# 'Til death do you part



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Something that has always bothered me is in the vows it says "'til death do you part." does that bother anyone else??? its like an eminent divorce looming in the shadows. what in the world is the point of going through all this if its just over at the end. i mean, my H could die tomorrow and its just over. just like that. I know, i know some people say its not over, that you'll be together after death, but really ya cant just make up your own rules. You really cant just say, well i want it so it'll be that way. There are rules one follows in life, even if they are frustrating as hell, there are rules that govern our existence. Not to mention, space is a pretty big place. How would you ever know where to find this person? If you were even permitted to look. I dont think one just get to decide that they'll be together after they die just because they wish it to be so. It says "til death do you part." So as far as i can tell the rule that governs marriage after death is that you part. 

if i go through all this, make it work, how sad is that to think that its just over when i die. Or you know, it could even be over tomorrow. but there is nothing that would make me think otherwise. it really bothers me.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> if i go through all this, make it work


Blanca! What if making it work is part of the fun? If you could just change down a gear or two, it might be fun 

As for the rest of your post - yes - we make up all sorts of ideas about life and the hereafter, but not a lot of people I know have come back to confirm any of them!

Has this thought just suddenly struck you? Because I'm telling you, you've found the truth. It's not as bad as you think though...


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Blanca, I go along with the death do us part but I'm Buddhist so the heavenly afterlife things doesn't work for me. 

My beliefs are based on cause & effect. Once you make a cause, the effect becomes a part of your life. When that effect is manifest, it's called the effect. Until it's manifest it's called karma (think of that as uncollected effects). 

There are many "levels" of karma (personal, familial, social, national, worldly). If you are together now, it's because your and his karma (and in the familial sense, too) brought you together. 

So, you are together because of a relationship from a past life. So too will the next bring you together as well. 

Now, think of friends you've had over the years. Sometimes you're close, sometimes you lose track of each other for a while. Maybe even losing contact for good. 

As your life goes from day to day, so too does it go from lifetime to lifetime. You will drift apart, at other times getting closer to each other again. It is not, however, eternal. 

So, the only thing that death does is strip away the "worldly goods" stuff. If you're together now, next lifetime there's a good chance you'll be together again. 

Marriage is a man made concept. Living together is (the effect of) karma (built up) from over many lifetimes. 

So the "death do us part" is metaphorically saying what I just said. You won't really part at death except for a minor physical disassociation and the pain or anguish of living without your partner. Until the next lifetime when you get to experience it all anew. 

I have 2 brothers that died before me (I'm the oldest). As well as my mother. Do I miss them? Yes. Do I grieve for them? No. I believe that we will all be back together in my (their) next lifetime. The only difference, though, is that I won't be the oldest!  

So, you lose your "stuff" upon death but not the connection that brought you together in this life. In that sense death does not "us part". 

Does that make sense? Does that help?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

After my grandfather died, a man was persuing my grandmother to date. He waited for years and she still turned him down, I asked her why and she said she still felt married and I told her
UNTIL DEATH DO YOU PART, YOUR NO LONGER MARRIED
but she never went for it...

I guess she felt she was cheating on dead husband to see this man, who he was in love with her all his life.
Was sad... he persued, she rejected him... and these were people close to 80 !
my story illistrates "until death do you part" and that some, even with death...
still see themselves as married.

On another side, a girl I went to high school with married at 18, husband ( also 18) was killed a year later in a freak accident...
she was preg by another mans and had his baby after husband died... and she collected SS pretending dead husband was father of that child... all the while claiming she was a christian, till death did they part, but if he wouldn't have died so freakishly ( his head was crushed, ugh) 
they would have broken up I'm sure...
it still to this day freaks me out how he died and the situation as it was with her baby.
She is an evil person. He was barley cold in the grave and got preg YET AGAIN by another man !!!!
she did this a few times, none of her kids have the same father.
She collected a major lawsuit with first husband, millions upon millions and is and has been a big snobby lair ever since.
She should never have collected tax dollars for SS on the kid, so she is a user too... a rich user. She is realllllly something this woman. Thinks she's all that and a bag of chips...
( I still know her but never have liked her much since that freak death and the events that followed)

My point is- to some they are very serious about it and to others, it means nothing.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

my father passed away almost 2 rs ago. my mother has absolutely no urge to date (she's been asked out). in her heart, she's still married. in a few more yrs, maybe she'll have a different view. i don't know, but i'm not gonna pressure her


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

After my grandfather died and a few years passed, and Gmother would not go out with this man... I asked her if she wanted to look online for a date.. she said ok and when we did.. GUESS WHAT WE FOUND ????

there are no old men to date at 80 ! hahaha
she said " I guess they're all dead" !!!
hahaha
she wouldnt have done it and dated, but she was curious to look and I learned by 80 most men are dead !


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

Crim,

Makes perfect sense and explains my marriage very very well posted.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

With my husbands dietary preferences I will be a widow soon...
with survivor benefits. I plan to not focus on dating BUT TRAVEL.

I tell him that too.

lol


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Has this thought just suddenly struck you? Because I'm telling you, you've found the truth. It's not as bad as you think though...


No, actually Ive thought about this for a long time. Of course while there was trouble in the marriage I pretty much didnt care anymore...lol...but you know we're doing better now so I think about it all the time. what do you mean I've found the truth?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

dcrim said:


> Blanca, I go along with the death do us part but I'm Buddhist so the heavenly afterlife things doesn't work for me.


It makes a lot of sense thank you for sharing. I know a lot about Buddhist faith. I studied it for awhile and even went to the temples a couple times. It is a very fascinating point of view, one I have not entirely given up on. I find it frustrating though, because karma does not entitle one to possessions, even of the interpersonal kind and so, like you said, there is no guarantee I will ever see my H again. That is just a really sad thought to me. I mean I know there is a chance but its not really the same since we'd be starting all over again anyway. 

And you know even though i find it a very interesting point of view, I do not think it is one i could embrace entirely. I think it is just one that i find interesting and I mainly believe in mainstream christianity.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wonder said:


> my father passed away almost 2 rs ago. my mother has absolutely no urge to date (she's been asked out). in her heart, she's still married. in a few more yrs, maybe she'll have a different view. i don't know, but i'm not gonna pressure her


that is very sweet. my mom also considers herself still married, even after being windowed over ten years ago. 

I dont think i could date after my H died. well, depending on if we're fighting when he goes. :rofl: but as it stand right now, i just think that even though my head tells me its over I dont know if my heart would agree.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I presumed the marriage is over when one partner dies. I think I would be a happy widow, and start dating as soon as possible. I may politely wait a sufficent mourning period to show respect for my kids' father.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Blanca said:


> Something that has always bothered me is in the vows it says "'til death do you part." does that bother anyone else??? its like an eminent divorce looming in the shadows. what in the world is the point of going through all this if its just over at the end. i mean, my H could die tomorrow and its just over. just like that. I know, i know some people say its not over, that you'll be together after death, but really ya cant just make up your own rules. You really cant just say, well i want it so it'll be that way. There are rules one follows in life, even if they are frustrating as hell, there are rules that govern our existence. Not to mention, space is a pretty big place. How would you ever know where to find this person? If you were even permitted to look. I dont think one just get to decide that they'll be together after they die just because they wish it to be so. It says "til death do you part." So as far as i can tell the rule that governs marriage after death is that you part.
> 
> if i go through all this, make it work, how sad is that to think that its just over when i die. Or you know, it could even be over tomorrow. but there is nothing that would make me think otherwise. it really bothers me.


we substituted "for now and all eternity."


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I think if wife and I both make into old age, when we pass i'd like a new partner. I mean i'm just saying! ha ha....


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Martino, one with Parkinsons?  And maybe alzheimers? Different day, different strokes... Ok, sorry people, couldn't help that one...


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

huh???


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> we substituted "for now and all eternity."


really. so what religions allow one to do that? i think all state ceremonies allocate 'until deal do you part.'


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Blanca,

I think your points are very interesting, thought provoking. 

I guess for me, when I get to wondering what the meaning of it all is, what are we here for anyway? Why do we live, then die? Why do we struggle every day, only to have it all end, in the end?

I have lots of questions too. But, for me, when I wonder why, why am I here, and why do I exsist, which begs the question you asked also, what is the point of trying so hard at your marriage if it will all be over someday.

I just know I'm here, and alive, for no other reason than God's good pleasure. I asked this lady I worked with once, before I had my daughter... I said " why do you suppose we are here? what is the point?"

And she just looked at me and said, "for God's good pleasure"

I just smiled and said.. oh... I mean, I've always been a believer, but I'd never quite heard anyone put it like that. 

And so, when I think , damn, why the heck am I even here? Why all the pain, and sorrow. Why all the happy times too? Why bother at all? What are any of us here for? 

And the answer for me is, nothing other than God gets such joy out of just watching us grow, live, and when we're done, we gets to have us back, with him... I'd be pretty happy if I were God. 

But, this is only my perspective, from a believers standpoint. I don't really even question why anymore, I just smile and thank God that I'm even here.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Blanca said:


> really. so what religions allow one to do that? i think all state ceremonies allocate 'until deal do you part.'


did it in a courthouse ceremony, judge did the ceremony, in idaho.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> did it in a courthouse ceremony, judge did the ceremony, in idaho.


really i had no idea that was even an option. it wasnt a religious ceremony or anything? and, if you dont mind my asking, do you believe it is for eternity?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Blanca said:


> really i had no idea that was even an option. it wasnt a religious ceremony or anything? and, if you dont mind my asking, do you believe it is for eternity?


i believe the vows were witnessed by God...and He believes it is for eternity.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

marina72 said:


> I just know I'm here, and alive, for no other reason than God's good pleasure. I asked this lady I worked with once, before I had my daughter... I said " why do you suppose we are here? what is the point?"
> 
> And she just looked at me and said, "for God's good pleasure"


Yes i do know what you mean. I used to be rendered useless with my obsession of "what's the purpose." I have since, thankfully, realized that the very question was useless and all the energy it drained from me was desultory. 

Thankfully, i merely wonder about this and do not obsess about it. What is going to happen will happen, and if it truly is death do you part, i'll accept it. but if there's any other options on the table I'd at least like to be able to consider them.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I too married in a judge's chambers. We separated and divorced 20 years later. 

Doesn't matter where you do it. It's all recorded by the county clerk anyway. The preacher or judge is merely the "official" witness for the ceremony. The one who asks you "do you take this..." question.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Blanca said:


> Something that has always bothered me is in the vows it says "'til death do you part." does that bother anyone else??? its like an eminent divorce looming in the shadows. what in the world is the point of going through all this if its just over at the end. i mean, my H could die tomorrow and its just over. just like that. I know, i know some people say its not over, that you'll be together after death, but really ya cant just make up your own rules. You really cant just say, well i want it so it'll be that way. There are rules one follows in life, even if they are frustrating as hell, there are rules that govern our existence. Not to mention, space is a pretty big place. How would you ever know where to find this person? If you were even permitted to look. I dont think one just get to decide that they'll be together after they die just because they wish it to be so. It says "til death do you part." So as far as i can tell the rule that governs marriage after death is that you part.
> 
> if i go through all this, make it work, how sad is that to think that its just over when i die. Or you know, it could even be over tomorrow. but there is nothing that would make me think otherwise. it really bothers me.


Blanca you always make such interesting posts 
Heres the thing... 
if you marry the right guy and he dies, it's far from over....
Some women will tell you life just begins. lol


Marriage has many legal and financial aspects, that are most favorable IF YOU MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON !
You need to keep in mind the realities of life and reality and most people, no matter how rich, famous or beautiful don't marry the person of their dreams...
marriage is not about fairy tales, its about partnership and being part of a team that works to accomplish whatever the goals you have are. It's not about feeling lusty feelings for someone and living in dream world. I think most people are mislead about what marriage is all about... as there are so many people very disillusioned about what to expect from it, hence so much divorce ( unrealistic expectations)

The rules that govern most healthy marriages are RESPECT, not love in the sense people think of love as a feeling or emotional utopia. Marriage is about commitment, partnership and respect.. and accomplishing certain lifes goals be it to have children or retire early... similair VALUES matter...
far far more than similair interests. There should be many similiar lifestyle goals for a happy marriage as well as the other things mentioned...
and people should hold out and marry the right person instead of the stupid reasons people marry.
There is far more than till death do you part. The rule of until death do you part is also a legal aspect of marriage, so you can have certain rights of protection under the marriage. Things that if you married the wrong person would not be there, be absent.

You have to marry the right person who is marriage worthy OR STAY SINGLE. At least if you stay single, there is hope to find someone right for you. If you marry someone and he's not the right person, then you have problems !

excuse my typos, tired.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

preso said:


> The rules that govern most healthy marriages are RESPECT, not love in the sense people think of love as a feeling or emotional utopia.


oh yes i know just what you mean. i was having this very discussion with my sister the other night. she is still very much hung up on the concept of 'hollywood infatuation' and thinks its love. I have since been relieved of this illusion, however unpleasently, and do realize that it is about a friendly repsect. It is extremely different then i thought, but good at the same time. 



preso said:


> There is far more than till death do you part. The rule of until death do you part is also a legal aspect of marriage, so you can have certain rights of protection under the marriage. Things that if you married the wrong person would not be there, be absent.


yes sometimes i do need to be grounded, and so i appreciate your comments. I have a tendency to get my head in the clouds. but, does it not bother you that it is 'til death do you part'? does it not bother you that in an instant it could all be over?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> . what do you mean I've found the truth?


The fact that we can't know anything for sure in this life. The big questions may never be answered.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Blanca said:


> oh yes i know just what you mean. i was having this very discussion with my sister the other night. she is still very much hung up on the concept of 'hollywood infatuation' and thinks its love. I have since been relieved of this illusion, however unpleasently, and do realize that it is about a friendly repsect. It is extremely different then i thought, but good at the same time.
> 
> 
> 
> yes sometimes i do need to be grounded, and so i appreciate your comments. I have a tendency to get my head in the clouds. but, does it not bother you that it is 'til death do you part'? does it not bother you that in an instant it could all be over?



no sweetheart, I don't worry about that.
I worry more if my toenail polish matches my shoes :lol:
till death do you part does not scare me...

maybe it has to do with age because you know I'm 50 and not 25, like some of you are and
I don't plan to live to be 100 or anything.

If I die before him, no worries because dead people don't worry...if he dies before me, I'll be taken care of as much
as he could do...
I would worry more about losing my connection and relationship with God than my husband dying. Now that would scare me because when I died, where would I go ?
I've been so very good you know and looking forword to a nice afterlife 
haha


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

This reminds me of a good one I got on my wife once...


We were having a serious conversation about what either of us would do if the other died.

We were talking about what the widow/widower would do with the kids, if we'd ever date again, etc.

My wife said "I'd eventually date and maybe get married again, so the boys would have a man in their life"

I then asked her "How long do you think you'd wait before you dated?"

She replied "Oh, at least a year or two, how about you?"

I promptly said "Shoot, I'd bring a date to the funeral!"


She didn't find it very funny at the time, but she gets a good kick out of it now years later .


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