# Is it possible to predict an affair in certain cases



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I reckon it is possible to predict your spouse having an affair in certain cases long before an affair actually happens. 

Examples
If your spouse feels unloved at home you can predict that he/she will engage in an affair sooner or later. 

If your spouse keeps telling you he/she needs sex and you do not feel you want to provide it but you do not look ill or unable, even if love is there between you, your spouse will stray sooner or later

If you you have no emotional connection with your spouse, he/she will seek to connect with someone else sooner or later.
_______________________________________________

If I am correct, does that mean there are affairs which could have been avoided by the cheated spouse? If yes, does it mean the cheated spouse actively helps to create conditions for being cheated on? (ONLY in some situations)


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

There are plenty of examples here of some people tolerating sexless marriages for decades without cheating. So that is hardly a predictor.

It comes down to having the capability and intent, plus some opportunity. One requires both of those things in order to cheat, or to achieve pretty much anything else as well.

If someone doesn't have the intent, they aren't going to endeavour to seek or exploit an opportunity to exploit their capability.

On the other hand if someone has intent, they are likely to seek to gain the capability and to seek or create opportunity as well.

I am not worried about capability or opportunity in themselves. Intent on the other hand, is certainly something to watch out for.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Unfortunately, there are many examples of marriages full of love, affection, good sex quality and frequency, financially solid, emotionally fulfilling dream marriages and people still cheat because people suck.

If you are really in tune with your spouse, you can probably tell warning signs before an affair but you can probably also tell just about everything they will do in certain situations and daily routines.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I know I’ve predicted a couple of affairs that happened right in front of everybody at work. Starts with giggling and hushed tones with each other around their desks. Next thing you know, they are taking “breaks” together. Hmmm a married man and the cute young receptionist taking a “break” together. Because that doesn’t spell affair.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> I reckon it is possible to predict your spouse having an affair in certain cases long before an affair actually happens.
> 
> Examples
> If your spouse feels unloved at home you can predict that he/she will engage in an affair sooner or later.
> ...


What is it so special about you that would require a spouse that you have no romantic in or desire to not seek remedies elsewhere? Its like any contract. If one party feel under no obligation to fulfill the terms of the contract, why should the other party not be expected to receive compensatory damages. If you needed sleeping medication your spouse refused to provided, is it wrong for you to receive the needed medication from another source?


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## dpoohclock (Apr 30, 2019)

Yeah, there are factors that can up the percentages, but still you can't predict it with any single person. Some people can endure great issues and won't stray no matter how many offers, others seemingly jump from what appears to be amazingly awesome situations. 

I'm sure many of us here can come up with all sorts of examples either way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> I reckon it is possible to predict your spouse having an affair in certain cases long before an affair actually happens.
> 
> Examples
> If your spouse feels unloved at home you can predict that he/she will engage in an affair sooner or later.
> ...


I don't agree fully with you. There are many who would not cheat no matter what. People who have integrity and good character. 
My husband faced those things in his first marriage for 23 years. He never cheated. 
I also know people who cheated who had good spouses also.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think you can see the warning signs but it's hard to know peoples character, most don't even know themselves. I think there are very clear warning signs lots of times though. If you read enough on here it becomes quite obvious. Also certain dynamics that spouses set up seem to bread entitlement or resentment, both will often cause people of poor character to have affairs. It doesn't help that society justifies this in a lot of cases. 

Entitlement is the one that you don't list as a sign. When you hear WS talk about their affairs even the ones who are trying hard to be contrite it's quite clear that they think of their spouse like a couch or a car. They have totally lost the idea that this is another human being who has put their life in their hands. They get this with their kids (at least when they are young) but they don't get this with their partners. Maybe they have become so used to them that they don't even see them as a different person. Sometimes I think though they always thought this way and feel this way about everyone eventually even their kids. 

That being said there are people who will cheat and those who won't.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Unfortunately, there are many examples of marriages full of love, affection, good sex quality and frequency, financially solid, emotionally fulfilling dream marriages and people still cheat because people suck.
> 
> If you are really in tune with your spouse, you can probably tell warning signs before an affair but you can probably also tell just about everything they will do in certain situations and daily routines.


That is very true. When I was with the marriage counselling agency I heard many a spouse saying 'He/she had everything i could give. i do not understand where I went wrong.'

Yes, a lot of people still cheat when their spouse does everything possible to do or give. But i am asking if it is possible to predict in SOME cases where the spouse is telling you what they want/need but you are either unable to provide it through whatever means or simply do not want to for some reason.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> What is it so special about you that would require a spouse that you have no romantic in or desire to not seek remedies elsewhere? Its like any contract. If one party feel under no obligation to fulfill the terms of the contract, why should the other party not be expected to receive compensatory damages. If you needed sleeping medication your spouse refused to provided, is it wrong for you to receive the needed medication from another source?


That is my thesis. I am saying if you know what your spouse needs and you cannot or will not provide it, Depending how much you know your spouse to want what he/she wants, you can predict whether or not they will get it from someone else. Would it be naive to NOT expect that?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I don't agree fully with you. There are many who would not cheat no matter what. People who have integrity and good character.
> My husband faced those things in his first marriage for 23 years. He never cheated.
> I also know people who cheated who had good spouses also.


I agree with you also. It is why i said SOME.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MaiChi said:


> That is very true. When I was with the marriage counselling agency I heard many a spouse saying 'He/she had everything i could give. i do not understand where I went wrong.'
> 
> Yes, a lot of people still cheat when their spouse does everything possible to do or give. But i am asking if it is possible to predict in SOME cases where the spouse is telling you what they want/need but you are either unable to provide it through whatever means or simply do not want to for some reason.


Yes. Within those guidelines, I do believe you can predict or prevent a pending disaster.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

dpoohclock said:


> Yeah, there are factors that can up the percentages, but still you can't predict it with any single person. Some people can endure great issues and won't stray no matter how many offers, others seemingly jump from what appears to be amazingly awesome situations.
> 
> I'm sure many of us here can come up with all sorts of examples either way.


My own sister in law endured a lot from my brother till she died. We all told her to leave her husband but she would not. She never ever strayed but she never had anything good from her relationship. 

There are people who are 100% faithful no matter what. I could claim to be faithful but the honest truth is that i have not been tested. I do not know what would break me. i know what I would like and i really do not want to be tested.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> My own sister in law endured a lot from my brother till she died. We all told her to leave her husband but she would not. She never ever strayed but she never had anything good from her relationship.
> 
> There are people who are 100% faithful no matter what. I could claim to be faithful but the honest truth is that i have not been tested. I do not know what would break me. i know what I would like and i really do not want to be tested.


The thing with your sister in law was that you brother knew he could do whatever he wanted and she would still be there, that breeds entitlement. Unconditional love should only exist between parent and child. It's interesting in that when it does exist between mates the one who has it often acts up like a child. I believe how you treat people in your life shapes the dynamic, in the sense that you tell people how to treat you. When you act as a parent to your spouse, protect them from consequences, let them know no matter what they do you will be there, your spouse is going to act like a child. Usually a spoiled child. 

The thing about being broken is no one is saying you have to stay married, I know I for one would rather my wife divorce me then cheat on me. But even still about 75% of the cheating stories you read here and on other blogs, there was no breaking point, the worst you can say about the cheating spouse before it happened is that they were bored.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I have an example of this.

I had a younger friend that was inexperienced with women when he married.(He was a virgin from a strict religious family that taught their children nothing about men and women).

He married a very beautiful and sexy woman with a party history.

A few months into their marriage we went over for dinner and I saw probably half a dozen warning signs about their marriage and it was all things he was doing wrong that could easily be corrected.
I took him aside and told him his marriage was in serious trouble and he needed to talk with me soon when we could converse alone.
He just gave me a real *******'s smile and said sure....

He never got a hold of me and a few more months passed when I got a call from mutual friends. She had cheated on him and left him for her lover.

Surprise surprise! He called and wanted to talk then.

Long story short was, he worked all the time, came home to eat and have sex, which he truly sucked at, and felt he was being a good husband.

He didn't talk with her, have any activities with her, didn't date her after marriage, he just wanted to pay bills, have dinner made for him and get his rocks off regardless of if his wife did or not. She never did, get her rocks off that is.

Through much intervention and counseling, they made it and reconciled.

I gave him some big brother type sex education and romance tips.

A little while later and his wife went from never caring if she had sex again to telling my wife, her friend, that she never knew sex and marriage could be like this and with wide eyes and giggles, talked about her first orgasms with her husband.

She fully owned her actions and endured quite a bit during her reconciliation but he had a hell of a lot of work to do as well.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I don't agree fully with you. There are many who would not cheat no matter what. People who have integrity and good character.
> My husband faced those things in his first marriage for 23 years. He never cheated.
> I also know people who cheated who had good spouses also.


I think as long as a person has choices, it's always a decision. I'm not sure what would constitute no choices, but it would likely bother me to consider it.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> I know I’ve predicted a couple of affairs that happened right in front of everybody at work. Starts with giggling and hushed tones with each other around their desks. Next thing you know, they are taking “breaks” together. Hmmm a married man and the cute young receptionist taking a “break” together. Because that doesn’t spell affair.


TS seems to be asking if there are situations in which anyone would have an affair, and I agree w/ people who are saying "No, some people never would".

You seem to be saying you predicted when people you knew to be sleazebags would have an affair, which doesn't exactly answer his question. 

I'm not 100% confident I interpreted either of your posts right, so if I'm wrong let me know.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

I wouldn't say it is as much possible to predict an affair as it is to sense it is close to happening. 

Don't ask how it is done. It's just possible.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I have an example of this.
> 
> I had a younger friend that was inexperienced with women when he married.(He was a virgin from a strict religious family that taught their children nothing about men and women).
> 
> ...


People who are serious about understand the idea of marriage and how it may last 50 years plus with one person, including faithfulness and love, and above all tolerance, will appreciate that is possibly the biggest single choice one may make in life and correcting that decision after even one year has long term implications. 

It is therefore a good idea to listen to advice and also to draw up correct criteria for choice. Priests and pastors of churches, astrologers, counsellors, stable family elders, well meaning friends like yourself, parents, grand parents, etc, all offer advice, some of which is very useful. 

In my own case, we were advised to enter into marriage counselling only after accepting that the exercise may well show you that this is not the right person for you, in which case you would be advised not to marry. If you do not accept that possibility, then do not bother with counselling because you have already biased yourself.


We spent the best part of a year compiling our relationship manifesto where on each topic each of us wrote our views separately, then compared notes and agreed on a common view. If we could not agree that was recorded as a red flag and we had to discuss the matter further. We took time to agree on things like money and number of children and who is the head of the household and what that means in reality. 

We were also advised never to argue about a behaviour that we have never discussed and agreed on. There is no such thing as obviously wrong behaviour within the normal bounds of marriage. An expectation never communicated is not a basis for complaint. If you do not like it, bring it into a discussion, agree terms on it, enter it in your manifesto. Only then can you complain if it is breached. 

I can honestly say we have not fallen out since 2004. Not saying the path we followed was the ideal path but that there are system and facilities young people can use to help them decide, but some fools have kept repeating to young people that the only thing that matters is love, without specifying that love itself does not exist outside the individual's choice system. Do not choose to love the wrong or the unsuitable person. Your young friend could have had some advice from such as yourself before marriage rather than after. 

I find that such as Christian counsellors and others keep using fancy words like COMMITMENT, SUPPORT, LOVE, LIFELONG this or that, without breaking these down to a level where they are fully understood enough to base decision to marry on them. Catholic priest and some pastors have chapters on sex in the home and its basically telly the young girl she must allow her husband to have unlimited sex with her. There is nothing about her being allowed unlimited sex with him. 

When young people marry, they should have support system round them to see that things are going on well. churches, parents, experienced friends, etc.

Now there are people who meet up and within 6 months they have decided to marry when in reality they really do not know whom they are marrying. 4 years later, after a session in hell, they divorce and start arguing about the two children they have had. Why have children when you are not in a stable relationship? 

So finding yourself in certain situations, you can notice that the likelihood s your spouse will find emotional refuge somewhere else.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> I find that such as Christian counsellors and others keep using fancy words like COMMITMENT, SUPPORT, LOVE, LIFELONG this or that, without breaking these down to a level where they are fully understood enough to base decision to marry on them. Catholic priest and some pastors have chapters on sex in the home and its basically telly the young girl she must allow her husband to have unlimited sex with her. There is nothing about her being allowed unlimited sex with him.


That's interesting, I've been through Catholic premarital counselling twice. First with my ex-wife which lead to a Catholic wedding in a Catholic Church. Followed by my wife and I humouring my brother-in-law, by going to Catholic counselling prior to our marriage outside of the Catholic Church.

As best as I can recall at no point in the first instance during 1989 and the second instance during 1999, did the Catholic Priests mention sex at all.

My overall impression was that the Catholic counselling though probably well intentioned, was of limited merit delivered by people who had no clue what they were talking about.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Personally, I would not bother trying. I would water my grass at home. If that were ineffective, I would have the information I needed to make a decision about MY life.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Personal said:


> That's interesting, I've been through Catholic premarital counselling twice. First with my ex-wife which lead to a Catholic wedding in a Catholic Church. Followed by my wife and I humouring my brother-in-law, by going to Catholic counselling prior to our marriage outside of the Catholic Church.
> 
> As best as I can recall at no point in the first instance during 1989 and the second instance during 1999, did the Catholic Priests mention sex at all.
> 
> My overall impression was that the Catholic counselling though probably well intentioned, was of limited merit delivered by people who had no clue what they were talking about.


The majority of our Catholic counselling was done by lay people, including the sex segment. Despite not being Catholic, even my highly cynical husband found it helpful. We both did.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

That's also interesting ^^^, in my experience in two different diocese in Australia. It was done by the local Priest over a few sessions in the first instance. While the second instance, it was done by the local parish priest of my BIL and only in one session, because we were both significantly underwhelmed and didn't go back for more.

Plus with the second time round, we'd already been living together for a bit over 2 years already, both of us were/are atheists and we'd already been through a lot together.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> Personally, I would not bother trying. I would water my grass at home. If that were ineffective, I would have the information I needed to make a decision about MY life.


 You are right in choosing to water the grass in that if you are getting married and you don't know why or whom you are marrying, which is the majority of youngsters getting married, then you should really go and water the grass or refuse to pay a fair on the train. For anyone to go for marriage counselling they need to already have a good clue, is what i am saying. Like I said before some older people mislead youngsters by telling them marriage is all about love, thus causing them to go into it totally naive and unprepared. Its like saying Building is all about cement then you go to the shop and buy cement and try to build your house with nothing else but cement and you find it cost you a lot more than you imagined. Love is necessary but it is not what marriages are made of or based on. 

All the sex advice i have come across before my own marriage counsellor and after was biased and comprised only what the wife should do for her husband. There was very little about what the husband should do. My own was "Go and write your opinions about these points and others about sex in the home and we come and discuss the similarity or differences. We did exactly that. But the real detail was from my grandmother who is the very first person i heard about oral sex from. She was as c;ear as clear can be. She also answered questions. 

Wish all youngsters had grand mothers.

But yes some of the advice was as informative as what I would get from watering grass.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Depends on what you mean by "predict". There are some people who will cheat no matter what is going on at home, and others who will never cheat no matter what. I think though that there are a significant number of people who will cheat if they are unhappy at home but not otherwise.

If you are refusing your spouse sex, or being selfish in bed. If you don't show them appreciation or respect. If you make their time with you miserable, I think the odds of them cheating go way up. 






MaiChi said:


> I reckon it is possible to predict your spouse having an affair in certain cases long before an affair actually happens.
> 
> Examples
> If your spouse feels unloved at home you can predict that he/she will engage in an affair sooner or later.
> ...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I agree with the previous posters that there is no way to predict cheating with 100% accuracy, because some people will not cheat regardless of the provocation / deprivation.

On the other hand, there are certainly warning flags and red lights that indicate cheating is more likely. Spouses should be warned not to ignore the warning signs. Even if they are married to someone who would never cheat. I have remained faithful despite living through many warning signs. I am not sure my wife is better off for my having remained faithful.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Depends on what you mean by "predict". There are some people who will cheat no matter what is going on at home, and others who will never cheat no matter what. I think though that there are a significant number of people who will cheat if they are unhappy at home but not otherwise.
> 
> If you are refusing your spouse sex, or being selfish in bed. If you don't show them appreciation or respect. If you make their time with you miserable, I think the odds of them cheating go way up.


Now, to be able to predict, you need to be able to appreciate what you are doing or not doing to your spouse to distress him/her. Is it always the case or is it even common, that someone who 
1 Is refusing their spouse sex
2 Is being selfish in bed
3 Does not show them appreciation or respect
4 makes their time together miserable
etc

would appreciate that that is what is going on or does it require an outsider to point that out. If the offending spouse is not capable of noticing that he/she is offending, then he/she cannot predict either. That means the offended spouse married the wrong person, which in turn means the both are perceptively incompetent regarding relationships. 

A case in point is when a Christian man keeps claiming that he is the head of the home by some accident of being born male and his wife refuses to give him that title because she knows he would abuse it because he has no leadership qualities. Then the two of them make each other miserable. Neither could possibly understand what the matter is. 


Where the offending spouse is fully aware what he/she is doing to the other, she should be able to assume the spouse will have other options whether they use them or not. 

I think divorce is infinitely better than an affair


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I have an example of this.
> 
> I had a younger friend that was inexperienced with women when he married.(He was a virgin from a strict religious family that taught their children nothing about men and women).
> 
> ...


What a lucky guy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> What a lucky guy.


At first, I wanted to kill her. Now, she is one of my best friends.

She is a serious catch these days. She changed for the better and he did too.

She at least didn't try to be a cake eater. She left him and he won her back. They both were not ready for marriage but have done pretty good with some instruction.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> At first, I wanted to kill her. Now, she is one of my best friends.
> 
> She is a serious catch these days. She changed for the better and he did too.
> 
> She at least didn't try to be a cake eater. She left him and he won her back. They both were not ready for marriage but have done pretty good with some instruction.


She should hope he shows her more grace when her time to **** up comes. 

My wife is hot and she never cheated on me. THAT is a catch.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> People who are serious about understand the idea of marriage and how it may last 50 years plus with one person, including faithfulness and love, and above all tolerance, will appreciate that is possibly the biggest single choice one may make in life and correcting that decision after even one year has long term implications.
> 
> It is therefore a good idea to listen to advice and also to draw up correct criteria for choice. Priests and pastors of churches, astrologers, counsellors, stable family elders, well meaning friends like yourself, parents, grand parents, etc, all offer advice, some of which is very useful.
> 
> ...


Whether Christian, or not, if one figures out the wisdom, and full context of meaning Eph 5:22-32 they can be well on the way to a great marriage, and their is no more of a great mystery in that than there is in references to those eating their own arms. 

Most successful and happy marriages, whether Christian or not have the qualities expressed in those verses, and all to which alludes. Not learning, and implementing the full wisdom of those, is a fairly good predictor of an affair.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> She should hope he shows her more grace when her time to **** up comes.
> 
> My wife is hot and she never cheated on me. THAT is a catch.


Yup and you probably never treated her like ****, and a cum dumpster/live in maid.

She filed divorce papers. She wasn't a cake eater. She was fed up with ****ty treatment and she has put up with a lot of crap on his end as well.

I don't condone her behavior but she also didn't have much experience or knowledge to fall back on. We tend to use what we know.

When she learned different, she behaved differently. I am very tempted to start a thread about this subject because there are other posters that are unable to even grasp certain concepts about environments some of us lived through and that all we knew was chaos so how were we supposed to know anything else?

Once she learned a few different things about life, she became a far better mate than her husband.

So did you treat your wife like ****, **** her like a meat hole, never date or talk with her and expect all the chores to be done and dinner on the table when you got home?

I'm not even going to mention some of the other crap he pulled but suffice it to say, he didn't physically cheat but danced pretty close to that fire as well as emotionally abused her.

Understand that I still don't condone her actions but I wonder if your wife wouldn't have left you if you did the same to her that my young friend did to his wife?

She reacted in one of the only ways she knew. She knows differently now.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I have an example of this.
> 
> I had a younger friend that was inexperienced with women when he married.(He was a virgin from a strict religious family that taught their children nothing about men and women).
> 
> ...


This story is so common. It is why I stay mostly away from CI.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I believe the best predictor of in Fidelity vs no in Fidelity it's personal boundaries. You can be in a great marriage, and if you have crapping loose boundaries, you are very susceptible to an affair. You can be in a miserable marriage, and if you have strong, firm, in movable boundaries, you are probably not going to have an affair. All of these external factors like upbringing or dating history or whatever you would like to list really cannot predict sodality. Know… they can't. There are people who were promiscuous before marriage who are eminently faithful. There are conservative Christian people who were virgins when they married who become serial cheaters. Personal boundaries are the key in my opinion.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> That is my thesis. I am saying if you know what your spouse needs and you cannot or will not provide it, Depending how much you know your spouse to want what he/she wants, you can predict whether or not they will get it from someone else. Would it be naive to NOT expect that?


It would be naive not to know that tendrils anchoring two spouses together need nourishment or one by one weaken and die off one by one.

Then if too many have been weakened or are broken, then the first high wind that comes along my break those that remain lose, and a spouse may find it easier to wander.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

MaiChi said:


> I reckon it is possible to predict your spouse having an affair in certain cases long before an affair actually happens.
> 
> Examples
> If your spouse feels unloved at home you can predict that he/she will engage in an affair sooner or later.
> ...


Cheating seems to me to be a simple function of character and opportunity. People of good character recognize that we all are capable of cheating and take steps to avoid/minimize opportunity. Cheaters focus and rely on external factors (like your examples above) as justification for their unfaithfulness.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'd add motivation to character an opportunity. The probability depends on the level of all 3

If you have ever been in a marriage with an extremely limited sex life, you will know the feeling of, "if he/she doesn't want me, why shouldn't I find someone who does". That doesn't mean you act on that feeling, but its there. 




Satisfied Mind said:


> Cheating seems to me to be a simple function of character and opportunity. People of good character recognize that we all are capable of cheating and take steps to avoid/minimize opportunity. Cheaters focus and rely on external factors (like your examples above) as justification for their unfaithfulness.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

uhtred said:


> I'd add motivation to character an opportunity. The probability depends on the level of all 3
> 
> If you have ever been in a marriage with an extremely limited sex life, you will know the feeling of, "if he/she doesn't want me, why shouldn't I find someone who does". That doesn't mean you act on that feeling, but its there.


I thought about that as well, and I consider motivation a part of opportunity. In my mind, opportunity has two components: (1) what is available to you with your spouse; and (2) what is available to you from others. Both of those can act as motivators (or, at times, de-motivators). A person of character will do whatever he or she can to maximize (1) and minimize (2), but in any case, will not use either as justification for cheating.

I also don't think that motivation is independent from character. I've mentioned before that after the birth of our second child, my wife and I went through a rough patch in our sex life for a couple of years. I absolutely have known the feeling you describe, but never as more than a short-term, feeling-sorry-for-myself kind of feeling as I'm not the wallowing type. There were times when outside opportunities presented themselves during particularly dry periods, and recognizing the potential situations for what they were, I took every step to shut down those opportunities early and channeled that energy into efforts to change my situation at home.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You didn't find it more difficult to turn down outside opportunities when your sex life was near nonexistant, than whet was frequent and good?





Satisfied Mind said:


> I thought about that as well, and I consider motivation a part of opportunity. In my mind, opportunity has two components: (1) what is available to you with your spouse; and (2) what is available to you from others. Both of those can act as motivators (or, at times, de-motivators). A person of character will do whatever he or she can to maximize (1) and minimize (2), but in any case, will not use either as justification for cheating.
> 
> I also don't think that motivation is independent from character. I've mentioned before that after the birth of our second child, my wife and I went through a rough patch in our sex life for a couple of years. I absolutely have known the feeling you describe, but never as more than a short-term, feeling-sorry-for-myself kind of feeling as I'm not the wallowing type. There were times when outside opportunities presented themselves during particularly dry periods, and recognizing the potential situations for what they were, I took every step to shut down those opportunities early and channeled that energy into efforts to change my situation at home.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

uhtred said:


> You didn't find it more difficult to turn down outside opportunities when your sex life was near nonexistant, than whet was frequent and good?


No, it just wasn't on the table for me regardless of what my wife did or did not do. It probably helps that, even though I'm an extremely sexual person, I think I have a very high degree of mental control. Also, I shut unwanted attention down as soon as I'm aware of it. It's a lot harder to say no when you've been dancing increasingly closer to the flame.

I will admit that the attention did help me somewhat objectively confirm that the problem with our sex life wasn't with my attractiveness, which was both a nice ego boost and helped me work with my wife to identify the real issues.

Still, I'm not discounting the significance of motivation; like I said, I tend to factor that in with both character and opportunity.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

When a wife gets a real estate license, either she or her husband are having an affair. That's based on my observation of 57 years in the real estate business.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

dpoohclock said:


> Yeah, there are factors that can up the percentages, but still you can't predict it with any single person. Some people can endure great issues and won't stray no matter how many offers, others seemingly jump from what appears to be amazingly awesome situations.
> 
> I'm sure many of us here can come up with all sorts of examples either way.


While not a predictor of an affair, the Gottmans claim to be able to predict within a 94% basis if a couple will divorce within 5 years.

So, I would say that some aspects of marriage are predictable.

https://reallifecounseling.us/predict-divorce-gottman/

Some affairs in the making are more obvious than others, some troubled marriages are more obvious than others.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Leon,

You wrote, * When a wife gets a real estate license, either she or her husband are having an affair. That's based on my observation of 57 years in the real estate business. *

That made me laugh I'm not in the real estate business, but I have observed often that women who hate their current profession go into real estate as a mid-life crisis.

Mostly they seem like people who are not natural salespersons but want to wear nice clothing and run down their former jobs which they were actually good at. 

My guess is they sell to their relatives and then have to exit the profession when they don't make the piles of money they were expecting to.


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