# Husband seeing only Negatives



## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Well - the H and I talked (a little) about me moving back home....said he'd think about it. Agrees that our time together (9 year, almost 3 married) is a long time to just give up on - but still says he feels things cannot be fixed, won't go to MC.

I've done a lot of thinking this week about the above. I've committed to doing everything I can to save our marriage.....I cannot help but wonder how it will work if H still is adement it can't be fixed - yet he hasn't filed for a Div. or has stopped talking to me. How do I work through that block of negativity - is it possible??


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> Agrees that our time together (9 year, almost 3 married) is a long time to just give up on - but still says he feels things cannot be fixed, won't go to MC.
> 
> [/QUOTE/]
> 
> ...


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Well if he has given up why does he still talk to me, and hasn't filed for Divorce yet? It takes 6 months for it to be final from filing date....and why entertain the thought of me coming back home?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> but still says he feels things cannot be fixed, won't go to MC.


What things does he think can't be fixed?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Everything I guess...

lack of sex
bickering
lack of communication
keeping house in order

small things ins a grande scheme to me -- but I do get where he is coming from --- it's not too say we didn't have issues - we did\do.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> Well if he has given up why does he still talk to me, and hasn't filed for Divorce yet? It takes 6 months for it to be final from filing date....and why entertain the thought of me coming back home?


That is something you will need to ask him. Only he knows why he feels the way he does.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

@ Jamison - yes I know....I posted on here to try to get some insight as my H isn't very forthcoming with any sort of feelings.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> Everything I guess...
> 
> lack of sex
> bickering
> ...


I'm probably reading too much into it, but he may feel that things like lack of sex are not small things to him. Maybe he doesn't want to divorce you, but is looking for some sort of sign that you've understood his side of things a bit better before buying in, which could explain his lack of initiative as far as filing. 

Just guessing, I could be way off.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

Buy or go to the library and check out the book "His Needs/Her Needs. Read it carefully with an open mind. 3 of the 4 things on your husbands list are in the top five needs of MOST men.

I'm not saying by any means this is ALL your fault, but in reality you cannot change your husband. You can only change yourself as a wife and the WAY you deal/interact with your husband.

Meeting his needs is HUGE. Just as important to him as him meeting your needs is to you. You might suggest he read that section of the book when you are done.

Marriage is a venture where both partners try to "out do" each other in meeting their mates needs.

Good luck.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> Well if he has given up why does he still talk to me, and hasn't filed for Divorce yet? It takes 6 months for it to be final from filing date....and why entertain the thought of me coming back home?


He is probably fearful. Maybe deep down he wants to give it another try but he just has his doubts.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

JustAMan2 said:


> Buy or go to the library and check out the book "His Needs/Her Needs. Read it carefully with an open mind. 3 of the 4 things on your husbands list are in the top five needs of MOST men.
> 
> I'm not saying by any means this is ALL your fault, but in reality you cannot change your husband. You can only change yourself as a wife and the WAY you deal/interact with your husband.
> 
> ...


This I get, and I agree with - however I have issues with being too lazy to work on it. If he's done he needs to be done, and if somewhere deep down he wants to work on things - well then lets work on the is the standpoint I am coming from. I said from the beginning I would not file for him. I do not want a divorce, and I am firm to that. Can I be a better wife, absolutely, no question there. Have I done some crappy things, yup. But when does he step up and work on himself too? I guess this is where I am having a hard time lately and looking for a guys perspective. I am all for admitting my faults and working on things I can do better, but why doesn't he?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> This I get, and I agree with - however I have issues with being too lazy to work on it. If he's done he needs to be done, and if somewhere deep down he wants to work on things - well then lets work on the is the standpoint I am coming from.


Would it surprise you that he may be having these exact same thoughts in his head?

At some point you have to make a choice:

- You decide you are done, so YOU need to file.
- You decide you want to work on things, so YOU overcome the laziness and start working whether he joins you or not.
- You decide you want to keep the status quo, so YOU do nothing.

Instead of looking at it like you have to do all the work, try to think of it like you are the one empowered to greatly affect how this marriage continues, if at all.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> Everything I guess...
> 
> lack of sex
> bickering
> ...


These are not small things to a man and the fact that you think so indicate that you don't really "get it". Housekeeping issues aside there can be no intimacy for a man if there's no sex, you don't communicate well and when you do communicate you are bickering. I'm curious. What do you think is important in a relationship to your man?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> These are not small things to a man and the fact that you think so indicate that you don't really "get it". Housekeeping issues aside there can be no intimacy for a man if there's no sex, you don't communicate well and when you do communicate you are bickering. I'm curious. What do you think is important in a relationship to your man?


What I meant in my post above was that there are none of the following occurances: Arguing, abuse (any kind), addictions or cheating...and when I say lack of sex, I mean on both our parts, we had sex once a week during our dry periods.....he said it wasn't enough, but didn't feel the need to work on what I needed to feel sexual more. Communication, or lack there of falls on both of us, no doubt there. I see now that I should have phrased better, which plays into my learning to communicate better, or more efficiantly


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

JL, you are sweating the small things and missing the big picture. Your h needs respect and emotional intimacy. He still thinks he can get it from you. Make it your priority that he gets this from you in large amounts and your other problems will go away by themselves
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

OK. Sorry I misunderstood. My wife is also unable to communicate her feelings. I've grown tired of it and lost some respect for her. It gets to the point that its just not worth the effort and out of survival you just emtionally move on. I think somehow you have to make it worth it if you really want him back. Right now he's saying it's not worth it.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

10 YR - I agree - that is one of my issues is that I DO sweat the small stuff. I though find it hard to give and give and give and feel like he is "owed". This is where my struggle comes in. 

So Eginerd - I didn't mean to come off as abrasive, it's a struggle and frustrating that he doesn't see that he has work to do also. You mentioned in an earlier post that without sex there isn't intamacy for men -- well it's just the opposite for me....so how does one work around that?

Now this all being said - I love my H with all of my heart, I cannot imagine my life without him, and the past few years have absolutely been rocky but I don't feel like we are irrepairable DEEP DOWN - and I don't think he's given up either (by how often he emails\texts\meets up + no divorce papers). 

Surfacely though he is so fixated on "things will never change...it's too late" - I don't know how to penetrate that b\c to me if he keeps thinking that way me moving back in is a waste.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> 10 YR - I agree - that is one of my issues is that I DO sweat the small stuff. I though find it hard to give and give and give and feel like he is "owed". This is where my struggle comes in.
> 
> So Eginerd - I didn't mean to come off as abrasive, it's a struggle and frustrating that he doesn't see that he has work to do also. You mentioned in an earlier post that without sex there isn't intamacy for men -- well it's just the opposite for me....so how does one work around that?
> 
> ...


Your story is interesting to me. In some ways similar. My W walked away this weekend, she is the one that is so negative about us and the relationship. The glass is almost empty in her eyes. I see it mostly full. She like you resisted my basic need of touch and intamacy. At the same time as I tried to learn her needs, she walked away. Bizarre.

I think if you H and my W learned to be more positive, things would get better. In her case I believe she is dealing with a midlife thing which has her in a negative funk. I was the easy target. CBW.

Meet his needs would be my advice. You may see a dramatic change.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Perhaps he recognises your laziness and unwillingness to try to meet his needs and therefore knows that without you actually making an effort that the marriage will never be all that it could be.

A lot of times you will find that men are RE-active to how they are treated in a relationship on an emotional level, and the fact that he is feeling so un-loved by your lack of meeting his most important emotional needs(that he has apparently communicated quite clearly to you) Men are generally not as emotionally aware as women are and therefore if he isn't feeling the love in a big way, he will withdraw the good bits that you want to feel(compliments, touches, respect etc) 

So if you find he has slipped away owing to you not filling him up, it is you who has to do the work to bring him back. Unless there are more issues than you have mentioned, I can almost guarantee that if you filled his needs completely, you would have a man begging to spend the rest of his life with you and be overflowing your needs, as long as he knows exactly what they are.

Bear in mind, that this is not a one month project for happiness, it is a concerted effort for the rest of your marriage. Laziness can no longer be an excuse if you really want it to work.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> Everything I guess...
> 
> lack of sex
> bickering
> ...


Well, I can tell you that the fact that you think these are small things is probibly his biggest problem. My wife displays 3 of 4 and thinks they are no big deal and if it continues that way it will be a divorce for us.
Lets try this. How about he does these 3 things and tells you its not a big deal.

lack of cuddling
quits his job
doesn't say ILY

Then acts as if this is no big deal.
I bet you would go around and ***** about how unloving and unappreciative he is. Think about it.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i think it has been said but it sounds like he is still talking with you because he is desperatly hoping to hear something from you that your committed to fixing the issues. it doesnt relieve him from doing the same thing for you either.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> Perhaps he recognises your laziness and unwillingness to try to meet his needs and therefore knows that without you actually making an effort that the marriage will never be all that it could be.
> 
> A lot of times you will find that men are RE-active to how they are treated in a relationship on an emotional level, and the fact that he is feeling so un-loved by your lack of meeting his most important emotional needs(that he has apparently communicated quite clearly to you) Men are generally not as emotionally aware as women are and therefore if he isn't feeling the love in a big way, he will withdraw the good bits that you want to feel(compliments, touches, respect etc)
> 
> ...


I find this reply quite interesting - it is very difficult for me to draw a line between whole heartedly wanting to work on things, and the willingness to do so, and being a door mat, accepting all blame for the situation. When do men buck up and say - well maybe if I met my W's needs, she'd meet mine? Now this isn't to say I am not partially at fault for my marriage implosion - I've accepted my faults, and have been working on them. My H however has been of the mind set "it's too late" (yet won't file for divorce), "things won't change" (no, they won't unless you TRY)....I trying to figure out how to curb this --- obviously I have to SHOW him things, my issue is that is he is so negative and continues that way, my efforts will be useless. I am happy to try everything in my power, but at somepoint he has to as well --- so guys, how does this occur.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> Well, I can tell you that the fact that you think these are small things is probibly his biggest problem. My wife displays 3 of 4 and thinks they are no big deal and if it continues that way it will be a divorce for us.
> Lets try this. How about he does these 3 things and tells you its not a big deal.
> 
> lack of cuddling
> ...


You just described our marriage w\i the last year - we were both working agaist each other, opposed to with each other. I expereinced all those things from him, which is why I lost interest in sex to begin with coupled with my lack of self love (body image dept).


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i think it has been said but it sounds like he is still talking with you because he is desperatly hoping to hear something from you that your committed to fixing the issues. it doesnt relieve him from doing the same thing for you either.


I am happy, MORE than happy to do this - I just have yet to find the action or words that make his lightbulb go on, thus my struggle and frustration. 

My H makes me happy, our marriage makes me happy - I look at things right now as speed bumps - they are very much fixable in my eyes. My H seems to not be so sure - which is hard for me to understand, if he's done, shouldn't he be done? 

Anyway - thanks for listening!


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> You just described our marriage w\i the last year - we were both working agaist each other, opposed to with each other. I expereinced all those things from him, which is why I lost interest in sex to begin with coupled with my lack of self love (body image dept).



If this is the case, one person needs to step up first. Seeing as you are the one here, it needs to be you. I would say the same thing to him if he where the one posting.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

I am ready willing and able as they say ---  I guess I got of topic slightly. Should I get the all clear to move back it, I am looking for ways to show my H it's ok to let go of all the negativity....do I smother him with affection? Do I give him space? I don't want to put my needs completely by the wayside, b\c I think that will lead us back down the same path -- but I am of the understanding that it will be hard for H to be the lving husband right "out of the box".....any tips on handling this?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I have a couple of questions before i awnser this.
Is he in the home or are you in the home? 
Are you a stay at home mom/wife?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> I have a couple of questions before i awnser this.
> Is he in the home or are you in the home?
> Are you a stay at home mom/wife?


He is currently at our home; I have been staying at my mom's

We both work full time, and have no children.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> I find this reply quite interesting - it is very difficult for me to draw a line between whole heartedly wanting to work on things, and the willingness to do so, and being a door mat, accepting all blame for the situation.


Just wanted to post and say that assessing blame is the worst thing you can here. It's just going to make things more negative.

Your marriage is in trouble, and neither party is taking the bull by the horns to fix it. If it stays this way, it will die. One of you needs to step up and we are all cheering you on hoping it will be you.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Acorn said:


> Just wanted to post and say that assessing blame is the worst thing you can here. It's just going to make things more negative.
> 
> Your marriage is in trouble, and neither party is taking the bull by the horns to fix it. If it stays this way, it will die. One of you needs to step up and we are all cheering you on hoping it will be you.


I am trying Acorn -- I am having difficulties seeing how to accomplish this......I know it's not all his fault, but I know it's not mine either. How does one take the bull by the horns and work on repairing without making themselves a doormat, thus loosing respect of their spouse. It's all seeming like a fine like, and has become my most recent struggle.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Well, love is all about making yourself vulnerable.

If you throw yourself into it and your husband thinks, "LOL, she's such a doormat", he's not the guy you want anyway.

Throw yourself into it, say, "Look, I'm out here all alone and I feel vulnerable and foolish, but I love you, so here I am. Please come join me." If he loves you and wants to be with you, he will eventually join you.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Acorn said:


> Well, love is all about making yourself vulnerable.
> 
> If you throw yourself into it and your husband thinks, "LOL, she's such a doormat", he's not the guy you want anyway.
> 
> Throw yourself into it, say, "Look, I'm out here all alone and I feel vulnerable and foolish, but I love you, so here I am. Please come join me." If he loves you and wants to be with you, he will eventually join you.


And this is why I love this site!! It's all about gaining different perspectives  

UPHILL -- I'm curious as to why you asked those two questions earlier.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> I find this reply quite interesting - it is very difficult for me to draw a line between whole heartedly wanting to work on things, and the willingness to do so, and being a door mat, accepting all blame for the situation. When do men buck up and say - well maybe if I met my W's needs, she'd meet mine? Now this isn't to say I am not partially at fault for my marriage implosion - I've accepted my faults, and have been working on them. My H however has been of the mind set "it's too late" (yet won't file for divorce), "things won't change" (no, they won't unless you TRY)....I trying to figure out how to curb this --- obviously I have to SHOW him things, my issue is that is he is so negative and continues that way, my efforts will be useless. I am happy to try everything in my power, but at somepoint he has to as well --- so guys, how does this occur.


There are two possible things you can do and there are only two possible outcomes, so if you put it into a matrix it will work something like this. Any combination of the two can happen, with a total of four possible combinations.

1)Make the effort and get his love and desire back.
2)Make the effort and you lose him.
3)Make no effort and get his love and desire back.
4)Make no effort and you lose him.

1 and 3 are the outcomes you want, 3 has a lower chance of success, let's give it an 80/20 split (in reality it is more likely closer to 95/5)
2 and 4 are not what you want, this time 4 has the higher probability, 20/80 (again it is closer to 5/95)

So which one are you going to put your chips on? 2 and 4 are out, so that leave 1 and 3, better odds and returns on 1 I would say, but there are no each way bets here, it is all or nothing.

Place your bet if you will.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

JennaLynne;
UPHILL -- I'm curious as to why you asked those two questions earlier.[/QUOTE said:


> Well, because it would make it much easier to show him your willingness to do things around the house if you lived there. Without you staying there it becomes a bit harder. When you talked about keeping the house in order I wasn't sure if it ment you just sat around all day or not.
> To show that you don't wish to bicker and that you are willing to communicate you can show this through your current communications. For the other 2 issues they would require actions.
> If you are willing to put yourself out there for him I would try this. Tell him you are comming over for a few because you would like to talk to him. Show up in a trench coat with the sexiest lingerie you can find underneath (by now you have to know what would be his dream outfit). Sit him down on a chair, play some music, throw off the coat and do a nice dance for him and go from there. Do stuff with him that either you would not often do or maybe something you where not willing to do before, pull out all the stops. Blow his friggen mind.
> When you are done with this, don't attach any strings to it but just ask if he would like you to stay so we can do this latter or in the morning, don't push if he says no.
> ...


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Well - right now it seems as though he has completely withdrawn back into his video games (a huge arguement issue for us) - understand that I am not exaggerating when I say that he plays for days, took days off work, misses appts.

Again - I am all for trying, I have come to understand how to prioritize things -- to not sweat the small stuff if you will - or at lease but an honest effort into it.

The sex thing - well we have been here and there, and it goes well -- we haven't had issues in that dept regarding openess and creativity - it was just a frequency struggle. This was due to my bout with depression, and not feeling wanted by him. 

I am just at a loss of how the cycle breaks if what I am understanding that Men make Women feel wanted when they are fulfilled, but women need to feel fulfilled to want to have sex. 

As it stands today - I saw him last on Monday - he came for dinner at my mom's, as he helped them fix some electroic issues (they adore him btw) - he seemed comfortable, the 4 of us ate and chatted. And now it has become a struggle to even get ahold of him.....the peaks and valleys are wearing me out.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> Well - right now it seems as though he has completely withdrawn back into his video games (a huge arguement issue for us) - understand that I am not exaggerating when I say that he plays for days, took days off work, misses appts.


I can't remember if this was covered but he sounds extremely depressed as well. 

If he is depressed, he will not be able to do much in the way of relationship work until it is treated or otherwise dealt with. Could that be why he is simply taking no action - because he can't?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I can't remember if this was covered but he sounds extremely depressed as well.
> 
> If he is depressed, he will not be able to do much in the way of relationship work until it is treated or otherwise dealt with. Could that be why he is simply taking no action - because he can't?


Oh this is another issue -- last march he had a panic attack - has been on the geneeric zoloft since for anxiety.....he has NEVER been evalutated by a psychiatrist - his general practicioner write the scripts - so he could be over\under on the dosage and\or misdiagnosed. He feels his pills are "magic" cure to him not having to deal with things.


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## usarmy89 (Jul 27, 2011)

I apologize to randomly jump in this conversation. I'm coming out of left field on this one, but this is very fixable. I mean all of this. Me personally my wife and I have been struggling and thought of divorcing each other. Though I do not want to I went out to seek help. Boy did I get help. I have learned men and women speak and think in different languages. Like intimacy, words of affrimation, quality time, and so on. You have to know your husbands language start off small and work your way up. For example, I am a very busy person, I am in afghanistan right now in the military so I rarely hear from my wife. I am a person of affrimation. I like being told that I am being missed by my wife or that she loves me. That I am doing a good job. It makes me motivated and wanting me to do more for her and for myself. That is what triggers me. She uses words of affrimation to understand me. For her I thought it would work for her, but it doesent she gets annoyed by all the mushy gushy, lovey dovey sayings. Shes a person of quality time. She just wants to sit down have a nice one on one conversation about her day or how school is. I give her my undivided attention no music in the background or anything because that shows I am dedicated to what she has to say. Shows respect and that I am very interested in what she has to say. I learned all of this in a book call the 5 love languages. It really works and I highly suggest you both read it, but not just read it practice it and live it. You will really be surprised on how helpful it is. Think of it like a project for just you two to complete. Work as a team and conquer this dispute. As long as your motivated and hes willing to do it, you cant go wrong.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> Oh this is another issue -- last march he had a panic attack - has been on the geneeric zoloft since for anxiety.....he has NEVER been evalutated by a psychiatrist - his general practicioner write the scripts - so he could be over\under on the dosage and\or misdiagnosed. He feels his pills are "magic" cure to him not having to deal with things.


I am hopeful that someone with more experience with depression and medication will join in, but this does not sound normal to me. If he is taking the medication and is unable to function as you describe (missing appointments, work, etc.), the medication is not working as intended. The medication is supposed to help eliminate those things.

It would not surprise me if a correct diagnosis/medication reversed in a big way to his lack of trying.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

He feels he is fine - that he is "normal" and it's anyone's guess --- it could be him not caring it could be the meds - it could be both.

It's hard bc I know only he can choose to help himself if it's some sort of phsychological issue. 

Right now I can't even get a hold of him at all......feel like all those steps forward, and back to square one. Most of my (own) support system calls me crazy that I am fighting for nothing....that clearly he doesn't want things to work.....but the dinners, and talking, and (yes) sex all seem to say otherwise -- bc it is never just sex - we chat he kisses, we hug.....he smiles when we talk about stuff.

I just don't get it.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Well things went weird again....when I finally got a hold of H (for bill, and financial stuff mind you) - he was "anamatronic" again - doesn't care about anything, monotone, and cold. 

I am really at a loss of what to do here. I feel like I am damned if I do and Damned if I don't. If I keep trying I'm that desperate girl who's never going to get what I am looking for (so it seems), and if I decide that I'm done, I know I'll have regrets wondering....what if he woke up one day. History with him shows he won't reach out to me (assuming he'll realize he is loosing something great).

Every person he talks to he says something different...EX - he tells his dad he is going to work on things....he tells his mom he doesn't care one way or the other what happens....he tells MY mom he's going to talk to me and figure out what's going on...and me, well I get a different vibe each time I talk to him. I sent him a text last night (he owes my family $ for his car, and he told my mom he'd talk to me) - so what started out to be an "I don't want to get involved" text turned into the following:

My mom said I was to talk to you about the car payment. I am not getting involved, I cannot. I am not sure what you want me to do. You don't seem to want to be bothered by reality it seems these days. I am not living at home, yet paying bills, I miss the furballs, I miss you. I know I haven't always been the greatest wife, but I know I wasn't so awful that it warrants not be missed or thought of by you at all. I am trying so hard and being pulled in different directions. I wish that you'd snap out of your fog and start fighting for your life. You only get one and I am standing here screaming that YOURE WORTH IT. You just need to believe it.

And his response --- was that "I just told her I'd talk to you and try to work something out I know $ is tight. So you don't have to be involved."

Another 100% avoidance of the issues. I just don't get this. If he's done and hates me that much, be done - why keep pulling me in. EX - he talks in "we's" - We need to do this, We should get your car fixed....yet in the same breath says that he doesn't see where I am coming from.


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