# MLC, someone else, or depressed?



## Rito (May 9, 2015)

Hello All,

Me 36 Her 32 first marriage for both, 3 kids ages 8, 6, and 4. 

Met in college. married at 26 and 22.

Bomb drop in November of last year, she changed overnight, cold distant, wants to be free, unfulfilled, feels empty, dressing provactively, excersising. Wanted to wait until after the holidays to separate. It was a month and a half of hell, she was addicted to her phone, texting her friends all the time.

Starting January 1st, we separated with the kids staying in the marital home. She told me I emotionally abused her for our entire relationship, my mouth hit the floor. I got suspicious and checked her phone records and found she was texting another man from church, not frequent or at odd times but this guy looks like a sleezeball, I ask her to see the texts and she deleted out of fear of me being jealous which I have some jealous tendencies in the past I must admit. She called me home after two weeks and we had makeup sex after me calling her out on her texting this guy, BTW the sex life was great. She was fine for a few days then started to drift again. The relationship turned toxic after a few weeks and I finally left. Another month went by with us nesting the kids at the house.

Then I got mad and wouldn't leave the house since she wanted the seperation not me so I went back to the house, she would stay till 9pm on her nights then leave, staying at a friends house.

Eventually I waived the white flag and went back to nesting the kids at the marital home which is where we stand now.

She is still pissed at me and we barely communicate. Lawyers were initiated by me, and a marital settlement agreement has been drafted but its in her court.

I am moving on but want closure. Its like she just walked away...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. 

It is not unusual.


In your marriage, before she checked out of the relationship, did she complain about things? If so what?


----------



## Rito (May 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry that you are going through this.
> 
> It is not unusual.
> 
> ...


Yes she complained about a lack of an emotional connection, but it was once in a blue moon. I now realize she kept building resentment against me. Its like she just snapped.

She is obviously in a bad place to want to break the family. Its seems so out of character for her.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

All of the above?

Really sounds like some cheating could be going on. 

Rewriting history is one of many red flags she is waving at you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Affair. Zero doubt.

Hell, maybe affair*s*.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rito said:


> Yes she complained about a lack of an emotional connection, but it was once in a blue moon. I now realize she kept building resentment against me. Its like she just snapped.
> 
> She is obviously in a bad place to want to break the family. Its seems so out of character for her.


It sounds like a typical WAW situation. 

If she was/is having an affair, it's an exit affair.

When she complained about lack of emotional intimacy, did the two of you try to work on it?


----------



## Rito (May 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like a typical WAW situation.
> 
> If she was/is having an affair, it's an exit affair.
> 
> When she complained about lack of emotional intimacy, did the two of you try to work on it?


She went and saw a therapist on her own and he came up with the plan to do the 30 day trial separation starting in January. Of course that got blown up midway thru with me discovering the texts. After that we did one therapy session with the same therapists and he said this was about her not me. I said it was the toughest thing I ever went thru, she took that as me not wanting to go back, lame excuse as far as I am concerned. 

Anyway, if she was cheating she was brilliant, I checked her phone records and she had cut communication with the other man weeks before I called her out on it and it wasn't excessive by any means. Her other texts were to girlfriends. I checked.

So if we assume she is still cheating, will the guilt ever consume her and make her come clean? I think she is trashing me to all her friends.

to answer the question, no we didn't work on it which was the most stunning thing,


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Honestly, if you guys are through then cut her loose. The truth has a good chance of coming out in time anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rito said:


> She went and saw a therapist on her own and he came up with the plan to do the 30 day trial separation starting in January. Of course that got blown up midway thru with me discovering the texts. After that we did one therapy session with the same therapists and he said this was about her not me. I said it was the toughest thing I ever went thru, she took that as me not wanting to go back, lame excuse as far as I am concerned.
> 
> Anyway, if she was cheating she was brilliant, I checked her phone records and she had cut communication with the other man weeks before I called her out on it and it wasn't excessive by any means. Her other texts were to girlfriends. I checked.
> 
> ...


I doubt that the guilt will ever consume her. If there was an affair, it sounds like an exit affair. 

What are you doing for yourself now?


----------



## Rito (May 9, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Honestly, if you guys are through then cut her loose. The truth has a good chance of coming out in time anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I want to work on it, but a few months ago she told me I had my chance and she is moving on, 

I told myself I wouldn't bring it up again, I want her to make first move.

Tired of beating my head against the wall. It just sucks for the kids.


----------



## Rito (May 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I doubt that the guilt will ever consume her. If there was an affair, it sounds like an exit affair.
> 
> What are you doing for yourself now?


Trying to move on, its hard with the kids. 

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be cordial to my wife for the sake of the kids, not be friends but not destroying her either.

Its like she is purposely trying to hurt me.

The messed up thing is not one of her friends have approached me about resolving any issues, its like they are rooting for our marriage to fail, true friends indeed.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rito said:


> Trying to move on, its hard with the kids.
> 
> If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be cordial to my wife for the sake of the kids, not be friends but not destroying her either.
> 
> Its like she is purposely trying to hurt me.


This means that she is still angry and has a lot of unresolved issues. She might never come to terms with them. Only time will tell.



Rito said:


> The messed up thing is not one of her friends have approached me about resolving any issues, its like they are rooting for our marriage to fail, true friends indeed.


I can understand why her friends have not tried to mediate between the two of you. It's not their place. Friends are seldom neutral. So it's best to keep them out of your marriage.

There are marriage counselors for this.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She has to be in it for it to work. She clearly isn't. Cut her loose my man. Very sorry, especially for your kids.

It would be interesting to hear what she has to say for herself but with just what you have told us, she is making a huge blunder and screwing up everyone's lives in the process.

She will more than likely be devastated by what she has done when she pulls her head out.

Unless she continues to rewrite history to continuously blame you for everything. You might want to start a journal. She sounds very bitter and clouded in judgment. It could impact your children more negatively than they already are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Rito said:


> Hello All,
> 
> Me 36 Her 32 first marriage for both, 3 kids ages 8, 6, and 4.
> 
> ...


I'm confused. Where are you living now? What does "nesting the kids" mean? I've never heard that phrase.


----------



## Rito (May 9, 2015)

I am staying at my mothers on some days, my aunts on others and then in the marital home on my days with the kids. Nesting is the term used where the kids stay in the marital home while the parents come and go.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rito, sorry you are here but it's not that usual to have a WAW in early30's with young kids, wives normally have much higher tolerance levels as they know the devastational impact it will have on young kids, there is something you are not telling us.

You said _She told me I emotionally abused her for our entire relationship, my mouth hit the floor. I got suspicious and checked her phone records and found she was texting another man from church, not frequent or at odd times but this guy looks like a sleezeball, I ask her to see the texts and she deleted out of fear of me being jealous which I have some jealous tendencies in the past I must admit._

The OM texts amounted to nothing (so you said) and you slip in the jealous tendencies you had in the past. There is much more to this. What did you do with these jealous tendencies exactly? Did you emotionally abuse or physically threaten her, spy on her etc? Maybe you have damaged the relationship so much she just wants to get away from you? I think you have to look at your own actions. Everyone on this thread is telling you to dump her but my reading of this is that you drove her away and this is entirely on you. Hope I am wrong. You are far too quick to dismiss your jealous tendencies IMO. Rug sweeping?


----------



## Troop (Mar 30, 2015)

Rito said:


> Hello All,
> 
> Me 36 Her 32 first marriage for both, 3 kids ages 8, 6, and 4.
> 
> ...


My situation is similar in ways to yours. Found out she was having an EA couple years back. She was never truly remorseful and it never fully ended. Skip ahead to the beginning of this year and I found out she is in another EA, turned PA. Within a month of me discovering it she wanted time apart and 2 weeks later wanted a D. Found out she wants to marry the guy, and he is also going through a divorce. Go right ahead. Perfect for each other.

At first I was also hoping for some closure, to understand how all this could happen so suddenly. It really wasn't sudden though. As I look back on it she checked out a long time ago and just faked it all this time.

We have been together 19 years, have a 17, 6, and 4 year old. Her actions have affected all of them. The oldest found out about it by seeing text messages from the POSOM on her phone as he was using it to facetime me. She told others she felt trapped because she had him so young, which got back to him. Yeah...way to make your son feel unwanted.

A while ago I realized how she is a POS and I deserved someone who truly loves me. Hopefully I find it. In the meantime I just want to move on and get this over with. I finally vented all that is going on with our oldest last night to her, and how she is not facing reality. Hasn't even told her parents about the divorce. She got upset and left the house, not coming back until 6:30 this morning. Good for her. Don't need her.

Hate to say it but realize who you are dealing with and unless people like that really want to make it work and do the right things, it is healthiest to let her go.

Good luck. It's sad that we have to go through this.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

aine said:


> Rito, sorry you are here but it's not that usual to have a WAW in early30's with young kids, wives normally have much higher tolerance levels as they know the devastational impact it will have on young kids, there is something you are not telling us.
> 
> You said _She told me I emotionally abused her for our entire relationship, my mouth hit the floor. I got suspicious and checked her phone records and found she was texting another man from church, not frequent or at odd times but this guy looks like a sleezeball, I ask her to see the texts and she deleted out of fear of me being jealous which I have some jealous tendencies in the past I must admit._
> 
> The OM texts amounted to nothing (so you said) and you slip in the jealous tendencies you had in the past. There is much more to this. What did you do with these jealous tendencies exactly? Did you emotionally abuse or physically threaten her, spy on her etc? Maybe you have damaged the relationship so much she just wants to get away from you? I think you have to look at your own actions. Everyone on this thread is telling you to dump her but my reading of this is that you drove her away and this is entirely on you. Hope I am wrong. You are far too quick to dismiss your jealous tendencies IMO. Rug sweeping?


My thoughts, too. Like nearly every story on TAM, we only get one side of the story. Doesn't mean it's the "right" one, though.


----------



## Rito (May 9, 2015)

No she definately wants to get away from me, thats obvious, I definately have my faults, in the past I felt that she would always ignore me in public, like I was some second rate citizen. I didnt start keeping tabs on her until she told me she wanted out. 

Is that so unreasonable? 

Self fulfilling prophecy, wife tells husband she wants out cause husband is controllling, husband gets suspicious and starts checking phone records. 

Another red flag, she said before the split she was ok if I had an affair with a woman in another city? WTF? Maybe she wanted to gig me to the judge? 

Im doing the right thing by giving her "space" and let her stay in the marital home on her days and paying more than half the bills. 

Again, I have my faults but to throw it all away doesnt make sense? 

Thanks everyone


----------



## Troop (Mar 30, 2015)

I ended up telling my WAW that if she wanted space she could go. You did not ask for this, she did. I would stay in the home if I were you.


----------



## Rito (May 9, 2015)

UPDATE....

Or no update really lol.

The OM HAS NOT BEEN DISCOVERED YET!! After a year and we are currently legally separated - the deal is done except for the final divorce next year - she could date who wants with no repercussions but no OM has been found, no stories, no hearsay, nothing, no kids ratting her out - nothing. Eventually something would shake loose yes?

BUT.......

She still is steadfast in her decision.

Only time in 12 months where she even remotely had a change of heart is that she called me up about a two months ago and said she is confused and depressed and sleeps all day. Then i started getting random texts from her about insignificant things, I guess pinging me to see if I am still there.

She told me she was seeing a life coach and that her struggle was very real right now.

I almost feel like she wants me to get a girlfriend first so she can blame me for everything, then unveil her homewrecker lol.

Thoughts?


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Let her go and don't worry about her, get on w fixing you!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Stop waiting for what she is going to do. In most cases there is a OM. Stop all contact except for the kids. She needs to realize what she is doing. Work on you and your issues and don't tell her sh!t about what you are doing. Even if she never comes back trust me you will be better off. Just on what you have control over, YOU!


----------

