# How to control triggers



## Big10

How does a man control triggers from his wife's affair 10 years ago. I trigger about 1 time a year from my wife's affair. I had thought I would not have one this year but I ran across her affair partner while out doing errands. We have been through years of PC and MC. At this time we are more in love than we have ever been in our relationship. We are like teenagers again when teens are in that 1st relationship. We are older and wiser. We have not rug swept the affair we talk about it and ways we can prevent them in the future. With counceling my wife has realized her problems come from being abused and deserted by her father. I don't want anyone to bash her, she has put in a great amount of work to fix her problems and our marriage. We are open to ideas and other stories on how you are able to cope with seasonal triggers.


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## sandcastle

I already told you-

You will trigger till the day you die.

And I also told you to-

Buckle Up.


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## Big10

sandcastle said:


> I already told you-
> 
> You will trigger till the day you die.
> 
> And I also told you to-
> 
> Buckle Up.


That offers nothing for me, as I told you in the last post it did help me forget my last trigger, when just last night she said pull it out and cum all over my tits.


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## Big10

Sorry for the rude comment but most people on here have nothing but negative advice.


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## Yeswecan

I do not believe there is a sure fire way to not trigger other then time. Obviously not having to see old emails, texts or a picture pop up(like something on Fookbook). I think it is always in there just below the surface. One just hopes not to disturb the surface. 

My ordeal was over 30 years ago. I do not have triggers and have been free of them for a long time. However, the individual involved I have not had any contact with for those 25 years (but once). You are obviously interacting with your W daily. 

One day I hope you wake and say to yourself the effort was worth it. I think that will happen for you.


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## Big10

I know at first I was triggered every hour to once a day to once and week to now once a year. I think for me they get less and less because my wife answers my questions as to why she did it. We have been together 20 years but only 37 and 38 years old. When I was in my 20s the thought of her having sex with someone else haunted me. as we grew older and the sex became better and better in our relationship it no longer bothers me. I am more triggered now from the thought of my family being turned upside down. I know I soon will get pasted that also


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## Yeswecan

From your posts your W appears very invested in you and the family. That is a good thing. Do you have kids still living at home?


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## Rhubarb

Big10 said:


> How does a man control triggers from his wife's affair 10 years ago.


If you want something extreme you can try this. Setup your wife. Give her a chance to cheat on you again. Hire some good looking guy to play the OM. Someone you know she will take a liking to. Then tell her you had a run of bad luck and you have to cut way back on the spending and may even have to sell the house. Sell the fancy car (or garage it somewhere) and buy a used beater. You get the idea. At that point she will either stick with you or ........ well .... at least you will know. If she passes the test then maybe you will be assured she's yours from here on out. 

On second thought it's totally crazy :grin2:


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## Bonkers

Big10 said:


> Sorry for the rude comment but most people on here have nothing but negative advice.


Dude there ARE no answers. Think of how you'd feel if you ran into the affair partner- but you had left her 10 years ago. You might have had a fleeting thought about it- "oh there's the guy that cheated with my ex" and that would have been the end of it.

She cheated on you, 10 years later you're still triggering and nothing on the face of this planet will change that.

It's the price you pay for choosing to stay with her. Even when she says "pull out and shoot all over me" the moment is spoiled because of the thoughts that cross your mind. Is it worth it?


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## Big10

Bonkers said:


> Dude there ARE no answers. Think of how you'd feel if you ran into the affair partner- but you had left her 10 years ago. You might have had a fleeting thought about it- "oh there's the guy that cheated with my ex" and that would have been the end of it.
> 
> She cheated on you, 10 years later you're still triggering and nothing on the face of this planet will change that.
> 
> It's the price you pay for choosing to stay with her. Even when she says "pull out and shoot all over me" the moment is spoiled because of the thoughts that cross your mind. Is it worth it?


Family is important to me we had 3 very small children at the time. I think I would have punched him in that situation.


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## Big10

Bonkers said:


> Dude there ARE no answers. Think of how you'd feel if you ran into the affair partner- but you had left her 10 years ago. You might have had a fleeting thought about it- "oh there's the guy that cheated with my ex" and that would have been the end of it.
> 
> She cheated on you, 10 years later you're still triggering and nothing on the face of this planet will change that.
> 
> It's the price you pay for choosing to stay with her. Even when she says "pull out and shoot all over me" the moment is spoiled because of the thoughts that cross your mind. Is it worth it?


Actually I'm over the part of thinking is it worth it. Hell yeah it was worth staying. When I saw the guy I got a feeling of my wife about lost our family over this sack of $&@$


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## Big10

My wife was sexually and physically abused by her father. I'm almost certain if she would not have had the affair and us not went through MC & PC her life would have spiraled out of control. Our sex life and communication was obsolete before the affair


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## anchorwatch

Big10 said:


> Sorry for the rude comment but most people on here have nothing but negative advice.


Not everyone... 

Here.. Emotional Memory Management: Dealing with Triggers When Recovering from Infidelity

Best


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## wilson

There are ways to deal with irrational fears and things like PTSD. It sounds like you are dealing with something similar. 

With fears like spiders, they repeatedly expose you to the trigger in safe ways until your brain gets used to it. 

Have you talked with a psychologist about this? I would think this kind of thing is something they come across frequently, even if it's not for an affair.


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## Big10

Thanks, this is advice.
No name calling or trying to convince me my wife a worthless person


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## StillSearching

Big10 said:


> My wife was sexually and physically abused by her father. I'm almost certain if she would not have had the affair and us not went through MC & PC her life would have spiraled out of control. Our sex life and communication was obsolete before the affair


You and I have lived through and understand these things quite well.
I still have triggers. I have to pass the hotel everyday on the way home.
I wish you the best.


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## Marc878

Only time will help dissipate it. Except Maybe her other man getting hit by a truck.


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## ConanHub

I don't know. I think it comes down to wiring.

It obviously hit you at your core. It would not affect me that way but I had my core shaken almost two years ago and I am not ever going to be the same.

I still trigger and it is something that is just coped with.

I try and exert myself in positive directions and be as healthy as I can be.

Vigorous exercise is like medicine my friend. It burns a lot of negativity out of your system.

Is there anyway to pay back the OM a little?

I'm intimidating when angry. I would probably make life very uncomfortable for him until he left.

Different strokes. I'm a savage and probably wouldn't have stayed with a cheater anyway but I do understand about triggers.

Anything that puts you in positive control will help you.


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## WilliamM

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## ConanHub

LOL! @WilliamM


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## Bonkers

WilliamM said:


> Don’t ever do what I do. My life has been too crazy.


 @WilliamM

I've never faced infidelity but I've read and heard about tons of it.

To me there is no way to effectively reconcile with a cheater but if you're dead set on doing so, it would appear the BEST way is to have a revenge affair to make it even. 

I don't see a problem with what you did.


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## Bananapeel

Big10 said:


> Thanks, this is advice.
> No name calling or trying to convince me my wife a worthless person


The triggers aren't about your wife...they are about you holding onto the hurt and letting the pain come back to the surface. Probably there is some reason you are choosing to hold on. Maybe the emotion is a powerful reminder to not take things for granted so that you insure they don't happen again. Maybe instead of trying to get rid of the triggers you can try to find a positive behind them so they don't negatively affect you so much? Remember, you can't control everything that happens to you in life but you can control how you respond to it.


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## WilliamM

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## Bonkers

WilliamM said:


> I do monitor her all the time, and some people think that’s no way to live, but I never really believed in blind faith anyway.


There's a difference between not believing in blind faith and having a complete lack of trust in your committed lifelong relationship partner to the point that you are constantly watching their every move. 

Hey, you're good with the tradeoff, complete and utter subservience and she acquiesces to your every whim, in exchange for you never being able to trust her not to cheat on you. 

I think if it was me I wouldn't mind living like that for a while, have some fun with my new found sex slave and all that goes with it including nightly BJs with messy facials, but I wouldn't make it the rest of my natural life.


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## WilliamM

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## Bonkers

WilliamM said:


> A few months back I absentmindedly asked if she put gas in the car while she was out shopping. Just a slip of the tongue. She froze. I could see the shocked “deer in the headlights” look in her eyes. She started crying. She wanted to answer, but she couldn’t. I quickly told her to ignore the question, and I held her and kissed her tears away.
> 
> And let her make it up to me. You know, the sex slave thing.
> 
> She wants to tell me the truth. But something goes wrong between her desire to just say the truth and what she actually says. She does not talk much at all. But hey, she takes my shoes off every night and massages my feet before crawling into my lap to make out.


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## WilliamM

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## Bonkers

WilliamM said:


> She even started adding in a curtsy when she handed me things. She knows I feel that’s not appropriate in public, but she was pretty upset.
> 
> We actually have not been invited to another family gathering since then.


I'm starting to understand why, especially from your post on the other thread where you describe actions that are clearly physical abuse. 

The whole "slave for a day" thing is cute but when people start getting hurt it's not a game anymore. 

It's violence. You really need to think about what you're doing to this woman, it's not only downright nasty, it's illegal.


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## WilliamM

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