# Men in your 40s? would you be happy with me?



## Gloria123 (Jul 18, 2010)

I have absolutely no reason to tell you anything but the complete truth here- I plan to do so, as I desperately need your honest opinion/advice/help??
We've been married 23 years- my husband is a professional man and I a homemaker. We have 3 nearly grown children. 
Now- I'm not fishing for compliments or exagerating but to be truthful I am a very pretty woman. I'm older ,nearly 50 but I have inherited youthful genes and look more like I'm in my 30s. I can't stand phony,plastic crap- (fake boob jobs, botox ,puffy lips etc.) neither can my husband. He was first attracted to me because I was naturally feminine, and girly. Ladylike, kind, loving and maternal. For most of our marriage my husband has received compliments from both colleagues and friends- saying how lucky to have so great a wife. I have ,always believed a happy marriage requires good sex and physical care-and made a point of keeping myself healthy and attractive for him and for me!! I have also received compliments for having a great looking husband, talented, funny, intelligent etc. WE actually still love each other to pieces, are openely affectionate and have always enjoyed a delicious sex life! So, what the heck do I have to complain about???
My husband has a secret, not so likeable side to him that is borderline scary!! AND I am so totally baffled as to what to do about it! He has this inner need to be in the spotlight and recognized! His career, pastimes - most every minute of spare time- is spent on persueing this goal- he hides a lot of what it consists of from me. (I do not want to be specific) But in many aspects he is quite talented and able to put himself in the public eye- and he has done so successfully. This is only an issue for me because over the recent years - when our lives are getting easier and the kids are growing.... I had planned to finally get my chance to be a person other tha "wife,mom, cleaning lady, everyone's number one fan" with no identity of her own- I had been working on a project/career/passion- in tiny bits ,biding my time until it could one day actually happen- Now that the time is here- and after 25 years of supporting him- both financially and emotionally-plus years of personal sacrifice for our kids-for him to realize his many dreams - his 10 years of education, as well as 3 major side projects that took so much of his time away from family...And this past year - I've discovered my husband secretly persueing yet another new interest (it is very similar to my own life long desire) Because we had from the start, agreed that his years of college-grad school-then career would be our livihood and I would be the homemaker, my husband makes the money- So, he has the power to do with it over me! And while he is not a selfish person, and he truly does love me, and does wonderful things for me and the kids- his secrets and his new persuits- I find very hurtful and terribly betrayed! The only time we truly argue is when the subject of me and my outside interests come up. He makes light of my anger and says I'm too sensitive! And that my actual dream is expensive and time consuming- It is hardly unreasonable for me to get a shot at an outside life- as well as work things so that I to make money doing something i want to do! 
He finds every excuse not to go along with me! I truly feel I should have total support from my spouse of 23 years - because I have stood in his shadow and many times under him lifting him up! 6 months of his complete imput and attention and support- and enough of our finances to put into my project..it is all I need and want from him!! just 6 months of his lifethat puts me and my needs ahead of all others!- He seems to think its too much! How can he not give back just a tiny bit of what I've given to him?? Sacrifice half a year for me-AND-Would it kill him to show a little interest in my passion for once?? I made my family revolve around daddy and his career and his way of life- he was our Sun and we revolved around him- willingly. I only want 6 months I don't beleive I am being selfish...or am I??


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

I'd like to write out a long supportive post, but what I really want to ask is, 

Is it too much for me to ask for 20 minutes in a small room with your husband to smack some sense into him?


Seriously, I cannot find anything in your post to suggest that you are wrong to expect his support. If you are accustomed to being the one to support him and he is accustomed to being the one to receive support of his goals, you both may simply be out of practice in communicating things in the other direction. Keep trying. If he has any sense at all he will see the light.

Failing that, see suggestion #1 above.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If what you want to do will not impact your H's ability to make the primary income, pay the bills, etc., then just go ahead and do your project.

If your six month project will negatively impact the family income, then you may want to reflect on how to pay for it.

If your project actually makes money, then just do it!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

he should support you in any way he can. i have the opposite problem, my wife has no hobbies or interests that she pursues, and i wish she did so i could support her because i want to.


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

Here's what I see... a guy who has lived a certain way for 25 years, with the full support of his wife, in a life that has worked out well for everyone involved, now being asked to change. Not likely to happen.

As michzz said, go ahead and do it. You won't have his support.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

He is scared of competition and his "lifestyle" changing. If you have other things to pursue (gasp) you won't be there to stroke his ego as much. You mention that he likes to be in the spotlight and have all the accolades. You also mention that he is not selfish. I disagree. He sounds like the DEFINITION of selfish. You have sacrificed your life for him and now that it is your turn, he isn't there for you to pursue your dreams. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
On top of that, it appears he is keeping secrets from you. This is a giant red flad to me. If he is unwilling to help you (like you did for him) to fulfill your dreams and he holds all the cards/money/power then you have a whole other set of issues regarding the state of your marriage. A marriage isn't a good marriage if there is no give and take. If you are just giving and he is just taking that is not a marriage at all. It doesn't make him a hero to be a husband who has the undying support of his wife from the word go, who goes out in to the world and has a career and comes home with a paycheck...no matter how big. Plenty of men do it every day. What would make him a hero is if he were to come home and say "honey, thank you for all that you have done for me over the years. The sacrifices you have made and the things you have put on the back burner to make certain that I shined. Now it is your turn. How can I help". THAT is a non-selfish, hero like husband. 
I would pursue your dreams like gang busters. 
Grrrrr, this post makes me upset.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

When you cater to someone for so long ( and I don't understand why people do that!) it becomes a part of them,whatever you did all those years, will take 1/2 that long to undo:scratchhead:, it will be a slow process, but you will have to take 1 step at a time to become YOU an INDIVIDUAL!!!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Gloria123 said:


> I have absolutely no reason to tell you anything but the complete truth here- I plan to do so, as I desperately need your honest opinion/advice/help??
> We've been married 23 years- my husband is a professional man and I a homemaker. We have 3 nearly grown children.
> Now- I'm not fishing for compliments or exagerating but to be truthful I am a very pretty woman. I'm older ,nearly 50 but I have inherited youthful genes and look more like I'm in my 30s. I can't stand phony,plastic crap- (fake boob jobs, botox ,puffy lips etc.) neither can my husband. He was first attracted to me because I was naturally feminine, and girly. Ladylike, kind, loving and maternal. For most of our marriage my husband has received compliments from both colleagues and friends- saying how lucky to have so great a wife. I have ,always believed a happy marriage requires good sex and physical care-and made a point of keeping myself healthy and attractive for him and for me!! I have also received compliments for having a great looking husband, talented, funny, intelligent etc. WE actually still love each other to pieces, are openely affectionate and have always enjoyed a delicious sex life! So, what the heck do I have to complain about???
> My husband has a secret, not so likeable side to him that is borderline scary!! AND I am so totally baffled as to what to do about it! He has this inner need to be in the spotlight and recognized! His career, pastimes - most every minute of spare time- is spent on persueing this goal- he hides a lot of what it consists of from me. (I do not want to be specific) But in many aspects he is quite talented and able to put himself in the public eye- and he has done so successfully. This is only an issue for me because over the recent years - when our lives are getting easier and the kids are growing.... I had planned to finally get my chance to be a person other tha "wife,mom, cleaning lady, everyone's number one fan" with no identity of her own- I had been working on a project/career/passion- in tiny bits ,biding my time until it could one day actually happen- Now that the time is here- and after 25 years of supporting him- both financially and emotionally-plus years of personal sacrifice for our kids-for him to realize his many dreams - his 10 years of education, as well as 3 major side projects that took so much of his time away from family...And this past year - I've discovered my husband secretly persueing yet another new interest (it is very similar to my own life long desire) Because we had from the start, agreed that his years of college-grad school-then career would be our livihood and I would be the homemaker, my husband makes the money- So, he has the power to do with it over me! And while he is not a selfish person, and he truly does love me, and does wonderful things for me and the kids- his secrets and his new persuits- I find very hurtful and terribly betrayed! The only time we truly argue is when the subject of me and my outside interests come up. He makes light of my anger and says I'm too sensitive! And that my actual dream is expensive and time consuming- It is hardly unreasonable for me to get a shot at an outside life- as well as work things so that I to make money doing something i want to do!
> He finds every excuse not to go along with me! I truly feel I should have total support from my spouse of 23 years - because I have stood in his shadow and many times under him lifting him up! 6 months of his complete imput and attention and support- and enough of our finances to put into my project..it is all I need and want from him!! just 6 months of his lifethat puts me and my needs ahead of all others!- He seems to think its too much! How can he not give back just a tiny bit of what I've given to him?? Sacrifice half a year for me-AND-Would it kill him to show a little interest in my passion for once?? I made my family revolve around daddy and his career and his way of life- he was our Sun and we revolved around him- willingly. I only want 6 months I don't beleive I am being selfish...or am I??


Good luck!! Your husband and I are 100% exact opposites in that I hate being the center of attention, noticed, or in the limelight.

I enjoy the sidelines!!


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