# Trust issues....



## jetdoc (Jan 31, 2012)

Hey all, newby here. I was not sure where to put this, as it would go under so many different forums on here, so I put it on this one. 

Will try to be succinct as possible. Married 31 years, divorced as of this past Aug. My X and I married very very young. We are still friends, and see each other often...we have three grown daughters, all beautiful young women. In fact we were all over my eldest daughters house this past weekend and the X cooked Filipino food, haha. 

Aug 2009 I found out, via facebook, that my X had an on going affair with someone I had suspected she possibly had seen. It was many years ago, things didn't add up, they were confronted, it was denied, and I sorta buried it....there were actually two guys, same story though. 

So I found one on facebook, (we were actually in the same military unit, so we do have mutual friends)...I confronted him for the truth, and he admitted to it.....

That was the day I died inside, my heart was broken. I've never cheated on my X...we did have probs as many young couples do, (or any aged couples)...but I always provided well, was a loving dad and a good husband, but not perfect, as she was not a perfect wife....

I confronted her after a couple of weeks, with the email from the OM. She finally admitted to it, and actually admitted to a total of FIVE guys...OMG. They all happened 20 years ago, so I was lied to, for 20 years, in addition to the fact she banged 5 dudes while married to me. 

Needless to say, it was a horrible time in my life. I went into therapy. I learned A LOT there, a lot about myself, my childhood, etc. My X and I went to couples therapy a few times, the therapist finally picked up on the X's anger issues and denial issues, asked her for some individual sessions, and that was the last time the X went to therapy, lol She has a prob admitting when she is wrong, in fact will never admit to it. 

So I eventually met a wonderful woman...beautiful in every way...I love her dearly. But my problem is trust. I will say I thought the X cheated, she denied it, but I still didn't mistrust her in what she did. I never checked her phone, email...never followed her, never worried what she was doing. Sure I would be jealous in some situations, but I was not and am not a jealous guy. 

But learning I blindly trusted with all of my heart and all of my trust, that leaves one open to hurt. My therapist said that one should hold back some...never give 100% of trust. You can love 100% of course. 

I have tried to apply that, but I will say its tough, I am an 'all in' guy, so its a constant battle I have to do. But the main issue is trust. I just keep thinking my g/f could be doing this or doing that, and she has not given me any reason to think that. She is loving and understands and is trying to help me, but I know it can be frustrating for her too. Again, its not as if I am jealous, I think. I think trust and jealously can be different? 

Well all I know is I have, what I think is trust issues. 

I am not doing therapy any longer, I stopped a while back when I felt I wasn't really getting a lot from it. 

Well so much for being succinct.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well if you have a committed relationship and it's obvious you are either getting married, living together or simply have long term plans then I suggest you have a good conversation about transparency. 

I'm sure she knows what your ex did to you, so she will likely be very compliant in allowing you into her life in that manner. (sharing passwords, clear boundaries, etc)


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I dont think its a trust issue. Well, perhaps, because of the newness of the divorce and the trauma that causes for a while.
I think you just got a dose of Wisdom my man, and shouldnt worry about it, unless you are hobbling your new relationship with accusations and going overboard. 
There are boundaries that each person has that are individual. You might be fine with certain things your new lady does that I would not be fine with. Its just the way people are and its going to take finding someone that operates within those tolerances. 
My ex did not. I would question and state my boundary and she would call me controlling and abusive. She was having an affair, and somehow "I" was the bad guy.
I dont blame you for being a little more aware than normal right now, of things that test your boundaries.


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## jetdoc (Jan 31, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well if you have a committed relationship and it's obvious you are either getting married, living together or simply have long term plans then I suggest you have a good conversation about transparency.
> 
> I'm sure she knows what your ex did to you, so she will likely be very compliant in allowing you into her life in that manner. (sharing passwords, clear boundaries, etc)


Yes we do intend to marry in the future. She is aware of what happened and also my g/f is aware that everyone is imperfect and my X and I share blame on our marital problems, however infidelity is never ok in a marriage. 

I will bring up the transparency, that is a good point. I think I have not really brought that up, as to offend her, but in the back of my mind its there. I would and have, trusted her with some of my passwords and such. And boundaries, yes, I learned a lot about that word in therapy. I went from having a wall around me as a younger person, to where I am wide open...I am trying to be more in the middle. 



Shooboomafoo said:


> I dont think its a trust issue. Well, perhaps, because of the newness of the divorce and the trauma that causes for a while.
> I think you just got a dose of Wisdom my man, and shouldnt worry about it, unless you are hobbling your new relationship with accusations and going overboard.
> There are boundaries that each person has that are individual. You might be fine with certain things your new lady does that I would not be fine with. Its just the way people are and its going to take finding someone that operates within those tolerances.
> My ex did not. I would question and state my boundary and she would call me controlling and abusive. She was having an affair, and somehow "I" was the bad guy.
> I dont blame you for being a little more aware than normal right now, of things that test your boundaries.


Thanks man, you bring up valid points and some things I can totally relate to. Its always amazing to read or to speak with others that have or are going through the exact same thing.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Jetdoc, I think everyone here can appreciate your trust issues. Truth is, you've been damaged by your ex's betrayal, and it's hard to recover. Since you mention your childhood in your post, I suspect some of your trust issues may also lie there. You say that you are an "all in" kinda guy. That fits with your military background- the lines are drawn and very clear- until they aren't. Your therapist advised to not trust 100%. You find that difficult, but it is a fact of life. We are all human. We all make mistakes. We even betray ourselves from time to time. Beyond blind trust lies acceptance, both of yourself and others. Set your boundaries and make them clear to your prospective spouse. Talk to her; most women appreciate being allowed to see what you hold deeply. If you feel that you need a therapist, find another one; they are not all created equal.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Totally normal for you to feel untrusting of people after your ex-wife cheated on you with 5-7 different men. The trust issues are due to her betrayal. 

You said you are done with therapy and taht is fine. Maybe you can read some books to help you out and also communicate to your new partner how you feel. Remember, your ex-wife's cheating was a CHOICE she made that had nothing to do with you. It was her decision to do that. Don't let your past relationship mar your new one.


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## jetdoc (Jan 31, 2012)

river rat said:


> Jetdoc, I think everyone here can appreciate your trust issues. Truth is, you've been damaged by your ex's betrayal, and it's hard to recover. Since you mention your childhood in your post, I suspect some of your trust issues may also lie there. You say that you are an "all in" kinda guy. That fits with your military background- the lines are drawn and very clear- until they aren't. Your therapist advised to not trust 100%. You find that difficult, but it is a fact of life. We are all human. We all make mistakes. We even betray ourselves from time to time. Beyond blind trust lies acceptance, both of yourself and others. Set your boundaries and make them clear to your prospective spouse. Talk to her; most women appreciate being allowed to see what you hold deeply. If you feel that you need a therapist, find another one; they are not all created equal.


River Rat, you hit the nail on the head with the childhood statement...an alcoholic, abusive, absentee father, so feelings of being abandoned was formed in me at a young age. 

BTW, I know most of us have childhood issues, in some form or another, some not even realized. I never knew how much my childhood shaped how I see the world through adult eyes. 

With your military observation, that was what made moving on after her affairs most difficult. I could've stayed married, but I know me, it would not have been the same. I could never share a foxhole, or fighting hole, with her again...

Thanks for your thoughts.


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## jetdoc (Jan 31, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Totally normal for you to feel untrusting of people after your ex-wife cheated on you with 5-7 different men. The trust issues are due to her betrayal.
> 
> You said you are done with therapy and taht is fine. Maybe you can read some books to help you out and also communicate to your new partner how you feel. Remember, your ex-wife's cheating was a CHOICE she made that had nothing to do with you. It was her decision to do that. Don't let your past relationship mar your new one.


That is exactly what I am planning on doing, a book, or try to find some sort of a workshop here in Maryland. 

The first thing I learned when I joined a website... survivinginfidelity . com was it was her CHOCIE...It really helped me and yes, we both were 50/50 on our marital issues and problems, they were between us. SHE was the one who decided to bring in other people...she chose to cheat. I had nothing to do with that decision. 

And that is why I am here, trying to not let it ruin my current relationship. I won't allow that to happen, I will work my ass off to assure that won't happen. I am trying so hard, 31 year marriage, lied to for 20 years about 5 affairs, it is a lot to process. But I will. 

Thanks..this is really a great source of support.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That is the right attitude to have.

Also, while it sucks getting cheated on, it can be good in a way because you lose a sort of naivity you had before and you develop a new sense of awareness.. I think that is a good thing.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

jetdoc said:


> Yes we do intend to marry in the future. She is aware of what happened and also my g/f is aware that everyone is imperfect and my X and I share blame on our marital problems, however infidelity is never ok in a marriage.
> 
> I will bring up the transparency, that is a good point. I think I have not really brought that up, as to offend her, but in the back of my mind its there. I would and have, trusted her with some of my passwords and such. And boundaries, yes, I learned a lot about that word in therapy. I went from having a wall around me as a younger person, to where I am wide open...I am trying to be more in the middle.



Don't be afraid to offend.

Simply put, if she isn't on board with boundaries and transparency then she isn't the right woman for you.

that said, how you broach the subject is important

have an open discussion about expectations and what you both feel is important for each other in your boundaries and transparency. Don't just go up to her and demand passwords right away (not that it sounds like you would) since there is no suspicion or reason to treat her that way. She will either, have never considered it before and will be appreciative, is glad that you are bringing the subject as she feels it is important or will get defensive and demand privacy. If it is the latter then you know what you have before it is too late.


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## jetdoc (Jan 31, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Don't be afraid to offend.
> 
> Simply put, if she isn't on board with boundaries and transparency then she isn't the right woman for you.
> 
> ...


I agree and I will consider your approach. I do feel I have nothing to hide, and she can access my fb, or email, etc. I wondered if I feel like this does that mean she should too...that is one thing I wondered about. I am trying to not project how I am as to how everyone should feel. 

But I do know it is how I feel.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I totally understand the trust issues. After I remarried after my first wife cheated on me, my current wife mentioned that she felt I was punishing her for what my first wife did to me, and she reassured me that she would NEVER do to me what my ex did to me.

Yet 21 years later..........


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## Claude Veritas (Jan 29, 2012)

At present, have a balance of attachment and detachment..with the new one..Dont appear Obvious...and dont be blatantly honest, nor be blunt in anything...Just be a Wise, Intelligent ,Strong MAN...and control the strings...till you have some good assurance for any sort of commitment...


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## Claude Veritas (Jan 29, 2012)

Yet 21 years later..........

Read Women's Infidelity...by Michelle Langley....and you will find the Women of this kind, and why they do so...


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Jetdoc, your story is shared by many of us. Know that you are not alone. There is a life pattern seen in many children of abuse and alcoholism. Some follow the lead of their parents- my brother drank himself to death at an early age. Others strive to be perfect in order to create order out of the chaos of their lives. They are over achievers, rigid, judgmental, perfectionist ( that's me). But we can change the way we are and the way we relate to others. Not to imply that your ex's betrayal was your fault; it was not. But how you deal with that betrayal is up to you. You mentioned books. I'd recommend Janet Woititz as a place to start. If you are into meditation or Bhuddist thinking, David Richo is another excellent resource. The fact that you are here shows that you are seeking, and that you are on the right track.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I totally understand the trust issues. After I remarried after my first wife cheated on me, my current wife mentioned that she felt I was punishing her for what my first wife did to me, and she reassured me that she would NEVER do to me what my ex did to me.
> 
> Yet 21 years later..........


I remarried after a lousy marriage that left me with zero self esteem. 

I recently married a wonderful woman. At our ages, we all have a past. My wife cheated on her first husband, and married the OM, who then cheated on her and she divorced him. She is a fantastic person, and the circumstances of her marital history are something I can't change. All in all she was married over 30 years. The motivation for her affair was understandable, and she did her best to minimize the pain to her first husband; the parting with her second husband left her devastated, so all in all, this was a situation that I could accept, and do believe she learned from her mistakes. The joy she brings has made my life blissful and fulfilling. 

Alas, *I* have developed a few trust issues based on the affair that led to her second marriage. She has been wonderful, loving, transparent, I have access to all of her email and phone stuff. She says she would never do to me what her ex did to her, due to the immense pain she suffered. I have NO reason to think she is planning to do this again, but I'm hyper sensitive and triggered by a few things. 

My triggers are mostly ex#2 being on her facebook friend's list, though they do NOT interact at all (besides the facebook force-feed of wall posts to friends...) I also bump into few mementos in our house (a house she owns and has lived in for 30 years). Since we live in a house she lived in with her prior husbands, I am literally surrounded by her past. I feel like a visitor sometimes. It makes zero sense for us to move to a new place for a while, and it would be a financial disaster to do so. I feel trapped in this environment, but I am slowly slowly feeling more confident. 

Again, no reason to suspect anything, just the triggers that gnaw away at me. Being physically engulfed in her past is very hard to take emotionally, even though my rational brain understands that living in this house is the right thing to do. 

It's getting better over time, but ...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry your wife got hit by the karma bus.

Ex#2 is a friend on facebook? After he cheated on her? Seriously?

There is absolutely no good reason for him being on her friends list, in fact, he should be blocked. That's all it takes many times, for old lovers to reconnect. Thats what happened to me.


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## jetdoc (Jan 31, 2012)

Thanks...:smthumbup: good points made. 



Claude Veritas said:


> At present, have a balance of attachment and detachment..with the new one..Dont appear Obvious...and dont be blatantly honest, nor be blunt in anything...Just be a Wise, Intelligent ,Strong MAN...and control the strings...till you have some good assurance for any sort of commitment...


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## jetdoc (Jan 31, 2012)

river rat said:


> Jetdoc, your story is shared by many of us. Know that you are not alone. There is a life pattern seen in many children of abuse and alcoholism. Some follow the lead of their parents- my brother drank himself to death at an early age. Others strive to be perfect in order to create order out of the chaos of their lives. They are over achievers, rigid, judgmental, perfectionist ( that's me). But we can change the way we are and the way we relate to others. Not to imply that your ex's betrayal was your fault; it was not. But how you deal with that betrayal is up to you. You mentioned books. I'd recommend Janet Woititz as a place to start. If you are into meditation or Bhuddist thinking, David Richo is another excellent resource. The fact that you are here shows that you are seeking, and that you are on the right track.


I am like you then, because of what happened to me in childhood, rigid over achiever, judgmental and things have to be perfect. If you could see my house and how ADD I am, according me my kids, haha. My fridge, for example, everything's grouped together and labels facing the same direction...haha.

I will check out the Janet book, but I am into meditation, so I will especially check out David Richo. 

Thanks for the nice words about me being here and on right track. 



OhhShiney said:


> I remarried after a lousy marriage that left me with zero self esteem.
> 
> I recently married a wonderful woman. At our ages, we all have a past. My wife cheated on her first husband, and married the OM, who then cheated on her and she divorced him. She is a fantastic person, and the circumstances of her marital history are something I can't change. All in all she was married over 30 years. The motivation for her affair was understandable, and she did her best to minimize the pain to her first husband; the parting with her second husband left her devastated, so all in all, this was a situation that I could accept, and do believe she learned from her mistakes. The joy she brings has made my life blissful and fulfilling.
> 
> ...


Triggers, wow they kill me, and those affect me to a certain degree with my g/f at times....and usually not her fault at all, just my trust issue. 

As I think I said, I am friendly with my X, as we have a lot of get togethers becuase of our kids. It was weird, I was over her house last week and saw a pic of her and her new b/f..that was very weird to me, to see her with another guy. I've thought of it before, and know she has banged a whole basketball team of guys, but seeing her with a guy, it weirded me out and actually changed my mood.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Hey Jetdoc, I remember you from MB. Glad to hear that you are healing. Remember anybody who gets your ex gets a cheater. That may help to think about that when you trigger.


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## jetdoc (Jan 31, 2012)

Hey, I was wondering if anyone would remember my name from a few sites I visited..its been 2 years, 5 months since D day, wow. 

Gotcha on the OM getting a cheater..!!

Yes I am doing much better. I've learned a lot in therapy, and trying t apply it in my current relationship, and trying to not make any of the same mistakes I did in my first. 

Thanks.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Transparency is a must, there are no secrets in a good marriage. Also set boundaries on ex's and other male friends. Girls/boys nights out are a major problem. I can tell you you can trust and love completely and STILL keep your eyes and ears open. You can head off a lot of sh!t that way.


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## jetdoc (Jan 31, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Transparency is a must, there are no secrets in a good marriage. Also set boundaries on ex's and other male friends. Girls/boys nights out are a major problem. I can tell you you can trust and love completely and STILL keep your eyes and ears open. You can head off a lot of sh!t that way.


I like your post.


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