# My EA Hurt all of us, But he's coping with aggression



## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

I’m going to try to make this as brief as I can, please forgive me… at 22 (he 26) I met a man that I had such a magnetic pull to, like the moon to the earth. We dated for one month, got engaged, and married 9 months later (no kids, just eager). We then moved 500 miles away from any family or support. Needless to say we hit some rough patches learning about each other, but worked through them; That is till we had children. We now have two, 4 and 6, and after my youngest, things started going south fast. He became very distant, depressed, never wanted do things, and made no time for the marriage or me. 

About two years ago his depression hit an all-time low and his interaction with me was premised with F* this and F* that. Our primary conversations were grunts and growls. The interaction was bad and he got to a point that he was withholding intimacy. Last summer I finally had enough. I though he was having an affair (he was not) and begged him to focus on us. I finally wrote him a letter demanding a change; unfortunately, I was so hurt and betrayed that I ended this plea to love me (the letter) with a question of his manhood stating that he was either cheating or had to be gay. His response was to tell me to F* off and treated me worse. By the end of the year I too was emotionally disconnected. I would checkout in an online game where I found a friend. Turned out we had worked in the same industry and with many of the same people. I spoke with him often about my husband’s depression and he explained why sometimes men get this way. He encouraged me to stop being so angry and try to work it out. Only problem was he and I had ended up having an amazing emotional connection so strong that we didn’t realize till it was too late. We went from talking like girlfriends to sweethearts very quickly. Neither of us wanted or expected it. We finally acknowledged to each other that this may be an EA and agreed it should stop. It was very upsetting to both of us that we may be losing a good friend in each other. That was Friday. Monday my H found out. I actually wasn’t speaking to my EA, but my H confronted me and I felt so awful that I just started spilling enough to set him off. He immediately dived into all my email accounts, my phone and call records, everything he could. I understood his need to do this, but he couldn’t understand that I didn’t have a PA, this was my only EA ever, and it had been relatively PG. I was very emotionally attached to this person because of the care and concern he provided me, I felt like I actually had a friend, and 90% of our interaction were things I would let the world read or hear. (I know I sound like I’m defending it, I’m not. I was most certainly having an EA, which I’m not proud of.) Through his anger H would scream, military style, 4 inches from my nose until I would give him the answers he wanted, even if those answers were not the truth, but I feared what he would do so I gave in. He wouldn’t let me sleep. He just kept coming at me. For days/weeks. He would trap me in corners of the house and just come at me peppering me with questions and yelling. 

I got us into a MC quick. After 8 weeks of MC he had calmed down a bit, but he was still getting stirred up. He acknowledged that his treatment of me over the past two years certainly lead to the EA, but he couldn’t stop from searching for something to come at me with. I am transparent with everything, but he started in on me about not making eye contact with him in the morning (I’m nearsighted). He lost his mind about text messages on the account when I know for a fact I wasn’t sending any. He was even freaking out about phone calls from my mother (whom I have now told to text me and I would call back for fear of her blocked number on my bill). It just goes on and on. He has threatened to throw me out twice, once in front of the kids, while he was telling them that their mother is a lying cheating ***** and didn’t love them anymore. He also has said that if I’m so unhappy I should just file for divorce so I gave him my rings. His anger never left and when he gets set off he is vile. He’s never laid a hand on me, but the trapping and yelling and spitting is scary as hell. 

So, here’s my issue. I love this man, but was betrayed by him. I never wanted to have an EA and I’m so devastated that I’ve hurt so many people, but he doesn’t get that. He doesn’t get that I’m hurt too. 9 days ago was our last escalated fight. He cornered me while I was in the shower. He was mad about the eye contact again and demanded that I put my rings on and gave them back. I took them to work and locked them in my desk. I’m not putting them on till I know we are safe. Three weeks ago he had escalated with the therapist and was told that he is a bully and bordering on emotional abuse. This obviously didn’t go well and they fired each other. He has yet to go back to any therapy. 9 days is the longest we have gone without escalating. We’ve argued, healthy arguing, but he down right refuses MC. 9 days ago I was so frightened I went and found an apt. I put down a deposit with a move in date next month. I haven’t told him. I was hoping he would go back to therapy, but no go. I feel as if I’m being forced to separate because of his anger. I have never said I wanted to leave, not once. I’ve always maintained that all I wanted was him. But I can’t continue to have panic attacks every day I go home from work because we are over due to escalate again. I don’t know how to tell him I want a trial separation. I feel like I’m the one that did wrong, but I live in fear. I’m conflicted and scared. I don’t want to set him off again, don’t want to lose an opportunity to save this, don’t want to hurt him anymore, but don’t want to live in fear. My kids now have been acting out as well. I made the mistake here, I get that and I'm sorry. I feel like my world is crumbling and I just don't know how to handle the agressive way he is coping. Should I give it time? How do I tell him, if not? And is this agression normal or over the top?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Wow, I'm sorry you are here. While the EA was wrong, and I'm sure you will hear about it, you are making the right choice in leaving. You probably should file for divorce and move on. He is not borderline abusive, he is over the line abusive. It's only a matter of time before he hits you. Best wishes


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Is he doing drugs or drinking? If so, his self medicating is likely amping up his depression. Your EA gives him a focal point for the rage. If he is addicted to something, it's not likely to get better unless he can break that addiction. You may want to find an alanon group near you. If there is an addiction, you can't typically break it by pestering them to stop.

If it's not an addiction, then that level of rage points to a pretty severe depression. Most men don't express depression by being 'blue'. They express it by being angry. Do you think he would be open to anti-depressants? 

I'm in a similar situation. Undiagnosed depression going back multiple decades. I've coped with them off and on and used drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex and computer gaming to self medicate (not all at once, but I'd quit one only to pick up a new one). My wife had a couple of online cyber affairs (graphic sex) and I found out (read a text transcript, ugh). I cycle between depression that she would betray me to rage over her doing it to guilt over my own behavior that lead to us being so disconnected. It's very overwhelming to deal with the depression alone. It's not something my wife can help me with. I'm going to a 12 step group to help me keep the addictions at bay. I'm seeing both a MC with my wife and IC for psychotherapy myself. 

Although things are getting better, I still have this overwhelming sense of fear/anger/sadness. It's hard to cope with. The talk therapy helps a little, but only short term. My wife is lucky, in that I contain my rage. I'm not violent. I've never hit my wife, I rarely yell or scream at her (But I have, it's just not a weekly occurrence). But I understand men who do. I feel that rage. I just know better than to unleash it that way. When that rage gets strong, I'll put the earbuds in and do some cardio to the heaviest meanest heavy metal music I own. It's a more productive way to burn off it off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> ended this plea to love me (the letter) with a question of his manhood stating that he was either cheating or had to be gay.


And your husband got angry with you? :scratchhead:

Well, yes, I could see how he might.

Now, a lot of men would laugh at this accusation. But your husband didn't. The question is... *why*?

Why would you questioning the manhood of your husband bring about such an over the top reaction?

Did you inadvertently trigger something? 

If so... what?


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

He does drink, but doesn't get drunk. I don't know that in 15 years I've ever seen him drunk more than once or twice. His mother is a diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and I think he is scared this is where he's going. The therapist suggested meds to help his anxiety, but he blatantly refused. Even said that I was the one that needed meds. At this point I probably do just to help with the roller coaster. He's not accelerated in the past 9 days and just keeps saying that he loves me and can't fight with me anymore, but he is still actively searching for something. I realize he's doing this to reassure himself, but if I ask him if he's checked he says no. I expect him to check, just not attack me when he questions me. Of which right now he’s denying that he’s even checking. I know he is though because I see the last few apps my phone had open as well as him leaving the computer open all the time. 

As for the letter, yeah I know I attacked him. I didn’t really realize it at the time. By the time July hit we had only been intimate less than a handful of times (and I much less that I was given the concern to finish). In therapy I was made aware that I emasculated him and know I was certainly part of that problem. In saying that, I don’t believe he might swing the other way and I don’t believe he has had an affair. But I do believe that he wasn’t in love with me. At least not at that moment. I wanted to stay and work on it, but after the "your mother doesn't love you" thing I'm having one hell of a time with it. Maybe he is done fighting me and actually wants to step back into this and try, but he is still down right refusing therapy. I’m just so confused by his behavior I don’t know which way is up. 

I almost feel as though we’ve done so much damage over the last year that there is no way to fix it. A separation is a must and our only hope is to start over. With his aggressive attitude I’m afraid to tell him this. Am I going to make things even worse?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

About the hipervigilance and snooping... who cares? It's trust for free girl. If you have nothing to hide he will breath in relief every time he check and find nothing! And more trust points in the pig bank!
Be an open book, give him all your passwords and pins, tell him to check the phone bill, leave the phone at his sight to see the story, the texts, every time he feels like doing it. Don't delete texts, ever. Transparence is key, specially so early on.

His angry reactions is understandable and "normal" but over the top and worrisome given he was already abusive, shomehow. You don't have to put a hand on anyone to abuse them (you now realize you were abusive with that line in the letter attacking his manhood, right?). MC was "soft" on him because he/she had to. But truth is he's abusive.
Unless he admit he has issues with the anger and decide to adress them then the marriage can't survive. It's not about this aftermath, still so fresh, but mid and long term.
Depression in males come out this way. It doesn't mean you have to endure it.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

Yes, I totally get my role in that letter. I think I had just tried so many avenues with him, I was coming at him the way he came at me - aggressive and blunt. I do regret putting that in there. 

I am an open book to him. He has access to everything. I just get really uncomfortable with him lying that he has not been looking. It makes me anxious that he's going to show up outside my work all spun up about something that isn't real. My phone has been resetting and doing weird things and a week ago showed that I had sent over 200 texts on a day that I was in meetings all day and couldn't have if I wanted to (no i didn't want to). For days he didn't believe me, then while I was sitting next to him it sent off something to his phone and he finally believed me. 

I know he was depressed. I know he still is depressed. He's covering it right now, but what I'm concerned for is how it will show itself next time. The biggest issue I have is that he is refusing to see any counseling at all. No MC no IC. This with his anger and resentment is what makes me anxious to leave. I wish there were a crystal ball that could tell me the right thing to do.
.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK --you had EA-----BUT----your H, has absolutely---NO RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU

Instead of spending all the time talking to your buddy, in your EA---that time should have been spent FORCEFULLY talking to your H---not writing him letters!!!!!

If you are gonna settle this out, and calm all this down---you MUST use the one weapon you have and that is THREAT OF DIVORCE

Before doing anything---you need to know---your H, cannot throw you out of the house for any reason---you are married, you have as much right to be there as he does

what you need to do---is as follows---and you do not need a therapist, or a counselor, or anyone else---JUST YOU

You go FACE TO FACE---no letters no e-mails no texts---FACE TO FACE

You tell him you have been accountable, you are trying as best you can, but you will not continue toward any R situation, where you are BULLIED AND ABUSED

You now get in his face and tell him point blank---the next time he verbally abuses you---you will file for D

If you have money problems with this---go to a womans abuse shelter---they will help you

He cannot continue on, like a madman---yes you cheated---but there are limits as to what the punishment is---and you being abused, is not a punishment for the crime of cheating

You need to spell it out for your H-----and this time---You---are NOT TO BE NICE ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY

Say your piece, and walk away---no discussion, no argument, no backtalk, no question and answer---no ANYTHING---SAY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY, walk away, and then go dark on him

But for yourself and your kids---take the kids and get out of the house, the next time he abuses you


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

And abuse of any kind, verbal, emotional... with the kids ther is simply unnaceptable. Unaceptable.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Awish, stepping over the line is not good. EA's are rough to look at on paper. When reading the words, sexting, naked or not pictures and so on creates mind movies. Connecting the dots to the point of a PA is not hard to do. That being said, abuse is abuse, verbal or physical. Words do hurt and him getting in your grill like that, shows rage. This is a strong emotion. From what i can tell you care about the marriage, but with a mental issue (depression) along with children in the picture it creates a lot of stress. 
I'm not sure what his issues are or his background (military, lawdog) or family history. If his depression goes un-checked things will spiral out of control. In the end the verbal abuse has got to stop. Good luck.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/89402-i-had-ea.html

That's my story, different but similar. I too had an EA after feeling very disconnected from my husband due to his EA and other lies. While I'm not going through anything near what you are, things are a mess in my home. 
I think you're definitely doing the right thing by beginning the separation process. None of what's going on in your home is healthy for the kids. If your ultimate goal is to keep the marriage in tact you will definitely need to continue your transparency and push for a new MC. Make that a stipulation to working on your marriage. Let him know you messed up, and you're sorry, but verbal abuse is no way to handle the situation.
Sounds like your EA was similar to mine. Mostly friendly, never any sex talk, though there was talk of us spending time together and being together one day. I think it was just the kindness and concern that I drank in. I missed hearing things like that. Hopefully one day, both of our marriages will get that back.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Trapping you is physical abuse. Yes you did wrong but that doesn't give him the right to abuse you. 
Please do what you need in order to stay safe and healthy.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

He's not borderline abusive - he's actually abusive.

If I were you I'd get out so fast you leave him spitting out your dust.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

Bean0909 said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/89402-i-had-ea.html
> 
> That's my story, different but similar.


Yes, very similar and I have to say, what your experiencing is exactly what I fear. If he is unwilling to go to counseling then it will come back as an unresolved issue later. It sounds like you guys have a little more going on, but I'm right there with you. 

My biggest thing right now is that I'm as transparent as possible, but if I see that he checked my phone and ask him he lies and says no. Now he has started lying about how often he checks the accounts. I have NO issues with him doing so, NONE. I just am concerned for his well-being and would like to know how many times he's spun himself up during the day. We are now on day 10 of no fighting. He just keeps saying that he will not fight anymore and he's getting over it for our sake, but 10 days of caring for me after months of rage and after years of anger and depression, I'm thinking it’s going to come back up and it will be so much worse than the last time because he's been holding it in. 

I've explained that I need him to see a MC. Even if he just did it for me. I need to have the ability to process this too. I am probably more messed up by this whole thing than him. Yes, I get that I'm the evil spouse that did him wrong, but realize there are things that lead to this behavior, plus the act itself, and now the fear that I might have to leave a man and life I’ve loved for sanity and safety, has left me quite broken. He wants us to be okay and is swearing he won’t rage anymore, but how can we be okay if he doesn't allow me the opportunity to heal too? My god! The man told my kids I don't love them and am a *****! How does a person heal from that. Yes, again, I get that I wronged him, but I think if we have any chance we must both participate with a MC. After all is said and done if he doesn't agree to MC then I afraid I have no choice but to leave so we can each have an opportunity to heal individually in hopes to fix this healthy. For something that appeared so innocent - this is going to take years to repair.  Now that he’s being nice it’s killing me. I feel like there might be hope. Why leave a man I have always loved out of fear that he will rage again? But not seeing that I’m hurting too and downright refusing to see an MC for personal fear of hurting more, just doesn’t sound promising. 

Do you think I should write him a letter, this one a nice one, that states how I’m so sorry I screwed up, that I love him and want to fix this, but demand that he see an MC? Let him know that we both are hurt and need time to heal and if he doesn’t give us that opportunity then I have no choice but to heal on my own? I want to tell him and talk to him, but am so afraid he will cut me off and rage before I can even get it out. The last thing I want to do is leave in the middle of a rage episode. It will eliminate any possibility of a healthy R.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Awishforjoy said:


> My biggest thing right now is that I'm as transparent as possible, but if I see that he checked my phone and ask him he lies and says no. Now he has started lying about how often he checks the accounts. I have NO issues with him doing so, NONE. I just am concerned for his well-being and would like to know how many times he's spun himself up during the day. We are now on day 10 of no fighting.


Why is this so hard on you?


> He just keeps saying that he will not fight anymore and he's getting over it for our sake, but 10 days of caring for me after months of rage and after years of anger and depression, I'm thinking it’s going to come back up and it will be so much worse than the last time because he's been holding it in.


He can't promise such thing, he can't. He can't pretend to be "over it" just becuse you are treatening S or at least see you fading away. It won't last nad will revert if he doesn't deal with this properly.


> I've explained that I need him to see a MC.


He needs IC, not MC. He likely need medication also, to get on check his depression. You as a couple might need MC but MC is not there to help get the tools to stop his abusive behavior. I believe IC is more important for him than MC at this point. It's just my opinion, naturaly it's your call. Some MCs use to have also indicidual session with the partners, many demand it before considering couples sessions. I believe yours is one of this cases.


> Even if he just did it for me. I need to have the ability to process this too.


If he does it just for you it won't last, he needs to do for himself, because he realizes he has issues. Otherwise he will revert in a few weeks, months, years.


> He wants us to be okay and is swearing he won’t rage anymore


Again, he can't promise suich thing, he needs proper tools to manage his intense emotions.

Again he's not only abusing you but his own kids telling awful things they can't process. He's scaring them. He needs to do his best to fix the damage already inflicted.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

The abuse has to stop. You need to go, if he does not change totally. He needs a life changing event. Tell him.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Whilst from my own personal situation I completely understand why he is hurt and feels betrayed by you, his anger being vented is a problem but only because it is being vented in your direction, if he were to vent in a more controlled manner it might be nicer for the marriage but he does not have any other constructive means of venting, the need to vent the anger is a must but he needs something to focus on and not direct it all at you!!

I am certainly not defending his abusiveness towards you due to the EA that you had but I can most definitely understand it, the thing is this, when he needed you the most, when he was depressed and needed his wife to be a solid rock that he see's and feels is a sanctuary, the loyal wife who makes his home and takes care of him and your children, you my dear were busy connecting with another guy, ok not a PA but personally I can see that an EA can be more damaging to a marriage and here is why.....

EAs are normally cyber text scripted and picture orientated, almost all traces of them can be hidden and as there are often only screen user names and pictures are normally cropped to remove faces they can be totally anonymous and used to "feed" ones needs.

All of the above can be deleted and if a trace can be found it then incriminates one or more parties, but the fact that traces can be deleted means that there is no way of knowing for sure whether or not you are or have been truthful in the aftermath of Dday? Yeah I get it that you probably have been from your sincerity so far, but how does he know that? He doesn't and has to rely on you being truthful with him on this.

Because he is as much in limbo as you are, and trust me on this, he is in limbo!!! He feels hurt, he has been emasculated not just by your letter but your EA, he feels betrayed and angry that not only did you have an EA, but you did it at a time when he needed you to be a solid rock in the marriage.

As for wondering why he lies to you over the snooping, he feels like a fool for getting caught snooping but also because you point it out, it is as though you are doing it to show that you know what he is looking for and also that you know how to hide it, that is a big deal!!!

The fact that he knows you know how to hide things from him, the fact that you probably unknowingly tell him that you know what he is looking for, that does not look good for trust and transparency building in a marriage, so next time he goes snooping, let him, and say nothing that you know, he will then see for himself that that there is nothing to fear, and that is something he must see, not amount of telling will make him see it, he has to see it for himself, and feel comfortable about seeing nothing, and then it will gradually lessen, but only if he is left alone to see there is nothing to be seen that is anything more than day to day married life.

You guys should have been at MC long before your EA from the sounds of it, it is just a shame it takes such an event as an EA or PA to get people there 

Have you tried going to the gym together? Sounds silly I know but as he has anger he needs to work out and you have issues of your own to work out then it might be mutually beneficial?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I am scared for your and your kids' safety.

You need advice from experts that know how to safely separate from abusive rage-filled husbands. Or know how to safely not separate.

Diwali is right -- trapping you, invading your space, is physically abusive. When you leave, his rage may reach unprecedented levels. (Don't let that stop you, but motivate you to get assistance and knowledge NOW, not while it happens.)

You need to be smart about how you leave, or stay, so that you and your kids can be safe. This especially includes discussing with an expert that is not blinded by being so close to your situation.

Search on google.com for resources in your area, using terms such as:

Spouse abuse
Womens shelter
Physical abuse
Psychological abuse
Abuse safety plan

If you want to PM me your city or county and state name, I would be happy to do some searches for you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Last year I was like your husband. The one thing that fueled my anger was my wife continued lying and unknown to me at the time continue in her A. Also I drank heavy.

I will admit that I went over the top and became verbally and mentally abusive. I am not proud of it and I was never like that before. I will say that this is a fairly common reaction. Some folks kill their spouses. Having said that it is fairly common does not make it a right responce. Someone, (not you) need to talk to him and he needs to hear it perhaps several times to stop it. It is OK for him to be angry but it is how he acts out on his anger that is either proper or improper. 

Keep in mind that an EA can be difficult to get over. Your husband's responce is a common one, but it does not help him nor you and he does need to stop. He does need to talk to someone who can help him deal with his anger in a more productive way.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

It’s been 11 days. Last night he was grabbing and holding me in his sleep. I literally only got about 2 hrs sleep all night. We’ve still had no real fighting, but this morning he went to kiss me while I was actively pouring coffee and I apparently grumbled. I’m so tired! I have no idea if I grumbled or not. I apologized and told him I was tired. He asked why so I told him he kept me up all night. I expected this would set him off, but he defended himself and stated that he was asleep and had no idea that he had been grabbing at me in his sleep. He then went on to say that I need to stop looking for him to fight with me because he’s not going to. I think he gets that his rage has caused me to live with him in fear. No matter how much I beg tho, he refuses to see IC or MC. 

One of the things he said this morning is that he thinks that since he hurt me so badly with the neglect and anger before the EA and the rage after that I’m just wanting him to go to therapy so I can make him feel worse and use it as a weapon. I said “I’m sorry for hurting you too. Can’t we please get help? I know that deep down you hate me for what I’ve done, and I know it will come back again. The day it does will be bad. Can’t we please just get help?” No answer.

I love this man, but I think I def need to do something. I have one week to decide to move forward on that apt or I lose it. I know there are others out there, but this one is close to the kids school, great neighborhood, cheap, and they don’t come up often. I’m afraid the moment I decide to stay and let it go will be the second before he rages again and this time turns physical. I know that if it goes there I will fight back…. How awful will that be! I just don’t know that 11, 12, 20, days are enough without counseling. I also know that the chances of R after one leaves greatly depreciate. 

What I want to do is have a trial separate for 3 months where we live apart, but date and MC and make it about reconnecting again. And if we can’t reconnect then still go to MC so that we can learn to function together as parents for these beautiful kids. For those that have had the anger and betrayal, how can I do this? How can I get someplace safe and work on us. He clearly wants us to be okay, but just is against therapy.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Some folks look at going to therapy as they will have a spot light on them and he may fear that. There are other reasons people resist going. It does not always work. There are bad therapists out there, or any host of reasons. If the person is resistant then following the plan to separate might the option to follow. Keep in mind that separation may lead to other problems. If the reason/s for the separation is not spelled out then what? Some folks regard separation as pre-D and it gives then the right to go out and date, etc. I would make my goals clear as to what separation means and what you would like it to acomplish and what the consequences are if those goals are not met.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

Maybe you should consider going to the counselor alone? I have tried this though, even before my EA when I just felt like our marriage was falling apart and I was a sinking ship. The problem I found was that there was never someone there to tell his side of the story so the MC, naturally, 'sided' with me making it difficult to bring him in later. I honestly had one woman as me why the hell I was staying in this marriage - I never went back. 
I'm like you, I married this man, I love him. Despite his mistakes/insane behavior, I still love him. Leaving is VERY difficult for me to even consider, much less follow through with. 
To be honest, he may not have the same feelings you do about a separation - he may see it as you wanting to leave and lose even more trust in you. I understand you think time away would be good, time for him to straighten out his thoughts and attempt to reconnect, but he doesn't seem like the kind of person who will.
Does he respond better to you letters? I know I'm a better writer than I am a speaker, so I tend to write to my husband as well. This gives him a chance to process my words and feelings without me home before reacting. Maybe it is a good idea. I wonder why he's so against the marriage counseling. Maybe he's refusing to take any sort blame for the fact that the marriage was crumbling PRIOR to the EA? I think a good MC would tend to get to the root of the issue, the cause of the EA, to make sure you two don't get there again... maybe he just wants someone who will tell you you're a bad person for what you did? Seems to me like you're taking full responsibility though.
Its a toughy... especially when children are involved. Calling your spouse names to/in front the children is never okay. I think I would figure out what's best for them and push forward, all the while continuing to be transparent and open to dating him again.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

Bean0909 said:


> Maybe you should consider going to the counselor alone? I have tried this though, even before my EA when I just felt like our marriage was falling apart and I was a sinking ship. The problem I found was that there was never someone there to tell his side of the story so the MC, naturally, 'sided' with me making it difficult to bring him in later.


Yes, I've actually been going on and off for a while. Its helped for a few years, but I stopped going when he completely started ignoring me a couple years ago. Now I’ve made a problem because I didn’t keep going. Ugh! Just after the EA he did agree to go with me. This one that we were seeing thought his anxiety was out of control and he was obsessing on the non-important things. When this therapist experienced him loose it he suggested meds and BH went off. I’m still seeing this therapist, but now that he’s experienced BH’s anger he understands how this all happened and has started siding with me. He also thinks BH is not a bad guy, just highly stressed. He knows I love this man, but also fears for my safety and BH's sanity. 

So, we are now on day 12 or 13, I’m starting to loose count. He still hasn’t raged and still swears that he won’t again. I’m getting closer to my scheduled move out that I still have not told him. He still refuses therapy, but has started reading “after the affair” and “I don’t want to talk about it”. We talked a little yesterday and I was able to express to him that I’m destroyed over this. Not only did I hurt him and the kids, but I’ve hurt the OM and have destroyed myself in the process of all this. My self-worth is gone. Everything I believed about myself is gone. All I wanted was a dang friend. It started as such an innocent thing, but the moment I had to talk to the OM, because I couldn’t and wouldn’t talk to BH, it went entirely wrong. I’m starting to think that BH is done raging and realizes he caused more harm in doing so, but I’m still scared. I honestly feel like the only way to make us better is to go forward with the move for a couple months and work to tebuild something better, but in saying that I’m also afraid that if I go I will have no chance and it will just set him off again. Argh!

I’ve got one week to figure out how to tell him all this. After years of not talking to him I don't know how to do this.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

If that's what you feel is right then I think you should go for it. It's good that he's not raging anymore, but it seems really quick for someone to be permanently changed. It will probably come up again later, as he doesn't seem to really be dealing with his issues. 

From the sounds of it, if you do pull the trigger on a trial separation, things will probably get worse before they get better. You need to be prepared for that.

I don't think most people really intend for these things to happen, they just happen. I felt worthless and terrible for a long time after mine and my husband didn't do anything to help that, in fact he continued to belittle me despite that fact that his actions were FAR worse than anything I had done or said. I hated playing that card though, it just seemed like I was making an excuse which I wasn't. I just wanted him understand that I messed up, and it didn't mean I wanted to leave him or was in love with someone else, just like he wasn't. It's a tough road, but eventually you'll decide if it's worth it or not to you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Whatever you do, or want to say---YOU DO NOT DO IT WITH A LETTER/TEXT/E-MAIL/PHONE CALL

You do it FACE TO FACE----are you scared to talk to your H

If he rages, then you simply get up and walk away, at his 1st sign of rage----you need to do this face to face---and confront this head on---do not hide behind a sheet of paper

If you can't face him and say what you have to say---then what the he*l did you get married for in the 1st place, and what the he*l kind of a mge do you have where the partners DO NOT SPEAK TO EACH OTHER

It is high time you GREW UP, and faced what it is you need to face----DO NOT HIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)




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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Whatever you do, or want to say---YOU DO NOT DO IT WITH A LETTER/TEXT/E-MAIL/PHONE CALL


By all means I would never tell him, or anyone, in just a letter. The letter would be written as an apology and to explain what, and why, I feel this way. Then lead into my feelings as about why think we should take a break. I would write all this out, hand him the letter, and sit there with him while he reads it. I have a very hard time finding words during the moment and would like to give him the opportunity of actually hear me. With his anger, I don’t want to chance saying the wrong thing. He often feels, during our conversations, that it’s a competition about who hurts the worst and I can never get my point out. 



jnj express said:


> It is high time you GREW UP, and faced what it is you need to face----DO NOT HIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!


FYI - We’ve been married for 15 years and it’s not always been like this. It grew into this. 15 years ago we were both different people. It sounds like you have never dealt with someone in a true rage. You cannot just walk away from them. They do not hear your words. They only see red. Walking away is a reason to set them off further by disrespecting their feelings and making them want to “win” harder. I have children in this home and if I were to set him off into a rage and I tried to walk away with these kids it would eliminate any hope for the future and send him into a spiral of unhealthy mentality. I would think that, at this moment, I’m being quite “grown up” about this. I love the man and know he’s on the edge. Why would I want to push him over and hurt him more? He’s a good man that is dealing with my betrayal as well as his own mental health. He knows he’s on the edge (which I think is why he doesn’t want to see a therapist) and needs medication. The point is that my leaving would be temporary so he can get his head on straight and we can address our real problems. Sitting down and having this conversation with someone already on the edge is very scary - no matter how grown up you are trying to be. I’m not hiding; I’m worried about if I’m making the right decision.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

I fear you might be right warlock07. This is part of my problem and why, even though he's being good and I love him, I still feel I must go.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

When I say walk away---I mean, you take the kids, and go for a ride----If he has no one to rage at the rage will subside---if he continues his rage with no one in front of him, and destroys things---then he needs to go to anger management---he probably needs to go to anger management, and IC, Both, anyway.

He has been allowed to get away with this type of bullying activity for way to long---and yes you do need to stop hiding, and face him down---and tell him--either figure out how to keep yourself under control, or this mge is over-----YOU ARE NOT DOING HIM OR THE MGE ANY GOOD BY LETTING THE RAGE GO ON, UNANSWERED, AND ENABLED.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

He's not a good man - he's an abusive bully.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You are not disrespecting his feelings by leaving when he is raging. You are protecting yourself. You are not allowing him to continue to abuse you, and you are diffusing the situation. 
If he escalates it is because he is losing control of you and wants to get it back.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Robsia said:


> He's not a good man - he's an abusive bully.


Sometimes I think: It gets to a point where it doesn't matter how much good someone has inside, or what drives their bad behavior. Destructiveness snuffs out life and joy, either way, and time keeps burning away.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> Sometimes I think: It gets to a point where it doesn't matter how much good someone has inside, or what drives their bad behavior. Destructiveness snuffs out life and joy, either way, and time keeps burning away.


That's what made me decide to divorce my ex. So true.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

I posted on your other thread so let me just repeat myself....

I find his behavior unacceptable and I'm a BH. Even if you want to stay with him I suggest you file for D anyway, its not it will happen over night and you can stop it at anytime. Let him get served and explain to him how sorry you are for what you did and how you hurt him and that you are more than willing to attempt to make it up to him and R. But under no circumstances will abuse towards you be tolerated. No more getting in your face, no more pinning you to walls or backing you into a corner, and damn sure no more outburst in front of the kids. He has to get his a## some IC and get on some anti-depressants and restart MC. If he can't do these I don't see how you are going to R and you'll just be delaying the inevitable anyway.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I totally agree.


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