# Cutting ties and climbing out of the rubble



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I just can't find it in me to stay in contact with my soon to be ex-wife's family. I have always enjoyed a good relationship with her mother, but things started to change after my father in law died about 5 years ago. He was a fine man and I loved him as my Father.

In the last two years or so it's gotten worse. Her mom has hooked up with a functional alcoholic and things are just friggin crazy. He moved in about a year ago, and is enjoying the good life. I've never really been a big fan of "doug's"; notice the little "d". I guess I just have a prejudice against alcoholic bus drivers, who'd a thunk it. 

What pisses me off is my ex's lawyer has told me that this friggin drunk actually is paying a large part of his retainer. WTF is that? I feel as though I'm being ice'd as I am potentially the one friggin sane adult in this whole situation. 

If I didn't have any kids with my wife I wouldn't care at all, and I'd simply move on with my life. Unfortunately though we have six, and I remain tethered to her train wreck of a family. Any thoughts on how to escape the rubble?

LIL


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Last, your divorcing her and her family. You have no reson to have contact with them so move on and leave them alone.
As far as your stbx do much of the same...only have conact when it involves the children and try to keep that contact to emails. Thats is what I have done and it works great for me, I even got my son his own phone just for this reason. I don't have to dial hers to talk to him anymore!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

While there may be no reason to stay in contact, these folks are part of your kids' lives and out of respect to your children, be careful what you say about their loved ones. It is one thing to encourage our kids to be realistic; it's another thing to encourage them to be judgmental.

I, on the other hand, miss my nieces and nephews from my ex's side of the family. In my family, we do not automatically cut off anyone just b/c of divorce--I have had a life-long relationship with my sister's step-son and his mother (follow this: my sister's ex's ex.) My former BIL and his girlfriend are, and always have been, in frequent attendance at any gathering of our family--he is, after all, the father of our two nephews (his first son, my sister's step-son; and my sister's son with BIL). I will say, there was no infidelity in any of this, so I do not know if that makes a difference or not. 

I try to encourage my kids to have loving, or at least positive, relationships with as many people as possible, but also to learn that being loving does not mean being blinded or self-sacrificing. I try to teach them it is o.k. to turn away from people who are so dysfunctional that we cannot maintain a loving relationship without injury to ourselves. Learning to set boundaries with all our loved ones is such an important life-lesson, and learning the difference between boundaries and impenetrable walls is important, too.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Just handle the "other" family members with grace and dignity. 

Don't worry about them too much. They will eventually fade into the background as things settle down the line. 

You are under no obligation to keep ties with her side.

Just do what is best for your kids. Try not to be anger and resentful for the most part (not easy) or at least don't let it be your guide.

You know who should be leading you. Allow him.


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