# wife says I smother her and want to leave



## father of 4

we have been married for 18 years and have hade a real good relationship in the past About 7 years ago i got hurt at work and was off for a while and was not showing her the attention she needed and kinda pushed her away I have never cheated on her although i have talked to other woman online before but nothing ever came of it 6 months ago she kicked me out for a day till we worked things out after i came back she said I needed to show her more attention so i did it was then she started talking and texting one of my male friends from work at first I was jellous and was checking her phone and text she started to erase her meesages before i got home so i got a little worried should i be now my friend has said that he will not talk to her any more because of our other problems till we get them solved. she is mad because she thinks i told him that .It was his decision. now she says that i am smothering her and that i dont trust her and has told me she is not in love with me any more how can i change myself and have her change her problems so we can stay together


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## BigBadWolf

Welcome.

Your story, it is very common.

The good news, there are proven cause and effects for these things, so that when you understand them you can stop doing wrong things, and start doing right things.

The bad news, these things, they not always obvious, can be counterintuitive to some men, they take courage, as to see them through, it seems as though the greatest of all risks in the world.

BUt understand, now you are hurting, and in the relationship sense maybe not seeing the forrest for the trees, but many people here, we have been through the forrest for years, can see the trees, have names for these trees, and know what trees are beneficial and which trees are destructive. 

So first tings first.

Your woman, although maybe or maybe not physical affair (PA), is definitive showing signs of emotional affair (EA) and these signs are some of these:

"I love you but not in love with you" (or not in love anymore, unhappy, need space, you're too controlling, need to see other people, etc.). This means there is either an affair man in the picture, or close to be.


There are many at this forum to help with affairs, they are devastingly effective with the one two three punches on the steps to do. 

I will only say, if there is an affair man in the picture, this man needs to be knocked out of the picture asap, and until that happens, it is worthless to do anything or try anything or say anything else until that happens. 

A woman will only be emotionally attached to one man at a time. If this man is not you but some affair man, then she is simply will not be looking to fix the marriage. This is a fact.

For yourself, stop walking on eggshells, stop trying to "change" to make her happy or kiss her butt or take responsibility for "not showing her enough attention" or some such nonsense. That is a smokescreen from her to cover the real issues.

Instead, like I said counterintuitive maybe, you need to only "change" as far as working on your own attractiveness - confidence, calmness, appearance, hit the gym, resume YOUR hobbies and interest, your independence, you know the things about yourself that attracted your woman to you in the first place when you were dating, and that you have given up over the years.

1. Stop the affair man.
2. Become the most attractive "you" possible.
3. Set your own goals and standards to fix the marriage, and move in your direction in your leadership in your timing. (for example, set up your own appointment for joint marriage counselling, and let your wife know when and where and that you expect her participation, etc).

These things are a start for now.

I wish you well.


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## Pandakiss

i want to bottom line this for you, no bs, she has a lot of resenment built up it could be something petty, but everybodys petty is someone elses petty.

you have to get her to talk about it. and you have to talk about things also.

if im off base, i aplogize


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## unbelievable

You said nothing came of your texting this other woman. Something did come of it. It broke the bonds of intimacy and trust you had with your wife. She engaged in the exact same conduct that you thought was perfectly acceptable to do to her. You're naturally suspicious of her communications with this guy because you know your own texts were way out of line. Trust, like virginity, is a precious gift, but one that is awfully easy to lose and nearly impossible to get back. You have forfeited the right to expect or demand loyalty from her. If you show yourself worthy, she might trust you and she might return the favor. You both have invested a great deal into this relationship and it would be a shame to trash it. If you do win her trust again, I suggest you very jealously guard it. If you can rebuild that sacred circle that only includes you two, don't let anyone else inside it.


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