# Stupid...senseless...why???



## BlueMoon21 (Oct 8, 2010)

I have been married for 15 years and have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. Our kids are mine from a former relationship, a 25 year old, who has two of his own, and a 12 year old we share. Our marriage has a history of physical difficulties culminating in being a sexless marriage for the past 2 years. 
During that time, I have sunk into a very difficult depression (for which I am being treated), something I have battled most of my life. Recently, I began fantasizing about a friend, and continued the fantasy to the point of verbalizing it to a confidant as though there had been contact. This has been occurring over about 7 weeks' time. The object of the fantasy has absolutely no idea about it, nor does his sister, my best friend. I was mostly silent about the whole thing, but then somehow I needed to discuss, for lack of a better word, the fantasy itself, and frankly was looking for attention from an older woman I know since my mother just died. She volunteered to be my 'mom', and in my lifetime I never learned that you can just expect attention and caring from your parents, that you always have to do something dramatic to get their it, but that's another story...
My husband woke me from a sound sleep at around 2 a.m. this morning, with my cell phone in his hand. He read what I had written to my friend about ending the fictitious relationship, and that I was disgusted by it and the way I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. Please understand this thing had a life of its own in my mind...I have always heard the mind is powerful but had no idea just what it was capable of until now.
Well, needless to say I have handed him the smoking gun and he is divorcing me. I (laughably) have spent the day trying to explain this bizarre situation to him, to no avail. We have had such stress in our relationship, especially lately, and me pushing him away coupled with this sick mind game I have played is going to be the end of us. 
I post this more as a warning than looking for advice, because between what we had already been going through, I took a marriage with nothing more than a thready pulse and pulled the plug with this ridiculous, selfish stunt. I was hung up on myself, immersed in my depression, and greedy for self-satisfaction, and so I played my body to the tune of my own mind in order to achieve what was 'mine'--in return, I lost everything, ruined everything, hurt everyone (kids don't know yet but they will certainly notice when one of their parents doesn't live here anymore), and destroyed our 20 years of togetherness through thick and thin--the most ludicrous thing about the entire story is that if the person I focused my mental desires on heard about this, he would be shocked--cuz he doesn't even KNOW. So--it's not like I can just run into his loving, waiting arms as some others who have had PA's can, because this situation doesn't even exist.
So--here's just another in the million ways to wreck your marriage. If you're like me, selfish, resentful and mid-lifing through menopause and other long-standing emotional issues, you, too can use this sure-fire method to destroy your only ally in life, ruin your marriage, defile your bed, cruelly injure and emotionally maim your spouse, obliterate your family, and for what--a stupid, crappy fantasy about someone who doesn't even know you exist that you wanted to brag about??? 
I will not be at the table with my family at Thanksgiving nor around the Christmas tree because of this, folks. My inlaws will disown me, my sisters- and brother-in-law will hate me. My own blood relatives are currently warring over an estate and I barely talk to them--my mother is dead and now I've lost the only family I have left.
Stupid question to ask, because I know this one takes the cake, but anyone else ever get involved in this type of thing and have it bite you in the *ss??


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

BlueMoon21 said:


> Stupid question to ask, because I know this one takes the cake, but anyone else ever get involved in this type of thing and have it bite you in the *ss??


not this type of thing exactly, but i lived in my own fantasy world and it did bite me in the *ss down the road. i lost a lot in the process. im really sorry for what you're going through, especially since it is the holidays.


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