# Spouse anxious about resuming sexual activity



## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

Long time poster here (used to have the TAM handle of "keeper63"). My story is a bit long so please bear with me.

Over the past 5 years or so, my wife of 29 years and I had what I considered to be a very satisfying sex life. We had sex 2-3 times per week. She had gotten over most of the hangups she had from a conservative Catholic upbringing, and was very enthusiastic about sex, had multiple orgasms just about every time we had sex, and only had a few sexual acts that were completely off the table (me cumming in her mouth, bringing others into the bedroom, pain/humiliation). I am pretty much up for anything, except I don't really enjoy anal (either me giving her anal, or her pegging me).

About 3 months ago, my wife had a sudden cerebral hemorrhage. She was in the Neuro ICU for nearly a month, and over the course of the past 3 months, she has had a total of 3 brain surgeries. First of all, she is lucky to be alive, and she has come through this with very few long-term issues, the worst being an 80% hearing loss in one ear. She has not had any cognitive problems, or personality changes.

About two weeks ago, she received a letter from her doctor stating that she is physically able to return to any of her pre-event activities, including work, driving, exercise, and sex.

She has been very hesitant to talk about sex, and when I have tried to make advances, she tells me she doesn't want to. I told her about a month ago that when she is ready to talk about or resume having sex, that she should let me know. She has not said a word to me about it, and won't engage me when I bring it up. About the closest we have come to actual sex is she laid next to me in bed last week and watched me while I masturbated, but didn't interact with me or say anything to me, she just rolled back over and went to sleep.

She just seems to have zero interest in talking about sex, and engaging in sex. I'm not sure if she is afraid of having an orgasm because of the brain hemorrhage, or the ordeal itself made her lose her drive and/or interest in having sex. This is the longest we have gone without sex since the first trimester of her pregnancy with our 18 yo son. It's beginning to bother me, and I'm not sure what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She might be afraid that sex will cause her another episode.

You might want to try some things to slowly get her back to having sex. Like maybe give her some massages. Then work into some foreplay, etc.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Cut this woman some slack please. Be patient, if you love her and give her room then it might return, if not then you will have to look at your needs getting met some other way with her blessing if that is possible. A month in hospital is a long time and only 12 weeks and a green light from her doctor is nothing to the trauma this poor woman has been through, please give her the space to make a full recovery in herself, she will let you know soon enough if sex is going to play a part in her life.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ask her if she's concerned about whether she's ready, or if she now feels differently about sex and desire.

If she knows she may talk about it. If she doesn't, realize that fear could cause a loss of desire too. But if she isn't afraid but also her desire has changed then you will have a better idea of what to do next (including discussing with the doctor or her gyno)


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You should go slow my friend. Imagine you had a heart attack, you would be worried too. This is the kind of thing you can't rush. Also don't just assume it's not going to get better, but it may take a while. Now is the time for you to draw on your natural husband like desire to sacrifice for your wife. Time to be strong. Maybe not forever but it may be slow. Your wife needs you to be strong.


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## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

At some logical level, I think she understands that sex won't cause her to have another hemorrhage. The emotional issues are likely another thing altogether.

The thing that concerns me the most is her unwillingness to talk to me about it. Before this happened, we were very open in our discussions about sex, feelings, and just about everything else. I'm worried that the stress and emotional strain of the past few months has potentially changed her feelings about me and about intimacy in general.

I know this kind of thing takes time to resolve, but it has been really hard to sleep in the same bed every night, and know that she has absolutely no interest in talking to me about this, much less having no interest in intimacy with me.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Buffon06, did she suffer any brain/physical damage from the stroke? How severe was it? 

My grandfather had 2 in his early 40s that left him with partial paralysis and difficulty speaking. He was able to recover his speech but not the paralysis.


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## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

No brain damage or physical disabilities (which is a miracle in itself). In the process of repairing one of the two aneurysms, the blood flow to her inner ear was interrupted and caused a significant hearing loss that may or may not improve.

As I mentioned previously, her doctor has cleared her to return to normal activities, like work, driving, sex, exercise, etc.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Buffon06 said:


> No brain damage or physical disabilities (which is a miracle in itself). In the process of repairing one of the two aneurysms, the blood flow to her inner ear was interrupted and caused a significant hearing loss that may or may not improve.
> 
> As I mentioned previously, her doctor has cleared her to return to normal activities, like work, driving, sex, exercise, etc.


I don't want to sound flippant but considering the worse alternatives, only having hearing loss is a "blessing". She's very lucky.

She may have PTSD similar to people who have near death experiences. There's probably a whole lot going on in her mind that she's trying to get through. She may need to speak to a trained psychotherapist just to get her to open up.


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## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

It could be PTSD or something similar. I have suggested that she talk to her therapist to help her unpack her feelings about what has happened.

I have already gone to therapy a couple of times since this happened. It helped me deal with my feelings, and I told her this much when I urged her to go talk to someone. I just wish she would talk to me about it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Buffon06 said:


> It could be PTSD or something similar. I have suggested that she talk to her therapist to help her unpack her feelings about what has happened.
> 
> I have already gone to therapy a couple of times since this happened. It helped me deal with my feelings, and I told her this much when I urged her to go talk to someone. *I just wish she would talk to me about it*.


Give her time.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Is sex the only thing she won't talk to you about - or are there other things too? Is lack of sex and not talking about it the only thing that has changed between the two of you - or are there other changes in your relationship too?


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## janebarrett581 (Feb 21, 2017)

HiOP, sex is obviously very important to you, but you have to understand that recovery from a major illness takes a very long time. The Doctor giving the OK just means she is physically ready.

I had a major illness and I overestimated my readiness for many things and went backwards.

As everyone suggests, time....


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I'm sorry that you and your wife had such a frightening experience. My only thoughts are continue to let her know how much you cherish her, and lots of nice bubble baths and back rubs!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Buffon06 said:


> I just wish she would talk to me about it.


Instead of getting her to talk about her current feelings about sex, will she talk about her feelings for nonsexual intimacy?

Does she enjoy being hugged, or does she not want to be touched?

Does she want you by her side, or does she want to be independent more?

Whatever she went through could have triggered some changes in her personality. If she has just had so many surgeries, she has likely required a great deal of care and had people/nurses poking and prodding her during medical procedures/monitoring nonstop for months on end. She may need to have a few days of just being home alone (here and there with someone close by) just to help her get back in touch with her old self and decompress from so much human interaction. 

Also keep in mind that she may need to recover her self esteem. If her head has been shaved and there are now surgical scars and/or staple marks across her skull, odds are she has looked in the mirror and does not feel very feminine/attractive anymore. 

My advice would be to spend some time talking not about sex, but talk to her about what it is from you that she needs to feel loved. Ask her what she needs to know that you still want to be close to her emotionally as your wife. If she has scars, do make it a point to talk about those and how you feel about them as well as how they make her look. Do talk about how she feels about her scars and acknowledge those feelings as well. I just googled "brain surgery scars" and I am thinking that she is struggling to accept the way that her scars will make her look from now on as something that makes her feel very unattractive. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

She didn't need to have "open" brain surgery. So she didn't need to shave her head, and has no surgical scars. Two of the surgeries (aneurysm embolizations) were done through the femoral artery with catheters. The third surgery was done with a "Gamma Knife" which is a radiological procedure. She did need to have a metal halo screwed into her skull, which left two very tiny scars over her eyebrows (they can hardly be seen now).

I think perhaps she may be depressed, and/or the entire ordeal has made a subtle change in her personality.

I feel like I have been extremely supportive during this situation, many of our friends and family have told me that I have been like a rock to her and my family. She just doesn't want to discuss her feelings, my feelings, or anything involving intimacy or sex.

So I am prepared to give her more time. I am going to encourage her to talk to her therapist. I just don't know how long I can go without being able to engage her in an intimate conversation about feelings, much less how long I can go without being sexually intimate with her. I know I almost lost her, and I have a lot of pent up emotional feelings of wanting to be close to her again. It has helped to go talk to a professional, but there is no substitute for being emotionally and sexually close to my wife again.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

What you describe sounds like a personality change? While it is certainly likely that there are ongoing emotional issues that need to be worked through, it is not uncommon with brain injuries for there to be physiological changes as well.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I wonder if such invasive procedures can cause depression. I know men commonly have depression after the physical trauma of heart surgery.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Is there a forum you can join for people with this issue or care givers? My blood cancer has several very active such forums (because many have an indolent form that takes quite a while to kill you) and we develop surprisingly close online relationships - at least we know and understand each other. Questions like this are quickly responded to, and you get the feeling you aren't alone; others have the same issues, you can help newbies, and you know you have people that "have been there" when all types of related and unrelated issues arise.

Something to look into or call the nurse and see if they know of any support groups


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Just a thought... I think if it isn't a personality change then the whole previous post about feelings is on target.

She may not have huge scars but I'm sure the whole thing didn't make her feel sexy or strong. And you may have been the best husband in the world during and after. But that sometimes just makes us (partners) feel less worthy, damaged, like you deserve better. And when we don't deserve you crazy things can sometimes go through our head. Like you be better off if you left us got a woman without a broken head. Of course we don't want to talk to you about our shame that we aren't good enough. For one you will probably dismiss it and act like we are crazy. But deep down we know we need to distance ourselves for the impending break.

I hope she doesn't feel that way but many devoted wives feel terrible when they become a burden. Physically and monetarily add sexually.

Time usually helps.


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## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

I reckon I just have to give this situation some more time and see what happens. At some point in the future I'll just have to make a decision.


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## ccc123 (Jan 19, 2017)

OP - I am so sorry you guys are going through this. 

I think you are doing everything right, and knowing that she needs time and help from her therapist is key. I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but mainly what I want to say is that you shouldn't feel bad for thinking about your own needs in addition to hers. You guys have both survived something traumatic - you are a human being with feelings that can't just be turned off. Don't feel bad about thinking about you - it would not do your relationship any good for you to neglect yourself and your feelings. 

Best of luck!


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## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

anastasia6 said:


> She may not have huge scars but I'm sure the whole thing didn't make her feel sexy or strong. And you may have been the best husband in the world during and after. But that sometimes just makes us (partners) feel less worthy, damaged, like you deserve better. And when we don't deserve you crazy things can sometimes go through our head. Like you be better off if you left us got a woman without a broken head. Of course we don't want to talk to you about our shame that we aren't good enough. For one you will probably dismiss it and act like we are crazy. But deep down we know we need to distance ourselves for the impending break.


You may be on to something here. She mentioned in passing last week that she read an article about open marriages and the idea seemed intriguing to her. At this point in my life I don't think I would be interested in that (but perhaps an extended period without emotional intimacy or sex might change my mind...), but it might be a clue to her mental and emotional state. She may truly be depressed, and/or she is feeling like she has no value, and that she is no longer capable of meeting my needs.

I'm going to continue to suggest that she go talk to her therapist.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Let put sex aside for a second....does she kiss you or hold hands with you....does she like to look at you and smile....when she was recovering? also tell me what other personality changes have you noticed? how is she with your son...has that bond changed in any way? there are cases where brain surgery have impacted patients to the point that they are not the same person that they were before? hobbies change, clothing change, changes in perfume, changes in desire...it maybe that you may have to court her all over again, that you will have to get her to fall in love with you all over again ...there is a Latin phrase Tabula Rasa it means clean slate......don't get me wrong her memories might still be there, but the feelings may not be attached to them. just a thought


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## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

We have begun to resume our morning walks, and she holds my hand, but I'm almost always the one taking her hand. She kisses me in the morning and at bedtime, but the kisses are not particularly passionate, mostly just pecks on the lips. She just seems to not want to engage me emotionally or sexually on any level. Other than some increased tendencies to get annoyed and/or agitated, the distance issue with me seems to be the only major change in her behavior.

She and my son are very close, but since he is going off to college in another month, it's hard to gauge whether or not her relationship with him has changed. I would say that it has not changed.

I would be very disappointed if her personality has changed so much that she needs to fall in love with me all over again. I'm willing to give it a try, but again, she probably needs professional help.


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