# Need to have a difficult conversation



## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

I really do not know how to approach a difficult subject with my long term boyfriend. We are both in our 40's. We haven't kissed passionately in 2-3 months, and then only a quick one because I practically forced him to do it.  He also rarely gives oral. I'm very clean, I've never had these issues with anyone but him. I've brought it up before, but he dismisses it saying "we kiss a lot". We don't. He says he's just not into oral sex. I've stopped giving him oral.

This is an issue for me, and I do not know how to start the conversation.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you in a long term relationship with someone who isn't scratching your itch? It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, but if he's not a match for you, he's not a match. It sounds like he's always been this way, no? 

How long is "long term"?

As far as the conversation goes... "I'm sorry, but this isn't working out for me. I need more intimacy. I love kissing, and I miss having my kitty licked on a regular basis. I don't hate you, but there's some things I'm not willing to give up."

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to read about your situation.

It is apparent, like mentioned above, that 'little things' like the kissing and oral are very important to you in the relationship.

So if you are not getting these 'needs/wants' met now it will not change for the better by giving it more time.

The conversation above seems great and if there is no change on his end....the only other thing that can change is all in your control.

Good luck..


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Peachy
I'm sorry you are in this spot, not getting the sort of intimacy you want is very depressing.

I would suggest that you do not reduce the amount of intimacy / sex that he wants. Intimacy should not be a trade - it is something you do for the person you love. If you start withholding it may cause him to pull back even more. This sort of thing can snowball badly. 

Have you made it really clear to him just how important this is? Some people are not very perceptive, it is difficulty but when he says that you do kiss a lot, you need to tell him that it isn't enough for you - that you love him and are attracted to him, and you really need this to be happy.

If he really doesn't want to kiss or give you oral, then you need to decide how much it matters to you. You can't make him do something he doesn't want to do, but you can decide to leave if he won't do it. (this is very parallel to the men who complain (with reason) that their partners will not give them oral).


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Best to move on! 

If sex isn't what you need before marriage, it certainly won't get better after marriage.


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

Long term being 3 years. And no this isn't really a new thing, it's always been sparse, and getting sparser. 

Maybe after 3 years the shiny newness is wearing off and it's harder to overlook the lack of oral anything. It's too bad really. He's very affectionate, cuddly, etc.


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

PBear - I can't get my head around leaving a rather fine relationship over this. I can't recall ever having a relationship that had it all 100% right. 

then again, never had THIS situation either


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Peachie said:


> I really do not know how to approach a difficult subject with my long term boyfriend. We are both in our 40's. We haven't kissed passionately in 2-3 months, and then only a quick one because I practically forced him to do it.  He also rarely gives oral. I'm very clean, I've never had these issues with anyone but him. I've brought it up before, but he dismisses it saying "we kiss a lot". We don't. He says he's just not into oral sex. I've stopped giving him oral.
> 
> This is an issue for me, and I do not know how to start the conversation.


What conversation do you think you need to have???

He thinks you kiss enough
He doesn't like oral
He is fine with relationship the way it is.....a YOU are not. So this needs to be over and you need to find someone you're compatible with and so does he. This is not a match


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> What conversation do you think you need to have???
> 
> He thinks you kiss enough
> He doesn't like oral
> He is fine with relationship the way it is.....a YOU are not. So this needs to be over and you need to find someone you're compatible with and so does he. This is not a match


Really it's that simple? I shouldn't have a conversation with him about it, maybe find a workable solution? It's just over, done, move along?

Why must I make everything so difficult? :scratchhead:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You did discuss this with him...he dismissed it you said so he is therefore not bothered by it.

And no you don't have to break up but understand this is YOUR choice to stay. If you can be happy with things as they are : little kissing and no oral than fine. 

But realize 2 things:

This will not get better
This was your choice to stay so you therefore have to let it go


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

Wolf you may be right. 

I think if it were me, I'd want him to bring the situation up more than once, and give me a chance to make a change, or to at least know that if I didn't make an effort, the relationship was in danger. Is that not reasonable? 

I'm not talking about nagging the man for life, I'm of the opinion that I will have a conversation with you about something Once, twice, maybe 3 times, and I will tell you this is the last time I will discuss this. If nothing changes, this is what will happen. And I will follow thru.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's one thing for things like this to slip then you talk and try to improve but he's totally shutting you down. DH isn't fond of deep kisses bc mouths freak him out for whatever reason. But he tries and that's what important. 

It puts a whole different spin on things when you're faced with a partner who just shuts you down. I don't know if I could stick around for that.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with Wolf...your choices are really that simple...

You've said that you've told him your concerns...and he has responded with indifference.

Your choices are:
1) stay with the status quo (hasn't changed in 3 yrs..has even gotten worse)...and come to terms with this.
2) leave the situation (just because the choice is simple in itself, I'm not implying that it won't be emotionally difficult).


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

I know Scarlet, I hear what you are saying.

Our previous conversation about these issues was pretty off the cuff. There was no big sit down lets talk about something really important. That's what I want pointers on how to do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Only you can decide how important this is to you. To me, it would be a deal breaker if my partner wouldn't allow me to go down on her. As good as the relationship is, we all have to have boundaries. You just need to decide what yours are, and then enforce them. 

Bringing it up again won't hurt. But I suspect that at best, you'll get a half arsed improvement for awhile, and then the slow fade back to the way things are now. But that's likely just my cynical side showing. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Peachie said:


> Wolf you may be right.
> 
> I think if it were me, I'd want him to bring the situation up more than once, and give me a chance to make a change, or to at least know that if I didn't make an effort, the relationship was in danger. Is that not *reasonable*?
> 
> I'm not talking about nagging the man for life, I'm of the opinion that I will have a conversation with you about something Once, twice, maybe 3 times, and I will tell you this is the last time I will discuss this. If nothing changes, this is what will happen. And I will follow thru.


Of course it's reasonable but you miss the point that this is a non issue to him. You need to be with someone who is on the same page with you on this. Many things can be talked out in relationships. Affection and sex are not one of them. I can prove this by stating it this way. Suppose you talk to him and negotiate that he gives you oral once a week. Do you really want someone giving you that because they obligated themselves and aren't enjoying it. Do you want the thoughts going through your mind how much he is hating that doing it to you?

For me I love oral sex. I wouldn't enjoy it if Gf Wasn't willing or hated doing it. I love going down on her and her me. But this is a big thing we both enjoy. It would be a deal breaker for both of us not to have it and often. So if this is a deal breaker, and I totally think your validated to think it is, then you have to find someone on the same page. This guy won't ever be


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Peachie said:


> I know Scarlet, I hear what you are saying.
> 
> Our previous conversation about these issues was pretty off the cuff. There was no big sit down lets talk about something really important. That's what I want pointers on how to do.


ok well that makes sense,that's possibly why he kind of gave you the brush off. 

I can't tell you exactly what to say but I can tell you to pepper in as much positive stuff as you can to avoid putting him on the defense. Lots of "I" statements..."I need." "I feel" 

But definitely be clear this is something you NEED and if he can't give it to you then you are prepared to weigh your options. He has to know you're serious.


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

Wolf thanks for the more detailed explanation. 

You are correct, I wouldn't want the pity sex. Who would?

I hear you, I don't like what you are saying, but I hear you. And unfortunately I think you may be right.


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> ok well that makes sense,that's possibly why he kind of gave you the brush off.
> 
> I can't tell you exactly what to say but I can tell you to pepper in as much positive stuff as you can to avoid putting him on the defense. Lots of "I" statements..."I need." "I feel"
> 
> But definitely be clear this is something you NEED and if he can't give it to you then you are prepared to weigh your options. He has to know you're serious.


I have nothing to lose by having the conversation. I do think he brushed it off not thinking it was important. Wolf has a good point that some things can't be talked out in a relationship. 

The unfortunate part is I am of the opinion that as my lover he should be willing and happy to do most anything I want him to do, just as I am for him. No animals, other humans, or blood. Those are my exceptions.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Peachie said:


> The unfortunate part is I am of the opinion that as my lover he should be willing and happy to do most anything I want him to do, just as I am for him. No animals, other humans, or blood. Those are my exceptions.


I feel the same way,you're definitely not alone on that! The best thing you can do for yourself is realizing you're not being unreasonable and your requests aren't anything out of the norm no matter what he says.


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

I did have this conversation with him. He said we never kiss because I never want too. Hmmp. That floored me. He said I pull away when he tries to kiss me. That's just not true. I mean, it's just not true. The only time I've pulled away was from a "hello, I'm home from work kiss" and that was a peck on the lips, and I had just eaten garlic. And I said that, oh honey sorry my breath is bad, I just had garlic. 

The oral sex. I told him I was upset that he never wanted to do that. He said 2 things. You think of the oddest things. And 15 mins later, he says he sorry he doesn't please me. 

Is it passive aggressive to turn really vanilla in the sex department? I'm very open and spicy, but he never has been. I mistakenly thought if I was, maybe that would rub off. It hasn't. I'm getting really tired of trying. It's not passive aggressive if I just no longer feel the spiciness right? Cause I sure don't feel much of anything right now.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Peachie said:


> I did have this conversation with him. He said we never kiss because I never want too. Hmmp. That floored me. He said I pull away when he tries to kiss me. That's just not true. I mean, it's just not true. The only time I've pulled away was from a "hello, I'm home from work kiss" and that was a peck on the lips, and I had just eaten garlic. And I said that, oh honey sorry my breath is bad, I just had garlic.
> 
> The oral sex. I told him I was upset that he never wanted to do that. He said 2 things. You think of the oddest things. And 15 mins later, he says he sorry he doesn't please me.
> 
> Is it passive aggressive to turn really vanilla in the sex department? I'm very open and spicy, but he never has been. I mistakenly thought if I was, maybe that would rub off. It hasn't. I'm getting really tired of trying. It's not passive aggressive if I just no longer feel the spiciness right? Cause I sure don't feel much of anything right now.


There it is in a nut shell, you wanted him to change and he hasn't. Looks like the honeymoon is over.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Move on. He's lazy. You don't need an emotionally and sexually lazy guy in your life or future.


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

Cooper said:


> There it is in a nut shell, you wanted him to change and he hasn't. Looks like the honeymoon is over.


I wasn't spicy either until I was with my exhusband. He taught me a lot. I was simply hoping to do the same. So yes I guess I was hoping to change him. Doesn't every relationship change us to some degree? Hopefully for the better.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Any change you should be driving, is change within yourself...not others.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you have sex at all?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am confused - do you mean you haven't kissed on the lips/mouth in addition to him never going down on you?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Peachie said:


> I wasn't spicy either until I was with my exhusband. He taught me a lot. I was simply hoping to do the same. So yes I guess I was hoping to change him. Doesn't every relationship change us to some degree? Hopefully for the better.


A healthy sex life grows and evolves, like anything else. Your BF does not understand this. He got complacent and no longer thinks he needs to work at pleasing you. 

I personally would be hurt if my female partner refused to let me do oral on her. Why? Because I like to satisfy a woman that way, and she would be robbing me of that pleasure and satisfaction. 

Peaches you are only getting a glimpse of what a future with this guy would be like. Don't fall for it. Find a man you can't keep his hands and mouth off of you. Mind a man who lusts after you so bad you have to keep a broom handle handy to whack him off.


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

We have kissed passionately, still not much even in the beginning, but it has dwindled to nothing. He has given me oral exactly 4 times, including the first time we were together. He is actually fantastic at it, that's the really sad part. I definitely think he was pulling out all the stops in the first couple of months, because sex is nothing like it was then.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I need to ask but are you sure, and has he verified, that you are smelling good down there. My experience is that women all smell and taste different. Some good and I loved oral with them and others were not and I couldn't do it. Just want to rule that out as a possibility.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you do not say if you are living with this guy or not. That matters a lot. If you are not shacked up, simply point out that he is not floating your boat like you need, and that you will start dating again in addition to seeing him. Then go out there and try some other guys on for size. You might find that he was not so bad after all, and want to commit to him further. 

If you are already living with him...well I guess you are stuck there for now. Try to work on him a little...sounds like he is just another one of those LD guys that you have to knock upside their heads with lingerie, sexy texts, sexy music videos, sex toys, selfies, etc etc. If that does not spark some new interest, seriously consider trading him in on a new model, he is broken.


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I need to ask but are you sure, and has he verified, that you are smelling good down there. My experience is that women all smell and taste different. Some good and I loved oral with them and others were not and I couldn't do it. Just want to rule that out as a possibility.


There is no odor, nothing. If I smell my fingers after putting them inside me, there is nothing. No smell at all. It's not my hygiene, but I definitely understand why you'd ask.


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