# Is it to late for mending?



## Toft (Nov 17, 2019)

My wife has been leaving for all weekend long every weekend for nearly a yr now. She will not answer my calls or texts at theese times. She swears she is just out at a friends house, but we have not been intement for so long now I'm sure there is another man. I have also found receipts for a mens wedding band she had purchased a few months ago. Our wedding anniversary has came and went so I know it was not intended for me. (We were strapped for cash when we were married and had inexpensive rings) ....however she hasnt worn hers for a very long time now. She still wears other rings and new ones that I havent bought. One of which on her ring finger that I never bought. She is extremely distant and uncaring of anything that has to do with me or my needs or wants. We have 2 twin daughters aged 9yrs and 3 sons from her 2 previous marriages. 2 with us and 1 with his dad mostly. She belittles every concern I bring up, and I am at my wits end. This isnt fair to me or our children. I'm not a saint, and I'm sure I have some blame in this for not being attentive enough. But after yrs of being accused of cheating because I went to work, or talked to the parents of my childrens friends regarding thier sleepovers and such. This is ridiculous. I have had to turn down work because of her jealousy (I used to be self employed doing construction and remodeling work) I have since regained my position for my former employer because the headache wasnt with it. She will not accept it if I have any form of social media, so I have gone without them as well. She sure does use them though. She turns on the bathroom vent and locks the bedroom door to hide her phone conversations, and if I knock on the door to our bedroom she quickly says I have to go and hangs up before unlocking the door with an attitude to see what I want. I fear divorce is imminent, but I want nothing more than to have a happy relationship for me and for our children. I just dont know how much more of this I can take. Any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

She has another man. Trust your gut. It is not lying to you. Only she is.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Why in the world would you want to mend such an arrangement?

She is OBVIOUSLY not in love with you and 99.9999999 % she is already sleeping with another man.

As a man myself I always have a VERY VERY VERY hard time trying to understand why so many men come here and want to fix something like this.

You DUMP HER FIRST and be done with it ...... take control and stop being a by-stander in life.

She doesn't want you on social media because she doesn't want you to see what she is doing ....... GET SMART FAST !!!!!!

Get your own social media if that is what you want. Does she carry your balls in her purse?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think you need to plan how to go from fearing divorce to welcoming it. Perhaps step 1 is to prove your fears and do the VAR (voice activated recorder) thing. She won’t suspect it as you’ve let her get away with this for so long. 

Normally I’d hope that you found out she wasn’t actually cheating but it really doesn’t matter; she checked out some time ago. You just need some clarity and get the torture over with. Either way I think.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Dude you need to have some self-respect damn. If you do need to catcher get a VAR or two place one in her car underneath the passenger seat, and one in your bedroom where she hides out and talks to him. Then I would go see a lawyer. I’m sure you don’t want to be your situation much longer than you have to be. First thing you should worry about is getting yourself out of infidelity.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Not only is she cheating, but she is abandoning your 2 children AND 2 of her children from her previous marriage every weekend not telling any of you where she is. What appalling behaviour, why would you even want to stay with such an awful woman???
The first thing you need to do is to tell her that you will no longer be caring for the 4 children every weekend, so she can either take them with her or stay at home. The second thing is to begin divorce proceedings and get legal advise about child custody for the 2 children who are yours. 
Even before this she sounds awful, controlling and manipulative, its hard to know why you married her.

As for the wedding ring, it seems she is wanting to marry someone else. Maybe he doesn't even know she is married with children, hence her refusal to be contacted when she is with him, what are you supposed to do in an emergency??
It would be good for you to find out who he is. Hire a private detective and see where she goes and who she is with.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Have someone secretly slip the other man a note saying she is on her 2nd marriage and has cheated in both of the marriages. 

And tell him that she has 4 children that she abandons at home. 

End it with "Good luck with this woman. The other two saps she lied to did not have any!".

He may not dump her, but he certainly will not marry her. The man's wedding ring (that she bought) will come off in a hurry.

Likely, she has told them that she lives with a horrible man, but is not married.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Men, to this woman are trinkets. They are ball-bells (baubles)! 

When she tires of their balls she tosses their finger rings away and then jing-a-lings for another.

Oh, and I hope she uses disease protection, and birth control! :surprise:

Let the kids know what she is up to.
No, what she is down to.



King Brian-


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sorry you are being cheated on, and after you meet with a lawyer. Find out if catching her in the affair is going to make a difference, if not do find out who it is and if he's married. Inform his wife and rock his world. Who cares if he knows if your cheating wife lied and tells him different. Because if he cheating on his wife. She needs to know. No one should have to put up with this. And for a year of weekends love affair leaves only one choice. You must go Nuclear on your marriage Take your losses and what is left of your self-respect, and do this for you not the kids but you.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It takes two to mend. If she is unwilling there is no mending. You deserve way better. Im sorry your going through this.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> As a man myself I always have a VERY VERY VERY hard time trying to understand why so many men come here and want to fix something like this.


Because "the roots of our raisin' run deep".... we are taught from the time we are leaving our pacifier behind that divorce is "not an option" .... because it is a mortal sin from which God will never forgive us.

Then our church comes along, and tells us that God indeed WILL forgive us, but we will never be forgiven by the church. We cannot return to communion, serve as a deacon or lay minister, nor ascend to any ministerial role following a divorce.

We will bear the personal shame of failure every day when we brush our teeth and comb our hair (even after the hair is gone) because we didn't exhaust every last alternative to this most egregious of the 8 deadly sins.

We come here to figure out when "the extra mile" has been trod (and, by that time, we have likely already gone about 6 extra miles).


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sparta said:


> Dude you need to have some self-respect damn.


That's what living with this kind of manipulative and abusive person does to the marital partner. Destroys the self-respect. Battered wife, battered husband .... same effect.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

1)Document all the time she has left you and your kids alone. You will need this for custody. This can significantly alter the custody if you can show that she is blowing off the kids.
2)If you can get a PI (or have a friend follow her) on a weekend just to confirm in your head that she has been cheating on you -- may give you enough anger to do what you need to do. When you DO find out she is cheating, make sure you expose to your family, HER family, and friends. She may be re-writing your marital history and making out like YOU are the bad guy - you need to set that straight.
3) GO to see a few lawyers -- you need to know information about finanace, child custody, etc.. If she has bought a mans wedding ring, she is already planning WAY ahead of you. KEEP those reciepts -- you will need them to show that she was spending YOUR joint money on her affair -- she will have to pay that out of any settlement.
4) Take care of yourself and your kids (eating, exercise, sleep, etc.)
5)Get s VAR and put it into the bathroom -- you will find out what she is talking about. Keep a VAR on YOU. When you do find out
6) Get yourself on to social media -- why do you let her control you that way? Have some of your friends who DO have social media check out what she is saying there -- she may not want you to have it so that you can't see HER posts.
7) Get YOUR plan together before she drops the bomb on you with divorce papers. You have to steel yourself that this is coming and make sure YOU are prepared first. 

VERY sorry you are going through this -- BUT you made a great first step -- you came here..... There are LOTS of folks who can help you out going through this.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Toft said:


> I fear divorce is imminent, but I want nothing more than to have a happy relationship for me and for our children. I just dont know how much more of this I can take. Any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated.


All you have done with your amazingly weak responses to her abusive attitude is to reinforce her contempt for you. 

You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it, and she has to believe it. I don't know why you think that you have to be with her for your happiness but this codependency of yours has to end. Your children seeing you in misery is NOT good for them. Better to coparent than let this travesty continue.

As to her jealousy of you, this is a major red flag. She shows the attributes of a sociopath. Here is a link: https://datingasociopath.com/2013/0...cuse-you-of-what-they-are-guilty-of-themself/ 

You better start setting a tone with her or consign yourself to a life of misery with a sociopath.

*Here is your check list:*

1. *You need to, at the very least, visit a lawyer to find out your options. * Do not hide this from her. Most people would be divorcing in response to the abusive treatment you are describing. Serving her with divorce papers is only the first step, as divorce takes time. If she were to somehow stop being a major b****, you could halt it, but I don't see her becoming penitent or remorseful. Till she gets her head out of her ass, you really have no realistic options.

2. *Set up a Doctor's appointment for an STD check.* Do not hide this from her. She is endangering you and your children health. People who have sex with several partners get diseases. It also sets a tone.

3. *DNA test your children.* It doesn't matter if they are your spitting image. You're setting a tone.

4. *Demand a polygraph exam.* It sets a tone.

5. *Have her followed by a Private Investigator.* You need proof. 

6. *Check her phone bill.* Check all electronics. Put a data tracker on her computer. Buy VARs and set them in her car or where she uses her phone.

7. *Start practicing the "180" technique religiously.* Here's the link: https://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

8. *You are a nice guy.* Nice guys finish last. Read this: https://archive.org/stream/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy_djvu.txt

9. *Don't do the pick-me-dance.* No begging or trying to reason with her. It makes you look pathetic. It never works.

10. *Women are drawn to courage, strength, and decisive action. * So far you haven't shown any of those. *Become that man for your children if not yourself.* Good luck. You will need it.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Read your post again as if a stranger was posting.
If you cannot see whats really going on here, then i feel sad for you.
Its so painfully obvious that you do not have a marriage. She has a babysitter.
Please respect yourself enough to get you and the kids out of this mess.
Follow the advice of others and be free of this waste of your life. Move on before you waste anymore precious time.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

To answer your question... yes it is to late for mending.

Your wife has another life with another man, he gets the fun benefits while you get the day to day responsibilities. You need to admit to yourself the marriage is over, tell her not to come back when she next leaves.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> The first thing you need to do is to tell her that you will no longer be caring for the 4 children every weekend, so she can either take them with her or stay at home.
> 
> Don't refuse to care for the children on the weekends. She could turn that around and make you look like *you* neglect them. Instead, start a notebook and a calendar, and write down every weeknend she is gone, and every time you are alone taking care of the children because she has gone to be with her lover. Keep very good records, because those records will be your evidence that you are a good father who deserves custody of your own children.
> 
> ...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Toft said:


> My wife has been leaving for all weekend long every weekend for nearly a yr now. She will not answer my calls or texts at theese times. She swears she is just out at a friends house, but we have not been intement for so long now I'm sure there is another man. I have also found receipts for a mens wedding band she had purchased a few months ago. Our wedding anniversary has came and went so I know it was not intended for me. (We were strapped for cash when we were married and had inexpensive rings) ....however she hasnt worn hers for a very long time now. She still wears other rings and new ones that I havent bought. One of which on her ring finger that I never bought. She is extremely distant and uncaring of anything that has to do with me or my needs or wants. We have 2 twin daughters aged 9yrs and 3 sons from her 2 previous marriages. 2 with us and 1 with his dad mostly. She belittles every concern I bring up, and I am at my wits end. This isnt fair to me or our children. I'm not a saint, and I'm sure I have some blame in this for not being attentive enough. But after yrs of being accused of cheating because I went to work, or talked to the parents of my childrens friends regarding thier sleepovers and such. This is ridiculous. I have had to turn down work because of her jealousy (I used to be self employed doing construction and remodeling work) I have since regained my position for my former employer because the headache wasnt with it. She will not accept it if I have any form of social media, so I have gone without them as well. She sure does use them though. She turns on the bathroom vent and locks the bedroom door to hide her phone conversations, and if I knock on the door to our bedroom she quickly says I have to go and hangs up before unlocking the door with an attitude to see what I want. I fear divorce is imminent, but I want nothing more than to have a happy relationship for me and for our children. I just dont know how much more of this I can take. Any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated.


*The purchase of a man's wedding band not intended for you can only mean that she's leading "the double life of a double wife!"

You need to be in fast dialogue with a good experienced family attorney who specializes in child custody, as well as a good hands-on private investigator! This is definitely not a do-it-yourself job!*


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## Toft (Nov 17, 2019)

Trouble is that she used to work at juvenile court and so has become acquainted with most of the attorneys,judges,and law enforcement in our area. I'm not sure who to talk to that wouldnt be showing her my whole hand


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Toft, lawyer up for you and the children.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Toft said:


> Trouble is that she used to work at juvenile court and so has become acquainted with most of the attorneys,judges,and law enforcement in our area. I'm not sure who to talk to that wouldnt be showing her my whole hand


Are you sure that they even like her? She may actually be disliked because they were around her enough to know how sleezy she is. An attorney is not allowed to tell anyone what you talk with them about.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Hiring a private detective is not that expensive these days. Hire one and get all the truth you need, then your options will be listed for you.


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## Toft (Nov 17, 2019)

She has a way of maintaining looks for herself. And dosent show this darker side of herself untill she believes that someone has worn out thier usefulness. I've seen this with her mother who tries to do everything she can for her and yet she remains so disrespectful of her. Also her father and step mother who have helped us out alot when we were struggling financially. They do not talk to each other at all anymore because she couldnt treat her step mom with respect. I could go on with coworkers and bosses but you get the idea. So to answer your question she very well could be in good Graces at this time as she never really spent alot of time getting to know them enough for the "dark side" to come out. But it helps to know they cant share and if I talk to them she couldnt use them herself.


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## Toft (Nov 17, 2019)

Just wish I would have seen this sooner. Thanks to all for the support and info/ideas. I already feel like a burden has been lifted by getting this out in the open. I've honestly been to embarrased by this even happening to talk about it till now. Or rather that I've let it happen for so long.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Doesn't matter -- the lawyers are NOT allowed to talk with her AT ALL once you talk with them -- they have to keep anything (including that you went to them) confidential.

Make sure you hit 2-4 of them in VERY short order (like all in one day or two days if you can). You need to get your plans together. You need to look up divorce laws in your state to get a basic understanding of what you may face BEFORE going to the lawyer. Again, get a PI (maybe your lawyer can help with someone they know) to get the goods, EVEN if your state doesn't have adultery -- it can be used as leverage and/or as help in the amount of support you need to give.

Don't worry you've let it happen too long -- just make sure you don't CONTINUE to let this happen to you and your kids.

Also, one thing you need to understand -- her cheating has NOTHING TO DO with anything you did. If she had a problem with you and your marriage, she should have divorced. CHEATING is 100% on her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Toft said:


> Trouble is that she used to work at juvenile court and so has become acquainted with most of the attorneys,judges,and law enforcement in our area. I'm not sure who to talk to that wouldnt be showing her my whole hand


*A good experienced family law firm who will keep things extremely confidential and will not reveal your hand of cards; and who will have no trouble in asking for recusals or a change of venue, if needed!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is it too late for mending? These guys say "yes":-


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry @Toft to hear of your predicament.
YOur wife sounds like an incredibly selfish woman. What mother goes off all weekend leaving her kids and husband behind without telling them? I think with 2 marriages behind her it is safe to say she was never marriage material.
YOu now need to form a plan so that you can move on in strenght and ensure the kids are ok.

1. Firstly go see a lawyer to see what your options are
2. If possible have a PI follow her to see if you can get evidence of her affair (she is definitely up to something). Once you get evidence, expose her to all and sundry, your family, her family, friends, etc.
3. If possible plant a VAR in her car
4. Do the 180 to help you detach emotionally
5. Set up some counselling for yourself to be able to forge ahead
6. Start the gym, some club, sport etc to remove yourself from the house as much as possible
7. Do not be the baby sitter for the weekends when he pisses of. Tell her she must stay home and you go off to a friends house for the weekend, just say "I've got plans.' Give her a taste of her own medicine.
8. Confide in a close relative or friend, to help you through this
9. Roll out your plan


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Toft said:


> Trouble is that she used to work at juvenile court and so has become acquainted with most of the attorneys,judges,and law enforcement in our area. I'm not sure who to talk to that wouldnt be showing her my whole hand


Use this to your advantage, as it is still looked at as infidelity and people still don't like that why because it could be them. You have the proof and quit shaking in the corner, it's time to come out into the light of day. And don't give a crap who knows just get your ducks in a row. And use those recordings to your advantage.

If someone comes to you let them hear it so when she rewrites your marriage to Her so called friends, you can always let them hear what a Cheating wife sounds like talking to her lover on the side. Don't show your hand get the recordings and facts in hand make copies and put them away somewhere safe where she doesn't know yes even a bank box only for you. Then you can always get rid of the bank box later.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife bought ANOTHER MAN A WEDDING RING. 

Read that again. Then really ask yourself WHY in the world you would want to save a marriage to such a piece of human waste... 

You and your kids deserve better. Man up and file for divorce.


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