# Depressed after WH's EA - need advice



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

On 12/29/14 I found out that my husband had an EA with one of his coworkers. We had been fighting quite a bit leading up to my discovery, mostly due to the fact that he took the OW on a shooting date the day after Christmas and didn't tell me it was just the two of them until after he got home. I found out about the EA by reading his emails - they had been in increasingly frequent contact since summer 2014. He pursued her and their emails were flirtatious and increasingly sexual. They talked trash about their significant others (she was living with her boyfriend at the time) and sent each other many compliments. The worst for me was how my husband wrote to the OW - very supportive, kind, and encouraging - all the things I wanted from him but had not been getting.

We went to MC and I learned how to communicate better. Our sessions focused exclusively on my job and how negative I am because of it. I work at an esteemed university and have a high-stress position. We didn't really discuss the EA because, at the time, both WH and I blamed myself and my actions for the whole mess. You see, for two years I detached from WH. I did not love him the right way.

Over this timeframe WH has become more involved in fitness and races. Today he is gone all day to volunteer for an event. I knew this was happening and asked him to set up a babysitter so I could do my second job this morning. I teach music lessons on weekends. He did not take care of his and I had to cancel - we have a 2 year old and 5 year old so they need to be supervised.

I was upset last night because it feels like what's important to me is not important to my husband. We talked about it, and our discussion came back to the fact that I did not love him the right way for two years. Basically, it's all my fault.

I need some advice. I feel absolutely awful. There are days I want to drive into a tree to save my husband and my kids the misery of dealing with me every day. The OW is now my youngest son's preschool teacher and I am afraid to go to the daycare in case I see her there. My WH still works with her on occasion. When I talk to him about this, he apologizes but that is it.

I am incredibly depressed and need to know if I am overreacting; if what I feel is normal or abnormal; and if there is something I can say to WH to make him understand that, yes, I did detach for a few years, but I've recommitted over the past eight months and need him to recommit as well. 

Thanks for reading this.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

> There are days I want to drive into a tree to save my husband and my kids the misery of dealing with me every day.



This is rather concerning and this, IMO, takes precedence over anything else going on. Depression keeps you from thinking clearly, from behaving as your normally would, and distorts all perception by funneling it through a very negative filter.

When you were in marriage counseling, did the counselor ever suggest individual therapy for you? If not, it should have been suggested. At this point, it is imperative!

You know how the flight attendants make that safety speech preflight and they tell parents to place the mask over their heads first and then tend to the masks for their children? This is because if a parent is unconscious from lack of oxygen they cannot save their child. If you aren't tending to yourself and getting healthy, you cannot tend to your marriage. Please get into therapy ASAP!

It must hurt tremendously that the other woman is your child's preschool teacher. This is a very bad daily trigger. How did this come to be? Did you know she worked there before you enrolled your child? Was she hired after you enrolled? If she was hired after you enrolled tell the director this teach had an emotional affair with your husband and you don't want to see her or have her have any contact what so ever with your children. At the same time, look around for another preschool for your child. 

But first make some calls and get yourself into therapy.


----------



## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

How do you know it was just an EA? Usually when they're in physical contact it's a PA, and you know they were together a number of times.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

warshaw said:


> How do you know it was just an EA? Usually when they're in physical contact it's a PA, and you know they were together a number of times.


The OP is seriously depressed with thoughts of suicide! I really think this line of inquiry is not only NOT helpful but dangerous.

For right now, it doesn't matter what went on between them. For right now, the only thing that matters is getting help for her depression.


----------



## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

First get some individual counseling ASAP!! Also know that the state of the marriage is 50/50, but his decision to cheat is 110% on him. Secondly why is your child in preschool with the OW? Get him out tomorrow, also report her to the school as the reason why your withdrawing your child. 

Your depression is a result of your husband's affair. I know it hurts, believe me, I know. But don't take your life over some skank. Reclaim your role as a mother, be the best mom you can be. There is light at the end of the tunnel. 

You should also look for an experienced marriage counselor who deals with infidelity and tell your husband you both need to go. It sounds like you both live fairly independent lives and will need help reconnecting.

ETA: you say you disconnected over the past two years, you also have a two year old, there is a good chance you suffered from post partum depression, and probably still are. If you need, take leave from work, but get help soon.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

1-800-273-8255

Lifeline

OP, get help for your depression please.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

deepdarkplace said:


> We went to MC and I learned how to communicate better. Our sessions focused exclusively on my job and how negative I am because of it.
> 
> I did not love him the right way.
> 
> ...


EVERYTHING you just said is wrong, all wrong. And boy, did he pull the wool over your eyes. NONE of this is your fault. HE chose to cheat and I guarantee you it was physical.

You need to be seeing a psychologist. By yourself. Every week. He has manipulated you to the moon and back and you just lapped it up and accepted blame for EVERYTHING. That's insane.

Find a good psychologist and book an appointment NOW.


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

WH came home late last night, drunk, and was pissed off that I was upset with him. He asked me for oral sex too. I still feel like garbage.


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Deepdarkplace-

I recognize the wanting to drive into a tree feeling. I think it is very representative of a certain type of depression. After I turned 40 I began to feel like that everyday. I used to drive home from work and think about what it would feel like to drive into a brick wall. It is a very specific feeling. I also detached from my H and kids. It was also a couple of years after my third child was born. The dr prescribed effexor. I took it for a year and a half but it made me feel numb and flat not to mention shutting down libido completely. After I tapered off of the effexor I was ok until I went into surgical menopause. 

This time I did research on my own- and asked to be put on Wellbutrin (not the generic form-it doesn't work)
It has made a world of difference. It has given me the ability to feel pleasure again- from social activities, from work, from my family and from physical touch. This has made a world of difference along with IC and MC to deal with my H's EA/PA. Although it has been a struggle, I mostly can see a light at the end of the tunnel. It gave me the motivation to improve myself and to work on saving our marriage.

Keep posting and getting support from the very wise posters on TAM. You did not cause your H to have an A. It was his choice.

You can choose to help yourself get out of this deep dark place. I wasted too many years not recognizing what was wrong or understanding how to fix it.

Please go asap to get a drs advice - if wellbutrin is a suitable option for you I would highly recommend it. 

I will be looking forward to hearing that you are taking the next step.
You can do it!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you finding a therapist this morning?


----------



## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

deepdarkplace said:


> WH came home late last night, drunk, and was pissed off that I was upset with him. He asked me for oral sex too. I still feel like garbage.


I hope you handed him a jar of lube and told him to help himself.


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

I'm looking for a counselor now. My employer offers a free program which we used back in January. I'm feeling hopeless--it's like WH has no idea how deep my despair is. He is blaming me because he can't bear to blame himself. Is this normal? I feel like a bad person but what did I do wrong?


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You did nothing to merit him cheating. He owns it all. Sometimes left behind spouses accept blame because if they caused it then they can fix it...No Way!

Get on meds ASAP because they take a couple of weeks to kick in. 

Your marriage may not have been perfect but he broke vows not you. He needed to leave one relationship before embarking on another.

Selfish, selfish man. Don't give any head without protection. No sex without condoms either. His affair is physical; so better safe than sorry. Talk to a lawyer. 

Think about your children and the type of father they have right before you think about killing yourself. Your kids need a sane parent and not a selfish jerk (you being the sane parent and him being the jerk).

(((Hugs))))) remember we are here to help you through this horrific time.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

deepdarkplace said:


> I'm looking for a counselor now. My employer offers a free program which we used back in January. I'm feeling hopeless--it's like WH has no idea how deep my despair is. He is blaming me because he can't bear to blame himself. Is this normal? I feel like a bad person but what did I do wrong?


Well done for beginning your search for a therapist! I know that can sometimes feel like climbing a mountain all by itself! Your goal is to get an appointment and go. That's all.

It's very hard to see emotional despair when your eye refuse to look at reality. Your husband isn't looking at reality. He is not behaving with your best interests in mind right now. That means that YOU have to behave with YOUR best interests no matter what he says or does, or doesn't say or do. Right now, you will be best served by turning away from him and focusing on getting yourself to a healthier place.

Some people can never look at themselves and see their own folly. Your husband may be one of them. 

Keep posting, keep writing.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You WH is 100% responsible for the affair regardless of the state of your marriage.
The advice to get professional help here is essential. Do that first and do not worry about him for the moment. He is a self centred POS to allow you to shoulder the blame for his awful behaviour in the first place. Do the 180 on him and get help for yourself.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The affair he had? Guess what? Your MC was filled with weasel droppings!

It was NOT your fault at all.

You need counselling for yourself and better marriage counselling from someone who understands infidelity and its destructive powers.

Keep reading and posting on TAM, we will be here for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You did nothing wrong!

And please do start seeing that therapist! This week!


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

deepdarkplace said:


> On 12/29/14 I found out that my husband had an EA with one of his coworkers. We had been fighting quite a bit leading up to my discovery, mostly due to the fact that he took the OW on a shooting date the day after Christmas and didn't tell me it was just the two of them until after he got home. I found out about the EA by reading his emails - they had been in increasingly frequent contact since summer 2014. He pursued her and their emails were flirtatious and increasingly sexual. They talked trash about their significant others (she was living with her boyfriend at the time) and sent each other many compliments. The worst for me was how my husband wrote to the OW - very supportive, kind, and encouraging - all the things I wanted from him but had not been getting.
> 
> We went to MC and I learned how to communicate better. Our sessions focused exclusively on my job and how negative I am because of it. I work at an esteemed university and have a high-stress position. We didn't really discuss the EA because, at the time, both WH and I blamed myself and my actions for the whole mess. You see, for two years I detached from WH. I did not love him the right way.
> 
> ...


Dear deepdarkplace,

You are the victim of a wayward husband and a very bad marriage counselor.

Whatever was wrong in your marriage, there is no justification for his EA. That is entirely on him and you need to let go of any guilt you feel about it.

As for the marriage counselor, unfortunately there is an epidemic of those who somehow think that infidelity should be handled by ignoring it and that betrayed spouses should be blamed for the cheating spouse's behavior in or to heal the cheating spouse. Yes, it's ass-backwards and crazy, but that's what happens a lot. You need to forget everything the marriage counselor advised and start over.

As others have said, first get help for your depression and suicidal thoughts. Once, your emotions are under control, find an individual counselor who is sensitive to the harm that betrayal inflicts on the betrayed spouse. When you begin to believe that what happened was the fault of your wayward husband and only your wayward husband, and to think clearly about what your options are (including divorce), then and only then can you start to think about trying to fix your marriage.

But, first, get help.


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

We are going to a counselor on Tuesday. This person comes recommended to me by a friend. I set this up yesterday and think I took my H by surprise. He texted me this morning to say "I'm sorry for everything. I know you are unhappy. I am trying to be a better man." 

I'm taking this as a good sign-- that he loves me and does not want to lose me. The MC session next week is an opportunity to put all of my feelings, hopes, and fears on the table in a safe setting. Wish me luck. 

My H said he would take me out this weekend. Our kids are sleeping over their grandparents' house so we have a date night. I will keep you posted. 

Thanks for your support. I know I'm not crazy.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No matter WHAT he does, YOU go to that appointment. Got that?


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

I'm going no matter what.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Wow, the way you describe your reaction to his EA and your depression sounds like how many men feel.

I will repeat what many have told you - any type of affiar is solely the responsability of him. There are no buts.

Second he needs to learn what the word empathy means and live it. You do not have a healthy marriage without it. Please accept that as gospel. So many things you said about him make my blood run cold. If I knew him, I would be in face about how could HE allow that ***** to teach his child. What is he an idot? Do people like him really exists. I know they do, but I am always stunned when I meet one. Some poster will talk about shyt tests, his failure to react to the teaching situation is a deal breaker. The fact you have to mention it is a deal breaker.

Look he and I are guys, so yes sometimes the best approach and only approach to get our full attention is a come to Jesus its 2x4 time. Sometimes i think my best redeeming quality is you only need to hit me twice to understand this is a bedrock time. I actually don't get mad or offend at this, if it is really a bedrock issue.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Ps when using a 2x4 be sure he understands that the underlining issue is not a deal breaker YET. It is instead an either or proposition. Listen, learn, become or get OUT.

(sigh) it does make life so much simpler for us. I do like simple, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, asparagus (hey I am a modern guy) and apple pie.


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

I did tell him that I wanted him (H) to find a new job. He was devastated but somewhat agreeable. Now he's applied for a full time job in the class next door to the OW. I did tell H I wanted our son in another center; however, where he goes is the absolute best in the area without comparison. He's been there for over a year now. 

I just had a dream about priorities. I was chasing my H and he kept telling me to go away. He was busy with other more important things--texting, beer, his friends, etc. in real life my H saw my crying and asked what was wrong then gave me a hug. 

You can't escape this even in your dreams.


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

I agree with you - he does not hold much empathy for me in his heart. He feels so cold and distant, but shouldn't I be the one with the right to be cold and distant? I never went to anyone else to connect. I feel so alone and isolated, so worthless and unnecessary.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The fact that you WEREN'T the cold distant one is why he now feels entitled to treat you like garbage. We teach people how to treat us. You showed him you'll let him do it with few consequences so even if he considered treating you better to make up for what he did, he has since decided he doesn't need to. You're still there, aren't you?


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> The fact that you WEREN'T the cold distant one is why he now feels entitled to treat you like garbage. We teach people how to treat us. You showed him you'll let him do it with few consequences so even if he considered treating you better to make up for what he did, he has since decided he doesn't need to. You're still there, aren't you?


Turnera is spot on


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

Yes, I am still here. I can't bring myself to leave, yet. He found out today that he will not be hired into the job he wants. I fully expect distant, depressed, anxious H to come home from work soon. I want to be supportive but I can't participate in this anymore. We are going to the counselor on Tuesday. I have to be honest. I have to call him on his poor treatment of me. The problem is that he is master of words when we are together. I lose all my nerve when I see his reactions. I am so nervous to see him tonight. I want to disappear.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would like to posit that your H is not a total "POS" as some here have said. We men are by nature not overly nurturing and seemingly somewhat selfish and entitled feeling, thinking that women "owe us" for being the big strong man. When you detached from him he probably thought,arrogantly, that he would find what he wasn't getting from you. Enter the OW. I agree that your counselor was incompetent for not assigning your H's EA entirely to him. The faults in the marriage were partly yours but the way he handled it, with an EA, was all about him. Any counselor worth his salt would have called him out on it and forced him to accept responsibility for his behavior, dealt with that and THEN counseled you two about the marital problems. It was not your fault. Even if you were not "loving him the right way", to choose to engage in an A was totally wrong of him.

Understand that your job as mother is the most important career you will ever have and that they need you very much. Whenever the thought of driving into a tree enters your mind just think of your children, their love for you and yours for them. Also, I would be encouraged that your H is now apologetic for how you feel and willing to go to counseling and work on the marriage. Do not despair prematurely. Allow the new therapist the opportunity to right the other counselor's wrong and your H the chance to prove his feelings for you. You will then be able to heal as your H accepts the EA as all his and you begin to realize that you can fix what you were not putting into the marriage but your H has to fix himself likewise. It is not on you to fix him. You must be the best W you can be but so also must he be the best H and that is his issue to correct, not yours.

Whatever happens be sure the new counselor makes your H face his accountability for his EA and do not allow the blame to be shifted to you. You allowed yourself to accept the blame before because your H "could not face it". Well face it he must, do not accept blame for something you did not do. Be encouraged, the future is not as bleak as your mind is perceiving it currently. I wish you good fortune.


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

This helps me a lot. Thank you NoChoice. Now, how do I survive the weekend?


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Because you are stronger inside than you realize and you will survive, for your children, for yoursel and for the future marriage that you two will build together with the right counselor. Marriage is a dynamic, growing entity unto itself. You will look back on this and be proud of not only how you survived but how strong you really were. You may surprise yourself.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You feel like your husband can talk circles around you, like he says things and your brain goes numb but later you think of things to say only its too late? Lots of people are like this, and it's gets worse the more stressed you are. My husband is this way too and I had to learn to recognize when I was steamrolling over him and give him space and time to think before expecting a reply. It's okay for you to say "hold it, I can't think right now. Give me an hour to calm and think and I will come back to this."

If that fails, write a letter to him. Tell him everything you feel, including how hopeless and depressed you feel. Let him read it just before you go into the MC. Tell him not to reply until after the appointment.

Make sure you tell your MC that you've been feeling detached and have had thoughts about driving your car into a tree. I really think you should be seeing your own therapist in addition to your MC. I don't think MC will help you with your feelings of being totally overwhelmed and depressed.

Good for you for getting the appointment set up! I bet that took some courage! And then telling your husband probably took some more courage! These are all very good steps in the right direction. Well done!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

deepdarkplace said:


> This helps me a lot. Thank you NoChoice. Now, how do I survive the weekend?


By making it clear to him that you are just holding on until MC on Tuesday, and if he feels the need to lash out at you in the meantime, you will protect yourself (and the kids) by going for a walk, a drive, a hotel stay. Period. And then do it.


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

NoChoice and AnonPink, thank you. 

I did take a drive earlier tonight. I just went and parked a few minutes from home. After a half hour my H texted me to say "you should come home soon." 

We talked a bit earlier than that about how we both feel hurt. He thinks I don't understand the magnitude of what I did to him over those years I was distant and not a good wife. He told me I broke my marriage vows-to love and to cherish. 

He has a big race on Sunday and I have been planning to go for weeks. Tonight he asked if I wanted to go (code for him not wanting me there), and said he didn't want me to be alone and miserable for a few hours. I take this to mean he doesn't want me there and that he plans to go out with the crew afterward. I feel so heartbroken again. Am I overreacting or over analyzing? It seems selfish and cruel for him to tell me this just days before his race. 

How can I be loving and supportive if he doesn't want me there?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try to remember that you are in a depression. Possibly a really bad one. Therefore what you think and feel is, well, it's possibly not quite logical right now. So try to look at what you're feeling as something you might not be feeling if you weren't depressed.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Perhaps it isn't code for anything. Perhaps he genuinely does not want you alone and miserable. If your marriage is to heal you and he need to be totally honest and then trust that what the other person says is not "code" for anything. Instead of suspecting a coded message try accepting him at his word. Also, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. If you feel that uncomfortable try asking him straight up if he wants you there and why or why not. Remember what happens when we assume.


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

Thanks folks. Yes I realize that I was overreacting in the wee hours of the night. Feeling somewhat better this morning. I do realize how skewed life is to me right now as I struggle to see any value in myself.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

deepdarkplace said:


> He thinks I don't understand the magnitude of what I did to him over those years I was distant and not a good wife. He told me I broke my marriage vows-to love and to cherish.


Here's the questions you need to ask yourself. Were you distant and treated him as a low priority on your thing to do list? Was he on the shelve collecting dust while you were doing your thing? Is yours another case of appreciating what you have until you start to lose it?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

deepdarkplace said:


> Thanks folks. Yes I realize that I was overreacting in the wee hours of the night. Feeling somewhat better this morning. I do realize how skewed life is to me right now as I struggle to see any value in myself.


I consider myself a strong person. When I went through a major depression the thing that I absolutely HATED the most about it was that my perception was slightly off. I took things personally that weren't intended to be that way. I heard slights and cuts that weren't really there. Anything ambiguous was automatically a disguised insult. I hated that. I had to have a safe person to go to who would "talk me down" from seeing the slights and cuts that weren't really there.

Do you have a safe person who can help you do this?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Also don't go by what he says. He can say anything that might give you hope. What matters are the actions he is taking to help repair the relationship. 

Watch what he does. Then you decide what you're going to do... And do it. 

Stop assuming how he'll be and stop fearing how you might have to walk on eggshells. It works because you let it. If he's a grump he's a grump. It has nothing to do with YOU unless you decide it does.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

If she were the "absentee" partner prior to this event, he may simply be keeping his options open until he's sees she what direction she is going to take. Its not unlikely she's his first choice, but if he's going to continue to be low priority to her, if in fact he was, he may not want to settle for that position and in a wait and see mode. Meantime, he's keeping her hooked. I'd do the same thing.


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

Analyzing his actions versus his words is helpful. We were at this race all day yesterday (I have the sunburn to prove it) and he would come up and hug me or reach out to hold my hand. 

Keep in mind, this was an event with thousands of people attending. Whenever he would reach for me I would reach back too. 

I think he has felt that he needed to guard himself against me because of the loneliness he felt when I detached. In truth I never made a conscious decision to stop paying attention or whatever. I had two kids under 4 and a very high stress job. He found affection at work with the OW. He has told me that, when I discovered the emails and completely flipped out and lost my mind, he was surprised at my reaction because he didn't think I still felt that way about him. 

I know I wasn't a great wife and I don't want to make excuses for the way I treated him. I do want him to see and acknowledge everything I've done over the past nine months. I went through a period of self reflection and personal growth. I think I've become a stronger, kinder person. I want that attitude from him now.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remind me: are you two in therapy?


----------



## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

deepdarkplace said:


> Analyzing his actions versus his words is helpful. We were at this race all day yesterday (I have the sunburn to prove it) and he would come up and hug me or reach out to hold my hand.
> 
> Keep in mind, this was an event with thousands of people attending. Whenever he would reach for me I would reach back too.
> 
> ...


Your husband needs to own up to what he did. It sounds like he hasn't. If he doesn't admit to you and to himself that he is the one responsible for what he did, then you will always be disappointed and upset with him. He hasn't come to terms with it. He's still blame-shifting and refusing to face his midnight demons--that is what it sounds like. 

Quit blaming yourself and tell him that it's time he shouldered the responsibility. He may react very badly, but even so, as things stand now it's a false reconciliation, and that will kill you as much as anything else.


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

DDP-yea you!Good for you for scheduling an appointment with a counsellor. Hang on- one more day and then at least you will be able to express yourself in front of him in a supportive environment. I would also make IC a priority. The more you begin to see yourself as having value the more H will recognize it as well. Good luck tomorrow.


----------



## deepdarkplace (Sep 12, 2015)

I am wondering if I should tell the counselor tomorrow what I want to talk about ahead of time?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

deepdarkplace, are you OK? Do you feel like giving an update?


----------

