# I asked for financial help and he told me he would tell the world I'm mental abusing



## sarast99 (Nov 16, 2017)

I asked my fiancé for some financial help yesterday. He told me all the reasons he couldn’t. Yelled at me for most of the day about how I should make better financial decisions.

(the problem is I overspent my own money on his birthday and other things for HIM) and I asked for help paying my rent this month and I would pay it back within 30 days.
He intially said he could put it on his credit card. (I don’t have one except one for 300.00)

AND -- I got called in to one of my clients 2 weeks ago and told that I was not getting the pay I normally do. The company is about to go bankrupt. COMPLETE SHOCK

After him telling me over and over that I was bad — he stressed that he “told me so” and was very happy to tell me he will continue to say “told you so!” and that I was a complete “disaster” i started to cry and I said forget it. I don’t want a dime.

He said “stop being a victim” You are playing games. I said No …i’m not. I just feel very hurt that I asked for help. I’m sorry. I can’t help but cry. He said you love to play games and cry, poor you poor you.

So this morning he woke up and said …well how about I loan you the money and can you pay me back?

I said yeah but what about all day yesterday where you told me no over and over and how I was crazy. He said just move on. I’m asking. I said I think so…. I have a bonus coming in January. And I only have 3 more months left on that lease and will be moving with you.

But after yesterday I told him I thought you just wanted me to tell them I couldn’t pay it…and deal with it. He said “well, if you can pay it back?” 

I just didn’t say anymore. 

So about an hour later he said, okay so we need to figure out the movers. When do we need to get everything out before they lock the door for non payment.

I said, well I thought you said I might be able to pay you back after all?

He threw down the broom he was sweeping with and screamed at me and said that I am INSANE and that he can’t take this anymore. That I am just a huge problem in his life and all I do is hold him back. And if he told his family that I was asking for help - they would say he was CRAZY…since he isn’t in a great position either.

He kept up. He was screaming and yelling and told me that I am nothing but an anchor to his life. He can’t move forward. That I just am holding him back and I just LOVE to fight and I am seriously crazy.

I started to cry. He said NO — you are NOT moving here — you are going to keep your apartment because I can’t deal with this anymore. He said You are CRAZY.

He said he was going to tell the whole world that I ‘abuse him and use him and I am insane. That I play games that are messing with his head and he is going to go crazy’

I started sobbing. I said I don’t want a dime from you! Nevermind. I”m so sorry I asked. But you offered again this morning…I simply asked! Take ownership for offering this morning! He said he was SICK TO HIS STOMACH with how disgusted he is with me and my fighting. 

He said that I just want to sink him. 

I said FINE. I don’t want a DIME! NOT A DIME!

Then he said “no no you are taking the money. You HAVE to. But he said he wanted to go to a lawyer and have it drawn up that I would pay the 2000 dollars back in 2 months.”

I said I have been helping you — I’ve paid out at least 20k in the last 10 months for dates and things for you…and you haven’t bought me anything in the last 6 months except a bday gift and bday dinner. And that was 6 MONTHS ago!

He said that I’m crazy. That he won’t let me lose the apartment and that he will FORCE me to take the money.

I said YOU are NOW —twisting everything. I am SO confused! I am so sorry I ever asked you for help. I can’t understand why you spent ALL day telling me I was crazy yesterday and said NO to giving me help. Then today you wake up and say maybe you will…. and then when I start to entertain the idea you say you will TELL THE WORLD I’M ABUSING YOU?! 

I went into the bathroom and sobbed. And when I came out about 10 minutes later he said he was sorry. That he loves me with the bottom of his heart. But I need to be clear and he’s up to his eyebrows sick of my problems. 

(I don’t have financial problems — EVER!) I haven’t ever asked for ANYTHING. I have been paying FOR HIM! 

He said that he is just tired. But that he wants to help me. And he loves me and he can’t wait to marry me.

What should I do here. I am so sad. Very sad. He apologized…but he said a lot of horrible things there. I am just shaken up.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Why is your rent 2000? Do you live in New York City?

You should have savings if you can pay that much in rent. Stop buying him things. And personally it doesn't sound like the kind of guy you should marry.

Return any Christmas gifts you can talk to you landlord and make a partial payment. Use your bonus to clear up the debt and dump the ahole.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Yep, what she said.

Just a couple things first off your fiance sounds like he isn't marriage material, secondly he is right. you do need help getting your finances in order. If you overspent on a gift for a birthday to the tune of leaving you 2K short for rent you need to get a hold of your spending habits and start reworking your priorities.

A birthday present for a fiance is a nice dinner and a card, maybe a little intimate time later in the evening. Spending to the point of having to borrow 2k for rent is absurd and reflects some serious financial mismanagement issues.

It sounds like you both have reason to rethink this marriage.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Sara

Your fiancé is at the very least verbally abusive.

Probably just the tip of the iceberg. Spend some time going back in your mind about previous conversations. If someone resorts to calling YOU crazy - run away as fast as you can.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

These are the sorts of problems couples have after they've been married a while, like 10 years. When they realize they're not compatible and they're in the midst of filing for divorce.

You're having these problems now, and you aren't even married yet.

Good luck


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## sarast99 (Nov 16, 2017)

I think it is important to say -- I got a salary reduction this month and it was completely unexpected.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

sarast99 said:


> I think it is important to say -- I got a salary reduction this month and it was completely unexpected.


Would your fiancé loan money to one of his bro's? 

This is not about the money.

You are being verbally and emotionally abused by someone who claims to love and honor you.

Make excuses for him all day long- YOU are the one who is going to pay the ultimate price.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

This is your third thread about this guy in about as many weeks. Taken together, they paint a picture that's pretty damn dysfunctional.

You've been told several times to break it off, and I guess you don't like that advice, but it begs the questions of just what you want from this site.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You both have serious problems that need therapy. 

It's obvious that you're not compatible with each other. Move ON from this guy.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

sarast99 said:


> I said I have been helping you — I’ve paid out at least 20k in the last 10 months for dates and things for you…


Wow! How did you end up spending $2k/month on stuff for him?

Unfortunately, you have to deal with two big problems right now:

1. Money management. It does sound like it would be better if you saved more and spent less. But that doesn't justify his reaction.

2. His reaction. There are lots of red flags here. Typically, this kind of behavior gets worse over time, not better. Many of us have been married decades. Please take the relationship advice even if you don't like hearing it.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sarast99 said:


> What should I do here. I am so sad. Very sad. He apologized…but he said a lot of horrible things there. I am just shaken up.


This is what he's like as a fiance and you should be glad that you found out now. You should want more for yourself than his crap. As far as finances go,your priorities are out of whack. Shelter,food,bills,necessities and savings first in my book. When you say that you spend money on his birthday that leaves you short on your rent($2000!!) then in my opinion,you are living beyond your means. Do you think that maybe you're paying to be in his good graces?


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## sarast99 (Nov 16, 2017)

Yes. I do. I recently told him i can’t pay for our dinners out anymore. He pulled out his credit card and said well i will get this. But don’t be surprised when I’m bankrupt soon. 

I have paid all of our food and entertainment for 11 months. He did the math and said ok. My half. I guess you have paid 24k this year for me. But where is the rest of your money?! 

I said omg. You have the nerve to say that? You know I’ve been paying for everything and that’s your response. 

I have been guilted into paying. And i have felt like a failure now that i can’t.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I can't believe that you have been paying for all of your mutual food and entertainment. Seriously? I'm not sure why, before now, you didn't think that there is something wrong with that? I am sure that is part of the reason why you are having financial problems. 

Oh and did he write you a check for $12000 for his half. I think not. He is a user. 

Sounds like your STBH is one of those that thinks what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours...but mostly mine.

He is telling you who he is. You had best believe him. 

My suggestion is to move on. This won't get better with marriage.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

sarast99 said:


> Yes. I do. I recently told him i can’t pay for our dinners out anymore. He pulled out his credit card and said well i will get this. But don’t be surprised when I’m bankrupt soon.
> 
> I have paid all of our food and entertainment for 11 months. He did the math and said ok. My half. I guess you have paid 24k this year for me. But where is the rest of your money?!
> 
> ...


What do you like about this guy?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sarast99 said:


> I have been guilted into paying. And i have felt like a failure now that i can’t.


Why? It' not your responsibility. He hasn't paid and doesn't consider himself a failure,though he has failed you in the relationship department. There is a saying here that people will treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Maybe it's time you stopped allowing this and have a higher regard for yourself.


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## sarast99 (Nov 16, 2017)

Actually 24k is HIS half. I have paid for trips. Food. And whatever else i could help with. 

He has had money problems so i have tried to help.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would be making him an ex fiance


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## sarast99 (Nov 16, 2017)

It's hard. He is so kind today now and offering to go to the bank with me and help me get whatever I need. I just don't understand why I had to go through a day and half of hell -- being told no no no. and now, he gets it and realizes it will destroy my credit? I told him I could be sued if I default on this lease. All day yesterday he told me NO NO NO. That's insane. I wouldn't.

Now ...today...he says maybe I didn't know all the details? I am here to help. After telling me i'm cfrazy for a day? And now offering to go to the bank to help me?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

sarast99 said:


> Actually 24k is HIS half. I have paid for trips. Food. And whatever else i could help with.
> 
> He has had money problems so i have tried to help.


 Frankly, you spent way too much money and on fun and now can't pay your rent. If you had a savings for emergencies (suggested savings is 6 months living expenses) this wouldn't be a problem. So, yes, he's absolutely right. You do need to get your finances under control. What would you do if you couldn't borrow from someone? Be homeless?

Other than that, this relationship seems like a hot mess from what you've posted here and I have no idea why either of you continue with it.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

sarast99 said:


> It's hard. He is so kind today now and offering to go to the bank with me and help me get whatever I need. I just don't understand why I had to go through a day and half of hell -- being told no no no. and now, he gets it and realizes it will destroy my credit? I told him I could be sued if I default on this lease. All day yesterday he told me NO NO NO. That's insane. I wouldn't.
> 
> Now ...today...he says maybe I didn't know all the details? I am here to help. After telling me i'm cfrazy for a day? And now offering to go to the bank to help me?


He seems rather moody.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

sarast99 said:


> It's hard. He is so kind today now and offering to go to the bank with me and help me get whatever I need. I just don't understand why I had to go through a day and half of hell -- being told no no no. and now, he gets it and realizes it will destroy my credit? I told him I could be sued if I default on this lease. All day yesterday he told me NO NO NO. That's insane. I wouldn't.
> 
> Now ...today...he says maybe I didn't know all the details? I am here to help. After telling me i'm cfrazy for a day? And now offering to go to the bank to help me?


Have you ever had a friend who had been domestically abused? This is a very common pattern. I'm not saying your fiance is physically abusive, but this is the same pattern. In domestic abuse, they strike out and then are super sweet and apologetic. Then some time goes by and the pattern repeats. This seems very much the same.

You may not be ready to make any big decisions right now, but make sure your eyes are open and really see what is going on. Stop making excuses for his behavior. Don't keep saying it will go away or that you just need to try harder. You need to realize that if the pattern keeps repeating, you need to get out. 

Many of us with more relationship experience think you should get out now. But if you decide to stay, commit to yourself that you will get out if he doesn't turn it around.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Sara: This is what your marriage is going to be like. For the rest of your life. Is that really what you want?

Please don't make the same mistakes I have, by marrying an abusive person and trying to make it work when nothing you can possibly do will make them happy.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

From what you have said your fiance sounds emotionally unstable. Going to the solicitors to draw up an agreement to pay him back - that sounds calculative especially if this is a person he has decided on marrying. I believe once married, there shouldn’t be any separation of finances. Would he expect you to pay your one way and keep your assets separate once you have tied the knot? Have you discussed what you would do with assets/ finances once married? This story has a lot of red flags for me.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Also his yelling at you and then telling you he loves you. It sounds exhausting to ride this rollercoaster of emotions with him. Is he like this majority of the time? Or only when it comes to money? It sounds like he has an unhealthy codependency when it comes to money. What was his upbringing like when it comes to finances?


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

When people join together, they really need to share the same values. This includes financial values. I would never marry somebody who couldn't live within their means, just as I would never join with anybody who was verbally abusive. 

It sounds like the two of you are a poor match. Do not move in together, do not marry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@sarast99, what industry do you work in? Any more clients you can find?

And your fiance is in need of serious help. He is abusive and that needs to stop or you need to find a replacement.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

pragmaticGoddess said:


> From what you have said your fiance sounds emotionally unstable. Going to the solicitors to draw up an agreement to pay him back - that sounds calculative especially if this is a person he has decided on marrying. I believe once married, there shouldn’t be any separation of finances. Would he expect you to pay your one way and keep your assets separate once you have tied the knot? Have you discussed what you would do with assets/ finances once married? This story has a lot of red flags for me.


You are right, too many red flags here. 

These two are ill suited.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have no idea why you are with this abusive man. It will be worse when you move in. 
Also rent money must come before anything else. Spending £2000 a month on going out etc is madness. 

IF you want to live in an abusive relationship then stay. I would run a mile. He is clearly emotionally unstable. Not husband or father material. Far too unstable and unkind.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Maybe just maybe a budget would help. 24k this year eating out and going on trips seems like a pretty lofty lifestyle.

Could you change some behaviors. Like maybe only eating out once in awhile as a treat instead of every night.

I guess I'm just a poor boy and don't get the extravagant spending.


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## Mommame2 (Oct 8, 2017)

Many usernames, several forums. This is the guy that threatened to call the FBI on you?

You've been with this guy for what, two or three years now? 

How many times do you have to be told you're a toxic couple? I can't dump all the blame on him, because you've had a consistory horrible picture of your future drawn for you, but you stay.

I think you must love the drama. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Personally, if I were you, I would head for the hills. Run from him; no one deserves to be treated like that by anyone, let alone someone who supposedly loves them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Weirdo folks.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

He dosen’t sound like the kind of man I would want my daughter to marry


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I only read the OP's original post............Too much back and forth bickering, too much back and forth playing the victim, too much immaturity, too much drama. 

You two are trying to force a relationship where there's nothing positive to build on. Why do you want to continue living in misery?


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