# When to tell my kids



## yesterday35 (Jun 27, 2014)

I haven't posted here in a long while. Last I time I was posting to the "infidelity" subject. That was ~5 years ago. She cheated. We worked in therapy for years. We tried to mend. We did not. I cheated. Marriage over.

My kids (18 and 15 years old) do not know that my wife cheated. In fact, she claims to this day that she did not, but admits to lying to me about a relationship with another man, a man who was her first love and she thought she would marry. She was in contact with him for 6 months without my knowledge and then when I found out and confronted her she lied about the frequency of communication. Over the next 6 months I stumbled upon more info...phone records, texts, emails, etc. So the lies continued.

Earlier this year I fell in love with another woman. We now live together.

5 weeks ago, and on the advice of our marriage therapist, I told my children that we were getting a divorce and I left the house. I admitted to my affair a week before that and answered all their questions honestly.

I have not seen my kids in 5 weeks. We are very, very close, but they have stopped talking to me. My STBXW will not cooperate with letting me go to the house because it will cause "emotional distress". I understand and respect this, BUT...

Now I am feeling like I am being unfairly held responsible for the failed marriage. When should I tell my side of the story to my kids?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As soon as you can.. why do you let your wife be the traffic cop on when you see your children?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're responsible for what you did - namely, cheating on your wife. You can't pin that on her - the fact she cheated years ago has nothing to do with your choice. Ideally your wife should tell her side of things truthfully to your kids, but if I were you I wouldn't tell them any more than you have evidence that has satisfied you that she has told many lies in the past, and leave it at that. If you accuse her of cheating first you're going to come off as a jerk and your wife will just deny it.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Give her the option to tell the children about her ordeal with you present. If she refuses then tell her that you will give the children the evidence.*


You need to be honest and pay the consequenses for your failures and she needs to do the same.


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## yesterday35 (Jun 27, 2014)

*Re: When to tell my kids - UPDATE*

I called the STBXW today and told her I was thinking about telling the kids my side of the story. She said "we knew you were going to do this" and with the kids preempted my side of the story with her own. She also told me the OM agreed to provide a sworn statement indicating that he did not have an affair with my wife. Laughable...

If all true, seems a bit odd that she would proactively go to these lengths if she had done nothing inappropriate with the OM as she continues to claim...

Thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: When to tell my kids - UPDATE*



yesterday35 said:


> I called the STBXW today and told her I was thinking about telling the kids my side of the story. She said "we knew you were going to do this" and with the kids preempted my side of the story with her own. She also told me the OM agreed to provide a sworn statement indicating that he did not have an affair with my wife. Laughable...
> 
> If all true, seems a bit odd that she would proactively go to these lengths if she had done nothing inappropriate with the OM as she continues to claim...
> 
> Thoughts?


If a person was innocent but still accused they would go to great lengths to prove their innocence.

What evidence do you have that she had an affair?


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Your kids are older. Read up on HOW to tell them. Saying BUT MOM DID IT TOO, GUYS! might backfire on you.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Just give up on trying to be right. If you want to argue that point do it with your STBX. Bottom line is you are cheating and moved out . You can try to pin some of that back on your STBX, but really. What good does that do? You are better off taking ownership over leaving and focus on demonstrating that you love them.

Focus on setting up a visitation schedule with the kids. Get a court order if you have to. If your kids are mad at you for leaving, just tell them you are sorry. You love them and want to be a part of their life. Tell them the marriage has been strained for a while, that you should have divorced prior to meeting this OW, and that you are sorry for the distress this causes them. 

Do not ask them to spend or even meet OW at this time. Take them out for dinner, or away for a weekend. 

Keep in mind when you attack mom they will defend her . Do not pull the kids into your battle with your wife. In fact, I recommend only telling the kids the good things about her. If they ask why you are leaving, blame the poor state of the relationship. That the good things about her were not enough given how distant the two of you had become.


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## yesterday35 (Jun 27, 2014)

Folks-

The issue here is that my kids are not speaking to me because they feel like I "ruined everything" and "left the family". *And* the STBXW is also not being honest with our children about a past relationship she lied about to me *and* is not taking any responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage.

My first strategy was to let them work through their emotions and lean on Mom for support because I'm not there (something we both agreed to after taking with a therapist, but not my first choice btw...) BUT now after a month she is singing a different tune...one where this is "all my fault".

I'm not trying to be "right". I know what I know. (If reviewing the blow by blow helps you respond to my *current* situation you can search for my old post user "yesterday").


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I am opting for not telling the kids what Mom was up to.
I understand that her infidelity was five years ago. You tried to work it out, but clearly didn't.
The truth as I believe your kids will see it is "So what" It was so long ago and you chose not to end the marriage then. It will come across as petty.
You can certainly tell them there were other problems in the marriage that caused the relationship to break down, things that both sides contributed to. But calling out Mom after you admitted to the infidelity doesn't seem to be a strategy that will get the results you want.
You want your children to re-connect with you, not disconnect with their mother.
Right now it is horrible, but they are old enough to understand. You will likely win your kids back by being a respectful parent, always be there for them. Reach out, over and over and over.
I'm sorry this is happening, but in the end, actions have consequences. You chose to be unfaithful and you could have just ended the marriage.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Tell them the truth. Your original post sounds good to me. It's the truth without bashing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yesterday35 said:


> Folks-
> 
> The issue here is that my kids are not speaking to me because they feel like I "ruined everything" and "left the family". *And* the STBXW is also not being honest with our children about a past relationship she lied about to me *and* is not taking any responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage.
> 
> ...


Why not just move back home and let the kids know that you are not breaking up the family?


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

Don't tell the kids anything. This is called something, just woke up so my mind is fuzzy, but it's where usually moms try to make their kids hate the dad blah blah, and if you're found guilty of doing this, very bad for you.

YOU told your kids you had an affair, so don't pin this on your ex. You also chose to stay when she cheated. You didn't have to. How old are your kids?

If my dad had ever told me that, I'd punch him in the face right there and I'd be pissed enough not to see him for a year. Write a letter to your kids. Phone your kids. Make an effort to want to see them and in time they will come to you.

I don't know what kind of therapist you have, but as a policy of mine, kids don't need the details of anything messy between their parents.

Those poor kids are probably going through a lot. I'd give them as much time as they needed to be pissed off.


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

Your kids are victims of your infidelity. Period. Nothing is going to make them hurt less right now. This is going to take time and effort to heal. You sound like you feel betrayed, but they are the ones with a right to this emotion.

You confessed to infidelity and turned their world upside down. Their parents were still married in their late teens. There is a certain level of romanticism there because they are old enough to realize how lucky they are. To them you were just this guy with integrity that worked hard and loved his family. Now, suddenly, they learn that you are a flawed human when you betray your family and leave them all for greener pastures.

I am not telling you how it is, I am telling you how it looks to them. Hurting their bond with their mother, making them suspicious and doubtful of the constant in their life, is selfish at best.

Go to the courts. Request visitation or court appointed FC. Start working on making the pain better, not worse.


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## yesterday35 (Jun 27, 2014)

Thanks for the feedback. Good stuff.

I'm comfortable with my choices and the consequences.

It was better to leave now than 5 years ago, for them too.

I miss them so much that I would do almost anything to win them back, but I won't trash their mom. That was never the plan anyway...just to tell them that I've been hurt by her actions in the past and couldn't get over that and no longer feel close to her. Some of that they have already heard.


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