# Need help. Or a swift kick in the A.



## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

I just returned from a deployment yesterday. About three days before I returned I learned that my wife of almost 9 years got drunk and kissed 4 different guys while I was gone. Including giving one a handjob. Of course I'm very upset about it but I love her and want to keep our family together. We have two boys, 8 and 5. Anyways she is saying that she don't know what she wants and has been sorta faking the day to day for awhile. She also wants a seperation and is staying at a friends as I type this. What do I do? This is a lot to deal with all at once! I love her and don't want to loose her but at the same time don't want to be a doormat. I feel she has been very selfish and still is. The thought of divorce doesn't phase her right now. She says she don't know if she wants to be in this or even try to work it out. Shouldn't I be the one having second thoughts? Shouldn't I be the one wanting to walk out? She says she loves and cares about me but is not in love with me. Please help me. My whole world is upside down right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hate to tell you, but the way she's acting says there has been more going on than having got drunk once while you were gone. She's been cheating, hooking up etc, and now that you're back she realizes it's either stop cheating or move out.

she's chosen moving out and continuing cheating.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My advice is to find the guy she's seeing and expose it to everyone wide and far. that might chase him off and bring her back to her senses.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Sorry man. but most likely she's been screwing around for awhile before that incident. You've been deployed and she has changed since you were away. If she is not willing to be remorseful and work it out then you should let her go. She kissed 4 guys and a hand job????I bet there was more to that then what she's telling you. Besides she is straight up disrespecting you and the marriage. She knew you were coming home and this is how she acts. 

I don't know how long you've been married to her since you been in the military or if your going 20, but you should divorce her before the 10 year mark so she doesn't get half your retirement.Just saying. Hang in there you'll get through this. There are other plenty of other women out there that, who will love and respect you.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

04Harley said:


> I just returned from a deployment yesterday. About three days before I returned I learned that my wife of almost 9 years got drunk and kissed 4 different guys while I was gone. Including giving one a handjob. Of course I'm very upset about it but I love her and want to keep our family together. We have two boys, 8 and 5. Anyways she is saying that she don't know what she wants and has been sorta faking the day to day for awhile. She also wants a seperation and is staying at a friends as I type this. What do I do? This is a lot to deal with all at once! I love her and don't want to loose her but at the same time don't want to be a doormat. I feel she has been very selfish and still is. The thought of divorce doesn't phase her right now. She says she don't know if she wants to be in this or even try to work it out. Shouldn't I be the one having second thoughts? Shouldn't I be the one wanting to walk out? She says she loves and cares about me but is not in love with me. Please help me. My whole world is upside down right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, get this in your head now. 

*YOU CAN NOT CONTROL HER!* 

Any attempts to do so will backfire. You may not want to lose her, but if she wants to go you cannot stop her. Trying to prevent her from going with niceties and begging *WILL NOT HELP YOU*

Right now she is in fog land. Where the sun is purple and grass is bright blue. She will not make sense and she will not be thinking or acting rationally. Trying to fight her fog with rational thoughts and words *WILL NOT HELP YOU*. 

To break a wayward spouse out of their fog they need to see the reality of their situation. You're gonna have to let them fall and not catch them. When she realizes that she can truly be divorced and a single woman with no home and no husband caring for her, that will most likely break her out of the fog. Not a 100% chance but your best bet. 

If she is seeing other guys* YOU CANNOT RECONCILE*. Before you can even get her to the table on reconciliation, she needs to recommit to the marriage. 

The following is tantamount. 

To save your marriage, you gotta be willing to walk away from it. 

Currently your marriage is gone. However if you reconcile, a new relationship will have to be built upon new foundations of boundaries and respect.

If you beg to her or do nothing. If you give her a precedent that she can do whatever she wants in gumdrop land and you'll be her *Plan B/Safety net* and never leave her, it will only get so much worse for you, so much worse.

Also come to terms with the possibility that she may truly want out. If she does there is nothing you can do about. 

A poster nearly in your position was Stuck mick. Although he deleted his thread, I still remember it. His wife told him she wants a separation and a lot of crying and all that. He tried for more than 9 months to nice up to her and keep her in the marriage by a lot of scraping and near begging.

After the 9 months she again told him she wants to separate, but this time she was different because all that begging and scrapping gave her huge entitlement problems and turned her into a manipulator. She wants him to move out of the home and into a spare trailer they own, to be a on call nanny for the kids whenever she needs him, and anytime he was saying lets just divorce, she keeps him on the leash as her plan B by saying maybe(yes a noncommittal maybe) once he leaves she 'might' start missing him.

His thread is in the private section so you can't see it, but hes still pretty much in the palm of her hand to this day. After all that crap they STILL separated and even though shes the one who wanted out, hes the one who packed up and left. Many vets foresaw this outcome. Sad to see it happen, but who knows how different it may have played out if he only manned upand laid down the law. 

Playing nice and begging does not work at all.

Don't let that be you. Make a stand.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

I know she got drunk more than once. These 4 things were spread out over my deployment. I assume there are more and that she slept with them too. I'm just really trying to hold I together here. She stayed at a friend of the family's house last night. I have the kids. I'm starting to get the idea that this might be over and I need to protect myself. How do I do that without getting too ugly? I am going to refuse to move out. If she wants seperation she can leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

04Harley said:


> I know she got drunk more than once. These 4 things were spread out over my deployment. I assume there are more and that she slept with them too. I'm just really trying to hold I together here. She stayed at a friend of the family's house last night. I have the kids. I'm starting to get the idea that this might be over and I need to protect myself. How do I do that without getting too ugly? I am going to refuse to move out. If she wants seperation she can leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Definitely. NEVER leave the marital home under circumstance. First off since she went out of the marriage she go out of the home too.

Secondly, some men will leave the home and be slapped with abandonment charges in divorce court later. The fact that the ex wife asked him to leave is irrelevant cause she'll just claim that she didn't. 

Also, its gonna get ugly, consign yourself to that. Some men will try to avoid confrontation and it almost always backfires.

Also why give her free reign to screw whoever she wants? When wayward spouses get separated they're not thinking about their husbands and wifes. They're thinking of how much sex they can get with the Other man/Other woman since they're not accounted for anymore.

They'll treat the separation like its them being temporarily single again and on the market.

If you really want to make a stand so they know where you're at and you're not a man to deal with trivialities, then have her served with divorce papers. Keep in mind a divorce can be stopped at any time, but that will definitely wake her up to reality.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First, cancel any joint credit cards

Take half the money you two have in any joint accounts and move it into an account with only your name on it

Talk to a lawyer TODAY if possible to find out what your rights are

Look up the 180 here and implement it now

I'm sorry but I too believe that alot more has gone on than you know about. You should get tested for STDs and do not have sex with her if the chance arises until she's tested too.

Last but in no way the least, thank you for your service. This is a sh!tty way to get paid back!


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

sorry buddy, she did alot moe than kiss 4 guys and give 1 guy a hj,she's just protecting her image as best she can. best thing u can do is cut the funds off and let her see what her lifes going to be like....thank you for your service to our country...


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Hey Harley,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I know a lot of this advice is going to seem counterintuitive to what you WANT to do, but to save your marriage you have to be prepared to call the shots here, and walk away if your terms are not met. 

You cannot nice someone out of an affair. 

Instead of typing a lot here, read these links. First, your wife doing the whole fence sitting, can't decide crap, is asking you to do , what I call, the Humiliating Dance of Pick Me! The Humiliating Dance of

Next, here is a how-to of what to do when you've been cheated on 
I just discovered I was cheated on. Now what?

And here is what NOT to do What NOT to do

I think you really need to check out the what not to dos. The more you go doormat, and the more you feel and behave desperate to save this, the more license she feels to eat cake. (Have her marriage and screw around).

Thank you for your service to our country. I'm really sorry this was your homecoming. ((Hugs))


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cut her off from credit etc.

Find the OM, get her cell records, if you've got a PC then see if you can get her passwords etc. 

Find the OM and expose the affair. If he is also military then you can blow the cheating up in his face and really get him to move on.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

The unfortunate truth is you need a close friend to help make your decisions for you right now, because you might be emotionally incapable of making objective decisions. 

Because you need to start playing real rough. This woman is not respecting you. Don't play it her way. File now, kick her out now, and make sure you have evidence so you can show her family. 

One other thing. I would find THE guy and beat the ever-loving sh*t out of him.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

Ok big question. What do I do about he kids? She was talking about getting an apartment last night and having the kids with her. I will not allow this. It don't know the legal way to do this. Waking up in our bed alone his morning gave a moment of clarity. I need to move on for my boys and me. I'm going to call a few attorneys today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Lawyer up ASAP.

Implement the 180 ASAP.
The Healing Heart: The 180

Proceed toward divorce. Even a quick divorce will take months. You can call it off at any time. But you need to wake her up with your actions. Yelling at her won't do it. It will only make her more resolved to leave you. You have to be calm and resolved to stand up for yourself.

I would also check her phone records to see what numbers she calls/texts. Any numbers that pop up too often, or at weird times, are likely affair partners. If these men have wives or girlfriends, you can expose the affair to them.

Good luck.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. If she is telling you she kissed these guys I am pretty sure it went much further. It is called trickle truth and that is what cheaters do. They very rarely come out and tell you everything.

Do you know who the guys are? find out and expose. Do you guys live on base? I am sure some of your neighbors know what is going on.

Exposing her indescretion to her family and friends is a good first step. Pressure from Mom and Dad to be a good girl will help a great deal.

She tells you that she does not care about D but I am betting that is not true. I would file and have her served. Read about the fog in these threads. She is in a fantasy world right now and she needs a good wake up call.

I would also do the 180. What ever you do do not sleep with her until she is checked for stds.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

I am stationed in NC. There is a one year required seperation period before a D I'd final :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

04Harley said:


> Ok big question. What do I do about he kids? She was talking about getting an apartment last night and having the kids with her. I will not allow this. It don't know the legal way to do this. Waking up in our bed alone his morning gave a moment of clarity. I need to move on for my boys and me. I'm going to call a few attorneys today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your lawyer can best advise you. However, you need to realize that you live in the United States. Kids living with their mother is the de facto custody arrangement regardless of fault in the divorce. If you can prove that your wife screwed 15 guys in front of your kids, while smoking crack and robbing banks, you MIGHT be able to get full custody.

There are some good forums and good information at this link.
Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

04Harley said:


> I love her and don't want to loose her but at the same time


I want to share a perspective with you. It's incredibly hard to accept in the intial stages. If there was one thing I could have understood and accepted it's this...

Your marriage is over. You have lost her, she is gone. In every situation, it required a process of detachment for her to do the things that she did... She convinced herself that it was over, she has left the marriage mentally and emotionally. She just didn't bother to tell you.

If you rebuild any sort of relationship with this women, it will not be what you remember. She will never again be the person you married. If this ever has any chance, it will take an incredible amount of strength and determination from both of you. Right now, there's only you. 

You've gotten terrific advice, and you will continue to have people here trying desprately to help you see the light... Do yourself a favor if you want any chance. Mourn the loss of the relationship you had, it can't be 'saved'. You have to start over, and that can't be done alone.

Protect yourself brother.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Does she have a job? Please don't give her any money for her own apartment aka lovenest. She is abanonding her family. I wouldn't even let her take the kids anywhere (your lawyer will advise the legalities) right now. She is not to be trusted. She could try & take the children to hang out with all those other scumbags who cheated with a married woman.

She can visit the children in the marital home under your supervision. You know nothing about those other men. They are strangers. They could be child molesters for all you know.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Harley,

I'm so glad you're calling lawyers. Make sure you get a FAMILY law lawyer and not a general practice sort. It's a specialized field and you really need someone with good experience on father's rights and custody issues. Bring all your evidence of the affair to your lawyer. Fault matters, even in no fault divorce states. Judges tend to frown on bringing f*ckbuddies around the kids.

One way to find a good lawyer, try Lawyer & Attorney Ratings : Find Rated Lawyers & Attorneys at Super Lawyers and see if there is someone in your area. These are the lawyers recommended by OTHER lawyers as tops in their field. (It's a resource only lawyers seem to know about, I know about it because my H is a lawyer.)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

04Harley said:


> Ok big question. What do I do about he kids? She was talking about getting an apartment last night and having the kids with her. I will not allow this. It don't know the legal way to do this. Waking up in our bed alone his morning gave a moment of clarity. I need to move on for my boys and me. I'm going to call a few attorneys today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 SHE isn't happy with the family. SHE can leave it. Kids stay at home with you. Best wakeup call you can give her. Go to your lawyer today to protect your right, so she can't kick you out of the house. I guarantee you SOMEone is telling her to do that. 

Remember that even cheaters think they are right.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

04Harley said:


> I am stationed in NC. There is a one year required seperation period before a D I'd final :-(
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


NC does have a for cause action to create a legal separation called Divorce from Bed and Board. Adultery is a cause. This action woul settle who lives in the house, could be used to set up visitation, etc. If you have proof of the adultery it would surely wake her up and provide you a legal separation.


§_ 50-7. Grounds for divorce from bed and board.

The court may grant divorces from bed and board on application of the party injured, made as by law provided, in the following cases if either party:

(1) Abandons his or her family.

(2) Maliciously turns the other out of doors.

(3) By cruel or barbarous treatment endangers the life of the other. In addition, the court may grant the victim of such treatment the remedies available under G.S. 50B-1, et seq.

(4) Offers such indignities to the person of the other as to render his or her condition intolerable and life burdensome.

(5) Becomes an excessive user of alcohol or drugs so as to render the condition of the other spouse intolerable and the life of that spouse burdensome.

(6) Commits adultery._


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The kids stay with you in the family home. She is one who is abandoning you and the home.

Cut off her access to money and credit. Do not let her use family money to finance her apartment or her affair.

Find the OM, as I said before if you dig you will find who she is leaving to be with. Ask your kids about any new uncles.

If the OM is military you have is a$$. He is in a world of trouble for hooking up with another's wife.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

04Harley said:


> I just returned from a deployment yesterday. About three days before I returned I learned that my wife of almost 9 years got drunk and kissed 4 different guys while I was gone. Including giving one a handjob. Of course I'm very upset about it but I love her and want to keep our family together. We have two boys, 8 and 5. Anyways she is saying that she don't know what she wants and has been sorta faking the day to day for awhile. She also wants a seperation and is staying at a friends as I type this. What do I do? This is a lot to deal with all at once! I love her and don't want to loose her but at the same time don't want to be a doormat. I feel she has been very selfish and still is. The thought of divorce doesn't phase her right now. She says she don't know if she wants to be in this or even try to work it out. Shouldn't I be the one having second thoughts? Shouldn't I be the one wanting to walk out? She says she loves and cares about me but is not in love with me. Please help me. My whole world is upside down right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for your service and welcome to the club no one deserves to be in I agree i feel there is more to this than a HJ and the fact that she left first you need to decide what you want to do ?? stay married or get a divorce ? once you decide that their are steps to take in either scenerio 

Good Luck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Put as much of your money as you can into some sort of trust or bank thing that she can't touch without your consent. If she balks, tell her she can have her HALF as soon as the divorce is final.

You have a chance to get her to come to her senses, but you have to be SWIFT, STRONG, and SURE in your actions. You will NOT tolerate infidelity, she gets ONE chance to stay in this family and that is to stop IMMEDIATELY. Most women need to see this to wake up. Never ever ever ASK her to stop. Tell her stop or I'm leaving you. Scare the crap out of her. And if she refuses, IMMEDIATELY call up her family and friends and tell them what's going on - she WILL call them at some point and blame you. Whoever tells first, is usually believed. Cut off her support system, get them upset with HER, so that she realizes she's throwing away a good thing. 

And let her see what her 'singledom' is like without any money.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

04Harley said:


> I just returned from a deployment yesterday. About three days before I returned I learned that my wife of almost 9 years got drunk and kissed 4 different guys while I was gone. Including giving one a handjob. Of course I'm very upset about it but I love her and want to keep our family together. We have two boys, 8 and 5. Anyways she is saying that she don't know what she wants and has been sorta faking the day to day for awhile. She also wants a seperation and is staying at a friends as I type this. What do I do? This is a lot to deal with all at once! I love her and don't want to loose her but at the same time don't want to be a doormat. I feel she has been very selfish and still is. The thought of divorce doesn't phase her right now. She says she don't know if she wants to be in this or even try to work it out. Shouldn't I be the one having second thoughts? Shouldn't I be the one wanting to walk out? She says she loves and cares about me but is not in love with me. Please help me. My whole world is upside down right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am sorry you are in this situation. There is exactly 0 chance this woman has not slept with several men. She is just telling you what she as much as she needs in order for her conscience to settle down. We call this trickle truth. 

Your military experience should help you know believe it or not. If you look up "the 180" I think it is in the newbie thread on here. there is a list of actions that you can perform now. A sort of preparation of what is to come. I think that you need to lay low for a bit and gather as much evidence as you can. email accounts, phone records, if you can go through her phone (do it), think of it as just gathering intel.for a mission. 
Right now you need to detach as much as possible and start trying to find out how deep this rabbit hole goes. If you need any assistance gathering evidence the link in my sig. goes to an evidence gathering thread. 

Right now you need to understand that your wife is in full on fantasy mode. She has had the luxury of a steady income and household while getting to go out and party and sleep around like a teenager. I hope whatever you find gives you a clear path to move towards.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Harley,

You are getting great advice.

Please give us a few more specifics.
Your Age?
Your Wifes Age?
Your Kids AGes?
How long you are married?
How long in the service?
How long your last tour was?
How your wife communicates with you? Verbal, text or email?
What type of cell phone she uses if she texts or emails you?

And while you are looking at lawyers do not leave the house. Protect the kids. Everyone is on the money with their advice so far.

But here is another piece of advice. Buy (2) voice activated recorders. Keep one hidden on you and record all your conversations with your wife to protect yourself.

Use the other one in her car hi8dden under the seat to find out (if you do not know) who the Other Man or Other Men are.

If you do not have access to her car hide it where she might talk on her phone in your house while you are out of the home.

Good Luck and Keep posting.

And remember to Attack the enemy. When the fight starts do not hunker down and defend but get up, use superior firepower and go right through the enemy.

Even if the enemy is your wife and her affairs.

HM64


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Yes sir you come home to a new war. An emotional one where your enemy is the fantasy world your WW (wayward wife) has lived in while you were away. Your weapon, reality, don't be nice, loving, or caring. Your whole goal should be to make life as hard for her as possible. 
I'd start by asking her to leave. if she won't then you leave. if you have kids then take them with YOU.. Don't leave them behind. you can easily check the phone records online and see who she has been calling.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Hey Harley,
> 
> You are getting great advice.
> 
> ...


My age-33
Her age-32
Kids-8&5
Married almost 9 years
In service 14 years
Last deployment was only 4 months
Comm plan is either verbal or text form her iPhone. 

I went and visited a lawyer today. He gave me some of the same advice. Stay in the house. Keep the kids. Cut her off. And not have sex with her (haven't since before deployment) I drafted a seperation agreement today. We have a lot of property together including two houses and 2 cars and a motorcycle. I'll give her her car but I'm keeping the rest. As far as the kids I'm seeking sole physical custody and joint legal custody. Lawyer said I won't owe allomony due to adultery. Haven't showed it to her yet. I am also keeping a running log of everything I do with the kids and indicating if she is involved or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One note. Buy one of those spiral binders for your log. I've heard that it helps to show that you didn't slip in papers to 'fake' a chronology of events.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

Good advice. I've been using my notes app on my phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And keep your notes secure.

You do not want her taking them. T happened just a few days ago to another member.

And record your conversations so you are protected and she cannot call "foul" by having you arrested in case she goes over top about D and custody.

You just never know.

By the way, a few members know how to get all the old deleted texts and messages off an iPhone or the pc it syncs to if tht helps you.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

04Harley said:


> I am stationed in NC. There is a one year required seperation period before a D I'd final :-(
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bummer! In TX, you can be divorced in as little as 61 days.

(Note to self: don't get married and live in NC - not that I plan on getting married again.)


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

What's the best way to cut her off financially? Every account is joint.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Harley, ask your lawyer, but you are allowed to take half the cash from the accounts. Also cut off credit cards asap. Open an account with only your name on it.

Also -- please do this -- run a free credit check on her Free Credit Report & History | FreeCreditReport.com® Official -- you probably have to put in your last car payment or some identifying info -- but it will uncover debt or PO boxes you don't know about. Cheaters will often try to f*ck you over financially (or have been already). 

My H is a lawyer and he has an expression -- "If it feels good -- don't do it."

Don't engage with her. Don't yell or argue or do anything to provoke her. Communicate ONLY by email (document!). Don't get into a flame war, don't do any drama, don't tell her off. Revenge (if you're so inclined) is a dish best served cold. All drama will be used against you. Also it's not unheard of for cheaters to get protections orders out on their betrayed husbands, please be careful. You might consider keeping a VAR on you too.

If you can avoid all interaction with her in person, I'd suggest you do that. 

Hang in there. I know this sucks. You're doing great having seen a lawyer.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

chumplady said:


> My H is a lawyer and he has an expression -- "If it feels good -- don't do it."


Chumplady, that's great advice.

(Reminds me of the advice from the late Jack LaLanne regarding food: 'If it tastes good, spit it out.' :rofl: Can't argue with that advice because he lived to be almost 100.)


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

It's going to be hard to not see her. Not because I am weak but because she hasn't moved out yet. Tonight will be the second night she has stayed elsewhere. She still comes over to see the kids after school. She also works from home (MLM job) so her office is here. Today when she was here I kept the conversation to just the kids. I could tell it was eating her up when I wouldn't engage in other conversation topics. I didn't ignore her but kept my answers short and steered right back to the kids. I told her I want to meet tomorrow. She don't know yet but that is when I will give her the seperation agreement I drafted today. I also plan to cut the funds tonight. She has handled all the financials for years due to my deployments and such. I don't really know any of the money is other than what I can see online. She took her computer too so I can't dig anything up there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Add 'you need to moveout before the end of the week' to that list, and it'd be solid. 

One way or the other SHE CANNOT STAY IN THAT HOUSE, not after she disrespected you so. That is not the message you want to send. 

Also continue not to talk about the relationship. When you deliver your terms thats what shes gonna try to do, draw you into a storm of drama and then she'll bring a rain of crocodile tears. Happens all the time.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

I can say for certain there will be no tears. She has been ice cold since I got home. Even when talking in detail about what she did and how it hurt me. I have even cried in front of her and she was even colder. Shameful to admit that a warrior can cry I know but I had a weak moment. I am past that now. I'm not even trying to keep us together now. I have my marching orders in my head and plan to carry out my mission! Marines are all about mission accomplishment! I have survived live fire and IED blast. I have already applied quick clot to my emotional wounds to stop the bleeding. I have started the breathing and after tomorrow she will be the one getting treated for shock! Lol. I'm feeling really good about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Stay strong, Harley. And don't be ashamed about crying. You brought your A game. She didn't. It's totally on her. It's human to bond, even with people who treat us poorly. It's great you're being a field marshall, and getting out (YEA!) but you'll grieve even a crappy marriage. It's okay. Sending you big (((hugs))). Hang in there.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

04Harley said:


> I am stationed in NC. There is a one year required seperation period before a D I'd final :-(
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Check that with a lawyer. I am in SC and have friends in NC. Proven infidelity can shorten that period to a couple of months (or so I have been told). Also I think if both parties agree on the divorce that will shorten the waiting period.

Again - talk to a lawyer and tell him ALL the details.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

04Harley said:


> I can say for certain there will be no tears. She has been ice cold since I got home. Even when talking in detail about what she did and how it hurt me. I have even cried in front of her and she was even colder. Shameful to admit that a warrior can cry I know but I had a weak moment. I am past that now. I'm not even trying to keep us together now. I have my marching orders in my head and plan to carry out my mission! Marines are all about mission accomplishment! I have survived live fire and IED blast. I have already applied quick clot to my emotional wounds to stop the bleeding. I have started the breathing and after tomorrow she will be the one getting treated for shock! Lol. I'm feeling really good about this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wish I could hit the like button twice.

I've seen many stories similar to yours. Most with the same outcome. Be strong. The battle has just started.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What proof do you have for adultery ?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

04Harley said:


> What's the best way to cut her off financially? Every account is joint.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Open a new account in your name only (even at a different bank). Have your direct deposit salary changed to the new account. 

Take 50% of the money from any joint accounts and put in the new account.

If she is looking for space to live - you do not have to foot the bill for her to find a party center.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What proof do you have for adultery ?


Her confession and a witness / accomplice who was involved in some sort of 3 way with her. This person (woman) and her husband started this mess and she was with my wife every time. That's how I first found out. I also suspect an affair with this woman's husband after I looked at my phone bill. Thousands of text messages were exchanged between them while I was gone. My kids keep talking about him because he was at the house so much. Like he has a shirt just like your daddy or he took us fishing with mommy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

04Harley said:


> I just returned from a deployment yesterday. About three days before I returned I learned that my wife of almost 9 years got drunk and kissed 4 different guys while I was gone. Including giving one a handjob. Of course I'm very upset about it but I love her and want to keep our family together. We have two boys, 8 and 5. Anyways she is saying that she don't know what she wants and has been sorta faking the day to day for awhile. She also wants a seperation and is staying at a friends as I type this. What do I do? This is a lot to deal with all at once! I love her and don't want to loose her but at the same time don't want to be a doormat. I feel she has been very selfish and still is. The thought of divorce doesn't phase her right now. She says she don't know if she wants to be in this or even try to work it out. Shouldn't I be the one having second thoughts? Shouldn't I be the one wanting to walk out? She says she loves and cares about me but is not in love with me. Please help me. My whole world is upside down right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate you are having to deal with this mess. Your W has no respect for herself. Sorry you can't turn a hoe into a house wife. W has shamed herself in public. She does not care about you or the kids. Cheaters are selfish people who only think of themself. 
Some make light of cheaters betraying kids and spouse. She has hurt you in a very coldhearted way. Your W has being giving up the cookie. You need to get her where it hurt. You go to the bank and remove her name off all accounts. You hold your head up high and move on. They don't think of the children or the wedding vows. You can do better. You don't want her no way. She might have an STD or even AIDS (if she having unprotected sex).


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

04Harley said:


> I know she got drunk more than once. These 4 things were spread out over my deployment. I assume there are more and that she slept with them too. I'm just really trying to hold I together here. She stayed at a friend of the family's house last night. I have the kids. I'm starting to get the idea that this might be over and I need to protect myself. How do I do that without getting too ugly? I am going to refuse to move out. If she wants seperation she can leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With her fing all around, you do best to get a divorce and move on. But you might want to keep her . If that is the case ,you and her go get tested for STD and AIDS. This W all out in public making you look like a joke.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

04Harley said:


> Her confession and a witness / accomplice who was involved in some sort of 3 way with her. This person (woman) and her husband started this mess and she was with my wife every time. That's how I first found out. I also suspect an affair with this woman's husband after I looked at my phone bill. Thousands of text messages were exchanged between them while I was gone. My kids keep talking about him because he was at the house so much. Like he has a shirt just like your daddy or he took us fishing with mommy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Shame on her Harley for doing all of that crap, especially in front of the kids.

And you wanna know why she is being so cold, because you do not know the half of what she really has done and for how long.

So your best bet is shock and awe my man.

And no matter what if it gets messy and the OM is a fellow soldier you might have to hit him where it hurts.

Be ready to get all the evidence and expose, expose, expose to get what is best for you and the kids.


HM64


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

04Harley said:


> I know she got drunk more than once. These 4 things were spread out over my deployment. I assume there are more and that she slept with them too. I'm just really trying to hold I together here. She stayed at a friend of the family's house last night. I have the kids. I'm starting to get the idea that this might be over and I need to protect myself. How do I do that without getting too ugly? I am going to refuse to move out. If she wants seperation she can leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please stop making excuses for her bad behavior. So she got drunk and did what she wanted too. She has not always been drunk. Plus she wants a time out from you. Which is like a free pass to sleep around. She all out in public making you look weak . IMHO you need to man up and move on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you called her parents yet and told them what she's done?


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> Have you called her parents yet and told them what she's done?


Mine know and a few of our friends but I haven't called her dad. Not sure if he knows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

04Harley said:


> Mine know and a few of our friends but I haven't called her dad. Not sure if he knows.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her family already know and might be friends with the guy.They smile in OM face. Then they smile in your face too. Her family is two faced. You don't need to fool yourself.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> Her family already know and might be friends with the guy.They smile in OM face. Then they smile in your face too. Her family is two faced. You don't need to fool yourself.


Doubt that as we are in nc and her dad lives in ca
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

04Harley said:


> Her confession and a witness / accomplice who was involved in some sort of 3 way with her. This person (woman) and her husband started this mess and she was with my wife every time. That's how I first found out. I also suspect an affair with this woman's husband after I looked at my phone bill. Thousands of text messages were exchanged between them while I was gone. My kids keep talking about him because he was at the house so much. Like he has a shirt just like your daddy or he took us fishing with mommy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have told your lawyer about this guy possibly being the OM and being allowed by you WW to be around the kids at your house a lot.  Also make sure your lawyer has all the text info.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the #1 advice you will get that you don't want to do, but has the UTMOST EFFECT on the situation: Call her dad tomorrow morning. Tell him the truth. And tell her siblings, her best friends, and her pastor.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

No I haven't. I don't really care about outing him. I'm over this relationship. If she wants him she can have him. I don't share.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

I just want to reiterate that after you show her the agreement she might break down and want reconciliation. That 10 year retirement mark might be the motivating factor for her.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

It will not be that simple H. She is going to want all she can get from you by using the kids.

That is why you need proof if filing adultry. Its not about exposing him, its about protecting your kids from her and the trash she hang with.
Listen to the VETs on this. Since she is already talking about taking the kids, you know she is going to fight you on this. And PLZ do not expect these ppl be honest an say in a court that she confessed. 
They are her sex group, not your friend.

Get proof !!! Show she is having group sex. That way you have a much better chance of keeping the kids.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Since you have kids, for their sake, try this one chance to shock her out of her current beliefs about the situation:

1. Do the 180
2. Stay in the house, keep the kids with you
3. File for divorce, have them handed to her (you can later stop this)


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

04Harley said:


> The thought of divorce doesn't phase her right now. She says she don't know if she wants to be in this or even try to work it out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is your chance! Take a hard stand, and maybe, very maybe you can get your family together later on.

The rest of your first post is 'doormat talk' (the kick in the ass you wanted )


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Harley, I see you hesitate, because it's over for you, but believe and act conform the other posters advise you.

Too many posters on this forum regretted they didn't follow advice, please do, the routines are like the drill's you are familiar with. Under stress you do what you learned from your instructors, now learn and do what is told you here. 

Please


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

04Harley said:


> No I haven't. I don't really care about outing him. I'm over this relationship. If she wants him she can have him. I don't share.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Harley, you have kids with this woman. You are stuck with her and her family/friends in some respect for at least the next 10 to 20 years because of the kids. You NEED for them to know the truth because she WILL blame every single BIT of this on YOU. How will you deal with having your kids around her dad or her relatives or friends at school events, when they all think you beat her or raped her or whatever?

Just tell them the truth, ok? Just to set the record straight, so your kids don't suffer from the lies. THEN walk away from her.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I don't really care about outing him. I'm over this relationship. If she wants him she can have him. I don't share.


Do you want this man/couple around your kids? Make him think it's not worth, he will have no problems seeking elsewere.
Protect your children from this OM, make all the possible to protect them even from her mom.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should find where she is now living, her behavior and attitude say that it is with the OM. 


Find him for a couple of reasons

1. You want to know who your enemy is
2. You want to know who is going to be around your kids
3. You want to expose him and her.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

I know where she is living and its not with another man. She is staying at a friend of both of ours who I talk to everyday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

More like a family we know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Then who is she continuing to cheat with? Because her actions are those of someone actively in another sexual relationship.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

It was some random guys on vacation. I keep very close tabs on her. It's not someone here that I know of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I hunk your being fed a false bit of intel.

The swiftness and determination with which she left, and left the kids behind, say there is someone active and local. She left to be with him. 

Again, find the OM and expose your wife and him both.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

On another note I spoke with a law office in Texas (where I'm from) and because I'm active military I can file there instead of NC. Nc is a 1 year mandatory seperation state. In TX I can be done in 90 days!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

I hear you Shaggy but I'm telling you I know where is every second since I've been home. Our friends she is staying with text me when she leaves and when she returns. She has came straight here every time. And gone straight back too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

04Harley said:


> I hear you Shaggy but I'm telling you I know where is every second since I've been home. Our friends she is staying with text me when she leaves and when she returns. She has came straight here every time. And gone straight back too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She may be texting him or keeping touch some how.

If he is military, they might be trying to hide things until she is D, do he won't get charged. 


It is also possible he is deployed ?

I've seen enough of these things to know the behavior of someone who is leaving her marriage for her affair partner.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Well, I think I've read enough to come to a conclusion here. And it will be the same conclusion that just about everyone else has. 

First off, let's make one thing crystal clear; your wife screwed around on you. With you being deployed and out of the the country, the odds of her kissing a few guys and giving a HJ is about as remote as me outracing Usain Bolt while running backwards. She is definitely trickle-truthing you; months from now, she'll say that she not only gave HJs but oral and the full porn act to a few of them as well. Book it. 

Face facts, my man. Your marriage is done and there is no amount of playing the nice guy that will make her fall back in love with you. You can never compete with the guy(s) she never had to be a responsible adult with. She never had to clean their socks, take care of their kids, or experience any of their faults or flaws as opposed to you. Trying to convince her to see things your way WILL NOT WORK. And why would you want her back after all of this anyway? I know that it sucks for your kids but why should you have to suffer for her selfishness?

The only way she might value you again is by getting an attorney and having the papers dropped on her. Do not contribute a dime towards her new place; you're going to need it for the child support she'll be seeking once she hits the courtroom.

You also have to expose the guy she's involved with if he's married or has an SO at home as well as explain what is going on to your kids. Believe me, she will make you out to be the bad guy/creep/a-hole/jerk the second after she gets custody, if she isn't doing it now. If you fail to get the word out before she does, you will be the one blamed for the demise of your marriage...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You still need to tell her parents why you're divorcing her, if you end up divorcing.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

Update: Her friend told me that my wife confessed to her about having an affair with the neighbor from the 3 some. I confronted the wife and she still deny it. I found out she only stayed at the family friends house 1 night and had a motel room. I went there today just to see and seen her driving away. we stopped and talked and she said she was checking out. (saw her do that) He was not there. I found a note "i love you" in her purse signed by him. I think she has a second phone too but i cant find it. She has changed app the passwords on her accounts and the pin to her phone. I tried to access it this morning. My friend told me she was keeping notes in her calendar on the phone every time she slept with him. We went to counseling together last night but not much from her. She is telling me she wants me to be happy and I deserve someone better. I know she is involved with this married man (also a marine) but have not hard proof. Today when I caught her at the motel she said she wants a D. How do I catch them? i want to fry his ass with the military. He isnt leaving his wife but is telling mine he loves her. WTF... He lives across the street. I have to see him everyday!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hire a PI.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you told his wife yet? Do that today.


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

yes i told her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What did she do?

Remind me, have you told your wife's family/friends yet?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Wait, wait........... you've gone from knowing where she is all the time to she's banging the neighbor??? What did I miss?


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## 04Harley (Sep 13, 2012)

I have told everyone. She still wont admit it. One of our family friends who she told everything to let the cat out of the bag. When the wife found out she denied everything and called her a bold face lie. The other guys wife talked to him I know but dont know much else. She knows hes a cheat (other women too) but she stays with him anyway.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you have something to lose when you divorce her (alimony, etc.), hire a PI and get as much dirt on her as you can.

If you don't, just walk away and thank the stars you found out NOW.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest you file for D. She's willing to be the second place woman to a married cheater. She is frankly not worthy of you.

Cut her off financially, and file.

You've been played, and she using your family money to pay for hotels to shack up with the scumbag OM.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Next time you see her tell her she can have the D. Tell her you don't want some others guys trash in your life and around your kids.

You need that PI dude. If this woman was handling all the money, I bet she has plenty stached.
You want to see EVERY rent reciept she wrote, every reciept for maintaining the rentals, every deposit she made with the money.
You need a shark man. This woman thinks she is going to get the RE, alimony, kids, om, and the money she stole.
You cried, she got colder, YOU are in a war man.

AND PLZ get this POS that think he is going to be spending your money.
YOU are not a dumb person, so don't act like it. gather INTEL.
Also, forget his wife, thats her SEX group dude. She may have set the whole thing up between them.

Report him NOW. Her friend can verify your claim to the military. That will at least start an investigation.


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