# Separated & Need Answers



## linnylove (Feb 1, 2012)

Hello everyone! I am new to this site. I came across it while searching for answers to my newly status of being separated. I got married 4 months ago to the man of my dreams, we just bought a home and moved to another surrounding city. Everything was perfect, we had an over a year long engagement and had been dating for almost 2 years prior. He was "the one". 

About 2 weeks ago he came home from work and told me he wanted to get separated and that he would be filing for divorce come July (6 months from January when he claims he had a change of heart to being married). I asked him why and all he could say is that marriage isn't for him and he wanted to be single. I immediately asked if there was someone else. He said no, that he was not a cheater and never could do that to me. He said that he thought things would change after getting married and they didn't so now he would rather be alone.

I am lost, devastated, and embarrassed. I love my husband with my whole heart, and now my life is gone. I left the house for a few days in hopes he would change his mind, but then when I went back and he had moved into another room in our home it hurt me too bad to stay. I was there 3 days without him even acknowledging that I was a person, one of those days being my birthday! So last Sunday I decided enough was enough and I left and packed a bag to go stay at my parents house 30 minutes away and closer to my job. I have been here for over a week and no communication has existed between us. Our mutual friends claim he is going to a few bars but won't talk to anyone about getting counseling or help or working on our marriage. All he says is "I've made my final decision."

What do I do? I want to call him to see how he is, but so many people are telling me I need to give him space and let him miss me. That I need to focus on me and work on my life and if he comes around then he does and if not then he doesn't. I met with a lawyer for my education and protection to understand the in and outs of what possibly is to come. He claims that he is sending me a separation agreement, but that was 2 weeks ago and every day he told me to expect it, I never received it.

I just want my life back and I am trying to remain strong and not needy because every time I would tell him I love him and I want this to work out he would just say I know you do. What should my next move be? Should I call? Should I move back into the house? Or should I do nothing?

Thanks in advance,

Helpless :/


----------



## lady1 (Jan 31, 2012)

What did he think would change when you two got married? It sounded like things were nice before. It is also odd that he won't even talk with you or acknowledge you when you are home. 

For such a drastic change to have happened, there must be something very strange going on with him. Did anything traumatic happen in his life around the time you got married? Have he been married before? Does he have issues with commitment, because of his parents or something from his past? Were there any warning signs before you got married? 

If he were willing to talk with you, or go to counseling, or work on your marriage with you, I would say do whatever it takes. But I don't think there really is very much you can do if he isn't willing to work with you. Maybe just make sure that he knows you are there to talk when he is willing to talk about it. I know this must be very emotional for you, but if he is willing to talk, try to listen like a friend, to encourage him to open up more.


----------



## linnylove (Feb 1, 2012)

Lady1,

Thank you for responding. I have been searching for the answers. I don't understand the drastic change either other than him starting to hang out with a new crew of guys. He is a detective and as soon as we got married he moved positions to be on SVU which is rape cases and etc. I think that started the stress, and of course bills and the new house, but I really don't know what he expected me to change. You don't get married expecting the other person to change. I did notice that when he came home from work he would drink a bit more than usual, which was like a glass of wine with dinner. But I just don't see how someone dives off the cliff in a matter of a month, and not only that, how someone doesn't care enough to call or text or anything. Basically, I feel like he has died. I mean there is NO communication, and NO papers, and me living with my parents and trying to heal. I am just so unsure what my next step should be. So many people tell me to call and save my marriage, but my heart says that HE would call if anything has changed with his thoughts and "decision". Should I just move on?


----------



## linnylove (Feb 1, 2012)

PS: This is his and my 1st marriage. He doesn't have commitment issues, he pressed for the marriage. His parents have been married 28 years and mine for 33 years.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

linnylove said:


> I just want my life back and I am trying to remain strong and not needy because every time I would tell him I love him and I want this to work out he would just say I know you do. What should my next move be? Should I call? Should I move back into the house? Or should I do nothing?
> 
> Thanks in advance,
> 
> Helpless :/


WOW! What did the lawyer tell you? What are your rights in "his" decision? 

Can you afford the house? I, personally, would move back in the house, and tell him if he wants out, then HE can leave. Or put the house on the market and go separate ways, splitting any equity. 

NO, you should not call him. He won't answer, and you'll be even more hurt.

If he's hanging at bars, sure enough he's meeting other women and moving on with his life. You need to move on with yours! But do NOT call him..............at all!


----------



## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

Wow! I feel for you! I would be devastated to be in your situation. It is very selfish of him to keep you hanging (i.e. waiting for separation agreement). Is it possible to go to couple counseling? If he's not willing, go alone by yourself. It can't hurt.

Don't beg or plead with him to stay. I know it's easy said than done but I don't think it will do you any good.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

linnylove said:


> I just want my life back and I am trying to remain strong and not needy because every time I would tell him I love him and I want this to work out he would just say I know you do. What should my next move be? Should I call? Should I move back into the house? Or should I do nothing?


You should find out who the other woman is.

If nothing out of the ordinary or traumatic has happened to him since getting married and he wanted the marriage then it`s quite likely he`s got a girl on the side somewhere.

Find her.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The fact that he has not filed papers yet shows that you are making this far too comfortable for him. 

I agree that it's very likely that there is another woman in his life. You live 30 minutes away now. He has the house to himself. Can you afford to have someone watch the house and see if he brings anyone home?

I also agree with you moving back into your home. Tell him to leave. He's the one who is breaking his promise; he's the one who should leave. 

If you don't move back into your home, then show up with a truck and take your things. Move them into storage.

Put the house up for sale.

You file for divorce. Remember that when you file it will get his attention. He’s not expecting you to do that. You can always drag a divorce out a long time and stop it at any time.


----------



## linnylove (Feb 1, 2012)

Thank you all for your help.

I can't afford the house so I am still living with my parents.

I go to my lawyer to send him a separation agreement this week, but I know it won't do any good. He is going to go through with this divorce and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I just don't understand what is going on with him and I am so scared that one day he will want to work on things and it will be too late....how do you go through with a divorce when you love the person? 

I am heartbroken....still.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

linny,

Being the spouse of a cop is truly stressful. I have a number of police officer friends who's marriages are already over or well on the way. I attribute it to what I call the "cop attitude". It's that need to be tough and ready every time you pull over a speeding car or have to go to a crime scene where someone has died or been seriously hurt. It seems that after a while they just can't turn it off and it carries through to their families

Read up on the 180 here at TAM. Be thankful your still young and there aren't any children involved. If this plays out like it looks it will, you'll find someone who will truly love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you.


----------



## linnylove (Feb 1, 2012)

Thank you for responding Toffer. I am not doing well. It has been 5 months and yet I still long for him. I received a separation agreement from his lawyer last week and I am meeting with my lawyer this week. I don't want this at all. How do I cope? How do I let go?

You are right, he has a "cop attitude" and always was authoritative and demeaning at times. I would try to defend myself but then that is when we would argue...which is what he claims he can't take and one reason why he wants a divorce. We spent a weekend together in April when he came back apologetic. Now we are NOT communicating at all and he is back on FB acting like he is living the good life. Will he ever want me back? Or will he always hate me?


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It sounds over to me even though it is extremely difficult to let go. Time will heel you though. If I can speak freely, I don't think he's marriage material and you're dodging the proverbial bullet.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Linny,

Sorry but I have to agree with Sinnister.

While I know you have a hole the size of a Mack truck in your heart right now, I think in the long run you'll heal up nicely and withing what may now seem like an eternity of a year or two, you'll be ready to let someone in who'll love you the way you should be loved.

In the meantime, it's OK to be sad and depressed as this stage of your life unfolds. Lean on your family and friends and please feel free to keep posting.


----------



## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i'm so sorry you're going through this. be strong, try to move on. talk to a counslor and get yourself a cute apartment. i know the pain of "what if he comes back, but i'm done?" well, then good. he can deal with the pain he put you through. if he isn't willing to do anything to work on your relationship, i'd say there's somebody else, or he isn't the type to settle down and commit.


----------



## TheFamilyStone (Jun 26, 2012)

linny- I'm sorry you have to go through this I can't imagine what it feels like but it sounds like he's made up his mind and you are just going to have to pick yourself up and move on to bigger and better things. It's hard for me to decide whether he's an ass for going through the wedding and purchasing a house with you or if I should say, "Well at least he tried." He should at least have the decency to give you a straight answer as to why he is done being married. You don't just change your mind one day.


----------

