# financial confusion with wife



## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

some thoughts please. Having been with my wife for fifteen years I have gone through multiple experiences of her running up her credit cards, defaulting, going to court for judgement, not paying it. she doesn't work. she has run up my credit cards without my knowledge, authorized user consigner I was on some, others just in my name she used. She has put me on the brink of bankruptcy more than once, foreclosure on the home more than once. Overdrafted checking accounts (even one in just my name). Mostly in bank fees she is irresponsible and just doesn't tell me or seem to care. Money, she really doesn't care. so I have gone through periods of making her bring me every receipt and watching her like a hawk, which is stressful to me obviously. when she wasn't paying the mortgage once she was hiding all the letters from me for example. I worked a lot the hours was mine originally she was supposed to pay the mortgage with the money I was giving her for it and she just wasn't and I was gone a lot.

well, I am not on the verge of bankruptcy now. But she did just recently do it again. About nine k on credit cards, couple grand in overdrafts on my accounts. The credit cards and the accounts are just in my name she took the liberty of using them. I just found out she had put the nine k on the cards. she is saying it was for home use, which a lot of it was. she was supposed to be working part time but apparently wasn't and was using my credit cards instead so I thought she had money when it was really my credit cards she was using.

so I reported them as fraud this time, after many other times I had enough I reported the amounts to the credit card companies as fraud and called the police on her. The police did nothing and said it was a marital dispute, even though I showed them all the forgeries of my name she was doing on the checking account in my name and all the credit cards run up that were just in my name.

kind of at a loss of what to do. police said she just has a "problem" and I shouldn't have any think in her reach cc cards anything but there wasn't anything they could do.
Am I going to continue to be responsible for whatever she does forever or what?
Do I owe this portion of money to the credit card companies and bank even though she was forging my name? im still paying off ten k from when she did this last year. she just cannot live in a budget and goes , and goes, anything in her reach until its all gone and im left with the tab.

she has this attitude that since we are married I am basically responsible for everything her and the kids related and she can do what she wants and I pay for it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I would go to the bank(s) and credit card company(ies) and as them what to do to protect your accounts. Set her up with a debit card for the things she needs. It is no good for the bank or credit card companies either.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would probably have to divorce over this. Financial fidelity is just as important as sexual fidelity. 

If she cannot stop, how else can you really protect yourself?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

First...Subscribe to Lifelock online. Put a clamp down on ALL your credit. She will not be able to open ANY new credit in your name or hers without you being notified.

Second... Divorce her. She is bad news. Deceitful, and has no respect for you as a husband, provider, or wage-earner. And she has NO respect for your financial future.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I confess that I would have a REALLY hard time calling someone like that "partner".


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

I have seriously considered divorce on more than one occasion. just we have a couple children and she seems determined to not give me a divorce she doesn't want one without making the kids pay for it.

she also thinks she will get custody of the kids and my house even though I bought it before marriage.
she is strange. To put this in perspective. I yell at her about putting five more grand forging my name on my credit cards she tells me I cant because that is verbal abuse and she doesn't want to discuss it. seriously. Then she makes dinner like everything is normal, she never says no to sex, makes me coffee, then screws me out of another five grand some how. She has always been this way. it is so strange.

when she almost foreclosed my house before not paying it with the money I was giving her she acted totally normal the entire time and was decorating the house for Christmas, being sickly sweet to me the entire time it was going into foreclosure without even her telling me.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

1. See a lawyer. States are VERY different about custody. Women don't always win in family courts anymore, though it is frightening how many state's family courts have massive bias. You won't know until you know.
2. See your banker.
3. See a family counselor about whether or not it is possible to untangle yourself from her without damaging the kids.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Can you divorce her and still live together? That way your credit isn't attached to hers and vice versa. If your divorced and she uses your name again to get credit, can't she get arrested for fraud?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Can you divorce her and still live together? That way your credit isn't attached to hers and vice versa. If your divorced and she uses your name again to get credit, can't she get arrested for fraud?


AFAIK, she should not be able to use accounts in his name as his wife. Divorcing won't help there. Not meaning to offend, but this does not seem like great advice in the absence of a consultation with a lawyer.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> AFAIK, she should not be able to use accounts in his name as his wife. Divorcing won't help there. Not meaning to offend, but this does not seem like great advice in the absence of a consultation with a lawyer.


well she is. cops say it is civil and a marital problem. I even showed the forged checks. she admitted she was doing it right to them. They did nothing. she also called up one of the credit card companies fraud departments after I reported that card and admitted to them she did it and challenged them to take her to court and told them it would be a waste of their time. Once she gets caught, she gets confrontational about it and really just doesn't seem to care.. 
The bank knows her and is threatening to close my checking accounts. They started tracking her forgeries noticing my account activity keeps going out of whack and I don't know what is going on. They sent me eight forged checks in the mail they questioned the signature on. They are following it now.

Am I responsible for this money every time she does this or not?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> AFAIK, she should not be able to use accounts in his name as his wife. Divorcing won't help there. Not meaning to offend, but this does not seem like great advice in the absence of a consultation with a lawyer.


LOL, well of course he should see lawyer.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

annoyedhubby said:


> well she is. cops say it is civil and a marital problem.


That just means that they are not willing to "go there". Really. See a lawyer. If it can be solved in civil court, then solve it there. A lawyer is going to be way cheaper than her draining you dry for years to come.



> I even showed the forged checks. she admitted she was doing it right to them. They did nothing. she also called up one of the credit card companies fraud departments after I reported that card and admitted to them she did it and challenged them to take her to court and told them it would be a waste of their time. Once she gets caught, she gets confrontational about it and really just doesn't seem to care..
> The bank knows her and is threatening to close my checking accounts. They started tracking her forgeries noticing my account activity keeps going out of whack and I don't know what is going on. They sent me eight forged checks in the mail they questioned the signature on. They are following it now.
> 
> Am I responsible for this money every time she does this or not?


Do we know? No. Does a lawyer know? Damned straight.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Stop playing around.

Get serious.

You need good legal advice on how to keep her mitts off your cash flow.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

if you love her, you love her ....just dont allow her access to your cash. All will be well then.

And stop using checks to pay for things. It leaves you wide open to interception. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Why would you want to stay married to this woman? She has no respect for you. Why isn't she working? 

You need to stop this. It is childish and immature and she apparently doesn't care.

Like the others said, see a lawyer. Of course she doesn't want to divorce. Why would she? You work and pay all her bills. She wouldn't have that without you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

OP I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are enabling your wife to screw you over.

Why is she an authorized user on your credit cards??

Why didn't you divorce her?

I have another acquaintance who did the same thing. Wife would take tons of money and go shopping. Wife ran up tons of debt. I asked my friend why no divorce, at least on paper? They can still live together and have same physical arrangement, but at least protect himself on paper from the debt she is racking up.

Makes no sense to me. You have no one to blame but yourself.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

soulseer said:


> if you love her, you love her ....just dont allow her access to your cash. All will be well then.
> 
> And stop using checks to pay for things. It leaves you wide open to interception.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is wrong.

As a married couple the OP is still liable for debt that the spouse racks up.

He needs to divorce, or accept that he will be forever held liable for the spouse's actions.

Nothing will be well until divorce is final.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

long_done said:


> OP I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are enabling your wife to screw you over.
> 
> Why is she an authorized user on your credit cards??
> 
> ...


she hasn't been authorized user on any of my credit cards or on my bank accounts in years. I learned my lesson with that. Thing is, she is using them anyway and forging my name. which is why this time I decided to report it to the credit card companies as fraud. I had enough after years of paying debts from her.

I haven't divorced her mostly for the kids. she doesn't have any respect for me at all.

I am curious to know if I am liable. I live in maine. Not sure how it works here but it isn't a community property state.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

annoyedhubby said:


> she hasn't been authorized user on any of my credit cards or on my bank accounts in years. I learned my lesson with that. Thing is, she is using them anyway and forging my name. which is why this time I decided to report it to the credit card companies as fraud. I had enough after years of paying debts from her.
> 
> I haven't divorced her mostly for the kids. she doesn't have any respect for me at all.
> 
> I am curious to know if I am liable. I live in maine. Not sure how it works here but it isn't a community property state.


In this case divorce is not for the kids, it's for you.

Even if you changing nothing else, still live together, etc., you at least need a divorce to protect yourself from joint liability.

Seems like you're lucky you live in Maine: http://www.mainelegislature.org/legis/statutes/19-a/title19-Asec804.html

It appears that her debts will be her own... which would be a great relief. Not so in the state I live in... very dangerous to stay married to such a spouse.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

today is fathers day, for example. I got nothing. she just told me I was a horrible father. Even though I've been supporting her and the kids for years. And she doesn't want to discuss the finances and told me to leave her alone. she also said she taped me saying if she kept it up I would let the house go under so she couldn't get it. And that I had to pay the bills or it is child neglect.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

well and I called her a "user" which she said is verbal abuse. I've about had it. something ain't right here.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

told her she can tape me all she wants. I don't care. in my mind I am thinking this is why some guys go to the store to "get milk" and never come back. I really just stick it out for the kids and I think she is vindictive enough who knows what she will do. Really tempted to go to the store to "get milk" and say screw it all.

will the credit card companies do anything to her since I reported them for fraud?


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Dude why wouldn't you divorce?

Do you like drama? Do you like a spouse who commits financial crime where you're the victim?

What is it going to take for you to divorce this horrible person???

At the end of the day, you have no one to blame but yourself, for staying in this horrible mess.

You have my sympathies, but you are the only one who can do something about it. None of us can do anything to help you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> AFAIK, she should not be able to use accounts in his name as his wife. Divorcing won't help there. Not meaning to offend, but this does not seem like great advice in the absence of a consultation with a lawyer.


Of course divorce is a valid answer to his problem in that she will not be able to hurt his credit and put him in debt. If they are married, any debt she makes becomes his debt. If they are not married, she has to deal with her own financial issues. She could be in a lot of legal problems... but only she would be liable.

No one suggested that he just jump to divorce without consulting an attorney. For most people getting a divorce entails consulting an attorney.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

long_done said:


> Dude why wouldn't you divorce?
> 
> Do you like drama? Do you like a spouse who commits financial crime where you're the victim?
> 
> ...


kids. And she is vindictive. I really think she would try to take them and turn them against me. in fact I have no doubt she would she has talked about disappearing with them if I file but also said she would take me to the cleaners if I file so I don't know..


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Of course divorce is a valid answer to his problem in that she will not be able to hurt his credit and put him in debt. If they are married, any debt she makes becomes his debt. If they are not married, she has to deal with her own financial issues. She could be in a lot of legal problems... but only she would be liable.
> 
> No one suggested that he just jump to divorce without consulting an attorney. For most people getting a divorce entails consulting an attorney.


I cant afford a attorney. she has me so upside down right now it will take me months to make sure the electric isn't shut off. I am still trying to put my bank accounts back in a positive balance she drove them all negative forging checks and pulling out money.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

annoyedhubby said:


> today is fathers day, for example. I got nothing. she just told me I was a horrible father. Even though I've been supporting her and the kids for years. And she doesn't want to discuss the finances and told me to leave her alone. she also said she taped me saying if she kept it up I would let the house go under so she couldn't get it. And that I had to pay the bills or it is child neglect.



It sounds like she is scared because you have the forged signatures and have tried to go to the police before, so she is clutching at any straw she can find to balance the scales, and give her ammunition in the event of a divorce. 

I really don't get the concept of reporting your spouse to the police, yet you stay married. Either you are partners in life or you are not. You can't have it both ways. As Jesus said (in Luke 11:17) "a house divided against itself cannot stand". Even if you are not religious, the point is still valid. 

If you stay married, here is one magic bullet that will at least help: *PRE-PAID DEBIT CARD*. That way she can't run you into any debt that you aren't aware of. That won't stop her from forging your signature, however, for that, you need to contact your credit agency and put an alert on your name, or use Lifelock service, as someone else mentioned, I believe both of these will essentially do the same thing. 

Another way to mitigate the damage would be to sell your home, invest the equity, and rent your house from now on. 

Have you considered that she has a compulsion disorder and is mentally ill? Like gambling addicts, some people spend money because it gives them temporary comfort, and so they can't stop themselves from doing it. If you stay married I HIGHLY recommend you go to couple's therapy at a minimum, preferably she should give individual therapy a try.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

Theseus said:


> It sounds like she is scared because you have the forged signatures and have tried to go to the police before, so she is clutching at any straw she can find to balance the scales, and give her ammunition in the event of a divorce.
> 
> I really don't get the concept of reporting your spouse to the police, yet you stay married. Either you are partners in life or you are not. You can't have it both ways. As Jesus said (in Luke 11:17) "a house divided against itself cannot stand". Even if you are not religious, the point is still valid.
> 
> ...


I really had no choice but report this one. she has done this too many times, think it is funny and doesn't listen to me when I tell her to stop forging my name. if I didn't stop it she would soon have me in bankruptcy. im maxed out from years of this. And she just does it over and over again. Yeah, I think she has a problem. serious deceit and lying for starters. she has never supported herself, when encouraged to get a job she never kept one and would somhow end up fired. she has been to court on her own credit cards before and cant even get a job now and keep a lot of her paycheck she has too many court judgements against her for her own credit cards. some I paid off, some I never did as they were in her name. she had a car repoed too years back. The second she stopped paying on I took over payments so she could keep it they were going to take it. she has always been this way she doesn't care about money.

Refuses to live on her own too or pay her own bills. something else too. weird but, she was convicted of theft a few years ago. she took some other womans purse at a store. which is weird because she had money from me at the time she had no reason to steal it. They caught her on store camera but she only ended up with a small fine which of course I ended up paying.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

annoyedhubby said:


> kids. And she is vindictive. I really think she would try to take them and turn them against me. in fact I have no doubt she would she has talked about disappearing with them if I file but also said she would take me to the cleaners if I file so I don't know..


Get a good lawyer now. Start documenting all of this. I'm sure the courts will give you primary custody.

If there's any flight risk you can ask the courts to revoke her passport, etc. She can run but she won't be able to hid with no money.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annoyedhubby said:


> Am I responsible for this money every time she does this or not?


If she drives up debt on our credit cards and via overdrawing on your bank accounts then yes you are legally liable for anything done on credit cards and bank accounts that are in your name.

When it comes to debt that she creates under her own name, in many states a spouse is liable for all debt the other spouse makes. Since we don't know what state you live in we don't know what the laws are where you live. You can do a google search to find out the answer for your state.

She does what she does because you have taught her that it's ok. Sure you make a bit of noise about it, but you fix the problems every time. There comes a point where you are no longer the victim and are now just a willing participant in the drama. That's where you are now. There are things that you could have done a long time ago to protect yourself but you chose not to.

With the history your wife has, why does she have access to anything in your name? 

Here's what you do to start with. Set up a safe place to keep your own financial information. It can be at the house of a friend or family member. If you don't have anyone who can help you out then rend a very small storage space or storage locker. With storing only financial papers a back safe deposit box would work.

Now get a new address. Again it can be the address of a friend/relative. Or get a PO Box. Some people use their work address if their employer is ok with personal mail going there.

Contact every financial institution you deal with and change your address with them. Also tell them that your accounts have been compromised and ask that they change the account numbers.

If you do the above, your wife cannot use any of your account and/or cards.

You have to take over paying all bills, taking the kids out for things like clothing, etc.

Give her only as much $$ a week that you can afford to give her to cover a bit of spending. She needs to get a job to pay for most of what she wants. 

Either give her cash or have her set up a bank account in her name only. Then weekly transfer her $$ to that account. Make sure that your social security number and name are in no way tied to her account.

So that protects your stuff from her.
What it does not do is protect you from her running up bills in her own name. In many states you would still be liable for bills made in her name. But if she has bad credit she probably cannot get credit anywhere any way.

Make sure you keep all the evidence of her running up bills, forging her name etc. That way if she tries to drum up economic abuse accusations at you, you have the proof to show why she forced you to do all of the above.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annoyedhubby said:


> she hasn't been authorized user on any of my credit cards or on my bank accounts in years. I learned my lesson with that. Thing is, she is using them anyway and forging my name. which is why this time I decided to report it to the credit card companies as fraud. I had enough after years of paying debts from her.
> 
> I haven't divorced her mostly for the kids. she doesn't have any respect for me at all.
> 
> I am curious to know if I am liable. I live in maine. Not sure how it works here but it isn't a community property state.


Why does she even know what the account numbers are?


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Why does she even know what the account numbers are?


she physically takes the credit cards from my wallet, searches the house for where hide the checkbooks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annoyedhubby said:


> today is fathers day, for example. I got nothing. she just told me I was a horrible father. Even though I've been supporting her and the kids for years. And she doesn't want to discuss the finances and told me to leave her alone. she also said she taped me saying if she kept it up I would let the house go under so she couldn't get it. And that I had to pay the bills or it is child neglect.


She's full of it. What she has on tape is not abuse. But she apparently thinks that you are easy to scare. Are you?

Please do what I suggested above ASAP.

But...

The anger and antagonism in your household is not good at all. Your children would be better off with the two of you divorced. What they are seeing between the two of you is bad for them. They are learning that this is what marriage is.. that this is all that they can ever expect in life. Do you really want your children to have this dismal a view of life?

So today she did nothing for father's day and even told you that you are a bad father.

Think of this.. if/when you divorce, your children will be with you every father's day. Every year on father's day you can take your children out and celebrate your being a father with them. You can get the tone. Your children will love spending this time with you. 

And their toxic mother will not be around to spoil it and bad mouth you.

My son's father never did anything for mother's day. After we divorced he still did nothing. But that day is about me and my son. So I have always made sure that we did something, just the two of us. Once I remarried and had stop kids I did the same thing. Every mother's day I gave them some $$ and turned them lose in a store to go buy whatever hey wanted to me (their mother). The kids loved it. Then we'd go out and some something fun together.

Today is Father's day. Got get your kids and take them some place fun. Do not depend on a toxic woman to set the mood for today. Go, have fun with your kids.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

I know it seems like I am enabling her. I have gone through many periods of paranoia over accounts, checking receipts from what she buys, monitoring things daily. locking things up. Even the police said she had a problem and told me to lock things away from her. Thing is, I have trouble living that way it is huge stress watching over her every minute. I don't like having to lock all my stuff up like she is a enemy. I have done it more than once, but it is hard to live that way for lengths of time. Course then she runs around telling people I wont give her enough money and tells people I am a deadbeat husband so I look bad to everyone too.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

annoyedhubby said:


> she physically takes the credit cards from my wallet, searches the house for where hide the checkbooks.


Are you really unable to figure out solutions to this kind of problem?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annoyedhubby said:


> she physically takes the credit cards from my wallet, searches the house for where hide the checkbooks.


Then stop keeping credit cards in your wallet.

Either keep them on you at all times to include sleeping with them, having them in the shower with you or...


Have a safe installed in your house that is in concrete. Keep your credit cards and check book there.

Or keep your check books at your office or at a safe place (house of family/friend or in a storage place).

If you don't want a safe in concrete, get one of those big gun safes. They cost about $500. They are too big to move easily and not easy to break into.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

annoyedhubby said:


> I know it seems like I am enabling her. I have gone through many periods of paranoia over accounts, checking receipts from what she buys, monitoring things daily. locking things up. Even the police said she had a problem and told me to lock things away from her. Thing is, I have trouble living that way it is huge stress watching over her every minute. I don't like having to lock all my stuff up like she is a enemy. I have done it more than once, but it is hard to live that way for lengths of time. Course then she runs around telling people I wont give her enough money and tells people I am a deadbeat husband so I look bad to everyone too.


Sounds like you made a choice, and that is to live with the price of a thieving and criminal wife on the chance that your kids will not be taken away.

Best of luck.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Of course divorce is a valid answer to his problem in that she will not be able to hurt his credit and put him in debt. If they are married, any debt she makes becomes his debt. If they are not married, she has to deal with her own financial issues. She could be in a lot of legal problems... but only she would be liable.
> 
> No one suggested that he just jump to divorce without consulting an attorney. For most people getting a divorce entails consulting an attorney.


I was responding to the post regarding getting a divorce and living together. But really, I am suggesting seeing a lawyer to determine the WHETHER and the HOW to divorce. In this day and age, it is still not unheard of men to get completely screwed wrt kids, which is his concern. It is answerable by a lawyer.

OP you say you cannot afford an attorney. You have dug yourself out of this mess enough to achieve thousands of dollars for her to steal. Do it again. And then see a lawyer. Or better yet, see one whose first consultation is free.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

long_done said:


> Sounds like you made a choice, and that is to live with the price of a thieving and criminal wife on the chance that your kids will not be taken away.
> 
> Best of luck.


no. reporting credit card fraud here was a big step for me. Even if the cops didn't do anything at least they were involved and that was a first for me going to that extent.
There must be a way to stop her and teach her a lesson. Clearly I cant even discuss it with her without her claiming some kind of verbal abuse. She don't listen at all. But there has to be some way to teach her a lesson. sometimes I will admit I am tempted to smack her especially when she tells me off over it but of course I know that wouldn't end up well. (even though I seriously wonder sometimes if that is what she needs to smarten up). while I don't of course believe in that sort of thing I sometimes wonder if there is cause to smack your spouse. I haven't but I sure have been tempted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annoyedhubby said:


> I know it seems like I am enabling her. I have gone through many periods of paranoia over accounts, checking receipts from what she buys, monitoring things daily. locking things up. Even the police said she had a problem and told me to lock things away from her. Thing is, I have trouble living that way it is huge stress watching over her every minute. I don't like having to lock all my stuff up like she is a enemy. I have done it more than once, but it is hard to live that way for lengths of time. Course then she runs around telling people I wont give her enough money and tells people I am a deadbeat husband so I look bad to everyone too.


I have given you a lot of ideas of how to secure your financial stuff and protect them from her.

It take no stress at all to get a po box and a large gun safe to store things in. No stress to use a friend or family member's address keep your account numbers safe from her.

If this was my spouse running up bills and then bad mouthing me to others because I'm protecting our family financially.. I would get copies of things that prove that he is irresponsible financially and I would hand them out to people who she bad mouthed me to.

Shoot. Got to Free Website Builder | Create a Free Website | WIX.com and set up a free website. make copies of all the proof you have and upload it as pdf files to the site. Redact things like SSN, account numbers, etc. 

Then write up your side of the story.

Then tell your wife that you have posted it all online. If she dares to bad mouth you and lie about you to others you will put a link to that website on your Facebook and send it out to all her friends on Facebook.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I was responding to the post regarding getting a divorce and living together. But really, I am suggesting seeing a lawyer to determine the WHETHER and the HOW to divorce. In this day and age, it is still not unheard of men to get completely screwed wrt kids, which is his concern. It is answerable by a lawyer.
> 
> OP you say you cannot afford an attorney. You have dug yourself out of this mess enough to achieve thousands of dollars for her to steal. Do it again. And then see a lawyer. Or better yet, see one whose first consultation is free.


true. I get out again I will be in a much better financial situation then.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

annoyedhubby said:


> no. reporting credit card fraud here was a big step for me. Even if the cops didn't do anything at least they were involved and that was a first for me going to that extent.
> There must be a way to stop her and teach her a lesson. Clearly I cant even discuss it with her without her claiming some kind of verbal abuse. She don't listen at all. But there has to be some way to teach her a lesson. sometimes I will admit I am tempted to smack her especially when she tells me off over it but of course I know that wouldn't end up well. (even though I seriously wonder sometimes if that is what she needs to smarten up). while I don't of course believe in that sort of thing I sometimes wonder if there is cause to smack your spouse. I haven't but I sure have been tempted.


How do you stop a criminal?

How are you going to teach her a lesson? Truth is you can't.

Physical violence on your part will be the worst thing you can do. She will file police report on spousal abuse and you will now have a lot more to answer to. And she will use that against you for child custody. Be professional, calm, cool and firm. 

The best situation is to get out, divorce, no matter what. You will not be able to rehabilitate her.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I have given you a lot of ideas of how to secure your financial stuff and protect them from her.
> 
> It take no stress at all to get a po box and a large gun safe to store things in. No stress to use a friend or family member's address keep your account numbers safe from her.
> 
> ...


wow. now that is a thought. Because that is actually exactly what she always does too is run around telling everyone how bad I am trying to gain some kind of support and sympathy like she wants them on her side or something. And I really don't get involved in any of that until someone brings up something she said to me..


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

long_done said:


> How do you stop a criminal?
> 
> How are you going to teach her a lesson? Truth is you can't.
> 
> ...


you know. You calling her a "criminal" is kind of a wake up call for me. I always kind of made excuses for her, but I guess the realization is that she is a criminal in many ways. She just always seems to get away with it. But she really is a criminal. I never actually put that term on it. But it some ways. It is the truth.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

come to think of it. I am kind of surprised the police haven't arrested her at this point. I am wondering what she is telling them for stories and if there is some favoritism because she is female.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

You actually think you are going to change her or teach her a lesson? LOL

You are showing her that you will work, support her and dig her out over and over. Why in the world would you put up with this? I couldn't even stomach having a spouse who spent all my money, ran me into debt and almost bankruptcy and totally disrespected me. And your poor kids...think of the dysfunction they are learning.

I think you are both being bad parents. Their mom is irresponsible. You allow it. How do you stop allowing it? You see a lawyer and you divorce. Stop cowering to her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

annoyedhubby said:


> come to think of it. I am kind of surprised the police haven't arrested her at this point. I am wondering what she is telling them for stories and if there is some favoritism because she is female.


This is not a gender issue. The police are very hesitant to get involved in domestic disputes, including for years, women getting beaten. These cases rarely make it to any kind of court proceeding and often the battling spouses will attempt to attack the police for some perceived wrong doing.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

The police aren't getting involved because this is a domestic dispute. I bet they shook their heads after they left wondering why the OP doesn't divorce his wife. Come on dude, be a man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sir you have received some good counsel here but you need serious legal counsel for several different reasons. You truly need to go on the offensive and do it in a private way. IMO your W is mentally ill.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> This is not a gender issue. The police are very hesitant to get involved in domestic disputes, including for years, women getting beaten. These cases rarely make it to any kind of court proceeding and often the battling spouses will attempt to attack the police for some perceived wrong doing.


guess so. At this point I reported it for fraud. which I think it is. They just seemed surprised that "you want to report your own wife for fraud?"

well, yeah. After this many years. who knows how many thousands and thousands. Forging my name over and over.
yeah!


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

She is being destructive to your family. You have tried to stop her but she shows you no respect and keeps on going. This is really not that difficult:

1. Take her off of all your credit cards ASAP. Get your name off her cards as well.
2. Contact your credit card companies and get them to change the cards and then make sure she has no access to the CC numbers. Contact all of her credit card holders and advise what is happening - they will reduce the credit line to her. Do this prior to filing for divorce.
3. Get a record of all of her debt as of the day you file divorce.
4. File for divorce ASAP
5. Sign up for credit protection at you bank. If she tries to open up any more credit in your name you will be alarmed.
6. You are responsible for all debts you have run up as a family up until the day you file for divorce - make sure to check with a lawyer on this.

Note: If you know her social security number run a credit report on her so you get a complete listing of all her debts. You could sign up for credit protection for her as well at your bank so you can be alerted for all new credit she opens.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annoyedhubby said:


> wow. now that is a thought. Because that is actually exactly what she always does too is run around telling everyone how bad I am trying to gain some kind of support and sympathy like she wants them on her side or something. And I really don't get involved in any of that until someone brings up something she said to me..


She and your children have a house to live in, they have food and clothing. It's obvious that you are not a dead beat.

The situation is what it is. You need to protect yourself even if you find it stressful. What you are dealing with is stressful, a lot more stressful than keeping things locked up and/or in some place where she has no access to them.

Let her open a checking account in her name one, transfer funds to that account for her and that is all she gets. period.

See an attorney to find out your rights. To find out about divorce. Do this even if you have no desire for a divorce.

If she is recording you. You get a VAR and keep it on you at all times when you are around her. Let her know that you too can record everything she says. That you have a right to do it because what she is doing is called "economic abuse" and the way she talks to you is abusive.

Let her know that you have and will continue to post all of her financial shenanigans on the MyWifeIsFinanciallyIrresponsible.com website. (Ok with a free wix website addy will be a bit different but you get the idea)

If you want try to shake her into reality you are going to have to take some very tough stances with her. And you will need to protect yourself in was such as locking things up, changing account numbers, the website. Etc. You have to play hard ball with her.

When she threatens that she can take the house, etc in a divorce remind her that her life style will be 50% or less of what it is right now because you have as much right to maintain your lifestyle as she does. On 50% the house has to go because neither of you can afford it on 50% of your income. She will lose just about everything in divorce as well. IT's not a she wins and you lose.

If I were you, I would find out the actual divorce laws in Maine and not divorce laws according to Mrs. Annoyedhubby. then I would write them up, point by point to show your wife that you know that ACTUAL law and she's full of it.


Here is the law in Maine for the house " Property is separate if a spouse owned it before marriage or acquired it during marriage by gift or inheritance. Separate property also includes items purchased with or exchanged for separate property. "

Maine Divorce: Dividing Property | divorcenet.com

Now keep in mind, if you did not own the house 100% before marriage and made payments on it after marriage, then at least part of it might be community property. But you might be able to claim the down payment is 100% separate property.

If you put her name on the title then you gifted her 50%, but you might still be able to argue 100% separate property on the down payment.

This is why you need to talk to an attorney. You need to have the knowledge that you can use to shut down your wife when she tries to threaten you with she believes she would get in a divorce.

The more you talk here the more I think you need to take a hard stand with her.

After you lock down your finances, have the proof of her financial irresponsibility gathered, and you have educated her on what she really can expect to get in a divorce, then tell her that she has to go to MC with you. And in MC, get the MC to help you confront her on her financial irresponsibility. This will be a lot of hard work.

Or just divorce her.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

annoyedhubby said:


> guess so. At this point I reported it for fraud. which I think it is. They just seemed surprised that "you want to report your own wife for fraud?"
> 
> well, yeah. After this many years. who knows how many thousands and thousands. Forging my name over and over.
> yeah!


Reporting your wife for fraud is not smart! Get her arrested and you will have to bail her out if you want her to be able to watch your kids. While you are married, you will be resposible for her legal bills. Once you divorce her - how will she be able to get a job with this on her record? - you want her to be able to work to help your kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annoyedhubby said:


> you know. You calling her a "criminal" is kind of a wake up call for me. I always kind of made excuses for her, but I guess the realization is that she is a criminal in many ways. She just always seems to get away with it. But she really is a criminal. I never actually put that term on it. But it some ways. It is the truth.


This is something else to discuss with an attorney. See if there is something that you can do. 

I know that in California, if one spouse can prove that the other has squandered the marital assets, then in the divorce the victim spouse can be awarded a larger share of the community assets as compensation and even as punitive damages.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

Aspydad said:


> Reporting your wife for fraud is not smart! Get her arrested and you will have to bail her out if you want her to be able to watch your kids. While you are married, you will be resposible for her legal bills. Once you divorce her - how will she be able to get a job with this on her record? - you want her to be able to work to help your kids.


I have asked her to stop using my accounts and forging my name and doing all this over and over, and over.

At this point I think she deserves to be arrested. I am not even sure I would bail her out I don't have the money too she already spent it all. she also already has that theft on her record from taking that womans purse anyway.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

annoyedhubby said:


> I have asked her to stop using my accounts and forging my name and doing all this over and over, and over.
> 
> At this point I think she deserves to be arrested. I am not even sure I would bail her out I don't have the money too she already spent it all. she also already has that theft on her record from taking that womans purse anyway.


Forget what she "deserves". Solve the problem.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Forget what she "deserves". Solve the problem.


yeah I know. she started off so sweet too. Then the true colors came through. Now everyone and the children pay for it. Just doesn't seem fair.

Everyone thinks she is great but her family kind of knows better she puts on a real sweet act. But her brother told me after I married her to watch my back. Her sister told her right in front of me a couple months ago "some day your husband is going to stop covering for you" which I over heard but I think she wanted me to I was only a few feet away. 

seems people close to her knew she had problems I just didn't know it until I was all wrapped up with her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

For sure, our spouses know us like no one else does. 

Our kids, too.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

hey guys. How would I get her out of the house? The house was mine before we married. I asked her to leave for a separation a couple weeks ago at least temporary and she refused. How do I get her out for a while and still be able to keep the kids? I could use a break from her.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

she actually went as far as to tell me that if I don't like it I need to leave. And it was my house before I even married her.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

See an attorney. The attorney may help you get a restraining order or something, as a victim of fraud.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

annoyedhubby said:


> hey guys. How would I get her out of the house? The house was mine before we married. I asked her to leave for a separation a couple weeks ago at least temporary and she refused. How do I get her out for a while and still be able to keep the kids? I could use a break from her.


You

Go

to

a 

Lawyer.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> You
> 
> Go
> 
> ...


I have no money right now.

What is Financial Abuse? | www.loveisrespect.org

but if this isn't financial abuse I don't know what is.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

You will never have money so long as you stay with her.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

long_done said:


> You will never have money so long as you stay with her.


I know. what is even scarier, is looking at that list above for financial abuse I lock all the cards up from her she will claim I am financial abusing HER. The way things are is just messed up. And in separation or divorce I have no doubt she will play that card as she already says verbal abuse if I yell at her for forging my name.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

she will play the system for sure.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

going to the store to "get milk" and not coming back, I really see why guys do that now.

this is all such b.s. and so wrong...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

annoyedhubby said:


> I have no money right now.


Many, many, many lawyers offer free first consultations.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Many, many, many lawyers offer free first consultations.


thanks. And guess realistically she just probably put me in near ten k in just a couple months. So a lawyer would be a lot cheaper than she is. Just wish she would stop really but I don't see that happening unless she ends up in court on something serious to wake her up..


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

annoyedhubby said:


> thanks. And guess realistically she just probably put me in near ten k in just a couple months. So a lawyer would be a lot cheaper than she is. Just wish she would stop really but I don't see that happening unless she ends up in court on something serious to wake her up..


What are you really trying to do? Is this a marriage to you?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

She isn't going to stop and I think you know that. You need to go see a lawyer before you really get screwed over (again). Your kids will suffer if you have no money to buy food because she is spending thousands of dollars on crap she doesn't need. 

LOCK your cards. See a lawyer...now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annoyedhubby said:


> hey guys. How would I get her out of the house? The house was mine before we married. I asked her to leave for a separation a couple weeks ago at least temporary and she refused. How do I get her out for a while and still be able to keep the kids? I could use a break from her.


Was the house paid off before you married?

If not how long did you own it before you married?

How much did you put down on it vs what the equity is now?

You cannot kick her out of the house. What you do is that you file for divorce. At some point a settlement will be established that includes the house. The person who gets the house stays. The other persons moves out. But not until there is a signed court order.

Can you move to another room in the house?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annoyedhubby said:


> I know. what is even scarier, is looking at that list above for financial abuse I lock all the cards up from her she will claim I am financial abusing HER. The way things are is just messed up. And in separation or divorce I have no doubt she will play that card as she already says verbal abuse if I yell at her for forging my name.


It's almost like you are looking for ways to justify not defending your finances from her. You can protect your finnces in a way that would protect you from being guilty of financial abuse. Here let me show you …….

First off, so as I suggested in gathering your evidence of the fact that she is financially irresponsible and even engaging in illegal activity.


Giving you an allowance and closely watching what you buy.
_Since you can prove that she has been grossly financially irresponsible and even engaged in illegal activity, it is reasonable for you to give her your wife a set amount of spending money a month. If you give yourself the same amount it is even better. Just always have financial records to prove it. Plus, there is no reason why your wife cannot get a job. You see part of this item is that if a person gives their spouse a limited allowance AND refuses to let them work to earn money for themselves then that’s abuse. But both have to occur. _


Placing your paycheck in their account and denying you access to it.
_Again, since you can prove that she has withdrawn money from accounts causing overdrafts and huge debt.. you have the proof that your actions of having a separate account is prudent and not withholding income from her. After all you pay the bills and give her spending money. _


Keeping you from seeing shared bank accounts or records.
_There is no reason for you to withhold shared bank accounts and records from her. You can show her copies of all bank records. Just black out the account numbers. You should be making all records available for her to look at. Just keep them in a file at home w/o account numbers. She can look any time she wants. _


Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours you do.
_Do you forbid her to work or limit the hours she can work? From what you said, you do not. _


Preventing you from going to work by taking your car or keys.
_Do you prevent her from going to work by taking the keys to the car she will use? Does she have a car that she can use? _


Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer or coworkers on the job.
_Have you gotten her fired from her job? Do you harass her at work? If not (I doubt you do.) then this is not an issue. _


Hiding or stealing your student financial aid check or outside financial support.
_Do you hide or steal her student finical aid? Does she even go to school? _


Using your social security number to obtain credit without your permission.
_Your wife has used your social security number without your permission. She the one abusing you here. (I assume you are not doing this.) _


Using your child’s social security number to claim an income tax refund without your permission.
_Has she used your children’s SSN to get credit and/or for tax refund fraud. If I were you I’d be running credit checks on your kid’s numbers just to be sure she is not doing things that that are harmful to the children. (I assume you are not doing this.) _



Maxing out your credit cards without your permission.
_Your wife has done this. She is financially abusive. (I assume you are not doing this.) _


Refusing to give you money, food, rent, medicine or clothing.
_Do you refuse to buy food, pay rent, and provide medical care and clothing? If you not you are not abusing her. _


Using funds from your children’s tuition or a joint savings account without your knowledge.
_ (I assume you are not doing this.) Is she doing this? _


Spending money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same.
_Do you spend money on yourself and not allow her to spend money on herself? If you don’t do this then you are not abusing her. _


Giving you presents and/or paying for things like dinner and expecting you to somehow return the favor.
_Do you do this? If you don’t do this then you are not abusing her. _


Using their money to overpower you because they know you are not in the same financial situation as they are. 
_If you don’t do this then you are not abusing her. _


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Ele, you ought to be paid for the work you do here. Just outstanding.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It's almost like you are looking for ways to justify not defending your finances from her. You can protect your finnces in a way that would protect you from being guilty of financial abuse. Here let me show you …….
> 
> First off, so as I suggested in gathering your evidence of the fact that she is financially irresponsible and even engaging in illegal activity.
> 
> ...


At this point I am in a worse financial situation than she is since most of the debt is in my name. kind of out of topic, but since I trust her virtually zero with good cause I often wondered if she had cheated on me. I really have no way of knowing. I have never kept tabs on her. I have kind of wondered more than once. she says she never has and never would cheated. In her mind I guess cheating is worse than lying and taking financially. you guys believe this? Are financial infidelity and physical infidelity really two totally different things? she did have a emotional affair (not physical far as I know I talked to the guy) years and years ago. which I actually got over pretty quick it didn't phase me we weren't married yet. Nothing I know of since then. she never says no to sex, treats it like a job most times though. Any thoughts on that? she also has said she never believed I ever loved her. which quite honestly I don't know if I did. For the last few years I basically cant stand her because she keeps doing the financial things. so I am not loving much at all. 

sometimes I barely even talk to her. REally just going through the motions for the kids I don't even think I would be her friend otherwise never mind her spouse. years of dealing with it, doesn't matter if she cooks me a nice dinner or not, I really just don't like her. tonight I didn't sit down for dinner as a family. usually I do. But I feel like I am keeping up appearances. I really don't even want to sit next to her and pretend everything is alright. in her mind it is, in mine it never is..


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

in case anyone is about to ask. no. I haven't cheated on her. I have told her it crossed my mind before though. Because it has. just really never been "into" her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annoyedhubby said:


> At this point I am in a worse financial situation than she is since most of the debt is in my name. kind of out of topic, but since I trust her virtually zero with good cause I often wondered if she had cheated on me. I really have no way of knowing. I have never kept tabs on her. I have kind of wondered more than once. she says she never has and never would cheated. In her mind I guess cheating is worse than lying and taking financially. you guys believe this? Are financial infidelity and physical infidelity really two totally different things?


Uh yes. One has to do with sex. The other has to do with money.


annoyedhubby said:


> she did have a emotional affair (not physical far as I know I talked to the guy) years and years ago. which I actually got over pretty quick it didn't phase me we weren't married yet. Nothing I know of since then. she never says no to sex, treats it like a job most times though. Any thoughts on that? she also has said she never believed I ever loved her. which quite honestly I don't know if I did. For the last few years I basically cant stand her because she keeps doing the financial things. so I am not loving much at all.
> 
> sometimes I barely even talk to her. REally just going through the motions for the kids I don't even think I would be her friend otherwise never mind her spouse. years of dealing with it, doesn't matter if she cooks me a nice dinner or not, I really just don't like her. tonight I didn't sit down for dinner as a family. usually I do. But I feel like I am keeping up appearances. I really don't even want to sit next to her and pretend everything is alright. in her mind it is, in mine it never is..


Since you suspect her of infidelity, have you ever put a VAR in her car to see if she’s talking to some guy?

Ok I read your responses to the economic abuse list... I hope you see that from what you have said, you are not guilty of economic abuse. You have enough information to prove this. I assume that you have the proof of all that she has done.

It would be better for her to work full time, even if that meant that a lot of her income goes to child care. The reason I say this is that while she's at work she will have less opportunity to spend money. She will also be building work experience so that over time her income will go up.

Cut her off from access to all accounts with your name on them. Tell her to get a job, period. There are workforce training centers, etc. Pay for the essentials like the mortgage, food, etc. Tell her that she has to earn her own spending money.


If she starts on the rant that she can just divorce you and get your $$, point out to her that she cannot get more then about 30%-40%. So she will have to go to work if she decides to file for divorce. Don't let her intimidate you on this.

You mention that you are in bad shape financially. You have an option to file for bankruptcy. This might be your best bet. Do it as part of the divorce or right after.


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## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Since you suspect her of infidelity, have you ever put a VAR in her car to see if she’s talking to some guy?
> 
> .


no. I have actually become so annoyed with the situation I have asked her to go find another guy. More than once. Anyone but me. Maybe he will pay for her instead !! 

Thank you for the advice.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

annoyedhubby said:


> no. I have actually become so annoyed with the situation I have asked her to go find another guy. More than once. Anyone but me. Maybe he will pay for her instead !!
> 
> Thank you for the advice.


MAYBE he will pay for her? You really are devoid of all problem solving skill or self esteem. Go find another man while you are still doling out the money? And MAYBE he will pay for her? OR she can keep taking you to the cleaner and mop up otherwise besides. Not a smart plan.


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