# Need a man's perspective



## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

My H and I are currently separated. He and I have been married for 5 yrs but have known each other since we were kids. Over the last couple years, last yr especially things have gotten really bad. He has always been a little emotionally and verbally abusive, but has gotten really bad the lasts couple years, and he also has pushed it to the physical level 2x in the last several months. We have a 2 1/2 yr old son, who was witness to all of this. 

He is also taking pills, I had asked him to stop and he swore that he did. He wants to work things out so I am giving it another shot, however I am extremely guarded as I am really doubtful that he will change. For a couple weeks he was doing great- things seemed good and he really acted like he knew what needed to change. He said he stopped talking to all his pill buddies. I checked the phone bill and he calls them several times a day. (these are not people he talks to unless that is what he is doing). I also just found out that the night we separated he got our friends little cousins # and had been calling her....

What I want to know is do you guys think that someone like this can change?? Or does it sound like he will never grow up. Another thing is too that his mom and brother and sil all know about the violence and say it is my fault because I had a new bathing suit on.....so they never have made him pay for anything wrong that he has done, they cover it up and drag me in the dirt so that they don't look bad.....

Opinions please!!! I am very lost between wanting to keep my family together, but also wanting to be happy, and safe...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think people can change if they want to.
doesnt sound like he wants to.
that may not change as long as he has his family saying everything he does is ok.
your main concerns should be your child and your safety.
trying to reconcile things with him will do no good if your safety is in danger and it sounds like it may be at some point.
also the drugs certainly dont help his condition.
good luck.


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## insomnia255 (Dec 4, 2011)

Yes people can change if they want to but hes got to make the change. He is lucky that your still willing to take him back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your husband and how old is the friend's little cousin?

What kind of pills is your husband taking?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm the father of two daughters who are young adults. If you were one of my daughters, I would tell you to take your child and get away from him. He's a drug user and a violent man.

He has been violent twice and that is likely to repeat itself unless you leave him and he faces his demons through anger management classes and drug abuse counseling. You cannot feel happy and safe until these two things happen first.


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How old is your husband and how old is the friend's little cousin?
> 
> What kind of pills is your husband taking?


H is 30 and this girl is around 20 I think. I know he used to be getting perks, but he could be getting other things too. There are a couple different people that he calls so I don't know. I just got off the phone with him and he is being his usual a$$ self saying why would he change when I won't move back in, and he just thinks that I ran away from the responsibilities (he means bills, which the only other bills he is paying instead of me is the light bill and the cable bill, I am paying my car payment, all our hospital bills, our old cell phone bill that is over a thousand dollars, and any of my little c/c bills that I have). And I am still working my full time job and taking care of our son which he only keeps about 2 days a week usually. 

He said that I am cheating on him and that I just want to be able to go our and mess around- I am not...at all. I haven't even so much as talked to another guy except my co-workers, since I have to talk to them. He just says that I want to live with Daddy so I don't have to pay any bills....that is his mother talking there. We are going to do something this weekend, and I am going to have my ammo ready to confront him about his lies. If he is willing do do everything I need him to, then he has a shot, but I just don't know if he will, He is saying I am asking for too much. I just want someone who doesn't treat me and our son like crap and blow all the $ on pills!!! Is that too much to ask!!??


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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

I am a man and here is my perspective: leave. He is addicted to drugs and is now becoming violent? LEAVE! He needs to go for IC, enter drug rehab and sort out his s**t. I was once a violent man and used drugs and I can tell you, that beast doesn't just vanish and drugs are damn addictive. Get out of there, he has a ways to go before he can call on you again and no woman or child deserves a violent addict.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

I lost my temper once in a drug haze and when I came to half my house was destroyed. I have never gone back there! I trained in martial arts for years and know that if I lost it I could easily have hurt someone seriously! Never again. I grew up that day while cleaning my wrath. Your man sounds like a childish, self centered a**hole. I was once him and yes I changed but I had the sense to tell my family to leave until I was right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

Thank you Pathfinder. It is nice to hear it from someone who has been there. That is where I am thinking now. To get out. I am willing to hear him out this weekend but my hopes are very low. I too have a few years of martial arts under me (mostly kickboxing) but when he gets like that I am afraid to even defend myself for fear of his reaction and what he would do to me. I doubt he can change- but props to you for doing so!!


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear that, Dean. That is a terrible thing to happen. I'm glad that your family recognized it and tried to help though. His family is completely blinded and naieve, even though they pretty much know, they would rather just let him go so that he is happy and gets what he wants. That is how it always has been. Poor him. His mom tries to make up for not being around (working and in school when him & his brother were little) and his dad not giving a **** (his dad is a lot like him and has never changed). 

I have tried to tell his mom point blank what he is doing, and she shakes her head like she is upset, but then all he has to say is no that he's not doing it and she says ok. She even has control of his bank account and can see the $ that he is spending. She says it is for soda and snacks....stupidest smart woman I have ever met. I don't see us getting back together, but I will hear him out. This would have to be a true miracle if he would turn himself around- I just don't think he wants to for the right reasons.


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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

AnewBeginning said:


> Thank you Pathfinder. It is nice to hear it from someone who has been there. That is where I am thinking now. To get out. I am willing to hear him out this weekend but my hopes are very low. I too have a few years of martial arts under me (mostly kickboxing) but when he gets like that I am afraid to even defend myself for fear of his reaction and what he would do to me. I doubt he can change- but props to you for doing so!!


I changed because I didn't want to lose my family, I love them and knew I had to change. I am not sure its enough though and probably too little too late but you know deep down you cannot continue with this, for your sake and your childs sake. Drugs is something I love but it brought out the worst in me and coupled with a violent streak, that's just unacceptable. He is simply not in a place to want to change and by you accepting his conditions and entertaining him, you probably will make that change even harder if not impossible
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

I'm not accepting his actions, that is why I left. I am going to tell him that I know he is lying about calling these people, and show him the phone list with their #'s all over it every day. This is his last chance, and even still if he says he will change I'm not moving back in. If he can't accept that then we are done. It is what it is and I will not put myself and our son back there until I know he is clean and changed. And like you said, I don't see it happening... 

Thanks again for the advice! It is really helpful to hear it from a different side


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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

As a man I am sorry to hear this. I have become such an emotional twit of late working on myself and growing spiritually etc. Its a terrible thing to lose the one person you love and just thinking of it makes my want to breakdown. I fight tears now as I write this. I know inside me I have changed dramatically to save my marriage, I don't know if it will help though. However even my wife sees the massive changes and that's my point. When you love a woman you WILL make that effort. If you don't, then you will stay the same a**hole. The cracks will show.

I am sorry but don't lose hope, there are guys out there that are good and aren't carrying a bunch of issues. Its sad this guy will allow anger and addiction to rob him of a life with his son, but that is his choice. Be strong! Be better! We are here for you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

drugs and violence are a really dangerous combination. Please free yourself from this fool before he hurts you or the child. He can change if he makes the decision that he really wants to but don't stay around him based on a promise of change. tell him to make the change and then you will consider R.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> I'm the father of two daughters who are young adults. If you were one of my daughters, I would tell you to take your child and get away from him. He's a drug user and a violent man.
> 
> He has been violent twice and that is likely to repeat itself unless you leave him and he faces his demons through anger management classes and drug abuse counseling. You cannot feel happy and safe until these two things happen first.


:iagree:


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Pathfinder said:


> I lost my temper once in a drug haze and when I came to half my house was destroyed. I have never gone back there! I trained in martial arts for years and know that if I lost it I could easily have hurt someone seriously! Never again. I grew up that day while cleaning my wrath. Your man sounds like a childish, self centered a**hole. I was once him and yes I changed but I had the sense to tell my family to leave until I was right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm happy for you that you were able to confront your demons and win! 

Original Poster -- I think it's a good idea to hear these words from this person who has been in a tough place and actually changed! Wishing you strength and luck!


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I'm sorry about your situation. Its been my experience that people that are emotionally,verbally and even physically abusive rarely change. The only thing we have power over is our ability to accept it. You did the right thing to leave him but ask youself, do you want to waste your life waiting for him to get it together?


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