# How to earn back respect..



## TXchick (Jun 23, 2011)

I've been married 7 years to my HS sweetheart, and we dated through college. He is a hardworker, can be very loving, and is loyal. I continually put others (friends/family) before him and lately I have had several issues with not listening to him. I understand I am in the wrong here, and I want to fix them, but we have had the same arguments for 15 years. Anything that I say about changing is put down by him because he says that he has heard it all before. He would not agree to go to a counciler at this point, because I'm the one who is in the wrong.

I love him, our sex life is good, and I'm not worried about him going to another woman. There are a lot of things that we do well together. I think that he is not happy with how much he works, is jealous of my work life, and he has self image issues from not working out regularly for the past 8 months. 

I've been thinking lately that I have more fun when I'm not around him because we fight over the stupidest things. Last night I told him that I moved something around the house and then it progressed to I didn't listen to where he wanted me to move it. Then dinner was silent and it's not better this morning.

I want to fix it, but I need to figure out a way to earn back the respect that he has lost for me. I know it starts by listening to him (assuming that he will talk to me this evening). Any ideas?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Sometimes you need a third party involved. Let him think that you are in the wrong and use that to phrase going to counseling in a way that makes him think his attendance will help counselor correct your behavior. Something like, "Yes I am in the wrong but if you don't participate and tell the counselor what I am doing that bothers you, counseling won't do me any good."

I think once you can get him there (which it sounds like he needs as well) you'll find that you can work through your issues.


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## TXchick (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks BigToe - I truely think I might have to start going solo first. It would be good for both of us.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

fwiw, I believe you need a bigger shock to the system that is your marriage. Reading between the lines - perhaps incorrectly - sounds like unless he sits down and hears you + talk to you like an adult, you'll spiral further and consider or enter an affair? 

Many, many, many people here (myself included) wish to heaven above our wives had sat us down and hit us over the head with a rock before they went and entered an affair.... I'd advise that direction. Something that captures his attention to realize the severity. The fact that you're here posting about it suggests to me it is very, very serious.


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## Dr. E (Jun 24, 2011)

First you need to establish if this is an issue of respect. Were those his words? If so, ask him for specific things that you can do to earn it back. If not, then try to have a conversation where you do not discuss your relationships hot topics. Find the things that you both enjoy. It appears that you all need to work on the friendship aspect of your relationship. Treat this situation as you would repairing a disagreement with one of your best girlfriends. Sounds silly, but it works! Good luck!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"I think that he is not happy with how much he works, is jealous of my work life, and he has self image issues from not working out regularly for the past 8 months."

If you want to earn back respect you might start by letting him tell you what his problems are and then accepting that he knows what he's talking about. You admitted one of your problems is listening.


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

Our counselor said that to have a positive relationship you need roughly a 5:1 ratio of good/fun experience to negative ones.

That's based on research. I didn't ask for the source.

So... are you guys taking time to go out and have fun?


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

TXchick said:


> Anything that I say about changing is put down by him because he says that he has heard it all before. QUOTE]
> 
> Sounds very familiar to me. From my experienece, I really started getting moody with the wife whenever she'd bring up the subject of "change". Reason being she was always willing to talk about it, but could never ever show it. She was even in denial thinking she was making change and putting in the effort where the cracks were showing.
> 
> Not saying your in denial yourself, but if you are.... You dont know it.


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## TXchick (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks to all - I actually have had a great two weeks with my hubby. We are communicating and he has finally admitted that his stress at work has been taken out on me. I am not in denial about my faults, but it has completely changed the way we communicate. He is talking about his work stress and I am listening, and then he is able to move on. Even when he would be short in temper with me, he has held back with his reaction and we would talk through things. 


We are having fun together and making time to spend together. I know it will be a continual process to improve our communication. I know that everything takes two, and I'm really happy with how we are moving forward.:smthumbup:


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

TXchick said:


> Thanks to all - I actually have had a great two weeks with my hubby. We are communicating and he has finally admitted that his stress at work has been taken out on me. I am not in denial about my faults, but it has completely changed the way we communicate. He is talking about his work stress and I am listening, and then he is able to move on. Even when he would be short in temper with me, he has held back with his reaction and we would talk through things.
> 
> 
> We are having fun together and making time to spend together. I know it will be a continual process to improve our communication. I know that everything takes two, and I'm really happy with how we are moving forward.:smthumbup:


Yay! Good news!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Six said:


> Our counselor said that to have a positive relationship you need roughly a 5:1 ratio of good/fun experience to negative ones.


I've heard that too.


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