# Anniversary tomorrow



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm hoping that if I get this expressed and out of my system, I can just go on and have a good day today and tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the 15th anniversary of our first kiss. We have used our own code for that day, month and year pretty much any time we've needed a PIN or code ever since. It's something I'm reminded of every day. STBXH have celebrated it every year, including last year when we were already separated (but still living together) -- he insisted on it. (Though he later said I shouldn't have read anything into it that perhaps his feelings about separation had changed. WTF? Who wouldn't have?) We got a babysitters for DS, nice dinner, nice dessert, listened to music afterward. Unfortunately the night was cut short because the friends of his who were watching DS for us had their cat hit by a car, so we had to pick up DS early. And STBXH 'had' to go back out and help his friends. Um yeah. There were already 4 of them there, I don't think he was really needed. Oh well. 

Now, he has someone new (ironically, or not, one of the two who babysat DS last year), and is 'in love.' He has been extra dismissive of me as a person in that he won't even look me in the face. He's depending on me to help him navigate things with the D and his disability benefits (why the new 'love of his life' can't be bothered, I don't know -- she'd better get used to all of that, cuz that's part of who he is), but I can't ask him so simple as to give me an opinion on a couple of eyeglass frames I'm trying to decide between. He acted like he didn't even want to look at my face that long. It hurt so badly. It's really giving my self esteem a deep hit. I'm forcing myself to take a photo of myself with my new haircut (which, of course, he didn't acknowledge, though he did make a big deal of our son's haircut this morning) and post it here on TAM. I'm trying not to take his opinion of me as important, but it still hurts. I feel old and dumpy, especially next to the OW, who is younger than STBXH. 

I just can't help but think back 15 years to that first kiss. He was walking me home from work, and we stopped by these gorgeous blooming lilacs. I've always loved lilacs, but of course, after that, they were even more special to me. When we got married, I used silk lilacs for our pew bows. I planted lilac bushes when we bought our house, and we'd always go out there and kiss on our anniversary at the same time. Of course, they're in glorious bloom now, probably the best they've ever looked. I don't want to give up something I loved before I met him just because they became connected to him. But severing that connection is really difficult. My therapist suggested I just pick huge bouquets and put them all over my place and just get used to the sensual experience of smelling them and thinking they look beautiful as flowers, and seeing them in MY house in MY vases, etc. I think it's helping. Of course, I'm picking the ones from the bushes I planted, so they're nearly bare now. I have this sick feeling that his therapy will be to take her out there tomorrow night and replace the now distasteful memory of kissing me with kissing her.

It's not that I want him back. I just am still grieving the loss of the life I so wanted to have. It would be one thing if we had truly just grown apart and realized we didn't belong together as spouses anymore, but we still both cared about each other. But this wasn't like that. He wasn't happy until he completely devalued me as a person and as a woman. THEN he said he hoped we could be friends and hoped I could be happy because he cares about me. Everyone tells me there is someone else out there for me. I don't know if I want to take any more chances on love. Losing it, or wondering if your memories are even real or if things happened the way you thought they did just hurts too damn much. 

When the 'magic hour' of 9 tomorrow night rolls around, I will be here with DS. He'll be in bed by then, and I'll be alone. I don't know how I'll handle it. Fifteen years should be a milestone that we really celebrate. Of course, he told me he wanted for sure to separate just before our 10th wedding anniversary, too.


----------



## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

angelpixie,

No one can devalue you as a person/woman. Don't give him the satisfaction to make you feel this way. He'll regret this. Most of them do and will come back to you at which point my guess is you will have realized he's a worthless piece of ___ and moved on for good. 

Sorry you're having a tough day.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

It sucks  you are just going to have to ride it out. 

I'm struggling with this myself it's our 18th wedding anniversary on the 21st May and we met 24 years ago on the 28th which is is sisters 40th birthday. She has special needs and i am expected to be at the party by his family which is great but will be awkward for me to say the least. Especially as his mum is trying to get us back together, even though I have told her there is no point.

My point is, well its nit going to be a good day, but I'm ready for it. I'm gonna go to bed early Monday night, listen to some music & fall asleep (that's the plan) next week, well I haven't thought that far ahead yet, one step at a time. I don't know for sure if he is still with the OW, but I have to assume he is. My self esteem is also crushed, bug I'm not goin to let him win that one. I'm working on me & I also know I'm not the b**ch he likes to paint me as to releave his guilt. 

Hang in there Angel. There is no point looking back, that's not the way you are heading. sorry if I make no sense, I've had a couple drinks!!! 

(((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

My anniversary is also tomorrow. Still a very fresh memory from just two year ago. I am going to spend the day with my.baby neice and try to forget about it. I have no doubt my stbxh already has. Do you have a friend who can come over for a bit to get you through the evening?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I am so sorry Angelpixie.

I think that it is good that you have not let this ruin you enjoyment of the beautiful lilacs! That shows your strength and wisdom.

My ex recently got mad at me because I am no longer his friend---he was hoping that our relationship could evolve and that we could be friends.

Weird. Our exes have a warped way of thinking, don't they?

You are such a support to so many of us on this board, Angel. I still re-read your post on my thread about questioning our roles and our who we thought we are--it was such a thought-provoking post for me.

Please know that there are people out here in the cyber-world who have never met you--but, love you and support you and care about you. Really. 

I hope this weekend passes for you and that you are able to find some joy...in spite of all the heartache you have experienced....but, try to find a little piece of joy.

It sounds like you will. It sounds like you will overcome this day.


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. It means so much that you took the time to respond to me. I know that I'm not alone in what is going on, and I feel equally badly for what you two are dealing with this week, [email protected] and MyselfAgain. You'll both be in my thoughts, too.
Jpr, thanks for your very kind words. You are very special to all of us here at TAM. 

I'm trying to just do fun things if I can. Last night I went contra dancing and it was great fun as usual. I even had a lovely surprise and found out that a woman that I've spoken to a few times actually lives only about 2 blocks away, and she has a son almost the same age as my son. We are planning on trying to go camping sometime over the summer. I took a lovely bubble bath this morning, and I'm going to treat myself to a sweet treat and a coffee at a local bakery in a little while. 

I've started digging into my crafts again, which have been set aside for a long, long time. I'm working on a project for a sci fi convention I'm going to next weekend. I'm not much of a sci fi geek, but I think it will be fun anyway. If my project turns out anywhere like what I envision it, it will be hilarious and I'll post a pic of it for you all to see.

So... so far, so good. I will just keep trying to stay positive and stay distracted. 

((BIG HUGS)) to all of you!!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*sigh* I have no way to put into words what this made me think and feel like, but it struck a nerve of some sort. It is so much easier to hear peole tell you what you already know deep down inside, than to actually do it, but I hope you take care of yourself today because you really deserve it. I hope you feel all of our arms around you today and tonight.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do something that will make you smile.


----------

