# Should I stay or go



## Kolman92 (Jul 26, 2021)

I’ve been married for 8 years and we have a 4 year old. My wife and I argue over stupid things and the arguments are coming almost weekly for about a year, prior it would be about every few weeks. Mainly she is starting them over minor things and then she makes it bigger and then starts calling me names, and says I don’t do things around the house. All of that is not true I do my fair share of house work/chores plus I’m the one that mainly takes care of our child, something she says is BS, lol, she hardly does anything with our child. She also get super upset with our child if our 4 year won’t do something she asked her to do, typical toddler drama. She’ll also take it to heart if our child says “I don’t love you” which kids do at this age when they get upset, but my wife takes it personally.
I wish I could write more but it would be so long and what I’m trying to get to is I’ve been thinking of getting a divorce.
First off I quit my job when we had our child and the problem now is, we work together but I don’t get a paycheck because the extra work I do helps us get a bigger check. Without my help and if I had my old job, she still would be the “breadwinner” of the family because of her degree. Another issue is we have a joint checking account, so having the joint account, makes it look like she is 100% working and I’m a stay at home dad, its been like this for about 4 years.
Getting a divorce I have no “my own money” so I can’t hire a lawyer without her knowing, like I said joint account, and it will be hard to find a job since I am watching our child at home and working.
Telling her I’m leaving and packing my things up and basically putting them in storage and getting a Uber job is about the best thing I could think of. But right out of the gate I’ll technically be homeless with just my car to sleep in and what ever little money I have stashed, not much, till I got a job.

I need some help to get things lined up and a way to figure out how NOT to be homeless here in San Francisco. To add all my family lives on the east coast and I do not want to be no more then a few miles from our child, so staying with them I can’t do.

I’m trying to see what advice you have for me looking to get a divorce and in being in my situation? It hurts to know that one day I won’t be seeing our child everyday, but I’m not happy being with my wife that flips out over spilled milk and my love for her is barely there.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if your here looking for someone to tell you how to fix this or if we think it is the time to walk away , WE can't 

you have given us a photo of what life is like for you and a little of what it is like for your wife ,

what you do not say is what brought you to this point ,
and what you think is the underground problems in your marriage

address them together is better than cutting out and running , better and easier to work on them than go on your own ,

I will say the same thing to you as to a woman in your role 
why have you not a job , loosing your independence is going to affect you and your wife 

judging by what I see you have every interest to work on this 

you say you want a divorce. and can't get one as you have no money what does your wife want 
how does she see things 
have you told her in a came way how your feeling , 

there is a lot of stress in the home and it is affecting the child ,


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In order to address your issues, more info is needed. Here's a couple of questions to get started.

How many hours a week do you work for the business you and your wife have? Does this business pay your wife via a paycheck?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Get a good marriage counselor and work on the marriage. You made vows and promises, you have responsibilities and as far as I can see you have nothing here that can't be worked on.
Sit your wife down, tell her how close you feel to ending the marriage and agree a way forward.


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## abigailla (Jul 14, 2021)

I also think that before making such drastic decisions, it is worthwhile for a start to sit down calmly and talk with your wife, contact a family relationship consultant


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## Kolman92 (Jul 26, 2021)

Thank you for the replies. First off I wasn’t going to write a complete breakdown of why I’m at this point in our relationship, just for the fact it will be long.
In arguments prior she’s even talked about divorce but a day later will walk it back only because of our child and not wanting to break up the family. I have brought up counseling and she flat out refuses it even online counseling.
The arguments have got to a point where they are affecting our child as much as I try to talk to my wife behind closed doors, but she’s a yeller and then likes to continue arguments into the next day or two.
My wife also is a narcissist and will never admit to any wrongdoing, never has. I’m a very calm person, but she will do her best to poke me to push the argument, which I do hear myself and will do my best to try and bring the argument down, but she keeps egging on.
This marriage is on the last string and me staying here is not going to right any issues that are happening. With her arguments now affecting our child mentally, it’s a toxic marriage where it’s not getting any better. I have tried for years to walk on eggshells, bite my tongue on not saying my opinion in a regular conversation because I know it is not what she believes and that will start argument with her saying hateful words to me.
My main reason here is not to try and mend this relationship, even talking to a pastor he has said sometimes it’s better to leave and become friends, then to hate each other and have no respect towards one another, especially with having a child.

It was a huge mistake on my part to leave my job which has put me into this position. So what I’m trying to figure out is how to leave this marriage with what I have and with no place to stay and no job. How can I go about in getting an attorney to help me get what I deserve including possible custody of our child. We work in the same room so it’s not like I can call a lawyer. I’ll post more if more replies trigger something in my head.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kolman92 said:


> Thank you for the replies. First off I wasn’t going to write a complete breakdown of why I’m at this point in our relationship, just for the fact it will be long.
> In arguments prior she’s even talked about divorce but a day later will walk it back only because of our child and not wanting to break up the family. I have brought up counseling and she flat out refuses it even online counseling.
> The arguments have got to a point where they are affecting our child as much as I try to talk to my wife behind closed doors, but she’s a yeller and then likes to continue arguments into the next day or two.
> My wife also is a narcissist and will never admit to any wrongdoing, never has. I’m a very calm person, but she will do her best to poke me to push the argument, which I do hear myself and will do my best to try and bring the argument down, but she keeps egging on.
> ...


If you are determined to leave then you have to get a job with a regular income. There is no way you will get child custody if you have no where decent to live. 
That's the first step.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Look for a lawyer that does free consultations, then tell your wife you have an appointment, need to buy milk, whatever. That way you can at least see where you stand if you divorce.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If you are determined to leave then you have to get a job with a regular income. There is no way you will get child custody if you have no where decent to live.
> That's the first step.


Yes you need to find a job ASAP


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Without a job you’ll get more alimony and child support.*

Go see an attorney. They’ll know the laws in your current state. That kind of advice needs to come from an attorney.

You don’t need to get a job to get a divorce. That’s BS.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

yes it is a huge mistake for any one man or woman to give up a job , form many points 
one you loose Independence back your self into a dependence 
two you stop paying tax so in 9 times out of 10 you end up not been able get state help 
3 it is good to get out of the house


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