# Stay & put in work or time to hit the road???



## dazed&confuzed1 (Jan 7, 2015)

Background:
-Married 15 yrs in may, H35,W33, (5) children ages 9, 12, 14, 14.5, 16.5
3 older children are from previous relationships, all have lived with us under same roof
- Married when I was 21, she was 19. I started it off horrible from the get go. 
My wife moved in with me 2 weeks after our first date. I had two children, she had 1. She would stay home and watch the kids while I went out and partied 3 or 4 nights a week (@strip clubs). 2 months after being together she found out I had sex with another woman (stripper), 1 month after that she found out I had sex with my childrens mother (in our house) while she was out of town. 1 month after that I got in serious legal trouble and realized it was time for me to make a change (scared straight). I was seeking gods grace because of my legal troubles. 6 months after dating we got married. 
After our wedding we went to dinner with family. We'll were hispanic, so I was unfortunate to receive multiple shots and alcholic drinks. After we left to go to our hotel i cussed my new bride out, called her every name in the book, told her the only reason i married her was because I was going to jail. Got to the hotel room and passed out. We got married on a saturday, the day before mothers day. So mothers day I had the worst hangover I'd ever had in my life. She dropped me off at our house and went to spend the day with her mother and kids.
-5 years into our marriage she had an affair with a co-worker, I was devastaded when I caught her.
-7 years into our marriage I had and affair with a family friend/co-worker and was going to leave my wife for her. But while I was out on vacation she was hitting on another co worker. Wife never found out.
-Sometime after this I started talking to another coworker, we planned on having a fwb type of relationship, but I was fired from the company before anything ever happened and left the woman alone.

Now 14 years into marriage I found out my wife was talking (and God knows what else) with another man daily from late May-Aug 19 when I caught her. She said he was just a friend, someone who was positive who she could talk to, because I was always mean and negative. Over the summer I suspected something was going on and accused her, but she would tell me I was crazy. I was taking weight lose pills at the time and she would blame that for my paronia. She had the mans named saved under one of her girlfriends name. We went on a 4 day family vacation over the summer, and she talked to him during that time as well. They talked damn near every day for 3 months.
During this period once she posted a snipet on facebook "facebook ruining marriages since 2006" & "Just because your single doesnt mean your available, Just because your married doesnt mean your taken" or something to that matter. I repeatedly asked her to delete her facebook account because she was on it constantly 24/7. But again she said I was controlling and crazy. 
May is as far back as I went on her phone records, but also found out she was talking to an old bf as well through the month of may, that ended as the new#/guy started, but I have no idea when it began or how long it lasted.
I called both men, the ex bf completely denied, and the other guy said it was only a friendship. Of course I know the motto "lie til you die".
I tried for two weeks to try and get my wife to confess it was a sexual affair. I tried everything from being angry, sympathetic, to driving her crazy asking her repeatedly as she sat there crying. When all of this failed, I finally confessed my wrong doing s, thinking she would do the same. But she stuck to her story. Now if I bring it up, she says I did the same thing, if not worse because I did it with her/our friend.
She says if i leave her, her life will be ruined and she will not be able to function.
Since finding out she does just about everything I request. She immediatly closed her facebook and changed her # with out me asking.

Im confused and dont know what to do. If I stay will this happen again.
i have not been a perfect husband. Cheating has been on my mind during the entire 14yrs of marriage. I have had one affair, and was extremely close to a 2nd. 

Shortly after I got fired from my job I started a my own business and made that my priority from 2011-2013 ignoring the needs of my wife and children. I have never really given it my all and tried to be a good husband, or the kind of husband i would want my daughter to have.

We have 5 children and thats what makes this so tough. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dazed&confuzed1 said:


> Background:
> -Married 15 yrs in may, H35,W33, (5) children ages 9, 12, 14, 14.5, 16.5
> 3 older children are from previous relationships, all have lived with us under same roof
> - Married when I was 21, she was 19. I started it off horrible from the get go.
> ...


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She has basically admitted to another sexual affair, since it was the same as you did.

Get tested for stds, both of you.
Paternity test the kids you think are yours with her. This is cheap to do and easy- google it.

Think about the example you are setting for your children- both of you. It is not healthy.

What do you want from your life?

Get some IC for you and your wife.

This is your wife's second maybe third (ex-bf) affair since you have been married that you know about.

You have had your share as well. Do you really want an open marriage? Is that life style for you?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think that you are thinking about your responsibilities to your children all wrong.

You and your wife had several illegitimate children before meeting and deciding to get married. After marriage, you have several more children. You cheat relentlessly on her before your marriage and continue to cheat during your marriage. You say that you have had cheating on your mind throughout your relationship with your wife.

For her part, she eventually comes to the place that you have always been at, i.e., she is willing to cheat.

Like so many faced with unhappy marriages marked by infidelity, you worry that splitting up will be the wrong thing for the kids.

What is wrong for them, though, is the broken marriage of deceit and dysfunction that you are currently modeling. As a parent, it is your responsibility to keep them safe and to teach them how to be respectful, responsible human beings. You and your wife may well take care of their physical needs, but you are not modeling healthy, respectable adult behavior for them. Not at all.

In my opinion, you should not stay in the marriage if you can't be a mature, faithful husband. Same goes for your wife; she needs to do the same soul-searching. Either you both do the hard work of committing to be the married couple that your children deserve to have as parents, or you two should split up.

Think first and foremost of those five children. They didn't ask for any of this. Staying together 'for the sake of the children' is sometimes the completely wrong thing to do for those very children.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I lost track, are you asking if you should divorce your wife or she should divorce you?

Are you saying she had a revenge affair because of your constant affairs? You're a serial cheater and very few of you can quit cheating. You only care for yourself. Before you do anthing ,you should see if counseling can fix you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> I lost track, are you asking if you should divorce your wife or she should divorce you?
> 
> Are you saying she had a revenge affair because of your constant affairs? You're a serial cheater and very few of you can quit cheating. You only care for yourself. Before you do anthing ,you should see if counseling can fix you.


I agree. Counselling for both of you to enable you to become the parents your children need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You have children and this will impact the family.

Have you made sure she has stopped the A? Has she given up her passwords in addition to getting off facebook?

Has she written you a timeline of the Affairs?

go to counseling for both of you. Try to get a written agreement now about the consequences of continued affairs.

You have many children, a divorce will be expensive. See for the children's sake if you can try to fix this with some hard work and if she is truly remorseful.

Hopefully she will not be like lostcpa's wife.


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## dazed&confuzed1 (Jan 7, 2015)

Thank you for your advice. 

Sorry for long post and everthing being scattered. Please keep in mind all this took place over 15 years. I know its a mess. 
Since being married (14.5) years, I have had one A.
My wife has had one A and one EA(???)

Ive always told myself if she ever cheated again, i was out. But looking back at everything its tough. Total Dysfunction. 

I just think about my kids growing up with out me and it sucks. My dad wasn't in the picture. And my mom and step dad put me out at the age of 15 because of the marital problems.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dazed&confuzed1 said:


> Thank you for your advice.
> 
> Sorry for long post and everthing being scattered. Please keep in mind all this took place over 15 years. I know its a mess.
> Since being married (14.5) years, I have had one A.
> ...


That's a mighty fine selective memory you've got there...



dazed&confuzed1 said:


> 2 months after being together she found out I had sex with another woman (stripper), 1 month after that she found out I had sex with my childrens mother (in our house) while she was out of town.


Let's also not forget about the affair that you were trying to have w/ a co-worker and then didn't... but only because you lost your job.



dazed&confuzed1 said:


> *I just think about my kids growing up with out me and it sucks.* My dad wasn't in the picture. And my mom and step dad put me out at the age of 15 because of the marital problems.


And yet you've done -- at every turn -- precisely the things that are all too likely to bring about this exact outcome.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

First of all, I think both of you sound like you have severe issues that likely prevent a healthy marriage. I don't think you should stay married UNLESS you both undergo serious individual counseling and resolve these issues. You are both have an extremely unhealthy approach to the marriage, and I can only believe there are deeper personal issues at work here for each of you.

Nevertheless, should the two of you decide to work on the marriage, you ought to BOTH get polygraphed to smoke out whatever else you are hiding (and even if you say you aren't hiding anything, you should do it to reassure her...and vice versa).


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Perhaps buy a dictionary and look up the words "commitment", "empathy", "trust", "responsibility", "priorities", patience", "communication" and "vow". Reread them as many times as necessary to learn them thoroughly, not just in knowledge but in practice as well.

Until you and your wife understand these words on a deeper level than what's written on the paper then you have little hope of having a functional marriage. I wish you good fortune.


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