# Husband watches Cam Girls



## FriskyDingo (Oct 4, 2016)

I need help... words of wisdom... prayers... anything that will help me get past this feeling of betrayal and immense hurt that I have from finding out that my husband has watched cam girls during our 5 year marriage. We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me), we are both very talkative and friendly people, especially when we have been drinking. It came up in their conversation that she is a cam girl. I had never heard of this. He explained. I knew he watched porn on occasion and had no issue with that. This, however, is something new to me. I was stunned that it even existed. I asked if he went to these sites and he said "why wouldn't I?" I still was unclear about what this was, and his casual attitude about it showed that he clearly didn't think it was wrong. So I had him show me when we got home. He doesn't have a log in ID, he doesn't pay and he doesn't talk to or follow any one particular person. He just randomly surfs on the rare occasion that he is home alone and I'm not available. I explained to him that I am not ok with these sites and why: the live feed makes it way too personal, there's no difference from this and sexting with a stranger you meet IRL, the accessibility of talking to these women is too close for comfort, this is not a situation in which I feel our marriage is being protected... I went on and on. He saw how hurt I was and was devastated that he caused it. He didn't understand at first. To him, it is no different from traditional porn, but he recognizes that it is monumentally different for me. He respects that. He apologized profusely, said he never wanted to hurt me and said that he'd never go back to those types of sites again. He said all of the right things and I trust him explicitly. I believe him that he didn't think it would bother me and I believe him that he won't go back to these sites now that he knows how I feel. My problem is that while I understand all of this, the hurt I feel is overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about him watching these women and engaging in live sex acts with them online. I know he was the only one who could see them, but it still feels so disgusting and so wrong to me that the thought of it makes hurt so badly and even makes me physically nauseous. How do you forgive something that hurts you so deeply like this? How do you let go and move forward? I know he didn't cheat on me, but my God, it certainly feels like it and it is killing me. I'm trying so hard to get over it. I go from ok and rational (he wasn't hiding it, he truly thought it was ok, he is never going to do it again), to incredibly hurt, to so angry I could scream. I've read forum after forum on this topic and all of the men say "be the cam girl for him" but how can I do that when the entire time I'll be thinking about how he used to watch other women do the same thing? I've always know that sex is "fun" for men and "emotional" for women. I get that. But my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he engaging in live sex acts with them online, he has online accounts on some of the sites.

And no, you don't be the live cam girl for him. That's putting you in a degrading position. Him engaging is live sex acts is the same as him sexting. It's a form of infidelity that modern technology has created, as though we needed another way for people to cheat on their spouses.

There are several hurdles that you will need to get him to jump over. One is that he has to realize that from your perspective, he was sexting with other women online. He has to own that. Another is that he now has to prove to you that he can be trusted. After the experienced I have had with a husband who did something similar, I would not believe that he will not do this again. I would trust but verify. 

What does "trust but verify" mean? IT means putting a key logger on his computer that he cannot remove and you can monitor remotely. He has to prove to you that he can be trusted.

There are some good books on amazon about how to help a betrayed spouse heal. You both need to read it.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair:: How to Heal After An Affair

Have you asked him how he would feel about it if you did exactly the same thing with web cam men online? I'm sure that those sites exist.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FriskyDingo said:


> my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: *Do men ever have emotion in sex?* Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?


If you have been together for more than a year, then it is not "just sex" anymore for a man. In my opinion men desire sex to feel accepted (quite literally accepted into his wife) and close with their spouse. 

If you cut him off and reject him, it will make him turn to porn even more to self sooth. 

As for "live cam girl" porn, it is inescapable when surfing adult content. They pop up all over the place and are heavily advertised in a way that you are almost forced to see some of it in order to get any prerecorded adult content. I challenge you to surf porn for only a few minutes and then count the number of live cam shows that will pop up. 

While yes I do agree with @EleGirl that this interactive content is crossing the line of infidelity, if you are OK with your husband watching some occasional porn keep in mind that this type of content is aggressively forced upon those just looking for milder content and that it was unlikely that he was actively searching just for a cam girl.

Hope that helps,

Badsanta


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I agree that live cam girls crosses the line, and I'm fine with porn. But he didn't pay, or interact, he just watched. It sounds like he didn't mean to hurt you and didn't understand that it was a boundary for you. It's great that he has listened to your feelings and is making the changes necessary. I wouldn't say that's cheating. I would work on moving on and focusing on the positives in your marriage. It was nothing more than live porn to him.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

I highly doubt that it is a two way relationship between the two of them. In other words, there is no risk that the cam girl is going to steal your husband away, and it is unlikely he will fall in love with one of them. 

A man's most basic need is sex. He is just trying to keep this need filled. 

Have you thought about watching cam girls with him? I am sure there are lots of cam girls who are bisexual and who would love to play with a couple. Maybe it can be something you and him can do together? That way, you can be involved, and he wont be doing anything behind your back. 

Try and keep an open mind here. It will help.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Celes said:


> I agree that live cam girls crosses the line, and I'm fine with porn. But he didn't pay, or interact, he just watched. It sounds like he didn't mean to hurt you and didn't understand that it was a boundary for you. It's great that he has listened to your feelings and is making the changes necessary. I wouldn't say that's cheating. I would work on moving on and focusing on the positives in your marriage. It was nothing more than live porn to him.


I do not think he would have been so open about it if he had any idea you would feel the way you do and be hurt like you are. If he was up to something he knew was way out of line for you I doubt he gleefully would have gone home and gave you the tour.

As far as the comment about you being the cam girl, that is your call. I think it is NOT healthy to be in direct competition trying to copy what paid performers do.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

FriskyDingo said:


> I need help... words of wisdom... prayers... anything that will help me get past this feeling of betrayal and immense hurt that I have from finding out that my husband has watched cam girls during our 5 year marriage. We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me), we are both very talkative and friendly people, especially when we have been drinking. It came up in their conversation that she is a cam girl. I had never heard of this. He explained. I knew he watched porn on occasion and had no issue with that. This, however, is something new to me. I was stunned that it even existed. I asked if he went to these sites and he said "why wouldn't I?" I still was unclear about what this was, and his casual attitude about it showed that he clearly didn't think it was wrong. So I had him show me when we got home. He doesn't have a log in ID, he doesn't pay and he doesn't talk to or follow any one particular person. He just randomly surfs on the rare occasion that he is home alone and I'm not available. I explained to him that I am not ok with these sites and why: the live feed makes it way too personal, there's no difference from this and sexting with a stranger you meet IRL, the accessibility of talking to these women is too close for comfort, this is not a situation in which I feel our marriage is being protected... I went on and on. He saw how hurt I was and was devastated that he caused it. He didn't understand at first. To him, it is no different from traditional porn, but he recognizes that it is monumentally different for me. He respects that. He apologized profusely, said he never wanted to hurt me and said that he'd never go back to those types of sites again. He said all of the right things and I trust him explicitly. I believe him that he didn't think it would bother me and I believe him that he won't go back to these sites now that he knows how I feel. My problem is that while I understand all of this, the hurt I feel is overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about him watching these women and engaging in live sex acts with them online. I know he was the only one who could see them, but it still feels so disgusting and so wrong to me that the thought of it makes hurt so badly and even makes me physically nauseous. How do you forgive something that hurts you so deeply like this? How do you let go and move forward? I know he didn't cheat on me, but my God, it certainly feels like it and it is killing me. I'm trying so hard to get over it. I go from ok and rational (he wasn't hiding it, he truly thought it was ok, he is never going to do it again), to incredibly hurt, to so angry I could scream. I've read forum after forum on this topic and all of the men say "be the cam girl for him" but how can I do that when the entire time I'll be thinking about how he used to watch other women do the same thing? I've always know that sex is "fun" for men and "emotional" for women. I get that. But my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?


I know this is going to be hard for you right now, but you have to resist the urge to push him away because you are angry. He loves you. He isn't going anywhere. And even though it feels like he cheated, he didn't. Live porn is the new age of porn. It is everywhere. Surely it would be worse if he had gone out to a bar to flirt with women in person, right? 

Had he actually cheated on you with someone, then he wouldn't be the right guy for you. But he only watched a girl on a webcam. In the grand scheme of things, it will benefit your relationship so much better if you can just try and be cool about it. Ask him what he liked about it. Use this experience to get closer with your husband in the bedroom. Bond over it. This could really spice up the sex life between the two of you if you can wrap your head around what I am saying here.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

FriskyDingo said:


> We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me)


Yeah well to me it's weird. I go out with my girl and I talk to her, not some strange woman in a bar that's probably really hot since she's a cam girl.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, this is ridiculous. Telling her that he did not cheat and that live cam girls are ok.

Telling her to engage in this with him? You have got to be kidding me.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

WallaceBea said:


> And even though it feels like he cheated, he didn't. Live porn is the new age of porn. It is everywhere. Surely it would be worse if he had gone out to a bar to flirt with women in person, right?


 @WallaceBea

Except that's exactly what he did.

Are you reading the posts?

Specifically the part where they go out to a bar and he's "talking" with a cam girl?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

caruso said:


> @WallaceBea
> 
> Except that's exactly what he did.
> 
> ...


My bet is that he knew that who she was going into the place. I don't think he's told his wife the 'whole truth'.

There is a way to find out.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> My bet is that he knew that who she was going into the place. I don't think he's told his wife the 'whole truth'.
> 
> There is a way to find out.


I'm drawing a blank.

-ask cam girl?
-VAR in his car
-check his internet history and see if she's on any of the sites


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I can't believe what I'm reading here. I would be absolutely devastated if my husband did this! Watching, talking to and interacting with a woman doing sexual things live online??? Omfg no!!!!!

OP I feel terrible for you, I honestly don't know what I'd do in your shoes...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Occasional porn use wouldn't be an issue for me, but taking it into this would be an issue because frankly, I'd be mad at myself for not seeing earlier that I had married a sleazy guy. I just think sleazy guys do these types of things, and it's not something a wife ''needs to accept'' 

OP, sorry you're hurting.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Have you guys seen what cam girls sites are like? It's not that big of a deal, unless he was paying for private time. Usually cam girls don't engage in too much. They are just standing around and teasing while several men are in the chat room typing stuff. Many won't get naked or do anything sexual on the free sites unless a guy pays to take her to a private "room". OP said he wasn't paying. He wasn't chatting with the girls. 

If he was paying to have private sessions and had 1 on 1 interaction with the girls, my post would be different.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

caruso said:


> Yeah well to me it's weird. I go out with my girl and I talk to her, not some strange woman in a bar that's probably really hot since she's a cam girl.


I actually think this is the bigger issue. Why is he chatting up other women while he is out with you, OP?


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## FriskyDingo (Oct 4, 2016)

Celes said:


> caruso said:
> 
> 
> > Yeah well to me it's weird. I go out with my girl and I talk to her, not some strange woman in a bar that's probably really hot since she's a cam girl.
> ...


It's not like that. He actually thought she was a lesbian (very granola, not his type) and was just trying to talk politics with her while outside smoking. I was inside with friends. I joined him outside and he said, "she just told me she is a can girl!" Then he explained what that is because I said I didn't know. And here we are. We both like to talk to many different people while we are out with friends. Had this been a "date night" we would only be with each other.


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## FriskyDingo (Oct 4, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> caruso said:
> 
> 
> > @WallaceBea
> ...


It was my idea to go to that particular bar. He didn't know this woman prior. I only mentioned her because she is how the topic came up.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Sorry, I don't buy it.

I know this is the new age, but some things are always wong.
that includes engaging with other women for sexual gratification whether shes naked or not.

unless he's a dumbell, at some level he knows this.

Or maybe he's just too brainwashed by this wonderful 'new age'.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am curious how would you ladies feel if it was a recording of a cam girl?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would keep an eye out to make sure he won't be looking that girl up.


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## FriskyDingo (Oct 4, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I am curious how would you ladies feel if it was a recording of a cam girl?


Recording vs live is a big difference for me, mainly because of the accessibility to engage personally. To him, it is just porn. The live factor doesn't influence him at all.


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## FriskyDingo (Oct 4, 2016)

Lostme said:


> I would keep an eye out to make sure he won't be looking that girl up.


Not worried about that at all. She is not someone he would be attracted to.


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## FriskyDingo (Oct 4, 2016)

FriskyDingo said:


> Lostme said:
> 
> 
> > I would keep an eye out to make sure he won't be looking that girl up.
> ...


Although, I do wonder, and have not yet asked.... Would he look her up if he was attracted to her?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FriskyDingo said:


> Recording vs live is a big difference for me, mainly because of the accessibility to engage personally. To him, it is just porn. The live factor doesn't influence him at all.



Do you believe him when he says he didn't engage and just watched?


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

FriskyDingo said:


> It's not like that. He actually thought she was a lesbian (very granola, not his type) and was just trying to talk politics with her while outside smoking. I was inside with friends. I joined him outside and he said, "she just told me she is a can girl!" Then he explained what that is because I said I didn't know. And here we are. We both like to talk to many different people while we are out with friends. Had this been a "date night" we would only be with each other.


Ok. So it sounds like you trust your husband. Other than this issue, has he done anything else to cause you to doubt? If not, I would chalk this up to a lack of communication between you guys. Some think it's cheating and others do not. Same can be said about strip clubs. Some people are ok with just looking some aren't, some are ok with lap dances and some aren't. I would sit down with your husband and go over all your boundaries with him. Have an open and honest conversation. Maybe ask him what it was about the cam girls that got him going. Take him at his word.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> I am curious how would you ladies feel if it was a recording of a cam girl?


How would you feel if, when you were not home, your wife was masturbating to live videos of men? And then you went to a bar where she’s chatting up some guy who does live cam videos?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How would you feel if, when you were not home, your wife was masturbating to live videos of men? And then you went to a bar where she’s chatting up some guy who does live cam videos?


I don't know really if we were both talking with him and he wasn't attractive to her, I don't think I would care, if he looked like Brad Pitt maybe it would get to me a little. I don't know if you can tell but I have a healthy opinion of myself so I don't really get that jelous. :wink2: I always feel like if she cheats her loss.

I don't care if she watches videos of guys, porn or cam guys if she doesn't interact. To me it's just fantasy. As long as I am the priority (and in real life it is only me!) People masturbate, it is what it is. Porn is not real. Interacting with a live person now that is a different thing. However VR is coming and when it gets to the point that it's 3D looks real and you can interact then what do we do? Then it is not even a real person. Really this isn't much different then imagining with your own mind, except it isn't. Strange world. 

I guess what I am saying is it's not black and white. I get that people have urges. I think my wife lives more vicariously through books. I see it as just imagination. Now if she had an emotional relationship, I would ghost.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> I don't know really if we were both talking with him and he wasn't attractive to her, I don't think I would care, if he looked like Brad Pitt maybe it would get to me a little. I don't know if you can tell but I have a healthy opinion of myself so I don't really get that jelous. :wink2: I always feel like if she cheats her loss.
> 
> I don't care if she watches videos of guys, porn or cam guys if she doesn't interact. To me it's just fantasy. As long as I am the priority (and in real life it is only me!) People masturbate, it is what it is. Porn is not real. Interacting with a live person now that is a different thing. However VR is coming and when it gets to the point that it's 3D looks real and you can interact then what do we do? Then it is not even a real person. Really this isn't much different then imagining with your own mind, except it isn't. Strange world.
> 
> I guess what I am saying is it's not black and white. I get that people have urges. I think my wife lives more vicariously through books. I see it as just imagination. Now if she had an emotional relationship, I would ghost.


Part of my issue is that I was married to a guy who over time turned to porn and the internet to the point that it was his only sexual outlet. In watching what he did (via key stroke tracker) I watched what he really did and what he told me he was doing. He admitted to about 10% of what he was really up to. I also watched as he was slowly sucked into all that stuff... how slowly he had to up the anty. I'm very familiar with what the online porn, cam and sex world is like and how it sucks people in. That's the goal of the people who run those sites.. to create long term paying customers and they know how to play with guys to suck them in.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Part of my issue is that I was married to a guy who over time turned to porn and the internet to the point that it was his only sexual outlet. In watching what he did (via key stroke tracker) I watched what he really did and what he told me he was doing. He admitted to about 10% of what he was really up to. I also watched as he was slowly sucked into all that stuff... how slowly he had to up the anty. I'm very familiar with what the online porn, cam and sex world is like and how it sucks people in. That's the goal of the people who run those sites.. to create long term paying customers and they know how to play with guys to suck them in.


OK and I agree if that was all she did and we never had sex then that would be a big issue. I don't think that what I am describing is that though. If she masturbated in the morning when I was asleep to blow off steam and she looked at porn to get off then I wouldn't care. As long as she was not hiding it. Hell I may even kind of like that. Again my thing is personal intimacy, whether emotional or physical, is reserved for either her with herself, or her and me. And it is sacred between the two of us. As long as there is no real life interaction and it is all in her head then more power to her.

Frankly after reading these sites if that is all she did, I would know I am lucky.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@FriskyDingo

I'm sorry for the emotional pain that you are going through.

I'm also sorry that you have been told that it isn't cheating, that you should try to emulate the cam girls; so on and so forth.

I agree with you that it is cheating. From participating in these forums, I have come to realize that this is one of those, "there are two types of people in the world" issues.

IOW, there are two types of people in the world, those that think that porn is cheating, and those that don't think it is cheating.

^^^These two groups of people never see eye to eye.

No, he did not physically, technically, actually have contact with these cam women. But he experiences the emotional high and physical bliss with them that he would experience with you. The "naughty" aspect of using this type of "service", might make it even more exciting than being with you.

You're way ahead of me in feeling that "regular" porn is okay. I see regular porn as the first step.

My husband would have gone BALLISTIC if I had masturbated to naked pictures of other men, back when he was a porn user himself. That's how you know that they know that it's not okay and that it's a form of cheating.


I just wanted to hopefully comfort you a little with the reassurance that you are not alone. It's not like you are the most unattractive woman in the world, whose guy has to use porn to really get off; but the rest of us don't have that problem because our husbands love us so much.

Nope. Porn is ubiquitous at this point. And with the virtual reality technology that is being developed (already available somewhere I'm sure), it's going to get much, much worse. Or, "better" if you are a person who enjoys porn or makes money from it.


[[[hugs]]]:|


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @FriskyDingo
> 
> I'm sorry for the emotional pain that you are going through.
> 
> ...


Except that she said she doesn't think straight up porn is cheating. It's the interaction that upsets her. At least that is what I got from this post.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I don't think this is that serious, nor would I think it was that serious if she was doing it.


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## FriskyDingo (Oct 4, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> I don't think this is that serious


I'm starting to agree. Somehow seeing other people say negative things about my husband has had the opposite effect of what I feel was intended. I mean, "you" don't know him and using petsonal past experiences to pass judgment on him isn't ok, nor is it what I asked about. My original questions, while clouded in emotions, were about men and making love but I haven't heard much on that. I also asked for help in letting go of my pain. Please speak to those points if this thread continues. He is an amazing man, whom I am lucky to have, and he is human. He did not know this bothered me. Now he does and it will never happen again. I don't think I can engage in this with him, but I do feel more able to move on now. Thanks everyone for all of the input. Good or bad, it has helped me to process my emotions.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> You're way ahead of me in feeling that "regular" porn is okay. I see regular porn as the first step.





sokillme said:


> Except that she said she doesn't think straight up porn is cheating. It's the interaction that upsets her. At least that is what I got from this post.


Yeah, I acknowledged that she is okay with porn to an extent.

Her emotional pain is over the interaction. "Interaction" means some type of exchange between two people. That's where the feeling of being cheated on may be entering the picture.




> My original questions, while clouded in emotions, were about men and making love but I haven't heard much on that. I also asked for help in letting go of my pain.


 @FriskyDingo

I think men overall, by and large, prefer f.cking, not making love. Because making love is tender and full of emotions of connectedness.

F,cking is more animalistic and about getting off.

Only you can judge where your husband falls on that spectrum. Probably somewhere in the middle, like most people.

I'm sorry I can't help you in letting go of the pain. The best I can come up with is to learn some emotional detachment from your husband sexually.

To not feel any emotion; you must detach.

The downside is, when you learn to feel less pain--you will also be less capable of feeling happiness. Is that worth it to you?

I think someone upthread suggested watching the cam porn with him. Would that work? Although I think you watching it with him kind of defeats the purpose for him.....but maybe not---maybe he'd like you to join him when he watches it.

Sorry if I seemed to be attacking your husband. That wasn't my intention, my intention was to support you.

Best wishes and good luck.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FriskyDingo said:


> I'm starting to agree. Somehow seeing other people say negative things about my husband has had the opposite effect of what I feel was intended. I mean, "you" don't know him and using petsonal past experiences to pass judgment on him isn't ok, nor is it what I asked about. My original questions, while clouded in emotions, were about men and making love but I haven't heard much on that. I also asked for help in letting go of my pain. Please speak to those points if this thread continues. He is an amazing man, whom I am lucky to have, and he is human. He did not know this bothered me. Now he does and it will never happen again. I don't think I can engage in this with him, but I do feel more able to move on now. Thanks everyone for all of the input. Good or bad, it has helped me to process my emotions.


OP I suggest you watch a cam girl without interacting with her and from that I think you will be able to decide how much different from scripted porn.

Also I don't think porn is anything at all like sex, porn and masturbation are a very solitary activity. Though I could never separate sex from love. So I might not be the one to ask. Yes we exist.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Cheating? Nah. Pervy? Definitely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

I don't think it's cheating as well. He just needs to quit watching the cam. Watching porn is necessary at times but interacting with the cam girls is more than necessary. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

OP to me it would be cheating. If your husband was truthful about thinking it was all just fine then why did he not bring this up with you sooner? 
Would be a major hurdle to get over if it happened here, there are some things that are just fine if single but not fine when in a committed relationship.

Would he be happy for you to be a cam girl? Would he be OK if you were interacting with other men? This line should have been drawn well before you got married, he has been lying by omission to you the whole marriage which means he knows what he was doing was cheating.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FriskyDingo said:


> I need help... words of wisdom... prayers... anything that will help me get past this feeling of betrayal and immense hurt that I have from finding out that my husband has watched cam girls during our 5 year marriage. We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me), we are both very talkative and friendly people, especially when we have been drinking. It came up in their conversation that she is a cam girl. I had never heard of this. He explained. I knew he watched porn on occasion and had no issue with that. This, however, is something new to me. I was stunned that it even existed. I asked if he went to these sites and he said "why wouldn't I?" I still was unclear about what this was, and his casual attitude about it showed that he clearly didn't think it was wrong. So I had him show me when we got home. He doesn't have a log in ID, he doesn't pay and he doesn't talk to or follow any one particular person. He just randomly surfs on the rare occasion that he is home alone and I'm not available. I explained to him that I am not ok with these sites and why: the live feed makes it way too personal, there's no difference from this and sexting with a stranger you meet IRL, the accessibility of talking to these women is too close for comfort, this is not a situation in which I feel our marriage is being protected... I went on and on. He saw how hurt I was and was devastated that he caused it. He didn't understand at first. To him, it is no different from traditional porn, but he recognizes that it is monumentally different for me. He respects that. He apologized profusely, said he never wanted to hurt me and said that he'd never go back to those types of sites again. He said all of the right things and I trust him explicitly. I believe him that he didn't think it would bother me and I believe him that he won't go back to these sites now that he knows how I feel. My problem is that while I understand all of this, the hurt I feel is overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about him watching these women and engaging in live sex acts with them online. I know he was the only one who could see them, but it still feels so disgusting and so wrong to me that the thought of it makes hurt so badly and even makes me physically nauseous. How do you forgive something that hurts you so deeply like this? How do you let go and move forward? I know he didn't cheat on me, but my God, it certainly feels like it and it is killing me. I'm trying so hard to get over it. I go from ok and rational (he wasn't hiding it, he truly thought it was ok, he is never going to do it again), to incredibly hurt, to so angry I could scream. I've read forum after forum on this topic and all of the men say "be the cam girl for him" but how can I do that when the entire time I'll be thinking about how he used to watch other women do the same thing? I've always know that sex is "fun" for men and "emotional" for women. I get that. But my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?


I'm sorry but this is cheating. I wonder how he would feel if you engaged in sex acts with online cam males? Ask him if he would be ok with that? I bet he would not. Of course you are very hurt because this is a betrayal, the one thing that is reserved for you and him he is engaging in with strange women. You should be downright angry. I would suggest you separate for a while either inhouse or out of house so that you can take time to think straight, get yourself calm. A man who doesn't understand why this is betrayal has some serious issues and you have to consider whether your value system and his value system are compatible. He also has to realise the damage he is doing. I imagine long term porn use will also so damage to your marriage. Do NOT rug sweep this issue, let him feel the consequences.

You probably both need IC and maybe MC


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

FriskyDingo,

Like I've mentioned before on TAM, pornography of any kind is destructive to a marriage in the long run, especially if done in secret. 

My wife and I share a no porn rule and no masturbation without the other's permission first. This allows her and I to fulfill each other's needs first.

Most members of TAM do not agree with this perspective and don't see the harm pornography has wrought on marriage.

Keep in mind marriage was designed and ordained by God, not by unchurched liberals (a tautology).


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

What stands out from your OP is how shocked you were when your husband described what web cam girls do. I think what may be going on is that you are now thinking if he does this (shocking thing) what else is he doing that I don't know about....imagination runs wild.

Here's the thing you should think about. Everyone has their own boundaries and line of what makes you uncomfortable and what interferes with a happy relationship. Some will be no porn rule, some will be ok with moderate porn, some love porn, some ok with cams, some even ok with their partners having sex with other people! You have to work out where your lines are and tell your husband straight as to what you find acceptable and what crosses the line. He has the choice as to whether he accepts those conditions or not, there maybe room for negotiating but you have to come to some kind of agreement. 

It is not for anyone else, either on TAM or within your own marriage, to tell you where you should draw the line.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Whilst some might argue that online infidelity is different to 'IRL' infidelity, research would suggest that _the effects on the person being cheated on are the same. _

In a study carried out in 2013 by Texas University on Facebook Infidelity, it was found that individuals whose partners had cheated online experienced the same feelings of shock, anger, hurt and a loss of trust in their partners as those whose partners had cheated 'IRL.'

Just because this happened online, your response and feelings are no less valid than had it happened 'IRL.'


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Glad to see you have chosen not to overreact OP. Of course men feel love and emotion during sex. They also have several times the testosterone levels women do, which is why women often can't wrap their heads around male sexuality.

As for getting over the pain, talk to your husband. Get his perspective. Ask him for help in getting through this. Check out those cam girl sites on your own. You will see how little interaction there is if you aren't paying money. I was actually surprised when I checked them out for the first time.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

BadSanta is right about this live stuff being heavily pushed at porn sites. I have never clicked because why would I want to watch some unknown girl who will do who knows what, when I have a plethora of recorded content that has been upvoted, edited, and categorized for me. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if some of these live ads are phony and not really live. If he didn't interact or pay, I don't see how this is any different from all the other porn he could stream to his screen, other than he has no idea if it will be any good or what is coming next. I don't see the problem if there is no interaction. Would it be as bad if it was a prerecorded cam girl?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

wantshelp said:


> BadSanta is right about it this live stuff being heavily pushed at porn sites. I have never clicked because why would I want to watch some unknown girl who will do who knows what, when I have a plethora of recorded content that has been upvoted, edited, and categorized for me. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if some of these live ads are phony and not really live. If he didn't interact or pay, I don't see how this is any different from all the other porn he could stream to his screen, other than he has no idea if it will be any good or what is coming next. I don't see the problem if there is not interaction. Would it be as bad if it was a prerecorded cam girl?


This is my personal opinion too. I remember reading on another forum that the general consensus was porn ok webcams definitely not ok because of interaction. A couple of years ago I looked at a pre recorded webcam out of curiosity. What struck me is how boring it was. Not remotely erotic and she seemed to be spinning it out to get as much money from the customer as possible sleeping: and sympathy for the poor guy that was getting fleeced). The video quality was also abysmal. My husband being a techie, agreed that he couldn't sit through the poor quality when there is absolutely everything you could wish for at the click of a button where you can fast forward and rewind to the good bits. 

So my opinion of cams has change. I think if anyone is upset by them it might be a good idea to take a look because they are surprisingly lame. Strip clubs and lap dancing far more interactive imo.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

peacem said:


> I think if anyone is upset by them it might be a good idea to take a look because they are surprisingly lame. *Strip clubs and lap dancing far more interactive imo.*


I agree with the sentiment in bold.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wantshelp said:


> BadSanta is right about this live stuff being heavily pushed at porn sites. I have never clicked because why would I want to watch some unknown girl who will do who knows what, when I have a plethora of recorded content that has been upvoted, edited, and categorized for me. *Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if some of these live ads are phony and not really live. If he didn't interact or pay, I don't see how this is any different from all the other porn he could stream to his screen, other than he has no idea if it will be any good or what is coming next. * I don't see the problem if there is no interaction. Would it be as bad if it was a prerecorded cam girl?



In my opinion, the live "cam girl" content is just the same as all the other porn, as most of this content ends up in the prerecorded sections. The only difference with the live stuff compared to the prerecorded content is that you can NOT hit fast forward. 

If you goto the cam girl section "webcams" that is prerecorded and look for what has had the most views in the past 30 days, the majority of those are videos are actually couples that were willing to interact with an online audience. Some people may call it infidelity, but to me it just looks like taking the simple act of voyeurism and making it slightly interactive. 

*I think infidelity would become an issue once the viewer also turns on a camera and the video/audio interaction is fully reciprocated. *Meanwhile, just clicking to see what all the fuss is about and seeing unfastforwardable porn (most of which is softcore) without interacting seems like nothing to worry about. 

Badsanta


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

@badsanta There is the tease aspect that as a woman I don't really tune into. I wonder if the appeal of cams is that it gives the illusion of being real. If there is 2 way interaction, even if just say 'hi', adds to the fantasy of actually being in the same room as a scantily dressed woman. Similar to VR porn or POV porn that attempts to make it seem more real. Other than that I don't see the appeal.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> @badsanta There is the tease aspect that as a woman I don't really tune into. I wonder if the appeal of cams is that it gives the illusion of being real. If there is 2 way interaction, even if just say 'hi', adds to the fantasy of actually being in the same room as a scantily dressed woman. Similar to VR porn or POV porn that attempts to make it seem more real. Other than that I don't see the appeal.


Interestingly there are some forums that discuss the aspect of "tease and denial" kinks and how rare it is to find females that actively engage in this kink. One person on that forum suggested that webcams are a virtual gold mine of content for viewers seeking this content as the women will get themselves worked up but deny themselves an orgasm until the viewers pay for it which sometimes just never would happen. 

That is so messed up if you ask me!

Badsanta


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that this issue is tied to how one feels about porn. I'm fine with a little, but I think it's incredibly destructive and would detach emotionally and probably sexually if I found out my hb was using a lot of it. 

Cam girls wouldn't fly with me. 

You're not jerking it to lots of other women and then coming to bed with me. 

And I honestly don't think my hb would be ok with me masterbating to other naked men. 

I have seen other threads where it's argued that porn is OK but cam girls are out because they're real. I mean, if cam girls are OK then why not online affairs? You don't meet them in person either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree that this issue is tied to how one feels about porn. I'm fine with a little, but I think it's incredibly destructive and would detach emotionally and probably sexually if I found out my hb was using a lot of it.
> 
> Can girls wouldn't fly with me.
> 
> ...


it's the slippery slope and playing with fire. it's trying to cut a tomato with a butter knife.
if you're real careful, you might pull it off.

so why play with fire when you don't need to.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

OP poster, then to answer your primary question 'how do i let go of the pain?'

well, my answer would be that he caused you the pain by messing around with webcam. 
now he's promised not to do it anymore. hold him to that promise.

the rest will just be time. time is the best healer. that and his dedication to you.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

My husband watches cam girls sometimes and porn, and it doesn't bother me. It is important for him to have that time with himself. I also keep him very satisfied, and very rarely deny him when he initiates it. 

Feeling jealous over someone through a computer screen seems illogical to me. I am the one with the deeper connection to my man, not that big breasted girl doing gold shows on the webcam. He might enjoy that for a bit as a change, but I can assure you, it will never be as good as the real thing with me.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

WallaceBea said:


> My husband watches cam girls sometimes and porn, and it doesn't bother me. It is important for him to have that time with himself. I also keep him very satisfied, and very rarely deny him when he initiates it.
> 
> Feeling jealous over someone through a computer screen seems illogical to me. I am the one with the deeper connection to my man, not that big breasted girl doing gold shows on the webcam. He might enjoy that for a bit as a change, but I can assure you, it will never be as good as the real thing with me.


 I just watched a recording of one. Dependent on the cam girl as some of them have repeated customers that there is actual dialogue and the one I watch, her and one of her commenters were going on about her relationship. So, forming bonds is possible and a one-sided affair can occur. I do not know what the guy wrote, but she was ansering him with her voice. I am sure the majority use it for interactive porn, something they may feel that they are a part of, sending some of them suggestions. I also wonder who uploads these videos and puts them online. So, if hher husband wants her to do it, these cam shows, they run the risk of putting them online as well.

I am curious though, how much is a token worth?

I just saw another one, girl just dances with no interaction that I know of. This is pretty boring.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Celes said:


> I agree that live cam girls crosses the line, and I'm fine with porn.


This. Prerecorded video is one thing. Once you engage the person it's crossing the line.



WallaceBea said:


> I am the one with the deeper connection to my man, not that big breasted girl doing gold shows on the webcam. He might enjoy that for a bit as a change, but I can assure you, it will never be as good as the real thing with me.


When there is conversation then he emotionally bonding with the big breasted bimbo. That's energy spent on her and not you.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Men CAN form emotional attachments to online cam girls!

Why not put him in chastity, lock, and keep the key on YOUR key chain.

Problem solved!

And he might just love it!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> This. Prerecorded video is one thing. Once you engage the person it's crossing the line.
> 
> 
> 
> When there is conversation then he emotionally bonding with the big breasted bimbo. That's energy spent on her and not you.


Personally, there is only a "line" if one person draws the line. I think it is all one slippery slope with no lines until people draw them. 

I am very pro-marriage and very pro-commitment to a marriage. I was in a Sex Starved Marriage where my wife refused to have sex with me. I knew that "keeping it in my pants" was important to me, my self respect, and my marriage.

I imagine that the slippery slope can range from 
fantasizing while day dreaming,
flirting,
porn videos
sex phone lines, cam girls
strip club private dances
massage parlors with happy endings
escorts, paid sex workers
a NSA F-buddy
etc. 

I think that a couple should decide what their boundaries are that they can both live with. For me (being old fashioned) it is pretty traditional.

My wife and I found compromise and worked on changing our boundaries so that we can be happy together. Our compromise involved just us, but having been where I was and having contemplated divorcing my wife over a lack a sex, I am more understanding to the pressure on couples that want to remain together and yet have sexual gridlock issues.

Still there are interesting discussions on Monogomish and how a committed relationship may not be the traditional one. I suggest the following as worth of thinking about.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q


I don't think that there is any "one solution for all couples."


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

dianaelaine59 said:


> Men CAN form emotional attachments to online cam girls!
> 
> Why not put him in chastity, lock, and keep the key on YOUR key chain.
> 
> ...


While that might work for some, it is not everyone's kink. It also takes two.

I know when I was in a sex starved marriage, I thought about finding ways to turn non-sex into sexually stimulating things. 

Your suggestion would have worked, with one exception. 

The reason that my wife didn't want to have any sex was that she had emotionally withdrawn from the marriage, we were in a mode of rejecting and hurting each other, and that last thing in the world she would have wanted to do was to have done something to make me happy or sexually satisfied, even if it did not involved PIV sex or my ejaculation.

Sexual problems are usually symptoms of other underlying problems within a couple's relationship.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

I completely understand where you are coming from emotionally. It sucks when they don't think what they were doing was hurting anyone. But thankfully you have a man who understands how it has hurt you and does not want to hurt you that way ever again. That says alot about the strength of his feelings for you. I am right there with you finding it hard to grasp the idea that none of what he was doing had any reflection on you. 

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> When there is conversation then he emotionally bonding with the big breasted bimbo. That's energy spent on her and not you.


So? I don't need my husband to spend all of his spare energy on me, all of the time. I know he loves me and he isn't going anywhere. I am secure in myself to not be threatened by my husband watching porn or a cam girl from time to time.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

WallaceBea said:


> So? I don't need my husband to spend all of his spare energy on me, all of the time. I know he loves me and he isn't going anywhere. I am secure in myself to not be threatened by my husband watching porn or a cam girl from time to time.


So nothing. Some people enjoy being a cuckold (or in your case a cuckquean). No judgments.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP,

Im going to go back to the beginning of your post. He did NOT try to lie to you, voluntarily gave you the "tour" of what he as watching, and basically told you he did not realize it would hurt you so much. Now if he was trying to deceive you why on earth did he not try to lie his way out of it or minimize and start finding fault with you like most waywards do when caught doing something.

The rest of this is just everyone's "opinion", of which we all have one, and yours is the only one that counts. The think that makes this boundary and infidelity thing so difficult is that we are ALL different. Women divorce men for what he did, and women stay with men who screw multiple other wmen. Men divorce their wives over online interactions and men stay with women who have had multiple affairs.

The whole porn thing is also individual. I believe most of the literature explains that men gravitate to porn because they are more visually motivated and women gravitate to filthy novels or books because they are not as visually motivated. For those that "hate" porn and who would not "tolerate" it at all, that is fine as long as your lingerie drawer is not full of Mr Buzzy type toys that you use while fantasizing about the movie star or guy at work or at the gym. And save the nonsense about you ALWAYS think about hubby.


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## mace85 (Mar 12, 2012)

Legend said:


> Keep in mind marriage was designed and ordained by God, not by unchurched liberals (a tautology).



Glad you were here to clear that up.... 

Interesting how it helps solve nothing. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## simon28798 (Mar 25, 2017)

I am in a very positive and supportive relationship with an amazing sexy woman and I'm addicted to porn.
My addiction to pornography in general has grown over the years. I managed to get myself off it for a few months but the other day I was browsing the internet and I accidentally discovered naughtychurch cams. This is something I never knew about before and when I checked it out, I couldn't believe it was real. Since that day, I check to see what girls are online almost everyday. I don't even masturbate to it. I just go from live webcam to live webcam for hours on end. It's like watching a gerbil in a cage. They can't see me, but I can watch them. When I first discovered it I signed up, and had a "private session" with one of the girls that I liked a lot based on the fact that she looked almost exactly like cameron diaz. She's probably some poor girl from Russia. I had one private session with her then I cancelled my account immediately. I had never done anything like this before, and it felt a lot like cheating. i mean, there's and actual girl on the other side who I was writing back and forth to. And then she took her clothes off and masturbated while I masturbated. I feel so guilty. Since then, I drop by daily to see if she is there. And if she is I just watch her for hours. If she is not there, I go from live girl to live girl and just watch them. It's interfering with my relationship. I mean, I have a crush on a Russian webcam girl and I'm in a relationship?! WTF is wrong with me? Its crossing into reality for me. I find myself thinking about her when I'm walking down the street. I need to stop, and I've made a promise to myself that I would a week ago, and I broke that promise to myself once already.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FriskyDingo said:


> I need help... words of wisdom... prayers... anything that will help me get past this feeling of betrayal and immense hurt that I have from finding out that my husband has watched cam girls during our 5 year marriage. We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me), we are both very talkative and friendly people, especially when we have been drinking. It came up in their conversation that she is a cam girl. I had never heard of this. He explained. I knew he watched porn on occasion and had no issue with that. This, however, is something new to me. I was stunned that it even existed. I asked if he went to these sites and he said "why wouldn't I?" I still was unclear about what this was, and his casual attitude about it showed that he clearly didn't think it was wrong. So I had him show me when we got home. He doesn't have a log in ID, he doesn't pay and he doesn't talk to or follow any one particular person. He just randomly surfs on the rare occasion that he is home alone and I'm not available. I explained to him that I am not ok with these sites and why: the live feed makes it way too personal, there's no difference from this and sexting with a stranger you meet IRL, the accessibility of talking to these women is too close for comfort, this is not a situation in which I feel our marriage is being protected... I went on and on. He saw how hurt I was and was devastated that he caused it. He didn't understand at first. To him, it is no different from traditional porn, but he recognizes that it is monumentally different for me. He respects that. He apologized profusely, said he never wanted to hurt me and said that he'd never go back to those types of sites again. He said all of the right things and I trust him explicitly. I believe him that he didn't think it would bother me and I believe him that he won't go back to these sites now that he knows how I feel. My problem is that while I understand all of this, the hurt I feel is overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about him watching these women and engaging in live sex acts with them online. I know he was the only one who could see them, but it still feels so disgusting and so wrong to me that the thought of it makes hurt so badly and even makes me physically nauseous. How do you forgive something that hurts you so deeply like this? How do you let go and move forward? I know he didn't cheat on me, but my God, it certainly feels like it and it is killing me. I'm trying so hard to get over it. I go from ok and rational (he wasn't hiding it, he truly thought it was ok, he is never going to do it again), to incredibly hurt, to so angry I could scream. I've read forum after forum on this topic and all of the men say "be the cam girl for him" but how can I do that when the entire time I'll be thinking about how he used to watch other women do the same thing? I've always know that sex is "fun" for men and "emotional" for women. I get that. But my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?


I am astounded that he didn't think there was anything wrong with this, but the fact that you don't mind him looking at porn may have led him to believe that. Basically he has cheated on you with many other women, no wonder you feel so hurt. 
For us porn of any sort is a complete no no. 
Anything like this is very unloving and completely disrespectful to our spouse. 

You will need lots of time to heal and for the trust to build again, but he also needs to stop all the porn as well. Many who look at porn will progress to worse and more serious things as your husband has. 

Absolutely men can make love and have emotion as part of that. Not all men use other women for their sexual kicks, and many are completely faithful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

simon28798 said:


> I am in a very positive and supportive relationship with an amazing sexy woman and I'm addicted to porn.
> My addiction to pornography in general has grown over the years. I managed to get myself off it for a few months but the other day I was browsing the internet and I accidentally discovered naughtychurch cams. This is something I never knew about before and when I checked it out, I couldn't believe it was real. Since that day, I check to see what girls are online almost everyday. I don't even masturbate to it. I just go from live webcam to live webcam for hours on end. It's like watching a gerbil in a cage. They can't see me, but I can watch them. When I first discovered it I signed up, and had a "private session" with one of the girls that I liked a lot based on the fact that she looked almost exactly like cameron diaz. She's probably some poor girl from Russia. I had one private session with her then I cancelled my account immediately. I had never done anything like this before, and it felt a lot like cheating. i mean, there's and actual girl on the other side who I was writing back and forth to. And then she took her clothes off and masturbated while I masturbated. I feel so guilty. Since then, I drop by daily to see if she is there. And if she is I just watch her for hours. If she is not there, I go from live girl to live girl and just watch them. It's interfering with my relationship. I mean, I have a crush on a Russian webcam girl and I'm in a relationship?! WTF is wrong with me? Its crossing into reality for me. I find myself thinking about her when I'm walking down the street. I need to stop, and I've made a promise to myself that I would a week ago, and I broke that promise to myself once already.


You need to tell all to your wife/partner, get her to set up porn blocking programme's, give her all of your passwords and only ever use the computer/phone etc in the family room when she is there. Look at sites such as covenant eyes to get help and support. 
What does she think you are doing all these hours you do this for? How would you feel if that young lady was your daughter/sister?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

To the OP

I am a middle aged male. Married for a while.

Sex is just sex. Love is not sex, and sex is not love. I've had sex with a lot of women I didn't love. I love a lot of people, past and present, who I would never have sex with, and some I do. I think our society screws people over by putting too much emotion into sex. Some day I won't be having much sex any more, but I'll still love my wife just as much.

Sometimes I look at the serial monogamists around me and wonder if they would have been better off if they had learned to forgive instead of jumping ship. And if the only reason their new spouse is so true to them is because they haven't been together very long yet.

Learning to forgive and move past the mistakes, either real or imagined, because both hurt, is important to maintaining a relationship. Unless the goal in life is just to stay together until something goes wrong, let it explode, and move on to the next opportunity.

The question is what is more important to you, sex or love? Only let sexual issues destroy love if you think sex is more important than love.

We invest sex with a power it should not have. It is a fun exercise, and maybe as important as food and drink to our well being, but it is no where near as important as love to our mental well being. We need to strip the mystique away from sex which gives it the power to control us. We should not be asexual. We are sexual beings. Like food and drink, we should partake. But it's just sex. 

Own your sexuality, don't let it own you.

You could try relaxing some, and taking your husband to a strip club. Or have him take you to a male strip club. When a niece of mine got married she had her bachelorette party at a male strip club, and the women elected me to drive them there. My wife enjoyed herself quite a bit. I had no problem with that. My wife was a lot of fun when we got home. Relax, enjoy. Take the fun feelings home, and continue.

We will celebrate our 44th wedding anniversary soon.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> To the OP
> 
> I am a middle aged male. Married for a while.
> 
> ...


For many of us sex is very much part of a loving commitment in marriage. Many men like my husband have never had sex with a woman they didn't love and who understand that going to strip clubs etc isnt part of a faithful caring respectful marriage. I would never treat my husband that way. I think our society screws people over as well, but by taking the emotional love and commitment OUT of sex. Its so sad. :frown2:


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

@Diana7 Your marriage sounds awesome. Sometimes I read your posts and wonder if a man like yours truly exists - you are very lucky to have each other. :smile2:

Something I have wondered (please don't take this the wrong way as I am genuinely interested) - most people arrive at TAM because they have had issues at some point in their marriage. I wonder how you know so much about porn and its negative impact on marriages, and sites such as covenant eyes when its not an issue in your marriage. Has there been relationships in the past where you have been hurt? I can only think of one other poster who has been happily married for many years and has a great sex life - who contributes on sex in marriage. The vast majority of us have either been through difficulties or are going through it. 

I think the biggest change in me since arriving at TAM is accepting my husbands flaws and making changes in a positive way. The reason I have been so hurt in the past is because I had unrealistic expectations of the perfect husband. So when he messed up it was like I was living with a stranger. Being realistic about male sexuality (as opposed to what I think male sexuality should look like) has helped me be a better lover and wife. But no matter what I do he will always like looking at images of naked ladies - and I would be extremely worried if he didn't - and I would be a fool to kid myself that it was any other way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

peacem said:


> @Diana7 Your marriage sounds awesome. Sometimes I read your posts and wonder if a man like yours truly exists - you are very lucky to have each other. :smile2:
> 
> Something I have wondered (please don't take this the wrong way as I am genuinely interested) - most people arrive at TAM because they have had issues at some point in their marriage. I wonder how you know so much about porn and its negative impact on marriages, and sites such as covenant eyes when its not an issue in your marriage. Has there been relationships in the past where you have been hurt? I can only think of one other poster who has been happily married for many years and has a great sex life - who contributes on sex in marriage. The vast majority of us have either been through difficulties or are going through it.
> 
> I think the biggest change in me since arriving at TAM is accepting my husbands flaws and making changes in a positive way. The reason I have been so hurt in the past is because I had unrealistic expectations of the perfect husband. So when he messed up it was like I was living with a stranger. Being realistic about male sexuality (as opposed to what I think male sexuality should look like) has helped me be a better lover and wife. But no matter what I do he will always like looking at images of naked ladies - and I would be extremely worried if he didn't - and I would be a fool to kid myself that it was any other way.


Thank you:smile2:
We have both been married before(his wife cheated on him and my husband betrayed me in a different way), and also there have been many divorces and issues of cheating etc in my wider family. My dad looked at porn (in magazines as it was then)and he had a very long affair(maybe several). I also know 2 marriages that ended because of porn use, again one in my family. There has also been child sexual abuse in my wider family. 

Also I have been a mod on another site for about 10 years where we get quite a few people coming with marriage issues such as porn and unfaithfulness, and another British marriage site where I have been going to for many years trying to help others who have been cheated on or have other issues. So yes I have heard a lot and learnt a lot over the years. 

The issue of porn for us isn't whether we WANT to look, or LIKE looking or are TEMPTED to look, its whether its right and whether it helps the one looking or their marriage.It doesn't. Is it loving faithful and respectful to our spouse to look at other naked people and watch them doing things of a sexual nature? For us the answer is no. For us sex is just for the two of us, and we only see each other naked and no one else. 
Yes I know I have a good man. He was bought up to have very good moral values and bags of integrity. He is also a strong Christian as I am. I wasn't prepared to get married again unless I found a good man. Having said that I do know quite a few other men who have similar values and ideals. My son for one.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, this is ridiculous. Telling her that he did not cheat and that live cam girls are ok.
> 
> Telling her to engage in this with him? You have got to be kidding me.


watching some cam girl, where you are one of 20 other guys watching, is not cheating at all. I can easily see how he would be mystified at why his wife was so upset.

She knew he was using porn and did not have a problem with it. This is purely a mater of boundaries. She needs to discuss with him what she is comfortable with, and what she is uncomfortable with. 

And if he did not have a password, then he is not watching any specific woman, and there is no long term online "relationship" set up. To do so he would have to buy "coins" and donate them to the cam girl while he watched.

Jeez give the poor guy a break.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> watching some cam girl, where you are one of 20 other guys watching, is not cheating at all. I can easily see how he would be mystified at why his wife was so upset.
> 
> She knew he was using porn and did not have a problem with it. This is purely a mater of boundaries. She needs to discuss with him what she is comfortable with, and what she is uncomfortable with.
> 
> ...


 Many of us see it as cheating, I do. Its very damaging for the marriage. Sex should always be between the couple only, no one else involved.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

peacem said:


> @Diana7 Sometimes I read your posts and wonder if a man like yours truly exists


I'm glad I'm not the only one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

stixx said:


> I'm glad I'm not the only one.


Yes he is real, there are many more men like him who don't look at porn etc as well. I think its really sad that so many people think its ok to do this stuff and cant understand why some of us don't. Its not easy to go against the flow but its so worth it. I would rather be alone than be with a man who thought it was ok to act that way and treat me that way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WallaceBea said:


> So? I don't need my husband to spend all of his spare energy on me, all of the time. I know he loves me and he isn't going anywhere. I am secure in myself to not be threatened by my husband watching porn or a cam girl from time to time.


We dont stay away from porn because we feel threatened or insecure, but because we know its not good for us or our marriage, and also because we feel its very disrespectful to each other. For us intimacy is for us alone.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Many of us see it as cheating, I do. Its very damaging for the marriage. Sex should always be between the couple only, no one else involved.


and if you and your husband have discussed this already, and he agrees to it, then that is fine....for you. Just realize there are plenty of men who do not agree with your characterization. In fact a lot of men watch porn specifically to NOT need to cheat on a sexless marriage.

Also realize that marriages evolve over time. Maybe a man in his '30's who would never consider looking at porn, who later in his 60's finds erectile dysfunction popping up and he is desperately trying to sooth that loss in sexual function and intimacy, might NEED porn to live.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> and if you and your husband have discussed this already, and he agrees to it, then that is fine....for you. Just realize there are plenty of men who do not agree with your characterization. In fact a lot of men watch porn specifically to NOT need to cheat on a sexless marriage.
> 
> Also realize that marriages evolve over time. Maybe a man in his '30's who would never consider looking at porn, who later in his 60's finds erectile dysfunction popping up and he is desperately trying to sooth that loss in sexual function and intimacy, might NEED porn to live.


He is even more strict about what he watches than I am. He wont even watch a film that has a sex scene in it. 
Yes marriages change and people change, but as far as porn goes, its a no no for us.


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

FriskyDingo said:


> *1* Do men ever have emotion in sex? *2* Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? *3* How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?


Sorry I'm late here but I will still answer your questions from a Confused Husband male perspective. Most people here already think I'm a pervert anyways so I'm just going to tell you what I think.

1 - YES! Men do feel love for YOU when they are having sex with you. However men are visual and they need visual stimuli for their sexuality to work (to get it up and keep it up). It's not so much about the "touch" as much about the "sight" or in some cases the fantasy of the sight. So porn, cam-girls, wandering eyes, are all manifestations of the fact that your husband likes variety, like 90% of men.
But that has nothing to do with the feelings or emotions for you.
When having sex with my wife, I think about her, her beautiful body, all the great feelings she is giving me, how much I love her, how dirty she is when she whispers unimaginable things in my ear that get me hard instantly, and I'm really enjoying the moment, AND...AND...sometimes I might throw in an external image from a porn scene I have seen or somebody I have met that morning (an attractive woman for example). But these are just images...and they have nothing to do with real life. Men do this, they mix visual images with reality.

2 - YES! But remember while women love emotions, men love images. That's why so many men watch porn, its stimulating...thats all that is. (except webcams and I will go back to that later...). Like I said before: while I'm having sex with my wife and we are really deep into it, we are both thinkin about each other and the pleasure, but also our own fantasies creep in and in that state, while you are trying to prolong it and not have an orgasm, your mind is going wild...things happen, images pup up, and it's not that we THINK about somebody else, but we might think about an erotic image of somebody else, or an act that somebody else performed, about that one porn scene that made us all bothered the night before, and we are dying to try it with our wives.
My wife has very wild images of other men too, I know it because when she is close to orgasm, she says things to me that she will never admit to herself in a normal state of mind, and she says things about me and suggests fantasies FOR ME that I would never think of discussing with her. This kind of chemistry usually leads to a mutual orgasm. 

3 - Realize that cam-girls for a man are no different that other porn. You freaked out because while what are the odds of your husband ever meeting a pornstar and have sex with her in real life? None. Contrary, he just met and interacted with a girl he could have seen naked masturbating on the internet the night before!!!!! That goes beyond just a fantasy, that is reality! And yes, hunny, I have to tell you this: cam girls have contests, and if a member wins (usually the highest paying one), they will have sex with him in front of everybody during another cam-show.
So this is very close to home...too close for you to be ok with it, no wonder you are freaking out.
I think 99% even if you guys go and meet with this cam girl several times, nothing will ever happen. Most cam girls are shy in real life, ahve boyfriends or husbands...they also know there are 1000 average joes out there that would love to bang them so they dont really pay too much attention to males in general. They are in it for the money.

Hope this helps


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> He is even more strict about what he watches than I am. He wont even watch a film that has a sex scene in it. .


you are saying he will not watch a movie with a sex scene in it, but will watch cam girls who are naked and doing perverted sex acts and talking with him as they do? I...am missing something here. are we talking about the same thing. When you say "cam girl" what exactly do you mean by that??


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## sherrialicia (Jul 10, 2013)

Celes said:


> Have you guys seen what cam girls sites are like? It's not that big of a deal, unless he was paying for private time. Usually cam girls don't engage in too much. They are just standing around and teasing while several men are in the chat room typing stuff. Many won't get naked or do anything sexual on the free sites unless a guy pays to take her to a private "room". OP said he wasn't paying. He wasn't chatting with the girls.
> 
> If he was paying to have private sessions and had 1 on 1 interaction with the girls, my post would be different.


HA!!! I don't think so. After seeing my husband had gone on these sites I to went to one to see what it was about. On chatterbate people can make request for things that they pay for and anyone not paying can also see. I have seen EVERY sexual thing you can imagine and not paid a dime. It's true however that it's not very personal unless you pay (they don't respond to request or questions from none payers) but to say they don't show anything outside of private shows is crazy. OP I completely understand where you're coming from but the fact remains you were ok with porn, until you informed him this wasn't ok he wasn't doing anything wrong. From here on out however if he gets caught again knowing how you feel then you have to decide if it's a deal breaker and cut your losses.


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