# Young in love, but conflicted.



## Homebody75

Hello, I would like to apologize in advance with typos or grammar, typing, proof read, spelling, etc. is not my strong suit. I am a young 30 year old male with a beautiful wife of 6 years with two beautiful daughters. I have bin with my wife a total of 12 years. We are very close in all aspect of life, even to the point of feeling how the other ones mood is with out a word. We are a average couple. We enjoy going out with friends, and going out with just ourselves. 

We always had the same group of friends, even with going to different high school. Some friends are married and some are single, but we are friends with the same crowd. With in the past year my wife befriended another women a couple of years older then us who was previously divorced with no children from a not so great marriage. (Don’t know the details but just not a great marriage) As time went on I grew suspicious of this friend and the affect she had not my wife. After the friend reprimanded my children in my house I have completely cut her out of my life and insisted on my children’s life. 

My wife agreed but still continues to associate with the friend. My wife goes to her house after the children go to bed and won’t come home until midnight or later. Just recently my wife went to a birthday party at a bar with the friend, my wife went back to the friends house well after midnight and stayed there until 2 am. I know my wife was at the friends house earlier then she tells me and lied to me about it. Probably because she knows I don’t like her being with her. So the kicker is, I pretty much do 85% of the finance. Vacations, car loans, nights out, everything comes from me. 

When my Wife gets behind I help her out. And just recently I had to help her with a couple thousand dollars. (My wife is not good with money and we are working on that.) I asked my wife to please come home early that night because I think she lacks on her responsibilities in the house. Ever since this friend has bin coming around my wife has bin staying out late a couple times a month. I don’t like it and she’s never acted like this in the past. 

My wife says I am not her father and have no ground to stand on when it comes to how late she stays out. I some what agree but if I’m financially supporting her (my wife has and good job with ok pay) and help her when she’s behind so I have a say in her curfew? Am I being too overly controlling?


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## Marduk

Wait wait wait...

You have a curfew on your wife and have to “help her out” when she “gets behind?”

Are you her husband or her parent?


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## jlg07

So, tell her flat out -- staying out and acting single -- you are right, I am not your father but I am your husband. If you continue to put her/going out above me and your marriage, then YOU will find out the consequences (and you NEED TO MEAN THAT -- Divorce). have you ever had her followed? You really do NOT know what they are getting up to when they go out, or who ELSE is over this single divorced woman's house, do you?
You may want to get a P.I. To follow her for just a couple of those "girls nights" out. I bet you find a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't pass the spouse test.

YOU can also just decide to STOP supporting her financially. I presume she has a job? Let her pay for herself and her mistakes as well as contribute to the common bills.


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## Tilted 1

It's writing on the wall, no your not her father, but better than her father. She's playing you and getting her needs met outside the marriage. You the ATM daddy. And she because of you has no real boundaries in place. Why is that? What type of wife goes out late at night after the kids go to bed, she's treating you like one as well. Why are you bailing her out of the hard spots, she spending the money at the bar. And laughing at you while she does it.

You need to take a different course of action.


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## Homebody75

To Marduk, it sounds like a parent relationship I know. She has her school loans and ext. and I have my bills like credit cards and ext. but I am able to pay the majority of the bills for the house and have a savings. She has a hard time noticing she’s in a downward spiral with getting behind on her bills and by the time I find out it’s a decent amount of money and this has happen before in the past and we are working on it and getting better. We never had “curfews” before because we never had a problem with late night hang outs before so I’m in uncharted waters. 


Jig07- my wife and I share our locations on our phones, that’s how I found out she was at her friends house sometime before she told she was. I trust my wife, yes that idea runs through my head a lot but it doesn’t really get to me because I don’t know if I could believe it. Ive noticed some fishy things that happens with the friend like turning her location off when she with her.(I very rarely looked at the location before the friend) I keep telling myself the fishy stuff is her trying to keep me from seeing how much time she spends with her. And yes she has a pretty good job and makes ok money. This isn’t the women I’ve bin with for 12 years. One individual has really thrown a wrench in our 12 years together, I know it’s healthy for her to have friends outside of the relationship but is this taking it too far?


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## Homebody75

Titled 1- funny thing is, when she went out for the birthday party recently I gave her money to go out while I stayed home with the kids. I like going out but enjoy staying home more but staying home with my family. She didn’t spend the money so I don’t know if she used her money that she had(so basically I’ll be paying for it in the end) or had a friend pay. I do feel like an atm, on top of helping her with her responsibilities around the house and also taking care of mine.


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## Tilted 1

Homebody75 said:


> Titled 1- funny thing is, when she went out for the birthday party recently I gave her money to go out while I stayed home with the kids. I like going out but enjoy staying home more but staying home with my family. She didn’t spend the money so I don’t know if she used her money that she had(so basically I’ll be paying for it in the end) or had a friend pay. I do feel like an atm, on top of helping her with her responsibilities around the house and also taking care of mine.


No this just makes you a loving and trusting husband. But shutting off the location is a no no! And it's not just her friend you just see it this way. I on the outside see it completely differently. And no because I don't have the live invested like you allows me a different perspective than you. So set the new rule in place no more shutting off the phone location. And get a :
https://www.landairsea.com/

Tracker ofor her car. So if she leaves phone in car and she's trying to be clever and get one over on you. Cover your bases it's about 30.00 a month and will tell you within 5' of cars location. Then if continue get someone to watch the kids when she goes out at night, this will allow you to see if the car and phone are together without her. Sorry you'll find this possibly to be the case. And then you'll have info on the one one and only path to go. If you choose reconciliation then everything she does is stopped. The friend banned from your marriage. If she puts her over you then you got your answer.


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## Homebody75

Thank you everyone for your advise, I’m thinking it’s less me being controlling and more of her not putting the right things first. In a previous argument she asked if I wanted her to stop being friends with her, I don’t know if she was trying to call my bluff for was serious. But it would be hard since she also works with this friend, and in the same department. The more I type the more I see I have things stacked against me. I was trying to get her to see what she’s doing is wrong with out giving her a ultimatum. If she doesn’t see it on her own I don’t want her to resent me for making her stop talking to one of her friends. Title 1, the gps is a good idea and I’m thinking about it, but I’m afraid of what I’ll find out, but I need to know.


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## Homebody75

I am new to this the forum world. I have realized I have posted in the wrong forum. I’m going to copy and paste into the the correct forum and delete this one.


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## Tilted 1

No ending the relationship outside of work. Is a must let them talk at work nothing wrong with that. But the after hours is No. And yes we are all in a fear if finding out the truth, but it sets the record straight. And once you here it play you can make the decision you are willing to put up with. Be cautious of rugsweeping it or becoming a cuckold husband.


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## Tilted 1

Homebody75 said:


> I am new to this the forum world. I have realized I have posted in the wrong forum. I’m going to copy and paste into the the correct forum and delete this one.


Can a mod move this to the appropriate place thanks.


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## alte Dame

This sounds like the classic toxic friend.

You have every right to name the problem. Tell your W that the friend is not a friend to the marriage if she is encouraging your W to behave in ways that are not healthy for the marriage. Ask her how she would feel if you had a toxic, divorced male friend that you were lying about and hanging out with until the small hours of the morning. 

Try to stay confident. Don't worry about being 'controlling.' Tell her what YOUR boundaries are, i.e., that a spouse should not be partying like a single person.


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## niceguy47460

Trust us here . All the people on here know what they are talking about . There is alot more going on then you know . I would even sneak her phone one night and look at text between them . I would say her friend is getting your wife to cheat and they are going out and picking up guys to have sex with or she is in a affair with the friend . You need to find out what is going on . You should hire a pi or follow her yourself .


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## Diana7

The way she is acting isn't right for a married women with children. Going to bars with a single friend who is a bad influence is playing with fire. There is no reason for her to switch her phone off or stay so late. I would be concerned in your position.


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## turnera

Look up Boundaries and Consequences. You need to understand what healthy boundaries look like and you need to know how to set consequences for her stepping over your boundaries.


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## EleGirl

Homebody75 said:


> So the kicker is, I pretty much do 85% of the finance. Vacations, car loans, nights out, everything comes from me.





Homebody75 said:


> When my Wife gets behind I help her out. And just recently I had to help her with a couple thousand dollars. (My wife is not good with money and we are working on that.)





Homebody75 said:


> I asked my wife to please come home early that night because I think she lacks on her responsibilities in the house.





Homebody75 said:


> My wife says I am not her father and have no ground to stand on when it comes to how late she stays out. I some what agree but if I’m financially supporting her (my wife has and good job with ok pay) and help her when she’s behind so I have a say in her curfew? Am I being too overly controlling?


You have every right to object to what your wife is doing. Part of the problem is most likely the words you use and what looks like you trying to enforce rules as though you are the father of a defiant teen and then you are whining about it. There is a lot that you need to change. She needs to change if this marriage is going to work, but you do too.

You sound like you are acting like her father and are being punitive. You two are equal partners. You are not the boss. If you are saying these things to your wife, you are helping to create an environment that will get her to become defiant.

It’s not your place to set a curfew for your wife. You are not her father.

She “lacks on her responsibilities in the house”? That sounds like you are the father who is disciplining a teen who is not cleaning her room. 

Why do the two of you have separate finances? Why are there her bills and your bills? In marriage all income belongs to both spouses, all bills are the responsibility of both spouses. That fact that you earn more and pay more on bills does not give you more rights or control over her. That’s just wrong think.

Your stance should be that you have boundaries. Try this:




“I will not be stay married to a woman who goes out partying without me on a regular basis.”


“I will not remain married to a woman who is irresponsible with finances.”


“I will not remain married to a woman who does not take 50% responsibility for all household chores.”

Boundaries are about you. They are not about her. A boundary is what you will and will not live with. They are no an attempt to control her. Instead they state what you will allow in your life and your marriage.

First off, you seem to have no idea what a marriage should look like. You have no idea who a married couple should run their finances. So I’m suggesting some books that will help you learn this. After you read them and learn these things you can ask her to read them and work on these things with you.

Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner

I like everything about this above book except that it leaves one thing out. Basically, it says that a couple needs to have joint finances. That you pay yourself first. That means that you put 10%-20% of every paycheck into savings (401K’s or regular savings), then you pay all the bills, and after that you both can spend anything left over however you like. The thing that I would add is that after you pay all the bills, you split the discretionary income 50/50 so that each of you have the same amount of money to spend. And neither of you need to explain to the other how their share of the discretionary income is split.

My suggestion is that you two read the book and put that in place. And if there are still problems then seeks out a financial advisor to help teach the both of you.

Now for some books about what a good marriage looks like. From what you wrote, it sounds like the two of you spend no time dating. That’s completely unacceptable and leads to the type of problems you are having. To keep a strong, passionate relationship, you two need to spend at a minimum 15 hours a week together in quality time, just the two of you with no one else, not even children.

The books are:

“Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Read “Love Busters” first. You both have to stop love busting. These are things like her going out with that friend and your saying the types of things you said here. Then, after you two stop doing the things that hurt your relationship you can do the things to identify both of your needs and meeting those needs.


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## Girl_power

Does your wife work full time? 

I don’t think her going out to her friends house and staying out late is anything to get upset over. And putting a curfew on your wife is controlling. 
Stop giving her money like a child and stop paying her bills like a child, and stop giving her curfews like a child.


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## Homebody75

I’ve bin told our finances are out of wack but they have always in like that because she spends money and doesn’t budget well and couldn’t be trusted to have access to that kind of money. She asked for it because she was having a hard time. I’ve always. I’m good with money and budgeting for stuff for us to do, vacations, out to eat ext. Besides he school loans she only pays two house bills. As for responsibilities, I take care of outside work, anything with the cars, anything with the house, we share cooking and taking care of the girls. She does a little more because I’m not home when the girls wake up. I have to do a little motivating when the house needs to be cleaned or laundry needs to be done, and I help her with it. I know she can’t help me with what I need to take care of but I don’t expect her too. I hate to use the word curfew and I know it sounds exactly like a curfew but should a married women act like this, can I ask her to take more a lead on making sure the house is cleaned and the laundry is done? Can I tell her I don’t think it’s a good idea to go out when the house is a mess? Should I be able to say it as a husband?


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## phillybeffandswiss

Homebody75 said:


> I’ve bin told our finances are out of wack but they have always in like that because she spends money and doesn’t budget well and couldn’t be trusted to have access to that kind of money. She asked for it because she was having a hard time. I’ve always. I’m good with money and budgeting for stuff for us to do, vacations, out to eat ext. Besides he school loans she only pays two house bills. As for responsibilities, I take care of outside work, anything with the cars, anything with the house, we share cooking and taking care of the girls. She does a little more because I’m not home when the girls wake up. I have to do a little motivating when the house needs to be cleaned or laundry needs to be done, and I help her with it. I know she can’t help me with what I need to take care of but I don’t expect her too. I hate to use the word curfew and I know it sounds exactly like a curfew but should a married women act like this, can I ask her to take more a lead on making sure the house is cleaned and the laundry is done? Can I tell her I don’t think it’s a good idea to go out when the house is a mess? Should I be able to say it as a husband?


Interesting. Why do you have low self esteem and undervalue yourself? Does she have a full time job?

The point being made is not that "curfew" is an insult towards you, it is the fact you are parenting an adult. Yes, it is perfectly fine to be upset at bar hopping, staying out until 2am, not helping around the house, lying about where she is at and having a toxic friend.


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## Homebody75

Yes she has a full time job.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Homebody75 said:


> Yes she has a full time job.


Do you have a full time job?


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## Homebody75

Yes I have a full time job.


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## dadstartingover

Read this: https://dadstartingover.com/how-to-catch-your-wife-cheating/


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## turnera

Get the book No More Mr Nice Guy. She is dissing you because she lost respect for you. She lost respect for you because you have turned yourself into her servant, in action and in status.


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## 3Xnocharm

Girl_power said:


> Does your wife work full time?
> 
> I don’t think her going out to her friends house and staying out late is anything to get upset over. And putting a curfew on your wife is controlling.
> Stop giving her money like a child and stop paying her bills like a child, and stop giving her curfews like a child.


Disagree 100% that he is being controlling. She is completely out of line for a married woman. I dont necessarily think she is out cheating, but her behavior for sure is not appropriate. How would she feel if the tables were turned and it was OP staying out til all hours with a buddy, wasting way too much money and neglecting things at home?? Wifey has a choice to make, she either loses the toxic friend, or her family.


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## Sparta

It just freaks me out on how many there are of these guys are out there. To sit there and watch and let a woman run all over them abuse them financially and of course cheating on them physically and emotionally just amazes me. “I’m afraid of what I’ll find out” wow.! Because without a doubt you do know the truth.! that’s why you’re here right.? Your wife is a no good cheater and a very broken woman. you’re just afraid to face it because you’re afraid of losing her.? And you’re fully aware that that older woman is no good and has had a major negative influence on your cheating wife.! She is a divorce woman. I bet if you looked into it you would probably find out why she is divorced because she cheated on her husband. You know for a fact that woman is not a friend of your marriage and that you need to remove her and her negative influence out of your marriage. Unfortunately It might be too late. 

Look buddy your wife’s going to ruin your whole family if you don’t stand up and do something about it OK forget about losing cheating wife, you don’t know it yet but that’s going to be the biggest gift you ever received by losing her. If you don’t pull your head out of your ass stand up and be a man and take charge of your family and put a stop to this she’s take The whole family down your kids and you.! If you can’t do it for yourself then at least do it for your kids. Good luck we’re here to support you.


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## Robert22205

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to conduct themselves in a way that is not suspicious.

Turning off the location, staying out late, socializing with a single woman at bars late at night, calling you controlling because she's not acting like a married woman is a big fail on the part of your wife. You are 50% responsible for marriage problems - but she is 100% responsible for her decision to act like a single woman.

You asked nicely - and she said NO.
This is a huge red flag.

You need to focus and evaluate her based on her actual behavior (not who you think she is or because she's a great mom).

I can't tell you how many betrayed spouses said: nope a PA is impossible - not my wife (or not my husband). People in affairs typically act very different sexually than with their spouse - and YES it's contrary to their long held beliefs. 

The next step is for you to show zero tolerance for the girlfriend and your wife's behavior.
You must inform your wife that she can not control her and she can continue to live as a single woman - but not as your wife.

Your wife has to believe (really believe) that you will divorce her rather than tolerate her behavior.


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## 3Xnocharm

Robert22205 said:


> Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to conduct themselves in a way that is not suspicious.


I absolutely LOVE this!


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## Girl_power

3Xnocharm said:


> Disagree 100% that he is being controlling. She is completely out of line for a married woman. I dont necessarily think she is out cheating, but her behavior for sure is not appropriate. How would she feel if the tables were turned and it was OP staying out til all hours with a buddy, wasting way too much money and neglecting things at home?? Wifey has a choice to make, she either loses the toxic friend, or her family.




We’re just going to disagree then. Having a girls night a couple times a month is not a crime. I’m pretty sure it’s important to have time with friends. Telling a spouse when they have to come home when they finally have get a couple days off to have fun is controlling. She isn’t doing it weekly. I understand that if she was partying in excess that would be inappropriate. But 2-3x a month is healthy.


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## Girl_power

Turning on and off the location is 100% wrong.


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## 3Xnocharm

Girl_power said:


> We’re just going to disagree then. Having a girls night a couple times a month is not a crime. I’m pretty sure it’s important to have time with friends. Telling a spouse when they have to come home when they finally have get a couple days off to have fun is controlling. She isn’t doing it weekly. I understand that if she was partying in excess that would be inappropriate. But 2-3x a month is healthy.


I agree with being able to have girls' nights, absolutely. And guys' nights, too. I didnt see that he stated how often she goes out, I didnt see only 2-3 nights a month, I get the impression its more often then that. When she DOES go out, her priority should be being a responsible adult for her husband and kids. This means being where she says she will be, when she will be there and being back home when she says she will. If the husband was doing this, people would be all over him about neglecting his wife and kids. 

If someone doesnt want to consider their partner, then they shouldnt have a partner.


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## DudeInProgress

Your current situation is not headed in a good direction and you need to take action and lead. Women respect and respond to strength in men. That means self respect, strong boundaries / expectations and the confidence and courage to enforce them. Women may not “like” it when a man has boundaries and holds them accountable, but they respect it and are attracted to it. Women hate weakness in men. They don’t respect it and will act accordingly when they see it.
As important as marriage/family is, your dignity and integrity as a man is more important than the outcome of your marriage. 
You need to stop being weak, and lay out appropriate boundaries for her. You need to explain that you expect your wife to act like a wife, not a single woman. You need to be specific about your expectations and boundaries. Don’t be a tyrant but insist on respect and full transparency from her. Do not allow behavior or situations that are irresponsible, deceptive or could potentially endanger your marriage. You’re not not trying control her, she can act however she wants. But if she wants to act like a single woman, be irresponsible or deceptive, she doesn’t get to do it while being married to you. Don’t get overly emotional, don’t argue, your boundaries are not up for debate. Don’t be angry, be kind, loving but non-reactive. You have to be strong and consistent.
Hopefully she comes around. This may or may not work out the way you want it to but the current situation won’t improve by itself, it will likely deteriorate if you don’t set clear boundaries now. Take action, nothing will happen that you can’t handle.
Please understand my assessment and advice is genuinely intended to help you, and it’s the truth. Use this resource, the people here want the best for you and want to support you.

Good luck


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## Girl_power

@Homebody75 how often does your wife do these late nights with her friend? 

Also what exactly is bothering you the most? Are you scared she is going to cheat? You don’t want to stay home and watch the kids while your wife is having fun? She is spending her $ in ways you don’t approve? Do you not want your wife to go out and have fun without you? Is it the frequency of it? I don’t really understand what exactly your upset about.


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## Girl_power

The OP just sounds controlling to me and completely disagrees with everything about her life choices. He follows her location, he wants at to give her a curfew, he doesn’t think wives should be “acting like this” and she should be home cleaning instead, he doesn’t approve of how she spends HER money...


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## DudeInProgress

We’re only seen one side of the story, so there may be some controlling aspects that I don’t see. That said: 

It’s not controlling to have an issue with his wife staying out at bars till the wee hours of the morning with a single friend (with location svcs turned off)

It’s not controlling to expect his wife to be responsible in communicating when she will be home and to follow through accordingly. 

It’s not controlling for a husband and wife to have location services enabled so they can know where each other are if they need to/want to.

It’s not controlling for him to expect honesty and transparency from his wife when she’s out about where and who she’s with.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Look H75, I am asking these questions to get a better picture of your life. People tend to carry their own baggage in and will give advice without the entire picture.

Do you have separate bank accounts?


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## Homebody75

Thank you all sooo much for the support and advice. My wife goes to the friends house once a week maybe every other week to watch shows together. She leaves when the kids are in bed and comes home about midnight. The money situation it’s part of me being controlling of it. I felt that if I’m making the extra money for us to do extra stuff with the kids or by ourself then I have an opinion to how it’s spent. So I feel it should spent on both of us. She doesn’t go out to a bar often, but when she does she stays out late. We talked last night that started one sided on my part, partly because she didn’t see anything wrong. It got a little heated then calmed down. She blames herself for the way I feel about her friend. It’s not the friends doing l, it’s just the way she acts around the friend. Even thought she never acted this way around other friends at all. She still insists that she can be friends with the girl and will be more transparent with what she’s doing. I still have my assumption about something else going on. I am currently looking into a spy app on the phone. I hate to say it but I’m going to have to a little slick for a while and have her think I’m ok with everything to see if something is going on. Yes we have separate bank accounts. She always had school loans since we’ve bin dating so I basically pick up the rest of the bills, including her new car. But it’s a family car. Her money goes to her bills and maybe 2 “house bills” or mutual bills. Everything else comes from me, vacations, nights out, party gifts, ext. but from a previous post, made me really rethink that, and I am working on changing our finances. I get girls nights, she has those. When she’s with me she always has her phone and I’ve never seen her go an hour with out checking her phone. But she does when I text her, specially with the friend. At 2 in the morning. I called her 5 times because it was another hour between texting me back and her location was off. I kind of lost my cool by then. Not on her but had enough of her out so late. What makes me nervous is that she never got mad at me for calling her 5 times in a row. Is she guilty about it doing something so didn’t want to get mad at me? I don’t know. I could be looking way to into this, at this point I don’t know what to think. So if anyone has recommendations on a iPhone spy app I’m all ears. And this place seems like a good place to get some ideas. Once again thank you all for your support and advice. Positive and negative, agreeing with me and disagreeing with me. Definitely a learning curve for me. And I’ll be honest, the disagreeing post makes me feel better, it makes it seem like it’s more me then her. But I still need to get to the bottom of this.


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## Homebody75

Just to add one more question (like I haven’t asked enough), what if I show her this post. There is a good mix of opinions. Personally, I kind of the fence leaning towards no, but maybe if she see this many neutral party reactions it might change something.


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## Homebody75

Sorry for the constant post, but what I did tell her last night, and I have told her many times, is how I look at our marriage. I see it as she is my number one. Everything I do affects her. I lay my head down next to her, I come home to her every night. There is not one person in the world that could be worth conflict between the two of us. Every decision I make, will change my way of life and hers. No matter what. The movie “The Vow” with Channing Tatum had one good line about a cheating spouse, “I’m not going to leave them for the one thing they have done wrong, I’m going to stay with them for all the things they have done right”.


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## Diana7

Girl_power said:


> The OP just sounds controlling to me and completely disagrees with everything about her life choices. He follows her location, he wants at to give her a curfew, he doesn’t think wives should be “acting like this” and she should be home cleaning instead, he doesn’t approve of how she spends HER money...


Sorry but you are putting words into his mouth. 
I don't think that wives should be acting the way she is either, its completely inappropriate. Oh and BTW its not HER money, its THEIR money, they are married.


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## jlg07

Homebody75 said:


> Just to add one more question (like I haven’t asked enough), what if I show her this post. There is a good mix of opinions. Personally, I kind of the fence leaning towards no, but maybe if she see this many neutral party reactions it might change something.


NO do not do that. This is YOUR safe place to discuss this, and if things get worse, you will still be here to get advice/guidance and you probably do NOT want her to read that then...


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## Tilted 1

Homebody75 said:


> Sorry for the constant post, but what I did tell her last night, and I have told her many times, is how I look at our marriage. I see it as she is my number one. Everything I do affects her. I lay my head down next to her, I come home to her every night. There is not one person in the world that could be worth conflict between the two of us. Every decision I make, will change my way of life and hers. No matter what. The movie “The Vow” with Channing Tatum had one good line about a cheating spouse, “I’m not going to leave them for the one thing they have done wrong, I’m going to stay with them for all the things they have done right”.



HB75, if you do what you wrote above, sure then what you're classified is : RUGSWEPT = Rugsweeping. If this is how you want to wear that badge. Nothing you may hear here will help you keep your head up. Sorry it is just the way it will be.


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## phillybeffandswiss

No, ask questions, thank you for being open. 

So, she goes out with this friend at least every other week or more and sometimes out to a bar where she remains out until 2 am.

You both have full time jobs.
You both have separate bank accounts.
You both do work around the house.
You feel more should be done on her end before she parties.
You feel she is texting and connected to her phone too much.

So, you were hedging because your gut tells you she might be cheating. 

Of course you like the disagreeing post because it absolves your wife of any responsibility.

Let me ask you this, do you stop her from:
Girl’s night out
Visiting her Family
Visiting her Friends
Having a Phone
Having access to any money
Having male friends 
Texting people

You do understand, contrary to popular belief, controlling is not always bad. If she spends as bad as you say, the finances need to be “controlled.” My wife can irresponsibly spend so, guess who is “controlling” the finances? Yep me. 

Yes, my wife earns her own money, but WE pay bills, WE pay student loans, WE pay car repairs, WE mutually spent for the children at the time and I controlled those aspects. Responsible financial people can take care of finances, but not all people do this well, When we are good I ask no questions about what is left. Yet, if she needs help, the stipulation is I get to question her spending habits. Yes, it works both ways. Funny thing is, I rarely need help. Funnier than that, my “controlling” behavior has curbed her spending. She may still do it, but she works OT and rarely asks me for anything. 

Also, whose idea was it to turn on the tracking app?



> “I’m not going to leave them for the one thing they have done wrong, I’m going to stay with them for all the things they have done right”.


You know the problem with many movies, they are fiction.

It is a neat saying, but guess how the wife of the actual couple felt.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6258363/Couple-inspired-Vow-getting-divorced-25-years.html


> Heartbreak as couple, who inspired romantic drama The Vow after wife lost all memory in a crash and relearned to love her husband, are getting DIVORCED as she opens up about his infidelity





Homebody75 said:


> Sorry for the constant post, but what I did tell her last night, and I have told her many times, is how I look at our marriage. I see it as she is my number one. Everything I do affects her. I lay my head down next to her, I come home to her every night. There is not one person in the world that could be worth conflict between the two of us. Every decision I make, will change my way of life and hers. No matter what. The movie “The Vow” with Channing Tatum had one good line about a cheating spouse, “I’m not going to leave them for the one thing they have done wrong, I’m going to stay with them for all the things they have done right”.


No, do not show her any of this yet. There are very few couples who work on TAM together. Many, that I have witnessed, self destruct or both leave here angry. Let this be your space for questions and venting now, until you decide what you really want to do in your marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm

Homebody75 said:


> Just to add one more question (like I haven’t asked enough), what if I show her this post. There is a good mix of opinions. Personally, I kind of the fence leaning towards no, but maybe if she see this many neutral party reactions it might change something.




Oh god no. Keep this place to yourself!




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Girl_power

Diana7 said:


> Sorry but you are putting words into his mouth.
> 
> I don't think that wives should be acting the way she is either, its completely inappropriate. Oh and BTW its not HER money, its THEIR money, they are married.




I think it should be their money but he is the one who is keeping finances separate and saying it’s her money vs his money.


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## Girl_power

I can’t believe no one sees how controlling this guy is. His wife has a life outside the marriage which is healthy, the problem is he doesn’t have a life outside the marriage so he resents her when she goes out.


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## SunCMars

3Xnocharm said:


> Disagree 100% that he is being controlling. She is completely out of line for a married woman. *I dont necessarily think she is out cheating*, but her behavior for sure is not appropriate. How would she feel if the tables were turned and it was OP staying out til all hours with a buddy, wasting way too much money and neglecting things at home?? Wifey has a choice to make, she either loses the toxic friend, or her family.


Then again, what is cheating?

She is cheating the husband and family out of their together time. 

Parenting is tough, she is getting away from the home, the husband and the children in a potentially, destructive way.

Her behavior will, very likely get progressively worse. Right now, some are giving her the benefit of the doubt on what she does at these bars and at the friends home.

With her present attitude, that doubt, is undoubtedly worth looking into.

When she asked you if you wanted her to stop seeing her friend, had you said, YES, you would likely found out her true feelings.

You need to call her bluff. You will immediately know where you stand.

Does her friend have children?

What are the ages of yours? Little ones are very demanding!!

Some 'away time' from the family is stress relieving and good. What she is doing is destructive.

Those words out of her mouth, "you aren't my boss". Those words and thoughts originated from her toxic friend. Her friend is divorced. I can see why. Her ex husband probably tried to reign her in and she left her marriage.

Her friend is likely an alcoholic. Your wife will soon become one, also.

Then, she will, in truth, be married to the bottle, and not to you.

Keep in mind, when under the influence of alcohol, any boundaries she has will likely fall. If they have not already fallen.

I suspect cheating (at many levels) has already occurred, many times.

Remember, cheating can be kissing, touching inappropriately, talking trash about her family, flirting, etc.

And, taking excessive time away from the family "for not a good reason".



Nemesis-


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## Homebody75

I show signs on controlling because it is my personality and I am working on that. I have never told her who she can and can not hang out with, I have never told her she needs to be home and a certain time. I have told her I don’t like this person, I have asked her not to stay out too late. I only control the finances because she doesn’t do well with it, and use to be a lot worse. We are working on her budgeting and spending. If I didn’t take control of it then we would be in the poor house. She knows this and would like me to completely take over her bills and her paycheck and just give her an amount at the end of the week. I didn’t not want to do that, I feel I do enough and she could take responsibility for some bills. I have told her plenty of times, just make sure there payed on time and you’re paying them, you need help just ask don’t let them build up. But time after time she lets them build up and by the time I find out it’s a couple thousand dollars behind. Both children are 5 and under. I know “The Vow” is only a movie, also why I said the “one” good line. Rest of it sucked. I love my wife, I love my kids. If she is cheating I’m willing to work it out, as long as she is, for us and our girls. She sees her family, and friends, not a lot of guy friends, but she has them, between mutual guy friends or work guy friends, no one she goes out with out or hangs out with. She has girls nights pretty often. I don’t resent her for that, I work a lot, I only get to see my girls (including my wife) a couple hours a day. To me that isn’t enough. So I enjoy being home. Yeah of course I like to go out, who doesn’t. We have a joint account that money goes in from my paycheck. She has access to that and can take money out whenever, I just ask her to let me know because of problems in the past. We would be saving that money up for a project around the house and next thing I know half of it is gone due to her taking from it for other things. I really want her to loose the friend and I made it clear but not harsh, I don’t want to tell her what to do. I feel I have plenty of examples of why she is not good for us and just causes problems when she’s around. For Christ sake the women harshly reprimanded my oldest for something so stupid. I wouldn’t even have said a word to my daughter because it was so stupid and I’m the parent, this women had only bin in our lives for maybe 9 months. I told my wife, “if that was a guy that did that to my kid, I would have lost it on him.” I almost kicked her out of my house, but I didn’t, it’s my wife’s friends and it was my wife’s place to take care of that. And my wife told me she did. So for the past nine month I have had multiple fights with my wife about this girl and more and more reasons why I don’t like her. If anyone has any suggestions for a I phone spy app please let me know.


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## Tilted 1

Fonlab, need the phone and password.


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## Tex X

Homebody75 said:


> The movie “The Vow” with Channing Tatum had one good line about a cheating spouse, “I’m not going to leave them for the one thing they have done wrong, I’m going to stay with them for all the things they have done right”.


Sorry dude but that is a load of crap. Time to get your balls back and stand up for yourself and for your marriage. I don't know if your wife has cheated on you yet, but there are definitely some red flags appearing (staying out late with divorced friend, unable to be contacted at 2:00 AM, turning location off). Your behavior is actually controlling - you're acting like a 'Nice Guy'. You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy like yesterday.

Look - having friends and hanging out with friends is perfectly fine. A big red flag to me is that your wife is hanging out late night with a recent divorcee. My ex did the same thing, and that woman filled her head with all kinds of crap. We were already having problems in our marriage, but my ex's friend (separated not divorced yet) led her to believe that she could do so much better than me. Find another dude and life will be great - see how great it is for me? That woman cheated on her husband with another married man, then moved in with the AP who was still not divorced. That guys wife didn't even know he was leaving until he stopped coming home. Real great role model. Sorry for the rant, but you need to get a hold of this situation quick. You need boundaries, and you need to be ready to enforce your boundaries. You're being walked all over right now.


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## Homebody75

I can’t tell her to cut ties with the friend, that would go over like a fart in church. I brought up the idea of a couples counselor and hoping the counselors can help her realize what one person is doing to a loving 12 year relationship and a family and removing that one person could change it all. She was a little defensive about it and I questioned that. We have Had arguments in the past and very rare. We have fought more with this friend involved then we have in 12 years. I’ve bin reading articles and getting help and support here but a lot of what I’ve bin reading is a couples counselor is good even for the best relationship. If you’re already having a re-occurring problem then it’s too late, should have had a counselor in the beginning. I know a counselor won’t fix our relationship but will help us find ways to fix it ourselves. When she got defensive, I explained that our problem isn’t healed, I don’t feel that it is fixed, it’s on the mend but not healed, and a counselor will help us work on that.


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## Tex X

Look man - you need to decide what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship. It's called a boundary, and you have to be prepared to back it up. You can't rely on anybody else to get your wife to 'see the light'. Hoping that a counselor will help your wife realize the err of her ways? Not gonna happen. YOU have to stand up for what YOU want. Like I said before, I think it's perfectly acceptable for spouses to have friends and hobbies/interests outside of the marriage. That is healthy. But your gut is telling you something is wrong, and based on what you have posted here I am inclined to agree with your gut.

I agree that under normal circumstances you shouldn't tell a spouse who they should or should not hang out with. But you can absolutely voice your concerns about behaviors and the fact that you dislike what she does when she hangs out with that friend. And think about this - how are you going to feel when you didn't put your foot down about her behavior, and then months or years down the road you come to find out she was in fact cheating on you? It happens all the time. It seems that your wife has lost respect for you. That is a hard one to come back from, but it is possible. It starts with you though - fix yourself first. You need a good IC. I wouldn't bother with MC right now. You do need to sniff out a potential affair though. That bell is impossible to unring once it has happened.


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## Tilted 1

It's like, telling a child not to play in the street. Do they really listen or return to the street because it is long and flat. They do what they think is best for them. Nothing more. It's ok to be the husband you are, but it's also ok to be the man of your marriage.


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## Tex X

Homebody75 said:


> Just to add one more question (like I haven’t asked enough), what if I show her this post. There is a good mix of opinions. Personally, I kind of the fence leaning towards no, but maybe if she see this many neutral party reactions it might change something.


Jesus please don't do that. You're trying to find ways to convince your wife what she is doing is wrong. You're hoping that you can present evidence to her that will make her realize that she is acting inappropriately. I've been there and done that, and I'm here to tell you that doesn't work. YOU have to stand up for YOURSELF and set a boundary that you will not accept this kind of behavior in your marriage. And you need to be prepared to back it up and enforce the boundary if it is crossed.


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## alte Dame

I think you should flip the script. So much of this tug of war comes down to how you are expressing yourself. When you say that "she should....," you sound 'controlling.'

How about you change how you word your side of the conversation? For example,

"Wife, I won't be in a marriage where my spouse thinks it's OK to stay out until 2am not answering texts. If you believe that that is how you want to live, we will be living separately."

These are expressions of YOUR boundaries for how YOU will live YOUR life. These are your choices. You don't have to ask her permission to define your own boundaries. You don't have to feel doubtful or guilty about defining perfectly reasonable expectations for a marriage.

Take a deep, cleansing breath and decide to lay it out simply, calmly, and with conviction - "I won't be in a marriage in which my spouse does X."

You can't control her. You can only control yourself.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Homebody75 said:


> I show signs on controlling because it is my personality and I am working on that.


Okay, so, you are controlling. Please explain where and when.




> I have never told her who she can and can not hang out with,
> I have never told her she needs to be home and a certain time.
> I have told her I don’t like this person, I have asked her not to stay out too late.
> She sees her family, and friends,
> not a lot of guy friends, but she has them, between mutual guy friends or work guy friends, no one she goes out with out or hangs out with.
> She has girls nights pretty often
> We have a joint account that money goes in from my paycheck
> She has access to that and can take money out whenever, I just ask her to let me know because of problems in the past.


You already told us you also have separate accounts.

These actions are the exact opposite of controlling.



> I only control the finances because she doesn’t do well with it, and use to be a lot worse.
> We are working on her budgeting and spending.
> If I didn’t take control of it then we would be in the poor house.
> She knows this and would like me to completely take over her bills and her paycheck
> and just give her an amount at the end of the week.
> I didn’t not want to do that, I feel I do enough and she could take responsibility for some bills.
> I have told her plenty of times, just make sure there payed on time and you’re paying them, you need help just ask don’t let them build up. But time after time she lets them build up and by the time I find out it’s a couple thousand dollars behind.
> We would be saving that money up for a project around the house and next thing I know half of it is gone due to her taking from it for other things.


After mutual discussions, multiple mistakes and agreement you took the finances out of her hands with her consent. This is not controlling.

Please explain where and when the controlling behavior occurred.



> I really want her to loose the friend and I made it clear but not harsh, I don’t want to tell her what to do. I feel I have plenty of examples of why she is not good for us and just causes problems when she’s around. For Christ sake the women harshly reprimanded my oldest for something so stupid. I wouldn’t even have said a word to my daughter because it was so stupid and I’m the parent, this women had only bin in our lives for maybe 9 months. I told my wife, “if that was a guy that did that to my kid, I would have lost it on him.” I almost kicked her out of my house, but I didn’t, it’s my wife’s friends and it was my wife’s place to take care of that. And my wife told me she did. So for the past nine month I have had multiple fights with my wife about this girl and more and more reasons why I don’t like her. If anyone has any suggestions for a I phone spy app please let me know.


Wanting a toxic friend out of your life, especially a new one who has caused more fights now than during your 12 years of marriage, is not wrong or controlling.

So, please, explain your controlling behavior. I do not see it.


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## turnera

Read the book His Needs Her Needs. Then read it together.


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## MattMatt

Marduk said:


> Wait wait wait...
> 
> You have a curfew on your wife and have to “help her out” when she “gets behind?”
> 
> Are you her husband or her parent?


I think she might need financial help with "getting behind."

And a mom who stays out 'til after 2am? 

If she cant impose a limit on her staying out late, maybe someone else should? Though I think the word "curfew" is not entirely appropriate, here.


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## aquarius1

MattMatt said:


> I think she might need financial help with "getting behind."
> 
> And a mom who stays out 'til after 2am?
> 
> If she cant impose a limit on her staying out late, maybe someone else should? Though I think the word "curfew" is not entirely appropriate, here.


Maybe because she knows that she can count on his help she doesn't strive to improve herself. Dependence. And growing up.

It's not about curfew, it's about respectful boundaries as a working partnership.

And I'm surprised no one has mentioned this, but is it possible that your wife is having an affair WITH THIS WOMAN?

It's not the first time we have seen that here. All the red flags are there


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## Yeswecan

3Xnocharm said:


> Disagree 100% that he is being controlling. She is completely out of line for a married woman. I dont necessarily think she is out cheating, but her behavior for sure is not appropriate. How would she feel if the tables were turned and it was OP staying out til all hours with a buddy, wasting way too much money and neglecting things at home?? Wifey has a choice to make, she either loses the toxic friend, or her family.


I do not see any controlling here. Going out all hours of the night on the regular is a problem. I agree the friend is toxic and no friend of the marriage.


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## Girl_power

Yeswecan said:


> I do not see any controlling here. Going out all hours of the night on the regular is a problem. I agree the friend is toxic and no friend of the marriage.




Define on the regular? Once a week?


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## Yeswecan

Girl_power said:


> Define on the regular? Once a week?


1-2 times a week.


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## Girl_power

Yeswecan said:


> 1-2 times a week.




He said this happens maybe once a week, sometimes every other.


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## x598

oh come on.......anyone that has been around a while can recognize the late nights are just the beginning of either an affair, toxic friends enabling poor behavior and lowering of boundaries, or an unconscious "escape" from the marriage.

this is just the tip of the iceberg……..and its growing.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Girl_power said:


> He said this happens maybe once a week, sometimes every other.





x598 said:


> oh come on.......anyone that has been around a while can recognize the late nights are just the beginning of either an affair, toxic friends enabling poor behavior and lowering of boundaries, or an unconscious "escape" from the marriage.
> 
> this is just the tip of the iceberg……..and its growing.


What’s strange is he says, all throughout his posts, he doesn’t like this friend. Yet, here we sit, debating his controlling behavior when he has stopped posting.

It isn’t about her other GNOs, her going out with other friends until 2am or going out every other week or more. It is this particular friend, who said something to their kids, they both agreed she did something wrong and his wife refuses to cut her out of the marriage.

No, you remain single if you want to have any type of friend you like.
No, you divorce if you think a friend is more important than your marriage.


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## Mr.Married

Until you grow a backbone the problem will remain. She is walking all over you. 

You can’t control her but you can control yourself.

You either set the tone hard and fast or just keep being her toy.

Situations like yours are common here. Your going to talk talk talk talk talk talk talk and talk some more until your blue in the face........but nothing is going to happen until you DO something.


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## Yeswecan

Girl_power said:


> He said this happens maybe once a week, sometimes every other.


Still one to many IMO. My W goes out late with her girlfriends once every 3-4 months. And late for them is maybe 1130. This is by her choosing.


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## Girl_power

Yeswecan said:


> Still one to many IMO. My W goes out late with her girlfriends once every 3-4 months. And late for them is maybe 1130. This is by her choosing.




Everyone is different. It doesn’t matter. The OP stopped posting. He is going to think what he wants and he will never be on the same page as his wife. Spouses are suppose to be teammates. This isn’t it.


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