# Wife acting weird..really weird



## Diesel_Bomber

I announced to my wife during a disagreement that I was done with the marriage last weekend. I was out of town with my son for the holiday. When I came home, she's highly passive aggressive and will either shred notes I've written to her or pictures around the house. Not much to my surprise she had taken all the pictures of us down. Again, she's the definition of passive aggressive and also one of the reasons why I can't handle her childish behavior. She has repeatedly deleted and blocked me on facebook, when finally I put my foot down and told her I would not be friending her again. Did I mention she also throws temper tantrums? She's done things like gotten into my truck and took the garter I had hanging up in my rearview mirror and threw it in the garbage, threw away ultrasound pics of the baby before she miscarried, all kinds of crazy stuff.

When I got back to the house from being out of town, she came in the kitchen to ask my how my weekend was. While I was getting ready to go to work, she was also getting ready to walk out the door, gave me a kiss on the cheek and said I love you. I looked at her and said "you are acting really really strange..." No response. I had also made myself a bed on the couch before I left for work. When I came home, she had put it all away. I was too tired to reassemble my makeshift bed so I got into bed with her. She put her arm around me. Again I asked her, "what are you doing?" Her reply was "going back to sleep"

I'm no stranger to love bombing and "hoovering" in order to get one sucked back into the crazy making. But this makes absolutely no sense. My intuition says that there's something not right at all with this behavior and not to trust it.

Any suggestions about what the heck she's up to? My first divorce was like any other.....we became enemies and it was war. This makes absolutely ZERO sense.

Thanks


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## norajane

How long has it been since her miscarriage? Did she seek any counseling after that happened? Did you two go together?

She could be depressed about the miscarriage if she never dealt with her emotions properly and that's impacting everything having to do with your relationship.

Also, whose garter was it on your truck? If it wasn't hers, then yeah, I'd get rid of it, too.


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## cdbaker

Yeah you leave a lot of questions unanswered here. I mean, you came in with one focused question, but the "setup" leaves a lot of questions that might impact your question. Lol.

Sounds like she is struggling to deal with what you told her. She might not be sure how serious you are, and maybe thinks she can pull you back to prevent the divorce. Maybe she struggles with expressing herself but hopes the signs she's been exhibiting will help. (The positive ones, like packing up your make shift bed, the kiss goodbye, cuddling up in bed at night, etc.) The crazier ones like ripping up photos and getting into your truck might have happened when she was in a moment of anger/hurt/frustration.

So as for the setup questions... what has led you to decide that you want a second divorce? What kind of problems have you both faced, and what kind of efforts have you put forward to try to avoid divorce? How old are both of you and how long have you been together and married? Do you both have kids together yet? It sounds like the miscarriage was at least one stressful event you both went through, are there others?

This kind of info could be helpful as far as helping to dissect other ways to look at the situation, aside from your own I mean.


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## Diesel_Bomber

The disagreement stemmed over $5. Yes that's right. She demanded that I repay her $5. This in turned angered me, severely. I have spent countless hours fixing her car, helped her out financially time and time again, she's gotten in trouble with the credit card companies to the point they were looking to sue her and I got that squared away, she pays zero towards the mortgage and utilities....so to hassle me about $5 was an outrage to me. 

We argue a lot about stupid things, which brings out the nasty passive aggressive behavior in her. It absolutely drives me insane. 

We don't have any children together. I also have resentment over her getting pregnant since I feel it was without my consent. She had just "forgotten" to take her pill for a month. Before this all happened I had told her that when and if we decide to have kids, it should be a mutual decision. I am still working on my debt from the first marriage and its the only responsible thing to do.

My first ex was crazy, and I see a lot her behaviors in the new wife. I'm old enough to have the wisdom of knowing what the future holds, craziness, pain, and lots of anger. I have done everything to biting my tongue til it bleeds to avoid a fight, gone to counseling myself, and also marriage counseling. I sort of conditioned myself to avoid fights because she also goes into victim mode and there's never a solution, and when there seldom is a solution, its not long and she doesn't abide by what we agreed to. The reason why she deleted me on facebook is because she likes to air dirty laundry in public and that's not the place for it. Here I remain completely anonymous.

I am 32 and she is 23. We have been married for about 10 months. I thought she had her $hit together for a 23 year old but I had to give some guidance on that. It wasn't long before the "I do's" were said that the mask came off. She became more manipulative, passive aggressive, and ruthless. Its completely exhausting. My counselor has directed me towards questions of "is she adding to your life or making it worse? and if she doesn't want to work towards compromising to make things better, why put in the effort yourself?"

The tension and hostility in the house has been incredibly stressful over the past 8 months. She is a bit on the drama queen side so everything is always stressful to her. 

Think I covered all the questions.....and no it wasn't somebody else's garter, it was hers .

Thanks.


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## Entropy3000

> I announced to my wife during a disagreement that I was done with the marriage last weekend.


I find this absolutely abusively crazy. How could what she does in response to this be ... weird?

You have had two crazy acting wives. So two possibilities you should start considering and I am not joking. They are not the crazy ones OR .... you keep marrying crazy women. In either case the good news is you can do something about this.

Do not be so quick to get married again.


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## norajane

Most 23 year olds are still growing and developing their brains, and learning about themselves, their place in the world, what they want out of life, how to handle a job, money, responsibility, how to fight fair, and how to treat others. I know I sure was at that age.

I'm sorry that you married a child, but that's what you've got. She's got a lot to learn about being an adult. I have no idea whether you are capable of being patient while she learns.


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## Entropy3000

Other thread :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/69584-new-here-needing-advice.html


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## Diesel_Bomber

Thank you all for your replies.

Yes the link that you posted was an original one. I decided to make peace with my previous grievances for the better of the marriage but my God, a person can only take so much.

I agree that 23 year olds can be very immature. I did a lot of stupid things at 23 but holy crap this takes the cake. I do however agree whole heartedly about your statement. Humans develop being a productive member of society by being reckless and experiencing pain by losses. This destructiveness causes reflection on one's self and change ensues, normally.

Entropy, were you referring to my statement of being done as abusive or referring to something else? Just confused is all....

I honestly don't think I have some mental baggage. Just out of curiousity I had myself evaluated by a psychiatrist a while ago and he found nothing significant as far as my mental health goes. I have had the same bunch of friends for many years and I am who I am around them too. 

I've gotten my butt reamed for using an afghan to sleep with because it helps me sleep when its hot out, for using my old glasses to weed wack with so I didn't get rock chips in my new ones, and a few others that escape me at the moment that were a bit um crazy to be confrontational about.......


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## Fleur de Cactus

A 23 year old woman is not a child anymore to forget to take birth control for a month? you can forget one or 2 days but not 30 days!! she should know what is wrong and right.

But Diesel, what do you expect when you go to bed with her and she put her arm around you! You tells her it is over, she burns and shreds notes and pics!! and so on ... just like kids!

There is something I dont get, someone said that you may have issues yourself. while i dont agree with the statement, usually people who attract , lovers with similar issues one after another , it is because there something in you they are looking for. Where did you meet her? y do you keep giving her second chance? maybe you have some weakness they can detect the fist time and you become their prey . Next time do not get married so soon.


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## Diesel_Bomber

Fleur de Cactus said:


> A 23 year old woman is not a child anymore to forget to take birth control for a month? you can forget one or 2 days but not 30 days!! she should know what is wrong and right.
> 
> But Diesel, what do you expect when you go to bed with her and she put her arm around you! You tells her it is over, she burns and shreds notes and pics!! and so on ... just like kids!
> 
> There is something I dont get, someone said that you may have issues yourself. while i dont agree with the statement, usually people who attract , lovers with similar issues one after another , it is because there something in you they are looking for. Where did you meet her? y do you keep giving her second chance? maybe you have some weakness they can detect the fist time and you become their prey . Next time do not get married so soon.


I was pretty well exhausted from working all night so I all I wanted to do was sleep. I have a king size bed so its easy to keep space between us. I'm in the habit of not even talking to her or touching her because I never know if I'm going to get Mrs. Hyde or Mrs. Jeckyll. I put my ear phones in and find something boring on Netflix to watch. Could I be giving mixed signals? I could see that sure. I would of thought me asking what exactly she was doing when she touched me would of put a halt to that.

I couldn't argue that I don't have some minor issues. I would say that my self esteem sucks and that I'm lacking with self respect. 

I was attracted to her initially because she was the "damsel in distress type." I was her wonderful knight in shining armor. I believe too that I have some co dependency issues as well but not nearly as bad as my first wife. I also classified my second wife when we were dating as clingy and extremely needy. My gut along with my friends and family told me to run like hell. 

I honestly don't know why I keep giving her chance after chance. And no, to forget a month straight to take the pill is b.s. I believe that she did this tactic to get pregnant with her baby daddy in order to keep him around. Oops....forgot we were taking antibiotics which everybody knows cancels out the pill....but oops I'm pregnant...when are we getting married so you can be my whipping boy?


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## Fleur de Cactus

Sorry man, i think you have been trying hard and it is harder now. I understand that you have low self esteem. and sorry that you feel that way, IC should help you. Probably you are too nice too, and people take advantage on your kindness. B careful next time, stay away from clingy and needed people, those who become attached so quickly.


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## Uptown

Diesel_Bomber said:


> My intuition says that there's something not right at all with this behavior and not to trust it.


DB, I agree you cannot trust her. Please be very careful. If she has strong traits of BPD and NPD, as we discussed last April, things are going to turn very ugly during the D. I can only hope she hasn't recently taken out a large life insurance policy on you. 

With my BPDer exW, I managed to get out alive but she did have me arrested on a bogus charge of "brutalizing her" and thrown into jail for 3 days -- giving her time to obtain a R/O barring me from returning to my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get a D in this state). I therefore suggest you read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._


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## BlueCalcite

Uptown said:


> I therefore suggest you read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._


Get that book, read it twice, then find an attorney who is experienced with the tactics of NP- or BP-disordered individuals.


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## Diesel_Bomber

Thank you all for taking the time out to respond. And thanks for the kind words Cactus....all I ever ask from anybody was honesty.

I don't think there will be much to fight over in the divorce, we have no shared property and no kids. We leave with what we came in with.

Good suggestion on the book though, you can never have enough resources when it comes to NPD/BPD individuals living under your roof. Its like having a domestic high conflict thief in your house.

I've had a couple really close friends tell me before that maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being in love, although I think of myself as being moderately independent...

Thanks again.


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## Uptown

Diesel_Bomber said:


> I don't think there will be much to fight over in the divorce, we have no shared property and no kids.


That doesn't mean that the D won't be brutal and nasty. As you already know so well, your W creates mean arguments out of thin air -- over _nothing at all_, e.g., your sleeping with an Afghan and your weed whacking while wearing an old pair of glasses. 

If she has strong BPD or NPD traits, she may escalate that nastiness to a level far higher than what you've ever seen. Having no shared property or kids does not mean she won't have you arrested on a bogus charge so she can obtain a R/O barring you from returning to the house. That's what my BPDer exW did to me. So please be careful and carry a VAR in your shirt pocket when she is having a temper tantrum.


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## Gaia

Fleur de Cactus said:


> A 23 year old woman is not a child anymore to forget to take birth control for a month? you can forget one or 2 days but not 30 days!! she should know what is wrong and right.
> .


I just have to address this. Some people have memory problems and do indeed forget such things for even longer periods of time. It's not always about knowing right from wrong in these situations. Mental health and the condition of ones brain does come into play.


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