# what does it mean when she says...



## Janner (Dec 16, 2009)

Hello, I hope everyone here is doing OK. I have posted before you guys have been great about offering insight, and I could use some now.

(some of you have been following my story - see my other posts)

I asked her tonight on the phone "Do you still feel anything for me?"
Her reply was "I want to"... what does that mean?

Thanks,
Janner


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Janner said:


> Hello, I hope everyone here is doing OK. I have posted before you guys have been great about offering insight, and I could use some now.
> 
> (some of you have been following my story - see my other posts)
> 
> ...


This is saying the woman is seeing positive traits in you that she is agreeable to, but there is nothing of a "spark" or "passion". 

This is merely saying there is not the sexual attraction that she is needing.

To understand the mystery of a woman, it is good to get a handle on this aspect of the feminine psyche.

A woman is powerfully driven by her sexual attraction and drive, that is why many times a woman is throwing herself to the man that is not always "good for her", or how she is not, no matter how much she may want to, is not going to be able to give herself fully to a man she is not sexually attracted to.

This is exactly why so many times I share the same advice to the good men on this board, to understand and maintain the structure of sexual attraction is most important for a man and woman to be happy in a marriage that is passion and sexual.

And why is always sexual attraction so important in marriage, even a marriage for many years? Because without sexual attraction neither the man or woman is compelled to give to each other everything at the emotional and intimate deepest parts. 

And this is because sexual attraction and emotional intimacy are intertwined at the deepest core. When these both thrive, both are in abundance. When these suffer, these both wither and die!

I do not know your story, but I will share this again here: A woman is irrestibly attracted to a dominant man, the man that is in control of himself and his environment. This is the man that will light a fire inside a woman and she will follow to the ends of the earth! 

A woman will quite the opposite resent a "weak man", that is the opposite of a dominant man, this is the man such as not in control of his temper, his emotions, his addictions, his career, his health or physique. Also this is including the "nice guy", the "doting boyfriend", and the man who is seeming to jump through hoops to please a woman. All these are opposite of what a woman will find sexually attractive. 

Again a woman is not just bland to this "weak man", but will actually resent and eventually despise this man, because instead of making her feel sexually desired instead makes her feel insecure and lower self-esteem.

Read this many times as it takes to understand this truth! 

Sexual attraction is lack of insecurity in a woman, insecurity is lack of sexual attraction. In a woman, there is one or the other, where the one is replaced by the other.

Until the good man understands this, he is confused and miserable trying to understand a woman. When the good man understands this, marriage is bliss!

This is the structure of sexual attraction, and without this structure to be maintained no matter how hard the woman may "want" to, she cannot negotiate or wish herself to find a man sexually attractive that is not the dominant man, the good man in control.

I wish you well.


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## Janner (Dec 16, 2009)

BBWolf,

What is the difference between, or relation between, a man who is in control and seems dominant and one who is overbearing and controlling?

Janner


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Janner said:


> BBWolf,
> 
> What is the difference between, or relation between, a man who is in control and seems dominant and one who is overbearing and controlling?
> 
> Janner


The dominant man in control, is like the man that has ownership of something. This is most easy for the man working with his hands, or the man ever to be in combat or intense fistfight to understand: To dominate is a man holding something with the knowledge that it is either living or dieing based on the man's talents, strength, and ability, and that man even being willing to give his life for what is "his". 

This is the essence of being masculine, of being a good man.

This is the same as the artist painting, the sculpting with clay, or even to imagine the good man holding a bad man accountable even with his life to protect his home and those he loves.

To imagine the myths and legends of old, the shining knight slaying the dragon to win the maiden. The simplest parts of what is masculine, contrasted to what is feminine. 

These truths of sexual attraction is a deep emotional language that flows from our deepest parts. 

Be careful, these notions of overbearing and controlling can be deceptive shadows of things that seem one way, but are another.

The good man is not the same as the "weak man".

But know the "weak man" can masquarade as a dominate man, this masquarading is like the pathological control freak that uses yelling or physical abuse to cover his insecurities and weakness. This is not the markings of the good man, the dominant man.

Also much deception and political correctness are attacking the dominant man, by saying controlling, or caveman, or many other caricatures thrown around in an attempt to belittle a man and a masculine nature. Standing against much of such popular culture and political correctness, instead a good man is not a bumbling idiot needing his womans approval to make decisions and be happy. While this may be good for friendship or business decisions, it is not sexually attractive. 

By watching the walk, and not the talk, it is clear where the truth is. 

A woman is not sexually attracted to a "nice guy" or 50/50 or equal or anyting else. These sound nice for a business proposal or friendship, but is NOT sexual attractive.

A woman is irresitibly sexually attracted to the dominant man, and for a dominant man will leave a "weak man" in the dust every time.

A woman is loving a man to be jealous and possessive over her. Giving a woman "space" or any other form of this is a sure way to make your woman think you do not care for her.

A woman is loving the man that is in control and dominant on the sexual and emotional aspects of the relationship. The good man who understands his woman will realize these are one and the same.

To understand these things, is to be happy being the good man in a sexual and passionate marriage.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Janner, whilst I think BBW is definitely on the money with what he is saying, please understand that there is a fine line between being in control of your life and dominant, and arogant, rude and demanding of your wife. 
It is definitely true that your wife will respond allot better to a man that is in control of himself, knows what he wants, looks after himself, takes ownership of things etc etc. STOP being so caught up in what she wants and what you can do to make her happy, because that is making you the weak person and giving her complete control of the situation. Whilst I know that you love her and that you probably dont want to play games with her, she doesnt leave you many options. 

Start to think about what YOU want, in life, in your marriage etc and push for those things. Tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable and that she needs to communicate with you, tell her that you wont lie on your back and take whatever she feels like dishing out. Now I dont mean actually say these things to her directly but tell her these things with your actions.

Make it clear that you love her and that you want to make your marriage work, but that you wont do it alone and that if she doesnt want to, you wont continue to push her because you want to be happy and right now she isnt making you happy. 

Be a little harsh, be a little cold and do this because you are focused on yourself and what you want from life!

Good luck!


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## Janner (Dec 16, 2009)

you guys are great thanks!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Janner said:


> Her reply was "I want to"... what does that mean?


It means she loves you, but she's waiting for you to do the things she feels shows her you love her. she's waiting for it to be safe to love you again.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Janner,
The modern version of slaying the dragon is earning money. Do you have a good job? Can you support your family now? If not, that is where all your focus should be - you won't feel whole and she won't see you as whole without that. 

If you have a 40 hours a week job that does not pay all your bills get a second job. 

Women say they want to talk about feelings and they mean that. They mean that THEY want to talk about how they feel while you listen and react appropriately/supporting/loving etc. But YOU - as a man - you don't wast time on feelings. You suck it up and GET IT DONE. Whatever it is - and it starts with paying the bills. And it is ok your business crashed - that happens. What matters is what you do NOW. 

She will start wanting you when she sees you as the strong provider she used to know. 










Janner said:


> you guys are great thanks!


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## Janner (Dec 16, 2009)

Hey! For this aspect of our relationship you guys (and ladies) are right - she has confirmed this as well... thanks for the comments.

Janner


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Don't guess on what she meant - that can only get you in trouble (and probably has in the past). Communication starts with asking when something is not clear to you. It could mean many things ("I want to, but I just don't", "I like who you are but I'm not physically attracted anymore", "I want to but don't want to be that vulnerable to you again", "I don't feel I can trust you enough to let go" on and on and on).

Ask the woman what she means. Back and forth clarity will be the only way to repair things.


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## parrishll (Dec 19, 2009)

BigBadWolf -- As a woman, I am hopelessly attracted to my husband because he is a CONFIDENT man, not a dominant one.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Parrish,
How does he deal with conflict. 

My absolute favorite conflict is when there is a great outcome and minimal bad feeling on both sides. Is that confidence or dominance? 

Very fine line between confidence and dominance. The best dominance is indistinguishable from a combination of confidence AND competence. 





parrishll said:


> BigBadWolf -- As a woman, I am hopelessly attracted to my husband because he is a CONFIDENT man, not a dominant one.


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## Janner (Dec 16, 2009)

MsLady said:


> Don't guess on what she meant - that can only get you in trouble (and probably has in the past). Communication starts with asking when something is not clear to you. It could mean many things ("I want to, but I just don't", "I like who you are but I'm not physically attracted anymore", "I want to but don't want to be that vulnerable to you again", "I don't feel I can trust you enough to let go" on and on and on).
> 
> Ask the woman what she means. Back and forth clarity will be the only way to repair things.


She has explained to me that she has her wall up because she does not want to get hurt and only after she is confident in me being the man she married and wants to be with will the wall come down. This is not something new for her but it is as far as being up towards me. I understand, and believe she is just afraid of getting hurt and being vulnerable emotionally.

Janner


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Parrish,
> How does he deal with conflict.
> 
> My absolute favorite conflict is when there is a great outcome and minimal bad feeling on both sides. Is that confidence or dominance?
> ...


 - dominant = having primary control, authority, or influence; governing; ruling ;occupying a commanding position

- confident = having or showing confidence or certainty; sure of oneself; bold

Just to make the difference clear. You can't have dominance without confidence. But dominance also implies you're trying to be in the lead and somewhat in control of the other person in the marriage. That's the way i see things. Whereas being plain confident means you treat the other person as an equal as brainpower or rights in decissionmaking. This builds friendship and respect in my opinion. 

As long as my guy is confident in what he's doing and his choices in life, it doesn't matter if he's alpha or beta or dominant or not. I've even been attracted to him while he was baking a cake with a pink apron on for god's sake. Why? Because he knew what he was doing. 

On the other hand, when he bosses me around even slightly, no matter how confident he is, most of the attraction goes away and i just want to hit him with something.


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