# What is Happening with Our Girls?



## LoveBeingFemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Hi, we have four children--all teens or pre-teens. The stories that my daughter tells me about what goes on at school just floors me. I am glad that she wants to talk to me about it, and I'm trying to guide her through this, but I feel like I'm at a loss.

My biggest concern is the language used. Not that boys don't use rough language, but I have repeatedly mentioned to my daughter that foul language is absolutely unnecessary and extremely unfeminine. I think she gets very tired of the girls around her using the "b" word or other profanity on a daily basis in conversation. Of course, when we're bombarded with it through the media, it's hard not to hear it. She has managed to speak up for herself and tell others that it's really not necessary to use such language. I know this is going to "alienate" her somehow. And it's very pervasive amongst her classmates, so it's not like she can just tune it out. 

The other concern is the locker room antics, especially with phones. One of the girls was trying to reach her mother (calling her while in the locker room), was unable to get ahold of her, and then immediately started calling her mother every name in the book. I knew who she was referring to and discussed with my daughter that this particular girl didn't exactly have a good role model in her life. Our daughter also told me that one of the girls had grabbed another girl's phone and was taking a picture (turns out the girl was pretending to take a picture) and our daughter turned around and turned away from the camera as she was either getting ready for PE or getting ready to go back to class. There's no supervision in the locker room. 

And then there's the fighting, picking on each other, and just the constant meanness.

What are you all doing to guide your daughters through this trying period??


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

LoveBeingFemale said:


> Hi, we have four children--all teens or pre-teens. The stories that my daughter tells me about what goes on at school just floors me. I am glad that she wants to talk to me about it, and I'm trying to guide her through this, but I feel like I'm at a loss.
> 
> My biggest concern is the language used. Not that boys don't use rough language, but I have repeatedly mentioned to my daughter that foul language is absolutely unnecessary and extremely unfeminine. I think she gets very tired of the girls around her using the "b" word or other profanity on a daily basis in conversation. Of course, when we're bombarded with it through the media, it's hard not to hear it. She has managed to speak up for herself and tell others that it's really not necessary to use such language. I know this is going to "alienate" her somehow. And it's very pervasive amongst her classmates, so it's not like she can just tune it out.
> 
> ...


My kids are in Christian school, and it's small, so less of this goes on. Teachers are able to stay on top of it more, and of course Christian values are taught. Still, a few months ago, I saw the F word in a text conversation on my daughter's phone (14). She was just trying to fit in, I realize this, but we told her that is just ugly and, like you, just not lady-like to use that language. She can't help it if her friends do, and I do not expect her to be the language police, but she doesn't have to participate. She's "cool" in so many other ways! Thankfully my daughter has distanced herself from her former best friend who became very catty and gossipy (which is a shame b/c I really like this girl and she's even a pastor's kid). She has a great group of 4 friends, including her.....they are so uniquely different from each other but just really good kids. 

I think the most important part is to just keep the lines of communication open. One thing my parents, especially dad, did so right with us (twins) growing up was that he always asked what was going on with us and our friends and we felt very free to talk to him and my mom about who was doing what we didn't approve of, etc., but we knew they'd never "tattle" unless the friend was in danger or whatever. It opened up communication to the things we knew we'd be in HUGE trouble for if we ever did them (he had three rules: no smoking/drinking, no making fun of of anyone ever especially for physical things like acne, and no food fights.....he was really strict about that last one but I don't really know why!)

Hang in there....sounds like you're doing a good job.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I did a lot of praying. Young girls can be so very cruel to one another. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't. I have just one daughter and I was so very thankful when we made it through the teen years. I just tried to guide her as best I could and talked to her whenever she would open up. It sounds like you and your daughter have a great relationship. Try to nurture that and be there for her and hope for the best. 

If I'd had more than one girl, I think I would have sent them to a boarding school - far, far away..........


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

FrenchFry said:


> My kid is 4, so I can't be helpful there.
> 
> I was that bad, cussing teenager so here is my perspective from that angle:
> 
> ...


Agree with all of this. I assume the school must have a phones-off-during-the-day policy, don't they?


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

What is going on? 



LoveBeingFemale said:


> when we're bombarded with it through the media, it's hard not to hear it.
> 
> it's very pervasive amongst her classmates, so it's not like she can just tune it out.
> 
> ...


You answered your own question 



LoveBeingFemale said:


> What are you all doing to guide your daughters through this trying period??


We explain the general public has a large subset of losers, scoundrels and evil turds that will test your patience and offer you a role model into loserville. 

Fight their influence in your head and heart by rejecting emulation of them and making good choices for yourself and you will end up with the life you want and avoid the pitfalls of stupidity, self-inflicted wounds and utter disdain from the people that will determine bits of your future path.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

All our kids have made it through high school and two of the three have graduated college (the last is a college sophomore)...thank God!!! Our high school was terrible. There was no supervision anywhere and smaller students, both boys and girls, were constantly picked on. I was always going to the school demanding they enforce some sort of policy that bullying was not ok and they didn't seem interested. I found both teachers and the principals never seemed interested to help out what ever the issue was. If your kids are having a tough time a class, tough ****...I never was notified and but most of the time was able to come to my daughter's rescue in time to help improve her grades. The attitude of the students is also attrocious and never addressed. My kids hated the constant swearing and drug use of other kids. If you don't correct kid's behavior at this age, they will be like that the rest of their lives. Sad that schools these days don't give a ****. They are busy teaching to tests and not preparing our kids for life...like they used to. 

I find that teachers these day's just give out A's without worrying about whether your kids learned anything. Practically half my youngest daughter's class graduated with honors. These students weren't smart, they were the most beligerent group I've ever seen. Many of them I'm hearing are having a tough time in college...perhaps they shouldn't have gone in the first place. They weren't prepared for life... They weren't perpared for the next day.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> All our kids have made it through high school and two of the three have graduated college (the last is a college sophomore)...thank God!!! Our high school was terrible. There was no supervision anywhere and smaller students, both boys and girls, were constantly picked on. *I was always going to the school demanding they enforce some sort of policy that bullying was not ok and they didn't seem interested. I found both teachers and the principals never seemed interested to help out what ever the issue was.* If your kids are having a tough time a class, tough ****...I never was notified and but most of the time was able to come to my daughter's rescue in time to help improve her grades. The attitude of the students is also attrocious and never addressed. My kids hated the constant swearing and drug use of other kids. If you don't correct kid's behavior at this age, they will be like that the rest of their lives. Sad that schools these days don't give a ****. They are busy teaching to tests and not preparing our kids for life...like they used to.
> 
> I find that teachers these day's just give out A's without worrying about whether your kids learned anything. Practically half my youngest daughter's class graduated with honors. These students weren't smart, they were the most beligerent group I've ever seen. Many of them I'm hearing are having a tough time in college...perhaps they shouldn't have gone in the first place. They weren't prepared for life... They weren't perpared for the next day.


This makes me sad. I feel fortunate that when I addressed an issue with my daughter at the beginning of the year, with teachers, it was immediately addressed and got so much better. My daughter is very well-liked and "popular" (as much as you can be in a small school), but is very timid, easily scared, and was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (and ADHD). Some of the boys looooovvved to scare her purposefully because they knew they'd get a reaction. She actually is very easily frightened. It was starting to really affect her walking in the halls, etc. because she was always afraid who was going to jump out and say, "boo!" Sometimes she was so scared she'd cry. Within just a few days of discussing this with one of the teachers she was closest with a talk was given to the entire boys' class/group (they have separate support group type class for the boys and girls every week) about the appropriate way to treat girls, people who are timid, etc. No names, but they were informed that scaring, among other things would no longer be tolerated and it was a very huge deal. It stopped and she became so much more relaxed.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> This makes me sad. I feel fortunate that when I addressed an issue with my daughter at the beginning of the year, with teachers, it was immediately addressed and got so much better. My daughter is very well-liked and "popular" (as much as you can be in a small school), but is very timid, easily scared, and was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (and ADHD). Some of the boys looooovvved to scare her purposefully because they knew they'd get a reaction. She actually is very easily frightened. It was starting to really affect her walking in the halls, etc. because she was always afraid who was going to jump out and say, "boo!" Sometimes she was so scared she'd cry. Within just a few days of discussing this with one of the teachers she was closest with a talk was given to the entire boys' class/group (they have separate support group type class for the boys and girls every week) about the appropriate way to treat girls, people who are timid, etc. No names, but they were informed that scaring, among other things would no longer be tolerated and it was a very huge deal. It stopped and she became so much more relaxed.


This makes me happy to hear, at there are some schools where if you come to them with an issue, that at least try to address it. The only way you are popular at our high school is if you smoke the most cigarettes, sleep with the most guys and take the most drugs. I didn't want my daughters to be popular and they didn't want to be either, they mainly wanted to be left alone. I would have liked to have explored private schools but I heard they aren't much better...at least in our area. It's sad all the tax dollars you spend for these schools and they aren't worth a darn.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Curse words? What about teenagers sending each other naked pics and looking at porn? It's going on!!


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

jb02157 said:


> This makes me happy to hear, at there are some schools where if you come to them with an issue, that at least try to address it. The only way you are popular at our high school is if you smoke the most cigarettes, sleep with the most guys and take the most drugs. I didn't want my daughters to be popular and they didn't want to be either, they mainly wanted to be left alone. I would have liked to have explored private schools but I heard they aren't much better...at least in our area. It's sad all the tax dollars you spend for these schools and they aren't worth a darn.


I'm so very thankful that we were able to send our daughter to a small private school. The classes were so small, that all the kids were friends. The school didn't have the "cliques" that the larger schools have.


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## LoveBeingFemale (Nov 5, 2012)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Curse words? What about teenagers sending each other naked pics and looking at porn? It's going on!!


I know, I sound old-fashioned. But am trying to start with the basics. Because this is what bothers her the most. When her closest friend calls her a "b." I mentioned that friends go through stages in life; sometimes you are close, sometimes not.

There is a no-phone policy during the school day, however, there is no supervision in the locker room, so out come the phones. 

I wish the girls were better about "self-policing" themselves and just saying "put the phone away," when someone decides to get it out.

I wish the school counselor would sit these girls down at the beginning of the year and really talk with them about not being so hard on one another and showing some compassion towards one another.

I hope next year is somewhat better, but am not expecting it.

But it's our culture in general. I really feel like this generation of girls growing up and into their early 30s is really lost.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Any school can have cliques, it depends on the personalities of the students and how well the school enforces positive behavior expectations. Small schools, christian schools and giant schools...all have the same problems.

My oldest two had really rough times with extremely mean kids driven by competitive parents who all felt their little darling was...a little darling. 

My youngest has been going to school with the same group of kids since kindergarten and while she complains here and there, each year the teachers rave about what a genuinely nice class this is. It's the separate personalities that make up the class and how well the school enforces positive behavior expectations.


NO CELL PHONES in the LOCKER ROOM EVER!!!

OMG the stories I could tell you about cell phones with camera and kids. Horrifying!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Any school can have cliques, it depends on the personalities of the students and how well the school enforces positive behavior expectations. Small schools, christian schools and giant schools...all have the same problems.
> 
> My oldest two had really rough times with extremely mean kids driven by competitive parents who all felt their little darling was...a little darling.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I agree.....cell phones in locker rooms....such a bad idea on so many levels!!!!

While we're talking about cell phones.....I also have a 6th grade boy and his best bud's mother (who also has an older son) has a strict policy when boys are at her house for sleepovers or whatever.....all cell phones stay upstairs on the kitchen table when the boys are downstairs in the rec room. They are welcomed to go upstairs at any time and check for messages or whatever, but no phones while they are congregating. Why? Way too much temptation for porn, etc. This was driven by a specific incident that happened at the school/at a sleepover, but I think it is a FANTASTIC idea......for so many reasons aside from nefarious ones! (With girls, too!)


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

I think a developer should come up with an "At School" app that is required for all kids at school. When they are there, the app does not allow any pics or social media and the only texts can go to parents.

We got along JUST fine without phones a generation ago. I'm sure they don't NEED them at school. 

As for the kids at the house, I think that sounds like a very good idea. Please place your phones on the counter; they will be where I can see them.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I think a developer should come up with an "At School" app that is required for all kids at school. When they are there, the app does not allow any pics or social media and the only texts can go to parents.
> 
> We got along JUST fine without phones a generation ago. I'm sure they don't NEED them at school.
> 
> As for the kids at the house, I think that sounds like a very good idea. Please place your phones on the counter; they will be where I can see them.


My kids have their phones OFF, not just silenced, for the entire school day. If they have to contact me, they go to the secretary and use her phone, not their cell phones. There's no need at all for kids to have cell phones ON in school. With the state of the world the way it is today, school shootings, I see the benefit to still allowing them on their person in case of emergency, but they do not need to be on. JMO.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The absolute best thing you can do is keep communication flowing. Show her you will never judge her. My DD24 told me that she didn't believe me when I told her that I would never judge her, that she could tell me anything, and that she tested me a few times. I was true to my word. I listened to her, I told her what I would do in situations, I offered to help her work something out but didn't push her, I gave her possible ideas about what could be causing her friends to do this or that, and I never judged her. She considers me her best friend because I have stayed safe to talk to. And it's been amazing to watch her 'become' me in terms of all my belief systems that I've discussed with her over the years; and she doesn't even realize it. She'll tell me that she believes this or that - and will tell her friends her belief - and I just sit there and think, wow, well at least you were listening. 

I also used a LOT of logic. Every situation, we'd talk it through and come up with why the kids were doing this or that, and we'd talk about what would happen if SHE chose to do something - my boundaries, the consequences she'd experience if she did something I didn't believe in - and I made sure it was all logical, so she couldn't argue her way out of things. 

Like if a friend's dad had abandoned them, we'd talk about why her girlfriend then started dressing sl*tty, about how teen girls need a male influence and if the dad isn't doing it, they'll substitute him with a guy. Stuff like that. 

Talk talk talk!


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

...You're more concerned about foul language than someone possibly taking a picture of your daughter changing without her consent and using it as a bullying tool?

Anyway, I'm not terribly worried about our daughter. She's very bright and she doesn't have a lot of patience for BS. She often comes home and complains in great detail about how she's surrounded by idiots and has only been in trouble once for smacking a guy who groped her as she walked past him (we made noises about how you can't just hit people who piss you off but we were secretly so proud), but that trouble resulted in nothing after she told the principal that she "wasn't aware this school encouraged non-consensual sexual activity". This is a girl who told us that the idea of Santa Claus was "stupid" when she was three (and ruined the magic for her older brothers), we know she isn't getting swept up in any typical high school drama (she also curses like sailor and it's probably entirely our fault, so sorry for contributing to the destruction of femininity, I guess). 

I also have two 7-year-old girls. It's hard to predict what they're going to be like as teenagers. I guess we can only give them all the same lectures that we gave our older kids about bullying, body image, dating, sexting etc. and hope they feel comfortable enough to come to us with any problems they might be having. The high school we've chosen is pretty good at tackling those kinds of issues but they're also pretty good at ignoring it when it suits them (mainly when those issues involve a football player or a very wealthy student) so we can't trust them to be as vigilant as they should be.


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