# Wife depressed, has asked for divorce, now will not go through with it



## Nsecure

My wife has been shutting me out (and our kids, and all household responsibility) for a couple of years now. We are fairly well off, but can't afford expensive counseling, so we tried pastoral counseling about a year or so ago. Since that time things have gotten much worse. She has been saying she feels overwhelmed with everything and can't deal with the stress of marriage anymore. In several arguments she has told me she wants a divorce, and that she no longer loves me. Upon hearing this I approach her calmly and plead with her to reconsider but she says nothing. We have been living completely separate lives for a year and I decided I've had enough. HOWEVER, after taking the painful steps to gather up and fill out original declaration of divorce with children, she has had a SUDDEN change of heart. She now says she never intended for it to go this far and doesn't want a divorce. She's now angry with me that I have come to terms with it and am ready to move on. Now she wants to patch things up and work on our marriage. We have been married for 17 years and have 3 children ... I have been making the argument for a couple of years now that this is a precious thing that is worth working on. But after so much pain and heartache I reached a point where I couldn't take anymore. Now I feel like a jerk because she has had a sudden change of heart, making me the one who is "breaking up the family". She tells me she was just depressed and didn't know what to do and that she now regrets even mentioning divorce because that isn't what she wants. I'm conflicted because I feel as if I have been forced to deal with this, I've emotionally moved on and am ready to proceed with the divorce, but I've been asking for her change of heart for over a year - I just feel as if I have gone too far to come back. I have no idea what to do - neither road is going to be easy and will be filled with pain, but I'm not sure I can go back since my marriage has brought me nothing but heartache for over a year.


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## NotLikeYou

Nsecure- What you do is of course your choice. From your post, it sounds like your marriage has some problems, but is very fixable. From your name and the things you describe, it sounds like you kind of turned into a doormat in the relationship, which caused your wife to not think very well of you any more. If you are looking for a path forward, you might consider the following:

1) Search this site and Marriage Builders for the 180 set of behaviors. Regardless of whether or not you divorce, I think it would be beneficial for you as a person.

2) Figure out whether or not you want to divorce your wife. If you decide you want to divorce her, then move forward and get on with your life.

3) If you decide that the marriage can be saved, figure out exactly what it will take to save it, from both you and your wife. This is actually a long and complicated question, because you have to really spend some time thinking about what you want out of it. And if you just come up with a list of things your wife has to change, without changing anything about yourself, you will probably end up with a resentment filled wife who wants to divorce YOU, come hell or high water.

4) Once you have gotten item 3 mostly figured out, sit down with your wife and talk things over. Know going in that she probably won't agree to your list of things 100%, so you need to kind of have it broken down into "what I want," versus "what I need." Sex 3 times a day might be what you want, but what you need might be sex once a week.

5) Go surf the website Married Man Sex Life extensively.


*Opinion alert* Your wife was a butthead for trotting out "I want a divorce" as a power play when she didn't really mean it. You don't mention any abuse or infidelity in your post. It sounds like you two have a pretty good life, and with 3 kids between you, that seems worth putting the effort in to maintain and rebuild. If you do divorce, you won't get to see your kids nearly as much as you're used to, and you will be handing over a lot of money in child support (if you're a decent, honorable man). All of you (you, your wife, and your kids) will be worse off than you are now for getting divorced. There are instances where divorce is merited, but this doesn't sound like one of them. And that's my opinion.


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## HerToo

Is there a chance she was/is having an affair? Sorry to ask, but something doesn't sound right. Was she happy on her own until you filed for divorce?

Sorry you're in such a mess.


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## unbelievable

She's at least 37? Probably depression and/or her hormones are out of whack. If she was just displeased with you, a divorce might make sense. Sounds like she's lost interest in everything and that doesn't sound like an affair or a marital problem. Sounds like a medical problem to me. A pastor can't diagnose a medical or a psych problem. Professional help might be costly but it's a lot cheaper than a divorce and you get to keep your family together.


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## Shaggy

There might be another man involved with her. Perhaps that relationship has gone bad and she wants to fall back on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrQuatto

regardless of what you eventually choose, i'd lay it out that if there is any hope of reconciliation, she HAS to be the one doing all the work to prove she wants this. And that, you are going to continue with the divorce proceedings, likely at a slower pace, until YOU are convinced she is serious. 

She could be trying just enough to get you to fold, then back to the wicked witch. Best to be prepared for her NOT to be serious.

Q~


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## Nsecure

Thank you for your replies ...

*NotLikeYou*: I created my screen name a while back when we were having intimacy issues (which were never resolved). At that time I was feeling insecure and yes, at times I have felt like a doormat (I'm also pretty bitter right now though).

Thank you for your opinion, she has been saying the same things herself - ever since I presented her with divorce papers that is. I will go over the Marriage Builders and Married Man Sex Life sites and I appreciate you posting those here, looks to be very helpful. I HAVE reached a point where I am emotionally ready to move on with my life, despite the costs. Now that things have changed I'm not sure if I can bring myself back to the state I was in before, where I wanted to save the marriage and considered it sacred and precious. Also, you raise a good point because I'm a VERY involved dad (friends often refer to me as Mr Mom) so missing the time with my kids could be a welcome break from time-to-time, but would most likely be extremely difficult for me most of the time.

*HerToo & Shaggy*: I have considered and addressed the fact that there may be someone else. She did have a couple of affairs at one point in the past but she has a tendency to be brutally honest about things like that - she doesn't really leave the house at night much and she denies there's anyone else, so I believe her - at this point.

*unbelievable*: She is 35, but she recently said she thinks she was depressed. She asked me to Google "depression and divorce" and said I would find answers there. Admittedly, this does sound like the type of behavior she's exhibited for a while now, but I've repeatedly asked her to seek some sort of counseling if she was having any issues and asked a number of times if she would consent to marriage counseling. She wasn't communicating with me very much and always had an excuse for not seeking any help (I even suggested she come onto this site rather than Facebook for more productive answers). I feel kind of guilty now, like I should have been more supportive if it was depression, but all I saw was her disconnect and her anger towards me.

*Mr Quatto*: I really like your suggestion ... I pretty much have put it to her that way. She is asking for 6 months or so, I told that is prolonging it too much and that I'd give her 3 (more if I am convinced things will get better). But this HAS happened in the past, so you're right - who's to say it won't happen again after she reels me back in? (once again, I'm bitter, sorry)


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## unbelievable

My wife suffers from depression (among other things). It often seems as though she's not "interested" in cooperating with treatment but I have to recognize that an effect of the disease is that she finds it tough to make decisions. Someone who can't find it in themselves to get out of bed, feed themselves, or take care of basic life tasks probably is in no position to formulate or follow a decent action plan regarding major life decisions.


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## NotLikeYou

Nsecure- OUCH! In your followup comment, you bring in the detail that your wife had a couple of affairs in the (hopefully distant) past. This is a huge revelation as far as the inner workings of your relationship.

Unfortunately, it gives you a very solid reason for being emotionally bought out of the relationship, and as you doubtless know, makes a reconciliation that much harder.

I agree with Mr. Quatto's suggestion, which you are already working through at your own pace. It sounds like the infidelities were swept under the rug, rather than addressed and resolved. You mention that your wife was "brutally honest" in revealing them, but I'm not sure "brutal" honesty is the best way to explain infidelity to a betrayed spouse. 

In light of the fact that your wife cheated on you multiple times, and then had the chutzpah to regularly threaten you with divorce, I think you really have the grounds to adopt a very firm stance on your demands in order for the marriage to survive and move forward.

If you read some of the other threads (Coping with Infidelity Forum) you will find a chart that basically lists out "rug sweeping" behaviors versus behaviors that show true remorse. Or maybe another reader will post it in this thread for you (sorry I don't have it handy  )It provides excellent structure to gauge whether or not your wife is acknowledging how badly she screwed up or not.

Your wife sounds like a very foolish woman. If you decide to keep her, she should consider herself the luckiest gal in the world, and act accordingly.


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## Ten_year_hubby

I experienced a similar situation myself. I attribute everything that happened to either hormonally induced mental instability or satanic possession or both, along with a lot of bad advice from a lot of not so well meaning friends and family and an epidemic of anti male sympathies.

With a lot of help, I have managed to get myself to the point of forgiving her for mostly all of this, no questions asked. I just basically let it all go. I also have three kids and I'm just not going to leave or throw their mom out no matter how I feel about what has happened.


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