# Dealing With Past Hurt



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

My Husband is emotionally estranged from his mother and had a lot of hurt during his first marriage to an alcoholic.

We've been married 13 years. Communication/Sharing from him has always been a challenge. During a fight yesterday he said he doesn't like talking to or sharing with me because I'm manipulative.
My response: I told him it's been 13 years and I'm sorry your Mom and ex were manipulative but I shouldn't have to continue to pay for their issues. I've felt this for a while and finally said it.

Can you let go??

Any insight from a guy/suggestions would be appreciated!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

> 1. During a fight yesterday he said he doesn't like talking to or sharing with me because I'm manipulative.





> 2. I told him it's been 13 years and I'm sorry your Mom and ex were manipulative but I shouldn't have to continue to pay for their issues.


There may be a lack of responses because the connection between 1 and 2 is lacking. You seem to imply that he is wrong to consider you manipulative. Can you elaborate?


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

See a counsellor


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## CarefulinNY (Sep 30, 2013)

I had issues with my mom for a long time. Holding on to them was unproductive. As soon as I got past these issues and realized that I am responsible for my happiness, I was much better off. I would also reccomend counseling.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

moco82 said:


> There may be a lack of responses because the connection between 1 and 2 is lacking. You seem to imply that he is wrong to consider you manipulative. Can you elaborate?


He finds manipulation in so many people. It's not wrong for him to feel what he feels. I do not consider myself to be intentionally manipulative. I do my best to be honest in my communication.

What was wrong or actually sad to me was as his wife, he is telling me that he has his guard up fully whenever we talk as he is on the look out for a manipulative comment. He doesn't trust me not to hurt him despite my being there for him during some seriously bad times for him. I gave my self emotionally, physically and financially to this man. My takeaway: if he feels that way about me as his wife, that's a huge barrier that stands in the way of all that I wanted when I married him: a relationship that would be both physically and emotionally intimate.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

accept1 said:


> See a counsellor


I am. He's not interested in joint. I'm going once/month, will probably up the frequency. The counselor can only go by what I say. I try to tell the counselor exactly what I said and he said and admit when I think I may have been wrong so I can get as much as I can out of counseling so I can learn about me, about him and our relationship.

See my other posts. The counselor feels he is narcissistic and it will be a rough road but it can be dealt with with strong boundaries.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

CarefulinNY said:


> I had issues with my mom for a long time. Holding on to them was unproductive. As soon as I got past these issues and realized that I am responsible for my happiness, I was much better off. I would also reccomend counseling.


I am going to counseling. I wish it were joint. He has not expressed any interest. Refers to my counseling as getting help with my angry moods.

My Husband went to counseling with his ex. He also went to Al-Anon which he really spoke highly of. He told me that he learned that he is responsible for his own serenity and he cannot fix and make someone else happy.


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