# Telling the kids-please share experiences



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

We are starting to work out when we will tell our kids we plan to divorce. Our oldest is graduating college next month, then coming home for our other child's high school graduation. We have only a few days to work with before the oldest heads out of town again. Not the best of times/situations to work with, but it's the only window we have.

We have no plans to change our living arrangements until our youngest is at college, so no major physical changes will take place, hopefully easing things a tiny bit. 

H mentioned today that he'd like to focus on how much we love the kids and how that won't change. He also said that he wants to tell our youngest that part of what kept us together was not wanting to disrupt things for him, out of our love for him. That part I think is a really bad idea (partially because that is from him, not me. I didn't know divorce was inevitable until last fall). I think we need to focus on this being all about us and how we just didn't work to be the best spouses we could be, but we have been great parents and a great family. I don't think we should say a single thing about the kids. 

Anyway, can you guys shed some light on your own opinions and experiences with this part? I know there is no right answer, but I need all the help I can get with this!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

This is tough. I'm sorry for you.
At their age, telling them that you guys stayed in an unhappy marriage because of them might be counter-productive. Some younger kids think that the divorce was their fault. If you take H's approach they might very well feel guilty that you didn't end it sooner. So my preference would be to leave them out of it.

There's never anything wrong with telling them how much you love them and assure them that none of that will change. 

When we told the kids it was all about us.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would not tell them you stayed together for them. It heaps guilt on them.

Your kids are in the age group where they are most focused on themselves. Their reaction is likely to be "Ok, and can I borrow the car to go to the beach on Saturday with some friends?". Maybe not quite that detached, but they are going to view it through the lens of how it impacts them. As long as there are no major changes, they aren't going to be overly involved in thinking about it.

I was in my mid 20's when my parents announced their divorce. My siblings and I all talked together and we all said "it was about time they split up". We knew things had not been rosy between them for years. Your kids probably will not be all that shocked at the divorce.

For me the biggest upset was when I went back to the house I grew up in, my mom was gone. Home wasn't Home any longer, it was different. But over a few years I saw that even though we didn't all get together at the holidays, we did still see each other and do things together, just not all together at the same time. My mom remarried and we all like her new husband a lot. So we gained something, too.

I would emphasize how things will not change dramatically immediately. Also, you both desire the kids to have good relationships with both parents.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Much thanks to you both! This is exactly the kind of feedback I am looking for. I am sort of expecting that it won't be a huge shock, and both of our kids are very independent and self confident. I think it will be ok...I just want to handle everything the very best way we can. 

And I am going to feel so, so much better when it's out there. I hate that we are hiding it right now.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

You've gotten good advice.  Just be prepared for them to ask why.
Good luck!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Definitely don't tell them you stayed for them. My mother stayed for me after my father cheated. I stayed for my son after my husband cheated. It's too much of a burden on the child to know that -- even if you are now divorcing. Make it about you. Not them.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

I was in fear of how I would tell my kids. especially the 7 year old. But when I did, he got it and his biggest fear was not having a daddy anymore. After we both explained that it was no one fault it just happened that we were fighting too much and we didn't want them to be hurt by our fighting we decided to each have our own homes. 

He was fine when he saw that daddy was never going to leave him behind! 

Honest to God I think he is happier than he has ever been. 

My 3 year old could care less lol....

Not to make light of the situation, but I agree with everyone here. DO NOT TELL THEM YOU GUYS STAYED FOR THEM. IF ANYTHING SAY YOU TRIED FOR YOURSELVES AND IT JUST DIDNT DO WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO, BUT DONT GIVE THEM THAT BURDEN. DONT MAKE THEM THINK Y OUR MISERIES COMES FROM TRYING FOR THEM, OR THAT THE BREAK UP IS FROM THEM.... IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. ALL THEY NEED TO KNOW IS YOU LOVE THEM DEARLY AND WILL BE CORDIAL AND LOVE THEM NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL FOR ONE ANOTHER.


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## WestMonroe91 (Feb 28, 2014)

After delaying for too long, I told my kids 26, 21 and 19. When I finally did, I just told them everything except for what would have been uncomfortable details. It was overdue because WW was living as the "woman behind the curtain" for too many years. My children who are now adults, told me they had no idea that she was sleeping around because she acted normal around them. So they got deceived too.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

WestMonroe91 said:


> After delaying for too long, I told my kids 26, 21 and 19. When I finally did, I just told them everything except for what would have been uncomfortable details. It was overdue because WW was living as the "woman behind the curtain" for too many years. My children who are now adults, told me they had no idea that she was sleeping around because she acted normal around them. So they got deceived too.


West, how are they coping with that feeling of being deceived? My daughter felt exactly that way too, and it has been difficult for her to get past (but she is 16).


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## WestMonroe91 (Feb 28, 2014)

Fenix:

I just saw your question. The older two seem to be okay and taking things in stride. But sometimes you can't really tell how they feel. The youngest on the other hand took it pretty hard. Based on feedback from a close relative, WW told her that DS19 is mad at her.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

WestMonroe91 said:


> Fenix:
> 
> I just saw your question. The older two seem to be okay and taking things in stride. But sometimes you can't really tell how they feel. The youngest on the other hand took it pretty hard. Based on feedback from a close relative, WW told her that DS19 is mad at her.


Thanks. I just saw your answer. 

My DD is in therapy. This has really made her question not just her father but herself as well.


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