# NEED ADVICE: Husband Not "In" to Me



## Foolish Girl (May 2, 2012)

I’d really value objective feedback on my situation, as I have been seriously considering divorce for a year now. 
STATE OF THE UNION: 
Married 13 years, and I’m 5 ½ years older than him. When we met, he worked in retail management & I was 5 years into a nice job in a good company. He helped me pay off college loans when we got engaged & I supported him so he could finish college. After graduation he decided to go into law enforcement instead of using his degree. We’ve stayed here for his job because of the supposed long-term benefits (which are constantly renegotiated / reduced by the city); however, job opportunities for me here are almost zero & it’s has been a constant struggle to stay employed with my company. I've had a series of increasingly challenging jobs, even having to drive 110 miles per day in wicked traffic for three years in a high-stress job where I was working 60+ hours per week. During this time we started sleeping in separate rooms because I would have to get up at 4:00 AM to get to work by 6:00 AM. My professional struggles took their toll on me physically & mentally. I gained 40 pounds , was going through menopause, had anger management issues (screaming & cursing a lot). As a result, my relationship with my kids (7&11) & spouse suffered a lot. During fights I routinely told my husband to file for divorce & find someone better. I’ve always been the primary caregiver & breadwinner (make 2 times hubby salary) & handle 99% of all routine household duties (laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, homework, baths, shopping, school & extracurricular activities, etc). By comparison, he works full-time, pays bills (he insists on controlling the finances), fixes things, maintains the pool, takes kids to school & handles roughly 40% of kid doctor visits. We pay someone to maintain our lawn b/c it is too much for him to handle.
TURNING POINT: One year ago my husband sat me down to tell me he was “happy” to have me gone during my last 2 week business trip. A big fight ensued and he was acting secretive and weird. I overheard him having several late night conversations on his cell with a “friend”…complaining about me. When I confronted him, he blamed himself for waiting 13 years to drop the bomb & said that as much as he would like to get a divorce so we could move on with our lives, there also a part of him that would hate to lose me. He said that although he still loved me & wanted things to work out, he wasn’t hopeful we’d be able to because my character has been consistently resentful & angry. I asked him if he’d go to marriage counseling & he agreed. I arranged counseling sessions (he showed up occasionally) & eventually it was revealed he’d been having an “emotional” affair with his best friend’s ex-wife. He was so ANGRY / NASTY with me & I was distraught from the realization that: 1) he cheated 2) my kids would be hurt if we split 3) I’d still be stuck living in an area with no job prospects if I wanted to maintain routine contact with my kids 4) I’d be financially stripped of at least half of everything (most of which I earned & went through hell to maintain). In the course of our marriage he’s called me every curse word in the book and said truly hurtful things that I’d never say to him. My family and friends are concerned by the disrespectful way he’s always treated me & that my children will think it’s the way to treat others. The stress of our marriage problems took its toll on me(lost 40 pounds in two months), and I went on meds to manage my depression. He ended the affair, his demeanor improved & our fighting has reduced greatly, but I feel it’s mostly a result of all the changes I’ve made. I don’t get the sense he has any affection, warmth or unforced consideration for me…he is far different than the man I married! The upside is I’ve established a much better relationship with my kids, learned to argue more constructively / cope better with my spouse, & I’ve learned to maintain my weight loss with better eating habits. The downside is my husband is still disrespectful, cold, inconsiderate. He doesn’t show interest in me, & I feel like I’m the only one in our relationship who’s concerned with my welfare & future….in the end, I will only have myself to rely on.
CLOSING QUESTION: I feel abused and bitter because he is a controlling, greedy, lazy, inconsiderate & narcissistic user. That having been said, my options are: 1) DIVORCE - joint custody will be awarded unless he can be proven unfit in court. I will be required to pay child support until kids are 18 & possible alimony, just so he can be kept in the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed but never earned or deserved or 2) SUCK IT UP until kids are 18, then figure out if I want to be stuck with him for the rest of my life. Financial impact of a divorce will be devastating, so I need to decide if it’s better to stick with the devil I know than the one I don't. What would you do???


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Foolish,

Seems to me there is enough blame to go around here:

"had anger management issues (screaming & cursing a lot). As a result, my relationship with my kids (7&11) & spouse suffered a lot. During fights I routinely told my husband to file for divorce & find someone better"

While this in no way excuses his actions or his EA, you need to recognize that you played a role (and a significant one) in the problems of the marriage.


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

i agree with Toffer, maybe you already had your doubt towards him and his affair is more of an excuse to say he has fault also,,,i think those small things like helping around the house and the kids etc. etc. can be talked through and find a solution, to spike the love there are many things you could do and him to, but you need to sit down and talk, there is no other option...be very honest and clear to him =) good luck =)


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## Foolish Girl (May 2, 2012)

Thanks for your feedback Toffer. I totally agree that a lot of the blame belongs squarely on my shoulders, & I have changed my ways considerably as a result of this realization...that is a benefit of going through all this craziness that I will take with me for the rest of my life. My relationship has never been better with my kids, & they have been doing wonderfully in school this year as a result of our positive & constructive interaction...a silver lining in this otherwise dark cloud. Still don't know whether to push through & stick with my marriage, as I was the one who did all the changing...he has not changed his ways other than stopping the emotional affair. Thanks again for your feedback...very much appreciated!


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