# Women Share What Keeps Their Marriages Strong



## Deejo

Save This Advice! 11 Women Share What Keeps Their Marriages Strong


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## jld

I think the most important thing is a husband who listens . . . really listens.


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## Deejo

I liked this one:

Lists aren't just for to-dos
"When we get married, many of us expect that since we love each other, our relationships will need little to no work. However, there are almost certainly times when we don't like each other. During our rough patch, my husband and I made lists of the things we loved about each other, like 'I love the way you parent our children,' or 'I love the way you look when you are sleeping.' They served as reminders of the good stuff--we chose to focus on the positive. I think it saved our marriage." - Kim Boerman, 46, Charleston, SC, married 22 years 

Still do this ... on a different level with my ex sometimes. We'll be watching the kids, obviously both proud, feeling love for them, I'll look over at her smile and just say, "Thank you, for those."


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## jld

Deejo, that is so sweet!


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## heartsbeating

Deejo said:


> I liked this one:
> 
> Lists aren't just for to-dos
> "When we get married, many of us expect that since we love each other, our relationships will need little to no work. However, there are almost certainly times when we don't like each other. During our rough patch, my husband and I made lists of the things we loved about each other, like 'I love the way you parent our children,' or 'I love the way you look when you are sleeping.' They served as reminders of the good stuff--we chose to focus on the positive. I think it saved our marriage." - Kim Boerman, 46, Charleston, SC, married 22 years
> 
> Still do this ... on a different level with my ex sometimes. We'll be watching the kids, obviously both proud, feeling love for them, I'll look over at her smile and just say, "Thank you, for those."


Naww... a testament to your character.


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## SimplyAmorous

> *jld said*: *I think the most important thing is a husband who listens . . . really listens*.


 This is very important Jld... if I felt my husband got tired of listening to me. or just wanted out of there.. it would bother me a great deal...

*The little things will always matter * when we do the little things on a regular basis, it shows we are thinking of them...this will always make us feel special...it causes appreciation to grow, and hopefully we want to give back.....









One of the little things I try to do for my husband, it's an odd one.. he never expects this.. but if/when he has trouble with his truck, I have gotten the details of his dilemma, go post it on a chevy forum and have gotten answers to help guide him to a FIX..at least pointing him in the right direction (while he is at work)....

*Making fun of your husband is a bad sign* If I tried to put my husband down to anyone we know, It'd probably make ME look bad.... so ha ha....this is one is out... not that I've wanted to....He's told me -even if we had a fight or something, he would never throw me under the bus to anyone... he lives this.. but really....it's cause of how he feels -not because he is trying to not make me or US look bad for appearances sake...he's always been able to show love -even in the midst of conflict. Something like this...












> *Talk money early and often *
> "So many marriages end because of financial disagreements or dishonesty. Keeping everything out in the open and sharing your financial hopes and goals will help you communicate about everything more effectively. Money--actually, the lack thereof--puts major stress on a marriage, and without a clear plan, it's easy for animosity and resentment to build up.










So agree on this.. there is enough stress coming at us from ALL directions.. to be on the same page on this one -can eliminate so much pressure... 

*Welcome each other home with a kiss* He's always done this.. and leaves with a kiss to...just puts a smile on our faces...









*Love can heal many wounds * the heartfelt communication in that example *is* the answer... sometimes we miss it.. say too much, we feel slighted.... they say for every hurtful word spoken, it takes another 2 or 3 to undo that ...and make it right... Words can bring us down ..but also we can turn it around...and build each other up in love. 











> *Lists aren't just for to-dos *
> "When we get married, many of us expect that since we love each other, our relationships will need little to no work. However, there are almost certainly times when we don't like each other. During our rough patch, my husband and I made lists of the things we loved about each other, like 'I love the way you parent our children,' or 'I love the way you look when you are sleeping.' They served as reminders of the good stuff--we chose to focus on the positive. I think it saved our marriage.


 My husband would suck with writing a list but he is very good at expressing how he feels and showing his appreciation ..even on a daily basis....even in conflict, we both can do this.. acknowledging the good... the positives... which ushers us back to our center....and in each others arms.

*Don't sweat (or smell) the small stuff * We all have some imperfections we have to wade through at times.. just like the above .... about focusing on the positives ..hopefully they mean well... not trying to purposely irritate us... even if they fail now & then...

*Be friends first and spouses second* This part of our relationship has meant more to me than almost any part...it's very important for my husband to be my best friend... I know he feels the same. Some feel that is counter productive to passion...but I could never relate to this thinking..

*Don't be afraid of a little PDA* We like it.. makes us feel young again, like we're 1st dating... he reaches for my hand.. we flirt a little, not overly but enough to keep it playful.. not like we're a washed up couple just cause we're been together for so many yrs. 



> *Being right is overrated*
> "Early on in my marriage, I refused to admit I was wrong. My husband and I argued over the silliest little things, like the best way to get to the store or the right way to load the dishwasher. But I realized that by always insisting that I was right, I was causing avoidable and pointless fights. Now I ask myself, Is this really worth it? And most times, it's not. Picking my battles has made my husband listen more, because he knows I don't disagree over everything. So let your husband do things his way sometimes. You're better off supporting his decision and, if it's wrong, learning from it.


 Husband feels this is one of the biggest problems in marriage...both wanting to be right / to get our own way.....then they go their separate ways and wait for the other to "CAVE"... it's better to come together... be humble ...listen...that being right isn't always what is most important...


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## jld

I'd like to write more on this later, SA, but just very quickly, I think your husband is right on. 

On a religious site, one man was saying that all problems in marriage come down to selfishness. I don't know if all is the correct word, but there is at least some truth to what he is saying, I think.


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## jld

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is very important Jld... if I felt my husband got tired of listening to me. or just wanted out of there.. it would bother me a great deal...
> 
> *The little things will always matter * when we do the little things on a regular basis, it shows we are thinking of them...this will always make us feel special...it causes appreciation to grow, and hopefully we want to give back.....
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> One of the little things I try to do for my husband, it's an odd one.. he never expects this.. but if/when he has trouble with his truck, I have gotten the details of his dilemma, go post it on a chevy forum and have gotten answers to help guide him to a FIX..at least pointing him in the right direction (while he is at work)....
> *That is really thoughtful! You are resourceful!*
> *Making fun of your husband is a bad sign* If I tried to put my husband down to anyone we know, It'd probably make ME look bad.... so ha ha....this is one is out... not that I've wanted to....He's told me -even if we had a fight or something, he would never throw me under the bus to anyone... he lives this.. but really....it's cause of how he feels -not because he is trying to not make me or US look bad for appearances sake...he's always been able to show love -even in the midst of conflict. Something like this...
> *Making fun of dh is not something I would think of either. I just respect him, and don't think there is much to make fun of.*
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> So agree on this.. there is enough stress coming at us from ALL directions.. to be on the same page on this one -can eliminate so much pressure...
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> *Welcome each other home with a kiss* He's always done this.. and leaves with a kiss to...just puts a smile on our faces...
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> *Love can heal many wounds * the heartfelt communication in that example *is* the answer... sometimes we miss it.. say too much, we feel slighted.... they say for every hurtful word spoken, it takes another 2 or 3 to undo that ...and make it right... Words can bring us down ..but also we can turn it around...and build each other up in love.
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> *So, so grateful that dh does not take things personally. I grew up in a family where everyone was basically on trial all the time, because everyone was so sensitive. So much more relaxing to be with dh.*
> My husband would suck with writing a list but he is very good at expressing how he feels and showing his appreciation ..even on a daily basis....even in conflict, we both can do this.. acknowledging the good... the positives... which ushers us back to our center....and in each others arms.
> *Appreciation is really important in a marriage. Everyone wants to feel respected for their contribution. No one wants to feel taken for granted.*
> *Don't sweat (or smell) the small stuff * We all have some imperfections we have to wade through at times.. just like the above .... about focusing on the positives ..hopefully they mean well... not trying to purposely irritate us... even if they fail now & then...
> *And this is where communication comes in, I think. We don't always realize when we irritate the other person. Instead of letting things build, it's so much easier just to get it out in the open.*
> *Be friends first and spouses second* This part of our relationship has meant more to me than almost any part...it's very important for my husband to be my best friend... I know he feels the same. Some feel that is counter productive to passion...but I could never relate to this thinking..
> *Yep. Total trust leads to even greater intimacy, I think. And it starts outside of the bedroom.*
> *Don't be afraid of a little PDA* We like it.. makes us feel young again, like we're 1st dating... he reaches for my hand.. we flirt a little, not overly but enough to keep it playful.. not like we're a washed up couple just cause we're been together for so many yrs.
> *Cute, SA!*
> Husband feels this is one of the biggest problems in marriage...both wanting to be right / to get our own way.....then they go their separate ways and wait for the other to "CAVE"... it's better to come together... be humble ...listen...that being right isn't always what is most important...


This is such an important point. Instead of fighting to be "right," it is so important to try to understand where the other person is coming from, and try to find a solution both people can feel good about.

It's good to have two strong personalities in a marriage, but there needs to be harmony, too. Clear communication seems to be key.

Great post, SA!


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## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> I'd like to write more on this later, SA, but just very quickly, I think your husband is right on.
> 
> *On a religious site, one man was saying that all problems in marriage come down to selfishness. I don't know if all if the correct word, but there is at least some truth to what he is saying, I think.*


Early on when I landed here, I noticed this one male poster...he thought he had the ANSWER to every single marital dilemma....very simple..>>> *QUIT BEING SELFISH*... some of the people he was directing this to....were already the more unselfish ones.. so for them to be less selfish could = doormat status.. 

He was also pushing scripture..to get this simple message across.. it rubbed me the wrong way enough to pm him and see WHY - he felt like this for every situation.. .going around telling everyone they are selfish ... here he admitted HE was selfish and when he found God and became more unselfish, it saved his marriage... well that's great.. but it doesn't mean it's the end all FIX for everyone.. 

I don't know.. I kinda look at this differently.. we are all selfish and want what we want, what "floats our boat" so to speak... on a variety of levels ....so long as our aim is to give back as much & love on a similar level - doing our part... (not narcissistic "gimme gimme gimme" behavior)...this is honorable.. we want this from our partners too. 

If too many of our emotional needs get shunned by the other...being swept under the rug again...and again.. and again... we are going to FEEL this...be sensitive to it...(and resentment will take wings)....basically it's going to affect our demeanor, our spirit...if not, something is amiss.. this person has become Numb.. not good.

So yeah.. sometimes one of us may need to loosen the selfish reigns..to allow the other happiness -for the moment, for the day...and go along with good cheer/ attitude is everything after all..... we do this out of love .. but it's still got to have that "give & take" going on both sides.


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## jld

It is good that he had that self awareness and ability to see his own shortcomings, and that you had the curiosity to probe further.

And that giving and taking is so true. And balancing our needs with those of the other . . . So important! Thanks, SA!


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## Anon Pink

I thought the "Be friends first and spouses second" was a very important one, particularly in my marriage. We have been through so very many trials and tribulations the one single thing we can always count on is the fact that we get along extremely well. We might be one of those rare couples who can do any sort of project together and not only not fight or struggle through a control or power issue but have fun doing it. 

I don't personally know any couple who can do that. We can do any sort of home project together and just perfectly mesh and be in tune with each other. It's pretty cool.


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## jld

Anon Pink said:


> I thought the "Be friends first and spouses second" was a very important one, particularly in my marriage. We have been through so very many trials and tribulations the one single thing we can always count on is the fact that we get along extremely well. We might be one of those rare couples who can do any sort of project together and not only not fight or struggle through a control or power issue but have fun doing it.
> 
> I don't personally know any couple who can do that. We can do any sort of home project together and just perfectly mesh and be in tune with each other. It's pretty cool.


That means you're with the right guy, AP!


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## Anon Pink

jld said:


> That means you're with the right guy, AP!


Yes, I believe he is...most days...


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## SimplyAmorous

> *Avon Pink said:* *We might be one of those rare couples who can do any sort of project together and not only not fight or struggle through a control or power issue but have fun doing it*.












I can relate ...not so sure about it always being FUN though... 

Being on the lower income side of the tracks while always trying to save a buck... for our future dreams.... we've done some crazy things together ....from building his 1st 4x4 chevy (bought it in pieces, hauled it home- he was so proud of that truck)... laying on the ground at the junk yard -me holding tools for him to get specific parts...

Cutting & hauling trees for firewood after installing a wood furnace... tearing down a small barn together...laying cement, leveling dirt ...building playhouses/ picnic tables...remodeling bathrooms... knocking block walls out for new windows ...digging drainage ditches...tearing off shingles side by side, posting 200 signs on our property, etc etc.. 

Looking back I can  we did all of this together, there was a sense of satisfaction in that...we always got along well....I probably cracked the whip a little ...but I had my tool belt on right beside him... 

We've gotten a little lazy in the past 5 yrs though...he uses a Mechanic now ...and we had a contractor come a few times for things we'd do ourselves back in the day....relaxing in mid life.


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## SurpriseMyself

Deejo said:


> Still do this ... on a different level with my ex sometimes. We'll be watching the kids, obviously both proud, feeling love for them, I'll look over at her smile and just say, "Thank you, for those."


Every father needs to do this for the mother of his children. It means SO MUCH! Glad you can do it. Wish my H would!


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## RoyR

Having a prenup has made my 2nd marriage work. We are equal, so we both have to want to leave, and we don't so it works.

Normal traditional marriage is so unfair and biased in favor of what the female wants, it devolves into virtual slavery for the guy. Prenups should be mandatory for living together, and marriage should be illegal, that would fix a whole host of societal problems.


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