# I'm back to being single again, is it hard finding marriage-minded men at age 35+?



## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

After dating my bf for nearly a year, we just broke up today. In the beginning he knew very well I was dating to get married and have kids. He misled me with false dates for a marriage proposal and then our wedding. If you promised something and don't do it that's still lying to me.

On Friday he arranged a meeting with me to his Aikido academy to talk about our future goals and where our relationship is going after nearly a year. He told me we would speak about it after participating doing some Aikido exercises with him and his friend. Initially I really thought it was a positive conversation but it wasn't. He mentioned about how sex appeal is important in a woman, my eating habits, started comparing me to thin women on the TV and stated when a woman gains weight then the attraction decreases. I was interpreting this as ''oh so I've gained a bit of weight and you're losing attraction towards me''. This was followed other reasons due as his financial situation and how our relationship is a process, how there needs to be some evaluation and more excuses. When I asked for a date, he took a couple seconds to then say 2024. That's 12 whole months, too much. So basically the whole 2023 is going to be spend on the dating stage still, on nothing. 

He knew from the start this was a specific relationship where we couldn't take too much time. After a year, what is there to evaluate. We're no longer in the ''getting to know each other, the start of dating'' stage by then. I'm not overweight though. I'm 5'7 and 140ish Ibs. 

Well today, I came with a comeback. In an elaborated and sophisticated way (without hurling insults), I pointed the truth that he's financially unstable, seems full of excuses and doesn't keep his promise when telling me a date. Plus he made me go to the marriage muncipal office to find information on wedding cost, all that for nothing. Needless to say he didn't like being compared to my 20 year-old brother who is financially stable nor other younger men that already have their families between ages 30-35. I didn't like being compared to other thin women and getting told he's losing attraction towards me. We broke up.* I'm currently 35. Will I ever get married eventually? I'm tired of being mislead, I'm tired of being a forever gf, tired of broke men and tired of men making excuses.*


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

That's my picture. I still look younger than my age but yes I'm worried now. This is my 2nd failed relationship that went nowhere, a man that was full of excuses, wasn't anymore close to being ready to provide and full of excuses.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

At 35, it gets harder but that do not mean impossible. The best advice I would give is to focus on your fitness. It is hands down the best thing any person can do. We men are drawn by your physical appearance and the feminine energy you give off. Don’t let a past jerk impact how you interact with a new guy. A bitter attitude will repel any decent catch, while a positive feminine vibe will attract many guys.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> At 35, it gets harder but that do not mean impossible. The best advice I would give is to focus on your fitness. It is hands down the best thing any person can do. We men are drawn by your physical appearance and the feminine energy you give off. Don’t let a past jerk impact how you interact with a new guy. A bitter attitude will repel any decent catch, while a positive feminine vibe will attract many guys.


Is 140-143 Ibs too much for a 5'7 medium framed woman? I'm just not naturally very skinny. I'm not an hourglass shape either. I'm more like an apple shape; maybe that's normal for a Latina I guess. I was skinny once but it was because I had a stomach surgery in March 2019 and was undergoing depression.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

Sprinkles87 said:


> Is 140-143 Ibs too much for a 5'7 medium framed woman? I'm just not naturally very skinny. I'm not an hourglass shape either. I'm more like an apple shape; maybe that's normal for a Latina I guess. I was skinny once but it was because I had a stomach surgery in March 2019 and was undergoing depression.


How hard it is will depend on you and your ability to be realistic. Since you're not in your twenties anymore, you're not going to get as much attention from men like you used to do. So, you need to be more purposeful in looking for a man. Find some activities that you like that also have single men that do those things.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Being blunt, what do you bring to the table beyond your looks? Wanting to get married is fine, but honestly I wouldn't want to marry a 35 year old woman who wasn't financially independent and educated. Your post gives off entitled, gold digger vibes. I'm sure that's not the case, but a woman pressuring me to marry after a year is a huge red flag


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

Jamieboy said:


> Being blunt, what do you bring to the table beyond your looks? Wanting to get married is fine, but honestly I wouldn't want to marry a 35 year old woman who wasn't financially independent and educated. Your post gives off entitled, gold digger vibes. I'm sure that's not the case, but a woman pressuring me to marry after a year is a huge red flag


It's not about pressuring. It's about the fact that he knew from the beginning this was a specific relationship, that we were dating to get married and we don't have all the time in the world. All the cards were laid on the table. There is no time for a prolonged evaulation dating stage 20 year-olds do. 
In my country (I'm not from the US), some men still like playing the traditional role of the provider and sometimes it can be common for people to live with their parents, provided that they have financial stability. He had no financial stability. I'm not lacking money and do have a BA in hotel management and culinary arts.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Sprinkles87 said:


> It's not about pressuring. It's about the fact that he knew from the beginning this was a specific relationship, that we were dating to get married and we don't have all the time in the world. All the cards were laid on the table. There is no time for a prolonged evaulation dating stage 20 year-olds do.
> In my country (I'm not from the US), some men still like playing the traditional role of the provider and sometimes it can be common for people to live with their parents, provided that they have financial stability. He had no financial stability. I'm not lacking money and do have a BA in hotel management and culinary arts.


I'm sorry I don't recognise your flag, so if marriage is a cultural expectation and men are expected to play the provider role, then surely you understand you have a role to play, which, again being blunt, in this scenario is usually to look pretty and cater to your man's needs. 

I would also say, at 35, why are you dating guys that aren't financially independent already? My wife married me for potential because we were young, but if I were to have to start again, if a woman wasn't bringing financial and educational benefits to my life, you'd better believe I'd expect her to be hot. 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to face the reality of what is and stop reading the you go girl Instagram posts. You're entitled to nothing and you attract what you are. All relationships are transactional, so have a look at yourself and see what you bring to potential relationships.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

It sounds like your biological clock is ticking and you just want a child. No matter the cost. A yr dating really isn't enough time to figure out how things will look. Sounds like a lot of pressure on the bf. Do you live together ?


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> It sounds like your biological clock is ticking and you just want a child. No matter the cost. A yr dating really isn't enough time to figure out how things will look. Sounds like a lot of pressure on the bf. Do you live together ?


I never do cohabitation. We never lived together. I want marriage, not live together. Yes I wanted to have a child, to form a family.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think it is a completely ridiculous notion that a reasonably healthy and attractive woman “can’t” get married and have a family with a decent man. 

But one does have to be realistic and manage expectations and keep somewhat of a handle on the hypergamy. 

There are going to be lots of men in their 30s and 40s that are going to be looking for a marriage minded women with whom to have a home and family. 

But it is a matter of leagues and abilities.

If a 35 year guy is tall, very fit and handsome, very successful and and of high social status, he is likely going to be getting with a very fit, attractive woman in her mid-upper 20s that’s never been married and has no children. 

Why?? - because he can. 

Now if that is your real picture, then you are a young, smoke’n hot, sexy babe to me!!!

But I am almost 59, bald, glasses a bit pot bellied and my plumbing was disconnected many years ago and and would rather stick sharp objects in my eyes than deal with kids again. 

But somewhere between the 35 year old, handsome, stud muffin and the 58 year old bald guy shooting blanks, is a span of men of varying degrees of financial success, physical attractiveness and varying degrees of marital status ranging from never married and no kids to previously married with prior children. 

A reasonably healthy and attractive 35 year old woman with no prior children shouldn’t have any trouble getting with a healthy, normal looking, gainfully employed man with a bit of a dad bod in his early 40s with some thinning hair and with a kid or two from a prior relationship that would consider himself fortunate to get with her and treat her well. 

If she were down right fit and firm, then she may even pull off a more fit man with a full head of hair. 

But it’s all a matter of reasonable expectations. 

A single, hot, successful hunk in his 30s with no kids is going to be going for the hotties in their 20s with no kids. 
I


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> But I am almost 59, bald, glasses a bit pot bellied and my plumbing was disconnected many years ago and and would rather stick sharp objects in my eyes than deal with kids again.


Holy **** this made me laugh. Is that your Tinder profile description? 😁

@Sprinkles87 
What oldshirt said is spot on. Put yourself out there, if your expectations are realistic you will be a catch for someone.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In your first thread you admit to being a habitual lier online and that you misrepresent yourself.

That’s why smart men cannot rush into marriage and parenthood.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sprinkles87 said:


> It's not about pressuring. It's about the fact that he knew from the beginning this was a specific relationship, that we were dating to get married and we don't have all the time in the world. All the cards were laid on the table. There is no time for a prolonged evaulation dating stage 20 year-olds do.
> In my country (I'm not from the US), some men still like playing the traditional role of the provider and sometimes it can be common for people to live with their parents, provided that they have financial stability. He had no financial stability. I'm not lacking money and do have a BA in hotel management and culinary arts.


The fix for that is only accept dates with men that are gainfully employed, have steady incomes and are financially responsible.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> In your first thread you admit to being a habitual lier online and that you misrepresent yourself.
> 
> That’s why smart men cannot rush into marriage and parenthood.


My first thread was about writing creative stories online (I might dedicate on writing a novel instead), which is unrelated to my real life issues.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> The fix for that is only accept dates with men that are gainfully employed, have steady incomes and are financially responsible.


Hopefully the 3rd time is the charm.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sprinkles87 said:


> Hopefully the 3rd time is the charm.


it is equally important for YOU to get to know the real person and for you know who and what some guy really is and to know what kind of job he has and how he manages money before even considering marrying someone.

it’s fine to be marriage minded and to want to have a family etc.

But it is critical to get to know the true person and that takes time. You cant just agree to some general principles over a dinner conversation.

you have to see how they actually live and see how they actually act and react in a variety of life events and they react to adversity and problems etc before you actually have an understanding of how someone really is.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Sprinkles87 said:


> After dating my bf for nearly a year, we just broke up today. In the beginning he knew very well I was dating to get married and have kids. He misled me with false dates for a marriage proposal and then our wedding. If you promised something and don't do it that's still lying to me.
> 
> On Friday he arranged a meeting with me to his Aikido academy to talk about our future goals and where our relationship is going after nearly a year. He told me we would speak about it after participating doing some Aikido exercises with him and his friend. Initially I really thought it was a positive conversation but it wasn't. He mentioned about how sex appeal is important in a woman, my eating habits, started comparing me to thin women on the TV and stated when a woman gains weight then the attraction decreases. I was interpreting this as ''oh so I've gained a bit of weight and you're losing attraction towards me''. This was followed other reasons due as his financial situation and how our relationship is a process, how there needs to be some evaluation and more excuses. When I asked for a date, he took a couple seconds to then say 2024. That's 12 whole months, too much. So basically the whole 2023 is going to be spend on the dating stage still, on nothing.
> 
> ...


Have you ever been married?
Do you have a child or children?
How long was your longest relationship?
These are important questions so as to be able to answer your questions.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sprinkles87 said:


> After dating my bf for nearly a year, we just broke up today. In the beginning he knew very well I was dating to get married and have kids. He misled me with false dates for a marriage proposal and then our wedding. If you promised something and don't do it that's still lying to me.
> 
> On Friday he arranged a meeting with me to his Aikido academy to talk about our future goals and where our relationship is going after nearly a year. He told me we would speak about it after participating doing some Aikido exercises with him and his friend. Initially I really thought it was a positive conversation but it wasn't. He mentioned about how sex appeal is important in a woman, my eating habits, started comparing me to thin women on the TV and stated when a woman gains weight then the attraction decreases. I was interpreting this as ''oh so I've gained a bit of weight and you're losing attraction towards me''. This was followed other reasons due as his financial situation and how our relationship is a process, how there needs to be some evaluation and more excuses. When I asked for a date, he took a couple seconds to then say 2024. That's 12 whole months, too much. So basically the whole 2023 is going to be spend on the dating stage still, on nothing.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you find yourself here. It sounds like he was future faking. Making you promises he didn't intend to keep. This happened to me once, but thankfully, I let the door slam shut on him. 

To be honest, while it's good that you made it clear that you were serious minded, maybe in the future, try not to put the 'pressure of marriage' on someone so quickly. After all, dating is supposed to be a process where you are trying to evaluate whether someone is marriage material anyway. If you're putting these expectations there so quickly, are you really marrying the person because you love them and feel they are the best fit for you, or is it simply for someone to 'fill the position' of your husband? 

I don't say these things in a mocking way, because I have been in your position too. Maybe the next time around, date, without vocalizing your 'marriage on the mind ideas'. As long as it's clear to you in your mind and you're confident in the fact that you're serious minded, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks or knows, does it?

And dating isn't wasting your time, it's a process you have to go through. Don't let pressures of getting older dictate how fast you should be married, or whether you should be at all...God knows my family did that to me long enough. It sucks, but you're stronger than that. Try to enjoy the dating process, and when the time is right, after a year or so, then you bring it up and see where they are. If they aren't where you are, then move on. If they are where you are, then great. I'll be honest, I probably should have dated my husband longer. We got engaged after a year and 4 months, and had many problems over the years. So, to avoid that, take your time.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Sprinkles87 said:


> After dating my bf for nearly a year, we just broke up today. In the beginning he knew very well I was dating to get married and have kids. He misled me with false dates for a marriage proposal and then our wedding. If you promised something and don't do it that's still lying to me.
> 
> On Friday he arranged a meeting with me to his Aikido academy to talk about our future goals and where our relationship is going after nearly a year. He told me we would speak about it after participating doing some Aikido exercises with him and his friend. Initially I really thought it was a positive conversation but it wasn't. He mentioned about how sex appeal is important in a woman, my eating habits, started comparing me to thin women on the TV and stated when a woman gains weight then the attraction decreases. I was interpreting this as ''oh so I've gained a bit of weight and you're losing attraction towards me''. This was followed other reasons due as his financial situation and how our relationship is a process, how there needs to be some evaluation and more excuses. When I asked for a date, he took a couple seconds to then say 2024. That's 12 whole months, too much. So basically the whole 2023 is going to be spend on the dating stage still, on nothing.
> 
> ...


Hey, sorry to hear this @Sprinkles87 I was pulling for you.

It's a sad reality that many men don't have the same value system as you regarding partners, marriage, living with, and kids. They don't have those values because they don't have too. Women today are easy, cheap, and you don't have to marry them.

Which puts you in a tough spot. Finding that guy who shares your values while also being reasonably attractive to you and also not being a slug. They are there, I’m sure. But needles and haystacks come to mind.  

I know you’re not religious, but maybe find some places that are frequented by men of faith. That's where you will find a bigger field of men that at least _should_ have similar values. 

Best of luck to you.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

GC1234 said:


> I'm sorry you find yourself here. It sounds like he was future faking. Making you promises he didn't intend to keep. This happened to me once, but thankfully, I let the door slam shut on him.
> 
> To be honest, while it's good that you made it clear that you were serious minded, maybe in the future, try not to put the 'pressure of marriage' on someone so quickly. After all, dating is supposed to be a process where you are trying to evaluate whether someone is marriage material anyway. If you're putting these expectations there so quickly, are you really marrying the person because you love them and feel they are the best fit for you, or is it simply for someone to 'fill the position' of your husband?
> 
> ...


Honestly I don't really mind passionate love too much. That's not the point for me at this point. I don't want to date for too long. I want to form a family. If I don't vocalize wanting marriage and kids then wouldn't the man get too comfortable and keep in the dating stage forever?? By not telling him what I'm after, that's a greater chance to spend too much time in the dating stage. I really want a form a family. I'm childless at 35.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Hey, sorry to hear this @Sprinkles87 I was pulling for you.
> 
> I know you’re not religious, but maybe find some places that are frequented by men of faith. That's where you will find a bigger field of men that at least _should_ have similar values.
> 
> Best of luck to you.


No I'm not. I'm atheist but don't mind if he's a man of faith as long as he doesn't force his belief on me and respects me for not sharing any religion.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Sprinkles87 said:


> No I'm not. I'm atheist but don't mind if he's a man of faith as long as he doesn't force his belief on me and respects me for not sharing any religion.


The point was having shared values, not the religious part. The downside though is that most religions do not want marriages to be of mixed faiths. It brings too much potential conflict and disagreement into a sensitive and personal topic.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

At 35, if you are trying to find someone who has never been married before nor has children, the chances are most likely it's because they don't want those things. It's not to say they don't exist, but they'll be rarer than they were when you were in your 20's.

If you're open to someone who may have children already but doesn't mind another and has been previously married you may find it easier. But hoping for a proposal after 1 year of dating certainly seems fast to me, and when you mentioned you won't cohabit first. I don't think you ever fully know someone until you do that. You may need to consider to allow more time for the process than you hope.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You can try a matchmaker service, not OLD. I would think it would not be that hard for you to find a man who over focused on his career when younger and was coming up for air.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sprinkles87 said:


> Honestly I don't really mind passionate love too much. That's not the point for me at this point. I don't want to date for too long. I want to form a family. If I don't vocalize wanting marriage and kids then wouldn't the man get too comfortable and keep in the dating stage forever?? By not telling him what I'm after, that's a greater chance to spend too much time in the dating stage. I really want a form a family. I'm childless at 35.


I get what you're saying, but with such little time, you could marry the wrong guy, and live a miserable life. No they wouldn't get comfortable because you wouldn't be around to let them. You have to know your worth, and if the guy doesn't come after you when you do walk away, well, then that's that.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Sprinkles87 said:


> There is no time for a prolonged evaulation dating stage 20 year-olds do.





Sprinkles87 said:


> I don't want to date for too long. I want to form a family.


Your posts reek of desperation. The whole point of dating is to get to know a potential partner and to evaluate whether you are a good match. That process takes a minimum of two years. TWO YEARS! Look through the posts here on TAM and you will see people who are here complaining because they married too early and are now here complaining because they didn't realize who they were marrying. Do you want to just marry or do you want to be happy? Do you want to find your soulmate or are you just going to settle in order to marry? And for God's sake do not bring children into a quick marriage and then subject them to a broken home when you get divorced because you married someone that you didn't know.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Trying to rush things is a huge red flag. Many guys leave, and are totally justified in doing do, mid 30s women rushing things along as they suffer from clock ticking anxiety.
A man feels really special when he knows you chose him purely because he was there to be a sperm donor when you were desperate and in a rush.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sprinkles87 said:


> Honestly I don't really mind passionate love too much. That's not the point for me at this point. I don't want to date for too long. I want to form a family. If I don't vocalize wanting marriage and kids then wouldn't the man get too comfortable and keep in the dating stage forever?? By not telling him what I'm after, that's a greater chance to spend too much time in the dating stage. I really want a form a family. I'm childless at 35.


I think you can find a man at 35.
You haven't been married before and aren't towing kids. That's a plus. I think 1 year is more than enough time to figure out if you want to marry someone or not. Just look at the relationship you just left. You both figured out you didn't want to be married. He sounds like he would have just made you miserable. 

Your BMI was totally in the normal range actually on the lower side of normal. Can you imagine what it would have been like if you got pregnant and after pregnancy? 

Here's the bad news. I do not think you are going to be able to find someone to marry and have children. You've waited too long. Sure there are doctors that will help you try up to like 45 years old... But now the risk of autism and such is much higher. Many of the men you meet will already be divorced and have children and not want to start over. 

There are subsets of men that put everything off until 40 and now decide they want kids. But lots of them are walking messes. 

I would say being up front what your goals are is a good thing. If they run because a woman is dating with the intent of marriage they weren't the one that was going to marry you in your time frame. They are more the one that is like your ex or will marry you in 10 years when they realize you are still together.....

In fact I think being open and honest about everything is the best way to get a good husband and a good match. Sure it will scare some men off but that's ok. You don't have time to play stupid games and win stupid prizes.

I'm sorry you ex was a douche., but thank your lucky stars you found out now. I find it hard to believe there weren't signs before this. Don't ignore red flags in the future. It keeps you from wasting time.

So how did you come to be 35 and just now getting to the settling down part? Did you stick around with one guy way too long hoping for marriage? did you party your 20's away?


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

MarmiteC said:


> If you're open to someone who may have children already but doesn't mind another and has been previously married you may find it easier. But hoping for a proposal after 1 year of dating certainly seems fast to me, and when you mentioned you won't cohabit first. I don't think you ever fully know someone until you do that. You may need to consider to allow more time for the process than you hope.


I don't mind that at all. I just want to settle down and have kids. I'm traditional in the part that I don't do cohabitation. I see the moving in process, sharing costs, cooking for him, cleaning if I'm just a live-in gf. I want to do those things as a wife, not a gf. That's just how I feel about it.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Your posts reek of desperation. The whole point of dating is to get to know a potential partner and to evaluate whether you are a good match. That process takes a minimum of two years. TWO YEARS! Look through the posts here on TAM and you will see people who are here complaining because they married too early and are now here complaining because they didn't realize who they were marrying. Do you want to just marry or do you want to be happy? Do you want to find your soulmate or are you just going to settle in order to marry? And for God's sake do not bring children into a quick marriage and then subject them to a broken home when you get divorced because you married someone that you didn't know.


I've read a couple stories before about people that got married under a year or even after just 6 months. Why was that possible?? What if two years take place and again the relationship doesn't work out? I'll be 37 or 38 by then and I'm screwed by then. I would already be happy if I got married. I'll be honest I just want to settle in order to marry. I don't believe in soulmates nor ''the moon and the stars'' anymore.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Sprinkles87 said:


> Honestly I don't really mind passionate love too much. That's not the point for me at this point. I don't want to date for too long. I want to form a family. If I don't vocalize wanting marriage and kids then wouldn't the man get too comfortable and keep in the dating stage forever?? By not telling him what I'm after, that's a greater chance to spend too much time in the dating stage. I really want a form a family. I'm childless at 35.


You get your kids and then the man becomes a non-priority it sounds like.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sprinkles87 said:


> I've read a couple stories before about people that got married under a year or even after just 6 months. Why was that possible?? What if two years take place and again the relationship doesn't work out? I'll be 37 or 38 by then and I'm screwed by then. I would already be happy if I got married. I'll be honest I just want to settle in order to marry. I don't believe in soulmates nor ''the moon and the stars'' anymore.


You know you can have kids without a man right?

I am one of the stories that got married in under a year. But I didn't settle. I simply found my moon and stars and was ready. So it's possible. But due to the short time frame we also waited to have kids. Need to make sure the relationship is stable before kids.

ETA: I've been married 29 years


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I'm sorry you ex was a douche., but thank your lucky stars you found out now. I find it hard to believe there weren't signs before this. Don't ignore red flags in the future. It keeps you from wasting time.





Anastasia6 said:


> So how did you come to be 35 and just now getting to the settling down part? Did you stick around with one guy way too long hoping for marriage? did you party your 20's away?


I got stuck to my first bf (the one that took my virginity long ago when I was 19) for too long. His name was Juan. At first I wasn't into kids because felt 19/20 was too young but didn't think I would change my mind shortly after my 28th b-day. Juan and I dated for nearly a year in FL, then I had to return to my homecountry (Peru) and he promised for the longest to come and marry me. It became a long-distance relationship. At that time even though I wasn't into kids, I was excited about my love coming to marry me; who knows maybe I would've had been convinced to have kids since I loved him at the time. Then 4 years later, I broke it off because he didn't do as promise and the infatuation period disappeared; I was angry that he had misled me. However, he kept in contact as friend (I still couldn't get over him since he was my first, the only man I've ever fell in love with), kept apologizing and promise he would commit, to give him another chance, etc. Well fast-forward to another 5 years later. I'm 29 by then and decided to get back with him mainly for the purpose of having kids, believing in him once again that he would come and marry me. Nope...Juan fooled me into giving him money (supposedly for our future), never returned my $1,200+ and had no intention of ever marrying me all this time. Juan drained years out of me, just at the age where I started wanting kids. He was an evil, real life sociopathic-narcissist in the end. His last words he said over the phone with a mocking tone ''Oh you're not ready for marriage, I have all the time I want'' and then switched back the topic to his worthless past sexual relationship with his past gfs. I was heartbroken obviously but finally ditched him last year, at the age of 34....ending the ''forever waiting for him, my first love'' story. He future faked all this time and was actually after my money too; after my father's apartments, after our wealth. It's obvious a woman's first option when young, first love is the one she would've loved to get married and have kids with.

And now with the 2nd bf. I met him at the martial arts academy and we would practice Judo. Lets call him Mike. It turns out Mike is a mess, isn't financially stable and had lied to me with a false date for proposal (it was suppose to be on Aug 2022) and let me write it on my cell. That's still lying and future faking. Then the rest as mentioned on my post hapened. Luckily I never had sex with him, never even seen each other naked and never fell in love with him. I'm not that hurt over the break-up. I'm hurt that my time was wasted again, at failing again and time not being in my favor. I really, really hate Juan so badly. He destroyed my innocence, my years, my hopes. He's part of the reason I'm in this position. If Juan ever reads this, JUAN I HATE YOU.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sprinkles87 said:


> I got stuck to my first bf (the one that took my virginity long ago when I was 19) for too long. His name was Juan. At first I wasn't into kids because felt 19/20 was too young but didn't think I would change my mind shortly after my 28th b-day. Juan and I dated for nearly a year in FL, then I had to return to my homecountry (Peru) and he promised for the longest to come and marry me. It became a long-distance relationship. At that time even though I wasn't into kids, I was excited about my love coming to marry me; who knows maybe I would've had been convinced to have kids since I loved him at the time. Then 4 years later, I broke it off because he didn't do as promise and the infatuation period disappeared; I was angry that he had misled me. However, he kept in contact as friend (I still couldn't get over him since he was my first, the only man I've ever fell in love with), kept apologizing and promise he would commit, to give him another chance, etc. Well fast-forward to another 5 years later. I'm 29 by then and decided to get back with him mainly for the purpose of having kids, believing in him once again that he would come and marry me. Nope...Juan fooled me into giving him money (supposedly for our future), never returned my $1,200+ and had no intention of ever marrying me all this time. Juan drained years out of me, just at the age where I started wanting kids. He was an evil narcissist in the end. His last words he said over the phone with a mocking tone ''Oh you're not ready for marriage, I have all the time I want'' and then switched back the topic to his worthless past sexual relationship with his past gfs. I was heartbroken obviously but finally ditched him last year, at the age of 34....ending the ''forever waiting for him, my first love'' story. He future faked all this time and was actually after my money too. It's obvious a woman's first option when young, first love is the one she would've loved to get married and have kids with.
> And now with the 2nd bf. I met him at the martial arts academy and we would practice Judo. Lets call him Mike. It turns out Mike is a mess, isn't financially stable and had lied to me with a false date for proposal (it was suppose to be on Aug 2022) and let me write it on my cell. That's still lying and future faking. Then the rest as mentioned on my post hapened. Luckily I never had sex with him, never even seen each other naked and never fell in love with him. I'm not that hurt over the break-up. I'm hurt that my time was wasted again, at failing again and time not being in my favor. I really, really hate Juan so badly. He destroyed my innocence, my years, my hopes. He's part of the reason I'm in this position. If Juan ever reads this, JUAN I HATE YOU.


So sure Juan was an ass. BUT you made the decision to stick around for like 15 years.
I can't follow the last part either you wanted to marry someone you never had sex with and never fell in love or there is a 3rd boy in there.

So it is time to grow up. It is time to look at each man with a keen eye not a I hope...
You should not settle for someone you don't like that is just a recipe for both him and you.
You seem like you also need to do some deep introspection here.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Sprinkles87 said:


> I got stuck to my first bf (the one that took my virginity long ago when I was 19) for too long. His name was Juan. At first I wasn't into kids because felt 19/20 was too young but didn't think I would change my mind shortly after my 28th b-day. Juan and I dated for nearly a year in FL, then I had to return to my homecountry (Peru) and he promised for the longest to come and marry me. It became a long-distance relationship. At that time even though I wasn't into kids, I was excited about my love coming to marry me; who knows maybe I would've had been convinced to have kids since I loved him at the time. Then 4 years later, I broke it off because he didn't do as promise and the infatuation period disappeared; I was angry that he had misled me. However, he kept in contact as friend (I still couldn't get over him since he was my first, the only man I've ever fell in love with), kept apologizing and promise he would commit, to give him another chance, etc. Well fast-forward to another 5 years later. I'm 29 by then and decided to get back with him mainly for the purpose of having kids, believing in him once again that he would come and marry me. Nope...Juan fooled me into giving him money (supposedly for our future), never returned my $1,200+ and had no intention of ever marrying me all this time. Juan drained years out of me, just at the age where I started wanting kids. He was an evil narcissist in the end. His last words he said over the phone with a mocking tone ''Oh you're not ready for marriage, I have all the time I want'' and then switched back the topic to his worthless past sexual relationship with his past gfs. I was heartbroken obviously but finally ditched him last year, at the age of 34....ending the ''forever waiting for him, my first love'' story. He future faked all this time and was actually after my money too. It's obvious a woman's first option when young, first love is the one she would've loved to get married and have kids with.
> And now with the 2nd bf. I met him at the martial arts academy and we would practice Judo. Lets call him Mike. It turns out Mike is a mess, isn't financially stable and had lied to me with a false date for proposal (it was suppose to be on Aug 2022) and let me write it on my cell. That's still lying and future faking. Then the rest as mentioned on my post hapened. Luckily I never had sex with him, never even seen each other naked and never fell in love with him. I'm not that hurt over the break-up. I'm hurt that my time was wasted again, at failing again and time not being in my favor. I really, really hate Juan so badly. He destroyed my innocence, my years, my hopes. He's part of the reason I'm in this position. If Juan ever reads this, JUAN I HATE YOU.


I feel for your situation. I really do, but….there’s some buts. You allowed Juan to string you along for years. We are atleast in control of those things. You made a lot of bad choices surrounding Juan. As for the next guy, there’s very few men left that are going to want to hear that you’re willing to settle because you just want kids. Let alone not have sex. That just knocked you down to the bottom peg of available women your age in the dating pool. And if you plan to leave that little tidbit out, then shame on you! YOU will be doing something far worse to an unsuspecting man than Juan ever did to you. Nobody deserves to be your sperm bank under the guise of a marriage. That’s also a really, really crappy thing to do to a kid, because a marriage based on settling will not sustain itself. You’d be better off doing this as a single mom, because what you’re suggesting is deceptive, immoral and just plain ****ty.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So sure Juan was an ass. BUT you made the decision to stick around for like 15 years.
> I can't follow the last part either you wanted to marry someone you never had sex with and never fell in love or there is a 3rd boy in there.
> 
> So it is time to grow up. It is time to look at each man with a keen eye not a I hope...
> ...


I know it was naive of me to stick around for Juan for too long. It's that he got me so badly, I had no experience at the time, he even lied about his real age for many years (when we met, he told me and mom he was 22; it was a lie...he was 30-32) and I didn't realize time would fly too fast. I got caught up in the moment for too long and he lovebombed me for too long. It's like he screwed my mind. I regret not listening my parents. My mom hated him a lot more than my mom and kept telling me ''Honey, he's never going to come to marry you, he's wasting your time''. My parents tried so many times to warn me but yes I stupidly failed to listened. I admit that part was my fault. I guess parents have 6th sense after all.

There is no 3rd man. Mike was my 2nd bf I had just broken up yesterday. He was the one that suggested in the beginning that he wouldn't pressure me for sex and that it's best we wait till marriage. He mentioned it first and I thought in my mind ''finally I can get married faster since he's not getting any type of sexual relationship from me''. I was wrong. Yes if he would've done as promise and propose, yes I would've gone along and marry someone I'm not in love with. I don't care about the ''falling in love, soulmate'' part at this point. Like stated, now I just want to settle and have kids, regardless of whether I'm in love or not. In this case, my parents liked him in the beginning but now officially dislike him and want nothing to do with him.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> As for the next guy, there’s very few men left that are going to want to hear that you’re willing to settle because you just want kids. Let alone not have sex. That just knocked you down to the bottom peg of available women your age in the dating pool. And if you plan to leave that little tidbit out, then shame on you! YOU will be doing something far worse to an unsuspecting man than Juan ever did to you. Nobody deserves to be your sperm bank under the guise of a marriage. That’s also a really, really crappy thing to do to a kid, because a marriage based on settling will not sustain itself. You’d be better off doing this as a single mom, because what you’re suggesting is deceptive, immoral and just plain ****ty.


Off course it would be great it he knew the deal and went along with it or if it was one of those men that are into mail-order bride thing, ok.
I'm just depressed and stressed out at this point. I never wanted to be in this postion. I would've wanted things in the right way and have the happy story of the woman that married her first but unfortunately things worked against me. I'm a woman with bad luck at love and men I guess.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Sprinkles87 said:


> yes I would've gone along and marry someone I'm not in love with. I don't care about the ''falling in love, soulmate'' part at this point.


You should seriously reconsider this point. Spending forever with someone you don't love will be _horrible _when the one you do love happens by. And then you will be a destroyer of worlds.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You should seriously reconsider this point. Spending forever with someone you don't love will be _horrible _when the one you do love happens by. And then you will be a destroyer of worlds.


Ironically this happened in my parents' case too. My father never really fell in love with my mother. Supposedly my mom claimed dad confessed it way back in 2012 and they had been married for 26 years by then. Mom stopped dedicating romantic songs to him and yes she was crushed, still is till this day. I think dad's first gf left him and married someone else (I don't know too much about his past but a family member claimed he was seen crying over that woman at a bar when he was young) and then after her, he met mom and they get married after 3 years of dating. No wonder dad always makes fun of romantic songs and the ''the love of my life'' lyrics. He finds it all corny and ridiculous.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sprinkles87 said:


> I know it was naive of me to stick around for Juan for too long. It's that he got me so badly, I had no experience at the time, he even lied about his real age for many years (when we met, he told me and mom he was 22; it was a lie...he was 30-32) and I didn't realize time would fly too fast. I got caught up in the moment for too long and he lovebombed me for too long. It's like he screwed my mind.
> 
> There is no 3rd man. Mike was my 2nd bf I had just broken up yesterday. He was the one that suggested in the beginning that he wouldn't pressure me for sex and that it's best we wait till marriage. He mentioned it first and I thought in my mind ''finally I can get married faster since he's not getting any type of sexual relationship from me''. I was wrong. Yes if he would've done as promise and propose, yes I would've gone along and marry someone I'm not in love with. I don't care about the ''falling in love, soulmate'' part at this point. Like stated, now I just want to settle and have kids, regardless of whether I'm in love or not.


I'm not sure if there is any kind of advice or help that anyone can give you for what you say you want, because your plan is NOT something that anyone with any integrity could support and encourage.

What it sounds like is that you spent your entire dating life making poor choices without actually thinking of the consequences, and you are continuing that with your new plan to settle and have kids with a man regardless of whether you are in love or not. That is a TERRIBLE IDEA...and if you do that, you will end up with more unhappiness and regrets than you have now.

If you don't care about the man, why have a man at all? Why not just have a child on your own as a single mother?


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> If you don't care about the man, why have a man at all? Why not just have a child on your own as a single mother?


I would've wanted it the traditional way, a child raised in a marriage with his/her parents. So much for wanting things the right way, sometimes it just doesn't come true. That's part of my emptyness and sadness.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sprinkles87 said:


> After dating my bf for nearly a year, we just broke up today. In the beginning he knew very well I was dating to get married and have kids. He misled me with false dates for a marriage proposal and then our wedding. If you promised something and don't do it that's still lying to me.
> 
> On Friday he arranged a meeting with me to his Aikido academy to talk about our future goals and where our relationship is going after nearly a year. He told me we would speak about it after participating doing some Aikido exercises with him and his friend. Initially I really thought it was a positive conversation but it wasn't. He mentioned about how sex appeal is important in a woman, my eating habits, started comparing me to thin women on the TV and stated when a woman gains weight then the attraction decreases. I was interpreting this as ''oh so I've gained a bit of weight and you're losing attraction towards me''. This was followed other reasons due as his financial situation and how our relationship is a process, how there needs to be some evaluation and more excuses. When I asked for a date, he took a couple seconds to then say 2024. That's 12 whole months, too much. So basically the whole 2023 is going to be spend on the dating stage still, on nothing.
> 
> ...


Well first of all you should count your lucky stars that you found out what a **** this guy is before you did marry him. You're well shed of him. 

I'm afraid you're in that cycle of desperation that makes you settle for people like this. Life doesn't always work out the way we've got it planned but sometimes it'll surprise you and lead you in another direction that is just as good. 

You need to have a plan B and get on with your life. Men shy away from women who are desperate to have a baby right away. Be careful when you're going to end up with someone who's just going to make your life miserable. I just think you need to move forward with your life like you would if it definitely wasn't going to happen and then if it happens naturally and organically, fantastic. If not you still are managing your life and making your own way. 

The older you are the harder it is to find a partner but that doesn't mean it's impossible. It is unfortunately true that a lot of men no matter how big a prize they themselves are believe they deserve a woman with a model's body. You certainly don't want to be harangued by that your whole life. 

Start planning to support yourself. Work two jobs or whatever and get some money socked away. Then you'll have more options down the road. Good luck.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Sprinkles87 said:


> What if two years take place and again the relationship doesn't work out?


Well then at least it's just a breakup and not a divorce. Please don't be stupid.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sprinkles87 said:


> I would've wanted it the traditional way, a child raised in a marriage with his/her parents. So much for wanting things the right way, sometimes it just doesn't come true. That's part of my emptyness and sadness.


Of course...we ALL wanted things the way we hoped for. But for so many of us, we didn't get our idea of happily ever after, and we had to readjust our expectations and embrace the lives we could create for ourselves!

So just because you might not get your dream of a traditional marriage and family, that doesn't mean you have to give up your dream to be a mother and have a child. You can and should make that happen for yourself if that's what you really want!!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sprinkles87 said:


> After dating my bf for nearly a year, we just broke up today. In the beginning he knew very well I was dating to get married and have kids. He misled me with false dates for a marriage proposal and then our wedding. If you promised something and don't do it that's still lying to me.
> 
> On Friday he arranged a meeting with me to his Aikido academy to talk about our future goals and where our relationship is going after nearly a year. He told me we would speak about it after participating doing some Aikido exercises with him and his friend. Initially I really thought it was a positive conversation but it wasn't. He mentioned about how sex appeal is important in a woman, my eating habits, started comparing me to thin women on the TV and stated when a woman gains weight then the attraction decreases. I was interpreting this as ''oh so I've gained a bit of weight and you're losing attraction towards me''. This was followed other reasons due as his financial situation and how our relationship is a process, how there needs to be some evaluation and more excuses. When I asked for a date, he took a couple seconds to then say 2024. That's 12 whole months, too much. So basically the whole 2023 is going to be spend on the dating stage still, on nothing.
> 
> ...


Comparing him to your brother isn't an insult?

I'm not suggesting he is mature. What I am suggesting is that you aren't seeing your own behavior clearly. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No one knows what the universe has in mind for us. Yes, it would have better had you not wasted all those years on the future faker but we all make less than good choices at some point. You may find someone who would be a good husband and father tomorrow or you may never find that person. All of that’s unknown so in the meantime you live your life. If your culture still frowns on unwed mothers (I’m not familiar with Peru) you‘ll have to decide at some point if you’re willing to take that risk — assuming it would ever even be something you would consider.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> If your culture still frowns on unwed mothers (I’m not familiar with Peru) you‘ll have to decide at some point if you’re willing to take that risk — assuming it would ever even be something you would consider.


Not really. Things have progressed and we can have our own careers too but it's my how I personally feel. If in the end, I can't find any marriage-minded man available then yes the last option would be just have a child (either through in-vitro or adoption if I can't give birth) and maybe later on focus on marriage.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> Comparing him to your brother isn't an insult?
> 
> I'm not suggesting he is mature. What I am suggesting is that you aren't seeing your own behavior clearly.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


It was indeed an insult and this might sound harsh but I actually don't feel bad about it at all. I was being sophisticated about that remark. In basic terms, I was basically telling him ''You're such a loser. At least my brother is 20 but you're an embarrassment at age 43''.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sprinkles87 said:


> Not really. Things have progressed and we can have our own careers too but it's my how I personally feel. If in the end, I can't find any marriage-minded man available then yes the last option would be just have a child (either through in-vitro or adoption if I can't give birth) and maybe later on focus on marriage.


I think that’s a good plan.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sprinkles87 said:


> It was indeed an insult and this might sound harsh but I actually don't feel bad about it at all. I was being sophisticated about that remark. In basic terms, I was basically telling him ''You're such a loser. At least my brother is 20 but you're an embarrassment at age 43''.


And that is fair criticism. 

But why did you try to paint yourself in a different light to the posters on this forum by saying you did not insult him?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> And that is fair criticism.
> 
> But why did you try to paint yourself in a different light to the posters on this forum by saying you did not insult him?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


I've viewed what he did (misleading me with false dates, false hopes...lying) and said about sex appeal was worse than I didn't even consider my comeback as insulting but rather rebelling against getting lied to and used again. Then I analyzed my criticism and yes it was insulting too.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Sprinkles87 said:


> It was indeed an insult and this might sound harsh but I actually don't feel bad about it at all. I was being sophisticated about that remark. In basic terms, I was basically telling him ''You're such a loser. At least my brother is 20 but you're an embarrassment at age 43''.


And you were his girlfriend. So, there's that.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> And you were his girlfriend. So, there's that.


Yes and he was stringing me along. I'll brb. I'm depressed right now.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Your posts reek of desperation. The whole point of dating is to get to know a potential partner and to evaluate whether you are a good match. That process takes a minimum of two years. TWO YEARS! Look through the posts here on TAM and you will see people who are here complaining because they married too early and are now here complaining because they didn't realize who they were marrying. Do you want to just marry or do you want to be happy? Do you want to find your soulmate or are you just going to settle in order to marry? And for God's sake do not bring children into a quick marriage and then subject them to a broken home when you get divorced because you married someone that you didn't know.


Thank you....DISPARATE


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Did you have sex with this man ? Or are you saving yourself for marriage ?


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## Real talk (Apr 13, 2017)

When you get older, at a point the question stops being when am I going to get what I want and becomes what am I going to do to get what I want.

I really don't understand why some women cruise through their 20s only to try to rush things when they're mid 30s. Is there no understanding of risk management?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sprinkles87 said:


> I got stuck to my first bf (the one that took my virginity long ago when I was 19) for too long. His name was Juan. At first I wasn't into kids because felt 19/20 was too young but didn't think I would change my mind shortly after my 28th b-day. Juan and I dated for nearly a year in FL, then I had to return to my homecountry (Peru) and he promised for the longest to come and marry me. It became a long-distance relationship. At that time even though I wasn't into kids, I was excited about my love coming to marry me; who knows maybe I would've had been convinced to have kids since I loved him at the time. Then 4 years later, I broke it off because he didn't do as promise and the infatuation period disappeared; I was angry that he had misled me. However, he kept in contact as friend (I still couldn't get over him since he was my first, the only man I've ever fell in love with), kept apologizing and promise he would commit, to give him another chance, etc. Well fast-forward to another 5 years later. I'm 29 by then and decided to get back with him mainly for the purpose of having kids, believing in him once again that he would come and marry me. Nope...Juan fooled me into giving him money (supposedly for our future), never returned my $1,200+ and had no intention of ever marrying me all this time. Juan drained years out of me, just at the age where I started wanting kids. He was an evil, real life sociopathic-narcissist in the end. His last words he said over the phone with a mocking tone ''Oh you're not ready for marriage, I have all the time I want'' and then switched back the topic to his worthless past sexual relationship with his past gfs. I was heartbroken obviously but finally ditched him last year, at the age of 34....ending the ''forever waiting for him, my first love'' story. He future faked all this time and was actually after my money too; after my father's apartments, after our wealth. It's obvious a woman's first option when young, first love is the one she would've loved to get married and have kids with.
> 
> And now with the 2nd bf. I met him at the martial arts academy and we would practice Judo. Lets call him Mike. It turns out Mike is a mess, isn't financially stable and had lied to me with a false date for proposal (it was suppose to be on Aug 2022) and let me write it on my cell. That's still lying and future faking. Then the rest as mentioned on my post hapened. Luckily I never had sex with him, never even seen each other naked and never fell in love with him. I'm not that hurt over the break-up. I'm hurt that my time was wasted again, at failing again and time not being in my favor. I really, really hate Juan so badly. He destroyed my innocence, my years, my hopes. He's part of the reason I'm in this position. If Juan ever reads this, JUAN I HATE YOU.


You should not settle on a father for your children. Don't you care about your future children enough not to want their father to be some random guy you settle for? You would be far better off having a child on your own or adopting one. You really don't have the temperament for "arranging" a father to marry. It's odd that you have enough wherewithal to know when you're being treated badly and leave but think you can somehow make a fast marriage work with a stranger you won't have time to know and honestly don't seem to care about. Is this financial? Is this cultural? Do you need to be married or your relatives will reject you? Are you too poor to support yourself and a child? Do you have any support system in place to help with childcare? 

Your story is nonsensical to me. Even with the first bf when you were young, you were pushing too hard for marriage and he was just using that desperation. You should learn from that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sprinkles87 said:


> I don't mind that at all. I just want to settle down and have kids. I'm traditional in the part that I don't do cohabitation. I see the moving in process, sharing costs, cooking for him, cleaning if I'm just a live-in gf. I want to do those things as a wife, not a gf. That's just how I feel about it.


I admire you for that. I too wasn't prepared to live with someone first. Plus I think that dating for a year is quite long enough to know if you want to be with that person for life. 
I was married after 9 months and knew within a week that I wanted to marry him. 
It's only in recent years that people seem to date for years and years with no commitment. 

I would suggest that you get out and about. Join groups, take up hobbies, maybe do volunteer work. That way you will meet lots of new people. 

They is no reason why you still can't meet a guy and have a family. Many women these days have children into their 40's. 
.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Did you have sex with this man ? Or are you saving yourself for marriage ?


No I didn't have sex with him. He was the one that suggested waiting till marriage early on (so I really thought it would lead to that), saying a bunch of nonsense he wasn't going to do in the end, promises he never turned into actions. In the beginning I thought ''great, this guy is suggesting something that's not benefiting him too much, a sexless relationship, cool''. Now I believe he likely didn't even have too much of a sex drive either and the ''waiting till marriage'' was a line he threw for other reasons. All we ever did was making-out, hugging and holding hands.

Honestly, the ideal relationship would be to have a normal sexual relationship (I have a normal sex drive to higher on some days) with someone I love and trust and it leads to marriage and kids. However, I won't do cohabitation (seems to be the rising trend even in Peru too). The chances of having that in a faster pace to have kids is small so I've analyzed things and came up with a solution.

I'll be going to a fertility clinic and proceed on becoming a mother since having kids seems to be the more urgent issue. Once I'm done with the goal (having kids), then I can search for marriage natural pace. Since I would already have a child and no longer in a rush, the purpose for marriage would changed to love. One disadvantage though would be finding a man that would marry me with my in-vitro child. Oh well. That's all I could think about.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Sprinkles87 said:


> No I didn't have sex with him. He was the one that suggested waiting till marriage early on (so I really thought it would lead to that), saying a bunch of nonsense he wasn't going to do in the end, promises he never turned into actions. In the beginning I thought ''great, this guy is suggesting something that's not benefiting him too much, a sexless relationship, cool''. Now I believe he likely didn't even have too much of a sex drive either and the ''waiting till marriage'' was a line he threw for other reasons. All we ever did was making-out, hugging and holding hands.
> 
> Honestly, the ideal relationship would be to have a normal sexual relationship (I have a normal sex drive to higher on some days) with someone I love and trust and it leads to marriage and kids. However, I won't do cohabitation (seems to be the rising trend even in Peru too). The chances of having that in a faster pace to have kids is small so I've analyzed things and came up with a solution.
> 
> I'll be going to a fertility clinic and proceed on becoming a mother since having kids seems to be the more urgent issue. Once I'm done with the goal (having kids), then I can search for marriage natural pace. Since I would already have a child and no longer in a rush, the purpose for marriage would changed to love. One disadvantage though would be finding a man that would marry me with my in-vitro child. Oh well. That's all I could think about.


I like your new plan better than the previous one. Smart lady, don't force a rushed marriage for utility.

Finding Mr Right (even with a child) may not be as hard as finding him with all your previous baggage.

Best of luck to you!


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

In today`s society, especially in western societies a large percent of younger women are aiming for only 20% of what they consider are high value men.
The Chads and Tyrones or alpha males whereas the beta or average males are mostly ignored.
Problem is alpha males are not relationship material. These women want the bad guys and then try to transform them into good guys but in practice it doesn`t work.
Even if he says good morning and good night doesn't mean he cares or even if he asks; what is your favorite colour and about yourself and all the stuff that really cares.
Even if he sleeps with a woman almost every day it doesn't mean he really cares.
Same applies if a woman gets his baths, cooks makes his lunches. He may appear thankful and say she`s amazing, perfect and everything about the woman is amazing, he'll be lying and doesn't care a rat`s behind.
He will probably have other women on the go and still say to the women that they are their only girls he calls baby cake, sweetie, honey and whatever but in reality they won`t be his one and only.
These women all go for the same types of guys and we begin to see a pattern here.
It is time for women to wake up and get to know the alpha, the lion has the pick of the of pride while these women are overlooking good men who want to be monogamous.
Then when these women reach their late 20s and into their 30s they begin to panic, knowing that their biological clock for child birth is ticking and have less sexual desirability to men.
So they begin aiming for the average men, those that when in their late teens and 20s these women wouldn`t have given those men the time of day, known as settlement and if a woman already has a child and/or has not kept herself in good shape than her chances of finding a male partner will be even lower.
But it`s a different situation for men in their 30s because they have no need to rush into marriage and become sperm donors, in-fact men can still get younger women when in their 40s, 50s and even 60s, and if by that time they are established and have resources to support a wife.
Rarely will men want to rush into marriage and get a woman pregnant as quickly as possible, especially in this day and age, because they don`t need to.
There are older women who become desperate to have a child and may sleep around having unprotected sex with men or some will even use a sperm donor clinic.
I know this from my experience as a Samaritan for 2 years and dealt with many woman like the OP, but what can I tell them?
In this day and age this has become the lifecycle of modern women and in the future there are going to be an awful lot of lonely old women out there.
This is why in western societies the old values need to be reinstated again, boy meets girl with lower expectations, marry and have a family.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

You have wrong priorities. You need to find a man who will love you for who you are and who you will love for who he is. and marriage will follow. it seems you are focusing on getting married and to who is not that important. Do you realize that your last guy was not in love with you? if you married him you would be miserable.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Most 35+ men that are single have either already been married and divorced and likely not wanting another marriage. Or have never been married and likely have commitment issues or just aren't interested. 

Your best bet is investing in cats at this stage in life.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Your best bet is investing in cats at this stage in life.


Is this a mockery? I've actually already updates my resolution. I'm opting for an IVF. I'm focusing on having a child first and still have my supporting parents, my family. I want a child, not a pet.
Besides I'm super allergic to cats (my 2nd ex bf had cats; I've realized he cared more about his cats and talking endlessly about going on a vegan diet than having kids....that was a sign I should've noticed).


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> You have wrong priorities. You need to find a man who will love you for who you are and who you will love for who he is. and marriage will follow. it seems you are focusing on getting married and to who is not that important. Do you realize that your last guy was not in love with you? if you married him you would be miserable.


I've already updated my resolution on my recent post if you read it. I'm having a child first through IVF. I'll focus on marriage afterwards (I'll be done with kids after doing the IVF) without any pressure.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I think that’s a good plan! And don’t let people scare you….there’s good marriage minded men out there, you just don’t want to lead with that lol. They may be divorced and have kids, but if they’re great dads many will want to remarry, and that tells you something great about them! I myself can think of 4-5 divorces among acquaintances and both the men and women have successfully remarried, and at least 3 of the men went on to have more children with their new wives. I have a question though…why would you go straight to IVF and not try artificial insemination first? It’s much less invasive and way less expensive. IVF is typically for women having serious fertility issues and only has a 15% success rate.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> I think that’s a good plan! And don’t let people scare you….there’s good marriage minded men out there, you just don’t want to lead with that lol. They may be divorced and have kids, but if they’re great dads many will want to remarry, and that tells you something great about them! I myself can think of 4-5 divorces among acquaintances and both the men and women have successfully remarried, and at least 3 of the men went on to have more children with their new wives. I have a question though…why would you go straight to IVF and not try artificial insemination first? It’s much less invasive and way less expensive. IVF is typically for women having serious fertility issues and only has a 15% success rate.


Interesting. Thank you for pointing that out. I've never been to a fertility clinic before. I'll have a consultation visit today at 4pm and they'll likely run some exams first and depending on that, it'll be base on the doctor's recommendation. Hopefully it's good news. I've never gotten pregnant so I hope it's easier. I recalled having unprotected sex with my first ex bf (I was then 19/20 and not interested at the time but believed him when he told me he had low sperm count, who knows if that was another lie too) long ago and couple times but nothing happened. Hopefully I don't have issues.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Sprinkles87 said:


> Is this a mockery? I've actually already updates my resolution. I'm opting for an IVF. I'm focusing on having a child first and still have my supporting parents, my family. I want a child, not a pet.
> Besides I'm super allergic to cats (my 2nd ex bf had cats; I've realized he cared more about his cats and talking endlessly about going on a vegan diet than having kids....that was a sign I should've noticed).


If you can afford a kid as a single mom, go for it.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Sprinkles87 said:


> I've already updated my resolution on my recent post if you read it. I'm having a child first through IVF. I'll focus on marriage afterwards (I'll be done with kids after doing the IVF) without any pressure.


Great plan. What guy doesn't want to marry a woman with a baby?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> Great plan. What guy doesn't want to marry a woman with a baby?


Don't think she wants a man just a sperm donor.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

Sprinkles87 said:


> After dating my bf for nearly a year, we just broke up today. In the beginning he knew very well I was dating to get married and have kids. He misled me with false dates for a marriage proposal and then our wedding. If you promised something and don't do it that's still lying to me.
> 
> On Friday he arranged a meeting with me to his Aikido academy to talk about our future goals and where our relationship is going after nearly a year. He told me we would speak about it after participating doing some Aikido exercises with him and his friend. Initially I really thought it was a positive conversation but it wasn't. He mentioned about how sex appeal is important in a woman, my eating habits, started comparing me to thin women on the TV and stated when a woman gains weight then the attraction decreases. I was interpreting this as ''oh so I've gained a bit of weight and you're losing attraction towards me''. This was followed other reasons due as his financial situation and how our relationship is a process, how there needs to be some evaluation and more excuses. When I asked for a date, he took a couple seconds to then say 2024. That's 12 whole months, too much. So basically the whole 2023 is going to be spend on the dating stage still, on nothing.
> 
> ...


Don't lose Hope! Loyal marriage material men still out there.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Don't think she wants a man just a sperm donor.


In an ideal world (if I had no biological clock) I would've loved both at the same time but for the meantime, I have to stick to one goal. If I risk taking my time in the dating process without pressuring a man for marriage, perhaps a man will eventually propose on his own pace but at the cost of closing my remaining fertile window. However, if I have a child then there is no specific age to get married, no time limit to get married.

If I wait to another 3+ years to have a child, it'll be either more difficult or I can be done with it. I didn't just lower my timeframe for kids but kill it. If I have a kid, perhaps it lowers the dating pool for marriage-minded men but that's the difference, it just lowers it but doesn't kill the whole dating pool.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

Hi guys, I'm back.
I can finally confirm the truth of why I never got pregnant when I had unprotected sex with Juan (1st ex bf) a couple times. It turns out that's the only truth (his low sperm count) he ever told. But then he told me to disregard what he said, that it was false, that he's a healthy fertile man and just told me that out of anger after I told him I'm not interest in kids and showed happiness over his issue. I was just 19 back then, immature and didn't know what I was saying. It was really him that had the issue indeed. He never got any of his past ex gfs pregnant, never got any women pregnant. Wow, my first relationship was with an liar, future faker and an infertile man. For years I thought I was the problem.

At my age, my antral follicle count (ovarian reserve) is 9. It is in the average range; it should be between 8-15. The right ovary has 1 because it's very small. The reason for the discrepancy in the ovaries is because a procedure was done on my right ovary 4-5 years ago as a result of polycystic ovary syndrome. That was causing me more painful periods for many years and I likely had an elevated follicle count on that ovary, too high...so with the procedure the count decreased. The left ovary is what is backing me up and saving me from the number dropping; it's at 8 right now. I have no endometriosis and only mild fibriods that doesn't interrupt the pregnancy process. The doctor recommended an IUI (intrauterine insemination) and I didn't need an IVF due to being considered an easy case. There will be 3 attempts and I have a successful pregnancy rate of 60%. I'm a normal, fertile woman.

In regards to my 2nd ex bf, I actually realized it wasn't about him being a total jerk with the sex appeal comment. He actually had a serious issue. Apart from being broke, I now fully understand why he suggested waiting till marriage on the 2nd-3rd month of our relationship (I didn't suggest it, he did) and then gave me a false date for a proposal, made comments about sex appeal in a woman 3 days before our break-up and there seemed no spark at all. I felt not sexual attraction for him nor any romantic feeling. All we ever did was making-out, hugged and held hands. Or we would kiss and sometimes he would stop or tried kissing hard but then stopped and things then seemed monotonous (no enthusiastic nor spark and it's like he didn't have it in him to lead on) and I would end falling asleep all the times when hanging out with him. 

He actually fit the characteristics of a man with little or no sex drive. If I had married him, I would've been miserable with an asexual man. I'm a normal woman with an average sex drive (some days and during my periods, it's elevated). Wow..unbelievable, a man with low libido, an asexual man.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Sprinkles87 said:


> Wow..unbelievable, a man with low libido, an asexual man.


There are lots of men like that, sure it isn't most men, but there's still plenty of them out there.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sprinkles87 said:


> After dating my bf for nearly a year, we just broke up today. In the beginning he knew very well I was dating to get married and have kids. He misled me with false dates for a marriage proposal and then our wedding. If you promised something and don't do it that's still lying to me.
> 
> 
> * I'm currently 35. Will I ever get married eventually? I'm tired of being mislead, I'm tired of being a forever gf, tired of broke men and tired of men making excuses.*


A few suggestions. Don't seem desperate. Actually, don't be desperate. A lot of men that age are afraid of being stoked and trapped.

Develop some hobbies that you become passionate about where women are not that common. Martial Arts was good.

My suggestions, would be to get involved in politics, take up target shooting, take up fly fishing, take a moutain climbing or rock climbing class, join a local bicycle club and participate in club rides, take some private pilot lessons, go to some US Coast Guard Auxiliary boating safety classes. Those are all things where there will be far more men than women. 

Similarly, sign up for a local community college introductory "trade" class. You know auto mechanics, welding, construction, etc.

You need to change where you are looking. There are lots of men out there. The problem is that if they are single and never been married at 36, there is something that may be wrong with them. If they have been married and are now divorced and have no kids, there might be something wrong with them or it might have been a cheating wife. 

The point is that you want to find men who aren't going to be "rescues" that need a lot of rehabilitation, you may have to expand your horizons to include much older men and those that have been divorced but they weren't the problem.

Good luck


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sprinkles87 said:


> Honestly I don't really mind passionate love too much. That's not the point for me at this point. I don't want to date for too long. I want to form a family. If I don't vocalize wanting marriage and kids then wouldn't the man get too comfortable and keep in the dating stage forever?? By not telling him what I'm after, that's a greater chance to spend too much time in the dating stage. I really want a form a family. I'm childless at 35.


Wow.

OK, I stand corrected, you really want to have a family and are looking to not waste time in finding a a baby daddy. Considering typical child support laws in countries with a traditional Catholic background, that would be a very frightening proposition for any man your age who is single.

You might want to look into becoming someone's bride as a way of helping them get citizenship in Peru. There might be men your age in certain Central American countries or more politically unstable countries (Ukraine, Middle East, parts of Asia) that are desperate to leave their country with its crime and poverty to gain Peruvian citizenship. Yes, there is political unrest in Peru, but not as bad as other places.

Again. Good luck.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Sprinkles87 said:


> In an ideal world (if I had no biological clock) I would've loved both at the same time but for the meantime, I have to stick to one goal. If I risk taking my time in the dating process without pressuring a man for marriage, perhaps a man will eventually propose on his own pace but at the cost of closing my remaining fertile window. However, if I have a child then there is no specific age to get married, no time limit to get married.
> 
> If I wait to another 3+ years to have a child, it'll be either more difficult or I can be done with it. I didn't just lower my timeframe for kids but kill it. If I have a kid, perhaps it lowers the dating pool for marriage-minded men but that's the difference, it just lowers it but doesn't kill the whole dating pool.


I realize that it's not a popular opinion in these parts, but I think you're making the right decision. I'm not sure if you need IVF for that -- can't you meet a handsome guy on a dating app to meet up for no-strings-attached unprotected sex? -- but there is only so much time to have children. Yes, it will make it harder to find a decent potential husband, but you are aware of that cost and you're willing to take it. I wish you all the best with this.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Sprinkles87

Something to consider - DNA - IVF or "blind-date" - either way some day your child likely will get an "Ancestry" kit.
Are you prepared to tell your child how she/he was conceived? One day the question will arise.

I don't mean any of the above a "shaming" - but it is important for a person to know their inheritance. For example, I have a BIL who has diabetes. Overweight yes, but also the diabetes gene (if that is true) runs in the family. The ladies don't have it. Go figure - he didn't know when growing up (and out!) - he is big 6'7" and once hit 450. So he exacerbated his condition. 
I have a niece who married her "High-School Beau" - who inherited a gene that causes a rare form of intestinal cancer that is incurable. Death (slow/painful) @ 55. Did she know when she married? Likely not as the DNA tests were very rare. Not available like today at a local Drugstore.

How about your DNA? Some folks can eat a whole cow and not gain a pound. Other, claim they LOOK at an Ice-cream cone and automagically gain a pound. Your DNA may affect your body shape. 

Checking out a prospective partner? I would see if your country has a "people/history finder" like we have several here in USA. Nothing secret - the service just collects info from public data. Birth/Death/Marriage, Property owned, drivers liicense, social media (kinda scary how much Google knows about you) and note a persons family and friends and hobbies. Base Jumper - RUN! Likes to go camping/fishing/travel. Much better choice. 

Wife was 33 when we decided to take a chance on each other - and we BOTH wanted a permanent relationship.
Also, we were both "brought up" in a similar manner. Something for you to add to your list of considerations.

Happy New Year!!!


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

CraigBesuden said:


> I realize that it's not a popular opinion in these parts, but I think you're making the right decision. I'm not sure if you need IVF for that -- can't you meet a handsome guy on a dating app to meet up for no-strings-attached unprotected sex? -- but there is only so much time to have children. Yes, it will make it harder to find a decent potential husband, but you are aware of that cost and you're willing to take it. I wish you all the best with this.


I've never done casual sex. It's just into me just having random sex. Plus how do I know I won't catch an STD? The doctor at the fertility clinic said my case was easier and it wasn't high risk nor serious enough to need an IVF. Instead I'll have an IUI done, which means intrauterine insemination (artificial insemination). IUI cost a lot less than IVF. If IUI doesn't work then that's when IVF is needed.
However, I have other different medical appointment, which includes an X-ray and stomach MRI. I need to get done with those first and then get the IUI done.


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## Sprinkles87 (3 mo ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> Sprinkles87
> 
> Something to consider - DNA - IVF or "blind-date" - either way some day your child likely will get an "Ancestry" kit.
> Are you prepared to tell your child how she/he was conceived? One day the question will arise.
> ...


It'll actually be through IUI (intrauterine insemination) and yes that'll be a hard moment for the child. I plan on telling them the truth when asked one day. 
It's true DNA is so complex and many people don't know they have a disease or some condition. I've gotten checked on other exams and I'm indeed a healthy woman. From my side everything is good. Since fertility clinics run the sperm and they're from healthy young men, I'm sure the baby would come out good and healthy. 
Congrats on you and your wife.
Same to you, Happy New year too!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sprinkles87 said:


> It'll actually be through IUI (intrauterine insemination) and yes that'll be a hard moment for the child. I plan on telling them the truth when asked one day.
> It's true DNA is so complex and many people don't know they have a disease or some condition. I've gotten checked on other exams and I'm indeed a healthy woman. From my side everything is good. Since fertility clinics run the sperm and they're from healthy young men, I'm sure the baby would come out good and healthy.
> Congrats on you and your wife.
> Same to you, Happy New year too!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Look you are doing fine. A random hookup is stupid. You are then obligating a stranger. You are also putting yourself at risk. And with Sperm donation you can get kind, smart and handsome. Not just **** boy sperm.

When you decide to tell your child their origin story simply say you loved them and wanted them so much.


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