# Life after infidelity



## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

I haven't posted in 9 years wow. 9 year ago on April 2 2011 my wife had sex with a friend of mine in a park restroom. I've struggled with this for years, I've had nightmares of this time I've had stints of depression because of it. She left me after the incident taking our 3 year old son at the time with her filed the D and I fell into a place I never imagined I would come back from. But then something happened, I had the kid for a weekend, her and her mom had a fight and we sat and talked, before D day we made the call to try things for the kid, to fight through this together. 

This site has been lost to me for 9 years because it has been the most wonderful 9 years of my life. In a way her infidelity made us stronger now mind you it took alot of work for both of us to get where we are at but we are here. This woman has made it her life's goal to make amends, and I have realized several of my own wrongs in our first 5 years of marriage and corrected them. 

I got a email today from the site and thought people may need to read this someone out there may be ready to call it quits for a stupid mistake with out knowing you can get through it and be great. I thought I would never look at her as I once did, and I won't I look at her in a brighter light then I ever did. We made it through. So if there's anyone out there ready to give up make sure it's really what's best, im a 💯 different man than I was 9 years ago, I'm probably the most successful person in my family history, I dug myself from the trenches of welfare and government housing after her infidelity to give my family more and I done it all because she backed me through it. 

People look at us today not knowing our past and praise how wonderful our family is it's because we been through so much and came out fighting the rest has just feel in place.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Thank you for coming back to share and congratulations on all the progress you have made, it is good to hear about those who have made it past infidelity.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

that is great...but please tell me that your friend is gone from your life


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

Last I heard he moved out of state in fear I was going to cause him harm, (yes I made some noise to that effect that may have reached his ears) I heardthis from one of his ex g/f who also filed and won full custody case for there child together and stripped him of all parental rights for his involvement in crimal activity. Karma really is a _;:_'.


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## AwfullyAngry (Jun 4, 2020)

Confused Husband, I was referred to your post by one of the members here, I’m dealing with something similar and can’t get to move forward 9 months after I found out that my wife had a drunken ONS with a former coworker. I


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

confussed husband said:


> I haven't posted in 9 years wow. 9 year ago on April 2 2011 my wife had sex with a friend of mine in a park restroom. I've struggled with this for years, I've had nightmares of this time I've had stints of depression because of it. She left me after the incident taking our 3 year old son at the time with her filed the D and I fell into a place I never imagined I would come back from. But then something happened, I had the kid for a weekend, her and her mom had a fight and we sat and talked, before D day we made the call to try things for the kid, to fight through this together.
> 
> This site has been lost to me for 9 years because it has been the most wonderful 9 years of my life. In a way her infidelity made us stronger now mind you it took alot of work for both of us to get where we are at but we are here. This woman has made it her life's goal to make amends, and I have realized several of my own wrongs in our first 5 years of marriage and corrected them.
> 
> ...


Good for you guys😊


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Cheating is not a stupid mistake.

It is a conscious decision to step outside the marriage to have a relationship with someone else.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Confused Husband, did you blame yourself for your wife’s actions? So many stories I have read has the betrayed husband taking all or part of the blame.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So your wife wasn’t raped, she finally confessed she cheated?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds like your one in a million. 

We should pick this up again in another 9 years.

In the meanwhile what has your wife done to change her nature and make amends for the horrible cruelty and abuse she inflicted on her family?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Cheating is not a stupid mistake.
> 
> It is a conscious decision to step outside the marriage to have a relationship with someone else.


If you see it as a mistake it's probably easier to live with though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@confussed husband Thanks for checking back in. Glad things worked out.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

I so appreciate your returning to post on your success. Many people struggle with infidelity. Some get through it; some do not. But you set an example of what's possible if both people work together and if there's a willingness to forgive. 

I've been cheated on twice in my life, both times by the same woman. She was my first wife. After the first time, I tried to let it go but couldn't. I was young and insecure, but I really did try. We married after the infidelity, had two kids and divorced nine years later after it happened again. 

She wasn't someone with whom one could fight through it. And then fortunately I never faced it again. Women broke up with me and were soon with someone else. In at least one case I've no doubt my partner was talking and growing emotionally close to someone else while we were struggling. My second wife had an infatuation just before telling me she wanted to end it, but then she set that aside and we worked on the marriage for a year. I don't think anyone other than my first wife cheated or had given up on a relationship before it was over. 

I'm impressed and inspired by what you guys have accomplished.


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## Thevengfulone (Jun 18, 2020)

confussed husband said:


> I haven't posted in 9 years wow. 9 year ago on April 2 2011 my wife had sex with a friend of mine in a park restroom. I've struggled with this for years, I've had nightmares of this time I've had stints of depression because of it. She left me after the incident taking our 3 year old son at the time with her filed the D and I fell into a place I never imagined I would come back from. But then something happened, I had the kid for a weekend, her and her mom had a fight and we sat and talked, before D day we made the call to try things for the kid, to fight through this together.
> 
> This site has been lost to me for 9 years because it has been the most wonderful 9 years of my life. In a way her infidelity made us stronger now mind you it took alot of work for both of us to get where we are at but we are here. This woman has made it her life's goal to make amends, and I have realized several of my own wrongs in our first 5 years of marriage and corrected them.
> 
> ...


Infidelity made us stronger. It's refreshing to see a story like this. Gives out a strong signal that people can lose all hope, yet still find a way to make it through all of the ruins to come out on top! Your a hell of man! Best of luck to you both!


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

AwfullyAngry said:


> Confused Husband, I was referred to your post by one of the members here, I’m dealing with something similar and can’t get to move forward 9 months after I found out that my wife had a drunken ONS with a former coworker. I


You will always have the pain but you gotta let that pain be in the past, you gotta treat things like a new start if she's really wants to make amends she will prove it in actions far better then words.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

ABHale said:


> Cheating is not a stupid mistake.
> 
> It is a conscious decision to step outside the marriage to have a relationship with someone else.


Yes your right, it is a conscious decision and she had the idea at the time the grass was greener on the otherside however the choice to hurt me, the choice to nearly throw everything away was a mistake that she see. We were young Lovers married at 18yr and 20yr, neither of us had ever had a long relationship till we decided to turn a friendship into more. She made the mistake in believing she had missed out on something but in the end we both realized our love ment more then whatever all our friends where doing



ABHale said:


> Confused Husband, did you blame yourself for your wife’s actions? So many stories I have read has the betrayed husband taking all or part of the blame.


I did, I dug into my every action, I brought the guy in my house, I opened the door, I stole her party years by getting married young, I wasn't the only one. We had a mutual friend at the time who took her side, said I was too controlling said I didn't allow her to do things and pushed her away and told me I used our money troubles as a cover up. 



ABHale said:


> So your wife wasn’t raped, she finally confessed she cheated?


Yes she confessed, as mentioned above the mutual friend took her side and she showed me months of messages from this former friend putting me down cause our extra money went to putting us through college, telling her that a real husband should do without so she could go out with friends. Go out and party. On top of this friend she had several guys who were given her all this attention over Facebook, Yahoo messenger ect. Her own momma actually told me at Thanksgiving dinner the year we got back together that my wife was too wild and she was gonna run out again it was only a matter of time in an attempt to devide us (never seen eye to eye with momma). 
Once we talked about it, I mean really talked about it she gave me every detail, we stayed up till 3am one night reliving the event in each other's eyes and she answered any question I could come up with.



sokillme said:


> Sounds like your one in a million.
> 
> We should pick this up again in another 9 years.
> 
> In the meanwhile what has your wife done to change her nature and make amends for the horrible cruelty and abuse she inflicted on her family?


Before everything was, that's my car, that's my money, that's my mine mine mine. Today she hardly refers to anything as mine it's ours or it just doesn't have possession.
As mentioned there was a bit of time where she had all these other guys attention during this time her phone was her life line, multiple Facebook accounts, emails, ect. She deleted everything no social media presence for about 4 months.
Then there's the small things, she's not scared to defend me to friends and family anymore. She pops in randomly at work at times just to bring me a snack or just to say I love you. 
She's really made it clear to friends her family comes before anything and she's lost several Friends simply bye insuring her family came first. 
The biggest thing though I believe is the fact she's realized we moved on from being friends to being Lovers but that didn't mean we couldn't still be friends. She's become my best friend and I hers. If I need advice on anything we talk, and vise versa. She doesn't run to her friends who's been married 4 times and countless relationships when she wants to talk about something If ive done wrong she comes to the source and tells me how I hurt her bye taking a work call during family time ect.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sounds like you have both grown alot through the pain. Great to hear these outcomes. All the best on the future.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ABHale said:


> So your wife wasn’t raped, she finally confessed she cheated?


Jesus. She had sex with your friend in a public restroom, and actually tried to cry *rape* to cover up her cheating? Then she took your kid and left you on top of it?

You're a very forgiving man. Very, very, very forgiving.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus. She had sex with your friend in a public restroom, and actually tried to cry *rape* to cover up her cheating? Then she took your kid and left you on top of it?
> 
> You're a very forgiving man. Very, very, very forgiving.


Agreed. I'm sorry but if the abuse had been physical instead of emotional I suspect the reaction here would be different.

Imagine: my husband put me in the hospital with a cracked skull but he's changed and 9 years later we are still together. That doesn't sound like a happy story to me. In my mind that guy should never be married again to anyone. I don't care if he became Gandhi.

I certainly can't celebrate it? Seems like a tragedy.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Agreed. I'm sorry but if the abuse had been physical instead of emotional I suspect the reaction here would be different.
> 
> Imagine: my husband put me in the hospital with a cracked skull but he's changed and 9 years later we are still together. That doesn't sound like a happy story to me. In my mind that guy should never be married again to anyone. I don't care if he became Gandhi.
> 
> I certainly can't celebrate it? Seems like a tragedy.


That presumes people can't grow or change. I get that many don't. And those that do grow typically do so slowly. But there are exceptions. The past is ultimately just the past for those who can let it go. If a couple was able to move beyond something tragic, that would seem (to me) to be something to be celebrated.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

confussed husband said:


> In a way her infidelity made us stronger now mind you it took alot of work for both of us to get where we are at but we are here. This woman has made it her life's goal to make amends, and I have realized several of my own wrongs in our first 5 years of marriage and corrected them. .


I am like you, I am 7 years out and we are an unrecognizable couple and have endured many hard life experiences together since then, experiences unrelated to her A. I will never ever say the infidelity made us stronger, I will never acredit anything to betrayal.... It was the years of hard difficult work together that made us stronger....that simple.
As for me, no I can't and won't ever trust any spouse blindly and foolishly like I did before, or put her on a pedestal, that's long over with and for the better..... 

Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

In my work as a divorce attorney, I've seen many couples overcome infidelity and come out stronger. I've not had the experience myself but I've witnessed the phenomenon and just that has caused me to stretch and grow as a person. There was a time when I didn't think it possible. 

I wouldn't say the infidelity itself makes a couple stronger. If anything, it makes it harder because now, on top of whatever needed to be fixed, the trust must be rebuilt (and that's not easy). The one who got cheated on typically feels like a fool and their whole world is upended. But it can serve as a catalyst as it makes real that the problems can't be swept under the rug. People realize they either need to move on or they really need to get it in gear and work to resolve the underlying issues that made them vulnerable to an affair. 

It's unfair that the one who got cheated on has to do more of the work so my hat's off to those willing to go through that particular hell.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

One of my long term clients came in with an infidelity story. His wife had a GF who was acting like his WW's cheerleader. Turned out, this GF needed the WW as a "wing girl" as she was the one attracting guys. The GF was encouraging WW to cheat. The end result was WW having an ONS. GF was overjoyed as she really hated my client. Well, we went down the rabbit hole. We dug dirt on the GF, the OM, and the rest of the group of friends. We discovered that GF had done this before, and that she had problems with each and every mate that her friends would have. It was like clockwork. Her gf's would get a boyfriend, and suddenly she is trying to get them to **** around immediately. A well written narrative of her actions was then sent to each of the current and former girlfriends and their respective boyfriends and husbands. This screaming b***h set about calling each GF that had just recently ghosted her. One said that she got an anonymous envelope and in it was your history. You really hate guys, dont you? One week, and she was totally isolated. She tracked the letter down to our firm. Threatened litigation. We went, "nonsense, every bit of evidence is corroborated and documented, all you would do by this action is make this entire thing public. You do not want that" We also stated that our client, who was based out of a southern US state, that we were going to invoke AOA and sue her for every penny. Her hang-up said it all. Our client was getting angrier every day, and his reconciliation was bogging down. We launched the lawsuit. The GF was completely unprepared. She would be a very old woman when she finished paying our client. She broke every rule to contact our client's wife. She said on that phone call that she had encouraged her to screw around because she needed her to attract men. I was getting your cast offs. I poisoned your marriage so that I could continue to get laid, I was not your friend. I was your pimp. That met with a scream and a cry. "YOU ****ED ME OVER TO GET LAID?" "WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?" We were recording her calls. My client and his wife sat down that night, and hashed out what had really transpired. They are not reconciling. We are proceeding with the litigation. The GF will be lucky to buy a big mac a month. Our Law firm in SC says that GF's lawyers are apoplectic. She is screwed. She has begged my client to see his way clear to reconcile. She says that inserting herself in their marriage was a life ending mistake. She is so very very depressed that when the gavel comes down, she will have to be placed on suicide watch.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Taxman said:


> One of my long term clients came in with an infidelity story. His wife had a GF who was acting like his WW's cheerleader. Turned out, this GF needed the WW as a "wing girl" as she was the one attracting guys. The GF was encouraging WW to cheat. The end result was WW having an ONS. GF was overjoyed as she really hated my client. Well, we went down the rabbit hole. We dug dirt on the GF, the OM, and the rest of the group of friends. We discovered that GF had done this before, and that she had problems with each and every mate that her friends would have. It was like clockwork. Her gf's would get a boyfriend, and suddenly she is trying to get them to **** around immediately. A well written narrative of her actions was then sent to each of the current and former girlfriends and their respective boyfriends and husbands. This screaming b***h set about calling each GF that had just recently ghosted her. One said that she got an anonymous envelope and in it was your history. You really hate guys, dont you? One week, and she was totally isolated. She tracked the letter down to our firm. Threatened litigation. We went, "nonsense, every bit of evidence is corroborated and documented, all you would do by this action is make this entire thing public. You do not want that" We also stated that our client, who was based out of a southern US state, that we were going to invoke AOA and sue her for every penny. Her hang-up said it all. Our client was getting angrier every day, and his reconciliation was bogging down. We launched the lawsuit. The GF was completely unprepared. She would be a very old woman when she finished paying our client. She broke every rule to contact our client's wife. She said on that phone call that she had encouraged her to screw around because she needed her to attract men. I was getting your cast offs. I poisoned your marriage so that I could continue to get laid, I was not your friend. I was your pimp. That met with a scream and a cry. "YOU ****ED ME OVER TO GET LAID?" "WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?" We were recording her calls. My client and his wife sat down that night, and hashed out what had really transpired. They are not reconciling. We are proceeding with the litigation. The GF will be lucky to buy a big mac a month. Our Law firm in SC says that GF's lawyers are apoplectic. She is screwed. She has begged my client to see his way clear to reconcile. She says that inserting herself in their marriage was a life ending mistake. She is so very very depressed that when the gavel comes down, she will have to be placed on suicide watch.


curious Taxman what ever happen to the couple?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

This was approximately five years ago. He proceeded to divorce. His ex realized that she had been manipulated into destroying her own marriage and fought the D all along the way. Her infidelity was a deal-breaker and she was beyond angered that she felt she was not completely to blame. When the D became final, she launched her own lawsuit against the GF. By this time GF was fending off one lawsuit, and dealing with the ultimate loss of every friendship she ever knew. I anticipated that there would be a blow up, and there was. GF could not deal with more lawsuits and being isolated. She attempted and was found. Few weeks later she succeeded. WW took this badly. Felt that she had pushed her former friend into suicide. She contacted her former husband. He was sad but he said that she was instrumental in our breakup, there was no other way to punish her. His ex said to him, that if we split, she wins, even in death. She wins. They slowly began to talk. They are still D to this day, however, they moved back in together about six months ago, before COVID19. Last time I spoke to him, they are together, but he does not want to marry. She promised complete faithfulness. He had several other relationships after the D. She is bothered by this, but has not a word to say, had she not been the wing girl, then none of this drama would have filled their lives. They are wounded but limping along. (He told me that he still curses her dead GF. Prays that hell is never-ending pain for her.)


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

What state did all of this happen in? Sounds like a place where fault based divorce lives on in some form.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

That’s what I thought. You tucked tail and gave in. Damn.

What about you getting married so young? When do you get to go out and have sex with other women and get a free pass? She took your youth as well.

No self respect, no respect given back.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

ABHale said:


> That’s what I thought. You tucked tail and gave in. Damn.
> 
> What about you getting married so young? When do you get to go out and have sex with other women and get a free pass? She took your youth as well.
> 
> No self respect, no respect given back.


I see it now for what it is, call me a coward no self respect ect. It doesn't matter. I married a girl, I gave that girl my youth and she gave me a son. The reality of my forgiveness is I seen that son being ripped from my arms and I seen an opening to prevent that when we reconciled, I would live with the devil himself to know I get to see my children grow. What I didn't expect was the fact I was reconciling with a true woman. It's taken 9 years to be able to write this, but I'll never forget the pain and she knows it. She sees it and owns it. I may never know what's worse, the pain or seeing it in a loved ones eyes knowing you caused it but I do know we are different people today and no one can tear down what we have built.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Taxman said:


> When the D became final, she launched her own lawsuit against the GF. By this time GF was fending off one lawsuit, and dealing with the ultimate loss of every friendship she ever knew.


So she blamed the GF because she decided to get a little strange on the side. Sounds like a typical cheating spouse whose lifestyle took a hit and she wanted to walk it back to best she could.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

confussed husband said:


> I see it now for what it is, call me a coward no self respect ect. It doesn't matter. I married a girl, I gave that girl my youth and she gave me a son. The reality of my forgiveness is I seen that son being ripped from my arms and I seen an opening to prevent that when we reconciled, I would live with the devil himself to know I get to see my children grow. What I didn't expect was the fact I was reconciling with a true woman. It's taken 9 years to be able to write this, but I'll never forget the pain and she knows it. She sees it and owns it. I may never know what's worse, the pain or seeing it in a loved ones eyes knowing you caused it but I do know we are different people today and no one can tear down what we have built.


What is your son going to think of you when he finds out what went on?

My parents divorced before I started school because my mom cheated. I knew about it by the time I turned 8 or 9. I have ALL the respect in the world for my dad because he respected himself.

Found out about 8 years ago that my dads younger brother, who died a year or two before my parents divorced, was cheated on by his wife. He tried the pick me dance and had no self respect from what I was told. He died in an accident and his wife was with someone new with in the month, that’s love for you.

Your son will know what happened one day. Great example you will be for him. Just turn the check son and stay if you have kids.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Divorce doesn’t mean you won’t be there for your kid. It gives you an opportunity to show him what a truly loving relationship looks like.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Parallax857 said:


> After the first time, I tried to let it go but couldn't. I was young and insecure, but I really did try. We married after the infidelity, had two kids and divorced nine years later after it happened again.


So you married her after she cheated on you and then she cheated on again 9 years later - almost the exact same timeline as our OP coming here to update us. I hope he doesn’t find out in the next year that his FWW has done it again, as well. 

implicit in your statement is that you somehow caused your WW’s 2nd act of infidelity because you “couldn’t let it go” in the first case. yet you married her and extended her grace, and that certainly seems like forgiveness to me. She returned that grace by being unfaithful a 2nd time (as far as you know).


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

confussed husband said:


> Last I heard he moved out of state in fear *I was going to cause him harm*, (yes I made some noise to that effect that may have reached his ears) I heardthis from one of his ex g/f who also filed and won full custody case for there child together and stripped him of all parental rights for his involvement in crimal activity. *Karma really is a ;:'*.


From September 2011 you posted:
_the other guy is mia, *da said he would file rape charges* but he had to know where to pick the guy up at and they already cant locate the guy to pick him up on violation probation _

*Your wife filed false accusations about rape*. Was she ever charged criminally for that? Did she ever tell the DA so the guy could get his name cleared? For whatever else the guy is, a cheater, a scumbag, a criminal, whatever, he was not a rapist.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*confussed husband* made a choice. You guys don't have to abuse him for the choice he made. It's his life not yours. Lay off the guy.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I know a guy who's wife had an PA. He was in pain for years and finally D after fifteen years. He never really got over it until he left her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> *confussed husband* made a choice. You guys don't have to abuse him for the choice he made. It's his life not yours. Lay off the guy.


Speaking as a moderator, I agree with @bandit.45. Cut out the abusive remarks and snide comments.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I have no doubt the marriage may be better but I would never believe they are good marriages. At least when compared to marriage without infidelity.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

confussed husband said:


> I see it now for what it is, call me a coward no self respect ect. It doesn't matter. I married a girl, I gave that girl my youth and she gave me a son. The reality of my forgiveness is I seen that son being ripped from my arms and I seen an opening to prevent that when we reconciled, I would live with the devil himself to know I get to see my children grow. What I didn't expect was the fact I was reconciling with a true woman. It's taken 9 years to be able to write this, but I'll never forget the pain and she knows it. She sees it and owns it. I may never know what's worse, the pain or seeing it in a loved ones eyes knowing you caused it but I do know we are different people today and no one can tear down what we have built.


It may be useful to those who are trying to reconcile, or who are in false reconcilation if you were to be more specific about the steps she took to repair the marriage (and repair you). Learning about others' experiences are part of the strengths of this forum.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

sokillme said:


> I have no doubt the marriage may be better but I would never believe they are good marriages. At least when compared to marriage without infidelity.


"Good Marriage" or "Bad Marriage" implies that there's a binary state. You can have a "Good Marriage" that could have been better under certain circumstances, but may still be better than many other marriages that are also considered "Good Marriages." 

If they had a marriage where there was no infidelity, but they were just sleepwalking through the relationship, would that still be better than a marriage in which there was infidelity, but the process of reconciliation made them more sensitive to each other and made them expend more energy into the preservation and caretaking of the relationship?

I say this because one of our long-term posters, @Affaircare frequently posts about how her marriage overcame her own infidelities.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

@Wolfman1968

You can't compare different marriages. 

There, most certainly, exists marriages that are worse than a reconciled after an affair.

You can also state that a marriage without infidellity that is worked on, people are sensitive to each other and practice the verb love is most certainly better than the same marrige but with infidellity.

Much more tjsn that can't be said. It's a gray scale from there...

Though infidellity is a very big negative inpact so very difficult to get to a point where the marriage is actually better after...


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