# i am a sex starved wife help!!



## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

hi im new here
i wamnt advice
im on 2nd marraige but we rarely have sex, i have a very high sex drive but he pushes me away
we only have sex say once a month
he says im nagging him and putting him under pressure we always end up rowing
he always seems to have an excuse not in mood, ill, tired or later but later never comes
he never touches me nor oiral or foreplay and says the thought of touching a womans bits makes him vomit!
he wont even kiss me properly says he chokes or cant breathe
i just get a peck
if i mention sex he gets so angry and he says its my fault and i wind him up
i feel so unwanted i keep trying to tell him how i feel but he wont listen he just shutsd off
he refuses to see a doctor or therapist or talk about my feelings
im on verge of divorce
i think he has mental health issues this cant be normal
i have such a high sex drive its driving me mad im unhappy
he not gay
please advise


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I'm a sex starved wife too. No advice as I've tried EVERYthing with my supposedly non-gay hubby, but you sure do have my sympathy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How was your sex life early in your relationship? Was it ever good?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mama2bestkidsever (Feb 15, 2012)

I posted my story on here today. I wondered for years what the deal was until I found out that he is addicted to pornography and has been for years. The excuses are just to keep the real reason a secret. When my husband confessed to the porn addiction, I did a lot of research on the subject and was shocked at the alarming statistics of men who are in bondage over a sexual addiction of some kind. I obviously can't tell you that this is the case in your marriage, I just know that was what I found out after years of wondering what was wrong with me and why does my husband not want sex.... Best of luck


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

isla~mama said:


> I'm a sex starved wife too. No advice as I've tried EVERYthing with my supposedly non-gay hubby, but you sure do have my sympathy.


what did you try? i just cant get through to him he just shouts at me and i end up in tears he has even slept on the couch to get away from " my nagging"


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

PBear said:


> How was your sex life early in your relationship? Was it ever good?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


not really in th early days i only saw him at weekends at he lived 60 miles away i put him lack of sex down to been tired or shy i thought it would improve its worse now


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Mama2bestkidsever said:


> I posted my story on here today. I wondered for years what the deal was until I found out that he is addicted to pornography and has been for years. The excuses are just to keep the real reason a secret. When my husband confessed to the porn addiction, I did a lot of research on the subject and was shocked at the alarming statistics of men who are in bondage over a sexual addiction of some kind. I obviously can't tell you that this is the case in your marriage, I just know that was what I found out after years of wondering what was wrong with me and why does my husband not want sex.... Best of luck


no he s def not into porn, he told me he finds it disgusting
im at my wits end


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## Mama2bestkidsever (Feb 15, 2012)

My husband has said that in the past as well... He's said anything and everything to deflect from the true issue. I found out for myself and that's when I confronted him. Yes, every excuse in the book not to have sex but there was really a sexual addiction issue.
Hope you get to the bottom of your situation...


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## Samcro (Feb 12, 2012)

what about impotence? many men are embarrassed by it and wont have sex because they think they are lesser of a man.
i know i my case i have PE and dont last long and its a big downer for me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It doesn't help now, but you ignored the warning signs before you got married. Trying to get him to change his sexual functioning now sounds like its as likely as converting a homosexual to become straight. It seems likely the only problem he'll ever see with your sex life is your nagging of him.

Sorry, but I don't know how you'll get someone with such a distaste of sex to actually enjoy it without some form of therapy, and he'll only do that if he sees there's a problem. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Mama2bestkidsever said:


> My husband has said that in the past as well... He's said anything and everything to deflect from the true issue. I found out for myself and that's when I confronted him. Yes, every excuse in the book not to have sex but there was really a sexual addiction issue.
> Hope you get to the bottom of your situation...


i hope i can too but ive run out of options and ideas
he will not listen he says i have the problem not him and if i cry he says im using emotional blackmail to force him to do something he doesnt want to do im not i just get upset


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Samcro said:


> what about impotence? many men are embarrassed by it and wont have sex because they think they are lesser of a man.
> i know i my case i have PE and dont last long and its a big downer for me.


i dont think he is impotent, i do know sometimes when he lets me try he gives me a time limit say 10 mins to get him hard, and if he doesnt he shouts stop and also says he has to be horny to have sex and he rarely is but what about me and my feelings?


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

PBear said:


> It doesn't help now, but you ignored the warning signs before you got married. Trying to get him to change his sexual functioning now sounds like its as likely as converting a homosexual to become straight. It seems likely the only problem he'll ever see with your sex life is your nagging of him.
> 
> Sorry, but I don't know how you'll get someone with such a distaste of sex to actually enjoy it without some form of therapy, and he'll only do that if he sees there's a problem.
> 
> ...


yes i guess i did there were gtimes when i thought id made a mistake i guess i hoped he would change
he blames everything thats gone wrong in his life on his dad having walked out on him when he was a baby he uses that excuse for everything.
he will not go into therapy.


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## Mama2bestkidsever (Feb 15, 2012)

He wants you to leave it alone, period. You know that there is more to this than him just not wanting sex. Don't forget, I am speaking from experience. Figure out what is really going on, it def will not get better by ignoring it....
Good luck


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

This is amazing! I read posts on TAM about wives not getting it from their husbands and vice versa.

If I did not initiate with my wife we would not have a sex life. Sometimes I think "mother nature" is playing with all of us.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What's his relationship history? How old are the two of you? And how long have you two been married and together?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mama2bestkidsever (Feb 15, 2012)

Same here, if I don't initiate....doesn't happen.

I don't want to play with mother nature! ha


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Mama2bestkidsever said:


> He wants you to leave it alone, period. You know that there is more to this than him just not wanting sex. Don't forget, I am speaking from experience. Figure out what is really going on, it def will not get better by ignoring it....
> Good luck


i know he has many issues ive tried to find out whats wrong but he gets angry i dont knw what to do


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

PBear said:


> What's his relationship history? How old are the two of you? And how long have you two been married and together?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


im 45 with 3 teen girls from a previous marriage he is 35 and his first marriage he hadnt had much experience he said he dated a woman for 4 years but they never had sex then she left him
he told me he had a couple of short term flings and that he has never liked oral sex
we have ben together since oct 2007 married aug 2008
he hates kids


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Mama2bestkidsever said:


> Same here, if I don't initiate....doesn't happen.
> 
> I don't want to play with mother nature! ha


yes im the one that always asks he never ever does
he goes mad at me if i look at his anatomy!


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

gonefishin said:


> This is amazing! I read posts on TAM about wives not getting it from their husbands and vice versa.
> 
> If I did not initiate with my wife we would not have a sex life. Sometimes I think "mother nature" is playing with all of us.


i know everyone is quick to say its the wife thats not bothered, in my case its my husband leaving me very frustrated
ive told him im up for anything anytime he can just grab me i would never say no but alas he wont he rather play a computer game!!


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## Leaver (Jan 31, 2012)

I think he is simply abusive. He does not care about your needs. He is content to reap the benefits of your marriage. 

My danger radar is ringing. If I were you I'd have him no where near those teenage daughters. Not a chance. All I hear in your posts is "I have teenage daughters" and "my husband is weird about sex" and "he is ten years younger than me."

In my mind that is a powder keg.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:



carolina said:


> hi im new here
> 
> he never touches me nor oiral or foreplay and says the thought of touching a womans bits makes him vomit!
> he wont even kiss me properly says he chokes or cant breathe
> ...


I do not like to insult people but it sounds like you married a 6 year old boy. Eeeew girls are gross!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

either

1 Gay 

OR 

2 Some kind of serious personality disorder or high functioning schizophrenia.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

He has low testosterone or the crazies.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> either
> 
> 1 Gay
> 
> ...


3
Secret herpes outbreaks. Hey, it was my husband's excuse!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

deejov said:


> 3
> Secret herpes outbreaks. Hey, it was my husband's excuse!


I was thinking that too. But then what do you do? Avoid sex forever? Eat Valtrex all day?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Not sure what the successful method would be, because his wasn't successful. I came here looking for reasons why he didn't desire me.

OP,
It's brutually personal to go through this. And could be complicated.
Reasons range from weight gain, resentment, mental disorders, medical issues, affair, etc etc

It's hard when your partner won't talk about it. 
All you can control right now is looking into your own behaviors, being willing to try different ways to get him to talk to you.

a few posters with really good advice on here, if you are willing to try.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

It's very unusual for a man to marry a woman ten years his senior. No offence, but perhaps he is looking for a mother figure. That would also explain why he is a little grossed out by the sex. How was his relationship with his parents?


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

carolina said:


> what did you try? i just cant get through to him he just shouts at me and i end up in tears he has even slept on the couch to get away from " my nagging"


Oh gosh, I've tried everything, lingerie, offering to watch porn, offering kinky things, acting aggressive, acting passive, you name it. Early on in our marriage he acted like I was harassing him but my attempts diminished over time and it became less of an issue. I'm sorry you're going through this too!


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Leaver said:


> I think he is simply abusive. He does not care about your needs. He is content to reap the benefits of your marriage.
> 
> My danger radar is ringing. If I were you I'd have him no where near those teenage daughters. Not a chance. All I hear in your posts is "I have teenage daughters" and "my husband is weird about sex" and "he is ten years younger than me."
> 
> In my mind that is a powder keg.


i dont have to worry there, he is not interested in my daughters, he says he doesnt like them


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

CrazyGuy said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> I do not like to insult people but it sounds like you married a 6 year old boy. Eeeew girls are gross!


he did live with his mum who did everything for him
he doesnt even help with household chores ever
i realsie he has issues, he wont admit that


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> either
> 
> 1 Gay
> 
> ...


he s not gay id know he s either at work or here shouting at me
i do think he has a personality disorder but he wont get help


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> He has low testosterone or the crazies.


maybe he does, he wont get tested he says im the one with the problem and says i cant make him do what he s not comfortable doing


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

deejov said:


> 3
> Secret herpes outbreaks. Hey, it was my husband's excuse!


lol really? no he s not used that excuse yet lol no he d never have affairs


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> I was thinking that too. But then what do you do? Avoid sex forever? Eat Valtrex all day?


i dont know what to do
we never had sex on our wedding night! he said he was tired
he is full of broken promises and yes he is avoiding sex with a series of excuses he tries to pass off as genuine
he has anger issues and is easily wound up im blamed for everything

i think maybe he s a bit of a hypocondriac as he always seems to have a headache, backache, knee and ankle ache and of course hes had every disease ending in itus lol he gets " flare ups" making him unable to make love of course its not his fault yeah right


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

deejov said:


> Not sure what the successful method would be, because his wasn't successful. I came here looking for reasons why he didn't desire me.
> 
> OP,
> It's brutually personal to go through this. And could be complicated.
> ...


im willing to try everything
the minute i try to discuss the matter he gets so angry and tells me to drop the subject
any ideas how i can approach the subject without getting my head bitten off?
ive tried the dressing up didnt work 
he also said being hard doesnt equal been horny if he s decided no then nothing i do makes any difference


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

MSP said:


> It's very unusual for a man to marry a woman ten years his senior. No offence, but perhaps he is looking for a mother figure. That would also explain why he is a little grossed out by the sex. How was his relationship with his parents?


he was never bothered by my age one thing that sprung to mind was as im older there was less chance of be getting pregnant
he also said if my kids were younger he would have never contacted me on that dating site

he never new his dad his mum had him when she was 18 years old then had his sister 10 months later he and his mum dont see her there estranged
he has a lot of anger towards his dad
he says if he ever met him he would kill him
his mum was very poor and he went without a lot
he told me he had no interest in girls growing up he said he s missing that gene
a strange thing to say


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

isla~mama said:


> Oh gosh, I've tried everything, lingerie, offering to watch porn, offering kinky things, acting aggressive, acting passive, you name it. Early on in our marriage he acted like I was harassing him but my attempts diminished over time and it became less of an issue. I'm sorry you're going through this too!


ive tried all those too to no avail
he says porn is disgusting he wont use toys he wont touch me
its terrible
what can we do?
are you still with him? how do you cope?
its tearing me apart


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

This could be a case of there's nothing you can do. If you have tried absolutly everything and still nothing, then perhaps it's time to change your own attitude towards sex and start to focus on other areas of you life together.

I suppose it's like this. There are some parts of your relationship that work and other parts that don't. While we are sooo focussed of what doesn't work, we often let the good times go by or spoil those good times because we become clouded.

I cn hosestly speak from experience here with that. Yes I'm in that same situation as you. Have tried everything but in the end, it's all broken promises. (Pinky promises, the I swear etc).

Sex is not on the table anymore but these days, I'm really over it. It's became such a major hassle that in the end, it's just not worth it.

Instead of having that husband/wife type relationship, we concentrate more on being partners. Business partners so to speak, friends and general company. I really don't think of my wife as a wife but I don't think of her a just a room mate either. I guess it's somewhere in between.

I'm not saying it's easy to change the way you view your relationship but maybe it's worth thinking about and trying.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Wow this dudes got issuessssss!


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Diolay said:


> This could be a case of there's nothing you can do. If you have tried absolutly everything and still nothing, then perhaps it's time to change your own attitude towards sex and start to focus on other areas of you life together.
> 
> I suppose it's like this. There are some parts of your relationship that work and other parts that don't. While we are sooo focussed of what doesn't work, we often let the good times go by or spoil those good times because we become clouded.
> 
> ...


he is the same always making promises he cant keep
we argue so much about sex its so stressful
have you considered divorce?
ive no where to go thats the problem if i left


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> Wow this dudes got issuessssss!


he has a lot more that just sex issues
he has a real anger problem and a phobia about hygiene
it drives me nuts that he will only shower/wash/hair etc once a month he has greasy/dandruff hair ive tried til im blue in the face to get him to face his problems, to no avail
his answer to everrything is cant be bothered


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

carolina said:


> he never new his dad his mum had him when she was 18 years old then had his sister 10 months later he and his mum dont see her there estranged
> he has a lot of anger towards his dad
> he says if he ever met him he would kill him


I thought so. 

Believe it or not, this is a fairly common occurrence with boys who grow up in a household where the father is either disliked or strongly dominated by the mother. Obviously, they don't all turn out the way your husband has, but his issues have a lot in common with those from similar situations. 

Here is his issue: he doesn't want to be a husband and father-figure, because he did not have a good role-model of his own. The fact that he hates his father is why his own issues have manifested so strongly. He sees you as more of a mother-figure than a wife.

Solutions:


 Don't do anything that would reinforce you being a mother-figure. It's especially important that you come to him for his opinions and let him take the lead in your marriage. There will be a big adjustment period. Give him time. He'll rise to it eventually.
 Be playful and young, even a little immature, though not in a bad way. Act his age and not yours. You need to broaden the gap between wife and mother.
 Be a sexy wife. Flirt lots. It will make him uncomfortable. Tough luck. You have to break that mother image.
 Get him to counseling and make sure that the counselor knows about his family history. You should go to a session on your own first and tell the counselor all this stuff before he goes. His version will be different. The counselor must be male. He probably won't want to open up as much as he will to a female counselor, but he needs to stop seeing women as sexless authority figures.
 He should hang out with manly male friends and do guy stuff. These guys should be positive role-models with good marriages. Maybe a men's group at a church or a sporting club or toastmasters--anything where people who have positive goals come together to talk and hang out.


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

MSP said:


> I thought so.
> 
> Believe it or not, this is a fairly common occurrence with boys who grow up in a household where the father is either disliked or strongly dominated by the mother. Obviously, they don't all turn out the way your husband has, but his issues have a lot in common with those from similar situations.
> 
> ...



the problem is he doesnt have any friends he is a social introvert he soes nothing outside of work
he rings up and asks me what for dinner
ive tried dressing up but he doesnt even notice
how can i get him to a councellor when he wont admit he has a problem?
he doesnt like talking to strangers
i have to speak to people, as he wont

he never helps in the house says its womens work or he s tired from working
he doesnt like me flirting ive tried it does make him uncomfortable he says stop it
i just cant get through to him
i know hes not had many women.
what now?
why wont he make love to me? are the headaches etc esxcuses?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

carolina said:


> the problem is he doesnt have any friends he is a social introvert he soes nothing outside of work


I figured that was the case, which is why I suggested that change. You could start the ball rolling by taking him on double dates with other married couples.



> he rings up and asks me what for dinner


Don't be his mother. Say, "I don't know, dear. You tell me what we should have". Start to guide him towards making the decisions.



> ive tried dressing up but he doesnt even notice


He just doesn't want to notice. Keep at it.



> how can i get him to a councellor when he wont admit he has a problem?


You go first and ask the counselor for advice on getting him to go. 



> he doesnt like talking to strangers
> i have to speak to people, as he wont


Yeah, I know. Invite him into conversations little by little. Just start by asking him to confirm things: "Blah, blah, blah, right, dear? Is that how it was? What do you think?"



> he never helps in the house says its womens work or he s tired from working


Don't worry about this for now.



> he doesnt like me flirting ive tried it does make him uncomfortable he says stop it


Keep doing it anyway, though you can be more subtle. He needs to see you sexually and not as a generic female family member.



> why wont he make love to me? are the headaches etc esxcuses?


Yes. He may actually have headaches, but they're still excuses.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

He is probably watching porn and masturbating. Many married guys prefer this to partner sex in a long term relationship because it is a more intense and exciting experience for them.

He may say he doesn't like it but that's probably just a smokescreen.


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## conciousness (Feb 17, 2012)

I have no advice other than to say I'm a man that has no/little sex drive too. My wife and I typically get along quite well in every other way. I love to show affection through hugs, kisses, and touching her body in flirtatious ways, but I rarely have any fantasy or intention of sex.

She gives me a cold shoulder when it's been too long since we had sex last, and her appearance of resentment pushes me away further through my own resentment and feelings of inadequacy.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

(Quote)
he is the same always making promises he cant keep
we argue so much about sex its so stressful
have you considered divorce?
ive no where to go thats the problem if i left 
(Unquote)

It would be lying if at some time I didn't consider it but I do realise what I have.

It was a hard thing to give up sex. Years ago, for me, I used to make love on average for around 4 hours at a time. A hour or less would be considered a quickie. And this was on avererage 3 or 4 times a week. (Not with my current wife of course). So making love was pretty special and enjoyable.

Having to give that up for the sake of my marriage was something I was prepared to do. But that's me and my situation now. It's probably quite a bit different to yours.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

May I ask - how do you know he is not gay? I have miraculously managed to attract and date quite a few gay men before discovering their secret. It never fails to floor me as to why they would even attempt a heterosexual relationship, but many do. And, I can attest, they do not like having sex with women and will avoid it as much as possible. 

Sadly, your hubby sounds a lot like mine, personality-wise... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

MSP said:


> I figured that was the case, which is w
> ok i shall ask him what he suggests for dinner bit ive ususally earen before h e sback from work and when he s not at work he has a unhealthy obsession with mcdonalds and im a vegetarian
> he can get angry when i dress up
> 
> ...



we dont really know any other couples he s a introvert he never sees work colleagues outside work
he doesnt trust anyone he has real trust issues
when i dress up he gets angry
i can ask what he would prefer for tea, but when he s at work ive normally eaten before he s back
and when he s not a work he has a unhealthy obssesion with mcddonalds, im a vegatarain
he has a prob with overspending he keeps getting into debt
i have to hide money or we couldnt pay bills
there is a sex counsellor in town, i didnt know i could go without him i doubt i can make him go


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Mr B said:


> He is probably watching porn and masturbating. Many married guys prefer this to partner sex in a long term relationship because it is a more intense and exciting experience for them.
> 
> He may say he doesn't like it but that's probably just a smokescreen.


there no way he s watching porn i would know i just would
he goes on a games called railworks he s obsessed with trains and has even been known to make train noises he slike a kid
her said his mum was so poor he never got any toys so maybe thats why he has a spending problem?


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

conciousness said:


> I have no advice other than to say I'm a man that has no/little sex drive too. My wife and I typically get along quite well in every other way. I love to show affection through hugs, kisses, and touching her body in flirtatious ways, but I rarely have any fantasy or intention of sex.
> 
> She gives me a cold shoulder when it's been too long since we had sex last, and her appearance of resentment pushes me away further through my own resentment and feelings of inadequacy.


why do you think he is like this?
he actually told be he is a very horny man lol
if he was he would touch and want me right?
he always has a excuse, although he claims there genuine problems and he is just too tired
he seems to prefer computers games and sleep to me!
if i push him to far he threatens to sleep on the couch
its all very frustrating for me
to me a happy relationship is about lots of sex, he disagrees
he says marruage is about companionship


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Diolay said:


> (Quote)
> he is the same always making promises he cant keep
> we argue so much about sex its so stressful
> have you considered divorce?
> ...


how do you cope? i know a lot of people in our situation would either divorce or have an affair
to live without sex is cruel and selfish of the other partner
partners are supposed to please each other
how long has it been since you 2 had sex if you dont mind me asking?
when we did ,managed to do it, it was always on his terms, he would never touch me he would allow me 10 mins with him if he wasnt hard he would say oh well stop
it would always be him on top i was never allowed to put my legs around him, i had to keep flat and not move 2 mins later it was done
he claimed his knees hurt
everything was always the way he wanted not fair
im not sure i can change him
what is the answer?


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> May I ask - how do you know he is not gay? I have miraculously managed to attract and date quite a few gay men before discovering their secret. It never fails to floor me as to why they would even attempt a heterosexual relationship, but many do. And, I can attest, they do not like having sex with women and will avoid it as much as possible.
> 
> Sadly, your hubby sounds a lot like mine, personality-wise... :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well he cant be gay i would know
he is at work or here with me
i know he finds touching womens parts repulsive, but if he were gay he d be going out alone wihich is something he doesnt do
i always know where he is
is your man similar to mine then?
what do you do to cope?


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

As I said. My situation is probably quite different to yours. 

We have a pretty good relationship outside the bedroom and that's really where I put my energy into.

We talk, go to markets, shopping, go to lunches or dinners, a relativly good social network, (not intrusive though) and we make sure we go away at least once a year.

Currently we are planning our hols Hong Kong. I say planning even though we have booked the tickets and accomodation etc but we're also looking at expanding to Macau and Tiawan.

We both work full time and both contribute the the running of the house in every way. We take it in turns cooking vacuumiing, all that sort of thing. Although usually she does the washing and I hang out the clothes so we have really good chemistry.

As I said, the relationship is all round really good. It just sucks (Or not) in the bedroom.

Last time we had sex was late last year. And trust me, it was nothing to write home about. Just hurry up and get it over with type of thing.


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Diolay said:


> As I said. My situation is probably quite different to yours.
> 
> We have a pretty good relationship outside the bedroom and that's really where I put my energy into.
> 
> ...


dont you even discuss sex?

he never helps expects me to do it all and i get resentful


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Sorry no advice but you ain't alone.
Although my situation isn't quite so bad we have sex once a weekish but ive even seen that start to slip.
My partner also would prefer to play computer games or sats he is ill he is pretty much always ill or says he is.
He don't like kissing much although sometimes he does and i am supposed to magically know the times i can kiss and the times i can't.
Our relationship used to be so great it makes me sad to think back.


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

yours is so similar to mine! i didnt realise its more common than i thought
he is always saying he is ill or busy any excuse to avoid sex
we did have more sex when we first met maybe twice a week but its diwndled to virtually nothing now he s never in the mood
he loves computer games i dont! he hates kissing too never gives me passionate kiss always moves away to the hide never a full on kiss says that l do or i cant breathe your choking me
i dont know what to do


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

carolina said:


> we dont really know any other couples he s a introvert he never sees work colleagues outside work
> he doesnt trust anyone he has real trust issues
> when i dress up he gets angry
> i can ask what he would prefer for tea, but when he s at work ive normally eaten before he s back
> ...


Pick something small and work on that. One step at a time.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

(quote)
dont you even discuss sex?

he never helps expects me to do it all and i get resentful 
(Unquote)

No we never talk about sex any more. What's the point? It's always just the same old same old. "Yeah yeah I'll try" secretly thinking, that'll shut him up.

I have suggested we go to councelling and her response to that was, "Only Americans go tocouncelling and look how they are. Loud mouth crack pots and retards".

On the odd occasions when we would have sex, it got so bad, I don't want to do it with her any more. 

Even when we go away, we have never had sex. 

That's why I turned things around andconcentrated on all te other areas of our marriage. Weeded out what worked and what didn't.


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## conciousness (Feb 17, 2012)

carolina said:


> why do you think he is like this?
> he actually told be he is a very horny man lol
> if he was he would touch and want me right?
> he always has a excuse, although he claims there genuine problems and he is just too tired
> ...


I was confused too. By the sex therapist we saw for a while suggested that I somehow see sex as something Taboo and dirty, and in my respect for my wife, see her as something that should not be "defiled" in such a way. The therapist referenced men who won't have sex with their wife, but will have sex with prostitutes instead. -She was not making a suggestion-
I related to her observation, except that I rarely fantasize about anyone, and when I do It IS about my wife. ???


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

conciousness said:


> I was confused too. By the sex therapist we saw for a while suggested that I somehow see sex as something Taboo and dirty, and in my respect for my wife, see her as something that should not be "defiled" in such a way. The therapist referenced men who won't have sex with their wife, but will have sex with prostitutes instead. -She was not making a suggestion-
> I related to her observation, except that I rarely fantasize about anyone, and when I do It IS about my wife. ???


i cant even get him to a therapist
i think maybe he does see sex as something dirty and disgusting i dont know why
i doubt he fantazises about anyone
he
can be very moody some days rarely speaking whn i try to get him to open up, he swears and shouts at me
its no way to live
are you happy living like that?


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Diolay said:


> (quote)
> dont you even discuss sex?
> 
> he never helps expects me to do it all and i get resentful
> ...


ive tried to get him to talk about sex to no avail, it just gets him angry and makes me cry
yes i agree when the rare time we do have sex its sooo bad it just wasnt worth the arguments he cleary doesnt enjoy it but why?
he wont see a counsellor


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

MSP said:


> Pick something small and work on that. One step at a time.


like what for instance? where do i start? he was very moody last night he just doesnt open up to me and i find it all very frustrating

he doesnt realises the stress its having on me


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

all this is really getting me down its all very frustrating
i keep thinking back to when we have been away on holiday no change there
we went away for a few days 2 years ago to venice for my birthday no sex at all he said the bed was lumpy and his shoulder hurt
then there was the time we spent xmas in portugal he had a headache and so on
seems like excuses to me


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

And then I was thinking, even if through some strange process called 'magic' she ever did anything about sex, ever again, even once, it would be so boring and vanilla it would be pointless anyway. Reading here what middle aged couples consider average and normal is so so so far out of what wifey would ever consider in a million years, it's hardly worth the effort to even bring it up.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

carolina said:


> ive tried to get him to talk about sex to no avail, it just gets him angry and makes me cry
> yes i agree when the rare time we do have sex its sooo bad it just wasnt worth the arguments he cleary doesnt enjoy it but why?
> he wont see a counsellor


Hi carolina ~

Even if your husband won't see a counselor, how about you seeing one? 

Seriously, having a spouse that constantly rejects you and refuses to participate in many aspects of the relationship, slowly starts to erode your sense of self-esteem and self worth away. Many people become riddled with fear about moving on and get caught in a paralysis of doing nothing.

You cannot change your husband.

You CAN change YOU. YOU can see that you are a valuable person who is worthy of contentment and happiness. YOU can see that you are someone who is worthy of respect.

At the very least, YOU can give THOSE THINGS to YOURSELF, and not depend so much on whether your husband is giving you things to validate you. Learn to validate yourself, and you may see your husband, your relationship, and your life with much clearer eyes - and you may see a very strong path forward.

Best wishes.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

carolina said:


> like what for instance? where do i start? he was very moody last night he just doesnt open up to me and i find it all very frustrating


Go to a counselor yourself. Keep flirting here and there. Try to passionately kiss him. Make friends with other couples or join a social or church group. Get him to lead the way in decisions as much as possible--just refuse to make a decision one day without him telling you what he wants.


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

i guess i can speak to a counsellor will it help? i dont have the problem
i dont know any other couples


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## carolina (Feb 15, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Hi carolina ~
> 
> Even if your husband won't see a counselor, how about you seeing one?
> 
> ...


yes it has affected my self esteem i do feel worthless
i have a right to hapiness
he was moody last night
i tried aagian and he said quite firmly dont start and leave me alone
its not fair


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

carolina said:


> i guess i can speak to a counsellor will it help? i dont have the problem
> i dont know any other couples


Hopefully, the counselor will give you suggestions that may turn your husband around somewhat. 

You have to know someone! If not, join an interest group.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

MSP said:


> You have to know someone! If not, join an interest group.


Not uncommon in the UK for people to not know other couples. Lots of people simply don't interact in situations where you meet both partners.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Sawney Beane said:


> Not uncommon in the UK for people to not know other couples. Lots of people simply don't interact in situations where you meet both partners.


Yeah, but if you know one person who is married, you can ask them to do a couples thing.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

MSP said:


> Yeah, but if you know one person who is married, you can ask them to do a couples thing.


Not wanting to hijack this thread, but replying for completeness.

You know one person in the marriage. You don't know the other partner, and perhaps more crucially, you don't know anything about the marriage. You don't know if these are the sort of couple who swing from the lights or a couple who never talk to one another. Most people in the UK don't discuss their partners with other people except on the most superficial level.

Just my two pennyworth, anyway.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Sawney Beane said:


> Not wanting to hijack this thread, but replying for completeness.
> 
> You know one person in the marriage. You don't know the other partner, and perhaps more crucially, you don't know anything about the marriage. You don't know if these are the sort of couple who swing from the lights or a couple who never talk to one another. Most people in the UK don't discuss their partners with other people except on the most superficial level.
> 
> Just my two pennyworth, anyway.


True enough, but you aren't asking them to move in with you. If, for example, you work with someone and get along really well, what's the harm in talking finding out if they have a partner and then asking to get together for a night out? After you guys go out you can decide to keep doing it or not, right?


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## SoCalHubby (Jan 7, 2012)

Questions for OP;

How old are you/husband?

Does he have ED issues or performance anxiety?
That can lead to reluctance to have sex

Are you reasonably attractive? Don't want to insult you or anyone else, but some women put on 50+ pounds and then wonder why their husband doesn't want to f**k them anymore. Of.course the same happens to guys who stop caring about their appearance/fitness. So I'm just asking if you are reasonably appealing/sexy.

Maybe it's ultimatum time...
Let the hubby know that if he doesn't F you, someone else will.
How might he respond to that message?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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