# My wife kissed another man and says they are now best friends, I used to be..



## JAE

This might get long, sorry and thanks.

History- We have been together for 8 years, married 4. No kids. She is my best friend and I love her more than anything. No trust issues in the past.

My wife and I have grown distant over the last 4 months. At the beginning of the 4 months she started a friendship with a coworker. One night she went out with people from her work and ended up staying the night at his place. He lives about a hour and half from our place. The next day she told me that she had cuddled with him in bed and that he tried to kiss her, she turned away and put a stop to it. It makes no sense that she was cuddling with him, I know. I was pissed and told her I didn't appreciate her staying the night at a gusy house. She promised that she had zero attraction to him and that nothing more would happen. About a month after that she went out with the same group and ended up at his house again; nothing happened, she slept on the couch. This still drove me crazy that she knows how much I hated that she stayed there before.

Over these past months she has talked more and more to this guy, text him constantly. A couple days ago (the day before our 4th anniversary) she was obviously trying to tell me something but was being around the bush. After some talking she told me that this guy was her best friend now. I told her that was more hurtful than if she would have told me they had sex. Then after some more talking she told me that she had kissed him 2 months ago. She swears that nothing else has happened, she loves me, doesn't love him, and that it's her fault. I told her that I think it's my fault maybe I wasn't doing something I should have been doing? She won't let me take the blame for any of it. She said that she needed time and that 1 of us should leave for a couple days. I went on a drive for 3 days.

I sent her one text while I was gone for the 3 days. "This is not how I imagined our anniversary. I still love you, that will never change. I probably won't be home for a couple days. I still want this to work, but I need you to cut all ties with him. I don't think that is unreasonable. When I get home I want it to be done. I know this sounds controlling and crazy but it has to be this way. Do you want it to work between us? I hope you do. I love you."

I get home and see that she plans on going to an event where this guy is selling merchandise. I called her at work, she wouldn't answer, would only text back. She said she need more time. When I confronted her about going to the event she said that she wasn't trying to hide it and that she needed to talk to him about things. I understand that, but how long does she need to that? I checked the phone records (I know that's wrong) she has talked to him for a total of 2 hrs and many, many text during the time I was gone.

I can forgive her for everything, I love and care for her too much not to. I'm just afraid that if she doesn't end her relations with this other guy, I won't be able to handle it.

It seems strange to just leave her be and not talk to her, but she insists on it. I love her so much and would be lost without her. I'm looking for help. How long do I give her to cut this guy out? Is there salvaging this marriage? Has this happened to you, were you able to stick it out? How was the relationship afterward?


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## GPR

She is more than friends with this guy. It doesn't matter if they have done more than just kiss or not, the connection there has already gone past mere friendship. 

Now, what to do. You've put down the ultimatum, which is good, and maybe should've been done a while ago. The fact that she asked for more time and to be away from you is troubling, so you might want to prepare yourself, because it sounds like there is a genuine indecision there. Like she is spending time with him to decide if she wants to be with him.

Basically, stick to your Ultimatum. Give her a deadline.... a short one. Then prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Because even if she comes back, this will be an issue that will trouble your relationship for a while to come.


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## okeydokie

i would be gone


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## JAE

She just sent another text saying "that she needs more time, she's not doing well, she's feeling suffocated. She feels a real sadness and seems unbearable to not see or talk to him again. To be honest...not sure if she can do it. I love you and care about you, but I'm not sure if I can cut him out. I'm calling monday to set up appointment with a therapist. I'm on the verge of running."

I sent a reply. "You feel no sadness with losing me? I have to do this because I think I know you answer...choose your husband or him?"

It has been 20 minutes and no response. She is at work but I think she didn't respond because she didn't want to say wahat I think she has been wanting to really say......it's over. 

I feel lost and sick. i can't believe I'm loosing my wife. I would have never imagined this happening. I want to...


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## JAE

okeydokie said:


> i would be gone


Are you married, have you been married, this is harder than you can imagine.


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## GPR

JAE said:


> She just sent another text saying "that she needs more time, she's not doing well, she's feeling suffocated. She feels a real sadness and seems unbearable to not see or talk to him again. To be honest...not sure if she can do it. I love you and care about you, but I'm not sure if I can cut him out. I'm calling monday to set up appointment with a therapist. I'm on the verge of running."
> 
> I sent a reply. "You feel no sadness with losing me? I have to do this because I think I know you answer...choose your husband or him?"
> 
> It has been 20 minutes and no response. She is at work but I think she didn't respond because she didn't want to say wahat I think she has been wanting to really say......it's over.
> 
> I feel lost and sick. i can't believe I'm loosing my wife. I would have never imagined this happening. I want to...


It's hard. It sucks. But you have at least part of your answer sitting in front of you. She HAS feelings for him. No question about it. She's just trying to decide.

And of course she feels suffocated. She is trying to decide to stay with her husband or leave him for her "fling". Basically, she's just post-poning the decision. She might not actually know what to do, which can be 100x harder than if a spouse just ups and splits. At least there isn't as much "what if" going through your head. 

One thing you need to ask yourself right now. Not what if she leaves me. You need to think...

'WHAT IF SHE COMES BACK?'

Can you take her back, what about when she's at work with him. What happens at the next company party??????

I know it's hard, but you need to figure out if she wants to come back, can you, or will you want to have her back? And if so, under what circumstances.....

For your own sanity, you should give her a deadline. A hard fast deadline, so she doesn't drag this out and make any harder on YOU.


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## JAE

GPR said:


> It's hard. It sucks. But you have at least part of your answer sitting in front of you. She HAS feelings for him. No question about it. She's just trying to decide.
> 
> And of course she feels suffocated. She is trying to decide to stay with her husband or leave him for her "fling". Basically, she's just post-poning the decision. She might not actually know what to do, which can be 100x harder than if a spouse just ups and splits. At least there isn't as much "what if" going through your head.
> 
> One thing you need to ask yourself right now. Not what if she leaves me. You need to think...
> 
> 'WHAT IF SHE COMES BACK?'
> 
> Can you take her back, what about when she's at work with him. What happens at the next company party??????
> 
> I know it's hard, but you need to figure out if she wants to come back, can you, or will you want to have her back? And if so, under what circumstances.....
> 
> For your own sanity, you should give her a deadline. A hard fast deadline, so she doesn't drag this out and make any harder on YOU.


Thanks. 
I would take her back no questions asked, but stand the thought of her speaking with HIM. She's telling me that she was to see a therapist by herself next week. Do you I put my foot down and risk our marriage by saying all or nothing by Monday?


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## GPR

JAE said:


> Thanks.
> I would take her back no questions asked, but stand the thought of her speaking with HIM. She's telling me that she was to see a therapist by herself next week. Do you I put my foot down and risk our marriage by saying all or nothing by Monday?


First: Could it really be no questions asked? For me, it would definitely be with several questions asked, and answered to my satisfaction. And definitely never allowed to see or speak to him again. But if she works with him, that would be extremely difficult. Plus, she would have to be open with me going forward, at least for a while. 

You may want to think about it. You want her back now because she's gone, but once she's back, I have a feeling it will be a lot harder than "No questions asked". 

Second: As to the deadline, that depends. How long has she been "gone" so far? And when is the therapist appointment? And where will she be during this time? If she's been talking to him and not you during this time of being "gone", it seems as though she is leaning that way.... 

If you want to wait until she see's the therapist, that's fine, but one session isn't likely going have her mind made up. 

But the key is to say, "I need an answer by XXXXXXX, no exceptions.... And not answering will mean that it's him..."


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## JAE

GPR said:


> First: Could it really be no questions asked? For me, it would definitely be with several questions asked, and answered to my satisfaction. And definitely never allowed to see or speak to him again. But if she works with him, that would be extremely difficult. Plus, she would have to be open with me going forward, at least for a while.
> 
> You may want to think about it. You want her back now because she's gone, but once she's back, I have a feeling it will be a lot harder than "No questions asked".
> 
> Second: As to the deadline, that depends. How long has she been "gone" so far? And when is the therapist appointment? And where will she be during this time? If she's been talking to him and not you during this time of being "gone", it seems as though she is leaning that way....
> 
> If you want to wait until she see's the therapist, that's fine, but one session isn't likely going have her mind made up.
> 
> But the key is to say, "I need an answer by XXXXXXX, no exceptions.... And not answering will mean that it's him..."


Yes, I need to the answers but would love to have her back. I just got back this morning, she wasn't home and is heading to meet the guy at that event. She doesn't know that I'm home yet. She hasn't made the appointment, she will schedule it on Monday. When this cheating came up she told me that she knew that she would have to cut all ties and now she's saying that she would be miserable if she did. 

I am so confused. I think that I keep coming back to the answer; she doesn't care for me they way she did and she would rather spend her time with someone else. I just wish should would come out and say it. I don't want to give up on us and she says that she doesn't but her actions are the opposite???????


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## still reeling

You need to see a therapist as well - and I don't mean that in a bad way! You have some serious emotions going on right now and talking to someone on the best way to handle the situation and talking it through before doing anything you might "regret" later I feel is very important. Mine had an affair and it ended without me having to make ultimatums, but it doesn't make it any less painful. And you seriously need to consider that "what if she stays" - because right now you think I don't care as long as she comes back, but that will change too.... What you are going through is terrible and very painful and I am sorry for you - just know that you are not alone - hang in there....


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## okeydokie

JAE said:


> Are you married, have you been married, this is harder than you can imagine.


yeah, 20 years and 3 kids. sorry but thats just my personality, we are all different


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## JAE

okeydokie said:


> yeah, 20 years and 3 kids. sorry but thats just my personality, we are all different


Has your wife cheated? Before this happened I was very black and white with cheating. I always told myself if anything like that happened to me, done deal I'm out. I really wish it was that easy.


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## klewless

whatever you do - make sure you're ready to back it up. 

I made the mistake in our first counseling session of saying 'her or me' Her being his 'friend' 

I wasn't ready to back it up and am now working on an exit plan because he refuses to go to more counseling sessions because 'its all about how bad he is' 

Well ya its all about how bad you are - you're taking a 'friend' out and hiding it from your wife. I think you're the one with the problems.


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## GPR

JAE said:


> Yes, I need to the answers but would love to have her back. I just got back this morning, she wasn't home and is heading to meet the guy at that event. She doesn't know that I'm home yet. She hasn't made the appointment, she will schedule it on Monday. When this cheating came up she told me that she knew that she would have to cut all ties and now she's saying that she would be miserable if she did.
> 
> I am so confused. I think that I keep coming back to the answer; she doesn't care for me they way she did and she would rather spend her time with someone else. I just wish should would come out and say it. I don't want to give up on us and she says that she doesn't but her actions are the opposite???????


Like I said, and was said by still reeling.... she's gone, so naturally you want her back. 

BUT once you have her back (if she comes back) it will NOT be that simple, for you or her. That's why I said it's more difficult when there is this indecision like this. 

This is going to be painful to think about, but you NEED to think about it:

If she comes back...
-What will happen the first night you lay down together in bed? What will be going through your mind?

-How will you react if she says "I love you..."

-What about the first time she tries to become intimate? Will you think about him?

-How about if you try to be intimate with her and she turns you down? 

-What will happen when she goes back to work? How bothered will you be that he is there, and you have no way of knowing what is going on..

-Or if there is a company function later at night that she HAS to go to? We all know this happens with work stuff...

-How about the first time she comes home late from work?

-If she asks to go out with some of her girlfriends to a club or something, what will your answer be?

-What will you think anytime she gets text message or a call on her cell?

-Will you get suspicious if she's on the computer or something like that?


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## JAE

That's what scares me, backing it up. The only option if she refuses to stop talking to him is to leave her. She is the absolute love of my life. I knew marriage wasn't going to be easy but this is unheard of. I am questioning every emotion that she ever had for me. Was I just there and that's how we got together.

I have the guys number and I am tempted to confront him about. It might make me feel better right now, but I think she will get pissed? 

Thanks for all the replies, this is calming for me. I was getting worked up in a hurry again. It comes in waves.


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## GPR

JAE said:


> That's what scares me, backing it up. The only option if she refuses to stop talking to him is to leave her. She is the absolute love of my life. I knew marriage wasn't going to be easy but this is unheard of. I am questioning every emotion that she ever had for me. Was I just there and that's how we got together.
> 
> I have the guys number and I am tempted to confront him about. It might make me feel better right now, but I think she will get pissed?
> 
> Thanks for all the replies, this is calming for me. I was getting worked up in a hurry again. It comes in waves.



Don't call the guy. The ball is in her court. It's not up to him to decide. You've given her the opportunity to choose. You need to back off and let her do it. I like deadlines, but contacting him wouldn't be good. 

If you contact him and yelled at him or threatened to beat his ass or something, and she came back.... You would forever wonder if she came back because of you, or because he pushed her away.


Now, you said you are questioning every emotion she's had... now think about going forward, you will be questioning everything that she's doing for a while. 

If you think it all through and still decide you want to try to make it work if she comes back, that's great. But you need to think about it, and be darned sure that even if you think so now, it won't be a "no questions asked" type of a thing.


And you have to back it up, and stick to it. But remember, that doesn't mean that in maybe only a week or two, that she won't realize that grass really isn't greener on the other side, and her new relationship isn't quite as great as she thought it was now that it's real. Especially because a lot of the turn-on for this stuff is the rush of "being bad" and sneaking around. Sometimes when that is gone, the relationship loses some of the fire.


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## JAE

GPR said:


> Like I said, and was said by still reeling.... she's gone, so naturally you want her back.
> 
> BUT once you have her back (if she comes back) it will NOT be that simple, for you or her. That's why I said it's more difficult when there is this indecision like this.
> 
> This is going to be painful to think about, but you NEED to think about it:
> 
> If she comes back...
> -What will happen the first night you lay down together in bed? What will be going through your mind?
> 
> -How will you react if she says "I love you..."
> 
> -What about the first time she tries to become intimate? Will you think about him?
> 
> -How about if you try to be intimate with her and she turns you down?
> 
> -What will happen when she goes back to work? How bothered will you be that he is there, and you have no way of knowing what is going on..
> 
> -Or if there is a company function later at night that she HAS to go to? We all know this happens with work stuff...
> 
> -How about the first time she comes home late from work?
> 
> -If she asks to go out with some of her girlfriends to a club or something, what will your answer be?
> 
> -What will you think anytime she gets text message or a call on her cell?
> 
> -Will you get suspicious if she's on the computer or something like that?


You are right, these are horrible. And the thoughts in my head aren't much better. I don't know if I have a solid answer for any of these. I would do anything to turn back time and somehow stop this from happening. Maybe I can't handle it? I hate that she is making the decision, when she is the one that cheated. I know I can, but I truly feel that a light is going to turn on for her and she going to realize how much we need each other. I'm probably in my own little world on this one.


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## dcrim

My xgf was seeing another man. Said they were friends, just sitting on the porch having a beer. I was ok with that. Then I found out (much later) she was really screwing him. Then she cheated on me again. 

After 3.5 years of what (I thought) was a good relationship, she dumped me and married her 2nd cheat for his money. She's out of my life now. You need to be thinking of YOUR exit plan. 

If she did this once, she'll do it again. And likely for the same reasons my xgf did -- she liked the attention. 

I do feel so sorry for what you're going through. Very conflicting and painful. 

I would've gone ballistic with the initial cuddling remark, let alone the later revelation of kissing him! And why would she possibly need to sleep in his bed?!? She done did it, dude. You know in your heart she did. 

Now it's time for you to figure out what you were not providing her, learn to do so for your next relationship, and get rid of her. There's no excuse for cheating. There may be reasons; but not excuses!


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## GPR

JAE said:


> You are right, these are horrible. And the thoughts in my head aren't much better. I don't know if I have a solid answer for any of these. I would do anything to turn back time and somehow stop this from happening. Maybe I can't handle it? I hate that she is making the decision, when she is the one that cheated. I know I can, but I truly feel that a light is going to turn on for her and she going to realize how much we need each other. I'm probably in my own little world on this one.


Yeah, you can't turn back time. That you need to realize too. 

I don't want you to think that you should just leave her, because I'm not. Me personally, I would've left her at the initial "slept in the bed and cuddling" thing, but it's your decision. I just want you to realize that "just getting her home" isn't the solution... it's only the beginning of a long and painful process for both of you. There are several stories on this forum were something like this has happened, and after a lot of time and hard work, they worked it out, and even ended up with a stronger relationship that before. There are many others that ended in heartbreak and never recovered.

Basically, you need to stop thinking about the why she did this, and start thinking about, "What do I want going forward". 

She is not the decision maker... You are the decision maker. You have decided to let her have time to sort things out and make a decision. You could at any time say "Screw you, don't come home..." and be done with that part of it. 

Maybe a Monday deadline wouldn't be bad. Because maybe after some thought and time on your part, you might come to a more definitive decision yourself. Maybe you'll decide you don't want her back, and then you can make the decision for her. Maybe that's what she's actually waiting for.


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## GPR

Honestly, if you really want to know what I would do.... 

Since she's not at home, I would be at home changing the locks and boxing up her crap right now...


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## JAE

It really has crossed my mind, a LOT worse has too. I never have and I never would, but I came so close to hitting her the night she told me she kissed him. My rage almost took over my body. 

Right now she is talking to him. Is she telling him the situation? Is she telling him that it's over with him or me? Did she kiss him? Is he trying to be "supportive" and holding her? Is he working his angle? I am really close to driving to the town they are at and finding out.


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## JAE

I gave her until Monday. I told her it is black and white; me or him, nothing in between. 

I hope she makes the right choice, I don't know what I would do without her. I have never felt so sick and empty.


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## Blue Cloud

It will be the hardest decision you will have to make, however, you need to be prepared to let her go. Actually, she chose to go. You will feel like your chest is caving in and it will be difficult, however, it does no one any good holding on to this relationship - especially you. Life will go on, and keep yourself occupied so it does. Surround yourself with loved ones, exercise and play sports, do anything to keep yourself distracted. If she loves you, then she will work to keep you, otherwise the relationship will be a cancer in your life. Whatever happens, avoid making decisions out of anger - those decisions lead to regret. As hard as it may be, it's not about losing someone you love, it's about being in relationship where both parties love each other.


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## Initfortheduration

Giving her till Monday is a major risk. She is likely to stay gone for the whole weekend and end up having sex with him. You should file for divorce immediately and have her served. She needs to be woken up. Confront the man, out her to her family and your family. You don't have to sign the divorce. Also separate all finances.


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## JAE

Blue Cloud said:


> It will be the hardest decision you will have to make, however, you need to be prepared to let her go. Actually, she chose to go. You will feel like your chest is caving in and it will be difficult, however, it does no one any good holding on to this relationship - especially you. Life will go on, and keep yourself occupied so it does. Surround yourself with loved ones, exercise and play sports, do anything to keep yourself distracted. If she loves you, then she will work to keep you, otherwise the relationship will be a cancer in your life. Whatever happens, avoid making decisions out of anger - those decisions lead to regret. As hard as it may be, it's not about losing someone you love, it's about being in relationship where both parties love each other.


I told her she has until Monday, now I am regretting I didn't say choose now! Should I change the time to today? The fact that she went to talk to him and is there for that relationship should tell me something but I just can't let go that easy. At the same time, the longer I sit here wondering what they talking about or doing, I am starting to resent her. Do I tell her I feeling this way or do I give her the time that I already told her? Please give advice if you have been through this.


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## GPR

JAE said:


> I told her she has until Monday, now I am regretting I didn't say choose now! Should I change the time to today? The fact that she went to talk to him and is there for that relationship should tell me something but I just can't let go that easy. At the same time, the longer I sit here wondering what they talking about or doing, I am starting to resent her. Do I tell her I feeling this way or do I give her the time that I already told her? Please give advice if you have been through this.


This is what I was talking about. At first, you just want her back, but as time goes on, the resentment and pain start to build. Just realize, this won't get better, it will only get worse in the near future and for some time.

As far as the deadline, me personally, I would have made the choice for her and told her to hit the bricks. You seemed like you really wanted her back and would be willing to forgive her. So Monday seemed like a good amount of time for BOTH you and her to think things out. 

And honestly, even if you don't realize it or don't feel it, you ARE in the drivers seat here. If you want a decision NOW. Tell her you want it NOW. If she doesn't want to make one, that would be more than enough information for me. 

Think about this... Do you really want to be with someone who has done the things that she has done, and then takes this long to decide if she wants to be with you or not? After all this time being together? Really process that...

If she comes back, how committed can she really be to making your relationship work if it takes her DAYS (while with another guy mind you) to figure out if she wants to be with her.... HUSBAND?!?!?!


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## JAE

GPR Thanks for listening. I sent her a text and left a message telling her I need to know today and need her home today. We will see what happens. I told her all of concerns about her taking too much time to decide. It's early here but I haven't heard back from her yet. I know she has to make the right decision, so least we can work on making this right again. I have barely slept the last 3 nights.


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## GPR

Good... let us know what she says.

If she text back and says something to the effect of "I'm not sure" or "I need more time"... you simply have to tell her that you'll take that as a HIM...

Seriously, I know it hurts like hell, but if it's really that tough of a decision for her.... it won't work out even if she does come back. You will have consistent pain and resentment towards her and she will always be wondering "What If". And as soon as it gets a little hard, she'll run back to him. She won't put in the effort. 

And her just leaving now, while it sucks and hurts now, will be a LOT less painful for you overall. 

And I would almost bet she's delaying it hoping that you will make the decision so she doesn't have to.

So let us know what happens.


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## JAE

She is headed home now. She said she just needed time. I feel that when she gets home I should sit down and make rules. Anything that reminds her of him gets tossed. If he calls/emails/text I need to know. She needs to remove him from her friends list. Does this sound too controlling? I just want to start fresh with her and I want to avoid as many triggers as possible. Should I share this thread with her? Has doing that helped anyone here?


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## Initfortheduration

Its called giving her boundaries. since she doesn't have them, you need to create them. No, you aren't being to controlling. The other thing you need to do is to separate finances. Close or remove her from any joint accounts. If you can't trust her with your heart, you can't trust her with your money. JMHO


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## Blue Cloud

I am not sure if giving her an ultimatum is the right way to go. Forcing her into a decision may make her feel like you understand her even less. Having that said, waiting around for her while she "finds herself" is very unfair and difficult for you. What you need is closure. Trust me, things being over is much better than you not knowing if she loves you for the next several weeks, months, or even years if it becomes drawn out. You can at least move on with life.

Be a loving husband to the very end. Tell her you will always love her and care for her (as you do), but since her heart has moved on, let her know it will be best for both of you to move on. Speak to her as a loving husband. I know it is very difficult, by try not to get angry or frustrated with her. If she loves you, she will stay with you and end things with the other guy without you having to force her. If she choses to leave, than her heart has really moved on, and it would be best for you to move on, as well. If you are mean to her and things do not work out, you may regret it. You will never regret being an understanding and loving husband.

Again, in the mean time, keep yourself occupied. Don't just stay at home, waiting for her call or response. Keep yourself distracted, and remember and do the things you enjoyed in life before you met her. Prepare to move on now. It will make it easier if the time ever comes.


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## GPR

Got any updates? What happened over the weekend while she came home?

And yes, what you were saying is not controlling at all. If she's not willing to give those things up, she really doesn't want to be with you.


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## JAE

We argued and talked. She feels she needs to see a therapist for herself first. I agree. BUT she still doesn't think she can cut ties with him. I told her multiple times to just do it already and end it. She didn't, so how do I take to that? No matter what is posted here by everyone, I will more and likely wait it out. I have no choice, I can take a beating for a little bit. She left today for a couple days. I would hope that she doesn't see him, I know that she has texted him already yesterday and today. She says that she knows doing all of this is wrong, but yet she won't stop. I'm so confused by the thought of that. I have told her I would cut ties from anyone to be with her and she can't cut ties with the man she kissed. I know that I should be able to see what's right in front of me, but I think she will realize what to do. 

Something else that came up, he said that he loved her. I listened to her voicemail (I know that is invasive and wrong, but I'm at the point of needing to know everything and not caring) and he left her a message that ended with "i love you, I know I shouldn't but I do." She tried to write it off as just something he said. I was pretty furious, hearing another man tell your wife he loves her. Then another message he said that I was "bad news." We talked about it, she had excuses for him. I told her bottom line is that he loves you and thinks that I am bad news, what does that tell you about the relationship? He wants way more than a friendship. I fear what I might do if I run into this guy. I am almost tempted to drive to his house. Not a good idea, but the thought goes through my head everyday.

I know all responses to everything I just said; I should leave because she is done with me, it's obvious she cares for him more, she would rather be with and talk with him now than me. I guess i just need to hit rock bottom and then I will realize I need to move on. Just saying that makes me cry. I really hope that she comes to before I hit bottom. I am willing to wait as long as I can, but there is NO way I will work on our relationship with him in the picture. I think that if/when I hit bottom I will be full of hate for her and I fear I would not be able to come out of that.

I don't know just how she is feeling inside but I wish should could feel how I broken I am. I had to work today and was never so out of it in my entire life. Every free second my mind was wondering.

I texted her to come home when she is ready to work on our marriage. She didn't respond. But then I asked where she was staying and she responded. 

The most difficult part about this is that she has always been there for me to talk things through and now shes gone. As I'm sitting I hear cars pull up and I jump hoping she is going to be there. I am so messed up over this. I think that what caused this, I wasn't listening to her closely enough.

I haven't told my friends or family because I couldn't handle the thought of one them saying something negative about her. Even if this is the end for us, no one close to me will be able to talk bad about her. I couldn't handle hearing it.

This is so long, I apologize. Has anyone's spouse reacted this way (not welling to let go of him) and the marriage survived?


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## GPR

First, just where is she going when she "leaves for a couple days"??? And what is she doing?

And, you didn't stick to your ultimatum and that's the worst thing you could've done. 

You now know that he loves her. That obviously means something considering the fact that "she cannot cut ties with him". But she comes back home even though she's not sure. Is she expecting to be able to keep both of you?

If she's still gone, tell her she can not step foot back in the door unless she completely cuts ties, 100%, no exceptions. If not, stay gone!!!


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## SaxonMan

JAE. You're not going to like what I have to say, but, as painful as it may be to hear (and I am very sorry for that), I feel you need some reality injected into this situation.

Your wife HAS been sleeping with this guy. Multiple times. It is an ongoing relationship - and a full relationship. Intimacy and all.

All the time this "negotiation" is going on, she is still sleeping with him.
I can hear you telling yourself that it was just a kiss, cuddle, etc.., but sometimes it takes somebody outside of the situation to see things that are so clear to see.

Now, that being a given, you have to decide what you want to do now that your wife has cheated - and is continuing to do so. Please stop kidding yourself.

I would have thought that the very first prerequisite for getting over the infidelity would be for the infidelity to stop. She's not even giving you that right now.

Believe me, I know exactly what it is like to feel like you have had all the power taken away from you in a situation like this, but we have to remember that ultimately you DO have power. You have the power to tell yourself that you're worth far more than this. You DESERVE to be treated right. I can tell that you are deeply in love with this woman. That is at the same time beautiful to see and deeply sad. It sucks, I know, but sometimes you're fed the crap and you have no option than to react. I wish there was another way. I haven't found it yet.

Your only option is to try to be true to yourself and TAKE control back. Unfortunately, the only way to do that right now is to walk. 
She's not in this thing with you any more, so you're on your own.

I'm so very sorry.


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## michzz

:iagree:


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## dcrim

JAE, I am so sorry for what you're enduring. I, too, know exactly what it feels like. Only I got it all at once (at the end)...not paraded in front of me. 

Listen to what the others here are telling you. Act on it. Start moving. 

My xgf actually came by my place this past Monday (my day off). She rang/knocked 3 times (that I opened the door for). The first I just looked at her and slammed the door. The 2nd she asked for her flag (military burial service) and I said I'd get it to her. The 3rd time she asked if we could talk - I simply said "no" and slammed the door again. She left. 

I'm over her and never want to have anything to do with her again. But I was surprised at my reaction to seeing her. 

You have to start the exit process. The way things are, she has the power and you have the suffering. You WILL heal, but it will take longer than a day or a week or a month.


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## NothingMan

Ok dude, this is the plan. Remove her from any joint account. If its your place (your name on the lease or whatever) tell her she has 24 hours to come get her ****. If she doesnt show, put it out on the front lawn.

Second, and not recommended. This is what I would do. I would find this dude and kick the ever loving **** out of him. Twice. You may have to spend a few days in the pokey. It's time men started standing up for themselves. If everyone who rubbed another man's rhubarb got his ass kicked for it, they may start thinking twice.

Before I started dating my wife, I explained to her in no uncertain terms that I will not date any woman who is also dating other people. If I was to be romantically or emotionally involved with a woman I was going to be the ONLY man involved. I dont play well with others and I sure as hell aint gonna share my woman.

Before we got engaged, I explained to my wife that under no circumstances was cheating, even a single kiss, ok or forgivable. Its a one and done rule. You do it, your gone.

Before I married my wife, I explained to her that if my wife was to cheat on me with another man (or woman) all previous rules are now null and void. The new rule is the rule of .357. If she cheats she knows full well I would end him. I know, It makes me sound crazy, but she really KNOWS it to be true. If it someday lands me in jail, so be it.

The point is this. If men knew that husbands would kill them for having relations with their wives, they would think twice. It would go a long way to limiting the pool of potential cheaters.

Its kind of like how i feel about the death penalty. People say its not a deterrent and I am apt to believe them. Of course, the only reason why it isnt one is because we dont use it often enough. If we used it all the time, it would be.

If it were me, id be kicking this guys ass on the daily. Until I was arrested of course.



John


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## JAE

So many different emotions everyday! 

I don't think she is sleeping with him, I could be in denial. If it comes out that she did/has and has been lying this entire time then I don't know? 

I think of doing many bad things to HIM everyday. I have his address and think about driving there everyday. The only thing that is stopping me is the fear that I would truly not be able to stop myself. I am a very peaceful person but this has brought out such anger that I know I would do more than just punch him a couple times.

I feel better today. I have gone to the gym everyday for the past 4 days and have been working. Keeping my mind and body busy hasn't allowed for my mind to wonder. 

I did tell her not to come home until she is ready to work on our marriage. When I say that I mean with him out of the picture completely. When/IF she comes back that is what it will be. No matter what she is the best, but I don't deserve to be treated as 2nd. I feel this will work out for us. Maybe that is ignorance and denial, but I still can't imagine my life without her. The day I can imagine my life without her is the day that it will be over. If I reach that day, I have lost all love for her and that would crush me more than the betrayal.


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## Blue Cloud

JAE, I know you may think there is no life after her, however, there really is - and it will be a much better life than what you are experiencing now. The key is that you have to let go. Although, I agree with the jist of what has been said in this thread, don't be angry. Anger just fuels the pain in your chest.

Don't wait for her decision, the decision has long been made. You need closure. Waiting for her will eat away at you. Again, tell her you love her and tell her she has made her choice and tell her goodbye. Make the preparations to have the separation a clean one. Don't wait for her call after, and move on with life and keep yourself occupied (as you have been doing - good job, you may be in the best physical shape of you life after this relationship). Hang out with good friends and although it may be long and agonizing, the pain will slowly subside. A better life awaits.


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## student of life

*similar situation...*

First, I am a new user. I joined this site to see if anyone could help me with a situation that I am going through in my marriage. This thread is similar to that situation in some respects. Please know this first, I am a female and not the one attached to JAE. I am, however, a female who has made a wonderful friendship with a male co-worker (Joe). My husband is the jealous type so I was afraid to let him in on how close Joe and I were becoming, even though he knows that I make friends with men easier than women. Long of the Short is that he checked phone records and jumped to the conclusion that I was cheating. Since then, we have seen a counselor and have worked things out. Unfortunately, I know that Joe kinda had a bit of a crush on me. He would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage nor would I. My husband has come to terms that I still see Joe at work and will see him socially with friends. But we talk often. More than my husband knows, but I am afraid to tell him. Joe is a great person and I have wonderful conversations with him. We laugh and joke all the time. 

My husband is a wonderful man and I love him very much. Our one year anniversary is close and we have had our share of problems, but we love each other. Our first year of marriage hasn't been a financial dream. We don't get to do many fun and exciting things and we find ourselves in a boring rut more often than not. I think that is the reason that I reached out to Joe. He is fun and new. And he compliments me all the time. Like my husband used to. 

I guess I don't really have just one question, and JAE, I don't mean to hijack your thread, but your situation was all too familiar in someways. I just need to know if what I am going through is normal.  I don't think my friendship with Joe is wrong, although I do need to tell my husband. I just want some outside opinions on my situation. 

Thanks.


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## NothingMan

*Re: similar situation...*



student of life said:


> First, I am a new user. I joined this site to see if anyone could help me with a situation that I am going through in my marriage. This thread is similar to that situation in some respects. Please know this first, I am a female and not the one attached to JAE. I am, however, a female who has made a wonderful friendship with a male co-worker (Joe). My husband is the jealous type so I was afraid to let him in on how close Joe and I were becoming, even though he knows that I make friends with men easier than women. Long of the Short is that he checked phone records and jumped to the conclusion that I was cheating. Since then, we have seen a counselor and have worked things out. Unfortunately, I know that Joe kinda had a bit of a crush on me. He would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage nor would I. My husband has come to terms that I still see Joe at work and will see him socially with friends. But we talk often. More than my husband knows, but I am afraid to tell him. Joe is a great person and I have wonderful conversations with him. We laugh and joke all the time.
> 
> My husband is a wonderful man and I love him very much. Our one year anniversary is close and we have had our share of problems, but we love each other. Our first year of marriage hasn't been a financial dream. We don't get to do many fun and exciting things and we find ourselves in a boring rut more often than not. I think that is the reason that I reached out to Joe. He is fun and new. And he compliments me all the time. Like my husband used to.
> 
> I guess I don't really have just one question, and JAE, I don't mean to hijack your thread, but your situation was all too familiar in someways. I just need to know if what I am going through is normal.  I don't think my friendship with Joe is wrong, although I do need to tell my husband. I just want some outside opinions on my situation.
> 
> Thanks.



If you are hiding parts of this alleged friendship from your husband, that should tell you all you need to know. What is with women and needing attenton all the time or they run off and find someone who will give it to them? I just dont get it. Tell your husband what you need out of your marriage. If he doesnt do it, get a divorce then go find joe.

Newsflash. Men dont become friends with women just to be friends. We are ALWAYS after sex with you. This is the reason why your husband got "jealous" of joe. Because he knows what Joe ultimately wants. If you think Joe would "never do anything to jeopardize your marriage, think again...he already has. Joe doesnt want to be just friends, he doesnt want to be your husband, he just wants to have sex with you. The sooner you realize that, the better.




John


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## GPR

JAE said:


> So many different emotions everyday!
> 
> I don't think she is sleeping with him, I could be in denial. If it comes out that she did/has and has been lying this entire time then I don't know?


If I had to guess, I think she probably has slept with him. You know they've spent the night together at least.

But whether they have or haven't isn't the point, and shouldn't change things much. She obviously has some type of feelings for him. If she didn't, she wouldn't be risking her marriage this relationship. And after that, it's just a matter of time. 



JAE said:


> I think of doing many bad things to HIM everyday. I have his address and think about driving there everyday. The only thing that is stopping me is the fear that I would truly not be able to stop myself. I am a very peaceful person but this has brought out such anger that I know I would do more than just punch him a couple times.


Why are you blaming him? Yeah, he is there and he started this with a married woman, but your wife is the one you should be mad at. She's not some innocent victim in this. It's not like he tricked her into all of this... BE MAD AT HER!!! She is the one causing all of your pain, not him. I would drive myself crazy if I got pissed off at every guy that hit on my wife, it happens all the time... but you need to have the trust in your wife that she loves you and respects you enough to not reciprocate, and your wife obviously has none of this. 

BE MAD AT HER. SHE IS THE ONE CAUSING YOU THE PAIN!!!



JAE said:


> I feel better today. I have gone to the gym everyday for the past 4 days and have been working. Keeping my mind and body busy hasn't allowed for my mind to wonder.


This is good. Keep this up. Exercise, go out with friends. You need to just take care of you.




JAE said:


> I did tell her not to come home until she is ready to work on our marriage. When I say that I mean with him out of the picture completely. When/IF she comes back that is what it will be. No matter what she is the best, but I don't deserve to be treated as 2nd. I feel this will work out for us. Maybe that is ignorance and denial, but I still can't imagine my life without her. The day I can imagine my life without her is the day that it will be over. If I reach that day, I have lost all love for her and that would crush me more than the betrayal.


I think you are in denial. I'm not trying to be mean, but how long is it that she's been trying to "decide". Well over a week I think now. And has she gone to her Therapist yet?

The one thing you have right is that she is treating you as 2nd. Think about how long it would take you to decide?

I want you to answer this question... Why do you think it is taking this long?

You need to tell her it's over. I know you still love her, but how much you love her really doesn't matter right now. She's not home, and she's with another guy while you are sitting at home waiting on her. You've told her how you feel, and she doesn't give a ****. She is being selfish and hurting. Just tell her it's over, and get some closure on the situation.


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## beyond betrayal

I am sorry you are going through this. I'm going through something similar and yes the emotional rages come in waves. Sometimes I'm happy, sad, angry. In my situation I found out through text messages he admitted and fortunately I had the opportunity to lay hands on the chick cause she was a friend of mine. Anywho I felt how you feel and still do. How can I live without this man that I've loved and been my best friend for 12 years? I'd give anything to make it go back. He cut all ties with her and I tried to not bring up any questions but could not. Its been 2 weeks and I wanted to know everything and I hate that now I do. Some details would have been better left unsaid. Like someone else posted being intimate with him again almost killed me. Yesterday was the first time he touched me and I didn't think about her but when I do the pain lingers. Why was I not enough???? He says its him and he just messed up. Luckily his relationship was about sex and not a connection.
Think thing I wish your wife would admit is that she is having an affair. She is sleeping with him and I don't appreciate the mind games she's playing with you. I do know she's afraid to lose either of you. And believe it or not right now but she cares for you. She's just being the most self woman in the world right now and for that she should be ashamed. No man should come before you or after you for that matter.
Like everyone else said put your foot down! I know right now is not the time to make real decisions on being with her because everything is emotional right now. But you have to think for you. Not whats best for her. She's doing enough of that already. Its you or him. Flat out!
Its okay to love someone. I had a husband that I absolutely adored and suddenly he started doing the exact same thing. No matter how I tried to make it work he wanted his cake and eat it too. I am now divorced. Happily divorced. I learned to put myself first. 
I'm happy now but still facing issues in my current relationship. Coming here has helped me. I hope in some way this helps you. I think you're a great guy. Do something that makes you happy. Whatever you love. Take a trip. Buy that new gadget you wanted. Anything. Get your mind off it a sec. I know its easier said than done. I said a quick prayer for you. God bless.


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## ShuffleUp

JAE - i have a very similar situation as yours. I was in denial about the extent of the relationship 6 weeks to 2 months ag, and even before that when I ignored a 'friendship' that I shouldn't have, but I am not anymore. I am not saying you are in denial or that more happened because I don't pretend to know more about your situation than what you have relayed. But it really doesn't change what you need to do anyway. 

I am about 2 months further down the road than you are. Some will say you need to make an ultimatum and others will say no. You have to decide in your case. What I write below is about my case. I did not make an ultimatum early enough and it caused me more pain, frustration, and agony. 

I have made one within the last week and I will paste in the agreements that I asked for below, then I will come back later (after letting the suspense build!), to tell you what happened after I gave this list to her. I want to do it that way so you can think about my state of mind which was indifference, without knowing what happened because you have to get to the point where you ask for everything you NEED without knowing the outcome. 

Here is is - again, some of this will be different based on my case, but it is essentially just defining marriage anyway so if you are not prepared to ask for these things then resolution is farther away than what will be comfortable for you, in my opinion.

Also as I said this has only happened within the last week so there will be much more to unfold but wanted to share this with you because it helped create much more resolution than I had before:

----------------------------------------------------------

{Wife’s Name} - when we talked about expectations before I gave you a really simple one - be committed to me. Well - that didn't work. This is my more descriptive list. I want you to look at this honestly and be truthful with yourself and with me on your answers on each one. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. We will both be miserable forever if you do that. Just answer each question yes or no and send it back to me today. You can't mull this over for weeks you have had plenty of time. I would also like something from you - a few sentences - that tells me in your own words what you plan to do, if you do answer yes to all of these. I'm not trying to be mean, I just need something from you - some statement that is in your own words that makes me know that you "get it." 

1. Do you accept that starting right now, and for the rest of your entire life, forever, you are not able to ever have any contact with your affair partner, {Affair Partner’s Name}? You can’t be his friend and he can’t be yours, and you can’t call to say hi or check on him. This is critical for our marriage and is non-negotiable. This means any and all forms of communication - including emails, text messages, phone calls, in person visits or encounters, and even routing messages through any relative or friend is not acceptable under any circumstances no matter for what innocent purpose or no matter how briefly? Yes or No?

2. Are you willing to invest time and attention to learning about what a Christian marriage means and adopting these principles and ideals as how we will go forward with our marriage? This does not mean you go to church on Sunday and sit through the praise and worship and sermon then the rest of the week you are free to behave however you want to, and so you wake up Monday morning and go to work and call {Affair Partner’s Name}. This is a way of living everyday of your life and devoting your efforts to doing right by your family, all the time. Here are some ideas of what this means: {Link} Yes or No?

3. Do you know that what you have done is wrong to me and our marriage, and very hurtful and inappropriate and has to be turned away from immediately, as in right now? Yes or No?

4. I won’t continue on with the lack of respect and blatant disregard for my feelings anymore. The contempt that you have shown is unbelievable to me. Do you believe that I am deserving of more respect and a better marriage than what you have given me over the last several years? Yes or No?

5. Are you open to showing and embracing normal expectations in a marriage of open communication, displays of love, intimacy, affection, and passion, in order to make this a fulfilling marriage in all ways? If you don't know what these are, then we can discuss with the counselor and with her guidance I can tell you my expectations, but are you open to it and do you see yourself participating willingly and not just tolerating these ideas? I am not going to be just a roommate to you, and we aren't just going to "hang out." Note that while you may not have feelings of this now, that they will come more naturally once you have made the decision to throw yourself into this marriage and turn away from your affair completely, which you clearly have not done up to now. I do not mean the affection will come instantly today, but I mean in the near term - weeks, not many months or years? Yes or No?

6. Will you stop using and thinking of the word 'try' in our marriage, and instead make an active and meaningful commitment to making choices and decisions that you are in control of in order to make our marriage better in all ways? Yes or No?

7. Be accountable for where you go, who you go with, and what positions you put yourself in. I know this is hard for you. But you are not going to have my trust right away, especially since you have continued to violate it throughout a time I thought you were trying to work on our marriage. My trust will build over time, but it is completely gone today as I write this. Do you understand and accept this? Yes or No.

8. I doubt that at this point any of your friends or relatives are encouraging you to dissolve your family and go be with {Affair Partner’s Name}. I think that probably you are the only person trying to hold onto this. But I could be wrong. If you find yourself in a conversation that is not supportive of the marriage, this is going to eat away at you and cause doubt and resentment to me, which I have already had enough of. I am asking you to carefully decide the topics you will and will not talk about with people who are not supportive of the marriage, if there are people like that. Are you in agreement? Yes or No. 

9. I do not want to hear that I have not given you enough time to cut him out of your life, or enough chances to make decisions to end your affair. I did not choose this for us, you did - and you need to have concern for my feelings right now because your feelings have gotten in the way of progress with me. I have given plenty of chances, maybe too many, and I am totally done with chances. Do you understand that your expectation of what the timeline should be for cutting him out of your life is completely immaterial to me, and that you need to immediately make this right? Yes or No?

10. The notion that I am being controlling that you have referred to - do you understand that my behavior is a consequence of your decisions? Do you accept that you are in control of your choices and it is in your power to regain my trust? If I were in control of your behavior this would have been resolved long ago. Are you willing to stop blaming this situation for flaws that exist in any man and that I am improving on, and instead focus on the choices that you are making and have made which has put this marriage in extreme jeopardy? I am not saying that I will not continue as I have to make improvements on all of the areas that you have cited, I am saying quit blaming me for this and accept responsibility and be accountable for your actions. Do you understand that? Yes or No?

11. Are you willing to continue going to marriage counseling with me, weekly, for several months depending on the progress that I see, as we both learn about how to improve our marriage? Yes or No? 

12. Do you accept that aside from the very clear and unambiguous expectation in number 1 above, that you can not have any other emotional/romantic/physical affairs outside the marriage? Yes or No?

13. I believe that a lot of marriage is about willingness to make choices that will bring happiness to your family and to your spouse. This involves making sacrifices in some areas of your life. Because of some of your comments about not wanting me to "feel like I won" if you make steps towards re-establishing our marriage, I am incredibly shocked and concerned that you have some stubbornness and resentment towards me with regards to your desires to make me happy. You need to get over that attitude right now to make this work. If you are mad at me about something then tell it to me - don't continue to punish me with this resentment without me knowing what I did wrong. I am done with this "anger" you claim to have for me that has no justifiable explanation. Are you committed to make me happy as a spouse in this marriage? (Note I did not use the word 'try') Yes or No?

14. Your current mindset is causing you to not fully embrace being in the marriage. I do not know why I am still here either but stop questioning it. Are you willing to love me like you are forgiven, rather than having this failure mentality? Yes or No?

15. I do not want you to question my motives or my love or commitment for you. That should be clear by my willingness to accept and to work on this with you not just in the last 6 weeks, but for that matter since I first found out you and {Affair Partner’s Name} were talking over a year ago. I have stuck it out this long but I am now at a tipping point. To be completely clear, while you have made a few steps forward in the last month, your steps backward are too painful for me to continue to bear and I shouldn't have to, and I will not. Life is too short for me to go through this drama when I am a man capable of having a real relationship with someone who knows integrity. When you backslide, fail, mess up, whatever you want to call it - it makes me want to give up. This list isn't about me being controlling - I have already told you not to come home, that you could go away, and to let me go if you don't want to have a real marriage. If these things on this list put you in too much of a box, then we won't be together. I am giving you boundaries because you have none of your own. 
I will not have this kind of drama and infidelity in my marriage - if you want that, then go do it elsewhere. I will go start a family with someone else who respects the type of man and excellent father that I am. But you said you don't want that to happen. So make decisions in your life that reflect what you are telling me and make it real and quit faltering right now. There can be no excuses - they have all run out. You are human, yes, but you have more than used up all of your allowable mistakes in this area and this tells me that you do not have value for our marriage, our family, for me, and that you are incapable of making our marriage important enough to make right. My patience for this is completely gone with the continued excuses. So this list is not about me trying to force you to do anything, you can tell me that you can't do it and I would rather you tell me that than continue to violate these ideas that any reasonable man should request. I will be happier without you than I will be if you pretend to be my wife but can’t do these things. I am not holding a gun to your head in this list. But what I am saying is that there are certain ingredients that need to happen for me to even consider it worth continuing to work for our marriage and those I have listed above. I can't go on with this without some real commitments and honest improvements. Do you know that the consequences of failing in the areas above, is Divorce? Yes or No?


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## SaxonMan

*Re: similar situation...*



NothingMan said:


> Newsflash. Men dont become friends with women just to be friends. We are ALWAYS after sex with you. This is the reason why your husband got "jealous" of joe. Because he knows what Joe ultimately wants. If you think Joe would "never do anything to jeopardize your marriage, think again...he already has. Joe doesnt want to be just friends, he doesnt want to be your husband, he just wants to have sex with you. The sooner you realize that, the better.


:iagree:


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## GPR

SHuffleUp, that's a good list. JAE needs to read that first and really think if his wife would be able to do these things.


And again, IMO, the fact that from all of her comments and responses to your requests so far, that she would not be able to get past #1 right here.... says a lot.



ShuffleUp said:


> 1. Do you accept that starting right now, and for the rest of your entire life, forever, you are not able to ever have any contact with your affair partner, {Affair Partner’s Name}? You can’t be his friend and he can’t be yours, and you can’t call to say hi or check on him. This is critical for our marriage and is non-negotiable. This means any and all forms of communication - including emails, text messages, phone calls, in person visits or encounters, and even routing messages through any relative or friend is not acceptable under any circumstances no matter for what innocent purpose or no matter how briefly? Yes or No?


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## JAE

I need to hear the closure from her. Even if she has given up on our relationship, has cheated in whatever degree, and is completely distant, I can't be the one to end it. I can't bring myself to give up on us. She has to end with me in person, I need to hear the words "it's over." I think that is probably a sign of weakness or fear on my part. I won't allow myself to go through anything with him in the picture, but I won't end my "perfect life" with her either. She needs to do it. I don't know if I need that so I will hate her or if I am just too much of a puss. 

The reason I think about beating the life out of HIM is because he knew what he was doing. A man should know not to go after a married woman. I know the responses to this; shouldn't she know. The thing is I am mad, hurt, pissed and everything you can think towards her, but I love her. I have zero connection to HIM and I would feel great letting my rage out on HIM.

I think of the first day I saw her, I was in love instantly. Our first date, our first kiss, our first everything...I miss her. I'm so sad. I was doing better, then today it hit me again.

Her dad had called to check up on her because he hadn't heard from her, which is very out of character. I lied to him and told him that her phone has been acting up, she was at work and I would make sure she called him. I felt horrible. He is a great man and I had to lie. 

I would take her back, do I know things would work out? No, but I have to try. 

The longer she stays gone, the more I wonder how much she still loves me? Is she trying to get me to do the dirty work? Does she just need to time to clear her head? Is she even thinking about us? I haven't called to see where she is (been 3 days), should I? 

Shuffle- So what was the outcome?


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## JAE

*Re: similar situation...*



student of life said:


> First, I am a new user. I joined this site to see if anyone could help me with a situation that I am going through in my marriage. This thread is similar to that situation in some respects. Please know this first, I am a female and not the one attached to JAE. I am, however, a female who has made a wonderful friendship with a male co-worker (Joe). My husband is the jealous type so I was afraid to let him in on how close Joe and I were becoming, even though he knows that I make friends with men easier than women. Long of the Short is that he checked phone records and jumped to the conclusion that I was cheating. Since then, we have seen a counselor and have worked things out. Unfortunately, I know that Joe kinda had a bit of a crush on me. He would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage nor would I. My husband has come to terms that I still see Joe at work and will see him socially with friends. But we talk often. More than my husband knows, but I am afraid to tell him. Joe is a great person and I have wonderful conversations with him. We laugh and joke all the time.
> 
> My husband is a wonderful man and I love him very much. Our one year anniversary is close and we have had our share of problems, but we love each other. Our first year of marriage hasn't been a financial dream. We don't get to do many fun and exciting things and we find ourselves in a boring rut more often than not. I think that is the reason that I reached out to Joe. He is fun and new. And he compliments me all the time. Like my husband used to.
> 
> I guess I don't really have just one question, and JAE, I don't mean to hijack your thread, but your situation was all too familiar in someways. I just need to know if what I am going through is normal.  I don't think my friendship with Joe is wrong, although I do need to tell my husband. I just want some outside opinions on my situation.
> 
> Thanks.


This is exactly how it started. If you want to crush your husband's soul continue to do what your doing. If you don't want him to feel the pain I am feeling, don't speak to the other guy or just leave your husband. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise, this is more than a friendship or soon will be. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

Also you make the choice if you are going to have fun with your husband or not. My wife had mentioned this to me, that she has fun with him and enjoys his company. You choose to have fun with this other guy and not your husband. If your husband isn't doing something, then you have to tell him. And I don''t mean to come across bitter, but the guy is giving you compliments so he can get "close" to you. Would you be comfortable with your husband treating another woman the way this guy is treating you? Would you like your husband to have conversations with another woman like the ones you are having with this guy?


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## NothingMan

Personally, I think most men cheat for sex. I think most women cheat for attention. Men and Women are different in sooo many ways it makes sense to me the reasons for cheating would also be different.




John


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## NothingMan

*Re: similar situation...*



JAE said:


> And I don''t mean to come across bitter, but the guy is giving you compliments so he can get "close" to you. Would you be comfortable with your husband treating another woman the way this guy is treating you? Would you like your husband to have conversations with another woman like the ones you are having with this guy?


This is what Im saying. He is single. He doesnt have the responsibilities of a married man and therefore has more time on his hands to spend making her feel special. He knows she is in a relationship and therefore the risk of turning the affair into a relationship is even lower. It's like an opportunity for no strings attached sex. He doesnt love her, he just wants to bang her. How can women repeatedly be so blind to what is so obvious to us?

My sister's ex-bf just recently contacted her. Her current boyfriend was trying to explain to her that he was keeping the lines of communication open in order to be there if her current relationship ever hit a rocky point in the hopes he could move in and have sex with her again. They ended up debating it and she called me in the middle of it to get my opinion. I told her he wasnt calling to be friends, he wasnt calling to be polite, but he was calling in order to one day have sex again. Duh.



John


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## GPR

JAE said:


> I need to hear the closure from her. Even if she has given up on our relationship, has cheated in whatever degree, and is completely distant, I can't be the one to end it. I can't bring myself to give up on us. She has to end with me in person, I need to hear the words "it's over." I think that is probably a sign of weakness or fear on my part. I won't allow myself to go through anything with him in the picture, but I won't end my "perfect life" with her either. She needs to do it. I don't know if I need that so I will hate her or if I am just too much of a puss.


Newsflash... She has already ended your "perfect life"




JAE said:


> Her dad had called to check up on her because he hadn't heard from her, which is very out of character. I lied to him and told him that her phone has been acting up, she was at work and I would make sure she called him. I felt horrible. He is a great man and I had to lie.


Don't lie to her Dad. Tell him the truth. Maybe he can shake her up a little bit too. She is treating you like crap and you keep defending her and sticking up for her. I know you love her but she doesn't deserve this.



JAE said:


> The longer she stays gone, the more I wonder how much she still loves me? Is she trying to get me to do the dirty work? Does she just need to time to clear her head? Is she even thinking about us? I haven't called to see where she is (been 3 days), should I?


You still haven't answered where she's been this whole time anyway. She's not staying with you, she's obviously not staying with her family, well then where the hell is she???

Again, you need to take the action. Call her and say, "Now or never". You are afraid to do it because you already know what the answer is going to be. If you want her to make the decision, fine... BUT YOU NEED TO FORCE HER TO MAKE THE DECISION!!!! You don't deserve this crap!!! Tell her you want a decision right now! Enough screwing around and sitting at home waiting like a sad little puppy dog. Not only does she have no respect for you, but I'm thinking you have no respect for yourself either.


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## NothingMan

GPR said:


> Newsflash... She has already ended your "perfect life"
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don't lie to her Dad. Tell him the truth. Maybe he can shake her up a little bit too. She is treating you like crap and you keep defending her and sticking up for her. I know you love her but she doesn't deserve this.
> 
> 
> 
> You still haven't answered where she's been this whole time anyway. She's not staying with you, she's obviously not staying with her family, well then where the hell is she???
> 
> Again, you need to take the action. Call her and say, "Now or never". You are afraid to do it because you already know what the answer is going to be. If you want her to make the decision, fine... BUT YOU NEED TO FORCE HER TO MAKE THE DECISION!!!! You don't deserve this crap!!! Tell her you want a decision right now! Enough screwing around and sitting at home waiting like a sad little puppy dog. Not only does she have no respect for you, but I'm thinking you have no respect for yourself either.


Hard to have respect for yourself when everything you thought you knew and the person you trusted most just destroyed your heart. But you are right, he needs to just put her **** out on the front lawn and then pray for rain.

There is a woman out there who will appreciate all you have to offer and never treat your heart the way this woman has. You deserve it. It may not be soon, but she's out there. All you need to do is find her. But first things first, kick this ***** out. Tell her to go live with Joe. If her dad calls back, tell him whats going on. And then ask him where his parenting went wrong to allow his daughter to act so cold hearted to the man she loved.


John


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## JAE

*Re: similar situation...*



NothingMan said:


> This is what Im saying. He is single. He doesnt have the responsibilities of a married man and therefore has more time on his hands to spend making her feel special. He knows she is in a relationship and therefore the risk of turning the affair into a relationship is even lower. It's like an opportunity for no strings attached sex. He doesnt love her, he just wants to bang her. How can women repeatedly be so blind to what is so obvious to us?
> 
> John


The funny thing is that he does have zero responsibilities; he is currently on workers comp and lives with his parents. He is in his late 30's. I know bashing him does no good, but he does have all the time in the world to make my wife feel like the only one. It's not fair. My wife has Saturdays off and I work of them, i think she resents me for this. 

She has been staying at a motel in town. Do I believe her, I'm not sure?? She'll be home today. She texted me to tell me that. I didn't want to get into it over the phone, but I will only go forward working through things if HE is done with. 

There is no other woman out there for me. She is the one. If things don't work out, I'm done with relationships. I won't put myself in a position to go through this again. I won't let it happen.

Nothingman- I don't agree with your statement about her dad, if you knew him you wouldn't either. As far as telling anyone what happened, I'm not planning on it. If we are able to work through things the last thing I need is either side of the family giving their 2 cents on how to handle. Also as I said before, I couldn't handle someone talking bad about my wife.


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## GPR

*Re: similar situation...*



JAE said:


> There is no other woman out there for me. She is the one. If things don't work out, I'm done with relationships. I won't put myself in a position to go through this again. I won't let it happen.
> .


I knew it!

You need to knock this defeatist attitude off right now. How much of you wanting her back is that you really want to be with her, and how much of it is you don't want to be alone?

No one is saying to start hitting the singles bars and signing up on EHarmony right now or anything. You just need to realize that despite what you think, being alone is better than the crap this chick is putting you through right now. No person should be treated the way you have been treated, and I'm afraid that even if she does chose you, it will only happen again. 

And the fact that he lives with his mom and is on workmans comp actually worries me more than anything. I would bet a paycheck that what's going through her mind is "Do I love my husband more than this guy..." It's "I love this guy, but he doesn't have a job and lives with his mom... maybe I should stay with my husband because he has a job and a house" I obviously can't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what's taking her so long. She wants to leave, but where is she going to go, live at this dude's parents house? Seriously?????

And the next time some guy comes into the picture that doesn't suck at life like this dude does, what will happen then.


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## Blonddeee

JAE said:


> My wife and I have grown distant over the last 4 months. At the beginning of the 4 months she started a friendship with a coworker.
> 
> It seems strange to just leave her be and not talk to her, but she insists on it. I love her so much and would be lost without her. I'm looking for help. How long do I give her to cut this guy out? Is there salvaging this marriage? Has this happened to you, were you able to stick it out? How was the relationship afterward?


I took out some of what you wrote so the post wouldn't be so long...
You said that you and her have grown distant over the last 4 months... it's because she started her friendship with her coworker 4 months ago- it was her choice to grow distant. She is not taking your feelings in to consideration at all - the fact that she doesn't know who she wants to be with... SHE'S MARRIED TO YOU... there shouldn't be a question?!?!
It's obvious you love her very much, but she is walking all over you- she is not the only girl in the world you could ever love- I promise! It's tough to get over someone, but you deserve someone that treats you the way you treat them. 
I think you should be honest with her family- you don't need to say anything bad about her, but you can tell them whats going on and they can maybe talk some sense into her on how selfish she is being. Life isn't always fair- you need to make a decision for you and stop waiting around for her to decide who she wants... if it's not this guy, it will be another- she already knows she can get away with it and you won't go anywhere...


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## SaxonMan

JAE. You need to get angry. And angry at the right people.
Sure the guy is a sleaze. Anybody that messes with another man's wife needs his face filled in, but, at the end of the day, who's fault is it?
There will always be scumbags "knocking at the door" of a relationship. The most basic thing that the people in the relationship have to do is to keep them out. She had/has total control over this. She chose not to - and in the process trample all over your feelings. SHE IS THE GUILTY ONE.

I think the one thing you have to realise is that what you had with your wife is now gone. I think you're in a fog over all this, but you have to realise that basic fact. It's like dealing with a death - no, it's dealing with a murder - and SHE IS THE MURDERER.

All the things you used to do with your wife, he is now doing them with/to her. She is used, tainted, gone.
I hate to be this brutal, but she doesn't love you. You don't treat somebody you love as bad as this. Sure, you can put up with a lot from a person you love, but there has to be a limit. What she is doing to you is far and above that limit.

There is another side to this. The longer you put up with all this, the longer you will get it. It's a sad fact nowadays that many women don't respect a man that is in touch with his feelings and that will work for the relationship. Ask me how I know.
The more you work, the more you show your weakness, the less respect they have for you and the more they will trample on you.
It's sad, but it's true.

Now, there are three parties in this awful mess, placed in order of their blame in this:
*Your wife*: She has already made the decision. She decided to say "F*** you" and open her legs to this scumbag. She had total control from the beginning. She already made the decision. It's gone.

*Him* He's just a sleaze. He'll do whatever woman is stupid enough to take his seed. Currently, your wife is the vessel. Leave him to karma. His role is actually quite minor. He is just the sperm donor - and currently he's putting it in your wife.

*You* You actually are the one with the most control in this situation now. It's very clear what has happened. You are now the one that is doing the most damage to yourself.
You have the control of this situation now. You need to do the right thing for yourself and take your life back and tell her to take a hike.
When you do that, suddenly, you will become the man again. That may likely even attract her more, but don't hope for that, and certainly don't act on it if/when it happens. There is nothing to recover. If you get her back, you will be getting back a used, soiled, tainted shell of what she was before. 
IT CAN NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. That point is immutable. You are fighting for what is already lost.

Get angry. Blame the right person - HER. Hate her, for you will anyway.

I've so very sorry for what has happened. I've been there myself and it sucks I know. 
My present situation shows that I can be quite a doormat myself, but there is one thing that I will never tolerate: She cheats, she's gone. She even looks like she's cheating, she's gone. She even puts me in a postion where I'm worrying too much about the likelyhood of her cheating, she's gone.

You have to at least allow yourself that one principle.


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## Blonddeee

I just don't get how men put up with this... I'm a woman and my ex-h never wanted to have sex or work on our relationship- I could have found someone to fill those voids in our relationship- he worked nights... it would have been so easy, he would never have to know... but there are women out there who have morals and values... I never cheated on him and I never did anything that I would feel bad about doing if he was there- it took me a while to leave, but I did and even though I get lonely at times... I know that I didn't cheat and kept my vows... and I'm having a great time dating now.
It's not ok for women to treat men this way or vice versa... there are good people out there. So don't say if you aren't with her you are going to give up on love... give up on loving her, but find someone who treats you well and wouldn't do this to you...


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## ShuffleUp

JAE said:


> Shuffle- So what was the outcome?


The outcome of the things I asked that she agree to is that she agreed to 100% of them. The outcome of this whole mess is yet to unfold, but what Saxon wrote is dead on. My wife was not respecting me because before this decision point that I forced, I didn't get angry enough, I didn't say that I was done with her, I didn't get pissed and up in her face, and i didn't demand changes. She had no respect and I reclaimed it with these demands and the ass chewing that I gave the night before sending this. 

You are not going to push her away further than she's already gone by forcing this. Don't allow her to sit on the fence anymore. She also needs to know that she is worth getting red faced and angry about. Be ready for whatever the decision is.


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## dcrim

JAE said:


> I need to hear the closure from her. Even if she has given up on our relationship, has cheated in whatever degree, and is completely distant, I can't be the one to end it. I can't bring myself to give up on us. She has to end with me in person, I need to hear the words "it's over." I think that is probably a sign of weakness or fear on my part. I won't allow myself to go through anything with him in the picture, but I won't end my "perfect life" with her either. She needs to do it. I don't know if I need that so I will hate her or if I am just too much of a puss.


JAE, that's EXACTLY what I did! My xgf tried to get ME to say those words ("we're done"). I told her I never would. 

She even told me she would move in when her house sold! 

A week later she finally told me we were not going to be together. 

Exactly four weeks after that, she married (her neighbor!) for money! 

This was the first time in my 56 years that I've been treated this way. Next time (if it happens) I'll recognize the signs. It was a painful lesson. 

I'm over her now although she did come to my place last Monday and asked if we could talk. I told her no and not quite slammed the door on her. I was surprised by my reation so I guess I still got a little anger left.  

I know you want to hold on (I did, too!) but it will only prolong the pain, make you a nervous wreck and delay the healing.


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## still reeling

Wow - while I don't quite agree with the harshness of Saxon's post - I do agree with the jist of what he is saying. The person you fell in love with and are wanting back is gone. You will have to start over with her, just as you, the person she married, is now gone. You may not like the person she has become and even worse you may not like the person she has MADE YOU become. Everything has changed and you CAN NOT go back to the way it was. Think about it - if you did - you would be right back where you are now eventually. 

While your main objective is to just get her back........ then what? Because if you have read even a third of the posts on this board, you will find that these people are struggling everyday to forgive, forget, and trust again and I know for me, while I chose to stay and it has been over a year, there are still days (quite frequently) that I wish I could just walk away, not deal with all the emotional baggage left behind, take my kids, move far away and never look back. Yes, the recovery is that difficult. It doesn't end when she says okay I am back, it will be there for the rest of your lives. 

You need to ask yourself, can I live with that for the rest of my life???? Always wondering, never really knowing, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Take it one day at a time and just breath, because some days that is all you are capable of doing. But these people are right, the longer you let this indecision go on the longer she will take in making her "decision". Like Blondee said - there is no decision, she is your wife, you are her husband - end of story. She has already made the decision when she left. I know that you think you "know" her, can "read" her, but there probably isn't one person on here that didn't believe the same thing. LIES, LIES, and LIES, you can't imagine it until it slaps you in the face, look you straight in the eye and LIE and you know for a fact and can prove they are lying - they will still LIE. Cheaters can't own up to what they have done and will LIE to end. 

The decisions you have to make in the upcoming day, week, month, year etc are not going to be easy ones but they are decisions you have to make and live with. There are people out there that are just waiting for someone like you. They will respect you, love you, hold to their marriage vows and you can be happy. It is sad really that those people who are looking for long term, meaningful relationships never seem to find each other and we are left dealign with this. 

Remember, no one made her do this, this was a choice - HER CHOICE!


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## beyond betrayal

still reeling said:


> Wow - while I don't quite agree with the harshness of Saxon's post - I do agree with the jist of what he is saying. The person you fell in love with and are wanting back is gone. You will have to start over with her, just as you, the person she married, is now gone. You may not like the person she has become and even worse you may not like the person she has MADE YOU become. Everything has changed and you CAN NOT go back to the way it was. Think about it - if you did - you would be right back where you are now eventually.
> 
> While your main objective is to just get her back........ then what? Because if you have read even a third of the posts on this board, you will find that these people are struggling everyday to forgive, forget, and trust again and I know for me, while I chose to stay and it has been over a year, there are still days (quite frequently) that I wish I could just walk away, not deal with all the emotional baggage left behind, take my kids, move far away and never look back. Yes, the recovery is that difficult. It doesn't end when she says okay I am back, it will be there for the rest of your lives.
> 
> You need to ask yourself, can I live with that for the rest of my life???? Always wondering, never really knowing, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Take it one day at a time and just breath, because some days that is all you are capable of doing. But these people are right, the longer you let this indecision go on the longer she will take in making her "decision". Like Blondee said - there is no decision, she is your wife, you are her husband - end of story. She has already made the decision when she left. I know that you think you "know" her, can "read" her, but there probably isn't one person on here that didn't believe the same thing. LIES, LIES, and LIES, you can't imagine it until it slaps you in the face, look you straight in the eye and LIE and you know for a fact and can prove they are lying - they will still LIE. Cheaters can't own up to what they have done and will LIE to end.
> 
> The decisions you have to make in the upcoming day, week, month, year etc are not going to be easy ones but they are decisions you have to make and live with. There are people out there that are just waiting for someone like you. They will respect you, love you, hold to their marriage vows and you can be happy. It is sad really that those people who are looking for long term, meaningful relationships never seem to find each other and we are left dealign with this.
> 
> Remember, no one made her do this, this was a choice - HER CHOICE!


:iagree:With everything. You know it is an every hour challenge to live with what he did. I will probably always being thinking that. I'm happy we're together but I'm so sad. Sometimes I want to pack the kid up and disappear but to where when my heart is here. JAE the only difference between you and me is that his heart is here too. You can't make her be who she was. Everyone here cares. Listen. Stop letting her hurt you and stop hurting yourself.


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## Daddyme

Only if you could see the outcome of it all…if you could predict the future you wouldn’t be this torn as you are now. 

This isn’t butterfly effect my friend. You can’t change this story.

This is how I see it. Moving forward you’ll say nice things and embark upon great feat to win her back (which you probably will). It’s only natural for you to feel hurt, rejected etc. However if you realize that to gain her affections back, while she is in breach of the greatest covenant that exists in human life, undermines your own core belief of what a marriage is all about. What trust is all about. Do you understand and believe in a marriage JRE? She obviously doesn’t. She succumbed to the notion of variety, something different. We all feel that way every now and then, don’t we? The difference between yourself and her is that she succumbed. The chords that tie her to you were broken by the lightest of tag. And JRE life will offer many tugs like that and their will be even stronger ones. You see JRE; everyday when you get up in the morning and you look yourself in the mirror what you see is dark man. And you tell that man everyday that you will win again, as you have, since first you first learned about faith and loyalty. That you will not succumb to temptations that destroy those sacred believes. Do know what I am talking about JRE? How is the view from up there... are you there? cause if you aren’t then maybe you should, and when you do, you'll realize how rewarding and gratifying that experience is.

Enjoy this life with people who enjoys the same views as you do. She might come back and chances are she will, but she will get confused again, and again, and again. You will drive yourself crazy over and over. Is it worth it? Any ground you choose to be upon is a choice you make every day JRE. Leave her to the view she caters to and enjoys. You have no right. You sir, in my opinion are a decent man with an indecent partner. Sorry for my forwardness. 

I hope what you are looking for finds you.


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## Daddyme

WOW!!! Its like you told my story. It killed me when I asked Love of my life if it would bother her if I had sex with another woman? You know what she said; " NO" it killed me. Of course that’s way after I had learned that while she confessed her Love and exclusivity with me she was having "fun"....she said she has changed. We got married. The ghosts haunted me. I couldn’t forget nor could I forgive. We fought. We tore each other up. We annulled. We got back. We broke up again. Went on a vacation to Cancun and broke up on Vacation. She is pregnant from my child. Due in Dec. I couldn’t forget. She failed. She lies. I don’t believe anything she said.......
....that was before. Now I am better. I still have my moments but I am happier. Its tough work, but I am ready to love again. It’s not about getting over. Its about not leaving anyroom for disloyal and unfaithful people. I like where I am at.:smthumbup:

and to all my bloggers here: This is a great community and I enjoy being part of it.


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## CCW1225

NothingMan said:


> Personally, I think most men cheat for sex. I think most women cheat for attention. Men and Women are different in sooo many ways it makes sense to me the reasons for cheating would also be different.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> John


My husband didn't cheat for sex... He's still in love with the woman and every time I make him give up another piece of her for me to remain in our marriage he gets livid. I've been doing this slowly and it's killing me. So far I've got him to stop emailing (as far as I can tell), texting (as far as I can tell), and just the other day he blocked her from his FB account and says he deleted her from his skype account. Unfortunately my husband lives in hotel rooms in order to make a living and won't be coming home until October. It's very difficult to really tell if his words are true. He says he wants to make it work and on the surface it appears that he is, but he is very resentful toward me because I refuse to let him be "friends" with the woman he had an affair with.


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## NothingMan

Wait...he had the affair and now he's resentful? And he stays out long periods at a time? I think you'd sleep better single. Just my opinion. If he's resentful to you for not letting him remain friends with her...then he hasnt quite come to grips with what he did. Time for him to shove off. Course, in my world, it's one and done. No second chances. No one gets to break my heart twice.



John


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## GPR

JAE, you haven't posted in a while, any updates?


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## JAE

I felt that this forum was good to get feedback and opinions, but I want to try to work things out. Almost all the feedback has been about getting rid of her. If that was what I wanted to then I would have. So I'm not sure if I should continue posting??

She came home on Friday, we have talked, she hasn't talked to HIM, I still feel distant. It's strange to have that wall between us, I know that it will take time. I am still in shock that this happened to us. I hugged her for the first time yesterday, it felt good. To touch her again reminded me how important she is to me. I still miss her. I miss the closeness we once had. I cry everyday. She is going to a therapists on Tuesday, I hope things go well so we can start going to a therapist together.


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## mommyto3boys

Hi JAE,
I think that if you and her are willing to try and make things work, that is absolutely the best thing to do. My husband had a brief fling over 14 years ago and it hurt like hell...but I knew he still loved me and I loved him. Yes I still think about it, but the terribly 'hurt' is dull now. It will never be the same, but then again I would be devastated if we had not stayed together.

I think I had put my husband on a pedestal until that happened, and now my view of him is more 'realistic'...and the 'affair' did point out that there were obvious problems within our marriage. Things are better now, but we still struggle but I do not want our marriage to fail. Marriage is hard, but oh so worth it in the long run.


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## beyond betrayal

mommyto3boys said:


> Hi JAE,
> I think that if you and her are willing to try and make things work, that is absolutely the best thing to do. My husband had a brief fling over 14 years ago and it hurt like hell...but I knew he still loved me and I loved him. Yes I still think about it, but the terribly 'hurt' is dull now. It will never be the same, but then again I would be devastated if we had not stayed together.
> 
> I think I had put my husband on a pedestal until that happened, and now my view of him is more 'realistic'...and the 'affair' did point out that there were obvious problems within our marriage. Things are better now, but we still struggle but I do not want our marriage to fail. Marriage is hard, but oh so worth it in the long run.


You are so right. I put my bf on a pedestal because he'd been my best friend for 12 years. But after the 3 day fling I realized he is human. I also realized that we both took each other for granted and should have had more appreciation for one another. We will be married soon but I sure hope I get to the dull pain soon. My hurt is still rampid and I cry everyday. 

Look JAE if thats what you want to do then do it. No matter what we say its always going to be up to you. I hope things work well for you and if you ever need to talk you know we are always here.


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## GPR

If you want to work on it, that's great. I just wanted you to make her take some action and wanted to get it into your head that it's not going to be easy and to be prepared for the worst. 

Did she give you an answer then? Has she started to talk about what she did and why she did it?


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## JAE

We have talked, but not in depth. She is getting counseling for herself right now. Waves of emotions continue. 

Today I wonder if we were even meant to be together. I question if our love is strong enough. I question the past 6 months of her saying I love you, did she mean it or just say because? When we were kissing, hugging, cuddling, having sex; was she thinking of HIM? I have these thoughts that won't go away and I have this anger that I'm afraid will never go away. 

I knew she would resent me for her having to cut all ties with him, but I didn't realize how much it would hurt our relationship. I know she doesn't believe me but I feel bad that she has lost a friend. I just don't think she realizes what I lost as well, my best friend and wife. I don't know how this will end? I don't know how she wants to? I know she is here but is that out of guilt or "the right thing" to do? 

I know everyone is human and makes mistakes. I just wonder how intentional her mistake was. Did she do this to intentionally hurt me? Did she do it to make us end? Or did she just make a bad decision that she regrets? 

Right now I don't know how much she regrets it or even if she is sorry about it happening?

She has shown zero signs of affection, is that what happens? She hasn't tried to hug, kiss, or even say I love you. Has anyone else experienced this? I don't know how I would take to her doing any of those things but it feels like if she wanted this to work she would have tried to make some contact.


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## Beninyourshoes

JAE, you are going to half to have thick skin to work through this. I went through this about 8 years ago and had no idea it was going on. I thought I was being cute listening in on a phone conversation and overheard my wife talking to one of her girl friends about this guy she works with. I put two and two together realized things were not good. I asked her about it and she said she had not had a physical affair but she had been thinking about it. 

That alone was enough to really floor me. We did the counselling thing and even renewed our vows. 

I thought things could start over and every thing would be like it was before but it really doesn't. For the person having the affair, it is easy to just start over and forget but not so easy for the person that got dumped on. 

Like I said, it was eight years ago and I can still remember every little thing about the conversation like it was yesterday. My wife can't understand why I can't just get over it and let it go. We are very active in our church now and are living our lives right. I tend to get pissed off and say the wrong thing when we hear of a couple that one of them cheated and my wife will say something like, "Can you believe that". I have to bite my tongue and I want to say, you are no better, you did it. But I don't. You will have to really be a strong person inside to deal with this. Time will go by and you may forgive her but you will never forget.

I have been married 22 yrs now and hang on because I love my wife and can't stand the thought of her being with another man or someone else raising my children.


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## JAE

I haven't cried for 2 days, that scares me. I wonder if this is me realizing it's over. The thought of not being with her has always made me sick and uncontrollable of my emotions. Now I think about it and nothing. The other day I asked her if she thinks we have a CHANCE, and she said she didn't know??? I think that is when I realized there is nothing I can do to change how she feels and that WE won't be okay if she doesn't want that. I still want to be with her more than anything, but I wonder how much I really know her. The person I married would have never done what she did, hurt me the way she hurt me, and made me feel like I was in the wrong. I guess time will tell. I just don't know how long I can deal with the distance and absence of affection. How and why did this happen?


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## no1.daddy2kids

Man, reading this brings into light my situation. I really don't know what to do. Although I believe my wife when she tells me there is no intimacy between her and her other, I feel its almost worse knowing the bond is becoming stronger emotionally. I wish she was able to have that bond with me. I feel so alone in my own house. So isolated from anyone emotionally. I too don't know how long I can go through this pain of not knowing what do do and not knowing what will be thrown at me next. Every day I feel further and further from her and that is the last thing I want. I have gone thru sort of a revelation in myself that she doesn't want to believe. If I could just have a chance to show her I think we would be so much better. However, as I read over this thread, I am afraid that I too would always have this feeling of betrayal and questions in my head. I feel for you.

You can see my story in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/6869-long-drawn-out-unhappy.html


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## JAE

Well it seems it is coming to an end. I found out last night that she has talked to him twice in the week, she didn't tell me and tried hiding it. I still don't know what to think. I told her that she can't love me anymore based on everything she continues to do. We argued, she thinks I am telling her what to do and feels that she is being controlled. I only said that she can't talk to him because that is what is best for OUR relationship. She doesn't understand that and doesn't see continuing to see HIM is choosing him over US. She values the relationship with him more than OURS. I told her that our marriage is over because of what she is doing. She quit on US. I told her maybe I should go F*** someone and continue to talk to her. How would she feel then? No answer. I asked her to just tell me that she doesn't love me and that it's over. She refuses to because she says it's not true. She left today to get out of the house because she wasn't comfortable here??? I honestly feel that she did these things and continues to do stuff to sabotage OUR marriage. 

I know that I can't go forward with him in the picture. Where does that leave us, I have no idea. Even with all of this, I still want to be with her. I will forever have trust issues. My sadness is gone, now I have nothing but anger.


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## NothingMan

Embrace your anger. Use it to force yourself to put all her **** out on the front lawn and change the locks on your doors. Use it to kick the guys ass. Which you should have done a long time ago.

Which reminds me, how come you guys who have been cheated on arent kicking some ass? If it were me, the guy would be beaten on the daily until I ended up in jail for a few days. Atleast scare the guy to death and make him look over his shoulder every time he leaves the house.

Be a man. Kick her out. Kick his ass. Move on.



John


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## NothingMan

Your right. You dont have to be violent to be a man. But you cant turn the other cheek forever. Sometimes, you have to take a stand.



John


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## JAE

NothingMan-

Trust me the temptation is there. The biggest thing stopping me is the fear that I wouldn't be able to stop; it wouldn't end with just a few punches. I know I would feel better kicking his a**, but I truly don't think I could control myself and I wouldn't stop. If I ever see him anywhere I know I will snap, I really hope this doesn't happen.


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## NothingMan

JAE said:


> NothingMan-
> 
> Trust me the temptation is there. The biggest thing stopping me is the fear that I wouldn't be able to stop; it wouldn't end with just a few punches. I know I would feel better kicking his a**, but I truly don't think I could control myself and I wouldn't stop. If I ever see him anywhere I know I will snap, I really hope this doesn't happen.



Well...alright as long as you really want too..thats atleast a close second


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## Beninyourshoes

JAE, it will be tough for you to stay in the relationship unless she is willing to cooperate, And even then you will have some really crappy days. If you go a period without sex you will always wonder if she is getting it somewhere else or if she is just not attracted to you anymore. Every time you see a TV program and you are sitting there watching it together and the show features someone cheating, you will get a knot in your stomach. It will be a tough road to travel down. I had a tougher time with it than I thought I would but the 3 children my wife and I have together gives me an incentive to stay. I believe absence will either make the heart grow fonder or you may realize that it is not ment to be. I personally would break it off and find someone you can trust if you and your wife do not have children together. I can promise you that you will never forget what has happened. You will eventually get into a state of mind were you have more good days than bad but you will always have your bad days and they will tear you appart inside. Just my thoughts.


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## Gomez

I just want to point out that anger at the OM is kinda pointless, the woman is always in control of how far it goes. That was the hardest part of the infidelity I had to deal with: My woman wanted someone else after she had me. That fact changes your life forever and the only solution after that is to become a new person, a new couple. Beninyourshoes is absolutely right about never forgeting and good and bad days. It is the subtext for the rest of our lives.

Your woman has already gone further than I personally would have put up with even if I had kids w her. But if you do want to stick it out you probly dont have long to wait by now for the shine to wear off the new guy and then she will take of the rose colored glasses and start to see what has happened to her life.


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## NothingMan

Im not saying that anger at the OM is whats going to make or break the situation. It's not the point. The point is, men who sleep with other men's wives need to have their checks cashed. Preferably by the husband. And preferably more then once.

By not doing anything you are not only enabling the OM, but every other OM who has nothing to fear if they do it. If men acted like men, we would have OM and we wouldnt have to slap em around. Yet, what we have are a generation of sissified, blame yourself first, in therapy, trying to get in touch with your softer side men. Guess what fellas, the cry/get mad/therapy system is NOT working. Perhaps the Cry/Get Mad/Fisticuffs system needs a try.

I can tell you that men of my father's generation wouldnt think twice about doing it. And honestly, the OM knew they had it coming. Nowadays? They laugh at you as they bang your wives.

Wont ever happen to me though. Ill bury em first.




John


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## Gomez

I think I am wandering from the point of the OP but I want to defend myself once. If another man disrespects your wife and she comes to you about it then a beat down or your best attempt at it is absolutely warrented. However if another man makes advances to your wife when you dont know about it and she reciprocates you can beat down 50 men and still never solve the problem. That is what I am talkin about here. 

The only thing that stands between a man and a cheating wife is the wife herself. The only way it will never happen to you is if your wife never lets it happen. It has nothing to do with wether your a therapy or fisticuffs man, and everything to do with how satisfied your wife is with you. I really cannot picture a situation where your inclination toward being violent with other men would stop a woman from gettin her groove on with someone she feels it with. Men can only propose to do this or that, its totally up to the woman to choose to escalate the situation.

In my reading of the threads on this site there has not been one instance where I think I could say "Well if you had beat him into a bloody pulp as soon as you found out then all the problems that caused the infidelity would be solved."


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## NothingMan

Oh it wouldnt solve the infidelity problem. No question. But imo, that doesnt make it any less warranted.





John


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## beyond betrayal

NothingMan said:


> Embrace your anger. Use it to force yourself to put all her **** out on the front lawn and change the locks on your doors. Use it to kick the guys ass. Which you should have done a long time ago.
> 
> Which reminds me, how come you guys who have been cheated on arent kicking some ass? If it were me, the guy would be beaten on the daily until I ended up in jail for a few days. Atleast scare the guy to death and make him look over his shoulder every time he leaves the house.
> 
> Be a man. Kick her out. Kick his ass. Move on.
> 
> 
> 
> John


John,
I thought you were funny and right on the kickign ass part. I kicked her ass and his ass in my situation. Sometimes that is necessary. They deliberately hurt me. It made feel a little better and let them know I'm not a f....cking joke and neither is my life. And I'm a woman. A small woman but its the principal of the whole thing. Very good point.:iagree::rofl:


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## NothingMan

My wife is 4'11". I know better then to mess with a small woman. They're feisty.




John


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## lastinline

Well said Gomez. My wife allegedly cheated on me as well. When his wife "came to my clinic to inform me", let's say "Mr. J." was very worried. I didn't react violently for two reasons: 1) My wife denied all allegations 2) Even if it were true, I did not want to be manipulated into becoming his wife's fist/tool of vengance. I have studied martial arts for years and I am quite physically imposing. I have trained long and hard to become, for lack of a better word a weapon. I also like my medical license very much and felt as though I would be doing a diservice primarily to myself if I "kicked this guys ass." The other problem with this argument, is that if I truly gave into the hate and anger inside me and "let the genie out of the bottle", his "ass wouldn't be kicked", he'd be being fed out of a tube for the rest of his life, and I'd likely be in the slammer. People are quite easy to hurt when you are well trained and they are not. Sadly, wives can be replaced. Up until now, the scarlet is on her. If I act, I'm not a man, I'm a fool, because my career and my life would be a lot harder to replace than my b*tch of a wife. Forgive the first time AND FILE THE SECOND.


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## JAE

It is coming up on a month since I was told about the affair. She still talks to him. We fight, she leaves for a couple days. We talk and she shuts down, says that she can only talk so much about it. No matter how much she says she still loves me and cares for me, I can't believe her. Why would she continue to hurt me everyday by continuing her relationship with HIM? A month is a long time for your wife to not know that she should be with just you. I understand that she is having to lose someone she considers her best friend, but that is due to the choices both of them made. 

I told her that I can't deal with this anymore. I thought that our marriage and friendship was stronger than anything, but I guess I was wrong. I told her by Wednesday I needed to know. I'm not telling her to do anything, I'm letting her know that come Wednesday I have hit my limit. An entire month and she still is talking to him, it drives me insane. We haven't and can't attempt to fix anything about US while she still talks to him. Right now it's like my wife and I are roommates that barely communicate, how is that going to resolve anything?

I have a feeling that she isn't going to decide. Or she is going to tell me one thing and do another. If she tells me she is done with them and I find out she talks to him after that, it will be the final stab in the heart. This might be the end for us. Unbelievable, how did this happen?


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## Beninyourshoes

JAE, you have been put through HELL my brother and I commend you for trying to do what is right. It takes a strong person to deal with this and it also shows how much you care for your wife. Cheating is such a selfish act. The person doing the cheating at the time doesn't care about the other persons fealings. The big problem I see for you is if and when you and yours decide to work things out, you are going to beat yourself up trying to figure out why? and How? Then you are going to have to deal with answers like, "You drove me to it" or "You were so unattentive to my needs" or "You were so mean to me during that time" or "I don't know what was going on in my head". All of these things are litterally going to drive you insane trying to go back and anylize what was said if you were innocent of these statements, you will really be confused trying to figure out "What the hell is she talking about".

I know for a fact that so many things go on and so many outside influinces effect out thinking sometimes. My wife had some undesirable single/devorced friends that would go out and have drinks after work and invide other friends to come along. I didn't like the idea myself but I let her go to have fun. Turns out women are a lot like us men. When alone they talk about and flurt with men as men do women. I personally stopped hanging out with the guys after I got married. I know how we used to look at women as if they were just a piece of meat. Chasing split tail all the time. Can't do it and be faithfull.

At the same time, you are going to have to give her some time to open up. If she is not willing to talk about what happened and figure out what is going on, you will never resolve your problems. For me, it is a daily struggle coping and remembering what has happened and always wondering what might happen in the future. The problem for me, My wife got busted because I paid attention and do a good job reading her body language, I knew when she started acting different. She knows I check her emails and look at her cell phone numbers, I don't denie it when she asks, but in todays times, it is too easy to get another email address that we don't know about, Or make our contact on the computer at work when we are not around. 

All the forgive you's in the world and all the I am sorries might make your marriage stay together but It will never restore the most important thing in a relationship "TRUST". 

There is a lot more to think about here than just the other Man in the picture. Will you be able to cope with the betrayal and not be abusive mentally to her and throw this thing up every time you have a week moment? I know for me, I feel like I live in a hole sometimes. I just have to mentally crawl in and be by myself untill I gather my thoughts and not do or say anything that will take a week to repair things again. 

Once again, I commend you and I will pray that things work for you, but without the kids or any additional baggage that might be in this marriage. I would personally try to start fresh with someone you will be able to trust and hold and know that they love you for what and who you are. You think you will be able to forget but everytime you see her talking to another man at church, the grocery store, or work, your first thought will be "is something going on here or is she interested". 

For me, my cheating wife as turned a once self confident man that thought he could concour the world into a mear mortal that now has a low self esteem with a major insecurity about himself problem.

Good luck


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## Gomez

I had to reread all to posts by JAE to get a sense of what is going on here. You wife of 4 years formed a strong connection with another man and he is now trying to convince her to leave you. The night he and your wife met she spent the night in his bed. The next time he saw her she also spent the night in his bed. Since then she has been away from you for days on end and you have no real idea where she went. She is not really talking to you anymore but says she feels controlled when you try to make her state where her emotions are and what her future plans are. You know where this man lives and you have no connection to him but you have not gone to kick his a$$. She talks about seeinga therapist but I dont think you have said that she actually has. And finially you are still aiding her in hiding her affair from her family and friends.

I think my previous post was wrong, beating his a$$ may well solve this situation. It would demonstrate you are willing to DO something to defend what is yours and show that what your wife does actually means something to you.

I wonder when the last time you took your wife out to the bar like her coworkers do? Was she out with them because she wants to go out and have fun and you are more of a homebody? Did you problems with her really start just recently or have you been growing distant for a while and it just crossed a new threashold when she met this other man? What was your relationship like before all this drama started? What does she do to make you feel special and what do you do to make her feel special and what does this other guy do that she finds so attractive and why cant you start doing it? You need to find the awnsers to theses and similar questionsif you really want to have a relationship with her in the future.

She gave up on you, not because of this other man but befor she even met him. That is why she was open to his attention. He didn't change her mind, you did. He was only the benificiary of your mistakes. No matter how good a man or husband you thought you were, there was obviously something more that she needed from you. 

Marriage is not a stable arrangement, it needs constant attention or it falls apart. What was sufficient in the first three years becomes inadequate as the relationship continues to mature. Relationships change the people in them, and one is not always attracted to the person they change you into by being with you. You need to really see them and what they need to be happy with you and then be that person if you want to stay with them. If you are who you are and see no reason to change be prepared to deal with the (lonely) consequences of that.

And just to finish going out on an unfounded limb here : 4 years and no kids? Whats up with that?


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## JAE

Who knows? Today she spent the day with him. I'm still sticking to wednesday, I guess a month has been stuck in my head so long that I just want to make it there. She is going to choose to continue seeing him, I feel it. I tried. As far as telling the family, I don't see a need. She should be able to make this decision on her own with or without the final consequences. If she can't do that then why are we together. 

I think this all started with a recent promotion for myself. It has taken away some of the time that we had, and HE was on workers comp. and lives at home. HE is 37 with no responsibilities and all the free time in the world. I can see how the constant attention would make her feel great, but I don't see how she can't see this. And I can't even grasp how that relationship can come close to the 8 years we have had. 

As far as not having children yet. I always had the stand point of me being selfish with the time that I loved being with her and didn't want anything, including a child, interrupt that. She never pushed for kids because of her anxiety and depression. 

I am still in a daze on how this happened. God how I wish this was a horrible dream that I could wake up from.


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## Initfortheduration

You have separated finances, Right? Does she work?


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## JAE

She works and we have separate finances, but I don't care about money or any of that.

We had a big fight last night, I crossed a line. I got in her face and pulled her phone out of her hands. No I didn't hit her in anyway but now thinking about it she had to have felt threatened. She went to stay at a hotel. 

I drove to his house this morning. I was ready to see her car in the driveway and end it right then. Her car wasn't there, so I sat outside his house for a while. So many things were going through my head. I just drove away though. I knew if I did anything it would only make things worse, if possible. I'm sticking with Wednesday even though she probably won't even come home before then. After Weds. if were not working on things together then maybe I will revisit HIM. I figure I have nothing to lose if she isn't with me as my wife and friend.


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## Gomez

"I figure I have nothing to lose if she isn't with me as my wife and friend."

This is not true. You have everything you had before this all started, there is a big world out there and there is still time to enjoy it all. I think the stage where there is a marriage with your current wife is over, but if you exit with some honor she will always be in your life.

I get the feeling that this is really tearing you up. I am very sorry you are in so much pain. I suggest between now and Wed. you prepare for the worst and hope for the best. You need to get your mind off it and have a change of scenery and clear your head. Do something you like but havn't done in a long time when your not working and look forward to it douring the day instead of focusing on whats wrong.

I think the only thing you can do at this point is to be supportive of her decision. There is really only one question left, is she going to permenantly and completely stop all communication with this other man and work with you to repair your relationship, or not. Be prepared to accept either awnser but nothing in between if you want to get your life back.

We can always improve tomorrow, take what we learned today and apply it to new situations. Dont give up hope that this will all end up being worth it in the end even if we cant believe it now.

I have had the worst things that could happen to be end up being the strength that got me through the hardest trial of my life. All the hurt you now feel will be replaced by joy when you have the faith to accept what is comming. Life is a chance to get it right, even if we have been mistaken every other day of our lives. Just do the right thing this time.


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## JAE

Lostandconfused said:


> I feel so much of your pain and I hate that you are going through it. You really don't seem to have deserved it at all and yet I encourage you to look at yourself openly and objectively to see where YOU CAN improve.


That's another frustration, she continues to tell me that I did nothing wrong. I know that can't be true. Somehow I made her feel less than special. I just wish she would let me know. I have been going through the last 6 months in my head, I can't pin point what went wrong. We don't have weekends off together, only Sundays, so I know that this created distance. At the same time it shouldn't have.

She hasn't came home yet. I sent her a text apologizing if I scared her last night. I think she knows that I would never hurt her in any way. Anger has just taken me over. I think it just continues to build the longer she talks with him. I still haven't been sleeping. I wake up at 3 am thinking about everything and lay there for at least 2 hours.


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## Beninyourshoes

JAE, only you can answer the question "Am I a good husband". If you are a good husband don't beat yourself up. I spent the first yr after my wifes affair applogizing and trying to figure out how this could happen to me. Finally one day I just said "F*** it all, I am not the one to blame, I did not go out and cheat, I kept my marriage vows". It was like I felt she was the victum and I was the villan. Hell no, I was the inocent party here. 

If you need to make some improvements in yourself, do so. If you can pull through this thing, great. But at the end of the day, She cheated, not you. You do need to have some self respect and show her that life will go on without her. As long as she is using you as a pawn or a backup plan, she will. The only time she is going to realize what she has lost, is if she loses it. Send her some divorce papers, that will open her eyes. Just because you file for divorce doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Show some tough love and let her know you are serious. I would have to ask myself one question, "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone that doesn't have the same feelings about me?" It will sting a little at first but life will go on. Remember back in High School when you had a girl friend then broke up. It hurt for a day or two untill you had someone else wrapped up in your arms. Then life was all good again. Plus it was kind of fun rubbing it in their face.

Hold your head up high, don't beat yourself up and enjoy life.


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## JAE

I thought I was a good husband, but I must not be. She stepped outside our marriage for a reason and it had to be something that I wasn't providing. I'm not sure what. I'm indecisive when it comes to small things and it drives her crazy, I should listen more. I thought we were okay so obviously I don't pay enough attention or I would have so this coming. 

As far filing for a divorce and then not going through with it, I'm not up for that. Maybe she has to realize what she'll be losing but I'm not up for playing games. Separation isn't an option either. I don't want to drag this out. I could be off here but she should be able to see all of this for herself. I never cheated because I love her and know what it would do to OUR relationship. I would do anything to fix our relationship if I F***** up this bad. So if she doesn't want to realize what she will be throwing away or doesn't care; what is the point of our marriage.

I know that I want to be with her. I used to think we could survive anything but based on her reaction to all of this, I really question it. I will try to work through this with her, but only if she is committed to US only.


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## GPR

JAE: you've set deadlines and made ultimatums before, but you haven't really stuck to any of them.

Honestly, this may sound weird at first, but if you want this to work, and I mean actually work, not just her coming home and doing the same thing over and over again, you need to kick her out of the house. She keeps talking to him and keeps disrespecting you, because she can. Everytime you bring it up, she tries to blame you, calls you controlling and then leaves for several days to "think". 

You need tell her to leave, and not come back until she adheres to exactly what needs to be done. She doesn't need until Wednesday to decide. As you've said, she's had a month now. She needs to realize what she's missing, what she's leaving, and maybe then will figure it out. But if you keep this up, it won't get better. She'll keep doing the same thing. 

So, if you want it to really work. No more deadlines. Just tell her she needs to leave and that she can come back when she decides that you are more important than the other guy and she can completely cut him out of her life.


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## ShuffleUp

JAE said:


> As far filing for a divorce and then not going through with it, I'm not up for that. Maybe she has to realize what she'll be losing but I'm not up for playing games.


This idea wasn't about playing games. It is the way things are going to go down unless she changes her actions right away. He was saying that you can file and then not follow through if she comes around, not that it is some kind of game. 

I think you are probably to the point where I was when I sent my wife the email (earlier in this post). I wasn't playing a game with that either and I was prepared for it to go either way. I was indifferent. 

Also, I changed the locks on her as well. If I knew all I had to do was change the locks to get her to stick around the house, I would have done it months ago! I gave her the key a few days later after her insisting she wanted to be at home. Was it a game? You define whether you think it was or not. It cost me $100 but in effect it was a wake up call to her and sometimes you have to resort to ACTIONS and not just WORDS which don't seem to work in this situation very well.


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## JAE

Thanks GPR and Shuffle.

She knows that I am serious. I am saying until Weds. not so much for her but me. I have it in my head that a month should be long enough and is long enough. I can't imagine not being with her but if she wants something else then I will have to. This has been the longest month of my life, I can't go on longer. To me filing for a divorce or asking to be separated is all the same, it's final. I don't want to reach that but once it's there, it's there for good. 

It still eats me up inside that HE can even come close meaning more to her than I do. That relationship is more important to maintain than trying to salvage ours. She has to have reached a point of not only falling out of love with me but also flat out hating me. 

I wish I knew what I did???


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## Gomez

Hell ya that part would eat me up too. It sucks to think you are with a girl who would go for a guy like that. I know exactly that feelingand I empathize with ya.

When my woman cheated it was not with a guy better than me. It was with the guy I was treating her like she should be with. Her past is one bad guy after another. For the first 4 years of our marriage I treated her like she should think herself lucky to be with a guy like me, and that I had saved her from that kind of crap so she owed me. 

She owed me, thats what I thought and thats how I treated her, and when she ran into a an old friend she had a crush on when she was a kid she fell for him because he was the kind of guy my actions told her she should be with. He was divorced, living with 2 girls he used for booty calls when it suited him. Never paid rent, or any other bills. Never had a job for more than 6 months, and he was 37.

Luckily my wife asked for permission before she did anything with him. Her asking me that made me really look honestly at my attitude to her and my marriage, and alot of things changed.

I changed. I started treating her like I was lucky to be with her. I treated her like I think a man should treat a woman who he is madly in love with and who has already given me two perfect children. She changed alot too, and we made it through.

I dont know if this is anything like what happened between you two. I just wanted to let you know my woman tried goin for the worst guy imaginable too.


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## JAE

Lost, Thanks.

I just got off work and thought she would be back, she's not. I know how tomorrow is going to go, but I guess it will black and white. This is strange feeling seeing your marriage disappear in front of you. I don't even know how I feel. Is it weird that I want her to be happy either way? Not that I want her to be with him or anybody else, but if she's not happy with me then it's not fair to her. I want to be happy too, I think I could be happy and in love with her again. Maybe she'll stick with us? 

If she does, why? will she try to talk to him? Will she ever have the same feelings for me? Will I? Can we ever be normal?

If she doesn't? How do you divorce the person you thought you would die next to? How do you throw all that away? How do I cut all ties with my best friend?

It just keeps going through my head....why and what caused her to do this? I wish I could just get the honest straightforward answer to that.

The emotions are rushing back to me. I feel so weak, depressed, sad, angry, alone. No matter how I feel I love her. She has my heart forever, I won't let anything like this happen again. I promise to never tell another woman "I love you." I won't do it to myself. I would rather be alone than ever deal with this.


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## NothingMan

If you stay with her you may not ever say it again, thats for sure. Surely, there is another woman out there who is better then what ya have now. Hell, I dont know, maybe not loving is easier. Would be nice to have a switch with a couple settings. 1. Love 2. dont care 3. ****** all. Make life easier.


Hey dude btw, good luck tomorrow. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. But most of all, Take a stand. You can do this.





John


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## JAE

She came home on Weds. and wants to work through this, without him in the picture. I know this is going to be tough, but I think we will be able to do it. I am going to try my hardest not to bring HIM up at all. The thought of HIM drives me crazy and I know it has to hurt her as well. I don't want to hurt her, I just want to be with her. The alone time (driving, waking up early, sitting at home alone) is the hardest because my brain won't shut off. I start thinking of all the stuff that has happened over the past month and all of the emotions come rushing back. I know that I need to stop that from happening. She came back and wants to work on it and that's what I want, so I need to forgive for what happened in the past and work on our future together. I know this is easier than said, but I am going to try my hardest to make this happen. I won't be able to forget, but I love her too much not to forgive her.


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## NothingMan

Well here's to hoping you get what you want. Good luck JAE.





John.


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## karajh

Why do they always think the grass is greener on the other side.. it is not.. it is charcoal burn up and by they time they figure it out the other spouse is GONE>>> Sad to see...


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## JAE

Yesterday we talked more. I didn't get out of control like the other times. It was nice being able to talk through things. I wish she would say everything that popped in her mind; maybe she is afraid of my reaction or something? I will be open with everything, every emotion. Us not communicating is what caused this problem and I won't let that happen again. 

I had a moment a couple days ago where I saw the old us, it felt like none of this had happened; it made me break into to tears. I love her so much. 

Has anyone else dealt with this? How long did it take for the affection to come back? We haven't kissed, we have hugged three times.


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## Gomez

It took my wife and I 3 months to get back to feeling close and comfortable around each other. Things didn't go back to the way they were, we just made a new "us". Hang in there, make some good memories, and time will heal you.


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## Guest

Has she admitted to a physical affair yet? I had nearly the exact thing happen to me and I saw everyone of your posts as exactly the same things I felt/believed. I even defended her on these forums that she would never do something like what she did. In the end, the other guy finally told me the truth after 7 months. I filed for divorce after 16 yrs of marriage.


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## Pandagirl

JAE-
I'm new to this forum. I read nearly all of your blogs and I am so sorry this hapened to you. You obviously love your wife deeply and it seems you have so much patients with her. Did she do anything else with him besides kiss him? is she still talking with him? My boyfriend cheated on me with a co-worker. We aren't together anymore and we were together for 5 and a halv years. i dont know if we will be able to work this out. At least we are not married. But it still hurts like hell. Best of luck to you JAE.


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## JAE

She told me that she only kissed and cuddled; I believe her. But maybe I shouldn't, I don't know what to believe anymore. She tells me that she hasn't had any contact with him; I believe that too....I think. 

Tonight was weird....we were getting along great and joking around then she called me his name???? She says that it was because of the situation; that she had became closer and more comfortable. That almost makes sense, yet it still confuses me. After crying and her letting me know that it wasn't on purpose, we hugged. I was so pissed, but it felt so nice to hold her. 

I am f***ed up in the head. I love her, that's all that matters. I will continue to deal with whatever comes as long as I can. I'm sad that she would/could even speak his name. I know that she is with me and I truly believe that she knows the pain she has/is causing.

If anyone is reading this that hasn't had an affair PLEASE don't.....just leave the person if you don't love them, if you love them don't cheat. This is going to be tough.


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## NothingMan

Dude...she called you HIS name? Wow. I wouldnt have said a word and just walked out. People do that because it's what they are thinking. Or who they are thinking about. Hire a PI to follow her around...see if she is on the up and up.




John


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## JAE

Pandagirl said:


> JAE-
> I'm new to this forum. I read nearly all of your blogs and I am so sorry this hapened to you. You obviously love your wife deeply and it seems you have so much patients with her. Did she do anything else with him besides kiss him? is she still talking with him? My boyfriend cheated on me with a co-worker. We aren't together anymore and we were together for 5 and a halv years. i dont know if we will be able to work this out. At least we are not married. But it still hurts like hell. Best of luck to you JAE.


That is the weird thing, she keeps telling me that I can ask her anything? It makes me think there is more. I just hope if more did happen she would tell me know vs later. A few months/years I don't know how I would handle going through all of this again finding out that she had done more with him. I believe her but if she hiding something she should say it now.

How are you handling it? Are you guys talking? Did he have sex with her?


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## CH

Good luck to you. But keep a close eye on her, from alot of other posts most of the women that were given ultimatums kept the affair hidden even deeper and played with their SO emotions. You need her to be an open book at this point, all access to everything, phones, e-mails, facebook/myspace, etc...

If she's really willing to change and work on it she'll go along with this. Those posts that worked had this happen. The ones that eventually failed and had the W/H get their hearts torn out, stomped on, cut into a million pieces, pissed on then put that into their chest, the cheater was allowed their privacy still because the other partner loved them too much to take that away....

There is no compromise on this at this point, she has to regain your trust.

I was the cheater and I had to literally open up everything to my wife to gain her trust. It's been 15 years and once in a while the wife still throws me that little cold stare but in the end the only way we made it was cuz I hid nothing from her, NOTHING.

If she gets mad and say's you don't trust her enough then straight up tell her

"YES, I do not trust you anymore at this point, you'll have to earn that trust back." If she truly loves you, she'll do whatever it takes to gain that trust back.

Remember it's all or nothing, if you don't she'll be back at it and think what a pushover you are, she'll just get a slap on the hand again next time and you'll take her back. To her you're the safety net. Don't be the net, be the guy catching her on the flying trapeze.:smthumbup:

Quick edit, steel your heart that she has 99.9% slept with the guy. She'll never tell you unless you trick her into telling or find proof of it 1st. I lied to my wife right up to the point where my wife went and met the OW and they traded notes.


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## Almostrecovered

OP hasn't been on TAM since february of 2010


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