# He threatens divorce & I am thinking of leaving him



## darksky (Jan 6, 2012)

I have been married for 5 years. I fell in love with my husband because I saw how goofy he was, always being funny, always smiling with something silly to say or a crazy story. I had been in a few abusive relationships in the past and it felt like this would be the guy that would be far from being abusive. It was within our first month of marriage I came into our room and heard him talk to his daughters mom and he was yelling at her. I couldnt believe the torturous words and screaming. It was sickening how mean he was being to her and shes not really a likable person. I was in shock. But thought it was bc she was just so terrible. Then it is still first few months of marriage and for no reason at all he started yelling at me, telling me things that I didnt even do. I called a friend and stormed out then walking on the main road till her car came. He was very sorry, wrote a heart filled letter and I thought that was the end of that. 5 years later.. I have asked ppl for advice and as soon as I start to say what he has done to me for no reason in his anger, they say hes emotional abuser, he has anger problems, verbal abuser, hes bipolar, I need to leave him, or hes a good guy hes trying at least. He has drove the car off to the side of the road in anger and got out, slammed the door through the frame and then walked away. my 4 yr old son was in the car too. This was bc I had my head down then looked up and saw there was a red light and he was going 45 mph and I almost died in a wreck so I get scared in cars and I got scared. I didnt apologize bc I got scared so he was that mad. this was going home from my birthday party!! it was my freaking birthday. I never apologized. and i wont apologize for being scared. its a human reaction. and I didnt even say anything mean! I just looked up and gasped in fear. 

When he is in a bad mood, he will snuggle up with my son who he loves, chat with friends / coworkers and laugh even though hes pissed.... but when its me, he takes it all out on me with every single word, cutting me down, saying the most hurtful things, leave me in the car and run off, he literally yelled at me from one year to the next. While everyone was screaming Happy new year! he was screaming at me. That was 2 yrs ago. What did i do? Well I went to a mutual friends house and stayed too long. I wonder how he would react if I actually DID do something WORTH being mad about?? BC all of it is stupid nothings. we almost split bc I talked about a tv show. Not kidding. he was furious. tv show??? he thought i was talking about one show, but i was talking about another, he interrupted me, then when i tried to say that i wasnt talking about that one, then he got pissed. 

I have a thing of being a bit controling when I feel like hes talking me down so much. I have to keep some kind of control. so i am in charge of the finances, im actually in charge of everything. bc he only sits with a laptop when he comes home. or spends a super fun time with my son and makes me feel like crap. He wants us all to do things as a family and makes plans, but instead we get in fights over such stupid things. 

he threatens divorse. he has since our first month of marriage, and now its nearly 2xs a month or more than he will threaten it. then next day he loves me so much and were a great couple, goes on for a couple weeks then he misunderstands something like I talk in my sleep, He didnt let me finish, he thought he heard something else, or I mean like REALLY stupid little things. Ive told him to only threaten if hes serious. he agreed he was being a bit overdramatic. Yet it goes back to threatening divorce anyways but not meaning it. Yet more and more, I wonder if he does.

he tells me to "accept the consequences of my actions" when literally there was nothing that I did. he leaves the house and wonders around when hes mad sometimes to try to keep it from escalating. he tries. he really does. I know he does and he really is proud when hes went a long time with out freakin on me. he wants me to acknowledge it... or maybe he is wanting me to so that I stay and he can freak out on me more? omg I dont even know anymore! 
he tried to make an appt with a dr , bc we live in one of the biggest disaster zones in america, every doctor automatically thinks everyone has PTSD. its rediculous. So they wouldnt even listen to him. And I had told him he goes to get help or Im taking my son and leaving him. So he made another appt and then found out his insurance doesnt cover when he went to the appt. 

I dont know if i should leave him or not. When its bad, its really bad. the other day, for no reason. but a misunderstanding as usual, he got so mad at me, screaming. he yelled at me in front of my son. *hes 6 and autistic* There has been many times that my son has told him to stop yelling at mommy, or he tells me if I say "Hello darling," to him maybe he wont yell. trying to give me pointers on keeping daddy from yelling at me.  !! horrible. that he should worry about that sort of thing. I talk to him about it, and I know that it hurts him also he tells ppl daddy yells and mommy a lot, etc. when it includes the little one, I think that is a sign that I should go, that its not healthy. He talked to him and said he was bad and that he was sorry and hugged me and apologized for his behavior to me in front of my son. 

I wonder if I am in a bad marriage and that I should get out. yet, its a big decision.. and during the good, its just really nice to have him and we make a great family. But when its bad, he goes out of his way to make me feel worthless. My son loves him. I wonder if my husband is sticking around just for my son because hes the son he never had and always wanted. but then he will be so kind to me and take care of me when i had surgery.. so I just dont get it! i dont. I am so freaking confused by this point I wonder if I should go and leave. He has said divorce so much, i think should i? does he really want one? Is it ever going to get better or am I just waiting for nothing and waisting my time? He emotionally abuses and he verbally abuses - he wants to get help. Im about through. I think I really would be happier - me and my son if I move out. I daydream it when my husband is being mean. Of course I have several arrangements made if I need to leave immediately since I have a husband that threatens divorce all the time. 

Its so confusing, and I cant keep going through this. should I just go? Or should i support him and get him help, so maybe he can get medication he may need? He has cussed out coworkers while giving him a ride home. then hes like wow im a jerk! i need help. would you help or leave. its getting OLD. and i dont want to feel down on myself. its usually big events like holidays bdays, etc. too. which i dont get why.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

If he wanted to get help he would get help. He agreed but does not pursue the help? He is acting like a little boy who has tantrums and do you realize that YOUR child will do the same? If not now, later in life. I can't tell you what to do but for me, I would leave til he really gets help AND changes. As long as you stay you are sending him the message that, in reality, no matter what he does, you will put up with it. What reason does he have to change?
If he truly loves you he WILL do something and will prove it to you.
If not, why do you want or need this from a man?
Good luck


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

:-(

It's hard to have a marriage when you try to talk about your feelings and concerns (all legitimate and reasonable) and the other party can only come up with divorce as a solution.

That's what pushed me to divorce. I had already moved into my own apartment and gave my H a second (third, fourth, fifth, nth) chance (some of the chances he didn't even know about, I kept them to myself), and when he did something like that and I tried to talk about it he suggested divorce. I realized there was no way I would be okay being back in his house with my children in a rural environment sharing a bank account with him and then having no resources to leave. So yes, I filed for divorce myself. To be honest, the week before that he had mentioned suicide, but only as a control attempt to yank my heartstrings, and a low, pathetic attempt at that since he knows very well my father committed suicide when I was 17. 

It's hard for someone to threaten you with something that doesn't exist any more. 

After I agreed with him about the need for divorce, he called me all sorts of nasty names and told me to go 'back to my brother' whom I haven't seen for 15+ years who raped me as a child (5 years older than me, I was 12 and he was 17). That kind of solidified my decision, a normal emotionally healthy person would realize that after the breach of trust that occurred all through our relationship, that given the situation, my desire for divorce was normal, and he would have been accepting of that. Sigh. It's all so clear now. It's amazing how abuse clouds our thinking.

Trust your gut.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

The second your 6yo noticed it, is when it becomes time to just go. If you wish to stand by and get run through the ringer while you try to "help" him it is your choice (not a good choice but yours none the less) but as soon as it begins to affect your son it is no longer a choice.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

You say you've made arrangements because he threatens divorce all the time...I think the next time he threatens I'd take him up on it. I'm not sure how much help you can give the man at this point. Worry more about your children and yourself.


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