# Sex and how husband and I treat each other (problem solving, making and setting goals



## mjw82704 (Jun 20, 2008)

*Does anyone have a story about how their sex life was non existent and then when it got better their husband or wife communication got better. I need hope.*
_I am usually not in the mood to have sex because I am so sad about our life together. I don't like the way he treats me or how I treat him. He is just tough to talk to very critical and we never get any where in our conversations. I'm sure that I am not the easiest to talk to either. I know I avoid him because of this. I am pretty sure he avoids me too although he would never admit it. I have gained 100lbs since our marriage in 2004._ 
I feel very stifled. I miss myself. 
Our positives as a married couple are that we love each other, he never talks negatively to me about my weight gain (never)it does make me worried that he wants me overweight so I won't leave (I don't plan on leaving him either way), we are committed to each other and this marriage. I want to make it happier.
_He says sex will help his focus. When we do have sex. I don't see much of a change but I am thinking that I should give it more time....._
I can take it or leave it with regard to sex. My nerves are so shot in other areas (autoimmune disease, money, weight, child rearing, work, life goals). All these worries make me so tired that I don't feel that I can find the energy (especially when I feel like my husband is adding to the stress).

*But if I hear more recommendations as to why or how it could help out our marriage in these other areas I am willing to give it a try. I love my husband and want to make him happy however I just get so tired of not feeling like he cares about my happiness or our life success together.* 

I miss the person that I was before we got married. Carefree, enjoyed sex, and had hope for the future. I don't think he can get that person back for me I know only I can. So I have to figure out how I can get my old self back for myself, my marriage, and sanity sake.


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## mjw82704 (Jun 20, 2008)

RandomDude said:


> Do what the missus does:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your reply does not seem very nice or helpful. Please delete your post or explain it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Fine deleted, the first post was based on your comment about your weight gain, reminded me of some 'issues' that the missus and I had in the past, which we overcome - because she stuck the middle finger up at me, and pretty much stood her ground.

You then mentioned:


> I miss the person that I was before we got married. Carefree, enjoyed sex, and had hope for the future. I don't think he can get that person back for me I know only I can. So I have to figure out how I can get my old self back for myself, my marriage, and sanity sake.


It's just pride that keeps old selfs/new selfs alive in my opinion.

EDIT: Btw, I never ever, intend to offend on this forum, I just do have a bad habit however, of taking the piss outta stuff from time to time (helps with sanity)


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

mjw82704 said:


> *Does anyone have a story about how their sex life was non existent and then when it got better their husband or wife communication got better. I need hope.*
> <snip> My nerves are so shot in other areas (autoimmune disease, money, weight, child rearing, work, life goals). All these worries make me so tired that I don't feel that I can find the energy (especially when I feel like my husband is adding to the stress).


This


> <snip>I miss the person that I was before we got married. Carefree, enjoyed sex, and had hope for the future.


and this are pretty well mutually exclusive, aren't they? If you're weighed down with cares, you aren't going to be carefree. Can you lighten the load in some areas? Is your weight a function of the autoimmune problems (or treatment for it affects your weight?)? If so, can you put the weight stuff on one side and concentrate on other health issues first? If your life goals are causing you stress and anxiety, are they suitable goals? Can you reframe them into a form you can attack and feel success with?

You do have one big thing on your side - a willingness to have a go at changing yourself. Make a plan you can achieve. Doesn't have to be big or clever. If it's a sex thing, maybe set yourself a goal of _going after _your husband once a month (or every fortnight or six weeks) or whatever you truthfully think you CAN manage. . Not what you would like to be able to, but what you CAN. If he doesn't bite, then that isn't a failure - the plan was for YOU to act and you did. But if he's as you described, he will...


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## mjw82704 (Jun 20, 2008)

Thank you for explaining it Random Dude. I took it another way. Thank you for posting.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No problem 

I don't know if I can really help, especially in the state I am at this moment (staying up all night preparing ammunition for a long overdue fight with my missus! - 6 months! Figures!)

But please do try to have some pride, in married/parental/single whatever life - everyone needs and deserves that to be themselves and who they want to be no matter what.


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## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

You are clearly not happy with yourself. It is possible that you are carrying around this uphappiness with you every second of the day and therefore your husband is picking up this vibe and is probably scared to find out why you feel this way. Some men avoid these conversations because they are afraid that the problem may be something they cannot change and therefore choose to not bring it up.

You need to find something to make yourself feel better. You could join a weight loss group or you could start taking a daily walk to help relieve some stress. A little bit of exercise goes a long way for your body and mind. I too had gained some weight after having children, but have recently lost it all. I created a facebook group and invited some of my friends to join me in reaching our weight loss goal together. We supported each other and I couldn't have asked for better results.

It sounds like you believe yourself to be a in a strong marriage. Maybe you could write all of your feelings down in a letter to your husband (be sure to mention how critical you feel that he is). That way he could take his time choosing the right words in writing back and maybe not be so critical. It sounds like you have small children. I do as well and we find that communicating via email works very well for us. Sometimes we do it just sitting a few feet from each other and the kids have no clue that we are in a heated discussion and sometimes we take an entire day to reply to each other. It always works out for the best and we end up laughing and joking by the end. Nothing is said in anger and if it is, you can always write it down and then edit the messsage before you send it.


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