# Stuck between a rock and a hard place



## safrican (Nov 10, 2010)

I could have posted this in a number of the threads on this forum (Hope it’s in the right one).

I’m going to start by giving some background information…

We are both 30 years old and have been married for 5 years. We have two daughters, aged 1 and 3. Since about June this year we started having problems in our marriage. Our sex life changed from an exiting 2-3 times per week to a boring impersonal maybe once per month. I contributed this to the fact that my wife was under pressure as she started her own private school for high school pupils with ADD and ADHD.

I started noticing that she would leave the room when receiving phone calls or sms’s…something she never did before. She would also go out for visits to some of the schools parents and stay out longer than expected. When confronted on where she was or who was phoning she would always have a valid excuse and gave me an earful of why don’t I trust her.

About a month ago I received a shocking phonecall from one of the learner’s mother. She accused my wife of having an affair with her 18 year old son. She came to me because my wife ignored her threats. She produced flirty sms’s and photos of my wife wearing see-through underwear which she got of her son’s phone.

When I confronted my wife with this she denied it. After showing her the photos she simply insisted that it was not her. After proving that it was her she shut off and went to our bedroom. About an hour later, when I cooled down sufficiently, I wanted to continue the confrontation. I discovered her unconscious… she had taken an overdose of sleeping pills. (I am not sure if it was a cry for attention or a genuine suicide attempt as she only took about 6 tablets. On consultation with a Doctor (family member) I monitored her pulse rate every 10min, and let her sleep it off.)

The next morning I convinced her to see a Psychiatrist on recommendation of the Doctor. She was committed to a mental hospital and diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. She was hospitalised for 21days.

After discharge from the hospital she apologised for the transgression and promised that it didn’t go further than the photographs (the psychiatrist is of the opinion that she was just craving attention and that the photographs were probably sufficient for this). She was forced to give away her school as the parents threatened to lay criminal charges against her. She also promised that it would never happen again.

Two weeks later the same learner’s mother contacted me again and accused her of contact between her and the learner. She denied this, and was in quite a state for a couple of days. I told her that I would give her the benefit of the doubt as no proof was given other than the learner’s word.

Since she’s been back from hospital she is on anti-depressants and not herself. Usually she was happy and outgoing, but now she is sad and anxious. Simple tasks like going shopping or taking the kids to day care is too much for her. She just stays home and does nothing.

I have read numerous articles and posts on anxiety and depression and I assume that this is normal.

I am struggling to support her through her illness as I don’t receive any affection from her side even though I’m trying to show love and affection. (This could be due to the condition or something much more disturbing)

Yesterday I found out that she was visiting another 18 year old learner. I confronted her with this and explained that it is very hard for me to trust her if she does this. She insists that I’m paranoid, and that they are just friends… I told her to stop seeing or taking phone calls from any of the learners, from the school she use to own, or I would divorce her. She promised and stressed that I’m being unreasonable to expect her to cope without her friends (18 year old male friends!!!).



Am I being unreasonable in threatening her with divorce in her condition (even though that is not what I want)?

How do I get my marriage, and sex life – this is important to me back on track?

Any other insights or advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## want2bme.com (Nov 29, 2010)

I am sorry. It sounds like your wife is very sick and has a few things she needs to deal with. Even after she receives the counseling she may need, you will always feel that "something" isn't right...remember, you are only responsible for your happiness- you need to do what is right for you, and maybe in doing so you will help her as well. You can not be an enabler-(trust me I know). This will be a hard decision for you to make, but it may be in everyone's best interest to move on. Two people who live in a destructive environment can only expect to be destructive to each other. If you love her, move on. If you love yourself, move on. It will suck at first, but have faith in each other that you can both get through this- might I suggest counseling for you as well?


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