# How to approach possible R



## TexDad034

In other posts I have described that I uncovered my wife's EA and also had a PI uncover she was staying at another mans house while she left my son and me alone for two months. 

The truth is for some strange reason the affair wasn't why I filed for divorce. I had previously drawn a line in the sand. If she threatened to take my son away, I would file. We had our temp hearing and are splitting our son mon-Thursday-Monday. I Know she is still in her fog. However I am willing to do whatever it takes to be happy with her again and to spend every day with my son. 

My question is: since I was the one who filed for divorce, is there a way to hint that I am willing to forgive her and that reconciliation is an option in the future without hurting myself legally. I am currently doing the 180, and tbh I have found myself getting more attention when I go out. Sadly I find no pleasure in that though. I want to be a family man. I want my family back. 
She is convinced that our s19mo will be just fine with us separated. It's heartbreaking to me that I don't get to see her raise our son or that he never will get to experience his parents at their best - which honestly wasn't that long ago. When I get him, I can tell he is different and by the time he goes back to his moms he is "back to normal". Surely this can't be good for him. 

Does anyone have experience in this scenario?


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## EleGirl

Divorce is hard on kids. It's very disruptive for them to have to change houses every few days. 

Is your wife even agreeable to try for recovery? You could tell her that if she's willing to work on fixing the marriage you are open to that. If she's interested she can move back in and the two of you can try again.


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## firebelly1

It's hard to know how to advise you based on the little you've said. Is she still living with the other guy, for instance? I feel for you and others who's spouses have chosen to leave. My husband asked for a divorce last year and the biggest thing to get my head around about it is that I simply cannot control another human being. I think the question we are really asking is "what do I need to say or do to convince this other person to come back?" and in the end, you may not be able to. The most important thing is to be true to yourself and be honest with the other person. 

Having said all that, I'm not sure how you would hurt yourself legally to tell her that you might be open to reconciliation in the future. Have you filed already or not? You can always file for legal separation if you are concerned about custody or anything else but want to leave open the possibility of reconciliation. My H and I did that and I think it actually helped - we're in the tentative process of considering reconciliation now.


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## TexDad034

I have filed and we have had our temp hearing already. She has her own apt but I am not sure where she stays when I have our son.


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## thompkevin

I think you can just straight out tell her that you want to try R. I don't think it's going to hurt you legally at all. I may be wrong so you better consult your lawyer before doing it.


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## TexDad034

Just finished reading no more Mr. nice guy in one sitting. It's incredible that the book related to exactly who I am. I have decided that it's not me who should mention the reconciliation. I will continue to focus on myself and improve my own self-worth and see what life brings me. It's funny because I have already been practicing no contact and I can already see a change in my wife's behavior. For instance she is logging in on our family wizard that shows timestamps. Can see that she last blog on at 9 PM to see if I had written anything. In the last three years of our marriage she made it a habit to go to bed at 8 PM so the fact that she is up at nine is quite surprising. I decided not to fill her in on mine or my sons day unless she asks in which case I will be more than willing to share information. My time with him is mine and his time and she shouldn't have to be updated daily. We will see where this goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thompkevin

TexDad034 said:


> Just finished reading no more Mr. nice guy in one sitting. It's incredible that the book related to exactly who I am. I have decided that it's not me who should mention the reconciliation. I will continue to focus on myself and improve my own self-worth and see what life brings me. It's funny because I have already been practicing no contact and I can already see a change in my wife's behavior. For instance she is logging in on our family wizard that shows timestamps. Can see that she last blog on at 9 PM to see if I had written anything. In the last three years of our marriage she made it a habit to go to bed at 8 PM so the fact that she is up at nine is quite surprising. I decided not to fill her in on mine or my sons day unless she asks in which case I will be more than willing to share information. My time with him is mine and his time and she shouldn't have to be updated daily. We will see where this goes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope it works well for you. All the best!


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## TexDad034

Feeling much better since I have implemented the 180. It's true that you cannot control how other people feel or act. I use my time off working out, swimming, gaming online with buddies, and going out with friends. It's the most bizarre feeling doing what I want when I want. Time seems to move much slower, weekends are truly restful. I just miss my son very dearly, wishing I had him at least eow so I could take him to fun places. 
I cant wait for things to be finalized whichever way they go. I am grateful I have him as long as I do during the week, but I feel like I just cram everything we can do in the few hours after I pick him up from daycare. There hasn't been any real contact with his mom except that she came by last Saturday to pick up some of her belongings. Even though I was hesitant to give her all of our photos - 12 years in the making - it was quite liberating to do so. She asked for 5-6 large frames with multiple pictures of us from our teenage years through the birth of our son. Rather than give her just the frame, I kept all of the photos in there and just gave it all. Even though I know I shouldn't care, I wonder what was going on through her head if and when she was removing all of our old photos. I don't expect her to sit there and reminisce, but surely the thought of her actions and the price we have paid popped up in her head at least once. 
Grateful I get to pick up my son today and keep him through Thursday morning. He always gets so excited when we pull up to the house on Mondays.


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## whitehawk

Yep mine said our d , 11 then , will be just fine too.
Ahh , people get divorced everyday , she'll be right !

l could never believe one of the most overly motherly types you'd ever see , was now saying this, doing this . Mind blowing!

Best of luck with everything .


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## Stretch

Nice shootin' Tex!

Seriously, the divorce is a game-changer and trust me she will be forced to consider and second guess her decisions at each milestone of the divorce process.

That and when my WAW found out that I was seeing someone else woke her ass up to the point she came to me asking for us to try and get back together.

You know it is different for each of us but I'll be damned if the 180 and moving on doesn't make them come to their senses.

Good luck buddy, you stay strong,
Stretch


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## TexDad034

Update since last post. 

Our son's daycare had to be closed for the entire week due to a flu outbreak. I kept him home Tues-Thursday. We were anticipating taking him trick or treating together but chose not to because he was getting a runny nose and a slight fever. Usually the exchange happens at daycare, but she suggested she just pick him up at our house (my house for now technically). When she arrived, she suggested that we dress him up so I could see his costume and take some pictures with him. She left 15 minutes later, and honestly, this whole situation hit me like a ton of bricks again. Since I usually drop the big guy off at daycare, I can handle the emotion. But seeing him drive off with her for the weekend has to be the hardest thing to deal with. I went back to the car after I buckled him in to give him one more kiss before he left, and he was in distress, obviously bawling his eyes out, because his daddy left him, and wasn't coming along. She called me soon after they left (all contact has been through our family wizard up to this point) and said that she would schedule him a Dr. Appt and would keep me updated to attend. The following day she calls, and gives me the time, and I show up. Once we are in the waiting room together, she starts small talk. "How's your mom, how's your sister?" She even started cracking some inside jokes about our cat. Jokes I haven't heard since months before she left. As we were waiting in the room, I was tending to my son, playing with him, reading to him, teaching him to wash his hands, and she was observing. I even caught her checking me out twice - the 180 has paid off in many ways!. I kept my answers short, and didn't reciprocate. 

After the doctor saw our son, I decided to leave and go back to work. I left abruptly, kissing our son, and walked out. As I was walking out, she said "I will call you and let you know if I have any trouble finding any Tamiflu". She called later, saying "Operation Tamiflu was a success!". Mind you, up to this point, her attitude to me was cold, callous, and every other adjective you can think an unfaithful WAW would be. Her messages have become more detailed, longer, and thoughtful, and my responses have remained short and to the point. We will see how this progresses. I think you are right in that every step of the divorce process will hit her in a new light. She even told me to have a good week. Strange...

More updates to come, until then, I will proceed with the divorce.


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## cdbaker

Sounds like things are progressing very well indeed! As you said, you don't know which direction this will end up in, but you'll be better off either way it sounds like.

Just curious, as far as you know, is she still with the other man? I assume she isn't allowing him around your son? Have you heard anything more about her activities since leaving?


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## TexDad034

I have no idea if she is with the other man still. She hasn't even admitted to the affair or to the fact that she was staying with him when she was telling me otherwise. I don't imagine that she would bring him around my son. The court ordered that no one of the opposite sex that isn't related be alone with him and her, and vice versa for me. I do not know what she does on her free time. I had to force myself to stop worrying about that. In fact, that was one of the harder things to do. 

I had the meeting with our court ordered Amicus today. I have been granted holidays on odd number years. The Amicus is asking me to cough up my thanksgiving with him this year so that our son does not have to go two weeks without seeing his mom. The following week she has a business trip and apparently cannot reschedule it. So now they are playing the "he's going to be without her for two weeks'' card all because of this business trip. What sucks is that our son rarely gets to see my mother. She has him on the weekends and me during the week. So now the one opportunity he gets to be with my entire immediate family, they want me to give up? Not sure what to do yet...


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## sammy3

Can you split the day? Or even the weekend? Just this year until it is all sorted?

~sammy


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## TexDad034

I think that is what I am planning on doing. I wish to go out of town to visit my family for Thanksgiving, and perhaps will fly back on Friday so she can have him after. I am fighting for full custody, and so far I believe I am on the right track. I just want to make sure that I do not piss the Amicus off to the point that he picks her side.


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## cdbaker

I think you should consider what you really want. If you want to save the marriage, I'd do what you can to compromise and come to a solution that will make her happy and yourself as well. If you don't want to see the marriage saved, then go ahead and fight for what you think you and your kids deserve. Fighting over little things like this, especially if you hope for them to be only temporary issues, will only harden her to you so realize that these kinds of decisions all direct back to the main question of how you want to see the marriage play out.


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## TexDad034

I agree. I feel like it's all such a delicate balance. Between losing the ground I have made in securing time with our son (if the D is inevitable) and working towards an R. Got a message from her saying out son has a slight cough. She also said that he has an appointment later this week. I tried not to respond and could see she was logging on every other 15 minutes to see if I had. After about an hour she sent another message saying "you are more than welcome to come to the appointment." She knows I already know I have a right to be there. In said "Ok". And she kept logging on every thirty minutes I guess to see if I had said anything else. I am just so curious why the jump in logging on. I wonder if she is with the OM. Hard to decider.


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## TexDad034

Things are still progressing through the divorce process. I made a call to her before a status hearing telling her that we had the choice to stop this divorce in its tracks, and work towards a reconciliation. 
The following day, I was awarded one weekend a month, on top of already having our son Monday-Thursday. As our lawyers were discussing the judgment, I looked at her and thanked her for letting me have him extra time. She started crying, which is something I have not seen since before she left. The tears were either from her realizing what she has done to this family, or merely tears of defeat. 
I am moving on though. I find myself less and less interested in reconciling, and more interested in finalizing this nightmare. Reconciliation is something I would always consider, with obvious caution and requirements. Until then, I will continue to take care of myself and enjoy the time I have with my son. 
Late but, I am grateful I still have significant time with my son, I still have the house, I haven't gone broke yet during the divorce proceedings, and haven't lost my faith, and I still have my health.


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## cdbaker

Very good to hear this. Those tears of hers could have meant many things, and trying to guess will likely just drive you crazy. Just keep doing what you're doing and if she pops up with a change of heart of some kind, then you can address it then. Otherwise, stay focused on you and your son!


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## lenzi

TexDad034 said:


> In other posts I have described that I uncovered my wife's EA and also had a PI uncover she was staying at another mans house while she left my son and me alone for two months.


EA means no sex.

She was living with her affair partner. 

That's a PA = full blown sexual affair.


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## TexDad034

Agreed but they were two separate instances. Just poor wording on my part.


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## TexDad034

So communication is improving greatly. I am taking this improvement with a grain of salt mostly because we are still in divorce proceedings and her desire to increasingly bring up old inside jokes could be her way of softening me up before the D is final. 

Unfortunately, I have to continue to guard myself so that I don't say or do anything that could hurt me throughout this divorce. But...

How far have someone of you gone through divorce proceedings before you give it a go once more? I am still sticking to my guns and will not bring up reconciliation, but leaving it instead to her.


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## manticore

man for what I understand she is living with her AP, until she is willing to leave him any kind of reconcilation is impossible, even if she seem amicable sometimes is probably for the guilt she have for doing what she did, it seems that she is deep in the fog, as you have said, you can't let your guard down.

In this moment the most importnat is your son and your welfare, so don't let her fool you in divorce by promises that maybe later she will easily broke, everything have to be sign in paper (as custody).


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## TexDad034

There's no way of knowing if she is still involved with him or not. We are in the proceedings of divorce already, I am finishing up the discovery. Not fun...

She has yet to admit to anything, say sorry, or any sort of guilt about the whole issue of leaving me alone, lying, leaving our son for 2 months... nothing. 

I am sure if she even wanted to apologize that she would be afraid that I would turn around and use it against her in court, rather than use it to reconcile. That's the unfortunate thing about divorce. You are walking on egg shells.

I did call her once before one of our status hearings and told her we had the power to end or postpone the case so we could try again. She spoke very business-like and short which tells me he was probably there with her. She is, however, not allowed to have him over when our son is with her.


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## TexDad034

Small Update:

Well Christmas time is always hardest. I offered STBX our son on Christmas Eve Day: Pick him up at 7:30AM and drop him off at 6:30PM. 

She comes at 7:30 and I take our son outside to go see her. Shes waiting outside of the car excited to see him, but he runs to the light up Mickey Mouse I put up outside. He totally disregarded she was standing there - after not seeing her for 3 days. I have to explain to him that he's leaving with him mom and his bottom lip curls and he begins to say "no bye bye". She had to physically walk up to him and take him to the car. After about 2 minutes of not being able to strap him in, I come over and grab him. He and I speak a little softly and I mange to calm him down and buckle him in. I say my goodbye to him and close the door. I can hear the blood curdling scream through the car.

She calls me midday and says she would rather drop him off at 4PM so she can get a headstart on her road trip to visit her folks. If it were me, I would keep him to the last second, but that's just me. 

I am waiting in the garage with music blaring (he loves to dance). As they pull up I walk up to the car and hear him screaming for me. I pull him out and he runs to the garage to start dancing and play with his bike. She steps out to say goodbye to him but he won't go to her to say goodbye. I tell him to go to her and he goes reluctantly, comes running back to me and starts dancing with me. My mom comes out and tells her Merry Christmas, and she tells her back. I say nothing...

I can see it in her eyes. Regret, sadness, and a bull**** pride that prevents her from saying sorry, or hey can we talk? She looked at me happy, healthy, looking good, and dancing with our son. She can't step in the garage to participate. she gets in her car and slowly drives off, watching us enjoying ourselves. This is her life now, I am deep in 180 and couldn't be happier. 

Sorry for the long diatribe. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!


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## manticore

how is your social life?, friends, dates, family gatherings.

it may be good for you to date even just to see how you feel with other women, you can join internet date groups and invite women to a nice coffe shop or restaurant, you can be honest about you actual situation about just dating to see how you feel or to have a nice time, many women do the same, so it may be empowering to you trying this.

and in it will obivously accelerate the detchment process


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## TexDad034

I have been going out with friends. Met up with some REALLY old friends in my hometown. They had a friend who apparently was dying to meet me. lol. And she was fully aware of my situation to which I find amazing. I honestly felt like I had baggage that would seem like a turn off, but I found it's not like that at all. In fact, from what I gather, as a man who is an excellent father and takes care of himself and family, it works in my favor.

It was refreshing flexing those muscles again, but I want to make sure I stay focused on my custody battle before truly dating again.


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