# How do I talk to a man?!



## Beepbeep (Aug 14, 2015)

So. A little history. Met my now husband at 18. He was 21. We had a great relationship but I was greedy and wanted more attention. Some days I got none and I was very needy. I broke up with him, he was DEVASTATED. We got back together and he realized I wasn't completely into it and broke up with me. We were still seeing each other a lot and having sex. He wouldn't tell me if he wanted to be with me. Every question I asked him had an "I don't know" answer. I got pregnant. He massively tried to pressure me into abortion. I don't believe in abortion, loved him, and always wanted kids. He stuck with me bc it was the right thing to do. Proposed a few days before we had her and we got married when she was 1.5. He has been unemotional ever since but better. Our daughter is now two and he is a good dad to her. I'm 22 and he's now 26. He used to compliment me a little and hold my hand often, tell me sweet thins, was never mean. Now he barely smiles. We act like brother and sister. We go through periods of having great sex with a little happiness. To him being all depressed and distant. He says he isn't depressed and doesn't have many signs. He has interests and can talk about things a lot. 
I tell him exactly the things I need from him and he doesn't do them. I could be crying in bed next to him and he'd go to sleep. I don't know what to do. He says he isn't good at talking about things. Help please! Sorry for ranting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard.

It sounds like he's not very available, closed off. And you are sort of chasing him.

The best thing you could do right now is to work on yourself. I now it sounds counter intuitive. But working on yourself will make you happier and it will make you more attractive to him.

There is a book that I think will help you quit a bit. "Divorce Busting". when you read it, pay special attention to the chapter on changing your environment. It talks about how one person in a relationship can change, can it will change the entire relationship. Part of it is doing a 180 that is customized for you... the 180 means to do exactly the opposite of what your spouse would expect you to do.

You can talk to him until you are blue in the face. It's not going to motivate him to change and meet your needs.. not where his head is at right now.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

talk to him on his level.

Obviously, being emotional and "Crying next to him" does not motivate him to comfort you. 
Sit down, across from him. Look him in the eye and tell him you feel you two need to talk. Non-emotional.

Find out what drives him to stay in the marriage. Is he completely unhappy and is only staying due to his kid? Is he willing to find common ground activities to do as a family? What about as a couple, and having a babysitter? (Have you even done that much? or even at all?)

Ask him what things you are doing/ habits you have, that are most irritating to him? If he could change 3 things about you.... etc. Have a list of 3 things ready that you would like to see improved in him (ONLY in case he asks).... Don't pull out the list, because that will seem accusatory of his behaviors. Don't start with the list of things.. .actually don't even bring them up, unless he asks for them.


BUt I also agree with EleGirl. You need to start focusing on yourself. Do things for yourself that might be out of your "norm" or out of your "comfort zone", but that are beneficial to you. (IE, don't just start going slumming at the bars, because it is opposite of your personality or start gambling.. etc).. 
If you can't find anything positive to focus yourself on doing, then go & find some volunteering activities that you can bring your daughter along.


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## Beepbeep (Aug 14, 2015)

Thank you for the feedback. I ordered the book and it should be here tomorrow. I googled the 180 and have started implementing those things. The thing about my husband is he doesn't really care when I don't talk much. I went to the gym tonight and he couldn't have cared less. I think he sensed what I was doing because he started to talk a lot about nothing but making it obvious to not mention us or anything nice about me. He made extra effort to say he would miss our daughter..usually he would mention me too. I feel like he's doing it to make me mad. I don't know. 
He will never tell me things that I do that irritate him. He keeps telling me he's scared of what this could do to our daughter (via text of course, only way he can really talk to me) but doesn't seem to care about not being married to me. I don't know if I can keep up the 180. I'm such a wreck and he's doing it better than I am already!


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## Beepbeep (Aug 14, 2015)

Also, we go out and have alone time all the time....just kinda sit there and talk about whatever. Also, he sent me a text with a link to an article about how he might have alexithymia (where you are incapable of feeling emotion at all). I think this is a major excuse because he used to be an emotional person. Don't know what to think of that. Either he's depressed or he just really isn't in love with me as a person anymore.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Are you sure he loved you and wasn;t in it for the sex?
Men can do that sometimes.


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