# Texting his ex



## hurtandconcerned (Mar 31, 2011)

I am deployed right now and have recently discovered my husband texting his ex. We have had this problem at the beginning of our relationship where they would text and it really didnt bother me too much until she began to say stuff like " I miss you" and " could you ever come back to me" , stuff like that. i confronted him and told him that i didnt not like what was going on. he put up a fight saying that they were friends and thats it. Im my opinion if she were truly only trying to be his friend she would try and respect our marriage by not having those intentions. Eventually i made it clear that it was me or her and the texting stopped. Now that i have been away for 2 months, about 9 months since they last spoke, the two have reconnected and i am not ok with this. My husband and i email daily but they text non stop throughout the day and he even texts her in the morning before he sends me an email. I dont think i would feel half as bad about what is going on if i hadnt saw a few of their conversations on facebook. He told her that i would probably leave him if i knew they were talking, and then continued to say "the sooner the better, really i just want to go home and start over" i was devestated! He had also said that he regretted getting married in the prime of his life because there was so much stuff he wanted to do that he wont get to do now that we are married. I had no idea he felt this way at all! he never once brought this to my attention, in fact a lot of what they talk about is stuff that he never shares with me. He said that i was insecure and felt threatened by her and that he wished i would just grow up. The thought of him waking up in the morning and the thought to text her is the first thing that pops into his head breaks my heart. I have know for about a week now and havent confronted him yet. Im affraid that if i ask him to stop talking to her again hes going to leave. I cant imagine a friendship that means more than the relationship with your wife. I cant go on with him texting her but i dont know how to go about getting him to stop. this past week i have even tried to be more attentive (via email and skype) to him. letting him know that i love him and sending him pictures. I dont know what to do, i dont think that he should be texting her but i dont want to push him away. Advice please!!!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him it ends with her or he loses you.


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## hurtandconcerned (Mar 31, 2011)

I found out because i did the untrusting thing and checked his facebook (i have his password, which he changed which is how i knew something was up but i also knew the password he changed it to) and i looked at his message history and there was a whole slew of messages about how there was trouble in our marriage, which was news to me, and about how he wasnt going to let me tell him who he can be friends with. Eventually my husband said "hey lets text instead" she was reluctant at first because of me getting angry last time but eventually said ok. so thats when i started checking his phone bill (again knew his password) and saw they infact text all the time. At one point we were skyping and he said that he had alot of house work he had to do and wanted to get off so i said ok but looked at the phone bill and say that he had been texting her the entire time. So yes my source is reliable because i saw it with my own eyes but i no longer know what they talk about because the bill only shows dates times and names. I dont know what they could be talking about, i try and carry on conversations via email but he just wont reply when he does its nothing to keep the conversation going you know? like the one word answers. i even tried sending him indepth emails in hopes he would say a bit more but he doesnt. When we skype however he seems interested and for a short period of time i feel happy again but once i look at the phone bill i just go back to being depressed. She lives about 700miles away so i doubt this would ever get physical but i still dont like the thought of him being more emotionally attached to another women. If/when i confront my husband hes going to mad and say that i cant tell him who to be friends with and also hes going to mad that i was checking his facebook and phone bill. Im affraid that he is going to tell me he stopped talking to her and change is passwords so i will never know. I know i need to confront him But i would rather know that he was doing it for sure than to have him lie and say that he stopped when in fact he hadnt.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

At minimum it sounds like an emotional affair.

If she is married or has a partner, tell the SO.


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## hurtandconcerned (Mar 31, 2011)

Shes not married and im not sure if she is seeing anyone. I was thinking about texting her and laying it our barney style for her. tell her to stop messing with my relationship but if i do that then she might tell my husband and he would still get mad and would most likely label me as crazy for doing such a thing. I dont want him to resent me i wish he could just understand that its wrong. Last time they were talking i did text her and she stopped but i also told my husband i was going to do it so there was no repercussions. I dont know what to do im so confussed, I love him so much, i wish he wasn't so infatuated with her!!!!


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## hurtandconcerned (Mar 31, 2011)

*well i did it, i confronted him...*

Last night I confronted my husband about talking to his ex. He wasn’t happy. I wrote him an email explaining how it made me feel when he talked to her and that I wanted us to be closer and more open with each other. I also told him that if he had a problem with our marriage I should have been the first one to not her and that I wasn’t going to step aside while he hurt me. As I was saying all of this I reassured him that I loved him very much and did not want to end our relationship but ultimately he was going to have to choose between me and her. He did not take this ultimatum well; he responded by calling me and immature jealous hypocrite and said I was being immature and ignorant. He said if there was no trust in our relationship how would it work out and that if we were really honest with each other than we would realize that this is an unhealthy relationship. He said that he could trust her to give him an unbiased opinion about anything and that he wasn’t going to stop talking to her. This is not at all what I thought would happen. I thought he would realize that what he is doing is hurtful to me and that should be all that matters. I was wrong; he clearly values his friendship with her more than our marriage. I didn’t think I was asking too much from him, I have given up friendships for him. For example, I had a friend that I worked with and my husband said that he didn’t like him and that I shouldn’t talk to him, that he didn’t like the way he looked at me. I ended the friendship, I didn’t awkwardly go out of my to avoid him but if he approached me I kept the conversation brief and casual. I didn’t delete him from facebook because we never really talked on there but again if he messaged me I kept the conversation short and about general topics like “how was your day?” stuff like that. If he would have asked me to delete him I would have. I had never dated this guy nor did I have any emotional connection to him but I could see that my husband was uncomfortable and ended the friendship. The first time my husband was talking to his ex I began to talk to my ex so he would understand how it felt once he stopped I stopped. I am shocked at the outcome of this, I cant stop crying, I don’t know what to do. Even though I gave him an ultimatum I don’t want to follow through with it. I love him so much and I never thought he would put her before me, I expected him to not be happy about it but to call me those name and to say that he’s not stop talking to her is probably the worst outcome that could have came from this. I can understand that they have a history together and memories but now its our turn to make memories and she doesn’t need to be a part of them and I explained that to him also. A part of me knows deep down that he still loves her, he loved her enough at one point to ask her to marry him (along time ago) , and that love just doesn’t go away easily. That’s one of the reasons im so hurt by him talking to her, because im afraid that after talking to her for so long hes going to remember why he loved her in the first place, if this already hasn’t happened. After reading and reading his emails it seems clear that he doesn’t want to be with me and that this may be just a scapegoat so he can start over. I love him way too much for this to be real, this isn’t suppose to happen. We both talked about how important it was that we always worked out our problems and now it just seems like he doesn’t want to try, like he doesn’t care. I don’t want this to be the end of our marriage or our love. I want to just forget about everything, forget about what he said about me and our marriage, to her and forget that I even know about them talking but things would never be the same. Every time I would think about him I would think about her too and that would carry on into the bedroom, she would be in the back of mind the whole time and it wouldn’t be the same. Eventually or sex life would cease to exist and he would be angry and start looking for other means of gratification. Either way this doesn’t end well for me. I am torn. I could really use some advise right now or at least someone to tell me that everything is going to be all right.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Facebook again. That site appears to be destroying so many people, so many relationships. It should come with a health and wealth warning. I'd say get rid of it but in your situation it could prove useful. 

Have you got joint bank/credit card accounts? Who pays most of the bills? Start by putting everything that is yours into your own single account. What's his - 50% what's yours 50%. 

Stop all the words and start the actions.

He is in an emotional affair now. 

Were you the other woman in his relationship with his ex before you were both married? If not, how long had he split with his ex before you came on the scene? 

This should have been stopped in its tracks at the outset but its much too late for that. Look for the weaknesses and then start to become strong. Stop all this, " I love him" because frankly right now he isn't lovable the way he's treating you. 

Protect yourself and your relationship and you need to start by looking at all that's going on, take out the emotional side of things which is much harder for a woman than a man sometimes. Speak to a trusted friend or family member and also lots of good folks on here. Stop the confrontation and don't look or appear needy. Be strong. 

I'd speak to the counselling service too as suggested earlier. You need a plan to tackle this and it is a difficult call. The more unhappy his homelife is because of how you are feeling, the more you push him into her arms. A confrontation with her might gell the two of them closer! Think strategically as to what presses his buttons and where you could have a strong point.

All the words just allow it all to fester, deteriorate and digress from the core issue - her in your lives. 

He will be re-writing your history, the hard luck poor me crap that spews out of his mouth and how you are both sooooo unhappy but your'e the last to know. Right? 

Quietly find out everything you can about HER. Keep it to yourself until you can use it to advantage yourself. Sorry to say but she is in your lives now and it should never have happened but it happens to us all when its almost too late and it takes some careful actions on your part to navigate your way through this pain.

What was it he liked about you before you got married. Is it still there or has it been lost in the day to day run of the mill activity of living?


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