# Need advice - husbands addiction



## dburger82

I'm new to this forum, and my decision to join it was because of a post in this forum. When I read a particular post, I feel like I was reading about my own situation with my husband. I've been with my husband for 13 years, with 5 of those being married. I've been dealing with his addiction since about 6 months after we got together. Over the years, this situation has gotten better, but it's still really bad with his lying is manipulating and his stealing to support his habit.

In the beginning of 2016, my husband actually went to jail for about 4 months. I told him that I would stick by him when he got out as long as he made a effort to get help through meetings and seeing a therapist or whatever else was going to be able to help him deal with his addiction. Since then, hes gone on several huge binge using sprees where hes used thousands of dollars we didn't have to use and I've become very distant from him in recent months.

He suggested a trial separation through the end of this month since hes going to his sister's house in California, and I told him that I may need longer than that. I found myself Googling what's involved with separating and divorce procedures in New York State in recent weeks. It's comforting to know that other people have been in the same type of situations.


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## pragmaticGoddess

I think it’s time to be honest with your children. They have figured it out and to hide it is more damaging. They know that something is wrong with their and they need you on their side. Covering up for their dad demonstrates you are on dad’s side, opposite from them. They already have one crippled parent, don’t give them another one. 

You can read Love is a Choice which deals with codependency in relationships and start to think about yourself and your children. Your husband needs professional help, you’re right. Your job is to ensure he gets that help but you cannot help him on your own. Don’t try to be his rescuer. Don’t be a martyr.


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## EleGirl

@dburger82

I moved your post out of the old thread that you posted on so that you have a thread of your own.

There are many people who have dealt with the issues you are dealing with. it's one of the reasons that divorce exists... because sometimes the people we marry turn out to not be good partners. A person who has a drug addiction is married first to the drug.

Have you spoken to any attorneys yet?


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## dburger82

EleGirl said:


> @dburger82
> 
> I moved your post out of the old thread that you posted on so that you have a thread of your own.
> 
> There are many people who have dealt with the issues you are dealing with. it's one of the reasons that divorce exists... because sometimes the people we marry turn out to not be good partners. A person who has a drug addiction is married first to the drug.
> 
> Have you spoken to any attorneys yet?


I haven't spoken to an attorney just yet, but as I said in the other post, I will be by the end of next week.


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## EleGirl

dburger82 said:


> I haven't spoken to an attorney just yet, but as I said in the other post, I will be by the end of next week.


Have you found a good source of information on divorce in your state?


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## Chisox

Can I ask what religion you and your husband are?


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## dburger82

EleGirl said:


> Have you found a good source of information on divorce in your state?


Yes I have. In NYS, there are 7 reasons for divorce to happen, but it seems as though in order for most, all finances need to be separated and resolved prior to filing. This is part of why I want to speak to a lawyer first to make sure we do this as efficiently as possible. Worst case, we will enter into a separation agreement. Best case, divorce proceedings will be underway by Easter.


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## EleGirl

dburger82 said:


> Yes I have. In NYS, there are 7 reasons for divorce to happen, but it seems as though in order for most, all finances need to be separated and resolved prior to filing. This is part of why I want to speak to a lawyer first to make sure we do this as efficiently as possible. Worst case, we will enter into a separation agreement. Best case, divorce proceedings will be underway by Easter.


Division of finances is usually a large part of the divorce process, not done before the divorce is started. There are two main issues in divorce. One is custody of the children and the other is finances... this is because once a couple arrives at the stage of a divorce, there is nothing left but settling the finances and taking care of the children.

Who told you that all finances need to be separated and resolved prior to filing?


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## EleGirl

New York also has no-fault divorce laws. It's much easier and cheaper to file no-fault since you don't have to prove the fault. 


https://www.legalzoom.com/articles/no-fault-and-fault-based-divorce-in-new-york-a-checklist


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## dburger82

EleGirl, stuff I read online says that a no-fault divorce requires everything to be settled prior to final filing. I am so overwhelmed by this process that I know for sure I need a lawyer. I couldn't get a hold of the one today due to being closed for the holiday (they reopen on Wednesday). I am calling at 8:30am to try and set up something for this week. His family is full of lawyers (albeit not divorce lawyers) and he has been with them for the last 5 days so I need to get my lawyer in place ASAP.

We talked on Christmas Eve and I told him I cannot continue on. We will move forward with divorce proceedings and I have already put mine and my son's phones into my own name.


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