# I am devastated, I will do anything to get her back



## JBC

I would like to think of my wife's and my marriage as different than other peoples. We have been married for 10 years and together for 20 years. She has recently discover that I have stepped out on her a half a dozen times in the past dozen years. I have gone through all the stages of grief, denial, blame, anger, sadness and am stuck in sadness because after 2 weeks she still hates me and wants a divorce a.s.a.p. I know I messed up, there are plenty of reasons why, more to the story, etc. I am wondering if she will ever get past the anger stage and if there is anything I can do to try to get her back. I always knew I loved her but I never knew what this would feel like, the pain is unbearable, it is all I can think about 24/7, my work is suffering, it is a nightmare. I can tell more of the story if anyone wants to know and maybe has advice.


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## SunnyT

If you've "stepped out" on her over the years.....then your marriage was a sham. She is gone. You OWE her a divorce. IF you love her, and are sick over everything, then the kind loving thing to do is to let her go. Besides, you cannot stop her. Let her go.


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## 225985

She is STILL mad after two weeks. Tell her she needs counseling to get over it.


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## 225985

Sure, tell us the details.


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## *Deidre*

You've had six affairs in ten years?

What you need to do is get into counseling yourself, and honestly, you might not be the marrying kind. There is no shame in admitting that you're not cut out for monogamy. If you do wish to be in an exclusive relationship, then you have to figure out what it is that needs fixing inside of yourself. You should let your wife do what she will, because to beg and plead with her kind of looks selfish on your part. Work on yourself, and if your relationship is meant to be, it will be.


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## JBC

It all started 11 years ago when I found out she had cheated on me, I always watched a lot of porn, probably too much but one of the guys she cheated on me with was from online, so my intentions were to go online to bust her still doing it, online was the worst experience because I then started getting catfished by people I didn't know if it was her or not, such as "cam girls for $" (I never did that), escorts for money (I never did that either although she bets I did), gay guys (didn't do), real girls who were using fake pics, fat girls, old women, real girls who wouldn't meet up, but then there was like 1 out 1000 that I got weak and met up with, I saw her again about 2 months later and that was it for about 2 years, then the cycle started up again.


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## JBC

I wouldn't call them affairs, more like one night stands. We fought a lot and I always felt justified due to me being angry at her for her fighting plus she cheated on me before and after the marriage. But I have come to realize it is my fault for taking her back each time, it's not about her mistakes, it's about mine. At first I was mad that she was being a hypocrite and had double standards, but she has told me she hasn't in over 5 years even though I could of sworn she still was, that she was beyond happy and thought I was too, thinking about the finality of it all I realized that yes, even though the fighting was still occurring that yes I was more happy than ever as well, I was still online chatting with girls but I really had no fear of meeting up since the ratio was always 999 to 1 of anything happening, last time it happened was about a year ago. I know wish more than anything to get back together, I was blind now I see. I hate myself for hurting her/us.


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## Yosemite

JBC said:


> there was like 1 out 1000 that I got weak and met up with, I saw her again about 2 months later and that was it for about 2 years, then the cycle started up again.


Where do you get the time?


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## JBC

I'd go online once or twice a week and just reply generic messages to all, then watch porn and call it a day.


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## Yosemite

You could run seminars for time management. Seriously.


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## JBC

why come online to troll suffering people, to make yourself feel bigger?


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## Yosemite

My shrink asked me the same question.


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## 225985

1000 to 1 odds that you happened to hit six times? You are very lucky or you screened 6000 women. 

Ok, you want help. How did your stbxw find out about your six cheats. And why did you stay with her after she cheated on you both before and after the wedding?


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## EleGirl

You held on to your anger at her cheating for years.

Why do you expect her to get over your cheating in 2 weeks?

It takes most people 2 to 5 years to heal from being cheated on.

The two of you sound like peas in a pod. Maybe you both should go to counseling to figure out how to quit hurting each other.


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## JBC

blueinbr said:


> 1000 to 1 odds that you happened to hit six times? You are very lucky or you screened 6000 women.
> 
> Ok, you want help. How did your stbxw find out about your six cheats. And why did you stay with her after she cheated on you both before and after the wedding?


screened probably 10k women. she found out by seeing my activity on computer. I stayed with her because of her reasoning, I loved her, and I guess I didn't care as much as I would of if she would of left me for one of them, I didn't really care about the sexual activities as much as I hated that she was starting to develop feelings for one of them.


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## JBC

EleGirl said:


> You held on to your anger at her cheating for years.
> 
> Why do you expect her to get over your cheating in 2 weeks?
> 
> It takes most people 2 to 5 years to heal from being cheated on.
> 
> The two of you sound like peas in a pod. Maybe you both should go to counseling to figure out how to quit hurting each other.


Yes very messed up relationship yet the part that worked was how I am feeling now, the love. It was true, truer than I could of ever imagined now that she is gone. I am wondering if there are any ways to get her back.


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## aine

JBC said:


> I would like to think of my wife's and my marriage as different than other peoples. We have been married for 10 years and together for 20 years. She has recently discover that I have stepped out on her a *half a dozen times in the past dozen years*. I have gone through all the stages of grief, denial, blame, anger, sadness and am stuck in sadness because a*fter 2 weeks she still hates me *and wants a divorce a.s.a.p. I know *I messed up*, there are *plenty of reasons why*, more to the story, etc. I am wondering if she will ever get past the anger stage and if there is anything I can do to try to get her back. I always knew I loved her but I never knew what this would feel like, the pain is unbearable, it is all I can think about 24/7, my work is suffering, it is a nightmare. I can tell more of the story if anyone wants to know and maybe has advice.


Sounds to me, if you really loved her you wouldn't 'have stepped out' as you so mildly put it.

You are minimising what you have done. You have put a nuke under your wife and your marriage and blown it to hell, face up to what you have done, own it and face the **** storm like a man.

"After 2 weeks she still hates me"....God man, listen to yourself, you have no clue what you have actually done. Until you do, there is no hope for you, you are bloodly clueless and your wife should run as far as she can, I hope she proceeds with the divorce asap.

Go find and pay for a therapist to see why you think it was ok to do what you did and now are in 'denial, blaming, etc' you created the mess, now deal with it.

To add: she cheated, you cheated, neither of you trust the other. Your marriage is dead. Work on yourself to be someone better, stop the porn, the online sites, etc. Get a new life and move on.


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## aine

blueinbr said:


> She is STILL mad after two weeks. Tell her she needs counseling to get over it.


Wow, how dare she be mad a whole two weeks for what her partner of 20 years has done for 12 years.....shame on her!


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