# please read and suggest



## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

Hello all,

please read the thread [how to win my wife back from buddhism]. hope people can read this and reply me. after month of trying and talking i kind of pissed her off by talking and asking things again and again. finally she admitted the real problem nothing to do with buddhism just the commitment etc. she said i dont want to have kids and i said i am ok with it. but she said i dont want tp have kids, even if i want kids i want them to have my influence but if i do that i might take the kids away from in-laws which isnt good for in-laws and she said we cant live in delhi and it will be difficulties for her and her work and there are lot more issues can come up and thats why she is not seeing a future together and she feels like she wants to be on her own but she also admits things might change but she doesnt see that changes in near future. i said to her i am willing to sacrifice and do anything except losing her. she says she is scared to her that. i do see the cultural commitments and problems in our life but i dont think that would be an issue if i sort this now. i love her as wife and friend but she loves me as a friend and she want good things for me. we both are selfish think about our happiness not willing to give up. if i giveup she will be happy on her own and if she gives up i will be happy with her. at the end of the i should give up but i dont want to. she is wonderful and without her my ife will be dull (it might sound desperate but the truth) but she said if i give her sometime there is a possibilty of getting back together. so i am giving her time from next week and i will move out by that time.

1] do anyone thinks i have chance
2] will she realise that she can be what she is when she is married and i am willing to bend my back as i dont have any definite path to follow as i enjoy the life as it takes but i dont want to lose her
3] what is the best way to win her back like suggestions
4] how long it will take from a women point of view and what should i do in that meantime

thanks for looking into my thread


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

anyone? suggestions please


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I get the sense that she's just not into you and is making up reasons to get out of the marriage. She's trying to do it gently, but your not taking the hints. There may be another guy in the picture; no way to tell from what you post.

If you want to get her back, read up on the "manning up" threads in the men's forum. In this thread at least, you come across as wishy-washy, with no opinions or directions of your own. A week probably isn't going to be enough to make a difference one way or another.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

I'm sorry, but I don't think she's being honest about why she wants to break up. I think the real reason is that she's fallen out of love.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I still think she's either a flake who flits from thing to thing because she can't settle down and commit, or there is still another man in the picture and her actions are her trying to cover up and preserve her affair.


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

Sindo said:


> I'm sorry, but I don't think she's being honest about why she wants to break up. I think the real reason is that she's fallen out of love.


if she has what i can do about that or what she should be doing


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I still think she's either a flake who flits from thing to thing because she can't settle down and commit, or there is still another man in the picture and her actions are her trying to cover up and preserve her affair.


she could be having an affair but she is not as i know her she isnt that type but she is going out a lot to see his friends and their family in this christmas time which is very strange


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm impressed at the amount of communication the two of you have. 

What I see is that there is some kind of assumption that each of you individually has more control over future and circumstances external to your relationship than really exists.

Ability to have work.
Knowledge that in-laws are going to stay put (and be in good health, and alive, sorry if that is blunt).
Ability to have children. Health of these children.

Happiness does not depend on externalities.

The solution I would suggest is to encourage her Buddhism. 
There is probably a reason she is drawn to that religion.
Maybe she is trying to resolve logistics which cannot be resolved, or predicted, or controlled in advanced. The dance she is doing is not centered around the present but in the future. Some people are centered naturally, they wake up each morning and they are present in their life, so they make choices always based on that day and that circumstance...it is never a question of what they want. They trust that what will evolve comes from their heart so it is good. Others have been off-center for a while. They see that it is possible to have a life that comes from the heart, they strive to do the things to have that life, but mistake others actions and decisions as the source of that, and try to mimic others choices, actions, what they perceive as smart planning rather than 'heart decisions'. They forget about their own heart, and lack confidence.

She sounds like a good person. I think you both want the same thing but she is panicking because she doesn't trust her heart. She is trying to control something that can't be controlled, really. It's a lack of confidence in being centered. She's hedging. To force a decision or to offer too much support at this time will only undermine her confidence in herself. 

Have you ever had to catch a chicken? (I mean poultry, not the human kind.) Catching a chicken is a good thing, so long as you intend to bring it back to its coop so it can be safe and live a normal chicken life. If you chase it, it will panick. To encourage a chicken to come home, you leave the gate open wide, you make sure it has its little roosting place and a bed of hay to be warm and comfortable, you have its companions there, also comfortable (friends, safety net, others with same lifestyle and beliefs), you put food and water. A normal chicken, when the sun goes down, will join its flock and come home to roost, given that all is well. Your job as chicken lover  is to make sure to keep an eye out for predators while the chicken is out of the coop and gate area. Maybe you pray. You don't go off your watch, but you stay away from the chicken because if you appear to be chasing it, it will feel threatened and make a run for it. The choice has to belong to the chicken. Maybe you know the chicken well, you know it likes a certain feed or nesting box better than some other, so you can provide that, but not make a show of it.

If the chicken does not go back to its roost, given those conditions, something is wrong with it. There is not much you can do in that circumstance. This chicken does not have a life with you. 

Love does not really have much logic beyond that. 
I think your wife thinks too much. Buddhism would be good for her, if she continues to pursue it. Personally I think she is on the right track with that, and it might bring her closer to you rather than further away.


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

Hi Homemaker_Numero_Uno - i dont who the hell are you but you are really great. you are good with words man wish i was like you. might not happen but your last line was so much encouraging that buddhism might push her towards me. i wish it comes true. as it sounds she is a great person with lot of life and love. sometimes i want to let her go so that she could enjoy her life but emotionally i am so attached with her and her thoughts thats why i am clinging on to her. i am going to a different city from tomorrow and give her total space and freedom. before yesterday she was saying back and forth thats its over and it might change etc etc. but today i made it clear that i am giving her space and freedom but its not the end of the relationship as i am very much inlove with you. so dont think its over just consider this a break. we will see what we want in the near future. she accepted that she will consider this as a break and she said dont think i am closing all doors. the doors are open but she is not seeing anything happening in near future and she doesnt know how to change the feelings back. She said if i think that i miss you like that wish AXXXX was here to show me this that or spend time etec then i will come back to you. it made me happy but i am scared that i am losing her. her reply always for this we are not going to lose each other just things changed but we are going to be friends, companion forever. she said in this break i am going to do whatever i didnt wanted to do when i was in this relationship especially the self expectation of mine. i replied to her thats fine i dont want to know unless you want me to know. her reply was we will see and she said i am not doing this to sleep around, sex is not the problem or love & affection is the problem as i have them all in you but i am seeing myself doing things in future tahts what scares me and i am going to do some learning about that in this break. The space and time is the better chance of survival than discussing again and again. i said thats fine have a good break and i love you. hope to see you soon

i might sound desperate but its truth i cant see myself beyond her. she is such a wonderful human being no one will understand as i am the one experiencing it.

if god exists he/she will understand my pain and helps me to get the best thing back in my life

if anyone have a suggestion what i should do or shouldnt do in this time please let me know.

i want her back please share your experience


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

arbed said:


> she could be having an affair but she is not as i know her she isnt that type but she is going out a lot to see his friends and their family in this christmas time which is very strange


Who is he? Why is she going out to see his friends?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

arbed said:


> she could be having an affair but she is not as i know her she isnt that type but she is going out a lot to see his friends and their family in this christmas time which is very strange


So there is another man after all.

why don't you think she is having an affair? Because she said she isn't?? Seriously?


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> So there is another man after all.
> 
> why don't you think she is having an affair? Because she said she isn't?? Seriously?


not because she said she isnt? just because i know her. there is no another man. its all family man meeting her with families. the age is 50, 21, 37, 17. she wouldnt go with 2 younger guys as one of them is too young and our family friend and the 21 again she wont go with young guys thats her mindset and that guy is married with a kid and thats against her moral. 50 yr married and age difference so she wouldnt as she wouldnt spoil a family. 37 - she wouldnt as he is too friendly who is in a relationship with a girl whom we both know. she wouldnt do that girl. there are 3-5 women she is friends with and i am not bothered about them. i can assure that she isnt having an affair. if she is there is no point in hidding as that will give a better closure to the relationship - isnt it?


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Who is he? Why is she going out to see his friends?


sorry typo - she is going out to see her friends. so there is no he


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Arbed, you're trying to apply logic to this way too much. If she is cheating, you'll likely be surprised in who she chooses to be with. It often isn't someone who is better than you.

As I have said. 

She is either cheating 

or 

Has got too many issues floating around inside her and they are causing her to act this way.

Her actions are neither logical or well reasoned based on what you have written. She is being driven by some motivation which she continues to refuse to reveal to you.

Until she does - there isn't any real hope here since a marriage requires 2 people who are actually wanting to work on it.


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Arbed, you're trying to apply logic to this way too much. If she is cheating, you'll likely be surprised in who she chooses to be with. It often isn't someone who is better than you.
> 
> As I have said.
> 
> ...


hi shaggy

ypu are right thats it takes two people to make or break. i will wait but i dont have high hopes. you may be right if she is cheating she is going to be a cheater and i dont think i need that kind of b*tch in my life but i dont think so. yes she does have lot of things floating inside such as freedom and committments so she has to learn it and i cant say or teach anything about it. i am absolutely mad at her sister & parents for some misguidance. her sister full of **** who thinks that she is smartest in the world tells people off for being attached to things but she cant cope on her own for few months after her friends left the uni and she is giving tips to my wife (or ex) and her stupid parents said to her if you want to do this or that please follow what your heart says dont worry about others. they dont what exactly it means breaking people hearts with broken promises. I will wait and if i have to move on i will thinking that i am better off without some screwed up chick. but this is a lesson for me and i have lost respect for women who should be treated like materials not human beings. i treated her with lots of respect and love and caring but i was given back the heart broken into pieces and treated like **** with no proper reasons.. will see what really happens.

thanks shaggy


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Would you have wanted her to stay with you out of obligation? That would not have been fair to you. You do not want to be married to somebody who deep down does not want to be married to you.

You may not realize it, but she did you a favor. Just look at cases on this board where women pulled away after being married and even with kids. 

It may not feel that way, but you're one of the lucky ones.


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

dymo said:


> Would you have wanted her to stay with you out of obligation? That would not have been fair to you. You do not want to be married to somebody who deep down does not want to be married to you.
> 
> You may not realize it, but she did you a favor. Just look at cases on this board where women pulled away after being married and even with kids.
> 
> It may not feel that way, but you're one of the lucky ones.


dymo - i know i am lucky but should i leave the best one just because she thinks that she wants to be on her own. if its 100% i will wish her all the best but she is never 100% about anything and she admitted that. So there is a chance for everything. Thats why i suggested why cant we be in this relationship for 1 more year and see how we feel at that time. Even by that time she feelings are different then we should let each other go. No point in giving up without trying. thats all i am asking a chance to prove her wrong or clear her confusion . i know the chance is a double side sword as it can hurt both side but i am willing to take the risk


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

its horrible feeling.i havent spoke to her for past 3 days. it hurts. why cant she feel it.

why always women comes out of the relationship unscratched?

dont know how long i can wait with uncertainity?

i want to do something to fix things quickly but i dont what to do. its horrible feeling man.


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I'm impressed at the amount of communication the two of you have.
> 
> What I see is that there is some kind of assumption that each of you individually has more control over future and circumstances external to your relationship than really exists.
> 
> ...


Hi ...
You are right with your words as i said. she is living on her own and she thinks its over and no way of getting back by the text she sent to my friend saying that i dont understand and take care of him. my friend also says its over no point in waiting. she wants to be on her own with full freedom no one to ask what she is doing. she doesnt want divorce as she is not going to marry anyone in future. she will get me the british citizenship so that she will live in London for 2 more years for me and she will fly to new zealand and thats her plan and she wants us to be friends. i cant accept it as she is my life. i have given her the break she needed. no plans of seeing her or texting her or bumping into her. will this work? if this doesnt work what i am supposed to do lose the best thing in my life...cant believe that it is happening to me.

is there any chance i should make it happen?
when to astrologer - one guy said bth will get married again in 2013 - may. it might be stupid to believe but it made me happy
another astrolgy guy said she is under some sort of spell - she will be alright in 3 months..not believing anything but i want her and i want to fight till the last second..

any other better way to deal with this situation please let em know

she want to be happy & independent. if she is with me she can be happy but not total independent as she will in a family. for that reason i want o let her go but my emotional part cant accept it

thanks


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

hi all

what if my wife is cheating - i guess she is?

i want to find out

how to find out her password - gmail/hotmail

can anyone help me

thanks


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't think it's healthy to live the way you are living, basing all of your choices on someone who doen't want to give you any weight in her decision making. You should really try to make your own plans and not depend on her for citizenship or marriage. It sounds like she has commitment problems and is afraid of intimate relationships. I don't get the feeling that she is contributing to your sanity and you should let that be a clue to how to proceed. There is being on the receiving end of someone else's life crisis, in a way where you could not have foreseen it. But then there is continuing to subject yourself to pursue something that might have only been an illusion to begin with. Somewhere there is clarity for you, but do you really expect to find it with someone whose own life is so clouded? I would not. You can love her, but it sounds like it would always be one-sided. Why not give yourself some other chance to love someone who can love back and not run away?


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

You were pretty sure your wife wasn't cheating before. What's changed your mind?

Whether or not she's cheating, I get the feeling that you're not preparing yourself mentally for the split, and also pushing her away in your desperation to hold onto her. Look into doing the 180. You'll find info on it on these forums.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

dymo said:


> You were pretty sure your wife wasn't cheating before. What's changed your mind?
> 
> Whether or not she's cheating, I get the feeling that you're not preparing yourself mentally for the split, and also pushing her away in your desperation to hold onto her. Look into doing the 180. You'll find info on it on these forums.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



you were right that i dont want the split but i am mentally ready and accepted it.

Regarding cheating - thats was so stupid of me to say that may be it came in the heat of the thought. i regret for making thats post and blaming my wife. she is great and i do believe her. i am nasty person and i think the worst that why i am not with her i guess. i wish i could be better person & i wish her all the best if she finds a great guy with lot honesty & but the sametime if i get a chance to live with her i will show how much she is worth and how good she is. She is simply wonderful.

i apologise for me guessing that my wife is cheating- i am a ****ing stupid


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## arbed (Nov 26, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't think it's healthy to live the way you are living, basing all of your choices on someone who doen't want to give you any weight in her decision making. You should really try to make your own plans and not depend on her for citizenship or marriage. It sounds like she has commitment problems and is afraid of intimate relationships. I don't get the feeling that she is contributing to your sanity and you should let that be a clue to how to proceed. There is being on the receiving end of someone else's life crisis, in a way where you could not have foreseen it. But then there is continuing to subject yourself to pursue something that might have only been an illusion to begin with. Somewhere there is clarity for you, but do you really expect to find it with someone whose own life is so clouded? I would not. You can love her, but it sounds like it would always be one-sided. Why not give yourself some other chance to love someone who can love back and not run away?


Thanks and i can understand. 

I strongly believe that she will love me back and we will get back together in a month or so as i believe that i love her for the right reasons. not even worried about citizenship just thinking about our relationship. i will soon update if something good happens and i believe that it will happen. It doesnt mean i am dwelling on the past. things change and i feel more confident than depressed about the relationship with my wife. For every husband his wife is great. i feel the sameway but she is different and wonderfully great


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

arbed said:


> you were right that i dont want the split but i am mentally ready and accepted it.


Even so... Have a look into the 180. May seem counterintuitive, and maybe you'll have to modify it for your own situation, but have a look.


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