# massages and porn behind my back



## Yvonne Rose (May 29, 2017)

i have been married nearly 20 years. We have two children who are getting closer to independence and have built a life together. I am a pretty open person who is willing to try new things in life and in the bedroom and my husband still recently told me I am the only woman in his fantasies. However, he recently booked three massages behind my back (after telling me for ovwr 20 years that my body was only his) baed on recomendations from his female coworkers. While dialoguing about why he was deceitful and how ut broke my trusr, he also informed me he is using porn online to masturbate. we had a very healthy sex life but recently he became more dominant and sexually aggressive. i think it comes down to a sex addiction but the lack of respect for my feelibgs and our commtment has left me feeling thst I will never trust him again and he is bordering on betrayal and adultery because we promised to always be honest and open and to never involve another person without coming to the other first.
I want to end the marriage because of this infidelity. I realize that he did not commit a sex act with another person yet ( as far as i know) but as a Counsellor myself, I all to well know the signs of a marriage that is over.
Any words of wisdom from either perspective. I have big decisions to move forward with and it has a huge impact on all of my family's lives. So sad this is happening but know that it has spiraled to an all time low.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Massages based on recommendations from his female co workers?? Why do you think these are not regular massages? The porn would only be concerning to me if he was whacking off instead of keeping you satisfied in the bedroom.

The term 'sexual addiction' is easy to throw around, but unless he is willing to go to a CSAT for a proper diagnosis, don't label him. He might just use it as an excuse then.

Are you actually looking for reasons to end the marriage? If so then just end it. If he did in fact go for 'happy ending' massages, he sure as hell DID commit a sex act outside the marriage and deserves to have his ass kicked to the curb.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yvonne Rose said:


> i have been married nearly 20 years. We have two children who are getting closer to independence and have built a life together. I am a pretty open person who is willing to try new things in life and in the bedroom and my husband still recently told me I am the only woman in his fantasies. However, he recently booked three massages behind my back (after telling me for ovwr 20 years that my body was only his) baed on recomendations from his female coworkers. While dialoguing about why he was deceitful and how ut broke my trusr, he also informed me he is using porn online to masturbate. we had a very healthy sex life but recently he became more dominant and sexually aggressive. i think it comes down to a sex addiction but the lack of respect for my feelibgs and our commtment has left me feeling thst I will never trust him again and he is bordering on betrayal and adultery because we promised to always be honest and open and to never involve another person without coming to the other first.
> I want to end the marriage because of this infidelity. I realize that he did not commit a sex act with another person yet ( as far as i know) but as a Counsellor myself, I all to well know the signs of a marriage that is over.
> Any words of wisdom from either perspective. I have big decisions to move forward with and it has a huge impact on all of my family's lives. So sad this is happening but know that it has spiraled to an all time low.


What is your exact qualification in counselling?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Are the massages above board. If they are being recommended by females they may well be. I know there are those which are not but could you be wrong about this?
Porn is an issue.
Have you actually talked to him about how you feel, what does he day, what is he willing to do to put you at ease?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Unless there is a sexual side of these massages...it's a massage!!! Lord I need one badly, my husband wouldn't be upset. As far as the porn...u say that he's beginning to be aggressive in bed. Maybe he's just trying to spice things up and watched it and tried that? If ur not into that TALK TO HIM! As for just watching porn, that's not infidelity. Obviously u have a sex life, is he watching porn instead of being with u? How often is he watching it? Every day, every week? Without talking to him, I think I may be over reacting a bit. U have every right not to like the fact that he watches porn. Why haven't u sat down and talked about it? Is he rejecting u? From ur post, I think u may be insecure, and the thought of another woman being within ten feet of him, sexual or not, or him having a sexual thought about another woman makes u feel inferior. It shouldn't! Human beings are sexual creatures. My husband watches porn occasionally, and obviously is aroused looking at another woman, but that doesn't phase me. I know he's attracted to me and we have an active sex life. If he got a massage it wouldn't bother me either, unless like another poster said, "happy ending" was involved, then yeah that's out right cheating. Talk to him and maybe some couples counseling and some for just u may help. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

OP, respectfully, I think you may have your own issues that you need to get over. You are labeling actions as cheating and infidelity, when they are nothing of the kind. You claim to be considering leaving a 20 year marriage, but you are really trying to grasp as straws to find a reason. If you are trained in counseling, as you claim to be, I think it may be best to take some time for self reflection and determine where this is really coming from.

Some specific words of wisdom, based on your original post, from a 39 year old happily married man:
1. Your husband talking to female co-workers about massages is not cheating or infidelity.
2. Your husband getting a massage (from a male or female) is not cheating or infidelity.
3. Your husband watching porn is not cheating or infidelity. If your husband watches porn in which the actors/actresses perform acts that you will not do for/with your husband, this is probably his outlet to experience these fantasies so as NOT to cheat on you. If your husband watches porn, and it negatively impacts your sex life to the extent that your needs are not being met, then you have every right to address that aspect (but only that aspect) of his porn usage with him.

(For the record, I'd have no problem with my wife engaging in any of this behavior, either)

From your post, it seems like your husband has a higher sex drive than you, and his needs are not being fully met by you (it's a very old story on this site). Since his needs weren't being met, he turned to some porn, probably found some act or fetish that turned him on and later tried it with you when you were being intimate. You call it "sexually aggressive". He'd probably call it "trying something new." 

I'm sorry to say, but I think this a complete and utter overreaction on your part...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It sounds as though this one part of your post may be fraught with the most import: "we had a very healthy sex life but recently he became more dominant and sexually aggressive."

I think it would be important to expound on your statement with further explanations in order for others to be able to help. The statement is vague, to say the least. 

When you say you had a very healthy sex life, just what did that mean? Did your husband think you were having sex often enough and trying enough new things? Did you speak with him often about your sex life, and you were certain he was fully satisfied with your sex life? Was it actually a robust and active sex life, with great sex several times a week, for instance?

Then there is the issue of his dominant and sexually aggressive behavior. Just what do you really mean by that? Please explain in detail? That may be play acting which was not scary, or it may be your kind way of talking about violent and mean actions on his part. We can't possibly tell from the short description. And so much import lies in the way he approached it. It does sound as if he may have gone about it all wrong, and frightened you.

I wish you well, whatever path you need to follow.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Massages based on recommendations from his female co workers?? Why do you think these are not regular massages? The porn would only be concerning to me if he was whacking off instead of keeping you satisfied in the bedroom.
> 
> The term 'sexual addiction' is easy to throw around, but unless he is willing to go to a CSAT for a proper diagnosis, don't label him. He might just use it as an excuse then.
> 
> Are you actually looking for reasons to end the marriage? If so then just end it. If he did in fact go for 'happy ending' massages, he sure as hell DID commit a sex act outside the marriage and deserves to have his ass kicked to the curb.


Have you checked out the place where he has the massage?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Have you checked out the place where he has the massage?


Important information asked by MattMatt.

Was it therapy massage for pain that he has told you about? I wouldn't like my husband getting a massage either, unless it was strictly therapeutic, and given by a male, or a very ugly female. (seriously)

I don't condone the use of porn in my marriage either, and neither does my husband (although he was using it, and has stopped because it goes against his own morals and common sense.) You will find people on this website have differing opinions about porn and other thing.

When he told you about using porn, did you tell him what you think and feel about it? What was his response?

I seems your biggest issue with his behaviors is that he broke your trust. That is difficult to get back. The first step is communication, and getting on the same page, or having some sort of agreement. If he keeps it for a long time...he might earn your trust back.

I've learned that once trust is broken, some people can regain it, others cannot. I'm one who has a difficult time trusting again if it is broken a second time. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Personally, there are warning flags, but no red flag of cheating. 

the OP is making some huge assumptions about what is going on. She may be right or just "projecting" her own thoughts about how she might want to end the marriage.

A massage can be just a massage. Even if the massage involves some sexual stimulation it may or may not be a reason to end a marriage. Seriously, it would be an infidelity, but is this a reason to end your marriage even if it was? While the answer could be yes, it might also be no.

That is a question that only you and your H can answer. Before you file divorce papers, you might want to talk to him and if necessary schedule some marriage counselor time with someone you don't know. There are clearly trust issues that need to be resolved in your marriage.

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yvonne Rose said:


> I want to end the marriage because of this infidelity.


Do it. Odds are HUGE that he's been cheating on you the entire marriage.

Find someone better.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Porn = OK

Sexual massages = Cheating (unless you have been refusing him sex)

he is a bad dude, wail into him


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> Porn = OK
> 
> Sexual massages = Cheating (unless you have been refusing him sex)
> 
> he is a bad dude, wail into him


You do realise that the OP has not yet established on this thread that they were sexual massages?


The fact that the massage therapists were recommended by his female work colleagues might make this less likely.

But if the OP does not return, we will never know.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> Sexual massages = Cheating (*unless you have been refusing him sex*)


Excuse me?????? This is bullcrap. I can refuse my husband sex if I want to and he DOES NOT have the right to get whacked off in a sex parlour. He has the right to divorce me, or work with me to figure out why I am refusing sex, but not to do THAT.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> Excuse me?????? This is bullcrap. I can refuse my husband sex if I want to and he DOES NOT have the right to get whacked off in a sex parlour. He has the right to divorce me, or work with me to figure out why I am refusing sex, but not to do THAT.


True, but as someone who use to train for endurance events, I can tell you that there are a lot of good therapeutic massage parlors that give great deep tissue massages with no sexual stimulation. Getting a massage from a licensed massage parlor is not going to a prostitute for a hand job. In fact a lot of health insurance plans will pay for massage associated with athletic injuries. 

I think that the assumption that a massage is all about sex, shows how up tight many are about nudity and touching.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Yvonne Rose, how is it going?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> True, but as someone who use to train for endurance events, I can tell you that there are a lot of good therapeutic massage parlors that give great deep tissue massages with no sexual stimulation. Getting a massage from a licensed massage parlor is not going to a prostitute for a hand job. In fact a lot of health insurance plans will pay for massage associated with athletic injuries.
> 
> I think that the assumption that a massage is all about sex, shows how up tight many are about nudity and touching.


OK, you totally misunderstood me. I was reacting to the statement that sexual - SEXUAL - massages are fine if the woman isn't putting out. Not the OP. I get massages all the time myself and know exactly what the difference is between the sexual kind and the OK kind


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> .... I get massages all the time myself and know exactly what the difference is between the sexual kind and the OK kind


:surprise: And just how do you know the difference between the two types?

Seriously, yes, a therapeutic massage should be no big deal to anyone. Sorry if I jumped the gun. Even if the wife is not putting out, I don't think that a guy should get an automatic hall pass for a hand job at some "rub and tug." .

Personally, the fancy sheet/towel folding that some masseuses have done on me is kind of an amazing thing to behold. When I did endurance events no matter how much stretching and foam roller work I did, I was always amazed at how a really good masseuse could find tight muscles and relax them a couple days prior to a race.

I always found that when I told people that I would regularly go in for a weekly massage while training, they would assume it was for sex as opposed to therapy. It got to the point that anytime I said I was getting a massage, I would say a therapeutic massage from a legitimate health services provider.

I think that as a society people are very uncomfortable with taking their clothes off and especially uncomfortable about having someone who is not their spouse touch them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> :surprise: And just how do you know the difference between the two types?










Porn???


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