# Failed Marriage But Will Continue At It



## Chicagomom (Jan 25, 2009)

Hello. I'm new here. Here are my stats: I've been together with my husband for 16 years and married for 10 years. We have four young children (twin infant boys, a toddler son, and preschooler daughter). It's always chaotic in our house which hasn't helped our failed marriage. 

I'm writing just for some general feedback. After reading this, I know many of you would recommened immediate divorice, but it's not going to happen anytime soon. We have too much invested ...... our young children, our home, fear of being alone, etc. So, has anyone seen or known a marriage to be this bad and yet things have turned around some time later? I know all marriage has ups and downs, but we're constantly down, EXTREMELY down.

My husband and I aren't compatible. This is my marriage in a nutshell and why I see that it's not working:

- His negative attitude. If he's in a bad mood (which seems like always), he doesn't want anyone else to be happy. If the kids and I are playing happily, he'll do anything deliberately to stomp on that moment
- If I set a goal (even the smallest thing) like I want to cut my son's hair today or I want to research refinancing rates online, he'll always find something negative about how I won't be able to reach it
- He never compliments me on accomplishments or if I'm dressed up or whatever. I've given birth to four children and he's never once grabbed my hand lovingly and said "good job". He was practically falling asleep in the laboring room during the birth of our twins. I've received several promotions at work and have completed a demanding religious study class. Never once a compliment. Never once a congrats when I earned two Master's degrees. Now that I'm a stay-at-home-mom and have very little time to myself, it's a RARE occassion that I'm all decked out with a nice outfit, makeup, nails, and hair done. I attended a professional event and I thought I looked really good. When I came out of the bedroom from getting ready in my black dress, heels and makeup, hair, nails, etc. done, my husband looked at me and turned the other way. He PURPOSELY did not look at me. He PURPOSELY didn't want to give me the time of day. He never sees me like that, and on the rare occassion that he does, he didn't compliment me. Even on our anniversary when we went out and I was again decked out, NO COMPLIMENTS to me. He was only focused on himself and how he looked in his tie.
- He never takes initiatives to get out without the kids. He never calls my Mom, his mom, or our friends to babysit and for him to plan a date for us. He's just never done it.
- He never praises me or gives me credit when I've worked really hard on something. I used to praise him and compliment him all the time. After several years, I stopped doing it to him because he never reciprocated. 
- He WON'T listen to me when I have a concern. I try to bring something up calmly that's a concern (e.g, he left the refridgerator open or he's screaming at the kids too much), he tells me that I'm badgering him and to leave him alone. He has no communication skills nor does he care about things that upset me. He'll repeatedly say, "Are you done yet?" or "Can we move on?" without fixing the problem.
- He doesn't repsect me, the kids, or our home. After bringing up a concern that I have to him, he'll say that I'm badgering instead of trying to make it right. He ALWAYS disrespects me by turning his back on me and walking away right when I'm mid-sentence.
-Even if it's something neutral to discuss (e.g, the bills, mortgage or whatever), and I approach him, he won't stop what he's doing (e.g, making a sandwhich or rinsing out the coffee pot) to listen to me. If I don't grab that opporutnity to talk to him, then we don't get to talk if the kids are in the room. So, he says that he needs to multitask and that I need to "get over it" if I don't get eye-contact from him.
- He never accepts fault and shifts the blame to me all the time. 
- He has a careless attitude about me, the kids, and our home.
- The only things that he respects in life are his mother, his job, and his eye-glasses. God forbid something happen to his eyeglasses. He's struck my 4-year old daughter with an open hand hard and it left a red-mark on her face when he tried to take his glasses off his face.
- He's a phony to his parents, people at work, anyone in public. He shows the utmost respect for anyone but his own family (wife & Kids). He DOES show respect to his parents and siblings though.
- When there's a success, he takes credit; when there's a failure, he blames me.
- He freaks out under stress and screams, yells, man-handles our children. He's made our 4-year old daughter practically bipolar. She has outbursts of rage and then she's timid. She's nervous and bites her nails. I praise and praise and praise her all day when he's not home to build her confidence. My husband has missed that life lesson..... He doesn't owe compliments or praise to anyone but himself.
- Steve never seeks resolution for a fight or argument even when I'm crying. He'll walk away, be a jerk, and let time pass. He knows that tactic hasn't worked a million times in the past. He'll wake up the next morning and think that we could let the previous night go without resolution. He likes to sweep things under the rug.
- If I give him a simple request, "Hon, will you call Walmart for me to see what time they're open until?"....if I'm tied up with one of the babies, he'll REFUSE. It's a burden on him.
- He's very spiteful too.....he'll do/say just the opposite of what I'm expecting him to do/say just to chap my hide.
-He NEVER plays with the kids or reads to them, etc. His downtime is for him only, he thinks, and he gets to watch TV during that time.
- He has no patience. One time my 4-year old was crawling on him while he was in the rocker/recliner. She sat on the arm of the chair and wasn't giving him enough space, so he shoved her off with his elbow. She landed butt-first on the ground and landed on a wooden block and started crying. There was a big bruise there the next day. Then, when I confront him about it, he tells me that I didn't see what I saw and not to bud in. He does this all the time. Like when he struck her across the face, he told me that I didn't see that either. I've heard him yell at one of my infant twins for crying so much in the middle of the night. I've heard him call my children, you GD kids!" (cursing)
-He doesn't say "thank you". If it's something that I bent over backwards to do or if my parents or friends did something kind, he doesn't say thank you. I nudge him a little, then he gets pissed. He for sure won't say "thank you" then.

I'm sure you get my point by now. I'm NOT saying that I'm a saint, but I've certainly tried to make it work. I constantly try to communicate and talk about our marriage....successes and failures alike, and his attitude is, "How long is this (conversation) going to take?" or "Are you through? because I gotta move onto to other things")

Out of everything I've previously mentioned, I don't know which the worse.....lack of communication, lack of respect.....they're all key ingredients to a successful marriage. 

After he won't listen to me and gives me his back and if I'm crying and he still doesn't care and walks away, I've reduced myself to hitting him or throwing things. I've done this too when he's struck my 4-year old when it wasn't necessary. Then, he does it back. He initiates it too, he'll shove me or grab my arm. We've had countless bruises, scratches, scars, etc. that we've given to each other. Then the tempers flare and there's higher screaming volumes, cursing, name-calling, we get off-topic and hate eacher. I want to seek resolution or an apology, he acts like its a joke and/or runs away.

So now it's all out in the open. We have had happy-times as a couple and as a family, but usually Dr. Jeckly and Mr. Hyde kicks in, and he turns mean. Something sets him off. My kids are happy all day with me too. When my husband gets home, though, there will be a few moments of happiness and then again something will set him off or inconvenience him and he'll start yelling, screaming at the kids. I hate walking on eggshells all the time.

I know many of you will want to write back with "DIVORCE", but what I'm really wanting to know is if there's any way to make our home and ourselves happier knowing that he won't change? 

I've read a couple things over the years.... once it gets to the physical level in fights, you can kiss your marriage good-bye. So, I already know that. I've also read that if you can't change your spouse, change yourself to live in harmony. I've tried to change myself for a period of time.....I handled EVERYTHING and wore myself out...I didn't speak my feelings to him, I took care of the house, the kids, didn't bring up my concerns, made him dinner, cleaned, took care of the kid's school stuff, extracurricular stuff, etc. I didn't have a moment to myself and I was no happier, and he didn't change when I did. Living your life where you can't speak your feelings because your husband doesn't want to hear them is no way to live. He's more than happy to hear compliments or praise or even neutral topics. If it's a concern that I have, though, he gives me the back and walks away.

Does anyone have any advice besides divorce or counseling? I'm not impressed with counseling success rates, and my husband would use those as sessions where he was defending himself and then trying to nail me to the cross instead of making it therapeutic.

Thanks in advance.


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

ChicagoMom:

I can relate, in part, to what you're going through. Counseling doesn't always help...

Therefore, I'd suggest checking out the following link, to see if it could help heal your relationship: 

Marriage Problems. Marriage Help. Marriage 911 for Problems.

I wish you the best in your efforts.


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## Chicagomom (Jan 25, 2009)

Forgot to mention a couple more things:

-Oh, the show that my husband puts on in front of his parents is enough to make anyone sick. He acts like "Husband and Father of the Year" when his parents are here. They usually stay with his for a few days 4 times per year.
-He does NOT pick up after himself. I keep the house neat and orderly all day and am constantly running after the kids picking up after them. I don't get a moment's peace. So, he comes home to a very tidy house at 6PM. When he gets home, I feel like it's his turn to pick up after kids and after himself. He doesn't. The house goes to complete shambles. He doesn't pick up after himself....empty garbage on the counter, crumbs on the counter, floors, rugs, food splatters everywhere, dirty dishes, dirty bottles, dirty laundry...the house goes to hell in the just the few hours that he's home from work every night and it's a monumental task to put it back together. Instead of ME being the one to pick up all the time, he needs to grow up and set an example for the kids. I have the kids pick up and/or I pick up after them. He doesn't do either nor does he pick up after himself.
-We don't sleep in the same room. He snores big-time and I've asked him countless times to go see a doctor about it so we can sleep together. Speaking of sleep together, we RARELY have sex.

Just recorded him a minute ago saying, "You f------ kids" and you "GD kids" and screaming at the top of his lungs at them. I'm going back upstairs to intervene for my children's safety. Instead of calming down when I get there and bring up my concern about him cursing and yelling at the kids, he says, "Good, YOU TAKE OVER NOW" in a nasty voice and then he runs away. I wanted to have this on tape in the future to show how mean he is....maybe to him, maybe to his parents, to a lawyer, who know. You'd NEVER catch me using that language to my kids even if I had a brutal day. This is a Sunday. He hasn't been with them all week like a stay-at-home mom does. Even so, a stay-at-home mom wouldn't say that. Why would he?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chicagomom-

Yes this situation can be saved, but first there are some things I've got to tell you.

1)First and foremost. Even if you feel you would never divorce him, it's bad to let him know that. In fact it's bad to even tell yourself that. The reason is simple. It sends the message to him and yourself that he can get away with anything. You must sit down on mediate on this one question: What is your line in the sand?

2)I came from a home where my step dad was always angry because he was addicted to amphetamines. He kicked us he hit us with sticks the whole damn thing. I used to wish he would crash his car, or my mum would just leave him. By condoning his behaviour, you are putting your children's lives at risk which is another reason to have a line in the sand. It's not about having a shiny badge that says I stuck with my marriage no matter what.

Phew... with that out of the way, I can finally speak.

It is not that you are incompatible, it is that his behaviour is angry unloving and clearly the actions of someone who is depressed. He sounds like the sort of person who feels things so deeply, that were he in a joyful mood, he would be very loving guy.

So I've got to ask two questions:

1) When and why did he go downhill?

2) You've given us your list of complaints, what would be his top 3 gripes about you?


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

Why would you stay with someone like that? He is an abuser and sounds like he couldn't care less about his family. I am currently married to someone who has a hard time communicating, which is hard to deal with. That problem can be dealt with, but only if the person's intentions are good. Not so with your husband. He sounds like and angry, bitter soul.

I bet it would be impossible to get this guy into counseling, he sounds stubborn, like he thinks everyone else has the problem, not himself. It still might be worth a try. If anything, you should go alone. 

Believe me, your kids probably can't stand him either and would rather you be divorced. Don't stay for the kids. They need to know you care about them enough to change this situation. Everyone deserves to be happy.


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## Chicagomom (Jan 25, 2009)

MarkTwain - Thanks for your response..You asked when our marriage went down hill. We dated for close to 7 years before we got married. He went to grad school, I went to grad school. We both got jobs and were establishing our careers before we got married. So, the first several years of dating were fine. He was never over the top and didn't sweep me off my feet (hate to say it), but there were some good qualities that I saw in him. I was too young and naive to figure out that we'd be seriously butting our heads if we continued in our relationship. We had bad arguments right before we got married....always about his mother. She seemed to "hands-on" and he wasn't the type to wrap his arms around me and say "this is my girl, mom. i love her and want her to be my wife." Instead, he always portrayed to his mom that she would always be the woman in his life that he respected the most. So, he'd show me and her that she came first. So, the fights always centered around her. Then, years later after we were married and started having kids, that's when stress levels really escalated.

What's his top three that he doesn't like about me? #1 He thinks I badger him.....I explained that I don't. I try to get my point across because he WON'T listen and shuts down when I have a concern. So, then I keep talking to get my point across, and he keeps showing disrespect like he could give a crap. Then, temper flares when I've taken every measure to communicate and he won't. #2 Another thing....he's intimidated by my Dad and doesn't like me to consult with him about our home problems that much. My Dad is very skilled, intelligent, and is a real man....he provided without complaining, he would defend my Mom's honor to anyone, he'd defend his family and children, he takes time to do things with his family, he takes initiative, he's not afraid to talk to people (my husband avoids talking to people like the plague and puts on the "shy" act outside of our house, but he's definitely not shy behind closed doors), my Dad would take care of problems around the house without having to be asked (or begged), he's a problem-solver and helps his family in times of need, he's there for you when you need him, my Dad loves me with all his heart. My husband finds all of these things initimidating...especially that my husband isn't skilled. He rigs things around the house. He doesn't know anything about cars either. He has no desire to fix even the simple things that break around the house unless it's something that interests him and something that he wants to "experiment" with. He has no desire to keep up with home maintenance. He's not very skilled It's not his fault. He just didn't have a good role model growing up. So, when I consult my Dad (e.g, we've had a flood in our basement a couple times and my Dad helped to diagnose the problem), my husband gets totally pissed and feels intimidated. #3 The third complaint he'd have about me is that i don't give him enough time to do "manly things".... His fantasy world would be to go to work, stop at the bars after work and come home to a nice hot meal on the table and the kids would be sleeping. He wouldn't take into consideration that I didn't have a break ALL day as a stay-at-home mom. So, when I expect him to chip in a little at night or a little on the weekends (as part of my break), that's when he goes psycho and verbally abuses the kids. In the summer, he loves to come home and jump on the lawn mower (we have an acre so it ties him up for a while) so he doesn't have to deal with the kids. He likes to set up car appoinments on Saturdays so he doesn't have to be around to help out, etc. I don't get a break though and he never takes that into consideration. What about my break? What about my escape? I don't care who you are (super-Mom or not), EVERYONE needs some alone-time to regroup themselves.

SunnyGirl-thanks for your response too. I probably wouldn't leave him unless he cheated on me or physically abused the kids. I have too much invested time-wise and with our house and shared assets, I don't want to start over. I'm in my late 30s and carrying a few extra pounds too. Lastly and most importantly, I don't want a broken home for my kids. Yes, I'm not being fulfilled as a wife, but I'm a very happy mother. Somehow, the Mom part of me is filling my empty-wife void because I"m so busy with my kids. My kids, at their ages 4, 2, and infant twins, probably will love their dad unconditionally. Although they always run to Mommy and prefer to be with me, they do show that they want his love too. Even when he screams at them, curses at them, and he acts to them like they're the biggest thorn in his side, they still act like they love him. It's been so sad for me to watch my 2-year old hold up his arms wanting daddy to pick him up, and my husband has rolled his eyes or acted like my son has interrupted something drastically. I think I mentioned my daughter wanting to sit near him on the recliner, and she was too much in his space, so he elbowed her off the chair and she fell on her butt on a wooden block. Yet, they still love him. I'm always asking him to give them more attention, and he tells me that I'm badgering.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chicagomom-

I think I can see part of the problem. Yes this marriage can be saved, but one of you you is going to have to overcome this problem first. However, I'm not sure if you are willing to swallow your pride enough to achieve it. And he is even more proud than you.

I can't speak of what he should do, because I am only getting your side of things, but from your side, there is something that you are not doing. You are making no attempt to understand him. You are interpreting everything in terms of yourself, forgetting that he is not you. You both tick differently. You can't apply your rules to him and his rules to you. 

So I do see a way forward, but you won't like it.

But one last question. Tell us about your mother's personality, and how she interacted with your dad.


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

Any marriage can be saved if two people want it to happen. My thoughts about this are about your children. I'm confused. You say you would only consider leaving if he abused the children. Sounds like he already is. The rest of this is just about two adults.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I have to say, I can't imagine being in the position you are in, especially with such small children and babies. It breaks my heart just to hear the little you have told about how your husband treats your children. Of course they love him...they will always love him no matter what...he is their father. But they will not grow up to respect him. They will not grow up and even _like_ him. They will grow up always seeking his approval and acceptance and always feeling like they are failures.

I am not judging, and I am not telling you to leave him. But staying with your husband in the current circumstances will truly hurt your children. They will be shown daily, through his words and his actions, that they don't matter. They will be old enough one day to KNOW they not only weren't top priority to their father, but they didn't rank on his list at all. You know how that feels as the wife, imagine how that feels to your children.....your 4 year old, your 2 year old... Then compound that because they don't have the ability to understand it is HIS fault and not THEIRS. Yes, your children are feeling RIGHT NOW that it is their fault their Daddy doesn't like them, doesn't want to play with them, yells and curses at them. Children have a great way of internalizing everything, and turning it around so it is all their fault.

It sounds like you grew up with a fabulous father. Why would you allow your children to grow up daily with someone who doesn't even want to be around them? Do you really believe they don't feel that? 

I was not a priority to my father. I was like your children, where I didn't even rank on his priority list! Luckily, my mother separated from him before I have too many terrible memories or issues. I do have memories of waiting for him to pick me up. I would sit outside on the front door step waiting. Eventually I would lay down on the doormat, still waiting, and fall asleep. Finally I would agree to let my mother take me back inside. I don't remember any of the visits I actually had with him, but I do remember the times he never showed up. I was 3 years old. Needless to say, I wasn't his priority and it didn't take too long for the scheduled visits to quit. I have seen him twice in the last 30 years. And you know what? I have had a few Daddy issues growing up, but I finally understood it wasn't my fault. I am so thankful that I didn't have to grow up everyday seeing and feeling his apathy towards me. I didn't have to grow up constantly trying to get his attention or gain his approval. I didn't have to grow up getting yelled at, pushed aside, or being cursed at by my father. (Eventually my mother remarried to a man who thinks I walk on water...WOW...what a difference!)

Do you truly, deep down in your heart, feel you are doing your children a favor by staying just to "keep the family together"? I only bear a few scars left by my father and his actions towards me....how many will your children have after 18 years?

I am also a SAHM, and I understand how strongly you want to keep your family together. If it were me, I would give him the opportunity to make some changes. Counseling at the top of the list. I would give him a chance and make sure he knew it was his last one. Also remember....you are teaching your chilren RIGHT NOW what a marriage looks like. Do you want your sons to grow up and treat their wives this way? Do you want your daughter to grow up and marry a man just like her father? YOU are setting the example right now.

If he doesn't want to be around the children.....I certainly wouldn't be the one to force him to do it.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

Hi there

I have just read your post. I am in a similar situation but do not think mine is as bad as yours. I do think that I will leave my husband soon as I do not want to live like this forever. I keep saying wait until the time is right but the time is never right there is always something that crops up! I have a diary and note things down, not all things but more the bad ones, I also note down some of the good times as well so I can look back. I have been keeping a diary for nearly a year now and sometimes it breaks my heart to read it and what I am putting my children through. It really does affect them, members of my husbands family have even told me that it is affecting them. Last November I was in tears on my way to work and decided that day that I would give it six months, I am now through 3 of the months and know deep down that it will not work but I am the only one who can change this. My daughter knows what is going on and told me that she loves him but hates the way he is and there are times when i can see he has shattered her confidence, and I think my son might be going the same way.

I do seriously think it would be in your best interest before your children are much older to have a serious think about 1, what you want for your children 2, what you want for yourself. Do you want to live your life like that?

my thoughts are with you as I know it is not easy.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> but what I'm really wanting to know is if there's any way to make our home and ourselves happier knowing that he won't change?


No.

Leave. Or tell him to leave. That doesn't mean divorce, but it would mean you each have space, and safety, to decide how to approach a resolution or a dissolution.

Making no choice, is still making a choice - and it's a bad one. The recipe seems easy, behave in a loving, supportive and positive manner and you will be get the same from your spouse. But it doesn't work that way. Not if your spouse is 'broken' for whatever reason.
Take control for yourself and your kids, it is obvious that he feels out of control in terms of your marriage.


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