# Husband feels like a guest



## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

I have two kids from a previous marriage, whos dad actually oassed away when they were really young. My now husband has excepted them as his own and we have even had a little one together


So my hubby has expressed that he feels like a "guest" in the house. He says he feels this way because the two older kids will walk right past him to ask me a question. They will even go ask him where I am just to find me to talk to ask me something. Then they ask something so easy that they could have asked him. 

Plus my oldest is 11 very mucha pre teen girl who ia also ADHD, OCD, and maybe even a litte Bipolar, so she can be a pretty big handful. Well when she gets mad at you for not letting her have her way she says things like, "I hate you" "your not my mom any more" to him, "Your not my dad". I have gotten used to it cause I know its coming from anger and not her actual feelings.

My son the 8 year old NEVER knew his father. He is a true Mammas boy. He has never even had a steady man in his life until my hubby an dI got together 3+ years ago. 

I feel like my husband is being really sensitive about this whole thing. He feels like he is not welcome in his own house especially when it comes to the kids. He wont let me talk to them cause he thinks I'm going to tell them to love him. But they already do. Its just they are used to comming to me. He works four days a week (includes Saturday) and has 14+ hour days. He just is not home as much and they see me more.

Am I not understanding him? Or is he really just being overly sensitive?:scratchhead:


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

First, I think it's great that he wants to feel more like part of the family. I agree that since your children haven't had a father figure in the home since they were young, that it will not be natural for them to start relying on him as they do with you. Your 11 year old is probably at the age where it would be difficult for her to be disciplined by your husband and believe that the best way to go forward is to make sure you include your husband in parenting discussions (she wants to be dropped off/picked up from the movies with friends...so you talk to h in private and ask his opinion...etc.) but the final word comes from you to her. 

He could have more impact on your son, but he will have to take the initiative...take him fishing, etc. where he shows interest in your son and they have one on one time w/o you there...something that your son would want to do, but is more of a 'guy' thing. Forming a bond will take time, but kids usually respond well to one on one time and attention.


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

Tell him its not abmormal...it's very much the norm that a child first goes to the mom. I have to remind my kids that they can ask their dad (natural father) the same things, why always me? So let him read this and relax, I've seen it change in the eldest son (I've got 3 boys 1,7,9) gets older. Suddenly I'm not the one anymore, daddy's everything. As to the teenage girl, if he reads up on books about girls her age, he'll see that that too is normal. Get him something to read, to see it's not him, or her, it's hormones!  We've all been there! Lastly, give him a kiss on loving your babies that much, he's a jewel!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Perhaps this isn't really a "kid" problem. Teens are often obnoxious creatures even on their best day. The've had three years to build their own relationship with their "new" dad and if they haven't, dad bears most of the responsibility. If they come to you more, it's probably because they know you best and they see you more. I think your hubby needs to develop his own relationship with the kids. Maybe you should suggest that dad schedule a day once in a while and take the kids somewhere. You can use the break and they need to bond and build their own relationship. You can't tell a kid to love someone. The way dad interacts with them will determine how they feel about him and how they treat him. No matter what he does, they're going to act odd and sometimes rude because they're kids. I wouldn't put up with anyone in the household treating any other member with disrespect or bad manners. Just walking past someone without acknowledging their presence in one's home is just bad manners. You square that problem away the same as you deal with any other form of bad manners.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Why not just tell them you'll talk it over, whatever it is they're asking, with your husband and get back to them. Your children will then see the two of you working as a team and know the manipulation has ended, if that's what they're doing, and your husband will feel part of the team.

Surely that's the way to be anyway?

Bob



ladtbug81 said:


> I have two kids from a previous marriage, whos dad actually oassed away when they were really young. My now husband has excepted them as his own and we have even had a little one together
> 
> 
> So my hubby has expressed that he feels like a "guest" in the house. He says he feels this way because the two older kids will walk right past him to ask me a question. They will even go ask him where I am just to find me to talk to ask me something. Then they ask something so easy that they could have asked him.
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

AFEH,

I like that idea. When my kids griped about my "new" wife, I told them that a word from her was the same as from me and for them to work it out. When my wife complained about the kids, I told her she had complete power to handle discipline problems the same as I would if they happened when I was home. You have to present a united front or the little terrorists will divide and conquer the both of you.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It's normal that they would come to you, it's what they're used to. You have to find a way to make him feel more welcomed into the family, and for them to realize they can go to him. I would start with sending them to him for some stuff. Say your daughter comes to you and wants to spend the night at so and so's house. Tell her to go ask him if it's ok. Or she wants a ride..tell her to ask him if he can give her a ride, even if you have to fib and say you can't or something. 

I do think, thought, that some responsibility has to lie with him as well. While the kids are, to a point, doing what is natural, they also may feel that they can't go to him. He may be putting off a vibe that gives them that impression. I think you should talk to the kids, whether he wants you to or not, and at least find out how they feel about this.


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