# What no one tells you about marriage



## Sunshine143 (Jun 16, 2014)

Good Afternoon All,

I thought it would be interesting to see what everyone can contribute to this list. There are plenty of things that people warn/tell you about marriage, in terms of what you can expect, but some stuff you learn along the way. I believe this pertains to not only positive but negative things as well. For instance, I didnt expect that i would still get butterfly's 8 years into my marriage as if i were in high school - but i also didnt realize you could feel lonely at times within a marriage either. 

Please contribute. I think it would be really interesting to see what similarities emerge from people's experiences, also our differences. 

Have a great day.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

What is really meant when people refer to "humour" as important to a relationship.

It makes me wonder since almost no one would admit to having no sense of humour.

I think it means the ability to get some distance or perspective on your own emotions and immeidate issues. Few problems are life and death even though at first many problems look like they are.

If a couple can laugh about an issue together they almost certainly can talk about it honestly and openly.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

(1) that marriage was such hard work, they say that but you never know how hard it can be until you have real problems.

(2) that having children changes you in profound ways and has the potential for making you a better husband once you really understand unconditional love.

(3) that Capman's 5 Language of Love should be required reading before marriage and at a minimum of 5 year intervals during the marriage.

(4) that love is incredibly blind and that physical attraction is all about attitude. I love my wife even after two babies and 40+ years of marriage. I still worship her body, even if she has become uncomfortable with parts of it.

(5) that you need to take responsibility for your happiness. If you are unhappy, do something different and find happiness.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> (5) that you need to take responsibility for your happiness. If you are unhappy, do something different and find happiness.


Very true. Getting married is not a way to "fix" problems with you or life.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

That there IS such a thing as happy marriage.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm going to say that everyone tells you everything there is to know about marriage, but you have to choose to listen and do some digging on your own. 

And I'll add that whatever you encounter in your marriage, whether or not you were prepared, the most important thing to remember is that change and friction are INEVITABLE. Commitment to staying together includes understanding that you are absolutely guaranteed to have some bad times together. I won't even be so prosaic as to say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", only that not understanding how difficult it can be at times will lead you to temptations of abandoning the whole enterprise. Which is, depending of course on the severity of the problems, no gain, since you're going to have issues in Marriage Rev 2.0.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

There is marriage, and then there is having children in that marriage. They are two different marriages.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Sex is vitally important - it's the glue in marriage and should be kept a priority - no matter what comes. Luckily, I always enjoyed sex with my husband, so it's never been a problem; however, I think all guys and girls should have some sort of premarital counseling that really gets into the importance of maintaining a healthy sex life throughout your marriage.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

A. That you should never stop having sex. Ever.

B. That your spouse isn't suppose to "complete" you.

C. That it's possible to stay IN love long term.

D. That you'll both change overtime, and it's important to continue getting to know each other.

E. That it's possible to have a smooth marriage that doesn't feel constantly tough or hard.

F. That you really shouldn't sweat the petty stuff.

G. That your spouse sometimes serves as your mirror, for the good and not so...

H. That keeping a little mystery between you can be very beneficial.

I. That your real marriage can be better than your fantasy one, even if the two look very different. 

J. That you should never agree to change who you fundamentally are for the sake of your spouse.

K. That you can never change your spouse anyway.

L. That you're not responsible for making your spouse happy.

M. That weddings have little to do with marriage.

N. That you need to have deep, comprehensive, brutally open conversations about sex, money, spirituality, child rearing, and all other important topics before you get married.

O. That nobody truly wins an argument. 

P. That marriage isn't a mathematical equation and is never 50/50 at all times, if ever.

Q. That your marriage should be whatever the two of you design it to be, not what it's "suppose" to be.

R. That some separate finances can be very successful if it works for both parties involved. 

S. That kindness and courtesy should still prevail.

T. That whatever insecurities you had before marriage will only be exacerbated within marriage if you don't face them head on.

U. That trust and respect are equally as important as love.

V. That it's OK to still have interests and activities outside of your spouse.

W. That you don't necessarily need children to validate your marriage. 

X. That you should never cease deep kissing.

Y. That even years in your spouse can still take your breath away.

Z. That love truly does cover a multitude of sins.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

That it does not have to be a iife long, binding contract till you die. 
That you should get out earlier if it is the wrong place to be, not wait it out for years and waste your life.

That it can be extraordinary the second time round as long as you have learnt from the good and bad of your first experience.


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## micawber (Oct 8, 2014)

Don't EVER assume...ASK!...then remember.

Communication is key to a great marriage. I am only just finding this out almost 30 years in. Like, for instance...I just learned recently that Mrs. Micawber doesn't like to go to the grocery store. I never knew. It explains alot about what our pantry had in it (or lacked) over the years. She would dash in, find what we needed for the next day or so, then dash out as quickly as possible. I've since taken over the grocery shopping as I love it, but it just goes to show you what communication (or lack) can do.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

That love is a necessary, but not sufficient ingredient to sustain a marriage.

No matter how carefully you have chosen a partner, there will be power struggles, and they must be acknowledged and resolved.

You must want to be married more than you want to satisfy your longings for individual pleasures.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

This is fun. I don't think I was prepared for the amount of compromise you have to do. I was also did not realize that having a baby would be so hard on a marriage. Our son is 10 months and we are finally starting to recover. That might be short for some people.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just because someone says "I do" is no indication that they can, will, want to, or have any intentions of even attempting to. 

Women who are pitiful and who need rescuing are generally in that state because they like it. 

People change their socks and their drawers but adults almost never really change their character. 

If you enter a marriage with the idea that you will personally gain anything, you are already screwing up. 

Never even consider marrying anybody until you have seen how they handle a major problem. Having crap in common or having mutual attraction tells you nothing about someone. Crisis reveals character.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*That things were not going to be perfect! Far from it! But then again, I feel that I was just far too idealistic in my expectations!*


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
My list (in no particular order)


Peoples sexual appetites vary a LOT. Do no marry someone if you are significantly incompatible - it is setting yourselves up for long term unhappiness.

Do not let Hollywood fool you into thinking that good guys / good girls are always boring. 

Money matters to, and only to the extent that it allows you to have the lifestyle that you want. Be honest with yourself about what matters to you.

Don't waste your time with someone you don't trust. 

If one of you is unhappy, you will both be unhappy. You are not doing them a favor by staying in a relationship where you are miserable.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Pooh Bear said:


> This is fun. I don't think I was prepared for the amount of compromise you have to do. I was also did not realize that having a baby would be so hard on a marriage. Our son is 10 months and we are finally starting to recover. That might be short for some people.


That's one of the reasons we keep pushing off having kids.

They have not proven beneficial to the marriages of the majority of people we know.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

That honing your listening skills can really pay off. I've found that by really listening to my wife we enjoy a much better relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

skype said:


> *No matter how carefully you have chosen a partner, there will be power struggles, and they must be acknowledged and resolved.
> 
> You must want to be married more than you want to satisfy your longings for individual pleasures.*


These words are so very true...there will be power struggles.. where one wants more ______________ (time, affection, sex, etc)...and differences of wants/ needs / opinions (where to live, level of transparency/ openness, how to handle finances, saving...discipline, relations with in-laws, friends too close for comfort, Facebook!...etc)...

One relationship expert feels he can PREDICT if a couple will make it , or basically be discontented / miserable....on how they handle conflict..I don't feel he is far off in that..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

I can't say I've EVER wanted to run from my Husband, I have thoroughly enjoyed being married.. really it's been the greatest blessing of my life.. it's been everything I have dreamed it would be.. we are not well to do people with successful climbing careers living in the Suburbs by any means.. but the richness of a life ..the family we hoped for...this has brought us tremendous Joy over the years.. it has all went too fast, if anything......I guess it's more of the simple things... we have drank from this.. 

Our struggles have been on a smaller scale....buying a lemon Truck & kicking ourselves (did this last month)... buying a house we hated but felt we could sell for a profit so we worked our aZZes off for 2 yrs to improve the place so it would sell... having the neighbors from hell move in... FUN FUN.... 

His hopes for a better paying Job.. our struggle to conceive spanning over 6 yrs..... but in all of these things.. we supported each other.. he was holding my hand... I was helping him with the tool belt around my waist...gathering wood for our coal furnance, digging ditches side by side.. 

I've never felt lonely being married...my Husband has been amazing every step of the way.. if anything I have needed the BRICK to my head over the years.







... but never him...

He has taught me what Love is many times over..in how he treats me, the children... 

The sole thing I wish Other women would have talked to me about was.. making sure to have lots & lots of sex !!..break the bed getting creative while I'm at it...







..and don't put the babies in bed with you [email protected]#

Most men would just go after what they want... but mine is a little more passive natured.. it's one thing I just didn't "get" *to the degree HE WAS FEELING IT*.. until mid life hit me & those tables turned , myself having a taste of being the one in great need.. .but ya know.. it's one thing I will be sure to talk to our daughter about... to take care of her man ...because our hormonal differences ... a man's sexual prime being when he is younger.. and a woman's in her late 30's early 40's... it can cause some misunderstandings!! 

and also Love Languages..when someone who is high on physical touch married another where it's at the bottom , or any of these.. it can cause us to feel less loved, appreciated, wanted.. and we miss each other.. 

2 Great books every couple should read together , or at least before getting married.. and take to heart.. explore, understand each other....

 The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts  










His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage ... these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in the book....



> 1. *Admiration*
> 2. *Affection*
> 3. *Conversation*
> 4. *Domestic support*
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jaquen said:


> That's one of the reasons we keep pushing off having kids.
> 
> They have not proven beneficial to the marriages of the majority of people we know.


Then they are doing it wrong. Kids are a lot of work but extremely fulfilling and, at times, hilarious!&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

Marriage is a 3 ring circus.

Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

That men don't like drama.

Oh, yes, some of them do. And sometimes they cause themselves.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Then they are doing it wrong. Kids are a lot of work but extremely fulfilling and, at times, hilarious!��
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't offer any commentary on the fulfilling nature of parenthood. Few people would disagree, parent or not.

I'm talking specifically about the subject at hand; the potentially negative effect they can have on marriages. And that's pretty pervasive. Just because children are a blessing doesn't mean they aren't a complication, or that having them doesn't come with potential downsides.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

You need to communicate. if you aren't happy, don't ASSUME your spouse knows what's wrong. Share your feelings, fears, etc. Don't pretend that everything is ok then one day just walk away.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Then they are doing it wrong. Kids are a lot of work but extremely fulfilling and, at times, hilarious!&#55357;&#56833;
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And that is exactly the problem - they are doing it wrong. One (sometimes both) spouse puts far too much focus on the kids and neglects their spouse and the marriage, and that can destroy the marriage. Even in the best case, kids take a lot of time and attention, so the marriage will take that hit no matter what.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Married but Happy said:


> And that is exactly the problem - they are doing it wrong. One (sometimes both) spouse puts far too much focus on the kids and neglects their spouse and the marriage, and that can destroy the marriage. Even in the best case, kids take a lot of time and attention, so the marriage will take that hit no matter what.


We have a lot of kids, it doesn't have to take a big hit..if a couple is naturally the more family oriented type.. so long as one has a lock on their bedroom door, and some baby sitters for getting out alone now & then.. we didn't for the 1st 19 yrs.. a little stupidity there.. .. I can't say this hurt us much.. though putting the babies in bed was one of the dumbest things I ever did.. and he let me do it !

The 1st time I seen this picture on google, I had to laugh , this was us...(well not that many kids at a time, but sometimes they crashed on the bedroom floor ).. 








..minus the chicken & no need for the umbrella, of course.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you want a pretty good idea of what your life will look like in the future, take a look at your in-laws. Your fiance' learned how to be a husband or wife by watching their parents. You learned about adult relationships by watching your's. If you are a man and your future father in law gets treated like garbage, you need to reconsider. If you are a woman and your future mother in law gets abused and treated with disrespect, you should reconsider.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Don't mean to be so morose:
They say "till death do us part" but I never caught that part until 23 years in. One day I will die or my wife will die and we will leave each other alone. Something we built together for a lifetime will one day end. The day I see my wife die or she sees me die will be the day I finally see the depth of love we had for each other.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think the biggest one for me was (and I don't know if this is true for everyone): at some point, you may have a fight so bad that you really think "it's over" -- you're going to leave her, she's going to leave you, everything is ruined. And that then, even after this fight when all seems lost, it is possible to make up and realize that you don't actually want your marriage to end, and neither does she.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Relatedly, don't panic just because your spouse is angry at you. It's natural that spouses may feel angry at each other sometimes, you will work it out, it will pass.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> And that is exactly the problem - they are doing it wrong. One (sometimes both) spouse puts far too much focus on the kids and neglects their spouse and the marriage, and that can destroy the marriage. Even in the best case, kids take a lot of time and attention, so the marriage will take that hit no matter what.


Yet sadly I've seen parents who verbalize that they continue to put their marriage first, even with kids, attacked and called bad parents.

I never understood the concept of putting kids first. It seems logical to me that if the parents' relationship, from whence the kids came, is kept alive and healthy, it's ultimately good for the entire family, kids included.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

jaquen said:


> Yet sadly I've seen parents who verbalize that they continue to put their marriage first, even with kids, attacked and called bad parents.
> 
> I never understood the concept of putting kids first. It seems logical to me that if the parents' relationship, from whence the kids came, is kept alive and healthy, it's ultimately good for the entire family, kids included.


I agree. Kids learn really bad habits if they are #1. They figure out quickly that the world revolves around them, when it in reality it doesn't.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just because someone wants to get married is no indication they want to be a spouse. Dogs chase cars but you never see one driving.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> One relationship expert feels he can PREDICT if a couple will make it , or basically be discontented / miserable....on how they handle conflict..I don't feel he is far off in that..
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

that "giving in" to going to marriage counseling is not failure. In fact it's a step in the opposite direction of failure. I waited way too long for that because I didn't want to be a couple that "needed" counseling because of the stigma. No one told me that taking that step is a positive thing, not a negative thing.

If you get married in your 20s, especially your early 20s (or late teens) you WILL become different people by the conclusion of that decade. It's not always a bad thing, but be prepared for that. You may have to relearn each other, but don't be scared of the change. It's inevitable.

Your first year of marriage is not a strong indicator of the entirety of your marriage. Stereotypically people say the first year of your marriage is the toughest. But it will not always be so. On the flip side, and was the case in my marriage, just because the first year or so of your married is easy and wonderful, does not mean that you are immune to any future troubles.

If you get into the habit of putting things off for a day, then you will slowly get more and more comfortable and pretty soon you are putting off major issues for months or even years. It will just continue to snowball, so get in the habit of addressing things right away so that you can prevent as much turmoil in your marriage as possible.


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## KingofIstatements (Jul 30, 2011)

I understand that this isn't every man's experience in marriage, but I wish I'd been aware enough to anticipate the bitter irony I face daily: 

That as soon as I was 'established', married and with family- the same attributes I'd always believed in and strived towards (hardworking, dependable, considerate, a thoroughly involved father who does everything he can to help around the house to try to make her life easier) suddenly seemed to make me very attractive to every other woman on the planet, young and old. Excepting my wife, of course. 

I suppose having a keener awareness of what motivated her sexually in past relationships and ONSs would've been a great idea. Telling me early on that she'd always previously been with men who weren't very good to her should've been my clue to leave strips of goodyear outside her house in a hasty departure.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your wife looks pissed and you ask her what's wrong and she says "nothing", it's never "nothing". If she looks pissed but says she's "fine", she's never "fine". 

What she's upset about is rarely ever what she's actually complaining about. 

If she asks you if she looks fat, the answer is always "certainly not!". Doesn't matter if she's as wide as a house. If she asks if you think another woman is pretty, the correct answer is, "what woman? I didn't notice." If she asks if you would remarry if she died, the answer is, "ever! No woman could ever take your place. I would remain single for the rest of my days, visit your grave daily, write sad poetry in your honor, and pray for Death to snatch me at the earliest convenience so we could be together again."


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

That you can't fix problems in a marriage unless BOTH spouses put in the effort.

And that people don't change so if there's something about your partner that really annoys you, plan on living with it the rest of your life no matter what.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lionelhutz said:


> I forgot this but it is probably the single most important.* I'm not sure if you are refering to the expert referenced in the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell but there is a psychologist who has an extremely high success rate in predicting a couples long term success by carefully monitoring how they communicate.* Not what they are saying or the topic but how they talk about just about anything. Even body language alone can be predictive. When one spouse habitially belittles or disregards the views of the other, even if delivered playfully or mixed with affection, the relationship is very unlikely to succeed.
> 
> 
> In short, the way you talk to your spouse is far more important than the information. When stressed, annoyed or impatient, never assume you have the right to "dump" those emotions on your spouse. Don't casually disregard the views of your spouse.


Never heard of "Blink"....I was referring to author John Gottman & his speaking of conflict styles... 

How to understand conflict styles and make them work for you

Also these >>"The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling"..



> *** *Criticism*- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please!
> 
> *** *Contempt*... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt
> 
> ...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If your wife looks pissed and you ask her what's wrong and she says "nothing", it's never "nothing". If she looks pissed but says she's "fine", she's never "fine".
> 
> What she's upset about is rarely ever what she's actually complaining about.


So often this is so true. But I hope men learn this LONG before marriage. Become a master at reading non-verbal cues and don't stop until you've uncovered the truth.



unbelievable said:


> If she asks you if she looks fat, the answer is always "certainly not!". Doesn't matter if she's as wide as a house. If she asks if you think another woman is pretty, the correct answer is, "what woman? I didn't notice."


Ha! :rofl:

But nah, not my experience. My wife knows not to ask if she doesn't want an honest answer. So whens he does, and I give her one, it means that's what she wanted. Works out well.



unbelievable said:


> If she asks if you would remarry if she died, the answer is, "ever! No woman could ever take your place. I would remain single for the rest of my days, visit your grave daily, write sad poetry in your honor, and pray for Death to snatch me at the earliest convenience so we could be together again."


That part rings true to me though. My wife thinks I'd remarry, but I really can't imagine it. I can't even think about it without getting upset.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If your wife looks pissed and you ask her what's wrong and she says "nothing", it's never "nothing". If she looks pissed but says she's "fine", she's never "fine".
> 
> What she's upset about is rarely ever what she's actually complaining about.


If she does this, she needs to learn to communicate clearly and lovingly. MC is a good start to address the problem, but if that doesn't work, such passive aggressive behavior is a red flag for the health and survival of the marriage.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

That teenage masturbation is just practice for married life.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think what I learned was that no matter how hard one spouse tries the other can destroy a marriage from within. This is very difficult to reconcile because once you see this happen you literally have no way to pick someone for the future and assume they will follow through. at best what you do is hope the other side lives up to thier commitments and vows but little certainty that they will or wont.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

HeartbrokenW said:


> You need to communicate. if you aren't happy, don't ASSUME your spouse knows what's wrong. Share your feelings, fears, etc. Don't pretend that everything is ok then one day just walk away.


No one told me that just because you can and do communicate that it will do anything to save the marriage. That if the other party doesn't want to talk about why you aren't happy, then the marriage will die despite all of your best efforts to keep it alive. That some people WANT and NEED to pretend everything is ok and want their partner to just be ok with a loveless, sexless, empty marriage because, for whatever reason, it's preferable to actually working on the relationship.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> If your wife looks pissed and you ask her what's wrong and she says "nothing", it's never "nothing". If she looks pissed but says she's "fine", she's never "fine".
> 
> What she's upset about is rarely ever what she's actually complaining about.


If your husband looks pissed and you ask him what's wrong and he doesn't want to talk about it, don't expect anything to get resolved. 

That the person who doesn't open up is the one who kills the marriage, not the one asking for their needs to be met.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Always be sure that your spouse knows that no matter how much they have screwed up, they can tell you. Otherwise when they do screw up, they will keep it secret. 

Much better to know and forgive than not to know .


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

thenub said:


> That teenage masturbation is just practice for married life.


That is so painfully and sadly true except it feels so much worse since it is laced with feelings of rejection or inadequacy.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*People change.*

Not on purpose necessarily but they do and sometimes it isn't about you and there is nothing you can do about it or predict it before you get married. It just happens.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

That this joke isn't completely true, but it is close ....

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"

The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

SurpriseMyself said:


> That the person who doesn't open up is the one who kills the marriage, not the one asking for their needs to be met.


QFT!!


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

The longest sentence in the English language???
I do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That anything that annoys you about them before you marry will annoy you 100 times more after you are married. 

That once you marry them, that wonderful person will turn into their parent.. probably their same sex parent. So watch their parent's marriage very closely. That's what your spouse is going to try to turn your marriage into.

Also... the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" should be required reading before marriage. Couples should work through them before marriage so that they start out with the realization that this is what marriage is about... meeting each other's needs.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

I thought my post above was pretty profound and would garner more likes. I brought my "A" game, I kept refreshing the page and still nothing.


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