# Deployed/wife wants space



## joe808 (Oct 24, 2009)

My wife and I got married in 2008... just last year. I am 26 and she is a year older. I am in the military and I am currently deployed for 6 months. Next week, I return home!

Before I left for this deployment my wife and I had a lot of little arguments. It seemed like she was already unhappy with our marriage and I tried to make her happy. I would let her shop, get massages, hang out with friends, go on leisure bicycle rides, I took her to Disney World and Hawaii, Miami, and Las Vegas, San Diego, saw Mama Mia, I cook most of the time. But, my wife felt we spent too much time together and had too much sex. By the time I left we stopped having sex. The more I tried to strengthen our marriage, the more unhappy she got.

During my deployment I sent her flowers, and mail things to her and try to tell her that I really love her. I don't get the reciprocal enthusiasm from her. Maybe I am reading it wrong but this is my perception.

Lately, our phone calls (once a day) have been dull and even moments of long silence. Yesterday, my wife tells me that when I get back, she wants "space" and reminded me that we spent too much time together before I deployed. She said she just wants to be "friends". I don't understand what that means. She said she was happier before we got married.

But I am returning home and all I can think of is spending time with her and trying to strengthen our marriage and its hard for me to understand how my wife feels differently about it and actually doesn't want to spend time together after being apart for so long. I am confused and hurt by her words because I love her. Any help or some suggestions for coping with this is appreciated.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Sorry to hear your situation but there are some bad signs here.. She wants space and you haven't seen each other in 6 months.. Hmmmmm This screams affair. I would seriously look into it.. I can almost bet there is OM involved. Obviously there are some issues she can't get past.. Not sure if the deployment is a big one. With seeing you everyday she might have withdrawn.. keep us posted on what you find out.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

It is sooo normal to have a lot of little stupid fights before a deployment, and I think hubby and I do that almost every time he gets ready to deploy. The stress comes out and rears its ugly head and you both tend to snap, completely normal. 

My husband has deployed about 4 times and gone on numerous schools and trainings that last a month or two and it is hard to adjust. Never once did I tell him WHILE HE WAS STILL DEPLOYED that I wanted space when he got back. I wouldn't necessarily say it was another man, but I would take that as a huge sign of whats to come. It could be something as little as she is really nervous about you coming back. A lot of times you guys come back all buff from working out a lot during deployments and we are just as we were when you left. That can be a nervewracking thought to some.

If nothing else, I would sit down with a chaplain when you get back and tell him about what is going on. If you can get her to go with you great but if not, just go by yourself and see what he says. They have an amazing insight into these things and they are the one person you can talk to that will NOT tell anyone else that they are talking to you. Very private.

Let me just be clear here when I tell you that I consider my job back home when hubby is deployed the most important thing. If it is not life threatening or something that he absolutely needs to know, he doesn't know until he is back for good and safe. Just the fact that she is doing this while you are still over in a deployment actually makes me wonder what the hell she is thinking. Best of luck and I hope you get some answers from her.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

given her life experience i'd follow dawn's lead.

but do give your wife some space.

good luck and i'm sorry you are distracted with such nonsense while deployed.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

It pains me to say this Atholk, but I only think you're partially right. I will agree with you that to some women who are not well mentally, nice can be misconstrued as weakness. However that being said, I think he is facing another problem entirely. I believe he is facing a wife who sounds as if she's moved on.

I would first check to see that all has been "quiet along the watch tower" in your absence. I would honestly just flat out ask her Joe if she has been faithful. I would try not to raise my voice, just firmly express to her that you deserve to know. Let her know she "owes" you that at a minimum. I agree with Atholk that "friends only" is not an option in a marriage. That is complete and utter b*llsh*t in my opinion. Let her @ss go and be "just friends" with someone else. If she denies the affair and you believe her, then my recommendation would be for temporary space and couseling. 

It may take awhile, but having been in the service myself and deployed, it can take a little time to get to know one another again. In closing though, I am nervous that there is so little emotion between the two of you. When I would get back from "camp", my wife and I would be practically stripped by the time we got back to our car. There should be tremendous built up sexual energy between two young married people in love who have been apart for months, and I am sensing none of that. Not a good sign. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Thanks for your service Joe.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Even if she has moved on - everything Atholk said applies to your next relationship. Guy - you are killing your own relationship by doing more and more ass kissing/etc to a woman who is being more and more cold to you. 

Read his posts and follow that approach. And in the future when you start getting the ***** treatment, start doing your own thing and she will either chase you - or it is not a viable relationship. Being too nice is the absolute kiss of death. 

And I have been happliy married 20 years. No cheating on either side. And I treat my wife like a princess - except when she deserves a spanking - which is at least twice a week. Sometimes the spanking is verbal often it is physical. 





Atholk said:


> Yes I agree that there is a chance she has found somebody else. I'm hoping that isn't the case. Even so, whether or not she has, he needs to adjust his interaction with women away from the dreaded clingly nice guy approach that just kills a woman's intertest dead.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> And I have been happliy married 20 years. No cheating on either side. And I treat my wife like a princess - except when she deserves a spanking - which is at least twice a week. Sometimes the spanking is verbal often it is physical.


Ok lets keep the bedroom talk down.. This isnt the sex forum.. They go wild their..


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