# Misery



## sara nightingale (Aug 11, 2010)

My life has been nothing but stress. It feels like my husband adds to that stress. When I met him he was full of promises. I had my daughter from a previous relationship, and he loved us both instantly. And it's been 5 years and 2 more kids later, he has followed through on none of those sweet promises... he is antisocial, he is demeaning at times, he has threatened me, and he throws things when he's mad. He likes nothing I like. He hogs the controller to the point that I've given up. He never massaged me once, in either of my pregnancies. He doesn't buy me presents on my birthday, he doesn't compliment me -ever, and I am absolutely unchallenged by him mentally. In fact I am pretty sure I hate him. But that said, there are moments of smiles and he is loyal, but his modo in life is "work till you die", while mine is something opposite. 
How do I break it to him, because he has no idea, his ignorance keeps him blissful, I suppose.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

The title of your thread is interesting. "Misery" is also the title of a Stephen King book--and later a movie. I guess it describes your real life horror story nicely. Your post gives some interesting details and one thing stands out to me. There's a really nice book titled "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman that you and your husband will find helpful. It's obvious the two of you aren't speaking each others love languages.


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## sara nightingale (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks for your advice, I will look that book up...

Why is it that we "couple up" anyway? Sometimes I feel like it's the biggest lie ever sold to us (humans). Bigger than religion and economics and politics and even money...it's love that is the thing we all sell our souls for, and rarely do we achieve it.

I was an uninhibited thinker before I met "Mr. Right" and now I find myself deadened and asleep through life. A piece of my mind is to be mourned...but who will mourn it but me? I am a new Sara, a crappier one.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

sara nightingale said:


> Why is it that we "couple up" anyway? Sometimes I feel like it's the biggest lie ever sold to us (humans). Bigger than religion and economics and politics and even money...it's love that is the thing we all sell our souls for, and rarely do we achieve it.


For me it was one of the best things that ever happened to my life, marrying my wife. I guess it just depends on your situation. To make as a broad sweeping statement as you have above shows your true thinking. It's possible (I have no way of knowing how much) that you have a fairly hefty part to play in things as well. With an attitude as negative as yours, it's next to impossible to find happiness. Granted, I don't live your life and I don't know fully your situation. But the one thing you CAN change in this life is yourself. You can never be guaranteed of changing anyone else. So maybe instead of focusing on all of these external forces you have little to no control over, focus on fixing you...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Interesting....who is to say sara is a negative person. Or has her situation driven her to this point? I think a lot of us get so bogged down in our own misery until we can't see anything positive in life. I know I once lived in that dark place. Hope you find your way, sara.


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## sara nightingale (Aug 11, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> With an attitude as negative as yours, it's next to impossible to find happiness. Granted, I don't live your life and I don't know fully your situation. But the one thing you CAN change in this life is yourself. You can never be guaranteed of changing anyone else. So maybe instead of focusing on all of these external forces you have little to no control over, focus on fixing you...


At times I can be a negative nancy, but it is my husband who is the drama queen... he cannot control his emotions. He takes his crap out on me by unleashing his vulgar temper. I basically feel I've married my father. But my parents both died when I was a teenager. I have only him to rely on, and he is a selfish man. I just wish he could see my needs..but he doesn't he sees his alone.

I don't want to deal with him anymore. I just want peace in my life. Truthfully all I really want is to build a self-sustainable home with him like we always intended to do together. The things he can't see are the things I learned young; life is short.

I am laid back. I cook and clean, and I have become June Cleaver for him, but what does he do for me?

We met when I was 24. We spent my $100,000.00 inheritance and bought a house together...it foreclosed two years later. I have nothing but horrible memories. I am broke and broken. And I have no one to tell it to.


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## sara nightingale (Aug 11, 2010)

And he does try hard..he works like a dog. But as a family we have no memories together, because of his antisocial ways we have no friends. I don't know how to keep the upper hand, and truthfully, I don't even want it, it's just that if I don't have it then he does, and he abuses it with his rules and crabbiness.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Interesting....who is to say sara is a negative person. Or has her situation driven her to this point?
> I think a lot of us get so bogged down in our own misery until we can't see anything positive in life. I know I once lived in that dark place. Hope you find your way, sara.


Thing is, what use is it to get bogged down and live in the dark place? Is that conducive to a happy and healthy life? No one forces us to live in misery like that but ourselves. We have the choice to refuse to live in misery. Happiness and misery is truly and entirely subjective. Some of the happiest people I have ever met were some of the poorest people you could imagine. And conversely, we all see how miserable even the richest and most popular people can be. Misery is a state of mind, one in which we control, another person does not control it. That is why I said it's up to her to fix and change herself.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

sara nightingale said:


> The things he can't see are the things I learned young; life is short.


Yes, too short to live in misery. That's why you need to take charge of your life and ensure you don't spend the rest of the time you have on this earth in misery. I don't know what path that will take you on (could be counseling, could be divorce) only you can have that insight.



sara nightingale said:


> I am laid back. I cook and clean, and I have become June Cleaver for him, but what does he do for me?


I don't know Sara, I'm not there to see. This could be as you see it and your husband is simply a bump on a log and useless. It could also be that you yourself are stuck in depression, etc and don't see things clearly. When we are upset and hurt we tend to see the world through our own dark colored glasses. Things my not be as bad as your thinking they are. But, they could be just as bad, I just have no way of knowing, only you do.



sara nightingale said:


> I have nothing but horrible memories. I am broke and broken. And I have no one to tell it to.


Think seriously for a minute, X # of years and you ONLY have horrible memories? I have a hard time truly believing that. There has to be good times, regardless of how many there are. Like I said earlier, sometimes we see things through a dark filter that twists things to look and seem worse then they actually are.


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