# Husband has started divorce and I’m shattered



## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Hi 

I haven’t posted here for a while.

WH left suddenly last year. We have 2 teens. Blindsided me, rewrote our history. Blamed me and destroyed my self esteem (you are fat, boring, I nearly didn’t marry you etc..) I began to suspect OW, 6 months later he admitted he was now ‘dating’ her. She’s 15 years younger. He told me he wanted a divorce. I asked him to file.

10 years ago I lost both my parents in their early 60s both to cancer and with 2 years of one another. I had only just started to enjoy life again and having days of feeling content when WH dropped the bomb.

During the stay at home he spent a lot of time at our house. Bringing me groceries and flowers and we were getting on together amazingly. I did not ask him about the OW. After a while, I couldn’t cope with all this niceness as I felt it was giving me hope we’d reconcile. I asked him to stay away and took off my wedding rings.

In the last few days he has been with OW. He lied to me about this telling me that he was at work. He’s become unreliable with money again paying different amounts into our household account every month.

I have started to call him out on these things and asked him to arrange mediation and divorce. He is angry at me for saying I’ll obtain the advise of a lawyer but I am alone in this. He has his family to help him through it of course his new gf, I am on my own and need to get this right for me and our kids.

I feel completely out of my depth. He was my best friend for 20 years and we aren’t friends anymore.

I’ve had counselling and antidepressants and don’t see the point of any more that. I am now obsessed with self help books and trying to understand what is going on in his brain that he’s done this.

I still cry most days and can’t see life ever improving. I know I have to get off my knees and fight but I feel too sad and go to bed every night hoping I won’t wake in the morning. 

Please help. I don’t feel like I can take any more from life.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You’re making things too easy on him by letting him come around whenever he wants and also not contributing enough financially. See a lawyer and get everything on paper, visitation and finances especially.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I know you feel like it'll help, but digging into self-help to figure HIM out is going to be a waste of your time. 

Focus on self care for yourself. That is the healthiest track going forward. Understanding the why's on his end won't change a thing for you.

Focus on you. Help yourself.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Oh sweetheart....cyber hug. I am so sorry for your heartbreak. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to have mixed signals like that too!

You definitely should set up a consult with the best divorce lawyer in your area.

He is gone. He deserves nothinfrom you but the hard 180. You will mourn that loss.

Getting involved in other activities and even dating when you are ready will help take your mind off of it some.

Do you have girlfriends or anyone you can hang out with? How are your kids coping? 

I’m so very sorry you are here, but we would love to help you on your journey through this and on to much happier times. Some of my fellow TAMers that are more experienced folks will be along to help soon. Xo


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Call a Divorce Solicitor and set him on him.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you all 😄 I have spoken briefly with a solicitor this morning who explained the options and process. not sure it made me feel much better but taking control has. Im working in retraining my brain to focus on me me me!!!


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## Hannalore (Jun 16, 2020)

Delilah1971 said:


> Hi
> 
> I haven’t posted here for a while.
> 
> ...



Have you ever heard of the term "gaslight" that is exactly what he is doing to you. Go on Utube and look it up, after you realize what is happing, you can start to heal and stop this. I can spot it in a second because the same happened to me.


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