# love him but . . . .



## wifenursemom (Feb 17, 2012)

Wow what a great forum!!

Background: We've been married for 15+ years and have two school aged kids. He's a really good guy with a good heart, is true to our family.

When we got married we agreed I'd be a stay at home mom and he agreed to finish his schooling. He was about 6 months away from finishing his masters in engineering but for one reason or another he did not finish it. I urged him and begged him to finish it, apply to another school or something, but he said he had his chance and it wasn't meant to be. My family member found him a decent job that he still has, but you can only move up so much in this company.

I worked full time for the first few years of marriage, then was a stay at home mom for several years while our kids were young. We had a very tight budget with very little wiggle room, and pretty much no savings after one child got very sick for a few years.

My husband has a history of taking off days here and there to work on professional educational classes to better his career but they never get finished. He gets all excited, talks about what a great job he can get after he finishes, and then they never get finished. This has gone on for years. My husband took a whole week off work last month to finish his latest course, but got very little done on it. He found time to put in a raised garden, take his car for an optional servicing that could have waited a couple months, and took the kids to a cultural event.

I realized at some point in our marriage that he would never probably finish what he started and we would never better ourselves financially on his income.

I decided to take matters into my own hands. I was able to get a *full scholarship* to nursing school and walked away from nursing school debt free. I graduated last year with a 3.8 GPA in the fast track program. That while still taking care of a lot of the housework and mothering our two kids, one of whom has special needs. I worked very, very hard.

I was hired for a good hospital job about 6 months ago. :smthumbup: Now that we have that second income, we've been able to pay off all dept except the house and starting to put money away into savings-- something we have not been able to do before. 

He gets upset because I am often too tired to cook every night, help with homework, etc. and expect him to do a lot of that on my work days. He complains about the dinners I throw together, and then fixes his own dinner. I mean, I work 12 hour days and pick up extra shifts when I can. I am no spring chicken either. Because of my salary we can pay for one child's new braces, piano lessons, a twice monthly gardener (he never has done yard work and I was doing it), and other things that we need to take care of without going into debt. I have managed to save about half of my new salary! 

Tonight was another talk from him of "I supported you through school by taking the child/housework burden off of you-- now can you do the same for me?

I am not sure how to tell him in a nice way that

1) I went back to school because I knew I could not depend on him being motivated to ever make more of his career than it is right now. I would much rather have not had to take on a second career at my age-- a physically and mentally demanding one at that, with 12 hour days-- and I work nights because that's what the new grads usually work. I am slightly bitter that he never worked harder and kept *his* promise to advance his career. 

2) I will not and cannot for my own mental and physical health continue to go along and support his efforts of his courses. How do I put my foot down on this without really hurting our marriage and him using my lack of support as an excuse not to succeed?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*How do I put my foot down on this without really hurting our marriage and him using my lack of support as an excuse not to succeed?*
This is a difficult one. My only suggestion is to have your point validated by someone else. Going to MC may sound like youre on your way to divorce but maybe someone else.


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## wifenursemom (Feb 17, 2012)

Divorce or separation is not even on the table . . . it's just that our marriage is certainly not where it could be. Our kids would be so hurt by us separating, and we really are good partners when it comes to child rearing and we share so many values and interests. 

We tried counseling one time-- it lasted two sessions. Husband is very private and didn't want to talk about our problems with a "stranger." He also didn't do any of the reading or homework that was suggested-- his problem is not finishing thing so this was not a huge surprise. He said he didn't have time.

I'm resigned to how he is, but I just don't like being pushed into a corner on this. He didn't take his chance at an education, and there is no potential for him to finish anything based on a long track record. I accepted this and stopped trying to change him and went back to school myself instead. 

I don't want to tell him that I don't have any faith in his ability to finish what he starts and will not support him anymore, period. He felt threatened with my hiring of the gardeners and promised once again to do the yard work himself. He never does it for long-- we've had that argument before, too. Basically, he's all talk, and I do believe he has good intentions. Just loses momentum and never does what he intends to or promises to. 

The raised garden he put in during his week that he was supposedly taking his course for example- I started that garden many years ago when he said we should put in a raised garden and plant veggies together-- it would be fun. We picked the spot and since it was planting season I just dug the earth out and planted stuff. We had wood but he never cut it up to make the frame. It rotted. I ended up doing the entire garden all summer while he literally enjoyed the fruits of my labors. I gave up on the garden when I went back to school and it just sat there. Then a coworker brought in stuff from her garden, and suddenly he's ordering and installing a pre-made raised garden kit. However it's just sitting-- no dirt has been bought to put in it and the watering system is not done. I suspect it will stay like that for another long period of time . . . I don't even care about the garden anymore. It's his project.

I also told him that there are many people who put their minds to something and do it no matter what the obstacles. I went to school with single parents who were working and going to school and supporting their kids, for example. If he believes in it he will find a way to do it. And this is where he says that it's because of my lack of support that he can't finish things. Goes round and round. I wish it could just be dropped. It is what it is and he won't change.

This is of course affecting other areas of our marriage too and causing tension and cold shoulders and a lot of wasted time that we could be enjoying our partnership. Wish we could just get past this and enjoy life. We have worked hard and deserve to just let this go and enjoy what we have.

Thanks for listening.


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## wifenursemom (Feb 17, 2012)

sricky990 said:


> yeah..but i am talking about the future. This behavior doesn't lead to a better future. It seems that you are together just because of your children..:corkysm60:


Sometimes it does feel that way .. . 

I love my home and my neighborhood. There is no way financially that divorce would be a good option. He's not abusive. He can be quite loving at times (for example baked me home-made brownies for Valentines Day). He's just a bump on a log sometimes. Thankfully I feel very fulfilled at my job and being a mom to my kids. I am generally happy and I don't want to complicate things. I just wish our marriage lived up to its potential.

I didn't marry him for his money or his potential money, but I do expect that we will both do our best to improve our financial situation within reason. He is one of those people that's just satisfied with the status quo and too lazy/unmotivated/not confident enough to go forward. I see him living his days out just as he is. And still making promises that success is just around the corner for him, after he takes one more course and finds his dream job.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

One thing that really has made our marriage work well is neither of us have any expectations of one another. We never have. I am a SAHM, but I'm now disabled after breaking my neck a few years ago. I'm unable to work and unable to collect disability. I'm homebound due to the pain. Not having any expectations from me has really been helpful. My husband and I are very supportive of each other. One thing though, you shouldn't hold grudges from the past. If his goals and dreams are within reason, I'd say go for it. Life's too short to live miserably if you can help it. It's a tough call. Good luck with whatever happens. My husband and I do prefer the more simple lifestyle. We are both very laid back and happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifenursemom (Feb 17, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> One thing that really has made our marriage work well is neither of us have any expectations of one another. [/size]


I'm sorry for your accident. :-( And I'm very sorry you can't get disability for it. 

I really don't like living paycheck to paycheck. That part of being an at home mom really bothered me and it worried both of us a lot. I feel more secure with a cushion in the bank in case something happens. Or even just to be able to afford something nice once in awhile like my daughter's piano lessons which give her a lot of joy.

I am a very forgiving person-- apologies mean that the person won't do that thing again. I feel that he's blaming me for his lack of success, is threatened by my success, and is complaining that now that I'm working, it's a bigger burden on him to do household things. When I was an at home mom, the burden was on me to make our budget work, and now that I'm bringing home good money, he feels that I am leaving him with more than his share of housework and cooking and childcare. And then he feels bad that I'm working and decides to try to improve his career through some more classes . . and it just goes around and around. Ugh.

I would be happy to forgive and move on and drop this whole thing. Just accept that he will work his current job forever. And he has to accept that I have to work, too, and we should make the best of it.


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## wifenursemom (Feb 17, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> The next time he wants to take additional classes to improve his knowledge and skills.
> I would try and get him to agree on some conditions with you.
> 
> 
> ...


I really like this idea! Thanks!


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## wifenursemom (Feb 17, 2012)

sricky990 said:


> @wifenursemom, it means both of you wants to improve your relationship, that's a good sign. But one thing that i will suggest you to keep your expectations low...


I am starting to realize that I do have to just let go of the expectations. I need to stop letting myself get caught up in his hype over the next dream that he has, and bring him down to earth and focus on that day only. I think we are both missing the forest for the trees.

Thanks again for listening and letting me think through this. I still am not sure how I will respond when he asks me again to support his next class or once again help him with his resume for the job he will never apply for, but I'm thinking about it. Gotta go catch some ZZZ's for work tonight. I'll be back as soon as I can to catch up with the thread. 

:sleeping:


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

wifenursemom

I have a very simple philosophy in marriage. Pick your battles and pick them very carefully. If the only debt your family has is mortgage debt you are in great shape compared to the rest of the country. I am sure deep down your husband is very proud of you for finishing nursing school and relieving him of some of the financial stress.

Keep in mind that not everyone in life is going to set the world on fire. So you may want to re evaluate your expectations of your husbands success. If your look at the numbers: The US has a 30% high school drop out rate. Only 50% of students entering college end up with a bachelors degree. Your husband has an engineering degree, he is far from being dead wood.

It sounds like you have a great marriage and a great family. Do not sweat the small stuff.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

wifenursemom said:


> Wow what a great forum!!
> 
> Background: We've been married for 15+ years and have two school aged kids. He's a really good guy with a good heart, is true to our family.
> 
> ...


That is a tough spot. I see where both of you need to change your approach here.

First of all, I would lose the "excuse not to succeed" mindset around him. He has a bachelor's degree, which means he has succeeded (last I checked, only about 25% of Americans have one). He's doing better than most other people out there (unless he has a useless degree or is seriously underperforming).

I get that his income cannot meet your lifestyle wants, but that is more an issue of expectations than underperformance. The reality is there is a big gap between what is a (relative to most) good salary and what that lifestyle will provide. You will find that most people cannot support a family of four with a special needs child (I was there so I know how expensive that can be) yet still save, pay for braces, piano lessons, etc. on one income.

Secondly, there are lots of men and women who feel that living on less money is worth the benefits of having one parent at home full time. So while you strive for better economic circumstances, your wants are not better than his, not different.

That being said, you should not support more education at this time. Getting a Master's is different than a B.S. I'm getting an MBA. The classes are seminars rather than lectures and most have a research requirement - if you are not good at that you will not succeed. You need to be aware of your limitations. I am doing really well and have had several professors ask if I had considered a PhD. I said "no" without hesitation. I can certainly do the work but am not interested in 4-5 more years of school.

Switching schools is not likely to help either. My program allows at most 13 units (of 88 total) to be transferred in; the rest have to be repeated. The goal is to prevent school shopping and ensure a certain level of proficiency. So, I would not let him transfer but instead have him get a leave and go back to finish within the time limit (in case his drive to finish returns).

Another thing is that I do applaud you for taking the initiative to get through school with those challenges. But, I would reconsider working lots of hours - particularly optional extra shifts. Many of those things you want are optional, and it's completely reasonable that your husband does not want to be busy from morning until night every day of the week.

Lastly, what kind of career advancement do you expect of him? Are you expecting him to advance into management perhaps? How far do you expect him to go? In most places, once you are a degreed professional generally means moving into management, which means more stress, more hours, and requires a different skill set than what he trained for. Particularly if he is struggling to get through a Master's program, he might not have the skills or aptitude to advance like you want.

At any rate, making significantly more money means more stress and seeing each other (and the kids) much less. I get wanting a certain level of security. But you need to examine why you have such an overwhelming need to acquire wealth at the expense of your family harmony and togetherness.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

One question, and I see your points (very valid) with all the stuff you having going on. My wife works full time too after being a stay at home Mom, so I get it.

That question:

How's your sex life?

How many times in a month do you guys have sex?

Does he initiate more than you? 

Do you turn him down on a regular basis?

Do you ever initiate?

I'm going to guess he's not in the best physical shape either.

Look, we're men. We're pretty damn simple. And I realize many people here might chew my butt for posting this…but I can tell you from personal experience, WRONG OR RIGHT, when a man doesn’t feel physically appreciated and wanted in his marriage, he tends to get stupid, stubborn and he starts keeping score. IT’s funny I just posted something about this on my blog yesterday.

I have a friend, we were co-workers for a long time, and she knew the struggles I’ve had, and still have, in my marriage. She also had her struggles. She told me once several years ago:

“If he would just help out around the house more and fix the stuff he’s been promising too forever, it would make me so happy.”

I told her try this. Just randomly initiate sex with him. Go out of the routine. I told her wake him up one morning in a “creative” way. Just do stuff like this a few times with NO expectations and no asking about this or that getting done.

You might be shocked what gets done around the house.

If he does something or helps out more, don’t tell him thank you. Show him affection.

Remember, we are SIMPLE creatures. Think Pavlov’s dogs.

My friend? The running joke with her and her husband all these years later? She’ll wake him up “creatively” one morning or maybe put on lingerie or simply go to bed naked and ask if he’s coming to bed. After that, he always says (with a smile on his face) “So what needs fixed?”

Sounds like your using sex to get what you want? Don’t think of it that way.

Like I said. Guys are simple. If you make us feel WANTED by you, it fills up our tank. When are tank is full, we feel like doing “man” stuff.

Take it or leave it.

Good luck.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I think your idea to let go of expectations is right. Accept that this is all he is and to make him of force himm to be more just sets you to be disappointed. I've had issues with my wife. She doesn't always finish what she starts. We have other issues too. I want to leave somtimes but I know that is not the answer.

You have the answer already. Let go of your expectations. Encourage him and forgive him internally-let it go.

My wife and I have been best friends for 20 years now. When I learn to let go of the garbage, things fall in place. Even if I don't always like the place. Focus on your career and lead by example. One day, he may get it!


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

needs to stop being selfish he is not thinking of how you are feeling however how often do you have sex?

do you show love to your husband?
do you tell him he is a great man?
do you initiate sex?
do you enjoy the sex?

fix those issues if those are any of the issues and things should workout better if not than he truly is being a little selfish. I think it might be maybe a case and lack of proper communication and maybe lack of sex.


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