# My wife is heartless



## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

We recently found out that our niece (my brother?s daughter) has terminal cancer. Of course they?re going to do every kind of treatment possible including radiation & chemo and traveling to whoever offers the best treatment. They?re just devastated. A friend of theirs started a go fund me page to help cover expenses that go along with this. I came home from work today and told my wife about it. She got this sour look on her face and proceeded to question the need for it. She?s suddenly an expert on cancer because she read a blog of a parent in our area whose child unfortunately died of cancer. Anything I said the doctors said they needed to do ?wasn?t necessary? etc. I?m so tired of her ridiculous behavior I think she has some sort of personality disorder or something. I just walk away and take a shower. She then tells me that some friends of hers were talking about starting a go fund me for my niece and was all upbeat about it. Just really weird behavior. I don?t know.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

People initially react differently and later gain some empathy. Empathy is not always innate. It is often a learned response and reaction.

She likely saw the disgust on your face when she blurted out her question of the need for the go-fund idea.

If this is a one-off expression of coldness, I would let it go.

Some people are just wired different.


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## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Spitfire said:


> We recently found out that our niece (my brother?s daughter) has terminal cancer. Of course they?re going to do every kind of treatment possible including radiation & chemo and traveling to whoever offers the best treatment. They?re just devastated. A friend of theirs started a go fund me page to help cover expenses that go along with this. I came home from work today and told my wife about it. She got this sour look on her face and proceeded to question the need for it. She?s suddenly an expert on cancer because she read a blog of a parent in our area whose child unfortunately died of cancer. Anything I said the doctors said they needed to do ?wasn?t necessary? etc. I?m so tired of her ridiculous behavior I think she has some sort of personality disorder or something. I just walk away and take a shower. She then tells me that some friends of hers were talking about starting a go fund me for my niece and was all upbeat about it. Just really weird behavior. I don?t know.


Sorry to hear that. One of the things that I noticed about my wife (can't speak for everyone), is that her opinion is formed/swayed easily by her peers. So initially when she reacted like that, she probably 1) expressed general disdain for gofundme as attention seeking behavior 2) she was not a directly involved party even though she may have felt like she had some intellectual input in it 3) unhappy that you may have to financially contribute. I feel like the possible scenario for change in her attitude is that she contacted her friends who kind of reacted emotionally saying "awww that is so sad we should really help" and she formed a new opinion based on that. I've seen this happen where my wife had very strong opinion of something and after she talks about it with her friends, she has different opinion of it. For example she used to go ape**** with my smoking before married. She then met some smoker friends at work and after awhile decided that it's not that bad.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Your wife isn?t completely heartless, the part of her heart that cares about what her friends think of her is huge. 
She didn?t care to part with money to help your family, that part of her heart is lacking.
Her friends want to start a go fund me and now she?s exctited to help because of the social brownie points it gives her ego to show her friends that she?s soooooo caring. 
This need for social acceptance is hard for us guys to understand. I?ve come around to finally getting it after 18 years of marriage. 
She cares about what her friends think of her more than you know. She?s in a group think mentality and everything has to have acceptance and be socially uplifting. It?s stupid and immature and sadly many women are like this.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

A lot of good points. She?s definitely over the top when it comes to acceptance in her social group. She?ll grossly over exaggerate her work experience amongst volunteer groups to the point where I just have to laugh. She also patronizes friends while talking to them. My kids always tell her she?s ?cringe worthy?. I guess I?ll just deal with it for now.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

"GoFundMe" doesn't always inspire initial sympathies from me either. I feel my guard go up and my eyes rolling when I see that new term for potential abuse by users/liars. 

That being said, it's always the few jerks that ruin it for others, yes I do know that part, too. (and also yes, I have donated to some GoFundMe pages)

She probably took a minute to get past the words "GoFundMe" and then after the idea sank in (after you took a shower and her friends seemed okay with the idea of gofundme) that she was able to see it all with a more positive outlook. 

I'm going to give your wife the benefit of the doubt because I wasn't there to have the discussion with her nor do I know her, but think some people need time for things to sink in and adjust. If she's usually a nice/good person (I assume you must think so at least some of the time because you married her) then let it go. She will come around and be loyal to you and your family in the end.

Btw, sorry about your niece. Sending positive thoughts her way and hope she recovers quickly.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My mother had cancer. I have one friend and one relative lose very young children to cancer. Make no mistake, cancer treatment is torture. While I'd do anything to save a child that can be saved, I wouldn't donate a dime to fund the literal torture of a terminal child. 

She's not being ridiculous. She's just not helping pay to make the last months of a child's life absolute misery.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

JayDee7 said:


> Your wife isn?t completely heartless, the part of her heart that cares about what her friends think of her is huge.
> She didn?t care to part with money to help your family, that part of her heart is lacking.
> Her friends want to start a go fund me and now she?s exctited to help because of the social brownie points it gives her ego to show her friends that she?s soooooo caring.
> This need for social acceptance is hard for us guys to understand. I?ve come around to finally getting it after 18 years of marriage.
> She cares about what her friends think of her more than you know. She?s in a group think mentality and everything has to have acceptance and be socially uplifting. It?s stupid and immature and sadly many women are like this.


This isn't a sad, female character flaw. It's a gender neutral character flaw.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I too have an issue with the whole gofundme thing. I've see quite a few scams on there that I know some real details about. So I would have to take some time to think about anything on gofundme before I would donate. And I have donated in a few, very few situations.

I also a wonder about the benefits of the treatments, as MJJEAN said, cancer treatments can be real torture.

My take on our wife is that she had some real concerns to work through. She tried to share them with you. But you basically have a great dislike and distain for your wife. So you dismiss her concerns/thoughts. You don't accept that her thought process differs from yours.

I feel badly for your wife. It must be hard to be married to a man who dislikes her so much.

Since you don't like your wife, why don't you divorce her? Why do you want to be married to someone who you dislike?


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