# Im boring my husband :(



## manilikefuff (Nov 17, 2010)

Hi, first time using this so bare with me.

Basically just need a little help, more advice than answers really.

Me and my husband have been together since last June, got engaged in July and married in December. We've not even been married a year and I think he's already bored of me. 

(This doesnt justify anything moving too fast but I would like to point out we have been in and out of the relationship since we were 11.. We didnt meet last June!)

We had been onabout trying for a baby quite early on in the relationship when everything was still quite exciting, (went out places, saw friends & Actually had a sex life etc).. and around last christmas I did get pregnant, Unfortunatly it didnt take and we lost our first baby  Not long after this we did end up seperating for a couple of months, Non of us really knew how to deal with the loss and it just got abit much. In the time that we seperated we went our own way with things and tried to move on but to my amazement it turned out I was pregnant again, It was quite upsetting because I havnt really got over our first loss and it was (is) abit overwhelming but Im happy Im pregnant and we are back together.. 

But since we've got back together theres just been a complete lack of presence in the relationship, I just feel so useless because he seems so bored of us already, Im trying everything I can to keep things going but it really feels like He's being made to be with me, He isnt enjoying life, I've tried suggesting that he goes out and see's his friends for abit so he isnt stuck in with me but he just shrugs and says that there isnt any point, I'll suggest that we could go out but concidering Im quite pregnant atm and we have another daughter (From a previous reationship) Its abit difficult to get out together, I try buying in things for us to do, new dvds for us to watch n have a snuggle on the sofa with some nibbles he likes and bought couples board games for abit of fun.. but he just falls asleep, or as before, its as if im not here. I feel so lonely and currenty suffering from depression, Which doesnt help AT all, Im trying to get through it by myself because if I start to get upset he gets angry at me for crying, Im not crying all the time and when I do I usually make an excuse to get out of the room so he doesnt know Im doing it.

I've tried making myself look nice.. but at 32 weeks there isnt too much that can help me, I know once I've had the baby I can go back to getting fit and making myself look... (Id like to say quite reasonable?) but Im just so scared he's going to get fed up of me before I can make myself better. 

I just feel as if he's fallen out of love with me since the breakup and he's just come back to look after the baby, which in a way, yeah thats great because he is an amazing dad, But Im feeling so neglected at the minute and if thats why he's here then when baby does get here, Its only going to get worse.

Is there anything anyone can think of that I can try and do to make him enjoy himself again.. I miss smiling, but I miss seeing him smile even more so.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm no expert, but I wonder if he's holding you at a bit of a distance to protect himself from the grief of another loss. Not only did he lose his child but, at least temporarily, he lost you, too. He probably hasn't completely grieved that and now you're pregnant again. I'm sure he's thrilled but he might also be quite apprehensive. When soldiers are in combat and have lost close friends, they often don't attach themselves to new friends. They don't want to feel the overwhelming pain of losing another one. I just wonder if he might be protecting himself in much the same way.
He can't get close to you without getting close to the baby and he may be afraid to let himself get close to the baby until he is certain all will be well. When the baby arrives safely, Daddy might return to his old, loving and happy self. I do wish you both the absolute best.


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## manilikefuff (Nov 17, 2010)

He's already attatched to the baby, We've picked the names, got the clothes, he's decorating the room this week.. But the keeping me at a distance is whats making us worse, Because he'll get angry at me over anything (eg, The other day he got mad at me because I wanted to go out for a walk..Thats literally all it was) but it started out a big argument and everytime it happens he goes on about as soon as the baby gets here he's leaving and taking the baby with him, He gets very aggresive and starts ranting around the house slamming doors and throwing whatever he can and I end up getting comments like "Give me one good reason I shouldnt slap you right now" or "Do you want me to destroy this house?" .. And I know this is the argument Im sure every female tries to put accross and try blame someone else, but I really dont do anything wrong, he just keeps finding reasons to start arguments. Im at a loss :\


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

manilikefuff said:


> Because he'll get angry at me over anything (eg, The other day he got mad at me because I wanted to go out for a walk..Thats literally all it was) but it started out a big argument and everytime it happens he goes on about as soon as the baby gets here he's leaving and taking the baby with him, He gets very aggresive and starts ranting around the house slamming doors and throwing whatever he can and I end up getting comments like "Give me one good reason I shouldnt slap you right now" or "Do you want me to destroy this house?" .. And I know this is the argument Im sure every female tries to put accross and try blame someone else, but I really dont do anything wrong, he just keeps finding reasons to start arguments. Im at a loss :\


 Forget about YOU having the problem here - to entertain & make him happy. He has some issues - very aggressive tendencies & emotionally abusive -borderline physically with some of these comments. Does your other child see him talk like this to you? 

Has he always been this way -when things aren't going as HE wants - (since you have known him since age 11)?


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## manilikefuff (Nov 17, 2010)

Not really, but obviously when we were younger you dont really pay attention to these things, When we were together at 16 yrs old he had more of a 'I dont particularly care about the relationship' outlook, which isnt great but he was nice enough then. 

I think it more started when we got engaged, he never liked me going out into town with friends and was always shouting calling me slag, ***** etc.. accusing me that I was going to cheat on him and that I was only going out for one thing because of the way I dressed, My clothes admittedly were rather short but I used to get told by him I looked like a prostitute & all I needed was some fishnet tights, And concidering on occasion I DO wear fishnets, Rather insulting concidering I just wanted to dress up abit to go out.

I figured that would get better though, he wasnt used to being with me going out for a drink so i thought he might just need to get used to the idea of it, but he just got worse, to the point he put holes in the walls and doors on the night of my Hen night & I was tod I had to be home by 12 or he wont be there when I get back.

I think its just the way he sees me, I was thinking about it this morning when he woke up (I didnt even get a good morning) and he just got ready and left the house, But I think about his past reationships and erlier this year when we seperated.. I dont know the easiest way to put this, But appearence-wise Im quite alternative, If Im just in the house, I'll either wear something black & tight (though everythings tight atm being pregnant haha) or my skateboarding gear.. and when I go out, I look like I should be in a Marilyn Manson music video.. Only less.. face paint? but his ex girlfriends have ALL been quite chavvy looking, Im just thinking maybe when he first got back with me last year he just thought it was something different and took a fancy to it, Now the novelty has worn off and he missus the girls he's used to? Im contemplating on changing my appearence bit by bit to see if Im onto something but I was onabout dying my hair erlier to him and all he said was, "Why, you looking for attention or sumet!?" .. I dont know why he would say that, My hair gets changed more often than my socks! Atm its black pink and purple! So I think Im definatly going to try the whole blonde look But Im drawing the line at listening to AKON! That certainly wont be happening haha


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He wants one good reason to not hit you? Jail seems like a pretty good reason. The fact that he could endanger the life of his own child would be a pretty good reason. The best reason for a man to not hit my daughter would be the moral certainty that I would show up and that I have forgotten more about delivering pain than they will ever know. You know more about what you have there than I do, but he sounds like an abuser to me. Research the warning signs. If nothing else, he needs to learn quickly that even threatening violence won't be tolerated. Almost every woman I've interviewed who'd been assaulted by their husbands, had heard and ignored several threats long before the actual assault.


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## manilikefuff (Nov 17, 2010)

I was beaten up by my last partner (The father of my 2 year old) and husband isnt anything like him, I know on the screen it sounds bad and I dont know if its the way Im writing it or not but I dont think he'd ever do any serious damage, He has a bad past with his dad being awful to his mum and I know he's anxious about that because his dad gets out of prison soon, Im not making an excuse there but just informing.

I just want some advice as to try and make him happy again, then he wouldnt need to lose his temper.

I know some of the things he does are unacceptable but I've been through enough when he wasnt there,When I was younger I was in foster care due to my mum suffering from phycotic skitsofrenia and was abused by members of the foster family. Then when I got abit older I used to wake up with my brother doing things that dont need to be typed, My ex partner used to hit me, He used to throw me around when I was holding my newborn, I used to wake up to him doing things, which were definatly not concented to and on 1 occasion tried strangling me to stop me from crying (When I suffer from depression) when I finally got out of that relationship and plucked up the courage to go out and find a job and got my own house etc, I was raped by 2 men at the same time. Since I've been with my husband nobody has hurt me and he has always promised that he wont let anyone and Im sure theres something to be saved if he can still be with me knowing all the embarrassing things I've been through, I love him so much and was literally love at first sight! But now I just think it might be time to let him go so he can go live his life and enjoy himself instead of being stuck in the house All the time. Im just confused and upset and need a big ol' cry but I have nobody I can go to because he always feels its his fault and that theres nothing he can do, He doesnt believe just a hug can help


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## manilikefuff (Nov 17, 2010)

Im really sorry to hear that and I hope you are able to manage? I hate hearing about these things, but its happening everywhere, These people are supposed to be protecting you. 

He would never do anything like that though, He has his anger issues and he does lose his temper but we have spoken about bits this afternoon and he knows that he's being like it and is going to speak to somebody about it, Hes more worrying about turning out like his dad atm..

I hope we'll be alright, I dont want to lose him, I think so long as we keep ourselves and eachother occupied we should be fine, Had a big cleaning day today and moved things around to make room for the dining table for when family come round for christmas and the christmas tree!! Which Im realllyyy wanting to put up now but he says we cant until he see's the coca cola commercial on TV ¬_¬ WE DONT WATCH TV! the pain haha..

Well Im in quite a chirpy mood atm, I think we've had a good day, bit of a rocky morning but after our chat it feels like quite an improvment already, Im not sure how to keep it going tomorrow but Im sure I'll think of something.. Probably make somebody record me the Cola advert n stealthily put it in the XBox! 

Thankyou for all your advice, I hope things pick up for you, Though Im thinking maybe you shouldnt be trying to work things out with somebody that can do such things for you but I suppose when you feel certain ways for certain people there isnt much anyone can say to change your mind, It is nice to just be able to speak to someone though x


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## manilikefuff (Nov 17, 2010)

be trying to work things out with somebody that can do such things TO you****


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I am at a loss for words. Not really but I mean that I actually had to think before I posted when normally I just let it all out. I'm worried that your history makes you incapable of seeing abuse as abuse. It's almost as if you expect to be abused and since this man is the least of your abusers, you think he's golden.

I've always had a rather rockabilly look going on and when I was younger had multi-colored hair as well. So I can relate to the alternative idea. No, I won't listen to AKON either and prefer The National, Fugazi, Arcade Fire, ah Kate Bush has always been a fav. Music is really important in my husband and I's relationship actually, always has been. I hope it is for the two of you as well. I keep saying common interests are crucial to intimacy.

Most importantly, it's not just you anymore. You have a two year old and a newborn on the way. You need to give yourself, and most likely your husband, a break. Take a step back at all you've overcome and accomplished. Think about what it is the both of you want and try hard to connect there--beyond body image, the sorrow of loss and the difficulties in your lives.

If you can't and he continues to be abusive, dismissive, accusatory and distant; it will most likely only get worse. Decide for yourself and your children what it is you want and then dive in with him but don't dive in with him if he's going to drown you.

Sorry for all you've been put through. Your burden is unfair.


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