# Goes to bed mad after months if reconciliation



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Those who know my story are aware that we nearly divorced after 4 months when she ran and seperated. She moved back in March and things have been slowly improving.

Not one fight or argument since she returned until tonight. 

It all stems from that we planned a vacation and talked about it and agreed to where we would go. She wanted to only do 4 days and I asked that we make it a week, since I haven't vacationed for a week in over two years. She agreed.

Well she comes back from two hours at her eye doctors tonight to tell me she scheduled an appointment on the Saturday at the end of the vacation week. This would mean I would have to drive us 8 hours home on the Friday, cutting the vacation week down. 

She got very upset when I said couldn't we have talked about it first. Then she played the this is very important to her card. BTW She spends more time with doctors than anyone I know. 

She stormed away and didn't want to talk about it. Then she said she wanted to go to bed and didn't want to talk about it. It was if she fell right back into her old pre-MC marriage workshop self.

If we can't talk about it nothing gets resolved and it allows her to bottle it back up and build resentment. I really didn't want for her to go to bed mad, but what can I do?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Is she addicted to prescription meds?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

It's completely irrational behavior or she's having an affair. Who after agreeing to go on vacation schedules an appointment so that the vacation gets cut short? Two hours at the eye doctor at night? Maybe you should find out where she really was.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Is she addicted to prescription meds?


No


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> It's completely irrational behavior or she's having an affair. Who after agreeing to go on vacation schedules an appointment so that the vacation gets cut short? Two hours at the eye doctor at night? Maybe you should find out where she really was.


No affair. I was with her when she scheduled the appointment and know they are trying to find special contacts that work for her. I remember early in our marriage noticing how she is over the top scheduling doctor appointments. She gets very defensive about it always claiming her illnesses are beyond normal. They actually seem normal to me and I have wondered at times if she has hypocondriac tenacies.

I think I was more looking for on advice about walking away and not talking about things not being helpful in the relationship.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Considering where your relationship once was I find it incredible that here eye doctor appointment is more important to her than spending time together on vacation. It appears that you are dealing with someone who might have some mental illness issues that need addressing.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> Considering where your relationship once was I find it incredible that here eye doctor appointment is more important to her than spending time together on vacation. It appears that you are dealing with someone who might have some mental illness issues that need addressing.


She gets wrapped up in her medical issues and has for years. Her doctor put her on a new drug and this morning she started pointing out all the issues she is having from the disclaimer.

Anyone with common sense knows that the disclaimer is mostly there to protect the drug company from lawsuits, than to point out what might actually happen to you. I am pretty certain guys are not walking around with erections lasting 4 hours.

We talked some this morning and she has calmed down a bit.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

This morning after it was obvious she did not want to appologies or talk about last night at all, I said that we need to talk about the ten thousand pound elephant in the room, meaning what happened that we are not talking about.

This has been her MO to not talk with me about issue, only others who will support her one sided revisionist history story. The build up resentment towards me and watch our marriage faulter.

She never wants to talk in the evening or morning which for a working couple leaves much unsaid. So I explained this and told her she will only start building up resentment if we do not talk. So she agreed.

She said it was me and what I said, which was very little. I said it has to be something more and she claim it was not, but then explained she has alot of stress at work, her Dad is in the hospital and her medical issues are all weighing on her. ??? I said it sounds like more than just me. She never agreed.

I used our short talk to say that I want us to bth be on the same team and that we have to communicate for our marriage to thrive. I think she appreciated it. 

One thing is clear. After all the work we did to make us better at communicating and conflict resolution, she fell right back into some nasty and damaging old habits.

I also wish I could get all of her many doctors into one room and ask them to stop feeding her medical obsessions.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

So what happens if you just let her go to bed angry at you?
Truly?
If you feel like she was very dismissive of your priorities, which is sure what it sounds like, what is the need to make up so fast? Does:
Wife being angry at you = you feel awful and need to resolve the argument?

I am going to hazard a guess - solely based on my W. When she is angry she needs me to respect her knee to work through it. Often after a day or two of me being cool to her - she realizes all on her own that she was out of line. Trying to accelerate that process is toxic for us. So I don't.

Is it possible she really didn't want 7 straight days of just the two of you? Doesn't mean she does not love you. Might mean you are crowding her and this was her way of wiggling out of a commit she didn't want from the get go. 


UOTE=This is me;968226]She gets wrapped up in her medical issues and has for years. Her doctor put her on a new drug and this morning she started pointing out all the issues she is having from the disclaimer.

Anyone with common sense knows that the disclaimer is mostly there to protect the drug company from lawsuits, than to point out what might actually happen to you. I am pretty certain guys are not walking around with erections lasting 4 hours.

We talked some this morning and she has calmed down a bit.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MEM,

I agree. The place we are going was very special to me and my family and haven't been there in 10 years. It is a longer drive and much more to see and do then the place we usually have gone for her, so for me only doing a long weekend was looking to be more work than play. So I pushed for the full week and it was obvious she was resisting.

I think in hindsight she does not want a full week alone with me there, just alone with me there and then here...Here she can fill her escape from me time with doctors visits and shopping. Did that sound harsh or just honest?

You may be right about giving her time to process it, but I am pretty certain if we did not address it before work, she would be looking for confirmation from her support group at her office, including that sister who has been so damaging to our marriage.

I found it interesting how out of control she was for the very short spat. I tried to view it as a spectator and not one so involved. She was raising her voice and got in my face, which was so provoking. I tried to point it out and make her realize what she was doing, but pretty certain from past events she will view herself as the victim and not the aggressor.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

What medical problems does she have that she needs all these doctors?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> What medical problems does she have that she needs all these doctors?


Sjogren's. I understand that auto-immune diseases can be real severe, like Crohns, Colitis, etc. But the majority of people in my experience have these diseases in a mild form. Like some people get cancer severely and others get it treated and live on.

In her case it seems like it is mostly under control, but she seems to look for something to be worried about. Like reading the disclaimer on a prescription and checking off everything she considers to be a result of it, she will read a book on Sjogrens and consider all the signs are due to the disease.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

You may be reading way too much into this. Just ask her. I know my wife. Nothing offends her more than to be made to feel ‘stupid’. She MUST be right and perfect. So, she’ll go off on tirades about this kind of thing. What it comes down to is my wife would have forgotten when we were returning and having me point this out would ‘make her’ feel stupid. At which point her horrible ‘coping mechanism’ kicks in and she’ll board the crazy train rather than face that she made a mistake. That is how she deals with shame and guilt. Out come the irrational justifications, quickly followed by me being an ass for not buying her lame justification, then the deflection (some new accusation to sidetrack the topic), and when she starts to ‘lose’ she’ll storm off and give me the silent treatment while brooding over how horrible I am....

So, I’ve developed my own unsavory tools to counter it. None of those tools involve me backing down or apologizing for her mistake or allowing her to shift blame onto me.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

TIM,
I know you are a good guy. I am going to give you context:

The single most illuminating thing my W ever said to me was: Stop fawning at me, I HATE when you do that. 

Said with absolute venom. She felt smothered. 


Your W becomes generally crazy - angry - tense - combative - when you overheat the marriage. My guess is that she always has. 

Your challenge is that - she then lets others get her spun up - you are trying to make up with her - and the VERY FACT that you are the one trying to make up - causes her to think that at some level she was justified. If she wasn't YOU wouldn't be trying to make up with her. 

The ONE TIME you actually dropped the temperature on her, she pursued you and got you to take her shopping. 

For lack of a better term - in gender reversed terms - this is close to the equivalent of:
The man starts an affair. Finally his W starts a 180. 

He does love her at some level. So he reacts strongly to the 180. He asks to comes over. She is SO happy that he is responding she says yes. He shows up and makes it clear that they can "hang out" - as long as she gives him oral sex. 

Notice - it is ALWAYS about him - and when she gives him what he wants it CONFIRMS their relative status in the relationship. 

Do you really not think I have to deal with some of this? I do. It is also true that my W - who is sometimes not honest about her depiction of events - knows that when she starts to get crazy - she starts to get EMAILS. Calm, low key emails that describe events in a puzzled - not sure why this happened way. 

But that is all predicated on TWO giant things:
1. I really truly respect my W's space. I do not crowd her. And because of that she is VERY good to me. She gets very high quality love from me. But I really do let her "set the pace/temperature"

2. I will not be treated in a hateful manner - and then have someone do a stare down and demand I apologize. I DO go into a lite 180 when that happens. Which is why it is rare. Crowded - she would do that a lot. 

But I don't evaluate my W based on her "potential" for bad behavior. I simply respond to what she actually does. And if she is getting firm/and mild under-loving from me, she is generally great. 





This is me said:


> MEM,
> 
> I agree. The place we are going was very special to me and my family and haven't been there in 10 years. It is a longer drive and much more to see and do then the place we usually have gone for her, so for me only doing a long weekend was looking to be more work than play. So I pushed for the full week and it was obvious she was resisting.
> 
> ...


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Thanks for the feedback and food for though Racer and MEM.

As vacation day gets closer, the more I want to defuse any tension. Vacations should be relaxing and joyous, but this has happened before with her making it less than fun.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

TIM,
This is really important - there are lots of little things that don't seem connected but are. 

Now - THIS may seem harsh - it isn't meant to be - it is actually just unfiltered truth. My W is wired to emotionally overpower. To some degree she has succeeded. 

I don't know how common/rare this is. I simply know it is true - about her. The list below happens rarely - because I have learned to respond on pretty close to autopilot. Not always - but mostly. But if I have a catalog of them - they can't be all that rare can they? 

And I could almost eliminate them - but I have found from trial and error (mostly error) that I cannot change her core trait, which is being "wired to overpower". And as that is the cause, and an immutable cause, the only way to eliminate the symptoms entirely is to be unloving/indifferent enough and critical enough of her to create fear anxiety and a feeling of unworthiness. 

In aggregate this TOTALLY stops all mischief of one kind or another. And she walks around on eggshells, asking for reassurance and apologizing. 

I do not consider that a remotely acceptable situation. It is abusive. 

As for the list: There are many things that seem to be little - which are all part of the same theme. In aggregate they all say/mean the same thing. I am more important than you are. You are less important than I am. You are unimportant. Your time, your money, your feelings are all much less important than mine are. Screaming at someone - in their face - can ONLY be safe when both parties acknowledge the innate superiority of the screamer. 




MEM11363 said:


> TIM,
> I know you are a good guy. I am going to give you context:
> 
> The single most illuminating thing my W ever said to me was: Stop fawning at me, I HATE when you do that.
> ...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

This is me said:


> I really didn't want for her to go to bed mad, but what can I do?


You spoil her a little too much as far as I understand.

When it's her fault, you should stop caring if she goes to bed mad or not.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> You spoil her a little too much as far as I understand.
> 
> When it's her fault, you should stop caring if she goes to bed mad or not.


Well she went to bed mad and I crawled in later and held her and she held my hand. I said I am sorry. I got what I wanted, we did not fall asleep mad and there was some expression of love, which is what should be the over riding message between a couple in a marriage.

Part of me said to be the bigger person about this, as I tried to be when she went wayward. By being an example a true leader should be.

I know I spoil her too much and I am getting the message here and will try to ween her off of being treated like a princess.

BTW Lovelygirl, I found your tag line very interesting. At the lowest point when she had walked away 6 months ago, she called me all of those things, jealous, controlling and insecure. While she was having lunches with younger single guys, seperated without notice and told me she wanted a divorce without a clue. I think my emotions were normal.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MEM,

So after dinner I was sitting thinking about what you had written and thought to play it cool and do a soft 180. Got up to do something and she came up behind me and gave me a hug. This is far from normal for her. 

Gracias.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

TIM - I think you both did great! As they say with most learning...'two steps forward and one back"

Lets face it... it's difficult for grown ups to learn new stuff. We tend to want to slip back into old comfortable patterns...back to what we know. Which is what your wife did.

But YOU kept up the NEW way of doing things...

You pointed out that elephant... opened up communication and worked it out. 

Well done! :smthumbup:

Remember the marriages that are strong and successful aren't great because of a lack of problems and issues... they still have these same issues as everyone else. It's all about how they deal with them... how they communicate and treat each other.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Thank you waiwera! I appreciate the confirmation and encouragement. 

She just told me the doctor took her off the new drug. I am now wondering if that was playing with her emotions and part of the reason she was reading the disclaimers. You would think she would offer that up but I understand how pride and ego can get in the way. 

We have come a very long way over the past couple of years. we should always be learning how to better ourselves and our marriage.

Best wishes!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This,
You are doing great. Truly. Your W loves you. If you give her space, true space. Not space filled with anger - which is simply a hot form of love - real space - her love will express itself very naturally. The post below is from last spring. I wrote it with a couple days - so it is as close to verbatim as you can get sans a video camera. 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
A few nights ago.....

We had a great evening, I made and cleaned up dinner. Afterwards I helped with a landscaping project my W designed in the backyard. It looks great. 

At 9:30 we finish working in the yard I ask if there is anything else I can do. She says no. I decide to walk the dogs and go out to let her know so she can decide whether to join me. 

As I come up to her she says to me in an irritated voice "I just shut the hatch" in my car since you forgot. I am thinking "hmmm - I made and cleaned up dinner and spent an hour with you on the yard - you are very welcome.". I don't say any of that and instead respond with an even tone "I am going to walk the dogs - want to come"? 

She responds as usual when declining a walk, very contrite: "I am sorry, I know I should come with you, is it ok if I don't". I come back with "Babe, after the huge workout you just got closing the hatch there is no way I would expect you to walk 2-3 miles". So she gives me a wicked smile - throws a few light punches at me while laughing and I leave. So I leave and she is clearly laughing/happy.

Come back an hour later walk into the bathroom say hello and get brief but very hostile body language. Internally I feel a surge of anger. WTF - I leave the house and the emo temperature is at a balmy 85 - and return an hour later to freezing rain. Frankly I am not dressed for it. I don't say a word. I get in the shower and she starts talking like everything is normal. I respond briefly and am "neutral". Not my normal warm vibe - just flat. 

We get in bed and now I am getting the super friendly, super loving treatment. She thanks me for dinner/cleaning up. Thanks me for helping with the yard. So I figure - damn - so much for my pseudo telepathy - maybe it was just a "bad read" - and I "imagined" the hostility thing. An hour later after a steady emotional steam sauna of near 100 degrees she is drifting off to sleep and says quietly "sorry for being such a biitch when you first got back from your walk". I just said "I love you" and we went to sleep. 

Ten years ago - that non-verbal sucker punch I got walking into the bathroom would have produced an instant and volcanic response and a complete melt down on both sides.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>






This is me said:


> MEM,
> 
> So after dinner I was sitting thinking about what you had written and thought to play it cool and do a soft 180. Got up to do something and she came up behind me and gave me a hug. This is far from normal for her.
> 
> Gracias.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Another giant step forward in the world of "This Is Me". 

"her making it tense and anxious - this has happened before..."

Good - you are perceiving patterns. Patterns are beautiful - they are the basis for most of my "steering". 

I want you to think about trying something that may perhaps shift your dynamic with your W. 

Break your vacation days up like this:
- At least one part of every day YOU select an activity that you like and she does not like. Pick a time for doing it that is not disruptive to the rest of the day. And then:
(H) Tomorrow I am going to go spelunking in the afternoon - for an hour or so. 
If she says "sounds good enjoy" - then go enjoy. 

If she says "I don't like to do X" - then respond with: I know, I didn't expect you to come. Enjoy your book while I am gone - or go for a walk/run. Some activity she likes - that can be/or she typically does alone. 

If she says "Why are you doing that?" do not say - so you can be alone/away from me for a while. 

If she says "Why are you doing that?" Reply with:
I like spelunking - it's cosy down there with all those snakes, spiders and whatever other scary things one conjures up in the dark. And then just smile. End of conversation. 

If she suddenly uses a fabricated schedule conflict: I thought you were going to - or you promised to (when you made so much promise) do x,y,z with me. Just smile and come back with:
And we will, maybe the day after tomorrow. 

If you get more resistance - again smiling - looking puzzled - if it is THAT important to you (this is teasing - so tease playfully and carefully) we can do x,y,z in the morning - but we need to be back by such and such time. And pick a time that is a good HOUR or more earlier than you really need. 

No matter what - stay the course - be clever - be fun - if it turns out that she NEEDS to do abc in the morning and xyz in the afternoon - making it IMPOSSIBLE for you to do your bit - then come back with: gosh - I must be getting really forgetful. Didn't realize I had promised you the whole day. Sure hope I leave a trail of bread crumbs behind me in the cave. 

And then don't engage further. Don't tell her you aren't doing both. Because this is no longer a conversation about anything other than her NEED for you to NOT do something you both know she doesn't like. Basically - she likes to be the one being chased even though it kills desire and makes her tense/aggressive with you. 

And if she gets angry - she is getting angry with you for showing some independence. That is OK - in fact - after she gets over her initial angry reaction she will feel a desire to touch you. 

REPEAT that process through out the week. LET her be angry it is OK - she will love you MORE. And even better will respect you more. 











This is me said:


> Thanks for the feedback and food for though Racer and MEM.
> 
> As vacation day gets closer, the more I want to defuse any tension. Vacations should be relaxing and joyous, but this has happened before with her making it less than fun.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

This is me said:


> If we can't talk about it nothing gets resolved and it allows her to bottle it back up and build resentment. I really didn't want for her to go to bed mad, but what can I do?


Not much you can do. Although it's not what you want, her going to bed mad is better than a lot of other things she might do.

Why don't you ask her to reschedule her appointment?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

TIM,
The first 2 years of my relationship with my W were very much like this. The one big advantage I had was work - when my W got crowded/hostile (I didn't realize at the time it was because I was crowding her) I worked more and was home less. 

It may be that your path to a healthy, happy marriage depends on this one area. 

It is ok for your W to be angry at you. I know that you know some level of conflict/anger is normal in a marriage. 

I think you should talk to a counselor about the dynamic you have. Because you can fix this by yourself.

In general: You KNOW you are the hotter partner. And you know that she reacts badly to being crowded. 

So when you push for MORE time together and she is pushing for LESS you are going to have conflict. I have done exactly what you did which is - use the logic related to the logistics of the vacation as the basis for the duration. 

It doesn't change her anxiety about being together more than she is comfortable. So you push for more time (warmth) she pushes for less (cool) and the next thing she knows you are talking about how far away it is - which is a completely different dimension of life. The most concise version of this sequence goes like this:

You: I want more time together (warm)
Her: I want less (cool)
You: We have to spend that much time together because (practical logistics)
Her: (a week or two later) We CANT spend that much time together (LOGISTICS: doctor appointment)
You: Angry about her being too cool (nothing colder than deprioritizing your partner)
Her: Angry about being pressured in the first place - now getting aggressive with you
You: Pressing hard for her to kiss and makeup on your timeline


You talk about her bottling resentment. I am sure we all do some of that. Is it possible she feels like you are trying very hard to get her to love you more, and not allowing her to be angry at you longer than you and a "counselor" have agreed. 







This is me said:


> Well she went to bed mad and I crawled in later and held her and she held my hand. I said I am sorry. I got what I wanted, we did not fall asleep mad and there was some expression of love, which is what should be the over riding message between a couple in a marriage.
> 
> Part of me said to be the bigger person about this, as I tried to be when she went wayward. By being an example a true leader should be.
> 
> ...


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