# ***Referee Needed-please advice US***



## juztuz (May 5, 2010)

Most recent spat 

Feelings are one of those things that seem to either be an enhancement of the relationship (or any one person's feelings on the relationship) or a diabolical disaster. I am accused of being mean or having a mean strike that is uncontrollable, as according to my Husband. Background information on us is that we have essential been married for close to 4 years. Within those 4 years at time we have both admitted to being unhappy from time to time and both admittedly agreed that are unhappiness stems from actions or feelings caused improperly. 

The latest spat happened just now. As I type these very words I am contending to speak honestly, not slighting or projecting his or my position inaccurately. 
**
Please read the following account of what happened today and tell me what you think or who you feel more aligned with. We thank you. 
***** 
As of midnight I turned 26 (female), my husband is two years my senior. As of midnight and twenty minutes my hubby surprised me with a birthday cake, card and a pre-birthday gift (blender). At that point I articulated my sincere appreciation for this gift. I knew he listened or recalled me saying I desired a better blender because I enjoy making smoothies, so that made me feel good. Also, subsequently after this gift exchange I began or further felt bad (I have a condition in which I get fatigue, pass out, heart palpitates and etc... dependent on certain variables). Any who, I was not feeling well and so I told my Hubby. He said okay and proceeded to ask if I wanted supper at our favorite local restaurant. Even though I wanted to go I declined because of not feeling well. At this point my Husband said he would go and bring me back something. I said I would like for him to stay home and make me a grill-cheese sandwich. He declined professing that the restaurant would make a better one. After pleading through text message he stayed at home. I was happy he decided to come back and awaited his return to the bedroom to snuggle or tend to me. 
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Upon his return home he offered to fix me a slice of my bday cake or food. I declined out of angry that he did come sit/lay with me---because obviously I was still hungry. The cake would have made me feel worse, even though I can’t wait to have a slice. But, food I would have loved. 
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My Husband spent the next 4 hour watching a tv series on the computer and eating the dinner he made just for himself. All the while I was sleep. 
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Once my Husband came into the bedroom to sleep, I opened my (perhaps big) mouth and vocalized how I felt. And then all hell brook loose. I explained to my Husband that I wanted his time and affection (on top of dinner because I had not eaten since much earlier). I proceeded to explain how I did not understand why he did not make me any food or why he did not come into the bedroom with me instead of watching television. Being that it is my birthday I explained that at least today of all days I wanted and thought I should have gotten special treatment. 
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However, he did not understand my point of view, proclaiming that I was overreacting, thinking/acting illogical for wanting him to spend time or make dinner for me. My Husband said that “ how can you spend time with someone when they are sleep”? Granted I would have easily and eagerly woken up--especially since I was and still am hungry. He proceeded to accuse me of having a problem (suggestively a mental one) in which I had a mean strike and “feel the need to press from time to time”. At this point I expressed my gratitude for his gifts but also pointed out my need for attention/affection/consideration. He Husband said,” that I am coming right back, what does 15 minutes matter, that I would have gotten his attention afterward”. He then conceded that if I unhappy I should leave permanently –this is something that we have both said toward each other during different times of the relationship. My Husband feels that I make him seem like the bad guy. I have some issues with my Husband being truthfully because of past instances were he has blatantly lied to my face—not about cheating. Moreover, typically about money, whereabouts, formed friendships and one past sexual rendeavous that happened before we met but unfortunately I saw it within two weeks of us forming a relationship (4 years ago). 
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He explained that birthday or not he was not going to back down from this argument because he really disagreed with me. 
Also, he proceeded to say that if I really feel like he is inconsiderate that I will find out just how inconsiderate he can be. Mine you as I explained to my Husband I appreciate (d) his gifts. I have never been the type of person or female that valued possessions over intimacy/time spent (Never, and he would agree). I further explained that my request did not cost him anything but his time. Oh, by the way our sex (intimacy) life is inadequate because as he explains it--it is difficult to be with me intimately because of me not trusting him and from what he feels me “putting him down”. But, I never intentionally or unintentionally voice anything that I mean as a put down. 
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At this point in our relationship I realize that in any relationship risks are posed and inevitable. Therefore, I have more faith/trust in him and us that if things are meant they will be. God made it possible for our paths to connect and I know that the only beings that can sabotage that is us. So, if either of us should destroy or disrespect our union we are to blame. But, if we both walk in God's light things are bound to blossom. This is how we feel. 
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We are searching for feedback that may shine light unto how two people could see (or feel) so differently about a situation ---but yet both feel unloved. 
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In his eyes I am illogical and mean. And in mine he is inconsiderate, mean and detached. At the same time he is so much more things than those negative ones--he is a Man who makes me laugh, protects my back, teaches me new concepts (how to be less resistant or show care to others, be easier going and etc…), dreams the same dreams and mirrors my positions (opposite/opposing in many but complimentary. 

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Jill Scott sang it best " is it the way you love me"...to suggest their is a particular way to love a person is profoundly accurate. How can we get these through our heads? What places are our feelings coming from that dictates our thoughts than structures our actions?


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Is it possible that you sometimes expect him to read your mind? It sounds like he was trying to make you happy on your birthday, but you were upset with him for not knowing what you wanted... maybe just try working on communicating what you want instead of expecting him to know how you feel would help avoid fights


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

man here:
-you didnt feel well and went to sleep and you still expected him to tend to you?
-he reached out on your birthday with the gifts and wanted to get you dinner but you still got angry? 
-you told him you wanted a better present right then when he gave it to you?


hmmmmmmmmmm


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

juztuz said:


> After pleading through text message he stayed at home. I was happy he decided to come back and awaited his return to the bedroom to snuggle or tend to me.
> ----
> Upon his return home he offered to fix me a slice of my bday cake or food. I declined out of angry that he did come sit/lay with me---because obviously I was still hungry. The cake would have made me feel worse, even though I can’t wait to have a slice. But, food I would have loved.


I have to agree with Blonddeee on this one...based on the above it seems he attempted to fix you food, which you say you wanted, but to him you declined. It seems you were sending very mixed signals and going to watch TV may have been his way to leave you be as he probably had no idea what you expected him to do.

I would recommend you read 'The 5 Love Languages' ... it may help you both to better understand each other's needs.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Sounds like some major communication issues, and putting assumptions on the other person. You were not mean, just not very good at explaining your wishes clearly, he was not mean either, he was apparently trying to be nice but gave little patience to what seems like a difficult situation. 

If you love each other, get in counseling and work through this. I think your marriage can well be saved if you both want it to and are willing to each do your part in making it better and learning good communication skills.


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

Have to agree here that is sounds like you were being a bit illogical, though i don't think i would say mean. If you wanted him to come lie down with you, you should have asked him to do so. if you wanted dinner, you should have specifically asked for what you specifically wanted.

Stop and ask yourself honestly--how was he supposed to know any of these things? You can't legitimately get angry at someone for not doing something that you didn't tell them you wanted--in fact, in this case, just the opposite. Many people, including myself, just want to be left alone when they don't feel well.

Anyway, that's my two cents'.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He wanted to take you out to dinner at half past midnight?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

turnera said:


> He wanted to take you out to dinner at half past midnight?


dang i missed that, surely not. maybe they keep odd hours


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You began your story with a bunch of philosophical mumbo jumbo, ended the story with it, and riddled the story all through with more of the same. You will have to get over yourself because all your reasons and philosophies mean nothing without action. 

You don't express yourself very well, so your husband is naturally confused. I am confused trying to read the story. And, you need to learn to listen. When your husband tells you "_it is difficult to be with me intimately because of me not trusting him and from what he feels me “putting him down”_ it is not his imagination. Therefore, it is not helpful for your response to be "_But, I never intentionally or unintentionally voice anything that I mean as a put down._ That accomplishes nothing because his complaint fell on your deaf ears. If you could apply your philosophies with action behind them, then he would never have to repeat his complaints or re-experience your poison tongue.

Understand that your intentions and the affect of your words have nothing to do with each other. They are mutually exclusive. If you listened to him, you would understand that you offend him whether you intended to be offensive or not. But you don't listen. Philosophy in action means you will construct ways to apply the principles and standards. Otherwise, they are just empty, action-less words. You might want to stop blowing him off when he tells you things. Yes, in effect you are blowing him off before you declare from the rooftops "that is not my intention."

This site will be very helpful to you both.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> You began your story with a bunch of philosophical mumbo jumbo, ended the story with it, and riddled the story all through with more of the same. You will have to get over yourself because all your reasons and philosophies mean nothing without action.


:iagree:

I think Susan hit the nail on the head...


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

An insensitive man would not remember that you'd said you wanted a better blender and then got you that for your birthday, or got you a cake, or wanted to take you to dinner, etc... Those are the actions of someone who cares about you and wanted to make you happy on your birthday. From what your post said, you did not say that you asked him to snuggle with you.

Your actions said that what he did for you wasn't good enough. In my opinion, when someone gives you a gift or doesn't something nice for you, you should be gracious, not nit-pick it. If this is how it always goes, then he is going to get to the point of saying "why try at all, it won't be good enough anyway".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That reminds me of my Evil Stepmother, for whom my dad saved up $5000 to get her the top of the line sewing machine for Christmas one year. She opened it, my dad was crying out of joy for what he was able to do for her, and she smiled, and said "That's really nice! It's not the one I wanted, but it's really nice!"

Then he was just crying. And I wanted to hit her over the head.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

:iagree: w/ Happy Her's assessment.

this post was hard to read Referee, very sketchy to say the
least.

you were both right n wrong w/ assumptions n reactions.

thanks 4 sharing also, turnera. now i dont feel so bad for

my wifes minor renditions.

cb45 over n out-----------------------------------:sleeping:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I pretty much mirror what everyone else has said here in replys. You tell him you was hungry, then you wasn't , he seemed very willing to take care of your hunger, I doubt he realized it offended you THAT much that he wanted to get your Grilled Cheese at a Restaurant, probably thinking of you & admitting he is a lousy cook -is all. And beings it was your birthday , you deserved "the Best grilled cheese". 

Then all this talk about feeling sick, not well, but still being hungry. Hmmmm. Wanted the cake, but didn't want the cake, but wanted REAL food instead. How was he to know this? Truly some mixed signals here. After all of this - any good man would have ASSUMED you needed some rest, so he gave you that. Men can not read our minds. 

Don't get me wrong, I sometimes want my husband to just "DO" and "BE" what I want too -like he should KNOW, even I get a little bent out of shape when he is "less" or falls short. But I have learned I need to "Stop"! Realize he is simply oblivious to what I am thinking so I know it is not really fair to "go off on him". 

You needed to tell him you wanted to lay down BUT *would have enjoyed his company beside you. * If only this was expressed. If you had done that, and he still went to watch TV (on your special day), I might see him as being "not as kind" but given how you was feeling & how you expressed it to him, I think he was "very reasonable" in his actions. 

I think your Primary Love Language is "Quality Time" -surely not gifts as you described this means little to you. Maybe He simply does NOT realize this . But was trying the best "he could" .

Just as maybe you do not realize his #1 love language may be "physical touch" or Words of Affirmation (many times this is Praise for the little things) over Quality time, so you end up misundestanding each other -because you both "think" and "express" Love differently. 


Here is a link to a thread I started on this, it has a "test" of our Love Languages to see what is MOST important & down the line percentage-wise least important -to us personally. Learning this may help our spouses see what makes us come alive & keep the happiness flowing each & every day.  


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


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