# Sometimes Love is not enough



## netgirl1973 (May 15, 2010)

I did our finances today and I told my husband that he needs to get a job in 3 months, or the marriage is over.
We have a 9 month old baby and he has been out of work for over a year. At first it was ok because when I was pregnant, he was always there for me. But after she was born, suddenly I felt I am a single mom. 
Now I work full time and baby is at day care hoping one of these days he is going to find a job but it hasn't happened. In the mean time, I am paying day care and supporting all of us. And what gets me is, he doesn't even care enough to conserve our resources and doesn't help around the house. 
Told him to find part time retail job but to him, that's just beneath him. 

Other than finances, I do not trust him anymore. I don't believe that he stopped chatting and sending naked pictures of himself to other women on the net. I thought he would change but I should known better.

We argue almost everyday. I have no respect for him and all I do is see all the wrong things he is doing. I do believe love is just not enough. I am exhausted and dissapointed.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I can see why you feel that way. Does he believe you are serious? You may have to make him leave or leave yourself to get him to take you seriously. 

If he is depressed about the job loss, he should get help. It's a common response but he does not have to let it ruin his life--the depression or the job loss. 

Take care of yourself, too.This is so hard when you have an infant--hard any time, but hardest when kids are so young, to be having to do so much. 

I hope things turn around. At least you know you can take care of your daughter if you have to, b/c you are already doing it. God bless.


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## netgirl1973 (May 15, 2010)

Sister359, thank you for your support. I was feeling guilty giving him that ultimatum but I feel I have to because he is taking advantage of me and that's nor fair. He is in therapy but I do not see any results from his sessions. He is just as lazy and thinks when he changed a baby diaper, he deserve a medal. 
Well, we will see in 90 days.


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

so let me get this straight, your husband supported you, cared for you and provided for you when you were pregnant...you even go so far as to say 'he was always there for me'. Now he's the one out of work and you don't think he's being 'fair'? Sorry, but you sound like the selfish one in this equation, marriage is a two way street baby, when the going gets tough you don't bail on your partner because it suddenly doesn't suit you. Yeah he needs to get a job but you sound like you only want him to so you don't have to work yourself. Life doesn't work that way, sorry


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

He probably needs someone to talk to about his career, whatever that is.

Believe it or not, I can kind of understand what's he's thinking - he's thinking if I take a retail job or a pizza delivery dude or whatever. . .I'll end up stuck there and never be able to advance or get back into a good career (not that all retail is bad).

That fear is real and it can be paralyzing.

He needs to be told that it's really okay to just take a job because "any job is better than sharing Cherrios with your cats" There is no shame in taking a "menial job" and he will be able to get back on his feet and an employer won't hold it against him if he tells him he did it for those reasons.

Have him listen to this essay (it's better to listen than read):

Be Cool to the Pizza Dude : NPR

And hopefully he can get his career back on track, whatever that is.


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## netgirl1973 (May 15, 2010)

I know what I said sounds bad. I always have a job. Pregnant or not. Never needed him financially whatsoever and I love working. Even when he was working, I contributed 75% of our household. But now I have a baby and I have to pay for day care because just in case he found a job. He has 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and yet he wasted them. He doesn't even help much around the house. I always tell him, it is ok to take menial job. There is no shame it and if there is more hours in the day, I would take another part time job. But he thinks he is too good for those job. That is the problem. I don't know about everyone out there, I am not making that much money and supporting a baby, husband, household and extra $1000 a month for day care is just too much for me. My wake up call was, I had to buy new baby clothes because she outgrown them and I realized, I have no money left. I haven't been buying any clothes for over a year and I have holes in my shoes. And yet, he uses the funds to buy books because he loves to read. I suggested borrowing from library and again, he said, that's not his character. Blame me all you want, but I know I didn't bail on him. He bailed on us. I am tired of being a human atm and maid to him.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Netgirl, I am in love with you LOL! You stated/wrote "_when I was pregnant, he was always there for me_". So where did all the _"your husband supported you, cared for you and provided for you when you were pregnant_" crap come from??? I declare I don't understand people adding to stories placing all THEIR extra stuff in your mouth. But I see you are a woman who will not be beaten down by inconsiderate and illogical people. Your husband has a jewel in you. Too bad he is only trying to take advantage of you.

I just have one problem with your story if I may. Well okay, maybe two. You said you feel bad about the ultimatum, but surely you know you have nothing to feel bad about, right? Please stop feeling badly and stand your ground. When you feel bad about doing what you have to do, it is much easier for you to be lenient as well as for him to manipulate and play on your sympathies. Just keep in mind you have good reason and that part never changed.

The other thing I want to point out is you gave him way too long. Good grief, it has already been more than a year, so why be so lenient and allow 90 more days? That came out of you feeling badly, remember? One month is all he needs because it does not take 3 months, nor 2 months, nor even 1 whole month to find a job. Lots of jobs are available. Those are the ones he feels he is too good to work. But too bad.

And I have a question: Why on earth isn't he caring for his daughter instead of you paying for daycare? I realize you said it was in case he gets a job. The reality is he is not looking for a job. Another reality is if someone happens to call him suddenly and expects him to show within moments (which you know is not going to happen), then he can take baby to daycare on that occasion. So I am talking about you having to pay for daycare for 1 day for a matter of hours although it is never going to happen, as opposed to you paying for 5-6-7 days a week. What I'm trying to make you see is while he is abusing the situation and your good graces, I'm afraid you are allowing him. At this rate, you are mistreating and taking advantage of yourself. Get me?


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

maybe you need to get a second job to provide for the family


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

No, her husband needs to get a job. She is already providing more than enough for the family!


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## netgirl1973 (May 15, 2010)

Susan, I never said he supported me financially. Yes I gave him ultimatum and I do feel bad. Why, I don't know. Maybe there is a little compassion in me. Should I feel that way, probably not.
As for day care, I am not sure what city you are from but where I am, it will take months to be on the wait list. Trust me, that is not the most expensive day care. If I take her out of day care, I won't be able to put her back in. You are probably going to ask if I have family members and answer is no. They are out of state. I know he is taking advantage of me that is why he will have to leave in end of July if he doesn't get a job.

Anyhow, thank you all for your support. I appreciate it. Makes me feel better that I am standing on my ground and protect my baby and myself from going under with him.


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## leonardo (Mar 28, 2011)

I have discovered your problem. You are a woman who doesn't understand men. Not that it's a bad thing. It's typical for both men and women not to understand the oppisite sex. And you are definately typical. I supported my wife for the first 10 years of our marriage, working those supposedly menial jobs, helping with housework, cooking, encouraging her, coaching the little ones baseball teams etc. etc. etc. All the while supporting HER dreams while she went to school and got a degree. Once she was done and began to build a career, I was no longer needed. Sounds to me like you may need his financial support but you are a typical modern woman in the sence that you don't want or need him for anything else. Where are the comments about friendship, tenderness, love, etc. At least in my case the kids were older before I learned the truth, more than anything in your case, I feel sad for your baby. She will most likely end up without a father and grow up to be just like you.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

leonardo said:


> I have discovered your problem. You are a woman who doesn't understand men. Not that it's a bad thing. It's typical for both men and women not to understand the oppisite sex. And you are definately typical. I supported my wife for the first 10 years of our marriage, working those supposedly menial jobs, helping with housework, cooking, encouraging her, coaching the little ones baseball teams etc. etc. etc. All the while supporting HER dreams while she went to school and got a degree. Once she was done and began to build a career, I was no longer needed. Sounds to me like you may need his financial support but you are a typical modern woman in the sence that you don't want or need him for anything else. Where are the comments about friendship, tenderness, love, etc. At least in my case the kids were older before I learned the truth, more than anything in your case, I feel sad for your baby. She will most likely end up without a father and grow up to be just like you.


I find this comment astounding.

Her husband is lazy, he is not supporting her at all, is not caring for his child and is not even looking for a job. She should leave him ASAP.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Love can't survive without bacon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

leonardo said:


> I have discovered your problem. You are a woman who doesn't understand men. Not that it's a bad thing. It's typical for both men and women not to understand the oppisite sex. And you are definately typical. I supported my wife for the first 10 years of our marriage, working those supposedly menial jobs, helping with housework, cooking, encouraging her, coaching the little ones baseball teams etc. etc. etc. All the while supporting HER dreams while she went to school and got a degree. Once she was done and began to build a career, I was no longer needed. Sounds to me like you may need his financial support but you are a typical modern woman in the sence that you don't want or need him for anything else. Where are the comments about friendship, tenderness, love, etc. At least in my case the kids were older before I learned the truth, more than anything in your case, I feel sad for your baby. She will most likely end up without a father and grow up to be just like you.



There is no romance without finance. The guy has not worked in a year and his wife is supporting him. He's a bum and a loser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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