# Addiction or excuse?



## justme85 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hello everyone.

I need some help or advice. I've been with my boyfriend unofficially for about two years, officially 15 months. I used his laptop 2 days ago whilst he was out with friends and he had his browser open with a site on that is there for meeting new people. Now there was no snooping, as I suspected nothing and believed we had an amazing relationship, he even offered the use of his laptop! 

He came home after I text him asking him what it was. He said he had used the site before and that he has started again. Fearing that I would end up not getting the full story, i demanded he logged in so I could check the messages. He was messaging lord knows how many girls telling them they looked hot and the conversations went from there. He never met up with any of them. I'm ashamed so say this resulted in my giving him a whack and throwing him out of the house.

No here's where I need help. He believes he has a genuine problem. He has been using this kind of site for years, before me and whilst with his last girlfriend, as well as when he was single. He doesn't know why he does it, he believes he doesnt get any satisfaction and despises himself for doing this. He wants to stop and has since arranged for a doctor to refer him for counselling. 

Excuse or addiction? I know you probably hear this all the time, but the relationship was perfect. We were close, we went out all the time and had fun, we both had time for friends, sex life was great. He's now devastated as I've not let him return home to stay. I do believe this as he looks broken. He hasnt stopped apologising and assures me that he is done with this side of him. He feels it's like there are two people. The real him is completely happy with me and doesn't want to lose what we had. He wants me to give us another chance.

So, help and advice anyone? I'm so torn. I feel like he has ripped my heart out and made a mockery of everything I thought we had, but I just cant see a future without him in it. I refuse to be turned into a paranoid basket case because of this. HELP!  xx


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Dump him. This is just an excuse. This behavior will only continue and get worse after marriage. He'll most likely be more sneaky about it now that you found out. This guy isn't worth your time.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Excuse or not, just be glad you dumped him. Do you really want to spend your life having to deal with someone elses "addiction" if you know ahead of time you don't have to? Its not a road to many people would want to be on if they could avoid it.


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## justme85 (Aug 29, 2013)

Thanks for the replies so far. I've not officially ended the relationship as yet. I've kicked him and and have been taking time to think things over.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

justme85 said:


> Hello everyone.
> 
> I need some help or advice. I've been with my boyfriend unofficially for about two years, officially 15 months. I used his laptop 2 days ago whilst he was out with friends and he had his browser open with a site on that is there for meeting new people. Now there was no snooping, as I suspected nothing and believed we had an amazing relationship, he even offered the use of his laptop!
> 
> ...


The 'real' him? I wouldn't want to try to figure out which one of the two is real....

You're not married.. no kids.. run like hell.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

An addiction???? Seriously?? Please don't let this guy play you.


You're not married to him, you don't have kids with him, you need to cut the few losses you have to deal with and kick him to the curb for good. You're just opening yourself up for a world of hurt if you continue any kind of relationship with this guy. Believe me there are other, and better, men out there.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

One of the things I have learned with our counseling is that there are *reasons* things happen, but no matter what....they are not *excuses*. Does that make any sense? Perhaps he needs to look at the reasons he goes on these sites, and stop making excuses. Reasons require asking for answers....excuses to not..


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

JustMe,

For what it's worth, I have been married to a sex addict for 17 years (together 24) and am finally divorcing him. Do I still love him? Yes. Does he love me? Yes. But he cannot change and I cannot continue to go through the pain involved with his addition. The prognosis for sex addicts is not great even when they deeply want to change. It can and does happen, but you need to understand that more commonly, they just grow more deceitful and their web of lies becomes more and more destructive.

I would urge you to really consider whether you can live with this man if he never changes. If the answer is No, I hope you extricate yourself before you invest more of your time and love in him. I know it's hard to let go of someone you love, but sometimes they are too broken and will simply take you down with them.

Best wishes. I pray you find the clarity you need to make the right decision for you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sounds like a bit of both to me. 

But so what?

The bottom line is that he is betraying you and will continue to do so. So either end it now or get used to it. I see no other alternative.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I agree. I confronted my husband with his cheating. We have a baby and 2 houses together. I check his phone 1 MONTH later and find new activity. Believe me I wish I could just leave. Don't get more entwined with him. There are so many fish in the sea who won't do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The person with the genuine problem is you. Your genuine problem?

Your boyfriend is a dastard.

Send him on his way.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

justme85 said:


> Hello everyone.
> 
> I need some help or advice. I've been with my boyfriend unofficially for about two years, officially 15 months. I used his laptop 2 days ago whilst he was out with friends and he had his browser open with a site on that is there for meeting new people. Now there was no snooping, as I suspected nothing and believed we had an amazing relationship, he even offered the use of his laptop!
> 
> ...


 I smell an excuse, he is trying to get himself out of the hot water he has boiled. 

He has lost your trust, if you continue the relationship with him, you will be a basketcase!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He sounds like a serial cheater, not an addict. He wants you and thinks he loves you - you are his respectable SO. All the other women are the ones he has on the side as a matter of course.

This arrangement never really ends for this type of person. They get extremely good at hiding it, though, so you may think that he has reformed.

I wouldn't stay with him. You're asking for lots of heartache.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Nobody wants to hear how "lucky" they are in situations like these but if you do leave (and I think the general consensus here is that you should). You are/will be lucky. Many of us here have houses, kids, and are legally married thus have to keep our betrayers in our lives whether we stay with them or not.

You don't have kids and you're not married. There is no reason to stay. You are young, attractive, you write well enough so I'd like to say also intelligent. You deserve better and have a real chance of having better with someone else. 

Most cheaters don't change. A lot do, however, this guy has done this before. It's a pattern with him that is unlikely to end. He is a "serial cheater". If you stay with him and get married, you will be back on this board again. If you stay with him and have kids, you'll be back on this board again AND, you'll never be able to completely cut him out of your life when your marriage ends.

It's very fresh. I know you said that things were "perfect" between the two of you but he was cheating during the "perfect" relationship. If/when you detach and distance yourself and allow yourself to grieve and process this, you will start to notice a lot of bulls_it that you didn't see before and aren't seeing now.

It's hard but you need to let him go.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Do yourself a favor and get rid of everything of his in your house.

Make it known publicly that he is a serial cheater.

And do not accept the "I have an addiction issue", I have an addiction to sex but I keep turning down potential affair partners even when my wife is away on the show for near on 3weeks I still turn them down and I "do" have a sex addiction.

If you stay within this toxic relationship you will have a real problem trusting anyone in the future and it will basically screw you up in your mind as you will be forever second guessing him and what he tells you. Snooping will become your life to ensure he is being faithful and what you had is gone, he didn't want it, he wanted more, in essence he is a cake eater, he wants you for comfort and laundry and some hot stuff for hot fun, just as long as you stay quiet and play along he will abuse you.

Keep out and stay away from him, I sense you have strong feelings for him but he does not and will not share the same sentiment of fidelity, he has shown you his true colors, he said he hadn't met any of them, that may be true, but the only word he missed out was "YET", he is a cheater and he has and will continue to cheat on you, you will not change him before you naively think you can, he hasn't had a hard enough fall for that to happen!!!!

Please be thankful for finding out sooner rather than later, and continue to post, we are a very supportive bunch in here


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## serenesoul (Jan 19, 2013)

Be glad you found out now. I discovered virtually the same problem as you did but after marriage. It moved from an online issue, to the bar and more recently a woman on his job. Supposedly nothing physical has occured but either way, it has terribly impacted our marriage. Consider yourself blessed. You can find someone better for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justme85 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hello,

Thank you all for taking the time to read the post and reply.

We have spent countless hours talking over this, and I go from wanting to killing him, to sobbing for myself, to just being numb. 

I have decided that im going to go to a counselling session with him as I feel I've more questions than answers. I need to try and process this and feel I obviously can't trust his word. I don't know if trust can be rebuilt. Some say it's possible, most say not. 

I do know that every action or decision from here on is mine. I'm the one who will decide whether I can give anymore. I'm focusing on me and trying to make rational decisions...which isn't easy given its so raw.

Anyway, just an update and to say a huge thank you


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I wish you the best of luck.


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