# life changing decision to make by thursday



## Sii (Sep 28, 2009)

I am currently separated from my wife and 4 yr old son, and have been for 4 months, this came about after our marriage began to break down due to interfering grand parent's on the wife's side. The wife is from a very close family where she allows her mother to make all of her decisions. things became so bad, i was ranked 5th in my own house. this being our son, her mother and father, herself then me. Any important decision that was to be made went through her parents first and only then was i told of the out come.
I ended up having an affair of which is now out in the open and has caused a great deal of pain for both sides. I know this isn't right but it happened.

I have received a great deal of grief from the in-law's making spurious allegations to the police and my family members, they have interfered with various accounts and published abusive messages about me over the internet, and have attempted to delete all photo's of my son and I together.
Now i bet people are sitting there thinking well, you got what you deserve for cheating on your wife so i think it only fair to tell you the reason why, this is honest as i have no reason to lie as i want honest reply's back.
Late last year i discovered that my wife had booked to go and have an abortion without consulting or even telling me about her pregnancy, i found out on the morning she was booked to go in. At this time i was not having a relationship with another woman but things had not been right between us due to the in-laws constant interfering in our lives.

My affair started some months later when i felt there was nothing left in our relationship, i love my son more than anything else in the world but i just didn't want him to suffer the constant falling out and unhappiness in the house.

Please don't get me wrong, i know two wrongs don't male a right.
The wife has explained that she realizes that we have both made mistakes with our 13yr relationship but wishes to make a go of it again, but i don't see any way back with everything that has happened so far. I have seen the woman i had the affair with on a number of occasions and i do have feelings for her as well.

So after all that i have to make a decision by thursday of wether my wife and i go our separate ways or we start on the very long road to putting things back together. At the present time i feel i would be only going back for our sons sake and surely that isn't the right thing to do and will all this be brought up every time things go wrong. I know i will never be forgiven by any of her family.

Ive tried to look at this from both sides but if Im honest i really don't know what to do, there is a lot more to this but ive tried to make it a brief as possible.
Thanks for reading


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Objectively?

If you and your wife have made no effort whatsoever to reconnect, acknowledge the issues, or indicate a willingness to work through those issues then what's the point?

You suspect that she had an affair that included a pregnancy. Has she verified or taken ownership that this in fact what occured? Assuming you know that she did have an affair, but she won't take ownership of it - do you still want to go back? Does she want you back, knowing that you are with someone else?

It doesn't sound like the dynamic or relationship with her family may ever change. Under the current circumstances, you certainly won't be able to influence it.

Two sheets of paper, two colums each
On one sheet list benefits and drawbacks if you stay
on the other list benefits and drawbacks for leaving.

Odds are, one of those lists is going to be substantially longer than the other. It's emotional, regardless of what you choose.

Why the deadline btw? Who is imposing that?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I may be a tad slow, but at what point did you state the abortion was a bi-product of an affair? I know Deejo wrote that, but is that so? For me it would be easier to forgive an affair than the abortion of my child. In all honesty my interpretation of your account was that she aborted your child. Killing my kid would definitely be a deal breaker. Everything after that is small/smaller potatoes... even your affair. I wish you wisdom in your decision. LIL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I may have mis-interpreted. I am hard-pressed to believe that any woman that wanted to save her marriage _wouldn't_ tell her husband that she was pregnant with _their_ child. Her having an abortion without making him aware of what she was doing, I find more egregious and bizarre than if she had the abortion to hide an affair.


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## Sii (Sep 28, 2009)

Thanks for the two replies, Sorry i tried to explain so much in such a small amount, I dont believe my wife had been involved in an affair however when challenged about her secrecy she stated that she was trying to protect me from the pain that would be caused.
I just cant understand why she had to lie about it all, i have always been approachable about anything.

Im sure if i had known and it had been discussed there would have been a rational approach but it was the fact that i was being lied to about such an important event. 

We have been to counciling but the wife now feels that the female councilor is judging her in reference to the abortion and is only addressing the issues about how her family have made all the decisions for her. 
The wife has stated that she wants me back and it is her who has put this deadline on me to make this decision. i can and do understand why as we have been separated for the past 3 months, i suppose 3 months is longe enought for someone to make a decision like this.
I know if i was to fold and move back i would be controlled for the rest of my days with her and i know there will always be that little friendly chat from one of her family members when ever i was caught on my own. 
I just feel so guilty about my son, He hasnt done anything to deserve any of this and he does deserve to have his dad looking after him and be there for the rest of his life. 
I try all the time to be a good dad, showing my son patiants and care, being there to pick up the peices with him when things dont go as he expects, dont get me wrong i'm no pushover but im loving and caring with him showing him disapline at the same time.
I have spoke to many people about this situation but i of all people understand there are two sides to every story.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sii, I recognize that we can't get a couple's life-story in perspective from a couple of posts, but I am going to infer, based upon the behavior that you outline, that your wife is pretty damaged. 

There's a damn good reason why the counselor wants to focus on the impact of her family on her life and her decision to have the abortion. Do they know? 

Timeframes are crap. You deciding by Thursday whether or not you are going home will fix absolutely nothing.

What are you going to change to make your marriage better?
What is she going to change? 

You don't lose anything by going home. Although I don't really get the impression that you gain anything either.

Have you, are you dumping the other woman?


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