# Wife wants to separate and talking to another man.



## loucious (6 mo ago)

Hey guys,

this is my first post in here, and not something I thought ever do or have to do…
After 8 yrs, my wife has decided she wants to separate. Indefinitely. Says she doesn’t want a divorce (and wants to work on things), it’s just so hard to believe that right now.

I’ll make it simple. I own up to a lot of the failure. Promises to change, be more of a man, provide better, be there emotionally, help around the house more…and I just didn’t do it. I’d try, than fail. Promise to try again, and then fail again…I’m not going to get into what I feel “she did wrong”, cause I’m only worried about bettering myself, for me and her.

What has been one of the hardest things to deal with, is I found out she’s been messaging another guy for months. Hiding inside a phone games messaging function. I saw the messages on her phone, and she got so upset. Blaming me for spying and her having no privacy.
She says it’s just a friendship and I’m overthinking it, but at the same time says he’s “meeting emotional needs”. And I’ve seen how they just share so much with each other. I just don’t feel like she’s being 100% honest about how close they gave

The part that hurts is she says she still loves me, and some feelings for me, and wants our marriage to work out.But she just keeps talking to him…trying to hide it from me, talking to him about us.

why? Why would she continue to do something she know is hurting me so deeply, if she says she wants us to work out? My head tells me I deserve this pain for how much I hurt her.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

She's keeping you around in limbo as her plan B. Your wife at the very least is having an emotional affair, it could have possibly gone physical already. Blow up her world like yesterday. Expose her and file for divorce, at the very least it will hit her with a 2x4 of reality because of her actions. Do you want to be in a marriage with 3 people where your wife is actively looking for your replacement? Act now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Divorce her buddy.

She is what is known as a cake eating cheater.

She wants to keep you as a safety net and maybe even keeping your support, financial and other, while she gets boyfriends.

Get legal advice and don't talk to her about it.

She isn't your ally anymore and didn't discuss getting a boyfriend with you so keep her out of the loop as you work out the legal details.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Your wife is telling you very clearly that she does not want you anymore, does not respect you, is not in love with you, and wants to explore/ease into a life without you. She is looking to replace you but wants to keep you as her back up plan. Her actions make this crystal clear. Everything else she may be telling you is ********.

You need to take control of your situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.

DO NOT allow a separation, period.
A separation is only a way to

ease into a divorce at her convenience, and/or
try out another man/men. Do not allow a separation. She can work on her issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation.
She’s either your wife or she’s not. Do not tolerate anything in between.
If she insists she needs a separation to figure things out, YOU file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience.
If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife, respond accordingly.
You need to act immediately in your own best interest.

Also, do not tolerate this “friendship“ any longer.
1. It’s not a friendship, it’s an affair. At best it’s an emotional affair, but very possibly already a physical one.
2. Tell her you will not share your wife with another man in any way. She’s either your wife or she’s not.
If she will not end this relationship with her “friend“ YOU file for divorce immediately.

You need to take control of this situation immediately. Maybe that will help turn things around, maybe it won’t. I suspect it’s going to end in divorce either way, but at least if you take control of it now you can maintain your integrity and dignity.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

It would seem that your major problem is that you are listening to her words and not judging her by her actions. She is in an emotional affair with the other man. She wants to separate so she can test drive him before she dumps you. You are her plan B. 
You do not deserve this pain. Separating rarely fixes a marriage. It often ends it. Having an affair with someone else never fixes a marriage. 

There is a saying that in order to save a relationship, you have to willing to lose it. Weather you want to save the marriage or end it, I think the path forward is the same. Tell her that you will not share her. Tell her it is not what you want, but she is free to pursue the other man, but not as your wife. Tell her that you will agree to the separation if that is what she wants, and you will start divorce proceedings. Tell her if she wants to work on the marriage she must cut all contact with the other man. You have to mean all these things. Operate from a position of strength. Do not beg or cry in front of her. It will make you look weak and it never works.

Always refer to the other man as her affair partner and their relationship as an emotional affair. Quit blaming yourself for her crappy actions. Cheating is not a tool for repairing a relationship. See a lawyer so you can best protect yourself in case you do divorce. Find out if her affair partner is in a relationship. If so, inform his partner about what is going on. Lean on family and friends for support. Move forward with purpose and determination. You cannot make her want to stay. Only she can do that.

Do not offer reconciliation yet. She must be complete no contact with her affair partner and you both need to be 100% committed to saving the marriage before tackling reconciliation. 

Good luck.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Separation….aka I need space to bang the other guy.

Give her a divorce and implementation of the 180
Is paramount in your situation.

Your sir, in her mind are “Plan B”.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

loucious said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> this is my first post in here, and not something I thought ever do or have to do…
> After 8 yrs, my wife has decided she wants to separate. Indefinitely. Says she doesn’t want a divorce (and wants to work on things), it’s just so hard to believe that right now.
> ...


Because you have hurt her by not bothering to do anything to improve the things you know bother her, so she's giving up. Unless you are willing to commit 100% to doing the things she needs to stay married to you, just let her go. You didn't care enough to before, so I don't see dragging it out. Which is worse, you not holding up your end in the marriage or her talking to some guy on the internet game like a lot of people do even when they have no dishonest intentions. If you can convince her that you are now willing to be the husband she needs you to be, then get busy doing that and then you might have some grounds to ask her to cut off talking to some gaming guy.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because you have hurt her by not bothering to do anything to improve the things you know bother her, so she's giving up. Unless you are willing to commit 100% to doing the things she needs to stay married to you, just let her go. You didn't care enough to before, so I don't see dragging it out. Which is worse, you not holding up your end in the marriage or her talking to some guy on the internet game like a lot of people do even when they have no dishonest intentions. If you can convince her that you are now willing to be the husband she needs you to be, then get busy doing that and then you might have some grounds to ask her to cut off talking to some gaming guy.


If he was a bad husband, then she should end it, that's her right and I don't think any reasonable person would blame her. Instead she's keeping him on the sidelines as her fallback plan while she actively cheats on him. Ridiculous.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Beat her to the punch and file for divorce. It's over.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because you have hurt her by not bothering to do anything to improve the things you know bother her, so she's giving up. Unless you are willing to commit 100% to doing the things she needs to stay married to you, just let her go. You didn't care enough to before, so I don't see dragging it out. Which is worse, you not holding up your end in the marriage or her talking to some guy on the internet game like a lot of people do even when they have no dishonest intentions. If you can convince her that you are now willing to be the husband she needs you to be, then get busy doing that and then you might have some grounds to ask her to cut off talking to some gaming guy.


Wow, so now you’re defending and downplaying what appears to be (at least) an emotional affair. And ignoring that his wife is clearly playing him with the “separation but not divorce” nonsense.
And instead, bashing OP for some nebulous statement where he acknowledged that he has dropped the ball in his marriage in some ways.

It doesn’t matter what his failures as a husband has been, he does not need to tolerate cheating, inappropriate relationships and getting strung along in his marriage.

You are NOT helping the OP at all with this bitter nonsense response..


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

A separation is only going to give her a chance to explore more fully her new relationship. She wants out, that much is clear, but she also wants to pretend she may reconsider, that's her guilt talking. The only way she will come back to the marriage is if her new boyfriend turns out to be an ass. 

Don't give her that option, say goodbye, file for divorce. Do not leave the home, tell her to leave. Cancel credit cards, open a new bank account, stop 401(k) contributions. Save every message between the two of them you can find, the court doesn't care if she's cheating but the info may still give you some leverage at some point.

I know it sucks, I've been there, but this is not the time to be passive, it's time to man up and send her packing.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You cannot fix your relationship if she continues to talk to another man. She has to decide if she is done or not. If she wants to fix things with you she needs to stop talking to him and focus on the relationship. If she's done, take the leap and be done. Monkey-branching isn't ok, whether it's the man or the woman who does it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She likely doesn’t want a divorce because she wants to try out the other guy. If he works out, then she’ll divorce you. If he doesn’t, then she’ll be ready to try again with you. Until, that is, the next time someone else catches her eye. Don’t let that happen. The person who files is the one who controls the process. Don’t wait on her to take her sweet little time choosing between him and you. Take charge of your life or else she’ll do that for you. Wake up.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

loucious said:


> why? Why would she continue to do something she know is hurting me so deeply, if she says she wants us to work out? My head tells me I deserve this pain for how much I hurt her.


My man, she does that because she knows you're a pushover, a doormat, and from what you wrote she seems spot on!

For example you are asking this question:


loucious said:


> Why would she continue to do something she know is hurting me so deeply


I will ask you, why do you allow her to hurt you and disrespect you?
Do you know by acting so weak and passive you will lose what's left of your attractiveness and self respect? 
Plus, stop being such a lousy husband!
Keep your promises and have *firm boundaries*, better yourself!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

loucious said:


> What has been one of the hardest things to deal with, is I found out she’s been messaging another guy for months.


Irrelevant of what have you done to get the relationship to be where it is right now, what she's doing is just as wrong and is having you for a spin.

Dude, listen, everything you're being told to do here will go against your instincts. Why? Because you're afraid and will rationalize what we are telling you to do will drive her away, so your instinct is to continue to do what you've been doing...begging, reasoning, making promises, etc., in other words, you're doing the "pick me dance". 

Stop that immediately. In your fears, you have let your self respect and dignity disappear. You know what that does to a woman? It makes her look at the other man in a stronger, more appealing, and desirable light than you, because you look weak, he looks confident, daunting. You look beta, he looks alpha. 

How can you be trying to Salvage anything while she's having her attention, affection, interest in another person. You must get stronger, decisive and matter of fact with her, on your boundaries of what you're willing to accept. 

You must understand this:
You must be willing to lose the marriage if you are to demand what your boundaries are.

As you were told by others, the most likely situation is that you already lost her. She's way, way, ahead of you. Right now she's boldened enough to ask for separation because what she already prepared ahead of this...who's next.

You are being relegated to plan B. 

She's separating to "test drive" the new object of her affections while you're stupidly waiting in the wings.

Time to make a demand, such as:

Wife, I'm not willing to separate if what you want is to work on the marriage, nor I'm willing to continue in this relationship if what you obviously want is to test drive your options. I will not accept this disrespect. 

Chose now if you're willing to work on us, or I chose for you. If you give me non-committal answers I chose divorce, because obviously, your non-committal answer is the answer that says it all. 

Let's stop all pretenses now, and let's agree on a divorce that will not let the lawyers take us to the cleaners and keep that money foe ourselves. 

You must show that you're strong, decisive, and that you will not be played like fool. If she gets wishy-washy, or tells you that she wants a divorce, then YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER. That's what was going to happen after all while you wait, beg, and make promises. So, dude get it over NOW, one way or another. Take a shot of courage and confront.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

loucious said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> this is my first post in here, and not something I thought ever do or have to do…
> After 8 yrs, my wife has decided she wants to separate. Indefinitely. Says she doesn’t want a divorce (and wants to work on things), it’s just so hard to believe that right now.
> ...


She doesn’t give a damn about you or your feelings. She’s totally focused on her new boyfriend.
She’s not 100% sure yet so she’s keeping you on the back burner for now. You are her _pan B if her new boyfriend works out you’ll get dumped._
You have betrayed spouse syndrome. If it’s my fault I can fix this. Nope
I love her so she must love me too. Nope
Right now you are her chump became you allow it.

Sorry but this scenario plays out over and over. Nothing special at all except it’s happening to you. Read through a few here.
Let her go. See a good lawyer and file. Save yourself a lot of time and trouble.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You cannot fix your relationship if she continues to talk to another man. She has to decide if she is done or not. If she wants to fix things with you she needs to stop talking to him and focus on the relationship. If she's done, take the leap and be done. Monkey-branching isn't ok, whether it's the man or the woman who does it.


She’s already decided and it’s not her husband.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because you have hurt her by not bothering to do anything to improve the things you know bother her, so she's giving up. Unless you are willing to commit 100% to doing the things she needs to stay married to you, just let her go. You didn't care enough to before, so I don't see dragging it out. Which is worse, you not holding up your end in the marriage or her talking to some guy on the internet game like a lot of people do even when they have no dishonest intentions. If you can convince her that you are now willing to be the husband she needs you to be, then get busy doing that and then you might have some grounds to ask her to cut off talking to some gaming guy.


Not necessarily. We see a lot of *blame shifting* here. Pretty common. Most betrayed spouses are willing to accept anything.
This has all the hallmarks of a cheater
*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do not engage in the infamous ‘pick me dance’. All that does is lower your status and make her boyfriend look great. 
Trying to nice her back does the same.
Let her go and save yourself.
I’d bet all her blame shifting started when she met the new boyfriend.
It’s a typical cheater excuse.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He has totally neglected their marriage by his own admission.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

loucious said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> this is my first post in here, and not something I thought ever do or have to do…
> After 8 yrs, my wife has decided she wants to separate. Indefinitely. Says she doesn’t want a divorce (and wants to work on things), it’s just so hard to believe that right now.
> ...


Twatwaffle. She's a lying, manipulative twatwaffle.

All of the "things" you did or did not do?
You could heat Europe with the volume of missing Russian gas she is trying to light in front of you.

Say it with me now: Twatwaffle.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He has totally neglected their marriage by his own admission.


Which gives her the right to LEAVE the marriage --- NOT to keep him around "separated" while she pursues another guy...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He has totally neglected their marriage by his own admission.


Meh, you see this scenario all the time here. The complaints usually coincide with a new boyfriend showing up. 😂😂😂
If the marriage is so bad he should let poor muffin go as soon as possible.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Which gives her the right to LEAVE the marriage --- NOT to keep him around "separated" while she pursues another guy...


Oh I agree he should clear out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A woman doesn’t want a separation that hasn’t already sampled the goods.

fact: If you fail to show some strength (hard when your world view is shattered), and file for divorce tomorrow (not when it’s convenient, get it done) or you are going to for absolutely certain going to have no choice but to be divorced.
Blow up her world. Once this starts, it never gets better. Once a woman falls out of love and hits the switch, it never comes back on.

File for divorce or get screwed with and abused in the worst ways possible. 
if you file now, her desire to get free to the other man as soon as possible MIGHT get you a fair divorce.

If you allow her to separate with no consequences, she will totally detach, get her ducks in a row, get advised by her girlfriends on how to screw you over, abd you will be totally raped in court.

Fair warning: Your wife is no longer your friend. She’s the worst enemy you’ll ever have. 
ignoring this warning will be the worst mistake you’ll make.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nope. You do not solve marriage issues while apart, separation is a transition to divorce.

Tell her she's either your wife or she's not. She either cuts off contact with her affair partner (that's exactly what he is) and actively works on the marriage with you or; you divorce. Make it clear that there will be no separation.

She wants a separation so she can try before she buys, safe in the knowledge that her back up plan (you) is waiting in the wings.

Any issues in the marriage are on both of you, no doubt about that. The choice to cheat though, is 100% on her and her only.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Right now like a lot of betrayed spouses you are looking for a magic fix. There aren’t any.
If you stay in this you’ll just waste time and life that could be better spent elsewhere.
Your choice.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Remember, what’s happening with you happens every day. We see it here every day. 
The ONLY thing that has a chance of working is for you to do the exact opposite of what you want to do.

you want to: 
Talk to her and solve the problem. She wants to be with her other man. Your attempts repulse her.

hug her and kiss her and apologize for your shortcomings. She is repulsed by physical contact from you, and Will mentally store every apology you make as a reason to divorce you and why she is justified to cheat.

forgive Her and put it in the past. The present is that she doesn’t love you abd you are incapable of changing that. The present can’t be put in the past by hoping and wishing.

what you should do:

show righteous repulsion to HER since she’s cheating on you. Oh she said it’s never been physical? Oh, well she’s lying.

stop talking to her. You’ll just reinforce you’re still on the hook with her for plan b and she feels safe to cheat.

file for divorce. It will remove her safety net and shake her up (possibly)

either way, you should stop having contact with her, detach, file immediately, and move on.

if you can do this, you will look like a lot better man to catch than the wussy doing the pick me dance. Don’t ask how I know. I’ve done the jig for a short time. It’s stupid.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

loucious said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> this is my first post in here, and not something I thought ever do or have to do…
> After 8 yrs, my wife has decided she wants to separate. Indefinitely. Says she doesn’t want a divorce (and wants to work on things), it’s just so hard to believe that right now.
> ...


She is stalling for time. If she is trying to monkey branch to another man he hasn't committed to her. She is keeping you around as a safety net in case the other man doesn't work out. Also you are her possession and not allowed to move on.

Regardless of the true circumstances your role is as safety net in her life. She has you to fall back on if whatever fantasy she is chasing fails to work out. You also serve as a source of fuel. That is what your emotional rollercoaster is to her - fuel.

Cheaters lie, deny and minimize what they do.

She would love for you to work out but only on *her terms. *What are those terms? You are living them. You are meant to keep the home and pay the bills be her safety net while she seeks emotional and physical satisfaction elsewhere.

Why would she continue to do something that she knows is hurting you so deeply? Likely she is narcissistic. What that means is your pain and suffering is her fuel. The fact that you remain by her side while she does this to you is also fuel, proof to her of her control over you.

You deserve what you choose to settle for. I would recommend you stop talking to your wife and start talking to a lawyer to see what divorce looks like for you. The alternative is just more of what you are enduring already. The choice is yours. She will not change she will not stop cheating on you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I agree with others - you’re her back up plan. We’re all flawed, I’m sure you have done things that have hurt her or let her down, but having an emotional affair (which is headed for more once she or you move out) isn’t how you “work on a marriage.” Your wife has flaws too, I’m sure. My advice would be to say you don’t want to separate, but if she insists, then seek legal advice and discuss divorce with her.

I’m not against separations but they’re often just dress rehearsals for spouses who want to test out dating life and see if the grass is greener.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

She is only keeping you around in case her new man doesn't work out. She is probably already sleeping with this guy. You know what you have to do.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He has totally neglected their marriage by his own admission.


SO???

That doesn't make having an emotional affair okay.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> She is only keeping you around in case her new man doesn't work out. She is probably already sleeping with this guy. You know what you have to do.


Yep. You had no interest in the marriage until she started talking to another man, it’s no surprise she doesn’t believe you’re sincere about making things better and has someone in the wings. So just end it, let her go try out this other guy. Maybe you’ll both have better luck next time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yep. You had no interest in the marriage until she started talking to another man, it’s no surprise she doesn’t believe you’re sincere about making things better and has someone in the wings. So just end it, let her go try out this other guy. Maybe you’ll both have better luck next time.


Super common for a betrayed spouse to exaggerate their shortcomings so that in their mind they can fix things on their end and everything will be ok. Because they can control themselves…. Little do they know that it’s not about them. If it was the cheater would have divorced them. She’s found another man and wants to monkey branch. Of course she’s lapping up his admissions of bad husbandry like a starving cat on a bowl of milk, so she can justify herself and not accept any blame for her horrid behavior.
Your depiction that he deserves this behavior from his wife just helps him wallow in self pity rather than come down hard on his cheater.
Not helpful to him at all. In my opinion, people that first look at their own behavior when problems arise, are not selfish narcissistic jerks that are so bad to begin with. Selfish narcs that cheat and lie— they can’t see themselves as ever wrong, ever at fault, ever anything but a grand person that is a victim of abuse.
OP’s wife is monkey branching. I don’t see that as right on her part.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She may well want the marriage to work, but has low expectations of you based on your past actions and her experience, and is thinking of leaving. You've failed to participate in the marriage in the ways necessary, so you're on notice. You may have a chance to fix it - if you can - or opt to quit and divorce her before she initiates the process.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Super common for a betrayed spouse to exaggerate their shortcomings so that in their mind they can fix things on their end and everything will be ok. Because they can control themselves…. Little do they know that it’s not about them. If it was the cheater would have divorced them. She’s found another man and wants to monkey branch. Of course she’s lapping up his admissions of bad husbandry like a starving cat on a bowl of milk, so she can justify herself and not accept any blame for her horrid behavior.
> Your depiction that he deserves this behavior from his wife just helps him wallow in self pity rather than come down hard on his cheater.
> Not helpful to him at all. In my opinion, people that first look at their own behavior when problems arise, are not selfish narcissistic jerks that are so bad to begin with. Selfish narcs that cheat and lie— they can’t see themselves as ever wrong, ever at fault, ever anything but a grand person that is a victim of abuse.
> OP’s wife is monkey branching. I don’t see that as right on her part.


This person gets it. 
Narcissists don't have the ability to self reflect and better themselves without proper therapy. This guy is clearly a co-dependent people pleaser capable of looking in the mirror and saying he screwed up, but I'm sure it's not as bad as he is making it out to be, she's probably brow beaten him into believing he was worse than he was, in order to validate her behavior. If he does some honest self reflection, something tells me that some of her "stories" about his short comings are actually manipulations of past events using his own nature against him while she uses him in the process.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)




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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because you have hurt her by not bothering to do anything to improve the things you know bother her, so she's giving up. Unless you are willing to commit 100% to doing the things she needs to stay married to you, just let her go. You didn't care enough to before, so I don't see dragging it out. Which is worse, you not holding up your end in the marriage or her talking to some guy on the internet game like a lot of people do even when they have no dishonest intentions. If you can convince her that you are now willing to be the husband she needs you to be, then get busy doing that and then you might have some grounds to ask her to cut off talking to some gaming guy.


Her 'talking to some guy on the internet' is actually an affair-- which is a much bigger betrayal than his not being a great husband....to answer your question. You seem to imply that he deserves to be cheated on.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

uwe.blab said:


> Her 'talking to some guy on the internet' is actually an affair-- which is a much bigger betrayal than his not being a great husband....to answer your question. You seem to imply that he deserves to be cheated on.


Sisterhood!


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## Hurthusband77 (May 9, 2021)

Just adding my vote to file for divorce and move on. She’s wanting time to test drive the new guy while keeping you as plan B. If the new guy doesn’t work out, then she’ll come back to you, but only if you change things, because “she’s not happy”. 

You can own half of the marriage problems, she owns 100% of her cheating (and yes, relying on another man to fulfill emotional needs is cheating). 

Be firm and decisive. I would bet if you do this, she will see that her plan B might not work out. She’s simply trying to monkey branch, screw that, file for divorce and move on to another woman that will respect you, because she certainly isn’t.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

My sister was a wayward. Her unhappiness with her husband coincided with an affair with her boss.
Her reason was she hated her MIL. 😂 so that’s what made her cheat.🤣
Just your regular excuse. Happens all the time.
Her husband was smart enough to let her go.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Classic example of yet another man who goes down in flames and raped in court as his desperately clings to “she should love me”.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I got in this site because my ex wanted a divorce and said I was a bad husband. I knew I too had faults like the OP. TAMers told me she was cheating. I was in denial. Found out, confronted, tried to fix things. 4 days later I found out it was still going on and gave her the boot (which she wanted, I did not) which I had no other choice but to do or live with a cheating b who clearly did not are anything for me after 3 kids and 18 yrs together.

OP see an attorney. She’s going to leave you anyway. You have no choice.
If you wait you will get screwed in court even worse. I can’t stress how important it is for YOU to file and for YOU to do it today.
Do not delay until tomorrow, getting sn attorney and starting the process. Present her with papers while she still may have a little guilt a snake her a fair deal and have her sign on it.
Especially on child custody. Specify in the papers you will not be responsible for the cost of extracurricular activities of your kids that you don’t specifically agree to, and specify at least 50/50 custody.

either prepare for war or prepare to be subservient to your ex wife forever abd you will literally pay her to be with other men.

please take some advice and file now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> I got in this site because my ex wanted a divorce and said I was a bad husband. I knew I too had faults like the OP. TAMers told me she was cheating. I was in denial. Found out, confronted, tried to fix things. 4 days later I found out it was still going on and gave her the boot (which she wanted, I did not) which I had no other choice but to do or live with a cheating b who clearly did not are anything for me after 3 kids and 18 yrs together.
> 
> OP see an attorney. She’s going to leave you anyway. You have no choice.
> If you wait you will get screwed in court even worse. I can’t stress how important it is for YOU to file and for YOU to do it today.
> ...


This is so typical. Happens like clockwork. I cringe every time I hear ‘I’m fighting for my marriage’. If you have to fight for a marriage you don’t have one worth fighting for. It’s just a worthless piece of paper.
Too many get caught up in the ‘save your marriage’. If you do this they’ll come back😂. What would you be getting back? A lot are looking for that easy magic fix.
Reconciliations happen but are rare. Most often it’s only because the betrayed spouse deals with it from a position of strength. 
I don’t watch Disney movies. Fantasy rarely meets reality.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> This is so typical. Happens like clockwork. I cringe every time I hear ‘I’m fighting for my marriage’. If you have to fight for a marriage you don’t have one worth fighting for. It’s just a worthless piece of paper.
> Too many get caught up in the ‘save your marriage’. If you do this they’ll come back😂. What would you be getting back? A lot are looking for that easy magic fix.
> Reconciliations happen but are rare. Most often it’s only because the betrayed spouse deals with it from a position of strength.
> I don’t watch Disney movies. Fantasy rarely meets reality.


Sometimes you just have to condemn and teardown the whole thing because it not fixable.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

With cheating, it’s basically unfixable.
One cannot make another person fall in love with them again. 99999/100000 cheaters can’t even force THEMSELVES to fall in love with their spouse again.

When a spouse doesn’t go nuclear upon discovery of cheating, there is zero chance if a successful reconciliation. Without the cheater discovering they have majorly f’d up with major life altering consequences, their mind stays hooked like a drug on thoughts of their AP, even if the AP isn’t around anymore.

As said, there isn’t a magic fix, but we HAVE seen at least a few men have the chance at reconciliation after serving their cheating wife papers and seeing the fairytale evaporate right before their eyes when the AP’s wife finds out and he throws the wayward under the bus and dumps her and they’re left with the thought of handling life on their own. That’s really scary to a selfish cheater. They like the easy life in most cases.


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## Faith20 (Feb 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because you have hurt her by not bothering to do anything to improve the things you know bother her, so she's giving up. Unless you are willing to commit 100% to doing the things she needs to
> this is my first post in here, and not something I thought ever do or have to do…
> After 8 yrs, my wife has decided she wants to separate. Indefinitely. Says she doesn’t want a divorce (and wants to work on things), it’s just so hard to believe that right now.
> 
> ...


Good point. so many seems to forget he has done more then his saying . Probably hurt her in so many ways
The things your supposed to have done in your marriage you did not . Now she found someone to do them .
I feel her pain and nothing hurt a woman then a man promising to get a job be a better husband over and over and did nothing. You pushed her away . In my case I could not leave because I was afraid and family also but the very day I moved out was the best day of my life . 2 years later. he still wants me back , now his willing to do everything.
so if you want your wife back you have to change your ways and be a better husband. More to your story than your letting out


loucious said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> this is my first post in here, and not something I thought ever do or have to do…
> After 8 yrs, my wife has decided she wants to separate. Indefinitely. Says she doesn’t want a divorce (and wants to work on things), it’s just so hard to believe that right now.
> ...





DownByTheRiver said:


> He has totally neglected their marriage by his own admission.


thank you . They did not read it .


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Says she doesn’t want a divorce (and wants to work on things)*, it’s just so hard to believe that right now

Since a couple of you are also having trouble reading, I’ll underline this for you:

She’s Been “neglected” for so long, but wants to separate but at the same time wants to work on things. Anyone but a child knows that is total ********.

She is talking to another man and wants to Separate so she can have all the time in the world to get him in the sack and if it doesn’t work out, she can claim “I never cheated, we were separated” and talk the man SHE believes to be a weak, gullible chump into swallowing the **** Sammich and take her back—- because he ain’t that dang bad!

Otherwise, she’d just cut him loose abd say nothing about “working on things”.
The only thing she’s going to be working on is packing salami for the meat man she’s got on the hook.

So you man haters that want to have OP sitting wringing his hands and wishing it was all his fault so he can finally change and satisfy his wife…..,,,,SHE DOESN’T WANT HIM! She wants another man.

So whether he makes himself a saint or not in the next few months snd stats that way, it’s not going to change her feelings. Her feelings are gone.

Wheb you tell the man to be a better husband so she will love him again, you’re lying to him and you know it isn’t true.

Yes, OP. Analyze the things you can work on as a husband. But change so you can be a better person and not in hopes of your wife suddenly swooning over her new guy that’s a changed husband. It’s not happening. Be a better man. Divorce her and regain your dignity and self confidence. 
You DO NOT have to get married again. You can stay however you are that you’re happy with. You will be ok without a cheating wife. They’re far worse than no wife at all.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Faith20 said:


> Good point. so many seems to forget he has done more then his saying . Probably hurt her in so many ways
> The things your supposed to have done in your marriage you did not . Now she found someone to do them .
> I feel her pain and nothing hurt a woman then a man promising to get a job be a better husband over and over and did nothing. You pushed her away . In my case I could not leave because I was afraid and family also but the very day I moved out was the best day of my life . 2 years later. he still wants me back , now his willing to do everything.
> so if you want your wife back you have to change your ways and be a better husband. More to your story than your letting out
> ...


I read it. After being on here for over 7 years I can smell blame shifting a mile off.
Typical response of why he made her cheat. Her cheating is all his fault. 😂😂😂😂
Sounds like a rugsweeping marriage counselor 😎


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Faith20 said:


> Good point. so many seems to forget he has done more then his saying . Probably hurt her in so many ways
> The things your supposed to have done in your marriage you did not . Now she found someone to do them .
> I feel her pain and nothing hurt a woman then a man promising to get a job be a better husband over and over and did nothing. You pushed her away . In my case I could not leave because I was afraid and family also but the very day I moved out was the best day of my life . 2 years later. he still wants me back , now his willing to do everything.
> so if you want your wife back you have to change your ways and be a better husband. More to your story than your letting out
> ...


Oh I read it. I just see it for the BS it is. WS always rewrite history. Always.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Faith20 said:


> Good point. so many seems to forget he has done more then his saying . Probably hurt her in so many ways
> The things your supposed to have done in your marriage you did not . Now she found someone to do them .
> I feel her pain and nothing hurt a woman then a man promising to get a job be a better husband over and over and did nothing. You pushed her away . In my case I could not leave because I was afraid and family also but the very day I moved out was the best day of my life . 2 years later. he still wants me back , now his willing to do everything.
> so if you want your wife back you have to change your ways and be a better husband. More to your story than your letting out
> ...


This would be the cheater's story.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

uwe.blab said:


> This would be the cheater's story.


Commonly called the cheater script. Just change the names and dates.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> I read it. After being on here for over 7 years I can smell blame shifting a mile off.
> Typical response of why he made her cheat. Her cheating is all his fault. 😂😂😂😂
> Sounds like a rugsweeping marriage counselor 😎


He cheats. He's an a**hole. She cheats. It's his fault for being neglectful. You're spot on.


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