# Prewedding jitters or a real problem?



## Getfit728 (Feb 23, 2015)

My fiancee and I are due to be wed in June of this year. She is 25 and I am 31, She is a K-5 substitute teacher, which is great cause we both like kids even though neither of us has any. We live together and will be in a 2 year relationship in April. When we first moved in together, I made it clear that I was in the best shape of my life and didn't want junk food in the house ( I have a food problem ). 

She was fine with that, in fact she stopped drinking soda and started eating healthy with me. I was thinking awesome! A hot girlfriend that loves going to the gym with me and someone that I connect emotionally and mentally with. Wow, I may be the luckiest guy in the world! After being together for a year and a half, we decide to get married. I tell my parents, they just don't care, I am fine with that. She tells her parents and they are happy and her mom wants to get together and start planning the wedding. I want a small wedding, she said she does too. We set a limit at 30 people and that was that. She goes to her mom's and comes home and tells me our 30 people has become 125ish, also that I must have 4 groomsmen to match her brides maids. I only have 2 friends that I actually can count on to stand up there with me and I'm not even sure they can make it, because we are getting married in her hometown which is 2 hours from mine.

However, after announcing the wedding, she started blowing off jobs to go see her mom or go to the movies with her friend. Then she would talk about getting a house, but how we couldn't afford it right now. She stopped going to the gym, started eating really bad. She started commenting on how much weight she was gaining and how she wanted to loose it. She comes home from work and jumps straight into her pj's and does nothing for the rest of the night. We had an agreement, I will do the laundry and fold the clothes and she does the dishes, that held true for a month. Now I do the dishes and the laundry. 

I understand coming home from working all day and doing household chores isn't what I want to do either, so why not split them up and they get done faster with out one person having to do it all. 

Anyway, the reason that drove me looking for some site similar to this one is. For the past week and a half, we have been snowed in together,can't even get out of the parking lot. Since then, I have been seeing a very different side to her. It almost makes me think she is a child. 

Example, this morning I get up about an hour before her and start working in the office. She gets up fix's us both some coffee and brings it to me. I thank her and comment to her on how beautiful she is this morning. She asks if I will fix breakfast and I replied with as soon as I get done with these papers, but could you wash me something to cook with while I am finishing up, she said yep and closed the door. About 20 minutes later I walk out of the office and she is sitting on the couch with her laptop on facebook. the dishes are still in the sink. I ask her about them and she whines that she doesn't want to do them this early in the morning. So, I'm like okay, heat up something frozen then and turn to go back to the office. She slams her laptop shut throws it onto the other end of the couch. Stomps to the bedroom screaming it's all your fault. Then later she comes crying about how sorry she is.

There is at least one account of this happening every day we have been couped up together and randomly crying over the past couple of months. I am to the point where I want to call it quits. I don't have children right now and I sure as heck don't want to be married to one. Any advice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Uh... I'd say call it off.


It takes at least 2 years to get to really know a person. It takes that long for many people to finally start to show their real personality. Until that time they are acting their best.

There are different phases of love. There is the infatuation hot in-love phase when you first get together. This lasts for about 18-24 months. During this time period the brain is pumping out mega doses of things like dopamine. Oxytocin and other feel-good hormones. Basically you are high on love. The Oxytocin has another function besides making you feel very good... it often called an amnesia hormone. Basically it makes you see your lover through rose colored glasses. It also makes people act very differently... like the perfect mate. So basically it's fantasy. 

Look up Oxytocin and see it's roll in falling in love and bonding people. 

Well you are now beyond the infatuated in-love period. You are settling into the start of a more mature love. So the extreme high is gone.

You are no seeing who she really is. And she is no longer high on feel good hormones and working to be your perfect girl.

What you see now is what you get. Over the next few months she will become more and more who she really is.

Me? I would break up.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Yes move along. That's just weird.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sounds like how things started off with my wife (now ex), and only got worse from there.

I think your GF probably had the right intentions, that romantic notion of being married and having a partner to share responsibilities with, the problem is when it comes down to the day by day living it's too much work for her. And since you step up and take over her share what's the motivation for her?

It doesn't sound like she is who you want, she tried to change herself into the woman you wanted but it just isn't going to stick. The girl you see now, the unmotivated spoiled child, is the girl she is. Could she change and mature? Sure. Will she? Probably not very much, at 25 her habits are ingrained in her. 

Dating is an experiment, this one didn't work very well, time to try something (someone) different.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Steer clear... and for obvious reasons!*


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

She isn't ready for marriage. Walk.

She's not mature enough. I realize there are hosts of issues with your relationship, but the issue of not working out and eating junk food when she used to follow your clean lifestyle made me sit up and take notice.

I try very hard to lead an active lifestyle and eat clean (I'm not always successful). My former live-in BF didn't have food issues so he didn't understand the importance of my desire to live a healthy life. There was always crap in the house. It made my life harder.

It's hard to be with someone like that. She is showing you who she really is.

Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

That's not pre-wedding jitters. That's your common sense bludgeoning you. You won't be getting a partner. You will be getting a dependent and I suspect a high maintenance one.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Your GF likes the idea of getting married. The IDEA of it. Your gut is telling you something. Listen. End this relationship.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would say "Real Problem"


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Agree, real problem. She sounds very immature and erratic. You never know 100% for sure what you're getting when you marry someone, but here she's already stopped trying and you're not even at the wedding yet. How would you be able to trust someone like that to be your partner in raising kids, through sickness and health? She's not even taking minimal responsibility as it is.

At the same time, only you can judge what you can or want to live with. We are getting the "I am feeling fed up" version of things. We don't know anything else about the woman or what you liked about her in the first place. People make all kinds of decisions about what is and isn't a dealbreaker. I would say at a minimum you need to start having some pretty serious conversations with her about what you each want out of life and out of a marriage. She's just a substitute teacher right now -- that's not a career path. Does she want a career? Does she want to be a stay-at-home mom? How does she see division of responsibility in a marriage? If you do decide to leave, these conversations might also help ease the transition rather than just breaking it off out of the blue.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Wow, I'm glad you posted this. That's exactly how my marriage started. Everything was great at the begining, then she started changing. She starting not taking care of herself, not helping me with the household chores and getting very emotional whenever I asked her to do the smallest thing. She even started broadcasting to everyone that I was cheap since I could afford a house right away. So many parallels to my marriage and I have a TERRIBLE marriage. You can read my posts to see just how bad.

I would advise you NOT to move forward with her. It won't get better later on, it will only get worse. 

At the very least I would have a very stern conversation with her about her behavior and if she's not willing to change, it's over. Even then, if she did decide to change, I would be concerned what you are seeing now is her real personality and would be hard pressed to believe anything different. 

In a way, it great news for you that she decided to show you this side of herself before you got married. You have this chance to get out while you can. I wasn't that lucky.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You and your girlfriend are not compatible. You have pre-wedding jitters because you know that marrying her is not the right thing to do. You are bothered by her daily habits and behavior towards the wedding plans. These are indications of things to come. Do not get married. Your life will be more complicated in a married state.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I agree, don't get married. Good luck breaking up with her, when you are living with someone and you break up it can be almost as difficult (physically and emotionally) as going through a divorce (without the legal stuff) especially if the break up is one sided like this one will be.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

She didnt even have the courtesy to wait till AFTER you got married to start disrepecting you...Walk away when she isnt looking....cause she has some drama stored up just for you...or who your represent in her life.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

The one thing I didn't hear you say is how much you love her. If the love was there I'd say try and work it out. You see her as a child and that's not a good thing. I'd call it quits too.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

She has played the card. That card is similar to your card. You lucky guy. Gym, healthy eating and all the good stuff you like to do. Ok, great right? Until you ask her to marry you. Then the real person she is comes out as you have asked her to marry you. Don't do it. Please. As God as my witness this is what happened with my BIL. She did and said all the right things. Soon as he said "I do" she said "I don't." Then proceeded to camp on the couch for the next 5 years watching Fox news, leaving the house in utter ruins and ballooned up nicely. This is a pattern. Everything in her life was a project. Went gung-ho on every project. Once the project was completed it was ignored. She did it in marriage, a business and now her kids. Divorced now.

Your are a project. Job done as far as she is concerned.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She's showing you who she really is and what your married life would be like. You're seeing the red flags. Ignoring this information would be foolish and likely lead to an unhappy marriage and divorce.

There are a lot of people out there who hate housework, love junk food, and don't like exercise. She would be much better off with one of those guys, and you would be a lot better off with someone who agrees that both partners need to do their fair share of housework, and who prefers eating healthy and exercising. 

Binding yourselves together in a marriage just doesn't make any kind of sense when you can barely stand living together.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if this is her before marriage do you really think putting a ring on her will make it better?


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

while I agree with everyone that this is more than just cold feet and is an omen to a potential pattern of problems, I definitely don't immediately think RUN. However, you saying the quote below does.



Getfit728 said:


> I am to the point where I want to call it quits. I don't have children right now and I sure as heck don't want to be married to one.


If you are feeling that, then you don't need us to direct you. You know your answer. You are not bound to her, and living together allowed you to see a side of her before getting married. If that's not what you want, then you should make that decision well before the wedding. You not wanting to marry her is enough of a reason to, well, NOT marry her.

If you want to give her a chance to remedy the things you take issue with, then I would tell her that. Say this is making you reevaluate everything and your future together, it's THAT important to you. Say you are afraid to have this be the way things are forever. If that wakes her up enough then she will change. Then I'd recommend premarital counseling stat. If she isn't willing to change, and/or says she is but doesn't follow through, then you will know that you did everything you could to try to make it work and you can walk away. Your choice.


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