# hurt and confused need help



## elsajim (Oct 31, 2012)

36 year old married for over 17 years., my husband is a great man to me and to the children and was always helpful in the house and took care of everything, but 4 years ago he started working out and changed, now he does nothing in the house I have to be mom and dad to the children, he only thinks about himself, all he does is work, eat, sleep and workout.. and shop, but lately he is hiding his cell, he starts work at 4 and leaves the house at 2 ( he only has a 35 min drive). he is different i cant stand him anymore and feel sorry for him, i am good on my own but dont know if divorce is the way to go!


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## HockeyGuy28 (Oct 22, 2012)

Honestly, you need to talk to him. Confront him about it and it does not have to be in an angry way. See how he reacts to it. If he gets angry right away and defensive then there is probably something up. Hopefully he just talks to you and hopefully it ends up being something minor.

I changed my diet and started working out a lot and my life has completely changed. But that doesn't mean I am having an affair. Actually I did it to hopefully spice up my love life and build my confidence. I certainly built my confidence up but my love life had no change. 

I am not leaving my wife for that reason, but when I did bring up divorce one of the first things thrown at me was that I was working out and looking better and I must be having an affair or have someone waiting for me...and for the record I am not and would never have an affair or cheat.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Yes, I would say talk to him.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Another vote for TALK TO HIM. And you may have to talk twice and be clear in bringing up the d-word, because sometimes that's the only way men will listen. And be prepared if he still doesn't listen to head down that route.. it should not be an idle threat, but a real call for change, and understanding, and if you both honestly try to work to resolve the gulf that has appeared in your marriage.. then maybe. If not, then at least you gave it a fair shot, and gave him a fair shot.


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## elsajim (Oct 31, 2012)

I have talked to him about his changes and he keeps saying that he just needs time for himself and things that where important before are currently not in his list that his number one priority is his person., the other day I tried to look at his cell and he took it from me immediately, i confronted him and asked about his reaction, he became nervous and kind of angry, i asked a bout an incomming call that was on his cell and at first he said it had been from work but I told him that that was a lie because it was not even the same area code as his work and then he changed his story and said that it had been his friend that had divided him for a drink after work but since i get upset because he goes out with friends to bars after work he did not wanted to say that that was it, I did not believed him and now I am upset with him and cant stand him., don't know what to do. I said that i was attending a counselor and he said that he would not attend because that was for people with a weak mind and that all i had to do was to trust him but I just cant...I have a lot of anger and frustration and on the other hand I feel sorry for him


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Tough situation. Its good that you talked to him about his changes (my wife underwent some changes too, I'd like to say she lost weight and lost her mind) but maybe try talking about your relationship instead. At least to start, maybe try to see if you can share in some of his interests, or ask him very clearly to share in yours. Because right now it seems you are leading separate lives, and separate lives lead to mistrust, whether its for a real reason or not. 

If that doesn't work then confront him about the possibility of divorce; sometimes that wakes stupid men out of their coma. But it may also confirm your suspicion that he's already moved on; just be prepared for a variety of responses. I'll say that the counseling response may be pretty typical; I know when my wife first asked me I said I didn't want to go, then later on I said I still didn't want to go but would go if she wants. By that time she'd already given up and then didn't want to go herself. The first time she asked I really didn't think there was a problem. The second time I thought there was a problem but didn't think a counselor would save it. Guess it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Good luck.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

He's cheating on you. The red flags are there to see. I recommend asking a mod to move this over to the CWI forum. No doubt you know that hiding the cell phone and suddenly changing your appearance are clues that point to infidelity.


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## elsajim (Oct 31, 2012)

thank you all, I am now sure he is cheating, i asked for his phone today and he gave it to me but all his data was erased (call log and text).. funny, i said to him and he answered you wanted to see it., he also said I am not cheating on you, trust me I love you.. tired and done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's cheating. 

Do you have access to the phone bills? If so get them and look to see who he is calling and whose's calling him.

If you don't have access, why not? (important question)

Some of the people here know how to pull down messages from cell phone even if they are deleted. They are often still stored somewhere on the cell.. probably like the trash folder on a computer.

Does he use a home computer much?

There are ways that you can get evidence of what he's doing. Since most cheaters lie and only admit to what is found out, it's up to you the BS (betrayed spouse) to find out.


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## elsajim (Oct 31, 2012)

no I don't have records because we use a service called cricket and they do not have statements or records, I called and they told me that they could print out records form last month but I need to notarize a form with all his info and signature, so that is a no go, i have been planting to put a tape recorder in his car and see if i get anything..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

make sure you put velcro to secure that VAR so it does not slide out while the car is moving around.

Does he use the computer much?


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## greg54 (Nov 2, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greg54 (Nov 2, 2012)

Try a GPS tracking device like a phone to see where he's going ... just don't get caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You bring up that he goes shopping? How much time a week does he spend shopping and for what?

On the surface it sounds like a great excuse to get out and cheat.


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## elsajim (Oct 31, 2012)

he leaves to work early about 1 and a half hours before work and he always takes cash out but never has receipts for what he buys with it, never thought of anything because he loves shopping but with all this i am suspicious of everything, i look in to his drawer today and found a number of a girl with address and phone so I am going to place the recorder and see what i can get, I am done just need some hard evidence because we have 3 children and I do not want to give him any reason for him to turn things around and make himself the victim he is very good at it..


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## elsajim (Oct 31, 2012)

I have access to his facebook and email and have been in it but nothing out of the ordinary.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When he shops, does he bring things home? If so, do the things he brings home equal the amount of cash he takes out.

This sounds more and more like he is cheating.


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