# Reverse Bait and Switch?



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

We all know that when actions and words don't exactly match, it's a red flag that should be watched. My issue, that I have been thinking about for a while now is sort of a reverse bait and switch.

My SO have been together for about nine months now, and knew each other for a month or so before then. We met online and were both actively seeking a relationship, so that put a slightly different dynamic in place from the beginning. We emailed, texted and talked on the phone for hours every day. In fact, we still do. We accomplished in weeks what many couples take months to do. We basically laundry listed what we wanted, expected, would and would not tolerate and so on. We discussed religion, politics, kids future goals, and of course sex.

When we began talking about sex, it became clear very quickly that she has a much more formidable past than I do. Part of the discussions were about things like frequency, oral, foreplay, kink, how long sessions last. We were both very open and straight forward. We were pretty much on the same page with everything. She described herself as one and done, but doesn't O through PIV and doesn't really need to O every time. Not really big into acrobatics or being on top much. Three times a week was a good number, bj's to completion but no swallowing, mild hair pulling, ass slapping.

Last night she said something in bed that reminded me of this issue again. She said that every time I go down on her, she always remembers the very first time I did, which was on our second date, because that was when she knew she was never going to let me go. Since then, we have been having sex 7-10 times per week, often more. She initiates a significant portion of that, never says no, sometimes O'ing multiple times, wanting to O every time, PIV O's, gets on top, swallows, basically very different from what we initially talked about before we slept together.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining in the least! I am just trying to figure this out. I fully understand and expect that things may slow down a bit in time, perhaps to the levels we initially talked about, but she is far more sexual than she portrayed herself when we were talking. I understand that the normal bait and switch is portraying yourself, both talk and actions, as far more sexual than you are just to hook the person, and then when you have them, shut it down. Everything she said was perfectly fine with me, as are her actions but I guess what I am wondering is why her actions are different than her words?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

many factors come into play when it comes to the female orgasm

1) age- as women hit the mid thirties the lining of the vaginal wall becomes thinner and many women will often get more sensitive and achieve more orgasms as a result. They hit their sexual peak. (is she in her thirties)
2) the biggest sex organ is the mind- you must rock her world and get her excited sexually. The more they want it the easier it is to orgasm.
3) it is possible her previous lovers were not that great. perhaps she didnt have the emotional connection she needed during her wilder past, perhaps she just had bad luck with guys who were looking to get off and dump her.


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## BruisedGirl (Apr 4, 2013)

Maybe at the time she spoke about her sexual needs/desires she was just getting to know you and you her. 

Now that time has passed and she feels more passionately about you her needs/desires have changed, or increased. 

I let my guy know that I was a a very sexual person with a high drive and he said he was too. I'm not sure that we went into as many details in conversation as you and your gal did, we just kind of learned each other. I've learned his drive is much lower than I expected and we are now having problems in that area. 

I'm guessing you're wore out or her drive overwhelms you?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"We emailed, texted and talked on the phone for hours every day. In fact, we still do. We accomplished in weeks what many couples take months to do."


This doesn't really directly address your overall "question", but I just wanted to point out that the above quote is actually a common mistake people make while dating in the technology age.

Getting to know each other can only happen over time. Just because we rush into a relationship, talk/text/skype all the time, share everything we can think of right out the gate....doesn't actually equal the same thing as:

learning each other through different circumstances and situations

+

actual dates in real life

+

time passing

=

getting to know each other


Too much, too fast in any relationship causes a false sense of intimacy. Any time you are "sharing everything" in order to "get closer", you really are fooling yourself because you cannot make time go faster. The only way to really KNOW each other is over time.

So when you move too fast, you create a false sense of "knowing each other" and a false sense of intimacy, when what is really true is that you don't actually know each other yet, you just thought you did. Obviously from this point, if the other person "seems different" than what you thought they were once you actually DO let a little time pass and actually get to know each other, then you can be assured you had falsely assumed you knew each other better than you did.

If a person is "right" for you, and if you are going to be with them, and if you might end up together forever...then there is never a reason to rush things. There is no rush to "get to know each other", because you have your whole life to get to know each other. To say something like "we did in days/weeks what others do in months" isn't actually a good thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are a better lover than she's had before.

You are meeting her emotionally needs very well.

She has a very strong emotional attachment to you (love).

You are doing all the right things and she is reacting in the way a woman does when all of their needs are met and their man is a good lover.


Be happy.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She was probably being conservative in your early discussions in case she ended up not being so into you.

Sounds like she's more into you than she expected to be.

I'd just be happy she was happy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> "We emailed, texted and talked on the phone for hours every day. In fact, we still do. We accomplished in weeks what many couples take months to do."
> 
> 
> This doesn't really directly address your overall "question", but I just wanted to point out that the above quote is actually a common mistake people make while dating in the technology age.
> ...


It's interesting that you bring this up because in some ways, I have been hyper sensitive in looking for red flags. Looking for the differences between words and actions, almost to a point where I feel it may be unfair to her. We have spent copious amounts of time together, including day to day routines. We have both spent a lot of time with our respective families and friends. We spend a lot of time together, just us doing mundane to exciting things. We have learned a lot about each other beyond the technology over time. 

Perhaps I over simplified my statement earlier. We both knew what we were looking for especially as far as boundaries and deal breakers. We did get those out in the open pretty quickly because neither of us felt like wasting our time, so yeah, those kinds of things were check listed. Things like dealing with joys, grief, bad days at work, day to day frustrations, can only be learned through time.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Then you should figure what you know about her now is real, what you thought you knew in the first few weeks and months, was just speculation.

So if what you know about her now is that she is totally sexually into you (which is what it soundes like), then great, right?

What is her relationship history?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Most women love to talk about the inner sl*t before they start up a relationship.  I'm really happy for you. If I ever have a next time I it will be like yours.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Quote:" basically *very* different from what we initially talked about before we slept together."


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Then you should figure what you know about her now is real, what you thought you knew in the first few weeks and months, was just speculation.
> 
> So if what you know about her now is that she is totally sexually into you (which is what it soundes like), then great, right?
> 
> What is her relationship history?


Aside from sex, everything has lined up between words and actions which is why this stands out to me.

To go along with what you were saying earlier, another thing that can only be learned through time is conflict resolution. We have only had a couple arguments and I was very satisfied with our resolution skills. She fights fair and has no problems apologizing, and neither do I.

She makes no bones about it that she's into me as I am her.

Her relationship history...she had a very wild youth but got married in her early twenties. She has been divorced for four years. Her ex husband was verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. He cheated on her multiple times and finally left her.

She has had one serious relationship between her ex and me that lasted for about a year and a half. That ended about six months before we met. When it ended she had completely emotionally detached and didn't even cry.

Generally speaking, she has had mostly bad relationships, though not all bad. I have not pressed for any real details regarding her past sex life because I really don't want to know the details, as I am prone to mind movies. I don't know an exact partner count, but it is past the teens. We are both std free.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You are a better lover than she's had before.
> 
> You are meeting her emotionally needs very well.
> 
> ...


See thats the thing I guess. I am coming at this from a sexless marriage to a NPD woman POV.



Almostrecovered said:


> many factors come into play when it comes to the female orgasm
> 
> 1) age- as women hit the mid thirties the lining of the vaginal wall becomes thinner and many women will often get more sensitive and achieve more orgasms as a result. They hit their sexual peak. (is she in her thirties)
> 2) the biggest sex organ is the mind- you must rock her world and get her excited sexually. The more they want it the easier it is to orgasm.
> 3) it is possible her previous lovers were not that great. perhaps she didnt have the emotional connection she needed during her wilder past, perhaps she just had bad luck with guys who were looking to get off and dump her.


She is 37 and I am 41



BruisedGirl said:


> Maybe at the time she spoke about her sexual needs/desires she was just getting to know you and you her.
> 
> Now that time has passed and she feels more passionately about you her needs/desires have changed, or increased.
> 
> ...


Oh neither. I'm prefectly OK with things the way they are  I just found it curious that her behaviour towards me is so different than her own self description of her needs, wants, and desires.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Before my husband I didn't know what good sex was so I really had no idea what I was really like ya know. I mean sex was fun and nice but I never felt crazy desire. When you get good sex it can turn you into a bit of an animal!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wasn't that sexual and didn't O much before my husband. I think it's a combination of the fact that I met him at 31 and was coming into my peak, and the fact that my ex hb was selfish in bed (and in many other aspects of his life). I was wildly attracted to my hb when I met him but was still more vanilla, as I got more comfortable with him and started to realize just what he had to offer sexually I not only became more open but started to want more myself. I think that even though the initial flames will always fade our sex life has continued to improve as time goes by. It can happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> Most women love to talk about the inner sl*t before they start up a relationship.  I'm really happy for you. If I ever have a next time I it will be like yours.


THanks  And seriously, there are women out there that if you treat them how they want and need to be treated, and not necesarily how you think they should be treated, good things happen. I am convinced now more than ever that good women who love sex are way more common than we men ever thought


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I am convinced now more than ever that good women who love sex are way more common than we men ever thought."


GOOD. Then we unicorns are finally getting our message out there.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Them unicorns you speak of need to where neon signs on their breasts.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> what I am wondering is why her actions are different than her words?


Isn't that a question for her to answer? I'm tempted to say "she lied". 

One of the things you have to watch for is people shaping themselves to fit what they think meets your ideal. Two to three times a week is a really safe provisional answer because it is the average and threfore makes for compatibility with the greatest number of people. 

If she is just luvin' it with you, great.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Isn't that a question for her to answer? I'm tempted to say "she lied".
> 
> One of the things you have to watch for is people shaping themselves to fit what they think meets your ideal. Two to three times a week is a really safe provisional answer because it is the average and threfore makes for compatibility with the greatest number of people.
> 
> If she is just luvin' it with you, great.


That is quite possible. One of the things about her that I absolutely love is the fact that she tends to tell it like it is and doesn't say things just because others want to hear it. I have payed close atention to that in her interactions with others. There were other issues that she made it quite clear where she stood.

ETA: I think we will try to have that conversation tonight. Thanks.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Them unicorns you speak of need to where neon signs on their breasts."

Sorry, our union says that would cause a traffic hazard.

So instead we are required to look like every day normal women.

Once in while I wear my T-shirt that just says SL*T in huge letters though. Seems people think I'm trying to be funny when I do that, so normally that doesn't work either.

Thus my endless sex talking on websites....


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You and she are in the honeymoon stage, and things will slow down considerably in a few weeks/months....7-12 times a week is just a good brisk pace, not excessive at all. Relax and enjoy the ride. She obviously digs you and is in to sex....That is NOT a bad thing.....There is a CW song called "You're going to miss this"....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

This is the "bait" part of bait and switch!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Sbrown said:


> This is the "bait" part of bait and switch!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


it's always better to be safe than sorry... Mr. Sbrown might be right, and he might be wrong. Hopefully he is wrong, but what if he is right?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

She has the hots for you baby, enjoy it. Great sex does wonders for a woman, sounds like you are bringing out the best in her. Don't stress or try to look for a non existant negative.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Well, at Wiserforit's suggestion, my SO and I talked about this last night. It was a good conversation, but it did dig in a more detailed way into her past than I think I would have liked, and been comfortable with, but as they say sometimes you get what you ask for. I hate the mind movies, but that is a different topic. I suppose the shortest summary would be that my nickname should be 'Tequila' because I make her clothes fall off.

This topic is something she has actually thought about herself as I also said that 2-3 times per week is what I wanted. She had initial big concerns with the fact that I had been in a sexless marriage, and had not really had sex in four years. The fact that I had not had a bj my entire marriage was a red flag as well because she took that as it likely meaning I would not perform oral either. Add to that some ED issues and she was very concerned.

She has been sexually active and adventerous since her early teens She said that from the very beginning, sex once a week and she would get very irritable and out of sorts, and more than three times, if she had to, she would feel like it was a chore. She was orgasmic almost from the very beginning. She rarely wanted more than once per day. This is how she was, like clockwork from the beginning. She has had great sex, and lousy sex, with a lot of guys who were older, a few younger, bigger, smaller, but her desire had remained constant. What she told me in the beginning was the truth as she knew it based on how she knew herself from her entire lifetime of experience.

I am very different sexually from any guy she has ever been with. She has not felt any sexual pressure from me. I am the first guy she has been with that wasn't a walking hard on, and I am the first guy she has been with who has had any type of ED issue. She didn't really know how to deal with it at first, and she didn't deal with it well, and frankly, neither did I because it had never been an issue before. We have mostly worked through that.

She couldn't fully explain why things are so different with me, at least not in a way I completely understand. Part of it is almost certainly her age, being 37. Other things she tried to explain was that there was certainly a spark, more like a volcano, from the very first instant. As is being discussed in another thread, on our first date, she indeed was wondering about how I would be in bed, size, fingers, tongue and all that. She actually discussed that with some friends and they came to the conclusion that I would be terrible in bed since I was so good in every other way. She feels that I am emotionally supportive in ways she never know or dreamed of. She has never felt so beautiful in her life. She has a sense of security she has never known. She has never been with anyone she has considered smarter than she is. She feels like we are working towards the same things, and not going in different directions. I make her laugh, and get her humor.

When we're in bed, she doesn't think of her own pleasure with me because she just knows it will come. She feels things in ways and places she never knew existed. She hasn't touched her toys since we've been together because as she put it, I'm better. She's had more O's since being with me than she has had combined the rest of her life.

Women, I guess I don't fully understand this becase I have never experienced anything like it. Are the ties between the sexual and non sexual really that strong and interdependant in you? Is this simply a case of what we men have heard about, that this is what happens when you fulfill her needs and truly open a womans mind and capture her heart?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Is this simply a case of what we men have heard about, that this is what happens when you fulfill her needs and truly open a womans mind and capture her heart?"

Yes, that is what it is.

You will still need to be aware that this is a new relationship so you don't know for sure what the long range sexlife will be like...but keeping that in mind just means knowing that this change that has occured for her can change even more...in fact, her sex drive can still go UP, as well as down or even out. Just understand that is normal, too.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I met my now wife when I was 18....She was 20, a single mom, and totally off men. We were thrown together during an emergency, and started dating. I am sure she had no sexual expectations of me....When we finally had sex it was like throwing gasoline on a fire...We both literally exploded....There is such a thing as people just being sexually "Made for each other"...She had enormous PIV orgasms from the first time and every time. It was like magic. It reminds me of your quote:

When we're in bed, she doesn't think of her own pleasure with me because she just knows it will come. She feels things in ways and places she never knew existed. She's had more O's since being with me than she has had combined the rest of her life.

Enjoy....I know I did....

the woodchuck


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

plus you are in the honeymoon stage as well dont worry this will slow down eventually


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> ...
> *You will still need to be aware that this is a new relationship so you don't know for sure what the long range sexlife will be like...but keeping that in mind just means knowing that this change that has occured for her can change even more...in fact, her sex drive can still go UP, as well as down or even out..*


Indeed! :iagree::smthumbup:

Mr. OP, Enjoy what you can for now, balance all aspects both positive and the negative (considering you just went out of a bad marriage), but still, tread very very carefully... 

The last thing you want is to get baited and switched... but being too careful could ruin your chances as well..


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Wiserforit said:


> One of the things you have to watch for is people shaping themselves to fit what they think meets your ideal.


Wiserforit has a good point here.

I got burned really bad in my early days by a woman like this.

I still think she's probably just really into you because I have hope this type of person is rare and I was just really unlucky.


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