# She doesn't know I know she cheated



## confused2021 (Jan 6, 2021)

I don't know what to do the past 2 weeks have been fine. I know for a fact she cheated but not sexual, just kissing and emotional. She doesn't know that I know. I don't know what too do or how to approach it without starting a fight. I do not feel like she is still talking to him but he is among our group of friends who hangs out with us and I feel like a dumb ass knowing. Any feedback would be appreciated.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

How do you know for a fact, what evidence do you have? Why are you worried about it starting a fight? Why not just lay out your evidence and confront her?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

You are in a good spot, don't let on what you know, gather more evidence and put it in a secure place. Make sure you have an airtight case so she does not have a chance to convince you it never happened.

Also kissing is sex she can get oral HPV from kissing the OM, then it gets passed on to you and you get oral or throat cancer years from now. Chances are if they kissed then sex is not far behind.

If the OM has a wife or girl friend they will also need to be told, and presented with the evidence as well.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

The first thing you should do is to figure out what you want. Do you want to keep this relationship? Do you want to divorce? After you figure out what you want then you can figure out how to get there.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Here is some reading material. Remember passive men seem to get cheated on all the time.









Those who move through it with action.


So one of my last post got me thinking about the post where people successfully moved on from the people who cheated on them and seem to be better off. My contention is that swift action even if it is years later helps with healing. I thought I would like a few. If you know other please...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Not saying you have to divorce but the more consequences you can give her and the stronger you respond the better chance you have, that is if she still want it, and if she doesn't you are better off without her.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Sorry you are here.

I presume you are married, if so how long - do you have kids, if so approx. ages - is this the first such disloyalty?

Be careful not to identify yourself but a little more info. could mean more helpful replies.


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## confused2021 (Jan 6, 2021)

confused2021 said:


> I don't know what to do the past 2 weeks have been fine. I know for a fact she cheated but not sexual, just kissing and emotional. She doesn't know that I know. I don't know what too do or how to approach it without starting a fight. I do not feel like she is still talking to him but he is among our group of friends who hangs out with us and I feel like a dumb ass knowing. Any feedback would be appreciated.





happyhusband0005 said:


> How do you know for a fact, what evidence do you have? Why are you worried about it starting a fight? Why not just lay out your evidence and confront her?


Text Messages, and we have been getting along so good for the past 2 weeks I do not want to start anything.


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## confused2021 (Jan 6, 2021)

TAMAT said:


> You are in a good spot, don't let on what you know, gather more evidence and put it in a secure place. Make sure you have an airtight case so she does not have a chance to convince you it never happened.
> 
> Also kissing is sex she can get oral HPV from kissing the OM, then it gets passed on to you and you get oral or throat cancer years from now. Chances are if they kissed then sex is not far behind.
> 
> If the OM has a wife or girl friend they will also need to be told, and presented with the evidence as well.


No they are single


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## confused2021 (Jan 6, 2021)

cp3o said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> I presume you are married, if so how long - do you have kids, if so approx. ages - is this the first such disloyalty?
> 
> Be careful not to identify yourself but a little more info. could mean more helpful replies.


Yes Married 1 kids. As far as I know this is the first.


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## confused2021 (Jan 6, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Here is some reading material. Remember passive men seem to get cheated on all the time.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Just hard after 20 years.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

confused2021 said:


> Text Messages, and we have been getting along so good for the past 2 weeks I do not want to start anything.


Your wife cheated and you don't want to start anything? What is the reason for your apprehension? Have you done some bad things in the past and feel you have no moral ground to stand on? Letting it slide only means more and escalating cheating in the future.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

confused2021 said:


> Just hard after 20 years.


We all know, it's brutal. But you will survive this and be OK.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

confused2021 said:


> Yes Married 1 kids. As far as I know this is the first.


My instinct is to say that you should avoid confrontation and seek more info. 

Does she work?

What opportunity does she have to meet this guy?

Whatever you do - don't be weak - don't try to compete with him - you can't win. Even if she values you at 9 out of 10 and him at 3 out of 10 - 12 is better than either 9 or 3. And if you pay her the same compliments as him, buy her the same flowers as him etc. etc. yours will be seen as her due whilst his are "special" because "You have to but he doesn't".

Hopefully you don't and won't have a problem that persists/develops. When. as I suspect you must, you need to address this it is best done from a position of strength - and knowledge is power.

In the meantime - do not, under any circumstances disclose what you know or, even more important, how. Text is not the usual method by which experienced cheats communicate - don't risk pushing them onto other platforms which are invisible to you. If there is a possibility of telephone conversations (at home/when she's driving) between them a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) may be appropriate. 

For the moment - Trust, but verify may be the best option?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you are this frightened of losing your wife when she is a known cheater, it will be difficult to help you. The only thing that might actually solve this is if you went nuclear and actually intended to divorce your wife. She would immediately (if she still loved you) would be scared silly and the shock of losing you might snap her out of the land of unicorns and rainbows she feels she is in when she’s making love to the other man. 
Begging and pleading, sticking your head in the sand, confronting her with no consequences—— this will lead to her losing what little respect for you she still has, and she will head the other direction and walk all over you in the way out.

Advice: do or say nothing until you’ve gotten the resolve to leave her forever. She might see some strength and it might scare her into second guessing her infidelity and it’s consequences.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

confused2021 said:


> Just hard after 20 years.


I hadn't seen this when I replied above. 

Your kid may be older? - Old enough to be close to moving out on their own?

20 years suggests you are in your 40s. I finally dumped my cheating wife when I was 46. Now at 73 I have been in a good, stable relationship for 25 years and have no regrets. Life is good, even though the first couple years were difficult and sometimes scary. 

If you aren't already - get fit, and look fit (not the same thing). New haircut? New wardrobe? If there is no problem you will benefit physically and mentally - if you have to D it will stand you in good stead for future relationships.


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## confused2021 (Jan 6, 2021)

cp3o said:


> I hadn't seen this when I replied above.
> 
> Your kid may be older? - Old enough to be close to moving out on their own?
> 
> ...


Thanks CP


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## confused2021 (Jan 6, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> If you are this frightened of losing your wife when she is a known cheater, it will be difficult to help you. The only thing that might actually solve this is if you went nuclear and actually intended to divorce your wife. She would immediately (if she still loved you) would be scared silly and the shock of losing you might snap her out of the land of unicorns and rainbows she feels she is in when she’s making love to the other man.
> Begging and pleading, sticking your head in the sand, confronting her with no consequences—— this will lead to her losing what little respect for you she still has, and she will head the other direction and walk all over you in the way out.
> 
> Advice: do or say nothing until you’ve gotten the resolve to leave her forever. She might see some strength and it might scare her into second guessing her infidelity and it’s consequences.


Thanks I appreciate the Help And YES she would act like she has all the strength.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

You mentioned things have been good the last 2 weeks. What's your relationship been like the last couple of years?

Do either of you travel for work?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

confused2021 said:


> I don't know what to do the past 2 weeks have been fine. I know for a fact she cheated but not sexual, just kissing and emotional. She doesn't know that I know. *I don't know what too do or how to approach it without starting a fight. *I do not feel like she is still talking to him but he is among our group of friends who hangs out with us and I feel like a dumb ass knowing. Any feedback would be appreciated.


You’re lost bud. She’s your wife and you’re afraid to make her mad for cheating on you.
Why? Do you have so little self worth?

I have news for you. You are better than her. If you don’t stand up for yourself this is gonna get a lot worse quick.

Do yourself a big favor and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover it’s a free pdf and short.
Do it now!!!!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> You’re lost bud. She’s your wife and you’re afraid to make her mad for cheating on you.
> Why? Do you have so little self worth?
> 
> I have news for you. You are better than her. If you don’t stand up for yourself this is gonna get a lot worse quick.
> ...



Exactly why don't you think you are worthy of loyalty after 20 years? Why don't you think you are worth honesty after you have given you life to this women? Why are you worried about her being man and not being mad as hell yourself?

Passive people are bullied and taken advantage of. Please stop this and stand up for yourself. Not just your marriage or your wife but your whole life will be better for it.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

This happened to me. She didn’t know I knew. I had her served when she was checking in to their little weekend getaway 

I’m telling you have her served was incredibly beneficial to me. I believe it helped me heal a great deal as I was in control of the situation and I was not giving up that control.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

confused2021 said:


> I don't know what to do the past 2 weeks have been fine. I know for a fact she cheated but *not sexual, just kissing and emotional.* She doesn't know that I know. I don't know what too do or how to approach it without starting a fight. I do not feel like she is still talking to him but he is among our group of friends who hangs out with us and I feel like a dumb ass knowing. Any feedback would be appreciated.


Sorry mate. But that is:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused2021 said:


> Text Messages, and we have been getting along so good for the past 2 weeks I do not want to start anything.


Why in the world would you NOT want to start anything, as you put it?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

confused2021 said:


> Text Messages, and we have been getting along so good for the past 2 weeks I do not want to start anything.


She already started it. You're not getting along nearly as good as you think you are, it's just an illusion. 

You need to finish this.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You are clearly afraid of her. Why?

I couldn't live with myself one freaking day if some dude in my social circle was canoodling with my wife. 

Gather your proof so that she can't refute it.

Then grow some balls and blow this up.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

so for the sake of peace you would rugsweep her transgressions, so when you get together with the guy she kissed/groped and look like the perfect fool. then i wish you well


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

OP - I am also confused as to why you are not wanting to bring this up with your wife? This is a huge issue in itself.

Are you trying to decide what you want to do before talking about it?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

OP- I think you hear what advice you're being given. Whether you put the current evidence together and confront now or wait a brief period to do some digging and find out if there is more you don't know, you have to confront with evidence. Just letting it slide for peace just means it WILL happen again and most likely escalate. If a person gets away with any kind of transgression they are likely to repeat it and escalate it in the future. 

You have to be strong and decisive, she has to believe with zero doubt you are at least considering divorcing her over this. If your wishy washy and weak she will see that weak and will tell her she can get away with cheating if she wants to. Don't bury your head in the sand and believe this was just a one time mistake that she will not repeat. If you're going to forgive and work on the marriage it needs to be under your terms with her fully understanding she has to work hard fix this and any future cheating of any kind will result in immediate divorce filing.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, have a PI investigate her -- you will find out what you need to know (it may have aleady GONE full physical, and if it hasn't and you DON'T confront it surely will if they have already been kissing).
You can then just put the report in front of her so that she can't gaslight you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I have a friend whose wife cheated on him for over 6 months. During that time she was the "perfect" wife. Taking care of the house, more attentive to him at home, even increased and more adventurous sex. She did all this to try to keep him happy and in the dark while she would slip away on "shopping trips" and meet her affair partner at a motel. He only found out when the AP's wife caught them and contacted him.

So keeping your knowledge to yourself because you have been getting along "great" for 2 weeks is nuts.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I can't understand why you would want to stay in a relationship where your spouse disrespects you, regardless of how smoothly things are going. Would you drive a Mercedes on the highway with its gas gauge on empty?


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

confused2021 said:


> I don't know what to do the past 2 weeks have been fine. I know for a fact she cheated but not sexual, just kissing and emotional. She doesn't know that I know. I don't know what too do or how to approach it without starting a fight. I do not feel like she is still talking to him but he is among our group of friends who hangs out with us and I feel like a dumb ass knowing. Any feedback would be appreciated.


Start by asking for a heart to heart convo about the status of your relationship. Are there any issues she wants to discuss. If she comes clean then deal with that. if she does not then inform her you have some issues you have to sort through. Also who knows in your circle and is this guy still in that circle?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Since she's married, a kiss is a big deal because it's very intimate and generally reserved only for someone she cares about deeply.

Studies of couples that experienced infidelity found that the 'kiss' (not just a peck on the cheek) was the last boundary that once crossed - the next step (at the next opporuntity) was adultery. 

If she even suspects you're reluctant to divorce (for any reason) then she won't take you serious. You need to convince her that you have all the information you need to divorce. And she needs to see you moving toward the door. Meet with an attorney (the first hour is often free), separate bank accounts, sleep in another room and stop being her buddy/friend.

Since she created this mess, only she can fix it. Among other things, she needs to rebuild your trust and prove to you that she's a safe life partner and will not repeat with the OM or someone else later. 

As a 'cheater' she has not right to ask you to trust her.

Finally, kissing the OM sexualized their friendship. Consequently, she has to do whatever is needed to have 100% no contact with him (not even seeing him across the room).


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