# Please tell me how you'd handle this



## Limbo (Jun 17, 2009)

In desperation I just found this place and I'm very thankful to have you to talk to. I'm so upset and not thinking clearly. My husband & I have been married 5 yrs. Second marriage for each. Everything seemed wonderful to me, and I thought to him also. 2 wks. ago an old "love" from over 30 yrs. ago looked him up on facebook. He didn't tell me about this-I saw it in his messages, which anyone can read. He seemed very thrilled to hear from her & told her to write him using his email. They have been writing back & forth - she is very casual & friendly, he seems to be very excited about where it might go. (I know she broke things off when she went to college.) She is happily married over 30 yrs & talks about her family, etc. Now the ugly part. I have eavesdropped (ashamed of it) & saw that things have escalated - on HIS part only. An email he sent tonight (& left on the screen!) said his "marriage was shaky", he didn't know where it was going, & maybe he wasn't the marrying kind! I had absolutely no clue that he felt this way! This is a man who constantly tells me he loves me & is very affectionate. Is it possible that he's just "flirting" and seeing where it might go for ego purposes? I don't want to confront him and ask for a divorce based on something like this! Right after I read it I was ready to tell him our marriage was over as far as I was concerned. Should I tell him what I read? Should I just ignore it and wait to see what happens? (How can I?) I know this sounds like a small thing compared to what some of you are trying to handle & I apologize for that, but thank you for reading this.


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

Greetings from Maryland... except, I hope Florida sometime soon (see my first post!  )...

That is a tough situation. You should probably let him know that you accidentally read his e-mail (since it was in the open like that). You should probably have a serious talk about it without letting your emotions control you. Personally, I don't know why he would do that other than like you said, to just explore to see where it would go. But at the same time, knowing he can do or say stuff like this, who is to say this is the first time this has happened?

Any change in his behavior recently?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

It could be innocent flirting, but it could be way more. Don't wait for it to develop to a full blown affair, just ask him. I really see no benefit to reconnecting to an old love, no matter how many years have passed, or how platonic it appears on the surface.


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## Limbo (Jun 17, 2009)

Thank you both so much. I have calmed down a little, was ready to tell him it was over, shaking & heart pounding, etc. No, I haven't noticed any changes in his behavior. We did have a talk last night, where I reminded him that we had promised each other we would be honest and tell each other if our feelings had changed. He agreed he would keep the promise. He has no clue, of course, that I know about his "friend. 

I do feel that if someone is going to stray, it's only a matter of time before it happens. I guess I'm just thinking how can I ever feel secure again - I was very confident that I was what he needed - he certainly led me to believe that & his actions have always shown it. If he needs to have something to spice up his life, I think that's pathetic, and I don't want to be in a "make do" situation, where he feels trapped & in a rut. I guess I'll have to say something to him, but I don't want to be hysterical when I do it.

I feel sick - don't know what to say to get him to be honest. I know he'll just say I'm making a big deal out of nothing & I won't really know what's in his heart or what his true intentions were. Why does life have to be so complicated, in spite of our best intentions?


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

You know, I just thought about it - before you talk to him, you might want to print out evidence of his behavior before confronting him. This way, the things you are arguing about are clearly in front of both of you and in the open. You can ask him then specifically, "what did you mean when you said" ______.

It always helps when things are written down. This way, there's a more logical process to the whole thing than emotional chaos.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Well, there is no doubt he is sending out feelers to see if there is a chance he can give her a jump sometime. And there are or will be other attempts with someone else if this skank isn't receptive.

Think you need to have a heart to heart and find out what's going on...men cheat mainly for sex so are things dull or routine in the bedroom? Is there something missing? Mid-life crises...or your husband is just a jerk.

Take some time and look long and deep into your marriage and do so with eyes wide open...don't look to blame but to find, foster and repair what's wrong...if you don't...then he'll be out with any skeezer that's open for business.

Preacher


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Your husband completely disrespected you. Confront him immediately. Let him know under NO uncertain terms will you tolerate being treated like this. You are his wife. You are number one. If he feels that your marriage is on shaky ground then maybe some marriage councelling is appropriate here. GOOD communication is key to any relationship. Good Luck to you.


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

I am really sorry to hear about this situation. I know it must be very difficult. I would be very hurt. I do think you need to confront him. I agree - printing out the evidence is ideal. Unfortunately, you are always going to wonder what "he's really thinking", when he is pretending everything is ok.

I think it's important you are open with him. My husband was telling me months ago that everything was "fine" he was so happy and I discovered he was hacking into my email account to see what I was saying about him to friends. I ended up setting him up with a bad email --(fake) to see if THAT would get him to come to me and talk to me since he was faking his happiness. It didn't. So, I finally confronted him and said why are you pretending that everything is ok and you are hacking into my personal accounts. Why not just talk to me? 

That was the beginning of ME not trusting HIM. And it caused terrible problems from then on. He STILL lies to me if I ask him if something is wrong when I see he is texting people saying he is upset over xyz. 

So, I'm just trying to say that you should be honest with him. Don't continue to monitor what he's doing and pretend everything is ok. If you do and HE finds out -- he will never be able to trust YOUR feelings, either. Just my 2 cents.

Good luck. Let us know what progresses.


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## Limbo (Jun 17, 2009)

Preacher, don't hold back - tell me how you really feel! Really, though - sometimes harsh talk is what's needed. I appreciate your input.

It's great to have different opinions & that's why these discussions are great. I will print out the "evidence", but as dontwanttobe said, I'll never know what he's really thinking, & that bit of doubt will always be there no matter how happy things seem on the surface. This morning he was very loving, acting as if nothing's wrong. Why the little "side" excitement with the emails would be necessary, I can't imagine. She was a girl who he was crazy about long ago, who broke off with him - so maybe he's getting some sort of kick out of having her attention again. 

Thanks everyone - this seems like a great place that I found completely by accident, frantically surfing around last night. I feel much better not being alone with it.


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## troubled_lady (Jun 6, 2009)

i can relate to this one too!! lol seems like all the posts i have read today i can relate in some ways! my husband is cheating on me, (not to say urs is), but i am also pregnant and got pregnant the month after he cheated THE FIRST TIME, and we've not been intimate since... but this time he hit me with "i've been unhappy for awhile" ... wasnt expecting that at all... considering he begged me to stay and would do anything to keep me after this happened the first time, so i agree in one of the above posts that said "men will do anything for sex", and they will!! but if i were you... i would not say anything just yet, i would continue to see what all i could read and find out and yes PRINT it out to have evidence later, and then one day when u feel like u have had enoough and cant take it anymore, i mean just at your breaking point... casually say in such a caln manner..."so when did our marriage become shaky to you?" and see what he says... of course he's gonna acted stupid but u've got evidence remeber... and repeat ur self however many times it takes for him to catch on that u know what he's been writing to this woman... just always remember to stay calm whatever you say or do, it makes a world of difference, even when u want to rip his and her head off and spit down there throats (grapic i know, its my horomones i swear or maybe cause i have felt this way for so long), just dont take drastic measures just yet... i know the sickening feeling u get when u find something like that! but if it were me, i would act like everything is fine and just be patient the truth will eventually come out, because if he's unhappy, he'll let ya know! and soon if he keeps talkin to this woman... good luck and keep us posted!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you don't need to talk about divorce, or accuse your husband of anything.

your marriage is in need of repair given your husband not only said as much, but turned outside of his marriage to say so.

i don't think you should print out the email. at least not yet.

from what you've written, your marriage doesn't sound like it is in such a bad state that you can't show some faith in your husband to do the right thing.

give your husband another chance to be open and candid with you.

tell him you read the email and it frightened and angered you, and let him take it from there.

his response will help chart your steps forward.

honesty is the best policy and open-ness is the best strategy.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Limbo,

I agree with a lot that has been said so far. But remember actions do speak louder than words and that is where you will know what he is thinking. Keep an eye on his actions. 

I think you should talk with him and let him know that you saw the e-mail, especially since it was up in the open. Let him know that this bothers you but I don't believe you can demand it to stop. Then you become the "jealous" one. 

Do what Preacher said and take a long look at the situation, but as he said not for blame but for ways to repair and fix. Blame just doesn't do anyone any good. Read some books, maybe the emotional connection is withering. I know I read The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and I see things much differently now. 

He is seeking something and maybe he doesn't even know what that is - or how to express it. Who knows. But going off the emotional end on him won't start to repair anything. Probably make him resentful.


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> i don't think you should print out the email. at least not yet.


I respectfully disagree. If he gets flippant about the whole thing and decides to lock her out of his computer, at least she'll have a hard copy of the e-mail. Even if she doesn't use it in the argument, it would probably be wise to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

Terran007 said:


> I respectfully disagree. If he gets flippant about the whole thing and decides to lock her out of his computer, at least she'll have a hard copy of the e-mail. Even if she doesn't use it in the argument, it would probably be wise to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.


and may i respectfully respond:

the worse case scenario is a divorce and this email is proof of nothing except the husband admitting to unhappiness in his marriage.

if the husband denies the email, he knows he's lying, he knows she knows he's lying (because he's talking to his wife about the email) and she knows he's lying because she read the email.

she has nothing to prove. 

she knows her husband speaks clandestinely with a former lover and laments his marriage, and when she speaks with him about it she'll find out very quickly if he's going to be open and honest about things or not.

that's the heart of the issue.

i see arguing the actual existence of the email or it's contents a distraction at best.

but hey, if it makes her feel better to run off a copy, what the hell.


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> and may i respectfully respond:
> 
> the worse case scenario is a divorce and this email is proof of nothing except the husband admitting to unhappiness in his marriage.
> 
> ...


Good points.

Even if he admits the issue, he still might scoff it off as just a joke or something insignificant. If after that he proceeds to lock her out of his computer so that she couldn't reference that e-mail to him, she would have nothing to argue against his case because he could just deny it until the cows come home.

Yes, he would know that he's lying. But when does that really stop someone from doing it in the first place? My BIL had come in contact with an Ex of his from long ago. When my SIL found the e-mails, he deleted them and pretended it never happened. Did he know what he was doing? Yes. But that didn't stop him from trying to invalidate her concerns by simply deleting them - making it more difficult to have something against him. When an e-mail is deleted, it is deleted. She can no longer confront him with "this is what you said, quote"... sure, she might know he's lying, and it would give her good reason to leave him. But what good is it in an argument if someone can potentially just deny it was that big of an issue and hit the delete button so that it can no longer be referenced as otherwise?

In the end, it wouldn't be a bad idea to print out the e-mails ahead of time. I'm not talking about using them for court of law, because there is no wrong-doing - you're definitely right about that. But just in case his mind needs "refreshing". And also hers as well.


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## Limbo (Jun 17, 2009)

I'm just so impressed with the quality of these responses - I never expected this much help and insight.

Troubled, I am so sorry for what you're going through - and yet you took the time to try and help me out. Amazing.

I will contemplate all this wonderful help I've been given. I did already this morning (before coming here) print out the one really upsetting email, but I have it hidden and won't whip it out unless I feel it absolutely necessary.

What's really sad is, even if this comes to nothing - I'll never feel entirely the same. He had such a good thing. I thought this was a wonderful second chance for both of us.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

You might - but he's going to have to be very open and honest with you. 

Trust isn't about knowing everything our spouses are doing. It's about NOT knowing what they are doing and feeling safe anyway. 

You can rebuild this trust together, but he needs to understand how shaky things are with him telling the other woman "our marriage is on shaky ground" Tell him that you didn't think so before you read the email, but because of his actions it certainly might be if he continues on this path. Ask him how he feels you can both work on things, don't dwell on the EA, but focus on doing fun, loving things together that help you both connect and be close. 

Build up the love again and you won't worry about any more of these and he won't feel (lonely, bored, whatever) enough to want to do them.


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## Limbo (Jun 17, 2009)

Thank you, Snix, that was very uplifting & hopeful sounding. I don't know if I can feel positive enough to do what you suggest, but I hope once I get over the shock of this I can. 

What you say is true - about the trust. We can't live being suspicious all the time, it makes us sick. I have a friend who took her husband back after he cheated - she had moved out, and in order to get her back he agreed to allow her to read his emails, calls her when he's leaving work & if he's making any stops, and allows her to see his cell phone activity, etc. No way to live, in my opinion - if you must keep someone on such a short leash, what good is it?


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

Terran007 said:


> Good points.
> In the end, it wouldn't be a bad idea to print out the e-mails ahead of time. I'm not talking about using them for court of law, because there is no wrong-doing - you're definitely right about that. But just in case his mind needs "refreshing". And also hers as well.


if his mind needs 'refreshing' that's a game changer which further mitigates any value a copy of the email in question may have. 

making a copy of the email is not only inconsequential to the marital issue at hand, it's an unnecessary diversion and a prompt for a response prone to recitivism. 

the wife has made a copy of the email and may feel a sense of security holding onto it and so that ship has sailed. she has, as we all do from time to time, missed the big picture in the heat of the moment.

limbo, you're correct when you say you can't live being suspicious. 

but understand your suspicion is in the best of worlds a temporary state. hopefully your husband reassures you with transparency (and not a grudging mia culpa because you have a copy of an email), and a willingness to discuss his marital concerns and with time your suspicions dwindle and eventually fade away.

things will never be the same, but when are they ever.


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## Limbo (Jun 17, 2009)

I wanted to revive this just to mention a few things. Since I'm still confused, I wasn't sure what to say if I returned here, but really want to stay and take part in these forums - this is a wonderful place.

I absorbed everything that was said to me here, and deeply appreciate all the help and insight. Things have improved, this after some heated battles and heartbreaking moments I never expected to have in this relationship. I guess that's my problem - since I never saw this coming (his "flirtation" and possible affair if the circumstances were right...) how will I ever really feel secure again? He has been given every chance to move on - I told him I didn't want anyone "making do" with a marriage to me, that if he wasn't feeling it anymore I wanted out. He insists he loves me, is not bored or unhappy, yada, yada. He wants to carry on like nothing ever happened (of course) while I am completely crushed by his lack of loyalty and need to seek something outside of the wonderful marriage I thought we BOTH were thrilled to have. 

I guess my new question is this - why do people playact and pretend everything's the same when obviously it isn't? When my husband and I had promised to tell each other if we were no longer happy - why did he do just the opposite - become intrigued with being in touch with an old love & never mention anything to me? I thought we had everything - all bases were covered. Is anyone ever who they appear to be - or do we all just play a role that we soon outgrow and then don't know how to get out of it? An example would be the whole John & Kate thing (sorry). I never watched the show - but I get People Magazine, and there was a huge cover story on their renewal of their wedding vows not long ago! They seemed so happy and dedicated to each other & their family - so what happened? Was he just pretending all along? Do people really fall out of love when they were once so happy? Or were they never really happy, just trying to convince themselves they were - and why? I guess I'm just very disillusioned.

Thank you for listening to me once again.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Limbo, firstly, I'm sorry for your situation. That must have been very hurtful.

As far as why people act like things are okay, or why your husband might have, is because he doesn't want to rock the boat before he knows he's got another to jump to. Considering, he is the one trying to test the waters (brain full of sea analogies today, sorry) with this old flame, and not her, it's not a sure bet. 

I'm not sure if people fall out of love that quickly, or they weren't as in love as they thought. As to why, there are too many variables. Although, people will always wonder if the grass is greener...


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Cheaters don't want to talk about it if they're ashamed/remoresful. That's kind of a good sign. 

But they need to get over the shame and admit they screwed up and come clean to their spouses. They need to answer any questions asked no matter how painful.


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