# Any insight on my present dilemna



## 3Blessings (Jul 8, 2012)

Hello everybody!
I have this question about my husband's decision.... or position...
we are broke right now.......at this moment, we are behind our bills and loans.having help in terms of employees ( we have two help right now) is a great thing to free some time for us....however right we really cant afford it , in my opinion so ... as always i nag him abt it.. to let one or both go until we can actually support them.. we have three little kids i worked part time ( for insurance ) dotn really relish to work full time if i can help it because i want to take care of my two years old son and 6 mos daughter util hopefully she is in preschool or better 1st grade.......its hurting me deeply....i felt betrayed and hurt by his actions.... ishe right that since i work part time ( 5 days/2 weeks ) its okay?........i argue that one of the guys get paid more than i'm bringing home ( he works 2 -3 hours only) and he gets $225 at least .please help me........im getting betrayed by this actions and making me nuts ....i'm tired too.he gets help...i wish to be able to take care of my kids without worrying our basic needs............i want to transfer my paycheck into a new account so that i have something to use for our needs....or do you think i'll just close my eyes and quit my job to teach him not to take us for granted.......i've worked since my 1st daughter, we have health insurance thru my work. i tried saving thru my kids savings acct but now they were all tapped. he started this business that is not making income but continuosly incurring......but he want me to wait........eventually it'l pay off he said.................he bought equipments we cant afford, bought a govt. liquidition truck with out any consideration of our debts......and now we have debt up to our eyeball........and yet he dont want me to go back to school because he aid he cant afford it......i want to gp back and thinking on getting scholarship.......no matter what he said.....i felt helpless.. and its like i dont want to be in a position where he takes so much risks or wrong moves and my kids gonna suffer.....

please... let me know what you think .. i value our marriage and hoping i could things still not betraying our vows to each other as husband and wife.......i love my kids... i dont want them to be subjected to this arguing,,,,,,,,,i'm afraid i'm causing them unhappiness............please help me.........i will apreciate your wisdom......


----------



## 3Blessings (Jul 8, 2012)

please ignore the typographical errors..........................

i really need help....................


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

times are tough and everbody needs to work. If you were weathy enough to not work so you could be home for the kids that would be different.

his business...... well if you agreed to let him try then you have to see it through until he makes it or fails at it. 

I'd like to hear his side of the story!

what you precive as needs he might not and vis a versa.

you feel hurt by his actions? maybe you guys should have waited to have children until your finances were squared away.

now you got what you got make the best of it and review what your needs truly are. most things that people consider needs are really just wants.

most families have two full incomes. look around a your peers how many of them have the luxuray to be a sahm.

I get the feeling that you have an entiled attitude but the way you phrase things.

health ins..... if you quit how will you prodide health care for your children? health ins is very expensive.

now if his business is an off the wall dream that will never pan out then thats a different story.

your in a tough spot. budget,budget,budget.cut,cut,cut

I know easier said than done but you got a beautiful family and you got to do what you got to do. less christmas presents ,no cable sell any cars with a loan and buy a junker (cheaper car)

thease are all dificult decisions but what choice do you have!


----------



## 3Blessings (Jul 8, 2012)

Thanks for the response. we are farmers. i dont regret my kids. i've waited for quite awhile till our second came. our first is seven goin on eight...........i know that its tough and i'm in for the tough... what pisses me and probably the reason why i came here and vent was i'm looking of ways of alleviating some of the burden. the other day i ask our tax person if we can lay off and she said you can. i got pissed because i thought he never looked into this matter and that he is making excuses. when he went into this venture i kinda offer advices regarding abt the expenses of setting it up as a business.... and if we could do it conservatively and slowly. was hoping we could have a respite this week.............we are planning of having my daughter baptised this weekend..............I just wish he could think of it... to free a little............but its true its a matter of adjusting to the situation everytime.I'm sorry if i came so selfish.....

what do you mean entitled attitude and the way i phrase it?


----------



## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Hi. Your husband is being selfish. You have two little ones. They should be your priority. Your husband should be working full time and maybe another job and you should be home taking care of your tiny babies. He is a debtor - someone who spends money when they are stressed - it is obvious from your post. He also can't let someone else down - the employee, but he can and is willing to let you and his children down - it is all in your post. My husband was like this - but he is not your husband, I'm not comparing, I'm just saying that some people deal with stress in horrendous or stupid ways. Your husband is dealing with business stress by further burdens thinking or imagining that it will all pay off ...it seems too much of a gamble. Debting is just liking gambling. It's about a stress and a hopeful payoff and the stress and feeling of getting hope and the stress.... it just keeps going.

He needs to stop, but he is afraid. I'm sorry you are going through this. Does he have close relatives that can help him see through some of the destruction he is causing? He cannot allow you to show him - that is obvious from your post. It may have to come from someone else - or simply by him losing everything, possibly even his family.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

If the person you are employing is bringing more income than you're paying him, then it's foolish to lay him off.

Trying to add expenses like going to school on your budget is foolish.

If you're really tight for money, do a cost analysis on going full time to see if the additional income is more than your day care costs. If you make more than it costs to pay for day care, do it. Being a stay-at-home mom isn't the norm for many families because they simply cannot afford it. 

Meanwhile, look at options to reduce simple costs - more dinners home and fewer out. 

Sit down and go over the budget - make it clear that NEITHER of you are to spend more than $x on anything without approval from both of you.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It seems like you're looking for ways to feel like he will always be able to take care of you, financially and emotionally, and since his business is relatively new, it's just not possible right now. 

You surely didn't come to a marriage forum for business or finance advice, right?

He needs you to believe in him. He's trying to take care of business in order to take care of family, so give him your confidence and support.

I get that you have 3 little ones and leaving them at day care is not what you envisioned, and it makes you feel like you're betraying them or abandoning them. But marriage is a long long road and for his business to be what you both intend it to be, you've got to squelch your doubts and give him all the support he needs. Hang in there for another year. Give him another full year of making his business work, this is not something to go half a$$ed. All In without complaint for one full year. 30 years from now this will be nothing but a blink.


----------



## lovinhusband (Feb 25, 2012)

boogie110 said:


> Hi. Your husband is being selfish. You have two little ones. They should be your priority. Your husband should be working full time and maybe another job and you should be home taking care of your tiny babies. He is a debtor - someone who spends money when they are stressed - it is obvious from your post. He also can't let someone else down - the employee, but he can and is willing to let you and his children down - it is all in your post. My husband was like this - but he is not your husband, I'm not comparing, I'm just saying that some people deal with stress in horrendous or stupid ways. Your husband is dealing with business stress by further burdens thinking or imagining that it will all pay off ...it seems too much of a gamble. Debting is just liking gambling. It's about a stress and a hopeful payoff and the stress and feeling of getting hope and the stress.... it just keeps going.
> 
> He needs to stop, but he is afraid. I'm sorry you are going through this. Does he have close relatives that can help him see through some of the destruction he is causing? He cannot allow you to show him - that is obvious from your post. It may have to come from someone else - or simply by him losing everything, possibly even his family.



Well......first off I'd like to introduce myself as the other half of this story........ second of all and maybe a long post here, I;d like to say I am not spending money to alleviate stress. quite the opposite. the help was hired last summer when I was busy working in a job site that was fifty miles from home, and my 72 yr old father was picking up the slack here on the farm. I have an older brother who is 42 right now and he has no interest in helping as he does not want to work "under me" When he does help it is with great duress according to him. I needed people that I could work with who would do what I said and not simply take short cuts, or blow off the job entirely as they think it should be done differently. 
In regard to the business, as any of you know that are in the contracting business you will agree with me that the last three years have been cutthroat and tough to even find work. Well to make a long story short I tried a new business model last summer and made a commitment to the landowners that I would finish the work.....maybe the first mistake......but based off of information that I had available to me and information still at hand and outlooks that I have currently the farm and business are not going to make the same mistake I made last summer. With that said due to changes made in December and tough decisions put to the banker and so far winning in the end we are coming out of the hole....... So what the problem your asking right? well....... the problem started last Dec. at the end of the clearing season when the paying work was done. I found out that I could not lay off my foreman for the winter due to the NAICS code that I had. and subsequent problems coming from the unemployment office. believe me when I say I wanted to lay him off for three to four months it sure would have helped, but since I am not a lawyer amongst my many trades, I had alot of trouble negotiating my way through the paperwork. It took me a long time trying to figure it all out and final came down to our tax appointment and a few key questions being asked and a agreement that as soon as the rush was over for tax season we would make an appt to get in and get this thing straightened out. Which I was more than relieved to do just to finally get this thing taken care of. As anyone who ever has been through this knows all it takes is one person who doesn't know your business from adam to make a judgement based on the "norm" and the next thing is you are in trouble with the state and federal Gov's.
hence the need to keep him employed for the sake of less headache through all of our business ventures. 
In case there are those out there that don't know my business I am classified as an agricultural business which is an unemployment tax exempt status. Add to that I do not pay out more that 20,000 in any particular qtr. I do not have more than four employees and so therefore it is exempt. Now how does this code figure into the picture. The code is what describes your business to the gov. it details how it is that you should be taxed and at what rate you pay workman's comp ins. Somehow when my LLC was filed it was filed with the wrong code and this is what needed to be changed and cannot be changed until I get with the right people. (lawyers, tax professionals) I may have to dissolve the LLC and restart the business in order to accomplish this. 
As for the benefits..... well we've been able to pay close attention to detail, make no cost repairs to buildings, machinery, and keep the herd in much better health than what I could have done alone. We've suffered through frozen teat ends on the cows and subsequent mastitis issues and recurring problems with the herd, and not to mention the cattle that we bought as part of the decision in DEC. to increase our incomes on the farm were "calving in". we had overcrowding in the few buildings that we do have and attention to detail was an extreme must!!!! and still continues to be that way. As for income.......well income comes up a lot slower on a farm than when it goes down. we bought the extra cows in Dec. they started calving in in late Dec. and the milk weights were starting to come up late december through January. Only problem is we are paid the following month after the production. so production on the 10th of Jan is paid for on the 10th of Feb. making a lag time of worries and headaches for both of us. Add to that the existing debt load, (please see the "so God made a farmer" thread) to get the reason for the existing debt load. and we had a serious crunch on our hands. 
Could some of this have been prevented.......no doubt. better legal professionals could have saved me a lot of grief, having the ability to have my foreman start the job site last summer would have helped a lot. It would have freed me up to manage and oversee the farm as well as the business instead of actually doing the work. Only problem is.... he wasn't hired until after our daughter was born. And the reason he wasn't hired until then was because I had been led to believe that my brother and parents all understood that here was a situation that I needed to be gone and that I needed to have help from my brother outside to see to it that it was a success on both fronts. (at least that was the idea, I know better now so don't stomp all over me on this one.) Now I do have help, I am nearing the beginning of my job season, my foreman is willing to step up and manage the sites like we had discussed and planned for so that I will be able to oversee the farm. In the slack time between jobs he will be here on the farm helping to see that crops get planted/harvested and attention to detail is accomplished without mutiny from a certain family member. If it is determined that I can no longer make the connections or the business get too big for me to handle......... well guess what we are sitting on top of a small gold mine. Equipment and cash assets are worth several tens of thousands of dollars, and I can always sell the business. But at this point I'm wrapped up in too much legal issues to sell it free and clear title. Problems hell yes!!! pay off.....hell yes there too. bottom line is that I will not give up on my wife, family, and their futures. If my son wants to farm or drive dozers it's his choice. If my daughters want to farm with their husbands then it will be a cold day in haiti before I lay over and die on them. financially we are in tough shape right now.......but who out there who has ever started a business or bought a farm has never been in tough shape. 

I have already started my 2013 season, money is beginning to come in again and so will the milk checks. How much and how fast is anybody's guess. All I can do is the best I can. And by the way.... the trucks and equipment that was mentioned is dual purpose. I use it all on the farm as well as in the business. My truck that was mention is also used to haul haylage as I cannot justify 10,000 dollars each for chopper boxes. It is not a fancy truck and strictly low budget military dump truck. It is paid for already and there is at least no lien against it. My Cat is one payment away from being paid for and several other assets are owned free and clear. so yes we do have debt, and it is a big amt. but nothing that with proper mgt. we cannot work through. 

I'm in this thing for the long haul, and as one here already wrote this will seem like a glitch in the grand picture of things. If I fail...........then so be it I fail and go home with my tail between my legs and only hope that my wife will forgive me for not quiting all this and taking two jobs working in a factory somewhere with no guarantees that I'll ever have a job from one day to the next. 
No amt of I'm sorry will ever cover for a screw up. 

In all fairness to my wife now, please know she is a very caring lady, I do not wish to disgrace her here in anyway. her fears are valid for sure. All the more for me to consider and again make this thing go. But I cannot let this thread run on forever with everyone forming opinions without at least knowing how it is outside the front door.

Sorry for the rant.....I hope this makes tings a whole lot clearer. if not I'll gladly answer questions.


----------

