# Intimacy Etiquette



## father-of-3 (Apr 25, 2010)

I have bounced this off a few friends, male and female, over the years and have not reached a consensus answer. I have my personal bias but thought I would pose the question here.

Is it poor etiquette for a W to _routinely_ "forget" or opt not to have sex in the week preceeding her period?

This of course assumes she is not on birth control. Thoughts?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

A good friend of mine, to observe the etiquette of his wife's monthly period - she actually places a symbol on the calendar so he knows to not approach her and she is unavailable.

That way there is no rejection and this craziness that couples engage in of guessing and second guessing why. He just knows it's "no sex" time.

I guess this works because she is regular.

Now. . .I'd give anything to know what the symbol/code is.

MS = "menstrual syndrome"??

CB = "crazy b**ch"??

SA = "stay away"??

HO = "hands off"??

Now I wonder. . .


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## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

... you forgot PMS... Prime Murder Suspect.... this is for pre or post....


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Pre-period hormones effect every woman differently, and sometimes every month is different. Some women will feel more uncomfortable during that time than they do at their actual period. Of course having sex at that time will help alleviate the symptoms, but if you don't feel like it, you don't feel like it.

The same as some women will have sex during the periods and some won't. It's not a matter of etiquette, it's a matter of if you feel up to it or not. Now, men and women should push themselves to feeling up to it, but if you don't, you don't and I think it would be a lack of etiquette to expect otherwise.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Think back to each couple and the answer you were given. I believe you will see a standard pattern: In the marriages where the W is attracted to her H, and/or respects his needs and priorities she doesn't "forget". In those where he is viewed as the human ATM machine, she routinely forgets. 





father-of-3 said:


> I have bounced this off a few friends, male and female, over the years and have not reached a consensus answer. I have my personal bias but thought I would pose the question here.
> 
> Is it poor etiquette for a W to _routinely_ "forget" or opt not to have sex in the week preceeding her period?
> 
> This of course assumes she is not on birth control. Thoughts?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I would find it odd. I make sure he knows (although he keeps track himself of when my periods are due) that it's coming. I let him know a good week in advance that it's due in the next X days, so he's aware that if he wants any, he better get busy. I wouldn't care about having sex while on my period, but he doesn't like it, so we don't. Which is why I make sure he knows. But like I said, he also keeps track himself, so he knows anyway. I don't generally initiate (we've had issues with this in the past, he's got a pretty low drive, so I leave it to him to let me know when he wants it), but since I make him aware of when I'm due, he knows if he wants it, he needs to let me know. If he doesn't, then I don't feel guilty about it.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Good point Mem11363. It seems that this lady "forgets" at specific times though - a week before her period. Perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable telling her husband how unattractive she might be finding herself at that time. If she "forgot" all the time, then I would say she isn't being very respectful, but it seems as if the issue is how she personally handles PMS symptoms.

Truckersgirl, that's great communication to have with your husband! Many women aren't that open, although I would hope they would realize how much value that has and make attempts to be more communicative.


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## Okie (Jul 14, 2010)

We call it being on the DL (Disabled List). I can't imagine having a two week span every month where there was a guarantee of no sex. During this time does she ever help you out in other ways?


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## father-of-3 (Apr 25, 2010)

Okie -- the odd thing is that it is not just two weeks. You've got the couple days ramping up and ramping down, so at best chance you've got a week's worth of open window of opportunity. I say opportunity because that would be in a healthy marriage. Toss in holding grudges and other baggage and you may hit or miss a day or two in a month. Personally for me, it has been a miss more often than not -- makes one wonder how I have three children, eh. This makes for a very unrewarding life. Sex aside, toss in a lack of any courtship or just plain hanging out, and you have to ask yourself what the heck is the point? It's one-sided input all the way, and no feedback from my W.

As a guy, even if I invert three basic tenants of a marriage to favor a woman's line of thought, I still end up with nothing, zip, nada from the W.

#1 Talking & sharing ideas

#2 Sharing time together (i.e. distinguished from the daily time as a family)

#3 Being intimate


I'm just soooo tired of being miserable over "believing" that it is my responsibility to make my W happy irrespective of whether or not she has opted to completely checkout of our marriage. 

So either I am really really a rotten person inside (and the people close to me have been lying to me for years) and just too blind to see that, or I am just getting taken for a one heck of a ride to nowhere. I am going to get the answer to the first option by seeing a counselor / therapist and laying all the cards on the table. I want a professional's judgement and will pay $$$ to get it. It would seem either way that such a marriage is pointless. Why make such unhappiness the thing that will define me for the next 10-30 years? 

It's this whole notion of couples living in sexless marriages and turning a blind eye to it, all while having continued unchanged expectations of their spouse (male or female) that makes me want to puke. It is so hypocritcal and highlights the darkness in their inner soul.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I cinfess to not really understanding the 'no sex during period' thing. I had a grirlfriend who didn't want to be touched at all during her period .. buut only she had any issues with it.

My wife is happy to have sex during her period - just no oral on her then - and it does make a bit of a mess. But she manages to orgasm just fine.

I suppose it depends on the woman in question, and how she feels about it.

Perhaps she coud give a BJ? This does of couse assume that she wants to make you happy. Not a foregone conclusion.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

father-of-3 said:


> ...I'm just soooo tired of being miserable over "believing" that it is my responsibility to make my W happy irrespective of whether or not she has opted to completely checkout of our marriage.
> 
> So either I am really really a rotten person inside (and the people close to me have been lying to me for years) and just too blind to see that, or I am just getting taken for a one heck of a ride to nowhere. * I am going to get the answer to the first option by seeing a counselor / therapist and laying all the cards on the table. I want a professional's judgement and will pay $$$ to get it. *It would seem either way that such a marriage is pointless. Why make such unhappiness the thing that will define me for the next 10-30 years?


It is not your job to "make" your wife happy. That is a choice she makes herself. I have known people who are happy despite their circumstances...and others who literally are in the lap of luxury and miserable. Long story short, she could choose to see your good qualities, be thankful for what you do provide, and appreciate that she has a life partner. Every person has some advantages and some disadvantages so you can either concentrate on the good and train your thoughts toward "happiness" or concentrate on what's missing and train your thoughts on being unhappy. So as you can see, you can't do that for her!

Now that's not to say you can't contribute to an environment in which she's LIKELY to choose happiness or, out of love, defer to her preferences which may mean she's likely to choose happiness. But no doubt by now you've experienced "enough is never enough" in the sense that you defer to her preferences and now she wants MORE or now she picks on something ELSE that doesn't make her happy. So see what I mean? It's not YOU (it never was). 

I HIGHLY doubt you are a "really really a rotten person inside (and the people close to me have been lying to you for years)" and that is my professional opinion just by reading what you wrote here! So send your cash to MOI :lol: or save it for something fun.  :rofl:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sex during menstruation is not my favorite with my wife, we have done it a few times but i can do without during that time and so can she. i know by looking at the wrappers in the trash so i just stay away,


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Same here Okey. I can't stand the smell (reminds me of rusted pennies). The wife has no problem, but it's just not something I enjoy. Heck, even the feeling is wrong (to me).


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> sex during menstruation is not my favorite with my wife, we have done it a few times but i can do without during that time and so can she. i know by looking at the wrappers in the trash so i just stay away,


THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DO!! The minute i see those wrappers our sex life is a "wrap" LOL. But I feel blessed because my W period usually last only 3-4 days.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't remind my H about my cycle coming only because its pointless. I want sex about every 2-3 days, so I don't "forget" about it the week before or after. Not even really during. Sometimes there is shower sex when I am on it, sometimes its painful when I am on it. It varies, but he knows the timing about as well as I do.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I remind my h. I do not have sex the week before because I have constant cramps, bloated like mad, I am PMSing (ie. I am Hitler reincarnated) and for some reason, penetrative sex during that week is disgusting. The feeling inside is.... just wrong lol. I don't think he minds during that week - probably because having sex with Hitler is not an arousing thought to him..lol.


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## Resonance (Aug 11, 2010)

It depends on the woman.

A few women I had dated had increased sexual drive before and after their menstrual cycle; of course there were some that did not want sex or much physical contact at all during. 

Perhaps speaking with the woman and ask her to initiate any intimacy during that period of time so as to not upset her or you, and to alert you of when it is starting and ending. Of course, be reassuring to her and loving, but anything aside from some kisses and holding should be out of the question if she says she is not into intimacy during her menstrual cycle. Please understand women are in discomfort during this time period.


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## Dave321 (Aug 4, 2010)

ETIQUETTE.I have never kept up with my wife.To not have sex a week before the rag.To me it sound like she cheating you out of sex--------5-7----before and then the --------3-9-----during,so thats ----8-16--- days.So because she didn't say anything when she or give notes or warning.Is bad etiquette?Now some women don't want sex the week before and the week after.But not to tell you when she about to go in season.If you feel bad then a guess thats a bad thing for you.I don't see why you care about this.There more to this about you.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

father-of-3 said:


> Is it poor etiquette for a W to _routinely_ "forget" or opt not to have sex in the week preceeding her period?
> 
> This of course assumes she is not on birth control. Thoughts?


Etiquette? Hah!! The sex component of my marriage is a war zone with me fighting to get some and her fighting to give none. This is one of her favorite ways to get out doing it, so she really work the numbers (of days) to get away with the least

Is it enemy action? Sure enough.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> In the marriages where the W is attracted to her H, and/or respects his needs and priorities she doesn't "forget". In those where he is viewed as the human ATM machine, she routinely forgets.


I wonder why you are allowed to make sexist statements like this all-of-the-time.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Susan,
The last time you called me sexist I very politely asked you to explain WHAT it was I had said that was sexist and you never responded. That was weeks and many posts ago. 

So if you want to say it - say it. But when asked - don't ignore the request. 



Susan2010 said:


> I wonder why you are allowed to make sexist statements like this all-of-the-time.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

It is unclear to me whether you are really making it know that you need to "get some". If it is you that has the drive then YOU should be the one to know the schedule or inquire about it. At the very least you can't assume that this will be in the forfront of her mind. 
You should be the one to make is abundantly clear that your needs are not being met. Are BJ's not an option....seriously? My wife frequently "takes care of me orally" when the timing is off or she is simply not in the mood. I don't think this is as unusual as many people think. Assuming however that you have made your need clear it sounds like your wife is just a little selfish with little regard for your feelings. Is she a caring giving person in her other relationships in her life. If she is then maybe the problem is with you and the relationship that may need work. 

I resent this notion for people not being "in the mood" or "just not feeling it" . That is not to say there shouldn't be romance or trying on the part of the (undersexed spouse) for lack of a better term. What if you "weren't in the mood"/ or "forgot" to: 

Bring home the bacon (if that is your roll-in whole or in part)
Take care of the home, bills, take out the trash...

Naturally sex should not be a chore but, it is in my opinion it is a spouses duty to try and satify eachothers need on all levels incuding sex. It sounds like she feels that doing that is optional. 

Counseling sounds like a logical step here.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Rusty pennies?? It's so infrequent with us, she could smell like the south end of a north bound skunk and I wouldn't turn it down.


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