# Wife or mother....



## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

She will say, "Mom, Dad & I are going to Jimmy's for dinner. You can come with us, if you want.". It doesn't matter if she is with her parents, her sister, or standing right in front of me. It's always "You can come with us.", or "You can join us." or "You can come with me.", followed by "If you want." I feel like I have just been given permission and that it really doesn't matter to her whether I go or not, and she feels that she has just invited me.

When I go to my brother's (10 minutes away), my friend's (1 hour away), my mother's (3 hours away), or any other place for that matter, she always calls within minutes of my arrival. I will answer with , "Hey baby!". She will reply with, "Where are you?", and then most of the time immediately follow with, "When will you be home?". This makes me feel like I need to obtain permission to go anywhere, and that she's checking up on me. It happens every time I go anywhere without her. I constantly feel like I am to be either with her, or at home. She doesn't care what those I'm with think when she does this, yet I'm the one that has to deal with their questions.

Recently, after spending an exessively hot Saturday working in the backyard while she was shopping and lunching with her sister, she came home and she promptly asked me what I had done. When I filled her in, her reply was, "Is that all?" It instantly put me on the defensive and made me feel like I have to account for every minute she's away from me. She even recently commented upon returning from several hours of shopping, "I guess I'll have to drag you around with me because it never looks like anything has been done." When I get upset with her response, her reply is always, "I'm kidding!" This also happens during serious conversations. I told her I would like to be able to go see my brother maybe a couple times a week, and maybe have a drink or two. Her response was, "Now I'll have to worry whether you can drive home or not." When I threw my hands up in the air and asked her why I even bother, she said, "I'm kidding!" I'm having a serious talk with her and to me she doesn't take it serious.

I married her to be my wife, but more and more I feel like I'm her son, not her husband.

Please give me your thoughts.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Have you told her what you're telling us? Have you laid out the facts and said to her "honey, I feel like you treat me with no respect, no regards to my feelings, and as a child"...followed by specific examples?

If so, then since she has continued to treat you this way.... do you call her out on it every time? Because she may have gotten so used to doing it that she doesn't even realize she's doing it anymore.

When she does it, make it a point to tell her.

Have you guys had any trust issues in the past? Clearly she doesn't trust you.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

She testing you every day, and seems like a control thing. I know how you feel. 

It just boggles your mind every time I bet...and I'm sure you say to yourself, why can't she just be normal. 

It sounds like she is treating you like a son. And that is what gives her the power over you. And to say "just kidding" is her "out". That way she thinks you can't get mad if she is just kidding. 
I am trying to think of a solution but with someone like your wife it's going to take her wanting to change. And for someone to give up "power" like she feels, won't be easy. 

But you need to address it in calm way. Like a after dinner talk or a nice walk with just the two of you. She probably does not even realize she is doing it, it's just second nature to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

She is likely treating you the way she knows. The way she learned this behavior. Its even possible shes not aware of it, although she could be too. Talk with her tell her how it makes you feel.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

I can remember being treated like a daughter - in my parent's house.

As I got older, I began to assert my independence. I stopped "asking" and started "telling". For example, instead of asking if I can go somewhere, I would simply inform my parents I was going to be somewhere. It was a courtesy and not a decision for which I needed permission.

In my opinion, the OP needs to begin to assert some independence. "I am going to my brother's house. I will be gone for a couple of hours. I will be back at (time)". Period. End of discussion. Should she have an alternate proposition, then would be the time to say something. You don't need her permission to visit your brother. You simple owe her the common courtesy of informing her of where you will be and when you will return. She can join you if she wishes.

As for work done around the house that she claims to not be pleased with the progress, perhaps if she had helped it would have been done sooner?

The point is for the OP to assert himself. He is not her son, her child, or in any way subservient to her. He is her equal and should be treated as such. Although she may be comfortable with the way things are, obviously he is not, so it up to him to make some changes and not "accept" being treated like a child. As one does with parents once one is old enough, the same holds true for spouses who want to "parent" their partners.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

@ Ano, I have mentioned it several times over the years. I started by being calm and trying to explain. Over time I have become more vocal. Recently she has gotten worse even after I tell her how I feel.

As far as trust, she says she trusts me completely, yet she clearly shows she doesn't. I have not given her reason, but her ex had by cheating on her. Am I to continue to suffer due to the sins of others?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Src,
You could fix this in a month. When she says "you can come with us" just smile and say "thanks not (today / tonight) I have some stuff to do". And when she challenges you, be playful - "don't worry I won't burn the house down". Other than that don't answer.

And: "I am going to my brothers house next Wednesday for a few hours, will be home by 9 pm (give yourself lots of extra time so you don't have to rush, and also won't be late returning). If she likes to forget stuff you told her, send an email or a text. 

You are trying to be nice, and in doing so are conveying a subtle series of requests for her permission. In a way you are treating her like your mom, as much as she is greatly you like her son



srcrr1 said:


> She will say, "Mom, Dad & I are going to Jimmy's for dinner. You can come with us, if you want.". It doesn't matter if she is with her parents, her sister, or standing right in front of me. It's always "You can come with us.", or "You can join us." or "You can come with me.", followed by "If you want." I feel like I have just been given permission and that it really doesn't matter to her whether I go or not, and she feels that she has just invited me.
> 
> When I go to my brother's (10 minutes away), my friend's (1 hour away), my mother's (3 hours away), or any other place for that matter, she always calls within minutes of my arrival. I will answer with , "Hey baby!". She will reply with, "Where are you?", and then most of the time immediately follow with, "When will you be home?". This makes me feel like I need to obtain permission to go anywhere, and that she's checking up on me. It happens every time I go anywhere without her. I constantly feel like I am to be either with her, or at home. She doesn't care what those I'm with think when she does this, yet I'm the one that has to deal with their questions.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

How can I assert my independence, which happens to be something I value, when she calls me minutes after getting to my destination? If I don't answer, she was call over and over until I do answer where I will be greeted with, "Where the Hell have you been?", in an angry voice.

I need time away from my wife. She has no problem going out with family or friends for shopping and having herself a good ol' time, and I'm left feeling housebound and having to account for every minute. I told her I feel more like her son and not her equal. Yet the way she looks at things, it's either black or white, on or off, up or down, left or right. She can neither see nor understand life is not yes or no. Life is full of maybe.

She came right out and asked me if I want a divorce. I told her emphatically, "No!". Even though I have absolutely nothing to gain but my independence, and will lose everything else, I find myself reconsidering my response.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

srcrr1 said:


> How can I assert my independence, which happens to be something I value, when she calls me minutes after getting to my destination? If I don't answer, she was call over and over until I do answer where I will be greeted with, "Where the Hell have you been?", in an angry voice.


Turn the ringer off, and keep the phone in your pocket. Tell her to text you if there is an emergency and check it periodically. If she gives you attitude when you finally do communicate, tell her you do not want to be spoken to that way any more.

You do not have to be available 24/7 to her.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

srcrr1 said:


> How can I assert my independence, which happens to be something I value, when she calls me minutes after getting to my destination? If I don't answer, she was call over and over until I do answer where I will be greeted with, "Where the Hell have you been?", in an angry voice.


Does she do this even if you told her where you were going before you left?

It is just common courtesy to let you wife know where you are. You shouldn't have to ask for permission, but you should be communicating with her.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

Sam,
I do tell her where I'm going, and I tell her how long I will be if I know in advance. It does no good. Last week I told her I was going over my brothers. I had been there only 14 minutes when she called to ask me where I was. I had been gone for less than 1/2 and hour and she's checking up on me. I have mentioned time and time again that I do not like being checked up on. She'll stop for a short while... a very short while, but she always reverts back. Do I start calling her mom the way her father calls her mother mom?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

You mentioned her mother treats her father this way? If she grew up witnessing this behavior, she may just think it is normal and not really understand to behave another way. 

Marraige counseling?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When you get to your brothers, send her a text saying: "Arrived at my brothers, see you at ?:00pm". When you head for home, send her another text saying, "Just leaving to head home, see you in ?0 minutes".

This wouldn't take much effort and would put her mind at ease.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

Marriage counceling? I asked her last week if she wants to see a counselor. Her response... "If you want."

IF I WANT?! IF I WANT?!

Any yes or no question the answer is always the same. "If you want."


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

srcrr1 said:


> Marriage counceling? I asked her last week if she wants to see a counselor. Her response... "If you want."
> 
> IF I WANT?! IF I WANT?!
> 
> Any yes or no question the answer is always the same. "If you want."


So, why do you need a yes or no answer from her? Say "Yes, I do want us to see a counselor...that is why I mentioned it." And make the appointment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

srcrr1 said:


> @ Ano, I have mentioned it several times over the years. I started by being calm and trying to explain. Over time I have become more vocal. Recently she has gotten worse even after I tell her how I feel.
> 
> As far as trust, she says she trusts me completely, yet she clearly shows she doesn't. I have not given her reason, but her ex had by cheating on her. Am I to continue to suffer due to the sins of others?


It is not right for you to be punished for her exs mistakes.

Since you do point it out to her and she doesn't listen, maybe try a different tactic. 

Next time she pulls this over the phone, don't giver her an answer. Firmly say that you are done being treated like a child and hang up the phone.

When she does it in person, tell her that it is never enough for her. You either aren't doing enough..or you get interrogated about every minute of your free time and you're tired of being treated this way. Pick up your keys before she has a chance to talk and walk out the front door and leave for a while.

I know that running away from your problems isn't the best. But since talking hasn't work. Its the only other option besides counseling or leaving her.

Stop her in her tracks. Shock her. Put your foot down and physically show her that she is driving you away.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

Let me describe one recent morning.

Due to my snoring, and she being a light sleeper, we sleep in separate rooms. She also leaves for work about 90 minutes before I do, so she wakes me before leaving. My door opened and I heard the following:

"I just cleaned up that bureau a few days ago, but you wouldn't know it. Eric and I are having dinner tonight at six. You can join us, if you want. There's no way you can handle 3 yards of topsoil by yourself!" Kiss and out she went. 

I was left shaking my head and wondering what did I do to deserve that. First of all, the bureau had some clothes on it... that she put there the day before. Secondly, Eric is her son. She was telling me I could join them for dinner... in our house, at our dinner table! Thirdly, I have a wheelbarrow and shovels, so I can regulate how much topsoil I move at any given time.

My day was off to a fantastic start before my feet even hit the floor.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Look in her eyes and tell her you are not a child and that you will no longer tolerate her treating you like one. Tell her you are a grown man and unless she can get some help for her controlling ways, you are out the door. Oh and BTW, if you tell her you're out the door if she doesn't stop/get help, and then you don't actually follow through, then she will likely just laugh, so in order for her to take you seriously you need to follow through on what you say.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

I wish it were that easy CallaLily. When we get into it about this, I have nowhere to go. My brother is suffering from chronic depression and is generally either asleep or has his phone off. The only reliable method of contact is by email. All my friends from my younger days are no help. Most of them care more about drinking, smoking or snorting, so consequently my friends are through my wife. Cousins? Not when they're still living at home. What a useless bunch! My mother? Three hours away, although we do talk on the phone. Because I have nowhere to go, I ended up driving aimlessly for 75 miles last week after being given permission to go to my brother's. While driving I tried to call him and even stopped by his apartment, but as I said before, that was of no use when his head is buried in pillows. So I turned to the anonimity of the internet and this forum in particular. It actually got to the point the other day that I told her to go back to her controlling ways and just allow me to live miserably with her because I would rather do that than live any other way without her. So as Meatloaf says, I'm waiting for the end of time, to hurry up and arrive..........


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scr,
You cannot assert any rights in a marriage if you are ruled by fear. When you get somewhere and she calls,'let it roll to voice mail' and send her a short text - I am at my brothers, see you tonight.
But you need to have a short conversation where you ask questions and say very little:
- why do you call and ask when I am coming home when I visit friends?
When she denies it or minimizes it - says she doesn't do it that often
- since we disagree about what is said and how often, let's agree to use texting for one 
month - I will text so you know where I am going - as a courtesy to you - and I will let you know what time I will be home by - if I get delayed I will tell you
- I will attend some friend/family events with you - but will not attend any where my invite is "you can come if you want to". If you want me to come, ask me "would you like to join us"?

You have zero chance of a healthy marriage if you are not willing to calmly, firmly assert yourself. And that means not allowing your wife to yell/scream abuse you during this transition. Just walk away and then don't speak to her until she can control her emotions.




UOTE=srcrr1;896130]How can I assert my independence, which happens to be something I value, when she calls me minutes after getting to my destination? If I don't answer, she was call over and over until I do answer where I will be greeted with, "Where the Hell have you been?", in an angry voice.

I need time away from my wife. She has no problem going out with family or friends for shopping and having herself a good ol' time, and I'm left feeling housebound and having to account for every minute. I told her I feel more like her son and not her equal. Yet the way she looks at things, it's either black or white, on or off, up or down, left or right. She can neither see nor understand life is not yes or no. Life is full of maybe.

She came right out and asked me if I want a divorce. I told her emphatically, "No!". Even though I have absolutely nothing to gain but my independence, and will lose everything else, I find myself reconsidering my response.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

Let me clue everyone into one fact I have had to endure for more than 20 years. She, like her mother take any critique.... even when done costructively, as a personal attack. I will rearrange the dishwasher to get maximum efficiency from the machine, yet she will think it's about how she loaded it. I have left it alone several times, then scraped the food left behind. 

I am one to say I maintain the house, and she maintains the home. I do 90% of the cooking. I help with laundry, yardwork, vacuuming and everything else that goes into maintaining the home except for paying the bills. I have always felt it was a fair distribution of work, yet she finds reason to complain about me not helping with the bills. But I am helping by getting over 7 hours OT in my paycheck. But that doesn't seem to mean much.

Yeah I'm screwed..... BIG TIME!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You cannot improve the marriage unless you are willing to risk losing it. 
Are you willing to risk that? If not, this will never improve at all. 



srcrr1 said:


> Let me clue everyone into one fact I have had to endure for more than 20 years. She, like her mother take any critique.... even when done costructively, as a personal attack. I will rearrange the dishwasher to get maximum efficiency from the machine, yet she will think it's about how she loaded it. I have left it alone several times, then scraped the food left behind.
> 
> I am one to say I maintain the house, and she maintains the home. I do 90% of the cooking. I help with laundry, yardwork, vacuuming and everything else that goes into maintaining the home except for paying the bills. I have always felt it was a fair distribution of work, yet she finds reason to complain about me not helping with the bills. But I am helping by getting over 7 hours OT in my paycheck. But that doesn't seem to mean much.
> 
> Yeah I'm screwed..... BIG TIME!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Everything that has been suggested to you, you have shot down with an EXCUSE, not a reason, an *EXCUSE* as to why you can't do it. Stop it! Look her in the eye and tell her to KNOCK IT OFF! You are NOT her child, TELL HER TO STOP TREATING you like one! And, at the same time, stop ACTING like her child. By sitting back and doing NOTHING about it, you are ALLOWING it to continue. 

Talk to your brother. Don't give details. Just tell him there may be a point in the near future you may need a place to crash for a couple days, and ask if you could stay there. I'm sure he will figure out what it's about right away, without you giving details. I'm guessing he would be one who says "It's about damn time!" too!

Now, stop catering to her every whim and stand up to her mothering. Also, regarding the housebound bs...seriously? If YOU aren't allowed to go anywhere, then SHE isn't either! WTF????


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Oh brother. This guy will not accept any advice at all. He just wants it fixed. 

Now, let's be clear on one thing. OP, this is YOUR fault. YOU are allowing her to treat you like a child. She does it because you're not acting like a MAN. Time to grow a pair.

And I agree with MEM. If you're not willing to risk losing the relationship then she's in charge. She's holding all the cards and you just have to live with it.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

Am I willing to risk everything? Yes I am, but with absolutely no place to go and not being able to afford living on my own while sharing my paycheck with my wife for joint expenses, my only solution is either to assert myself and get nowhere, or seclude myself in my bedroom. 

While parked for a few minutes during my 75 mile drive I composed the following on my phone:

I have no friends
I have no wife.
I have two mothers,
What a wonderful life.

While that seems sad enough, the truly sad part is I has nobody to text it to. Not a single soul.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

I'm reading your advise, and no.... I do not just want it fixed. She willl not understand. I walked out the other day. She threatened to take her dog and leave me with the other two. That's fine, but where would she go? Straight to her parents. Then their next step would be to confront me. I would get all the blame and she would get a "thyere, there". She sees NO MIDDLE GROUND PEOPLE!!!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

srcrr1 said:


> Am I willing to risk everything? Yes I am, but with absolutely no place to go and not being able to afford living on my own while sharing my paycheck with my wife for joint expenses, my only solution is either to assert myself and get nowhere, or seclude myself in my bedroom.
> 
> While parked for a few minutes during my 75 mile drive I composed the following on my phone:
> 
> ...


Yes you do... the woman you married. The woman who is supposed to be your wife, not your mother. So...get some friends. As others have suggested, GO to your brother's. GO somewhere. I would assume you had friends before you married? What happened to them? Did they drift away when they saw you wilting under her control? Because, really, that is waht this is...controlling. Now, get out, make friends, visit family...TURN THE RINGER OFF when with family. But most of all, STOP making excuses!


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

Living on your own means you stop sharing your paycheck with her. Children don't contribute to the finances. If she wants to have you as a child, then she needs to stop taking your money. Then use your paycheck to live on your own.
So far it hasn't sounded like you've taken any ACTION to change your status quo. Do something, anything , just DO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

srcrr1 said:


> I'm reading your advise, and no.... I do not just want it fixed. She willl not understand. I walked out the other day. She threatened to take her dog and leave me with the other two. That's fine, but where would she go? Straight to her parents. Then their next step would be to confront me. I would get all the blame and she would get a "thyere, there". She sees NO MIDDLE GROUND PEOPLE!!!


At this point why would you care what they said to her? Does it really matter? At the very least you would be free of this nonsense. When you're around her she makes you feel bad. Why continue that?


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

I have been trying for a week to get a hold of my brother. Here is the last thing I heard from him. 

"I have been in bed since yesterday morning with a migraine. I can't help it if you call while I am sleeping.
I know that you are having a bad time right now but you aren;t the only one. I will call you when I am feeling better!"

That was exactly one week ago. No replies to my knocking, calling or emailing. I need to be able to talk to him and he has become like those who were my friends when I was single...... USELESS!

If my responses sound like excuses, please forgive me. I have been trying for years to have a normal marriage. I watch my temper. I do more around the house to help her, yet she is unable to learn, unwilling to learn, or both when it comes to maintaining the physical house such as changing an outlet, rebuilding the basement bathroom, installing a railing, ect.

I have explained more often than I care to count that I do not feel like an equal. Does it improve? Maybe for a few days.... but that's it.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

Maricha, I did show her my poem. When I asked what she thought about it, she said the same thing she's been saying all along. 

"I don't know what to say."


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

When talking doesn't work it's time for action.

What have you done to show her that how she treats you is unacceptable?


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

I appreciate what everybody is trying to do. I really do. I know I'm dealing with what she learned from the dysfunctional family she grew up in. She was constantly beat for things her sister did, and they never directed the discipline where it rightly belonged. In the nearly fifty years that my wife can remember, she has never heard her mother say "I love you" to her father. Her surviving sister is much like her and can't see the difference between permission and invitation. Her late sister is the one she was always getting beat for. My wife had always seen herself as her sister's protector, and blames herself when her sister wrapped her van around a tree four years ago, crushing everything from the chest up. Her maternal grandmother was a miserable woman that made everyone around her miserable, and even refused to recognize her own daughter's marriage and family. Yes, I married into one screwed up family. I've been dealing with this for a long time, and for the same amount of time have been trying to help my wife. Often she has been on the verge of emotional breakdowns and who has been the one to hold her together? Me. Yet when I ask who is going to hold me together, I get the same old response. "I don't know what to say." So I turned to this forum when I see out futile my future looks, and what do I get? "Everything that has been suggested to you, you have shot down with an EXCUSE, not a reason, an EXCUSE as to why you can't do it." and "Oh brother. This guy will not accept any advice at all. He just wants it fixed."

Thanks!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I've been dealing with this for a long time, and for the same amount of time have been trying to help my wife. Often she has been on the verge of emotional breakdowns and who has been the one to hold her together? Me. Yet when I ask who is going to hold me together, I get the same old response.


You can be a martyr for your marriage or you can cease the pity party and really do something to help YOURSELF.

So she had a tough childhood? I don't know many people that haven't, myself included. I don't Lord that over my husband though and insist he deal with my crappy attitude because of it... he wasn't there and had nothing to do with how I was treated. Not only that, but I'm an adult now... and I KNOW better. When you know better you DO better. Or at least you should. Your childhood isn't an excuse to be an azz.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

It sounds like you've got trouble diffferentiating between "helping" people and "saving" people. You call it help, but help only exists when it's a more/less temporary or fixable issue. You knew your wife was troubled, and a lot stemmed from DEEP family issues. You've enjoyed the role of healer and emotional caretaker, or you wouldn't have married her. 
This relationship is not going to change. You cannot "save" her from these emotional issues, no matter how much you rationalize how much your "help" has done over the years. You either need to accept you will be in a thankless emotional caretaker role or get out of the relationship.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why don't you tune her out altogether for a while? (I used mental imagery with my ex.... I put on my "sh*t shield" so whatever stupid crap he harped about would just roll off and not stick to me...ya know?)

Find something to join.... a group/hobby/whatever. Bowling league? Dart league? Volunteer in the community. Find SOMETHING to do that involves interacting with other people. It gives you an instant "something in common". Take a course at the local community college that you might find interesting... do some things for YOU. 

You can't change her. And she doesn't want to hear what your problem is, or doesn't know how to change. You CAN change you. You take actions to take CONTROL of your life. YOU can get counseling, you don't need her for that. It might help to get updated input on dealing with yourself, your wife, and the 
marriage. 

You think of a Plan B that doesn't include your brother. He doesn't want to be there for you ....for whatever reason. 

IF she threatens to leave, let her. That solves your problem of where you could leave to. Also, get involved with the bill paying. You should be aware of where your money goes and how it goes. Especially since that is one reason you don't think you can leave. So what if her family blames you... you already know that they are dysfunctional and won't understand the whole thing anyway...blow them off. YOU know your truths. 

You don't have to stomp your feet and bellow at her about your feelings. You've stated them, that went nowhere, so now YOU have to figure out what YOU can do to even figure out if this will be tolerable or miserable. 

You don't HAVE to be miserable, but it doesn't go away by itself.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

She says that she will try harder because life without me is something she doesn't want to face. An attempt at making creamed chipped beef for dinner did not go well. That's why I do the vast majority of the cooking. I do want this marriage to survive. Since she does seem to only know the extremes, I'm hoping she doesn't try to become sickening sweet. Our community paper comes out in a few days. I'll look for activities to get me out of the house and who knows.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Src,
I think your idea to look for activities is great. You will also make friends doing that which is important to your mental health. 

How long have you two been married? Do you have children together? Do you have any of your own? She have her own?

Does she have a job?

Why would you have to continue sharing your paycheck if you divorce? 

You really don't have to get divorced. You simply need to learn how to ignore your W when she is disrespectful to you. And I mean really ignore her. Don't react. And then go out and do stuff that you enjoy and TURN YOUR PHONE OFF. She will know why you did that. And she will get angry the first few times. Just tell her: I will no longer allow you to be disrespectful and then get "mad at me" for refusing to tolerate it. If you continue to do so, I will:
- spend less and less time with you, 
- put less and less effort into home improvements/repairs
- talk to you less/listen to you less when I am home

If you dislike that outcome you may:
- make an effort to treat me the way I treat you AND
- when you make a mistake - say you are SORRY - like I do, when I make a mistake





srcrr1 said:


> She says that she will try harder because life without me is something she doesn't want to face. An attempt at making creamed chipped beef for dinner did not go well. That's why I do the vast majority of the cooking. I do want this marriage to survive. Since she does seem to only know the extremes, I'm hoping she doesn't try to become sickening sweet. Our community paper comes out in a few days. I'll look for activities to get me out of the house and who knows.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

Mem,
We have been married for 19 1/2 years. This problem really started about 8 years ago when her son graduated high school. Ever since, she has transfered her wanting to take care someone from him to me. After the death of her sister four years ago, she became more obsessed with taking care of me, even though I gave her no indication I needed it. She has the one son from a previous marriage, and I have no children of my own. Together we have no children, but our dogs are our children to us. By the time we met, she had both fallopian tubes removed, one due to an ectopic pregnancy, and the other to disease. So once again she could have misplaced her desire to take care of children and instead thought she needed to take care of me. 

She does have a job, after a long period of unemployment due to corporate downsizing, and her job actually becoming obsolete. Last year I lost my job for the same reason and hers a month later, so for a period of 3 1/2 months, unemployment was our only income, which forced us to refinance our 15 year mortgage into a 30 year. I supported her desire to go back to school to learn a new career, and after much searching, she found a position after being out of work for seven months. Unfortunately, there was a bit of culture shock as she had been working from home for 14 years before being let go. She now works in an office, with a boss who will compliment you then immediately follow the compliment with however, or but, or something else to instantly turn the positive comment into a negative. Not to mention she's still on probation and has been informed that if her speed and accuracy don't improve in the next 30 days, she will be out of a job. Yes, I know she is under a lot of stress. But these days, aren't we all?

I do not want to get a divorce. I love my wife more than she can ever imagine, but she really can't see the need to miss each other. That is something she learned from her mother as she drags her husband everywhere without asking if he even wants to go. For my sanity, I need to miss her, and hopefully she will realize that needing to get away from her is not a bad thing.

I do sincerely hope the suggestions offered here help, and I do appreciate everyone's input.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

On a side note, we did an exercise from one of the advertisers on this forum. It was a knowledge assessment that asks questions ranging from favorite color to sexual positions. Although my 75% isn't considered spectacular by the author, my wife's score of 43% told her she really doesn't know me and needs to pay a lot more attention.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Can you at least go to counseling for yourself so you have a neutral, 3rd party to talk to about your situation? Even a few sessions would do you good, it sounds like!


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

srcrr1 said:


> I'm reading your advise, and no.... I do not just want it fixed. She willl not understand. I walked out the other day. She threatened to take her dog and leave me with the other two. That's fine, but where would she go? Straight to her parents. Then their next step would be to confront me. I would get all the blame and she would get a "thyere, there". She sees NO MIDDLE GROUND PEOPLE!!!




Sorry bro, but you're in really bad shape. I've seen this before many times. It's clear that you have subconsciously given your wife all the power in the relationship because you really can't handle anything yourself. She knows this and treats you like a child. You can either manup or suffer the rest of your life with this controlling women. I think you secretly enjoy the abuse, but are afraid to admit it. You need a new hobbie or maybe you should start volunteering somewhere to get away. If you can spend some time away from your wife to get your head straight you should do it immediately. You need someone to reteach you what it means to be a man and then you can decide if your marriage is salvageable.

Peace


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You can't fix her or change her, but you can change and fix yourself. I will say, if you get to a point where you have just had it, and enough is enough, you may just have to walk. If you work, save up some money here and there, consult a lawyer, and go from there.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

Calla, I don't want a divorce. She is not a mean woman. In fact, she is very loving, and that's the point. She can be too loving. Like I said before, she knows no middle ground, only the extremes. Try to teach someone to compromise when they aren't even familiar with the concept is challenging. Marriage too is challenging. 

I once loved a woman so much that when she felt she wasn't ready, I walked away. She regrets that decision to this day. I asked for advice so I would not live with regrets, yet blowhards like nerd are the type to poke a stick at an injured animal.

I have a lot of time and energy invested in this marriage. This is to me an opportunity for both of us to learn and grow. I did my stomping and kicking and screaming. I needed to vent, and for nearly a solid week I did. She sees me now from a whole new perspective. She realizes that she doesn't know me as well as she should and that I know her better than she knows herself. Sure, most of the fireworks were done when I started this thread. But I started it anyway to get the thoughts of others. I needed to turn to people who don't know me because I needed to know what they thought. Friends and acquaintances are generally very reluctant to get into this type of subject. I thank each and every one of you, say for one, and I don't think I need to mention nerd's name.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

srcrr1 said:


> Calla, I don't want a divorce. She is not a mean woman. In fact, she is very loving, and that's the point. She can be too loving. Like I said before, she knows no middle ground, only the extremes. Try to teach someone to compromise when they aren't even familiar with the concept is challenging. Marriage too is challenging.
> 
> I once loved a woman so much that when she felt she wasn't ready, I walked away. She regrets that decision to this day. I asked for advice so I would not live with regrets, yet blowhards like nerd are the type to poke a stick at an injured animal.
> 
> I have a lot of time and energy invested in this marriage. This is to me an opportunity for both of us to learn and grow. I did my stomping and kicking and screaming. I needed to vent, and for nearly a solid week I did. She sees me now from a whole new perspective. She realizes that she doesn't know me as well as she should and that I know her better than she knows herself. Sure, most of the fireworks were done when I started this thread. But I started it anyway to get the thoughts of others. I needed to turn to people who don't know me because I needed to know what they thought. Friends and acquaintances are generally very reluctant to get into this type of subject. I thank each and every one of you, say for one, and I don't think I need to mention nerd's name.


This nerd is not offended by your rationalizations. I think your in denial about how controlling your wife is and can tell from your extensive and sometimes irrational explainations that you don't have any self esteem.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

Nerd,
My wife is not as controlling as you think. If I led you to believe that, that was not my intention. 

She is making a conscious effort to give me space... a concept she has difficulty with because her ex was almost never home. As I said before, she understands only the extremes and not a middle ground. 

As far as self esteem, I do question my abilities on occasion. But after successfully passing the CompTIA A+ exam, my state health insurance exams, and at my prior job developing processes that increased production by 300% with fewer employees, self esteem is not a big issue.

Now until you take the time to me the person, and not what you read in my writings, which have always been wordy, is it really fair to categorize me?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

srcrr1 said:


> Nerd,
> My wife is not as controlling as you think. If I led you to believe that, that was not my intention.
> 
> She is making a conscious effort to give me space... a concept she has difficulty with because her ex was almost never home. As I said before, she understands only the extremes and not a middle ground.
> ...



My comments to you were based on how you described your wife calling and asking where you were at all the time. That's super controlling behavior that you allowed to continue by your own description. Most American men that I hang out with would not put with this garbage, but I suspect your Indian and there may be cultural differences. Not sure. 

I'm a Manufacturing and Equipment Engineer and have increased production on many processess in SE Asia. I've also done some software testing during my career, but I don't write code. I've been around technical types from many cultures for the last 20 years. Just because you passed an A+ cert or some insurance test doesn't mean you have self esteem in your personal life. It fact, most software engineers I've been around have been very beta men sexually speaking. Not all, but most. Your writings are very beta and your views on your wife's behavior are those of a very beaten down man. Its not about what you say to your wife. Its about your actions when she becomes controlling. Your words are useless unless they are backed up by consistant actions showing you won't tolerate being controlled or manipulated. This is what you aren't getting at the moment. You'll talk about this until your dead, but I think you'll never understand. This the pattern I see over and over with men like you.


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## srcrr1 (Jul 10, 2012)

My wife had off yesterday, and after running errands, she brought me lunch a work. Enjoyed a nice relaxing time. Went over my brother's last for a couple hours or so. I even turned my phone off and by the time I got home, she was in bed, asleep. While talking with my brother, we decided it was time to break out our grandfather's old Lionel trains and set up a Christmas garden. It's been 8 years since the last one.


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