# What's your take on my husband



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 15 mos. 
We've had a few blowouts when he's been drinking. One time he threw a beer bottle and I told him I wanted a divorce. I didn't want a divorce, I said it out of anger.

I just lost my mother in June and my husbands kids were giving him a hard time about visiting this summer (they live 8 hours away). It's been tough to say the least but we have been making it.

We had a few arguments in July/Aug. The last one was a blow out. I get tired of asking him to do things and I finally told him if this is what being a wife is..this is not what I signed up for. I feel lke a mother and a maid sometimes. He just doesn't listen.

It spiraled out of control. We were arguing about what we argued about. He seems to focus on the negative. I listed things that we could work on and he won't have it. It got so bad, one night we both slept at hotels. The next he slept in his truck. That weekend he told me grabbed the tent and had planned to camp out for the weekend and figure it out after the weekend.With that being said, I hopped on a flight to Ft. Lauderdale to recharge for the weekend. Just sit and reflect. When I got back we started fighting again. He told me he had checked out and wanted a divorce. That was a month ago. He is now staying with a friend.

We hardly talk. He ignores me. He is so angry at/with me. He doesn't want to work it out. But doesn't want to talk about moving forward to dissolve the marriage. I told him if he wanted a divorce he can do the work.

We talked last week and all he could do is sit there with a score card of everything I didn't do. (which isnt' that much). He's mad that I wuoldn't even look at him when I saw him at the gym. But won't hold a conversation outside.

He has just left our house and has left me to do everything. Oh, he did take out our boat and contributes $1,000 out of our $2,400 bills. I told him today I don't want a divorce but if that's what he wants that's what he'll get. He just ignores everything.

What is up with this man?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you guys date before getting married? How old are you too?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

Dated 2 years. I'm 40. He's 41.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First thing is to determine what's really going on here.

What is it that he wants you to do that you think is unreasonable. I assume we are talking about housework, cooking, shopping, and other home chores.

What were each of you doing before this being fight?

What % of your joint income do you bring in?


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Is this your first marriage?

My wife says...

Wives want security and stability.. Someone to grow old with.. to be happy with..

Guys want sex, food, clean clothes and a wife that adores him..


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

He's not at all deprived of ANYTHING. I like being his wife. I do most of the cleaning, the cooking, and laundry. He's good if I ask. I don't get on him much. One thing in particular, a foul smell has been coming out of our tub.

His child support is deducted from his paycheck. So, we bring home the same amount of money. 

My husband has no credit. His first marital home is being forclosed on. His kids won't speak to him because they only wanted to visit for 2 weeks. His mother abused him as a kid. Apparently, his ex wife was controlling. I can't help but think this is effecting our marriage. 

yes. this is my first marriage. 

If he wants a divorce so bad, why is he just sitting on his rear. I've gone over every scenario in my head. Is there someone else? Does he needs space. Is he really done? 

Just in July he was telling me how happy he was.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

maidenchick said:


> He's not at all deprived of ANYTHING. I like being his wife. I do most of the cleaning, the cooking, and laundry. He's good if I ask. I don't get on him much. One thing in particular, a foul smell has been coming out of our tub.
> 
> His child support is deducted from his paycheck. So, we bring home the same amount of money.
> 
> ...


Is there any chance he has someone else?

Very rarely will a guy leave his wife unless he has one in the bullpen warming up. He thinks he has a better deal...


----------



## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_We talked last week and all he could do is sit there with a score card of everything I didn't do._

_Apparently, his ex wife was controlling._



Hmmmm . . . . . . . . . . . .


----------



## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

May I ask, 
how long did he go from wife # 1 to you? You mentioned that his marital home is being forclosed on. Did he have time to heal? 
Are you the rebound?
For me....having my home in forclosure would be hard. Hard to tell whats going on in his head. If he's unwilling to talk...nothing you can do but move on.


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

I have thougth about that too. If he does, she's dumb because he's only been out of the house 4 weeks. Our pics are still all over FB and we are still listed married. So...if so....he's weak and she's not a quality woman...good luck with that!


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

BWBill said:


> _We talked last week and all he could do is sit there with a score card of everything I didn't do._
> 
> _Apparently, his ex wife was controlling._
> 
> ...


He's like a child tit for tat. he made a comment about how i get up early now to go to the gym, but didn't when he was at the house.
It's all crap. I have done so much for this man.


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

hereinthemidwest said:


> May I ask,
> how long did he go from wife # 1 to you? You mentioned that his marital home is being forclosed on. Did he have time to heal?
> Are you the rebound?
> For me....having my home in forclosure would be hard. Hard to tell whats going on in his head. If he's unwilling to talk...nothing you can do but move on.


2 years. that marriage was done. 
I think he's just the messed up....


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

hambone said:


> Is there any chance he has someone else?
> 
> Very rarely will a guy leave his wife unless he has one in the bullpen warming up. He thinks he has a better deal...


I have thougth about that too. If he does, she's dumb because he's only been out of the house 4 weeks. Our pics are still all over FB and we are still listed married. So...if so....he's weak and she's not a quality woman...good luck with that!


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

These are some serious red flags...



maidenchick said:


> His child support is deducted from his paycheck. ....


This is usually only done when he hadn't been paying voluntarily.
(That might only be the way my state handles CS)



> Apparently, his ex wife was controlling. I can't help but think this is effecting our marriage.


This is familiar and another red flag.

It could well be true but it is most often due to the fact that he was a ****ty husband.
She wasn't being "controlling" she just tried to force him to do his part.He perceives it as trying to "control" him.
I think you might see where she was coming from by now.



> If he wants a divorce so bad, why is he just sitting on his rear. I've gone over every scenario in my head. Is there someone else? Does he needs space. Is he really done?


Dunno, you may never know either.
What should you do about that?

Stop wondering about where his head is, where's your's?

You're only 15 months in legally.
A partner like this could ruin you for years.
What will you tolerate?
When is it "enough"?


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

tacoma said:


> these are some serious red flags...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


love this!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maidenchick said:


> We had a few arguments in July/Aug. The last one was a blow out. I get tired of asking him to do things and I finally told him if this is what being a wife is..this is not what I signed up for. I feel lke a mother and a maid sometimes. He just doesn't listen.





maidenchick said:


> He's not at all deprived of ANYTHING. I like being his wife. I do most of the cleaning, the cooking, and laundry. He's good if I ask. I don't get on him much. One thing in particular, a foul smell has been coming out of our tub.


You bring in about half of the income and do most of the work around the house and chores. And now he’s upset because you want him to do take responsibility for his part of things. Do I have that right?

Call a plumber about the foul smell out of the tub. 

As others have suggested, his ex was not controlling. She was most likely having the same problem you are having.

Just about the only chance you have of getting his attention is for you to file for divorce. He does not expect that. He most likely thinks that he is in control and can punish you into begging him to come back and then you will stop bugging him to do things. That way you will be his mommy and take care of him and he gets a pretty easy life.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

maidenchick said:


> I have thougth about that too. If he does, she's dumb because he's only been out of the house 4 weeks. Our pics are still all over FB and we are still listed married. So...if so....he's weak and she's not a quality woman...good luck with that!


Doesn't make any difference if she's a quality woman or not to some men in certain situations.

All he has to do is perceive that its' a better deal... in the short run.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd be really curious to hear his side of the story... Without that, I doubt we'll be able to guess what's up with him. What do YOU think you've all been fighting about? What were things like before you got married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

tacoma said:


> These are some serious red flags...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Call me crazy, I thought marriage was about working it out. Not running. That's what he's doing. he's at a friends, probably boozing it up and not dealing with reality. Coward move if you ask me. He gets stuff from the house when I'm not there.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

maidenchick said:


> Call me crazy, I thought marriage was about working it out. Not running. That's what he's doing. he's at a friends, probably boozing it up and not dealing with reality. Coward move if you ask me. He gets stuff from the house when I'm not there.


Have you drawn clear boundaries with him?
If you haven't, do so.
If you have in the past re-iterate them firmly.

Just because he won't talk is no reason why you can't.
Tell him what you expect of him and the cost of not meeting those expectations then stand firm.

If you've done all this, what do YOU want to do?


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

I asked him if we could go to counseling so we could figure out how to speak to each other without offending the other. He sayd he doesnt' want to change who I am. 
Cop out...


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

maidenchick said:


> Call me crazy, I thought marriage was about working it out. Not running. That's what he's doing. he's at a friends, probably boozing it up and not dealing with reality. Coward move if you ask me. He gets stuff from the house when I'm not there.


Well, you were the first one to fight dirty by throwing out the D word. That alone can destroy the other person's faith in the marriage. 

I would suggest you just give him space. If he wants a divorce, then he will file. If he wants to work it out, he will either come back, or communicate that to you somehow. Just go about your life and let him deal with himself for a while. It sounds like he jumped relationships too quickly, and has found that another woman (you) wont tolerate his crap either.


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well, you were the first one to fight dirty by throwing out the D word. That alone can destroy the other person's faith in the marriage.
> 
> I would suggest you just give him space. If he wants a divorce, then he will file. If he wants to work it out, he will either come back, or communicate that to you somehow. Just go about your life and let him deal with himself for a while. It sounds like he jumped relationships too quickly, and has found that another woman (you) wont tolerate his crap either.


He's just squatting at his friends house rent free. He's helping me a little, but has made no attempt to come over and get the house ready to sell (if we divorce). His kids are due here on thanksgiving and that will be a another issue in itself. The ex will have a problem w/3 kids at a friends house.......


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well Thanksgiving is still quite a ways off. If there is hell to pay with the ex, then luckily for you that isnt YOUR problem!  I would say give him a few more weeks to sit and pout, and if he still wont communicate and try to work things out, then assume he is serious and file yourself. You can always put a stop to it if things turn around. You can only live in limbo for so long.


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well Thanksgiving is still quite a ways off. If there is hell to pay with the ex, then luckily for you that isnt YOUR problem!  I would say give him a few more weeks to sit and pout, and if he still wont communicate and try to work things out, then assume he is serious and file yourself. You can always put a stop to it if things turn around. You can only live in limbo for so long.


Thank you. Everyone has been helpful. This is extremely painful. How do you lose your mom and husband within 2 mos. These posts have been helpful.


----------



## maidenchick (Sep 23, 2013)

Hi All, 

I was able to speak with my husband last night. He really is a piece of work. Back in the spring he asked his xwife to bring his kids to counseling. and he would go to. He does not have a good relationship with his kids. His oldest daughter, 16 still reaches out to me. I always ask them what they need from their father. She said counseling. 

So now he his convinced I'm bad mouthing him to his kids. (his ex does) that is not the case, and I explained tohim that HE made the promise and I just asked the kids what they need from him. He doesn't even call them. All he does is text them hello. how are you doing. His head is so clogged with negative.

He also said stop talking to kids. I told his daughter that her father wasn't happy that we still talk. Se said So, you are a part of my life. SO with that being said, I told her i wouldn't leave her and she said thank you. She has been diagnosed with depression and on medication. I just try to text her and see how she is doing. He is barely the conversation. She does know we are having issues. She is angry because she said I brought them together as a family. I was good for him and them.

He continues to focus on the negative. He's upset because I told him by ignoring me he is acting like a child. And that he's being a coward by hiding out at his buddy's house.

He just can't handle the truth.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What are you going to do about it?


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

What do you like about this man? How did you not see some of these red flags before you got married? He sounds like a sulking, immature man-child who cannot handle any type of serious relationship (including a relationship with his own KIDS). Wow.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

So, you've been married just over a year and...

he drinks too much
you two fight A LOT
he's thrown something in anger
he can't get along with his ex-wife, even for the kids' sake
he doesn't get along with the kids
his wages are being garnished for child support
he refuses counseling to fix your marriage
he refuses counseling with his children
he is providing less than 50% of the household income ($1K/$2.4K)
he does not help around the house
he is full of excuses

Whew, that's quite a laundry list. Would you be able to think up even 4 positive things about being married to him? (that's rhetorical, by the way)

I'm not seeing an upside to this relationship; seems like he learned NOTHING from his last failed relationship and did not 'grow' one iota in the intervening years.

Life is short....LIVE it!


----------



## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

Agree with slowly why would you waste any more of your time.


----------



## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

Your husband sounds angry and depressed....not a good combination. The last thing he should have done was get into any relationship....let alone get married. His life is out of control.

Time to focus on you. Do what's best for you. I wouldn't rush into anything, but when you are ready, divorce might be your best option. You're still young. Do not have any kids with this man.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

The smell coming from the tub could be trapped hair. In the meantime, you can pour some bleach down the drain and see if that helps.


----------

