# Wife being silly with ex



## Captain (Jan 28, 2014)

Bit of background. 

The wifes and her first love of 5 years (who cheated on her) broke up about 5 years ago. Since then in a fairly short space of time we met, got married and had a kid. After we got engaged he called her to say that he'd marry her in an instant etc, telling her she's the one that got away, pissed me off no end but she told him to not contact her anymore and that was the end of it. 

About a month after we got married he called her again to discuss some other crap, and then told her that he also cheater on her with her former best friend. She seem to take this extremely well, but again told him not to contact her anymore. There was another time when he confronted her while she was visiting a mutual school friend who lives next to him, he made a point of showing off his new car and in general acted like a ****. When she tells me these things I say to her face that he sounds like a scumbag, she always defends him though, quite instinctively. 

They were not friends on facebook, but he kept 'poking' her every other month. Eventually he sent over a friend request. She asked me if she can accept just to tell him to leave her alone once and for all, I told her it's up to her and that I trust her to deal with these things. So she accepts, only to simply have some small talk, before HE decided to delete her as a friend. This is where I got pissed off, I've never made any demands or requests of how she deals with him, it's all been actions of her own will, but if she genuinely wanted him out of her life for good that wasn't the way to go about it. It's just asking for that penis to carry on bothering her. It's not like he's just talking to her like an old friend in a casual way, he's toying with her. 

He then poked her again a month later, at this point I tell her to just block him on facebook, and voluntered to do it for her. She was reluctant but I did it for her, I had enough frankly. At least we wouldn't be hearing from him again. 

However I went on her facebook just now (not snooping, we're open with everything), only to discover that she's unblocked him (I presume, unless there's a way this can happen automatically?)

My concern isn't that she's having an affair (she isn't) or even that it's heading that way, it's more that she can't seem to cut the cord with this guy, and I hate the idea of another guy toying with me wife. 

Am I overreacting and should I just let it go? Or is she being silly?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

She's still interested in him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Unless your wife is 12 years old, she's behaving as she wants to behave. Nobody else is compelling her to keep communication open with this guy. So you need to deal with the source of the problem. Her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He's the one who got away.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

It really wouldn't be hard for your wife to block and ignore if she really wanted her ex to go away. She's playing the game, and her ex knows it.


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## Captain (Jan 28, 2014)

lenzi said:


> She's still interested in him.


Either that, or she's trying to prove to him that she's over him. I certainly hope it's the latter.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Captain said:


> Either that, or she's trying to prove to him that she's over him. I certainly hope it's the latter.


If you thought that, why are you posting?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Captain said:


> Either that, or she's trying to prove to him that she's over him. I certainly hope it's the latter.


It's not. Lenzi is right.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

Why bother to prove that she is over him? It's all water under the bridge. Besides, the best way to "prove it" would be to completely wipe him. I think your wife should focus on showing you her loyalty and not waste any time or energy on this other man.


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## Captain (Jan 28, 2014)

I completely agree Pinkpetal.



PBear said:


> If you thought that, why are you posting?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because regardless of reasoning, I find the whole thing very frustrating, particularly that she went to the effort of unblocking him. 

More importantly though, I want to know if I'm overreacting, bear in mind, this is still very sporadic 'communication' (if you can call it that) and just learn to ignore all this. Or if I should pull her up on it and make sure I put an end to it.

The consensus here seems to be that I'm not overreacting...


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Big problems start small. seen it over and over here.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I see trouble on the way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She likes the attention and imagines he's pining over her. Big ego boost..... I'd put a stop to this right now.

On a side note, I had somebody do this to me a number of years ago, when I was engaged to my hb. I won't lie and say I didn't like the attention, but my gut told me not to trust him so I cut him off. .He eventually showed up on his local news as a con artist that was ripping off women.....if you google his name there are a number of sites warning women to stay away from him. Glad by bullsh!t radar worked for that one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Just curious, how do you know she unblocked him? Did you check her blocked list?


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Captain said:


> I completely agree Pinkpetal.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Im not sure why everyone *****foots around this stuff. No, you are not overreacting

1) She writes him an NC
2) You write him an NC
3) Ask her for complete transparency. (phone and all accounts)
4) If she wants to see her friend that lives by him, the friend is to come to your place.

There should literally be zero contact.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I think it is clear. She is allowing this contact because she wants it. You can tell her to stop all you want but in the end the truth is staring at you. She still has feelings for this guy. I know that hurts to hear but its better you deal with this now then to wait and come back later saying she cheated on you with this guy. I would simply just put it all on the line. Just tell her this continued connection to this guy is a deal breaker for you. I would go contact a lawyer and have the divorce papers drawn up. I would take them home and lay them down in front of her. Tell her if she makes any kind of contact with him in any way shape or form they will be filed with the courts. Its up to her how she stops her connection to this guy but you are done. Let her take the steps to stop this. If she does not do it on her own in front of you in a transparent way then file. Walk away now with decency and self respect. 

You cant make people do things but you can remove yourself from there destructive path. Sure no one wants a divorce but it sure it a lot doing it now before she cheats. You don't want that on your mind at all.

I am sorry you are going through this but the others are exactly right. This is not a small issue. 

Clay


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You're not over reacting. She is doing this intentionally after you said it made you uncomfortable. When something similar happened to me I blocked the guy's e-mail address, Facebook and said if the contact happened again I was willing to walk away from the marriage. Maybe I over reacted, but I was happy I made my position clear in no uncertain terms. This ain't over my friend; you should get aggressive about ending this before she winds up in bed with him.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

The fact that you categorize this behavior is her being ' silly' says a lot. It's far more than being silly.

This will bite you in the butt if you don't take it a lot more seriously.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Captain said:


> Either that, or _she's trying to prove to him that she's over him. I certainly hope it's the latter._


Although it doesn't come to you yet: 
'You're the one that looks away'.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> You're not over reacting. She is doing this intentionally after you said it made you uncomfortable. When something similar happened to me I blocked the guy's e-mail address, Facebook and said if the contact happened again I was willing to walk away from the marriage. Maybe I over reacted, but I was happy I made my position clear in no uncertain terms. This ain't over my friend; you should get aggressive about ending this before she winds up in bed with him.


Better to be safe than sorry imo.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> I think it is clear. She is allowing this contact because she wants it. You can tell her to stop all you want but in the end the truth is staring at you. She still has feelings for this guy. I know that hurts to hear but its better you deal with this now then to wait and come back later saying she cheated on you with this guy. I would simply just put it all on the line. Just tell her this continued connection to this guy is a deal breaker for you. I would go contact a lawyer and have the divorce papers drawn up. I would take them home and lay them down in front of her. Tell her if she makes any kind of contact with him in any way shape or form they will be filed with the courts. Its up to her how she stops her connection to this guy but you are done. Let her take the steps to stop this. If she does not do it on her own in front of you in a transparent way then file. Walk away now with decency and self respect.
> 
> You cant make people do things but you can remove yourself from there destructive path. Sure no one wants a divorce but it sure it a lot doing it now before she cheats. You don't want that on your mind at all.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

OP, you really need to force her to recognize her feelings for her ex AND for you, this heavy coming down on her is the best way. Both for her as for yourself.

If she is getting a little bit in the fog, she have gotten to like in her mind his imagined entity already. If you start to get in the way of her feelings of pleasure thinking about him (thinking about that imagined picture of him, that illusionary reality) she will grow resentful to you. All kinds of critic about you will surface in her brain. You are then halfway about being replaced. Maybe it is already happening now.

Read all the explanations of how the marriage gets re-evaluated in the brain of the wayward wives in several cases in these forums. Suddenly you will become a burden to her, and history will be rewritten in her brain. The bad guy gets idealized, and you are the stupid beta man she has had to put up with. It will be not her fault. You made her seek someone fulfilling her rightful needs. 

Come down hard on her now. Be in public very indifferent about how this all makes you feel. Hide your pain and frustration. Weakness will drive her to him. Break the fog she is already living in (in my opinion).

I wish you strength.

P.s., If you react soft, even a good woman will think you are not fighting for her, you maybe not worth her in her opinion. That will make her think even more about OM.


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## Captain (Jan 28, 2014)

Draw up divorce papers?  

Lets look at what she's actually done throughout this whole thing. 

She accepted him as a friend on facebook (with my blessing), unfortunately instead of being blunt and telling him to ****** off she took the soft approach but then go deleted (within a day of accepting his request) by him.

She potentially unblocked him, I don't even know for certain. 

Otherwise:

SHE cut him off without me having to ask her in the first place (she also cut off all of her male friends to arms distance). 

She tells me each time he makes contact, she doesn't hide it. 

I have access to all forms of communication, phone, facebook, you name it. 

As far as setting boundaries go she's a dream for 99% because she's done it all on her own perogative. 

She's spoken with him (either by phone or over facebook) twice in 3 years. I think it takes a bit more to have an affiar. 

Now I accept that I should confront the issue and put an end to it, not before it leads to an affiar, but before it causes a rift between us. But I'm not going to demonise my wife for unblocking someone on facebook. 

Also, thanks for telling me in no uncertain terms that my wife is into another guy (and gets pleasure thinking about him, apparently). I've always found women incredibly hard to read when it comes to whether or not they like a guy, even with daily correspondance, however you pro's have figured it out on incredibly limited information.

Thank's to those who actually gave some sound advice, but I think i'll get out of here before I'm consumed by the melodrama.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I think people are speaking from experience. As a woman, if I kept up this kind of correspondence, it would mean that I was 1) getting an ego boost and 2) that I still had some nostalgia for the guy.

I think that currently, the exBF is taking up way too space in the relationship. If you position yourself as being above all of this nonsense, you'll look better to your wife. Why not just say: "Look, I'm tired of all of this, be FB friends with the guy, whatever.". But mean it when you say it. Reduce him to someone beneath you, not even worth your time.

The more attention to pay to this issue, the more important the other guy becomes...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Omego said:


> I think people are speaking from experience. As a woman, if I kept up this kind of correspondence, it would mean that I was 1) getting an ego boost and 2) that I still had some nostalgia for the guy.
> 
> I think that currently, the exBF is taking up way too space in the relationship. If you position yourself as being above all of this nonsense, you'll look better to your wife. Why not just say: "*Look, I'm tired of all of this, be FB friends with the guy, whatever.". But mean it when you say it. Reduce him to someone beneath you, not even worth your time.
> 
> The more attention to pay to this issue, the more important the other guy becomes...*



I agree with what you said except what is in bold. I'm sorry but that is the equivalent to rug sweeping the matter ... which then increases the risk of this becoming more than an on-line curiosity. The OP needs to confront his wife and make her explain why she unblocked him and then he need to insist that she block him again. Please make no mistake about this, the EX is a real risk to their relationship.

To the OP: find out if this ass clown is married or in a relationship. If so, contact his significant other and let her know what's going on.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Yes, I can see what you are saying and you're right. Better to be safe than sorry.

He seems so NOT worthwhile, however, that's why I don't see him as a real threat. I mean, what kind of guy makes a point of telling his ex GF, once she is married to someone else that he cheated on her with her BF..? 

What an idiot!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Captain said:


> She potentially unblocked him, I don't even know for certain.


I can tell you from my own experience that there is no mechanism in place by which someone is automagically unblocked on FB. If he is no longer blocked, it was intentional.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

I have a similar situation, though less strange.

My wife remains friends with her ex on facebook and was on myspace. She broke up with him 11 years ago, and while I dont have exact details, it sounds as though she just needed a change and did not want to be with him anymore (both about 18 yrs old at the time). 

I try to really piece together the whole picture to see if there is an issue or not. On the one hand, she has never talked bad about him and has been candid that he was her best friend at the time. She has said she misses that friendship. I think she is just very reminicent of old days in general. 

On the other hand, I have had concerns over the years about how she is unable to just cut ties with him. Its essentially a difference of opinion. Many of her friends and herself are "friends" with exs on facebook etc. Personally I have disconnected from any of my exes, as I couldnt even tell you if thier technically alive or where they live. For a stretch things really went bad with my wife and I a few months ago, and I finally snooped on her facebook. They had messaged over the past few years, but really only every few months or so about trivial things. Two things made me uncomfortable: 

-1. When I snooped, I saw her say seemingly random in a message to him "miss you". then follow it up 2 seconds later with "well maybe I just miss some of the old days when when everything was easier" <--paraphrasing but something like that. Then he said "well we both have great spouses now so its all good" and she said "you're right, it is good. I just feel bad about _how _it ended". So it was very uncomfortable, but there was nothing concrete there to really say she was having an affair with him or seeing him etc. 

-2. When I asked her about her contact with him on facebook, first she said only comments or likes on posts. Then I asked again, and she said just a few messages, but on random trivial things. It makes me uncomfortable that I got 2 different answers. I told her that I don't know how to trust her with 2 answers and that I feel like if I keep asking, I will find out that she met up with him and so on and so on. She said said absolutely not and that she was very sorry. 

So the point of my story here is that you need to pay attention to the whole picture. Its not uncommon for people to cling on to exes, as if trying to keep them within sight, but not close. You have to put things into perspective or you'll go nuts. If your relationship is not so hot, then I'd be concerned. If her ex is substantially more successful/better looking etc than you, then I'd be concerned (yes thats sad but true). 

Personally, I think people hold on to exes as a contingency plan. So assess your own picture before you worry about her and her ex.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> [/B]
> I agree with what you said except what is in bold. I'm sorry but that is the equivalent to rug sweeping the matter ... which then increases the risk of this becoming more than an on-line curiosity. The OP needs to confront his wife and make her explain why she unblocked him and then he need to insist that she block him again. Please make no mistake about this, the EX is a real risk to their relationship.
> 
> To the OP: find out if this ass clown is married or in a relationship. If so, contact his significant other and let her know what's going on.


Exs are 100% the biggest threat for affairs and the one of the first places spouses go for emotional support if there is any issue in their current relationship.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Overconfidence is your enemy.
It would behoove you to err on the side of caution.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

well, you can sit idle and watch this unfold and get worse and worse or you can get pi$$ed and take action.

1) tell her its unexceptable and if she continues comunicating with this a$$hole you want out!
2) go see this guy and kick his a$$.
3) realise that your wife is losing interest in you.
4) If your wife resists in any way shape or form she is sending you a LOUD clear message that you are not important to her.
5) decide if you want to be married to a woman who has poor boundries and most likley you will be stomping out fires the rest of your marriage.
6) her asking if she can friend him was a huge #hit test and you failed. 
7)now time for her $hit test stop it or your out of there!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Here it comes again!

I wrote this for another guy whose W had reconnected with an old flame on FB:

Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be innocent, but they may soon morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband 
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she sometimes feels like your just not there for her
How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him
How she loved talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/e-mails/calls now
How she feels young again
How she feels attractive again
How she feels appreciated again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now knows what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you can't give her that
How she now realizes that she "settled" for you
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a**hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's been secretly talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?

It doesn't always end this way, but it sure as hell STARTS this way.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

She is still into him. 

You state the following : "Since then in a fairly short space of time we met, got married and had a kid"

You were a rebound relationship that progressed very quickly. Had a kid, so she had to be committed probably more than she wanted to you.

Now a few years go by and she is pining for her first love. She is romanticizing what things were like with him, and of course conveniently forgetting that he was a cheating POS.

My advice here is simple and direct. Stop playing games with her. She either goes COMPLETE NC with a MC letter sent that YOU witness, loses FB entirely because she has shown that she cannot be trusted to use it properly as a married woman, or you will D.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

Captain said:


> Draw up divorce papers?
> 
> Lets look at what she's actually done throughout this whole thing.
> 
> ...


You are doing the equivalent of covering your ears and running away. Why ask a group of people their opinion but have only one answer that if going to be acceptable to you.


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## Captain (Jan 28, 2014)

Omego said:


> Yes, I can see what you are saying and you're right. Better to be safe than sorry.
> 
> He seems so NOT worthwhile, however, that's why I don't see him as a real threat. I mean, what kind of guy makes a point of telling his ex GF, once she is married to someone else that he cheated on her with her BF..?
> 
> What an idiot!!


Her reaction to that was all I needed to know that there's nothing there. She wasn't even angry, she quietly cut off her best freind and moved on (they live on the other side of London to us, so it wasn't hard). 

They had an on-off 5 year relationship through their education years, during that period he was 'playing her' and going out with another girl at the same time. He also still lives with his parents and has a crappy job.

On the other hand, I've got a pretty good job, our marriage in general has been great for the first 3 years, often go on holidays, have an 8 month old baby boy that's as ridiculously good looking as his dad 

I don't take anything for granted, but every situation warrants a measured response. The heavy handed apprach doesn't fit all situations.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Captain said:


> Thank's to those who actually gave some sound advice, but I think i'll get out of here before I'm consumed by the melodrama.


Unfortunately it is not melodrama. It is people who have been through this and are trying to tell you that this is a COMMON start down the slippery slope to a full blown PA in many, many cases.

What the people here want for you is to recognize this, BE STRONG & DECISIVE with her, so you can avoid it happening to you.


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## Captain (Jan 28, 2014)

People have been through their own experiences and assume it applies to everyone else. My folks have been married for 45 years happily, so I suppose I have a slightly sunnier disposition. 



barbados said:


> She is still into him.
> 
> You state the following : "Since then in a fairly short space of time we met, got married and had a kid"
> 
> ...


Uh, we got together around 18 months after they broke up, that's one hell of a rebound. She already married me before the child, I don't think people do that unless they're committed. Also, the child was planned (and driven by her) so it's safe to say your theory is a non-starter. Thanks though.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

good luck.

hope your not back here saying you guys were right.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Captain said:


> Her reaction to that was all I needed to know that there's nothing there. She wasn't even angry, she quietly cut off her best freind and moved on (they live on the other side of London to us, so it wasn't hard).
> 
> They had an on-off 5 year relationship through their education years, during that period he was 'playing her' and going out with another girl at the same time. He also still lives with his parents and has a crappy job.
> 
> ...


Bashful Bull, Shamwow, Eric 415, Malcolm 38, Ozyman, etc...

Look up these guys stories, and see what better prize picks these decent mens' wives left them for!


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Captain said:


> Her reaction to that was all I needed to know that there's nothing there. She wasn't even angry, she quietly cut off her best freind and moved on (they live on the other side of London to us, so it wasn't hard).
> 
> They had an on-off 5 year relationship through their education years, during that period he was 'playing her' and going out with another girl at the same time. He also still lives with his parents and has a crappy job.
> 
> ...


Fair enough. He doesn't sound like a prize. But as you said in another post, yes, put a stop to it before it causes problems between you. Can you just go onto her page and block him or un-friend him?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Its called setting healthy boundaries. This man cheated on her during there relationship and she still is talking to him? He then tells her he also had sex with her friend and she still talks to him? Does that sound normal to you? Why would she not tell him herself upfront to just stay away if she did not want nothing to do with him. Why does she need you to say anything? This is because she does not have good boundaries. She unfriended him to still have access to him. You don't have to do anything at this point you can just set back and hope nothing comes of it. I just recommended to you to set good boundaries with her. If her talking to him is not a deal breaker for you then great. Go on and live your life. If this is then you have to make it loud and clear. If you don't you will be living in the melodrama you really did not want any part of. 

Clay


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Captain said:


> People have been through their own experiences and assume it applies to everyone else. My folks have been married for 45 years happily, so I suppose I have a slightly sunnier disposition.
> 
> 
> 
> Uh, we got together around 18 months after they broke up, that's one hell of a rebound. She already married me before the child, I don't think people do that unless they're committed. Also, the child was planned (and driven by her) so it's safe to say your theory is a non-starter. Thanks though.


I based my opinion on what YOU said : " "Since then in a *fairly short space of time *we met, got married and had a kid"" which would be a rebound relationship.

Now you come back and say it was a year and a half later. 

You sound confrontational to all the advice people here are giving, so good luck moving forward and I hope things work out for you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Captain I may offend you but I'm going to say it. You English guys have a tendency to sit on your thumbs and do nothing when your marriages are being threatened. I think it has something to do with that "stiff upper lip" upbringing. 

You can't be nice about this. Either stand up for your marriage or don't. Your wife knows you tend to vacillate, that's why she is playing you. She likes the attention she is getting and you have done nothing to really show her how much it pisses you off
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

No you are not at the D paper stage.

I see DISTURBING things in common with previous threads.
It looks like it is NOT too late for you but:
1) Read the thread by 'hard to detach' and NEVER let her meet this clown even at coffee. Ex means EX for both of you. Think that situation could NEVER happen? guess again.
2) Read the Athol Kay books and No More Mister Nice Guy.
3) No hard spying necessary but keep your eyes open for the following: Sudden weight loss, dressing sexier, girls nights out where there were none before, I love you but not in love with you, friends change.

READ the 'Hard to detach' thread!!! You could be essentially him except 6 months before he came here. DONT let this happen to you.


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## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

I am going to go a different route here, based only on my personal experiences.

I am married to someone who has it both ways. She has the ex she defriended, blocked, and who makes her sick when she sees, and she has the one that she is ok with. She has that one on her facebook still, and messages him, posts on his stuff, etc. all the time. I don't care, I can tell that there is nothing there by the way she acts, talks etc. about him. Sometimes you can just tell with those things.

Now, if she friended the first one I mentioned, I'd be upset. It would be like her saying "yeah, I hate him, but I just want to talk to him." (He cheated on her, too) so I think it really depends on the relationship. Don't read further if you don't want to hear this 

From what you said in your posts, it really sounds like to me that she has the kind of relationship my wife does with her ex (who is blocked). I agree with the posters (some of them) that you shouldn't just ignore this, because that's how you get burned. We are all just here to help. I don't think you should start drawing up divorce papers, that sounds like it would do more harm than good, and drive her away, but I think you should have a calm, rational discussion with her about why she (yes, she did it) unblocked him, and what type of contact they have had since then.

Don't get mad if you don't like my post. Just ignore it.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Captain said:


> ...
> However I went on her facebook just now (not snooping, we're open with everything), only to discover that she's unblocked him (I presume, unless there's a way this can happen automatically?)
> .....


It's impossible for this to happen automatically. She actually unblocked him, so she wants to continue having contact with him.



Captain said:


> ...
> 
> Thank's to those who actually gave some sound advice, but I think i'll get out of here before I'm consumed by the melodrama.


Okay bro...see you real soon in the "Coping with Infidelity" forum. Take care.



Captain said:


> ....They had an on-off 5 year relationship through their education years, during that period he was 'playing her' and going out with another girl at the same time. He also still lives with his parents and has a crappy job.
> 
> On the other hand, I've got a pretty good job, our marriage in general has been great for the first 3 years, often go on holidays, have an 8 month old baby boy that's as ridiculously good looking as his dad ...


So what? Many women "trade down" in their affairs. Lots of unemployed losers who live at home pursue and land married women.

Ya, so you're safe/backup plan B...and he's the bad-boy cheater she stayed with for 5 years...the one who got away. Says a little something about what she likes in men, the fact that she is trying to keep him in her life.

Don't downplay that she's trying to "stay friends" with this dude. That would be incredibly daft.

Face it...if she really wanted the guy out of her life, you wouldn't be here right now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dissevered Soul said:


> I am going to go a different route here, based only on my personal experiences.
> 
> I am married to someone who has it both ways. She has the ex she defriended, blocked, and who makes her sick when she sees, and she has the one that she is ok with. She has that one on her facebook still, and messages him, posts on his stuff, etc. all the time. I don't care, I can tell that there is nothing there by the way she acts, talks etc. about him. Sometimes you can just tell with those things.
> 
> ...


And I would say you are treading on thin ice. Old sparks have a way of reigniting. You best be on your guard. 

There is no room in a marriage for ex lovers. None. Nada.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Captain said:


> Also, thanks for telling me in no uncertain terms that my wife is into another guy (and gets pleasure thinking about him, apparently). I've always found women incredibly hard to read when it comes to whether or not they like a guy, even with daily correspondance, *however you pro's have figured it out on incredibly limited information*.


Yep, that's what the experienced poster do here.

The total of us (me humbly included) for an unstoppable power in analyzing situations.

The total of us are looking through anything a WS can tell you, are used to people like you, giving limited information, having a bias, being stubborn. Coming back later to cry over our shoulders. The more challenging a puzzle, the more interesting for me personally. And honestly, the ex boyfriend/facebook thing is hardly a challenge. You are a statistic here.

At this moment I cannot bring myself to feel any compassion with you, not yet that is. Read some stories here, especially about the good wife, cheating on a succesful husband, with a total looser living at home with his parents....


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Dissevered Soul said:


> I am going to go a different route here, based only on my personal experiences.
> 
> I am married to someone who has it both ways. She has the ex she defriended, blocked, and who makes her sick when she sees, and she has the one that she is ok with. She has that one on her facebook still, and messages him, posts on his stuff, etc. all the time. I don't care, I can tell that there is nothing there by the way she acts, talks etc. about him. Sometimes you can just tell with those things.
> 
> Now, if she friended the first one I mentioned, I'd be upset. It would be like her saying "yeah, I hate him, but I just want to talk to him." (He cheated on her, too) so I think it really depends on the relationship. Don't read further if you don't want to hear this


Your case:



> I don't feel like she loves me anymore. She never hugs me, holds my hand, kisses me, or anything of the sort. We don't talk anymore. I try to strike up a conversation and she just says "uh huh" and "ok", never adding anything in or engaging in any way. We used to talk about everything. My mind is always active and I LOVE being asked questions about philosophy or science, or even just talking about it in general. She used to always engage in those conversations, but she doesn't anymore.
> 
> I am not sure what happened or why, but this has been going on about 2 years now, and I think I have fallen out of love with her. The passion is gone for sure, and I don't find myself ever thinking that I still love her. The spark that used to be there is gone. She loves me, and I know it, because one night I was walking out the door for good, and she cried and begged me to stay. because of that, I stayed, and hoped it would get better. It didn't.


You have a problem my friend, you shut your eyes for the EA that is going on. No sex is then even a red flag for her maybe having no sex, WITH YOU ONLY. I think you are giving OP the wrong advise here, because you have your own head in the sand. Brothers in Blindness.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

We don't know what your wife is thinking; all this discussion is pointless without her input. I don't really understand why you can't just bring it out into the open. You've stated you have a great relationship with your wife, and that's fantastic; so why the hesitancy in talking to her about it?

I would just sit my spouse down and say, "did you unblock your ex? If so, why?"


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He's the one who got away.


Not got away. Ruined a perfect romance by cheating.

She was sunshine and roses with him until that point.

I would worry about this.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

I think she's already in the affair. 

I think she knows your watching her and is feeding you misinformation. 

I think she is gaslighting. 

I think she is being coached up by lover boy. 

I'd get a VAR and keylogger and go full recon.

DNA test the kid. 

Good luck. Best wishes. 


I repeat the old mantra. 

EX's are ex's for a reason. 

They should stay in the past. 

PERIOD.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

breeze said:


> We don't know what your wife is thinking; all this discussion is pointless without her input. I don't really understand why you can't just bring it out into the open. You've stated you have a great relationship with your wife, and that's fantastic; so why the hesitancy in talking to her about it?
> 
> I would just sit my spouse down and say, "did you unblock your ex? If so, why?"


This. 

I would LOVE to hear the answers she has.

And don't forget, she has the youthful nostalgic memories, unsullied by the needs, compromises and necessities of matrimony.

When you are dating, its fun fun all the time. Marriage is not.

So how do you think the two relationships will compare in her mind.

Now, don't jump the gun Captain, but still THAT SINGLE question will tell YOU a lot and also maybe make HER reflect on exactly what she is doing.

She said one thing...and did another. And note you had to FORCE her to block him in the first place.

But you got it ALL figured out.

Thanks for stopping by.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit wasting your breath folks. He's not coming back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I dunno...I myself have unfriended a "toxic" person from FB, and somehow, the person managed to get back in! How, I have no idea. I had to unfriend said person again...looks like it worked this time.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Captain said:


> Bit of background.
> 
> The wifes and her first love of 5 years (who cheated on her) broke up about 5 years ago. Since then in a fairly short space of time we met, got married and had a kid. After we got engaged he called her to say that he'd marry her in an instant etc, telling her she's the one that got away, pissed me off no end but she told him to not contact her anymore and that was the end of it.
> 
> ...


I have not read all the replies yet (maybe first page or so)... 

I think that this is a risk factor, and no, I don't think you are over-reacting, but I think it's premature to say she is "not over him" or that it automatically means trouble for you.

I am not sure whether FB unblocks people when they make their unannounced changes to their privacy policies. If so, it's possible that your wife didn't take that step. However, I think that it's more likely that blocking would stay in place, so assuming she unblocked him, I think that what you're seeing comes from a feeling of failure on her part and a need to prove to herself that she's over him (as others said.) 

For that reason, I would encourage you to ask your wife what these communications do for her. She's likely to say "nothing" or "they show me what a bad decision I made." Ok... go with that and be non-judgmental and loving when you say, "I understand that. What I *am* having trouble with is the idea of another man homing in on *my* relationship, and wondering if you are inadvertently encouraging it."


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I feel I have to state the other side of the case.

I am FB friends with my "first love", which was a 2-1/2 year relationship many years ago. She sent the FB friend request to me. Before the relationship, we were "just" friends for a couple years. We also exchange emails and have made friendly bets on sports events involving our respective teams. She lives 2,000 miles away.

My wife knows of the FB friendship and that we exchange emails, because I told her. I have forwarded her some of the emails to my wife to be perfectly transparent and eliminate any potential problems. My wife can see any of the exchanges if she wants to. I have sung the praises of my wife to this "ex." (I don't really think of her as an "ex" because we had a friendship before any relationship, but I'll go with that term.) The responses to those emails are among those I have shared with my wife. I've told my wife that the "ex" is a good person, but that our personalities were not a long-term match.

I have zero, none, zip, nada, zilch interest in rekindling any romance. My wife trusts me and is not worried in the slightest. I don't know for sure, but I can't imagine my "ex"'s H is worried in the slightest, either.

I just think it depends on the situation and don't agree with the blanket assertions that nobody should ever have any contact with any ex for any reason. It IS possible for a friendship to exist after a romantic relationship. We live in a place that is a vacation destination, and if my "ex" ever is in town, my wife WANTS to meet her. That's what worries me--I'm not sure I want them comparing notes on my flaws. 

In fairness, neither the "ex" nor I have ever written ANYTHING like "you're the one that got away", as happened to the OP's wife. That does escalate his situation, I admit. His W's ex sounds like a first class jerk. I think the suggestion of drafting divorce papers is absurd and would damage the OP's marriage, based on what I have read. But I agree he should enforce a no contact rule _*in these circumstances*_, where the "ex" is not a good or trustworthy person.

But YMMV.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Captain said:


> Either that, or she's trying to prove to him that she's over him. I certainly hope it's the latter.


 If she was over him, she would not feel the need to prove anything to him. The bottom line is that this other man (OM) has been and still is actively pursuing a romantic relationship with your wife, and your wife has not put a complete stop to this. In openly pursing a romantic relationship with your wife, he is disrespecting both you and your marraige, yet your wife accepts and even encourages this this disrespect by defending him to you and communicating in a cordial way with him. Most other men when they try to go after another man's wife at least try to claim that they just want to be friends. This guy thinks so little of you that he does not even do that. With this in mind, every time that your wife communicates with this OM, she is belittling you in this OM's eyes. Time to stop being Mr. Nice Guy and to start getting mad for the way that you are being disrespected. You need to put an end to this nonsense right now.

Tell your wife that since the whole purpose of this OM communicating with her is to try to have a romantic relationship with her, that she must go full 100% no contact with him immediately and forever. Also, you must tell her that since she violated your trust by unblocking him after she had agreed to block him on Facebook, that she must agree to full transpancy without complaint, that includes all knowledge of all accounts and passwords, and physical access to her cell phone.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> You're not over reacting. *She is doing this intentionally after you said it made you uncomfortable.* When something similar happened to me I blocked the guy's e-mail address, Facebook and said if the contact happened again I was willing to walk away from the marriage. Maybe I over reacted, but I was happy I made my position clear in no uncertain terms. This ain't over my friend; you should get aggressive about ending this before she winds up in bed with him.


OP, Is your wife passive aggressive on other matters?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Jaharthur. Its russian roulette. Its a game that should never be played.

Read the story of poster 'hard to detach' for how innocent contact can go very very wrong.

My wifes emails with her ex started innocent (and damn near illiterate). I ended up squashing the beginnings of an EA. It was innocent for at least 7 months.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Captain said:


> She asked me if she can accept just to tell him to leave her alone once and for all


Funny how she needed to friend him in order to let him know she was not interested, when she could have simply:

1- Ignored him by not reacting/replying at all;

or 

2- Sent a message telling him to get out of her life once and for all WITHOUT THE NEED to befriend him in the first place.

Her actions simply showed she liked his attention (if not anything more...).


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Captain said:


> Draw up divorce papers?
> 
> Lets look at what she's actually done throughout this whole thing.
> 
> Thank's to those who actually gave some sound advice, but I think i'll get out of here before I'm consumed by the melodrama.


I have to laugh at this - your arrogance about being so sure of yourself about this

I'll do it - I'll give it to you straight - sledgehammer all the way 

And why is that? because your woman is has probably already began to fk your life over like it has never been fked before 

If you are a 'captain' - a leader you need to say this :

"you in any way communicate with him again while I breath, then we are done, dusted, finito - divorce papers will hit your desk like a ton of fking bricks" 

You've been told enough here and I can tell you from years here reading stories like yours *all the cheating deceit treachery betrayal BAR NONE started with this kind of sh!t
*

It has to start somewhere and guess what - you're dealing with the start RIGHT NOW 

I've said my few words but I can see you are not the listening kind so I'll conclude with this 

Lets see if you have the courage in a year's time to come back here when you found out your wife has completely and utterly destroyed you with infidelity.

I hope not but your attitude to it all kind of guarantees it!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> I feel I have to state the other side of the case.
> 
> I am FB friends with my "first love", which was a 2-1/2 year relationship many years ago. She sent the FB friend request to me. Before the relationship, we were "just" friends for a couple years. We also exchange emails and have made friendly bets on sports events involving our respective teams. She lives 2,000 miles away.
> 
> ...


I would call this a poly-amory EA.

Real love always keeps having a place somewhere in your mind. It could be revived on it's own and especially if your current relation is in a bad place.

Dream on...


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I would call this a poly-amory EA.
> 
> Real love always keeps having a place somewhere in your mind. It could be revived on it's own and especially if your current relation is in a bad place.
> 
> Dream on...


I would call this projection.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I would call this a poly-amory EA.
> 
> Real love always keeps having a place somewhere in your mind. It could be revived on it's own and especially if your current relation is in a bad place.
> 
> Dream on...


This is how I see love:










I love my wife, I love my kids. I love my relatives. I love my friends. I love my job.

Each is separate and distinct. The balances can get out of order, however.

Mothers can start to love their kids far more than their husbands. Men can love their friends and jobs more than their families. We've seen it happen.

So it is entirely possible to 'love' an ex friend and one's wife.

HOWEVER...

Matrimony is a full contact relationship. One get's bumped, bruised and hurt by the conflict between spouse and personal needs.

What jaharthur is experiencing with his ex is NOT a full contact relationship. So it seems easier, more pleasant and care free.

Frequently, the two suffer in comparison side by side because, as a 2000 mile distant relationship, one can always 'filter' what one says to the other. There is a lag which keeps some of the hurtful comments at bay which doesn't exist in full contact MMA Matrimony.

Jaharthur SEEMS to be keeping a good head on his shoulders and is trying to make sure that his 'glass' doesn't get out of balance.

But it is always a danger. Maybe not a big danger, but one none the less. The moment that jaharthur has to think for one second about cutting 'ex' out of the picture at wife's request is the moment that he's gone a bit too far.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> I feel I have to state the other side of the case.
> 
> I am FB friends with my "first love", which was a 2-1/2 year relationship many years ago. She sent the FB friend request to me. Before the relationship, we were "just" friends for a couple years. We also exchange emails and have made friendly bets on sports events involving our respective teams. She lives 2,000 miles away.
> 
> ...


I'm continuing on with the thread jack here, but this issue is something I've thought a lot about.

It sounds fine, but I admire your wife. I would totally NOT be comfortable with this. I also wouldn't have appreciated the fact that your ex sent you the request. Why would she need to do that?

I don't know if you are familiar with the poster Faithful Wife, but I read a few of her blog posts and one comment she made stood out to me: No Facebook for either her or her H. I can't remember exactly what her position was on contact with exes in general....

Anyway, to get back on track: if my H felt the need to keep in contact with someone who had been a romantic interest, it would make me think that he still had some attachment to her. Especially if he felt he had to show me the correspondence, tell me about why they broke it off, etc. etc. 

Just my 2cts. Please do not take offense to my post. Every situation is different.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I didn't mean to threadjack. The OP's situation is very different because the ex is clearly pushing for something more. As the OP wrote:

*It's not like he's just talking to her like an old friend in a casual way, he's toying with her.*

I agree that there are red flags in the OP's circumstances. I wrote just to disagree that it's *impossible *to have an appropriate connection with an ex. "Appropriate" to me means that neither thinks of the other as "the one who got away", both have moved on and neither is single, there are no face-to-face meetings without spouses present, communications are open, etc. If a marriage is secure, and ours is, that's doable.

I agree, that's not the case with the ex the OP is dealing with.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

LOL I didn't mean that YOU were threadjacking jaharthur, I meant that I was just continuing on with the digression/discussion about the idea in general -- ie. not discussing the OPs precise situation.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Doesn't matter. OP is not returning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Yup, seems that way....


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Captain said:


> Either that, or she's trying to prove to him that she's over him. I certainly hope it's the latter.


Did it feel funny to type that out in public...or is it just me.

Women are very funny, if they don't TRULY want to talk to you...they don't....I know it's an odd concept but it's real.

Some women keep the line of communication open because they're averse to confrontation, but that wouldn't include changing the dude's status from blocked to unblocked.

Yes that voice in the pit of your stomach...is real and right.

And YES, you're a man...stop listening to the 21st century political correct way to handle this and take some ownership of your house. Demand she blocks him at every step, that your tired of having this 8th grade drama floating around in your home. You're sick of this guy constantly being in your business. She has no ties to him anymore. He cheated on her and is trying to get her back.

Your wife can either admit she's open to his game by continuing to behave this way or she can send a message to YOU..HER HUSBAND..that she is 100% committed to your marriage and get rid of a player trying to work his way in.


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