# Not sure what to expect?



## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

Hi
I have been married to my wife for almost 6 years and we are seperating due to some issues that we have. Now during this we have discussed several things about finances and bills and at first she says we can still pay things together, stay on the same auto insurance, bank accounts and cell phone plan but we both need to contribute to pay them. I didnt have a problem with this and then the next day she changes and says we need to seperate all of our bills and such. She says she does not want a divorce and just needs time but with her actions of trying to seperate all things we have ( ie. bills ) it sounds like she is trying to move more towards divorce. We had a marriage counseling session setup and when we arrived the receptionist said that we did not have one. Now that i try to make a new one she says she wants to wait a bit before i make a new appointment. 
Now is this looking like she is wanting a divorce or that she is just trying to get away for awhile. I am really confused and not sure what to expect. I really want the marriage to work and she knows this and i am wondering if she is taking advantage of me knowing she can come back...


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I'd recommend separating all of your finances, getting your own bank account, and let her know that while you are willing to work on the marriage you are also fully willing to get by on your own. Her actions will tell you which way she is leaning. That's the only way to earn her respect and keep your own. It will also protect you from getting cleaned out or left with her debts.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

She is in the fog.

Start living your life alone assuming she is not going to stick around.

When she sees you moving on, she'll have to accept the end and will probably flip-flop.

DO NOT get trapped in her confusion.

Confidence, independence and strength are attractive!

Be strong,
Stretch


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

You'll be called a controlling bastard. Get ready for that. When your strong assertive and independent you will have to make decisions without her that will affect her. She won't like it. Get your own acct. Don't give her any money. Seperate your finances. 
I did this a year ago. My wife decided to start a new business with her "friend" without even a discussion with me about it. She also said she wasn't making enough money to pay any bills so I started paying for everything. 6 Months later I discovered they were not friends but lovers. Sorry your here and I hope she isn't having an affair on you. I also hope you two will get through it.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

great advice from all, I think.

Watch her actions. her words are meaningless. she wants to separate. 

separate your finances now and meet consult with an attorney to find out your options/rights in your state. 

You can only control you. You cannot change the lens in which she sees your marriage or you. You were alright without her before, and you will be alright without her again. Granted there will be loss, grieving and hurt - That's unavoidable if you've loved this person. 

I found this link to be very helpful: 50 Divorce Tips for Men - Chris Pirillo

I think its balanced and spot on.


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the advice. She is moving out this coming weekend and I have removed myself from the joint bank account. I am sad as i really want to work on this but she will not give me any type of hope that we can fix this. All she says is she is not rushing out and filing paper work for a divorce. Guess i will have to wait and see what happens. I am not going to wait for her, I am going to continue on with my life and see what happens, it will be hard but i think i can do this.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

You keep the focus on YOU.

Work on yourself, reconnect with friends, etc.

When she finds out that the grass is not greener, she'll be back and you probably won't care. 

It will not matter if she changes her mind or not. YOU will be working on YOU to embrace your future.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

txrover said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. She is moving out this coming weekend and I have removed myself from the joint bank account. I am sad as i really want to work on this but she will not give me any type of hope that we can fix this. All she says is she is not rushing out and filing paper work for a divorce. Guess i will have to wait and see what happens. I am not going to wait for her, I am going to continue on with my life and see what happens, it will be hard but i think i can do this.


Txrover, I hope you took your half of the money out of the joint account before you took your name off it!


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Prepare for the worst in order to protect yourself. Don't be blinded by what "should be".


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

Currenly we are still living together but she has an apartment and is moving out on the 30th. We are going to spend Thanksgiving away from each other, me with my parents and her with a friend. We have pretty much seperated every thing we have as far as bills and such. I try to talk to her and get a feeling about what she is going to do and all she tells me is that she is not making plans past next week. She tells me she is not going out to file for a D anytime soon and she does have a Counseling session setup for herself next week and i have one setup also for next week to help deal with this. She is still looking to do MC but wants to do her own C first. 

Im so lost on what to do, should i give her space and not talk with her for awhile or should i try and contact her everyday?

We have been through a lot in the 5+ years of our marriage but have been able to work through it. I just wish this to work cause i love her and believe she is the one that is meant for me.

PS: We are both in our 40's and this is my 2nd marriage and her 4th marriage...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Her 4th marriage?
Whoa that's a horse of a different color.
Probably one of those that always thinks the grass is greener. I would say file and move on.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

txrover said:


> Currenly we are still living together but she has an apartment and is moving out on the 30th. We are going to spend Thanksgiving away from each other, me with my parents and her with a friend. We have pretty much seperated every thing we have as far as bills and such. I try to talk to her and get a feeling about what she is going to do and all she tells me is that she is not making plans past next week. She tells me she is not going out to file for a D anytime soon and she does have a Counseling session setup for herself next week and i have one setup also for next week to help deal with this. She is still looking to do MC but wants to do her own C first.
> 
> Im so lost on what to do, should i give her space and not talk with her for awhile or should i try and contact her everyday?
> 
> ...


Okay, bro.

You have a paralyzing case of "ONEitis." You've been conditioned and bought into the soulmate myth. You need to unplug from this conditioning now. It won't be easy. You are hurting on focusing on getting this woman back who has left the building. You will be stuck in limbo as long as you are chasing this person. Calling her daily to remind her you are there and love her will do the opposite of what you think it will. Behavior like that clearly shows she is your only option. She has the power now as she is making you wait. My STBXW made me wait too....she had to "find herself" and all of this other type delay tactic while she pursued other relationships. Dumb stuff. Don't fall for it.

I recommend you show that you have options and are moving forward - without her. You were fine before her, and you'll be fine after her. Stop contacting her unless its for business. Get a life again. Move forward for you!

Most men have a very failed concept of "relational equity." It's not your fault - you were conditioned to believe that your wife would respect all of your provisions and sacrifices and that built love, trust, compassion and understanding. You see now how easily she walked away? See that relational equity was a myth too? 

Dude, unplug from this. IM for more info if you want. Otherwise, I'm here to support.

HL


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

helolover said:


> Most men have a very failed concept of "relational equity." It's not your fault - you were conditioned to believe that your wife would respect all of your provisions and sacrifices and that built love, trust, compassion and understanding. You see now how easily she walked away? See that relational equity was a myth too?


Ditto


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

Well an update on what is happening:
She has moved out and as mentioned earlier everything we have bill related has been spilt. We have split our checking, car insurance, cell phones and all other bills that i have not mentioned. 

Now my issue is I have gone to a church support group and have actually met a very nice lady, and we have actually became friends. I am sad that i am not able to make my marriage work out but my question is should i go ahead and file for divorce and move on with my life or put everything on hold just to find out later that it is not going to work out and waste a year waiting for nothing.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

What do her actions show you?

How much limbo are you comfortable enduring?


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

zillard said:


> What do her actions show you?
> 
> How much limbo are you comfortable enduring?


Everything she is showing me right now tells me she is looking around at options but keeping me around just incase it does not work out. Now this is just my opinion and i have no way to prove this. 

I honestly think she is waiting on me to file for divorce that way she is not the bad guy and i am the one that ended it. Just my opinion.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Are you ok with being Plan B?


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

Actually I am ok with Plan B. I am sad that it has not worked out and that i failed at keeping my marriage together. If she was to tell me that we could fix this over time then i would wait, but when i asked if we could keep a monogamist relationship while we were separated and all she said was no because she did not want to have to ask for permission if something came up, i knew it probably would not last.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

txrover said:


> Actually I am ok with Plan B. I am sad that it has not worked out and that i failed at keeping my marriage together. If she was to tell me that we could fix this over time then i would wait, but when i asked if we could keep a monogamist relationship while we were separated and all she said was no because she did not want to have to ask for permission if something came up, i knew it probably would not last.


Read this again.

"Really" read this again.

What I see is you taking all blame for the marriage foundering.

I also see you basically pleading with her (how she perceives it) to remain faithful to her vows.

Of course, if "something comes up", she wants to ride it.

File yesterday


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

<<Actually I am ok with Plan B. I am sad that it has not worked out and that i failed at keeping my marriage together. If she was to tell me that we could fix this over time then i would wait, but when i asked if we could keep a monogamist relationship while we were separated and all she said was no because she did not want to have to ask for permission if something came up, i knew it probably would not last.>>

txrover, 
sorry to hear that. I think you allready know she is gone.
Do the 180 and detach from her.Even if she comes back, it's just because she didn't find someone else (plan B) and even so after ,who knows, one , two, months or years she will probably do it again.
Imo file for D . It's best to avoid future drama .


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

txrover said:


> Well an update on what is happening:
> *She has moved out and as mentioned earlier everything we have bill related has been spilt*. We have split our checking, car insurance, cell phones and all other bills that i have not mentioned.
> 
> Now my issue is I have gone to a church support group and *have actually met a very nice lady*, and we have actually became friends. I am sad that i am not able to make my marriage work out but my question is should i go ahead and file for divorce and move on with my life or put everything on hold just to find out later that it is not going to work out and waste a year waiting for nothing.


Okay, I highlighted a couple of things. The first: As everyone has said, your wife is gone. You are the future ex #4, go ahead and accept that fact. Her actions speak a 1000 words, you may as well listen.

Second item: Why complicate your life at this point with another woman? You need time at this point to work on yourself and to understand what happened to your marriage. It takes a while to figure this stuff out. 

To your question: Everything is split already and you have no kids (right?). Go file the paperwork for divorce and get the ball rolling. Your stbx is not coming back, why delay the inevitable.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Filing for D is the only thing left you can do to show her you are a man. A man that deserves respect.

I know it is hard for those of us that truly honor our vows... but anything else and you are really just begging to be thrown under the bus again. You don't want that...

She has already dissolved your marriage and released you from your vows by breaking hers. Do not feel bad for looking out for yourself for a change, what she does or thinks is no longer your concern.


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

Well I had my 1st counseling session yesterday. I went in looking for answers and what I found was not what i wanted to hear but what i needed to hear. I told the counselor everything that has happened since the day we met and she told me that i do need to walk away from this marriage. I know it is the right thing to do but man it is hard to do that being that my heart is still wanting to fix my marriage.

I am going to continue my counseling sessions for awhile so I can get my head on straight and move forward with my life. I will say I went out on a date but I am going to step away from that for right now as i am not ready to date again.

I do appreciate all the comments and support that you guys and gals have been giving and have been right from the beginning on what i need to do. I will continue to stay active as it has been helpful and maybe what i post might help someone else. More to come as the days and weeks go by


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Good for you, Tex. I know it is hard. Just have your head keep telling your heart it is stupid... 'cause it is.

... I have to do that still myself.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

It's very difficult, but keep on keepin on. 

It does get better - if you want it to.


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

I will make it because know I can because i do have faith and I will not lose sight of where I am going in life. Im not a religious person but i do believe I have a purpose and a direction that I am heading and no matter what happens that all things are possible as long as i believe in myself and in God. 

I know this is not going to be easy because I did love her but I have goals that i want to achieve and I will make it happen.


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

Well, I am now going on 3 weeks of not living with my wife but can say that it seem like 10+ weeks because we slept in seperate rooms for that time period.

We are still friends and we talked for a little bit yesterday. I asked her about us and what she thinks will happen. She says " Right now I just dont feel anything past a friendship. It's not fair to you to hold you back". She says there will be no hard feelings towards me if i file for D and she says she just does not see fixing the marriage. Is she playing mind games and saying that to test me on what I am going to do, or does she really mean it.

Yes I am holding on to a small hope but I have started the move towards D and getting on with my life but it is not easy. As I have said before I am 44 and not getting younger so I do want to find someone that I can spend my life with. I guess what I am saying is that in my head i know it is over by my heart is still trying to hold on. Any ideals on how to make this easier on myself?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tx,

Focus on finding yourself first.

Just out of curiosity... why ask her those questions?

That gives her all the power and control - and the opportunity to rip your heart out, again.

As for being friends?

Just think about the first time she starts telling you about the new guy she's banging.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

I agree with Conrad - friends is not a good idea.

Why are you happy to be plan B? Explore this further in your counselling. You should be first choice, or not a choice at all. Be THE prize, not the consolation prize.


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

zillard said:


> What do her actions show you?
> 
> How much limbo are you comfortable enduring?


Her actions don's show anything at all. We are friends and that is it. And as far as limbo, If she told me she just need time to fix this I would wait, but she is not saying that so I dont believe I will wait!


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)




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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This really sounds like she found someone else, has checked out (is sleeping with him) and is keeping you loosely as a fall-back pan. Are you sure there isn't another man involved ?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> This really sounds like she found someone else, has checked out (is sleeping with him) and is keeping you loosely as a fall-back pan. Are you sure there isn't another man involved ?


Based on all of the signs I see in other cases, including my own, I'd say with 99.9% certainty that she's seeing someone else. 99.8% certain that she's sleeping with him.

I know it's not what you want to hear TX - but you need to put your big boy pants on and stop tolerating this kind of treatment, she'll lose what little (if any) respect she still has for you.

And you'll lose it for yourself too.


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

I do want to thank everyone for the input and help on this. I know the right call is go ahead and get the D started but it is hard to just give up on it. I also agree that she is probably doing something that i do not know about as that is what brought this on in the 1st place. 

It it tough when you are brought up in a christian home and atmosphere, your parents have been married almost 50 years and now my 2nd marriage is now gone. I always wanted to do what was right and save my marriage but i do see it takes 2 of use to do that and she is not willing so why should I keep trying. Guess it is time to move on even though it will not be easy, you guys and gals have given a lot of great advice and has shown me what i need to do.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

TX,

You didn't talk much about your first marriage.

Are you seeing any similarities between this M and the old one?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Tron said:


> TX,
> 
> You didn't talk much about your first marriage.
> 
> Are you seeing any similarities between this M and the old one?


Also, are there similarities between XW1 and STBXW2?


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

There is no similarities between XW1 and STBXW2.

1st Marriage lasted 13 years and ended because i got burned out. She graduated back in 92, we got M in 93 and had our daughter in 94. During this time we both had good jobs and made decent money and purchased a house. When my D was born she wanted to stay at home and take care of her and i was ok with that. After about a year we had to sell the house and move in with her dad as the bill's got to be to much. We then stayed there for a few years and saved up again and purchased a new home. Again she stayed at home and took care of our D and we also had a 2nd child. Well again times got rough and i had to work 2 jobs to make ends meet and i got really tired and burned out. She wanted to be a stay at home mom which was great but it was killing our marriage. I decided that i could not do it so i took a promotion at work and they moved me to Phoenix. Shorty there after she filed for D when I would not move back to Tx.

So they 2 D's are different.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I am sure there is a lot more to the story, but based on your description, in your first M you talked yourself into two financially crippling home purchases. 

Why would you repeat a "mistake" that got you in trouble the first time around? And, knowing that XW#1 wanted to be a SAHM, why would you buy a new home that you couldn't afford on just your salary?

How would you describe the relationship you had with XW#1? How would you describe her personality? And yours? Just wondering, because, being a SAHM mom would not normally "kill a marriage". Pretty clear that you carried (and still carry) a lot of resentment over that.

How do you two interact now?


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

Her being a SAHM is not what killed the marriage, it was me getting burned out from working 2 jobs and her not working. As mentioned it lasted 13 years so both kids were in school so she could have worked but she did not want to. Plus how would you feel if you had to move in with your FIL known as a man you could not provide for your own family. It made me feel real bad about myself so we did decided to a new home and i took a 2nd job to cover the bills. When times got tuff and i needed her to help out she did not go to work and wanted to be at home for the kids just in case they needed her. 

We are both the blame on the 1st marriage going bad, as I got burned out and quit trying and she did not want to work. We both could have made concession but we didnt. When we got married she was just 19 and I was 22 and we both should have gave it a few years but we didnt. I don't have any hard feelings about my 1st M as we are best friends and we still talk due to us being co-parents on our children. 

The 2nd marriage is where infidelity played a part in the break up. As mentioned she was spending more time traveling 2-3 days a week in the Oil Industry so she was with nothing but guys and hanging out with them at night in the bars and such.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

txrover said:


> Her being a SAHM is not what killed the marriage, it was me getting burned out from working 2 jobs and her not working. As mentioned it lasted 13 years so both kids were in school so she could have worked but she did not want to. Plus how would you feel if you had to move in with your FIL known as a man you could not provide for your own family. It made me feel real bad about myself so we did decided to a new home and i took a 2nd job to cover the bills. When times got tuff and i needed her to help out she did not go to work and wanted to be at home for the kids just in case they needed her.
> 
> We are both the blame on the 1st marriage going bad, as I got burned out and quit trying and she did not want to work. We both could have made concession but we didnt. When we got married she was just 19 and I was 22 and we both should have gave it a few years but we didnt. I don't have any hard feelings about my 1st M as we are best friends and we still talk due to us being co-parents on our children.
> 
> The 2nd marriage is where infidelity played a part in the break up. As mentioned she was spending more time traveling 2-3 days a week in the Oil Industry so she was with nothing but guys and hanging out with them at night in the bars and such.


This board is littered with guys who gave her what THEY wanted.

I think the SAHM thing is often codependent in nature.

It's our dream to not actually have to work (even though it would drive us crazy).

It drives many of our wives crazy also.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

TX,

I don't think you would get any argument from most of the men around here (including me) that moving in with the FIL would be a blow to the ego and would be something to avoid at virtually all cost. I honestly would rather rent a cheap apartment than do that.

But what I am trying to get at is from where I am standing, you either made poor financial decisions or you allowed your W to push you into those decisions, decisions you ultimately regretted and felt bad about. Which is it?

I also see that your first W dictated to you without your input about what she was going to do, i.e. SAHM. This made you make concessions, work extra jobs, do things that you were not ok with. It sounds like you were a nice Beta provider for a good bit of that M, but couldn't keep up with expectations.

Definitely not looking to blame anyone or point fingers, but back to one of the original questions, tell us about your first W. Her personality and yours in that marriage. What did she want and expect out of marriage? What did you? Who fell short?


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