# Adding my voice to the "separation" chorus



## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

My wife moved out at the end of March, 2.5 weeks ago. It completely blindsided me. Up to that point I'd been still bragging to people what a great person she was, telling her how beautiful she was, how I still thought she was the most amazing person I've ever met, etc. Obviously she wasn't on the same path. 

Just a little background. We have been married for just under 4 years and were both married previously. When I got divorced before it was way overdue and I viewed it as a tremendous blessing. My ex had announced after 20 years and 4 kids that she never really preferred men and that was basically the final straw after a number of rocky years. 

I met my current wife very soon afterward my ex moved out (I never cheated, but when ex moved I was ready to move on), but we both knew it was too soon to get serious or be exclusive so I dated several other women along the way. Eventually I realized that I was just marking time whenever I was with anyone else. I knew I couldn't picture life without her and no one else even came close. We both brought kids to the marriage, her 3 kids and my youngest son. 

As for what led up to the separation, my head is still spinning to a large extent. She has said a few different things, mostly in emails. I have worked on a number of short-term contracts in the IT field while she has a steady job at the hospital. When I was working I earned about twice her pay, but sometimes the breaks between contracts were longer than either us of liked. Still, over the course of our marriage I have earned more than her, considerably more last year. 

I don't claim to be the greatest at keeping up with stuff like medical bills and such. We have at least several hundred dollars that have stacked up over the past couple of years. She talked to me about it a couple of times, but never tried to take charge and take care of it herself, either. 

Another factor is that when I've been out of work sometimes I've had problems with depression about being a drain and some days I have had trouble even getting up and taking care of what needed to be done around the house, while she was pushing extra hard to bring in some overtime at work. 

Along the way when I was worried about not working she always said to not worry, that she knew I'd get something else and that we were in this as a team. When I was feeling down she supported me and said that she understood. She had a rough stretch last summer with some issues and I supported her through that, so I viewed it that we were basically there as a "rock" for each other through rough times. 

A week before she moved out she was acting like she was frustrated with the condition of the house and the strain of overtime. I told her to drop the OT, that we'd find a way to manage without it because it wasn't worth it considering how hard it seemed to be on her. Then she said one morning that things had to change, that I had to take on the responsibility for stuff around the house or she was going to have to leave. That hit my like a ton of rocks, but I agreed it was my responsibility and that with all she was doing she shouldn't have to worry about that sort of thing. I whipped myself into shape and did everything she asked and more where I was able. Still, whenever she had a free day from work she was off spending it at her friend's house, helping out at her friend's home daycare. She claimed she was "getting her 'grandma' on", having fun with the babies to help relieve some stress. It also became evident she was avoiding me. 

A week after she made that statement, she packed a bag and moved to her friend's with her daughters. I was completely floored. The time since, especially the first week, left me as a basket case. I got in to see a doctor and started an anti-depressant and tracked down a counselor. We've had precious little communication since. She said when she moved that she would go to a counselor, changed her mind several days later, the agreed again. Today I finally had an appointment for us together and this morning she sent a text saying that she can't go today, she'd "not ready" and not to call. I'm going ahead on my own.

She has already signed a lease on a new place in town and I have tracked down a smaller place for myself since I can't afford to keep this one on my own. Heck, if it wasn't for some help from my church I'd be out on the street since I'm just on unemployment right now and we've been leasing a nice 5-bedroom house. We're going to have to break the lease here and we're both liable for the rent until it's rented to someone else. 

Throughout our marriage we never had more than minor disagreements, never a real argument. I told her daily how much I loved her and how important she was to me. Fairly regularly I bought her flowers if I thought she'd had a rough day at work, or "just because". I still can't picture life without her. I haven't been able to get her out of my mind for a moment since she left. I can't even bring myself to smile about anything, because I figure what do I have to smile about when everything is so petty compared to my marriage and family? 

Meanwhile, I'm trying to deal with the logistics of the situation. We have a cell phone bill and cay payment that are both due right away, but when I tried to talk to her on Yahoo chat about it the other night, the conversation on her end just descended to where it was hopeless to get anything accomplished. I don't see how I can make the payments on my own, but I don't want them to be late because those are the only two bills in her name. The car payment has to go in today, but I know she won't talk to me today after that text message I received this morning. 

I didn't mean for this to be so long, but of course it's just the tip of the iceberg for what I'm going through right now. I'm busy praying for both of us. Mostly, I'm still feeling lost and confused. I'm glad I found this place to have a chance to read about others who can relate.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

Geez, here is it rough just being in the house alone, even when I know my son is coming back. I've been used to a full house with a big family for so many years, and suddenly, nothing. I'm really dreading this summer when my son will spend most of July and August with his mother in the next state over. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this time. 

This is so bizarre. I'm not divorced, she said she isn't thinking in terms of divorce (at least for now I guess), but I sure can't say that I have exactly have a wife, either. I also feel the pain of suddenly losing the person I consider the best friend I ever found. And not having any companionship really bites. 

I can't get this out of my head for even a moment.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi Smitten!

Sorry you are going thru this. Many of us have been where you are right now. It is the pits! I don't think anyone knows how painful it is until it is experienced first hand. My husband moved out over a year ago and I still have bad days.

During your alone time try to focus on working on YOU. It will greatly benefit you and keep your mind focused on something other than the negative aspects of your situation. The counseling is a great place to start--even if she doesn't go to the sessions. Reading self-help books is a good activity also. You might find a book titled "Hope For the Separated" by Gary Chapman to be helpful at this point. The book has heavy religious over tones, so I realize it isn't for everyone. That brings up something else.... Church can be particularly up-lifting now. The friends I've made at church have given me much strength and encouragement this past year. The main thing is to try to be around "positive" people (friends, family and even strangers). This forum is a nice place to seek refuge from the storm too.

Good luck and may God bless you!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Hi Smitten, I am new to the forum too and really see that people on here do have great words of encouragement. I know how hard it is to be blindsided as I was too. I don't have any family left so I have had to come here for support. I don't have any friends due to the fact that I am disabled and don't work, plus was dedicated to my marriage, so therefore not getting out other than church, is the reason. You can read my posts if interested in my story but I did want to say hello and let you know you aren't alone. I am right here with you along with some other great folks. Hopefully whatever happens we can all support one another.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks for the words of support. I feel so alone in dealing with this mess. We've lived here about 3 years, but during that time I've been working short term contracts and no one really becomes friends with "the temp", so any friends I have I knew through my wife and her work. So, there's precious few options for me to talk to anyone about this. Without work to keep me busy during the day, it's hard to motivate to do much of anything. 

I appreciate the book recommendation, I'll pick up a copy. I've been wanting to find something to read on this subject, but there seems to be so little out there for people in limbo. 

I got a text message from my wife while I was out this evening, asking if we could chat on Yahoo. She was just asking about coming over in the morning to get some stuff and I offered to help if she needed. I started off kind of wary, because she really let loose during a chat earlier this week, like i've never seen her do before. Apparently she's been having a rough time, especially yesterday when she said she basically had a melt-down at work. I want to see her be happy, but I admit I have to see it as potential good news if she's still emotionally invested in this enough to have that sort of reaction. Before we left off I reminded her that I love her and I'll do what I'm able to help her get set up in her place. We're both committed to separate homes with our new leases, so I just have to try to make the best of it. This is so crazy, just a few weeks ago I couldn't have begun to imagine that we'd be at this point now. It hurts....a lot. I told her I set up another session with the counselor next week when she's off work and she's welcome to come if she's ready, otherwise I'll just go alone again. We'll see what happens.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

At least she is still communicating with you thru texts so that is a positive. Good move letting her know you were seeing the therapist and inviting but not insisting she come too. I know what you mean about not expecting to be where you are now. I was still trying to recover from a surgery and being tested for my thyroid problem. I had tried to get my husband to sit down and talk for months though because I knew we had issues that needed discussing but he would always make some excuse, be short with me, etc.. Now that I've seen the cell phone bill I know why. You can't force them into talking, I have found that out the hard way. Sounds like you are handling things the right way by not pushing and letting her know that you are trying to work on yourself.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

Signs of life? I would like to think so, but I really don't know that she knows herself yet. As I said in my last post, she asked if she could come over yesterday morning to collect some stuff and I offered to help. When she came in I didn't say a word, I just went over to the door and gave her a long hug. Best of all, she let me and hugged me back. Through the day she was just a little standoff-ish, but not too bad. After a hauling a few loads to her place she complained about being tired and sore. She'd also gone with her friend to Curves the day before and she's not used to working out. I talked her into letting me give her a massage, so I spent about 30 minutes doing that and then she said she needed a nap. I offered to leave her alone, but when she said that didn't matter I curled up with her for an hour or so while she slept. That was....wonderful. 

Today she came back for more stuff, but she brought her teenage daughter who was home sick from school. I think she may have felt a little funny about yesterday because she declined another massage I offered when she mentioned being tired and sore again, but it was still good to see her and I still got a nice, sincere hug or two. She did write down the time for the appointment with the counselor, so hopefully she'll decide to attend this time. 

One more possible factor. When we were on chat the other night she said had started taking her medication again. Last summer she had a rough stretch, not really sure what happened there, but she started taking Prozac and apparently trazadone. I'm not sure when, but she quit taking it somewhere along the line. After her "meltdown" earlier this week, she started taking it again. On the chat she said her meltdown at work made last summer look like a walk in the park, so I can only imagine what she was going through. She's also in her mid-40s, so I can't help but wonder if some hormone changes are coming into play. 

This is all so weird. Like I said, we never had any real arguments, no storms in the marriage I was aware of, then she just moved out. There was precious little communication, especially in the week or two after she left and I was left wondering where in the heck things were headed. I still have a lot of questions, but at least now it's obvious where we'll be physically over the next year. 

At first I was afraid my only option would be to move a few hours away into my parents house (they're both in their 80s), trying to figure out how to start over from scratch. Thankfully, my minister agreed to help sponsor my attempt to stay here in town and helped me get the lease on the place I'll be moving. It's a tiny little house, but we'll get by. My wife is renting a slightly bigger house, but it's older and needs work. For the time being she and her two daughters will have to share a bedroom until they can get some things done with the other spaces for the girls' rooms. 

I picked up a copy of "Hope for the Separated" last night and look forward to reading it this weekend. Another book that caught my eye by the same author was "The Five Love Languages, Mens Edition". I might check out that one, too. Any other suggestions?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is definitely a must read. Sounds like things are at least a little more hopeful today.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

827Aug, I'll pick up that one when I get the chance. At the very least, I want to figure out how to use this time for self-development. Right now, it's a challenge just to get through the day.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

Man, another rough night trying to sleep. Yesterday wasn't so great either, I had a lot of problems with feeling anger toward her for leaving me, especially the way she did without any real effort at working things out. 

I'm not overly thrilled with Kübler-Ross right now either. (Some of you will know what I mean by that one.)


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

you're going to have a lot of rough nights. my husband left me 8 months ago and i still can't get more than 3 hrs of sleep a night. the only time i get a little more is when my body completely gives out and i practically pass out


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Same here smitten....hardly sleep due to all the worry of how I will survive since I can't work anymore with the disability. I share those feelings of anger too. I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive a man that never opened his mouth to even hint at what his issues in the marriage were, had affair with OW and sneaked out like the coward and worthless man he is to leave someone in my position newly diagnosed with cancer. Yep I'm extremely angry!


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