# Just venting a little...long, I'm sorry...



## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

I've posted a few times, about wife having a very brief EA during an exceedingly difficult time in our marriage. We've since reconciled, counseling, etc. and are doing well in our relationship.

We have talked about it, and after some time and lots of questions, have mutually agreed to "let it go." In other words, at this point, my motivations for bringing it up would only be to throw it into her face, and so while it does occupy my mind at times, we are committed to moving forward and letting this go.

We have both been to individual counseling (different therapists), and also been to couples counseling. Our relationship is good, happy, etc. and we have gone on trips (just us, not the kids) and have really reconnected in open and honest ways. Truthfully, our relationship appears to be stronger than I remember it, and we both are excited about the future with each other.

With respect to the EA, it was just emails, no sexting, no pictures, no gifts, no calls, etc. How do I know? I asked her and I believe her. At the point these questions came up, neither of us was motivated to lie about any of it. I also was able to assess her reactions and believe she was telling the truth. She was truly remorseful about hurting me, and struggled with forgiving herself. I think we both are thankful it was discovered before it progressed into that kind of territory, which of course would have moved into a PA as well. I believe this would have ultimately been termed an "exit affair" as she was ready to leave our marriage. 

During this time, I had many epiphanies about my life, and made some drastic changes for the better - to better myself, which I certainly hoped would help our marriage. But I realized that I had several unhealthy behaviors that not only hurt my marriage, but hurt my children, friends and family. They have all seen positive change in me, and while they don't all know about my marriage crisis, let alond the EA, they have certainly acknowledged the positive change in me. And many of the changes I made certainly had a positive impact on my wife, and I believe this was part of the reason we are still together.

Without sounding self-loathing, it is true that many of the problems in our marriage were my fault. We have discussed this, and I bluntly stated that NOTHING either of us did in any way excused or justified the EA - that was wrong, period! She definitely agreed. I am NOT blaming myself for the EA, but I do acknowledge my role in our marriage which ultimately created a situation where an EA was possible. She is clearly at fault for the EA, I am NOT to blame for that. However, I certainly had unhealthy behaviors that have since changed.

I'm rambling...sorry...

Anyway, during our crisis, the following people have knowledge of her EA: my therapist, the couples counselor, and her therapist. These are the three folks who she knows are knowledgeable of her EA. 

However, there are several others that she does NOT know are aware of her EA, including 3 mutuals friends. I told them on DDay, and they have helped me as friends do during this time.

Her parents know about our crisis, but NOT about her EA. A few, very few, others know about our marriage problems, but not about her EA. I guess I am resentful for this. I certainly am not perfect, and have behaved in bad ways, and to varying degrees they know this. However, they don't know that she had an EA, and have no idea what I've had to go through, and what she put me through. Yes, I'm a little resentful of that. 

I guess I am questioning my motivation for wanting them to know. To tell them she's not perfect? To build myself up - oh, what a great guy to come back from that betrayal? I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. 

If I bring it up to anyone at this point, what is my motivation? I don't have an answer, but maybe someone can chime in with their thoughts? Of course, my brain is telling me to let it go, that bringing it up with only hurt us both. I don't know, just very conflicted...

thanks for reading, sorry it was so long...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

angrybuttrying said:


> I've posted a few times, about wife having a very brief EA during an exceedingly difficult time in our marriage. We've since reconciled, counseling, etc. and are doing well in our relationship.
> 
> We have talked about it, and after some time and lots of questions, have mutually agreed to "let it go." In other words, at this point, my motivations for bringing it up would only be to throw it into her face, and so while it does occupy my mind at times, we are committed to moving forward and letting this go.
> 
> ...


My wife had a PA. Did I want to tell people? Of course. 


Did I? No.

I think you would be best not telling anyone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Your reasoning is that you are still not fully healed. The hurt of the betrayal will be there for time to come. You may also be seeing this as a "she got away without consequences/ punishment" thing and want to get some sort of what you feel is fairness for what she did. 

Did your issues possibly cause this? I would guess that they had their hand in the marriage issues, but her "choice" to cheat was wholely hers and hers only. She needs to own that part fully and not blame you for her betrayal.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

There are different ways to look at whether or not to tell people and those have their good & bad points.

For me, I prefer that all should know. Not for any revenge factor, but so that people will understand that one of us is a betrayer and they can act accordingly- avoid that person, help that person, be support for one or both of us… 

An example- after my wife abruptly left me for a rich guy I told my neighbors and friends. When she returned a few weeks later and we tried to work things out, they looked out for us both. A couple of the neighbors befriended her and tried to help. However, when she got a new boyfriend, they also informed me and I was able to put a pretty quick stop to it all. 

The flip side is that now that time has gone by and all the changes that have been made, perhaps it is best to just let it be unless called for to disclose. That seems best to me now.

I hope things work out for the both of you.


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Wow, I love the advice on this board! Different perspectives, different stories, but excellent advice. Thanks!

I am not fully healed, and I do think that "she got away with it, with little to no consequence." My issues absolutely created a vulnerability that was exploited, but I do agree that the exploitation is all on her - and she has acknowledged this. 

Thanks for the comments - it is highly unlikely that I will tell anyone else, but dealing with my emotions will certainly be a struggle for quite a while. I'm trying to replace the negative memories with positive ones.

Part of me wishes he would reach out to her again (fishing?) so I can go nuclear and tell his wife, kids, friends, publish it on facebook, etc. Of course, that's the anger talking...

Anyway, thanks!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

It's an issue of how people perceive you. You want people to see you for who you truly are and what the situation truly is. If someone doesn't know about the EA and they are judging your marriage....they're obviously going to look at you as the bigger problems (due to your behaviors you discuss) where if they knew about the EA, their perceptions might be different...or they might not be. They could then take the stance (like so many do unfortunately) "See what he pushed her to." How would that make you feel?

The reality is you shouldn't worry about other people judging your marriage. Is it perfect, no. But you seem to be MOSTLY happy in it and based on what your saying, your wife is too. Here's what you need to focus on...your wife. Is HER perception and reaction to your marriage what you want it to be. If it is...so be it. If it's not, then you have a bigger problem.

Everything else is a scorecard that carries no weight.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> It's an issue of how people perceive you. You want people to see you for who you truly are and what the situation truly is. If someone doesn't know about the EA and they are judging your marriage....they're obviously going to look at you as the bigger problems (due to your behaviors you discuss) where if they knew about the EA, their perceptions might be different...or they might not be. They could then take the stance (like so many do unfortunately) "See what he pushed her to." How would that make you feel?


I struggle with this a lot. At best, my stbxw lied to me through our marriage and purposely hid tens of thousands in debt on credit cards I didn't know about. At worst, and more likely, she deliberately used me for financial security and accompanied it with one or more EAs or PAs, probably in the middle of one when she filed for D. I had good relationships family members of hers all over the country. Her grandparents are the only grandparents I've ever had a relationship with, as all of my own died before I really knew them. So among the countless things on my mind is the knowledge that her family knows nothing about her actions and that I have likely been demonized in order to receive the support that she needs from her friends and family.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Actually, if his wife wasn't told that is a mistake you are making. Are you hiding it from her because your wife asked you to? Is she protecting her EA partner over you?

When the BS gets into the business of protecting the AP by hiding the affair , the BS is compromising their own self it's never healthy.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The problem with people thinking you are the bad guy is, sometimes they might make snide remarks, or little comments, to your wife about it. I am guessing that they do, from time to time, ask, "so, he finally straightened himself out?" or something like "I'm glad you're doing well now, I can't believe what you had to put up with!"

Are you aware that anything like that is ever said?

If so, it is incumbent upon your wife to set the record straight. She does not have to confess to the EA, and I would recommend against it. She can, however, tell those people emphatically, "I was quite a bit at fault in any of our problems also. I am not going to discuss it with you, but I did some pretty terrible things myself, so it's unfair of you to act like it was only him."

If your wife allows others to badmouth you and does not defend you, or if you believe people think ill of you and your wife does not set the record straight, that is wrong. You should discuss it with your wife.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Angrybuttrying..I think one of the key things has been said ....your not done healing. You also can not just arbitrarily say we need to stop talking about this and move on....even though this is what the WS wants to do more than anything. Talking through your feelings and hurts is part of what helps you heal...I know you get to feeling like you have talked till you blue in the face ....but you have to talk till you sort through your pain and feelings....and she has to listen...period! 

My hubby exposed himself on the first Dday( PA)....after the subsequent multiple EA's after that I didn't expose him...I felt a lot of resentment after the last Dday for all he put me through...there were times I wanted so bad to expose him but I knew exposing him would destroy his pride. He had done some things he couldn't come to terms with...he was so ashamed of his behavior. I realized the only benefit to exposing him was revenge and pride on my part. My hubby was already broken by his own actions. 

If you think she needs to be exposed to help motivate her to keep her from cheating again....then you should think about it. If it is just your hurt or not healed yet...I would recommend you start talking to her about your hurt and pain instead. Good luck to you. We just celebrated 31 yrs...and we are happier than we ever have been in our lives. Reconciliation is achievable but it is painful and you will make many choices and sacrifices for it...this is one of them only you can decide choice/sacrifice. Either way she should know which one you choose...I let hubby know I chose not to expose him and the sacrifice to my pride that it took. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

angrybuttrying said:


> Wow, I love the advice on this board! Different perspectives, different stories, but excellent advice. Thanks!
> 
> I am not fully healed, and I do think that "she got away with it, with little to no consequence." My issues absolutely created a vulnerability that was exploited, but I do agree that the exploitation is all on her - and she has acknowledged this.
> 
> ...


My story is very similar to yours in that my wife had a brief EA and I caught it early. This was over 2 years ago now. 

Early on, we each told about 3-4 of our friends. No family. Nobody else knows, but we each had a few people to help us. At this point, two years later, I think it would be strange to tell someone new. 

The OM was not married - so we don't have that issue.

I don't see the point now in telling more people. You have your support group with your friends. Your W apparently didn't need any. Bounce feelings/ideas off the people you told, this TAM board. Otherwise, you run the risk of wrecking the positive strides you've made.


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Gabriel - thanks for the post! I don't want to wreck the positive strides we've made, for sure!

With respect to telling the OM's wife, I will absolutely do that if I find out that he has tried to contact my wife. But that hasn't happened. The other thing is that there is NO chance of contact unless initiated by either my wife or the OM, as the OM lives in Europe (they met on a plane, became friends, then close friends, etc.). Very short lived. If NC is maintained then I have nothing to gain from telling his wife, and lots to lose. If NC is not maintained, then that is a different story.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

angrybuttrying said:


> If NC is maintained then I have nothing to gain from telling his wife, and lots to lose. If NC is not maintained, then that is a different story.


I can see your thoughts on this issue, but I have to ask you, wouldn't you want to know if you were in her place. If the roles were reversed, and your WW, the OM, and the OMW were the only ones that were privy to this information, wouldn't you want to know and be told about it as well??


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Yes, I would. 

And I would generally agree that telling the OM's wife is the right thing to do. But in this case, other than the "moral obligation" to tell, why would I? And while I know and respect different views on whether there really is a moral obligation to tell, how does telling help me or my marriage?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

angrybuttrying said:


> Yes, I would.
> 
> And I would generally agree that telling the OM's wife is the right thing to do. But in this case, other than the "moral obligation" to tell, why would I? And while I know and respect different views on whether there really is a moral obligation to tell, how does telling help me or my marriage?



It helps your marriage if it is something that you need to be able to heal, gain closure, and move on. If you are in the position that it doesn't matter to you, then you have no need to tell, but you should probably take the same stance even if he tries to contact again. If your wife is not coercing or having contact with him, and he is contacting her out of the blue, then your telling his wife in that circumstance helps your marriage in no way either and you should keep it to yourself.

I told the OMW in my situation as I felt it was the right thing to do. Whether it was to help my marriage or not, it was only fair for the OWM to know, as it turned out that he was a serial cheater. Had I remained quiet, she would have been in a marriage that he was going to continually abuse her and keep her in the dark. This is my take on my situation and how I handled it. You need to do what will work best for you. I don't know what you should do, just what I have and would do. It is my advice that you are asking about.

Good luck and I hope all works out for you.


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

I guess I was thinking that one sure-fire way to get rid of this guy, if he starts up with the contact, is to tell his wife. I can't imagine the continued contact if his wife knows - that was just my thinking. If there continues to be NC, then I guess I am questioning my own motivations for telling his wife. 

Thanks.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

angrybuttrying said:


> With respect to telling the OM's wife, I will absolutely do that if I find out that he has tried to contact my wife. But that hasn't happened. The other thing is that there is NO chance of contact unless initiated by either my wife or the OM, as the OM lives in Europe (they met on a plane, became friends, then close friends, etc.). Very short lived. If NC is maintained then I have nothing to gain from telling his wife, and lots to lose. If NC is not maintained, then that is a different story.




Are you afraid of you wife's reaction? Perhaps there is more than you know. He obviously travels if they met on a plane. Think about that.

I would tell his wife. You'll know if they are still in touch and you just haven't caught it yet when your wife gets pissed.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposing is generally for breaking up an affair. You have already done that. To improve your marriage read MMSLP there is a link below and it can also be downloaded.

If you both are not familiar with Dr. Glass' work be sure and get that too.

Also check out NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY and see if you fit that profile. Many men do and it actually undercuts relationships. All three of these books have been recommended her thousands of times because they work.

Good luck


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