# Husband wants a divorce



## Ambsk (8 mo ago)

Yesterday my husband told me the connection is gone and he wants a divorce. We have been together for 12.5 years total, married for only 2.5 years of that time and he already wants divorce. He’s in the military and says he wants to live his life independent and do what he wants when he wants and not have to worry about anyone or hurting anyone. We have had such an amazing relationship growing up together, he was my best friend, but this last year has been rocky. Constant fights, me putting in effort and not getting anything back, feeling his disconnect and trying my hardest to fix things between us. He swears up and down there’s nobody else and it’s not about cheating. He just wants to travel and live life independently in the military I suppose. We have been together since we were 16/17 and we are now 30/31. I never thought I would be divorced, let alone so soon in my marriage. Although this year has been rocky, I’m not ready to throw the towel in, but he is. I envisioned my life with him, children, growing old. We tried marriage counseling in the past for only 3 sessions but he says counseling won’t work and we’ll just fall back into our old habits of fighting, because we want different things. He proposed to me, broke off that engagement and we eventually got re-engaged. I married him because he asked again and I thought for sure this time he had grown and was sure. When we got married he said he wanted a family and kids and now he’s saying he doesn’t want kids. I’m feeling completely blindsided. Horrible, unloved, and devastated. I feel like he’s been pretending to love me this whole time. And I just can’t believe that this is happening to me. How do I move on when I’m in love with him and don’t want this divorce? Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.😞 I don’t know if it’s helpful to speculate, but if he is insistent on getting a divorce, I think all you can do is accept it and allow yourself to grieve. It’s a loss like any other loss. I’ve never been through a divorce but a few long-ish relationships before my marriage, and I remember feeling like I was in a fog when they ended.

Does he want to file soon? I ask because if he drags out actually filing, that would tell me he wants to keep you in the background while he explores “his independence,” which is usually code for dating others.

So, if he wants to file quickly, that tells me he’s done. If he told you he wants a divorce but has no timeline to file, be careful not to live your life in limbo waiting on him. If you read some stories on here, this happens a lot - one spouse says they want a divorce but that’s so they can justify seeing other people, but months later when it doesn’t work out, they want their marriage back. Just something to be mindful of.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check his phone bill.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ambsk said:


> Yesterday my husband told me the connection is gone and he wants a divorce. We have been together for 12.5 years total, married for only 2.5 years of that time and he already wants divorce. He’s in the military and says he wants to live his life independent and do what he wants when he wants and not have to worry about anyone or hurting anyone. We have had such an amazing relationship growing up together, he was my best friend, but this last year has been rocky. Constant fights, me putting in effort and not getting anything back, feeling his disconnect and trying my hardest to fix things between us. He swears up and down there’s nobody else and it’s not about cheating. He just wants to travel and live life independently in the military I suppose. We have been together since we were 16/17 and we are now 30/31. I never thought I would be divorced, let alone so soon in my marriage. Although this year has been rocky, I’m not ready to throw the towel in, but he is. I envisioned my life with him, children, growing old. We tried marriage counseling in the past for only 3 sessions but he says counseling won’t work and we’ll just fall back into our old habits of fighting, because we want different things. He proposed to me, broke off that engagement and we eventually got re-engaged. I married him because he asked again and I thought for sure this time he had grown and was sure. When we got married he said he wanted a family and kids and now he’s saying he doesn’t want kids. I’m feeling completely blindsided. Horrible, unloved, and devastated. I feel like he’s been pretending to love me this whole time. And I just can’t believe that this is happening to me. How do I move on when I’m in love with him and don’t want this divorce? Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.


You can’t make him love you. If you chase he’ll move even farther away. Let him go. 
You like most are stuck in the I love him so he must love me too phase. Nope. His actions tell you that. There is no magic to fix this.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Loosely translated...."I found someone new so adios"!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It will take time to recover — maybe much more time than you think it should — but one day you’ll be over him. When I was going through my divorce I had a journal that I put everything in. I carried it around with me everywhere I went until my divorce was done and I had checked off the things I needed to check off to move forward. I know this is devastating but you WILL get through it. Take things an hour at a time or a minute at a time if an hour feels too long. Focus on you and what you need to do. I wish you the best.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The only positive thing I can say is that if he doesn't want children and you do, that's a reason to accept it and eventually try and move on. Even if you did stay together, could you deal with no children?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ambsk said:


> Yesterday my husband told me the connection is gone and he wants a divorce. We have been together for 12.5 years total, married for only 2.5 years of that time.
> 
> ...... He’s in the military ...... not have to worry about anyone or hurting anyone.
> 
> ...


Ending a 12.5 year relationship sucks. You will need time to grieve and heal from this. I hope that you will come out of it a stronger and happier person who better understands relationships.

Let's look at some of the red flags that you should have seen and paid more attention to.

You feel you have been with him since 16/17. Wow, people grow up and as they do, they change. Most people are a whole lot different in terms of outlook, views on children, careers, etc. It is not uncommon for two people to grow apart as opposed to stay on the same page. He is not the same person you married. He has changed. He wanted kids, now he doesn't. 

We have only been married 2.5 years and you were engaged, he broke it off, and then you became engaged again and then recently married. So for roughly a decade of your relationship he was not pressing for marriage or at least had some reluctance. That is a heck of a red flag. Learn from that.

It is pretty clear that the guy is career military. He said he doesn't want to worry about hurting anyone. In many cases for some, military becomes a family of its own. Did he have any combat experiences that make him afraid recently to have kids to possible be placed in a situation where he dies and leaves a wife and child behind should he die? When deployed he can become so close to people that he really wants to travel and play with others. That is live life while you can. In the past have you visited him when he was deployed or on leave? 

So in 2.5 years of marriage, one year was rocky and during that rocky time the two of you went to 3 marriage counseling session before he stopped going. That is a pretty huge red flag. One of the most powerful things that helped save my marriage was when we were in counseling that we talked about what we wanted in the future. What did we want our lives to look like in 10 years, 15 years, 20 years. etc. What did retirement look like, how much did we want to travel, did we just want to sit on the poach and watch sunsets, what kind of relationship did we want to have with our parents, our children our grandchildren? Three sessions was probably too short to get into those kinds of things, but he has told you about travel and not feeling responsible or avoiding hurting others as his vision of his future. Use this as an opportunity to figure out what you want you life to be like. Don't adopt his vision as yours, but actually figure out what you want for yourself and your happiness. Then work on making it happen. 

Now as to what to do? I suggest get and read M.W. Davis book Divorce Busting. I also suggest you take advantage of some of the military related programs for counseling and marriage counseling. Divorce is something that the military deals with a lot. They have resources and you should take advantage of them to heal, and get yourself in a better place.

Good luck.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Go online and check his phone bill.


Why? I think the sooner she disconnects from him, the better. There won't be an answer that can satisfy her. If she figures out what she thinks is the "why", she may try to fix it. She is so blessed to learn this before having kids with the guy.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Ambsk said:


> me putting in effort and not getting anything back, feeling his disconnect and trying my hardest to fix things between us.


What specifically did you do to try to fix things and what was his response?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Assuming he's telling the truth & there is no one else, if you want to fix this try asking him to talk to you & at least give MC a chance. Use a counselor from the military because I wonder if he's afraid of getting killed & hurting you that way or if he sees to much infidelity that he's afraid. 

Good luck but I agree with Diana when she cautioned you against staying with a man who doesn't want kids when you want them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

There isn’t much you can do in this situation except to protect yourself.

I have seen this scenario play out a few times when it was in the military. It was an eye opener to see the guys turn on their wives like they did. It was like a switch was flipped on their emotions.

Who knows if there is another woman, it wasn’t a factor in the ones I witnessed.

One thing, did the two of you just started living together when you got married or playing house and finally made it official the past 2 1/2 years?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ambsk said:


> Yesterday my husband told me the connection is gone and he wants a divorce. We have been together for 12.5 years total, married for only 2.5 years of that time and he already wants divorce. He’s in the military and says he wants to live his life independent and do what he wants when he wants and not have to worry about anyone or hurting anyone. We have had such an amazing relationship growing up together, he was my best friend, but this last year has been rocky. Constant fights, me putting in effort and not getting anything back, feeling his disconnect and trying my hardest to fix things between us. He swears up and down there’s nobody else and it’s not about cheating. He just wants to travel and live life independently in the military I suppose. We have been together since we were 16/17 and we are now 30/31. I never thought I would be divorced, let alone so soon in my marriage. Although this year has been rocky, I’m not ready to throw the towel in, but he is. I envisioned my life with him, children, growing old. We tried marriage counseling in the past for only 3 sessions but he says counseling won’t work and we’ll just fall back into our old habits of fighting, because we want different things. He proposed to me, broke off that engagement and we eventually got re-engaged. I married him because he asked again and I thought for sure this time he had grown and was sure. When we got married he said he wanted a family and kids and now he’s saying he doesn’t want kids. I’m feeling completely blindsided. Horrible, unloved, and devastated. I feel like he’s been pretending to love me this whole time. And I just can’t believe that this is happening to me. How do I move on when I’m in love with him and don’t want this divorce? Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.


Unfortunately, these young relationships usually do end up with one or the other or both outgrowing or growing in a different direction than the other. I'm very sorry this is going to be a big loss to you. He just wants to be independent and now that he's mature he realizes that life is not for him. It very well may never be but you never know in the future if he might settle down. I just wouldn't count on it being with you if he does because he's obviously going to be out there meeting other people. 

I think change is usually good and nearly always inevitable. It's going to be very difficult for you at first but I think this will be the first time you've actually experience being on your own and calling all your own shots in probably your entire life. Sometimes that is needed in order to just bloom into the person you really are. So I hope you'll take time out to be on your own for at least a couple of years and learn that you can fully depend on yourself and take care of yourself before trying to get back into another relationship in which you might end up dependent or you might rush into because you're not used to being alone. 

You'll be okay!


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Ambsk said:


> Yesterday my husband told me the connection is gone and he wants a divorce. We have been together for 12.5 years total, married for only 2.5 years of that time and he already wants divorce. He’s in the military and says he wants to live his life independent and do what he wants when he wants and not have to worry about anyone or hurting anyone. We have had such an amazing relationship growing up together, he was my best friend, but this last year has been rocky. Constant fights, me putting in effort and not getting anything back, feeling his disconnect and trying my hardest to fix things between us. He swears up and down there’s nobody else and it’s not about cheating. He just wants to travel and live life independently in the military I suppose. We have been together since we were 16/17 and we are now 30/31. I never thought I would be divorced, let alone so soon in my marriage. Although this year has been rocky, I’m not ready to throw the towel in, but he is. I envisioned my life with him, children, growing old. We tried marriage counseling in the past for only 3 sessions but he says counseling won’t work and we’ll just fall back into our old habits of fighting, because we want different things. He proposed to me, broke off that engagement and we eventually got re-engaged. I married him because he asked again and I thought for sure this time he had grown and was sure. When we got married he said he wanted a family and kids and now he’s saying he doesn’t want kids. I’m feeling completely blindsided. Horrible, unloved, and devastated. I feel like he’s been pretending to love me this whole time. And I just can’t believe that this is happening to me. How do I move on when I’m in love with him and don’t want this divorce? Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.


He doesn’t want children. He wants to go live life fee and independent of you.
That is grounds for irreconcilable difference. Lucky for you, that’s a good thing! Don’t stay with him anymore. Your life has no where to go but up after you leave him! Life is short, and being a parent is by far the most rewarding job out there for anyone with the desire to be one! Trust me, even though I was a nervous to be dad kind of guy. There is no way in h*ll I would want to go though life without this experience! You sound like a good woman, who wants rational basic things in her life. You will not be on the market long. Within 2 years or so you will be right back on here telling us how your new husband left a mess on the bathroom floor. But secretly you will be smiling at your new life! Don’t let your current “marriage” hold you back any longer! Especially today when you are reading through all the FB Mother’s Day post, you know it’s time to move on.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Ambsk said:


> Yesterday my husband told me the connection is gone and he wants a divorce. We have been together for 12.5 years total, married for only 2.5 years of that time and he already wants divorce. He’s in the military and says he wants to live his life independent and do what he wants when he wants and not have to worry about anyone or hurting anyone. We have had such an amazing relationship growing up together, he was my best friend, but this last year has been rocky. Constant fights, me putting in effort and not getting anything back, feeling his disconnect and trying my hardest to fix things between us. He swears up and down there’s nobody else and it’s not about cheating. He just wants to travel and live life independently in the military I suppose. We have been together since we were 16/17 and we are now 30/31. I never thought I would be divorced, let alone so soon in my marriage. Although this year has been rocky, I’m not ready to throw the towel in, but he is. I envisioned my life with him, children, growing old. We tried marriage counseling in the past for only 3 sessions but he says counseling won’t work and we’ll just fall back into our old habits of fighting, because we want different things. He proposed to me, broke off that engagement and we eventually got re-engaged. I married him because he asked again and I thought for sure this time he had grown and was sure. When we got married he said he wanted a family and kids and now he’s saying he doesn’t want kids. I’m feeling completely blindsided. Horrible, unloved, and devastated. I feel like he’s been pretending to love me this whole time. And I just can’t believe that this is happening to me. How do I move on when I’m in love with him and don’t want this divorce? Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.


I am truly sorry for your situation but you cannot hold someone hostage in a marriage. I leaned this some years ago. He has made it clear he wants out for whatever his reasons are. Just accept it and move forward as hard as that seems. I hope you eventually meet someone with your same goals and desires, but it is not him from what you wrote.


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