# Looking for tips on how to be better at sex (from women preferably)



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Hi Ladies (and guys too), 

Recently I've seen some great improvements with my wife in frequency of sex and now want to put some effort into being a better sexual partner. My primary obstacle is with my wife being a 'CSA' victim when she was younger. This has rendered her very non-expressive sexually. Sex is difficult to even talk about despite the fact that she is, in all other aspects, a very assertive woman. She is incredible shape and takes much pride in her physical appearance but at the same time is quite sexually repressed. As an example - the other night while in the act I gently mentioned 'I want you to enjoy this more than me'. Her response was 'that's ok'. She tends to close her eyes and gently caress my back etc until I finish (which is these days a good 20 minutes)

With that brief explanation - I'm trying to gently coax her to put her pleasure first. It seems last time I maybe made some progress by the following steps. First I told her in semi comedic fashion that I was trying to find her g-spot. I try to downplay any intensity as that always seems the best in breaking down walls she has up most of the time. From there I tried some different motions such as less thrusting and more pressure and pushing. I immediately noticed more of a response from her as she pushed back in a growing intensity - additionally I noticed much more lubrication coming from within - to the point that there was an unusual nearly dripping of natural warm lubrication. I thought 'omg - I'm getting somewhere!'. It seemed I'd discovered a better technique. 

Please keep in mind I do ask her what she likes and typically she'll give one or two pieces of advice but she does not have a whole lot of patience in directing me. 

So! I am hoping some women (and men) can give some feedback of how to be (simply stated) better at sex. I imagine that hopefully one day she'll be comfortable enough to just let loose and try harder to orgasm. She seems so repressed sometimes and it's sad in a way that she can't just open up and really exploit the fact that she has a husband who would never say 'no not tonight' and can very readily perform.

I feel that the time is right for her to open up more and just want to encourage her to enjoy something she has buried deeply due to past experiences.

If anyone has been though 'CSA' and been successful developing a strong sexual relationship with their partner, I would love to hear any advice from both the psychological and physical points of view. Please feel free to divulge. Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Let's have all your secrets and darkest desires in this thread, please. Think of this as a confessional...


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> Let's have all your secrets and darkest desires in this thread, please. Think of this as a confessional...


Lol - I like it - confessional. Ok let me preface by saying that I don't particularly have anything too risqué - been there done that at least to my standards -

Generally speaking if I could sum it all up I'd want more feelings of desire from my wife - I'd like her to be more vocal and say things like 'I want you now' - or even 'f{%{* me now!' But I doubt she'll ever express like that as she sees that type of thing as corny. On the other end of the spectrum she has fulfilled most oft desires such as dressing up in semi punk fishnets and has recently adorned herself with an awesome tattoo. We've done things like use foods and paints (so called 'sploshing' etc). As far as acts go, I'm not that into anything too wild - don't care for anal and that kind of stuff. However, I would entertain it if he wanted and, so all I really want at this point is for her to state what she wants and I suspect there are buried desires that she simply does not want to express. I am open and would try most things within the boundaries of safety and monogamy. 

As you can see my confessional is simply for her to let go and become uninhibited. Boring, I know but from my perspective, I am mostly satisfied and have no real rocks unturned - about the only thing I'd like to do at this point is take a shower together fully dressed and strip down naked whole in the shower and go to town right then and there!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

KendalMintcake said:


> Lol - I like it - confessional. Ok let me preface by saying that I don't particularly have anything too risqué - been there done that at least to my standards -
> 
> Generally speaking if I could sum it all up I'd want more feelings of desire from my wife - I'd like her to be more vocal and say things like *'I want you now' - or even 'f{%{* me now!'* But I doubt she'll ever express like that as she sees that type of thing as corny. On the other end of the spectrum she has fulfilled most oft desires such as dressing up in semi punk fishnets and has recently adorned herself with an awesome tattoo. We've done things like use foods and paints (so called 'sploshing' etc). As far as acts go, I'm not that into anything too wild - don't care for anal and that kind of stuff. However, I would entertain it if he wanted and, so all I really want at this point is for her to state what she wants and I suspect there are buried desires that she simply does not want to express. I am open and would try most things within the boundaries of safety and monogamy.
> 
> ...


I said it to my husband but he said it was not really attractive for a woman to say it . I called my husband while he was in the living room and said "please come to bedroom now and bang the h*ll out of me" or "Let's me give you head please". His reaction was like "Gosh, are you sure you are a woman?".


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

kitty2013 said:


> I said it to my husband but he said it was not really attractive for a woman to say it . I called my husband while he was in the living room and said "please come to bedroom now and bang the h*ll out of me" or "Let's me give you head please". His reaction was like "Gosh, are you sure you are a woman?".


With all due respect to your husband, he's crazy.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Has she been in therapy? 
She is most likely fighting memories that come up during sex. It might seem she's repressed but she's probably closing her eyes trying to zone out long enough for you to orgasm. 
She needs therapy to break the connection between sex now and abuse in the past.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

KendalMintcake said:


> Hi Ladies (and guys too),
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I was abused when I was young more than once. It happened again at older age. I had no support. I was too scared to tell anyone. No one would believe anyway. Sex was painful for me. I took psychology and mental health courses and learned to accept the fact that it was NOT my fault. I looked at the situation from a therapist perspective to help clearing my mind from the emotions. Understanding that the abuser is having issues himself. I knew someone who suffered from severe depression by his past behavior. I learn to forgive. I try to think of sex as a way to continue human race and a joyful experience instead of a sin. I really like sex now, but sometimes I still have a hard time forgiving myself for what happened to me. I put myself in danger and I could not blame anyone but myself. My self-esteem is a lot better but I am still working on it. I went to counseling twice and the lady told me one thing and it was powerful enough to help me.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

sinnister said:


> With all due respect to your husband, he's crazy.


That was very nice of you to add the "respect part" since I was rather thinking d0uche bAg...

ETA: Since when is D0uche bag a swear word that needs to be censored?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When I was working on coming out of my sexual shell, I first had to come to terms with my dirty sexual fantasies. I couldn't even admit them to myself. I spent a long time, like several years, in this stage. Once I could admit to myself that I had this dirty mind and these dirty thoughts that did turn me on and make me feel aroused, I was kinda angry at my H for not helping me explore this. Based on my experience I would suggest you....

1. Talk during and after every sexual encounter. Get her used to hearing you express yourself, and then she will begin to feel safer expressing herself. 
Say things like that feels good or do it like this or whatever gentle direction you can give. 
Next step would be to ask gentle questions, "which do you like better, this way or that way?"
Talk after sex and be specific. "I love it when you rubbed your nails down my arm right when I was coming..." Gently ask for her to say what she liked best or didn't like so much.
This is all just to get her used to communicating about he sex between you two. You talked about stumbling onto a technique that knocked her socks off, you two should have discussed that afterwards. You tell her what you noticed and what you think it means, she can agree or not.

2. Try new things. Some CSAs need to feel in control all the time, others (like me) only sometimes. I have yet to hear from any woman who doesn't viscerally respond to slight erotic domination. Whether you rag doll her, hold her hand above her head during missionary, smack her butt gently during doggy style, I don't know any women who don't love it! Even CSA s.

3. Let her know what you want from her with out pressuring her. If she knows you're trying to help her open up sexually, be more sexually expressive (because what the SOB did to her SHOULD NOT be allowed to impact her life the way it has) then she can keep trying on her own. Each little success he has, that you both celebrate and acknowledge, grows exponentially as she learns to heal. 

Once we learn how to heal, and that healing is not only safe but goddamn powerful, the sky's the limit baby!


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

kitty2013 said:


> I was abused when I was young more than once. It happened again at older age. I had no support. I was too scared to tell anyone. No one would believe anyway. Sex was painful for me. I took psychology and mental health courses and learned to accept the fact that it was NOT my fault. I looked at the situation from a therapist perspective to help clearing my mind from the emotions. Understanding that the abuser is having issues himself. I knew someone who suffered from severe depression by his past behavior. I learn to forgive. I try to think of sex as a way to continue human race and a joyful experience instead of a sin. I really like sex now, but sometimes I still have a hard time forgiving myself for what happened to me. I put myself in danger and I could not blame anyone but myself. My self-esteem is a lot better but I am still working on it. I went to counseling twice and the lady told me one thing and it was powerful enough to help me.


Thanks for being so candid about your past. I realize that for a victim much, or most of the progress had to be made by you yourself when you are ready. I have discovered through trial and error that when the partner gets involved in recovery, it's more likely that the partner will only exacerbate things and only after really understanding the situation can he / she (the partner) help. The best way to help is to first emphasize that there is no judgement or pressure coming from my end. Second, it seems best to bring predictability so as to avoid recreating situations that are reminiscent of abuse where the victim is rendered powerless and at the mercy of someone else's uncontrollable urges. So I need to exercise and demonstrate control of myself as well as extend a helping hand when needed. The trick seems to be to do all this and also provide a means of motivation to get well. One way I did that was to gently explain that I too have needs that have to be met. Surprisingly, she responded well to that and began making huge improvements. I still found that I needed to deemphasize my excitement at that progress as any excitement seems to rekindle thoughts of dealing with an out-of-control partner. I know she wants to improve herself whether by therapy or alone. It's a delicate blend of giving space while at the same time fostering a healthy environment for her to grow and explore her sexuality. It's a slow and gradual process and patience is paramount. Now I am just looking for more of the physical things I can start introducing into the bedroom such as ways of satisfying - ie, finding the g-spot, how to treat the clitoris in a more sensual way that introduces her to pleasure he had been denied for so long. I hope I can get better and take things more gradually as opposed to the younger days when I couldn't barely control myself amid the excitement of getting laid. Truthfully, sex is much more exciting now that I have more stamina and patience - hopefully I can get a few tips on how to beat pleasure a woman as your physiology is so complicated and fascinating. One day i make her scream with pleasure !!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm also a csa survivor and I've found, as I've said in other threads, that it affects my ability to deeply trust people. Csa's require a special level of trust to be able to let themselves go in bed, so I'm going to ask how close you are emotionally outside of the bedroom? This is critical. If you're really close emotionally, the best advice I can offer is to start slow and provide three times as long as you think you need to introduce new things. And always introduce a little at a time. One more thing: if you're getting ideas from porn you'd better reel that in right now, because a lot of that stuff isn't realistic anyway let alone with an uncomfortable csa survivor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> 2. Try new things. Some CSAs need to feel in control all the time, others (like me) only sometimes. I have yet to hear from any woman who doesn't viscerally respond to slight erotic domination. Whether you rag doll her, hold her hand above her head during missionary, smack her butt gently during doggy style, I don't know any women who don't love it! Even CSA s.


Everything else Anon Pink said was spot on, but I would exercise caution with this one. Dominant behaviour can be a painful trigger that might result in a setback. Beware especially of anything like hitting or restricting movement. If this was part of her earlier experience, it could send her into full blown panic mode.

ETA: For me, what would work much better is lingering foreplay. Gentle teasing that arouses, so that I can't help but want more. If only I could get my SO to go along with this..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

KendalMintcake said:


> Thanks for being so candid about your past. I realize that for a victim much, or most of the progress had to be made by you yourself when you are ready. I have discovered through trial and error that when the partner gets involved in recovery, it's more likely that the partner will only exacerbate things and only after really understanding the situation can he / she (the partner) help. The best way to help is to first emphasize that there is no judgement or pressure coming from my end. Second, it seems best to bring predictability so as to avoid recreating situations that are reminiscent of abuse where the victim is rendered powerless and at the mercy of someone else's uncontrollable urges. So I need to exercise and demonstrate control of myself as well as extend a helping hand when needed. The trick seems to be to do all this and also provide a means of motivation to get well. One way I did that was to gently explain that I too have needs that have to be met. Surprisingly, she responded well to that and began making huge improvements. I still found that I needed to deemphasize my excitement at that progress as any excitement seems to rekindle thoughts of dealing with an out-of-control partner. I know she wants to improve herself whether by therapy or alone. It's a delicate blend of giving space while at the same time fostering a healthy environment for her to grow and explore her sexuality. It's a slow and gradual process and patience is paramount. Now I am just looking for more of the physical things I can start introducing into the bedroom such as ways of satisfying - ie, finding the g-spot, how to treat the clitoris in a more sensual way that introduces her to pleasure he had been denied for so long. I hope I can get better and take things more gradually as opposed to the younger days when I couldn't barely control myself amid the excitement of getting laid. Truthfully, sex is much more exciting now that I have more stamina and patience - hopefully I can get a few tips on how to beat pleasure a woman as your physiology is so complicated and fascinating. One day i make her scream with pleasure !!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I absolutely LOVE this! Your wife is a lucky woman!


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> And always introduce a little at a time. One more thing: if you're getting ideas from porn you'd better reel that in right now, because a lot of that stuff isn't realistic anyway let alone with an uncomfortable csa survivor.


I'll second this, as one who deeply resents the expectations of women and treatment of them that come from porn.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Always Alone, good point. Depends on the abuse and her triggers though. For me, it works well because I am not being forced to do something. For someone who was forced to participate, having that participation taken away by someone we love and trust is wonderfully freeing!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

always_alone said:


> I'll second this, as one who deeply resents the expectations of women and treatment of them that come from porn.



Yeah, and what makes it extra laughable is that we're constantly being told that porn has nothing to do with us 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I absolutely LOVE this! Your wife is a lucky woman!


I like to think so, but at the same, time, I'm lucky to have her open as much as she has to me. Once she mentioned that if she hadn't have met me, she'd be single for her whole life an so, I take that as a compliment and with gratitude that she's able to be with me, let alone anyone.

As for your advice, thanks so much, I infact do practice the points you made and think also that she has some fantasies that she has trouble even admitting to herself. It's weird since she is so incredibly assertive and opinionated with everything else but sex it just screams something is repressed. One time before, during sex, I just let my inhibitions go and said with passion 'I love f'ing you'. It was the first time I ever said anything of the sort and boy was I surprised. I was afraid she'd get upset at that type of speech, but instead, she just grabbed me ultra tight and really let go. It's finding these little things and that seem to help immensely and the basics seem to be to not worry too much about what I'm thinking could happen. Instead, if I trust my instincts and let go of the fear, she responds well. When I'm hesitant, it seems the underlying message that it being conveyed is that I'm trying to control the uncontrollable and that scares her.

At any rate, going back to your point about the fact that I should have spoken last time when I discovered the (call it pushing method) new technique, she once told me, 'we don't have to talk everytime afterwards. For that reason, I just let it go and figured maybe at another time, I can ask her if she'd like me to do it that way again.

I think talking everytime makes it too scholastic and takes away from just learning as we go. What I eventually want is for her to feel comfortable enough and interested enough to take the lead. It seems that requires a. Getting her intrigued enough to explore more and b. Buiding enough trust that I'm going to respond favorably to anything she leads with.

We'll see. At this point, I think a key element it really finding a way to arouse her more and more each time until we reach the point of near orgasm and, near total trust.

Let's see how it goes. Currrently we are at about 1 time per month, however, with a vacay coming up shortly, I may just have to break the monthly routine and throw down


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

kitty2013 said:


> I said it to my husband but he said it was not really attractive for a woman to say it . I called my husband while he was in the living room and said "please come to bedroom now and bang the h*ll out of me" or "Let's me give you head please". His reaction was like "Gosh, are you sure you are a woman?".


Well it is interesting to hear what some guys think is 'attractive' for a woman. Many of the stereotypical attractive images, in my opinion, are not that attractive. Most of them in fact are attractive from a male-point-of-view and we all know that males generally speaking are not style connoisseurs and what we end up with is more hideous images. For example, the stereotypical woman dressed up in bunny-esque outfits is laughable and hardly attractive. In my opionion, a woman in a pair of fishnets and army boots is a million times more attractive, especially because it shows of figure and power. Women look more ridiculous in dainty demeaning outfits than they do in assertive outfits.

So, going back to your husband's point of view about speaking with powerfully with candor and rawness, that's a shame in my opinion. Without trying to be too mean, I think it shows a sort of weakness actually - it's similar to when you hear about men who hate the idea of their wives using vibrators who state that they feel inadequate if the woman wants to get off on a plastic d*ck. I mean, you got to be seriously self-conscious to be afraid of that. Personally, I love the idea of my wife using a vibrator when I'm not there. I'd hope she'd be thinking about me while using it just as I think about her when I'm by myself an enjoying some 'manual time'.

To each his / her own I guess!


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm also a csa survivor and I've found, as I've said in other threads, that it affects my ability to deeply trust people. Csa's require a special level of trust to be able to let themselves go in bed, so I'm going to ask how close you are emotionally outside of the bedroom? This is critical. If you're really close emotionally, the best advice I can offer is to start slow and provide three times as long as you think you need to introduce new things. And always introduce a little at a time. One more thing: if you're getting ideas from porn you'd better reel that in right now, because a lot of that stuff isn't realistic anyway let alone with an uncomfortable csa survivor.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let's just say we are best friends and acknowledge that to each other regularly. So, yes, emotionally we are close and have been through many ups and downs. We've both expressed without solicitation how we don't ever think about other people or have any regrets so things are excellent in that area. Both of us are very particular people and cherish quality over quantity. As for porn, don't worry, I personally find it cheesy and she does too. We'd both be more prone to get ideas from more artistic sources than cheaply produced porn. For example, Andrew Blake produced material which you'll find is more geared toward artistic expression than raw pornography.

Thanks for the advice on timing - It seems that from your perspective saying as little as you did that you are inferring that you yourself need some assistance in getting where you envision. It's very difficult for the partner to know these things, but if one thinks hard enough and really separates from their own perspective, it is possible to understand at least to a degree the challenges a CSA survivor has. Like I said, it took a very long time for me to realize that space and control are things that have profound effects on the victim. At the same time, too much space can convey a false message that I don't care, and so, finding that very fine line of space and concern is a finely honed skill. I feel I'm getting there and ready to take on the next level - that being, discovering how to physically perform in order to spawn some additional interest in her own pleasure seeking efforts...


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

always_alone said:


> I'll second this, as one who deeply resents the expectations of women and treatment of them that come from porn.


Sometimes porn is ok, but generally speaking it is ridiculous the way women are portrayed - the guys are usually nasty ape-like goons and for the most-part just a turn off !


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

KendalMintcake said:


> Let's just say we are best friends and acknowledge that to each other regularly. So, yes, emotionally we are close and have been through many ups and downs. We've both expressed without solicitation how we don't ever think about other people or have any regrets so things are excellent in that area. Both of us are very particular people and cherish quality over quantity. As for porn, don't worry, I personally find it cheesy and she does too. We'd both be more prone to get ideas from more artistic sources than cheaply produced porn. For example, Andrew Blake produced material which you'll find is more geared toward artistic expression than raw pornography.
> 
> Thanks for the advice on timing - It seems that from your perspective saying as little as you did that you are inferring that you yourself need some assistance in getting where you envision. It's very difficult for the partner to know these things, but if one thinks hard enough and really separates from their own perspective, it is possible to understand at least to a degree the challenges a CSA survivor has. Like I said, it took a very long time for me to realize that space and control are things that have profound effects on the victim. At the same time, too much space can convey a false message that I don't care, and so, finding that very fine line of space and concern is a finely honed skill. I feel I'm getting there and ready to take on the next level - that being, discovering how to physically perform in order to spawn some additional interest in her own pleasure seeking efforts...


Actually I've made great strides in the last 8 or 9 years since I've known my hb because I have a level of intimacy with him I've never had before.
It's in the last year or so that I've really come to understand my issues though, so I guess you could say I've had the proverbial breakthrough. I never thought my csa really affected me, but I was wrong. I suppose my hb showed up at the point in my life where I was ready to move past it.
Lots of luck to you and your wife, and remember patience. And porn is pretty cheesy...sometimes we flip through the porn channels and make fun of the titles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Actually I've made great strides in the last 8 or 9 years since I've known my hb because I have a level of intimacy with him I've never had before.
> It's in the last year or so that I've really come to understand my issues though, so I guess you could say I've had the proverbial breakthrough. I never thought my csa really affected me, but I was wrong. I suppose my hb showed up at the point in my life where I was ready to move past it.
> Lots of luck to you and your wife, and remember patience. And porn is pretty cheesy...sometimes we flip through the porn channels and make fun of the titles.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's great to hear and good for you in making that breakthrough. I am sure that you were in denial previously thinking you were not affected - that's not a criticism just saying that since denial is a defense mechanism to allow one to cope and it's hard to get past no matter what the reason. So let me ask you this - seeing that you have done a great deal of work in breaking through I wonder what you would like from your husband to help the process. I am sure 'patience' is one thing but beyond that I believe that he should provide at least little nudges here and there. Let's say for sake of argument that coming out of your shell, you are now able to admit to yourself that you are turned on by something - say for example dressing up and role playing (as a tame example of some kind of 'fantasy'). I imagine that you would not likely, as a previously and still somewhat shy due to your past, unlikely to just fess up and suggest to your husband that you want to 'role play' with him. Let's assume however that you are now ready to do something like this - what would e have to do on order to make it easier for you to actually engage in role playing?

This is where I am at right now. I believe my wife has some hidden desires that she now more ready than ever to express but I don't think it'll just happen on her own volition. I do however want to create the atmosphere where she is more likely to express those things. I have been quite successful in organizing romantic engagements which as already mentioned are done by planning in advance, lowering expectations and introducing predictability into our time together. It had been amazing and very rewarding both for me and for her. The question becomes how do I coax her to contribute to the agenda each time we get together. What do I have to do in order to get her to take a bit of the lead? What would you like your husband to do in order to allow you to say 'I want x'. Clearly I can't simply say to my wife 'your turn to plan'. Somehow I think I just need to keep doing what I am doing - that is, planning romantic nights / get-always and simply continue to build trust. The last thing I want to do is push things too hard and go back to square one but at the same time, don't want to stall and become complacent just because I am now getting 'laid' more often.

Just trying to understand a little more how to be a better partner and also want to express how thankful I am to all who have commented so far especially in light of the unfortunate circumstances of your past that have prompted you to participate on this thread. Thanks very much ladies - I really do admire you all for your resilience after having experience such awful past. Nobody should have to experience this type of abuse and I wish you all the very best and encourage you to continue to make yourself a better person from the negative things you have experienced. It never ceases to amaze me how people can become so strong from things that would otherwise break a person down. Y'all are awesome women!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

KendalMintcake said:


> Well it is interesting to hear what some guys think is 'attractive' for a woman. Many of the stereotypical attractive images, in my opinion, are not that attractive. Most of them in fact are attractive from a male-point-of-view and we all know that males generally speaking are not style connoisseurs and what we end up with is more hideous images. For example, the stereotypical woman dressed up in bunny-esque outfits is laughable and hardly attractive. In my opionion, a woman in a pair of fishnets and army boots is a million times more attractive, especially because it shows of figure and power. Women look more ridiculous in dainty demeaning outfits than they do in assertive outfits.
> 
> So, going back to your husband's point of view about speaking with powerfully with candor and rawness, that's a shame in my opinion. Without trying to be too mean, I think it shows a sort of weakness actually - it's similar to when you hear about men who hate the idea of their wives using vibrators who state that they feel inadequate if the woman wants to get off on a plastic d*ck. I mean, you got to be seriously self-conscious to be afraid of that. Personally, I love the idea of my wife using a vibrator when I'm not there. I'd hope she'd be thinking about me while using it just as I think about her when I'm by myself an enjoying some 'manual time'.
> 
> To each his / her own I guess!


My husband is fine with me watching porn and using sex toys. I am openly masturbating with or without his presence. I am very comfortable with him. 
Because of my past, I was having problems with sex at the beginning of our marriage. He was very understanding. He would stop immediately when I said "it's hurt" without questioning or making me feel guilty. He would smile and hug me. He earned my trust. He wanted me to tell him about his performance honestly every time. I would never fake an O., I would rather be honest and finishing up myself by masturbating. I like multiple positions and he is very cooperative. He has great skills in bed. Our sex life was great until the physician put him on medication.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> If anyone has been though 'CSA' and been successful developing a strong sexual relationship with their partner, I would love to hear any advice from both the psychological and physical points of view. Please feel free to divulge. Thanks!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only thing that helped me was getting older and getting a partner I trusted more than I trusted my safety walls.

Once the emotional walls are down the physical ones likely won't exist anymore.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> The only thing that helped me was getting older and getting a partner I trusted more than I trusted my safety walls.
> 
> Once the emotional walls are down the physical ones likely won't exist anymore.


This! Trust is everything. It can move mountains.

I've always known I can rely on myself, but learning to rely on another has been the longest and hardest lesson of my life. I'm still working on it, and still sometimes worrying that it's a mistake to do so.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Exactly.The toughest thing is basically handing your body over to your partner and saying "ok.I'm going to let go and let you make me feel good." It's like looking up to the top of the highest building ever and your partner wants you to trust him to pull you to the top.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Exactly.The toughest thing is basically handing your body over to your partner and saying "ok.I'm going to let go and let you make me feel good." It's like looking up to the top of the highest building ever and your partner wants you to trust him to pull you to the top.


Interesting way to look at it. One thing a therapist told me (yes I have been in therapy for other things) was that she is likely also afraid to let go because experiencing orgasm at the hands of her partner is yet another loss of control. Forget about control issues around initiating and all the logistics prior to sex - it also the loss of control that an orgasm brings. Since CSA leads to control issue with the victim we (the partners) encounter obstacles in first off logistics - ie - even just engaging in sex. And so, the control factor bleeds even deeper and makes it difficult for her to even want to orgasm because the orgasm itself is the ultimate loss of control. So, once you are at the point of encouraging one to 'let go' it seems the last bastion of challenges and seems to be the most difficult to surmount. Well it's good to see an analogy like this - a tall building - as counter intuitive as it seems from my perspective, it makes sense and in the least one heck of a challenge!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSDAngel (Apr 8, 2013)

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