# Emotional Affair Advice Wanted!!!



## historyguy (Jun 23, 2014)

Howdy folks. I'm new and I hope I'm posting in the right place.

Anyway, I sure hope someone can help me as my head's a bit all over the place at the moment.

Thing is, my wife's confessed to meeting a younger male friend in secret and going back to his place, stepping out arm in arm, that kind of thing. She says they've kissed but swears that's all. She admits to lying about going to a female friend's place and going to his instead. She says they've only met a few times over the past year. 

She keeps her phone on silent, admits to deleting messages from him and deleting her replies to him as soon as they send. Her story changes daily. Apparently she had a second facebook account which had him on a buddylist but she's now deleted him. 

She looked me in the eye and told me she loved him and now says she didn't mean it. 

She won't hear a word against him.

She and him knew each other 15 years ago when they worked together and liked each other but never dated. They met apparently out of the blue in the street last year and started out by going for coffee and it progressed from there.

She says the only time she feels normal or that she matters is when she is with him.

She claims to have given him up and says that even though she confessed she had feelings for him and he confessed the same to her, they agreed to not have any more contact. She says she misses him.

She doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong.

We have been together for 10 years, married for 7 and have a 5 year old. She says she's bored and blames our relationship (not always perfect I'll admit) for everything.

My question is - is this an emotional affair, should I believe it was never anything more and should I believe her when she says it's over? Am I over-reacting by being mad about this? What do I do now?

Cheers in advance.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes. Emotional affair. May have gone physical, too, especially since she was meeting up with him so many times in secret. 

Still hiding her phone, keeping it on silent, had an entire DIFFERENT Facebook page? 

Totally suspect.

Who is this guy? Do you know him?

It's very likely they are still in contact since she's acting so secretive.

Oh and very much believe that emotional affairs are WAY worse for women. It's the worst kind of affair. Because that means she has feelings for him.

I would monitor her w/o her knowing; would find out what is going on (voice recorder)? and check her phone bills, etc to see calls/texts. Find out who he is. If he is involved with someone, his partner ought to know. You do this by letting the partner know w/o telling your wife of the OM (other man) beforehand.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

well, if she kissed him, that's physical. And if she's been seeing him since last year, it almost certainly went passed the kissing stage. Trickle truth is happening since she keeps changing her story.

Sounds like she's still in the fog, and 99% chance she's still in contact.

Are you doing the standard: keylogger, checking phone, VAR in car ?

otherwise you'll never know

why did she confess in the first place? out of the blue or because you called her out?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

She is full of ****.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

historyguy said:


> She looked me in the eye and told me she loved him and now says she didn't mean it.




How did I miss that? That is bad news.

How did you find out about him?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You may want to have this moved to CWI, OP.


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## historyguy (Jun 23, 2014)

Yes if CWI is the appropriate forum then please move it.

I don't know the other guy. Have been given a first name and have seen a pic but requests for further info have been refused.

She confessed during an argument about something else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

She "didn't mean it" probably means it's not panning out for her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If she's hiding details and still not willing to demonstrate true remorse, she's more concerned about the OM, her reputation, and who knows what else than she is concerned about you and your marriage. 

So what are you willing to do about that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen man, some hard things to hear...

It's very, very likely that she had sex with him. I mean, it's possible they didn't, but not probable. Does that change anything?

It's likely you were her plan 'B' that she only went back to when it didn't work out with this guy. The affair fog is strong... and she won't be thinking clearly.

When she said she loved him that likely meant that she was planning on leaving you for him. Does that change anything for you?

When she said she didn't mean it, and that THEY'VE decided not to contact each other that likely meant he dumped her and now she's settling for you. Does that change anything for you?

My advice? Sit with the ideas above and decide if you want to still be in this. If not, you know what to do -- do it quickly and cleanly for you and your kids' sake.

If you still want to be in this:
1. ask her if she still wants to be in this and if she deserves it.
2. get both IC and MC. Insist.
3. sit her down and insist on total honesty and tell her you will accept her answer and work on this no matter what... but if you find out more in the future that will be different. No more lies.
4. insist on total transparency with all communications. Starting immediately, total access to email, FB, texting, before she can delete things.
5. get some buddies if you don't already. You're in for a rough ride, and I wish you the best man.


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## historyguy (Jun 23, 2014)

Thank you for your responses folks. I'll sit down, have a think and decide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Unless your wife is totally open with all her communications, she might still be hiding something.

Look up posts by Weightlifter for some great advice on how to get the information that you are going to need.

Sorry you are here for your reasons.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

historyguy said:


> Howdy folks. I'm new and I hope I'm posting in the right place.
> 
> Anyway, I sure hope someone can help me as my head's a bit all over the place at the moment.
> 
> ...


Does it really matter if it got physical? Isn't the emotional betrayal enough?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Noble1 said:


> Unless your wife is totally open with all her communications, she might still be hiding something.
> 
> Look up posts by Weightlifter for some great advice on how to get the information that you are going to need.
> 
> Sorry you are here for your reasons.


Put a var in her car now!
And one in the house.
She has to be totally transparent with you regarding the phone computer ect.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Plenty of people will be along to tell you and help how to run this. 

Number one rule: always watch her actions, don't listen to her words. 

So she says "I broke it off" yet hides her phone.

Cheaters use trickle truth. "We only kissed" turns into "it was just a blow job"

And my favorite, the hamster wheel of rationalization, "our marriage was in a bad spot, and he was there for me". 

Beware of the script, it's all the same. 

You need to be strong, disengage, and remember THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANYWAY. 

We can take responsibility for being half of a bad marriage, but it is never a betrayed spouses fault the other one cheated. 

Run the 180. Read some successful threads here of both divorce and reconciliation. Know what your in for.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

historyguy said:


> Thank you for your responses folks. I'll sit down, have a think and decide.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Voice activated recorder in her car will get you current status in about a. day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## historyguy (Jun 23, 2014)

Thanks folks.

Turns out, she wants to split although she assures me that it's nothing to do with the other guy. She did however offer to stay with me if she could keep seeing him. I politely declined.

I don't see any point in pressing for more info. I want to spend my time with people who want to share it. 

I'm out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

My guess is he dumped her. But you have to make sure. Voice activated recorder is great advice. Velcro it securely underneath her seat in the car. Buy the Sony (I don't know the model number). Also quietly look at phone records and texts and emails.

She doesn't think she did anything wrong is troubling. And you seem a bit too easy-going about this. She needs to send this guy a no contact letter. And she should be begging forgiveness. Blaming your relationship is her rationalization hamster talking. She's 100 percent to blame for this. Both of you need an education on boundaries.

And an admission of kissing means it went minimum a couple of steps beyond that.

Edit: I posted before I saw post #17. Looks like you're not too easygoing about this. Time for you to do the 180. "I'm out" is the correct mindset.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

historyguy said:


> Thanks folks.
> 
> Turns out, she wants to split although she assures me that it's *nothing to do with the other guy.* She did however offer to stay with me if she could keep seeing him. I politely declined.
> 
> ...


It's EVERYTHING to do with the other guy.

I agree with you. Spend your time elsewhere. I'm sorry you're in this position, but your wife is messed up and delusional.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

wow, 
"if I can't see the other guy, I want to split"
"If I can see the other guy, I'll stay" 
"this has nothing to do with the other guy"

what?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Oh it's gone physical alright. Horny adults only kiss, innocent adults have sex? Wrong.

Once she moves in with him and sees the jerk that he is or maybe he dumps her. - then, she will see the error of her ways and come crawling back to you. Btw, you are probably plan B. She needs a fallback plan if plan A fails. Watch actions not words. Ignore words. . Affair cheats will always tell you what you want to hear to maintain you as plan B. You need to have a VAR going now.

Execute 180. Go dark and investigate as needed. Expose OM to his family and your WW too. Get a lawyer start the D process. That sometimes wakes them up too. 

Never tell her your info source. She will try like hell to see how you know what you know. Time to play chess to her checkers.

Also for your own benefit. Read MMSLP now. Time to man-up!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

historyguy said:


> Thanks folks.
> 
> Turns out, she wants to split although she assures me that it's nothing to do with the other guy. She did however offer to stay with me if she could keep seeing him. I politely declined.
> 
> ...


Expose to friends and family tonight especially her family and ask for support.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Q tip said:


> Oh it's gone physical alright. Horny adults only kiss, innocent adults have sex? Wrong.
> 
> Once she moves in with him and sees the jerk that he is or maybe he dumps her. - then, she will see the error of her ways and come crawling back to you. Btw, you are probably plan B. She needs a fallback plan if plan A fails. Watch actions not words. Ignore words. . Affair cheats will always tell you what you want to hear to maintain you as plan B. You need to have a VAR going now.
> 
> ...


:iagree: historyguy, pay attention to this.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

historyguy said:


> Howdy folks. I'm new and I hope I'm posting in the right place.
> 
> Anyway, I sure hope someone can help me as my head's a bit all over the place at the moment.
> 
> Thing is, my wife's confessed to meeting a younger male friend in secret and going back to his place, stepping out arm in arm, that kind of thing. She says they've kissed but swears that's all.


There is no "that's all". That's enough. She kissed him, so its more than emotional, as if it makes any difference.

Secondly, bullsh*t. She didn't go back to his place and just kiss. She's a liar.




> She admits to lying about going to a female friend's place and going to his instead. She says they've only met a few times over the past year.


What is this "only" sh*t? What is it about cheaters that think if its "only" a time or two that makes a difference?




> She won't hear a word against him.


What do you mean? Does this mean if you badmouth the guy that she gets mad? 



> She says the only time she feels normal or that she matters is when she is with him.


Oh boo effin hoo. She is married, she isn't the center of attention or single any longer, so now she feels like she matters to someone other than her husband.




> She claims to have given him up and says that even though she confessed she had feelings for him and he confessed the same to her, they agreed to not have any more contact. She says she misses him.


And now her pining for him becomes your problem. 



> She doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong.


Then she isn't remorseful or sorry. Perhaps its time to sit her down and discuss her moving out and in with him and getting papers drawn up.

She says she is "bored"? Then she isn't fit for marriage. Get rid of her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK. This is what you do. Get an STD/HIV test ASAP. 

Then demand a DNA test on your child.

These are not necessarily for the purpose stated on the tin (to test for STDs or for paternity) the purpose here is to show your wife how much she has hurt you and that you are now unable to believe anything she has ever said or done.

You might also get her to do a Lie Detector test with these three questions as used on the Jeremy Kyle Show:
1) Since you got married have you ever passionately kissed a man other than your husband?
2) Since you got married have you ever had any sexual contact with a man other than your husband?
3) Since you got married have you ever had sexual intercourse with a man other than your husband?

And www.cheaterville.com for the soon to be unhappy couple.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Q tip said:


> Oh it's gone physical alright. Horny adults only kiss, innocent adults have sex? Wrong.
> 
> Once she moves in with him and sees the jerk that he is or maybe he dumps her. - then, she will see the error of her ways and come crawling back to you. Btw, you are probably plan B. She needs a fallback plan if plan A fails. Watch actions not words. Ignore words. . Affair cheats will always tell you what you want to hear to maintain you as plan B. You need to have a VAR going now.
> 
> ...


Please for Gods sake don't be plan B!!!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

historyguy said:


> Thanks folks.
> 
> Turns out, she wants to split although she assures me that it's nothing to do with the other guy. She did however offer to stay with me if she could keep seeing him. I politely declined.
> 
> ...


Good for you. I would politely go one step further and politely ask her to have her things out of your place by the end of the week. If she refuses, I'd politely pack them up for her when she's not home.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

_"We have been together for 10 years, married for 7 and have a 5 year old. She says she's* bored and blames our relationship* (not always perfect I'll admit) for everything."_


You're screwed. It's not the relationship; it's her. She cheated because she could, it was exciting, and it was all about her (your feelings not important).

That's the thing about new relationships, new conquests, etc: they're exciting. After a while in a long-term relationship, though, you know all of your partner's stories, you've seen them changing diapers with no sleep and grumpy, and so on.

You can't and shouldn't compete with the exitement and uncertaininty when you both agreed to a monogamous relationship. She doesn't get to change the rules all by herself and hold you to those same terms at the same time. She violated the partnership contract.

So what are you gonna do? She's not taking any responsibility for her own behavior.

Who else is responsible for her behavior? Nobody but her can be responsible for her behavior. She's a grown-up.

I wouldn't expect a woman to stay with a unrepentant man who did this either, FWIW.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Just remember, people lie with words often.

People lie with actions rarely.

People lie with body language never.

Listen to her words, but watch when her actions or her body language tell you the opposite. Listen to body language first, actions second, and words... well... only when they align with her body and her actions.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- get tested for STDs asap.
See a lawyer and file as soon as number 1 is done.


She may change her mind after you file, but she surely won't do so before that.

Her desire to split has everything to do with POSOM.

She loves him, went back to his place, stepped out arm in arm, wants to be done with the marriage- ONLY kissed him... yeah right.

Kissing is physical and cheater speak for boning. 

Focus on yourself. do a hard 180 and move forward with your life. Either she gets her head out of her arse or she gets left in the dust.

Good Luck
WD


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

historyguy said:


> Thanks folks.
> 
> Turns out, she wants to split although she assures me that it's nothing to do with the other guy. She did however offer to stay with me if she could keep seeing him. I politely declined.
> 
> ...


 Then here's what you do. Go to Home Depot and buy a bunch of moving boxes, bring them home and tell her to start packing and stop only for bathroom breaks and a cup of coffee every four hours.

While your out, hit the bank and start a new checking and savings account in your name only, cancel your credit cards and open them up in your name only.

Above all, let her know that this is what she wants and your only expediting things so she can get back to her new guy and you don't want her to screw things up with him and above all, give her no wiggle room to negotiate because sure as God made green apples, the tears will flow and it isn't tears of remorse, it's tears of fear of the unknown that just hit her dead in the ass. 

Just remember the real good option she gave you, she'll stay with you if she could still see him. So much for any remorse The sooner she's gone the better you'll be.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Like Dennis Fong said, something very wrong!!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Is she moving out? Who gets the five year old? Is her plan to abandon her child for this POS? note he is still in the picture. She wouldn't want a split if he wasn't around. 

As others said, expose to all friends and family. Consult with 10 lawyers, hire one. Sue for sole custody. She's a lying, unremorseful cheat.

And she just happened to run into him on the street after 15 years? Bull. Fu-kin. Sh-t. They planned to meet up via social media.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that your not interested reconciliation.

Even if you are not DO NOT MORE OUT of your house until you think this through. If you do, that other guy will be living in your house, with your child in short order.

And don't let her move out with your child. Tell her to move out with your daughter. See if she will do that. You cannot force her to move out. But you can ask.

So what are your plans? What does the divorce look like?

What is the child support and alimony situation in your state?

Does she earn a lot less than you do?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, it's physical. 

If she wants to see him and live with you, he is likely married and/or has a girlfriend. 

Your wife has a lot of nerve to ask you if she can sleep with another man while you help pay the bills and become her roommate. 

Yes, out is a good solution. 

Tell the other man's wife or girlfriend.


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## historyguy (Jun 23, 2014)

She says she only ever went back to his place to hang out, that he kissed her and that she didn't respond.

She says he doesn't have a girlfriend. She says she told him she'd been married but had split from her husband.

I pressed her for more info last night. She deleted a load of stuff off her laptop, destroyed both facebook profiles and threatened suicide.

Lots of things not adding up about this. 

Frankly, I only originally wanted to know if it was an actual emotional affair or not. Had my eyes opened.

I'm getting rid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I pressed her for more info last night. She deleted a load of stuff off her laptop, destroyed both facebook profiles and threatened suicide."

This definitely wasn't as 'innocent' as she is claiming if she has reacted like this. It is almost certainly a full blown PA AND she is terrified of being exposed as a cheater.

File for D immediately and expose the A to both of your families and all friends.

Find out all you can about POS...if he does have a gf or W, then expose this sh*tbag to her and give him something else to do other than chasing your WW.


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## historyguy (Jun 23, 2014)

I am not perfect, I've made mistakes but have never looked outside our marriage either physically or emotionally. 

Apparently, the OM saw us out as a family one day around Christmas time and wondered what was going on. He supposedly walked into the restaurant where we were sat and turned round and left in shock without her seeing him. He only told her this in the phone call a few days ago, the call where she swears she cut all contact with him and asked him not to contact her. She's more upset about him not telling her about seeing us than anything else about the whole business. Says a lot.

When she text him to tell him she wanted no more contact he text back asking to ring her and she did as she was told, completely out of earshot. This was the call that supposedly ended it. She was upset that it took him til the next day to reply and it was like she'd been pumped full of enthusiasm and excitement when he DID respond. 

He supposedly maintains they've only ever been "just friends" but he was waiting for her to tell him what was going on in her lovelife after he saw us out, like he has some kind of right to know. 

She's now refusing to discuss the matter ever again, swears it was nothing and now has the attitude of someone who's been wronged. Fair enough. Sick to the back teeth of arguing about it to be honest. 

We're in the UK. Not sure about English divorce law but shall be looking up about it by the end of the day. What I know is that beyond practicalities of having dealings for the sake of our child, we won't even be friends now. That's it for me.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So she was "cheating" on him with you, at Christmas time, according to her. You can't take anything she says at face value. It is possible she told him she was separated, and perhaps he has a smidgen of moral fiber so he broke it off when he found out otherwise. Who knows.

One thing that is for sure, if she was alone in his apartment several times, they did more than just kiss. Unless your wife is an 8th grader. Grown adults do more than just kiss.

That's twice now that he has randomly bumped into her in public. Once supposedly when they re-met for the first time, then at Christmas time. I don't believe in coincidences, he knew where she would be both times. And scrubbing all her electronics? She's even more of a liar than we thought.

And the demand to never discuss it again? Tell her to get the f--k out, then there is no need to talk about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry your are here, if you have not read this thread I suggest you do:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

historyguy said:


> She's now refusing to discuss the matter ever again, swears it was nothing and now has the attitude of someone who's been wronged. Fair enough. Sick to the back teeth of arguing about it to be honest.


Arguing about it won't change it anyway. All arguing is about is manipulation, IMO. On the one hand, you can't argue her out of her feelings, and on the other she's trying to flip the script on you just like she did by blaming the relationship. You're dealing with somebody who is behaving in a highly manipulative manner.

To me, the whole "threatened suicide" bit really drove home exactly how manipulative she is being right now. It's like a child threating to hold their breath until they turn blue unless they can stay up and watch TV. It's all about her, and she isn't acknowledging the wrong done. She just doesn't want there to be consequences for what she has done.

A truly remorseful person wouldn't expect any leniency. A truly remorseful person would just apologize, knowing they broke up their own marriage, and they deserve the full weight of the consequences.




historyguy said:


> We're in the UK. Not sure about English divorce law but shall be looking up about it by the end of the day. What I know is that beyond practicalities of having dealings for the sake of our child, we won't even be friends now. That's it for me.


Good for you. I suggest you engage a solicitor post-haste, separate finances, and get some sort of formal separation agreement into place before she's had time to formulate her own plan (because her plan is not likely to consider impacts on you--she's proven that already). I'd get her out of the house if I were you because this is going to be more difficult for you otherwise.

You also need to consider practical things like child care and really step up for your kid right now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

historyguy said:


> Turns out, she wants to split although she assures me that it's nothing to do with the other guy. She did however offer to stay with me if she could keep seeing him. I politely declined.


The first part of that negates the second part. She is full of sh*t. Good for you for declining. 

I would tell her you are done. To get her stuff and to get out. That you aren't going to help pay her rent/mortgage side of things while she has keeps on with this guy.

My bet is it will crumble soon anyway. 

I say, good riddance. She has made her choice since she's told you she wants out. You are right-you deserve better. Let her go and tell her to leave.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

historyguy said:


> He supposedly maintains they've only ever been "just friends" but he was waiting for her to tell him what was going on in her lovelife after he saw us out, like he has some kind of right to know.


Well, from his POV, she told him she was split from you. So seeing you together probably threw him for a loop. She lied to him. And to you.

I say, tell her she is welcome to leave. Protect yourself and say GOODBYE.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

historyguy

good for you. Take out the trash.

Your wife does not deserve your friendship. Not one minute of it.

Here are some wise words for you.



> The stupid neither forgive nor forget.
> The naive forgive and forget.
> The wise forgive but do not forget.


Move on and have a great life with your kid.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

historyguy said:


> I am not perfect, I've made mistakes but have never looked outside our marriage either physically or emotionally.
> 
> Apparently, the OM saw us out as a family one day around Christmas time and wondered what was going on. He supposedly walked into the restaurant where we were sat and turned round and left in shock without her seeing him. He only told her this in the phone call a few days ago, the call where she swears she cut all contact with him and asked him not to contact her. She's more upset about him not telling her about seeing us than anything else about the whole business. Says a lot.
> 
> ...


Dude, sounds like this is all on your cheating wife and the guy may be just caught up in her BS storm.

I'd give him a shout. Lay it on the line. You never know, he may be straight up and give you the raw deal on what happened.

I've never even heard of a wife cheating and having the dude not even know she was married. And sorry, her refusing to ever talk about her AFFAIR again like you're making a big deal over nothing is just making me laugh out loud.

Sorry dude. Double whammy, your wife is. I agree with the others; lawyer up, bring home boxes for her to pack and get the hell out.

But for curiosity's sake, if it were me, I'd give the guy a call and hear out his side. See what matches and what doesn't.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

historyguy said:


> .
> I pressed her for more info last night. She deleted a load of stuff off her laptop, destroyed both facebook profiles and threatened suicide.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Threatened suicide. Yeah right. Tell her if she does, don't make a mess. 

All that tells you is she's trying to put the pressure on you and save her own ass.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

6301 said:


> Threatened suicide. Yeah right. Tell her if she does, don't make a mess.
> 
> All that tells you is she's trying to put the pressure on you and save her own ass.


Take any suicide threat seriously. Involve someone else close to her (you shouldn't have to deal with it). If there is no one close call the police and let them know she is threatening suicide. If she is serious about suicide this will get her the help she needs and if she's not it teaches her not to use it to manipulate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

That's just too much familiarity between them to believe this wasn't a PA. Of course it was/is.

You've got the right attitude OP. You have to assume you're heading straight for divorce. Implement the 180 to detach from her; follow it to the letter. Don't stop the divorce process - even if she comes begging you back. Post the POSOM on cheaterville.com. Expose her to her family and yours.

If she wants to come back, and you even think about considering R; don't do it unless she is willing to meet *every one* of your expectations. No negotiations, no compromise. Check back here for guidance on what a remorseful spouse looks like and the heavy lifting she would need to do.

But honestly, I don't see that happening and you shouldn't expect it. Move on with your life and find someone who will be faithful to you.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

She's acting pretty dramatic(threatening suicide) for it to have only been a EA...

If I had a nickle for every thread title on here that said emotional affair and turned out to be a physical affair.

I know in the UK asking the WS to take a polygraph test is not as popular as in the US, but I'd tell her that the only way you won't file for D is if she takes a poly.

How can you try to forgive her if you don't even know what you'r going to be trying to forgive?

I'm sorry that yu are going through this. I think that there's a lot more to her story that she hasn't told you.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Historyguy, I am really sorry you are in this situation, it sucks I know, I have been there.

Your wife is having an emotional + physical affair with her POSOM and she is so dip in the fog/read infatuated that she can not see clearly what she is doing.

If you want to reconcile, you need to snap her out of it by asking her to pack her bags and leave without your child, handing her divorce papers . In the meantime find out who this POSOM is and out him out to his girlfriend/wife/family/friends.
Do not believe a word your wife is telling you now-it will be all lies.

Once the affair is out in the open, things will change-he will throw your wife under a bus or they might hook together, which will not last.
The question is what do you want? Can you forgive and reconcile if she comes back bawling her eyes out saying she made a mistake or will you shut the door in her face?
You do not have to make these decisions now, but you must act now to stop the affair.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

There's no way that this wasn't a full-on PA.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

historyguy said:


> She did however offer to stay with me if she could keep seeing him. I politely declined.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh....how magnanimous of her. So selfless of her to allow you to continue enjoying the privilege of her company while she bangs another guy on the side. 


UFB.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

historyguy said:


> She says she only ever went back to his place to hang out, that he kissed her and that she didn't respond.


Bullsh*t. That's why she lied and told you she was going to a gf's place.




> She says he doesn't have a girlfriend. She says she told him *she'd been married but had split from her husband*.


Ya, she didn't respond to his advances my azz. This was premeditated. 




> I pressed her for more info last night. She deleted a load of stuff off her laptop, destroyed both facebook profiles and *threatened suicide*.


Oh god here we go. She is lying her azz off, but rather than face the music she is going to play wag the dog to divert attention from the real problem, her untrustworthiness.



> Frankly, I only originally wanted to know if it was an actual emotional affair or not. Had my eyes opened.
> 
> I'm getting rid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're getting rid? of her? For your sake, I hope so.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

historyguy said:


> She's now refusing to discuss the matter ever again, swears it was nothing and now has the attitude of someone who's been wronged.


Yup, doesn't want to face any consequences and wants to get off easy.

Get an attorney, start the paperwork. Do so without her knowing and let her find out the day she is served.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

historyguy said:


> I am not perfect, I've made mistakes but have never looked outside our marriage either physically or emotionally.
> 
> Apparently, the OM saw us out as a family one day around Christmas time and wondered what was going on. He supposedly walked into the restaurant where we were sat and turned round and left in shock without her seeing him. He only told her this in the phone call a few days ago, the call where she swears she cut all contact with him and asked him not to contact her. She's more upset about him not telling her about seeing us than anything else about the whole business. Says a lot.
> 
> ...


Typical English women. I've never beheld more entitled, amoral chicks in my life.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Just Joe said:


> Take any suicide threat seriously. Involve someone else close to her (you shouldn't have to deal with it). If there is no one close call the police and let them know she is threatening suicide. If she is serious about suicide this will get her the help she needs and if she's not it teaches her not to use it to manipulate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


it's probably a good thing to have a police record of her antics (assuming it's not a real threat) for the custody hearings.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

IF you want to go all 007 standard post below. Its step by step.
BTW stuff can be undeleted from the drive if you can get control of it and put it in a safe place. Not hard to do either.
Standard evidence post pasted below:

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” “I love you but not in love with you.” or version thereof. Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up.

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY!

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality.

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work.

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell.

Credit john1068
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself.

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there.

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ).

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

Credit rodphoto 01162014
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked.

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed.

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward.

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears.

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history!

Credit tacoma 03072014

This Google search history page weightlifter mentioned here doesn't just record the search term it records everything spoken into Google Now by voice command. There is a text read out for everything spoken into the phone through Google Now and since Androids later versions have integrated Google Now right into the OS just about everything spoken into an Android phone is saved at https://google.com/history

Commands to call me, entire voice texts, everything said into the phone is right here. I don't even know how it could be deleted if you wanted to. Considering almost everyone has an Android phone and voice command is becoming more popular this is a nice tool for a BS. It even has every Google Maps/Navigator GPS search saved.


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## historyguy (Jun 23, 2014)

Weightlifter, you're awesome yet scary. In a good way. Cheers for the info.

Contacted lawyer today. Going for the burn. Full custody. Finances secured (she hasn't worked in a decade so it's all mine anyway)

I won't go Bond. No point. I have megatons of stuff I can use in court. I'll go down the Unreasonable Behaviour route and pray she contests because I'll fry her. 

She's now claiming to be bipolar and in need of therapy. Not my problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

historyguy said:


> Weightlifter, you're awesome yet scary. In a good way. Cheers for the info.
> 
> Contacted lawyer today. Going for the burn. Full custody. Finances secured (she hasn't worked in a decade so it's all mine anyway)
> 
> ...


Let me guess, her manic side wants to do this other guy and her depressive side wants to stick with you?

Hilarious.

Chin up man. You'll get through this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

marduk said:


> Let me guess, her manic side wants to do this other guy and her depressive side wants to stick with you?
> 
> Hilarious.
> 
> Chin up man. You'll get through this.


Yea


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She was lying to him and he dumped her once he found out. She never ended it with him and is just trying to save face now


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She is so lying.

You need to get tested for STD's.

She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. Always remember that if you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> She was lying to him and he dumped her once he found out. She never ended it with him and is just trying to save face now


This. :iagree:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

historyguy said:


> Weightlifter, you're awesome yet scary. In a good way. Cheers for the info.
> 
> Contacted lawyer today. Going for the burn. Full custody. Finances secured (she hasn't worked in a decade so it's all mine anyway)_Posted via Mobile Device_


Great. Now listen carefully. DO NOT let her know you are doing this. The day your attorney has her served with papers should be the day she finds out. That way you will have a leg up, she will panic and be scrambling.

Do not let her know you are divorcing her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

historyguy said:


> I'll go down the Unreasonable Behaviour route and pray she contests because I'll fry her.
> 
> She's now claiming to be bipolar and in need of therapy.


 Get her to her make the bipolar claim in writing so that you can use it in your fight for custody of the children.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

TRy said:


> Get her to her make the bipolar claim in writing so that you can use it in your fight for custody of the children.


OP, just tell your attorney this and also tell your attorney that she threatened suicide. Then let the attorney decide what kind of evidence you need and how to get it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

historyguy said:


> She admits to lying
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

historyguy said:


> Turns out, she wants to split although she assures me that it's nothing to do with the other guy. She did however offer to stay with me if she could keep seeing him. I politely declined.


 First she says that the other guy has nothing to do with the split, then she proves otherwise when she tells you that she would stay with you "if she could keep seeing him". If the other guy had nothing to do with the split, seeing him would not be the deciding factor in staying with you. You cannot beleive anything that she says to you.


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## ricsix (Jun 24, 2014)

Save yourself. The damage has been done already. Emotional or physical, trust is gone. Once gone, it is gone.
Be strong for yourself. It takes courage to leave, but the pain you put yourself through would be greater.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

historyguy said:


> I am not perfect, I've made mistakes but have never looked outside our marriage either physically or emotionally.
> 
> Apparently, the OM saw us out as a family one day around Christmas time and wondered what was going on. He supposedly walked into the restaurant where we were sat and turned round and left in shock without her seeing him. He only told her this in the phone call a few days ago, the call where she swears she cut all contact with him and asked him not to contact her. She's more upset about him not telling her about seeing us than anything else about the whole business. Says a lot.
> 
> ...


Damn. Under UK law you can't DNA test your child without her permission.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get her on the Jeremy Kyle Show. *And I am, not joking!*

Be on the Show | Jeremy Kyle


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Strange thing happened to me, years ago.

I was sat in the pub having a drink with a mate and he said: "Bloody Hell! Don't look now but your girlfriend's husband has just walked in the pub!"

I made a choking noise and he said: "Oh, s**t! You didn't know she was still married, did you?"

"No," "I told him. "She led me to believe they were divorced!"

Apparently, they were separated, but not divorced. The death of their daughter at only several months old had been too much for them to cope with.

He had some kind of a breakdown in the pub and began crying about his daughter.  I actually felt ill because of that.

So, sometimes you can find yourself "cheating" without realising it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Damn. Under UK law you can't DNA test your child without her permission.


Take the kids to the US and they can visit Uncle Maury Povich.

He gives every kid a DNA test for free.

Just like your social Medicine.

Cheers!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Damn. Under UK law you can't DNA test your child without her permission.


You can't piss on the lawn in your back yard in England without the governments permission....

Orwellian.....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You can't piss on the lawn in your back yard in England without the governments permission....
> 
> Orwellian.....


To be honest, Bandit, I think that's probably true. If a neighbour complains it might be an indecent exposure charge.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

historyguy said:


> Weightlifter, you're awesome yet scary. In a good way. Cheers for the info.
> 
> Contacted lawyer today. Going for the burn. Full custody. Finances secured (she hasn't worked in a decade so it's all mine anyway)
> 
> ...


Hail to America's largest most scenic aircraft carrier from across the pond.
I know i get scared... When i look in the mirror.

Btw i think the infidelity angle kills off the one year separation requirement in the uk.

I know it hurts but chin up. Statistically you will love again. Read the stories of bff or whyeme (his graduation post is in my signature) for bad starts and epic wins.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> To be honest, Bandit, I think that's probably true. If a neighbour complains it might be an indecent exposure charge.


Is that where you would say to the neighbor "Piss off!"  ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Is that where you would say to the neighbor "Piss off!"  ?


Or do what my wife says. Drink lots of beer, fill a watering can and use it to start off the composter!

Now that part of gardening I am OK with!:smthumbup:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Or do what my wife says. Drink lots of beer, fill a watering can and use it to start off the composter!
> 
> Now that part of gardening I am OK with!:smthumbup:


You piss in your compost?  You truly are the most bizarre bloke I've ever come across.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You piss in your compost?  You truly are the most bizarre bloke I've ever come across.


It's quite common in the UK! 

Urinate on the compost heap to save the planet says the National Trust - Telegraph


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You can't piss on the lawn in your back yard in England without the governments permission....
> 
> Orwellian.....


That's because there might be someone living on your back lawn.

Even if they're there illegally, they might still be able to vote and it's not the politician's back yard. 

60 - 70 million people on a postage stamp sized chunk of land...
I imagine it's pretty difficult to find a place to live there that isn't a fishbowl (or the Shetlands).


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Damn. Under UK law you can't DNA test your child without her permission.


 Actually either legal guardian (parent) can give permission. The issue comes when you are not married, and when you are also not listed on the birth certificate as the father.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Families Need Fathers


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

One last little thing I'm gonna put in here -- in your rush to take action, don't forget about the best interests of your child as you decide what to seek in the divorce. If you want sole custody because it's better for the child (or just want to open with it as a bargaining strategy) do that by all means. But don't ultimately do it if you don't think it's good for your child.


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## Ari (May 19, 2010)

Hi historyguy

Sorry to hear of your heart break 
Tormenting as it is to face, address, confront.
An emotional affair, physical or not is cheating.

But the person being cheated isn't you. The relationship probably has run its course & she is quite probably rebounding with the only constant in her life, you.

If she doesn't come clean or be honest with herself, she will have other affairs. So has she come clean? 
She is still cheating but she's cheating herself out of what could be potentially the only relationship that matters to her. 

She knew at some level what she was doing would crush you, hence she felt she had to lie about their hook ups. 

Before she went there your relationship would have already had cracks, you quite probably didn't want to acknowledge. The loneliest place in the world for any man or woman is to be in a relationship with someone who knows you better than you know yourself & don't get you.

Its not myth, it's what relationships become when the people in them stop noticing the growth or retardation of growth in each other. Or when partners start taking each other for granted. It's not an excuse, it just is.

When I say she's still cheating, what I mean is she probably doesn't even know why she went there in the first place. Until she finds the courage to be honest with herself she is going to 'blame' the life 'she chose' to create with you for better or worse.

If you don't except some responsibility for the breakdown in your relationship, you too are a cheat. Things don't just happen. 

From the outside looking in; the way I see it she has caught up with some one she met at a time in her life when life was great, no doubt a time when it was all about her. He knew her back then. He revived a spark you created & let go out.

Nothing happened then, but something did years later. Why? 
Is she still the same woman you fell in love with & wanted to spend the rest of your life with way back when, before this happened? Did you recognise that woman? Did you notice the changes taking place within her? She supported your growth, and you just wanting to make everything work for both of you forgot what made coming home the place to be.

The question shouldn't be is she still seeing him or not? 
Maybe you should be asking how you both got to this point & do you still want to go beyond it together. 

Don't chase ghosts, what's done is done. 
Move past this, build & grow or start again. Be honest.

P.s when you love someone, you don't stop loving them. 
You don't not marry them either. Just saying

I hope on some level this helps


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ari said:


> Hi historyguy
> 
> Sorry to hear of your heart break
> Tormenting as it is to face, address, confront.
> ...


So Ari, you think the cheated on spouse is responsible for the fact that they were cheated on? And that they are somehow also a cheater? :wtf:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Ari said:


> If you don't except some responsibility for the breakdown in your relationship, you too are a cheat.


This is bizarre.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

No, he's not also a "cheater" but affairs seldom come about because one person just goes, "ooh, gee, think I'll go have an affair..." An affair is a symptom, not the problem, and I think it's very misguided for a BS to think, e.g., "yeah, I work long hours, no, I don't participate in the household work, no, I haven't been affectionate, yes, I'm always exculding my spouse from my activities.....but hey, I'm not the one that cheated!!"

To the OP: instead of going all militant, vengeful, vindictive, and acting like the person you presumably once loved and considered to be a good person, is now the devil spawn herself.....how about you just see it as, an emotional, personal relationship that lost its mojo - like millions of others have done/will do - take care of the logistics, and move on. It amazes me the support someone gets for "sticking it to that ****** ****** like there's no tomorrow." Does that really ever make anyone feel better, in the long run? Is that the kind of person you want to be?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lenzi said:


> This is bizarre.


But not an uncommon belief....unfortunately.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

lenzi said:


> This is bizarre.


It's just more schlock from the "Women who get raped were asking for it" school of thought.


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## hurtingsoul (Feb 21, 2011)

I want to respond by saying that I am on the other side of the coin in that I have had an emotional affair with someone not because I don't love my husband but because h neglects me intimately and emotionally at times. My marriage has been a struggle for the last five years because my husband has all but stopped being sexual with me. to the point we have only had sex 3 times this year and it's already June. He rarely ever kisses me except for chicken pecks and he swears there is no one else but that he just doesn't have his mind on sex anymore. So I go to bed many nights crying because I have no one to be passionate to me.

The person I got involved with started out just being a friend and some one that could give me advice on why my husband does not have sex with me. After a 3 year friendship it began to turn into more. I too told my husband that we were just friends and it never went any father than a kiss but that was a lie. I allowed him to make love to m 4 different times because I felt so unwanted. At the same time even though he neglect me I never wanted my husband to feel I wanted anyone but him so I lied. Because truthfully all I want is my husband but he does not desesire me in that way. This person I have been involved with has became very special to me and makes me feel like a diamond when I am with him. I can even go as far as to say I love him but I will never leave my husband because that's where my real love is even if he wont give me all of him

I told you this story only to say I'm pretty sure she is still in contact with him and she is lying about how much contact they have had. In my world I could not have an emotional affair and just stop cold turkey without missing him everyday and wanting to talk to him. Until you can make her feel as important as he does she will have him on her mind But don't get wrapped up in that but examine what it maybe that you are doing or NOT doing that caused her to go that way. And if you truly love her work with her to fix it. If she still does not respond or continues the affair then you need to let her go and find your happiness


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"An affair is a symptom, not the problem"

I agree...but I would argue that the 'problem' that leads to the A is the lack of character and integrity in the WS...not the M.

I have known dozens of people in unhappy M's, some of which had MAJOR problems, but NEITHER partner cheated.

In the majority of the threads here on TAM, even BSs say the M pre-A had become stale, boring, or unhappy for THEM as well...yet they didn't cheat.

The 'cause' of an A are serious flaws in a WS that stop them from handling issues in the M in an ethical and moral way.


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## WillinTampa (Jun 18, 2014)

historyguy said:


> Howdy folks. I'm new and I hope I'm posting in the right place.
> 
> Anyway, I sure hope someone can help me as my head's a bit all over the place at the moment.
> 
> ...


Um -- yeah! ----and more.

She's a lying sack -- get a lawyer ASAP.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

hurtingsoul said:


> I want to respond by saying that I am on the other side of the coin in that I have had an emotional affair with someone not because I don't love my husband but because h neglects me intimately and emotionally at times. My marriage has been a struggle for the last five years because my husband has all but stopped being sexual with me. to the point we have only had sex 3 times this year and it's already June. He rarely ever kisses me except for chicken pecks and he swears there is no one else but that he just doesn't have his mind on sex anymore. So I go to bed many nights crying because I have no one to be passionate to me.
> 
> The person I got involved with started out just being a friend and some one that could give me advice on why my husband does not have sex with me. After a 3 year friendship it began to turn into more. I too told my husband that we were just friends and it never went any father than a kiss but that was a lie. I allowed him to make love to m 4 different times because I felt so unwanted. At the same time even though he neglect me I never wanted my husband to feel I wanted anyone but him so I lied. Because truthfully all I want is my husband but he does not desesire me in that way. This person I have been involved with has became very special to me and makes me feel like a diamond when I am with him. I can even go as far as to say I love him but I will never leave my husband because that's where my real love is even if he wont give me all of him
> 
> I told you this story only to say I'm pretty sure she is still in contact with him and she is lying about how much contact they have had. In my world I could not have an emotional affair and just stop cold turkey without missing him everyday and wanting to talk to him. Until you can make her feel as important as he does she will have him on her mind But don't get wrapped up in that but examine what it maybe that you are doing or NOT doing that caused her to go that way. And if you truly love her work with her to fix it. If she still does not respond or continues the affair then you need to let her go and find your happiness


Before you embarked on your affair did you ask your husband to:

1). Get his testosterone levels checked?
2). Go to marriage counseling/ sex therapy with you?
3). Get him checked for depression?
4). Get him checked for hypertension?
5). Sit him down and tell him the marriage was in jeopardy?

You realize when he finds out about your affair, that the pain and anguish he will feel will be 100x the pain you have felt from his rejection? Do you realize your affair will destroy your family and annihilate what reputation you have? Is it really worth a few orgasms with a user posing as a "friend"?

And please don't lie to us and tell us you only slept with him 4 times. We're not stupid.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

A shopkeeper get robbed, but because he didn't have an alarm on his door, well then he is a thief too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> A shopkeeper get robbed, but because he didn't have an alarm on his door, well then he is a thief too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I think the metaphor needs work.  But I get what you are saying.

Marriage is a partnership. To use a business metaphor, then, suppose one business partner embezzles money from the business. You will never hear anybody suggest that the defrauded party might have done anything wrong other than making a rather unfortunate decission to trust somebody who didn't deserve that trust. Why not? Because nobody is screwed up enough to suggest that he is also responsible for the embezzlement regardless of how the business was doing.

People bring a lot of bad coping mechanisms and FOO issues into discussions about intimate and romantic relationships, and nowhere is that more true than in discussions about marriage, and that's why you hear screwed up advice like "what did you do to make him smack you around and break your ribs?".

Sad really.


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## Rev. Clonn (Nov 11, 2013)

Ari said:


> Hi historyguy
> 
> Sorry to hear of your heart break
> Tormenting as it is to face, address, confront.
> ...


Really.

NO Really?

What most people forget is that a Wedding is a religious service, creating a marriage.

In sickness and in health
for better or worse,
Forsaking all others.
Til death do us part.

Today you would think it is 
For better or for worse, drunk or sober, in condom or without, till dawn do us part.

This whole thought process of if you weren't a white knight solving every problem before your spouse told you about it you are a cheater too, sickens me.

You should see some of the Talmudic requirements, tiny little changes making the law complete. This is not so hard.

Honor you spouse, honor your vows, and treat others as you would like to be treated.

In this world of easy divorce THERE IS NO REASON TO CHEAT.
Keep your pants on until a judge tells you that you are free to date, self control is lacking, personal responsibility is lacking, common decency is lacking.

Sorry to rant but this has been a bad day for me confronting cheaters who want to blame, God, their spouses, the world, the dog, aliens, anyone but themselves.

We are truly no better than animals.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> A shopkeeper get robbed, but because he didn't have an alarm on his door, well then he is a thief too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, what's a meta for anyway


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Before you embarked on your affair did you ask your husband to:
> 
> 1). Get his testosterone levels checked?
> 2). Go to marriage counseling/ sex therapy with you?
> ...


I agree. You do need to respect that she shared this as advice to HistoryGuy at the same time. That was her purpose.

It is sad people don't understand that the cheater owns responsibility 100%. I hope she takes responsibility and tells him. Looks like she got friended and used. Common...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Q tip said:


> I agree. You do need to respect that she shared this as advice to HistoryGuy at the same time. That was her purpose.
> 
> It is sad people don't understand that the cheater owns responsibility 100%. I hope she takes responsibility and tells him. Looks like she got friended and used. Common...


Oh it's noble that she shared. Too bad she's still in the fog of her affair. Her advice would carry more weight.


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