# My story



## hurtinny (Jan 6, 2012)

Ok, this is my story. I don't expect anyone to necessarily comment or care, but I needed to write my story. I met my wife 12 years ago on the internet. She was seperated from her husband who she married when she was 18 and I was single, never before being in a relationship. She lived in California and I was in NY and honestly we were both looking for a friend from the beginning. We were two lonely people and quickly realized that we shared something special.

After months of talking online and on the phone she decided it was time for us to meet in person. She has family in NY and decided to fly and see them. I drove the hour drive to pick her up at her grandparents house and we had our "first date" three months after we first met. The day was everything we both wanted. It led to me flying to California a few months later to spend a week with her. Long story short, she moved out to live with me ten months after we first met online.

She moved in with me with her two small boys and we were completely in love. I raised her children as my own. We married three years later and have since had three beautiful children. After 12 years together we suffered many of the normal stresses of marriage, i.e. money, kids, lack of quality time alone, etc. I thought that these were normal, she felt we were losing our connection.

Anyway, after the birth of our third child, she suffered from severe post partum depression. The doctor prescribed Zoloft to combat it. I have never, in 12 years, thought my wife was anything but perfect. She loved me, I loved her, we were faithful. Sometime about four months after our last child was born a married man she had worked with and always complained about started showing her attention. He told her how pretty and sexy she was. They started sexting and it eventually led to pictures and videos. After a month or so of this flirtatious behavior it started leading to a physical affair. They met in a parking garage a made out, they used their hands on each other and finally broke down and had sex in their office building a few weeks later. They continued to meet after work on their way home at different parking lots to have sex over the course of the next three months. They were all over each other at their work, rubbing each other and ever going as far as using their mouths on each other in their building when they had any free moments without others around.

In September, three months into their affair, I began to notice a change in my wife. She began to become very distant from me and our kids. She was drinking every night and never went anywhere without her cell phone. She was texting at the dinner table and even in bed with me. I asked her one night if she was doing something she shouldn't be doing, if there was anything I needed to know, etc? She looked me in the eyes and convinced me I was crazy, she actually made me feel guilty I could even think that about her. 

Finally one night, after she was texting and giggling in bed I had enough. I waited until she fell asleep and stole her cell phone. I went into the bathroom and read her sexts and scrolled up saw a video that she had made for him. I was irate, I woke her up and again she denied the physical affair. She told me it was just their way of acting out a fantasy and after talking all night, convinced me that nothing physical ever happened between them. Stupidly, I again believed her, in 11 years she had never given me any questions as for her loyalty or faithfulness.

Over the next three months, after I began talking to the other mans wife, we were able to piece together more and more of the story. They made more then the one video she admitted to that first night, it was more like 30, they had phone sex most mornings after I left for work, they did kiss a few times. Finally about two months after that first night, I found an old facebook conversation where it was clear that they had slept together. I confronted her again, and again she denied it. It wasn't until the other mans wife got him to admit it did she come clean saying she was to embarrased and ashamed to tell me the truth. She told me that they had sex four times over the last month. I was devistated again. Since then, the rest of the story has come out, she actually met him about 20 times for sex and the relationship was about four months long. They had sex mostly in our car and a few times did it in front of my seven month old daughter. It also came out that all the sex they were having was unprotected and the man has herpes. During the time of the affair my wife and I were still having sex ourselves and it was mostly unprotected. I felt betrayed like never before.

Anyway, in the past week since everything has been found out, my wife has quit her job so she won't have to see the man anymore. I made her sell her car, she changed her cell phone number and has gotten off facebook. She has been going to therapy on her own the past couple weeks and we have been going to couples therapy together the past month or so. She has been great, trying to recommit to our marriage and being selfless in a way she never had been before, even when times were good. She has been going to church every week with me, something she did in our beginning, but stopped the past few years. She tries to tell me that everything about their relationship was so wrong and so dirty that she was to ashamed to tell me about it, thats why she lied for three months.

Ok, thats the long story of it. I feel like a lost, broken, lonely man. The love of my life for 11 years acted in a way that was unimaginable for four months. Now she seems to be back. I have ZERO faith in her, I don't trust that this new her is going to stay forever. I really am hurting, I feel like I lost my best friend. I'm suffering, my kids are suffering and I see no future together. Everywhere I go, I see them together, doing the dirtiest things. Does my wife deserve another chance or is a four month affair worthy of the end of what was a great friendship and love?


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

If that's the whole story, you need to give her the boot quick and view it as an overdue career change. The new her is just as fake as the her you met at the beginning. The real her, you have just experienced. All else was illusion.



> She tries to tell me that everything about their relationship was so wrong and so dirty that she was to ashamed to tell me about it, thats why she lied for three months.


Does not compute. She wouldn't have ever told you squat except that you caught her. She lied because she was enjoying getting her engine tuned by him while you paid the bills, period.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

hurtinny said:


> Ok, this is my story. I don't expect anyone to necessarily comment or care, but I needed to write my story.





hurtinny said:


> Ok, thats the long story of it. I feel like a lost, broken, lonely man. The love of my life for 11 years acted in a way that was unimaginable for four months. Now she seems to be back. I have ZERO faith in her, I don't trust that this new her is going to stay forever. I really am hurting, I feel like I lost my best friend. I'm suffering, my kids are suffering and I see no future together. Everywhere I go, I see them together, doing the dirtiest things. Does my wife deserve another chance or is a four month affair worthy of the end of what was a great friendship and love?


Dude, sorry you are here. You do expect to vent out and are seeking advice.



hurtinny said:


> Sometime about four months after our last child was born a married man she had worked with and always complained about started showing her attention.


Did he complain about him, really?



hurtinny said:


> He told her how pretty and sexy she was. They started sexting and it eventually led to pictures and videos. After a month or so of this flirtatious behavior it started leading to a physical affair. They met in a parking garage a made out, they used their hands on each other and finally broke down and had sex in their office building a few weeks later. They continued to meet after work on their way home at different parking lots to have sex over the course of the next three months. They were all over each other at their work, rubbing each other and ever going as far as using their mouths on each other in their building when they had any free moments without others around.


Did she reveal these things to you?



hurtinny said:


> Over the next three months, after I began talking to the other mans wife, we were able to piece together more and more of the story. They made more then the one video she admitted to that first night, it was more like 30, they had phone sex most mornings after I left for work, they did kiss a few times. Finally about two months after that first night, I found an old facebook conversation where it was clear that they had slept together. I confronted her again, and again she denied it. It wasn't until the other mans wife got him to admit it did she come clean saying she was to embarrased and ashamed to tell me the truth. She told me that they had sex four times over the last month. I was devistated again. Since then, the rest of the story has come out, she actually met him about 20 times for sex and the relationship was about four months long. They had sex mostly in our car and a few times did it in front of my seven month old daughter. It also came out that all the sex they were having was unprotected and the man has herpes. During the time of the affair my wife and I were still having sex ourselves and it was mostly unprotected. I felt betrayed like never before.


Understandable. You both need to get tested for STD.



hurtinny said:


> Anyway, in the past week since everything has been found out, my wife has quit her job so she won't have to see the man anymore. I made her sell her car, she changed her cell phone number and has gotten off facebook. She has been going to therapy on her own the past couple weeks and we have been going to couples therapy together the past month or so. She has been great, trying to recommit to our marriage and being selfless in a way she never had been before, even when times were good. She has been going to church every week with me, something she did in our beginning, but stopped the past few years. She tries to tell me that everything about their relationship was so wrong and so dirty that she was to ashamed to tell me about it, thats why she lied for three months.


Since you loved her and continue to love her (I can see that your trust is gone) you may give her a chance. Back on probation for her. She has started showing it in action. Good lucks.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Having unprotected sex with her lover in front of your 7 month old daughter is reprehensible. She is in damage control and you would be an absolute fool to stay with her. Make sure the both of you get a full panel of STD testing. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? I would have a paternity check on your child just in case. What a great mother. 
It is clear from her actions that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? It also seems apparent that the OM threw your wife under the bus and wants to stay with his wife. Congratulations....you are now the door prize. You need to contact an attorney now.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lascarx said:


> If that's the whole story, you need to give her the boot quick and view it as an overdue career change. The new her is just as fake as the her you met at the beginning. The real her, you have just experienced. All else was illusion.
> 
> 
> 
> Does not compute. She wouldn't have ever told you squat except that you caught her. She lied because she was enjoying getting her engine tuned by him while you paid the bills, period.


Bitter alert. Not everyone is your wife.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Hurt,

It's not wrong to give your wife a second chance, if she is TRULY remorseful. It sounds like from what you've mentioned that she is doing the things a truly remorseful woman would do. She quit her job and sold her car, she's willing to go NC. If she's come clean about the affair (no more trickle truth) and done what you need to do to heal, then you're free to work on reconciliation.

The decision to reconcile is not one-size-fits-all. If you think you can handle it and want to, it's perfectly acceptable. There's also no reason to rush it. You can take it day by day and if there comes a point where you can't deal with it anymore, then there's nothing forcing you to stay. I'd recommend not taking a hard line decision either way for a short period of time.

I can tell you that there are plenty of stories of spouses reconciling and turning it into a much better marriage. My wife and I are one of those examples. Though it's really tough and takes a ton of work, our marriage since d-day has been amazing. We are 100% open and honest with eachother, we fight for our closeness, we resolve conflict now instead of just harboring resentment. We both are 100% committed so we fight hard for our marriage and don't let anything keep us from our intimacy.

I wish that it didn't take something awful for that to happen, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat to get where we are now.

What I would say is that if you are confident in yourself, and you know who you are, and you resolve to treat your wife with love and respect no matter the outcome, you will have peace in either decision you make. Both decisions have pros and cons, and both decisions will have difficulties.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The problem is, she would have never told you. She did not stop when you confronted her (several times). The only way she stopped is when you had so much proof and the OM finally confessed to his wife. You cannot trust any of her actions or anything she says. She would still be in the affair TODAY if you didn't catch her. Remember as guilty as she felt, she never stopped deceiving you. She made videos and even lied to you when you saw them. I'd have to say that she is playing you. She may deserve another chance, but not without true contrition. What she has done, can't be glossed over. It would be different if she confessed of own free will, or if it was a drunken ONS. She used no protection, and then had sex with you, probably giving you herpes. And then sex in front of your 7 year old? You need to get custody of those kids. Her having sex in front of her will virtually guarantee it. Think hard.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I recommend you read all three links in my signature

the newbie link will give you lots of information on the forum and all of the term and abbreviations you will see. It will also include important things to know about affairs.

the doctor link is also important, not only do you need std testing but you are in the most stressful time of your life and it's important to take care of yourself

finally there is a link to my story of reconciliation. There are some similarities to our stories and perhaps you can learn from it


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> The problem is, she would have never told you. She did not stop when you confronted her (several times). The only way she stopped is when you had so much proof and the OM finally confessed to his wife. You cannot trust any of her actions or anything she says. She would still be in the affair TODAY if you didn't catch her. Remember as guilty as she felt, she never stopped deceiving you. She made videos and even lied to you when you saw them. I'd have to say that she is playing you. She may deserve another chance, but not without true contrition. What she has done, can't be glossed over. It would be different if she confessed of own free will, or if it was a drunken ONS. She used no protection, and then had sex with you, probably giving you herpes. And then sex in front of your 7 year old? You need to get custody of those kids. Her having sex in front of her will virtually guarantee it. Think hard.


Very few cheaters admit to affairs without the proof. It's called "the fog". It's normal. It doesn't mean she's not remorseful now. I'm not saying she is or is not remorseful because I don't know her, but you can't say that because she lied while she was IN the affair that she's not remorseful about it AFTER the affair. Much more telling is how she reacts after coming clean. If she's willing to go NC, sells her car, changes her job, offers her phone and computer passwords, etc etc, it's a much better sign than openness about what happened while she was in the midst.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

lascarx said:


> If that's the whole story, you need to give her the boot quick and view it as an overdue career change. The new her is just as fake as the her you met at the beginning. The real her, you have just experienced. All else was illusion.
> 
> 
> 
> Does not compute. She wouldn't have ever told you squat except that you caught her. She lied because she was enjoying getting her engine tuned by him while you paid the bills, period.


Not everyone is like YOU and YOUR wife.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Not everyone is like YOU and YOUR wife.


true but it's not like his opinion is invalid, OP does need to know that divorce is an option and that the things his wife did to him were truly horrible


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> true but it's not like his opinion is invalid, OP does need to know that divorce is an option and that the things his wife did to him were truly horrible


Divorce being an option is much better advice than just saying "Nah, your wife was just a fake from the beginning, go give her the boot because that's what I did!"

I don't know if lascarx's opinion is valid or not but I know for sure that it's very bitter. He in immense pain.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

lascarx said:


> Does not compute. She wouldn't have ever told you squat except that you caught her. She lied because she was enjoying getting her engine tuned by him while you paid the bills, period.


This.

If you hadn't caught her she would be having sex with him RIGHT NOW and you would be none the wiser.

She didn't stop because she wanted to, it was because she got caught. If she could do it again she would in a heartbeat.

She disrespected you so she could go have fun and lied about everything. She has a different set of morals than you and I don't see how you will be able to live with someone like that long term.

You should move toward a D IMO. She will fight to the very end to stop you but that is the price she will have to pay for what she did. She doesn't deserved to be married to you anymore.

ETA: I know I sound bitter myself but in this situation I see her motivation to stay is from fear of being alone and losing her kids. Where was all the love for him when she was sleeping around? I understand when people have exit affairs or stop affairs on the own out of guilt but in this case she did it for the thrill and showed she is capable of lying right to his face. If my W could do that to me I'd leave her, A or not.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I dont think I read the answer to the most important question...

What do you want?

You can never have the marriage that you had, thats gone. Mourn it's death. Your innocence can never be returned to you...

Beyond that, all things are possible. Regardless of the choice you make, you are going to need to take some time and decide what it is you want. 

Whatever your answer is, you have to be "all in", there is no half way. Half way is a guarenteed failure. Both of the choices in front of you will require bravery and strength. above all they will require commitment. 

There is no easy road, or easy choice, there is no right or wrong choice here either. But you are faced with a decision you must commit too. For you, for your wife and above all for your children.

Make your choice, and tell us where you want to go from here.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

COguy said:


> Hurt,
> 
> It's not wrong to give your wife a second chance, if she is TRULY remorseful. It sounds like from what you've mentioned that she is doing the things a truly remorseful woman would do. She quit her job and sold her car, she's willing to go NC. If she's come clean about the affair (no more trickle truth) and done what you need to do to heal, then you're free to work on reconciliation.
> 
> ...


Not everyone is like you and your wife. You would do it all over again? Wow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Me neither. F*** that! I would rather have fWW not cheat the first damn place.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

skip76 said:


> Not everyone is like you and your wife. You would do it all over again? Wow
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THAT! EXACTLY THAT! Taking your marriage and build it into something better, stronger, unbreakable!
But I understand that this isn't going to happen for everyone. You have to want to do this and nobody can blame you for not wanting to.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

skip76 said:


> Not everyone is like you and your wife. You would do it all over again? Wow
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not judgemental about those who don't want to reconcile, only that good can come of it if both parties are willing.

When I say I would do it all over again what I mean is that if I had to choose between my wife not having cheated and the relationship staying as it was, or having her cheat and being where we are now, I would choose the ladder.

I think it sucks about human condition that we don't make efforts to change until we recognize that we could lose something. If I had a time machine I would go back to the man who was just recently married and give him a good shaking, and I'm sure my wife would have done the same to herself. That's part of life though, neither of us can change what we did, everyone has done stupid sh*t. But we're focused and committed now and that is more important to me than our past mistakes, including the cheating.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its too early to make a life/family changing decision and there is no hurry. What you eventually do will be up to you. 
First thing is to get to your doctor, explain to him what has happened. Both o you need to get tested before you have sex with her. You alo needs some meds to help you stay on an even keel and take care of your kids.

You need to look up the effects/statistics of divorce on kids.

Unfortunately, 70% of women (75%of men) admit they would have an affair if they knew they wouldn't get caught.

Another interesting stat is that 80% of the couples that divorce because of infidelity regret that decision and wish they had stayed together and worked it out.

Its obvivous that your kids will be many times better off if you can work it out with your wife. However , only you will be able to figure out if you will be able to reconnect with your wife or even want to. Many people walk away and it is perfectly understandable.

Be strong and good luck.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Not everyone is like YOU and YOUR wife.


No, and unfortunately, from my readings around here and elsewhere, most are even worse than my wife. At least she can still converse like an adult and doesn't start prattling about mystical fogs and hormonal voices ordering her to go cheat. And she didn't offer her crotch up for a biohazard experiment in front of her own little ones. Amazing what sorts of things people are willing to gloss over if they see a bone they don't have the courage to pick.



FourtyPlus said:


> Divorce being an option is much better advice than just saying "Nah, your wife was just a fake from the beginning, go give her the boot because that's what I did!"
> 
> I don't know if lascarx's opinion is valid or not but I know for sure that it's very bitter. He in immense pain.


Everyone alive should pretty well know what the options are. Maybe there are a couple of cavemen still waiting to be dug out of a glacier for whom divorce will be a new concept, but I'm not holding my breath. He wanted opinions about what to do and he got mine.

Anyway, something about me just happens to pluck sour chords on your cello, am I right? Doesn't surprise me, seeing as we look at each other from the opposite sides of the fence. Only thing I can say is that my side is still shiny as the day it was put up, don't know if you've managed to clean yours yet. Sure, I'm in pain because anyone feels pain upon recognition of time wasted. "Immense" would be a broad overstatement though.

My advice is given freely and people can take it or not. You're free to contradict me, it's still a free country. But if you want to take a shot at me, go do it in my thread.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Not taking a shot at you, just stating my opinion as you state yours - free country.
No fence, we are not even in the same zipcode: I know why I cheated, I know what was missing in my marriage for both my husband and me and we both know what we need to do to have something better and stronger than before. 

I can't contradict your opinion. My point was that not every situation is like yours and that divorce is not ALWAYS the best and only option. I see that in your own thread, you are considering taking your wife back. You made my point right there.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Her being cured of being a cheat seems to have happened way way to quickly after the OMW actually brought it all out.

Or should I say after the OM spilled the beans and finally dumped your wife.

This left her without her lover so she is now doing everything she can to play the remorseful good wife.

That's a lie, just as sure as the lies she told you over and over when you confronted her with hard evidence.

All of which was totally damning and each worth kicking her out over. Where was her guilt and remorse then? Well it was too busy continuing to cheat and have sex with the OM.

Think long and hard before you give her another chance, and even if you try to take her back make it very clear the she is going to have to work for years to come to regain even a little trust.

She doesn't deserve any trust or sympathy at this point. She worked you over very good and had no remorse for doing it.

She must be working now - not to be a good wife - but instead to earn the chance to try in the future to make a new marriage with you.

BTW - very good chance that you still don't know all the truth, and very very good chance that unless something really changes she'll do it again with someone else when the dust settles.

Actually since she was so good at lying , perhaps this isn't her first affair, just the first one she got caught at.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Not taking a shot at you,


It was, but I'll let it slide.



> just stating my opinion as you state yours - free country.
> No fence, we are not even in the same zipcode: I know why I cheated, I know what was missing in my marriage for both my husband and me and we both know what we need to do to have something better and stronger than before.
> 
> I can't contradict your opinion. My point was that not every situation is like yours and that divorce is not ALWAYS the best and only option. I see that in your own thread, you are considering taking your wife back. You made my point right there.


Wrong. She's out. No namby-pamby show-me-how-sorry-you-are-and-how-willing-you-are-to-make-my-favorite-pot-roast-in-the-nude. No pillhead counselors jabbering at me about how this new wonder drug will cause us to chill out and forgive and who cares if the side effect is bladder cancer? The divorce clock is ticking.

But I am always willing to listen as long as I don't get shined on with dumb excuses. I am not currently in favor of taking her back but I won't rule out that perhaps she can convince me. That's not being in immense pain, that's just being rational. If one or both of us loses interest in the present, we're done and will move on.

And I still say that the surest method to set the proper stage is to kick them out hard, regardless of what you might decide to do later. Goes for men and women alike.



Shaggy said:


> BTW - very good chance that you still don't know all the truth, and very very good chance that unless something really changes she'll do it again with someone else when the dust settles.


There you are. That's exactly what kicking her out now will help avert, if you ever get back together. Show her you mean business now, and she'll open her eyes if she's inclined to at all. Crawl around lost and broken and wailing for help and you're just setting yourself up for a repeat performance.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lascarx said:


> But I am always willing to listen as long as I don't get shined on with dumb excuses. I am not currently in favor of taking her back but I won't rule out that perhaps she can convince me. That's not being in immense pain, that's just being rational. If one or both of us loses interest in the present, we're done and will move on.
> 
> And I still say that the surest method to set the proper stage is to kick them out hard, regardless of what you might decide to do later. Goes for men and women alike.
> 
> ...


Much of what he is saying above is valid. I dont mean that from a caveman stance, or from a BS' perspective. From a human behavior, and psychology standpoint it makes sense.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

lascarx said:


> It was, but I'll let it slide.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




She'll do it again as long as she doesn't understand why she did it.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> She'll do it again as long as she doesn't understand why she did it.


No law against her going and finding out, last I heard.

She isn't a child, the-dog-ate-my-homework no longer applies.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

my dog once did eat my homework, no lie (well he shredded it)


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## hurtinny (Jan 6, 2012)

Wow, I went to work and never expected so much feedback in so little amount of time. I thank everyone and anyone for your time regardless of the opinions you have given me. There is obviously more then one way to look at something like this, which is why I came to a board like this in the first place.

Anyway, just to clear things up. As soon as I found out about the sexting and videos, I made my wife sever all contact with the other guy. I don't believe that they had sex after that night in October I looked at her phone. Also, she used to take my seven month old baby to work with her and has admitted to having sex in the back of my car while the baby slept next to them. She never had sex in front of any of our older children, not that that makes anything better.

Also, as soon as I began to realize that her story wasn't adding up, I made her get a STD test. Thankfully that test came back negative. The other man has been dealing with this disease for years and evidently they knew enough to only go so far when he was having an outbreak.

As for what I want, I don't know. The pain is still so fresh and intense. Some days over the past couple weeks we have been great together, somedays I can't stand to look at her. She was suffering from post partum, abusing her anti depresant meds, drinking heavily every night. They had an arrangement in which they were supposed to delete all conversations from their phones every night. She stopped doing that and didn't even put a lock or password on her phone. Our therapist thinks she was trying to get caught because she needed to be forceably removed from a situation she couldn't get herself out of. I don't know what I want or what to believe. I never in 12 years had any reasons to think she has cheated. We have five kids, three together. I'm not sure I'm ready to throw all that time and my family aside because of her awful summer. I'm basically just a lost soul without his soulmate, confused and hurt.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

hurtinny said:


> As for what I want, I don't know. The pain is still so fresh and intense. Some days over the past couple weeks we have been great together, somedays I can't stand to look at her. She was suffering from post partum, abusing her anti depresant meds, drinking heavily every night. They had an arrangement in which they were supposed to delete all conversations from their phones every night. She stopped doing that and didn't even put a lock or password on her phone. Our therapist thinks she was trying to get caught because she needed to be forceably removed from a situation she couldn't get herself out of. I don't know what I want or what to believe. I never in 12 years had any reasons to think she has cheated. We have five kids, three together. I'm not sure I'm ready to throw all that time and my family aside because of her awful summer. I'm basically just a lost soul without his soulmate, confused and hurt.


Dude it's a traumatic experience. You have absolute faith in your partner and then in a few weeks you are ultimately betrayed and don't know what to believe anymore. Don't feel rushed to make a decision. Give yourself some time to feel the weight of all the emotions, to see if it's something you want. Resolve to be a better man and father and treat your wife with love and respect no matter what decision you make, that will give you peace no matter what you decide.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Post Partum isn't an excuse, if all things post partum kills your libido.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Her being cured of being a cheat seems to have happened way way to quickly after the OMW actually brought it all out.
> 
> Or should I say after the OM spilled the beans and finally dumped your wife.
> 
> ...


I guess we just think differently on this, but I think that's a horrible way to think. If you go down that route, you're never going to trust anyone after they screw up. You'll always be ending relationships (not just marriages) with anyone who makes mistakes.

I'm not condoning affairs, but they call it a mistake for a reason. No one thinks affairs are GOOD ideas. No one after an affair, even if they end up marrying the AP, thinks that it was a wise decision. People get caught up in them and then start snowballing on the bad decision train. I'm sure if everyone thought long and hard enough they could find something they did this with as well.

POMS shared a great link about addiction, an affair is the same kind of high that you would get from a meth hit. If your spouse was throwing away their life for a hit on the meth pipe, would you give a sh*t why they stopped? Very few addicts have the self-control or rationale to stop MID-ADDICTION. It takes hitting rock bottom or events outside the activity to knock them out of the cycle. Even if they want out, they often don't have the strength to do so on their own, so they do things like try to get caught.

It also robs you of the potential for healing a relationship. Honestly, if I hadn't pushed my wife to confess, who knows what other crazy sh*t she would have gotten into. That doesn't make me sad that she didn't come around on her own time, it makes me happy that she got out of the cycle before it came to that. When your dealing with addiction, that's what you want. You want them out of the cycle as quickly as possible with the least amount of damage.

It's what all the Plan B's and 180's are about. Making it uncomfortable for your partner to be in the affair so they turn around as fast as possible. Who cares if that's because they just wanted to or because the OM booted her?


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

COguy said:


> I guess we just think differently on this, but I think that's a horrible way to think. If you go down that route, you're never going to trust anyone after they screw up. You'll always be ending relationships (not just marriages) with anyone who makes mistakes.


Not necessarily. What you do is not coddle them and poor-iddle-widdle them. You make them stand up like anyone else who can vote and go to adult prison and tell them to go out, face what they've done, get themselves sorted and maybe come back if they've put themselves in order and you both are willing. No excuses, no whitewashing, no taking some ready-baked make-nice explanation from some half-baked shrink whose job it is to create a week's worth of fake harmony for this week's fee. 




> POMS shared a great link about addiction, an affair is the same kind of high that you would get from a meth hit. If your spouse was throwing away their life for a hit on the meth pipe, would you give a sh*t why they stopped? Very few addicts have the self-control or rationale to stop MID-ADDICTION. It takes hitting rock bottom or events outside the activity to knock them out of the cycle. Even if they want out, they often don't have the strength to do so on their own, so they do things like try to get caught.


This is a silly exaggeration. I have gotten a close family member out of a bad dope lifestyle and had to deal with dope people at close quarters in the doing of it. This affair fog claptrap is really just another the-dog-ate-my-homework by comparison, even my soon-to-be ex agrees with that. People heavily into meth cannot walk straight, they twitch and drool and can't tell the difference between dogs and cats. When they need to cop, they can get murderous. Don't tell me that your star-struck adulterer is that strung out. Trying to put butterflies-in-the-tummy in the same league as hard drugs is but C&H pure-cane sugarcoating, nothing else.



> It also robs you of the potential for healing a relationship. Honestly, if I hadn't pushed my wife to confess, who knows what other crazy sh*t she would have gotten into. That doesn't make me sad that she didn't come around on her own time, it makes me happy that she got out of the cycle before it came to that. When your dealing with addiction, that's what you want. You want them out of the cycle as quickly as possible with the least amount of damage.


True. But what we're dealing with here isn't that sort of addiction. Once again, there's heroin and there's caffeine and there's a gulf of difference between them.



hurtinny said:


> I'm not sure I'm ready to throw all that time and my family aside because of her awful summer. I'm basically just a lost soul without his soulmate, confused and hurt.


You aren't throwing your family aside. You're of more use to your family as a whole person on your own than some wreck trying to keep it together with pills and a mutual weekly visit with the always-suspect wife to the head-shrinker. Be a whole person for yourself first. That's what counts. As for all those years, toss them in the trash and forget them - remember, your wife did it readily enough. It'll put you in the right frame of mind to live for today. Time to start anew, no time like the present. 

If and when your wife finally gets her head screwed on straight to your satisfaction, you can always reconsider. But she has absolutely no claim at being a drag on you.



COguy said:


> Who cares if that's because they just wanted to or because the OM booted her?


There's a big difference depending on your belief in the role of free will.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Print this off and make your wife read it:

Read this:

nderstanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! 
__________________
What Are Plan A and Plan B?
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01-01-2012, 02:47 PM


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

I just read your story and first of all I wanted to say how sorry I am no one deserves the pain that you're going through but you've come to the right place for help. When I found out about my STBXW's (Soon to be ex-wife) affair the first thing I did was leave I knew I was in no position to make a clear decision about my future while being around her. Now I'm not saying you should leave your home I'm just saying distance can help you get clarity perhaps asking her to leave for a week or two so you can clear your head wouldn't be a bad thing. It not only creates just compensation (or at least begins to) but it also gives you the opportunity to see what life will be like without her and if you can handle that or not. You need these answers so that you can put 100% effort into recovery or moving on whichever you decide.

From what I read you made a lot of the right moves already now you need to decide what you want to do. Do you want recovery and to be married to this woman or do you want to find a graceful way out of this without hurting your children. There is no wrong way to go here it's your life and no one else's but one piece of advice I think you should here is don't let your guilt over breaking up your children's family keep you from leaving if that's what you want. You can still be a great father even if you're not with their mother the key is to focus on them and make sure they understand that you're leaving their mother and not them.

You have a long and painful road ahead of you and I do not envy you no one would but you made the best decision you could you came here. This site and others like it are an amazing resource to help you cope with what life is thrown at you. Best of luck and once again I'm very sorry.


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