# So Friggin Angry



## Dustball (May 16, 2012)

I'm guessing this is normal, but I want to read your experience. To make a long story short (since it's been about a year since I last posted here), we lived together for 3 very happy years, concieved two beautiful children, got married, and everything went downhill after signing the papers. He went medieval on me, became macho and controlling, and got into a really weird and ridiculous religious group and pretty much destroyed our sexlife, marriage, and my self esteem.

When he asked for a separation, I was devastated, but a part of me gave out a sigh of relief, the hell was finally gonna be over, and I wasn't the quitter.

He's been delaying divorce, so it's taken over a year, but it will finally be over next week. I am ready to celebrate my new freedom.

But last week the pieces of a puzzle finally came together, from many comments by my son and someone else who saw him a few weeks ago, I'm pretty sure he is dating again, and it's serious, I think they are moving in together. I am fine with that, I had been pleading to the heavens he would find someone so he could get off my back, I wished for that even when we were together.

But now that he's found someone new, I am angry beyond belief. It's not that I want him back, no, definetly no, the idea irks me. But according to his religious beliefs, he's not supposed to be with anyone for 3 years, and it angers me so much that he can be so relaxed and flexible about his religious beliefs when it's in his interests, and yet he was so strict and controlling and he put me through so much hell with his religious crap, even when I never accepted to be a part of it. Why does he get to live a happy life and I don't? What is he to learn from all of this, that he can be the ubber jerk and be rewarded from it?

I am also angry that he is making my 5 year old keep the secret about his new woman. I just don't think it's right, my son is stressed out and I'm not sure how to approach this since he hasn't admitted to dating again, and he's the type of person that will deny everything and attack in retaliation.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would just focus on making sure your son is ok, and helping him through his feelings. Counting on closure/proper treatment from your STBX isn't going to happen. He was an ass-hat when you were married to him, he'll continue to be one when you're divorced. So just try to ignore his pile of issues. Easier said than done, I know...

C


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Focus on what is best for the kids and for yourself in your future. Sounds like you are still letting what this guy does get to you. Need to shut that door and move forward.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I hope venting helped..albeit just a little.

Focus on you and the children. I would, though, let your son know that he doesn't have to keep Daddy's secrets....he can always come to you with ANYTHING.

It's really important, predators also use secrets to gain control...so I've always made it a point to let my child know he can come to me with anything, anyone wants you to keep a secret from me (unless it's a gift lol) then the first thing you need to do is tell me and we'll figure out the best way for you AND me to respond. If anyone says or does something that makes your tummy feel weird....let mommy know. 

Don't confront your STBXH - what's the use? Won't make anything better for you. He's a rat. He is hypocritical. Won't change a thing by confrontation. Also, don't be surprised that all his religious zealots will probably welcome her with open arms..be prepared to feel like WTF contradictions will abound. Sucks..but it's life. Be so very glad you are almost final.

Remember, the best revenge is living your life the best way you can and being happy!


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Been in a similar boat. I'm not dating, but then again. I'm not necessarily looking. Ex meanwhile is on her second guy that I know of. After she left saying she would "not date for years".

My point in saying that. Is that when people treat you like garbage, and don't respect you. What makes you think they are actually telling you the truth? Facts are facts. They hardly ever will tell the truth and if they do, it will be a twisted version of it. 

Love your children, be there for them. If you can date for yourself do it. I may try it soon. But i'm trying to enjoy being single. It's amazing this journey called life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hope4family said:


> Been in a similar boat. I'm not dating, but then again. I'm not necessarily looking. Ex meanwhile is on her second guy that I know of. After she left saying she would "not date for years".


She was just as sincere about that as she was about everything else.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l'd forget about him seeing someone else if you don't want him , what's it matter what he is then , he's his problem ?
But the son stuffs just wrong , that's where it does matter very much, that's gotta stop and right now or it'll just mess the poor little fella up soooo much .

Don't think you should even bother trying to ask him if he is seeing someone but instead just say , if you are around our son and expecting him to keep secrets you are messing him up and that has to stop around him , it is too soon and it has to stop around him .
Tell him his life's he's business now you don't care but it can't mess up your son .

And happiness , yeah l wonder how that one works too , it seems so fkd !
But hey ev en if he is with om or marries or something , with what he's been going through it has to hit the fan later for sure.
And by then you'll be the one with real long term happiness , bet on it !


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

I want to tell you Dustball. That you got to learn that all that matters is the person in the mirror. Worrying about your ex's happiness, doesn't and shouldn't mean anything to you. 

Reassure your children. Love them. Do your best to protect them. Re-assure your kids that you love them. Try and always be just a phone call away.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Unique Username said:


> I hope venting helped..albeit just a little.
> 
> Focus on you and the children. I would, though, let your son know that he doesn't have to keep Daddy's secrets....he can always come to you with ANYTHING.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

My ex made my daughter keep lots of secrets, including all of his extra visits to school and daycare and his plans to file for custody. So being vigilant may be necessary. 

However, I put my daughter at ease when she looked conflicted one day when I asked her about her weekend, saying "Daddy told me not to tell".

I told her that I didn't need to know anything about what went on at her Dad's house and that I only wanted to know she had a good time and hear about the fun stuff that they did; not anything private or personal about her Dad. I stopped even asking her if she had fun at Dad's house this weekend and/or any conversation that might put her in the position of having to lie. And I told her that there was nothing going on at my house that she had to keep secret. She tells me what she wants about her weekends/weeks with him now.

This really helped. I hated that I couldn't ask her about her weekend but if it kept her from having to choose to tell me or follow her father's wishes, then that's OK. I'd rather have open dialog but that wasn't an option.

He was always very private/secretive and often used the phrase "need-to-know basis" - and I'm sure I'm not one who needs to know according to him! It was the secretiveness that gave the abuse the power it had over me so now I'm very much a TMI person. So liberating after having to hide so much for so long.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Conrad said:


> She was just as sincere about that as she was about everything else.


Funny. She said that just after looking at wedding rings. 

Now I know she wasn't thinking about marrying me.......


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## Dustball (May 16, 2012)

You guys are right, I've been focusing too long on him, and it is sad that I do this even after I am free from his grip. It annoys me to no end that he is dragging a 5 year old into secrets, and, Unique, as soon as you made a point about predators, I felt a rock hit my stomach. You are right, this is even worse than I thought.

Other than that, the kids are adjusting nicely, they are smiling again, and that makes me so happy.

Venting did help a lot. I am doing better now. I just felt like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum because I want chocolate at 3am, and this chocolate is an apology from him. But like a 3 year old, I know I'm not gonna get my chocolate, so it's time to close this book (which isn't even mine) and start reading my own new book.

You guys are wonderful.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Forget reading. 

You are the author!


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## Dustball (May 16, 2012)

I love this.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Dustball said:


> I am angry beyond belief. It's not that I want him back, no, definetly no, the idea irks me. But according to his religious beliefs, he's not supposed to be with anyone for 3 years, and it angers me so much that *he can be so relaxed and flexible about his religious beliefs when it's in his interests*, and yet he was so strict and controlling and he put me through so much hell with his religious crap, even when I never accepted to be a part of it.


Classic Jerk.
Do what I say, don't do what I do.


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