# How to work up the tacks to end it?



## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

I've really decided I don't want to be with her anymore. The problem is that the day after an argument she is over it and moves on and just wants things to be back to normal. She has done this for years. She acts like everything is perfect and I am SOOOOO weird and borderline crazy for still thinking there is an issue.

So because so much time has passed since the argument but I am kind of holding a grudge I can't really just sit her down calmly and end it - then I look like the bad guy when I am not. I have done EVERYTHING for her.

Does it really matter how or when I say it, it's just saying it that counts? 

It's so conflicting and hard to deal with the emotions I feel right now. I look at the dissolution documents and feel relief. Then I think about telling her and feel nothing but pain and pending regret.


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## happysong (Jun 18, 2010)

Telling your spouse "its over" is never easy or fun. Especially when you are completely on different wavelengths, where your wife acts the next day after a big fight like nothing happened and you hold a grudge for days. 

She will probably tell you, you are crazy to want it "quits" since she thinks there is nothing wrong with the marriage. But you know what is really wrong. Don't worry about being the bad guy just cause you are ending something that has already ended long time ago. You are only making it official. 

But just to be sure, are you really sure you want "quits"? Your question did not give any details. I am sure you have solid reason to want a divorce, I just dont know from what you ahve written. You are the best judge, but if you are slightly unsure even, then give it a chance. Talk to friends or a counselor. Be 100% sure there is no rescuing your marriage before you say "goodbye".


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

I still haven't pulled the trigger, and admittedly it's because of the post you made happysong. It's both a good and a bad thing because emotions run wild and I KNOW it's the right thing to do... but add a bit of doubt and my confidence fades. It's probably a good thing because it is forcing me to be 100% sure of what I want to do.

The problem is my life isn't getting any better day to do and I feel like I am losing grip and patience. I can't even talk to her anymore without getting mad - she's such a depressing person.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

I am in the same boat, but opposite ends. My husband goes around thinking everything is just peachy after a fight, and it isn't. I have tried to "pull the trigger" several times, but I feel that the bad one, and feel sorry for him, so I keep staying in the house. I know I have to pick up the kids and leave, but I can't find the courage to do it. Good luck to you!


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

daisykay said:


> I am in the same boat, but opposite ends. My husband goes around thinking everything is just peachy after a fight, and it isn't. I have tried to "pull the trigger" several times, but I feel that the bad one, and feel sorry for him, so I keep staying in the house. I know I have to pick up the kids and leave, but I can't find the courage to do it. Good luck to you!


To you also Daisy. That's where I am at. No matter the issues, she is always the victim. Not to mention financially dependent on me. She has plenty of family that would take her in but I don't know... I just can't seem to "toss her to the wolves" so to speak. 

I have spent 4 years "worrying" about her and taking care of all of her needs and to not do that feels unnatural, and at the same time so liberating. I'd love to focus on me for awhile.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

That is what I am trying to keep my mind on, focusing on me. My husband is very controling, and to get out of that would be so freeing and I think of that. One day!


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

I've just told her I need a break. She is packing up and going to a family members house for now. As with women with BPD, I am now the bad guy. I am learning to cope with this, but I feel guilty. I guess that's why we've made it this long, she has been abusing my qualities for so long.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

Hang in there. There will always be a bad guy in a breakup, just as long as you feel confident with your decision, then you did the right thing. Stay Strong!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

jeffreygropp said:


> I've just told her I need a break. She is packing up and going to a family members house for now. As with women with BPD, I am now the bad guy. I am learning to cope with this, but I feel guilty. I guess that's why we've made it this long, she has been abusing my qualities for so long.


My wife certainly doesn't have BPD. But she abused my qualities for just too long so I know where you're at. We get to the end of our tether, then we break it.

Bob


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

Well - no one in her family will take her in. I guess she abused them for too long too and no one has the space all of a sudden.

So now she is back at home, pretending like nothing happened as with all of the other times. Sending me IMs all morning at work "want to have lunch" as if nothing has changed.

I am really unsure what the next step is here. I'm disconnected and done but she doesn't get that. I suppose I just get a new apartment and move out? She said she won't leave the house, it's "hers." Unsure how she will pay for it considering she hasn't worked in years and has no intention of doing so.


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## trinidadmauby (Apr 5, 2010)

I know that feeling of guilt u r having. especially since no one wants to have her. i dont have all the steps but i feel that i am a step ahead of u in the emotional part of it. give in to ur guilt. do not fight it. so now u r guilty and u feel that u have to take care of her. then do it. what do i mean. u will always stay once u refuse to face the guilt. once u do u will find a way to get rid of it. make sure that she is able to take care of herself. do not argue and then demand that she gets a job. that wont work. u gradually find a way for her to be independent of u by being tactful. that may also include u cutting out some of ur bills and putting that money aside for the future. change ur lifestyle subtly so that she gets accustom to less and u r able to save for ur new apartment. pretend that u have left already and u still have to support her. what would u do differently what would u not spend ur money on. start looking for a job for her and find a way for her to think it was her decision. a stay at home job. online? telemarketing. in other words plan and prepare to leave while using tact and compassion.


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## luvadd (Aug 31, 2010)

I too am in the same boat. I'm done with my marriage and he just refuses to accept it. I've been honest about my feelings and I just don't know how to end this. I feel sorry for him but I'm tired of being his mother. I'm sure this is what I want for myself but I just don't know how to end it???


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

luvadd said:


> I too am in the same boat. I'm done with my marriage and he just refuses to accept it. I've been honest about my feelings and I just don't know how to end this. I feel sorry for him but I'm tired of being his mother. I'm sure this is what I want for myself but I just don't know how to end it???


Go out on your own, rent an apartment and move your things out. Or move in with family. Or get a storage unit and store your things and move in with someone for awhile until you figure out your next move.

You don't need permission to leave him. You don't need his help to move. Just go move.

I haven't done it yet because my situation has gotten a lot more complex. But this is what I was about 5 minutes away from doing. The apartment was rented and everything.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I was in a hopeless marriage for nearly 10 years. Belittled, financially exploited, basically reduced so low I was ashamed for my kids to see me that way. I looked at my life and realized I was going to die. Maybe tomorrow, maybe two years, maybe 40 years, but it was going to happen. Whatever time I had left on earth, I didn't want to spend being miserable and pathetic or constantly treading someone else's drama. You fight the battle bravely, but if there's no reasonable chance of success, you don't just continue to destroy your army. You salvage what you can and get out. Investing 10 years in a lost cause is sad, but it beats investing 20 years.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Ditto with you. That's so much like my situation. Only, I have pulled the trigger and found an apartment. Moving out next weekend. Admittedly I'm starting with nothing at all, but when the house sells I'll be more secure. It's the thinking about IT that does your head in. Once you make up your mind and do IT, then cry about IT for a few weeks, suddenly you're only responsible for your own future, and that's refreshing.


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## luvadd (Aug 31, 2010)

daisykay said:


> I am in the same boat, but opposite ends. My husband goes around thinking everything is just peachy after a fight, and it isn't. I have tried to "pull the trigger" several times, but I feel that the bad one, and feel sorry for him, so I keep staying in the house. I know I have to pick up the kids and leave, but I can't find the courage to do it. Good luck to you!


It's scary to see how many of us are going through the same thing. But at the same time it's good to know that not only I'm taking my time on the whole separation/divorce. I've been very vocal about my feelings towards my husband and he walks around acting like theres nothing happening. I know he hurts as much as I do because there's no interaction between us. We walk by each other like two strangers. We have nothing to say to each other but he refuses to leave the house. I too feel sorry for him but I'm losing patience and seeing him around irritates me even more. I just want tranquility and peace in my life. I don't love him and refuse to spend my life with someone I don't love and be miserable for another 20 years


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