# Help...I'm at a crossroads



## joy1111 (Mar 4, 2011)

I need serious help and have never felt so confused in my life. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. We had a whirlwind relationship (living together 2 months after we met, engaged 5 months later, married the following year). We had the perfect relationship (NEVER argued once) up until we got married. Our marriage started off very rocky and because of some things I did (involving outsiders such as friends in our affairs) he cut himself off from me emotionally. To make a long story short, we basically lived the majority of our marriage as roommates. I acknowledged my faults for him distancing himself from me emotionally and immediately owned up to it and even cut of a 20 year friendship with the person he felt was the source of our problems. During our marriage, we never really did anything together (except for an occasional movie or dinner every now and then). No romance whatsoever. He wouldn’t even acknowledge holidays or special occasions. After awhile, we began to argue a lot over little things. If I said it was black, he said it was white. He would never spend time with me. We began to drift further and further apart. Then last year, he converted to Islam. I’m not a very religious person but I’m more spiritual. I don’t attend church regularly and I don’t practice a particular faith. He has never tried to push his religion on me but I didn’t like the changes it made in him. He’s not a traditional Muslim but joined the Nation of Islam and I disagree with the hatred they preach. He spends hours and hours talking about and researching conspiracy theory stuff, the government, the end of the world, the federal reserve, and I could go on and on. When things started to head south, I suggested couples counseling early on but he refused. 
Anyway, over the summer I meet someone online. This person lives out of state and I fell in love with him. He’s everything I ever wanted in someone. He’s divorced and has joint custody of his two children. I’ve been to visit him twice and I’ve never felt so alive with anyone and he really brings out the best in me. We have so much in common and the chemistry is amazing. When I first met my husband, I was very lonely and dating a career student who had no intentions of committing anytime soon. My husband and I have very different backgrounds and I knew we didn’t have a lot in common. What attracted me to him was that he was so nice to me, he was very confident, and seemed to have character and integrity. There were no fireworks or butterflies ever during the course of our relationship. I was never that attracted to him intimately either. But I thought we could build something together and everything would just fall in place after the wedding. When we met, I was in my early 30’s and being pressured by my family to get married because “I wasn’t getting any younger”. We never had children together and I’m still struggling with that emotionally. As much as I care for the other guy, I felt guilty about the affair because I was the last person in the world that thought I could ever do such a thing. I feel like a failure at times. Failing at my marriage, failing at having children and a family. 
My husband found out about the affair before the holidays. He looked in my cell phone and saw a text about an upcoming trip I had to visit the other guy. We tried counseling and I tried to break it off with the other guy but my heart wouldn’t let me. I still have contact with him. I know that the other guy may not be “the one”, and I know about the 80/20 rule and all that stuff, but I know my husband isn’t either. I love my husband, but I love him the way I love my younger brother. I wanted to separate but he refused. I feel as though he tries to guilt me into staying. He gave me an ultimatum to either work it out or divorce. I was agreeable to a divorce to but he still keeps holding on to me. My family got involved and they think I should just stay and work it out because I don’t want to end up being alone in my 40’s and because he’s a good guy and loves me (my therapist said this also). But I’m not happy. There is NO CHEMISTRY at all. Before the other guy came into my life, I had already decided that I was gonna leave and had begin to put things in place to do so. My husband is very childish at times and can be very erratic. I love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore. We have nothing in common. His newfound religion comes first. But I don’t want to hurt him either. He’s a great guy and has many wonderful qualities, but for someone else. I’m so confused. I’m beyond depressed…I’m at the end of my ropes and I don’t know what to do anymore.


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## oldbill43 (Feb 11, 2011)

Hello, I really feel the hurt and upset in your post, I wish I could say something to help you decide what is best.

You could start by putting yourself first, above all else and above your partner. 
Really feel what that is like for a few seconds by putting youself first, you being allowed to walk away and be completely free. While thinking this, is there anything that pulls you back? 
If not, then there is your answer, time to move on. 

Weigh things up carefully, it wouldnt be a good idea to leave your current partner while being in any other kind of affair. This will only cloud your thoughts and wont be any help whatsoever.

Sometimes our heart gives up on a relationship, for whatever reasons, we can go through the same old daily routines, blindfolded, getting nowhere, or we can break free.
Good luck x


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