# Can I have single male friends?



## js9894983 (Dec 3, 2014)

I have a situation I need some advice on. I've just graduated college and recently married to an amazing man. About a year ago, I met a man while traveling who wanted to be friends. Well initially he was hitting on me, but once I explained that I was engaged, he immediately stopped. I haven't heard from him in awhile, but he recently sent me an email asking me to come see a performance of his (he's a very talented musician). Is it inappropriate for me to go to the performance? I've been transparent with my husband through the whole thing, and he keeps saying that he trusts me, but I worry that he's not being completely honest with me about his feelings, and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize our relationship. Any thoughts on this?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Take your husband with you.

Or better just don't go.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

The guy backed off when you asked him to. No history that threatens your hubby. Why don't you both go to the show?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

I would stay away from him and the concert, he may be testing the waters and seeing if you're now a bored wife needing a little fun


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

js9894983 said:


> I have a situation I need some advice on. I've just graduated college and recently married to an amazing man. About a year ago, I met a man while traveling who wanted to be friends. Well initially he was hitting on me, but once I explained that I was engaged, he immediately stopped. I haven't heard from him in awhile, but he recently sent me an email asking me to come see a performance of his (he's a very talented musician). Is it inappropriate for me to go to the performance? I've been transparent with my husband through the whole thing, and he keeps saying that he trusts me, but I worry that he's not being completely honest with me about his feelings, and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize our relationship. Any thoughts on this?


Can you bring your husband?

It sounds like you're doing all the right things and that your husband knows that, respects you for it, and trusts you. Even if you can't bring your husband you should still go and simply keep your eyes open for inappropriate behaviour or unwanted attention.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mr Useless said:


> I would stay away from him and the concert, *he may be testing the waters and seeing if you're now a bored wife needing a little fun*


Yep! If you go, bring your husband.


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## js9894983 (Dec 3, 2014)

I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in. Still, I'll see if he wants to go, and if he doesn't and I still decide to go I will definitely keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from my friend.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

js9894983 said:


> I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in. Still, I'll see if he wants to go, and if he doesn't and I still decide to go I will definitely keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from my friend.


The point is that bringing your husband sends a strong message that you are attached and loyal. Second if you meet up after the show your husband can then determine for himself the fellows intent or if he puts out a vibe he doesn't like.

It will also give your husband a chance to see how you act towards the fellow and it it's the same as other friendships you have.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

js9894983 said:


> I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in. Still, I'll see if he wants to go, and if he doesn't and I still decide to go I will definitely keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from my friend.


Eh... a semi-solid plan. Do yourself a favor and don't drink ANYTHING that he (or _anyone_ other than a bartender/waiter/waitress, for that matter) hands to you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

js9894983 said:


> I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in. Still, I'll see if he wants to go, and if he doesn't and I still decide to go I will definitely keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from my friend.


NOPE. Hubby goes with, or you dont go at all.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

js9894983 said:


> I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in. Still, I'll see if he wants to go, and if he doesn't and I still decide to go I will definitely keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from my friend.


Nope. If your H doesn't want to go...you probably shouldn't go either. The guy was hitting on you at first...I know he backed off once you said you were engaged, but you said it's been awhile. He could be hoping your marriage isn't all that great so he can resume what he started. 

H goes with or no one goes would be your best bet.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

JS,

I am going to give you a hard lesson about men and relationship, many men not all, but many men are dogs, they will hit on you, when they realize you are not interested because you have a relationship, will then pull the friend card, and will sit in the wings, be there to listen or help you out, but don't think for a sec that if the moment is right they will not scoop in and prey on your weak moment. Not for love, for conquest. be hyper-vigilant of that....maybe he is altruistic and then again maybe he is not...this site is full of real life stories to the latter rather than the former. pick wisely


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

My motto is that not everyone is in heat looking for sex. 

If this concert is something you would do and enjoy, go. If it's something that you would naturally invite your husband to, then do so.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is it a free show or do you have to pay? He could be looking to fill the seats or line his pocket. You can always take a married female friend with you if your husband doesn't go. Don't go by yourself.

eta: In answer to your question, it's best not to. Whole can of worms there.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I just don't see the issue. He thought you were a nice gal and didn't realize you were taken. He pumped the brakes once he learned that you were married. If he were up to no good, I don't think he would have cared that you were married.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Janis said:


> I just don't see the issue. He thought you were a nice gal and didn't realize you were taken. He pumped the brakes once he learned that you were married. If he were up to no good, I don't think he would have cared that you were married.


There is no reason for this man to pursue a casual friendship with a married woman. NONE. They are not co-workers, he is not her H's friend, they are not even neighbors... he is NO ONE in the OP's life. The best course of action is to not go to his show at all, and do not return any texts or phone calls from him. If this were some woman reaching out to my man this way, there is no way in hell it would fly.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> There is no reason for this man to pursue a casual friendship with a married woman. NONE. They are not co-workers, he is not her H's friend, they are not even neighbors... he is NO ONE in the OP's life. The best course of action is to not go to his show at all, and do not return any texts or phone calls from him. If this were some woman reaching out to my man this way, there is no way in hell it would fly.


I met a man at a festival once and remained in contact. We hang out here and there. I do not see an issue with me having a friend even though I am engaged.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

js9894983 said:


> I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in. Still, I'll see if he wants to go, and if he doesn't and I still decide to go I will definitely keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from my friend.


Bring a friend with you to the show if your H can't or won't go. Maybe even a single friend who might be interested in the talented musician.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Agree with the above - men generally don't want female friends. It can happen, of course, but there's almost always an ulterior motive. I have many female friends, but I have not, and will not, spend any time with them without my wife present. Not because I don't trust myself (I do), but because it's not something one does when married.

Here's the thing - he's already shown you his hand. He was interested in you, therefore he was attracted to you. It is unlikely he wouldn't still be attracted to you. Friends or not, this is how this relationship started.

It matters very very little that he respected the fact that you were in a relationship, and now married. It really doesn't matter. He may never make another move on you while you are happily married. But the instant there's any trouble, or you're no longer married, he could swoop in.

I disagree with some others who say this is nothing more than a conquest - it may very well, however he may feel a real attraction to you and think about you often. He may have never met another woman like you.

In essence, he may very well be waiting in the wings to try again with you if/when you're single. Now you may very well be thinking "aw, that's so sweet!", especially if you find yourself single sometime down the road and you two get together, and he tells you that he's loved you from the moment he met you, and that he's waited for you. But this is real life, not a romance novel. As of right now, you have a husband at home.

And while he may pose absolutely no threat to your marriage, the fact is that it is rather disingenuous (of both you AND him) to be "waiting in the wings" like that.

Where I do agree with just about everybody else here is this: no matter what his intentions are (ie. conquest, looking for a quick lay, or he's head over heels with you), the fact is that he has an interest in you that goes beyond just being a friend. He IS waiting. Waiting for you to say "yes", waiting for your relationship to end, waiting for you to get drunk, whatever. It absolutely does not matter what his real intentions are, whether they're sketchy or valiant, the fact remains that he does have intentions of some sort.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

3Xnocharm said:


> There is no reason for this man to pursue a casual friendship with a married woman. NONE. They are not co-workers, he is not her H's friend, they are not even neighbors... he is NO ONE in the OP's life. The best course of action is to not go to his show at all, and do not return any texts or phone calls from him. If this were some woman reaching out to my man this way, there is no way in hell it would fly.


I agree to a point. OP has been very transparent with her husband about this, which is a great sign. She clearly has no interest in this guy in that way, or at the very least, her interest in her husband supersedes any interest in Rock Star. Good for her, and her husband is a lucky man.

However, I don't see why all contact has to cease. All OP has to do is make sure that any time she ever sees this guy, her husband is present. And when hubby can't be, or doesn't want to, then OP simply has to tell Rock Star that.

Rock Star: "So are you going to come to my show?"

OP: "Sorry, my husband doesn't want to, so we'll pass. Thanks for the invite, though!" (note the wording - "WE", not "I".)

Rock Star: "Well you can still come, no? You can go places without your husband, can't you?" (which should tell OP that he'd PREFER her husband not come anyway, and is also a guilt trip or even a challenge.)

OP: "I sure can, but this is something I'd rather do with him, and since he can't go, maybe next time."


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Agree with others just take husband. So long as your friendship with him remains as a couple should be no issue


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

js9894983 said:


> I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in. Still, I'll see if he wants to go, and if he doesn't and I still decide to go I will definitely keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from my friend.


Just buy the CD and call it good.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

He wants in your pants. Definitely. If you tell him you would rather not go because of hubby, that will be seen as a "crack" in your marriage and he WILL try and drive a bus through it.

Instead, take hubby along and promise him that he can boo all he wants during the performance if he doesn't like the music. I would really enjoy doing that for one. 

Also it would really put a damper on lover boy's romantic gestures.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Janis you are being neive  I like your posts though so I forgive you 

ABSOLUTELY Do not go alone. Take a friend, relative, someone. You going alone sets off all kinds of signals to the guy, and not something I would think is a good thing. 

Are you attracted to this guy? Be honest.
Are you looking for excitement?

What does your husband say? He may try to say the right thing and say "yeah, I trust you, go ahead" but I can tell you that's not really true. He won't like it one bit. Why would you do something like that to him?


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

Firstly you're not going to notice suspicious behaviour. He will act like a friend. Invite you to more of his concerts, then maybe a coffee afterwards to discuss it, or to discuss everyday things in general. All friendly like. Then he'll be texting you more and more often and again it will be innocent stuff, asking how your day is. After a while you'll be thinking what a great friend he is. Then you'll get annoyed at your husband over something minor and tell him. He'll be sympathetic and may say that your husband was wrong. But he won't be too negative about him. He'll say how you can come to him whenever you need someone to talk to. Which you do. Again over minor things. By now you'll be thinking what a great person he is. How he's helped you through so much. He will also give you compliments. Again it can seem innocent. But bit by bit it will get less innocent until he starts telling you how beautiful you are. This will become a common comment every time you meet up. 

One day he may end up kissing you but apologise straight after. You'll both agree it was wrong but won't stop seeing each other. Very big mistake.

Then your husband may notice all the texting and meeting up and ask you to stop seeing him. You'll get angry and think he's controlling because how dare he tell you to stop seeing a good friend like him. And in your mind he is a friend who helps and understands you. This will be shared with the friend. Over time he would have increased the negative comments about your husband. He'll agree about your husband being controlling and you'll start bringing up other things from your relationship. And suddenly your husband is a terrible person. Your friend is looking even better every day. Then it turns in to a PA. 

It may even turn in to a PA before your husband notices anything is wrong. At the end of the day you two will be getting close over time. Maybe you have an argument with your husband and guess who you will go to for help. 

As you can see, it can start out really innocently and bit by bit you fall in to an EA then a PA. He may be innocent and not do any of this. He may also start out with the intention of just being a friend. I'm also not saying you are only wanting to go to the concert because you are planning on having an affair. I don't think you are. But you know he is attracted to you. So be very careful about what you decide to do. 

A lot of affairs take time. They don't just happen straight away. All this could happen over months sometimes even years. Problems you should be discussing with your spouse are discussed with the friend. So the spouse doesn't even get a chance to sort out something you're unhappy with because they don't know about it. Therefore the connection you have with the friend becomes stronger and the one you have with the spouse becomes weaker.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Rock Star: "So are you going to come to my show?"





> Instead, take hubby along and promise him that he can boo all he wants during the performance if he doesn't like the music.


Lol, he probably plays the cello or piano or something.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hey Jerry Lee and Lil Richard played the piano - nothing wrong with that. Just ask him for "old time rock and roll requests" non stop - especially if he is playing his original music.

However, cello is another matter: "Hey Mr. You're playing that guitar wrong! Also its making an awful noise. And what's the stick for ? To beat your a$$ for making that awful sound?"

Can I attend one of his performances please ?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Is it a free show or do you have to pay? He could be looking to fill the seats or line his pocket. *You can always take a married female friend with you if your husband doesn't go. * Don't go by yourself.
> 
> eta: In answer to your question, it's best not to. Whole can of worms there.


Definitely not with my husband!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

norajane said:


> Lol, he probably plays the cello or piano or something.


There are plenty of hot piano players - not sure about cellists.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Definitely not with my husband!


So, your husband doesn't allow you to go to a show with a married female friend?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh, I know. It just struck me funny that TAM really knows nothing about this guy, but we're sure he's a rock star waiting to prey on married women with groupies lining up around the block.

He's probably a nice young man who plays the cello or oboe or piano, lucky to get a concert where anyone attends who isn't a beaming parent. He met a young lady, found out she was married and backed off, but invited her as well as everyone he's ever met to come to his show.

Not everyone is a rock star predator.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> So, your husband doesn't allow you to go to a show with a married female friend?


Oops, I missed something.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> Just buy the CD and call it good.


:rofl:



Janis said:


> My motto is that not everyone is in heat looking for sex.


What strange, twisted world do you live in?





Kidding.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

norajane said:


> Not everyone is a rock star predator.


Speak for yourself! 

Haha. Just kidding. 

But seriously -- Rockstar Predator should be the name of a band.  I love it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

norajane said:


> Oh, I know. It just struck me funny that TAM really knows nothing about this guy, but we're sure he's a rock star waiting to prey on married women with groupies lining up around the block.
> 
> He's probably a nice young man who plays the cello or oboe or piano, lucky to get a concert where anyone attends who isn't a beaming parent. He met a young lady, found out she was married and backed off, but invited her as well as everyone he's ever met to come to his show.
> 
> Not everyone is a rock star predator.


Really, a nice young man? Lets see:



js9894983 said:


> *I have a situation* I need some advice on. I've just graduated college and recently married to an amazing man. About a year ago, *I met a man while traveling who wanted to be friends*. Well *initially he was hitting on me, but once I explained that I was engaged, he immediately stopped*. I *haven't heard from him in awhile*, but he r*ecently sent me an email asking me to come see a performance of his *(he's a very talented musician). Is it inappropriate for me to go to the performance? I've been transparent with my husband through the whole thing, and he keeps saying that he trusts me, but *I worry that he's not being completely honest with me about his feelings*, and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize our relationship. Any thoughts on this?


Nice young man "didn't notice the engagement ring", and hit on taken woman. While travelling! When told to back off, disappears for a bit and then suddenly appears again inviting engaged lady to concert of his. 

And OP's gut tells her something is amiss, both in terms of whether she should go and possible hurt to husband. That's why she is here!

Nice young man should have said, are you married by now ? How's it going ? Would your hubby and you like to come to my concert ?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> There are plenty of hot piano players - not sure about cellists.


Come on now, I bet Yo Yo Ma gets all kinds of trim. :smthumbup:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Really, a nice young man? Lets see:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My read of what she said was she was referring to her husband, and she was worried her husband might not be honest about trusting her and not giving a crap about this guy.


> I've been transparent with my husband through the whole thing, and he keeps saying that he trusts me, but I worry that he's not being completely honest with me about his feelings, and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize our relationship.


I read this sentence to be entirely about her husband when she says "he."


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

norajane said:


> Oh, I know. It just struck me funny that TAM really knows nothing about this guy, but we're sure he's a rock star waiting to prey on married women with groupies lining up around the block.
> 
> He's probably a nice young man who plays the cello or oboe or piano, lucky to get a concert where anyone attends who isn't a beaming parent. He met a young lady, found out she was married and backed off, but invited her as well as everyone he's ever met to come to his show.
> 
> Not everyone is a rock star predator.


I don't assume he is a predator. I do notice that when a WS has an affair the OM is called a predator and the WS is someone that was taken advantage of. Yes they say the WS was in the wrong but they like to say that they hadn't intended to have an affair from the start but the OM did. But I don't think that's the case all the time. Both the WS and the OM may start out as friends without any intention of having an affair. I hear all the time at work people talking about problems with their spouses. And people will agree and may even say the spouse is an a$$. This is men and women. But its doesn't mean they are all doing this so that they can sleep with them.

It would be great if everyone could learn early on about the dangers of EA's. Though it may only help a few people. Most people think their situation is different.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Aside from my one post, I haven't had time to follow the thread so this may be redundant…

Here is my problem- You are young and a talented musician who clearly likes you is asking you to come and watch him perform. 

So you go. He is really talented. You like that. 

At some point in time he continues a casual connection that seems harmless. You always see him at his best. That is the impression you keep.

At some point in time, for any number of a host of reasons, you will reply in kind- even if innocently so. 

The friendship continues to develop.

It becomes an emotional affair, but still you are distant.

Then it's coffee.

Then weeks later it's lunch.

Then weeks later it's dinner. And his place.

Smoothly, seamlessly he got you in his web. He befriended you, showed you his very best and gentlemanly side for weeks or even months, and then caught you in the inevitable moment of weakness- but still no hard pressure, just a "let's have coffee". And the slippery slope trap was pretty much to the point you couldn't stop it if you wanted to.

So now you are an adulteress. And all that comes with it in all its radiant glory.

And it all started with, "come see me play".

You don't, and never will, see it coming. It's the way it is.

So you set hard margins and boundaries right now. Whatever form they may take. Even if it seems silly. Because once you start down the path, it's essentially over. 

Some people will laugh at this, and they may be right as not all men are like this- only about 99%. So maybe he's in the 1%. Is it worth it to find out?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

js9894983 said:


> About a year ago, I met a man while traveling who wanted to be friends. Well initially he was hitting on me, but once I explained that I was engaged, he immediately stopped. I haven't heard from him in awhile, but he recently sent me an email asking me to come see a performance of his (he's a very talented musician).


 Although you could tell the other man (OM) that was interested in you enough to hit on you that you would like to bring your husband, why was the invitation only to you and not to you and your husband? Also, once you explained to the OM that the ring meant that you were taken (as if he did not know), did you really expect him to continue openly hitting on you if he was still interested and wanted to continue pursuing you? One more thing, do you often give out your email address to other men that you meet after they have shown that they were interested in you by hitting on you?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

TRy said:


> Although you could tell the other man (OM) that was interested in you enough to hit on you that you would like to bring your husband, why was the invitation only to you and not to you and your husband? Also, once you explained to the OM that the ring meant that you were taken (as if he did not know), did you really expect him to continue openly hitting on you if he was still interested and wanted to continue pursuing you? One more thing, do you often give out your email address to other men that you meet after they have shown that they were interested in you by hitting on you?


All strong points to consider.

He must see you as 'easy'.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

js9894983 said:


> I have a situation I need some advice on. I've just graduated college and recently married to an amazing man. About a year ago, I met a man while traveling who wanted to be friends. Well initially he was hitting on me, but once I explained that I was engaged, he immediately stopped. I haven't heard from him in awhile, but he recently sent me an email asking me to come see a performance of his (he's a very talented musician). Is it inappropriate for me to go to the performance? I've been transparent with my husband through the whole thing, and he keeps saying that he trusts me, but I worry that he's not being completely honest with me about his feelings, and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize our relationship. Any thoughts on this?



Bring your H to the show. Any and all contact after the performance should be shared with your H. When conversing with the OM make sure you interject you H into the conversation. IE. "My H really enjoyed the performance."

After all, is there any reason your H cannot be the OM friend as well? :scratchhead:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why is it assumed she was wearing an engagement ring? Not everyone who gets engaged gets a ring. There are plenty of married women walking around wearing a simple gold band.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

js9894983 said:


> I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in. Still, I'll see if he wants to go, and if he doesn't and I still decide to go I will definitely keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from my friend.


There are things by W likes to do that are not my cup of tea but I do in support anyway. I do things she does not like but she goes in support anyway. It is called being married.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Why is it assumed she was wearing an engagement ring? Not everyone who gets engaged gets a ring. There are plenty of married women walking around wearing a simple gold band.


Most I know, if not all, wear both the gold band and engagement ring. I can not say I know anyone that has not received a ring when asked for their hand in marriage. :scratchhead:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Why is it assumed she was wearing an engagement ring? Not everyone who gets engaged gets a ring. There are plenty of married women walking around wearing a simple gold band.


If that's the case, the poster has one cheap a$$ fiance`

No wonder she's letting some punk rocker hit on and tempt her.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Straight no ,
And if you go even with HUb you will regret it .


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Aside from my one post, I haven't had time to follow the thread so this may be redundant…
> 
> Here is my problem- You are young and a talented musician who clearly likes you is asking you to come and watch him perform.
> 
> ...


The beauty part of it for guys like this is they can do this with MULTIPLE women. They seem the great guy that listens and is "there" for her.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> The beauty part of it for guys like this is they can do this with MULTIPLE women. They seem the great guy that listens and is "there" for her.


One of my friends is like this. He gets more married a$$ than a toilet seat.

Why?

Because he is a great friend. He has it down to a science to include emails with pics of he and his folks...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

norajane said:


> My read of what she said was she was referring to her husband, and she was worried her husband might not be honest about trusting her and not giving a crap about this guy.
> 
> 
> I read this sentence to be entirely about her husband when she says "he."


So did I - she knows that there could be trouble with going to see him - with her husband! Hence her gut is telling her this is probably wrong.

There are some very good descriptions here of how this could easily escalate in to something more - all of them very realistic and more importantly, based on real life experiences here at TAM. Even the most innocent of such hookups could go pear-shaped real fast!

By the way, where is OP ???


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> One of my friends is like this. He gets more married a$$ than a toilet seat.
> 
> Why?
> 
> Because he is a great friend. He has it down to a science to include emails with pics of he and his folks...


You hang with a proven predator?I'm shocked.

Its also shocking how little, actually nothing, some of our fairer sexed posters know about men.

Op says her hubby "keeps" telling her how much he trustes her. Obviously, she knows better because she "keeps" having to go over it with him.

Assuming he is not a classic artist, everyone knows why guys want to be rock stars, right? Hint, it has only a little to do with the music.

As a side note here are a couple of cello players the ladies may like,http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=a_Bv6tZuJWI


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

js9894983 said:


> I have a situation I need some advice on. I've just graduated college and recently married to an amazing man. About a year ago, I met a man while traveling who wanted to be friends. Well initially he was hitting on me, but once I explained that I was engaged, he immediately stopped. I haven't heard from him in awhile, but he recently sent me an email asking me to come see a performance of his (he's a very talented musician). Is it inappropriate for me to go to the performance? I've been transparent with my husband through the whole thing, and he keeps saying that he trusts me, but I worry that he's not being completely honest with me about his feelings, and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize our relationship. Any thoughts on this?


Flip it around and think about it. Some girl hits on your husband but he says he's married and shuts her down but now she wants to be friends. Why does she want to be friends with a married man first off? Now imagine this girl invites him to see her show. The show that she's the spotlight of and looking immensely more sexy and attractive to him. Okay do you want your husband to go? It seems disrespectful if he did. It seems disrespectful to me that you're considering going to this one.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP are you still there ?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> OP are you still there ?


I think he's taking up music lessons...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> OP are you still there ?


We here at TAM have this way of taking nice, simple people and driving then in the ground.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Can you have single male friends? Probably not. Friendships with the opposite sex is never a good idea when you are in a committed relationship. I think you should stay away from this guy in particular because he was hitting on you once. Just don't go and break off contact with him.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

No, and you shouldn't have any married male friends that you would socialize with without your husband.

Slippery slope.

seasalt


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

My god I hope none of you are ever on a jury. The prosecutor wouldn't need to make a case. You'd have the defendant convicted and hung of offenses that no one had even thought of before the closing arguments. 

The OP has gone because she asked a simple question and included the information that she's been honest with her husband and you lot have had her into an affair just by sitting in an audience. 
Many musicians in bands invite lots of people they know to concerts because that's what they do, they perform to audiences. 
Those of you who wouldn't trust their spouse to go out without them have a big problem. 

Of course you can have single friends of the opposite sex.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. I would let my wife go with a friend. I trust my wife but nit people I don't know. I would probably go to provide security.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

js9894983 said:


> I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in. Still, I'll see if he wants to go, and if he doesn't and I still decide to go I will definitely keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from my friend.


If your husband will not go, will you go with anther friend (not the guy performing)? Or are you going by yourself?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Janis said:


> My motto is that not everyone is in heat looking for sex.


That comment is correct only in that not everyone is male.

I just want you to know, OP, that the ONLY reason this man reached out to you is for the potential sex. I have zero doubt about that. ZERO. If you're good putting yourself out there with that in mind, by all means go.

I suspect you want friendship from this man. You will be disappointed.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

js9894983 said:


> I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in.


I never understand these kind of thoughts.

I do a lot of things with my wife that she is interested in doing.

She does a lot of things with me that I am interested in doing.

I never labor over the idea that she might be or might not be interested in doing these things with me. The point is that we are together and we are doing things together and we both have a good time. We share our interests with each other.

You want your husband to go - then he should go with you. There shouldn't be even one thought that maybe he is not interested.

Now that I am done ranting I want to ask how important is this one event in the whole scheme of your life? Is it more important than a marriage? If there is any question at all then you should not go.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

WonkyNinja said:


> My god I hope none of you are ever on a jury. The prosecutor wouldn't need to make a case. You'd have the defendant convicted and hung of offenses that no one had even thought of before the closing arguments.
> 
> The OP has gone because she asked a simple question and included the information that she's been honest with her husband and you lot have had her into an affair just by sitting in an audience.
> Many musicians in bands invite lots of people they know to concerts because that's what they do, they perform to audiences.
> ...


Fair enough, but the smartest thing to do is not put yourself into poisitons that could lead to something like what people are describing. 

My stbw has male firends, but none that ever showed romantic interest, she knows that is not happening. And by "friends", it's more like acquantices. Her texting and emailing other men daily is not soemthing I'm comfortable with.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

WonkyNinja said:


> My god I hope none of you are ever on a jury. The prosecutor wouldn't need to make a case. You'd have the defendant convicted and hung of offenses that no one had even thought of before the closing arguments.
> 
> The OP has gone because she asked a simple question and included the information that she's been honest with her husband and you lot have had her into an affair just by sitting in an audience.
> Many musicians in bands invite lots of people they know to concerts because that's what they do, they perform to audiences.
> ...


Nobody is accusing the OP of anything. It's the guy they're accusing of something - and they're right.

What IS happening here, is that OP is being warned of what may happen, of what the guy is thinking, and what his motives are. They're letting her know that she shouldn't go into this naively. And again, they're right.

Maybe he won't do a thing this time, or even next. But the facts are that he initially found her attractive and hit on her the first time they met. He knows she is married now (was engaged at the time). That was how their "friendship" started. Not as friends, but as a man who was hitting on an attractive woman.

I am a man, and I will tell you with 100% honesty, he is not interested in being friends with her. He wants her around for other reasons, or the potential of other things happening. Or he's simply being patient and waiting for an opportunity (either the end of her marriage, or the possibility that she will slip up WHILE married.

IMO, you don't give guys (or girls) an "in" like this. If her husband goes along with her, that sends a message loud and clear. In fact, if he tags along, I am willing to bet the farm that she never hears from him again afterwards. If she goes without him, that sends a message to the guy (rightly or wrongly) that she has an interest, however minuscule it is. This interest may or may not exist, it may be in the back of her mind, it may be subconscious. But his version of events is "she's here to see me play, and she didn't bring her husband!"


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## darkwing (Jan 2, 2014)

Why is everyone seen to say bring your husband? 

I meant, if you are married and you don't trust your partner, why got married in the first place? 

If you feed threaten by a stranger, then you need to look into the mirror and ask what can you do to strengthen your relationship with your partner. 

I never question where my wife go when she goes out. If she want to tell me, I will listen. But if she left me for another man, that basically mean I was not doing enough or I simply being in a comfort zone and ignored all the signs she been giving me


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## darkwing (Jan 2, 2014)

My point was, you cannot control other people action. 

Maybe he want to get into your pant, but it is ultimately your decision. You can always say no


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

My perspectives/opinions for what it's worth: I'm older than OP and married in mid life after a lot of dating and serial monogamy. I had lots of male friends, in fact most of my friends were male because I always found men easier and more interesting to talk to than females.

I had a boyfriend I cared about deeply who was jealous of my other male friends. I could not understand his jealousy esp. of one particular guy friend. There was no reason for him to feel jealous, I had no feelings for the guy, he was just a friend from a group we all attended and he had lots of female friends and as far as I knew was not interested in dating or hitting or anyone. But my boyfriend was jealous; he was insecure and sensitive, and I suppose I might have contributed to his jealousy because there were messages on my answering machine, I did get together with the guy socially, etc. I was younger and had never been in a mature, committed, trusting relationship and felt entitled to do as I pleased.

I eventually lost the boyfriend I cared about so deeply; his insecurity led to alcoholism, lots and lots of bad stuff, deep hurts. It took me a long time to recover from losing him. But I learned a lot. I learned that for me it's not okay to have guy friends. I made up my mind to cultivate female friendships. I learned to be someone my current husband could trust, as in "forsaking all others." 

Early in my marriage there was a time or two when someone seemed interested in me. I always was open with the guy and with my husband, and I never got involved in any way or saw them socially. My husband never had a problem with it - he always said, "You're married, you're not dead." But we trust each other implicitly and we do not have opposite sex friends.

I always felt men and women could be friends, because I could, but some feel differently. I think every couple should work it out for themselves. This couple is young and probably have both-sex friends.

I sort of think don't go to the concert. Marriage trumps such things esp. if it means honoring the other's feelings. What's the point of going, really? But if the husband feels okay about going together and wants to go to the concert, then go. But then that's potentially leading into the realm of texting, emailing, all that stuff that breeds distrust. She may not be doing anything wrong having a friendship to herself, but if it creates a problem for the husband or marriage, maybe don't do it.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

darkwing said:


> Why is everyone seen to say bring your husband?
> 
> I meant, if you are married and you don't trust your partner, why got married in the first place?
> 
> ...


Nor should you feel threatened, if you trust your partner.

But trust is fickle. No relationship is perfect, and no partner is the "perfect partner". I am head over heels for my wife. But she has her faults and her drawbacks and her issues, just as I have mine.

It is extremely easy to have these faults and drawbacks and issues come to the forefront when you are around somebody of the opposite sex who does not have them. This breeds resentment, no matter how much you love your partner.

OP, I believe, has NO intention of doing anything with this guy, none at all. She clearly loves her husband, and communicates openly and honestly with him. There is trust there from him, clearly.

Say she goes to the concert with a friend, or by herself. After the show, she hangs out with the guy for a little bit, even if it's with other people around. Her husband is not there. All this guy has to do is point that out in a negative way, and he's planted a seed. Seeds grow.

This is not a reflection on OP's character AT ALL. This is something that can happen to anyone, anywhere, no matter how chaste or virtuous or loyal or in love they are. This does NOT mean that OP would, or even could, cheat on her husband. But at the very least, it's planted a seed in her head that her husband is not there, enjoying this concert WITH her, for whatever reason. There are many other seeds that this guy can plant, as well. Hubby's at home playing xbox while this guy is in the spotlight, playing a concert in front of dozens, hundreds, or thousands of people. He may be the "next big thing" in whatever genre of music he's in. He's accomplished something, or about to accomplish something, perhaps big. Hubby's got a steady 9-5 at home and leaves his socks on the floor and the toilet seat up. Seeds are planted.

Look, when my wife and I are around our friends (couples or singles) and the conversation turns to sex (which it doesn't often do, but we're adults, and sometimes we drink), my wife clams up and gets uncomfortable. I adore her, she's the love of my life, but when I see other couples, or women, speaking openly and honestly about sex and sexuality, it never fails to irk me, even a little bit, that my own wife can barely communicate about the subject alone with me, never mind in front of other people.

People always say "I love everything about my husband/wife", but that's not true, and we all know it. We ALL have things that bother us about our spouses, or wish were different, or that they saw things the way we do. That doesn't mean we're not 100% in love with them. Over the course of my marriage, I can't keep away from other people talking about sex and sexuality. It's going to happen, and it's going to bother me that my wife isn't open like that. OP can't keep away from meeting or hanging out with people that do things her husband doesn't that she wishes he did, and that could possibly build resentment for her towards him.

The trick is not to be alone with these people if you can help it, and certainly to not enable them to plant these seeds.

The fact of the matter is, this guy is attempting to do just that. He's "checking in" on OP, seeing if the marriage is strong. He invited HER, not both of them to his concert. If she shows up without him, which he is hoping, he is planning on her seeing him being in the spotlight, performing in front of an audience, putting on a show for people who like him, his music, his band, his mad piano skills. He is hoping that she will view him as being attractive - which she probably will, even if OP means to or not. Seed planted.

That's what this is about. Not trust. Not OP doing something wrong. This is entirely about avoiding situations that can put a marriage or relationship at risk. You can't avoid them all, but you can avoid this one.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

alexm said:


> Nor should you feel threatened, if you trust your partner.
> 
> But trust is fickle. No relationship is perfect, and no partner is the "perfect partner". I am head over heels for my wife. But she has her faults and her drawbacks and her issues, just as I have mine.
> 
> ...


This is a BRILLIANT post! :toast:


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Though I think it's good advice to tell the OP to be careful, take H or friend ect as he may well be waiting in the wings or hoping for sex or what ever.

More then likely he just wanted an audience. That's what musicians (or people trying to be) do they invite in courage every one they know or have ever meet to come to there shows and bring there friends. Because without an audience they might as well play to them selves at home.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

No point debating this anymore. OP has left - only two posts on page 1 and here we are at page 5 !!!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP - 

why do you want to maintain your friendship with this guy? which you seem to want to do by taking him up on his invite to hear him play?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

js9894983 said:


> I have a situation I need some advice on. I've just graduated college and recently married to an amazing man. About a year ago, I met a man while traveling who wanted to be friends. Well initially he was hitting on me


Well then he isn't and never will be "just" a friend.




> but once I explained that I was engaged, he immediately stopped. I haven't heard from him in awhile, but he recently sent me an email asking me to come see a performance of his (he's a very talented musician). Is it inappropriate for me to go to the performance?


Sure, if you take your husband with you.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> No point debating this anymore. OP has left - only two posts on page 1 and here we are at page 5 !!!


In my opinion, this was a troll thread and created with intent to get a couple of trigger comments and then chastise them. Notice after a few pages, Wonky and Dark jumped in to do the chastising. Three user names but probably one or two actual posters having fun.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

darkwing said:


> Why is everyone seen to say bring your husband?
> 
> I meant, if you are married and you don't trust your partner, why got married in the first place?
> 
> ...


If you wish to continue believing this do not go to the coping with infidelity section and read the hundreds of threads that start out just like the post you have written.

Some folks are born cheaters, others, well, it just sneaks up on them and shocks them as much as it does their destroyed spouses.

The incidence of adultery has flourished in the last few decades and has truly blossomed with the internet.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> In my opinion, this was a troll thread and created with intent to get a couple of trigger comments and then chastise them. Notice after a few pages, Wonky and Dark jumped in to do the chastising. Three user names but probably one or two actual posters having fun.


Or yet another poster was shocked that almost no one said what she wanted to hear.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Six pages and no one before me has offered this exercise to the OP:

That is, OP try to imagine your husband telling you how he met some random woman -- so not someone he's known for years, through, work, church, school, social club.......

and then he says he is going to a concert to hear her play...... and then asks half heartedly, "would like to come? I know you don't like that kind of music (and neither does your husband)." How would you feel?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Six pages and no one before me has offered this exercise to the OP:
> 
> That is, OP try to imagine your husband telling you how he met some random woman -- so not someone he's known for years, through, work, church, school, social club.......
> 
> and then he says he is going to a concert to hear her play...... and then asks half heartedly, "would like to come? I know you don't like that kind of music (and neither does your husband)." How would you feel?





Thundarr said:


> Flip it around and think about it. Some girl hits on your husband but he says he's married and shuts her down but now she wants to be friends. Why does she want to be friends with a married man first off? Now imagine this girl invites him to see her show. The show that she's the spotlight of and looking immensely more sexy and attractive to him. Okay do you want your husband to go? It seems disrespectful if he did. It seems disrespectful to me that you're considering going to this one.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Though I think it's good advice to tell the OP to be careful, take H or friend ect as he may well be waiting in the wings or hoping for sex or what ever.
> 
> More then likely he just wanted an audience. That's what musicians (or people trying to be) do they invite in courage every one they know or have ever meet to come to there shows and bring there friends. Because without an audience they might as well play to them selves at home.


Perhaps, but OP's initial post insinuates it was only she who was invited. If he's looking for as many people to go as possible, then why not say "you and your husband and all of your friends"?


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

To Thundarr's comment about trolls and unkind chastising: Unfortunately there are a lot of unkind judgmental comments here. This is supposed to be a supportive community where people can come for helpful and constructive sharing, but public forums are open to everyone including meanies. When someone posts about about their situation they unfortunately let themselves in for judgment and criticism and meanness. Hopefully there will be a few positive helpful comments in with the thorns.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

kindnessrules said:


> To Thundarr's comment about trolls and unkind chastising: Unfortunately there are a lot of unkind judgmental comments here. This is supposed to be a supportive community where people can come for helpful and constructive sharing, but public forums are open to everyone including meanies. When someone posts about about their situation they unfortunately let themselves in for judgment and criticism and meanness. Hopefully there will be a few positive helpful comments in with the thorns.


Many people here are just careful and want to ensure that their advice is not falling into a windtunnel.

I always think that when you have a legitimate concern, you will not mind elaborating your concerns..... it helps to improve the quality of the responses.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

kindnessrules said:


> To Thundarr's comment about trolls and unkind chastising: Unfortunately there are a lot of unkind judgmental comments here. This is supposed to be a supportive community where people can come for helpful and constructive sharing, but public forums are open to everyone including meanies. When someone posts about about their situation they unfortunately let themselves in for judgment and criticism and meanness. Hopefully there will be a few positive helpful comments in with the thorns.


There may be a lot of judgement and projection that comes out as meanness at TAM but you have to cherry pick to find it in this thread. Most comments have been respectful and well intended and not mean. Hopefully you'll read through the pages and see all of the positive helpful comments instead of only noticing a thorn or two.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

*Re: Re: Can I have single male friends?*



kindnessrules said:


> To Thundarr's comment about trolls and unkind chastising: Unfortunately there are a lot of unkind judgmental comments here. This is supposed to be a supportive community where people can come for helpful and constructive sharing, but public forums are open to everyone including meanies. When someone posts about about their situation they unfortunately let themselves in for judgment and criticism and meanness. Hopefully there will be a few positive helpful comments in with the thorns.


My sentiments exactly.


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## JCobb (Mar 21, 2013)

js9894983 said:


> I would be happy to bring my hubby to the show, but it's not anything he's interested in. Still, I'll see if he wants to go, and if he doesn't and I still decide to go I will definitely keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from my friend.


I think a big part of making your husband feel comfortable in the situation is heading off an concerns he may have at the pass. I find I need to do that with my wife in similar situations. She just needs to know that I have the same concerns she has (if any) and that I'm just as self-aware of the situation as she is. And be honest with yourself too.

If you feel like there's any kind of romantic interest it may be best to decline, but if you feel safe about it then it may be an opportunity to show your husband that everything is fine. If you decide to go, it would probably be good to tell your husband all the details about the night. That way there's no room for wondering.

Best of luck!!


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## quester (Nov 22, 2014)

The original question (In the title of this thread) was this: 

*"Can I have single male friends?"*

In my experience, and that of just about any person I have ever met who is in a serious relationship or marriage, (Also the advice of numerous marriage counselors and therapists) the answer is this:

*"No"*

Stop it now, focus on your life together, do not befriend single males - especially those who have ever had interest in you.

If my wife met a single male who was hitting on her and so much as kept his number or gave him hers, it would be over.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

kindnessrules said:


> To Thundarr's comment about trolls and unkind chastising: Unfortunately there are a lot of unkind judgmental comments here. *This is supposed to be a supportive community where people can come for helpful and constructive sharing, but public forums are open to everyone including meanies.* When someone posts about about their situation they unfortunately let themselves in for judgment and criticism and meanness. Hopefully there will be a few positive helpful comments in with the thorns.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This x 1000


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

Janis said:


> My motto is that not everyone is in heat looking for sex.
> 
> If this concert is something you would do and enjoy, go. If it's something that you would naturally invite your husband to, then do so.


This is my view too. If I had to be worried about how my wife might behave in a situation like this, then I shouldn't be married to her to start with.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

MarriedManInHis40s said:


> This is my view too. If I had to be worried about how my wife might behave in a situation like this, then I shouldn't be married to her to start with.


OP actually said her husband does trust her but I think she's the one contemplating the appropriateness of going. Generally that's a good sign to not go. I'm guessing if roles were reversed that she wouldn't like it but who knows since she hasn't come back.

Quite honestly the thread title "Can I have single male friends?" does not match the content of OP's question. Her question was pertaining to a specific male friend. I actually think OSF are ok sometimes this isn't one of those 'sometimes' cases though IMO.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> In my opinion, this was a troll thread and created with intent to get a couple of trigger comments and then chastise them. Notice after a few pages, Wonky and Dark jumped in to do the chastising. Three user names but probably one or two actual posters having fun.


I wasn't knowingly a part of any troll thread.

In the original post we had a youngish woman who had behaved entirely correctly, not hidden anything and not lead anyone on. She met someone who had also behaved correctly and stopped hitting as soon as he found out she was engaged.

Then she asked a "support group" for their opinions and was told that he could only possibly be interested in her to have sex, which is insulting to both of them, and that if she went without her hubby this guy would magically say a couple of things that would make her resent her hubby and jump into bed with him. 

It takes two to have an affair and I found it insulting to her as a woman that she is incapable of making a mature decision to say 'No' when she appears to have made all the right decisions, and respected her hubby, so far. 

I was amazed that one poster could say


> "I just want you to know, OP, that the ONLY reason this man reached out to you is for the potential sex. I have zero doubt about that. ZERO."


That's quite an ability. To be able to know, without doubt, what someone is thinking without even meeting them. I don't know, without doubt, what someone is truly thinking even when I'm talking to them. It is possible to want to know a woman for purposes other than sex, some of them are fun and interesting. I have many single female friends and meet with them just because I enjoy their company, and my LDR knows about it before and after.

The advice to take either hubby or a friend was very good advice, as was the watch your drink. Unfortunately that is a requirement for any person going out these days which in itself is a sad reflection on society.

It was sad to see, what should be, a support group that has little other viewpoint than the absolute worst in everybody rather than the constructive comments that the OP presumably wanted.

Just my 2c worth, but I will now don my flameproof suit in preparation for the replies to come.


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## Tisme (Sep 16, 2011)

It's good you're thinking like you are and I'm old fashioned and don't do friends with opposite sex in a one on one fashion... no lunches, traveling together, etc. I've seen it over and over turn into something else with other people, so I'm glad I've taken the approach to it I have. Going to a concert... I'd do that. I have a coworker singing in a Christmas program and I plan to go to that by myself. It will be a room full of people and not a one on one thing and yes I'd tell your husband about the feeling the guy professed to have at one point. Open and honest... keep going with it.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

The fact that this is even an issue makes it obvious that you are entertaining the idea of something illicit. Creating an opening for something to happen begs to question how secure and settled you are in your soon to be married relationship.
Cut off contact with him and don't go.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Most I know, if not all, wear both the gold band and engagement ring. I can not say I know anyone that has not received a ring when asked for their hand in marriage. :scratchhead:


Okay--yeswecan meet ifweonly! I worked my way through college and married while in school. We had little to no money and my wife DID NOT receive an engagement ring. As a matter of fact, she wore a simple gold band after our marriage until our 25th wedding anniversary when I was finely able to give her a diamond. It is not what's on the finger that counts but what is in the heart that is really meaningful!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

WonkyNinja said:


> In the original post we had a youngish woman who had behaved entirely correctly, not hidden anything and not lead anyone on. She met someone who had also behaved correctly and stopped hitting as soon as he found out she was engaged.
> 
> .... some good points in between ....
> 
> ...


No suit required but you cherry picked a few posts because there were mostly respectful comments. Most of the negativity was directed toward the guy rather than OP I think as well. If I've misinterpreted you my apologies. But certainly when a new poster creates a thread like this and gets mostly nice advice (but some condescending), and then other new posters indict the whole of TAM as judgemental and mean, then it resembles bait/switch troll thread. Could be coincidence. Obviously If I were dead set on that being true then I wouldn't have responded though.


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

Why would you go?
Men who aren't interested in anything don't ask other men's wives to go out for an night.

I really doubt your husband is ok with this and is just pretending to not look jealous.


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

quester said:


> The original question (In the title of this thread) was this:
> 
> *"Can I have single male friends?"*
> 
> ...


Exactly.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Wow! This rages on with a life of its own even though the OP has long since gone! I guess it's good to debate.


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## Iwant2know (Dec 19, 2012)

Hell No!! Single or Married.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

kindnessrules said:


> To Thundarr's comment about trolls and unkind chastising: Unfortunately there are a lot of unkind judgmental comments here. This is supposed to be a supportive community where people can come for helpful and constructive sharing, but public forums are open to everyone including meanies. When someone posts about about their situation they unfortunately let themselves in for judgment and criticism and meanness. Hopefully there will be a few positive helpful comments in with the thorns.


My apologies. I did not mean to be critical of people or of this thread in particular, although it did seem like some comments here were a bit critical, but that's the problem with the written word - you can't see the person, nuances, facial expressions, etc. and maybe that's just their personality and how they come across when they are being sincere and helpful.

It was a bittersweet observation about TAM in general, I guess. I'm pretty new to TAM and the very first time I started a thread about a situation that was legitimately causing me difficulties I received what felt like a critical, reproachful response from someone. It felt like a slap on the hand for daring to bring my concern here, although most of the other comments were very kind and thoughtful. But maybe I just need to get a better feel for the comments here and not be so sensitive. 

But I digress HUGELY and do not mean to hijack OP's topic.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

kindnessrules said:


> My apologies. I did not mean to be critical of people or of this thread in particular, although it did seem like some comments here were a bit critical, but that's the problem with the written word - you can't see the person, nuances, facial expressions, etc. and maybe that's just their personality and how they come across when they are being sincere and helpful.
> 
> It was a bittersweet observation about TAM in general, I guess. I'm pretty new to TAM and the very first time I started a thread about a situation that was legitimately causing me difficulties I received what felt like a critical, reproachful response. It felt like a slap on the hand for daring to bring my concern here. But maybe I just need to get a better feel for the comments here and not be so sensitive.
> 
> But I digress HUGELY and do not mean to hijack OP's topic.


You seem to have picked a very fitting Username.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Wow! This rages on with a life of its own even though the OP has long since gone! I guess it's good to debate.


OK. Let's not allow this thread to digress to the benefits of mass debating.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

You'll have to pardon the bias of an old married man, but I have never believed that wives should have male friends that they communicate with outside the marriage. I have seen too many occasions where this leads to temptations and heartache. But, that being said, go and enjoy the concert! :smthumbup: and thank heaven you have a loving husband that trusts you. Don't ever lose that trust.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

kindnessrules said:


> It was a bittersweet observation about TAM in general, I guess. I'm pretty new to TAM and the very first time I started a thread about a situation that was legitimately causing me difficulties I received what felt like a critical, reproachful response from someone. It felt like a slap on the hand for daring to bring my concern here, although most of the other comments were very kind and thoughtful. But maybe I just need to get a better feel for the comments here and not be so sensitive.


Stick around, you'll see this place is actually pretty good.

The thing is, there are a lot of bitter people here - and they're bitter for good reasons, and I don't blame them. This is a place where people come with marital issues, after all. Some of the less-than-nice responses come from the heart and personal experiences and other things that can trigger somebody.

Take it with a grain of salt. Read what everybody has to say, even the things you don't like. The thing is, just about all long-time TAM members here mean well, and the mods know that. Even when they let their negative experiences shine through in their responses, they mean well.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

js9894983 said:


> I have a situation I need some advice on. I've just graduated college and recently married to an amazing man. About a year ago, I met a man while traveling who wanted to be friends. Well initially he was hitting on me, but once I explained that I was engaged, he immediately stopped. I haven't heard from him in awhile, but he recently sent me an email asking me to come see a performance of his (he's a very talented musician). Is it inappropriate for me to go to the performance? I've been transparent with my husband through the whole thing, and he keeps saying that he trusts me, but I worry that he's not being completely honest with me about his feelings, and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize our relationship. Any thoughts on this?


As a general rule of thumb, I think it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex that existed prior to the relationship. I don't think it's a great idea to establish new friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. Exceptions would be people that you both are friends with.

I wouldn't go to the performance personally.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, put yourself in your husband's shoes. How would you like if he befriended some woman and she wanted him to come to performances etc?

Also, for some reason, this guy got a vibe from you. Recognize yourself. What have you done to give him that impression (perhaps too many looks? Smile?)

You see, when in a marriage it's important to recognize yourself and mistakes you might be making.......to not get into this sort of situation.

They guy wants to hang cause he believes there is room for intimacy with you. Chances are high you gave him that impression.



BuddyL33 said:


> As a general rule of thumb, I think it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex that existed prior to the relationship. I don't think it's a great idea to establish new friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. Exceptions would be people that you both are friends with.
> 
> I wouldn't go to the performance personally.


As a general rule of thumb, most men will never be your "friends" unless they are attracted to you.

Once you accept that, even "friends" prior to relationship don't seem so "friendly" do they?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

BuddyL33 said:


> As a general rule of thumb, I think it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex that existed prior to the relationship. I don't think it's a great idea to establish new friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. Exceptions would be people that you both are friends with.
> 
> I wouldn't go to the performance personally.


This has been my view as well. Well, mostly...sometimes there are friends that we need to cut ties with, depending on the relationship.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

All depends on the instrument he plays, if it's the maracas I'd stay away. He may be talented and want to show off his wares but it usually comes with a bit of adulation on your part, by all means clap but make sure it's the right sort.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

js9894983 said:


> I have a situation I need some advice on. I've just graduated college and recently married to an amazing man. About a year ago, I met a man while traveling who wanted to be friends. Well initially he was hitting on me, but once I explained that I was engaged, he immediately stopped. I haven't heard from him in awhile, but he recently sent me an email asking me to come see a performance of his (he's a very talented musician). Is it inappropriate for me to go to the performance? I've been transparent with my husband through the whole thing, and he keeps saying that he trusts me, but I worry that he's not being completely honest with me about his feelings, and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize our relationship. Any thoughts on this?


Are you in a happy relationship if you are then leave well alone then there will be no reason for your hubby to even think there is something happening


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## homerjay (Dec 12, 2014)

You can befriend anybody you want, it's a free world.:smthumbup:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

And husband can leave her if she ends up thinking its ok to have an inappropriate friend. Again, free world.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

I will never understand married womens need/want to befriend single guys, it is the first steps in you being tempted by another your hard working partner wondering why the hell you are making new single male friends instead of doing things with him and planting the seed of doubt or resentment in him


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

The opinions here are pretty much in agreement. I think the agreement scared off OP. TAM is not for the faint of heart. You will get an answer.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

We all have freedom as well as responsibility to be smart. Can married men and women have OSF? That's a resounding yes. I happen to think it's generally dangerous but assume that it's always a problem.

Long term relationships invariably will have ups and downs and when things aren't going so well at home or when the spark had faded a little bit, that seems to be when OSFs are the shoulder to lean on. And since we are the kings of rationalization, when some attraction or emotional bond builds with that friend, we rationalize it to mean that there's something wrong with our relationship otherwise the bond wouldn't have built.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Again, another poster gone AWOL. :banghead: Guess she didn't hear what she wanted to hear.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

thummper said:


> Again, another poster gone AWOL. :banghead: Guess she didn't hear what she wanted to hear.


My question would have been, if this guy hit on her, what makes her think it would have been a good idea to keep him as a so-called "friend"?

If I am in a committed relationship and I know another woman has designs on me, then there is no "friendship" and certainly would be inappropriate to hang out with her.

Friends of the opposite sex are fine, but not a good idea to hang out with them alone, and even when not hanging out alone, once they make moves on you, they can no longer be considered "just friends"


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

What's with the hubby, sounds a real tip stick, men know what it's about and he should be stopping you from going. Any arguments, he's bound to throw it right back at you. Good Luck xxx


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I have a female friend I meet with for coffee once in a while. We worked together for years. I'm also friends with her husband and he doesn't have a problem with me meeting up with his wife. 
My wife also has male friends she went to college with. She meets up with them for lunch and every once in a while they all go for drinks. 
I whole heartedly trust my wife and I'm sure she trusts me just as much. 
I always tell her when I've met up with my friend so if we are seen together by someone that doesn't know her she'll know who I was with. 
I would never ask my wife to give up her friends and she wouldn't ask me to give up mine. 
I'm sure there would be some questions arising if there were suddenly new friends of the opposite sex suddenly on the scene. We would both be looking for red flags.
Ymmv


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

thenub.....difference between your described experiences and the OP's is the OP so-called "friend" wants to play wax the weasel with her and she thinks it ok to be friends with a man that wants her.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

thenub said:


> I have a female friend I meet with for coffee once in a while. We worked together for years. I'm also friends with her husband and he doesn't have a problem with me meeting up with his wife.
> My wife also has male friends she went to college with. She meets up with them for lunch and every once in a while they all go for drinks.
> I whole heartedly trust my wife and I'm sure she trusts me just as much.
> I always tell her when I've met up with my friend so if we are seen together by someone that doesn't know her she'll know who I was with.
> ...


Be careful with the whole idea of "Never"...


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Stick to playing games, fantasy football is a good way of keeping in touch without the ball contact. Coffee, shmoffee xxx


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MarriedDude said:


> Be careful with the whole idea of "Never"...


Agreed. I would also NEVER ask my husband to drop his friends, male or female, .............. unless they started creating problems.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Agreed. I would also NEVER ask my husband to drop his friends, male or female, .............. unless they started creating problems.


here is the catch-22. OSF may cause issues before you know the issues start and then it will (or at least) can be too late.

If you read the CWI board, many OSF issues arise unbeknownst to the BS until it is way too late.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Life is what you make it, no good beating yourself around the head with a frying pan, other people will do that for ya. I'd sit in a cold, dark shed for a few days and ponder. Chin, chin xxx


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

naiveonedave said:


> here is the catch-22. OSF may cause issues before you know the issues start and then it will (or at least) can be too late.
> 
> If you read the CWI board, many OSF issues arise unbeknownst to the BS until it is way too late.


Agreed. However, experience can help you identify the red flags and anticipate what can happen next. And with TAM, collective experience....

The first year of dating with my husband, he had an inappropriate friendship. She knew about me 3 months before he told me about her. He forwarded me something with her e-mail address on it. Back then, 2010, you could get a lot of information about someone with an e-mail address, especially when that person is a social media w^ore.

I predicted that, among other negative things -- and despite the fact that she has a boyfriend so she's "safe", she most likely was going to advise him to drop me. By the time my husband shared the texts with me (before I found TAM), sure enough she had already tried that tact.


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## shakazulu2420 (Sep 16, 2014)

Mr Useless said:


> I will never understand married womens need/want to befriend single guys, it is the first steps in you being tempted by another your hard working partner wondering why the hell you are making new single male friends instead of doing things with him and planting the seed of doubt or resentment in him


Listen to this. 

Is it that important that you must go? If hubby won't go take a female friend. He is playing friend card come see my concert hoping you fall for him. Men don't just make friends with females. How do I know? I am one . 
This dude will notice you came for concert. Then you will get invited to another. Then come watch me practice. Then ahh lets have 10 min coffee at a concert break. Then you will get comfortable and you will start texting and becoming closer. There in lies the danger. By this point , hubby will know and you will justify you are just friends. This is how it starts. Buy his cd or go with a friend. The show will go on whether you go or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This is what I love about TAM. OP has not been back to her own thread since page 2, but TAMers have managed to entertain themselves for 7 more pages without her!

:lol:

(P.S. I wonder if she went to the concert!)


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes I know - incredible isn't it how these threads take on a life of their own.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Did she end up going, 'that' is the question? I'm worried about her now, a bit rich not keeping us all updated. Heck, who gives a xxx


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

There was an almost unanimous view that she should not go to the concert alone, only with her husband if at all. She apparently wants to go and clocked off the site because of that.


The problem is seeing the band, seeing the adoring audience, being somewhat turned on, communicating with him time to time, and then saying, look it didn't start out as an affair. Perhaps subconsciously, she's turned on by the attention, likes the fact that the drummer likes her and wants to keep a friendship. She's playing with fire and there are a lot more bad things that can happen.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Oh sheepdip, I like the drummer too, he's cute. xxx


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