# Feeling threatened...by other women ...



## MRi

Before I was married I was the MOST confident woman. I wasn't threatened by other women, and I Knew what I was blessed with.

I know that this sounds conceited but hear me out please.

Now that I'm married, I don't have that same spark about me. I'm worried about my looks, weight, and if my husband still sees me the way that he did before we were married.

I feel threated by other women, and I don't like this feeling at all. 

What should I do about getting my self confidence back?

This is so petty, but I catch myself sometimes flashing my ring when where are other women in the room! ( Like that is going to stop them?!)


I know I'm being ridiculous - please give me your input!


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## Holding Pattern

I've read both your posts in succession (completely by accident) and I see a common thread.

You feel alone in a new place and it is taking a toll on your self esteem.

Find a job, a social group that meets once a week, take a class...something to get you out and meeting new people.

It sounds from your other post as if your DH is a little self absorbed - and that will affect your feelings about yourself because you don't get the attention you used to, for whatever reason.


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## BigBadWolf

MRi said:


> Before I was married I was the MOST confident woman. I wasn't threatened by other women, and I Knew what I was blessed with.
> 
> I know that this sounds conceited but hear me out please.
> 
> Now that I'm married, I don't have that same spark about me. I'm worried about my looks, weight, and if my husband still sees me the way that he did before we were married.
> 
> I feel threated by other women, and I don't like this feeling at all.
> 
> What should I do about getting my self confidence back?
> 
> This is so petty, but I catch myself sometimes flashing my ring when where are other women in the room! ( Like that is going to stop them?!)
> 
> 
> I know I'm being ridiculous - please give me your input!


I have not read your other posts, but I do not need to.

Here are the facts:

A woman is insecure when she is not feeling desired by her husband.

This is nothing to belittle a woman, it is feminine nature and is useful to bring the good man and woman in a relationship into healthy balance. 

When this is out of balance, the woman will feel insecure. 

If balance is still not maintained, the woman's insecurity will fuel resentment to her man.

The solution is to get him to communicate, not in words, but in action, his desire to you.

The solution is NOT to fill this issue with distractions, like a hobby or something else. 

There is no problem with "you", this is simply a relationship issue and can be fixed. And it is better to adress this relationship issue before it spirals out of control.

Here are some suggestions:

A man is attracted to the visual, so make sure the things you do and wear attract his attention. Also, and this is important, the man is good to notice little details even if he is not always mentioning this or that, so these visual things you do are to be SUBTLE, never over the top. Think of the things he has so much as told you about or reacted to strongly, a man will have specific "turn ons", so use these. If you do not know them, at some intimate time when you two are alone steer the conversation to this area, and listen to what he says. 

Also, and maybe more important in this issue, there is the man's center of self, or what is sometime's called his "ego". This is what he invisions his ideal as, what he thinks of as his goal as a human, and is what motivates his character, behavior, passion, and interests.

Know at the core of this center of self, in every man, is the desire to be, to someone he cares about, that he is their "hero".

To the person that he is their "hero", there is no competition from anyone else. 

Look for these opportunities to let him be your "hero", even in the big things or the little things. This will bring his focus and connection back to you and away from the other distractions that he may be looking to find this connection with. 

I wish you well.


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## MRi

Big Bad Wolf- You have given me some great advise. I whole heartedly believe that our relationship is not balanced and that is why I'm lacking in the self confidence area. As I come to think about it, when I had self confidence - things with here were a lot different .. thank you so much for you input, I will try all that you have said!

Holding Patter - When you said that my H is self absorbed, you couldn't have been more right with that. I also will take your advise with doing things on me own, and joining something to get out of the house and meet new ppl. I do think that this has something to do with it, bc, in his eyes ( I suppose ) if i'm not out doing something with someone else he has no time to miss me, and he knows that I'm all his and I have nowhere to go and nobody else ... so there is no mystery about me ... Thanks for your input as well!


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## DawnD

I am gonna go with the easy answer here. Get some dirty lingerie, hooker red nail polish and lip stick and have your way with him. Taking his breath away will help you get that confidence back!!


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## Blanca

MRi said:


> What should I do about getting my self confidence back?


I can really relate to you. my confidence took a plunge! i am not the same person i was prior to meeting my H. Prior to my H I dated a lot, and got a lot of positive feedback to boost my esteem. my H, on the other hand, does not boost my esteem. he brings it down. its been dark days for my self-esteem the last few years.

so, i feel for you. i compare myself to other girls constantly now. i walk around constantly thinking, 'i bet my H would rather be with her.' 

im in the process of trying to shut off those automatic thoughts. its really hard.... im drumming my fingers on the keypad trying to think of what im doing to stop those thoughts....keeping my mind busy is the first thing that comes to mind. im enrolled in school and that helps. im starting to make some friends which helps. 

when i left my home to be with my H, i left my source of pride. i left my job. i had a good job that i felt really good about myself. ive had a few jobs since but have not found that again. I think when you have something that you feel good about, doing something that you know contributes positively to your environment and really helps people, your esteem radiates. I guess in a way i feel my esteem is suffering, not b/c of my H (although that didnt help), but because i dont contribute in a way that helps me feel good about myself. i think that's what i have to find. As i find that i think the thoughts about other girls will fade to triviality. 

It also helps that i dont give a [email protected]@ if my H wants me anymore. but, thats sort of a pseudo-pride to help me breach all these years off ridiculousness.


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## okeydokie

DawnD said:


> I am gonna go with the easy answer here. Get some dirty lingerie, hooker red nail polish and lip stick and have your way with him. Taking his breath away will help you get that confidence back!!


and ya know what, it can be that simple, that would definately drive me up the wall and want more and more from my wife.

dont complicate this so much, men like confident women, take charge onetime and see what happens


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## Mal74

I think we all hit lulls in our relationships, and marriage is hard because the road rolls out forever, so to speak. So we sometimes feel trapped in a relationship that doesn't meet up with our ideals. But the truth is that we're always the authors of our own stories, so if the relationship isn't meeting our expectations, it's foolish to blame our spouses. When we do, we end up in these terribly vicious cycles where blame begets resentment, which begets more blame, more resentment, and so on. 

If you want to build self-confidence, I think you have to start by recognizing that you are the source of your own confidence. Your husband is a hugely important part of your life and obviously a huge impact on your experience, but you are always the person who decides how you respond to any input. So if you start there, then you can say, "well, I want to feel more attractive," and you can take the steps to do that.

Getting involved in a new community is the hardest thing but it does help. Breaking the cycle of blame and resentment is maybe also the hardest thing but it's critically important. Part of breaking that cycle is recognizing that even though you're bonded to a partner forever in marriage, you're still your own person, and you have to contribute to the relationship by being the vibrant, interesting person who started in it.


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