# 2 1/2 year old + 2 month old = difficult toddler



## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

We just had our second boy, 2 months ago. Our first boy has always needed pretty continuous attention - has always been a handful in terms of energy required - but has otherwise been very sweet and happy. Now that the baby is here, things feel like they are getting harder by the day. Some of the highlights:

- He seems angry and frustrated a lot of the time
- Throwing hard objects to get attention
- Trying to break things or mark up the walls to get attention
- Screaming very loud to get attention
- Can't decide what he wants / doesn't want (food, etc)
- Very difficult transitions (ex bath time, bed time)
- Very tough leaving him at bed time. Just one more book, etc. (We're up to about 1000 hugs and kisses per night at last count.)
- He's started obsessively repeating random things that don't make sense and expecting a response

I know that this stuff can be normal. I don't even have a specific question. I've just been having a hard time with it and wanted to share with... anybody. Up until the new baby came, I felt like my son and I were like best friends. Now it feels like he no longer trusts me. Again, I know that this can be normal, but it's hard. I just want to get him "on side" again and it doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon...

Would appreciate words of wisdom from anyone who has been through similar. I'm sure I've left out tons of important details. Feel free to ask.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I've always said that having two kids is not twice as hard as having one. It is TEN times as hard. (And I can only imagine how that grows exponentially with more children, but I only have two). In my case, my transition was hard because my 2nd one was the hard one, but still....it felt like my world was turned upside down and shook for a solid 2.5 years at least. I cried. A lot.

My advice is to try to spend as much time on the floor with your son as you can. Fully engaged. Baby's asleep, no phone, he gets all of your attention for at least 30 minutes 2 or 3 times a day (or more!). If you have to hire a house cleaner temporarily (or permanently) to free up your time to spend more time with him, do it. Create special little traditions just the two of you (or you and your husband and him) do together to he has his "own thing." Also, have him help with the baby. Have him fetch diapers, wipes, bibs, etc. to make him feel included and important.

Congrats on the new baby .


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## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> In my case, my transition was hard because my 2nd one was the hard one, but still....it felt like my world was turned upside down and shook for a solid 2.5 years at least. I cried. A lot.


2.5 years... Damn. Yea, I've cried to myself quite a few times already.



SecondTime'Round said:


> My advice is to try to spend as much time on the floor with your son as you can. Fully engaged. Baby's asleep, no phone, he gets all of your attention for at least 30 minutes 2 or 3 times a day (or more!)...


I should mention that the new one is indeed pretty tough, which is part of the problem. We haven't really been able to put him down much yet. He screams bloody murder if he's not being nursed, soothed vigorously, or sleeping (on one of us usually). Therefore, you can imagine the jealousy issues. I work during the days, but otherwise giving either one or the other all the time and attention I can.



SecondTime'Round said:


> Create special little traditions just the two of you (or you and your husband and him) do together to he has his "own thing." Also, have him help with the baby. Have him fetch diapers, wipes, bibs, etc. to make him feel included and important.


We're trying, but so far I think he'd rather be given the job of throwing the baby out the window.  BTW, I am the husband.

Thanks for the reply!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Finding said:


> We're trying, but so far I think he'd rather be given the job of throwing the baby out the window.  BTW, I am the husband.
> 
> Thanks for the reply!


Oops, sorry for my error, Finding! . 

My first born wanted NOTHING to do with her baby brother. They are 19 months apart. I have exactly ONE picture of them together, which I wish I could find, and it's really a hilarious depiction of what life was actually life back then. It's my only attempt ever at getting professional pics. She would not touch him, get close to him, nothing. I think his incessant crying really traumatized her. She still, at 14, has never ever held a baby and strongly dislikes kids until they turn 3 or 4. (The good news is that at ages 12 and 14 my kids are the best of friends and have very, very rarely fought in their lives!) 

Hang in there.....you will get through it!! And so will your son!!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

you are describing some fairly typical behavior in an older sibling when a new baby comes home, particularly if the older child has been the only child. Having had three, our experience was this was an important time for mom and dad to work as a team. When dad is around he can either give some special attention to the older child or take the baby so mom can have some special time with the older one. Doesn't help mom much during the day when she is the only parent in the house. For those times, are there other family members or friends who could provide the same kind of relief?


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## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

Older kid is in daycare most of the days, so that's good at least (he likes it). We're defiantly both putting in all we've got to try to give him the attention he needs. We're just scared as we're feeling tired and worn out and know that it's not about to end soon. I keep having to remind myself that he (and we) will survive it all.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Finding said:


> I should mention that the new one is indeed pretty tough, which is part of the problem. We haven't really been able to put him down much yet. He screams bloody murder if he's not being nursed, soothed vigorously, or sleeping (on one of us usually). Therefore, you can imagine the jealousy issues. I work during the days, but otherwise giving either one or the other all the time and attention I can.
> 
> What about babywearing? Put the new baby in a carrier and then spend time with your toddler. Baby is happy to be "held" and close, while you are hands free to interact with the older child. Babywearing was a life saver for my high needs son. He basically lived in the Lillebaby carrier for many months. There are a number of different carriers you can look into, but I really like the Lillebaby Complete carrier and Beco Gemini because it does not need an infant insert.
> 
> ...


It's going to take a few months for him to realize the baby is here to stay and become okay with that. I only have 1, but everyone I know with 2 or more says it takes about 3 or 4 months for the toddler to make the transition to being an older sibling. Take it all one day at a time and have small goals to keep him involved with his baby sibling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Finding said:


> Older kid is in daycare most of the days, so that's good at least (he likes it). We're defiantly both putting in all we've got to try to give him the attention he needs. We're just scared as we're feeling tired and worn out and know that it's not about to end soon. I keep having to remind myself that he (and we) will survive it all.


Do either you or your husband take him out to do special things that only big boys and big brothers get to do? Since you are nursing, it might be your husband who does this.

It helps to get a kid to think of his position of big brother as quite special. Then after he's gotten rewards for being the big brother, then things like chores (getting babies wipes) and the idea of him helping care for his new sibling can be added.


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## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

Thanks for the replies all!



Anonymous07 said:


> What about babywearing? Put the new baby in a carrier and then spend time with your toddler. Baby is happy to be "held" and close, while you are hands free to interact with the older child. Babywearing was a life saver for my high needs son. He basically lived in the Lillebaby carrier for many months. There are a number of different carriers you can look into, but I really like the Lillebaby Complete carrier and Beco Gemini because it does not need an infant insert.


We have been doing lots of baby wearing - mostly my wife, but myself as well. (We have, like, 5 different types of wraps that we had used with the first.) Actually the last time I wore the baby was to have dinner, and my other son then refused to eat dinner and just acted out insanely. He is often needing to be held, or to sit on my lap, so he was clearly angry that this was not an option since there was a baby on me.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Finding said:


> Thanks for the replies all!
> 
> 
> 
> We have been doing lots of baby wearing - mostly my wife, but myself as well. (We have, like, 5 different types of wraps that we had used with the first.) Actually the last time I wore the baby was to have dinner, and my other son then refused to eat dinner and just acted out insanely. He is often needing to be held, or to sit on my lap, so he was clearly angry that this was not an option since there was a baby on me.


Awwwww, well just try to remember when he's acting like a 2 year old it's because he's a 2 year old! :grin2: I think a lot of frustration with toddlers comes from when we (self included) expect them to adult like mini adults but their little brains aren't capable of coming close!


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## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

^^ You're 100% right. I keep reminding myself that he's just a toddler! He's so verbal/intelligent that sometimes it's easy to expect too much...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It is called "THE TERRIBLE TWO's" for a reason. 


How To Tackle the "Terrible Twos"


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## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

It's funny, because before the new baby I had the delusion that we were going to skip the "terrible two's". Things were (relatively) dandy. In the past few days I've seen his first real tantrums. I know others have it much worse, but it's difficult to navigate.

So... aside from that link, tantrum tips?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Finding said:


> It's funny, because before the new baby I had the delusion that we were going to skip the "terrible two's". Things were (relatively) dandy. In the past few days I've seen his first real tantrums. I know others have it much worse, but it's difficult to navigate.
> 
> So... aside from that link, tantrum tips?


Walk away and ignore him if he's safe.

Or, get on the floor and throw an even bigger tantrum .

This is a great organization - Celebrate Calm

You should sign up for the weekly newsletters and see if there's a free seminar coming up in your city. The seminars are really great and they do exist to try to sell their very expensive CDs, but it's a soft sell and most people don't buy. (Side note: I have listened to the CDs because a former coworker owned them, and they are very good. Just super expensive.)


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Hope this gives you a laugh:

2-year-old Aurora girl goes swimming in unopened bucket of white paint | FOX31 Denver

The look on this 2 year old's face--she knows she was being naughty to smear paint all over herself while her mother was breast feeding her baby brother and could not see what she was doing.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

He is jealous of the baby, as you know, and is acting out. I would try to do things with his, as EleGirl suggested. Say "Oh no, the baby is too little to go <insert fun place here>, but you're a big boy and I would love it if you will come with me.

Tantrums I just used to tell my kids that they can scream and cry, but I will leave the room, and when they are done they can join me in the living room. Don't reward it, but try to be understanding. He probably thinks he's being replaced. He'll grow out of it with boundaries and love.


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