# I need advice.



## sgtshelton233 (May 30, 2014)

Hello all. I am new and this is my first post. I need advice/input. I have been struggling for almost 6 years now. I could go on for hours and hours with details, but the bottom line is that my wife absolutely does not like being intimate with me. I can't lie and say we don't have sex probably more often than most married people, but it's ONLY because I instigate it. Basically my wife will "allow" me to have sex fairly often, but she NEVER wants sex. And half the time I can tell that it's a huge burden for her to "give" me sex. I have tried everything. We've went to a marriage counselor, I tried having civil discussions with her, we've split up, I've prayed....I don't know what else to do. We have two amazing children, age three and 5 months. I absolutely don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my children, and I love my wife more than anything. There is just a piece that is missing and has been missing for a LONG time. I do a lot around the house, I try to tend to her needs, but nothing seems to work. I would like some real world advice.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Have you read NMMNG, MMSLP, and the MAP? I would start there. There is an attraction issue that needs to be worked on with your wife...the root cause is most likely an absense of masculinity and leadership on your part. I would also recommend both forums for real world practical advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sgtshelton233 (May 30, 2014)

"Have you read NMMNG, MMSLP, and the MAP?"

I'm not familiar with these. Can you direct me toward them, I would love to check it out. You think she's not attracted to me? Would it be physically or mentally? Thanks for the reply.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

how much is 'fairly often' in your mind? are we talking 2x a week? or 2x a day?

struggling for six years...how long have you been married, known her, etc?

mommies with two little babies are not often the wild sex kittens they were in the early years of marriage.

explain the other parts of your relationship... does she work, do you fight a lot, is there resentment on her part because of your behavior? is she otherwise affectionate?

no signs of infidelity, right?


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## sgtshelton233 (May 30, 2014)

Thanks for the reply. I would say we have sex sometimes everyday or every other day. Sometime we will go several days in between, but she is pretty good about letting me do what I need. I say struggling for six years because that's how long we have been together. We met online and were traveling back and for between each other's houses for a few months and it was breaking us financially so we decided to move in together. We had only known each other for about three months before this. So we really didn't know each other. I knew that I loved her, but we didn't truly know each other. I started having these affection issues almost immediately. 

She is a school teacher and I am a graphic designer. Lucky for me, my employer allows me to work from home, so I take care of the house and cooking quite a bit. I wouldn't say that we fight a lot. We actually get along really well. And I DEFINITELY wouldn't think she is cheating on me.

I've had my fair share of girlfriends, some crazy some not, and have never had an issue with affection. Some of her college friends have told me that she never was the sexual type even in college, but would rather drink beer with the guys. Heck even one guy thought she was gay because she never had a boyfriend.

 I don't know if maybe I'm being over sensitive and need to just suck it up or what. The advice I'm looking for can definitely be directed toward me, I just want to feel better and nothing seems to work.

Thanks for your time.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

mmslp = married mans sex life primer, a great read. MAP is the plan the author recommends

NMMNG = no more mr nice guy, another book that may be relevent to your situation.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

sgtshelton233 said:


> I started having these affection issues almost immediately.


This should have rung a bell. If she wasn't affectionate in the beginning, what made you think it would get better? This just happens to be who the woman you married is. It's not like she was super affectionate and all of a sudden, turned the affection spigot off.

You take your wife, warts and all. The fact you get as much sex as you do is amazing. Maybe the compromise is that you have less sex, but she has to try and get into it more. Maybe you promise to only ask for it 2x per week, and she promises that in return, she will try and make it great for you.

No one needs sex every day. Us men WANT sex everyday, but come on, dude. You have 2 kids, including a 5 month old! No wonder she doesn't seem into it. She's really effing tired!


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## sgtshelton233 (May 30, 2014)

C123 said:


> This should have rung a bell. If she wasn't affectionate in the beginning, what made you think it would get better? This just happens to be who the woman you married is. It's not like she was super affectionate and all of a sudden, turned the affection spigot off.
> 
> You take your wife, warts and all. The fact you get as much sex as you do is amazing. Maybe the compromise is that you have less sex, but she has to try and get into it more. Maybe you promise to only ask for it 2x per week, and she promises that in return, she will try and make it great for you.
> 
> No one needs sex every day. Us men WANT sex everyday, but come on, dude. You have 2 kids, including a 5 month old! No wonder she doesn't seem into it. She's really effing tired!


I think you're right. I think this is more "my problem" than something she's doing wrong. Sometimes it just takes an outsider's point of view before I can see it. She's basically the same person as when we met, and if I accepted her then, I should accept her now. I like the idea of "less sex, but better sex". Maybe I'll talk to her about that. Thanks for taking the time to help me out.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Good luck to you.

Count your blessings. It's sounds like you do have blessings and qualities in your wife.

I'm not saying ignore the issues at all, just realize the positives and work on the issues. Try to make her happy, working on the issues with some gentleness and understanding.

Yes, you married a quiet reserved one, not for everybody, but you were attracted to her and love her, so...........

Go from there


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> Good luck to you.
> 
> Count your blessings. It's sounds like you do have blessings and qualities in your wife.
> 
> ...


His wife actually sounds like an amazing person. 

Sure everyone wants a freak in the bed. But to me, it sounds like she is sacrificially loving you. Which in it's own way, is love in itself. 

What do you argue about? Circular disagreement type arguments? Did someone cheat? One of you a Republican the other Democrat? 

I would read NMMNG as well. It talks a lot about getting the sex you want but it also talks about having a paradigm shift in regards for your potentially false expectations of sex. 

In my absolute humble opinion. If she isn't verbally expressing a disinterest. You may be beating a dead horse and should seek to fix yourself first. Some women, prefer making love to going at it like dogs in heat. Just sayin.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Lowering the frequency might increase her desire. You have set a pattern where you do what you like at the frequency you like and she has no reason to build desire or even think about sex. It is a given, gonna happen no matter what. So what is there to desire?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

sgtshelton233 said:


> "Have you read NMMNG, MMSLP, and the MAP?"
> 
> I'm not familiar with these. Can you direct me toward them, I would love to check it out. You think she's not attracted to me? Would it be physically or mentally? Thanks for the reply.


NMMNG is the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. Here is a link to a free PDF file available online:

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

I would start there. Next I would read Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay (you will have to order it it's not available for free). Then I would read The Mindful Attraction Plan by Athol Kay.

Lastly, I would check out the NMMNG forum and the MMSLP forum and blog (I think the MMSLP forum and blog are better but the NMMNG forum is good,too).
No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin
https://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/2/welcome 
(don't forget to read the blog on the MMSLP forum. I would start a thread there, too)

As to your question, yes this is most certainly an attraction problem. That's the bad news. But the good news is that it sounds like your wife loves you and is trying to meet your needs. That's a great baseline to start from. You have a huge advantage that most other men in your shoes don't have. Now is the time to act to fix your situation. There is a lot of bad advice out there. You will here that you need to help around the house more (horrible and ineffective advice, btw). You will here that you need to negotiate with your wife (horrible advice as well). The Athol Kay and Dr. Glover stuff is the most practical stuff I've run into to fix attraction issues. Those 3 books will explain the problem and direct you towards fixing it. The MMSLP forum will help you, too.

Briefly, the root attraction issue most likely stems from a lack of leadership and masculinity on your part. This can be fixed! I have much hope for your situation, friend. As a Christian I will pray for you and your family.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Probably, she's no longer excited by the relationship. Get her to fess up and tell you why not. Be prepared for whatever she might tell you. Give her real room to be honest without judging her. 

If she _genuinely_ doesn't seem to know what's up, it could be depression or a medical condition. In that case I'd bring in the professionals rather quickly so you can get to the bottom of it.


Good luck
-seahorse




sgtshelton233 said:


> Hello all. I am new and this is my first post. I need advice/input. I have been struggling for almost 6 years now. I could go on for hours and hours with details, but the bottom line is that my wife absolutely does not like being intimate with me. I can't lie and say we don't have sex probably more often than most married people, but it's ONLY because I instigate it. Basically my wife will "allow" me to have sex fairly often, but she NEVER wants sex. And half the time I can tell that it's a huge burden for her to "give" me sex. I have tried everything. We've went to a marriage counselor, I tried having civil discussions with her, we've split up, I've prayed....I don't know what else to do. We have two amazing children, age three and 5 months. I absolutely don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my children, and I love my wife more than anything. There is just a piece that is missing and has been missing for a LONG time. I do a lot around the house, I try to tend to her needs, but nothing seems to work. I would like some real world advice.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Please excuse me for replying twice in rapid succession..

Physical attraction is less likely the problem here unless you are significantly overweight. The most likely thing [at least in your situation] is emotional attraction. Ask plainly and then brace yourself for whatever comes back is my best advice. Emotional attraction includes things like assertiveness, leadership, pragmatism, confidence, initiative, ingenuity, etc. But it could also have nothing at all to do with you. That's why I say it's best to start by asking her to unload and then leave no stone unturned 


Good luck
-seahorse




sgtshelton233 said:


> "Have you read NMMNG, MMSLP, and the MAP?"
> 
> I'm not familiar with these. Can you direct me toward them, I would love to check it out. You think she's not attracted to me? Would it be physically or mentally? Thanks for the reply.


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## sgtshelton233 (May 30, 2014)

A lot of great response. Thank you all for taking your time and replying.

We actually sat down and had a big discussion over this. I told her some of the things that I've heard on here. Basically what it boils down to is that she just has a very under-active sex drive. She says she has always been like this. Which makes total sense since even friends have told me she never was a sexual type and plus she was like this when we met. Take her under-active sex drive and mix it with my over-active sex drive and it's a very bad combination. 

In response to the attraction issues, I 100% don't think that's the problem. I even straight up asked her and she said that is ABSOLUTELY not it and she is extremely attracted to me. Her answer to all of this is that she has mild depression even since she was younger. She talked to her doctor a while back about her sex drive and her doctor put her on a mild anti-depressant. It actually seemed to work a little, but then she stopped taking them. 

What we agreed to was this: I took a previous posters suggestion and told her that I would try to not get upset over her not wanting sex and maybe I could lessen my wants if she could agree to try a couple of times a week to get more into sex. She thought this was great advice.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What about treating her depression? You didn't know about this? Did it occur while you were married?

Usually antidepressants lower sex drive. What AD was she prescribed? There is one that has increased sex drive for some. I'm curious to know if that is what she was prescribed.

Look, a lot of people have these discussions and nothing but nothing changes so put any hope you have away. Stay realistic so that disappointment doesn't bite you. In fact I suggest you don't allow this big discussion to call of the table. Make discussing sex something that happens regularly, casually.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Forgot to ask - if the AD was working why did she stop talking them?


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