# One of those days.



## kitkateybug (Jun 9, 2012)

Every three months or so dh and I have a fight about our finances, it's always the same. Starts small, about an hour of high tempers and raised voices, a little bit of silent treatment that evening and the next day and then we have our apologies when he gets home from work. Maybe someone can offer advice since I found this site this weekend. I think this time it was my *****ing about our master card balance that started it, I believe it to be a valid and necessary topic. And I can understand that he thought I could have been bringing it up too much but I don't know how else we're supposed to resolve this. Do you? 

I'm the CFO of the house and I have been for six years, even before we were married when we lived together. We have good credit, I'm doing a good job. I like doing it but I've never asked him if he wants to. I can only assume he doesn't, but would it benefit us if I at least asked? He has access to our bank accounts including separate mortgage, credit, utility accounts, and everything else I use. I don't know if he looks at them though, but I don't think he does. 

My question to you is do you think it would benefit us at all if I encouraged him to take a look at them, though still allow me to take care of the bills? I never ask him not to, but I've never asked him to either. He knows where he can find all the login information. We get lots of bills online and lots through the mail, and he has access to the email address the bills come to and I never stop him from looking at the others in print. I've probably asked him if he's interested in looking at them before I mail them off, but that would have been over a year ago and I probably didn't encourage it. Do you think it would help our relationship if he saw them? We saw a marriage counselor for three sessions before we decided she wasn't worth the money, finances never came up in our meetings. I've never asked anyone about money before, I thank you for any advice you have to offer.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

What was the fight about?

Your proposed solution is about giving him more access to the info, but is that what the fight was about? If it was about him spending too much, that's probably not going to address the issue.


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## kitkateybug (Jun 9, 2012)

Sorry I forgot that part. Access of information never comes up in our fights. It's always about how we're in debt, it sucks, you've done this enough already, I wish I could do that, we gotta stop this and that if we're ever going to get better. Honestly I don't know how him looking at our info would help at all and I don't think he cares anyway, but something has to change if we're ever going to stop these fights. I'm hoping to find some ideas. Thanks.


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Put pride aside and ask him to look at things and see if he sees something that maybe you have overlooked in how to manage the finances. If he does and does a suggestion, you are obligated to not get defensive because its his right to look, ask, etc.

Other than that, you guys need to come up with a plan to consolidate, pay off bills so there is more money. Do you work?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You should read Dave Ramsey.... about how to get out of debt, and how to get rid of the credit cards. 

I read in your other post that you use credit cards for groceries and "errands".... and only pay minimum balance. So all you are doing is digging yourselves a deeper hole. Dave Ramsey teaches you how to get out of the hole. 

Of course, the biggest thing he says is... you need to stop using the credit cards and make more income so that you can pay down the debt you already have. 

I think YOU have GOT to get a job. Even if it's McDonalds type stuff.... you could use your income for groceries and errands, and not get deeper and deeper in debt. Nothing will change if you don't take steps to make the changes!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kit,
It seems you feel your responsibility as "CFO" begins and ends with pointing out that there "isn't enough money". 

The way this sounds to me is you are really telling him: "You don't make enough money for us to live the way I WANT to live, which includes having enough to do more stuff AND have more savings." 

I haven't heard you mention what you are DOING to help cut costs OR generate income through your OWN efforts. 

It is nice that you pay the bills, but lets not equate pushing buttons on a computer with working 6 days a week at a physical job. 

It sounds like your role in this is primarily "whipping the horse" hoping you can make it run faster. Not saying you yell at him or are abusive. Instead it is a "I am unhappy" with our financial situation conversation during which you completely skip over what YOU could do to make it better. 






kitkateybug said:


> Every three months or so dh and I have a fight about our finances, it's always the same. Starts small, about an hour of high tempers and raised voices, a little bit of silent treatment that evening and the next day and then we have our apologies when he gets home from work. Maybe someone can offer advice since I found this site this weekend. I think this time it was my *****ing about our master card balance that started it, I believe it to be a valid and necessary topic. And I can understand that he thought I could have been bringing it up too much but I don't know how else we're supposed to resolve this. Do you?
> 
> I'm the CFO of the house and I have been for six years, even before we were married when we lived together. We have good credit, I'm doing a good job. I like doing it but I've never asked him if he wants to. I can only assume he doesn't, but would it benefit us if I at least asked? He has access to our bank accounts including separate mortgage, credit, utility accounts, and everything else I use. I don't know if he looks at them though, but I don't think he does.
> 
> My question to you is do you think it would benefit us at all if I encouraged him to take a look at them, though still allow me to take care of the bills? I never ask him not to, but I've never asked him to either. He knows where he can find all the login information. We get lots of bills online and lots through the mail, and he has access to the email address the bills come to and I never stop him from looking at the others in print. I've probably asked him if he's interested in looking at them before I mail them off, but that would have been over a year ago and I probably didn't encourage it. Do you think it would help our relationship if he saw them? We saw a marriage counselor for three sessions before we decided she wasn't worth the money, finances never came up in our meetings. I've never asked anyone about money before, I thank you for any advice you have to offer.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> It sounds like your role in this is primarily "whipping the horse" hoping you can make it run faster. Not saying you yell at him or are abusive. Instead it is a "I am unhappy" with our financial situation conversation during which you completely skip over what YOU could do to make it better.


:iagree:

In addition there is a contradiction to what kitkateybug is saying. On one hand she says she is the CFO who does a good job on the other hand she has financial problems and constant arguments about her credit card balance. 

If you were good at managing finances then you debt would be well under control and you wouldn't need to fight. My gut feeling is that you are patting yourself on your back for not missing any payments. No one calls a CFO good because the company hasn't defaulted on its debts.


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