# He Will Never Forgive Me!



## camayga (Jul 12, 2014)

I have been married for 20 years. We had a great marriage until the economy crashed. We went into biz for ourselves because we couldn't find jobs. I hid from him how bad off we were doing financially for several years. By the time I came clean, we were $30k in debt with credit cards. He didn't speak to me for 3 days and discussed the idea of divorcing me with his Mother but she talked him out of it. 

Fast forward 2 more years and I have made it much worse. He thinks the credit cards have been paid off; they haven't. On top of that, we sold our house and he thinks we have $60k in the bank and we only have $30k. There is no way I will ever be able to pay off the cards and double what is in our account by the time he wants to buy another house next year.

If I tell him the truth he will leave me for sure. Of course I completely deserve it for deceiving him. I know I need to tell him but I am terrified of the outcome. What do I do?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why did you continue to lie to him? Didn't you learn your lesson the first time?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Why did you hide the financial problems from him in the first place? You're both in business together, right? Or is this just for your own business?

I'm sorry, but I don't see how you can keep it a secret for long. When you fill out the paperwork for a new home, it's going to come out because a credit check will be done. Better to confess now and deal with it. 

You can pay off the cards. Not by next year maybe, but you can. People with bigger debts pay it off. You need to go to credit counseling, work up a plan to pay off the debt in a way that's doable for your family.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

he should be saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". Why, oh, why isn't he checking the finances too?

how can someone just 'think the credit cards have been paid off'...doesn't he understand they send that info every month? and it's on online? and bank balances too.

what income is coming now? any expenses you can do without? can your business take on more work in the short term (like working overtime at any other company)?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, the reason I asked my questions is because you need to tell him ASAP, and you need to have some answers ready when you do. "I don't know" will NOT get you the results you're hoping for.

But why wasn't he more involved with the finances after the first issue?

C


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Money is a small thing for me to forgive, but that is a lot of debt! I think it may boil down to how much money you guys make, and if you are truly repentant and willing to give up your spending freedom to him since you obviously have a problem. He has one too, not being smart with you since you've already shown you have a problem. I wish you luck


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

but how the debt keep incrementing without his kownlage, are you addict to somethig? gambling, drugs, shopping?, what ius happening that the numbers are 60k off without his kowlage that jus don't happen if it is by covering basic needs


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It will get worse the longer you let this go on. Some would and others wouldn't but that's out of your control.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> It will get worse the longer you let this go on.


THIS. If he's not going to forgive it today, he's REALLy not going to forgive it tomorrow... best you can do is tell him now before he finds out otherwise (even though he shoukd be on top of it and know everythung from the first go-round).

Offer up as suggested to stop ALL your own soending, havehim totallycontrol the miney, incur the debt onto yourself personally to work it off, whatever it takes to make the attempt. Treat it like infidelity, full transparency, give him anything he wants, no matter how hard... but expect the worst.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

camayga said:


> I have been married for 20 years. We had a great marriage until the economy crashed. We went into biz for ourselves because we couldn't find jobs. I hid from him how bad off we were doing financially for several years. By the time I came clean, we were $30k in debt with credit cards. He didn't speak to me for 3 days and discussed the idea of divorcing me with his Mother but she talked him out of it.
> 
> Fast forward 2 more years and I have made it much worse. He thinks the credit cards have been paid off; they haven't. On top of that, we sold our house and he thinks we have $60k in the bank and we only have $30k. There is no way I will ever be able to pay off the cards and double what is in our account by the time he wants to buy another house next year.
> 
> If I tell him the truth he will leave me for sure. Of course I completely deserve it for deceiving him. I know I need to tell him but I am terrified of the outcome. What do I do?



You should not be managing your families finances. I don't mean that to be mean.

Keeping $30k in cash while you have $30k in CC debt is costing you about $6000 a year for absolutely no reason. If you pay off the CC with cash, you can recover that $30 through savings in five years. You should keep an emergency fund, but your zero balance CC could cover until you get your savings back up. 

Have you kept him unaware of the situation because it would affect your life style and things you want? (shopping, vacations, ect...)? 

You have to come clean. If your marriage survives, then insist that you review finances monthly even if it is just a casual conversation. 

It boggles my mind that he does not know what is in his bank accounts. Very foolish on his part and it has nothing to do with trusting you.

There is plenty of help out there for getting your financial house in order. I like Dave Ramsey's radio show. It gives sound advice despite the bible thumping.
http://www.daveramsey.com


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You do not provide enough info on which to provide a good response.

What was charged to the credit cards to drive up the debt? Who made the charges.

Why isn't your husband aware of the day to day finances?

If this a case of you just blowing money?

Or is it a case of him pushing all finances off on you and he gets upset when he finally wakes up and pays attention?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She hasn't posted anything back since her original post... Might be worth it to let her respond before going down rabbit trails that lead nowhere...

C


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## camayga (Jul 12, 2014)

All of the debt is from buying merchandise for the business and paying household bills when the business was slow. 

At the beginning I tried and tried to tell him the business wasn't making enough and we were going into the hole each month. But he would just get angry and argue that I just didn't want to be in business for myself. He had unrealistic expectations of what the business could earn and every time I tried to give him some reality, he would blow up on me.

So I did the wrong thing and placated him. This kept him happy and we didn't fight but it put a ton of stress on me from 08 until '12 until I couldn't take it any more and "confessed".

I don't have any bad spending habits, no addictions. Just guilty of trying to keep a business afloat for too long.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think you are guilty of trying to protect him from the reality, or maybe he just was in denial. I'm surprised he didn't have a wake up call when you told him about the 30k. You shouldn't take all the blame for this. What you need to fix is how you both communicate, look into marriage counseling and a fincancial counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

camayga said:


> All of the debt is from buying merchandise for the business and paying household bills when the business was slow.
> 
> At the beginning I tried and tried to tell him the business wasn't making enough and we were going into the hole each month. But he would just get angry and argue that I just didn't want to be in business for myself. He had unrealistic expectations of what the business could earn and every time I tried to give him some reality, he would blow up on me.
> 
> ...


I don't see how he could get mad at you if you just giving him the facts.

"So this month we had brought in $5000 in income and spent $6000, the gap was covered with credit cards" Year to date we have made $50k, spent $60k with $10k added to debt for a total debt of $25k"

This in contrast to "the business is not working"

He may still not want to talk about closing the business but at you won't have the problem you have now.

Clearly you guys have a huge communication problem.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If your old man doesn't know your 60 K in the hole hows is he going to know you closed the business and got a job working for someone else?

BTW it sounds like its getting worse...the business that is....yet the economy is improving!

Its time to get out. That's something you do have control over. What your old man does is his problem. You made it clear that its getting worse and you can't see it getting better....GET OUT!

And another thing, if your old man wants to add another financial hardship by divorcing well then no wonder you guys are bankrubt....both finacially and emotionally.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

It sounds to me like your husband isn't ready to run a business just yet. Part of running your own business is knowing exactly where the money is going. How much profit you made for the day/week/month and how much for parts, services, overhead, that kind of thing. Most small business owners I know have a lot of financial skills and they're really on top of every dollar that comes in and leaves the business. 

I don't see all this as your fault. You bear fault for hiding this, but his side of the street isn't clean either. 

Go to credit counseling for the credit card debt. Are you in the US?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

camayga said:


> All of the debt is from buying merchandise for the business and paying household bills when the business was slow.
> 
> At the beginning I tried and tried to tell him the business wasn't making enough and we were going into the hole each month. But he would just get angry and argue that I just didn't want to be in business for myself. He had unrealistic expectations of what the business could earn and every time I tried to give him some reality, he would blow up on me.
> 
> ...


Put on your "CFO" pants and talk to him about company finances. It's got to happen sooner rather than later. If you're doing the books then that is your job when you're doing them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I don't see how he could get mad at you if you just giving him the facts.
> 
> "So this month we had brought in $5000 in income and spent $6000, the gap was covered with credit cards" Year to date we have made $50k, spent $60k with $10k added to debt for a total debt of $25k"
> 
> ...


camayga can clear this up.

I'm not sure why you make the assumption that she did not give him the numbers and assume that the cause of the problem is that she was not clear. It's usually better to ask the OP instead of assuming you know what she did or did not do... and then to accuse her of causing the problem.


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## camayga (Jul 12, 2014)

*Re: He Will Never Forgive Me! UPDATE*

I finallay came clean 2 days ago. It was tough and I didn't think I would have the courage to tell him face to face, but I did it. He is angry and feels betrayed but he's not going to leave me. He says he still loves me; he is angry at me and doesn't trust me right now but wants to work it out. 

He aknowledge that he is somewhat to blame for leaving all of the fincances in my hands and that it was foolish to trust me after the last time. We are going to sit down today and go through every bill and come up with a finacial strategy to get back on track. We are going pay the bills and ballance the books together every Sunday so there are no secrets or mis-understandings from now on.

So my advice to anyone who cares to hear it is this. Tell your spouse right away if there is any bad sittuation financially or otherwise! The longer you let it sit and fester the worse it's going to be for the both of you. I had to learn my lesson the hard way, and I got real lucky to have such a great guy that is willing to stick it out.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm proud of you. It appears you have an awesome husband. He stuck by you, now you do the same.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

camayga, you've motivated me. I need to get my husband down to earth on our business. Business is doing well, but still there are things that have to be paid off, and will never be wtihout cutting on extra expenses for a while. I have to put it on spreadsheet I guess. 
Good luck to you two! I hope you'll work things out soon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad you did it. Now the two of you can work on it together. I hope thing go well for you both.


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