# How to tell guys I'm married without sounding assuming/arrogant?



## foxfire (Jul 25, 2012)

Hey ladies! I'm new! I am in business school, and so networking is very important. I've been married for almost a year. My problem is: sometimes guys hit on me, and I can tell that they are hitting on me. But I'm nice to everyone and act friendly towards all men and women equally, so I think some guys get the wrong idea. Two questions. First- how do I be nice to guys without them thinking I'm hitting on them? Second- when they ask for my number or to catch a drink or coffee, what do I say? Because in school people do this all the time. But I can TELL when it's just friendly or networking, versus when I'm being hit on, but I can't call the guy out on it without sounding assuming or arrogant, like I assumed he was asking me out. My wedding ring isn't a diamond but it still looks like a wedding ring, but I guess guys don't think it is or else they don't look. Help!


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

Just mention your "husband" in conversation, that way you don't even have to go there, they already know. Saves you from many awkward moments. And don't give your number to men, only a business card would be appropriate, nothing else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Maybe you are networking with the wrong people?

Stick with professional business minded folks that wouldn't hit on every female colleague they meet. Find people that are more interested in money than sex.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Guy: Hey, can I have your number?
You: My husband and I have an agreement regarding that. I don't give my number to other men, he doesn't give his to other women.

Guy: Hey, wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime?
You: Sorry, my husband and I meet at the coffee shop to catch up/unwind from the day's activities. It's our special time. Hope you understand.

If they persist, them simply tell them "look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm just not interested."


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. I just bring up my husband in conversation. When we're talking, and they start to seem like they are flirting or whatever, I take the conversation towards my husband.

"Ooh! My husband LOVES [whatever that is]!"


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I know how you feel. when I was younger, guys would hit on me even though I had a ring on. I would handle it in one of the ways described above, but some are persistent and say things like, "he doesn't have to know.." etc. That, to me, is just insulting. If they don't respect it when you are respecting your marriage, I no longer feel they need to be given any further respect themselves. At that point, it's like: "you wouldn't get my number even if I WASN'T married. Get lost."


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, if they pursue it that blatantly, then they are scum anyway.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Off topic: My sister in law was home alone and the neighbor was moving out. He decided to throw out a line: I've always thought you were pretty; maybe you can have me over when your husband is at work some time. She called my brother (her husband) and he came home from work and confronted the guy. Scared the guy so bad he pissed his pants. I was so proud.  

Point: your marriage is just like anything else that's valuable. If you leave it unattended, it will get stolen, violated, vandalized, yadda yadda. If it means something to you, there are times you will have to protect it, even if it means standing up and confronting. It's worth it. And if it isn't, you have big problems.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Here is something you could do, if your wearing a ring that is.

"Hold on.." look at your ring, fiddle with it as if making sure its still bright and shiny then show it to them and ask... "Is there still a smudge on this?" If they anser then shrug and ask.. "Now what were you saying?"

Or you could do this... pull out your phone and say... "hold on one minute... you just reminded me to tell my husband that we need more coffee.."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Or you could just say 'Do you mind if my husband & 10 kids come as well? They don't get out very often.'


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> Or you could just say 'Do you mind if my husband & 10 kids come as well? They don't get out very often.'


I thought about something like this above!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Or you could do this... pull out your phone and say... "hold on one minute... you just reminded me to tell my husband that we need more coffee.."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good one!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think you are sending the wrong signals to men. To them networking = flirting. No wonder you are getting hit on.

I'm with Lon you are networking with the wrong crowd. I say this from experience. I'm a CPA and I did NOT network at school. Like they could help me. LOL If anything they are more concerned about their own success/needs than mine. I didn't hang out with men in college when I was married.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First off, it's not "arrogant or assuming" to tell someone you're married. No clue why you think that.

You either are married or you're not. It's really simple.



foxfire said:


> Two questions. First- how do I be nice to guys without them thinking I'm hitting on them? !



By treating them as you would a colleague: cordial and professional. All business. By having good boundaries.




foxfire said:


> Second- when they ask for my number or to catch a drink or coffee, what do I say?


When asked for your #: "I am married."
When asked to catch a drink or coffee: "I can't. I am meeting up with my husband later."

Basically, work your husband into the conversation as much as you can. 

Perfect example: the other morning I was at Starbuck's and this man made a funny comment to me that made me laugh as we were sugaring/creaming our coffees. I laughed and he said "My wife always..." (relevant to what we talked about). This guy had the excellent approach on how to deal with people. I saw the ring on his finger and walked away thinking "His wife is a lucky woman." Another dude prob woulda tried to flirt if he was a skeevy a$$.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

this post made me chuckle.Networking is a must in my field.i watched the married gals with rings on flirting like mad with the men they're were "networking" with.it was sickening.
seems these days networking is just an excuse to act like a cheeky single gal with the men in the field.

There are ways to network and carry yourself in such a way that men will catch your signals and KNOW without a doubt that hitting on you is NOT an option.
It's the "married and happy vibe" that scares them off.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> how do I be nice to guys without them thinking I'm hitting on them?


Impossible... Men are hardwired to see female attention as sexual interest. 



> My wedding ring isn't a diamond but it still looks like a wedding ring, but I guess guys don't think it is or else they don't look.


Oh honey... They don't care 

I think the good ladies here have given excellent tips on how to dodge those situations.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> There are ways to network and carry yourself in such a way that men will catch your signals and KNOW without a doubt that hitting on you is NOT an option.
> *It's the "married and happy vibe" that scares them off*.


That doesn't deter some men. (Or women).

The key is to have good boundaries and be clear by telling them HELL to the NO if they try


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> That doesn't deter some men. (Or women).
> 
> The key is to have good boundaries and be clear by telling them HELL to the NO if they try


lol this is true. while the majority get the message,the scumbags won't care...and they don't deserve a nice thought out response.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If you're approaching single men to 'network' that negates any married and happy vibe.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you could tattoo your face


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i cant believe a married woman actually would need advice on how to handle this, why would you be afraid of hurting someones feelings, you are married and not interested, right?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you could tattoo your face


Then she would attract a different crowd ....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i cant believe a married woman actually would need advice on how to handle this, why would you be afraid of hurting someones feelings, you are married and not interested, right?


She sounds very young and just getting into this whole married thing versus the old single life. We see folks have to transition. If a woman is use to having males friends she is probably used to having coffee and lunch with them. Exchanging contact information. Out of that pool BFs are often found. 

But for some folks setting the right boundaries seems a tad tough to do. Just how much cake eating is ok kinda thing. It is a transition to married boundaries.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> She sounds very young and just getting into this whole married thing versus the old single life. We see folks have to transition. If a woman is use to having males friends she is probably used to having coffee and lunch with them. Exchanging contact information. Out of that pool BFs are often found.
> 
> But for some folks setting the right boundaries seems a tad tough to do. Just how much cake eating is ok kinda thing. It is a transition to married boundaries.


true but this transition should have been made when they became exclusive with each other which happens long before marriage...her transition period is over.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> true but this transition should have been made when they became exclusive with each other which happens long before marriage...her transition period is over.


Agreed!!!


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I work in a similar environment where a lot of socialising with men is needed and up until recently i didnt have an engagement ring, so i appeared available.

If i was ever asked out by someone i never wanted to say 'no becasue i have a boyfriend' because in my weird head that told them that the only reason i wouldnt go is because i had a boyfriend.

Therefore i just said, 'Thank you for asking, but im not interested'. Most blokes really dont care about getting knocked back, it has never sullied any business relaionships.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Drink with your left hand.

Then hold your drink near your boobs to guarantee the other guy sees it.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> i cant believe a married woman actually would need advice on how to handle this, why would you be afraid of hurting someones feelings, you are married and not interested, right?


:iagree:


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

just be rude and say 


"I'm married"

my wife says she makes it obvious she is married when a guy starts to flirt and she disengages in the convo. but tries to be a nice as possible in doing so.


Honestly when i was younger before i got married i remember flirting with several women who happened to be married. I have been told straight up "I'm married sorry" and at times in a almost rude way. 


But you know what i think of that? 

Those are good women and they are not going to bait some guy into flirting with them and than say "ooh sorry i am married but thanks for the attention" . I always respected when a woman would turn me down and say she was married sure i was disappointed but i gave her respect and thought her guy must be lucky. Some women love to get all that attention and some wont even say they are married just in case the like the guy and want to continue some inappropriate relationship.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Most men are idiots I'm afraid. I'm in business also and I go out of my way to make sure that when I approach a female that I am friendly but, I project myself as a married man to make sure that any confusion over my intentions is not my fault.

As long as you do the same then any misconception on their part is not your problem.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I'm thinking the reason that she doesn't want to say anything too bluntly is because these men are at least networking contacts and possibly fellow students looking to get their MBA, so embarrassing them may not benefit gopher on the long run. And if she shuts them down by saying she's married, it invites the whole "Hey now, I didn't mean anything like that! I was just asking if you wanted to have a cuppa while we discussed mutually beneficial marketing strategies. Get over yourself."

Plus, thers always the chance That the guy really ISN'T hitting on her, and then she seems snotty and too cool for the room.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> I'm thinking the reason that she doesn't want to say anything too bluntly is because these men are at least networking contacts and possibly fellow students looking to get their MBA, so embarrassing them may not benefit gopher on the long run. And if she shuts them down by saying she's married, it invites the whole "Hey now, I didn't mean anything like that! I was just asking if you wanted to have a cuppa while we discussed mutually beneficial marketing strategies. Get over yourself."
> 
> Plus, thers always the chance That the guy really ISN'T hitting on her, and then she seems snotty and too cool for the room.


:iagree:

This is what I thought the OP's motive was also. She realizes it's possible some of the men are asking her to coffee or a lunch just for business talk and not for any nefarious reasons. They may not be interested in her other than for professioinal reasons. She wants to be able to turn down such an invite in a way that doesn't make her look like she thinks every man is interested in her.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Guy Customer: So when you getting off work (with a sly smile)
Me: When my husband comes to pick me up at the end of my shift

THAT SIMPLE!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Lon said:


> Maybe you are networking with the wrong people?
> 
> Stick with professional business minded folks that wouldn't hit on every female colleague they meet. Find people that are more interested in money than sex.


Lon's advice is good. 

There is no reason to get together alone to network. 

You can network in a group. 

Also, bring your husband if you need private discussion others can't hear.

As for preventing flirting, it is my opinion that people give off flirtatious vibes and that is how they get flirted with. 

If it is happening to you all the time, you are likely giving off flirtatious vibes. 

Once in awhile a man is aggressive about flirting even if you don't give off flirtatious vibes, but they are easily shut down with a look or a comment if they are normal. 

I worked in a business where I had to take clients out to lunch frequently to get their accounts. 

It was rare for someone to hit on me because I did not give off those vibes.

A few did, but I shut it down pronto and still retained them as a business contact, with the exception of one wealthy aggressive man.

In his case I asked my boss for a transfer. When I explained why, she transferred me immediately without further questioning and assigned a man to the account.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Here is something you could do, if your wearing a ring that is.
> 
> "Hold on.." look at your ring, fiddle with it as if making sure its still bright and shiny then show it to them and ask... "Is there still a smudge on this?" If they anser then shrug and ask.. "Now what were you saying?"


Fussing with a ring is seen by some as a sign you are unhappy in a marriage. I was hit on when I fussed with my wedding ring.

(I was actually bored and the ring has a design that has an up and down, I took it off and turned it around to make it right. The woman used that as an opener to ask me if I was happy. )


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## entrada (Jul 12, 2012)

In addition to all the great posts, I'd say, scrutinize your dress code when you're alone and put hubby's pics as ur phone wallpaper- it helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I agree with the importance of networking. It seems to me that your ring should go some way to let men know you are about business. but also sprinkle some remarks in that include "my husband and I",

I think that there can be some occassions when it is advantageous one on one. In that case, limit it to coffee; early evening; provide your own transportation; choose a well lit place; and dress extremely professionally.

when you exchange contact details, keep conversation professional. Do not respond to inaappropriate messages. show husband all of them. And sometimes I think the time of day can also make a difference. Try to send an e-mail during business hours so that it doesn't appear as if you were up all night thinking about him.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

foxfire said:


> Hey ladies! I'm new! I am in business school, and so networking is very important. I've been married for almost a year. My problem is: sometimes guys hit on me, and I can tell that they are hitting on me. But I'm nice to everyone and act friendly towards all men and women equally, so I think some guys get the wrong idea. Two questions. First- how do I be nice to guys without them thinking I'm hitting on them? Second- when they ask for my number or to catch a drink or coffee, what do I say? Because in school people do this all the time. But I can TELL when it's just friendly or networking, versus when I'm being hit on, but I can't call the guy out on it without sounding assuming or arrogant, like I assumed he was asking me out. My wedding ring isn't a diamond but it still looks like a wedding ring, but I guess guys don't think it is or else they don't look. Help!


You can decline in a variety of ways, each one suitable to the invitation and to the person. It's fine to be nice, don't stop! People should be prepared for an answer if they extend an invitation, you don't need to give a reason. Just be polite, and remember not to decline in a way that is going to leave you out of group invitations, such as those that also might occur, or worse yet, leave you out of project groups and study groups. You are in business school, and you do need to learn to be social with men while not spending way too much of your mental and intellectual energy trying to protect the opposite gender from the effects of their own social forays. And yay, sometimes asking for someone's phone number is appropriate and you can learn to figure that out too. You'll make some blunders, but experience is the best teacher.

When my husband was deployed I found out he'd been lying to me, etc. So I stopped wearing my wedding and engagement rings. But I had no intention of going out with anyone or accepting any invites. I didn't. But I did want to get used to setting boundaries without relying on a ring. I did just fine, yes I made a blunder or two, but my heart was in the right place. In work it is always good to learn how to get along with those who might be attracted to you, it's a two-way street learning how to make people comfortable while still maintaining boundaries so that work can be accomplished. You are right to want to nail down this skill because if you don't it can and will affect your work and your professional life.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

nobody seems to set boundaries these days. There's too much free love going on


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

We had a CPA come to our theater to examine the books as usual. His desk was set up in a screening room and my boss (female) and I were set up in there as well, across the room, not at the same table or anything. I was working on a task while my boss was away. This guy was extremely nervous and kept saying things to the effect that he was uncomfortable being in a room with a female. I'm not sure WHAT his issue was, I had NO INTENTION of making moves on him. It was horrible, he kept on and on and it was really difficult to do any work. lol. I'm sure he was an extreme case but it made me wonder how this guy got on professionally doing audits as a CPA. It was almost sexist the way he was framing it, like it was somehow BOTHERSOME and creating ADVERSE WORKING SITUATION for him just by virtue of me being a female, he made me feel ashamed just for being a woman, not something I could change, and I sure as h*ll wasn't going to leave my work undone to accommodate him. If he had some kind of issue he should have asked for accommodations when he took on the contract to audit our books. I know this is extreme, but try not to make your classmates feel bad for being who they are, which is, in part, male, as well as your classmates. Classmates have special status, it's kind of social and kind of like work, I worked in a business school and to get invited to lunch or coffee is just sometimes lunch or coffee because you have a special skill, and it's not BJ, lol, it might be financial statement analysis or knowledge of special software to do event studies or how to use a special system like Wharton Research Data System or patent data analysis or something like that.


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