# My husband / my greatest Inspiration ...it was HE who taught me what LOVE is...



## SimplyAmorous

This month we will celebrate our







... Some of our story here.... (I tried to not be long winded, but I failed! )

It seems every memory I have, a movie watched, where I've been, a song taking me back in time.....HE was right there beside me...and life has been SO GOOD.....For us, our most difficult times were * BEFORE WE MET *...

I'll start backwards ...Our valleys *after the vows*...  

*1) * 6 + years of Secondary Infertility (many tests, pokes, clomid, tears on his chest, a surgery, a near Invitro attempt).... I was SO worried we'd never realize the children I had dancing in my head/ running in the yard laughing, building castles & rivers in the sandbox Daddy built... racing Power wheels.... family vacations to Disney fighting over which rides to run to.... some of that sweet CHAOS...dirty diapers & cute mouthy brats.......It was MY dream (call me *CRAZY*, that's OK!)....

Thankfully we had our 1st son to love & dote on ....so many JOYS amidst our struggle to give him those annoying siblings (it's something I never had & wanted so badly for him!)...



*2)* It started during that time... my husband feeling I didn't love him AS MUCH cause  was not on my brain as often as it was HIS ...and "TIMING" it wasn't helping matters...I surely had my bad days of being testy & temperamental during those yrs...

He tried to bury his want, sometimes he just waited for some playful cue from me...(might be 5-6 days)....I was not understanding *the needs* / antsy cravings of the male sex drive.....I read plenty of books on the [URL=http://s1035.photobucket.com/user/overrunwithsons/media/ANIMATED%20SMILEYS/love0018SPERM.gif.html] meeting the egg - but never picked 1 up on "*How to please a MAN*" >> where was Dr Laura when I needed her...the whole Care & Proper feeding of our Husbands !! 

......But he loved me through that...*So much* I didn't even know he was suffering! ...We went on to have 5 more children... I felt the heavens opened unto us ...we both wrapped ourselves up in enjoying them... Though one of the dumbest things I've ever done as a wife is put our babies in bed with us!  and He LET ME! ...Our bedroom was "Grand central station", doors always opened, kids crashed on the floor......He never complained.... Both of us needed shaked !  

He needed to *>* assert himself *>* TAKE ME!* >* tell me what for *>* that he loved his kids but he wanted his wife! 

I was never LD, always initiated, no Pleasure given us can compare with getting LOST in each other like that...... I look back & think "Who the hell was that woman?" that I wasn't jumping to do it more so - from my own end. 

*3)* I could mention my *Mid Life Crisis* here...I didn't want to climb Mt Everest, Run for office, Sky dive or try Bungy jumping, no college courses was on my mind, or taking up Gardening....

After making a Movie Maker Video of just him & I and all our yrs together...adding this mushy Love song > This I Promise You  .... 
....When I played this thing back....those words....  the emotions took me my STORM...our lives are just a vapor...how fast these yrs have flown...I wanted to reach in that screen & grab that HOT young man & re-live every blessid moment... I realized suddenly how we were neglecting *US*...we were too busy playing "FAMILY"... 

Suddenly HE became my Dopamine RUSH... I couldn't get enough....he couldn't keep up! I started questioning *his desire* ....this was a bit tormenting for me....I was ANTSY...the tables were turned on their head here..... But as we always Do...hand in hand we waded through this together...joined TAM during that craziness....I was reading so much about , spicing, Lover styles, Testosterone/Hormones...I thought I could offer some advice here & distract myself from attacking him 3 times a day... 

Again he proved he is *my Hero*...in how he handled me / loved me through this phase as well....


----------



## SimplyAmorous

*Back to those beginnings*...I was disillusioned growing up...

I watched my Mother "self destruct" in front of me at the age of 10 over her entanglement with user men...we shared a little house after the divorce...within those paper thin walls I heard them going at it..no playfulness, no love..different men...my 1st introduction to SEX. 

Passion her demise...it all started with the infatuated Love/Lust of 1 younger stud who came to do some work on our house.....who dangled his attention, a game of cat & mouse ...he Seduced her...she invited it...he was worse than a Player, more like a PIMP...(He brought the others around).....when my Father got wind of her liaisons, he called her in a RAGE & took me off of her...she lost me, our little house, her job, and any shred of self esteem she ever had...then ran off with an Alcoholic to another state...

....Very ... as she had so much going for her at one time...straight A student in high school, a Brownie Leader yrs before...I have childhood memories of a happy involved Mother......making cookies together, laughter, she'd take me ice skating/ sled riding, building snow men/ igloos together... we flew kites... she took me to Dance lessons (that was more her dream, not mine)... she threw the Biggest Birthday Parties, balloons, confetti, she'd let the house be trashed by kids so I'd have the BEST day! ...
... I remember every Easter her taking me shopping for the prettiest dress & always getting a monster basket filled with the best chocolate & goodies...She spoiled me! She was my best friend for the 1st 9 yrs... At least I had that. 

*So I was off to live with my Step Mother* ... how to describe ...she was not expecting ME to be a "part of the plan"... I had to walk a VERY straight line or I could be grounded a month at a time (happened once)...I wasn't always given lunch $... notes were pasted on the fridge what I had to keep my hands off of....

My Father was THERE but doing his own thing ...he tinkered in the Garage a lot / would have drinking buddies over some weekends & do Hill climbs in the back yard ...Him & her -they always got along fabulously. 

When I 1st moved in, he'd come in my room & kiss my cheek every morning before Work...this stopped after a time...I believe he loved me in his own way... but we DIDN'T really talk.... it was like I had "*a ROOM*" / my duties....but was on my own.. 

I defied them once and didn't come home, I had the intention of running away...but that didn't go so well.... I remember being TERRIFIED to face them....can't remember the aftermath...likely a verbal lashing & grounding.... there was never a  to  type thing.

18th Birthday...came home from being with him all day....to find my entire bedroom on the porch ...that really bothered my husband ....I didn't care, it was my plan to leave anyway -had my own car, a steady job, we were engaged.....

There is more I could share here to paint a darker picture ....but all has been mended & washed under that bridge for 20+ yrs .....For a couple yrs I didn't care to see them... then we started visiting.....she's openly spoke a # of times how HARD she was on me, that if anyone had a right to Bi*ch it was ME (in comparing her own kids who didn't have to live with her).... We get along great today...this must sound odd...but it's true! 

*I had OTHERS in my life*...one of my Gf's...what did we have in common, she hated her adoptive Mother & I ranted & whined about my Step Mom.. that was our common link...Cool huh! I'd say her fundamentalist control freak Mom was by far worse though >> if 1 wrinkle was on the bed spread - she'd rip it off & demand she make it again while she watched... Of course this was THE MOTHER who took us to Youth Group [email protected]#$.... Is anyone normal? 

Looking back, I can see HOW these harsher EXPERIENCES helped groom me, prepare me, awaken me to not be naive like my Mother, to take LIFE a little more *serious* over the average teen....also to be *receptive* to GOODNESS when it walks into my life...


----------



## SimplyAmorous

*What I learned during my teen yrs* ... How to work hard, shut my mouth & expect nothing in return but what the satisfaction of a job "well done" gives ....(never had an allowance - but Responsibilities in that house, oh yes...she worked & I would pull my weight with a )......I learned all about *Discipline* & *Consequences*...also to *Respect Authority* even if I grumbled under my breath...There would never be any "entitlement mentality" in me....

I learned the value of a $1.....I learned *Compassion* / *Empathy* for others in a F'cked up situation...(Probably why I felt so strongly for the "underdog")....I understand *Jealousy* and *ANGER*  ...I learned some *Humility* as well.... it had it's value.... 

*HIS struggles were *opposite of mine...He had the Loving family home life, also some of those old Italian relatives who'd grab you & squeeze you like they haven't seen you in a year , very personable... Always loved this side of his family...

Yet outside of his doors....People were Cruel...this wasn't in his makeup... some bullying in early high school, he called himself "scrawny" .... not good at sports...average grades...the shy boy with glasses ... Had 2 Gf's before me, they dumped him...he gave up on love ...he's always said he was choosy on top of this, figured he was screwed with his pants on...never find what he was looking for.... The girls that paid him attention he had no interest in... 



Oh can't forget >> my Best friend up the country road...& her boisterous family >> she was like the sister I never had... in many ways her Mom took the place of mine...many sleep overs ...from them I experienced the JOYS of a larger family....chaos & all....they made it look *SO* *FUN*...

And my beloved Grandmother next door ... we'd just hang out on her front porch, her in her Rocker... me on the swing...talking about life,, growing up in a larger family... (She is the oldest standing in the door - nothing like a family portrait dating 1919)....I also got my love of Photography from her  ~ We were very close - she died months before our Wedding in her 80's. 










...she talked about Grandpa's "courting" her...something about their Love story....did such men still exist [email protected]#... 

I wanted someone Trusted & TRUE... like my Grandfather....I even got down on my knees &  for such a man...


----------



## SimplyAmorous

*When we met*.... his family was so wonderful...yet I remember feeling a little jealous of the LOVE he grew up with ....I felt outside of that, did I belong...am I good enough -them learning I come from a broken home, a screwed up Mother who abandoned me...observing his older sister & Mom's closeness ...a little envy rose in me...as it was something ripped from my life.....

Even his little brother annoyed me & I'd shoo him away (& the poor kid LIKED me)...I had an attitude at times, a bit of a rough exterior....I was still trying to deal with some of my anger ...I carried some "chips on my shoulder" ...I think I just wanted to feel Loved... like so many of us... a place to belong... something I could count on....

He seemed to overlook all of this, or loved me in spite of it - he would say I am exaggerating here, that I wasn't THAT bad... (but I remember.. picking up my teen diary one day  I CRINGED reading some of it... I'd be ashamed if my kids got a hold of that! In fact I hid it, and now I can't find the darn thing....It's a case where ~ I've come a long way Baby! 

It's like he knew I was *wounded inside* in some ways.. & he was going to turn that around, teach me a new way....He made it so easy to bare my .... I gave him access to every vulnerable place, every fear, every imperfection, every quirk, I knew I was safe in his arms....this is where he saw my *sensitive side*...I was a young girl of many "facets"...

He answered every love note I penned (even when he didn't care for writing)... he took me shopping to the Mall/ spent $ on me...anywhere I wanted to go - he made it happen.... he came to see me on icy back roads (I should have never allowed this!)...

It was HE who taught me to drive, then I wrecked his car ~ on the way to take my Drivers test ! ...he didn't even get  (roads were slick - I was fiddling with the radio going up a winding hill & went down an embankment into a tree -YIKES)... tow truck pulled us out....still ran, so we drove there anyway & I passed ! ....Had my 1st accident & got my license within hours of each other ! Just one of our silly stories.

I think it fits I was pretty much a "*Damsel in Distress*" back then....and he my *White Knight *....who found me at age 15...

....

*Because of HIS presence in my life*...I started feeling the world was a beautiful place again ... it held promise...not everyone was a dysfunctional wreck... that dreams CAN come true....we both seemed to fulfill something in each other... the yin & the yang...My husband has ALWAYS been that ROCK for me...

Looking over our past, I couldn't recall a time he "let me down"....so I mentioned this to him one night randomly ....he immediately shoots back... "Yes I did...that time I was late picking you up after school & you got grounded".....He felt horrible about that.... this was 30 some yrs ago!...I didn't even remember it....but he carried it. 

What a tremendous man I married, and he is the humblest I've ever known...couldn't boast on himself to save his own life...but boy don't get me started!

24 yrs ago...it's been a beautiful journey....I owe this ALL to my husband... he's the one with the Halo...Me I can still pick up the horns now & then ...


----------



## Thundarr

SimplyAmorous said:


> Looking back, I can see HOW these harsher EXPERIENCES helped groom me, prepare me, awaken me to not be naive like my Mother, to take LIFE a little more *serious* over the average teen....also to be *receptive* to GOODNESS when it walks into my life...


I love this snipit. It shows the thought process that makes you the person you are SimplyAmorous; someone I admire and respect.


----------



## Ikaika

I want to giggle... I love this. It is wonderful. Happy Anniversary


----------



## arbitrator

*SA: I absolutely love this and am greatly wishing you and your hubby a marvelous 24th Anniversary!

With all of our love and best wishes from the great Republic of Texas!*


----------



## SimplyAmorous

French Fry ...appreciate the "freaking" in your comment ! 



drerio said:


> I want to giggle... I love this. It is wonderful. Happy Anniversary


Giggle Drerio - now that is an odd reaction - but I like it ! ... Also thank you for asking to hear our story as well...you gave me a little kick. 



arbitrator said:


> *SA: I absolutely love this and am greatly wishing you and your hubby a marvelous 24th Anniversary!
> 
> With all of our love and best wishes from the great Republic of Texas!*


When I 1st read this, I read it Wrong, I thought you said the "great ROMANTIC of Texas" -- ha ha ....after all I know YOU ARE ONE. 

I think I penned our whole story without using the term Romance once, not sure how that happened! 



Thundarr said:


> I love this snipit. It shows the thought process that makes you the person you are SimplyAmorous; someone I admire and respect.


 Awe I LIKE your comment & for picking out a specific snipit. 

I once gave this little phrase on TAM yrs ago ...at the top of my head.... and AFEH (I miss his articulate posts!)...he really liked it...which kinda gave me a double take as getting a compliment out of him was a rare thing indeed !.... This kinda sums me up >>
"*I LIVE to THINK.. but to FEEL is to be ALIVE*"...



Coffee Amore said:


> He really is "your home", isn't he?


Just like the words to "*This I promise you*"...



> And when I look in your eyes
> All of my life is before me
> And I'm not running anymore
> 'Cause I already know I'm home
> With every beat of my heart
> I'll give you my love completely
> My darling, this I promise you


----------



## arbitrator

SimplyAmorous said:


> When I 1st read this, I read it Wrong, I thought you said the "great ROMANTIC of Texas" -- ha ha ....after all I know YOU ARE ONE.
> 
> I think I penned our whole story without using the term Romance once, not sure how that happened!


*No romance, exactly, for this ole boy down here in Central Texas ~ just the standard continued threats of litigation from the other side!*


----------



## Ikaika

I meant my original response in the nicest way. I like the originality you put into all your post. This one was one of my favorites. I do thank you for telling your story.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

arbitrator said:


> *No romance, exactly, for this ole boy down here in Central Texas ~ just the standard continued threats of litigation from the other side!*


Oh I dare KNOW - NOT with THAT woman ! 

But no matter what you've been through ...Arbitrator.....you seem to hold on to a spirit of HOPE ...for a new day.. a new woman, someone worth your efforts....it never seems to die...I get that from your posts, *always positive* ....even in the midst of DIRE relationship issues that have dragged you down in the pits.... you have a resilience about you....I know this is your belief in God above also. 

Sorry you are still going through ALL of this!!


----------



## hambone

That's a wonderful love story.. You have a way with words...

You definitely get the award for most colorful poster.

Happy Anniversary!


Having a loving and fulfilling marriage is the greatest thing in the world.


----------



## I Notice The Details

Simply Amorous, 

Happy Anniversary! You have so many gifts and such a kind heart. I will always appreciate how you show your passion in every post. The world needs more people like you. Your story is very inspirational. Thank you for sharing, and congratulations to a great couple!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely, 

I Notice The Details


----------



## Caribbean Man

hambone said:


> *Having a loving and fulfilling marriage is the greatest thing in the world.*


And no amount of money can buy that!


Happy Anniversary to you and your Husband SA.
You have what many , many , many people here on TAM , and in the world don't have and wish they could have.

A marriage to live for, a big >> HAPPY<< family and a husband who loves and adores you.

Your past experiences in life has shaped both you and your husbands into the persons you are today, you desired a _better_ life, and made the necessary sacrifices for it.
Your posts and story have inspired me in the past and still continues to do so.

Best [ belated  ] Anniversary wishes to you both.

Here's one of my favourite love songs by Sting , in honour of you and your husband's 24th..

Sting - Fields Of Gold.

_" You can tell the sun in it's jealous sky,
That we walked in fields of gold."_


----------



## john_lord_b3

Mrs. SA, from the bottom of my heart I salute you and Mr. SA!

*Bowing*

May Allah gives you and your family much luck and happiness for more and more years to come!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Caribbean Man said:


> Here's one of my favourite love songs by Sting , in honour of you and your husband's 24th..
> 
> Sting - Fields Of Gold.
> 
> _" You can tell the sun in it's jealous sky,
> That we walked in fields of gold."_


You know I have heard this song so many times over the years - but never really stopped & listened to it's words or contemplated it's meaning...

The picture in my mind is ...very beautiful ... since I am a Country girl after all...something like this...










Love how it's got the Romance in it...and children running as the sun goes down...those seasons in our lives...Breathe it all in.



> See the west wind move like a lover so
> Upon the fields of barley
> Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
> Among the fields of gold
> I never made promises lightly
> And there have been some that I've broken
> But I swear in the days still left
> We'll walk in fields of gold
> We'll walk in fields of gold
> 
> Many years have passed since those summer days
> Among the fields of barley
> See the children run as the sun goes down
> Among the fields of gold
> You'll remember me when the west wind moves
> Upon the fields of barley
> You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
> When we walked in fields of gold
> When we walked in fields of gold


You are going to make me Ball damn it...just kidding...well really I am not.. but it's all good!


----------



## arbitrator

*Simply: You're simply living my long-forgotten-about dream! May our Heavenly Father continue to bless you, your loving marital union, and your beautiful family!*


----------



## Caribbean Man

SimplyAmorous said:


> .
> 
> The picture in my mind is ...very beautiful ... since I am a Country girl after all...something like this...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *Love how it's got the Romance in it...and children running as the sun goes down...those seasons in our lives...Breathe it all in.*


Thanks for all the thoughtful posts you've always posted here on TAM.
I can't ever recall seeing a post from you that didn't have the high ideals of love , trust , family and honour in it.

You are a beautiful person, have a good, loving husband and a beautiful family.

Life_ is _beautiful...
Just live it!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Caribbean Man said:


> Thanks for all the thoughtful posts you've always posted here on TAM.
> *I can't ever recall seeing a post from you that didn't have the high ideals of love , trust , family and honour in it.*


 I just restrain myself when something gets under my skin here... oh and it does... I feel the heat rising at times...though I love those posts !! I am drawn to formulate a response that, hopefully keeps the dialog open and won't cause a defense... as when it goes there... you've lost their ear...that's not easy to get back once the wall goes up.

Something I didn't mention in my growing up years...

Those 2 yrs I lived with my mother, I was a ROYAL BRAT Caribbean Man.... she never disciplined me at all .... I have a strong willed temperament ... I needed my mouth washed out with soap more than a handful of times......really it was a blessing my Father got a hold of me...or who knows what I might have turned out like ! 

I am not all sweetness & nice ...our kids would set you all straight...probably start to laugh even....in an endearing way though...

Maybe this will shed some light...one morning... I was getting the kids ready for school... this was yrs ago now.....he was up there laying in bed....he comes down the steps and tells me he could hear me up there & I reminded him of this commercial >> 

Geico Drill Sargent Therapist Commercial - YouTube.... that was a good one ! ...


----------



## Ikaika

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just restrain myself when something gets under my skin here... oh and it does... I feel the heat rising at times...though I love those posts !! I am drawn to formulate a response that, hopefully keeps the dialog open and won't cause a defense... as when it goes there... you've lost their ear...that's not easy to get back once the wall goes up.
> 
> Something I didn't mention in my growing up years...
> 
> Those 2 yrs I lived with my mother, I was a ROYAL BRAT Caribbean Man.... she never disciplined me at all .... I have a strong willed temperament ... I needed my mouth washed out with soap more than a handful of times......really it was a blessing my Father got a hold of me...or who knows what I might have turned out like !
> 
> *I am not all sweetness & nice* ...our kids would set you all straight...probably start to laugh even....in an endearing way though...


 Please say it isn't so. Don't burst that bubble, I kid. 

You feared your story would raise the ire of so many "look at SA again talking about her fairy tale life  " Funny I don't see anyone singing this song of your hopeful demise. To the contrary, your story is what so many want and need to hear, another successful long-term marriage. It may be different from other stories in this forum, but this project is important. I hope you spend as much time continuing to enlighten us on your journey as you spend on other threads. Once again, thank you. 


ETA: I may not address every issue you bring up, but I nonetheless read all of it.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Thank you for sharing all of this, SA. You are such an inspiration! I wish I had met mine when we were young and had a hundred babies, too.


----------



## SA's husband

SimplyAmorous said:


> .......


That's our living room!

It all started when I was sitting at lunch back in high school, for some reason my 3 friends were absent that day, so I was sitting alone at the table.

At the table across from me were some girls, one of them knew me, she must have felt bad for me sitting alone and invited me over to sit with them. Thats when I saw the most beautiful girl of my life, we started talking and we got along well. Everyday we sat together, she was friendly so I took a risk, I asked her to go with me thinking I will probably get shot down, but it is worth A try. But wow she said yes! 

As I got to know her I found out her life was not all roses, and wanted her to have all the things a person deserves probably because my life was so good and I have a good nature. So I took her out and showed her a good time, bought her some nice things. I think that is why she is so great and thankful for the things she has today.

Every year she gets better like a fine wine, we want all the same things in life, enjoy our kids, quiet country living. I look forward to the rest of our lives together, and sitting in our rocking chairs remanissing about old times. 

I love you SA.


----------



## TBT

There's not a lot I can say.Wow and beautiful.Wishing you both continued health and happiness on your 24th anniversary and that many more blessings come your way! I can only imagine how inspired your children,family and friends are at having you both in all their lives.You brought to mind Cole Porter.
Anything Goes (2011 Broadway Revival) - You're The Top - YouTube


----------



## john_lord_b3

Mr. and Mrs. SA restores my faith of the better future for humanity


----------



## betulanana

I loved to read your story.
What an encouragement! I still do not know how to "like" here, but if I could, I would.


----------



## TBT

betulanana said:


> I loved to read your story.
> What an encouragement! I still do not know how to "like" here, but if I could, I would.


Just click on the blue like where it says Like/Share at the bottom right on post.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

TBT said:


> There's not a lot I can say.Wow and beautiful.Wishing you both continued health and happiness on your 24th anniversary and that many more blessings come your way! I can only imagine how inspired your children,family and friends are at having you both in all their lives.You brought to mind Cole Porter.
> Anything Goes (2011 Broadway Revival) - You're The Top - YouTube


Awe  TBT ...I remember that time you dedicated a song to us.. I liked that too!

He was walking past & we watched that together earlier......some of those "You're a ____, "You're a Turkey Dinner".... (chucked at that one)..."If I'm the bottom you're the Top" he said he wasn't sure he'd want to be Ovaltine....he never liked that stuff... ha ha 

We've never been to a Broadway Play in our lives...maybe someday.


----------



## CharlieParker

Happy anniversary! That's for sharing, here but also all over TAM.

And a big thank you to SA's Husband, I always like hearing your side.


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> I realized suddenly how we were neglecting *US*...we were too busy playing "FAMILY"...
> 
> Suddenly HE became my Dopamine RUSH... I couldn't get enough....he couldn't keep up! I started questioning *his desire* ....this was a bit tormenting for me....I was ANTSY...the tables were turned on their head here..... But as we always Do...hand in hand we waded through this together...joined TAM during that craziness....


Happy Anniversary to the both of you!!! Too bad I didn't see this on your actual anniversary. 

You really nailed it with your OP. Every marriage has its issues and problems. The key is to work through them together not separately and via that comes the staying power. Once you've establish the communication from a major issue tackleing others becomes easier. Not less painful but easier.

The issue you mention above about too much family time and not enough US time resonates with me strongly. I think this is a common issue to overcome and I certainly identify with it. The kind of communication you have developed because of it is awesome and something for me to aspire to in my marriage.

Thanks for sharing your story!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> Happy Anniversary to the both of you!!! Too bad I didn't see this on your actual anniversary.


 It's funny, every post is wishing  like Wildfire ... but really it's not for another 13 days! 



> You really nailed it with your OP. Every marriage has its issues and problems. The key is to work through them together not separately and via that comes the staying power. *Once you've establish the communication from a major issue tackleing others becomes easier. Not less painful but easier*.


 Honestly , it may not make much sense ....cause it's a bit weird, but the *ONLY THING* we didn't talk about openly was >> ... it was our Biggest blunder. I was a bit repressed due to too much "*good girl*" thinking... add his being so very sensitive in the sexual... he is a Sensual Giver... sure he wants his own...but it's always been about my pleasure primarily..... then adding the "monkey wrench" of trying to conceive years on end.... I think this explains some of it... my focus was elsewhere...  to say. 

But when we DID ... it was pure HEAVEN getting lost in each other... I was "over the top" satisfied, and so was he.... so what was there to talk about [email protected]#$ He just wanted MORE of that !! ...and I needed a brick to my head...

For some reason I had it in my psyche...once I got mine, I was "good" for so many days...till those sweet waves of lust came over me & I needed it....I was never passive when I felt like that....I'd chase him down.... He liked that! 

We could have re-lit that fire every night ..doggone it.... I was never tired...I've always had an abundance of energy..... .never used the "head ache" excuse once.... it was more .....I had a book in my hands ... or a  in between us..



> The issue you mention above about too much family time and not enough US time resonates with me strongly. I think this is a common issue to overcome and I certainly identify with it. The kind of communication you have developed because of it is awesome and something for me to aspire to in my marriage.


 Yes, this is so very common... so many stories.....though too often it seems the woman *is* stressed & tired.... I never was.. I did however have too many "Home Projects" on the brain....trying to save $$, we were BIG "Do it yourselfers" ...

I was always right there with the tool belt strapped around my waist...or laying under the truck holding a work light....whatever was needed, I was his helper. We installed a wood coal furnace one year, built a chimney...Price of gas was getting out of hand for the house we lived in.... then we spent so much time gathering wood, sawing up trees...here is our wood pile that 1st year...before he started splitting it...










So these things too...took our focus off of enjoying the Sheer pleasures .....then when those babies started coming one after another .....I went a little overboard being the "Happy Mama"... just so much *Gratitude* there... 

My Great Aunt offered to Babysit when we had #5.... she insisted, so we could get out by ourselves.... I remember looking at him across the table in the restaurant & this thought occurred to me...if not about the kids, what do we talk about ??... It should have HIT me then... but it didn't!

Yet...we were still amazingly close...every night we'd watch "Life Time" movies together, my head laying on his lap while he twirled my hair....I still felt like we had it all.


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's funny, every post is wishing  like Wildfire ... but really it's not for another 13 days!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My Great Aunt offered to Babysit when we had #5.... she insisted, so we could get out by ourselves.... I remember looking at him across the table in the restaurant & this thought occurred to me...if not about the kids, what do we talk about ??... It should have HIT me then... but it didn't!
> 
> Yet...we were still amazingly close...every night we'd watch "Life Time" movies together, my head laying on his lap while he twirled my hair....I still felt like we had it all.


What's 13 days from 24 years, about 99.9%. That's close enough. 

Your Aunt is very wise to have insisted. These are the people who can really make a difference and should be treasured.


----------



## Caribbean Man

SimplyAmorous said:


> *I was always right there with the tool belt strapped around my waist...or laying under the truck holding a work light....whatever was needed, I was his helper.  ...here is our wood pile that 1st year...before he started splitting it...*


Real WOMAN ^^^POWER!
That's the kind of woman most men wished they had married.

When I use the term _" strong , independent woman," _this is what I am thinking of. A woman who can, and is willing to support herself and her man anywhere , anytime or in any circumstance, for the betterment of their marriage and their family.

When two poeple in a relationship work towards a common goal, and face challenges together , side by side, it helps to form bonds that are not easily broken.
whatever internal problems may come in the relationship, negative feelings and so on, they are put into proper perspective , and they work on it TOGETHER.


----------



## RandomDude

Happy Annivesary SA 

If anything your relationship with your husband is one I could consider true love. It's something I don't know if I've ever or will experience. I also find your story in regards to your childhood inspiring, as I do hope my daughter won't be affected negatively by STBXW or our impending divorce.

Besides, you came out alright, hopefully my daughter will too!

LOL about your drivers test btw


----------



## hambone

SimplyAmorous; said:


> Yes, this is so very common... so many stories.....though too often it seems the woman *is* stressed & tired.... I never was.. I did however have too many "Home Projects" on the brain....trying to save $$, we were BIG "Do it yourselfers" ...
> 
> *I was always right there with the tool belt strapped around my waist...or laying under the truck holding a work light....whatever was needed, I was his helper. * We installed a wood coal furnace one year, built a chimney...Price of gas was getting out of hand for the house we lived in.... then we spent so much time gathering wood, sawing up trees...here is our wood pile that 1st year...before he started splitting it...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> So these things too...took our focus off of enjoying the Sheer pleasures .....then when those babies started coming one after another .....I went a little overboard being the "Happy Mama"... just so much *Gratitude* there...
> 
> My Great Aunt offered to Babysit when we had #5.... she insisted, so we could get out by ourselves.... I remember looking at him across the table in the restaurant & this thought occurred to me...if not about the kids, what do we talk about ??... It should have HIT me then... but it didn't!
> 
> Yet...we were still amazingly close...every night we'd watch "Life Time" movies together, my head laying on his lap while he twirled my hair....I still felt like we had it all.


We are big DIY'ers also. We rehabed a lot of rental property. And my wife was right there with me every step of the way....

One time, we we needed to move a huge cabinet... that was loaded. I'm standing there scratching my head.. thinking about could we possibly move it without unloading it... It was on carpet. Thinking about putting a towel under one end and pulling it while she pushed or visa versa...

My wasn't wasting. From the waste down, she was strong as an ox. Unbelievable strength in her legs.

We only needed to move it about a foot or so.

She doesn't wait.  She squeezes herself between the side wall and the cabinet... her butt is against the side wall and her feet are up against the cabinet. I'm not even aware that she's moving on without me. Next thing I know. The cabinet is moving... It goes about 3 inches and I hear a big "POP!"

Son of a gun. She has done pushed her butt through the sheet rock... 

And, what do I do? I make a joke. I tell her, "well, the GOOD news is that your butt is more than 16 inches wide... are you have pushed a whole in the other side of the wall".

For those that don't know... the studs in a wall are 16 inches a part. 


I put a 2x4 up next to the wall and she moved that cabinet right on down to where she wanted it.





How long after you had your children did you resume relations with your husband. Doctor told me to wait 4-6 weeks or something about that. My wife lasted 9 days... only because I absolutely refused earlier overtures!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

RandomDude said:


> Happy Annivesary SA
> 
> If anything your relationship with your husband is one I could consider true love. It's something I don't know if I've ever or will experience. *I also find your story in regards to your childhood inspiring, as I do hope my daughter won't be affected negatively by STBXW or our impending divorce.*
> 
> Besides, you came out alright, hopefully my daughter will too!
> 
> LOL about your drivers test btw


 Children can be amazingly *Resilient*...if they have just 1 shining role model growing up (My Grandmother was that for me)...it helps.

If your daughter is a stubborn little tyke...(I bet she is!)... so long as she sets her feet on a right path...who she hangs with growing up - how utterly important [email protected]#$ ...... Oh so much HOPE there... Teach her to reason & weigh every step....talk about it .... be there for her... don't be afraid to speak where YOU missed it either... too many parents fear being honest with their kids - due to their screw ups... we're all human & we FVck up sometimes... *be REAL*, there is "*respect*" in that. 

Ya know.... I may have had my issues growing up, but boy when I had a choice in any matter, I was my own woman... I never followed the crowd....I independently thought my way through choices before me. 

Some may feel I was foolish for not going to College & all that... but one thing I learned from my mother was also this.... She did what others WANTED of her, instead of what SHE really wanted in life....her 's desire..... She was an Honor student, she WANTED to go to College, but her Mother was hounding her to marry my Dad cause they were messing around...My dad the more Romantic one - who loved & wanted to get married.. so both of them, just 18....went to the Justice of the Peace... 

She hated being tied down, she wanted her freedom...though she did enjoy ME ....she was NEVER in love with my father..and caused him a world of Frustration......she was NOT happy...I remember the fights..... it took her best friend who owned a Horse Farm next door to enlighten her one day...saying "look around ME...what do you see....Horses...this is my life, I'm happy"







....how we need to follow our hearts, not conform to please others......what they think is BEST for us... "do what you love ______, to hell with everyone else"... she said ... even though for her it was a bit late....she kinda messed up in every which way imaginable... 

I took this lesson with me too....my mother never afraid to share her failings.. she'd give them to me on a platter....very humble about it...even though I was, in effect, a complete 180 from her ....I wanted the simple life, kids, country home, the loving husband thing going on. That would have bored her to tears...... 

So many times when I see her today... she will say to me "You are just like your father" ....I was always very logical / commonsensical...to the point of annoying her.... she lived by the seat of her pants..... She says she doesn't regret her life though, it's been an "adventure" she otherwise would have missed....... I guess I should  about that... 

For us all... we need to live our Passion whatever that is....just use *wisdom* as we follow our dreams....One of my favorite quotes here >>



May the Heavens watch over your dear daughter ... with a name like hers, let her do it justice. Very special. 

 Random Dude !


----------



## MEM2020

SA,
This is like a page ripped from the book 'Cold Mountain'. 

What a great picture of you two. 






SimplyAmorous said:


> *When we met*.... his family was so wonderful...yet I remember feeling a little jealous of the LOVE he grew up with ....I felt outside of that, did I belong...am I good enough -them learning I come from a broken home, a screwed up Mother who abandoned me...observing his older sister & Mom's closeness ...a little envy rose in me...as it was something ripped from my life.....
> 
> Even his little brother annoyed me & I'd shoo him away (& the poor kid LIKED me)...I had an attitude at times, a bit of a rough exterior....I was still trying to deal with some of my anger ...I carried some "chips on my shoulder" ...I think I just wanted to feel Loved... like so many of us... a place to belong... something I could count on....
> 
> He seemed to overlook all of this, or loved me in spite of it - he would say I am exaggerating here, that I wasn't THAT bad... (but I remember.. picking up my teen diary one day  I CRINGED reading some of it... I'd be ashamed if my kids got a hold of that! In fact I hid it, and now I can't find the darn thing....It's a case where ~ I've come a long way Baby!
> 
> It's like he knew I was *wounded inside* in some ways.. & he was going to turn that around, teach me a new way....He made it so easy to bare my .... I gave him access to every vulnerable place, every fear, every imperfection, every quirk, I knew I was safe in his arms....this is where he saw my *sensitive side*...I was a young girl of many "facets"...
> 
> He answered every love note I penned (even when he didn't care for writing)... he took me shopping to the Mall/ spent $ on me...anywhere I wanted to go - he made it happen.... he came to see me on icy back roads (I should have never allowed this!)...
> 
> It was HE who taught me to drive, then I wrecked his car ~ on the way to take my Drivers test ! ...he didn't even get  (roads were slick - I was fiddling with the radio going up a winding hill & went down an embankment into a tree -YIKES)... tow truck pulled us out....still ran, so we drove there anyway & I passed ! ....Had my 1st accident & got my license within hours of each other ! Just one of our silly stories.
> 
> I think it fits I was pretty much a "*Damsel in Distress*" back then....and he my *White Knight *....who found me at age 15...
> 
> ....
> 
> *Because of HIS presence in my life*...I started feeling the world was a beautiful place again ... it held promise...not everyone was a dysfunctional wreck... that dreams CAN come true....we both seemed to fulfill something in each other... the yin & the yang...My husband has ALWAYS been that ROCK for me...
> 
> Looking over our past, I couldn't recall a time he "let me down"....so I mentioned this to him one night randomly ....he immediately shoots back... "Yes I did...that time I was late picking you up after school & you got grounded".....He felt horrible about that.... this was 30 some yrs ago!...I didn't even remember it....but he carried it.
> 
> What a tremendous man I married, and he is the humblest I've ever known...couldn't boast on himself to save his own life...but boy don't get me started!
> 
> 24 yrs ago...it's been a beautiful journey....I owe this ALL to my husband...
> he's the one with the  Halo ...Me I can still pick up the horns now & then >


----------



## MEM2020

QFT





Caribbean Man said:


> Real WOMAN ^^^POWER!
> That's the kind of woman most men wished they had married.
> 
> When I use the term _" strong , independent woman," _this is what I am thinking of. A woman who can, and is willing to support herself and her man anywhere , anytime or in any circumstance, for the betterment of their marriage and their family.
> 
> When two poeple in a relationship work towards a common goal, and face challenges together , side by side, it helps to form bonds that are not easily broken.
> whatever internal problems may come in the relationship, negative feelings and so on, they are put into proper perspective , and they work on it TOGETHER.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Simply Amorous,

Can I ask you a favour?

This is your thread so I'm asking you.

Can you please repost the before and after picks of that gazebo thingy which you said your husband built from start to finish at the back of your house?

If I remember it was on a thread in social [ last year ] which might have been deleted.
I really liked the look of it and the little story you posted about it!

Hope I'm not asking too much
Please?


----------



## MEM2020

SA,
The first time I really 'heard' this song - it totally 'imprinted'. 

I can't seem to grab the link. If you go to youtube.com and search for: studio 60 fields of gold

You will see: Matt and Harriet, Fields of Gold






SimplyAmorous said:


> You know I have heard this song so many times over the years - but never really stopped & listened to it's words or contemplated it's meaning...
> 
> The picture in my mind is ...very beautiful ... since I am a Country girl after all...something like this...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Love how it's got the Romance in it...and children running as the sun goes down...those seasons in our lives...Breathe it all in.
> 
> 
> 
> You are going to make me Ball damn it...just kidding...well really I am not.. but it's all good!


----------



## Caribbean Man

MEM11363 said:


> SA,
> The first time I really 'heard' this song - it totally 'imprinted'.
> 
> I can't seem to grab the link. If you go to youtube.com and search for: studio 60 fields of gold
> 
> You will see: Matt and Harriet, Fields of Gold


Here's the link for Sting's version.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Caribbean Man said:


> Simply Amorous,
> 
> Can I ask you a favour?
> 
> This is your thread so I'm asking you.
> 
> *Can you please repost the before and after picks of that gazebo thingy which you said your husband built from start to finish at the back of your house*?


No Gazebo's.. at least a Nice Large Wooden one...that's still on our "wanted list" ...maybe throw in an outdoor hot tub while we're at it... Still dreaming...

You must be thinking of our 2 story Play set....with a trapped door, a bucket on the side with a pulley to transport snacks & Sand box underneath... anything for the kids ya know!

We built this same set TWICE...one at our 2nd house in 1995...(only lived there 2 years till the "Neighbors from Hell" moved in - I'll have to share that story.....as it turned out one of the greater blessings imaginable... Funny how things work out like that !! 

We found the plans for this in







...thought it would be "unique"... It helped get the price we wanted out of the house when we sold it ...as we told them we want THIS MUCH or we're taking it with us.... we got our price! 










When we moved... it was the only thing we MISSED... a few more kids now...so we built it all over again... but changed the slide color and used a different climber...

This one was built in 2002 (but this pic was just a couple yrs back).....


----------



## SimplyAmorous

MEM11363 said:


> SA,
> The first time I really 'heard' this song - it totally 'imprinted'.


I found this >> Studio 60 - Matt and Harriet with Sting's 'Fields of Gold' - Video Dailymotion



> SA,
> *This is like a page ripped from the book 'Cold Mountain'*.


I seen Cold Mountain  years ago...I remember it being  & much War going on, the kids were distracting me, I think I missed it's deeper message somehow... 

On Amazon....it says ..."When boiled down to it, "Cold Mountain" is simply a beautiful testament of the human soul's fierce will to survive and, as corny as it sounds, the power of love. If it weren't for their love, neither Ada nor Inman would have found the will and courage to survive after their lives had been shattered by the brutalities of war." Anything with the "Power of Love" shaking it up... so enjoy those type movies...


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Caribbean Man said:


> *When I use the term " strong , independent woman," this is what I am thinking of*.* A woman who can, and is willing to support herself and her man anywhere , anytime or in any circumstance, for the betterment of their marriage and their family.*
> 
> *When two poeple in a relationship work towards a common goal, and face challenges together , side by side, it helps to form bonds that are not easily broken.
> whatever internal problems may come in the relationship, negative feelings and so on, they are put into proper perspective , and they work on it TOGETHER*.


 Of course I appreciate your words here...you are speaking of a term I so often talk about on this forum...and it's meaning....a healthy *INTER-dependence* with each other..... Though I must admit, so often I associate "strong & Independent" with "Financial" Independence ...as this is often talked about on TAM. 

Which really... I can't boast....I am just very Thankful to be in a position where he supports & has always honored my contribution ... I so want to carry my own weight & then some -to make his life as carefree as I can...*this benefits us both*...plus we have more *TIME *for each other...for the *FUN* stuff !

.. I have issues with feeling like "a burden"..one might say.... if that comes on me...then something's got to give! 

I offer this article which speaks of what you are talking about about Caribbean Man..(see one can learn in my thread too!)....








Increasing Intimacy in Marriage










> Intimacy is an important part of a vibrant, loving marriage. Intimacy can be experienced at many levels, including:
> 
> Physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, financial and recreational. Intimacy is nurtured through mutual trust, tenderness, acceptance, open communication, caring, apologies, forgiveness and respecting boundaries.
> 
> Couples can work together to increase their intimacy in each area as they build their marriage through the years





> *Interdependence*
> 
> Imagine for a moment that you and your spouse are standing with the palms of your hands together and leaning against each other with all of your weight. Together, you look like an upside-down “V.” If one of you becomes tired and stops leaning, the other topples over. Similarly, a spouse who depends completely on the other person runs the risk of exhausting the partner and causing him or her to back away. Without the other spouse’s support, the dependent spouse would crumble to the ground.
> 
> Now imagine that you and your spouse are standing up straight and holding hands. You lean in a little, but only enough that you support a portion of one another’s weight. If one or the other or you moves, you won’t fall. You’re responsible for most of your own weight, but you’re still connected to your spouse and lean in for extra support from time to time.
> 
> As this analogy shows, over-dependence in marriage can lead spouses to become tired and resentful of carrying the burden for the other’s happiness. Over-dependence creates feelings of powerlessness and weakness because your happiness is in someone else’s hands.
> 
> Complete independence is also unhealthy because it causes spouses to feel unneeded and lonely. Interdependence is a balance between over-dependence and independence. In an interdependent marriage, spouses feel needed without being overburdened. They feel a sense of freedom and power, understanding that their happiness is in their control and not in the hands of another person.


 I may have lacked a little Dirtiness under the sheets in the past..(silly comparison here).... but in the Garage /wherever ...I've always been one to pull up my sleeves, and roll around in the grime.... I was in the cement up to my knees a few years ago... right along with all the guys....while I grabbed my camera in between what they needed me to do....so happy to get that done, busting up a large section of our uphill driveway with sledgehammers was a grueling process... so happy to get those wooden forms done for the BIG Mixer delivery ! We saved a ton of $$ doing that ourselves.


----------



## Caribbean Man

_" Interdependence

Imagine for a moment that you and your spouse are standing with the palms of your hands together and leaning against each other with all of your weight. Together, you look like an upside-down “V.” If one of you becomes tired and stops leaning, the other topples over. Similarly, a spouse who depends completely on the other person runs the risk of exhausting the partner and causing him or her to back away. Without the other spouse’s support, the dependent spouse would crumble to the ground. 

Now imagine that you and your spouse are standing up straight and holding hands. You lean in a little, but only enough that you support a portion of one another’s weight. If one or the other or you moves, you won’t fall. You’re responsible for most of your own weight, but you’re still connected to your spouse and lean in for extra support from time to time.

As this analogy shows, over-dependence in marriage can lead spouses to become tired and resentful of carrying the burden for the other’s happiness. Over-dependence creates feelings of powerlessness and weakness because your happiness is in someone else’s hands. "_

I remember before we were married , we did pre marital counselling and also did a few marriage seminars after marriage.

This subject came up very early, Interdependence.
I remember at a workshop / seminar for newly weds , the presenter made us do this exact exrcise, but we were blindfolded and had to clasp each other'e hands and gradually lean in.
Of course I was extra careful because I'm much bigger than her.

But I learned a vital lesson about interdependence during that session.


----------



## hambone

I don't have any good pictures of it... BUT, I guilt my kids a B-25 bomber fort. It had a tricycle undercarriage. Under the fuselage, I hung 3 swings. Had a slide and a fireman's pole. I used 5 gallon pickle barrels for the engine nacelles and built propellers out of PVC. 

The frame was wood and I covered with green coroplast. 

The landing gear legs were 4X4 post. I cut hole in the tires for nose wheel. Bolted the main gear tires to the post with lag bolts and painted round plywood to look like the hubs on the wheels.

The front in was the hardest part. I used electrical conduit to to bend into the proper shape. Then cut the coroplast and shaped it, gluing the corpolast back together with strips of vinyl and PVC glue.

If you're not familiar with coroplast... it's plastic that is made like corrugated card board. You see a lot of yard signs made out of it.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Caribbean Man said:


> I remember before we were married , we did pre marital counselling and also did a few marriage seminars after marriage.
> 
> This subject came up very early, Interdependence.
> *I remember at a workshop / seminar for newly weds , the presenter made us do this exact exrcise, but we were blindfolded and had to clasp each other'e hands and gradually lean in.
> Of course I was extra careful because I'm much bigger than her.*
> 
> But I learned a vital lesson about interdependence during that session.


How cool is that... I've never heard of the WORD *INterDependence *until AHEF put a link on here in regards to effective Communication and I felt it was explained so damn good, I was plastering it all over TAM. Then I started reading more about that word.... 

But how cool is that -that this very exercise was used! 



> *Hambone said: *I don't have any good pictures of it... BUT, I built my kids *a B-25 bomber fort.* It had a tricycle undercarriage. Under the fuselage, I hung 3 swings. Had a slide and a fireman's pole. I used 5 gallon pickle barrels for the engine nacelles and built propellers out of PVC.
> 
> The frame was wood and I covered with green coroplast.
> 
> The landing gear legs were 4X4 post. I cut hole in the tires for nose wheel. Bolted the main gear tires to the post with lag bolts and painted round plywood to look like the hubs on the wheels.
> 
> The front in was the hardest part. I used electrical conduit to to bend into the proper shape. Then cut the coroplast and shaped it, gluing the corpolast back together with strips of vinyl and PVC glue.
> 
> If you're not familiar with coroplast... it's plastic that is made like corrugated card board. You see a lot of yard signs made out of it.


 Now that was DARN creative Hambone :smthumbup:...all that foresight, bending, gluing, time spent for this unique FORT , a one of a kind....for the kids...sounds like someone took a picture anyway !! Maybe it didn't turn out so well....Bummer.. but still you have something...


My husband built his own Tree house when he was a kid, Mom never took a picture... Him and a friend was a 2 headed ROBOT for Halloween once... NO PICTURE !  ....he had 2 GF's , no pictures... honestly... I'd like to scold her....but of course I never did....It just would have been so much FUN seeing more memories of his growing up years... frozen in time....


----------



## hambone

My wife took this image after I started taring it down.




The wings are already off of it. You can see where the ring roots were connected to the fuselage. And, the slide is already off of it.


----------



## waiwera

Aw.... this thread just made me want to go hug my man.

Thanks SA another awe inspiring post from you.

xx


----------



## RandomDude

Heh thanks SA, my daughter is indeed tough, but she is still very, very young. I try to keep her out of the crossfire as much as possible.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

hambone said:


> My wife took this image after I started taring it down.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The wings are already off of it. You can see where the ring roots were connected to the fuselage. And, the slide is already off of it.


*Now that is one of a Kind Hambone [email protected]#$%*.......Husband looked, he said " that's pretty cool, that'd take a lot of KNOW HOW to construct something like that".... and he asked if you are a Professional Carpenter? ....We'd need some sort of instructions to be that original !

You really went OUT OF YOUR WAY for your kids ! Thank you for sharing .... Smart wife you have to grab this Photo before it was all taken down.  Memories of those FUN places ...is great when you grow up, to show their kids too.



> *waiwera said*: ... this thread just made me want to go hug my man.
> 
> Thanks SA another awe inspiring post from you.


 Always happy to hear something I write has an EFFECT like this !


----------



## Caribbean Man

hambone said:


> My wife took this image after I started taring it down.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The wings are already off of it. You can see where the ring roots were connected to the fuselage. And, the slide is already off of it.


Man ,
Your kids are lucky!
They probably had the time of their life in that B-52 " bomber."


I remember when I was a kid, we too had a kind of contraption we built and called it a " tree house."
Lol,
I remember the only rule was " no girls allowed " into the tree house.
One day my sister got mad because of that rule and destroyed it when we were at the neighbours.


----------



## Convection

Absolutely beautiful, SA! Congrats and here's hoping for another 24 great years!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt

SimplyAmorous

First I want to say that the picture of your son in that wheel barrel full of apples is as about pure American goodness that you can get in a picture; truly a Norman Rockwell picture! Made me feel warm all over;* yes there is goodness in this world and a beautiful boy in a wheel barrel full of apples in the country side is as about as good as it gets!*

Grandma, the porch, and the rest of the family is another Rockwell picture that to me demonstrates the backbone of America; the *family that endures together.*


The picture of you and hubby sparks energy in me! *Two very good looking young people holding hands and smiling; WOW!! *Your hubby was never popular with the girls? Humm, why not? SA your picture is one that is saying, “I got me a good one and I am very optimistic about our future” 


SA, it is so refreshing to read your posts. TAMers, here is a marriage that has a 24 year history with 6 children and you would think they were in high school and had a huge crush on each other! It is also very encouraging because SA did not have the best childhood yet what richness is now in her life. *This TAM board needs SA, her husband, and family because it gets a little depressing reading all the bad marriages sometimes*. 

I can tell you one thing and that is that I bet there are a lot of husbands that would love to have their wife feel and act towards them like SA does her husband! These two seem to make the statement of “They are like wine they get better with age” a reality! Here reprinted below is a few lines from SA about her husband of 24 years




> Again he proved he is my Hero...in how he handled me / loved me through this phase as well....
> 
> I think it fits I was pretty much a "Damsel in Distress" back then....and he my White Knight ....who found me at age 15...
> 
> What a tremendous man I married, and he is the humblest I've ever known...couldn't boast on himself to save his own life...but boy don't get me started!
> 
> 24 yrs ago...it's been a beautiful journey....I owe this ALL to my husband...



*WOW!!!!!*


----------



## Stonewall

Happy anniversary you two crazy kids! Or from what you described it might be better to call it Idependence day! It sounds like you really had it tough and I'm willing to bet there is much more hard times you didnt fill us in on. Probably best that you held some of those things back anyway. My wife had it tough to not unsimilar to you and of course I found her at almost 15 too. 

Well actually I found her at 13 and we met again at 15 but thats a whole other story. I don't want to thread jack so I'll leave that there. Great story you have there. Just wait till you have a house full of grands. It aint that far of now sister!


----------



## heartsbeating

Aww you have me all misty-eyed over here.

How wonderful to read this. Thank you! 

Happy 24th year celebrations to you both. You have such a big heart SA and I admire that so much.


----------



## Conrad

heartsbeating said:


> Aww you have me all misty-eyed over here.
> 
> How wonderful to read this. Thank you!
> 
> Happy 24th year celebrations to you both. You have such a big heart SA and I admire that so much.


I'll second that


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I was the Matron of Honor in a dear Friend's Wedding yesterday.......been friends since 9th grade...I can't tell you how Happy/ excited for her I was for *THIS day*, to stand beside her & share in this JOY.....I've been with her through every "GUY" heartbreak...it's more than any woman should have to endure.... 

What seemed her "soul mate" in high school was killed in a car accident (what a great guy but got in the passenger side of a friend driving drunk one night)......the one she took to the Prom stalked her.... the BF her Mother took into their home, when he needed a place to stay.... left her in the dust the moment he learned she was pregnant (this son calls me "Mom" & I can't get away with saying I have 6 kids in his presence, he reminds us we have 7 - my husband the closest thing to a Dad he's ever known).....

Next man married her ....only to cheat on her ...how many yrs, she will never know...how she found out & where he did it ...devastating...one might want to set the bed on fire.. I tried fixing her up once...that too fell to the ground. 

She gave up on men a long time ago...15 yrs alone & would always say "I don't need a man!...or... what do I need a man for?"... She had emotional WALLS built to the sky , I knew it was to protect herself....she couldn't let another in







..... I don't think I've ever met a woman more jaded...no man could be trusted.... she'd always say my husband was the lone exception..adding > "God broke the mold on him".

Then she met HIM....through another of our friends....His wife cheated on him after 18 yrs...devastated...he resigned himself to be alone - being there for his aging parents for the rest of his life...they understood each other....they took it very slow...

On the way to decorate the church, she shared how, when they met...she couldn't even be touched, she'd jump...how he took his time with her, so loving & caring...slowly she grew warmer with him...more touch...she's never felt loved like that..it was all so new to her...he was wearing her down. 

She drove the newer car he just bought her days ago...she was struggling with that.....felt almost guilty, she is not used to a man doing something THAT BIG for her...accepting was a real struggle, she wanted to GIVE back..... I was like ..."Oh my dear friend....Let him love you...Enjoy...you deserve this so so much !" ... 

Just so damn happy for her, what she has found... 

Though yesterday was bittersweet.... when I arrived at the church , learned his Dad had a stoke the night before when we were at the Rehearsal Dinner... so she canceled their Honeymoon... I watched him tearing up during the ceremony, so happy for this day.. but his Father on his mind as well. But still they had a Great time ... Danced it up at the Reception ... then ran off to visit his Father in the hospital right after.

I just wanted to mention my friends story here.. as no matter where you are in life, or what you've been through, this was a women who denied she wanted or needed a man but  still found her.. just 1 special person entering our lives - can change it forever... I so wish her/ the 2 of them the best life has to offer, riding out their years together. 

The Pastor used this verse during the ceremony...one that's always resonated with me strongly.....


----------



## Ikaika

Beautiful story, thank your for sharing it.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Some of the things we've done in our early years to save a buck...will make for some amusing stories for our kids someday...

Neither of us had great jobs when we married (He a Dairy Manager....me a Dietary Aid in a Hospital) ....He did a little Computer college .... but never got anything out of it (3.3 average).....probably my fault as I liked his longer hair & he looked like a hippie at the Interviews..  ...He almost took one job - but no Health benefits, so he passed - better off staying where he was. 

We always had Faith we'd make it...both of us very frugally minded...we always managed to save $$ no matter our income...we had dreams of a country home of our own someday & wanted to put down a whopping down payment... this was our plan.

We've never had a fight over money in all our yrs....never late on a bill ... never bounced a check .....Neither of us can stand to be in debt...makes us feel like this >> ....

And we've always been considered "Lower Income" for our family size.....It helps we live in "Amish Dutch" country ...where the cost of living is on the lower side compared to many areas in the United States.. 

We can now look back & see...how some things, at the time seemed a little crazy....Like what are we doing...are we [email protected]#$%^ ...But how they turned out to be such a blessing to our lives ....here is one of those stories ....back in '93...



Our 1st little rented house sat on top of a wicked uphill driveway that one could slide off the hill & land upside down or slide right into ongoing traffic ...beautiful piece of private property up there though...







...

He decided he wanted a 4x4 ...this will sound so Red Neckish.... he found this '79 Chevy 4x4 shortbed for $700 with a couple thousand in new parts never opened ...he was specifically looking for a STICK SHIFT ....here it was.... THE CATCH >> the Truck was in Pieces, had to be hauled home......the Cab was being used as a Akita dog box when we went to look at it....almost wish I got a picture of that !

Yep...we bought it... Had a friend who literally breathes Mechanics ... We called him - he was up for it.... They put that thing together piece by piece - took 3 weeks... rebuilding the motor here







....

My main job was cleaning the "Dog Box" Cab, I was the "body" woman...with grinding wheel /Bondo /putty in hand....got it masked for painting....I also manned the Jack to get that Transmission bolted in place..

We'd take Day trips to this huge Junk Yard looking for special parts to spruce it up... we had to be a site.. bringing our little boy in a red wagon with our lunches...it's a wonder we were allowed to do this..







...

Watching 6 grown men trying to attach the BED onto the Cab (the Cab heavier to handle)... never having done this before, was pretty entertaining / Exciting ...there I was with my video camera in hand...  our truck is finally in one piece! It was a huge day, time for celebration! 

He just reminded me the 1st trip we took it out officially on the road ....our little boy threw up in it... awe ...memories. 

Before and after the Paint Job.. ..he was so proud of that Truck...I think we got 7 yrs out of it...








...

Now the thing is...he learned so much about Mechanics during this Project Truck... his confidence grew, he felt he could tackle anything ....We rarely had to hire anyone to work on our vehicles over the past 20 yrs (much $$ saved)...he even worked on some friends & made a few $$.

Sometimes he'd get in a bind...I'd hear him swearing like a truck driver out there... he'd calm down...craft himself a handmade tool - to get himself out of the mess...(this has always amazed me)... he might walk in the house and say *>>* "I'm gonna get that mother if it kills me!"...very stubborn in this way...he just refused to ask anyone for help...I think I'd bomb the garage if it was ME... It might take a day or 2 but the man always gets the Job done... 

Also if it wasn't for this Project Truck experience...I really doubt he'd have the blue collar job he has today...(one of the best in our area) ... which has meant the world for our growing family...it has enabled me to stay home with the kids (something we both wanted).....As really...he had ZERO experience for the position he applied for ...It was for a "Mechanical Laborer" ..and what did he talk about at the Interview trying to sell himself... his Project Truck !!


----------



## hambone

EVERYBODY deserves to be happy.

I hope this one works out for her!!!


----------



## arbitrator

*Like I said SA, the both of you are truly living the dream the way it was meant to be! Just "keep on keepin' on!"

May our Lord and Saviour continue to abide with you always!*


----------



## SimplyAmorous

arbitrator said:


> *Like I said SA, the both of you are truly living the dream the way it was meant to be! Just "keep on keepin' on!"
> 
> May our Lord and Saviour continue to abide with you always!*


You know Arbitrator, I used to be a Christian....or I tried to be... I'd be jamming to "Highway to Hell" and "Welcome to the Jungle" on the way to Church... so not a very good one by any means.. Try not to judge me too harshly. ..Loved my soap operas & R rated movies too! 

Because of the larger family we dreamed of....and this desire to live more Old Fashionedly, staying home with the kids...in a world where EVERYTHING is so darn expensive anymore... There was one lone scripture I used to pray over....it's the only one I've ever memorized in the entire Bible...

I prayed for this to always BE for our family ... because obviously us not being College Educated & making 6 figures a year...it could be a concern at some point... 



Life is so uncertain, it can all be taken in a heartbeat...for any of us... I know this....we can only do our part...and hope for the best.. I still look *UP*...I still offer prayers ... I do have my issues with Religion though!


----------



## southern wife

SimplyAmorous said:


> This month we will celebrate our


SA, congrats and Happy Anniversary! :yay:


----------



## southern wife

SA, I also wanted to mention that I've read this ENTIRE thread and it's very enlightening as to how a real, loving marriage SHOULD be. All of that WITH 5 kids.............WOW! :slap:  You are a true inspiration to many of us here and I'm one of them. *Thank you* for taking the time with me early in my TAM months for the notes we shared. 

Because of the inspiration from this thread, I have just sent my hubs a sexy text. We are going on a beach trip, just the 2 of us, in a few weekends, and my text to him was "Sex on the beach?" His response: "Yes yummy!" :smthumbup:

:woohoo:

I love YOUR love story. I've told you before and I'm telling you now: you should write a book! 

Love you, SA!!!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

southern wife said:


> SA, I also wanted to mention that I've read this ENTIRE thread and it's very enlightening as to how a real, loving marriage SHOULD be. All of that *WITH 5 kids.*............WOW! :slap:


 Awe but it is *6 *- just like this ...only 1 little girl in the mix. ...We live in a house full of Testosterone...




> You are a true inspiration to many of us here and I'm one of them. *Thank you* for taking the time with me early in my TAM months for the notes we shared.
> 
> Because of the inspiration from this thread, I have just sent my hubs a sexy text. We are going on a beach trip, just the 2 of us, in a few weekends, and my text to him was "Sex on the beach?" His response: "Yes yummy!" :smthumbup:


Oh That sounds ...well......mmmmmm.....Hope you get some private moments liket this SW >>>

:woohoo:







:woohoo:



> I love YOUR love story. I've told you before and I'm telling you now: you should write a book!
> 
> Love you, SA!!!


 Well I certainly am long winded enough ! ...it's funny how opposite me & the husband are...I could write my  out...and enjoy the process... if you put a pen in his hand, he's gets that "deer in the headlights" look...he was a real trooper to join here & poke his head in now & then...








Southern Wife!


----------



## Faithful Wife

You're an inspiration to us all, SA.


----------



## Stonewall

When I was 13 I went to the local movie theater which was another little town 6 miles away and across the state line. My best friend's gf was there and they had parted ways. I met his gf and we set and watched the movie together cause she was trying to make him jealous. 

Now I didn't know this. I was instantly in a huge dopamne rush. Talk about a bad case of puppy love; boy did I have it. Well I found out later that all she was doing was digging it in to her bf aka my best friend and my little heart was crushed. I moved on had a few other gf over the next couple of years; got involved with radio and became a disk jockey at the local radio station. This was back in 1975. 

Back then that was about as close as you got to being a celeb especially for a 15 year old boy. Apparently I was pretty good at changing my voice and enunciating clearly. So one night me and another friend go to a movie ( the exorcist) in that same theater across the state line and guess who is there again? I saw her walking away from the concession stand and will never forget those hip hugger green jeans and gauze smock shirt. She had broken up with my friend again and was alone (poor thing). 

Her brother goes into the theater and tells her "hey there is a cute guy out there he never saw before " and she might want to go check it out. She comes back out to the concession area and starts talking to me. She says " you don't remember me do you"? Yes ma'am I do! I had matured in my looks and had a lot of hair (a must back then or you had no credibility). I think she was quite impressed with my job as well. This time she was riding the dopamne express and I was happy to be the engineer of that train. I continued to do the DJ thing for the next couple of years and we became an item. 

At 17 and 16 respectively we eloped. We arranged for a woman (who shall remain nameless) to go to the court house and pose as parent to ok the marriage license. We snuck off to a town about 30 miles away with a reputation for quick marriages; got married and ate our first meal as H and W at McDonalds. We took everything we owned to a town about 150 miles away and set up house in a rented apartment. 

That was June 3rd 1977. I did a few jobs and worked towards my goal of becoming a Paramedic. The rest is history. We had our tough times but managed to hold it together. And the ride continues..............


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Coffee Amore said:


> I love these stories of your marriage. *We also struggled early on when we were getting started. At one point, he sold his plasma to make $75/week and I participated in a non-drug research study for $2k. *


 Really... I wouldn't have thought it Coffee Amore....$2,000 for your participation..WOW! There is always some risks with these studies, isn't there? 

We always had a nice stash of $$ at any given time... we could have bought a new car, took a couple vacations to Hawaii & paid in full...we just never would... Looking back, I think we *over sacrificed* where we could have been "living it up" a little more...this all for the pursuit of a country home/a little land to call our own...we'd jump in the truck & drive to see every house we heard about...if within our price range.



> I don't always agree with you about being a virgin until marriage or some of the religious stuff (I know you're a Free Thinker though)


 Just a few thoughts on this...

I feel my Mothers "descent" affected me in ways others would not/ could not understand....took a plane to visit her when I was 15 (shortly after meeting him).....lived there a month...the life she lived...big city, poor section / crime ridden area....beggars on the streets / Prostitutes... some of her stories...one's mouth would drop to the floor ....from her living with a murderer who stole the sandwich from her mouth right after he killed someone, the cops pounding on the door...(they took him in when he needed a place to stay).... from near having her head sliced with a sickle by an angry drunk neighbor below their apartment.. her husband stepping in front saving her life - his arm slashed....The bar next door called the Ambulance.....Oh the adventures! 

I got to see a side of living, hardship & desperation brought on by people's vices, debilitating addictions, wrong choices, dysfunction on steroids...met a Prostitute next door named Jamie... she served 11 yrs for killing her abusive husband... Crazily....my Mother never drank but was surrounded by a sea of Alcoholics & the people society turns away...she went to church though! She became HARD in many ways to survive..belief in God kept her hanging on. 

She was raped a # of times in her life...been battered for sex.. her loosing  all emotion for the act...it meant nothing  to her...she never believed in love again....

Her mistakes & "living on the edge" hardships were branded upon me ...imagine as a teen getting letters with stories like that in the mail! So damn it... give me a "Little house on the Prairie" lifestyle any day!

...So yes...I vowed at a young age I would never allow a man to "use" me...I had no desire to separate Love & Sex.... my ideal was to wait till my Wedding day for one very special man, who wanted me FOR LIFE.....was this to guard my own heart...of course it was .... To have some "control" over my own destiny...yes... If such a man belittled this....my attitude was .... FVck 'im! He can go find someone else....we wouldn't be right for each other......My future was important to me....My husband gave me this...so I was spared , one could say. 

Youth Group had it's place in my life....this was another "outlet" for me... it offered me hope for a better day, some direction, I had friends there, overnight parties...good memories...

But yeah...our hormones were RAGING when we got alone...I had no desire to be as pure as the driven snow...that would have sucked the life out of having a Boyfriend..We still enjoyed our pleasure... Intercourse was my boundary...this we could live with, even thrive .... 

Our emotional connection grew, we never needed birth control... and still we had something new & beautiful to bring to our Wedding night...oh the sweet anticipation it was... I realize others think this is mindless/ madness even...that's Ok... it's still a part of our story.  



> but I love your love story because of how freely you share it, and in so many ways, I can relate to it easily because *your story is that of my husband's and I have your husband's story*. That's probably clear as mud. He and I have the same bond that you have with each other. I can't imagine the kinds of marriage problems that some on this board have. Just like I was very secure in my childhood with loving parents, I feel very secure in my marriage, but I don't take it for granted. Not anymore. I act like his girlfriend, not his wife. I don't know how to explain it anyone, *but I know you get it*.


Thank you for sharing this Coffee Amore...... Yes..I get it


----------



## Ikaika

I have two Hawaiian proverbs for you:

Keke'e ka mai'a o ka 'e'a, wili ka 'oka'i
Even a twisted banana tree in the mountains can bear fruit. Means that no matter the path you have been shown (as in the story of your mother) you can bear much sweet fruit. That is truly evident in your story 

A'a i ka hula, waiho ka hilahila i ka hale
When dancing the hula, leave bashfulness at home. Means to not be afraid to tell your story. Let your heart flow and don't be ashamed of what you have to offer. thank you


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> *When I was 13* I went to the local movie theater which was another little town 6 miles away and across the state line. My best friend's gf was there and they had parted ways. I met his gf and we set and watched the movie together cause *she was trying to make him jealous. *
> 
> Now I didn't know this. *I was instantly in a huge dopamne rush. Talk about a bad case of puppy love; boy did I have it*. Well I found out later that all she was doing was digging it in to her bf aka my best friend and *my little heart was crushed.* I moved on had a few other gf over the next couple of years; got involved with radio and became a disk jockey at the local radio station. This was back in 1975.


 Oh Stonewall, loved that you shared this on my thread ... Those young beginnings were so innocent... who knew one could get dopamine rushes at age 13 ! Somehow It isn't adding up how the introverted laid back guy who likes to sit by the exit sign became a cool disk Jockey though...You weren't all that shy ! 










> Back then that was about as close as you got to being a celeb especially for a 15 year old boy. Apparently I was pretty good at changing my voice and enunciating clearly. So one night me and another friend go to a movie ( the exorcist) in that same theater across the state line and guess who is there again? I saw her walking away from the concession stand and will never forget those hip hugger green jeans and gauze smock shirt. She had broken up with my friend again and was alone (poor thing).


 Of all movies...."The Exorcist" ! .... In another state around that time... sat a 9 yr old me covering my eyes (yet peaking) in a movie theater...don't think any horror film in history can Top this one ...yet, I LIKED it... I am a little sick in this way, so intrigued that was supposed to be based on a true story. 



> She comes back out to the concession area and starts talking to me. She says " you don't remember me do you"? Yes ma'am I do! I had matured in my looks and had a lot of hair (a must back then or you had no credibility). *I think she was quite impressed with my job as well. This time she was riding the dopamine express and I was happy to be the engineer of that train. I continued to do the DJ thing for the next couple of years and we became an item.*


 You Alpha-ed up in those 2 yrs! She was probably thinking "What other boyfriend!" .... She, too, was blessed to meet a good one early on... What a gorgeous couple you both were. 



> At 17 and 16 respectively we eloped. We arranged for a woman (who shall remain nameless) to go to the court house and pose as parent to ok the marriage license. We snuck off to a town about 30 miles away with a reputation for quick marriages; got married and ate our first meal as H and W at McDonalds. We took everything we owned to a town about 150 miles away and set up house in a rented apartment.


 Wow...what made you run off & do this so very Young, was this a whim one fine day...or something you planned.. surely your parents were ready to hit the roof ...so neither of you finished High school I take it ......I wonder if she ever regretted not having the Big Wedding? My husband would have married me at 18... I wasn't ready... I did want to throw a BIG PARTY in celebration... it's something no one on his immediate side ever did... or mine...we dared be the 1st... 



> That was June 3rd 1977. I did a few jobs and worked towards my goal of becoming a Paramedic. The rest is history. We had our tough times but managed to hold it together. And the ride continues..............


 So you've been married 36 yrs !


----------



## SimplyAmorous

drerio said:


> I have two Hawaiian proverbs for you:
> 
> Keke'e ka mai'a o ka 'e'a, wili ka 'oka'i
> *Even a twisted banana tree in the mountains can bear fruit. Means that no matter the path you have been shown (as in the story of your mother) you can bear much sweet fruit. That is truly evident in your story*


 2 days ago...we sat on my porch, talked about many things....I don't see her much...but when we do...it's always a  to ....I shared THIS with her...after reading what I wrote about her....she told me I was always strong.... saying with this look on her face..."I don't know how you done it & came out SO GOOD"..... that was before I read her what I titled this thread....then I couldn't get the words out... my voice cracking...how true it is... because of him.

We've always openly talked about it ALL, she isn't one to spare the gruesome details.. but let it rip.....probably where I get my openness (whether this is good or bad, I don't know)... even though Yes, she IS twisted like that banana tree...but always so humble about her screw ups... she can even laugh wildly about them - making great FUN.....then I laugh with her... what a release....she doesn't even try to make an excuse...

She sat there telling me...she doesn't regret her life ...she says she had "Adventure"...I'll give her that! She has never wanted the things I wanted..she was never the domesticated type, she hates the country, could care less about Romance..... we couldn't be further apart in what fulfills us...it's almost laughable...she's always told me .."You are ALL YOUR Father". 

Not long ago, we sat & watched the  Scent of a Woman: with Al Pacino







...she loves dramatic movies like that (this I did get from her)...This movie was about Integrity / Courage ...doing the right thing...being a person of Honor....this is always the harder path..

She could almost identify with the story line of the Blind Colonel on a variety of levels....he was a Mess of a man... but in the end he stood up for what was right, fighting for another who had the highest of integrity, even saved his life ...and here he was being screwed over - by higher ups - the common corruption we see everywhere in society... (damn that was a good movie - the ending - sarcastic killer Justice ~ We were on the edge of our seats - eating that speech up !)....Funny too... Oh MY! Finally He found *his Purpose*...after a lifetime of wrong living....and it changed his life. 










There is one more story I want to share about my Mother...she saved my life... or was it her? I may struggle with religion... but I am OPEN..and will remain so....Some things just can't be explained....this is one of those...

When I was about 5 or 6..(Mom & dad still married)...we went swimming ...this place had one very tall Slide I guess...it wasn't clear water, more like a lake.. not huge but way beyond the size of a large pool....she brought her younger sister with us....she was 16ish.... my Aunt was supposed to be watching me ...Not sure where my Father was.....

My Mom climbed to the top of that slide...ready to go down.....she heard a voice, it was urgent/ demanding TO LOOK FOR ME...LOOK for her daughter...she said she almost ignored it, like what is this!....but she stopped, she obeyed... she scanned the water... saw me away from my aunt right before my head went under (this place had drop offs)...she started screaming my name - pointing like a frantic Mother ... everyone saw it...they rushed in.....I almost drowned that day, I can still remember going under...I couldn't breathe, water was filling me ....I was pulled out, the lifeguard worked on me, I remember choking up water, struggling to catch my breathe...being taken to the back where the changing stalls were..... 

My Mother has never had something like THAT happen before, it was a voice, it was urgent... she explained afterwards....there was a solemnness ...an unspeakable thankfulness -realizing the seriousness of what could have been lost, changing all their lives forever.....My Aunt visibly shaken feeling it was all her fault...I guess I wasn't meant to die that day! 



> A'a i ka hula, waiho ka hilahila i ka hale
> When dancing the hula, leave bashfulness at home. Means to be afraid to tell your story. Let your heart flow and don't be ashamed of what you have to offer. thank you


 You meant to say "not be afraid" - like the words of this quote >> 


 Drerio!


----------



## Stonewall

It was planned for months. It took some planning to arrange for that person to pull off the fake parent thing. Yeah to some degree I think she wishes she had the big wedding but I do believe providence guides our steps sometimes. 

I believe it happened the way it was supposed to. Yes We finished school and college. Earned my Paramedic (oh the things I've seen)! Earned bachelors and masters in Theology. Was one 7500 word Thesis away from a doctorate. Never finished that one though.

I would work 24 hr shifts as a young Medic and come home with almost no sleep and keep my children while W went to her day job. Try to catch a nap during the day and go to school the next night. The cycle went on and on, 24 on 48 off with school in between. 

Early one evening the alarm went off for a bad wreck in front of a familiar home. It was the home of my best friend (yep that best friend). It was him in the car upside down in his front yard. There was nothing I could do for him. His injuries were incompatible with life. I pronounced him dead while I was in the car with him, covered him with a sheet and pulled him from the vehicle. He and his father had been racing and crashed literally in his front yard.

That was pretty hard on me but no where near as hard as some of the things involving children. Children run over by cars or killed in house fires. Those things kinda sit in the back of your mind and never really go away. Sometimes I think I have some degree of PTSD from it. Everyone in this business thats been around for a while does if they worked at a busy enough firehouse and have a heart at all. 

No I really was that shy but the thing about being a DJ back in the day was you were in a sound proof room all by yourself as if you were talking to yourself and playing music. I never thought about how a lot of other people were listening to me except when I was doing a live read for a commercial or the news off the wire at the top of the hour.

Probably the most fun carefree job I ever had and a major chick magnet! LOL


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> Earned bachelors and masters in Theology. Was one 7500 word Thesis away from a doctorate. Never finished that one though.


 I remember you mentioning this before, I bet you can hold your own in a religious debate! 



> *I would work 24 hr shifts as a young Medic and come home with almost no sleep and keep my children while W went to her day job.* Try to catch a nap during the day and go to school the next night. The cycle went on and on, 24 on 48 off *with school in between*.


... your determination to conquer your educational goals and put food on the table for your family is greatly admirable Stonewall ! .. how you didn't fall down on the job from exhaustion ...I don't think I could understand. 

... And my husband used to complain (just a little) how he didn't want me working side jobs, as he'd reach the driveway, and I was off with a kiss...we didn't want to pay a babysitter as that'd defeat the purpose in saving ....he wanted me home more. The most he did was double shifts - jumped for the overtime back in the day...



> Early one evening the alarm went off for a bad wreck in front of a familiar home. *It was the home of my best friend (yep that best friend)*. It was him in the car upside down in his front yard. There was nothing I could do for him. His injuries were incompatible with life. I pronounced him dead while I was in the car with him, covered him with a sheet and pulled him from the vehicle. *He and his father had been racing and crashed literally in his front yard*.


Reading this, my 1st thought is...thank God she didn't end up with that [email protected]#$ What a blessing you walked into her life.....and what in the hell was wrong with this Father, I can not imagine the grief, the regret, I imagine YOU were there for some of that, being his best friend and all... How very traumatic for you... I wonder if you've ever (or your co-workers) talked in high school about risky teen behavior... sometimes I think a class like that - led by the world view of the Paramedic could shake some sense into them. 



> That was pretty hard on me but no where near as hard as some of the things involving children. Children run over by cars or killed in house fires. Those things kinda sit in the back of your mind and never really go away. Sometimes I think I have some degree of PTSD from it. Everyone in this business thats been around for a while does if they worked at a busy enough firehouse and have a heart at all.


 I have wondered HOW you've been able to make this a life long career. My husband worked with a woman who became a Paramedic...she was very passionate about it, we'd visit her in the process of her getting her training...it was her position he took as Dairy Manager...though, yrs down the line, she got "burnt out"...had to do something else...then she moved away. 



> Probably the most fun carefree job I ever had and a major chick magnet! LOL


 Yes, a







....that rock star hair of yours sealed the deal... another glimpse for us all Stonewall ?


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> I remember you mentioning this before, I bet you can hold your own in a religious debate!
> 
> ... your determination to conquer your educational goals and put food on the table for your family is greatly admirable Stonewall ! .. how you didn't fall down on the job from exhaustion ...I don't think I could understand.
> 
> ... And my husband used to complain (just a little) how he didn't want me working side jobs, as he'd reach the driveway, and I was off with a kiss...we didn't want to pay a babysitter as that'd defeat the purpose in saving ....he wanted me home more. The most he did was double shifts - jumped for the overtime back in the day...
> 
> Reading this, my 1st thought is...thank God she didn't end up with that [email protected]#$ What a blessing you walked into her life.....and what in the hell was wrong with this Father, I can not imagine the grief, the regret, I imagine YOU were there for some of that, being his best friend and all... How very traumatic for you... I wonder if you've ever (or your co-workers) talked in high school about risky teen behavior... sometimes I think a class like that - led by the world view of the Paramedic could shake some sense into them.
> 
> I have wondered HOW you've been able to make this a life long career. My husband worked with a woman who became a Paramedic...she was very passionate about it, we'd visit her in the process of her getting her training...it was her position he took as Dairy Manager...though, yrs down the line, she got "burnt out"...had to do something else...then she moved away.
> 
> Yes, a
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ....that rock star hair of yours sealed the deal... another glimpse for us all Stonewall ?


I'll have to see if I can find some old pics and scan them in for you sometime. Burn out occurs if you are at a busy station. I was at the busiest stations in our county because I asked for it. I thrived on it. Some of the other Medics and Training officers were dumbfounded at some of the things I did like read a PDR for hours and memorizing effects, side effects, indications and contraindications of drugs that were taken at home (not the drugs we gave as Medics). It was easy for me because I loved emergency medicine so much. It made me a better Medic. I really should have gone to medical school instead butttttt...... oh well.....I guess it was meant to be for whatever reason.

I did eventually burn out, The stress of it all got the best of me and I either had to move up the food chain or move out to a slow station if I was to stay in the business. I was lucky enough to step into a Chief position at about the same time as the burn out kicked in. I finished out my time in that position; retired and continued to work in what is known as the TERI program. I can continue that for another 2 years and then I have to separate from the fire service for good then but its all good. Playing in blood in a ditch at 3 AM is a game for the young. I have payed my debt to society so I will concentrate on the fish that are waiting to be extracted from all the rivers and ponds in my area. or maybe put ECG on the back of my bike and finally get up to y'all's area and see Gettysburg. 

And just for culture perspective:

y'all is singular
all y'all is plural
and all y'all's is plural possessive LOL!


----------



## Cosmos

A belated Happy Anniversary, SA! I love your story


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Cosmos said:


> A belated Happy Anniversary, SA! I love your story


Not belated...it's Monday...we might go see a $1 movie and eat at Red Lobster while the kids are in school....Just another day really... 

Awe come on guys... Nothing anyone can relate to.....a thought....a comparison... sharing a part of *your story* as well ..throw it on here ... I am feeling this has been reduced to a "Happy A" thread...

Oh dear *Stonewall*....your sharing has given me something to respond to....without that, I'd feel silly to keep on.....I'll leave this up... it's unique in it's perspective I suppose...... 

But really...the hardships are pretty much finished...other than the neighbors from hell story... which is probably more funny -than any real trial...as it was pretty short lived...but boy was I ever PI$$ED OFF at these people....sometimes what seems like the worst things that could ever happen... somehow make a way for our greatest blessings.... 

See I told you *Drerio*... I know you read this (and I appreciate you)... I gave it a good faith whirl...though I must be honest....I do sit a little jealous of you....when I compare all the entertaining feedback you got going on on your story thread....by your faithful TAM responders..... yeah I shouldn't do that...no comparisons... it's not [email protected]#$.... Love who we are..... 
but don't we all..... Damn buddy.. ..you deserve it though!


----------



## Ikaika

I think you have a lot more followers than you think you do, we never know who lurks and who we might be helping. It helps me to write our story and I sincerely hope it does the same for you. It helps me to read your story of hope and love, I am sure others feel the same.


----------



## Cosmos

> Awe come on guys... Nothing anyone can relate to.....a thought....a comparison... sharing a part of your story as well ..throw it on here ... I am feeling this has been reduced to a "Happy A" thread...


If I were to post my story, SA, I'm afraid some would think it was a work of fiction... In the scheme of things, I should be sitting in the corner of a padded cell, rocking to and fro in a strait jacket!


----------



## CharlieParker

Cos, now you have to share!

SA, I know the feeling, and I even said I would try to comment more. IDK, I'm basically out of stuff to write. Hmm, I have half an update that I don't think would be relevant to anyone else that I could combine with our current vacation story (we did nothing and liked it, exciting?). And I'm not quite ready to share a recent positive development but will at some point. Thanks again and enjoy the lobster.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

> *drerio said*: *It helps me to write our story and I sincerely hope it does the same for you. *It helps me to read your story of hope and love, I am sure others feel the same.


 I have the majority of our history written .. started 2 journals 3 yrs ago... One for US / our beginnings... my childhood memories/ his...the kids along the way...Anything that meant something .....the touching, the , the exhilarating, the celebrations...the insane...the ...the meaningful... prayers that were answered -what seemed against the odds....the scary (like our son coming 1-2 cm from slicing his tendon -almost loosing the use of his arm in a freak "swatting a bee" accident)....what we've learned along the way.... 

And an "Erotic Journal"...recording our discoveries along the way...the exhilarating highs... but also some of the lows (all related to my worrying too much)....how we resolved ...through much learning on my part...great communication, and a lot of spicing !



Cosmos said:


> If I were to post my story, SA, I'm afraid some would think it was a work of fiction... In the scheme of things, I should be sitting in the corner of a padded cell, rocking to and fro in a strait jacket!


Seriously... Now those_ *are*_ what makes for the greatest stories...the people the greatest mentors to reach others......YOU KNOW THIS....what is more triumphant than these....

No one wants to hear about the Girl with the silver spoon in her mouth who achieves success on the back of her rich stable loving parents.. but someone who lived in the gutter, walked among the insane and rose above it all... and is happy / well adjusted has found her away out of the ashes ... Hell yeah!

Like this ballad..one of my favorites...Through the Barracades by Spandau Ballet 

We are terribly intrigued to learn the WHAT , the WHO, the HOW you pulled through - against such odds, given what was brought upon you....what inspired you to keep on..... Share Cosmos... I hope you will think about it... even if its just fragments , little pieces here & there if that makes it easier somehow.  ...Sounds you have climbed the mountain Cosmos !

My Mother thought about killing herself a # of times ....after those men... I remember her taking me to see







over & over & over ..to an outdoor movie theater...Here I was thinking she was just in love with Sylvester Stallone at the time....but she told me years later, that MOVIE ~ *his fighting spirit in it*...is what kept her going..... So yeah... little things like that can make the difference... might not even be a person. 



> *CharlieParker said:* And I'm not quite ready to share a recent positive development but will at some point.


 Good to hear Charlie!


----------



## Caribbean Man

Cosmos said:


> If I were to post my story, SA, I'm afraid some would think it was a work of fiction... In the scheme of things, I should be sitting in the corner of a padded cell, rocking to and fro in a strait jacket!


Cosmos I have read bits and pieces of your story that you have posted in the past, and I agree it is quite a unique story!

But I think you're quite a unique woman , given what I have read so far.

I for one would love to read your entire story one of these days!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Ok it's our Anniversary ....so on this day I want to share a MUSH Moment...

.. A couple years back...at a Flea Market ...I came across this plaque....reading these words....a rush of Thankfulness ~ Gratitude ~ the joys or what we share ... came over me in a wave... I had to turn away from these Amish women selling, or they'd see my tears.....
I told him he had to buy it.... these words just summed up everything we are, have always been... 

It now hangs in our bedroom along side a Portrait of us I took...that marked the beginning of this Phase of our lives (this re-discovery)...climbing new heights together...

He always laughs when I get like that....tells me to "*get a grip*" with a  ...he so loves it though... this I know. 

.......









This song speaks this thread for me ... Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion  ....every word... 


 I often get the feeling on this forum...many find Romance like this "Over the TOP".... too sappy, mushy, maybe even annoying and have little use for it, or it would turn the other OFF... 

For anyone reading THIS ... have YOU & yours had moments similar to this...shared & enjoyed... please share a story, a moment ...


----------



## Ikaika

Happy Anniversary ~ Hau`oli la Ho'omana'o


----------



## SimplyAmorous

24 yrs ago today...

Woke up that morning (we lived in a little house on a hill together)... walked outside checking out the yard/ hanging some balloons... and lo & behold...across the lawn stood 3 albino deer ....the odds of seeing 1 in the wild in a lifetime is slim, and here we saw 3 standing together on our very wedding morning... (this is a google images pic) ....







...we've seen them before but not standing together him & I....not long after we heard they were shot & killed... 

I devised & planned every detail .. I remember being SO HAPPY....the anticipation ... As friends & us decorated the hall the night before....the Nerves came upon me...what was I worried about...after all this....."what if hardly anyone comes?!!!"... 








...

The Pastor asked for a couple scriptures to use.....I came up with "The Seasons" ...
in Eccl 3.....Looking back...a little gloomy with the "There is a time to be born, a time to die, a time to kill a time to weep...".. Geez, this is what you hear at Funerals ! (not the brightest selection on my behalf )....all I was thinking was.. FINALLY....this is our time to get hitched [email protected]#$ ..... I think I did good with the other... 










Hired a Pianist for the Church who played Richard Marx's "Right Here waiting for you" while the guests arrived .... The Pastor threw a light hearted joke during the ceremony that my husband "better be on his toes" ....as I was one organized woman... Funny moment. 










We released Balloons afterwards on the church lawn ...








....

The streamers we hung the night before drooped inches over night (who knew!) so when we danced to 
 Loving you Forever ... we felt like we were in the clouds...I kinda liked that ! 










Had about 350 come.... almost ran out of food. YIKES!

We did a few things differently...

I chose a Tea Length gown to save $$ ...Cost $150 ...

No limousine ....Friends threw together this Wedding Float....to ride down the country road to the Reception hall...










My Dad ... imagine telling your daughter you won't walk her down the aisle unless you can wear Blue jeans... That's my dad, gotta love 'im! ... Our Photographer came up with the idea for HIM to walk half way down - while I was walking up... to take my hand in his, kiss it - and walk up to the alter together... LOVED IT !










This DJ we had...she was Great .... Seen her at a friends Wedding & told her on the spot I wanted her for mine... She got the whole crowd involved, clapping / hooping / hollering to get my bashful husband to take my garter off with his TEETH... He did it !... even giving a slow sensual back & forth... then she says ..."And she said he was [email protected]#$%?" ...

I had her play some Heavy Metal... seen my religious aunt plugging her ears... We are not normally dancers...but we danced all night - half ignoring our guests.. I was having so much fun.... the Day .... the Reception ...a dream.....also a FLASH....One of the happiest days of our lives along with the births of each of our children. 








[/URL]


----------



## Caribbean Man

Happy 24th wedding anniversary to you and your husband my TAM friend.
"_ Marriage is that relation between
man and woman in which
the Interdependence is Equal,
the Dependence mutual and
the Obligation Reciprocal_."

From my wife and I.

Edit:
I've been trying to paste some text on the photo above , in photobucket. I enter the words into the textbox but when I post the pic here, the words don't appear.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Caribbean Man said:


> Happy 24th wedding anniversary to you and your husband my TAM friend.
> "_* Marriage is that relation between
> man and woman in which
> the Interdependence is Equal,
> the Dependence mutual and
> the Obligation Reciprocal*_."
> 
> From my wife and I.
> 
> Edit:
> I've been trying to paste some text on the photo above , in photobucket. I enter the words into the textbox but when I post the pic here, the words don't appear.


Oh Caribbean Man...you ALWAYS say something - just so darn original (adore this about you, ya know)......and always with some nugget of wisdom attached / Proverb-ish ....So true... so much for this... 

*** *Don't know if I'll ever understand Photobucket .....I've edited things & the results might not show up till the next day! It happens eventually... even though it shows it on their page...so likely -this beautiful portrait will magically show the words sometime tomorrow. 

Now that is a nice fantasy setting there !


----------



## Caribbean Man

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh Caribbean Man...you ALWAYS say something - just so darn original (adore this about you, ya know)......and always with some nugget of wisdom / Proverb-ish .... so much for this...
> 
> *** *Don't know if I'll ever understand Photobucket .....I've edited things & the results might not show up till the next day! It happens eventually... even though it shows it on their page...so likely -this beautiful portrait will magically show the words sometime tomorrow.
> 
> Now that is a nice fantasy setting there !


You're welcome anytime!
Actually that beach is on the Caribbean island of Tobago, where I was born . [ I no longer live on that island.]
I took my wife back there for our honeymoon.
It was her first time and she was awestruck.
I's a very beautiful island.


I hope I can get the words on the pic from Phoytobucket tomorrow.
Guess I'll just have to try again!


----------



## SA's husband

Thanks everyone for adding your thoughts , I really appreciate it, has been an enjoyable read. 

31 years ago I met my soulmate. When I read some of the things she writes about me it gets me teary eyed. When she gets mushy I just tell her to "get a grip woman", I don't really want her to, it is very flattering i love it. 

She is always there for me thats why shes my lady. 

Lady - Styx - YouTube


----------



## Ikaika

SA's husband said:


> Thanks everyone for adding your thoughts , I really appreciate it, has been an enjoyable read.
> 
> 31 years ago I met my soulmate. When I read some of the things she writes about me it gets me teary eyed. When she gets mushy I just tell her to "get a grip woman", I don't really want her to, it is very flattering i love it.
> 
> She is always there for me thats why shes my lady.
> 
> Lady - Styx - YouTube


You are a lucky man and don't you dare forget it 

Aloha and Malama Pono


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> For anyone reading THIS ... have YOU & yours had moments similar to this...shared & enjoyed... please share a story, a moment ...


We had such a moment when we became engaged. I took her to the beach at sunrise to propose on a pier. Instead of a beautiful sunrise for a romantic moment we had cloudy skies. 

I proposed nevertheless and within a few minutes we saw a sea turtle swim by. It was very much like your albino dear (which i have never seen). Back then 23 years ago such sittings were very rare even though they are common today. Sea Turtles or Honu as they are known in Hawaii were an endangered species. I lived there for 20+ years and had never seen one. We took this as a romantic sign that our marriage was blessed. It became our symbol for our marriage. 

Back in 2008 we got a present from my mom. She described the story to a local artist and he painted a scene which included the pier (which no longer exists due to a hurricane). We have the original oil in our foyer. In it there are two birds that represent myself and my wife and there is a turtle in the lower corner. It's not where we saw it but artists need to compose. 

Here is two photos taken by my wife of the day. 

















The painting:









That was our romantic story and icon to remember it by. 

You have had such a rich and wonderful marriage, it's a pleasure to wish you a Happy Anniversary!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> We had such a moment when we became engaged. *I took her to the beach at sunrise to propose on a pier. *Instead of a beautiful sunrise for a romantic moment we had cloudy skies.
> 
> *I proposed nevertheless and within a few minutes we saw a sea turtle swim by*. It was very much like your albino dear (which i have never seen). *Back then 23 years ago such sittings were very rare even though they are common today. Sea Turtles or Honu as they are known in Hawaii were an endangered species. I lived there for 20+ years and had never seen one. We took this as a romantic sign that our marriage was blessed. It became our symbol for our marriage. *
> 
> Back in 2008 we got a present from my mom. She described the story to a local artist and he painted a scene which included the pier (which no longer exists due to a hurricane). We have the original oil in our foyer. In it there are two birds that represent myself and my wife and there is a turtle in the lower corner. It's not where we saw it but artists need to compose.
> 
> The painting:
> 
> View attachment 8706
> 
> 
> That was our romantic story and icon to remember it by.
> 
> You have had such a rich and wonderful marriage, it's a pleasure to wish you a Happy Anniversary!


 Meson... so much for sharing your engagement story... you so DO understand how something like that could bring AWE to such a special moment in time...how we could attach a special meaning to it... like it's a sign of blessing/ we are "meant to be".....because of it's sheer *rarity*...







Whether these things are true or not, we play them up in our minds...even if one is not spiritual, I think "man" tends to do this. 

It sounds you had some real struggles early on...maybe gazing on this Portrait ..letting it take you back ....helped you & she even..during some of your darkest hours/ misunderstandings to keep hanging on...

Your dear Mother, taking the time & talking to an artist & his recapturing these moments for you both....that's very special...very Romantic ! 
I know when greeting our guests after the 's ...to hug us & their congratulating... I was mentioning those albinos to some.... I couldn't help but share....I think it even gave me peace somehow...that everything will BE as it should.....that day...we were in line with our destiny.


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> I know when greeting our guests after the 's ...to hug us & their congratulating... I was mentioning those albinos to some.... I couldn't help but share....I think it even gave me peace somehow...that everything will BE as it should.....that day...we were in line with our destiny.


These symbols provide comfort and enable us to imbue the events with a shared significance. It's like coupls having a song or movie. It gives us a satisfaction of belonging.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> These symbols provide comfort and enable us to imbue the events with a shared significance. It's like couples having a song or movie. It gives us a satisfaction of belonging.


 I like what you say here... so true :thumbup: :thumbup:... Love Songs have breathed LIFE & Romance to every season of our lives....they have set me on the clouds, brought tears of Joy
...appreciation....ushering me back in time ... I could do a mile long post on my love for music, and what its brought into my life....with a multitude of songs attached... but I'll spare anyone reading this. 

When dating...the words to the 60's So Happy Together ...to... MAGNET AND STEEL ...to Rod Stewarts You're in my heart  ...to Madonna's Crazy For You ...to Journey's  Open Arms ...to the innocence of Mellencamps  Ain't Even Done With the Night ...nothing like riding down a country road.. sitting close to your Boyfriend & a great song comes on the radio..feeling every word & singing our hearts out...it's exhilarating. A personal "High" I have always enjoyed. 

Then getting married... so many dreams not yet realized... Kenny Loggins Danny's song ... we so resonated with these words....every time this comes on...we think of our beginnings... he'll reach for my hand if we're in the car ...we danced to it not long ago...


> And even though we ain't got money,
> I'm so in love with you, honey,
> And everything will bring a chain of love.
> And in the morning, when I rise,
> You bring a tear of joy to my eyes
> And tell me everything is gonna be alright


 Back then.. I used cloth diapers, we rented.. didn't have a dryer, I didn't care! Hung everything on the line...I was so happy...never complained.... we could have bought those things, instead we saved every dime ...we were Living On A Prayer  believing it was all gonna fall into place. 

His song to me has forever been the Climax Blue Bands  I Love You ... anytime I hear this...I stop...this is my husband's ... I have a multitude of songs for us/ dedicated to him...and the list grows somehow. 
For our Anniversary (appreciate all your wishes to us *>>* .... we took a 14 mile Bike ride while the kids were in school.... stopped off at the Lake...reminisced...been going there since before we married... Memories on the trail of just the 3 of us... our oldest only 2 yrs old in that little carrier *>>*







....(oh how fast times flies!)..... as our family grew... we needed a buggy (we've bought 2 over the yrs)....some rides were all 8 of us - great times *>>*







....and here we are now.....







...we're still ridin'!

The next day...we did *Red Lobster*...had the most personable Waitress, some deal for $15.99 where you could eat 2 dishes, then order more..then some more...she kept saying "you ready for more" sensing we didn't want to look too gluttonish.....which I kinda said...

She pulled up a chair saying ..."I have some stories for you".... how this one man ordered like 24 dishes one day... another who had to stop & take his insulin shot so he could order some more...she even told us we could take it home! Darn she was a gem ! 

We left the biggest tip we've ever given in our lives.....and carried a bag of food out the door..the kids were lovin' that shrimp & those cheese garlic biscuits later..... 

Me & the husband so appreciate friendly personable people like that...they make the world a better place to live in. 

On our way home....couldn't have been a better song to seal the day....the Orleans 
You're Still The One  came on ... turned that full blast and I sang my  out..... "we're still having fun, and you're still the one"......shortly after Clapton's Wonderful Tonight came on....he reached for my hand... this is one of his favorites, every time he hears it out & about, on the way home, he tells me how he was thinkng of me...Music fills our lives...it was a beautiful 2 days...


----------



## meson

What a great way to spend the Day! Our kids love the biscuits as well.


----------



## Caribbean Man

_It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She'll put on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

*I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.

And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.
It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.

And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.*"_

Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton.


One of my favourites, it's just so real. 
One of those songs that to really get it , you must first experience it.


----------



## Curious_Guy

SimplyAmorous, if you feel lucky and blessed, you sure deserve to be. People need marriages like yours.

With all the problems going on in marriages today, such as problems with sex to problems with infidelity, you and your husband are living the good life because you have each other. 

I seek to have marriage like yours in the future. I would be so darn lucky!


----------



## Caribbean Man

Curious_Guy said:


> SimplyAmorous, if you feel lucky and blessed, you sure deserve to be. People need marriages like yours.
> 
> With all the problems going on in marriages today, such as problems with sex to problems with infidelity, you and your husband are living the good life because you have each other.
> 
> I seek to have marriage like yours in the future. I would be so darn lucky!


:iagree: 

Funny thing is that everyone wants to be happy, everyone wants a good partner, kids , nice house , family and to feel loved and appreciated . 
Everything cost money, except love.
Yet true love seems to be so unavailable , so rare , so hard to come by.
It's one of the paradoxes of this thing called life.
Reminds me of a line I liked in one of my favourite rock songs years ago,
" _Everybody wants to get to heaven , but nobody wants to die_."


----------



## SimplyAmorous

After reading a comment on Meson's Marital Story thread... ..how his philosophy goes along the lines of "too many kids = not enough resources for future generations"... Being a larger family as we are.... it was a reminder to how many feel today... and really...we don't know who they are..... as I explained, it took the wind out of my sails a bit that night....even talked to my husband about it.....makes me want to rise up & defend how much we wanted our children....does that even matter... it probably makes us *selfish*... I'll take that...have even did posts explaining it JUST THIS WAY... I'm guilty! 

Are we irresponsible...draining the worlds resources... should we know better... this wasn't personal of course on his end (yes I am being my sensitive self)....as he explained it -more how he felt about his own family (2 is enough!)... 

But yeah...this is a vulnerable area for ME...so thought I'd do a post on it...

So we have 6







....every one so wanted / planned...(#4 was technically a slip up, will blame my husband ...he was horny, forgoing the raincoat & me figuring "Oh what are the chances!"... it was close to the cut off of the egg dying)...I knew immediately when I saw the 2 lines, statistically It'd be another ).... 

I even cried at the Sonogram confirming this ... a friend with me....Yes...I know this is terrible...hit me! We started out saying we wanted 3 kids..... 4 was pushing it ... and still no daughter.... Just relaying how it was...the only thing that lifted my spirits was..."By golly, we're gonna try again!!".... then I was HAPPY  HAPPY  HAPPY ....

Now here is the thing...me & my husband have a stick up our a$$ about asking people or anyone to help us...not even family...we DO on our own... we pride ourselves on being able to handle it... 

We wanted ALL these Rugrats...we've never asked to borrow $$, and rarely for babysitting favors...maybe once or twice a year & we'd offer to pay in addition. *We were never burdensome* ...... I never wanted help after my C-sections either...I was on top of the world & I could handle it ALL. 



So when I learned I was pregnant with #5 ...got the timing right for that sweet little girl ... ..... My best friend threw me a Baby shower at our Church, everyone was elated for us....probably half sick of hearing how I wanted a daughter/ relieved even... My friend wanted me to be blessed with* PINK*, lace, frillys & dresses! So thankful she took the time to throw that together for me... 

Here she was a year old *>*









BUT ....I will never forget this moment ... my friend was just joking around ...how I'll probably have another one (something like that) and I heard his Mother say with a sigh ...."oh I hope not... it's too hard on the family ".... now this was right before opening up all my gifts by these lovely ladies before me...... I was ON THE VERGE OF TEARS the entire time...but I kept it together... my mind merry go rounding her words....basically what she said was ..."our children are a burden"... 

If you want to slap me in the face, this is a good way to do it...it touches deeply.. 1st of all... I didn't deserve that...sure people say stupid things ..and I'll get over it ......OH YES... wasn't going to say anything to her about it.....but I did mentally mull over that comment .....the ONLY reason she would say this....even could...*.it was about GIFTS*...giving Birthday $$, buying Christmas presents....dreaded stupid GIFTS [email protected]#$ 

I am not even a gift person, never expect from anyone..... Also his sister who never had kids because of a bad back .. would always throw these subtle remarks in over the yrs....like.... "if you have any more kids, we'll have to stop buying"...I would always tell her....Please don't buy.. we don't expect..seriously.. but she'd never listen.... did they think I was joking. Did I have to shake her... His Mother's comment was the last straw for me... 

I wasn't going to put up with these pi$$y "put downs" over the size of our family - when in reality, we are not a burden at all to them... they just let us be ...whose fault is that ! It was  to me... 

As I always do...I sat down at my computer.... a range of emotions there.. I constructed a short letter about *the true meaning of FAMILY*...WHY we wanted children... (wish I had kept a copy of this)...it was VERY GOOD, husband approved ......

How in all of this... it was *our choice*...we'll take care of what they want, generally just Games anyway... what we didn't want was for ANYONE to feel obligated to buy for our growing family, there's too many of us! It's not fair....I joked how we sure as heck wouldn't want to buy for a family our size!! This is an awkward subject, but I think I did it justice.....

And if they INSIST on buying for them (as obviously I can't stop them)...think $1 store, a bag of chocolate...a game at a Fle market...it's all good !.... it's something to unwrap...

Basically the message *>>**their PRESENCE on the holidays is what we want..what is important...being there...laughing, making memories... not their presents*..

For years, I took over the reins of hosting every Holiday at our house, we have the room, and I didn't want to burden them with all our kids ! I've always felt blessed to have FAMILY around (given my upbringing)....that is all that matters...

Can I say...after this was sent (10 yrs ago now).... NEVER again has a family member uttered a word of the smallest "guilting" over our family size in any way, I think it upped an appreciate for us & our attitude as well.... And of course they didn't listen, and still ask every year -what do the kids want for Christmas, and every year I grit my teeth and say.. "think SMALL"....I really try to get out of it... I don't like it... but what can you do! 

That was how I solved this dilemma, some may say small...but it really did bother me ... Only those with larger families may be able to relate to this post though!


----------



## Ikaika

Here is the thing, SA, from what I can tell you have a healthy family. So what if you have six, I don't see this as irresponsible, selfish or any other description. One could easily suggest that my oldest son presents probably more of a problem than your six. I mean after all what could he ever contribute to society? He is not likely to graduate from HS, may never even give back to society in any productive way. What is my son's purpose? Talk about resources, he will likely cost more to deal with than all six of your children. 

I cry about my son all the time, because my hopes and dreams for him have dissipated. He will be part of a world that is mean and cruel and what real chance does he have of being independent? I see things very different than others. I envy you (in a healthy way). I admire you (in a healthy way). Do not be discouraged or second guess what you have. What you have is beautiful. You and your Husband did good. You did very good.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

drerio said:


> Here is the thing, SA, from what I can tell you have a healthy family. So what if you have six, I don't see this as irresponsible, selfish or any other description. One could easily suggest that my oldest son presents probably more of a problem than your six. I mean after all what could he ever contribute to society? He is not likely to graduate from HS, may never even give back to society in any productive way. What is my son's purpose? Talk about resources, he will likely cost more to deal with than all six of your children.
> 
> I cry about my son all the time, because my hopes and dreams for him have dissipated. He will be part of a world that is mean and cruel and what real chance does he have of being independent? I see things very different than others. I envy you (in a healthy way). I admire you (in a healthy way). Do not be discouraged or second guess what you have. What you have is beautiful. You and your Husband did good. You did very good.


Drerio...Ya know I can't even Fathom what you face daily, the worries you carry when you & your wife pass on... how your other son will have to step up for this son....this is why I say...the small sh** is nothing compared to what some deal with....literally NOTHING....so shame on us - if we can't pull ourselves together with the normal ills of living. We have no clue! 

Feeling there is a purpose and having hope for a child's future -it has to BE painful to read some of my posts even.. as I talk like that.. 

I have a friend who works in a Home where children/ adults live ...that can't live on their own...due to mental/ physical disabilities...the more severe....I've talked to her a # of times about how she handles this....how this doesn't bring her down...she is one of the happiest people I know... she has spoken HOW these patients INSPIRE HER...even with a sparkle in her eye, using her hands, she really means it..it's not just WORDS TO HER....now do I get this ?? I want to... but I do kinda struggle here.... 

I am the type that wants to RUN out of a Nursing home, I can't stand seeing people live like that.. I could NOT work in a place like that.....I'd get depressed ! In fact the only job I ever quit without another lined up before I was married ... was a Nursing home.... I fed this lady....an hour later, she was dead... the workers seemed Cold and callus to me ....I guess you have to be... 

Back to my friend...she has taken it upon herself to bring some of these patients to local events...out in the public wheeling them around in their wheel chairs...getting others to interact with them......she says they are just like us... they feel pain, they laugh...they experience happiness....I wish she could post this...she talks about their purpose! 

But it's  too...the reality for many....She has said (as I asked)... 1/3 of family visit every day... 1/3 of family visit only on Holidays ....and 1/3 never visit -once they enter this Home..so she & the workers are their family. 

I will never forget once she was dropping her son off, called me over to read this Memorial she wrote up and devoted to one of her patients that passed on... I started to tear up... but I could see that this handicapped soul -while living...touched my friend.. very much... I am sure you can relate to that!


----------



## Thewife

OMG SA! Its simply beautiful I love reading fairy tales and yours will be one of my favourites. 

Happy Anniversary to both of you! Stay young at heart forever!


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> BUT ....I will never forget this moment ... my friend was just joking around ...how I'll probably have another one (something like that) and I heard his Mother say with a sigh ...."oh I hope not... it's too hard on the family ".... now this was right before opening up all my gifts by these lovely ladies before me...... I was ON THE VERGE OF TEARS the entire time...but I kept it together... my mind merry go rounding her words....basically what she said was ..."our children are a burden"...
> 
> If you want to slap me in the face, this is a good way to do it...it touches deeply.. 1st of all... I didn't deserve that...sure people say stupid things ..and I'll get over it ......OH YES... wasn't going to say anything to her about it.....but I did mentally mull over that comment .....the ONLY reason she would say this....even could...*.it was about GIFTS*...giving Birthday $$, buying Christmas presents....dreaded stupid GIFTS [email protected]#$
> 
> I am not even a gift person, never expect from anyone..... Also his sister who never had kids because of a bad back .. would always throw these subtle remarks in over the yrs....like.... "if you have any more kids, we'll have to stop buying"...I would always tell her....Please don't buy.. we don't expect..seriously.. but she'd never listen.... did they think I was joking. Did I have to shake her... His Mother's comment was the last straw for me...
> 
> I wasn't going to put up with these pi$$y "put downs" over the size of our family - when in reality, we are not a burden at all to them... they just let us be ...whose fault is that ! It was  to me...
> 
> As I always do...I sat down at my computer.... a range of emotions there.. I constructed a short letter about *the true meaning of FAMILY*...WHY we wanted children... (wish I had kept a copy of this)...it was VERY GOOD, husband approved ......


Wow! I didn't realized I had touched a nerve bringing up old pain. I think you nailed it about the gifts. And you are so right about the deal with holidays is not the gifts but the in person presense of sharing family time. Thank you for sharing something so personal. 

You have also given me some more insight into my wife and her family interaction that I didn't quite appreciate until now.


----------



## CharlieParker

SimplyAmorous said:


> makes me want to rise up & defend how much we wanted our children....does that even matter... it probably makes us *selfish*


No need to defend. It's also a case of you can't please everybody (so why not please yourself?), we have been called selfish for not having any children.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> Wow! I didn't realized I had *touched a nerve* bringing up old pain. I think you nailed it about the gifts. And you are so right about the deal with holidays is not the gifts but the in person presense of sharing family time. *Thank you for sharing something so personal.*


 Nerves are touched all over this forum in ways some would not even begin to understand... and that's OK..... it's nothing to apologize for even...not at all...those are/ were your feelings, it's a part of *the story*.. (whether it's yours, mine or someone else's).... it's something we all NEED to work out in ourselves..when it hits us....I have done that... as you see.. a while back... 

The "personal" comes very EASY for me to share - It probably makes me rather strange....but nice when others enjoying reading my dribble!!



> You have also given me some *more insight* into my wife and her family interaction that I didn't quite appreciate until now.


 I like this....very much !


----------



## SimplyAmorous

CharlieParker said:


> No need to defend. It's also a case of you can't please everybody (so why not please yourself?), *we have been called selfish for not having any children*.


 I want to say something about this... In my own experience ..I've heard out of the mouths of those with kids SAY this very thing, and maybe it's the 's Advocate in me.... but I never agree with them... .I have always stood up for couples who choose to NOT have kids.... because if there is anything I have learned in life & the pursuit of happiness...by just observing others...their story's....it is this >>>

The last thing any of us should do is ... CONFORM to another's beliefs or life choices *out of guilt*, or some notice of *"acceptance"* if it's NOT in our 's to go that route....this will almost inevitably lead to a place of unhappiness / unsettledness....True, this could change later down the road, but our personal passions ...so often = feeling our purpose.... so we shouldn't get sidetracked with pleasing others too much...only in the "responsible"....as this blesses ALL. 

There is NOTHING wrong with being childless, choosing a career...living life as a "vacation" even... I had a great Uncle & his wife... never wanted kids....retired early & Traveled the United States....Life was a "vacation" for them... they both lived to be in their 90's ...they'd say they didn't miss a thing! 

Also a cousin...she's a Physician's Assistant / works in the ER in a Big city...LIFE is hectic...she thrives on it... her husband a Fine chef, fancy Restaurant...they love exercising, their 2 big dogs....never wanted kids....their careers fulfill them greatly, they are very GOOD at what they do! 

I'd also say....some who throw the "*they are selfish*" comments out so quickly may even be secretly wishing they LIVED the life of those they are saying this about! It's a cover up....it makes THEM feel better about themselves, superior in sacrifice somehow..... One just never knows. 

I left this post just days ago on the "Embracing Singlehood" thread (with a few added thoughts)....


> *SimplyAmorous said:*
> Speaking of the term *selfish* in these regards...I tend to look at life a little backwards in comparison to some...I don't belong on this thread at all.... mind you..
> 
> I am the epitome of opposite thinking... some people say if you don't want kids ...you are "*selfish*".... I would say I *wanted kids* because I am "selfish"...as I selfishly enjoy having a family...(I was pissed off when I couldn't conceive - mad at the freaking world ... no jealousy or envy has overtaken me more in this life - over "doting Mothers" with little ones round about her)....My children brought me happiness.... fulfillment... so I don't think those who don't are selfish... I see them as loosing out (from my own perspective).... just as they see ME as being half crazy, why I would invite this hassle, these little mouthy brats, the added expense, sucking our time, slowing us down..
> 
> And in this also... I am probably *selfish* for wanting the HIGH ROMANCE of a lasting relationship.. I Think it's great for all of you who don't need this.. but for the life of me, I can not at all relate to your perspective.... But that's OK!
> 
> I'd likely feel like my legs were cut off if I lost my husband - being together since age 15... I LOVE / thrive on being "attached"/ having another half... this, too, has always brought me great happiness.


----------



## Caribbean Man

CharlieParker said:


> No need to defend. It's also a case of you can't please everybody (so why not please yourself?), we have been called selfish for not having any children.


Lol,
We , my wife have been called that too,
And much worse.


----------



## RedRose14

It's not selfish to not have kids ... it's not selfish to have kids ..... we are all living our own lives and are free to live how we choose, so long as we are not hurting anyone.

Who cares what people think? You don't need to justify your choices to anyone ... it's nobody's business but your own!

We always wanted kids and needed a bit of help because of sub-fertility and we're really glad we've got them ... and we love the bones of them ... but oh boy are they hard work ... especially these teenage years


----------



## hambone

SA's husband said:


> Thanks everyone for adding your thoughts , I really appreciate it, has been an enjoyable read.
> 
> 31 years ago I met my soulmate. When I read some of the things she writes about me it gets me teary eyed. When she gets mushy I just tell her to "get a grip woman", I don't really want her to, it is very flattering i love it.
> 
> She is always there for me thats why shes my lady.
> 
> Lady - Styx - YouTube


You have definitely got a keeper!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

RedRose14 said:


> It's not selfish to not have kids ... it's not selfish to have kids ..... *we are all living our own lives and are free to live how we choose, so long as we are not hurting anyone*.


 When our taxes has the ability to take from someone else to KEEP some of these families....that's the beef many have here.... *Is it FAIR ??* I am not quick to say it is... It IS a question of *Resources* & "*Responsibility*" for what we choose to do. 

*Everything we DO affects those around us...and society as a whole. * 

I mentioned a lady I found on a C-section forum on another thread, at the time she had 7 boys (or maybe it was 8?)... I was pregnant with our 4th.... we both wanted a girl very badly...(our common link).... ended up she lived 35 minutes from my house...our families met....a bit of a madhouse...what a trip... chickens outside, snakes, birds, hamsters, dogs, cats...she practically had a farm too! 

They did own their house.... Shortly thereafter... we got pregnant with our daughters at the same time...(my 5th - her 9th)...it was an exciting time... pics of our big bellies.... our little girls playing together... we slowly lost touch...she went on to have 13 children! YIKES! As you can imagine she did not work. 

Their marriage hardly as stable...nor the income... her husband on & off drugs (didn't know this at 1st)/ different Jobs/ might get fired/ separations...Her angry at her Mother for not helping her.. she'd get back with him, have another baby... I was her listening ear through some of this horrendous drama... OH she wanted them all ! She likely got over a $1,000 in food stamps in a month... (I am guessing here)...and in the same breath not saying this is why she had so many....but if these services were NOT available... would she, I say NOT. 



> *Who cares what people think? You don't need to justify your choices to anyone ... it's nobody's business but your own!*


 This is EXACTLY HOW SHE FELT...and would talk like this to me.... Can I say....I don't think like this at all...

I actually DO care what others think....within reason of course...and I wouldn't change this about myself, even if it stings at times. 

Example...I get ruffled when some look down on SAHM's like we're all stupid, eating bon bons, or lazy.... cause it just isn't so. Makes me want to argue. 

I had my limits to feeling "good" about what we could afford....without a GOOD Health Care Plan...we would have hesitated having children, if we couldn't live within our means -including food, heat, our bills, we wouldn't have had more children.. Not sure I want to get into a debate over these things (enough of this already in the Political section here)....it's a very touchy subject for many. 

But let's say a childless couple was living next to this family of 15... with mediocre jobs, maybe even struggling to get pregnant & having to pay out the a$$ for UN COVERED In vitro attempts..(we were facing this at one time)...seeing how much was EATEN out of their paychecks... while some so effortlessly keep having more kids...and reaping more benefits ...maybe they can only afford to eat hot dogs every night while their neighbors are grilling steaks & wasting food....I'd be Livid.  

At our house...wasting food is a mortal sin... always happy to use coupons, get BOGO's anything to make our food stretch as much as possible. 



> We always wanted kids and needed a bit of help because of sub-fertility and we're really glad we've got them ... and we love the bones of them ... but oh boy are they hard work ... especially these teenage years


 I never heard the term "Sub fertility"...looked it up... sounds like it's just a " decreased chance" of getting pregnant, but not a complete inability. Happy it worked out for you both...It's a great blessing. I think when it doesn't come easy, we appreciate THEM even more so. 

I adore the Teen years almost as much as the baby years... our 1st 3 sons have been a breeze.....my husband will say ..."They're not normal".... we've gotten many compliments on them over the years, people will stop us, ask if we are so & so's parents & then go on a little .....Always makes us beam....

A couple yrs ago, a Teacher called after school hrs (I was thinking this is not good!)....she wanted to talk to me ...just to tell me how proud we should be of our 2nd son....how she rarely makes calls like that.. I guess the class he was in had a lot of rowdy kids, made it difficult for her... and he always gave a positive attitude, and she was just very impressed by him. That just made our day! 

Then we have the youngest.....He got Detention in kindergarten TWICE...had to sit with the Principle even !! He wasn't having such a good beginning, then after a few months, he calmed his jets, started to get with the program , it was like he had an "about face" from one Teacher's Conference (where we were biting our lip afraid to hear what he was doing, saying) to the Next.. he's been doing great ever since...


----------



## RedRose14

I get your point SA, we have the same problem here with some families living off benefits, no intention of working, having loads of kids paid for by the tax payer, it's a big problem over here, though the government is trying to clamp down on it to some extent. I understand how that annoys people, it annoys me, H and I have never had any benefits of any kind in our lives and will probably be working til we're 70.

Sorry, I don't know how to quote certain bits of posts, but with reference to you being a full time stay at home mum ....* who cares what people think SA?* .... it's your choice to stay at home .... your decision based on what you feel is right for your family .... you don't need to justify yourself, it's nobody else's business, don't let other people's opinions bother you!

Oh and well done on having such well balanced happy teenagers ... I wish I could say I am loving it as much as the baby years .... I am finding it quite a challenge.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

RedRose14 said:


> Sorry, I don't know how to quote certain bits of posts, but with reference to you being a full time stay at home mum ....* who cares what people think SA?* .... it's your choice to stay at home .... your decision based on what you feel is right for your family .... you don't need to justify yourself, it's nobody else's business, don't let other people's opinions bother you!


Click on the QUOTE button, then just delete the parts you don't want in the quote .....

Oh don't worry about me... I am Resilient... I INVITE others opinions...I enjoy it ~ even if it gets under my skin at times... don't even try to understand this, it's likely a personality thing...I think I even write better when I am a little "Ticked"...I love that challenge to my thinking! 

I'm just NOT the type of person to tell another "It's none of your business".. I doubt I've ever used that line in my life to be honest...I'd get the boundary across in another way that has some communication attached...an agreeing to disagree, I'd find superior. 

Critics are on every corner..it goes along with breathing...I like this quote, seems the healthy way to deal...








..

I am not technically a full time Mom, I have some side jobs...gets me out of the house (helped cater a reception on Sunday)....it's just nothing to brag home about.


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> Critics are on every corner..it goes along with breathing...I like this quote, seems the healthy way to deal...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ..


I like this. It's very useful especially at TAM.

But this also applies to spouses. One of the habits that I broke was dismissing my wife's criticism. I often wouldn't take the time to understand exactly where it came from. For some reason many of us regard our spouses opinions differently than we may regard someone else's.


----------



## greenpearl

SA, 

I often think, a lot of people don't know what is good for themselves. 

People are flocking to the cities, but actually life in the countryside is the most relaxing. 

People are becoming more and more materialistic, but living a simple life is actually more satisfying. 

Some people will never understand others because they don't share the same kind of opinion about life. But it doesn't mean what they say is right. No child, one child, six children, as long as you are being responsible and loving, you have a happy family. 

When I look at your pictures, you always have a big happy smile, it means you are truly happy. Your husband is happy, your kids are happy. And that's what is important, YOU ARE HAPPY! YOU HAVE A HAPPY FAMILY!

I can foresee your life IS GOING TO BE HAPPY. Because you have the personality to live a happy life. You know the secret.


----------



## hambone

greenpearl said:


> SA,
> 
> I often think, a lot of people don't know what is good for themselves.
> 
> People are flocking to the cities, but actually life in the countryside is the most relaxing.
> 
> People are becoming more and more materialistic, but living a simple life is actually more satisfying.
> 
> Some people will never understand others because they don't share the same kind of opinion about life. But it doesn't mean what they say is right. No child, one child, six children, as long as you are being responsible and loving, you have a happy family.
> 
> When I look at your pictures, you always have a big happy smile, it means you are truly happy. Your husband is happy, your kids are happy. And that's what is important, YOU ARE HAPPY! YOU HAVE A HAPPY FAMILY!
> 
> I can foresee your life IS GOING TO BE HAPPY. Because you have the personality to live a happy life. You know the secret.


And the secret.. is to focus on family.

Not to spend your time pursuing material possessions. 

It is being connected to other people that makes us happy. Hang with people you like... who aren't competitive.. people you genuinely LIKE.

I don't care how much money my friends have, their occupation, their status etc. I want true friends. I want friends who I can call at 3 am... tell them I'm in a ditch and they will grab a chain, hop in their truck and come pull me out...

SA has got it figured out. She really does.


----------



## greenpearl

hambone said:


> and the secret.. Is to focus on family.
> 
> Not to spend your time pursuing material possessions.
> 
> It is being connected to other people that makes us happy. Hang with people you like... Who aren't competitive.. People you genuinely like.
> 
> I don't care how much money my friends have, their occupation, their status etc. I want true friends. I want friends who i can call at 3 am... Tell them i'm in a ditch and they will grab a chain, hop in their truck and come pull me out...
> 
> Sa has got it figured out. She really does.


yes, yes, yes!


----------



## Caribbean Man

hambone said:


> And the secret.. is to focus on family.
> 
> Not to spend your time pursuing material possessions.
> 
> It is being connected to other people that makes us happy. *Hang with people you like... who aren't competitive.. people you genuinely LIKE.*
> 
> *I don't care how much money my friends have, their occupation, their status etc. I want true friends. I want friends who I can call at 3 am... tell them I'm in a ditch and they will grab a chain, hop in their truck and come pull me out...*


You all are correct.

But sometimes it's so hard to figure out these things.
People can be very deceptive , especially when things are good.
When you're in that ditch @ 3.AM , and you make that call, only then you realize that you have no real friends.

I have been there before, so I know what life sometimes gives.

At least I have my wife, she's my best friend.

However I agree with what both you and Green pearl are saying.

Having good , decent people who share your values is important to a marriage and can help it develop.
Families build communities.


----------



## greenpearl

Caribbean Man said:


> You all are correct.
> 
> But sometimes it's so hard to figure out these things.
> People can be very deceptive , especially when things are good.
> When you're in that ditch @ 3.AM , and you make that call, only then you realize that you have no real friends.
> 
> I have been there before, so I know what life sometimes gives.
> 
> At least I have my wife, she's my best friend.
> 
> However I agree with what both you and Green pearl are saying.
> 
> Having good , decent people who share your values is important to a marriage and can help it develop.
> Families build communities.


Our spouse is the most important element in our happy life. When our marriage is happy, it makes other things in life trivial. 

I am very picky about choosing friends. It's almost like choosing a marriage partner. I don't like women who like to complain about their life but don't do anything about it. I don't like women who are jealous. I don't like women who are competitive. I don't like women who are vain. So it's not difficult for you to figure out that I don't have many friends. I know many people, but so far I have only found one girl who I really respect and want to be her long term friend. I think SA is better in this area, she is more tolerable of other people. 

I don't feel that I am deprived though. Because spending time with annoying people doesn't make me feel happier. I would rather be alone and do some reading.


----------



## hambone

Caribbean Man said:


> You all are correct.
> 
> But sometimes it's so hard to figure out these things.
> People can be very deceptive , especially when things are good.
> When you're in that ditch @ 3.AM , and you make that call, only then you realize that you have no real friends.
> 
> I have been there before, so I know what life sometimes gives.
> 
> At least I have my wife, she's my best friend.
> 
> However I agree with what both you and Green pearl are saying.
> 
> Having good , decent people who share your values is important to a marriage and can help it develop.
> Families build communities.


The saddest thing in life is to see a man... a successful man.. who has achieved all his life's ambitions... financially.

His wife left him along the way and his children won't talk to him.

IMO, that guy is a failure. He missed out on the joy of a loving marriage and creating a happy, close, family.

And, I'm gonna be honest, it takes a wife with the right mindset... one who loves being a wife and mom.. who puts her family ahead of herself...to really make it happen.

My wife is has the same values as SA. I would not be where I am... as happy and as satisfied and content with two great kids if it weren't for my wife. 

It was just a match made in heaven.


----------



## greenpearl

hambone said:


> The saddest thing in life is to see a man... a successful man.. who has achieved all his life's ambitions... financially.
> 
> His wife left him along the way and his children won't talk to him.
> 
> IMO, that guy is a failure. He missed out on the joy of a loving marriage and creating a happy, close, family.
> 
> And, I'm gonna be honest, it takes a wife with the right mindset... one who loves being a wife and mom.. who puts her family ahead of herself...to really make it happen.
> 
> My wife is has the same values as SA. I would not be where I am... as happy and as satisfied and content with two great kids if it weren't for my wife.
> 
> It was just a match made in heaven.


I totally agree with this. Lots of older men regret spending most of their life pursing material wealth and power, they wish that they had spent more time with their families.

After I hit 30, I didn't want to marry a man who was too ambitious about material gain and social status. I knew that he would spend most of his time away from me, and I would have to live in a big empty house by myself. So what if I drive a Benz. So what if I have a mansion. If I don't have a man to share my life with, wealth means nothing. 

I am glad that my husband isn't interested in becoming somebody important in the society, he is content having a job, making a decent salary, and living a simple life. I don't have to deal with a man who is not content and who always wants more for his life. 

But like you said, it also takes a wife with the right mindset. I am happy having a lot of my husband's time and living a simple life. I don't force him to work hard or require him to give me an upscale lifestyle.

Life is much more relaxing when there is no pressure to compete with others and try to be better than others.


----------



## hambone

Caribbean Man said:


> You all are correct.
> 
> But sometimes it's so hard to figure out these things.
> People can be very deceptive , especially when things are good.
> When you're in that ditch @ 3.AM , and you make that call, only then you realize that you have no real friends.
> 
> I have been there before, so I know what life sometimes gives.
> 
> At least I have my wife, she's my best friend.
> 
> However I agree with what both you and Green pearl are saying.
> 
> Having good , decent people who share your values is important to a marriage and can help it develop.
> Families build communities.


So, what do you look for in friends?

I want people who aren't competitive. If when I see them, the first thing they want to show me is their newest possession... and all the whistles and bells it has... they fall into the category of an acquaintance. 

If they have to have the latest in fashion, the latest gizmo, new cars etc. We aren't going to be best friends. I choose not to keep up with them. We are playing different games.. our measuring stick for success is totally different.

I have a saying, "Don't try to keep up with the Jones'. You live a Godly life... do what is in your families best interest and let the Jones' try to keep up with you!"

When I'm old... (not too far off)... I'm not gonna remember who had the fanciest gun.. I'm going to remember going hunting with my friend Phil. I'm not gonna remember who had the fanciest set up at the game... I'm gonna remember hanging out with my friend james at the game.

ALL the neighborhood kids use to hang out at our house. We ALWAYS had an extra kid or two or three spending the night at our house on weekends. 

We have a HAPPY house.


----------



## greenpearl

hambone said:


> So, what do you look for in friends?
> 
> I want people who aren't competitive. If when I see them, the first thing they want to show me is their newest possession... and all the whistles and bells it has... they fall into the category of an acquaintance.
> 
> If they have to have the latest in fashion, the latest gizmo, new cars etc. We aren't going to be best friends. I choose not to keep up with them. We are playing different games.. our measuring stick for success is totally different.
> 
> I have a saying, "Don't try to keep up with the Jones'. You live a Godly life... do what is in your families best interest and let the Jones' try to keep up with you!"
> 
> When I'm old... (not too far off)... I'm not gonna remember who had the fanciest gun.. I'm going to remember going hunting with my friend Phil. I'm not gonna remember who had the fanciest set up at the game... I'm gonna remember hanging out with my friend james at the game.
> 
> ALL the neighborhood kids use to hang out at our house. We ALWAYS had an extra kid or two or three spending the night at our house on weekends.
> 
> We have a HAPPY house.


We think the same. When I talk to someone, if I sense that they are trying to compare themselves with me, I know I don't enjoy talking to them. If I sense that they are trying to show off, I know I won't spend much time around them. 

If we want to keep up with the Jones, we will never be able to keep up, because there are always some people who are better off than us. I find my life much more peaceful that I don't care what my neighbors or friends have. I just need to make sure that my life is fine.


----------



## hambone

greenpearl said:


> We think the same. When I talk to someone, if I sense that they are trying to compare themselves with me, I know I don't enjoy talking to them. If I sense that they are trying to show off, I know I won't spend much time around them.
> 
> If we want to keep up with the Jones, we will never be able to keep up, because there are always some people who are better off than us. I find my life much more peaceful that I don't care what my neighbors or friends have. I just need to make sure that my life is fine.


Absolutely. If you aren't happy... what's the point? 

Competitive people are never happy.. they want more, more, more. Some people are doing their darnedest to create a facade of happiness.. They'd rather LOOK happy than actually be happy. 

You are right in that if your happiness is based on possessions... there is always somebody that has more stuff than you do. 

I have an illustration I use.

You've got a guy sitting on a 5 gallon bucket on a river banks with a cane pole, fishing with worms. He is content and has a loving family.

You've got a guy coming up that river, driving a 5 million dollar yacht who WISHES he had a 10 million dollar yacht... And is willing to spend all his time and energy (at the expense of his family) to achieve that goal? (BTW, when he get's the 10 million dollar yacht... he'll want a 15 million dollar yacht)

Who is richer?


----------



## SimplyAmorous

OH there is so much I can say on the subject matter of this last page +... Friends... I don't care what they earn, but if they look down on ME & my husband for driving older cars (our oldest is a 1991 - only paid $2000 & it's been ticking for 9 yrs now.. has 6 seat belts, a 4 cylinder engine..we need one of those with our Gas hogging Suburban)..... if they turn their noses up....ya know, I think that's sad ... it's not what life is about. Though honestly...we haven't felt rebuffed like that from anyone who knows us. 
We make fun of ourselves sometimes... we had a barrel of  on the way back from one of our Romantic Vacations...and we're weird, we'll think nothing of plopping $350 a night for a room like this...

Champagne Tower Suite - The Poconos 








...

...For the memories....the excitement ..the $$ is there..... but a newer car... the extra cost.. I'd spit on that...

But anyway...we stopped at this Ritzy Resort on our way home... I was curious... I read about it online......so we parked and started looking around... you could do these activities & pay as you go (astronomical ridiculous prices in my opinion)...

My husband was joking they might tow our car away... it just didn't fit there among all the shiny new Mercedes & such...basically it was an EYE SORE.....so as we were driving out of there.... we were laughing like mad......I was doubled over... I was calling it our "painted tin can"...yeah the day he did the paint job, it was windy, he got bugs in it, dripped like hell.... Oh what can you do......he was saying if I wanted to go back there, we'd have to rent a car.... oh it was great... WE LIKE US......and it's GOOD to be able to laugh at ourselves sometimes too... we still felt blessed! 

This is the car we are talking about but it doesn't look this shiny & new today....after that bad Paint day !


----------



## greenpearl

hambone said:


> Absolutely. If you aren't happy... what's the point?
> 
> Competitive people are never happy.. they want more, more, more. Some people are doing their darnedest to create a facade of happiness.. They'd rather LOOK happy than actually be happy.
> 
> You are right in that if your happiness is based on possessions... there is always somebody that has more stuff than you do.
> 
> I have an illustration I use.
> 
> You've got a guy sitting on a 5 gallon bucket on a river banks with a cane pole, fishing with worms. He is content and has a loving family.
> 
> You've got a guy coming up that river, driving a 5 million dollar yacht who WISHES he had a 10 million dollar yacht... And is willing to spend all his time and energy (at the expense of his family) to achieve that goal? (BTW, when he get's the 10 million dollar yacht... he'll want a 15 million dollar yacht)
> 
> Who is richer?


How come I am often concerned about derailing a thread? 

We can spend hours talking about life!  I am glad that SA also agrees with us in this regard. 

I read a sentence before, and it stuck with me ever since. "If you spend less than what you make, you are rich. If you spend more than you make, you are poor no matter how much you make! 

When we don't compare ourselves with other people, when we are content with whatever we have, the peace we have is tremendous, and I really enjoy the kind of peace we have. 

People who want wealth and power will never be satisfied with their life, and living with someone like that can be very stressful. Believe me, I lived with people like that before. I could really feel the insecurity and stress. I didn't like it.


----------



## greenpearl

SimplyAmorous said:


> OH there is so much I can say on the subject matter of this last page +... Friends... I don't care what they earn, but if they look down on ME & my husband for driving older cars (our oldest is a 1991 - only paid $2000 & it's been ticking for 9 yrs now.. has 6 seat belts, a 4 cylinder engine..we need one of those with our Gas hogging Suburban)..... if they turn their noses up....ya know, I think that's sad ... it's not what life is about. Though honestly...we haven't felt rebuffed like that from anyone who knows us.
> We make fun of ourselves sometimes... we had a barrel of  on the way back from one of our Romantic Vacations...and we're weird, *we'll think nothing of plopping $350 a night for a room like this...
> *
> Champagne Tower Suite - The Poconos
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...
> 
> ...For the memories....the excitement ..the $$ is there..... but a newer car... the extra cost.. I'd spit on that...
> 
> But anyway...we stopped at this Ritzy Resort on our way home... I was curious... I read about it online......so we parked and started looking around... you could do these activities & pay as you go (astronomical ridiculous prices in my opinion)...
> 
> My husband was joking they might tow our car away... it just didn't fit there among all the shiny new Mercedes & such...basically it was an EYE SORE.....so as we were driving out of there.... we were laughing like mad......I was doubled over... I was calling it our "painted tin can"...yeah the day he did the paint job, it was windy, he got bugs in it, dripped like hell.... Oh what can you do......he was saying if I wanted to go back there, we'd have to rent a car.... oh it was great... WE LIKE US......and it's GOOD to be able to laugh at ourselves sometimes too... we still felt blessed!
> 
> This is the car we are talking about but it doesn't look this shiny & new today....after that bad Paint day !


$350!!! That's NT$10,500, a quarter of my monthly salary! I have never spent money like this! I am cheap when I have to pay for hotel rooms. $100 is the most I am willing to pay. Talking about hotels, we haven't been one for quite a long time. 

I don't care for people who think they are better than others and look down on others. I actually despise this kind of snobbish people! 

I enjoy spending time with humble people!


----------



## hambone

greenpearl said:


> How come I am often concerned about derailing a thread?
> 
> We can spend hours talking about life!  I am glad that SA also agrees with us in this regard.
> 
> I read a sentence before, and it stuck with me ever since. "If you spend less than what you make, you are rich. If you spend more than you make, you are poor no matter how much you make!
> 
> When we don't compare ourselves with other people, when we are content with whatever we have, the peace we have is tremendous, and I really enjoy the kind of peace we have.
> 
> People who want wealth and power will never be satisfied with their life, and living with someone like that can be very stressful. Believe me, I lived with people like that before. I could really feel the insecurity and stress. I didn't like it.


BAM!!! You hit the nail on the head. The key to accumulating wealth has nothing to do with income. It has everything to do with controlling your spending.

Some people are comfortable spending more than they make. Others are happy spending what they make... And others are happy spending less than they make. (THAT is the way you accumulate wealth)

No matter how much you make...you can always spend more than you make.

People who are comfortable spending more than they make...
When their income goes up.. so does their spending so they don't get ahead. They just get behind faster.


----------



## RedRose14

hambone said:


> The saddest thing in life is to see a man... a successful man.. who has achieved all his life's ambitions... financially.
> 
> His wife left him along the way and his children won't talk to him.
> 
> IMO, that guy is a failure. He missed out on the joy of a loving marriage and creating a happy, close, family.
> 
> And, I'm gonna be honest, it takes a wife with the right mindset... one who loves being a wife and mom.. who puts her family ahead of herself...to really make it happen.
> 
> My wife is has the same values as SA. I would not be where I am... as happy and as satisfied and content with two great kids if it weren't for my wife.
> 
> It was just a match made in heaven.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You and Mrs Hambone have got it right Hambone ... you are an inspiration .... it's clear from your photos that you are a happy, close, loving family .... you are a very rich man


----------



## SimplyAmorous

greenpearl said:


> Our spouse is the most important element in our happy life. When our marriage is happy, it makes other things in life trivial.
> 
> I am very picky about choosing friends. It's almost like choosing a marriage partner. I don't like women who like to complain about their life but don't do anything about it. I don't like women who are jealous. I don't like women who are competitive. I don't like women who are vain. So it's not difficult for you to figure out that I don't have many friends. I know many people, but so far I have only found one girl who I really respect and want to be her long term friend. *I think SA is better in this area, she is more tolerable of other people.*


 I am pretty tolerable with people ...to a point... I understand..depending on where they are in life...they may have some hangups they need to work out yet.. I've had a GF so jealous over one of my friends she quit talking to me for years...we've known each other since dirt.... but she always gets over it and comes back around...then something else will overturn her apple cart.. but she knows if/when shes wants to re-enter my life, I'll be around... I won't go chasing her, sucking up to her.. but I don't hold grudges...and I'll welcome her back.....she's never hurt me in such a way that I seen as blatant betrayal ya know... so why get too bent out of shape, I'm just not like that. 

I had another who was going to throw me away over a misunderstanding..something I said in Haste to her soon to be EX... but I wasn't going to let her get away with it THAT easy, so I got her to come to my house...we took a long walk, had a vulnerable talk about many things... she's called me her *"best friend"* ever since then. I think friends can give up on each other too easily sometimes. 

There are certain things I very much appreciate in people...what I seek in my Friendships... IF they are Open minded...easy to talk to....and as you said Green Pearl HUMBLE... can admit their faults... realizing we all screw up from time to time...not being above ourselves to say  when we do...

Not the type you have to walk on egg shells, watching every word lest you offend them...or worry they'll throw a ..."it's none of your business" for asking a personal question... 

*And Honest* always...even in the Hard stuff....I respect that.... .I don't care what religion they are, nationality, what they do for a living, I guess I only look at the ... 

Husband's always been my Best Best friend.... but I need my GF's too.. ...they bring color into my life !


----------



## greenpearl

hambone said:


> BAM!!! You hit the nail on the head. The key to accumulating wealth has nothing to do with income. It has everything to do with controlling your spending.
> 
> Some people are comfortable spending more than they make. Others are happy spending what they make... And others are happy spending less than they make. (THAT is the way you accumulate wealth)
> 
> No matter how much you make...you can always spend more than you make.
> 
> People who are comfortable spending more than they make...
> When their income goes up.. so does their spending so they don't get ahead. They just get behind faster.


I think my husband's friend said something like this; "Your spending catches up with your income." That's what they do. I told them it's not the case with us. 

I am OK with people spend money they have, but I am not fine with people spend money they don't have. Some people borrow heavily so they can live an upscale life, my husband and I will never do that. You might think right now you have a job, you can pay your bills, but life is uncertain, it doesn't guarantee that your life will always be the same, an economy breakdown ( which I have seen a couple of times in the last decade), an accident, illness, all these things might happen. We can't blissfully think our jobs and income will last forever. And when you are used to living an upscale lifestyle, it's difficult for you to go back living a simple life when you have to. Climbing up in the society is a good feeling, but downsizing our lifestyle can be humiliating. A lot of people can't do it. Then they are involved in borrowing more to keep the same kind of lifestyle they had. 

I am not into brand names. I don't feel I am prettier if I wear one piece. I don't feel I become more important if I have one piece. A $100 purse, a $1,000 purse, they serve the same purpose for me. I might like the $100 purse more because it is more practical and I don't bitter about working for a month just for a purse.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

greenpearl said:


> $350!!! That's NT$10,500, a quarter of my monthly salary! I have never spent money like this! I am cheap when I have to pay for hotel rooms. $100 is the most I am willing to pay. Talking about hotels, we haven't been one for quite a long time.


 We used to be like this... in fact...it's one story I didn't share.....we actually skipped our Honeymoon! .... This was more my fault...no internet back then, I seen this fancy place on TV... what caught my eye...their Hot Tub & swimming pool, the atmosphere just looked like a dream.... figured we'd wing it... 

Here I made sure every t was crossed & every i dotted for our Wedding Day ...but not here!... we drove 2 hours away, hung out at a Zoo connected to the Resort (A lot of FUN, took some pics, had a memorable time)....before stopping in at the Resort desk.... 

We walked in, heard the prices to stay a night...we looked at each other... wasn't sure it was worth it...and we walked out ....Honestly this was the height of ridiculousness.... just the day before we opened thousands in cash...we were loaded... 

I always felt a little bad about that ..but really neither of us cared either, our Wedding day was perfect, it's like the HoneyMoon didn't matter to us.. 

Yet once we got our house ....I really eased up on things like this... so when we had our 4th son.... we decided to go back there..... we told them all how stupid we was (only the oldest would have understood an inkling of this)... so now they get to go on our missed HoneyMoon with us.. It was here > Oglebay Resort & Conference Center  










Once I hit Mid Life, it's like ...you know what...  is to be enjoyed...we don't live for it & never will......but if we want to go somewhere / ANYWHERE ....if we want to buy something that will heighten our Family enjoyment / Party atmosphere, whatever the case may be... We're gonna go for it....

Yet on the wanted list...we'd love to get a Hot tub outside someday...something like this







we only live once! 

I don't want to be on my deathbed saying..."I wish we took the kids here, or why didn't we do that??"... that $350 Room (heck that was even with a coupon!)....so worth it.. .... we loved it so much we went back the next year and plan to go again in the spring......Our 1st trip felt like we were "Love struck Teenagers on a new adventure"... the 2nd was more filled with "Awesome Love"... wasn't as high on sex, but it was just as enjoyable).....so happy we went...







...

Most Romantic setting imaginable....I had my ZEN filled with love songs playing lightly 24/7 , we had our own heart shaped pool ...I put candles all around it....we filled that champagne hot tub to overloading, got carried away with the bubbles....they were dripping onto the floor below....Oh the laughter..... [/URL].. had our own private photo shoot. 

Had a round bed... mirrors on the ceiling with lit up constellations, you could look down & see the pool with candles lit.....the Room was A LIVING DREAM... But there was other stuff too....Ice skating... horse back riding, speed boats, paddle boats, bike riding, hiking trails, the food was amazing...all you can eat... night club entertainment, sports activities)....

So yeah...we definitely pamper ourselves once in a while!

But like Hambones point ..it's only if it's already in the bank.. I purposely use my credit card on everything (even food, taxex, insurances if I can)... I pay in full when it hits my mailbox...we've never paid interest on anything...(excect our house)...this way...we get extra protection on our purchases AND we're earning come cash back too.. ($300 a year on one of my cards)... hey it adds up! Too many holders like me and they'll have to take away the Perks!


----------



## greenpearl

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am pretty tolerable with people ...to a point... I understand..depending on where they are in life...they may have some hangups they need to work out yet.. I've had a GF so jealous over one of my friends she quit talking to me for years...we've known each other since dirt.... but she always gets over it and comes back around...then something else will overturn her apple cart.. but she knows if/when shes wants to re-enter my life, I'll be around... I won't go chasing her, sucking up to her.. but I don't hold grudges...and I'll welcome her back.....she's never hurt me in such a way that I seen as blatant betrayal ya know... so why get too bent out of shape, I'm just not like that.
> 
> I had another who was going to throw me away over a misunderstanding..something I said in Haste to her soon to be EX... but I wasn't going to let her get away with it THAT easy, so I got her to come to my house...we took a long walk, had a vulnerable talk about many things... she's called me her *"best friend"* ever since then. I think friends can give up on each other too easily sometimes.
> 
> There are certain things I very much appreciate in people...what I seek in my Friendships... IF they are Open minded...easy to talk to....and as you said Green Pearl HUMBLE... can admit their faults... realizing we all screw up from time to time...not being above ourselves to say  when we do...
> 
> Not the type you have to walk on egg shells, watching every word lest you offend them...or worry they'll throw a ..."it's none of your business" for asking a personal question...
> 
> *And Honest* always...even in the Hard stuff....I respect that.... .I don't care what religion they are, nationality, what they do for a living, I guess I only look at the ...
> 
> Husband's always been my Best Best friend.... but I need my GF's too.. ...they bring color into my life !


That's one good quality you have and I don't. You are more patient with people. 

I have friends who come to me to seek comfort, but then I get annoyed that they just like to complain about others. I try to help them see that they might need to work on themselves, but No, they don't want to admit that they themselves are the reason why they are unhappy in life. Slowly I withdraw myself from them. 

Friendship is different from marriage relationship. When you are in a marriage, you are forced to work hard to resolve your problems because you have to live with each other daily. But as friends, like you said, it's easy for us to give up friendships, because we are not required to keep a friendship. We are not required to be faithful to this one friend. So friends come and go when situation changes. 

I used to have a close girlfriend, she is very nice, bubbly and cheerful, always likes to help out. The big difference between her and me is she likes to have many friends and I only like to have a few who I enjoy sharing my deepest thoughts. After she moved away, we slowly lost touch with each other.


----------



## greenpearl

SimplyAmorous said:


> We used to be like this... in fact...it's one story I didn't share.....we actually skipped our Honeymoon! .... This was more my fault...no internet back then, I seen this fancy place on TV... what caught my eye...their Hot Tub & swimming pool, the atmosphere just looked like a dream.... figured we'd wing it...
> 
> Here I made sure every t was crossed & every i dotted for our Wedding Day ...but not here!... we drove 2 hours away, hung out at a Zoo connected to the Resort (A lot of FUN, took some pics, had a memorable time)....before stopping in at the Resort desk....
> 
> We walked in, heard the prices to stay a night...we looked at each other... wasn't sure it was worth it...and we walked out ....Honestly this was the height of ridiculousness.... just the day before we opened thousands in cash...we were loaded...
> 
> I always felt a little bad about that ..but really neither of us cared either, our Wedding day was perfect, it's like the HoneyMoon didn't matter to us..
> 
> Yet once we got our house ....I really eased up on things like this... so when we had our 4th son.... we decided to go back there..... we told them all how stupid we was (only the oldest would have understood an inkling of this)... so now they get to go on our missed HoneyMoon with us.. It was here > Oglebay Resort & Conference Center
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Once I hit Mid Life, it's like ...you know what...  is to be enjoyed...we don't live for it & never will......but if we want to go somewhere / ANYWHERE ....if we want to buy something that will heighten our Family enjoyment / Party atmosphere, whatever the case may be... We're gonna go for it....
> 
> Yet on the wanted list...we'd love to get a Hot tub outside someday...something like this
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> we only live once!
> 
> I don't want to be on my deathbed saying..."I wish we took the kids here, or why didn't we do that??"... that $350 Room (heck that was even with a coupon!)....so worth it.. .... we loved it so much we went back the next year and plan to go again in the spring......Our 1st trip felt like we were "Love struck Teenagers on a new adventure"... the 2nd was more filled with "Awesome Love"... wasn't as high on sex, but it was just as enjoyable).....so happy we went...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...
> 
> Most Romantic setting imaginable....I had my ZEN filled with love songs playing lightly 24/7 , we had our own heart shaped pool ...I put candles all around it....we filled that champagne hot tub to overloading, got carried away with the bubbles....they were dripping onto the floor below....Oh the laughter..... [/URL].. had our own private photo shoot.
> 
> Had a round bed... mirrors on the ceiling with lit up constellations, you could look down & see the pool with candles lit.....the Room was A LIVING DREAM... But there was other stuff too....Ice skating... horse back riding, speed boats, paddle boats, bike riding, hiking trails, the food was amazing...all you can eat... night club entertainment, sports activities)....
> 
> So yeah...we definitely pamper ourselves once in a while!
> 
> But like Hambones point ..it's only if it's already in the bank.. I purposely use my credit card on everything (even food, taxex, insurances if I can)... I pay in full when it hits my mailbox...we've never paid interest on anything...(excect our house)...this way...we get extra protection on our purchases AND we're earning come cash back too.. ($300 a year on one of my cards)... hey it adds up! Too many holders like me and they'll have to take away the Perks!


It's a lovely place. You and your husband are always happy! You always have big smiles! 

But hey, SA, the place where you live now is like a resort to me. Beautiful scenery, fresh air, a lot of trees and green..................I would go to a place like that for a holiday! 

Living in the city makes me really appreciate mountains and grass lands. On weekends, we would ride our motorcycle together to the countryside to see some green! 

In 2015, my husband and I are going back to Canada again to visit my in-laws. We might go to Banff. My husband kept on telling me it's a beautiful place. We may splurge a little bit then!


----------



## heartsbeating

SA, your smiles, honesty, the way you cherish one another and your family.... I love this about you.


----------



## RedRose14

heartsbeating said:


> SA, your smiles, honesty, the way you cherish one another and your family.... I love this about you.


:iagree:Me too, SA you and your H are an inspiration to us all, as are all the other "success in marriage" stories here .... I love this section


----------



## Caribbean Man

SimplyAmorous said:


> ...
> 
> Most Romantic setting imaginable....I had my ZEN filled with love songs playing lightly 24/7 , we had our own heart shaped pool ...I put candles all around it....we filled that champagne hot tub to overloading, got carried away with the bubbles....they were dripping onto the floor below....Oh the laughter.....


There's a saying here on TAM that goes like this:
"_ Pics or it didn't happen.._"

Well,there you have it folks!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes when people hear these type of stories they tend to think that it's over the top and they must be exaggerating!

No.

Two people can fall in love , get married , face and overcome seemingly insurmountable problems ,and still be happy through it all.
Genuine love is what makes this possible.
Contentment, knowing exactly what real happiness is , and not what other people say it is.
Carving out your own path , being true to yourself , and following it.

Of course the story is inspirational. But what makes it more poignant is that it's_ true_ and unfolding day by day as we read each line, paragraph , sentence , emoticons , and photographs.

_It can be done._

Doesn't matter if you're rich , poor , whatever your circumstance, true love trumps everything.

It is possible to have a successful, monogamous , life long fulfilling relationship. Whether or not monogamy is natural is not even an issue. The only issue is,_ do you love this person enough to want to have it with them?_
Do you know what you _really_ want?
Do you know _what_ it takes to be happy?

Like Hambone said earlier, when we get old we're not going to be remembering the fancy car we drove [ yes I do like luxury vehicles, lol.] or titles we had , or the fancy clothes , or the fancy foods we ate at restaurants so much as the actual feelings of happiness , laughter [and sad times too] that we had, and those in our lives who meant the most to us,
Who we were privileged enough to share those moments with.

True love , family and respect _trumps everything_.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

greenpearl said:


> That's one good quality you have and I don't. You are more patient with people.
> 
> I have friends who come to me to seek comfort, but then I get annoyed that they just like to complain about others. I try to help them see that they might need to work on themselves,* but No, they don't want to admit that they themselves are the reason why they are unhappy in life. Slowly I withdraw myself from them.*


Yeah, I can't say these things bother me in the way it may some.... I think I thrive on *the challenge* to dig into people's psyche... I'm weird like this... giving someone a  moment ...this may frustrate the heck out of some people... but I LIKE IT !...Scratch...maybe even *LOVE* it !

When I was 18....I volunteered for a 24 hr Hotline ...It was advertised for the public/anyone to call for a listening ear, suicidal thoughts, at their wits end, feeling alone...or for information to connect them to the right services....I took the night shift. 

They gave us training for this....what I learned there was the majority of people don't want our ADVICE so much *but NEED someone to LISTEN to them...to hear them*... as when you give someone THIS... often they'll even talk themselves out of their own dilemma... 

Now we all KNOW some need a sight more HELP than that ! This I might not have so much patience with >> 

But really...until you give someone your EAR, show interest... they are not likely to listen to our suggestions / feedback.... I really enjoyed that experience ....







some were annoying who called.. repeating themselves, slurred speak - a little drunk even...you could tell how messed up they were... but I always had a way of pulling things out of them, diverting the conversation ...to get it on new tracks...it always made me feel SO GOOD when these these strangers on the end of the line...after we spoke for a time....their spirits lifted, they were feeling better, they could go to sleep, carry on another day.. 











greenpearl said:


> Friendship is different from marriage relationship. When you are in a marriage, you are forced to work hard to resolve your problems because you have to live with each other daily. But as friends, like you said, it's easy for us to give up friendships, because we are not required to keep a friendship. We are not required to be faithful to this one friend. So friends come and go when situation changes.


 I think because *friendships* was such a huge part of my life and "OUTLET" as a teenager, I will always be ever thankful for my friends... whomever they are...

True, they come & go....in seasons in our lives.. some remain with us, some move on....I know when my BEST GF and me started going our separate ways in high school (shortly after I met HIM)... it was very hard on me.. she was like the sister I never had...and I thought we'd be "TIGHT" forever...but she moved on to college, more of a party lifestyle, we were going in 2 very different directions.... She was still my Maid of Honor and all.. but I can't say I've EVER had a Girlfriend in this life that could compare to the closeness I felt with her those few yrs .. Us back in the day... 








Songs like this captures all that....  "Seasons In The Sun" by Terry Jacks



> Goodbye to you my trusted friend
> We've known each other since we were nine or ten
> Together we've climbed hills and trees
> Learned of love and ABC's
> Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees....
> 
> We had joy, we had fun
> We had seasons in the sun
> But the hills that we climbed
> Were just seasons out of time...





greenpearl said:


> I used to have a close girlfriend, she is very nice, bubbly and cheerful, always likes to help out. The big difference between her and me is *she likes to have many friends and I only like to have a few who I enjoy sharing my deepest thoughts. *After she moved away, we slowly lost touch with each other.


That's why they have Facebook... I know...I know... not everyone is into that. Sounds she was naturally Extroverted and you are naturally Introverted...Introverts generally have just a couple very close friends, that's all they need. Extroverts get energized from being around other people.. 



> But hey, SA, the place where you live now is like a resort to me. Beautiful scenery, fresh air, a lot of trees and green..................I would go to a place like that for a holiday!
> 
> Living in the city makes me really appreciate mountains and grass lands. On weekends, we would ride our motorcycle together to the countryside to see some green!


 You do the Motorcycles huh !







Nice!

Yes...we really love where we live, was our dream... when I lived in the city (staying with his parents)... not nice to say, but I *HATED it*.. I didn't want to be home, I took on more Jobs... I like my windows open, sun shining in, seeing green, falling leaves, hearing birds sing, crickets chirping, a rooster in the background, deer on our driveway, to see a family of turkeys waddling past ... I found this picture on the net ... did a double take, looks like the top of our hill when the Farmers next door do their Hay bales...it's a beautiful view from the road. 





> In 2015, my husband and I are going back to Canada again to visit my in-laws. We might go to Banff. My husband kept on telling me it's a beautiful place. We may splurge a little bit then!


 Enjoy Greenpearl & Husband ..  for engaging me on my thread !


----------



## greenpearl

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yeah, I can't say these things bother me in the way it may some.... I think I thrive on *the challenge* to dig into people's psyche... I'm weird like this... giving someone a  moment ...this may frustrate the heck out of some people... but I LIKE IT !...Scratch...maybe even *LOVE* it !
> 
> When I was 18....I volunteered for a 24 hr Hotline ...It was advertised for the public/anyone to call for a listening ear, suicidal thoughts, at their wits end, feeling alone...or for information to connect them to the right services....I took the night shift.
> 
> They gave us training for this....what I learned there was the majority of people don't want our ADVICE so much *but NEED someone to LISTEN to them...to hear them*... as when you give someone THIS... often they'll even talk themselves out of their own dilemma...
> 
> Now we all KNOW some need a sight more HELP than that ! This I might not have so much patience with >>
> 
> But really...until you give someone your EAR, show interest... they are not likely to listen to our suggestions / feedback.... I really enjoyed that experience ....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> some were annoying who called.. repeating themselves, slurred speak - a little drunk even...you could tell how messed up they were... but I always had a way of pulling things out of them, diverting the conversation ...to get it on new tracks...it always made me feel SO GOOD when these these strangers on the end of the line...after we spoke for a time....their spirits lifted, they were feeling better, they could go to sleep, carry on another day..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I think because *friendships* was such a huge part of my life and "OUTLET" as a teenager, I will always be ever thankful for my friends... whomever they are...
> 
> True, they come & go....in seasons in our lives.. some remain with us, some move on....I know when my BEST GF and me started going our separate ways in high school (shortly after I met HIM)... it was very hard on me.. she was like the sister I never had...and I thought we'd be "TIGHT" forever...but she moved on to college, more of a party lifestyle, we were going in 2 very different directions.... She was still my Maid of Honor and all.. but I can't say I've EVER had a Girlfriend in this life that could compare to the closeness I felt with her those few yrs .. Us back in the day...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Songs like this captures all that....  "Seasons In The Sun" by Terry Jacks
> 
> 
> 
> That's why they have Facebook... I know...I know... not everyone is into that. Sounds she was naturally Extroverted and you are naturally Introverted...Introverts generally have just a couple very close friends, that's all they need. Extroverts get energized from being around other people..
> 
> You do the Motorcycles huh !
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Nice!
> 
> Yes...we really love where we live, was our dream... when I lived in the city (staying with his parents)... not nice to say, but I *HATED it*.. I didn't want to be home, I took on more Jobs... I like my windows open, sun shining in, seeing green, falling leaves, hearing birds sing, crickets chirping, a rooster in the background, deer on our driveway, to see a family of turkeys waddling past ... I found this picture on the net ... did a double take, looks like the top of our hill when the Farmers next door do their Hay bales...it's a beautiful view from the road.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Enjoy Greenpearl & Husband ..  for engaging me on my thread !


See, SA, you are a very compassionate person. That's something I have to work on. You are curious about other people, and that makes it very easy for people to talk to you, and when you have an understanding heart, it means even more to others. If I want to help other people, I know I really have to work on this. Being compassionate is one of the reasons why people are happy. 

I think being forgiving is also very important about sustaining a friendship. It's important for achieving a happy marriage too. Sometimes relationships become sour just because of our egos. It's not anything disastrous, but because we have so much ego and think that others didn't treat us the way we want to be treated, we cut off the communication, and we lose a wonderful friendship. 

Because of my unique situation in Taiwan, I always have to face seeing my friends leave. My husband and I are both expatriates in this country, so friends we make are also expatriates, they come and leave. My closest friend might leave soon, and I know it's going to be a great loss for me. I will do my best to keep in touch, but when you are not seeing each other often and share thoughts face to face, I know the closeness will dwindle. The good thing about being in a religion, you can always find someone to talk to and spend time with. But what's the opportunity finding someone who you really enjoy spending time with? I know it's difficult for me.


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> ...For the memories....the excitement ..the $$ is there..... but a newer car... the extra cost.. I'd spit on that...
> 
> But anyway...we stopped at this Ritzy Resort on our way home... I was curious... I read about it online......so we parked and started looking around... you could do these activities & pay as you go (astronomical ridiculous prices in my opinion)...
> 
> My husband was joking they might tow our car away... it just didn't fit there among all the shiny new Mercedes & such...basically it was an EYE SORE.....so as we were driving out of there.... we were laughing like mad...


:iagree:

We are very similar with our marriage. We can be very frugal on many things care included but for certain experiences we will pony up for them.

We have so been at the fancy restaurant where the valet looks at you like don't belong. We get out look nice, treat people nicely, hold our heads up and let them think what they will. Most of the time the ones that drive the fanciest cars are the snottiest and lowest tippers so we prove to them that real people are nicer and more enjoyable to be around.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> :iagree:
> 
> *We are very similar with our marriage. We can be very frugal on many things care included but for certain experiences we will pony up for them.
> *


You seem to GET the way *we are*.. We can hang with the best of 'em, so long as they're not going on about golfing, yachts, country clubs, wine tasting extravaganzas or something out of our league or experience altogether...but if they have their feet on the ground and can mix among the middle class... it's all good... 

And we can dig our heels in for a good Flea Market too... my husband even takes a day off work to go to one in our area....it's the largest in the state & some travel hours to set up there...it takes all day to get through....just another "*simple*" thing we enjoy...we share a heart stopping Funnel cake & get Gyros as we walk around. 

We picked this up last year ...been wanting one for yrs... sure helps around the yard..... nice to save a few thousand + ..didn't have many miles on it at all...











> *We have so been at the fancy restaurant where the valet looks at you like don't belong*. We get out look nice, treat people nicely, hold our heads up and let them think what they will. Most of the time the ones that drive the fanciest cars are the snottiest and lowest tippers so we prove to them that real people are nicer and more enjoyable to be around.


 Oh I have a funny story about







... Goodness will we sound like pathetic Hicks...who never get off the Farm... this was before we married....we thought we'd take a day & drive to Washington DC....well we went to park and this DUDE wanted our keys..(our 1st experience)....we knew he worked there but ..well...we just wasn't comfortable handing our keys over to this stranger.... so we left -- drove back home! Never did see the darn city! We've done some dumb things in our time. We still don't care for someone to park our vehicle (we like to know where it is!)..... I have avoided hotels that use this , I figure they are too high class for us.


----------



## Ikaika

Yes, been there with the Valet before. How about having to lift the driver's side door up before closing it. And muffler? Let's just say the dead awoke when it went down the road.


----------



## heartsbeating

LOL! SA your valet story reminded me of when we went on a hot air-balloon ride. It was given to us as a special gift. Everyone was instructed to jump into the basket. Then a guy outside the basket looked to my digital camera and told me to give it to him. I held it back... didn't know what he was doing. Turns out he was taking a photo of everyone in the basket, for those who had a camera, then quickly handing them back before lift off. Hubs just chuckled at me. Ah well..!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Thank you HeartsBeating, RedRose, Meson, Greenpearl, Drerio, CB ...and my readers....for your thoughts/ feedback...

Though I am not convinced all that many want to read the HAPPY ....endless 's smeared across our faces in our marriage stories....this makes some feel worse... and I fully "get that"... knowing how I felt when I couldn't conceive...Oh the *ENVY* of those who had what my  wanted.....The last thing I wanted to hear was about happy MOMs rocking their newborns or vacationing with their big families... There has been NO ENVY that has overtaken me more so than happy Pregnant women who pop 'em out like nothing.

To get away from the Happy a little here ....I'll share my roller coaster emotions with The Green Eyed Monster...... ...stepping back in time ...these were not my best years....

I mentioned how, when I met his family, I was jealous of how close they were, the oldest sister just seemed to "HAVE IT ALL".... you know when you meet people like this......she had the Mother/daughter thing going on .... her & husband went to computer college with mine..he went on to get a great job at IBM (actually she did too but quit for pregnancy)....my husband was left behind, still the lowly "Milk Man" in a Grocery Store......she was the favored ....

There was a 2nd sister that always seemed to be in the shadows, they never got along... because she always felt this same sister got preferential treatment... .actually the younger sister was more "In your face" rude....she wasn't even sure I was right for her brother and let me know on occasion.. but I LIKED her ! Probably cause I wasn't jealous of her! Even felt a kinship cause of how we felt about the Princess Older sister. 

My dreams was never to have the Easy lifestyle $$....but I wanted 3 things very very strongly...

*1.* A Great Guy / Romance / Lasting Commitment / Marriage....








*2.* A family of my own ...








*3.* A house in the country... a little land/ privacy...to raise this family & live out our years together...







..didn't care how run down.. just wanted something we could afford/ call our own... and fix up along the way.... I didn't mind hard work, so long as my man was beside me helping. 

So his sister had her 2nd baby a little before we had our 1st son.....then I couldn't conceive.. she went on to have another... I remember feeling this fierce jealousy rise within me.... it wasn't easy for me on Holidays.... I know how WRONG this is..... but somehow you can't stop it from overtaking your mind... She also had a house to DIE for... the 1st he took me down the driveway..... I was freaking AWED....I LOVED her property...OMG a dream.... we even stayed there before we were married - when her & husband took a vacation once..... Oh what I would give for a house like THAT [email protected]#$ 

Now I was supposed to be a Christian back then....I knew I had to* pray* against this Green Eyed







...(I called it "Jealousy" too).. the difference explained HERE

....They say when you have ought against someone , to start praying for them... Now here is the thing... she didn't even do anything to me!! She is very sweet.... which made it even worse, Boy was I ever a B*TCH you might say! She never knew I was feeling all of this.. .husband did though, he didn't like it..... Me & my attitude....

One good thing... I could always admit the ugly truth of it... I was freaking envious, I knew it, He knew it. But yeah... I had to get the hell over this... so I got on my knees & told God I needed help ....to change my attitude... you see...... I can't stand being FAKE around people... I need to DEAL with myself.....get myself RIGHT...I wanted to FEEL a part of this family, they are good people.....not outside of it.. 

It's not that I didn't want for HER.... I just wanted for myself too!! LIke we all do.... I wanted to be rid of these damn feelings... to LOVE them...to be my GIDDY self... not carrying this weight around.....ya know...SMILE and hold these little blessings & not frown with this sinking feeling of "DAMN It, why can't this be me" type thing... I hated myself for begrudging a baby for God's sake!

These can be REAL strangleholds for some of us...especially us women .... SO I took this on...*praying against it*... I am not trying to push Religion here ... just relating *my story *as it played out .....and truly...this started to lift in me.. I still wasn't pregnant (that would be years away & many tests later)....but I could feel it lifting....During this time...I remember buying these darling pair of shoes for the little girl *I wanted so badly* ...my 's desire.....







.... 



Then this sister got pregnant with her 3rd shortly after (a girl of course!)...... it was very difficult but I remember struggling whether I should give this sweet baby girl these shoes and an adorable outfit I had saved back for my own someday......in it's own way it was a *"letting go"* and blessing someone else ...but damn it, those were still supposed to be for MY daughter... but I did it anyway... and I did it heart-fully... (Geez I am balling as I write this!)

Ok... so this was another stepping stone to overcoming - ridding myself of these ugly emotions...I believe, to this day...it played a part in where we are TODAY..


----------



## Convection

SimplyAmorous said:


> Though I am not convinced all that many want to read the HAPPY ....endless 's smeared across our faces in our marriage stories....t


Like hell. Quite the opposite, your story is admirable. We need more positive stories on here.

Re: the jealous years. It happens. You know, there is no ideal life, no perfect life. There's just life, and defeating those negative thoughts (as you said) helped make you who you are now. Some people surrender to the bad in their life, some fight to overcome. You fought, and look where you are now!

Please keep up the inspirational posts!

(In know all that sounds incredibly fanboy-ish, but SA, I think you guys are great. Keep at it!)


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> Then this sister got pregnant with her 3rd shortly after (a girl of course!)...... it was very difficult but I remember struggling whether I should give this sweet baby girl these shoes and an adorable outfit I had saved back for my own someday......in it's own way it was a *"letting go"* and blessing someone else ...but damn it, those were still supposed to be for MY daughter... but I did it anyway... and I did it heart-fully... (Geez I am balling as I write this!)
> 
> Ok... so this was another stepping stone to overcoming - ridding myself of these ugly emotions...I believe, to this day...it played a part in where we are TODAY..


Your action of letting go with the present for your daughter is very significant. A lot of people can say they let go, move on or forgive but its not until its followed up by a significant action that it really happens for most. I have done a lot of thinking about forgiveness recently and posted some in other threads. 

You seem to intuitively know what to do at the right time. You salvaged your well being and took your husband out of the conflict at the same time. These seemingly small things are very important to the health of a marriage. 

I suspect that you do lots of these giving acts repeatedly and due to these acts and your loving attitude you keep your marriage healthy.


----------



## amishbarnpainter

I am a good friend of Sa and husband for 20 yrs now, she's shared with me about this forum and allowed me to read their story. I made a username just to post this. I never use the computer but in this case I am doing it to let you know the trials of Sa.

You have to understand that Sa is a very intelligent human being but it's not like any of us to not have problems and she was no exception to the rule. The worst time that I have ever seen Sa was when she wanted to have kids and couldn't. If you Know Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Sa was definitely Hyde. Many nights going over to their place she was bitter. I don't know being the good friend I was back then how I put up with her. 

I understood the pain that she felt but boy I give her husband a lot of credit because he went through hell but I got to tell you as their friend I did understand how she felt. You got to understand also Sa's husband is the most incredibele man I've ever met, he met every need like the true champion he was. I give him so much credit but I also give Sa credit because through that experience she eventually got all the children and the girl she really wanted. 

There is so much more I could say but I want you all to know that these two have evolved so much in love it's an amazing story. Sometimes I wish being single I could have what they have, but as their close friend, I am so happy for them, and all those kids are my God sons and daughter. If you ever need somebody who can understand people I wouldn't hesitate to go to simply amorous. Her husband and her will always be one of my closest friends for life because they've been there for me during my hardest times. 

I am posting this at their house using their computer.


----------



## Caribbean Man

amishbarnpainter said:


> I am a good friend of Sa and husband for 20 yrs now, she's shared with me about this forum and allowed me to read their story. I made a username just to post this. I never use the computer but in this case I am doing it to let you know the trials of Sa.
> 
> You have to understand that Sa is a very intelligent human being but it's not like any of us to not have problems and she was no exception to the rule. The worst time that I have ever seen Sa was when she wanted to have kids and couldn't. If you Know Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Sa was definitely Hyde. Many nights going over to their place she was bitter. I don't know being the good friend I was back then how I put up with her.
> 
> I understood the pain that she felt but boy I give her husband a lot of credit because he went through hell but I got to tell you as their friend I did understand how she felt. You got to understand also Sa's husband is the most incredibele man I've ever met, he met every need like the true champion he was. I give him so much credit but I also give Sa credit because through that experience she eventually got all the children and the girl she really wanted.
> 
> There is so much more I could say but I want you all to know that these two have evolved so much in love it's an amazing story. Sometimes I wish being single I could have what they have, but as their close friend, I am so happy for them, and all those kids are my God sons and daughter. If you ever need somebody who can understand people I wouldn't hesitate to go to simply amorous. Her husband and her will always be one of my closest friends for life because they've been there for me during my hardest times.
> 
> I am posting this at their house using their computer.


This post made me smile because it is the way she is on the forum too!

But SA I something crossed my mind and I thought I should ask you a question about your daughter.

Is she closer in temperament to your husband or you?
Who is she more attached to?


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> You seem to intuitively know what to do at the right time. You salvaged your well being and took your husband out of the conflict at the same time. These seemingly small things are very important to the health of a marriage.


Giving me a little too much credit here Meson..... I was kinda a basketcase during some of those yrs... I was mad at God.....of all things to happen to me..... I felt cheated out of sisters and brothers.. I just wanted this so badly....and I tried so hard to live by every rule to preserve my fertility, so many take it for granted. 

So yeah. I had my moments.... this friend that posted, he's like my "Debate" partner.......we just say it LIKE IT IS... he made me sound LOVELY.. .didn't he! Oh we can laugh about it now!  We had some good times too, his personality is very much like MINE... which means if we were married, we'd likely kill each other.... He's GREAT to talk too though. 

Invited him over here for Lunch today after Church (haven't been there in months)... we were doing some catching up...We met him at Bible Study shortly after we had our 1st son, so he's been around for it all.......he's been like a piece of furniture ever since. (I'm exaggerating).... This is him yrs ago giving 2 of those God sons a horsey ride....











> I suspect that you do lots of these giving acts repeatedly and due to these acts and your loving attitude you keep your marriage healthy.


 It's easy to do loving acts when you are decently happy... not so much when you feel cheated or wronged... why I can understand other people when they are angry, mad, feel life is not fair, all that heavy stuff... telling someone to just "get over it"... it's just not all that easy.. .some have to go through a trial period and work it out..... I get that...

... I hate the fact life is not fair... but yeah...we all need to find peace with WHAT IS....*The Serenity Prayer*...how true it is.......MANY OTHER people are MY Inspiration for dealing with some of the hardships they do...that I never faced... I am not sure I ever would have calmed my jets if I didn't have more kids.. .NASTY to say... but it just ate at me...yeah I got better with his sister... but I still struggled with my friends having babies... 

I remember reading this parable about the Unjust Judge....and the *Persistent* Widow... That was ME! Parable of the Unjust Judge - Wikipedia......this lady was a real pain in the a$$ ...kept coming back and begging to get what she wanted, that's how I was with GOD you might say. 

We looked into Adoption but it's not really what I wanted.... did the whole 9 yards of Infertility testing...eventually I had Laparoscopy surgery which identified the problem - my tubes were hung up by adhesions (like cob webs kinking them)...they told me my greatest chance to conceive would be around 6 months...and yet it dragged on another 2 yrs... this was an emotional roller coaster for me.... 

I must mention this.. we once went up for Prayer at a Christian event...this older man & lady (total strangers) laid their hands on us, prayed...one of them said ..*"I see a double egg"*.. now of course my heart jumped.. you want to "hang on" to anything spoken -even though I was always a "Doubting Thomas"...but anyway... 

Though we didn't have Twins....our 3rd son was born 11 months after our 2nd...what do they call this ..*"Irish Twins"*... truly.... raising these 2 boys - has always felt like a TWIN experience... they sucked their binkys' together, both in diapers, getting the one off the bottle wasn't easy with the other there grabbing it ......near potty trained together... they've always been like best friends, fit the same clothes, the same shoes and hang with the same darn friends, even in Band together, both drummers.....









So ya know.. that couple who prayed over us... was it pulling words out of thin air... or did Something divine give them a glimpse into our future ? I don't know the answer to these things. If I shared how many prayers we had answered specifically ....many would feel I am lying... 

It was all coming to a head for me when the "Neighbors from Hell" moved in next door ...(that story I didn't share yet)... We had an In vitro scheduled around this time....at the end of my rope...nearing age 30 (I never wanted to be an older Mother)....was willing to sacrifice our $$ for our dream house - for more children...We were very fortunate his Insurance covered what it did ....

I was supposed to call when I got my monthly to start the Pergonal (the cost just for the drugs alone - $3,000)...... guess what...it NEVER CAME [email protected]#$ I was pregnant!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Caribbean Man said:


> But SA I something crossed my mind and I thought I should ask you a question about your daughter.
> 
> *Is she closer in temperament to your husband or you?
> Who is she more attached to?*


 My daughter is SWEETER than me.. she is not one to assert herself if she foresees too much conflict, she'll take the peaceful route...

There was a moment that sealed this for me...3 yrs ago now... We were at her Brothers CAMP to pick him up....she saw a LION Drinking fountain in the distance...







...she starts talking about it... saying she LIKES it.... thinks about it....asking me if it's pretty... silly things like this...but she wouldn't say she wants to get a drink...(I was thinking how crazy that was!)...and it just dawned on me like the heavens opening ....she was ALL HER FATHER ! 

And that I need to be in tuned to her subtle cues of what she wants.... Now me as a little .... I'd be pulling my mothers arm saying >> "I want a drink!".... might even act like I was DYING of thirst ...and if she didn't want to take me... I'd inform her I was going myself. ...and stomp off...Yeah..that's ME... little Miss "Take charge"..

So I say to her "______ you want to go over there don’t you, and get a drink?” and she shyly says “yeah” with a big ...

She is getting more *mouthy* as she grows older...but because she is geared Phlegmatic... I am inviting this to some extent... I don't want her to be too passive...that will NOT fare well with the [email protected]#$ ... Her best friend up the hill is the utter opposite and I feel it's good for her to play with this girl so she keeps herself from getting "mowed over"... (experience!) 

I'd say all of our kids  DAD more than Mom... how could I blame them! ...it's almost an open Joke around here...that's cool!....I know they love me too...I'm good to talk too....If I'm not glued to TAM...(I especially enjoy the Teen yrs).... 

He is more "Hands on".... I am thrilled she loves her dad like that...they are very close! 
Her last Birthday Party...one of my favorites of the 2 of them...


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> He is more "Hands on".... I am thrilled she loves her dad like that...they are very close!
> Her last Birthday Party...one of my favorites of the 2 of them...



Super nice photo! You can really tell they are close.


----------



## greenpearl

SA, your daughter is a BEAUTY!  YES, SHE IS VERY SWEET!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I was asking my Husband what the Lesson from this part of our story could be.. .he answered "*DON'T HAVE NEIGHBORS *!".... ha ha..

But I am going to say it is more along the lines of ... when your life has reached the edge...you seem like you can't take ANYMORE...feeling like this  ... :wtf: .. that you better hold on... because sometimes the hardship you are facing has the power to lead you right into your greatest blessings.

A few posts back I said *>>*


> My dreams was never to have the Easy lifestyle $$....but I wanted 3 things very very strongly...
> 
> *1.* A Great Guy / Romance / Lasting Commitment / Marriage....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *2.* A family of my own ...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *3.* A house in the country... a little land/ privacy...to raise this family & live out our years together...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ..didn't care how run down.. just wanted something we could afford/ call our own... and fix up along the way.... I didn't mind hard work, so long as my man was beside me helping.


I talked about #*1* and the struggle for #*2* ....

Now about the HOUSE.... Since we met, we'd always take back country roads... imagine living in the country....children playing in the field... why we saved every dime ..

*Some of the houses we looked at, so funny looking back...and thank God they all fell through!*.. 

*1.* Would have loved buying our 1st little house on the hill, rented from his Aunt, 3 acres, the land was breathtakingly beautiful...(wedding pic in Post #4 on that Driveway)...but the house was SO tiny...we had a  move from there...they wanted to sell for double what the bank felt it was worth....so we moved.... (lived there 6 yrs) 

*2.* We had eyes on the house across the yard...2 old brothers lived there, never married...one died...I used to visit the other (husband loved this old man)...bring him pie, and sit & talk, he seemed so lonely....and how very sad...I remember a conversation we had....he wanted to know why God doesn't take him "home" already.... not long after this ...he took a gun to his head & shot himself in the basement shower stall !... TRAGIC ! ...Why..he didn't want to end up in a Nursing home. 

His Niece wanted us to have that house.. a steal ...but a Lawyer stepped in & there was a Bidding process ..Husband's dad insisted we stick to 1 price & not go over...we listened...and didn't win the bid... At the time I was feeling we made the biggest mistake of our lives, that house only went for $24,000 - 5 acres..way off the road... but the basement "memory scene"...well ....haunting...it was not meant to be. 
*3.* We looked at one with 40 acres - it had an outhouse







.... that's OK...We could add a bathroom! ... Really run down... The only reason we passed ...too close to the road....

*4*. We looked at a Double wide....Amish neighbors ...the owners told us that if we buy it, not to be surprised if we come home, to find the Amish guy sitting in the living room watching TV , husband recalls him saying he'd climb through the window to get in. Oh my! We didn't win the bid... I didn't feel so bad about that one!

*5.* His Father felt we officially "lost our minds" when we took him to see a trailer through a long zig zagging corn field we were thinking of buying... this had to be the craziest place we looked at -due to it's location. 

*6.* Leaving our little house on the Hill..... we found a beautiful house with new carpet/ updated everything....(most people would have loved this place, Suburban, perfect)....we RUSHED, put a down payment of $1,000 to hold it... ..That night, couldn't sleep.. tossed & turned, *NO PEACE*....I didn't want it / had to get out of it....Figuring we'd loose the whole $1,000...we told them the next morning....they gave us $500 back (we were lucky!)..I felt we dodged a bullet. 

*7.* Our friends Grandma was selling at this time... (hated this house, too close to the road) but it was on "Article of Agreement"... The deal ... $30,000...if we put half down, we'd pay her $250 a month...NO INTEREST ... who offers something like that [email protected]#$% ....We couldn't find RENT cheaper than $250 a month!....and it had almost 2 acres in one of the Best School Districts in our area...we saw an* investment* .....this place needed so much WORK ....but we had *"PEACE"* this time around...even though it's not at all what we wanted.....we moved in...(back in '94)

Now, in the back of our minds...there was always ONE SPECIAL HOUSE.....it was "*the dream*"....His sisters place....down that long driveway... During my struggle to lay down *the ENVY*...to embrace her / the babies.....I did get on my knees & Ask God if EVER there was
a way we could call that house our own... "if it be HIS Will"...to allow that to come to pass...this scripture in mind...







but honestly, I knew we were just too poor....a PIPE DREAM....with 50 acres, a 3 stall garage, a newer addition...No way in this world on his meager $8.25 an hour income in a Grocery store...even if they were to sell someday.


----------



## greenpearl

Hey, SA, don't keep us in suspense. 

I am waiting for the information of your DREAM HOUSE!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

So we moved in...(Our 2nd house)....it was Block, it was huge...and it needed *WORK* (if we ever wanted to sell it)....Our dislike for it... *motivated* us to work our butts off improving it....I took on some jobs - to help save more $$...this also took my mind off getting pregnant to some extent. 

The Gas Bills ... !!! Why he built another chimney, installed duct work & a wood/ coal furnace... We laid cement in that room (originally dirt), put a new roof on, painted it, knocked out parts of the wall to add windows, replace windows / doors, we remodeled the bathroom, the land was muddy.. so we had dirt hauled there to build it up ... then for our son, we built that 2 story Playhouse (shown in post 43 )...

The original neighbors...they were wonderful... older couple, kept their yard immaculate.... always a wave & a , the type to bring you cookies when you move in.....husband & him would shoot the breeze when they were outside...he let us know he was happy to see us move in cause we were doing our best to improve the place...as it was an EYE SORE...needing much tender loving care... Then about a year & a half in.... they moved ...

*I think we're all a little apprehensive about new people moving in next door..*.

The 1st inkling we got these people may not be so wonderful is when the little boy walks over to see our Playset & he has a black eye







...soon the Parties began... Quads up & down the road, in the other neighbors yard when he wasn't home... drinking .......we learned they weren't married & rich Daddy bought them the house...

One fine day...laying on my hammock reading Ted Bundy's life story (Yeah I like sick stuff like that)...and WHAM ...... one of their buddies wrecked a QUAD into our yellow Chevette ON OUR Property.... these A-holes are half drunk...our door gashed in & rocker panel .... the Gall of them ...telling us our car was too old & it wasn't worth anything. Ok... ya know what... arguing with "low character / no respect for others property wreckless shameless idiots" is not something me & my husband will do... F*** it...we'll buy another... and we did ...

They set the woods on  early on...Fire Dept next door...excitement ...could have done a sitcom on this family...I wanted to kill them during 4th of July... these jokers setting off fireworks! ...We heard after we moved, they set their house on fire. 

So I called the Land Surveyor... Time for a FENCE spanning the entire length between us... they decide to get 2 rottweilers ...lovely, now they are running into our yard around the fence...we can't win...wasn't comfortable with our little boy being around those dogs. 

Then... one of their friends parks his car & hits our fence! damaging it... this was ME >>







....time for a sign as I refused to deal with them, knew it would tick them off, but what the hell to do...I wanted to write "Don't hit the Fn' fence" ....but instead wrote >> "Don't hit the fence again" (sarcastic yes)... She came running out the door at my husband when she seen this & said "You have a problem with us, you want ____ to come over!".... at this point.... 

One more sign went up... a







in our Front yard.. we were DONE!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Now...I got







during this craziness...but for a time.... it just seemed like all our dreams were turning to dust....we spent our days working on this house we wanted out of... the neighbors made us feel like this *>>*...never forget reading this story in Readers Digest ...how this one man set up a manikin in army fatigues inside his glass doors with his finger up







... positioned so his neighbor could see this every day.... Oh Lord, did I :rofl: reading that...and there I was...entertaining things like this...God help me! 

And here we were ready to do IN VITRO screwing our chances of getting away from them/ affording another house.....I was getting depressed ..







..... 

One fateful day...2 of my Great Aunts (beloved Grandma's sisters) & their Pastor husbands came to visit...It was a BAD DAY for me... I was distraught sharing all of this...crying.....I remember feeling "HOPELESS".....They wanted to pray for us... we stood in a circle holding hands...







....2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant... The JOY... the Relief... the Amazement [email protected]#$ ....It's like the Gates of "everything we ever wanted "...started a domino effect....

Again, I am not pushing religion here...this is just HOW it played out...and for us...*it was significant*!! 

There were a # of things that brought this all together...had they happened at any other time... we would NOT be here today.



> *1.* The Neighbors from Hell - driving us out - the timing was "heaven sent"! (I'd kiss them today & have said this for the last 16 yrs!)...
> 
> *2. *We were desperate, ready to go back & buy our 1st little house on that hill...they never did sell it... we didn't care if they were asking 3 x what it was worth!
> But a monkey wrench was at play....His Dad & Uncle (the owner) were in a FEUD ...when he got wind of this, he was
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...he wouldn't have us giving this Uncle a dime!
> 
> *3.* Amazingly...His sister & husband had their house on the market !.....Their kids were in too many activities & they were tired of all the running to town & winter driveway hassles...
> 
> Now....Me & my husband are not the type to ask for help from anyone...Would you believe THEY (his dad & his sister) came up with *a plan* for US to get her house ...Him coming to us with this....*I cried*...I couldn't believe my ears.... He was offering to loan us what we needed to get into her house...whatever it took...
> 
> *4.*. Selling our House...called a Realtor...she was a Gem... we had buyers signing the papers 3 weeks later... why did they want it.... the guy always wanted a wood/coal furnace
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .....and she LOVED the
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ....we told them if we didn't get such & such a price ...we'd be taking the Play set with us .... they gave us our asking price!
> 
> We only lived there 2 yrs...the investment paid off ! This house was our "stepping stone"...I look back & can now see WHY I had *no peace* with that other .... but we did here.... we made a nice Profit ...we were able to put down $40,000 on our Dream house (actually $60,000 with his dad's help)...this was just 6 yrs into our marriage & he was still working at that Grocery store.
> 
> *5.* "People's Bank" had a special LOAN where the buyers can BYPASS the well & septic test... this was for a limited time ...Without this particular offer....our buyers wouldn't have been able to get a loan... so WOW... this too played a part in it all coming together.
> *6.* Had I not gotten over my *green eyed*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> & played the cold sister in Law... I just don't feel we'd be here....they had a buyer willing to pay thousands more, but she wanted her brother to have this house, to keep it in the family... so she took the CUT...(her husband on board)....I told you she was sweet!!


Now I can not begin to express *the Gratitude*...*the Thankfulness* I felt... to the depths for this coming to BE....every time I drove down that driveway, this feeling of amazement was upon me...that this...was now our property, our house... and it wasn't even a Dream! 

....


----------



## Curious_Guy

What a relief for you! 

Crazy how other idiots can screw up your life right?? Thank goodness you're away from those psychotic idiots now! 

I remembered when I had neighbors blew fireworks above my house and dust all landed on my cousins and I. I legit screamed, "CAN YOU STOP BLOWING IT ON TOP OF US PLEASE??!!?!?" (Though I feel bad cause they were actually nice neighbors and not delusional ones. My teenage attitude got the best of me that time).

Look at you now! Here you are with a loving husband and adorable children, living in the house of your dreams. 

Life is basically like that you know?? It's like a game where you having such a hard time playing, but once you have faith, you'll know you'll win at the end. It's your enemies and obstacles in life that makes you stronger. With more strength and faith comes more determination. That's what you need to win the game! So.... Good job at beating your game! 


You're not pushing into religion right here, this is definitely God's doing!!! Congrats!!!! :toast:


----------



## hambone

Where I live, we shoot a lot of fireworks off on New Years Eve and 4th of July.

We have this elderly gentlemen who lives about across the street and about 2 houses down. He's the nearest thing my kids have to a grandfather. He's in his early 90's.

About 5 years ago... people were shooting off fireworks on the next street over. They shot a rocket. Honest to god, that thing came through our friends bedroom window (he's in bed)... went across the room (over him)... hit the wall... fell into a chair and exploded..

Poor Sam was quite a rounder in his younger days. Still is for an old man. He was telling the story the next day... I asked him what he thought was happening when it happened. He paused... looked at me just as serious as he's ever looked and says, "I thought the Devil himself was coming to get me!"

That is still legendary in the neighborhood. (remember that time the devil came to get Sam?)


----------



## greenpearl

SA, I want to say that you are very lucky, but my husband always says people make their own luck. I think you made your own luck. You were persistent in finding your dream house, you didn't give up. You were also persistent in getting pregnant, you didn't give up. Some people give up easily, they don't do anything to change their life, they just sit there and complain. You are not a complainer, you are a doer. 

Having good neighbors is very important for our peaceful life. Nowadays people seem to care less and less about others. It's a shame. I always tell my students to be considerate of others whey they play. Don't let your happiness becomes somebody else's misery. We live in an apartment building, so having good neighbors is even more important since we are so close to one another. Neighbors next door, neighbors upstairs. We are very glad that we have good neighbors. We have been living in this apartment for seven years, and we haven't had any problems with our neighbors. We are grateful for what we have. Now we are able to afford a bigger apartment, but we don't want to move because it is such a wonderful place.


----------



## hambone

greenpearl said:


> SA, I want to say that you are very lucky, but my husband always says people make their own luck. I think you made your own luck. You were persistent in finding your dream house, you didn't give up. You were also persistent in getting pregnant, you didn't give up. Some people give up easily, they don't do anything to change their life, they just sit there and complain. You are not a complainer, you are a doer.
> 
> Having good neighbors is very important for our peaceful life. Nowadays people seem to care less and less about others. It's a shame. I always tell my students to be considerate of others whey they play. Don't let your happiness becomes somebody else's misery. We live in an apartment building, so having good neighbors is even more important since we are so close to one another. Neighbors next door, neighbors upstairs. We are very glad that we have good neighbors. We have been living in this apartment for seven years, and we haven't had any problems with our neighbors. We are grateful for what we have. Now we are able to afford a bigger apartment, but we don't want to move because it is such a wonderful place.


Having friends, bonding with people is where it's at. 

It's nice to have acquaintances... but real, true friends are few and far between... Cultivate close friends.

And the ones you need to cultivate the most... family...


Possessions are nice but for long term satisfaction in life , friends are where it's at...


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Curious_Guy said:


> What a relief for you!
> Crazy how other idiots can screw up your life right?? Thank goodness you're away from those psychotic idiots now!


 Talking about this today, my husband said back then he just wanted to pull the car out when this neighbor was popping his wheeley's all over the road on his ...







this was not a country road mind you, more like a nice suburban neighborhood....the other neighbors couldn't stand them either, we just happened to be the closest. After we moved, we heard he beat her up, they broke up & moved. When you live reckless like that, it's not like anyone has to DO anything to you...eventually it catches up.. they destroy themselves. 

Many may feel we were too lenient, not arguing to get our $$ for the car, pressing the issue...that my husband should have threatened to rough him up or something....We just don't deal like that... unless someone came at us with physical force.... WE just don't trust people LIKE THAT to fight fair and I didn't want to be looking over my shoulder, flat tires, broken windows, you get the drift. 

We have absolutely no ill will towards them, haven't thought about them in years.. I might look him up on FB for pure curiosity ! !! I count them moving next to us as leading to one of the greatest blessings to our lives... in regards to belief in God...because of these experiences, I think like this >> 












Curious_Guy said:


> I remembered when I had neighbors blew fireworks above my house and dust all landed on my cousins and I. I legit screamed, "CAN YOU STOP BLOWING IT ON TOP OF US PLEASE??!!?!?" (*Though I feel bad cause they were actually nice neighbors and not delusional ones*.


 It's tough when one is into these things but doesn't live in the country to set them off.. we got the place for that, a huge open field, but they always make me a little nervous...We stick with the smaller stuff..


----------



## hambone

Fortunately, we have never had neighbors like that... 

And we have friends that do live out int he country who throw a NYE party every year. That's where we shoot off the fire works.

Funny, when my son was about 5 years old... he called firecrackers, "Fire workers".


----------



## greenpearl

hambone said:


> Having friends, bonding with people is where it's at.
> 
> It's nice to have acquaintances... but real, true friends are few and far between... Cultivate close friends.
> 
> And the ones you need to cultivate the most... family...
> 
> 
> Possessions are nice but for long term satisfaction in life , friends are where it's at...


I totally agree with this. I know many people, but they are the kind of " Hello, hi, how are you?" type. I am nice to them, and they are nice to me, but that's it. There is no deep interaction. But when I get together with my close friend, it's so refreshing and enjoyable spending time together, we can talk for hours. Life, marriage, family, work, and religion. We don't just touch the surface, we discuss deep stuff, share opinion. 

Friends are important, but family is also important. They serve different purposes. Good friends are difficult to find, but family is always there. Having a good relationship with our family is very important. We live far away from our families, but my mother-in-law and I send each other emails almost every day to tell each other what is happening in our life. This has really helped us feel close. I also feel close to my husband's extended family because my mother-in-law gives me information about them regularly. I call my parents, my brothers, my sisters, and my nieces regularly to keep in touch with them. 

I feel that friends are good to spend time with, but family is the one who you seek help when you need it. When you need help, you feel more comfortable asking your family instead of your friends. I organize my life well so I don't need to seek help from my family, but I know they are there when I need them. 

When we are old, money is only convenient when we are sick. But we need friends to spend time with. If we don't have friends to talk and laugh together, our life will be very lonely and empty. I have realized that, so now I am working hard to cultivate good relationships with neighbors, co-workers, and people I know in my religion. I want to have a few close friends to spend time with. It's also the reason why I am back in my husband's religion. I don't agree with what they teach 100%, but it's my backup plan to find association.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

greenpearl said:


> SA, I want to say that you are very lucky, but my husband always says people make their own luck. I think you made your own luck. You were persistent in finding your dream house, you didn't give up. You were also persistent in getting pregnant, you didn't give up. Some people give up easily, they don't do anything to change their life, they just sit there and complain. You are not a complainer, you are a doer.


 I LIKE what you say here Greenpearl..... I know I have mentioned GOD/ scripture/ a # of times in these last few pages...even though I no longer consider myself a Christian...in any fundamental sense... My favorite Debater was Christopher Hitchens..an atheist... 










I am not sure it matters either what one believes... I can attest, I tend to be rather pessimistic in regards to *Faith* many times....I'd probably bank more on statistics even.....YET...in my *Reason* (which is also Creator given)... I've always been bound & determined to DO whatever I could possibly DO to bring about the things I / we wanted in this life...hopefully without messing it up...as best of our ability...I can be tenacious in this way.....always weighing the Pros & cons along the way..... if this makes sense...yet I'll still get on my knees... Don't have all the answers..and I'm *OK *with that. 



> Having good neighbors is very important for our peaceful life. Nowadays people seem to care less and less about others. It's a shame.* I always tell my students to be considerate of others whey they play*.* Don't let your happiness becomes somebody else's misery. *


Here is another one for your students... Teacher Greenpearl .....











> We live in an apartment building, so having good neighbors is even more important since we are so close to one another. Neighbors next door, neighbors upstairs. We are very glad that we have good neighbors. We have been living in this apartment for seven years, and we haven't had any problems with our neighbors. We are grateful for what we have. Now we are able to afford a bigger apartment, but we don't want to move because it is such a wonderful place.


 It makes all the difference in the world ~ Yes! 

Our closest neighbor now is about 900 ft from our house...we were so thrilled when they moved here 4 yrs ago.... Our daughter has a best friend from this family, same age.....living out in the country, this is very sweet... her older sisters do little "auctions" with the girls.. she comes home with little goodies, like make up, candy bars, gum, hair ties, they have so much fun. ...I hope they never move! They even hang upside down together...


----------



## greenpearl

SimplyAmorous said:


> I LIKE what you say here Greenpearl..... I know I have mentioned GOD/ scripture/ a # of times in these last few pages...even though I no longer consider myself a Christian...in any fundamental sense... My favorite Debater was Christopher Hitchens..an atheist...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am not sure it matters either what one believes... I can attest, I tend to be rather pessimistic in regards to *Faith* many times....I'd probably bank more on statistics even.....YET...in my *Reason* (which is also Creator given)... I've always been bound & determined to DO whatever I could possibly DO to bring about the things I / we wanted in this life...hopefully without messing it up...as best of our ability...I can be tenacious in this way.....always weighing the Pros & cons along the way..... if this makes sense...yet I'll still get on my knees... Don't have all the answers..and I'm *OK *with that.


As a Chinese, we were taught that there is no GOD. It's superstitious to believe in superpower and miracles. I don't believe in GOD. But I like the wisdom the Bible and Buddhism teach. My personality changed a lot because of the information I got from these religions, I am a much happier person because of the reading I did. I also like to be around people who have Bible wisdom or Buddhism wisdom or life wisdom( some people become wise because of their own life experience). I find these people complain less, they are more forgiving, their life is more organized, they are less competitive, and their attitude is more positive. I tell them I don't believe in GOD or gods, but I appreciate the wisdom they are teaching. In a religion, there are still people who are competitive, jealous, greedy, and arrogant, I just stay away from them. I try to look for people who I am comfortable with. I find myself much more peaceful when I am in a religion. So I won't say religion is all bad for people. But we do need to be careful not to take into whatever they teach. I don't want to be brainwashed by them.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

greenpearl said:


> As a Chinese, we were taught that there is no GOD. It's superstitious to believe in superpower and miracles. I don't believe in GOD. *But I like the wisdom the Bible and Buddhism teach. My personality changed a lot because of the information I got from these religions, I am a much happier person because of the reading I did. I also like to be around people who have Bible wisdom or Buddhism wisdom or life wisdom*


 You know I feel the same Greenpearl... Oh yeah..... I am all about finding "common ground" with other religions...*tolerance* while we live here, as not one of us can "prove" our claims, creeds & Doctrines.... I can respect others Traditions/ beliefs so long as they aren't condemning me to eternal damnation or infidel status for questioning.... ya know. 

One of my favorite sites for learning various beliefs/ our differences/ what separates / what we have in common (the Golden Rule for instance).. is Religious Tolerance.org- a wealth of information .....as it is a multi-faith group consisting of one Atheist, Agnostic, Christian, Wiccan and Zen Buddhist.. I really LIKE their "statement of beliefs" (given on that link)...how they broke it all down, showing their foundation....

This is something I always say *>>*To me, it matters not what anyone believes, because if their belief makes/helps/uplifts them to be that better person/that good example to mankind & more helpful to society as a whole in this crazy selfish world, then I say .... "Live and let be", cause I think we all have MORE in common than NOT in common if we can just look beyond our "Creeds". 

I've always enjoyed *PROVERBS* in the Bible and *Ecclesiastes* ... I can't argue with the Fruits of the Spirit...don't we all need more of those?







..




greenpearl said:


> Friends are important, but family is also important. They serve different purposes. *Good friends are difficult to find, but family is always there.*
> *....*
> 
> I feel that friends are good to spend time with, but family is the one who you seek help when you need it. When you need help, you feel more comfortable asking your family instead of your friends. I organize my life well so I don't need to seek help from my family, but I know they are there when I need them.


My experience has pretty much been the opposite.....I've always been closer to my friends than family (meaning extended family)...even on his side, they are great, they all come over for the Holidays.... but I wouldn't call us "close"..we kinda feel the "eggshells" a little with them.... gotta watch the subjects.....we don't feel the freedom to "let it all hang out" the way we do with our good friends...... I think the water is thicker than the Blood for me.... It's just always been that way. 

We had good friends who moved over 3 hrs away.... we really miss them coming over, they'd bring the whole clan....Him & her, me & my husband would sit under the Gazebo & talk for hours (while the kids played)..... about anything, everything, including Politics, religion, Sex, our jobs-his adventures driving Bus for College students... marital stuff... we'd laugh, we'd be serious... the whole gamut, I've known her since 2nd grade -that's about 40 yrs!... 

Our last visit, a few months back.... she told me the husband & their 2nd daughter got choked up after we left... didn't think it would hit them so hard. 

On her living room wall, she recently painted a Large Family Tree from the trunk at the bottom to the branches to the ceiling..







...I loved the idea......not long after our visit she sent me a FB photo (a pic with all of us







) ...hanging on her TREE. This was very touching...


----------



## greenpearl

SimplyAmorous said:


> You know I feel the same Greenpearl... Oh yeah..... I am all about finding "common ground" with other religions...*tolerance* while we live here, as not one of us can "prove" our claims, creeds & Doctrines.... I can respect others Traditions/ beliefs so long as they aren't condemning me to eternal damnation or infidel status for questioning.... ya know.
> 
> One of my favorite sites for learning various beliefs/ our differences/ what separates / what we have in common (the Golden Rule for instance).. is Religious Tolerance.org- a wealth of information .....as it is a multi-faith group consisting of one Atheist, Agnostic, Christian, Wiccan and Zen Buddhist.. I really LIKE their "statement of beliefs" (given on that link)...how they broke it all down, showing their foundation....
> 
> This is something I always say *>>*To me, it matters not what anyone believes, because if their belief makes/helps/uplifts them to be that better person/that good example to mankind & more helpful to society as a whole in this crazy selfish world, then I say .... "Live and let be", cause I think we all have MORE in common than NOT in common if we can just look beyond our "Creeds".
> 
> I've always enjoyed *PROVERBS* in the Bible and *Ecclesiastes* ... I can't argue with the Fruits of the Spirit...don't we all need more of those?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ..


Thank you for telling me that website, I am sure I am going to spend a lot of time there. 

I like to be in a religion, but I know I will never belong to one of them. I just like the wisdom they teach, I don't follow their tradition and rituals. They celebrate Christmas or not, it doesn't matter to me. They worship their family ancestors or not, it doesn't matter to me. I don't believe in hell and heaven, so Armageddon doesn't mean anything to me. I find those people who condemn others are foolish, because that shows how self-righteous they are. I don't like those people who think they are better than others just because they have a religion. 

But I like what they teach about how to get along with people, how to stop our inner struggle and find inner peace. They cultivate compassion, altruism, kindness, forgiveness, and etc. Stop being greedy, stop being jealous, stop being arrogant, stop being angry, all these kind of things. They help us examine ourselves and become better people. My parents never taught me this, I used to let my personality control me, they let their personality control them, so we have all kinds of problems in life. When we are lost in life, we don't have guidance. We don't know what we should do to stop our personal struggle. Now after all the reading I have done, I feel that I am much more confident about life. I know how to get along with people and face my own imperfection. 

What I don't like religion is that they are so divisive. They all claim their religion to be the best religion or the true religion, only they will be saved and others will be condemned. It teaches these people to be arrogant. They have this superiority over others just because of their religion. I am really uncomfortable around this kind of people. So tell you honestly, when I go to my husband's religion, I am surrounded by a lot of people I don't like. But I will find good people there. I feel the good people are usually quiet, they don't want to be important or attract attention, they just want to better themselves and live a more peaceful life. They are more genuine. 





SimplyAmorous said:


> My experience has pretty much been the opposite.....I've always been closer to my friends than family (meaning extended family)...even on his side, they are great, they all come over for the Holidays.... but I wouldn't call us "close"..we kinda feel the "eggshells" a little with them.... gotta watch the subjects.....we don't feel the freedom to "let it all hang out" the way we do with our good friends...... I think the water is thicker than the Blood for me.... It's just always been that way.
> 
> We had good friends who moved over 3 hrs away.... we really miss them coming over, they'd bring the whole clan....Him & her, me & my husband would sit under the Gazebo & talk for hours (while the kids played)..... about anything, everything, including Politics, religion, Sex, our jobs-his adventures driving Bus for College students... marital stuff... we'd laugh, we'd be serious... the whole gamut, I've known her since 2nd grade -that's about 40 yrs!...
> 
> Our last visit, a few months back.... she told me the husband & their 2nd daughter got choked up after we left... didn't think it would hit them so hard.
> 
> On her living room wall, she recently painted a Large Family Tree from the trunk at the bottom to the branches to the ceiling..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...I loved the idea......not long after our visit she sent me a FB photo (a pic with all of us
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ) ...hanging on her TREE. This was very touching...




It's so nice to have true friends in life. I can really understand the feeling. Modern technology has made people dependent on other people less, so we are not trying hard to cultivate good relationships with other people. But as human, we need human interaction. Life is much more relaxing when you get along with people well, and life is much more enjoyable when you have friends to laugh and cry together. Your heart is warm when people show their affection to you. But if you don't show affection to others, how can you expect others to show love to you. When we are old, it is even more important for us to have friends. I believe that some people are depressed because they don't have friends. I have realized that it is one problem I am facing and I have to solve it. I have been reaching out and cultivating friendship. I don't want to be old and lonely. If I cultivate a pleasant personality, I believe I will always have friends. I don't expect to have friends who will help me out when I am in difficulties, I just want friends who I can spend time and enjoy life with. 

Traditional Chinese custom still run deep in my blood. Family is important to me, even though sometimes they can be annoying and frustrating. I help them out when they need it. I just assume that as my responsibility. When I was young, my brothers and sisters would pay for my tuition just because I was their sister. We are taught this way. The close feeling has become less after we all grow up and have our own families. Now we focus more on our own families than the big family we used to have. But when we do get together, we have good time together.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

greenpearl said:


> *Thank you for telling me that website*, I am sure I am going to spend a lot of time there.


 I thought you might appreciate that one! 



> I find those people who condemn others are foolish, because that shows how self-righteous they are. I don't like those people who think they are better than others just because they have a religion.


 I am so with you Greenpearl :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: ...this too gets under my skin.... I have a tendency to want to argue with these sort of people though... so if they start laying it on ME..... I dish a little back....I like to get them to dig themselves in a hole ...so they can see how bad they sound....I once had my aunt eat right out of my hand with my questions....she is so fundamentally Bible driven, I got her to admit if GOD said so, she'd "stone" her son. That was an interesting moment....hopefully she went over that in her head a few times after our exchange. 



> But I like what they teach about how to get along with people, how to stop our inner struggle and find inner peace. They cultivate compassion, altruism, kindness, forgiveness, and etc. Stop being greedy, stop being jealous, stop being arrogant, stop being angry, all these kind of things. They help us examine ourselves and become better people.


 Yes, much of this is basically common sense with some spiritual reachings beyond ourselves, even if we can't explain it. When we look at the beauty in nature, it's hard to imagine it all was just an accident....maybe it was....but that is reaching FOR ME somehow...

And the Power of ....where does this come from, can it even be explained...what causes us to have "*conscience*"... compels us to do the right thing, or we feel shame... 

So whomever/ whatever designed us, our bodies, our brains .....how man has managed to eradicate polio, small pox....to build skyscrapers, and fly to the moon.....I am in AWE ! And I have HOPE good things await...beyond this life as well...but I can not claim. 



> My parents never taught me this, I used to let my personality control me, they let their personality control them, so we have all kinds of problems in life. When we are lost in life, we don't have guidance. We don't know what we should do to stop our personal struggle. *Now after all the reading I have done, I feel that I am much more confident about life. I know how to get along with people and face my own imperfection*.


 Yes, we are all imperfect....but yet it still has it's beauty...did you see my thread on this...
 - click on there and check out all the photo quotes I used. 



> What I don't like religion is that they are so divisive. They all claim their religion to be the best religion or the true religion, *only they will be saved and others will be condemned. It teaches these people to be arrogant. They have this superiority over others just because of their religion*.
> 
> I am really uncomfortable around this kind of people.* So tell you honestly, when I go to my husband's religion, I am surrounded by a lot of people I don't like.* But I will find good people there. *I feel the good people are usually quiet, they don't want to be important or attract attention, they just want to better themselves and live a more peaceful life. They are more genuine. *


 what you say here is so like the parable of the Pharisee & the Tax Collector ...one boasting...one humbly on his knees... 



> He spoke also this parable to certain people who were convinced of their own righteousness, and who despised all others. "Two men went up into the temple to pray; one was a Pharisee, and the other was a tax collector. The *Pharisee *stood and prayed to himself like this: 'God, I thank you, that I am not like the rest of men, extortioners, unrighteous, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week. I give tithes of all that I get.'
> 
> But the *tax collector*, standing far away, wouldn't even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!' I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted."












Now even if one is not a Believer or any sort, I can't imagine they would have a problem with that parable.


----------



## greenpearl

SA, 

I checked the thread. The quotes you have there are just wonderful. 

I wonder where you get all those quotes. The quotes you have are always meaningful. They are full of wisdom. 

You sure put into a lot of thoughts when you post. You are a valuable member for TAM!!!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

greenpearl said:


> *I wonder where you get all those quotes.* The quotes you have are always meaningful. They are full of wisdom.










...*of course!* 

Then I use TinyPic  to get the link , it's fast & easy, and gives an option of sizes.


----------



## greenpearl

SimplyAmorous said:


> ...*of course!*
> 
> Then I use TinyPic  to get the link , it's fast & easy, and gives an option of sizes.


You find it easy? I find it a lot of work!!! You are Internet savvy!!! 

I often read the quotes you give. I really enjoy them.


----------



## meson

> Many may feel we were too lenient, not arguing to get our $$ for the car, pressing the issue...that my husband should have threatened to rough him up or something....We just don't deal like that... unless someone came at us with physical force.... WE just don't trust people LIKE THAT to fight fair and I didn't want to be looking over my shoulder, flat tires, broken windows, you get the drift.
> 
> We have absolutely no ill will towards them, haven't thought about them in years.. I might look him up on FB for pure curiosity ! !! I count them moving next to us as leading to one of the greatest blessings to our lives... in regards to belief in God...because of these experiences, I think like this >>


I think you both took the right action. Violence and hatred will destroy you before it does anything to them. The fact that you pulled out of this a deeper faith is impressive. I also think you have done your children a benefit because you showed them the value of not being petty.


----------



## sandc

SA you are one of the heroines of LTSiM. As a former story-sharer I really enjoyed reading yours. No one deserves a happily-ever-after more than you.


----------



## sandc

Nah... no such thing as TMI among friends. It wasn't that dirty to us. Just a story about life happening.


----------



## heartsbeating

sandc said:


> Nah... no such thing as TMI among friends. It wasn't that dirty to us. Just a story about life happening.


hey man, s'good to see you post.


----------



## sandc

heartsbeating said:


> hey man, s'good to see you post.


Thank you. The time away did me good.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I am throwing my story thread a bone here...







.... 

Not long ago, I did a thread on "The Role of Financial Support" ... I ended up deleting this thread in a huff after a few days... seeing how the Author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  was being ridiculed...then a poster suggested a woman shouldn't feel entitled due to her chromosomes lining up at birth...my feathers got ruffled...and I went for the delete button pretty quickly... (but did save it before hand)....as I felt it was a worthy discussion... 

Afterwards...a very nice Poster sent me a PM....*RoseAglow* ...and it's funny, she actually took the time & trouble to EMAIL Dr William Harley himself asking some questions due to my starting this thread...... she wanted to know what happened -it going







... 

We discussed me putting it back on TAM... I decided to put it HERE...as this has been a significant part our 
story...After all I am ....







....(for the most part anyway).....I feel it has served our marriage & family well... it's a case where WE have always been on the same page... 



Working Wives/ SAH Mom's / the Role of "Financial Support" in a marriage...Budgeting








...These threads on TAM always get very heated.. what works for one marriage may not be what works for another's marriage... some women feel trapped & miserable with the idea of staying at home & would throw up at it.. while others may desire to but can't - due to their financial situation... 

So these are the realities of our times....there is a chapter in "His Needs, Her Needs"...entitled " *She needs enough to Live comfortably - Financial Support*"......

Financial Support is 1 of the 10 core emotional needs listed in the book... a breakdown here >> 


I wanted to share a few things this books says on this subject....starts with a story of a couple where the wife was working full time while her recent college Grad Husband couldn't find work, got a little too comfortable staying home -basically allowing her to support them... she started to complain to a male co-worker... resentment grew, feeling her husband was "using her"...and the co-worker friendship grew into an affair...

William Harley, the author, goes on to explain how even though women dominate half of the work force today, he says women still expect their husbands to earn a living....he has not seen that this has changed...they still have a need for Financial support.....

Most desire a CHOICE between following a career and being a homemaker...or a combination of the 2....citing most men do not have this need ..and rarely does a husband feel good when a wife supports him financially. ..

He says ..."I realize what I say will not be popular with many couples" but feels the goal should be that a family can survive, by cutting the budget for basic needs to what the man earns... budget talk in this chapter ... breaks things down into :



> *1.* *NEEDS budget* - this includes the monthly cost of meeting the necessities of your life..items you would be uncomfortable without.
> 
> *2. **WANTS budget*- includes the cost of meeting all your needs & wants -things that bring special pleasure to your life, though being realistic, however. No mansions, or chauffer -driven limos if those lie totally out of your range.
> 
> *3. **Affordable Budget.*. should 1st include the cost of the needs budget...IF there is $$ left over...then you get into your "wants" budget.....until your expenses match your income.


He says.." I recommend that only the husband's income be used in the needs budget...if his income is sufficient to meet all the needs of the family...by definition..he has MET his wife's need for Financial support....without these budgets, his success in meeting this need may not be obvious to her. 

This explains the differences in women *>>* 


> "Some women want to work for the challenges of a career, for other's it's an escape from the children... But regardless of the reason, if her husband's income supports the family's basic needs, she's not working to support herself and family...she may decide that they'll have a higher quality of life by NOT working as much.. She may not have as much money but she has more time with her family."


This ending is how I personally feel....

Discussion ??


----------



## RoseAglow

Thanks, SA!

Yes, I was really interested in the responses in the now-deleted thread. I noticed that the conversation veered off a bit to discuss what I would consider "Financial Security" vs "Financial Support." 

For me, I do not need my husband to financially support me, in the way that I understood 'financial support' to mean. In fact, it is very important to me that my salary can support myself and my son, if needed- I can totally relate to men who have a need to support their family. It is just part of my make-up that I would not feel good about myself if I had to rely on anyone for the financial survival of me and my son. 

I do, however, need my husband to financially contribute. I am not a person who could have a SAHD. I have a high value on work and I would not respect someone who didn't have it as well. My DH takes great pride in his work and he is excellent at it, and I can't tell you how much I dig that about him!

In my mind, what I have is a need for Financial Security. It looked like many of the posters in the deleted thread also had this need for Financial Security.

So I sent an email to Dr Harley asking him about it. They have a radio show were they read emails and talk to their listeners (it's available online if you're interested.) I asked him whether he saw a change happening and gave him my example.

He said that actually what I was describing was an Emotional Need of Financial Support, differently expressed. He gave the example of the EN of Affection- some people prefer to hold hands to get their need for Affection met; others prefer backrubs, or kisses in public. 

He said he had a rule of thumb on how to tell if something is an emotional need- if your spouse was not fulfilling it on the day you got married, would you have married your spouse? If you would not have married that person, you hit on an Emotional Need.

I can say without hesitation that I would not have married my husband if he hadn't shown a willingness and ability to work. 

Per Dr. Harley, most men would support their wives if the wives wanted to work, but it wasn't a need like it is for many women. A reliable wife working doesn't directly contribute to feelings of love for most men, like a reliable husband working directly contributes to feelings of love for most women.

He was also said that he doesn't tell people whether or not they have a specific need. It's up to the individual to determine their own needs. He sees trends but everyone is individual.

I thought his response was really interesting and made a lot of sense. I think he is a very smart fella. 

I asked SA to revive the thread so I could add this in. 

One thing I am curious about- are more men now having a need for Financial Support, expressed as Financial Security? I see more men expecting their wives to contribute. That might be my next question to Dr Harley.


----------



## sandc

It would shake me to my very core, violate who I am as a man, if my wife had to support me. I'm just not wired that way. I don't understand the men who are wired that way.


----------



## Ikaika

SA there is value in this financial support post. In general we have become a society where we "want everything and we want it now". It was not always that way but seems we are growing up every generation in the msec and abundance era. We really could all do with a little less and that would support more of your financial post.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

RoseAglow said:


> *I do, however, need my husband to financially contribute. I am not a person who could have a SAHD. I have a high value on work and I would not respect someone who didn't have it as well. My DH takes great pride in his work and he is excellent at it, and I can't tell you how much I dig that about him!*


What you speak here is how many women feel -just reading these pages *>>*, but not all, PAgirl and a few others did not care....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ld-you-marry-man-you-had-support.html....it's...

My thoughts are  here - post 75...I said " My husband has always been a staunch believer in taking care of his Family, that Protecting & Providing spirit is ingrained in his being...and this has always given ME a deep deep respect for him as Man, as a Father....I feel secure , cared for, in his arms, admiring all that he is, and brings to our lives..."








...it stirs our attraction to our men....and they NEED it from us as well ....like this book title.. 









... Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs: 












RoseAglow said:


> *So I sent an email to Dr Harley asking him about it. *They have a radio show were they read emails and talk to their listeners (it's available online if you're interested.) I asked him whether he saw a change happening and gave him my example.
> 
> *He said that actually what I was describing was an Emotional Need of Financial Support, differently expressed.* He gave the example of the EN of Affection- some people prefer to hold hands to get their need for Affection met; others prefer backrubs, or kisses in public.
> 
> *He said he had a rule of thumb on how to tell if something is an emotional need- if your spouse was not fulfilling it on the day you got married, would you have married your spouse? If you would not have married that person, you hit on an Emotional Need.*


 A good question for all of us..and our children as they contemplate marriage someday.... I like that :thumbup: :thumbup: 



> *I can say without hesitation that I would not have married my husband if he hadn't shown a willingness and ability to work.
> 
> Per Dr. Harley, most men would support their wives if the wives wanted to work, but it wasn't a need like it is for many women. A reliable wife working doesn't directly contribute to feelings of love for most men, like a reliable husband working directly contributes to feelings of love for most women*.


 I can say this is TRUE for my own husband, he even would choose me NOT to work...he has complained in the past I am not home enough...he'd hit the driveway , and I was off with a kiss....he hated it..always said we didn't need the extra $$.... but it did help us pay everything off quicker...



> *He was also said that he doesn't tell people whether or not they have a specific need. It's up to the individual to determine their own needs. He sees trends but everyone is individual.
> *
> I thought his response was really interesting and made a lot of sense. I think he is a very smart fella.


 It is good he doesn't "BOX" any sex here... but leaves it to the individual to what they deeply desire ... as an emotional need.... understanding we are not all geared the same. I think he is a very bright man myself ... after picking up "His Needs/ Her Needs" at a flea market, leaving it in my car when I have a moment, I have come to the conclusion that is the best marriage book I have ever held in my hands...and many marriages have been helped through Marriage Builders  .. 



> *I asked SA to revive the thread so I could add this in. *


 I








so much RoseAglow for this contribution.... it was very insightful. I am impressed this Busy author with his own Radio show/ website even got back to you --and so quickly !


----------



## meson

Yesterday I asked Mrs. meson what she would think if I became a SAHD. After a long quizzical look she said she didn't have a problem with it. But then she said she wonders why I get to be a SAHD when she would like to be a SAHM and can't be one fully because of finances. 

For her it is a matter of feeding her soul and a desire to be involved with the kids. The finances are a need that needs to be met and it doesn't matter to each of us who meets that need as long as its met. 

In fact early in our marriage we were both in grad school and on limited incomes. I took a small part time job to help make ends meet. After she finished up she found a job and supported us until I was done with School. She didn't think less of me because of it. Nor did I feel emasculated by her working. I was doing what I could and we were achieving our goals which to us mattered more than the traditional gender role divisions. She doesn't have an emotional need for me to support her specifically. It is other things that feed her soul and I am glad I'm not married to someone with that kind of need.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> Yesterday I asked Mrs. meson what she would think if I became a SAHD. After a long quizzical look she said she didn't have a problem with it. But then she said she wonders why I get to be a SAHD when she would like to be a SAHM and can't be one fully because of finances.
> 
> *For her it is a matter of feeding her soul and a desire to be involved with the kids. The finances are a need that needs to be met and it doesn't matter to each of us who meets that need as long as its met. *


 Thank you Meson for always sticking your head in here ... I never got back to this.... the "feeding" of her soul"- wasn't sure what you meant exactly.. she feels this way about working/ getting out of the house ... I assume you mean. I think many women feel this way. 

My soul has always felt fed just being at home..I've never gotten bored..... I did a post yesterday saying I probably fit the whole Stepford wife thing in some ways (not the no soul or spineless analogy -goodness NO....but what these women do in the home, happy to meet the husband at the door, cater to him...I'm kinda sickening like that !)....or he comes looking for me with a kiss... that's our life..

In our early yrs...1st house we rented.... we didn't have a dryer..(lots of ironing after getting clothes off the line)... it was such beautiful scenery on top of this little hill...I used to enjoy taking the iron board outside...strung a long cord.....and just enjoy the birds singing as I ironed his clothes... Crazy huh! Put some music on sometimes ... It was so relaxing....we always lived in the country so no one seen me doing this! ...Ha ha ...that would look pretty strange ! I just found this picture.. yep, this was *ME*! ...Just imagine a few kids nearby in the sandbox or splash pool trying to throw water on me ...












> *In fact early in our marriage we were both in grad school and on limited incomes. I took a small part time job to help make ends meet. After she finished up she found a job and supported us until I was done with School. She didn't think less of me because of it. Nor did I feel emasculated by her working. I was doing what I could and we were achieving our goals which to us mattered more than the traditional gender role divisions.* She doesn't have an emotional need for me to support her specifically. It is other things that feed her soul and I am glad I'm not married to someone with that kind of need.


 I love to hear of couples who start out struggling and working together just as you describe here.... it seems so many don't want to even consider a long term anything till they have all their ducks lined in a row... your wife could so easily see you were a motivated man though....you weren't living with her - for example - playing video games all day.. is all I am trying to say here... that wouldn't have went over the same. 

I mentioned this already, but I made more $$ than my husband when we married.. .. he may not have had degrees but he was A WORKER.....if I had to carry him while he went to school.. I would have felt the same way...OH YES... cause all of that was for OUR FUTURE, our children's future... he just was never one who did all that great with studies... he was more the "working with your hands" type.... so blue collar was our route I guess.. he did some computer college but didn't get anything from it...

I am not sure I would have managed OK in college -had I went.... I was so pathetic in MATH... I mean embarrassing pathetic....not even sure a Tutor could have straightened me out!


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> Thank you Meson for always sticking your head in here ... I never got back to this.... the "feeding" of her soul"- wasn't sure what you meant exactly.. she feels this way about working/ getting out of the house ... I assume you mean. I think many women feel this way.
> 
> My soul has always felt fed just being at home..I've never gotten bored..... I did a post yesterday saying I probably fit the whole Stepford wife thing in some ways (not the no soul or spineless analogy -goodness NO....but what these women do in the home, happy to meet the husband at the door, cater to him...I'm kinda sickening like that !)....or he comes looking for me with a kiss... that's our life..


Actually being a SAHM is what feeds her soul. She works half time and wish she could be a SAHM full time. Originally she thought she could work full time but she soon discovered that was not for her with young kids. She wanted to be a Mom. But we had assumed she would work and arranged our finances accordingly. So she still contributes with her job. it's been a desire for her but I had never mentioned it so that's why she thought, well why not me. She likes her work and it's fulfilling in some ways but not as much as being there for her kids.

Recently I had to drop everything and attend to my parents who were both in the hospital at the same time. As a result I flew back home to care for them which meant my paycheck became nothing for awhile and i was gone for a major holiday and birthdays. She immediately found ways to save and get rebates etc. For her she's part of a marriage team and we each pitch in when needed. She didnt think less of me for supporting the family for awhile in fact she told me that if I did that for my parents it spoke volumes about what I would do for her.

We didn't struggle as much as it sounds early on though it was more of adjusting to a reduced income after planing for twice as much. Hardship is what my grandparents went through in the dust bowl in Whicita Falls during the depression. We have never come close to that even when we were poor students.

You sound like the country feeds your soul in addition to your family. I can see you hanging the laundry. I remember freshly air dried laundry. It's soo much better than a dryer. I'm sure you remember those days fondly. I can practically smell them now.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> *Actually being a SAHM is what feeds her soul. She works half time and wish she could be a SAHM full time. Originally she thought she could work full time but she soon discovered that was not for her with young kids. * *She wanted to be a Mom. *


 Yes, she did want to be a Mom....







..very badly as I remember...Her struggle to conceive even.. if there is any blessing to going through that, it's always to remind us how precious our children really are, as they might not be here, with us... Things that come easy sometimes we take for granted, it's the human condition I guess.. I get  at my kids & yell ...all the noise, fighting, but at the same time, I'm reminded....my house could be empty...an appreciation comes over me...I can  through the madness. 



> Recently I had to drop everything and attend to my parents who were both in the hospital at the same time. As a result I flew back home to care for them which meant my paycheck became nothing for awhile and i was gone for a major holiday and birthdays. She immediately found ways to save and get rebates etc. For her she's part of a marriage team and we each pitch in when needed. *She didn't think less of me for supporting the family for awhile in fact she told me that if I did that for my parents it spoke volumes about what I would do for her.*


 You are a good son...











> *You sound like the country feeds your soul in addition to your family. *I can see you hanging the laundry. I remember freshly air dried laundry. It's soo much better than a dryer. I'm sure you remember those days fondly. I can practically smell them now.


No truer words spoken there.. Never liked the city here...our 2nd house would be considered in a suburban neighborhood.... a little over an acre, room to breathe, houses nicely spaced.... but a road outside on the right & in front of our house... I wanted to move....we worked so hard on that place just so we could sell it..... 

I've had dreams where our house was in the middle of town , like in the spot of the town Burger King or something (dreams are so strange), so relieved to wake up...nightmare over... I grew up in the country ... I guess it's in my soul.. 

Always read "*The Little House*" to our kids ....







.... ..new roads built, industry came in, smog... tall buildings built itself around the little house...she got boarded up & forgotten...







... then I think the Granddaughter found her....and hauled her back out into the country... and she was happy again....Yeah.. I would feel like that little house...

Give me green grass, tall trees, open fields....and serenity... If Heaven has streets of Gold and Mansions, I am afraid I'd be disappointed.. just drop me off in the nearest corn field please.. 

I feel like these sayings....


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I've learned so much coming to TAM and writing my







out, throwing myself into threads, learning the views of others while daring share my own -even when I am the sole poster going against the wind. 

I've learned new things about myself along the way.... Many things I will take with me when I leave here...*if I ever leave*.. Sometimes I REALLY want to leave! ....Posting here has become such an addiction.. just like breaking into the chocolate chip bags in my cupboard as I write this!









Sharing a life story online is a Bold thing to do...It is vulnerable, we open ourselves up .... It was something I wanted to write out anyway... to honor the man who has brought me so much happiness... loved me in spite of every imperfection along the way...there is a gratitude there that runneth over for me..... 

I so often wonder, had I not met HIM....where might I be today...I could so easily be 1 of the hurting wives here ... pouring out my







in frustration/ loneliness ...the truth is....I often feel HE has spared me ...I am not sure this is right or wrong thinking... but this brings me to the whole SOUL MATE thing... I can see both sides... 

Although I have argued against it myself (the idea there is 1 special person out there waiting for us) *>>* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relati...out-being-soulmates-opinions-appreciated.html ...Yet... when I read the meaning of the term by those who use it ... I can not deny... this captures everything I feel...so I can't throw it all out.....










A poster left this on a thread......


LadyDee said:


> A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior.
> 
> Your soul mate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.












The good news is...if you loose a Soul mate, there is no restriction you can't meet up with another in this life... so much is what we put in...and what another is willing to share deeply with us..and of course chemistry, compatibility...we are not all so bizarre that we couldn't find another *suitable match.* 

I am curious to understand.. .those who are against the term... .. and I know you are one Meson...(maybe you will be the only one to read this question even!).... what is IT you object to...
If you mean ideals LIKE THIS...I'd have to agree....







...as this can lead to this *>>*







..which would be a very  story.... 

Or (as my argument)....if one gets distraught in their marriage, they may feel they *MISSED their Soul Mate*, this idea overtaking their minds... feeling some special person is on the other end of the rainbow WAITING for them...these are my only objections to the term personally - as I can see how this belief could destroy a marriage ... instead of working with the one you are with, rebuilding from the ground up... restoring a foundation, if you will.


----------



## CharlieParker

Don't even think about it (leaving).

I don't really think about the soul mate thing, could I have been happy (happier) otherwise, sure, but I don't really like the odds.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

CharlieParker said:


> *Don't even think about it (leaving).*


 The truth is....something in me wants to leave, but I know I'll just find another writing outlet somewhere else if I do...That's what I enjoy......it doesn't have to be a severing.... I'm questioning where I belong... I feel a







against the stream in many ways here...I had my swim...it's time to jump upstream...or get eaten by the Bear....

I had a well meaning poster pm me over a week ago now...never heard from him before...... he tried to encourage me to start writing E-books & quick wasting my time here..make some







-he knew the ins & outs...gave starter ideas.... I replied back with excuses... too lazy, kids at home, with all the free Marriage advice, who would buy that...& every relationship subject under the sun can be bought in book form ...

He replies back kinda ticked...telling me I put up 5 roadblocks, he calls bull **** on all of them...tells me it is fear & laziness talking...screw that.. Cut the







... demands I park my fanny in front of the computer & bang it out today...he says " I am kicking you in the ass for your own good."...then mentions







...the whole "I think I can, I think I can"....."Crawl, walk, run, sprint, jet, rocket, stratosphere "...

Honesty that was freaking hilarious !!!...







...yet still I sit... At a cross roads.. I tried the Blog thing with the Therapist... got bored, not enough interaction... I really enjoy talking to people....In real life too. 

Then I have to ask myself...what am I after.. to prove something to others, so I don't die just a SAHM...this forum has helped bring my insecurities out that I should "BE MORE", have a skill to show... anyone can be a Mom & scrub floors....

Just speaking out loud here (as always!)...is this why I feel pressured to do something more? ....I just don't know!... I believe to succeed, it has to be MORE than that... a heart leading, a message burning...hasn't hit me yet...but not insecurity led to "prove" something. 



CharlieParker said:


> *I don't really think about the soul mate thing, could I have been happy (happier) otherwise, sure, but I don't really like the odds*.


 I'm sure you are not alone there...


----------



## jld

Why don't you do as that poster suggested, SA? You love to write, and you have done so much research. I think it sounds great.

I understand your feeling of not wanting to feel like "just" a SAHM. I am sorry it is like that in our society. We are kind of brought up that way, though.

I think you are very helpful here, and hope you do not leave. I know the feeling, though.


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am curious to understand.. .those who are against the term... .. and I know you are one Meson...(maybe you will be the only one to read this question even!).... what is IT you object to...
> If you mean ideals LIKE THIS...I'd have to agree....


You remember correctly, I don't like the term mostly because it trivializes your potential spouse to be like a Disney princess story. It builds people up to wait for the perfect person to come along. Furthermore if there is any imperfection or incompatibility then you aren't with your soulmate. 

I do believe that there are people who are able to find each other that match in so many ways that they can call each other soulmates. These matches exist. But I don't believe that there absolutely exists a perfect match for everyone that you could call a soulmate. 

The reality is that there is a distribution of people with different traits that may be similar enough for you to find someone to be happy with for the rest of your life. I think the odds of finding a perfect match is slim. Suppose you believe in soulmates and you marry someone who you thought was yours and they later you discover the things that don't match. This might cause you to think you married the wrong person. This might result in you concluding you married the wrong person and leaving to find the perfect soulmate. That would be a shame to give up on a marriage bases on a notion of an ideal marriage mate.

My marriage has been good and bad but mostly good. I'm afraid that if I had had a notion of a soulmate I would have given up on my wife and sought another which would have resulted in an affair, a divorce or deciding to live a bitter life with a non-soulmate. I think a better view is to look for someone who matches you enough to make a good life with and working to make it better and as good as possible. My EA really made me understand this.

The fact that I loved two people at the same time resulted in me questioning my marriage. At that time I thought you couldn't love more than one at a time but I learned I was wrong. The soulmate concept is similar. Love is not enough to be a soulmate but it's enough for you to question being with someone. It's relatively easy to delvelop a relationship with someone that turns into love so the risk of this spoiling a "soulmate" relationship is not remote.

In reality there are many people that we would build a satisfying life with because there are so many people that are similar to us enough. I have run across two people that I could have made a very good life with and one of them I married. The fact that I decided to solve problems in my marriage and build something is why I am still married. I am certain that if I thought there was a perfect match for me I would have given up and moved on. I have been rewarded for my work and deeply satisfied. 

I have no doubt that there are marriage without issues and they are more perfect for each other than anyone else. But its likely that if you believe this and wait or settle you will be disappointed and end up bitter.


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> The truth is....something in me wants to leave, but I know I'll just find another writing outlet somewhere else if I do...That's what I enjoy......it doesn't have to be a severing.... I'm questioning where I belong... I feel a
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> against the stream in many ways here...I had my swim...it's time to jump upstream...or get eaten by the Bear....


I think this is a normal thing with many of us. I feel that way and often disappear for a time. I know Jellybeans, Hope1964 and Entropy3000 have all taken breaks. 

The bottom line for me is the ability to help people who find themselves in a situation similar to mine. I'm paying back for the help I have received. But I also have found that I still learn about my marriage. The recent thread by CM had an exchange about dinner decisions that really showed me something about my wife, I am still finding value and still have some fun thinking about stuff here so I stay. So the question is are you still learning and having fun? If not then its time to leave. For me I have become very choosey about which threads I post in and to whom I reply. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> Then I have to ask myself...what am I after.. to prove something to others, so I don't die just a SAHM...this forum has helped bring my insecurities out that I should "BE MORE", have a skill to show... anyone can be a Mom & scrub floors....
> 
> Just speaking out loud here (as always!)...is this why I feel pressured to do something more? ....I just don't know!... I believe to succeed, it has to be MORE than that... a heart leading, a message burning...hasn't hit me yet...but not insecurity led to "prove" something.
> 
> I'm sure you are not alone there...


A SAHM is critical to many children and households. Don't devalue yourself. I have watch my wife breath life and achievement into my children. This is not something just anyone can do. Take pride I who you are and what you do. The looks on your children's faces in the photos and of your husband shoes what an awesome SAHM you are. 

If you remember my thread about my marriage I languished because I didn't achieve what I wanted in terms of living where I wanted and doing what I wanted. The problem was that I was ignoring my real achievements, my family. I learned to make the good stuff better and find replacements for my perceived failures. 

Reading all the negative stuff here can get one to feel bad and likewise there are many who seem to be in better or more successful lives. This may make you yearn for more. Don't buy into it. If you have a vacuum in your life fill it but don't let other peoples lives make you think you have a vacuum.


----------



## jld

meson said:


> A SAHM is critical to many children and households. Don't devalue yourself. I have watch my wife breath life and achievement into my children. This is not something just anyone can do. Take pride I who you are and what you do. The looks on your children's faces in the photos and of your husband shoes what an awesome SAHM you are.
> 
> If you remember my thread about my marriage I languished because I didn't achieve what I wanted in terms of living where I wanted and doing what I wanted. The problem was that I was ignoring my real achievements, my family. I learned to make the good stuff better and find replacements for my perceived failures.
> 
> Reading all the negative stuff here can get one to feel bad and likewise there are many who seem to be in better or more successful lives. This may make you yearn for more. Don't buy into it. If you have a vacuum in your life fill it but don't let other peoples lives make you think you have a vacuum.


:iagree:
You mentioned on another thread, SA, that you might like to be a relationship coach? That sounds very good. You already have lots of knowledge, from all the reading you do, and your own liffe experience.

It sounds like you are very happy in your life and things are going well. You have your interests, and your children are doing well. You've been a successful SAHM, like meson mentioned.

I think that last paragraph above is really important. Someone is always doing more than we are, or better, or earlier, or whatever. It is hard to just have peace that what we have done is right for us. But it is pretty clear from your posts that you do have this peace, and that this just may be a moment of questioning.

I have a brother who is very wealthy, and really, no one else in the family comes close in terms of money. But he is not secure, and his wife is not a very nice person, and his kids have not lived the economic reality that middle class kids do. There are drawbacks, you know?

For years, I was frustrated that dh was not earning more. Compared to my siblings, we just seemed so financially lacking. And these last years really have been good, and I feel much better. But I wish that I had just had that peace then, too. It is normal to strive, but really, life is the gift. And you have a very good one.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> *Why don't you do as that poster suggested, SA? You love to write, and you have done so much research. I think it sounds great.*


 Putting the effort into writing a book, then having it BOMB...I'd feel like a failure







....Yes I am Pessimistic (it's the melancholy in me).. the type who doesn't do things unless I KNOW I will succeed....don't want to set myself up for that.... What advertising would there be... but HERE...this has been my speaking outlet...on Relationship everything.... 

Truth is...when I've done what I consider a helpful thread ...some important message for our marriages .... let's say.. about Self Awareness  ... Resentment .......Transparency .......  Vulnerability ... our Temperaments  .... they don't get the hits, or hold the interest. Ya know...that's the reality. I realize this doesn't mean they haven't been helpful though. 

Who gets the runaway threads... stupid things like "OMG my date used a Coupon!" ... Go figure... I mean I "get off" on arguing a side / point of view as much as anyone... maybe even more so ....and I post on those silly threads too...but I try to put forth what is REALLY important at the end of the day...



jld said:


> *You mentioned on another thread, SA, that you might like to be a relationship coach? That sounds very good. You already have lots of knowledge, from all the reading you do, and your own life experience*.


 I have a lot of head knowledge, always loved psychology, Dr Phil.... reading how our minds work, why we are different, how to use effective communication, deal with our anger, wayward emotions, resentments...such things have helped me understand myself and get along with others very well....

As far as Life Experience in my own marriage...our issues have been very small compared to the norm...I consider my husband one in a million... he has treated me with such love & care...I could not ask more from any human being.. in this way, I can't relate to many marriages... 

I would have to say I learned more from my friends/ their stories/ marital /dating struggles and reading *here* - to open my eyes to the more difficult realities of some. 

But yes...If I was to make $$ at something I genuinely enjoy doing....a "*Relationship Coach*" this would FIT me... and really what some Coach's charge online....







.... I'd be the cheapest on the net to be found... I'd feel guilty charging THAT much! 

I've googled services so many times...Don't want to throw my $$ to the wind, I want a reputable site -with some sort of reputation, that can help you get started, not just send you a certificate in the mail... "*Affair Care*" (poster here at TAM), she is a Coach...and her husband ... but haven't seen her around here for a long time...she told me yrs ago I seemed a natural.  ...planted a seed in my head...









The other day I found one that would disqualify me for not having any prior counseling experience....but that was for a Relationship "Specialist"... then another you had to read a certain book "the Surrendered Wife"... and become her BRAND of Relationship Coach.. a







Marriage Counseling vs. Relationship Coaching | LauraDoyle.org

...that seemed too "Boxed"... I don't know. It was all sessions over the phone...Odd... 



> *I understand your feeling of not wanting to feel like "just" a SAHM. I am sorry it is like that in our society. We are kind of brought up that way, though*.


 I've read books on insecurities.. we can have them over anything, even if we grew up without a mother in our lives (probably another of mine)... this is my cross - I have nothing to show for my life other than ...I am happily married ...and we've managed, so far, to raise up what appears to be some well adjusted good character young men...so far. 

I am not embarrassed or ashamed I DEPEND on my husband , but women today find it foolish....and a growing # of men wouldn't touch a woman like that....and I must live with this reality. Even if we have adequate life Insurance, no debt...if he dies on me, someone will come along & inform me....not all insurances will cover everything..... so again.. I've set myself up to live on the edge....I feel their are plenty of RISKS people willingly take every day & those consequences are rarely spoke of.... but when it's a woman who depends on a man.. just doesn't seem to be any excuse to be this foolish ....I don't know... 

Do we need the extra $$...Not really... our family has always done fine... I worry about the kids getting decent jobs someday -but that is normal in this competitive society where good jobs are hard to come by....

Would I like to say.. "Hey, I actually DO something useful..I help people!"... besides in my spare time...hanging out here...basically just a


----------



## jld

SimplyAmorous said:


> Putting the effort into writing a book, then having it BOMB...I'd feel like a failure
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ....Yes I am Pessimistic (it's the melancholy in me).. the type who doesn't do things unless I KNOW I will succeed....don't want to set myself up for that.... What advertising would there be... but HERE...this has been my speaking outlet...on Relationship everything....
> 
> *You would probably get some referrals right from people on this website. You are known and trusted. *
> 
> Truth is...when I've done what I consider a helpful thread ...some important message for our marriages .... let's say.. about Self Awareness  ... Resentment .......Transparency .......  Vulnerability ... our Temperaments  .... they don't get the hits, or hold the interest. Ya know...that's the reality. I realize this doesn't mean they haven't been helpful though.
> *I, too, am surprised by what is popular. But that is for entertainment, you know? People contacting you, and paying you, would want real help, because they are paying real money.*
> Who gets the runaway threads... stupid things like "OMG my date used a Coupon!" ... Go figure... I mean I "get off" on arguing a side / point of view as much as anyone... maybe even more so ....and I post on those silly threads too...but I try to put forth what is REALLY important at the end of the day...
> *You know what is important. That will be key in dealing with clients.*
> I have a lot of head knowledge, always loved psychology, Dr Phil.... reading how our minds work, why we are different, how to use effective communication, deal with our anger, wayward emotions, resentments...such things have helped me understand myself and get along with others very well....
> *This is helpful in life, period.*
> As far as Life Experience in my own marriage...our issues have been very small compared to the norm...I consider my husband one in a million... he has treated me with such love & care...I could not ask more from any human being.. in this way, I can't relate to many marriages...
> *I hear ya, sister!*
> I would have to say I learned more from my friends/ their stories/ marital /dating struggles and reading *here* - to open my eyes to the more difficult realities of some.
> *We learn a lot when we listen and try to understand. You are really good at both, SA.*
> But yes...If I was to make $$ at something I genuinely enjoy doing....a "*Relationship Coach*" this would FIT me... and really what some Coach's charge online....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .... I'd be the cheapest on the net to be found... I'd feel guilty charging THAT much!
> *It's whatever the market will bear.*
> I've googled services so many times...Don't want to throw my $$ to the wind, I want a reputable site -with some sort of reputation, that can help you get started, not just send you a certificate in the mail... "*Affair Care*" (poster here at TAM), she is a Coach...and her husband ... but haven't seen her around here for a long time...she told me yrs ago I seemed a natural.  ...planted a seed in my head...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *I think she is right.*
> The other day I found one that would disqualify me for not having any prior counseling experience....but that was for a Relationship "Specialist"... then another you had to read a certain book "the Surrendered Wife"... and become her BRAND of Relationship Coach.. a
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Marriage Counseling vs. Relationship Coaching | LauraDoyle.org
> 
> ...that seemed too "Boxed"... I don't know. It was all sessions over the phone...Odd...
> *Yeah, too specialized. That might work for some people, but you don't need to limit yourself like that. I think your knowledge is broader.*
> I've read books on insecurities.. we can have them over anything, even if we grew up without a mother in our lives (probably another of mine)... this is my cross - I have nothing to show for my life other than ...I am happily married ...and we've managed, so far, to raise up what appears to be some well adjusted good character young men...so far.
> *This is where a lot of us SAHMs devalue ourselves. I know, it is easy for me to tell another mom this, but I say the same thing to myself that you do. But it is not true. Not all kids turn out healthy, especially mentally, and yours are. That really is an accomplishment.*
> I am not embarrassed or ashamed I DEPEND on my husband , but women today find it foolish....and a growing # of men wouldn't touch a woman like that....and I must live with this reality. Even if we have adequate life Insurance, no debt...if he dies on me, someone will come along & inform me....not all insurances will cover everything..... so again.. I've set myself up to live on the edge....I feel their are plenty of RISKS people willingly take every day & those consequences are rarely spoke of.... but when it's a woman who depends on a man.. just doesn't seem to be any excuse to be this foolish ....I don't know...
> *I don't think we should take what is said on this forum to represent everyone out there. My mom told me I would be working all my life, and so I should study something I really enjoyed. Five months after graduation, dh told me something very different. You just never know.*
> Do we need the extra $$...Not really... our family has always done fine... I worry about the kids getting decent jobs someday -but that is normal in this competitive society where good jobs are hard to come by....
> *I hear you there, too. I know this is open to criticism, but it is one reason I push STEM stuff so much to my kids. Otoh, we really do need people to study a variety of fields to have a well-rounded society.*
> 
> Would I like to say.. "Hey, I actually DO something useful..I help people!"... besides in my spare time...hanging out here...basically just a


You've helped me tremendously, SA. I think one particular piece of advice you gave me helped me more than anything else I had heard in the last 20 years. I really cannot thank you enough.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> I think that last paragraph above is really important. Someone is always doing more than we are, or better, or earlier, or whatever. It is hard to just have peace that what we have done is right for us. But it is pretty clear from your posts that you do have this peace, and that this just may be a moment of questioning.
> 
> I have a brother who is very wealthy, and really, no one else in the family comes close in terms of money. But he is not secure, and his wife is not a very nice person, and his kids have not lived the economic reality that middle class kids do. There are drawbacks, you know?
> 
> *For years, I was frustrated that dh was not earning more. Compared to my siblings, we just seemed so financially lacking. And these last years really have been good, and I feel much better. But I wish that I had just had that peace then, too. It is normal to strive, but really, life is the gift. And you have a very good one*.


 .... I can't say I have ever been envious of those who have a richer lifestyle.... I've known some up close & personal , been in their homes...got to know their families....they have problems like everyone else.... sometimes even more opportunities for temptation (because of their lifestyle & how people cater to the Rich & successful )... Worked for Doctor once, his wife was whipping out love letters she found to one of his affair partners ` She was livid & I was her listening ear! 

But on the same token....having ENOUGH *$$ *to live our chosen lifestyle ...tremendously important ...for that *peace*...we've always had this... even if our expectations are much lower, for instance, we drive older cars (never had a car payment)... we don't carry cell phones...except I have an old tracfone - for emergencies, or we break down somewhere....This works for us.. I don't really feel we are missing anything, we still take family trips to Disney...we may not fly or stay on Property but again, I don't feel those things matter all that much. 

The things I have personally envied..(maybe a little odd)....such as sisters & brothers ..or that close bonding relationship with one's Mother (since I missed these growing up).....Thankfully I always had *Romance *so I wasn't feeling "Oh pitiful me, no one wants me, must be something wrong with me"....and I was envious of MOM's who had children round about them when I couldn't conceive...it's not that I didn't want for them...*I just WANTED for myself*.. the







's desire.. that was the deepest I ever struggled with....

I listed these back on page 10...



> My dreams was never to have the Easy lifestyle / *$$*....but I wanted 3 things very very strongly...
> 
> *1.* A Great Guy / Romance / Lasting Commitment / Marriage....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *2.* A family of my own ...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *3.* A house in the country... a little land/ privacy...to raise this family & live out our years together...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ..didn't care how run down.. just wanted something we could afford/ call our own... and fix up along the way.... I didn't mind hard work, so long as my man was beside me helping.





> *jld said*:* You've helped me tremendously, SA. I think one particular piece of advice you gave me helped me more than anything else I had heard in the last 20 years. I really cannot thank you enough*.


 That's crazy jld... but so good to hear my words could have this effect ...ya know....some soothing word or idea that could pull you over ....to where you need to feel stronger in your life... we all impact each other.. even in cyber space...for some, it seems this is all they have..seen many say this on here..they feel so alone. (I , too, am for the underdog many times). 

...This makes me feel being *here *is not all in vain or wasting my time....(and I do enjoy it - darn it ).... It's like Meson said, many of us fall into this way of thinking now & again...even himself , mentioning a few posters here...

Truth is....I am pms-ing right now.... always a little more "down" or sensitive during this time..started my Whining thread on one of those episodes.... it's like I get my own little Rain cloud going on....







...ha ha....then it passes and I think "Geez, what was wrong with me, I feel GREAT today!'... Guess I need to do this *>>*
















my friend!


----------



## jld

Love that rain cloud! I think i have one of my own!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> *Love that rain cloud! I think i have one of my own!*


I don't think it matters who we are, we all have our







moments...

I've thought of doing threads on PMS.. honesty I don't think I ever felt that until my 40's... I was pretty even keeled, then when the sex drive rose to the sky...hormones out of whack... so did this part of me come to life.. I started to notice a pattern -since I was keeping a sex calendar & writing a variety of things down







... it seems I'd cause a ruckus to my husband for not being more aggressive... didn't bother me all month long ..then wham....I literally could feel this rain cloud coming down...more irritable... cranky.....more teary eyed.... I KNEW what it was.. and boy if My kids got on my nerves... Look out..







...

It really doesn't bother me when Men make comments about this.. it's not a delusion either, as I've read about the hormones lining up & what is happening in our brains...they've even done brain scans..comparing the stages in a woman's cycle... not that we should use it as an excuse of course to just run our mouths...

But I think men & women both need to allow for some GRACE.. us in understanding HIS bouts with needing lots of sex - due to testosterone (like a curse for some)....and for them to give us a little leeway during this time of month...

The strange thing about me is... I want my husband closer during that time, I *don't *want my space...this soothes "the beast"... 
We watched this movie yesterday ..  Crazy/ Beautiful: DVD ....that made me think of your "Wayward - Compassion thread"... .this girl was a MESS, out of control, delinquent...she didn't feel loved at all.. and ya know you could see where each person was coming from...her (when you learned more of the story)... her Boyfriend.... her Father, the Stepmother (who gave up on her)....but *Compassion* won out & basically saved a LIFE... it was so good!



> I hear you there, too. I know this is open to criticism, but it is one reason I push* STEM* stuff so much to my kids.* Otoh,* we really do need people to study a variety of fields to have a well-rounded society.


 What is 'STEM" and "Otoh" - I am dreadfully awful with abbreviations...even on your Wayward spouse thread, it wasn't until page (I forget) that is dawned on me what 
BS meant = Betrayed spouse...


----------



## sandc

SA, you can never leave. You can try, like I did. And here I am again. Your voice is needed here.

And don't feel compelled to change anything about yourself if you are happy. Contentment is a rare thing these days. If you are content, be happy! You've arrived at a place most NEVER get to.

I am slowly achieving contentment. Almost there. :smthumbup:


----------



## heartsbeating

I enjoy your reading your thoughts, always have ...just a little reminder in case you need it. Thanks for being here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld

STEM stands for science, technology, engineering, and math careers. A lot of high paying jobs in those fields, so they are popular.

Otoh -- on the other hand.

Thanks for the movie recommendation. The compassion thread felt like a train wreck. Too much guessing about motives and not enough seeking to understand. I almost wish I hadn't started that thread, but I did learn a lot that I would not have otherwise, or that would have take a lot longer, so maybe it was worth it.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> You remember correctly, I don't like the term mostly because it trivializes your potential spouse to be like a Disney princess story. *It builds people up to wait for the perfect person to come along. Furthermore if there is any imperfection or incompatibility then you aren't with your soulmate. *


 Meson... I appreciate your taking the time to write this all out...so much of what you have spoken here was the heart of that TV program I caught late one night...it was a christian program... I laid there, took it all in, a







coming on...and it made so much sense!....

Does anyone REALLY expect perfection though ? ...there has to be some balance between "Settling"..and "*expecting perfection*"....both could be cutting ourselves short...

If you've missed this thread of mine.. please take a moment *>>* 








...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...t-but-beauty-can-found-our-imperfections.html....








...I know I personally can identify with these words... about myself.. about HIM..







...I swear the funniest times we've had were making fun of our wayward moments..... we laugh, crack jokes...he makes me roar over mine!!... 

... CharlieParker expressed the same thing on that thread....calls it their "Quirks"...ya know but somehow "*acceptance*"...it's still there.. it's what makes us unique... 

I would think all of us would have some type of internal "deal breaker" list ... imperfections in us all.. but yet some are just not as big of a deal as others...and this depends on the individual person ...we shouldn't get together with someone that there's is so bad...we'd want to take them by the throat..on a daily basis.. ya know....












> *I do believe that there are people who are able to find each other that match in so many ways that they can call each other soul mates. These matches exist. But I don't believe that there absolutely exists a perfect match for everyone that you could call a soul mate.*


 True.



> The reality is that there is a distribution of people with different traits that may be similar enough for you to find someone to be happy with for the rest of your life. * I think the odds of finding a perfect match is slim. * *Suppose you believe in soulmates and you marry someone who you thought was yours and they later you discover the things that don't match. This might cause you to think you married the wrong person. This might result in you concluding you married the wrong person and leaving to find the perfect soulmate. That would be a shame to give up on a marriage bases on a notion of an ideal marriage mate.*


 Yes...the foundation of that man's argument that night...:smthumbup: 



> My marriage has been good and bad but mostly good. *I'm afraid that if I had had a notion of a soulmate I would have given up on my wife and sought another which would have resulted in an affair, a divorce or deciding to live a bitter life with a non-soulmate.*


 Imagine how often this does happen. 



> *I think a better view is to look for someone who matches you enough to make a good life with and working to make it better and as good as possible.*
> 
> In reality there are many people that we would build a satisfying life with because there are so many people that are similar to us enough. *I have run across two people that I could have made a very good life with and one of them I married. **The fact that I decided to solve problems in my marriage and build something is why I am still married. I am certain that if I thought there was a perfect match for me I would have given up and moved on. I have been rewarded for my work and deeply satisfied. *










....So a marital foundation *needs* to be based on Commitment / Faithfulness... 1st and foremost....Of course...for when our love waxs & wanes... those valleys that come.....

I am going to throw a monkey wrench in here to where people can go wrong....some of us Romantics  ...if any type of lover is the most guilty for throwing around the "soul mate" term, it is US...feeling our beloved is an "irreplaceable" somehow.. 

....so if anything shakes that "IN LOVE" feeling in us...we need to be extra diligent to lean on the *commitment foundation*/ *our vows*...during our most trying storms....

But on the other hand....this too, can have a heightened benefit that TIES them to this one "special person"....maybe being able to even overlook the smaller things in our partner with more grace somehow... because we love so deeply. I don't know.. just my thoughts...as I can see this side too. 

.. I can't say I have ever in all of my years ...met another....from guy friends, his friends, men I have worked with...etc..that I felt could compare or fit as well WITH ME ... over what my husband brings.. I am a bit fussy for sure... and of course these mental comparisons have entered my head.. especially if the man was really good looking... but I'd still walk away saying......"Oh he's so cute but I would hate that about him... that would annoy me so bad".. or something... 



> I have no doubt that there are marriage without issues and they are more perfect for each other than anyone else. *But its likely that if you believe this and wait or settle you will be disappointed and end up bitter.*


 I think we all need *a lot of wisdom *...Take it slow in dating... a book like this.. I think could really open up the communication for learning our differences , what issues that might lie ahead....getting a good idea how we mesh...


> Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be: This solutions-oriented guide offers problem solving and behavior changing strategies for people working on their most intimate relationships. The book provides readers with:
> 
> Enhanced knowledge of their own and their partners' beliefs, values, habits, desires, goals, likes, and dislikes; ideas for opening communication and deepening a relationship; skills for making healthy decisions about lifestyles and boundaries; an in-depth understanding of the role of self-esteem in relationships; increased ability to let go of the past and embrace the present; and the knowledge that it is important not only to choose the right partner, but also to be the right partner.


 but yeah... ending up like this...

>>







..what a wasted life it would have been.. at least I feel.


----------



## CharlieParker

SimplyAmorous said:


> I swear the funniest times we've had were making fun of our wayward moments..... we laugh, crack jokes...he makes me roar over mine!!...
> 
> ... CharlieParker expressed the same thing on that thread....calls it their "Quirks"...ya know but somehow "*acceptance*"...it's still there.. it's what makes us unique...


Oh, am I glad that thread is over 6 months old, I was just  wait, I said what??? But, yes, good stuff there. 

I've informally asked but never really gotten answers but I suspect many (the majority???) long term success stories involve much laughter, and likely a pair of goofballs.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

CharlieParker said:


> *Oh, am I glad that thread is over 6 months old, I was just  wait, I said what??? But, yes, good stuff there.
> 
> I've informally asked but never really gotten answers but I suspect many (the majority???) long term success stories involve much laughter, and likely a pair of goofballs.*


 I try to be very careful to not misquote...I noticed your post quickly when I was getting the link...

The laughter...what a HIGH it brings... it's one of the greatest joys of our marriage.....

This morning, husband & son was talking about "Shark Week" - 2nd son telling him this is the phrase used at GF's house in relation to pms....husband starts rapping on the kitchen table loudly ... purposely trying to tick me off (he does this a lot ) -while I was on here typing that last post.... so I'll come over there & grab him......with an angry spoon in my hand no less.... 
He likes me coming after him like that... it's part of our humor.. ..and I'm not mad...then he tells me he needs to get me a cage...I remind them both ...It's SHARK WEEK.... .But I love it... son's laughing...I kiss dad.. 

No Golf clubs... but oh...that'd be fun... a lot of ball talk would be going on with those in the house.....how I was going to whack them.. then having great Joy in Retracting those comments.. for obvious reasons.. 

Yeah....Laughing.. it's medicine, isn't it.. How Blah our lives would be without these feisty exchanges throughout the day... 
We had a great time today, took the Family Ice Skating..


----------



## sandc

Good marriages are made of laughter. And sand. Lots and lots of sand. S and C.

S and C at the beach - YouTube


----------



## SimplyAmorous

sandc said:


> *SA, you can never leave. You can try, like I did. And here I am again. Your voice is needed here.
> 
> And don't feel compelled to change anything about yourself if you are happy. Contentment is a rare thing these days. If you are content, be happy! You've arrived at a place most NEVER get to.
> 
> I am slowly achieving contentment. Almost there*. :smthumbup:


 Yeah, it's hard to stay away ...but I am going to try to cut back...direct my lure in other places....If I try to do "cold turkey"...I'll just be setting myself up for failure, I know this. 








...Contentment... a run away post from your words SandC !  


> *1.* a state of happiness and satisfaction.
> _"he found contentment in living a simple life in the country"_
> *synonyms:* contentedness, content, satisfaction, gratification, fulfillment, happiness, pleasure, cheerfulness; ease, comfort, well-being, peace, equanimity, serenity, tranquility


Me & him was talking about this tonight.... I asked him if he felt I was *content* most of our marriage... he didn't think so (I knew that answer!)... really for most of my life.... I was striving for something -it was within reach...but I always wanted to help it along...focused too much on it... that feeling of.. "When I get THIS... reach that plateau, we will have it all"... 

Started with...wanting to get away from my Step Mom/ out of that house...thankfully he was there for me...much REST HERE, ....then if only we can give our son some brothers/ sisters... our family would be "complete".....If only he could get that better Job... the house with some land...the daughter... paying the house off....

Then suddenly Mid Life was upon us....there was nothing more to reach for...in it's own way, there was a sadness to this ...there is something magical about *anticipation* to be spoken of ...something to work towards...this in itself is a part of us too...

Here I was so busy focused on what I was trying to accomplish I missed smelling some of those







along the way.... so now we're on the top of that mountain peak ..







. the wind blowing in our hair, we can look back and see how we got here.. ....sometimes I still wish we could go back there...and recapture some things... 

I asked Husband if he was CONTENT... he says he always was.. I believe this!.....not sure where he gets that, He says "I'm Happy to be Happy"... Then adds "If I wasn't content, I'd want to screw someone over" going on how people want more & more...to get ahead... he mentions 2 guys at work, how they caused trouble / backbiting for another employee cause she got a STAR write up (this woman is a hell of a worker & an upper boss acknowledged her)....how they felt THEY deserved it more (this is laughable by the way)... they made her feel so bad about this, she was telling my husband she wishes she never received it... this really upset HIM..... he told her NO, she deserved it...& if he had a business - he'd let 5 men go to hire her, don't listen to their sh**... and he meant it... the moral... those other men are not content, they have to drag someone else down...they want "theirs". 

Husband told me he feels I am CONTENT *NOW*.... probably since we had our daughter... but I wasn't always *resting in contentment* ...this may be something we have to learn....and there is that inner struggle..."Oh I need to do something else with my life"... 

We talked some about this yesterday.....he doesn't want me to feel I need to BE or DO more than I AM... .. He tells me how I am needed...oh he'd support me in whatever... but he reminds me how much I am loved ...and wants my happiness. 

I looked for some images for contentment.. loved this one.....




























Then there is this subtle difference between Complacency and Contentment.. 



> Contentment vs. Complacency
> 
> With all of the personal and professional development pressure to accomplish goals and pursue success, there doesn’t seem to be any room for satisfaction. Yet, I believe that the first step to success is contentment. There is a definite difference between contentment and complacency. Individuals who are content have a posture of gratitude, thanksgiving, and acknowledgement.
> 
> *Gratitude*
> 
> It has been my experience that people who are content are grateful for what they have even as they seek to achieve their goals. They have experienced success in the past and have a quiet confidence that will enable them to achieve even more. These individuals have a strong sense of self so they aren’t trying to prove anything to anyone else. On the other hand, individuals who are complacent believe that things are okay as they are and are not likely to get better. Therefore they make no effort to improve their situation. They tend to be ungrateful about the things that they do have. They typically exhibit traits of low self-esteem and seem to have something to prove. This is evident in their attempt to be something that they are not or live above their means.
> 
> *Thanksgiving*
> 
> Another noticeable characteristic of individuals who are content is that they are thankful for the opportunities that they have received. It is with this attitude of thanksgiving that they seek out new prospects and projects. Their attitude seems to attract additional opportunities. People sense their positive energy and want to be in their presence, do business with them, and reward their efforts. Individuals who are complacent seem to have the opposite effect. Instead of being thankful, they tend to complain about their situation while doing nothing to change it. Because they can’t appreciate how much they have already achieved, they are powerless to achieve more. Their negative energy deters progress and drives people away. As a result, they tend to receive less leads and referrals.
> 
> *Acknowledgement*
> 
> Individuals who are content understand that they wouldn’t be where they are today if they didn’t receive help from others. They accept the fact that they need something greater than themselves in order to achieve true success. They realize that they need to partner with others in order to get to their desired destination. While it looks like they are in waiting mode, individuals who are content realize that sometimes situations are outside of their control. They are able to refrain from activity that is counterproductive in order to plan actions that produce results. Conversely, complacent individuals think that they are responsible for their current success. They think that they have achieved everything on their own. They may not believe in anything beside themselves or trust that others are willing to help them succeed. They may not believe that a force or power outside of themselves is working on their behalf. These individuals tend to wait for opportunity to knock rather than seeking it out. Since they don’t seek help or support from others, they get burned out quickly trying to manage situations that are not within their scope. In fact, they may spin their wheels trying to manage something that promises great results but has lack-luster reward.
> 
> While we push towards more and more success, we must take a moment to evaluate which model we have adapted. Are we content? Do we feel grateful, thankful, and supported? It is essential that we evaluate our underlying motivations because they drive results. Being content positions us for future success while being complacent sets us up for failure.


----------



## sandc

One question... How did these people have so many kids?? :scratchhead: 










They must have a barn... :smthumbup:


----------



## SimplyAmorous

sandc said:


> *Good marriages are made of laughter. And sand. Lots and lots of sand. S and C.*
> 
> S and C at the beach - YouTube


 So nice of you to share SandC & Caramel ...I do need to watch this again though -as my laptop is old & has video crashing choppy sound /shockwave issues....causes me to swear now & then...

Sounds you drove your family to this very spot -cause they get sick in the plane....and the Mother in Law fits in there somewhere.. it will be more clear when I hop on the other computer! Neat to see a real streaming clip!


----------



## DDDCanada

There is something very genuine about the way you express yourself and share your thoughts. Your authenticity hits me in just the right place and, at the same time, has allowed me to reflect on my own experiences in a new way. There is no question that all of us have had struggles in our lives, it's how we manage those bleakest moments that defines who we truly are. What I enjoy most about your "story" is that you clearly demonstrate that we all have the ability to overcome adversity and learn about ourselves through self-reflection and love. I believe in the power of love as the "glue" that binds two individuals, something more powerful than anything else in the human experience. Despite my own personal challenges with love, I have not given up on it and believe it will arrive when the time is right. Thank you for sharing your story with us!


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> Does anyone REALLY expect perfection though ? ...there has to be some balance between "Settling"..and "*expecting perfection*"....both could be cutting ourselves short...


I don’t and it’s clear that you don’t either but I think many that subscribe to a soul mate point of view do. The soul mate is the perfect match and so any imperfection means that they are less than a soul mate. The way I see it is that we are composed of jigsaw pieces of personality traits and behaviors. The goal is to find a mate that maximizes the number of pieces that match. For most marriages the totality all the pieces don’t necessarily form a full picture. There may be holes and large sections that are separate. It is super wonderful if all of them match but it is unlikely (not impossible though). The ideal of a soul mate is considering all of the pieces to fit together to form a perfect picture.



SimplyAmorous said:


> If you've missed this thread of mine.. please take a moment *>>*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...t-but-beauty-can-found-our-imperfections.html....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...I know I personally can identify with these words... about myself.. about HIM..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...I swear the funniest times we've had were making fun of our wayward moments..... we laugh, crack jokes...he makes me roar over mine!!...
> 
> ... CharlieParker expressed the same thing on that thread....calls it their "Quirks"...ya know but somehow "*acceptance*"...it's still there.. it's what makes us unique...


I did see this thread and I agreed with most of the posts so I didn’t have anything to add. I think most people understand that imperfections exist in most everything and the thread that spawned your thread was a bitter reaction to those that are currently happy in marriage. Nearly everyone who says they are happy in their marriage will also qualify that they have had down times as well. But there is a difference with the soul mate ideal. It is part of a fairy tale of a goal of finding your lifelong partner that is made popular in fairy tales. It is tied up with the notion of true love and destiny. These tales are enjoyable and fun and for certain people something similar may turn into reality. This is why I like to avoid using the term soul mate. It links fairy tale outlook with reality when they should be kept separate. Using the term perfect does not carry this connotation and does not encourage this link.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I would think all of us would have some type of internal "deal breaker" list ... imperfections in us all.. but yet some are just not as big of a deal as others...and this depends on the individual person ...we shouldn't get together with someone that there's is so bad...we'd want to take them by the throat..on a daily basis.. ya know....


The other problem I see with the soul mate ideal is that after you meet someone and you are infatuated with them you tend to overlook issues that may really be significant for you. If you are a good match and if you subscribe to the soul mate destiny, you may stop looking in the box for pieces that you can’t deal with. I love the movie Princess Bride but what happens down the road when Buttercup really can’t deal with the fact that he was a pirate. Or perhaps the problem wasn’t so visible and she discovers that Westley actually has an iocaine addiction problem. What makes a good story is different from how to choose and live with someone.



SimplyAmorous said:


> ....So a marital foundation *needs* to be based on Commitment / Faithfulness... 1st and foremost....Of course...for when our love waxs & wanes... those valleys that come.....


This is exactly true. Marriage is a commitment to build a life together. Recognizing this helps people put in the work to maintain a marriage. The notion of a soul mate implies that no work is needed. Thus when troubles arise they are confused that they don’t have a soul mate. And you are correct that the love has risen and fallen to rise again in my marriage. I overcame a period when I was not in love with my wife. How would someone who believes that there is a perfect match handle it?



SimplyAmorous said:


> I am going to throw a monkey wrench in here to where people can go wrong....some of us Romantics  ...if any type of lover is the most guilty for throwing around the "soul mate" term, it is US...feeling our beloved is an "irreplaceable" somehow..


That is just it, our spouses are not replaceable. There is a very small likelihood that you will find someone with all the traits, hopes and dreams as your spouse. But that is not the question we ask when we look to marry. The question is can you build a happy and satisfying life with a particular person? I have found that person and I don’t want to look for anyone else. Perhaps you could call my wife and I soul mates from what you see but you don’t see everything either. Even as much as I know my wife there are things about her that I still don’t know. I am learning all the time. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> .. I can't say I have ever in all of my years ...met another....from guy friends, his friends, men I have worked with...etc..that I felt could compare or fit as well WITH ME ... over what my husband brings.. I am a bit fussy for sure... and of course these mental comparisons have entered my head.. especially if the man was really good looking... but I'd still walk away saying......"Oh he's so cute but I would hate that about him... that would annoy me so bad".. or something...


But the thing is, you haven’t really had a chance to get to know many of the other men. It may be that your husband’s friends are in general not your type. SA if anyone can call their spouse a soul mate, it’s you. I’m not saying your marriage isn’t as good as you think it is. But I am willing to bet that if for some reason your husband wasn’t available all those years ago, you could have made a happy and fulfilling life with another. It might have taken a long search and meeting lots of people but I bet there are people you would be happy with. Furthermore you might be defending them as your soul mate.

For me once I saw that my happiness is about finding a good match and adjusting to the pieces that don’t fit and that there was more than one woman that could make me happy, I discounted the soul mate ideal. I know because I picked wrongly the first time. I found someone and we were a good match superficially but what I didn’t know about her was that she was still growing and discovering herself. We even used the term soul mates. While we were going to school in separate states she met someone and had an EA probably PA with him. She did the whole reevaluation thing and chose him. She was divorced a few years after they married. 

The thing is that she made me happy and while we lived together and we were strongly compatible. And I admit it. She at the time didn’t have the same notion of commitment that I had. She realized it and sought me out after her divorce but I refused to have anything more to do with her and left her communications unanswered. I also understand from mutual friends that she has remarried and been happy for 15+ years now. Perhaps some of it is also luck. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> I think we all need *a lot of wisdom *...Take it slow in dating... a book like this.. I think could really open up the communication for learning our differences , what issues that might lie ahead....getting a good idea how we mesh... but yeah... ending up like this...
> 
> >>
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ..what a wasted life it would have been.. at least I feel.


SA, this thread discussing your husband and marriage is wonderful. If anyone can call their mate a soul mate it is you. I hope you understand now why I avoid the term and think it is a prescription for many to overlook learning someone really which could lead to divorce ultimately.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> I don’t and it’s clear that you don’t either but I think many that subscribe to a soul mate point of view do. The soul mate is the perfect match and so any imperfection means that they are less than a soul mate. The way I see it is that we are composed of jigsaw pieces of personality traits and behaviors. *The goal is to find a mate that maximizes the number of pieces that match. For most marriages the totality all the pieces don’t necessarily form a full picture. There may be holes and large sections that are separate. It is super wonderful if all of them match but it is unlikely (not impossible though). The ideal of a soul mate is considering all of the pieces to fit together to form a perfect picture. *


 You are probably right about this... explains it well, doesn't it....











> I did see this thread and I agreed with most of the posts so I didn’t have anything to add. I think most people understand that imperfections exist in most everything and the thread that spawned your thread was a bitter reaction to those that are currently happy in marriage. Nearly everyone who says they are happy in their marriage will also qualify that they have had down times as well. But there is a difference with the soul mate ideal. It is part of a fairy tale of a goal of finding your lifelong partner that is made popular in fairy tales. It is tied up with the notion of true love and destiny. *These tales are enjoyable and fun and for certain people something similar may turn into reality.
> This is why I like to avoid using the term soul mate. It links fairy tale outlook with reality when they should be kept separate. *


 I remember when I was a little girl .... looking at Sonny & Cher like this...watching their show - singing "I got you Babe" holding baby Chastity...







.... I felt awful when they broke up.. It really bugged me ! Princess Diana & Charles seemed a Fairy Tale too....who would have thought he had an older Camila waiting in the wings... you learn a long time ago, things aren't always *as they appear*. 



> *The other problem I see with the soul mate ideal is that after you meet someone and you are infatuated with them you tend to overlook issues that may really be significant for you. If you are a good match and if you subscribe to the soul mate destiny, you may stop looking in the box for pieces that you can’t deal with.*
> 
> I love the movie Princess Bride but what happens down the road when Buttercup really can’t deal with the fact that he was a pirate. Or perhaps the problem wasn’t so visible and she discovers that Westley actually has an cocaine addiction problem. *What makes a good story is different from how to choose and live with someone*.


 I've never seen







.... not sure how I missed this one..it's so popular!........I must admit I had my feet on the ground here though... ..I'm too much of a Thinker / Worrier to not overturn every possible Rock, I should say pebble...contemplating every irritation that could lay in my/our future... me & he are both rather pessimistic natured to be honest.....and we look at the BAD.. we'd even take a magnifying glass to it ....

... But oh Yeah Meson....People DO THIS.....infatuation reigns with many.....missing those waving red flags..in the grips of the dopamine rush phase...... My motto in life has always went something like this...."If it seems too good to be TRUE... it is... LOOK FOR THE DIRT sister...Dig if you have to find it... but it's THERE!"... 

I was thinking of doing a thread asking "How have you / spouse changed since getting married.. the Good/ the Bad...vs when Dating".....and looking in hindsight..what would be true...

*1.* Missing those Red Flags...caught up in the whirlwind / LOVE can conquer all mentality (your soul mate thought here)...
*2.* Partner misrepresented himself/ herself / faking it to get to the alter / bait & Switch situation... 
*3* No misrepresentation but people change... and unfortunately we grow apart....
*4* No self awareness to own needs & desires in a marriage.. basically naive ...went in blindly.. 
*5* We haven't really changed...and /or we have...but it's been all good, growing together...

I need a new thread !



> This is exactly true. *Marriage is a commitment to build a life together. Recognizing this helps people put in the work to maintain a marriage. *LIke this *>> *














> That is just it, our spouses are not replaceable. There is a very small likelihood that you will find someone with all the traits, hopes and dreams as your spouse. But that is not the question we ask when we look to marry. The question is can you build a happy and satisfying life with a particular person? I have found that person and I don’t want to look for anyone else. Perhaps you could call my wife and I soul mates from what you see but you don’t see everything either. * Even as much as I know my wife there are things about her that I still don’t know. I am learning all the time.*


 They say some "Mystery" holds the attraction for many... I've seen this on the lists of women in what they want in a man... I often feel I know my husband so well I could answer any personal question for him...though sometimes he surprises me... and it's an "ah ha" moment... and that's FUN...we're still learning cause we're still seeking to KNOW.. how very important it is... should last a lifetime...

I think books like this *>>* Intellectual Foreplay  ...many similar on amazon & Games....just hanging out on the swing together on a summer day.... bouncing some of these back & forth....it's a lot of FUN... We do stuff like that...











> But the thing is, you haven’t really had a chance to get to know many of the other men. It may be that your husband’s friends are in general not your type. SA if anyone can call their spouse a soul mate, it’s you. I’m not saying your marriage isn’t as good as you think it is. But I am willing to bet that if for some reason your husband wasn’t available all those years ago, you could have made a happy and fulfilling life with another. * It might have taken a long search and meeting lots of people but I bet there are people you would be happy with.* Furthermore you might be defending them as your soul mate.


 I'll agree with the bolded blue here. There is most certainly many more things I'd have to compromise on with another...I'm going to say I am very realistic in making this assumption. I think I found one on this forum though --ha ha ....*STONEWALL *-other than he plans vacations , doesn't mind the sight of blood and he likes to write! (those are all pluses by the way)...He sounds my husband's twin in almost everything he says.. 



> For me once I saw that my happiness is about finding a good match and adjusting to the pieces that don’t fit and that there was more than one woman that could make me happy, I discounted the soul mate ideal. I know because I picked wrongly the first time. * I found someone and we were a good match superficially but what I didn’t know about her was that she was still growing and discovering herself. We even used the term soul mates. * While we were going to school in separate states she met someone and had an EA probably PA with him. She did the whole reevaluation thing and chose him. She was divorced a few years after they married.


 I think long distance relationships of any kind would be very very difficult..I am convinced not everyone could handle that sort of thing....I don't think I could. 



> *SA, this thread discussing your husband and marriage is wonderful. If anyone can call their mate a soul mate it is you. I hope you understand now why I avoid the term and think it is a prescription for many to overlook learning someone really which could lead to divorce ultimately*.


 It's good to hear your perspective... though still with me, I wouldn't dare call someone this unless I practically knew him like the back of my hand...it's something profoundly deep/ best friends/ inseparable... type situation... can talk & joke about anything anytime anywhere....

I sent my husband so many love notes while dating ...basically picking his brain to pieces on this, that & the other... some other guy would probably want to throw me out the window... ha ha... the fact he answered them all (when he didn't even like to write)... never played any games...always welcoming me with open arms..I think had it been anyone else, I would have been met with ... "Leave me alone woman, I need to study, hang with the boys.... I need my cave!"....

..............


----------



## CharlieParker

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was thinking of doing a thread asking "How have you / spouse changed since getting married.. the Good/ the Bad...vs when Dating".....and looking in hindsight..what would be true...
> 
> *1.* Missing those Red Flags...caught up in the whirlwind / LOVE can conquer all mentality (your soul mate thought here)...
> *2.* Partner misrepresented himself/ herself / faking it to get to the alter / bait & Switch situation...
> *3* No misrepresentation but people change... and unfortunately we grow apart....
> *4* No self awareness to own needs & desires in a marriage.. basically naive ...went in blindly..
> *5* We haven't really changed...and /or we have...but it's been all good, growing together...
> 
> I need a new thread !



Please do. We were talking about this (kinda) the other day. We were friends for 6 years before getting together and both think that was really important.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

CharlieParker said:


> *Please do. We were talking about this (kinda) the other day. We were friends for 6 years before getting together and both think that was really important.*


We were together 6 + yrs too Charlie Parker..  He would have married me at 18, but he didn't have health insurance yet....and I really wanted our own little house....all that fell nicely into place a few yrs later....the timing was upon us. 

I will get to that thread... I promise !


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> You are probably right about this... explains it well, doesn't it....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I remember when I was a little girl .... looking at Sonny & Cher like this...watching their show - singing "I got you Babe" holding baby Chastity...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .... I felt awful when they broke up.. It really bugged me ! Princess Diana & Charles seemed a Fairy Tale too....who would have thought he had an older Camila waiting in the wings... you learn a long time ago, things aren't always *as they appear*.
> 
> I've never seen
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .... not sure how I missed this one..it's so popular!........I must admit I had my feet on the ground here though... ..I'm too much of a Thinker / Worrier to not overturn every possible Rock, I should say pebble...contemplating every irritation that could lay in my/our future... me & he are both rather pessimistic natured to be honest.....and we look at the BAD.. we'd even take a magnifying glass to it ....
> 
> ... But oh Yeah Meson....People DO THIS.....infatuation reigns with many.....missing those waving red flags..in the grips of the dopamine rush phase...... My motto in life has always went something like this...."If it seems too good to be TRUE... it is... LOOK FOR THE DIRT sister...Dig if you have to find it... but it's THERE!"...
> 
> I was thinking of doing a thread asking "How have you / spouse changed since getting married.. the Good/ the Bad...vs when Dating".....and looking in hindsight..what would be true...
> 
> *1.* Missing those Red Flags...caught up in the whirlwind / LOVE can conquer all mentality (your soul mate thought here)...
> *2.* Partner misrepresented himself/ herself / faking it to get to the alter / bait & Switch situation...
> *3* No misrepresentation but people change... and unfortunately we grow apart....
> *4* No self awareness to own needs & desires in a marriage.. basically naive ...went in blindly..
> *5* We haven't really changed...and /or we have...but it's been all good, growing together...
> 
> I need a new thread !
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> They say some "Mystery" holds the attraction for many... I've seen this on the lists of women in what they want in a man... I often feel I know my husband so well I could answer any personal question for him...though sometimes he surprises me... and it's an "ah ha" moment... and that's FUN...we're still learning cause we're still seeking to KNOW.. how very important it is... should last a lifetime...
> 
> I think books like this *>>* Intellectual Foreplay  ...many similar on amazon & Games....just hanging out on the swing together on a summer day.... bouncing some of these back & forth....it's a lot of FUN... We do stuff like that...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'll agree with the bolded blue here. There is most certainly many more things I'd have to compromise on with another...I'm going to say I am very realistic in making this assumption. I think I found one on this forum though --ha ha ....*STONEWALL *-other than he plans vacations , doesn't mind the sight of blood and he likes to write! (those are all pluses by the way)...He sounds my husband's twin in almost everything he says..
> 
> I think long distance relationships of any kind would be very very difficult..I am convinced not everyone could handle that sort of thing....I don't think I could.
> 
> It's good to hear your perspective... though still with me, I wouldn't dare call someone this unless I practically knew him like the back of my hand...it's something profoundly deep/ best friends/ inseparable... type situation... can talk & joke about anything anytime anywhere....
> 
> I sent my husband so many love notes while dating ...basically picking his brain to pieces on this, that & the other... some other guy would probably want to throw me out the window... ha ha... the fact he answered them all (when he didn't even like to write)... never played any games...always welcoming me with open arms..I think had it been anyone else, I would have been met with ... "Leave me alone woman, I need to study, hang with the boys.... I need my cave!"....
> 
> ..............


Right back atcha SA. Serve, volley LOL! Sometimes I wonder if each of us is preprogrammed to search for a particular type of mate. Its not that I don't see other women that I instantly recognize as very attractive but that is just an illusion. Reality comes knocking with her first words. 

I am a very easy going guy who despises conflict and will do anything to avoid it unless it falls within my critical spectrum. If I consider it critical I will take it on full bore in an instant. 

I don't act very Alpha. That is not to say I have no alpha traits. I do but I hold them in reserve. When my alpha does come out, someone has had a bad day! Being in the Fire service forever; I have seen way to much alpha thrown around. To me it smacks of phoniness. I fear its going to get someone killed and they wont change until that happens. I hope I have retired by the time that happens. 

The things that bring alpha to bear from me are anything that endangers life, limbs, eyesight, my assets or my wife or children. Other than that I'm beta, I'm a fixer. a caregiver, in some ways I'm a homemaker which I hate to say cause it makes me sound like I'm a little light in the loafers. I am attracted to strong willed women. and it doesn't take me but a few sentences to figure out if they are that. I think sometimes the therapists or whatever who say you should find someone just like you are dead wrong. I think in some sense we tend to look for opposites as they would help balance the family out.There are things she is good at that I am not and vice versa.

In the first week I was on this forum I found myself searching for posts by SA. There was an instant connection (at least on my part). Didn't know her, never met her, never even saw her pic (until later) yet there was a connection to her through her writings. Through her writings I knew exactly who she was, she was my wife! Well not really but you get the picture. The more we posted back and forth the more my wife she became. It was down right strange. On so many levels our families lives were like doppelgangers (I don't know if I spelled that right). At one point SA mentioned an experience she had with Mr SA where she was doing the dishes and he came up and hugged her and blah blah. HOLY S**T........The same exact experience happened to me exactly! And this was a significant experience in my life. I won't go into the details but it hurt me badly. I forgave her but it still hurts when I think about it and I still don't understand why. But anyway at this point I came to the conclusion SA actually was my wife. From that point on it took me a couple of weeks figure out that it wasn't my wife using a stage name.


----------



## Stonewall

I meant to mention the learning experience part. I find that I am thrilled like a little kid when I learn something new from her about her. Particularly something about a sexual fantasy that turns her on or she finds this movie star hot or whatever.Those rare moments when she will talk to me like I was her best girlfriend that she has known since childhood days whom she trust with everything. In other words the things she hides the most and won't tell anyone. I find it exhilarating and almost giddy when she rarely opens up her box of secret knowledge to me.

Ok, does that sound nuts?


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> You know I have heard this song so many times over the years - but never really stopped & listened to it's words or contemplated it's meaning...
> 
> The picture in my mind is ...very beautiful ... since I am a Country girl after all...something like this...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Love how it's got the Romance in it...and children running as the sun goes down...those seasons in our lives...Breathe it all in.
> 
> 
> 
> You are going to make me Ball damn it...just kidding...well really I am not.. but it's all good!



how bout this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpqqjU7u5Yc


----------



## SA's husband

Stonewall said:


> I am a very easy going guy who despises conflict and will do anything to avoid it unless it falls within my critical spectrum. If I consider it critical I will take it on full bore in an instant.
> 
> I don't act very Alpha. That is not to say I have no alpha traits. I do but I hold them in reserve. When my alpha does come out, someone has had a bad day! Being in the Fire service forever; I have seen way to much alpha thrown around. To me it smacks of phoniness. I fear its going to get someone killed and they wont change until that happens. I hope I have retired by the time that happens.
> 
> The things that bring alpha to bear from me are anything that endangers life, limbs, eyesight, my assets or my wife or children. Other than that I'm beta, I'm a fixer. a caregiver


Yes, this is me, I do not like conflict at all, this happens mostly at work, and when i do get into something with someone I feel like I am being the same idiot they are, best to let them rattle on and make a fool of themselves. 

My wife can be intense when she is upset, you would know all about that, but she knows how to make it up to me afterwards, she's easy to forgive. She has her moments but they are few and far apart. That's what we get when we marry strong willed women!



> At one point SA mentioned an experience she had with Mr SA where she was doing the dishes and he came up and hugged her and blah blah. HOLY S**T........The same exact experience happened to me exactly! And this was a significant experience in my life. I won't go into the details but it hurt me badly. I forgave her but it still hurts when I think about it and I still don't understand why. But anyway at this point I came to the conclusion SA actually was my wife. From that point on it took me a couple of weeks figure out that it wasn't my wife using a stage name.


 It hurt me too back then, she tells me now she thinks she needed more sex and didn't know what she needed, she's made up for all.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> *I am a very easy going guy who despises conflict and will do anything to avoid it unless it falls within my critical spectrum. If I consider it critical I will take it on full bore in an instant*.


Stonewall....thank you for sharing... I was  reading your post with some of this going on >>...I had no idea I sounded THAT much like your wife ...as you always say...what a parallel world we live in. 

Speaking on the "I hate conflict" ...I actually ENJOY it when he gets FIRED up... a few things that can do this.. one particular co-worker...it's like his quest to get under everyone's skin... it's not just husband by any means...but he WILL defend himself....got up in his face one day asking "can you hear this ?" with his middle finger pointed down, raised his voice & said "I'll turn it up!"...







......It got REAL quiet in that room....as those guys weren't used to him going off...they enjoyed telling me that story! I thought it was great! 

But you know..we talked about that..he hated it..he explained he shouldn't have to act that way, he doesn't like himself getting that angry.... then he'll go on about people being A-holes.. 

And BIL likes to brow beat us with his Political views on Holidays... I'll see husband getting out of his chair standing up leaning over the table firing back at him.....last year...I just pulled up my chair for the show...I told them I was enjoying that exchange...I just don't see him get aggressive much...so when it happens, I tend to LIKE it .... what can I say! ya know...he wasn't going to allow him to "Lord his brand of truth" over him...



> *I don't act very Alpha. That is not to say I have no alpha traits. I do but I hold them in reserve. When my alpha does come out, someone has had a bad day! Being in the Fire service forever; I have seen way to much alpha thrown around. To me it smacks of phoniness. I fear its going to get someone killed and they wont change until that happens. I hope I have retired by the time that happens.*


 You sound a lot like the poster *Unbelievable* .... he is a COP and speaks like this.. you & HE see the worst of it..on a daily basis even. 



> in some ways I'm a homemaker which I hate to say cause it makes me sound like I'm a little light in the loafers.* I am attracted to strong willed women.* and it doesn't take me but a few sentences to figure out if they are that.


 I am curious about something though... Ok... your wife has this side.. but does she also have the very sensitive/ tender side as well -wearing her







on her sleeve with you -only YOU ? I have the 2 faces of Eve going on here - being a Choleric /Melancholy temperament...no doubt causes that "intensity" he speaks of. 



> *I think sometimes the therapists or whatever who say you should find someone just like you are dead wrong. I think in some sense we tend to look for opposites as they would help balance the family out. There are things she is good at that I am not and vice versa.*


 I think when these conversations are brought up.... people don't get specific about what the OPPOSITES are... for instance Imagine 2 strong willed independent minded people together....who disagreed on many things.. God help that couple ! .... One thing that's true between him & I...is.....he is just NOT *as particular* as me (yes, I harder to please).... on BIG issues...sure, but the little stuff... he could care less...this way, that way, the other way..whatever makes the wife happy!... this really *IS* his attitude...he is a phlegmatic after all...and I love it ! (I just read this to him, asking if this was true.... he approved it with a ) 

What about a couple where they both are Quiet... WOW, what excitement that would be!... or a couple -where they both loved to yak yak yak...wouldn't they get on each others nerves! 

So the temperament thing brings the Yin & the Yang...his weaknesses = my strengths... my weaknesses = His strengths.









I feel it causes far more trouble/ struggle when our *Love Languages *run in opposite directions...it may take yrs for a couple to learn, even be on the brink of despair -that they've been missing each other...this is a common story on TAM....and really we have to put ourselves down (our natural way) to please the other in what *they crave*, *how THEY feel loved*...it requires more concerted effort for sure. A "time" person who married a "Workaholic" would cause great suffering...for instance. 

And a whole host of other things like:

*1.* Theist vs Non believer...besides feeling one is "lost" & one is







-what do you teach the kids!
*2*. City lover hooks up with Country girl (settle on the suburbs maybe!)
*3*. Socialite marries Homebody (if they enjoy time apart.. I suppose this one could work)
*4.*. "Open book type"/ Transparency very important -marries one who feels this is invading his/her space/ strictly private person. 
*5*. Saver marries frivolous spender (might be fine if $$ is abundant but if struggling...a marital war zone could ensue)
*6. *Clean freak marries Hoarder...(I've seen this one at play, caused much contention) 
*7*. Uninterested Low driver /no enthusiasm for sex hooks up with sensitive High drive pleaser (this would cause a mountain of pain & resentment!)
*8*. Romantic female marries Unemotional stoic male who feels Romance is overrated, sets people up for Fairy tales & Unrealistic expectations. 
*9*. Hard core Feminist marries a Traditionalist....(I doubt this happens very often.) 

So yeah...I feel the more a couple has in common...in what we hold dear, what brings us happiness /Rocks our world...this is where Harmony steps in.... 



> *On so many levels our families lives were like doppelgangers (I don't know if I spelled that right). At one point SA mentioned an experience she had with Mr SA where she was doing the dishes and he came up and hugged her and blah blah. HOLY S**T........The same exact experience happened to me exactly! And this was a significant experience in my life. I won't go into the details but it hurt me badly. I forgave her but it still hurts when I think about it and I still don't understand why*.
> 
> * But anyway at this point I came to the conclusion SA actually was my wife. From that point on it took me a couple of weeks figure out that it wasn't my wife using a stage name*.


 Again...this is just too much! 

Then to top all of that off we learned BOTH of our oldest sons are Worship Leaders







.... though my husband never took any Seminary studies - oh my, he would have been fast asleep in every class!









I am not sure of the causes / what was going on with your wife back then....with me...  to say..he'd come home, always in a GOOD MOOD, wanting to be near me / touch me.. I might be doing the dishes or something...and honestly it had NOTHING to do with him at all....he was wonderful, it was MY discontent... my frustration over not being able to get pregnant... too many lets down...the years dragged on... worry would overtake me at times (I OVER THINK).... I was trying to come to grips that we may *never* have more children (& I just wasn't happy with this!).... I really didn't want to adopt - double minded there...then the fertility testing/ a surgery.. still another 2 yrs....... I was just a ball of emotions at times...and my attitude rebuffed him... 

Oh how I have wanted to go back in time and relive those years....it was all for nothing... I just needed more patience, more faith... Because of my own struggle here...I can surely understand people who find themselves frustrated -hanging on to a dream that may never be realized...It's very disheartening... 

Thankfully we had our 1st son - in this way there was much Joy amidst what I allowed , in my stupidity, to steal from us. 

That's a new word for me *Doppelgänger*- had to look that up !








-a ghostly double or counterpart of a living person...yet not a twin...


----------



## Stonewall

Yep she has the 2 faces of eve but I call them eva. Her grandma was named Eva and they say she was a little crazy. So if I come home from work or whatever and get the feeling she is in a mood I'll say "have you seen Eva round here today?"


----------



## SimplyAmorous

TinyPic keeps deleting my post pics... not sure what is up with that... trying another site ! 



Stonewall said:


> I meant to mention the learning experience part. I find that I am thrilled like a little kid when I learn something new from her about her. *Particularly something about a sexual fantasy that turns her on or she finds this movie star hot or whatever.Those rare moments when she will talk to me like I was her best girlfriend that she has known since childhood days whom she trust with everything*. In other words the things she hides the most and won't tell anyone. I find it exhilarating and almost giddy when she rarely opens up her box of secret knowledge to me.
> 
> Ok, does that sound nuts?


See this is something ELSE you and He have in common .. others might find it







or even "disrespectful" ....My husband has never felt this way...I've always shared openly... he's known all the actors I found HOT... Rock stars... we watch their movies together! ...He'd wouldn't change this.. I know who he thinks is HOT too... I ASK !.... I enjoy the hearing.....He is my best friend... 

But can I say... it's paramount to give SO much of ourselves that our partner KNOWS that he KNOWS that he KNOWS he is our #1 ...always....

Really... there is nothing I could tell a girl friend I couldn't *easily* say to him... and likewise, anything he might joke around saying to the guys at work, he can share with me too.....we like it that way. 

I've noticed your posts on this... and wanted to give you a high five..







....

A while back...watching some soft Porn together... I asked him..."Does it bother you that I enjoy watching this, looking at other men"....he says to me >> "Are you sneaking out while I'm at work to go to the Studio?" ... I just laughed.... Then he went on telling me he likes watching my face/ expressions when I'm looking at it... and on his end, he downloads his own







collection... I swear he gets more enjoyment out of the "collection" over actually looking at them... it's weird.. but that's his thing...

Both of us hold what we share very dear....that's our secret place... just him and I... but when it comes to a little fantasy... let the light shine in... that's just how we are.... I don't feel this takes anything away from us at all.. 

So NO, it doesn't sound NUTS to me...or would it HIM ! 

..Yeah ..the Bee Gees...really shows our age... a sucker for love songs here...



> I know your eyes in the morning sun
> I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
> And the moment that you wander far from me
> I wanna feel you in my arms again
> 
> And you come to me on a summer breeze
> Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
> And it's me you need to show
> 
> How deep is your love
> I really need to learn
> Cause were living in a world of fools
> Breaking us down
> When they all should let us be
> We belong to you and me
> 
> I believe in you
> You know the door to my very soul
> Youre the light in my deepest darkest hour
> Youre my saviour when I fall


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Meson....I just wanted to tell you - I really appreciate your insight into the whole "Soul Mate" thing... even though I seem like I argue my way of thinking in my replies.... what YOU say is so very very balanced and more in tune with reality... I believe this strongly..

There was a new thread here that captured some of what you were talking about.. people jumping in (in this case in just 2.5 weeks!







) thinking they found their "Soul mate".... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/165458-think-i-met-my-soul-mate.html

IN my googling, searching for a decent article to help him see reality.. I stumbled upon one that I think we'd BOTH AGREE ON... it talks in depth about everything you laid out ... yet still allows for *the Word* to be used (once it's been tested by time, challenged by shared trails/ overcoming - giving it the honor it deserves)... written by John Gray, the author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus ....

I had to share this....








...Soulmates: Myth or Reality? ...









Some parts of the article.. I am skipping ...the article is LONG.. but wanted to highlight some things.... 



> ...*Most People Dream about Having a Soulmate...
> But Few Turn the Dream into a Reality*
> 
> The idea of a soulmate has both conscious or unconscious elements. Even if we do not intellectually believe in soulmates, we are still affected.
> 
> We all hold some unconscious list of notions describing an "ideal" relationship partner. Often we recite parts of this list as what we want in a partner.
> 
> But reality inevitably fails to match our ideals. And we judge and react to real people according to our ideals.
> 
> As a result, many relationships that have potential are blocked, if not lost. And dissatisfaction, unhappiness and upsets are unconsciously generated.
> 
> Is the very notion of "soulmate" (conscious or unconscious) just a self-limiting fantasy — an idealization which only keeps us from ever feeling truly satisfied with a real-life human partner?
> 
> What I will tell you about soulmates is a paradox that goes beyond fantasies, myths, empty hopes or hype. It may get you to realize something vital about relationships, no matter what you believe about soulmates.
> 
> It's easy to feel like you are soulmates in the midst of a passionate and seemingly endless honeymoon.
> 
> When you feel like soulmates at the end of a decade, something else is involved. It is not a fantasy, but a realization based on a real-world track record, already well tested by time.
> 
> I figure this — that you don't just meet a "soulmate" and live happily ever after, like the myth that we all would prefer to believe says. Instead, I have observed that real world soulmates become that — by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully — as contrasted with how many other couples get stuck in less fulfilling, impoverished relationships.
> 
> Putting this together, the following formula occurred to me:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *Love at first sight = Potential Soulmates
> 
> Love that overcomes challenges = Real-World Soulmates*
> 
> 
> 
> I define real-world soulmates as two partners who engage in overcoming challenges that test their relationship.
> 
> This is not something you can forecast in advance, when you initially fall in love. So, in a real sense, whether you feel like "soulmates" or not at the start of a relationship does not tell you how you will end up a decade later.
> 
> Real-world soulmates are tempered by time, like metal by fire. Time reveals that they persistently chose to learn and grow when confronted by challenges.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... *Meeting Your Soulmate vs. Becoming Soulmates*
> 
> With today's high rate of relationship dissatisfaction — and divorce — it's time for major change. Regardless of intellectual beliefs, most of us unconsciously hold onto a fantasy-based soulmate myth.
> 
> The danger with this soulmate ideal — whether we subscribe consciously, or unconsciosly — is that in times of challenge, we usually find our real-world partner comes up short of our internal idealized, hoped-for mate. And then we, ourselves, start to think and act in ways that hurt our real-world relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...*The Honeymoon - Falling in Love is like a Spiritual Experience*
> 
> The feeling of "being soulmates" is all about the incredible openness and receptivity, the expansion so far beyond our norm and comfort zone, the heightened clear access to energy and passion.
> 
> This is our internal state. We assume it comes from outside of us — from the other person we are with. In a word, we call them our "soulmate". But what we are really talking about is our own internal state of expansion
> 
> Some say the honeymoon is like a spiritual experience. But reality says the honeymoon does not last forever. So it's important to refine our thinking about soulmates, true love, and what is essential for a lasting relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... *Love is Not Enough*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... *Finding a "Soulmate" is Not Enough*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... *Deepening Love Beyond the Honeymoon - Lasting Soulmates are Not Passive*
> 
> There is that next phase to love, the one beyond the honeymoon. If we want a great relationship to deepen and last, we need to realize that "happily ever after" includes feelings other than happiness.
> 
> There will be challenges.
> 
> We are the ones who must realize it is our own openness that is the key to keeping a relationship great and growing — and then learn to re-open ourselves — even when there are challenges. Especially when there are challenges!
> 
> The myth of "soulmates" is about a relationship that is blue sky forever. Always sunny, and that sunshine pours down on us, brightens us up, lifts us.
> 
> In a real-world relationship, challenges come. The sky occasionally clouds. We are asked to stay present with what is — not run and hide, waiting for the rainy day to pass. We are challenged to put aside limiting beliefs and embrace the rain, realizing that even rain has a positive purpose.
> 
> Relationship is our greatest teacher. It tells us what we need to learn next in life for our personal growth. In love we are called on to do work — to become more skillful in relating, move beyond our past wounds and limits, and grow as human beings. This personal growth will include learning new tools and strategies in how we communicate, behave, and process emotions.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... *Soulmates Engage in Personal Growth -Love Brings Up Our Lesson Plan*
> 
> Couples who are becoming soulmates are willing to learn how to open themselves, even when the going gets rough. They commit to learn to bring out their best, instead of passively giving way to their habitual reactions. They refuse to simply close down into fear, withdrawal, self-defensiveness, resentment, blame, criticism, or the many other common ways we destroy our own relationships.
> 
> As a Japanese proverb suggests: "The Obstacle *is* the Path."
> 
> You are called on to instigate positive transformation. Each partner needs to come forward in times of challenge and expand to the occasion, rather than closing down.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... *Did We Learn to Do the Work of Relationship?*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... *How Do You Know if You Are True "Soulmates"?* (the closing)
> 
> You cannot know it by the honeymoon phase alone. To know you are real-world soulmates, you need to see how you both show up to work with real-world upsets, sensitivities, differences and challenges.
> 
> Some couples start with all the magic feelings about being soulmates — and then it fizzles. Continuing to want a passive solution to love, they conclude their partner was not the "right" person after all. They then look for the next honeymoon high, hitch the next passive ride — until it crashes.
> 
> **** Other couples do not even think the word soulmate, nor do they believe in magic. But they commit to personal growth and face each lesson that love brings up. After awhile, doing the work of relationship over the years, they can see the solid trust and intimacy they have built, and there is little doubt in their hearts — they are soulmates, in the sense that they are now experiencing a solidity in their love which has never occurred previously in their lives.
> 
> It is in the willingness to open, and re-open again — as often as needed — and embrace the obstacle directly in front of you — that you finally get to a more continual and expanded state, a reliable fullness of love, and the deep core sense of being soulmates.
> 
> You know you are with a "soulmate" if you are both doing your soulwork together. Soulwork is that courageous self-opening, expanding and growing as a chosen response to challenges that close down most people.
> 
> The requirement is being willing to take a challenge to heart and respond to it by learning new tools, strategies or understandings to overcome it.
> 
> Doing that enables you to succeed in building a partnership so unparalleled that the best way you have to describe that in words is that you are "soulmates".
Click to expand...


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> Meson....I just wanted to tell you - I really appreciate your insight into the whole "Soul Mate" thing... even though I seem like I argue my way of thinking in my replies.... what YOU say is so very very balanced and more in tune with reality... I believe this strongly..
> 
> There was a new thread here that captured some of what you were talking about.. people jumping in (in this case in just 2.5 weeks!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ) thinking they found their "Soul mate".... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/165458-think-i-met-my-soul-mate.html
> 
> IN my googling, searching for a decent article to help him see reality.. I stumbled upon one that I think we'd BOTH AGREE ON... it talks in depth about everything you laid out ... yet still allows for *the Word* to be used (once it's been tested by time, challenged by shared trails/ overcoming - giving it the honor it deserves)... written by John Gray, the author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus ....
> 
> I had to share this....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...Soulmates: Myth or Reality? ...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Some parts of the article.. I am skipping ...the article is LONG.. but wanted to highlight some things....



Yes, I saw that thread and didn't feel like being a buzz kill on it. I do feel strongly about it because I fell into the trap I mentioned myself. I only went into it in such detail here because you asked me why. 

I will admit that the article above describes a way the term can be used to avoid the pitfalls I mentioned. I had the idea that you and you husband fall into that usage and thats why I think it can apply to you two if it does anyone. The longevity and peristance is crucial and you both are still going strong so I will dub you soulmates! Here's to you both, :toast:


----------



## hambone

I was thinking of doing a thread asking "How have you / spouse changed since getting married.. the Good/ the Bad...vs when Dating".....and looking in hindsight..what would be true...

*1.* Missing those Red Flags...caught up in the whirlwind / LOVE can conquer all mentality (your soul mate thought here)...
*2.* Partner misrepresented himself/ herself / faking it to get to the alter / bait & Switch situation... 
*3* No misrepresentation but people change... and unfortunately we grow apart....
*4* No self awareness to own needs & desires in a marriage.. basically naive ...went in blindly.. 
*5* We haven't really changed...and /or we have...but it's been all good, growing together...



SA. You hit the nail squarely on the head... especially #2. too many people jump through hoops to get someone to marry them. Only to relax and be themselves after they get married. 

Relax... be yourself and let someone fall into love with real YOU!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> *Here's to you both*, :toast:


 Meson!



hambone said:


> *SA. You hit the nail squarely on the head... especially #2. too many people jump through hoops to get someone to marry them. Only to relax and be themselves after they get married.
> 
> Relax... be yourself and let someone fall into love with real YOU!*


I did that thread Hambone -did you catch it ?... I added another # and expounded on the details... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ng-vows-now-who-what-why-could-weathered.html


----------



## hambone

SimplyAmorous said:


> Meson!
> 
> 
> 
> I did that thread Hambone -did you catch it ?... I added another # and expounded on the details...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ng-vows-now-who-what-why-could-weathered.html


Yes, I cut and pasted what you posted!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Threetimesalady said:


> I hope in my last post on my site where I addressed something to you, that people here if they ever read my post don't think I am looking for likes...As you can see I was bugged when I wrote that and didn't keep it a secret...That is one part of me that has not changed....That being: "letting it all hang out"...


 It is very vulnerable to let it all hang out.. ya know...but the nature of a forum like this allows for that....you're in good company..... earlier I noticed this one thread *>>* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/184137-post-hypocrite-me.html .... 1 day -over 6,600 views...something in US automatically hones in on the admitted Hypocrite... why do we do that, it's like going past an accident scene along the highway...We all slow down....we have to look... 

At the end of the day, if we didn't have a little dirt in our past.. we'd be pretty boring and unrelatable...now wouldn't we....our stories help shape us in so many ways.....there is always some lesson to be learned..and to carry....whether good or bad...it's insight we can share.... also I feel it calms others to know we're not perfect... it's not always such a bad thing.. it keeps us humble before others...

We have these new neighbors ...they are the picture of perfection..from the outside...Absolutely gorgeous younger couple...New house...having another baby soon.... she could be a Dallas Cheerleader.. her husband -model looks also...they drive a cadillac 4x4 , I didn't even know such things existed!

I showed H some of their pics on FB.... .he says to me after a few looks & mentioning the Cadillac....."they're too good for us"... but ya know.. we visited them the other day, they invited our youngest for a B party... they were the most down to earth people... I was kinda blown away...from the moment we walked in the door, they showered interest and friendliness...we laughed about our Bomb cars...we were talking about Life, marriage, God, Kids.. where we've been, what we do, even hit on Sex....they are christians, her parents in Ministry ...and well they slipped -had their 1st son out of wedlock...not exactly the plan.. 

I am sure that experience helps them understand how others can find themselves in such a situation... even though it worked itself out well for them....it's just not the case for all.....yet they can relate to that human weakness .. We all have our areas ..and moments in time.. 

There is this quote by Brene Brown... a really good one..."Our lives are a collection of stories – truths about who we are, what we believe, what we come from, how we struggle and how we are strong. When we can let go of what people think, and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness – the feeling that we are enough just as we are, and that we are worthy of love and belonging."

Thank you for all you have shared with us ThreeTimesaLady !


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Just wanted to share a day in a life of our family.... me & Husband met our 1st TAMer....who would have thought!... JLD ! 
She & her son just left our house a few hrs ago.... we spent all day yesterday together.....we sat in our Gazebo sipping tea ..







talking about life, love, kids, parenting, TAM, sensitivity, differences of opinion/ experiences, our childhoods... and well all sorts of things... we are both big on sharing.. and we ate it up.. Husband joined us now & then, then I'd shoo him away...for some girl talk.. 

We loaded all 9 of us up in our Suburban & visited a Park in our area with a waterfall, the kids climbing on rocks nearby ...










... Beautiful day, Good conversation.. the time flew by....it's like we've known each other somehow...just from her spirit /that sheer openness on this forum......Can I say...she was all that I had envisioned her to be...that almost "too compassionate" for the care of others persona I gleamed HERE over the past year reading her story, her threads... 

I found myself telling her over & over..."I am not as sweet and sacrificial as you are "...to the point of making myself look bad....she seemed to respect that... because....well... it's REAL...saying >> "But that's how you feel _____"....followed by "we need to be who we are"... 

When you get 2 unfiltered transparency nuts together...you never know what might FLY!... Lots of laughs too......I had to Jab her...making fun over her being DARING enough (can I say CRAZY!) to start some of these "TAM Suicide" threads on here...like "compassion for Waywards" / the "love child" thread...oh & the Kinky one...what was she thinking [email protected]#$%....she invites being ran over by a bus...Oh goodness.. leave it to JLD ! 

She has bared the backlash.. for her difference of opinion or even experiences, or lack there of....all I want to say is.. from one who has sat and talked with the woman behind the screen name....invited her to our home... I found her completely genuine... what a well behaved wonderful son she had by her side also. 

Something we both took from our meeting....we're all learning /still growing....in understanding the various differences that allow for the unique dynamics we read about here on TAM... to what "works" for some...and works WELL.. could be in complete contrast to what works for another...even using our own spouses to illustrate this, we had some indepth talks here too...

Though our H's are much the same in some areas..... boy are they ever different!! .. even me and her.. so much the same... then WOW.. blazing opposites in this area or that !

Kinda cool though! I celebrate those differences.. for diversity ...even entertainment and here is to Friendship ! 

















JLD !


----------



## Caribbean Man

Lucky You SA!


----------



## Anonymous07

Sounds like a great day SA. 

And that park is gorgeous! Care to share where it is(private message it to me, maybe?)? I love going to waterfalls. My husband and I used to try to do all of the waterfall hikes in our area of Southern California, hitting most of them, but haven't really gone since having our son. Then when we went to Kauai, we went to 3 different waterfalls there. We'd like to go to Oregon at some point. I'm hoping to start up again as our son grows up.


----------



## jld

Oh, SA, I had such a good time with you yesterday! I cannot thank you enough. And you have such a lovely family, in every way! 

I am still beaming just thinking about it. 24 hours of almost non-stop conversation, and your dh was such a good sport about it! And even seemed to enjoy joining in! 

What a truly kind man he is, and such a gentleman. What a great example for your boys, and for the men around him, too. Your daughter is lucky to have a father like that. 

And he adores you! All these romantic stories we hear, and the beautiful pictures you share with us, are a true reflection of the love and harmony in your marriage. 

As much as your husband loves you, SA, and is a wonderful father to your wonderful children, I really feel like you are the sunshine in your home. You are the energy source. You had a dream of a big, beautiful, loving family, and you made it all happen. I am sure your husband thanks his lucky stars every day for you. He knows he could not have a better wife, nor a better mother for his children. 

I think all of us on TAM know that SA is a very special person. I have wanted to meet her at least since the first days I was on here, and maybe even before I registered. She takes the time to make such kind and understanding posts, each one a custom-made gift for that individual, complete with graphics.  I have picked up so many good book recommendations from her, and have enjoyed listening to many classic love songs!  You really make each of us feel special on TAM with your thoughtful reflections on our posts, SA. 

And if ever a home had positive energy just flowing like the river Nile through it, it is SA and SA's husband's home. So relaxed and friendly, so accepting and hospitable. Just so easy to be with. No wonder her children are so down-to-earth; their parents are completely unpretentious! Such a rare find!

Many, many thanks, and big hugs to you and your family, SA!!!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> And if ever a home had positive energy just flowing like the river Nile through it, it is SA and SA's husband's home. So relaxed and friendly, so accepting and hospitable. Just so easy to be with. No wonder her children are so down-to-earth; their parents are completely *unpretentious*! Such a rare find!
> 
> Many, many thanks, and big hugs to you and your family, SA!!!


Jld...you really know how to lay it on THICK .... you are one very complimentary & praising woman.. very appreciative of all those around you, never one to take something for granted...very giving.....always offering a "Mother's heart"... I would even say ...seeking world peace ! 

My H thanks you for the plums and pineapple, by the way (in his lunch today)..he says you are "good people"... 

Speaking of "Unpretentious"...I think you said this about 3 times during your stay...maybe I've been living under a rock, but I really didn't even know the meaning of this word... remember I asked !.... I even googled it after you left... I'll take that >> "without airs, sincere, authentic"... I surely would say the same of you Jld... 
I'll take that over being thought of as







...sprinkling my fairy dust ....this forum really does have its amusing moments..


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Jld, I wanted to tell you what my Daughter said a little bit ago.. we were walking into the grocery store, and I asked if she enjoyed our visitors.. and she said "she was so nice.. she even asked permission to eat her own grapes!" (you did bring them, after all).... Oh that was cute.. then added.... "You don't see many people who are that polite"....I just laughed with her..."that was silly , wasn't it" [email protected]#


----------



## jld

Lol, blush. I guess since I had brought them to your house, I felt like they were yours. So I wouldn't want to just help myself! 

I felt so comfortable in your home, SA. I just felt so comfortable with your family. Your daughter was so sweet, and your boys so easy to be with, too. I just don't know many families like yours. I wish I did.

Okay, I feel like I am gushing again . . . Sorry, here goes! 

I think the way you and your husband are, just honest folks with a work ethic and good values, is the best of America. I think it is the way a lot of our grandparents were. Family came first. The couple was not looking around for others, nor chasing money with two feet. And because there were several kids in a family, everybody learned to share, and to appreciate what they had.

And it is such a shame that those values are dying out. They are what made our country strong. And people can call them old-fashioned, but they work. Why mess with what works?

I just loved your parenting style, and just your whole family lifestyle. And you have confidence in what you do. You believe in your project. I love that. 

My mom's mind is gone to dementia, but she would have really liked you, SA. I was thinking of that several times throughout our visit. She would have loved all the cute things you have in your house, the pretty dresses you wear, the kind and gentle ways of your husband, and she would have liked your children. 

I feel like I have to be careful what I say, because so many get so easily offended, but your kids just have a nice way about them. Here's that word again: unpretentious. . Not spoiled. I am sure their teachers love them!

Just folks, that is how I would describe your family. In all of the best ways.

Lol, I better stop now. I did not even dare post on CM's thread in General. If anyone has made too many posts praising a spouse, it's me, lol.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Ok.... I have to do a Post.. it's a Big DAY!! .. Our Silver...










25 yrs ago today...as I was walking up the aisle … he was walking towards me with a grin….he took my hand in his.. kissed it…and we walked back together…to take our vows to love, honor & cherish before family & friends..

A few thoughts on what has helped us stay "in tuned" with each other over these years.. very important to me ....


> Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~~ Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade ~~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day ~~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend.


A couple of those (the inhibitions & taking time to DATE/ getting off alone - I needed to grow in - but it's here in spades now!)

The last 5 yrs has been a re-discovering & awakening for what has always been -yet I wasn't fully tapped in, wasn't paying ENOUGH ATTENTION ..... I got hung up/ preoccupied ...but we've come full circle ....opening this all up, very vulnerably..... it's led us even closer ...enjoying making up for where we missed it .. it's been so good.... 

So much of our personal story/ journey was about the desire for FAMILY...









Jld did a thread *> *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/213257-do-you-ever-thank-your-husband-your-children.html ..this question was profound for me ...Looking back to our earlier years....my husband carried me at times... when I wasn't giving "enough" , so one tract minded / focused on conceiving.. he put his own needs down to be there for me in every way I needed emotionally... 

Some may feel that was "too Nice Guy" (I even did upon reading the book) but too, this could be he was just wholly devoted , holding me through my darker days... whatever the case may be.. I think I've tried to dissect it too much at times... he's never cared !..tells me I think TOO MUCH......even said he'd probably do it all the same...then I'd look at him, wanting to shake him, saying "What am I going to do with you !!".....

So here we are 25 yrs in... just so very thankful for not only him.. but our children on this day...all of it..... a couple more leaving the nest oh so soon...(it's all going too fast !)..

I made so much of our lives about *them* when they were small.....then I go hog WILD catering so much to *HIM* (in these past 5 yrs)...at times I just wanted to RUN from the kids !!...just give me DAD please! 

I think slowly.. but surely.. a healthy balance is emerging


----------



## meson

Happy 25th Anniversary!!!! I will comment on your post when I have time.


----------



## meson

Wow! Twenty five years have been fruitful for you. You have built a family and have retained the connection with your husband. From the photos you post it is clear that you will remain close to your children as well. 

You have hit on an important aspect of longevity. Continuing to date is a keystone to a long marriage. That one on one time is what helps to feed the friendship and the intimacy of one on one recharges the romance of marriage. Plus it’s just has plain fun dating. I think that another element in this respect is adventure. I’ve discovered that the mutual cooperation required in a joint venture to overcome a challenge helps sync the communication and mental symbiosis of a couple. 

I am interested in the never let the sun go down on your anger point. This is something that I’ve heard from others but not something that we could do. There are times when I just need to get sleep and consider the issue from a more detached point of view. I think going to bed sometimes helps with that if something can’t be resolved quickly. For us anyway it takes the edge off the anger. I suppose for some it can make it grow.

Your final statement about balance is fundamental. It can be only about the kids. It can’t be only about him. You need time for yourself to grow and bring new things to the marriage. I think that you do this via TAM. I think that a hobby (or some interests) and time for oneself is crucial. By improving oneself you then have the ability to inspire and contribute new things to your loved ones.

With your philosophy I think you may be posting about your 50th in another 25 years. Good luck and may you both grow old together!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> *You have hit on an important aspect of longevity. Continuing to date is a keystone to a long marriage. That one on one time is what helps to feed the friendship and the intimacy of one on one recharges the romance of marriage. Plus it’s just has plain fun dating. I think that another element in this respect is adventure. I’ve discovered that the mutual cooperation required in a joint venture to overcome a challenge helps sync the communication and mental symbiosis of a couple. *


 For the 1st time ever we celebrated an Anniversary get away on it's actual day .... woke up in this room... 








... 

Met a couple younger couples while we were there.. across the dinner table... I give them thumbs us...telling them they were smarter than we were....as we waited till we had all our kids to start taking little vacations like this....I just never thought about making it a priority back then... didn't want to bother anyone to babysit I guess ...now our older kids can watch the younger ones...



> *I am interested in the never let the sun go down on your anger point. This is something that I’ve heard from others but not something that we could do*.


 For someone like myself. it just means SO much.... my H doesn't mind me being THIS way... he has even said it is GOOD... 

For someone to shut me out/ shut me down...the unsettled feelings rise.....for some they defuse.. for others it escalates....that's just how I am wired...not so much with friends, it's different.. I'm not as close with others... but to whom I am married... I *need* to talk it out.. it is IN THE TALKING....this immediately has a CALMING EFFECT on me....

My H's perspective helps here...he's said a # of times he feels one of the biggest problems in marriage is one person is waiting for the other to "cave"... when angry they stop talking...they want to be right...and this gets in the way of coming together.....He doesn't need time to defuse...and I guess I don't either!...

Even if he has a "short word" with me.. so often later in the day, he will bring this up apologizing saying he shouldn't have acted like that, I didn't deserve it.....there have been times I even laughed at him.. but I thought it was so sweet.. as I didn't even think a THING of it !

He's ever sensitive to how he treats me.. and if I loose my temper in a moment (much more common by the way, I am the hot head)...I am also *quick* to express what is wrong with me....why I am off kilter...it helps I am very good at making up....asking what *he needs* from me.. all of it..

Otherwise... the truth is... I wouldn't be able to sleep.. I wear my heart on my sleeve too much... I'd probably have the look of the devil on my face if I even tried to act like nothing was wrong...it just wouldn't work....there were a few times we didn't resolve before we went to sleep..it was very hard on me...I was so miserable...and he'd say he was very distraught too... our demeanor's go to hell...

I really think feeling THIS way (because we are so close) is what brings us back together so quickly.... we know we're stuck with each other (I mean this in a good way) so it's silly to be at odds like that for any length of time.. He always tells me what a waste of time it is...

But that doesn't mean our emotions are always perfect, they get out of whack at times....and need pulled back in...



> * There are times when I just need to get sleep and consider the issue from a more detached point of view. I think going to bed sometimes helps with that if something can’t be resolved quickly. For us anyway it takes the edge off the anger. I suppose for some it can make it grow*.


 it's not that everything has to be solved.. but some emotional Reassurance that it's going to be "alright".. we love each other & we're tackling this together.. this is what I NEED.. 



> *Your final statement about balance is fundamental. It can be only about the kids. It can’t be only about him. You need time for yourself to grow and bring new things to the marriage. I think that you do this via TAM. I think that a hobby (or some interests) and time for oneself is crucial. By improving oneself you then have the ability to inspire and contribute new things to your loved ones*.


 You think I do this via TAM....it does bring some lively discussion..I'll say that !.... we've learned NEW things about ourselves along the way -just speaking of so many scenarios ...the "What IF's" of life... I have learned so much about OTHERS relationship dynamics ....while writing about our own...

Thank you Meson for always taking the time ...


----------



## meson

> For the 1st time ever we celebrated an Anniversary get away on it's actual day .... woke up in this room...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...
> 
> Met a couple younger couples while we were there.. across the dinner table... I give them thumbs us...telling them they were smarter than we were....as we waited till we had all our kids to start taking little vacations like this....I just never thought about making it a priority back then... didn't want to bother anyone to babysit I guess ...now our older kids can watch the younger ones...


I've seen pictures of that room before. A few of our relatives have enjoyed it. It looks super nice. When we were young as a couple we did vacations like that (not in the Poconos) and we still became disconnected. The problem was that the day to day routine and smaller problems started to erode the better feelings. Small resentments were building that led to at least one vacation to be more of a statement about how separated we were becoming. 





> For someone to shut me out/ shut me down...the unsettled feelings rise.....for some they defuse.. for others it escalates....that's just how I am wired...not so much with friends, it's different.. I'm not as close with others... but to whom I am married... I *need* to talk it out.. it is IN THE TALKING....this immediately has a CALMING EFFECT on me....


My wife is very different. Sometimes the continued talking where headway is not being made has the opposite effect on her. Being separate for awhile is what has a more calming effect on her.



> My H's perspective helps here...he's said a # of times he feels one of the biggest problems in marriage is one person is waiting for the other to "cave"... when angry they stop talking...*they want to be right...and this gets in the way of coming together.....*He doesn't need time to defuse...and I guess I don't either!...


:iagree:

It's not about being right or having someone capitulate. It IS about finding the mutual ground of understanding and finding a way forward.



> Even if he has a "short word" with me.. so often later in the day, he will bring this up apologizing saying he shouldn't have acted like that, I didn't deserve it.....there have been times I even laughed at him.. but I thought it was so sweet.. as I didn't even think a THING of it !
> 
> He's ever sensitive to how he treats me.. and if I loose my temper in a moment (much more common by the way, I am the hot head)...I am also *quick* to express what is wrong with me....why I am off kilter...it helps I am very good at making up....asking what *he needs* from me.. all of it..


The way I see this is that you as a couple have a way that resolves conflicts. A problem with quite a few marriages on TAM is that the disagreement is NEVER really resolved. The anger may diminish but the issue remains. This is why saying don't go to bed angry may not help some marriages where the couple doesn't know how to resolve the conflict.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

meson said:


> *I've seen pictures of that room before. A few of our relatives have enjoyed it. It looks super nice. When we were young as a couple we did vacations like that (not in the Poconos) and we still became disconnected. The problem was that the day to day routine and smaller problems started to erode the better feelings. Small resentments were building that led to at least one vacation to be more of a statement about how separated we were becoming. *


 I guess it's not WHERE you are - no matter how beautiful or even the atmosphere of any suite , but what you are feeling inside towards each other.. 

I asked him earlier if we ever fought on a vacation.. I couldn't think of a time but there was one, he reminded me...Yogi Bear Cabin ...kids asleep...memories hitting me .... I wanted him that night BADLY & he was tired.. I wasn't too happy, gave him some grief (this is why I understand frustrated men I guess)... I hardly slept... I remember getting on TAM...reeling......it was nearing the beginning of my posting here.....I was taking it TOO PERSONALLY I guess.. still trying to work that out.. 



> *My wife is very different. Sometimes the continued talking where headway is not being made has the opposite effect on her. Being separate for awhile is what has a more calming effect on her*.


 I was talking to an older lady friend a couple days ago... we hit on this subject of "not letting the sun go down on your anger" or "needing to get away to cool down"......I got an earful asking this...

She went on to say..."It's his way or No way"...and if something needs done, it should have been down yesterday.... how she CAN'T talk to him... and it burns her many times... I asked her how she deals with this.. she says she gives him the "silent treatment" ....but also after a time she cools down ... but she has to walk away.. because she knows its no use....she knows when his mind is SET....I felt really bad for her upon hearing this...you just wouldn't know by seeing them together...what goes on behind closed doors.. 

She says -that's just the way it IS.. her being more flexible obviously helps .... she can roll with it. but it's still hard on her, she was clear that communication was an issue in their marriage...

Even though I am more of the hard head / Hot head, one thing that helps is...I am BIG on hearing someone out.. the whole spill.. I even let my kids argue with me.. I WANT TO FULLY understand their side, HIS side...all of it... "challenge me" is my motto... sometimes I learn things ....and CAN be persuaded to change my mind....this helps *me* come half way ....remaining open like that.. 



> * It's not about being right or having someone capitulate. It IS about finding the mutual ground of understanding and finding a way forward.*


 Yes....finding a way forward... you have so much of a handle on these things NOW -in your marriage ... sure sounds it Meson! :smthumbup:



> *The way I see this is that you as a couple have a way that resolves conflicts. A problem with quite a few marriages on TAM is that the disagreement is NEVER really resolved. The anger may diminish but the issue remains. This is why saying don't go to bed angry may not help some marriages where the couple doesn't know how to resolve the conflict*.


You are very right on this .... when we resolve, it is washed in the ocean... there is no residue in our hearts.. we come back together in the highest degree...there is 99% of the time make up sex & an afterglow following.........does that mean we will never fight again on that particular subject... NO!... but it does mean we still deeply feel the Love & acceptance ...and can bear with each other, through the vulnerable difficult emotions put forth... still hoping for the BEST from each other....

These past 5 yrs working through our differences with the shift in libidos (mainly that 1st year)....what I would call my melt downs... I would journal our fights...what we learned from them, how we often laughed about it afterwards too....but each time I carried SOMETHING with me, some nugget of understanding...about myself, about HIM...it has helped me get past some things I was hung up on...and we grew together... this was ALL for the good. 

I think our communication is our best asset really...but again.. he has made this EASY for me. I have to bring it back to him once again.. I couldn't see the same with someone else.. like that husband up above I mentioned.. If I was married to him..I just couldn't do what his wife does .. ... I need more than that on the communication front... in it's own way.. this helps me understand why others are so distraught & frustrated, just imaging being in their shoes, I can't help but sympathize...


----------



## Mzflower

SimplyAmorous said:


> I guess it's not WHERE you are - no matter how beautiful or even the atmosphere of any suite , but what you are feeling inside towards each other..
> ..


So true SA. I could go anywhere/be anywhere with my honey. 
It just feels good being with him. 

Happy 25th! May the next 25 be filled with more love, joy, happiness, good health and the joy of watching the kids grow and start their own families. Xo.


----------



## CharlieParker

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok.... I have to do a Post.. it's a Big DAY!! .. Our Silver...


Big smile from me. Happy (belated) BIG BIG BIG anniversary!!! Do you feel grown up now, never mind I'm guessing the answer is NO.


----------



## meson

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was talking to an older lady friend a couple days ago... we hit on this subject of "not letting the sun go down on your anger" or "needing to get away to cool down"......I got an earful asking this...
> 
> She went on to say..."It's his way or No way"...and if something needs done, it should have been down yesterday.... how she CAN'T talk to him... and it burns her many times... I asked her how she deals with this.. she says she gives him the "silent treatment" ....but also after a time she cools down ... but she has to walk away.. because she knows its no use....she knows when his mind is SET....I felt really bad for her upon hearing this...you just wouldn't know by seeing them together...what goes on behind closed doors..
> 
> She says -that's just the way it IS.. her being more flexible obviously helps .... she can roll with it. but it's still hard on her, she was clear that communication was an issue in their marriage...


This is exactly why going to bed "not angry" doesn't work. This is a form of issue avoidance and its really going to bed with the issue behind you. I think your marriage incorporates the way to resolve and bury the conflict so that resentments don't build.




> Even though I am more of the hard head / Hot head, one thing that helps is...I am BIG on hearing someone out.. the whole spill.. I even let my kids argue with me.. I WANT TO FULLY understand their side, HIS side...all of it... "challenge me" is my motto... sometimes I learn things ....and CAN be persuaded to change my mind....this helps *me* come half way ....remaining open like that..
> 
> Yes....finding a way forward... you have so much of a handle on these things NOW -in your marriage ... sure sounds it Meson! :smthumbup:
> 
> You are very right on this .... when we resolve, it is washed in the ocean... there is no residue in our hearts.. we come back together in the highest degree...there is 99% of the time make up sex & an afterglow following.........does that mean we will never fight again on that particular subject... NO!... but it does mean we still deeply feel the Love & acceptance ...and can bear with each other, through the vulnerable difficult emotions put forth... still hoping for the BEST from each other....


This is the essence of forgiveness and moving on. In order to have a long standing good marriage I think that you need to have a good understanding of forgiveness. I 'have run across a few on TAM that claim to have forgiven but year later hold every moment against them again. They never moved on and don't know what forgiveness really means.


----------



## Caribbean Man

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok.... I have to do a Post.. it's a Big DAY!! .. Our Silver...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 25 yrs ago today...as I was walking up the aisle … he was walking towards me with a grin….he took my hand in his.. kissed it…and we walked back together…to take our vows to love, honor & cherish before family & friends..
> 
> A few thoughts on what has helped us stay "in tuned" with each other over these years.. very important to me ....
> 
> A couple of those (the inhibitions & taking time to DATE/ getting off alone - I needed to grow in - but it's here in spades now!)
> 
> The last 5 yrs has been a re-discovering & awakening for what has always been -yet I wasn't fully tapped in, wasn't paying ENOUGH ATTENTION ..... I got hung up/ preoccupied ...but we've come full circle ....opening this all up, very vulnerably..... it's led us even closer ...enjoying making up for where we missed it .. it's been so good....
> 
> So much of our personal story/ journey was about the desire for FAMILY...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Jld did a thread *> *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/213257-do-you-ever-thank-your-husband-your-children.html ..this question was profound for me ...Looking back to our earlier years....my husband carried me at times... when I wasn't giving "enough" , so one tract minded / focused on conceiving.. he put his own needs down to be there for me in every way I needed emotionally...
> 
> Some may feel that was "too Nice Guy" (I even did upon reading the book) but too, this could be he was just wholly devoted , holding me through my darker days... whatever the case may be.. I think I've tried to dissect it too much at times... he's never cared !..tells me I think TOO MUCH......even said he'd probably do it all the same...then I'd look at him, wanting to shake him, saying "What am I going to do with you !!".....
> 
> So here we are 25 yrs in... just so very thankful for not only him.. but our children on this day...all of it..... a couple more leaving the nest oh so soon...(it's all going too fast !)..
> 
> I made so much of our lives about *them* when they were small.....then I go hog WILD catering so much to *HIM* (in these past 5 yrs)...at times I just wanted to RUN from the kids !!...just give me DAD please!
> 
> I think slowly.. but surely.. a healthy balance is emerging



Wow SA,

An entire year has passed!

I'm sorry I missed the exact day but happy belated silver wedding anniversary to you and your husband!

Time flies,
And you both still look very happy.

Hope you keep this thread running and I wish both of you all the best in your relationship.

You guys don't even look old!

I guess that's the effect happiness can have on people.

You and your husband are a wonderful couple and kids make you all a happy big family.

Happy Anniversary again!


----------

