# Husband-Female Coworker/Friend Help



## ATX28 (Mar 31, 2013)

My husband works with an attractive female who I have met a number of times. We've gone out together before as part of a group and I know her quite well. To be honest, I'm not her biggest fan - she's married but likes to flirt excessively with other, often younger, guys (she's in her 30s, they're usually in their early 20s). She'll even go so far as to lie about the fact that she's married when talking to these guys. Nothing ever happens (I know, I usually end up driving her home), but it bothers me that she behaves this way, even if it's not with my husband (then again, I'm always around at these group outings). However, a couple of weeks ago, we all went out and my husband ended up VERY drunk and texted her to make sure she got home. During this text conversation, he told her she looked good that night, then that she looked hot. Her response - "that's why your my work husband!" I found this text the next day as I was on his phone for another purpose - wasn't looking for it. We had an argument about it - well, I yelled, and he apologized profusely, telling me that he didn't even remember it he had been so drunk.

After coming across that message, though, I decided to look a little bit further at his texts and our phone records and I found that they had been texting on a daily basis for quite some time. Now, these messages are not inappropriate - in fact, the "you looked hot" was the worst thing said by far. Most of them focus on the gym, if they worked out that day, or some other small detail and are usually only one or two back and forth. However, knowing that she's the type of person she is (flirtatious), it's very difficult for me to accept even these texts. I've talked to him about it for the past few weeks and he admits the one text was inappropriate and knows why it hurts me. However, he won't stop texting her because he believes the rest aren't inappropriate and she's his closest friend and doesn't want to ruin that friendship (he has his own issues with insecurity and, to be honest, he does not have many close friends). While I don't want to cause him pain and cost him a friend, I also can't accept that that's more important than our marriage. Am I wrong for this? Am I reading too much into their friendship? To his credit, he has been very honest about the whole thing and shows me all the messages that are sent. I'm just not sure that I can accept his best friend being this person who obviously does not respect her own marriage and who he feels so strongly about (obviously, since he won't stop the texting).

I apologize for the somewhat rambling format of my post, but any advice or comments are appreciated!


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## Leveret (Mar 8, 2013)

You are his wife. No other woman should be spending time with him in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. He may have feelings for her and she for him, or perhaps she just strings him along because she's the type who likes attention. Sounds to me like he's having an emotional affair with this other woman.

You need to sit him down, explain to him fully you are not okay with this and want the texts to end. Men and Women Can&apos;t Be "Just Friends": Scientific American Articles like this stick out to me in situations like this. I really don't think men and women can just be friends and it's harder still when they are free to spend lots of unaccounted for time and conversation together.

I'd tell him it's her or me. But that's me.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

You should really take a look at the thread where we have been talking about OSFs (opposite sex friends) and you'll see your situation clearly, which is bad.

You need to end this "friendship" of theirs now. He's already refusing to let go of her and if their friendship was as innocent as he claims it shouldn't be that big of a deal to let it go. These seemingly innocent texts are what is called "bonding" over shared experiences (experiences, btw, that are non work related). Being drunk is absolutely no excuse because people will often say truthful things when alcohol is involved. I shudder to think what would have happened if you weren't there. If he doesn't want to lose a friendship I would suggest that you encourage him to have more guy friends. Invite people to your house. Don't even go on group dates with this woman. The fact that she is married makes no difference whatsoever as to their feelings for each other. Obviously something is lacking in her marriage for her to behave on this manner.

Now I am saying you need to end this now because it's dangerously close to an EA (emotional affair). Once it progresses that far it is but a hop skip and a jump to a (PA). Once you are into EA and PA territory your going to find yourself acting completely out of character, being paranoid, losing self confidence etc etc The things that you will find yourself having to do to keep your marriage in tact will be difficult. 

Take a good look at your marriage. Are you having any other problems? Work on fixing those so he won't be so attached to this other woman. Assert your rights in this marriage in as loving a way as possible. Do you have any OSFs? If so end them now. 

But, you'll say, shouldn't he be the one to give up the friendship? If he sees it's hurting me why doesn't he do it? In a fair world and a solid marriage yes. I don't think you are in this space yet.


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## ColemanBooks (Mar 20, 2013)

Wow, that is a handful. Why can't it just be easy, right? No B.S. in the relationship...don't we all wish. This is walking that very fine line between not telling him what to do as in letting him be his own person versus appropriately (yet preemptively) reacting to a situation that is staring you right in the face. He's going to keep using the "I haven't done anything wrong" phrase right up to the moment he does...especially if she is attractive...and there are after work activities going on. The only way this situation works is if he is very strong in your marriage and a very confident "good guy." Your insecure comment obliterates both of those. If he is as you describe, your clock is ticking. Be honest...work OK, texting...maybe, after work...no way. As a guy and an airline pilot that sees this all the time at work, I'm telling you this is going to end very badly. 
Good luck. Start chipping away at this now.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm kinda doubting you "stumbled" upon this text by mistake, but to me, how you came across their texts is irrelevant. You know how he is, you know how she is, and they attend the same gym, so he knows how her body is. To me, he's already crossed the line, drunk or not, and his refusal to distance himself from her is a HUGE Red Flag. 

If you don't end this, it will only intensify.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Allowing your spouse to have a close friend of the opposite sex is asking for trouble. Perhaps your husband is morally infallible and nothing could ever come of his "work wife". But I wouldn't bet on that. I bet your husband is fallible. I bet he makes mistakes. And this is just letting him play Russian roulette with your marriage.

I would tell your husband that he can have exactly one wife. Either it's his actual wife, or it's his work wife. He can be intimate with one of you.

Read this book for some good information about setting boundaries.
Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Good luck.


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## ATX28 (Mar 31, 2013)

Thank you for the responses - especially the recommendation to read Not Just Friends - I've already started to read it and hopefully can convince him to, too. We had another discussion this weekend about the whole thing, with him agreeing to not text her this week (it's our anniversary and we're going on a vacation) and he agreed to see a counselor with me to work on this so fingers are crossed that will help.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

He needs to decide whats more important to him.... This "friendship" or your marriage. If a friendship with her is more important to him than you are, then I'd say you're better off with someone else anyway. If it were me, I'd give my husband an ultimatum.

I understand he doesn't have a lot of close friends, if this is truly JUST a friendship between them, but when it gets to the point where its causing problems in the marriage, I don't blame you at all for wanting him to do something about it.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

ATX28 said:


> she looked hot. Her response - "that's why your my work husband!"


oops. 

Along with her mercenary recruitment of other guys, and lying to do it - if this isn't a giant red flag then I don't know what is.


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

ATX28 said:


> My husband works with an attractive female who I have met a number of times. We've gone out together before as part of a group and I know her quite well. To be honest, I'm not her biggest fan - she's married but likes to flirt excessively with other, often younger, guys (she's in her 30s, they're usually in their early 20s). She'll even go so far as to lie about the fact that she's married when talking to these guys. Nothing ever happens (I know, I usually end up driving her home), but it bothers me that she behaves this way, even if it's not with my husband (then again, I'm always around at these group outings). However, a couple of weeks ago, we all went out and my husband ended up VERY drunk and texted her to make sure she got home. During this text conversation, he told her she looked good that night, then that she looked hot. Her response - "that's why your my work husband!" I found this text the next day as I was on his phone for another purpose - wasn't looking for it. We had an argument about it - well, I yelled, and he apologized profusely, telling me that he didn't even remember it he had been so drunk.
> 
> After coming across that message, though, I decided to look a little bit further at his texts and our phone records and I found that they had been texting on a daily basis for quite some time. Now, these messages are not inappropriate - in fact, the "you looked hot" was the worst thing said by far. Most of them focus on the gym, if they worked out that day, or some other small detail and are usually only one or two back and forth. However, knowing that she's the type of person she is (flirtatious), it's very difficult for me to accept even these texts. I've talked to him about it for the past few weeks and he admits the one text was inappropriate and knows why it hurts me. However, he won't stop texting her because he believes the rest aren't inappropriate and she's his closest friend and doesn't want to ruin that friendship (he has his own issues with insecurity and, to be honest, he does not have many close friends). While I don't want to cause him pain and cost him a friend, I also can't accept that that's more important than our marriage. Am I wrong for this? Am I reading too much into their friendship? To his credit, he has been very honest about the whole thing and shows me all the messages that are sent. I'm just not sure that I can accept his best friend being this person who obviously does not respect her own marriage and who he feels so strongly about (obviously, since he won't stop the texting).
> 
> I apologize for the somewhat rambling format of my post, but any advice or comments are appreciated!


That would not fly here either direction. We believe when you are married, while it is fine to have cordial professional relationships with members of the opposite sex, being friends with the opposite sex is just asking for trouble and creating tension in your marriage that does not need to be there. The fact that he is putting his 'friendship' with this work skank above his marriage means it has already gone too far. Sorry you are going through this and hopefully you can work it out.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Mark your territory. I am sure your husband wouldn't like a coworker telling you your hot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Id also like to add that just as another poster has said, I had my doubts too when you said you came across this text by accident... I mean lets face it, women are nosey. I am one, so I definitely would know. It doesn't matter though. Even if you didn't come across this text by accident, nobody is going to place the blame on you. Hes the one who is being inappropriate here.

The way I look at it, if you don't want your spouse looking through your texts/emails/ etc... then you don't need to give them a reason to. Spouses should be able to openly look through each others phones without worrying that theyre going to get caught doing something that they dont need to be doing. If your spouse doesn't like for you to look through his phone or other personal belongings and then blames YOU for looking at them in the first place when you confront him with doing something wrong, all hes doing is just trying to place the blame on someone other than himself. If he ever does that to you, or ever HAS done that to you, just now that you are not the one that did anything wrong.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Kittykatz you kind of contridicted yourself. You said woman are nosey. Then they are going to look anyway?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think you may be over reacting just a tad. Certainly it's something to keep an eye on. I am not one who tows the party line here, about friends. Ive heard the term before, work husband work wife. It just means they have a friendship and, in the context or work, they look out for each other. If she wasn't attractive you wouldn't think twice about it. Besides, you said she likes to collect younger boys so your H is probably too old for her.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Kittykatz you kind of contridicted yourself. You said woman are nosey. Then they are going to look anyway?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, sometimes Im not good at wording things.. but yes most of us are probably going to look anyway... or at least I know I would... but Im just saying if the guy gives us a reason to be suspicious, then of course we are going to want to be nosey... even more than usual, in my opinion.

In other words, men should already know that women are going to be somewhat nosey.. its just nature, for most of us... but if you've given your wife suspicion to make her WANT to look through your things, then you definitely should not be surprised when she does it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

richie33 said:


> Mark your territory. I am sure your husband wouldn't like a coworker telling you your hot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I assume most men with decent eyesight think my wife is hot. My wife knows how to patrol her own boundaries and if a guy gets out of line, she'll set him straight.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I am in same boat. My wife is very attractive and she knows how to conduct herself. That said I don't think 
its appropriate for another man to text my wife telling her that he finds her hot. If he did I know my wife would nicks that real quick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ATX28 (Mar 31, 2013)

We do have an open phone policy - he can look at mine and I can look at his, which is why I was on his phone in the first place because someone had texted him their e-mail address and my husband wanted me to contact them. As I pulled it up, I saw her name and, being nosy!, went ahead and snooped. He's not upset with me for that at all - in fact, he's only upset that I've looked up phone records to see how often they text rather than ask him about what they talk about, which he says he'd be fine sharing with me. His openness about their friendship is what makes me think I _might_ be overreacting but, to me, my marriage is too important to put in jeopardy and I don't even want it started to head down the slippery slope toward an affair. He says he understands but also wants to keep his friend, which is why he agreed to see a counselor with me so hopefully that'll work out.


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## ColemanBooks (Mar 20, 2013)

You're not overreacting. Take a step back and then look at what you're telling us. "you're my work husband", "you look hot", etc. It might be in the smoldering stage, but you are not overreacting.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

No, you are right to be concerned. Do you text your work mates and tell them they're "hot?" If you did, how would he react?


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

ATX28 said:


> We do have an open phone policy - he can look at mine and I can look at his, which is why I was on his phone in the first place because someone had texted him their e-mail address and my husband wanted me to contact them. As I pulled it up, I saw her name and, being nosy!, went ahead and snooped. He's not upset with me for that at all - in fact, he's only upset that I've looked up phone records to see how often they text rather than ask him about what they talk about, which he says he'd be fine sharing with me. His openness about their friendship is what makes me think I _might_ be overreacting but, to me, my marriage is too important to put in jeopardy and I don't even want it started to head down the slippery slope toward an affair. He says he understands but also wants to keep his friend, which is why he agreed to see a counselor with me so hopefully that'll work out.


He _says _he understands but you guys are heading over therapy on this issue? Or are there other issues that you haven't told us about? His being open about the "friendship" doesn't mean very much because he doesn't think he is doing anything _wrong_. People having or entering EAs simply don't see it coming because it's something that grows organically. You are his wife and as such you have a right to set boundaries without having the guilt trip laid on you. Ask your husband if this friendship is worth the cost of trust in your marriage. Your trust and your peace of mind should be a million times more important than this woman. You don't need a counseler over this if your husband was in the right on this one. And for the record he hasn't been open with you about this friendship. Sure he wasn't _hiding_ it but he sure as heck didn't bring it to your attention either. He knew his drunk text to her was wrong but did he come to you and tell you he did something amazingly dumb? No. And you would have never known about it if you hadn't needed his phone..


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Leveret said:


> You are his wife. *No other woman should be spending time with him in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.* He may have feelings for her and she for him, or perhaps she just strings him along because she's the type who likes attention. Sounds to me like he's having an emotional affair with this other woman.
> 
> You need to sit him down, explain to him fully you are not okay with this and want the texts to end. Men and Women Can&apos;t Be "Just Friends": Scientific American Articles like this stick out to me in situations like this. I really don't think men and women can just be friends and it's harder still when they are free to spend lots of unaccounted for time and conversation together.
> 
> *I'd tell him it's her or me. But that's me.*


:iagree: 

Spot on!


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## ATX28 (Mar 31, 2013)

I want to go to the counselor because this whole situation has brought back my insecurity issues that I have struggled with for years. I want guidance on how to trust that this is just a friendship or, if it's not, how we as a couple can move past it (or not). I tried to give an ultimatum of "it's me or her" but I don't think he believed me and, what's worse and worsens that gut feeling that it's not just a friendship, is that I believe he'd choose the friendship over me.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

ATX28 said:


> *I want to go to the counselor because this whole situation has brought back my insecurity issues that I have struggled with for years.* I want guidance on how to trust that this is just a friendship or, if it's not, how we as a couple can move past it (or not). I tried to give an ultimatum of "it's me or her" but I don't think he believed me and, what's worse and worsens that gut feeling that it's not just a friendship, is that I believe he'd choose the friendship over me.


Is the bolded something that you think to yourself or something that _he_ brought up? I said this in another thread, and I repeat it here, inappropriate behaviour (his) can cause jealousy (yours) but rarely does jealousy (yours) cause inappropriate behaviour (his). 

If your husband can not live without this friendship it is not just friendship. If he worries about losing his only friend the the onus is on HIM to make firends that meet with your approval because you are his wife and he should value your opinion/feelings.

By all means go to counseling, but do not go in defeated befire you even walk through the door.


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## ATX28 (Mar 31, 2013)

Fledgling said:


> Is the bolded something that you think to yourself or something that _he_ brought up? I said this in another thread, and I repeat it here, inappropriate behaviour (his) can cause jealousy (yours) but rarely does jealousy (yours) cause inappropriate behaviour (his).
> 
> If your husband can not live without this friendship it is not just friendship. If he worries about losing his only friend the the onus is on HIM to make firends that meet with your approval because you are his wife and he should value your opinion/feelings.
> 
> By all means go to counseling, but do not go in defeated befire you even walk through the door.


Thanks! I brought it up, not him, since I know I can't deal with it either way. I refuse to be angry/upset every day thinking about it no matter if it's just a friendship or not. Only thing is, I'm not sure how to NOT be angry or upset every day thinking about it, which is the reason I want to go see a counselor. Good news is he hasn't texted her the past two days (yes, I checked the records - again, why I want to go to counseling!) - my fingers are crossed we can make it through the weekend!


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## ATX28 (Mar 31, 2013)

ATX28 said:


> Thanks! I brought it up, not him, since I know I can't deal with it either way. I refuse to be angry/upset every day thinking about it no matter if it's just a friendship or not. Only thing is, I'm not sure how to NOT be angry or upset every day thinking about it, which is the reason I want to go see a counselor. Good news is he hasn't texted her the past two days (yes, I checked the records - again, why I want to go to counseling!) - my fingers are crossed we can make it through the weekend!


Damn spoke too soon - texting again. Ugh, I just want to give up at times!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsPotter (Mar 7, 2013)

Hello Lovely;

Well first, I understand you 1000%. I literally just got my point across to my husband about his female friend three weeks ago. It was a tough battle, but it finally came to a stop.

Yes it is inappropriate to be texting, randomly, flowingling, etc. There is absolutely nothing needed to be spoken about with another woman. He needs to be texting you. She is wrong because she knows better. Making new "female" friends is way out of this world, where is that okay? She should not be texting him, she needs to be befriending you. I agree with you, if you are rambling, you need this friendship toned down to a minimum of "you two just talk about work" relationship. 

It seems as though some men do not understand until the other woman is naked in his lap (not all men or your leaving the relationship because of your lack of precedence within this decision. 

You are right woman, put your foot down and get this thing out of the way. The good thing is your husband is listening to you and not shooting you down (like mines) with, you are being too controlling, your jealous, etc. 

If it makes you feel better, it's important to put this to an end because relationships like this are very unnecessary, it causes friction and down right broken understanding. It is not something you will be able to turn over and end in one night, but have some patience with yourself, apply pressure and eventually you will vanquish. 

Hopefully, you do not have to take it to having the Pastor explain to you H why this is not a good thing. I did. And it felt great. LOL.

Be with peace and speak with Love.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

ATX28 said:


> Damn spoke too soon - texting again. Ugh, I just want to give up at times!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now you have specifically told him that the texting bothers you and he is still doing it. This is no longer about him having an inappropriate relationship. Now he is being deliberately disrespectful toward his wife. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not want to be reduced to snooping and that his behaviour unnacceptable. Therefore you want to remove the data plan from the phones and in coming text messages blocked. Does it sound harsh? Does it sound like you punishing yourself? You need to show him that you are serious. If he starts harping on your insecurities or telling you that you are being unreasonable or jealous you can say that know, he is the one who was being unreasonable by not separating himself from the other woman. Tell him that every time that he disrespects your marriage you will be forced act more forcefully.


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## MrsPotter (Mar 7, 2013)

ATX28; 

Look Love, at this point, you really need to put your point across and make him decide whether its his friendship or marriage. This is no fun. I know it sounds crazy, but this world he is attempting to live in has one too many friends, and like I put it to my husband, "A wife does not fit into this story line". Counseling is good, and keep it up, but you also have to be the director of your life. Evidently you two are not having huge fights over this, but enough is enough. 

Speak with Love always be in Peace.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

If any OSF makes your spouse/SO uncomfortable, and are not a friend of the marriage/relationship, they have no place in your lives and need to be dropped, no questions asked. 

This co-worker is not a friend of the marriage, and your husband should have no problem reducing his contact with her and keeping it work-related only. That is, if they truly are "just" coworkers/friends. Failing all other attempts, you may have to issue an ultimatum and follow through: Her or you.

I was in a similar situation...my boyfriend has a female coworker who he was close to. She was like your husband's coworker, married, but always flirting with other men and interns at work. Eventually, when she began demeaning me and intruding on our relationship, I demanded that their contact outside of work-related issues stop immediately. He followed through. There have been several times where she has attempted to contact him outside of work, and he almost "regressed", so to speak, but those times are increasingly lessening, especially as we keep talking to each other about it. 

Keep chipping away at it...don't be afraid to be persistent, as it will likely be a gradual process. Best of luck!


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