# Is this a stupid reason?



## JEl (Mar 7, 2013)

Hi,

I have been with my husband for almost 12 years and married almost 6.
His mother has been an issue for me/us since before we were married and now after 2 children the problem has escalated.

I have tried to make things work, and am now almost resenting my husband as a result of my depression.

Am I stupid to leave the man I love because of his mother??

Any advice will be much appreciated!


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

not going to tell you what to do, my situation my MIL hates me and i hate my MIL and her side of the family and my wife knows this, i can tell my wife right now how worthless he mom is and all she would say is " i know or tell me something i dont know" she told her mom back off im with him and ill choose him over you every time. her mom is now civil


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## JEl (Mar 7, 2013)

My husband has told her once before to back off and that was only when I hit rock bottom. He still struggles to stand up to her, I'm not sure if he has some kind of fear towards her but its as though he can't let her down but he can see me unhappy. I think my relationship with MIL can be considered civil, but she is such a devious woman that she makes me feel like crap when he is not around - always saying things and doing things when he isn't around! 
It's a continuous pattern with her and I just feel I've endured it for far too long now!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Stop putting your husband in the middle!*

*You are a big girl and you can figure out how to a handle the MIL.*

perhaps this may help. 

In a very stern but kind way tell your MIL that you wnat to help her be closer to her son but if she insistes on trying to step on you that you are not about to take any more from her.

If she rejects that and gets smart with you, tell her if she wants to force you to be against her that you will and that it will not be pretty. Also tell her that in this fight that she has insisted on that her relationship with her son will be damaged.


If it gets real ugly (do not use this unless you have to) tell her that you know that you will win becuase if nothing else you will out live her.


I am assumimg that you have been real good to this MIL and that she is 90-95% in the wrong. If you need to check yourself to see if you are have some fault then it would benefit you to do so.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Am I stupid to leave the man I love because of his mother??



*YES!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time do you spend around his mother?

You say that when your husband is not there she takes the opportunity to say/do things that make you feel bad. 

Have you told your husband about this? Does he not believe you?

One thing you could do is to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on your when she's around and he is not. Record her nonsense. Having it to play back might help.

The other thing you can do is to stop taking her seriuosly. If she says rude things. Just tell her that she's rude and you don't want to hear it. Be very clear to her. Tell her to go to a different room and find something else to do. 

Just do not be around her when she acts out.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> One thing you could do is to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on your when she's around and he is not. Record her nonsense. Having it to play back might help.


*Great advice above!*

Be very carfull about forcing your husband to choose betwen you and his mother. This has happened oin my family and no body won, everybody took some loss.


*How would you like to be forced to have to choose between two people you love? * 
Could you choose between your two children?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

What specifically, is she doing?? Just talking "smack" when hubby isn't around? Does your husband know? Does he believe you? Has he tried asserting himself against his mother? Have you? If so, what was her response?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JEl (Mar 7, 2013)

YinPrincess said:


> What specifically, is she doing?? Just talking "smack" when hubby isn't around? Does your husband know? Does he believe you? Has he tried asserting himself against his mother? Have you? If so, what was her response?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She puts her two cents in where it doesn't belong when my husband isn't around, especially when it comes to my children! My husband wasn't aware of this up until about a year ago when I started telling him this. I do tell him what she says just to let him know and at times he agrees that she was out of line and other times he defends her. He does believe me when i tell him but He is her only son and let's just say her "baby" and I think he knows this...but geez he is a grown man now with his own family and I have told him this!!
He never use to answer her back at all until I got to a point where I couldn't handle her anymore and he could see it was taking a toll on me. She is a very clever woman in terms of when to do and say things.
I do keep my distance but now I am the one making MIL and FIL uncomfortable when we see each other....I really don't know what to do. 

Her nonsense has been going on since our engagement and only got more intense after the birth of our first born....the need for her to control things is a big deal for her, something I do not let her do now when it comes to my husband and children. 

I know I have to stand up to her but she likes a fight and I can't stand confrontation. I have started to stand my ground and she doesn't take that well at all.

I know I can't make my husband choose between us but she really puts a strain on our marriage though!
More importantly I don't want my children growing up without their daddy and so at times feel I'm stuck in this marriage for them, but I'm not 100% happy!


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## JEl (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> *Great advice above!*
> 
> Be very carfull about forcing your husband to choose betwen you and his mother. This has happened oin my family and no body won, everybody took some loss.
> 
> ...


I have not once asked him to choose!!!


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## JEl (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> *Stop putting your husband in the middle!*
> 
> *You are a big girl and you can figure out how to a handle the MIL.*
> 
> ...


I have tried for years with this woman....I am now going into my 6th year of having to put up with her and have done so for my husband! 
I have gone to see someone in the past to help me with this and they confirmed for me that she is a controlling person! 

I think I need to be firm with her from now on whatever the outcome of it is with her!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I disagree with Mr Blunt.

Your husband needs to take a stand against his mother and set good boundaries (just as women need to do with their families if need be). If he fails to do that, it is a huge failing as a husband, he is failing to protect you.

I understand this is hard with family and particularly difficult with mothers, that said, you are married to your spouse and they should be top priority.

I would tell my husband that I had lost respect for him. 

I suggest counseling, so that the counselour can help your husband create good boundaries.

It's not Ok for any one to treat you poorly, it is effecting your marriage and it's your husbands responsibility to put it right.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Is she just nit-picking, complaining things aren't "her way" trying to dominate your husband's time or finances?

If she is saying things when your husband isn't around, I would try my best not to be alone with her. If you do get stuck being alone with her and she starts, just walk away. Tell her it's not her position or authority to control that particular item she's talking about. Tell her you dislike unsolicited advice. Or, invite her to come up with a positive statement instead. (This might actually help the two of you get along better - or at least put the brakes on the negativity for the time being if she plays along).

I completely agree that your husband can and should be defining boundaries with his mother. He should be standing up for you as his wife. You are his family now, and his number one priority. He needs to believe it, practice it and enforce it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JEl (Mar 7, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I disagree with Mr Blunt.
> 
> Your husband needs to take a stand against his mother and set good boundaries (just as women need to do with their families if need be). If he fails to do that, it is a huge failing as a husband, he is failing to protect you.
> 
> ...



Thank you! I am considering going to see a counsellor with him, he's kind of for it but not really.

I have told him to stop worrying about what his mother thinks and start thinking about me and his children.
He has to a point done it but yet constantly going out of his way to make her happy rather than do what would make me happy!!

At the moment he is losing me as a wife and a friend because I just don't feel I can talk to him about anything. 

Maybe it's me too distancing myself and being silent, and I don't help the situation, but I keep getting kicked when I'm already down!


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## JEl (Mar 7, 2013)

YinPrincess said:


> Is she just nit-picking, complaining things aren't "her way" trying to dominate your husband's time or finances?
> 
> If she is saying things when your husband isn't around, I would try my best not to be alone with her. If you do get stuck being alone with her and she starts, just walk away. Tell her it's not her position or authority to control that particular item she's talking about. Tell her you dislike unsolicited advice. Or, invite her to come up with a positive statement instead. (This might actually help the two of you get along better - or at least put the brakes on the negativity for the time being if she plays along).
> 
> ...


The funny thing or not so funny thing is that my husband constantly leaves me alone with her. He and his dad will always find some excuse to go outside or fix around the house!! He knows all too well that I hate it and yet he does it and for him I put deal with it. 

I really do need to start standing up to her don't I? Speak my mind just like she speaks her!!
She thinks she knows everything better than everyone else. She's a better cook, mother, worker, everything even knows more than doctors apparently! 

The one thing that gets to me is that she has to know everything about my family - she invited herself the the birth of my first child and so had her with me in the birthing suite during labour...she use to call my husband pretty much every night after marriage just to see what he was up to...wants to do our tax returns at the same time....invites herself on family getaways....it's as though I've married his mother as well as him!

I'm not sure if her problem is more with me or at the fact her son has another woman in his life to listen to!! But boy does she make it difficult for us...she treats him like a king and then really drops her standards when it comes to me!!

I'm just over her after everything she has out me through!


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