# Dysfunctional alcohol dependent wife



## Detatchedfromlove

me & my wife are both 40 & have been together for just over 24 years,just over 18 years married with children aged 14-23, only 2 left at home with us now. my wife started to drink just over 16 years ago & quickly became alcohol dependent. there has been some life threatening abuse inflicted in the family home with consistent physiological verbal abuse, along with manipulation etc to the point I have developed a anxiety depressive disorder amongst other things as well as the children have too, why have I stayed so long & put up with so much if I’d of known the consequences would have been this severe for all involved me trying to fix things as only made things worse & harder as well as longer, there seems to off been a massive shift in connection over the last 2 years where I have near completely given up I have started to get through life in my own way without involving my wife & im the only 1 who has kept things together eg school, meal times, childrens upbringing, bills etc. things are massively dysfunctional in all areas of home life & worse since I gave up. she just doesn’t seem to care about any of us. I’ve had to fight tooth and nail for any kind of affection from her only to be left feeling humiliated hurting low & worthless to the point I’ve become numb & full of pain. she would say we can have sex if I let her have her own way but only to be told we now can’t have sex to the point I agreed for her to have sex with someone in front of me so she didn’t cheat as I have caught her several times trying too. We haven’t touched in just over 2 years & the last time we did it felt awful like we had just slept with a sibling (both our words) I have tried till I’m blue in the face to speak with her about how I feel & what problems I feel we have only to be told she doesn’t care & isn’t willing to talk about them. I’ve been put down in all different ways image size personality etc but seem to get quite a lot of women saying the complete opposite to what she tells me. she won’t let me anywhere near her no hugs no kissing but will do these things with people she does & doesn’t even know. I want nothing more than to let go but can’t seem to see any sort of future with out her. I feel like I’m letting her down even though she openly says she doesn’t want me in the relationship kind off way just here to care for her & if I go she will end her life which she is already heavily scared from vigorous self harm to the point where she needed emergency care but I’m left feeling lonely & empty. I recently started what I think was an emotional affair with a friend I’ve known for several years lots of morning texts good night texts with some in between we met up 2 times but no touching or anything like that I have said to my lady friend that I need time out from this as it’s making me feel guilty & so I’m able to concentrate on hopefully finding a way out of this torturous nightmare of a baron marriage but speaking with her made me feel wanted & cared for now I’m back feeling low again but why do I feel so bad for wanting out why can’t I just leave what’s wrong with me codependency maybe. we have had lots of agencies work with us although my wife wasn’t interested & didn’t really participate in many. There is so much more I could list but it will honestly go on for hours. I just need some solid truthful advice as to where & what direction to go in thank you in advance


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## Detatchedfromlove

My wife wakes up around 11:00 am each day & every day all year round she sits silently watching tv playing on her phone until around 3pm when she opens her 1st can of 5% beer she now only drinks 8-10 cans a day it was almost double this before. But has been controlled by myself as to help me safe guard our children & home either way it’s still controlling & I think that’s abuse on my part which doesn’t help


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## jonty30

Detatchedfromlove said:


> My wife wakes up around 11:00 am each day & every day all year round she sits silently watching tv playing on her phone until around 3pm when she opens her 1st can of 5% beer she now only drinks 8-10 cans a day it was almost double this before. But has been controlled by myself as to help me safe guard our children & home either way it’s still controlling & I think that’s abuse on my part which doesn’t help


There isn't much you can do to help the other person. They have to want to change.


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## Prodigal

Detatchedfromlove said:


> ...has been controlled by myself as to help me safe guard our children & home either way it’s still controlling & I think that’s abuse on my part which doesn’t help


Okay. Posting on a different sub-forum here and asking the same old same old. So, let's try this one more time.

Yes, you ARE codependent. To begin with, you have no business interfering in her addiction. Want to keep your children safe? Leave and take them with you. Your wife is an unfit parent. 

She "only" drinks 8-10 cans of 5% beer? C'mon, dude, she's DRUNK. You aren't controlling crap. Step 1: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." YOUR life is unmanageable. Why? Because you are too damn busy attempting to control an alcoholic. And it's not working. You're a mess. I'm sure your kids are a mess, too.

The emotional affair is your way of incorrectly coping with the alcoholic in your life. You aren't solving the situation at hand; in fact, you are avoiding it. See what the first step means when it says our lives had become unmanageable.

If your wife wants to end her life, that's her choice. My guess is it's just a drunk manipulating you. So stay and continue to be manipulated, along with your mess of a life. YOUR life. YOUR choice. Seriously.


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## Detatchedfromlove

Prodigal said:


> Okay. Posting on a different sub-forum here and asking the same old same old. So, let's try this one more time.
> 
> Yes, you ARE codependent. To begin with, you have no business interfering in her addiction. Want to keep your children safe? Leave and take them with you. Your wife is an unfit parent.
> 
> She "only" drinks 8-10 cans of 5% beer? C'mon, dude, she's DRUNK. You aren't controlling crap. Step 1: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." YOUR life is unmanageable. Why? Because you are too damn busy attempting to control an alcoholic. And it's not working. You're a mess. I'm sure your kids are a mess, too.
> 
> The emotional affair is your way of incorrectly coping with the alcoholic in your life. You aren't solving the situation at hand; in fact, you are avoiding it. See what the first step means when it says our lives had become unmanageable.
> 
> If your wife wants to end her life, that's her choice. My guess is it's just a drunk manipulating you. So stay and continue to be manipulated, along with your mess of a life. YOUR life. YOUR choice. Seriously.


My previous post was more in regards to venting & the abuse this question is more how to help myself out of this situation & help with understanding how to do so thank you


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## Prodigal

I told you in your previous post what you should be doing. You don't realize it, but you not taking responsibility for your own mess. In fact, just look at the title you gave this thread. It's not about you, it's about your "dysfunctional" wife. 

Time to take your focus off of her and take responsibility for yourself. I've seen this countless times in Al-Anon meetings. The family member comes into a meeting and thinks they're going to vent and discuss the addict in their lives. What they fail to realize is, they are there to fix their own issues. 

I think you need to seriously consider what it is you actually seek here. I don't know what you mean when you say you want help "out of this situation." You take your children with you and leave. You get into intense counseling. You get your children into counseling. You attend Al-Anon meetings. You learn the fundamentals of taking care of YOUR side of the street. And if you want to "understand" how to do that, it starts with YOU. 

If what you are seeking is to understand an alcoholic, I'm sorry but that simply is not possible. You need to understand why you are staying. Why are you exposing your children to this? Why are you accepting unacceptable behavior? Why are you attempting to control someone else at the cost of not controlling what you CAN control?


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## Detatchedfromlove

Prodigal said:


> I told you in your previous post what you should be doing. You don't realize it, but you not taking responsibility for your own mess. In fact, just look at the title you gave this thread. It's not about you, it's about your "dysfunctional" wife.
> 
> Time to take your focus off of her and take responsibility for yourself. I've seen this countless times in Al-Anon meetings. The family member comes into a meeting and thinks they're going to vent and discuss the addict in their lives. What they fail to realize is, they are there to fix their own issues.
> 
> I think you need to seriously consider what it is you actually seek here. I don't know what you mean when you say you want help "out of this situation." You take your children with you and leave. You get into intense counseling. You get your children into counseling. You attend Al-Anon meetings. You learn the fundamentals of taking care of YOUR side of the street. And if you want to "understand" how to do that, it starts with YOU.
> 
> If what you are seeking is to understand an alcoholic, I'm sorry but that simply is not possible. You need to understand why you are staying. Why are you exposing your children to this? Why are you accepting unacceptable behavior? Why are you attempting to control someone else at the cost of not controlling what you CAN control?


Yes that’s what I need I’ve been on the al anon website I have the phone number & I’m definitely going to the next available session that’s only a few miles from me thank you for your excellent advice it really does need to be done starting with me thanks again


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## Prodigal

One thing I'd like to add - Your wife is neglecting the children. I'm sure they are aware that she has checked out. Now they are looking to you for a solution. I assure you of this: they WILL resent you if you don't get them out of this terrible situation. You are the sober parent here. Quit trying to fix your wife. At this point, your focus should be solely on your kids and making a home life for them that is stable and safe. You simply cannot have that while you and your wife are under the same roof and she continues to drink.


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## SunCMars

Your wife is gone, a lady named _Stella Artois_ has taken her place.
She has been taken, and is slowly being dissolved.

Her brain is altered and is dependent on alcohol for relief.
You and her family are merely place mats to set her beer can on.

Reason contains no alcohol, therefore alcoholics have no need of it.
A true alcoholic is often powerless to self-correct,

They need forced intervention, which is almost always illegal, nowadays.
Many get this forced intervention (drying out) when they get jailed for hurting someone while drunk.



_Nemesis-_


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## DownByTheRiver

Is your wife employed? 
I'm asking because I need to see if she's at all functional. 
If she is functional and able to hold down a job it's a bit harder to get something done about her. But you still have a minor in the house, so your option is to start calling police or CPS or both if she's getting violent. Even if she's not getting violent and it's just drunk all the time you need to go ahead and get CPS involved. Well they were going to do is either give her steps where she has to get sober or they're going to get her out of the house. The trouble with that is it could be you that has to get out of the house with the child. 

If she isn't functional and can't hold down a job or anything, you could talk to an attorney about getting her declared and competent or something like that although I'm not sure that would change your particular situation because you're already taking care of her. 

Nobody's going to care legally about your sex life and her sex life. This is about if she's abusive and such a drunk she shouldn't be around the children. That is not counted as abuse. So whoever you report it to you should just skip that part or they're going to think that's the only thing that's really bugging you. 

But it's high time you did something about it and you're going to have to divorce her eventually but reporting it to child protective services you will likely get rapid action forcing some change. They will give her a pass back to see her children or the teen, require her to do a and maybe rehab.


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## Detatchedfromlove

SunCMars said:


> Your wife is gone, a lady named _Stella Artois_ has taken her place.
> She has been taken, and is slowly being dissolved.
> 
> Her brain is altered and is dependent on alcohol for relief.
> You and her family are merely place mats to set her beer can on.
> 
> Reason contains no alcohol, therefore alcoholics have no need of it.
> A true alcoholic is often powerless to self-correct,
> 
> They need forced intervention, which is almost always illegal, nowadays.
> Many get this forced intervention (drying out) when they get jailed for hurting someone while drunk.
> 
> 
> 
> _Nemesis-_


Yes you are right & I know she’s gone, but it won’t stop the pain of 24 years. I need to find some kind of strength to leave & be free from the pain


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## Detatchedfromlove

DownByTheRiver said:


> Is your wife employed?
> I'm asking because I need to see if she's at all functional.
> If she is functional and able to hold down a job it's a bit harder to get something done about her. But you still have a minor in the house, so your option is to start calling police or CPS or both if she's getting violent. Even if she's not getting violent and it's just drunk all the time you need to go ahead and get CPS involved. Well they were going to do is either give her steps where she has to get sober or they're going to get her out of the house. The trouble with that is it could be you that has to get out of the house with the child.
> 
> If she isn't functional and can't hold down a job or anything, you could talk to an attorney about getting her declared and competent or something like that although I'm not sure that would change your particular situation because you're already taking care of her.
> 
> Nobody's going to care legally about your sex life and her sex life. This is about if she's abusive and such a drunk she shouldn't be around the children. That is not counted as abuse. So whoever you report it to you should just skip that part or they're going to think that's the only thing that's really bugging you.
> 
> But it's high time you did something about it and you're going to have to divorce her eventually but reporting it to child protective services you will likely get rapid action forcing some change. They will give her a pass back to see her children or the teen, require her to do a and maybe rehab.


Good advice I’ve already children services, involved & a lot has changed since then, the abuse is now minimal, all verbal put downs eg rapist,peadophile,smack head etc, them things used to bother me not anymore they just go straight over my head these days. the damage has all been done, just left feeling empty & depressed we have a 2nd home which she is willing to move in alone with the 16 & 18 year old & leave me here with our 14 year old, I’ve realised it’s me holding on & really can’t find any positives as to why.


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## Detatchedfromlove

DownByTheRiver said:


> Is your wife employed?
> I'm asking because I need to see if she's at all functional.
> If she is functional and able to hold down a job it's a bit harder to get something done about her. But you still have a minor in the house, so your option is to start calling police or CPS or both if she's getting violent. Even if she's not getting violent and it's just drunk all the time you need to go ahead and get CPS involved. Well they were going to do is either give her steps where she has to get sober or they're going to get her out of the house. The trouble with that is it could be you that has to get out of the house with the child.
> 
> If she isn't functional and can't hold down a job or anything, you could talk to an attorney about getting her declared and competent or something like that although I'm not sure that would change your particular situation because you're already taking care of her.
> 
> Nobody's going to care legally about your sex life and her sex life. This is about if she's abusive and such a drunk she shouldn't be around the children. That is not counted as abuse. So whoever you report it to you should just skip that part or they're going to think that's the only thing that's really bugging you.
> 
> But it's high time you did something about it and you're going to have to divorce her eventually but reporting it to child protective services you will likely get rapid action forcing some change. They will give her a pass back to see her children or the teen, require her to do a and maybe rehab.


& no she’s not employed never has been I’ve taken care of all financially since day 1. She’s near 100% dysfunctional nothing seems to be straight forward.


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## DownByTheRiver

Detatchedfromlove said:


> & no she’s not employed never has been I’ve taken care of all financially since day 1. She’s near 100% dysfunctional nothing seems to be straight forward.


I don't think it's healthy for any of those kids even the adult ones to live with her. I mean it's just bad role modeling for them. If you divorce her it would force her to get a job. As it is it's kind of like enabling her to just keep doing nothing productive. 

I would say if she doesn't go in rehab and get any psychiatric care she may need as well, you should divorce her. If she is self-harming those kids don't have any business being around her and honestly she needs to be committed if that's the case and she still actively doing that.


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## Prodigal

Detatchedfromlove said:


> ... really can’t find any positives as to why.


The positives for you have been that you are a classic enabler, and she allowed you to play that role. Your wife is a parasite. My guess is you are a doormat. Who the hell financially supports their partner the entire duration of the marriage???? I assume that prior to marriage, your wife had some kind of job.

The reason you are having problems ending this so-called "marriage" is because you will have to relinquish your role as her enabler. But I'm here to tell you that you need to put the children first. As it is, the damage has likely been done to them.

It is time for you to jettison this addict from your life. And you need to find out why you willingly went into a relationship with this woman. Quit complaining. Quit questioning. Quit rending your garments and tossing ashes over your head.

GET. HELP. NOW.


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## Detatchedfromlove

Prodigal said:


> The positives for you have been that you are a classic enabler, and she allowed you to play that role. Your wife is a parasite. My guess is you are a doormat. Who the hell financially supports their partner the entire duration of the marriage???? I assume that prior to marriage, your wife had some kind of job.
> 
> The reason you are having problems ending this so-called "marriage" is because you will have to relinquish your role as her enabler. But I'm here to tell you that you need to put the children first. As it is, the damage has likely been done to them.
> 
> It is time for you to jettison this addict from your life. And you need to find out why you willingly went into a relationship with this woman. Quit complaining. Quit questioning. Quit rending your garments and tossing ashes over your head.
> 
> GET. HELP. NOW.


We got together aged 15 it’s my only relationship to date.(no job she was a good mum before the drink)1999-2006 them 2006 she started to drink. I did just have a short emotional affair which I ended as I need time to concentrate on what’s happening in front off me.(now I’m feeling worse) Yes I’m the enabler I have taken some steps back eg leaving her to clean her self/own mess up she creates & not getting involved in the trouble she causes with her family & friends, she is ready to move in the coming days to the new house & I really need to take that final step & let her go without me,I went into a relationship with her because of attraction which in turn turned to obsession & addiction & the last few years I’ve noticed that it’s the addiction I’m withdrawing from.


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## Luckylucky

Are you getting help for your marijuana use?

I’m also not sure what you exactly are looking for… you talk about needing to leave, but my understanding is that you’ve had an emotional affair, and she’s actually leaving you. She’s the one moving out. And leaving you, is that correct?


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## Detatchedfromlove

Luckylucky said:


> Are you getting help for your marijuana use?
> 
> I’m also not sure what you exactly are looking for… you talk about needing to leave, but my understanding is that you’ve had an emotional affair, and she’s actually leaving you. She’s the one moving out. And leaving you, is that correct?


She is moving out & said I can move with her if I want, but there will be no change(s). My marijuana use is my escape, seems like the home is broke & full off addiction, I’m struggling with letting go & really not sure why, when I know it’s for the best all around. My emotional affair is over but I’m missing the comfort of her but also know it’s for the best.


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## TJW

Prodigal said:


> Your wife is a parasite.


You may need help to get rid of your own addiction. You have to let your wife hit the wall and find herself with no means of support other than herself.



Detatchedfromlove said:


> I’m struggling with letting go & really not sure why


I can tell you why. All people. ALL...... do what they do because there is a REWARD in it for them. Their "cure" comes when they recognize that there is a GREATER REWARD in the new behavior than in the old one.

You, likely, had your enabling modeled for you in your family-of-origin. You feel in your "comfort zone" when you enable. The CZ is most people's MOST POWERFUL impetus to do what they do. Alcoholics drink for the CZ. Heads do the drug-of-choice for the CZ. People ignore their education for the CZ. I mean, to the point of giving up their dream career....... I watched my BIL ignore his education in his dream career because the comfort zone of his FOO came in failure.


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