# My Husband cheated...and I can get over the disrespect



## 1551 (Dec 8, 2010)

Here is some background information in to my realtionship:

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We met in college (I was a freshman he was on the verge of graduating). We had both recently gotten out of a long relationship. In the middle of meeting him, moving away from my parents, starting college, dealing with the stress of being a college athlete, and leaving my high school sweetheart I was also dealing with the possibility of infertility. My number one goal in life (besides having a career) was becoming a mother. At the time my soon to be husband and I decided to start our own family. 6 months in to my pregnancy we got married. I told him the only way I would divorce him is if he a. put his hands on me or b. cheated on me. 5 days after I gave birth to my son (our second child) my husband told me he had cheated on me with a co-worker. The cheating was a one night stand and he had no feelings for the other women. After he told me this I chose to stay and try to work things out, despite how I felt. It has been 2 years since he cheated (new years...my son's due date) and I still can not get over the fact that he did what he did. I recently began staying at my Parents house so we can both have some time apart. For so long my husband was very controling and selfish (stemming from me being so young when we got married and he has a very controlling personality) and I am JUST NOW starting to find myself and re-gain my self confidence and self worth. I am finally back to my old self before I entered this marriage. Now that I have finally found my voice and my self I am having more and more trouble accepting what he did. He disrepected me after I told him cheating was grounds for immediate divorce. I know we can get through the issues we both have (we are in indivual counseling to better ourselves) but I dont know if I can get over what he did. 

For some reason the phrase "If you cant stand for something you will fall for anything" keeps popping in to my head when I try to express how I feel about what he did. I know this is long but some advice would be much appreciated!!


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Something in your marriage was broken. The affair was a wakeup call to fix what was not working. 

My wife and I also made it clear that infidelity equals divorce. Every week over the 24 years that we were together that mantra came up. Then my wife stepped out. 

Either I stay or go. I looked at the 24 years before, the extenuating circumstances that lead to her infidelity and decided to stay. Not a day goes by where I don't think of her vile behavior. But I want to heal so I put the thoughts out of my head and think of positive things. 

Good luck.


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## reallady (Feb 28, 2011)

I too am married to a cheater husband,who only did it once in 25years,so he says.I do not have the moral or personal weakness to find fantasy happiness outside the marriage or run away from personal issues,I face things head on,people always know what I am thinking so they can say their thoughts too.My being up front and honest,dimmed in comparison to his quiet,secretive demeanor.He used to say his past before me was none of his business.I now understand he is passive-agressive,can smile through a problem and be secretly planning revenge.That is a foreign concept to me,the revenge need.Yes,some men are born cads,but most resent something in the relationship and look elsewhere.25 years ago my husbands parents objected to our marriage,liked to control their kids,we fought about his lack of independence,but where love is blind,I married him anyway.My independemce and honesty never grew weak,his indepence never grew stronger,he ended up thinking his child and I took all his money and did not listen to him enough.Unjustified,but real in his mind.I was the imagined reason for his hard life as he called it.He had lived at home till age 25,paid no rent,bought cars,and lied alot to his parents to keep them off his back,thus going on to lie in his relationships too.You always want to believe you are the one who can rescue a partner/help them,only later to find out that is a co-dependent relationship.My husband stole company money,gambled,took up with a prostitute he felt sorry for.I stayed to get our daughter through college,have been woman enough to realize just a tiny part of it was my fault,I saw signs early in relationship and married him anyway.We moved away from there,almost 3 years later,he is slowly becoming a better man,treats me much more lovingly and tries to be more complimentary.My problem is in the bedroom,I cannot do the no foreplay,you get me hard sex he did with the hooker lady.He told me the little they did,never know if it is whole truth,and sense he paid to get it exactly his way,I resent his lazy sex.I may be 50,but am no prude,anything goes in bedroom,I am energetic,creative,and joyous.He says he has low sex drive,but I do not believe it,for we had rousing sex life until his parents tried to get him not to marry me and he started seeing me as cause of his problems.After that it was like he withheld sex in revenge at times,and now could careless if he has it much,and if he does,he fights me on my energetic,creative ideas.He never got a low sex drive the normal physical way,of course he denies this.Now I withhold sex as to not do it his boring demeaning way.This is against my nature and makes me miserable.I picture him and her if he wants sex his way.You never get the images out of your mind of what your spouse might have done with someone else,but I am not the kind to compete with that,to prove myself the better lover.He struggles to aggressively go after me in the bedroom like I like,taking the lead and doing enough foreplay.His struggle kills me,but I need this to be a sex life I can live with.Am I being horrible?I do not feel controlling,just trying to mentally survive,but he acts like this is control.Is it possible for a cheater to come home and make a new sex life,or am I wishing on a star,being in denial?????


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

wow....

how did we go from a 4 yr (just post) honeymooner story to a 

50 yr old looking (NOW) for greener grass and longer lasting 

bulls?

:scratchhead:


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

She is allowed to post her story as are all of us. 

Let me give you my two cents and you can take it or leave it. This really all depends on how you want to live your life. I want both of you to sit down and think about it very carefully. Are you prepared to live your life with the thought , idea, of your man with another woman? Are you prepared to always wonder what he is doing on his days off or on his business trip without you? Trust me, I know you will always have those doubts, however small, they will always be there. Can you accept that and move forward? I liked to believe that trust can be regained but it can't, not 100 percent anyway. You can learn to live with things the way they are, accept the fact that he cheated and try and cope but you will never ever be completely trusting of him every again. Those are the facts. 

Now, sit down and decide what you are prepared to live with - never completely trusting your husband again (and perhaps a lousy sex life) or leaving him and starting anew with someone else? Not an easy question to answer but once you do, it will solve your dilemma.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

1551.

question #1

Had you forgiven him 2 years back, when he told you? 

how far from that did you start feeling this way?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

My question would be... after you've been cheated on, do you ever really trust someone 100% again? Regardless of whether or not they're the one that cheated.

For me, the answer is no. It's only been two months since I found out, but I know now I never want to be that blindly trusting again. I don't plan on looking over my shoulder every two seconds, but I need to keep in mind that it can happen and stay alert for warning signs. I'd do this with anyone now.

I used to tell my husband that if he ever cheated, it'd be over. My therapist said, "What adolescent doesn't say that, until it happens to them" essentially saying it's juvenile thinking. After it happened to me, I can see her point. I never thought he'd cheat, so I never thought I'd have to really consider ending our relationship. It's not simple when you still love the person, have years together, and children together. Of course, the decision to stay is probably never simple.

Anyway, I do feel that if my husband keeps up with the transparency and avoids situations that make me feel vulnerable (which he is willing to do), then I'm hopeful that he can rebuild the trust he lost by cheating.

My therapist said about 80% of relationships (can't remember if she said marriages or relationships) suffer infidelity at some point. So, at least I feel that my husband is learning from his mistake and is going to therapy to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Our odds of avoiding infidelity in a new relationship don't lower just because we've been cheated on already. It's like a coin toss, the odds are the same every time.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Trust? 100% no... You cannot "unknow" something.

What does forgiveness have to do with trust? Forgiveness is given, Trust is earned... I am pretty sure i said this in another post, but the difference between Forgiveness and trust is like the difference between a Christmas present and a paycheck. 2 different animals completely.

Trust after an affair is called acceptance. And that is choice you make, it doesnt just fly in the window and wave its pink fairy wand. 

***Poof*** lol

- Men's health had it at 67% of married couples experience affairs of varying types... 2008 data. Being that I have gone through that crap twice.. Ide say I am literally doing my part to lower the percentage.. LOL


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Lol, the fairy wand would be nice!

Our therapist gave us a new definition of trust... she said you need to trust that your partner can handle the truth. If you are attracted to someone else, trust your partner and tell them before it gets out of hand. Let your partner help you keep on the straight and narrow. 

It's okay for us to mourn the missed opportunities in life of getting to know new and interesting people as potential partners. Acknowledge the fact it can be a bummer, so you may be stronger resisting the temptation to act on it. We always hide that ugly side of our brain from our partners, but it can bring us closer together if we share it.

Don't know if that made sense, but I think the concept is to be real. Both people should avoid all lies or faking reality. The more real you are in a relationship, the stronger it can become. Trusting your partner to handle the truth.


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