# Getting Husband into D/s



## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Yes, I read that book that everyone is talking about. It reminded me that sex can be fun and not something that needs to "just get done." Since then I started reading a lot of other books and information on the internet and I have realized that I crave the mental and sexual satisfaction that a BDSM relationship would bring. I have no idea how to bring this out in my husband. 
Some background....I cheated on him and we are working on our marriage. He doesn't want to lose me and I am putting in as much effort as I can to make him happy as well. I'm certainly dealing with the question of "do I really love him" in my head. I know sex isn't the answer to all our problems but if I could have this part of my life fulfilled, I feel the rest would be a little easier to deal with. I've always been more into sex than he has or so it seemed that way to me but he denies it. I'm not sure if this post just sounds ridiculous. I would be interested to see how you all reply.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How does BDSM bring mental satisfaction?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm not sure if you can get this part of your life fulfilled, the rest would be a little easier. Although sex is important, I don't think it's the core of a great marriage. I don't think great sex makes a great marriage. I think a great marriage can be made greater with great sex. Work on your marriage and get back to the place when you first fell in love and/or decide if you really love him. BDSM won't save your marriage. I read those books too and really loved them. I loved the hot sex and it made me want to have such hot sex. I'd like my husband to be more dominating with sex, too, but I don't see it in the cards. It's just not him. You can play light bondage games with your husband, like "pleasure Island' (I bought it on amazon), which is a very light-hearted intro into the stuff.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Hand him "that book" and tell him that's what you like.

But my guess is that you will have to do a lot more relationship work before he gets into it.

Question... did your affair include this type of sexual activity?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

A D/s relationship can be an intense exploration of relationship. Many focus on the images made popular in the media of the physical aspects. But just as in regular or "vanilla" sex to use a BDSM term, the physical sexual aspect is only an expression of the deeper mental and emotional relationship. 

From an intellectual standpoint, some would take the point of view we all have aspects of dominance and submission in us. While that hypothesis may have merit, it does not always manifest itself in our relationships. 

There is every variation imaginable for a D/s relationship from "only in the bedroom" to "24/7." For some it can enhance a marriage and for others it can destroy a marriage. 

There are happy committed monogamous couples into D/s though the popular image is often of players in it for the sex. 

There is a forum - fetlife.com - that includes discussion tracks on every aspect of D/s and BDSM as well as just about every fetish imaginable. In between all the trash talk from hedonists seeking brief encounters you can find some genuine discussion and reference to other resources.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> I'm not sure if you can get this part of your life fulfilled, the rest would be a little easier. Although sex is important, I don't think it's the core of a great marriage. I don't think great sex makes a great marriage. * I think a great marriage can be made greater with great sex.* Work on your marriage and get back to the place when you first fell in love and/or decide if you really love him. BDSM won't save your marriage. I read those books too and really loved them. I loved the hot sex and it made me want to have such hot sex. I'd like my husband to be more dominating with sex, too, but I don't see it in the cards. It's just not him. You can play light bondage games with your husband, like "pleasure Island' (I bought it on amazon), which is a very light-hearted intro into the stuff.


I agree and disagree. I love your comment I bolded above, but I also think that a marriage in trouble can be helped greatly by a happy sex life.

Sex should be a relaxing, joyous time, something that is stress free, worry free, caring, loving and enjoyable in a marriage. If you can make it that way, it gives you one piece of your life that is free of the stress of life, and creates a great bonding experience. For a marriage on the rocks, it can be a great starting point to rebuild the marriage, so in that sense yes, I do think that sex can make the rest of a marriage, and life in general, easier.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

What is he doing to avoid losing you since you have already been in an affair?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I agree and disagree. I love your comment I bolded above, but I also think that a marriage in trouble can be helped greatly by a happy sex life.
> 
> Sex should be a relaxing, joyous time, something that is stress free, worry free, caring, loving and enjoyable in a marriage. If you can make it that way, it gives you one piece of your life that is free of the stress of life, and creates a great bonding experience. For a marriage on the rocks, it can be a great starting point to rebuild the marriage, so in that sense yes, I do think that sex can make the rest of a marriage, and life in general, easier.


I have not yet seen a thread about a couple that has an awesome sex life that is considering splitting up for other reasons. But lots of rocky marriages where "everything is great except...". So yea, I think it is the core, and as long as you have that, everything else tends to work itself out.


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## Naomi22 (Dec 27, 2012)

one book I gave my husband which has some good things in it is "the sex god method". It didn't help us yet- ha ha but it is a good book


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

east2west said:


> I have not yet seen a thread about a couple that has an awesome sex life that is considering splitting up for other reasons. But lots of rocky marriages where "everything is great except...". So yea, I think it is the core, and as long as you have that, everything else tends to work itself out.


Oh I have. Mostly about financial issues such as gambling, or alcohol/drug addition, but there are threads about that around. That said, I do agree with you e2w, happy in the sack usually brings great hope to things being happy outside the sack.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Hand him "that book" and tell him that's what you like.
> 
> But my guess is that you will have to do a lot more relationship work before he gets into it.
> 
> Question... did your affair include this type of sexual activity?


My affair did have some of the D/s qualities. I started to look into it more at that point and wanted to explore it more. Although, considering the fantasies I had ever since puberty, I have always wanted it, just didn't know enough about it. 
funny, I did give him the book early on, even before the affair started. He didn't get the hint and didn't read it as it wasn't that interesting to him. I even gave him a particular passage to read and he put it to the side and didn't look at it again. Thats in the past though and he seems to be opening it up to it more now although we do have some other things to work out first as most of you have mentioned.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Naomi22 said:


> one book I gave my husband which has some good things in it is "the sex god method". It didn't help us yet- ha ha but it is a good book


Thanks! I will check it out.


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## losttexan75 (Dec 24, 2012)

To quote Dr. Phil:

"If sex is great, it's 10% of the relationship; If it isn't, it's 90%"


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Maneo said:


> There is a forum - fetlife.com - that includes discussion tracks on every aspect of D/s and BDSM as well as just about every fetish imaginable. In between all the trash talk from hedonists seeking brief encounters you can find some genuine discussion and reference to other resources.


I know that site very well. I met a lot of people who had a lot of good advice. I think my husband associated that site with my cheating though, so I don't think I will be able to use it again.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

east2west said:


> What is he doing to avoid losing you since you have already been in an affair?


He has admitted that he was taking me for granted and our marriage for granted. He didn't realize how much effort and work it takes and has since been putting more effort to do little things for me to make me happy.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I'm sure you realize a D/s relationship can be difficult if either partner has no inclination toward the dominant or submissive. You may have all the desire and behaviors as the submissive but your husband simply may not have a dominant nature or vice versa.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Maneo said:


> I'm sure you realize a D/s relationship can be difficult if either partner has no inclination toward the dominant or submissive. You may have all the desire and behaviors as the submissive but your husband simply may not have a dominant nature or vice versa.


He seems to have dominant qualities outside the bedroom. I just have to get him to use them for "good not evil" hee hee


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> He seems to have dominant qualities outside the bedroom. I just have to get him to use them for "good not evil" hee hee


I think a big reason for my lack of aggression in bed stems from being cheated on.

I was actually the lead in bed in my relationship with my ex-wife for the first while. Once she began turning me down to frequently, that stung my ego. Then when she had an EA, it crushed me. It's very hard to regain your self-esteem when you feel like some other guy is better than you in an area most men hold very dear (sex).

I sense your affair wasn't very long ago (maybe a year?). If so, I think you are trying to run before you walk on this situation. I doubt he's completely healed from the wound that affair caused so getting him to 100% trust in the marriage should be the goal, to reconnect and get together on an personal and intimate level. Getting him to get more out of his comfort zone in bed should come later. 

If he's like I was, he's likely still suffering from a low self-esteem regarding sex and his sexual performance. He may be afraid to go to the level you want for fear of disappointing you and leading to you wanting another affair as a result, leaving him feeling incapable and inferior as a man. It's a tough road to hoe to get back to normal from an affair, nevermind grow sexually.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> He has admitted that he was taking me for granted and our marriage for granted. He didn't realize how much effort and work it takes and has since been putting more effort to do little things for me to make me happy.


Are you finding that you desire him more now that he is doing these things? Or less?


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Whenever he displays some sort or dominant behavior, tell him how much you like it when he does that


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I doubt he's completely healed from the wound that affair caused so getting him to 100% trust in the marriage should be the goal, to reconnect and get together on an personal and intimate level. Getting him to get more out of his comfort zone in bed should come later.
> 
> If he's like I was, he's likely still suffering from a low self-esteem regarding sex and his sexual performance. He may be afraid to go to the level you want for fear of disappointing you and leading to you wanting another affair as a result, leaving him feeling incapable and inferior as a man. It's a tough road to hoe to get back to normal from an affair, nevermind grow sexually.


I absolutely agree and understand. We have started to get intimate again and I'm doing what I can to boost his ego and confidence. He is responding and trying in ways he hasn't before. I just want to make sure I don't put too much pressure on him or scare him away while pointing him in the right direction.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

east2west said:


> Are you finding that you desire him more now that he is doing these things? Or less?


Definitely more.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I absolutely agree and understand. We have started to get intimate again and I'm doing what I can to boost his ego and confidence. He is responding and trying in ways he hasn't before. I just want to make sure I don't put too much pressure on him or scare him away while pointing him in the right direction.


Have you considered a sexual rotation of sorts? Like one sex night he gets to decide what gets done, the next you get to decide?

Maybe give it a try. It will help him build his ego in his own safe zone on his nights (he'll be in charge and making decisions) and on your nights, you can (slowly) show him new things you'd like to try and it might help him find some things he likes or is/could be good at.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Have you considered a sexual rotation of sorts? Like one sex night he gets to decide what gets done, the next you get to decide?
> 
> Maybe give it a try. It will help him build his ego in his own safe zone on his nights (he'll be in charge and making decisions) and on your nights, you can (slowly) show him new things you'd like to try and it might help him find some things he likes or is/could be good at.


I've tried asking him and telling him before and after the EA that I would be willing to do anything he wants. He always answers with "i'm happy with whatever we're doing." It's teaching him that he can be in charge and make decisions that has been the challenge. I give him a lot of positive feedback so that seems to have been helping him gain confidence.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I've tried asking him and telling him before and after the EA that I would be willing to do anything he wants. He always answers with "i'm happy with whatever we're doing." It's teaching him that he can be in charge and make decisions that has been the challenge. I give him a lot of positive feedback so that seems to have been helping him gain confidence.


No, it's teaching him to be submissive.

When he says "I'm happy doing what we're doing" he's likely really saying "You be in charge. I don't want to disappoint you again." 

I'm glad you give him the positive feedback, and that's huge, but I'll wager he has a serious belief that he'll disappoint you if he tries to give you what you want and that you'll want to go looking for it elsewhere after.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I'm glad you give him the positive feedback, and that's huge, but I'll wager he has a serious belief that he'll disappoint you if he tries to give you what you want and that you'll want to go looking for it elsewhere after.


I'm sure he is worried that I will stray again just because he is still recovering but I don't think it translates to him being worried he will disappoint me in bed and is therefore afraid to try. He has never wanted anything specifically from me when it came to sex. He was happy with the typical and the basics.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

I'm not sure where to begin with my response to this thread.

the "50 shades" book is interesting, i'll give you that. Fetlife is a great resource. i'm one of the first 50 members there since it started. i have watched it grow, watched the groups develop into cliques. the events around it become larger and larger, which is both good and bad. 

meeting people at munches to discuss ways to develop D/s in your life and marriage is great. to participate in any of this stuff, before you and your spouse are on SOLID TRUSTING GROUND, is a definite NO-NO!! I cannot stress this enough!

D/s is based on trust. Trust that the Dominate person will not mentally, physically/emotionally damage the submissive, and trust that the submissive will let the Dominate know when enough is enough, that they wont take more than they can handle, just so they can show him/her or others watching that they can take xyz. 

D/s is not just bedroom sex. It is giving someone control, and that also means TRUST. I mean ultimately the submissive has the control, they are the ones that agree or disagree on the terms of negotiation, submission, and or calling it all off. 

using a little pain/pleasure to spice up things in the bedroom = i'm all for it! can be lots of fun, but again, it involves TRUST....and Trust is the foundation of any relationship. if you dont have it in yours, i would work on this first!!!! and then consider D/s or BDSM, or M/s or anything else you want to call it. 

if you are curious about Fetlife, or maybe meeting other "kinky" couples who participate in an alternate lifestyle, but who DO NOT SHARE their spouses, please feel free to PM me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I'm sure he is worried that I will stray again just because he is still recovering but *I don't think it translates to him being worried he will disappoint me in bed and is therefore afraid to try. *He has never wanted anything specifically from me when it came to sex. He was happy with the typical and the basics.


Did you actually ask him if it does?


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## axw (Oct 18, 2010)

What interests you about D/s? It can be difficult to implement that into an already existing relationship unless you both already have those tendencies.

That said, it's not impossible. My wife and I are in a 24/7 D/s relationship and it didn't start that way. We always had some power exchange in the bedroom, but I was clueless about BDSM until about 2 years ago when I came home from work and my wife simply stated she wanted to try something new. I have an open mind about things so we researched it and I agreed. We're now both leaders of an 18-35 year old Munch group locally where we meet monthly and discuss various topics related to the lifestyle. 

Not only has our relationship grown from this, I have been able to grow as a person and lose some of my beta attributes. I'm now much more confident in making decisions and expressing what I want outside the bedroom.

Although 50 Shades is about BDSM, many in the kink community see this as mostly fantasy and only touches somewhat on what a true D/s relationship is like. I can't comment on out too much as I read only half the first book and just couldn't get into it. If you do decide to pursue this, I recommend you both read "Conquer Me" by Kacie Cunningham. It helped me understand my wife's desires to be dominated and what we could both do to ensure our needs are meet.

I do agree whole heartedly with the above poster that TRUST is key in this type of relationship, so be sure you continue to work on that.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

axw said:


> What interests you about D/s? It can be difficult to implement that into an already existing relationship unless you both already have those tendencies.


That does have me worried. I'm not sure if it's in my husband's nature to be a dominant. He likes to be in control at all times. He has never been dominant or assertive in bed. He has problems asking me to do things for him although I greatly enjoy doing things for him. I guess time will tell if it works or not. 

50 shades just reminded me that sex can be fun and enjoyable. I had been in a rut for some time with my husband and didn't know what to do to get him to open up. That book led to many others and researching the fetlife site as well as talking to experienced doms. The more I learn about it, the more I can relate to it and understand I am a submissive, although a feisty one. 

Anyway, thanks for the book recommendation, I'll check it out.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Did you actually ask him if it does?


We talked about how his confidence has been damaged by my affair. He says that as long as I continue to reinforce my desire for him and satisfaction from what he is doing, he will try and be the man I want him to be in bed. 

My point earlier, was that taking turns doing what we both want in bed won't work because there is nothing that he wants or is willing to tell me he wants. I think he just enjoys knowing he is pleasing me so just trying to figure out how to teach him to please me in a way that is foreign to him.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> We talked about how his confidence has been damaged by my affair. He says that as long as I continue to reinforce my desire for him and satisfaction from what he is doing, he will try and be the man I want him to be in bed.
> 
> *My point earlier, was that taking turns doing what we both want in bed won't work because there is nothing that he wants or is willing to tell me he wants. *I think he just enjoys knowing he is pleasing me so just trying to figure out how to teach him to please me in a way that is foreign to him.


Incorrect. Your very next line is something he wants, and you said earlier in the thread that he enjoys the same ole sort of stuff you've been doing.

By rotating turns, you can get him open up when it's your turn to take take charge, but he still can return to his safe zone (the same ole, same ole) when it's his turn to dictate what happens.

The point is to get him to start saying what he wants and make him express what WILL happen in the bedroom. So what if at first all that he will say is that you two WILL do what has been done 100 times before. It's a step forward and you can't expect him to have you swinging from a chandelier the first time out. Plus, as I said before, during your times of dictating the pace, you might open his mind to something he likes and he'll want that in the future.

Baby steps.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Oh, i see your point. I think....well either way, I'm happy to say that sex has been better than it has been in years for both of us so yay!!


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