# I am done trying...



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

and by trying I do not mean initiating anymore, as I havent done that recently. I mean trying to get my libido back up. It has been destroyed by the 2 years of rejection which reached the pinnacle this summer with all the arguments and blame pointed at me and the insults and threats... all have left me with no interest. Ironically, this will make my marriage better since my husband doesnt want to anyway... only occassionally even though the every other day thing appealed to him, its not happening. Since that was my last attempt at regaining any interest, and it was not followed through with, I am done.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Choose2love said:


> Ironically, this will make my marriage better since my husband doesnt want to anyway...


ya, it has made mine better. i know to a lot of people think that is all wrong, but if you dont want to leave then its really the only way to keep your sanity. dont get me wrong, i still feel incredibly frustrated from time to time, but i felt that way anyway, and then some from the rejection. once you stop wanting sex from him all that other emotional baggage will slough off and you'll just have to deal with the frustration of your physical cravings. 

but i read one of your other posts and it seems you've been through the whole no sex thing before.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I am not sure this works long-term...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i have the same feelings, trying to put the thought of sex out of my mind. if i dont think about it it is one less stress to deal with. as has been said many times, differing sex drives usually means one partner is happy and one is not, i'm the "not" in my house


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Yes, one less stress to deal with. It is difficult enough raising 2 children... there is no room for this extra stress. I had a sexless marriage before, but I knew going in... and it wasnt why we divorced... the way it ended up being used late in the marriage was just one factor. I had accepted that sex in the marriage was going to be the way it was.

In this marriage he made promises that I guess he never intended to keep... just to get me to marry him. My ex never made those promises, bc he couldnt... but he had a high desire just couldnt complete. It was his inappropriate comments (even last night at back to school night... he said these completely innapropriate "jokes" during the teachers presentation... they were disruptive at the least... and that carried over to constant criticsm and insults in the marriage). 

Yes, Blanca and OKD, looks like we will continue to live the lie of a happy marriage until things change... which they probably wont. DO you have a timeline before you decided its enough?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Choose2love said:


> Yes, Blanca and OKD, looks like we will continue to live the lie of a happy marriage until things change... which they probably wont. DO you have a timeline before you decided its enough?



all i can tell you is the frustration will continue to mount until you just cant take it anymore. it is a process and it takes time because most of us want it to work and hold out hope that it will. sometimes things change for the better, if it doesnt, you will know when.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Choose2love,

I am sorry to hear this...I have read many of your posts and it really sounds like your husband is an extremely selfish man. You seem like a very loving and caring wife; you've clearly tried communicating your needs to him and he obviously hasn't changed his ways...

In my marriage, I'm the "sex-craved" spouse and my wife denies me quite often. I know the pain you've felt and what rejection does to a person...it's an endless circle. Right now our sex life is pretty good, but I know this vicious circle and can't count on it being this way forever, eventually I'll be denied again and feel the emotional pain you're now feeling.

Though your post states you're done trying....how to you stop trying, if it is truly something that is important to you? I know for me, no matter how much I tell myself, I cannot change the importance of it. It is a basic 'NEED' for me and though my wife cannot meet/exceed my hope/expectations, I can't stop fighting for it, it's my human nature to keep moving forward....regardless what stressors this brings, it's that important to me.

I've thought to myself, we'll she rejects me so much...it's hurts me. No matter what, I'm going to wait it out and next time she initiates (rather it be 2 weeks, 1 month, whatever) I'm going to reject her back, so she will know what it feels like, so she can feel that pain. But I can honestly say that this type of behavior will not fix anything, which is why I no longer take this approach. I've figured, it's something I 'need' and really want, I need to continue to persue it...and yet, there's going to be rejection, but as long as I can see my spouse putting forth effort, then I'm happy.

I really am sorry to see you in this situation... Keep your head up and I really hope things get better for you! 

~USAF1982


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Choose2love said:


> DO you have a timeline before you decided its enough?


i dont really have a timeline. its like okeydokie said, you will just know. every situation is a little different and there are always a lot of other things going on that dont get written on here. so there's a lot to consider and a lot to take in and try to process. im giving myself time to process everything that has happened and everything i feel. so how ever long that takes.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Well, I never had a chance to get over my first marriage and live for myself. I tried to with my current husband, but everytime I realized he did not want to help me live that out (ie not participate in the sex that I desired by saying "no" "get away" "get off of me" "I have gas" "I have a headache" "Im tired") and said to him its not fair to you or me that we stay together if you cant do this with me, thats what I need right now, and you refuse to provide... he then would tell me he would, please dont break up, we can make this work. 

Empty words. He got to heal after his ex left him for another man... he had years to work things out and do his own thing, when, if and how he wanted to. He denied me that, even though I was asking and continue to ask for it. I feel good about myself, and the person I am, but in eyes I fell like a reject. I moved to a place (so I could be with him) that requires I commute my kids to their school and friends. He wouldnt move to a location that was better suited for them. He considered where we moved to be a "middleground" bc it was between where the 2 adults lived... not realizing that it was uprooting children. I was so in love that I didnt stand up and say no, I cant do that. If things were great between us, all this would be worth it... but to be so detached from the kids lives and come home to this? He can take any question or sentence I say and come back and say that I am arguing with him... when he is the one who gets angry... bc IF he doesnt want to talk, any words out of my mouth (and apparently eye contact with me) is considered confrontational. 

So, he was successful at ruining what was to be the make up date night tonight by carrying over his disinterest from last night (when I asked if I should wait to close my eyes for sleep bc he wanted to do something and his response was "Do you want sex? I can do it if you want me to, you know what you need to do."...like it was a chore to him and he would lay there). That is not what I asked him... I asked him if he was wanting to do something. Then I asked him about the every other day thing we agreed to and his response was not when we argue... well the arguments are about his lack of interest... so he is arguing to get out that agreement. 

I just have to realize the fact that I dont know who I married. I dont why he married me, as he said last night he can lie and I dont even know it. He regrets every day that he married me. He thinks everyone on this posting site, including me, are freaks who have nothing better to do. He wants me to stop whining... well I want him to stop with holding sex as punishment. I want him to stop telling me that he wants to be with me and then telling he regrets it, and treating me like he doesnt. Its not going to happen. We cannot get out of this mess. He feels the way he does and I feel the way I do. I want him to want me, and he thinks I am a crazy freak. Its a no-win situation. He has taught me the art of fighting very well and all we do is start a conversation and if he doesnt want to talk he defines it as a fight and gets personal, then it escalates from there.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Im sorry for going on and on, but I am so emotional from last night and this morning I needed to vent a little. He is going to read this and call me freak anyway. In some ways he is right, the stress and neglect from this relationship have turned me quite freakish.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think this is very sad. 

When I read your post the other day about your "agreement" with him to connect every day for a month I "winced". 

It just seemed like - to go from not very frequent sex to a commitment to every day was a HUGE jump. And I wondered if daily was just way more then his sex drive is designed for. 

If it had been me, I would have started with 2 times a week, one on a weekend morning where neither is tired, and maybe one on a mid-week morning/evening. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>
PS: I do not enjoy daily anymore it is too much. Every other day is the most I can do. 










Choose2love said:


> Im sorry for going on and on, but I am so emotional from last night and this morning I needed to vent a little. He is going to read this and call me freak anyway. In some ways he is right, the stress and neglect from this relationship have turned me quite freakish.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

No I didnt proposition him with that, that was just in a post. What we had agreed to was what you do with your wife... every other dayish, with the opt out without using the word no, but with a promise for the next day. He said he would do that and that was fine with him. Its now been since Tuesday bc he used "arguments" to get out of that agreement, bc he wont have sex if we have an "argument".


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That is a serious bummer. I truly feel bad for you that this is going badly. 








Choose2love said:


> No I didnt proposition him with that, that was just in a post. What we had agreed to was what you do with your wife... every other dayish, with the opt out without using the word no, but with a promise for the next day. He said he would do that and that was fine with him. Its now been since Tuesday bc he used "arguments" to get out of that agreement, bc he wont have sex if we have an "argument".


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Choose2Love,

I just got caught up on your other posts... Wow, you've only been married six weeks. :scratchhead:

First thing I'm wondering: is this your husband's first marriage? How long were you divorced before marrying him? And if I've got this straight, you were in therapy/counceling before getting married, right?

Quite a tough situation to be in, especially when you're not getting any effort from him. How old is he? In a sense he reminds me of me early in my marriage (I'm not old, 26; been married 7 yrs though). I got married at 19 and I was immature, controlling, and didn't care a whole lot about my wife's feelings. For some reason, it took a while before I began to comprehend what marriage was really about (which is why I'm curious of your husband's age, 1st marriage, etc.)

I've matured quite a bit since and regret treating her the way that I did, though there's nothing I could do to change it. I'm still far from perfect, but I think I'm learning as I mature. First thing you need from your husband is commitment. He needs to want to be w/ you...devote himself to you, and he needs to understand that life is no longer just about 'him,' he needs to make you his #1 priority.

Until he realizes and acts on this--nothing will change. It took my wife filing for divorce for me to realize this! I know, drastic measures...but I didn't realize what I was losing until it was walking out the door. I am fortunate to still be w/ my wife and though she's not perfect either (she also say's 'NO' to sex more than I'd prefer). I couldn't imagine my life any other way...I am so grateful that she's a strong woman and has put up w/ my BS and we got through it.

Regardless, marriage is no walk-in-the-park--but it's a lot harder when 1-person put's in all the effort and the other is not fully committed...


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

I dont think he would stop me from walking out the door..... maybe I am wrong. He sounds alot like you... He is 35! But, this is his 1st marriage and he was left months before he was supposed to be married to his first fiance (6 yrs ago, she left him for another man). He does live for himself, but thinks he doesnt and will fight to the ends to defend that point. 

Again, I dont think he would stop me from walking out the door, that how little I believe he thinks of me. Thankfully, I think more highly of myself than he does or this would be an even worse situation.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Hon, I hate to say it, but this just sounds like a dead end situation. I can't see anywhere in your posts where he has EVER put your needs, if not before his, at least in line with importance of his. I don't know that sex is really the root problem here. He simply just does not want to share himself, with you, but likely with anyone else either. Your kids are not by him, so why stay with him? I KNOW you love him, but a time comes when you have to decide if your love for HIM is worth loosing the love you have for YOU. Loving yourself means that, if you have tried ALL that you know to do, and he still keeps brick walling you as he is, then its time to pack your toys and go home, wherever that may be. He is manipulating you, and at this point he KNOWS he can. You say you love him, but ask yourself a REALLY hard question. Do you love HIM or do you love the IDEA of him, of what he could be if he would just quit doing what he's doing? He seems to love himself as he is, so its not likely that the man you hope he will be will ever surface. Meanwhile, his actions are turning you into a shell of who YOU are.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MB - I totally agree with your points. 

This seems to be a totally onesided relationship. 




Mommybean said:


> Hon, I hate to say it, but this just sounds like a dead end situation. I can't see anywhere in your posts where he has EVER put your needs, if not before his, at least in line with importance of his. I don't know that sex is really the root problem here. He simply just does not want to share himself, with you, but likely with anyone else either. Your kids are not by him, so why stay with him? I KNOW you love him, but a time comes when you have to decide if your love for HIM is worth loosing the love you have for YOU. Loving yourself means that, if you have tried ALL that you know to do, and he still keeps brick walling you as he is, then its time to pack your toys and go home, wherever that may be. He is manipulating you, and at this point he KNOWS he can. You say you love him, but ask yourself a REALLY hard question. Do you love HIM or do you love the IDEA of him, of what he could be if he would just quit doing what he's doing? He seems to love himself as he is, so its not likely that the man you hope he will be will ever surface. Meanwhile, his actions are turning you into a shell of who YOU are.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

If he asks anyone about his behavior in the marriage or his attitude about sex, he'll learn that he's the "freak", though I wouldn't use that term. He's the one who is on the low end of the range of human sexuality. 

Does he think there is maybe a correlation between why his ex- left him and why you are considering it? I'm betting she saw what she was getting into and bolted.


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## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

C2L,

It sounds like you're defeated and that this is taking a toll on you mentally. It also sounds like you're beginning to think that you're the problem. Obviously your husband is the one with the issues and until those are delt with I'm afraid you're not going to make any inroads with your needs. It really sounds to me like your husband wasn't emotioanly ready or mature enough to be a husband yet, let alone a step-father to your children.

Mem speaks many wise things on these boards and I have to agree that the expectations of going from "famine to feast" is biting off too much. Again though, the problems you are currently experiencing are not going to go away until your husband comes to grips with whatever is going on in his head that has resulted in him not wanting to be intimate with you. You are communicating, attending counseling, you even said he reads these posts, but the message still isn't getting through. You are not a freak, and I don't think your husband is either. There is just something else going on and he needs help to come to terms with it.

My frequency of intimacy has made great progress but it has required work on my part. I have to stay in front of my wife and keep communicating when I feel things are slipping. Last year we were intimate a total of 27 times; thus far this year we are at 41. A marked improvement. I told her last night that I would be happy with twice a week and she was good with that as well. That would be 104 times a year!! An improvement of nearly 400%!! All because I have communicated a problem but she was willing to help solve it. Your husband will not help this situation unless he's willing to help himself. Just curious, I wonder if his fiance saw something in him that made her get cold feet and bail at the eleventh hour?


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Mattie J, I posted a new thread on the new insight about our issue. Coming to grips with the reason he has not wanted to be intimate with me seems to be bc of his perception that we couldnt have sex unless I had an O, and that he was only doing it in the position that would give me said O... so he thought he was doing things on my terms, only HE had created in his mind those were my terms... So all this resentment grew in him and he increased saying no to me, bc he thought he was doing his "job" with me and I guess couldnt stand it when I asked for what he considered "more".

Its very sad that ones own interpretation of things can ruin a relationship that you really want. His resentment and rejection almost threw it away even though in his mind he thought he was doing what he needed to do to keep me. All I was picking up on was his resentment and increase in saying no and when I asked about it, he would say he didnt know what I was talking about, of course he wanted to be with me, and I would say "well then why are you so resentful and why do you say no so much." Which turned into our etire sex life being on his terms, only those terms were not what he wanted but what he thought I wanted. Such a big mess.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

That's great news--I hope he is being truthful w/ you and that is the root cause of your maritial problems. If so, now you just need to implement a solution.

I know for me, I could care less if my wife wanting an 'O' is on her terms--I mean, that's what I aim for every time and I get pleasure from giving pleasure. I dunno, I guess everyone's different...


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