# how to motivate a man?



## jaffacake (Dec 5, 2013)

Gentlemen, I would really appreciate some suggestions and thoughts on my husband’s behaviours.

We have been married for 5 years, together 10. Husband decided to change his career 2 years ago to become an English teacher. With my full support, he left his previous job, and purchased the study material. He did it for about 3 weeks, then he gave up. Since then, he hasn’t gone back to work. There were jobs available, but he never pursued them. He is not depressed or physically ill, but chose not to work, as he calls himself “semi-retire”. 
Truth to be told, I have lost my respect and love for him. When I get home after 10 hours working, he is normally watching TV or surfing on internet, with pajamas on. If I don’t go to the supermarket, there won’t be anything in the fridge. I have tried to encourage trying different things, such as charity work or sporting activities, but he isn’t very interested.
Are there any other things I can encourage him to do? How can I motivate him? 
Any ideas will be helpful. Thanks
(husband is 52, I am 35, so this is not his mid-life crisis, we already been through that before)


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You reward the positive things he does, and ignore the bad behavior. That means that if he leaves a mess, you do not clean it up. If he doesn't do laundry, do your own, but not his. If he doesn't help by going shopping when asked, shop for just enough to feed yourself, and only cook enough for yourself.

You also state your expectations, in a neutral way, or say how pleased you'd be if he'd do X. Then leave it alone for a month before saying the same thing again, and respond as I've said above. If and when he does something productive, notice it and compliment him. Show an interest, but not so much that he feels any pressue. It eventually has to come from his own motivation, or it won't work long term.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

One of the reasons I left my 29 year marriage was that she was capable, but unwilling, to work. It puts ALL the load on one person in the relationship, and if that's not the arrangement going in, with no kids, there's absolutely no reason both can't contribute to the household. 

So to me, he sounds lazy, entitled, he got his young trophy wife and look, I don't even have to work any more. She does it all. 

Aside from that, how is his health overall? If he has low testoterone, for example, he may have low energy and drive to do much of anything. There may be physical reasons why he doesn't accomplish anything. 

Frankly, a life like his would drive me nuts, but I'm a rather type A personality, I'll admit. 

Hope some of these ideas help you.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

If my wife told me she didn't respect me and furthermore wasn't attracted to me because I'm acting like a lazy, entitle child, it would get my attention. 

I'd be brutally honest and let him know that the free ride is not going to end well if he doesn't get his sh*t together.


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