# Husbands EA, says its over but facebook



## browndogs (Mar 11, 2013)

HI all I have been lurking on here for awhil but decided to join. My husband of 25 yrs disclosed his ea affair the end of january and i have been struggling with alot of junk. He finally said he ended his "friendship" with this ow on march 1. Now i get that he says its over however..... he has told me this 4 times now. The first was that last weekend of jan, i should have known then that it was no way over yet. the last time I decided to drawn some bounderies and told him i was not ok with him talking to her and that he was choosing this friendship over our relationship and marriage, He kept telling me it was just a close freindship, but in jan he was "in love etc". fog. 


my issue is this mid febuary he set up a google mail so that i would not see his emails to her(after i thought it was over)talk about decietfull. i found out and after that last time told him it was not acceptable he sent over his email to her and her repsonse ending things. Now it seems he is not contacting her that i can tell on gmail. he only uses his iphone. my problem is he is still checking on her facebook 4 or 5 times a day dduring week. he does not know that i know this. he leaves fb open on his kindle at home and i can see his activity log. so can you still msg someone on fb if you have unfriended them??? also sometime is clearing his browser history on kindle too. his he checking his gmail? He figured out i think that i was checking his phone.

this has been a total nightmare.. he keeps asking if we are ok... well no i don't trust him. lol He was or is in denial that his actions were a affair. He is rugsweeping alot. I need some input!!!!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You don't need to be friends with someone to message them. So yes, he could be communicating with her through there. There's also other apps that can be used to communicate, like WhatsApp and Skype.

C


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if he's not willing to block her on facebook then you best start preparing for divorce


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Facebook is evil! It has ruined so many marriages...


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

LoriC said:


> Facebook is evil! It has ruined so many marriages...


I agree, its why I won't join. Makes it way too easy for people to "reconnect"


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

People ruin marriages. FB isn't responsible any more than telephones are. It's just a tool.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Robsia said:


> People ruin marriages. FB isn't responsible any more than telephones are. It's just a tool.


I do not disagree with your statement but honestly FB makes it a little too easy. The statistics do not lie.

I deactivated my FB account.... I am much happier without it!


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Well, I had an ex-boyfriend contact me thru FB wanting to hook up. I replied politely, telling him thank you, but I was happily married now and I had no desire to 'hook up'. Then I told my husband.

See, easy!

It's people that cheat.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Robsia said:


> Well, I had an ex-boyfriend contact me thru FB wanting to hook up. I replied politely, telling him thank you, but I was happily married now and I had no desire to 'hook up'. Then I told my husband.
> 
> See, easy!
> 
> It's people that cheat.


Again, I do not disagree with your statement but tell that to someone who's marriage went to he*# as a result of FB. It is trouble with a capital T


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

my now exh did the exact same thing during his EA, said he wasn't talking to OW anymore, then opened a secret gmail account (that I found thru a keylogger). He would clear his browser history so i wouldn't be able to see that he was logging on to a different mail account then the one I knew about.

Every time I would catch him he, swear he wasn't going to talk to her anymore and would just move to a different type of media, the last straw was I found he had friended the OW on xbox and playstation then changed his password so I couldn't see it. 

He needs to be willing to give you complete transparency...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Browndogs...you need to tell him it's time for counselling. It's time for him to be open and honest with you regarding everything. There is no "privacy" in marriage unless you're in the toilet. You need to have every account...every password. He needs to give them up or you need to give him some harsh consquences.


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## browndogs (Mar 11, 2013)

Thanks all for the quick reply! He has unfriended her on fb awhile ago. but don't know if that is the same as blocking. he only did this because i insited. This was a old friend from high school. I was getting concerened with his fb use in late nov after i bought him a iphone5. it was like a drug. I guess some ppl cannot handle it. like i said he4 never uses computer anymore only iphone and kindle. its the deleting the browser history that bugs the crap out of me. who does that unless your hiding something. I asked for access to his gmail act. 2 weeks ago and he would not give it to me. i would love to readd those emails. i must be a glutton for punishment! I just did not know about the fb msging so in theroy they could still be talking and i would never know.....

I'm just tired of the lies of ommission. crap tell me the truth it can be any worse than what i have already been thru...


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

brown if he isnt willing to give you all the passwords to everything, thats a REALLY bad sign. You shouldn't have to force him to do it either.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LoriC said:


> Again, I do not disagree with your statement but tell that to someone who's marriage went to he*# as a result of FB. It is trouble with a capital T


Or match, ashly, texting, etc etc etc the modern technology made it easier to cheat not facebook.

Time for counseling or a goodbye to the marriage, no compromise.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

browndogs said:


> Thanks all for the quick reply! He has unfriended her on fb awhile ago. but don't know if that is the same as blocking. he only did this because i insited. This was a old friend from high school. I was getting concerened with his fb use in late nov after i bought him a iphone5. it was like a drug. I guess some ppl cannot handle it. like i said he4 never uses computer anymore only iphone and kindle. its the deleting the browser history that bugs the crap out of me. who does that unless your hiding something. I asked for access to his gmail act. 2 weeks ago and he would not give it to me. i would love to readd those emails. i must be a glutton for punishment! I just did not know about the fb msging so in theroy they could still be talking and i would never know.....
> 
> I'm just tired of the lies of ommission. crap tell me the truth it can be any worse than what i have already been thru...


Did he give you a reason why he wouldn't give you access to his gmail? I mean, does he work for the f'ng CIA or some kind of black ops place where secrecy is needed for national security?!

If the answer is no, then he's simply hiding his other life from you and he is most definitely caught up in his own ego sh-t. So much so that he doesn't appear to care about your feelings whatsoever.


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## browndogs (Mar 11, 2013)

thanks somedaydig. i have been thinking about it. i don't want him to know how i know what he is doing just yet. I'm trying to get him in ic and mc but he won't go. he has some issues that he needs help with and obviously within our realtionship. i am only taking 50% blame for that one tho. it tried to foist some of ea on me but i said he should have come and told me how unhappy he was instead of chatting with some girl from past of fb. 

Its has taken me awhile to come to terms with the possibility that he won't stop and the fact that i won't live with it if he dosent.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

defriending is not the same as blocking


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

browndogs said:


> Thanks all for the quick reply! * He has unfriended her on fb awhile ago. but don't know if that is the same as blocking.* he only did this because i insited. This was a old friend from high school. I was getting concerened with his fb use in late nov after i bought him a iphone5. it was like a drug. I guess some ppl cannot handle it. like i said he4 never uses computer anymore only iphone and kindle. its the deleting the browser history that bugs the crap out of me. who does that unless your hiding something. I asked for access to his gmail act. 2 weeks ago and he would not give it to me. i would love to readd those emails. i must be a glutton for punishment! I just did not know about the fb msging so in theroy they could still be talking and i would never know.....
> 
> I'm just tired of the lies of ommission. crap tell me the truth it can be any worse than what i have already been thru...


Unfriending is NOT the same as blocking. Unfriending means exactly that... no longer a "friend" on Facebook. Blocking, however, is different. When you block someone on Facebook, you can't see ANY of their activity nor can they see any of yours. The only way they MIGHT be able to see any activity is if they other accounts to log into. And, for blocking, you can unblock, but you have to wait a certain amount of time before you can block again. So, if he DID block, then you would be able to catch him if he unblocked to talk to her. Hope that made sense.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

> How do I block someone?
> To block someone:
> 
> Click at the top right of any Facebook page.
> ...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

browndogs said:


> thanks somedaydig. i have been thinking about it. i don't want him to know how i know what he is doing just yet. I'm trying to get him in ic and mc but he won't go. he has some issues that he needs help with and obviously within our realtionship. i am only taking 50% blame for that one tho. it tried to foist some of ea on me but i said he should have come and told me how unhappy he was instead of chatting with some girl from past of fb.
> 
> Its has taken me awhile to come to terms with the possibility that he won't stop and the fact that i won't live with it if he dosent.


Sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders then and are ready to take the action you need to. Remember...NEVER reveal your sources as far as how you know stuff.

Again, though did he give you any reason as to why he feels he needs a secretive gmail account?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

LoriC said:


> I do not disagree with your statement but honestly *FB makes it a little too easy*. The statistics do not lie.


As does a cell phone (texting and calling), and chat apps, and email, and myspace, IM'ing, and gaming, and...the list goes on. You can't blame Facebook because someone cheated. That's like blaming a fork for making someone fat. The person chose to utilize the available venue in the wrong manner. You can't blame the actions of any person on the technology they chose to use. And you can say "I don't disagree" all you like... but following it up with "but..." completely wipes that out. Sorry, by adding the "but" you ARE disagreeing, but in a more "agreeable" manner.




LoriC said:


> I deactivated my FB account.... I am much happier without it!


Well, that's good that deactivating your account has made you much happier! I'm glad for you! I truly am. I like having mine so I can keep friends and family informed of the important things going on in our life. I even am connected with my kids' teachers and the school itself on there. There's a right and a wrong way to utilize any technology. Using it to "hook up" is obviously the wrong way.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> As does a cell phone (texting and calling), and chat apps, and email, and myspace, IM'ing, and gaming, and...the list goes on. You can't blame Facebook because someone cheated. That's like blaming a fork for making someone fat. The person chose to utilize the available venue in the wrong manner. You can't blame the actions of any person on the technology they chose to use. And you can say "I don't disagree" all you like... but following it up with "but..." completely wipes that out. Sorry, by adding the "but" you ARE disagreeing, but in a more "agreeable" manner.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My dear Maricha, I have read so many of your posts for quite some time here on TAM and I must say, and I know you have heard this before..... BUT...you seem a bit angry.... so I am truly sorry I have upset you today. These are just opinions, no need to get so upset.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Can we foget the evil-ness of FB or whatever in style social media.

OP is asking about HER spouse and HER situation. Don't mean to be an a$$, but...


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Sorry for side-tracking browndogs 

I'm new here so I'll let the other experienced posters give you their sage advice.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Robsia said:


> Sorry for side-tracking browndogs
> 
> I'm new here so I'll let the other experienced posters give you their sage advice.


Yes, I certainly did not intend to thread-jack. My apologies..


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## browndogs (Mar 11, 2013)

thanks all for replies. i am personally not blaming facebook. it just made it available. he CHOOSE to go down that road. it has just been his method of contact., that and gmail. i just needed to confirm that my suspicion that he could still contact her somehow thru that media. 

somedaydig... he said at the time that he needed to do what was right for him and that was to still talk to her. Now obviously he did not want me to know that was what he was doing and i would not have except that i saw he search history on his phone. he was logging into gmail like 8 times a day.

what still pisses me off had ankle surgery jan 2 so when all this was going on and including when i found out i was non weight bearing in a cast.... i could not drive or do anything. talk about feeling trapped.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I have always been curious about keeping friends on FB that are mutual friends with AP. Should it be mandatory for the BS to defriend any and all mutual friends with the AP, even if they are defriended/blocked from each other? What would be the reason to keep this people around?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LoriC said:


> Again, I do not disagree with your statement but tell that to someone who's marriage went to he*# as a result of FB. It is trouble with a capital T


Nobodies marriage ever went to **** because of FB.

Those marriages went to **** because of weak unfaithful partners.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

So he is using his smartphone & kindle to do this....

Seems a lot of WS's are using smart phones now. 
They are easy to conceal, to lock, & hide chat apps that allow one to contact others. 
Smartphones are the ultimate tool to cheat with.

I'd say get proof & confront.

1) Save the chats/emails by forwarding them or taking a pic of them with your own phone. Then print them out.

2) Print out phone records from your cell phone provider.

The point is to show irrefutable proof to him & to others.
And when I mean others, this means his family, siblings, friends, etc.

3) Expose to his family & friends. This will wake him up big time.
If you can find a pic of this other woman, print it out too. Pass it around as well.

4) Print out a divorce form & give to him. 

He will hit the roof when you do this. The embarassment alone will be enough to drive him crazy.

He'll have to make a decision on what he wants.
That is to be a family man or a jack a$$....his call.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

browndogs said:


> somedaydig... *he said at the time that he needed to do what was right for him and that was to still talk to her.* Now obviously he did not want me to know that was what he was doing and i would not have except that i saw he search history on his phone. he was logging into gmail like 8 times a day.


Ahhh...the classic cake eater guy.

My suggestion is simple: He needs to have a harsh consequence right now. Not later. Right now. You can't balk. You can't fake it.

Do you enjoy the fact that he's still talking to this OW? I bet not. So why should he be able to enjoy himself while totally disregarding you, your feelings and your marriage?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

browndogs said:


> thanks all for replies. i am personally not blaming facebook. it just made it available. he CHOOSE to go down that road. it has just been his method of contact., that and gmail. i just needed to confirm that my suspicion that he could still contact her somehow thru that media.


Yes, sadly, the only way to avoid the possibility of even being able to speak on Facebook, one must block the other. But even then, he could "unblock" to speak, or create an alternate identity, just to be able to speak with her. But, if he were to block then unblock her, he'd have to wait 48 hours before he could block her again. I guess you could call that a built-in "check" for such things? 



browndogs said:


> somedaydig... he said at the time that he needed to do what was right for him and that was to still talk to her. Now obviously he did not want me to know that was what he was doing and i would not have except that i saw he search history on his phone. he was logging into gmail like 8 times a day.


Hmmm.... how did you respond when he said "I need to do what's right for me and talk to her"? I couldn't handle if my husband said "talking to her is right for me right now"... No, if you value your health, CEASING contact is what is right for you right now... And give the choice of her or you, and if he hesitated, then you know the answer.



browndogs said:


> what still pisses me off had ankle surgery jan 2 so when all this was going on and including when i found out i was non weight bearing in a cast.... i could not drive or do anything. talk about feeling trapped.


Ouch. Can't even imagine that situation.


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## browndogs (Mar 11, 2013)

thats my problem... i can't prove he is. i just know it lol! i don't have his gmail password. I do have his login id which he dosent know i have. i could probably hijack it as i would be able to answer alot of the security q's. its problomatic because of the devices he is using. face book i check his acount activity button on his main screen. if he is talking to her on it they are erasing everything immediately. they are not "friends" on fb right now. He has gotten alot more careful since march 1. or he is not talking to her and just looking at fb. but my gut says different and I have not yet been wrong.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

See...that's the part right there..."He has gotten alot more careful". That's f'ng bullsh-t. I'm sorry for getting upset, but that just rubs me every wrong way to read that a little boy who is married can't grow up to be a f'ng man.

"Ohhh...I need to find myself and wahh wahh wahh..." I hate whiny f's like that.

Ya know what OP...tell him fine. Have his little secret email account so he can talk with the woman who can help him figure out his idiotic life. Meanwhile, you tell him you're not gonna be that woman.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

browndogs said:


> thats my problem... i can't prove he is. i just know it lol! i don't have his gmail password. I do have his login id which he dosent know i have. i could probably hijack it as i would be able to answer alot of the security q's. its problomatic because of the devices he is using. face book i check his acount activity button on his main screen. if he is talking to her on it they are erasing everything immediately. they are not "friends" on fb right now. He has gotten alot more careful since march 1. or he is not talking to her and just looking at fb. but my gut says different and I have not yet been wrong.


Well, you can try this:

Tell him that the fact that he had this EA (which he disclosed to you) is bothering you. Tell him that you know she is no longer his "friend" on FB, but the fact that they are even able to speak, even without being "friends" bothers you. And, now, if he TRULY is "over" his EA with this woman, than there's no reason for him to argue with you over your next request.... BLOCK her, to prove it is really over and he is fully committed to making your marriage work. If he doesn't, then you know he isn't fully committed to it, and isn't even trying to really be over the OW.


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## browndogs (Mar 11, 2013)

thanks someday dig thats where it is headed. He has a great life and if he is willing to chuck it for some ow on fb that he used to know what 30years ago i wont stop him. i"m a good person and do not deserve to be treated this way. im only 43. im a fit size 4 and alot of guys would love to have me. i'm not perfect but who is. he is gonna have to wake up or he is gonna be living somewhere else. He needs to own what he has done and make steps to fix it and its gonna take a lot. I can just now be ok with hearing "i'm in love with someone else" and not get emotional. he is now denying that he felt that way. but thats what he said in feb. 

I'm trying to be more even keeled and not emotional but maybe i need to get mad. i have been pissed but not showing it to him.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Browndogs I am so sorry you are here. I was in your exact situation almost two years ago (minus the iphone, lol) and am now headed for divorce. Your WH certainly doesn't sound like he takes your concerns seriously. I wish you all the best. There is such great advice here. I didn't want to believe what i was told here myself. Well i learned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

I AGREE, FB is a breeding ground for old and new friendships to become inappropriate. I think it is a place where any weaknesses are easily exploited. Often spouses go to facebook when bored or lonely. My husbands affair with old girl friend started on FB, what a wild ride it has been. Tho FB is not the cause, it is certainly an enviornment for affairs to begin.


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## browndogs (Mar 11, 2013)

Ok all you have helped me a ton yesterday! I have a question today that i really need help with. I have read and get the 180 plan. I feel i need to confront my husband about the 8x day check ins on his fb account for his ow friend, but how does that work? If im doing the 180 plan im not supposed to be spying on him....

If i confront him about this he will know I have been chcecking his fb account and he is gonna try and spin this to, we are just friends i don't have love feelings for her anymore and u can't tell me who to talk to ****. He is also gonna be really pissed. probably like vocanic lol. He is also gonna bring up the trust issue. which he has not earned back yet.

I don't want a divorce but also need to be respected. Right now he is not repescting me at all. He acts like everything is ok at home. keeps asking are we ok. well umm no you still want contact with ow. How do i get him to understand that i mean no contact at all? **** you woulndt think I would have to spell it out for a college educated person, but maybe i do. 

thoughts????


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

browndogs said:


> I don't want a divorce but also need to be respected. Right now he is not repescting me at all. He acts like everything is ok at home. keeps asking are we ok. well umm no you still want contact with ow.* How do i get him to understand that i mean no contact at all? * **** you woulndt think I would have to spell it out for a college educated person, but maybe i do.


How do you make him understand? You tell him exactly what you wrote above: "you still want contact with ow. i mean no contact at all...period." And if he wants to make the marriage work, then he needs to send a No Contact letter/email/text, telling her that it was inappropriate and he wants to work on repairing the marriage. And the first step in this is telling OW that he no longer will be in contact with her, and she is not to contact him, either. He writes the letter, lets you proofread it, then sends it to her. And then, he blocks her on Facebook. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. If he is committed to making the marriage work, he will have no problem doing this. After Facebook blocking, she gets blocked in email... Not quite sure how to do that... never was able to figure it out. At the very least, her emails get directed to spam. If someone else can explain how to completely block the emails, even better!

But that's how you explain it to him. If he's truly committed to repairing the marriage, that's what he will do...all of the above. Be prepared to hear "you don't want me to have any friend!" (Boo-f'n-hoo!)...To which you reply "You absolutely can have friends... but not THAT friend."... AND STICK TO IT!


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## browndogs (Mar 11, 2013)

Ok below is what he sent to her and her reply on march 1. after i told him that i was not ok with their continuing friendship. after this he is still searching for her fb page every day like 8x. I now know they can msg and not be fb friends. 




Anna,



Below are Kim's and my emails this morning. We are done! You are who I want to spend my life with, not Kim. I am sad that I have lost a good friend, but it has to be that way. Its obvious she has stonger feelings for me than just friendship.



I Love You!



Jeff





Good Morning Kim,

I hope you had a great night. I have to stop talking to you and leading you on that there is hope for us to be together. You need to get out and meet someone that you can love with all of your heart and forget me. I need to be 100% committed to Anna. I am a married man and most likly will remain so. I love talking to you as a friend, but that isn’t possible. You have helped me in more ways I could ever say! I wish you all the happiness in the world. God bless you!



Jeff





Kimberly Kimball 
8:53 AM (9 minutes ago)

to me 


Dear Jeffrey,
We are so much alike it is ridiculous! I too was going to apologize this morning for my comments. I truly am sorry.
You are married and you and Anna should send each other texts like we do. I know you will stay there, as you should.
I will not text even as a friend. You are more than that,so it's hard to draw the line for both of us!


All My Love!
Kim


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Robsia said:


> People ruin marriages. FB isn't responsible any more than telephones are. It's just a tool.


I absolutely agree. I have a FB account and I do not use it to talk with other men.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Robsia said:


> People ruin marriages. FB isn't responsible any more than telephones are. It's just a tool.


Facebook creates an avenue that otherwise wasn't there. It allows you to see, share, and get to know someone alot more then just a phone call. Our marriage counselor told us if there is a devil, Facebook is his sword. 

You're right, it is a tool, and it is the individuals choice, but alot of people cannot handle or deal with this sort of tool without going too far.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

browndogs said:


> Ok below is what he sent to her and her reply on march 1. after i told him that i was not ok with their continuing friendship. after this he is still searching for her fb page every day like 8x. I now know they can msg and not be fb friends.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This would infuriate me to no end. This woman knows your married. They both confess their love which is majorly crossing that line. He should NEVER tell another woman that he loves her.

Personally, I don't give second chances. I find it very hard to trust once the trust is broken. Good luck.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

browndogs said:


> Ok below is what he sent to her and her reply on march 1. after i told him that i was not ok with their continuing friendship. after this he is still searching for her fb page every day like 8x. I now know they can msg and not be fb friends.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So, I bolded the worst parts (to me)...the parts that stuck out. He basically admitted to letting her believe there was hope for more. She has romantic feelings for him, for sure. And honestly, I think he has feelings for her as well. He's trying to keep her as a friend, not because he only thinks of her as one, but because he wants to keep her "on deck" so to speak. As I said before... he needs to do the things I stated above...which means she NEEDS to be completely NC, including blocking her.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

You can also see the "dopamine" in action here. You see that element of the forbidden? That's is what gives adultery oxygen. People get off on that secrecy and as said above "keeping her on deck" because it feeds his ego. She could probably have been a dude on the other end but doesn't matter because that ego stroking is such a powerful motivator. 


You are in the right to be worried and I'm glad you caught it.


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