# Unhappy Husband, need help!



## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

My husband and I were married in March 2008 and dates about 3 years prior to this. We have two boys ages 5 and 2. My husband has always been a lovey dovey kinda guy. Texts me how much he loves me, ect. Well, about 3 weeks ago this changed...

We have NOT had a good sex life in the past few years. Maybe twice a month. I grew up with parents who stayed together, but showed no affection, so in turn that is how I am. 

My husband told me he is not happy...He never said he was leaving, but just that he was not happy. He feels we are best friends, but not lovers...He tried to emotionally shut down and become distant, but I haven't let him. I told him we need to fight for our marriage. We started MC last week. I thought it went well....He said "I don't feel different" but I told him we won't be fixed in one session...We are going again tomorrow and he says he will go. He says he still has hope for us, it is just SO hard to stay patient and give him time to try and have feelings for me. He says he isn't ready to have sex with me yet. He says it is weird for him to be unhappy, then feel good having sex, then feel unhappy after...BUT, we are going out together Saturday to a bar and band and I am hoping we can have some good time re-connect...I love him and I want our family to stay as a whole unit...

I do feel as I am the only one trying, but trying to remind myself to give him time...Has anyone had issues where one or both of you were unhappy, but it got better??


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Have you noticed any other changes in him recently?


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

No...His job has been crazy, but no WAY he is cheating..He literally works and comes home. Still is an amazing dad, ect...He ever talked with his mom (she tells me everything) and said the same thing to him...I know I haven't been a good wife and he says he wants to fall in love with me again, its just getting there...


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am sorry about this. You are very lucky that your husband is sharing with you his unhappiness; many do not until it is too late.

You said you "feel like the only one trying" but that is not true. Your husband is going to MC; he is trying.

There are also good books to read so hopefully other members will post (can't remember all of them).

Twice a month sex may not be cutting it for him.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

I feel for you because I am in your exact situation except it is reverse. Been married for 3 years, together for 10. Wife wont have sex with me now and claims to be unhappy and wants to do this weird pseudo separaton so she can 'find herself' I am fully committed to trying to make this work but she is not giving me an inch. Its very frustrating and I feel your pain.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

He didn't fall in love with you overnight so likely he is not going to fall back in love with you overnight. And from my perspective he IS trying. Just like Emerald said. In fact, he is doing more than most husbands. He is communicating his feelings and he is going to MC. That says A LOT! But you both need to have patience with the process. 

I came from an in tact family as well but there was no affection between my parents as I was growing up. I struggled with this for a long time. I knew I had to change so I "faked it till I made it". Meaning, I forced myself to be more affectionate. It was very uncomfortable for me at first but the more I did it the easier it got. I am not saying you have to get naked and throw yourself on top of your husband but it can start by placing your hand on his leg or reaching for his hand when you walk. And honestly, he will need to get comfortable with this new you as well. He may say he wants more affection from you but he needs to wade into the water right along side of you. 

This marriage CAN be fixed with two willing and patient partners. I wish you both the best of luck and HAPPINESS!


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Im starting to think that parents staying together is actually worse than divorced, bc of the point you all make. My wife has two parents that are still married but have slept in separate beds for over 10 years. They barely speak and act like they know each other much less act married. They have both never even said 'i love you' to their daughter. I have hypothisezed that this is the reason why she is so cold to me sometimes and never wants affection and is probably the genesis of all of the problems we are having. How can you break someone free from thsi cycle?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Just noticed your user name  --- 

YOU NEED TO STAY POSITIVE!


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this. I gather from your post that you would like to have sex more frequently than you are having it. Your husband tells you he feels more like your best friend than your lover. Does it feel to you that he does not want to try to "fix" the marriage? Is he just going along with it to make you happy? 

About three weeks ago the texts just stopped. That is kinda strange. Could there be another woman in the picture?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

almostsingle30 said:


> I do feel as I am the only one trying, but trying to remind myself to give him time...Has anyone had issues where one or both of you were unhappy, but it got better??


Please suggest to your husband nicely that you would like him to take you out on dates he did before you got married. Dinner, sporting events, concerts, shows, ... any or all of the above. Ask him to pick the time and place, make the arrangements and let you know when to be ready. In you case, I would suggest you ask him to set up a "date night" and do this every week


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Read this.

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"I grew up with parents who stayed together, but showed no affection, so in turn that is how I am"

Hmmm...Was this brought up in counseling? I would hazard a guess that he no longers feels he is desired by you and is tired of making the efforts all the time


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Has your husband ever complained to you about a lack of intimacy for awhile and has just now "shut it down"? Have you regularly rejected his advances and has he complained about you not initiating or showing any affection to him? If so, then he may have implemented a 180 plan on you where he is going to do the opposite of what he used to do. 

Funny, if he has been feeling neglected by you and has implemented the 180, then perhaps it's already having an affect on you considering in your last post you are hoping that the two of you reconnect on a more intimate level. Granted, he's doing the 180 for himself to help cope with what is hurting him in the marriage; however, there is a side affect that can cause behavior change in the spouse as well. 

You two need to clearly communicate what is going on in each others heads and work towards coming up with good compromises so that both of your needs are met.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You said you haven't been a good wife. What exactly does that mean?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Forget for the moment about what he has to do.

You have to meet his emotional needs. Read the Five Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs, and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

You have to establish a track record of meeting his needs for a few months before you can expect him to start noticing and wanting to improve his marraige.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Toffer said:


> "I grew up with parents who stayed together, but showed no affection, so in turn that is how I am"
> 
> Hmmm...Was this brought up in counseling? I would hazard a guess that he no longers feels he is desired by you and is tired of making the efforts all the time


spot on


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

I was a bad wife because I wasn't meeting all his needs...He said in MC that I am a wonderful mom and teacher, but a crappy wife. 

I have a stressful job and sometimes I just want to be alone. I guess over the years that got old for him. He says we had times of happiness, but overall he felt so disconnected and betrayed....

He is still here and WANTS it to work, it just feels like he is so mad at me....We have another session tomorrow and Saturday night we are going to go out by ourselves and have fun. I just wish he would love me again and WANT to touch me...

I love and cherish him so much, but being patient is so hard...bla


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## LoveLikeYouMeanIt (Oct 10, 2012)

I agree with Hicks. The 5 Love Languages book is very good! It's all about doing what makes the other person feel loved. The thing is, what makes you feel loved is probably different from how he feels loved. I would, even before you get a chance to read it, ask him what kind of things make him feel loved / what kind of things he would like you to do.
Secondly, if he is like most guys, he probably has a greater need for respect than for love. So figure out from him what things make him feel respected. If he doesn't know, I would try things like specifically saying I'm proud of you for___. Wow!... You really___!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveLikeYouMeanIt (Oct 10, 2012)

Like I was saying, I would try things like specifically saying I'm proud of you for___. Wow!... You really___! I am so impressed with how you___! 
*Those would probably work well if his love language is words of affirmation. But, if it is quality time, those words might not mean as much as things like: coming right over when he asks you to, and spending time doing what he's interested in.
But, I would figure out his love language as soon as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveLikeYouMeanIt (Oct 10, 2012)

I mentioned words of affirmation and quality time.
Just so you know, the other 3 are 
physical touch, 
gifts, and 
acts of service

Another great book is Love and Respect. It tells you how to get out of the crazy cycle. This is the crazy cycle: He feels disrespected so he treats you unloving. You feel unloved so you treat him disrespectfully, and it goes on and on and you don't even know what started it or how to stop it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EddieJ333 (Mar 10, 2012)

My wife and me have been married for twenty years. She thought for some years that she was a good wife and that we had a very good sexual life, but what she didn't notice for such a long time is that every time we had sex she made things the way she liked, without giving me any chance to do things the way I wanted to be, I tried a lot to suggest some changes, to do things at a different way, or moments, or pace, but we always ended doing things her way. There came a time when I gave up from trying to change her routine, and I got used to it. So she reinforced her idea that we were a very good couple sexually, but in fact I felt each year more bored and I felt too that my expectatives for sex were completely ignored. Since some MC we took sometime ago, my unhapiness surged by talking to the Psychologist who attended us, he helped me to understand that the origin of my bad mood was that unhapiness that I supported for such a long time, and by feeling that way we were in a high danger of being splited up by any woman who could have offered me the sexual freedom I didn't have with her. It didn't happen that I knew a woman who gave me all the things I didn't had with my wife, and the trouble is fixed by now after she understood that she was wrong thinking that we had a "good" sexual life, but it was from her point of view. Not mine. And if I had only knew another woman who were less rigid than her in those questions, I surely had a sudden change in my relationship with her. Hope this helps.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Me thinks you are in serious trouble here. Sex is like the last bridge for a guy to knock down before the relationship is over. 
Unless he has a medical issue, He is seriously, detached from you. Like totally.
People even have sex with friends, acquaintances. He only has to like you, to have sex with you. hell, he doesnt even have to like you for that, it just helps. so your marriage is already pretty much dead.

My only suggestion would be, if he isnt having a affair. you should consider just letting him go. If he is that detached, and he is still living with you. That is seriously not healthy. He is probably just going to the mc out of obligation. Detachment is detachment. he is nolonger there.
Other thing is guys dont usually discuss their problems as much as females. So if he brought this to you, you know it is bad. They dont send up false flags. But usually raise them after the ship already sank.
i would consider a separation. A long one. And see if you can rebuild again from the dating. But separate. Your living arrangement is not mentally healthy.


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## LoveLikeYouMeanIt (Oct 10, 2012)

He may be detached right now. 
But 
I DON'T THINK IT'S TIME TO QUIT if you are willing to work on it! I bet he could get excited. 
He had to be excited about something at some point.
What if you could do something together that you are both passionate about? 
PEOPLE ARE HAPPY WHEN THEY ARE PURSUING something they are excited about. If there is nothing that you are both passionate about, find out something that he is excited about/interested in and SUPPORT HIM in that pursuit.
My guess is that he is probably not in the pursuit of anything exciting or important right now and therefor getting bored and bitter. (I'm not saying that raising the kids is not exciting or important) But it sounds like he is spending a lot of time at work and doesn't have much time for anything else. If his work isn't really meaningful, I could see how he could get pretty depressed. Then on top of that if he comes home and finally gets to be with the people that are important and doesn't connect in a way that HE FEELS loved and respected, life is kind of bleak!
My advice: MAKE TIME to do something that he is interested in. He probably hasn't gotten to do it for a long time and doesn't feel like he has time to do it or maybe doesn't have money to do it. It won't be easy or convenient. But figure out a way to do it.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Forget for the moment about what he has to do.
> 
> You have to meet his emotional needs. Read the Five Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs, and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.
> 
> You have to establish a track record of meeting his needs for a few months before you can expect him to start noticing and wanting to improve his marraige.


Exactly.

He _has_ been trying - for years. The lovey-dovey stuff is strong evidence of that. I wonder if you recognized that effort for what it was, or if you just enjoyed it.

He is simply not going to believe you when you say you want to work it out - not after this long. You need to demonstrate that you are willing to meet his specific needs. Vague statements like wanting to work it out are not going to cut it. For all he knows, you are just waiting to go back to the old status quo.

I'm not sure what the MC is for. Are you now trying to meet his need and he's resisting your advances? Or, are you not willing to improve the sex life and are trying to find another way of making the marriage worth it for him?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

bribrius said:


> People even have sex with friends, acquaintances. He only has to like you, to have sex with you. hell, he doesnt even have to like you for that, it just helps. so your marriage is already pretty much dead.


Not all guys are this way. Unless you are talking about a horny teenager, many guys don't want to hook up. He does have to like you, at a minimum. I personally could not be with someone whom I would not hang out with absent the sex.

Also, he has to be confident that you will be a good steward of his fidelity / sexuality.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

I think you two are not compatible. In other words you have a compassionate love but not a consummate love. Forcing things never works it has to be natural. That is the shame so many people try and force it.

I hope marriage counseling works for you though but if not id suggest ending it before things get worse.


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## MariaDroste (Oct 11, 2012)

Marriage is all about caring and understanding. Even if he has a few issues, he readily went in for the Medical Counseling because you wanted to give it a shot. It simply shows that he still cares for you and has not given up on marriage. Him being an excellent Dad just solidifies his love for the institution of marriage. And as you must notice, he has been very open about how he had been feeling. Sometimes you do tend to feel as if the other person is not putting in the same effort as you are doing. But there might have been times in the past, when he must have taken the extra stride to ensure that everything fell in place. He has loved you all these years and its not going to fade away overnight. Just keep trying and I hope it gets you people back together as a happy family.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

almostsingle30 said:


> I was a bad wife because I wasn't meeting all his needs...He said in MC that I am a wonderful mom and teacher, but a crappy wife.
> 
> *So what have you done to address this?*
> 
> ...


*Look, you need to be realistic here. You spent YEARS building up a wall between your husband and yourself. 3 counseling sessions ARE NOT going to knock it down! You've got Months if not YEARS of work ahead of you and you are starting to sound like someone who is looking for a quick fix. This is a situation of your own making. YOU need to do the heavy lifting here. Just be thankful he's still willing to try and fix this and not (currently) looking to move on. Continue to demonstrate a lack of patience and hard work and I can almost guarantee that will change*


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Bottom Line: I am not willing to give up on this marriage...
a) My husband hasn't left
b) He wants to love me again
c) He is trying to get over what he is feeling..

Last night he gave me a foot rub, which is huge..I am planning a nice night out for Saturday and I am hoping he will be open to being physical...I know he doesn't like feeling this way about, but he resents me right now...He has to let it go though, or we will never be able to move on...

I don't think a trial seperation would be good for us. I know it can work, but I think it would just push us away...Marriage can really stink..


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## HighMaintenance (Oct 10, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> In you case, I would suggest you ask him to set up a "date night" and do this every week


Ditto to this.My old man is gone half the year which has created distance on many levels.Date night is a small effort with potentially high payoff.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

It great he wants to work at it. I don't remember anyone here suggesting a seperation and I agree that doing so would probably do more bad than good.

What i am saying is that most of the issues in your marriage seem to have been created by you. You are the one that should shoulder MOST of the responsibility for trying to fix this and YOU are the one who needs to be patient now while counseling runs it's course.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

I understand that, it is just hard...

I miss my loving hubby :/


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## LoveLikeYouMeanIt (Oct 10, 2012)

Glad to hear about the footrub!
Have you thought about or asked him yet about the things he's excited about or what ways he feels loved or respected?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm married to a women who also finds it hard to show affection or verbalize intimacy (Abusive alcoholic parents). As a result I detached and have a hard time wanting sex with her. A huge bummer. I would hazard a guess that your husband doesn't believe you can change so he might be feeling a bit hopeless and therefore depressed. I would need to see some consistant behaviorial changes before I could allow myself to believe that a happy future was a possibility. Talk is cheap and means absolutely nothing when a behavioral pattern has been firmly established for years. I think MC is great for bringing out the issues and providing solutions but its the spouses actions that ultimately count. It may take many months or even a year to get your husband to believe that you are capable of the affection he needs. One drunken night of sex is not going to flip him like a switch. It's not a bad idea, but it will not resolve the underlying problem. Now if you two are able to have hot sex without the alcohol I would say you were on the road to healing your marriage. 

Peace


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Although you told us he said you were a crappy wife for not meeting his needs you have yet to tell us what those needs he said you were not meeting are ( ? ) That would be appreciated as it give us insight into his particular issues.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

His needs are more intimacy all together, sex included and also me being interested in anything he likes...

At therapy yesterday he said he is trying to find the reason we are together and all he can come up with is our children, but he knows there was a reason he fell in love with me, but isn't knowing what it is now..

He says in the begining we were very imtimate and did a lot of things together, as life happened that stopped...

It is very hard...I am going to continue to show him I can change and hope that he can accept that and realize why he fell in love with me...He said he still has hopes things can change, but he is running on fumes...It isn't "too late" yet, but I think if we hadn't started therapy the day we did then the next day may have been too late...

I pray he can get past this and we can re-build a stronger marriage, but he is going to have to let his gaurd down. I know he is emotionally exhausted from trying for 4 years, but if it is giong to work he has to put some effort in...He says he feel indifferent, which I know is not a good emotion... :/ BLA...

After theray yesterday we went to dinner and then watched the Tiger's game together, but when I woke up I felt anxious. I almost feel find after therapy, but after I have time to process it I get sad and discouraged...


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Thanks AS30. He wants you to spend more time with him doing the things he finds interesting? Was he asking for sex and you were rejecting him? Or does he want you to initiate more? 

Has the therapy helped so far?


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## Nomads (Oct 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear about your problem. One thing I must say that you are a lucky woman and wife, I hardly see any man/husband willing to share his feeling and situation the way your husband is. On top of that, he is willing 4counselling.

As outsider, I assume he has lots of love for you (and family) and you do have hope. Please, be patient and would love to hear about the progress. Good luck for you and the husband.
PS: Have you ever travelling together just the two of you? Away, far far away from your day to day life/routine, let say more than a week?


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