# Marital Dilemmas...



## jlv (Feb 10, 2011)

Well, I'm in need of advice.

I am 29, and been married for 5 years as of last August.

Ever since I met my wife she has been a full time student. She is finally about to complete her schooling and start to work full time.

Up until November of last year we lived together and I worked full time in the town where we lived. In November I started a new job that is about an hour and a half away, so during the week I stay at a family members house rent free.

She has to stay there at the other house because of school, both her's, and our daughter's.

I have been having depression problems lately, missing my wife and child. We see each other on the weekends. Our daughter is 6 years old. My wife was a few months pregnant when I met her and my daughter has been my daughter through and through ever since I met my wife, even when we were dating. The biological father is not in the picture (he committed suicide shortly after the child was born. She has never met him nor does she yet know about him)

She's always had a problem with not answering the phone when I call or responding to text messages. It's started bothering me lately more and more, worrying about if something might be going wrong, or whatever.

We also used to skype every night and talk but recently she's stopped wanting to sit in front of the computer.

Last week we went out to a bar that we both like to visit because some of our friends are in a band there. I got jealous of her spending time with her friends that all showed up and kind of just sat there feeling depressed.

For Christmas this year I bought her a set of Mikimoto Pearl earrings. When she opened them, she said "Pearls? Why Pearls?" ... that was the VERY first thing she said.

When we're together on the days we can be together, I constantly want sex. I'm ridiculously attracted to my wife. I cheated on her prior to marriage, and after about a year, it was killing me, so I admitted it to her, we went to counseling, the counselor said "You're a man, get over it"... but we worked it out and stayed together. I've never wanted anyone else. That mistake was a really bad drunken experience that I will regret forever.

I feel like there is something major I am doing or not doing that is obviously causing these issues. Is my depression just brought on by myself? What should I do to remedy this mess?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Whats not clear from reading your post is just how much your depression is clouding your reality. Hard to tell if things are really all that bad, or if that's just how you see them.

Are you seeing a therapist or on any medication? Are you being treated for your depression?


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

You say that when you are together you always want sex but you do not cover if you get it. You go right into the affair. Are they related? Does the sex make you remember? or is she turning you down? I'm thinking there is a piece of the puzzle that would help missing.

It sounds like you both might not be getting what you need. You can get through that if you are both AWARE that the need is there, not being met, and understand that it is a sacrifice you are making as a couple. Without the understanding and awareness you end up in my shoes. You can't expect anybody to read minds.

If you have more info that would help. Not that I am good for real advise but I am good for bouncing ideas


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## jlv (Feb 10, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Whats not clear from reading your post is just how much your depression is clouding your reality. Hard to tell if things are really all that bad, or if that's just how you see them.
> 
> Are you seeing a therapist or on any medication? Are you being treated for your depression?


I'm sure my depression is causing quite the large cloud. I am not seeing a therapist nor taking medication. The last therapist we went to, told me straight to my face - "You're the man, deal with it" and so I've been reluctant to see another one. I realize that she was full of crap, but it's a bad memory. I probably do need medication, but I can also say that I've never had a depression problem until recently, after I moved away for a new job... which, I guess I can fill in some blank spots here...

I took this job in my wife's hometown, so she could move back home and be around her childhood friends and back where she wants to be. We knew that she'd have to stay back for the rest of the school year to finish her school.

In my previous job, I was very unhappy. I had an extremely bad work experience that I think no one should have to deal with. I had a childish boss who took his frustrations of his wife out on me. He'd throw stuff, scream, cuss, and the higher ups knew about it and did nothing. I had to get out of there. That job was causing problems at home....so this new job came at a really good time.



> You say that when you are together you always want sex but you do not cover if you get it. You go right into the affair. Are they related? Does the sex make you remember? or is she turning you down? I'm thinking there is a piece of the puzzle that would help missing.
> 
> It sounds like you both might not be getting what you need. You can get through that if you are both AWARE that the need is there, not being met, and understand that it is a sacrifice you are making as a couple. Without the understanding and awareness you end up in my shoes. You can't expect anybody to read minds.
> 
> If you have more info that would help. Not that I am good for real advise but I am good for bouncing ideas


99% of the time I do get as much sex as I want. She very rarely says no, and sometimes will even dress up or do extra "stuff" all on her own, without me asking... but then a day or two later will complain that I am making her into a sex object - generally after I'm back at work for the week.

At Christmas this year, I found out she had friended an old boyfriend on facebook, the guy she gave her virginity to, and had messaged him a couple times, and even called him once. She said she hadn't seen or talked to him in 8 or so years and felt like she needed to "find something out about herself" ... Prior to this, we both knew each others facebook passwords and email passwords, but after I confronted her about it and told her I didn't like that relationship and thought it should be 100% completely over, she changed her passwords and said she would end the relationship.

This whole unappreciative thing, like the earrings, has been going on for a little while. She's never happy with the stuff I do for her or the things I get her and doesn't say "thank you" or anything until after I get upset because her initial response was something negative.


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## jlv (Feb 10, 2011)

Well. I planned out a nice awesome weekend for us, and it went well... until the ride home that is...

We stayed in a Sheraton King Club Suite, had a couples massage, ate dinner at the Medieval Times, shopped at the Galleria... it was fun on saturday.

Sunday, we're on the way home - 3 hour drive - and we start talking about the way everything is going and it eventually breaks down into her telling me some things that happened that aren't very good.

She had friended a single male on facebook that I had given her crap about. They began messaging each other back and forth, and eventually got pretty erotic. Thursday, they met up at the local starbucks for coffee. She says that's as far as it went. Saturday morning before we left she sent him a message about how much she missed him and blew him a kiss.... and then spent the weekend with me.

She says that nothing physical has happened. I feel violated in a way that I cannot even begin to describe. 

In her message sent out saturday morning, she made some comments about how she needed to get through the weekend without killing me and how she would be emotionally drained... 

She admitted all this to me in the car. I told her I was extremely disappointed that she had been hiding things from me. Up until about a month ago, when this all started happening, we both knew everything about each other. There were no hidden passwords, everything was in the open. When I started giving her a hard time about the single guy on facebook, the passwords all quickly got changed.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

This qualifies as a shix test.

If you can raise your game, it will ensure your best possible chance at success.

Be glad you found out now. She clearly wanted you to find out - which is why she's telling you.

It's a fitness test of the relationship - and of you as her man.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

So basically you "moved out" to work and she's started seeing other people. Where's the point of confusion?

Note that she _let_ you "move out". That's the root of the current **** testing.

Obviously you have to move home.


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## jlv (Feb 10, 2011)

The day after she told me what she had done, and let me read the messages, which was this past monday, she went and met him at a raunch motel, had sex with him, gave him $100 so he could drive across the state to buy some drugs, and then that evening I caught her chatting on the phone with him when I came home unexpectedly. She had been telling me she wasnt talking with him anymore or on the phone at all. I caught her red handed and she spilled the beans.

I'm willing to move home, go to counseling, and try to work this out.

I suppose my next question is, will I ever be able to touch her again? Will I ever be able to excite her again? She told me the sex was really good and told me a lot of details. I'm pretty certain I'm destined to live a sexless life now.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

When she tells you about all the details of their meetings, it kinda sounds like she's bragging. Is that the feeling you get?
Is she getting something sexual from telling you the details?
From what you wrote, it really doesn't seem like she wants to seperate from you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

jlv said:


> The day after she told me what she had done, and let me read the messages, which was this past monday, she went and met him at a raunch motel, had sex with him, gave him $100 so he could drive across the state to buy some drugs, and then that evening I caught her chatting on the phone with him when I came home unexpectedly. She had been telling me she wasnt talking with him anymore or on the phone at all. I caught her red handed and she spilled the beans.
> 
> I'm willing to move home, go to counseling, and try to work this out.
> 
> I suppose my next question is, will I ever be able to touch her again? Will I ever be able to excite her again? She told me the sex was really good and told me a lot of details. I'm pretty certain I'm destined to live a sexless life now.


This is all purposely to hurt you and break you as a man.

Just kick her out. Then see what happens.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jlv,

She needs to understand what she's risking.

Atholk's suggestion has great merit.

She needs the "cold shower" of experiencing the logical consequences of what she's doing.

Then you can see where you are.

Think about this.

Now you've just discovered all these things. These are not "disagreements", these are actual events. You have lies, infidelity, and subterfuge.

So... 'move back home and be nice'?

In other words, you're going to reward what she's done?


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