# Husband quit giving oral



## amyls77 (Oct 7, 2013)

I need some advice regarding sex in my marriage. I have a couple of issues and I would really appreciate some feedback. I have been with my husband almost 6 years. I love him and I am happy with him but there are some things that just bother me. He does not perform oral sex on me and he doesn't ever French kiss me. And before someone says it, I'm not nasty or stinky. We did these things when we were first together. I had some serious health problems for a while and we didn't have much sex and I really didn't want oral sex because I just did not feel good most of the time. Well, that is over and I am better. He has not resumed giving oral sex and I have brought it up three times. The first time he said, "I didn't think you wanted me to." I told him that was when I was sick. He still didn't go down on me. I brought it up again and he said the same thing and my reply was the same. I brought it up a third time and, you get the point. Anyway, we don't have enough sex which I have brought up too but in his defense, he has a very demanding job physically and it seems like he works all the time. But, I just think that maybe something is wrong with him or me because we only have sex about once a month and I ALWAYS have to initiate. 

Over the weekend, we had sex and I took a shower right before thinking maybe he would go down on me but it was a no go. I am really upset and not sure what to do. I give him oral sex every time we have sex and sometimes he gets just a good ole bj. Another thing, he doesn't French kiss when having sex or any other time. When we first got together we slobbered all over each other. And, our lack of sex makes me feel weird when we do have sex. This sounds kind of stupid but I kind of feel like I am with a stranger. I don't feel comfortable when we are having sex like I should with my husband. Has anyone else experienced this type of feeling before? The above mentioned issues have taken a toll on my self esteem. I feel like he treats me like just some nasty skank because he won't swap saliva with me or go down on me. And, seriously I'm not nasty or dirty. But, he makes me feel like he thinks this way because of these things I have mentioned. Please give me some advice. Thank you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would just quit giving him any oral, don't be all pi$$y about just don't do it. when he asks very lightly say I though you didn't like oral because you never return the favor. and I don't like doing it for someone who dosen't do it back. But if you want to start out with giving I would surley return the favor.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Yes, I can relate to what you are saying. My H only recently started giving me oral and we have been married 18 years. 18 years of the voluntary lack of it does affect your self esteem. In your brain it can get turned around into you believing that they are only having sex with you to humor you - and are so unattracted to you that they can only bear touch you with their penis. 

My H and I finally had to turn a corner and both had to adjust to a new reality. I went to therapy and he started being more willing to do different things and also to be more cognizant of showing me through actions that he desired me and found me attractive. It is a difficult dynamic to change, though. For instance last week he was ill. He also travels for work. Due to circumstances it ended up being 10 days since we were intimate. One of those days was my birthday. He didn't seem to be bothered a bit about this gap and it was so easy to fall back into blaming myself as I always had. 

Also if your husband is like my husband it is like pulling teeth to get information about these things. I still have no adequate explanation for 18 years of no oral. In the interest of new starts I didn't press him for long about the reasons behind it. We just agreed to move forward. However, when your partner gives you no reasonable explanation to work with - it's so easy to turn it into 'I am not desirable or attractive to this person.'


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Same advice here. I give my wife oral almost every time we had sex (its been over a year due to her problems with urine leakage). Once we gets things started again I will not perform oral on her unless she wants to return the favor. She has stated she doesn't like to but she has on numerous occassions in the past but its just not fair and I will plainly tell her that without emotion or drama


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I forgot to add in my post - you will need to decide for yourself if you want to continue to give your H oral. 

While withholding is fair and should be expected - I also recognized in my situation that taking the oral away for him was only going to degrade the quality of sex we were having. I had no guarantee that withholding oral would result in me getting oral. Only that the whole deal was going to get more blah.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Oral is one of my favorites, I would really be hurting if my wife said no.....I almost always have to ask for a bj, but she does it...that is when we have sex, not near often enough in my opinion


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I dont get it...I am mid 40's and have had a LOT of sexual partners...I have been to muff town on a LOT of women and have NEVER EVER experienced a bad taste or smell...

I LOVE it...to me there is nothing more intimate than going down on a woman...

however, if your going down and he aint...time to stop!!!

I remember dating a girl for 3 months, REALLY liked her...I went down on her left and right...she even nicknamed me "the muncher" and she LOVED it...however, after 2 months she NEVER EVER went down on me...Im not one to shove a sisters head in my crotch, or beg for it...but one day we were watching the movie "kids" and one of the kids said "women luv to suck deek"...my girl made a noise and said "nope,...not ALL of us"...I said "you dont like to smoke the pole, do you" and she said "never have, never will"

Well the next month it was rough but I didnt go down...she dumped me because I punished her for not giving me oral...you, she got that right...


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## amyls77 (Oct 7, 2013)

Thanks for the advice I have gotten. Any comments on the lack of kissing? To be honest, after I thought about it, the only time he really touches me is when we have sex and then, the only part of him that touches me is his penis and that's when it's in my vagina. Any thoughts on this? There is no foreplay other than the blow job he gets every time we have sex. Before, I would kiss on him, etc. but, he would just lay there and not reciprocate so I quit doing it. I felt kind of stupid doing that when he wasn't doing the same. Before anyone mentions it, I have wondered if he is getting it somewhere else. He is 39 and I am 36 so, I definitely think normal people our age do it far more often. However, our sexual situation (more like the lack thereof) is the only thing that makes me wonder if he is cheating. But, when we first got together, the sex and foreplay was so passionate. What is happening? Any thoughts on this one? I do appreciate those that take the time to respond to my questions. Thanks, Amy.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Have you talked to him about the change in sexual behavior?


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

Your situation is very much like mine. My wife and I have been married for 21 years and we have a very poor sex life. We have sex the two times a month her hormones spike and it makes me feel like crap. There is no French Kissing, not much touching, no nudity and really not a lot of any foreplay. I come away from sex feeling as empty as I do after not getting it for a couple of weeks. My wife will kiss me on the lips like we are 12 and on our first date and after a couple of pecks on the lips she wants to know why I am not hard yet? Being rejected by the person who is supposed to love you is very hard. In my case I am still close to the same weight I was when we married, still have my hair, try to keep myself put together and still I get rejected. I have tried a few things that have had some short term results but at the end of the day having sex with someone who is not into it is as bad as not having sex.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> Your situation is very much like mine. My wife and I have been married for 21 years and we have a very poor sex life. We have sex the two times a month her hormones spike and it makes me feel like crap. There is no French Kissing, not much touching, no nudity and really not a lot of any foreplay. I come away from sex feeling as empty as I do after not getting it for a couple of weeks. My wife will kiss me on the lips like we are 12 and on our first date and after a couple of pecks on the lips she wants to know why I am not hard yet? Being rejected by the person who is supposed to love you is very hard. In my case I am still close to the same weight I was when we married, still have my hair, try to keep myself put together and still I get rejected. I have tried a few things that have had some short term results but at the end of the day having sex with someone who is not into it is as bad as not having sex.


What are your ages if I may ask?


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

Offer him anal and see what his response is.


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## amyls77 (Oct 7, 2013)

He is 39 and I am 36.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

amyls77 said:


> What is happening? Any thoughts on this one? I do appreciate those that take the time to respond to my questions. Thanks, Amy.


It almost sounds as though he's just gotten complacent. From his point of view the sex is working. He's getting a blow job leading into intercourse. You have to let him know in no uncertain terms this pattern is not working for you.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I can tell you what my husband said - once again we didn't go to therapy together and it was my choice to have a new start more than going over all those years in detail. 

He said he had gotten lazy. He said he knew I was doing all the work with sex and he was lying there letting me. 

During our initial confrontation (in which I told him I hadn't been having orgasms) I remember yelling at him "when I'm touching you and you are not touching me what is going through your head! What are you thinking at that moment?!' He said - I'm thinking 'I really like it when you touch my penis??'

It does take effort to consider your partner in sex and its understandable how if someone is happy with the lowest amount of effort in sex it can stay at a low baseline for a long time.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

I am 43 and my wife is 42. I am sorry I did not help much.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Perhaps he just got lazy. I think this happens alot and it has happened in my home too.


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## BeaverBeauty (May 13, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> I would just quit giving him any oral, don't be all pi$$y about just don't do it. when he asks very lightly say I though you didn't like oral because you never return the favor. and I don't like doing it for someone who dosen't do it back. But if you want to start out with giving I would surley return the favor.


:iagree:


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

To my mind, there are only a few reason for this type of sexual disconnection and lack of intimacy.

1. Sexual abuse
2. Infidelity (by either party)
3. Loss of attraction

I doubt sexual abuse is the issue here, as the problem would have shown itself much sooner, which leave either infidelity or loss of attraction.

Is there a chance that he was/is seeing someone else? Conversely, have you been unfaithful and he somehow knows or suspects?

As far as loss of attraction, that is a difficult nut to crack without having a candid conversation with him. While it's true that men are very visual, there can be other reasons for loss of attraction, even if your appearance hasn't changed at all. For instance, if he feels that you are controlling, overbearing, that you don't respect him, etc. that can be a factor as well.

I doubt we'd be able to sufficiently explain (or offer a solution to) the behavior without more information.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> Your situation is very much like mine. My wife and I have been married for 21 years and we have a very poor sex life. We have sex the two times a month her hormones spike and it makes me feel like crap. There is no French Kissing, not much touching, no nudity and really not a lot of any foreplay. I come away from sex feeling as empty as I do after not getting it for a couple of weeks. My wife will kiss me on the lips like we are 12 and on our first date and after a couple of pecks on the lips she wants to know why I am not hard yet? Being rejected by the person who is supposed to love you is very hard. In my case I am still close to the same weight I was when we married, still have my hair, try to keep myself put together and still I get rejected. I have tried a few things that have had some short term results but at the end of the day having sex with someone who is not into it is as bad as not having sex.


I don't mean to hijack the thread, but in light of my previous post, I should point out that women are generally much less visually stimulated than men. My point being that the fact that you have "kept yourself put together" is likely the furthest thing from her mind.

Barring a physical problem such as a hormone imbalance, your wife may just not be into you. I know my wife hates it when I'm sitting idly (such as when watching TV), or when she feels like I am not supporting her as her husband - I know these are major turnoffs for her, so I made an effort to change that about myself. It's still a work in progress, but I definitely see her being more interested in sex more often.

Perhaps you should talk to her and find out what she's thinking. She may not be able to verbalize "why am I not interested in sex with you" but she may be able to answer questions about what turns her on and what turns her off, how she feels when you do xyz, etc.



MissScarlett said:


> I can tell you what my husband said - once again we didn't go to therapy together and it was my choice to have a new start more than going over all those years in detail.
> 
> He said he had gotten lazy. He said he knew I was doing all the work with sex and he was lying there letting me.
> 
> ...


I suppose this is a possibility, but when I am intimate with my wife, I can't imagine not being focused on her pleasure. From what I gather, most men are this way as well - if she's not enjoying it, I simply cannot. My inclination is to assume that there is an underlying reason for such complacency, such as a lack of value of intimacy, lack of interest, or some sort of personality disorder.


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## amyls77 (Oct 7, 2013)

I have not been unfaithful. I have wondered if he has been. The only thing that would make me think that would be the issues regarding sex that I have mentioned. My looks really haven't changed. We never fight. Actually, we get along so well it's almost weird.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I would just stop giving him what he wants. Eventually, he is going to ask what is going on. When he does, just be bluntly honest about what you feel. One hint, do not use the words never or always. They may actually be true but using those words can push the conversation to a new level.

Giving a woman oral and hearing her reaction is one of life's great pleasures. Knowing that you made someone feel that good is a turn on to me. If my wife was into sex, I would give her oral four or five days a week.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> I would just stop giving him what he wants. Eventually, he is going to ask what is going on. When he does, just be bluntly honest about what you feel. One hint, do not use the words never or always. They may actually be true but using those words can push the conversation to a new level.
> 
> Giving a woman oral and hearing her reaction is one of life's great pleasures. Knowing that you made someone feel that good is a turn on to me. If my wife was into sex, I would give her oral four or five days a week.


agreed!


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i agree with most here, tell him if he wont do oral neither will you. im lucky everytime me and the wife have sex oral is preformed on me, only time not preformed on her is when she says no


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

amyls77 said:


> I have not been unfaithful. I have wondered if he has been. The only thing that would make me think that would be the issues regarding sex that I have mentioned. My looks really haven't changed. We never fight. Actually, we get along so well it's almost weird.


In that case, I would agree with the others here - just stop doing it until he asks about it.

I forgot one reason - he could play for the other team. Is that even a remote possibility?


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Male equivalent of bait-and-switch?


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

Amy:

Sorry to hear that your husband doesn't like going down on you.

To me that's inexcusable, I agree with people here, stop going down on him. He is getting what he needs, he deserves to give you what you need.

Is he an idiot? Does he expect you to get wet and ready for sex when he won't please you orally?

Try this one. If it doesn't work, then I don't know what will.

After your shower (make sure you are completely shaved, no hair), put on some sexy panties, (thong, g-string, lace boyshorts, etc) with a nice matching push up bra and wear a robe overtop. Once your robe is off and he isn't dying to jump you, kiss you lots, pull your panties to the side and start going down on you, he's got problems.

I love going down on a woman. I haven't been with alot of partners and the early ones were unshaven so it wasn't as fun but I definitely love her reaction and moaning when I do it. Oral sex is a beautiful thing but I like it more than her going down on me. 

All sex should involve kissing and oral if you ask me.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

amyls77 said:


> I have not been unfaithful. I have wondered if he has been. The only thing that would make me think that would be the issues regarding sex that I have mentioned. My looks really haven't changed. We never fight. Actually, we get along so well it's almost weird.


How long was it that you didn't have sex at all? Did you give him Os during that time? What illness did you have? 
It could be that he's resentful that you pushed him away for so long and now he doesn't know how to get back into it. Maybe he feels controlled. 
Also maybe he does have his eye on someone else or he is using porn as a substitute for intimacy.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Marriedand40 said:


> Amy:
> 
> 
> All sex should involve kissing and oral if you ask me.


Agreed. And although I do like giving more than receiving, I receive very rarely which sort of sucks.

I don't want it every time and don't need it to O. But it used to be almost every time and over the years has decreased to maybe 2 to 4 times per year. He got complacent/lazy. I woud probably prefer once a week or every other just to mix it up. But mostly I prefer doing other stuff so don't complain about that. I have bigger complaints! ha ha

I know this is usually a favorite for most women so I can certainly understand your frustration!

And I second the grooming he suggested if you don't already, you will not regret it.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

I can tell you for sure it is my favorite thing to do with my wife, she has always been hard to bring to an orgasm but that always does the trick, I know what I would try if I was you but its aggressive..


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