# feels like just a big mistake



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

This was actually a response i made to another post but i decided to start a new thread with it.


I always and continue to have second thoughts about divorce. second, third, forth, fifth, sixth and so on. which is why i am still married. Some times i catch myself in a loop, thinking and rethinking and thinking again. which is when i got on this site because i couldnt make heads or tails on if i was just blowing it out of portion or if i was right in my assuption that my husband was doing me wrong.

You are also correct in the fact that it hasnt gotten any better and that is why i havent been online for a while. But i will try to answer or address all your concerns.

I am not so much worried that this will happen if i get married again, I believe the only reason THIS is happening now is because he is not stepping up and doing his part. he is not trying to make it work at all no matter what suggestions i try, or what i ask of him or beg or plead or threaten. he just walks around silently for a few weeks then acts like nothing happened and it is just like any old other day and we didnt just fight about whatever it was we fought over. AND then he also doesnt try to make it up or better, and eventually will do whatever it is again. I am just so tired of being sick and tired and disgusted at him. I am willing to give in but i cant make this work and do everything by myself. i have talked til i was blue but i am talking to a brick wall.

In fact things have gotten worse if that was even possible. Our problem is not about his job. It is the best job in this small area that he can do with his HS degree. He doesnt complain about it, he just uses as An Excuse so that when i ask him to do something or why hasnt he done something {mow the grass, fix the fence, ....} He says quotation Well, I work. Which my response is, EVERYONE works. The people who have nice yards and clean houses, work. That has nothing to do with WHY you cant or havent mowed the grass or whatever. I work too and we are doing well with whatever income we have because i am good with money and i do the finances. I have asked him to take some classes or even go back to school in order for him to get a job that HE wants to do. But HE DOESNT Want to go back to school or take classes and he doesnt have a lot of options open to him with just a HS degree. So that is that. And i dont care anymore. Everyone works, many people hate their job, sh*t i HATE my job. but that doesnt mean you come home and hurt the people you love or excuses you from doing things to make your family and home good.

Apparently i am just too much for him. I want too much or expect too much and i am too smart for hiim to give his pisspoor excuses and be satisfied with a half azz living. Yes, I am sure that because i know what i know about things that he does not, {ie How to put in sheetrock} that in a way it makes him feel stupid or inadequate. HOWEVER.... i dont try to shove it down his throat, or belittle him for not know. I give him credit for trying. The only thing that i DO hold against him, is that he uses his not knowing as An Excuse for not doing it at all. And it doesnt hold water for me.... Not knowing how to do something is NOT a good reason not to get it done. I am a female, and have been all my life. I didnt have any brothers so my dad taught us girls how to do things. With that i learned just because i am a girl, doesnt mean i cant fix a tire, change the oil, mow the grass, build a house, chop wood etc. I also learned that if i dont know how to do something, I learn. I ask questions, have someone show me, read a book or take a class. I find it enlightening to learn a new thing and enjoy not only the learning process but in doing something myself. I take pride in doing it. However, my husband does not. He doesnt want to learn, read a book or grow mentally in any way. He not only doesnt want to learn ANYTHING but also has no pride in ANYTHING. I just cant live that way anymore. Its not that i give a sh*t what people think {i am way too strong and secure for that} but in a way i dont want to give people a reason to talk or think badly or poorly about me either. If that makes sense... like oh, mrsvain's yard is overgrown with weeds, or her children are a bunch of brats, or there are broken toys everywhere or dirty faces and clothes. to me that is just not acceptable, but i found out apparently it is for him.


i could care less why he drinks so much anymore. To me, he is just being plain selfish. I mean if you knew that your drinking was causing someone so much pain, you would stop OR AT LEAST Try to stop. He used to be better when we were first married. And he CAN and HAS gone without drinking for years, but for whatever reason he started again and continues to use it as AN Excuse......I dont believe it a genetic influence or care if he is that stressed by life. We are all stressed. H*ll, i have been stressed to the limit for the last 3 years. So Whatever. You cant hide your problems by getting drunk, the problems will still be there in the morning and you still have to deal with them with a headache. The thing is that he used to try not to drink so much but now he doesnt care. And i cant do anything to change his mind, i was supportive when he got HIS SECOND dwi last year but he got worse. i havent actually been saying anything when he comes home drunk, and it has gotten worse. And i think i have gotten to the point that i dont care anymore. Just as long as he doesnt come home and start drama in front of my children. I dont believe it is healthy for the kids to see that.

You are right, he doesnt beat me and he does work and come home. However, he doesnt support me, he doesnt take care of me {or care about me}, the children, the house or home. the vehicles, the yard, the plugged drain, the fence, the wood, the hole in the ground that anyone can trip into and sue us, the bills, the food, the cooking and cleaning. He also doesnt appreciate that i DO everything. All he has to do is wake up, take a shower {because i pay the water bill, and make sure there is soap/shampoo, and electric is a paid for hot water and towels are clean and put up}, get dressed {because he has never had to worry about clean underwear or clothes since i make sure the laundry is done, folded and put up every week}, eat something and have coffee {because i make sure i have groceries every week}, And go to work. During the day, I take the 4 children to their schools {which i make sure there is gas and check the oil/trans/tires so the truck runs well} and pay all the bills either online or in town. Clean, laundry, yard, and if i am lucky i can get to the sh*t that is breaking down or needs tending in the house. {still working on windows for 5 years, still havent finished the sheetrock from taking out the wall furnances when we got the central heat/air}. Then when he comes home, recently 1 hour 1/2 after he gets off, because he needs to _relax by driving around with his friend drinking a beer or two_.{which i told him was stupid because he is on probabtion for the dwi and cant be caught drinking, and his reply was its not like i am the one driving, ugh} He walks around in circles trying to "LOOK" busy because before i would get mad but i havent actually said anything for over a year. So he might put a load of clothes from the washer to the dryer and the clothes from the dryer piled on the couch. {because he knows i will fold, hangup and put them away} Sometimes, he grills dinner {after i have thawed and put out the food}, or he might go to his garage, {where i have busted him just sitting there reading a magazine or just doing nothing}. Recently, my 22 yr old has been asking him to help her do alot of things. Somethings he takes off with friend and i never know if he is coming home in an hour, 4 hours, for dinner, or at all. Sometimes i have to ask him for his help, and he acts like an azz and a 2 year old while doing it. I put up with this because i need it done. Most of the time, he just sits down and watches tv. Then i feed dinner to the kids, help with homework, fight with kids to put their clothes up and take a bath, and put everyone to bed. When he goes to bed, he just takes off his clothes, and gets into bed, and falls asleep {because he works in the morning}. I have to put up the food {sometimes he does this} wash the dishes {or they wait till tomorrow}, check the children, fix the air conditioner, put water in himidifiers, check children again, go to bed, get up to turn off all the lights, lock all the doors, throw out the cats, go to bed, get up to give the one water, and tuck back into bed, pick up the clothes off the floor, go to bed and maybe go to sleep. to give credit where credit is due, he does sometimes help me with the homework, bathing and bed routine, but it usually ends up with someone in tears and even if not, he doesnt do it often enough because well, he works and he has to go to sleep.

Our problem is that he is selfish, inconsiderate and uncaring. He puts himself first before anyone or anything else. He has no initative, or forward thinking. He doesnt care if the house is breaking all around us, the screen door did not shut properly for a year and 3 months, or if the vehicles run well {actually i asked him to check the oil on the truck about 6-7 months ago and was told why do i have to do it, its not like i am driving the truck, WTF}. He isnt worried if the children arent home or if they are coming home, or out running the streets. He is unreliable and undependable. He lies to me about small insignifigant things to the point that i dont believe anything he says then gets mad if i ask him simple questions like why are you getting home at 540 when you clock out at 4? Which i used to think was just a simple, casual wifey nonthreatening question, but i guess not. And forget me trying to ask the hard stuff, i get abosolute silence. He hides things and does things behind my back. 

But i think this sentence will explain it all, when i am crying in bed, be it because i am overwhelmed, frustrated, hurt or in pain, right next to him with all the children asleep {which is the only time i do cry}. But i will be crying right next to him, and i KNOW he is not asleep, he will just roll over, but his back to me and go to sleep. no comfort, no questions, doesnt concern or bother him. 

And i cant take it anymore, i give up. i actually told him to move out {still havent taken that divorce step yet} last monday, but he hasnt moved and hasnt really done anything to change {he said he would}. i know i will either have to yell and cause a scene {drama in front of the kids will not work for me} or i will have to go find him a place to stay, pack his clothes, take it whereever, change the checking {his paycheck is automactically deposited} and make him move. Right now i am in self-preservation mode. I accepted a full time postion, and looking for a daycare for the youngest. to go to after his half-day preschool. i am also reconfiguring the bills and trying to get everything paid off {have been for a year now, almost there} And i am just living day by day. 

i actually have no idea where to go from here. I have no clue how to get him out of the house, and dont really know where to start the divorce. But fear not. i will learn as days go by and i am certain one of these days, it will happen. Until then, i just deal with what i can. Funny thing is, there is still some very small part of me that hopes he will pull his head out. But that is only a shadow of hope and i dont depend on it, And he is slowly killing what little bit of love i still have for him. It sucks. I hate it, we have such a great thing going, we have a wonderful family and home. But i just cant make him see that and i dont think he will change. I dont think i am asking anything usual, just want him to be the man, the husband and dad he was when we first got married. It is like the world has grown up, moved and changed since Oct 2001, everything but him. In fact, he regresses and i have no desire to be his mother. All i want is someone to love me, care for me, make me feel appreciated {i dont even mind doing most of this stuff}, wanted and desired. Someone i can depend on when the sh*t hits the fan or things go bad, he doesnt have to know or be able to fix everything but at least be supportive and take some of this weight off my shoulders. Someone who can comfort me when i hurt and pick me up when i have doubts. But i guess that is asking too much.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I feel for you.. you seem like in my shoes.. My wife works but thats it.. Does very little around house or kids. She does have a decent income when she works but her job is seasonal.. I refuse to accept it any more. If my marriage is going to work in the future it will be with more help.. I am determined to get her help. maybe he needs a little more motivation?? We are creatures of habit and change brings a fear of the unknown.. He doesn't sound very bad just nothing to him.. I guess it will come down to how much you can withstand..


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

when i try to motivate him, i was told i was brow beating, hen picking, and or rail roading him. He tells me i nag him no matter how i try to get him to do something either with the children or house. {he doesnt say this all the time but if he doesnt say it then he has a bad attitude, the times that he actually does it willingly is few and far between and i dont think i have ever seen him do it cheerfully} He once told me that he felt like i bombard him as soon as he walks in the door, which i actually was because i was waiting for hours to get this thing done, so i appologized and tried to rethink my demands. So i changed it waiting on his days off, then would talk to him about the thing i wanted done (ie i took off all the storm windows, we need to move them to the shed becuase i dont know how long it will take me to finish the windows {been 4 years so far}) but that didnt work, because he would agree with me and even pitch in ideas, but instead of waiting hours i was now waiting weeks or months or years (it was actually a year and half with the storm windows after months of me asking in every which way for him to put them up and finally doing it myself and every f*cking window is broken) and i am not sappose to get mad at stuff like that. 

He is not very bad, just nothing to him is correct. He wants to do as little as possible. and i cant do it by myself anymore. I have withstanded a horrible 3 years, 2 fair, getting by years and 2 good years. i am tired, exhausted and drained {both mentally and physically} of doing it all myself.

like i said, i have talked, beg, pleaded, cried and threatened to get him to pull his head out. and i get nothing. i am willing to compromise but there is only so much a person can do. as it is i am letting things go that used to be unacceptable to me. I am the one who continues to change, and not all good either, he never changes. i dont even like the person i am anymore but i am who and what i am because of he doesnt do it and i cant just let it go. 

for some odd reason, i have to pay the bills on time, i have to fed, clothe, bath and raise the children well, i have to have a clean house and would like the screen door to shut properly when closed. also i have to fix the window CORRECTly when the ball goes thru it and make sure we have wood for the fireplace in the winter {it is our only heat source in the living room}. I would like to patch the holes in the wall, tecture, and paint so it looks nice and at some time i would like the whole 3 city lots fenced in so i dont have to worry about my children running out in the street or stray dogs getting in the yard, or someone stealing my wood, or 4 fourwheelers. this has been almost 6 years (next may) that we have lived here and i have 3 sides almost done, 2 came with the house done. 

but apparently he could care less, i mean you know he works.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Lets do a spouse swap.. We could have your husband and my wife spend a week together and watch both of them point fingers asking the other if they are going to do anything. Then they both sit and stare.. It would be classic.. It's a total reversal of spouses we have. I can't tell you how much of what you say is the same.. Take a look at my post if you don't believe me..


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

so today i ended up cleaning out my closet. it is not what i planned on doing and happened by accident after i went to go put something in the safe and found that the husband had put the 4th of july parade candy in the safe {well, i did say to put it somewhere the children couldnt get it}. My closet is not a small closet, it is like 4 x 20 feet so had a lot of stuff in there. Stuff that shouldnt have been there in the first place, everything that the husband decided that needed to be put up, not correctly mind you. found 2 bags of trash. and my bed was covered and you couldnt see the floor for all the junk.
i did really good, if i do say so, worked on it from 10 till 5. I put things in the places where they are sappose to go. and had 90% of it done before i had to go to a headstart meeting for the youngest. after i got home from the meeting, i fizzed out. the few things that were left were nothing to horrible. just like 3 small piles of odds and ends that needed to find a home or figure out where they belonged. 
so the husband starts acting like an azzhole. pissing me off. acting like it was such a mess or something. he puts it all in one pile and dumps most of it in the spare room, which is another room i need to get to. most of what pissed me off was his attitude. I havent figured out if it was the stuff i left {till tomorrrow} or the fact that i wasnt doing anything but watching tv. the youngest has been super whiney lately, i guess he is not adjusting to school well and then next week he will be in headstart in the morning and daycare, which i still need to find. so i am sure he will get even more whiney. i dont do whiney well, plus for some reason he thinks that he should get everything he wants, so if the older boy has a toy he starts whiney and crying to get it. i send him to his bed until he stops crying. so that was going on tonight and i wasnt doing anything about it {except telling the little one that he can not have the toy and if he is going to cry then he can go to bed, which he does well} So i guess the husband figures he was doing everything, just because he kicked the soccarball around with the children for a while and was helping the older boy do homework. {in the same room i sent the crying child to}, so it might had been that.
thing is he never says anything to me, just starts acting like an azzhole. so i tell my oldest, 22 years old, is it just me or is he upset that i cleaned out the closet. she says it is the mess you left behind after you cleaned the closet. my response was OMG, if you all had seen it before 4 you wouldnt think this was anything either.
so now he is in bed, youngest fell right to sleep {which was 90-% of his problem} and i am here venting my frustrations, anger and hurt. 
just waiting for the next quiet time {without children around} to ask him again when he is going to leave because i am tired of being treated like sh*t. he just doest get it. his idea of making it work....doing the dishes and taking some laundry out of the dryer. Meanwhile, the fence is still not done, the hole is still in the front of the house, the sheetrock is still not finished........etc, etc, etc
i am so tired


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