# Torn



## 2212 (Jun 17, 2018)

I am 39, husband 28. Married 4 years, together 6. We are in a near sexless marriage by his choice. His is a very active porn viewer, maturbator, etc. So he indeed thinks of sex often, I have seen his web history - he thinks of it VERY often - obviously just not with me. 

We have discussed it a lot, I have brought up and he has read 'your brain on porn' and I told him tonight he needs to get his face out of the porn for a while. His reply was 'then you need to give me something to look at!' meaning I don't 'dress up' enough for him, I wear sweats & PJs around the house, etc. I am NOT over weight, never have been. 

Our relationship is suffering because of this, I am considering divorce. I need to feel wanted. I can shower and them lotion in front of him and he will not get hard. 

Other than sex, we are best of friends, blah blah. I honestly don't know how I can live without him. I cannot picture my life without him. 

But on the other hand, I cannot picture my life continuing on feeling the way I feel, with my self esteem being drug thru the mud on a daily basis, it's literally ripping my heart out.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You could dress up like a sex kitten 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, swing from the chandeliers, cater to his every fantasy and he'd *still* jack off to porn. 

Tell him to come up with something a little more original than that nonsense.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Let me understand this he has a very willling partner but chooses porn over real sex.....okay so let's start at the beginning...did he do porn before you met him? If not when did it take over his life?

Some men are dumb as post nails.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you marry him knowing this? If so then why? 
I would not marry a man who acted this way, he is treating you appallingly, but not sure why you thought he was going to change? 

Give him a choice, you or the porn, and accept his answer. He isn't going to stop unless he has to. Maybe it will be the thought of losing his marriage, but maybe even then he will chose porn. Nothing will ever change unless he realises that he is cheating with all these women, and the terrible damage he is doing to you and the marriage. Porn use is cited in 60% of all divorces now.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

As one of the leading anti-porn posters here, I'd like to point out...LOOK, another marriage being destroyed.

Now I'll sit back and await the usual responses:

- wife aint working hard enough in the bedroom
- why is wife so insecure and not accepting of hubbys needs
- what did wife do to make hubby resentful
- check hubby for lowT. 

Oh and the most popular: we hate the religious and anyone who dares call porn bad, unhealthy, or immoral.

Seriously now OP, let me know if hubby wants treatment for his illness... Myself or an internet search can guide him to recovery from porn addiction. Don't be too hard on him, this modern epidemic plagues nearly all internet connected men, sadly.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Lazy. not marriage material. Man boys.

That's what I call guys who ignore sincere, willing wives.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

First, he's far too young for you. Second if porn takes away from his attention and affection towards you it is a problem. The biggest problem is his maturity level. Explain to him in clear simple terms your sexual needs are not being met.


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## 2213 (Jun 17, 2018)

I had to make a new account as I never verified my email & that email got locked up, sorry. 

He's not immature or I wouldn't have married him. 
Maybe he's immature in this department but that's about all I can say. He was very inexperienced when we got together and I figured if anything - that would be a good thing?? I guess I was wrong. 

The comment about me giving him something to look at instead of the porn really felt like a knife in the gut. That's what really dug in deep. 

Yes, I married him knowing this, yes it was completely moronic of me. I hoped that in time things would get better - they've actually gotten worse the more we talk about it. I am not shy in expressing my thoughts and feelings about it - I came here to get more ideas to share or advice on whether or not I should leave. I am beginning to think it is hopeless.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Responses in bold below




2213 said:


> He's not immature or I wouldn't have married him.
> Maybe he's immature in this department but that's about all I can say.
> 
> * He may not be immature in the sense that he can't balance a checkbook or can't be trusted to change to the oil in the car and pay the insurance bill on time.
> ...


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Haven't we all been wounded by hurtful comments? Not the issue. I think if hubby would agree that he has a problem, it could be fixed. If he's the type that thinks violating his wedding vows is OK (I.e "it's my body and you can't control me"), then yeah, pretty hopeless.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have to share a personal anecdote of mine that is somewhat relevant to this scenario. 

When I was 22 (roughly the age of the H in this scenario when they first started seeing each other) I was a scrawny, geeky, nerd-boy with so sense of style or "Game" whatsoever. 

I had had a couple teenaged GFs in the past and a couple hook ups with girls my own age in the past so I wasn't exactly a virgin per se; but I was pretty inexperienced and geeky in general. 

At 22 I met and tumbled head over heels into a hot and heavy LTR with a 26 year old woman who was much more worldly and experienced in life than I was. 

I'll be honest, initially I thought I had hit one out of the ballpark and thought I must have been quite the stud-boy to have landed a mature woman like her. 

She taught me a lot in bed and gave me a lot of sexual confidence. she polished me up and got me a lot more stylish and presentable. She was very outgoing and extroverted and got me out of the house and socializing with other people and even gave me some serious pushes to develop myself educationally and in my career. 

In many ways she transformed me into the perfect boyfriend and ultimately the perfect husband................

.............. for younger, hotter women. 


By the time I was a few years older and in my mid-upper 20s, I was catching the eyes of younger, prettier, sexier women and in time, that draw towards women of their mid 20s was too much for me to resist anymore. 

Is it fair?? No, probably not. Is it a dark facet of humanity? probably. 

But it is the natural order. 

There was something out of kilter with a 33 year old woman and a 22 year old getting together and entering a LTR and marriage. 

I have my MILF (and now GILF) sexual fantasies as much as the next guy, and it was probably great for both the 22 year old man and the 33 year old woman to hook up and have some hot MILF sex. 

Both his friends and her friends were likely jealous of their initial sexual encounters.......but trying to take it into the marriage realm was likely not a wise, long-term choice.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> IShe taught me a lot in bed and gave me a lot of sexual confidence. she polished me up and got me a lot more stylish and presentable. She was very outgoing and extroverted and got me out of the house and socializing with other people and even gave me some serious pushes to develop myself educationally and in my career.
> 
> In many ways she transformed me into the perfect boyfriend and ultimately the perfect husband................
> 
> ...



Now I should clarify before you all think I am the world's biggest jerk - she was the one that dumped me. I did not leave her for a younger woman. 

We had been having issues for some time as she was hitting 30 and was getting hell-bent on settling down into marriage/kids etc and I just wasn't feeling it. 

She was growing increasingly frustrated with me (in a way like the OP with her younger H) and when the ax came down she left me --------- for another woman. 

It was obviously never meant to be.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

2213,

Not hopeless but it will be an uphill struggle, but here is the thing...you can not carry this marriage on your own, nor can you fix it on your own he has to be willing to work with you and get professional help. You may want to try small steps....with him. You need to replace his need for porn while at the same time build a bonding experience together. I won't lie it will take a lot of work on your part....I would start in the mornings, if he is normal average male he will wake up with wood, the more you deny his need for masturbation the more he will look to you....start massaging him in the morning, and mix it up....he, bj, full sex..


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> As one of the leading anti-porn posters here, I'd like to point out...LOOK, another marriage being destroyed.
> 
> Now I'll sit back and await the usual responses:
> 
> ...


Don't ever let an opportunity go by to use another's challenge as a springboard for you to go rant further on your crusade.

You'd have more credibility if you were to go straight to trying to help the OP rather than tossing a halfhearted equivocal bit of advice at the end of your post who's real purpose was to preach rather than to help. 

If you want to preach your position on porn, you are always free to start your own thread.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Stick a fork in the marriage 2212, its done. Like Oldshirt said, in a man's early twenties, a older "experienced" woman is pretty hot. When that twenty something male marries that mature woman, that heat is quenched after a few years like a blacksmith quenching red hot metal. Just divorce this cat and look for someone closer to your age or perhaps a little older. If you think its bad now, wait until your 60 and your old man is 49 looking at 35 year old chicks. Alas, by then he'll have rode off into the sunset.
Hey, you wanted to be cougar sporting around with a younger guy. I may give you some solace to view it that he is now where you were then.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@2212 @2213

Does your husband reciprocally state you are his best friend?

Does he hold resentment towards you?

Is your husband assertive?

Is your husband passive?

Is your husband, doing this to punish you?

Do you mother your husband?

Are you both equal in your relationship together?

Do you fight often?

How long has he refused to have sex with you?

Instead of wearing sweats and PJs around the house, have you attempted to wear more appealing apparel?

What was happening between, you both when you noticed he no longer wanted to have sex with you?

If this has been going on for a long time, why have you not cut your losses and dumped him earlier?

Was your relationship dynamic equal when it started, bearing in mind the significant age difference between you both with him being much younger?

Do you really want to keep this relationship going?

Personally I wouldn't humour any sexual relationship sans sex for very long at all. That said if you want to press on, you would do well to see what can be changed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

2213 said:


> I had to make a new account as I never verified my email & that email got locked up, sorry.
> 
> He's not immature or I wouldn't have married him.
> Maybe he's immature in this department but that's about all I can say. He was very inexperienced when we got together and I figured if anything - that would be a good thing?? I guess I was wrong.
> ...


That's why you can give him the choice. Either he stops, you both install porn blockers on his phone and computer,
you both go to MC, or he carries on and you end the marriage. I know a lady who did that after a long marriage to a man who used porn regularly. Guess what, when he KNEW she was serious, he stopped. You have to mean it though. If you do nothing he wont stop.


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## sally117 (Jul 12, 2017)

Evidently I have yet another account.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> 2213,
> . You need to replace his need for porn while at the same time build a bonding experience together. I won't lie it will take a lot of work on your part....I would start in the mornings, if he is normal average male he will wake up with wood, the more you deny his need for masturbation the more he will look to you....start massaging him in the morning, and mix it up....he, bj, full sex..


That stuff may work with a normal, healthy guy that's in love with and attracted to his wife.

But we are not dealing with that here.

A middle aged woman telling a young man not to spank is going to be as alluring as a catholic mother telling her son that masturbation is the devil's curse that will make him go blind and give him hairy palms.

He will desire her as much as his castrating mother after that. 

Yes, his porn use is a problem and a detriment to their relationship. And it's something he will need to rectify before entering into any other relationships. 

But for someone old enough to be his aunt to lecture him on his masturbation issues is not going to go well. 

This is not a healthy relationship to begin with. Standard seduction techniques are not likely to succeed.


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## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

Having friends who have been in your situation I would say there's not much you can do to, if he won't change you'll have to live with it or leave him.
I found out a couple of years after one of my friends ex's was dumped again over porn by is current gf.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Op, it sounds like your husband is not in love with you and is seeing you for your age without "love goggles". I don't think this is a battle you will win but hope that I a wrong and you two can find success if it is possible.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> This is not a healthy relationship to begin with. Standard seduction techniques are not likely to succeed.


True. Even if it does work, it will be for days or a few weeks at most. But give it a best case scenario. Suppose the counseling and Victoria Secrets clothes work for five years and he's in his early thirties and she's forty-four with problems that can't be exercised away. We talk about the casualty rate of older men with much younger chicks competing against men more the chicks age. You get the picture.

I've always proffered that when a woman loses interest in a man, it never returns with significant vigor. 2012, you had your fun with the sports convertible. Its time to move on to a full size sedan or suv and let him find a younger chick with quicker reflexes.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

His ideals and reality of sex are pretty skewed if he watches porn as often as you say. If you have access to his history you can also see what kind of stuff he is into... It might be a little shocking.

He wont be able to quit just because you told him to... ESPECIALLY if he is already playing the victim card "but you dont dress sexy"

I can say this though... My wife does have PJ's that are not sexy at all and I call them "shrinkers" and she stopped wearing them... So theres PJ's that are anti-sexy.

Also, my wife showering and lotioning herself up does not necessarily turn me on. Its more of a cleaning/maintenance ritual and just does nothing for me. Its different than her squeezing her breasts together in the shower and asking me to join her (instead of washing her armpits with soap and expecting me to get a hard on) 

The threat of divorce might wake him up to some action... Right now he is so far down the rabbit hole that it will take a while to see you as a sexual, attractive being. For all we know, he could be into midgets having sex ontop of ponies... goodluck replicating that


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Does he believe he has a problem and want to change, or does he think it is OK?


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## His_Response (Jun 14, 2018)

2212...


I wish I could say something encouraging. My situation with my wife's (previous) lack of interest in sex was rooted in a medical issue; once we had that resolved, her interest in sex came back and things have been great since. If she had been watching porn and masturbating during those years I think our marriage would have ended... there's no way I would have been able to think of her as anything but selfish if that had been the case. 

From your description it sounds like your husband is just that... selfish. The 'give me something to look at' comment... I'm shaking my head. If MY wife were to shower and lotion in front of me, I'd be dragging her to the floor/countertop/bed/nearest-handy-surface and ... yeah, fill in the rest. 

And it's not you. If a marriage is healthy, and two people really love each other, you shouldn't have to be asking... the fact that you keep yourself in good shape is a bonus, but even that isn't all that important. I know the pain of what you're going through (neglect-wise)... if he doesn't wake up he's going to lose you.


-H.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

CatholicDad said:


> As one of the leading anti-porn posters here, I'd like to point out...LOOK, another marriage being destroyed.
> 
> Now I'll sit back and await the usual responses:
> 
> ...


While I agree with some of the points here, I don't agree with all of them. There's nothing wrong with watching porn occasionally, but it's a problem when it takes the place of real life. Have you tried watching it with him sometimes? He does sound like a bit of an addict; did you know this before you married him? If so, this should've been solved before marriage or you shouldn't have married the guy. I would have a serious sit down with him and tell him point blank how this makes you feel. He'll either listen and work with you to make some changes, or he will keep on doing what he's doing. Have you told him that you're thinking of separating over this?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> That stuff may work with a normal, healthy guy that's in love with and attracted to his wife.
> 
> But we are not dealing with that here.
> 
> ...


There are loads of relationship with that sort of age gap, 11 years isn't much. She is hardly his mums age. Also he is 28, hardly a boy, a man who should be far more mature than he is.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> There are loads of relationship with that sort of age gap, 11 years isn't much. She is hardly his mums age. Also he is 28, hardly a boy, a man who should be far more mature than he is.


I agree with you.

He is handling this in a very immature manner.

If he has this little of desire and respect for her, he needs to man-up, file for divorce and give her a fair and ammicable settlement so they both can move on and find people more compatible for them.


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