# My Husband is my best friend



## bluebeauty

I'm concerned because my husband and I are not lovers, but best friends. We enjoy each other's company, but I have grown to want more out of life and I'm sure he has too. 

My family has been supportive until today when my mother told me if I didn't love him as a husband we should have never gotten married.

I did and still do love him. We were married a little over 2 years ago, I'm 27 he is 29. We got engaged about 3.5 years ago. We had fun together...he made me feel safe....he's attractive, and all those things were important to me. We were never really "passionate." It didn't seem to bother either of us. Now, I'm looking to have a deeper relationship, etc, and I know he wants that too. There's deeper problems as I feel he took me for granted for the last 2 years and wouldn't really talk to me (resentment). I'm sure he's frustrated because he wants more. He's trying now, but only after I told him I was leaving him.

I have a longer thread explaining everything, but to be blunt, how can I bring back the passion, if there wasn't really any to begin with? I feel like my life is on hold now. I don't want to lose him because he's my best friend, but I'm not sure I can continue like this. Any thoughts?


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## TheMizz...erable

First, talk with him. And then perhaps seek marriage counseling. Being best friends seems to be a good foundation for a happy marriage. Build on it.


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## bluebeauty

Thanks Mizzerable...We have talked lately. It's so hard because I feel like I emotionally checked out of the marriage. He's said so many things that have hurt me. We would argue and he would just stare blankly at me. We were best friends when we married, I guess I thought it would change, or was so caught up in all the planning fun, but that's all it's been, we aren't physical at all, other than hugs and the occassional smooch.  It's not because he doesn't want to be, it's because I don't. I feel as though he neglected me, I would beg him to talk to me/work things out with me. I could feel myself slipping away.  

I feel like I lost myself because we always did the things he loved (even though I grew to like some of them). I use to be such a happy person. I started going to therapy to try to get back to myself. My therapist suggested doing the things I love again. I have been, but I hate that he won't share in that with me. Example - I love camping, we even registered for camping equipment when we married. He told me just this summer that he hates it and is not going. I love country music, he makes fun of it. 

I just feel like it's been bad for SO long. He doesn't come to things on my side of the family other than Christmas and Thanksgiving. A few months ago, I decided that i was done with this marriage. I told him I didn't think I was "in love" with him anymore, even though I love and care for him deeply! Two weekends ago I left him for the day. I couldn't take it anymore. A few days after that, it seemed like he did a 180 and is trying to talk to me more...but after 2.5 years of treating me like a buddy? It's all just gotten to me. I want to have/share a life with someone who will entertain the idea of liking the same things as me (or atleast trying). I want to be with someone I have passion for, and not just love. Like I said, I recently tried to go do the things I use to love, but it's hard, feeling married but alone


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## rfAlaska

I concur that once the resentment "bell" starts ringing, it's pretty hard to "unring" it. You have emotionally detached from the marriage and trying to reengage on your own is remarkably difficult. 

You are in a situation where it would appear that you have a pretty good measure of control. You have a job, you're young, you haven't been married long, you haven't done any cheating so your clean in that regard and there are no children involved. If you walk away, logistically it's pretty much a financial transaction, emotionally there will always be baggage.

Having said that, my personal opinion (from reading your posts) is that you haven't exhausted all reasonable possibilities yet. He is your self-proclaimed best friend so that implies that when you do spend time together, you still enjoy his company. That's a good thing, it seems that many people who post here can't say that. Like Mizz said, I think you can build off of your friendship.

On some level you need to throw your cards on the table and be willing to be brutally honest WITH him. Further, you need to demand brutal honesty FROM him. In addition you need to be prepared for his response whether or not it's what you want to hear. In other words, if he says it's over, you need to be willing to accept that and be ready to move on. I think you need to put it to him and say something along the lines of:

"You are my best friend and when I married you it was for life but this is where I am at in our relationship ..... (explain how you FEEL)"

"This is what I need from our relationship ...... (explain what you NEED relative to what is missing)." Be completely honest. Assuming you're willing to accept whatever the consequences of the conversation are, you have NOTHING to lose. Tell him you want to go camping, tell him you want him along when you visit your family. Tell him he's your best friend and you want to spend time with him doing things you both like to do. Sometimes you just really need to whack a guy over the head with a 2 x 4 - some of us aren't all that intuitive.

Finally, "I need to know what you need from me. What can I do to make your life with me better?" Don't let him back away from this and LISTEN and don't get defensive.

You may have to have the conversation a couple of times. It shouldn't be heated or an argument - it's a conversation, it's not intentionally antagonistic. If he gets defensive, ask him not to be and further just ask him to hear you out. When you hit question three, it will likely diffuse his defensiveness. No matter what the response is, you'll learn a lot.

If he won't engage, that might tell you all you need to know. If he does engage and tells you things you don't want to hear, that also tells you something. Finally, the conversation may open up lines of communication that you didn't really know existed and could open the door to a relationship that exceeds your expectations. He needs to help you unring the detachment bell but it's incumbent upon you to let him know how loudly it's ringing (again, think 2 x 4, he's a guy).

My back story is that I am in a marriage where I was afraid to talk about how I felt for fear of the significant repercussions. Fifteen years later, I am just now realizing the depth of that mistake. Don't hang on and wake up in 15 years in a relationship that isn't most of what you'd like it to be.

You probably earnestly believe that you've already had that conversation. Have it again when you're positive it isn't in the midst of another conflict. The bottom line is that you have nothing to lose.

I hope that was kind enough.


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## bluebeauty

Thanks rfAlaska. That was very kind. I appreciate any help I can get. This is so frustrating, feeling like something has been so bad since it's started, like I'm working backwards. He is my best friend, and we do like spending time together.

The past few months though, I'd rather spend time with him at home. It seems like anytime we go somewhere we end up arguing. I always feel anxious because I know a fight is probably coming, and then we are in the car together. I hate not being able to step away from it if needed.

I know friendship is a good foundation to build off of, but even when things were what I considered really good, they aren't what I want now, I guess that's why it's important to talk through those 3 questions.

I want a more passionate/"adult" relationship, I wish I would have thought things through more, but at the time, it seemed like he was perfect for me..who doesn't want to marry their best friend? I'm so afraid to lose him (he's already told me if we divorce he wont ever see/speak to me again), but I long for something more. 


P.S. Thank you both for responding. It's so hard to post everything out there in the open, and wait for responses.


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## bluebeauty

Also, I have told him what I want, but truth is, I don't know if I want it with him. I've also asked what he wants/would make him happy..he says "I want you to be happy." I feel like that's such a cop out


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## Dedicated2Her

Blue,

Anytime resentment starts to build, it will make you rewrite history a little in your mind. Where there probably was passion, you can't see it anymore. I'm not saying for sure that this is what has happened to you, but it is very prevalent. Marriage is hard. It is about working through things together. Trust me in that if you both can start to meet each other's emotional needs, you would most certainly find some passion. That being said, the more you can communicate the better. My wife held things in and you would see a sign here or there. She wrote me a letter one time asking me to help her more with the kids and around the house. This was her way of telling me there was an issue with our marriage. Not good. 

By your husband's answers, I can tell he needs some work. (as we all do) He really needs older men in his life to help direct him and help him focus. On of the key things rfAlaska said, "You have emotionally detached from the marriage and trying to reengage on your own is remarkably difficult." Fact is, you cannot do this alone. My wife had been trying for 3 years alone. Only until he understands what he needs, how he needs it, what he desires to be and how to become it, will you guys be able to reattach. Fact is, he needs to detach right now. Work on himself. Become a man who can lead you and give you security in his love and affection. Then, as you support him through this and grow yourself, you can come out the other side having a relationship beyond what you could have imagined or desired for yourselves.

Life is hard, learning is hard. It's the people who stick beside us through thick and thin that we sit with on the porch at 70 years old on rocking chairs. Resentment kills passion. Growing together and working hard by both of you putting the other first restores deep love. It's not a quick fix, but it is a rewarding journey that will have a profound effect on everything you do from this point forward.


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## bluebeauty

Dedicated, 

Thank you for your response. I know it seems like resentment can make you forget passion. To be honest, in the last 2 years, we had sex 3 times. That's it. 

When we first got together we always made out, fooled around, etc, all the time. Then we moved in together, things slowed down, then they were non existant. It's so sad, I'm lonely but have no desire to be physical with him. He hurt me so bad over the years, always sweeping things under the rug.

I just don't know what I'm trying to get back to...I've been working on myself, but to be honest, I don't even think my husband likes the old me. I use to be very outdoorsy, he's not. I'm a country girl at heart, he's a city boy. 

I find that his parents aren't affectionate to each other (from what I've seen), they always do things seperately.

Is it possible that this relationship ran it's course for me, but I was afraid to lose my best friend?


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## rfAlaska

You need a better answer than, "I want you to be happy." That's not good enough. Ask that question first and don't back down. Seriously, neither one of you have anything to lose by being brutally honest. The picture you paint of your relationship is not pretty and if you lose it completely due to honesty, from my perspective there is a measure of nobility in that.

You have to be miserable and I'm sorry about that, I really am. Being where you are is so lonely and conflicted - can you sleep?

Dedicated is right, you can't fix this on your own. If he's not willing to work to fix it, you have a big decision to make.

Keep reading and take care of yourself.


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## bluebeauty

Alaska - appreciate you weighing in again. I'm not sleeping very much, loss of appetite, everything is just weighing too heavy on my mind.

It's weird because I think we are both really great people, but maybe not good for each other. Feeling as though I gave up everything I loved and put my life on hold kills me.

At this point, leaving seems so hard/sad...this IS my life now, not that I don't think I would still have a life, but what kind of life? Atleast I know what I have here.


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## Dedicated2Her

Blue, you are not trying to get "back" anywhere. You want to become a new you. A you that you are happy with. A you that you enjoy. 3 times in 2 years says a ton. You both have resentment. It is a cycle that you are doing to each other because of your personal baggage. The problem is, though, that you are here trying to learn and not him. He needs to "take the bull by the horns" and be proactive. Unfortunately, he may need something drastic to get him to that point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty

Also, he seems willing to work, but I'm not being so willing. About a year ago it was really bad, and well he started making changes and was okay for about 2 weeks, then went right back to how he was before. He was frustrated and said "I tried talking to you more!!"

Does it make me a bad person that i don't feel as willing to let go of everything?  I feel so guilty because he says he loves me so much.


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## Dedicated2Her

He just doesn't get it. I did the same things. Good for a couple of weeks, then tank because I really saw nothing change from her. He has to want to change for himself, not for you. This way, he isn't looking for your approval of his changes. He finds approval in himself. Tough deal for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty

Did you change for yourself? Did your wife respond? I feel like all I've been doing is researching online, checking out books, talking to my therapist.

Which, I don't know how much she's helping, but it's nice for someone to listen (and provide plenty of tissues). 

I know the lack of intimacy says alot...I can't really talk to couples I know, because I feel embarrassed, even more so that this all is "my choice." 

I feel like it's all on me because he's "trying" and I just don't feel any different. I wish he would have tried to turn this around 2 years ago, but wishes are just that...wishes


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## rfAlaska

Dedicated has a great point about it taking both of you to work together to make it go. You can't reignite the passion in your relationship on your own .... you need to work together to make it work for both of you. It involves a little more than two weeks of trying to talk to you more often. 

Also, keep in mind that saying he loves you (words) is really easy. How is he showing (actions) that he loves you? My guess is that therein lies the problem. 

I'm not sure what to tell you about what happens if he tries and you don't. The real question is along the lines of, "Is there anything that he could do to make you want to try?" If you choose to work on this, I believe you need to be wielding some 2 x 4's because he may not get it unless you're swinging them. 

Having said that, I get the sense that there really isn't anything he can do because you're already gone. It might be time for you to simply face that reality? (OK, maybe that's not so kind - sorry ) I'm not saying by any means that facing it is easy, you have a lot invested in the relationship and just about everything in your life will change if you walk away. Facing that reality is gut wrenching and difficult but then again, so is merely spinning your wheels.

I think it's time to throw your cards on the table my friend - you need more information that only he can provide to figure out where you are at.


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## bluebeauty

Thank you all for your advice. It drives me crazy that here I am thinking of leaving my husband, who doesn't abuse me, gamble our money away or anything like that.

So many people are alone out there and would kill to be in my shoes. 

He use to show me he loved me all the time, I just think it's become harder, and the things I want are different. I feel like I try to show him, if not in passionate ways. Make him breakfast in bed, pick up his favorite food, go out with his friends, tell him how awesome his car is (he loves cars), listen to him vent about work, pick up manly movies for us to watch...

I just feel like I'm forcing things 

Leaving does seem gut wrenching.


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## lht285

The comment that he will be happy if you are happy is a common response. I have said the same thing to my wife. I am genuinely happy when she is happy. I am still trying to get the answers out of her as to what will make her happy. We have been married 20 years. As they said in the movie Risky Business sometimes you just have to say WTF! I think you really need to lay out what will make you happy in the relationship. If you want him to have sex with you every night then tell him. If you want to be tied up then tell him, if you like certain parts of your body being touched tell him. If you really don't know what you want in the relationship then there is a problem you need to figure out. But you need to communicate with him. If you have some very naughty fantasies and are afraid to communicate them, figure you might as well because the marriage as you know it is over anyway. You might freak him out but you might actually find out that by telling him these things that he might just tell you what he wants too. 

It makes a tremendous amount of difference in your intimacy if you just ask him to lay down and hold you. Have him hold you for at least 10 minutes. If you want a massage ask for it, give him a massage back. You have to build up intimacy again. Sometimes making out can be fun, keep kissing and kiss a lot! 

Romance and Marriage are not like in the movies, it is FRICKING HARD.


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## bluebeauty

thanks lht, the problem is, I don't want to be intimate with him. Something about it just doesn't feel "right." It makes me feel like something is wrong with me... 

When we first moved in together, and we would fight, he would buy me things to make up for it. I swear I was like a kid because this quickly appeased me (My family and I were not well off). That quickly faded. I want comfort, I want to feel the love that i felt for him so long ago. I want someone that can enjoy things that I love with me. I want to be with someone I don't resent and feel like is holding me back. (Ok, so that's harsh, but is it too much to ask? )

I agree about the holding part...thats about all we have left, and it's precious to me, but not enough.


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## lht285

Ok so what do you want from him? Do you want him to be a man? I think he went about it the wrong way from the beginning by buying you things to appease you. I am going to be harsh here and say that you do not deserve him if you are not willing to figure out how to get back to intimacy. If you want to get the feeling back then you need to figure out what you need, and tell him.


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## bluebeauty

Thanks for the honest feedback. I wanted him to talk to me, and work things out with me. I told him a year and a half ago I was falling out of love with him and he just ignored it. I stayed hoping it would get better, that maybe he would talk to me if I gave him time. I tried begging him to talk to me, I cried, I yelled, I tried not talking, sitting down like an adult. Nothing worked. I finally left 2 weeks ago, just for the day. He was so angry with me, but I felt like I couldn't breath. He's now trying to talk to me, like he did a year and a half ago. 2 weeks into it, he gets mad and gives up.

You're probably right about me not deserving him. I can't seem to give him a clear answer of what I need anymore. All i ever wanted was for him to talk to me. When I was finally defeated and couldn't take anymore, NOW he's trying to talk to me. It partially feels like he's just doing it because he knew I was done...It makes me even more confused.

idk..


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## lht285

Bluebeauty it takes 2, and you gave him a wake up call by leaving. He realized that he had majorly messed up. Life tends to be a series of habitual things, you need to break some of your negative habits, and by your I mean BOTH of you. You want to see a change in him that is permanent, and he wants his best friend and wife back. I think you both need counseling if you want to continue. If you feel that it is permanently broken then it may not be able to be fixed, but I think you are asking people on the board for help because you want to fix it. It will take both of you. You both sound like good people. I think you guys can find some common ground. With his traveling job and with your desire for different hobbies, I think you both need to make sure that you take time and come up with something you both enjoy together. My wife and I love going out with friends, but we have separate hobbies as well. After 20 years of marriage for us it is almost impossible to find the lust (she for medical reasons) but we still have so many other things that make our marriage something I want to continue. We are working on getting the lust back, just like you.


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## bluebeauty

I wasn't trying to bastardize him  I know it takes both of us. I guess it's hard because I tried so long on my own. I feel completely defeated. I wish that we would have waited to get married and talked more about the things that were important to us. I don't want being together to feel like an obligation rather than a desire, but I'm scared to be without him. I know I would miss him. At the same time, I'm missing out of vacations (i won't go because we can't get along), spending time with my family (because he doesnt want to go, and I feel bad) and children. 

I feel lost, I want to see if there are ways to fix it, but at the same time, want to know it's okay if it can't be fixed :'(


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## lht285

You said he is your best friend, if you are willing to lose your best friend then yes it is ok. 

You have tried a lot on your own and he did not reciprocate. It is easy to feel defeated, I feel the same way myself. 

You both need to ask yourselves together what you really want. He is feeling the pain too. If you feel like you can work it out, I would try to work it out. If you really feel like the ship has sailed and you just can't come to grips and can deal with the fact that you really won't be talking to him ever again, then you know what you need to do there. We can't make decisions for you.


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## rfAlaska

lht285 said:


> You said he is your best friend, if you are willing to lose your best friend then yes it is ok.


That is a great comment. I am on marriage number 2 and the one thing that marriage number 1 had going for it was that she was my best friend. There were scads of other problems so I chose to walk away. 20 years later, I still have yet to replace her. I don't regret ending the marriage but I do miss having a best friend.



lht285 said:


> If you really feel like the ship has sailed and you just can't come to grips and can deal with the fact that you really won't be talking to him ever again, then you know what you need to do there. We can't make decisions for you.


I agree completely with that one. Blue, you either have to choose to commit, forgive and pour your heart into it, or choose to walk. Huge decision - neither road is easy.

BTW, I am a hopeless romantic and I do believe that two people can be ridiculously happy together. I further believe that it's hard work but I think if both people are willing to engage in similar effort toward a common goal, it's possible and perhaps the most significant and satisfying thing you will ever be a part of. Whatever happens, I hope you find that.


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## Dedicated2Her

I originally changed for her, but somewhere 1-2 months in it all became about me. I spent 8 months in ic and have two amazing mentors that have forced me to look inside myself. I am SO happy now. It has been 11 months. My wife and I haven't crossed the physical threshold yet, but the closeness and functionality of our relationship is blossoming. Everyday we grow closer. But, it is a direct reflection of our healing as individuals.
Just know that if your husband can't go into this and put everything into it, have a strong accountability group, you will be better served walking away. It is his job to lead this. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty

Friends, we had a good weekend together, but sadly, I don't think the passion that never was, ever will be. It hurts so bad because I believe I want to feel those things for him, and just can't.. IDK WHY!!!!

He is not travelling this week for work, he just told me today that I have until Friday to make a decision to divorce or not, if I don't decide then we are on a "break." 

I don't even know if we can make progress, let alone in a week.


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## Dedicated2Her

[QUOTEFriends, we had a good weekend together, but sadly, I don't think the passion that never was, ever will be. It hurts so bad because I believe I want to feel those things for him, and just can't.. IDK WHY!!!!

He is not travelling this week for work, he just told me today that I have until Friday to make a decision to divorce or not, if I don't decide then we are on a "break." 

I don't even know if we can make progress, let alone in a week.[/QUOTE]

Ok. Sounds like he has boundries, which is a good thing. Honestly, there is a serious breakdown within each one of you. These things must be made whole before you can see progress. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen in a week. Your relationship health is a direct reflection of your health as individuals. Lot's of damage on both sides. This would be a long process even if both of you jumped in head first and worked your butt's off in individual therapy.


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## bluebeauty

thanks Dedicated, it's nice to have an ear (eyes) to listen. I know it's good to have boundaries, but a week? sighs...guess I have a lot of soul searching to do. I know marriage is hard, but I hate it's been this difficult since the beginning, and i'm 2 years in!!!

I hate throwing in the towel because then that means we failed. I know only I can decide what I want.

I asked him the questions that alaska had suggested...I asked him "what do you want out of a marriage?" his response was "this isn't about what I want, it's about what you want." 

Ugh, it's so frustrating...I asked again and he eventually listed some things very specific to me (which is still not answering the question). I feel like it's all on me, which is alot of pressure. 

I have so many fears of both staying and leaving...with relationships, I've been in both the "dumped" and "dumpee" shoes...it hurts, but I'd rather it not be my choice.


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## Dedicated2Her

> I hate throwing in the towel because then that means we failed. I know only I can decide what I want.


It doesn't mean you failed. It means you have a partner who is not emotionally available and is passive.



> I asked him the questions that alaska had suggested...I asked him "what do you want out of a marriage?" his response was "this isn't about what I want, it's about what you want."


It's totally about what you BOTH want. Line those up and work towards them together. This response is passive bs.



> Ugh, it's so frustrating...I asked again and he eventually listed some things very specific to me (which is still not answering the question). I feel like it's all on me, which is alot of pressure.


Pressure on a woman like that is a curse. It will emotionally drain you and break you down to a very weak state. I've seen it happen to my wife. She still struggles with small stresses, and I have been leading and carrying much of the load the past year. She has begun to to engage in more stuff and work, but it is slow as she gets more comfortable with us and with life.

DO NOT ALLOW THIS MAN TO BRING YOU TO THAT.


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## bluebeauty

I kind of feel like I'm already there. All I've done is cry ALL DAY! We actually talked, but I don't know, I feel like garbage. Like something is wrong with me because I don't feel a physical urge towards him.

I told him all I ever wanted was for him to talk to me. I tried to tell him so many times that I was drifting away, and he couldn't be bothered. Now he's talking to me, but there's SO much damage done. 

I find myself not wanting to go anywhere, I haven't really talked to my best friend in a few days. I just feel kinda empty. It really sucks. 

I asked him again what he wants, and he's like "you know what I want"....im like..."the physical"...he's like "Yeah"....

I mean, it makes sense. it's so hard because I don't want to lose him and regret it forever, but at the same time, I don't want to force myself  Ugh, this is a VERY lonely life..

He said maybe I should go stay at my parents...shoot...me...now  kidding...but then it makes it even more real.


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## SweetPea1

Hello there,
I am in a very similar situation to you but more advanced. I met my husband 10 years ago and from the minute that we met we knew that we were best friends. We both knew that we had the foundationt to build a healthy marriage and so that is what we did. We thought that we could turn what was a perfect friendship into a marriage. Now 10 years later, there is little to no passion in our marriage and we have sex infrequently.
We love each other and dont want to live without each other, but we have been able to at least talk about what is missing in our lives. In this life we were meant to be best friends, but due to the fact that we didnt understand that we forced our perfect friendship into a marriage. The capcity that our relationship is was wrong from the beginning and 10 years later we are just now figuring this out. My husband is the best man that I know and I want him to be happy. This week we have decided to start to look at our life and figure out how to start the seperation process. I am horribly sad but at the same time excited as I remember that chemistry that you can feel with people who you ARE supposed to have romantic relationships with. Strangely I am very excited for my husband too as I have seen the passionless relationship that we have has saddened him.
My advice to you would be to realized that you are young, that your husband is your best friend and in this life he is not meant to be your husband. It may be hard to explain to him but you are trying to force a relationship that you have with him into the wrong capacity (marriage). I hope that this helps as it has taken a long time to figure this out and luckily my husband and I came to the conclusion together. We have no children and will be starting life over again with the understanding that we will continue to be the best of friends but pursue the things that we are missing out of our marriage.
Many people would say to try to build off of the best friend portion of your relationship, but passion doesnt bubble up after years of nothing. Read your gut, and how the situation feels to you. Never underestimate what your senses are telling you and follow your heart. There is a difference between life partners and soul mates. If I am reading your situation correclty, you are like me and married your life partner. Your soul mate is still waiting to meet you.


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## the-songbird

Blue, I am in the literal exact same situation. Literal. Except my husband and I have been married less than a year. I feel like there has never been intense passion between us, ever, and we have sex so infrequently it's insane. And it's my fault it's like that. No matter what I do I can't seem to be turned on by him. The longer we're together, the more things come out of the woodworks that we are in disagreement on. Everything - big things and little things. I dunno. We're going to counseling this week. Tomorrow actually, to see if there is something that can be fixed. I just really don't feel right. I've been terribly unhappy for about six months now, and have been feeling trapped. I relate, I relate, I relate. And I feel so damn terrible about it, because I do love him, but it's not...like a husband. It is like a very good friend that I want to see so, so happy, and if there is someone out there that could make both of us so happy when we're not doing that for each other in the first year of marriage even...then it isn't fair to hold on and try to force something that just isn't there. And it's painful. And I understand, it makes you feel stupid and like a failure, and like a statistic...but it is also heartbreaking and I think wanting him to be happy is a sign of truly loving someone deeply in your heart, even if you really aren't compatible romantically.


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## Lovely313

I just came across this post, and it sort of freaks me out that it is so similar to my situation (I posted my first post yesterday). Bluebeauty, I knew that there were people "out there" experiencing the same sort of situation I was, but I had no idea I would find someone on here! Thanks to everyone who has replied, I am really looking forward to going home after work and reading the advice. I am also young, married with so many things missing but it seems silly to leave- even though I think about it all the time.


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## bluebeauty

I'm really glad I posted this. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one out there dealing with this. 

Sweetpea - I teared up a little when I read your post. It really hit home for me. I know I could make a good life with my H, but ohhh how I long for those feelings again. 

I moved out temporarily and I find that I'm very lonely. I'm trying to separate being lonely for someone vs. being lonely for my H.

Keep the posts coming. I will help anyone in anyway I can


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## Lovely313

Blue...where are you located? What State? I sometimes wish I had a friend whom I could relate to...so I am just curious!


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## miss smiley

bluebeauty said:


> I'm really glad I posted this. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one out there dealing with this.
> 
> Sweetpea - I teared up a little when I read your post. It really hit home for me. I know I could make a good life with my H, but ohhh how I long for those feelings again.
> 
> I moved out temporarily and I find that I'm very lonely. I'm trying to separate being lonely for someone vs. being lonely for my H.
> 
> Keep the posts coming. I will help anyone in anyway I can


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miss smiley

Thank you so much for this post! I feel exactly how you feel. I've been married 14 yrs now though, and have the same feelings over and over. That my husband and I are truly just friends. It seems to only be me feeling this way and it's all up to me to make this marriage work. I've tried for sooo long. I just can't seem to make my heart feel what my head says I should. I'm thankful to know others feel similar, but what to do? I think it's over for me. The idea of forcing/faking a loving marriage brings tears to my eyes instantly. I don't think I can do it anymore. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the-songbird

miss smiley said:


> The idea of forcing/faking a loving marriage brings tears to my eyes instantly. I don't think I can do it anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I already feel this way and I am barely a year in. I don't want to be taking away an opportunity for a passionate relationship away from either of us...


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## uphillbattle

Ok, I may be way off base here but this is what I see. At one point in your R you loved this man a lot but no passion? Was he ever a passionate person with you i.e. was he an agressive lover? You mentioned he used to buy you things after you guys fought and he would quickly appeased you, was he trying to be anti-confrontational? Can you look back on it and see what came first, his detachment or your lack of wanting to be intimate? When he made this effort for 2 weeks did you aknowledge it and show you supported it? After he stopped trying did he begin to act a bit resentful or with a harsher tone in any way?
I am just gonna take a stab at this but the awnser to the first question is yes, second is no, third is yes, fourth is most likely going to be hard to determine but I would bet the intimatcy went first, fith is probably verry little, sixth is yes.
I ask these things because it is in many ways it is a bit like my marriage. You guys are best friends which you dont want to lose because even Forest Gump knows thats not something you find everyday. You stopped being attracted to him most likely because he just wasnt able to give you that "spark" you where looking for, which is most likely due to him being the "nice guy" which will almost never give a woman that animalistic desire to just f!ck. No intimacy leeds to resentment on his part which leads to detachment. This leads to resentment on your part. Which leads to a detachment on your part. You get sick of it and lay down the law and he tries to change for you, but you have built up so much resentment that its too little too late for you so he sees no point and gives up on the change and gets pissed for the effort he puts in because he feels he is the only one making an attempt at this. This is a nasty downward spiral that is soooooo hard to stop.
It is not necessarily something that can't be fixed, but it takes quite a bit of hard work on both sides at the same time. I love my wife more than I can express. She is by far the best friend I have ever had. We have verry little in common, but the only things we need to have in common are we love eachother, we can laugh together and we always attempt to keep comunication open to the best of our abilities.
Try to get him to read this thread. Then attempt to get him to go read and hopefully put how he feels into words into the mens clubhouse on these forums. If at ever he turned you on then he can make it happen agian, which is what is missing. He needs to do this for himself, for you and for your marriage. He needs to see that you are making an effort and appreciate the effort he is making. 
I am sorry about kinda rambling on a bit but being best friends in a marriage is a verry important thing and something that is hard to give up on. If he won't do counciling try to get him on here and let him see WHERE HE wen't wrong and that its not just a problem with you.
good luck.


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## deejov

Maybe you need to forgive him for damage he has done, and give him a chance towards intimacy. Let the past go if you can't live without him.


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## Herself

Are there any people that would update what occurred after?

I'm in the same place 14 years in I have given up on things getting better, but how do you leave your best friend?

My situation is different we are physical but only because that's how I am wired. It's totally empty sex but better than no sex.
Still it leaves 2 friends with no passion that have sex.

Not what I want in a relationship.


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## Akeshabelle

I'm also wondering if there is any updates?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

No updates. This poster has not been around here for 2 years. Note that she has only one post on TAM.

I'm locking this thread since it's a zombie (old, dead thread).


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