# I cant stand my Wife.



## hisoka (May 23, 2017)

I don't know what to do.

I have been with my wife for 6 years, married for 1. 

We both work 7 days a week. We both make pretty good $$$, about the same as each other. We have a home together, which is where most of our $$$ is tied up in. 

I can't stand her anymore. She nags all the time. 

She was so beautiful when I met her, now she put on about 100 pounds and I don't find her attractive anymore. Just seeing her flabby arms or belly and I just shake my head. I know weight is delicate to women, so I don't say anything. She will randomly say I am going to start working out on monday and never follow through. She wears sweats all the time, I see guys in public with their wives / GF's and they are dressed nice and take care of their bodies and I am envious. I want my wife to look good too, I want to show her off to the world. 

She is very controlling with $$$ and decisions, but I let her have her way, because it usually isn't worth arguing about. She forgets alot, she will yell about some arbitrary thing, then 10 mins later act like nothing happened. I have learn't not to argue, just apologize even if it's for something crazy and try and move on.

She has this one friend who is a brain washer. She goes and fills my wifes head with all kind of stuff like how her husband buys her all the fancy stuff then I have to hear about it. 

Both of our pay cheques go into the same account and she handles the finances. So I don't know why she acts like I am stingy with $$$ when we both have access to all the $$. I

All in all, I hate her family, I hate her friends and I hate my life. I am so miserable. I am developing anxiety and depression issues. 

Some days I just think, give her everything in the bank account / everything in the house. Sell the house, take my half and walk.

But I don't have the courage, plus I know it will break my parents hearts. They are from the time, where you get married and stick it out through thick and thin.

I am open to any advice, what do you guys think about my situation?



*UPDATE:*

Thanks to everyone who replied.

So two days ago, we had a huge fight over patio furniture and I just erupted and let it all out. I told her exactly how I feel about her weight, her nagging, her sh*t friend and family etc. 

She just stood there with deer in head lights eyes, then flipped out and kicked me out of the house.

I went and stayed by a friend for a couple days, didn't try and make any contact.

Today she called and said she wanted to talk. She said she hates her weight also and she wants us to get gym memberships together and work out together to keep each motivated.

She also admitted, that she felt bad for comparing me to her friends husband, because I sacrificed alot to give my wife the dream home she wanted. Just the kitchen to her liking cost close to 30K.

She said she will try and not nag me and be more loving and supportive.

Only time will tell if things will get better or not. 

I will update this thread in a couple months.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So why don't you just divorce her?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So she put on 100 pounds in a year?

Why?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that she put on 100 lbs. You have known her for 6 years. So has she been putting on this weight slowly over time? You married her a year ago. How much weight did she put on in the last year?


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## hisoka (May 23, 2017)

Oh the 100lbs wasn't in one year. It start about a year into the relationship and was gradual. So it took her about 5 years to get to where she is now.


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## hisoka (May 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You say that she put on 100 lbs. You have known her for 6 years. So has she been putting on this weight slowly over time? You married her a year ago. How much weight did she put on in the last year?


Oh the 100lbs wasn't in one year. It start about a year into the relationship and was gradual. So it took her about 5 years to get to where she is now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So when you married her, she was already quite heavy.

Has she been to a doctor about her weight gain? That's a lot of weight to gain in a few years.


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## hisoka (May 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> So when you married her, she was already quite heavy.
> 
> Has she been to a doctor about her weight gain? That's a lot of weight to gain in a few years.


She has seen a couple. They said good sleep / diet and exercise will help. But she can't stick to a routine. 

Yup, she was pretty big when we got married. To be honest, I felt more obligated than anything. Our home had just finished construction, we had been together so long etc. She was the one really pushing towards owning a home / marriage.

I know they're just excuses, but even now, I cannot work up the courage to say anything.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

You are both working hard to pay off the house debt, unfortunately when this happens, things like health and marriage are neglected. 

How much quality time do you spend together? 

How much time are you both spending on looking after your health/diet? 

You're living to work, not working to live. So basically you are just existing together in a situation to pay a house bill, everything else is neglected. Sometimes the things we own end up owning us. 

Is there any way to relieve the house debt? 
Can you work out a plan to downsize? 

Look after the biggest stress first, the financial problems, then you could reduce the working hours and spend more quality time on the marriage. 

Easier said than done, but take it one day at a time and work together towards building a happy lifestyle. 

Talk about your finances and how to create more time for each other. 

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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

So, let's say you grow a giant pair of balls tomorrow and decide how you are going to live. What is the worst thing that could happen? 

She will be upset? Your parents will be upset? You will beat yourself up for having a failed marriage? 

Is that any worse than what you have now? 

Just think about this... after accepting the worst that could possibly happen, you will end up free to go live life the way you want. Get a sexy girlfriend, spend your money as you wish, etc.

You could probably motivate your wife to lose weight, but you are choosing to let fear rule you. What the hell are you afraid of?


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Have you communicated your feelings of unhappiness to her at all?

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Either "man up" and tell her exactly what you told us, with the added caveat that she begin a program of exercise to lose the weight, as well as her psychological disposition toward you, or that you're going to be filing for divorce!

And if and when you get around to performing that little task, don't really be surprised that, at the same time, that she doesn't exactly have a demand or two of her own choosing regarding your very own aestheticity! *


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Show her this post. You'll be divorced pretty quickly I reckon.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You have been weak willed and have allowed yourself to be bulldozed into the life you have right now. Your wife treats you the way you allow yourself to be treated, you focus your resentment on her but the reality is you are disgusted with yourself. Fix that. Stand up for yourself, do not hide your head and allow others to direct your life, if you need to be divorced then do it.

You will never be happy until you make your life what you want. I did what you are doing for a time, it was just easier to go along with things than to argue. Truthfully when I reflect back on that period in my life I am embarrassed at what a door mat I was. Never again.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

^^ Cooper is spot on. She disrespects you because you _allow_ yourself to be disrespected. She is actually looking for you to assert yourself and show strength.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

OP, without talking to your wife, how would you expect anything to change with respect to your situation? It's impossible.

Instead of talking to your wife, you are posting here. All of what you write is negative and speaks of how you've settled for unhappiness. Me thinks you're trying to summon up the courage for divorce, through a TAM pep rally or something.

Whatever the case, let me say that I think divorce is probably best for you. However, as things stand, divorce is highly unfair to your wife. Let me explain. You married her knowing of her many personal defects, against your better judgment, and admittedly for the wrong reasons. That's an implicit contract that you accepted her as she was, and the marriage under the circumstances! Unless I'm mistaken, most of your gripes are not developments after marriage, but her states of being before the marriage that have finally provoked you to action, or at least to seeking advice.

I think you should talk to your wife, and communicate exactly what you've stated in this post. She needs to know how you feel, and what you're inclined to do upon her inaction. If after hearing these things, she's not motivated to change, you can safely conclude that she will never change and you need to get out of your marriage. Talk to her, set expectations for change, allow her time to improve, and if nothing, leave.

It's very important that you tell her what's up and give her the opportunity to act. If you skip giving her a chance and go straight to divorce, I fear that in so doing, you'd be skipping a valuable opportunity to improve your communication skills. Your problem with communication, if not resolved now, will follow you to your next relationship (hypothetically), where you'll be responding passively when challenges arise!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

hisoka said:


> Oh the 100lbs wasn't in one year. It start about a year into the relationship and was gradual. So it took her about 5 years to get to where she is now.



100!?!? Did she have a baby and go into menopause in teh same year?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

hisoka said:


> I don't know what to do.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Ok, I was on the other side of this situation once upon a time in one respect. I did not treat my husband with respect. My problem was about me, not him. I had that same toxic friend, I was overweight, I wasn't happy about me. He spoke up, told me what my friend was doing, told me how I treated him made him feel, and how he was unhappy. I ditched the loser friend, lost 100lbs with drs Help, got happy being me. I always was mindful of how I spoke to him after that. Now I don't have to be because I would never hurt him like that, I don't even think that way anymore. Him speaking up saved our marriage, that was years ago.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

hisoka said:


> What do you guys think of my situation?


I think you need to go on a diet. You are way too heavy.

Looking you up and down I think you need to lose about ~290 lbs.

I hear the Divorce Court downtown has a good weight loss program. You lose the fat in one day!


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

hisoka said:


> I don't know what to do.
> 
> I have been with my wife for 6 years, married for 1.
> 
> ...


From what you are describing if you want to maintain your sanity you need a divorce and pronto.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You both work every single day of your lives?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't understand why you have to work so much.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Yay!! First time posting again after being away two years!

Anyway, to answer this question: 




hisoka said:


> I don't know what to do.
> 
> I have been with my wife for 6 years, married for 1.
> 
> ...


I think this is where the problem starts, right here. You are afraid of upsetting or offending her by discussing her weight, which is understandable. However, given that you are on the brink of DIVORCE I think it's time to stop worrying about senstivities. 

Tell her straight up everything that's bothering you, everything you told us in this thread (although don't say it with such a harsh edge). Maybe she's willing to lose the weight and go to counseling with you to work the other issues out. At least give her an opportunity to change, you owe her that much. At this point, what have you got to lose?

Now some specific advice - if you do tell her everything, her response will probably be to take this as a personal attack, and to tell YOU an equal number of things that are bothering her, and that's a natural response. You can let her vent, but emphasize that this isn't an attack on her, but you want to figure out the best solution to make you both happy. 

And finally - you BOTH work 7 days a week? Holy cow, for both of your own sanity, get at least one day a week off!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Congratulations, you are a doormat. All because you are afraid to upset your wife. Just what do you think is going to happen if she gets upset? I can guarantee you that the world WILL NOT end. She is the way she is because YOU ALLOW it. You cant say much about her weight, because you stated yourself that it has been happening for several years... you didnt like it, but you married her anyway. So you knew what you were getting into in that regard. She is clearly not happy with herself, but only she can change how she is. Its up to you to establish boundaries on what you will and will not tolerate. 

If you were to just up and leave her, then you will end up in this same situation with another woman somewhere down the line, unless you put in serious work on yourself. Try reading No More Mr Nice Guy for a start.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This isn't a marital issue or a problem with your wife. This is a Hisoka issue. 

I'm going to be very blunt and give some very matter-of-fact tough love. 

You are miserable because you have been weak and haven't been true to yourself. You have allowed others to push you around and have you do their bidding. You have not been your own man and walked your own path or pursued your own hopes and dreams and passions. You have not pursued your own destiny. 

Since you have been weak you have allowed your parents to continue to control your life even though you are an adult. 

You have allowed a fat, nagging, penny-pinching, harpy talk you into marrying her, working yourself 7 days a week and putting all your resources into a house you can't afford and do not want. 

The answer here is simple, if you want to live your own life, you are going to have grow some kahoonahs and get out and live it regardless if other people sign off on it or not. 

If your parents don't like it, she can go live with them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

_anonymous_ said:


> OP, without talking to your wife, how would you expect anything to change with respect to your situation? It's impossible.
> 
> Instead of talking to your wife, you are posting here. All of what you write is negative and speaks of how you've settled for unhappiness. Me thinks you're trying to summon up the courage for divorce, through a TAM pep rally or something.
> 
> ...



Some moralists, ethicists and church ladies will likely agree with this. 

I however do not. 

If she wanted to lose weight she would. If she didn't want to be a nag, she wouldn't be one. If she didn't want to buy houses she couldn't afford and work 7 days a week, she wouldn't. 

Why should he ask her to change for him? Why should she change if she is OK with the status quo? 

If he doesn't like his life and wants to do something else with his time, money and energies and doesn't want to be married to a nagging cow, then walk away and let her do what she wants. 

If she wants to go on being fat and nagging and a workaholic so she can dump every one of her pennies into a house that she wants, that is her prerogative and her right. Noone really has the right to ask her to change. 

On the other hand, if she wakes up one day and decides she wants to live healthier and eat right and exercise and budget her time and money in more balanced ways, then she has the right to do that. 

If a couple years down the road, she has lost a lot of weight and her attitude and outlook on life has improved and their paths cross again and sparks ignite and they find they each like the new person that each has become - then so be it. I may talk tough but I do love a good love story and I do love a good reunited story. 

But my point is, he is so miserable because this was never what he wanted in the first place. He was weak and didn't stand up for himself and he railroaded into this due to his own spinelessness. 

If he is finally going to grow up and grow some balls and take charge of his life, then he should just do it. He has the right to pursue his own destiny but he doesn't have the right to try to make her change who she is to conform to his wishes. If she wants to be fat and naggy, that is her right. 

If after he is gone, she decides she wants to turn over a new leaf and live a healthier and more balanced life, that is also her right, but at least it would be of her own choosing.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Some moralists, ethicists and church ladies will likely agree with this.
> 
> I however do not.
> 
> ...


This viewpoint exempts OP's wife from trying to meet her husband's needs. 

This viewpoint overlooks the fact that OP's situation is a function of his weakness and passivity, and that he (as husband) is not exerting positive forces on his wife, who now, is taking him for granted and doing her own thing.

This viewpoint assumes OP's wife is a lost cause, regards his unhappiness as grounds for divorce, and ignores the fact that he didn't overcome the inertia of his own relationship and stop the marriage before it got this far.

I respect your opinion, but politely disagree. OP needs to talk to his wife, let her know what he's feeling, and give her a chance to turn this around. Any woman (or man) worth keeping, will make reasonable changes for the sake of their marriage. But for as long as OP remains passive, OP's wife will be dominant and continue acting like she doesn't have to work in order for OP to stay.

If OP speaks boldly to his wife and sets standards, he'll improve his communication, show off his backbone, and give his wife the fair chance that she deserves before he walks out the door. And if his wife ends up implementing massive change for him, he'll feel great about that and both of them will be stronger for having stuck together through this difficult passage. In contrast, OP stands to not learn much of anything if he quits now, other than divorce leads to new problems in a shiny, new relationship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

_anonymous_ said:


> This viewpoint exempts OP's wife from trying to meet her husband's needs.
> 
> This viewpoint overlooks the fact that OP's situation is a function of his weakness and passivity, and that he (as husband) is not exerting positive forces on his wife, who now, is taking him for granted and doing her own thing.
> 
> ...



That is the conventional wisdom and I have said much the same thing myself over the years. 

But we must also remember that she was the one that pushed the marriage and the work schedules and the house etc etc and she did it with a weak and spineless man that she could dominate. 

In otherwords she picked and chose Hisoka because he was weak and subordinate. We can only assume she won't like Hisoka with balls and won't be conform to his wishes simply because he states what those wishes are. 

I get your point that she should be afforded the opportunity to choose and the opportunity to either transform into a different person or say no. I get that and that is why I say the ethicists et al will agree with you. 

But remember she has "said" that she will lose weight and such all along. How many times do you suppose she has said she'll stop nagging and not control the finances. How many times has she said she'll change. 

My point here is divorce her. Start living his own life the way he wants and doing his own thing WITH OR WITHOUT HER BLESSING.

Then if in 5 years she shows up on his doorstep looking like a Maxim Magazine cover girl and is respectful to him and is leading a balanced life and is a pleasant person that he wants to be around - then they can do as they choose. 

If he wants to tell her why he's leaving as he's shutting the door behind him, that is fine, I don't care. 

But the issue here is really NOT HER. The real issue is he hasn't been living a authentic life and has not been true to himself. 

He must first establish his own life and then if she wants to do backflips and walk on her hands and jump through hoops to be with the new man that he becomes, then that is her prerogative and God bless them. 

But he has no right to try to get her to change so that he can become the man he wants to be. 

That is on him to do that first. If she then wants to follow that is her business. 

But she wanted the weak and spineless Hisoka and he has been contorting himself and swallowing his manhood to meet her expectations and wishes. 

There for to become an authentic, independent man of his own, 99.999999999% chance he will need to walk away from her first and do it all on his own time and his own dime. I wouldn't waste a moment or a penny on trying to get her to buy-off on it first.


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## SoSmartJuliet (May 25, 2017)

You need to go now, right now. Before kids.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Maybe the TL/DR version of what I said should be, it doesn't matter what he tells her. He just needs to grow a pair and start living his life regardless if she wants to tag along or not. 

I'll bet the farm she doesn't, and he doesn't have the right to try to make her change so that he can become the man he wants and to live the life he wants. 

My advice is to start living and if she shows up a few years down the road a healthy, fit and pleasant person, they can cross that bridge then.


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## tlsmith2293 (May 15, 2017)

You should not judge your wife just because she puts on a little bit of weight, not taking sides crap happens, but if she is controlling you and treating you like you are a child or has put up some kind of wall to where she says you will never be in love then I would get the f out.


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## hisoka (May 23, 2017)

UPDATE:

Thanks to everyone who replied.

So two days ago, we had a huge fight over patio furniture and I just erupted and let it all out. I told her exactly how I feel about her weight, her nagging, her sh*t friend and family etc. 

She just stood there with deer in head lights eyes, then flipped out and kicked me out of the house.

I went and stayed by a friend for a couple days, didn't try and make any contact.

Today she called and said she wanted to talk. She said she hates her weight also and she wants us to get gym memberships together and work out together to keep each motivated.

She also admitted, that she felt bad for comparing me to her friends husband, because I sacrificed alot to give my wife the dream home she wanted. Just the kitchen to her liking cost close to 30K.

She said she will try and not nag me and be more loving and supportive.

Only time will tell if things will get better or not. 

I will update this thread in a couple months on what's going on.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Remember, actions speak louder than words.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hisoka said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> Thanks to everyone who replied.
> 
> ...


Counselling, individual and couple's is an option to look at.

Good luck to your both.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here is the link... No More Mr. Nice Guy 

Save yourself... Read it!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> So why don't you just divorce her?


Because he could not "Stand Her".

He could not stand her up long enough for the judge to proclaim them singularly free.... to fly solo. She kept slumping and getting weak kneed. She is a weighty subject. Too much for any one man to manage.

He could not do this without the aid of friends and family. But, [butt] this is a personal thing, embarrassing. He needed to be discrete. Yet, he needed support from the crowd to stand her. Catch 22, uh, 222 lbs. at least.

Just Sayin"


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

hisoka said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> Thanks to everyone who replied.
> 
> ...


Good job...

You gave it one last shot.

These problems are fixable. You gave her notice....and notice, she did.
Jokes aside, weight loss is hard. It is easier to eat your way out of problems than starve your way out.

The latter is actually the easier. Being thin, you can then more easily squeeze your way through your' self imposed prison bars.

I hope your stance on "can't stand" dissipates when the pounds fall off. 
..................................................................................................................
Keep this in mind..

It took years for her to put on that much weight. It will take years, at least two, for her to safely lose that much weight.

Without a doctors involvement and a proven weight loss program she will fail. You must help out here. Get the carbohydrates out of the house. Most of them.
Get on the Mediterranean Diet. 

Maybe one of those weight loss programs on TV where they send you the food..you lose the weight. For those to work you must not eat anything other than what they send you. 

This will be a life long journey for her. Losing weight is one battle, keeping it off is a life-long battle.

She treats you like crap because she hates herself. Believe me.

Good Luck to both of you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Gym membership is great, but weight loss is about 20% exercise and 80% diet. If her diet isn't right she will see small benefits from exercise at first and then become discouraged.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Keep this in mind..
> 
> It took years for her to put on that much weight. It will take years, at least two, for her to safely lose that much weight.
> 
> ...


Kicking processed foods out of the house is a good start as well...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Satya said:


> Remember, actions speak louder than words.


Yep. Anyone can say anything. Anyone can make promises for the future. I could tell my wife that I am going to start training and become Mr Olympia and then I'm going to grow another 6"s to my junk and will become a gazillionaire and we will have our own private beach island in the Bahamas. 

How much should she plan her life around those promises?

My suggestion remains the same - do what will improve YOUR life and your well being the most, even if that means leaving her and getting your own life, your own home and even meeting and dating other people. 

Then if she shows up fit and healthy and pleasant and is all the things she is "saying" she will be - then you can decide at that time if you want to try again or not.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

There's nothing wrong with giving her a time frame for realistic, measurable results. Like, "in 3 months or 6 months I expect you to have lost X lbs, however you see fit (diet, exercise, combo, etc)." Let her take control of her own weight loss plan, or find assistance in doing so. That way, she owns the process and doesn't feel under your thumb. 

If she doesn't reach the agreed milestones in time, times up and you leave. Simple. If your leaving is not a motivator for her progress, so be it, you won't be in much of a different position than you are currently.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> There's nothing wrong with giving her a time frame for realistic, measurable results. Like, "in 3 months or 6 months I expect you to have lost X lbs, however you see fit (diet, exercise, combo, etc)." Let her take control of her own weight loss plan, or find assistance in doing so. That way, she owns the process and doesn't feel under your thumb.
> 
> If she doesn't reach the agreed milestones in time, times up and you leave. Simple. If your leaving is not a motivator for her progress, so be it, you won't be in much of a different position than you are currently.


I would give Satya {oh, and her advice} all the time she needs for whatever she needs. She is a keeper. Hopefully, your wife is one, too, three, four...boom.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good job. Not a great way, but you got your point across. And she heard you.

Now make turning y'all's lives around your NUMBER ONE focus - shop for groceries together, take cooking classes together, start walking together rain or shine every day, start going out on dates, try out new healthy restaurants, go on picnics, sign up for a sport together...you can do this.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Meth will melt those pounds away like magic. Of course she will need dentures afterwards.

But seriously congrats on standing up to her. Be strong and resolute without being an *******.


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