# Why is my sis-in-law demanding physical touch from my husband?



## hellgirl (11 mo ago)

So my husband and his sister were physically close. I have seen them rub their feet against each other, and even laying down beside each other. Whole day they would text each other. I had a problem with that. Told my husband. After me begging a lot to him saying I am really uncomfortable, he maintained physical distance with her. Last year my husband's parents and his sister called him separately to ask him why he is not touching her. His sister is 28 years old, has no job, never had any boyfriend, does not go out of the house and has a gap year while doing graduation. The fact that a 28 year old woman can ask such a thing to her married brother blows my mind. And the fact that parents are supporting them. I have kept asking them when will they get her married, they have said after she gets job. They have been saying this since 2017. Still no job, no marriage. In the name of job hunting, she gives just one exam per year. I thought if you wanted a job you sit for more job exams. And they are not even trying to get her married. Am i in an unusual situation? Will she ever get married? Why are her parents not willing to get her married. Feeling uncomfortable is a feeling. I can't suppress it. But i am being blamed by his parents for destroying brother sister relationship. Which I don't know how. They still talk to each other every day. I don't know which brother sister relationship gets destroyed if there is no physical touch.
I am from India. I am 31 and husband is 36.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

help her find a boyfriend. 
what she is doing is borderline weird.


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## hellgirl (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> help her find a boyfriend.
> what she is doing is borderline weird.


Her friends have tried to set her up, she has refused to be with anyone. She is refusing to get married too.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

is she a lesbian? a lesbian would not be interested in you finding her a man to date, or marry. but she might be embarassed enough to not point out she has a different sexual orientation.

but yeah, unless you hasve a bisexual kink, having her husband and your sister in law being physical together is a going to be a big turn off.

i guess it is time to seriously talk with hubby, and ask how far the two of them have gone in the past.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Possibilites:

All, WAG's

She is on the spectrum.
She is asexual.
She is a lesbian.

She is flawed.
This is obvious.

What is the cure?

Touch therapy?

The parents likely have been told by some _professional?_ that she needs physical touch to bring her to a normal state.
Maybe this is just soothing therapy.

Naturally, they do not trust just any man to caress her back to some form of normal womanhood.

@hellgirl what is your husbands family of origin, FOO?

Their ethnicity and religion?

The parents know, your husband knows what is wrong with the daughter/sister.
They are protecting her and hiding her condition.

I hope it is not more than this.
It seems unlikely, but not impossible to be, what, (incestuous)?



_King Brian-_


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## MikaGold (11 mo ago)

I'm sorry, I mysleft felt awkward even reading this. 
If she wanted or didn't mind to get married she already would. She clearly doesn't want to get married. 
I don't know how much money you have but maybe invest in therapy for yo u and your husband. You'll talk about this situation and how it negativity affects you on daily basis - OBVIOUSLY! Good lick finding a way to resolving this situation. 

You are not in any way wrong.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

hellgirl said:


> So my husband and his sister were physically close. I have seen them rub their feet against each other, and even laying down beside each other. Whole day they would text each other. I had a problem with that. Told my husband. After me begging a lot to him saying I am really uncomfortable, he maintained physical distance with her. Last year my husband's parents and his sister called him separately to ask him why he is not touching her. His sister is 28 years old, has no job, never had any boyfriend, does not go out of the house and has a gap year while doing graduation. The fact that a 28 year old woman can ask such a thing to her married brother blows my mind. And the fact that parents are supporting them. I have kept asking them when will they get her married, they have said after she gets job. They have been saying this since 2017. Still no job, no marriage. In the name of job hunting, she gives just one exam per year. I thought if you wanted a job you sit for more job exams. And they are not even trying to get her married. Am i in an unusual situation? Will she ever get married? Why are her parents not willing to get her married. Feeling uncomfortable is a feeling. I can't suppress it. But i am being blamed by his parents for destroying brother sister relationship. Which I don't know how. They still talk to each other every day. I don't know which brother sister relationship gets destroyed if there is no physical touch.
> I am from India. I am 31 and husband is 36.


It sounds like the parents are who promoted this to begin with and are kind of sick. Listen I don't blame you at all for holding a firm line on this because it's not right. But more than that it makes me afraid for your children. You will have to be the one to make sure they understand boundaries. He might become inappropriate with them or he might encourage them to touch each other or something. 

It is just not at all anything you should give into. It just sounds incestual.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Possibilites:
> 
> All, WAG's
> 
> ...


that IS the big elephant in the room we have been ignoring.

but the fact that she hates dating men kind of says that is not the case.
i am leaning more toward closetted lesbian.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Beyond the fact that you and your husband solved the inappropriate touching situation, what happens in her life at this point is beyond anything you need to be concerned with. Let it go in one ear and out the other if they try to change things back. What else she does with her life is her business.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Are their parents brother and sister?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

That this lady is this way is on her (and her parents to some degree I'd guess and yeah, OP's husband has the same parent's).

She's going to be the way she is.

Your husband isn't dealing with this properly.

He needs to set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries regarding her.

If he had, this would be a non-issue by now.

To me, the problem isn't your sister-in-law, it's that your husband isn't setting, maintaining and enforcing proper boundaries regarding his sister.

There will be issues regarding this... until he chooses to deal with this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> is she a lesbian? a lesbian would not be interested in you finding her a man to date, or marry. but she might be embarassed enough to not point out she has a different sexual orientation.
> 
> but yeah, unless you hasve a bisexual kink, having her husband and your sister in law being physical together is a going to be a big turn off.
> 
> i guess it is time to seriously talk with hubby, and ask how far the two of them have gone in the past.


Even if she did have a bisexual kink....they are brother and sister!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Even if she did have a bisexual kink....they are brother and sister!


i was referring to the comment that she does not date any men.
Maybe that is the reason, and the OP should not bother hooking her up with any men....she is batting for the other team.

the brother/sister thing....not sure what to make of that, but it is a distant possibility....


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

hellgirl said:


> So my husband and his sister were physically close. I have seen them rub their feet against each other, and even laying down beside each other. Whole day they would text each other. I had a problem with that. Told my husband. After me begging a lot to him saying I am really uncomfortable, he maintained physical distance with her. Last year my husband's parents and his sister called him separately to ask him why he is not touching her. His sister is 28 years old, has no job, never had any boyfriend, does not go out of the house and has a gap year while doing graduation. The fact that a 28 year old woman can ask such a thing to her married brother blows my mind. And the fact that parents are supporting them. I have kept asking them when will they get her married, they have said after she gets job. They have been saying this since 2017. Still no job, no marriage. In the name of job hunting, she gives just one exam per year. I thought if you wanted a job you sit for more job exams. And they are not even trying to get her married. Am i in an unusual situation? Will she ever get married? Why are her parents not willing to get her married. Feeling uncomfortable is a feeling. I can't suppress it. But i am being blamed by his parents for destroying brother sister relationship. Which I don't know how. They still talk to each other every day. I don't know which brother sister relationship gets destroyed if there is no physical touch.
> I am from India. I am 31 and husband is 36.


One of the issues I see here is that you are, as are many responders, automatically conflating physical closeness with sexual closeness. In reality, they're are two separate things. In some cultures, they do tend to get equated. We see this especially in Western cultures, especially between males or relatives. But in other cultures, such as Japan, physical closeness is not looked at as sexual in nature. Males will commonly snuggle up with other males and even sleep in the same bed and there is nothing sexual happening between them. And while we can look at how an culture overall tends to view things, there will always be exceptions, or those influenced by other cultures. This does not make their actions right or wrong. Those actions may be wrong for you, but that doesn't make them wrong for everyone. I am well aware that India does have a majority of people who do make the conflation or physical and sexual closeness. It seems that this family does not. Short of finding out that it is due to actual sexual activity, there really isn't much that you can do about it, and you are indeed damaging the family dynamic that has been there since before you came into the picture.

I am also well aware that many parts of India still do arranged marriages. Personally I find this to be revolting, and all of my principles of freedom. But I would never seek to dictate that another not allowed that if that is part of their culture. But in such a culture it is still not your business that the parents get her married off. That is you stepping over your bounds, unless there is some cultural aspect that I've not been exposed to that allows a DIL to have a say in the marrying of her SIL. Heck, she might not even have a BF or GF because she is asexual. It doesn't matter. All that matters is you and your husband. If their way of life of having a physical closeness is that disturbing to you, you have two choices. You took the one of asking him to stop. But he also has the choice of no doing so, and he would not be in the wrong, again save if there was an actual sexual aspect to it. Then you have to chose in whether or not it is something that you need to leave over.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

hellgirl said:


> So my husband and his sister were physically close. I have seen them rub their feet against each other, and even laying down beside each other. Whole day they would text each other. I had a problem with that. Told my husband. After me begging a lot to him saying I am really uncomfortable, he maintained physical distance with her. Last year my husband's parents and his sister called him separately to ask him why he is not touching her. His sister is 28 years old, has no job, never had any boyfriend, does not go out of the house and has a gap year while doing graduation. The fact that a 28 year old woman can ask such a thing to her married brother blows my mind. And the fact that parents are supporting them. I have kept asking them when will they get her married, they have said after she gets job. They have been saying this since 2017. Still no job, no marriage. In the name of job hunting, she gives just one exam per year. I thought if you wanted a job you sit for more job exams. And they are not even trying to get her married. Am i in an unusual situation? Will she ever get married? Why are her parents not willing to get her married. Feeling uncomfortable is a feeling. I can't suppress it. But i am being blamed by his parents for destroying brother sister relationship. Which I don't know how. They still talk to each other every day. I don't know which brother sister relationship gets destroyed if there is no physical touch.
> I am from India. I am 31 and husband is 36.


Hmm, well I mean, there is a lot to go through. So that we get to where we want to go. Being from India myself, I don't find it surprising, some people have had circumstances where in Brothers and Sisters have had to live in close proximity. They may share a close bond, as I do with my sister(who is elder to me by about the same age), but being insecure about it won't lead you anywhere. That touching part is obviously something that needs to be handled, and while your husband may look at her as a kid, she is basking in that physical affection. Now i don't know how she's oriented in this, but you can still talk to your husband about why this is wrong. The parents are wrong to enable by asking him why he is stopping etc, thats just weird. So you do have to explain to him how he is enabling her by indulging her. I understand you can't talk to her about this, and it will just come as a statement from an 'interfering' wife or something. But if your husband can see it, maybe he can modify his behavior. As for the rest of it, I've seen parents adopt a soft attitude towards women in India. Thats not helping her, if you can explain these things to your husband, perhaps he can take some steps to make this apparent to his own parents. As for what the parents feel, let them say whatever they want, do the right thing. The rest is just noise.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hellgirl said:


> So my husband and his sister were physically close. I have seen them rub their feet against each other, and even laying down beside each other. Whole day they would text each other. I had a problem with that. Told my husband. After me begging a lot to him saying I am really uncomfortable, he maintained physical distance with her. Last year my husband's parents and his sister called him separately to ask him why he is not touching her. His sister is 28 years old, has no job, never had any boyfriend, does not go out of the house and has a gap year while doing graduation. The fact that a 28 year old woman can ask such a thing to her married brother blows my mind. And the fact that parents are supporting them. I have kept asking them when will they get her married, they have said after she gets job. They have been saying this since 2017. Still no job, no marriage. In the name of job hunting, she gives just one exam per year. I thought if you wanted a job you sit for more job exams. And they are not even trying to get her married. Am i in an unusual situation? Will she ever get married? Why are her parents not willing to get her married. Feeling uncomfortable is a feeling. I can't suppress it. But i am being blamed by his parents for destroying brother sister relationship. Which I don't know how. They still talk to each other every day. I don't know which brother sister relationship gets destroyed if there is no physical touch.
> I am from India. I am 31 and husband is 36.


Was she sexually abused or assaulted as a young girl? That might be the reason she doesn't want to date?

Depending on the culture they may not want to (or can't afford) the expense of a dowry, or want to keep her with them as a companion and not wish to lose her to a husband?

Something is wrong here.

Is there a religious element here?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I believe she is in love with her brother. She needs professional help.

Did your husband ever do anything sexual with her?


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