# A pattern of weakness, sneakiness



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

A very brief background: Married 32 years. Separated year 19-21. Counseling, reconciliation, long road back. but....

There are some things my husband has done in the past 10 years that are the same as what he did before we separated. 

He lies to me about the women he works with - he will say he had lunch with Dan, when I know he had it with Sue. 
He will talk endlessly about the men he works with but never mention a woman - at one point I realized he has a LOT of women who work or him.
He never leaves his phone alone.
He has a "tell" when he is lying. He has been going to their new office often (he is the big boss, btw) and I asked why. He said he is just trying to get everyone comfortable, but then showed the tell.
I asked him the other day how work was, and he lied and said it was "good". No details, which is unusual. (again, the tell)

So today we were talking about a potential job change for him and the reasons he wants to change. In a nutshell, the company has a toxic culture. We were discussing how to discern when a potential employer is painting too rosy a picture. Not sure how, but I got on the analogy of a cheating spouse and how they won't be honest about their concerns in the marriage, even when confronted with racy emails. The spouse will lie, come up with a lame explanation and hope to get away with it. (at least that's why my husband used to do and I would buy it) Anyway, I was saying how the spouse will change their email and hide things rather than change their behavior when confronted. I used the wife as the lying spouse. He flipped! He got irritated and ended the conversation.

The thing is, I have used the cheating spouse analogy often in talking with my husband about his corporate environment. Never a blip. Today - wow, total overreaction. This after a long weekend of driving out of town where he was kind of a jerk.

I am trying to decide my next move. My husband is not cheating (sexually), but my guess is he is back to his flirting, masturbation, porn ways (he has not asked for sex once in the 10 years since we are back together. I always initiate. Generally, he just masturbates and at times he does it next to me when he thinks I am asleep. Once a week at least he gets up in the middle of the night and masturbates in the other room.

Anyway, what should be my next move? I feel like I am a step away from disappearing or committing suicide. Thanks.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

First, find someone you can talk to at length openly. Hurting yourself in any way is never the answer. 

Then, ask yourself is there anything worth salvaging here? It sounds like you're doing and have been doing 100% of the heavy-lifting in this relationship. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your days, always having to play 'warden' to your husband? The secrecy and the lies...he is disrespecting you 100% here. Time to take control. Ask him if he's willing to seek IC and MC. If not, you have your answer. 

I'm sorry you are here, but there are folks here that care. Listen to the advice, and search within yourself. The answers will come.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NickyT said:


> A very brief background: Married 32 years. Separated year 19-21. Counseling, reconciliation, long road back. but....
> 
> There are some things my husband has done in the past 10 years that are the same as what he did before we separated.
> 
> ...


suicidepreventionlifeline.org or 1-800-273-TALK.

And please see a lawyer.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I am truly sorry for the pain you are enduring, do as Matt/Matt and just do a call. Join a group ASAP dealing with loss of a spouse. Something that will lead to getting answers. And Or your local church that has a Stephen ministry outreach program, they are some one that listens and not give advice bit can get you direction where you can go for help.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

What you are saying here is that the post separation reconciliation was a false reconciliation. That the relationship breaking actions and attitudes have never stopped and are intensifying. The problem I'm having is with your conclusion. disappearing, or suicide are not the logical answers to this. Separation and divorce are. You are feeling down about the failure and you need some help to get from where you are to a healthy place where you can make the better decision.

suicidepreventionlifeline.org or 1-800-273-TALK.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He hasn't changed and it's highly unlikely he's going to. It's never too late to get out. I did (after a longer marriage than yours). Was it easy? No, but it was worth it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're feeling like you have no control over your life. But you do. You know he is a habitual liar. You assume there is even worse than that. (so do we) What YOU need to do is decide what YOUR life is worth. Do you deserve better than this? If so, what steps will you take to get it? I'm not saying you have to leave him. I'm saying you have to start respecting yourself and demanding that same respect from him. We can help with that.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

He sounds like a narcissist. I would get out of that relationship ASAP.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What a horrible marriage, WHY are you still there? It doesnt sound like there is anything worth saving here. Please get some help if you are seriously having suicidal thoughts. There is no person worth ending your own life over, no one should have that kind of power over us, and life can be amazing when we remove the toxic people from it.


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