# How long did the "divorce talk(s)" last?



## Anonymoose24 (Nov 28, 2011)

A little bit of background about me so you know why I'm asking this question: I was raise by a very strict military father and a somewhat weak-willed mother. My father was an abusive alcoholic who not only physically hurt my brother and I but also mentally and emotionally. I was always confused with him, he always twisted around things so that the crystal clear memory I had of doing something seemed more and more like a dream or memory and what HE said I did that I had no recollection of seemed more real.

As an adult this can make it very difficult to stick to my guns in a conversation where the other person is trying to convince me that I'm wrong. I'm able to be convinced far too easily that what I want and need isn't actually all to important, or the other person doesn't have time, or is doing them already... and this is very concerning to me in regards to the upcoming talk I'm planning to have with my husband about divorce.

I'm asking for a divorce because I am a lesbian. I'm from a devoted Christian background and I've been able to convince myself (because it works on myself too) that the boredom and lack of spark that I've always felt with men was just because I hadn't found the right guy. Meeting and dating my husband I wrestled with the idea that I might be a lesbian but he was so kind and responsible that for a couple years that living with him seemed preferable to finding that exciting love I'd always wanted. So despite my doubts we got married and two years later I'm seeing what an idiot I was/am.

He'll be happier without me. We're both very young, me 23 and him 26, so we've both got a big full life ahead of us even if we do get a divorce. With me he'll never have the loving sexy relationship he always wanted and still wants, and he can find someone who doesn't try to escape every time he touches her, doesn't fight back every time he asks her to do something... he's going to be able to find someone who loves him as a romantic partner, not just as a family member like any other of my relations or friends.

BUT. When we have that talk, as soon as he gets angry, or cries, or whatever his reaction is going to be, I know I'm going to cave like a pricked balloon. I've started a list of why what I'm doing is right but it would help me to know how long the average divorce conversation lasts, and how many there were for you, and what frequency. Did you talk for six hours one night then a week later talk again for 3? Or only one hour the first day, then 3 hours the next day, and the next, and the next?

It would help me to be able to work on my strength with the counselor I've been seeing to know what I might expect.

Sorry for the long message, and thanks for reading all the way through, if you did.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

There is no rhyme or reason to how long the talk will last. For my W and I, we have been talking about it for months (married 16 yrs, 3 kids). Obviously, we both have a lot to lose if we make a mistake. Thus, the caution on both sides. 

For you, I'd recommend seeing a professional to help you get the confidence you need.

If you're so sure you want a D, you probably just need to rip of the Band-aid and get it out in the open. You'll be glad you did. Additionally, since you are so young and w/o kids, a divorce should be relatively easy & quick.

Best of luck.


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## Anonymoose24 (Nov 28, 2011)

I have been seeing a counselor for about 3 months now, which is what has given me the confidence to admit that what we both need is this separation and divorce. I'm planning on asking sometime within the first week of January so that gives me (as of today) ~5 more weeks and 6 more hour-long conversations with the counselor about how best to go about breaking the news and how to help him deal with the news and such.

Thanks for the luck wish. I'm feeling solid like I'm making the right decision, even when I looked through our wedding album I knew I was making the right decision, but I'm terrified I'll become trapped and unable to leave the relationship which happened to a mutual friend of ours when she had a EA and tried to leave...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

A LONG talk is much better than a year or two of misery - or a long talk about divorce and an EA too.

You're going to have to just do it.

And - btw - GOD BLESS YOU for having the courage to actually END a marriage when you knew it wasn't working!!! 

Look around and you'll see miles and miles of damage caused by cowards who tried to hide their unhappiness in an affair and ended up just making everyone 10 times more miserable!!!

Good luck...


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## Anonymoose24 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thank you so much Nice for the incredibly needed blessing. I've tried to keep myself as clean as I possibly can for this, no EA or PA, no "exploring" or dating though I've been sorely tempted to go out and feel what I'm missing now that I know where it is. My counselor has been saying much of the same thing and that there's nothing wrong with feeling what I've been struggling with and that she's proud of me for taking steps to make this as easy as possible for DH.

You're so right about the long talk being better than having it stretch out. In fact that's the main reason I've been proactive... because statistics say after one spouse makes the realization that they're batting for the other team, as it were, they only last 1 or two more unhappy crumbling years before they separate anyway. I want to avoid that as much as possible, even though I know he is most likely going to push to "fix" things... and me.


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