# Getting divorce after 25 years + 3



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Have been reading for days this forum and can't express how I feel knowing I am not alone.

Got married very young, after kids left to study abroad I thought we were working on us again being alone. Bought a weekend house, went every Friday for more than 1 year. Around Sept 2012 he started acting distant, fights were easy to start and sleeping in different rooms was becoming normal. Tried to talk but things became the same within days. Worked together for 15 years. I was desperate by Dec 2012 and asked him to move, so he did next day... was like if I was opening the door to the dog.

After 1 year of separation, this January 2014 he asked for divorce, it took me by surprise since we were having a good relationship. No OW for sure. He is a lonely man and told me he liked being like that and that our marriage was broken since several years. I have not been working since he moved out and feel so lonely. I thought we were going to be able to work things out. Were going to IC, to the same therapist. She told me to give him time, so that was what I was doing... but then after he asked for divorce I asked her what went wrong and she told me that he got comfortable and since is very busy at the office he doesnt think as I so often and that he has not being able to feel real loneliness.

I told him to do what is necesary, that I was not going to be the one doing the paperwork for the assets change of name etc... seems that has taken time, more than expected, but once in a while I get requests to sign papers or go to the bank, etc and feel SO sad. Part of me would like this to be over, the other wants to work on our marriage, but it can't only be me.

Last year we only saw each other twice. When he asked for divorce it was by phone. I asked to meet, so we did finally but his position is the same... this is broken. I tried to convice him to go out once every month to see if we could bond again, but he said no.

Our kids send sometimes emails copying me and him regarding their studies or experiences. We have this comunication via email copying everyone. Now I started the 180 about 10 days ago just replying to my son or daughter not copying him anymore. Besides that, no communication at all.

This year would be our 25th anniversary. He sends me extra money sometimes. Last time he did was about 15 days ago, I started crying, cause I feel that what I need is him not the money, and writing checks has always being his way of showing love.

Confused, but knowing that it is what it is and trying to move on looking for a job to keep myself occupied besides some courses I am receiving but dont do the job.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Forgot to mention I have a great relationship with his family and so does him with mine. It is so sad when I hear his mom tell me that he would have to go the Sahara desert to find another woman like me


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It's a long grieving process after that many years together. You can check and see if they have DivorceCare meetings in your area, they are helpful and low cost.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Thank you Indiecat, unfortunately here there are not Divorce Care meetings or something similar. I feel I have had 2 griefs, one year of being alone missing him and what our marriage used to be and the other when he dropped the bomb since January asking for the divorce. Now I know I need to move on with my life, but don't know where to start besides leaving aside what I was doing and start fresh with a new beginning... 180 degrees.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I don't understand people like him, unless he has a secret OW. Why he would want to be alone? 

But you have to worry about you. Trying to find work, taking part in life. It's very hard after being a couple for so long.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I know... asked about a secret OW or if he discovered he was gay. But no, no to both questions and after 1 year and 4 months I would know if he had OW. 

He is just an introvert, proud person that doesnt love me anymore. That is my conclusion. And to be sincere... I dont know if I would like to be back with him, cause I was already very independent in our marriage, did a lot and he was sometimes like another kid, not showing any intimacy interest not as for sex, but as for communication, details, etc... 

Acceptance is SO hard, failure feeling is here all the time


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I feel what hurts to me the most is: 1. Being alone 2. Marriage failure 3. Thinking we have all to be happy but he needs a little change towards the relationship (which he has made clear he doesn't want anymore...) 4. And accepting I can't change him 

Feel lost after being a mom, wife, coworker with him. My life was my family, cooking for them, before he left making him special meals on Saturdays... it was all about the rest of people around me, not me at ALL.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Bluebirdie said:


> I feel what hurts to me the most is: 1. Being alone 2. Marriage failure 3. Thinking we have all to be happy but he needs a little change towards the relationship (which he has made clear he doesn't want anymore...) 4. And accepting I can't change him
> 
> Feel lost after being a mom, wife, coworker with him. My life was my family, cooking for them, before he left making him special meals on Saturdays... it was all about the rest of people around me, not me at ALL.


It is about YOU now. Embrace it. I know the feelings of failure are hard, and the change is traumatic, but now you have an opportunity to rebuild your life on your terms. That is no small thing.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

BB-it sounds like it has nothing to do with you

the time without you could...bring him back

no major issues and 25 years, it's over... very odd

are there any internal conflicts he has? any trauma from 

childhood? I'm sorry you are here


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Thank you Fenix, you are right, it is about me now and is so hard. Today is not a good day for me, feeling sad.

Chuck, there are 2 things:

- He is a very lonely, introvert person, who says love doesnt exist, and before the kids left he said he loved nobody besides the kids. He had a childhood with his mom being very strict, he even shaked when he heard the car of her getting back from work. Both his brothers and cousins we grew in the same condition are verbally abusive or sarcastic towards their wives, I didnt let that happen more so here I am...

- At the beginning of the marriage, 23 years ago, there was a 3 year period when he was using drugs and frequently visited p...tes... I had an affair at work for 3 months which i ended without him knowing and even left the company since knew my "revenge" wasnt good. I couldnt live with that and finally ended up confessing after a year... 20 years ago! He says now that somehow he cant forget that and he closed his heart to me... that tried but doesnt work for him. I begged, was treated like a w... for 5 years, tried to explain my reason was "revenge", that he did worse things, etc... but it seems he cant forgive at all.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

He also drinks every night 4-6 beers depending on the day, sometimes I joined him but didnt like that life. Sex became an issue too since I didnt want it if he came to bed with smell. 

Last year after 6 months of separation I discovered in the cc statements he had visited high priced p....tes again, but he said he felt misserable doing it and therapist told me he stopped, it was to fill his loneliness...

He isn't much expressive, but shows affection with money, so has been sending me extra money for trips and "just for x reason" which I have kept the majority. But last time (15 days ago) I cried so hard when I got a wire transfer since I feel I am getting crossed messages. Is he feeling pity on me? Cant get it!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry you're here Bluebird. It hurts. My marriage ended after 28 years, but unlike you we had identifiable issues that led to the D.

I understand why you cry when he sends the money. Could I suggest that you put that money in a savings account/money market and use it to travel around and see the kids. 

Some folks have enjoyed the Meetup Groups, they're not really my thing. But I would definitely suggest getting involved in some activity or hobby. It fills time up and keeps your mind working on something positive. It also exposes you to more people so you don't become isolated.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

It does sound his or your past is haunting him. 
He doesn't know of the affair? There has to be something. He's drinking six beers every night. That is not good. He needs help there before it gets out of control. IC for both would be a good step.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Pluto, thank you! That is exactly what I did, I also retired my savings from my life insurance account, so I have some savings now put together. My daugher is going to India for a volunteer for 2.5 months and I am applying to go too to work in the food preparation volunteer program they have there. Thank you for your words, cause it makes me think I am making the right choice!

Fordsvt, he knows of the affair, I confessed 20 years ago, felt I owed it to him and thought that the things he had done before were much worse, but it came out that no, that what I did to him was different 

Yes, his drinking also lead to lack of interest in sex without alcohol in his system, was an issue for sure. Also he isolated playing his guitar and I knew I couldn't talk to him after his 1st beer cause he would be in his "happy world".

I dont want to make him the bad guy, he is a good guy, responsible father. But not a good partner for a marriage for me even though, I love him very much and wish he could see further than the moment


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Bluebirdie said:


> Thank you Fenix, you are right, it is about me now and is so hard. Today is not a good day for me, feeling sad.
> 
> Chuck, there are 2 things:
> 
> ...


MANY times childhood traumas resonate to their adulthood

maybe he was unable or unknowing "how to love"

just like if a man 25-35 treats his mother horrible... most 

women would pick up on that quickly. 

if he never dealt with those issues from childhood, he is and will

always be conflicted with them. BB have you ever heard this:

"Hurt people...hurt people"

his issues are from within himself, there's nothing you can do

except offer support if he faces them. 

I am guessing your H was very loving with your kids but he had

trouble showing it emotionally. Also....where was your Hs dad 

when he was young?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Bluebirdie said:


> He also drinks every night 4-6 beers depending on the day, sometimes I joined him but didnt like that life. Sex became an issue too since I didnt want it if he came to bed with smell.
> 
> Last year after 6 months of separation I discovered in the cc statements he had visited high priced p....tes again, but he said he felt misserable doing it and therapist told me he stopped, it was to fill his loneliness...
> 
> He isn't much expressive, but shows affection with money, so has been sending me extra money for trips and "just for x reason" which I have kept the majority. But last time (15 days ago) I cried so hard when I got a wire transfer since I feel I am getting crossed messages. Is he feeling pity on me? Cant get it!


he uses money to appease situation and avoid having to be 

emotional. my pop did the very same thing. the drinking and

chasing "strange tail" is him running from his problems.

He learned as a child from his trauma with his mother, it's

easier to flight than fight. He has been broken and wounded 

since his formative years. I am shocked you and him lasted 

so long. 

BB, you can help lead him to the water but you can't make him

drink, that is all his choice. How much of the separation are the 

kids aware of?


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Thank you Chuck, his dad was absent all the time, he had affair after affair and finally they got divorced after 12 years. I told H that maybe that was the reason his mom was like that with her 3 boys, taking agains him on them. 

Our kids (24 and 22) are aware of everything, I told them all so they dont blame all on his dad cause I had my part too and can't change how he feels about what happened so long ago or maybe now that he is living a midlife crisis or simply doesnt love me anymore. Hurts so bad to fail, I did all I could, I did, but still think I could live with him since is not a bad man, but has his character and isolates... well, there are much worse men out there, loneliness is so sad  and I dont want to end alone... rollercoaster... 

And you are SO RIGHT! He adores his kids, but somehow I feel he blames them for leaving home and has always have problems showint affection to them.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It is sad to see someone just drifting along like him. I imagine he suffers from depression and doesn't realize it. Depression in men comes out different than in women, they have different symptoms.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Bluebirdie said:


> Thank you Chuck, his dad was absent all the time, he had affair after affair and finally they got divorced after 12 years. I told H that maybe that was the reason his mom was like that with her 3 boys, taking agains him on them.
> 
> Our kids (24 and 22) are aware of everything, I told them all so they dont blame all on his dad cause I had my part too and can't change how he feels about what happened so long ago or maybe now that he is living a midlife crisis or simply doesnt love me anymore. Hurts so bad to fail, I did all I could, I did, but still think I could live with him since is not a bad man, but has his character and isolates... well, there are much worse men out there, loneliness is so sad  and I dont want to end alone... rollercoaster...
> 
> And you are SO RIGHT! He adores his kids, but somehow I feel he blames them for leaving home and has always have problems showint affection to them.


I strongly feel, deep down, your H loves you

he can't show it. I came from a dysfunctional home but not 

"bad", bad was how my X wife grew up. She had difficulty 

expressing anything (except sex). In any 20+ year M, looks

fade away as important and communication becomes the driving 

force. My mom loved pop.....even I did but since pop had 

trouble showing emotions....it never was a great marriage.

My g/f's family are huggers.....my family never was. When we

kinda became an item, her parents hugged me once when we 

were leaving. It completely freaked me out. It's just 

something I'm not used to. I check her car, tires, oil...catch

spiders and what not...guy stuff. I don't need a hug or a thank

you, I just do. Just like she does things for me...without me 

asking. Most women want to hear thank yous and get hugs.

It's not I don't like doing it, I'm just not used to it.

Getting your H treatment could start a path to saving the M

good bet your kids would prefer that, as you would.

Is he the type that needs to be given "tough love"? He may

not willingly seek treatment (guy thing, I'm guilty there too)

but if his family sit him down and throw it on the table....

he might go.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Thank you so much for your answers! I agree, totally. 
Sad thing is he is on IC, last thing he said was that he was trying to find out why he was like this and then that he didnt want to move a finger for the relationship since he felt it was already broken.
What should I do? He is doing the things for the divorce, should be ready by now but he has taken time, I think mostly due to work, but moving little by little. It has been already 1 year and 4 months separated. Should I ask him to wait for it eventhough we dont get back to see each other as we have done? Somehow I feel the 180 for me can work but will get him further and further away each time for his way of being. Know what I mean?


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Also, I dont think the therapist is ideal for this situation. I was going with her too, but left her and went to the psychiatrist since and have felt much better. One of the worse days during this separation was when I went to her and asked after he askef for the divorce, that she was sorry, that she hoped he would react but that he got accomodated and somehow told me what I know (is stubborn) and that it seemed he took his decision.

He doesnt look for encounters with the kids, but know he misses them. I have traveled 4 times during last year and he had always write me to give me any complaint about our oldest (car, work, whatever...). When I told him our daughter was talking about living in Germany for the rest of her life, he asked me not to tell him anything about her unless it came from her, I understood that it hurt him so much. So this time when he complaint I asked him not to tell me anything if I could do nothing from there....

I am going to India, to do what I like and also to have me-time, meditating, etc... looking for options to get through this as I feel I have no vote.

Him mom has talked to him, she calls me almost every week, I feel bad because she wants me to go and have lunch or meet with the family, which I have done, but I know his family is the only group he relates to once in a week if not every 15 days. So would not like to "invade" his space.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Bluebirdie said:


> Thank you so much for your answers! I agree, totally.
> Sad thing is he is on IC, last thing he said was that he was trying to find out why he was like this and then that he didnt want to move a finger for the relationship since he felt it was already broken.
> What should I do? He is doing the things for the divorce, should be ready by now but he has taken time, I think mostly due to work, but moving little by little. It has been already 1 year and 4 months separated. Should I ask him to wait for it eventhough we dont get back to see each other as we have done? Somehow I feel the 180 for me can work but will get him further and further away each time for his way of being. Know what I mean?


He clearly does not 'strongly desire' a D or he would have his

ducks in a row quickly. He knows he has screwed up, it seems

he imposes a self-punishment on himself. If you do not want

the D, just let it linger. But you do not deserve to be in limbo.

"How much more negativity about a dead M according to BB's

H can BB put up with before she says...fine, speed up D, I'm 

through"

What you did in the past, is in the past. You owned up to it and

all I can see is he was forgiving about it, until he could hold it

over your head. Something is eating at him, has been for a long

time. Throw the ball in his court, if he wants D, he must do it.

Then leave for the trip. There are great places to meditate and

get away from modern life in Tibet and Nepal.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Bluebird, is it possible his objections to your behavior is more a projection of his own behavior. He might be having a hard time reconciling his actions in his own mind, so he brings up your's.
I agree with Chuck71, it doesn't sound like his heart is ready for a D. How long are you willing to wait?


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Thank you so much for your answers Chuck, I agree and feel just like you say. 
I am not moving a finger for D and it seems I will be back in Sept and it will be still sitting there waiting to be signed. Sad would be if he comes one day with the papers (sends them cause we have seen each other only 4 times in 1 year and 4 months!) and as painful as it might be both will sign and... what then?

Trying to live my life without him, hurts, but he is the one who has to wake up right? Hopefully he does it before it is too late 

I am going as a vounteer to a town far away from New Delhi, it is a farm where I will help with cooking with their organic crops, meditate in the morning, do yoga, will help me a lot for sure duirng this phase. Coming back and no work, no courses, nothing to do will have a plan for my life by then I hope.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Pluto, I am not ready for a D, dont want it. Will do it (this is how I feel now) with a huge pain in my heart only if he asks with papers done, cause I dont want to keep him by force, you know what I mean? But dont really believe there are enough reasons for us to get a D


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Woke up feeling better today. Went for my daily walk and to renew my passport, took all morning. Ticket is ready for India. Got my pic for the visa. Was busy, this is what I need to keep on doing; so I dont waste time thinking of the "ifs" and "whys" with no certain answer for sure.

Tomorrow will go for my visa and my cooking class in the afternoon, planing each day ahead and letting h keep on busy with his work and moving if he wants the d. Anyways, I am leaving in June so it wont be enough time since filing get you a date hear for 1.5-2 or maybe 3 months with the judge even it is a mutual agreement. So it may take until September and end it in Dec. By then we will be 2 years separated. Cant believe it. 

But I need to focus on me and let him discover himself too, got married really young and perhaps this is what is meant to happen as much as it hurts.


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