# Dating/relationship challenges as a single dad



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I've been separated since Feb 2013, divorced since October 2014. I've had several "flings" or attempts at relationships - some almost girlfriends. Just haven't met someone I was really into for long-term. However in May I went on a date with a woman who I dated 20 years ago - crazy to reconnect after so long. I sense the potential for long-term here.

However, there's a problem I've been thinking about that has now bubbled up. I have my kids Friday-Monday morning, every week. That of course in and of itself is awesome - I get quality, full days with my kids (I get every 1st and 3rd Friday off of work, so lots of Q time there). Of course weekends are prime dating days. My folks are happy to take the kids now and then, but they are snowbirds and are gone for 5 months of the year. And also, I don't want to be giving up my time with the kids every weekend, so pawning them off on a babysitter isn't the greatest either.

Got a text from the woman I'm seeing asking when can we see each other. I said how about Thursday? She says "is that my only opportunity? Do you have the kids all weekend?" 

The ex wife works in bars so there's no way I can change the schedule - she only works weekends. 

There's not a lot I can do obviously - and I guess the answer is, if she's really into me, and it's worth it to her, we'll make it work. But I could understand if she couldn't do it because I'm only available on weekdays and the occasional weekend.

Any advice? From dads, moms, people dating single parents? 

My kids are numero uno obviously. But I would like to have a real relationship at some point too. Rock and a hard place.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Not much you can do. You have it difficult but the right woman will make it the best Thursday you have. If it gets serious, get a babysitter one day and go out with her.

I have my kids much more than the ex. My current other doesnt love the schedule but he had to decide if he wanted to keep seeing me. For him, for now, it works.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

So you're actually available (or could be) 4 days a week - Mon through Thursday? Just not weekends unless it was a special occasion where you got a babysitter. I don't see this being a problem at all. It certainly shouldn't scare off a LTR if she's really into you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you can make it work for a while, and things eventually get serious, then she can spend time with you and the kids, including weekends.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

She needs to accept your boundaries regarding time with the kids, and recognize the importance of your time with them. I would say, this weekend is out because I have the kids, but see if there's something other than Thursday that will work, maybe another weekday night. If SHE thinks that YOU are worth it to her, she needs to be flexible, too. The person without kids tends to have a more flexible schedule, and should be more accommodating (and I am saying this as a single non-parent who has almost exclusively dated single dads since my divorce), because if she *is* LTR potential, that's how it's going to be when there are kids involved. If she can't make it work now, she won't be able to in the long-term. Better to find out now. Fo' real. 

Personally, my policy has always been this: Single dads, do NOT prioritize me over your kids so early in the relationship--if it's going to work, we will have plenty of time together as we get more serious. But time with the kids is fleeting, and I will NOT be the one who takes time away from a kid with his dad. NO WAY. 

A single dad who takes time away from his kids to spend it with me? Makes me question his dedication to his kids, and that's a BIG thing for me. It's one thing if the kids WANT to go stay over at a friend's house or something on his night, so he ends up having the night free, and we get together. That's cool with me. But if custody is split evenly (the way yours sounds), he should not be getting a sitter to take me out; we should make our date nights when his ex has the kids. The only exception for this would be if he has full custody, so the ex never has the kids--in that case, getting the occasional sitter makes sense.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm a divorced mom and have my child full-time, with the exception of every other weekend. Luckily, he's old enough now to stay at home by himself for a few hours, so it's a bit easier. I've been on plenty of week night dates. It never bothered me to do that. Most of the men I went out with also had children, so both of us were used to working around parenting schedules. Sometimes it's tough, and you might not get to see your SO as much as you'd like because of your parenting schedules. But if you find the right person, the two of you work together to figure it out and make it work. That's just part of the deal when grownups with kids date other grownups with kids.

I thought it was great when, after our 3rd date, the man I'm seeing emailed me his custody schedule for the following 3 months. He wasn't going to give up time with his children for me, he wasn't asking me to give up time with my son for him, but he wanted us to carve out as much time together as possible.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> She needs to accept your boundaries regarding time with the kids, and recognize the importance of your time with them. I would say, this weekend is out because I have the kids, but see if there's something other than Thursday that will work, maybe another weekday night. If SHE thinks that YOU are worth it to her, she needs to be flexible, too. The person without kids tends to have a more flexible schedule, and should be more accommodating (and I am saying this as a single non-parent who has almost exclusively dated single dads since my divorce), because if she *is* LTR potential, that's how it's going to be when there are kids involved. If she can't make it work now, she won't be able to in the long-term. Better to find out now. Fo' real.
> 
> Personally, my policy has always been this: Single dads, do NOT prioritize me over your kids so early in the relationship--if it's going to work, we will have plenty of time together as we get more serious. But time with the kids is fleeting, and I will NOT be the one who takes time away from a kid with his dad. NO WAY.
> 
> A single dad who takes time away from his kids to spend it with me? Makes me question his dedication to his kids, and that's a BIG thing for me. It's one thing if the kids WANT to go stay over at a friend's house or something on his night, so he ends up having the night free, and we get together. That's cool with me. But if custody is split evenly (the way yours sounds), he should not be getting a sitter to take me out; we should make our date nights when his ex has the kids. The only exception for this would be if he has full custody, so the ex never has the kids--in that case, getting the occasional sitter makes sense.


You are quite the woman, FIP!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Agree wholeheartedly with all of you. My daughter has a sleepover Saturday, so I was thinking of having my son go to my folks that night (he loves sleeping over there). But that's a great point FIP, about not dumping off the kids on my night. I get them plenty of nights that aren't on my schedule as the ex asks all the time for me to take them because she wants to go do whatever - I'm always down with that, unless I have solid other plans.

I mentioned my daughter's sleepover and that I may get my folks to take my son - she said no no, don't do that - we'll make Thursday work or just do something next week.

So, she seems cool about it. But like you all say - if she's not, then it won't work anyway. If she's truly into me, she'll work with what I can offer.

Thanks guys.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I'm a divorced mom and have my child full-time, with the exception of every other weekend. Luckily, he's old enough now to stay at home by himself for a few hours, so it's a bit easier. I've been on plenty of week night dates. It never bothered me to do that. Most of the men I went out with also had children, so both of us were used to working around parenting schedules. Sometimes it's tough, and you might not get to see your SO as much as you'd like because of your parenting schedules. But if you find the right person, the two of you work together to figure it out and make it work. That's just part of the deal when grownups with kids date other grownups with kids.
> 
> I thought it was great when, after our 3rd date, the man I'm seeing emailed me his custody schedule for the following 3 months. He wasn't going to give up time with his children for me, he wasn't asking me to give up time with my son for him, but he wanted us to carve out as much time together as possible.


How old is your son? There's that too - it won't be that long before my boy is old enough to sit his sister while I'm out for a bit. He's 10, so it's a bit early. But I was babysitting by 11.

I'm so paranoid though - I don't even let them go to the park by our house (1 block away) alone. I should probably do that (of course I'd be spying on them every second across the street!).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> She needs to accept your boundaries regarding time with the kids, and recognize the importance of your time with them. I would say, this weekend is out because I have the kids, but see if there's something other than Thursday that will work, maybe another weekday night. If SHE thinks that YOU are worth it to her, she needs to be flexible, too. The person without kids tends to have a more flexible schedule, and should be more accommodating (and I am saying this as a single non-parent who has almost exclusively dated single dads since my divorce), because if she *is* LTR potential, that's how it's going to be when there are kids involved. If she can't make it work now, she won't be able to in the long-term. Better to find out now. Fo' real.
> 
> Personally, my policy has always been this: Single dads, do NOT prioritize me over your kids so early in the relationship--if it's going to work, we will have plenty of time together as we get more serious. But time with the kids is fleeting, and I will NOT be the one who takes time away from a kid with his dad. NO WAY.
> 
> *A single dad who takes time away from his kids to spend it with me? Makes me question his dedication to his kids, and that's a BIG thing for me.* It's one thing if the kids WANT to go stay over at a friend's house or something on his night, so he ends up having the night free, and we get together. That's cool with me. But if custody is split evenly (the way yours sounds), he should not be getting a sitter to take me out; we should make our date nights when his ex has the kids. The only exception for this would be if he has full custody, so the ex never has the kids--in that case, getting the occasional sitter makes sense.


Sh!t test.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Sh!t test.


Oh, it ABSOLUTELY is a sh!t test. But I'm testing for fvcking INTEGRITY, Bandit. Because that's what I want in a man.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oh, and it's just as much about me as it is about him. I don't want to be the evil woman who "takes" a dad away from his kids. If something is going to have LTR potential, nothing will make his kids hate me more than me being the reason he is spending LESS time with them--when they already get him less than they did when he was married to their mom. And there is no WAY I am going to be that woman.

My mother did everything she could (subconsciously, I think) to drive a wedge between me and my dad, because she was jealous of sharing my dad's attention with me. And my parents weren't divorced! They're still married! I decided a LONG time ago that I don't want to be like that.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

I know very well the struggles. My ex is moved states away and never sees my daughter. So I'm sole custody. I do have family that will help from time to time, but I try not to take advantage of them all the time, so it's hard to date.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm in the same boat! I have majority custody, the kids are still too young to be by themselves and I have no family in my town. I'm pretty much either at work, or with my kids. On my rare alone time, there are a lot of things I'm trying to get done. The prospect of finding someone whose alone time coincides with mine is so daunting I haven't bothered trying.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Healer said:


> How old is your son? There's that too - it won't be that long before my boy is old enough to sit his sister while I'm out for a bit. He's 10, so it's a bit early. But I was babysitting by 11.


My son is 15. He's able to, and happy enough to, spend the occasional night alone at home. 

Check the laws in your area regarding the legal age at which children may stay alone and/or babysit. Some states do mandate that.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Heeler, remember the *ONLY* reason you have your kids *EVERY WEEKEND* is because your ex wife is a bartender *WORKING THOSE WEEKENDS*. 

If she found another job or made the same money working Monday to Wednesday it might not be the same for you..

Being a full time dad with 2 boys.. My Ex only see's one of my sons on Monday and Tuesday.. She has her whole weekend free. But that of course is so she can be the single gal with her boyfriend on the weekends.. 

That being said. You are somewhat forced and lucky to have this situation.. But here is my simple notion on this.. Trying to seeing if someone is right for you and your kids means you really need to spend some time with them.

I can tell you my EX GF of almost 2 years was really great on Saturday nights.. But Monday through Friday she sucked a$$.. Sadly it took me 2 years to really realize this.. She wasn't good with her kids and I realized she was gonna be WORSE for my kids.. But I got to see these things by spending time with her.. 

So my point is you WILL have to make sacrifices with your kids to be with someone.. 

Remember those kids didn't come with your EX Wife, they were created by the both of you.. Being 20 really single and living your life for only yourself is different then it is now.. I know you get it, but I think people forget that it was that time spent together forming a bond that got you to marry your Ex wife.. 

Dating and courtship just isn't made to have kids around..

When I first dated my GF when I told her I would pick her up at 930 PM and she came out for 940 or 950 it was a woman wanting to look good for me.. But after dating her and becoming a couple.. It was only then that I realized that her being 10 or 20 minutes late was good for her.. After we became a couple she let her hair down and now we would be almost 40 minutes late for many things.. It came to the point near the end where I would go get her daughter from her moms on Saturday morning for dance class AND THEN COME BACK to get the GF and she was still late coming down.. But I knew otherwise we would have been REALLY LATE for dance class if I had to wait for her to get ready.

My ISSUE was I realized this early on into the relationship but simply turned a blind eye to it because of my feelings for her.. 

The sacrifice you make with the kids is worth it in the end.. Well at least make that your priority in your situation..


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

That is one of the great difficulties dating when a single parent. More than one date I have really liked I couldn't see anymore because our schedules never matched up. If you can't find time you can't find it. Sure you can get the sitter every now and then but long term that can really add up. My suggestion is to just keep looking and find someone who maybe works weekends that way during the week you can meet up more often.


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