# "Why are you always trying to be so practical"??



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I am quoting my wife.

I am posting this in the ladies section on purpose. Maybe I'll get some idea on what not to say and how to handle this situation.

Usually this comes up when she brings up some issue about the kids or something about which I might disagree, ever so slightly. So I am the type who voices this, but not in a demeaning way. I can handle differing opinions - in fact I like to hear other opinions on things.

This riles up my wife and she says "why are you always so practical"?
Another one is "why do you always oppose me?". I don't always oppose, only when I have a differing view.

I thought a woman would like her man to be practical and realistic. Apparently not.

So ladies, you probably understand the language my wife speaks. My questions are:
1. Why do some/many women not want practical solutions?
2. How do I handle this situation?

My feeling is that if I just let her talk and I did not object to anything, and in the end if I did what I thought was right, everyone would be happy. I think that she takes it as an ego affront if I have a differing view.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I thought a woman would like her man to be practical and realistic. Apparently not.


I do



> So ladies, you probably understand the language my wife speaks. My questions are:
> 1. Why do some/many women not want practical solutions?
> 2. How do I handle this situation?


1. Not all women are the same. I'm extremely logical and straightforward and loathe emotional, irrational arguing. In fact, I avoid people (particularly women) that argue like this like the plague in my personal life. However, you chose who you married...you didn't pick a woman who argues in a logical fashion. Also, there's the possibility that she didn't want you to figure out a solution at all...maybe she's just complaining.

2. You accept the woman you picked and you work through discussions to try to figure out each person's approach, thought-process and methodologies. You need to learn to understand each other in order to communicate better. So often, people form unhealthy habits in the way they communicate...so unlearning those habits take time and work.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes, she's told me that she didn't want me "fixing" her problems. This is the default behavior of most men, especially engineers like myself who love to fix problems.

I feel bad when she is complaining because I want to ease her pain. Maybe I need to just grit my teeth and let her talk. It makes me feel like I don't give a damn about her problem but if that's what she wants...

I am probably guilty of giving unsolicited advice. And when I do, she probably feels that I am controlling.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Well here is the naked truth. She's not talking to get you to fix anything. she just needs to feel heard. 

When next she talks, just give her your undivided attention. To her, it's not about the logic. It's about emoting - expressing her feelings. She doesn't need your logic. She just needs your "undivided" attention. That's what she means when she says "Why are you always trying to be so practical?"


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

tonygunner007 said:


> When next she talks, just give her your undivided attention. To her, it's not about the logic. It's about emoting - expressing her feelings. She doesn't need your logic. She just needs your "undivided" attention. That's what she means when she says "Why are you always trying to be so practical?"


This is spot on and yet so much easier said than done-- "undivided" attention. 

In the mean time, while trying to keep an "interested" look on my face. 

My mind is spinning: 
Is there a point to this rant?, oh.. That's the problem! Ok.. You could XYZ. DONE  NEXT! Oh.. You're still talking. Maybe I could get an edited version. You just said that ..again. O.. kay... am I still looking interested. I hope so. I'll nod my head then I'll look interested. You only have 2 options in this situation, so pick one. I could excuse myself to the bathroom now and get away. 

Best of luck emoting


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> This is spot on and yet so much easier said than done-- "undivided" attention.
> 
> In the mean time, while trying to keep an "interested" look on my face.
> 
> ...


My husband will say something like I know you just want me to listen, but my brain is friend. Can I have the cliff notes version? Works for me.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

A potential problem could be that she may accuse me of not helping her out even after hearing her problem! This could cut both ways.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Maybe after she's done emoting you could ask her if she would like your practical opinion.

ETA: I realize that sounds sarcastic - I'm not being very helpful.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

One of those differences with the sexes is... many men don't seem to grasp how a woman needs to be listened to _1st_..this soothes her.. calms her.. it shows you care ....before you offer your advice.. to FIX..... sometimes just listening is all a woman needs. she may even talk herself out of her own issue.. 

Having taken a class on "*Listening*" to volunteer for a HOTLINE many yrs ago... this is one of the truths that stuck with me.. how valuable listening IS.. when she feels heard, she will be more OPEN to HEAR YOU.. 

In our marriage.. I am a very practical person.. always thinking of the bottom line myself.. how to FIX.... of course as a woman, I am more emotional over him.. and I do care to be heard.. his willing ear does make me feel cared for...understood...

IN this... I am always OPEN TO HIS IDEAS... *I ASK for his thoughts..no matter what it is*.. . if I feel differently ...we'll bounce things off of each other till we come up with the best way to handle.. or for how to get my head on straight (again being the more emotional creature).. 

So yeah.. start with ..what is that JLD calls it *>>* "*active listening*"... engaging in the conversation ..this should open up her willingness to receive what you want to say...(some ideas on fixing).... when someone takes the time to hear us, we are less likely to find them controlling.. we may not agree.. but still it has a calming effect... we will feel more cared for .. loved.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Yes, she's told me that she didn't want me "fixing" her problems. This is the default behavior of most men, especially engineers like myself who love to fix problems.


lol...trust me, I'd find this irritating too. I absolutely cannot stand listening to people complain when they aren't solutions-based. I loathe it in my career and I double-loathe it in my personal life. But this is the woman that you chose...so you have to deal with it.



> One of those differences with the sexes is... many men don't seem to grasp how a woman needs to be listened to 1st..this soothes her.. calms her.. it shows you care ....before you offer your advice.. to FIX..... sometimes just listening is all a woman needs. she may even talk herself out of her own issue..


I'm female and this totally does not apply to me nor any of my female friends or family. There are a lot of very practical, logical woman who make decisions based on data and work with their partners to fix problems...not complain about stuff ad nauseum.

This is a generalization about women (and there are lots of them) that does not apply to many of our gender. However, I would agree, this observation is consistent with the description of the OP's wife.

Not all women are the same and the stereotypes are tiresome.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I'm female and this totally does not apply to me nor any of my female friends or family. There are a lot of very practical, logical woman who make decisions based on data and work with their partners to fix problems...not complain about stuff ad nauseum.
> 
> This is a generalization about women (and there are lots of them) that does not apply to many of our gender. However, I would agree, this observation is consistent with the description of the OP's wife.
> 
> Not all women are the same and the stereotypes are tiresome.


Oh I should have know THAT was coming... I think I am going to do a thread on stereotypes soon.. sure there are some that bother me too....like the word you used to refer to SAHM's last week... 

All I was trying to say was...the majority of humans (I'll include both genders here) appreciate being listened to when they speak or have an issue.....just so happens his partner is a woman... and Yes, I do feel the majority of women (in comparison to men)... due to our god given hormonal make up can be more sensitive here.. due to estrogen's effects.. I don't think this is a blight on our character at all. It makes us rather lovely and very nurturing on the other end..

In no was was I suggesting she was complaining at nauseum, which is what you brought into the conversation...

None of us enjoy hearing that.. it has the power to ruin everyone's day.. consistent negativity -we all want to run from. ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Not all control freaks are 'practical'. Sometimes they like control for control's sake. F'rinstance my sort-of wife, we do not live together thinks she's incredibly hard headed. But only in terms of doing what she wants the way and only the way she wants to do them. If she thinks that best way to drive somewhere is such and such, no matter what, that's the practical approach. 

And why not? Everyone thinks their ideas are the best ideas, that they have the problem licked? Why should it matter what anyone else thinks. Why would I care if she's the the one driving?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> My husband will say something like I know you just want me to listen, but my brain is friend. Can I have the cliff notes version? Works for me.


I love this. I think it's cool he feels comfortable being blunt and its doubly cool you're ok with that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why are you always so practical?
Translation could be many things: why didn't I think of that?; what a stick-in-the-mud; can't he think outside of the box; cheap a$$.

Why do you always oppose me?
Translation: Is this a power thing?; Devil's advocate again, huh?; Can't you just go with it (for once)?; Geez, I'm just venting - buy a clue.

Listen to her then ask her if she would like to address the issue later when the two of you can brainstorm and come up with a solution if a solution is needed.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

She told me today that she doesn't like me "arguing" with her. For me, it is a discussion, not an argument, but she thinks I am being argumentative.

To my male mind, if I say 1 + 1 = 3 and the other person just listens and goes "umm hmm", I would be insulted because the other person didn't care enough to disagree. But maybe women in general and my wife in particular don't see it this way. They may see it as a form of love that the other person agrees with whatever they say. 

My theory is that a man goes from thought state A to thought state B in very few steps and does not broadcast each transition. But women having complex brains, go from A to A1 to A5 to A500 to A1000 etc etc and then arrive at B. All these intermediary states need to be broadcasted and talked about because they feel it. It is a mistake for the man to respond to each one of these states and that was what I was doing. So even if the middle states were faulty and ill-reasoned, the woman thought the man was being an a-hole by disagreeing with all these states.

Summary, it is best to let the woman deal with her issues herself. Only when it affects the family in a major way, should you step in. Only help when asked for, no unsolicited opinions.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

nirvana said:


> Yes, she's told me that she didn't want me "fixing" her problems. This is the default behavior of most men, especially engineers like myself who love to fix problems.
> 
> I feel bad when she is complaining because I want to ease her pain. Maybe I need to just grit my teeth and let her talk. It makes me feel like I don't give a damn about her problem but if that's what she wants...
> 
> I am probably guilty of giving unsolicited advice. And when I do, she probably feels that I am controlling.


It really depends what you are talking about. When it comes to the kids, my wife always thinks she knows best. Everything else is much easier to interject my opinion. Lately, I've been letting her make her own mistakes to prove a point. She will ask my opinion on something, I will tell her but not in a way that forces myself on her, let her make her own decision and then when she falls flat on her face,(IF that happens) I don't say "I told you so." What I do is pick her up and love her. 

Next time she'll value my opinion a little bit more, every time.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Good points, UMP.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Summary, it is best to let the woman deal with her issues herself. Only when it affects the family in a major way, should you step in. Only help when asked for, no unsolicited opinions."

By Jove! I think you've got it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Two win or even stay in the game you have to know which game you're playing. A conflict with the wife isn't a rationality contest. It's an emotional one. That's like running the most touchdowns and wondering why you lost the baseball game.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> two win or even stay in the game you have to know which game you're playing. A conflict with the wife isn't a rationality contest. It's an emotional one. That's like running the most touchdowns and wondering why you lost the baseball game.


great point !!!!!!


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Two win or even stay in the game you have to know which game you're playing. A conflict with the wife isn't a rationality contest. It's an emotional one. That's like running the most touchdowns and wondering why you lost the baseball game.


Well put!!

At least now I know what I need to do different. Much better than situations where I have no clue and results are still sheety.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

After reading your responses on another thread, I wonder if your wife feels like you that you are condescending toward her. Whatever her issue - you can do it better. 

You stated that she secretly fears you could try cooking a dish she is praised for making and you would be able to do it and be just as praised. 

You stated that she is "jealous" because you took over the laundry and can perform that task like a well oiled machine. 

So from those comments I think your wife probably feels like you are a "know it all". Doesn't matter what HER issue is she can state her issue and you will just say its not an issue, I can do that better than you OR you don't know how to do that "correctly" "efficiently" 

Your advice probably comes off irritating to her because basically whatever her issue is you seem to chalk it up to her being inferior or at least that is how she interprets it.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> like the word you used to refer to SAHM's last week...


Actually I never said anything at all about SAHMs. I never mentioned that term in my post.

I know working women that hand over their paychecks to men that control them with money and are dependent for handouts and have zero financial independence.

But people get insulted by what they identify with...particularly people who choose to live in denial.

For instance, if someone walked up to me and said "Your face looks puffy"...I wouldn't get irrational and silly and hear something that the other person didn't say. For instance, that they called me "fat." That's because I'm not irrational and I'm not overweight and therefore don't identify with that comment. However, a person who was overweight and sensitive about it might overreact and assume something was said that wasn't.

The reason that irrational people assume things are aren't said is because they know full well that they *identify* with the comment. They are EXACTLY what I described and they know it. 

I found the whole thing extremely amusing. Typical example of an irrational, silly, illogical straw-man argument and very in-line with this particular topic. This is exactly why I surround myself with intelligent, logical women in my life. The other kind are tiresome and annoying to deal with.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> She told me today that she doesn't like me "arguing" with her. For me, it is a discussion, not an argument, but she thinks I am being argumentative.
> 
> To my male mind, if I say 1 + 1 = 3 and the other person just listens and goes "umm hmm", I would be insulted because the other person didn't care enough to disagree. But maybe women in general and my wife in particular don't see it this way. They may see it as a form of love that the other person agrees with whatever they say.


I don't think its reasonable for you to just agree with nonsense.

It makes sense when you're in a relationship with another person that you solicit their opinion to aid in a fresh-eyes approach to decision making. Most of the time, if something comes up both my husband and I can come up with the solution on our own but when we run it by each other, we often come up with something extra to even make things smoother or easier. Two people working together in any situation are always greater than the sum of their parts.

Its not just about agreeing with her or listening to her whine without looking for solutions because while that may fulfill her needs, it certainly won't fulfill yours. Personally, I find it hard to respect people who complain endlessly without fixing their problems.

I truly believe you need to explain your motives to her (which is to help her). Maybe she just needs to be reminded that you're on her side.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You are absolutely too much Enigma Girl... you know exactly the word you used for a whole group of women..... Ha ha ha.. whatever you say honey.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> You are absolutely too much Enigma Girl... you know exactly the word you used for a whole group of women..... Ha ha ha.. whatever you say honey.


1. I'm not your "honey." Attempting to patronize me is pretty pointless.

2. Unless you can prove that I mentioned SAHMs-which I didn't, so you can't-you're directly proving my comments about irrational arguments. 

I'm not surprised that people that identified with the comment overreacted...they live in denial and put themselves in daily peril of them and their children becoming part of the underclass. The reality of the truth often hurts those who don't have the bravery to do better in life.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> After reading your responses on another thread, I wonder if your wife feels like you that you are condescending toward her. Whatever her issue - you can do it better.
> 
> You stated that she secretly fears you could try cooking a dish she is praised for making and you would be able to do it and be just as praised.
> 
> ...


You might be on to something here. 
I know she is smart and capable in many things, but maybe I am not communicating it correctly or coming down on her too hard on things she makes mistakes on. This definitely could be the case.

Like for example yesterday. Now that summer holidays are approaching, my wife is working now so this will be the first time we have to figure out what to do with the kids. We decided to hire an Indian nanny. So that means the kids are going to be with her for around 8 hours a day. So my wife is worried that they will get bored, so said this morning that she wants to "fill the house with toys so that the kids can play". In reality it doesn't work that way. My son will run off to play with his friends and daughter will read a book or play with her dolls. Just getting board games and keeping them around will not do it. 

My first reaction was to give a "practical" analysis and tell her this. But then, I bit my tongue and decided to just shut the hell up. She was just being a loving mom in her feelings at that moment and if I had put a spanner in the works, she would have gotten mad at me. Anyway, what will eventually play out will be different, maybe she will get a toy or two and the kids won't play with it and she will change her mind. So I guess I passed the first test.  

So coffee4me, I think you are on to something here. My wife is undoubtedly very intelligent (and very beautiful), but I think I have fallen short in making her feel that way though I have done the things I needed to from the action perspective.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

nirvana said:


> You might be on to something here.
> I know she is smart and capable in many things, but maybe I am not communicating it correctly or coming down on her too hard on things she makes mistakes on. This definitely could be the case.
> 
> Like for example yesterday. Now that summer holidays are approaching, my wife is working now so this will be the first time we have to figure out what to do with the kids. We decided to hire an Indian nanny. So that means the kids are going to be with her for around 8 hours a day. So my wife is worried that they will get bored, so said this morning that she wants to "fill the house with toys so that the kids can play". In reality it doesn't work that way. My son will run off to play with his friends and daughter will read a book or play with her dolls. Just getting board games and keeping them around will not do it.
> ...


Well done, 
One thing I would suggest is to have your "Indian" nanny speak her native tongue with your kids. They will eat it up and share some words with you. It's a great way to teach your kids how to learn other languages, while they are young. It's a skill that's programmed into them. The older they get, the harder it becomes.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

UMP,
There's a slight wrinkle. She speaks Gujarati and Hindi. While we can speak Hindi, we do not speak Gujarati. The kids can somewhat speak our native language which is different and English. 
But then I'll let the kids deal with this challenge!

I was for teaching my kids our native language but my wife was enamored by her friends speaking to their kids only in English and she was a SAHM so those habits stuck. Of course, she takes no blame for this.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've never met a woman who's ever wanted a man to fix her 'problems'. It's a minefield to try so don't.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Enigma-girl said:


> 1. I'm not your "honey." Attempting to patronize me is pretty pointless.
> 
> 2. Unless you can prove that I mentioned SAHMs-which I didn't, so you can't-you're directly proving my comments about irrational arguments.
> 
> I'm not surprised that people that identified with the comment overreacted...they live in denial and put themselves in daily peril of them and their children becoming part of the underclass. The reality of the truth often hurts those who don't have the bravery to do better in life.


Yes it was immature of me and patronizing to say "honey".. When I was a waitress. I much disliked when others called me "Honey"...I wanted to secretly smack them.. and really I never talk this way in real life.. unless I mean it in an endearing way to a close friend or my daughter, sometimes my husband even... 

You got a rise out of me.. feeling I was stereotyping women in a negative way.. which was never my intent..


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I've never met a woman who's ever wanted a man to fix her 'problems'. It's a minefield to try so don't.


Never really?

I've met women in my past that expected men to fix all their problems...especially their financial ones.

But I do know what you mean that sometimes people just want to complain. 

I have no issue with someone having to vent occasionally, that's normal. The type that I can't take are the ones that just want to b*&tch about everyone and everything constantly and aren't interested in ever fixing anything. People like that drive me nuts...they don't want solutions....they want you to sympathize with their whining. Its definitely an intolerable personality type.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I've met women in my past that expected men to fix all their problems...especially their financial ones.


I don't see that as their 'problem' so much as their goal.




> The type that I can't take are the ones that just want to b*&tch about everyone and everything constantly and aren't interested in ever fixing anything. People like that drive me nuts...they don't want solutions....they want you to sympathize with their whining. Its definitely an intolerable personality type.


I see people like that who, yes can be hard to swallow but also that's in part how they figure out the solutions to their own problems. They cry and whine and complain and complain but if you tune it out a bit and nod sagely then eventually they'll come around to whatever it is they decide to do about it. Now if they're attacking you personally, that's a different thing.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

I know exactly what you are going through. My ex-wife was just like that. There are feelers and there are thinkers. 

There's an awesome episode of south park where cartman tells a friend what to say to get a woman to like him. If I can find it i'll post it...

Yes, active listening. Pretend you are a therapist. Repeat things back and ask how does that make you feel. 

Have a bad memory or want browny points? If you have trouble remembering things keep a notepad or have an app on your phone to take notes.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Easy.

She opposes you on principle to score brownie points, not because your answer is practical. She is insecure and arguing with you and getting "her way" pumps her ego a bit.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I just got a super soaker and filled it with a mixture of water and insecticide to drive off the woodpeckers that are messing with my chimney. Is that practical?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I am not an engineer but can jury rig quite an array of "practical" solutions. I currently have a split gutter repaired with duct tape and zip ties :lol:. In my last house I had birds nest in a bathroom vent pipe deep inside the house. So I duct taped my leaf blower to an open cardboard box, placed the box over the bathroom vent, waited for the birds to leave, and blasted the nest...


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I can't believe we got to three pages without anyone linking this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg


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