# Can he be trusted



## LITTLEMEXICO (Mar 25, 2011)

I'm new on here, but am in need of some good advice. My story is long, and I'm probaly going to have to leave alot out, but here goes.

My husband and I met in a police academy almost 5 years ago. We started dating, when at the time he advised me he had just recently broke up with his girlfriend. The academy was in a seperate town from where either of us lived, and our hometowns were about two hours apart from each other. I was single at the time, with two beautiful young girls. He had no children.

When academy was over he started to come visit me whenever he could. On the first visit, he advised me that his "ex", was pregnant, and he had just found out. He told me that they were not getting back together, and that he was not in love with her. He just wanted to make sure he was part of the babies life. I was ok with this, and glad that he wanted to be a father to his child.

So, we continue to date and he starts asking me to move to his town, in which I tell him I will not until I know that it is a permanent situation, aka marriage, because I don't want to uproot my children and quit my job for something that is not permanent. Soon after he asks me to marry him. (and soon after this I find out I am pregnant)

I quit the job of my dreams, move to his town. Once we arrived, everything started to change. My "husband" became a differant person. It became apparent by found text messages and other odd things that he was still seeing the "ex". When confronted he lied, and then one day he started to become aggressive towards me. Not just verbally, but also physically. I never said anything to anyone. I was know a pregnant, stay at home mom, with no friends. I was (or at least believed I was) alone. I loved him very much, and wanted to believe that I gave up everything I loved for a good reason, so I stayed and tried to change things.

He finally admitted to cheating on me with his ex. He did the whole I am sorry, please forgive me, I swear it won't happen again thing. But, I knew he hadn't stopped. I still felt the alone, have nowhere to go feeling and stayed. Things kept going, the hitting, the cheating, until finally things broke and suprisingly enough, he told me I had to leave. (I know I must sound really stupid right about now, but believe me, it gets better)

I left, with my new baby boy and my girls, and moved in with my poor parents. For a month, I was in tears. I had no home, no job, no life. He called and said that he wanted me to come back, said that he had changed and that he would never hurt me in any way again. He stated that he was a fool and loved me more than anything and was sorry for all of his faults. I believed him, and loved him and felt as if he was sincere. I moved us back.

It didn't take long before the abuse started back up. And little did I know, so did the cheating. This time with a differant girl, but eventually it led back to the ex. The ex was the one that ratted on him, because of jealousy. He once again was forgiven.

So anyway, fast forward to the last year. We bought a new home, have now been married 2 years. I believed the cheating had stopped, but he was still hitting me, on and off. I found text messages on his phone between he and his ex. They were begging her to make it impossible to stay with me, and her telling him how much she missed him and tried everything to get him back. This was during the Christmas, New Year holidays of 2010. I was furious, I decided this was the last time he put me through this. I confronted him and he admitted to the texts. Stated that he had not been with her this time though. Somehow he talked me into staying, AGAIN. 

After this time though, things became differant inside of me. I got a new job in law enforcement. I met friends, and felt like I was human again for the first time in a long time. I started talking to a couple of the guys at the department, not in a bad way, just in a I finally have someone besides him to talk to, kind of way. I started to get on my feet. Well he hears a rumor (completely false) from a friend that I am cheating on him, and he freaks out. He won't let me out of his sight. He checks my phone records daily. He won't leave me alone, and is clingy and needy. Telling me how much he loves me and needs me, and won't be able to live without me. 

When he thought I had cheated he became abusive once again and I told him that was the last time that ever happened. I told him to leave. And he started to call me that night stating that he was just going to kill himself. I became scared and asked him to come back. I advised him that he has to get therapy for the abuse or he could not stay. He got a counselor, but not for the abuse, he got a marriage counselor. 

So we have been seeing this counselor for 3 weeks now, and my husband is persistant that he has completely changed. That he saw the error in his ways and will never hurt me in any way again. He does seem very sincere this time. I can't possibly believe this is happening. I have finally had enough of living this way. I have been unhappy for almost 5 years because I chose to stay with a man who lied every step of the way. Why is he so upset now that it seems like I no longer want to be apart of this marriage. Is it just control? Is it because he finally believes that I will leave? Why does he act like he will be so devastated if I go at this point? Am I wrong, and he really has changed, and I'm about to mess up the one thing that I always wanted with him? I need help. I know this story sounds really bad, and maybe I could make you understand more if I had more room. But anything you all can help me with or support me in would be great. I feel so completely lost.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

All I can say is please don't let him hit you. Poor thing. I'll let the other folks give you the advice to handle the rest of the issues.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

This is a clasically abusive man who is not likely to change, even with counseling. Please get a copy of the book:

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books

I'm glad you're strengthening your support network...it will give you the encouragement you need to get out. And you should before he seriously hurts or kills you or your children.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

All i can say is WOW. I was with a guy off and on for 4 years, things went really fast. In 3 months i was pregnant (i was young and dumb) Things changed. He would hit me from time to time. As the relationship went on, the fighting and the abuse got worse. He cheated on me all the time, with i don't really know how many others. 

At the end, i was in fear of my son's and my life. He had threated to kill me and our son if i ever left him. I was terrified to break it off with him. I tried over the years and he would stalk me. He starting abusing our young son, he was only a year old, that is when i got out. 

A man that claims to love you will not hit you. It is never OK for a man to hit a woman and vise versa. You need to get out and now. Do you want your daughters to be with a man who does this to them, do you want your son to hit his wife. I don't think you do. If you let this behavior continue your children will grow up to think this is OK!

Your husband may be trying to change, but it will not happen over night, it will take quite sometime. He needs to get in to therapy for his abuse issue and marriage counselling isn't really going to help that. The next time he lays a hand on you get you and your children out of there!!! File a police report, get a restraining order. I am really worried about you and your babies.

EDIT***
IT does not matter what you do, you could be the nicest person in the world to him and he will still hit you and abuse you. This is not your fault, if he were with someone else, he would do it to her too.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I want you to hear my first memory and maybe it will help you.

It was christmas eve, I was about a 1 1/2 years old. I remember waking up because I heard my mom crying. I don't really remember the yelling or the conversation I just remember hearing her crying. I got up to go see what was wrong. My parents bedroom door was opened up all the way and there were lamps that were turned on. As I approached the door, I was maybe 3 feet from the enterance to their bedroom, I watched my dad grab my mom and throw her so hard that her head went through the wall. I don't really remember anything after that but I remember when I was a bit older, maybe 9 or 10, seeing her old drivers licence and in the picture she was wearing a neckbrace. I didn't ask why, and no one had to tell me, I knew because I was there.

My Mom still says to this day that she thinks that if I didn't wake up and walk to their bedroom, then he would have killed her. She says I saved her life.

Think about your children, how would you feel if they had a similar first memory?


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Abusive relationships wear down your self esteem. I grew up with a vicious and cruel mother, who would still be wreaking havoc if I allowed her in my life. When I left home, she did all the weeping, gift giving and pleading too, along with getting others to talk me into going home.
Because of that, I have had two abusive relationships. One man was selfish and verbally abusive. The other one was controlling, manipulative and sexually abusive. I stayed because I didn't believe that I deserved any better. My rationale was that if my own mother did not love me, who else would?
I found Mr.G when I was happy with myself. 

You work in law enforcement. Don't you see enough cowering wives with black eyes?? Get away from this "man" and find some IC for yourself, mama. You and your children deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I agree, leave. Be done with this man, you owe it to YOU, and your 3 beautiful children. Has he hurt your kids at all?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> I want you to hear my first memory and maybe it will help you.
> 
> It was christmas eve, I was about a 1 1/2 years old. I remember waking up because I heard my mom crying. I don't really remember the yelling or the conversation I just remember hearing her crying. I got up to go see what was wrong. My parents bedroom door was opened up all the way and there were lamps that were turned on. As I approached the door, I was maybe 3 feet from the enterance to their bedroom, I watched my dad grab my mom and throw her so hard that her head went through the wall. I don't really remember anything after that but I remember when I was a bit older, maybe 9 or 10, seeing her old drivers licence and in the picture she was wearing a neckbrace. I didn't ask why, and no one had to tell me, I knew because I was there.
> 
> ...


I could hug you right now... I'm sorry!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Do not believe him. Your children deserve much better and so do you.

How would you feel if one of your daughters ended up in a relationship like this? would you think she should give him another chance?


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## LITTLEMEXICO (Mar 25, 2011)

paramore said:


> I agree, leave. Be done with this man, you owe it to YOU, and your 3 beautiful children. Has he hurt your kids at all?


No, he has never hurt one of my children. I would have left immediately. The bad part of it is, I am starting to realize that just allowing this to go on for so long while they were inside the house was almost just as bad.


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## LITTLEMEXICO (Mar 25, 2011)

Thank you all very much for your comments. I have never shared any of this with anyone in my life, and needed to get it off of my chest. I also needed to hear someone tell me, it's ok to leave. I have been thinking about it for awhile, and haven't been able to muster up the courage. 

You would think a police officer would have a little more common sense. I don't know how I became so entangled in this man. I tell woman on a weekly basis to get out of the same situation that I'm in. I also see the same fear in their face as I feel when the idea is mentioned. I think that this is what finally started to open my eyes and make me realize that he doesn't get to do this and just get away with it.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

LITTLEMEXICO said:


> No, he has never hurt one of my children. I would have left immediately. The bad part of it is, I am starting to realize that just allowing this to go on for so long while they were inside the house was almost just as bad.


As far as I know, my "Father" didn't hurt/abuse us at first either, but eventually he started to. I've got a nice scar above my left eye thats about an inch long from one of the incidents. Thank God I've represt pretty much everything. So even though he hasn't hurt/abused your children yet... well it's the "yet" part that really matters.

I'd GTFO asap, before he even has an opportunity to hurt your children, and you any longer.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Also, report him. Someone should not be in his position with the terrible actions he has commited. Plus it all needs to be on paper so if he does it to another woman later on in life, it will be less of a hassle for her when she chooses to report him because it will be on record that he has done it before.


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