# Seperation just turned into a divorce...



## kramber (Oct 30, 2012)

So, we have been separated as she wanted to 'figure things out' and 'have space' for about a month. Last night we talked and as I went to therapy and tried to improve myself, I learned I need her and I'm still totally in love with her. She on the other hand discovered she can be happy without me and is steadfast in that she does not want to be with me.

I've been so low for so long, it wasn't far for me to fall. I took the news rather well. No angry words nor screaming from either of us. I know she's hurting too. I'm thankful she has been honest and hasn't cheated.

I would have never thought I would ask her to leave our house, but I guess she should be the one to get an apartment, since she wanted to separate? I own the house in my name alone. 

This is the hardest thing I have been through as an adult.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm so sorry Kramber. I know exactly how you feel. The stealth-filing happened to me yesterday too ... I should hear about paperwork today. 

Try to find ways to pick yourself up. It may not save this one (but hey, improving yourself can't hurt) but it can and will make you better and more attractive (physically, emotionally(with counseling) and intellectually). I find that intellectually is actually an important one. Read more, take a class if you can(I've always wanted to learn Chinese ... Once my finances are in order, I will) and just keep challenging yourself.

Distraction are key at this point. If you are stuck at home, do something which keeps you from dwelling on things.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

The house is yours , so she must leave if she wants . I'm sorry to hear you're in almost the same situation as I'm but sometimes you need to take of your self. And she'll respect you more if you stand up for your own interest and don't be a wussy .

Don't need to say - get h$% out of here , you can say it nicely .


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

kramber said:


> So, we have been separated as she wanted to 'figure things out' and 'have space' for about a month. Last night we talked and as I went to therapy and tried to improve myself, I learned I need her and I'm still totally in love with her. She on the other hand discovered she can be happy without me and is steadfast in that she does not want to be with me.
> 
> I've been so low for so long, it wasn't far for me to fall. I took the news rather well. No angry words nor screaming from either of us. I know she's hurting too. I'm thankful she has been honest and hasn't cheated.
> 
> ...


Well let her see if the grass is greener go dark on her see if she misses you though there is usually om out there in the mix, just saying.


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## kramber (Oct 30, 2012)

what is 'om' out there?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Other man


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

om = other man
usually an affair partner


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

In this forum, it's "posOM"

"I need space"

"I want to figure things out"

"I think we should separate"

All code words for "I have this new and exciting relationship with posOM and he makes me feel 'young again' - and I want to explore this relationship without any oversight by my husband."


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Yeah. Most of the time is the case. Unfortunately. 

Listen to Conrad. The original OM in my case is gone, but I still suspect. Who throws away 11 years after being / seeming so happy and loving up until TEENS come by and she changes? Yeah, something's still got a hold of her. 

Keep your eyes open etc. I'd do the 180 and go dark. Only talk about things that HAVE to be talked about and if you seem happy with everything like you're moving on, it does usually make a difference. May not swing em back, but lots of times there'll be a response.


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## kramber (Oct 30, 2012)

well, I still don't think there is a posOM. She was sick of going nowhere and me not reacting to things the way she wanted me to, so she said she asked me what I wanted. She agreed to MC, so we are going this Thursday. 

I tend to think she is not committed to working on our relationship though. She seems like she has thought through the situation. For example, when I told her I was upset that I may lose her and our dogs, she immediately replied 'I would let you see the dogs'. Also, the other day she said 'I'm really going to lose some (mutual) friends through all of this'. It seems she's assuming we'll divorce. 

I'm at a point where I can wake up and get out of bed better and I'm not crying as much, but I'm still very depressed and miserable. She was everything to me. I am also starting to develop some animosity towards her. 

My IC told me I shouldn't kick her out or make any rash decisions just yet. I guess I'll learn more during our MC session this Thursday, then I'm traveling for work for over a week, so that will be a good distraction.

I have never been confused before like this. I keep emoting to her and telling her how I feel, but it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. Oh, and as far as a posOM, I texted her this past week when she was gone one evening asking her where she was and asking her to come back home to her family (me and our dogs), she got very angry. It turns out she was getting her hair done at a mutual friend's place. If she were cheating, she would tell me. 

This has been two months with no intimacy and no support. She was my family. I'm really confused.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Congrats on at least getting to try MC Kramber. You have a tough road ahead, but at least if thing don't work out you'll have gotten some good info out of that and will know you did everything you could to save your marriage.

Most of us have significant others who were already to checked out to try before the D word was brought up.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I want to address some things for you, maybe give you some direction on this. 

1. you don't need her, you like her company, enjoy her as a partner but you don't need her. That is a fallacy and comes across poorly from her eyes. If anything that kind of thinking with push her futher away.
2. Display a confident, forward thinking version of you. Even when you aren't feeling good, do your best. Confidence and happiness is self driven. Go to the gym, get in better shape, it is a natural anti-depressent. 
3. Stop worrying about what she's up to, don't check in with her as much don't chase around looking for her. She's an adult and if she has or had another man, chasing will drive her further away.
4. Counseling should be as much about preping yourself to be alone as it is about fixing the "us" factor. You made a life together, yes. However you can make a new life beyond her. 

I speak from experience of a suddent divorce that it's hard however getting emotionally stable is a must. If you want to save it you got to become ok with losing it.


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## kramber (Oct 30, 2012)

Thanks for the comments everyone.


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