# Husband lied about military service



## Melissa2014

Hello, I am new here and just really in need of writing this down until I am able to speak with a professional face to face. 

Husband and I just applied for a VA refinance loan. I ordered a copy of his DD214 from a research website. Imagine my surprise and now, horror, when I discovered he did not have one, because he spent one year in an ROTC program, not the military. He was never Special Forces. Long story short, there is a whopping gamut of information he just made up. Being in the Phillipines, being SF....all lies.

I am beside myself. I mean the avalanche of thoughts flooding my brain is uncontrollable. If he lied about this, what else did he lie about? What else IS he lying about? 

And our friends and family? People who I have told, "my husband did such and such?" 

He is an excellent husband in so many ways, but now I know he is "that guy." Some guy who made up a bunch of crap to make people think he was a something he definitely was NOT, never was, not even close. 

We have had so many conversations about his training, the academy for his SF, ....I mean he talked about these things freely. Jesus...what the hell...

Any advice? Opinions? Has anyone else experience this and can offer advice on how you handles it? I keep hoping this is a bad dream and I'll wake up...

Thank you in advance...


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## CoralReef

A man who is willing to lie to this extent is a man who has some deep insecurities. Either that or he is very narcissistic. 

In your position I would also being wondering what else he has lied about. Before you confront him I would say let a close friend of YOURS not both of yours, know what you discovered and that you intend to confront him. That way if he tries anything crazy your friend can be looking to hear from you. 

How long have you been married. Do you have any children together?


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## Melissa2014

Thank you for your responses...)

We have been married for 7 years, no children.

He knows that I know. When I received this paperwork in the mail and then looked at it, I immediately panicked. But then I thought, okay wait, slow down, I am unfamiliar with this type of paperwork, so maybe there is another part or something. I called him, explained what I was looking at very matter of fact and he kept saying, "Oh wow, that's really weird...I am confused," basically he kept playing the lie. He told me he would look into it and we ended the call. 

THEN about 5 minutes later he called and said, "Do you have a minute?"....and then proceeded to explain that he lied about his military service. 

I have not talked to anyone about this, no family, no friends. I know they would have strong, harsh opinions, and good grief, they should! I keep thinking, what if this was a friend of mine telling me this? What would I think? What would I tell her? I am purposely not telling them though, because I am already an emotional wreck, and I don't need opinions that I know will be biased and angry; then I'll just get more upset and clouded. 

I guess my question to the forum is: if you have experienced this, did you work through it? Did you you get the heck out of dodge? If you worked through it, did you tell family and friends the truth? If you left, was the lie just the tip of the iceberg? 

I have seen these people over the years, people who lied about their military service, in the news, etc...and I have always thought, jeez how utterly disgusting, how AWFUL to lie about such matters! Hence, my emotional wrecked-ness. On one hand, he is supportive, terribly funny, devoted....and then on the other hand, as I wrote in my original post, he is "That Guy." The awful guy, the liar. I mean, part of me is really, horribly disgusted. 

This is such a breach of trust...and it's so....just....down to the core. It's such a comment on his character. I mean, if I had found this out when we were dating, I would not have married him. Plain and simple. Unless, and this is a very tentative unless, he came clean with me in the form of a heart to heart conversation. But that is far from the case here...I mean, he has cited his personal experience soooo many times during conversations. What scares me, is that he has done it so well, that my usually reliable and astute BS meter didn't even flicker. 

Thank you so much for the vent space. Like I said, still waiting for a call back from the professional (a marriage and family counselor who I saw many years ago, and who I trust).


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## EleGirl

So he let you go as far as to try to get VA refinance before he told you? 

Do you know anyone in his family?


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## Personal

I haven't experienced this so I can't say what works or doesn't.

From what I read here, I believe you are being level headed about it and are not thinking irrationally. So I encourage you to trust your instincts, feelings and mind as well.

I can understand you not telling anyone, at the end of the day though I think you should discuss this with those you are close to. Anger is understandable since no one likes being lied to.

In a lot of ways I really think it's quite sad and pathetic that this has happened. If only there were a rewind button so that he could start again and not feel compelled to make this rubbish up.

I think getting a trusted counsellor involved is a good approach, also please don't doubt yourself regarding detecting his lies. I presume you have not served in the military yourself, so why should anything trip your detector when someone is a convincing liar.

By the way, at least he didn't go deeper. I could imagine him doing this because of his SF story claiming he is off the books because he is special and it's a secret.

How are you relating with him now after this revelation, are you talking to him? What is his behaviour like.


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## Melissa2014

I know his dad. I pressed him (husband) for information. He told me no one else knows. No one at work and no one in his family.

I suspect however, some people probably do know. He has a lot of friends who were in the military, who I imagine would be able to see through the lies. 

Additionally, my Uncle was a General in the Air Force (the branch husband claimed to have served in), and I can't help but think....if he did even a tiny amount of research on my husband, he would have found this out. So, then, that opens up ANOTHER can of worms? Does my uncle know? Did he tell my parents? Do they know and did they choose to keep this from me? The questions swirling in my head are in a dervish. ugh... this is awful.

There have been several texts of "But I love you...this is the only lie I told..." nature. I am off from work today. I told him, look, just leave me alone for now.


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## Personal

Since I have no experience of your husbands story telling I can't gauge how convincing he is. I suppose it is possible he could convince some who have served that he is genuine.

On occasion I have met people who have served whom I didn't know when I served. yet I haven't gone digging up if they were liars or not. That said, when chatting one tends to test the other because there are liars out there, which sometimes leads to finding out you share mutual friends.

As an Australian I am not that familiar with the ins and outs of US service, although I have worked with Americans. I suppose some of his ROTC experience might have given him some material to build his story.

So don't overthink this and start to doubt your friends and family, your husband has done this to you and them. Your friends and family haven't helped him do this to you. Your friends and family will end up helping you through this. You don't need to be alone and won't be alone either.

I am not convinced that this is the only lie he has told, the trouble with all of this is that it is a betrayal. The worst thing he has done to you is lied. You have had no choice in this, he has imposed these lies upon you.

Although I think this forum is great for an outside perspective, since we do not know you and have nothing invested in your relationships. I still encourage you to share this with someone you are close to when you are ready for you will need some support.

Don't be ashamed of what has happened, this is his shame it's not your's, this was done to you you are not responsible for his behaviour.


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## Melissa2014

He is at work right now and his behavior on the phone was calm and very very quiet. We were both calm. I mean, emotional, but we are both grounded enough to know this is not a situation that will be resolved with yelling on the phone. 

I come from a family that places honesty and integrity in high regard. Several members of my family are law enforcement and/or military. Additionally, some of those family members actually did serve time in Special Forces units. I am sick to my stomach that my own husband is the worst kind of cretin who would lie to pretend he was one of them. As I write this I am so broken-hearted that I think so little of him. It's awful. I am so mad. I feel betrayed.


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## Personal

I'm glad you and he are calm, that doesn't mean that emotions aren't swirling of course. I think after you do the face to face talk you should talk to someone close, if you don't want their opinion, you can always tell them you just want to vent and aren't ready for more yet.

I'm glad you come from that family, we are all capable and on occasion have told lies, this though is really cutting and heart breaking. I think you will find strength in your family's integrity.

Don't hold this in, let it out and don't hold back on your husband either, he should get some of the burn that you feel. That said, I fear you won't get answers that sufficiently explain or qualify his behaviour. This is going to take time, and will eat at you along the journey you now have to undertake.

What you are experiencing and will go through is what the spouse of a cheater experiences. No matter what you would like to do you are going to go through this. That said you can make it, whether that is through reconciliation or separation and divorce, you can overcome this experience.


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## clipclop2

here's my question. What was he actually doing during the period that he claims he was in the service?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore

I actually have close personal connections to the military. The people in special forces don't go around talking about how they were in special forces. They tend to keep their work and former work under wraps. My husband was in the ROTC, but even with that he doesn't have the level of knowledge that he would need to convincingly talk about what it's like to be in active duty. It's one of the those things that you have to experience. It can't be explained to someone who is a civilian. 

What is his explanation for why he told such a big lie? Why did he let it go so far as applying for a VA loan that he knew he wouldn't get?

It does make one wonder what else he has lied about.


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## EleGirl

It's doubtful that your uncle would have done any research on your husband. A lot of men go through those units. 

I know someone who did something similar. He was in the Army near the end of the Vietnam War. For years he told everyone that he spent a year in Vietnam. He was in the Army for about 10 years but he lied about being in Vietnam. I mean from some time in the 1970's until about 2011. 

He had stories to tell and things he'd written about it. I think that he got the stories from guys he knew when he was in the Army. And then made them his own.

For some reason his family knew he was lying and just played along. In about 2011 one of his sisters finally told his wife. He and his wife are now divorced. The lying about him actually being in Vietnam was only one of the issues in the marriage that lead to the divorce. 

I don't get why a family would do that. I just blew me away when his wife told me that for 15 years his mother and 3 sisters just let him keep his lie going.

Before you decide where to go with this, I think you should talk to his father. Surely his father knows something.

I'm wondering what he really did during those years. Like was he in prison? You might want to run a background check on your husband. He might be covering up something like a criminal background.

One thing that came to mind is that he might be in a witness protection program. But then you would not know his father and family.

Some guys just feel inadequate and build a story of the life they really wanted. 

Before you tell anyone else I think you need to talk to a counselor and get him into counseling or therapy. I get that you might just want to run from him at this point as you have no clue who he really is. But you don't know how deep this goes. If he loses this identity that he's built as a cover who knows what he'll do. (Don't mean to scare you but..)


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## Personal

EleGirl said:


> It's doubtful that your uncle would have done any research on your husband. A lot of men go through those units.
> 
> I know someone who did something similar. He was in the Army near the end of the Vietnam War. For years he told everyone that he spent a year in Vietnam. He was in the Army for about 10 years but he lied about being in Vietnam. I mean from some time in the 1970's until about 2011.
> 
> He had stories to tell and things he'd written about it. I think that he got the stories from guys he knew when he was in the Army. And then made them his own.
> 
> For some reason his family knew he was lying and just played along. In about 2011 one of his sisters finally told his wife. He and his wife are now divorced. The lying about him actually being in Vietnam was only one of the issues in the marriage that lead to the divorce.
> 
> I don't get why a family would do that. I just blew me away when his wife told me that for 15 years his mother and 3 sisters just let him keep his lie going.


The lies really aren't necessary, some service men and women go on operations and some do not, likewise some serve and some do not. Do you know why his family enabled him to maintain his lies?

I served 14 years all up, in both the Regular (what you would call active duty) Army & later the Reserve, and I was never deployed overseas on operations (ironically some of my PSYOPS product got to see the world).

I can't imagine how I could look at myself in the mirror, if I was pretending to be something I wasn't.


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## EleGirl

Personal said:


> The lies really aren't necessary, some service men and women go on operations and some do not, likewise some serve and some do not. Do you know why his family enabled him to maintain his lies?
> 
> I served 14 years all up, in both the Regular (what you would call active duty) Army & later the Reserve, and I was never deployed overseas on operations (ironically some of my PSYOPS product got to see the world).
> 
> I can't imagine how I could look at myself in the mirror, if I was pretending to be something I wasn't.


Of course the lies are not necessary. 

People do strange things to fill a void their own self-image/psyche. I've read that this is the main reason people make up these elaborate types lies. They just want to be more than they are.

I have no idea why his family kept up the lie. My take was that they knew he had lied, they loved his wife and did not want to ruin it when he had a good wife. IT was a sister who lived out of state who finally pushed it.. she told the sister and mother that if they did not tell the wife she was going to. IT had gone on long enough. 

Personally I think that the family did a terrible thing in not calling him down from the start.


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## Melissa2014

His original claim was that he entered the Air Force right after high school in 1982, then stayed for four years, serving as a PJ while in the Air Force. 

Today, he told me he was actually in college in Oregon during those years, which actually is a snippet of truth. The records we received in the mail specified he participated in an ROTC program from 1984 to 1985. He claims to have been in college from 1982 to 1985. 

He is home from work now. We had a very tense conversation. He claims he told the lie during a job interview, and then kept telling it when asked about it from co-workers. He was very grave, very quiet, very very quiet. 

I cannot say where I stand now. I am so utterly incensed. I am mad at him, mad at myself for not barging out of the house, just....ugh....frustrated. 

Writing on this forum has been a good outlet, and I am very thankful for the thoughtful and kind responses. Many of you have suggested I go forward with seeking professional advice. I have definitely created that avenue with a person I trust.


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## EleGirl

I'm glad you are seeking out professional help. 

This is really a shattering discovery. Have you asked him what else he's lied about?


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## imtamnew

I an unable to find it , but there is a vey similar thread on tam.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33

I have caught people telling half truths about being in the military. In conversations they will tell me they were in the Marines and few months later I find out they didn't make it through boot camp. I look at them different from then on. 
I think it's common maybe between men but to keep that lie going to a wife is pretty creepy to me. I would question everything he ever said.


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## old red

he had no right to do that to you. i am very sorry for you.


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## Theseus

Melissa2014 said:


> He is home from work now. We had a very tense conversation. He claims he told the lie during a job interview, and then kept telling it when asked about it from co-workers. He was very grave, very quiet, very very quiet.



I'm currently in the military (I swear!!), but I have a DD214 because at one time I got out and then later got back in. My first advice was going to be that you don't go to a "research site". As far as I know, the only legitimate source for a copy of a 214 is the National Archives and Records Administration. 

However, it sounds like your husband has admitted that he lied. I'll just leave the above information for other spouses in a similar situation to yours. You know your husband much better than we do, and if he's been an honest person with you otherwise. 

Specifically here, the only advice I could give is to get ahead of the message. Eventually, your family and friends will probably find out, so in that case it would be better to tell them up front so you can control how the message goes out.


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## LongWalk

Very difficult.

A person can tell a lie that gets of control.

Does he lie otherwise?

I lied on job applications. I went to college for 4 years. My parents said I needed to graduate. It was true. I had enough credits but I had one incomplete and needed one science course. I just invited my parents to the graduation ceremony but my name wasn't on the list.

I then went to work and wrote on my resume that I had a BA. I just wanted to get and job and figure out some solution. The lie went one as I worked for 4 years. I then went back for semester and finished.

The incomplete was tricky because it was so late. But the professor backed me up since he left on a sabbatical in the middle of the semester and that was the cause of incomplete.

So my degree was rather late. I didn't bother with the graduation ceremony. 

I don't think of myself as a fraudster but in some way I was.

Your husband may have a self destructive streak. Is a good hearted person?

You will always have to watch him now. But he may work hard to live up to your faith in him.

If he lies to you, you must divorce him.

What about children?


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## Kerry

Melissa2014 said:


> Any advice? Opinions? Has anyone else experience this and can offer advice on how you handles it?


Hi there,

Yes, I have been in a very similar situation. I remember that feeling of first discovering reality. It was mind boggling. I'm going to share my story in the hopes that maybe it will help in some way...

I was married for less than a year about 20 years ago. I was always aware of some slight exaggerations, but I excused them b/c they seemed harmless. 

When I found a note that he owed someone money, I was floored. Then, I talked with his mom and she told me some things, including that she'd given him $4k toward fixing up our new house. I told her that I never heard about this money. She said she was hoping he'd changed. It wasn't until after I left that I checked a bit on his employment history and found that he never worked at a place he said he worked. And, yes, he talked as if he did that work and even went out sometimes while we were married to meet friends from that job (WT?).

For months the phrase, "I don't know what to do," ran in my mind constantly. I also took on his little manipulations such as saying in a really casual way, "What would you do if we split up, go back to (home town)?" My home down was not so great, so that felt like a step backward or something. Silly. During this time my father also became sick and passed away after about six weeks. Very stressful.

Then, one day, a friend of mine said to me, "If I were you and I had a mom like [name], I'd pack my bags and tell him I'm going to stay with her for a couple of weeks." That was the best advise for me. She just opened up a new possibility that didn't occur to me in my rather intense state of being. With that in my mind, I then went to a really kind and caring therapist (a friend referred me to him). He said, very kindly, that it would be unethical for him to diagnose someone without meeting them, but that he sounded narcissistic. He explained that it could take many years to overcome, if at all, and that he'd have to be willing to face it and do the work.

I left the therapists office, went home, got my dog and some bags and went to my moms. As I was leaving he asked if I was leaving for good. I said yes. 

As a side note, just two weeks ago someone called for him on my cell phone. Very strange that they found my number...it has been 20 years. The woman said it was a business matter. Who knows what he's gotten himself into.

It doesn't matter what your H lied about, and it doesn't even matter why. What matters is how you feel about being with him. What is your deal breaker in a marriage? For me, lying about money for no reason was a deal breaker b/c I need to know what's real. 

I have a business colleague who tells people he was in special ops. Everyone (except those he meets in passing) knows he's nuts. He also told me that he used to fly planes. The list goes on. We actually don't respect our CEO for keeping him on board (he brings in money though...sad).

Even if you are not thinking about leaving, I suggest you have a plan b "just in case" and be very discrete about it. Make sure your house is in order. Gather up files you need, anything special to you, and even put that stuff at your office or a friend's house. Don't let him know about your plan b, but do have a backup plan. I see so many women wait until it is a panic decision and then they leave in a way that just creates a lot of drama.

This is in no way meant to blame you for his lies, but may I suggest that you really look at and work on what it was in you that ignored some gut feelings that something just wasn't right. Personally, I ran a bit from this aspect of it. I thought I'd worked it all out, but I didn't look at what inside of me was so afraid of some consequence or confrontation that I didn't heed the warning signs. I also caution you to be careful about living on hope.

If you do leave and you work on yourself and on trusting your instincts, you will certainly move onto a better and honest relationship b/c you know how to trust your senses.

You can recover from this. I wish you the very best.

Hugs!
Kerry


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## Wolf1974

Anyone who is this confident and comfortable telling layered lies like this is someone who has no levels when it comes to deception. You will never be able to trust him and how could you?


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## samyeagar

I think others have covered the personal aspects of this in wonderful detail with great advice. I do feel the same empathy for your situation, and what you are feeling is completely valid.

From a broader perspective, in the United States ever since September 11, 2001 things changed. Yeah, I know, I'm bringing 9/11 into it  But ever since then, for the most part, ANYONE with any apparent tie to the military has been granted instant Rock Star status in this country. The simple act of putting on a uniform, whether they have earned it from 25 years of service, or whether they bought it at a garage sale and never spent a day in the service in their life, simply having it for others to see, they are labeled "Hero's", generally no questions even asked. Free food at restaurants, get to go to the head of the line, congratulations, praise, general adoration...all without having to do much of anything to prove it. That certainly doesn't excuse any lies, but the ease in which a person can become a "Hero" is extremely tempting.

I have often thought about making one of those Facebook poster memes that says:

Wearing the uniform doesn't make anyone a hero. It's what they do in it that does.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Melissa2014 said:


> Additionally, my Uncle was a General in the Air Force (the branch husband claimed to have served in), and I can't help but think....if he did even a tiny amount of research on my husband, he would have found this out. So, then, that opens up ANOTHER can of worms? Does my uncle know? Did he tell my parents? Do they know and did they choose to keep this from me? The questions swirling in my head are in a dervish. ugh... this is awful.
> .


This is a natural reaction, but be careful. It is easy to lash out at the people who may have known. You have to remember there is still an entire generation of "live and let live" people in the wold. My Grandparents despised my Ex-Fiance, they knew some things, but they were raised to not interfere in a marriage or relationship. They told me after the fact and I understood their reasoning. I didn't like it and I am completely different, but I understand why it happened.

I am not saying it is right, but if it turns out this way don't let it completely ruin relationships.


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## Starstarfish

> You have to remember there is still an entire generation of live and let live people in the wold. My Grandparents despised my Ex-Fiance, they knew some things, but they were raised to not interfere in a marriage.
> 
> I am not saying it is right, but if it turns out this way don't let it completely ruin relationships.


I think what would bother me more is finding out people knew this -before- I married this guy. I mean - what caring relative wouldn't express concern about you marrying someone who was such a blatant liar?


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## phillybeffandswiss

That adds a different dynamic. She never said her uncle or her family members knew before they were married. I'm operating on them finding out after they were married. 

,As to the in-laws, I'd be mad, but not surprised because some people live by "blood is thicker than water." So, the Father-in-Law's comment doesn't surprise me at all.


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## unbelievable

I can understand why a man might want to lie about being in the Army. We are a prestigious, sexy bunch and chicks dig us. Can't fathom why someone would lie about being in the Air Force.


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## unbelievable

It may be a blessing that he's not actually SF. They are in pretty incredible shape and just a routine round of love-making with one might have left you with permanent brain damage.


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## Melissa2014

New day....

Again....many thanks for kind and thoughtful responses. Writing things down was a good, initial, stabilizer. I have a call in to the professional and have plans for a good long run today.


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## clipclop2

lying on a job interview or on a job application is also stupid. Nice and easy to get fired.


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## Coffee Amore

Melissa2014 said:


> Additionally, my Uncle was a General in the Air Force (the branch husband claimed to have served in), and I can't help but think....if he did even a tiny amount of research on my husband, he would have found this out. So, then, that opens up ANOTHER can of worms? Does my uncle know? Did he tell my parents? Do they know and did they choose to keep this from me? The questions swirling in my head are in a dervish. ugh... this is awful.


If your uncle's rank on retirement is that high, it's not hard at all for him to discreetly make a few phone calls to people who know him/owe him favors to see if your husband is who he really says he is. What I've noticed with the military, and this is quite obvious, is they have close connections to their colleagues, and if they went to West Point or Annapolis, fellow graduates of the military colleges, even after retirement or transition to the private sector. That's why you often see high level military officers working for defense contractors. They know the system plus they have inside connections to others in the DOD. Who knows if something your husband said sparked some curiosity in your uncle. I think it's best to address it with your uncle at some point. I'd imagine that's a difficult conversation to have.




unbelievable said:


> I can understand why a man might want to lie about being in the Army. We are a prestigious, sexy bunch and chicks dig us. Can't fathom why someone would lie about being in the Air Force.


The Air Force has the best looking bases I've seen. They have nicer landscaping and better architecture. Navy bases and Army forts don't even come close.


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## SunnyT

My ex didn't lie about being in the military....but he did lie about a few HUGE things, and exaggerated everything. The exaggerations I tended to let slide. They were to boost his ego. For example, he'd claim to be the President and "proprietor" of two businesses.... technically true altho one was his dad's business and the title was in name only, and the other was his business....so it was true, but he was also the only employee!

Before we got married, we had a baby....when we took the infant to meet ex's parents, his mother said something about how she didn't know he'd gotten a divorce which shocked the heck out of my, because I'd never heard nor had any reason to consider this. She said something about a lady named Linda. Of course I asked ex, he completely denied it.... said he never knew anyone named Linda, and his mother was crazy. (Well, she was a character). 

7 years later (and 4 more babies), he gets into trouble with the law and I find out from his father about a prior child who was then 12 or so, and whose mother's name was LINDA. When confronted, he refused to "understand" my anger/frustration/emotions, and refused to admit that he'd previously denied knowing a Linda. His stance was that he didn't lie, just put it in his past, and didn't feel the need to bring it up. (WTF?)

By then, I was financially stuck. I lost respect for him of course....not only for the lying, but for not telling me of a child....what kind of person does that??? (My best guess is a pretty extreme narcissist!) 

We stayed together for 23 years. It's hard to explain, but mostly it was financial. I couldn't figure out how to make it on one income, and I KNEW I couldn't trust him to have any integrity and take care of his kids. 

His kids and old friends know he is full of BS, and don't take anything he says very seriously. He tends to have new friends often....I guess ones who don't KNOW him, so he can BS them for awhile.

My advice..... get counseling, do NOT have children with him, and leave him. He LIES..... you cannot ever ever be confident with him again....for the rest of your life. He can make efforts, he can act loving, he can sound sincere....and you may not catch him in another lie....but you will never ever be confident about the things he says.


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