# No nes, affairs and now a decision



## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

It's a terrible situation and I seek advice on what to do. It's one bad decision after another compounding themselves.

So it begins, somewhat before married nearly 20 years ago, and worsened over time. We struggle with intimacy....of all forms. Things were real HOT while dating, but the fire faded and we found ourselves somewhat clumsy when it comes to sex and intimacy. It's never been "satisfying" but when at it's best it was certainly not a deal breaker in the larger context of marriage.

As the years rolled on it became a bigger deal. I have tried to explain to impact it has on me. I wouldn't wish it on an enemy. It's partially the sex, but it is more the feeling of not being desired by your spouse, someone you love. It's no isolated to sex, it's being cared for, touched, needed. We are now at 4 years of NO SEX, none PERIOD.

To say I was vulnerable would be an understatement. I now am in an affair, and to be VERY clear - it is a huge mistake and I 100% understand that and every reason why - from it being selfish to inconsiderate, to destructive - but I can't rewrite history. I just want to navigate out of this best way possible.

I have struggled with why I don't just leave. Part of it is fear and reluctance ot hurt my wife, part is selfishness of wanting to keep the good aspects of the marriage, a BIG part is my child (14 yr old daughter), and to a much lesser degree the $ impact.

I am remorseful about the affair yet bitter that my own wife lost interest in me and leaves me such terrible options - be a cheater, accept loveless marriage, or forfeit my time as a parent and half our assets to seek happiness from scratch elsewhere.

FYI - she knows of the affair - just not the extent. She does not fault me, said she understand she was not there for me. simply put she knows I am torn between divorce or not. She feels we can fix it all - but her motives are in question to me. I provide quite well for her, am agreeable by nature, a good father, and pull more than my fair share around the house.

On the other end is this beautiful OW. She is single, understands my situation, and everything about us comes so easily. We have known each other for years and I consider our relationship and evolution, not a lust drunken fog.

I know better than to leave for anyone but myself, and I wouldn't. I fear there is no way to find a place in my marriage with my wife that can bring happiness at an acceptable level. I hate to hurt anyone, especially my child, but I cannot live without love or as a cheater/sneak.

Please......any experiences or advice would be extremely appreciated.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

MC despite your actions I appreciate what you have done to make things correct. For someone with true remorse it is a long emotional road as well as the other injured parties.

It seems like the perfect opportunity for you and your wife to make strides in this relationship. I would think a counselor (maybe one who is also a sexologist) could help you overcome the lack of intimacy and communication. 

Your thoughts?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your wife claims the two of you can fix it.

Is she willing to work on the core problem?
The lack of intimacy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Then do the honourable thing. Disengage from the affair person completely, and dedicate yourself to your marriage, wife, and family.

You may find that while you felt your wife was not fulfilling your needs for intimacy in the marriage, that you may also have not really been fulfilling hers. That is usually what happens - it's a complicated dance between two people.

If after trying, you do not succeed in re-establishing that intimacy with each other, then you can part with a clearer conscience that you tried all within your power. But, you won't be able to do that unless you end your affair and commit to your wife.

Best wishes.


----------



## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

The issue in working on my marriage is primarily because I question her motives.

I don't know that she really wants to work on it, actually loves me in a romantic sense or just wants to preserve the lifestyle I provide. She is pretty privileged to the extent we have two homes, she drives a high end luxury car, the home is cleaned, the grounds are maintained, etc.. She does work and earns a good salary but certainly not enough to maintain the lifestyle she has been enjoying.

I just find it odd that despite all of my efforts to work it out, it is only upon discovery of an affair (which she doesn't seem upset about) and realization divorce is a potential outcome does she suddenly declare her love for me and desires to restore intimacy into the marriage.


----------



## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

mr_confused said:


> I just find it odd that despite all of my efforts to work it out, it is only upon discovery of an affair (*which she doesn't seem upset about*) and realization divorce is a potential outcome does she suddenly declare her love for me and desires to restore intimacy into the marriage.



I highlighted the portion of all of your text so far that bothers me the most. After four years of not being intimate she has clearly checked out. A spouse who still loves you would be crying, screaming etc once the shock of the situation wore off.
It sounds like you think she doesn't really want to be with you except for the lifestyle? 

Of course no one is going to say going outside of your marriage and having an affair is acceptable. Instead of either working and fixing the issues, or leaving your wife you have an affair and then you become the bad guy even if she was not meeting your needs.

No one can tell you how you feel and what you should do, but I do strongly suggest getting away from this other woman and having some "me" time alone to try and determine your feelings and what you want.


----------



## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

Affairs are never justified, nor do I attempt to justify mine.

It would be so much easier to stay in my marriage and literally save me a fortune....I just have lost a lot of love over time - I view her like a sister. 

It is odd to me that upon discovery she never asked, how often, how long it had been going on, how many time, what we did together, etc.. I have read so many tales and blogs from betrayed spouses and she doesn't seem to share any of the sentiments and following emotions common in a devastated and betrayed spouse. 

I think it's a comfort thing. She doesn't desire or need intimacy so she is content. Me seeking it elsewhere doesn't really bother her because I'm not giving someone else something she wants or needs. It's the only reasoning I can find consistent with our past and her response to the affair.

She was distraught about the thought of divorce, but I am concerned and questioning the reasons - if it is the thought of losing a man she truly loves, or the fear of change and the thought of a compromised standard of living.

Thank you for your reply.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think there must be more to the story. Either she has some very dysfunctional psychology around emotional intimacy and sex, or she is in an affair herself.

My advice is similar as the above. End the affair and go no-contact with your affair partner. Dedicate yourself to exploring your marriage and whether it can be resurrected into something good.

As far as divorce, your child at 14 gives you about a 2 yr window. They say the senior yr of high school and the freshman & sr years of college are the toughest ones in that age bracket for parents to divorce. I don't know, but that is what I've read.

I don't think it is likely a successful strategy to leave your wife now for this other woman. Your marriage is one thing, and this other woman is something totally different. It isn't an either/or question, it is whether your marriage is or can be made to be acceptable to both of you. If not, end it. But don't try to weigh wife vs other woman.


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

mr_confused said:


> Affairs are never justified, nor do I attempt to justify mine.
> 
> It would be so much easier to stay in my marriage and literally save me a fortune....I just have lost a lot of love over time - I view her like a sister.
> 
> ...


I see why you would be suspect of her motivation. 

If its a comfort thing, then her needs are met and yours are only met by another person. I, unlike others on here, am not against an affair as I have seen it improve my relationship. I never had more sex in my marriage WITH my spouse than when I was having an affair, he was all over me just during that time, it was weird. So, I ended the affair, thinking we had established a great pattern and he stopped having sex with me again...:scratchhead: 

I can completely understand why you wouldnt, and perhaps shouldnt divorce, but consider....

The problem with you having an affair and having $$$ is that she could turn and use that against you and divorce you and get your $ and comfortable lifestyle leaving you out in the cold more so than just divorcing as a no fault divorce. So that may leave the affair option out if you want to protect your lifestyle and seeing your daughter.

I think there should be laws protecting the sanctity of marriage sex in that when a spouse refuses (and this is not just a 1 time refusal here and there Im referring to) that responsibility, then its not an abomination to have it elsewhere. Its wrong, married people make a committment to be one anothers partner, forsaking all others, NOT foresaking each other. She forsakes you when she refuses you. There is no recourse for those who do that, except in France... didnt someone high up in politics, a woman, just win a case because her husband wasnt having sex with her? SOmething like that was in the news.

You could turn it into a bitter battle of taking away your support of her while married, but then you wouldnt be doing the "right" thing. 

It goes to the bottom line of the high drive spouse gets duped... damned if you do it elsewhere when you dont get it at home, and damned if you try to keep it in the marriage and dont get it at all.:scratchhead:

I think it will be hard to get help for this anywhere but from your wife, bc al the HD spouses on here havent figured out what works other than some game we need to play to get our needs somewhat met (empowerment and balancing). Low drive spouses will say to romance her, etc... My social work/psych background will tell you to grieve the loss of what you wanted in your marriage bc its not there, and learn to live with what is there.

The Man Up approach on here seems to be the best way for HD husbands to find that balance... its not being mean, its stating expectations you have for your sexual needs to be met within the marriage, to be balanced with what you are providing her with. Its been a while since I was a regular poster on here, Im sure someone here remembers where to find those posts! It may be your best shot! Try that out....:smthumbup:


----------

