# Neglectful Husband - Male Friend Wants Affair



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

My husband of 20 years is a depressed alcoholic who shows no affection, no longer wants to make love, and I can only speak to him during commercials since he is a couch potato.

I am vital, funny, and adventurous. A man I used to work with wants me to have an affair with him. He writes me letters that make me feel sexy and wanted. But I am no child, I know this man will lose interest as soon as he gets in my pants, but it is nice to know he still wants me after all these years (he and I worked together 1994 to 1998 and he still keeps in touch). This man and I clicked on a base level and were very hot for each other sexually. I didn't cheat physically, but mentally I was in deep. Hubby got suspicious and hacked my phone and computer and found out. He called me all kinds of names and hated me and wanted me out. I tried to tell him that if he wasn't going to give me the attention I need even though I beg, what is wrong with another man doing his job since he doesn't do his job?

I know, lame excuse. His depression and alcoholism is so bad, I could have an affair all day since he doesn't come out of his room until late evening. But I don't. The dude who wants to see me for an affair writes every day, but I either ignore it or tell him no. I do not want to kick my husband when he is down, but he is doing nothing to make himself better. He refuses drugs, therapy, talking things out, and getting out of bed. 

In the interim, I have let myself go. I used to be in shape, but now I have gained weight and feel ugly so I hide from the outside. I hide from my husband. His lack of interest in me doesn't have to do with my weight because this has been going on for years and years. 

My question is, if he won't talk to me, why can't I talk to anyone I want? Male or female? It is times like this I try to say the serenity prayer. I have been to ALANON and years and years of therapy. I think the only way I will be free is if he dies. He doesn't take care of himself, drinks every night, no exercise, has asthma and sleep apnea. I frequently check on him when he is sleeping to make sure he is alive and is laying on his side. Last night he passed out in his chair in the kitchen and I swore he was dead. 

I am so sad and tired. I just need to find a way to cope. 

Thanks for listening everyone.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

You need to not make any major life changing choices right now. I see that you have been in Alanon. You should speak to someone from your group as soon as possible about this. 

I would block this man coming on to you if he can not respect your NO! You do not want to make a choice you may later wish you had not. 

Yes there is a guy who is offering you what you want and need that you are not getting from you husband but you are not in a position to do so with out hell to pay. 

I know that you know you have to either commit to stay with you husband and remain faithful or finally decide to leave. Which is hard when you are co-dependant ( I know that more then anyone should) 

Call a someone from your Alanon group and may be read a little more from your book but make no choices while you are in this state.

I am very sorry that you are in this place and I hope that I have help. Best wishes. Serenety, strenght, wisdom


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I think the only way I will be free is if he dies.


You're very wrong. Your husband doesn't have to die for you to be free. You're free to divorce him any day and then go do the lover-boy at work. 

Heck, your husband might just come alive and start banging some hot women he couldn't dream of having while he was with you for 20 years.

That's how life is.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Sorry about your current situation endless have you tried to get him to attend MC maybe 
Layout what you would like in yr relationship and if he isn't able to work on these things 
I would get a divorce and move on I feel that life is to short to except unexceptable behavior.
Maybe start working on yrself such as working out eating healthy etc I do not feel
Starting up with someone while still married is the way to go ethically or morally.
IT might be fun for awhile but eventually it will catch up with you. You know the right decsion.
Good Luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

You my friend are hilarious! I keep telling my husband that what would make him come alive is a new young woman. You can't tell me he wouldn't get hard to some young hottie. He denies it, but he would, wouldn't he? 

I am tempted to get with my sexy other man, but I think the only reason he is so hot for me is because he hasn't had me yet. I think once he uses my body, he will lose interest. Men love the hunt, especially this one.


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I have been a traditionally selfish person. The younger me would have had to affair and to hell what others thought. But I cannot kick my husband when he is down. I do know that nagging him and pecking at him like a chicken to change doesn't work at all. 

Most young girls want the big wedding, with the dress, the cake, the light, music, and bridesmaids. They know nothing about the MARRIAGE and what a rude awakening that is!!!


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

endlessgrief said:


> You my friend are hilarious! I keep telling my husband that what would make him come alive is a new young woman. You can't tell me he wouldn't get hard to some young hottie. He denies it, but he would, wouldn't he?
> 
> I am tempted to get with my sexy other man, but I think the only reason he is so hot for me is because he hasn't had me yet. I think once he uses my body, he will lose interest. Men love the hunt, especially this one.


Depends what you're looking for. If you want to get laid - he's your man, but if you're missing someone to give a sh!t and love you, you will just end up feeling lonelier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

At some point you are going to have to stay or go. 

Would you respect your self if you had an affair? 

What if your husband goes to rehab and comes out ready to be what you need and you have to tell him that you cheated on him? 

Who cares if this guy wants you like that. Really sex is not going to make it all better. It sounds like you want a whole lot more then that.

Make a choice that you will be able to wake up to feeling good about your self. Start by working on your self. Get into shape and all that, you will love your self for that.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel some of the saddest mistakes in marraige is when these things start happening early on & the emotionally healthy non addicted spouse doesn't call an "ultimatum" on the situation to either get help (Alcoholics Anon, Marraige counseling, etc), you'll stand beside them every step of the way if they are willing ....to do what is BEST for the marriage .... or I am leaving ! Too often we stay, hoping, praying, begging for change, infact becoming *enablers *of some addiction of our spouses, then the years slowly go past one after another, nothing changes, we find we are drowning in pain or have become NUMB by then.....Then we realize we can't breath anymore, where did the years go, I am still alive, don't I deserve some happiness ! 

I am so sorry to hear all you are going through, alcoholism is a terrible terrible thing- I know my mother married one , she watched him die a slow agonizing death with the failing of his liver -- it destroys so many lives. I can't say I blame you for how you FEEL, alone, craving for more...honestly, I'd want the hell out of that situation myself ! 

BUt taking up with a man who is only going to use you - while still be being married- even if he is not even mentally available -you know this is just a bandaid on an already wounded heart . 

Married 20 yrs, it's been a long haul, if you still have kids at home, can you make it on your own, what will happen to him, does he work? 

Just some books I looked up : 

Amazon.com: Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic (9780932194176): Janet G. Woititz: Books

Amazon.com: Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II (9780910034791): Al-Anon Family Group Head Inc: Books

DO you feel he can be helped ??

Amazon.com: Getting Them Sober: You Can Help! (9780961599591): Toby Rice Drews: Books


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The OM is taking advantage of you and your situation to get in your pants. Sleep with this guy and you'll lower yourself to his level.

Divorce your husband because he is damaged and cannot be a proper husband to you, but don't make a bad situation worse by humiliating him.


----------



## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

endlessgrief said:


> My husband of 20 years is a depressed alcoholic who shows no affection, no longer wants to make love, and I can only speak to him during commercials since he is a couch potato.
> 
> I am vital, funny, and adventurous. A man I used to work with wants me to have an affair with him. He writes me letters that make me feel sexy and wanted. But I am no child, I know this man will lose interest as soon as he gets in my pants, but it is nice to know he still wants me after all these years (he and I worked together 1994 to 1998 and he still keeps in touch). This man and I clicked on a base level and were very hot for each other sexually. I didn't cheat physically, but mentally I was in deep. Hubby got suspicious and hacked my phone and computer and found out. He called me all kinds of names and hated me and wanted me out. I tried to tell him that if he wasn't going to give me the attention I need even though I beg, what is wrong with another man doing his job since he doesn't do his job?
> 
> ...


"Doesn't do his job" Really? That's a husbands job? Anyway, your husband sounds like no prize BUT divorce a better option than rationalizing cheating. 
To your credit, you do realize that once this "friend" gets the panties the love talk and attention will stop. Not too many men truly respect a woman who is cheating on their husbands even if they are the happy beneficiaries. Did I mention divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What is it you want---You moan and groan, about your terrible H., about your terrible life------

Guess what you are a big girl---You can walk out the door anytime you want, and find a big enjoyable world to live in---you already have a man that wants you!!!!!!

You got 2 choices, either end your farce of a mge., or stay and suffer---what I really wanna know is why are you complaining about it all, you have known what to do, for a very long time

I guess the real question is---why won't you leave, what are you afraid of.

Whatever you do---don't cheat----if you want a love Affair---get yourself divorced/seperated---that way you will have no guilt/shame attached to whatever it is you decide to do.


----------



## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Leave.

Don't have an affair. Leave him. Start divorce proceedings, and move out. But do not have an extramarital relationship until the divorce is finalized. 

They say a lot of addicts only start to turn around when they've hit rock bottom. This could be doing him a favor. If he sobers up, excellent. If not, then you'll have made the right decision.


----------



## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

I'd like to point you to the threads of a TAM member known as maxter.

Maxter was an alcoholic. Perhaps as a way of coping, his wife engaged in an affair.

The affair was the wakeup call he needed. After he found out, he sobered up. He basically turned his life around. 

Yet the affair continued on and off, even after he had been sober for years. She couldn't stop. 

You see, affairs are like addictions themselves. In an affair, the brain secretes a ****tail of chemicals that can be as addictive as an illicit substance. It's a powerful drug.

maxter's wife did finally hit rock bottom, but so much unnecessary damage was done.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...about-loose-my-mind-trapped-cant-get-out.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...139-ive-graduated-divorce-forum-very-sad.html


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

endlessgrief said:


> I have been a traditionally selfish person. The younger me would have had to affair and to hell what others thought. But I cannot kick my husband when he is down. I do know that nagging him and pecking at him like a chicken to change doesn't work at all.
> 
> Most young girls want the big wedding, with the dress, the cake, the light, music, and bridesmaids. They know nothing about the MARRIAGE and what a rude awakening that is!!!


You have been in an EA with this guy for a long time. This would have been soul destroying for your husband. 

Whatever you feel about your husband now is irrelevant while you continue the affair. 

Your quiet right. Once your sexy email man gets in your pants he will lose interest. Not straight away, he will keep you hanging on for years if he can.

End the affair because it will send you to a place you really do not want to be. Your used to certain things in your life and all that is about to vanish. Those 20 years are worthless.


You will lose all your security and you life will turn to thing you will not recognise in a very bad way.

You will probably lose your house, your savings. Everything.
If you don't believe me have a quick look at the results of infidelity on that board. 

If you want to leave. Do that but do not do it with an affair. 

It is not worth a bit of attention. End it. 

Wait 6 months, then decide.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't have an affair. If you are unhappy, divorce your husband.


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel some of the saddest mistakes in marraige is when these things start happening early on & the emotionally healthy non addicted spouse doesn't call an "ultimatum" on the situation to either get help (Alcoholics Anon, Marraige counseling, etc), you'll stand beside them every step of the way if they are willing ....to do what is BEST for the marriage .... or I am leaving ! Too often we stay, hoping, praying, begging for change, infact becoming *enablers *of some addiction of our spouses, then the years slowly go past one after another, nothing changes, we find we are drowning in pain or have become NUMB by then.....Then we realize we can't breath anymore, where did the years go, I am still alive, don't I deserve some happiness !


Great post and so close to what I went through when I was young and in love, sounds you know what you are talking about. He has been an alcoholic since he was young, I married him knowing he was a problem drunk, but I was young and didn't know what co-dependant was. I thought I could change him. I thought if he really loved me, surely he would choose me over the bottle. As the years rolled on, here I sit 20 years later, older and wiser and I can see that I never had control of the situation. I was never going to change him. Also, he didn't drink to hurt me. As far as the affair goes, I am not going to go there. That would just cause more problems. My husband is not a monster, the night I posted this post, I was in a deep pity party for myself. I just needed someone to listen who has been there so I don't feel so alone.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

But why do you stay with him? Are there children involved, of any age? 

The fact that you would consider an affair may be a reflection of how damaged your self-worth is, after years in a "marriage" like this. I know it isn't funny at all, but I keep thinking, "Save yourself!" like a line from a bad movie.


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I came here to share my innermost feelings with others who would understand. I wasn't expecting some of you to be so mean. I do not plan on having an affair, I know the other dude just likes the chase and he will just use me. My husband has been drinking heavily since I have known him. I married him knowing all this and did it anyway because I love him as a person. And, as a young girl with hardly any life experience, I thought I could change him. I know better now.

I just needed to vent my anger to others in this forum, a friendly ear (or eyes) so to speak. I didn't expect some of you to come at me with flaming sticks screaming MONSTER!!!!. I swear some of you had me checking my neck for bolts! I want to be honest in this forum, it's nice to let everything out. To share things I am not able to share with family or friends. I know I can divorce him any time I want. I just needed to vent. It's called EMPATHY my friends. Some of you need to retract your claws, no one is perfect.


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

There is no way I am going to cheat on my husband. When I posted my original post, I was angry and hurt. I am trying to make my husband into something he is not. Some of you were great and understanding. Thank you so much for your support. As for some of the people who had snarky answers, think before you type. I knowthe deal, I know about divorce, I just thought this was a safe place for people to go to complain, cry, whine, etc. to others who may be in the same boat.


----------



## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

You're free to vent, but it looked like you were on the cusp of making a horrible decision. Of course people were going to push you the other way.

You say you were making him out to be something he's not, but that's all we have to go on. Care to tell us the other side to this? What makes you stay?


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

dymo said:


> You're free to vent, but it looked like you were on the cusp of making a horrible decision. Of course people were going to push you the other way.
> 
> You say you were making him out to be something he's not, but that's all we have to go on. Care to tell us the other side to this? What makes you stay?


I know, it is hard to tell all the information in one post. I am more clearheaded now and ready to answer your question. When I married him I knew he was not affectionate, didn't like to talk, didn't share feelings, drank like a fish, etc. I was so young with a mother who was co-dependant in her own relationship pushing me to take care of him. HE comes first. STAND BY YOUR MAN. I did that for 19 years. I begged, pleaded, prayed and he still hasn't changed. I got therapy and went to ALANON and am no longer a codependent.

Now that I am older and hindsight is 20/20, no one can change anyone. I had to learn that the hard way. When I posted my post about neglect and affair, I was fuming mad. Tired of being ignored, of having to speak only during commercials, blah blah blah.

So, my emotional needs have never been met by this man and this other dude who wants the affair always did (we worked together for years). The affair I was speaking of was a mental one, not a physical one. But I know better. He wants me only because he can't have me. What an ego on this guy!!! To tell the truth, I have been ignoring his emails for months. I only wrote what I did because I was like, "I gotta a guy who wants to worship me and I am married to a guy who doesn't know I am even here!" This dude almost ruined my marriage once, he will not be allowed to do so again. 

After all that, my husband is still the sweetest, kind hearted, cute, and funny man. No one can make me laugh like he can. I don't cook or clean or act like a traditional wife. He never mentions it or complains at me. He is this huge hunk of a man with long blonde hair (I am attracted to heavy metal long haired bad boys) who is over 6 feet tall, yet he is gentle with me. 

I guess I got angry the other night because he is in a deep depression, never gets out of bed, drinks rum every night even knowing I hate it. I just got tired of jumping through rings to get this guys attention. The other night I hit my boiliing point and found this site. It did feel good to vent.

He shows me he loves me to the best of his ability. However, he doesn't meet my high standards of affection because I am on the other end of the affection spectrum. It's like I am Pepe Le Pew and he is the black cat with the white stripe down her back! (I really hope you get that reference, because it fits perfectly).


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I really see the issue of the potential affair is secondary. You obviously care enough about your marriage to stay.

Remember you are not even doing your husband a favour by maintaining the status quo. He is on a path to drink himself to death and your role seems to be spectator. 

It may be the best thing you could do for both of you is set some boundaries and if that doesn't work, move on. 

If he doesn't get help and you leave, there is a risk that he will continue to wallow in depression and self-destruction except now he will also try to blame you, but that doesn't make it true and that doesn't mean you have the power to change the path he is on.


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

_"A man marries a woman hoping she won't change and she does. A woman marries a man hoping he will change and he doesn't"._

Cut off your ex-coworker. The more you engage him the worse you'll feel about yourself (believe it or not) and your marriage.

Does your husband say why he won't exercise? The fact that he sits inside all day and gets up so late says that he is not getting enough sunlight. Sunlight is crucial for well-being. If you think about it, all over the world there have been different diets and lifestyles for many years, but the one consistent thing everyone everywhere has had access to is sunlight--it's very important.


----------

