# Love tanks always on empty



## Mnm13040

Hey guys I stumbled upon this forum and would love to hear your advice! My husband and I have been together 12 years now. The first 5 years were fantastic, we always seemed to have everything going for us, relationship wise. we rarely fought, we had sex all the time, we treated each other like royalty. After we had kids and busy working on our careers it seems like those days are long gone and will never return. No matter how hard we try. I suggested we read the book about the 5 love languages. At first we were really excited, something clicked and we thought this would be easy! We were wrong. Three years into trying to fill each other’s love tanks… it seems to be worse knowing them than not knowing. My husbands is physical touch and mine acts of service. (Of course the two opposite of each other) I could care less for physical touch and he could care less for acts of service. Yet we always tend to be showing the other person our love in our own love language. It does NOT come natural for us to express the others persons LL to the other. These days it feels like all my husband does is complain that his tank is empty, I try to tell him that mine is too but it seems to go over his head. He will start listing off little things he does here and there but when I list off stuff I believe is on the same level he will shrug it off. I can never seem to keep up with working full time, raising two kids, being the primary caretaker of the home and bills. I’m exhausted and have nothing to give. When he does do something around the house and I don’t immediately return the favor it goes south. Tons of resentment on both sides and it’s a constant battle to fill his love tank. How do you do it? How do you make a marriage successful when you can’t figure out how to fill each other’s love tanks!? If I start initiating stuff will he finally give me what I need? Why do I always have to start? It’s a never ending cycle of feeling unloved and unappreciated on both sides. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Please help.


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## DownByTheRiver

Doesn't sound like that book worked for you guys so maybe you should set that aside. You both need to be pitching in to take care of the family and house and working and not keeping score necessarily. Maybe you need to hire some help, a housekeeper to come in once a week or once every two weeks. And also maybe hire a sitter once a month and then you two go out on a date like you used to do.


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## Young at Heart

Mnm13040 said:


> Hey guys I stumbled upon this forum and would love to hear your advice! My husband and I have been together 12 years now. The first 5 years were fantastic, we always seemed to have everything going for us, relationship wise. we rarely fought, we had sex all the time, we treated each other like royalty. After we had kids and busy working on our careers it seems like those days are long gone and will never return. No matter how hard we try. I suggested we read the book about the 5 love languages. At first we were really excited, something clicked and we thought this would be easy! We were wrong. Three years into trying to fill each other’s love tanks… it seems to be worse knowing them than not knowing. My husbands is physical touch and mine acts of service. (Of course the two opposite of each other) I could care less for physical touch and he could care less for acts of service. Yet we always tend to be showing the other person our love in our own love language. It does NOT come natural for us to express the others persons LL to the other. These days it feels like all my husband does is complain that his tank is empty, I try to tell him that mine is too but it seems to go over his head. He will start listing off little things he does here and there but when I list off stuff I believe is on the same level he will shrug it off. I can never seem to keep up with working full time, raising two kids, being the primary caretaker of the home and bills. I’m exhausted and have nothing to give. When he does do something around the house and I don’t immediately return the favor it goes south. Tons of resentment on both sides and it’s a constant battle to fill his love tank. How do you do it? How do you make a marriage successful when you can’t figure out how to fill each other’s love tanks!? If I start initiating stuff will he finally give me what I need? Why do I always have to start? It’s a never ending cycle of feeling unloved and unappreciated on both sides. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Please help.


Chapman's book and approach helped me and my wife, but it doesn't work for everyone. The most important part about marriage is commitment by both partners.

You are absolutely correct when you say,


> Yet we always tend to be showing the other person our love in our own love language. It does NOT come natural for us to express the others persons LL to the other.


That is the hard part, at least it was for me. I needed to understand that I needed to express my love for my wife in her love languages IN ADDITION to my own. Early in courting, most couples do what is called mirroring. That is, if I stroke your hair, you will stroke my hair. If you complement me, I will complement you. When you were dating, did the two of you engage in mirroring behavior? 

Yes you art tired. Work with your H to figure out ways to be less tired. Can you afford to bring someone into clean once a week? Can you find a neighbor who you child ro children are friends with where you and the other mother can have your kids do a play date twice a week so you get an afternoon off and she gets an afternoon off? Figure out what it is you need to do to get yourself in a position where you want to be.

Have you thought about marriage counseling with your H?

Good luck.


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## In Absentia

what about some marital counselling?


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## Talker67

"I could care less for physical touch and he could care less for acts of service."

if he touches you...do you back away, or lash out at him?
maybe you could over-ride that instant feeling of revulsion, and let him touch you?

like you are cooking in the kitchen, and he grabs your bum....if you push him away, most guys would take that sort of rejection VERY hard. It is screaming at him "i hate you", even thought that is not the message you are wanting to send. And he will hear that loud and clear and avoid you from then on.

And you never want to blurt out stuff like "all you want is sex!"
that is NOT what he wants, he is trying to tell you he loves you, but in his own way.

maybe change the stuff you are reading online, or the things some toxic feminist friends are telling you...it is killing your marriage.


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## BeyondRepair007

My wife and I have opposite love languages also, and it’s indeed a hard shift to make. Not only do you have express love in a way that is non-intuitive to you, but you also have to be aware of their expressions of love that you might not see otherwise.

Eventually through work and communication my wife and I aligned and we now mostly speak in the others love language. It’s actually a very good place to be.

Those first 5 years were a special time in your lives, before the real work of family set in. You’ll never get those back _exactly_ but you can have something even better. Mature love that can withstand obstacles, while also making time for yourselves and adding some spice can make for a very exciting life.

As others have said, stop keeping score, don’t complain about your love tank, and don’t be transactional (don’t expect something because you did something). Just express love, treat your partner well, and know that they are trying to do the same. Prioritize each other, work hard when you have too but also stop working and focus on the other person when you can.

Edit to add:
My comments are not meant only for OP but for H also.
One person is not at fault and one person cannot fix what is broken.
I realize now that my comments did not come off that way.


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## Diana7

The point if that book us so you can consciously give your partner what they need. You have to make the effort though, after a while it will come more naturally.


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## Livvie

If you "could care less about physical touch" that's not really a love language difference issue, that's a massive general relationship issue. 

Most regular people in an intimate relationship, that's not a friendship, expect that physical touch will be a large component of it and want regular, happy, _mutual_ physical touch. That's what makes you more than just friends with another person, isn't it? Unless you are FWB or **** buddies with a friend, you don't go around hugging kissing touching cuddling having sex with your friends. You do that with a spouse or intimate partner.

So if you aren't interested in physical touch you aren't providing the basics of an intimate relationship in your marriage.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Mnm13040 said:


> _*My husbands is physical touch and mine acts of service. (Of course the two opposite of each other) I could care less for physical touch and he could care less for acts of service. *_



LOL...is there a man on this planet whose 'love language' *ISN'T* physical touch?

I'm sure there are a few out there who differ, but they're very few and far between.

*



These days it feels like all my husband does is complain that his tank is empty...

Click to expand...

*Lordy. Does he actually SAY those words about his "tank?" My husband would jump off a cliff before talking about his 'love tank.' 🤣

OP, stop with the self help books for the love of God. No book is going to magically make you two reconnect. YOU TWO have to do that, not some silly book.


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## Diceplayer

Mnm13040 said:


> The first 5 years were fantastic, we always seemed to have everything going for us, relationship wise. we rarely fought, we had sex all the time, we treated each other like royalty. After we had kids and busy working on our careers it seems like those days are long gone and will never return. No matter how hard we try.


This is normal. The honeymoon does not last forever. Situations change, people change, people grow. So no, you will not get those days back because they are long gone. Quit pining for the "good old days" and concentrate on the here and now. Quit keeping score and love your husband, your family and your situation for what it is now. You're right, it's not easy. Marriage is hard. You have to work at it, but it's worth it.


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## BeyondRepair007

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...is there a man on this planet whose 'love language' *ISN'T* physical touch?


You're may be right about that. It's true in my case.

But I want to make a general comment that 'physical touch' does not mean just 'sexual touch'.

When I pass my wife in the kitchen I have a strong urge to just touch/caress her shoulder on the way by (not sexual).
When she passes by me in my chair I reach out to touch her hand as she passes.
Many other examples like this

Those things are 'instinctual' to me rather than deliberate thought. It's my default expression of love.
A previous wife avoided those moments of contact and it hurt me, the same as a verbal rejection would.

For those who didn't know, there ya go.
For those who did know, ignore me.


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## Lotsofheart73

STOP KEEPING SCORE!!
I think others already said this but I had to say it again. That is the first thing that your post screams to me. I

I think both of you need to be committed to making the relationship work and not making things work just so you (either of you) can get what you want.

Ive been in your situation with 3 kids and running the show. Married 5 years before kid #1 arrived. 6 yrs later kid#2 and then 13 months later kid#3. The hardest years were right after #3 was born and for the next 7 years. We kinda just took on roles of provider / parent and didn’t keep “us” in the forefront. Not good. Now here we are at 20+ years married trying to get it right. You and husband need tohave time together. Housekeeper would help if you can afford it. Also, make date night happen. Even if you have to put kids to bed and have it at home. Make a plan, kids go to bed early (this works good when daylight savings time starts - put them to bed when bedtime is on standard time, they won’t notice), Food perhaps cooked early or take out ordered (food that you don’t have everyday-something special), candles or whatever you like to make it special.

Again, tit for tat will just bring you guys down.


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## ccpowerslave

Don’t put too much into any one book. It’s a tool you can use if it is helpful and if not kick it to the curb.

I would have a conversation about your marriage with him. Tell him how you feel tired and underwater and wish that you had solutions to those things. Not a prescriptive fix, let him know what you’re feeling.

If he loves you and using a dunderhead he’ll find a way to help with those things.

A transaction like you put X in my tank and Y comes out isn’t going to work in my experience because the “exchange rate” of X and Y is a complicated function and quite varied.

Ultimately it’s a tool.

We both have quality time. Her idea of quality time is doing whatever travel she wants, which takes hours, days, weeks! My idea of quality time is she puts her work down to eat dinner and watch TV for an hour. They’re both valid, but the effort to fill her tank is considerably higher than it is to fill my tank for the same “love language”. With that said, I think we kind of get the same thing out of it.

So there’s nothing equal or fair about the exchange rate. She can pump a gallon into my tank for $0.99 and for me to pump a gallon into her tank it’s $999.99. That’s just how it is.

The good news is, making your partner happier will make you happier.


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## BigDaddyNY

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...is there a man on this planet whose 'love language' *ISN'T* physical touch?
> 
> I'm sure there are a few out there who differ, but they're very few and far between.
> 
> 
> Lordy. Does he actually SAY those words about his "tank?" My husband would jump off a cliff before talking about his 'love tank.' 🤣
> 
> OP, stop with the self help books for the love of God. No book is going to magically make you two reconnect. YOU TWO have to do that, not some silly book.


Surprisingly my top love language isn't physical touch, in spite of loving sexual intimacy with my wife. For me top two are quality time and words of affirmation, my wife is acts of service and quality time.


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## Diana7

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...is there a man on this planet whose 'love language' *ISN'T* physical touch?
> 
> I'm sure there are a few out there who differ, but they're very few and far between.
> 
> 
> Lordy. Does he actually SAY those words about his "tank?" My husband would jump off a cliff before talking about his 'love tank.' 🤣
> 
> OP, stop with the self help books for the love of God. No book is going to magically make you two reconnect. YOU TWO have to do that, not some silly book.


Its actually a really helpful book for many.


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## BigDaddyNY

Mnm13040 said:


> Hey guys I stumbled upon this forum and would love to hear your advice! My husband and I have been together 12 years now. The first 5 years were fantastic, we always seemed to have everything going for us, relationship wise. we rarely fought, we had sex all the time, we treated each other like royalty. After we had kids and busy working on our careers it seems like those days are long gone and will never return. No matter how hard we try. I suggested we read the book about the 5 love languages. At first we were really excited, something clicked and we thought this would be easy! We were wrong. Three years into trying to fill each other’s love tanks… it seems to be worse knowing them than not knowing. My husbands is physical touch and mine acts of service. (Of course the two opposite of each other) I could care less for physical touch and he could care less for acts of service. Yet we always tend to be showing the other person our love in our own love language. It does NOT come natural for us to express the others persons LL to the other. These days it feels like all my husband does is complain that his tank is empty, I try to tell him that mine is too but it seems to go over his head. He will start listing off little things he does here and there but when I list off stuff I believe is on the same level he will shrug it off. I can never seem to keep up with working full time, raising two kids, being the primary caretaker of the home and bills. I’m exhausted and have nothing to give. When he does do something around the house and I don’t immediately return the favor it goes south. Tons of resentment on both sides and it’s a constant battle to fill his love tank. How do you do it? How do you make a marriage successful when you can’t figure out how to fill each other’s love tanks!? If I start initiating stuff will he finally give me what I need? Why do I always have to start? It’s a never ending cycle of feeling unloved and unappreciated on both sides. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Please help.


The love languages are a useful tool, but it sounds like you are too hung up on them. Use them as a guide, but not the rule book for your marriage.

I don't know if this will work for you, but it worked for me. A few years ago I started really focusing on making our already good marriage even better. We didn't officially know our love languages at the time, that came later. However, I knew my wife really appreciated when I took tasks off her plate. She would easily get into a bad mood if her to-do list got too long. I wanted more time and intimacy with her and would get cranky if I didn't get it. I made the conscious decision to take as much off her plate as my time allowed. It wasn't easy at first, because it was a change in behavior for me. Over time it just became normal for me and I don't even think twice about it anymore. 

What I never did was say, "hey, look what I did for you!" I also never made it transactional. I was not expecting that if I did X she would do Y in return for me. I made the conscious choice to do these things because I wanted to do it for her, no other reason. There was a short time lag where I didn't see a noticeable response from my wife. Before long though she responded. I got more time with her, she became even more affectionate than she already was and she looked for things to do for me. This made me want to do more for her and everything just snowballed from there. Today I can't imagine our marriage being in a better place. 

Now, the risk is that maybe your husband doesn't respond in the same way as my wife did. It will take patience and discipline to not toot your on horn and not try to get credit for what you are doing. Don't do it because you want something in return, do it because you want to do it for him. If the love and connection are real you will start getting it back from him, I hope. If nothing else you can feel good about the fact that you are doing something for the man you love. 

A few thoughts on how to easily crank up things on the physical touch front. Start taking showers together, daily if you can. If not, at least do it on weekends/days off. This really takes almost no effort on your part and is a huge source of physical touch. Another one is sleep in the nude and cuddle. Again, not a difficult thing to do, almost no effort. This last one takes a little effort, but not much. Every time you walk by your husband give him a little kiss and a hug. If you are feeling a little risqué, give his butt or his junk a little squeeze at the same time. None of these should be very difficult and will go a long way to giving him what he needs/wants. Then be patient to see what you get in return.


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## hamadryad

If I said my love tank was empty, it would have a whole different meaning....; 😉 😂

Anyway...IME, it's hard to recover from what you are talking about...Usually when that ship sails, its gone forever...I don't know how books and counseling help this...I believe many sexual relationships just are intended to expire and there isn't a whole lot that can be done....Even those who claim to have "recovered' it's more like a scheduled and orchestrated type of thing, more for maintenance than passion or excitement...

Hopefully you can get beyond it, I am sorry I wasn't more help...


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## Rob_1

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...is there a man on this planet whose 'love language' *ISN'T* physical touch?


But of course, we are men, so that's a giving. It's part of men biological imperatives, just like a woman biological imperative to nurture (exceptions, exceptions for both sexes of course). 

There are men that touch means "I want sex", there are men that it's just and imperative to show "I care", to caress with no sexual intentions. Each woman in a relationship with a man needs to gauge her own man to conclude what's his touch's intentions are, rather than jumping to defensive mode at the touch. To me, a woman jumping into defensive mode is an indication that something is wrong.


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## TexasMom1216

She'sStillGotIt said:


> My husband would jump off a cliff before talking about his 'love tank.


Every time I read it, I think "Loooveee TANK! Rusted." 🤣 (showing my age)


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## BigDaddyNY

TexasMom1216 said:


> Every time I read it, I think "Loooveee TANK! Rusted." 🤣 (showing my age)


It is "tin roof, rusted" 

I love the song, Love Shack. My wife worked for a company that had epic Christmas parties and summer weekend getaways. Always involved open bar and a DJ. Without fail that song came on when everyone was lit and it filled the dance floor, lol. 


So this isn't a TJ, I wonder, does the OP's husband actually use the words, "my love tank is empty"? That just seems really odd.


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## theloveofmylife

As others mentioned, it sounds like you guys are keeping score or being transactional. Look up covert contracts.

To truly give yourself to someone, you have to do so without expecting anything in return. If you have a loving, giving, partner the reciprocity will take care of itself - even if not immediately or every time.


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## In Absentia

It's a common story... busy lives, full time jobs, small children, it is easy to lose sight of the reasons why we got married in the first place. Resentment builds and sometimes you can't get it back. MC is the way to go, to pinpoint the real reasons. Although books are useful, they will never offer you ad hoc solutions or the possibility to talk in front of an impartial counsellor and sometimes can even be misleading..


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## SunCMars

Not caring a whit about your husbands touch infers a bitter reflex twitch, within, withal, that overcomes you.

What is it about your husband that you resent?

I see it as plain as your 'noise'.



_Lilith-_


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## Rus47

Mnm13040 said:


> How do you do it? How do you make a marriage successful when you can’t figure out how to fill each other’s love tanks!? If I start initiating stuff will he finally give me what I need? Why do I always have to start? It’s a never ending cycle of feeling unloved and unappreciated on both sides


I never heard of that book until joined TAM. Fortunately I suppose, on taking the test, wife n I both have touch as the top. Just ditch the book and have some conversation instead.

Seems to me DBTR’s advice and others were right on. Can two of you hire some help with house and kids so you aren’t exhausted (and resentful)? Are there Grandparents to watch the kids some evenings? Most grandparents LOVE having their grandchildren visit.

Not sure how to get someone to “serve” you if that desire doesn’t come naturally.


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## TexasMom1216

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is "tin roof, rusted"


It was a joke. Obviously didn't land.


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## SunCMars

I see these feelings as some sort of mental redirection.

You are unhappy with your situation in life, such that, you shift that feeling, into being merely attributable to his roaming hands.



_King Brian-_


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## theloveofmylife

SunCMars said:


> I see these feelings as some sort of mental redirection.
> 
> You are unhappy with your situation in life, such that, you shift that feeling, into being merely attributable to his roaming hands.
> 
> 
> 
> _King Brian-_


I think you struck the nail for a lot of relationships.


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## thunderchad

Marital satisfaction goes down hill big time for just about everyone after having kids. Read this for the fix: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman - Couples | The Gottman Institute


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## happyhusband0005

ccpowerslave said:


> The good news is, making your partner happier will make you happier.


I think this is an important point. Because if for one or both people in a relationship, this isn't true, theres a serious problem.


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## Anastasia6

I was struck by your post. You work full time, primary care giver and keep the house. What does your husband do.

Sure there is love languages. But there is also just plain resentment from having a partner who doesn't do their fair share.

I assume he has a job (but tell us if he doesn't). How much does he do for the kids and the house? There is nothing more exhausting and frustrating than having to feel like you are doing it all on your own. IN addition him doing his fair share isn't the same as acts of service. It seems like perhaps he does something around the house and then thinks oh you will have sex with him? Did I read that wrong? You two should be having sex but I also understand being tired and resentful. How have you two addressed the disconnect? What are the conversations like?


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## TexasMom1216

Anastasia6 said:


> But there is also just plain resentment from having a partner who doesn't do their fair share.


No one likes to feel used. Whether it's as an ATM (for men) or a "wife appliance," feeling used and taken for granted isn't exactly conducive to feeling sexy.


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## Young at Heart

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...is there a man on this planet whose 'love language' *ISN'T* physical touch?
> 
> I'm sure there are a few out there who differ, but they're very few and far between.
> 
> 
> Lordy. Does he actually SAY those words about his "tank?" My husband would jump off a cliff before talking about his 'love tank.' 🤣
> 
> OP, stop with the self help books for the love of God. No book is going to magically make you two reconnect. YOU TWO have to do that, not some silly book.






BeyondRepair007 said:


> You're may be right about that. It's true in my case.
> 
> But I want to make a general comment that 'physical touch' does not mean just 'sexual touch'.
> 
> When I pass my wife in the kitchen I have a strong urge to just touch/caress her shoulder on the way by (not sexual).
> When she passes by me in my chair I reach out to touch her hand as she passes.
> Many other examples like this
> 
> Those things are 'instinctual' to me rather than deliberate thought. It's my default expression of love.
> A previous wife avoided those moments of contact and it hurt me, the same as a verbal rejection would.
> 
> For those who didn't know, there ya go.
> For those who did know, ignore me.


There is a great book by a noted relationship expert that puts some perspective on this topic. Dr. Sue Johnson who has founded emotional focused couples therapy, wrote the book Hold Me Tight. It explain how mammals and people in particular need touch for their emotional health and to physically thrive.

Men in particular are usually trained to not be all touchy-feely. It is hard for many of them to get the amount of touch they need. When rebuilding my marriage with the help of a sex therapist, one of the more pivotal things my wife and I did was to do Sensate Focus exercises. This helped us both learn to separate sex from sensual touch. It also helped us learn to accept and enjoy touch without any implicit sexual expectations. Sometimes touch can be separated from foreplay. Some time it can be about being pampered. Sometimes it can be an act of service showing love and a gift of pleasure and caring to your partner.

And yes, as a man, touch is my primary love language.


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## Young at Heart

thunderchad said:


> Marital satisfaction goes down hill big time for just about everyone after having kids. Read this for the fix: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman - Couples | The Gottman Institute


Great book. I have meet the Gottmans (Husband and wife team) and my wife and I did one of their full weekend relationship workshops. What an exhausting, but incredibly worthwhile event. It taught us both so much.

Where I live, their Love Lab is quite famous. In fact they are known as the people to go to when marriage counselor's have problems with their marriage.

At times their approach seems kind of mechanical, but it generally produces results.

Their concepts on emotional flooding, hard starts to fights, and how to negotiate "grid lock" issues really helped my wife and I address the problems in our marriage.

Truly an excellent recommendation.


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## Mr.Married

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...is there a man on this planet whose 'love language' *ISN'T*


Charlie Parkers love language is tacos !!


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

theloveofmylife said:


> As others mentioned, it sounds like you guys are keeping score or being transactional. Look up covert contracts.
> 
> To truly give yourself to someone, you have to do so without expecting anything in return. If you have a loving, giving, partner the reciprocity will take care of itself - even if not immediately or every time.


That isn't how love works but how love, when two people are great and involved, treat love. You do not, however, go in to anything no expecting a return. That means you shouldn't be trust to love because you'll be crushed forever when your dog dies.
I have the experience to know what it is but experience isn't required. You are describing the part of love where you selfishly prefer one human over all others. That isn't something I would brag about. 
Be true, admit that we are afraid of love and know that we do many things out of love and most of them aren't "doing the right thing." Love is not all hard chore and war. It is soft and you should be silently expecting your "selfless" love acts to be notice by your loved ones and credit their banking system internally.


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## Divinely Favored

Mnm13040 said:


> Hey guys I stumbled upon this forum and would love to hear your advice! My husband and I have been together 12 years now. The first 5 years were fantastic, we always seemed to have everything going for us, relationship wise. we rarely fought, we had sex all the time, we treated each other like royalty. After we had kids and busy working on our careers it seems like those days are long gone and will never return. No matter how hard we try. I suggested we read the book about the 5 love languages. At first we were really excited, something clicked and we thought this would be easy! We were wrong. Three years into trying to fill each other’s love tanks… it seems to be worse knowing them than not knowing. My husbands is physical touch and mine acts of service. (Of course the two opposite of each other) I could care less for physical touch and he could care less for acts of service. Yet we always tend to be showing the other person our love in our own love language. It does NOT come natural for us to express the others persons LL to the other. These days it feels like all my husband does is complain that his tank is empty, I try to tell him that mine is too but it seems to go over his head. He will start listing off little things he does here and there but when I list off stuff I believe is on the same level he will shrug it off. I can never seem to keep up with working full time, raising two kids, being the primary caretaker of the home and bills. I’m exhausted and have nothing to give. When he does do something around the house and I don’t immediately return the favor it goes south. Tons of resentment on both sides and it’s a constant battle to fill his love tank. How do you do it? How do you make a marriage successful when you can’t figure out how to fill each other’s love tanks!? If I start initiating stuff will he finally give me what I need? Why do I always have to start? It’s a never ending cycle of feeling unloved and unappreciated on both sides. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Please help.


There is a saying that the way to keep a man happy and faithful is "A full belly and empty balls". My wife goes by that saying. 

As a man that feels connection and emotion via physical intimacy, when a wife withdraws that I become resentful and emotionally distant from her. Feeling like wafe does not want you does not encourage one to do things for her.

After our kids were born, she complained more and more. She does everything, bla, bla, bla. 
Bull crap! 
She did bills and laundry(because I did not fold like she wanted) I tried to wash towels..."I was going to wash whites first!" Fine..that is your monkey then. 

Both cooked meals/washed dishes. 
I vacuum and do all yardwork, vehicle maintenance.
Both change and bathe kids
She was compulsive about cleaning so two small boys leaving toys around drove her nuts.

She had bad childhood so she essentially forgot she was a wife first and went overboard on being a mom.
Problem is she made no time for hubby and was resentful that since she put it all into the kids she was resentful of me and saying she had no her time. 

The physical intimacy dropped to ~3x month and she was more aroused during her time. So imaging how that makes a guy feel when his wife mainly wants intimacy during her period. 

We had 2 kids under 8 and I was ready to eject and feeling completely unloved. I started buffing up and lost 60lbs in 6 weeks. I was detaching and preparing to be single again and that really got her attention and scared the **** out of her as she thought I was already gone. 

During all this I found TAM. Read NMMNG and MMSLP and I jumped in with both feet. What did I have to loose? Last ditch effort.

A page was turned. I took control of the ship. I became the Captain that the husband is supposed to be. We started communicating! The good, the bad and the ugly. I said some issues with her that I had for a long long time. She never knew...it left her stunned and took a month for her to regain her footing, so to speak. 

Her respect for me jumped considerably and so did her attraction. At the same time, with the greatly increased intimacy, I felt emotionally close again and would move heaven and earth for her. 

Wife and I both read Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and also PCAF of Marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. That is one woman that has men figured out. You still have men who don't fit any mold, so not all apply.
But generally, she can "Read our mail" she also does a great job with insight to women's minds.

Our marriage is stronger than ever. Both are happy as ever with each other. Sex ~4-5x week. Married 25 yrs in May.


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## SnakePlissken

This may sound like a silly question. Do you know the top three areas to communicate love via touch to your husband? I am an act of service person in terms of love language and my wife is touch. Due to some childhood issues I'm not all that fond of touching and/or being touched. So, it doesn't come naturally to me. I have learned that there are certain areas (that aren't foreplay or sexual) that maximize the message of love I am trying to communicate to her via touch. So, I take note of positive reactions and ask her what she likes. Both of us felt very awkward having this conversation on what best communicates love after 10 years of marriage btw...I think we were both embarrassed by our ignorance. For example, I run of my hand down her back and it is a very effective way to communicate love. I also make sure to touch my wife in some caring way darn near every time I am near her to reinforce my love for her. At first this was beyond uncomfortable for me, and over time with focus it became habit.

When I am negligent in doing these few second touches, I can see the difference in how she feels about our relationship. 

I hope this helps you.


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## GoodDad5

To the OP, I can totally relate. My love language is physical touch and my wife’s is acts of service. I feel like I’m constantly fulfilling her love language with doing things like getting her coffee, helping out around the house, etc. I have to just about beg her for physical touch though and I’m done trying. Physical touch is the least of her love languages. Married 20 years with two kids. Intimacy has been a problem since right after we got married.


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## Seems Like Yesterday

Seems to me each spouse should be self aware and know themselves and their mate and what is required for a marriage in general or required for your unique marriage regardless of love languages. LL cannot stand by themselves if cracks in the marriage exist and run concurrently since this prevents tanks filling. As they drain while filling. If focusing on LL's work for you great. Both probably one on the solution! If not who is not self aware of their actions and their consequences unfilling or not filling a spouce's tanks and or self awareness and communication to fill them. A spouce should embrace such things. Sometimes focusing on love languages helps the blind to see. However some choose to remain blind and the problem remains regardless of type of LL's. 

I remain contrary to it is never only ones fault but it is both. Yes both fall short in areas and communication dysfunction but at times for certain issues it is ones fault entirely. And the reason they remain blind and at fault, is the issue, not that love tanks are not filled! Dissolve that and victory me thinks. The hard part. If easy folks would not post as much or seek help. However addressed until both stop playing house and be a marriage little can be done. Both have to be self aware and ONE and ecentially be in each others shoes to relate and both focus on love for each.

Which means to me keeping a guy fed and balls empty is in no way a solution for some marriages. It will not fix blindness, selfishness, or addresses root problems!


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## Girl_power

I know this doesn’t make you feel better, but your not the only one with this problem. It IS hard. 

We have to actually work on not getting resentful of our partners because we are so hyper focused on how we feel, and what we are doing for the other person, and what they aren’t doing for us. It’s a recipe to be miserable. 

Sit down one day and ask your husband, what specially makes you feel loved? And actually write down what he says. Have him write down what specifically makes you feel loved. Keep the list. Don’t waste your time putting in effort that he doesn’t appreciate…. Don’t wake up early and make him a big breakfast if he doesn’t see that as love. Because when you put in effort like that, you will get resentful. Don’t waste your time. Be purposeful and pick something from the list and do it. 

I hope that you guys can come together and verbally love each other. Verbally tell them good positive things.


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## FrenchQuarter

OP, I saw no replies to your question "why do I always have to start?" - so to be helpful I will share my experience. 
I had 15 happy years married to a great guy whose love language was physical touch. My love language was words of affirmation. And I was highly touch avoidant due to PTSD reasons.
It was very difficult for me to touch him and let him touch me, enough for his expectations and needs. I made heroic efforts because I wanted him to feel loved. I asked hubby this same question. 
He said more or less the following (paraphrased):

You don't "always" have to start filling your hubby's love tank, but the higher the percentage of affectionate physical touch interactions are started by you rather than initiated by him, the more loved he will feel. 

This is because when _you_ start the loving touch he feels overwhelmingly positive: he feels you genuinely desire and appreciate him.

Unfortunately when hubby has to initiate the loving touch by asking you for touch or by touching you first, he feels you are providing touch out of duty, which is slightly negative and thus, this bummer of a situation doesn't fill his love tank much at all.


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## SunCMars

_When resentment finds itself, a home, that physical touch finds itself, out in the cold.

Are Dee- _from his notes.


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## Affaircare

The Original Poster (OP) was last seen Mar 25, 2022.


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