# When Your Husband Falls Out Of Love For You



## ladyintegrity (Dec 28, 2009)

Where do I start? I'm balling my eyes out just typing this and asking God to please take the pain away. I've been truely in love to a man for 22 years. He has had 5 affairs. I feel like I've failed our marriage. I feel like if I was white woman that our marriage probably would have survived. I feel my self esteem going down the drain. I've always been a faithful loving wife. Through the years we have grown to be compatible with each other. We try to go to church every Sunday.

I was trying to hopefully rebuild our marriage. I have not been able to sleep for 2 nights. As you can read from my husband's ad below that he wants a separation from me. How did I find the ad? I just had a gut feeling and looked in the singles ad last Wednesday. I confronted him that same day. He said that he fell out of love and could not get his love back. That our 22 year marriage was a good memory and that marriages don’t always last. He said that I am an outstanding woman that any man would be proud to have as a wife. That this separation is completely his fault, not mine. I’ve asked him to at least respect me and to wait to put the ads out until the divorce is final. He said he did not want to be lonely. He said that time is precious and that he had to see if there was a woman out there compatible for him. We got into a huge fight. I have been mentally exhausted trying to recover from this evil wrong doing. All I can do is pray to God to give me the strength to carry on. I'm having a love/hate emotion battling inside of me. He said he is not having an emotional affair. He is just looking for a friend. I said dating someone will only make the waters murky. He says he does not know what what the future will bring. He says he has to go through this journey in order to find out that if he can get his love back for me. We both have individual therapists. But his therapist told him not to date. But he said that he had to and to let me continue on this odd journey. He said that he put this kind of ad out so women can respond to it. I am so numb and confused.

HIS AD TO LOOK FOR A FRIEND:
Time to Live the Final Chapter

Okay, here goes the first step back into the dating world. Let’s start at the present and work backwards a bit. Currently retired, separated and looking to meet new friends. The six week outpatient therapy program worked wonders and I’m ready to move on. Of course the therapy will continue for awhile to ensure things stay on track. It’s been a blessing in disguise. I am in control of my life now and it will go forward. I’m not looking for a rebound, rather a real person who wants to take things one day at a time and get to know each other. There is no hurry to move beyond that. For the next year, I will be rebuilding my life and would enjoy having someone to enjoy it with. I have the house (4/3) and dogs. I’m a non-smoker of cigarettes and a light drinker. I get several checks each month for disability and live quite well. It would be nice to meet a nice Caucasian woman, 5’5” and above, 120-140 and not high maintenance for a new and exciting friendship. It’s about going out camping, quading, live music, pickup trucks, football, some NASCAR, a cold beer on a hot day, a starbucks on a chilly morning, BBQ, Jacuzzi fun under a starlight evening with a nice fire and more…… 

There you go, now you should contact me so we can at least have the chance to know each other. If you enjoy a man opening the door for you, letting you enter a room first, roses when least expected and basically being treated like a lady, that’s what I am about. If you have the curiosity to contact me, you will be pleasantly surprised. If not, I wish you all good luck in finding the right one. 

Take care,

MY QUESTIONS:
1) I know in marriages, husband or wife fall out of love. What do you do then?
2) I feel the temptation to get even because I feel so lonely. I know God feels the void. But the temptation for acceptance by another man is so strong. I need your prayers.
3) For the single ladies, if you did not know my husband, would you answer his ad? If so, why? If not, why?
4) He wants to know if he is gone from me, if his love comes back? How can it if he is in the compan of another woman. He said it is just friendship. But we all know meeting someone new is like an addiction you can't refuse. I'm so confused.

Thank you.

Wife In Tears


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

ladyintegrity said:


> Where do I start? I'm balling my eyes out just typing this and asking God to please take the pain away. I've been truely in love to a man for 22 years. He has had 5 affairs. I feel like I've failed our marriage. I feel like if I was white woman that our marriage probably would have survived. I feel my self esteem going down the drain. I've always been a faithful loving wife. Through the years we have grown to be compatible with each other. We try to go to church every Sunday.
> 
> I was trying to hopefully rebuild our marriage. I have not been able to sleep for 2 nights. As you can read from my husband's ad below that he wants a separation from me. How did I find the ad? I just had a gut feeling and looked in the singles ad last Wednesday. I confronted him that same day. He said that he fell out of love and could not get his love back. That our 22 year marriage was a good memory and that marriages don’t always last. He said that I am an outstanding woman that any man would be proud to have as a wife. That this separation is completely his fault, not mine. I’ve asked him to at least respect me and to wait to put the ads out until the divorce is final. He said he did not want to be lonely. He said that time is precious and that he had to see if there was a woman out there compatible for him. We got into a huge fight. I have been mentally exhausted trying to recover from this evil wrong doing. All I can do is pray to God to give me the strength to carry on. I'm having a love/hate emotion battling inside of me. He said he is not having an emotional affair. He is just looking for a friend. I said dating someone will only make the waters murky. He says he does not know what what the future will bring. He says he has to go through this journey in order to find out that if he can get his love back for me. We both have individual therapists. But his therapist told him not to date. But he said that he had to and to let me continue on this odd journey. He said that he put this kind of ad out so women can respond to it. I am so numb and confused.
> 
> ...


I thank you for your post that you made on my thread. I guess the whole point of these type of places is to let you know that you're not the only one out there and that there are other people willing to at least provide support

22 years of marriage and out the door. It really is a sad situation. How old were you 2 when you married? I have to be honest with you, myself, I was never tempted to taste the flavors on the other side, but I would be lying if I didn't wonder what would that other woman would be like? I've always felt like that was just part of human nature. 

About the only question that I can attempt to answer is# 4. This is only my own opinion.

Love is unconditional, well at least it supposed to be. I would have a very difficult time in giving my trust again. As of now, my own wife has lost that unconditional trust that I once gave her. If you could get past that lost of trust, as long as you realize it's a brand new relationship, it would be difficult to take that person back but possible. I hope I am making sense


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## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

What a completely bizarre ad. It makes him sound like a recovering drug addict. 

I'm sorry you are in pain and wish your self esteem wasn't being impacted by his actions. His decision to cheat has nothing to do with you. He is a cheater. He has proven it over and over again. After you are divorced, he will cheat on whatever new woman comes into his life. If he remarries, he will cheat on her.

He's a cake-eater - wants to get out and date and have you there as a back-up. Is that what you want to be? You know that he will cheat and cheat and cheat again. Is this the life you want for yourself?

I'm so sorry. Take care of you...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

hey there,
I am so sorry for you. I consider what your husband is doing to be very cruel. I am sorry I don't know your life story but I think there is a better version of your life in the future without this man in it. Sorry to be so blunt - I am sure that what I am writing isn't making you feel better at all. You deserve much better than this. 
K


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Dear God woman, he has had five affairs and you feel as though you've failed him? What? I am a hard man, but I cannot fathom the malfunction that must have occurred within your husband's head to allow him to think that posting a singles add while married was a good idea. 

I'm not sure how to even qualify it. I'm torn between lost and pathetic. I am a little interested into your statement that if you "were only a white woman your marriage would have survived." That's truly sad, because a thought like that could only have originated from your husband. 

I don't know if this can be fixed, or even if it should if it could. My wife likely had an affair with a neighbor. His wife told me about it one rainy day when she came to my clinic, and it was enough for me to want out of my marriage. She has never admitted to it, or really even commented much on it. 

One time is difficult, but five is nearly insurmountable. One poster once commented that hell must have a special place for serial cheaters. I imagine that this might just be true.

In closing lady integrity, your husbands behavior says a lot about him that is bad, but nothing at all about you. You are not responsible for his sins, nor should you be burdened by them. Some people are just dogs. That he could depart from you after 22 years with such little grace is a testament to it. LIL


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## ladyintegrity (Dec 28, 2009)

Millmant, Marilee, Knortoh, Lastinline: Thank you for your inputs. I pray that God will carry you throughout your struggles too.

Just a little bit of background:
I was 25 and he was 29 when we got married. I am of Asian decent born here in America. My husband is caucasian. 

He grew up in a very dysfunctional family. 
Alcoholic father
Father physically abused/raped his mom
Father had mistresses, my spouse had to bring his drunk father home from the mistresses home
Brothers/friends bullied him, they shoved him in a box and closed it with holes for several hours. They tried to semi drown him in pools and rivers.
Never really got therapy for all the abuse

My husband was a really faithful and devoted man 18 years of our 22 years of marriage. He is a very active person. Sometime during the 19th year, he got hurt and could not work anymore. He got depressed. Plus he was on medication for back pain and depression. He turned into a different person.

He is getting individual therapy now. But only time will tell if it will work. He refused to go to couple's counseling.

I am not a perfect wife. I'm not a "domestic engineer" so to speak. I'm very career oriented and sometimes my household duties have to be put in the background. But I am a best friend, companion, and outstanding lover to him.

I have a strong Christian faith. But my faith is being tested. I feel like I need to maybe just date men to relieve some of the male companionship (not sex, strictly platonic) I crave. I know it sounds selfish.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

and stay married?


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

Just my thoughts:
In the end, seeking out a friendship is not really a bad thing, but in the end, your H could use this as "The Excuse".


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm sorry you are going through this...I would reconsider friendship with a male at this time. It will probably turn into more.

If he is unwilling to work on your marriage, suggest a separation. Then, I would not contact him at all. Let him come to his own conclusions. He's been "playing" already but no one serious. Let him get to know another gal for awhile and compare.

The grass is never greener unless you are with an abusive, addictive, affair ridden, person. If you don't fit the bill then he may have trouble replacing you.

Allowing him to have affairs, run "want" ads, and stay in your home is disrespectful to you. He can do THAT in another house!


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## snowglobe (Dec 26, 2009)

Hi,
My heart goes out to you for all your sadness. I know you love this man because you have been with him for so long. And you are right to admit you are not perfect either, none of us are. But you certainly don't deserve this treatment. You have forgiven five affairs and now you find an ad where he is looking for another companion. First of all that is just plain strange to me, simply because it tells me he is only willing to stick around until he finds his next conquest. You sweet lady are a saint! You need to move on... you are still a young woman and have your career,there are probably men who would love to date you but they know you are married to a schmuck. I have never been divorced but I know it is hard on a lot of people, however that shouldn't keep you from living a new happier life with someone that will love and respect you. Your husband may very well have abuse issues from his past, but that doesn't mean you take it out on the one person who loves you the most. You need to go seek counseling for yourself, pack his bag for him and set it in his lap with a copy of his ad.... tell him that he needs to move out and you support his choice for a new lifestyle but he will have to do it elsewhere. Then you can begin to heal and move on, and find that special someone that is out there waiting for you. It sounds like it is time for you to be free and happy for yourself and not live your life for someone else. I wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you can be strong enough to make yourself happy for once. God bless you and take care!


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## ladyintegrity (Dec 28, 2009)

Knortoh, Millmant, Corpuswife, Snowglobe: Thank you so much for your inputs. 

Today New Years Day - Is our separation day. Due to finances, we still have to live in the same house together. Neither of us can move out. I moved downstairs. I let him use the master bedroom because he is disabled. He has a fecet syndrome and has a bad back. Yes, even after all what is going on I am still compassionate towards him and giving him unconditional love. Call me crazy but that is the type of wife I am.

I am getting frequent counseling. Waiting for him to decide if I have enough pull to have him come back to me or if he divorces me I know is insane.

I just numb right now and I feel lonely and under appreciated. That is why I'm thinking of seriously putting an ad out for just a platonic relationship. If they ask, I will be honest with them and not hide anything.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Are there really no other living options?


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## autumn (Dec 29, 2009)

hi...this is my first time posting...i have just been reading everyone else's thread to help me through my struggle. your post got me in tears and i would like to say that i am so sorry that you are going through this. you are a very strong woman to stay with your husband and try to work through past affairs. i am in a situation where my husband has cheated in the past (possibly twice). last year he wanted a divorce, said that he wanted to be out and about doing his own thing. i was devastated and i continued to fight for our marriage. we ended up separating and reconciled 4 months later. it was good for a while, but it seems that he hasn't changed his behavior that much nor did he keep his promises of seeing a counselor with me.

now i am on here because the past couple of months i started to feel like i deserve better. like you i am a good wife---i don't believe that getting back at him will make me feel better and i am very compassionate, kind and patient towards my husband. but lately, i feel like i need to look out for myself. i love my husband so much and i am so afraid that i will not find anyone else that sometimes i feel like staying with him is my only option. i am currently trying to find the courage to leave and i hope that you do the same.

your story reminds me of what my mother-in-law went through with my father-in-law...i am very much afraid that my husband is following his father's footsteps---that's why your story hits me hard.

marriage is supposed to be a commitment between two people...for myself, i need to remember that i cannot make a marriage work on my own. i know how it feels to be in limbo and i know how it feels to wait to see if he'll come around. i feel for you and i hope that you try to focus your energy on yourself and not on him. that is my struggle right now. i think we become too involved in taking care of the other person and try to be the best wife that we can be to them that we forget about ourself. i wish you the best and i hope that you stop hurting soon


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

knortoh said:


> Are there really no other living options?


 I am only guessing a general vicinity, heck this could be true in any western state, the cost of property actually makes this a common theme in the San Fran Bay Area and surrounding areas. It's not too unusual to see a failed marriage couples living together because they can't sell there property or can not afford rent. 

Thank god I have my house I grew up(mom's house) in as my fail safe.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Lady... I am so very sorry to hear about your husband's cruelty in where your feelings are concerned. His being insensitive is really going to come back and punch in the face. It is incredible in how he is able to justify all of this in his mind and then present it to you like he has.

The placing of the ad was the clincher. He's looking for trouble, and in the way he is going about it, he will truly find it. After reading your post, a Tyler Perry movie came to mind. It was the movie "Why Did I Get Married?" If you haven't seen it, then I recommend that you check it out. You're going to cry a bit, but the future for you is a strong and bright one.


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## ladyintegrity (Dec 28, 2009)

Knorthh, Millman, Autumn, Dreaded Soulja: Bless you guys for your inputs.

You know when you've been married for 22 years, your finances come intwined like a skin on a grape. It will be difficult if he files the big 'D'. 

We are all accountable for our actions. But I think how we are raised accounts for a lot of it. My therapist said H grew up in a dysfunctional family. Never received the loved that he should of. Never received the proper tools to utilize throughout his life, hence all that anger that was built up inside of him, he took it out on me. He never laid a finger on me but words can hurt maybe more so.

I am a Tyler Perry fan of his movies. I'll try to look for it.

God Bless!


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

ladyintegrity said:


> Knorthh, Millman, Autumn, Dreaded Soulja: Bless you guys for your inputs.
> 
> You know when you've been married for 22 years, your finances come intwined like a skin on a grape. It will be difficult if he files the big 'D'.
> 
> ...


Well the bright side, he gets 50% of the bills if things don't work out. Just trying to put a positive spin on this.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

lastinline said:


> Dear God woman, he has had five affairs and you feel as though you've failed him? What? I am a hard man, but I cannot fathom the malfunction that must have occurred within your husband's head to allow him to think that posting a singles add while married was a good idea.
> 
> I'm not sure how to even qualify it. I'm torn between lost and pathetic. I am a little interested into your statement that if you "were only a white woman your marriage would have survived." That's truly sad, because a thought like that could only have originated from your husband.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Cannot add much to this other than I can understand that when the one person you expect to love you does not show you love can cause you to feel it's 'you'...It is not you...he is looking for something he will likely not find...question is do you really want to be there as his plan 'b'? You are worth much more than that...seriously.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is clearly a lot wrong with this man. I would not answer his ad--"requesting" a white woman who is obviously pretty thin screams, "shallow, shallow, shallow" at me. And yes, he sounds like a recovering addict, which will probably turn off a lot of people.

You deserve so much more.

I urge you to take time to learn to love yourself. Much about your post tells me you do not think well of yourself--staying with him through all these affairs, thinking that being white would have made a difference, etc. Work hard at counseling to feel good about yourself and your life WITHOUT A MAN IN IT. Yes, you can be very happy that way. And then if/when you find a guy, it's just a bonus, not something to validate your existence.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> I urge you to take time to learn to love yourself. Much about your post tells me you do not think well of yourself--staying with him through all these affairs, thinking that being white would have made a difference, etc. Work hard at counseling to feel good about yourself and your life WITHOUT A MAN IN IT. Yes, you can be very happy that way. And then if/when you find a guy, it's just a bonus, not something to validate your existence.


Seriously... I couldn't agree more.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:
Well put.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Also, my view on this ad if I were single and reading it would be a definite NO on answering it:


ladyintegrity said:


> Currently retired, separated and looking to meet new friends.


I personally would have stopped at 'separated' as I once dated a man who was 'separated' but I think his WIFE was the last to know about the separation.


ladyintegrity said:


> The six week outpatient therapy program worked wonders and I’m ready to move on. Of course the therapy will continue for awhile to ensure things stay on track. It’s been a blessing in disguise. I am in control of my life now and it will go forward.


This sounds cryptic to me...some sort of rehab? Sounds like issues.


ladyintegrity said:


> I’m a non-smoker of cigarettes and a light drinker.


Usually, people simply say non-smoker...adding 'of cigarettes' leads me to believe he smokes other things?!


ladyintegrity said:


> I get several checks each month for disability and live quite well. It would be nice to meet a nice Caucasian woman, 5’5” and above, 120-140 and not high maintenance for a new and exciting friendship. It’s about going out camping, quading, live music, pickup trucks, football, some NASCAR, a cold beer on a hot day, a starbucks on a chilly morning, BBQ, Jacuzzi fun under a starlight evening with a nice fire and more……


Sounds pretty active for being disabled. Again, just strange.


ladyintegrity said:


> If you enjoy a man opening the door for you, letting you enter a room first, roses when least expected and basically being treated like a lady, that’s what I am about.


If having multiple affairs and leaving your wife in tears when she reads this is treating you like a lady, he has a lot to learn about relationships.


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