# I'm pregnant with a guy who is not my husband. I'm desperate.



## Burning

I've been with my husband for almost 10 years. We have twin girls, 1 year old. We had fertility treatment because he could not get me pregnant. He is a very good father to the girls. He is 55, I'm 32. We know each other in and out but I just feel we lost the passionate for each other. Our romance is almost none. 

I'm working mom, he stays home with the girls. For the past year, I met my ex, he is 37. (We broke up 8 years ago becuase he had to be oversea for the past 8 years, we were so close to get married but it did not happen), he moved back to the town 1 hour from my house. He is married and has 1 boy. He loves his son but not his wife. He doesn't want to divorce becuase he does not want to hurt his son's feeling.

We both started with e-mails and it turned to be a meeting and we felt the chemistry and reconnected right away. We tried to avoid being alone together but we slipped. After 8 years, our feelings are still so strong. He told me he does not want to lose me again. We tried to sneak from our family to see each other once a week. We talked on the phone everyday. I know it's very wrong but I just can't help myself. I felt like I'm not in love with my husband anymore. 

Last week I found out I got prenant with my ex. I was in shock. I always want to have more babies but I knew without fertility treatment, I will not be able to have babies. I did not tell my husband. I told my ex, he asked me to end this pregnancy becuase he thought it will affect too many people especially our families who we want to keep. I felt heart broken becuase I want the baby. If I told my husband, I could ruin my family life. 

I'm only 4 wks pregnant now. I really don't know what I should do. I plan not to tell my husband and end my pregnancy ASAP. But after that I don't know how I live with the life like this. How will I forgive myself for what is going to happen?
or I should keep the baby, let things happen and cope with it?


Sorry for a long story. I'm feeling so sad and heart broken.


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## marina72

this is so hard. I personally would keep the baby... I'd face the music of what I'd done wrong...

Very easy for this boyfriend of yours to tell you to abort your child, when it's not he that will have to live with that for the rest of his life. I wouldn't let him tell you to "clean" up the mess you both have gotten yourself into.

Dont' do it, unless it is Totally what you want to do. You can't undue it, once the child is gone,,, he/she is gone. Make certain. 

Maybe you could face the music? Come clean about everything. And I would even wager that your husband might love this child with all his heart. 

It all depends on what you want to do. This is something that no one can really tell you, yes or no answers for.


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## Earthmother1970

I agree that this is a tough one...personally, I could never abort a healthy baby, yet support the right of woman to have free choice.

You are ultimately the one who has to decide what you want to do about your pregnancy - not you husband and not the father of your baby - your body, your choice.


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## martino

Her body, her choice and a forming person inside her. I say tell your hubby, beg to work it out, end all communication with ex and allow that person inside you the opportunity to live life. You'll be glad you did.


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## Burning

What I worried is if my husband will turn his back on me, take our daughters and then I will lose everything. I love my daughters so much and want both of them to grow up with mom and dad. 
The other side, I don't know if I would forget this baby if I chose to have abortion. Some people said 6 wks, it does not count as "life" yet and told me to do it before it is too late.


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## reidqa

I say leave now and take the pain, this is the most PAINFUL OF BETRAYAL ISSUES.

How could/would think of asking your husband to throw 18 yrs of his life into a child now you became a semen depository.

I do not mean to be so harsh, but this is one of the most greed filled feely good things about today soceity.

Do you realize in NYC I can spend less time in prison for cold blooded murder than raising a child.

I expect to see "told my husband post next or took care of the issue".

I belong to many a paternity fraud org to protect men from this.

Move on, but do not destroy others lives.


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## reidqa

I'm only 4 wks pregnant now.

**Good time now to decide very fast.

I really don't know what I should do. I plan not to tell my husband and end my pregnancy ASAP.

**This would be the human thing to do.

But after that I don't know how I live with the life like this. How will I forgive myself for what is going to happen?
or I should keep the baby, let things happen and cope with it?

**Cope with what being truthful telling hubby packing the bags and leaving or living a lie each time you look at kid. I hope the ex looks like you H, otherwise you from the getgo in trouble.

Sorry for a long story. I'm feeling so sad and heart broken.

**Sand and broken what to throw your H life down the drain, or to life a deception.

Oh and the ex family, plan to decieve them also.


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## Sensitive

I am very well aware that abortion is a super-sensitive issue, but I feel it is unnecessary to be rude and unkind when you post to this forum. This woman is struggling with a huge decision. She does not need comments that are hurtful in any way.


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## reidqa

Sensitive,

Not rude, but very blunt.

This is the absolute of infidelites, to conceive anothers child.

Then to think of even conceiving H to raise.

Now go on the internet, go past the feely good posts and read the long range outcomes of such for husband and wife with this child.

Imagine looking into the eyes each day of the moment of conceivement. There are horror stories out there with not a pleasant outcome.

Then many do not tell, why do you think there are now men protection orgs, honey little Johnny doesn't look like me. Why my loving husband he is not yours.

Sorry hubby I will screw you and all you own if you want to leave, now men have formed this protection which FYI is winning cases at a 100% rate with many a state and nation turning the laws around.

My posts is no the feely good ones, but the ones that one day will return the matrimonal vows back to history, not feely good political good ones.


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## marina72

yes... Reid, this is a subject where you just can't be that "blunt"...

she clearly didn't do right by having an affair, but I am certain she never intended for this to happen. And you telling her to just get rid of her baby, is a very rash thing to say. It is a life, a human being. It doesn't start off as a fish and "turn" human at 6 weeks..

For anyone who wonders.... a human embryo has a heart, and it beats... at 3 weeks after conception....

by 8 weeks of pregnancy, All the major organs, heart, brain, lungs, digestive, etc.... are in place, and at that point, the growth process begins...

So, whether she does this or not, Reid... shouldn't depend on the fact that she is feeling badly for cheating onher hubby...

I think she feels horrible enough as it is. 

Burning... you will just have to search your heart on this one. Even the post by Reid, albeit harsh, is pointing out things you will have to consider. 

Everyone has given you many different scenarios. I personally would never abort a child... every life is a blessing. But, it's your life, your child.... so, if it is something you do,,, let it be because You decided this, not your boyfriend who is pressuring you. 

He has the easy way out, and it is very easy for him to just drop that bomb, cause he does not have to live with the consequences of doing something that will affect his emotions so profoundly.

Let us know how you are, and what you decide.... good luck to you


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## humpty dumpty

although time is really important here please dont rush or be made to rush into making YOUR desision ! 
take time out to evaluate what you want and need .. Only you can deside which way to turn , 
dont rush and then spend a lifetime of regrets do what is right for you and noone else xx
good luck x thinking of you


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## reidqa

I am sorry,

Major misunderstanding lost via electrons.

I am not advocating abortion, however confession and face life whatever happens. Then the rest is of her choosing.

She is 4 weeks in, so a tell all to hubby now is the best course.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Too many men hae kids born then a couple of years later, wow my kid doesn't veven resemble me in the least bit.

The issue with that approx 63% is correct.

Then the pain begins.


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## makingmymarriagework

I suggest you talk to your husband and take it from take it from there. He has a right to know. If he accepts the situation, then that's great, if not, then you can't blame him.


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## MsLady

First of all, I hope it's become clear to you that your ex-boyfriend/ TOM does not love or care about you in the way it may have seemed before. His line about not wanting to hurt his son is merely his excuse to have you and not have to make the tough choices. He's asking you to abort this baby out of his own self-interest. Please cut off all contact with him ASAP.

As for your current dilemna, it's clear that you want to have this child. What you don't want is to get in trouble. Well, you are not a teenager - you are an adult and have to pull yourself back and think like one. Yes, it would be absolutely difficult and potentially disastrous to talk to your husband about what has been done. However, you owe it to the new life that you have created to behave responsibily and maturely and you owe it to your husband to come clean about the affair and the pregnancy (regardless of abortion or not). So, you're going to have to deal with the disclosure either way.

If your fear is that your husband will take away your children, well he doesn't have that right. You are their mother and an act of indiscretion doesn't negate that. Go speak with a lawyer and learn what your custory rights would be.

You can't escape this. If you tell your husband and give birth to your child, you must face whatever emotional repercussions occur. If you abort this child, you will still face major emotional repercussions. However, since you want this child, it would make sense to me to take the consequences that allow you to have this child in your life.

I believe in your right to choose. But I do not think that a life should be ended based on the fear (and pressure from the ex-boyfriend) that you are under right now.

Best of luck to you making this tough decision. I say talk to your husband and face the music. Plenty of men learn to forgive and even accept another man's child in their lives. So, I wouldn't make assumptions about what he is or is not capable of. Having said that, if he chooses to end the marriage, you should be prepared for that. And, honestly, other than security, it doesn't seem like you value that marriage much anyway.


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## revitalizedhusband

Don't listen to whoever told you the child is not "alive" until 6 weeks, complete horse crap pro-abortion propaganda.

Like marina said, a beating heart at 3 weeks, I could go list many MANY other things that are going on in the babies development before most mothers even know they are pregnant (usually happen when yours did, at 4-6 weeks into the pregnancy).

You need to talk to your husband, and fortunately for you, unfortunately for men, the courts are almost always on the woman's side, so your husband would never be able to "take" your twins away from you even if he decided to leave.


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## reidqa

Don't listen to whoever told you the child is not "alive" until 6 weeks, complete horse crap pro-abortion propaganda.

**That is correct.

Like marina said, a beating heart at 3 weeks, I could go list many MANY other things that are going on in the babies development before most mothers even know they are pregnant (usually happen when yours did, at 4-6 weeks into the pregnancy).

**That is correct.

You need to talk to your husband, and fortunately for you, unfortunately for men, the courts are almost always on the woman's side, so your husband would never be able to "take" your twins away from you even if he decided to leave. 

**That is correct, but more cousrts leaving the wife high and dry in support for illegimate child, a new fighting stance to men wrongfully charged as being dada.


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## Burning

To make it clear: If I have to tell my husband that I'm pregnant, he will know that this IS NOT his baby becuase we both know he has problem with the sperms motility. Doctor said it is impossible to get me pregnant naturally. Besides that, we did not have sex for the last 6 wks. 

More info:
-I don't plan to tell him that it is his baby. He will know anyway. My husband is Caucasian and my bf is Asian. No way this baby will look like my hubby.
-My income takes care of the whole family. He does not work, he runs the errands and take care of the girls. (he is more like my manager). I don't know if this has to do with our relationship or not. If we seperate, he may want to have me provide the child support and he will live with the girls.



I still don't know what I should do.


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## marina72

do you love your husband? do you want to stay with him, and your girls? 

if the answer is yes to these two questions, then you owe him the truth. Tell him you made a mistake, and that a child is the result. Tell him you want this baby, and that you hope he can forgive you and you can all be a family. And it really doesn't matter if the baby looks like him, if he's willing to love it.

If the answer is no to the two questions. Then, it won't matter if you tell him anyway, since you don't want to be with him. It will hurt him, but will result in the same outcome for you, which is leaving him.

So, either way, whether you want to stay with your husband, and girls, and work out your marriage, or if you want to leave him... you still will end up having to tell him that you're pregnant by another man.

I would keep your precious life , your baby. I would tell your hubby what you did wrong, and accept full responsibility for your actions. And then go from there. If he can't forgive you and doesn't want to remain in the marriage, then , that was the risk you took by cheating on him. If he does want to work it out... then you're very lucky, and you can have a life with him and your girls, and their new sibling...

This is what I would do. I know it's only anothers opinion. Ultimately, you will have to decide this. It's hard to do , I know. But you owe that much to your husband, and to your unborn child, who didn't ask for this, and is the innocent here. 

As for the boyfriend, he's a jerk for trying to pressure you into an abortion. Get rid of him. He's already shown his true colors....


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## martino

I agree.


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## revitalizedhusband

I agree 100% with marina.

If you love your H and want to stay, you owe him the truth.

If you don't love your H and want to leave, you might as well tell him the truth because who cares if he gets mad.


Again, even if you are the bread winner, chances are the court will side with you when it comes to custody of the girls, if he decides to leave. The courts favor mothers, period. I wish it wasn't the case, but it is. I wish the courts would look more on who would be able to be a more stable day to day parent, etc, but they don't.


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## MsLady

> -My income takes care of the whole family. He does not work, he runs the errands and take care of the girls. (he is more like my manager). I don't know if this has to do with our relationship or not. If we seperate, he may want to have me provide the child support and he will live with the girls.


You don't KNOW that. Consult a lawyer to be better informed, especially if the main/only reason you would stay is because of fear of losing custody. Why make such a huge decision based on a guess, rather than a professional consultation?


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## sisters359

I am firmly pro-choice. In your shoes, however, i would continue the pregnancy and tell my husband. I would probably want to end the marriage; it's too much to put back together, in my opinion. You will be able to raise 3 children on your own if you need to--both fathers will need to pay child support, and you can work if you have to. But, tell your husband. It will be horrible and you will be hurting him so much, but better to be honest now and get through the pain than to terminate a pregnancy you wanted to keep. That's what choice means: you can also choose to keep the baby and live with the consequences. If you make up your mind to do this, you will find happiness, trust me. Once you commit yourself to a path, it will lead somewhere good, out of this chaos. It may be painful and it may take time, but it will be o.k. in the long run. Best of luck.


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## revitalizedhusband

Being pro-choice is one thing, you know those "cases" like rape, incest, child/mother health, etc that account for like 1 in 25 abortions.

Its the 24 in 25 abortions that are done as birth control that bother me. This would obviously be one of those cases.


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## reidqa

Guys,

That was some great advice.

You are correct he cannot take the kids, nor will he be responsible for the other child that is on her dime.

Now asian child, hope she confess, don't want to see them on Maury show.


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## Tim

Whatever you do you need to grow up and come clean to everyone. You need to tell your husband you cheated and that you are pregnant. Unless you have some sort of mental disorder, you should do the right thing. If you are messed up in the head then its pointless to even talk to you because you are just out to destroy everyone's lives including yours and that child's.

If you are normal, which I'm praying that you are, then you'll listen to reason and take responsibility for your actions. Don't worry about other people's responsibilities and if they will fulfill them, you need to worry about what YOU are responsible for. 

You are responsible for telling your husband you are having an affair.
You are responsible for the child in your belly and you are obligated to tell your husband it is not his.

Take it from there. Forget about trying to anticipate everything. GROW UP!


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## Tim

i.e. you should not even be thinking about abortion at this point. You need to be thinking about coming clean and stop the lying and denial. Does this make sense? Do it now. Call your husband NOW.

The decision for abortion comes later.


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## reidqa

Tim,

This post is the most ugly part of cheating, its only scond to bringing home an STD.

The forum awaits her decision.


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## marina72

I have always wondered , if people who profess to be "pro choice" would really feel that way, if they saw the pictures, and dead babies, body parts... and saw what abortion truly is... I think as a society, we want to look the other way, and just become cause heads, and profess to be pro choice, when a lot of times, we have no clue what is really involved in the process of killing an unborn child

if anyone wants to know... is brave enough... you can always go to a site run by the Catholic Church... priests4life.com I think is what it is....

pictures you will never forget... but pictures that might just change your mind, about this subject. I have always felt that we don't get to choose whether or not our children live or die... and I don't knwo how we ever got to a point, where we were so "okay" with this... it's sadning.. but that's just me.. I know everyone is different.


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## Tim

I dont hate cheaters. It is possible to love someone and make a mistake, but the lies and double life goes beyond just a mistake...it becomes deliberate and all you are thinking about is yourself at that point. You have no regard for anyone else but yourself, pure selfishness and irresponsibility....its a sign of immaturity.

Where are your boudries? Where does your sense of responsibilities lie? I dont see any of that in this situation.

I realize the other man in the picture is also being irresponsible but guess what? She picked him and if he doesnt take responsibility thats another issue entirely. She needs to concentrate on the cards SHE has been dealt with.


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## Burning

I really appreciate all your opinions, eventhough some are harsh but I deserve them. I could not even breathe after reading some of your opinions.

I only know what I will do in a small pictures not the big picture yet.

-I will end my affair. I mean no contact, nothing, whatsoever becuase this man has proved to me that he loves himself more than anyone else and our baby is just an accident.
-I love my husband, I want to make it work. I want to get marriage counceling and do whatever I can to stay with him and bring back our family life again. 
-I'm so scared that if I told him, he will leave me with or without the girls. I'm so afraid that he will not be the same guy and he may not forgive me forever. We will never be the same again.


..............


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## martino

Burning,

No judgement here, and I mean that. But then get down to the abortion clinic *asap *and follow through with your counseling.


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## raising5boyz

Whoa...whoa....whoa....wait a minute here. Maybe this child is a blessing in disguise. Have you ever thought about the possibility of your husband actually wanting to raise this child??? Of course he is going to be upset and hurt about the affair, but you had so much trouble concieving with him...and obviously you both really wanted children....maybe he will take this innocent little child and love him/her like his own! 

I have been married twice....the first I had an affair while I was pregnant...but my husband still asked if the child was his...I knew 100% it was, but we still went through the "what if" scenario, and he was willing to raise the child as his own. My current husband...while we were seperated (long story and I'm not going into details as this is your post, not mine) I slept with another man and there was a slight chance I could of been pregnant by him, but again....if I would of ended up pregnant by the other man, my husband would of kept the baby as his. Not out of feeling forced or pressured, but he loves kids and loves me enough to do that for me and the child. Sure there are probably many stories of a man trying to raise anothers child and not being able to love the child as his own, but I'm sure there are as many or more stories of heroic men who can be a father to the innocent child. Afterall, the child had no choice or fault in any of this. My main point is....tell your husband ASAP and (if he still chooses to be married to you) decide together what should happen. If you want the baby and he doesn't, then maybe the marriage should end. Yes, I am pro-life....I feel that you already made your choice when you slept with the man that got you pregnant. Best of luck....this is a hard situation to be in.


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## martino

I'm not stating my stance on abortion, just saying it looks like she has made up her mind. Telling her husband now is a great idea.


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## Tim

raising5...I agree. And if Burning follows those 4 steps, it gives room for her husband to react in that way. Who knows...


Burning said:


> I really appreciate all your opinions, eventhough some are harsh but I deserve them. I could not even breathe after reading some of your opinions.
> 
> I only know what I will do in a small pictures not the big picture yet.
> 
> -I will end my affair. I mean no contact, nothing, whatsoever becuase this man has proved to me that he loves himself more than anyone else and our baby is just an accident.
> -I love my husband, I want to make it work. I want to get marriage counceling and do whatever I can to stay with him and bring back our family life again.
> -I'm so scared that if I told him, he will leave me with or without the girls. I'm so afraid that he will not be the same guy and he may not forgive me forever. We will never be the same again.
> 
> 
> ..............


Ok, so you want to make it all work...great! But you cannot control your husband, so you need to do what is responsible on your part and see how your husband reacts, because thats his responsibility.

Now more advice on your responsibility; You need to come clean. No lies either, tell him everything. If you lie about any of it, it'll make it worse down the road. My wife did that to me, and at every step that she lied, I found a place in my heart to forgive...but there is only so much room for that...more and more lies started coming out, and eventually I just ended up spying on her and finding out more....and we are divorcing now...no trust at all no matter how much of the truth she told now...no matter what she does now, its over, all because she put her image above everything else.
Don't do that. 
Come clean, do it all at once. Forget about what he thinks, do the right thing. If he hates you, let him. You also need to let him love you...the key word is _let_...to allow him.


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## Sensitive

Burning said:


> I really appreciate all your opinions, eventhough some are harsh but I deserve them. I could not even breathe after reading some of your opinions.
> 
> I only know what I will do in a small pictures not the big picture yet.
> 
> -I will end my affair. I mean no contact, nothing, whatsoever becuase this man has proved to me that he loves himself more than anyone else and our baby is just an accident.
> -I love my husband, I want to make it work. I want to get marriage counceling and do whatever I can to stay with him and bring back our family life again.
> -I'm so scared that if I told him, he will leave me with or without the girls. I'm so afraid that he will not be the same guy and he may not forgive me forever. We will never be the same again.
> 
> 
> ..............


It pains me to read these replies, because I am a sensitive person and I know first hand how deeply words can hurt you, even those by online strangers. 

Burning, the challenges you face are in your "real life." Please seek a trusted friend, family member, clergy, or medical professional for "real life" advice.

Good luck.


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## humpty dumpty

I think you just nee to be totally honest with your husband ,tell him everything and then let him deside if he wants to be part of your life.
Marriages can come through affairs ( my own has ) and it is possible that your husband can bring the child up has his own, it takes a special man to become a great dad to someone elses child but it really is possible and it happerns every day .

Has i see it you have just one choice to make and thats if you choose to keep your child or not..

no one can make that choice for you ..you alone need to make the right choice for yourself . good luck x


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## KMDillon

Please please please talk to your husband BEFORE making a decision about an abortion. It's ultimately YOUR choice, but it would be devastating to end a life that your husband may be willing to raise with you. I know this is usually for 15 year-old mothers, but if your husband isn't willing to raise this child with you but is willing to work things out, would you consider adoption? There are so many couples out there anxious for a child to raise and love.

I'm so sorry you have to make these difficult decisions. I hope we can refrain from criticizing each other's responses and get back to focusing on this painful situation you're going through.


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## Tim

I agree with KDmillion.

ultimately its about what YOU want. What do you want? 
Realize, you can't always get what you want but you can always compromise and work with what you have. Basically we are all just asking you to not lie, deceive, or manipulate others to get what you want...

Please....do the right thing.

We all have our personal preferences...adoption, abortion, divorce etc..you have a lot of options and you wont fully know what all your options are until you follow those 4 steps I posted, but the path is yours to take and you must first know what you want. Write it down here...be open about it.


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## michzz

No, things will never be the same again. How could they be? However, once you get over that you can find a way to make things be in a good place again.

I respect the need to make a quick decision regarding your pregnancy with courage and sensitivity.

You know you have done a monstrous thing and realize that the word "mistake" does not even describe it.

But you know what? You can make things better than the low point it is in now.

Get moving on it.


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## Amplexor

This thread was temporarily closed. Sorry for any inconveniences.


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## Chris H.

Thanks Amp. Everyone, please see our posting guidelines:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...117-posting-guidelines-please-read-first.html

A good rule of thumb I use is:


Think twice before you post.
If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything.
Don't derail threads with off-topic posts - it's disrespectful to the original poster.


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