# This whole divorce has been really confusing.



## JaxJag (May 3, 2015)

Thanks in advance to all who read it, and extra thanks to those who provide insight. Please no "What's the problem? Count your blessings, you're better off" posts. I'm legitimately confused.

So my wife ended up leaving me in April, about a month shy of our one-year anniversary. Our relationship had been particularly troublesome, but despite the chaos, there was a system to it, and I was fine with that. I knew this going into the marriage, and I never had any intention of ever getting divorced. Of course, I have my regrets because I wasn't perfect by any means, but all the while, I felt like her course of action was angry, decisive, and brutal. We had moved into a townhouse last year, and she took it upon herself to move all of her belongings in for the household. I never really had a say, despite that my furniture, electronics, and decor was a whole lot better than what she furnished the house in. Needless to say, when she left me, she moved everything out on the spot, and I had a completely empty house. I had loaned her a sum of money a week prior to her leaving, which was all the accessible cash that I had on me. As a result, I literally slept on the floor for 2 weeks until I got paid again. 

We had spent the last week of our marriage arguing. My mother was in the hospital from a serious allergic reaction to her new medication, and my wife never even came out to see my mom with me. Instead, she spent all of her time looking forward to a charity event for work that was happening that week, something I thought was tasteless of her to do given the circumstances, and because she had the time for that, but not for family. I would come home that Friday night, and she had already left for the event. She comes back home the next morning with her parents. Asks me for the townhouse, a divorce, and when I decline giving her the townhouse, she tells me that the movers were on their way. Instead of being a long talk, it was all of 2 minutes, with her parents 10 feet away. That is how my marriage ended.

For a while there, I thought she wasn't doing anything, and just taking her sweet time. That is, until I was served papers 3 weeks later. The panic set in. The paperwork was hatefully typed up by her lawyer. Instead of going without a fault, she chose irreconcilable differences on the grounds of cruelty on my behalf. She asked for a speedy trial, $50k, spousal support, lawyer's fees, the townhouse, her 2014 taxes, and all sorts of other stuff that would essentially crucify me financially. I had 20 days to respond, and the hearing would be on the 21st day. What the hell do I do?

Now, any guys reading this, don't try this at home. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm a genius, or if this was how it was all going to turn out from the beginning. Mind you, we don't have kids. So what did I do? I took my sweet ass time is what I did. I had until 5pm to respond on the 20th day. When did I turn in my response? 4:59pm on the 20th day, and our hearing was at 9am the next morning. Instead of turning it in to her lawyer, I turned it in directly to the court. The response was concise, but scathing. I didn't curse, nor was I particularly vicious, but I denied all allegations and supported my denial with her flaws, which I had documented. I didn't hire counsel, on a risky strategy where I would ask the court to give me time for counsel since she left me in such a desolate state. Having to switch the utilities to my name, furnish the apartment, and close out existing bills? Yeah, I could've afforded counsel at the last minute, but what good was that going to do me?

The day of the hearing, I show up early, and she shows up right at 9am. We do the "all rise" song and dance, and afterward her lawyer immediately summons me to a room outside of the courtroom. He tells me that she's willing to drop everything, all charges, allegations, and demands in exchange for me removing her from our lease. Now a little about my wife: She makes $20/hr at 31 years old, with a mountain of debt and bad credit, and her parents paid for her lawyer's fees. This isn't an attack on her, by any means, I'm just trying to illustrate the fact that if there's anyone in this world that would need money from a divorce, it'd be her. She's not a daddy's girl by any means, so all debts incurred from her parents must be paid back, since they're not made of money either. My response to the divorce was nice and tight, but I honestly can't tell if my strategy of waiting until the last minute actually paid off and caught everyone off guard, if her lawyer is that much of a pansy, or if this was how the cookie was going to crumble anyway.

I mean, think about it, my wife literally had her parents pay $5000 to retain a lawyer so that he could ask for my signature. I would've given it to her. I know he racked up as much cost as possible, because the packet that I was served with was so thick, I couldn't rip it in half out of anger. After the hearing, he emailed me at least a dozen times, called me just as many times, and even had documents mailed to my address. Things eventually got suspiciously pressing, like me giving up my signature. The deal was that we were going to do that on rent day, but instead, I was being harassed for it way sooner than that, so I'm thinking that the retainer was running out, and her parents weren't willing to spend more money. 

That being said, what do you guys make of all of this? She could've robbed me blind. There was a high chance that the court wouldn't have granted me the time to seek counsel. I have money that's for the taking, and by all indication of the divorce decree, she was going after it. The $50k might've been a stretch, but she probably could've gotten attorney's fees and spousal support for 6 months. Even had I given her 25% of my make in a month, it's way more than her salary. I loved her, but I was no slouch. I prepared myself for whatever was to come with banking statements, text message/email/voicemail, videos, police reports, testimony from friends and neighbors... but still, without a lawyer, I could've only gone so far. I wasn't perfect by any means, but the abrupt end to the marriage, the hate in the divorce decree, the money involved on her end, how final it all seems (we never spoke again), and all so that she could fold at the last minute? I'm very, very confused. She's not a merciful person, especially not to give me a divorce that cost me a combined $32 ($2 in police report, $30 in parking downtown).

Just to give you an idea on how much money she spent: 

$5000 retainer that was racked up to hell and back. 
$2000 in utilities. The original accounts were in her name, I couldn't pay them because I didn't have their log-ins, they incurred late and cancellation charges.
$1200 rent for May. The women at the leasing office got her to pay the rent (her parents undoubtedly paid this). This is a funny story.
$1000 lease breaking fee

Just for my signature, at the end of the day, to end an 11 month marriage. No, I didn't waterboard my wife (ex-wife? when do I begin calling her that?). I didn't hit her once, never cheated, no drugs and alcohol on my end, no crazy ex, nothing. 

So what gives? Yeah, I lucked out... but why?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much of the money you had was earned during your very short marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is not enough info here...

How much of the money you had was earned during your very short marriage? 

Do you earn a lot more than she does?

It's highly unlikely that you would have had to pay alimony even if you had an attorney. You marriage lasted a year. You wife earns a living wage. You have children.

What I think happened is that her lawyer go with her and her parents and drew up some dramatic divorce filing to bluff you. At least the lawyer knew that they had no standing. So there was really nothing that he could fight you over. Her parents were probably only willing to pay the $5K. So the attorney did just enough to justify that income. The attorney made out like a fat cat.


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## JaxJag (May 3, 2015)

How much did I make during our year of marriage in comparison to her? Hell... I made upwards of $140k (this was $80k in base salary, the rest was in bonuses and stock), and she made... $6k? Maybe 7? She didn't work for the first 6 months of our marriage. She worked part time for 3 months, and full time for the final 2 months. Her unemployment for a period of time was the reason I thought she would qualify for some form of spousal support, if not the outright lopsided comparison of salaries. While speaking to her lawyer in that room, I found out that he hadn't even run a background check on me. Had no idea of my income, where I worked, or what I even did for a living. This whole thing is weird.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JaxJag said:


> How much did I make during our year of marriage in comparison to her? Hell... I made upwards of $140k (this was $80k in base salary, the rest was in bonuses and stock), and she made... $6k? Maybe 7? She didn't work for the first 6 months of our marriage. She worked part time for 3 months, and full time for the final 2 months. Her unemployment for a period of time was the reason I thought she would qualify for some form of spousal support, if not the outright lopsided comparison of salaries. While speaking to her lawyer in that room, I found out that he hadn't even run a background check on me. Had no idea of my income, where I worked, or what I even did for a living. This whole thing is weird.


I don't know what state you live in. But generally...

Any assets accumulated in the marriage are 50% hers. So she could have gone after that depending on who much of your income you had saved with the bonus. Did you wife have access to your bank accounts and have full financial info on you? Or did you keep that from her? 

But a one spousal support after a one year marriage? Nope.

I’m not sure why you think a divorce attorney would run a background check on you. Why would he do that? What do you think he would look for in a background check?

Usually after the initial filing and response, both parties fill out financial disclosure of all income, expenses, assets and debt. He would not know all that about you until you turned in your paperwork. And he had it, what overnight?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Her attorney's actions could also be explained by assuming that he was instructed to attempt a quick resolution. And all jurisdictions have specific rules of civil procedure that govern when a response must be served, providing notice to an opponent and how close to a hearing the response must be submitted. Both sides have to abide by those rules whether you have an attorney or not. 

One year marriage, even with disparity in incomes doesn't yield alimony. At most, and depending on the jurisdiction, it could have (although unlikely given the short marriage) yielded rehabilitative support for a finite, short period.

A lawyer's fee is not always proportionate to the number of pages submitted in a filing. Just saying.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

It sounds like she is very bad at planning, and just does everything the instant comes into her head. That behavior doesn't generally improve with time unless the person understands its consequences, which doesn't usually happen at least until they hit bottom.


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## JaxJag (May 3, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I don't know what state you live in. But generally...
> 
> Any assets accumulated in the marriage are 50% hers. So she could have gone after that depending on who much of your income you had saved with the bonus. Did you wife have access to your bank accounts and have full financial info on you? Or did you keep that from her?


We live in Texas. The bonuses were saved in their entirety, so that account went untouched for roughly 15 months. My wife didn't have access to that account (not out of malice, she just never came to sign up with me), and as far as full financial info... she knew about that account. Maybe not a precise dollar amount, but she knew that there was a good money in there. I used to be pretty full disclosure with her, but when she first threatened me with a lawyer in September (it was a lie, and I was naive), I began to be more tight lipped about money. It was there, we were comfortable, and that was all she needed to know.



> I’m not sure why you think a divorce attorney would run a background check on you. Why would he do that? What do you think he would look for in a background check?


That bank account. The fact that he brought it up verbally and accepted when I dismissed its dollar amount led me to believe that he truly had no idea. I thought lawyers had people follow you, check out your banks, hacked into your facebook, could subpoena anything... that kind of stuff. Maybe I've been watching too much TV.



> Usually after the initial filing and response, both parties fill out financial disclosure of all income, expenses, assets and debt. He would not know all that about you until you turned in your paperwork. And he had it, what overnight?


I had two options for response in my county. One was a sheet of paper that I'd fill the blanks on, write out my property, and then I'd sign it. Or I could write a written response, provided that it had the last 3 of my SSN and driver's license. I went with the written response. Assuming he even got my response the night before (I've gotten the lazy/unprepared/short-cutting vibe from him), I don't know if he did anything with it. 

I guess what I'm confused about is that I know my wife (ex?) well enough to know that she wouldn't walk away from half "just to get out of the marriage". I know she's putting up some form of act (I caught her trying to get into the townhouse one day, told her I'd leave so she could get whatever she needed, and she completely ignored me), in which I assume she's trying to make it look like I did harm her in some way, but financial security was one major reason she even married me in the first place. She didn't work since before we were married, and even after she started working, she didn't pay for any of our expenses. Still, somehow, she lives paycheck to paycheck (and that's putting it lightly, she has about $3500 worth of debts a month), so I think most people who make $20/hr would go for whatever they could get.

The human part of me feels really bad. I'm not angry at her, despite the abrupt end of our marriage, and that she left me with little to go out and pick up the pieces after she left. I'd refund her parents and give her some money to get on her feet again, but I know she'd just party it away.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I thought you had to wait two weeks to get paid and had to sleep on the floor.

Why di you not use this bank account that has a bunch of money in it? You could have purchased a bed on credit?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I don't have any idea what (if anything?) she is up to. She may just be impulsive. (That would explain her debt.) I am curious though, if you don't mind sharing - what did you do that she said was cruel? She seems to have a strong hatred toward you. Spouses can grow to hate each other but it seems intense for 11 months.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I just looked up the Texas statute on spousal maintenance and this isn't making sense. There is no spousal maintenance in Texas unless 1) marriage of ten years, 2) you were charged with an act of family violence, 3) the requesting spouse is incapacitated, or 4) there's a child of any age of the marriage with a severe disability that requires parental care. 

You said the marriage was less than a year with no kids, she's not incapacited. So were you charged with some family violence act?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

JaxJag said:


> We live in Texas. The bonuses were saved in their entirety, so that account went untouched for roughly 15 months. My wife didn't have access to that account (not out of malice, she just never came to sign up with me), and as far as full financial info... she knew about that account. Maybe not a precise dollar amount, but she knew that there was a good money in there. I used to be pretty full disclosure with her, but when she first threatened me with a lawyer in September (it was a lie, and I was naive), I began to be more tight lipped about money. It was there, we were comfortable, and that was all she needed to know.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You do seem to have a super dramatic idea of what divorce proceedings are like, and what attorneys do (they don't normally have you followed, and they really don't do illegal things like hack your FB acct.) 

It was a short-term marriage with no real estate or children involved, it went pretty much like it should have. From your last post you seemed to want to try to force her to drop the divorce. 

You said you don't want to hear you got lucky. So I'll say get her out of your head, stop thinking about what she wants or wanted or why she did anything and work on you so you don't end up in another relationship like this one. Next time you get married get a pre-nup and you won't have to worry about what happens should it fall apart.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

JaxJag said:


> We live in Texas. The bonuses were saved in their entirety, so that account went untouched for roughly 15 months. My wife didn't have access to that account (not out of malice, she just never came to sign up with me), and as far as full financial info... she knew about that account. Maybe not a precise dollar amount, but she knew that there was a good money in there. I used to be pretty full disclosure with her, but when she first threatened me with a lawyer in September (it was a lie, and I was naive), I began to be more tight lipped about money. It was there, we were comfortable, and that was all she needed to know.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If your married a year and the bonus money has been in an account for 15 months and never touched then its premarital maybe? 

Some just want divorce done and over with. There is no great empire to divide in such a short term marriage. Her lawyer could have very well told her by the time she gets done chasing every nickel all its going to do is create a large legal bill. Netting not much. 

Or she could have a winning lottery ticket and just wants the divorce final so she can cash it and you cant get half.....she could have a new guy waiting in the wings to take care of her, who knows. 

It sounds like she just wants a nice simple divorce and move on with her life, if she is willing to take an easy deal, take it, don't overcomplicate things.


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## JaxJag (May 3, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> I just looked up the Texas statute on spousal maintenance and this isn't making sense. There is no spousal maintenance in Texas unless 1) marriage of ten years, 2) you were charged with an act of family violence, 3) the requesting spouse is incapacitated, or 4) there's a child of any age of the marriage with a severe disability that requires parental care.
> 
> You said the marriage was less than a year with no kids, she's not incapacited. So were you charged with some family violence act?


No, I was not. It just flat out never happened, let alone a charge of any sort. There was violence, but it was on her end, and that was documented by police.

I guess that's where all of the confusion sets in, is why would a lawyer in Texas go and threaten a bunch of demands, when he knows there is no chance in hell of pulling it off? On her end, she's in no position whatsoever to get into any further debt with her parents (with this, she's easily $20k in the hole now with previous debts), so why not go the $200 divorce route?

You guys are right, maybe I should just be happy with what I was dealt here.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

She doesn't sound all that rational TBH, and maybe she didn't know about DIY divorce. 

If you wander into the office of a lawyer they aren't going to inform you about cost effective options. It is her problem, not yours. So yeah, crack open a beer and be glad that it is over especially since she was violent. You can't make sense of crazy, stop trying.


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## JaxJag (May 3, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> I don't have any idea what (if anything?) she is up to. She may just be impulsive. (That would explain her debt.) I am curious though, if you don't mind sharing - what did you do that she said was cruel? She seems to have a strong hatred toward you. Spouses can grow to hate each other but it seems intense for 11 months.


I'm an open book, so ask away.

As far as why she said I was cruel, that would stem from growing resentment I had toward her. She quit out on the marriage about 5 months into it (after we signed the license, she laughed and said that I was stuck with her, to give you an idea). No sex, no dinner, nothing. I was raised in the most traditional, dinner at 7pm, Leave it to Beaver household ever. And I hated it. I didn't want that, I'm definitely a modern man. But that doesn't mean that I should just give her the Queen treatment, pay all of the bills, do all of the cooking and cleaning, walk her dogs, and no intimacy just so she could get drunk every night. We didn't even share a bed since last July. We hadn't been intimate since October (she left in April).

Suspicion would mount as she got closer to her boss at her new job, and he made several advances toward her that were dubious. So mix the growing resentment with her abandonment of the marriage, along with suspicion that she may be sleeping with her boss, and nice things aren't going to be said. There were other things, like bad things that happened as a result of her drinking that were tough to deal with, so she'd break down when confronted with the consequences of her actions. The story with the boss would play out interestingly after she left. Thing is, the arguments would go both ways. She'd call me names, insult me directly, and rub really bad things in my face. Her insults were spiteful, and had this ever gotten to the point where we had gone to court, it'd be a waste of time for the both of us, since the text message banter was bad on both sides. 

I could deal with the craziness. Her freak outs, emotional outbursts, door slamming, impulsive frenzies, etc. I could deal with it. It's not ideal by any stretch, but she didn't break me. I represented the one person in her life that didn't celebrate her excessive drinking. Her parents ignored it, her friends paraded it, and of course, no other suitor in her life is ever going to tell her to stop drinking and put her clothes back on. That made me the devil in her eyes, and she had to get away from that.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Given the above description of the marriage and her as a person, why did you want to stop the divorce?

She must be insanely hot and even that is not enough to make her a suitable wife.


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## JaxJag (May 3, 2015)

Oh, she was gorgeous to me, but that wasn't the reason I was ever in it. I did fall in love with her and everything, but she did have a drinking problem. I didn't partake. She had a pretty sad adult life, and a questionable upbringing, so I always tried my hardest to make her happy no matter what. But the desire to do so went away with her growing distant, and somewhat regretful (the vibe I got) due to me trying to change her bad habits and trying to get her to be the normal person she could be, instead of the self-destructive piece of trash she thought she was. Like I said, I was naive.

She won't make it to 40. This isn't cool, party girl, poolside drinking, this is face down on the floor next to dog waste because you were too drunk and neglected the dogs. Every single night.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Wow. That's really sad (from a distance, up close I imagine it invoked several other emotions). She sounds like a train wreck. She could be up to anything, but in the long run I think your life will get much better when this is all over and she's out of your life. I'd sleep with one eye open for awhile though... Good luck to you.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You can't save people from themselves, especially when they don't want to be saved. Sorry things turned out this way. It is easy for us to say you got lucky and it is for the best, but that doesn't take the pain of losing your marriage away.


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## JaxJag (May 3, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Wow. That's really sad (from a distance, up close I imagine it invoked several other emotions). She sounds like a train wreck. She could be up to anything, but in the long run I think your life will get much better when this is all over and she's out of your life. I'd sleep with one eye open for awhile though... Good luck to you.


She was, without a shadow of a doubt, the saddest person I had ever met. Yes, there's textbook sad in which her case itself was sad, but she also saw life through some weird lens where she felt like she was just the worst person imaginable. That would be contradicted by intense pride at times, from vanity over her looks, to firmly believing her previous engagement failed for reasons beyond her control (it was her drinking).

Knowing her though, this isn't over by a long shot. It firmly seems impulsive and abrupt to me, so for those reasons, I am kind of afraid of being at home. I've made strides in picking up the broken pieces, refurnished the house, and did my best to put my feelings for her aside, and be prepared for whatever came to me in the courtroom, which helped in the healing process because she literally became my opponent. 

The problem with impulsive people is that they can be very regretful people, so if what she says is true (and this is a stretch, because she had a problem with self-victimizing and white lies) about her ex, I don't hold a candle to him when it comes to being a jerk. She still went back to him some months later, so I'm afraid of her ever trying to show back up again. Both, for my safety, and for my emotions.


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## JaxJag (May 3, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> You can't save people from themselves, especially when they don't want to be saved. Sorry things turned out this way. It is easy for us to say you got lucky and it is for the best, but that doesn't take the pain of losing your marriage away.


This whole process has turned me into an expert on addictions, self destruction, and Texas family law lol. I just wish that I would've bothered to learn more about these things when I had the chance, though not to help me save my marriage, but to help myself feel less crazy. 

I never intended for this to be some sort of celebrity marriage that would end in less than a year. For better or worse, I had accepted this as the rest of my life, though I wouldn't go out without a fight to try to help her. I wouldn't have bothered otherwise.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

yeah.

I have a close family member who is/was an extreme alcoholic. Everything went wrong in his life and it was always beyond his control. He did the most horrible, selfish, destructive things and it was always because he "had no choice." Ever. Due to outside circumstances. "They" (whoever that is) were always the cause.

I say "is/was" though because he seems to be doing pretty well now (age 55) though I don't live close to him to verify.

Honestly, I always thought he's was a little mentally ill. Your wife definitely sounds mentally ill. Make sure your smoke detectors are working too. I am not joking.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Be glad it's over fast and be very careful picking next time. I had a second chance and did not pick as wisely as I should have. I love my husband and plan to keep him, but as I get older, I've realized a lot of regrets of what might have been had I been more cautious and - honestly - selfish, in picking #2.


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