# I cheated before marriage, she cheats once we are married...



## Caddy06 (Mar 9, 2013)

OK, so please bear with me...I'm new at this. I'm a married man for two years this month and we have been together for 6yrs total:smthumbup:. When we first started dating we just kind of did things together but no real commitments/titles in place. My job causes me to move around and travel a lot. So I made sure to let her know this up front. We started out like little high school love birds. We spent all day together when we could and the rest of the time we would send notes,call,text....some form of communication to each other just to say hey or thinking of you. Things were great! The only issue we really had was the fact that we lived 2hrs away from each other. In the beginning not a huge issue because you are getting to know each other. 

Two years go by with the weekend traveling back and forth to be with each other., before a major issue comes up. One night I went out with some friends and got home super late. I called my wife ( girlfriend at this time) to let her know I was home finally. She sounded different on the phone but said OK and I'm glad you made it home safe. We talked a while and then said our good nights on the phone. The following week she asked me about that night I went out and told her everything again , since we had already talked about it on the phone the week prior. She smiled and said I you should hang out more, you seem to have been more relaxed after the night out. I told her no, I went out because it was a going away for a coworker. Plus I'm not into the club scene anymore. So the weekend comes up and I go to check my phone for any emails and I see that my email box is already opened. I figured I forgot to close it so that's why my email alerts haven't been going off. Later on that night while we were at dinner she asked me the name of the coworker that left and I told her the name of the gentleman. She then asked me who is ********(female name). I told her it was another coworker that works in my computer dept. She asked me why did she send me an email at 3somethingish am that night we went out. I told her it was a work email and if she wants I will show it to her. She told me no, because she had already seen it but it seemed weird that she sent an email out that late when we had gone out. So I took a deep breath and explained to her that everyone didn't go out. We have 24hr coverage job wise and she was at work. I asked her if she goes through my phone all the time of just this time since I went out. She got mad and just walked off! I blew it off and said on well. The following week we have to go out of town for work and it's a few of us going to Las Vegas for a conference/show and tell demo. I offered to fly my wife (girlfriend) up for the week, but she said no because her company was going through a huge inspection. So I get to Vegas and we talk like we normally do, but one night the all of the coworkers decided to go and catch a movie. I agreed and we went to the late show. I told my wife (girlfriend) that we are heading to a movie and I will call her when I get out of the movie. Now at the movie, there are 12 of us including the lady from the computer dept. that caused an issue before. So we leave the movie, I call the wife(girlfriend) and tell her everything. Before I could tell her the good parts, she asked me did the lady from the computer dept. go also. I told her he's and she hangs up. I call back and she hangs up again. So now I'm getting a little upset. I call back and it goes to voicemail. I leave a message and press on with my night. We all go out to eat and I finally tell the computer lady what's going on with me and my wife(girlfriend). She tells me she is sorry that she caused and issue but we both are still confused on why. I get back to my room and the wife(girlfriend) calls me back finally. She tells me that the computer lady is not someone I should be Aron d because she has multiple male friends and she makes me look like I'm chasing her. I said you are crazy and not to worry it's not like that. We talk some more and she finally calms down. The following day...she is back at. Telling me I'm cheating on her and that she is going to call my boss. So I finally just said enough is enough. I'm done with you goodbye. I hang up and not even 10 seconds later the computer lady knocks on my door. She said she could hear me yelling asked if everything is ok. I tell her what the issue is and she offers to call her. I told her no because we are done so don't worry about it. Well she said let me take you to dinner and we can talk some. Long story short...I ended up staying in her room that night. 

We get back home the following day and I have 32 missed calls on m home phone from my wife(girlfriend) saying she is sorry and we can work this out. I call her and I asked her why didn't she call my cell and she told me because she didn't want to hear my voice at the time. So I tell her that she should have called me. We talk things over and make up. I never told her that I slept with the computer lady until the following day. She told me she didn't want to be wit me and we were done. I understood and let it go. A few months go by and she calls m back saying we should work things out. So we do and everything is great again! My family likes her, my friends, hell I love her! So we finally get married and my job has an opening I Italy that I get offered. I tell m wife and she says let's go for it. I tell them I want the spot and we get it! 

So we are here in Italy and things are good. Incredible scenery, food is great, the weather is perfect. Well being here in Italy I have to travel even more. So one day I'm backing my back when my wife's phone email alert goes off. I tell her that her phone just went off and she said OK she will check it once she gets out of the shower. Well it goes off 8 more times in less than two minutes. So I check to make sure it's not a family emergency for her. Well to my surprise it's a message from an old flame saying he loves her too and that they should really meet up. I'm PISSED, but I hold it in. My job is super important and I need to be mentally good or people might get hurt. So I didn't say anything until I got back home. I asked her to show me her Facebook page and email account. She looks at me like why....so I tell her and she tries to act like it was nothing. I tell her about the past incident I had and how she acted. So then she breaks down and tells me she is sorry and that it didn't mean anything. So I ask her did she still love him...she said no, so I asked her why did she say it and she says because it was someone she was in love with, but not like that anymore. 

So here we are now not trusting each other at all. She checks my phone, emails and post office box all the time. She says it's because she thinks I'm going to cheat but I think it's because she feels like she has to find something to prove that her emotional online affair was valid. 
So....what should I do?? I love her, but I shouldn't have to feel like I'm on egg shells for the Rest of my life. I don't have any friends, other than my family. I feel like I want a divorce but then I feel like I'm giving up...any help would help.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did she actually tell you that she cheated before the marriage ? When did this affair start

Also, you don't have one percent of her story. She was paranoid about you cheating because she was probably doing it herself. But you just don't have proof. Cheaters project their own deceit heavily on their spouses and this is what happened to you. Her affair wasn't something just online. 

You are Mr.Backup. Some she settled for. Be careful trusting her with the rest of your life, your kids and finances.



> So I ask her did she still love him...she said no, so I asked her why did she say it and she says because it was someone she was in love with, but not like that anymore.


So you realize how ridiculous her reasoning sounds ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And put a keylogger on the computer she uses and try to recover deleted texts from her phone(If you cannot, try bluffing her so she will confess more). The worse is yet to come


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## Caddy06 (Mar 9, 2013)

No she didn't before marriage, I did. Yes I see your point on the answer also...question is do we work it out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Only you can answer if you want to work it out. 

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read and will tell you what both of you need to do to rebuild the marriage.

Does your wife have a job right now? Or is she staying home?


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## Caddy06 (Mar 9, 2013)

I will pick it up.

She working part time, but keeps to herself a lot still.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Her isolation and you being gone much of the time is apparently not working for her. I am not excusing what she's done. She is 100% responsible for what she's done. But some people just do not do alone very well.

Does she at least speak Italian so she can start to meet people? 


How long are you gone on these trips of yours?


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## Caddy06 (Mar 9, 2013)

I agree and we have both talked about it, before we arrived here and while we have been here. I know its rough on her and I even asked her if she wants to go back to the US to see family and relax a while. She said no because we are here together.

She speaks the Italian and she has 40 other american families to interact with but just doesn't. I try to get her out the house as often as possible but she always says she isn't into them.

Depends but 3-4 days. The longest would be 2weeks.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

My guess is neither of you were ready for marriage. Maybe get a divorce and go back to dating, see if you still want to be together, without the legal binding contract of marriage. You now both have your masks off, and are likely seeing each other for the first time. Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Caddy06 said:


> I agree and we have both talked about it, before we arrived here and while we have been here. I know its rough on her and I even asked her if she wants to go back to the US to see family and relax a while. She said no because we are here together.
> 
> She speaks the Italian and she has 40 other american families to interact with but just doesn't. I try to get her out the house as often as possible but she always says she isn't into them.
> 
> Depends but 3-4 days. The longest would be 2weeks.


How old are the two of you?

She should be able to do 3-4 days at a time. It's important is to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things that you enjoy together.

I wonder why she's reluctant to socialize with people. Did you see her in her own environment before you married her? Did she have friends she did things with? Or did she primarily only have male friends?

Do the two of you skype when you are traveling?


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## Caddy06 (Mar 9, 2013)

@ ill will, I have thought about it but I don't want to be someone that just gave up when things seemed rough. Now don't get it twisted I understand your point and I will just take some time to see....


@EleGirl, we are in our 30's. We spend 80% of our day together everyday. She works right down the street from me so we do lunch together a lot. We also try to workout in the am together before work.

I was around her and her friends a handful of times, but she always seem to just so no to hanging out a lot. She has a few female friends but mostly just her family is who she talks to or deals with.

We Skype/face time each other a lot when I'm gone.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Caddy, I don't view leaving a cheater as quitting. Also, I'm not saying end the relationship, I just think you do not need to be married. Take a break, with a clear understanding of who you both really are. Because I do not think you two knew each other well enough for marriage, or maybe it's a maturity issue. Take away the obligation of marriage and then if you find your way back to each other...


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## Caddy06 (Mar 9, 2013)

@ill will, thanks and what you are saying makes since. The problem is that she feels I'm trying to leave her when I said we should take a break. I got her a ticket to go home and she said no because if she leaves I'm going to cheat. So for about three days we didn't talk at all...it was crazy. Also she left her great paying job to be here with me...so I feel like a lot of this is my fault.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You didn't cheat on your gf at the time. You had broke it off and stated you were done. I consider that as a break up. Technically you did not cheat on your gf(now wife) at that time. You were not even engaged at the time.

Your wife had an affair on you. Cheating is a deal breaker for many. She seems very emotionally unstable and controlling as well. 

I personally would move on once that trust is broken.


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## Caddy06 (Mar 9, 2013)

@iminlovewithmyhubby, you are right...I'm just getting insight from people outside my family and friends. When you're in love you push things to the side, but I just found out that I have a new move coming up to Asia...so now I'm really thinking it's time to just move on. I just want to make sure you will make it on her own...


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You seem like a good guy, but she is not your child. She is a adult. She has to lead her own life. Never stay with someone out of pity.


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## Caddy06 (Mar 9, 2013)

@ill will, she is and I'm trying to cut loose...but still she is my wife/friend that I feel I need to help. We will see...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You both did really stupid, hurtful things.


> "Hey! My wife thinks I am having an affair!" Why Don't I *really* have an affair? *That'll* teach her!"


Oh, wait! That was my thinking behind my idiotic revenge affair! Sorry, must have got my idiotic, stupid disrespectful thought processes confused with yours!

Or was that part of your thinking, too?:scratchhead: 

Your scenario is like my wife and me, but in reverse.

And we are still together (24 years, now) so you can work through this, I hope.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You really haven't explained what she did and what she is doing to get over it. Doesn't really sound like you love her that much. What does she think about moving to Asia?

She obviously doesn't trust you. Looks like there is more to this than you are telling.


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## Caddy06 (Mar 9, 2013)

@ MattMatt, no...I didnt have some inner revenge thoughts. I just said it was over and I decided to sleep with her after having to many drinks. Not using it as an excuse, just the truthful insight.
Im glad ya'll worked it out...I'm trying to but we will see. Thank you for the good luck words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caddy06 (Mar 9, 2013)

chapparal said:


> You really haven't explained what she did and what she is doing to get over it. Doesn't really sound like you love her that much. What does she think about moving to Asia?
> 
> She obviously doesn't trust you. Looks like there is more to this than you are telling.


@ Chapparal, she told another person that she had feelings for that she loved him...missed him, nothing physical that I know of but I have a feeling there is more. She doesn't trust me, but thats from the mistake before marriage. She thinks Asia will be great, but we will see. Also i love her, just confused and hurt. She is trying by talking but again just seeing if Im looking at this in the wrong way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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