# Setting boundaries with parents and MIL



## JLynnMann (Apr 6, 2011)

Background: I have 4 children and another on the way. The oldest 2 are with my ex husband, the 3rd is the result of stupidity on my part, and the last 2 are with my hubby now. 

My wonderful husband and I have been together nearly 4 years now and were married in October 2010. We have been a blended family through our whole relationship (except for when we first began dating). 

Hubby has accepted my children with open arms and dealt with the struggles a blended family often has quite well. The children are all content and happy with our family- except maybe our grumpy teenager/want to be a man child. 

There are a couple of things we are dealing with in our blended extended family though. My MIL, his mother, has from pretty much day one tried to discipline my children with myself in the same room and even butted in when I am talking to them to voice her view of the discipline. Doesn't seem she much approves of my style of parenting. I have rarely swatted my child's tushies- mainly only when they put themselves in a situation where they could be hurt badly. 
I am a time out mom and also believe that often talking to my children calmly and rationally can and does solve the problem. 

My 6 year old has extreme ADHD and is on autism spectrum. He was just finally diagnosed last year after much testing. Before that he was and still can be quite the handful and I know this. However from the moment his mother met myself and my son she began disciplining him. 
She never spanked him which is a good thing because I am certain I would have flew into a rage. She often chased him down and would attempt to make him sit calmly or she would tell me how to take care of 'the problem'. It seems that any view that is not hers is wrong and unacceptable.
She still, to this day, will jump into the middle of my disciplining my children or she will discipline them with myself in the room because of what she considers bad behavior.

I allow my children some freedom to make choices even at a young age (unless of course there is danger involved). I have allowed my children to 'help' wash the dishes or fix dinner, etc. If a mess is made it is mine to clean up afterwards and I accept that. I encourage them when they desire to help or want to learn something. 
She considers this wasteful and a mess. Explaining my side does no good as I have tried. I usually just remove my children from her and we don't visit often as I do not want her views pushed on myself and my children.
I feel it is a lack of respect on her part. My husband just says thats how she raised them so its all she knows. I think he just accepts thats who she is. I, on the other hand, am NOT impressed.
She can be a very kind person and has shown this. When my dog passed away I recieved a sympathy card from her. When my birthday comes around I recieve cards most of the time. When my grandmother passed away she called and offered condolences and offered her help in anyway possible. With the current pregnancy I am close to being put on bed rest and she has offered to do anything I need her to.
While these offers have been nice and I am appreciative I also find myself wondering her motives at times. Is this all just a way to pry or force her way in the door? Maybe I'm a bit too skeptical at this point.

She has been upset with me over not seeing her son or granddaughter as much as she wants to. Also upset because I and hubby created a united front against her just showing up unannounced any time she wanted to. Now she calls or texts first but is sort of angry in her tone about it, such as- "I wanted to make sure it would be okay if I stopped by today. Could you run that by the little wife?" So I know I'm being blamed for all of that too.

My question is this: How do I put my foot down without stomping a relationship that I am more than willing to be in IF I feel respected? I feel that I have been raising my children just fine without her input for years before she came in the picture so surely I'm not doing a horrid job. Am I being unrealistic in my opinions? 
Thanks in advance. :scratchhead:


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