# My very overworked & now overweight husband



## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I feel guilty complaining because my husband is truly a good man..he would never intentionally hurt anyone. He's never even called me a bad name, and would never put his hands on me. However, He has issues that he refuses to address. We've been married for 17 years and we have one child. I've spent the majority of these years alone because he is a workaholic in the worst way. He also has a lot of social anxiety and avoids people at all costs. We have had seperate bedrooms for at least the last 12 years. For the 1st nine years I blamed myself for everything. I thought if I could just be a better wife and mother, he'd come home more. It made me feel worthless to have to beg for attention from my husband.

I started therapy 4 years into our marriage and begged him to go. He refuses but I continue to go even to this day. As i started to work on myself in therapy, he fought me every step of the way but would eventually accept the changes. It's like one day a switch just flipped inside me and I stopped caring or should I say trying. We don't argue, never really did...except about sex. When we talk, it's about work. He admits that it's not fair to me or our child that he works all the time but does nothing to change it. I feel badly for him because it's no way to live for him either. I want him to get a hobby. Relax. Let go every once in awhile. Learn to have fun. He can't and it's affecting his health. He developed high blood pressure and has gained 80 lbs. in the last few years. I take care of myself. I workout, eat right etc. I don't think it's fair that he doesn't. In his head, he thinks money =love. That he's showing me love by buying me nice things. I just want his time. I hurt for my teenage son. He needs male attention as he's leaning what it means to be a man. Thank god for his coach...he's really been there for my him. His dad hasn't been to one of his games in years. 
I'm really trying to hang on until my son is done with high school but it's getting harder to stay focused. Also, how do I address the weight issue? This certainly doesn't help what little sex life we have left. My therapist doesn't think he'll change until I leave and that I'm like a trophy to my husband. He likes to show me off but when he's done, he puts me back on the shelf and expects me to stay there. I know I'm not perfect and i have had my share of problems over the years but I have no shame in admitting them and being open to fixing them. He won't. He just says thats the way he is. How do you know when enough is enough? I'm not happy..I'm lonely. I'm sure he is too.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

whether someone is a drug addict, alcoholic, shopoholic, sex addict, has a gambling problem etc, unless they want to get help there's not much you can do to help them. Ultimately you become an enabler when you accept the behavior by working around what they do.

Your therapist is right. Unless you leave him, he doesn't have much of an impetus to make changes. Granted, it may not even be enough to see it, but what else can you do but suffer in a marriage that isn't working?


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> whether someone is a drug addict, alcoholic, shopoholic, sex addict, has a gambling problem etc, unless they want to get help there's not much you can do to help them. Ultimately you become an enabler when you accept the behavior by working around what they do.
> 
> Your therapist is right. Unless you leave him, he doesn't have much of an impetus to make changes. Granted, it may not even be enough to see it, but what else can you do but suffer in a marriage that isn't working?


You are so right...I'm an enabler big time. The sad part is I'm aware of it and yet I still keep doing it. It's so self destructive. It's something I've been working on for awhile now. Apparently, I have a lot more work to do. Thanks for your response.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

I feel for you. My wife is overweight and has sleep apnea. We have been sleeping seperately for just about a year now.My situation and what you are dealing with is not what marriage is supposed to be like.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

EDCIJB said:


> I feel for you. My wife is overweight and has sleep apnea. We have been sleeping seperately for just about a year now.My situation and what you are dealing with is not what marriage is supposed to be like.


Does she make an effort to lose the weight? I keep wondering how far he's going to take this. He's up 80 lbs..will he keep going? I don't want to make him feel worse about himself. I've never called him fat. I try to get him to exercise, make better food choices, think before he eats. I think he uses food as a coping mechanism. Anytime he feels anxious, bored or worried, he eats. So a few times I have asked him, "are you really hungry right now or are you just eating because you are anxious". He gets all defensive so I stopped. Now I just get up and walk out of the room until he's finished eating because it just annoys me. His entire family is obese. Food is killing them all. It's hard for me to relate because I eat to live and he lives to eat. Was your wife overweight when you married her?


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

When we got married she wasn't overweight. I have had to get up and leave the room just like you when she is just sitting there going thru a bag of chips or whatever else. People in normal marriages don't have to go on these forums looking for answers or to just vent. I keep telling myself that i could have done so much better.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Do you work? If not, what about trying to help lift this burden from him a little by starting your own career?


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Do you work? If not, what about trying to help lift this burden from him a little by starting your own career?


I would love to work but he is totally against it. If I even bring it up he gets upset. Almost like it's an insult to him. I volunteer a few times a month and he's ok with it only because It's at my son's school. He doesn't work all those hours because he has to. He's got 100 employee's. He's addicted to work and feels like if he isn't there the place will fall apart.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Flygirl said:


> I would love to work but he is totally against it. If I even bring it up he gets upset. Almost like it's an insult to him.


Actually, that's a perfect opening to get your point across. Then tell him you consider it an insult to *YOU* that he is constantly working and ignores you and the family. 

After all, you agreed to marry a man, not a job.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

My husband actually surprised me last night. My son and I had planned to go to a concert in the park. We didn't even bother asking my husband because we've asked him so many times before and he always says no. He hates things like that and has a lot of social anxiety anyway. My husband asks if he can go and I said sure! And i told him how surprised I was that he wanted to go but that it would be great if he went because my son was going to take off with his friends and I'd be alone. I give him a lot of credit for going but it was so uncomfortable. I pick up on his anxiety and I feel guilty for causing him to be someplace he doesn't want to be. I couldn't relax. He's just so awkward in social situations. It's a turn off. And so is that belly...Especially in the car for some reason. We ended up leaving early and guess where we go? To his business to hang out...lol. His comfort zone. I let it slide because he had gone to the concert with me. I feel like my husband is starting to show some effort finally and I'm sabotaging it with my negative thoughts. I do appreciate him going because it's not easy for him. We did have a talk about some of our issues about his hours and business and I told him I didn't want to live the rest of my life like this. He mad excuses on why things can't change and I reminded him that he is miserable. I could tell he was getting mad and I didn't want to fight so I let go. Just like I always do. But I am proud of myself for telling him I don't want to live like this forever. So one step forward...two steps back, I guess.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Flygirl said:


> I would love to work but he is totally against it. If I even bring it up he gets upset.


You would love to work yet you sit home all day because the thought of you doing something you love "upsets" your husband.

There's something very wrong here, do you see that?

I'm not just talking about the separate bedrooms for 12 years.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Flygirl said:


> I do appreciate him going because it's not easy for him. We did have a talk about some of our issues about his hours and business and I told him I didn't want to live the rest of my life like this. He mad excuses on why things can't change and I reminded him that he is miserable. I could tell he was getting mad and I didn't want to fight so I let go. Just like I always do. But I am proud of myself for telling him I don't want to live like this forever. So one step forward...two steps back, I guess.


Happy to read that your husband is starting to take you seriously. It will take lots of time and effort from you BOTH to make a permanent change in your relationship.

Try to think of it as "Two steps forward, One step back" that way you are still making progress.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

northland said:


> You would love to work yet you sit home all day because the thought of you doing something you love "upsets" your husband.
> 
> There's something very wrong here, do you see that?
> 
> I'm not just talking about the separate bedrooms for 12 years.


You mean that I allow him to control me? If so, I see your point. On the other hand, when we got married we both agreed I would be a stay at home mom. It was and is important to me to be the mom to my child that I never had. I wanted to be involved in his school and activities etc. He's just getting older now and needs me less so I have more time on my hands. Next school year he'll have his own car so I won't be driving him to school anymore. So it would be nice to have a part time job but he's against it. I have decided to go back to school and finish up my degree. My husband will just have to get over it. If he divorces me for going back to school than we don't need to be together anyway.


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