# My world is crumbling



## TragicBeautiful (Apr 23, 2012)

WH had a drunken ONS, on the same day of my anniversary of three years cancer free. I found out about it a day later, the same day I found out my mom has a serious form of cancer. (My dad is currently undergoing treatment for an early stage cancer. My mom and my cancers are not genetic/hereditary, just dumb luck.) 

WH and I have been together 13 years, married 6. Everyone thought we had just about the best relationship possible, and I agreed. We talk, we are best friends, etc. this is why I'm having trouble understanding how he could do this to me. It's not like I've never come close to a stupid drunken mistake, but I always stopped myself before it went too far. WH actually purchased a hotel room for a couple of hours (classy, right?). He also thought he got away with it, but luckily I have super sleuthing skills.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by posting here. I feel like if I agree to work things out, if I smile at him or hug him or kiss him, if I let him stay in the same room or enjoy time with him, then that means it was no big deal. I don't know how to tell him what I need him to do (he keeps asking), because I'm not sure what, save a time machine, could help. I believe he is sorry and loves me. But I'm totally lost and feel like my world has been turned upside down.


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## TragicBeautiful (Apr 23, 2012)

Some days I feel okay, other days I feel like nothing is ever going to be right in the world again. Every time I think about it, I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the decision to R should take some time, how long ago did this happen?

I recommend you read the newbie link in my signature, also see your doctor asap for std testing and perhaps meds for the anxiety


if you want to R then you need to present consequences

btw was the OW married?


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## TragicBeautiful (Apr 23, 2012)

A week.

No, and she's only 21.

Will read the link, thanks.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You might gain some insight from this thread, although various parts of your situation are necessarily different. Be warned, it's posted by the cheating spouse, not the loyal spouse as is usual around here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43114-starting-recovery-have-strong-her.html


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

May not be too comforting but clinically a ONS is easier to work through then a full blown affair. 

Get tested for STD's.

Of course it may be more than an ONS and that is where your sleuthing skills may come into play. I am not saying it was more but look into it.

Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotion. Keep things on the cool but talk it out.

Make sure he tells you the information you need, anything less will drive you nuts.

Let us know how things progress. 

Hope the best for you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Of course it may be more than an ONS and that is where your sleuthing skills may come into play. I am not saying it was more but look into it.


Yes, you are new to this so you need to wise up fast and learn the #1 lesson: cheaters lie. You already see that you had to use sleuthing; he wouldn't just come clean. There may be a lot more that is hidden away.

If there is, he is telling himself what you don't know won't hurt you.

The best way to gather information is not to confront him and ask him--remember? cheaters lie. Don't disclose how you're getting your information or you will be training him how to hide it better.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

important requirements to have R


1) No contact whatsoever with OW, hopefully this is an easy one since it was a ONS. If she contacts him he has to ignore it and tell you of it right away
2) complete transparency- all passwords are given up, he allows you to look at whatever you need to including his phone, he lets you know of his whereabouts. Without telling him you should verify his actions with spy tech until you feel comfortable and regain trust.
3) he is 100% remorseful and takes the blame for the ONS, he does not gaslight, trickle truth or blameshift. He does what you need to heal
4) spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time to rebond


do consider that you may have not uncovered all of his past cheating


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## TragicBeautiful (Apr 23, 2012)

1. Done.
2. Doing.
3. How do I know what I need him to do? I feel like the pain is never going to go away. (Though I do realize a ONS is probably easier to deal with than long-term affairs...I don't know how y'all do it!)
4. Ok and we start MC this week too.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

3- he helps you when you feel upset, he tells all of the truth and answers all of your questions, he doesnt say he cheated because of what you did in the marriage but he gives honest answers, if you need him to call every 20 minutes because you are feeling anxious then he does just that, if you need him to hold you more then he does just that, if you need him to throw out the suit he wore to the ONS because it reminds you of the affair then he does just that, etc. etc etc

1 week out is very raw
and I personally don't care if it was a ONS or a year of cheating you have lost the trust in your husband and it hurts like hell right now


if you have time you can read my story in my signature, I have been in successful R for over 30 months


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You need to be your own best friend right now.
Eat healthy
Get lots of sleep
Get outside
Exercise

Visit the dr. for antidepressants, you need to be strong, clear-headed, focused on the situation at hand to make good decisions.


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## TragicBeautiful (Apr 23, 2012)

Thanks. It really helps just knowing other people have been there and even made it through this. I always said it would be a deal breaker for me. I feel like something must be wrong with me if I can't leave. But I don't want to throw away our mostly wonderful relationship over this. But I don't want to be an idiot. Does that make sense? Lol I feel like I don't know what to do to even begin processing this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TragicBeautiful said:


> Thanks. It really helps just knowing other people have been there and even made it through this. I always said it would be a deal breaker for me. I feel like something must be wrong with me if I can't leave. But I don't want to throw away our mostly wonderful relationship over this. But I don't want to be an idiot. Does that make sense? Lol I feel like I don't know what to do to even begin processing this.


I felt exactly like you- cheating=divorce

you don't have to commit to a decision right now, it was a few weeks before I saw that my wife would do what it takes for me to truly R


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

TragicBeautiful said:


> Thanks. It really helps just knowing other people have been there and even made it through this. I always said it would be a deal breaker for me. I feel like something must be wrong with me if I can't leave. But I don't want to throw away our mostly wonderful relationship over this. But I don't want to be an idiot. Does that make sense? Lol I feel like I don't know what to do to even begin processing this.


In 2010 my wife had an EA. I went into counseling. My WS did not. She swept everything under the rug. My counselor told me that my wife would do it again and it the guy was local it would go PA. We talked about it and my wife said it would never happen. I told my counselor if she did I was done. Less then a year later it happened.

We are in R but it sucks. Never say never. And you will feel partly like a fool if not a full blown one by sticking it out. But that is all part of it. Sucking it up, working through the pain and the emotions.

You are still in shock. Give it time. You do not have all the information.

Your WS needs to give you full accountibilty of his where a bouts for quite a while.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Most affairs don't end most marriages. 

You are invested in him, he has been there for you during some really hard times. You will find the strength to leave him when the time comes--if that is a path you find you must take. You are still trying to recover from the shock, you are still trying to get your bearing in terms of precisely what it is you're dealing with.

These things are long-haul. Pretend you instantly knew you wanted to divorce him. It couldn't happen with a snap of the fingers, any how.

As has been said, you have lots of time to think about that. That is not the main goal for today or tomorrow.

Don't put yourself down, second-guess yourself, blame yourself. It's a waste of valuable energy that you need to channel in other directions. Affairs are all about them, they weren't thinking about you, it's not about you.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

TragicBeautiful said:


> Thanks. It really helps just knowing other people have been there and even made it through this. I always said it would be a deal breaker for me. I feel like something must be wrong with me if I can't leave. But I don't want to throw away our mostly wonderful relationship over this. But I don't want to be an idiot. Does that make sense? Lol I feel like I don't know what to do to even begin processing this.


Yes it makes sense! So take it slow. I always said cheating was a deal breaker for me...and so did my H! ALWAYS! Well then once it happens it isn't so cut and dry!
You are feeling emotions all over the place so it's a good idea not to make too many major decisions yet. I also don't advocate telling all kinds of people at first, unless it's to necessary to put a stop to the A. I wanted my husband out but didn't want him to have carte blanche to be with the OW. So it was hard as heck to know what to do at first. But if your H is truly remorseful and not in contact, it's a start. 
Time is the only thing that will take away some of the pain. 
I also think its best for your peace of mind to check up. It's too easy to deny what is happening when you don't have the hard proof.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

(Originally posted this on highwood's thread by mistake, so sorry HW! )

This is terrible, truly. I understand that they get a dopamine rush out of their affairs that is like an addiction. But seriously, this is way out of the park. It is so planned, premeditated and meant to benefit himself at your expense. All for him and to he!! with his wife and family? And the woman is younger than your son??

Sorry you have to go through this. I am also in R. It is so hard because you don't know what the truth is. The thing that kills me, is that THEY KNOW THE TRUTH. They know what is going on. And we have to run around trying to figure it out while they stall, lie, minimize, blame-shift and gaslight.

Don't let him make a fool out of you. You are right, if you are nice or talk about the weather or be in the same room, he WILL see that as everything is alright. My H is the same way.

Be strong and please take care of yourself. BTW, why do you feel that he thought he got away with it? What skills did you employ to catch him?


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## TragicBeautiful (Apr 23, 2012)

ParachuteOn said:


> (Originally posted this on highwood's thread by mistake, so sorry HW! )
> 
> This is terrible, truly. I understand that they get a dopamine rush out of their affairs that is like an addiction. But seriously, this is way out of the park. It is so planned, premeditated and meant to benefit himself at your expense. All for him and to he!! with his wife and family? And the woman is younger than your son??
> 
> ...


Was this meant for me? I don't have a son...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

0 for 2 today parachute....lol


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> 0 for 2 today parachute....lol


Thanks AR. seriously am i losing my mind??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Ive already lost my mind so I'm really the wrong guy to ask


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

OK, I think I finally got it. Highwood has the 22 y/o son, and your H has the 21y/o OW, right? A thousand pardons for you and a thousand lashes for me! 

This is an awful thing to deal with for anyone let alone someone with your health and family issues. He keeps asking what to do because he wants you to tell him how to keep you. Like how much will this cost me? Don't tell him what he needs to do till you know for sure. Its ok to say I dont know. My H came home once after being out all night (and not answering his phone), and stood there drunk with a big smile at 2:30am and said, "OK, let me have it" with feigned humility. I learned then and there that he had already calculated the "cost" and agreed to pay it long before I even knew the decision was made! 

Your H wants to know what the bill has come to. He is ready to pay up. It does not even occur to him that there may be no way to clear this debt. He does not think you will leave.

Your health is the most important thing. 3 years out is great news that should be celebrated. That anniversary must mean the world to you. And now you get to have an associated trigger of his infidelity. What a thoughtful gift. The disrespect itself is almost as bad as the act of cheating! What do you mean he thought he got away with it? Does that mean he was planning on keeping it from you forever? Your life is at stake for crying out loud!

Please know you are not alone, even though not all of us are awake yet. You deserve so much better. And congratulations on your 3 years anniversary. Life is for living! And not in all this misery he has brought to your table. {HUGS}


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## TragicBeautiful (Apr 23, 2012)

I have just been telling him that I don't know. 

Thanks a lot for listening and commenting.


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