# Interesting situation...or at least weird



## Mannwspd161 (Oct 24, 2015)

Hello, I'm new to the site but I wanted some input. My W and I have been married 8 years. In July of this year she came to me and said she was done and she was leaving. She has been feeling overlooked for years and I won't change. I work a regular full time job and am also a realtor, trying to provide more than most for my family. Apparently in doing this I neglected her. She said she tried to tell me throughout the years but I just didn't listen. I don't think she was talking loud enough but I do see now that I horribly overlooked her and understand why she feels this way. Anyway, she left and was convinced that I wasn't going to change, nothing I could do and we were done. I didn't understand how this happened so quickly but a few days later I did all the wrong things, promised I would change, begged, pleaded...pretty much everything I shouldn't have. So I find out that about a week before she had been having 2-4 hr phone conversations with a coworker that she has known for a long time. Over the course of a month I found out that the night she left she went to his house and stayed the week because he worked at night and wouldn't be there. I also found ou that they went out one night and he kissed her. She came back for about a week but said it just wasn't going to work. About 1.5 months ago I found texts between them talking about this a,aging live they now have etc. I was heartbroken. It I had already committed to changing and had begun to. Now she says that she sees me changing and she sees us working things out in the future but now she has strong feelings of love for him. She has moved out and wants us to hit the reset button and fall back in love. I told her to go make sure this guy isn't the love of her life so that 6 months from now she isn't wondering. He has already exploded on her to the point people in the restaurant and in the parking lot were asking if she was ok. She knows he will do it again and is just waiting until her does then she is gone. We are seeing a counselor separate right now and hopefully together later. Recently we have been texting non stop and she tells me she loves me, misses me and is always thinking about me. My problem is that she is still dating this guy while I just hang out and wait. Yesterday I told her I was done and that I couldn't keep waiting for her to decide while she dated him. I said I loved her and would be here if she needed anything but I was stepping back to save my heart from being trampled on repeatedly. I hope I'm doing the right thing here. I desperately want her back but I am tired of being in second place. I know this idiot will mess up again, it's just a matter time. Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated.


----------



## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

You said and done the right thing as at the moment she is reaching out too you as a safety net in the knowledge that she could high tail it home if he explodes again in public, Stay firm and keep this mindset if you do in future get back together then it will be on your terms and not because she needs somewhere safe to hang out until Mr Next comes along but keep up the good changes for you and not her or anyone else just you


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Well as long as you don't mind being her plan B to fall back on. Her affair has probably been going on for awhile. You notice she didn't bother telling you about that huh?

Cheaters lie, hide and deceive. Blame everything on their spouses to justify their cheating.

It's all your fault was an excuse for having an affair. This was 100% on her. She went back to him because she's addicted to the sex.

Obviously you have much to learn. Your life is what you make it. File and move on you have nothing here to work on.

Man up, being a doormat will get you nowhere


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Frankly and to be honest I think the real idiot is staring you in the mirror each morning, while she is having sex with this guy every night you home by yourself....dear god brother grow some balls and move on to a better life..


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 35 years married (first time for my husband & I), and 57 years old. You are Plan B for your wife. She cheated on you, not because you neglected her but because she wanted another man. Wake up, your wife does not love you but this other man as demonstrated in her leaving you and shacking up with him.

He has tired of her. He mistreats her so that she will leave. She is not the prize that he thought she was. Why on earth would you grovel and want a woman like this? She is not wife material.

See an attorney and be done with this mockery of a marriage. I advise you to see a psychologist so that you can work on your self-esteem. You need to get your mindset on the right path and seek a wife who is all into you and honor your vows. Sorry you are here.


----------



## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Good Evening Man,
Strait and to the point, you deserve better in a woman. Maybe you did or didn't neglect her. Your wife has not been honest with you has she. Seeing another and keeping you, Mr money maker back up plan in the wings. You know what would do wonders for your self esteem? Being someone's number 1! Your wife does not love you if she is doing what you said that she is doing. Do yourself the best favor you will ever do and leave. Or at least start dating someone else and tell your wife you will see who you will love more. 

Good luck mate.
Gonecrazy


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Whether you did or didn't neglect her, that does NOT give her a free pass to cheat!! She has no excuse and SHE OWNS HER CHOICE TO CHEAT. She is 100% responsible for choosing that path. If she wasn't happy she should have got happy or got out, not cheated.

You are her backup plan, plan b, consolation prize. Do NOT ever make someone else a priority who only considers you an option. Tell her all bets are off, you're done with this crap and are not waiting around for her to decide what happens with YOUR LIFE. File for legal separation, you don't have to go through with the divorce but this will tell her that you mean business and are not going to be hers nor anyone else Plan B.

Sometimes, in order to save the marriage you need to be willing to risk losing it. What you have at the moment isn't even worth saving.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Op personally I don't see how you could take her back, sloppy seconds suck. . I think she has made you feel so guilty that out of desperation you will say and do anything. How can you possibly think giving her a free six month pass to cheaterville is a positive step in rebuilding a marriage? 

It is typical behavior for a cheater to rain down all sorts of negative crap on the spouse, that helps them justify their cheating. They will blame you, tell you they felt neglected, tell you they felt unappreciated, un loved, there was no passion, you didn't support them, you're a bad and terrible spouse, blah, blah, blah. So as the cheated on spouse you go into defense mode, you apologize for everything, you swear you will do whatever it takes to be better, you feel you must have screwed everything up. Her plan unfolded perfectly, you feel guilt ridden and she is justified in screwing other men, heck you even gave her permission. Wow did she work you over! 

OP maybe you weren't the perfect husband, but she sure as hell isn't the perfect wife. I would file divorce papers TODAY, stop being a doormat. Tell her to get her things or put them in a storage unit, TODAY. She may plead to come home but don't you let her, you will regret it, in a year or so the same scenario will happen again. Go as no contact as possible, once your emotions settle down you will see the light and see how she manipulated you. 

This advise is coming from a guy who has been there, man I thought I was the worst husband ever. How could I have driven my wife to have affairs? How could I have been doing everything so wrong thinking I was doing things right? You know what OP? Turns out I'm a pretty good guy, I wasn't the spouse who was cheating, lying, stealing and manipulating, those sins fell on her. Wake up OP.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hello, Mannwspd161. 

There are those who can reconcile and those who can not. 

You are right to take a stand to protect yourself, by refusing to participate in the 'pick me dance'. It's weak, unattractive and belittling. Nothing can be built on it. Now it's your choice whether to accept her back or not. 

Take this time to work on you. A new relationship can only be between two whole people, not three. When she's ready for that, maybe you'll be there or maybe you'll move on to better pastures. 

Do you have children?

Best


BTW, It's beyond me too find a list of things titled "How to fix a marriage" that an affair on the list.


----------



## Guth (Oct 23, 2015)

You became a cuckold.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Guth said:


> You became a...


Lot's of guidance here.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Mannwspd161 said:


> Hello, I'm new to the site but I wanted some input. My W and I have been married 8 years. In July of this year she came to me and said she was done and she was leaving. She has been feeling overlooked for years and I won't change. I work a regular full time job and am also a realtor, trying to provide more than most for my family. Apparently in doing this I neglected her. She said she tried to tell me throughout the years but I just didn't listen. I don't think she was talking loud enough but I do see now that I horribly overlooked her and understand why she feels this way. Anyway, she left and was convinced that I wasn't going to change, nothing I could do and we were done. I didn't understand how this happened so quickly but a few days later I did all the wrong things, promised I would change, begged, pleaded...pretty much everything I shouldn't have. So I find out that about a week before she had been having 2-4 hr phone conversations with a coworker that she has known for a long time. Over the course of a month I found out that the night she left she went to his house and stayed the week because he worked at night and wouldn't be there. I also found ou that they went out one night and he kissed her. She came back for about a week but said it just wasn't going to work. About 1.5 months ago I found texts between them talking about this a,aging live they now have etc. I was heartbroken. It I had already committed to changing and had begun to. Now she says that she sees me changing and she sees us working things out in the future but now she has strong feelings of love for him. She has moved out and wants us to hit the reset button and fall back in love. I told her to go make sure this guy isn't the love of her life so that 6 months from now she isn't wondering. He has already exploded on her to the point people in the restaurant and in the parking lot were asking if she was ok. She knows he will do it again and is just waiting until her does then she is gone. We are seeing a counselor separate right now and hopefully together later. Recently we have been texting non stop and she tells me she loves me, misses me and is always thinking about me. My problem is that she is still dating this guy while I just hang out and wait. Yesterday I told her I was done and that I couldn't keep waiting for her to decide while she dated him. I said I loved her and would be here if she needed anything but I was stepping back to save my heart from being trampled on repeatedly. I hope I'm doing the right thing here. I desperately want her back but I am tired of being in second place. I know this idiot will mess up again, it's just a matter time. Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated.


She left you when she thought she had built another loving nest with OM. Other man just wanted fun with another's wife. He didn't want her long term. That's why OM pick married women! They enjoy em, then ditch em and move on to the next cheating easy come easy go. 

She was easy come easy go for him. You know this and that's why you are waiting. Now what does that make you? You're in shock and can't think straight. Time to let anger set in and propell you to regain your dignity. Your old marriage is dead. Your wife killed it. Divorce her, and go to therapy to guide you into getting healthy again and with your new found dignity. 

A loving wife would have made sure you knew she wasn't happy. She didn't tell you because she didn't start rewriting history until she felt like $hit for allowing her moral compass to get lost. 

She doesn't love you, she doesn't even love herself. Do yourself a favor and hammer the last nail on this very dead marriage. 

Be patient on yourself. The overwhelming feelings will not magically go away if she comes back. Nothing is going to revive this and make it better,but time will help with moving on and healing.

Bibi


----------



## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

I am not going to recommend a cut and run approach. Lots of people say that is the thing to do but I like to consider all aspects before making such a big decision.

First, you were not providing her needs. It's a hard pill to swallow. I've been there. After working 100 hours a week for years while my W was in school, all I ever did was get complained at about it, to the point where I hated coming home as much as I hated going to the office. 
I did not understand what she wanted/needed and she did not do a good job of voicing it. It hurt my feelings for a long time until she was finally able to tell me that all she wanted was for me to spend time with her. It was like a lightbulb came on and suddenly every argument we had ever had about my career made sense.

Second, this did not happen overnight. It can feel that way when these messy details come out. There is a reason they run to an OW/OM. I'm not defending her choice. Whatever her reasons, which she may not even be able to vocalize, it was wrong for her to do that. 

Third, until you start peeling back the layers, usually through good counseling, you really don't know what is going on in her head. She may have truly realized that she made a mistake in letting you go. The again she may not have. 

You need to establish ground rules with her. If she is really interested in saving your marriage, she will work with you on this. Don't ask her to commit to anything long term, but she can not be seeing another man while she is working out issues with you. Sounds like you're already planning on joint counseling which is good. 
Use this as an opportunity for both of you to gain some clarity. You will need it before you can decide if your marriage is fixable or in case you decide it isn't. Don't make spur of the moment, emotionally charged decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Don't sit around and wait on a cheater, if you take her back without her facing any consequences she will cheat on you again. 

You are playing her game, hanging on like a lost puppy just waiting for her to want you back. I hope you have more self respect than that. 
As far as her saying she will leave the OM if he gets loud in public which she knows he will, I would tell her you made your bed lay in it. 

You are doing exactly what she expected you would do, sit around and wait on her while she plays house with another man. She does not even have any remorse about what she is doing and you are letting her get away with it, if she does come home she will cheat again and blame you for being a terrible husband.

You can not work on any marriage problems while she is sleeping with OM every night, do you really want a women like this?


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Until she commits to the marriage there is nothing to save. 180 and begin moving on. If she wants you back she has to earn it.


----------



## EverythingU.RNot (Sep 2, 2015)

Mannwspd161 said:


> She said she tried to tell me throughout the years but I just didn't listen.* I don't think she was talking loud enough *but I do see now that I horribly overlooked her


Is it loud enough for you now?

It seems like it's too late, sadly. And if she's in an affair it basically has to run it's course, because you won't be able speak loudly enough over it. Seems she has truly moved on....

I'm sorry... Men don't wait until she becomes a raging lunatic or leaves... A woman's emotional needs are every bit as important as your sexual ones..

LISTEN.


----------

