# Are you afraid of hating your x , I think I am ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hey people , and the emotional roller coaster continues on full steam ahead.

I'll have to keep dealing with x, for years ! There's my D and although we're flat broke, we do own 3 properties and they'll take years to sort out and jointly deal with , cover their bills and all the other bs that goes with them. One is our new family home , we worked together 4 yrs and went through hell to get only 18mths ago . The other two were investments we tried to do to make money to buy the last one but somehow wound up keeping them all and they cost a fortune and the stress on top of this . I feel like giving them away just to be free of the stress and costs of them that's come through our separation.

The thing is , I think I'm starting to understand my emotions and strange personality ways around x through all this so far.
We often just get along , almost like we always did yet I walk out feeling strange , almost sick , at us being like this , at her quitting on us , my D , destroying our family , at her actually seeing somebody else now .
Yet I make myself sick if I've seen her , or talked and I've allowed us , myself , to still be like that.
A big part of it is anger and counteracting it , or else I may lose it and I don't want that between us for my D and while sorting out the rest of our crap. With all that , I need her income too for now.
The rest , me , my Jeckle and Hyde feelings with her , about her , around her, everything that's happened , the way I did hurt her yes and I made mistakes yes , but I didn't tear us and my D's family apart , quit. I wanted to keep us together , fight on , turn the corner but this , this was her answer.

And then there's her attitude about my D and her having to live like this now , losing her family , other people and kids we know of . Like one of my D's friends , x calmly telling me awhile back - oh D will be right , look at A , she's been living one wk at her mums and one week at her dads for years , she's ok. Ahh , this poor girl is 11 years old. She has no confidence , her nerves are totally shot , at 11. 
I know this because she stays here all the time.
Yet day 1 , x hasn't changed and my girl , was one of the smartest , most self assured kid of her whole group , ever. 
NMow she's lost her family , lives in 2 houses with sep parents , I saw her cry maybe 2-3 times in 11 yrs - well apart from baby years , yet now I sit with her crying for hours sometimes , at least every 2-3wks . She in counseling twice a week, she's becoming insecure and so unsure of herself - yet x is - oh she'll be fine - look at A .
Zero emotion , feeling and I often think even comprehension of just what she's done.

I think my fakeness with her, my this isn't right to be getting along with her like this feeling, my coming and going mentally about her for this , anger , my confusion about my place and anger in all this, has been about keeping hate and despise at bay , under control.

Because you know what , just this last week , I just haven't been bothered. I haven't felt like faking it with her , talking to her , being nice to her and now I can understand why I was doing all those things.
Because since I stopped trying ,I am literally disliking her for all this , and her attitude to D , what we were , more and more , everyday.
As a matter of fact , it's allowing despise I realize now I've suppressed so strongly in just trying to cope and , I fear hatred to surface.
This last few days , I've felt like I can't be nice to her anymore, I don't want to deal with her , talk to her , be around her , I feel like spitting in her fkg face quite frankly.

Maybe I should reverse this a little , or should I !
I'm done with faking it , I'm done with trying to make a relationship with her , for my daughter , for all our mess , work - but I have to.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

You can't reverse it. You are going through natural feelings. She hurt you, she destroyed your family and unfortunately the only thing you can is focus on the things that are most important to you. If your kid is hurt and falling apart, be that rock for her. Support her and focus on her like you have been.

Your feelings of hatred will subside over time. It doesn't feel like that now and it seems that you have a superficial relationship with your ex now. That's natural too when kids are involved.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Whitehawk.....I am going through the same feelings. She says that she wants me in her life, just not as a husband. I think how could you do this to us? We were the couple everyone looked to, we were the perfect couple. Well, at least in my eyes we were. She lives her live while I try to pick up the pieces of mine. She got the house, the dog, and all of the belongings, the only thing in her life that changed was I was not there. I moved in with my mom to help since my dad passed away. My life was flipped upside down, and she doesn't understand how I can be upset. I want to tell her how she crushed me, my plans and my dreams, but it will not help. I am civil with her now, and in some time maybe I will be friends, it is hard to throw away a 14 year friendship, but even harder to keep it going right now. Good luck.


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

I go through periods of pretty intense anger but I know it's when I'm feeling the most insecure. I love this woman but her decision has really tested every fiber of my being. I've spent most of my adult life with this woman and every single memory in my mind is tied to her. It's going to create anger but I have to do my best to recognize why I feel it and try to process it. For myself, I don't think the anger comes from things shes doing, but what I wish she was doing for me and isn't. I can't rely on her or anyone else to make me happy. I wish with my whole heart that this woman comes back to me but I have to get past it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

I wish I could hate my stbxw. That would make all of this so much easier.


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

I feel so much of what everyone has said here.... I have had some pretty intense struggles starting at an early age. But the pain I have felt the last year cannot even come close to anything else I have experienced.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

lost hunter said:


> Whitehawk.....I am going through the same feelings. She says that she wants me in her life, just not as a husband. I think how could you do this to us? We were the couple everyone looked to, we were the perfect couple. Well, at least in my eyes we were. She lives her live while I try to pick up the pieces of mine. She got the house, the dog, and all of the belongings, the only thing in her life that changed was I was not there. I moved in with my mom to help since my dad passed away. My life was flipped upside down, and she doesn't understand how I can be upset. I want to tell her how she crushed me, my plans and my dreams, but it will not help. I am civil with her now, and in some time maybe I will be friends, it is hard to throw away a 14 year friendship, but even harder to keep it going right now. Good luck.



Thanks LH and good luck with your situation . I can hear you loud and clear believe me.
And do you know everybody always admired us too , no one can believe this, her.
But yeah , I dunno what this friend bs is about , mine wants the same thing , I think they all read the same book.
Being buddy's with my wife , wasn't what I signed up for though , it makes me sick.
You know what though, in a way I think you got off better than your ex. Being in the house like this is not nice at all. I'm trying to sell right now , hate it.
Ex went and rented , left me to deal with our mess.
To be honest I feel like walking away.
Can't you get your share though LH ?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Isuck said:


> You can't reverse it. You are going through natural feelings. She hurt you, she destroyed your family and unfortunately the only thing you can is focus on the things that are most important to you. If your kid is hurt and falling apart, be that rock for her. Support her and focus on her like you have been.
> 
> Your feelings of hatred will subside over time. It doesn't feel like that now and it seems that you have a superficial relationship with your ex now. That's natural too when kids are involved.



Thanks isuck , and you don't btw . Thems very wise words and support and I'll try my best to do just that and ride this bs through for her, with her.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

lostLove77 said:


> I go through periods of pretty intense anger but I know it's when I'm feeling the most insecure. I love this woman but her decision has really tested every fiber of my being. I've spent most of my adult life with this woman and every single memory in my mind is tied to her. It's going to create anger but I have to do my best to recognize why I feel it and try to process it. For myself, I don't think the anger comes from things shes doing, but what I wish she was doing for me and isn't. I can't rely on her or anyone else to make me happy. I wish with my whole heart that this woman comes back to me but I have to get past it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry about it all for you LL and I hear you , it is so hard to trace everything your turmoiled into , don't I know it.
I've been trying , talking , been through so much of it all right here with all you guys , you need to understand it don't you, well I do. I need that to help myself find a mental place for everything and heal , deal with it.
Not sure of your situation LL , but maybe she does want you guys back down the track. Reading around , lots of people do once they've sorted their head out , never know. 

18 yrs for us , 12 married. We did so much , she and my d , were my best friends in better times through 90% of that and she agrees. 

Goodluck LL , hold on , move forward slowly , day by day and I hope your dreams come true.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> Because you know what , just this last week , I just haven't been bothered. I haven't felt like faking it with her , talking to her , being nice to her and now I can understand why I was doing all those things.
> Because since I stopped trying ,I am literally disliking her for all this , and her attitude to D , what we were , more and more , everyday.
> As a matter of fact , it's allowing despise I realize now I've suppressed so strongly in just trying to cope and , I fear hatred to surface.
> This last few days , I've felt like I can't be nice to her anymore, I don't want to deal with her , talk to her , be around her , I feel like spitting in her fkg face quite frankly.


I think that this is just part of the detaching process. In being nice to her you have suppressed your anger, but now this is coming to the surface. If you continue to detach it won't turn into hatred but will just subside into indifference.

What I am learning is that anger and hatred are actually very "attached" emotions. They keep you bound to the object of your anger or hatred. It's only once you let go of anger and hatred that you can detach yourself.

But it sounds like you're doing that anyway. And as you distance yourself from her your emotions towards her (good, bad or ugly) will subside too. No-one feels strongly about someone they just don't care too much about. Someone you meet in the street may do something that gets you worked up for a little while, but you don't sustain that because the person means little or nothing to you. Same with detached STBX's.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hmmm , was over there tonight for 3-4 hrs seeing my d.
ex came home after 21/2. She's picking up my vibe of this last wk or two now , it's getting hard to hide it.
So she's getting weird from it and me now but to be honest , I just feel like roaring at her "fk you ", right now.

Gonna have to get this stuff back under control somehow or it's gonna make a bad situation a lot worse.

On the bright side , she either cooks for me while I'm there or I just go and raid the fridge , cupboards, chocolate supply, eat all her food and throw my washing into her machine as I'm walking in too.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

allowingthecakeeating said:


> I feel so much of what everyone has said here.... I have had some pretty intense struggles starting at an early age. But the pain I have felt the last year cannot even come close to anything else I have experienced.


Sorry to hear that A , sounds a lot like the icing it's been on my life too.
Think we must be just destined to have an a/hole of a life full stop quite frankly.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> Thanks LH and good luck with your situation . I can hear you loud and clear believe me.
> And do you know everybody always admired us too , no one can believe this, her.
> But yeah , I dunno what this friend bs is about , mine wants the same thing , I think they all read the same book.
> Being buddy's with my wife , wasn't what I signed up for though , it makes me sick.
> ...


Whitehawk.....I made a deal with her right out of the gates. She could have my past, but she can not touch my future. I said she can have the house, but she can not go after my stock, and 401K. Yea, she might have gotten the better end of the deal right now, but she does not have a 401K currently, so I know that my future will be fine. Plus, I don't want to be in that house alone with nothing but memories. It is hard enough just going over there to get some of my belongings, I could not imagine staying there. Also with the house comes the mortgage, and I do not miss that. We built the house, and I believe went beyond our means at the time, so to get out from under it is a blessing.

Yea, they all want to be our friends, I think it is there way of justifying the whole thing. They want the best of both worlds, the freedom of being single, but keep us around, for the friendship and memories. I'm not against it, but it will take some time. Who knows if I will ever be there, and I know that she will not be a close friend, but maybe someone I could have dinner with to kill time, and talk about the past. I know this is against everything that people say on this forum, but I am currently bettering myself, not for myself, but so down the road, she sees how great I am doing. Yes, it will help me, but I am just a spiteful prick, and would love to just show her what she gave up. I have been eating right, working out and have lost 40lbs, plus I am saving money and plan on buying me a new house very soon. I do not want her thinking that she did as much damage as she did. Vengence is a great motivator. Good Luck to you as well, it sucks, but I'm hoping in the near future when she sees how happy I am it burns her @ss.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm developing some hatred for my stbxww. She destroyed our family, put us in harms way, and betrayed the sh*t out of me. I'm not afraid of hating her. But I think the hatred will fade into apathy towards her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

WH - I think we have a tendency to want to have one-stop shopping for our emotions. We want to completely hate or completely love or completely not care.

But with people we've known and loved for a very long time, the emotions are usually varied and many & it's OK to have many emotions, some of them contradictory, at the same time.

In your case, your W was hurt and angry by things that you did & now you're hurt and angry by what she's doing. It's so hard to just really hate her, I expect, not just because of your long history, but also because you've been giving her a pass because of your own guilt.

So you have all of these emotions - some love, some hate, some hurt, some guilt, some anger, some despair, some disbelief. In my opinion, it's all human to have all of that in the bad times. We get through. Things settle down. 

Your W gave herself permission to judge you re your EA. You can give yourself permission to feel the way you do about her attitude now. It is what it is.

As long as you keep your eyes on the prize, which is your daughter, things will work out some way in the end. They always do. You'll survive and with your vigilance and some luck, your D will be fine.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

lost hunter said:


> Whitehawk.....I made a deal with her right out of the gates. She could have my past, but she can not touch my future. I said she can have the house, but she can not go after my stock, and 401K. Yea, she might have gotten the better end of the deal right now, but she does not have a 401K currently, so I know that my future will be fine. Plus, I don't want to be in that house alone with nothing but memories. It is hard enough just going over there to get some of my belongings, I could not imagine staying there. Also with the house comes the mortgage, and I do not miss that. We built the house, and I believe went beyond our means at the time, so to get out from under it is a blessing.
> 
> Yea, they all want to be our friends, I think it is there way of justifying the whole thing. They want the best of both worlds, the freedom of being single, but keep us around, for the friendship and memories. I'm not against it, but it will take some time. Who knows if I will ever be there, and I know that she will not be a close friend, but maybe someone I could have dinner with to kill time, and talk about the past. I know this is against everything that people say on this forum, but I am currently bettering myself, not for myself, but so down the road, she sees how great I am doing. Yes, it will help me, but I am just a spiteful prick, and would love to just show her what she gave up. I have been eating right, working out and have lost 40lbs, plus I am saving money and plan on buying me a new house very soon. I do not want her thinking that she did as much damage as she did. Vengence is a great motivator. Good Luck to you as well, it sucks, but I'm hoping in the near future when she sees how happy I am it burns her @ss.



Great way to go Hunter , a nice clean cut. I'd take the stock too , new start no memories , blank canvas , nice !
And mate , I think we earnt prick rights in this department and to me if we haven't who cares anyway. What's good for the goose !

Yeah I think about the friend thing a lot. Just had a call then , d stuff for the holidays - house is on the market as from this morning too - real cited bout that one.
But I softened a little with her on that call there's just too much going on to bring in more crap right now.
She picked up the softening and sounded relieved .
I'm feeling like you though on that one too. Its gonna need time that's for sure , see from there what eventuates in feelings as we go I think. 
I'm trying to keep it cool though , how else can we deal with everything and then the kids too if we don't I'm thinking.

She definitely wants it all peaceful I know that and my d and I sure don't need any more grief - I'll try to be good :lol:


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> WH - I think we have a tendency to want to have one-stop shopping for our emotions. We want to completely hate or completely love or completely not care.
> 
> But with people we've known and loved for a very long time, the emotions are usually varied and many & it's OK to have many emotions, some of them contradictory, at the same time.
> 
> ...



Yeah true enough Dame. I guess this is just so much more to me though and damaging forever the one person we're suppose to be protecting most.
And her attitude to that is the most angrying of all , well that and this whole walk away thing after everything we'd been through.
I guess I feel yeah , I messed up big but at the end of the day it was a mistake and I was there willing and wanting to save our family . I could never have done this let alone with an attitude like that for d.

But yeah, it is what it is now. Really to, we only have one choice when children are involved if we wanna do the best for them. So my strategy from here is lay low for awhile when I'm feeling a bit raw about it all - and keep raiding her fridge


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

hank_rea said:


> I wish I could hate my stbxw. That would make all of this so much easier.



So you can't then yeah ? Well , if it's any consolation , the bad emotions are pretty damn taxing on us , they do scare me more than the others .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> I think that this is just part of the detaching process. In being nice to her you have suppressed your anger, but now this is coming to the surface. If you continue to detach it won't turn into hatred but will just subside into indifference.
> 
> What I am learning is that anger and hatred are actually very "attached" emotions. They keep you bound to the object of your anger or hatred. It's only once you let go of anger and hatred that you can detach yourself.
> 
> But it sounds like you're doing that anyway. And as you distance yourself from her your emotions towards her (good, bad or ugly) will subside too. No-one feels strongly about someone they just don't care too much about. Someone you meet in the street may do something that gets you worked up for a little while, but you don't sustain that because the person means little or nothing to you. Same with detached STBX's.



Thanks V . You know amongst it all I do feel stuff your saying coming, going and back again.
Like who ever would have thought that these days , I mightn't have talked for a week and a half to my own wife - now ex but yet she rings and I want to get off because I'm in the middle of something .
I guess that's detached creeping in !


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