# Telling H's family & friends



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I've seen a lot of people here on TAM telling BSs that they should expose an A to everyone - family, friends, on facebook, etc. I have only told my close friends and close family about what STBXH did, and mainly his emotional abuse. I have been too embarrassed to talk about his EAs. I know they would wonder why I didn't leave.

I'm still pretty close with my MIL. She doesn't understand what happened between us. We were separated for months (though living together at the time) when she visited us last May. Something he did when she was visiting was a last straw for me, and the morning after she left, I told him I was done letting him jerk me around. We finally told our families, but the reasons were always nebulous. STBXH at least took responsibility for initiating everything and not being willing to go to counseling.

My question is: should I still be *****-footing around issues when I talk to his mom or sisters or friends? He has admitted once or twice to 'bullying' me (because he didn't like the term 'abuse'), but now denies it. He used to admit that he had inappropriate relationships with other women, but now denies that, too. I don't think his family would think either of these things were no big deal. They know how I took care of him when he had his breakdown, and dealt with his depression before that. If I tell them, I feel like I'm tattling, but I also feel like I'm lying when I omit what he did, and the things he told me were his reasons for splitting, one of the biggest being that he wanted to be with other women.

What do you all think?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is a certian degree of exposure with the hope of an intervention that will make the behavior more difficult and inconvienent to continue, but when the behavior is no more a concern of yours and you have made the choice to move on, then what good does the exposure do in helping out your sitch.

My take is if you want to face this unhealthy behavior and help fix it then exposure with the an intervention from others may help.

But at the end of the day it was your STBXH choices that ended the marriage and that is on him to answer for. 

The truth should never be [email protected]@y footed around when it come to the crap you had to put up with.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

No, I don't really think exposing it will fix anything. I just don't know why I should keep covering for him. When his family asks how things are going for me, and how I'm taking care of myself, I have mentioned the support group I'm going to, without telling them that it's for abuse recovery. STBXH doesn't even deal with that - he refers to it as a group for divorced and divorcing women. I have told him it's about having healthier relationships (because of his denial, and not wanting him to think I'm having our son brainwashed when he goes with me - the kids just play, no counseling), but if he looks on the organization's website, he can see that the support groups are for abuse survivors. 

My MIL divorced her first husband due to his drinking, and was a single mom for 10 years before she met STBXH's dad. Unfortunately, he's also an alcoholic, with a violent abusive temper. I don't think my MIL would be surprised to hear that her son ended up taking after his dad.

So I guess my reason would just be to not have to feel like I need to hide things. I don't need to bash him. But it just feels wrong for me to act like everything was perfect until he said he wanted to split, whether or not I think these things that happened were relationship-breakers or not.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I didn't share, but I wish I had. Now they think only what he has told them, and my kids hear his spin when they visit the inlaws. If there is a way you can clear your own name, I would do it now. Sitting in silence like I did only makes everything he might be telling them carry more weight. Good luck with your group. I wish you well.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I've seen a lot of people here on TAM telling BSs that they should expose an A to everyone - family, friends, on facebook, etc. I have only told my close friends and close family about what STBXH did, and mainly his emotional abuse. I have been too embarrassed to talk about his EAs. I know they would wonder why I didn't leave.


Exposure first halts the infidelity train. That is the main purpose. Secondly, people around you come to know of A. 
Exposure should be tailored to suit the case. If R is on the cards, then limit the exposure.



angelpixie said:


> I'm still pretty close with my MIL. She doesn't understand what happened between us. We were separated for months (though living together at the time) when she visited us last May. Something he did when she was visiting was a last straw for me, and the morning after she left, I told him I was done letting him jerk me around. We finally told our families, but the reasons were always nebulous. STBXH at least took responsibility for initiating everything and not being willing to go to counseling.


You have tolerated enough. Get out and live a life in honour.



angelpixie said:


> My question is: should I still be *****-footing around issues when I talk to his mom or sisters or friends? He has admitted once or twice to 'bullying' me (because he didn't like the term 'abuse'), but now denies it. He used to admit that he had inappropriate relationships with other women, but now denies that, too. I don't think his family would think either of these things were no big deal. They know how I took care of him when he had his breakdown, and dealt with his depression before that. If I tell them, I feel like I'm tattling, but I also feel like I'm lying when I omit what he did, and the things he told me were his reasons for splitting, one of the biggest being that he wanted to be with other women.


It seems you have not gathered evidences of his wrongdoings.
Now, he goes without any consequence. That is a mistake you should not have committed.

The fact that he was bullying you came from his attraction / affair with OW.


angelpixie said:


> What do you all think?


Expose to wak him up. Collect evidences before even confronting. I think you missed the opportunity there.


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