# Lying wife and suspicious behavior...



## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

I posted this in GRD, but got directed here by a couple of members. 

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. About 5 years ago she started acting out of character, and after a few weeks I was begging her to tell me what was wrong, but I could not get anything out of her. Because it was tearing me apart, I checked her computer and found a message to a friend of hers telling her that she had found this other guy and was gonna leave me, but didn't know how to tell me. I was stunned. She hadn't even given me a chance to fix things? After some major heartache, stress, and a bit of marriage counseling, we worked things out. My trust was shattered, but I was willing to rebuild it, and things seemed to be moving in a positive direction.

She says she was never intimate with the guy, and I tend to believe her. She met this guy at our job. We work at the same place but its a pretty big area and we do not work in the same department. We rode together to and from work, and on our days off, she did not really go out much on her own. 

A few months ago my wife started working on a project that she signed up for outside her regular job. For over a month, it occupied all her free time. During that time she broke a lot of promises to me and did not treat me well. Also, she was going out with her "project friends" a lot and when she was at home, she was on the computer or phone with them. 

I was getting some very bad vibes again, and I think this was compounded by the previous "affair". I (and I am ashamed by this) looked through her email. I found a message to one of her project friends (this was in the "trash" folder, like she had deleted it right after she sent it) and she was kinda pouring our her hopes and dreams to him (none of which included me). She told him how much she missed him and she ended it with "Love ya". She had only known this guy for about a month. 

I confronted her about it and she claimed she tells all her friends "love ya" and that there was nothing there. I still felt weird about it because she doesn't tell her friends she loves them like that, but I really didn't want to start a bunch of stuff so I basically told her that from this point forward, lets be open and honest, she agreed and said she had nothing to hide, and that I could check her email anytime, so I could build up trust again. 

Two weeks later, I found a message that she forgot to delete from this same guy. It was a reply from a email that she did send, which she had deleted so there was no evidence of. This was all after our talk. There was nothing in the email that was alarming in its content, however, I wondered why she was hiding it? I asked her if she remember what the most important thing was for me and our marriage. She immediately said, "To be open, honest, and not hide things." I next asked her she had been talking to this guy and trying to hide it. I could see her thinking.. finally she looked me in the eyes and said, "No, I haven't been contacting him".

I was upset because she lied to me, and she had been hiding stuff. I feel as if her relationship with this guy (whatever it may be) was worth more to her than her marriage was. I still don't understand. She says she knew it would hurt me to see it, so thats why she deleted it. I wouldn't be upset at all if she had kept the messages there and not tried to be sneaky. Now I'm constantly wondering what the hell shes been lying to me about. Did she feed me lies about all that happened 5 years ago? What has happened since then? She wants to work things out she says, but I am really struggling. I kinda feel that this is gonna happen again, and that, though I love her and want to be married to her, that its just a matter of time until she meets some guy and takes off. I hate feeling like this. I just want to be normal again. 

It feels better to type this, because my wife has always been my best friend, and I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Any advice or encouragement would be great. Thank you for taking the time to read. 

A little more background on the two of us. We have no kids together, but I have one son from a previous relationship. She cannot have children, and found this out a couple years ago and it really hit her hard. My wife is not a malicious person, but she can be VERY self absorbed and tends to get in trouble with things because she does things on impulse without thinking about how it hurts other people close to her.


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## heaven1 (Sep 27, 2012)

Oh poop! From reading other users posts and my own experience on both sides of this fence I can tell you with some certainty that she is in the dreaded fog! She knows she is lying, its illogical that the EA or PA is more important than the marriage but still it goes on. She will fight tooth and nail to defend it and to protect it and you have to expose it for the Worthless Garbage that it really is!

Before that you need to determine how much you are willing to fight because it will be a big one... It always is. There is no point starting it if you can't finish it!


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

1. Get a VAR and hide it in her car.
2. Go after her text messages on her phone
3. Check her phone records for calls to his phone.
4. If you can get a PI to follow up on her.

That is a start


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Start here 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Take your time, read this ^. it will help you when other posters start responding, the abbreviations, cheaters script, real remorse, the trickle truth (thats what she's giving you) etc etc.

Also read "Not Just Friends" 

She has lied to you after she agreed to be honest with you, she was not trying to protect you from hurt , she was and is protecting her self, she lied and no consequences, Boundaries it's all about boundaries, what are yours?

You can get thru this, but you have to be strong, even when you think you cant, YOU CAN!, it's not the end of the world, really it's not.. even though it feels that way.

I know this will be hard to believe but you have to be prepared to let your marriage go, in order to save it.....

If you do nothing else, do not cry, plead or beg her , it will make you look weak and drive her further away, (think about it)
you can not nice her out of this!!!! no way no how.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Dude, if you can't value yourself how can you want others to value you ?
I'm sorry but your wife now is like this chick you can bang sometimes that wait for a better alternative. I hope I am wrong, but that's the impression I got.
She has some kind of advantages being with you, but being your woman isn't one of them. She's speaking to another guy behind your back and you still are wondering what's going on ?
Be firmer. Believe in your worth and yourself. 
Talking to another man while being married to you must be out of the question. What's the matter with you ?
There's no possible acceptable reason for her to have confidential contact with another man while being your wife. No way. 

Either she respects you as her husband or she can f*** off and search for other guys and happiness and her true self and her independance and whatever f***** up behavioral portamento.

Only if you see yourself as worthy of respect, she'll give it to you.


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Dude, if you can't value yourself how can you want others to value you ?


I get what you are saying here. When this first happened, I was pathetic. I was begging and crying for her not to leave me. After she looked me in the eyes and flat out lied to me, something changed. I knew that I could leave, and that she made the decision with her actions, I did all I could, and that I deserve someone who treats me with love and respect. She saw the change too. All of a sudden, it's her doing the begging. My torture is how many chances does she get? I truly think she is working hard on making amends. She invites me everywhere when she leaves the house, and when she is out by herself, she is checking in often, asking how I'm doing, and really seems conscious of my hurt. I KNOW I can overcome my trust issues if she quits all the dishonesty and acts like a married person should. My big issue is I think the odds of that actually happening are not that great. I'm torn between wanting to start the healing process without her, and wanting to give it one last real shot, with the good chance that maybe 5 years later, it will all happen again :/


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## heaven1 (Sep 27, 2012)

I would stop processing the visa and start a file that has the proof of everything she has done. I am on the fence about whether you should immediately tell her family or not. The only reason is that if you damage her relationship with them then it could be seen as cruel and vengeful. That said you don't have to tolerate continued contact with this person or any other and if she does do it again knowing the consequences then it is her problem! Also the guy should be told what consequences he will face if you find out that he has spoken to her again. Does he still work in your business?? If so fire him immediately!


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

He no longer works there and she no longer contacts him. That was 5 years ago, and I thought we were mending well until the latest breakdown. When all that went down with the guy at work, her parents found out and really tore into her. Mine also found out and it really made it hard on her to build up all that trust with everyone. This time I'm scared to talk to any family because I don't want to make the healing process harder I decide to give it another shot.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the core issue is the single guys are not appropriate buddies for a married woman. Why? because the single guy is looking to hook up - it's what they do. 

And please do not dismiss this comment as rambling and paranoid. 

What I'm getting at is that single guys, even married ones looking for a hook up DO NOT put time and energy outside work sending emails and chatting with women except if they are interested and are checking out the waters. It's one thing to ask a question or two about something, but if they are chit chatting or talking relationship stuff - then it's cross a boundary.

And the way she signed her email is out of line for a note to a coworker. You don't Love coworkers. It's unprofessional, and saying it only serves to undermine her place on the team, and to signal she is open for offers.

So you do need to be aggressively watching her. Do you have a keylogger that can catch her using an alternate secret email account?


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

I do not have a keylogger on her laptop, but I suppose it couldn't hurt. There is no way of me monitoring her behavior at work, however, but I guess it doesn't matter... she has slipped up before, I'm sure, if there is anything going on, she'll slip up again.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

hurtandmiserable said:


> I do not have a keylogger on her laptop, but I suppose it couldn't hurt. There is no way of me monitoring her behavior at work, however, but I guess it doesn't matter... she has slipped up before, I'm sure, if there is anything going on, she'll slip up again.





since she knows your onto her again? she will just get better at hiding things, taking it underground, making it to harder find and expose/confront.

Do not bury your head in the sand,(like a idiot I did this for months) this will not go away on its own.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Dude, if you can't value yourself how can you want others to value you ?
> I'm sorry but your wife now is like this chick you can bang sometimes that wait for a better alternative. I hope I am wrong, but that's the impression I got.
> She has some kind of advantages being with you, but being your woman isn't one of them. She's speaking to another guy behind your back and you still are wondering what's going on ?
> Be firmer. Believe in your worth and yourself.
> ...


Agreed. 

Also, if she's saying "love ya'", she shouldn't be, unless it is a mutual friend and she says it in front of you, not in a secret email.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Does she use an internet based e-mail account or through a local ISP (Internet Service Provider - typically a cable or phone company)? If it is the latter, there are two ways you could retrieve her deleted received e-mails, going back for years. 

1- If you don't have her e-mail password, demand it. Then set up that e-mail account on your own computer. The server will then download her received e-mails - even previously deleted ones.

2- There is e-mail recovery software that will recover deleted e-mails off her hard drive. The software works particularly well with Outlook or Microsoft based e-mail programs. Get it and use it on her computer.

I would advise using both of the methods. That's how I caught my wife.

Good luck.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Go with your gut I would bet your are on the money with it. You need to install a keylogger, var and look at FB and her emails and do it soon

Once they have cheated once it is easy for them to do it again.


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

We have an email through our ISP, but we do it online and not through a program such as outlook. I have access to her password, but not sure how to recover deleted emails.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Ket the keylogger on the system. That along with the VAR in the car will be your best bet


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

hurtandmiserable said:


> We have an email through our ISP, but we do it online and not through a program such as outlook. I have access to her password, but not sure how to recover deleted emails.


I would try using an e-mail program like Outlook on your computer. Enter her e-mail account settings and password just as if you were setting up a new e-mail account. The e-mail server should download her received e-mails, even if they were deleted. It's certainly worth a shot IMHO.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I am forever surprised at the lengths people will go to to tell themselves that their spouses couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't do what their lying eyes are telling them they're doing. Fear is a huge motivator & it's terrifying to think of life without your mate. So people go into stealth and strategy mode to find out information that will help them to the truth. This is usually a truth that they already know, but are too afraid to believe.

I think the truth is that your wife, in a different incarnation, would care whether you are hurting or not. I think she is completely selfish now, though, and is not directing any of her humanity your way. Where you are concerned, the shutters have come down.

I think you should gather your evidence, tell her directly what you know, accept that she's not the person you'd hoped she was, and take care of yourself. Be as selfish as she is because you need to be confident enough to know that you have a life ahead of you that is all yours. She doesn't get to grant you happiness by giving you her favors.

Ironically, if you act like you're moving on confidently, she will be interested again. Then what do you do?


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I am forever surprised at the lengths people will go to to tell themselves that their spouses couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't do what their lying eyes are telling them they're doing. Fear is a huge motivator & it's terrifying to think of life without your mate. So people go into stealth and strategy mode to find out information that will help them to the truth. This is usually a truth that they already know, but are too afraid to believe.


Yes, I've went through this in my mind 1000 times. If this were happening to someone else, it would be obvious me, but the emotional and physical attachment to her clouds everything. I know that if I knew the whole truth, theres a great chance I'd be so disgusted that I'd run out and never look back. However, I have been pretty frank with her recently and she does seem sincere. I now know I have a limit, and thats a good thing. She knows that it is 100% over if I find ANY kind of behavior that I (not her) consider inappropriate. I am in control now, and that makes me feel better. I will give it one last shot, because I really do love her with all my heart, but I will not continue as a doormat. The posts here have helped much on my perspective and confidence.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Sounds like your wife is about to "upgrade" and replace you, so why don't you upgrade yourself and decide whether you want to keep her for YOURSELF without sharing. She's living in a fantasy candy land, she will not realize this unless she wakes up from her dream world, she needs a reality check. This coworker does not want her, he'll throw her where the trash belongs if she leaves you for him. Remember once you become better at respecting yourself and knowing that you deserve better you will realize that after this fact you deserve even MORE.

Might I suggest an always good solid investment. Invest a little more time on yourself, advance your career, your health, manage your stress by having a super healthy diet loaded with vitamins & minerals, exercise (super sets). What most people do not realize is that they are burnt out, physically & mentally and it takes months to years to stabilize, but the healthier you are the better you can cope and manage stress and have a clear mind for better, reliable discernment and judgement for any situation.

Have a conversation and allow NO ROOM for gas lighting, mushroom treatment, minimizing. This is real, and it is real bad, and she needs to realize that you WILL not tolerate any *INAPPROPRIATE *AND *UNNECESSARY *contact with *ANY *coworker. 
She should be dedicated to you as you are to her. 
She should only be open to you because you are her husband. She cannot speak her mind to any man (besides her brothers and fathers) except for you. 
She can only complain about you to...YOU.

After you set the boundaries, you expect her to set her boundaries at work. Focus on yourself, think before you speak, always reflect on your actions at the end of the day, "did I act in a proper way today, in any situation did I act a certain way that I should not have, how should I have acted?"

Keep verifying that she keeps a "no contact" after she hand writes a letter informing her co worker that all *inappropriate *and *unnecessary *contact be put to a halt. She will more than likely take it underground but that is where you get smarter and include VARs and key loggers. If she relapses there are some steps for that as well as all cheaters follow a script so do you have a set of options to follow through.

All the while focus on yourself and do not be sweet, do not be loving, do not try to nice these cheaters back, it only makes it worse. She cheats and you cheat her nicer, well if that happened to anyone I think they would cheat more and more explicitly so they're retarded BS (betrayed spouse) can be NICER and less demanding. 

Read her actions because actions speak louder than words.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

hurtandmiserable said:


> > Yes, I've went through this in my mind 1000 times. If this were happening to someone else, it would be obvious me, but the emotional and physical attachment to her clouds everything. I know that if I knew the whole truth, theres a great chance I'd be so disgusted that I'd run out and never look back. However, I have been pretty frank with her recently and she does seem sincere. I now know I have a limit, and thats a good thing. *She knows* that it is 100% over if I find ANY kind of behavior that I (not her) consider inappropriate.
> 
> 
> The more she knows, the more she will retain the truth of that inappropriate behavior.
> ...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Sounds like your wife is about to "upgrade" and replace you, so why don't you upgrade yourself and decide whether you want to keep her for YOURSELF without sharing. She's living in a fantasy candy land, she will not realize this unless she wakes up from her dream world, she needs a reality check. This coworker does not want her, he'll throw her where the trash belongs if she leaves you for him. Remember once you become better at respecting yourself and knowing that you deserve better you will realize that after this fact you deserve even MORE.
> 
> Might I suggest an always good solid investment. Invest a little more time on yourself, advance your career, your health, manage your stress by having a super healthy diet loaded with vitamins & minerals, exercise (super sets). What most people do not realize is that they are burnt out, physically & mentally and it takes months to years to stabilize, but the healthier you are the better you can cope and manage stress and have a clear mind for better, reliable discernment and judgement for any situation.
> 
> ...


I think this is an excellent post on many levels. You clearly want to work toward saving your marriage, but it wouldn't be advisable at all to keep the status quo going forward. Definitely work on yourself, on your own self-image, on your own happiness. Diet and exercise cannot be overrated, imo (when I completely cut out alcohol in my life, my thought processes changed materially - it all makes a difference).


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

I agree. I can want to work on it all I want, but if she doesn't immediately stop all the hurtful things, it is over. I deserve better than that. I have already been working on the things that CleanJerkSnatch has suggested as far as getting myself in order. I've been eating healthier, being more active, working on advancing my career. I need to be the best me I can be. For me. Not for anyone else. When I say that I feel in control now, it means I've accepted that she will do whatever she will do, and I can end it. I have that power. And I will do it if/when it comes to that.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Definitely get the keylogger. And spyware on her phone. If she has a smart phone, be careful though, you have to make sure the settings are such that it doesn't completely drain the battery and data usage. It will if not set right. And VAR the car. All these things on place should catch her if she is continuing to do wrong.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I think this is an excellent post on many levels. You clearly want to work toward saving your marriage, but it wouldn't be advisable at all to keep the status quo going forward. Definitely work on yourself, on your own self-image, on your own happiness. Diet and exercise cannot be overrated, imo (when I completely cut out alcohol in my life, my thought processes changed materially - it all makes a difference).


I did the same, I quit drinking, I was never drunk or anything but it affects our ability to cope at work, at home, at school and it gives us a healthier body leading to a healthier mind. I started 'creep drinking', I guess I just made that term up to describe how I drank more and more, and more, at such a little amount over a long time failing to notice that my tolerance built up so high that I realized how difficult it was to actually feel a buzz when I actually tried to get drunk.

I have always been healthy but just because I was healthy I felt it was fine to drink frequent amounts of poison placing them into my body and affecting the balance of my body in the gut (pro biotics to start with) so I gave it up for the sake of my health and my olympic lifting and have been fabulous ever after (really)...Eating healthy really has an affect, if you even look up how bad cortisol can affect your body, and how burning out has a bad affect on our minds it takes a long time to recover. The bad thing is we do not "STRESS" health in this country enough. Our diets are so horrible, even the healthy ones are not good enough because there are just way too many poisonous elements in our food (pesticide, chemical fertilizers etc), our water (fluorine, chlorine, lead etc), our air (exhaust, cleaning agents, chemicals etc) that we are constantly bombarding our bodies with poison. Our bodies overloaded with free radicals constantly battling damaged cells, killing and removing them so often at young ages that our bodies can't cope so we develop "diseases" like diabetes from inadequate fatty acids, cancer from retarded cells, our immune system constantly working that we think we have allergies when we are constantly actually sick and we cannot even fully recover from normal disparities in life.

All the while BS are under stress, and our bodies and minds need every advantage they can get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OP stay healthy, its worth the work, the money, the healthier you are the better you can take care of other work and other people.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Hurt, 
You are getting great advice here, and I glad you are open to it. These posters are helping people in your situation all the time. You will find that if you keep them up to date they will stick with you all the way through!
Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your wife is a repeat offender. And with the same guy. After all this time, she is still hung up on him. What are the chances that she's able to wipe her feelings for him out of her mind? Practically nil, zippo, it'll always be there. Probably even when both of you were intimate -- sorry for the blunt image.

Have you found the OM's wife (OMW)? You should speak (but dont tell your wife ahead of time) with the OMW to see what she knows and to tell her what's happening.

Protect your finances and assets -- no more joint bank accounts, credit cards, and especially loans/debts.


And, what's with these women who cant have children? Why are they so intent on going with another man? Or, are they programming themselves not to get pregnant so not to drive away the OM?

You have 1 child from a previous relationship, so you know you can survive a relationship breakdown. Be more discerning with picking your third woman.


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

aug, these are two different guys. The incident 5 years ago ended 5 years ago and I have nothing to indicate she maintained any contact with him after we decided to work things out. He was single and 19, my wife and I were 30 at the time, so there was no OMW. 

The email correspondance I found most recently was with another single guy who she had worked with on a project.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> I did the same, I quit drinking, I was never drunk or anything but it affects our ability to cope at work, at home, at school and it gives us a healthier body leading to a healthier mind. I started 'creep drinking', I guess I just made that term up to describe how I drank more and more, and more, at such a little amount over a long time failing to notice that my tolerance built up so high that I realized how difficult it was to actually feel a buzz when I actually tried to get drunk.
> 
> I have always been healthy but just because I was healthy I felt it was fine to drink frequent amounts of poison placing them into my body and affecting the balance of my body in the gut (pro biotics to start with) so I gave it up for the sake of my health and my olympic lifting and have been fabulous ever after (really)...Eating healthy really has an affect, if you even look up how bad cortisol can affect your body, and how burning out has a bad affect on our minds it takes a long time to recover. The bad thing is we do not "STRESS" health in this country enough. Our diets are so horrible, even the healthy ones are not good enough because there are just way too many poisonous elements in our food (pesticide, chemical fertilizers etc), our water (fluorine, chlorine, lead etc), our air (exhaust, cleaning agents, chemicals etc) that we are constantly bombarding our bodies with poison. Our bodies overloaded with free radicals constantly battling damaged cells, killing and removing them so often at young ages that our bodies can't cope so we develop "diseases" like diabetes from inadequate fatty acids, cancer from retarded cells, our immune system constantly working that we think we have allergies when we are constantly actually sick and we cannot even fully recover from normal disparities in life.
> 
> All the while BS are under stress, and our bodies and minds need every advantage they can get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OP stay healthy, its worth the work, the money, the healthier you are the better you can take care of other work and other people.


Yes, definitely. Just when we need to have clear minds and strong bodies, we reach for things that will kill the pain & that makes our perceptions so much worse. I, too, was amazed at the difference, not just in the physical, but in my mental state when I started to focus on my own well-being & consciously improved diet and exercise.

I hope the OP works on himself, for himself. I know he wants to try to recover his marriage, but I think that must be very hard to do when the landscape shifts so much that the trust is gone. I get that it's easy to say from the outside. Get that.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

hurtandmiserable said:


> aug, these are two different guys. The incident 5 years ago ended 5 years ago and I have nothing to indicate she maintained any contact with him after we decided to work things out. He was single and 19, my wife and I were 30 at the time, so there was no OMW.
> 
> The email correspondance I found most recently was with another single guy who she had worked with on a project.



Thanks. I stand corrected. 

She's still a repeat offender. She need to address her reasons why. That'll take some time (years, decades).


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> 1. Get a VAR and hide it in her car.
> 2. Go after her text messages on her phone
> 3. Check her phone records for calls to his phone.
> 4. If you can get a PI to follow up on her.
> ...


Also get a keylogger on the PC!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

hurtandmiserable said:


> He no longer works there and she no longer contacts him. That was 5 years ago, and I thought we were mending well until the latest breakdown. When all that went down with the guy at work, her parents found out and really tore into her. Mine also found out and it really made it hard on her to build up all that trust with everyone. This time I'm scared to talk to any family because I don't want to make the healing process harder I decide to give it another shot.


Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice....................


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Fool me once, shame on you.
> 
> Fool me twice....................


"Fool me — you can't get fooled again." George H. W. Bush

Sorry, couldn't resist.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well is it poly time? Atleast the threat that is


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi i think i would kick her into touch and start the legal process if she is in to you then she will fight back if not you will have a sad time for a while but trust me you will recover and not have all this grief every once in a while and all the pain that goes with it there plenty of good girls out there looking for a good guy so do your self a favour and dont put up with the Crxp


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People tend to think in 5-year increments. It seems to help. So ask yourself what you think your life will be like 5 years from now if you stay with your wife. This helps to clarify the mind - it helps you to see whether you believe she can change.

If your instincts tell you you'll be facing the same cr*p, take a deep breath and make a decision in favor of a better life for yourself.


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

I guess I am just a chump, but I really think we got a shot. She really seems to be making an effort. I got onto her computer today and I checked her facebook message history going back for a few months and found nothing strange, I found an email account I didn't know she had, but it was all related to a side project she had been working on and contained nothing inapporpriate. She has been really sweet, making extra efforts around the house, listening to me when I'm venting without getting angry, and really just being a great wife and friend. I know that she may just be hiding things well, but I am at least optimistic.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Get that keylogger on her computer if you have not done so already.

Good luck. Trust (a little) but verify (a lot).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aug said:


> Thanks. I stand corrected.
> 
> She's still a repeat offender. She need to address her reasons why. That'll take some time (years, decades).


She might not be a serial offender but could be trying to be one.

Does she -even unconsciously- resent the fact that you have a child and she can't?


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

hurtandmiserable said:


> I do not have a keylogger on her laptop, but I suppose it couldn't hurt. There is no way of me monitoring her behavior at work, however, but I guess it doesn't matter... she has slipped up before, I'm sure, if there is anything going on, she'll slip up again.


She is not being honest. How much more confirmation do you need. Sorry to say because I know how the love you have for her feels but without honesty you can not have anything with her. DEAL (drop everything and leave)


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Does she -even unconsciously- resent the fact that you have a child and she can't?


Not being able to have children really hit her hard, but I don't think she resents my ability to have kids.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You know she is very capable of initiating inappropriate relationships. So far all she's had to do is reel you back in and put you at ease with WORDS. Has she explained anything to you? No

She's denied, denied, denied. That tactic has put you back in line. 

Has she OFFERED to do a poly? No

She needs to have a clean slate which may require MC. BUT only once she's fessed up to past misdeeds. 

Do you want to be her daddy - checking up on the immature teen for the next few years? Follow the advice above because it appears to me she is biding her time until things cool down. You were too hasty in letting things settle down 5 yrs ago.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey H & M----Mge. is very hard work, it has to be worked at,----you are now getting to the point, where things get boring---same old, same old, and spouses get into a rut---and a weak spouse will get caught up in the excitement of someone new, who gives them the time of day

Your wife, obviously has now done this twice---I am sure---the exact same thing went on 5 yrs ago, at the finish of that EA---now you have stopped another EA

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING again 5 yrs from now---cuz your words, spoken to her, about you leaving now---will just be a faded memory, if she gets itchy a few years down the line

You need to have boundaries in place, with ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES, THAT SHE WILL NEVER FORGET!!!!!

Start out with a POST--NUP, with a DURESS clause

Limit her going out drinking to nil----if she goes out to a bar, or meatmarket---it is with you, and you only---If she wants to go out with her GIRLFRIENDS, and notice I said GF's---NO GUYS WHATSOEVER----it is to dinner, the movies, hobbies, things like that

She probably should not be allowed on social websites----some where along the line an old buddy of hers from years ago will look her up on facebook---and before you can count to 10---you have a major problem

Make sure she knows/remembers you WILL seek D., if she so much as looks cross-eyed, at another man---no flirting----no anything with other men---on any type of phone

She may not like any of this---but what you are doing is protecting YOUR MGE---and she BETTER NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT----at this point in time, in all actuality, if you say jump---her answer should be how high

You have to be/stay HARSH, if you want your mge., cuz it has already been proven TWICE---you have a wife who seeks other men!!!!!!!!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

aug said:


> Thanks. I stand corrected.
> 
> She's still a repeat offender. She need to address her reasons why. That'll take some time (years, decades).


Most cheaters do not need reasons, and surprisingly enough most cheaters do not HAVE reasons that they know of. Their "reasons" are only excuses.

Listen well sir, you deserve better. Either she shapes up or she ships out, PERIOD

You will not support, financially, emotionally, and physically any irresponsible (irresponsibility), inappropriate and unnecessary behavior which includes but is not limited too immodest conversations, comments, and even body language in any way, shape or form electronic or physical or even mental telepathy.


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