# Reconcile, Separate, or Divorce?



## Buckeye45 (Nov 21, 2014)

Hi - My marriage of 18 years has been in bad shape since November. My wife and I are both in our mid-40's, kids are in high school and while we are not wealthy, we have a good life. I found out about my wife's affair in November and confronted her. She denied she was having an affair but, said she was unhappy and was unsure if she wanted to remain married. Since that time, we have been more like roommates than husband and wife. No affection and no intimacy at all. We dont fight or argue and spend very little time together. I do believe she is still having an affair of some sort but, have not confronted her because I know she will deny it. I have enough evidence to know that my suspicions are correct though.

I'm hurt and confused but, think I still love my wife. I think I want to reconcile but, she has had an affair before (6 years ago that she admitted to) and I'm wondering now if she just doesnt want to remain married but, is comfortable with her lifestyle and doesnt want to give it up? 

What I'm struggling with is what to do? One day I'm certain I want to try and save our marriage and the next day I'm just as certain that I need to move on. How does one know what the right thing to do is? My heart wants to reconcile but, my brain tells me there is just too much history and damage that has been done. 

Thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Serial cheater? That's an easy decision for me:

DIVORCE.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

It sure doesn't sound like she is all that remorseful. If this is her second affair and she is not putting in the hard work she needs to fix the marriage it might be time to get out. I was married to a serial cheater for 10 years. I did all I could to save the marriage. I learned one serious thing out of it. Never settle for less than what you deserve. You didn't deserve her cheating on you so move on and find a better woman. 

I did and life has been so much better. 

Clay


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't think she is the woman you think she is. You are remembering the woman you married and who is the mother of your children. She has changed into a serial cheater.

Some say "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I don't buy into that. Some people have some kind of affair, are horrified by what they did, and reform themselves. While their marriage will never be the same, it is safe for their spouse to stay with them because they will not cheat again.

But your wife is on affair #2 at the least. She is not horrified at herself for having affairs. She is willing to lie to you today about an affair. This is not safe for you emotionally or your physical health.

What kind of proof do you have of her affair? What kind of surveillance do you have in place? Does she know you are suspicious even after her denials at your confrontation?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Buckeye45 said:


> think I still love my wife. I think I want to reconcile but, .


Why? 

Any self respecting man would divorce a wife like yours in a heartbeat. 

You must crave and cherish misery. 

You can either find your balls and ram a divorce down her throat or you can continue to wallow in your mosh pit of despair.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Buckeye45 said:


> What I'm struggling with is what to do? One day I'm certain I want to try and save our marriage and the next day I'm just as certain that I need to move on. How does one know what the right thing to do is? My heart wants to reconcile but, my brain tells me there is just too much history and damage that has been done.


This is the million dollar question - what do I do, when one day I want to run for the hills, and the next day I want to save my marriage?

In your situation, I think you should ask yourself: "If we stay together, will she cheat again?" Then take it from there...

Separation and divorce is a very long and painful process but always keep your health and well-being in mind with any decision that you make. As well as that of your children.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

In this situation there is no specific "right thing to do"...you can only make your decision based on the actions of the past.

Cheating on you twice and showing little remorse or effort would not leave me with a good feeling for the future.


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