# My GF refuses to contact me...



## trailwalker (Apr 24, 2013)

My gf and I have been together for over 2 years. However, if there is any communication between us it is totally up to me to initiate the conversation. 

For instance, we don't live together but I spend at least 4 nights a week at her home. I leave for work in the morning and on some days return to my home for that particular night. If I do not make some form of contact with her (phone, email, text) until let's say the evening after 5 or 6 then she becomes rather bothered and wonders what I've been up to all day to not contact her. But the same rules apparently do not apply for her. She can go all day long with no contact whatsoever and it's just fine with her. 

I've actually had to, on several occasions, ask her to please contact me with just a simple text to say "Hi sweetie, i hope your day is going well." Or something very simple like that. But of course she still refuses to make the effort. I have no idea what it's like to get a phone call from my gf on a random occasion just to say hello or I miss you, etc. 

I really don't understand her unwillingness to proactively contact me. Especially when I've made it clear that this is one really simple act that would make me feel special to her and obviously keep us bonded together. 

Her rationale is that she "doesn't contact men." Okay, well I certainly appreciate that in a women when she allows me to pursue. But I am supposedly not just another "man" and we are certainly not just starting out here... we've been together for over TWO YEARS! 

My question is, do any of you guys have this situation and do any of you girls treat your boyfriend / husband this way? Also, is there any chance of this odd behavior changing?


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## Keeponrollin (May 14, 2013)

After 2 years and she still playing that card? A couple of questions for you..
1) who contacts who to go out on dates?
2) Does she tell you not to come over when you ask?

After 2 years of dating there should be no playing games and that is what it sounds like is game playing to me.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

trailwalker said:


> My gf and I have been together for over 2 years. However, if there is any communication between us it is totally up to me to initiate the conversation.
> 
> For instance, we don't live together but I spend at least 4 nights a week at her home. I leave for work in the morning and on some days return to my home for that particular night. If I do not make some form of contact with her (phone, email, text) until let's say the evening after 5 or 6 then she becomes rather bothered and wonders what I've been up to all day to not contact her. But the same rules apparently do not apply for her. She can go all day long with no contact whatsoever and it's just fine with her.
> 
> ...


If neither of you is willing to give the other what they really want during the day, it's an issue. Someone needs to make the first move during the day. I don't think you should even go one day without contacting her, even if she doesn't. It will make her feel insecure, and then she will feel like she is hounding you and admitting that she's insecure if she messages you. Emotionally, she sounds a bit messed up needing so much assurance and not willing to understand you can feel the same as her. Her relationship with men must be that she always allowed me to have all the power in a relationship in the past. Now it sounds like she's overcompensating. But on your part, if you feel emotionally bonded to her, don't let a whole day pass without letting her know how you feel. If after several months of this, and maybe cutting back on sex and overnights and increasing other forms of reassurances and security-building, she is still not reciprocating despite you stating your needs, if she's not willing to go to counseling and try to work it out, I'd bail. Emotional bonding and reassurances are a 2-way street. You don't want to sentence yourself to a lifetime of feeling unloved during the day.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

She's a twit. After two years this is stupid behavior.


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## trailwalker (Apr 24, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If neither of you is willing to give the other what they really want during the day, it's an issue. Someone needs to make the first move during the day. I don't think you should even go one day without contacting her, even if she doesn't. It will make her feel insecure, and then she will feel like she is hounding you and admitting that she's insecure if she messages you. Emotionally, she sounds a bit messed up needing so much assurance and not willing to understand you can feel the same as her. Her relationship with men must be that she always allowed me to have all the power in a relationship in the past. Now it sounds like she's overcompensating. But on your part, if you feel emotionally bonded to her, don't let a whole day pass without letting her know how you feel. If after several months of this, and maybe cutting back on sex and overnights and increasing other forms of reassurances and security-building, she is still not reciprocating despite you stating your needs, if she's not willing to go to counseling and try to work it out, I'd bail. Emotional bonding and reassurances are a 2-way street. You don't want to sentence yourself to a lifetime of feeling unloved during the day.


Thanks for your reply. And to clarify, I always do contact her throughout the day, multiple times. My job is pretty routine as most are. So I might relay to her what I'm having for lunch or perhaps to inquire of how her day is going. I however never get this type of proactive communication from her. If I wait until the evening to contact, just as a test to see if she realizes we haven't talked, then I get in "trouble."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?


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## trailwalker (Apr 24, 2013)

Keeponrollin said:


> After 2 years and she still playing that card? A couple of questions for you..
> 1) who contacts who to go out on dates?
> 2) Does she tell you not to come over when you ask?
> 
> After 2 years of dating there should be no playing games and that is what it sounds like is game playing to me.


I usually make the plans, however we rarely go out much as she has a lovely home and we enjoy it very much together. She is always available and has never told me not to come over. 

This seems to be a situation where perhaps she doesn't have anything to say. But sometimes I don't either or I might be busy and prefer to get all my things accomplished first and then spend time on the phone with her at night. But, the problem is she doesn't like it when that happens. So, here we go again. I must proactively contact, but she doesn't have to reciprocate.

And to be clear, I really do think of her all day long and enjoy contacting her. I however do not get the same treatment and it seams like without her contacting me, she isn't thinking of me or our relationship.


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## trailwalker (Apr 24, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?


She is 55 and I am 43.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

trailwalker said:


> Thanks for your reply. And to clarify, I always do contact her throughout the day, multiple times. My job is pretty routine as most are. So I might relay to her what I'm having for lunch or perhaps to inquire of how her day is going. I however never get this type of proactive communication from her. If I wait until the evening to contact, just as a test to see if she realizes we haven't talked, then I get in "trouble."


In your post, I thought I read that even if you don't contact her, she doesn't contact you, and that it was an issue, that you would go the whole day not contacting her after an overnight, and then go home to your apartment? You're testing her, and she knows it. Testing is not okay in a relationship. You should be able to communicate to her when you are thinking about her, and also let her know you enjoy hearing from her, too. If she never contacts you first, despite you dropping a hint, then you have to decide how much that reassurance means to you. But testing....yuk! people are not psychology experiments or Pavlov's dogs. They are people, imperfections included free of charge.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

trailwalker said:


> She is 55 and I am 43.


So women in that age group were taught to let the men contact them. (I'm 63 so I was too.)

But that's not a rule for long term boyfriends. She's taking it a bit too far.

YOu might want to ask her at what time in a relationship does she think it's ok for her to call a man? 3 years? Only after marriage? Never?


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## trailwalker (Apr 24, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> In your post, I thought I read that even if you don't contact her, she doesn't contact you, and that it was an issue, that you would go the whole day not contacting her after an overnight, and then go home to your apartment? You're testing her, and she knows it. Testing is not okay in a relationship. You should be able to communicate to her when you are thinking about her, and also let her know you enjoy hearing from her, too. If she never contacts you first, despite you dropping a hint, then you have to decide how much that reassurance means to you. But testing....yuk! people are not psychology experiments or Pavlov's dogs. They are people, imperfections included free of charge.


Thanks for your reply again. Perhaps I am not being as clear as I thought. She never proactively contacts me in any form. If we talk on the phone, text or email, it's because I have initiated the communication. So, as a test, I wanted her to see what it was like to not be contacted by me all day (one day) like she treats me EVERY day...


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## trailwalker (Apr 24, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So women in that age group were taught to let the men contact them. (I'm 63 so I was too.)
> 
> But that's not a rule for long term boyfriends. She's taking it a bit too far.
> 
> YOu might want to ask her at what time in a relationship does she think it's ok for her to call a man? 3 years? Only after marriage? Never?


Thank you, good point...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

trailwalker said:


> Thanks for your reply. And to clarify, I always do contact her throughout the day, multiple times. My job is pretty routine as most are. So I might relay to her what I'm having for lunch or perhaps to inquire of how her day is going. I however never get this type of proactive communication from her. If I wait until the evening to contact, just as a test to see if she realizes we haven't talked, then I get in "trouble."


I'd tell her I wanted a partner who's an equal in the relationship and that because I respected her equality, I would abide by her rules and refuse to call women - including my girlfriend of two years.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

What a stupid teenage game she's playing!

To be honest I thought she was 20 and you a bit older.

Anyway, she's gotta understand that you're not every other man or just "men" in general. You're supposed to be her special man so she doesn't always have to wait for you to initiate contact. 
These games are fun at the beginning for the relationship but after 2 years they get tiring, old and consuming. They don't make sense anymore.

Could it be that she's simply not that much into you?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

trailwalker said:


> * I however never get this type of proactive communication from her.* If I wait until the evening to contact, just as a test to see if she realizes we haven't talked,
> *then I get in "trouble.*"


This part....then you get in Trouble... give us an example...what will she say to you, if you have allowed the day to pass without a call ?? ... she does THIS... then when you tell her heartfully that you'd like some random calls, texts from her end....surprise you...show she is thinking of you... SOMETHING...and she makes excuses...

She is very inconsiderate for one...with a set expectation of you - where she feels she is exempt to "give back"...a healthy "give & take"....no self awareness from her end....a very bad sign in a mate....will cause alot of this .... if it 's not worked out.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

She's playing a game. So you have a choice. You can play to win, or you can withdraw and find a new playmate.

I recommend you find someone else. However, if you want to play to win, then cease all contact today. Don't just cease contact for a day, and then call that night apologizing. I mean don't talk to her, go to see her, text her, email her, or anything else, until she contacts you first. If that takes 1 day, 2 days, 3 weeks, or years, just wait her out. And don't let her scold you for doing it. If she breaks down and calls you to tell you that you're in trouble, then refuse to accept her call. Tell her to call you back when she wants to talk to you like an adult and enjoy each other's company. And then wait her out again.

It sounds like she has the power in your relationship. You need to shift the balance of power and claim your fair share.

Good luck.


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## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

I do not contact him because he was always contacting me by text, e mails, etc every hour of the day. I did not have time to even miss him.

I also am not good at small talks, not even on the telephone. 
When he made these comments about how he felt, I have proactively made an effort to send him texts asking how his day was going. It make have take a while but I did, since now he barely does contact me trough the day. He is being unfair.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

There are at least four he-said, she-said threads going on.

I don't know that it is a forum record, but it does point to a wee bit of trouble in the relationship.


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## Jamie.11 (Feb 20, 2013)

Reading about your post made me think that maybe you’re from a younger age group and what she’s doing is leaning towards the negative aspect of things. However, with you clarifying your age, I guess there is no need to worry. Women that age need their independence. They need to be focused on what they’re doing and you would have to let them be.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You two are still together?? I cant help but ask...WHY??


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