# 4 years married, is separation coming?



## californianredhead (Aug 19, 2010)

I am a first time poster.

Let me say (before I relay my story), that i have been reading many of these forums and find the similarities/common themes astounding. Us wives seem to say the same thing when it comes to reasons of divorce/separation, the husbands tend to have the same responses to our requests...and everyone is still confused/in denial. Why can't we either figure it out...or just let it be?

Anyway,

When I ask myself the qs. "why do I want a separation", I find it very difficult to come up with the concrete answers it seems that my husband (and most men) seem to need. And I am sorry for that. I know that if it was something tangible...maybe it could be fixed...or at least get an action plan together to get it fixed. Fixing things seems to be a huge issue. Well, maybe not being together is one way to fix it?

I am not happy. And that is not enough....there has to be "why?". 

I do not know. 

I could give you many many instances where things have not been good in the marriage, where resentment has set it, where disagreements have been had...but what is the point? I don't eel that dragging up every instance where i have felt unhappy would help the situation. because it's more than that....I am just not happy.

Is it because o the marriage? Or am i just not happy in general? Who knows.

Below are my reasons or wanting a separation...reasons that many o you have heard before...and can't accept because of their vagueness...

No emotional connection
No sexual connection
No romance
No intimacy
No passion
No excitement
I feel like we don't know each other
I feel like I am merely existing...we are two people living together, who have a child together...but thats it. That seems to be our only common ground.

The past is the past, many things have happened which I eel no need to trawl over. They happened, they have affected us (subconsciously) and here we are.

There has been NO abuse, NO affairs, NO abnormal psychological behaviour. We just aren't right or each other. For me, it's like being married to your brother.

I believe that love is a choice...I made that choice, but I no longer feel I can carry on making it when there is no foundation anymore. I feel we have nothing in common and that there is nowhere to go.

I have been dealing with these feelings or about 18 months, something has to change. 

We are in counselling and have been (on and off) since we were first married.

Any one else going/been through this?


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## Tweakster2k (Aug 19, 2010)

I felt that way shortly after marrying my wife. The fact that we had nothing in common has been a reoccurring theme throughout our marriage. To me, it's HUGE but to her it's something that can simply be discussed.

I don't even feel like I'm married. I'm just living with a roommate. There's no passion, nor can I remember there ever being any. No real pull to be around each other. I feel lost in this relationship and have been feeling like this for 4 years now.

I think 'opposites attract' brought us together but like you said there's no foundation so we can't build anything together; I find it absolutely hopeless but my wife thinks otherwise and we've been going through this tug-o-war ever since we got married.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Maybe you have ennui with life in general? Do you have something you are passionate about outside of your marriage? I dont think marriage is always passionate, always connected, and always the source of your joy. sometimes its boring like everything else.


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## The invisibleman (Aug 16, 2010)

Wow... it dose seem like the same old tune, I feel that maybe, a lot of women should figure this kind of stuff out before they lead a man into marriage. Excuse me if I sound bitter, but I am, Im soooooo sick of hearing how women become BORED in the relationship after marriage, and then emotionally depressed or withdrawen, and of course it has to be the mans fault, even if there is no solid gorund, bazzar behavior, substance abuse, affairs, physical/emtional abuse, it seems that even when these things are not present women still find a reason why they dont want him anymore, regardless of the sucsess, kids, devotion nothing matters. Its crap. Only reason why there is no foundation is because YOU no longer want a foundation, the foundation in marriage is the kids, eachother, the sucsess. Woman these days seem to think of marraige more as a prom night, a fairytale, then when they feel theres nothing left, instead of working on it, they just want a return, like buying a new car or something, oh I dont like it anymore Ill just take it back to the bank. One should have figured this out before marraige and a child. However after some point, the woman seems to think; me,me,me,me nevermind his needs, what he wants, the familys wants, marrige is no longer a sacred thing these days. Babies daddys are a fashion statment, and the culture for women (for the most part) is, I want to be independent and free, I just want your finacial support still, in other words, your not good enogh for me and this family anymore, yet your money and support still is. Once again, I apoligize if this sounds harsh, yet I read things like this, being a father, husband in the same situation, it bothers me. A word of advice for all the men in love out there, NEVER LOVE THEM TOO MUCH, they just become bored.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't think it's just men that need/want those answers; I would want them if my boyfriend were to tell me he wasn't happy. I think it's natural in a romantic relationship to want to know why your partner isn't happy, so that you can try to change whatever it is. If you love that person, you want them to be happy, so of course when they say they aren't, you want to know why so you can make them happy. 

The fact that you can't tell them why doesn't mean they won't still want to know. They might still press you for the why. You just have to keep explaining over and over, even if it gets tiresome, that you just aren't happy and don't know why. 

And although you think it's pointless to point out all the things that have led you to this moment of deciding enough is enough, maybe you should do it anyway. Not to hurt him, but to give him one last opportunity to change things, or at least to give him something to consider before he moves on to another relationship so that if it IS something he's doing/not doing, he can change it the next time. I mean, think about it for a moment: if he were leaving you because he wasn't happy, and there was something you were doing/not doing that was causing his unhappiness, wouldn't you want to know so you could either try to fix it or at least think about how it could affect your next relationship? I know I would.


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## californianredhead (Aug 19, 2010)

Through years of dwelling on this and our recent therapy sessions...I am feeling more clarity about our marriage.

A few months ago...something in me pulled back. Withdrew completely. I now realize that I have emotionally abondoned my husband and the marriage. I feel that I have done this because of fatigue, stress, hopelessness. We have always had problems and been in therapy...but nothing (and neither of us) ever changes. I gave up.

Upon me giving up...my husband panicked! "What's going on? Why are you being like this? I'm trying"....

Yes. Now you are trying.

Should I have had to go this far in order to get you to notice that something is wrong?

We have talked endlessly about our issues, have resolved to make things better etc. Why does it take me abandoning you to come to your senses?

So, we left it like this at the therapy session...I have been wanting to make it work, after 4 years we are in no better position, I have withdrawn. Now I have to figure out if I want to "come back". I don't think I do.


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## californianredhead (Aug 19, 2010)

P.S I don't ever think I said that I was "bored" invisible man. Through the near constant depression, fights and day to day struggles within this marriage I haven't had time to be bored. I guess we all read what we want to read in these forums though.
Thanks to the others for their responses.

And yes, I do think that a significant percentage of the "happiness" issue is my own. I am realizing that and starting to work on it. Thanks.


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## justexhausted (Aug 25, 2010)

OMG californianredhead, I think you just posed the key question that most women have:"Why does it take me abandoning you to come to your senses?"

invisibleman, do you have the answer to that one?


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## cbd2010 (Aug 19, 2010)

californianredhead,

I have to tell you - you wrote "Now I have to figure out if I want to "come back". I don't think I do." and I immediately thought - that's EXACTLY it. I've been thinking for some time now, do I want to try and work through the myriad of issues (your first post, btw, sounded AWFULLY familiar), or am I just ready to call it quits? Or, as my counselor said to me yesterday, "something was a catalyst, and woke you up - and you don't want to go back to sleep." I don't want to continue with living-as-roommates. I want someone I am passionate about, who I WANT to be with, who I WANT to share my dreams and hopes and ideas with. 'Cause right now, that's not what's happening. As you said, "I'm just not happy." There's no specific item I can point to for fixing - and even if there was, I'm not sure I want it to be fixed. As you say - I don't feel there's any point in dragging up each and everything that has made me unhappy - it's that my partner, as a whole, doesn't make me happy anymore.

For a long time I was willing to just let things be - not worry about it too much. I figured, I have a pretty good life, many people would be thrilled to have all the opportunities that I do, so I should just stick w/it and not complain. But after nearly 15 years, I've decided I don't want to spend the rest of my life just going through the motions.


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## VAGal (Aug 31, 2010)

September will be our 4th year married. Before we got married, things were great. The first year was a little rough, but we made it. Then the baby came along and things slowly started to go down hill. My biggest issue was soon after the baby came along, I started to get frustrated with him. He wasn't helping out enough with the baby. He would come home from work and shutdown for 30 minutes. That's great and everything, but not when I'm trying to get dinner ready and feed the baby. It would have been nice for him to feed her so I could get dinner ready. Of course bottle feeding was a challenge for him b/c I was nursing, but he still didn't help enough when she was on solids, giving her a bath, and putting her to bed. I did it all. When he did help, it was great and all of my resentment went out the window. His excuse was that he will be more involved when she's talking and so forth. Well, she's talking and active, but he still doesn't spend enough time with her. I understand he works long hours, but that isn't her fault, or mine. I try to be understanding, but it's hard. Sometimes I feel like a single mom. 

This is a good segway into the work issue. He wants to retire early. That's great, but may not be feasible. He also wants another baby. He wants them close together because of retirement purposes. That doesn't make sense. He's so worried about retiring early that he's killing himself at work. So his work life is killing his family life. 

Then he complains that I'm always late (yes it's true, but not to end a marriage), that I haven't kept up with the house (I haven't been motivated to scrub this house and I take ownership of that), I'm forgetful (yes I am, but again not a deal breaker). All of these things are minor. 

then he says I'm not on the same page as him in terms of our future b/c I don't need, didn't say I don't want, a big house, finer things, toys, etc. I'd rather have less money and be happy. I don't want to move far from my family b/c of their relationship with our daughter. I am also very close with them, but if it was just me and him, I wouldn't mind moving farther away from them JUST to get a larger house with a larger lot. But moving our daughter from that is not a good reason. I have family come over 3 days a week to help out to save us a lot of money on day care. 

Plus, I work. I work from home and make good money. But since I don't work crazy hours all of the time or are busy at work all of the time, my job isn't important to him. 

On top of all of this, my sex life sucks. It's hard for me to be into him when we are in a tense relationship. Oh, and the way he talks to me. He "expects" me to do certain things. Really, what do I get? How about some affection, support, appreciation? 

Sometimes he is sooo mean. I would NEVER talk to him the way he talks to me. He wasn't like this before we got married. I never would have married him. 

The thing that is the worst is that b/c of a stupid thing that happened over the weekend (me vacuuming while he was watching a movie - didn't think he was still watching it) caused this huge fight to the point where he said he can't take it anymore. He was so quick to end the marriage. I told him we need to try counseling. So here I am online looking for a marriage therapist. I am praying that we can work this out. I'm not ready to give up. I want to get to the source b/c these reasons he has are ridiculous - annoying - but not something to end the marriage. 

Thoughts? Has anyone tried marriage counseling and succeeded from it?


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## R.Myers (Sep 1, 2010)

The invisibleman said:


> Wow... it dose seem like the same old tune, I feel that maybe, a lot of women should figure this kind of stuff out before they lead a man into marriage. Excuse me if I sound bitter, but I am, Im soooooo sick of hearing how women become BORED in the relationship after marriage, and then emotionally depressed or withdrawen, and of course it has to be the mans fault, even if there is no solid gorund, bazzar behavior, substance abuse, affairs, physical/emtional abuse, it seems that even when these things are not present women still find a reason why they dont want him anymore, regardless of the sucsess, kids, devotion nothing matters. Its crap. Only reason why there is no foundation is because YOU no longer want a foundation, the foundation in marriage is the kids, eachother, the sucsess. Woman these days seem to think of marraige more as a prom night, a fairytale, then when they feel theres nothing left, instead of working on it, they just want a return, like buying a new car or something, oh I dont like it anymore Ill just take it back to the bank. One should have figured this out before marraige and a child. However after some point, the woman seems to think; me,me,me,me nevermind his needs, what he wants, the familys wants, marrige is no longer a sacred thing these days. Babies daddys are a fashion statment, and the culture for women (for the most part) is, I want to be independent and free, I just want your finacial support still, in other words, your not good enogh for me and this family anymore, yet your money and support still is. Once again, I apoligize if this sounds harsh, yet I read things like this, being a father, husband in the same situation, it bothers me. A word of advice for all the men in love out there, NEVER LOVE THEM TOO MUCH, they just become bored.


:smthumbup: Encore


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