# Need a Man's Advice



## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

My husband says he isn't sure that he loves me as a wife. He loves me as a person, as a mother to our child, as a friend (very good friend), but not sure about as a wife. I think we bit off a lot more than we could chew, and in doing so we allowed our love to fizzle and fade, and possibly even disintegrate entirely. I still love him, without a doubt I know that. But I'd like to know what I can do to have him re-fall in love with me?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MadeMistakes said:


> My husband says he isn't sure that he loves me as a wife. He loves me as a person, as a mother to our child, as a friend (very good friend), but not sure about as a wife. I think we bit off a lot more than we could chew, and in doing so we allowed our love to fizzle and fade, and possibly even disintegrate entirely. I still love him, without a doubt I know that. But I'd like to know what I can do to have him re-fall in love with me?


Which one of you is the partner with the "lower temperature"?

In other words, who is saying the "I love you's"... who is initiating sex, etc.


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## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

We both say "I love you" though I am more open with them than he is. I initiate sex more often than him. So, he has the "lower temperature" I guess you could say.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

First I would either investigate who is the other woman.

As is always the first step when hearing the ILYBINILWY speech.


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## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

No other woman. His dad likes to cast doubts on our relationship and how it's "not right" and how his and his wife's (his 2nd marriage) is so much better than ours and how H isn't getting what he needs out of this marriage/out of me as a wife.

He had/has gay tendencies in the bedroom. I found out in June that he had pursued that "fantasy" of his and had hooked up with another man in March when I was out of town with our child. All H did was give the other man a bj (and please don't read that as I'm accepting that as "just because it was a bj that makes it ok"). He was so disgusted with himself afterwards that he could not even get hard and had to immediately leave (this is my H's story and matches along with the emails that I found he had with this man). He says he has regretted it every day since then, and is still disgusted with himself that he did that.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Given that he cheated ... with another male ... and does not feel desire for you, why do you want to stay?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Given that he cheated ... with another male ... and does not feel desire for you, why do you want to stay?


Very succinct.

I'm left wondering the same thing.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I actually deleted the last line in my post asking if he was homosexual, thinking it would perhaps be viewed as disrespectful.



The real issue is becoming very clear.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Given that he cheated ... with another male ... and does not feel desire for you, why do you want to stay?


I wouldn't jump to any conclusion about his sexual orientation... it could be that he is just feeling very submissive and is craving some kind of dominance. Some "straight" guys can be turned on by this kind of treatment. If you still have a sex life with him try being a little aggressive and see if he responds, if so maybe he is receptive to some experimentation (ie use a toy on him), and read his body language not his words because it is probably embarrasing for him to talk about, maybe just the kind of humiliation he wants to feel. I don't know that this would be the answer to your problems but it may help understand a little.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Lon,

I am in most ways as socially liberal as they come, perhaps barring my views on promiscuity I suppose.

But just this, Heterosexual or Homosexual, if there is someone else in the picture, the ILYBINILWY speech requires the same approach.

Smash the affair, get the OW/OM out of the picture first.

Only then, when the fog is clear, can any real work begin on the relationship.

I know a few women having gone through with this being married to and divorced by homosexual men, unfortunately each time has been an emotional nightmare for all involved, this level of deceit is so hard to fathom, much less overcome or even admit, and so much self blame left in the wake, I really feel bad for everyone involved in this particular scenario.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

BBW, I agree, ILYBINILWY is the big red flag that so often gets put up when there is infidelity. That needs to be checked off the list first... And in my last comment I did suggest that I wasn't proposing any kind of solution to the faded feelings. Just an additional point of view. I mainly put it up because I saw this thread devolving into the hetero/**** issue - I do think there are some grey areas but I also think that there are classical/natural gender roles that apply to "most" relationships. If there is an affair it needs to be killed before my topic can even be put on the table.


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## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

Sorry I had to step away from the computer for a bit.

I know he is no longer cheating. I know that he also is not gay. I've had at-length conversations with him about his sexuality, his sexual preferences in bed with me, and his escapade with this other man.

He said that it was a fantasy/thought/something he was curious about for a long time - since high school. He only recently "got up the nerve" to actually put his thoughts at rest. He says since that interaction he 100% has no doubts that he is not gay, and no desire to ever do that again. I said "gee, thanks, glad you could work up the courage once you were finally married to me" in a joking manner, but he felt bad enough. He also says that sucking another man's **** was the only real thing he was curious about/interested in - he was never interested in actually having sex with another man. However, yes, I have used a toy with him before, and he has used one on himself as well. But I liken that to "well if it feels good to me, then who am I to say that it shouldn't feel good to him, too?"

I want to remain married to him because I love him. I love him very, very much. We have a pretty decent relationship/marriage. I've elected to forgive him for cheating on me. Forget about it? No. But forgive him? Yes. We have a beautiful child who doesn't need to come from a broken home if we can avoid it.

Our relationship/marriage really hit rock bottom and fell upon some hard times, and I think we found ourselves living together but independently for a while. And now it's time to rebuild the love that brought us together in the first place. I'm asking how I might be able to rekindle that spark with him. He said, for now, we're just "floating along" so to speak. He's had a lot of doubts and questions of "do I really want MadeMistakes to be my wife?" in the past year and a half, but he's also aware of just how far we've come together since hitting rock bottom. Things have gotten SO much better. And that's where his confusion comes in. He's trying to decide how he feels and what he wants to do. I think if I could help him re-fall in love with me, it would make his decision that much easier.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So what are the issues on the table? Attraction? Accountability? Financial? Division of responsibility?

What's his father's beef with you? 

You're talking around whatever the 'core' is.

Although, you get the same foundation advice everybody gets. You can't 'make' him, or help him do anything, but you can undoubtedly take steps for yourself that will impact how he responds to you.


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## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

Attraction towards me would be the biggest issue. I put on a fairly significant amount of weight while pregnant with our child. I have lost about 20 lbs in the past 2 months, and am well on my way to losing more. I have about 30 to go until I'm back to our "wedding weight," but many more to go before I'm at an ideal weight.

I also suffered from undiagnosed postpartum depression for a year after our child was born. I let myself go terribly. Hygiene wasn't on the top of my list - it would sometimes be 4 days between showers. I didn't do my hair. I put little to no effort into what clothes I was going to wear. I can tell you now how disgusting and unappealing I must have been, but in the moment, while suffering from depression, I had no clue.

Division of responsibility is not an issue. It used to be, but we've since really worked out that portion of our relationship. For financial, I am the breadwinner. We live off of my paycheck. Anything he manages to make is considered "extra" for us, as it is never very much and it is too rarely occurring to be considered something we can count on. This became our financial situation right around the time our child was born - and when we started to have our most significant disagreements in our relationship. Would it help to know that he is self employed, so the reason he's not bringing in any income is because his business can barely stay afloat (or, in not so nice terms, the business is a failure)? I have never said those words to him, but I do, from time to time, try to stress that if the business cannot produce something for us to add to our bank account then what's the plan? I do support him/his business, and I wish beyond all wishes that it can/would succeed. But I am also realistic with the situation.

I'm not sure what you mean in regards to accountability?

I'm fairly certain his father hates me. He thinks I'm trying to deny him a relationship with his son (my H) and his grandchild. I don't know why he feels that way. He is the kind of guy that when he says jump he is used to people asking how high. When I came along I refused to be that person and "challenged his authority" as he put it. Basically, I refused to be a doormat and tried to avoid my H being used as one as well. I've since learned that that was a poor choice on my part because if H was happy with the situation then I was fighting more than my FIL on the matter.

I'm not meaning to talk around the "core." But I didn't want to give out a lot of unnecessary information, either.

I know that I can't make him do anything, or even help him do anything. But I do want to do all that I can (which may turn the tides in regards to his feelings) so that if this doesn't turn out well I will at the very least know that I did all that I could do to prevent failure.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Saying that someone is a little gay, or has "tendancies" is akin to saying someone has a little cancer. 

As a man, the thought of anohter mans whohow in my mouth is repulsive. I don't want to come across as insensitive, but I would be very concerned that you H is, well, a homosexual. Best wishes.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

I do hope you both have been tested for STDs.

Knew a man, wanted to experiment, got laid by a man ONCE, got engaged to a woman, he was deployed, discovered he had AIDS, did not pass it to her, broke engagement, went fully into gay lifestyle while under treatment, died before he was 30.

Unless you are a fan of Clinton, he had sex with another man. 

I'm no shrink, but daddy is dominating, he takes a submissive roll with another man, and he puts himself in a submissive roll to you. 

He needs to close the business, get a job, get counseling and let your income be the 'extra.' Trust me, you can't carry the load of a FIL, him, the baby and your job till death do you part. He needs to get real and stop drifting.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MadeMistakes ~ I hope you don't mind me contributing, I remember reading some of your story before. I think you have both been through a lot especially at a young age. 

My initial thoughts on your story were focused on him feeling unresolved or in denial about his sexuality. I remember you'd written before that he wanted someone more 'outdoorsy' etc that he could do those types of activities with and that's not what you're really about. Regardless of gender, it sounds like he's daydreaming of a life outside of you. 

I get the feeling you are probably doing what you can to make this work but things can only really change if both people are willing. I know you want your marriage to work and it still might, however at this point you may need to 'let go' and see what happens. 

I wish you all the best. You sound like a very strong person. Whatever happens from here, I think you're only going to get stronger.


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