# I need Advice on a friendship situation



## worried123 (Mar 7, 2012)

I have a friend, We have been friends for a long time. However over time I have noticed I seem to be the one who picks up the pieces. I have let her stay with me when she needed a place to crash, I'm there to offer advice or support when she needs it. 

But I never get to share in any of the good times. She recently met a man they have been together over 6 months. Everyone has met him her other friends her family. But for what ever reason she avoids Me meeting him.

MY husband and I have invited them over numerous times, Ive even just said any time you want to bring him over Id love to meet him.

When he first asked her out I spent hours on the phone with Her because he is an ex of hers and she didnt know if she should go out with him. I never said anything bad I said its your choice and as long as your happy thats important.

When I met my spouse she was one of the first people to meet him because I thought she was an important part of my life.

Am I being selfish for wanting to meet him, She has called me when her boy friend has upset her. And i say I cant offer advice because I have never met him. 

Im Tired of being the one to dump your problems on, but im not good enough to meet her boyfriend. We talk every night and i dont even ask her about him any more.

She has been an important part of my life for a long time, Im ready to stop talking to her, This situation really hurts me. I have told her how much this has hurt me she doesnt seem to care.

What should I do ???


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh,dear. It's a hard, hard situation, and I do feel badly for you.

so, here's what I'd advise -- back off. I'm guessing you are usually the one who initiates phone calls, sets up lunch, etc -- just don't. Just stop calling. And see what happens.

Either your friend will pick up the slack, or you won't hear from her. That will hurt a lot, but at least you'll know.

I'm sorry -- but do know that it's not just you. It happens. Friendships wax and wane, and not always on the same schedule.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Stop being so available for her. She's needy and dramatic, and she knows she's got a favored audience in you. Let her calls go to voice mail; let her e-mails sit unanswered. She will just move on to the next friend she can use. And you may learn not to let people use you.

Example: I have a co-worker who's constantly complaining about her girlfriend and their terrible relationship. I tried to hook her up with other places to stay, urge them to get counseling, etc. She refused because it was "work." Last week I told her, "I have tried to offer you help and advice. You don't seem to want that. Please don't talk to me anymore about your problems." She got quiet and walked away. Now when she speaks to me, it's purely professional (and the grapevine says she broke up with her girlfriend).


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## worried123 (Mar 7, 2012)

I have become less available, She is the one who calls me everynight. I have started not answering calls or returning texts. If im in the city where she lives i have stopped going there as much.

In the last few years I have let go a few people who were just using me and it felt good. 

But we have been friends so long, I know Im older than her and maybe not as hip and cool. But I figured after ten plus years of friendship when she found a partner. I would get to shar that excitment with her. 

When my husband and I met, I couldnt wait for her to meet him. It hurts my heart big time. But I am almost ready to just say good bye

I just hate to think this many years of friendship were because she was using me.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

oh, friendship problems are hard. 

Recently, my best friend, the only person I can say I was friends with since childhood (which is only kind of, I moved around most of my childhood) the girl who pushed me to leave my husband, I mean, showed up with boxes and a truck and said "you're going," planned and paid for my bridal shower, the friend I consider a sister.. chose to have 3 other people plan her bridal shower, let them plan it for my birthday, and then said "well don't worry, you only have to make an appearance"

ouch.

You can really do one of two things. 

What I think I've decided to do, is let it go. I understand her frustrations with me and my situation somewhat, but she is my friend, she's been there through every thing, and while I might be offended, I'd rather be there for her.

If I were you, I would let your friend know your bothered with it, explain to her why, and if she doesn't get it, I'd get over it and just back off for a while. If this friendship is all take take take from her side, then put an end to that aspect of it.

I can imagine she matters, you said she's been an important part of your life.

(all of that being said, know that I am the person who is always there to receive any crying phone call or emergency "come get me" from anyone, regardless of how our current friendship status might be, so my opinion comes from that stand point)


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, worried, don't frame it that way -- don't dismiss all these years of friendship because it's going badly now. It may be because she's busy. It may be because she is going through a difficult time emotionally. It may be a lot of things, and none of them may have anything to do with the quality of your friendship in the past.

Keep your distance for a while, let her sort things out. But be kind to yourself, because this is a stressful thing.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

I know this situation is painful. It's never easy to deal with a friend like that, or to end a friendship. But as painful as it is, it's necessary for your personal growth and confidence. You need honest, supportive friends - not people who want to use you for free couch and counseling time.

You mentioned ending other user friendships. So there's a pattern here. I suggest exploring why that is. It will help you make more solid (and mutually beneficial) friendships in the future.

P.S. You said that your friend lets you "pick up the pieces," but never lets you "share in any of the good times." That says it all right there.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

worried123 said:


> Im ready to stop talking to her, This situation really hurts me. I have told her how much this has hurt me she doesnt seem to care.
> 
> What should I do ???


Let her go that's what you do. 

I feel your pain. I see this pattern in my friendships as well. I give more than I get and yes it gets old. It's a hard dynamic to break but it can be done. The key is to learn why you attract people like this in your life in the first place. In my case I'm your classic codependent and it's taken therapy to heal.

I'm now reclaiming my life and it's HARD. I'm taking it one baby step at a time.


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## worried123 (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks for the advice everyone, Im going to step back and take a breather from her make my self even more unavailable. And give it a month or so to see what happens. 

And in the mean time i will not be available too hear the bad in her life or pick up any pieces. 

Another friend of mine said I should phone the friend in question and only ***** about my day and whats wrong with my life. Not invite her to any of our get togethers for awhile. 

Treat her the same way she treats me. And if she asks why Just say I thought thats how our friend ship worked


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I vote for stepping back as well. Give it some time and see how things shape up... what her response is to your change of behavior, and you can decide on step#2 at that point of time. As lamaga points out, it could be something as simple as she is busy or emotionally 'not in the right place'. Sometimes it could be weird reasons that might cause rift and misunderstanding in friendship...

For example, and this is absolutely fictitious.. something like, (1) she might feel intimidated by you (maybe you are very beautiful) and she might feel insecure to have her bf meet you (2) maybe her bf is not that great and she might be worried that you would disapprove of him after meeting him ... on similar lines, there could be numerous reasons that can cause a misunderstanding if communication b/t friends is not clear. Not that I am betting on this possibility but this could be true.

In either case, just take a step back and focus on other things. Give your friend some time to react and take it from there.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I think that it is wise to put a stop to the dynamic of the friendship that you find your self in. No more only there for a shoulder to cry on and none of the good times.

Have you really called her out on these issues? I think that it would be the honest, open thing for you to do. I think that is how friends should be with each other. IMO you should call her and tell her how things between you have made you feel and that you would like to know why she has been avoiding your meeting of this man in her life and express that you miss her friendship and have been having a hard time with it.

Yes a confronting her might make her mad but what is going to happen? She ends the friendship? It sounds like it is headed that way anyhow. So what is there to lose that is not being lost already?


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I like Kuriosity's suggestion:

I have around 3-4 very close friends. If one of them were to behave the way your friend is behaving right now, I would distance myself and reduce communication for few days till I cool down. 

Thereafter I would do what Kuriosity suggests. I would call up the friend and have a calm and clear communication. When I call my friend I would put forth my point of view and express my concern and thereafter try to see the reason behind the friend's behavior and get her perspective as to why she behaved the way she did. 

I think one has this authority in close friendships, and it is a good idea to use that authority to clear misunderstandings, if any.


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