# new here, advice please



## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. I got pregnant the first month we started dating and he has always said we would not be together now if it were not for our son. We married 11 years ago. we now have another son. We have always had issues in our marriage. Things will seem fine for a while then we will have a fight and it drags on for days, (his choice, I get over it quick). He is now and has before talking about filing for a divorce. It seems a bit premature, we have been fight for about a week, he refuses to make up. Before our fight we both felt like we were in love. We talked about it several times. Our sex life is great, we enjoy watching some shows together, we have a lot of the same goals in life.

He is pretty fit and enjoys biking, running and playing hacky sack. I quit smoking and my father died a few months after that and I have gained like 75lbs over the past few years. I have struggled with my weight most of my life but have been able to keep it in check for a long time. My weight is an issue in our marriage I know this and I try really hard to lose it but it has been hard. I have realized I have an emotional eating problem, which I am going to get help for. I have been telling him for a while now that I am going to lose the weight, with no success. I really mean to. My weight is not our only issue. He used to drink and about 9 years ago he would get drunk and tell me how he wanted to have an affair with a co worker. He even moved out and tried, ( while I was Pregnant) she was not interested in him but then another girl came along and they kissed and had an emotional affair. I confronted this girl and thought that was the end of it until a few months ago. About 5 years ago he would stay out late and I knew something was going on he admitted he had been having and emotional affair but I did not know until a few months ago it was the girl from before. So I am now going through a period of grief. I don't trust him. He thinks I should cause he has been faithful for a long time. But I just found out about it. I check his email, get into his face book and ask him questions about who he was with and where he was. He also had a porn addiction which I hate. A couple of months ago we agreed he would stay off the porn as long as I was willing to perform oral for him whenever he needed it. I agreed. I love having sex with him. The porn made him rather be alone on the computer than come to me. I guess the weight might play a role. 

So our big issues he says I am controlling and don't trust him. I say he does not spend enough time with me and I get resentful. He goes to AA 5 days a week. ok fine but then he stays after the meetings and plays hacky sack until late hours. I go to bed, I have kids and work can't stay up that late. He gives me 1 day a week and if I have something going on or am to tired it is my loss cause he is still going to his meetings the other days anyways.

I am tired of the struggle of getting him to spend time with me maybe a divorce would be good maybe someone else would make me a priority. 

He is the one talking about divorce he has even called a few lawyers and left messages. 
So like I was saying it has been a week and before that we were in love. He won't really talk to me we have had sex and I thought things should be ok enough. He won't talk to me he says sex was a bad idea. He has agreed to counseling. I can tell he is forcing himself to not talk to me. I want to talk about it and still spend time together and go to counseling. He says no talking or spending time together until we have dealt with our issues. I think it is just making things worse and least if we were talking we could maintain our bond. 
Maybe he is right we should just move on. 
anybody had any experience with any of this.

Sorry it is so long and a mess, that is how I am right now a mess.


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## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

He is telling me this morning that he thinks he has a sex addiction. He did not want to have sex with me a few day ago but he could not help himself. He says he has really had it with the fighting and really was determined to get a divorce until we had sex, now he feels like he has to try to work on things so he has agreed to counciling because of that. I think he might really have a sex addiction. For the first 11 years of our marriage there was always another women. Not that he has slept with but one that he would like to have. Some he makes friends with and I think if I was not right there to put her in her place he would have done it a few times. He has never really gone all the way but the emotional part has hurt me even more. I think if he had just had sex and gotten it over with it I would not have hurt as bad as the friendship part does. Then again with the porn. He resently tried to go through lent without having sex. This is when we made our agreement to stay off the porn. He also refrained from doing it alone. But I messed it up twice during that time I came to him for it and he gave in. now he resents me for it. In my mind I was thinking we are married, the problem is with all of the other sex things for him (looking for other women and porn). Not with having sex with his wive. Sex is the one way I have found that gives me intimacy. He is not affecionate at all and I get so hungry for it. If sex is the only way I can get it, it is better than none. He left for work this morning without saying good bye. I dont know what to do. I dont want our marriage to end but I feel like I am forcing him because I am the one talking him in to staying and working it out.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I haven't been in your shoes, but want to let you know that I read your post, and want to make sure you see some sort of response. 

I have a few random thoughts, none of which are the answer.  (sorry!)

1. It seems odd for him to give up sex w/ your spouse for Lent. I realize a lot of people have issues surrounding religion and sex, but within marriage is ALL GOOD! 

2. The porn addiction seems really bad. I have seen that destroy the marriage of someone I know. From what I understand, it's an addiction like booze or drugs - he has to come off if it like that. 

3. Your weight is a tough one. I also struggle with body image issues... Is there support you can reach for? Weight Watchers group? I do think it's important that you feel good about yourself, but I also believe in learning to accept yourself. You have had kids and dealt with a LOT from him over the years... I find it hard to believe your weight is the cause of issues, but they are obviously a symptom.

4. I'm a bit confused about your willingness to put up with him wanting to be with other women for so many years. That just sounds terrible! Is he testing you? Do you know what was going on with all that?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I can relate to your problem in some ways. A sex/porn addiction is a possibility here. And it can be just as damaging as other addictions. Honestly, I believe he has probably had full blown affairs, not just EAs. It is interesting that he admits he has a sex/porn addiction. Since he acknowledges the problem, counseling is a good place to start.

When you get things resolved with your spouse, your weight problem will probably improve. I know I eat when I am under stress too. It could help to meet with a weight loss group.

And finally it isn't the end of the world if your marriage ends. I know I put up with way too much mental abuse over 20 years myself. Unfortunately, I could not see it while we were together. I now wonder why I even put up with the estranged husband's crap for so long. You deserve to be treated a lot better than what you are currently being treated!

Good luck to you!


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## cami (Jun 13, 2010)

I am new here too, but I have some thoughts that I hope will help.

I too struggle with my weight. My hubby's problem is not the weight itself, but what it's doing to me. Such as causing extreme fatigue, causing emotional issues within me coupled with losing my mom in January - basically depression, making me moody....I have actually done some things with the doctor to find out if some of it is physical and guess what? It is. We found that I have some problems with my thyroid levels in my body which can cause all of these things AND the weight gain. So maybe that is something to look at.

I have also started to see a counselor on my own to address the emotional issues plaguing me. It doesn't sound like much, but it HAS helped me recognize them rather than deny them. Now we are going to work on those issues.

As for the porn addiction. My hubby has always been into porn. From the time before we were together until now. It took me forever to recognize that his addiction wasn't because of an inadequacy in me, but because he enjoyed it. Okay fine. But I still felt like he was comparing me to them. Now that we are truly talking I have found out that he is not comparing me to them, he is just bored with our sex life. He says that things being the same all the time are just not enough for him and he wants some variety and some spontaneaity (sp?). So I am working on that. And we really had fun the last two times we were together. That is amazing to me. He didn't have a porno movie on, just him and me and had fun. 

Anyhow, just my thoughts and my experiences and I hope they help you some. Good luck!


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## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

Thank you for your replies. 
First I wanted to say thank you for replying. 

A little more back ground info about the porn. I know some men like it, and that in itself seems fine. We have had several fight in the past 6 months that have put us where we are today. One we had a while back was about the amount of time he spends with me and our lack of a sex life. During this fight he told me flat out that because I have put on so much weight he is not attracted to me. I can see that somewhat. I told him I think it has a lot to do with the porn. How can I live up to that expectation. Before this fight I was lucky if he had sex or affection from him other than sitting next to me for a movie, once a month. After a few days of fighting he came to the conclusion that the only way he would know for sure if it was my weight or the porn would be to test himself and see if he did have a sex or porn addiction. That is why he gave it up for lent. I don't see why he felt it needed to include sex with me but according to him it did. After this fight we have been a lot closer, we have been having sex like twice a week. I had a lot to do with that. He said I must be available for him. Fine I have always enjoyed having sex with him and have never turned him down. The problem with that is that I am a day person I get up around 7 and get tired by midnight. If he would be home I would have been more than willing to stay up later with him and that is even how we have managed to have sex twice a week because I force myself to stay up. He is a night person staying up until 4 or 5 am. He goes to AA 5 days a week and that meeting does not start until 11:30pm and then after they play hacky sack until 4 am. If it is not the hacky sack it is something else he always seem to have something else to do. With this new arrangement he agreed to give me Tuesdays after his meeting which gets over around 12:30 am he would come home right after. After a while of forcing myself to stay up I got worn out and missed my Tuesday a couple of times. He would not give me another day and I got resentful. After a while the little things started to bug me until I blew up at him for not paying me back for clothes I bought the kids. So the porn is an issue not because it is porn but because he finds it easier to whack off to the computer screen then come to me and then his expectations of me are impossible to fulfill.

I am now very upset again today. I have checked his face book and his email or a long time. I have trust issues. So today I find he has changed his email password. He says he has nothing to hide but thinks that I am to controlling and that is why he does not want me looking at his stuff. So does anyone know how to get a computer thing to monitor his computer time. Part of his AA was to make a list of everyone he has harmed and things that he has done wrong. A few months ago during one of our fights he showed me the list. That is how I found out about the girl from 5 years ago. It only said that he lied about it to me. The time he cheated with the girl 9 yrs ago was on there and that was it. This list is why I think he has not really cheated all the way because it would of said that unless he is sneaky enough to have made two one for me to see and one for his sponsor to see. Now with this email thing the first thing that comes to mind is what does he have to hide. We have not talked about it because he does not know that I check his stuff. I don't tell him. I figured out the last password a while ago as far as I knew he did not know I knew it. I think if I monitor his computer time for a while without him knowing and nothing comes up then I will be able to trust him again after time. Sometimes I think life would be easier if we just split but when things are good I feel so in love with him. I dont know what to do. 

Thanks again.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Does he work at all? How is he able to be up so late every night? That does not make a lot of sense.

BUT--clearly you and the marriage are not a priority. Why are you settling for this? He's got you strung along, that's for sure--everything is on his terms (how often he'll spend with you, when he'll have sex). That's fine--for him. Clearly it is NOT working for you. Since he is not willing to make you a priority, you must decide if you want "part time love and marriage" or something more. Making yourself miserable over this isn't going to change anything. 

If you decide "part time" is better than nothing, it *might* work, although I suspect you will begin to disconnect from him and eventually just tell him to go f*ck himself b/c you will realize you don't even want him, let alone need him. Maybe not. 

BUT, if you look at what you said, "when things are good. . ." How often is that? On balance, does this relationship add to or detract from your well being and happiness? What are your kids learning about love and marriage from seeing this relationship? What are they learning about an individual's responsibility to set boundaries and demand respect for themselves? Would you be happier alone, with a chance (just a chance, no guarantees) of something better someday? Do you already feel alone in this marriage?

These are tough questions that only you can answer. He's given clear indications that the marriage is not a priority to him right now. You can change within the marriage--demanding more, b/c you need more (and you have that right). He will have to decide if he really does or does not value the marriage enough and love you enough to meet your needs. At the very least, you need to insist on continued counseling and openness--he is calling you "controlling" when the real issue is, he behaved in an untrustworthy fashion. It does not matter how long ago that was, if you still do not feel secure. By him being completely open, you will regain trust in him, and one day you won't need that much openness. He does not get to criticize you for not having it "yet." He claims that nothing has happened in the 5 years, but how would you know that is true considering what you just found out? it is quite normal for you to think "what else didn't I learn?" 

At some point, you have to decide what will contribute to your happiness and contentedness, and that of your kids. That's the hard part, obviously! You know you are not happy, but you cannot know if the alternatives will be better (continuing to work for change in the marriage, separating, whatever). It's certainly worth trying to repair things but with only one willing partner, be realistic about how long you will try before re-assessing and moving on if you must. Good luck.


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## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

Thank you your replies, you have given me alot to think about.


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