# He left



## JessyH (7 mo ago)

I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and married for 6. I found out he has been having an affair 15 months ago with his dead brothers ex girlfriend. 15x he said he would cut it off, 15 months I have heard it was done. He hasn’t spent more then 2 weeks at home with me, and he goes to her place. I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago, and that doesn’t stop him. Apparently he told her that he wishes it was her that was pregnant. We own a home together, having our first baby.. and the chaos continues. I always take him back when he wants to come home. He changed his number 4x already. Just recently 9 days ago, he ended up leaving. I decided no contact. He started calling me almost everyday. Begging me to answer and sending me love songs and an old picture of us. Later in the evening Monday, he was asking for his email password. I found it weird as that’s where he’s been communicating with me. I mentioned something about the songs and writing me from it. His affair partner texts me and questions me about what he’s been sending me because from her understanding he hasn’t spoken to me since he left.
after that I haven’t spoken to him since Tuesday. I took him back 15x and have been abandoned 15x. I made him take all of his things. She lives in a run down subsidized social housing building. She has a 10 year old daughter. We own a beautiful home and expecting our first baby.
I am going absolutely insane. I talk to his mother everyday on the phone. His family his disgusted and disappointed. I know if I answer that phone he may want to tell me what I want to hear. I told him I don’t want to be friends, I don’t want to be civil. I have been through so much. When I found out I was pregnant he said that it wasn’t a good time to have a baby. He didn’t think I should have it. I am 36, and he’s turning 40. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing by having this baby. I am so sad by what he’s doing.
he works in a different city which is 10 mins from where she lives. They always did their cheating during work. Than he would come home to me and act like nothing happened. This is the first time I haven’t answered his phone calls or texts. He is left on his own being with this girl he fought so hard to keep a secret.
What do I do? I filed for divorce and he knows it. I have 120 days to serve him. I’m just scared. Do I take him back? When should I start answering his calls? Should I let him see how it is living with her and live that life for a while?
His weekends were Tuesday and Wednesdays.So when she was at work, he would text me that he wanted to come home and make it work. I would believe him. He wouldn’t talk to her until he went back to work on a Thursday. And the cycle continues. Only this time he didn’t come home Tuesday or Wednesday because when she was questioning me about the texts and emails he was sending me, I told her “I hope he finally stays on Tuesday and Wednesday; not leaving while you’re at work”. So I am assuming he has something to prove to her. Meanwhile he has been calling any chance he gets away. This is the first time in 15 months he has stayed over a week straight with no breaks.
My family is 5 hours away. I have nobody.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You have your unborn baby but you are right you don't have him. It's tough because you feel alone & scared because you are pregnant & change can be terrifying. 

Call a lawyer. Learn your rights. Get therapy because you can't keep taking this cheating louse back. For pete's sake he changed his phone # 4x. That is crazy. You need to improve your self esteem. Call your family & make arrangements to move back by them to rebuild your life. You no longer have a life here with him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you know what to do and that is what you are doing now. No contact. Get that divorce done and move to be near your family.
He sounds just awful.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My sympathies. Some guys are just plain pricks. Yes, have that baby! And, keep the unremorseful father away. You don't want your child to suffer a father who thinks playing hide & seek is a legitimate lifestyle. 

Stop letting him come home! Gads, lady, you're enabling his childish behavior. Any contact needs to go through your attorney.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I think in a case like this it's time to cut off all contact, divorce, and move on. I would say go for child support, but good luck collecting it from a person like this. I would suggest trying to get him to sign away his parental rights. Then move away, change your number, and block him online.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

JessyH said:


> I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago, and that doesn’t stop him


Were you trying to get pregnant?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

The question is why on earth would you want to take him back??

You've seen time and time and time again how this plays out but you keep going back to him because you think you love him and that he loves you. 

What the two of you have is not love. It's called toxicity. 

You know what to do. Fear is keeping you from following through and having him served. 

You want this nightmare to end? Serve him and follow through with the divorce and stay NO contact. If not you are choosing to stay in this nightmare. Question then becomes why??

That's a you issue.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Once a cheater, always a cheater. You deserve better.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

15 times??? Haven't you heard of that saying where you can't keep doing the same thing expecting different results? You'll only cause yourself more heartache and waste more time on a guy who clearly wants to have his cake and eat it.

No contact, no contact, no contact. Stay the course.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Spoons027 said:


> 15 times??? Haven't you heard of that saying where you can't keep doing the same thing expecting different results? You'll only cause yourself more heartache and waste more time on a guy who clearly wants to have his cake and eat it.
> 
> No contact, no contact, no contact. Stay the course.


Yep...15 tines and then gets pregnant.

Not very smart. 
.
But I suppose at least you'll get a child out of it....they are great.

Take him back if you want, just don't whine about what he does. At this point you're not a victim.....you're a willing participant who, as chump lady would say, is still doing the pick me dance.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you here?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

First off, I'm sorry that you are suffering. I'm sure the pain is intense. Did you take him back before because you thought it would stop the pain? Obviously that didn't work. Think about that. Your husband is utterly self-absorbed. He cares nothing about you or the baby. He is a nut case cheater. You don't need this. Fighting for him is not the answer. Let her have him. Who cares what kind of life he'll live with her. Let him pay the price.

You say you have a beautiful home. Are you working? Can you afford to keep the house?

Is his mother trying to help you figure out how to get him back? If so, it's better to stop talking to her. This marriage is over.

So, he's changed his number for times. It's your turn. I recommend that you change your number. Don't give it to anyone that knows him, not even his mother, especially not his mother. She can message you on Facebook or something, where you can block him.

Of course, you should have the baby. S/he is already alive and counting on you to protect her. Also, this very well may be your last chance to have a child. Be happy that you will be a mother and plan on how you are going to deal with being a single mother. Does your mil have a job? She might be a good resource for help, so it would be good if you can keep a positive relationship with her. Grandparents can be a pain in the neck or they can be a blessing from heaven. Hopefully you have the latter for your child.

If you abort your baby, you will never forgive yourself and you will probably never have another baby. Sorry to be so blunt, but I want to be clear.

You have come to the right place. People here will support you through all of this, including the birth of your baby and beyond. You can and you will get through this. You are going to be okay without him. Actually, you'll be much better without all the stress and pain that he is causing you.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s crazy and you need to do right by the baby and give it a good life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

File for divorce.

Sell the home.

Then go home where you have family to help you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

JessyH said:


> I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and married for 6. I found out he has been having an affair 15 months ago with his dead brothers ex girlfriend. 15x he said he would cut it off, 15 months I have heard it was done. He hasn’t spent more then 2 weeks at home with me, and he goes to her place. I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago, and that doesn’t stop him. Apparently he told her that he wishes it was her that was pregnant. We own a home together, having our first baby.. and the chaos continues. I always take him back when he wants to come home.


Mistake #1. STOP taking him back. This is just supporting him cheating. Make him actually understand that he has broken your marriage and you really don't want/need him.



> He changed his number 4x already. Just recently 9 days ago, he ended up leaving. I decided no contact. He started calling me almost everyday. Begging me to answer and sending me love songs and an old picture of us. Later in the evening Monday, he was asking for his email password. I found it weird as that’s where he’s been communicating with me. I mentioned something about the songs and writing me from it. His affair partner texts me and questions me about what he’s been sending me because from her understanding he hasn’t spoken to me since he left.


DO NOT bother talking with his AP -- for ANY REASON. She has NO right to talk to you, ask about him, or your relationship. She is a POS since she KNOWS that you are married and are going to have a kid. VERY low morals person.
As for him, do the 180. Only talk to him for ESSENTIAL things, nothing else. It's about time he learns what not having you for his wife and support is really all about...



> ... This is the first time I haven’t answered his phone calls or texts.


Keep doing that -- don't bother answering anything he asks.
Oh yeah, GET TO A LAWYER ASAP. Protect your finances (so that he can't grab all the money in your bank accounts, credit cards, etc. ASAP.



> What do I do? I filed for divorce and he knows it. I have 120 days to serve him. I’m just scared. Do I take him back?
> When should I start answering his calls? Should I let him see how it is living with her and live that life for a while?


GREAT that you filed for divorce -- serve him asap. Don't take him back -- he is just trying to have you as his plan B, "just in case" the AP doesn't work out. I would just contact him via email or text that ALL communications go through your lawyer.



> My family is 5 hours away. I have nobody.


You DO have family -- pick up the phone and talk with them to get support for yourself.
DO NOT talk with his POSOW -- no need. You need to work on YOU and your future life without him .

I am very sorry you are going through this.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

You are doing the right thing. No contact is the way to go in this situation and you should have NO contact with the other woman. Block her immediately. Not sure who told you he said he wishes the other woman was pregnant, but my guess it was her. Block, block block. Don't look back. Realistically, is there ANY way you could ever trust this man?? NO, there is not. Not if he tells you all the sweet things, not if he changes his phone, not if he promises....nothing will restore this relationship. Sorry to be so blunt, but he is a liar and a manipulator, and as soon as you draw a line he comes running. Make it so you don't have to listen to his pleading or whatever else he wants to tell you. He has a home with the other woman. Let him go there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@JessyH he has played you and her for fools.

We are here for you. Have courage.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> My sympathies. Some guys are just plain pricks. Yes, have that baby! And, keep the unremorseful father away. You don't want your child to suffer a father who thinks playing hide & seek is a legitimate lifestyle.
> 
> Stop letting him come home! Gads, lady, you're enabling his childish behavior. Any contact needs to go through your attorney.


There is no way to keep the father away. He will be in her life for the next 18 years +, forever really.. To suggest that is naive. Meant to be supportive, but not feesible. The reality is, if she doesn't want to lose any percent of custody, than she has to stay married. If she can accept losing some custody, than she can divorce. In addition, they own a house which most likely can't be sold without him signing off on it. So it is a difficult place to be both emotionally and logically. She alone can't meet his needs, because no one person can meet the needs of a cheater. They cheat because they need to triangulate and you can triangulate with a party of three (same effect with more than three). A spouse or partner who is cheating and doesn't stop and passively aggressively manipulates their spouse/partner into sticking around, does so because their needs require the dynamic of cheating. They are Attention Whores. The medical term is Malignant Narcissist. And they can't stop. But, they also need your attention on them. And that is why cutting them off brings them back. Their cheating lacks the power play once you don't care.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Mistake #1. STOP taking him back. This is just supporting him cheating. Make him actually understand that he has broken your marriage and you really don't want/need him.
> 
> 
> DO NOT bother talking with his AP -- for ANY REASON. She has NO right to talk to you, ask about him, or your relationship. She is a POS since she KNOWS that you are married and are going to have a kid. VERY low morals person.
> ...


Engaging with the AP gives the affair power; gives his play power. She is a chess piece in the game of a cheater. Ignore her and you take away his game.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Ignore her directly and indirectly. As in when he is gone, act like he went on an overnight to the grocery store. As in she doesn't exist. Because there are more where she came from, so her value drops, supply and demand, excess supply causes prices to fall. As in she has very little value and is a poor investment. But still change the locks. So he will have to use some cognition to come to the realization that he just dumbed himself down.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

member2012 said:


> Ignore her directly and indirectly. As in when he is gone, act like he went on an overnight to the grocery store. As in she doesn't exist. Because there are more where she came from, so her value drops, supply and demand, excess supply causes prices to fall. As in she has very little value and is a poor investment. *But still change the locks.* So he will have to use some cognition to come to the realization that he just dumbed himself down.


She would need to check with her attorney on the legality of that move.

Not being a psychologist, I can't diagnose the husband; but, any guy who would prefer an abortion over pending fatherhood is not champing at the bit to be a daddy. Shouldn't be too hard to keep him away as much as possible.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

JessyH said:


> I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and married for 6. I found out he has been having an affair 15 months ago with his dead brothers ex girlfriend. 15x he said he would cut it off, 15 months I have heard it was done. He hasn’t spent more then 2 weeks at home with me, and he goes to her place. I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago, and that doesn’t stop him. Apparently he told her that he wishes it was her that was pregnant. We own a home together, having our first baby.. and the chaos continues. I always take him back when he wants to come home. He changed his number 4x already. Just recently 9 days ago, he ended up leaving. I decided no contact. He started calling me almost everyday. Begging me to answer and sending me love songs and an old picture of us. Later in the evening Monday, he was asking for his email password. I found it weird as that’s where he’s been communicating with me. I mentioned something about the songs and writing me from it. His affair partner texts me and questions me about what he’s been sending me because from her understanding he hasn’t spoken to me since he left.
> after that I haven’t spoken to him since Tuesday. I took him back 15x and have been abandoned 15x. I made him take all of his things. She lives in a run down subsidized social housing building. She has a 10 year old daughter. We own a beautiful home and expecting our first baby.
> I am going absolutely insane. I talk to his mother everyday on the phone. His family his disgusted and disappointed. I know if I answer that phone he may want to tell me what I want to hear. I told him I don’t want to be friends, I don’t want to be civil. I have been through so much. When I found out I was pregnant he said that it wasn’t a good time to have a baby. He didn’t think I should have it. I am 36, and he’s turning 40. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing by having this baby. I am so sad by what he’s doing.
> he works in a different city which is 10 mins from where she lives. They always did their cheating during work. Than he would come home to me and act like nothing happened. This is the first time I haven’t answered his phone calls or texts. He is left on his own being with this girl he fought so hard to keep a secret.
> ...


Under no circumstances take him back, proceed with divorce. He has destroyed you and treated you like you were an option. You do not need him.
I hope you have not been sleeping with him? Get STD tested.
Ask your close friends and family to support you through the pregnancy.
Ask the lawyer what your options are, do you have your own finances, do you work?
Change the locks on the house (if legal) or see if there is some way you can stop him from contacting you. For your own mental health (remember for the baby's health too) you need to be fully no contact with this man.
Block OW's number, email etc. Why are you even communicating with here. Let her have him, he is not worth much anyway, sounds like they suit each other.


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