# Brother in law ruining marriage



## Ajluv123 (Jul 22, 2020)

So my husband and I have always lived with other people during our marriage(3 years) due to finances first it was rommates, then his sister and niece now ,My BIL has been with us for over a year and has cause so much stress between my husband and I. He lies about having a job, doesn’t help with rent and doesn’t clean or help around the house, and just plays video games all day, but we have no choice because we are renting his parents home for a good price. They allow my BIL to live rent free while we still have to pay .Their was a short time where he moved out but a month later he’s back without warning. I resent him and my husband at this point for the lack of independence on both sides. I also struggle with depression and anxiety and this has taken a huge toll on my mental health. We never had privacy and I’m afraid we never will. I don’t know what to do...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Ajluv123 said:


> I don’t know what to do...


Divorce will solve this problem.


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## Ajluv123 (Jul 22, 2020)

Do you think their is no other options?


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## Ajluv123 (Jul 22, 2020)

Personal said:


> Divorce will solve this problem.


Do you think that’s the best option? I was thinking counseling but idk


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Three years of living with other people, ought to tell you that it's highly likely this is also your future.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Seriously if your husband won't tell his brother to leave, then your husband is the problem as much as his brother is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you and your husband have jobs right now?

How old are you and your husband?

I think that your first goal needs to be for you to take very good care of yourself. This is because it will make it easier for you to handle the negatives in your life.

What are you doing about your depression and anxiety? Are you on meds?

Do you do any kind of exercise on a regular basis?


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## Ajluv123 (Jul 22, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Do you and your husband have jobs right now?
> 
> How old are you and your husband?
> 
> ...


I’m currently not working due to COVID and neither is he (furlough). I’m not on my meds at the moment..I’m waiting for my insurance to go through so I can get on track. I used to exercise but I haven’t in a while.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ajluv123 said:


> I’m currently not working due to COVID and neither is he (furlough). I’m not on my meds at the moment..I’m waiting for my insurance to go through so I can get on track. I used to exercise but I haven’t in a while.


As stated above, divorce is one solution. But it sounds like you don't really want to do that. 

Are the two of you getting unemployment now? I'm asking because I'm trying to figure out how flexible your situation is.

If you were to divorce your husband, do you have somewhere you can go live? Is there a friend or relative who will take you in?

Are you getting on Medicaid for insurance since you are unemployed?

If you were on meds for depression and/or anxiety and then you stopped them, you could be crashing from withdrawal. So you need to take that into consideration too.

Can your husband kick his brother out of the house, or do his parents have a voice in allowing him to live there?

What are the things you do for your BIL besides pay the rent? Does he contribute to groceries? Do you cook, clean, do his laundry, etc.? If you are doing any of these things for him, just stop.

It sounds like you don't have much of an option right no due to your job situation. My impression is that you and your husband cannot just move right now. So your best bet, as I said above, is to turn your focus on yourself. Start doing exercise daily. Walking would be good. If you can get your husband to go with you that would be great because it would also be good together time. Walking helps control both anxiety and depression. It gets you away from your BIL.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Do you ever ask him to help you something? Like cleaning up the kitchen after ha has had a meal there? 

If you don't do his laundry, does he make it your problem?

Does he have his own bedroom? Can you just close the door on it? Or does he let food rot in there?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

EleGirl has a lot of good suggestions, get control of the things you can control like medications and a healthy routine are my first thoughts as you cannot have a clear mind in a muddied situation, you need space to see things without feeling resentful of what is happening around you.

The arrangement between your sharing a house and your brother-in-law sharing a house are two separate arrangements and such are rarely equal when looked at for more reasons than can be guessed , so try not to think of it in any fair/unfair mind, are the in-laws living in the same house?

If you are paying rent, then you have a voice... place some common standards on a list and present it to the parents since they own the house and ask if these are reasonable. If the parents approve, ask for a house meeting with all to establish those rules. If the BIL wants to protest basic cleanliness and responsibility, it will be done in a forum where it will not be your fight alone, but a setting where all voices can be heard and shared.

As a landlord (what the parent's are), I would want my home taken good care of by all and it will allow them a chance to have a more clear understanding of family tensions... someone has to lead, let your calm and organized example walk through the process.

A great hand-holding exercise with your husband, let him know you are in this together as you should be.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Your husband has no right to tell his brother to leave it isn't his house and he doesn't have a lease with his parents. You said they let you live there at a good price that price probably comes with the strings that they decide what is going on and if someone else like brother can live there. Your only solution is to move out. If you and your husband pay your own way you get to make the rules. 

If you and your husband talk with his parents about this situation then they may understand not wanting the brother to live there. What does you husband say? In reality, he should be the one to talk with his brother and parents. If you are comfortable, you can talk with the parents. 

I wouldn't expect much from the parents though. They probably only have one spare house and want to provide a place for all their children who can take care of themselves.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'd say your first step is to get your career situation sorted, so that you can procure employment that will allow you the income to not be subsidized by Mommy and Daddy.
Step two is to work on your relationship. Either attend counseling or secure some self help resources to assist you and your husband to become a true Husband and Wife, instead of being mere roommates.
Your relationship is going to be what you make it, and if you want to stand a chance, you both better figure out how to stand on your own two feet.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Honestly, why on earth did you get married if between the *TWO* of you, you can't even afford a rundown apartment and instead, always have to live with other people? Don't you get tired of living like teenagers who can't support themselves and always need someone else to contribute to their rent and utilities? Actually, ARE you teenagers? That would make it more understandable.

If you're not even mature enough and responsible enough to have your own place, then you have no business being married.

You CHOSE this ****-show with this guy, so now you get to reap the rewards. Sure his brother sucks but guess what? Your husband is no prize either if your entire married lives have been spent depending on OTHERS to help pay your rent. What on earth do you think 'counseling' os going to do? Your financial situation - even when your husband IS working - is dismal at BEST. That's your problem, not how you get along. That's what counesling is for, it's certainly not going to magically change your yearly income and living arrangements. That would be a complete waste of money you don't even have.

Who's supplying the food for this waste of skin you're stuck with? Who's supplying the milk, the bread, the shampoo, the soap, the towels, the internet connection that this douche bag uses for his gaming? Who's supplying all that?

Is it you or is it their mother who's obviously done a bang up job imparting ambition in her sons?

Sadly, you want to continue living in this sleighride to hell so all I can say is good luck.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

You said,” You have always lived with others”, three years now, (red flag)so is not just because of COVID. Your husband has never lived on his own same as your BIL? How old are your husband and BIL?
I feel like they both don’t know how to be on their own and chose tge easiest solution, living in their parents house. Parents probably feel bad for their son, your BIL, they don’t want him to sleep on the street. But think of living with him as a temporarly solution. He is not your problem, maybe only for now. Focus on yourself. Look for jobs and get out of the house once you get a job, don’t wait for the right moment.
When I came to USA I was pregnant and we both didn’t speak English. We stayed at our friend’s house only for a week and then we were on our own. It was hard but I didn’t want to spend one more day with them. Very nice people actually. I would rather live in an empty house with just a bed. And that’s what we did. They found an empty apartment for us, and we left.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you want an unvarnished opinion, your DH is enmeshed with his family to the point it is damaging you and your marriage. He needs to detach, grow the rest of the way up, and stop living in homes owned by his family where relatives can apparently move in and out without contributing like, I don't know, grown ass adults.

It's time to find a rental for just the two of you and leave BIL and the parents house to the parents.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Time for all to grow up and be responsible adults! Three years living with others is too long for a married couple. You can cry about financies or CV-19 but those are weak excuses, when a mature adult wants something they are willing to work and sacrifice to get it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to both be working two jobs and move out.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

What are the obstacles to getting a better paying job? If it is training / education, you may want to consider taking online courses during Covid downtime in order to get credentials/ certification that will put you into a better paying job down the road. More money means more independence and less need to compromise on issues like BIL.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ajluv123 said:


> So my husband and I have always lived with other people during our marriage(3 years) due to finances first it was rommates, then his sister and niece now ,My BIL has been with us for over a year and has cause so much stress between my husband and I. He lies about having a job, doesn’t help with rent and doesn’t clean or help around the house, and just plays video games all day, but we have no choice because we are renting his parents home for a good price. They allow my BIL to live rent free while we still have to pay .Their was a short time where he moved out but a month later he’s back without warning. I resent him and my husband at this point for the lack of independence on both sides. I also struggle with depression and anxiety and this has taken a huge toll on my mental health. We never had privacy and I’m afraid we never will. I don’t know what to do...


Your H is responsible for removing his brother from your home. Tell you H to get it together.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Ajluv123 said:


> we are renting his parents home for a good price. They allow my BIL to live rent free while we still have to pay .





Personal said:


> Seriously if your husband won't tell his brother to leave, then your husband is the problem as much as his brother is.





Yeswecan said:


> Your H is responsible for removing his brother from your home. Tell you H to get it together.


If I understand OP correctly, H has no authority to make BIL leave, all occupants are there by the consent of MIL/FIL.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Not your house... not your family. Control is not something that’s yours to have as long as you continue and accept these living arrangements.

Like it or not I’m sure the money paid is considered his (from husband)....not yours.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SpinyNorman said:


> If I understand OP correctly, H has no authority to make BIL leave, all occupants are there by the consent of MIL/FIL.


Whoever is paying the rent has the say. If the BIL takes issue he is free to leave. If that does not work, find another place to live. The H and parents is enabling this behavior. Marriage be damned.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BIL should live with his parents.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> BIL should live with his parents.


I have a feeling they don't want him, either, and have basically foisted their grown ass manchild off on OP and her husband.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do all you can to both get work and rent a place of your own. Be independant for once.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Go shopping in the man department. You somehow made a purchase in the manbaby section.

I don't see your situation with this fellow improving.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If you'd found yourselves in this situation since Covid started, you'd have more of a leg to stand on. But this has been your normal since marriage. 3 years living with others? Why? That's what you need to focus on. Sell things, find a second job - parcel deliveries are huge right now, become a courier, think outside the box.

Speaking to your inlaws about your BIL won't make a scrap of difference, they're not going to turf their kid out. Not gonna happen. In the meantime, put a lock on the fridge and pantry, keep the towels/sheets/toiletries/laundry liquid etc in a locked cupboard in your locked bedroom, and change the wifi password. Let him figure out how to feed and wash himself.

You're a married couple. Time to learn to stand on your own two feet.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Ajluv123 said:


> Do you think their is no other options?


Obviously you two need to live together...as husband and wife...alone as a family with no other people.

What are the financial futures?
After 3 years a two income family can't afford a cheap little apartment?
What is the situation?
You two need to live on your own.

I mean even the cheapest little one bedroom apartment and peace is better than a house and strife.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Whoever is paying the rent has the say.


No, the landlord(FIL/MIL) has the say. This is basic tenancy.


> If the BIL takes issue he is free to leave.


Anyone is free to leave at any time. Only the landlords can force BIL to leave.


> If that does not work, find another place to live. The H and parents is enabling this behavior. Marriage be damned.


H has no power to change BIL, he is not enabling.


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

There isn't anything you can do. His parents let you live there cheap, so until you move out, you don't really have any say here.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Either you move or the BIL does, since you can't make him move you are going to have to be the one. Parents may change their tune when they stop getting any rent money at all.


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