# Wife feels more like a friend...



## JackKnife (Aug 27, 2013)

I don't really feel in love with my wife. Never have. I've always had friendship, respect, and care about her very much, but no sparks. A little background: I'm 32. I first met my wife on the job. We both left that job and stayed in touch as friends. I was going through a very horrible time in my life where I didn't know if I even wanted to live. She came in as a friend, picked me up, pulled me out of this dark place, and stood by me. 

Eventually she told me she wanted a romantic relationship, but I didn't because I didn't care for her in that way and had no physical attraction for her. Anyway, after this rough period was over she mentioned it again and I thought I would be a total ******* if, after all she had done I didn't at least give her a chance. I also figured that all my previous relationships had a lot of passion, emotional AND physical and those all ended badly, so maybe I should try something different. So we started a romantic relationship. I still felt nothing for her physically, but thought she was great. I just dismissed the lack of chemistry and passion as me being shallow. 

Anyway, over time I never shook the feeling that I shouldn't continue the relationship, but just felt too guilty to leave and I have a low self-esteem, so I've always thought I should be happy that anyone is willing to be with me and should take who I can get. Plus she treated me really good. So this thinking led us to marry 6 months ago after being together for 2 years. We lived together for 2 months before marrying. She has 3 children, 2 of whom are autistic, which makes for an even more stressful situation. 

Now, I just feel like I want to escape. When her kids are here I feel smothered and become so easily frustrated. It keeps getting worse and we hardly say more than a few words per day to each other. We haven't had sex in almost a month because frankly, the thought of sex with her is not something that I find to be arousing, she actually turns me off big time. 

Essentially I stay because I don't want to hurt her and am worried about ending up alone. I feel like if we had not gotten married I'd probably just break up with her, but because marriage is much more of a concrete commitment, it makes it a harder decision to make. I'm also indecisive and wonder if I'm just not cut out for marriage.

Anyone have any advice? Please and thank you!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes I have advice. Divorce her and let her find someone who loves her. She deserves this.


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## The Geek (Aug 28, 2013)

JackKnife said:


> I don't really feel in love with my wife. Never have.


Honestly, I quit reading for the most part after your first 2 sentences. 

You need to let her be free. You are acting selfish. Have no idea why you got married to begin with.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Omg....

This is waaaaaay too close to what my ex did to me, with only a few minor differences in your story. 

Despite your efforts to try and come across as a 'nice guy', you're anything BUT 'nice'. Your motives were COMPETELY selfish, self-serving, and all about YOU. 

Divorce her. Please put HER ahead of YOU for a change. The longer you stay with her, the worse it's going to be when you finally DO say good-bye.

Vega


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Everyone,

I don't think insulting to the OP or being sarcastic is going to help him or his wife. 

JackKnife,

If you're truly not attracted to her, then you need to be honest with her and tell her that. Is there any possibility that under the right conditions you would be attracted to her? If she lost weight? Changed her mannerisms?

It sounds like you don't have any children with her. If there is no hope that you would ever be attracted to her, then yes, I agree with the others that you should let her go. It would be painful, but it would be best for her in the long run.


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## JackKnife (Aug 27, 2013)

Thank you for the support Theseus. As for the rest of you...I know I'm not a good person. I feel horrible about having gotten involved with her despite not loving her. I thought I was doing the right thing. Please understand that it is not just physical attraction that is the problem. No, I don't find her all that attractive. But one of the main reasons for this is because I am not emotionally attracted to her. It think she is a co-dependent person and isn't really in love with me either but because she is a single mom with 3 kids, 2 of which are disabled, she convinces herself that she is because she doesn't want to be alone. But all of that aside, even if it was JUST physical, which it is not, is a person suppose to force their self to have sex with someone? I personally find that to be very damaging. Furthermore, life is too short to be miserable. I am open to advice, but please, if all you're going to do is insult me then please don't bother responding.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

You've been given the best advice: let her find someone that truly loves her.

You're rationalizing that she may not be in love with you either, but honestly it seems like you are only trying to placate your own ego. I may be mistaken, but that is the appearance.


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

I don't think you were an ahole for marrying her in the first place, but for your own sanity I think you need to be an ahole now and divorce her. You will feel miserable and bad for doing it but years down the road you will be thankful. Life is short dont make this situation be yours forever. And never mind the friends/family that judge you - they arnt living what you are. Now is the time to become extremely selfish and do what you wish. If you had only 5 years left, would you want it to be where you are now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Your wife chose you and continues to choose you every day, so I think you need to assume that she's a big girl and is staying because she is getting what she needs out of the marriage. So stop worrying about her in that sense. 

I do think you need to do what is right for you. If staying is right, you really need to find that love again and turn things around. Your wife might be happy with this arrangement right now, but I think you both could be a lot happier if you chose to love her every day.

If you need to leave for you, then be gracious about it and leave. You have what appears to be a bare-minimum marriage and I'm sure she could find something at least as good (and probably much better). You could too.

But maybe you are actually growing up and weighing what you want vs. wanting what's best for her. If you are there, include her on the conversation. She deserves that much. And you might be surprised as to what she says. Life is happening every day, and you only speak a few words each day, you are probably both missing a lot.


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## bn311 (Aug 28, 2013)

It's your life, you should be happy. Your happiness is important too. If you are with someone you can't be happy with, and you have tried everything there is to try, then let it go. Let it go for both yourself and her. You and her both deserve happiness. Don't be selfish and stay with her for the thought of being alone, you will find someone you are meant to be with and so will she. Let go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow.

So you married her, duping her, really,into a relationship, making her think you actually loved or were attracted to her and yet you have never loved her, been attracted to her or even want sex with her.

It sounds like you were going through the motions and to me it's one of the cruellest things you could have done to her, who seems to genuinely love you.

My advice is, if you truly feel this way (and aren't in an affair with someone else), then end it quickly. She deserves much more than you have ever pretended to give her. You have essentially stolen years of her life (and yours, too).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just tell her the truth. It's not a real marriage if you're not truthful anyway.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JackKnife, get and read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. It is all about living authentically to yourself with integrity. Lying to her is not integrity. Staying with someone you don't really want to be with is not authentic to yourself.

Visit the support forums at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Own it.

Tell her quickly & firmly that you made a mistake marrying her & want a divorce. Apologize, be kind & gentle. Offer to be a friend.

Do not tell her that you think she is codependent, doesn't really love you, etc. to ease your guilt.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Our son almost made this same mistake. He didn't want to back out 3 weeks before the wedding, but finally, after much discussion, he did.

We love him, we liked her....they were just not right for each other. Her parents didn't like him, they were fighting like crazy every day...

The breakup was the right thing for both of them. 

I hope you are able to work this out, it's a hard place to be.


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## whitecat (May 17, 2013)

JackKnife said:


> I don't really feel in love with my wife. Never have. I've always had friendship, respect, and care about her very much, but no sparks. A little background: I'm 32. I first met my wife on the job. We both left that job and stayed in touch as friends. I was going through a very horrible time in my life where I didn't know if I even wanted to live. She came in as a friend, picked me up, pulled me out of this dark place, and stood by me.
> 
> Eventually she told me she wanted a romantic relationship, but I didn't because I didn't care for her in that way and had no physical attraction for her. Anyway, after this rough period was over she mentioned it again and I thought I would be a total ******* if, after all she had done I didn't at least give her a chance. I also figured that all my previous relationships had a lot of passion, emotional AND physical and those all ended badly, so maybe I should try something different. So we started a romantic relationship. I still felt nothing for her physically, but thought she was great. I just dismissed the lack of chemistry and passion as me being shallow.
> 
> ...


It's sad. Sounds like you had good intentions. Sounds like you care for her as a friend and as a person. You did not heed your inner voice and you went ahead and committed yourself to her in marriage.

The good news is that you can break this commitment. Of course, there will be hurt feelings, pain, disappointment, probably for both of you. But you have to do it. Your letter is very clear. You do not love her. You do not feel attracted to her. You do not have any romantic feelings towards her. In fact, she repulses you. You said, she turns you off.

So divorce her. It's okay. She'll be upset for a while. She'll hate you for a while. She'll get over it and find someone who will love her and be attracted to her. You will feel guilty for a while. You will hurt or a while. But then you'll get over it and you'll fall madly in love with a woman whom you will find attractive physically and emotionally. You will marry her and have wonderful kids with her.

So, yeah. It's okay. Get a divorce.


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