# He’s interfering with my self-love process



## UnhappyMrs (Sep 24, 2021)

We’ve been married for 6 months and I recently started therapy where I learn to cope with past childhood and relationship trauma and how to love myself. Ever since I’m in this process I resent my husbands words and actions towards me because they go against my self-respect. These are examples:
1. he never comforts me when I’m sad or consoles me when I’m griefing, when a family member dies for example 
2. he calls me dumb or stupid whenever he gets frustrated with me
3. when I’m angry or upset about him or others, he tells me to be quiet or go cry somewhere else
4. he creates a lot of financial pressure on me and tells me almost daily to make more money finally so we can buy a house (I make 60k/year). He has money to buy a house but wants me to contribute at least 40%.
5. he talks negative about people I like or love, mainly friends and family 
6. he complains I don’t cook and clean enough (which he rarely ever does himself)
7. he says I’m lazy and have a bad mindset and he can’t take my negativity anymore, mainly due to me being sad every day
8. he keeps making negative comments about my weight or looks in a jokingly manner (I’m 5‘7 and 155 pounds)

I’ve addressed all this with him. He agrees with me that this is going on but he sees absolutely no problem in his behavior. He genuinely doesn’t understand why I’m upset.
I’ve told him we have to do counseling, he absolutely refuses to. 

All this being said, we do have a good time and enjoy each others company. I love him very much and don’t want to divorce. What do I do?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

You love him very much....what makes you love him very much? What are the positives here?


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## UnhappyMrs (Sep 24, 2021)

hubbyintrubby said:


> You love him very much....what makes you love him very much? What are the positives here?


He ‚checks‘ all the boxes in a sense and has no annoying habits (no drinking, gambling, flirting with women, playing playstation all day etc.), he’s ambitious and always motivated to do great things, he’s energetic and has a positive attitude towards challenges, he’s good looking, the sex is good, he gives me a lot of attention, I can trust him, we’re interested in the same things


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

UnhappyMrs said:


> He ‚checks‘ all the boxes in a sense and has no annoying habits (no drinking, gambling, flirting with women, playing playstation all day etc.), he’s ambitious and always motivated to do great things, he’s energetic and has a positive attitude towards challenges, he’s good looking, the sex is good, he gives me a lot of attention, I can trust him, we’re interested in the same things


Looks like he doesn't really "check all the boxes"... there are 8 up there in your original post. To me, from what you say, he sounds like despicable man. No man should treat his wife like that. Sorry.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

UnhappyMrs said:


> 1. he never comforts me when I’m sad or consoles me when I’m griefing, when a family member dies for example
> 2. he calls me dumb or stupid whenever he gets frustrated with me
> 3. when I’m angry or upset about him or others, he tells me to be quiet or go cry somewhere else
> 4. he creates a lot of financial pressure on me and tells me almost daily to make more money finally so we can buy a house (I make 60k/year). He has money to buy a house but wants me to contribute at least 40%.
> ...


Well I'll have a go with your list .......
1. How many family members died in the last 6 months? Most men (including me) don't handle grief very well, that's not something we can change
2. Totally unacceptable, tell him you don't like it and he's not to do it.
3. Best not to be angry or upset, I know I'm against the forum majority on this, but I like to avoid all conflict.
4. Totally unacceptable, your job, your money, your life, I'd not be saving to buy a house with this man for a while.
5. He shouldn't be bad mouthing anyone, let alone your friends and family, tell him to stop, or just walk away when he does it.
6. I do most of the cooking in our home, my wife prefers to bring home take-out, men can cook, why don't you suggest he learns to cook, or an alternative idea is to order take-out more, home food delivery has gone through the roof where I live since COVID. As for the cleaning, neither my wife or I like cleaning but we've learned to live in a dirty house, I sweep downstairs, she sweep upstairs.
7. If you're earning 60k/year I doubt you're lazy, sounds like you're a hard worker to me, some people are sad, some people are happy, he must have known this before you married.
8. Presumably your weight hasn't changed much in the past 6 months, it's totally unacceptable for him to comment on it.

Draw a few lines in the sand, lines he's not to cross or else.
Put the house buying on hold (unless he wants to pay 100%), easier to make life changing decisions when you're not financially tied together. Living with someone new can be hard on both people, it's something that you both have to give a little time to settle. We waited for 2 years before my wife and I bought a house.

Good luck!


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## UnhappyMrs (Sep 24, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Looks like he doesn't really "check all the boxes"... there are 8 up there in your original post. To me, from what you say, he sounds like despicable man. No man should treat his wife like that. Sorry.


to me he checked all the boxes because any other man I met before was much worse, drinking habit, cheating, etc. 
when I met him I didn’t see anything wrong with him, but now that I started therapy I do see it. I‘m afraid I‘ll only find worse men if I leave him, like the men i met before


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Unfortunately it sounds like your standards need revision to include someone who satisfies your emotional needs and makes you feel loved.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Honestly, he may seem like a good guy, but his behaviour described above is designed to manipulate you. 
But you probably already know that. Keep you cowed keep you under his control 

Sorry for that


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

UnhappyMrs said:


> to me he checked all the boxes because any other man I met before was much worse, drinking habit, cheating, etc.
> when I met him I didn’t see anything wrong with him, but now that I started therapy I do see it. I‘m afraid I‘ll only find worse men if I leave him, like the men i met before


Well, you are in therapy, so now you know what to look out for... and you don't have to be with a bad man. Don't make poor choices just because you think you need a man.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Look at it this way, if a guy made a post like yours everyone would be telling him to stop thinking with his little head and start thinking with the big one.

He has issues of his own that he's taking out on you.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Just my opinion - he has a set of personality issues with regard to how to treat someone you should adore.
Instead - you post of list of negatives about his behavior. And you have been married a short time? 

Best to get this problem (s?) sorted quickly or all the "positives" will fade into background. And, what if you have children and see 'daddy calling mama stupid?' - not good 

He needs to work on himself - a lot


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## UnhappyMrs (Sep 24, 2021)

He needs to work on himself - a lot
[/QUOTE]

How do I get him to work on himself when he doesn’t see the problem and refuses couples counseling?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

UnhappyMrs said:


> How do I get him to work on himself when he doesn’t see the problem and refuses couples counseling?


Just tell him what you told us here and tell him you are very unhappy about his behaviour. Mention the D word and see what happens. But be prepared to go through with it. No empty threats.


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## UnhappyMrs (Sep 24, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Well, you are in therapy, so now you know what to look out for... and you don't have to be with a bad man. Don't make poor choices just because you think you need a man.


Sadly, I always have the feeling that I need a man. The few periods in life when I was single, I was miserable. I don’t have anybody else but my husband. No family, friends, not even coworkers since I‘m self-employed. My family lives 3 flight hours away and I‘m not close with them. I‘m scared to think what it would be like to live on my own. An extreme, I could go missing and it would take 3 weeks for somebody to even notice. The thought of being alone is terrifying to me.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

UnhappyMrs said:


> Sadly, I always have the feeling that I need a man. The few periods in life when I was single, I was miserable. I don’t have anybody else but my husband. No family, friends, not even coworkers since I‘m self-employed. My family lives 3 flight hours away and I‘m not close with them. I‘m scared to think what it would be like to live on my own. An extreme, I could go missing and it would take 3 weeks for somebody to even notice. The thought of being alone is terrifying to me.


I really can empathise with your situation, im what might be termed a serial monogmyst, however I got the point were I couldn't carry on. I actually found living on my own quite liberating. The independence made me feel strong and self assured. You might suprise yourself too if it came to it. 

There are some things you can do to prepare yourself. Join some clubs or shared interest groups. It surprising how quickly you can build up a social circle.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

UnhappyMrs said:


> All this being said, we do have a good time and enjoy each others company.


You sound like the typical babe that claims she hates to be treated badly by a bad boy but is turned on by his bad boy treatment of you. You may as well face it; you are robustly attracted to this douche bag and you ain't going anywhere. My suggestion is to carry on with your therapy to get over relationship trauma, consider him for what he is, a good looking guy who can treat his woman like shyt and have her submitting to his desires and learn to deal with his put downs and disrespect. When you learn, you'll probably ditch his ass.


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## UnhappyMrs (Sep 24, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> You sound like the typical babe that claims she hates to be treated badly by a bad boy but is turned on by his bad boy treatment of you. You may as well face it; you are robustly attracted to this douche bag and you ain't going anywhere. My suggestion is to carry on with your therapy to get over relationship trauma, consider him for what he is, a good looking guy who can treat his woman like shyt and have her submitting to his desires and learn to deal with his put downs and disrespect. When you learn, you'll probably ditch his ass.


I‘m definitely not turned on by it. But as I mentioned in other comments, he is all I have and I‘m used to much worse behavior. Compared to what I went through with other people in my life (not just boyfriends), he’s a charm.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are unhappy. Your husband doesn't think he has a problem. He isn't interested in any sort of counseling. You are afraid to be alone. You've tolerated worse behavior from other men. 

Since you don't want to leave and he doesn't want to change, the only thing you can do is learn to accept him as he is and learn to live with it.

I'd suggest you work on figuring out why you are so miserable when you're alone. If you could get to the root of that issue, you may be able to leave your husband. All I can say is, I don't understand why people freak out when they're faced with the possibility of being alone. You also need to learn how to make friends and develop a support system. My guess is if you could develop those things, you'd be less willing to stay in the marriage.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

UnhappyMrs said:


> to me he checked all the boxes because any other man I met before was much worse, drinking habit, cheating, etc.
> when I met him I didn’t see anything wrong with him, but now that I started therapy I do see it. I‘m afraid I‘ll only find worse men if I leave him, like the men i met before


Catch 22. Dammed if you do damned if you don’t.

Wish you well. Strange that therapy revealed this to you. I would question if the therapist is guiding you to think these things. There are some bad therapist out there.

If he is really treating you badly, marriage counseling might be the key.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

You have a laundry list of negatives with this person. You have two things you like about him. Am I missing something here?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

UnhappyMrs said:


> He ‚checks‘ all the boxes in a sense and has no annoying habits (no drinking, gambling, flirting with women, playing playstation all day etc.), he’s ambitious and always motivated to do great things, he’s energetic and has a positive attitude towards challenges, he’s good looking, the sex is good, he gives me a lot of attention, I can trust him, we’re interested in the same things


That is great, that he is great in all those great ways.

Yet, you _grate_ on his nerves.
Do you?

I agree, he does give you lots of attention..._all negative._

He is good looking on the outside, inside his head, _not so much_.

He gets checks in all your_ 'want'_ boxes.
He checks and pushes your _'ouch' _button, repeatedly.

Where am I going wrong here?

Should not some of your wants be, _he is kind to me, he likes me as I am?_

He sounds spoiled and entitled.



_Are Dee-_


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

UnhappyMrs said:


> I‘m definitely not turned on by it. But as I mentioned in other comments, he is all I have and I‘m used to much worse behavior. Compared to what I went through with other people in my life (not just boyfriends), he’s a charm.


He takes you on an emotional roller coaster ride. He's got you where you never know what happens next and it makes you feel alive. You feel threatened by outside forces and look to him to protect them from those outside forces. Your willing to put up with the disrespect


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Actually if you really love yourself, nobody can "interfere" with that. Gaining self-esteem and learning about boundaries would help you.

Consider another counselor. The one you have sounds like a dud. JMO


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

UnhappyMrs said:


> He needs to work on himself - a lot
> 
> How do I get him to work on himself when he doesn’t see the problem and refuses couples counseling?


It’s not about him, it’s about YOU.
YOU need to decide what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage, and how you will and will not be treated.

He will either choose to change the way he treats and interacts with you, or he won’t.
If he does choose to change the way he treats you, counseling is one tool that could help.
If he chooses not to treat you in a way that you are willing to accept, then you need to file for divorce.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

UnhappyMrs said:


> Sadly, I always have the feeling that I need a man. The few periods in life when I was single, I was miserable. I don’t have anybody else but my husband. No family, friends, not even coworkers since I‘m self-employed. My family lives 3 flight hours away and I‘m not close with them. I‘m scared to think what it would be like to live on my own. An extreme, I could go missing and it would take 3 weeks for somebody to even notice. The thought of being alone is terrifying to me.


This is the crux of all your problems. You have to be comfortable being alone in order to be in a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

UnhappyMrs said:


> We’ve been married for 6 months and I recently started therapy where I learn to cope with past childhood and relationship trauma and how to love myself. Ever since I’m in this process I resent my husbands words and actions towards me because they go against my self-respect. These are examples:
> 1. he never comforts me when I’m sad or consoles me when I’m griefing, when a family member dies for example
> 2. he calls me dumb or stupid whenever he gets frustrated with me
> 3. when I’m angry or upset about him or others, he tells me to be quiet or go cry somewhere else
> ...


He's abusive. Surely your therapist has noticed that. Don't stay with someone abusive who brings you down. That is part of the abuse. They try to tamp you down and make you feel worthless so they can control you better and also because it gives him a thrill to do it because of his own low self-esteem, which you can't fix. Just get out of this. Don't choose this person to build a life with. It will be miserable!


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