# It's what I expected, but still...sigh...



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Very rough day today. It's been 3 months since D-Day, and the wife told me yesterday she's moving away on Thursday with the OM. Ugh. Before anyone berates me, I know I didn't handle this affair very well, made a lot of mistakes, didn't go NC right away, took too long to expose to her family. Lot of mistakes, but I wasn't ready to emotionally detach so quickly. I admit all that, so please don't point it out to me.

One last ray of hope is that she won't divorce me. Absolutely will not do it herself. I know this is common for a WW, I know this is out of guilt, but no wife ever felt guilty for divorcing someone she could never love. I know she's going to leave, and I should kill that ounce of hope now, but I'd like to have it for a few more days. I'd also like to tell her to **** off though and paper-airplane the divorce papers over my shoulder to her as I walk away.

A few people in my affair support group suggested a legal separation. Most people on TAM suggest divorce no question. I'm going to tell her to do file for divorce herself before she leaves, and if she can't do it then stay. Doubt that'll have much effect, and it seems the choice is mine on Friday.

I won't remain friends, and this angers her greatly. I told her it's too painful to see you with another man, and it's literally killing me - lost 30 pounds, got PTSD, have high blood pressure at only 30 for the first time ever. She said it's selfish of me. Yeah, honestly - the one having an affair and abandoning the marriage called me selfish for not wanting to watch her be with the OM. This is definitely the fog, and I wish I could clear it away. I did agree to see her one last time just so we could sort property, and because I want to ask one last time why she won't file (I've never gotten an answer from her on that, even though I know it's guilt, and hey there's the infinitesimally slim chance my very emotional wife will break down at the courthouse before filing), so tomorrow is the last day I will ever see my wife. 

I'm pretty much on my own now - we moved across the country last year so I don't have any close friends nearby. I have three cats, some or all of whom I'll have to give away now due to finances. I've boxed up all our mementos and told her I don't want them, she should take them. Not sure yet what to do about the rings - give them to her, or we each keep our own, or I take them both and sell them.

Contrary to how this post sounds, I am an optimist and know I'll get better. Hell that's what kept me around for three months. But I'm not ready to be better yet. I'd love to hibernate for two or three months and not have to go to work. They should treat affairs like a maternity leave and grant me a few weeks with pay.

At least when she's gone on Thursday the path ahead will be a bit more clear. Time to begin working on me, getting a stable career etc. The best revenge is a life well lived.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

She is a cake eater and she will stay with the OM until you show signs of letting go. Like Divorcing her. 
BeDoneNow
Look after yourself man.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> One last ray of hope is that she won't divorce me.


Dude, what the heck? YOU should be divorcing HER! Why should she be doing that if she has you as a plan B? She is just going to test drive the other guy and if doesn't work she has you!

Damn, you need your sense of self to erupt sometime now. There is no way you are going to get what you want if you are showing yourself as some sort of begging pauper willing to be cuckholded for the "hope" that she comes back. 

Even if she comes back she will have learned that you are willing to put up with everything, including her banging other dudes!



> Not sure yet what to do about the rings - give them to her, or we each keep our own, or I take them both and sell them.


You need cash don't you? Sell them, it's only metal now.


----------



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Also, something that pisses me off...she said that me telling her I could never see her again (due to the absolutely paralyzing pain, as I explained) was a major reason in her decision to go with the OM. That I didn't value our relationship. HA. This my friends is what they call blame shifting - it's my fault she's leaving. I don't value the relationship I fought three months to save, and she values the relationship she's actively destroying. What logic.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

until you start to look at *YOUR* life with a new perspective you should expect to be trampled on. Not just by your WW but by any future relationship. 

Gather yourself. Look at how you've behaved, what your expectations have been. This is a time for renewal. Start by filing. You'll know you're okay when you can see her again without pining for her.


----------



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Costa, I will be divorcing her on Friday if she won't do it by Thursday (and we all know she won't). But I'm not a prideful person, I don't need the bragging rights to say I kicked her ass out, and I'd much rather make her suffer the pain of finishing what she started rather than making me do the dirty work. That to me is much more satisfying, knowing just how much she doesn't want to do it.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Divorcing her is the right move. It's your only hope at this point of breaking the fog she's in but sadly she may be too far gone
Sell the rings. They were a symbol of her commitment to you which she has now broken. If she has any honor left she'll also offer to return the engagement ring (if she hasn't already)

Make yourself a better man for whatever the rest of life brings you

Stay strong brother
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> Contrary to how this post sounds, I am an optimist and know I'll get better. Hell that's what kept me around for three months. But I'm not ready to be better yet.


Trust me, that is coming out LOUD and clear. You have been an optimist for three months, putting hope over any sense of reality or experience.

You aren't ready to let go...so you did little and sabatoged your effort.. You aren't ready to get better...so you CHOOSE to suffer.

If you won't take advice and you are making choices you KNOW are going to hurt you, what exactly do you want from here?

Okay, maybe that last comment isn't perfectly helpful, but we see a LOT of guys just like you who come and whine and say that, despite coming to an advice site, THEY know what they are doing and than they end up in exactly your situation.

So, no crying over spilt milk. My question is, have you _learned_ anything from this experience? How would you handle things differently?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you posted the OM on cheaterville.com?
Have you considered sending a letter to the neighbors where he lives saying the woman moving in with him is you cheating wife and that he is piece of trash that is having a affair with another mans wife?


----------



## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Stop being a doormat, man. I have been one and got a kick in the gut in the end. Serve her with the D and be done with her. There are more than 3 billion women in the world...


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

The stock of MAN dropped another 2 points on the NASDAQ.


----------



## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Shes played her cards. She might come running back, but itll only be at rejection from the OM. She won't file for divorce because she believes she can go play house with the OM and if it doesnt work she can turn on the tear ducts and come home and work on her marriage. I had a similar situation to yours. I understand how hard it is. File.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> Shes played her cards. She might come running back, but itll only be at rejection from the OM. She won't file for divorce because she believes she can go play house with the OM and if it doesnt work she can turn on the tear ducts and come home and work on her marriage. I had a similar situation to yours. I understand how hard it is. File.


Not to thread jack, but how are you doing Stages?


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> Shes played her cards. She might come running back, but itll only be at rejection from the OM. She won't file for divorce because she believes she can go play house with the OM and if it doesnt work she can turn on the tear ducts and come home and work on her marriage. I had a similar situation to yours. I understand how hard it is. File.


I go with the simplest approach.

She doesn't want to be the Bad Guy. She can pretend in her mind that what she is doing is NOT ending the relationship. Hence her desire to 'be friends'.

And sad to say, this guy will probably cave so she doesn't feel too bad and so he can keep that little flame of hope burning in his heart.

OP, Hope is a B!tch Goddess who ruins as many lives as She saves. You need to interpret which of her two faces She is showing you...and you probably aren't being shown the pretty one.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP,
A picture is worth a thousand words... So here are 3000 words for you to reflect upon:


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Let's add a thousand more.

This was actually a favorite of another poster but I hope he doesn't mind me using it in an appropriate manner.


----------



## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Not to thread jack, but how are you doing Stages?


Hey . I'm doing ok more good days than bad days. First court date next week, and afterwards I'm packing up and moving to a new location and kind of just reboot/restart life. I'm 30, so I figure I got a few good years left in me haha . My divorce will be finalized in January.


----------



## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

Let us know not done yet.
Divorce her she has chosen him. No point in separation. Do so Friday as planned no balking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> Very rough day today. It's been 3 months since D-Day, and the wife told me yesterday she's moving away on Thursday with the OM. Ugh. Before anyone berates me, I know I didn't handle this affair very well, made a lot of mistakes, didn't go NC right away, took too long to expose to her family. Lot of mistakes, but I wasn't ready to emotionally detach so quickly. I admit all that, so please don't point it out to me.


Okay.. sayin nothing.



> One last ray of hope is that she won't divorce me. Absolutely will not do it herself. I know this is common for a WW, I know this is out of guilt, but no wife ever felt guilty for divorcing someone she could never love. I know she's going to leave, and I should kill that ounce of hope now, but I'd like to have it for a few more days. I'd also like to tell her to **** off though and paper-airplane the divorce papers over my shoulder to her as I walk away.


This is typical. She wants you to stay available. She knows you love her and is taking advantage of that..




> A few people in my affair support group suggested a legal separation. Most people on TAM suggest divorce no question. I'm going to tell her to do file for divorce herself before she leaves, and if she can't do it then stay. Doubt that'll have much effect, and it seems the choice is mine on Friday.


Legal separation is just telling her that this is okay and that she can keep you on the hook. I had an enforced legal separation of 12 months before divorce and all it does is extend the cake eating.



> I won't remain friends, and this angers her greatly.


THIS. This tells me so much more than anything else. She wants to put you in the freind basket. She wants you AND the OM. You need to push them TOGETHER and totally disengage with her. Total and complete NC. This is your stratergy now. 



> I told her it's too painful to see you with another man, and it's literally killing me - lost 30 pounds, got PTSD, have high blood pressure at only 30 for the first time ever. She said it's selfish of me.


She is deep deep in the fog. She has PAE running through her system. I heard the same thing.



> Yeah, honestly - the one having an affair and abandoning the marriage called me selfish for not wanting to watch her be with the OM.


She wants you to bless it. She wants you to approve of it. I suspect that when you finally say NO she will freak out totally.



> This is definitely the fog, and I wish I could clear it away.


Two years before it starts to clear. Let her have her OM. Let her live her life and let her do it ON HER OWN.



> I did agree to see her one last time just so we could sort property, and because I want to ask one last time why she won't file (I've never gotten an answer from her on that, even though I know it's guilt, and hey there's the infinitesimally slim chance my very emotional wife will break down at the courthouse before filing), so tomorrow is the last day I will ever see my wife.


Don't even think it. She will know. 



> I'm pretty much on my own now - we moved across the country last year so I don't have any close friends nearby. I have three cats, some or all of whom I'll have to give away now due to finances.


Don't give away your cats! They really don't cost much to keep. Box of dry food a week. If they want fresh. They go kill it themselves. 




> I've boxed up all our mementos and told her I don't want them, she should take them. Not sure yet what to do about the rings - give them to her, or we each keep our own, or I take them both and sell them.


Sell them




> Contrary to how this post sounds, I am an optimist and know I'll get better. Hell that's what kept me around for three months. But I'm not ready to be better yet. I'd love to hibernate for two or three months and not have to go to work. They should treat affairs like a maternity leave and grant me a few weeks with pay.


Just go to work. Come home. go to work. come home. 
You don't have to recover that fast. It's okay to take your time. Guys need to hit the cave and lick their wounds. As soon as your ready, you will know it. Don't cut the world out though. There are plenty of women out there . Believe me.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Crap, three months....try four and a half years.! You are a GOD! You really are my Hero! You did so much better than me! Over course you did have TAM and I did not but still you have done GREAT IMHO! Enjoy your new future and let go of your past. God Bless David


----------

