# Am I wrong for wanting to leave my depressed husband?



## triplelove (Sep 15, 2016)

We are highschool sweethearts, recently got married and I feel like his depression is really pushing me away. He has always had depression, it has always been very serious. He's had multiple hospital visits as suicide attempts, he seems to get better right after he starts treatment but the moment he starts feeling sad again he stops all treatment. Right now we are in a no therapy or medication phase and it is awful. He swears he doesn't have anyone in his corner to help support him through this time.
I'm a stay at home mom to our triplets and that alone is physically/mentally draining. The moment he comes home all the energy i had left is also sucked out of me because he is so dark and sad. I love him so much. I try everyday to talk to him, ask him about his day, anything to make him feel a bit better. It doesn't work. He's so cold. he's so distant. I can ask him a simple question and sometimes he doesn't even respond because it seems like he can't even find the words. it's just so hard. I feel alone. I'm walking on eggshells with him all the time I don't have anyone to ask me how I am. He couldn' t handle hearing me having a bad day he's so down himself.
Sometimes I just get so upset I want to leave. I cry every day im so overwhelmed. Then I feel bad for feeling that way when my love is trying every day just to get out of bed.
He won't get help. Its really ruining our marriage. I don't know what to do.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You owe it to him to help him get treatment. But, if he refuses or decides to stop his treatment, then any consequences are on him.

No, it is not wrong to leave if he stops all treatment. In fact, you owe it to yourself and your kids to have a good life. 

I have lived with a depressed wife who is taking meds and doing therapy. But at times I had to pressure her to do that. Some might say that is controlling, but I owed her my best efforts to help her.

First thing for you to do is figure out financially what needs to be done for you to be free of him. It does not mean you leave him (yet). You just need to know your options.


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## triplelove (Sep 15, 2016)

I dont want to want to leave him. He's always concerned about being too much emotionally and is afraid of me leaving because of it. Another reason I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. 
I do a lot tk try to help. Ill schedule appointments for him and hell give me hundreds of reasons why I need to reschedule but eventuLly ill just fold and stop even trying to.
I want to work things out its just so much, hes been dealing with this for so long. I''m worn out


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

Tell him if he doesn't seek treatment and continue it as long as necessary then you'll divorce him.

But you gotta mean it.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

If your husband wont help himself, then there is nothing you can do to help him. Please don't let his depression destroy you and your kids. You can be an enabler and I have seen this with a friend, his wife drained him dry with her depression and she would do nothing to help herself, but let me tell you it has damaged their kids and her husband's health has failed because of all the stress. I myself went through post partum depression so I know what it feels like, but I wanted to do what ever it took to make myself better for my husband and my kids. 

If he was an alcoholic that wouldn't go to his AA meetings or still had the occasional drink here or there would you stay? Stay strong and do what's best for you and your kids.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@triplelove[email protected] is right. You need to help him get treatment, but if he refuses and you've done everything that you can, you need to do what is best for you and your children. And that might be leaving. It's not healthy for you to live with this, and it's not healthy for your kids to grow up in this. You're not wrong for wanting to leave. He's making you miserable.

He might be depressed, but he's also a grown-up. With responsibilities. He owes it to himself, to you, and to your kids to get treatment. You may want to talk to a mental health professional and ask for their advice on how to get him into treatment.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Maybe you need professional guidance on this subject.

The only thing I can add to the discussion is that I like to find advice from the best trusted MD I can get info from, take their essential tips, and start with executing one of them to make a new habit.

Almost always that one thing brings about change in my life, and with it comes a lot of other things that work in the right direction. An important source are TEDx Video and Youtube video from these persons. In there they often have to compress the best of their knowledge in a short amount of time, and you can hear what they really think is important.

Good luck.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

triplelove said:


> I dont want to want to leave him. He's always concerned about being too much emotionally and is afraid of me leaving because of it. Another reason I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do.
> I do a lot tk try to help. Ill schedule appointments for him and hell give me hundreds of reasons why I need to reschedule but eventuLly ill just fold and stop even trying to.
> I want to work things out its just so much, hes been dealing with this for so long. I''m worn out


You are codependent, like me. Read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie


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## triplelove (Sep 15, 2016)

thank you so much guys. im going to take all of your advice into consideration. you are right if he was an alcoholic and not going to aa meetings i would react differently.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

triplelove said:


> thank you so much guys. im going to take all of your advice into consideration. you are right if he was an alcoholic and not going to aa meetings i would react differently.


Now you're getting it. Good luck. *hugs*


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I've been with my H for 26 years & he's always suffered from depression. It's usually the self deprecating kind but very occasionally it's directed at me (usually when he's found another woman to make him happy!) that's recent bitterness talking...

Anyway, have you tried getting him to do something physical with you & your family? That really helps. Another 'trick' I've tried is researching all of the natural remedies for depression & focusing on the right foods when cooking. Supplements also help.

Like you we've spent our whole adult lives together. If I could turn back time I would of made very different choices for myself. All I can advise is....If he emotionally cheats to 'self-medicate' finish it then & there!!! I'm very sick (chronic pain, cancer etc) & after a lifetime of supporting his depression I'm destroyed by his inability to be there for me when I needed him the most. Depression is such a selfish illness. Don't let him drag you down with him! If I neglected my health & became sicker whose responsibility would that be?


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