# Getting away from it all



## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

I've been reading online that getting over anger and reconnecting is step one.

Has anyone ever tried just taking a trip together? Is that just ridiculous wishful thinking on my part? My husband is doing a lot of travelling right now to clear his head.

I know that everyone told us we travel too much. But travelling to us is a way to ground ourselves. We live very far from a lot of our friends and family. To be honest, I don't think either of us consider our current city as a home. I think travelling together could help us reconnect...?

Could it helpful, or does this fall under avoidance?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If its together it might help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Anything that will bring you together and keep you together every hour of every day is a positive thing. Go for it. 

Will it make you fall in love with him again? Dunno.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Everyone is different. I understand what you mean by it grounding you...if you travel TOGETHER and spend every moment TOGETHER bonding I see that as good?? My opinion....oh wait-crap I avoid...I don't know. Sorry, but wouldn't think re-creating a new memory of being together as bad? Are both of you working on Recovery?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My wife and I took a trip in our early days of R. But not to visit family, it was strictly a trip for us. It was a nice time and gave us a chance to catch back up but had little impact on the course of recovery. That came through an arduous journey that took a lot of time. I still look back on it with fondness and have always been glad we took the trip.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think it's a good idea - like Amplexor though as long as it's just for the two of you. It's an opportunity to reconnect. It certainly won't be a panacea for all that you need to work on in your marriage but it can be a good place to start together.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

we went on a week-long ski trip - which worked out very well. Discussions of the A were limited to chair-lift time, which gave us both a built in commitment (you can't storm off, can you?) and a built in end-point.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

Thanks! That is encouraging to read.

I think I am jumping the gun a little bit, but we are starting to "chat" over text versus strictly logistical talk. We've been talking about a beach vacation together for the past 6 months, but just couldn't get our schedules to match...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How did things go when he came home yesterday? You never got back to us on that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I recommend were ever you go you drive. In our case we drove 5 hours to Vegas the radio wasn't on once, we just talked. It was the quickest trip ever, and let me tell you I've made this trip in 4 hours once, but that doesn't compare how the time flew by as we figured each other out after 13 years of her adultory. The stories she had were to say the least an eye opener.

This trip happened a month after d-day.

So go take the trip, but drive!


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

I was a corporate pilot myself twenty years ago and flew all over the world (I was grounded for health reasons and then I became a lawyer). Due to my job I stayed in every destination from two to ten days as a minimum, several times a year. I was always on call ready to depart. As I was young then marriage was out of my mind. But I had a g/f. You know what? I had a very decent job, stayed always in expensive and luxury hotels and I was always between beautiful women most of the time. But I was committed to my relation. I never thought to cheat on her. Never. I was in love with her and it was unimaginable to me to do that to her. If you truly love someone nothing can change it. Even if you travel 365/12/24, If you don’t understand and cannot feel or imagine the pain you are going to give to your spouse nothing, nothing can really prevent you for making bad and harmful selections. You may travel for a year with your H or for a couple of days. But sometime you have return. The holidays will end and you have to be back faced with all the bills you have to pay. And you will be faced again with your decisions and your choices for the future. The remedy you are looking for is with you only and the power to control yourself and your true feelings rests also with you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Leslie, my DDay was May 4th, 2011. We had already planned a 4 day getaway to NYC in late June. 

DDay 2 was May 29th, just 3-4 weeks prior to our trip. At that point I was thinking I was heading there alone. But in those three weeks, we made a lot of progress, and we kept talking about looking forward to that trip to reconnect and heal.

And it was a phenomenal trip - one we still look back on with only fondness.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

My wife and I did a roadtrip for a month last summer in an RV. I found out a lot about her. Might be revealing, but be prepared to deal w/ the possible flare-up of anger, which could occur w/ forced proximity. Be prepared to say "time out" and get some space.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

We had counseling yesterday. We are still not under the same roof. Counseling went not-so-good. The MC was too sympathetic with me and was trying to push for resolution in our first session. I think my H was looking for a space to vent and instead he was getting lectured about balancing intellectual thinking and emotions. I found the MC's line of reasoning was actually pretty sound, but I really did not like him pushing it onto my H. MC even interrupted H at times. 

Turns out, that MC was left by wife 6 years ago. He wanted to R and she didn't. So I definitely think that makes him more sympathetic to WS that want to R...I really do appreciate his support, it was just very ill-timed.

Wrote my H an email apologizing for the weirdness of the session and asked him what he wanted me to do. He is still OK with looking into an MC, just a different one. 

Since the session we have been chatting more. H is more responsive to my emails and I am learning to chat over text ( never used text for chit-chat in the past, why not just call a person?).

I feel that I definitely benefited from the session, not because of MC, but because I finally got to see in person the aftermath of what I had done. I felt terrible and I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even talk to him. It is truly mind-boggling that I could have been so hurtful and damaging to the one person that I love more than anything. I feel like there is nothing I can say to him that would sound convincing or remorseful enough. Saying "I'm sorry" and " I love you" don't seem to be adequate at all. But more importantly, my husband said that he still loves me. I still get choked up writing this because I have never felt so undeserving before. 

I'm also very angry at myself for not thinking of him always. I know that every decision he's made has been with me in mind and clearly I did not reciprocate this. It kills me to read about all the WS that will continually cheat and not even want to return to their BS. I would give anything to have that opportunity, to be accepted back, or at least to try to earn acceptance. 

I am hoping we will meet Sunday after my H gets back from his trip (his best friends and confidants are not local). We are going to talk w/o a MC first to try and see where things stand. So my question about the trip is for now me being very optimistic. But I really think it would help us.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

LeslieH said:


> Saying "I'm sorry" and " I love you" don't seem to be adequate at all.


Say them anyway - over and over and over.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> Seeing him right after he gets back from his trip with the guy friends/confidants may not be a good thing.
> 
> I'm sure they are telling him your a complete B&tch, etc.
> 
> ...


I will definitely keep this in mind.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, if you're going to work on R with your husband, then I strongly recommend that you find a therapist that specializes in infidelity. I wouldn't travel JUST yet. I think more dust needs to settle before that. I mean, there's a good chance that your husband is triggering at anything. Seeing a pamper's commerical and he triggers. The last thing you need is for him to trigger and he leaves you stranded in the middle of Idaho.

If you get to the point where things are getting better, don't be surprised that you two are going to have A LOT of sex. And you might think that things are looking up. This is just a normal response and it will probably die off. This is called hysterical bonding. It's sorta a subconsious primal animalistic response to re-claim what he believes is his. This is completely normal. However, it is what it is and don't look at it as a sign of his forgiveness.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah, I would probably take interaction in small doses at first. See if you can start with some walks together. Being unable to withdraw to neutral corners, may leave no other option then to leave wherever you are separately. Small doses at first. Sex if you want, which will take care of each others physical needs, and reduce any likely hood (not completely) of a revenge affair. No alcohol for either of you, if possible. Texting is a poor substitute for a heart felt letter. In a letter you can convey the whole thought without interruption or any back and forth. It also allows you to eliminate facial and voice inflection, which adds a level of emotion or worry that may keep you from barring all you want to say. Texts are for making appointments and limited contact. Letters are better. Just my opinion.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Well, if you're going to work on R with your husband, then I strongly recommend that you find a therapist that specializes in infidelity. I wouldn't travel JUST yet. I think more dust needs to settle before that. I mean, there's a good chance that your husband is triggering at anything. Seeing a pamper's commerical and he triggers. The last thing you need is for him to trigger and he leaves you stranded in the middle of Idaho.
> 
> If you get to the point where things are getting better, don't be surprised that you two are going to have A LOT of sex. And you might think that things are looking up. This is just a normal response and it will probably die off. This is called hysterical bonding. It's sorta a subconsious primal animalistic response to re-claim what he believes is his. This is completely normal. However, it is what it is and don't look at it as a sign of his forgiveness.


Hysterical bonding is very real and powerful. My wife and I are typically about 1x/week and we had a stretch of 8 straight nights, maybe 11 out of 12 nights during our hysterical bonding period. It was powerful. My feeling on it is that it is the both of you, desperately trying to hang onto each other for dear life, at the same time.

Leslie, I just read your initial story. Keep us posted. You have a long way to go. You will be lucky to get to this bonding period - but it does fade, and then you have to move forward.

Your H was been burned by others before - and now even his W couldn't stay faithful to him. It's tragic. If you have any hope of R, you will have to be humble to the Nth degree, and the next time you travel, he is going to be a complete basket case. Trust me. 

My wife went on a trip 3 weeks after our DDay. I was pretty much in a constant state of hyperventilation - it was almost dangerous. And she didn't even have sex with her AP, and it wasn't on a trip. Buckle up for what is to come.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Leslie,

I am glad you both went to MC. I know it killed you to look at him and see what you have done.

Please text him these words so he knows how you feel:



> I feel that I definitely benefited from the session, not because of MC, but because I finally got to see in person the aftermath of what I had done. I felt terrible and I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even talk to him. It is truly mind-boggling that I could have been so hurtful and damaging to the one person that I love more than anything. I feel like there is nothing I can say to him that would sound convincing or remorseful enough. Saying "I'm sorry" and " I love you" don't seem to be adequate at all. But more importantly, my husband said that he still loves me. I still get choked up writing this because I have never felt so undeserving before.
> 
> I'm also very angry at myself for not thinking of him always. I know that every decision he's made has been with me in mind and clearly I did not reciprocate this. It kills me to read about all the WS that will continually cheat and not even want to return to their BS. I would give anything to have that opportunity, to be accepted back, or at least to try to earn acceptance.


I think you summed it up very clearly how you feel. Clean it up a little so it does not mention what or where you have been reading about other WS's stories.

Let him know.....

HM64


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

I already sent him an email. He is flying out tomorrow. I was thinking about leaving him a letter and some beef jerky on the doorstep...stalking or OK?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

what? Is this a joke or something?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Personally I think a little stalking would be good. If I were in his shoes I would need my ego built back up in a big way. The post about him seeing a XXX porno in his head of all the things he imagines you did with the other man is exactly how I would be thinking. God help you if you did anything with the other man that you refuse to do with your husband. But I know, for me, if there was anything sexual that my wife refused me, that she did with the OM, it would be a deal breaker. So, anyway, pursuing him as much as possible I think would be a good thing. As would saying all the things you mentioned earlier that seem so inadequate. You know what's less adequate? Not saying those things.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> what? Is this a joke or something?


I dunno. Beef jerky has "I Love You" written all over it. I'd love a chick to give me that.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I would do it. 

You are still giving him his space and letting him know you are thinking of him.

Go for it!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

If its something special that he likes it might send a good message that you're thinking of him.


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