# In desperate need for help



## iammine (Jan 17, 2017)

Some background. DH and I are mid thirties. Together 12 years, married 4.
Im going through a really tough time with my husband because he cannot figure out how to get past me and his mom not having a relationship due to her disrespect and our great dislike for one another. It's a long, sad story filled with hurtful words and tears in otherwise a happy relationship. My MIL has cast an ever present cloud over our marriage and my husbands lack of affirmative action due to fear of losing his mother has put starting a family on hold and is suffocating our marriage. My MIL has accused me of robbing her of her son after we married. She says she has the right to interfere in my marriage because my husband is her son. She has me rethinking my whole life with my husband.

I am trying to get him to understand the meaning of leave and cleave, which is hard because we live 1 mile down the road from this passive aggressive narcissist to plays on people's heartstrings to get what she wants.

Can someone, anyone give advice on who should come before the wife in a marriage. It's my impression a wife should come first no matter how uncomfortable a man may be to save his marriage. 

Leave and cleave? Do you think a spouse should come first? Should I divorce? Losing battle? Opinions? Advice?
tx


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The wife should come first. Just as the husband should come first for the wife.

The only caveated I would put on that is that if the wife is being unreasonable there is a problem. In saying this, I'm not suggesting that you are being unreasonable. Only stating my point of view.

What cultures are you and your husband from?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If your MIL and her family were true and ardent followers of God, then they would know, all too well, that the precepts set forth in the Book of Ephesians 5:31(NIV) by the Apostle Paul, thereby commanding that "a man shall leave his father and mother and take himself a wife, and with her, they shall become one flesh and he shall love her just as Christ so loved the Church!"

Enough said!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have to sit your H down and explain to him that

1. in marriage the spouse comes first, always
2. parents should not interfere in the marriage
3. If he is not exactly aware of what his mother is doing, record her in action. Keep a VAR handy for any encounters
4. Tell him if she is not willing to meet you half way then you may not have a future together. Bringing children into this mix esp if she lives only a mile away will be an issue

On the other hand, inlaws often get better when the kids come along because they are scared to be left out of the grandchildren's lives. Remember you have the power.


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## iammine (Jan 17, 2017)

I agree with you about either spouse being unreasonable changing the circumstances, but I assure you that I am not, and have suffered mercilessly watching as my husband not do all he can do. There is only one way to get my MIL to understand the damages caused by her lack of boundaries and my husband is not willing to offend her to the point she will cut him off. We are middle eastern, and many woman of her age from that culture can be very over bearing and stubborn as MIL's who will never show she's done any wrong to a girl half her age. Too much pride to even think of such thing.

I have tried many times, for him mind you, that I turn the other cheek from his mother because it pains me to know he is sad and feeling conflict, but currently I am dying within and my parents who truly love my husband are now telling me they may think it's best I walk away. I cant seem to have a marriage without in MIL in it, or a husband who is willing to put me ahead of her completely. Counselling didnt work, turning to friends didnt work. I feel disrespected and now feel as though I will never start a family and have the marriage I thought I would have.


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## iammine (Jan 17, 2017)

They pretend to be followers of God. Going to church, attending church functions and wearing a cross around their necks are the only things they do to consider themselves religious.


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## iammine (Jan 17, 2017)

Ive had the sit down many times in 4 years. So have family, friends and therapists. He feels as though telling his mother that he will no longer have a relationship with her until she respects me, boundaries and us as a couple, will jeopardise their relationship and her upset will cause her to never speak with him again. Also, as years go by, my husband is making more excuses for her behaviour which turns my stomach and proves to me even more she has control over his mind whether he sees it or not.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Not that it should matter, but she didn't show this behavior before you got married?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

iammine said:


> Some background. DH and I are mid thirties. Together 12 years, married 4.
> Im going through a really tough time with my husband because he cannot figure out how to get past me and his mom not having a relationship due to her disrespect and our great dislike for one another. It's a long, sad story filled with hurtful words and tears in otherwise a happy relationship. My MIL has cast an ever present cloud over our marriage and my husbands lack of affirmative action due to fear of losing his mother has put starting a family on hold and is suffocating our marriage. My MIL has accused me of robbing her of her son after we married. She says she has the right to interfere in my marriage because my husband is her son. She has me rethinking my whole life with my husband.
> 
> I am trying to get him to understand the meaning of leave and cleave, which is hard because we live 1 mile down the road from this passive aggressive narcissist to plays on people's heartstrings to get what she wants.
> ...


Spouse first. 

Has he always been a mama's boy? Seems strange to me. 

Hell....I haven't even spoken to my mother since....maybe 1999 ish


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You obviously can't make him change if he doesn't want to. Unfortunately, yours is not a rare problem. Sometimes it resolves itself and sometimes not.

How long do you plan to give him?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I'm sorry your going through this. I have a MIL similiar to your and my husband will never say anything to her. It's a culture thing as you know.
So the reality is... your MIL will not change, and your husband will probably never "disrespect" his mom by standing up for you. The only realistic thing you can do is set hard boundaries for yourself. Be nice and kind to her (she will learn that things are better when you and her get along). If she crosses a boundary... leave her house. Drive separate from your husband. And she will learn slowly what not to do and what not to say. If she is under hot roof and she crosses a boundary say something to her firmly. If she disrespects you, firmly stand up for yourself. "If I'm so bad, Then why are you here?" 

This is what I had to do with my MIL Bc my husband wouldn't stand up for me. Be firm and respect yourself and your boundaries. Don't get emotional, don't tell, don't disrespect them at all because you don't want to give them any ammo. 

Or the other option... is divorce.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I'm sorry your going through this. I have a MIL similiar to your and my husband will never say anything to her. It's a culture thing as you know.
> So the reality is... your MIL will not change, and your husband will probably never "disrespect" his mom by standing up for you. The only realistic thing you can do is set hard boundaries for yourself. Be nice and kind to her (she will learn that things are better when you and her get along). If she crosses a boundary... leave her house. Drive separate from your husband. And she will learn slowly what not to do and what not to say. If she is under hot roof and she crosses a boundary say something to her firmly. If she disrespects you, firmly stand up for yourself. "If I'm so bad, Then why are you here?"
> 
> This is what I had to do with my MIL Bc my husband wouldn't stand up for me. Be firm and respect yourself and your boundaries. Don't get emotional, don't tell, don't disrespect them at all because you don't want to give them any ammo.
> ...


This is a really good advice. I also had a situation whether my in laws became very detrimental to my marriage and my wife wouldn't back me up at all. The only way I could deal with this was to leave when I thought I was being disrespected. The only thing that you can control is your reaction and I chose to not disrespect them in return. The only way this was rectified was, sadly, both my in-laws passed away. The damage was done though, this was one of many things that has killed our marriage. My wife became the person I could no longer go to for help or encouragement or really anything at all. I have to rely on others for that. Our marriage is dead partly due to them. I hope the same doesn't happen to you.


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## iammine (Jan 17, 2017)

.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I draw very clear lines. And these are just basic forms of respect imo. My in laws are very "traditional" and sexist and I get it's their culture but I don't want that in my house, or around my future kids. I made it very clear that when I'm in their house I respect their rules and the way of doing things, but in my house you respect my rules and the way of doing things. It's all about mutual repeat. 
As far as them verbally disrespecting you.... stay calm, and be super direct and call their a$$ out. That's what I do. Be rational and really direct, it will take their breath away and really they can't say anything Bc your right as long as your firm, non emotional, and matter of fact. 

Example: I had them over for a holiday. My MIL made a dish the night before. I woke up to my FIL complaining non stop about the dish and how it didn't look good and she didn't use enough ingredients and he was talking to my husband. I being the feminist I am felt that it was so wrong to be complaining about it, he kept going on and on and it was Easter morning. I kept my mouth shut but when he finally said something to me like... Katie look at this dish, doesn't it look terrible! I said calmly and matter of factly.... if you don't like it, don't eat it. He looked at me like I just disrespected him and he was dumbfounded. And I just said... it's not that big of a deal if you don't like it don't eat it. It was nice of your wife to make it and your complaining about it. It's simple, don't eat it. And I continued to do what I was doing. I wasn't mad. I was speaking the truth and he was so shocked he couldn't speak.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I loved my mother, however, she had a deep abiding hatred of my wife. It took me a very very long time, and had my father not developed alzheimers, the truth would have never been known. Essentially, my mother opposed my marriage. My older brother got off scott free as he was the favorite and his marriage was advantageous for my mother socially. OTOH, I met THE girl, and was smitten. My mother did everything in her power to hurt my wife. She showed up to our wedding wearing a white dress. She lied intensely about my wife. Repeatedly remarked that she had taken me away from them. Nothing could have been further from the truth. When I had a business failure and had an affair, my mother rubbed my wife's face in it. When we reconciled, my mother did not speak to me for two years. Eventually, my father developed dementia, and when he started a shouting match with me, he stumbled and admitted that their finances were horrible, and the expectation was that I should have not gotten married, but should have stayed in their basement and supported them in a lifestyle that they wanted (I'm a professional and make fairly good money). She backed that up by saying that she was going to get me fired, and attempted to call my employer at the time. My boss, being a good sould, told me that my mother really needed professional help. Really? What twisted reality did that come from? Once the truth was out in the open, I referred to them as monsters. Let my older brother know the score and he said write them off. I came back for awhile when my dad died. Then went 180, and took care of her maintenance and arranged for services for her. Eventually, her utter lack of care for herself caused a string of strokes and she damned me to hell for putting her in a facility. A good and dutiful son, we visited weekly, usually resulting requiring a cool-down period afterwards. 

Iammine, I know this from the son's perspective. It is an evil loop, and her hold must be broken. I was lucky enough to have it all laid out in front of me. I knew that my mom was not a paragon of virtue that I was told to love and put on a pedestal. You have this toxic being in your marriage and if you do nothing, she wins. I can't give you any advice other than to protect yourself.


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