# Porn Addiction and Fetishes



## shez (Mar 4, 2012)

OK I don't really know how to start with this, But just after some advice or feedback.
My partner of two years is an old friend and we are getting on great, I am divorced and from what was an emotionally abusive relationship with an alcoholic and gambler. 
However I have recently come to the conculsion that my partner has a porn addiction. I found some porn on the computer one day and asked him about it he said he was just curious I checked that he was okay with our sex life and that he wasn't having any online affair which he assured not. We have sex of some form or another everyday to both of our enjoyment. But I have realised that he will be looking at porn everytime he gets a spare moment alone with the computer he will get up early in the morning to spend 1/2 - 1hr before work. The computer is always on private browsing and he turns it off. I have however been turning it onto keeping history before going to bed so I can look at what he's looking at. He has got some kinks that have been revealed a bit of s&m and a definite boob fetish that I have been happy to oblige with and enjoy this change up (I never reject him advances either). But my problem been is I have discovered he has a thing for old saggy ladies.. and it kind of puts me off. And alot more hardcover s&m than we have been doing.
My problem is how to start a conversation with him to open up, I know he will just be casual and brush it aside as not a problem, but I feel he is putting too much time into something thats not me. I told him I didn't mind porn and I don't but I feel this is something more the site he loves is amataur porn and more interactive, if it was gorgeous porn stars then somehow that would be easier for me to accept. I kind of feel like I am not skanky enough! My biggest problem is the feeling like something is always been hidden from me. I have done the lying with living with a gambler and alcoholic and quite frankly over it. Why do men I find always have something? 
And how do you live with someone who might be lusting after you mum!??


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i dont disagree that you have a problem on your hands BUT...

i feel that when a woman says it ok for her h or bf looks at porn, you should also be aware that you may be opening a pandoras box such as you have.

i dont see how you can feel you have a problem when you said its ok.

if this is bothering you then i feel you should tell him that you have decided it is making you uncomfortable and he should stop.

if he refuses or starts hiding it more (as he has started doing) then he has an addiction problem.

i think he already does or why else would he be hiding it when you told him it was ok?

i dont think it has a place in relationships.
personally i dont think it has a place at all except the garbage.

that is just my opinion of course, for several reasons.


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## frankd (Feb 22, 2012)

Perhaps he has a need to push the envelope. He may not actually be into S & M or older women or skanks or hardcore stuff. Instead, I believe (and I'm a man) that he gets desensitized when he sees so much porn, so he has to push it further and further to an extreme in order to get the same high.

I wouldn't say that he wants you to be that way, nor for you to do the kinds of things he's viewing. Check with him, and I think you'll find he respects you too much for that. It's likely that he doesn't repect those women in the pics and vids and since they aren't you, he has no feeling for them or what they're doing.

Ask about how he got to his current viewing pattern. See if you can determine if he started with softcore stuff - tits and ass - and then escalated to hardcore things that may even border on the disgusting.

Having said all that, if you think it's too much time, then it's too much time regardless. If I'm bored I'll surf around for a while, but spending a good chunk of time watching porn instead of interacting with his wife is cause for concern. As I said in another post, watching porn and masturbating is Plan B. If he's confused about that, then the problem is clear and it needs to be dealt with pronto.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya he has a problem, I suggest you engage it, swallow the puke and force your self to "get to know your enemy". Folks have a way to trickle truth there bad behaviors. You should engage this with a colvert operation that will give you the answers that you need to know in order to fight this unhealthy behavior.

Or you can get pissed off and he can go deeper underground and his gaslighting will only lead to a deteriorating relationship between the 2 of you.

Know your enemy. Do the research that will tell you exactly what you are fighting here, and why!. 

Sure its sick but in order to help you should know exactly what and why you are helping by doing the investigation and education that will show a concern that niether him or any one else can denei why you want to help, not judge.

education is power, learn and you might help, but you may just beable to just let go also! Moving on to a healthier relationship.


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## Mike_O (Aug 3, 2011)

Shez - welcome to the forum.

There are 100's if not 1,000's of posts here about porn and a variety of opinions too.

I suggest bookmarking some of the threads on this forum - send him an email with links to the threads and suggest that you both chat about the topics and the various opinions. So, by talking about someone else's problem (as posted here) it might make the chat more successful and less confrontational.

Good luck and let us know how it works out.


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## shez (Mar 4, 2012)

Thanks heaps for your replies your feedback gave some good insights into what might be happening. I have also read into the other posts.

We had the talk, I have told him how I feel, haven't let on that I know what he looks at, at this point I have let him now that he is spending too much time on porn and its now not okay. And I have pointed it out to him in ways it has affected his relationship that he hasn't been aware of.

He definitely trickled the truth, downplayed it. He is so difficult to talk with very much a closed book, but then I have communication issues too.. But I rather know and deal with issues now that drag them out and get further into this relationship with them unresolved, been there done that. Realise now that I have nothing to lose and alot to gain from speaking up!


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