# Working it out or walking away?



## bandofgold (Oct 12, 2010)

Hello, 

I am new to this forum and would really appreciate some advice. I suppose I just need to air it out and get some other points of view. I don't know where else to turn, I feel too embarassed to speak with my family and friends but don't feel I can handle things on my own right now. I just feel so alone.

Apologies if my post is long, but I want to give you some background information so that you understand my situation better. I will try and keep it brief. 

My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for less than 6 months. We bought our home 3 years ago, and have been living together since. We don't have any children. Our relationship has, on the whole, been good until things took a downward turn. 

Less than a month after we moved in together for the first time (we were not married at the time), I accidentally (and I mean accidentally as I was not snooping) came across some porongraphic material (a graphic picture of a woman and my husband - although not together) on my husband's computer. I was naturally devestated and had no idea this was going on. It's not that I disapproved, in principal, with what I found (porn) (although I did'nt really like it - it actually made me feel sick to the stomach) but rather that my husband had lied to me. I confronted him upon my discovery, and although he initially denied it, he later admitted to it and assured me that he had never had cyber sex and it was a one off blah blah blah. He assured me that he had told me everything, and now that it was all out in the open, we were stronger and could recover from the deceit. 

I was devasted but I didnt want to throw away our relationship, especially since we had just bought a home together. I told my husband that I was willing to give it another chance and suggested counselling. He agreed and we had couple counselling for about 3 months. My husband proposed to me shortly after we stopped our counselling, and I said yes. Things had improved in our relationship, although I still had my doubts and my trust in him had broken. 

A year or so before the wedding, my husband went away for the weekend and I thought this would be a good opportunity to check his computer, to see if he was hiding anything from me. I felt awful for being so devious, but I felt I had the right to check. I spent the night doing checks on his computer, I practically hacked into his email and discovered multiple email accounts, which revealed lots of information. What I found was heartbreaking. Basically, my husband had been 'at it' for 6 years. He was a member of various sites including cyber sites etc. I found videos of him masturbating to a photo of another woman, chat histories as well as graphic pictures of other women. It was all very sickening. I had it out with my husband and I told him that I didn't want to be with him any more, as he betrayed my trust in him for the last time. My husband persuaded me to stay, that he didnt want me to give up on us and that he was a changed person. He accepted that what he had done was wrong, and that he should not have lied to me. 

Even though I knew that what he had done was wrong, I felt cornered. I/we were tied into a mortgage, and we had made downpayments on our wedding so I didn't feel I could back down. I know that was my mistake and I should have trusted my instinct. 

5 months down the line, I discover that my husband has been using cocaine recreationally. Again, I was stunned to learn this. Don't get me wrong, I don't think my husband has a problem with addiction, but again, how is it possible that I know so little about the man that I am sharing my life with? We had a big argument, and again I threatened to leave. I was persuaded to stay, and with our imminent wedding, I didn't have the heart to let my family and his family down. I decided to stay and told him that this was his very last chance. 

We got married as planned, and I meant every word of my vows. We had a lovely honeymoon and I was hopeful that he had changed. 

On Saturday I got an alert on my facebook page saying that he was now friends with some new people on facebook. One name stood out, I recognised this woman as she was one of his favourite cyber buddies. My heart started to race again, and I knew this was the start of more trouble. I accessed his facebook account and read that he had sent her a message saying how he had not seen her in a long time (he initiated contact), hoped she and her family were well, asking if she was still active on the cyber site etc. He spoke about getting married, how happy he was and very much in love with me, his new wife. He told her that she could add him on facebook if she wanted. Nothing in his message, context wise, was inappropriate or sexual. Her response was pleasant, she congratulated us on our recent marriage and that was pretty much it. She of course added him. 

I told my husband that I saw he had added new friends and asked him who these people were. He initially told me that they were all work contacts. I then asked specifically about this person. He told me that she was an "old point of contact" and I pressed him for more information. He eventually told me who this woman was. I asked him the question of who had made the initial contact. He hesitated, and then said she had. I asked him 2 more times and he continued to lie. At which point I called him a f'ing liar and he walked off. 12 hrs later he confessed all via text message. He said that he initiated contact because he was "curious" and wanted to catch up with some old friends. I quickly reminded him that this woman was never his friend, and the only thing they have in common is sex! 

We haven't really spoken since Saturday, yesterday was the first time we spoke in days. Basically he told me that he was very sorry that he made a bad judgement call and shouldnt have invited one of his cyber buddies into our marriage. Although he accepts he did the wrong thing in terms of lying to me, he says he didnt mean to do anything wrong and that his intentions were not bad. Really?

In a nutshell I told him that I want a divorce and that I don't want anything more to do with him. We have been sleeping in separate rooms since Saturday and we are living separate lives at the moment. He threw in my face that we made a vow in the presence of our friends and family and that I can't give up on us for something as trivial as him adding someone who doesnt mean anything to him on facebook. That's the bloody point! Why jeopardise a marriage for something that he doesnt even care about. 

I am distraught, my whole world is crumbling around me and I don't know what to do. My head is telling me that I deserve better than this, and that if he hasnt changed by now, with all the chances he has been given, he will never change. My heart is saying that I should forgive him and try and work it out. I havent even been married for 6 months, and yes, I did take vows and I shouldn't just run when things arent going well (he took the same vows so yes, he shouldnt have done this to me). I am trying to keep it together, I have a responsible job and I just cant fall apart. But when I come home, I break down and just don't know who to turn to. My sleeping and eating is all over the place and I feel constantly sick. The strange thing though, is that despite feeling so awful I also feel a sense of calm, it's almost like I have accepted the situation and know myself what I need to do. I also know that I can't blame my husband entirely. I entered into this marriage freely, albeit with doubts, I said yes of my own accord. Now I just think that seeing that I have made my bed I need to lay in it until I figure out what to do. 

I would really appreciate your views, advice and opinions. Thank you for reading through to the end.


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## bandofgold (Oct 12, 2010)

Anyone, please


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## misspuppy (Sep 19, 2010)

WOW that is alot to take in all at once, but i will try to sort it out for you.

first off, you knew each other for 14 yrs, why did you get married? Was it for the "status" thing ( like benefits/housing/credit?) or was it because of something else? im not sure where you live, but after 7 yrs of living together ( if that is what you did), then you are common law married, and are seen as being married already. 

Secondly, about the whole snooping thing and coming on to the info "by accident" i do not buy that one bit.. you wanted to know what he was doing and went to extremes to find out ( IE practically hacking into his accounts?) people do not do this by accident, they *know* what they are doing.. so, i dont buy that. As for the whole website things.. the WWW is all about fantasy, you can be or say whoever you want too. when it comes to porn/cyber sites, it is similar to porn movies, just with everyday people. It sounds like you are not into this kind of thing, which is fine, but, why make him feel like crap for liking something like this? Has he ever given you a reason to think he is cheating on you? What is wrong with a man who "gets his rocks off " with cyber or porn? It can be very healthy and normal for a man ( or woman) to watch porn or live a fantasy life while still maintaining a relationship with the one he loves.

*I told my husband that I saw he had added new friends and asked him who these people were. He initially told me that they were all work contacts. I then asked specifically about this person. He told me that she was an "old point of contact" and I pressed him for more information. He eventually told me who this woman was. I asked him the question of who had made the initial contact. He hesitated, and then said she had. I asked him 2 more times and he continued to lie. At which point I called him a f'ing liar and he walked off. 12 hrs later he confessed all via text message. He said that he initiated contact because he was "curious" and wanted to catch up with some old friends. I quickly reminded him that this woman was never his friend, and the only thing they have in common is sex!*

Now i will address statement you made here above in bold, WOW is all i can say to this, you basically interrogated him , treating him like a criminal, like he committed some kind of murder or heinous crime.. you are also treating him like a child, really, please re read your statement and tell me that is not how you really have a conversation with him? you basically belittled him and made him feel like sh$T, that is not right.. he was looking at porn for crying out loud.. its not like you walked in on him banging the crap out of woman in bed? so, why treat him like this?


I have said this time and time again, marriage is a 2 way street, you can NOT have it your way ( its not Burger King), it is about respect, granted he may have disrespected you over porn or nude pics, but, come on, to treat him like you have was not right. i am not standing up for him and saying what he did was right, but, i am saying that you need to calm down and re think how you treat people.. 


What about getting involved with his porn? watching it with him? finding out what he likes about the "online woman" and try to play the part.

My hubby and i have been married for 8yrs and counting, and when it comes to sex and other things, i make damn sure that there is NO reason for him to go anywhere else to get some, i will do everything in my power to make him happy, and guess what IT WORKS!! Try to be more open minded about things with him, try to learn more, you stated that you dont know him well? after being with someone for 14 yrs why dont you know anything about him?


Marriage takes Time Love and Care to work (TLC) and by doing what you are doing, it sure is not helping the matter is it?


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

It sounds to me like he may be trying to control you. You really need to stand up for yourself. If you choose to divorce him, whoever keeps the house will have to refinance. Any divorce court or divorce mediation you go through will require that. I wouldn't worry about the house and the mortgage. You need to make a decision that is right for you.

I would have thought with counseling he would have learned that keeping secrets like that would seriously affect your relationship. I cannot tell you what to do. I chose to stay in my marriage and work it out. But, I only made the choice knowing it was possible. Has your husband actually had an affair with someone else or does he just have really bad judgment with porn and cybersex sites?

By the way, I'm not suggesting you should over look his bad judgement or secrets, etc. But, I am saying that you and your husband may have completely different opinions/desires about sex. And those differences may cause him to feel uncomfortable sharing them with you. Let me use my situation as an example. When my husband and I first got married, he simply could not initiate sex, he honestly still has a very hard time of it. But, he's working on it. In the beginning of our marriage, instead of him initiating sex with me, he would go watch porn and masturbate. I'm sure you can imagine how devastating that was to me as his wife. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me or why he wasn't attracted to me. It's taken us 7 years and an affair to figure out that we really had to work on that and we are now. We are working on the reasons why he couldn't/wouldn't approach me. It may not be much different with your husband. He may be a bit freaky in the bedroom and hasn't shared that with you. That doesn't mean you have to be freaky with him, but it may be something you two have to discuss.

I will say this, my husband's porn habits were annoying and upsetting. But, when he had an affair that was incredibly devastating. I cannot begin to describe the pain it caused me. So, I ask you, has he ever cheated on you?

Oh and I wouldn't feel bad about snooping. Be honest with yourself, you know you went looking and that is ok. I wish I had been more proactive about snooping in my husbands email sooner. Now everything in our relationship is fully open and shared and in a marriage that is the way it should be.


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## bandofgold (Oct 12, 2010)

misspuppy, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Whilst I don't agree entirely with your point of view, I take your comments on board. This is a public forum, and I accept the good with the bad. It's actually helpful to see my situation from a different perspective. I would however, like to clarify a few points.

My husband and I have not been living together for 7 years, only 3. I married him, as I said in my post, because I felt it was the right thing to do, but also because I love him and I wanted to believe in our future together. I didn't marry him to benefit financially or otherwise. I have a good job, and am independent, he is too.

Like I said in my post, the first time I came across the sexual material on his computer was by accident, the subsequent time was intentional. Although I know I invaded his privacy by looking, I think all things considered, my actions were a means to an end. 

I want to make it clear that I don't have an issue with porn, I am not standing in judgement. I have watched porn with my husband, but that's different. What my husband did went beyond what I considered to be reasonable boundaries. 

The issue here is whether you consider cyber-relationships as being fantasy or part of reality. Some people meet people in chat rooms and have one off chats etc, other people actually form relationships online, talk on the phone ane meet up in the flesh. As far as I am aware, my husband only had cyber relationships and never met these women in person.

Do you consider your partner having cyber sex as him/her being unfaithful? Well, your response to this question is likely to determine how you would feel in this situation. From my point of view, by having virtual sex and by keeping this from me, my husband was unfaithful to me, irrespective of his reasons doing/hiding it.

I have always treated my husband with love and respect, ok I am not saying I am perfect, but fundementally I always try to do right by him. I do not treat him like a child or belittle him in any way. He hurt me and I told him. 

I don't believe that I drove my husband to this, he made a choice, a bad one in my opinion, but nothing I would/could have done would have stopped him from looking elsewhere. I am not going to take this on as being something of my doing. If I did where would I draw the line? 

Yes, marriage is about time, love and care, but it's also about honesty, trust and respect.


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## bandofgold (Oct 12, 2010)

Thank you too Sandra for your comments,

Whilst I believe my husband's behaviour towards me has been unfair, I really don't think he is trying to control me. I do think he has been pushing his luck, and I don't think I have been strong enough to assert myself. I agree I do need to stand up for myself, and I think I am doing so now. 

No, as far as I am aware, my husband has never had a physical affair with anyone outside of our relationship. His infedility, as far as I am concerned has been carried out over the internet. 

I agree that my husband and I have different ideas or interests in that department, and this situation has borne from that. I would never stop my husband from watching porn, just in the same way I would never have wanted this to happen in secret. Why make it seedy? But I do accept that he did not feel comfortable telling me about his after hour activities, perhaps in fear that I would disapprove or because he knew fundementally what he was doing was wrong. Who knows? 

I am pleased to see that you and your husband have been able to work through your difficulties and you are now in a much happier place.


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