# The Upside of Divorce



## Nomorebeans

I just enjoyed the crap out of deleting all my ex's preset WWII documentaries I didn't realize were still on my DVR.

And here I thought I had nothing to look forward to.


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## GusPolinski

Nomorebeans said:


> I just enjoyed the crap out of deleting all my ex's preset WWII documentaries I didn't realize were still on my DVR.
> 
> And here I thought I had nothing to look forward to.


This made me laugh.

Like, out loud and everything.


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## SunnyT

It's the little things. 

I painted an awesome mural on the bedroom wall after ex left....he always said it would be dumb. He saw it one day and asked "Why did you paint that?" ..... "Because you don't live here." I kinda liked saying that.


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## Nomorebeans

That makes my day, Gus - because you've made me laugh out loud here many a time - and at times when I didn't think I could still do that.

Next on the agenda: Aerial America, because every 13-year-old boy wants to learn the local history of other states.


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## Nomorebeans

SunnyT, I adopted a rescue puppy after the ex left, not in small part because he said, "Look at it this way - now you can finally get a dog." So I did. Which he b!tched about endlessly at first. Turns out she's great, and now he compliments me on my decision. For what that's worth.


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## SunnyT

Good for you! Do what works for you.

There really are a lot of upsides....especially if you were living/married to an inconsiderate jerk (at the least!).


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## JohnA

Hi, we both know what his AP has up her sleeve for him. Just remember he fired you.

As per weightlifter "I am Klingon" and I did not have to lift a finger. Per Spock "live long and prosper Nomorebeans and your son"


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## Cooper

My list of upsides is pretty big but there are a couple of silly little things that always remind me why I am happily divorced.

This may be the silliest thing ever but; I have not lost one sock since I have been divorced! My ex always made a big deal about the laundry being her responsibility but stuff would just pile up for weeks until me or the kids would start doing it, then she would yell at us saying we are doing it wrong. As a matter of fact it was like a treasure hunt at my house after the ex moved out, as the kids and I cleaned and went thru mounds of stuff we re discovered all sorts of missing things.

Another thing I am really happy about is my checking account hasn't been over drawn once since I have been divorced, and that was a regular occurrence because she could never remember spending money one day to the next.

And don't get me started about the joy of NEVER having to wall paper again...


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## lifeistooshort

As soon as my ex left I got a nice rose pink comforter and rose lace curtains for my bedroom. 

Alas, I had to give them up when I married hb... hope he realizes the sacrifices I've made for him 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

*As strictly an aside, I'd be quite interested in knowing about whether any of you chose to have ditched the "marriage bed" once the WS was summarily extricated from the house! 

It's my educated theory that I was thrown out on "false pretenses" where it would make it far more convenient for my RSXW to have her BF's over for "workouts," all without my knowledge or my presence!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round

Hilarious, NMB!


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## lifeistooshort

arbitrator said:


> *As strictly an aside, I'd be quite interested in knowing about whether any of you chose to have ditched the "marriage bed" once the WS was summarily extricated from the house!
> 
> It's my educated theory that I was thrown out on "false pretenses" where it would make it far more convenient for my RSXW to have her BF's over for "workouts," all without my knowledge or my presence!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did, I let ex take it and bought a new one. Since hb is the only one I've been with since ex I can say that he's the only man that's been in my bed. 

At least this bed. ....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anewstart60

I can watch black and white movies without my ex freaking out.Really!


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## Bananapeel

arbitrator said:


> *As strictly an aside, I'd be quite interested in knowing about whether any of you chose to have ditched the "marriage bed" once the WS was summarily extricated from the house!
> 
> It's my educated theory that I was thrown out on "false pretenses" where it would make it far more convenient for my RSXW to have her BF's over for "workouts," all without my knowledge or my presence!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I made the XW take it, with anything else that had to do with her AP. I haven't bought a new master bedroom set yet (currently moved the guest set into the master bedroom).


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## Dude007

You can call me a dreamer, but I'm not he only one!

Here will be my list

My money is all MY MONEY!
I Play MY music and as loud as I want!
I do where I want to go when I want to go!
I vacation where I want to Vacation with My money!
I will NOT put my Fn seat belt on!
I wont be bothered by dogs every morning
I will miss Church regularly

I could go on for DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DUDE


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## TeddieG

arbitrator said:


> *As strictly an aside, I'd be quite interested in knowing about whether any of you chose to have ditched the "marriage bed" once the WS was summarily extricated from the house!
> 
> It's my educated theory that I was thrown out on "false pretenses" where it would make it far more convenient for my RSXW to have her BF's over for "workouts," all without my knowledge or my presence!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm considering it. H and his OW did all their boinking at her house, but I remember lying next to him many a night when he was hugging the opposite side of the mattress so hard I thought one sneeze would put him over the edge. I think my entire bedroom is going to get a makeover.


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## TeddieG

Dude, yes, my money is going to be ALL MY money. His money is going to be all HER money. 

Nice. 

It's awful but h hasn't even filed yet, the divorce isn't over (but should be by Halloween according to my lawyer), and I'm already happy about it. 

Wow, this has been a long ride. Glad to get off the rollercoaster.


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## Dude007

TeddieG said:


> Dude, yes, my money is going to be ALL MY money. His money is going to be all HER money.
> 
> Nice.
> 
> It's awful but h hasn't even filed yet, the divorce isn't over (but should be by Halloween according to my lawyer), and I'm already happy about it.
> 
> Wow, this has been a long ride. Glad to get off the rollercoaster.


And then we Rock Star it for at least six months!! Cruises, Vegas, etc. Then slow it back down!!! DUDE


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## Rowan

Sometimes I come home late from work or yoga and eat a big bowl of cereal, or a stir fry, or buttered noodles with a handful of grilled chicken, or a casserole, or soup, or a salad for supper. Because I can. The quiet of no one sulking about the lack of a "real" meal is very soothing.....


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## arbitrator

Dude007 said:


> You can call me a dreamer, but I'm not he only one!
> 
> Here will be my list
> 
> My money is all MY MONEY!
> I Play MY music and as loud as I want!
> I do where I want to go when I want to go!
> I vacation where I want to Vacation with My money!
> I will NOT put my Fn seat belt on!
> I wont be bothered by dogs every morning
> I will miss Church regularly
> 
> I could go on for DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> DUDE


*I basically agree with you, @dude, on almost all fronts, the exceptions being:

(A) Church- as long as it's not the church she attends, go exercise your spiritual awareness in a likeminded congregation! Without a cheater being in your midst, you'll feel a most renewed spirit!

(B) Seat Belts- wear those babies, or some evil-minded "Evil Kneivel" sitting on his two-wheeler will see you without that seat belt on, and will suddenly have $250 of "your wealth" redistributed to the jurisdiction that employs him ~ not to even mention the auto insurance company getting a cut of the action by raising up your rates. As much as you may hate wearing the damned things, just do it! After all, the time that you fail to "buckle-in" just might be the time when you need to!



*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Nail

lifeistooshort said:


> As soon as my ex left I got a nice rose pink comforter and rose lace curtains for my bedroom.
> 
> Alas, I had to give them up when I married hb... hope he realizes the sacrifices I've made for him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand this, really I do. But I appreciate my wife making the room a place i can be comfortable in. I could handle more pink and lace as long as we can have it in Egyptian cotton. That is the bit I really don't want to give up.

As far as the bed, We bought it for her, it's too hard for me.


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## Marduk

My biggest upside was getting to have sex again. 

With a woman that actually wanted to be present for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caliguy2349

.

A. Sex with different women..

B. Can work longer hours if you wish.

C. Time with my son is just him and I.. She isn't in the background complaining, whining etc.

D. Just an inner excitement that each day is new and you don't know what it will bring..

E. Save more money, even after child support.

Just a few for now..


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## Openminded

Where to even start -- maybe just say you get your life back (with everything that implies). 
I've been divorced two years and I'm still giddy.:smile2:


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## TeddieG

I've been trying to write my g*d-damned PhD dissertation for 8 years, 6 of it interrupted or turned upside down by his BS, another year for eye surgery. So I am not only going to get it done, I'm going to ENJOY getting it done, and I'm going to get a job and get out of here and be done!


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## Dude007

Once I'm out of M in the spring I'm going into Modeling or stand up comedy!!! Either way babes are gonna be after me BIGTIME!!! DUDE


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## MJJEAN

Cooper said:


> This may be the silliest thing ever but; I have not lost one sock since I have been divorced!
> 
> That's got to be some kind of superpower.
> 
> And don't get me started about the joy of NEVER having to wall paper again...
> 
> Wall paper? What kind of monster were you married to?!





arbitrator said:


> *As strictly an aside, I'd be quite interested in knowing about whether any of you chose to have ditched the "marriage bed" once the WS was summarily extricated from the house!
> *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Both myself and my ex were wayward, if that makes any difference. 

I didn't want the bed because I really loathed my ex and didn't want to sleep where he slept. That bed had a lot of bad memories for me. It went when he did and I ended up having to borrow a twin size from a friend until I could afford a new mattress.



My big divorce happy was no more duty-obligation-"If I do this will you shut the hell up and go away for a week or so?" sex.

My other divorce upsides include
-being able to leave money and jewelry on my dresser without it disappearing
-being able to eat vegetables without hearing complaints
-being able to do dishes without having to look for the ones he stuffed under the furniture
-actually being able to pay the bills because no one is blowing all the money with nothing to show for it

And, saving the best for last, being free to marry the love of my life.


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## Nomorebeans

Arbitrator, I asked my ex to take the whole bedroom set with him, and bought myself a set and mattress (Tuft & Needle - look them up online - it has been one of my greatest joys), and all brand new 1000 thread count sheets, and a bedspread and pillows I love.

Here's something gross: The ex now sleeps with his GF in our marital bed in his house, which used to be our house when we were first married, in the same room. Here's the grossest part: On the same mattress, which is now 23 years old, lumpy, stained (dog throw-up), and probably the home of eleventy billion dust mites. The thought of her curling up on that tonight alone in a trashed out rental property he hasn't fixed up, being bombarded by those mites while she struggles to find a comfortable sleeping position with all the dips and lumps makes me smile. The thought of her attempting to sleep when he's home through his snoring, thrashing, and cover hogging makes me smile even bigger.

Here's another upside: Not being shushed when I watch football and basketball games on TV. YES, I WILL make a comment after every good or bad play my team makes, thankyouverymuch.


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## Mr.Fisty

Here is a thing to also consider. Your marriage was not all that great before it ended. Once you get pass the hurt, fix your own issues, you have the capacity to find a better relationship or a more fulfilling life.

Face it, he was not that great of a partner either and since you are more detached, you can easily spot more of his bad qualities.

My mother is the same age as you, and she is married to a far better man than my father. I have never seen her so content. Well, I think my mother is a year older, she was born in 62.

You have a higher potential to navigate more into the person you want to become and find someone who can better match the person, or have fun just dating.


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## Nomorebeans

I was born in '65. I'm 50. The ex's GF was born in '62. But so was my best female friend, and my all-time favorite actor, so I won't hold that against your Mom, Mr. F. 

You give me hope. I look forward to either being with a man who has my back and sees me as an equal, or being alone and not having to deal with one who is incapable of compassion and makes me feel small.

Either way, I win.


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## Mr.Fisty

Nomorebeans said:


> I was born in '65. I'm 50. The ex's GF was born in '62. But so was my best female friend, and my all-time favorite actor, so I won't hold that against your Mom, Mr. F.
> 
> You give me hope. I look forward to either being with a man who has my back and sees me as an equal, or being alone and not having to deal with one who is incapable of compassion and makes me feel small.
> 
> Either way, I win.



Lol, that is right, his new partner is 52. I forgot she was older.

Your son should be proud of you and your resolve. I would be. I was the role model for my mother instead.


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## kristin2349

Nomorebeans said:


> Arbitrator, I asked my ex to take the whole bedroom set with him, and bought myself a set and mattress (Tuft & Needle - look them up online - it has been one of my greatest joys), and all brand new 1000 thread count sheets, and a bedspread and pillows I love.
> 
> Here's something gross: The ex now sleeps with his GF in our marital bed in his house, which used to be our house when we were first married, in the same room. *Here's the grossest part: On the same mattress, which is now 23 years old, lumpy, stained (dog throw-up), and probably the home of eleventy billion dust mites. * The thought of her curling up on that tonight alone in a trashed out rental property he hasn't fixed up, being bombarded by those mites while she struggles to find a comfortable sleeping position with all the dips and lumps makes me smile. The thought of her attempting to sleep when he's home through his snoring, thrashing, and cover hogging makes me smile even bigger.
> 
> Here's another upside: Not being shushed when I watch football and basketball games on TV. YES, I WILL make a comment after every good or bad play my team makes, thankyouverymuch.



:surprise:23 years of "funk" for the slimeball to "sleep" on with his rotund mistress:rofl: Your Ex is one sick twist, and you're right he is cheap.


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## Betrayedone

This thread lacks depth and sincerity......sad reasons, really.


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## Nomorebeans

He is The World's Cheapest Man. For real.

Another thought that makes me smile is all her dreams of being buried in diamonds and furs because she's with an airline pilot being dashed to shreds. 

Little Known Fact: They're all either up to their eyeballs in debt, or they have to be dragged away from a dollar with their teeth marks still in it. There is no happy medium. Another one: There is nothing glamorous about being with someone who's gone more than half the time, and who then spends more than half the time he is around recovering from that.


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## Betrayedone

Nomorebeans said:


> He is The World's Cheapest Man. For real.
> 
> Another thought that makes me smile is all her dreams of being buried in diamonds and furs because she's with an airline pilot being dashed to shreds.
> 
> Little Known Fact: They're all either up to their eyeballs in debt, or they have to be dragged away from a dollar with their teeth marks still in it. There is no happy medium. Another one: There is nothing glamorous about being with someone who's gone more than half the time, and who then spends more than half the time he is around recovering from that.


Perhaps that is your experience but I am one and have none of the issues you describe.......


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## Nomorebeans

Yes, that is my experience. But my experience is with a lousy judge of character, as far as the company he kept outside the marriage.

All his pilot friends were cheaters and/or tightwads. He would criticize the spendthrifts as being somehow lesser humans than he.

My view is clearly biased. Sorry about the sweeping generalization.


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## Dude007

Betrayedone said:


> This thread lacks depth and sincerity......sad reasons, really.


Maybe you can add to the depth and sincerity or bolt? Is life really that serious anyway??!! Its FRIDAY!!! DUDE


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## 3Xnocharm

Betrayedone said:


> This thread lacks depth and sincerity......sad reasons, really.


I don't understand how in the world you see it this way! Are we all supposed to be miserable and mopey because the ones who made us miserable are no longer in our lives?? 

For me, one of the biggest, simplest joys I have is being able to set the damn thermostat however I want! I got so sick and tired of being the one who was uncomfortable! Why did I count less??


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## Dude007

And MAYBE, just MAYBE, being able to make light of the past life with the ex is a sign you are healed or healing????!! I know its a stretch...DUDE


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## Ynot

I haven't completely come up for air yet, but I can see some things that are better for me:
I can stay out as late as I want
I can stay up as late as I want
I can watch whatever I want on TV - including sports (last year was the first time in 25 years that I actually followed the March Madness)
I can work whenever I want (I am self employed and don't have to subscribe to the corporate schedule anymore to be free when she was free)
I can vacation wherever I want, whenever I want (instead of being limited to going to some beach on the ocean in the summer)


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## TeddieG

kristin2349 said:


> :surprise:23 years of "funk" for the slimeball to "sleep" on with his rotund mistress:rofl: Your Ex is one sick twist, and you're right he is cheap.


Hey nomorebeans, look at this way, they saved you the trouble of having to find a place to burn it.


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## Ynot

I just remembered something else - I don't have to pay extra for the "news" channels so that my ex could put on Faux News every morning to get her daily dose of wisdom.
Or make excuses to not go to church
Or bite my tongue when she started spouting off about how her cousin was successful because he was a Christian (despite that he was money hungry and enjoyed screwing people)


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## Dude007

Ynot said:


> I just remembered something else - I don't have to pay extra for the "news" channels so that my ex could put on Faux News every morning to get her daily dose of wisdom.


Dude, those chicks on that channel are SMOKING HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Ynot

Dude007 said:


> Dude, those chicks on that channel are SMOKING HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yep, they struck gold when they decided that having women made up like porn starts, showing cleavage and some leg was a good way to get guys to watch the news. The hell with the message- that chick is HOT!


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## Octavia4

I am at the early stages of what is promising to be a long and painful divorce. I took a break from crying to read this and all of the other upside comments. I am going to bookmark this and force myself to read it often. Thank you to everyone for giving me hope.


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## Cooper

Octavia4 said:


> I am at the early stages of what is promising to be a long and painful divorce. I took a break from crying to read this and all of the other upside comments. I am going to bookmark this and force myself to read it often. Thank you to everyone for giving me hope.


Octavia the thing to take away from this thread is there most certainly is relief and positives after divorce. No one wants to be divorced, and most of us stuck out our marriages way too long. The decision to divorce and the process may have been the most emotionally challenging thing I ever faced, but it was worth it. To be able to live your day to day life as you like and not have to deal with constant stress and drama and having the life force sucked out of you is a wonderful thing.

You may not be divorced yet, but tell us a couple of things you're looking forward to post divorce. Keep an eye on the finish line and the process will go a little better. 

Best wishes.


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## FormerSelf

No more needing to check bank balance constantly...worried that it would be overdrawn.

No more nights where I would be forced awake and go do something...such as pound on a neighbor's door to be quiet. Ex was a very light sleeper and just miserable to sleep with...as she gets angry when she is woke.

No more anxiety brought on by "What mood will she be in today?"


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## Pluto2

Not once since ex left has either daughter run out of the room in tears.
I no longer cringe with fear in my home.
Not once, have I been accused of trying to kill anyone.
I renovated my kitchen EXACTLY the way I wanted.
I painted MY bedroom.
I rearranged the furniture and the world did not end.
I can socialize.
And, I no longer have to endure WWII documentaries-Really, I remember who won.


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## Ynot

Yes, knowing I have money to do what I want to do has been liberating as well. In the past I never knew what my money was going to be needed for. I can't begin to tell you how many hysterical phone calls I got "can you deposit money in my account? I forgot that my car payment was coming out today and I already spent the money"
Also, I only have to pay for things that I want to pay for. Such as a basic cell phone plan instead of one with all the bells and whistles so that she could always be connected to FB.
I don't have to spend money on god knows how many different kinds of foods and supplements the quack diet of the month required
I know that if I walk into a mall, I will only be spending money on whatever it was I went there to buy, instead of knowing that regardless of the fact that malls are mainly monuments to everything I don't really need, I would still be spending two or three hundred dollars to get out of there.
I always felt that if I had two dimes to rub together she would be along any moment to ask me for a quarter.


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## Nomorebeans

Octavia4 said:


> I am at the early stages of what is promising to be a long and painful divorce. I took a break from crying to read this and all of the other upside comments. I am going to bookmark this and force myself to read it often. Thank you to everyone for giving me hope.


I'm sorry you're here, Octavia.

But I'm very glad to read that my thread is helping you.

My ex left me for another woman. Our divorce was final on July 29, and she is already living with him in a house 10 minutes away that was the first house we bought together and lived in for 12 years (we kept it as a rental when we moved to a bigger one).

Finding out about his affair and the aftermath has been the hardest thing I've ever been through, and I have lost both my parents - my mother when I was 26 and she was 60, my father 7 years ago. I was very close with both.

I still struggle some days - it seems like the hits just keep on coming with my ex because we are co-parenting our 13-year-old son, and he feels the need to tell me about his personal life although I've asked him many times not to.

But I'm making progress. I was so down for the last several months, I stopped listening to music and stopped going to movies - two of my favorite things - because everything was a trigger. Recently, like in the last month - I find myself listening to music again in my car, and not minding when a love song comes on if it's one I've always liked, anyway. And I'm looking forward to seeing "The Martian" tomorrow - I'm psyched, really - and I haven't felt anticipation for doing something fun like this since I found out about the OW in February.

So little by little, we get there. You won't even realize it, but one day you wake up and it doesn't hurt as much as it used to anymore, and you get back that little bit more of your old self.

Back to the "insincere" stuff "lacking in depth":

- I can set the thermostat to 73 and keep it there. How nice it is not to sweat inside my own home.

- I don't have to tiptoe around the house from 6:30 to 7:30 in the morning when I get ready for work because he's still sleeping, and then come home at 5:30 or 6:00 at night and tiptoe around again for an hour, because that's the time every day he decides he needs a nap.

- I can have coffee any time and any day I want, and not have to hear about how it "stinks" or "Why do you drink that stuff?"

- I can talk with my son who allows me to complete my thoughts and doesn't shush me or wave me off when he's tired of listening to me, and doesn't correct me as to how I should answer a yes or no question with "Yes" or "No" and THEN explain my reasoning.

- I can walk through the house without being corrected on how to walk properly. (Yes, he really did do that.)

- I can have a conversation on the phone that he doesn't interrupt, asking me who I'm talking to (and he was the cheater), or some other question, and then getting annoyed when I seem annoyed that he's interrupted me.

- I can be friends with whomever I want and not have to hear his criticisms of the friends I've chosen.

- When my son is not home, I can listen to my music as loudly as I want to, and sing along. The dog doesn't mind. Or if she does, she doesn't say so.


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## TeddieG

Octavia, I didn't want the divorce. He hasn't even filed and may wimp out. He proposed to his OW about 4 weeks ago because her family confronted him about the fact that he would leave her for weeks or months at a time, and then return. He wanted to please her and them and now he's stuck and sacred to death and now she's putting enormous pressure on him. My h has mental health issues and had a ton of physical issues, and his solution was to cheat, but he knows he often shows signs of forgetfulness, resembling dementia. I took very seriously my vow of in sickness and in health. He tried filing for divorce online in 2009 and then finally filed with the court with a DIY kit, and my lawyer and he worked out an agreement after the divorce took a year, because of cancelled meetings and hearings due to weather (and he even told me he was glad all those cancellations happened and the divorce drug along). He left my attorney's office with a consent decree and agreement, we went for a beer, I hugged him and told him to have a great life, and that evening he was back and my house and wanted to cancel the divorce, which happened, a day or two later, on his birthday no less. 

It's not that I want divorce but I am tired of him toying with my heart with the constant threat of it. If he doesn't file within a couple of weeks my attorney will. I was able to tolerate a lot from him because he is mentally ill and I didn't take a lot of it personally, but he is letting a skank control him and his financial situation and I won't let them bring me down. 

Hang in there. It took me a LONG time to get where I could see ANY upside to divorce, but despite getting up in the morning and lying down in the evening and wishing it had worked out some other way, most of the time it is a relief to know it is finally happening. You'll get there.


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## Hopeful Cynic

I get to watch what I want on TV.

I go see movies I'm actually interested in.

I set the thermostat so that I'm the comfortable one.

My money doesn't mysteriously vanish and I can spend it wisely instead of on frivolity.

I sleep on the whole bed.

I stay up late or sleep in without being berated.

The only mess in the house is the one I made.

I eat seafood again.

The car is never low on gas when I need it.

The person I was supposed to be able to trust the most is not lying to me. Well, that could be untrue, but it doesn't matter anymore!


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## Wolf1974

No more guilt trips
No more making me jealous about her co workers
No more theft of money
No more disputes about the kids...this is a big one
No more house decorated like only women live here

I get to have my own money
I get to decide where I live
I get to decide what I drive
I get to decide when and where I work
I get to decide where to vacation
I get to decide where to retire
I get to have a dog


Life is now awesome. I never honestly knew how much I was missing


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## Nomorebeans

There are no more guns in my house. Or cases of ammo.

Just a 5-month-old German Shepherd/Lab/Boxer mix. Who will weigh 60 pounds in another month. And who is already policing the cul-de-sac.


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## jj224

How about. I will no longer feel crazy trying to figure out if she is lying or telling the truth.


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## Satya

I just mentioned this post to Constable Odo. 

I was compelled to add his contribution in absentia:

"I found that my life was instantly and refreshingly de-cluttered..... because she got all of my sh1t."


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## Married but Happy

No longer wondering if the root of the problems was me, or her. Now I know: it was her.


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## Nomorebeans

Satya said:


> I just mentioned this post to Constable Odo.
> 
> I was compelled to add his contribution in absentia:
> 
> "I found that my life was instantly and refreshingly de-cluttered..... because she got all of my sh1t."


This happened to me, too, but not because he got any of my sh!t (except all my leather boots and dresses he took that I made him bring back, the freak) - because he was a bit of a hoarder, and he took all his sh!t with him.


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## Ynot

The real upside to my divorce is that it forced me to look very deeply at myself. The pain has forced me to grow in ways I never would have had we stayed married. I don't think counseling could have gotten me to the point I am at now. I am not all the way there yet, but damn, I can see that I can be a lot better than what I was. That was NOT the case when I was married.


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## Dude007

And the david letterman no 1 upside for divorce, "you get to post on TAM all weekend and indirectly say what you didn't like about your ex!" If only you could link it to your facebook feed. 

Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joannacroc

It's truly lovely to plan activities with my son for the Fall, and know I won't have to try and persuade him to want to spend time with us anymore. We get to go apple picking, or go to a museum, or go pick out a pumpkin, and just enjoy life, without having a disgruntled husband type who doesn't want to be there along for the ride. My son loves going on adventures and it's pretty awesome getting to see him experience something cool for the first time 

No dishes left in weird places, like on the floor next to the sofa, for me to trip over.

No more cleaning up after a grown man. There is a lot less to clean and a lot less mess to manage with just me and my son.

No more disappearing money.

No more lies. No more worrying what he's up to, and who he's with, because I genuinely don't care anymore, as long as he's not bothering me or my son.

How about regaining some self respect? No more saying I'm sorry when I haven't done anything wrong. This took a while to realize. He got me in the habit of saying sorry a lot, and managed to get me into the mindset where I genuinely thought this was normal, to say sorry, even when I hadn't done anything. No more worrying if what I said would set him off into one of his tirades, which I would have to listen to for the next hour or so.

No more being woken up at God knows what hour by him coming home from "work"

Being able to read or watch whatever I want without someone making fun of me.

Peace and quiet occasionally. I'm working on enjoying the times when my son is with my ex. I won't say I enjoy them yet, since I spend most of my time away from my son feeling sad or missing him or worrying about him, but I DO enjoy the little break for my ear drums. Kids aren't quiet


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## musiclover

I bought a new curtain rod, got home and realized it wasn't long enough.. I need to add to the middle. Took one of his precious arrows, chopped the little wing things off and extended my curtain rod  Put the curtains on, you can't even tell ... 

No more watching every word I say because he might get mad
No more cooking every night (love it)
No more worrying about what the thermostat is set to
NO MORE DRAMA 
No more rushing home at 830 when I go out with friends for dinner because he might get mad
No more worrying about if he's gonna get nasty because he had one too many
No more asking when we can paint, fix something etc. I'll do it myself now thanks... 
No more worrying about when I can live my life in peace 

I can relax now and I love every minute...


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## honeysuckle04

To echo what everyone else has said-
No more lying, no more emotional blackmailing.
No more bad gut feelings.
No more looking at jiggly overhang too tight badly dressed unprofessional man boy clothes.
No more snoring in my ear so bad it gives me headaches
No more snot balls being sneezed across the room. 
No more sloppy kisses or moaning while eating with food rolling around in the mouth to watch or listen to.
No more griping about my dogs showing affection.
No more white trash hoarding clutter around the room.
No more sneaking around behind my back. 
No more walking on eggshells or worrying about the chaotic tension brought home every evening.
No more excessive noise in the mornings or at night.
No more griping or sighing at my kids when they ask for help or want attention.
No more worrying about his shopaholic tendencies and bills being late (he is an accountant too!)
No more arguing. I have become like the most content, agreeable person I know now, seriously! 

Downsides I'm still going through-
I really miss being able to talk to a man, best friend.
I really miss the companionship or small intimate details.
Don't know why, haven't had those for a while now.


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## Pluto2

honeysuckle04 said:


> Downsides I'm still going through-
> I really miss being able to talk to a man, best friend.
> I really miss the companionship or small intimate details.
> Don't know why, haven't had those for a while now.


Sounds like you're missing something you didn't have anyway. We all go through that.


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## WasDecimated

I am so thankful that I don't have to sit with her and watch any of those pointless, stupid, scripted, mind-numbing reality shows! :yay:


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## honeysuckle04

Pluto2 said:


> Sounds like you're missing something you didn't have anyway. We all go through that.


Guess I didn't have it much near the end. Not to highjack Beans but how do you get through it.


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## Ynot

honeysuckle04 said:


> Guess I didn't have it much near the end. Not to highjack Beans but how do you get through it.


That is the question we all ask. I think I know what you will hear, but I haven't experienced success as a result (yet, hopefully).


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## Pluto2

honeysuckle04 said:


> Guess I didn't have it much near the end. Not to highjack Beans but how do you get through it.


You force yourself to become a -somewhat-selfish creature, someone who focuses on you. I know the last couple of years of my marriage everything was about him, his jobs, his bosses, his family, his health, his mood, his anger, his lies, his abuse, his infidelity. I was barely present. Ah, but I was there just enough for him to try to stuff the blame for every ill of the world on my shoulders. The bad part was that in the end I let that happen.

So you focus on you. Take time for yourself, go to counseling, go out with friends, take time to exercise. Take an honest look at your relationship and determine why you thought he was your best friend. Was that really how your best friend should behave. How could you handle it differently when the next relationship develops.
Every morning you get up and try again. 

Soon, it starts to feel better. Then, it honestly is better. It is a process with no easy way out. And once you realize life is waaay better without your ex, then that is the best upside of divorce


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## Nomorebeans

That's the rub - getting to that point where you truly realize life is better without him. I know intellectually that it's easier to not have to live by his schedule and his agenda. And that Valentine's Day and Anniversaries were just sad for the last few years because we had disconnected as a couple. But I keep only seeing how hard my life is now that he's gone - how really difficult it is to be a single parent, and to have to deal with things with the house he used to take care of.

I guess to get to that point, like you've said, you just have to get up each day and try again. You just have to keep going. Like a good friend says, we've never been closer to it yet than we are right now.


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## Hardtohandle

No more having to pay 275 for her haircut and color..


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## Dude007

Actually the grieving process will take you there but it takes time. You can't take years to bond/attach to someone then bang, unattach. The process of falling in love is drawn out and the process of detaching is drawn out for a reason. Cognitively you know you are probably better off but your feelings have to catch up and that takes time to abandon all the dreams you had for the marriage/family. Just know where you are headed and have a glass of wine. You'll get there! dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2

I heard a TedTalk by Dan Gilbert, on the Surprising Science of Happiness

Dan Gilbert: The surprising science of happiness | TED Talk Subtitles and Transcript | TED.com

The really resonated with me. We can find happiness, but it won't come the day after our divorce. We do have to do the hard work, but it happens.

I could focus on the fact that I lost a 28 yr marriage to D; that my ex was a verbally and emotionally abuse, serial-cheating a$$, who has morphed into a vapid dead-beat dad who hasn't had contact with his girls in a year; that my financial stability, isn't; that my body is showing signs of a few decades of life.....

or

I can focus on the fact that NO ONE is emotionally/verbally abusing me; that my home is peaceful; that my children are happy and healthy and engaged in the word; that I have truly good friends; that my home might not be filled with luxury but it has character and charm and I'm damn lucky to have it; that my bills are getting paid, and that what tomorrow brings is infinitely better than what years past held.

How we choose to view our world has a significant impact on our happiness level. I choose the good things.


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