# Feeling like failure



## Razor's Edge (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm fairly certain my husband is currently trying to figure out how to tell me he wants to get a divorce. I'm terrified of it actually. I'm also fairly sure there is nothing I can do to stop it.

We've been married only two and a half years. In the first year he deployed to Afghanistan. During which I moved to one of my families places to work and basically live for free while horsing every cent we earned. I was faithful and sent him everything he desired and many surprises just to make him smile. I know war is hell and no one truly comes backs. I was prepared for changes. When he returned I made sure he had nothing to worry about, no obligations, no stresses. He had no chores around the house. Nothing. He just had to be him and to decompress. He did blow through all the money I had saved while he was a away in about a month and a half. But excessive spending is a symptom of PTSD. So I made some new accounts that he couldn't get to and started saving again. And he started treatment for his PTSD and TBI.

Months went by and things settled. From the very beginning, when we first started dating, I told him I want kids. I want a baby and because of a issues from medications when I was very small for my asthma and a genetic hitch I don't have a lot of time to do that. We both agreed that right away after getting married isn't the right time. Nor is right around a deployment. So I waiting patiently and told my biological clock to shut it for six months. Then I brought up the question. He shot me down but I thought we could talk through this. At the same time he decided he wanted a new car even though his was more than fine. We discussed back and forth until he said the magic words, "I want a bigger car for when our family gets bigger." I caved and he got his new car. At this point we found out he will be medically discharged some time late 2014. We could not afford fertility treatments without Tricare because they are bloody expensive and many insurance companies won't cover them. So the sooner the better.

I stopped birth control but then our sex life because lack luster at best. Two months later (August 2013) there was no sex at all. He blamed some new meds he was on. Which I give credence to because he also stopped watching porn. (I honestly didn't care about the porn because it never interfered with our sex life) In October he decided he wanted a dog but I'm very allergic and didn't want one. I can't say we argued, it wasn't fighting, no one yelled or cried. But we debated. Finally by the first week of November he decided to use the trump card again. Said that a dog would help with his anxiety so we could have a baby. And he got a dog. But the baby talk continued this time. Openly and I thought honestly. I don't hide things from him. Especially things that affect him. I went to go see my doctor. The bad news was that I need fertility treatments, the good news is the army insurance will cover ever penny of it.

When I got home, prescriptions in hand feeling miserable and vulnerable but still optimistic, I tell him everything because I think he needs to know. At that point he says he doesn't want kids now. Maybe in a few years but definitely not now. I was crushed. It's only been a month and I know I've been hurt, angry, and resentful but I still make sure to tell him everyday that I love him, he is smart, handsome and has worth. I've asked several times if he would go to marriage counseling with me and he always so no, that he doesn't need to have some one tell him it's all his fault. And I cannot convince him it's not all his fault. That it takes two people.

In the last two weeks he's barely spoken to me. I've given up on the hope of having children. And I'm just trying to salvage my marriage. He saw his therapist today and when I asked how it went he said, "bad." And when I asked if they'd discussed what was going on with us he said, "Yes. He thinks I should be honest with you and myself. But I don't think I can talk about it right now." I didn't press him further because that sounds so bad. But by tonight I'd worked myself into a ball of terror and anxiety that I started to question myself if I was just imagining things to be much much worse than reality. So I asked him and he said, "No it is really very bad." 

I feel like I've failed as a companion. That I put my wants over his recovery needs. That I ruin my marriage because pressed him on something he wasn't ready for. And I'm terrified that even if I do manage to save it now that in a few years he will want kids but I won't be able to give them to him and he will leave me then anyway for someone who can.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

My stbxw did a simular thing. We we're in agreement before we got married that we would have kids. Later in the marriage she changed her mind completely. I should have left her then. I stayed for another 5 years. Now 9 years later and 9 years older I get to go try and start over. I can totally relate to your eagerness and reasoning for wanting a child. To me, it was a dealer breaker and I wouldn't have married her if she felt this way prior to getting married. It doesn't sound like he wants kids. Maybe more will be revealed in MC? 
I can only tell you that if you wait theres a pretty good chance he may never give you a child and if your willing to risk losing him over it in order to get that wish, I would see nothing wrong in doing it. Sorry your here, you sound like a wonder wife actually.


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## Razor's Edge (Feb 19, 2014)

Thank you! There are just so many what ifs. I just wish he'd tell me what he needs to and be completely honest. Just get it over with like ripping off a bandaid. Waiting is killing me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Razor's Edge said:


> I've given up on the hope of having children. And I'm just trying to salvage my marriage.


This is a mistake. You've given up on him being financially responsible. You've given up on not buying another car. You've given up on not living with a dog. And now you're giving up on having a family, the ONE THING you should be expected to not have to give up on. 

I think you should go to therapy yourself to try to learn how to stand up for yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He doesn't know what he wants or needs because you're bending over backwards to not make his life stressful. Only when he has to face reality (I can't stay married if you won't have kids with me) will he have to be an adult and face adult decisions. Your bending over backwards is doing nothing but teaching him he's got a new 'mother' who's going to baby him and let him skate through life.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It is terrifying to think about changes. You have been doing everything you can for him.

How about something for you? 

I have daughters. I want their husbands to treat them right. 
All four of them are married. Sometimes in marriage, you do compromise, but not all the time.

Will he let you go with him to see his IC? Ask him to write the problems out if he can't tell you.

You can't work on problems without knowing what is going on in his head.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Ask him to write the problems out if he can't tell you.
> 
> You can't work on problems without knowing what is going on in his head.


RE,

This is good advice. Too many times I was blindsided by my XW who would come to MC with a laundry list of issues to discuss. Problem was, when we weren't in MC she would claim everything was fine. Nobody can read minds.

At this point I would focus on you. Honestly own your stuff and work on them. Honestly tell him what his stuff is and watch to see what he does to work on them. Set firm boundaries and explain expectations. Prepare for the worse but don't sabotage the marriage. Don't be cold and detach but be firm. If he asks tell him the truth but don't let the state of your marriage dominate your conversations. It's a tricky balance but if you guys focus too hard on fixing it you might break it in the process. 

Fix you while he fixes himself. If you two are okay, like you were when you met, then the love hopefully will just happen.


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## Razor's Edge (Feb 19, 2014)

Thanks everyone for all your advice. Things came to a head last night. I'd love to say that I approached the situation with tact and care but I didn't. I came home from a dinner out with friends and had been drinking. To be clear I almost never drink. Maybe a glass of wine a month. So I went at the conversation with drunken bluntness and frustration. In a way I think that it worked in my favor. I was less emotional and laid everything out with more confidence and I'm going to go with selfishness than I usually would. I think he felt more comfortable as he is most used to dealing with emotional issues over drinks with his SGT or friends.

He is having issues because he literally feels nothing. He's having a hard time emotionally connecting to anyone not just me and he doesn't think that it is fair to me. True it's not. But I feel that part of that is that he isn't trying. Not that he isn't trying to have feelings that he isn't trying to cultivate a relationship. I explained all that I have done to try to build our marriage and asked him what he has actively done in the last few months. He had to admit: nothing. 

We decided on a plan. He is going to see his therapist once a week instead of once a month. (No I can't go with him. Army is like that) Until he actually is discharged from the Army (probably between 3 and 6 months) he must try to do at least one thing everyday (big or small) for me and to rebuild our relationship. He also has to spend at least two hours of real quality time with me everyday. Not in his man cave on his computer with his friends from home. And to keep himself honest about it he has to write it down in his journal every night. Like a food diary for those trying to lose weight, only to gain love. If at the end of that time things are better we will move to his home state. If on the other hand he still feels nothing even after he has put all that effort in than he will go to his home state alone and I will stay where I have a job and friends. And that will be the end of things.

The hope is that no one would want to just thrown in the towel so easily on something they put so much time and effort in on. That it is easy to give up on something that you haven't put any time or care into. I of course want your continued advice and will keep you updated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like progress. To give an analogy: H, DD23, and I live at home with our 3 dogs. The dogs are a MESS! I've even gotten letters from neighbors about how aggressive our dogs are. We've all 3 gotten into habits of coming home and watching tv and playing/working on our laptops. The dogs are a mess! (like your marriage) They wouldn't be a mess if we would just spend 30 minutes a day on training them. As owners should.

So tonight, I suggested to DD23 that the three of us agree to turn off the electronics ONE HOUR every night and just focus on the dogs and whatever else needs done. 

Note that when I was taking DH to therapy last year for all the issues in our marriage, IC told us the same thing: she asked DH if he would commit to turning off the tv/laptops just one hour each night, to focus on our marriage (he didn't).


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