# Man Cave....



## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok for those who have read my first post you know my story for the most part. Even that I have made some small progress with my wife considering the massive distance between us at the moment. However a new development via email is developing. I have a "Man Cave" recently done. Its nothing special just the spare bedroom with my stuff set up. However I still respect it as a guest room and will fold down the futon for company without complaint. 

My W feels this room is a way for me to ignore her, and hide from our marriage. To me it means no such thing. I have alot of interest and things that she doesn't want around the house. I respect that. A fake skull in a cage hanging from the ceiling fan in the living room is not family friendly. All I wanted was a room to be myself. She says she is not home so I don't need it. This was the original plan for the spare room. Never got to it because her brother lived with us. We agreed on it when we moved in. Why the sudden change? All of my things have been sitting in boxes since we were married. Collecting dust in the attic. She has thrown out about 200 comics. May not seem like a big deal but some of them I got when i was young. There is a sentimental value. 

This to me is a place where i can be myself and do my own thing. A place to hide sometimes yes. Not from her though. Ok well yes when she has her girlfriends over and they have the karaoke machine going. Its not all skulls though. I have several flags from other countries and a large print of London at night. I enjoy having a place to call my own. Yet now she says i am being selfish...I have hung all her decorations that she bought or already had throughout the house. Is it so bad to ask for one room to call my own to display the things I have that I enjoy? Its also a place for when I have a few guys over we aren't taking up the living room when she wants to watch her shows.

So is this just another one of her issues or am I being selfish? I have no pics of women on the walls in fact the only picture of a woman in this room is one of her and I on our honeymoon. Need some input.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Not selfish at all. Everyone knows that the house belongs to the wife. Her colors, furniture, wall decorations, etc. We men often get some input on that stuff, but it's hers.
A man cave is just our little area that we can decorate in in tasteless guy fashion.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

DanF said:


> Not selfish at all. Everyone knows that the house belongs to the wife. Her colors, furniture, wall decorations, etc. We men often get some input on that stuff, but it's hers.
> A man cave is just our little area that we can decorate in in tasteless guy fashion.


Sad but true!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Is the house put under her name or both names?
I think that matters. If you bought it before meeting your wife, she has less complaints on what you wanna do in YOUR property.
If she has put her money in it, she's gonna be very noisy to show you who's the boss in here.
So it's not a very wise idea to marry a woman who is the boss and owns everything, house, car, and you in the marriage; however, if he's happy to be her yes man, no problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I did live here first. Primarily in my name. She moved in after we were married.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Irish1985 said:


> Ok for those who have read my first post you know my story for the most part. Even that I have made some small progress with my wife considering the massive distance between us at the moment. However a new development via email is developing. I have a "Man Cave" recently done. Its nothing special just the spare bedroom with my stuff set up. However I still respect it as a guest room and will fold down the futon for company without complaint.
> 
> My W feels this room is a way for me to ignore her, and hide from our marriage. To me it means no such thing. I have alot of interest and things that she doesn't want around the house. I respect that. A fake skull in a cage hanging from the ceiling fan in the living room is not family friendly. All I wanted was a room to be myself. She says she is not home so I don't need it. This was the original plan for the spare room. Never got to it because her brother lived with us. We agreed on it when we moved in. Why the sudden change? All of my things have been sitting in boxes since we were married. Collecting dust in the attic. She has thrown out about 200 comics. May not seem like a big deal but some of them I got when i was young. There is a sentimental value.
> 
> ...


I don't think it is a big deal, you just want a place of your own. It is like having a hobby, as long as it is healthy, the wife should support it instead of feeling threatened by it. 

Just don't spend too much time in your man cave. I don't like it when my husband is not with me. When you are in a same house, but not in a same room, to me, it means we are not together. 

Your wife can spend time with you in your man cave too, listen to music together, and have sex....................... So make you man cave sex friendly!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

The big mistake my older brother made is he bought a marital home and put under his wife's name.
Of course you will see now the house is her colour, furniture and rules of where you put things.
If you break her house rules, she will poke you until you put it back to the right place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I agree GP. I am making it sex friendly. I don't intend to spend too much time in here. She is only home for 2 weeks before she is gone again for 7 months. I want to spend the time with her. I just enjoy having a place to be me is all. She is more than welcome in here at any time. I just don't understand why she is so defensive. i have explained to her that she is welcome in here.

She just doesn't like it. I don't understand. There is nothing bad in here that a wife could say is inappropriate.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Irish1985 said:


> I did live here first. Primarily in my name. She moved in after we were married.


Then I don't see why you shouldn't have a man cave of keeping and displaying your own things.
Sorry! She keeps bugging you because she doesn't think respecting you is necessary.
But you have to respect her girls things and party of course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you ML. This cave is not just about me. Its about her space too. Whether its just her or with her friends. Its a place that we can both have space. I have my 1 room she has the rest of the house. Yet if she wants to join me in here thats fine. I do have one rule. No complaining in the cave LMAO!!!!


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I did notice something funny....Since the Man Cave has been done its been mainly the women giving the comments LMAO. Alot of good comments.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I agree with GP, as a wife, we want to support our husband's interests, childhood collections and hobbies.
It's much better than sinking himself in stripclubs, being alcoholic, drug abusive, or porn addictive...
I have no problems to show my appreciation to my husband's interests and collections. They're his memories and they mean something special in his life.
If we have a spare room and he wants to make it a man cave or even there's no spare room but he wants a corner that belongs to him. I have no issues with that. 
I have my closet and cabinets, drawers, full of my own stuffs, handbags, cosmetic, and girly stuffs. He doesn't mind it.
He gave my daughter her own bedroom, with good furnishing to decorate whatever she wants.
I think a man's heart is much bigger and kinder. 
Most men don't calculate small things that are yours or mine when most women would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I agree. i have had the convo about World of warcraft. She hates it. Yet I am not one of those who plays it all day every day. I play when the mood strikes. All I have to say is what do you want. A man where you know where he is or a man who is always at the bar. Your choice. She has the whole house besides this room. She needs to get over it


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

"Men cave" sounds cute that's why I came to comment. 
From your thread, I realise my husband has a much bigger heart for he doesn't really have a man cave but a corner for his studies but I'm using it, too! With few drawers to store his things and his few paintings on the wall.
I'm using the most drawers in the bedroom!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Irish,

Don't know if you can use my husband's method. 

We have a small apartment, only two bedrooms and a big living room, my husband doesn't want me to decorate it too girly, he said no pink stuff, and he said if I want to decorate our apartment with girly stuff, he will put swords and knives in it, so in the end, we have to decorate our apartment the way which we both agree, neutral! 

Yes, she has to get over with it, you have to stand on your ground, men shouldn't give in to women's whining. She can't always have her way. A man with his own personality is more interesting than a man who always says yes to his woman.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

I think it's essential for men to have a place of their own in their house. I've always had an office, but really neglected it and it was a disaster for most of our marriage. With this latest episode with my wife (going on about week 6), as part of my recovering from being a Mr. Nice Guy I got down into my office and cleaned up and installed a nice stereo that wasn't being used and I'm starting to hang some pictures and I'm spending a lot more time down there. I'm not being distant and sitting down there surfing the web and playing games while she is cleaning the house or something like that. It's a place to go and get work done or if I need some space away from her (and the kids) for a while. It's just one of those boundaries, this is my space, you can come in but you can't mess with it!


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Yes, yet however now that I have my "Cave" she wants one of her own. Which is no big deal other than the fact that we are out of rooms and don't have a basement. She posts nice things about it on FB about how much she likes it but tells me she hates it. Ugh...Shes gonna be the death of me.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Irish1985 said:


> Yes, yet however now that I have my "Cave" she wants one of her own. Which is no big deal other than the fact that we are out of rooms and don't have a basement. She posts nice things about it on FB about how much she likes it but tells me she hates it. Ugh...Shes gonna be the death of me.


She already has her own. Your bedroom is hers, your living room is hers, your kitchen is hers, your bathroom is hers! As other posters said, the house is woman's. I doubt that your bedroom is decorated as what you would like! 

She is just trying to make you feel guilty by telling you she doesn't like your man cave. If you seduce her there and make love to her there, it is a different place for your guys to have sex! We can't always have sex in the bedroom, more variety is more interesting!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Irish, the man cave is a red herring. If she's complaining about it, there is a different issue that isn't being addressed. That or she is emotionally immature, doesn't really love or respect you, and is controlling you because she wants to mould you into her perfect little husband image and all you really are is a security object, not a person.

It's a cliche that after a woman marries she goes about trying to remake the man by systematically purging his hobbies and boyhood possessions. I personally find those types of woman incredibly obnoxious.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Yes I feel it is a control issue. She does not like my hobbies. She wont show interest. I don't care if she juts pretended to be interested. It would still be nice. She also doesn't like that she isn't allowed to decorate it. She has the whole house LMAO!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

In that case, you need to come down on this swiftly and firmly. It's not a matter of whether it's fair or not. TAKE the room and do what you want. If she ever tosses your stuff out again, go toss out the couch.

Just be prepared for some short term conflict. 

Giving up your self for a woman isn't worth it.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Or, if she persists in trying to remaking you, you can start to remake her by demanding she get a boob job, lose 20lbs, and start to act like a porn star in the bedroom.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Yeah I am learning that, she is a stubborn one too. Such a tiny woman but more stubborn than anyone I have ever met. I have been putting my foot down more and more and she is really fighting it. At first she was receptive but after a few times she starting trying to take total control again.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Hmmm, I've never understood the concept of a man cave. I am probably the odd person out in that our house was more of a collective bargaining agreement. When we bought the house, it was in need of cosmetic repairs and obviously furniture. So he wanted the bathroom and bedroom his way and I wanted the kitchen and family room my way. He picked his paint, I picked mine. Furniture was more of a "hey, I like this sofa" and his was "hey, I like this computer desk", wash, rinse, repeat throughout our furniture purchases. We both got exactly what we wanted and it blends perfectly. So why would he need a room that is exclusively his? Half the house is exactly as he wanted it. What's the purpose of said cave? I don't know but to me it sounds like a room that you go to to shut out your family. That doesn't sound right to me. What am I missing?


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Its not a room to shut out my family. It is about space to an extent. With our home it was the first time she had lived on her own so she took over all the decorating. I have my things she doesn't want in the living room and i respect that. Its a place for when we both need our space. She doen't like alot of my movies. Now I can watch them without taking over the living room and shoving her out. When she has the girls over for a girls night I can be in here to give them thier time to do thier thing and not have to leave the house. Its not just for me either. She is more than welcome to join me in here.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Irish1985 said:


> Its not a room to shut out my family. It is about space to an extent. With our home it was the first time she had lived on her own so she took over all the decorating. I have my things she doesn't want in the living room and i respect that. Its a place for when we both need our space. She doen't like alot of my movies. Now I can watch them without taking over the living room and shoving her out. When she has the girls over for a girls night I can be in here to give them thier time to do thier thing and not have to leave the house. Its not just for me either. She is more than welcome to join me in here.


Well your man cave sounds alot healthier than those I have heard about. I read here one husband who has said cave and has a no disagreement policy inside the cave. If she gets upset, he orders her out. That to me sounds like shutting people out and probably leads to alot of resentment on her behalf.
Hmmm, well I would like a man cave that you have. Actually, my man cave would be more along the lines of a pool table, foosball and beer on tap.  I'm not a real frilly chick. Wish we had the space. It could be a dual man cave. Collective bargaining agreement. I get one evening, he gets the other. 

**Whoops, forgot Air Hockey. Air Hockey rules!!**


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Yes i do not want to shut anyone out. Its nice so when I have the guys over we aren't pushing my wife out of the living room or vise versa. She is just highly against this room and I cannot figure out why. I have explained the entire scenario to her but she is livid about it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Irish1985 said:


> Yes i do not want to shut anyone out. Its nice so when I have the guys over we aren't pushing my wife out of the living room or vise versa. She is just highly against this room and I cannot figure out why. I have explained the entire scenario to her but she is livid about it.


 Does she suspect that you are doing things in there that she would have a problem with? I'll be real honest here (not your situation though) but the words "man cave" conjure up images to me of a place a man goes to shut out his spouse and kids and a place he goes to watch porn. That's just my first thought. Now, it may not be true in your case but perhaps your wife feels the same way?
This notion that the woman controls the rest of the house doesn't sit well with me. Let's assume that maybe she did pick out all the decor but would a man not use that too? A kitchen? That isn't exclusive to a woman. Bedroom? Nope. Bathroom? Negative. They are shared by all members of the household, right? A man cave? Hmm, the wording alone implies it is off limits to her and designed with only his taste in mind and not one that she has free reign on. So where is a woman cave then? Nowhere. Nothing in that house is exclusive to her and maybe that is what she having a problem with. :scratchhead:


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I can see your point. However she does have a room of her own. Yes it is our bedroom. She has her computer desk, Scrap booking supplies and her crafts. She did that when we first moved in. I had no problem with it except that she lost interest in all of it and it just sat there. If she was in there doing something it was her alone time which i respect fully. To me the word man cave just is a funny sounding thing to make it sound macho. I have flags from 5 different countries on my walls lol. Not very macho. I can see where she would get the wrong impression. I have explained it, shown pictures and such. Her main reason that she states is she doesn't like how it looks and its a spare bedroom not a hangout. It can still be used as a guest room. Fold down the futon and its ready to go lol.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Irish, if you want make a point to her, then take all the crap on the walls in YOUR room, and put them on the walls in the house. Tell her that if a room or your own is an issue, then you'll respect her wishes, but you'd like more say over how the rest of the house looks.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Irish1985 said:


> I can see your point. However she does have a room of her own. Yes it is our bedroom. She has her computer desk, Scrap booking supplies and her crafts. She did that when we first moved in. I had no problem with it except that she lost interest in all of it and it just sat there. If she was in there doing something it was her alone time which i respect fully. To me the word man cave just is a funny sounding thing to make it sound macho. I have flags from 5 different countries on my walls lol. Not very macho. I can see where she would get the wrong impression. I have explained it, shown pictures and such. Her main reason that she states is she doesn't like how it looks and its a spare bedroom not a hangout. It can still be used as a guest room. Fold down the futon and its ready to go lol.


Totally off topic but I don't find flags hanging to unmanly. Not in the slightest! Curious, what countries? Well besides Ireland.  
Okay, and it's a spare bedroom. Fine. Now how often do you have people using that spare bedroom? My guess is seldom.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> Irish, if you want make a point to her, then take all the crap on the walls in YOUR room, and put them on the walls in the house. Tell her that if a room or your own is an issue, then you'll respect her wishes, but you'd like more say over how the rest of the house looks.


I agree with this. Being a woman who made certain we BOTH had our fair say in this house decor, I cannot understand this notion of any woman coming in and just tossing out what you hold near and dear.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Very seldom used. I think we have had people use it 3 times the whole last year. Yes there is Ireland. England, Whales, Soviet Russia, and the ancient Scottish flag. All from the countries they represent. A gift from my aunt when she was traveling


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I agree with Irish1985.....your lady needs to get over herself and stop trying to control you so much. And you need to stand up for yourself and your space.


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## ASV (Feb 6, 2011)

Irish1985 said:


> Ok for those who have read my first post you know my story for the most part. Even that I have made some small progress with my wife considering the massive distance between us at the moment. However a new development via email is developing. I have a "Man Cave" recently done. Its nothing special just the spare bedroom with my stuff set up. However I still respect it as a guest room and will fold down the futon for company without complaint.
> 
> My W feels this room is a way for me to ignore her, and hide from our marriage. To me it means no such thing. I have alot of interest and things that she doesn't want around the house. I respect that. A fake skull in a cage hanging from the ceiling fan in the living room is not family friendly. All I wanted was a room to be myself. She says she is not home so I don't need it. This was the original plan for the spare room. Never got to it because her brother lived with us. We agreed on it when we moved in. Why the sudden change? All of my things have been sitting in boxes since we were married. Collecting dust in the attic. She has thrown out about 200 comics. May not seem like a big deal but some of them I got when i was young. There is a sentimental value.
> 
> ...


I've been lurking on this site for a while,i just signed up after reading this tread so i could put my 2 cents worth in.
i read your other tread about your marital troubles as well.

I have been happely married for 39 yrs with the same woman so i think i know a wee bit of what it takes to create and keep a happy life for both partners.

For me it would be inconsievable to even think of having to create a as you call it a " man cave" to be able to have stuff on display that i like.

Our house is a place where the both of us have equal rights. There has never been an issue where i can't or she can't put or hang something that either of us is fond of.
Ofcourse there are things i don't care for,so what!,its her house too. Its called COMPROMISE!.
I do what i want,she does what she wants ,and we're both happy.
I got my guns and knifes and animal heads hanging right among her paintings and pewter plates.

Heck,i use the dinner table as workbench when i need to and never hear her complain,well,as long as i clean it up afterwards

Entertaining visitors or friends is shared by the both of us in the same room,wether hers or mine or both.

You two as far as i can gather are not on the same page or even in the same book! Hell,you'r not even in the same librairy.
Love does not look like that.

Love is smiles and hugs and kisses and plenty good sex.
Love is wanting to share life together.
Love is *wanting* to be together.
Love is respecting each other.
Love is wanting to make the other half be the happyest they can be.

You either need to man up or get out of that relation ship. It is not healthy in my eyes.She does not respect you.

I got a son in almost the same situation you are in,he married 2 years ago a woman that owns her own house. 
All my sons personal stuff is sitting in a big container in the yard.She allows nothing of his possessions in the house,NOTHING but his clothes.

Ofcourse there are other issues as well,how can it not be with an attitude like that.
My Son has not been happy since the day he married,(and lord he tried)He says he feels like a slave,hick up the money and shut up.She told him bluntly,i don't respect you.
Sex is nonexistent(Oh yeah,it was there plenty till she got the $6000 ring) She don't want counseling either.
I told him to get out,life is to short,go find another honey.

I think He finally seen the light and is calling it quits.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

ASV you are right, although at this point after just talking with her I believe I know where I stand.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Irish1985 said:


> Thank you ML. This cave is not just about me. Its about her space too. Whether its just her or with her friends. Its a place that we can both have space. I have my 1 room she has the rest of the house. Yet if she wants to join me in here thats fine. I do have one rule. No complaining in the cave LMAO!!!!


She doesn't look at that way I guarantee it!! She looks at the house as making it beautiful for everyone the whole family, friends, and guests. Just because she is good at it doesn't mean it's hers.

You having a room solely to do YOUR stuff does she get a room to just do HER stuff in?

People come to my house and say it looks like a magazine. Not because I'm a ridiculously wealthy it's because my wife is very artsy and can transform a room. It's like a artist's canvas to her!

I don't have a man cave. I have a garage...........then again we are all different. All of our marriages are different with different wants and dreams. I don't care if I have my own space. You do....so my only advice is to continue to talk to her and see if common ground can be reached.

Good luck!!



> Love is smiles and hugs and kisses and plenty good sex.
> Love is wanting to share life together.
> Love is wanting to be together.
> Love is respecting each other.
> Love is wanting to make the other half be the happiest they can be.


^^^^^^^^
That's the truth ASV. None of this Alpha Beta crap!!


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

After our conversation tonight I feel there is no further point to discuss the issue with her. Yes she does have a room to do her stuff.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm hoping to build my woodworking shop this year. That will be my "cave".
Of course, no shop would be complete without a TV, a stereo, at least 2 recliners, and a fridge...


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

HA!!!. I am still working on the mini fridge. My W didn't get that either. Ok so do you want my beer loaded on the bottom shelf or out of sight? Point made, seen, done.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

YES! I have a man cave! Only person welcome to come in at anytime is my little warrior, but the missus... NOPE! Heh

It's for "fresh air", a little personal space.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Heh, man cave, me and my gf have discussed this for when we move. She actually likes the idea. I don't care how the rest looks, as long as it's not too girly. I just want a place to put all my gadget/home electronics/ganing/comic stuff. I feel that those don't go too well together with the rest of the house, so one sound proof room with my gaming pc, consoles, big screen or projector and good sound system, statuettes etc is all I need. She is a nerd like I am (though not as much) and really likes the idea and actually would like to use it as well when we finally move.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Draguna: Thank you so much. You have had the perfect response. However my W doesn't want to be in here with me lol. Her loss. At least I can play WoW without negativity. To clarify. I don't play a huge amount but I like the game. I play maybe 10 hours a week VS. the people who play that many hors each day lol ;p.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Traditionally, the "den" was the more masculine space, for TVs and computers and games. Just tell her it's really just a den, and you've decorated it b/c she did the rest of the house. There should be an open door policy for anyone who wants in. Think about it: if everyone starts coming in, you can just take your toy/stuff of the moment to a space they've left (bedroom, family room). A lot of women do not care to play video games and so they wouldn't really want to hang out--the kids might. I have always preferred a room with no TV or electronics--I read, so I like the quiet. 

A "man cave" doesn't have to be a literal space. It's any place you retreat when you need "me" time (as we ALL do). While it's nice to have all one's stuff in one place, that is a luxury many of us can't afford! I'd have had a separate bedroom long before divorce if I could have--a place without his mess, mostly, more like a boudoir than bedroom, b/c the bed would have been a couch or something comfy for napping. Instead, I could retreat to the bedroom for me time--the kids knew not to bug me except during an emergency (once they were old enough; you can't do that with little kids, they need you around!). But the constant disarray of the bedroom made it less pleasant than it could have been, and I know it would have been nice to have "my" space. Not in the cards then. I didn't dwell on it. 

I had my own room from the time I was 8 until I married at 29. Maybe for that reason it was less important to me as a general idea. I wanted a clean space, but it didn't have to be "mine." I used my son's room when he was little and away at a friend's b/c it was the only room my ex didn't trash with his dysfunctional ways! I even kept toys color-coordinated in that room; it was picture perfect all the time b/c all my son did was sleep in it! 

But, as I have said, she is being very controlling and that is really the issue, so maybe work on that. Read up and figure out what you want to do.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I'd like to think that a man cave is unnecessary and the refuge is the marriage cave. 

Also, I've never seen anyone play WoW for just 10 hours a week, but even if that's the case, I have to wonder if the bigger problem is that you prefer to be in your man cave a lot and send the message that the man cave is where you'd prefer to spend the majority of your free time. It's great to have separate hobbies and all but when the hobby takes most of your free time away from the partnership there is a problem.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I only play WoW because my wife is away. Its something to keep me busy. Once she is home I will stop. Already decided that. She is in Kuwait with the army. I do spend alot of time in here. Its where my PC and webcam is to talk to my wife. I make myself play only a certain amount a week because I know I could become one who plays that many hours a day. At this point I do prefer to be in my man cave because my wife is not home and the rest of the house feels empty due to that. I apologize if i seem to come off harsh but i have had some nasty PM's over the past few days, I am only clarifying points. I miss my wife and no matter what issues we may have I love her. More than anything.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I also do not allow my hobbies to take away from my wife. However my wife allows hers to do so. I am learning to man up. Is difficult. Yet needs to be done.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Then you are in a good place! I don't suggest that you don't deserve your own things or space in your own house. Certainly her throwing out your comics is tragic but I did want to speak up and say that working towards together and the more time you invest in one another strengthens the collective "you".

This doesn't mean you should dissolve to her will but that you both should compromise. If you approach her when she gets home and say...HEY! I want my man cave and I deserve it! She's not going to be as understanding as she would be if you explained how you felt and why and you learned to compromise together in the whole of the house.

My husband and I are a work in progress always so I'm only sharing what I've learned. It may or may not work for you as you two are entirely different people.

Also, I recognize it has to be SO HARD to be away from your wife as it would be torture for me. I have a friend who is married to a military man and she faces obstacles I'm not sure I could face. On the other hand, how amazing your wife is to stand up for something she feels passionate about and defend our country.

I've not played WoW because I was warned. I'd looooove to but I know I couldn't manage two hours a week, never mind 10 hours (I have three kids) and I also know it would be escape from reality for me...much like these forums are now...but it's an entire world rather than a back and forth debate about the real world and because of that I know I can't go there.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

By the way, ignore nasty pm's. I don't know who does that but it's counter productive. If there is no understanding for our deepest problems there is no resolve. 

I haven't had a nasty pm yet and now I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Wow, nasty PM's about this? I cannot even understand why. I completely agree with a place to put the ugly man stuff. Seriously, I don't have a super taste. I know that. Also, bunch of electronics, posters, in you case flags etc cannot be displayed nicely without getting a weird look. I completely understand why you would want one. And it is not like you don't want anyone to come inside. I'd say it is the perfect location for someone to actually know who you are from what you describe. 
All the stuff you like, concentrated in one little room, all with sentimental value, but completely hideous and possibly à bit childish. If my girl wanted such a room, I'd be intrigued, would want to visit it as often as possible. My mom for example had a room where she made clothing. Had so much sewing stuff and fabric. It was amazing. I really liked spending time in there and help her. She also enjoyed me there to help her. Actually, I helped her more than my 3 sisters. Either way, she could work on her hobbies there without making a mess out of the house. 

My dad had a variation of this. The sports bar. I also enjoyed going to those with them. Also showed the inner child of him you don't often get to see. For me any personal space is nit something to retreat in. That is the wrong approach. It is a space to show your family and the world who you are deep inside, even if it is just a small part of you that you don't usually show. Be it a football nut, a creative clothing designer for your family, a nerd, a book worm, a car nut or whatever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Hm, as a woman, I actually really dislike the whole concept of a man cave, for a few reasons.

1. Beer stains on the carpet. Rotting pizza crusts in between the couch cushions. Yuck.
2. Men and women should share the whole house; I don't plan on decorating the living room bright pink with hearts everywhere, and I wouldn't want my boyfriend putting posters of bikini-clad women everywhere. Men shouldn't need "their own space" because the whole house should be for the man and woman to share. I think the man cave arose out of the simple fact that women tend to take over interior decorating to the point where the man feels like a stranger in his own home. This can easily be avoided if the woman consults her spouse first, or if the man actively involves himself in the decorating...I just mean saying things like "No hot pink. No kitten embroidery on the pillows." I don't mean you have to spend hours agonizing over the curtain fabric or whether or not you want cream or ecrew walls.
3. I don't plan on having a "woman cave" or whatever the female equivalent is; I don't want to shut myself off from the rest of the world, life, kids, pets, etc. so I can read fashion magazines and paint my nails and go online shopping. So why should men get to shut out their wives and families to play video games and watch football?

To the OP: you say you just play WoW "when the mood strikes." I know a few people who did heroine when the mood struck...Guess how they ended up?  

More seriously, I understand why you want to have a man cave, but I think the real issue is the fact that you feel like you need space. Is the rest of the house oppressive? Could you compromise with your wife about how the other rooms are decorated/used? If she is willing to discuss these options, then perhaps you can get rid of the man cave in favor of something else.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

A man cave is about creating boundaries. Usually the way it works is that 90% of the house is hers and we men get our "man cave" to do with it what we will. No responsible man is going to foul his cave with old pizza and beer. Mine is simply my office. I don't have any girly posters up. I have pictures of my wife and kids, but this is a place I go when I need to work or be alone and listen to music or something. I feel it's also something that a man needs as he spends more time married.

Having space is a great idea in an LTR. It may be hard to see now, but after 16 years of marriage I can't tell you how important it is to keep my wife and I together... 



lime said:


> Hm, as a woman, I actually really dislike the whole concept of a man cave, for a few reasons.
> 
> 1. Beer stains on the carpet. Rotting pizza crusts in between the couch cushions. Yuck.
> 2. Men and women should share the whole house; I don't plan on decorating the living room bright pink with hearts everywhere, and I wouldn't want my boyfriend putting posters of bikini-clad women everywhere. Men shouldn't need "their own space" because the whole house should be for the man and woman to share. I think the man cave arose out of the simple fact that women tend to take over interior decorating to the point where the man feels like a stranger in his own home. This can easily be avoided if the woman consults her spouse first, or if the man actively involves himself in the decorating...I just mean saying things like "No hot pink. No kitten embroidery on the pillows." I don't mean you have to spend hours agonizing over the curtain fabric or whether or not you want cream or ecrew walls.
> ...


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Lime: Yeah no beer stains or pizza crusts. I clean on the go. I am somewhat of a neat freak. If more than 3 cans pile up I grab a garbage bag. lol. Its also not about shutting out. The only time I close the door to my "Cave" is when I am having a smoke. Once the smoke clears, door opens again. My wife is allowed in here at anytime. I would never tell she is not aloowed in unless I am in here when she has the girls over and they decide they want to sing Karoke in here. Men do need more space than woman. My counseler has told me this and feels that the "Cave" is a good idea. She has been married for 25 years. In fact more women I have talked to like the Idea than the men. Main reason for the men is cause they don't have one and are pouting. All the compliments and such have been mainly from married women. 

MNG: Well Spoken


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Thanks for the feedback. I think my idea of a man cave is partially skewed by the fact that I'm still in college, and most of the guys I know are in their early to mid twenties... Even married guys at this age still have a very high grunge tolerance lol. And I've been in way too many apartments that reeked of pot and stale beer, and it's hard for me to picture these guys growing up and actually taking a shower! 

The value of personal space in a relationship is a really great point. I guess I just don't see why it HAS to be that 90% of the house is the woman's domain. I currently live in a tiny, cramped apartment with no space, and somehow my boyfriend and I manage. Yes we're young, but I'm definitely very artistic and love decorating, but he's very practical so we balance each other out when putting together our space... And it truly is OUR space. 

I guess when people get older and start owning homes, putting expensive antique furniture in them, and being able to afford real electronics (not just some broken TV off of craigslist) then the domains become more defined. 

But it would still really bug me if my boyfriend wanted a man cave lol! I think partially it's because I've made a pretty big effort to keep him in mind when planning for apt-related stuff, whereas many of my friends just move in and take over. It would hurt my feelings and make me feel like he didn't appreciate the effort I put in. I can't say how other women feel about this though--my guess is that some are upset b/c it means they can no longer control their husbands as closely.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

Lime, uhhh get back to me in 20 years or so... I had no personal space in college and it wasn't until I was living with my wife for a few years that I realized how much I needed a space to call my own. Really, you have no idea until you've been married like a minimum of 10 years...



lime said:


> Thanks for the feedback. I think my idea of a man cave is partially skewed by the fact that I'm still in college, and most of the guys I know are in their early to mid twenties... Even married guys at this age still have a very high grunge tolerance lol. And I've been in way too many apartments that reeked of pot and stale beer, and it's hard for me to picture these guys growing up and actually taking a shower!
> 
> The value of personal space in a relationship is a really great point. I guess I just don't see why it HAS to be that 90% of the house is the woman's domain. I currently live in a tiny, cramped apartment with no space, and somehow my boyfriend and I manage. Yes we're young, but I'm definitely very artistic and love decorating, but he's very practical so we balance each other out when putting together our space... And it truly is OUR space.
> 
> ...


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Well, all I could say is this. Ever seen a man's house? Not one in college, but someone who has his own house. Seen how it is decorated? It is function over form and is full of stuff that has a sentimental value for him.

Now, check how a home with a woman's touch is decorated, even if done together with a man. It doesn't have much of the ugly/nerdy/strange/childish sentimental stuff he likes. He might like the design, but often, it's not about design. It's about what makes him feel good. The cave is about sentimental value. This is how men decorate stuff.

What do I need? Sofa, table, some paint, tv, some other small stuff. Now, let me put this statuette I bought with my first paycheck here, the flags of the countries I visited when little there, over here is the boat scale figurine that sparked my interests in shipping, these are the comics I read when I was little etc. 

The cave doesn't have to include stuff to decorate with, or even be a seperate room. It could be a corner with books he likes to read.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that he wants to be there most of the time, it is not that he doesn't love his family, it could have numerous photo's of his family, the man probably wants them in that room as well. It is all about a place for himself in which he could be at peace in.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Well, if its important to you to have a little personal space(man cave)
then as your loving wife she should suport it.

sounds like she don't care about whats important to you as long as she get her womans sanctuary (the room she has to her self ) 

MAN UP AND TELL HER TO BAD.

or sumit and be the nice guy. we all know what happens to nice guys.


lot of double standards on this board.


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