# Dealing with the "victim" parent after divorce in coparenting...



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Some of you know my story and the craziness of my ex wife. She is now getting divorced for the 2nd time in two years. Pregnant with the new STBXH's baby. Plainly speaking....it's been a wild ride.

So, my 12 year old son has become quite the challenge for her in terms of getting him to help around the house. He simply has started to really resent her. In fact, we have agreed at this point that he will live with me starting at the end of July. Last week, she took offense to the fact that she and the other kids had to mow their yard and he didn't help. Last friday, at the front door, she basically told me to "handle it" because if she was going to have to "handle it", his life would be hell. 

We had said discussion about it, and I gave him my expectations of him moving forward and what he should expect of himself. Well, she did NOT like what I had to say after he told her. I told him his job is 4 things....1) do your best in school/do your homework 2) spend time everyday sharpening your skills in your hobby (for him that is football) 3)keep your room clean 4) have honor in your life...do what you say your going to do....treat others how you want to be treated. Basically, she told him that I have "poisoned" his mind and turned him against her. That I was the "bad guy" and not her. AND, he better not go "tattling" to his dad about what she says because she doesn't want to hear my crap. 

This is more of a vent than a look for help, BUT DANG! What in the hell is wrong with people??????? I expect this kind of stuff because it has become the norm, but at some point I just want to tell her to STFU because all she is doing is creating bad feelings in our kids!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, I don't agree with your "fuzzy" rules, so... But soon enough, your son will be YOUR problem, and you'll get to deal with how he should respect his parents, do other chores as asked (besides his room), be nice to his siblings, etc...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

He should help his pregnant mother mow the yard. That's what sons do.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

She shouldn't be concerned about her children, or you making her life difficult. She is doing a bang-up job of that all on her own.

You should thank her some time.

Thank her for enabling you to get off, and then watch the train wreck of her life in slow motion from the sidelines.

If she wants her children to respect her, then she needs to actually be someone worthy of respect.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

PBear said:


> Well, I don't agree with your "fuzzy" rules, so... But soon enough, your son will be YOUR problem, and you'll get to deal with how he should respect his parents, do other chores as asked (besides his room), be nice to his siblings, etc...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm confused as to what makes them "fuzzy"....as they can be applied as a baseline to most situations. Also, he does stay with me quite a bit already. I don't have issues with him. He makes straight A's and his coaches/teachers/etc rave about him in regards to effort and how agreeable/teachable he is.



> He should help his pregnant mother mow the yard. That's what sons do.


Oh, I agree. His response, however, shows a much different light. She doesn't work, and lives off foodstamps and child support. He has watched this dynamic go on. Example: He is at my house for the weekend and comes home to a messed up place. He immediately has to start cleaning up because it got that way when he or the other children weren't there (it was clean when they left) because it is "their chores". Do you like cleaning up someone else's mess time and time again?



> She shouldn't be concerned about her children, or you making her life difficult. She is doing a bang-up job of that all on her own.
> 
> You should thank her some time.
> 
> ...


Agreed. And I have thanked her....repeatedly.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I can understand your anger, D2H. I have a son who's 11, and lives 1/2 time with me and 1/2 time with XH and his live-in gf (formerly posOW). They have had more behavior problems than I have since day 1 of our split. Gradually, I've been adding more to the things I've expected DS to do, and he's been doing better. XH has spoken to me a few times about him not listening to them or doing any kinds of chores. I think it's because of a lack of respect for them. XH is on disability (for depression and OCD, neither of which warrant disability status, but that's another story), but he has his own business he's trying to start from home. Both he and posGF 'work' from home all day. I don't think DS sees that as equal to my working a 40 hour job away from home, having to find camps for him in the summer, etc. He knows it's more of a struggle for me. 

I think you can reasonably expand what you specifically ask your son to do at his age. Not just keep up his room, but do things like help any younger siblings (not sure how old your other kids are), make sure his dirty clothes go in the wash and put his clean laundry away, wash dishes he uses, etc. It might help to mitigate some of the tension until he leaves his mom's place. These are things that will serve him well as he grows up, too. 

As for helping his pregnant mom with the lawn? I guess, for me, I would put that under the category of 'helping little old ladies cross the street.' If he helps, it's not just for his mom, it's for the baby, too. Depending on how big the yard is, how far along she is, etc., it might be perfectly fine for her to do it. Some women work and take care of their houses til the day they go into labor. Others can't. I don't know her situation in that regard. But it never hurts to learn how to give with an open heart, without resentment, and to feel good for doing a job well. It's only temporary, after all.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> make sure his dirty clothes go in the wash and put his clean laundry away, wash dishes he uses, etc.


He already does this..."treat others how you want to be treated"

I agree on the yard. It was the way it went down. She told him to do it while he was doing homework. He said, "When I get done with my homework, I'll do it." She then went and started doing it. He went out there after he was done and she let him have it. 

I typically don't complain or vent about this stuff, but I am starting to see the same pattern she used with me. It's disgusting.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I would never interrupt homework. That's just lame.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I personally don't think anyone under 12 year old should be operating lawn mowers, as a child I knew of two others in my school that lost appendages to them. There are a sh!tload of other chores that are age appropriate though.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Yeah, sometimes, you just have to vent. It's hard to be the parent in the middle. 

Lon -- There are always reel mowers. I love mine. Great exercise, no gas or oil to buy, and DS can use it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I would say, that, since she asked, and he replied he was busy with homework but would do that right after and then did just that, he was acknowledging 4) have honor in your life...do what you say your going to do....treat others how you want to be treated. 

Had she asked how much homework he had because it was near dusk and mowing needed to be completed, etc. then maybe more discussion was in order instead of her simply laying into him. Also it's a bit PA to ask that, hear his reply and then go play martyr by doing it herself only to turn on him.

Did she not acknowledge that he said he was working on homework and would do it right after? Does she agree that school work comes before all else?

Seems like it's more of a breakdown of communication on her end.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I commented on your rules being "fuzzy" because 3 of the 4 were nothing more than "do your best" or "be a good man". Those are great values. But kids need concrete expectations of them, too. I'm sure that when your son comes to live with you, you'll have a slug of other rules. Like "clean up your dirty dishes", "be home at 6pm", etc. 

I do agree with the others, that your wife needs to earn your son's respect. And that, to be honest, it's up to your wife to set and enforce her expectations. Not your job to be the bad guy because she can handle it. 

C

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Seems like it's more of a breakdown of communication on her end.



AND HERE WE GO. She admits that she is putrid in the area of communication. She is.

"I'm sure that when your son comes to live with you, you'll have a slug of other rules."

Not really. I used to when he was 8-9. However, as the divorce happened, I started to give him more leeway. As he has shown capable of handling it and making good decisions, I have given him more. He already cleans up his dirty dishes and communicates with me on where he is in the neighborhood, etc. He washes his own clothes at my house on sundays that he is with me so he doesn't have to deal with his mom.He lives with a plethora of rules with his mom. If he is able to make sound decisions and treat my house correctly, I am not going to get detailed rules out. Not unless he regresses.....


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

If you do take that approach then you will basically be doing the same thing you are angry at her for doing. You cannot control what your ex does or doesn't do, however, you can control yourself. Your kids need to see at least one of their parents showing proper respect and displaying self-control. I hope that you will also make it clear to your son that honoring his mother is always expected. It doesn't matter who was "right" or who was "wrong". Your children need to know that their parents love them unconditionally and want what is best for their lives.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> If you do take that approach then you will basically be doing the same thing you are angry at her for doing.


 Taking a parenting approach that is neutral and my own that is created by a professional that has walked through this process with me for the past 4 years and knows the details verbatim on all the dynamics in the scenario is probably the way to go........yes, I do see the same therapist once a month that I've seen since October 2010. She was also our MC and my ex's IC for a while. She knows the situation and has our children's best interest at heart. 



> You cannot control what your ex does or doesn't do, however, you can control yourself. Your kids need to see at least one of their parents showing proper respect and displaying self-control. I hope that you will also make it clear to your son that honoring his mother is always expected. It doesn't matter who was "right" or who was "wrong". Your children need to know that their parents love them unconditionally and want what is best for their lives.


And, thus, the whole "honor thing" and "treat others how you want to be treated". Thanks for the lecture about the things I'm already doing. And, I'm sorry for coming off like this...I'm just sick of talking/thinking about it. It's utterly stupid. It is VERY EASY to parent without making the other party look bad or manipulating once you have your own crap under control.

It's 4 years of pretty much doing the right thing all the time and having someone just be absolutely moronic about life. Like I said, earlier. More like a vent. I'm just over it.


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## HelenPada (May 26, 2014)

Your ex should talk to my astrologer, I'm sure she will come into senses.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> This is more of a vent than a look for help, BUT DANG! What in the hell is wrong with people??????? I expect this kind of stuff because it has become the norm, but at some point I just want to tell her to STFU because all she is doing is creating bad feelings in our kids!


I feel your pain, though for a different reason. When we were married, my ex would not take any responsibility for discipline or rules. She wanted to be my daughters' friend, not their parent. That was left to me. So now, it's much worse. When they are with me, they have their house rules - pick up after yourself, keep your room clean, all the standard stuff. But that just goes out the window when they aren't here. She doesn't work, and from what I can tell she literally spends her day just sitting around the house looking for boyfriends online, doing nothing, not cooking them dinner - always eating out, this while constantly complaining about not having enough money to buy them anything. I haven't been in the house in a couple of months, but at the time it looked like a clothes and dish bomb had exploded in there. I have talked to the girls about doing their chores, but I don't know, I just think they have zero respect for her and she doesn't enforce anything. Frustrating as hell.


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