# Husband in the "friend zone" ...Can you help me to get out of it?



## Greathusband

*Husband in the "friend zone" ...Need advice*

My wife and I have been married for 8 years and are now having serious marital problems. She has been overwhelmed with work, taking classes, lack of sleep, managing life, etc. for the last 3 years. In 2011, I lost my job and was out of work for a year. Soon after, we lost our house and had to file for bankruptcy. Over that time, we stayed together. We have a 4 1/2 year old son and haven't had a strong intimate relationship since he was born. Our relationship has been more like a friendship over the last 4 years. We get along and don't fight very often, but don't have that intimacy or closeness. While she will be finished with classes this month and her stress level should go down, she says she needs a break to "figure things out" this summer. 

There is no OM. She comes home straight after work and is too overwhelmed with school work to go out at night or on the weekends.

We have been to couples counseling 3 times together and a few times separately since October. We haven't been consistently, so that is our next step(In May) if my wife agrees to it. We go on a date night once a month, but haven't been on a over-night date since October. 

I am just confused as to how to act....should I hug her when she doesn't really hug back. There is zero intimacy and touch. Zero. Should I keep doing things for her (laundry, breakfast, etc.) There is little effort on her part on our relationship....and I feel that won't change until she gets consistent counseling and/or medication. Something in her mind is "blocking" us from being close.

Slowly over the last few years, other things have taken a priority over our marriage. "LIFE" (work, school, kid, bills, Etc.) has consumed her and our relationship has taken a back seat. Again, I don't know if that "spark" can just re-appear without serious counseling together and with her separately. Again, this is HARD because we get along and don't argue. We are just "friends" and don't have that closeness we once had.

She broke down crying yesterday, overwhelmed with everything. She says she doesn't want to hurt me, and wants me to be involved with our son's life as much as I am now. She calls me the perfect husband and perfect father but she's not attracted to me at this time. The intimacy switch has been turned off on her end for a while. She has mentioned that I should stay at my parents(10 minutes away) this summer to give her space and give her time to figure things out. 

I've been told their is nothing I can do to make her love me....she has to WANT to make an effort in this. I'm afraid if I keep pushing this will push her away more.

I am struggling as I love her and don't want to "give in". Other people have told me, "don't leave the house", the person that wants out of the marriage should leave. This is not a violent relationship. I want this marriage to work, and I don't think she really understands what a divorce will do to us and our son. 

Do I keep being the great husband and support her, but not be pushy, or should I stop doing things for her(which will add more to the stress level in her life?) Can you provide any guidance?

I greatly appreciate it.


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## tryingtobebetter

Books which are recommended by many on this website are His Needs Her Needs, No More Mr Nice Guy and the Five Languages of Love.

If she really thinks you are the perfect husband, then no way should you be going to your parents 'to give her space'.


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## Toffer

*Re: Husband in the "friend zone" ...Need advice*



Greathusband said:


> While she will be finished with classes this month and her stress level should go down, she says she needs a break to "figure things out" this summer.
> 
> *This is a MAJOR signal that's she's checking out for whatever reason!*
> 
> There is no OM. She comes home straight after work and is too overwhelmed with school work to go out at night or on the weekends.
> 
> *Sorry but how do you know this other than assuming that he has not carved out time at school for a OM? Trust but verify! Check cell phone records, VAR in car and consider keylogging the PC. There are many stories here of spouses in school finding their true "soulmates"*
> 
> I am just confused as to how to act....should I hug her when she doesn't really hug back. There is zero intimacy and touch. Zero. Should I keep doing things for her (laundry, breakfast, etc.) There is little effort on her part on our relationship....and I feel that won't change until she gets consistent counseling and/or medication. Something in her mind is "blocking" us from being close.
> 
> *Look up the 180 and implement it. Start to work on You!*
> 
> She broke down crying yesterday, overwhelmed with everything. She says she doesn't want to hurt me, and wants me to be involved with our son's life as much as I am now. She calls me the perfect husband and perfect father but she's not attracted to me at this time. The intimacy switch has been turned off on her end for a while. She has mentioned that I should stay at my parents(10 minutes away) this summer to give her space and give her time to figure things out.
> 
> I am struggling as I love her and don't want to "give in". Other people have told me, "don't leave the house", the person that wants out of the marriage should leave. This is not a violent relationship. I want this marriage to work, and I don't think she really understands what a divorce will do to us and our son.
> 
> *The other people are right. Do NOT leave the house. It doesn't matter why she's checked out. If she wants space or out of the marriage, SHE should leave the marital home, not YOU!*
> 
> Do I keep being the great husband and support her, but not be pushy, or should I stop doing things for her(which will add more to the stress level in her life?) Can you provide any guidance?
> 
> I greatly appreciate it.


*So you don't think that once she pushes you out of the house in 4 weeks time that it won't "add more to the stress level in her life? Look, she wants you out so she should find out NOW how difficult life will be without you in it

To be honest, I am willing to bet a lot of this stems from the job problems you had. She probably thinks less of you because of the loss of your home. You need to stop trying to "nice" her to death and be a real man here.

Good luck because I think you really need it!*


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## PHTlump

*Re: Husband in the "friend zone" ...Need advice*



Greathusband said:


> While she will be finished with classes this month and her stress level should go down, she says she needs a break to "figure things out" this summer.
> 
> There is no OM. She comes home straight after work and is too overwhelmed with school work to go out at night or on the weekends.


When a wife needs a break, there is almost always another man. Maybe she's not having a physical affair yet. But I would bet money that she has another man in her sights. And not just a hypothetical man that's not you. She's got a crush on somebody she knows.



> We have been to couples counseling 3 times together and a few times separately since October. We haven't been consistently, so that is our next step(In May) if my wife agrees to it.


Counseling works when both spouses are committed to the marriage. A counselor is not going to convince your wife that she should love you again.



> We go on a date night once a month, but haven't been on a over-night date since October.


Once a month is grossly inadequate. Try once a week.



> I am just confused as to how to act....should I hug her when she doesn't really hug back. There is zero intimacy and touch. Zero. Should I keep doing things for her (laundry, breakfast, etc.) There is little effort on her part on our relationship....and I feel that won't change until she gets consistent counseling and/or medication. Something in her mind is "blocking" us from being close.


If she wants you to be a friend, then act like a friend. Have you had other roommates? Did you do their laundry or cook them breakfast? Well, why would you do that for your new roommate, just because she used to have sex with you?



> Again, I don't know if that "spark" can just re-appear without serious counseling together and with her separately. Again, this is HARD because we get along and don't argue. We are just "friends" and don't have that closeness we once had.


Give up on counseling. Women don't become attracted to men because of counseling. If they did, then singles bars would all have counselors employed to talk women into dating the men that are present.

Women become attracted to men who are attractive. So be attractive. Lose weight. Gain muscle. Get out of the house. Be interesting. Have other friends and interests. Your wife will be much more interested in sex with you if you can give her some interesting experiences than if you're following her around the house (or badgering her to attend counseling) and screaming, "LOVE ME!!!"



> She says she doesn't want to hurt me, and wants me to be involved with our son's life as much as I am now. She calls me the perfect husband and perfect father but she's not attracted to me at this time. The intimacy switch has been turned off on her end for a while. She has mentioned that I should stay at my parents(10 minutes away) this summer to give her space and give her time to figure things out.


So, she wants you involved just as much as you are now with your son, yet living somewhere else? There is a name for that. Nanny. Your wife wants a nanny and you seem to fit the bill.

You are the father. Don't be the nanny.



> I've been told their is nothing I can do to make her love me....she has to WANT to make an effort in this. I'm afraid if I keep pushing this will push her away more.


Exactly. You need to pull, not push. Attractive qualities (money, muscles, assertiveness, confidence, etc.) are what pull women. You can't debate a woman into having sex with you.



> I want this marriage to work, and I don't think she really understands what a divorce will do to us and our son.


So, give her a sneak peek. Let her see you having fun with other people (men and women) to see if she gets jealous. Let her do her own laundry and cook her own breakfast. The life of a single mother isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. to get more information on how to be sexy.

Good luck.


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## Hicks

If a wife's life is not pleasurable and rewarding.... She will not reward her husband with pleasure.

All of what you post... Put the words "I allowed" in front of your sentences. 

For Example: "I allowed her to become overwhelmed with work, taking classes, lack of sleep, managing life, etc. for the last 3 years. " or "Slowly over the last few years, I allowed other things have to take a priority over our marriage. I allowed "LIFE" (work, school, kid, bills, Etc.) to consumed her and I allowed our relationship to take a back seat."

Once you look at it from HER perspective, you will know why she does not feel the love and spark for you.


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## growtogether

I think you are doing good. Just continue to be yourself. I agree with you that push it may be too much for her, so just keep it normal.
Like you say, she needs to put the effort into it as much as you do. I think she knows how much you want the relationship through your words and actions.
I think you can just be curious now. Curious about what is going on inside of her. What is she feeling that way? What does she need to be happy again? Where does she see herself in 5 years?
Most of the time, we know those answer, but you can actually find more about yourself when you hear yourself saying out loud. Just make her talk about herself.


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## unbelievable

People need to quit believing this lie that life is supposed to be pleasurable and rewarding or there's something wrong with it. Life is just life and whether we find it pleasurable or not is a choice we make every day. We mostly get out of our relationships no more than we invest in them. A "happy" life is no accident just like a successful career is no accident or well-adjusted kids don't magically happen. All the above require work. 
Should you hug her if she doesn't hug back? Did you promise to love her only on the days she was lovable? Your duty as husband isn't contingent on her performance. Be the best husband and partner you know how to be. Each and every day you are working on your marriage. You are either working to improve it or you're working to destroy it. There are no vacation days. So, what does your wife need? She's going to school, overwhelmed, etc. How about stepping up and taking housework off her plate? How about giving her a backrub or foot massage? How about helping her with her studies? Focus your effort on meeting her needs. Meeting your needs is her responsibility and her problem. It's your duty to clearly articulate them. You won't always get what you want. Nobody does. 
Should you keep doing laundry and other things? Do clothes still get dirty at your house? 
Intimacy is built throughout the day and most of it has nothing to do with sex. Can she trust you to be tough and patient even when she's weak and not very lovable? Can she trust that you are as interested in her frustrations as she is? Take her for a walk, run her a bubble bath (without expectation of sex) take care of the kids for her and brag about her. She's carrying a heavy load and the family will presumably benefit when she graduates. My SIL went to college and got a nursing degree. Her and my brother struggled while she went to school but her graduation literally changed their lives. They had been living hand-to-mouth in a mobile home park, driving clunkers. Now, they live in a fine house in a gated community with new cars, motorcycles, etc. My brother took on a support role while she was in school. He worked but he also took care of the baby, cooked, cleaned, and probably was frustrated because he got little attention from his wife. They've been married nearly 30 years now. His sacrifice of four years was nothing compared to the rewards. Maybe after she graduates, you two will never have to lose another home or suffer another bankruptcy. If nothing else, you both will have achieved something great that nobody can ever take away..she will get the diploma but it took both of you to get it. Very little is quite as bonding as two people working toward and meeting worthwhile goals.


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## Greathusband

@ Toffer -
Thanks for your insight. What is the 180? Can you share a little about it? And what does "be a real man" really mean? I understand I have to live my own life, work on myself, work out, be confident, etc. But, I'm also trying to relieve stress from her life until she's finished with these classes.(end of April).

Our problems started in 2009 and I loss my job in 2011. This started way before then. Any other thoughts?

Again, do I keep being supportive, loving, a good listener, etc. and be what a husband should be? Or, should I stop being that person and treat her like a roommate?

Thanks,
GH


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## Greathusband

@ growtogether - Thanks for your comments. I have been overly support of my wife, and to her credit, she's sacrificed and done a lot. I think she is overwhelmed with life and thinks a break from me will cure it or force her to make a decision. I think this is deeper than all of this though. I think she has an emotional block that is deep that this, keeping her from being close to me. Right now, she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. So, I am trying to figure out what I can do and how I should act around her. Should I be myself or stop doing things to make her life easier? Either way, I really think she needs counseling to work through her issues and probably needs medication too.


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## tryingtobebetter

GH

I think you are likely to get (at least) two sorts of advice on this website.

One I might characterise as 'tough love' - doing the 180 etc.

The other I can think of is a more touchy-feely, sensitive (how can I be a better husband?) approach.

Only you can really decide which is needed in your situation because only you really know your wife. We will tend to recommend what we think might work based on our own life experiences, which differ and therefore colour the way in which we will approach these matters.

Read around, think, talk to your wife, assess the situation but ultimately only you can decide what you think might work for you.

Good luck


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## A Bit Much

She's working and in nursing school? That's tough. Even part time jobs are tough to do when in nursing school. The stress and pressure is unbelievable in those classes.

I'll also add that I've seen plenty of marriages fail due to this kind of stress. I'm an admin for the nursing department at a college. The students have affairs with their study partners (the people who they feel understand what they're going through) and/or they don't have great support systems at home who really understand they have to disconnect to succeed in their classes. 

Something has happened in her to change how she feels about you, and it's been going on for 4 years. That's quite a long time to feel such indifference toward you.


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## growtogether

Greathusband said:


> @ Should I be myself or stop doing things to make her life easier? Either way, I really think she needs counseling to work through her issues and probably needs medication too.


Just be yourself without doing too much. Just continue to do what you do to show her that you are still 100% into your relationship with her without pushing it too much.
Does your wife know about coaching? Counseling is great too, but if it's about being able to make a decision and decide which action plan to choose from, I think she would be interested to work with a life coach.


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## COguy

Sorry I have to be brief I'm busy at work.

GH, you're a "nice guy", your post reeks of what we call in the scientific TAM community "doormat disease".

Your wife is probably cheating on you. Almost certainly emotionally, possibly physically, possibly both. This is hard to grasp in your current state because you are a trusting person.

You need to read some books, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Married Men Sex Primer. Start getting your life together for yourself. You will discover very shortly the truth about your wife and your life is about to change forever from it.

That will be a very bad thing in the short term, but in the long term you have a chance to make it change your life for the better.

You need to start snooping on your wife, check her phone, phone bills/records, emails, facebook, computer, put VARs in her car and house. Do not confront her with any evidence you find, she can not know how you get your information.

I'm sorry your marriage has come to this, know that you're in good company here, most of us have been through exactly what you're going through, some worse than others. This will make you a better person though.


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## Greathusband

@PHTlump -Thanks for all of the advice! I will dig a little, I certainly hope there is not a OM, but will secretly try to find out. Counseling - I don't know 100% if my wife is committed to this marriage. The counseling would be for her sake, to find out what is "blocking" her from her emotions to me. I think it's deeper than my job, the house, etc. I am not out of shape, but you make a good point. I need to work on myself to be MORE attractive and start having my own life more. I am still not sure about dropping the help. Yes, I agree I don't want to be a Nanny BUT, dropping everything I usually do (housework, laundry, etc.) will make things crazy. Maybe I drop some of it, and keep doing other things. Unbelievable (in another reply) stated Did you promise to love her only on the days she was lovable? Your duty as husband isn't contingent on her performance. Be the best husband and partner you know how to be. I tend to agree with him. I'm not going to be a pushover, but will continue to love her and be a good husband. I'd love your thoughts again. Thanks. GH


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## WorkingOnMe

Don't completely drop doing laundry. Just stop doing HER laundry.

Also, if sex isn't important to her, then she won't mind if you get it elsewhere. If she does mind you getting it elsewhere, then it must be important. That's the truth. So if it's important, but yet she still won't give it to you, then you've got bigger problems than just being in the friend zone.


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## A Bit Much

I'm wondering how she came to the conclusion that kicking you out of the house would help her 'figure things out'? What things can't she figure out WITH YOU? 

Red Flags are flying my friend. If she's wanting to be done with the marriage, she should be the one leaving the house, not you. What she's asked you to do is cruel. "I don't love you anymore, and I want you out of my sight. Leave me!" Who died and made her queen of the land?

Please don't leave your home. You put your foot down and say either we figure this out together, or we call it quits right now and get some papers drawn up. After 4 years of this treatment inflicted upon you, there's been plenty of time for her to figure it out. Now is the time for the decision, and she needs to be put on the spot to make it.


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## Greathusband

@Unbelievable -Thanks for all of the advice! I appreciate it....over the last 5 years I have done those things. I've been helpful around the house to the extreme. She CAN trust me to be here for her, but over the last 4 years, we've grown apart. I have met her needs to the best of my ability but like Her life has not been pleasurable and rewarding over the last 4 years. She often says "she doesn't know how to work on our marriage and relationships."(She comes from a bad broken home with Divorced parents, alcoholic dad and mom with mental problems)

Doing the laundry and other nice things for her doesn't make her attracted to me. Counseling - I don't know 100% if my wife is committed to this marriage. The counseling would be for her sake, to find out what is "blocking" her from her emotions to me. I think it's deeper than my job, the house, etc. You stated "Did you promise to love her only on the days she was lovable? Your duty as husband isn't contingent on her performance. Be the best husband and partner you know how to be." I tend to agree with you but I feel she looks at me as just a "good help around the house" rather than a husband. I'm not going to be a pushover, but will continue to love her and be a good husband. I'd love your thoughts again. Thanks. GH


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## Greathusband

@ A Bit Much - Thank you my friend! I needed to hear that. I agree with you. Why should I have to leave? She has made sacrifices (schooling, etc.) but so have I (housework, lack of intimacy, etc.) Her classes finishes in April and her job finishes in May. She mentioned that she needs to the summer to sort things out and figure out what she wants and what to do. But, I agree with you, why can't we try to work this out together? She will be off for the summer anyway(she's a teacher), Why do I need to leave the house? Counseling - I don't know 100% if my wife is committed to this marriage. The counseling would be together and then individually for her sake, to find out what is "blocking" her from her emotions to me. She might need medication. I think it's deeper than my job, the house, etc.


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## Greathusband

@ tryingtobebetter - Thanks, you gave some solid advice. I know I can go either way (180 or nice guy) 

I'm praying on this and trying to understand what to do. But, besides being supportive and being myself, is there anything I really can do? It's ultimately HER decision to work at the marriage or to step away. Any thoughts?

Also, I will ask her to take the 5 love languages test online. I think that would be revealing to me as to what she really needs.

Thanks so much!


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## A Bit Much

It IS ultimately her decision to walk or not... but do not give up your ground until she makes the decision. Don't leave your house. Whatever she needs to figure out she can do with you there working together to do it. Any time a spouse asks another to leave, it doesn't bode well for the one who concedes to do so. You may be thinking you're helping her by giving her this space, but you wouldn't be. You would be doing the equivalent of waving a white flag, when that's NOT the position you want. She's going to have to give you more and a clear understanding of what she really wants. She may have decided that being single would suit her better, but she owes you an explanation for why she's drawing that conclusion. Right now you have no idea WHY she's been distant and checked out. She owes you an explanation.


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## PHTlump

Greathusband said:


> Counseling - I don't know 100% if my wife is committed to this marriage. The counseling would be for her sake, to find out what is "blocking" her from her emotions to me.


There are usually two reasons for wives to fall out of love with their husbands. The first reason is that they're focusing on other men. The second reason is that their husbands have become less attractive. That usually means not enough alpha behaviors.

It may be something else, but my money is on one, or both, of those reasons.

And, if no other man is involved, don't expect your wife to be able to articulate her reasons for wanting to leave you. Most women truly believe the hype about just needing a husband that is more sensitive, helps more around the house, etc. But the harsh reality is that doing laundry is appreciated, but not attractive. And doing even more laundry will only result in more appreciation, and never any attraction.

Here is a good post from Dalrock on how he changed his behavior and his wife finally felt loved.
She felt unloved. | Dalrock



> I am still not sure about dropping the help. Yes, I agree I don't want to be a Nanny BUT, dropping everything I usually do (housework, laundry, etc.) will make things crazy. Maybe I drop some of it, and keep doing other things.


That is reasonable. You want to make sure that you each contribute to the marriage in comparable amounts. If she is spending 50 hours a week on her job and childcare/housework, but you're spending 80 hours a week on your job and domestic duties, then you're out of balance. So you should cut back.

Athol had a good post about hooker math.
Good Beta, Betaized, Butler and Hooker Math | Married Man Sex Life

And I wouldn't count her degree work as a family contribution. If she were planning to use the increased money to contribute to the family, then yes. However, she has stated that she plans to ditch you once she finishes her degree. So the degree is strictly for her benefit alone.



> Unbelievable (in another reply) stated Did you promise to love her only on the days she was lovable? Your duty as husband isn't contingent on her performance. Be the best husband and partner you know how to be. I tend to agree with him. I'm not going to be a pushover, but will continue to love her and be a good husband. I'd love your thoughts again. Thanks. GH


First, you can't "nice" a woman into being attracted to you. Over at the MMSL link I posted, Athol Kay uses two broad categories of behavior. Alpha behaviors are attractive. These are earning a good salary, being in shape, dressing well, being assertive, etc. Beta behaviors are comforting. These include helping around the house, being a steady provider, being a good father, supporting your wife in her endeavors, etc.

So, women like a balance. Beta behaviors can be vital to the success of a marriage, as long as you have that alpha edge. If you are too beta with too little alpha, then you are the nanny. This seems to be how your wife sees you. And it is impossible to fix a lack of alpha by ramping up your beta.

Now, if your marriage were going through a 4-week, or even a 4-month funk that promised to be temporary, then I would say to just love her more and power through it. But that's not your situation. Your marriage has been in a 4-year funk. And you wife has told you that she plans to move on without you when she has finished bettering herself.

So, starting four years ago, your wife's 5-year plan seems to have been to work hard, earn a degree, let you be the nanny and do the hard work on the domestic front while she was busy improving her earning potential, then ditch you and hook up with Mr. Plan A. That sounds like a great plan for her. But it's a lousy plan for you. And the way you deal with that is not to reinforce her view of you as Plan B. If she really wants to ditch you, then she can do her own damned laundry and make her own damned breakfast. And she can be the childcare for you when you're out with your friends doing fun and exciting things.

Good luck.


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## tulsy

*Re: Husband in the "friend zone" ...Need advice*



phtlump said:


> ...
> 
> Go to married man sex life | how to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which i mean doing it like rabbits. to get more information on how to be sexy.
> 
> Good luck.


^ this

mmsl


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## Blue Firefly

*Re: Husband in the "friend zone" ...Need advice*



tulsy said:


> Originally Posted by phtlump
> ...
> 
> Go to married man sex life | how to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which i mean doing it like rabbits. to get more information on how to be sexy.
> 
> Good luck.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ^ this
> 
> mmsl
Click to expand...

^ this twice.

Buy the book. 

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

You can get the ebook and read it today. In fact, I recommend you do just that, because you are in dire need of the advice in this book. (Amazon has a kindle e-reader for you PC, so you don't need to own a kindle to read their kindle books).

Amazon.com: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 eBook: Athol Kay: Kindle Store

*THIS* is the advice you were looking for when you started this thread. Take it--NOW!


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## unbelievable

I agree you can't "nice" a woman into being attracted to you. That's not the point. I don't feed my kids because I expect a reward. It's my job. I take care of my wife because that's what I promised to do. I'm a husband every day, not just on the days my wife is pleasant. If anyone examines their marriage in terms of how well their own expectations are being met, everybody's destined for divorce because sooner or later, we all suffer disappointment. When your partner isn't feeling it, that's not the time to pull back and prove their fears correct. It's time to get tough, carry more than your share, and weather the storm. Her "feelings" will come and go. She's a woman and she happens to be under a great deal of stress. Letting her decide when this thing is over is like letting an insane person dictate your life. She's not even capable of making a rational, intelligent life-altering choice at this point.


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## PHTlump

unbelievable said:


> I take care of my wife because that's what I promised to do. I'm a husband every day, not just on the days my wife is pleasant.


Yes, but a marriage is still supposed to be a mutually beneficial arrangement. If you're posing a hypothetical about a wife having a bad day, then I absolutely agree that you just grin and bear it. Pick up the slack, and she'll do the same when you're having a bad day.

But the OP's marriage isn't like that. His wife is using him as support until she can leave him. And agreeing to let your wife use you like that isn't in the vows.



> If anyone examines their marriage in terms of how well their own expectations are being met, everybody's destined for divorce because sooner or later, we all suffer disappointment.


Again, if you're talking short term, then I agree. If you're talking long-term, I disagree. If you mean that most marriages are long-term disappointments, then you're saying that most marriages are win/lose arrangements. So you should just hope you're lucky enough to be the winner in your marriage, rather than the loser.

I think marriage should be mutually beneficial.



> When your partner isn't feeling it, that's not the time to pull back and prove their fears correct. It's time to get tough, carry more than your share, and weather the storm. Her "feelings" will come and go. She's a woman and she happens to be under a great deal of stress. Letting her decide when this thing is over is like letting an insane person dictate your life. She's not even capable of making a rational, intelligent life-altering choice at this point.


Again, I agree if this were a short-term issue. If his wife had PMS and yelled at him I wouldn't suggest pulling away from her. But this has gone on for YEARS. Marriage is not a suicide pact.


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## Catherine602

Umm is she the only one with stress? You live in the same house, share a child, have to pay bills, no? 

Have you had a chance to express how badly the loss of the job and house has hit your self esteam as a man and provider? Have you looked to her for support and validation? Don't do it. Lean on a friend or IC not her. She does not set your worth you do. I think you should be proud of getting the family through his crisis intact and supporting your wife in her career choice. 

If so this may be the main problem. What do you think. This is unfair but she may have lost faith in your ability to care for the family because of the financial problems. She may now feel responsible for the financial success of the family and that is why she is stressing. 

It all of this rings true, what do you do? Concentrate on getting your mojo back as a man. The financial downturn kicked our azzes not just you. It is no reflection on you. Easy for me to say but that's how you need to look at it and then forget the past and look forward. Plan and execute. 

All you need is a plan for to get on firmer financial ground. A career with a future fur advancement. Go after your dream with confidence. 

Your wife. It is possible that the marriage will not survive. Do all you can to get back on track but also prepared mentally to D. I think there is a possibility that she has a man in sight that she thinks has a better financial future than you. It does not hurt to investigate carefully. 

Be the best man you can be, you will need that married or D. Look good and get out of the house. Pretend that you are dating and update the wardrobe and hairstyle. 

Oh and it's not sex, please don't handle this like a problem with sex. It is much bigger. Solve the big problem and the sex should follow if it doesn't then the marriage is over in her mind no matter what she says. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malcolm38

How splendid it is for her to tell you to leave because she has an issue. 

If she needs time to get in touch with her inner child she can get an apartment.


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## Catherine602

Expecting you to leave is just so wrong. Why should leave your home? Tell her you will not leave, if she needs time to think your presence should not stop her. 

The fact that you even entertain leaving is telling. What have you done that you should lose the comfort of your own home? Let her go to meditate if that her idea its not yours. Besides, She sounds like a strong modern educated woman. I don't think she will get a fit of the vapors if her husband witnesses her contemplating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter

Greathusband said:


> @ tryingtobebetter - Thanks, you gave some solid advice. I know I can go either way (180 or nice guy)
> 
> I'm praying on this and trying to understand what to do. But, besides being supportive and being myself, is there anything I really can do? It's ultimately HER decision to work at the marriage or to step away. Any thoughts?
> 
> Also, I will ask her to take the 5 love languages test online. I think that would be revealing to me as to what she really needs.
> 
> Thanks so much!


You are absolutely right that you cannot make her decision for her. I think you have had a lot of useful exposure on this website to ideas which may be helpful. It is a great site for that.

It is interesting that she says she does not know how to work at her marriage and that she comes from an unhappy home. If you came from a happier home you can say to her that you do know how to as a result of observing your parents. A key ingredient is perseverence.

If I were you, I think I would:

Make it clear you want your marriage to succeed. Saying this once very clearly should be enough. 

Do not be needy - if you have to, you can live without her 

Support her as before but be 'manly' about it

Read up for different ideas how to address the problem to work out which ones will work best for you

Take pride in what you have achieved. It is not your fault that the bankers wrecked the economy. There have been many innocent victims. 

Good luck


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## Greathusband

@ Unbelievable - Thanks. You hit the nail on the head. We are on the same page. I agree with almost everything you said in the last post. ESPECIALLY when you said this - 

"When your partner isn't feeling it, that's not the time to pull back and prove their fears correct. It's time to get tough, carry more than your share, and weather the storm. Her "feelings" will come and go. She's a woman and she happens to be under a great deal of stress. Letting her decide when this thing is over is like letting an insane person dictate your life. She's not even capable of making a rational, intelligent life-altering choice at this point."

So, true. But this has been 4 years, not 4 months. The truth is, I HAVE carried more than my share, I HAVE been there for her and supported her. I've sacrificed intimacy and picked up the slack around the house and in other ways. I hope and pray that after her classes are complete and her plate is clean, that we CAN talk and she can make a Rational, intelligent decision. We've been together for 10 years....I wonder if she can imagine her life w/o me as a husband? My question to you(and I appreciate your opinion) - How long do I carry this cross without affection, effort, attention, etc. from her? I've sacrificed a lot, and I need a wife...not just a friend. It's been over 4 years, not 4 months. "Rebuilding" intimacy, touch, financial security, etc. will take some time....how much time do I give this? I love her and need Love FROM her immediately. Thanks my friend. GH


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## Greathusband

@ Catherine602 - Thank you! You gave great insight. Would love your thoughts on more...

This is true what you said here - 
"This is unfair but she may have lost faith in your ability to care for the family because of the financial problems. She may now feel responsible for the financial success of the family and that is why she is stressing."

She may be stressing...I can try to show her that I am working hard and providing for the family, but she has to think that and understand that herself. But, yes, I need to get my fin. mojo back as a man. Great point. I make a decent salary but could make more. 

"Plan and execute." 

Exactly. But, I can't make her feel comfortable or feel secure or I can't MAKE her love me and show affection to me. She has to WANT to do this herself. Right? This is where I am struggling. I'm trying to do things and she isn't seeing it. 

"All you need is a plan for to get on firmer financial ground. A career with a future fur advancement. Go after your dream with confidence." 

Amen - This is it. I need to lay my plan out to her. Most importantly, she has to BUY in and trust in me. 

"Be the best man you can be, you will need that married or D. Look good and get out of the house. Pretend that you are dating and update the wardrobe and hairstyle."

Thanks. Again, Great advice. I do OKAY on the wardrobe but need to get rid of some old threads. Usually a golf shirt and shorts...but I like your point. I'm starting to work out again, running and lifting. I'm at 215, trying to get to 200 lbs.

"Oh and it's not sex, please don't handle this like a problem with sex. It is much bigger."

We haven't been intimate for a LONG time. So, there is no sex now anyway. There hasn't been much for the last 4 years.(when my son was born) Needless to say, this has been close to impossible for me but I've remained faithful.

That's why I think it's a bigger issue than financial, or my job or losing a house. I think she needs counseling and/or medication as she has had this emotional/physical block up for 4 years. Thoughts? Thanks so much! GH


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## Greathusband

@PHTlump...I'd appreciate your thoughts on this also. Thanks a million!



Greathusband said:


> @ Catherine602 - Thank you! You gave great insight. Would love your thoughts on more...
> 
> This is true what you said here -
> "This is unfair but she may have lost faith in your ability to care for the family because of the financial problems. She may now feel responsible for the financial success of the family and that is why she is stressing."
> 
> She may be stressing...I can try to show her that I am working hard and providing for the family, but she has to think that and understand that herself. But, yes, I need to get my fin. mojo back as a man. Great point. I make a decent salary but could make more.
> 
> "Plan and execute."
> 
> Exactly. But, I can't make her feel comfortable or feel secure or I can't MAKE her love me and show affection to me. She has to WANT to do this herself. Right? This is where I am struggling. I'm trying to do things and she isn't seeing it.
> 
> "All you need is a plan for to get on firmer financial ground. A career with a future fur advancement. Go after your dream with confidence."
> 
> Amen - This is it. I need to lay my plan out to her. Most importantly, she has to BUY in and trust in me.
> 
> "Be the best man you can be, you will need that married or D. Look good and get out of the house. Pretend that you are dating and update the wardrobe and hairstyle."
> 
> Thanks. Again, Great advice. I do OKAY on the wardrobe but need to get rid of some old threads. Usually a golf shirt and shorts...but I like your point. I'm starting to work out again, running and lifting. I'm at 215, trying to get to 200 lbs.
> 
> "Oh and it's not sex, please don't handle this like a problem with sex. It is much bigger."
> 
> We haven't been intimate for a LONG time. So, there is no sex now anyway. There hasn't been much for the last 4 years.(when my son was born) Needless to say, this has been close to impossible for me but I've remained faithful.
> 
> That's why I think it's a bigger issue than financial, or my job or losing a house. I think she needs counseling and/or medication as she has had this emotional/physical block up for 4 years. Thoughts? Thanks so much! GH


----------



## TRy

*Re: Husband in the "friend zone" ...Need advice*



Greathusband said:


> There is no OM. She comes home straight after work and is too overwhelmed with school work to go out at night or on the weekends.


 If you read threads in the infidelity section, almost 100% of those with cheating spouses have made such a statement when they first lost intimacy with their spouses. They were all proven wrong. The vast majority of the time, the affair partner usually ends up being someone that they knew from school or work. Not saying that she is cheating, but I am saying that it is a very real possibility. 

If she is cheating, odds are that you would not know or even suspect. 80% of all affairs go completely undetected by the spouse. Even if the affair leads to divorce, the spouse never finds out.


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## PHTlump

Greathusband said:


> She may be stressing...I can try to show her that I am working hard and providing for the family, but she has to think that and understand that herself. But, yes, I need to get my fin. mojo back as a man. Great point. I make a decent salary but could make more.


Don't get hung up on the specifics. Yes, she will have to perceive your effort and equate that to being a better provider. But, some of that is unconscious. If she just sees that you're busier, taking a class, getting some training, or picking up side jobs/overtime, she will make the connection of more money coming from you. Don't think result first. Think process first.



> But, I can't make her feel comfortable or feel secure or I can't MAKE her love me and show affection to me. She has to WANT to do this herself. Right? This is where I am struggling. I'm trying to do things and she isn't seeing it.


No, you can't make her do anything. But this isn't about making her do something. This is about offering her something. This is about you being an attractive option.

Right now, she doesn't see you as attractive. She is either fantasizing about a particular man, or just a generic man. She thinks she can do better. So you need to offer her the option of doing better with you.

Honestly, at this point, action is the key for you. Just start doing things. They need to be productive. But, they don't have to be earth shattering. You don't need to reverse the decline of the last 4 years in the next month. You can't do it. You can't turn a battleship on a dime. You just need to get it started in the right direction. So just get something started. Make sure she knows about it. Then, add something else. She will notice. She may not buy in to the new you. But, she will notice. And that's all you can do.

And don't be desperate.

Good luck.


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## Catherine602

PHT beat me to it. I agree whole heartedly. Don't go to her for approval about your plans. Carry out your well thought out plans and inform her that you are going to take a class or what ever and arrange the logistics in terms of time. 

She will not be impressed if you tell her about your plans and look for her approval. She may feel that you have not thought it out and she is responsible to guide you. 

It may be difficult for you to have faith that your plans will work out. The job loss and foreclosure can sap anyone's confidence. Sucess will make you confident again. 

As far as making more money, do it because it makes you feel good as a provider and satisfies your competitive nature. I wouldn't do it to impress your wife. 

Again she may feel that she needs to worry about your sucess. Advance and then invite her to celebrate if indeed your relationship works out. 

Do you think that you can change to the degree that you are the man you were when you first met your wife? The key is not to go to her for approval. 

In fact, i think you would do better to expect little from her. You won't be disappointed when she does not react the way you expect. 

The weight loss and exercise is great.


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## Mavash.

The sad truth is you can't nice her into loving you. This life she's in she chose. She must own her unhappiness and if she's overwhelmed that's on her to downsize or ask for help. She takes you for granted and she has lost respect for you.

The best thing you can do is the opposite of what you are doing now. What you are doing is pushing her further away. When she says she needs space agree with her and ask her when is SHE moving out? Do NOT leave your home. Stop doing her laundry, stop with all the nice stuff is she meeting your needs? No then stop meeting hers. She has said she's not attracted to you so let her go. Get a life, a hobby, some friends, join the gym, get a better job, something, focus on you because she's done and has been for years. She just hasn't made it official yet.


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## Mavash.

One more thing if you want out of the friend zone stop being A friend. Don't be that guy. You know the one. He's the guy being super duper nice to the hot girl thinking it will get her to sleep with him, it won't. 

Read married mans sex life like yesterday.


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## unbelievable

How long do you suck it up? If her being "overwhelmed" is related to her working and going to school, I'd bear it at least until I could figure out where her head and heart were without the contaminating influence of exhaustion and stress. The only way to do that is to tough it out until after she graduates. A whole lot has happened with you two in a short period of time. You've lost a job, a house, apparently got another job, she started a demanded college course. It's amazing she's not a blithering idiot. You might as well say her condition right now is almost as debilitating as a mental illness. If her behavior was due to an actual diagnosed illness, would you leave? During your wedding, you probably mumbled something about sickness and in health, better or worse, richer, poorer, etc.


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## Mavash.

Unbelievable he said the problems started long before he lost his job and chaos descended on to their lives.


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## Blue Firefly

*Re: Husband in the "friend zone" ...Need advice*



Greathusband said:


> She has been overwhelmed with work, taking classes, lack of sleep, managing life, etc. for the last 3 years.


If she's overwhelmed, then it's time to simplify her life and drop some things.

Despite the popular "you can have it all" drumbeat, you really can't have it all. At some point you have to set priorities and decide what is important in life, and what you are going to have to drop.

Sleep, btw, is not one of the things you can do without. She should set aside 9 hours every night for sleep (yes 9). 

She may need to choose between working and taking classes. If she chooses classes, that might mean you have to downgrade your lifestyle--smaller home, not extras like cable TV, and shopping at Goodwill instead of the mall. 

Or, she might decide that getting ahead in her career isn't worth the sacrifice it would take now.

Overwhelmed is another word for "doing too much."

Right now, it sounds like she is sacrificing her family so she can "have it all."


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## jims1020

You have to respect yourself more. Once you show her that you don't need her, she will come to her senses, and if she doesn't? Then you know there is nothing there and you move on. You have done everything right, now the ball is in her court. Don't chase her and she will start chasing you. Good luck!


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## COguy

unbelievable said:


> How long do you suck it up? If her being "overwhelmed" is related to her working and going to school, I'd bear it at least until I could figure out where her head and heart were without the contaminating influence of exhaustion and stress. The only way to do that is to tough it out until after she graduates. A whole lot has happened with you two in a short period of time. You've lost a job, a house, apparently got another job, she started a demanded college course. It's amazing she's not a blithering idiot. You might as well say her condition right now is almost as debilitating as a mental illness. If her behavior was due to an actual diagnosed illness, would you leave? During your wedding, you probably mumbled something about sickness and in health, better or worse, richer, poorer, etc.


Follow this advice if you want to be in the "friend zone" for the rest of your life.

You're a doormat, the only cure is to get a life. When you have a life you'll stop looking for your wife's approval to be happy and fulfilled. You'll also recognize that she's being incredibly selfish and manipulative. You'll also probably realize that she's cheating on you, since your story is so common I could have written your post myself.

You're still trying to please your wife, that's not how healthy relationships work.

cycle of codependent relationship:

1. You want to feel loved
2. You do things to "earn" love
3. Spouse disappoints, you feel rejected and betrayed
4. You fight harder to earn more love.
5. Repeat 3 and 4 until her vagina is filled with a penis that isn't yours.

Cycle of healthy relationship:

1. You love yourself
2. Your spouse loves herself
3. You do things because you enjoy it and they enjoy you for being yourself.
4. Mutual respect for the other person and self-respect for yourself


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## COguy

How do you "get a life?" You'll have to start by acting. Act like you are single and you don't give a F*ck about your wife. That doesn't mean bang girls, that means go out and have fun and live your life.

Go to the gym.
Shoot guns.
Go fishing.
Work on cars.
Hang out with guys.

Stuff that you enjoy doing just because.

Don't ask her permission, just do it. At first you'll be acting and you'll have to pretend to not care what she thinks. As you grow, you'll find yourself getting to a more healthy spot. This will probably take months. Eventually you'll realize your current relationship sucks and isn't worth saving. Probably around the same time you realize she's been cheating on you.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

As someone in a similar situation but evidently further ahead in the process let me give you a little advice....

Be yourself, anything she stated correct but don't try to go overboard.

The sooner you realize that there is nothing you can do about it the better.... What does help is time.

You will come to realize soon its not you. Its your wife and she is going through a change.... she may come back to you once shes done.

I hear you about being 'under appreciated' sometimes I get the desire to do something like clean the oven... well I spent all day cleaning it... I got it spotless, scraping off with a razor blade the grease spots on the window etc. It was a great job of cleaning. I did this because several weeks ago my wife mentioned the oven needed cleaned... I waited until I wanted to do it myself... not for her but because I was bored or just wanted to be productive. If she was impressed even better.

My wife noticed that under the door there was some of the scrapings, a near perfect oven went unnoticed.... but the bit of untidiness got noticed.

Secret... don't let it eat at you. I know I did a great job on it and I enjoy the clean oven. I cleaned it on my terms to my level of satisfaction. I should have noticed the scrapings below and had them cleaned up. Oh well... that's being human.

Life is not fair... never is. I am still waiting to resolve my sexless/intimacy-less mostly marriage.... I believe it will happen. Because it will. This is partly due to the fact that I have found an inner peace over it which allows me to return to 'normal' this in turn makes me more attractive.... it is no longer an over-riding pain its facing reality and dealing with it best you can.

So if I have some advice I believe to be sound... 

Apologize once if needed.
Make changes she states
Wait it out and don't let her actions affect you.
Take this opportunity to stand up for yourself.. let her know if she upsets you.
Very little talk... action.
Quiet confidence.

All this slowly starts a change in marital dynamics... that I believe will come full circle eventually.

Time is you ally ...and you must first and foremost believe in you.


----------



## jnj express

Your wife's stress is going away in april and may---and then she wants time by herself----WHY IS THAT?????

Is she not married????---if her stress is basically for the most part gone---she should be able to settle in and work on the mge---so why then would she need to be alone, she needs to work on the mge WITH YOU 

You need to be very wary, of her being in an A, even as we write back and forth---where she has been able to have the A---cuz she is legit. away from you at school/work---those both end---so now she is at home---so she really couldn't carry on her A---if she is home could she---so her out, to carry on the A---she wants to be by herself

This may be on point---or it may be full of holes---but it needs to be looked at quietly by you---and evidence as to what she is really all about, as to wanting to be by herself, needs to be gathered

If she really wants to be on her own, then I think, you need to tell her, that a D., needs to go on the table---for if she wants to make the mge work---SHE DOES IT WITH YOU---THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER WORK ON THE MGE----if she doesn't want to work on the mge with you----this mge probably should come to an end

One other point---it could very well be, your sex life has gone down, cuz she is with another man---and you are just getting in the way, or extra baggage to her---but she will at times have sex with you, as she knows she does have to mollify you, and keep you in line

Just some random thots---good luck to you.


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## Thound

Greathusband said:


> @ Unbelievable - Thanks. You hit the nail on the head. We are on the same page. I agree with almost everything you said in the last post. ESPECIALLY when you said this -
> 
> "When your partner isn't feeling it, that's not the time to pull back and prove their fears correct. It's time to get tough, carry more than your share, and weather the storm. Her "feelings" will come and go. She's a woman and she happens to be under a great deal of stress. Letting her decide when this thing is over is like letting an insane person dictate your life. She's not even capable of making a rational, intelligent life-altering choice at this point."
> 
> So, true. But this has been 4 years, not 4 months. The truth is, I HAVE carried more than my share, I HAVE been there for her and supported her. I've sacrificed intimacy and picked up the slack around the house and in other ways. I hope and pray that after her classes are complete and her plate is clean, that we CAN talk and she can make a Rational, intelligent decision. We've been together for 10 years....I wonder if she can imagine her life w/o me as a husband? My question to you(and I appreciate your opinion) - How long do I carry this cross without affection, effort, attention, etc. from her? I've sacrificed a lot, and I need a wife...not just a friend. It's been over 4 years, not 4 months. "Rebuilding" intimacy, touch, financial security, etc. will take some time....how much time do I give this? I love her and need Love FROM her immediately. Thanks my friend. GH


4 years, I have been doing it for 10 years now. It is fixing to change one way or another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wife101

There isn't necessarily another man in her life. I'm going through a similar situation with my husband and I'm the one in your wife's position. I love my husband, but I feel stressed out and overwhelmed 24/7. We used to fight a lot about stupid stuff and it seemed like he was always mad about something or in a bad mood. We talked about it a few months ago. He's started holding his tongue more and not griping about everything. He's started helping out more around the house and with the kids, but I think we've lost so much of our relationship already that it's hard to get over it. The expression "Too little too late" comes to mind. I've already built up resentment from the years I didn't get enough help. Now, I feel like we are in the "Friend Zone" because intimacy has been unintentionally put on the back burner for so long. He's trying really hard, but it feels awkward when he's suddenly trying to hold my hand, kiss me, etc. I'm not used to that from him and it feels like we're just doing it because we talked about it and know that's what we are supposed to be doing it. It's like kissing my best friend because that's what we've been for a few years now. We live in the same house and raise kids. We're basically roommates. I love him, but I don't feel like we have a romantic relationship kind of love anymore. He's asked me if there is someone else. He thinks that just because he decided that he doesn't want our marriage to be that way anymore that we can just say "Poof!" Done. Intimacy is back. I can't just flip a switch and want to hug, kiss, have sex, etc. because I mentally know I should be. It's hard and I don't know what to do. There is no other man. There has been no affair, at least that I know of. It's not always about sex and affairs. Maybe she really is going through something. Getting done with classes may or may not help, since troubles started before then. I'm going to school, too, but graduating isn't going to change what our marriage has become. Women are mental creatures and it won't just go away.


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## 225985

@wife101

This story is years old and dead. Please start your own thread. There are MANY of us feeling the same way and we can help each other. 

I will give it a couple of days if you don't start a thread, I will. Glad you came here. :smile2:



wife101 said:


> The expression "Too little too late" comes to mind. I've already built up resentment from the years I didn't get enough help. Now, I feel like we are in the "Friend Zone" because intimacy has been unintentionally put on the back burner for so long. He's trying really hard, but it feels awkward when he's suddenly trying to hold my hand, kiss me, etc. I'm not used to that from him and it feels like we're just doing it because we talked about it and know that's what we are supposed to be doing it. I*t's like kissing my best friend because that's what we've been for a few years now. We live in the same house and raise kids. We're basically roommates. I love him, but I don't feel like we have a romantic relationship kind of love anymore.* He's asked me if there is someone else. He thinks that just because he decided that he doesn't want our marriage to be that way anymore that we can just say "Poof!" Done. Intimacy is back. I can't just flip a switch and want to hug, kiss, have sex, etc. because I mentally know I should be. It's hard and I don't know what to do. There is no other man. There has been no affair, at least that I know of. It's not always about sex and affairs.


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## wife101

Thanks! I was just doing a google search, trying to find info to help myself, and came upon it. I was in a hurry and didn't even pay attention to the date. Sorry!


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## 225985

@wife101



wife101 said:


> Thanks! I was just doing a google search, trying to find info to help myself, and came upon it. I was in a hurry and didn't even pay attention to the date. Sorry!


As I always tell newcomers, I am sorry you have to come here but I am glad you are here.

Google did you good. This site is AWESOME. The kind and wise folks here give some great advice. 

If you are ready to post your story, please do and we will help. It took me three months here, and 1000 posts on other threads, for me to finally tell my story and ask for help. I should have done it 3 months ago.


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## AVR1962

Before you go jumping to conclusions about another man you really need to take a look at what you said in your original post and hear what you are saying.......she is working and taking classes, has a 4 1/2 year old at home and you are unemployed. YIKES!!!!!! She has got to be exhausted and you are worried about intimacy?????? You need to get a job and try to be more understanding as what she is dealing with. Not only is she now the sole provider but she more than likely is sharing responsibility for caring for the home, the child and more than likely caring for you too and you just want sex? Really??? 

Have you thought about helping her out and caring for her without expectations for you sex life to be dazzling? Maybe she needs you to hear her talk about her day, maybe she would greatly appreciate a home cooked meal ready when she got home instead of having to cook it or getting pizza you ran out for, maybe she would appreciate it if you hugged her and told her you love her and appreciate the hard work she does for you and your son, maybe she could benefit from you buying her a gift card to a salon to get a pedicure or a massage.

My first husband was unemployed and it was me supporting the family, we had 2 small children. I would come home and nothing would be done, it was exhausting. I did get upset, I needed for him to help out in some way but he just wanted to sit. His brain too was all caught up in sex....unfortunately I would later find out that he was seeking other women so in his free time that he was telling me he was looking for work he was actually looking for hook-ups. I was trying to make the rent, put groceries on the table, pay the car pmt, keep up with the house and kids, cook the meals all because my husband wasn't willing to help out and his thoughts were about getting his needs for intimacy met??????? 

Rethink it dude!!!!!!!!


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## jorgegene

sometimes there isn't another man (or woman), but they are looking around seeing people that are 
attractive or interesting, maybe fantasizing about 'greener pastures', or
'maybe i could have done better', 'i wonder if _______would have me'.

this can be especially true in work, or school situations.

this is impossible to track down and prove, because there is no affair yet.
only the germination of an affair.


----------



## jorgegene

AVR1962 said:


> Before you go jumping to conclusions about another man you really need to take a look at what you said in your original post and hear what you are saying.......she is working and taking classes, has a 4 1/2 year old at home and you are unemployed. YIKES!!!!!! She has got to be exhausted and you are worried about intimacy?????? You need to get a job and try to be more understanding as what she is dealing with. Not only is she now the sole provider but she more than likely is sharing responsibility for caring for the home, the child and more than likely caring for you too and you just want sex? Really???
> 
> Have you thought about helping her out and caring for her without expectations for you sex life to be dazzling? Maybe she needs you to hear her talk about her day, maybe she would greatly appreciate a home cooked meal ready when she got home instead of having to cook it or getting pizza you ran out for, maybe she would appreciate it if you hugged her and told her you love her and appreciate the hard work she does for you and your son, maybe she could benefit from you buying her a gift card to a salon to get a pedicure or a massage.
> 
> My first husband was unemployed and it was me supporting the family, we had 2 small children. I would come home and nothing would be done, it was exhausting. I did get upset, I needed for him to help out in some way but he just wanted to sit. His brain too was all caught up in sex....unfortunately I would later find out that he was seeking other women so in his free time that he was telling me he was looking for work he was actually looking for hook-ups. I was trying to make the rent, put groceries on the table, pay the car pmt, keep up with the house and kids, cook the meals all because my husband wasn't willing to help out and his thoughts were about getting his needs for intimacy met???????
> 
> Rethink it dude!!!!!!!!


i think OP was employed when he wrote this. he lost his job in 2011 and was unemployed for a year, so I assume he's re-employed.

this is an old post, but I wonder how this couple turned out.


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