# My relationship has hit rock bottom



## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

We have been fighting for the past month straight. My fiancé says that his insecurities are caused by me not changing my bad habits.

Some of the many things that are wrong with me are as follows:
I do not know how to communicate
I lose my temper easily
I yell when I am angry
I am not fair or equal with him

For the past month I have been under scrutiny and accused of being a liar over the dumbest little things, of course I get upset because my feelings are hurt. My fiancé thinks I lie about anything and everything.

Honestly, I feel like he has made the changes that I wanted from him for so long but now I feel stuck. As though I don't know where to start and every day is a battle. I cant afford going to a therapist or counselor and pay a dollar a minute for 50 minutes a week. We tried going to counseling earlier this year when he called off our wedding. I went once alone, once with him and another time he sat in the car pissed off at me, again alone.

I understand my anger sometimes is unnecessary. I'm just not sure where to begin the transition and the change. At the end of May we wanted to start trying for a child. Probably a mistake I realize this now, since he called off the wedding 5 months prior. Now he wants me back on birth control and I need to fix myself. I'm the one with all the problems.

Does anyone have any advice to help me keep my temper under control and help me be a better partner in communicating?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been dating? Engaged?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

Together for 4 years, engaged for a year and a half. Thanks for replying to my post.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Have you read the books often recommended on this site like the Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs?

I am pretty sure there is one which people recommend on anger management as well but I will need prompting there. My memory is not what it was!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How were things in the past? Has anything changed in your situation in the last month? Additional stressors?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Where do your anger issues stem from? Were your parents angry people? Did being angry become the only way things worked in your favor? Anger can be a manipulation tool. It can also be a defense mechanism. I would think getting down to the bottom of WHY you are angry would be the first step in "fixing you." (Which has NOTHING to do with the relationship.)


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

Are you saying the problem is all you because that is what you've been told? Im just concerned that you seem to want to take all the blame. Do you only have anger issues in your relationship or with other people as well. Liar is a horrible word and shouldn't be used lightly. Negative words only create a negative environment. Ask you partner to talk to you calmy without accusations first and then maybe you will be able to pinpoint your issues. It is definitely not a good idea to bring children into this right now.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I would consider putting the engagement on hold too.
Maybe a few trips to couples counseling? 
I know you said you are poor, but most organizations have sliding fee scales for people who cant afford full price.
I used to see people who were paying 5.00 for a session with me. I still got paid full price so their care was excellent.
Church pastors are often good resources too.

Now as to the behaviors you listed. Do you agree with them or are you reporting what he thinks you do?


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

Things in the past have been rough. We were going to get married in January but called it off because of 'anger' issues and the fact that i cant communicate.

i grew up with parents yelling and arguing all the time. as much as i hate to admit it, im much like my mom in the fact that maybe my anger or yelling is a manipulation. i often escalate the situation because i yell. but i also think that my partner asks questions in an accusing manner and i dont like to be accused of lying when i have done nothing wrong.

i am saying that i am the one with all the problems because thats all i hear. im being told that his insecurities are because of the fact that i havent changed. he doesnt trust me because i havent changed.

i only have 'anger' issues in my relationship with my fiance. i dont have these problems with anyone else.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Maybe your time would be better invested in anger management?

Anger is no fun to deal with and it slowly wears down everyone around you.
Maybe once you get it under control, you might see that you two arent suited for each other.

Best to know now...rather than 3 kids later.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Seems like you need to find a better match.

Finding a marital match is the purpose of dating and engagement.

Why subject yourself and him and potential children to a life like this?

If in a series of relationships you tend to have the same problem, then counseling would be warrented. But not on the basis if one.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

We went to counseling together once and i went and bought a book that was recommended to me by the therapist. i read the first 5 chapters. my partner took no initiative in reading it at all.

maybe i should go more in depth about ourselves. my partner is a bodybuilder. he only started taking college courses because i filled out all the paperwork for him. same with his taxes. he owes taxes from 8 years ago. he is only up to date with his taxes because i took the time to print off all the forms and fill out everything so he wouldnt be garnished anymore and could make a payment plan with the IRS. the first two years of our relationship i supported him financially, completely. he has been unfaithful, i consider, i found a naked picture in his phone and i shipped him back to his moms. after that he started changing his ways. as for the bodybuilding situation i support him now more than i ever have. before i was very insecure about it because he would post half naked pictures on fb just for attention. girls would comment and he would say 'i cant help what they write'. he would message alot of women and say innapropriate things. i stay home with his son, who i love very much, so he can go to the gym for hours at a time. if i get a chance to go to the gym its for an hour at 8 or 9 at night. he doesnt ever really take any initiative to do anything around the house. he calls all of my pets retards and thinks its funny to be a bully as well.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

lookingforpeace said:


> Some of the many things that are wrong with me are as follows:
> I do not know how to communicate
> I lose my temper easily
> I yell when I am angry
> I am not fair or equal with him


Forget about him. Focus on yourself for now. Work on above immediately, I will tell you right now, you can find the best person in this world and above will KILL any relationship. If you need help on above, post a new thread.

As you address above, your relationship will improve by default. THEN you can start worrying about him living up to your expectations and see if he is willing to work on his stuff.

READ: it's always best to change yourself and show your partner that you can do it. Lot of times, that motivates them to change themselves.



I will tell you something though, by doing "stuff" for him, you are enabling his neglegence even more and digging him deeper into the hole.

Rather than try fixing the person in front of you, take the approach of "accepting the person for who they are". If he doesn't want to do his taxes, sign up for school etc, accept that this is the kind of person he simply is.

Recognizing the person in front of you is IMPORTANT. 

Assume no one will EVER change. BUT if it's a deal breaker or an issue in your relationship, you should communicate that to your partner and after you do.....you sit back and watch for action.

Action = change

No action = lack of respect and care for your relationship.

Hope that helps


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why do you want to marry someone who you've described?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> So why do you want to marry someone who you've described?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP wants to marry the person she WANTS him to be, not the person in front of her.

That's what keeps this thing afloat.......and that's why I said to accept the reality, not a dream!


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

OP, I used to have serious anger issues where I would blow off the top for the littlest things. I decided to go to counseling for that, it was getting that bad.

In counseling I learned that anger is a secondary emotion, there is a primary emotion that is lingering behind that anger. In my case, I learned that when my feelings get hurt or I feel shame my anger comes full force. My counselor challenged me to do a simple exercise: when you feel anger, stop & think about you are _really_ feeling. It was extremely hard in the beginning, but it gets easier & easier as you become more & more aware of yourself.

There is a book called _The Dance of Anger_, it is very good & helped me with being more aware of my emotions.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

As someone who has been wiht someone with your anger issues for the last twenty years, I tell you'd better start working on it, or every relationship you enter will get slowly killed by this. 

I am sure he has his faults too, but you need to focus on yours. Maybe you'll need to pass on this relationship, maybe not, but anger is a killer for relationship.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

im understanding what everyone is saying, any encouraging or positive advice?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

JustTired said:


> OP, I used to have serious anger issues where I would blow off the top for the littlest things. I decided to go to counseling for that, it was getting that bad.
> 
> In counseling I learned that anger is a secondary emotion, there is a primary emotion that is lingering behind that anger. In my case, I learned that when my feelings get hurt or I feel shame my anger comes full force. My counselor challenged me to do a simple exercise: when you feel anger, stop & think about you are _really_ feeling. It was extremely hard in the beginning, but it gets easier & easier as you become more & more aware of yourself.
> 
> There is a book called _The Dance of Anger_, it is very good & helped me with being more aware of my emotions.



I just figured all of the above out myself about 2-3 years ago. While angry, pause/recognize yourself > think etc

I still struggle at times, but identifying my state of mind and dealing with it has done wonders for me


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

lookingforpeace said:


> im understanding what everyone is saying, any encouraging or positive advice?


Counsel is good for this.
The neat thing is that this IS something you can change with a little work. Plus the "work" will make the rest of your life more peaceful and enjoyable.
Anger is usually a defensive mechanism.
When people are confronted with something they dont like they either flee or fight.

I am willing to bet that a lot of your anger is a learned behavior and CAN be dealt with by therapy and some good insight.

Depending on the source of the force BEHIND the anger, it can sometime be gotten under control in a few months.

From a clinical standpoint, I have found that the majority of anger stems from people personalizing things that arent really meant for them. 
For example, somebody drives by you in a car a little too fast and too close. You say to yourself " Damn that sunova***** almost killed me!!" and you get angry because you think that person may have had it out for you.
When the reality was that you didnt see his pregnant wife in the car who was about to give birth.
So now you dont HAVE to personalize the event and say to yourself "Wow...that was close. I wonder what all the fuss is about?"

Just small changes like this can make a WORLD of difference in how you experience and how much you enjoy life.

All it takes is realizing it, then practicing reframing events.
each day it gets easier.
You WILL have to grit your teeth a little in the beginning but you will be able to feels the anger flow away from you.
Possibly the most accessible feedback there is.

Check Amazon for books on anger and browse around til you find one that you resonate with and buy that.
One of my favs is “When the Past is Present” by David Ricoh.
He’s pretty gentle, but it is a little chewy.
I think there will be better ones for you.


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