# A different kind of resentment can turn HD to LD



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I think when I convert back from HD to LD, I will probably be happier. :FIREdevil:

And I do know why I was "LD" for so long. And I had had so many talks with my H. For people who do not know my story (since some men are so pissed @ "LD" females they start throwing rotten tomatoes the second they hear one), my "LD" state was more a lack of passion stage, I always satisfied my H and we did not have a sexless marriage. 

Anyways, we were visiting my (younger)sister-in-laws. I love my SILs and in fact they lived with us to help out taking care of my big kid. Now both have their own families with two girls each. We went to both houses and both were messy. When we were about to turn in, I elbowed my H and whispered "hey, our house is neater."

There is a long history behind why I said that. My H is the biggest NEAT FREAK on this planet. I am below average neat for sure. Throughout the years though, I have tried so hard to remember every little detail, I'll give some examples 
-- Mirror and vanity have to be wiped clean promptly if I splashed water when brushing teeth
-- Stuff needs to be removed from car when we get off (those soccer mom's vans strewn with stuff just are unimaginable) 
-- any kitchen gadget (for example, a slow cooker) that does not get used for a while will be mocked (you are a wastrel and shopoholic)

So, seeing his own sis's houses littered with clothes, beds unmade, kitchen counter crowded with mail, knives, containers, and bathroom no place to even put our change of clothes when we tried to take a shower, did not BOTHER him a bit. I did not mean anything vicious or competitive. It was just like "uh, excuse me, please acknowledge I have been doing a good job at home."

He laughed thru his nose and said "you are a lot worse." 

"No I am not."

"Oh it's only because I am with you. Remember your college room?"

Yes I remember my college room. But my house is not like my college room. I said "every time you go out of town, and come back, do you remember how the house looks? So who cleaned it when you were not home?"

(sarcastic hissing sound)

It's pretty amazing. I could just feel in one second the years of resentment (that have tried to gradually melt away since we talked about not being negative) immediately surfaced. I stayed calm and said "I took extreme personal offense at your comment" and went upstairs to bed. Really was not even interested in hearing his lame apology later (with still sarcasm in it. "OH I SAID THE WRONG THING"). When he tried to touch me I had no feeling. Besides, he did his arm-around-squeeze thing and immediately fell asleep with the loudest snore. Could not stop rolling my eyes. 

Just another couple times will do. The drive will be gone and I will appreciate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well somehow you need to get beyond it in order to get on with your life. Maybe counseling is in order. Or losts of journaling to work through it.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well somehow you need to get beyond it in order to get on with your life. Maybe counseling is in order. Or losts of journaling to work through it.


I agree says the HD guy with a ton of spousal resentment around his neck.  

Part of me being here is to get me mentally to a point where I can respond when my partner makes some positive moves and come up with a few new moves of my own to change the rules of the game. I don't want to resent her or be angry anymore. I HATE IT! Part of my issue is I gave the wife my set of balls as a wedding present when we got married. I need to fix that before I demand she morph back into the sex crazed porn star I took off the meat market. :smthumbup:

I do understand too what one ugly comment can do. My wife is the most straightforward person I know. I used to be able to hang and get beyond the facade and not take things personally. Boy do I take things personally now let me tell ya. Another thing that having a set of balls will come in handy for. 

So I guess what Im saying is don't give up. You have the power to not let one moment ruin things between you. Address moments like that yes. Stand up for your self, HELL YES. Don't be the victim and surrender control. Surprisingly I wouldn't doubt some of my wife's LD is resentment based. Im a man, of course I've pissed her off :rofl:


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Jennifer,
Thanks for sharing. It's a good way to get it off your chest


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Oh I will go beyond that. For many women, it's not one comment, it's an accumulation of 30 more comments. If I get triggered by one little incident, then I cannot carry out normal daily lives and my H would be the one walking on field of land mines, and that's not fair. Besides, it takes so much more energy to raise hell over one sarcastic remark than just ignoring it. 

Sometimes when you have taken so many negative remarks as a habit the other person simply assumes it's normal. Then he freely says whatever he feels like saying. Probably I should make 3 little "strike" flags and raise them. All three raised then you are out.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> everytime I increase my intimacy and therefore my emotional *vulnerability* I get absolutely demolished emotionally and I want to just shut down. I'm actually pretty lost at this point and am gaining extreme sympathy with wives who quit having sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. It makes me feel like an idiot for all my efforts. It seems impossible for me, as the female species, to have enthusiastic sex life and get sarcasm and contempt in the other part of my life. As a protective mechanism, it's much easier to just shut down everything. I highly suspect many wives have shut down without even knowing why.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I am sorry and I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how a person can’t give their spouse the benefit of the doubt when they are showing effort. I am not perfect and I don’t expect my wife to be either. She keeps the house clean, but with three young ones, it is often cluttered. While it annoys me from time to time, I take a deep breath and remember that my three year olds job is to taking things from their proper place and put them in the middle of the room, so why blame my wife. Unfortunately, she senses my annoyance from time to time and kind of apologizes, so I have to remind her that she has not done anything wrong. My wife does a great job, and the fact that three little monster, err, I mean, wonderful kids, have other ideas about where things go says nothing about her.

A spouse taking that type of attitude just does not make sense to me.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> A spouse taking that type of attitude just does not make sense to me.


Thank you. I have, in the past when I was at my wit's end, yelled at my H alone this line: "no matter how annoyed you are (for mine forgetting to wipe the counter, fold the blanket...), can you try to REMEMBER (1) you married a person because you love her (2) you know your sarcastic remark will hurt that person (3) and the sarcastic remark will not even make the counter cleaner or the blanket to fold on itself (4) so therefore to spare me that treatment?"

I hope all spouses will remember to hold back before they say something that hurts, is not constructive at all, and just because they feel like saying it. Adults should have the decency to learn that. And it will definitely help the bedroom situation.


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