# Husband not keen on kissing/touchy freely...



## Shall (Feb 21, 2013)

I have a fantastic husband in so many ways. I'm 39, been together 14 years and have 3 young kids. 

But he doesn't like kissing much (pulls aways and never french kisses), I seemed to do most of the approaching. Sits on other chair alot etc Clings to his side of the bed etc.

He likes bear hug cuddles - but I cuddle all my family, so doesn't feel like special bonding. He is a loving man - but this makes me feel distant and a lack on bonding...

His sex drive has always been less then mind, and with kids and time mine has lowered so not worried about that (2-4 times per month?).

Mmmm what to do...


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## Ignis (Feb 16, 2013)

I understand your concern. Obviously your love language is "touch" and language of your husband something else. What are his qualities that make you feel loved?

You said he is fantastic - just stay with it. Don't push him because he is a type of person who needs more space than you. And above all, don't take it personally!


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Hubby is a great cuddler, but he doesn't kiss me as much as I'd like. I am on medication that increases my saliva. So not much action here either, but I do have an explanation.


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## Shall (Feb 21, 2013)

Ignis - that's a really helpful perspective thank you we do all have different needs and expectations - so I need to have an element of acceptance. 

With compromise in mind... i have had chats with my husband before about this - but would a compromising solution of Snuggling on sofa, but not in bed etc be unreasonable ?

Gosh sorry - I know there are bigger issues in the marriages of some couples. It's just smaller things like these chip away into bigger things over time. Thanks for taking the time to comment.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

When you have talked to him about this, what is his response? What does he give as a reason?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You have described me and my husband. Was he this way too in the beginning? Were you always the pursuer? I too thought because my husband was not coming to me that he wasn't intersted and I had the higher sex drive but I realize now that is not the case at all. My husband was diagnosed as emotionally unavailable and counselor felt it was due to issues in his childhood. Husband tells me he is not comfortable with initiating intimacy because he feels ackward. His solution is our marriage was to play it "safe" and create a world of fantasy to meet his own needs which makes me uncomfortable and so we live in the same house with different unmet needs.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

2-4 times a month sex is not much at all.

Has he had his testosterone levels checked?

I know you say your drive is lower, but it may be feeling low because you are not attracted to him, because he is neglecting your needs.

Not bonding sexually and intimately is of great concern.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Following up on Ignis's point, you might be interested in the book the Five Languages of Love (I am not on commission)


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

I know it could be different causes for men versus women, but I relate to your husband. It sometimes can come from just the way a kid is brought up, with physical displays of affection being rare even in good times. He may think it seems awkward or fake to be too expressive. 

I'm just saying what would work for me and it might not apply, but maybe if you were to try more of a temptress attitude towards him--like dressing up, giving him space but being flirtatious, and waiting for him to come to you. Act like when you were dating. Might give him the motivation if he feels less pressure and more desired, and you might get more of the kind of attention you're wanting from him.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Ask him to read the Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. He explains how French kissing daily for a minimum of 10 seconds helps with the love hormones etc. There's Lots of good information, it's not a sex book. Well worth the read.


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## Ignis (Feb 16, 2013)

Shall said:


> Ignis - that's a really helpful perspective thank you we do all have different needs and expectations - so I need to have an element of acceptance.
> 
> With compromise in mind... i have had chats with my husband before about this - but would a compromising solution of Snuggling on sofa, but not in bed etc be unreasonable ?
> 
> Gosh sorry - I know there are bigger issues in the marriages of some couples. It's just smaller things like these chip away into bigger things over time. Thanks for taking the time to comment.


I completely understand your needs. So, as a married man, who also needs his own space and sometimes reacts a bit strange (for woman perspective) when sets his boundaries, I can relate to your hubby.

Of course, it is difficult to say, what are his reasons - this is what he must explain. But I would definitely suggest you to read two books in order to understand your man better:
- Personality Plus (Florence Littauer)
- 5 love languages (Gary Chapman)
And then, you can visit this site - you will find plenty of good marriage-related books!

Hope this helps!


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## likeaboss (Feb 21, 2013)

Ignis said:


> I understand your concern. Obviously your love language is "touch" and language of your husband something else. What are his qualities that make you feel loved?
> 
> You said he is fantastic - just stay with it. Don't push him because he is a type of person who needs more space than you. And above all, don't take it personally!


This.

My wife and I's love languages differ. We know this now, and she shows it in different ways than I do.

Took us years to figure it out!!!


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## likeaboss (Feb 21, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> Ask him to read the Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. He explains how French kissing daily for a minimum of 10 seconds helps with the love hormones etc. There's Lots of good information, it's not a sex book. Well worth the read.


Great book. 

I haven't checked out his forums but apparently he has forums now as well.


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