# If I do become "good enough", will I want to?



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Have seen MUCH better days financially with my job/career.

I dont look close to a Men's Health cover model, but Im not THAT hard on the eyes I hope.

My wife can go weeks with apparently no interest in sex.

I of course want the best for my wife and love her very much. 

Is it that wrong for there to be part of me that thinks, when the job/finances are turned around, and when/if I can myself into rock hard shape, that if she wants/desires me now and wants to make love/have sex/screw whatever, "screw you".

Like I said I want the best for my wife, and want to look the best for my wife. But if Im not exactly raking in the cash, and if Im not exactly a Men's Health cover model, am I not worth some love and desire?

I guess Im doing a bad job of asking is it normal for thinking when I am "better", too bad and up yours for not wanting me as I was.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think confidence is an aphrodesiac - so there could be some validity to what you are saying. 

Depends what your wife's reasons for the sexual decline are. 

I hope things improve for you soon!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Middle of Everything said:


> Have seen MUCH better days financially with my job/career.
> 
> I dont look close to a Men's Health cover model, but Im not THAT hard on the eyes I hope.
> 
> ...


What have you done to find out why she's not so interested in sex?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Middle of Everything said:


> Have seen MUCH better days financially with my job/career.
> 
> I dont look close to a Men's Health cover model, but Im not THAT hard on the eyes I hope.
> 
> ...





That is exactly how I feel when men here say they are no longer attracted to their wives because they have gained some weight yet they claim to love them dearly. To me if you love someone...you love them with a little more weight... less money...whatever it may be...if you truly love someone it shouldnt matter. The physical body will contiinue to change as we age and if thats enough to break you what did you really have to begin with. Basically, i am saying i dont think your wrong and i would feel the same way if that is your wifes issue.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What have you done to find out why she's not so interested in sex?


We've talked some. Some is the stress of the financial/job situation. Which without getting into to much detail, will change in a year or two, but before that is what it is.

So while I understand that, a byproduct of it is a feeling of "you dont make enough, so I dont want to have sex with you". While not entirely fair, at times I cant help but feel this way.

The physical part is more a feeling. Wife isnt exactly great with compliments. While I tell her ALL the time how sexy she is, it feels forced when she remembers to compliment me. One of those feeling over time type things.

To add to it she is still on birth control, which as Ive learned here can tank a womans drive big time.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

inarut said:


> [/B]
> 
> 
> That is exactly how I feel when men here say they are no longer attracted to their wives because they have gained some weight yet they claim to love them dearly. To me if you love someone...you love them with a little more weight... less money...whatever it may be...if you truly love someone it shouldnt matter. The physical body will contiinue to change as we age and if thats enough to break you what did you really have to begin with. Basically, i am saying i dont think your wrong and i would feel the same way if that is your wifes issue.


Agreed.

Gaining 100+ lbs is one thing but at times the attitude that you need to be some cut workout warrior is a troubling one to me. 

When some want the super sexy cut guy/girl, I think at times we should be careful what we wish for. Karma can be a b!tch and turnabout is fair play.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Finances, job, tired, don't feel good, might be getting period, yeast infection, boobs are sore, got to get up early....

The best sex of my marriage was when we were working minimum wage jobs, in a tiny apartment, and had virtually nothing to our names.

People will do something if they want to do it. If they never do it (whatever it is) it means they just don't want to do it.

And to answer your question, getting all buff will absolutely not help with your wife, but wait until you see what it does for you at the grocery store, mall, church, etc.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I read an interesting article the other day about how many women lose interest in sex after marriage due to a lack of feeling desired by their husbands. And I don't mean sex. Women like to feel sexy, longed for and sought after. They like guys to drool over them, praise them, chase them. Just saying...


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I read an interesting article the other day about how many women lose interest in sex after marriage due to a lack of feeling desired by their husbands. And I don't mean sex. Women like to feel sexy, longed for and sought after. They like guys to drool over them, praise them, chase them. Just saying...


This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. My wife would describe those things as "hounding", "smothering", "one-tracked mind", "perverted", etc.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> We've talked some. Some is the stress of the financial/job situation. Which without getting into to much detail, will change in a year or two, but before that is what it is.
> 
> So while I understand that, a byproduct of it is a feeling of "you dont make enough, so I dont want to have sex with you". While not entirely fair, at times I cant help but feel this way.
> 
> ...



It may have nothing to do with your situation, but my wife and I had HUGE problems when I unexpectedly lost my job....

It was just prior to 9/11, so the economy tanked, and finding a job became almost impossible...

I hustled for 4 years with contract design work, before I hit the bigtime, and landed a dream job designing miniature subs.....

Not bringing in the bacon really kills a wife's respect. 

When I see a SAHD on CWI, I know the poor sucker can write the marriage off......

Women respect power, and money is power.....

Now that I am retired, there is a new dynamic....

We are living on what I earned, but I am not earning, so the perception of being the bread winner is again gone....

I think that's where walmart gets it's door greeters...Guys trying to regain the wife's respect...

cold fact

the woodchuck


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> It may have nothing to do with your situation, but my wife and I had HUGE problems when I unexpectedly lost my job....
> 
> It was just prior to 9/11, so the economy tanked, and finding a job became almost impossible...
> 
> ...


Again agreed.

Only problem is not having the money and thus likely little respect doesnt help me not think "when I do, you can shove any sexual thoughts up your a$$."

Maybe thats why so many on here advocate that MAP crap or whatever it is. Too much time wasted thinking "if Im not good enough for you, screw you when I am." Maybe I've been to quick to dismiss the MAP or whatever you call it.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> Is it that wrong for there to be part of me that thinks, when the job/finances are turned around, and when/if I can myself into rock hard shape, that if she wants/desires me now and wants to make love/have sex/screw whatever, "screw you".


 It is better to be the person who doesn't settle for bad treatment.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I read an interesting article the other day about how many women lose interest in sex after marriage due to a lack of feeling desired by their husbands. And I don't mean sex. Women like to feel sexy, longed for and sought after. They like guys to drool over them, praise them, chase them. Just saying...





jay1365 said:


> This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. My wife would describe those things as "hounding", "smothering", "one-tracked mind", "perverted", etc.


To men in sexless marriages: Don't dismiss the info tracyishere reported too quickly!

My experience last night makes me wonder if the part about a "lack of feeling desired" is the core of my wife and I's issues (short recap: most of last 13-years has been 4-6 times a YEAR; this YEAR 2-3 times so far; wife won't even kiss me now).

Last night, I came to believe she does not feel loved by me or that she is attractive to me. I'll go to my grave thinking she has had so many many many reasons to have believed otherwise. Yet, I am starting to believe this is the current root of our problem.

Maybe "feeling desired" doesn't quite capture it. But, she doesn't feel what she needs to feel from me, in order to want to be intimate to me. I get what you mean jay about how she would describe "those things" as "hounding", "smothering", "one-tracked mind", and "perverted". My wife would describe certain things like that too -- at this point -- though in the past she enjoyed it all as much as I did (I think). That is the really really confusing part. But, fwiw, the notion that her openness to sex is blocked because she does not truly feel loved/valued/desired-because-SHE-is-desirable-and-not-just-because-I-am-horny-and-she-is-the-only-one-available -- well, that's starting to gain some traction in my mind.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I read an interesting article the other day about how many women lose interest in sex after marriage due to a lack of feeling desired by their husbands. And I don't mean sex. Women like to feel sexy, longed for and sought after. They like guys to drool over them, praise them, chase them. Just saying...


Can you provide a link/reference to that article? Thanks.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I guess as a man or woman, ok, so you do all that and now "you are good enough", many times you may not want them anymore, because it looks petty to you. They should've liked you when you weren't at your best.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> To men in sexless marriages: Don't dismiss the info tracyishere reported too quickly!
> 
> My experience last night makes me wonder if the part about a "lack of feeling desired" is the core of my wife and I's issues (short recap: most of last 13-years has been 4-6 times a YEAR; this YEAR 2-3 times so far; wife won't even kiss me now).
> 
> ...


I think you are over thinking this. Judge the situation by her actions and stop trying to read her mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> I think you are over thinking this. Judge the situation by her actions and stop trying to read her mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Where did you get that I am trying to read her mind?


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