# how to have an intimate relationship



## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

I wanted to start a little online blog about how to keep the marriage alive. I am a part time marriage counselor, and a full time husband. Knowing the divorce rate in current times, I love to see a marriage succeed, so that is why I am here. I will start off by telling you what I tell my clients. Then number one question I ask is does your partner and yourself have an intimate relationship? That is the #1 key to a successful relationship. There have been numerous of professionals say that a key to having a happy marriage is to have sex every 48-72 hours. Now let’s face the facts, that is hard to do but so is marriage. There are temptations at work, school, church, etc.. Everywhere you go there is a temptation of lust. Im telling you if you have a good sex life then you will not have those temptations of cheating. Cheating is probably the #1 cause of divorce. People cheat because there not happy with their sex life at home. sex With your spouse isn’t just to not go out and have sex with someone else it is to have the romantic connection with your spous. It is to have the feeling that there is someone there for you, someone to comfort you when you are feeling sad. If you have sex every other day, your spous won’t feel like your friend anymore, but a intimate relationship, a lover . Im challenging all the readers that are reading this (probably only 1 or 2 lol) to have sex with your spous every 48-72 hours for 1 month then tell me how much better relationship you have with eachother. I am currently going to start the challenge myself starting tonight. I will let you all know how it goes. If your spouse doesn’t want to, then you need to have a talk with them. Tell him/her that you love him/her, and want to grow old with each other. I promise you that if you talk to your spouse and explain your desires, it will just make it 100% better. there is so much more to talk about but I am out of time right now. If you have any questions please message me or post something. thanks to all my readers

marriage counselor


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

people often tell me how awesome things were before they got married. i asked them why? 75% of the time they say that the effection is not there. that is why i put the 48 hour challenge on you. i tell them to start holding hands everywere you go, kissing your spous whenever you get home from work. bring roses to your spous with a simple card that says i love you. those type of things brings out the effection in a relationship. these type of things will bring back the good ol' days when yall were dating. 

marrige counselor


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Although I like the idea of sex every 48-72 hours and don't think it takes a marriage counselor to prescribe, I have a bit of a hard time believing he is indeed a marriage counselor when he repeatedly misspells SPOUSE as SPOUS. Kind of like an attorney spelling client as klyant. Nice try though and I do like your advice no matter who you are.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hey it can't hurt to try it, physical touch is a great thing for both partners


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yeah, well, getting my wife to agree to this is the challenge, and i wont win it. its great in theory but i think a couple has to be at a certain level of intimacy already to pull this off. alot of couples on here it seems would not be at that level. with a willing partner i would have sex everyday without batting an eye.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

squirsh2000 said:


> I can engage with sex with a prostitute every 48-72 hours and have great sex while doing it. Does that mean that we would be good partners as well? Possibly (but doubtful) because there are different emotional needs that need to ne met through intimacy. Just my opinion, doesnt mean Im right, or wrong.



i can't completely agree, she isnt there for sex with YOU, she is providing a service to you for money (and every 48 hours would get expensive )


in my mind, great sex between two people that are consenting to be together is a foundation for all other things good. you obviously had a conflicting experience and i certainly agree there are exceptions to everything. without sex, most relationships dont succeed. i know there are couples that have matched low libidos and that would be another exception.

how long would you have lasted as a couple without sex?


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

im a part time counselor. im not an english teacher. many counselors dont have to right, they talk. the 48 hour is just 1 part of things to make a better marrige. you of course have to still communicate well and not only be lovers but best friends. the 48 hour challenge brings you closer as a couple. many people only have sex 1 time a month if that. if they can have sex with their spouse 1 time every 2 to 3 days it will bring you closer to one another.


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

might disagree with me here, but i think fighting with your spouse is not always a bad thing. Im not saying fight with your spouse every day, but once every other week or so is not too bad. Fighting brings out emotions, and brings out things that you have locked away in your body. It releases stress, and releases pain that you have been feeling. There are many things that bother partners about one another. Sometimes a habit that they do, a way they present themselves, a certain way the talk to one another. When you fight it is easier to talk about what it is pissing you off because you are not scared to tell one another how you feel due to the intense anger that is built up in you. It is important to make up after the fights and talk about the situation. In my opinion the best way to make up is through sex Then after that you are both relaxed and can talk about what you will do to help prevent certain habits excelling further into the relationship.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

intimate said:


> might disagree with me here, but i think fighting with your spouse is not always a bad thing. Im not saying fight with your spouse every day, but once every other week or so is not too bad. Fighting brings out emotions, and brings out things that you have locked away in your body. It releases stress, and releases pain that you have been feeling. There are many things that bother partners about one another. Sometimes a habit that they do, a way they present themselves, a certain way the talk to one another. When you fight it is easier to talk about what it is pissing you off because you are not scared to tell one another how you feel due to the intense anger that is built up in you. It is important to make up after the fights and talk about the situation. In my opinion the best way to make up is through sex Then after that you are both relaxed and can talk about what you will do to help prevent certain habits excelling further into the relationship.



sex after fighting can be wild, we fought like wolverines the other day, i'm patiently waiting now :smthumbup:


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

you are exactly right, sex is not the only thing that will keep a marrige alive, but is one of the biggest things. here is an example on another one of my beliefs. You want a person not only as a lover but a best friend. I know people who are so board when they are with their spouse. If you can’t have fun when you are with your spous, then you your self will not be happy. Whenever you have kids, I guarantee you that you will not have that time to spend with your friends as before. Since that is the case, you are going to want to have that friendship bond with your spouse.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

intimate said:


> you are exactly right, sex is not the only thing that will keep a marrige alive, but is one of the biggest things. here is an example on another one of my beliefs. You want a person not only as a lover but a best friend. I know people who are so board when they are with their spouse. If you can’t have fun when you are with your spous, then you your self will not be happy. Whenever you have kids, I guarantee you that you will not have that time to spend with your friends as before. Since that is the case, you are going to want to have that friendship bond with your spouse.


absolutely no question that lack of sexual intimacy with my wife makes me not want to be around her in other settings. i guess i feel like i'm the one making all the consessions, she gets it her way and i get nothing. that i enable all her "habits"


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

thats how i used to feel with my wife, until i straight up told her how i felt. sometimes you have to talk to your spouse and make them realize that an intimate (for the most part) relationship is what keeps a marrige alive. it doesnt just have to be sex, but maybe taking a bath together or snuggling watching a movie.. thsoe types of things can really keep a marrige healthy. its sometimes nerve racking talking to your spouse about sexual encounters because it has been lacking for so long, but once you do talk to him/her about, and together yall truley want to have a happy intimate marrige then it will be rewarding.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

intimate said:


> thats how i used to feel with my wife, until i straight up told her how i felt. sometimes you have to talk to your spouse and make them realize that an intimate (for the most part) relationship is what keeps a marrige alive. it doesnt just have to be sex, but maybe taking a bath together or snuggling watching a movie.. thsoe types of things can really keep a marrige healthy. its sometimes nerve racking talking to your spouse about sexual encounters because it has been lacking for so long, but once you do talk to him/her about, and together yall truley want to have a happy intimate marrige then it will be rewarding.



did your discussion with your wife specify that she needed to act more interested and actually initiate some of those intimate moments?

this brings us right back to the "who initiates" discussion. mine is content to wait on me, without giving me any clues, which also means she is content to do without. discussion is fruitless, it may help for the very short term, but we will be right back in no time. writing is on the wall


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> did your discussion with your wife specify that she needed to act more interested and actually initiate some of those intimate moments?
> 
> this brings us right back to the "who initiates" discussion. mine is content to wait on me, without giving me any clues, which also means she is content to do without. discussion is fruitless, it may help for the very short term, but we will be right back in no time. writing is on the wall



i was always the one having to start every little sexual encounter we had, and i felt like she only wanted to do it to keep me happy. its not really a turn on to have her just lay there and paly dead wile your going away at her.. it got to the point where i didnt even want it anymore because she was so "not into it"... after i talked to her, she told me that it was because it was the same ol' same ol' every time... after she said that i started going down on her more and changing thing up.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I think this is definitely "one size fits most" advice. Of course it won't work for everyone, but I do agree it would definitely help "tilt" most marriages in the right direction.

I think at its base sex is about acceptance, trust, and connection. All in all not a bad foundation to build a relationship on. Like anything else though it can be "cheapened" i.e. the prostitute references.

However, "paid sex" is actually quite sad and pathetic. This is a far, far cry from the connection achieved between two people who actually love one another. 

Anyway, just one man's thoughts. 

LIL


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

My W and I are divorcing, because of several unresolved issues...one of which was lack of sex. There were anger and appearance issues, among others, that simply turned me off from her. I wasn't attracted to her hardly at all...and it was hard to fake it, when I didn't feel like being intimate with her. Unfortunately, it was this way for years.

We went through ALOT of counseling to resolve our differences, but to no avail. It is what it is.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Malibu17 said:


> My W and I are divorcing, because of several unresolved issues...one of which was lack of sex. There were anger and appearance issues, among others, that simply turned me off from her. I wasn't attracted to her hardly at all...and it was hard to fake it, when I didn't feel like being intimate with her. Unfortunately, it was this way for years.
> 
> We went through ALOT of counseling to resolve our differences, but to no avail. It is what it is.



sorry to hear, but we all tend to look at the marriage dynamic as something overly complicated sometimes, when it really isnt in most cases. i think its quite probable that after many years together people just change and the gap becomes too wide for the marriage to succeed. by nature we want to solve it until it becomes inevitable that going seperate ways is the only solution.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

WOWEEE. Lots of interesting points of view.
Bottom Line? I like the idea of potentially having sex at least every 48 hours so Im IN... now to convince HER!!!.

I'll make sure that I mention this is Dr. recommended.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Put your spouse's needs in the first and foremost and you will NEVER have problems. Most marriages struggle after the honeymoon cause they stop working at their relationship. They say well that's my wife and stop. The flowers. the nice gestures. The thinking of when out.. Even the holding hands while watching tv together. If you don't work at it what do you expect to get from it??


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## Star (Dec 6, 2009)

63Vino said:


> WOWEEE. Lots of interesting points of view.
> Bottom Line? I like the idea of potentially having sex at least every 48 hours so Im IN... now to convince HER!!!.
> 
> I'll make sure that I mention this is Dr. recommended.




Lol!!! I have the same problem as you, only I need to convince HIM!!


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Loving Husband said:


> Put your spouse's needs in the first and foremost and you will NEVER have problems. Most marriages struggle after the honeymoon cause they stop working at their relationship. They say well that's my wife and stop. The flowers. the nice gestures. The thinking of when out.. Even the holding hands while watching tv together. If you don't work at it what do you expect to get from it??


I agree with this...unless the W has ongoing anger, negativism issues, as well as mental problems...


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Star said:


> Lol!!! I have the same problem as you, only I need to convince HIM!!


Hrmmmm:scratchhead: hahahaha


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I think it's a good idea to have sex that often. Why not? I can't see how it hurts anything.

I'm game.


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

im happy to hear that some people are willing to try this. i didnt make the every 48 hour deal up, im just a firm believer in it. i started it with my wife, and things are seeming to get more exciting. if you are trying to convince your spouse, just tell them you heard it on the radio or something and if she gets mad that you brought it up, lauph it off and pretend it was a joke or something jsut to see him/her would avutally do it...


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

OR 

"There WILL be sex sessions every 48 hours and you are invited. They will occur with or without you however"


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

MAN would i kill for THAT... "being hunted down" 
Poor him hahaha


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

star, you sould talk to him about it.. try changing things up in the bedroom.. different positions, toys, etc... that seems to help people! its not fair if there is only 1 person initiating it everytime, it sould be both partners wanting to go at it!


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

that is good atleast! if i was him i would pop that viagra! its not that easy to find women that want it all the time!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

intimate said:


> that is good atleast! if i was him i would pop that viagra! *its not that easy to find women that want it all the time*!


Well I agree on the second half of that!!!


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

may not work for everyone, but in my relationship a glass of wine at dinner helps the both of us get into the mood.. whenever we drink wine then we both know what is coming next..


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

it makes it way better to me, and makes you last longer!


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I wonder how successful I'd be in initiating the other forms of intimacy in my marriage every 48 hours? Like say having a real conversation for 20 minutes or holding hand while sitting on the couch watching a movie?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

For all those tired of being the initator... a friend of mine told me about this site... Its quite amusing. the pod casts are interesting too.

Here is a document from it that is just for initiating sex hahah its funny. Its titled "Request Of Sexual initiation" 

http://www.greatsexgames.com/podcast/documents/SexualInitiation.pdf

Im going to print this out, complete it, and wait for her to come home from work hahahaha


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

themrs said:


> I wonder how successful I'd be in initiating the other forms of intimacy in my marriage every 48 hours? Like say having a real conversation for 20 minutes or holding hand while sitting on the couch watching a movie?


well i dont know about your situation, but if my wifed doinked me more i would hold her hand and talk to her all day long. but there is only so much of that i can do without the intimacy


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> well i dont know about your situation, but if my wifed doinked me more i would hold her hand and talk to her all day long. but there is only so much of that i can do without the intimacy



So sex = intamacy to you? In my opinion, sex can be intimate but intamacy includes a lot more than just sex. If all we have is sex without the other stuff (sharing feelings, going on dates, non-sexual touching) I will start to feel used.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Oh and BTW, so far so good on the challenge over here. We've doine it the 1st, 2nd, and the 4th so far. Probably have another roll in the hay tonight as well!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Could I come over?.... not going that well here  argh.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

63Vino said:


> Could I come over?.... not going that well here  argh.


Awww. . . I'm sorry. Everyone goes through lulls in the sex in a relationship. My husband and I sure did after the birth of our second child.

She's 2 and a half now and we are getting back on track. I am doing my part more than ever. He told me that I was never that motivated in the sack and I really took it to heart. So I've stepped my game up in a major way. I still have reservations, but I'm much more open to trying new things and he's much happier.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

themrs said:


> So I've stepped my game up in a major way. I still have reservations, but I'm much more open to trying new things and he's much happier.


Thats VERY nice to hear. Kudos to you! Im kinda convinced that men and women have slightly different needs (haha). Im very interested to know if 
1. This brings those having success here closer.
2. The spouse usually less interested in sex become more interested AND
3. The Spouse usually wanting more sex responds in kind with the other things that make the one who has "stepped up their game in a major way" happy

This is obviously a long term project


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

themrs said:


> So sex = intamacy to you? In my opinion, sex can be intimate but intamacy includes a lot more than just sex. If all we have is sex without the other stuff (sharing feelings, going on dates, non-sexual touching) I will start to feel used.



no, sex is part of intimacy. I'm saying that holding hands and cuddling but never having sex isnt complete intimacy, and i lose interest in it.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

63Vino said:


> Thats VERY nice to hear. Kudos to you! Im kinda convinced that men and women have slightly different needs (haha). Im very interested to know if
> 1. This brings those having success here closer.
> 2. The spouse usually less interested in sex become more interested AND
> 3. The Spouse usually wanting more sex responds in kind with the other things that make the one who has "stepped up their game in a major way" happy
> ...


I started making a concerted effort in the sex department about 6 months ago.

We have gotten closer, but having more sex has brought out negative feelings in me as well. Like if I wait up for him and he comes home and goes straight to the tv to play video games, I'm less likely to be in the mood by the time he comes to bed because I feel taken for granted, but he still wants sex. I don't refuse.

I am more interested in sex now. The more I have it, the more I want it. My sex drive has gone way up giving me credence to the claim "if you don't use it, you lose it." 

My husband tries to do the things that make me happy, but he doesn't always hit the mark. Like I said, he was clueless to the fact that I would want him to come straight to bed after he got home considering the fact that I waited up for him. He still doesn't ask me out on dates, but he is way more enthusastic when I ask him out. He calls me all during the day to see how I'm doing and he seems generally concerned when I am upset over something. He also displays genuine interest in seeing me happy and enjoying myself. He went all out for my birthday a few months back. All of that is improvement.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> no, sex is part of intimacy. I'm saying that holding hands and cuddling but never having sex isnt complete intimacy, and i lose interest in it.


If all I had was sex without the other stuff, I'D lose interest in it!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Thanks themrs for the additional information. I hope you keep talking with him and adjusting his aim so he hits the mark. And I hope he realizes your efforts. Im glad to hear that (for you) it has increase your desires because if your doing that just to get him to do something for you, it may not work out.
We're not the smarter sex, but using the right methods we can learn what makes our female counter part happy  just takes us longer 
Thanks again for the additional details.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

themrs said:


> So sex = intamacy to you? In my opinion, sex can be intimate but intamacy includes a lot more than just sex.


Sex is known to flood your brain with hormones that make you feel attachment. (Presumably this serves an evolutionary purpose, so that fathers will stick around and help raise the children who are born, or something like that.) What that means for many men is that the romance is going to be connected to the sex. If the sex is really satisfying for him, he's more likely to find himself feeling romantic, even if he doesn't know why.

Intimacy goes the same way. People tend to be wary of sharing themselves when they don't feel safe from rejection, and men are people. So if the situation with the sex leaves him feeling rejected, he's not going to want to be intimate, or share his feelings, or otherwise open up. Who would open up to someone that rejected them?

Maybe it seems shallow or something, but it really is true that for many couples, her satisfaction with the relationship is going to depend on his satisfaction with the sex.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

themrs said:


> If all I had was sex without the other stuff, I'D lose interest in it!


i agree, but if the sex slows way down while the other stuff continues, one is left unfulfilled while the one who doesnt want sex remains fulfilled. everyones situation is different, i know that sometimes sex doesnt slow down and the other side of the intimacy does, it works boith ways


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> i agree, but if the sex slows way down while the other stuff continues, one is left unfulfilled while the one who doesnt want sex remains fulfilled.


It only seems that way. The other person really isn't fulfilled either, they are just not as uncomfortable being in the rut as is the higher libido person. When my husband and I weren't having sex, I felt so bad about it. Sure I didn't do anything about it but it's not because I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to feel like having sex, I just didn't. I liked him giving me hugs and kisses, but that made me feel pressure to have sex and that turned me off even more. We were at a stalemate and someone had to be the one to make the first move.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

themrs said:


> It only seems that way. The other person really isn't fulfilled either, they are just not as uncomfortable being in the rut as is the higher libido person. When my husband and I weren't having sex, I felt so bad about it. Sure I didn't do anything about it but it's not because I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to feel like having sex, I just didn't. I liked him giving me hugs and kisses, but that made me feel pressure to have sex and that turned me off even more. We were at a stalemate and someone had to be the one to make the first move.


Bravo! This could easily be a death spiral. each one refusing to give to the other until they get what they want, usually not speaking it in a way it can be understood....and then?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

artieb said:


> Sex is known to flood your brain with hormones that make you feel attachment. (Presumably this serves an evolutionary purpose, so that fathers will stick around and help raise the children who are born, or something like that.) What that means for many men is that the romance is going to be connected to the sex. If the sex is really satisfying for him, he's more likely to find himself feeling romantic, even if he doesn't know why.
> 
> Intimacy goes the same way. People tend to be wary of sharing themselves when they don't feel safe from rejection, and men are people. So if the situation with the sex leaves him feeling rejected, he's not going to want to be intimate, or share his feelings, or otherwise open up. Who would open up to someone that rejected them?
> 
> Maybe it seems shallow or something, but it really is true that for many couples, her satisfaction with the relationship is going to depend on his satisfaction with the sex.



That's good in theory. But in my house, sex only begets more sex. Sure my husband may FEEL more romantic, but putting it into practice is another story all together. For what it's worth, I give him the benefit of the doubt because I figure sex comes more naturally to me than romance does for him.

All I'm saying is that when the sex is good and he's feeling more satisfied, he thinks I'm satisfied too. People in general tend to give what they want to receive. We have sex, he thinks that's all I want. Even if I tell him that's not all I want, he thinks it's just fluff. Just icing on the cake and not as real to me feeling connected as sex is for him. Basically, he doesn't get it.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

themrs said:


> _n my house, sex only begets more sex. Sure my husband may FEEL more romantic, but putting it into practice is another story all together.
> 
> All I'm saying is that when the sex is good and he's feeling more satisfied, he thinks I'm satisfied too. People in general tend to give what they want to receive. We have sex, he thinks that's all I want. Even if I tell him that's not all I want, he thinks it's just fluff. Just icing on the cake and not as real to me feeling connected as sex is for him. Basically, he doesn't get it._


_

So tell him that, exactly that: "Our sex cake has been really good these last few months, but I'd like a little more icing on my cake." Then tell him what things he can do which you would appreciate and which help make you feel extra frisky. Yes, those things are icing on the cake. But if you baked a cake, and you only put icing on half of it, and you served him a piece without, what would he say?

I don't read all the posts, so maybe you answered this already, but what sort of things is it that you want him to do?_


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

artieb said:


> So tell him that, exactly that: "Our sex cake has been really good these last few months, but I'd like a little more icing on my cake." Then tell him what things he can do which you would appreciate and which help make you feel extra frisky. Yes, those things are icing on the cake. But if you baked a cake, and you only put icing on half of it, and you served him a piece without, what would he say?
> 
> I don't read all the posts, so maybe you answered this already, but what sort of things is it that you want him to do?


They may be just icing for him, but for me they are major ingrediants in the cake as a whole. I've told him everything that I am about to write here. 

I want him to ask me out on a date, plan the date, set up the babysitter, pay for the date, dress nice, and act happy about it once and a while. This would be nice at least 4 times a year and not on my birthday/valentine's day or something like that. Just because.

It would be nice if he left love notes for me once and a while. 

The biggest thing for me is I want his undivided attention once and a while when we're not having sex. I want him to turn the tv off when I want to talk to him or initiate a conversation with me when he's not preoccupied with other things.

You see, my husband (bless his heart) thinks that being in the same room with me is spending time with me. If I'm watching tv on the same couch he's watching it, we're having an intimate evening in his mind. The only time I really have his attention without distraction is while we are having sex, which leaves me feeling taken for granted at times.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

*"I want him to ask me out on a date, plan the date, set up the babysitter, pay for the date, dress nice, and act happy about it once and a while. This would be nice at least 4 times a year and not on my birthday/valentine's day or something like that. Just because.
It would be nice if he left love notes for me once and a while. "*



OMG those are AWEful things ot ask for !!

hahaha Sorry of course Im kidding.
themrs, As i've said before, I personally aplaud you for taking the initiative.. Its not easy once things slide a bit for you both to take steps simultaneously. I dunno. You never know what exactly is going on in someone's mind. Keep talking to him. I can tell you that when my ex-wife told me exactly what to do, it really became hard to do because it felt fake or just doing what she told me to do. It's SO difficult. Almost like when he outright wants more sex and asks for it. Do you feel automatically like doing it? (im guessing not really).

Have you asked him if he has noticed the difference and if he is happy with your treatment of him? sex etc? Im hoping (as Ive said elsewhere) I hope he sees your effort and wakes up.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

63Vino said:


> *"I want him to ask me out on a date, plan the date, set up the babysitter, pay for the date, dress nice, and act happy about it once and a while. This would be nice at least 4 times a year and not on my birthday/valentine's day or something like that. Just because.
> It would be nice if he left love notes for me once and a while. "*
> 
> 
> ...


I completely understand the feeling fake part. I felt like a complete fraud dressing up in those sexy night gowns prancing around the kitchen when I first stepped out of my comfort zone. But that's the only way. I figured either way I was going to be uncomfortable because I wasn't confortable with my husband's unsatisfaction, so I'd rather be uncomfortable in a way that helps my relationship instead of stifles it. My wanting him to be happy superseded my feeling of phoniness. 

Just the other night I asked him if he was happy with the way I was treating him and he said he was very happy and pleasently surprised. We had a really nice talk about it. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy. Putting more effort into the sexual aspect of my marriage has done nothing but benefit my life. My husband does act more loving towards me now than he did before and I'm grateful for that.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

:') Thanks!
Good stuff. Hope he continually suprises you too.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Star said:


> Thats a very good question, I think a lot of people assume sex means intimacy, I think that there is more to it than that, you need the emotional connection too, not just the physical.


Yup.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Star said:


> Thats a very good question, I think a lot of people assume sex means intimacy, I think that there is more to it than that, you need the emotional connection too, not just the physical.


Absolutely. The problem with it is that it's like cars driving in opposite directions. In one scenario you would be getting closer, in another you'd be getting further apart.

Women generally need the emotional connection to desire sexual intimacy.

Men generally need sexual intimacy to feel the emotional connection.

So if you are having sex, the man is more loving, the woman is feeling more loved and more sexual intimacy occurs keeping the man feeling loved. On the other hand, if there is no sex, the man feels distant, acts distant, not fulfilling the woman's need for emotional connection, causing less sexual intimacy, causing the man to feel and act more distant.

It would be fantastic if it was just a one way street!


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Dryden said:


> Absolutely. The problem with it is that it's like cars driving in opposite directions. In one scenario you would be getting closer, in another you'd be getting further apart.
> 
> Women generally need the emotional connection to desire sexual intimacy.
> 
> ...



Or you could just be having sex and STILL not get the emotional connection outside the bedroom. Sex is easier/more straight forward than other forms of intamacy. A sexually satisfied man can feel loving feelings towards his wife and not show her in the way she needs which in turn leads her to feel taken for granted and resentful even though the sexual aspect of the relationship is good.

Granted, I do believe a couple is more likely to be loving towards one another if the sex in their relationship is not an issue but it doesn't guarantee intamacy in other ways. I attribute this to the fact that many men seem to equate intamacy with sex as demonstrated by this very post. They feel that intimate sex is sufficent and leave it at that forgetting that there wife may want them to show them they love them in other ways besides having sex with them and paying bills.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I think you misunderstood my intention there, and maybe I veered slightly to the left a bit.

Sex totally doesn't equal intimacy. It needs the emotional connection behind it to equal intimacy. What I was referring to in my post was that it can be difficult to even get on the right path to that intimacy. When there is sexual intimacy, it's much easier to cultivate emotional intimacy and vice versa. However, generally women and men get that intimacy through different ways.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Dryden said:


> I think you misunderstood my intention there, and maybe I veered slightly to the left a bit.
> 
> Sex totally doesn't equal intimacy. It needs the emotional connection behind it to equal intimacy. What I was referring to in my post was that it can be difficult to even get on the right path to that intimacy. When there is sexual intimacy, it's much easier to cultivate emotional intimacy and vice versa. However, generally women and men get that intimacy through different ways.


I agree.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

themrs said:


> They may be just icing for him, but for me they are major ingrediants in the cake as a whole.


Don't misunderstand me: I am not saying you're wrong. And I'm not saying he's wrong. But if he thinks of those things as icing, that may be the way to talk to him. And nearly everyone I know thinks a cake isn't complete without the icing on it.




> I want him to ask me out on a date, plan the date, set up the babysitter, pay for the date, dress nice, and act happy about it once and a while. This would be nice at least 4 times a year and not on my birthday/valentine's day or something like that. Just because.


How much of this would be "close enough"? Suppose he made reservations at a restaurant and got tickets to "Spamalot" (assuming you like Monty Python), but wanted you to handle the babysitter. Would that do? Suppose you hate the Pythons; would it be okay if you picked something to do? ("I'd love to see _Wicked_; can you try to get tickets?")

Maybe you could link the things together. About 15 years ago, my wife was looking through the Victoria's Secret catalog, and I sat next to her on the sofa, and she asked "Would you like to see me in this?" My answer was an enthusiastic "yes", and she said "To me, nice, expensive stuff this is the kind of thing you wear under a nice dress to a nice restaurant, or you wear dancing. If I bought this, would you take me out for dinner and dancing, so I wasn't all dressed up with nowhere to go?"

On the one hand, this was sort of tit-for-tat. In a perfect world, I would have sensed that she wanted a little wining and dining and done it without being asked, and she'd be a perfect sex goddess who knows exactly what I want at any moment. But we're not in a perfect world: I was only a little interested in going out, and she was only a little interested in dressing up. So we had to work out a deal in which we both got what we wanted. (To finish my story, we did go out to dinner, but instead of going dancing I signed us up for dance lessons. We made it a weekly date to eat out at a place with cloth napkins before the dance lesson. She wore the sexy undies and a pretty dress each time. And if I'd had any idea how aroused she would get dancing I'd have done the whole thing years earlier. We had two weeks of tango, and on those days she was practically ripping off my clothes by the time we got home.)

Neither one of us felt pressured or manipulated: she wanted something, I wanted something, we said so directly and we worked out a deal. We weren't tricking each other. Maybe it was less than perfectly romantic on my side, and less than perfectly sex goddess on her side, but we both got what we wanted and there weren't any bad feelings on either side.




> The biggest thing for me is I want his undivided attention once and a while when we're not having sex. I want him to turn the tv off when I want to talk to him or initiate a conversation with me when he's not preoccupied with other things.
> 
> You see, my husband (bless his heart) thinks that being in the same room with me is spending time with me. If I'm watching tv on the same couch he's watching it, we're having an intimate evening in his mind.


This might improve depending on what you're watching. I like shows you have to think about, but I don't like just mindlessly having the TV on. So we'll watch a specific thing, and then turn the TV off and talk about the thing we just saw. You might be able to shift things the way you want if you get something worth thinking about on DVD, watch the DVD, and then start talking about while you turn the TV off, shifting the activity from "watch movie" to "talk about movie". Don't just let the TV run and be a distraction after the program ends.

Alternatively, you might aim for non-TV activities which are more open to interaction. Dig the crossword puzzle out of the paper and ask him to sit with you on the sofa and help you do it, and leave the TV *off*. Some of the clues will reference books or movies or things, and maybe you can talk about them. OR, you could get a book and tell him you want him to read it to you. Pick a favorite book, or a new book that you've wanted to get to, or a book on something you are concerned about. Get a book on child rearing, maybe. He reads a chapter to you, you read one to him, each person can interrupt as often as they like to try and clarify the material,
("Do you think what they're talking about might be why Jason threw his pudding at the cat?")

Try to get to him before he turns the TV on, saying "Can we not watch TV right now?" You should know what shows he likes, and what he really wants to see, so don't try this 15 minutes before the Super Bowl. Shoot for a time when it's otherwise going to be aimless TV watching. FWIW, I find unstructured "tell me how you're feeling" questions hard to answer. It always goes better when my wife tells me about what she's feeling first, or if there's a particular subject (such as a book or a movie) and she's asking me what I think about it.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Thanks art. That's good advise. 

I feel like I've tried everything at this point, but I won't stop doing different things to get my husband to notice me outside the bedroom. *sigh*

He will rub my feet while we're watching tv and he always gives me compliments about my cooking and how I look. He's gotten a lot better and I feel optimistic about the future.


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## lonely101 (Jun 16, 2010)

I think sex every 2-3 days is a fabulous idea. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't. He doesn't have a lot of interest in sex. There is no intimacy in our relationship and I've had a hard time getting him to understand that. 

We've been through every crisis known to man in the past 3 years, and I'm beginning to wonder if this is just how it's gonna be. I lost my dad, he lost his Grandmother, He lost his job, I lost my job, family fueds, I graduated college and make more money, so that eats away at his pride, he's had major depression, medications, and there's more, but not worth dredging up the past. 

My point is this. He's content to live as roommates. We do kiss and hold hands, but I fear it's more out of habit. We say I love you often, but there's seldom any deep emotion behind it. 

Three years ago, he lost his job. He fell into a deep depression. We moved, which was a BAD thing, then we moved back to his hometown because he couldn't handle it. 

A year ago, he told me "it's not you, it's me,,,, I'm just not interested." After 2 years of almost no sex, I decided that he didn't want me anymore. I had an affair. 

After so much had happened, I needed someone to hold ME and say it was all gonna be okay. I'm exhausted from taking care of everyone else. I've tried to make sure everyone gets little things; a hug when they need it, extra desert on a bad day, a back rub when the days been too long. This other man catered to me the way my husband used to. I'd rather my husband be the one. But he isn't interested in sex or real intimacy. I'm a very tactile person. I'm all about sex and hugs and kisses and any other form of affection. I do look for it in other ways too, but this definitely works for me. Leave it to me to find the one man on Earth that doesn't like sex. 

Lately, the reconnecting isn't even working. We talk and all we do is argue. He's so defensive and distant. I miss my husband. I had an affair, but he stayed with me. I'm 99% sure he's not having an affair, but if that's the case, why aren't we getting closer? I am so frustrated and lonely and tired and I want my husband back; the one I married 14 years ago. His excuse is that "people change". Not this much. HELP!!


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