# Escaping Toxic Family - I need to be strong but I am scared



## endlessgrief

My father was a tyrant, textbook borderline personality, self-centered, controlling, constantly interrupting, and just a drag on our family. We (me, my mother, sister, and brother) always hated family functions because my dad would be there and make everything about himself. He has ruined more xmas's than I can count due to his attitude and black cloud over his head. Ever heard the saying THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS MY FRIEND? That is how it was with me and my mother and sister.

For years I strove to make my mother happy and would attend functions or visit their house because I didn't want to hurt HER even though before I went I would try to explain WHY I didn't want to visit because dad drives me crazy. Never mind that she knows that being in my dad's presence makes me sick to my stomach and I usually need to take a Xanax. My mother and sister know how I feel deep down, and they used to agree.

One summer day we were sitting outside, my sister and I were talking and laughing as we do, and my father kept interrupting like he always does to say something that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. So, I would roll my eyes, or turn my seat away from him. On the way home that day, my mother called me and said that she and my father noticed my body language and it hurt my dad's feelings. BODY LANGUAGE!!!! Who wants to go somewhere where your body language is watched and commented upon?

I feel the most betrayed by my mother since she jumped ship. A few years back my sister and I made her sign a contract that she would never again take dad's side against ours because dad's side is all about dad and he is toxic. She broke that contract and it hurts. Don't tell me to have a talk with her. I have tried. She has Stockholm syndrome where she sympathizes with her captor. It's like she is drugged and we no longer connect. At least i had my sister, UNTIL MY DAD BOUGHT HER A CAR, now he is great and she never calls me anymore. SHE takes it personal that I don't come see her or call her. She hasn't been to visit me at my house in five years. She never answers her phone and knows I am depressed and want to stay in bed. Maybe she feels the same way about me that I do my dad? ARGH the questions!

In the last year or so, I lost my job and fell into a depression. I stopped answering my phone because they were always trying to fix me and PUSH me to get better. I felt so much pressure from them it made my depression worse. Then the SNIDE comments started. I would get messages like GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF THE COUCH AND COME OVER or other like GET OVER IT. It was like my depression annoyed THEM.

For the last month, I have not called them, returned their calls if they left messages (always snide messages) and I have never felt better in my life. The thought of not having them in my life feels "right."

I have been having anxiety attacks since I was a teenager and haven't had one these last two weeks because I am not contributing to their negativity and backstabbing, and major GUILT TRIPS, you know the ones, WHAT IF I WERE TO DIE AND YOU WEREN'T THERE? I just say YOU ARE DEAD, HOW WOULD I KNOW?

My mother always FORCES us to be a close family,like some Norman Rockwell family when we are anything but. She forces us to attend birthday visits for everyone's birthday and get a cake, yadda yadda. And if you don't show, let the guilt trips begin.

Here is the kicker, my father hates his mother for the exact reasons I hate him and he has shut her out of his life. He said it was the best thing he ever did. My mother agrees that cutting grandma off was a great move. Why can't I do that? I am going through the same exact thing my father did. Why am I a devil spawn but my father is smart for staying away from his mother. My grandmother was a terrible mother, but her only crime was neglect and my father still can't get over it. My father's abuse put hers to shame and at 44 years of age, I can't put up with it any longer.

Has anyone here cut ties with their awful families guilt free and had a happy life? I realize parents won't give up because you are their child. Mine won't give up because they are too stupid to realize why I am doing what I am doing.

Any comments and stories of your own would be very welcome because even though I feel stronger than ever, there is a little part of me that is scared sh!tless!!!!!!!


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## FirstYearDown

Leaving the clutches of an abusive family is like leaving a cult. The fear comes from having a new freedom to live your life happily, the way you could not before. That is a huge change and there also the challenge of choosing healthy loved ones when you have no frame of reference.

I have taken months long breaks from my family, just to regroup after a huge blowup or needing time away from the drama and controlling behaviour. It has helped us appreciate each other more and showed what I will not tolerate. 

Recently, I let my guard down too much with my mother. We were chatting on the phone often like old pals and she told me that she wished we were closer. She also stopped insulting me, so I was stupid enough to believe that she had changed. Now I have a huge knife in my back that La Maman planted; she took private information that I told her in confidence directly to the person I mentioned. Now I know to keep being civil and distant like I was before. It is easier that way.

Do you have supportive friends? Is your spouse understanding? This helps a lot.


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## Runs like Dog

I emigrated to get away from them. My wife's sister emigrated to get away from her family.


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## that_girl

My mother was intrusive and I think has BPD and threw HUGE fits when she didn't get her way.

I noticed during big important things in my life...her attitude of jealousy or her snide comments. 

During my separation from Hubs, she was...just unreal with her comments and need to control and tell me what to do.

I cut contact for 3 months. I told her I just wanted space. She was fine and then went crazy about it...her comments and fits were wild. Then she calmed down...and that's when I started talking to her again. I didn't let the guilt get to me.

Now we talk maybe 2 times a month. It used to be everyday. DRAINING.

I suggest just choosing what space you need, and then taking it. Don't let their comments or guilt make you go back to how it was. Be your own person.


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## endlessgrief

Thank you so much you guys for posting with your stories, they helped me a lot. It hurts me that my mother isn't even trying to talk to me and my stupid dad keeps calling leaving nasty messages, cementing my resolve to never talk to them again.

I must admit, the freedom I feel without their calls and gossip and comments is wonderful! As for your question about people in my life who get it, yes, my husband is my biggest help. As an outsider, he has seen all the abuse I went through and is there with me and never judges me. My closest friends are also on board with this separation because they have been hearing about my awful family for years. You are right, a good support system means the world.


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## 7roninz

my story is about similar but u r leaving together with your parent. me, my dad stayed away from me and work oversea. my step mom, don't give a **** bout me. my long lost mother who left us for her selfish freedom dont'give a damn thing about me either after she found me and she don't put enough effort to visit me also. 

sometime i hate my both parent because they don't reach out to me or call me and ask me how r u , son? anyway, this is your thread and your story, i will bring it up in another topic. 

my point is that parenting skill is not the first thought when our parent make out. where the fark our mind is when the most important thing that has to be taught in school should be this skill rather than some sex education..sigh! apologize for the language! can't help it!


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## endlessgrief

7roninz - by all means, tell your story in this thread. I am looking to other stories so I don't feel so alone in my situation. Also, if I can help someone get through something by a comment, etc. then I am happy.

I'm sorry that you are in such pain. Whereas my parents won't let me go, yours don't seem to know you exist. You are right, people should have to take a test before they have kids. I believe that MOST people are not suited to be parents, because they have no idea what they are in for. Being a parent is HARD, that is why I never had children. I got on birth control BEFORE I had sex with my boyfriend (now husband) because I wanted no mishaps.

My mother got pregnant with me when she was 17 and she and my dad were rutting in the backseat of his hotrod. They used the "pull out" method. THAT METHOD DOESN'T WORK. I am proof. Sometimes I wish they never had me because they were not ready. And 44 years later, they still suck at it.


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## 7roninz

In today's world, parenting schooling is a must. Sex Education is important but one cannot neglect parenting and love skill for a child. 
even when children have reach 50's , they still act like kids internally. no study has been conducted yet but people like michael jackson and steve jobs still haunted by their missing parents love. the old men and women must not forget that your child brought so much love to them and if that alone can't make them see this little thing, than they should not jump into having kids in the first place. if sex is all they wanted, there's always a place for it.


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## endlessgrief

My husband keeps me posted on any stuff going on with my family since they are all on Facebook. Do you know what makes me sick? People who post their woes on Facebook just to get "poor you" replies from friends.

My dad's brother, Uncle Bill died today (I just found out from H, it was posted on my mothers facebook) and she wrote that now he will be fishing with his father in Heaven, what a great man he was, and she ended her diatribe with a WE WILL MISS YOU SWEET BILL. 

THEY HATED MY UNCLE BILLY!!!!!! HATED HIM!!!! My uncle was a liar, a thief, a scam artist, and did inappropriate things to little girls, like trying to be overly affectionate and flirting. When my Aunt was younger, she told my mom she never wanted my dad to bring his brother up to her house ever again.

The last time I spoke to my dad, all he did was ***** about Billy. Billy ruined his life, Billy stole everything he had as a child. Billy is the reason my grandmother neglected my dad, blah blah blah. I have been hearing this for YEARS and now its all YOU WILL BE MISSED SWEET BILL? God my family are so phony, the more steps I take back from them, the more in focus they become and I see them clearer and clearer. 

And don't give me that sh!t that families should come together in a time of tragedy. It's crap. My dad treated my uncle like dirt and used to yell at him all the time and call him names (just like he did to us). Billy is in a better place. He is away from the crazy drama. I can see him in Heaven, telling anyone who will listen that he invented the internet, that he was a war hero, and that he owned a chain of fishing stores. Every word out of Billy's mouth was a lie. He wasn't evil, in fact, I think he might have been slow in the head. All I know is that he was hated by my parents and the mourning they are showing is fake.


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## Corpuswife

Sometimes your family is unhealthy and not a place for you to be...It's ok to be kind and respecful and not be in touch with your family as to not do damage to yourself. 

I disconnected from my father 17 years ago. It just wasn't a healthy place for me. I don't have to pretend anymore. I am ok with not having an active father. We can't choose our family.


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## Kashmire

I just wanted to make a point concerning the 'comments' your referring to, the negative, hurtful comments aimed in your direction by your family members..... Those comments are abuse. I know what it's like feeling like you have not a caring soul in the world looking out for you, but take it from me you don't need that sort of attention. It hurts being without the ones you love but what's worse being alone or feeling alone?

Just something to think about!


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