# I think I figured it out



## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

So if you have read my other posts it seems to be clear that I am in a very toxic relationship. I blame myself for getting married so quickly and not seeing the signs. I also blame myself for bringing my two boys into something that I thought was a blessing. But alas...I know all marriages have troubles, but I found myself (literally) hyperventalating in the arms of my husband. And not because I did anything wrong, but because I finally became undone. 

A few days ago I was to meet my husband at the eye doctor because we had appointments for the whole family. He took off work early, and so did I. I get there are the receptionist told me that nobody was covered except for me and my step children. Odd. And then my husband blew up. He got so mad he left me in the eye doctor with all the kids so that I could have my eye appointment and somehow watch all the kids (his kids) while getting an exam. 

I get home and he immediately starts yelling at me because I was upset that he left. And he was upset because I was hurt that he didn't get me a card for my birthday. And he was upset because in his eyes he failed me.

And he did. He failed me. In that moment I realized that my husband left me and failed me and I can't trust him because he is only married to me because of what I bring to the marriage (and it's a lot). I take care of the kids, I do the laundry, I clean the house, I cook, oh and I work full time just like him.

He pulls the rug out from me. He bought me a really nice trip to Cabo! no kids. and he bought insurance on the trip...you want to know why? because our trip is canceled. 

He bought me flowers last week and sent them to my work. It was the first time he bought me flowers. You want to know why? Because he spent the entire weekend under stress and using me as his punching bag. 

We are supposed to be buying a house this month and selling our house. I'm staring at the boxes and honestly feel like if this weekend gets bad (which I anticipate because his kids are coming over and when they come over he gets stressed out and yells at me for the dumbest things) I am going to use those boxes and get the heck out of here.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like a wonderful marriage. Do you guys have sex? Does the marriage seem as if it's only for convenience (kids, money)?

Eye insurance is a scam. Better off without it, IMO. Best case is you break even after paying the premiums, even after buying glasses. An exam is like $75? Nothing worth blowing up about.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You are still there? I thought you moved out weeks ago?

My God girl, what is it going to take to get you to move out and away from this man?

Reread all your post. That should help you see yourself the way you explain it to us.

Please find your courage.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Katiemelanie said:


> So if you have read my other posts it seems to be clear that I am in a very toxic relationship. I blame myself for getting married so quickly and not seeing the signs. I also blame myself for bringing my two boys into something that I thought was a blessing. But alas...I know all marriages have troubles, but I found myself (literally) hyperventalating in the arms of my husband. And not because I did anything wrong, but because I finally became undone.
> 
> A few days ago I was to meet my husband at the eye doctor because we had appointments for the whole family. He took off work early, and so did I. I get there are the receptionist told me that nobody was covered except for me and my step children. Odd. And then my husband blew up. He got so mad he left me in the eye doctor with all the kids so that I could have my eye appointment and somehow watch all the kids (his kids) while getting an exam.
> 
> ...


Are you sure you're not married to my husband?  Each time he's stressed about anything, I start preparing myself mentally because I know a huge blow up is coming. I've asked him so many times to stop using me as his emotional punching bag. He stops for a while, but then something stressful happens and... Well, you know.

DON'T get involved even more by buying a house together with him! Find a way to get out of that.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> You are still there? I thought you moved out weeks ago?
> 
> My God girl, what is it going to take to get you to move out and away from this man?
> 
> ...


I'm trying. I don't know what is wrong with me. I find so many excuses and I guess I am waiting for the final straw. He started taking meds and has been getting SOOOOO much better, but I think he needs a stronger dose now. Some days are amazing, but the days where he is stressed out are terrible.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> Sounds like a wonderful marriage. Do you guys have sex? Does the marriage seem as if it's only for convenience (kids, money)?
> 
> Eye insurance is a scam. Better off without it, IMO. Best case is you break even after paying the premiums, even after buying glasses. An exam is like $75? Nothing worth blowing up about.


We have sex almost every night. I think there are parts of the marriage that are definitely for convenience. I have been slowly backing away because I will definitely burn out. And when I put my foot down and say no...he is ok with that, but then just seems to put on a front. For example: I told him that his son couldn't come over without an aid (he is violent and has severe needs) The state pays for an aid and he said he agreed, but tomorrow he is coming over without an aid. I asked him why and he said it was because he didn't have time and that his son is sick so he will be sleeping all day anyways. But the last time he was here was so scary and I became a punching bag.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Katiemelanie said:


> We have sex almost every night. I think there are parts of the marriage that are definitely for convenience. I have been slowly backing away because I will definitely burn out. And when I put my foot down and say no...he is ok with that, but then just seems to put on a front. For example: I told him that his son couldn't come over without an aid (he is violent and has severe needs) The state pays for an aid and he said he agreed, but tomorrow he is coming over without an aid. I asked him why and he said it was because he didn't have time and that his son is sick so he will be sleeping all day anyways. But the last time he was here was so scary and I became a punching bag.




Can you stay somewhere else while his son is visiting?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

His punching bag? Was that meant in a figurative or a literal sense?

If the latter, call the police and lawyer up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Katiemelanie said:


> I told him that his son couldn't come over without an aid (he is violent and has severe needs) The state pays for an aid and he said he agreed, but tomorrow he is coming over without an aid. I asked him why


NNNTTTT.
Wrong response.

YOU SET a boundary, with an implied consequence.

He BROKE that boundary and...you then did what? You asked why?

All therapists will tell you that all marriages need boundaries and consequences.

YOUR consequence SHOULD have been, when he told you his son was coming over without an aid, that YOU would be leaving the house as soon as his son arrived, and you would return whenever he leaves. Let HIM deal with his son. You are not his maid/mother/hooker/cook.

Just box up your stuff. This will NEVER get better, only worse, because YOU have taught him that you are a doormat. The only way he will ever respect you is if you move out and then insist he attends therapy for a long enough time for him to learn how to change and then TO change, before you even consider moving back in.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you WANT to have sex every night?

Or are you afraid to say no?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> His punching bag? Was that meant in a figurative or a literal sense?
> 
> If the latter, call the police and lawyer up.


I think because of the special needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

Agreed. I will be leaving the house as soon as his son arrives. I have my bag packed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why not leave BEFORE his son arrives? That way it's not so dramatic.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Why not leave BEFORE his son arrives? That way it's not so dramatic.


Yeah, agreed. It's just weird because I SHOULD be able to leave the house and do what I want whenever I want, but I feel like I have to ask for permission.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Katiemelanie said:


> Yeah, agreed. It's just weird because I SHOULD be able to leave the house and do what I want whenever I want, but I feel like I have to ask for permission.


That's because your husband is a controller and he has mentally TRAINED you to feel you are subservient to him.

This is NOT something HE will change. The change, if you stay (I hope not), will have to come from you, and it will have to start with claiming your own rights and NOT caving in to him any more.

My H didn't 'punish' me when I did what I wanted for myself; he just made my life miserable so much that I decided to no longer do what I wanted for myself. If I said I wanted to go to the mall by myself, he'd either insist on going with me or else if I said I wanted to go alone, he'd tell me I was selfish, or he'd say something like 'Fine! Be that way! Go ahead and go gallivanting around while I'm stuck here at home doing all the work that needs done because YOU are out being selfish.' So I'd just stay. Or if I went to see a friend, he'd criticize my friend so badly that I'd stop seeing that friend just to avoid the horrible things he'd say. Just like he wanted.

When I finally went to therapy, she tried for three years to get me to say just one thing to him: that I was going to go to the mall by myself the next Saturday. For three years, I tried to get up the nerve, but by then (10 years of marriage), I'd been SO controlled through fear of his words or looks of disgust or actions that I was literally too terrified to just get up and go somewhere by myself. I never did tell him. It wasn't til 10 years later, when DD went away to college, that I first had the nerve to say I was going to do something without him, and only then because it was to go see her at college, it still wasn't just about myself. Even today I have that fear of just getting up and going somewhere, afraid what he'll say about me.

Please don't turn into me. It's a horrible existence.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Katiemelanie said:


> Yeah, agreed. It's just weird because I SHOULD be able to leave the house and do what I want whenever I want, but I feel like I have to ask for permission.


Are you going to ask for permission after your stepson shows up? Do you really think your husband is going to give you permission?

If you going to ask permission what this is on you. You are a big part of the problem because you have handed over your rights to the control of your husband. At some point you can no longer blame him because you are a willing participant in all of this.

You want to take control of your life? Whether you leave before or after you step son gets there, just leave. Do not ask permission. Do it without your husband seeing you going… and leave with your own kid(s). Just go.

You can text him after you have left that since his son has no care taker, you have left. You will not subject yourself to that kind of abuse. Tell him not to text you because you will not be answering any of his texts. He can take care of his children on his own.

Then keep going, start your new life.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

turnera said:


> That's because your husband is a controller and he has mentally TRAINED you to feel you are subservient to him.
> 
> This is NOT something HE will change. The change, if you stay (I hope not), will have to come from you, and it will have to start with claiming your own rights and NOT caving in to him any more.
> 
> ...


Wow. Thank you for sharing this. I definitely feel EXACTLY the same way! But the good days are really good. You're telling me that you don't want me to end up like you, but I already am. And I want to tell YOU that you are worth so much more than this and you should leave and be happy...while telling myself this at the same time. So...I get it. Trust me....I get it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what ARE you doing about it?


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

turnera said:


> So what ARE you doing about it?


Well the good days are great, and the bad days I leave a little bit further. I don't think I am at "that" point right now. I make so many excuses but I definitely feel like I am a little bit closer to saying "enough". And it's not just him. It's my entire family with him. I have bitten off more than I can chew.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Katiemelanie said:


> Well the good days are great, and the bad days I leave a little bit further. I don't think I am at "that" point right now. I make so many excuses but I definitely feel like I am a little bit closer to saying "enough". And it's not just him. It's my entire family with him. I have bitten off more than I can chew.


How did the weekend go? Did you manage to leave when his son arrived?


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

Annie123 said:


> How did the weekend go? Did you manage to leave when his son arrived?


His son never came. And this weekend...stress free and calm. I actually got a nap in!


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