# I Royally screwed up and I need help



## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

I married the woman of my dreams in 2005. It was the greatest day of my life. So why did I screw up and do things that would hurt her? I flirted with other girls, when I wasn't in her presence. I quit smoking, drinking alcohol and coffee when we got together. I was recently charged with assault 4 and communication with a minor. The communication charge was dismissed but I was convicted of the assault charge. She didn't know about these charges. I tried to hide them from her as I was afraid that when she found out about them that my life with her would be over. I have never been alone in my life, I was scared. What do I do? Where do I turn? What is going to happen with my life? I thought for sure we were done. So being an idiot, and apparently an overly horny male, I started a search for another girl. I met 2 "professionals" paid one for a "BJ", just talked with the other. I don't know why I didn't allow myself to do anything with the other one, just talked to her about the business, and my wife the whole time. I haven't shown my wife how much I love her over the last few months but I absolutely do. She holds my heart, mind, and soul. We were separated for 2 months, divorce papers filed, restraining orders in place. Recently we started talking again, restraining orders lifted. We are talking about reconciliation of our marriage. I am in counseling, trying to figure out my issues. Over the last few years I have lied to her about little things, such as me having a cigarette. I would lie so convincingly that she would think it was just her. Why would I do these things to the person I love more than life itself? I don't know.. that's what I'm trying to figure out. I want so badly for my marriage to work out, but why am I such an idiot? I lied to her just two weeks ago, yet again. I slept with my ex, just prior to us starting to talk again. She asked me if I did anything with her. "EW NO", was my response. I did sleep with her, I didn't tell my wife that I did because, well first I was ashamed of myself for letting that happen, and second YUCKYUCKYUCK. So why did I let it happen? I don't know.. Am I just some sex craved perv? Is there any hope for me? I would like to think I can get beyond this. I want to be with my wife more than anything in this world. I know I can change my ways, I know I can be the father our kids need. I just need to figure out how to do it.
PLEASE if you have any ideas, thoughts or suggestions LET ME KNOW... I want my wife to be happy... I want to live up to our vows "til death do us part". Of course if I keep being an idiot, that may be pretty soon. Hmm does she still have that life insurance policy on me? Anyways... please help me if you can.


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## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

One thing I forgot to add to this is when I found the two "professionals" I found someone else local and started a relationship with her, got a house, and told my wife I wasn't coming back. I was at my house one night, heard the front door open, this girl was at my house waiting for a friend to get her, it was too early for the friend to be there. I got up and opened my bedroom door, "OH SH%&" it was my wife, I got my butt kicked, and was I was dumb enough to call the PD instead of taking what I deserved.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well what you have done is because you are selfish, and you really need to look at yourself.

Second get tested for STDs because if your wife takes you back than she doesn't deserve your issues.

Third get counciling, and a hobby to keep you away from all the other BS. 

You need to know how good your wife is and really make it up to her for all you have done to her. There is no excuse, other than the fact you acted in a selfish way. But you can't correct the past but you need to have a perfect future and allow your wife crystal clear proof by living an open life of your changes. It will take years to get her trust back if ever at all. But one step will do you in.

Find religion, it can't hurt.

Did you do jail time for the assault 4?

draconis


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

This thread is my husband....I know he sounds like a complete jerk who doesn't even desserve a response, but please comment...good or bad...he needs to hear what people have to say. He needs critisism and advice. He has a really deep whole to dig out of....if it is even possible. There have got to be some of you out there who have at least had some of the things he did cross your mind....how did you keep them as thoughts and not actions? Faithfull, honest men, help him...please! He needs the help whether or not our marriage can be saved. It is only holding on by threads at the moment...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Here's my honest thoughts on this. I don't believe if you are looking to start a relationship with a woman, you hire prostitues. You did that because you wanted sex and didn't respect your wife enough to control your urges. Same with sleeping with your ex...you made the choice to put getting some sex before your respect for your wife. It's a selfish choice.

Same with saying inappropriate things to/in front of teenaged girl(s)...I would guess you were hoping for a positive response from her, testing the waters, and it backfired. Be honest with yourself, was that really as innocent as you make it out to be?

You speak of not wanting to be alone and I believe this fear is driving you back to your marriage, but I think if she lets you back in, you will likely get comfortable again and start this up again at some point as these urges you have seem to have more power over you than your commitment to your wife and making her feel loved, honored and cherished. 

I do not think you should be in her life until you feel deep down that you really want to make her happy 24/7 and nothing else is as important than that to you. Right now, your own desires take priority over your wife's happiness, even at the extreme detriment to your marriage. She doesn't deserve that and shouldn't cave and hope for the best while she has being trying to give you her best in the marriage all along. 

At this point, do you believe you could live on your own and resist having sex with other women? IMO, the only way she should even consider reconciling is if, after counseling, you really have gotten past this and want to be committed to one woman. 

I would definitely consider permanent surgery so you cannot have more children. The ones you have are suffering due to your selfish behavior and you certainly don't need to bring more kids into the world. They need a stable home and mom is doing her best to provide that but you are doing the opposite with your selfish behavior.


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## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

I know that you are right.. I am ready to give 300% to my wife and my family. I lost all self confidence in myself, my life, my business and my marriage. I felt lost and confused as to what I should do and how I should react to the court papers that were filed on me. I should have given my wife the chance to help me through it before I made her decision for her that she didn't want to be with me. That was dumb on my part, I made her choice, and I made a HORRIBLE choice on my part. My wife means the world to me, though I didn't show it before, at least not at the end. I am ready and willing to be the husband and father that I need to be not only for them but for myself. I know what I did and how I did it was wrong on many MANY levels. I am working on fixing that, and I am willing to walk whatever roads I need to in order to be there for my family, my wife and myself. The surgery was completed 3 years ago.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

There are some things about yourself that you may not have complete control over right now. You have impulse control issues. Those things may or may not be in your control right now. There is one thing you have control over that will turn your life around. 

HONESTY. You can be honest. You make a deliberate, calculated, conscious choice to lie. When you make a the deliberate choice to lie, you make the choice not to heal. 

You're going to make more mistakes. Make the choice to be honest about it. Then you will eventually stop.


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## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

I am working on my honesty issues at this time. I am in counseling myself to try to get help in finding out my problems, I am getting ready to find out about seeing a psychiatrist to see if they can offer me any advice as well. I am tired of hurting my wife, my kids and myself. I don't like knowing what I did to them and I hate myself for doing it. I wish I could turn back time to correct it all. My wife and I are in marriage counseling at this time as well, she is willing to stand by me as I work out my problems. I know I have a long road ahead to make things right at home, and to regain everyones trust but I am willing to walk that road as long as it takes. My wife is my life, my kids are my life, without them the last couple months, I almost had no life. I never want to be in that situation again. I never want to see the pain in their eyes again, and I never again want to know that it was me that caused all that pain.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

f'nidiotneedshelp said:


> I am working on my honesty issues at this time. I am in counseling myself to try to get help in finding out my problems, I am getting ready to find out about seeing a psychiatrist to see if they can offer me any advice as well. I am tired of hurting my wife, my kids and myself. I don't like knowing what I did to them and I hate myself for doing it. I wish I could turn back time to correct it all. My wife and I are in marriage counseling at this time as well, she is willing to stand by me as I work out my problems. I know I have a long road ahead to make things right at home, and to regain everyones trust but I am willing to walk that road as long as it takes. My wife is my life, my kids are my life, without them the last couple months, I almost had no life. I never want to be in that situation again. I never want to see the pain in their eyes again, and I never again want to know that it was me that caused all that pain.


To do all you have done and have your wife still with you is a blessing. Alot of us on here including myself did really nothing wrong and our wife/husband separated from us. So my friend if you are given another chance you need to really decide what you want and if its to stay married you need to treat your wife like she is the queen of the earth. Get yourself the help you need and focus forward..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

f'nidiotneedshelp said:


> I am in counseling myself to try to get help in finding out my problems, I am getting ready to find out about seeing a psychiatrist to see if they can offer me any advice as well. I am tired of hurting my wife, my kids and myself.


Counseling is fine, but most of the understanding will come from your own research. do not rely on a psychiatrist to know the answers. They do not know. Trust me. Ive been to my fair share and my sister has also. Counselors work if you already have a clue. if you have no clue, they are little more then enablers. 

Dont be afraid to talk about your problem. Being embarrassed and hiding it is sure way to get yourself back in it. One thing i love about alcoholics anonymous is the openness. They are encouraged to talk with those going through the same thing. You will never find more support and healing then in talking with those who are going through the same trials.


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## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

I have acknowledged that I have a problem. I am trying to get the help that I need, not only with counselors, but with my wife, family and friends. I am reading self help books that I have found a lot of truth about me in. I am aware of my problems, and I am aware of how lucky I am to have a wife like mine. She is so wonderful, and I was so stupid not to have taken better care of her in the past. I plan to treat her better than a queen for the rest of our life, and for all of eternity. We are getting along very well, we are communicating better now than we have in the past, I am being more open with my feelings. I guess the counseling is helping at least a little in that respect. It also helps that the counselor we are going to is also a personal family friend, makes it a little easier to talk to him. I know how lucky I am to have a woman like this, I am very VERY surprised that she was willing to give me another chance, but I am VERY VERY happy that she did. She knows I love her, I know she loves me, and I know that with a LOT of hard work on my side, our marriage will work out in the end. I hope that I can figure out the "authentic me" very soon, that way I can live a happier more effective life, and so that my wife will be excited to have me as her hubby and best friend again.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I am really happy that you have come around. I remember reading some of your wife's posts and I was shocked to read yours on here, and to hear she was supporting you. She is indeed a one of a kind. 

Your story reminds me of the son that went astray, and was celebrated all the more for his return.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

f'nidiotneedshelp said:


> I have acknowledged that I have a problem. I am trying to get the help that I need, not only with counselors, but with my wife, family and friends. I am reading self help books that I have found a lot of truth about me in. I am aware of my problems, and I am aware of how lucky I am to have a wife like mine. She is so wonderful, and I was so stupid not to have taken better care of her in the past. I plan to treat her better than a queen for the rest of our life, and for all of eternity. We are getting along very well, we are communicating better now than we have in the past, I am being more open with my feelings. I guess the counseling is helping at least a little in that respect. It also helps that the counselor we are going to is also a personal family friend, makes it a little easier to talk to him. I know how lucky I am to have a woman like this, I am very VERY surprised that she was willing to give me another chance, but I am VERY VERY happy that she did. She knows I love her, I know she loves me, and I know that with a LOT of hard work on my side, our marriage will work out in the end. I hope that I can figure out the "authentic me" very soon, that way I can live a happier more effective life, and so that my wife will be excited to have me as her hubby and best friend again.


Good luck brother, alot of us would love to have that chance. I believe your sincerity and also believe you will be ok.

Cheers!!


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## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

I truly do have a one of a kind wife, I am fortunate that she is willing to accept me and give me another chance. I love her with all my heart. We just watched "Fireproof" and that movie really is a tear jerker, but man what an eye opener. I love my wife and I will do everything it takes to make our marriage indestructible, irregardless what that means.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

f'nidiotneedshelp said:


> We just watched "Fireproof" and that movie really is a tear jerker, but man what an eye opener. I love my wife and I will do everything it takes to make our marriage indestructible, irregardless what that means.


The movie did not get great reviews but its for people like us. I am going to rent it and watch it this week. I will post my thoughts.

hang in there brother.


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## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

I hope that the movie hits you like it did me. I realize a lot of my faults, I realize that I haven't shown my love to my wife that I should have. I am going to show her my love every day of my life for as long as that may be. She is more important to me than anybody else ever could be. I know I have made a lot of mistakes but this is the point where I need to buck up and be the man and take full responsibility for everything. I just hope that someday I can be truly forgiven, and completely loved by her again. I will keep you posted on how that progress goes.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Wow, if I didn't know better, I would think this is my husband posting here, right down to your screen name, f'nidiotneedshelp! It sounds like something my husband would choose if he were ever to post on a forum like this. Seriously though, speaking from the "betrayed spouse" perspective, what you are saying here sounds so much like what my husband has been telling me ever since he confessed to everything 3 months ago. 

What my husband did was different and perhaps not quite as severe, but he also has no real idea why he continued to f8*& things up so badly in our marriage when he truly did love me. So, reading your posts helps give some insight into what my husband might have been thinking and feeling. 

I'm glad to hear your wife is standing by you--I am doing the same for my husband because I love him. Please treat her well and never, ever break your promises again.:smthumbup:


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