# First time poster... need advice on 'The Little Things You Do'...



## bluedano (Mar 25, 2008)

Hey guys;

I just joined this forum on the advice of my wife. She told me, "You go find internet forums to fix your motorcycle, bicycle and airgun hobbies. Find one to help you with this!" And you know something? She's absolutely right. I wouldn't even think about turning a wrench without good, solid advice from a few enthusiasts who've been there before me. So here's hoping you guys can help me out.

I need to get better at doing those little things to show my wife I love her, need her and desire her. Of course flowers and a sincere note come to mind. But I am looking for literally dozens of ideas, if I can get them, for letting her know I love her. I'm just not very good at coming up with those little surprise ways of telling her I love her. And our marriage is hurting because of it. It's humbling to ask for help with something which should come naturally. But I'll admit I've been pretty lax in this regard. It's not something I can fix overnight. I feel like an idiot for suddenly trying really hard at it. But I've gotta do something. So what do you guys do when you want to surprise and delight your darlings?

Thanks. DanO


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Here are my keys to keeping my marriage strong and healthy.

1) Touch ~ I never leave the house and she never leaves without a good by kiss and hug sometimes several. When we go places together we always hold hands. When we watch tv we always snuggle and when we lay down we always cuddle.

2) Deeds ~ I make it a point to do one thing a day for my wife. A card, a note, an email, a flower, post on her myspace, a pm, cook her her favorite meal, clean up and give her a get out of jail free card for not cleaning.

3) Words ~ I always make it a point to say I love you, I never yell if we disagree and thing would be heated I ask for a break think things through and express my opinion calmy without haste words.

4) Date ~ With four kids owning my own business, her working full time and doing college you'd think that might be hard but every week we get out just the two of us to see a movie, hit the beach, sit down at a nice place to eat or where ever we like to go out to.

hope this helps 

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Ok, I fully agree with Drac above, all good solid points.

But I wish to add...

Now I see you have alot of hobbies....Does your wife share any interest in these same hobbies?

Does she have Hobbies of her own? that you may help out with?

Do you have kids? If so how many and how old? How long married? Does she work or stay at home mom (still work) and female friends she hangs out with or couples that you both hang out with?

What does your wife like to do? Ask her to write a list of places she would like to visit with in the state or close by, or even some big trips. 

Big plus is you are discussing this and neither are looking for an "out" you both see your relationship has gotten a little passive, something needs to spark it up a bit.

After our first kid was born, we did not go out on a "date" like drac said for 5 years....Finally we went out one night to a club to see a band play, we had a blast....re-energized us sort of speak, we know go out whenever we have the same weekend off and can get a baby sitter.

We went on a cruise with our kids, loved it and it was romantic, plenty of stuff for kids to do on a cruise while the parents have their own fun.

Let's do a little brain storming.... What are you both looking for?? Let's hear it, nothing is to crazy or far fetched.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Here's some specific things my husband has done for me...
puts air in my tires or oil in my car if he thinks it needs it
cleans up the kids' mess in the kitchen before I come down in the morning
makes me breakfast every saturday because he knows I cook all week
one week, he left me a card somewhere in the house every day
asks about and shows interest in my work projects
gives me a big hug and kiss before he leaves for work and as soon as he walks in the door
emails/texts/calls during the day
flowers
massages
compliments me on how I look, house decorating projects I've done, meals I've cooked (and helps with the dishes) & in general just tells me he appreciates what I do
he's very affectionate and always makes me feel like he's happy and proud to be with me
When something pops into your head...like 'wow, my wife looks good today...or good in that color' use the opportunity to say it out loud...sincerity will go miles.
Good luck


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## bluedano (Mar 25, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Ok, I fully agree with Drac above, all good solid points.
> 
> But I wish to add...
> 
> Now I see you have alot of hobbies....Does your wife share any interest in these same hobbies?


We both ride motorcycles. Only troube is, it's hard to talk when you're both on your own bikes. I know that we can get to some interesting and fun destinations by bike.



GAsoccerman said:


> Does she have Hobbies of her own? that you may help out with?


My wife in WAY into working out at the gym... 4-5 times a week. She hasn't started going this much to avoid me... in total, that is. She sought private training as a way to loose the last 30 lbs of a 2 year, 100 lb weight loss. I occassionally attend Saturday morning 'bootcamp' with her. Now that she is looking so good, I knew 'the writing was on the wall', and I'd better 'get with the program' myself. I've recently lost about 10 lbs... need to drop about another 15 and I'll be looking pretty good to.

We enjoy being active when we do get out. But I don't go to the gym with her too many times because frankly, it's kind of a 'girls club' which we both agree she needs.



GAsoccerman said:


> Do you have kids? If so how many and how old? How long married? Does she work or stay at home mom (still work) and female friends she hangs out with or couples that you both hang out with?


We don't have any of our own natural children. But my niece and mother have lived with us for a bit over two years. My wife and I (my wife more than I, I hate to admit) have been involved in my nieces life for a dozen years because my sister is dysfunctional and cannot properly care for her daughter. My niece is now 16 and nearly grown. My wife had done a splendid, and sometimes thankless job, of stepping in, taking an interest in in my niece and loving her as her own. And not many spouces would invite their mothers-in-law to live with them in their old age either.

We've been married 10 years... after co-habbitating for 5. We both work at the same company and commute together. As I said above, she likes to hang out at the gym and talk with the girls after workout. It's a small healthclub with a close knit clientel. We do hang with the adult neighbors a few times a month.



GAsoccerman said:


> What does your wife like to do? Ask her to write a list of places she would like to visit with in the state or close by, or even some big trips.


Well I know she likes to bowl. In fact, I asked her this morning on the way to work if she might skip this Friday's workout so we could go bowling. Yes, I need to find things to do other than going out and dining, as the simple act of sitting there eating just doesn't do it for her for obvious reasons.

We were sort of planning on a cruise with her sister and husband in a few months. But she's got that on hold because she is afraid we won't be getting along come that time. I will need to find the courage to ask her to commit to that... and to us.

She was also trying to adopt out our potbellied pig... admittedly just so she wouldn't have to scramble for a good home in the event we got a divorce! Yesterday I told her I would be VERY ENCOURAGED if she would please reconsider that. I'll have to ask her what she's thinking about that now. And perhaps mention that cruise.



GAsoccerman said:


> Let's do a little brain storming.... What are you both looking for?? Let's hear it, nothing is to crazy or far fetched.


We're both looking for improved intimacy. I am looking for a level of commitment to the marriage during these rough times. I know she is looking for me to be more passionate, attentive and loving. She is feeling great about herself and her new body. I feel I have taken to complimenting her. But she say's I've fallen short there. 

When she first told me that 'she loves me, but she's not in love wit me' (ouch, didn't need that cliché) I really felt like - "Thanks. After supporting you through nearly a decade of depression, anxiety and morbid obesity you're going to get in shape and leave me!" And while she says she feels a bit guilty about that, she has been asking for more passion for about the last 5 years. And I can partially agree. It's just that on and off we've had real issues which overshadowed it all. But no more. My back is against the wall, and it just feels silly attemping to accelerate from 5mph to 90 mph in the passion department right now. I feel awkward, and I need a little time. And just a few ideas I can pull out of the quiver.

Man. this forum has some seriously long posts to read and consider. I appreciate your attention and feedback.

Sincerely. DanO


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey Dano, 

OK I see a trend here....So your wife has lost 100lbs. over a course of time and is feeling sexy about herself.

I am glad you are trying to get into shape and you should pursue that as well.

Advice, I also workout and eat healthy (to a point, love buffalo wings) I lost some wait and my body has developed very nicely where I have women hitting on me now.

OK since you can not go to the same gym, well is there another gym you can become member of? Or do your own Personal training? I have a gym at work I can use for free  I bought the Book "New Rules of Lifting" and have been following that for over a year now, I love it. My wife thought about joining a gym, but instead I train her now, work out with her at home and even building my own personal gym at home to use. So we can do it together.

How about you ask her for advice? Working out advice that you want to get in shape, maybe she can be Your personal trainer, maybe you should encourage her to go for certification?

Buy healthier meals, and eat healthier together, good solid dinners and meals together, show her you want to make the effort and give her your best effort.

As for the cruise.....Book it for yourselves. Just you and your wife ONLY Find a cruise you would both enjoy.

I also recommend, finding out your wife's dress size now. Buy her some sexy dress's (not crazy now) but Victoria secrect sell's some nice dress's on line, I Often buy my wife clothes that I think she would look sexy in. Matter of fact I buy to much for her...yea weird I know, But I think My wife is smoking HOT!! 

Slap her tush (gently) when she walks by you in the house, steal a kiss, do what ever it takes for body contact. Wink at her, flirt with her. Play games with her, tease her.

I know for a fact that she probably wants you in better shape, is her personal trainer a male or female? I know after I got in better shape, I was more critical of my wife's body, just natural I suppose. I takes a long time for results and good eating habits.

I say take a heavier interest in working out and eating healthier, talk to her about getting you in shape. My goal is to be in Better shape at 40 then I was at 20. (already there) .

Also work in your other interest, Motorcycle rides to fun places.

But now that you say she has lost a 100lbs....well you need to join her in working out (not together) or face the fact you may lose her.....because other men are taking interest in her and she likes the attention she is getting now.

Love is an odd thing...you need to rekindle that spark, and she made a life changing decision (working out, eating better) you might lose her if you don't join her.

sorry if I sound cruel, but I know the animal, but it's me as opposed to my wife...I WANT her working out, I want her body more Lean.....she came to realize that after some harsh words by me. Which I was wrong to say, but.....she is hotter then ever and loves her body now....so do I.

So get there, she wants the same, while she won't say it, but she wants you in better shape....trust me.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey Dano, 

OK I see a trend here....So your wife has lost 100lbs. over a course of time and is feeling sexy about herself.

I am glad you are trying to get into shape and you should pursue that as well.

Advice, I also workout and eat healthy (to a point, love buffalo wings) I lost some wait and my body has developed very nicely where I have women hitting on me now.

OK since you can not go to the same gym, well is there another gym you can become member of? Or do your own Personal training? I have a gym at work I can use for free  I bought the Book "New Rules of Lifting" and have been following that for over a year now, I love it. My wife thought about joining a gym, but instead I train her now, work out with her at home and even building my own personal gym at home to use. So we can do it together.

How about you ask her for advice? Working out advice that you want to get in shape, maybe she can be Your personal trainer, maybe you should encourage her to go for certification?

Buy healthier meals, and eat healthier together, good solid dinners and meals together, show her you want to make the effort and give her your best effort.

As for the cruise.....Book it for yourselves. Just you and your wife ONLY Find a cruise you would both enjoy.

I also recommend, finding out your wife's dress size now. Buy her some sexy dress's (not crazy now) but Victoria secrect sell's some nice dress's on line, I Often buy my wife clothes that I think she would look sexy in. Matter of fact I buy to much for her...yea weird I know, But I think My wife is smoking HOT!! 

Slap her tush (gently) when she walks by you in the house, steal a kiss, do what ever it takes for body contact. Wink at her, flirt with her. Play games with her, tease her.

I know for a fact that she probably wants you in better shape, is her personal trainer a male or female? I know after I got in better shape, I was more critical of my wife's body, just natural I suppose. I takes a long time for results and good eating habits.

I say take a heavier interest in working out and eating healthier, talk to her about getting you in shape. My goal is to be in Better shape at 40 then I was at 20. (already there) .

Also work in your other interest, Motorcycle rides to fun places.

But now that you say she has lost a 100lbs....well you need to join her in working out (not together) or face the fact you may lose her.....because other men are taking interest in her and she likes the attention she is getting now.

Love is an odd thing...you need to rekindle that spark, and she made a life changing decision (working out, eating better) you might lose her if you don't join her.

sorry if I sound cruel, but I know the animal, but it's me as opposed to my wife...I WANT her working out, I want her body more Lean.....she came to realize that after some harsh words by me. Which I was wrong to say, but.....she is hotter then ever and loves her body now....so do I.

So get there, she wants the same, while she won't say it, but she wants you in better shape....trust me.


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## bluedano (Mar 25, 2008)

I've been riding my bike without the ipod a bit lately and thinking a lot. And I hate to admit it, but the more I ponder my marriage the better opinon I have of my wife, and the lesser opinion I have of myself. And that's depressing. I'm not a drunk or abusive man (then again, sick as it might be, some people would at least find passion in that) but I've been fairly unavailabvle emotionally for a long time. Whether I'm glad, sad, or wanton, I haven't shared my feelings with my wife nearly as much as I should.

I did send her an e-mail at work today to let her know how I'm feeling. After really stepping outside myself and taking an honest assesment, I came to the conclusion that WE don't need marriage counseling as much as I need individual therapy. 

Still; I want to thank you all for the advice encouragement. Draconis and Swedish, good ideas on immediate things to do. And GAsoccerman, thanks for sharing your own similar story. 

My wife is like a butterfly... emerging from a cocoon... a decade of debilitating anxiety, depression, gynecological complications resulting in a hysterectomy, and morbid obesity, all finally cast off. She's feeling great about life again, and I'm wallowing in my own crap? Wining about how after 10 years of hell you feel better and now your going to leave me?! 

Well your right GA. I've got to either get myself together and get with the program, or sit here and watch her go. She's lost 10 years... and she's not about to waste too much more time babysitting me. I've given her reason enough to complain about me for a while, and there's no doubt in my mind a few folks have suggensted she cut me loose and move on. If I look at things logically, I couldn't blame her myself if she did exactly that. But she does love me and would like nothing more than to rediscover the funny, witty, musical biker dude she fell in love with in the first place. To that end, I'll keep working out and eating right. I'm just under 200 now, feeling better and liking what I see in the mirror - at least while I'm lifting, then you can't tell, LOL! I'm going for the annual physical next week. At 48, the last few years of lab work and vitals have been encouraging. I have no reason not to expect similar results this time. We have to be careful how we broach the subject of depression with our the primary care, but I'll be sure to ask for a referal for a therapist. A lot depends on it.

All the best everyone. DanO


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Best of Luck Dano in your goals, I wish you the best. I joined another forum a year or two ago for weight lifting/Dieting, I found it very helpful and motivational.

I keep a on-line diary of my workouts and what I eat.

Maybe you can do the same? Also when it comes to "size" and working out, the main indicator is "get rid of the scale" use "mirror results" I lost 20lbs right away, maintained the same weight or around it But my body shape has certainly changed for the better.

I feel like crap now when I do not work out... I make the three week mark the "hump week" get past three straight weeks and you will keep going.

Work on the marriage, bust out the guitar, do some fun things.


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## juls (Apr 1, 2008)

draconis said:


> Here are my keys to keeping my marriage strong and healthy.
> 
> 1) Touch ~ I never leave the house and she never leaves without a good by kiss and hug sometimes several. When we go places together we always hold hands. When we watch tv we always snuggle and when we lay down we always cuddle.
> 
> ...



:iagree:

But would like to add..We have 4 kids also and by the time you get done at night you feel as if you have nothing left..

We can't always go out in the evening, so we have a "coffee date"...He is on his way home from work and I will meet him for coffee...We just sit an talk just the two of us..We do this at least once a week.

Forgive me if this was posted already, but something we do is knowing how busy we both are, we will just send little reminder texts.."love you whole bunches" or "love you beautiful"...things like that...makes me smile everytime I get one..:smthumbup:


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## bluedano (Mar 25, 2008)

I want to thank everyone for all the suggestins and encouragement. As I reported earlier; I sent my wife an e-mail and her responce was very encouraging. Sometimes we communicate better in writing. She was kind of blown away. And it seems whe was really needing to hear/read some of what I said. 

She's going to my physical with me tomorrow so we can talk to the Dr. about a referral for some counseling - it's an HMO thing. I am not as apprehensive now that we've had some postive talks on our own at this point. Most importantly; we're both reaching out more. She's decided that' a 2 way street, and it sure helps me feel comfortable playing catch up in the passion department.

All the best. DanO


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