# Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?



## hburg3r (Jan 1, 2018)

Hello,

I have been married for 5 years with my husband. We are both working and we have a prenup agreement, so we have a common account and personal accounts. 
Recently I found out that my husband bought an appartment for rent with his own money and with a mortgage. He told me about it only after he made all arrangement behind my back and the bank will not give him a morgage if I do not give signature confirming my knowledge about his house purchase and mortgage.

I felt betrayed by him, since eventhough we have separate finances, decisions such as lending a large amount of money from the bank and getting a new house is a very big decision and he did not even consult me.

After the house purchase was made my husband had literally no more money since he gave his last cent savings towards the house, so we ended up paying all monthly expenses (food, rent, utilities) solely from my salary. It has been going on for 2 months. I know this is temporary since in the upcoming months things will be stable again when he gets his salary. Nevertheless, this increases my resentment towards him since yet this is another proof, he puts his selfish financial ambition above our marriage and that he does not mind burdening me for it.

Am I over reacting? Any advise what I should do at this time? I lost all trust in him, and I do not think I can get pass this since I am convince that this financial selfishness of him will happen again in the future. I am contemplating divorce since financial infidelity is not something I can live with.

I would be greatful for any help and advise. it will help me be more objective and be less emotional in making my decision. Right now I do not even know what is acceptable behavior anymore. Thank you.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

hburg3r said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have been married for 5 years with my husband. We are both working and we have a prenup agreement, so we have a common account and personal accounts.
> Recently I found out that my husband bought an appartment for rent with his own money and with a mortgage. He told me about it only after he made all arrangement behind my back and the bank will not give him a morgage if I do not give signature confirming my knowledge about his house purchase and mortgage.
> ...


To answer your question, no you are not overreacting. I would expect my husband to consult me on a big purchase. You have also lost the opportunity to bond by looking at properties together, budgeting and working together on this purchase. 

A question I would ask you if this is indeed surprising if you have started off your marriage with a what’s mine is mine mentality. Your husband probably didn’t expect that he needed you to be on the mortgage. He was going to purchase this property because it’s his money to do whatever with. How you’re spending your money together sounds like a roommate arrangement. You pay for this and I’ll pay for that. 

You need to have a Come to Jesus talk with your husband and put some rules down around your spending. I would also have a look at the property and get involved in that purchase starting now. Since the property will also be yours, you haven’t lost. Oh wait what does the prenup say?


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

So towards the end of your OP, I gathered you went ahead and signed the paper that needed to be signed. May I ask why? What was that conversation like?

And my significant other buying another place to live...in secret...would make me flip. That secret part....WHY? What does he plan to do with it? A place to live when he leaves you? A place for trysts or a GF? 

You sound more "Okay" with all this than I would be.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sounds to me as if he is executing an exit strategy. You need to shore up your own finances. Since you two have kept a lot separate, there may not be a lot to divide. But paying "his share" of expenses now may not come back to you.

What he did was nasty and yes you should divorce him.

I am curious as to why you two had a pre nup. And it might be, keeping finances as separate you two did may have encouraged him subconcisouly to think that what he did was ok.

Do you live in state where a spouse needs a signed statement from the partner acknowledging the sale of property? If so, as someone else asked when did you sign and when was that form presented to you?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Tough one.

Do you shut down all his plans to earn more money?
Did he get it a a super low price?
Did he say it was for rental income?
Did he talk in the past at wanting rental property? And if so did you suport him ?

I think it was bull that he did it behind your back . Unless you shoot down all his plans then I could understand him thinking hey this is my money that we keep separately except that he unilaterally decided you would cover the short fall will bills.

I would sugest you ask for repayment in the difference you covered bill wise.and then a conversation about future expenditures and budget. 

Hows the rest of your marriage?


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## hburg3r (Jan 1, 2018)

@pragmaticGoddess thank you for your input. Our prenup basically said the wealth that we have before our mariage should be owned to ourself, not as a property of our mariage. Both my husband and I agreed on this prenup before marriage because some of my parents finance were under my name, and I did not feel it is right to claim what belongs to my parents as ours.

@VibrantWings thank you for your reply. Yes in the end I went and signed the papers underpressure, because my husband said he already put the downpayment to the house and if the purchase does not go through he will loose a significant amount of money. To be honest, I signed the papers with resentment. We had a huge fight about it the night before, but in the end I signed it. I literally knew about the house purcahse less than a week before the deadline of signing the papers. 
He did not say why he kept it a secret but I suspect because I would be against the purchase, because it is beyond his means. You see, in order for him to get this place not only did he borrowed a significant amount of money from the bank but also his friends. The reason why he wanted to get the house is, renovate it, and to rent it out and get some rent money out of it. 


@NextTimeAround thank you for your reply. Yes, basically the bank told him, they need me, the wife, to sign the paper acknowledging the purchase of the house, the house will be 100% under his name and his ownership though. I literally know all about this 1 week before the signing deadline. He only told me about this purchase because there was no other way to do this without my involvement. As mentioned, this hurt my feelings a lot.

@chillymorn69 thank you for responding. I did some investigation because I was worried about his determination to purchase the property, the house price and the location is not the best deal, there are plenty of other better opportunity. The only reason why he is persistant is because his friend promised to find him a tenant right away.
Yes, you are correct, I am the fiscally conservative one in the family, I would have not been to quick to agree on a property before doing some investigation and checking the health of our finance. I would not have made a split second decision for something this big. So most likely I would be the one who would slow down the process. The rest of our marriage is not that great, before this purchase, my husband has made some other big decisions single handedly (renovating the house without proper planning nor my agreement, that resulted me being ill, because of the heavy dust, for an extended period of time and indirectly caused me to lose my job because not performing 150% at my work). We do have a problem of him making decisions without consulting me and this results me resenting him. Am I over reacting also on this matter? 

Ladies, any advise what should be my next step? Do you think is this marriage still recoverable as I think he would do this again in the future.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This sounds like a strange sort of marriage were such things are hidden and money is kept separate. To me marriage has always been that whatever you have when you marry is both of yours from then on. That all purchases are discussed and agreed together. 
What he did was terrible and especially as he now expects you to pay all the bills. Also if he defaults on the mortgage the bank can and will come after you. I would never have agreed to sign.

How will he pay the loans back to the people he borrowed from? How will he afford the renovations?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Well if he has a history of this type of stuff even though you tried to set some boundries then maybe its a deal breaker.

Only you can decide . Maybe you are not compatible financially.


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## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

hburg3r said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have been married for 5 years with my husband. We are both working and we have a prenup agreement, so we have a common account and personal accounts.
> Recently I found out that my husband bought an appartment for rent with his own money and with a mortgage. He told me about it only after he made all arrangement behind my back and the bank will not give him a morgage if I do not give signature confirming my knowledge about his house purchase and mortgage.
> ...


Just curious, what country do you live in?


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## hburg3r (Jan 1, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> How will he pay the loans back to the people he borrowed from? How will he afford the renovations?


 @Diana7 thank you for your feedback. A parts of of his salary will be used to pay back the mortgage and to the people he borrowed to. He also claims once the property is rented, he basically has enough money to balance all of his expenses and he will not have anymore financial issue.

It is good to get feedback from all of you, at least to get affirmation that his behavior is not OK. When you are in a marriage that is not quite right for sometime, you tend to lose your way. Your feedback has at least gave me some direction that my thoughts are not completely irrational.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

It sounds like a lot of "iffy" in this purchase- am I reading into that correctly? I'm usually the fiscally responsible one in my relationships, too (my guy says I can "make Lincoln scream" because I pinch a penny so hard). I would need a definite answer on the secret part of all this if it was me. 
Could be his ego....wanting to show you he can do it on his own- without you/your permission. It could be he listens to his friends more than his fiscally responsible other half. Or, it could be one of the things mentioned above in my first post to you. 

Btw, I've never been involved with a pre-nup....but since you said it involves "things acquired before the marriage", wouldn't this property be considered "something acquired DURING the marriage"? Is there a difference?
Also, even if it's exclusively in his name, can someone come after you/your assets if he defaults on this loan? 

I can understand trying to keep some things separate, but that can be easier said than done when you're married. 
Secrets are never a sign of something good about to happen, IMO/experience.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I personally wouldn't want a marriage like that. The question is do you?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Make sure you keep track of all the extra you are paying in rent and food so he can pay you back as well.


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## hburg3r (Jan 1, 2018)

Openminded said:


> I personally wouldn't want a marriage like that. The question is do you?


well, getting a divorce is not an easy decision and an option I highly dislike, but I do not want to live with anger and resentment for the rest of my life. I just want to have a good husband and live in peace.
@VibrantWings, according to my husband, since the property is solely under his name, if he gets into a debt, the bank will only come after him and not me. But I do not think this is as easy as that, even if the debt belongs to him alone, his bad finances will also affect both our lives not only him. In reality we are living as a family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@hburg3r 

You said that your prenup only covers assets you each had before marriage. So it does not impact assets and liabilities accrued after marriage. 

Your husband was wrong to buy a property with you being involved. It was also wrong for him to get a loan and mortgage in his name only. In most places, even if the mortgage is in his name only, you are still liable to pay it. The means that if he cannot pay the mortgage, the lender can come after you for the payments. But you are not on the deed, so you would be paying for something that you don't even own. You would have to go to court and sue your husband to get possession of a property that you are paying on.

Did he use per-marital assets/cash to buy the property? Did he also use money that he had earned after marriage to buy it? If he mixed the premarital assets/cash with post marital assets/cash, then he converted the pre-marital assets to marital assets. If you divorce, you entitled to 50% of the equity in that property.

What money is he going to use to renovate that place? Since he has no money left, it seems that he will be using post-marriage assets/cash to renovate. So basically he is nto doing this all on his own, he is forcing you to help pay for this property.

He will be using his income (while married) to pay off the mortgage. His after-marriage income is marital property/income. So again, it's marital property. It's not his sole property no matter if only his name is on the mortgage or deed.

I think you need to talk to him about putting you on the deed. You might want to talk to a lawyer about this before it gets too far along.

I agree that this is financial infidelity. I think divorce is your best way to handle a guy who does this.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

hburg3r said:


> well, getting a divorce is not an easy decision and an option I highly dislike, but I do not want to live with anger and resentment for the rest of my life. I just want to have a good husband and live in peace.
> 
> @VibrantWings, according to my husband, since the property is solely under his name, if he gets into a debt, the bank will only come after him and not me. But I do not think this is as easy as that, even if the debt belongs to him alone, his bad finances will also affect both our lives not only him. In reality we are living as a family.


Exactly...and why you had a RIGHT to know about it. You went ahead and supported him on it, even though you rightfully resented it, so he wouldn't lose money/be compromised. Would he have done the same for you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sure you want a good husband and to live in peace but I don't think you will get that with him.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I think you should consult an attorney on exactly how this effects you financially before making any other decisions. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

A lot of TAMmers are very quick to sprout divorce. What your husband did is not ok. Have you made him aware of it? Number 1 on my strategy list is to talk it out with my husband. Why not? This is the person that you have committed to make number 1 in your life for the rest of your life. That said, why keep finances separate if this is true?

If talking with him doesn’t work, you need professional help. You might also benefit from seeing a financial advisor as it sounds like you’re financially tight.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

pragmaticGoddess said:


> A lot of TAMmers are very quick to sprout divorce. What your husband did is not ok. Have you made him aware of it? Number 1 on my strategy list is to talk it out with my husband. Why not? This is the person that you have committed to make number 1 in your life for the rest of your life. That said, why keep finances separate if this is true?
> 
> If talking with him doesn’t work, you need professional help. You might also benefit from seeing a financial advisor as it sounds like you’re financially tight.


I am one of the ones who suggested that divorce might be the right action here. Why? Because she already tried to talk to him about his and he's ignoring her concerns. There is only so much talking a person can do before some action is necessary.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> pragmaticGoddess said:
> 
> 
> > A lot of TAMmers are very quick to sprout divorce. What your husband did is not ok. Have you made him aware of it? Number 1 on my strategy list is to talk it out with my husband. Why not? This is the person that you have committed to make number 1 in your life for the rest of your life. That said, why keep finances separate if this is true?
> ...


Looks like I come from a rosier view of marriage and need to take my rose-colored glasses off sometime.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I don't understand the point of getting the government involved in your relationship with the mindset you guys have. After all, isn't getting married just a financial contract when you really think about what it is exactly? So when you don't want to be financially responsible for one another, why do you even get married? What was the point of your marriage? Tax benefits? 

Regardless, in your shoes, I would be really hissed off. Because as you can see, it turns out no matter how separate you try to keep your money, it turns out you are financially responsible for each other in the end when you make that life long commitment. He made a series of bad choices and doesn't want to own up to them. He will continue to make unilateral financial decisions that DO impact you and your relationship together. Doesn't matter if you have joint accounts or not obviously.


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## hburg3r (Jan 1, 2018)

Thank you so much for all your replies. I do not have many people to discussed about this since I am too embarrased to say anything to my friends about what my husband did. From the outside, our friends see that we have a pretty ideal and stable marriage. We never air your dirty laundry to our friends.

It seems everybody agrees that what my husband did is really terrible. I found my sanity again.
The question is whether it merits a divorce or not. A lot of people here say yes, some other people say I need to talk to him.

Just so that there is no ambiguity, I did talk to him about it and confronted him about what he did, I would never do this to him. He just gave a blank stare, I truely think he does not even understand the depth of the betrayal he made me feel. And that upsets me even more, now I cannot speak 2-3 words with him without feeling the anger and disapointment inside me towards him. Sometimes I think I do need professional help to heal myself from all these negative feelings.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I also have a prenup that is similar in fashion (property before marriage is individual property). I don't think the prenup should be in question here, because that's what you both decided to do.

However, what your husband did alone and behind your back was flat out wrong and deceptive. It was making a large financial decision while married (right?) and then dropping it on your head like a bomb, railroading you into giving up your signature. And you found out ONLY because he needed your signature.

It was irresponsible, not to mention disrespectful all around, and not only fiscally.

I don't think I could tolerate such deception and such irresponsibility from a person who claims to love me and want a relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hburg3r said:


> well, getting a divorce is not an easy decision and an option I highly dislike, but I do not want to live with anger and resentment for the rest of my life. I just want to have a good husband and live in peace.
> 
> @VibrantWings, according to my husband, since the property is solely under his name, if he gets into a debt, the bank will only come after him and not me. But I do not think this is as easy as that, even if the debt belongs to him alone, his bad finances will also affect both our lives not only him. In reality we are living as a family.


The bank will come after you if he defaults, that's why you had to sign the form. Even if you separate the same will apply.


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## MidnightBlue (Nov 20, 2017)

I appears to me that you are married to someone who doesn’t see you as an equal partner in the relationship. 

The “what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her” attitude he seems to have can be nothing but harmful to this marriage. If he thinks that way about finances, he’ll likely have no problem applying to other areas. 

If you choose to stay married to this man, you’ll have to be constantly on your guard. It seems to be a pretty exhausting way to live.


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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

Man, problems of the one percent. I recently placed our family in a small amount of financial stress because I went to Sonic (on the down low) and got a nine dollar combo, leaving me unable to pay the water bill on time a week later.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

hburg3r said:


> @Diana7 thank you for your feedback. A parts of of his salary will be used to pay back the mortgage and to the people he borrowed to. *He also claims once the property is rented, he basically has enough money to balance all of his expenses and he will not have anymore financial issue.*
> 
> It is good to get feedback from all of you, at least to get affirmation that his behavior is not OK. When you are in a marriage that is not quite right for sometime, you tend to lose your way. Your feedback has at least gave me some direction that my thoughts are not completely irrational.


Yeah, no. The reality is that he will have to pay property tax, insurance, inspections every time he rents the house or once a year (depending on state and local requirements. Here landlords have to have an inspection with every new lease or yearly, whichever happens first) and for any repairs, including damage done by tenants, their pets, the weather, and so on. Getting tenants who don't pay rent evicted can be an expensive and time consuming process during which there is no income generated from the property. And, of course, he won't be making a dime while the house is empty during renovation or between tenants.

Realistically, he may be lucky if he breaks even or makes a small profit until the mortgage is paid off. Especially with repairs and renovations factored in.



hburg3r said:


> well, getting a divorce is not an easy decision and an option I highly dislike, but I do not want to live with anger and resentment for the rest of my life. I just want to have a good husband and live in peace.
> 
> @VibrantWings,* according to my husband, since the property is solely under his name, if he gets into a debt, the bank will only come after him and not me. *But I do not think this is as easy as that, even if the debt belongs to him alone, his bad finances will also affect both our lives not only him. In reality we are living as a family.


In most states, married couples are responsible for debt incurred during the marriage just as they are entitled to assets gained during the marriage. In other words, if this goes belly up you WILL be on the hook with him. That's why the state required you sign for the purchase. Also, many states merge married couples credit, so the mortgage very well may show up on your credit report in the future (it took 6 months for our mortgage to make it to our credit reports). You need to speak with a lawyer and find out exactly what you agreed to when you signed those papers.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You can always cite that you signed under duress. Which is not at all far from the truth. He lied by omission then railroaded you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

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Satya said:


> You can always cite that you signed under duress. Which is not at all far from the truth. He lied by omission then railroaded you.


It would be best to do this sooner rather than later.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Since you've discussed this with him and he doesn't get it, he's not very likely to change. That leaves you with two options -- stay or go. IC could potentially help with that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, so there are a lot of questions not addressed yet.

1. How old are the two of you?

2. Second marriages?

3. How many other properties does he own?

4. How many properties do the two of you own?

5. Do you have children together and/or separately?

6. Is it possible the property will appreciate in value to your benefit?

7. Will the cash flow from renting it out pay the entire expense of the property?

8. Can you, instead of blowing up the marriage, get him to quick-claim to you 50% of the ownership since you share 100% of the risk?

9. Is the buying , renting, and selling of properties his primary business or a sideline he's had since before you married?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Are you two in love? Sex multiple times a week? Can't keep hands off each other? 

Seems like a very strange relationship.

Need more info to determine if you two have a normal marriage.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How many states require this kind of signature when you're married?

This happened to my sister ......... he was already 3 years into an affair......


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

hburg3r said:


> Thank you so much for all your replies. I do not have many people to discussed about this since I am too embarrased to say anything to my friends about what my husband did. From the outside, our friends see that we have a pretty ideal and stable marriage. We never air your dirty laundry to our friends.
> 
> It seems everybody agrees that what my husband did is really terrible. I found my sanity again.
> The question is whether it merits a divorce or not. A lot of people here say yes, some other people say I need to talk to him.
> ...


You going on your own for counseling would be pointless, IMO. It would have to be together for resolution- especially since he's pretending to be clueless or he's an arrogant ass. Either way, HE needs some help- if he even gives a damn.

He caused the ****storm so he needs to get in the damn boat and start bailing it out.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If i was married to someone where we kept our finances separate and that would poopoo everything or eyeball everything and stifle my ideas or cause missed opportunities. Then I might do something like this. You guys have your own money protected by a prenuptial agreement. So he is free to do as he pleases. As are you with your protected assets.

You are also free to say this is bullcrap hes being wreckless with his money and I am saving my money I don't feel comfortable with this we are not compatiable financially. 

But I wouldn't have cut it so close that she would have to cover my ass bill wise. That part is definitely wrong. 

Just because you don't think its a wise investment doesn't mean its a bad investment. It could end up being a good one. His thresholds for risk might be greater than yours.

If its a deal breaker then make it a deal breaker. Only you can decide.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> This sounds like a strange sort of marriage were such things are hidden and money is kept separate. To me marriage has always been that whatever you have when you marry is both of yours from then on. That all purchases are discussed and agreed together.
> What he did was terrible and especially as he now expects you to pay all the bills. Also if he defaults on the mortgage the bank can and will come after you. I would never have agreed to sign.
> 
> *How will he pay the loans back to the people he borrowed from? How will he afford the renovations*?


:iagree:

And if he decides to rent it out, how will be afford building code inspections, licencees, insurance, etc?


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## hburg3r (Jan 1, 2018)

VibrantWings said:


> You going on your own for counseling would be pointless, IMO. It would have to be together for resolution- especially since he's pretending to be clueless or he's an arrogant ass. Either way, HE needs some help- if he even gives a damn.
> 
> He caused the ****storm so he needs to get in the damn boat and start bailing it out.


 @VibrantWings, thank you for your comment. Going to counseling is for me. I do not feel right in the head the past months just because all the anger that I feel.


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