# Grass is Greener?



## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Hi all,
I am separated from my wife of 4 years. We have a 2year old daughter and only recently bought our family home. When we first separated, she went and slept with a guy and has said it was a mistake. This devastated me as I want my family to be together. She told me that she didn't love me as a husband and maintained that mind set up until 2 days ago. We went for a drink and talked for hours. I have to admit that I have been trying to reason with her and begged her to come back, which pushed her further away. My wife has now told me that she does love me and knows that her life with me and our child is what is important but she feels she needs to know for sure that the grass isn't greener! Basically, she told me that she needs to date someone and will not fall in love, before she can recommit and dedicate herself to our marriage. She even said that I could also date and she would not be deterred about trying to get me back if I was seeing someone else. Of course this is the last thing on my mind. I said that I accepted what she had to do, and since then she has said that she does hope for our future and is already sensing that the grass is not greener. What is going on here? If I don't go along with this...she would do it anyway and resent me for it....I can always threaten divorce but this will not bring my wife back. Has anyone got ideas or has seen a similar situation? Should I state that a time limit is required?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

There is no way she loves you!!..and she only wants you to date to justify her infidelity..boot her out immediately.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

You do not have to be okay with her decision! And if she backs away because of it, it's just an excuse on her part. You need to do what is right for you and your family. If you are willing to put up with her taking the time and space she needs, that is up to you. But you need to decide what it is you want and what it will look like. The problem with your wife wanting to date someone and see if she won't fall in love is who knows how long it is going take and maybe she'll need someone else to try it on, and so on, and so on. It sounds like she needs to make a definite decision - either stay with you or not.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

It's really hard to know what to think as she says that she moved on some days and others she can't decide. I did tell her that dating would be a bad idea although I went out with a friend and got chatting to some girls in a bar. My wife quizzed me as to what I had been doing the night before and I told her...She became enraged and didn't want me near her! What's going on here?


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

She thought she could have her cake and eat it too. She never thought you would talk to another women, so once you did she has had a harsh dose of reality.


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## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

I agree with CodeNameBob. She wants her cake and eat it too and wants to make it "okay" by giving you the okay to date but that's not what she really wants. She wants to do her own thing. She wants to see if she can have that spark with someone else but if it doesn't happen she wants to at least still have you to fall back on. This is totally unfair to you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Her game plan, whether consciously evil or not, is to keep you in-play (equals, paying the bills) while she looks for better options.

I now physically cringe when I read stories like yours, in part because I recognize, and lived through the behavior.

Buy these books. Read them. DO NOT, share with her that you are reading them:

"No More Mr. Nice Guy"
"Hold onto your N.U.T.S"


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Also avoid the urge to hold her head under water!!!


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

She told me through gritted teeth that the OM is still in love with his ex and wants her back. My W said that she always knew this deep down. Since then she has started calling me more often and offers to do activies with our daughter. She's going away for a week with our child to a health spa and wants to think over everything that has happened and work through the conflict in our marriage and her relationship with the other guy. She says that I've changed but needs her space at the moment. Also, I had a phone call whilst I was with her. It was a friend of mine but I ignored it as I was talking to her. My wifes eyes lit up and looked worried. I then showed her who it was that called and she seemed to relax. I think that she feels that I am really going out to find other girls even though I told her not to worry! What's that all about?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

She wants her cake and eat it to, I actually think you should give her a heavy dose of whoop azz by taking her up on dating other people. Maybe have your friend call and play it up be flirty and tell her something like"maybe your right maybe the grass is greener" I guarantee you if she thinks your having a better time than her with this arraingement she will try anything to not let you go besides it would be good for her to have this turned around on her.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> She told me through gritted teeth that the OM is still in love with his ex and wants her back. My W said that she always knew this deep down. Since then she has started calling me more often and offers to do activies with our daughter. She's going away for a week with our child to a health spa and wants to think over everything that has happened and work through the conflict in our marriage and her relationship with the other guy. She says that I've changed but needs her space at the moment. Also, I had a phone call whilst I was with her. It was a friend of mine but I ignored it as I was talking to her. My wifes eyes lit up and looked worried. I then showed her who it was that called and she seemed to relax. I think that she feels that I am really going out to find other girls even though I told her not to worry! What's that all about?


If the OM didn't want to get back with his wife she'd still be with him. She's tagging you along in the hope that the OM's wife wont take him back.

What to do about it? IMO you've been tolerant enough already. But you have such a balancing act it's unbelievable, a young child and evreything else to take care of in your home while your wife's "out". She needs a very big wake up call. Intolerance is the way to do it.

Bob


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Brewster actually has a good point on dating, believe or not some spouses who seemed totally uninvolved in their spouse after separation, EA or PA, seem to all of a sudden take notice when the other spouse starts seeing other people, I should know, I started dating again and my totally uninvolved wife suddenly cares what I do and where I go..not that it matters anymore, just saying it can happen and it kinda feels good but that's about it.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Well this week, she has been warmer towards me and we have even spent some time together taking our daughter out and spending time alone at home. She thanks me for a wonderful time and is great at hugging and that's positive right? Problem is that she doesn't want to be seen out with me in our town. She says that she knows alot of people and her head is not right at the moment. 
I think she has told many people that she's separated and doesn't want to look like she can't stay away from me but could it be something else? She seems so indesisive right now and is due to go on a weeks break with our daughter. She says she will use this time to think things through but I don't know if she really will or if it's just buying her more time. She can never make any plans as far as I'm concerned and cancels things that we have planned together even though she may have appeared enthiusiastic at the time. Whats going on here guys?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Keep whimpering over her if you want, or, decide for her and give her the boot!!!!!!!!!!


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> Well this week, she has been warmer towards me and we have even spent some time together taking our daughter out and spending time alone at home. She thanks me for a wonderful time and is great at hugging and that's positive right? Problem is that she doesn't want to be seen out with me in our town. She says that she knows alot of people and her head is not right at the moment.
> I think she has told many people that she's separated and doesn't want to look like she can't stay away from me but could it be something else? She seems so indesisive right now and is due to go on a weeks break with our daughter. She says she will use this time to think things through but I don't know if she really will or if it's just buying her more time. She can never make any plans as far as I'm concerned and cancels things that we have planned together even though she may have appeared enthiusiastic at the time. Whats going on here guys?


Duuuude shes playing you for chump change, shes keeping you on the string in case things dont work out like like she planned. 
She will use you for money, she may even give you sex, but really I think this is unacceptable, Id tell her to go straight to hell, at least give her some tough love and let her know you wont tolerate being second string. I also woud cancell all CCs, I would close all joint bank accounts, you might think Im being extreme, this is serious stuff here, my X rang me up to the tune of 10Gs on her way out the door and I got nothing close to the red flags you should be seeing. Good luck to Ya you will need it if you trust this one!!!!


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

If she doesn't want to be seen with you around town, you are the now her OM. You are plan "B". I agree with them on the tough love, it isn't easy, you may not get the results you want, i.e. her pulling her head out of her A**, but at least you can get some control back in you life. I closed all our joint accounts. It felt good and bad, but now I can see who my STBX is, a money grubber.

Take control as soon as you can, it doesn't make things a lot easier, but it does help on the bad days,


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

So the undertones of this is she thinks she is better than you and thinks she can do better than you but she is not willing to risk everything to find out. Hence you being kept on a string. I dont see how you will be able to keep any self respect if you settle for this arraingement. Tough love at the very least, MAN UP, tell her dating other people is unacceptable, EMs are unacceptable, you will not sneak around with her because you are her husband.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Well tonight I took her to a collegues of hers for a girls night in. AS I arrived, we got out of the car, I went to kiss her on the cheak and she ran away laughing nervously! When in the house, she always accepts hugs and kisses! It does feel like I am a dirty secret and she has made such a big deal of telling everyone that she's separated that I guess she would loose face. I don't think there is an OM around at the moment as she's concentrating too much attention towards me. I know what you guys are saying about tough love but if I didn't at least want to try and save my marriage, I'd unleash hell! She acts like a teenager, always on facebook and texting people...since we moved to a new town, I don't know anyone as I work on the road but she has a huge social network...many of her friends are men. How can I get her away from all that and see that her family are what's important?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

sparkside1 said:


> How can I get her away from all that and see that her family are what's important?


We've been telling you that. But you still mistakenly believe that you can 'save' your marriage and make her 'see' by being sweet, compromising, accommodating, and loving, while letting her dictate terms, and you walk around on egg shells. It will not work. Not ever. If anything, you only widen the gap. At best she takes greater advantage of you - while you think you're actually making progress.

What are your boundaries? What you don't seem to understand is that if you really do want to save your marriage, then unleashing hell is exactly what you should be doing, rather than trying to keep the peace and get closer. She doesn't respect you. And your behavior to be complicit and hopeful only strengthens that lack of respect.

Stay on the course you have chosen - and this ends badly - for you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> How can I get her away from all that and see that her family are what's important?


She’s abusing you, who you are at the very core of yourself.

IT IS YOUR BEHAVIOUR THAT IS ENABLING THAT ABUSE TO CONTINUE.

She wants to live like a single person? Tell her you’ve had enough, that you will no longer tolerate her behaviour and she’s to go and sleep on the couch in one of her single friends house or whatever.

That’ll give her something to tell her friends about “He kicked me out, I can’t believe it. I thought I had him on a string”.

And just maybe you will get what you want. You need to make her believe that she’s lost you and her home. At that point in time she may begin to appreciate what she has with you.

Bob


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Get this..last night my W went out the town with some friends. She got very drunk, did a load of coke and was propositioned by plenty of men. She stayed at one of her friends houses but called me in the morning if I could go and collect her as she felt unwell. When I saw her she was badly bruised from falling over and looked like s**t.
She said that she felt terrible for what she had done and it made her realise what is is valuable in her life. She was obviously on a come down from the coke but she knows that she just wants to be with me. She says she needs a few days to think before she can seriously consider working on our marriage. She doesn't want anyone else. I thought I'd be delighted but I've never felt more cautious. What now? The grass is obviously not greener but what's to say that she won't fall back into her warped reality again?


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Sparkside1, 

You need to run for the hill on this one, once she gets over the low point and guilt of the cocaine she will go back to the same woman that was and is hurting you. If she wants to work on the marriage she needs to go to councelling with out you and work on herself. She needs to be completely open with you and the counselor on what she has done and how low she has gone. She will not change until she hits rock bottom, and she is far fromit because you were there to save the day.

I know this because my STBX is looking for the bottom and taking her family with her. She has no plan to fix herself or our marriage. She is only drinking, but if she starts popping pills it is all over. Your wife has already started doing blow to party with friends, you need to ask yourself, will she give up those friends to save herself, your marriage? If your answer is "NO", then you know what you need to do, RUN. If she really cared she would have called you when the night started to get her out of the bad situation, but she waited until the blow was gone, and noone else could take her home. If you have done it, you know what it does to you, if not, it isn't good.

CNB


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

She has agreed to go to councelling. I told her to go alone for now as she's got plenty of issues to work on without bringing the marriage into the equation. I know what coke does as in my youth, I did it all...that's why I have been cautious. She has asked me if I have forgiven her for her affair. I told her that I haven't yet and we need to work through it and she has must cease all contact with the OM. She said she wouldn't contact him. I also strongly suggested that we get out of dodge and rent our home until we can sell it. I feel it's the only way to get her away from all these so called friends. She's gone away with our daughter and has been texting me all day saying she misses me and wants me to go and stay with her. I refused and told her that she needs this time for her to reflect on her behaviour. She understood in the end and I really hope she wants to work on our marriage when she gets back but putting bounderies in place when you don't have all the aces is a tough job. I know that she needs to address the problems but I have a feeling that she will try and bury her head in the sand some what.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I think it is awesome that you are being so strong. Strong for both of you, but making her stand on her own two feet. If you have danced with the "White Devil" like you said then tread lightly, for as you know she needs to be strong and watch herself. You need mental strength more than physical strength to fight the desire to do it again.

I will pray for you that she stays strong and remembers what her family means to her. I think you are ahead of the game that she is showing some repentence, but like I said tread lightly. Get her away from the "Friends" as soon as possible.

I lost my STBX to her "Friends" and now I know she is in a complete downward spiral.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

I feel for you codenamebob, These toxic friends have no respect for marriage as long as they have their good time friend to boost their own egos. My wife says she is almost ready to work on our marriage but I know that I have to break this inner circle of predators and so called friends in order to protect my family. I know men flirt with my wife all the time and she never seemed to get involved unless we had problems between us. I'm not saying that she slept with anyone but after everything that has happened, I'm not too sure. There is so much trust to rebuild, I'm not even sure where to start. I went out the other night to meet some friends. She thought that I was going to meet a woman. As ridiculous as it it seemed, I sent her a picture of me with my buddies standing next to the digital clock in the railway station to prove my innocence! She appologised for her paranoia but it just highlights the work involved on both sides.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

All I can say is the best of luck to ya, I dont think after the EA possible PA, wanting to play the field, and using Dope that I would be able to trust that she wont get board and do it again. Hope it works out for you 2


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Totally agree with brewster, you can be a fool for how long?...Damn I hate seen men made into fools!!!


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## lafatherandhusband (Jul 21, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> Get this..last night my W went out the town with some friends. She got very drunk, did a load of coke and was propositioned by plenty of men. She stayed at one of her friends houses but called me in the morning if I could go and collect her as she felt unwell. When I saw her she was badly bruised from falling over and looked like s**t.
> She said that she felt terrible for what she had done and it made her realise what is is valuable in her life. She was obviously on a come down from the coke but she knows that she just wants to be with me. She says she needs a few days to think before she can seriously consider working on our marriage. She doesn't want anyone else. I thought I'd be delighted but I've never felt more cautious. What now? The grass is obviously not greener but what's to say that she won't fall back into her warped reality again?




wow!! love DOES make people crazy, but its not her - its YOU. i feel so terribly bad for you. you are married to a CHILD (a selfish, self-centered CHILD). RUN, do not walk away from this. you are worth so much more than this. i can't believe that some of what you wrote about what she done is actually real! this is awful, unhealthy, crazy....i could go on for days. SAY GOODBYE. turn the separation (4 years, btw??) into a formalized DIVORCE. if it hasn't worked by now, it never will. how can you want to be with someone who is embarrassed to be seen with you in public?? 

good luck to you. take care of your daughter and give the love that you have for the poor excuse for a "wife" to her.


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## Living Apart (Jul 22, 2010)

It sounds like she's confused. I am currently reading a book called Divorce Remedy and there are a ton of things in there that might be helpful!

Living Apart


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

I have been reading the divorce remedy too! It's the best book out there by far...so much so that I've followed the steps to the letter. And guess what? Tonight my wife called me and said that she realises what a fool she has been and wants to work on our marriage and hopefully we will be back together in our house before christmas! She knows that there is a lot of work to be done but said that she loves spending time with me and that I have changed so much since we split. She just wants to be with me and nobody else! The book really did help my sanity, and also a good therapist kept me going through this darkness. I know my wife has been very confused and she is willing to go and get help for her wayward behaviour. Looks like the grass wasn't greener afterall.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> I feel for you codenamebob, These toxic friends have no respect for marriage as long as they have their good time friend to boost their own egos. My wife says she is almost ready to work on our marriage but I know that I have to break this inner circle of predators and so called friends in order to protect my family. I know men flirt with my wife all the time and she never seemed to get involved unless we had problems between us. I'm not saying that she slept with anyone but after everything that has happened, I'm not too sure. There is so much trust to rebuild, I'm not even sure where to start. I went out the other night to meet some friends. She thought that I was going to meet a woman. As ridiculous as it it seemed, I sent her a picture of me with my buddies standing next to the digital clock in the railway station to prove my innocence! She appologised for her paranoia but it just highlights the work involved on both sides.


If you are having to defend yourself when going out with your friends because of her guilt then you need to accept she is up to no GOOD, absolutely no good. Facebook and texting are the devil, she is playing with the white devil, that is two strikes.

The third strike are her toxic friends. I have accepted that my wifes closest friends are a big reason that I lost her. Examples from my experience that you can look at yours, see if there are parallels, if so run for the hills or kick her to the curb to wake her A** up.

Her best married friend, Misery loves company, my STBX would tell her BF would call and tell her that she is worried about her. They would meet for drink, get drunk, stick my STBX with the bill. My STBX would tell me that she could never share good news with her BF because she would get jealous and complain. Her BF husband was the same way with me, I stopped going out with them because the were always miserable, and the only thing that made them happy is getting drunk and palying video poker. Their car got repo'd and it was the banks fault, not their gambling. Overtime I suggested that she not spend time with these people, she told them and they began to undermine me, saying all I cared about is money, and my status in the company I worked for. A good spouse would not listen to friends, but mine stated that I am materialistic, she forgot she was driving the $40K car.

Single friends, all ****tail waitresses or bartenders. Single woman and men don't like partying with married people because we kill the game, we can't or won't take one for the team. Wedding rings run guys off, in my case my STBX had 3 1/2 carats between the engagement and wedding band. Her friends would complain that guys would look at her ring and leave, to much competition. As time passed that convinced her to not wear them when they went out, and I got mad it was because I am possesive. Her friends like that? Scandalous?

Lastly, people that lack ambition hate people with it. They will do what ever they can to take you out. You like me are an easy target for single guys. If you were ever a player remember the things you would say to women? I know what guys have said to my STBX, "If I had a woman like you, I would never take a job that would take me away from you, for even one night. Your husband can't love you if he chose a job that requires travel." Anything to make you look bad, she will feel wanted and sought after. People with less always want waht you got, from all walks of life, rich men want you beautiful wife, poor men want you job, your life, which includes your wife.

Either way the only way to save your marriage is make her chose, you or the other life. You may not like what you here, but it will give a chance to get yourself back, her respect, or your self respect back. In looking back we had those conversations, and she chose them. It is painful, but every day gets a little easier, and I know she may have done me a favor. I will move on find someone that wants the same things as me a good faithful relationship.

Hope it helps. Best of luck.

CNB


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

CNB, you are a good man and I have no doubt you will move on to a much better life. SS1, I may be your biggest critic, after your wife, I think you need to read your thread and look at how this woman sees you. Hey maybe im wrong, let me guess you will be subsidising her financially until she decides if she should move back in with you at christmas?


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Well I only pay for the child minder for our daughter and I buy my daughters essentials but nothing more. Your right though CNB, it's gonna have to be me or her other life, the two don't mix. She won't like it when I eventually tell her to quit facebook and cease contact with her single so called friends. I'm also concerned about how to get the truth out of her about the affair and the night she did the coke. I've found out that she now has a long list of guys asking about her from that night! Sure she hadn't shown any commitment before then but jesus, what the hell happened?! I need to know! So far, since she has decided to work at the marriage, she's managed to put a family photo back on the wall.....that's it though LOL! I'm also concerned how I am going to trust her again if she struggles to tell me what has really been going on. If I can't understand what happened then how can I believe her in the future? This reconciliation stuff is going to be hard work.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Stay strong, you will make it through as long as you stay strong. What I mean by that is do not let her off the hook, if she gives you spotty information, think do you really want to know the answer? Are you strong enough to know the entire truth, mentallly and physically, becuase the truth if bad will effect your entire body. Don't ask her or tell her directly to give up the friends and Facebook. You need to use I statements, for if you do not it will put her on the defensive. This is how you should go.

" Can we talk for a minute? I have a few things I would like to tell you about how I feel us working on the marriage. I appreciate you putting our family picture up again, for I feel like we are a family again with it up. That being said, I feel like we can't get where we need to go as a couple with "Our" single freinds in the mix. They are not in the same place as us in life. They have different goals than us right now, partying meeting a mate, where we are trying to save our marriage and keep the partner we have in each other. I also feel like Facebook is a very big distraction. I know you may use it to keep touch with friends, but I feel like other people, i.e. single men use it to meet women, or undermine relationships. How you feel about that? If you want to be on Facebook, how about we have joint page or family page?"

This type of conversation will do two things, keep her off the defensive, for oyu are talking about how you feel about the situation, without using YOU statements. Like you make me feel sad when you go out with oyur friends...Secondly, you will get to the bottom of where she is at in th e relationship.

My STBX used to communicate like this, but once she started teh EA or PA this type of converstation left our relationship. She used you statements when she asked for the divorce. I knew then that it was over.

I hope this helps. But if she is not willing to work I mean really work on it, make sacrafices, then you should know that she is not in it for the long hall. If that is th ecase then you need to start planning for the worst. I know that is a gloomy way at looking at things, but the best defense is a good offense. Take control of the situation, and drive the relationship where you wnat to go.

I know I didn't and I lost the game, now sitting on the sidelines I can see where I should have gone in my relationship.

Best of luck!!!!


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Thanks for your help CNB. At the moment she is being very friendly and appreciative of allthe things I am doing for her. It's been her birthday weekend and she spent time with her mom and family. All I have thought about all day si how to approach this tender subject. I also know that I have been too soft with her. I spoke to a friend of hers today and she is under the impression that my W needs to be fancied by other me due to her lack of confidence. She said that my wife wants to move away with me if we get on track because of what has happened in the town and she can't face people. I'm all for making up but the truth needs to ome out before trust can be restored again.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Glad to here that things are going okay this weekend. I hope it all works out.

One last thing I forgot, my counselor helped me she this about my STBX and myself. Basically, you need to ask yourself I am seeing who she is or am I seeing who I want her to be? I never really noticed or dealt with my STBX's low self esteem, why because I saw the tough exterior as hot and confidence, what I wanted to see. When I should have seen her tough exterior and *****iness as a cover for the low self esteem. I saw what I wanted to in her not all that she actually was, not a bad thing. It is like playing with fire though, you can get burned at any moment!


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

SS1, just be careful, dont let yourself be a door mat, maybe read self help books on boundaries. You are a nice guy, it may have seemed like I was ripping on you, really I just dont want you to get hurt. Personally I hope everything works out for you the way you want it to.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> SS1, just be careful, dont let yourself be a door mat, maybe read self help books on boundaries. You are a nice guy, it may have seemed like I was ripping on you, really I just dont want you to get hurt. Personally I hope everything works out for you the way you want it to.


+1

You have to man up to be a man. Letting her walk all over you will cause her to lose interest in you. I think you need to play hard to get.

For example, you can be honest about wanting to preserve the marriage, but explain that you are not sure if its salvageable. Express disappointment in her decisions, and mention that she just isnt being the woman you married. You might get a little more cold and mention that she needs to leave right now- "Umm, yeah I need you to leave right now- I have to think things through and see if this is something we can overcome. Ill call you when I feel we should talk some more." All of this would be stated calmly with a slight tinge of disappointment. You cannot seem as if your masculinity is being threatened or you feel insecure. After all, you are not insecure as a man, youre insecure in the future of "us." You must PROJECT that demeanor upon her.

If youre out with friends and she gets insecure and curious, I would say something like "I take my vows to marriage seriously, so stop asking. I do have my own friends and my own life and you must respect that." Now, you have shown moral integrity while causing her to feel bad about her own infidelity, and you have established your own social success while demanding respect for it. You have social value, and as humans are social creatures, thats important.

She broke the rules. She did the coke, had an EA, and made the mistakes. The ball is in your court, its your decision whether she should be forgiven, and you are the one with dignity. You need this to be your mindset, because ****** youre worth it.

For what its worth, I would leave her without hesitation and invest my efforts in a new social life and in bettering my mind for the benefit of the daughter. She made a choice when she cheated and did blow (and I bet she had plenty of sex while on that blow- dont sleep with her- she needs to get tested), and that choice was ME ME ME over you or US. Thats selfishness, and unless you continually keep her lusting over your strength, she will **** you without even looking back. FWIW...

Good luck.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Thinking more about this, what kind of woman does Cocaine while shes married and has a 2 year old daughter?? You dont know WHO had his way with her or what shes caught up in. She is being a very poor example for your daughter, although she is admittedly quite young

If I was you, I would find anyone (if possible) who was a witness to her cocaine usage, or a witness to her high/drunk behaviour. I would take this to court and get primary custody of the daughter.

If it comes out you were aware of the cocaine usage and did nothing to help your daughter, I wouldnt be surprised if the state ended up with custody. Forget your wife- the daughter is going to end up just like her if she has such indulgent behavior continually thrust into her reality especially if your wife ends up with custody.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

sparkside1: I think you can solve this and repair the damage, one step at a time. 

Only check you will need to do is the one for STD's, as pointed out one hopes nothing happened but for safety - presented to her correctly she should with your support go in , best for all. 

Best wishes


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Well today was a kick in the teeth. Basically I spoke to a friend of hers about things and said that I need to get to the bottom of things if we are to move on. When my W found out, she went mad and told me that she has enough guilt to deal with and doesn't want to discuss anything. She said that we are still separated and that she has her own life and it's none of my buiseness what she does right now. She says that I rushed her to get married and have a child and now she wants to be in control and make things go at her pace. She says that in that time she will go to therapy and work on her issues but there is only a 50-50 chance of us reconciling. She later appologised for the outburst but it seems that It's her way or no way. She says we should start dating and see how we get on. Just feels weird. We are married, she can do her own thing, go on dates with me and I have to be there for her until she is ready, in this case, christmas! I know I have to be patient and strong but I did nothing wrong here, She wanted another man and flirt with anyone that payed her attention. I can't even talk to her about her behaviour because she can't take it! I love her to bits and don't want to scare her away but what can I do actually do to take a stronger stance? She's got me by the balls because she knows that she can snap her fingers and I'll go back and want whats best for our family. I'm not going to leave her but I know that she is struggling without me.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

No, shes not struggling without you. She has another man giving her a good time, so she doesnt need you. Just think- youre worrying about her while shes focusing on him inside of her and certainly not thinking of you.

You are the fallback chump in case things dont work with the OM, and she will string you along until she can leave you or until the other relationship fails.

NO woman lets a man she is crazy about out of her sight or contemplates leaving him. Women do everything possible to secure the most capable provider male (male combining the best mix of intelligence, confidence, financial success, looks, etc) in order to ensure their survival and the survival of their offspring- ask an evolutionary biologist. Right now, that man isnt you- its the guy shes cheating on you with. She is currently most focused on making an upgrade to a better male, and you will become someone she loathes.

The ONLY way you take this situation back into your hands, and the only way you have a chance to make her want you is to LAY DOWN THE LAW and make it bluntly clear that shes in the wrong, you value the marriage, but that you are simply to bad*** a man to take her stalling and BS. Stop talking to him, go to counseling, and work on us NOW, or get out. Be brutal and dont try to spare her feelings- if the truth hurts her, its her own fault and not yours. You dont have to disrespect her (and shouldnt), but you also shouldnt accept disrespect.

MAN UP if you want her to look at you as a man.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> No, shes not struggling without you. She has another man giving her a good time, so she doesnt need you. Just think- youre worrying about her while shes focusing on him inside of her and certainly not thinking of you.
> 
> You are the fallback chump in case things dont work with the OM, and she will string you along until she can leave you or until the other relationship fails.
> 
> ...


+1 nothing has changed in this situation at all. I seriously didnt think it would, I totally read this woman right. If you want her back and really I dont know why you would, it cant be on her terms. SHE needs to have the choice of working on the marriage or a divorce. She has changed her words a little but her actions are the same, shes playing the field and keeping you on a string. Personally Id dump her like a bad habit, a true 1 way person who cant be trusted.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hey SS1,
Imagine you’re in a boxing ring, the opponents your wife. You’ve got your gloves on and you’re abiding by Queensbury Rules. Your opponents gloves are off and she doesn’t abide by any rules, everything goes. This “everything” includes blaming, false accusations, lies and deceits among other things. It’s why your heads in a spin and your emotions are all over the place.

On top of all that your wife’s seconds and trainer are feeding her all kinds of “rotten” stuff, how to do this or that, what she wants and doesn’t want, how to put the knee in etc.

If you were watching a movie about another couple where the same things are going on you might be a bit affected emotionally through empathy. But as you well know you are not watching a movie, it’s happening to you and it’s happening right now.

On top of all that you’re “in love” with your wife and you are playing head of the family trying to hold stuff together.

I reckon wives “know” when their husbands have had enough. That time comes when we stand our ground and tell them emphatically what it is that we will no longer tolerate. I told my wife “I will no longer share my life with you if you continue to …….”.

You have to take the initiative. You are fighting with a person who has no rules. It is time for you to put your armour on to protect you and your child. The armour you need to construct consists of your boundaries, the behaviour you will no longer tolerate.

Sad as it may seem though I think yours will take the normal course. And at the end of it all you will no longer be “in love” with your wife.

There is one thing you know for sure though. What you are doing, how you are handling the situation isn’t working. If you keep on doing the same thing you will keep on getting the same results.

Right now if you change your tactics by creating your boundaries and telling your wife what they are, the behaviour you will no longer tolerate from her, you may well get a result you want, then again you may not. It’s a risk, nothing ventured and all that. You can though be assured of a very different response from her. It’ll be new ground for you both, uncharted waters. You will be taking the initiative away from her and it’ll take a while for it to sink in.

Later on you may well change your strategy and take yourself right out of the boxing ring and build a new life for yourself and your child.


Bob


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Yeah, I know what you are all saying and I appreciate it. Tonight My w wanted me to book the holiday that she was unable to commit to a few weeks ago. She's started to try and build bridges with my family and is trying to include me in family activities. I found out that the OM is out of the picture. I'm not sure why or what happened but my W apparently thought things through and left him. I'd love to believe that it is def over but how can I be sure that he won't reappear in the future? He's wanting to bring over her "stuff" but I'm always around and he doesn't want to cause trouble...bless.. I think my w went through the loathing me part in grand style over the last few months. It's only now that I see the change in her behaviour towards me. They were laughing at me and she must have confided everything with him. She must have run out of things to tell him! One thing though, and I'd love to know what you guys think is, now that we're getting along well, when and how will she show me some geniune affection? She hugs me but when can or should I see some romantic love again? I know she's just finished an affair but it's darn uncomfortable knowing that the woman you married is happy to be in your company but won't be intimate with you...I don't want to jump the gun but it's almost proof that the OM has really gone for good.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Sparkside1,

I am kinda of glad to here things may be getting a little better for you, but you need to ask yourself why she changed so easily? You need to know the truth about the OM. What happens if he is interested again? What will she do then? Are you a stop over? I know you love her and want to be with her, but you are enabling her by not confronting the issues are getting to the root cause of her behavior. 

I wish you all the best, but I am worried for you because she has avoided all responsiblity and you have not forced her to face it either. I still say tread lightly!

CNB


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Yes, I know I have to be careful and that's what I'm worried about. I found out that it's over between her and the om but he has been contacting her on Facebook. Basically My w went to a camp site for a week, and wanted me to join her and my kid for the day. I took pics of them both and she posted them online. He then started asking who took the fotos and trying to catch her out about her relationship with me. It's like he's bitter or something. I can't stand it but don't know who to approach my w at this point as i don't want to pressure her or tell her what to do. We are getting on well but I am looking for obvious signs that things are on track. It's hard enough reconciling without another man in the back ground. A friend of hers told me that she wasn't happy with him and that they had some bad fights. What should I do now? I mean I need him out of the picture but don't want her to feel pressured.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I know you are feeling happier that things are getting better between the two of you, but you need to make her chose between the OM and you. If it was truly over between them, then why is he still a friend on her Facebook account? My STBX dropped all of my friends and family the day after she asked for the divorce, she has cut ties to anyone that would tell me what she is doing, to hide who she is from me and herself.

Your wife isn't telling about the other guy, her friend is, have you talked about why or what she found in him that she did not find in you? If you aren't trying to get to the root of the OM and EA your just postponing the end.

He is a concer that needs to be cut out of your relationship or hit with some severe radiation. Is she willing to get the treatment? Are you willing to get her there? If not the cancer will kill your marriage, it may not be this strain, but there will be another.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

I'm just worried how many other cancers are in my marriage right now. My wife keeps telling me we shouldn't rush things and need time. We are planning lots of activites, talking positively about the future and spending time going out. Problem is, she blows hot and cold and just when I think things are improving, she'll say "If" we get back together and keep me at a distance. There is no intimacy or flirting or even discussing how I may actually feel about the situation. How can she go out and flirt so easily with other men but can't do it with me? It's all about her and her timing. I even found that a condom is missing from the box in her drawer. I may be wrong for snooping but what the hell?? How can you work on a marriage anyway when it's all so one sided?


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

If you are getting feelings that require snooping then there is something there, call it your own little spidy-sense. Missing condom=bad news. I hate to be the one to say this, but you need to make some serious demands. If she is unwilling to meet you demands, then you need to put her out of the house. Read my thread, I don't want to belabor the issue, but all signs point to an affair, one that she is not willing to give up. The longer you allow her to walk all over you the more it is going to hurt later.

Do you really want to live your life thinking what if I stood up sooner, why did I allow this to continue? It isn't easy on either side of the situation, but can you feel yourself slipping away? If so, then there is a serious problem, not just in relationship, but within yourself.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> I'm just worried how many other cancers are in my marriage right now. My wife keeps telling me we shouldn't rush things and need time. We are planning lots of activites, talking positively about the future and spending time going out. Problem is, she blows hot and cold and just when I think things are improving, she'll say "If" we get back together and keep me at a distance. There is no intimacy or flirting or even discussing how I may actually feel about the situation. How can she go out and flirt so easily with other men but can't do it with me? It's all about her and her timing. I even found that a condom is missing from the box in her drawer. I may be wrong for snooping but what the hell?? How can you work on a marriage anyway when it's all so one sided?


**Sigh..**

A condom was likely missing because she used it to have sex with someone else. Shes telling you "we" shouldnt rush things because she doesnt want to commit to you; shes not INTERESTED in being with you right now. Shes looking for an upgrade, as I said before, and shes stringing you along. The only way for you to get her after you is TO BE SOMEONE, a man specifically.

A man doesnt NEED a woman to bring value to his life- he doesnt let a woman lead him along and he doesnt let a woman dominate his life by playing mind games. He enjoys a womans company, he tries to help her in any way he can, he SHARES his life with her, and he looks out for her. He pleases her sexually, both in terms of raw sexual lust as well as sensual passionate sex, and he uses his TENDENCY to be rational and reasonable to counter (for her benefit) her TENDENCY to be emotional at times.

STOP being her chump and pick yourself up. You lived without this woman before, and this is all the proof you need to show yourself you dont NEED her. Draw the line: tell her that youve got a life to live, you tried to fix ****, and shes stalling because she doesnt want to make a choice. Everything that comes out of her mouth at that point is bull, and move her stuff out. SHE cheated. SHE did cocaine. SHE wont be intimate. SHE is the one playing the games. SHE needs to leave, and YOU need to get busy at the gym, library, lawyers office, skydiving business, etc. Develop yourself, make your own rules on your own time, and agree to see her ON YOUR OWN TERMS AT YOUR DESIRED TIME. Basically, you need to take control, let her know you dont deserve to be treated like a doormat, and you need to make your life better.

Remember- she used cocaine. You go to court and tell them that (may even be able to get a drug test to prove it- dont know how long it stays in the system). You can use that to get the daughter away from a SELFISH DRUG ABUSER.

I, once again, would leave immediately, protect your daughter, and find a woman worth your time.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

After another restless night of sleep, I would have to agree whole heartedly with OP. You need to take control and get your daughter and you out of teh situation. Pack her s**t and tell her stay somewhere else while she is trying to figure out her life, let her know that her poor decesions have created this situation, and you will no longer tolerate it. I know it is going to hurt, but being stepped all over is going to hurt worse....Cocain only stays in you system for 30 days when it comes to a blood test, hair test may be another story, but I don't know about 1 time use.

Sadly, the drug use is the least of your worries, for her complete and utter disrespect towards you is far more damaging to all of you! Is the woman she is right now the role model you want for your daughter? Is this who you want to teach her how a woman should behave?

Again, stop asking what happened to the woman I married, but who was the woman I married? How long has she been hiding out in our marriage? If you look, truly look at your relationship of the years you will see the signs; signs you chose to ignore because you love, loved her, but they were always there.

These are the things my counselor have had ask myself and look at, they are very revealing. It will hurt because you will see all teh the things you ignored, and unfortunately are still ignoring today. 

This entire situation is toxic and you need to get out. I hate saying this, but others have eludes to it...Man the "F" Up.

"Our fate is what we make.",Sara Conners-Terminator...what fate do you want...doormat or healthy man?


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> After another restless night of sleep, I would have to agree whole heartedly with OP. You need to take control and get your daughter and you out of teh situation. Pack her s**t and tell her stay somewhere else while she is trying to figure out her life, let her know that her poor decesions have created this situation, and you will no longer tolerate it. I know it is going to hurt, but being stepped all over is going to hurt worse....Cocain only stays in you system for 30 days when it comes to a blood test, hair test may be another story, but I don't know about 1 time use.
> 
> Sadly, the drug use is the least of your worries, for her complete and utter disrespect towards you is far more damaging to all of you! Is the woman she is right now the role model you want for your daughter? Is this who you want to teach her how a woman should behave?
> 
> ...


The sad part about this whole situation (both the original poster and CodeNameBob's situation) is that whenever the women think about you, its about what a loser you are and how it was all your fault. You didn't do X, Y, and Z for HER the way SHE needed it to be done. And since women tend to be emotional in response, she works the emotions into a batter that defies all logical sense to give herself the moral pass and make he situation your fault.

To an extent (and please read this fully), she's right. You, whether by your own clinginess or your own tendency to be a doormat, did the things which ended up in her no longer interested. That said, you certainly never did the things she did to you, and you have been as civil as possible. Even if the relationship failed literally because of differences in you both, or as a result of growing in different ways, how in the world is it justified you feel this way and that she treats you (both) so cold?? Amazing how people can be eh?

I would check out CNB's thread Sparkside1- I would take his advice, too.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

well I think you are all right on this. Last night she went out again, took a condom with her and didn't return til this morning to go to work. I went back to the house this morning after snooping last night and she's put the condom back...didn't get lucky I guess. She then texts me asking how Me and our daughter are and is looking forward to going out with me and junior tomorrow afternoon but wants her space today. I'm at the end of the road here, why take a condom out for no reason? She is totally confused and cannot recommit right now. I do need to man up but this whole situation has become me and I have grown weak. I fear that I'll push her further away but at the same time she's out there having fun while I help her with everythin. She tells me that she needs time to miss me and not rely on the dependable me and see how she would struggle. She says that it's 50/50 weather she will want me back and that she is not 100% sure at the moment. To add to the garbage, her mother is going to live with her for a while in our house because she has left her boyfriend! It's all a circus and I feel that I'm on the sidelines watching my life pass by. How exactly should I tell her what the bounderies are? I'm sorry, I really do feel like I've lost my backbone and just don't know how to deal with this. Just as I think things are improving I realize that they are not. She constantly needs to be admired by men and I think she enjoys this life style and would be sorry to see it go.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Spark it's time to make lay out your game plan. Write it down if you have to and once it's in place, commit to it no matter what happens.

IMO, I would leave a note write by her condom box stating,

I know you've used 1 condom already and it wasn't with me. I know you took another one out and went out all night but returned the condom back in the morning. Good luck and have fun with your new life but it's time for me to make plans to move on with mine.

I married you to have a wife not someone who is having 2nd thoughts and is sleeping around to see if our marriage is worth keeping. If and when you do decide our marriage is worth saving let me know but don't expect me to be there waiting.

I want to thank you for being such a loving wife for so long and all the good times we've had together. I'm gonna try to move on with my life from this point on with or without you and concentrate on my family which at the current time consists of myself and our daughter.

If we're gonna move forward together, there will be new ground rules that you WILL have to abide by from me. If it's without you then I'll just have to live the with betrayal and pain. Maybe I'll find the person I love and married again, be it either you or someone else. B**CH (no don't put this in there)


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

She didn’t take a condom out for “no reason”. She took it out because she was expecting to get laid.

Is it over for you?

Is you marriage over, finished?

Bob


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

I asked her if she had gone out last night and she admitted this and said that she took a taxi into town with friends from work. I asked her if she was out very late and she nodded to say no. I asked if she had stayed over someone's house and she denied it. She looked a little sheepish and asked, why all the questions? I think she knows that she could be busted but She continues to lie even though we agreed to be honest with each other whilst we worked on our marriage. She then changed the subject and started discussing a shopping trip we are doing tomorrow. That is how it was left. I think she knows that it could signify the end but because I want to save our marriage and love her very much, if I let it go she will feel that she can do what she likes to me.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sparkside,
Being in love is huge, it’s massive. I was there for a very long time, decades in love with the same woman. Then I knew she lied to me and I knew her lies came so very easily to her. I knew then I had nothing, zero, absolutely nothing in my marriage.

You are still in love and still to come to your conclusions. My was I would not spend my time, my place on earth with a liar.

Bob


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

I just can't believe that after exposing her original affair and her promising me that she would not do it again, she is doing infact that. I have to admit that she went off the rails when we first married and there were other men hanging around then. I need the truth but know that because of her warped moral compass she will not want to be caught out again..maybe it would be a good thing for herto be exposed as a total liar but I think there is a time and a place. I sometimes wonder if she just needs to get all this juvenile behaviour out of her system before she recommits but I have to say that I'm afraid it may turn into a full blown affair. I cannot forgive this easily and she knows it. As I have said before, I actually want to save my marriage and yes AFEH, I am totally in love with her. I also want my daughter to have both parents living together but am having trouble with the reality that is the 21st century. Is there anyway of treading carefully here but still getting the message across?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I don’t know. You are way beyond my tolerance level. But when I was where you are I was in love with my woman and I had two sons who I wanted to be their dad.

Can’t help you Mate.

You have a liar in your life. What more do you need to know?

Bob


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

The more you let it slide the more she'll keep doing it. I have already stated alot of times (coming from the cheating side), you give me an inch I'm taking the whole damn yard.

If I can lie and play with your heart and head all the better cuz I get the best of both worlds. Sex with the OW and sex with my wife. If you're just gonna stick your head in the sand somethings gonna come and bite your ass and it's gonna hurt even more in the end.

To save the marriage you're gonna have to make some hard decisions. It took my wife to tell me to get the f**k out and live my the OW and don't ever come back. I did live with the OW for a while until I found out party girl, alcohol and drugs was probably not the life I wanted for my future. Only when I thought I was gonna lose my wife did the fog clear enough for me to see that.

As long as I thought the wife was still in the picture I could care less if this girl was an axe murderer just as long as I was getting sex and having fun it didn't matter cuz I could always just go back home to the wife.

I'm damn lucky my wife took me back. I would have kicked my wife to the curb if she was the cheater and did all that crap to me (at that point in my life).

I just cannot believe you let her steamroll you and change the subject right when you were about to bust her!!! She's probably thinking what a pu**y, he's so scared I'm gonna leave I can do whatever I want and he's not gonna say a single thing about it.

Keep that head of yours buried very deep, she's loving every moment of it, cuz I know I was. For all those that wanna go slow and take your time, good. There's always the chance us cheaters either got thrown out or bored and decide I'll just go back to the wife/husband, give them a kiss, say I'm sorry and I love you it was my mistake, shed a couple of tears and that's that.

If my wife had taken me back after I was done with the OW instead of kicking me out, I can swear to you right now

I WOULD STILL BE A CHEATING BASTARD TO THIS DAY.

Sorry if I'm being harsh but I see what's she's doing to you and it just kills me cuz that's everything I was doing and more. It's like watching my kids do something wrong and sitting there asking them did you do this? And they just lie right in front of my face and all I can say is been there, done that, used that lie, used that excuse.

She'll just keep screwing around if you don't do anything about it, because at this point she knows she has the upperhand and you won't do anything to stop her! Like I keep saying, it's what I would do because I was in her shoes.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

cheatinghubby said:


> The more you let it slide the more she'll keep doing it. I have already stated alot of times (coming from the cheating side), you give me an inch I'm taking the whole damn yard.
> 
> If I can lie and play with your heart and head all the better cuz I get the best of both worlds. Sex with the OW and sex with my wife. If you're just gonna stick your head in the sand somethings gonna come and bite your ass and it's gonna hurt even more in the end.
> 
> ...


:iagree: very well written and spot on.

So As I said time after time and you dont want to see, this biatch hasnt changed her game plan one bit at all. Her game plan has always been to keep you on a string, while see wh0res around, parties, and generally has a good ole time. If things dont work out she will come back to you. 

Heres the deal, I dont know how you could forgive such a betrayal or even want her back. If she came back how long before she does this again? God knows shes not facing any reprecussions for doing this. 

Your actually going to let her move in her mom in, WOW are you for real, MAN the F**K UP. You wonder why she does this crap? Its because you let her. KICK her A$$ to the curb NOW!!!!

At least make a stand and tell her she can live with her Mom but not in your house. In fact kick her out until she make a commitment to work on the marriage, no all nighters with friends. No flip flopping on whether the marriage will be getting worked on or not. Any violation of agreements will mean her moving out period.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If it was me I'd go in my house when nobody's there and change the locks.

Bob


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

She tells me that she's not keen on her mom staying and I've told her to get a time limit and ask her when she intends to go. My wife agreed. I know that what you guys are saying is true and she needs to see what it will be like when I'm gone completely. I must admit, after talking things through with a friend, it's strangely exciting but frightening. She has controlled my head and heart for years and it's not easy to break the spell. If I wasn't so love struck it would be an easy choice. If you think it's what she needs to wake her up then I'll plan my escape. We're going on holiday in a few weeks to my home town in italy. I hope that once she is on my turf away from everything I might get some answers. If not, then I'll be ready. God I'm scared..


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If you are anything at all like me things about your wife’s behaviour, driven by her inner, hidden values and beliefs will become so much clearer to you when you have distance and time away from her.

I know my wife is really struggling without me. I was her rock for an exceptionally long time but I couldn’t take her abuse anymore. I know now she doesn’t even see her behaviour as abusive, it just comes naturally to her. It’s who she is type of thing.

I went through about 6 months of hell after we separated. Believe it or not I was so stressed out I nearly collapsed at the table round friends while having dinner. A friend sat opposite saw what was happening at the table and watched out for me. I thought I’d covered it up and no one saw it.

Now my inner peace and contentment has returned and I’m enjoying life again. Never thought I’d be happy without my wife but I am and I’m looking to the future again.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Sparkside,

I have said it before, I am sorry that you are going through this situation. But you need to wake the F**K UP, she is not worth your time or love right now, our situations are similair, not exactly the same as others have mentioned, but where we are different right now is I have some feeelings of self worth. I value my life, soul, and well being enough to not put up with or pine over the what if's...yes my STBX asked for the divorce, but her behavior was starting down the path of yours.

Your love for her can't chnage her, but only change you. It is making you blind and weak in the knees, do you want your daughter to grow up in a family where her father is a door mat, and mother is a (sorry for lack of a better word) wh0re? 

You are married, why does she have condoms in the house? If she was trying to avoid pregancy why not the pill? She has no intentions of stayin with you, 50/50 give me a break. She is not the woman you love she is the devil. You are in love with what could have been, not her.

It is not going to be easy, not by a long shot, but you need to get her out of the house ASAP.

My divorce will be finalized in 2 weeks, and I almost started crying at dinner last night when talking about my STBX, yes I love her and always will, but the tears weren't for her, they were for me. I realized during dinner, how much of myself I have lost and am trying to get back, it is not an easy ting to face. How much of yourself do you want to lose? 

She is mentally and emotionally castrating you, why not just give her knife? I am sorry for being harsh, but you are a good man that wants to do good things, but she is totally making you do it on your own and will never help you.

Ask youself, "When people play with fire over and over then get burned, do I feel sorry for them? Are do I think what a Dumba**?" How do you want to think of yourself?

I wish and hope the best for you, but you need to do the same for yourself. Not her, not you two together, but only you. You need to be strong for yourself and your daughter, noone else will in your situation.

Last thing, do you like her mother? Her mother's life choice? I ask because if you don't then think about this...you marry the mother!!! She is the woman that raised and created your wife...she is moving in because her boyfriend is gone....Hmmmm do you see a pattern?

Good luck!!!


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> Sparkside,
> 
> 
> Your love for her can't chnage her, but only change you. It is making you blind and weak in the knees, do you want your daughter to grow up in a family where her father is a door mat, and mother is a (sorry for lack of a better word) wh0re?


This is a very important question, do you want your daughter to be like your wife? 



CodeNameBob said:


> She has no intentions of stayin with you, 50/50 give me a break. She is not the woman you love she is the devil. You are in love with what could have been, not her.
> 
> It is not going to be easy, not by a long shot, but you need to get her out of the house ASAP.


Disagree here, Bob, this Wh0re will stay with him as long as she can steamroll over him and do what she wants to him. Why wouldnt she, she tells him a bs line about working on the marriage, lays him and she gets cheap living expenses. Hell this guy is even going to let her move in her mother, I bet the marriage will get worked on then! Something will get worked on, Him.

SS1 I dont know what kinda spell this woman has cast on you but why cant you see what SHE IS DOING! She must be a trophy wife for you to tolerate this kinda abuse. The biggest thing to consider is your daughter do you want her to be like this woman? If you cant do it for yourself do it for your daughter, GET RID OF THIS WH0RE.


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## Endnote (Aug 15, 2010)

I think the most important perspective we have here is that of cheatinghubby. And he's right. You need to show this woman that she can't treat you like a doormat, because if you let her she'll never stop. Put your foot down. Don't get caught up in a web of lies. These are her lies spun to justify her failures. As a great friend once told me, if you want to have it all you've got to let it all go.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Endnote said:


> I think the most important perspective we have here is that of cheatinghubby. And he's right. You need to show this woman that she can't treat you like a doormat, because if you let her she'll never stop. Put your foot down. Don't get caught up in a web of lies. These are her lies spun to justify her failures. As a great friend once told me, if you want to have it all you've got to let it all go.


:iagree: If you want to try to keep her. The problem is how could someone even be able to trust a person like this? I think SS1 wants his wife to be a good mother and wife and the prospects of that happening are NILL.


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## Endnote (Aug 15, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> :iagree: If you want to try to keep her. The problem is how could someone even be able to trust a person like this? I think SS1 wants his wife to be a good mother and wife and the prospects of that happening are NILL.


Isn't that the truth? Rebuilding trust would take a long time. But more importantly, it's going to take her years to change. Just like my soon-to-be-ex. If this immaturity is here now, it's going to take a long timefor her to change that. These aren't things that just go away after a few months. These are changes that need to take place now, but realistically, what person could truly become a better person in the blink of an eye?


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

It's been another odd evening. I went to the house and she could sense that I was pissed. She asked what was wrong and I asked her what really happened the other night. She reacted very badly and started saying that she can't handle the stress and even the sight of me. She then said that it was her house and she can do what she likes. I reminded her that it was our house and she can't continue to treat me like this. Later in the evening she denied even saying all this and said that we need to have more space for her to miss me and realise what she has in me. She appologised for being mad and blamed pms and her sinusitis which she has had for a while now. She still likes to speak as if we are going to decorate our daughters room and do the garden together in the new year. All very cosey. I sometimes wonder if she has a plan to get her kicks and freedom out of her system and then have this nice picutre perfect family christmas together. It may be true but then it may be that this separation could go on for years if it suits her. I just need to know how to focus on other things whilst I'm still local to her in the same town. It's hard trying to be a good father but still keeping my distance and sanity. Part of me is getting bored of all this BS and Id like to be wanted and respected for once. My wife's mother coming is a whole different world of s**t. I can't see how we can work on anything with her around even though, let's be honest, she is not working on anything. All this will be a decision only she will make when it suits her. Difficult to believe that after all this time and our history and a family, somebody can be so twisted. She says to me that nobody could ever replace me! All just very weird that my wife and child live 400 yards from me and I'm not with them and she can live without me so easily.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> It's been another odd evening. I went to the house and she could sense that I was pissed. She asked what was wrong and I asked her what really happened the other night. She reacted very badly and started saying that she can't handle the stress and even the sight of me. She then said that it was her house and she can do what she likes. I reminded her that it was our house and she can't continue to treat me like this. Later in the evening she denied even saying all this and said that we need to have more space for her to miss me and realise what she has in me. She appologised for being mad and blamed pms and her sinusitis which she has had for a while now. She still likes to speak as if we are going to decorate our daughters room and do the garden together in the new year. All very cosey. I sometimes wonder if she has a plan to get her kicks and freedom out of her system and then have this nice picutre perfect family christmas together. It may be true but then it may be that this separation could go on for years if it suits her. I just need to know how to focus on other things whilst I'm still local to her in the same town. It's hard trying to be a good father but still keeping my distance and sanity. Part of me is getting bored of all this BS and Id like to be wanted and respected for once. My wife's mother coming is a whole different world of s**t. I can't see how we can work on anything with her around even though, let's be honest, she is not working on anything. All this will be a decision only she will make when it suits her. Difficult to believe that after all this time and our history and a family, somebody can be so twisted. She says to me that nobody could ever replace me! All just very weird that my wife and child live 400 yards from me and I'm not with them and she can live without me so easily.


sparkside1
Do you suffer from low self esteem? Have you checked that out?

May be worth looking in to.

Bob


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Not really low self esteem. Maybe I just wanted to believe in the dream with the woman who rocked my world. So many happy memories together and a wonderful daughter. My Wife has serious issues with her appearence though. She's an ex model and is gorgeous but cannot accept compliments and even when I tell her she is beautiful for the millionth time she just says..really? She constantly needs men to find her attractive. This is a problem here because she has created a lifestyle where she is admired by others and loves it. The flip side to this a stable family life with her husband and daughter. She has to make a choice and she just doesn't know what to do. That's how messed up she is.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> Not really low self esteem. Maybe I just wanted to believe in the dream with the woman who rocked my world. So many happy memories together and a wonderful daughter. My Wife has serious issues with her appearence though. She's an ex model and is gorgeous but cannot accept compliments and even when I tell her she is beautiful for the millionth time she just says..really? She constantly needs men to find her attractive. This is a problem here because she has created a lifestyle where she is admired by others and loves it. The flip side to this a stable family life with her husband and daughter. She has to make a choice and she just doesn't know what to do. That's how messed up she is.


Not really low self esteem.

What's that then? You have low self esteem but it's not really low? You don't have low self esteem? You have low self esteem, it's low but not really low?

I reckon you're very much of a "Rescuer" in that you are trying to rescue your wife from her "self". Your wife's a Persecutor in that she's Persecuting you. And in some ways you are both Victims. It's called the Victim Triangle.

The way out of the Victim Triangle is for the Rescuer to become the Persecutor. This happens "naturally". When you discover you've had enough, you'll know, you will find yourself Persecuting your wife for what she has done to you.

Now you have information but you don't as yet have knowledge. You will have the Knowledge when you see yourself persecuting your wife. Be very aware of your behaviour at this stage and take it easy.

Bob


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*My divorce will be finalized in 2 weeks, and I almost started crying at dinner last night when talking about my STBX, yes I love her and always will, but the tears weren't for her, they were for me. I realized during dinner, how much of myself I have lost and am trying to get back, it is not an easy ting to face. How much of yourself do you want to lose? *

I agree with 90% of what you've wrote; with the exception that most of my tears are now for her. I cry for how far she has fallen, for what she has lost, and for what she has become.

LIL


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

SS1,
This is you life not a chick flick, distance to know how much she misses you, that is crap...I may be sappy but I think when you are truly in love you will miss your spouse when tehy are in the next room, who needs distance and time apart? She needs that time and distance to plan...to froth about in the filth she has come to enjoy.

Okay, she is hot, an ex-model, you married up? I once dated a model, she was damaged goods from the start and I knew it...that is why we only dated, you must have know she had issues before you married. Outer beauty fades with time, but inner beauty doeas not...your wife has lost any inner beauty she had the moment she started abusing you. You need to accect that and protect you daughter from this plastic woman.

I feel like everyone here is telling you the same thing, but yoiu aren't really listenning to us. Please, please protect yourself and get her out!!!


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

AFEH said:


> sparkside1
> Do you suffer from low self esteem? Have you checked that out?
> 
> May be worth looking in to.
> ...


No doubt Bob, either that or a troll, really no one could be this stupid.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> No doubt Bob, either that or a troll, really no one could be this stupid.


I must admit the latter was going through my mind. Maybe he’s addicted much like an alcoholic, guess some of us were in one way or another. I know I was. If that’s the case he hasn’t hit rock bottom as yet and seen the need to kick his habit out of his ball park. Can’t imagine what else she’s got to do to abuse him, the good man he is before enough is enough for him.

Bob


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Maybe I am addicted to her. I was smitten with her from the moment I saw her. She arranged our second date by getting tickets for a gig and a night in a five star hotel! I thought a bit excessive but I can see it was all to woo me. I have been obssessed with her ever since. I must admit that she does have an incredible hold on me. Even if she shows me no real affection at all. I know that she has been complimenting another guy even though he is engaged. We are going to be spending time together this weekend but it feels like I live my life waiting to see her! I keep trying to think of how to plan my escape in the fall. I have made an appointment with an attorney for a consultation of where I stand. It broke my heart to even mention my wife and daughter's names to the firm. I think I still have fight in me to continue with all this but it's limited. As for giving her space...she has asked me to help put together furniture for when her mother comes to stay! I said..oh dependable old me is needed? She just sheepishly said yeah. It's like she wants to show her control over the situation and then backs down soon afterwards or forgets what she says. I need to know how to detach myself from this woman. I'd hate to see my daughter go through this but maybe it's the only thing that would either wake her up or save my sanity. I really appreciate all your help guys. Believe it or not, it does sink in but it's a slow process.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Admitting their is an issue is half the battle, setting a meeting with an attorney is huge. Keep going forward, don't stop to smell the roses, they are thorny as hell. Keep marching ahead and you me get through to her, you may not but at least you will start to get yourself back, protect your daughter from her toxicity. 

Also, know that it is not going to be easy, we all have different issues, hang-ups, memories, so they way we deal with things will be different to a certain degree. I have realized how much I still lov e and want my STBX, I felt like I was getting over the hump, but other here have helped me see I still have a ways to go...I still have her on a pedastal. Sadly, I have been in denial for the last month...happily I am now aware of it. 

You will get through this, feel better about yourself, healthier for your daughter and maybe a lot happier. Just keep moving.

Have oyu gone to counselling? You should think about it, I know it has helped me a great deal...that being said I don't have one in my new home and I can see that is why I have her on a pedastal...could help you.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Well, I have been going to therapy for months now and I went last night. It appears tht my wife is very conflicted. One side is the woman I married and know, the other is this ***** that needs male attention for meaningless sex and cheap compliments. My therapist worries about how I am going to cope from day to day. She says that I have made myself too available to my w and she knows that I will stick around for as long as she controls my heart. 
Today I spent the day with my W and daughter. Went shopping for furniture and bedding for the spare room where her mother will be sleeping. Her mother payed for it all. My wife was very greatful for my help and hugged me tightly. Problem is that this morning before we left to go out, she said that we were working on our friendship, something we never had at the beginning. I thought to myself, friendship??? I thought we were working on our marriage? She even said that she was only going on holiday to please my mum and daughter! No mention of wanting to spend quality time with her husband to rekindle our love. She said that she is not ready to show me the kind of affection that I want.

Just makes me want out even more. After everything I did for her today, I left my house feeling empty and like a stranger whilst my W and her mother carried on as if I didn't matter.

I'm getting tired of this but then see my daughter's face when she sees me and it tears me up inside


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My goodness what a glutten for punishment you are. Keep on going for even more punishment. Punishemnt is Here. Just follow the sign.

Bob


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

I know, it feels great to be wanted in some way I guess. Just hope I grow a spine soon beacuse I don't think I can take much more of this crap. This morning I tried to tell my W that I disagreed to having our daughter every friday as it isn't fair. She started to raise her voice and ask wht has that therapist been putting in my head. She feels that we bioth agree to things but it is her that dictates the odds and I just agree to keep the peace. As soon as I disagree with her, she gets angry. Sometimes, I even notice her sneering when I say something to her. It's as if deep down she is just loathing the sight of me but then shows a tender side. Very weird..


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

It is not weird it is psycho. You theraoist is worried we are worried, what do you need to hear to get out of this situation?

I am being very serious when I say this, she is ripping your heart out isn't she? She knows she is right, so why don't you save both of you time...give her a knoife and ask her to cut your heart out and hand it to you, to just kill you. Sounds dramatic and ridiculous right? Well you love is the knife, she is literally cutting you heart out with it!

Dude, you need to wake up, you don't need a spine, you need a swift kick in the ass. I am sorry for being so blunt, but you are a good, good father that is totally getting D*icked around. 

I don't have kids, but I didn't even like crying in front of my dogs, I can't imagine what you feel when you cry infront of your daughter, only you have control of that situation, so take it. If that means telling her to shape up or ship out, then do it, seriously, this women is going to kill your soul.

CNB


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Well, last night, I went to see some buddies in town. I passed my house on the way to my appartment. My wife's car was not there. I didn't know where she could be apart from the address I knew of a guy that has had the hots for her for months. I went to where he lives and there, parked up, was her car. I was so angry I was shaking, I still am. This morning I asked her where she went and she lied and told me she went to see a friend that I know. Tonight I went to see my daughter and I must have looked pretty pissed coming through the door. She became very defensive and started asking what was wrong, almost like she knew I must suspect something. I said that nothing was wrong and left it at that. I can't leave it at that but also know that if I want to save my marriage, something drastic needs to happen. She is playing me right now and has nothing to loose. We have this damn holiday to go on and I want my daughter to have a good time as it could be our last as a family. How and when should I confront her? I really can't see a way back from this now. I need a plan but need some advice.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> Well, last night, I went to see some buddies in town. I passed my house on the way to my appartment. My wife's car was not there. I didn't know where she could be apart from the address I knew of a guy that has had the hots for her for months. I went to where he lives and there, parked up, was her car. I was so angry I was shaking, I still am. This morning I asked her where she went and she lied and told me she went to see a friend that I know. Tonight I went to see my daughter and I must have looked pretty pissed coming through the door. She became very defensive and started asking what was wrong, almost like she knew I must suspect something. I said that nothing was wrong and left it at that. I can't leave it at that but also know that if I want to save my marriage, something drastic needs to happen. She is playing me right now and has nothing to loose. We have this damn holiday to go on and I want my daughter to have a good time as it could be our last as a family. How and when should I confront her? I really can't see a way back from this now. I need a plan but need some advice.


What advice would you like to hear? Cuz many have given you good advice but you refuse to see it or take it. So what is it you would llike to hear? 

This situation has not changed one bit since this thread started. Its not going to either. All I can say is the fact that you cant stand up to this woman means you should end it because she is never going to take you seriously due to the abuse you continually let her dish out!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sparkside1
Sometimes you’ve just got to believe the unbelievable and then accept it. Maybe you just can’t believe your wife’s a liar and a cheat and she enjoys shogging other men. We can see it and believe it, you can’t. You’re blinded by your love for your wife. It’s a wasted love though because your wife isn’t returning it. You’re investing time and energy and getting nothing back accept more pain and heartache. Most of us here have been there, done that.

Maybe you believe her behaviour is directed at you, that she’s doing it to hurt you and if you change she wont do it. But you couldn’t be more wrong. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you or what you’ve done in the past. It is just who she is. Maybe you just can’t believe that there are people like that in the world, especially the woman you married.

It took a lot of abuse over a long time for my wife to eventually kill off my love for her but she managed it in the end. I’m ten months separated now and even in just the past few days even more peace, contentment and tranquillity has come over me. I’m away from the “drama” of it all and I’m loving it. There’s still stuff I’d like to resolve with my wife and now and then I try. But each time she responds in exactly the way she did when we were living together. Some people just never change.

Your wife is who she is, not because of who you are but because of who she is. One day you will wake up to that, believe and accept it.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Sparkside1,

You used the word suspect, when it should have used the word caught! Do you really want to save your marriage? I am very serious about this question!

You had a perfect opportunity to lay the cards on the table, to make her confront her demons, yours, and you wasted it! I would have given anything in the world to have had that opportunity to confront my X infront of the other man. She would have had to look in the mirror and face reality; instead she lived in in guilt and was able to justify her actions by using me as a scapegoat, just as you wife is doing to you.

You are living in a world of inaction and when the world and life passes you by you will have no one to blame but yourself.

When I was 16 a 60 year old Bellman I worked with said this about women, "Sitting on a goldmine and don't even know it, but the ones that do will own the man she is with and his world." His lesson is some women don't know how intoxicating their P*ssy is, but if she does watch out. More importantly don't get hooked and be an addict.

Are you truly in love or are you worried you will never get a hot women like she is again? If it is about her looks and P*ssy then it is about you not her, she is the dealer and you are the addict. I don't blame drug dealers for being businessman and filling a void, I blame the addict for being weak and needing an escape from reality.

Sparkside, I am asking you directly and challenging you, go through your own thread, answer the questions that have been asked of you, address the advice that has been given to you. Read your own entries and reflect. I think you will find that all you are doing is pining for her, and not looking for help or answers in the least.

Everyone that is offering you advice here has been invested in you, your marriage, but it in my humble opinion you are not invested in yourself.

Please, please look into yourself, believe in yourself and do something about her treatment of you.

CNB


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> His lesson is some women don't know how intoxicating their P*ssy is, but if she does watch out. More importantly don't get hooked and be an addict.
> 
> Are you truly in love or are you worried you will never get a hot women like she is again? If it is about her looks and P*ssy then it is about you not her, she is the dealer and you are the addict. I don't blame drug dealers for being businessman and filling a void, I blame the addict for being weak and needing an escape from reality.
> 
> ...


:iagree::rofl::rofl::rofl: either this chick is super hot, but a tramp, or this guy is a troll, either way, SS1 you make me feel good about my situation.

So is this a beauty and the beast story? Is this a troll writing for entertainment value? I dont know, I know I felt like a total loser reading this thread but you know what as sad as this is, this thread makes me feel better about myself and my life even if I have doubts it is real. 

Well maybe Im wrong, Ive never had a chicks pssy make me act this stupid but maybe Ive never had a chick this hot. SS1 how about posting a picture of your woman so maybe we can understand your position.

Heres where I go south on this story if this woman is sooo hot how come she cant find a new sucker to support her? SS1 do you have a 7figure income?


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Well brewster 59, That is a good question. I think nobody has come close because I am too involved with her and she depends on me to help with our daughter. Who is going to want to baby sit another man's kid? Yeah, they all want to sleep with her but commitment is another story. I hope she realises that looks alone will not give her the security that she's wants. She's totally confused, can't make her mind up what she wants. She says that if we get back together, it has to be for the right reasons?? I went to see an attorney today and she said that it didn't look good and I should divorce her and save my health. Guess I'll have to start preparing for the worst now.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> Well brewster 59, That is a good question. I think nobody has come close because I am too involved with her and she depends on me to help with our daughter. Who is going to want to baby sit another man's kid? Yeah, they all want to sleep with her but commitment is another story. I hope she realises that looks alone will not give her the security that she's wants. She's totally confused, can't make her mind up what she wants. She says that if we get back together, it has to be for the right reasons?? I went to see an attorney today and she said that it didn't look good and I should divorce her and save my health. Guess I'll have to start preparing for the worst now.


So Im sure it seems that I am ripping you, but I totally dont understand why someone would put up with this. 

You know what you may feel like she was the best woman you ever had but you really need to read this thread, this woman has beaten you down so bad I cant even believe you are a real person. If all you have written is true for your own sanity, you need conselling.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sparkside,

It sounds like she's actively seeing another guy. She doesn't want to be seen in public with you in your town? Probably because OM might see you two together. Honestly! You two are married and have a child together! Of course you're going to be seen together. The only person who would have a problem with that is someone romantically or sexually involved with her. She wants to know if the grass is greener? I'm willing to bet she's already picked out some landscaping to check on. She wants a safety net in case that one doesn't work out. That's why she goes nutz when you get a phone call or when you go out.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

It's weird, I'm not nuts and I am very real. but she is almost addicted to a certain behaviour. Her friends that she has recently met are scum and live in the gym. All just out for a good time and have influenced my wife to the extreme. Today she lied again and when I went to affectionately touch her leg, she looked at my hand as if a fly had landed on her! My brother is threatning to kick her ass and I am starting to wonder why I bother. I'm startig to feel like a bad smell unless there is a job to do in the house or our daughter needs a babysitter. Yet, like unbelievable said, I am a safety net and she got mad tonight because I was on facebook and didn't answer her message within 2 seconds. I'm curious to know what she might do if I dated someone...she'd probably pull a knife on me!! 
As time goes by, I am starting to see through her although I do believe that she has a problem making a decision. It's like she would just switch off the other life and become wife of the year again, she kinda did it before but we never separated and it was very short lived. I'm just concerned on how to confront this demon with her behaviour and serve her an ultimatum without going too far.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Being a man about it is not going to far...being a doormat is going nowhere.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> It's weird, I'm not nuts and I am very real. but she is almost addicted to a certain behaviour. Her friends that she has recently met are scum and live in the gym. All just out for a good time and have influenced my wife to the extreme. Today she lied again and when I went to affectionately touch her leg, she looked at my hand as if a fly had landed on her! My brother is threatning to kick her ass and I am starting to wonder why I bother. I'm startig to feel like a bad smell unless there is a job to do in the house or our daughter needs a babysitter. Yet, like unbelievable said, I am a safety net and she got mad tonight because I was on facebook and didn't answer her message within 2 seconds. I'm curious to know what she might do if I dated someone...she'd probably pull a knife on me!!
> As time goes by, I am starting to see through her although I do believe that she has a problem making a decision. It's like she would just switch off the other life and become wife of the year again, she kinda did it before but we never separated and it was very short lived. I'm just concerned on how to confront this demon with her behaviour and serve her an ultimatum without going too far.


Ok I never said you were nuts but I did say you should seek conselling, I think your confidence has been beaten way below ground level. 

Now I know you dont want to hear this but really because of what you let her get away with she is never going to straighten up. Duude you let her move her mom in even when she was being unfaithful, when she says jump you say how high. Why on earth would she want out of this situation, she has got it made.

I think you need conselling to get to the bottom of why you would let someone do this to you! Then show this biatch the door!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sparkside,
Just what is it you are so afraid of losing?

Bob




sparkside1 said:


> It's weird, I'm not nuts and I am very real. but she is almost addicted to a certain behaviour. Her friends that she has recently met are scum and live in the gym. All just out for a good time and have influenced my wife to the extreme. Today she lied again and when I went to affectionately touch her leg, she looked at my hand as if a fly had landed on her! My brother is threatning to kick her ass and I am starting to wonder why I bother. I'm startig to feel like a bad smell unless there is a job to do in the house or our daughter needs a babysitter. Yet, like unbelievable said, I am a safety net and she got mad tonight because I was on facebook and didn't answer her message within 2 seconds. I'm curious to know what she might do if I dated someone...she'd probably pull a knife on me!!
> As time goes by, I am starting to see through her although I do believe that she has a problem making a decision. It's like she would just switch off the other life and become wife of the year again, she kinda did it before but we never separated and it was very short lived. I'm just concerned on how to confront this demon with her behaviour and serve her an ultimatum without going too far.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Guys, yesterday I confronted her about her behaviour and she denied anything was going on. She even tried to turn it round that I was being secretive! I told her that I would not be around for much longer. She told me not to make any life changing decisions until after our holiday as she wanted to enjoy my company as friends?! She continues to flirt with a guy online and although it may be harmless fun, I can see trouble. She tells me that she is not looking for romance or a relationship with anyone else. Oh and when I told her that I will leave, she said that maybe it's not about her changing or wether I want to stick around or not!! I'm sick of all this but will hold it together until after the holiday. Then I need to get out of town. You have all been right and I have been too weak to see the truth. She will not change whilst I am here being a doormat. My confidence has taken a beating and I am not the man I once was. I can't believe she is trying to make me look stupid for thinking that she is not intersted in anyone when I know she is sending pics of herself in a bikini! What do you guys think will happen when I leave? What typically occurs when a control freak woman looses her rock?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> Guys, yesterday I confronted her about her behaviour and she denied anything was going on. She even tried to turn it round that I was being secretive! I told her that I would not be around for much longer. She told me not to make any life changing decisions until after our holiday as she wanted to enjoy my company as friends?! She continues to flirt with a guy online and although it may be harmless fun, I can see trouble. She tells me that she is not looking for romance or a relationship with anyone else. Oh and when I told her that I will leave, she said that maybe it's not about her changing or wether I want to stick around or not!! I'm sick of all this but will hold it together until after the holiday. Then I need to get out of town. You have all been right and I have been too weak to see the truth. She will not change whilst I am here being a doormat. My confidence has taken a beating and I am not the man I once was. I can't believe she is trying to make me look stupid for thinking that she is not intersted in anyone when I know she is sending pics of herself in a bikini! What do you guys think will happen when I leave? What typically occurs when a control freak woman looses her rock?


First I would suggest focusing on yourself. I think she has worn you down little by little and you may not be aware how bad thing have gotten. Read this thread and you will see, how bad they have gotten. I dont think I would be to concerned about the holidays if I were you for all you know she has a exit plan she is going to execute at that time.

If I were you I would transfer all funds out of mutual bank accounts, I would cancell all CCs and protect yourself financially as much as possible.

You seem to have trouble seeing your wife for who she is but she is selfish, devious, liar, cheater. You cant trust this woman at all take meausures to protect yourself both financially and mentally.

As for being friends :rofl::rofl::rofl: what friend would you let do this kinda stuff to you?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Sparkside,
> Just what is it you are so afraid of losing?
> 
> Bob


Seems like you are getting beat up a lot - here and at home.

I think Bob has the right idea here. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> Guys, yesterday I confronted her about her behaviour and she denied anything was going on. She even tried to turn it round that I was being secretive! I told her that I would not be around for much longer. She told me not to make any life changing decisions until after our holiday as she wanted to enjoy my company as friends?! She continues to flirt with a guy online and although it may be harmless fun, I can see trouble. She tells me that she is not looking for romance or a relationship with anyone else. Oh and when I told her that I will leave, she said that maybe it's not about her changing or wether I want to stick around or not!! I'm sick of all this but will hold it together until after the holiday. Then I need to get out of town. You have all been right and I have been too weak to see the truth. She will not change whilst I am here being a doormat. My confidence has taken a beating and I am not the man I once was. I can't believe she is trying to make me look stupid for thinking that she is not intersted in anyone when I know she is sending pics of herself in a bikini! What do you guys think will happen when I leave? What typically occurs when a control freak woman looses her rock?


Did you tell her about seeing her car at the guys house? Did you confront her on the missing condom? Did you confront her on taking the condom but returning it the next morning? Did you confront her about the new guy you think she's having an affair with in your other post?

I'm pretty sure sending pics of herself in a bikini are the least of your worries right now. What do we think will happen to her when you leave? Why does it matter at this point, you need to just get out and get your head on straight. Pretty soon, people are gonna stop posting on your threads because alot of us feel like we're wasting our time and effort in trying to get you to wake up and smell the crap that's in your house.

I feel as though you want someone to say she'll eventually come around and love you like you're a god and put you on a pedestal. It's not gonna happen and she's not gonna change because you are allowing her to cheat and get away with it. I feel like literally reaching through the monitor and shaking you in hopes that you'll get it one of these days.

Everytime you post, it's like another huge shock that she's doing this, or that. It's the same story but you seem to have some sort of memory block and it's always a total surprise that she's cheating or whatever. Either do something about it or just sit back and let her do what she wants. What else do you want us to say? Maybe she'll get bored of sleeping around and settle for you one of these days. If you can live with that, props to you.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

OK - even if you aren't ready to give ultimatums yet, you DO need to deal with the truth and confront her with the issues. If she gives you bull**** stories, call her out on it.

You don't have to leave her or divorce her - at least not yet. But you need to at least send her a message that you know what she's doing and that it needs to stop.

Accepting what's happening and confronting her with the truth is the first step to "growing a spine" as others might put it. Then - once you've accepted it and told her it needs to stop you can figure out what you are going to do about it.

It sucks. You got sucker punched. Gather yourself, catch your breath and start thinking about a plan of attack.

But for now, don't give her an ultimatum unless you know you'll follow through.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> First I would suggest focusing on yourself. I think she has worn you down little by little and you may not be aware how bad thing have gotten. Read this thread and you will see, how bad they have gotten. I dont think I would be to concerned about the holidays if I were you for all you know she has a exit plan she is going to execute at that time.
> 
> If I were you I would transfer all funds out of mutual bank accounts, I would cancell all CCs and protect yourself financially as much as possible.
> 
> ...


I am glad to see you are coming out of the "Fog" so to speak, but you need to do something, anything to get your manhood back. Sitting back and watching teh show doesn't get you anywhere. If she freaks out, so be it, if she get emotional that is good, emotions show feelings; which will help you see where she is at right now.

Cut her off all teh money ASAP, send her and her mother on the vacation to give yourself time to think. Don't go with her, she will use this trip to confuse you and string you along!!! Everytine she bats and eyelash at you, you take a giant leap backwards. Keeping fighting for yourself.

Have you re-read this thread? I know it has been suggested several times by several people. It would help you a great deal.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Thankfully, I changed all my bank details and passwords and I only give her enough money to cover our daughter's nursery fee. All mortgage repayments are her problem. My lawyer doesn't think there's much money in the house and it would be an easy escape financially. Our daughter is the my only tie and a big one at that. I have decided that I would have to detach myself from everything for a while to get my head straight. Hell, I've even starting to wonder about who I'm going to meet next! It helps me see light at the end of the tunnel. I think she does have an exit plan and her deviousness is so transparent now it's laughable. Tonight she left her iphone on the table and ran down the stairs to make sure that I wasn't looking at it! I know what I would find and it would make me sick. I guess I still want to believe that there is some geniune feeling in her but as the days go by I can't see how she would ever be trustworthy. She has lied throughout our relationship and needs men for the excitment and someone stupid enough to take care of the mundane daily duties. She has tried to be nice to me the last two days because I think she's worried I may take off. She even suggested we go on holiday in december to Florida. I doubt I'll be around by then so it means nothing. When I confronted her, she just said that her firend lives in the same block. I can't confront her on the condom or the pics just yet as I can't reveal my methods of knowing...just yet. I need to get to the past caring stage and then I'll fry her. Then the guilt and burden will be hers.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

:smthumbup:

Sorry if I came across as an a-hole but I just wanted to shock you into doing something which you are. Good luck and I'll be downing a beer for you tonight.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

G*d F-ing Damn you are getting there! I am happy that you are starting to see the light, it may be the kick in the ass she needs, if it doesn't work out...know that you will find who you are again.

Good luck


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

sparkside1 said:


> Thankfully, I changed all my bank details and passwords and I only give her enough money to cover our daughter's nursery fee. All mortgage repayments are her problem. My lawyer doesn't think there's much money in the house and it would be an easy escape financially. Our daughter is the my only tie and a big one at that. I have decided that I would have to detach myself from everything for a while to get my head straight. Hell, I've even starting to wonder about who I'm going to meet next! It helps me see light at the end of the tunnel. I think she does have an exit plan and her deviousness is so transparent now it's laughable. Tonight she left her iphone on the table and ran down the stairs to make sure that I wasn't looking at it! I know what I would find and it would make me sick. I guess I still want to believe that there is some geniune feeling in her but as the days go by I can't see how she would ever be trustworthy. She has lied throughout our relationship and needs men for the excitment and someone stupid enough to take care of the mundane daily duties. She has tried to be nice to me the last two days because I think she's worried I may take off. She even suggested we go on holiday in december to Florida. I doubt I'll be around by then so it means nothing. When I confronted her, she just said that her firend lives in the same block. I can't confront her on the condom or the pics just yet as I can't reveal my methods of knowing...just yet. I need to get to the past caring stage and then I'll fry her. Then the guilt and burden will be hers.


Well I would find out if your daughters nursery bills are current.
I really think you should KICK HER ASS out b4 the holidays, it seems she has something comming down then and will bait you to try and keep you there for her plan. 

If you EVER have doubts weather getting rid of this one is the right thing to do read your thread again, and reflect upon it.

So take care of yourself, dont worry if you will find someone new, you will you r a nice guy maybe 2 nice. 

Ohh I dont think you are stupid, you were in love and blinded but hopefully now you see.

Good luck to ya.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

sparkside1 said:


> She even suggested we go on holiday in december to Florida.


I hope you see how crazy this is. Its like the punchline to a really bad joke.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Sounds like you are moving in the right direction.


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## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

SS1 I just read through your whole thread and I'm noting but amazed at what this woman is putting you through and what you've put up with for this long. All I can say is kick her (and her mother) the hell out of the house and have your lawyer serve those papers ASAP before she finds her own and tries to screw you hard. If she wont leave when you tell her then pack your stuff and your daughters and head for the hills as fast as you can. DO NOT WAIT for after the holidays, as others said she is most definitely planning a way out that your not going to be too excited about, beat her to the punchline and walk out that door. 

You seem like your starting to see what everybody's been telling you this whole time but make sure you remember everything she's done when she tries to play the "I'm sorry it won't happen again" card because it sure as hell will.

I understand you wanting to save your marriage, god knows I and so many others on this site wanted the same thing until we woke up and realized no matter how bad we wanted it, it was never going to happen. To the other person the marriage was already dead. Instead of putting all your love and care and attention into a greedy heartless biatch you should be putting 110% into protecting yourself and your daughter from this so called wife of yours. I don't know about you but that's the last person I'd want my daughter learning life lessons from.

With that said, good luck to you with all this, divorce sucks and it can get pretty hairy sometimes but at least it's only a few months compared to spending the rest of your life the way your being treated now.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

Well, We went on holiday and had a great time. We had a chat and she wished that I had given her the attention instead of looking elsewhere and that her feelings for me had beed dying for years. She said that she does love me and wishes she could change things.
I told her that I'm going to leave town and move on with my life. I explained to her that it may be the only way she finds her love for me again and that I need to fall out of love with her. She said that the day I do not want her anymore will kill her. I just kept cool and said that I wouldn't get in her way and wished her the best and would cease all contact with her. When we go home, she called to tell me to give it a few days as she had some serious thinking to do. She said that I made her laugh and made her happy whilst away and isn't quite sure where we go from here. I said that I love her but will let her go. 
She is worried now and obviously it was the only thing left that I could do. I feel scared about leaving but what else can I do here? She is going to have to take stock of what's important in her life and make up her mind. What trickery can I expect here? I feel that some of this may be holiday blues. Also, her mother is moving out next week as she can't handle a two year old kid in the house!!


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Sparkside,

Good for you. I know the pain you are going through, I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but you did the right thing. she was killing you from all angles, talking who you are and killing it. That was hurting you, doing nothing was killing you. 

Stay strong resolute, don't give into her if she comes crawling back, move forward and make her show you change. 

Again, it won't be easy, I am now divorced, and it doesn't get easier, especially when your X is living another life, but remember they put their wants and needs infront of yours, the family you built together.

Stay strong, I will pray for you, that you have the strength and inner guidance to find the right path for you and your daughter.

Good luck,

CNB


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

This is a critical moment right now. She might see her money train leaving and realize that she ate all the cake already and there's nothing left in the the fridge.

If she really wants to change and work on your marriage (not sure if you even want it that much anymore at this point) then she's gonna have to give the entire truth. You hold all the cards, if she lies or doesn't tell you things that you know already then she's not ready to change.

IMO, I would take time away from her to clear your head without her being near you to cloud things over again. If she comes back then at least you'll be thinking clearly and be able to make a decision on what you want at that point.

It's easy to run back when you've got nobody and nothing left to help you. I went back because I wanted to really work it out with the wife. I didn't need to, my parents are well off and I could have easily just walked away and started over and my wife knows this.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

well guys, My W finally crossed the line and I'm not sure I have any aces left. I was meant to meet her for dinner one night and as I went to collect her, I saw her walking along the street drunk. I asked what was going on and she told me that she had been with a guy that she has started seeing. I went mad. I threw her in my car and hit her. I told her what I thought of her and couldn't believe what she had done. I still took her to the restaurant as I wanted to get to the bottom of it. She sat there and told me how she had given this guy oral sex that afternoon!! I couldn't believe it. I felt like rearing the joint appart. I dragged her outside and took her back to the house and again lost control. Since then, she has appologised for hurting me but doesn't want anything to do with me at the moment and all contact with my daughter is by arrangement. I feel like the bad guy now because of my reaction but it's been so long that I've been keeping quiet. She says that She feels that I still had hope of saving our marriage and that we cannot be friends whilst I still love her. What now?? Shall I just pack and leave? Is there anything salvageble here in the future or should I face fact? She has been to a lawyer and want's to deal with the house and possibly divorce.


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## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

Get the hell out of there, you said you were going to cease all contact with her and move on with your life. Now is the time to live up to that and leave. This woman is never going to change and you just have to accept that and move forward alone. Get your a$$ in and talk to a lawyer asap, write up the papers and get started on your life without her. It's not easy and it won't get any easier for quite a while but doing nothing about it is just going to prolong the pain and cause more and more problems.

She says she cant be friends with you because you still love her and she's right. But at the same time why would you ever want to be friends with somebody that would do something like that to you.

Oh and one more thing, if your you're to the point where you cant control yourself and hit her then you need to not be around her for any reason whatsoever. Smacking her around isn't going to knock any sense into her or make you feel any better, all its going to do is give her something to use against you in the divorce. Do you really want to be the abusive husband in the courtroom battling for custody of a your daughter?


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

It wouldn't suprise me if she used it in court although she knows I'm not like that. I just wanted to keep a relationship for our daughter's sake but sure, I do still love my W and am struggling to let her go. She says that we can get our friendship back once all this calms down a bit. Thing is, I could be moving away in 5 weeks which would kinda go against the grain and I'm not sure if she would be happy with that or not. Either way I need to get away. She has been trying to emotionally blackmail me by saying that our two year old will forget who her dad is and that she will have to intergrate her into another family with a step dad that will enrich her life!!! It all makes me sooo mad.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I am glad you are mad, it is about f-ing time. You have been told to man up many times, and that means being a man. A man never, f-ing ever hits a woman, let alone his wife., the woman you proffess your love for constantly. I know you feel rage, but remember you let it go on this long, she is at fault for everything she has done, but you need to own your own emotions. You have been hurt more because you allowed yourself to stay involved, begging for her love. She took your manhood, hitting her is not going to get it back, only show what an ass you are. If you want to hurt someone, hurt the guy she blew, he must know she is married.

I have been ardent supporter of yours in this place, and telling you to be there for your daughter, but you need to check yourself! What kind of example are you setting now? Mommy is wh0re, daddy is a wimp and wife beater? Don't say she knows that you are not that guy because you are, you hit her! Chickensh!t move!!!

Lastly, you are both toxic together and need to go into serious therapy sessions. Get help and get the hell out, before you ruin three lives. That is how you can be a man! Hit her again and you are lower than low, lower than she is for being a cheat.

CNB


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Lastly, if you have any friends tell them what you did, and if they don't smack the sh!t out you they are not your friends. I f I were in a room with you right now I would drop you! Never tpouch a woman, it is cowardess, and you are a coward. I am done with you.


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## sparkside1 (Jun 26, 2010)

None of it matters anymore. It almost feels like I just wasted my time all these months. My daughter loves her mom and dad and enjoys seeing us all together as a family. Problem is, my W just isn't interested in me anymore and no moral compass lecture or acts of love will bring her back right now. We can never tell what happens in life and circumstance can sometimes bring people closer again. I won't be hanging around to find out. I'm moving away in November and my W doesn't want me to leave but hey, you don't always get what you want. I believed that if you try hard enough, you can change someone's feelings. I was wrong. I should have seen the signs along time ago and now I am starting to accept that it's best to move on. I have a date this weekend. I don't feel like going and don't really like her but it has to happen to free myself of the curse I have been living under. I may have become aggressive in the end and I think it had to happen to show me how toxic and unhealthy the situation had become. 
I still love my W and always will but part of me has lost something for her. I'm scared of the future but know that my daughter will always come first and be a part of my life. She is a blessing and I don't regret her coming to this world for a second. What now? How am I to move on? My W doesn't want a divorce and I don't know if I should pursue legal proceedings or not. I went round to the house tonight to collect some mail..Thankfully I didn't go inside, she had another man there. God knows how I would have reacted. She is under the impression that if I cut her off and get off the mortgage, then I have to support her and pay for her?? She is trying to blackmail me all the time and keeps telling me what a wonderful father I am...makes me sick


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