# How would you feel about this?



## thehardlife2 (Jun 17, 2014)

I have to ask if I am too sensitive or if this is abnormal.
My h and I are having major problems. He is trying to appease me...as he knows we are headed to divorce. 

It was my bday. He never does anything major for me. Ever. 
This year...I found out that he emailed my aunt (who never travels and lives across country) and asked her to come to surprise me for my BDAY. However, he knew I was already planning to go see HER during that time.
She called me and was really confused as to why he would do this. He then told me that my aunt is difficult and she should be better to me...and come to see ME. I blew it off.

Then, I found out that 4 days before my bday he TEXTED people in our city...former coworkers I haven't seen or talked to in FOUR years...and asked them to come over to our house for my bday. 

My son actually spilled the beans and told me that he was planning a party. He KNOWS I don't like parties or surprises like that...as I'm kind of shy. 

So I asked him about it and he proceeded to tell me that he didn't get a lot of responses and only TWO people agreed to come by... and then he said ..."you know your old friend ____ ...they didn't even respond...don't you think that's weird? What's up with that? What did you do to them?"

I was really hurt and I asked him to tell the TWO people who I barely know that I already had a conflict that he didn't know about and it would have to cancel. He agreed...

So for my birthday ...he and our son got me 2 pair of socks and a pair of sweat pants. He did book me a massage though...

I just feel so sad about that ...and emotionally beat up. 

How would you feel? Am I overreacting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

thehardlife2 said:


> He is trying to appease me...as he knows we are headed to divorce.
> 
> ...I found out that he emailed my aunt (who never travels and lives across country) and asked her to come to surprise me for my BDAY. However, he knew I was already planning to go see HER during that time.
> 
> ...


Frankly, how I feel makes not one bit of difference.

You are headed for divorce.

His idea of "appeasement" is to gaslight you by screwing with your aunt's head about a birthday visit and calling folks you haven't seen in years to invite them to a surprise b-day party. And you don't like surprise b-day celebrations.

What part of this has you confused?

He sounds like a major butt-wipe to me, but I'm only getting your side.

And your side? It says "victim" to me. Really.


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## thehardlife2 (Jun 17, 2014)

I get caught between feeling bad about not appreciating anything ... Vs 
Questioning whether he is playing head games. 




Prodigal said:


> Frankly, how I feel makes not one bit of difference.
> 
> You are headed for divorce.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Go get professional counseling to figure yourself out.

Him? You can't figure him out. Leave him to do that. 

But since you asked for an opinion, I will give you my blunt, straightforward, no-words-parsed opinion:

You are in a crappy marriage. You are headed for divorce.

Why are you allowing him to rent so much space in your head? Get your own thoughts, boundaries, and feelings in order.

That is all you can do. 

Get help. Seriously.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

details please. 
- Why are you headed for divorce?
- Do you want divorce?
- Does he want divorce?
- How old are you , how old is he?
- First marriage for both of you?
- Any infidelity? If so then who and when. How long?

In short, your question is loaded because we have to fill in too many blanks.


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## thehardlife2 (Jun 17, 2014)

Well it's complicated of course. I'm 39 and he's 43. The reasons? He is pretty negative. I'm bread winner and have been enabler. He has gotten by successfully in his own profession but not making much. But we got caught up in the chase for big houses etc. And debt. When I started to ask to downsize or something like that he would say things like "fine I'll just drive a scooter"! Then when I asked him to help me reduce my hours (I was working so much) he threatened to go work at Walgreens and sweeping floors. He is good at acting like a manipulator and I kept falling for it. 

He no longer willing to go to counseling. And now I'm bankrupt. And he wants to divorce so I can file for bankruptcy alone and then he wants to get back together. Just divorce to fool the government and protect one of our credit scores. I am just tired of these kinda of things. 

In terrified of divorce. But I am not in love with him. I care about him. My therapist says I'm co dependent. And I also want to cheat... Badly. Oh and we also don't have sex. 




Thundarr said:


> details please.
> - Why are you headed for divorce?
> - Do you want divorce?
> - Does he want divorce?
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Do you like playing the victim?

I am not trying to sound negative, but be honest with yourself. You don't need our advice about anything. You are in a marriage where you don't respect your husband and you aren't in love with him. Why are you staying? You don't want to be alone? So you will stay miserable.

Woman up! Do the right thing. Leave and don't look back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I thought you had a final divorce hearing recently. What happened?

You need to see a counselor and figure out why you are having such a hard time breaking off this this guy. He's using you and playing games with you.


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## thehardlife2 (Jun 17, 2014)

The therapist says that I have codependency issues. And I'm working on them... And yes the divorce 
Hearing got pushed back til the 20th... So I am still living under the same roof and working on the exit plan. 

I am very scared of my emotions for the day I tell him that the divorce is real. He isn't a terrible person... But it is true that I've lost respect for him. That is 100 percent accurate. 


EleGirl said:


> I thought you had a final divorce hearing recently. What happened?
> 
> You need to see a counselor and figure out why you are having such a hard time breaking off this this guy. He's using you and playing games with you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thehardlife2 said:


> The therapist says that I have codependency issues. And I'm working on them... And yes the divorce
> Hearing got pushed back til the 20th... So I am still living under the same roof and working on the exit plan.
> 
> I am very scared of my emotions for the day I tell him that the divorce is real. He isn't a terrible person... But it is true that I've lost respect for him. That is 100 percent accurate.


What a bummer that the court date got moved!!

One way to handle things is to not look too far forward. Just concentrate on working an exit plan day by day.

You don't have to tell him it's over until it's over (the divorce is final) so just stop thinking about that.

Have you made an exit plan.. what I mean is have you written one down and are your working it step by step.


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## thehardlife2 (Jun 17, 2014)

Well I talked about the exit in therapy today. Still struggling with it 
Much is my problem relates to the fact that I work non stop and my husband works from home and can see our son far more. 

I determined today that i actually would prefer leaving our son in our home. And allowing my husband to live there and I get the apt and visit the house daily. I just found that I want my own space. And keeping my son in his normal environment is most critical to me ...

I don't care about my house or lack there of. I just want him stable and feeling as normal as possible. So that's what I'm trying to decide. Should I just move? 


EleGirl said:


> What a bummer that the court date got moved!!
> 
> One way to handle things is to not look too far forward. Just concentrate on working an exit plan day by day.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thehardlife2 (Jun 17, 2014)

Does it sound crazy to want to leave our house ? I think I just feel as if my husband is always there.. Since he works from home and my son needs stability. 

I waver on the best case scenario of course. 




thehardlife2 said:


> Well I talked about the exit in therapy today. Still struggling with it
> Much is my problem relates to the fact that I work non stop and my husband works from home and can see our son far more.
> 
> I determined today that i actually would prefer leaving our son in our home. And allowing my husband to live there and I get the apt and visit the house daily. I just found that I want my own space. And keeping my son in his normal environment is most critical to me ...
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

thehardlife2 said:


> Well it's complicated of course. I'm 39 and he's 43. The reasons? He is pretty negative. I'm bread winner and have been enabler. He has gotten by successfully in his own profession but not making much. But we got caught up in the chase for big houses etc. And debt. When I started to ask to downsize or something like that he would say things like "fine I'll just drive a scooter"! Then when I asked him to help me reduce my hours (I was working so much) he threatened to go work at Walgreens and sweeping floors. He is good at acting like a manipulator and I kept falling for it.
> 
> He no longer willing to go to counseling. And now I'm bankrupt. And he wants to divorce so I can file for bankruptcy alone and then he wants to get back together. Just divorce to fool the government and protect one of our credit scores. I am just tired of these kinda of things.
> 
> ...



Co dependency would explain why you work so hard to stay in something that stinks like this. But you can change that.

So you work and he works but you make substantially more. That's not a problem but if he feels entitled the standard of living you guys have but he doesn't feel obligated to get that second job when you're stressing about needing help then that's a problem.

Why is the big house and debt all your problem though? Most debts and assets acquired during marriage are joint. If he's trying to get everything loaded onto your name in the divorce just so you can file bankruptcy then I think he's a crook.

Yes I do think you enable him to get what he wants with passive aggressive behavior. It's a 50/50 deal though so you can change your part of it. When he throws out the 'woe is me' night shift job, you should tell him that's a good idea. If he say's he'll ride a scooter, tell him that's cool. Explain to him that a scooter cost as much as an old beater car so he should ride that scooter to a night class in economics or business.

Don't cheat. Get out of this marriage before you get with someone else. And don't be a doormat assuming all of the debt. It sounds like you're passive and your husband is aggressive. He's used to getting his way and you're used to letting him get his way. Be a different person during the divorce. Don't let him rail-road you even after the relationship.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

thehardlife2 said:


> I determined today that i actually would prefer leaving our son in our home. And allowing my husband to live there and I get the apt and visit the house daily. I just found that I want my own space. And keeping my son in his normal environment is most critical to me ...
> 
> I don't care about my house or lack there of. I just want him stable and feeling as normal as possible. So that's what I'm trying to decide. Should I just move?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Isn't the house part of the debt your husband is trying to get in your name so you can file bankruptcy? How do you plan on explaining that you're divorced and you can't afford to pay for the home where you let you're EX stay? Something's very shady about this and creditors aren't stupid. Neither are judges when they look at bankruptcy cases.

You also said that you don't have sex anymore and you want to cheat. That's a motive to get out and have your space but there's no way to logically make sense of you moving out instead of your husband. Illogical reasons sure. You can feel free and single and not tied down by your son. But that's not reality.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, overreacting.

First you say he never does anything major for you. Then you got upset when he tried to do something.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, just read your second post.

Yes, overreacting.

Because if you are heading for divorce, why do you care about any of this at all? Just stick a fork in it and be done.


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## thehardlife2 (Jun 17, 2014)

We lease the house. So it won't be included in anything. I have to pay it for 7 more months. 

As for my desire to leave... My husband works from home. He's always there. I'm gone 14 hrs a day. So I just think it might be better for our son for me to live elsewhere. I can still come in the morning to take him to school and visit him every night at dinner. But I work from 11 am to 11 pm m thru fri. 






Thundarr said:


> Isn't the house part of the debt your husband is trying to get in your name so you can file bankruptcy? How do you plan on explaining that you're divorced and you can't afford to pay for the home where you let you're EX stay? Something's very shady about this and creditors aren't stupid. Neither are judges when they look at bankruptcy cases.
> 
> You also said that you don't have sex anymore and you want to cheat.  That's a motive to get out and have your space but there's no way to logically make sense of you moving out instead of your husband. Illogical reasons sure. You can feel free and single and not tied down by your son. But that's not reality.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thehardlife2 (Jun 17, 2014)

I have been working non stop and today he rolled his eyes that I had to leave the house already. I said I've got to go to work. I hate that I have to work so much, but what can I do?

He then started pushing me to line up meetings with investors on my side biz idea. I said why do "I" have to do everything? It's always on me. He said well they are your wealthy contacts. I said yeah bit I can't just say hey I've got an idea ... Please give me 500k. He got angry with me. He said you listen to all this motivational content and here you are with limiting beliefs and told me I was being passive aggressive. 

I'm at my breaking point. 




thehardlife2 said:


> We lease the house. So it won't be included in anything. I have to pay it for 7 more months.
> 
> As for my desire to leave... My husband works from home. He's always there. I'm gone 14 hrs a day. So I just think it might be better for our son for me to live elsewhere. I can still come in the morning to take him to school and visit him every night at dinner. But I work from 11 am to 11 pm m thru fri.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Hmm are you sure your desire to leave isn't based on the fact you want to cheat "badly"? Sounds like you have someone lined up already


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

don't get emotionally beat up over the birthday party. We all have lost friends over the years, and its hard to make new ones.

I would suggest the two of you try to improve your marriage by making new friends, or refinding old ones. Yes it takes work and effort. But the reward is having fresh people to talk with, explore with. you could start with meetup.com. they have locals who just want to meet to do stuff, all sorts of stuff.

Doing so might resurrect whatever seems lacking in your marriage too. In other words, marriage counseling by partying.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

thehardlife2 said:


> As for my desire to leave... My husband works from home. He's always there.


Assuming he only needs a computer, phone, and his files, why not get him out of the house. After all, it sounds like you pay the rent anyway.




thehardlife2 said:


> I'm gone 14 hrs a day. So I just think it might be better for our son for me to live elsewhere. I can still come in the morning to take him to school and visit him every night at dinner. But I work from 11 am to 11 pm m thru fri.


Does everyone else in your company put in 12-plus hour days? Is it necessary? Will you be demoted or terminated if you cut back your hours in order to have a better work-life balance?

Ever consider cutting back your hours to be more reasonable?

Kick your worthless a$$ of a husband out and keep the house?

Be a mom to your child?

Stop being a workaholic?

Try to understand that as a codependent, you are playing the role of perpetual victim?

Your solutions to your problems aren't particularly rational, nor are they based on a firm foundation of moving forward in a manner that serves the best interests of all.

I don't think packing your life full of transvestites is a particularly viable option. Why don't you consider being a mom to your son before you decide to take up frolicking about with trannies?


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