# thoughts on Disney dads



## GettingBetter

I just want to get this off my chest...
This last weekend I had my boys with me. We had a lot of fun. I took them to the ZOO on Saturday, yeterday we spent all day at the pumkin farm. They had a blast. While they were playing I started chatting with a woman whose kids were playing with mine. She was divorced too and had her kids most of the time. Her ex had them every second weekend and few days during the week. This woman was full of hate towards her ex. We didnt get into the reasons for divorce, but one thing bothered me during our conversation. It was har talk about weekend/disney dads. I had a feeling she thinks every man is the same. I told her how much I miss my kids when they are not with me and that I would do anything to have them with me full time, but I also understand that my ex loves them too and misses them when they are with me (even though she doesnt show it). 
She,just like my ex was complaining how she has to do everything...get them ready for school, drop them off, pick them up, cook, clean...Hey, I do the same when they are with me. I am both mom and dad...I cook, clean, do homework with them and we still have time to have fun. Am I a Disney dad? Maybe. But what is important to me is that my kids have fun too. I do not allow video games...i di not have cable. All our time is spent with me giving them 100% of my attention and time. 
They have met my girlfriend in neutral setting, but I choose not to be with her when I have the kids. And she understands this. 
I just want to tell everyone that us weekend dads are not all the same. I did not want this way of life, but I am trying to make the best of it for my boys and for me. I miss them a lot, and really wish I could spend more time with them. I am on time with my CS payments, well last one I was late two weeks, but I still gave her 1/2 on time. I am really struggling financialy. I dont buy them toys and give them material stuff. They rarely even ask me for it, and when they do I explain to them that its better to spend money on something more important or save it for a vacation...and they understand. 
I'm sorry for the rant. But I just want to say that most of the divorced dads I know are in the same situation and just trying to make the best out of it, and feel that we are judged by others by not being present in our kids lives but only when its convenient for us. From my personal experience this is just not the truth. I know there are a lots of parents who try to hurt their ex thru kids, and dont understand that the only ones they are hurting are thr kids and thrmselves.
I refuse to be called Disney dad. 
I am just a dad who is trying to give my kids the best life given the circumstances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

That's a shame she is so jaded she assumes 'all men are the same'.

I definitely do NOT assume that. My ex IS a "Disney Dad". We had 50/50 custody when she was in PreK but he let her stay up late, he never read books and logged them in her reading journal (her "homework") and he got her to pre-K late very often because the world revolves around his schedule. Even during this time she took clean clothes over and brought dirty clothes back. He let her eat ice cream for breakfast.

So I got custody. He had her every other weekend plus a random day in the middle. Still never did a school project or book report on his weekend so I had to make sure it was done before she left of spend my Sunday nights helping her finish up. He visited her at daycare in the afternoon and took her ice cream which then spoiled her dinner - she wasn't hungry when I was. Never wanted to go to bed on time because he had let her stay up late Fri/Sat and sleep until afternoon. Mondays were always a bear.

To this day he does not do any laundry, she never has to pick up her room at his place or do chores or school work. All of their time is fun time. 

We have fun time, too, but it's not ALL fun like when with him. But I don't think he sets a very good example of the importance of school work when he won't bother to help her with any of it. And he will say right in front of her that he only gets four days a month now and he isn't going to 'waste' it doing [anything responsible here].


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## GettingBetter

Sorry to hear about your ex. It sucks for your kid. Sadly there are a lot of people like that, both genders. Mostly it's fathers. But sometimes I see some of these farhers having a hard time coping with the divorce and only thing they can and know how to do is be Disney dads because they are afraid their kids will not love them, or will refuse to go to dads house so we have to try extra hard. I am not saying this is right thing to do, but men are wired differently than women as we all know. 
Just imagine having to spend only 30-40% of time with your kids. And most dads dont even get that, I am talking best case scenario. We have 50/50 custody, but its nowhere near that. I have a job and have to be up early every day, so they cant spend too much time with me during the week. So yes, sometimes I overcompensate, but only if I am sure that homework and everything else will get done too.
So in a way, i cant blame all Disney dads. Obviosly they love their kids so they spend time doing fun stuff with them. Some of them are missing the skills of being both mom and dad at the same time. 
There is no simple solution for this. Things are not black and white, just as everything in life. 
I can only assume that your ex loves his child as much as you do, but instead of doing what is right for the child and for keeping the "peace" with you he is buying her love. Wrong, yes. But as I said he just might be scared of losing her and that is the reason for his actions. And again, I am not condoning this way of parenting. It's wrong. But some people do need some education on raising thr kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

I think that is very true for most parents, GB. Probably not with my ex since he is NPD - he really likes to show her off because that makes him look important and involved. He likes her to be impressed with him. Under normal circumstances, I agree.


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## 827Aug

Spending quality time with the children does not necessarily make you a Disney dad. The woman in the park isn't familiar with a "real" Disney dad either. My children had the ultimate Disney dad. He was clearly over in the Magic Kingdom with Peter Pan.

My former husband equated quality time with spending money. At the time our business was failing because he was basically draining way too much money out of it. When that wasn't an option, he went to credit cards. His financial strategy was basically "robbing Peter to pay Paul". He bought our daughters whatever they wanted--clothes, high-end make up, $150 trips to the hair salon frequently, dining out at top restaurants, and trips. He really set a bad example for them. He wouldn't pay our creditors because that was no fun.


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## Dedicated2Her

> I definitely do NOT assume that. My ex IS a "Disney Dad". We had 50/50 custody when she was in PreK but he let her stay up late, he never read books and logged them in her reading journal (her "homework") and he got her to pre-K late very often because the world revolves around his schedule. Even during this time she took clean clothes over and brought dirty clothes back. He let her eat ice cream for breakfast.
> 
> So I got custody. He had her every other weekend plus a random day in the middle. Still never did a school project or book report on his weekend so I had to make sure it was done before she left of spend my Sunday nights helping her finish up. He visited her at daycare in the afternoon and took her ice cream which then spoiled her dinner - she wasn't hungry when I was. Never wanted to go to bed on time because he had let her stay up late Fri/Sat and sleep until afternoon. Mondays were always a bear.
> 
> To this day he does not do any laundry, she never has to pick up her room at his place or do chores or school work. All of their time is fun time.
> 
> We have fun time, too, but it's not ALL fun like when with him. But I don't think he sets a very good example of the importance of school work when he won't bother to help her with any of it. And he will say right in front of her that he only gets four days a month now and he isn't going to 'waste' it doing [anything responsible here].


I could definitely place myself into this really looking at my senario. I only have my kids every other weekend and one weekday. Of course, I am not washing clothes. When am I supposed to do that? Yeah, their homework is done when I get them. Yeah, our time is typically fun time. Let's review this past weekend---Friday night- high school football game, Saturday from 8:30- 4pm both boys had football games. It takes an hour to get there so left house at 7:30. Saturday night- chill/meet friends/bbq. Sunday morning- Six flags all day. So, yeah, we do it right. That is how I live. My life does not stop. So, because a woman decides that she wants a divorce and doesn't work on her marriage, that puts me in the very awkward position of being a "disney dad". Yes, this past weekend we packed in a TON of stuff and my kids were exhausted when I brought them home. SORRY. Excuse me for being active with them. Yes, I miss my kids. Yes, I would have done anything and everything to save my family. 

Yes, things revolve around my schedule. Why, because I have a job. (someone has to work because my ex sure doesn't) Yes, my kids stay up late on the weekend. Why? Because they would do the same thing if they were with my ex. Yes, Mondays are going to be a "bear". Why, because they are emotionally spent. Divorce and changing households is HARD on kids. "Disney dad".....ok, I'll just go with it.


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## Ceegee

Dedicated2Her said:


> This is absolute total garbage.
> 
> 
> 
> I could definitely place myself into this really looking at my senario. I only have my kids every other weekend and one weekday. Of course, I am not washing clothes. When am I supposed to do that? Yeah, their homework is done when I get them. Yeah, our time is typically fun time. I ONLY HAVE SO MANY DAYS. So, because a woman decides that she wants a divorce and doesn't work on her marriage, that puts me in the very awkward position of being a "disney dad". Yes, this past weekend we packed in a TON of stuff and my kids were exhausted when I brought them home. SORRY. Excuse me for being active with them. Yes, I miss my kids. Yes, I would have done anything and everything to save my family. "Disney dad".....ok, I'll just go with it.


I don't think you qualify as a Disney Dad, D2H.



*Disney Dad*

_A father who doesn't have physical custody of his child. So, to compensate for this, he makes the visitation times with his child all about fun. The child's homework isn't done, there isn't a set bedtime and the child stays up late, the child watches all kinds of inappropriate movies/tv/video games. The father is more like a "friend" that's a bad influence than a parent.

This type of father chooses to live far away enough from his child so he has an "excuse" not to participate in school and extra-curricular activities, unless he wants to.

He will also dictate to the custodial parent on how to raise his child but rarely offers to help in the rearing in any manner.
Scene: Disney Dad is returning child to custodial parent on a Sunday Morning.

The child spent all weekend at dad's "playing" and comes home to his custodial parent with a backpack full of homework.​_

Do you discipline them?

Do they have age appropriate responsibilities?

FWIW, I also do not believe EW's statement to be garbage.


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## Dedicated2Her

> I don't think you qualify as a Disney Dad, D2H.
> 
> 
> 
> Disney Dad
> 
> 
> A father who doesn't have physical custody of his child. So, to compensate for this, he makes the visitation times with his child all about fun. The child's homework isn't done, there isn't a set bedtime and the child stays up late, the child watches all kinds of inappropriate movies/tv/video games. The father is more like a "friend" that's a bad influence than a parent.
> 
> This type of father chooses to live far away enough from his child so he has an "excuse" not to participate in school and extra-curricular activities, unless he wants to.
> 
> He will also dictate to the custodial parent on how to raise his child but rarely offers to help in the rearing in any manner.
> Scene: Disney Dad is returning child to custodial parent on a Sunday Morning.
> 
> The child spent all weekend at dad's "playing" and comes home to his custodial parent with a backpack full of homework.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Do you discipline them?
> 
> Do they have age appropriate responsibilities?
> 
> FWIW, I also do not believe EW's statement to be garbage.


Maybe I was too harsh, but it strikes a huge chord with me. I see the other side of things when mentoring men that have a genuine teachability in this realm. There is a desire there, but the ex is so twisted that she will literally create senarios to make their dad look lazy or the 'disney dad' type. 

Yes, I discipline them. Yes, they clean my house before they leave. But, my ex has no idea they do that. Therefore, she could twist it up to make me look a certain way. We all have our prisms.


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## EnjoliWoman

It's OK - I really feel your pain. In a perfect world we'd have 50/50 custody and we'd both discipline and reward, we'd do it together and discuss everything before hand... but then again if we worked well together we'd still be together. Remember my ex was diagnosed NPD by a professional, as well. 

And when I left our arrangement was 50/50 4/3/3/4 but he didn't get her in bed on school nights or read aloud (important for a 4 y/o) and he let her watch Desperate Housewives when she was 4/5 and treated her like a little adult; a peer, a confidant. Everything listed above attributed to a Disney Dad describes him.

He does not discipline. He said she was always well behaved with him and he never had to and insinuates it's because I'm a bad mother. He constantly tells her he is so proud of her which by itself isn't so bad except it isn't for DOING anything. I tell my daughter I'm proud of her when she ACCOMPLISHES something - a good grade, nails the landing on a vault, etc. -, not simply for existing. 

I'm glad they go to the water park and weekend trips to the beach or mountains and she's learning to water ski behind his new boat (while he's late on child support). We do different things with her and that makes her more well-rounded. And honestly I wouldn't mind that he gets to do mostly fun things with her if he was supportive co-parent.

ETA - Yes there are always two sides and I try to be open to that. But I do know that my child rarely pitches in over there and he told me he never has to discipline.


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## Pbartender

EnjoliWoman said:


> He does not discipline. He said she was always well behaved with him and he never had to and insinuates it's because I'm a bad mother.


When you have no boundaries, rules or expectations, then of course there's no need to discipline.


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## Ceegee

Pbartender said:


> When you have no boundaries, rules or expectations, then of course there's no need to discipline.


And everyone gets giant pandas.


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## Pbartender

Ceegee said:


> And everyone gets giant pandas.












"Pandemonium"


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## Ceegee

Speaking of Disney Dads.


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## Moulin

A lot of this is derived from a lack of communication and commitment to continue to parent together after the marriage has ended.

My ex-H and his ex-W were horrible at this. One set of rules for Mom's house, one for Dad's house. No working together on anything. The kids totally took advantage and played the parents against each other and the parents took pot shots at each other all the time.

It's hard enough to go through a divorce but even worse when the grudges from the marriage carry over into parenting (on either side).


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## EnjoliWoman

My counselor (LCSW) who was helping me and kiddo through this and helping me parent better (ex didn't believe in counseling - said people didn't need to know his business) said that it's OK that kids have different rules at different houses. Kids adjust to certain rules at school vs. home vs. daycare vs. friends' homes. 

But that the parents cannot let the kids manipulate that by saying "But Dad/Mom lets me do it at their house". That parent needs to be firm and say "That may be, but the rule at OUR house is [______] so when you are here you will [______]." And the other parent shouldn't comment "I don't know why your mom/dad won't let you [____]." And you have to let go of control of the other household - you can only control what happens at yours.


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## Pbartender

Ceegee said:


> Speaking of Disney Dads.


Hey, at last I'll be in good company.


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## Ceegee

Btw, it should go without saying that there are Disney moms as well.


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## Freak On a Leash

Ceegee said:


> Btw, it should go without saying that there are Disney moms as well.


When it comes to my son, I have to say I may be guilty as charged. I'm not too good at all the day to day childrearing stuff. 

My daughter was easy. We got along well and she knew what she had to do and what was expected of her and did it. We respected each other. I was there for her when she needed me. When I told her to do something, she did it. It helped that she had a strong sense of responsibility and is very mature and independent. 

My son is a different story. He is disrespectful, argumentative and doesn't have a strong work ethic or sense of personal responsibility. Everything is a problem and his relationship with his father doesn't help. He would often use his father and his father's desire and willingness to be "the good parent" against me to undermine my authority.

I did what I could but it was never enough so now he's back with his father. Now his father can do the heavy lifting and hard work of parenting. I'm just glad to be free and to be able to catch a breath. 

I'd rather just shell out the money and have my son over for the occasional dinner and fun time. I guess that makes me a Disney Mom.


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## Ceegee

Freak On a Leash said:


> When it comes to my son, I have to say I may be guilty as charged. I'm not too good at all the day to day childrearing stuff.
> 
> My daughter was easy. We got along well and she knew what she had to do and what was expected of her and did it. We respected each other. I was there for her when she needed me. When I told her to do something, she did it. It helped that she had a strong sense of responsibility and is very mature and independent.
> 
> My son is a different story. He is disrespectful, argumentative and doesn't have a strong work ethic or sense of personal responsibility. Everything is a problem and his relationship with his father doesn't help. He would often use his father and his father's desire and willingness to be "the good parent" against me to undermine my authority.
> 
> I did what I could but it was never enough so now he's back with his father. Now his father can do the heavy lifting and hard work of parenting. I'm just glad to be free and to be able to catch a breath.
> 
> I'd rather just shell out the money and have my son over for the occasional dinner and fun time. I guess that makes me a Disney Mom.


How old are your children FOAL?

Btw, you must have done something right to raise a responsible, mature daughter.

Edit: Okay, I read in another thread that your daughter is in college and it sounds like your son is a teenager?

Is your relationship with your son better now that he's living with his father? Is he learning to be more respectful?


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## Freak On a Leash

My daughter is in college. She is 19 and I don't think I could get a better daughter. I can't tell you enough how proud I am of her. She's incredible. 

My son is a great kid but he has issues. A lot of our problems is personality. We are a lot alike. But he's grown up with a poor role model in his father and the way his father treated me and his sister didn't help. 

There's a lot going on here and I think my son could benefit from therapy. Having him live with his father works better for both of us because to be honest, I LIKE living alone and prefer it for a lot of reasons that don't even have to do with my son. 

Yes, when he's just visiting we do get along better. As to how respectful he will be now, I don't know yet because he hasn't been home since he left earlier in the week. He's coming home sometime tonight and I'll see him for a few hours before school tomorrow so I guess I'll know more tomorrow.


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