# Infidelity and circle of friends



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Hi guys, sorry that I have been less active than before in this section but I managed to reduce my anger and despair at a bearable level and don't want to risk to trigger it back.

I spoke about a certain circle of friends that me and my ex wife had. They screwed up big time, in my opinion, and I have the same amount of resentment towards them that I have towards her.
But to be honest, they've been really helpful. Especially with their testimonies, they managed to save me the trouble of being in court.
Not a day passed without one of them trying to call me, text me or email me. The few times I replied back was to tell them to go to hell and never try to reach to me again. But it didn't make them stop and I'm starting to feel that I'm the bad guy here.

I don't know if I'm incorrectly second guessing my decision, but it's hard to remain angry at people that made way more efforts to apologize than the main one at fault.
Some people may consider what they're doing as harrasement, but I really start to feel bad at ignoring all their efforts.

My mind isn't really made up. So I wanted to know what you think about all of this ? Did you have friends that were somehow implicated in the affair and should I give them another chance ?

*More details:* They're eight. Most of them knew about the affair before I did. Some of them told me that they were seeing it coming as my ex wife would only shut up about the other man when I'm around. And two of them saw my wife kissing a guy briefly before we got married.
But they gave her a hurricane of s*** when she tried to publicly humiliate me and they testified against her which greatly reduced the costs and duration of the trial.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

It will be disappointing that your friends were enabling her affair.
You can now understand who friends are.
Rather than getting angry with them, ignore them and move on.
I hear you are trying to overcome your anger.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Right now, I feel like saying, all of the so-called friends we had can go f themselves. I hope it happens to them. If those are friends, what are enemies?


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

So you are mad they didn't tell you about the affair, their suspicions and the pre-marriage kissing? You have ever right to be upset and cut them off from your life.

This same group defended you when your ex tried to rip you up in public AND testified against her in court saving you money and precious time. They are also continually trying to check in on you and apologize for their poor actions.

It sounds like good people who made a bad mistake, finally realized it and are trying to make amends to a friend they don't want to do without. It is hard to hold that against them.

Do you remember when you found out about your ex wife's affair? How you didn't know what the hell to do? It seems like they didn't either.

I would understand why you would never want to reconnect with them but to hold resentment towards them? There is no point in that. You are also denying yourself closure in this one limited area of your affair.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Falene said:


> So you are mad they didn't tell you about the affair, their suspicions and the pre-marriage kissing? You have ever right to be upset and cut them off from your life.
> 
> This same group defended you when your ex tried to rip you up in public AND testified against her in court saving you money and precious time. They are also continually trying to check in on you and apologize for their poor actions.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Torri 

Falene makes some good points here and you would do yourself a lot of good to reconsider these friends on a one by one basis:

what did they know 

when did they know it

and how did they help her enable the A and how they helped you in the D


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Falene said:


> This same group defended you when your ex tried to rip you up in public AND testified against her in court saving you money and precious time. They are also continually trying to check in on you and apologize for their poor actions.
> 
> *It sounds like good people who made a bad mistake, finally realized it and are trying to make amends to a friend they don't want to do without. It is hard to hold that against them.*


:iagree:

Torr,
I our country , Ive seen the same thing happen especially to men. Sometimes in laws know and they say nothing for fear of being ostracized from the social circle , because they were " troublemakers .'

Sometimes people don't like to get involved in the " domestic affairs " of married people,so they just keep their tongue.

In your case I suggest you keep your friends. They made a mistake, maybe because they didn't want to cause you discomfort and pain.
But eventually pain came.
However, " all is well that ends well."
They have redeemed themselves.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Our former circle of friends weren't implicated in the affair, however the xOM was the bff of one of the guys since college...about 20 years. When everything came out and I outed the xOM in a big way, his wife decided to divorce him.

I was blamed by the former friend as the one who broke their marriage up because I exposed to the xOM's wife. I was blamed for her divorcing him. The two bff's happily run together with the rest of the circle. Regret and I dropped them - even after 14 years of being friends.

Again, while they didn't explicitly know during the affair, they all claimed to be un-biased toward either couple. Until I exposed. Oh, well. Don't need friends like that.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Our former circle of friends weren't implicated in the affair, however the xOM was the bff of one of the guys since college...about 20 years. When everything came out and I outed the xOM in a big way, his wife decided to divorce him.
> 
> I was blamed by the former friend as the one who broke their marriage up because I exposed to the xOM's wife. I was blamed for her divorcing him. The two bff's happily run together with the rest of the circle. Regret and I dropped them - even after 14 years of being friends.
> 
> Again, while they didn't explicitly know during the affair, they all claimed to be un-biased toward either couple. Until I exposed. Oh, well. Don't need friends like that.


SD, so the xOM and his wife did divorce? You did retain some friends after exposure?

Curious, is the friendship as deep, deeper or more superficial now after the affair was outed?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

His wife did divorce him. Not only heard about it, but also saw their home sold. I shouldn't feel good about that. But I do.

I don't know what their bff friendship is like except to say only 1 couple stayed friends with us - they're a newer couple to the circle of friends. As for the xOM and bff guy, well...apparently, the xOM stays at their house on the weekends cuz he's got no one else around as friends. Boo f'ng hoo. When I was blamed for the divorce, Regret and I decided pretty quickly that the friends that sided with him were no longer friends. I told Regret I'd like to ask them one question: Who does his wife blame for their divorce?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> His wife did divorce him. Not only heard about it, but also saw their home sold. I shouldn't feel good about that. But I do.
> 
> I don't know what their bff friendship is like except to say only 1 couple stayed friends with us - they're a newer couple to the circle of friends. As for the xOM and bff guy, well...apparently, the xOM stays at their house on the weekends cuz he's got no one else around as friends. Boo f'ng hoo. When I was blamed for the divorce, Regret and I decided pretty quickly that the friends that sided with him were no longer friends. I told Regret I'd like to ask them one question: Who does his wife blame for their divorce?


Dig, it's pretty effed up when the OM gets no blame in his marriage ending but you, the innocent betrayed , takes the rap for it. 

Aren't people just great.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> His wife did divorce him. Not only heard about it, but also saw their home sold. I shouldn't feel good about that. But I do.
> 
> I don't know what their bff friendship is like except to say only 1 couple stayed friends with us - they're a newer couple to the circle of friends. As for the xOM and bff guy, well...apparently, the xOM stays at their house on the weekends cuz he's got no one else around as friends. Boo f'ng hoo. When I was blamed for the divorce, Regret and I decided pretty quickly that the friends that sided with him were no longer friends. I told Regret I'd like to ask them one question: Who does his wife blame for their divorce?


Sorry for the hijack everyone....

I never really understood how you got blamed for the xOM having an affair with your wife. That is just illogical at best. Was it because you exposed? You should have just kept that little nugget to yourself? /boggled

The OW in my case, moved out of state with her fiance (my husband's best friend and coworker). I hear they are planning on breaking up. For some reason, it brings me no comfort, quite the opposite. He has a daughter that basically had no mother at all and that little girl loved his fiance very much. I am sure it was much of the reason he decided to marry her. I love that little girl and the thought she didn't get the good mom she deserves has always bothered me.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

When I was about 19 I want to a gig with my fiancee (now my WW). I met a long standing friend there and saw him with a girl I knew had been cheating on him. I thought he had finished with her because of this.

I took him to one side and told him what had been going on. He didn't speak to me again until after he caught her at it about 6 months later. 

I can see why some friends might not want to tell you and I am not sure I would blame them for it.

We all have different circles of friends - some closer than others.

My favourite saying? A friend is a man that would help you move (house). A real friend would help you move...a body.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> I can see why some friends might not want to tell you and I am not sure I would blame them for it.


Chris, you make a good point. However, I would be compelled to send an anonymous letter to my friend. At least he (or she) would be on guard.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Falene said:


> Do you remember when you found out about your ex wife's affair? How you didn't know what the hell to do? It seems like they didn't either.


I gotta say that what you wrote just hit me. I never thought about it like that.
I was so caught up in my anger, that I didn't stop to think this way for a second.

It's out of the question that I would get angry at them if they exposed her to me, or that I wouldn't believe them. We were so close, that I wouldn't think for a second they're making it up. But, still, it's hard for me to admit, but I would be scared to tell me, my ex was cheating on me.

I think, it's time for me to write an email.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Dig, it's pretty effed up when the OM gets no blame in his marriage ending but you, the innocent betrayed , takes the rap for it.
> 
> Aren't people just great.


Yes...very effed up indeed. I get blamed and didn't even get laid!! LOL




Falene said:


> Sorry for the hijack everyone....
> 
> I never really understood how you got blamed for the xOM having an affair with your wife. That is just illogical at best. Was it because you exposed? You should have just kept that little nugget to yourself? /boggled


Illogical is honestly the only way Regret and I feel, too Falene. It WAS because I exposed. THAT is exactly the reason we were given. Basically, I "should have let them deal with it without interfering". Ummmm...she wouldn't have ever known if I didn't tell her! /boggled and /flabbergasted


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I guess this is a good example of where the messenger gets shot, huh?

I guarantee you this though, had you not exposed they would have blamed you for not saying something or not saying it sooner.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Torrivien said:


> I gotta say that what you wrote just hit me. I never thought about it like that.
> I was so caught up in my anger, that I didn't stop to think this way for a second.
> 
> It's out of the question that I would get angry at them if they exposed her to me, or that I wouldn't believe them. We were so close, that I wouldn't think for a second they're making it up. But, still, it's hard for me to admit, but I would be scared to tell me, my ex was cheating on me.
> ...


I think you are going to make some friends very happy and I know for sure you are going to feel better no matter how the friendships continue into the future.

*hugs*


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sometimes people, even real friends doesn't know how to handle infidelity. I've seen it many times. And i have to admit I once chose to look at the other side and detach from a friend couple to avoid conflict and because honestly didn't know what to do then.

If I recall those friends not only knew (or at least suspected) about your wife's affair but once the sh1t hit the fun they set up you an encounter with her under the guise of a "dinner" to forget the nightmare for a while. I think you are very hurt mostly due that dinner. I even suspect you were probably cooling off and probably woul'd given your wife another chance if not for the set up. A blessing in disguise.

Again I see it as a poor way to manage things that are not easy to manage . But I can understand, being friends to both, they succumbed to your wife's pressure and manipulation. They chose poorly not respecting your wishes but with no malice. They wanted you together again, a couple of the circle in bad shape. They probably now regret it. Since your wife went nuts after that they are trying to make amends. It matters. To me it matters. Forgiving is good for the soul, I believe. Nonw if they are toxic to you well... drop them forever.

Another thing is if they encouraged or covered your wife's scapades.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Torr, there is a poster here, who father an mother knew an never said anything.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Torr, there is a poster here, who father an mother knew an never said anything.


Why ? Why wouldn't they save their child ?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Why ? Why wouldn't they save their child ?


I Can't imagine any reason, above all becuase they knew it was serial cheating, which they only shared after he caught the current OM and dumped WW. It was an incredible story.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Well, I hope their decision was for the better.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I'm sorry if I'm making this thread solely about me but just wanted to say that I finally settled on a version of the mail and sent it this morning.
Thanks guys for your advice.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Mate, I hope you make real friends. In fact if you have no real friends then by all means go find some RIGHT NOW.

You will see the difference from real and fake friends when tested with fire. Real friends do not let anyone detract about you, they defend you, and see the best for you. 

How many times have bad friends exacerbated an affair? Toxic friends must always be rid of in order to have a less chance of tripping in marriage. 


Rid yourself of these straw men and find yourself real life scare crows.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Tori,
We know you are hurt.
Who cheated is your wife and not your friends.
Friends did not alarm you when the affair was going on.
Since you you are cheated by the closest person, and that too unexpectedly, the hurt takes a very long time to heal.
Stay strong. Getting angry is easy. Courage is staying above that.
Take care.
AU


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Yes...very effed up indeed. I get blamed and didn't even get laid!! LOL
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Dig!

Yours was one of the first, if not the first posts I read when I washed up on TAM's shores.

Since then I have often pondered how I would respond to these people.
I have scoured libraries for literary inspiration.

I have searched the internet and trawled through page after page of information looking for a salient point.

I have reminisced through my data bank of life stories and experiences to find a similar situation in my life.

I have consulted with world renowned experts on situations like this and discussed the matter with friends and family to obain their valued input.

I have condensed all this advice and information and arrived at a wholly appropriate and succint response.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
F**k 'em



Sorry for jack Torrivien


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Chris, you make a good point. However, I would be compelled to send an anonymous letter to my friend. At least he (or she) would be on guard.


Excellent point. 

I found out by anonymous emails, and letters. 

I am glad this person did this. 

I think in the future I would do the same.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I give your friends credit for standing up in court for you. And the sad truth is that most people are unwilling to step into someone else's marriage and reveal an affiar. I would say that if they have apologized and you have expressed your disappointment, then the friendship might be worth saving.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> I'm sorry if I'm making this thread solely about me but just wanted to say that I finally settled on a version of the mail and sent it this morning.
> Thanks guys for your advice.


Please let us know how things turn out.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I'm a bit curious, how did they come to be in court? Did your WW ask them to come testify on her behalf, not knowing they would tell the truth?


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Falene said:


> So you are mad they didn't tell you about the affair, their suspicions and the pre-marriage kissing? You have ever right to be upset and cut them off from your life.
> 
> This same group defended you when your ex tried to rip you up in public AND testified against her in court saving you money and precious time. They are also continually trying to check in on you and apologize for their poor actions.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. A lot of times, friends don't know how to tell you about these sorts of things. They were probably afraid that they would lose you as a friend if they DID talk to you about it. Just my opinion...


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Before I would have not really know what an appropriate course of action would be if I discovered infidelity in my circle of friends. Now I would not hesitate to expose, even to hammer the truth home to the bs, so they can't easily rugsweep, or fall victim to gaslighting.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> Please let us know how things turn out.


Thanks guys for all your precious advice.
I got thrilling email responses and we all agreed to meet friday night at a bar we used to go to. 
It's not gonna be easy but I'm happy to see them again.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Just tell them you don't wanna be set up with your ex again!


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Just tell them you don't wanna be set up with your ex again!


Lol, will do.


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