# Emotional Thinking



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I was reading on another site earlier, and a poster made a statement along the lines of how much it sucks to be an emotional person.....and this was after an exchange where they said another poster's very logical and realistic comment was 'cold'.

It got me thinking.

I see many posters on forums who talk about how they 'wear their heart on their sleeve' or can't bring themselves emotionally to take a difficult decision such as filing for D, or ending an A, or implementing the 180 because it's too hard.

They always say they KNOW that the facts they are being told or the advice they are being given is right.....but they just CAN'T bring themselves to act because of how they feel.

They often just fall back on identifying themselves as worthless and weak.

I think these posters have misidentified the issue they are having.

It's not that they are emotional......it's that they are emotional thinkers/decision makers.

EVERY human being has emotions IMO.....it is impossible for us to stop having feelings about what is happening in our lives.

Fear, rage, sadness, despair......ALL humans experience these emotions when stressful and painful incidents occur.

So in reality, we are ALL emotional people.

What matters is this though.....Does a person let their emotions/heart 'take the wheel' when deciding on a course of action to deal with the crisis?

I feel I was lucky in regards to this in my leadership training at the Naval Academy.

My instructors would repeat to us over and over that when it comes to making decisions under high stress, 'the heart is a f*cking traitor' as one of them succinctly put it.

We were obviously being trained for the huge emotional stress that is combat, but A LOT of the lessons are applicable to any major stress situation in life, such as infidelity.

I remember being told:

If you're in combat......you WILL see your friends and men under your command be killed or wounded. And if you react by letting your rage, or pain, or despair, or fear....in other words your emotions......guide your choices, you are going to fail as a leader and probably get yourself and more of your men killed.

In recent years, as I have read on TAM and other boards in an effort to better understand how and why my FOO was wrecked by infidelity, I have noticed a similar pattern in many situations.

Many of the posters, both on the BS and the WS side, who seem to make mistake after mistake in trying to get themselves and their Ms out of infidelity (whether through R or D), almost consistently make statements that show they are letting their emotions drive their decisions.

And their responses to logical and realistic comments or 2x4's is to either call them 'cold', or 'harsh', or to whine about how they wish they could do it but their heart isn't ready or they can't bring themselves to take that step.

I know none of this is new to long time posters who are active here on TAM.....and it shows in so much of the advice they post to new BS or WS that arrive.

But I just wanted to post a statement that was general in nature and not tied to any one person's individual situation or facts to clearly make this point:

It is natural and OK to have strong emotions when faced with infidelity and its consequences in your life.....in fact, there is no avoiding them.

But if you want to get yourself and your partner out of the h*ll that is an A, whether you are the victim or the guilty party, you CANNOT let those emotions be the reasons/causes of the decisions you make.

Does it suck emotionally to have to file for D, or to disclose your cheating to your BS, or to expose the A to family, friends, and the OBS?.......YOU BET IT DOES.

But you can't let the fact it sucks become an excuse to not make the tough decisions......not if you want any chance of getting out of the painful h*ll you currently find yourself in.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I'm an emotional thinker and I agree with you.
We emotional Thinkers though don't know how to separate the emotional thought from the actual action. 
I know I try...but I agree with @notmyrealname4 some people don't have the tools to be able to delegate emotions from actions.
I think that is where some of the conflict that you see on these boards exist. Many of the seasoned posters know this is what you have to do...detach completely. But to someone going through the exact same thing feeling the exact same thing that the OP does makes them think that these seasoned posters are heartless. Which is not true
The best in any situation would be to turn off the heart and think with your head...very hard to do though. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I agree with you.
> 
> And so would the emotional thinkers.
> 
> ...


I could not agree more......it IS difficult.

The main thing that was stressed to us in training as a way to keep a grounded focus, while all around you is chaos and your own head is often swimming was this:

Remain IN THE MOMENT as much as possible.

React to what is happening at present.

So much of emotional thinking involves PROJECTION into the future possibilities....for an example, instead of focusing on what just happened, and the most logical step to address it, your mind starts running with the fear of what possibilities the event MIGHT bring in the future.

You become so focused on the 'what ifs' that your emotional state is imagining that you start letting these POSSIBLE outcomes determine your choices rather than what is logically the best choice in the present moment.

A great example often seen on infidelity boards is this:

Exposing a newly discovered A to OBS and family/friends is logically the best step to kill the A ASAP.....yet so many times we read posts from a BS who starts saying, 'But if I do that it might get WS really angry and push them away and make them leave/ask for D.'

In this situation, the BS is letting the POSSIBILITIES suggested by their emotional turmoil dictate their decision rather than the logical option best suited to the present circumstance.

So, the best chance of avoiding these types of emotion driven mistakes is to struggle as hard as you can to STAY IN THE MOMENT as much as possible.

Don't react on what MIGHT happen.....react to what DOES happen.

And yes, once again, it IS difficult....you really have to force your mind to focus and stop your thoughts and imagination from running into the realm of 'What if...'.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

I recall the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I also recall the author made a fortune trying to make us out to be much more different than we really are. If I were to write a book, I'd title it "Men are human, and so are Women". Or maybe even the simpler "People!". And then discuss how we're basically a like in terms of the really important stuff, like emotional needs and wants and desires There's way too much over emphasis on our supposed "Differences"..some use gender to define an entirely different species....which only makes attachment more difficult, to say nothing of reconciliation.

Humans are by definition very emotional. We're also very cognitive, the "Thinking species", although I often wonder about that. There aren't "Emotional thinkers", that's an oxymoron....there are those who react emotionally and then cannot use their cognitive abilities to control the emotion..and those who can. 

The task is to exert control over the emotional forces we experience so we can work thru the issue using our brains. That's a lot simpler than this false dichotomy about how people "think". And maybe that's why the adherents of such nonsense experience more unresolved conflicts. Or, make a lot more money peddling books that are more psychobabble than helpful.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The way it works is that emotions change the weights of the various factors that influence our decision making. 

Look up Damasio's somatic marker hypothesis. In simple Wikipedia terms, "When making decisions, these physiological signals (or ‘somatic markers’) and their evoked emotion are consciously or unconsciously associated with their past outcomes and bias decision-making towards certain behaviors while avoiding others". So these biases impact - often in minute but important ways - the process.

In other words it's your friendly neighborhood feedback loop... good past experiences and positive emotions or negative create those markers that influence or bias decision making.

While you're at it, you'll find how little we know about the whole process. Some neurophysiology measurements can be used, or clever experiments set up, but to go from basic emotions and basic decision making to the complex stuff is a bit more than we can currently handle 😂


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Unicus said:


> I recall the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I also recall the author made a fortune trying to make us out to be much more different than we really are. If I were to write a book, I'd title it "Men are human, and so are Women". Or maybe even the simpler "People!". And then discuss how we're basically a like in terms of the really important stuff, like emotional needs and wants and desires There's way too much over emphasis on our supposed "Differences"..some use gender to define an entirely different species....which only makes attachment more difficult, to say nothing of reconciliation.
> 
> Humans are by definition very emotional. We're also very cognitive, the "Thinking species", although I often wonder about that. There aren't "Emotional thinkers", that's an oxymoron....there are those who react emotionally and then cannot use their cognitive abilities to control the emotion..and those who can.
> 
> The task is to exert control over the emotional forces we experience so we can work thru the issue using our brains. That's a lot simpler than this false dichotomy about how people "think". And maybe that's why the adherents of such nonsense experience more unresolved conflicts. Or, make a lot more money peddling books that are more psychobabble than helpful.


I agree completely with what you say actually.

Emotional thinkers is just 'short-hand' for describing the process you described as 'those who react emotionally and then cannot use their cognitive abilities to control the emotion'.

I agree with you that there is no false dichotomy here.....because I firmly believe that ANYONE can indeed learn to settle their minds 'in the moment' for the most part.....it takes focus and mental discipline, and some will always find it easier than others, but it can be made into a mental habit by anybody.

I also think that John117 made some excellent points about the power and influence of past experiences and memories on our emotional state when faced with a life difficulty.

People with previous negative experiences will naturally have stronger emotional reactions to incidents than those who have positive or neutral memories.....the feedback loop he described is a perfect way of defining it.

This makes the struggle to focus the mind much more difficult.

He is also correct that there is a great deal we do not yet understand about how the mind and decision making process truly functions.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Actually it's all a cognitive process... seek to maximize gain and minimize risk 😂 that's part of our genetic programming.

At some point based on an individual's preferences the stars align, or not.


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