# Why do people cheat



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I'm struggling with this, I was the cheater. 

I still can not get right to the point of why I did it. 

It happened 2 weeks after H and I decided to take a break ! It was a ONS , never seen him again ! 

When H asked me why I did it , I didn't know what to say ! I know I was hurting , cause H never showed me attention, and love. But I also know that is not a reason to cheat ! 

H and I are seperating and I would love to try and make some sense of this . It eats at me , as this is one of the reason he is leaving ! 

I don't know what the future holds but if I could make sense of all this maybe we both could have some closure to it. 

I have explained to him, that I was hurting and that I felt unloved and unwanted. He says " it wouldn't matter how much he felt unloved he would never do this to me " 

I know alot of you have been following my posts and know that he had an EA . 

My Cheat was 14 years ago, and maybe if I would have been able to figure out why I did this years ago maybe we wouldn't be going through this at all!


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I also wanted to add, when a spouse cheats. 

Do you think that means that they don't love their spouse. 

I know I loved my Husband, and I that I felt bad the minute it happened. I was 26 at the time , had 4 babies ages 8,6,4, and 1 . 
H and I had just got into the internet and we both got caught up on chat rooms. He was staying up all night when I was sleeping and I was up all day when he was sleeping. We both were in the wrong. 

I seriously need to figure this all out , I need to make sense of it for myself as well as him. 

Even how much I hate that he is doing and what he is done to me. I hate that I have caused him so much pain over the last 14 years. I know I can't take it back . But I need to understand this all.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

People cheat for different reasons I suppose. Most do because they are lacking something in their life. Does it make it right to do that? Of course not, everyone has choices. 

However I think you have banged your head against the wall for long enough. You can try to make sense of it all, all you want, doesn't mean it will happen. I think the best thing to do now, is to focus on taking care of you and if you have any kids etc. 

You can't change the past. You can't make your husband stay etc. You wil have to try your best to move forward, its all you can do right now.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Mama, you need to see a therapist if you want to get to the root of why you cheated. I can tell you some of the contributing factors and make generalizations regarding the psychology of cheating and why people do it... It really can be very very deep. But as far as your individual reason for doing it, I dont want to go there... It would be speculation...


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You stated you were hurting, felt unloved and unwanted, so I think you answered your own question as to why you did. 

No, it doesn't make it right, and yes there are many people who feel unloved and unwanted and do not cheat, but for whatever reason that was your choice back then. 

You need to stop beating yourself up over something that happend 14 years ago. I also agree with what the other poster had said about the fact your husband is just blaming you and using what you did as an excuse.

if he was truly that hurt, looks like he would have left you when it happened years ago. He is just looking to take the guilt off of himself and how he feels about leaving.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Also, can you tell us why you felt unloved and unwanted? What was he doing or not doing that made you feel that way?

What does he say when you tell him you felt unloved and unwanted by him?


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I would say that you don't cheat on those that you really truly love. If you are cheating, there is something very wrong with your relationship. People who are truly in love put the well-being of their partner ahead of their own. Why would you hurt the person you love? And don't tell me you did it on a whim, it meant nothing! "I Don't Know" referencing why you did something, works great for a 5 year old but is a complete and utter cop out for an adult to say. You may have cheated because you felt unappreciated, unwanted but those are mere symptoms of a greater problem...you were not in love with your husband.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

To be honest it is a good question at the heart of it. I personal can not wrap my heard around it. Every time I think about it, or even the "could I do that to her"....I just can't come come around to thinking someone gets to that point. My DW and I have had some pretty big lows, and 2 of those lows she either had an EA or a PA.... where as I stayed faithful to the end. I don't get it....nor will I ever I suppose.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You're brave to tell ppl you're the one who cheated here.
Pls allow me to share some interesting views with you.
I think the worst thing was not you cheated. The worst thing was you regretted what you had done to make yourself and your life more balanced and the worst thing is you let the bygone haunt you. 
You felt your life unbalanced, that's why you searched a thing to balance it.
I wouldn't regret about it and i'd keep my mouth zipped.
It's your emotional and sexual life. Most ppl rely on their spouses for those needs, only to discover the very ignorant sides of their spouses. 
You cheated because you took action to take care of your own needs and get them satisfied by someone who was able to fulfill them,which didn't mean you wanted to give up your family and marriage. 
It's to take a break so you feel less painful when your spouse showed you his cold shoulder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

People cheat because they can. Literally. Meaning some people do not have the capacity to cheat. They actually lack the ability. Ask around. That is why so many loyal spouses can not understand how it happened, they really do not understand the concept.

This is not something you were never able to do, then suddenly were able to do. The fact is that you were always able to and chose not to for a very long time. When you did, you realized that you had set rules for yourself that you eventually broke. Breaking your own rules is where the guilt comes from. Yes, hurting someone else is part of guilt too, but the bulk of shame is from letting yourself down and realizing that you have that capacity. 

Therapy will help you understand what released this ability in you. Just as your spouse is now aware that you have this capicity, you too must deal with it. Now you must figure a way to supress this. Perhaps the shame you feel will be enough. The association of emotional trauma with the act may be sufficent to accomplish this goal. 

That, however, will not fix your problem with your husband and if he and you are seperating, then it is unlikely your problem will end happily ever after. Learn from it, do not make this mistake again. 

I wouldnt dig too deep into the "why" of this.. because reasons are fancy ways of saying "excuses". No, I would focus on the "how" - What were your decision that led to your act of unfaithfulness. 

His EA had nothing to do with it. The choice was yours. and you need to figure out HOW you came to the decision, not why.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I would be interested in knowing too, why he made you feel so unloved or unwanted. I'm not saying that because he did that you cheating was the right thing, but what has happened has happened. 

I have to wonder to if he is one of these people who likes to place blame and never actually sees he might have had a hand in why things were/are the way they are. If you are involved with someone who is a blamer and never takes any kind of responsibility for anything they might have done or been a contributing factor to, then you are better off without them.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Btw, nothing to feel so proud about for being a faithful but an ignorant cold ass who doesn't care to show love and take action to take care of the spouse's emotional and physical needs.
You're faithful doesn't mean you're good.
You're faithful doesn't mean you are not heartless. You're faithful doesn't mean you're loving enough.
So ppl here enjoy cutting and judging ppl into half.
If you're a faithful spouse, you're the right one no matter how abusive you are.
If you're unfaithful, no matter how kind and great you're, you're a loser and totally evil.
That's how ppl are judged here in this forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> Btw, nothing to feel so proud about for being a faithful but an ignorant cold ass who doesn't care to show love and take action to take care of the spouse's emotional and physical needs.


I actually agree with that. There is nothing to be proud about in failing to meet the emotional needs of your spouse. And when your spouse comes to you, and tells you that... You should definitely address those issues immediately. Although, in this particular part of the forum, rarely, if ever does the spouse resort to open communication instead of open legs. OK that was over the top.. but effective.



MsLonely said:


> You're faithful doesn't mean you're good.
> You're faithful doesn't mean you are not heartless. You're faithful doesn't mean you're loving enough.


Again, you make a very good and apparent observation. And so how would you suggest dealing with this horrible, faithful person? I vote for informing them of your feelings, or leaving them outright. I think that would be better than say... oh i dont know.. help me out here.. what would be a bad way of dealing with a jerk of a spouse? anyone?




MsLonely said:


> So ppl here enjoy cutting and judging ppl into half.


Finally, I disagree. "Enjoy" would mean that people seek pleasure in it. I doubt very much that people here are getting any pleasure from the misdeeds of others. I suspect that many folks, myself included... offer a realistic perspective of the other side. This data is extremely valuable to a repentant spouse. Knowing the mindset of person whom you have offended can be a great start in the healing process. There is a reason why therapists ask " how did she make you feel?" or he... w/e. When a cheater posts, i always gain perspective into how they came to such an irrational decision and this offers us a glimpse at the mind of a cheater. I do not think there is really anything personal about it, and certainly nothing pleasurable.




MsLonely said:


> If you're a faithful spouse, you're the right one no matter how abusive you are.
> If you're unfaithful, no matter how kind and great you're, you're a loser and totally evil.
> That's how ppl are judged here in this forum.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not sure if i agree or disagree with this statement. Can you define "right"? Right about what? Exactly what could be right in a situation involving infidelity? Does a " right" person exist? Are you suggesting that sometimes, the unfaithful would assume this role of "right?" 

I dont know about all of that, but if a "right" position does exist, I am not sure how the unfaithful spouse sits into that role. I do know that many of us faithful spouses are not abusive or jerks.. and that does not mean we would fit that role either.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> I'm struggling with this, I was the cheater.
> 
> I still can not get right to the point of why I did it.
> 
> ...


I heard someone once say (Oprah or some talk show) that cheating isn't problem, it's a symptom.

And when you think about it, I think for some it might be true. Some ppl are just cheats, my brother is a fine example...I don't know that he was faithful to any woman except his now wife and she runs the show...lol

Some people it's feeling taken for granted or maybe not enough attention...but if they try to fix the problem and their SO doesn't respond, then it's a symptom I believe...

But what do I know...lol


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

twotimeloser said:


> I actually agree with that. There is nothing to be proud about in failing to meet the emotional needs of your spouse. And when your spouse comes to you, and tells you that... You should definitely address those issues immediately. Although, in this particular part of the forum, rarely, if ever does the spouse resort to open communication instead of open legs. OK that was over the top.. but effective.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Now you see. Ppl enjoy cutting ppl into half.
I don't mean faithful spouses are all jerks but they're not all angels as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

A person is right or wrong can't be judged solely on faithfulness.
There are still many aspects in marriage.
Sex is just a part of it.
If your spouse prefered to have sex with someone else, yes, something is very wrong in the marriage.
It's both sides that made the coin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Many ppl enjoy judging unfaithful spouse, by which, it made them feel proud of being the faithful ones, so all their ignorant or abusive behaviors can be justified.
Cheating is not lawfully wrong in most states.
You can't put in a cheater in jail. 
What you can do is to ask for a divorce if you're not happy with your cheating spouse.
By law, you can get married and divorced as many times as wished. That means, you're free to sleep with as many ppl as you like.
When you decide to break the marriage vows, make sure you're ready to get divorced.
It's life and life is too short to be sad.
Marriage is part of life and sex is just a part of marriage. 
Don't overate the importance of being faithful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> I heard someone once say (Oprah or some talk show) that cheating isn't problem, it's a symptom.
> 
> And when you think about it, I think for some it might be true. Some ppl are just cheats, my brother is a fine example...I don't know that he was faithful to any woman except his now wife and she runs the show...lol
> 
> ...


I have known many cheaters in my life but I have also noted that almost unequivocally, when/if they find the "one" they love, they inevitably settle down and stop the philandering. It is a function of finding someone you truly love, who fulfills your needs, all of them, that stops you from looking elsewhere.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Many ppl enjoy judging unfaithful spouse, by which, it made them feel proud of being the faithful ones, so all their ignorant or abusive behaviors can be justified.
> Cheating is not lawfully wrong in most states.
> You can't put in a cheater in jail.
> What you can do is to ask for a divorce if you're not happy with your cheating spouse.
> ...


Faithfulness is the absolute key to any marriage because it forms the basis of trust between two people. A marriage without trust is no marriage. You can't overstate the IMPORTANCE of faithfulness in a healthy marriage.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Corkey88 said:


> I have known many cheaters in my life but I have also noted that almost unequivocally, when/if they find the "one" they love, they inevitably settle down and stop the philandering. It is a function of finding someone you truly love, who fulfills your needs, all of them, that stops you from looking elsewhere.


I guess the same could be said then for those spouses who has told their other spouse and shown them over and over again what they need from them, but if that spouse who ignores what their spouse is trying to say or treats them poorly probably doesn't love their spouse much either then. 

No one knows the whole situation with WHY the OP cheated. She did mention she felt unloved and unwanted, so maybe he didn't love her much either, which if that was the case, he could have chosen to end things too jus like she could have instead of cheating. hard to say why people do what they do. 

Bottom line, whats done is done, and hopefully the OP can move forward.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Corkey88 said:


> Faithfulness is the absolute key to any marriage because it forms the basis of trust between two people. A marriage without trust is no marriage. You can't overstate the IMPORTANCE of faithfulness in a healthy marriage.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


I am totally against expectations... but come on. Isnt faithfulness one of those things you are supposed to get with the ring and the tux rental?


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Here is what happened:


Was march of 98 , we both were addicted to chat rooms. We spent no time together at all. Like I mentioned He was up all night on the computer and I was up all day while he was sleeping all day! 

We decided to take a break from each other, we had a lot going on and we were to be married in 2 months ! Everything was ready to go. I had begged him to stop talking to this one girl that he was chatting with. Not sure if any of you are familiar with the old Excite Vp Chat where you had avatars and you could link 2 of them together. He was always with her always. 

So he moved out to his friends place, 2 weeks later I had the one night stand. 

This where he says , I didn't love him enough cause I had a ONS. And this is why he is now ending our marriage . This was back in 98 !


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

trey69 said:


> I would be interested in knowing too, why he made you feel so unloved or unwanted. I'm not saying that because he did that you cheating was the right thing, but what has happened has happened.
> 
> I have to wonder to if he is one of these people who likes to place blame and never actually sees he might have had a hand in why things were/are the way they are. If you are involved with someone who is a blamer and never takes any kind of responsibility for anything they might have done or been a contributing factor to, then you are better off without them.


I don`t want to say for sure that he is a blamer but from the past 3 months I would have to say it is a fair guess. He has blamed me for everything that has gone wrong in the past 24 years. I finally asked him when he was going to start taken some responsibilities for his faults. He told me he does, he takes the blame for allowing me to walk all over him for 24 years. 

I`m starting to believe that this is something that he is using as an excuse cause it is something he knows I can`t change. He told the MC that he hates that I`m angry, depressed, *****y, controlling all the those I can change. And he has seen it, but that one thing I can`t change and there for he sees that the marriage is over. I can`t see someone staying with someone for 14 years and then all of a sudden say I`m done I want out. Keep in mind he was having an EA when he told me he was done that had been going on for months and months before I found out.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> I don`t want to say for sure that he is a blamer but from the past 3 months I would have to say it is a fair guess. He has blamed me for everything that has gone wrong in the past 24 years. I finally asked him when he was going to start taken some responsibilities for his faults. He told me he does, he takes the blame for allowing me to walk all over him for 24 years.


Then yes he is a blamer. He actually said to you he blames himself for letting you walk all over him. Ha, thats not taking blame really, thats still placing blame in a passive/aggressive manner. Sounds like you are better off without him.

Sounds like you both didn't have the greatest marriage from the get go.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm sorry JH, sounds like things started off rocky for you both to begin with. Doesn't sound like either of you truly were into the marriage and that perhaps you both married in hopes the other would change or things would get better, but rarely does that happen.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> Here is what happened:
> 
> 
> Was march of 98 , we both were addicted to chat rooms. We spent no time together at all. Like I mentioned He was up all night on the computer and I was up all day while he was sleeping all day!
> ...



Let me just say, how long ago it happened is absolutely meaningless. What happens when the cheating spouse tells the other that they cheated, trust is gone and hurt and anger remains. They start to question every good thing that ever happened in the marriage..it sullies everything. I know this from experience. He has never forgotten and clearly has not forgiven you. This anger has festered inside him since the day you told him.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

This is something that is for sure going to have to be brought up with my counselor. 

I understand the hurt , what i don`t understand is why wait 14 years. When he clearing could have left a long time ago. 

We broke up again in 2005 , this man begged and cried for me to come back for months. That doesn`t make sense to me at all. 

He is now leaving me cause of something I did years and years ago and he has known about since it happened. 

I still believe that he is leaving for other reasons that he won`t tell me about ! It doesn`t add up at all.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

He isn't leaving you for what you did 14 years ago! If he was that hurt he would have left then!

He is leaving for other reasons! he is using the EXCUSE of what you did 14 years ago!


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> He isn't leaving you for what you did 14 years ago! If he was that hurt he would have left then!
> 
> He is leaving for other reasons! he is using the EXCUSE of what you did 14 years ago!


:iagree:

I must concede here... If it is just bad... now... He might actually be relieved. I can see that point of view. 

Of course, that doesnt make it right.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

14 years ago. That is a long time I am sorry if you have had an unsettled marriage because of a ONS 14 years ago. There are surely more issues, Do you have transparency, are there secrets, if he started a big change in the last few months is he having an affair now.

Cheating, infidelity it hurts the LS from what I see it is tearing apart my disloyal wife. I can't console her and she cries everyday. She hates herself. But hers was EA/PA.
Now if she had a ONS and told me and regretted it, much easier to deal with, no emotional ties or dedication of the heart. An oops I screwed up fling.

We are all Human, making a infidelity mistake does not make a person evil, it does not make the infidelity right. I hate my W's A but i love my family and her in it more, so you decide what you can deal with and take it head on.

For your H to hold this over you for 14 years and now he is leaving over it??????? Unresolved issues, Mid life Crisis, Walk away spouse, freudian stuff or other current issues he is not telling you about.

So maybe this is offyour topic but like I said earlier, now that I have a cheating wife, I would be searching for signs of an A on his part. Just my 50 cents worth. Good luck follow your heart and gut. Do what is best for you and your family.

A one night stand does not define a whole marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why do people cheat? Because they want to.

The sooner the cheater can grasp that concept, the better for them. 

I know because I have cheated and I did it because I wanted to. Nobody made me do it. Nobody stuck a gun to my head. My marriage was really bad at the time, but that did not "make" me do it. Nobody can "make" someone do anything. We all have choices. I own what I did 100%. It was nobody's decision or choice but mine and mine alone.



trey69 said:


> I guess the same could be said then for those spouses who has told their other spouse and shown them over and over again what they need from them, but if that spouse who ignores what their spouse is trying to say or treats them poorly probably doesn't love their spouse much either then.


My situation was like this. I'd been telling him to go counselling with me for months before the affair. He kept saying no, that there was nothing to talk about. I would go to kiss him and he'd move his face away from me, telling me he was busy. I would literally be crying in front of him and he would tell me to move out of the way, that talking would resolve nothing.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

My W has owned up and said none of it was my fault. I will accept responsibilities for marriage issues that I did not recognize because she only hinted. 
The final act of cheating is an individual choice and the reasons are as limitless as the first time someone tries drugs. I can see how an EA can be a slow breakdown of barriers, the whole psychology behind it is unnerving. My sitch my W and OM both low self esteem low self confidence conflict avoiders, so they found the common ground to complain about their spouses. Bothe were on pain and sleep meds during the same time frame. They both had. A similar surgery within 3months of each other. Both lost family within a year or two both had new stressful jobs within two years.
so when they should have been deaaling with their spouses they found the lesser conflict route of each other. Top it off OM has always been a liar. 

The only true mistake is the one we don't learn from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Cheaters always have an excuse, but in the end it is as simple as " I felt like it" Now those who have been loyal, well they love reasons... because faithful spouses love to rationalize behavior. 

Give us the good stuff! Make *us *feel bad, tell us its our fault!! Talk about your family history!! Bring on the excuses!!

Someone once posted that Loyal spouses think they are always "Right" even if they are jerks...

Well Let me say this: You can be loving, when once neglectful. You can be affectionate, when once withdrawn. You can be ambitious, when once unmotivated. You can get thin, when once chubby. But you Cant fix Ugly and you cant un-cheat. 

So why do people cheat? 

Because they feel like it. It really is that simple.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

I like the way you think twotimeloser. You tell it like it is. I know many people want everything to be "peachy," and like things to be sugarcoated. People cheat because they're unsatisfied in some aspect of the relationship. I guess they feel that in order to go on, they need to indulge in something "outside the norm." Look, I'm not say I'm the easiest guy to get along with, but let me know when something is wrong. Don't give me these covert signals that I have to look out for, or try to decipher. If your still not happy, then lets go our separate ways... just don't deceive someone! You owe that person at least that much. To get into an extra-marital affair as an "escapist element" is totally selfish. Why not inform your significant other BEFORE you initiate an affair? You know why?... because they don't get the same satisfaction if the whole thing were not hidden... it's the running around, hiding, secrecy of it. It fuels the affair: FORBIDDEN FRUIT!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

why do we cheat...because we are human and flawed and stupid, because we let sh*t build up and don't deal with it like adults, because we deal with things incorrectly. I could go on and on and on....


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## SoulMateBeliever (Mar 17, 2011)

I totally agree with you 'twotimeloser'.. I have been married for 20 years and have NEVER been unfaithful. Never even thought about it. Don't get me wrong I have made mistakes, lied to my husband, spent money etc.. However, I think cheating is the worst thing to do as you break a vow to the spouse, and God and I could not bring myself to have sex with another man while I still love and intend to be with my husband. 
My husband on the other hand cheated several times. He says that sex is not the same as love and he only loves me. He says he has made mistakes but does not seem to think they are deal breaking. He says spending a lot of money and hiding the fact I did it (which I did) is worse than infidelity… He is a very moral main and is very ethical. I just think his ethics are different than mine. He thinks what he did was wrong. But he thinks what I did was worse. I, on the other hand would rather he blow tons of money and not cheat..


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Ok I realized both of my posts basically said the same thing, shows how much I was paying attention LOL, it's all fixed now


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> People cheat because they can. Literally. Meaning some people do not have the capacity to cheat. They actually lack the ability. Ask around. That is why so many loyal spouses can not understand how it happened, they really do not understand the concept.


I don't believe that people cheat just because they can. Honestly I would have cheated if it were that plain and simple.
However i am not a male and I have no idea how they think. So men may cheat just because they can!!

People cheat because there is something missing in the relationship, what ever it may me. Since something is missing they are going to find it else where. 

Most of the time having an affair is by "accident". Got caught up in the moment type of thing. and not actually actively looking for it!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i agree with alot of whats been already posted....specially by 2time.

if u read yer own posting here, u'll see that u've basically
answered yer own Q.

but what u may not see is: u both opened doors to evil when
u did the online chat stuff which led to other EA stuff (i'm sure)
later on, for one or both of ya.

for instance, take that movie called indecent proposal
with Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore (& Robt Redford).

rent it/watch it and u'll see what i mean. sure, it has a 
hollywood happy ending, but oh....the pain...the pain of it all.

warning to all: when another Hen or Rooster taint/play with
yer goods/goodies....well, nothing is ever-ever the same again.

nothing.

except God of course. HE remains the same, yesterday, today and tommorrow.

shalom.............


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## Atonement0000 (Mar 10, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Then yes he is a blamer. He actually said to you he blames himself for letting you walk all over him. Ha, thats not taking blame really, thats still placing blame in a passive/aggressive manner....
> 
> I'm in a similar position to Jaded Heart. I cheated and I don't fully know why.
> 
> ...


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