# This Site Has...



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

...aboutthe highest % of betrayed men posting that I have come across. On other sites, it is about 3 or 4 to one, at least, betrayed women vs men. Here , there are so many men.

I hate to say it, but I am glad this is the case,as it seems to be common that people consider men as the main offenders in the infidelity arena.
I just wonder why more betrayed men seem to gravitate to this site, vs others.
My guess is that this site seems more tolerant ofpeople advising divorce and people characterizing cheaters as evil/bad etc vs merely broken or confused.
I know that surviving infidelity site is very protective of cheaters and folks get banned a lot for recommending divorce or castigating cheaters, even i a respectful tone.
Do folks get bamed here for that?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

This site has given me the most support, advice and emperical evidence needed to help me through my darkest times.
The women are honest.
The men are honest.
They don't bash each other, and they help each other.
I have had fantastic support from both genders on here, and honest advice from people who have been there before me.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I was thinking about this topic this morning. A good 80% of the stories here tend to be about wife's cheaing on their husbands. 

It's good to have an outlet for everyone to talk about these issues that have impacted their lives. I wish I had this place when I was actively going through this, rather than only in the aftermath. It's still helped me tremendously. 

I will admit though, it's made me a little paranoid about the future. I think I'll always hesitate before giving (and perhaps never give) someone my 100% trust anyway, and the stories here confirm that though.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Yes, I agree. 

But, what do you think it isabout this site that draws so many betrayed men? Do we google things in a certain way that makes this pop up?
If you google infidelity forums, it is not near the top of the list.
And, it is dramatic, the % difference here vs almost any other site.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

What are some of the other sites you reference?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm sure it's just ebbs and flows of the board as the balance was much more even when I first joined, doubt that the lopsidedness existed all the time, amplexor would be more apt to tell you if this is just abnormality or the general trend

fwiw, I was on another board that was more dominately females coming to post and that board was more itchy on the "LEAVE HIM!" advice than it is here


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

HerToo said:


> What are some of the other sites you reference?


Survivinginfidelity and mrriagebuilders. And, one that I can no longer find, infidelity.com. Loveshack, too.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thanks!


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Yes, I agree.
> 
> But, what do you think it isabout this site that draws so many betrayed men? Do we google things in a certain way that makes this pop up?
> If you google infidelity forums, it is not near the top of the list.
> And, it is dramatic, the % difference here vs almost any other site.


Try googling "my wife not sexually attracted to me". That's how I first found TAM.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Numb-badger said:


> They don't bash each other,


Nonsense, I bash people regularly. But, I assure you its in a very loving way.

~Pit~: "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you!"

No0b: "huh?"

~Pit~: "Ur wife's a cheating floozie, and I've seem misquito's with bigger nuts than yours."

No0b: "Gasp"


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Yeah, they do allow more bashing here. But, it is usually done to some BS that is in denial. This site also seems more tolerant of making pejorative generalizations(which I , generally, agree with) about cheaters.

I have always hated thevinsistence on survivinginfidelity of calling people that cheat "wayward". What was Ted Bundy ,"misguided"?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Wayward sounds like a lost dog, dog's not really lost of you know its in the neighbors bed.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Arnold said:


> I know that surviving infidelity site is very protective of cheaters and folks get banned a lot for recommending divorce or castigating cheaters, even i a respectful tone.
> Do folks get bamed here for that?


As long as the posts are respectful people don't get banned for either stance. We've banned both Pro-D and Pro-R members simply because they didn't follow forum rules even after receiving a warning or temporary ban. What I do hate to see is when a cheater starts a thread looking for help in repairing their marriage or dealing with their guilt getting lambasted so hard the leave after a few posts and get nothing from the site but a cyber pillory. Some of our members who have made their way back from being the wayward to happily married, have given the forum great insight from a different perspective than those of us that have been betrayed. 

As far as the male/female mix goes, it seems to pendulum back and forth. The mix is not that wives cheat more, but a common theme I've always noticed in the forum is that "in general" women tend to come here looking for solutions to existing problems in their marriage. While men (dumb bastards like me) tend to come here shell shocked, posting that we just got the ILYBANILWY speech and wondering WTF? So the question to me is, are women more pro-active in addressing issues in the marriage and men more reactive? That certainly fit the bill for our situation a few years ago.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

okay since you mention members being pro-r or pro-d, which am I? (curious if other's view of me)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> are women more pro-active in addressing issues in the marriage and men more reactive?


I bet they are, although how to definitively figure that out I wouldn't know.

I've also noticed the preponderance of betrayed men here.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> okay since you mention members being pro-r or pro-d, which am I? (curious if other's view of me)


I hope im right and you subscribe to my religion...

Pro-Reality. 

I'd say Im fairly D & R agnostic.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Almostrecovered said:


> okay since you mention members being pro-r or pro-d, which am I? (curious if other's view of me)


Typically Pro-R in my opinion.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I hope im right and you subscribe to my religion...
> 
> Pro-Reality.
> 
> I'd say Im fairly D & R agnostic.


I like this. This is where I'm at right now in my life. 


By the way, I found this place by googling "My wife cheated on me". It's near the top. Maybe a reason guys cheated on hang out here?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Soccerfan73 said:


> By the way, I found this place by googling "My wife cheated on me". It's near the top.


It been awhile but I think I googled "this f*cking sucks, I think my wife is f*cking my friend. I need to talk to people that can help me get my head out of my a$$" 

I might be mistaken but I think that was the search string


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I hope im right and you subscribe to my religion...
> 
> Pro-Reality.
> 
> I'd say Im fairly D & R agnostic.



this is the way I view myself but I was curious if other viewed it that way


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

As a betrayed husband, maybe my eyes were opened to a new reality but I now see guys like me all around me, both on here and in real life, who were dumped by their crazy b!tch wife. (ok sorry that was maybe inappropriate but I'm leaving it on anyhow cause it makes me feel good to say it).

I ended up on this site cause I googled something about "wife cheated" and found some threads started by guys that sounded exactly like me. I found this place easy and related to the other male members soooo quickly.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I find this site to be, on the whole, more level headed (90% of the time) and certainly more mature than a place like, say Loveshack. I still check in there once in awhile, but various things became pretty intolerable over there.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> this is the way I view myself but I was curious if other viewed it that way


Pro R for sure...but you say it like it is. I think when people here the word divorce it automatically brings to mind that it is the END! Many..many times it takes the loyal spouse to make hard decisions...before the affair will even stop.

If they won't stop the affair...the loyal is left with little recourse.

I never would recommend divorce if I thought the cheater was honestly making a go at recovery....sadly in most cases, the new people that come here seeking advice still have a spouse that is actively cheating.

This makes it hard to help them through the recovery process because it simply does not exist without the affair ending 100%.

Sometimes a good smack of reality is all that we can give them. 

Some are harsher then others...but all in all I don't see much malice....the ones that post hate filled messages get shouted down pretty quick by the community.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> I find this site to be, on the whole, more level headed (90% of the time) and certainly more mature than a place like, say Loveshack. I still check in there once in awhile, but various things became pretty intolerable over there.


I found this site through LoveShack.

I can`t even stand to lurk there anymore as it`s like some kind of witch hunt going on all the time over some overly generalized situation that doesn`t even really exist.

It`s freaking scary over there.

I don`t really know why Betrayed men are drawn here in such great numbers but I have noticed the slant myself.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'll jump into the waters here as a cheater - wouldn't want to be picked up by animal control as a lost dog.... 

While a lot of the comments cheaters receive here are tough and hard nosed in my experience they are way more often than not well intentioned and generally good words for the cheater to hear. While I did not agree with everything I received when I first posted here, everything I received helped me. Even the parts that I didn't agree with helped to keep me thinking about what my wife was feeling and what I need to do/could do to help her. The really hard comments also helped to keep my head out of my ass and keep me focused by slapping me around a little. 

I to hate to see when a cheater shows up and either can't take it or can't get past defending themselves. I want to reach through my keyboard and shake them into reality... probably like so many BS want to do to their own cheating spouses.

Almost - I would say you're pro reconciliation but only if the cheater is remorseful, otherwise IMO you tend to advise people to focus on themselves and start to wrap their head around a life without their spouse (180). Much like I think your own experiences were. I certainly would not say you're pro D. If anything you're pro reality and try to help people accept theirs whatever it may be.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I'll jump into the waters here as a cheater - wouldn't want to be picked up by animal control as a lost dog....
> 
> While a lot of the comments cheaters receive here are tough and hard nosed in my experience they are way more often than not well intentioned and generally good words for the cheater to hear. While I did not agree with everything I received when I first posted here, everything I received helped me. Even the parts that I didn't agree with helped to keep me thinking about what my wife was feeling and what I need to do/could do to help her. The really hard comments also helped to keep my head out of my ass and keep me focused by slapping me around a little.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I like that phrase...pro reality. I am stealing it.


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## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

:iagree: I agree!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm pro R, because I'm in R myself. However, I'm a big believer in that the WS has to earn that precious gift of R after having betrayed their spouse. R is only possible under the right conditions, otherwise it's just rug sweeping.

I've been to the other sites like Survivinginfidelity, Chat Cheaters, Love Shack, Infidelity.com (now defunct for some odd reason), and I think that only SI has more betrayed wives posting then betrayed husbands.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

As an outsider, of sorts, one thing becomes glaringly obvious when joining this site: there needs to be more acceptance to discussing the hurt that infidelity causes in the general media and society. Realistically, I'll read about more victims in one week on this site than my entire life of 46 years. In a sense, people hide in shame when it happens. You see people struggle with self-identity for years, and incredible forgiveness. I think if some people understood the hurt it causes, maybe it could save at least some future posters from needing to find this site. For those of you that visit here regularly to help others who have just found out, or deal out tough love when needed, you are doing a really good thing for people who are suffering.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> I like that phrase...pro reality. I am stealing it.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Nonsense, I bash people regularly. But, I assure you its in a very loving way.
> 
> ~Pit~: "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you!"
> 
> ...


Pit, you totally crack me up :rofl:


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Sometimes a good smack of reality is all that we can give them.
> 
> Some are harsher then others...but all in all I don't see much malice....the ones that post hate filled messages get shouted down pretty quick by the community.


I'm a woman. This is the first and only site I found -- to me, the {even sometimes harsh} reality I find here is good. It's real.

But it could be that other sites are squishy-feely-er than this one. It could be that men tend to like reality more than women.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

tacoma said:


>


LOL, love it! Still making me chuckle. 

I found this site from a google search on d-day. I don't recall visiting any others, but I do love the "realist" attitude on these threads. Responses to posters usually seem to be thoughtful and reflective of each individual's situation. Even though I've noticed more betrayed men posting, it hasn't stopped me (betrayed female) from visiting the threads and posting. I'd actually say it was pretty 50/50 when I first joined, so I'm sure the tide turns.

I do agree with the theory that this site is very reality based. So if someone starts to post and doesn't like what they're hearing, odds are they will find a place that caters to their views. But other people, me included, would rather know if their glass is full of piss.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Ok, so a little bashing does go on, but its a much needed and mature bashing rather than kiddy squabble 'trying to offend for amusement' bashing.

And it is much needed.

Too many times have we seen a BS at the front of the stage wearing a blindfold withtheir partner in bed with AP at the back of the stage ruffling the bedsheets.

BS: Where is she/he?

TAM Audience: Behind yooooooooooou!

BS: Where?

TAM Audience: They're behind yoooooooou!

BS: Oh no she isn't.

TAM Audience: FFS, you bogeyed arse, LOOOK!

BS: (turns and removes blindfold) Oh. Oh ****.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Guys dig the pink background.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Guys dig the pink background.


Only because girls are pinkish. soft, pretty and well... girly


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Guys dig the pink background.


Be willing to bet that a fair percentage of guys are like me, and colorblind. Really, I'm not sure I would pause for more than a second on a pink site if I knew what the color looked like. I'd think it was the breast cancer site.

TAM - best light blue site out there!!!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

sigma1299 said:


> While a lot of the comments cheaters receive here are tough and hard nosed in my experience they are way more often than not well intentioned


While I agree the forum can be a very positive place for the WS, the posts I am referring to are not widely seen by the general forum. Many are pretty venomous and the source of immediate perma-bans. Glad you are getting some good strong straight talk.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Almost: I think you are pro reality as well. Most people on here are the same. I found this site by googleing "My wife doesnt love me anymore" and started in the sex in marriage forum, only to find out 5 months later that I would be here in coping with infidelity! Without this site I would be a complete mess, unable to function. As it is I am just kinda messy and can function some days. I dont see much slamming going on towards WS, most the slamming I see is to BS who refuses to accept reality.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

........brought me out of my head in the sand ....refusal to see....refusal to listen...way of life.

I am not only amazed at how wonderful all of you are, but how giving knowing what you all have gone through reading your stories, and you are caring enough to help some of the most lost, angry, hurt, ashamed people.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

madwoman said:


> ........brought me out of my head in the sand ....refusal to see....refusal to listen...way of life.
> 
> I am not only amazed at how wonderful all of you are, but how giving knowing what you all have gone through reading your stories, and you are caring enough to help some of the most lost, angry, hurt, ashamed people.



It's because we all wore those shoes at one time. 

We understand the enormity of hurt an affair brings to a person....and feel it in our guts. 

I feel its my duty to help prevent someone from making the same mistakes I did or help someone to see the reality of the situation they are in....

I just hope I help...period. I sure many of the people here feel the same way.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

This site has kept me sane in the last couple of weeks. People on here are honest, almost brutally so. Sometimes, it's what I needed to hear. what has amazed me is how accurately my WS has just fitted into an all too well understood template.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> what has amazed me is how accurately my WS has just fitted into an all too well understood template.


Yep. There's a pattern there isn't there?
And to think they believe they're doing something new.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

This site and the people whove gone thru it all at first amazed me that the stories were so similar, that the hurt was so epidemic. 
Being able to post here helped me and still is, from learning of my ex wifes affair, what an emotional attachment was, up to and thru the divorce, to now, where I have a house, have my daughter every other week for seven days at a time, and I am at a good place right now in life.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> okay since you mention members being pro-r or pro-d, which am I? (curious if other's view of me)


Anti-Limbo.

The advice I have seen has been directed at dealing with reality and moving on for the poster as quickly as possible. Getting out of the pain that is found in limbo, and making a decision to move on to heal, whether that is in R or D.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> While I agree the forum can be a very positive place for the WS, the posts I am referring to are not widely seen by the general forum. Many are pretty venomous and the source of immediate perma-bans. Glad you are getting some good strong straight talk.


I have to assume that a lot of the balance and tone here is due to the fine moderation, because these things don't happen by accident on an anonymous forum. However, I don't want to be seen as sucking up to the moderators, so hey Amp, scroo yoo!


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> Yep. There's a pattern there isn't there?
> And to think they believe they're doing something new.


I ran across an infidelity story on a non-relationship site, and so after I got done telling him the next three things that were going to happen to him I directed him here. Hopefully after those things all happen he'll see the light. He may have already.

Oh and I think the manosphere likes this site and directs people here regularly. I came here from Athol Kay's blog.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

ManDup said:


> I don't want to be seen as sucking up to the moderators, so hey Amp, scroo yoo!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm pro R, because I'm in R myself. However, I'm a big believer in that the WS has to earn that precious gift of R after having betrayed their spouse. R is only possible under the right conditions, otherwise it's just rug sweeping.
> 
> I've been to the other sites like Survivinginfidelity, Chat Cheaters, Love Shack, Infidelity.com (now defunct for some odd reason), and I think that only SI has more betrayed wives posting then betrayed husbands.


infidelity.com has a new url Infidelity, Cheating Spouse, Signs of Infidelity, Support


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Yeah, they do allow more bashing here. But, it is usually done to some BS that is in denial. This site also seems more tolerant of making pejorative generalizations(which I , generally, agree with) about cheaters.
> 
> I have always hated thevinsistence on survivinginfidelity of calling people that cheat "wayward". What was Ted Bundy ,"misguided"?


Oh, my favorite one is when a cheater will call what they did a "mistake".

There was no mistake. First, they did what the did because they wanted to. 

Second, to call it a mistake is an attempt to downplay their despicable actions.

Its the whole "It was a mistake, everyone makes them, we are all human"....blah blah blah, boo-effin-hoo.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Yes, I agree.
> 
> But, what do you think it isabout this site that draws so many betrayed men? Do we google things in a certain way that makes this pop up?
> *If you google infidelity forums, it is not near the top of the list*.
> And, it is dramatic, the % difference here vs almost any other site.


FYI, TAM comes up either 4 or 5 on G for _ infidelity forums_. I'm a webmaster for four sites & I think that's pretty near the top. Anybody with any SEO experience would definitely agree.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The question Arnold was asking is why are there so many more men on this forum than women as compared to the other infidelity forums like SI, where the vast majority are women as compared to men. Even I find that unusual.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

recently we've been seeing more women and its becoming more balanced, I think it was just a natural ebb and flow


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