# gf's cousin just confided an A to her...



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

What would you say to a WS who is confiding in you about a recent A? My gf is out with a cousin of hers right now (she was asked for her time tonight, figured it was something serious)...called me from the restaurant bathroom to say, first, she loves me very much, and second, that her cousin just confessed feelings for someone other than her H. Also asked if "kissing OM is being unfaithful"...or backrubs. Said she hadn't really done anything yet, but she couldn't stop thinking about it. Her cousin is married 10 yrs, 2 kids. The husband is described as "controlling", kinda OCD and, tbh a normal if a bit uptight guy, from the one time I met him a few months back.

I told her I didn't mean to call her cousin a liar, but there are good odds she's already done a whole lot and then some with this guy. Reminded her my XW told her closest confidant friend that she hadn't done anything but was thinking about it, but the truth was she had already gone way too far before "seeking advice" from friends. Told her that mostly likely kissing means sex. 

Told her that cousin's H is a tech guy, smart, and will find out. And he will take her to the cleaners as best he can. No matter how true the OCD/controlling issue could be (how the hell would I know), she must leave her H if she really isn't happy. Or stop the A and tell him everything and take what's coming to her. Infidelity is not the solution to an unhappy marriage. Divorce is. That's the rules, that's why infidelity is so damaging...

May hear from my gf again soon (next "bathroom break")...anyone have any concise one-liner suckerpunches that I might be able to relay to potentially turn around what could easily be the next new painful thread here? Never seen this from the beginning, since learning what I did here during my discovery/divorce last year.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You did good. Experience is the best teacher.

I got nothing to add.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

At first, I would say that your GFs cousin was telling the truth to your GF, as women will tend to tell other women things that they would NEVER tell their H/BFs. But, the experience with your XW says differently, and I think you're just telling the GF that maybe she should not be surprised if she, too, has only seen the "tip of the iceberg".

And then that reference to him being controlling. Does your GF know this from experience with the guy, or has her cousin already started to rewrite history? Again...something experience has taught you well about.

P.S.-Good to hear from you again, Sham!


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

F-102 said:


> And then that reference to him being controlling. Does your GF know this from experience with the guy, or has her cousin already started to rewrite history?


GF (Red) mentioned the controlling issue to me before going to meet her. Apparently they've had ups and downs for years. Cousin told my gf 2 years ago that there are some times where she doesn't even "like" her husband for a year.

Good news is it sounds like my gf is putting a strong foot forward to support her as a relative but express that this kind of crap will only make cousin's life worse. Cousin is acting as if she "gets it" right now, which is good. Of course, I've read so many threads on TAM that I have another theory...cousin finds that Red isn't telling her "congrats! Do what you need to...you deserve to be happy, right?", so backs off on the confession to say of course she'll work on things.

Who knows. Either way, it appears I have a kicka$$ gf. But another marriage may be doomed. Wish I could be more hopeful, but...yeah.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> GF (Red) mentioned the controlling issue to me before going to meet her. Apparently they've had ups and downs for years. Cousin told my gf 2 years ago that there are some times where she doesn't even "like" her husband for a year.
> 
> Good news is it sounds like my gf is putting a strong foot forward to support her as a relative but express that this kind of crap will only make cousin's life worse. Cousin is acting as if she "gets it" right now, which is good. Of course, I've read so many threads on TAM that I have another theory...cousin finds that Red isn't telling her "congrats! Do what you need to...you deserve to be happy, right?", so backs off on the confession to say of course she'll work on things.
> 
> Who knows. Either way, it appears I have a kicka$$ gf. But another marriage may be doomed. Wish I could be more hopeful, but...yeah.


Yes Sham you do have a kickass GF! And you deserve her!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you haven't done so already, you might want to talk to your GF about the lessons you learned from your experience with your ex-wife and how they have created new non-negotiable boundaries that you are not afraid to implement if it becomes necessary. The purpose is that it will make you look like an emotional powerhouse of Herculean proportions to your GF since she will know that you are no some poor, needy, clueless chump to be played with.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Absolutely, lines unacceptable to be crossed and the resulting consequences (and why) have been made crystal.

Amazing how that cements a strong bond when laid out and understood.

Whether that makes me Herculean, hmmm...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If it was me I wouldn't have said anything different Sham-

For what thats worth.........LOL


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## tsatago (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi Sham, just curious. How's your ex wife doing, are there still feelings?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shamwow said:


> GF (Red) mentioned the controlling issue to me before going to meet her. Apparently they've had ups and downs for years. Cousin told my gf 2 years ago that there are some times where she doesn't even "like" her husband for a year.
> 
> Good news is it sounds like my gf is putting a strong foot forward to support her as a relative but express that this kind of crap will only make cousin's life worse. Cousin is acting as if she "gets it" right now, which is good. Of course, I've read so many threads on TAM that I have another theory...cousin finds that Red isn't telling her "congrats! Do what you need to...you deserve to be happy, right?", so backs off on the confession to say of course she'll work on things.
> 
> Who knows. Either way, it appears I have a kicka$$ gf. But another marriage may be doomed. Wish I could be more hopeful, but...yeah.


Yup, we all know who usually plays the "controlling" card...someone who wants to cheat or is cheating already.

Curious to find out how this all played out and how the XW is doing.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

How did this ever play out Sham? Is the GF's cousin still married. Are you still dating the GF?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Missed these comments, haven't been around much lately. 

GF's cousin is now divorced since December. She eventually told her (now) ex-H that there was someone else. He just kinda backed out and went the "easy divorce" route. Don't really know him, so I can only guess he wasn't all in himself when the shtf? It's been amusing watching cousin introduce her "new" friend to the family, as everyone knows how he came into the picture. I've met him. He seems 'okay enough', but ya know. I'm not the best guy to look to for understanding in the whole "date someone you work with and ruin your marriages" camp. We'll see if that relationship holds to the standard "2 yrs or less" for APs. Got me...

I'm absolutely still with Red, honestly can't ask for a better girl. We're going on vacation this week...happy Sham.

My XW is apparently doing a bit better, and she's stopped attempting to contact me in a casual way - for a while there have been random texts soliciting some random response - seems to have ended...which is good. Her gf says she's finally in IC and trying to get her mess together. Apparently destroyed the bf she dated after I left and she's moved on to some self-analysis. I wish her well. But no, I don't want to play in her fantasy baseball league (she actually did ask that in February).

Tsatago...nope, no "feelings" anymore...for a while there was some pity. Finally came to a place where I didn't think of the situation from her perspective anymore, which to me means detachment is solid and complete. Life moves on. and I wouldn't go back.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good for you Sham

I am happy for you that your life is movin on in a positive direction.

And it is good to hear your ex getting some professional help.

She needed it......

HM64


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## xftcyrpz (Apr 6, 2013)

you might want to talk to your GF about the lessons you learned from your experience with your ex-wife and how they have created new non-negotiable boundaries


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> and it is good to hear your ex getting some professional help.
> 
> She needed it......
> 
> Hm64


agreed.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey towel guy, Im glad you are moving on.

BTW, thnaks for chiming in onnce in a while, your perspective is worth its wieght in gold with your life experience.

It seem this forum has grown ten fold and many need help!

So agian thanks for contributing to this community after the fact.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Great to hear, Sham!!!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

F-102 said:


> Great to hear, Sham!!!


Thanks for the update. We don't see enough of the here. I'm glad that you're going well. Take care.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shamwow said:


> The husband is described as "controlling", kinda OCD and, tbh a normal if a bit uptight guy, from the one time I met him a few months back.


Funny, am I mistaken in remembering you being accused of this very same thing when your ex was cheating on you shamwow?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Apparently destroyed the bf she dated after I left 

A sad trail...Would you say she changed through the marriage ?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

one of the legendary threads of all time.

here are your instructions for the vacation. have fun during the day but you had better have ....ed her so many times at night your balls get that ....ed too many tomes ache.

success IS the best revenge.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

This was the first thing I thought of when you mentioned your vacation.



Shamwow said:


> FYI - as for me, I have deactivated my FB account (temporarily, it will come back as normal whenever I choose, prob when D is final and I can put up pics of me waterskiing w/young hottie who treats me right?).


Did you ever reactivate your facebook?


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

dymo said:


> Did you ever reactivate your facebook?


Sure did, about a year ago. Profile pic is currently my gf and I in front of a castle in Wales. (a real castle, not a White Castle...)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> My XW is apparently doing a bit better, and she's stopped attempting to contact me in a casual way - for a while there have been random texts soliciting some random response - seems to have ended...which is good. Her gf says she's finally in IC and trying to get her mess together. Apparently destroyed the bf she dated after I left and she's moved on to some self-analysis. I wish her well. But no, I don't want to play in her fantasy baseball league (she actually did ask that in February).
> 
> Tsatago...nope, no "feelings" anymore...for a while there was some pity. Finally came to a place where I didn't think of the situation from her perspective anymore, which to me means detachment is solid and complete. Life moves on. and I wouldn't go back.


Thanks for filling us in. It was amazing the way you let her down so gently, playing Scrabble and answering her mail. You did get a sort of affirmation that she rethought everything. The random texts about the restaurant you once ate at, the love ya, you were the best, etc showed that being a good guy could get recognition albeit way too late for R.

Maybe you'll send her a Christmas card someday. If you ever have kids, that will sting.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Good news!!

Your namesake has turned his life around as well.


ShamWow guy makes a comeback with new kitchen product after cleaning up his act following arrest for beating up a prostitute | Mail Online


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Wow, the original Shamwow is quite a character. Did the TAM Shamwow ever explain why he selected the avatar?


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Wow, the original Shamwow is quite a character. Did the TAM Shamwow ever explain why he selected the avatar?


It happens to be one of the first results when you google Shamwow. Probably isn't that much more to it.


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