# I know I shouldn't do this...



## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

Been separated from my serial cheating husband since April (we were married for 5 years). I think for the most part I've been handling things okay considering how crappy the situation is. I am so tempted to message him and tell him what an absolute POS he is. Remind him what a deceitful, selfish, narcissistic asshole he is. I know that I should not, but I am just feeling all types of anger right now. As I'm here with our son he is off 3.5 hours away living it up with his new girlfriend. I guess I just needed a place to let this out. When do you stop feeling so angry about what happened?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Why are you still separated from him and not filing for divorce? 
He is off with a girlfriend so how is the separation benefiting your marriage? Separations are a time for reflection and working on a marriage (or so I've been told)


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

It can take a while. And yes, it is very tempting to tell him off like that. If you really feel the need to do so, write the message in Word or similar program and save it. You can always send it later. Right now though, you have another life to think of, your son. And not knowing your details, you need to set the groundwork to keep him. So anything negative that you send your ex's way can jeopardize that. Best time to send it is after your son is 18. Of course, justice might be served by that time. My one wife's ex husband was an abusive c**k wombble (my apologies to c**k wombbles out there for insulting you), who would gaslight as well as physically abuse her constantly. Now he is being henpecked by his current wife. Even their kids are seeing the real him, as he tends to ignore them and the grandkids. Any visit they might have is at a near by parking lot, and never in his home.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

How about you write it all down in a letter, then shred it, burn it, whatever. Get it out, but don't send it. It won't matter to him anyway.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Why are you still separated from him and not filing for divorce?
> He is off with a girlfriend so how is the separation benefiting your marriage? Separations are a time for reflection and working on a marriage (or so I've been told)


It might be part of a state mandated separation period. Last I was dealing with MD divorce law, a couple of decades ago, short of issues of violence, there was a one year mandatory period of separation prior to going through the final divorce procedure.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No contact is your only good path. The only one that can keep you in this is you.

He knows who he is and what he’s doing you don’t have to tell him that. Talk and words are meaningless in these situations. Only your actions count.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, the good news is that the anger isn’t usually constant. The bad news is that it can take awhile for it to go away entirely. My anger unfortunately went on for years (hopefully yours won’t) and I ate a lot of chocolate during that time. I know it’s tough to deal with but keep telling yourself that it won’t last forever.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

bobert said:


> How about you write it all down in a letter, then shred it, burn it, whatever. Get it out, but don't send it. It won't matter to him anyway.


Oooo, yeah. There are some Wiccan spells that do that for ridding one's self of negative energy. Now you don't have to believe in the magic or anything thing, but the ritual of it has help non-Wiccans before in my experience.


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## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Why are you still separated from him and not filing for divorce?
> He is off with a girlfriend so how is the separation benefiting your marriage? Separations are a time for reflection and working on a marriage (or so I've been told)


In Canada you have to be separated for at least a year before you can file for divorce. The process can be expedited but it's a lot more costly. We are legally separated. The marriage is DONE.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

maquiscat said:


> It might be part of a state mandated separation period. Last I was dealing with MD divorce law, a couple of decades ago, short of issues of violence, there was a one year mandatory period of separation prior to going through the final divorce procedure.


Good point, I know a few of them still do to account for reconciliation, but for f*#k's sake there ought to be a caveat for spouses showing no signs of reconciliation.


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## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> It might be part of a state mandated separation period. Last I was dealing with MD divorce law, a couple of decades ago, short of issues of violence, there was a one year mandatory period of separation prior to going through the final divorce procedure.


Yes, this is exactly the case in Canada


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

RNSoSo said:


> When do you stop feeling so angry about what happened?


It took me years. But you can use that anger positively. I decided to funnel all of my anger into getting my Ph.D. Some people work out and get in the best shape of their lives, some people start a business. Seven years later, I almost have my Ph.D. and he doesn't register on the emotional scale.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Living well truly is the best revenge in the long run. Yes it will appear that he is winning in the short run but take care of yourself, become a better version of yourself. That's how you win.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RNSoSo said:


> Been separated from my serial cheating husband since April (we were married for 5 years). I think for the most part I've been handling things okay considering how crappy the situation is. I am so tempted to message him and tell him what an absolute POS he is. Remind him what a deceitful, selfish, narcissistic asshole he is. I know that I should not, but I am just feeling all types of anger right now. As I'm here with our son he is off 3.5 hours away living it up with his new girlfriend. I guess I just needed a place to let this out. When do you stop feeling so angry about what happened?


Would you put the following advert on Craigslist? "Wanted, serial cheating, deceitful, narcissistic asshole to share my home with"?

Of course not.

However, what you are doing is giving that person rent free accommodation in your head.

I would recommend counselling such as Talking Theraphy or NLP.

Also, every time you think of your ex-husband, I want you to picture this image in your mind:-


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## cnw1005 (Mar 29, 2020)

RNSoSo said:


> Been separated from my serial cheating husband since April (we were married for 5 years). I think for the most part I've been handling things okay considering how crappy the situation is. I am so tempted to message him and tell him what an absolute POS he is. Remind him what a deceitful, selfish, narcissistic asshole he is. I know that I should not, but I am just feeling all types of anger right now. As I'm here with our son he is off 3.5 hours away living it up with his new girlfriend. I guess I just needed a place to let this out. When do you stop feeling so angry about what happened?


Im sorry you are going through this. Messaging him wont matter, it might give you a temporary satisfaction but then when he starts responding it will just make it worse. I dealt with it, I would message him about how hurt I was and how horrible he was being and he would respond with a sweet apologetic message and he loved me so much and wouldnt do it again. well.. he did it again. Leave him be, you deserve better.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RNSoSo said:


> In Canada you have to be separated for at least a year before you can file for divorce. The process can be expedited but it's a lot more costly. We are legally separated. The marriage is DONE.


The marriage is done.

Being, not done, still hurts.

Done, leaves no room for pain.

You are done.

Spit out his bad taste, drink of the better tasting future to come.

..................................................................................

Life had in store for you, a fork in the road, (seems like) two paths for you to complete.
Yet, another adventure.

Look at it as a gift, not a curse.



_Are Dee-_


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RNSoSo said:


> Been separated from my serial cheating husband since April (we were married for 5 years). I think for the most part I've been handling things okay considering how crappy the situation is. I am so tempted to message him and tell him what an absolute POS he is. Remind him what a deceitful, selfish, narcissistic asshole he is. I know that I should not, but I am just feeling all types of anger right now. As I'm here with our son he is off 3.5 hours away living it up with his new girlfriend. I guess I just needed a place to let this out. When do you stop feeling so angry about what happened?


Hi RNSoSo,
I'm sorry you're here dealing with this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, especially with a child involved. My advice is to ignore him completely and work on detaching from him. I get the anger, but the only person that anger will hurt is you. He doesn't GAF about you or what you think about him, in fact it might make him feel great. Any attention from you feeds his ego or helps him justify his actions, especially if he is narcissistic. 

I threw myself into other things to diffuse my anger, and girl, I was furious. He was afraid I'd "take his head off" and was surprised when I didn't. You have a son, so take care of him and you. Work out if you're physically able, do physically challenging home projects, take a self defense class, anything that can diffuse your anger. 

If you're worn out, try some self care... aromatherapy, meditation, therapy, massage. Take some classes, start a garden, or anything that can nurture your bruised spirit. My body was worn down, but my mind was sharp, so I went back to school. 



BlueWoman said:


> It took me years. But you can use that anger positively. I decided to funnel all of my anger into getting my Ph.D. Some people work out and get in the best shape of their lives, some people start a business. Seven years later, I almost have my Ph.D. and he doesn't register on the emotional scale.


I immediately enrolled in grad school a few weeks after DD, it think it was the best decision. I've spent the last 21 months focused on school and am in a much better mental position. I simply didn't have time or energy to wallow, I put my energy into getting the best quality degree I can. 

Every so often I purposefully expose myself to triggers to gauge my healing. This week I watched this Netflix series that hit very close to home for me (Dead To Me) and I was mildly disappointed my ex didn't meet the same fate the main characters' did (he was run over by a car while "jogging" to meet his mistress). But then, I'd have had to sell the house anyway to pay off debts he accrued living his secret life. Meh.



Al_Bundy said:


> Living well truly is the best revenge in the long run. Yes it will appear that he is winning in the short run but take care of yourself, become a better version of yourself. That's how you win.


Yes it is. Even if he seems happy, and noone else knows what he did, he will always know and be dissatisfied with who he is. You though can set yourself free and reach for thungs you didn't have the opportunity to have.


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