# having sex vs. getting sex. need advice



## tom thumb (Aug 17, 2009)

:scratchhead:me and my wife usualy have sex alot but its always up to me to initiate it. im a very sexualy person. I love feeling it and making her feel good. before we would just start rubbing on or playing with each other to start it but now the only time i get it is if i just drop my pants in front of her. she got to where she would get naked and sit there in the room and wait for me to do something so i tried that to show her how stupid it seems but it was a fight. we talk about new things. she says she wants sex in semi public places and i tried it but it was up to me to start it. i said i want role playing but it was up to me again. and so on and on. i tell her what i want but it falls on deaf ears. she gets mad when we dont have sex but she dont initiate so i end up wacking off in the shower while my wife sits in the living room. what can i do to fix this


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

there is alot of this stuff going on lately


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Ya there is, guys seem to think that after a while of being married that they get to be weman and weman get to be men. 

Buck it up and be thankful that your wife wants sex from you. Keep initating, that is your job not hers. When you were dateing how much initiating did she do? My wife is clueless on how to initiate. Her idea of initiating is getting the lingerie on and striking a sexy pose. It is my job to start the kissing and feeling.

Its like dinner, if you have always grilled and your wife has always made the salad, just because you want to make the salad doesn't mean your wife is gonna be good at grilling. And if you expect her to learn you better have the hotdogs standing by just in case she messes up the steak.

Funny story. My wife has a Vin Deisel fantasy. After encouraging her to initiate and witnessing her pitiful attempt I asked her "So how exactly would you plan on getting Vin if you ever had the chance? you just gonna sit there and wait for him to come get you? Pretty much", and "I never really thought about it that way" was the awnser. Wemon couldn't initiate thier way out of a wet paper sack. There are exceptions, but my wife isn't one of them and neither is yours. Don't let that minor issue build into a big problem. Go take her like a real man should.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i would be happy if my wife put on lingerie and posed, at least i would have a clue that it was ok to move in


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## pairofduces (Dec 28, 2008)

See - getting a clue - or signals is the problem after awhile. Especially if the marriage has been through a lot. It's an egg shell thing that probably isn't but if you're not having enough sex and the one time you ask she says not now it's libel to throw you into world of no confidence.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Being a man must be awful. I feel sorry for men sometimes. 

Figuring out how to get both brains to work at the same time, when to use _which_ brain. That has GOT to be a challenge.

No wonder they love beer and football. SO much simpler!

Being a man must be like ovulating 24/7.

God would it get sore. :rofl:


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Ya the only thing worse than being a man is having to squeeze a watermelon out a lemon.

But I guess that only lasts for a few hours.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Gomez said:


> Ya the only thing worse than being a man is having to squeeze a watermelon out a lemon.
> 
> But I guess that only lasts for a few hours.


Actually it would be squeeze a 10cm orange out a 10 cm orange.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Ok I am just trying to say that mens and wemans roles in life are not interchangeable. It doesn't mean that they are not equal, just that I like my steak and my wifes salad, not the other way around.

Is it a challenge for a man to keep his lower head in check? Absolutely, and if I hadn't let mine get out of control in the past I would never have learned how much disipline it really takes.

Is it a challenge for a woman not to abuse this weakness in men? I can only imagine, but I do notice that men are the only ones that part with thier money for a look at a lady, so some girls make it work for them.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Being a man must be awful. I feel sorry for men sometimes.
> 
> Figuring out how to get both brains to work at the same time, when to use _which_ brain. That has GOT to be a challenge.
> 
> ...


It's not so bad, Sandy. That's why god gave us two hands....variety.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Being a man must be awful. I feel sorry for men sometimes.
> 
> Figuring out how to get both brains to work at the same time, when to use _which_ brain. That has GOT to be a challenge.
> 
> ...


:lol:

if i could only screw the TV life would be great


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Tom,

Sorry man, but many women just are not good at and/or not comfortable with initiating sex.

My wife has admitted to me that there have been times she has laid in bed wanting sex so bad but couldn't get enough confidence or w/e to jump on top of me and start things up.

So, she just went to sleep without.

When she tells me this I'm like "man babe, that would have made my night if you had just started things up".

My wife is getting better at initiating, of course her "initiating" is something like saying to me "hey, I'm going to bed, why don't you come up".

We've been married going on 10 years now and she is just now starting to initiate within the last 9 months or so...for the first 8-9 years of marriage I bet I initiated 99% of the time.

Give it time, it won't happen overnight.

You want her to initiate, if there is ever a time she even tries, no matter how awkward or weird it is, encourage her, show her how much you liked it, etc. If you act like its awkward, she will never have the confidence to do it again.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

In my experience men will try and try and try no matter how many times you tell them no - however for women, tell them no once and you might as well forget it. They won't go down the rejection road again. Doesn't seem right I know - but that is a complaint I hear all the time with my girlfiends, I tried he wasn't in the mood - so end of story. So my advice to you would be if she does initiate in ANY manner whatsoever, jump on the chance, don't wait for her to do a strip tease to get the point across. With some patience and encouragement (hey I really loved ______ - and be specific), she will gain confidence. Never ever reject - that will kill the mood indefinately!!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

still reeling said:


> In my experience men will try and try and try no matter how many times you tell them no - however for women, tell them no once and you might as well forget it. They won't go down the rejection road again. Doesn't seem right I know - but that is a complaint I hear all the time with my girlfiends, I tried he wasn't in the mood - so end of story. So my advice to you would be if she does initiate in ANY manner whatsoever, jump on the chance, don't wait for her to do a strip tease to get the point across. With some patience and encouragement (hey I really loved ______ - and be specific), she will gain confidence. Never ever reject - that will kill the mood indefinately!!



You are right, not that its fair/right, but you are right.

Women are allowed to reject men in a marriage all the time, but if a man rejects the woman...all hell breaks loose.

I have rejected my wife once in nearly 10 years of marriage, and to be honest I don't even remember why...I do remember her crying for an hour afterwards though...

My wife and I have a very healthy sex life (3-5 times a week) and I can still say I've been rejected 1000s of times in nearly 10 years...I just go "after it" that often I guess.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Perfect story for this thread...

My wife's way of initiating last night...

I get home from work and immediately start working on her minivan as the battery has been giving some problems. After I get done I come inside and when the kids happen to be out of the room she says this to me with a wink...

"Hey my period is over" and then winked at me...

Was it kind of different/weird? Sure
Did I act like it was the cutest thing by saying "Is that your way of telling me you want me bad tonight?" absolutely..

Sure she got a little embarrased when I asked her that but she sat down on my lap and hugged me for a minute before we went back to tending to the kids.

Oh, for what its worth, last nights session was amazing...oral for both, two different sessions with just a few minutes of TV in between to recover...etc. 

Encouraging her initiation, even if it was slightly awkward, worked out beautifully last night.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Maybe the more you encourage her, the less akward it will be as the time goes by for her. Heck, I STILL blush when I tell my H what I want to do to him, or what I want him to do to me. He loves that I blush while I go into explicit detail...gets him alll sorts of horny. I don't even know WHY I blush, I'm not embarassed at all, guess its just a biological reaction. 
Keep encouraging her, it might help her come out of her shell.


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## gabejoel (Jul 8, 2009)

I have always been the aggressor and sometimes you want your spouse to take on that role as well.It is hard because sometimes you end up feeling kinda foolish when your so open and excited and the other person is just recieveing all of it.We have talked about it and he does go after me more now, but what you have to come to terms with is...that usually there is only one aggressor in a relationship...so just keep going with it ...it does not matter male or female...if that is the case then i should of been born with a penis instead!lol!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

lol, so 2nd night in a row my wife initiates...

Last night it was she got out of the shower, came upstairs naked, and said "I need you to rub lotion ALL over me" *wink*.

Oh and I did...


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