# Decision has been made - seeking support - long post



## Tierney (Mar 26, 2016)

I would love some feedback on my current situation as I am on the verge of separation/divorce. This will be a very long post since I’m going to start from the beginning: 

In college, I dated the “bad boy” types. Needless to say, this did not go well for me. Fast forward a few years to my last semester of grad school. I returned to the college town of my undergrad days to complete my practicum and I met my husband (let’s call him Brandon) the day after I moved back (December 2005). A good friend that worked with him talked him up, so I was intrigued. That very night, my friend, me and Brandon got together to watch a football bowl game. After that, we did a little bar hopping. He and I had enjoyable conversation and he gave me a chaste kiss on the lips when we dropped him off at his house. He called me the next morning, which I thought was ballsy, and we agreed to get together again soon. He came over that night while my friend and I were hanging out at my apartment. We visited briefly and then I told him I needed to run an errand with my friend. He stormed off to his car and I later found out it was because I didn’t give him a hug or do more to acknowledge that we were parting ways for the evening. I found his behavior to be really odd and I didn’t talk to him after that.

A few weeks later, my roommate and I decided to host a Super Bowl party. I convinced myself that I needed to change my dating pattern and give Brandon a second chance because he was a “good guy.” He came to the Super Bowl party and was well received by my friends. He helped clean up afterwards, which I found adorable. We continued to spend time together but I soon learned that he lied about his age. He told me he was 28 but he was really 32. (I was 24) He continued with the lie even when I helped him file his taxes. I finally confronted him about it and he said he didn’t think I would be interested in him if I knew how old he really was. For reasons I still can’t understand, I brushed this off and continued to date him.

We shared interests and enjoyed spending time together but we never had that spark, chemistry or passion that I had in past relationships. I felt like I had put too much emphasis on that in the past and I convinced myself chemistry and passion would come with time and age. We had sex and it was fine, but it was never memorable, exciting or something I was eager to do. However, I was somewhat aggressive when it came to initiating sex because I was in the bad place of thinking that’s all I was good for and that’s how you keep a guy. (Case in point, I told him I loved him after the first time we had sex, which was probably about 2 months after we started dating).

After dating a few months, we took a weekend trip together. We had previously watched something about Japanese business men renting small cubbies to sleep in during their busy schedules and as soon as we opened the door to our hotel room, Brandon made a joke about the cubbies above the bed looking like the ones used by Japanese business men. I found this very funny and endearing and my thought was, “I need to marry this guy!”

I met Brandon’s family in the spring, he met some of my family shortly after that and things continued to go smoothly. We never fought and everything seemed great. In the summer, after some cajoling from his co-workers, he finally told me he loved me. In the fall, I started pressuring him into moving in together. He was reluctant but we did move in together in October. The day we moved, he proposed. I knew it was coming because the night before, he stayed out late, which was odd for him. He said he had gone out to the bar after buying the engagement ring because he was nervous. I was disappointed that he told me he bought the ring but I did not expect him to propose the next day. It was very low key. I turned around and he was down on one knee with the ring and asked if I would marry him. I obviously said yes. We planned to get married the following August but as I started to plan the wedding, it was morphing into a larger event than I wanted, so I made an abrupt decision and moved the date up to mid-February. Plans fell into place easily and quickly which made it feel meant to be. (We got married after dating for only a year.) My parents expressed some concern that we moved the wedding date up but they didn’t try to stop it. On our wedding day, I was crazy nervous. Like, couldn't eat any food nervous. I figured this was normal, however, while my dad was walking me down the aisle, I was thinking, "I need to walk away from this! This is a huge mistake!" but I obviously didn't voice those concerns to anyone. I put one foot in front of the other and continued on down the path I thought I had to. After our honeymoon, I commented to my husband that we had very little sex for newlyweds. I thought it was strange but it's just how we were.

Married life was pleasant at first. Again, we still never argued and I thought it was great. No conflict meant we were awesome together, right? He started working a second job so we could save up to buy a house, which to me signaled that he was growing up, taking initiative and willing to work hard to support a family. I got baby fever shortly after we got married and we welcomed our first child about 2 years after our wedding. Shortly before this, we bought our first house. During the credit check process, it was brought to my attention that there was some debt and financial accounts that my husband had not disclosed to me. This was frustrating and hurtful to me since I already did not have a great deal of trust with him since he lied about his age and because he did not disclose much about his past. He would get defensive and elusive whenever I asked him about his college years, specifically. I brushed it off, figuring it wasn’t important and that he would tell me about it on his own time.

Shortly after the birth of our first child, my father-in-law accidentally let it slip that my husband never finished his degree. He told me that Brandon battled depression during his college years and left school just 6 credits shy of finishing his degree. This was a huge blow to me since it seemed like there were more and more secrets coming to the surface. I confronted my husband about this but he didn’t have much to say about it. He still wouldn't tell me what happened or why he was depressed. I distrusted him a lot at this point, fearing that he was hiding something big.

Our second child came along about 2 years after the first. We were still plugging along like a happy little family. In the fall of 2012, Brandon was laid off from his job. This was a huge blow as we were already living paycheck to paycheck. I was working part-time because it was the closest I could get to being a stay-at-home mom, which is something I had desperately wanted to do since the birth of our first child. I immediately went back to full-time after he was laid off and he found a part-time job within a month of being laid off. I figured this was a placeholder job until he found a better, more permanent job. Over 3 years later and he still hasn't gotten that job and it has taken it's toll. We have opposing schedules, so we rarely spend time together just the two of us or as a family. He does not have benefits or paid leave, so if we ever go on vacation (which is rare), we miss out on pay, which is stressful.

In the spring of 2013, I started having thoughts of "I would not choose this man again if I had to." I figured it was just frustration with our work/financial situation and having young kids at home. I was decreasingly interested in sex but figured it was something wrong with me and my hormones. Sex was even less enjoyable for me but I felt like I had to keep doing it because a man "needs" sex. (However, for some background, I LOVE sex, or, at least, I used to, prior to my husband.) In the fall of 2013, I got pregnant, again, which was very unexpected and not exactly welcomed at first (at least, by me.) We were plugging along, but there was not much of a relationship at this point.

A few months after our third child arrived, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. This really caught me off guard since he was a very healthy guy and young (68). He died eight weeks after being diagnosed. I was devastated but my dad's death woke me up as well. I realized that life really is short and I realized that he had been filling the roles in my life that husband wasn't. He was my provider, protector, shoulder to lean on and that was suddenly taken away from me. I struggled with depression and also started having an inappropriate relationship with the man from college I felt like I should have always been with. My husband found out what was going on and was understandably upset. Prior to him discovering what was going on, I asked him if he was happy with how things were going with us and he said yes. He had no idea that I was so unhappy. He was fine with the way things were. I was shocked and disappointed. He asked me to stop all contact with my college friend. I was resistant at first but I did cease communication. At this point, my husband read through my journal. Any bit of trust I had with him was gone and now he didn't trust me. I was still battling depression and asking so many questions about my faith and what I should do so I attended a grief group at my church. It was only mildly helpful but at the last session, I felt like it was time to move on from my marriage. I had a peace about it which seemed strange since the church is so against divorce. I thought, this can't be from God. I have to keep trying to make this work. But as I thought about it, I felt like I had tried to communicate with him and I was waiting for him to grow up and be the head of the household that I so desperately wanted. Instead of him taking over that role, I ended up doing it because someone needed to. So now I'm the breadwinner, head of the household among other roles and I'm exhausted. I want to be in a relationship with a grown-up. I want to be with someone that has vision, plans for the future and is my equal and partner. I crave real intimacy, which is something that has been lacking in this marriage. I should know him better than anyone else and I barely know him better now than I did when we got married 9 years ago. My husband is still that guy that stormed off after I didn't give him a hug. He needs a lot of positive reinforcement and basically needs to be told what to do. He has zero initiative, drive, ambition or confidence. I can't instill those things in him. He needs to want to change and do things differently. He is a great dad and that won't change but I do not want to be romantically involved with him anymore. The last few times we've had sex have ended with me crying into my balled up shirt in the bathroom because I feel used and he was none the wiser about that until I finally was honest with him a few weeks ago and told him I want to leave. He was devastated but he still doesn't have any fight in him. He slinks off to bed in the guest bedroom after the kids are settled for the night. It's exasperating but I know I want to move on. I know it's going to be hard for the kids, and all of us for that matter, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm responsible for his feelings and happiness. It's taken me so long to come to this conclusion because I have family and church people telling me that divorce is not an option. You stick with it and make the best of it but I don't know how to do that anymore. For so long, I wanted someone to tell me I was making the right choice and that everything will be okay but I ultimately had to decide that that wasn't going to happen. I have to make peace with my decisions and deal with the consequences as they come. I'm still struggling with this decision though. We're keeping up a somewhat awkward living arrangement until the school year is over and then I think he's going to move out.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Your husband seems to have no idea of what you expect and need. I wonder how much of this is caused by him being told to be a beta boy morden feminists crave.

Regardless your decsion is an honest one, arrived at after careful thought and repeated attempts to resolve the breach with your husband. I oftened said and meant: there are a hundred good reasons to divorce, none of which justifies or is an excusse for adultery. 

This will be hard on both of you. Try to be gentle and kind with him without giving him false hope.


----------



## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Regardless your decsion is an honest one, arrived at after careful thought and repeated attempts to resolve the breach with your husband. I oftened said and meant: there are a hundred good reasons to divorce, none of which justifies or is an excusse for adultery.


I definitely concur with this. You certainly dropped the ball here, but it does sound like the match was never quite what it should have been (with your lack of spark and his lack of honesty). Anyway, I think you're on the right track. Hang in there. Some of us others are going through the same thing.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Was your affair emotional, physical or both?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If by "the Church is so against divorce" you mean the Catholic Church, apply for annulment as soon as the civil divorce is final. He lied about his age, degree, and debt before you married. If knowing all of these things would have caused you not to marry him, you have solid grounds for an annulment due to fraud alone. Possibly other grounds, too. If you were to have the marriage annulled, you'd be able to date and, if you found a good match, marry in the Church, with a clear conscience.


----------



## Tierney (Mar 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Was your affair emotional, physical or both?


Mostly emotional. The man outside of the marriage was deployed for the majority of the time we were in communication, so there was a lot of sharing via messenger and email. He was a safe place to be vulnerable while I was drowning in my grief. I know that's no excuse, and I know I screwed up big time by going outside of the marriage. We saw each other a few times in person, but didn't have sex. 

After I asked my husband in early 2015 if he was happy with our relationship, he made the comment that I always seemed to talk to other people before talking to him. That was an accurate observation and it made me realize that my emotional needs have been met by others for the duration of this marriage. Whether it was my parents, friends or others, I have never felt like my husband was my best friend or a safe place to share my innermost thoughts and feelings. When I've tried to be vulnerable with him, it was usually met with a blank stare and a weak attempt at being comforting or supportive so I quickly learned to seek that from others.


----------



## Tierney (Mar 26, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> If by "the Church is so against divorce" you mean the Catholic Church, apply for annulment as soon as the civil divorce is final. He lied about his age, degree, and debt before you married. If knowing all of these things would have caused you not to marry him, you have solid grounds for an annulment due to fraud alone. Possibly other grounds, too. If you were to have the marriage annulled, you'd be able to date and, if you found a good match, marry in the Church, with a clear conscience.


I don't mean the Catholic Church. The church I attend and family members are of the belief that marriage is for life and that my reasons for wanting out aren't really valid. They think I need to focus on positive, stick with it and make the best of things. I don't know how to do that anymore. I do not want him to touch me. How do you come back from that? I am no longer willing to be vulnerable around him because I don't think he truly values me since he has never been able to be vulnerable or transparent with me.


----------



## Tierney (Mar 26, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Regardless your decsion is an honest one, arrived at after careful thought and repeated attempts to resolve the breach with your husband.


Thank you for this. This is something I've been struggling with for a long time, whether or not I'm making a sound decision. No one in my family, and I mean no one, is divorced. It just hasn't happened. It feels like I'm a failure and giving up and I don't accept failure easily. But I finally had to get past the fear of what everyone will think and be honest with myself. I'm not willing to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage to keep up appearances. My sister has said that divorce will permanently scar my children. Don't we all have scars though? Even if we were raised in a home with our mother and father, we still get screwed up. It's all in how we deal with it. I certainly have scars, but I don't let them define me. My husband, who is 42, is still letting his scars define me. He says things like, "I wish I could change" and "I'm afraid I'll never be good enough." It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He could change, if he wanted to.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Tierney said:


> He could change, if he wanted to.


That says it all.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

How this effects your children is up to them and you. My mother had a brother and sister. Unlike my mother they where disaster has spouses and parents. They had ten children between them, not one divorce to date, with decades of marriage. (I am 60)

My father was from a broken home. Not once did they give his wife or children pause to doubt him. 

Just be kind and respectful towards your husband, but firm in your decision and "keep your hands clean".


----------



## ShameLessLover (Nov 5, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Just be kind and respectful towards your husband, but firm in your decision and "keep your hands clean".


Exactly. Family/close freinds would be good support during this time - keep them close.


----------



## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

wow.. this post means so much to me, because I am in a very similar situation.

You are brave and strong and I admire your honesty and self care. Obviously, he is not as interested in making you happy; as long as you're there, that's good enough for him. My husband is like that... as long as I'm present, he doesn't seem to mind if I'm unhappy.

I'm a child of divorce, and trust me, it's hard when you're young, but you grow up, and you learn and you realize that your parents did the best with what they had.. I have 2 young kids too, and I'm not so worried about them in this. I mean, of course I'm worried... but I know that if handled properly, they will come out well on the other side.

It's encouraging to me that you're making the choice to leave... because I am as well. It's a hard one.. and I took a long time to make it..

I finally told my husband about it and he cried and cried and cried. The guilt was INSANE.. I've started therapy just to remind myself that I deserve love and happiness. Personally, from what I've read, I think you're doing the right thing; and I'm excited for your future!!

XO


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> If by "the Church is so against divorce" you mean the Catholic Church, apply for annulment as soon as the civil divorce is final. He lied about his age, degree, and debt before you married. If knowing all of these things would have caused you not to marry him, you have solid grounds for an annulment due to fraud alone. Possibly other grounds, too. If you were to have the marriage annulled, you'd be able to date and, if you found a good match, marry in the Church, with a clear conscience.


Never will I understand except in extreme circumstances, how the catholic "annulment" thing works. She knew all these things for a long time and didn't suddenly cry foul. For this to be an annulment after all the years and multiple kids, I just don't get:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tierney said:


> Thank you for this. This is something I've been struggling with for a long time, whether or not I'm making a sound decision. No one in my family, and I mean no one, is divorced. It just hasn't happened. It feels like I'm a failure and giving up and I don't accept failure easily. But I finally had to get past the fear of what everyone will think and be honest with myself. I'm not willing to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage to keep up appearances. My sister has said that divorce will permanently scar my children. Don't we all have scars though? Even if we were raised in a home with our mother and father, we still get screwed up. It's all in how we deal with it. I certainly have scars, but I don't let them define me. My husband, who is 42, is still letting his scars define me. He says things like, "I wish I could change" and "I'm afraid I'll never be good enough." It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He could change, if he wanted to.


The church and your family does not have to live your life. You have to do what is best for YOU and not worry about what the others think about it. Take care of your children and yourself and that is all you need to do. Your husband will have to step up for his kids and for his own survival...if he falls on his face, not your problem, he is a grown man. Your story makes me sad, and if I find it sad, then your kids probably feel it too, so do keep that in mind. I am a child of divorce and my life afterward was fine...my daughter was not quite 3 when her dad and I split, and now that she is 19, she thanks me for not staying with him. 

This is YOUR LIFE. Do what you need to do.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Agree you live your life, no one else. The question is does there advise work best for you. I would only suggest there are reasons why religions endure. Theology is a tricky subject. Theology needs to be conceived in the gutter at the corner of main st. and central ave. After the first commandment the other nine come from there - the gutter. They where born from the hope of people to escape the cesspool of human existence. They are guide posts that we ignore at great risk. 

As to length of time effecting an annulment, you could argue her families faith teaches them to try and not give up to easy.

If you keep your hands clean (and yes I am talking about dating) until the divorce comes though your family will come around. If not **** them. I guess from my postings you might not realize how much I agree with 3X, but I do.


----------



## Tierney (Mar 26, 2016)

gyspy14 said:


> Obviously, he is not as interested in making you happy; as long as you're there, that's good enough for him.


That's exactly how I feel! As long as he's not alone and is taken care of, he's happy. When I asked him early last year if he was happy with our relationship, etc. he said, "Yeah. I never thought we'd have a house like this." WTH kind of response is that? I couldn't give a sh*t about the house. Yes, it's nice and all, but the material things in my life are not where I find my fulfillment. I want to feel like I'm really seen and heard by my spouse. I want someone to really DO LIFE with me. 

My family is giving me a really hard time about this. My brother and sister announced that they're going to come over to our house on Saturday to "force" us to have some honest conversation. How is this any of their business? And then my husband informed me that my mother called his mom yesterday morning to fill her in on what is going on! That hurt the most. It seems so cowardly and inappropriate of my mother to make that call. My family has no understanding of the concept of boundaries. I understand that they don't agree with me but bullying me into staying in this marriage is not the way to go.


----------

