# Lost my sex drive, don't want to lose my husband



## sugar girl (Oct 11, 2012)

Hi everyone,
I've been reading some of the posts, and already I feel at least a little bit better becase I feel like I'm not alone. I'm 28 years old, and have no sex drive at all. I feel like, if it were up to me I would never have sex again, I just don't know what's wronge with me My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and have been married for 7, we have a little girl and she's almost two. At the begging of our relationship, I was SO ettracted to him, he's really good looking, and a really great guy, I could barley keep my hands off of him. After we got married the sex was amzing, and it was always fun and easy. The only thing was that do get in the mood we would smoke a joint before. Slowly, slowly, I just felt less and less "in the mood", at first I blamed the bith control pills, then something else, I just felt less sexy, less attracted to him and even less interested in pleasuring myself. I would need to smoke more and more each time to be able to get in the mood. Then we wanted to get pregnent and so weed was off the table, and we were just having less and less sex. There was a certain exitment about making a baby that would sometines get me in the mood, but the sex was nowhere near as often or as good as it was before. Then during pregnancy and after birth my sex drive just died. My husband is really so amazing and patient, he's loving and caring, so it's not a relationship thing. And I just see how hurt he is and how rejected he feels and I just feel awful, like it's my fault He tried to bring up the topic a few times, and everytime I would freak out and get all defensive and say there's no problem, it's just sress/being a mom/ no sleep/ but I feel now that he is right. There is a problem. And I'm also worried, I know he's not the kind of guy that cheats but he's really hot, and woman hit on him all the time, and I'm just worried that he's gonna break at some point. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want him to feel un-loved. The other day he told me he feels like I love the dog and our baby more then I love him. Please help me, I don't know what to do!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Hi sugar girl...glad you posted. Your right to worry about this.... men need sex and the connection and loving feelings that come with it.

Rejection cuts like a knife...be very aware of this. Every cut hurts.

Sometimes when we're not in the mood just starting is enough to get the motor running... once we start having nice body sensations and just 'inhaling' our beloved can get the juices running.

What DOES turn you on? Whats 'sexy' to you? 

I'm sure your lovely husband would entertain any fantasies or desires you have.

PS: Birth control does horrid things to sexual desire...is there any chance you can come off this?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I've never smoked weed, so I'm guessing here, but doesn't smoking kind of give you that lethargic "whatever" feeling? I also noticed that you ramped up the usage (possible addiction?) then had to stop for the baby.

Three suggestions:

1) It is imperative that you admit to your husband that you understand you have a problem. You also need to resolve yourself to do whatever is needed to overcome it.

2) See a medical doctor and come clean about your issues, including the pot usage.

3) Is there a reason you needed the weed to get in the mood? Any anxiety issues surrounding sex? Maybe some IC would help?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

As DTO said, go to a doctor about your libido. Don't just mention it at your next checkup. Make an appointment specifically for it. Maybe your hormones are out of whack. Pregnancy and birth can do a whammy on your hormones, but it's temporary and you said this was an issue before you were pregnant. So it's likely not an issue that will just go away on its own.

If your hormones check out as normal, then you need to do some mental work. See a sex therapist. And try just having sex with your husband. Men need sex and you are correct that denying him that need is dangerous for your marriage. Even if he doesn't cheat on you, you're giving him one less MAJOR reason to stay married to you. One of the primary reasons men marry is for regular sex.

Libido is kind of a "use it or lose it" thing. Having sex can actually release the chemicals in your brain that will increase your libido. And if you can't get excited about regular sex, try new things to see if you can recapture that spark.

Good luck.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> As DTO said, go to a doctor about your libido. Don't just mention it at your next checkup. Make an appointment specifically for it. Maybe your hormones are out of whack. Pregnancy and birth can do a whammy on your hormones, but it's temporary and you said this was an issue before you were pregnant. So it's likely not an issue that will just go away on its own.
> 
> If your hormones check out as normal, then you need to do some mental work. See a sex therapist. And try just having sex with your husband. Men need sex and you are correct that denying him that need is dangerous for your marriage. Even if he doesn't cheat on you, you're giving him one less MAJOR reason to stay married to you. One of the primary reasons men marry is for regular sex.
> 
> ...


 :iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP... I feel for you as a husband myself trapped in a sexless marriage.

I'm going to speak for your husband....

Just as an idea of what I myself a sexless husband am willing to accept is .....four years of trying to turn it around.... since ILYNILWY. Four years then that's it.

Here's the good thing...

I will not leave my wife over sex (especially if there is good reason)

Here's the bottom line from a husband perspective that has his #1 need on hold in my case no sex this year, twice last year, 7 times year before.....

Personally my brain allocates 10% of its processing power to WTF happenned...its like a constant drag. Been that way for almost three years! That means I always operate at a deficit. I make more mistakes, less happy, more stressed... you get the picture.

I will leave her if she refuses to admit there is an issue, blames me, seemingly does everything else besides sex and dances around the issue, does not want to be educated, holds a grudge, refuses to meet halfway, refuses to go outside herself for help, refuses to do anything until it she feels right...etc.

Guys want the issue identified and a solution path followed that you and he agree on. As long as you are completely honest (don't sugar coat it) with your husband. Work it out together and take all avenues to attempt to address the issue head on. Also make this the #1 priority in your marriage to solve. Don't bury your head in the sand like my wife mostly has.

Kudos for you for reaching out... tell your husband about this he needs to know you are searching for help!

The worst part as a husband is.... Being kept in limbo and out of the loop and the sense that you (husband) are putting in way more effort to resolve the issue that your wife who has the issue.

Your husband will not leave you if he is a decent man. Men understand when they have the facts and are kept informed of progress. WE actually do love you wives and will care for you if you are sick.... lack of libido is a form of sickness to us. We mostly cannot fathom that at all.

If my wife ended up injured so she could never have sex I would not leave her... if she holds resentment and withholds sex intentionally for more than four years I will. My wifes issue is fixable... yours sound fixable also.

Let your husband know you really did enjoy sex with him, you did find him very attractive but now not as much etc. Make sure he know its not him at all. BE 100% HONEST WITH HIM.

Parter with your husband and keep him in the loop always!

Its both your issue so deal with it together in lock-step.
Good luck.

Your husband can thank me later.


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

Agree with the others that have mentioned going to see a doctor. This might sound crazy, but how is your diet? Eating lots of fruit and vegetables so you can get all the right nutrients and vitamins into your system can make a big difference.


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## TommysDad (Jun 2, 2010)

In my own relationship I have a hard time figuring out how to reconcile people that have two very different sex drives. 

Either way someone is left with their needs unmet. That is a big problem and someone has to be satisfied with what they get or willing to meet the other partners needs. 

From someone that is going through this since the start of my marriage and has let it get to the point where I have a truckload of resentment, please don't let it get to that point or your asking for trouble. 

Maybe a medical doctor can help identify the problem, maybe there is some lingering effects from the marijuana, (I can tell that it has affected your ability to spell) so maybe there are some lingering effects over the years to your sex drive. Someone said be honest with your Doctor and I would echo that sentiment. Good Luck, I hope things get repaired.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Don't you find that once you start making love that you enjoy at least the touching and the closeness? The more sex you have the more your libido will increase. Do you not feel that you should be doing it to make HIM happy? If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband?? 
Fake it till you make it. Come on to him tonight whether you FEEL like it or not, it's part of being a loving partner. Meeting HIS needs, even if you don't share those needs. You are worried he's going to break.....but you don't care enough to just get down and make love to him? I don't get this at all. It isn't all about you. I did lots of things with my h that I didn't like, car shows, visit his relatives etc. Why take a chance on losing your marriage over this?


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## sugar girl (Oct 11, 2012)

Thank you all for your support and responses.

TommysDad- lol, yeah, my spelling sucks, sorry English is my second language, so it's not the weed

Indiecat- "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry...

Regarding going to a doctor, that some of you have suggested, I don't know, it's just really not my thing. I don't even take Advil. I think that taking medication is in most cases a way to deal with the symptom not the problem, in that respect, it's exactly like weed, in that it's a quick fix. I eat very well and am very into health and wellness, I do regular checkups and blood tests so I don't think it's a health issue. 

Trying2figureitout- I really appreciate your point of view, it's really importiant for me to hear. I know my husband is a great guy and he would never leave me for a sex thing, but I see that he's hurt and that he feels rejected and that hurts me very much. I'm very satisfied in my marrige and it hurts knowing that he feels something is missing. Up untill now, everytime he would bring it up, I didn't admit that there was a "problem". When he suggested sex therapy there was nothing to talk about, I just felt like it was his problem, and he was pressuring me. And I think your right that that's really hard to deal with. I do feel like now I'm in a diffrent place where I feel like it's not "his" problem, but it's "our" problem, beacause if he's not happy then I'm not happy. I have started looking online about diffrent books and stuff, and even though now I feel like I would be open to go to a sex therapist, we really can't afford it. It's not like we never have sex, but even when we do, it's not fun and easy like it used to be, the smallest thing can turn me off and I lose focus. I have tried to "play along" and kind of start even if I'm not in the mood, but then the sex is usually bad, and then I feel like what's the point of it if I'm not enjoying it?


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

You initiate. Tell your husband today that the two of you are going to do this on Saturday night (in two days). 

Try laying in bed together with your computer and watch porn together.

Do you own a vibrator? Get one. Use it when you're together. A cheap one is about $15.

Put the weed away and have two glasses of red wine each.

Lose the kid for a few hours or make sure Jr. is fast asleep. Wear the kid out during the day.

I'd bet my prescription will work better than a doctor's appointment :>)

Report back.


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## sugar girl (Oct 11, 2012)

Relic- I come fom a very religious backround and when I first found out that my husband watches porn I was shocked. Yes, really. I don't know, I guess I didn't think that's something guys really do. But now I know it's normal and everyone does it, I tried watching porn with him a few times, honestly, most of the time it kind of grosses me out... About the vibrator, I have 3! not that they're in use, but I own them. My husband bought them at diffrent times as gifts trying to get me to feel more sexual. At the time I was really hurt and told him it's like buying a fat person a exercise machine. Now I get that he ment well but I just am not feeling the jive. And together? I just don't feel comfortable enogh to do that...


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

sugar girl said:


> Thank you all for your support and responses.
> 
> TommysDad- lol, yeah, my spelling sucks, sorry English is my second language, so it's not the weed
> 
> ...


You are wrong. You say how you felt this was his problem. Now you are saying it its 'our' problem because "if he's not happy then I'm not happy."

This is YOUR problem. Your husband is perfectly normal. Everyone has a way THEY feel loved. For most men, the way they feel loved is through physical intimacy/sex. He is perfectly normal, you have the problem.

Your response to 'Indiecat' proves my point. Indiecat is trying to tell you that if you love your husband, you will care about him feeling loved. He feels love through physical intimacy/sex, like most men. Your answer is 'he can pay for that'. Do you really want him getting his needs met somewhere else?

This is your problem. You need to find out what is causing you to not care whether your husband feels loved or not.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Making love to your husband once in awhile is not prostitution! It's going outside your own wants and needs to make your partner happy and fulfilled. 
"What's the point if I'm not enjoying it"... You made the point; he feels rejected, and if he's not happy, then you're not happy".


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

Watching porn is something that a lot of men and women do, and if it's in the context of trying to raise some excitement while you're together, it's not such a bad thing. Tell your husband to find some tame stuff for you to watch together.

Dust off the vibrators. Your husband didn't get it to help you out. A vibrator is an essential basic equipment in any marriage. Like a microwave oven in the kitchen. 

Have a glass of wine or two.

Try this out!

Many people here have made helpful suggestions. Many doors have been opened for you to walk through. Choose one. You have to do something to try to change things.

You've got no hang-ups making choices like smoking dope. Try to get past the sexual hang-ups from your religious upbringing.

Get healthy so you can raise a healthy child in a happy home.

I think your husband is fine. These are your issues and you have to own them and actively do something to deal with them. You are putting your happy home at risk. These sex issues seem not be his problem or the two-of-your problem. Rather it sounds like this is your problem and your husband has been trying to help you lovingly and he is getting selfish responses in return.

I refer you back to your thread title: Lost my sex drive, don't want to lose my husband.

Well, do you or don't you? A sexless marriage is not an option. Do something quickly to repair the bond that you are severely testing.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

sugar girl said:


> Indiecat- "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry...


If that's your attitude, then just tell your husband to hold out as long as he can. Personally, I get nothing out of taking out the trash. It's just not my thing. When one trash can fills up, I can easily put another can beside the first and wait until they're both full before taking it out. That means half as many trips to the curb for me. But, my wife likes a clean house. So, I take out the trash. It's not for me. It's for her.

For your husband, sex is even more important than my wife's preference for an empty trash can. He needs it. He will crack without it. I don't know if he'll cheat on you, divorce you, or just continue living with you while he steadily grows to despise you. But he won't just accept your lack of interest in him the way you wish he would.



sugar girl said:


> Regarding going to a doctor, that some of you have suggested, I don't know, it's just really not my thing.


Well, if it's not your thing, maybe you can just tell your husband that. Maybe masturbating isn't really your husband's thing. But you expect him to keep doing that.



sugar girl said:


> Trying2figureitout- I really appreciate your point of view, it's really importiant for me to hear. I know my husband is a great guy and he would never leave me for a sex thing, but I see that he's hurt and that he feels rejected and that hurts me very much.


Trying2figureitout is atypical. He's been in a sexless relationship since the beginning of his marriage. His wife has shown many indications that she is cheating on him. Three years ago, she basically told him point blank that she was no longer interested in having sex with him. And he's done nothing but blame himself, refuse to believe that she would ever cheat on him, and keep insisting that he won't continue to take it much longer, even though he does. At two years, he swore it wouldn't go three. At three years, he's now swearing it won't go four. At ten years, he'll be swearing it won't go eleven. I'm guessing your husband has more self-respect than Trying2figureitout.



sugar girl said:


> I do feel like now I'm in a diffrent place where I feel like it's not "his" problem, but it's "our" problem, beacause if he's not happy then I'm not happy.


It's good that you are starting to see this as your problem, as well as his. But I can tell you that it was never his problem at all. A man expecting to have sex with his wife doesn't have a problem. He's normal and typical.

So, to solve your problem, you need to start taking action. You've listed the actions you're not interested in, such as having sex when you're not turned on, even though you never get turned on, and going to the doctor. But you have to actually do something besides apologize to your husband for denying him sex.

One other idea I have is to buy your husband The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life

There is some good information in there about how to help men cope with sexless marriages.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

indiecat said:


> Making love to your husband once in awhile is not prostitution! It's going outside your own wants and needs to make your partner happy and fulfilled.
> "What's the point if I'm not enjoying it"... You made the point; he feels rejected, and if he's not happy, then you're not happy".


:iagree:
If all she values her husband for is his paycheck, then at least give him permission to get a girlfriend to make him feel loved and desired.


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

As a woman in a very similar situation as you..it's good that you're seeking help, that's how I found my way to this forum as well. But with all do respect, it seems like you are turning down most of these great ideas people are throwing out to you. If you're just not willing to try anything (like seeing a doctor, you don't have to take any medication they prescribe you, but at least see what one has to say just to make some kind of effort?) then what is the point? 

Have you tried any kind of role playing? I did while I was pregnant and I honestly had so much fun (I found my husband's story plot to be hilarious) it got me in such a playful mood that I enjoyed the sex, where as like you, it's hard for me to really get into it at times. For me, after having kids, there's just less sensation down there.

Do you enjoy reading? Have you tried some romance or erotic novels? That's how I ended up pregnant with my second child.  Reading erotic books also helped get me more turned on to my husband and interested in doing things with him, new and old, where before it was harder for me to get turned on by him because there was less attraction..I can't quite explain how that all works, but it did help me at least.

Tried any new sexual positions or something you've never done before? Strip tease, lap dance, etc.. for me seeing my husband get so worked up, it most of the time gets me pretty excited too and makes things go a lot smoothly. Do you enjoy giving him oral sex, that way you don't have to always have vaginal sex, and he gets satisfied? I don't want to gross you out, but I tried letting my husband finish on my face (one of the things he and I had never tried before) and it was so new and exciting (and easy!) that it made us both happy haha. I used to be freaked out by the idea, but it wasn't at all how I thought it would be and I got so much enjoyment out of making him happy and seeing his reaction.

I also completely understand outside factors affecting your concentration during sex. I have a 2 year old, a 4 week old, and my husband and I live at my dad's and grandfather's house for the time being while my husband is in school. Definitely try finding a babysitter for your little one and having just an adult night, spend some quality time with each other and start trying to do this regularly (I know..easier said than done sometimes). 

Good luck! I hope you find something that works for you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sugar girl said:


> Indiecat- "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry...


Do you think that everything that you husband does for you is something he loves and is into? Or does he do things he does not like or is not into because he loves you and knows it is important.



> Regarding going to a doctor, that some of you have suggested, I don't know, it's just really not my thing. I don't even take Advil. I think that taking medication is in most cases a way to deal with the symptom not the problem, in that respect, it's exactly like weed, in that it's a quick fix. I eat very well and am very into health and wellness, I do regular checkups and blood tests so I don't think it's a health issue.


Sounds like an excuse to do nothing. You don't like medication, but admit to weed. You also have no problems with birth control pills, or getting regular checkups and blood tests. so which is it?



> Trying2figureitout- I really appreciate your point of view, it's really importiant for me to hear. I know my husband is a great guy and he would never leave me for a sex thing, but I see that he's hurt and that he feels rejected and that hurts me very much.


Actually, don't be too sure. It will likely not just be about sex, but sex will be a big part of it. It tends to be a slower process for men, but no sex leads to resentment. Once that ball starts rolling, it gathers every little annoyance that was cute when you two have a happy fullfilling sex life but now turns him off.



> I'm very satisfied in my marrige and it hurts knowing that he feels something is missing


Of course you are. You are getting your needs met and don't need to meet his needs.



> Up untill now, everytime he would bring it up, I didn't admit that there was a "problem". When he suggested sex therapy there was nothing to talk about, I just felt like it was his problem, and he was pressuring me. And I think your right that that's really hard to deal with. I do feel like now I'm in a diffrent place where I feel like it's not "his" problem, but it's "our" problem, beacause if he's not happy then I'm not happy. I have started looking online about diffrent books and stuff, and even though now I feel like I would be open to go to a sex therapist, we really can't afford it. It's not like we never have sex, but even when we do, it's not fun and easy like it used to be, the smallest thing can turn me off and I lose focus. I have tried to "play along" and kind of start even if I'm not in the mood, but then the sex is usually bad, and then I feel like what's the point of it if I'm not enjoying it?


So does he not get to do the things that he does not enjoy? If he, for example, has a crap day and just does not feel like talking to you, can he lock himself in his den to drink beer and watch the game while ignoring you?

I know I am being harsh, but I see a lot of excuses. That you recognize it is a problem is good, but you sound too much like many low drive people who acknowledge the problem but don't do anything to fix it because at a gut level, it is not their problem. 

Work with your husband to fix this. Figure out what external factors (hormones or birth control) that may be effecting your drive. Figure out what things you are doing to hurt your drive (not letting go of resentment, bad body image). Figure out things that he is doing that hurt your drive (his gaining weight, his losing traits that you found attractive). 

Don't just tell him you recognize the problem, but show him that you really want to fix it.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Wow, PHT and Tall Average, great posts!

Very refreshing... Sometimes when people want advice, they seek it out of guilt, and asking for some relieves that guilt... Now FOLLOWING the advice and making changes... Well, many people are surprised that it actually takes effort... Who'd of thunk, right?

I hope this is not another one of those posts where somebody has a problem and then vents for relief but resists and comes up with excuses for carrying out any resolutions...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

sugar girl said:


> I know my husband is a great guy and he would never leave me for a sx thing...


I'm a great guy as well, married to a low/zero drive wife. Your line above...I used to think I would never leave over the s*x thing. I don't think that way any longer.

Trust me, your husband's resentment is building, and at some point, you won't be able to reverse it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I find it very interesting that you are insulted by the idea of just going ahead with sex with YOUR HUSBAND. And you think that makes you a kin to a prostitute? You say you're very religious. What does God say about husbands and wives having sex? Where in the bible does it say that a wife should only have sex when she has sexual desire? Where in the bible does it say that a WIFE having sex for reasons other than desire is equivalent to a prostitute? I'm not religious, but I'm pretty sure God knows a good wife when he sees one, and he describes it pretty well in scripture. 

Anyway, the advice to just do it has some basis in real therapy. Desire is often a use it or lose it thing (for women). So, if you start doing it more often, you'll start desiring it more often. And if you don't do it, then you'll stop desiring it, as you've found out. It's the "fake it til you make it" approach.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

When you do things for people only when it feels good for you but not when they need it, well, let's just say that you should probably never open up your own homeless shelter soup kitchen...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

sugar girl said:


> Thank you all for your support and responses.
> 
> TommysDad- lol, yeah, my spelling sucks, sorry English is my second language, so it's not the weed
> 
> ...


OP... READ THIS OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU HEAR YOUR HUSBAND SAYING THIS TO YOU!

The point is.... its a basic component of your marriage.

There are many things you don't enjoy but do them anyhow. Laundry, grocery shopping, sitting in traffic the list goes on and on.

Why do you do those things...

Because you know if you didn't you would be letting yourself and your family down so you do them anyhow.

Sex with your husband is NO DIFFERENT in fact it is higher importance than just about anything on your list of "current" disliked activities. IT IS NOT OPTIONAL!


Look at it this way... your husband if he honors your vows... has NO OTHER SEXUAL OUTLET THAN YOU!

Masturbation is NOT THE SAME as connecting with his wife!

So the next time you think is a chore...STOP IT!
Its a chance to connect deeply with your husband!

You are ruining your marriage... seek help, keep him informed and find a way to satisfy each others needs with respect and love!

You need to hear it straight from the horses mouth!Your husband may not tell you but I will until you get it through your skull.

You have no idea how he feels. You are NOT A MAN! Sex is like air to men.
Why not tell him your #1 need of him and let him withhold that from YOU while you figure out what to do... that's fair.

LISTEN

Sorry for being brutaly honest but you need to hear the truth and think logically like a man does.
Women always base stuff on feelings.... Men base stuff on logic... we need to sometimes see the other view.
Men are easy. Men are logical. We want it fixed and fast....move on to bigger and better.
You have an issue with us? Tell us we fix it..move on. Don't drag it out!

A half hour of invigorating sex...will pay YOU back in bushels of him feeling connected to you and wanting to please you making your life easier... do it regularly and you will have a lifetime of joy!

Get focused you don't daydream in traffic do you?
That'll get you killed.

You want to save your marriage...prioritize sex with you husband practice makes perfect!
I'm sure if you share your concerns he will do his very best to help you enjoy it.
Start talking about sex with him work it out together.
YOU ARE MARRIED! He loves you and wants to make love to you a lot!

Why do you think men RAPE... when is the last time you heard of a women rapist?
Men will go to extreme lengths to obtain sex...you are playing with fire.
What my wife does to me is seen as cruel yet I still love her. I know she still has to connect hope she does
before time runs out.

Its not optional...do it.

Its not rocket science.

On the other hand looking at it from your perspective if you cannot provide what he needs then you need to DIVORCE him... quit being self-centered and selfish. Marriage is a partnership ans there are certain undeniable aspects to it one being regular sex.

I'm good either way...give me a sexual marriage or don't BUT DO NOT KEEP ME IN LIMBO!
Figure out what you can provide him then decide. Be fair to your husband.
He would be with you.

One more personal point to consider.... I can only stand my wife if we have sex.
Taking her on raw/sexless you see every flaw... I feel sorry for my wife now because I know she is emotional damaged from childhood and today re-living her teen years which she missed. I have to treat her like my stubborn daughter to get through to her.

My wife when we talked said what do you mean I'm not meeting your needs? I do this, this, this, this, this, this,......

I looked her straight in the eye and said you REFUSE to meet my #1 need of you so that means YOU ARE NOT MEETING MY NEEDS OF YOU AS MY WIFE!

Sometimes you need to hear the truth!

She took someone who was so infatuated with her and turned him into a nut over lack of sex! To the point I don't care anymore. She need to make a decision before year 4.

Sex hides YOUR flaws. Your husband will crack too guaranteed. Make a decision to maintain sanity on both ends.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I have close to zero physical drive right now, but I still have sex with my husband. Sometimes I DO have to fake enthusiasm. I agree that it does not make you a prostitute. It's not always easy, but I believe it is the right thing to do. Even if I do not get anything physically out of sex, I still believe it brings us closer and I see other positive results. I'm exhausted today after being up most of the night with our baby. SO my husband is going out of his way to come home from work an hour earlier just so he can give me a break and help me with the kids.

I went out of my way to make time for sex last night even though I didn't necessarily "feel" like it. I believe there are periods during any marriage when you just don't feel the romance. But that doesn't mean you should give up. You might have to work extra hard for that connection, but it is worth it. IMO, you will be more miserable and full of guilt if you do not have sex with your husband than if you have sex sometimes when you do not feel like it. Best wishes to you.


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## sugar girl (Oct 11, 2012)

Hi everyone. So again,I really appreciate all the comments. But, I don't think that all the salamming is in order. Truth is, I'm new to the forum, and I've actually never talked to anyone about this topic, so while I'm sure everyone has there own crap that they are bringing to the table I would appreciate a little bit of sensitivity. It's a big deal for me to even talk about it. I know alot of guys are coming from the other end of this story, and I'm sure that's hard and would really be interested in hearing about that, but not in a harsh mean way. There's another side to the story, you think I like that the situation is like this? don't you think I want a fullfiling sex life? The world that I come from is a world were you don't talk about sex, even when it's good, that's just how it goes. So its' hard, I don't have any friends or family that I can talk to, and sometimes you think that what you have is normal because you have no Idea what other people have. Things are always more complicated then you think. Regarding my comment about "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry..." What can I say, I stand by it. I didn't mean that I want him to go pay for sex, but to me having sex and taking out the garbage is not the same thing. That makes me really sad to hear. I think sex is something too people should enjoy together, not a one sided thing where one gets off and the other is only the vessel.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

sugar girl said:


> Hi everyone. So again,I really appreciate all the comments. But, I don't think that all the salamming is in order. Truth is, I'm new to the forum, and I've actually never talked to anyone about this topic, so while I'm sure everyone has there own crap that they are bringing to the table I would appreciate a little bit of sensitivity. It's a big deal for me to even talk about it. I know alot of guys are coming from the other end of this story, and I'm sure that's hard and would really be interested in hearing about that, but not in a harsh mean way. There's another side to the story, you think I like that the situation is like this? don't you think I want a fullfiling sex life? The world that I come from is a world were you don't talk about sex, even when it's good, that's just how it goes. So its' hard, I don't have any friends or family that I can talk to, and sometimes you think that what you have is normal because you have no Idea what other people have. Things are always more complicated then you think. Regarding my comment about "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry..." What can I say, I stand by it. I didn't mean that I want him to go pay for sex, but to me having sex and taking out the garbage is not the same thing. That makes me really sad to hear. I think sex is something too people should enjoy together, not a one sided thing where one gets off and the other is only the vessel.


So the sex isn't enjoyable? That is the issue. Your husband is a bad lover? He isn't romantic?

You need to talk to your husband about what you need. If he is like most men, your enjoyment is very important to him. He will do most anything to ensure you are fulfilled. But he can't read your mind. 

I used to buy lingerie to try to spice things up. But she never wears it and when I suggest she wear it, she gets annoyed. If I buy it, she thinks I am only doing it to get laid. 

I used to buy her flowers. She will say thanks and appear happy, but still reject me that night.

I have set up date nights to go to a movie. I sit up and watch 'her' tv shows with her, even though every time one of my shows is on, she leaves. I plan vacations for us to get away. 

I do all the work in regards to trying to make the relationship better. Hoping that she will start to care about my need for intimacy/sex. 

After being rejected 90% of the time, it gets very difficult to keep putting in the effort.

What have you done to try to make sex and intimacy better for you and your husband?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

sugar girl said:


> don't you think I want a fullfiling sex life?


Not trying to be mean, but no. 



sugar girl said:


> I feel like, if it were up to me I would never have sex again


Never doesn't sound fulfilling to me. Again, not trying to be mean but something just doesn't add up.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

sugar girl said:


> Hi everyone. So again,I really appreciate all the comments. But, I don't think that all the salamming is in order. Truth is, I'm new to the forum, and I've actually never talked to anyone about this topic, so while I'm sure everyone has there own crap that they are bringing to the table I would appreciate a little bit of sensitivity. It's a big deal for me to even talk about it. I know alot of guys are coming from the other end of this story, and I'm sure that's hard and would really be interested in hearing about that, but not in a harsh mean way. There's another side to the story, you think I like that the situation is like this? don't you think I want a fullfiling sex life? The world that I come from is a world were you don't talk about sex, even when it's good, that's just how it goes. So its' hard, I don't have any friends or family that I can talk to, and sometimes you think that what you have is normal because you have no Idea what other people have. Things are always more complicated then you think. Regarding my comment about "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry..." What can I say, I stand by it. I didn't mean that I want him to go pay for sex, but to me having sex and taking out the garbage is not the same thing. That makes me really sad to hear. I think sex is something too people should enjoy together, not a one sided thing where one gets off and the other is only the vessel.


Sugar girl... you don't want to lose your husband right?

Then face the music.

I have no problem telling you 100% how it is.
This is hard..you have to make a hard decision.

I agree your husband does not want you to be disinterested. I flat out turned down my wife offering to spread her legs. Why do you think I've been sexless so long.. I don't want lame sex with my wife. We either fix this or don't.

You need to figure out how to want to have sex with him again or have sex with him to try to get there.
Keep him in the loop.

This is not a therapy session.. I'm telling you the truth from HIS perspective if you don't like it too bad.

I'm trying to help you. You want to save your marriage... I'm telling you divorcing him may be your best option if 
you refuse to listen to people trying to help you. Especially with your attitude toward sex.
Do him a favor and let him go he deserves better unless you start looking at this differently.

You are being selfish and self-centered and taking your husband for granted!
Go cry if you must but afterward use your brain.

LISTEN

Feel free to PM me if you need help from a male perspective.
I myself have a female mentor that has helped me immensely I found here she helps me a lot.
I want you to stay married. Sometimes it helps to hear the other side of things.
Think about it... it helps me. I don't make that offer normally but I think you might need help.
Offer stands.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> At the begging of our relationship, I was SO ettracted to him, he's really good looking, and a really great guy, I could barley keep my hands off of him.


Of course. New relationships and new sex is like that. There are some brain chemicals that get amped up during sex initially, which creates a bonding/excitement loop in your brain.



> After we got married the sex was amzing, and it was always fun and easy. The only thing was that do get in the mood we would smoke a joint before.


Sure, pot lowers inhibitions and anxieties...much easier to relax. It also heightens sensations, so that would be a bonus. Did you do that ALL the time? Maybe you were never all that hot for him to begin with if you always smoked pot before sex. How was the sex when you hadn't smoked...like morning sex or something?



> Slowly, slowly, I just felt less and less "in the mood", at first I blamed the bith control pills, then something else,* I just felt less sexy, less attracted to him and even less interested in pleasuring myself.* I would need to smoke more and more each time to be able to get in the mood.


It's common for the new relationship brain chemicals to settle down after a few years, so you would start to feel less excited in that sense. That could be what you started experiencing and attributed it to being less and less attracted to him. 

Are you still attracted to your husband? Are you in love with him? You said you felt less sexy - did your husband change his behavior with you, like complimenting you less or flirting less? Did you gain weight or was there some other change in your life that made you feel less attractive and sexy? 

Personally, I've found that "dates" are really, really important. They help us stay connected, and it's super helpful to focus on each other the way we did during the dating phase of the relationship. It also helps to have a somewhat constant level of flirtation going in the relationship - we're not just people who go to work and take care of the house and hobbies and family and whatnot...we're still sexual beings and treat each other as lovers all the time. This might be hard to achieve when you are in mommy-mode, but flirtation and teasing can keep the sexy fires burning.

The other aspect of it is the emotional intimacy. And I'll be honest - if I'm not at all in the mood for sex, there is nothing he can really do physically that would get me going, so I'd be inclined to just say no. However, sex is a time for us to connect emotionally in a very intimate way, and that is virtually always desirable to me, so the desire to be close to him compels me to have sex even if I don't have any desire for sex physically. Do you experience that kind of emotional closeness and bonding through sex? Do you experience it in some other way in your relationship?

Do you have time to yourself to rest and recharge? Do you take the time to pamper yourself a bit and dress up for your hubby sometimes, like you did when you prepared for a date? Bubble bath, make-up, perfume, pretty dress - that kind of thing can make you feel sexy, especially when you see the look in his eye when he sees you. 

Finally, what kind of lover is he? Are you getting pleasure? Do you orgasm regularly or not?


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

You did something pro-active by finding this forum and asking for people's help. 

What followed were several positive, non-judgemental, constructive posts offering logical advice:

-spice things up
-see a doctor
-get counselling
-review your diet and meds

You found excuses to reject each and every one of the possibilities open to you.

If you think you deserve a huge round of applause for your baby step of coming online here only to reject all of the advice, you may be disappointed.

I think you need a kick in the butt to get you out of your rut. Why not look at the later posts in this thread as your kick in the butt?

You should re-read this thread and take action today to start repairing things. Find a post here that suggested something practical and affordable and do something.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sugar girl said:


> Regarding my comment about "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry..." What can I say, I stand by it. I didn't mean that I want him to go pay for sex, but to me having sex and taking out the garbage is not the same thing. That makes me really sad to hear. I think sex is something too people should enjoy together, not a one sided thing where one gets off and the other is only the vessel.


So what about my comparison to indepth discussions. What if your husband locked himself in the den so he could drink beer and watch the game because frankly he just was not into having discussions about your day with you. It is not his thing, he does not get anything out of it and you could pay a therapist to do it, so why bother him? Would you consider this acceptable?

I am not trying to bash you, but your posts and actions contradict your statement that you want a sexually fullfilling marriage. You say you are happy in your marriage, you don't care if you ever have sex again, you are not willing to see a doctor about (and provide some pretty flimsy excuses for why not) and are not willing to even entertain the idea that sex is not all about you all the time.

I understand it is tough to talk about these things, and even more difficult to look at yourself in the mirror, but it is time to put on your big girl panties and join the adult world. Life is tough.

I too have a wife who's drive is lower than mine. For a long time (too long really), I was not satisfied with my sex life. Much of it was my fault because I whined about it but did not take action. It was hard to look in the mirror and realize I was doing things that were turning my wife off. It was hard to realize that being passive was not what my wife needed, and that a lot of it was my fault we were at that place. I had to admit my faults and change my behavior. As I did that, my wife opened up to me and joined me in working on it.

That is why I say talk to your husband and take action together. Work together as a team to get where you both want to go.

A final note on the comments. You are the one coming here for advice, so we naturally are giving it. Please recognize we are doing it to try and help. That being said, some of us (including me) will be less than patient as you work through this. We want you to get it right away when it sometimes takes time for you to digest it. Please be patient with us and think about some of these suggestions. In turn we will try to be patient with you as you work through this.

Good luck.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I too have a wife who's drive is lower than mine. For a long time (too long really), I was not satisfied with my sex life. Much of it was my fault because I whined about it but did not take action. It was hard to look in the mirror and realize I was doing things that were turning my wife off. It was hard to realize that being passive was not what my wife needed, and that a lot of it was my fault we were at that place. I had to admit my faults and change my behavior. As I did that, my wife opened up to me and joined me in working on it.
> 
> That is why I say talk to your husband and take action together. Work together as a team to get where you both want to go.


This is a good point. Once things start heading south, having a whiny, pissy partner is not going to help matters because it really is a turn-off. If your hubby is doing this (because he is frustrated and upset, usually), you'll find yourself less and less attracted and less likely to ever want to have sex with him.

If this kind of thing, or other behaviors, are turning you off, you absolutely need to tell your hubby so he can stop inadvertently making the situation worse.

Talk to your hubby and keep talking and keep talking. You're in this marriage and this family together - only as a team will you be able to work this out. 

You get from your relationship and your sex life what you put into it. If you only put a little into it, you'll end up with very little satisfaction because you aren't invested in it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

sugar girl said:


> Hi everyone. So again,I really appreciate all the comments. But, I don't think that all the salamming is in order. Truth is, I'm new to the forum, and I've actually never talked to anyone about this topic, so while I'm sure everyone has there own crap that they are bringing to the table I would appreciate a little bit of sensitivity. It's a big deal for me to even talk about it. I know alot of guys are coming from the other end of this story, and I'm sure that's hard and would really be interested in hearing about that, but not in a harsh mean way. There's another side to the story, you think I like that the situation is like this? don't you think I want a fullfiling sex life? The world that I come from is a world were you don't talk about sex, even when it's good, that's just how it goes. So its' hard, I don't have any friends or family that I can talk to, and sometimes you think that what you have is normal because you have no Idea what other people have. Things are always more complicated then you think. Regarding my comment about "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry..." What can I say, I stand by it. I didn't mean that I want him to go pay for sex, but to me having sex and taking out the garbage is not the same thing. That makes me really sad to hear. I think sex is something too people should enjoy together, not a one sided thing where one gets off and the other is only the vessel.


Something doesn't add up. Maybe when you say that you're very religious you are referring to a religion other than Christianity. However, I assume that you are a Christian so here are my questions/comments?

In your OP, you say that you were together for 10 years and married for 7, and that when you first started dating that you could barely keep your hands off of him. I'm guessing that you may have "saved" yourself for him; however no doubt that you 2 engaged in some form of intimacy - especially if you were doing drugs to get into the mood. I really have a hard time believing you are a highly religious Christian. To me this simply does not add up.

Also, if you are highly religious you will fall into one of 2 camps: 

1) either you are of the belief that the husband is the head of your household and that he deserves to be treated as such, i.e. if he desires to make love to you then you should not deny him the right as a married couple. It is sinful to go against your husband in this because he is the head of your family. 

2) you believe in the sanctity of marriage as a gift given to you by God - where the two separate from their parents and join to become one flesh. In this view, sex plays a significant role in ensuring that you two regularly express your love to each other on all levels - including giving of oneself to his/her spouse. 

In either case, sex is crucial to the Christian marriage because it promotes a deepening love between the couple. Also, as a highly religious Christian, you would be concerned with keeping your family in state of grace if at all possible, i.e. that you would not want to take any actions that could encourage a family member to sin. In this case, withholding sex from your husband helps to push him into sin by becoming tempted to find his release from another woman. 

Based on all of this, I have some doubts about your story - especially the "highly religious" part.


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

Plan9fromOuterSpace,

I'm not a Christian but I'll "amen" to that.

So to simplify things regarding Christians and sex and marriage: Outside marriage sex is bad. Inside the marriage sex is good. 

What did your church teach you, Sugar Girl, that has you all mixed-up? You liked sex before you were married. Maybe you could consider talking to your church pastor?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think we have lost the OP. She doesn't get it.

I think she thinks like my wife. That sex is not a need. That it is a want. It is totally different than the things she needs in the marriage. He is being selfish to want sex, when she doesn't. He needs to grow up. Sex shouldn't be that important to him. He is just a pervert trying to use her body to get off. It isn't because he needs this, it is because he wants it and doesn't care about her feelings.

He should look after all her needs (guessing quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, etc.) and once all her needs are met she might want to have sex with him. But probably not. As soon as he jumps through a couple of hoops to make her happy, she will add more twists and turns, to ensure he isn't quite up to par.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> This is a good point. Once things start heading south, having a whiny, pissy partner is not going to help matters because it really is a turn-off. If your hubby is doing this (because he is frustrated and upset, usually), you'll find yourself less and less attracted and less likely to ever want to have sex with him.
> 
> If this kind of thing, or other behaviors, are turning you off, you absolutely need to tell your hubby so he can stop inadvertently making the situation worse.


You hit on a good point, though not one I was trying to make. I was noting that for all her comments about the issue, the OP was whining about it while not doing anything. She needs to step up if things are going to change (because he ain't here asking for advice).

However, the larger point about the husband doing things to turn her off is true. She needs to work with him to fix those things as well. One thing that can be helpful is the Married Man's Sex Life. Not fool-proof, but there are things there that have helped others.



> Talk to your hubby and keep talking and keep talking. You're in this marriage and this family together - only as a team will you be able to work this out.
> 
> You get from your relationship and your sex life what you put into it. If you only put a little into it, you'll end up with very little satisfaction because you aren't invested in it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

sugar girl said:


> Hi everyone. So again,I really appreciate all the comments. But, I don't think that all the salamming is in order. Truth is, I'm new to the forum, and I've actually never talked to anyone about this topic, so while I'm sure everyone has there own crap that they are bringing to the table I would appreciate a little bit of sensitivity. It's a big deal for me to even talk about it. I know alot of guys are coming from the other end of this story, and I'm sure that's hard and would really be interested in hearing about that, but not in a harsh mean way.


Our comments are not meant to insult you. We're simply blunt. We call it a virtual 2x4 between the eyes to wake you up. If all you want is someone to ask, "How does that make you feel?", while you gradually struggle with your internal guilt and motivations, then you want therapy. We're not therapists. We just give advice.

As you recognize, many of us are here because we have, or had, dissatisfying sex lives. And many of us solved the problem. So, you can recognize that we have been where you are and we know what it takes to get where you want to go, or you can think that you are completely unique and that the suggestions that worked for many of us would not apply to you. If you think the latter, then you're wasting your time here.



sugar girl said:


> There's another side to the story, you think I like that the situation is like this? don't you think I want a fullfiling sex life?


I'm sure you want a fulfilling sex life. Everyone does. That's not the issue. The issue is, what are you willing to do to have a fulfilling sex life? If your answer is, nothing, then you are not likely to have a fulfilling sex life. You will have to take action. Some actions will be easy and some will be hard. But you have to change. The common definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Don't be insane.



sugar girl said:


> The world that I come from is a world were you don't talk about sex, even when it's good, that's just how it goes. So its' hard, I don't have any friends or family that I can talk to, and sometimes you think that what you have is normal because you have no Idea what other people have. Things are always more complicated then you think.


I recognize that it can be embarrassing to discuss the topic. But you're anonymous. One of us could be your parent and you would never know. So try to get past that. We're here to help you and help your husband.



sugar girl said:


> Regarding my comment about "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry..." What can I say, I stand by it. I didn't mean that I want him to go pay for sex, but to me having sex and taking out the garbage is not the same thing. That makes me really sad to hear. I think sex is something too people should enjoy together, not a one sided thing where one gets off and the other is only the vessel.


Why don't you want him to have sex with another woman? You're saying that you don't want to meet his need for sex, and you don't want anyone else to meet his need either? That is very selfish. The thing about marriage is that your husband promised to forsake sex with all other women. In exchange for that promise, you have the responsibility to meet his needs. If you're unwilling to live up to your responsibility, then release him from his vow and let someone else meet his needs.

As for thinking sex is different from taking out the garbage, I suspect that's because we're talking about your needs versus his needs. Try looking at your child's needs. You have a daughter. She needs to eat. So you feed her. But, what if you don't feel like cooking? What if you're tired and you're not really hungry? Do you tell your child that she can't eat dinner? Or do you feed her anyway because she needs to eat? You probably feed her. That's because you love her and you are committed to meeting her needs. Why should your husband's need be dismissed? Just because he needs sex?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> You hit on a good point, though not one I was trying to make. I was noting that for all her comments about the issue, the OP was whining about it while not doing anything. She needs to step up if things are going to change (because he ain't here asking for advice).
> 
> However, the larger point about the husband doing things to turn her off is true. She needs to work with him to fix those things as well. One thing that can be helpful is the Married Man's Sex Life. Not fool-proof, but there are things there that have helped others.


Yes, she does need to take some kind of action. I would recommend talking to her husband to understand what sex means to him. 

By her comment about not getting anything out of it and feeling like a "vessel" for him to get off, I suspect she doesn't realize that sex is not just a physical thing for husbands, but also a way that they receive and express love. To me, that is such an important point and makes all the difference in wanting to give it a go even if I'm not really in the mood.

ETA: Someone had a link to an article about men and what sex means to them...maybe SA posted it...does anyone have that?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

norajane said:


> By her comment about not getting anything out of it and feeling like a "vessel" for him to get off, I suspect she doesn't realize that sex is not just a physical thing for husbands, but also a way that they receive and express love. To me, that is such an important point and makes all the difference in wanting to give it a go even if I'm not really in the mood.


That's really important. It's sad how many women don't understand that. When a wife rejects her husband sexually, especially regularly, he interprets that as her telling him that she's not interested in him telling/showing her how much he loves her. I can't imagine the slamming a husband would get if he told her wife that he was too tired/stressed/busy for her to tell him she loved him. And rightfully so.


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## sugar girl (Oct 11, 2012)

Alright, so I just want to clear some thing up:
1. I have been off of birth control for 3 years now
2. I'm not religious at all, a complete atheist actually, I was just refering to my upbringing and the comunity I grew up in
3. Yes at the beginning I wrote that if it were up to me I would never have sex again and then later said that I do feel like I want to have a fulfilling sex life. I'll explain: Think of someone whos anorexic, she has no desire to eat but clearly is aware that this is not good for her in any way and wishes thing were diffrent.
4. I hear all of the advice and just because I'm questioning some of it that doesn't mean I won't take it. I'm still aloud to be a critical thinker when it comes to advice that will effect my love life
5. Love the suggestion of reading some sexy books, that sounds like fun, and the date thing, def. a keeper
6. I am not your wife so don't assume that you know what I think or how my husband feels. Each couple is diffrent, we are a very strong couple and have been through alot, I know we will make it through this too


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Assuming your husband works, doesn't he use his body for the good of the marriage even on the days he doesn't feel like it?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Honestly i don't think most wives get it until the husband is ready to bolt.

Then they finally wake up to he fact ...

Hey sex with him is good.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just my perspective, but if a woman is withholding sex from the person she married, she has no husband. She might have a roommate, maybe a source of supplemental income, but she's already left the marriage. The love isn't allowed to live and it isn't permitted to die. It's just in a coma. Either he gets his nose full and finally leaves (usually with another woman) or things linger until his drive also dies and she's stuck with an old, irreversibly bitter man, racing to see who gets to die first.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Just my perspective, but if a woman is withholding sex from the person she married, she has no husband. She might have a roommate, maybe a source of supplemental income, but she's already left the marriage. The love isn't allowed to live and it isn't permitted to die. It's just in a coma. Either he gets his nose full and finally leaves (usually with another woman) or things linger until his drive also dies and she's stuck with an old, irreversibly bitter man, racing to see who gets to die first.


Or you do like me and re-engineer her mind.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Honestly i don't think most wives get it until the husband is ready to bolt.
> 
> Then they finally wake up to he fact ...
> 
> Hey sex with him is good.


I am not sure I agree with the word most. But i am surprised at the number of women I have met who are on their second marriage and are committed to sex in a big way. A former co worker of mine even told me once that her first husband left her because of a lack of sex and that she would never let that happen again. Her second husband always seemed to be really happy guy.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Obviously you can't have it both ways, saying sex is not important or essential to a marriage and it does not define your relationship, then believing his having sex with someone else is a violation of your vows because sex is a central part of a marital relationship. 
At best, he will gradually become angry and hostile to you, at worst, he will feel justified in having an affair. 

I am not sure why you can't spend 10-15 minutes, twice a week, and fake it to some extent. When Harry Met Sally is still available on video, and a couple of well-placed ooh's ah's and yeses are probably more than sufficient, a couple of well-placed moans may even meet the norm. Obviously if there is something he could do better, you can bring that up. 

At best, since you are denying him, he will be less inclined to help you or do things as a couple, and you two will be a mildly disfunctional couple, with each placing limited priority in the relationship. 

Remember this is not something you can't do, it's something you don't want to do. I don't agree that watching usually humiliating porn for women will turn you on, though if a vacation or weekend away will put you in the mood, do suggest that.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Just wanted to point out that there is a "coping with infidelity" forum here for you when (if) you husband decides enough is enough. Although I am not really a great fan of Laura Schlessinger, her book on the "Care and feeding of husbands" may be of value for you.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sugar we all go through those spells. I have been married 35 and been with her 37. We decided before marraige that neither would ever turn the other down. It has always worked. consider that you often do things for your spouse that you dont feel like. How is this any different?

There are times when even men don't feel like sex but I have never denied her needs nor has she mine. Its not that hard to be an actress for a while until you figure this out and yes see a Dr. 

As far as being brought up religious goes this can put a dent in sex. Been there done that. I expect SA will be along shortly to advise you on that. She probably understands that aspect better than anyone I know. She is a smart woman so take her advice to heart.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> As far as being brought up religious goes this can put a dent in sex. Been there done that. I expect SA will be along shortly to advise you on that. She probably understands that aspect better than anyone I know. She is a smart woman so take her advice to heart.










Stonewall.  

I can only relate to feeling "*repressed*" looking at certain acts "as dirty" ....due to too much religious indoctrination....sex talk being TABOO....... but hormonally I was always GOOD drive, so it was easier for me to want sex regularly. I have NEVER IN MY LIFE had a spell of not needing/craving/ lusting for this act for more than a 5-7 spell.....even after each baby (I could never wait till the Doc advised to resume sex!)... and if I had a spouse who was like this.... It would have destructed our marriage (I am highly sensitive to my husbands *desire*, to me it is on par with Love, I suppose I need therapy?).... 

I did not get married to be celibate & masterbate alone (that is terribly depressing to me)....& if I even had a taste of HIS feeling I was a "burden" in this area...it would have been the beginning of the end. 

If Sugar Girl is still reading... I will point her to this thread --- where the wife felt similar to her... zero drive and wanted her husband to just "accept it" because he married her & he loves her .... scroll down to post *#254* ... I offer how a husband feels in this... if a woman is truly Low drive & can not relate to what this does *emotionally* to her husband .....and continues to turn a blind eye....because she doesn't feel it......

Just know you will NOT have a happy husband on your hands, he may stuff that & try to hide it from you...but he will be suffering deeply ....emotionally he will drift from you.....your marraige will become "*apathetic*"... (unfeeling, impassive, uninterested, unconcerned)... it just works this way...Making love/ physical intimacy/ when the 2 become one ....is just so very very very important for our emotional love tanks / fullfilling us deeply/ bonding us to each other ....he will slowly grow *resentment* & many men become very very weak ...the angry ones will likely raise the roof off the house.... the silent ones who attempt hiding their emotions, stuffing...may grow depressed, start hanging with other people, not wanting to come home after work .....and will be RIPE for falling into the arms of another.... Those are the RISKS one takes when the sex dries up in a marriage ... 

My post here >>







http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/54705-sometimes-just-not-mood-its-not-you-17.html







(some helpful links in this post about sexual resentment, a test, how sex is an emotional need, also a song -to how your husband feels). 

Relating to coming out of sexual repression- thanks to some of our upbringings that go TOO FAR..... if you feel your issue is more a "Mindset" - not so much Hormonal .....My story  HERE.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

sugar girl said:


> Regarding going to a doctor, that some of you have suggested, I don't know, it's just really not my thing. I don't even take Advil. I think that taking medication is in most cases a way to deal with the symptom not the problem, in that respect, it's exactly like weed, in that it's a quick fix. I eat very well and am very into health and wellness, I do regular checkups and blood tests so I don't think it's a health issue.


You can have the most healthy lifestyle in the world, and it could still be a health issue. See a doctor.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

sugar girl said:


> Hi everyone,
> I've been reading some of the posts, and already I feel at least a little bit better becase I feel like I'm not alone. I'm 28 years old, and have no sex drive at all. I feel like, if it were up to me I would never have sex again, I just don't know what's wronge with me My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and have been married for 7, we have a little girl and she's almost two. At the begging of our relationship, I was SO ettracted to him, he's really good looking, and a really great guy, I could barley keep my hands off of him. After we got married the sex was amzing, and it was always fun and easy. The only thing was that do get in the mood we would smoke a joint before. Slowly, slowly, I just felt less and less "in the mood", at first I blamed the bith control pills, then something else, I just felt less sexy, less attracted to him and even less interested in pleasuring myself. I would need to smoke more and more each time to be able to get in the mood. Then we wanted to get pregnent and so weed was off the table, and we were just having less and less sex. There was a certain exitment about making a baby that would sometines get me in the mood, but the sex was nowhere near as often or as good as it was before. Then during pregnancy and after birth my sex drive just died. My husband is really so amazing and patient, he's loving and caring, so it's not a relationship thing. And I just see how hurt he is and how rejected he feels and I just feel awful, like it's my fault He tried to bring up the topic a few times, and everytime I would freak out and get all defensive and say there's no problem, it's just sress/being a mom/ no sleep/ but I feel now that he is right. There is a problem. And I'm also worried, I know he's not the kind of guy that cheats but he's really hot, and woman hit on him all the time, and I'm just worried that he's gonna break at some point. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want him to feel un-loved. The other day he told me he feels like I love the dog and our baby more then I love him. Please help me, I don't know what to do!


The good news is that you are not asexual (no desire) because you have had sexual desire in the past. People have already given you good advice on how to get your desire back.

Until your desire comes back, have sex with your husband enthsiatically.

I have no desire but have sex with my husband. My hand & mouth work just fine & he enjoys it. I also use a magic wand & have O's & my husband enjoys that in addition to intercourse. He loves dirty talk; do that also. 

So you see, even though I am not horny, as long as I have a pulse, I enjoy making love with my husband to satisfy his needs & I enjoy seeing his pleasure & making him happy.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

sugar girl said:


> Alright, so I just want to clear some thing up:
> 1. I have been off of birth control for 3 years now


Good. That's probably not an issue at all.



sugar girl said:


> 2. I'm not religious at all, a complete atheist actually, I was just refering to my upbringing and the comunity I grew up in


So, you may have some lingering issues about sex from adolescence that you have to deal with. The good news is that you won't be constrained by any ideology that suppresses sex. The bad news is that you don't have to adhere to an ideology that insists marriages be sexual.



sugar girl said:


> 3. Yes at the beginning I wrote that if it were up to me I would never have sex again and then later said that I do feel like I want to have a fulfilling sex life. I'll explain: Think of someone whos anorexic, she has no desire to eat but clearly is aware that this is not good for her in any way and wishes thing were diffrent.


Fair enough. You want things to change. That's good.



sugar girl said:


> 4. I hear all of the advice and just because I'm questioning some of it that doesn't mean I won't take it. I'm still aloud to be a critical thinker when it comes to advice that will effect my love life


Yes. You should absolutely think about our advice and take at least some of it. Change necessitates action.



sugar girl said:


> 5. Love the suggestion of reading some sexy books, that sounds like fun, and the date thing, def. a keeper


Excellent. Get out there and make something happen.



sugar girl said:


> 6. I am not your wife so don't assume that you know what I think or how my husband feels. Each couple is diffrent, we are a very strong couple and have been through alot, I know we will make it through this too


Here, you need to be careful. Many people come to these boards and think they, or their marriage, is a unique snowflake that defies categorization. And it's just not true. People are people. We generally think the same way, want the same things, and react the same way to problems. Myers-Briggs identifies 16 personality types. That's it. Not 50, or 100, or 1,000. And those 16 personality types are fairly specific describing how a person thinks, feels, and acts.

So, I will admit that we don't know you or your husband personally. I don't know if your husband is an introvert or an extrovert, a problem solver, a procrastinator, an intellectual, or anything else. But I can tell you this with absolute certainty. A man who is denied sex by his wife is hurting. And he resents her for it. Every single one of us. We will react to that pain differently. Some will cheat. Some will divorce. Some will stick it out for the kids. Some will pray for a change of heart to overcome their wives. Some will silently seethe for years.

We want to spare you that. We don't want you to be surprised to be served with divorce papers, or to discover an affair. We don't want you to send your daughter off to college and for your husband to drive home a U-Haul the next day to follow her out. We want happy marriages to win out.

Good luck.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe the reason, per se is unimportant and this is simply the way things are now and for the future. Move on or move out.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> So, I will admit that we don't know you or your husband personally. I don't know if your husband is an introvert or an extrovert, a problem solver, a procrastinator, an intellectual, or anything else. But I can tell you this with absolute certainty. A man who is denied sex by his wife is hurting. And he resents her for it. Every single one of us. We will react to that pain differently. Some will cheat. Some will divorce. Some will stick it out for the kids. Some will pray for a change of heart to overcome their wives. Some will silently seethe for years.


I don't think we'd be too off-base in our perspectives on what her hubby might be feeling or thinking...he did suggest sex therapy, and I think a man has to be hurting and really wants to change things to suggest that.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> I don't think we'd be too off-base in our perspectives on what her hubby might be feeling or thinking...he did suggest sex therapy, and I think a man has to be hurting and really wants to change things to suggest that.


Sugar - You stated that since we don't know you or your husband, we can't speak for either of you. 

If you believe that, why are you unwilling to take up your husband's suggestion to get sex therapy so that the two of you can get individualized counseling and suggestions?


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## ObjectOfAffection (Jul 12, 2012)

I was in a similar situation with my STBXH.

I had no desire for sex anymore - my husband would ask what turns me on, and I couldn't answer him. I didn't know how to get turned on anymore. I wanted to want him, but I just didn't.

I thought my marriage was great and that was not the cause, but when I eventually saw a therapist, a lot of buried issues came out. These problems that I had pushed aside were affecting my desire for my husband.

I really recommend seeing a sex therapist. Also, seeing a doctor would be good too. As others have said leading a healthy lifestyle does not prevent medical issues from occurring. Visiting a physician and having a few tests run does not mean you have to go on medication.


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## sugar girl (Oct 11, 2012)

Hey, so guess what? Had sex last night! how bout that? Earlier yesterday we had a good talk about the whole situation and he was really happy that I'm looking into the whole thing and that I'm starting to take it seriously, and he said that no matter the outcome he sees I'm trying ect. He was really patient and loving. So later when he made a move(which he always does) I felt closer to him emotionlly and I didn't feel pressure to have sex because we had just talked about it. Honestly, I was going to turn him down, cause, altogh I wasen't in an anti mood I also wasn't feeling so turned on. But I thought that I'll try and see how it goes, and I'm happy I gave it a chance. The sex wasn't amazing, just okay, but the foreplay was nice and I think that maybe if I do try not to always say no that it will get better. 

Also, what I wrote about the having sex and faking it thing, I wasn't refering to faking an orgasm, I was reffering to having sex when you REALLY don't want too. If women want to have sex when they don't want who am I to judge, but I feel like ther'e is a big diffrence between not being in the mood and not wanting to have sex. I know it's hard for some of you to imagine, but think of a food that you hate and having someone serve that to you, would you eat it? If the food isn't your favorite dish you'll eat it, but if you hate it? So sometimes that's how it feels for us low/no sex drive ppl. 

Regarding the sex therapist, I said that at the begging I was against it, but now I would go but we can't afford it...

Runs like Dog- Like on your comment 

PHTlump- Thank you for your comment, love that you speak honestly but not spitefully, when I hear anger, I just tune it out

Also, I definatlly have some religious issues to work out, as for so many years all you hear is that sex is bad and dirty and if you sleep around your a terrible person and should in general be ashamed of you body. It's hard to undo so many years of this kind of thinking...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

sugar girl said:


> Hey, so guess what? Had sex last night! how bout that? Earlier yesterday we had a good talk about the whole situation and he was really happy that I'm looking into the whole thing and that I'm starting to take it seriously, and he said that no matter the outcome he sees I'm trying ect. He was really patient and loving. So later when he made a move(which he always does) I felt closer to him emotionlly and I didn't feel pressure to have sex because we had just talked about it. Honestly, I was going to turn him down, cause, altogh I wasen't in an anti mood I also wasn't feeling so turned on. But I thought that I'll try and see how it goes, and I'm happy I gave it a chance. The sex wasn't amazing, just okay, but the foreplay was nice and I think that maybe if I do try not to always say no that it will get better.
> 
> Also, what I wrote about the having sex and faking it thing, I wasn't refering to faking an orgasm, I was reffering to having sex when you REALLY don't want too. If women want to have sex when they don't want who am I to judge, but I feel like ther'e is a big diffrence between not being in the mood and not wanting to have sex. I know it's hard for some of you to imagine, but think of a food that you hate and having someone serve that to you, would you eat it? If the food isn't your favorite dish you'll eat it, but if you hate it? So sometimes that's how it feels for us low/no sex drive ppl.
> 
> ...


Sugar girl...

Every journey starts with a single step... 

Kudos.

Good luck on your journey.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Also, what I wrote about the having sex and faking it thing, I wasn't refering to faking an orgasm, I was reffering to having sex when you REALLY don't want too. If women want to have sex when they don't want who am I to judge, but I feel like ther'e is a big diffrence between not being in the mood and not wanting to have sex. I know it's hard for some of you to imagine, but think of a food that you hate and having someone serve that to you, would you eat it? If the food isn't your favorite dish you'll eat it, but if you hate it? So sometimes that's how it feels for us low/no sex drive ppl.


You're right, there is a big difference between not being in the mood, and not wanting sex. Women often have a responsive desire - they're not always in the mood for sex, but if they are open to it, they can be turned on through foreplay and can get in the mood.

Not wanting sex means you aren't open to it at all. Hate is a strong word...if you hate sex, you're either hating on your husband (hidden resentments can create an anti-sex environment), or you just hate sex, which is another issue entirely.

As you discovered, talking led to emotional closeness which led to you being open to sex. Great start! 

What else can you and your hubby do together that brings you close emotionally?


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I know how it is when the wife's sex drive goes to zero after a child.

My wife was like that, but we still have sex about 3 times a week, even though she can do with far less.

A sexless marriage is not a happy marriage. I would not be in a marriage without sex. Sex is one of the most important aspects of a good marriage in my opinion.

Either you have sex, give him a blowjob or handjob, or he will eventually cheat on you or leave you. That is if he's man enough to do it because some men will just take that abuse and not do anything about it. However, there's always a breaking point.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Or there isn't and it devolves into quiet desperation which is more or less what women in this scenario are aiming for. The loneliness of command sort of thing. You're the boss you're the decider well ok then, sit on your throne of skulls and have a nice day. 

For my part, living with this, I no longer care what you think do want need feel or say. Don't really care whether you live or die because if you vanished off the face of the earth today or died suddenly, it would amount to several tortuous weeks of paperwork. And that's it. 

You win at being a be-otch, collect your prize.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sugar,
We are - in a different place than you are. But in a way in the same place. 

Menopause took away a lot of my W's desire. Her "lust". It is also true that:
- I have a generally strong desire to please her "in life" and am good at doing so. She just likes being "with me" overall. 
- She realizes that pleasing me in bed is "important to me". That is sufficient for her. So she mostly wants to do it because "it is important to me". 

It helps that I can tell when she really doesn't want to. And when that happens my desire disappears because I don't want to do something I know she won't enjoy - at least "emotionally". 

That said, when I was younger and my drive was higher, this part of our marriage was sometimes stressful to her. 

I didn't whine, or beg. I simply was noticeably less warm if we went more than a day or two without. It wasn't a conscious choice, just a reaction to not feeling desired. And from the start, outside the bedroom she knew that she always came first so...

Different drives makes for some level of tension. 

I am not like your H. I would not have been ok with a lot of 'no I don't feel like it' when I was younger. We both would have found other partners fairly easily. Not what I wanted, and not what she wanted. 

Someone here said it well:
- She always felt safe having sex with me
- She never felt safe choosing not to have sex with me (not for a night, not when she was sick, but simply through a lack of commitment)





sugar girl said:


> Hey, so guess what? Had sex last night! how bout that? Earlier yesterday we had a good talk about the whole situation and he was really happy that I'm looking into the whole thing and that I'm starting to take it seriously, and he said that no matter the outcome he sees I'm trying ect. He was really patient and loving. So later when he made a move(which he always does) I felt closer to him emotionlly and I didn't feel pressure to have sex because we had just talked about it. Honestly, I was going to turn him down, cause, altogh I wasen't in an anti mood I also wasn't feeling so turned on. But I thought that I'll try and see how it goes, and I'm happy I gave it a chance. The sex wasn't amazing, just okay, but the foreplay was nice and I think that maybe if I do try not to always say no that it will get better.
> 
> Also, what I wrote about the having sex and faking it thing, I wasn't refering to faking an orgasm, I was reffering to having sex when you REALLY don't want too. If women want to have sex when they don't want who am I to judge, but I feel like ther'e is a big diffrence between not being in the mood and not wanting to have sex. I know it's hard for some of you to imagine, but think of a food that you hate and having someone serve that to you, would you eat it? If the food isn't your favorite dish you'll eat it, but if you hate it? So sometimes that's how it feels for us low/no sex drive ppl.
> 
> ...


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