# Is there any solution to emotional abuse/drinking other than leaving?



## rrhouse

I have another thread here about my husband and I working on our reconciliation after I was unfaithful to him last year. That is a separate issue we are working out, but he is emotionally and verbally abusive- and it's mostly linked to his drinking. 

This issue began with the birth of our daughter (3yo), and has continued throughout our marriage. My infidelity was last February and another smaller incident in June of last year. I'm currently about 6 months pregnant with our second child. I have been trying my darndest to make our marriage work and support him after making the horrible decisions I made. As I said- separate issue. 

He has a habit of drinking, getting tipsy or drunk, and then criticizing me and everything I do that is not up to his standards. Basically, if it's not something he would do, it's wrong. I am enrolled in graduate school, I am a full time mother, and I spent several years of my daughters life also working at home while taking care of her. I work my a** off and in turn my husband never says thank you, instead he berates me regularly. The situation has only worsened after I cheated, which I know I deserve some anger, but he projects it onto every aspect of our life which is abusive and wrong. 

What solution is there other than to leave? We went to counseling for about a month before he decided our counselor was stupid for something she said in a session. I'm stupid for wanting to continue seeing her in IC to work on myself. I'm stupid for going to school.. the list continues. Any argument ends in "Well you cheated on me".... I'm just tired. My friends, family, and even posters here on TAM all suggest I just leave... Not sure why I'm staying but I see tiny bits of progress and don't want to give up again. I did that once when I cheated and that was a horrible decision.


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## happy as a clam

He needs to go to AA or rehab and get sober; you need to go to Al-Anon and learn how to deal with living with a drunk.

Your cheating is in NO WAY excused by him being a drunk and not meeting your needs. In fact, your affair probably drove him deeper into the bottle.

Don't muddy up the issues.

Your husband is an alcoholic. Deal with that first. Then deal with your cheating and your affair.

Accept the fact that you may not come out the other side intact as a family.

BIG issues to deal with...

Sorry you're in this situation.


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## rrhouse

happy as a clam said:


> He needs to go to AA or rehab and get sober; you need to go to Al-Anon and learn how to deal with living with a drunk.
> 
> Your cheating is in NO WAY excused by him being a drunk and not meeting your needs. In fact, your affair probably drove him deeper into the bottle.
> 
> Don't muddy up the issues.
> 
> Your husband is an alcoholic. Deal with that first. Then deal with your cheating and your affair.
> 
> Accept the fact that you may not come out the other side intact as a family.
> 
> BIG issues to deal with...
> 
> Sorry you're in this situation.


Thanks... I am not trying to excuse my cheating in any way, please see my other thread if you feel that way. I'm just creating a different thread to address the separate issue of the verbal and emotional abuse. He actually drinks less now because he's on medication that doesn't mix well, but the habit of drinking and belittling still stands. He doesn't necessarily have to be drunk to be abusive either. 

I have been allowing him to say and do much more than normal because I feel that I deserve it for what I've done. I'm just having difficulty (and feeling crazy) finding the line between what is appropriate anger as a response to my betrayal, and what is abuse. It's tough. I don't know if I can stay and just hope that things will change, or if he will always be the way he is. I quit drinking before I got pregnant, with the exception of three beers on my birthday. I don't plan on drinking again after I give birth. I plan on abstaining from drinking until I sort out my own personal issues that led me to cheat- and I feel that is how I am taking responsibility for my own mistakes, in addition to being supportive of him when he is feeling angry/upset/hurt and being completely transparent with him. My friends and family thinks I'm crazy for allowing this to continue and just taking the beatings (not physically), but I have this optimistic notion that eventually it'll improve. I plan on continuing IC and will look into Al-Anon. Thank you for the advice.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening
If he is not willing to stop drinking and stop being abusive, you should leave. 

Your being unfaithful isn't relevant, except that it may be another indication that you are unhappy and should leave.


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## 3Xnocharm

rrhouse said:


> Thanks... I am not trying to excuse my cheating in any way, please see my other thread if you feel that way. I'm just creating a different thread to address the separate issue of the verbal and emotional abuse. He actually drinks less now because he's on medication that doesn't mix well, but the habit of drinking and belittling still stands. He doesn't necessarily have to be drunk to be abusive either.
> 
> I have been allowing him to say and do much more than normal because I feel that I deserve it for what I've done. I'm just having difficulty (and feeling crazy) finding the line between what is appropriate anger as a response to my betrayal, and what is abuse. It's tough. I don't know if I can stay and just hope that things will change, or if he will always be the way he is. I quit drinking before I got pregnant, with the exception of three beers on my birthday. I don't plan on drinking again after I give birth. I plan on abstaining from drinking until I sort out my own personal issues that led me to cheat- and I feel that is how I am taking responsibility for my own mistakes, in addition to being supportive of him when he is feeling angry/upset/hurt and being completely transparent with him. My friends and family thinks I'm crazy for allowing this to continue and just taking the beatings (not physically), but I have this optimistic notion that eventually it'll improve. I plan on continuing IC and will look into Al-Anon. Thank you for the advice.


Wow, what a bad time to be bringing another child into this mess. I agree with you getting to Al Anon. If he isnt going to stop drinking, then you are going to need to leave. He is abusing you, punishing you for what you have done. It sounds like you have been trying to do the work to fix things after your affair, and he isnt going to let it happen. He is not committed to reconciliation, and may never truly be, even if he were to stop drinking. Either he gets help, or you get out.


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## Navy3

Hi, I never believed I would leave my abusive H. I tried so hard to get him to get help - which he resented, saying I was blackmailing him to attend a abuser program.

Women's Aid, UK run The Freedom Program. That helped me. A book suggested called Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling me by Lundy Bancroft is a must read for you. The same author did another book I think called, Should I stay or should I go? Helped me.

The alcohol is a problem. It does NOT cause his abuse, he uses it as a excuse for his behavior. He has 2 issues. A abuse problem AND a alcohol problem.

Be careful if you put a boundary in, you must be prepared to exercise it. Abuse escalates. Being pregnant makes a woman more vulnerable.
You should have a Go bag, copies of keys, medications, spare clothes, details of banking etc. Hide it or leave with a trusted friend.
Ring a helpline. The affair does not entitle him to abuse you. Alanon would help you. Keep safe x


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## Kurious

Simple as what others said, if he won't change then you need to leave. I was verbally abusive to my wife when drinking but i never felt that way when sober. She gave me an ultimatum and I stopped drinking in 2013 to stay with her.

Does he feel those same feelings when he is sober? If so he just doesn't care about you and you need not waste your time. No matter what history you have together.


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## DoF

He is using Alcohol to minimize the pain you have caused.....it seems.

Regardless, that's not a proper way of dealing with it. He needs to make a decision, leave or stay and go with it.

I would put the hammer down. Drinking /Emotional abuse has to stop NOW or you are out.

What he does to address his issue....is his business,just be ready to leave.


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## Tirasleen

This is so sad. You both need help. Infidelity does not warrant any type of abuse. No matter what, do not have a drunk as the father of your children in your home. Protecting them is your only job right. Time to go until you both get help.


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