# Does your spouse get along with your mother?



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I love both my husband and my mom, but they are very different people in some ways. I've tried for years to 'control' things to make husband try and open up more to my mom etc, my mom has always been good to us. In some ways she is annoying, which bothers my husband more and I tend to ignore/brush it off. We see her more than my husband's parents (he also finds his parents annoying too in some ways). He says he likes my mom and loves his parents but it's easy to be annoyed with them. 

I'm trying to learn not to let it bother me so much, that I can't control them, they are polite and cordial to each other and I should be happy for that. It's also annoying because my husband shuts down around my mom, he's shy in general but around her he says little, gets annoyed about stuff (and its visible to me), but he does try a little bit...for my sake.

Just wondering how you handle it when you're all together. My mom respects my husband, I'm sure she wishes he was more talkative, closer to her etc and he is polite but very quiet/says little around her and I'm sure he wishes she was different in *some* ways. They both never speak badly of each other (besides my husband sometimes saying what she does is a little annoying WHEN I ask him what he thinks about something). 

We will all be going on vacation together soon (something we've never done) but there will be other family there too. It's just giving me a little anxiety but maybe I need to just relax and realize it's out of my hands. Sometimes I wish my husband made more effort with my mom, I've asked him for years and it's gotten better but I can't force something.

Edited to add: I should say my mom tends to be very judgmental and a lot more talkative, louder etc than my husband. I think the judgmental thing turns my husband off a lot, he avoids confrontation at almost all costs. They both are good people but I wish they were closer or actually enjoyed each other's company. Sometimes I don't even like spending time with my mom alone so maybe I have unreasonable expectations.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

My Mom loves my H like a son. He have her wrapped around his finger. My Dad too. That being said it is no way under the sun that I could even consider us all vacationing together. That would be the vacation from he!l. LOL!


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

My wife gets along with my mom. They call each other on the phone and whatnot. I get along with my in-laws just fine. Never had any issues on both sides of the fence...THANK GOODNESS!!! :smthumbup:


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> My Mom loves my H like a son. He have her wrapped around his finger. My Dad too. That being said it is no way under the sun that I could even consider us all vacationing together. That would be the vacation from he!l. LOL!


I should add we won't be with my mom the whole time, we'll be doing our own thing and also seeing her with more of my extended family. Just the traveling part would be solely with her (it's a long plane ride). 




Mavash. said:


> Polite is all I ever expected my husband to be towards my mother.


I guess I should be happy with this. It's on my to let go of the ideal I think...


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I get along with my MIL great. I love my MIL...

Unfortunately, my mom passed away 18 months after we got married. I am confident my mom would have gotten along very well with my wife.

My mother died suddenly at 61. Our son was 9 months old.

About 2 or 3 months before my mom died, I mailed her a letter. I sent her a letter so she could read it... and re-read it... and re-read it.

In the letter, I thanked my mom for all she had done for me... Made sure she knew how much I appreciated the sacrifices she made for me. 

And, I told her how totally happy I was... How in love I was with my wife and how much I loved my life...

And thanked her again for doing all she had done for me..

See, my Mom wasn't totally thrilled with my wife. See, my mom wanted me to marry someone who could "help me". She wanted me to marry someone who had a college degree... and a career. 

I didn't need that. I was making plenty of money. I was making more money than I ever dreamed of making. 

I married for LOVE!!! 

My wife feeds my soul... and she's one helluva money manager. She might not have a formal education but she can handle people and money like no body's business. In fact, she would have made a GREAT attorney. She can read people and push buttons like nobody's business. She can cajole people into doing what she want's them to do...

I miss my mom... I miss her every day. 

My wife was winning my mom over... she just didn't have enough time.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, my husband loves my mom.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I love my mother in law like a mother. I get along well with her and my father in law. That said, when we go to their house for the weekend my wife treats me bad. She disrespects me, puts in little digs, she's b!tchier and never allows sex. Same thing when they come to our house. It's like she has to prove she's in charge to them. The worst episode of this when when our oldest was a baby. It was so bad that my father in law asked me what her problem was and how I put up with her. A couple of times I've even got in my truck to leave (they live 6 hours away). I don't know, it's weird. She just changes when she's around them.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

There are only small annoyances with each other for the most part. 

THere were two incidences where it was more than that. 1--when we were deciding kids' names, my mom got annoyed about something my husband said which caused an argument...it was really misconstrued and more about my husband not liking my mom butting in about our kids' name. For second kid we shared with NO ONE until baby came ;-) 2--That same day/time, my husband got really upset and left me at my mom's house. He came back and my mom told him it was wrong to do that and no husband should ever do that. My husband was wrong for doing that and he apologized to me but he didn't like my mom telling him that. 

So my mom is an overpowering, very strong personality and states her opinions about everything. Husband is kind of the opposite and doesn't like my mom's personality at times. I'm sure my mom doesn't like my husband's "not saying anything or much" around her (he's generally quieter than her though". He does a little bit of passive aggressiveness with my mom stuff I think? (Like he agrees to whatever or says fine to whatever but sounds reluctant or annoyed...then when my mom is gone he complains and sometimes we get into an argument).


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

So...just to be clear: they respect each other, get along generally well together and you're spinning up about how he isn't relating correctly to someone?

Doesn't sound like anyone has a problem here but you.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

My H loves my mom & vice versa, they get along great.
On the other hand, I can barely tolerate my in-laws & only do so because they are my H's parents, other than that, I keep my distance all together. 

I say let it go & let them deal with one another, if you interfere it will more than likely cause more grief than it's worth.
You're not going to change either one of them & as long as it's not an issue to them, it shouldn't be an issue to you.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My wife and my mom are inseparable.
They actually go on girls only vacations , cruises and shopping together.
Funny, before I was married , my mother and I were always at loggerheads. After marriage, therelationship between my mom and I began to heal.

I get along very well with my mother in law, long before we were married.
We have been on many family vacations / camping ,with her and other members of their family together in the past.
They owned a beautiful villa on one of the beaches.
Those days were really good.
I miss them.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I love my MIL. We have limited contact with my parents, but H actually has a better relationship with my mother than I do. My mom never did like girls, my SIL gets it the worst.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I get along great with my MIL. They are great people and they have treated me well.

I wish the same was true for my mom. She never thought my wife was good enough for me. She was all nicey to my wife's face, and then cut her down to everybody else. My wife took it in stride, always making the effort not to try to cause distance between me or our kids and my mom. My wife was always trying to offer the olive branch only to get hit with even more crap. It caused a ripple effect in that neither my brother or sister particularly liked my wife, mainly because of the BS thrown around behind our backs. 

My kids started to pick up on it - again my wife was very forgiving and NEVER bashed my mom. It was them becoming young adults and picking up on the undercurrents. They started to drift away. Then my mom got brain cancer and passed away two months ago. Yeah, I'm sad.... but at the same time have a bit of an "eh" feeling on the loss. She was most definitely NOT a positive influence on my marriage. I certainly own my own issues, and have worked on fixing them.... but it would have been easier along the way if this wasn't a big factor.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

My husband and my mother get along far better than my mom and I do. My mom adores my husband. She says great things about him to her friends and relatives whereas I'm sure she complains about me. :rofl:

yellowstar- I've read many of your threads. You're correct. You do need to relax and not worry about every little thing. So many things in life are out of your control. Focus on you and your reactions, not whether your husband is being too quiet according to your mother or whether your mother is being too bossy. Your husband is a grown man who can handle himself.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I came from an opinionated female dominated home where ' _SHE who speaks loudest gets heard_'



Both my maternal grandmother and my mother in law were the matriarch in the family.
The were the " BOSS " in the clans.
I dared not question my grandmother.

My MIL ,lol , the best way to get along with her is to agree , lol!
But definitely, she has a soft spot for me...
She often tells me this.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> yellowstar- I've read many of your threads. You're correct. You do need to relax and not worry about every little thing. So many things in life are out of your control. Focus on you and your reactions, not whether your husband is being too quiet according to your mother or whether your mother is being too bossy. Your husband is a grown man who can handle himself.



Yes this is true, it's just upsetting sometimes because he is not himself when she is around. That bothers me because he goes into defensive mode a bit, or just on edge or more unhappy--so that DOES affect me. But you are right, I need to just focus on myself and not worry about what he is doing etc.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

I get along much better with his family than mine. I have kind of the opposite situation. My fiancee likes to talk and my parents don't. He's always looking to chat them up and they aren't interested. I don't think my parents approve of him. I have somewhat of a distant relationship with my parents so it works.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

Joe and I are honestly very blessed since we both have the best and I mean the best Father and Mother In Laws  the stories about those mendeling , nasty , crazy in laws we just don't get??


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Both of our moms are toxic people. We just "go along" with it to keep the peace. Both of our dads have the "fun in the breeding" mentality, so we never tried to establish a relationship as adults with them or that side of the fam. 

On the flip side, I adored his grandmother. We both dearly miss her. I asked her if I could call her grandma, she said of course, why wouldn't you. 

Reading here makes me a little sad that our family is screwed up, but we don't want the kind of in law relationship with our future sons in law that is happening with us.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

One thing I'll never get is the way my mom adored my SIL but didn't approve of my wife. My wife has been loyal and treated me well. My SIL effed another man.... but my wife is the one she doesn't like.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

My mother is toxic. The only interaction I and my wife have had with her since the day after my wife and I were married has been at funerals or family functions where we had to be there.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

My MIL law says I'm like a second son to her. My wife has a better relationship with my mom than I do.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

My h gets along great with my mom, and I get along well with his. They have very similar temperaments, the moms, that is.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

My ex always got along well with both my parents as I did with his. Sadly both our mums have since passed away.
Even though we are divorced we are still part of each others families, going to shared events, Christmas etc.

My mum would have adored my current partner, I really wish she was here to meet him


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