# He Opened the Door



## Simply Me (Dec 29, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 15.5 years (married for 10). We developed our relationship at the tender age of 18 and because we were so young we decided to hold off on marriage for a few years to be sure marriage is what we wanted. Five years later we got married and the rest was history. Well, about 1.5 years ago things started going downhill. I was jogging around the park when suddenly my husband accidentally called me with his touch screen phone. I overheard him telling his brother how he met a young lady and went on a couple of dates with her. He even mentioned how he took her over to one of his cousin's house for a get-together. Later that day I confronted him about this and he apologized and assured me it was nothing. Of course, I was not happy about the situation but I put it behind me/us. But, I must admit I have been looking at my husband sideways ever since. 

Early this year my husband starting coming home later and later and spending less time with me. When I confronted him about this he told me that he was only out playing dominoes with the fellas. I explained to him that I am ok with that, but he needs to balance "our" time with "his" time. My husband works from 5am - 2:30p (M-F) and I work from 8am-4pm (M-F). When I get home at 5pm my husband is usually taking a nap and wakes about 5:30-6pm. He awakes, have dinner, ask me how my day was and then he is usually out the door by 7pm to go play dominoes. He then returns home at 10:30pm- 11:30pm. As you can see, not much time was spent with me. I told him that I was getting lonely and I felt that as a married women there should be no reason why I have to go to bed lonely each night. My husband told me that he was only a few blocks away and that he can't help that I go to be at 10pm. So, I tried to make up our time on the weekend by staying home and planning our day. Well, he told me that he works during the week and was not going to spend his weekends at home just because I wanted to stay in. It seemed that he just was not getting the point. It was only a matter of months that I learned to sleep without my husband and as hard as it is for me to mentioned this, I also learned how to please myself. I was learning to live without my husband. 

A few more months of this went by and then in June of this year a women called his phone in the middle of the night for him. Although, my husband pretended he did not know who the woman was she clearly knew who he was, called him by his nickname that my family gave him and she seem puzzled as to why he was pretending not to know her. Suddenly, the women asked him "are you home?" He answered "yes" and within seconds the conversation ended. Do to the lack of attention, intimacy and the now recurring issue of "other women" I began to deal with this issue the best way I knew how. I figured I would somewhat mimic his behavior so that he could see and feel how I felt. I know that this may not have been the best option, but I began to start back hanging out with my girlfriends and coming in late. It looked as if my plan had starting working because my husband suddenly began coming home earlier and many times he didn't leave home at all. Not necessarily to spend time with me, but to watch me. He noted the times I left, the times I returned, commented on the way I dressed, etc. He told me that he "felt second priority". Boom!!! I told him now he see and know how I was feeling for the last year.

Here's the problem. I began to enjoy my newly found freedom. The truth is my husband taught me to leave without him and in a sense began to fall out of love with him. This was the first time I've tasted some type of freedom since I was a teenager and I liked it! Please understand that freedom from my marriage or him was something I never wanted, but he opened the door for me to taste it and I actually like it. In August, we went to counseling. Things seemed to be going well and I wanted to get back on track with him. I was ready to jump back into my marriage and let by-gone's be by-gone's. After all, a 15.5 year relationship was not worth giving up over what had transpired. But during counseling another bomb was dropped. The counselor asked my husband if he ever cheated on me and he said "yes". I was actually prepared to hear this and assumed that it would be one of the two ladies I mentioned earlier, but it wasn't. He said that he cheated on me with another lady 7 years ago because he wanted to try "something new". He said she was mixed with black & Japanese (not sure why he mentioned this). Not, because of something that I wasn't doing, but simply because he wanted to try something new. He told me it was not worth it and he feels miserable because he got from her the same thing he could have gotten at home. )You think?) 

This devastated me because I thought our marriage was perfect 7 years ago and because of the newer incidents with other women I now felt that my husband obviously have a craving deep down inside of him for other women. He told me that he don't understand why I am so upset about something that happened 7 years ago. Its old to him, but new to me... my current reality. I asked him for a separation in September because I am now truthfully confused as to what I really want now. There is a part of me that want to fight for my marriage, but afraid of getting hurt again. I gave him my all and if my all wasn't good enough all this years to keep him from going astray, I don't think my all will be good enough now. I have nothing else to offer him. There is also a part of me that want to run and enjoy "me" for the first time in my adult life. Then, there is a part of me that just want to sit idle, do nothing and let this play out. Another twist, I unexpectedly met someone else. I had no intentions of getting involved with anyone else. I made it clear to my new friend that I was married and he was aware of my situation. My friend was not interested in developing a relationship with me neither as he has been burned in the past by a "rebound' relationship. He started as just being someone to talk to, but it was undeniable chemistry between us. However, we again both agreed that it was best for me to not get involved with him or anyone until an outcome from my separation was made. But, I/we succumbed to the chemistry and connection between us. I must admit, I am highly affectionate about my friend and he seems to be giving me everything (non-sexual) I have not gotten in the last 1.5 years. I am a mess, confused and at this point I think it may be best to walk away from both situations. Please let me know you thoughts! (Keep in mind that 4 kids are involved: 17, 14 who are well aware of what's going on and appears to be not impacted and told me they don't care - they just want mom & dad to be happy rather together or apart. However, 11 & 12 old knows about the separation, but not much else).


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please edit your post and break it up into paragraphs. It's very hard to read a wall of text.


----------



## Simply Me (Dec 29, 2013)

My posting is now in paragraphs for easier reading. I look forward to reading your thoughts/comments regarding my situation. Thanks!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have several things going on here. 

Your husband is a serial cheater. There was not just the one woman 7 years ago. You know of two others. There are most likely more women than that he admits to.

The guy you are seeing now sounds more like a transitional relationship. It might help you bridge the change from married to single, but it doubt this will become a long term relationship. And I really do not think that you are in a good place right now to make a choice of what/who would be a good relationship for you.

Instead this is a time for you to concentrate on your growth. There is some reading that I think would help you.

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. This book will help you realize a lot about the relationship you are having with this new guy. I don't think it will help you with your marriage as I think you have already worked through the two stages that the book suggests.. Plan A and Plan B. But you can decide what you want to do after you read the book.

Another book that I think will help is "His Needs, Her Needs" also by Dr. Harley.

As you grow as a person and learn more about what goes into making a good relationship, I think you will find your way.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Simply Me said:


> My posting is now in paragraphs for easier reading. I look forward to reading your thoughts/comments regarding my situation. Thanks!


Thanks for doing that.


----------



## Simply Me (Dec 29, 2013)

Thanks EleGirl! I will download both books now and hopefully I will find the guidance and clarity I am seeking. I appreciate your comment.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you clarify a few things?

Are you separated right now? Did one of you move out? If so which one?

Who are the children living with?


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You won't be able to reconcile with your H until he is honest with you about his affairs - I agree that it wasn't just one woman 7 years ago. It's obvious there were at least two more, and who knows how many others.

The fact that he wanted to sweep the one affair he admitted to under the rug, shows that he isn't really able to do what you would need him to do in order to recover from the affairs. 

So, basically, reconciling would mean just shutting up and putting up with his behavior without your feelings being taken into account. That will build resentment. Sooner or later, you will leave him or have an affair yourself.

I say work on yourself and getting your own thoughts in order. See a lawyer to understand your rights and responsibilities in a divorce. Do what is best for YOU, because your husband is on some kind of trip of his own with other women.


----------



## Simply Me (Dec 29, 2013)

Yes, we are separated right now. He moved out at my request and the kids live with me. I must mentioned that before I asked him to move out, I gave him the option to sleep in a separate room in our home. After a few weeks of me not sleeping in our bedroom, he finally agreed to sleep in the basement to give me the space I needed. After, two days he was back in our bedroom and told me that he refused to sleep anywhere else in the house because this was his bedroom, too. This only mad me more angry towards him because I was trying to heal and he was not letting me. He continued to walk around our home like everything was okay and he wanted to carry on in the bedroom like a normal marriage. I was not able to, nor willing to accept his "I want to be Mr. Perfect now and pretend nothing ever happened" behavior. And his continuous ranting about how I am the only woman for him (now) became a smack to my face, so I asked him to leave. I asked him to leave because of his behavior, but I also need to take time to figure out what I want to do with my life... professionally, personally, etc. because I have sacrificed and put so much on hold for him/us. This may truly be my only chance to do the things I have always wanted to do but, put on hold because my marriage and all the things associated with marriage were more important.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

I agree with the other poster's comments, and I'll say some things perhaps you already know:

This was his choice, not yours.
You can't make someone love you.
You cannot control his behavior, only he can.
It would be better to end it ALONE and date later. 
You can forgive him if you want if he apologizes and repents but;
Only you can decide what you will do.

Good luck


----------



## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry you have had to endure the pain of your husband's poor decisions. 

Was the one affair 7 yrs ago the only one he admitted to? What was his explanation for the other two women?


----------



## Simply Me (Dec 29, 2013)

Yes, he only admitted to the one 7 years ago. The other two, he stated they were nothing and nothing never happened. Regardless, there was still clear intent on his part to establish some type of relationship with the other two ladies. The woman that called him, he claims that he gave her his number by accident. He stated that she asked for his number, but he wanted to let her down easy so he asked her for her number. He gave her his phone to input her number and while she inputting her phone number she accidentally called herself from his phone. That's how she got his number. Yeah, this is one of the worst lies I ever heard. Regardless, the answer should have been easily "no, I'm married". Why is he concerned with another women's feeling with obvious disregard for mines. So, yes I think he admitted in this particular scenario cheating on me in an non-sexual way.


----------

