# Money and household labor issue- need advice



## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Hello all,I've registered here 'cuz I need some advice , and hope that I could help others out as well. 
My wife and I get on pretty well, but recently I have been having some problems with her. She's disabled and receives Social Security. I work 40 -50 hours a week. We have some old debt, and some very recent medical debt cuz she's had surgery whch she is still recovering from. No credit cards or car payments, no cable bill, we live as cheap as we can. The problem is this... I've found it impossible to get the kind of help from her that I expect in a marriage partnership. I work and make most of the money, I come home from work,and the house is a wreck everyday. I have to do dishes, laundry,all the housecleaning. Her medical condition keeps her from doing some of this, and I have no problem with that. I also have to deal with her ex husband about her child support. I have to discipline and handle most things with my stepson. She wont make sure her son (7 years old) does the things we both have agreed he should do (chores,follow house rules).I also wind up doing the checkbook, I cant get her to write what she spends in the checkbook, I also fix whatever needs fixing. She spends 8 hours a day on the dang computer, and watching TV at the same time. She does do the shopping and driving the kid to school each morning, and she also cooks a meal most days, its not like I have to do it all, but pretty dang near all. Her condition makes things tougher for her, but its not in any way totally disabling. I dont expect her to do anything she shouldnt be doing, but I dont see any reason why she cant get the mail each morning,maybe try to make us some more money on her computer, make sure the kid does what he's supposed to do, etc. I dont mind doing the stuff she cant, but I feel she should be doing everything she's capable of. Every time I try to talk to her about this, it turns into a screaming match.
Its getting to the point where lots of things arent getting done, cuz I simply have no time left after doing the basics.I'm going to have to put in more hours at work, as the medical bills will be coming soon. I dont see how I can keep this up much longer, cuz I'll be at work 14 hours a day soon. I love my wife very much , but this is driving me nuts.I dont know what to do, but I do know I'm going to lose my cool if something doesnt change soon. Am I wayyy off base here? Or are my feeling and expectations in this situation valid? Any advice would be greatly appreciated .Thanks


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

At some point in my life I came to realize that you can only do so much and what you can't do, you can't let it bother you.

Do what you can, especially the things she can't do. If she can wash the dishes but chooses not to, let the dishes sit there.

If she won't write what she has spent in the check book, don't giver her the check book/ATM card.

Figure out what you think you should/can be handling and the rest will have do be done by someone else (or not done).


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

How does it wind up in a shouting match? I would be curious to know what her point of view is in these discussions.

In the final analysis, it comes down to limit setting, though this is the toughest case I have seen. You can't MAKE her get off her butt and do stuff. But you can set limits on what you are willing and able to do. And let the chips fall where they may.

Decide what your housework and child rearing priorities are. For instance your evening priorities might be throwing in a load of laundry, laying out the following day's outfits, prepping your breakfast and lunch for the following day.

You should not be picking up after her. You should not be picking up after any household children (whose they are is irrelevant) that are old enough to pick up after themselves. You should not be making lunches for children old enough to do it themselves. You should not be doing their laundry. 

Your morning priorities might be throwing the night before's laundry into the dryer and getting out the door.

You make up a little organized and prioritized set of things you are willing to do. Since you are not the maid, you don't owe her laundry, picking up after her... Not being a jerk, but you just have to prioritize your time. (Assuming she is physically capable of doing the things you are not going to do. You are not trying to be unhelpful, just setting boundaries.)

She can CHOOSE to sit in front of the computer all day. But in so doing, SHE is choosing to have a pig sty house. You are gonna have to grit your teeth and deal for sometime. Only after some time is she gonna wake up and smell the coffee or if you are going to have to get more serious about things....

Anyway that is what I did and it worked for me. Slowly but surely DH started really SEEING what it took to keep a house and kids. And slowly but surely he started stepping up. I hope that is how it goes for you.

S


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mind if I ask what her disability is?

My wife has Fibro and Chronic Fatigue syndrome so I can relate.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> She can CHOOSE to sit in front of the computer all day. But in so doing, SHE is choosing to have a pig sty house. You are gonna have to grit your teeth and deal for sometime. Only after some time is she gonna wake up and smell the coffee or if you are going to have to get more serious about things....S


There's great advice here, but I wouldn't count on her waking up and smelling the coffee. My husband is just like this and things will not be done forever. The only difference we have is the children in the relationship are mine so I deal with them. I'm still trying to decide if I can live in his standard of clean in regards to the things (ha ha one thing!) I have refused to do or if I'm going to "get more serious about things." 

I hope things work out for you. 

Edited to add: In my experience, letting things go hoping she'll wake up and do it just makes things worse. Things pile up until I can't stand it and then its 20 times more work to make it livable again. It causes me a lot more stress. Personally, I'm just plugging along doing everything but the trash that is overflowing on the floor most of the time... ewwww But unless I want to leave it is what it is. You can't make people change.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AWife said:


> There's great advice here, but I wouldn't count on her waking up and smelling the coffee. My husband is just like this and things will not be done forever.


I don't understand this. He just wears fowl dirty clothes? How can he fail to notice the lack of clean clothes and his stuff dumped in a basket?



> The only difference we have is the children in the relationship are mine so I deal with them. I'm still trying to decide if I can live in his standard of clean in regards to the things (ha ha one thing!) I have refused to do or if I'm going to "get more serious about things."
> 
> I hope things work out for you.
> 
> ...


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I don't understand this. He just wears fowl dirty clothes? How can he fail to notice the lack of clean clothes and his stuff dumped in a basket?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AWife said:


> > Just because someone notices something does not mean they will do anything about it.
> >
> > I do his laundry if it finds its way into the hamper in the laundry room. With a house full of kids I'm doing laundry all the time anyway. I don't put his clothes away tho.
> 
> ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AWife said:


> Just because someone notices something does not mean they will do anything about it.
> 
> I do his laundry if it finds its way into the hamper in the laundry room. With a house full of kids I'm doing laundry all the time anyway. I don't put his clothes away tho.
> 
> ...


Wondering if this means you give in before he feels the consequences...???


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Wondering if this means you give in before he feels the consequences...???


That was my wonder as well.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

Yes and no.

I gave in on the dishes because I have kids in the house that can't live that way. With him not working, I can't afford to bring home take out every night. 

His messes from throughout the house go into the growing pile in the bedroom.

I do his laundry because that's easier for me than making sure both machines are empty 24/7. I have 4 kids (3 small) still at home and laundry is constantly going. 

I work on my own cars because I have a long commute and someone has to. The rest of the yard and outside stuff... If I need something outside cleaned up I load his crap in a wheelbarrel and dump it in the garage. I have my own tools that I hide because I can never find his or ours. 

Everything else, no.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AWife said:


> Yes and no.
> 
> I gave in on the dishes because I have kids in the house that can't live that way. With him not working, I can't afford to bring home take out every night.
> 
> His messes from throughout the house go into the growing pile in the bedroom.


Ew. At that point I would strongly consider bagging it all up and bringing it to the curb. Ok seriously. I would strongly consider bagging him up and bringing him to the curb. That is just yucky.



> I do his laundry because that's easier for me than making sure both machines are empty 24/7.


Why would you need to do that? If he leaves a load in the washer, dump in in the basket/floor. Out of your way. His mess is not your problem.



> I have 4 kids (3 small) still at home and laundry is constantly going.


My kids 10 and 8 have started to do their own. Good times!


> I work on my own cars because I have a long commute and someone has to. The rest of the yard and outside stuff... If I need something outside cleaned up I load his crap in a wheelbarrel and dump it in the garage. I have my own tools that I hide because I can never find his or ours.
> 
> Everything else, no.


Geesh. Some people.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

Out it all goes to the garage!

Sadly - the garage is full of crap I've already thrown in there.


if he is actively working to subvert limit setting, then you have a different problem.

Yes I do. And nothing I do changes it. I've accepted that and now need to decide where to go from here. There are some people who are just plain lazy and willing to live in really gross living conditions. Nothing can change that. Oh and no, his solution was not to buy paper dishes as he cannot afford that!


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

I would strongly consider bagging him up and bringing him to the curb. That is just yucky.

Hmmmm... I wonder how much extra the trash company would charge me??? ha ha ha

Edited to add: Unfortunately the laundry room is the main entrance used to the house. There really is no place to throw a pile of wet clothes that isn't in the way.

The laundry I really don't mind tho as long as it is in the hamper. It the rest of it!!!

Poor OP... Hyjacked his post!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

That is likely illegal. Drat.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AWife said:


> Unfortunately the laundry room is the main entrance used to the house. There really is no place to throw a pile of wet clothes that isn't in the way.


How about in his favorite comfy chair, or his side of the bed? Even better, on top of his head.

Sounds like you are still meeting just enough of his needs...


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

Sounds like you are still meeting just enough of his needs... 

That's pretty easy in our situation. He has pretty low standards these days. Unfortunately, completely going on strike just causes more problems and stress for me while he remains oblivious to his surroundings. 

It is what it is until I decide to walk away.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AWife, I hate to say it, but that is a yahbut. Yahbut I can't do what it takes. Yabut ... You have decided not to do what it would take. Don't say you did then yabut why it did not work. You decided to take on the work and not let him feel the effects. Fine. But recognize that is what you are doing. There are ways to mitigate for you while still ensuring he feels the effects. You have chosen not to do them.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

You have chosen not to do them. 

I have chosen not to make myself more miserable. I have also chosen or rather decided that my husband is an adult and should behave as such. I've been talking for years. I think six months of "letting him feel the effects" was long enuf. If he didn't get it in that amount of time he's not going to get it. I should not have to suffer to prove a point to him because he wants to act like a 3 year old. I have enough stress in my life.  

I’m glad your suggestions worked for you BUT they may not work for everyone. Everyone here gives ideas on what worked for them and what has not worked for them. Based on such little information, you have no idea what I have and have not done. Just FYI, I don’t think my husband would care if he had egg mcmuffin on his shoes or his clothing for that matter. We are dealing with completely different people with different issues.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AWife said:


> You have chosen not to do them.
> 
> I have chosen not to make myself more miserable. I have also chosen or rather decided that my husband is an adult and should behave as such. I've been talking for years. I think six months of "letting him feel the effects" was long enuf. If he didn't get it in that amount of time he's not going to get it. I should not have to suffer to prove a point to him because he wants to act like a 3 year old. I have enough stress in my life.
> 
> I’m glad your suggestions worked for you BUT they may not work for everyone. Everyone here gives ideas on what worked for them and what has not worked for them. Based on such little information, you have no idea what I have and have not done. Just FYI, I don’t think my husband would care if he had egg mcmuffin on his shoes or his clothing for that matter. We are dealing with completely different people with different issues.


Just going on what you wrote. I wish you the best.


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## cntrygrlkk (Dec 13, 2010)

My husband is the same way. He treats me as his maid. I am a stay at home mom of two, a 3 year old and a 9 month old and I am a full time student. I do what I can, my house isn't the cleanest but I don't have any help either. He could pick up after himself or put some laundry in the machine, or wash a dish or two. Instead he expects me to do everything and when he gets home from work he should be able to sit and do nothing cuz hes been working all day. Well what about me, my job goes on all day from the time I get up until I go to sleep but he doesn't see it that way. He doesn't help me with the children and he sits and waits for me to fix dinner instead of taking the iniative to start it himself. 

I understand that you wife may be disabled and recovering from surgery but she should at least take the iniative to do something. If she can sit in front of the tv or computer all day then she could do the checkbook, pay bills, or even fold the laundry. After I gave birth to my daughter I thought I would have some help. I did not! I was still having to tote laundry up and down the stairs, really nothing changed I still had everything to do and take care of a newborn. 

There have been some really good strategies listed, if you can deal with leaving things a mess until she finally gets it I'd try it. I've tried but I just can't stick with it for too long. I mean with two young children in the house I can't let it get that dirty.

But I am definitely thinking about not doing his laundry anymore and just throwing it in a separate basket. I feel as if he has time to sit on his a** or go out and get drunk and come home whenever he feels like it then he should have plenty of time to do his laundry.


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