# please help, considering divorce



## lovei (May 12, 2012)

I've been married for a short while and i know my Husband loves me. We have had our ups and downs but being christian divorce was never an option unless for physical abuse and infidelity.

I borrowed my husbands phone (which is always password protected, he would never give me the password to his phone) and found a message between him and a girl. I confronted him about it and he states he was acting as a mediator with her and his friend and was sending messages from his friend to her and she was telling him but she had told him i.e. he was not involved :scratchhead:

I dont know what to do. I want to divorce but i'm worried about ending my marriage, the embarrassment, dealing with people asking questions, our families who love us both, people feel we are the perfect couple and have been inspired to get married because of us, finding somewhere to live in a SUPER expense city and most importantly divorcing when God is against divorce. But ive always said i would never stay after infidelity. He vehemently denies cheating/talking to this girl in the way i perceive the conversation.

Any help will be so much appreciated as i have nooo one to talk to.


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## BigdadG (May 6, 2012)

I think you two should try marriage counseling and insist on 
"no secrets " ( i.e., transparency ) before you even consider giving up on your marriage , unless you two don't love each other...


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

He's lying. Mediator? Whatever... Tell him give you passwords to everything he has or he can move out.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

lovei said:


> divorce was never an option unless for physical abuse and infidelity.......But ive always said i would never stay after infidelity.


You set a standard but now faced with the reality, you don't know what to do? In just one paragraph, you gave yourself 9 different excuses not to live up to your own standard. Why say it to just throw it out the window when the time came? The standards you set in your life are meant to guide you through the times that call for standards. Otherwise, you will go through life allowing anything and everything to happen to you - allowing your husband to treat you however he pleases. Read some of these forums from women complaining about "my husband hits me and cheated on me 6 times, and I don't know what to do about him hitting me and he's cheating on me again." It's okay not to have any standards if it doesn't matter how badly your husband treats you and you're willing to put up with everything. It's okay to ignore the standards you thought you had if you want the circles of cycles to continuously repeat.

You have to leave. By not leaving, you tell yourself and your husband that what you say means nothing - that you have no standards at all in actuality, and he can get away with whatever. "I said I would leave, but not this time, and not the next time either." or "I said I would leave, but I didn't mean it." or "I said I would leave, but I was just saying something because it sounded good to make myself think I was a principled person." or "I said I would leave, but I only wanted to make you think I had standards, but really you can be unfaithful to me as often as you like."

What you're finding is how difficult it is to remain true to yourself. It's easy to make the hard decisions when you're not faced with any hard decisions to make. And such is life.

You thought this would never happen to you. Now that it has happened, this is the time to put your words into action and let your standards guide you through the emotional turmoil. That means you cannot let this brush past without your full attention. Tell him your marriage depends on the two of you attending marriage counseling, and stick to your guns no matter how hard he protests. He will keep on lying and trying to convince you there is no need. He will refuse to attend counseling because he hasn't done anything wrong since agreeing to go will prove his denials were unconvincing. When he sees you packing and making other living arrangements, he will come around. He'll still continue to deny any wrong doing and make it seem like you forced him to agree without reason. But at least he will agree. If he never agrees, you have no choice but to walk out the door.

Incidentally, you can rent a room if it's all you can afford. Lots of women in your same shoes are looking for someone to share living expenses.


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