# Forced Intimacy, Sex & Punishment in Marital Bedroom



## isabellakelly (Feb 28, 2013)

As a new member, I want to thank the creators of this forum as well as the community of members for providing feedback, advice, and encouragement.

I’m a practicing Catholic and was a virgin until my wedding night last year when I was 25 years old. I was raised in a religious family, and was essentially brainwashed into believing I should not have premarital sex even though I had more than a handful of opportunities prior to getting married. 

So now I’ve been married for a little over 1 year to my husband who is 20 yrs older than me. He’s 46 and has a daughter from a previous marriage. 

I have very limited sexual experience other than with him. When we were dating and then engaged he respected my beliefs, and honored no sex until we were married. For a brief time right after getting married we had what I would describe as ‘traditional’ ‘vanilla’ vaginal sex; and also I’ve never been particularly fond of giving oral sex which frustrates him – I know. 

Then about two months into our marriage, he confided he wants to approach sex more like he’s the older more experienced one (which he is) and he wants to ‘corrupt’ me – like I’m totally innocent and he’s going to just ‘have his way with me’ as he ‘teaches me’ about more ‘imaginative sexual exploration’. These quotes are phrases he often uses when trying to convince me that I should ‘surrender my inhibitions’ and that the only way I’m going to ‘grow sexually’ is to submit to him ‘totally’. 

What I can’t wrap my head around is he wants me to act like I’m a teenage schoolgirl and wear a very real school uniform in a lead up to sex. What especially creeps me out is that he bought the same EXACT uniform his 15 year old daughter wears to her school. This isn’t a skimpy sexy outfit like adult strippers might wear, but is a real schoolgirl uniform from his daughter’s school!

I cringe as a write this because the whole thing creeps me out - when I emerge from the bathroom after putting "it" on, he becomes very aggressive, - one of the big things he wants is to spank me – I’m not talking a smack on the butt during sex – but rather pulling me over his knee and spanking me for REAL to the point that I’m literally (not playfully) begging him to stop. 

Then his thing is to demand oral sex from me the way HE wants it – (him holding my head and totally controlling when I can back off, which makes me want to puke.)

What I don’t get is does he envision doing this to his own daughter by having me dress like her in the same school outfit? Am I supposed to be her, or just someone her age in his mind? Does he resent me for not being more experienced and liberal in my sexual limits even though he respected my sexual inexperience before getting married?

I am to the point where I physically feel sick when he wants to have sex, and don’t understand where all of this came from or how to even begin correcting it.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

This sounds like it is leading into dangerous territory. Like physical and/or sexual abuse. 




isabellakelly said:


> As a new member, I want to thank the creators of this forum as well as the community of members for providing feedback, advice, and encouragement.
> 
> I’m a practicing Catholic and was a virgin until my wedding night last year when I was 25 years old. I was raised in a religious family, and was essentially brainwashed into believing I should not have premarital sex even though I had more than a handful of opportunities prior to getting married.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Wow....it appears he likes role playing, forced oral and discipline. I suspect you have married someone into BDSM. Try googling it or reading this article and see if it sounds familar.
http://www.transcendingboundaries.org/resources/bdsm-101.html
As far as what to do, you need to have a serious talk with him about how this is making you feel. If he is into BDSM, that is something you need to discuss...it isn't for everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I suspect that he was ok with your boundaries before you were married, but he figures that once you're a wife those reservations are supposed to go away.

In any case, this kind of play sounds like the kind of thing that is supposed to be negotiated beforehand....possibly with a safeword.


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## Myla84 (Feb 22, 2013)

I had the same issues in my marriage. He is 17 years older and I was a virgin before marriage.
5 years after we god married (had 2 kids) my husband wanted to do Domestic discipline marriage and threatened to leave me if I refuse. I agreed. It lasted for 5 month or so: spanking, school girl outfits, ect. I hated it but he seemed to enjoy it. I wanted him to be happy but I was miserable. I asked him million times to stop and finally he did. 
Did you agree to it at some level? If you hate it and he doesn't listen to your opinion it is abuse It will ruin your marriage and trust in him. It took me a while to forgive my husband.


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

He sounds like he is into some heavy BDSM (Bondage-Discipline/Sado-Masochism). 

The thing about true bdsm, is that both parties are fully aroused and turned on by it. There are many women who enjoy the aspect of playing the submissive role. I suspect you are not one of them. 

I think most likely he fantasizes about the younger girls that he his daughter goes to school with, and not her. 

I am into BDSM myself. But on a consensual level, meaning that I say what I am and am not comfortable with. If my husband ever tried to shove his thingy in my face forcefully without first discussing it with me, I would get up, tell him the sex was over, and leave the room.

Trust me when I tell you that he doesnt resent you because you are sexually inexperienced, but CHOSE you because you arent sexually experienced. 

You are not a plaything or a sex-toy (unless you would like pretend that you are). Sex is supposed to be a mutually gratifying experience.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Wow, I can see how that would be scary if you aren't into that! Let him know what your boundaries are. And don't do anything sexual you find scary, because instead of easing into something you've never tried, you will feel forced and resentful. 

Tell him what YOU find sexy. Ask him to give you a backrub and make lots of noises. Be verbal, "I love it when you _____." Maybe oral would be more enjoyable if you are 100% in control. When he tries to take over or be rougher than you like, STOP. Tell him you are in charge of it. 

Oh and I cannot emphasize the importance of a safe word in any kind of sexual situation. Both partners need to know when something is painful or uncomfortable.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

The fact that he bought you the same uniform as his daughter is really revolting.

I suggest marital counseling. 

Do not do things you are uncomfortable with. He should have been upfront about his desires before marraige. What he has done is trick you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Holy Frickin Geez people, it's just an older man/schoolgirl fantasy he wants to act out. Probably the most NORMAL fantasy any man ever has had. Good gravy, it doesn't mean he's a pedophile!! And I say that as someone who has two daughters himself and have asked my wife to dress in schoolgirl outfits sometimes. Everything he is doing here is perfectly normal and there would be NOTHING wrong with this - if it was consensual. 

And on that note, since you are not enjoying it or the spankings, then he should stop. It doesn't matter that he's old enough to be your dad. he isn't your dad, he's your husband, so you can talk to him as an equal partner about your concerns. Tell him why this bothers you, and then he can explain in his own words why he finds this a thrill. Then you both can decide how you want to play this out, if at all. Maybe you would be ok with it, if he wasn't so forceful? Try to find some kind of compromise you both can enjoy.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

He wants you dressed in the same school girl outfit that his daughter wears? Creepy and wrong. There is nothing NORMAL about this. How are you able to have any feelings except revulsion for him now?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Nothing wrong with BDSM as long as it is consensual. It doesn't sound like she had any idea he was into it. BDSM isn't something you just spring on someone...this is something that should be agreed to first. That being said I recommend she do some reading up on the subject, have a conversation with him about boundaries and options...maybe rolev play a maid or nurse or something shes more comfortable with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Soooo,
Let me ask you all this question,
Suppose his daughter was a young nurse and he wanted his wife to wear a nurse costume during sex?
Would that also make him a pervert?
Suppose he didn't have a daughter , but still wanted her to wear the exact, same school uniform?
Would that be perverted also?

My point is that the man respected all _her_ boundaries before marriage, and she was a strict virgin, with no experience.
He is a much older, way more experienced man.
I think some sort of open , frank discussions and compromise is necessary on both sides.
And yes, matters like these are best discussed prior to marriage.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Soooo,
> Let me ask you all this question,
> Suppose his daughter was a young nurse and he wanted his wife to wear a nurse costume during sex?
> Would that also make him a pervert?
> ...


Mr. CM,

I agree with what you said above,

Anyway,

What I cannot figure out is, if Mrs. Kelly's husband wanted to marry a younger woman who are very much into sex, why did he marry a completely naive virgin?

Why not marrying a more experienced woman instead?

It's like buying a Lenovo computer to run Apple Operating System. Yes, it is possible to hack the Lenovo to run an illegal version of Apple's Snow Leopard OS, but not without difficulties and complications.

It is possible to "corrupt" a virgin (his word) into being a woman whom are very much into advanced sexual role-playing.. but also, not without difficulties, complications and bad consequences.

The fact that Mrs. Kelly herself is now feeling physically sick due to sex, and now seek for advice in this forum, is already an indication of difficulties and complications from her husband's behavior.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Soooo,
> Let me ask you all this question,
> Suppose his daughter was a young nurse and he wanted his wife to wear a nurse costume during sex?
> Would that also make him a pervert?
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Soooo,
> Let me ask you all this question,
> Suppose his daughter was a young nurse and he wanted his wife to wear a nurse costume during sex?
> Would that also make him a pervert?
> ...


Speaking as a woman, if he was asking his wife to dress up in, essentially, his daughter's nurse uniform, then yes that would also be creepy. A "naughty nurse" outfit would be way, way, less icky. As would a "naughty schoolgirl" uniform. Those would clearly be fantasy. What he's asking is not for "naughty whatever" but for her to actually legitimately appear to be a 14-15 year old. Just like his daughter and her friends. For me, that's just got a serious pervy vibe to it.

That, added to the post-wedding surprise bdsm slant that she's too sexually inexperienced to know how to deal with, just sends alarm bells screaming in my head. 

I do, however, understand that not everyone would feel that way and that both role play and bdsm are perfectly acceptable if done as part of gratifying sex between two consenting adults. But in this situation the sex is not gratifying for her. It doesn't even seem to be all that consensual.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Speaking as a woman, if he was asking his wife to dress up in, essentially, his daughter's nurse uniform, then yes that would also be creepy. A "naughty nurse" outfit would be way, way, less icky. As would a "naughty schoolgirl" uniform. Those would clearly be fantasy. What he's asking is not for "naughty whatever" but for her to actually legitimately appear to be a 14-15 year old. Just like his daughter and her friends. For me, that's just got a serious pervy vibe to it.


:iagree: I don't think many would be comfortable with that.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Mr. CM,
> 
> I agree with what you said above,
> 
> ...


Those were just some options....personally I would go get a school girl outfit from an adult store that made me feel sexy and a cute little paddle (set boundary -three swat limit). I can understand not wanting to wear the same as the one her step daughter is wearing. Its all about joint consent and joint enjoyment. Personally I think he is just a little to enthusiastic to get her into his sexual play....his is trying to much to soon with no communication...he is not "corrupting her" he is frieghtening her and turning her against it. I don't think he realizes it. Again, I woild recommend discussing it with him...he won't know how you feel unless you tell him.

The restianing oral sex(restraining her head), there a few women who tolerate that....personally I let the hubster know real quick that restraining my head was not allowed the first time he tried it... slapped his hands and pulled away immediately...I laughed and said you do know I have teeth in that mouth right... I'm a bit of a smart a**.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

I would say the bigger issue here is consent. Grabbing someone when they don't want to be grabbed, preventing them from backing away when they want to, that's non consensual sex. It may BA a dominance thing, but it's wrong. IMHO, unless he cleared it beforehand.

As for the fantasy, the schoolgirl thing is pretty common. One might wish he had bought some other schook's uniform, but you'd still be wearing the clothes of someone his daughter's age. Given the age gap there may be some aspect of him hitting his forties and needing to have that "fresh young thing." He might have been "upgrading to the new model." Definitely he's interested in sex with significantly younger women: you ARE one. Going from young twenty something to high school girl isn't nearly the stretch you might imagine.

I hope you guys can work through your issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

Did you ever consider why a man 20 years older wanted to marry you?


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,I can understand you feeling creeped out but asked yourself
He married you and does he love you and treat you good?
If he is a decent guy,don,t be afraid to have an honest open talk
about sex with him.Maybe both off you can come to an agreement,where both of you will be happy.

Seeing that your inexperienced,anything different is probably very intimidating and uncomfortable.If your mind isn't into it your body will shut down.Role playing and fantasy is not all that strange and seeing that your younger,pretty allows him to fill this one fantasy.

Don't be afraid to talk with your husband and set some boundaries.
Your newly married so now is the time,don't let 20 yrs pass to do this.So you know men are visual creatures.


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

If he holds your head down during oral and it makes you gag, throw up on if. The school girl outfit is a pretty average male dress up fantasy but he should of got an adult one not from daughters school, but if your not into it dont do it. As far as the physical abuse of spanking you so that your in pain he is into something A little deeper than normal exploring sex. Personally if you dont enjoy it and it makes you sick, stop doing it. If hes into costumes and your ok with that go pick one out yourself. No oral until hes got his hand of your dam head.
Seems like hes getting abusive a bit, whats he like out of the bedroom? How does he treat the children? Is he controling?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

See.... I've always found the school girl thing creepy... i don't care how normal some blokes/folks see it.

I live in a country where school uniforms are worn by those 16 yrs old and under. Older than that are in mufti. So I think of school uniforms as something being worn by very very young people. maybe it's different in your country.

Where as... a naughty nurse has finished going to school and is a GROWN UP... which is one of my quirky 'rules' for having sex with someone. #1 they must be an adult.

Yeah yeah i know.... it's all just fantasy.. ick!

PS: I've seen loads of sexy costumes in the adult shops... there are soooo many other options if OP doesn't like THIS theme.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

The schoolgirl fantasy is very common among men. I don't personally think it's anything wrong with it, or with the fact that he likes younger women, but I agree, dressing you in an uniform from his daughter's school is creepy. Couldn't he just order from an online adult store? 

How do you feel about roleplaying? Are there any other roles and costumes that you would like to try? Maybe a naughy nun, or french maid, or an army girl at his command? Seems like he wants to be the boss  
I'd say, try to open up a little bit and expand your horizons sexually. I'm an all romantic and like vanilla " love-making" the most, but if I'd sticked only with it, my H would be bored by now... I let him enjoy a mild kink and some roleplaying periodically, for variation. 
You may wanna try...free yourself of the religious restrains and learn to enjoy sex with your hubby. You will grab the benefits 

Do not do anything you feel you hate, sex has to be pleasure for both. Talk to him about your likes, your fantasies,let him "teach" you. Find common turn-ons and explore those. Communication is the key in the bedroom like in any other aspect of marriage.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

How is your relationship? Is he controlling in other areas of your marriage? 

Maybe he thought he was getting his own little sex kitten that he could groom. Nothing wrong with that but you all need to talk about it first and make sure it's consensual. Are you afraid to discuss this with him? Do you think he would lash out at you? Get abusive? 

There are some things me and H do that I don't necessarily like that much, but I do it for him. But some things, like anal sex, are completely off the table. I've told him that's a deal breaker under all circumstances. Maybe you and your H could have that discussion? 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this so early in your marriage, especially since you saved yourself for him. I hope and pray you both can work it out.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

*Forced Intimacy, Sex &amp;amp; Punishment in Marital Bedroom*

As others have said, it sounds like he is playing out a fantasy with aspects of domination that is not unusual for some men. The fact that he has a school age daughter does not mean he is fantasizing about her but it is something worth clearing up. Perhaps look for any other clues that may indicate this.

More to the point of your discomfort, consensual is the key thing. Fantasy play, BDSM play, dressing up, are not uncommon things between couples but it should be something both agree to and there should be freely given consent, not coercion, by both. And use of a safe word when anything gets too much for any reason with either person, but particularly the one in the submissive position, is advisable. My wife and I use one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

isabellakelly,

Go and buy a school girl outfit that is meant for adult play.They area available and are sexy.

Just tell him that you are not going to dress exactly like his daughter. It creeps you out. That's it. Set your boundaries.

Maybe get some other outfits too. See if there are other dress up fantacies he is interested in. Also get him the male costume so that you are not the only one dressing up.

The spanking you till you hurt is wrong. You have to have a safe word. He has to stop when you say the safe word. If he does not, it's physical abuse. 

Hims holding your head down and controlling it during bj's. That's a no go if it bothers you. I agree with you vomitting on him if he presists on doing it after you tell him to stop.

I think that the two of you need to go to marriage counseling that includes sex therapy. I appears (I dont' know for sure) but that your husband married you as a virgin thinking that now he will train you to be exactly what he wants. 

Sex play has to be consentual. If not you will not feel safe with him.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Hi isabellakelly.

May I ask a simple but relevant question at this point? Why did you marry a so much older man?


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## JSX (Mar 24, 2013)

Schoolgirl uniforms fantasies are pretty common, I am a guy and I have this fantasy sometimes.

If he is a good father then the only logical explanation buying the uniform is: he is attracted to the girls attending his daughter’s school, the uniform is just fueling his fantasy for some reason.

The thing is, he has fantasies, and you have fantasies, everyone on earth has, just sit down and talk about them, sometimes it is uncomfortable, but it has to be done eventually, and it does not have to be done all at once, it can be done indirectly, like hey, I would love doing this and that.

You do not have to tell him you are replacing the uniform, you have to find one you like and get it.

But the most important is, he loves BDSM, I am a guy that loves BDSM too, resisting him a bit maybe fueling his fantasies, and if you hate BDSM then you have to read about it as much as possible to see how to turn him off when needed or how to balance him, my wife does that to me sometimes.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I apologize beforehand, I do not mean to offend anyone's religious beliefs but the original post is the exact reason why I'm a proponent of pre-marital sex. To be blunt: You don't buy a car without test driving it. Sex is a huge part of being married and the idea is to be compatible with your spouse. There should at least be an open and honest discussion about what each party likes and expects. Yes, there's plenty of folks that are lucky and there's plenty of folks where working on compatibility isn't a big problem. But there are also cases like the original post.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

You sound like you don't even talk to one another. So if he is telling you clearly how he wants sex to be then it's your time to push back and discuss it, disagree with it, amend it, etc. If you say nothing, then of course he'll just proceed and we can't really fault him for doing so if you are not disagreeing.

i know that the school girl thing is a pretty common 'mainstream' fantasy but i never really understood how it came to be viewed as harmless since almost everyone who wears a school girl uniform for real is under 18. But as someone else said, the meaning and what a uniform suggests is very different across different cultures. Either way, like others, i find it strange that he has you wear his daughter's school's uniform. Normally I would think that a guy or couple would actively want to avoid any association with their child and her underage friends during their sex play. Big creep alarm on this one. Can't you just ask him what's in his head around this? Just say 'hey I think it's a bit weird and creepy to be wearing a uniform just like your daughter's. Don't you think so too honey?' that should get the conversation moving on it.

Same with the other stuff. 'Honey, I don't like when you force your c*** down my throat. It hurts and makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. It really turns me off.'

'I'm happy to explore your domination fantasies with you but I am new to this and you are moving too fast. I need to feel out my comfort zone with this. So far you've pushed too hard and I'll have to put a stop to it all unless you can agree to proceed at my pace.' Of course proceeding at your pace is opposed to his fantasy of dominating you. So the answer to this is to agree beforehand what your boundaries are in a given area and employ a safe word.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Red flags abound. Creepy and potentially dangerous. Your H has some issues.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> The original post is the exact reason why I'm a proponent of pre-marital sex. To be blunt: You don't buy a car without test driving it.


I've got a car that I'll probably get rid of soon. It was great fun for a while, but now it's kind of boring and other cars look like they're a lot more fun to drive. It also needs a lot more maintenance now than it did back then. I test drove it and look where it got me.

People, like cars, change over time. Our tastes change, our bodies change, and our sex drives change. IMHO it is unreasonable to believe that sex before marriage is much of an indication at all about how sex will be after any length of time being married. There are a lot of posts here at TAM about "bait and switch" that have less to do with any malicious intent on the part of one spouse and much more to do with expectations and communication. It seems to me to be far less important to 'test drive' a spouse sexually than it is to open our eyes and ears, ask questions, and figure out who we're really marrying before making a commitment of this nature.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

isabellakelly said:


> I’m a practicing Catholic and was a virgin until my wedding night last year when I was 25 years old. I was raised in a religious family, and was essentially brainwashed into believing I should not have premarital sex even though I had more than a handful of opportunities prior to getting married.


Speaking as a lapsed Catholic who struggles with his faith, I can understand how you feel. On the one hand, as Catholics we believe that sex in marriage is an expression of Christ's love for us so I can understand why we teach our kids not to have sex before marriage. I don't think that's brainwashing. It's just teaching our children one aspect of our faith. On the other hand I had a few sexual partners before I got married. I learned that sex without an emotional commitment isn't really all that great. After I got married, sex with my now wife became so much deeper and fulfilling.

One of the other things that I have learned and deeply believe as a Catholic (off again on again) is that marriage is a place where mutual respect, love, honoring, and cherishing really are more than words in our vows. They are ideals that can be strived for and lived with wonderful results. I have spent a lot of time in marriage groups with Christians (not just Catholics) who believe that Christ's presence in their marriage is what makes it a marriage in more than just a name. If you are practicing your faith then perhaps you and your husband can strive to live a Christ like marriage. I'm a big fan of sex of all kinds as long it's consensual. Mutually fulfilling each other's needs is a part of what I'm talking about, even when we lovingly and respectfully have great kinky fun including dominance. The key is that because we are respecting each other, we are treating each other in a way that nurtures our love relationship.

One of the things about the Catholic faith that I find interesting is that the Church doesn't believe that a marriage exists if Christ is not present in the way that spouses treat each other. If you discover that your husband is not treating you with love and respect, but has some twisted view of marriage that you are unable to stay with, then you may have to consider seeking an annulment. 

Best to you


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm male and the idea of sex with a school girl is an absolute turn off to me. I find it creepy myself but to each their own (as long as it doesn't include real school girls). 

Bottom line is if this kind of role play is uncomfortable to you you shouldn't do it.


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## LongRoadtoRuin (Apr 3, 2013)

Isabellakelly~
I am very concerned for you. Please do not ignore the red flags you are clearly seeing. Being married doesn't give him the right to indimidate you into sex acts that make you physically ill. Sexual assult can and does occur within the bounds of marriage.

Please please please seek out any and all support both here and in RL to ensure health and safety not just physically but mentally and emotionally too.

Sincerely,
LRtR


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

No premarital sex followed by discomfort at incongruent sexual attitudes, one partner trying to change the other now... Not exactly shocking.

Huge age gap, and I venture a huge income gap as well... Not surprising here either, he's empowered now to try to change her, and with no oral sex in his marriage I don't blame him. Of course he's going about it in a wrong, heavy-handed way, but these are the things that may happen during the dealings of two who are not equals...

OP and husband have a lot more to learn about each other, themselves, and if each's partner is really who they wanted for marriage...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

The OP has never been back to this thread. Everytime I see it pop up again I kind of wonder what happened to her; did her H discover this post; is she way deep in to the BDSM and feels trapped or what.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Forced Intimacy, Sex &amp; Punishment in Marital Bedroom*



committed4ever said:


> The OP has never been back to this thread.


She's a little tied up.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

*Re: Forced Intimacy, Sex &amp; Punishment in Marital Bedroom*



WorkingOnMe said:


> She's a little tied up.


You ain't right!


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## Hushpuppy (Sep 4, 2017)

Not sure if OP (or anyone) will ever see this particular comment. But I'm compelled to say ... their (relatively new) marriage may have been ill conceived. What I mean is that without ANY kind of premarital sex, it's up to BOTH parties to pay close attention to each other's sexual signals & signs in order to determine their compatibility BEFORE getting married. Now maybe the guy was hiding his 'real' inner sexual self all along. Still, there must have been something he said or did, no matter how slight or subtle, which indicated his tendency toward being DOMINANT. Surely he must have reeked of it in some way.

Now, in the trenches of marriage, it's a whole new ballgame. Dom or not, there are still SOME THINGS which should NEVER be dismissed or ignored; like common courtesy ... Love & understanding ....especially with a spouse. Time & a place ... ya' know?

One thing I'll never understand is why guys such as OP's husband choose to marry a much younger 'virgin' and then try to blindly mould her into what it is that he (thinks) is exactly what he wants. He doesn't have a clue about what he really wants. He only knows about the 'thoughts' and the 'fantasies' which arouse him the most. In reality, he's selling himself short. AND he's going about it ALL the wrong way. What a shmuck. He's got a young beautiful wife who obviously loves him, and now he's going to play the ****in' Macho Card...?

I would say to OP, my senses are telling me that you have (mostly) submissive tendencies. And that's a BIG reason why H has latched onto you ... and married you. Dom & sub. Perfect match ...right? Maybe. At least I hope so for the both of you & your marriage. You're still basically newlyweds. It ALL should be a gradual meshing of BOTH his & her gears ...working together, especially in a BDSM relationship. It takes real work, but SO worth it.

H doesn't really know what he wants or what he's doing. He's just flying on instinct, (seemingly) not caring about the (probable) best thing that is likely to happen in his (ummmm) lifetime. That would be MRS. OP of course. Yes!

Being Dom is NOT about being a selfish uncaring bully. Far from it. He's GOT to tread carefully and allow his NEW wife to explore the wonderful world of sex WITH HIM, not BECAUSE of him.

Fear not, OP. Immediately stand up for yourself and show him you're NOT a pushover. Show him that he MUST NEVER mistake (your probable) submissiveness as a WEAKNESS! Speak up! Remind him that you have feelings too. And if he cares NOT for your (essential) feelings, then run away from him as fast as you can. Uncaring people are all around us. You can find that BS anywhere. The trick is to be UNcommon, truthful, honest, and most of all 'be yourself' and don't let him try to change who you are before you have a chance to discover it for yourself. He should be helping you to find your sexual self, and NOT just using you to fulfill a fantasy inside his head. He can get that single-minded crap fulfilled by a wh0re. Do you want to be nothing but his wh0re? Maybe. But you need the time to find that out for yourself, and H doesn't seem to be helping you very much in that area. Subs are ****in' STRONG as all hell. I know because I'm married to one. And a very 5lutty sub too.

Know this. A great Dom knows exactly what his sub needs and delivers it (expertly) at the proper time. It might be too early to tell, but he seems a bit selfish. Have the two of you ever just TALKED about sex & all the possible glory it can bring the BOTH of you ....TOGETHER? You GOTTA talk about it too. My god...you're married! Talking is essential to almost everything in a marriage...as well as compromise. You're a TEAM now. 

OP!!! Don't let it turn into one of those episodes of COPS where hubby is clobbering the Mrs every day and you say to the cops "But I love him" as a reason not to leave him. STAND UP to him, just enough to give his brain a good emotional slap. It may be the only way to get through to him. If he is to be 'in charge', then he must earn it. And it's up to YOU to guide him, simply by speaking up when you're feeling uncomfortable about the way he's going about ANY sexual act with you. Be specific and (if possible) have something in mind to modify or enhance the sexual situation to your (possible) liking. He'll respect you for it and he might even learn something about you and himself too.

Trust me. I've been married to the same woman since 1981. Sex is still important, though not quite as much these days. If there is REAL love involved (both directions) anything is possible. Closed minds yearn to be enlightened. Your brains will glow. It's friggin awesome too.

I sincerely wish the BEST for the both of you. You're just starting out, essentially. Wait until 35 (successful) years have gone by. There's still plenty more to learn about each other, even after multiple decades. Peace & Love to you both. Yeah. Shoot for that!


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## ThaMatrix (Sep 3, 2017)

isabellakelly said:


> As a new member, I want to thank the creators of this forum as well as the community of members for providing feedback, advice, and encouragement.
> 
> I’m a practicing Catholic and was a virgin until my wedding night last year when I was 25 years old. I was raised in a religious family, and was essentially brainwashed into believing I should not have premarital sex even though I had more than a handful of opportunities prior to getting married.
> 
> ...


Im a very sex positive person. My wife and I have tried things behind closed doors I think most couples would not do. I think a persons sexual fantasies and preferences are very personal and as long as both parties are comfortable each should do their best to fulfill every fantasy their partner has with ferver and great enthusiasm. With that said I'm genuinely scared by what youre describing. It sounds to me like you arent comfortable and should not participate, that he is almost certainly getting these ideas from very extreme pornography and the behavior is almost certainly going to escalate. If you were my daughter or my sister I would beg you to leave this guy before he gets you pregnant and youre stuck with his baggage for decades and all that gets drug into your subsequent relationships.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This thread is over 4 years old...


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