# Loss of connection?



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I posted an insanely long thread a while back and didn't receive a lot of feedback. There have been a couple new developments since then. I hope I can receive some thoughts/opinions that will stop my overanalysis and constant insecurity.

* Background info *He moved out almost a month ago. We talk daily and see each other on the weekends. He wanted to sort through his own issues and heal before we made any decisions regarding us.

Yesterday, after a really bad day, we decided to pursue couples counseling. We filled out the paperwork this morning and have our first session on the 8th.

Here's my 1st problem: I am scared that he is only doing so to placate me or because he feels guilty for all the pain this is causing me. He assures me that isn't the case and "the therapist would see right through that." It's difficult for me to trust him because I've felt abandoned and rejected for months.

Here's my 2nd problem: He fears what therapy will bring because he "isn't sure he loves me anymore or can in the future." When I asked him what makes me think/feel the love disappeared he responded with, " I don't feel the connection we used to have but I don't know if that's because I feel so much anger and pain all the time. Maybe it's masking the love underneath." Is that possible? And if someone doesn't feel a connection or love, can it be found again?

I'm driving myself insane. Please help.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

If he is telling you that maybe there is love underneath, then I personally think that there is. 
What I would say is go to counseling. Try to trust him when he tells you that he's going for the right reasons. 
If he truly didn't love you or want to try to work on your relationship, he probably would not have agreed to go to counseling. 

I also think that everyone is nervous about what therapy will reveal about themselves. Let him be nervous, it's normal. 

Just go to the therapy sessions and see what comes from it. 

And try to relax a little. Easier said than done, I know. 

Good luck to you.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Make sure that whatever time you spend with him that you appear strong and not needy. That is a turnoff for most people. 

Imagine if you were dating him again and you were needy and wanting to know "when will you call?" "Why aren't you____." More than likely most people would run.

Relax. MC can be a great release of tension. It completely normal to feel anxiety. Don't let it overwhelm you. MC will take time....it not overnight deal.

Yes. I feel the disconnection can be reconnected. My H feels the same about me. We've been separated for 6 weeks with limited contact (mutual business only). This has allowed for both time and space. See my thread Love Must Be Tough. It explains my journey a bit.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I'm in therapy myself and started taking cymbalta two months ago to help with my anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I've done better than I expected with living alone. And I am trying to take care of myself and do some much need self-inventory work. It's just the feelings of abandonment that are trigger that cause such feelings of panic that I make horribly, impulsive decisions. If I could get those under control, I could probably handle myself in a more attractive manner.

The pain is palpable.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

First session has been moved to this Friday. I am nervous!
I saw my therapist today and he irked me a bit. He always speaks of my relationship as being expendable. He hopes the couples' counseling helps but seems to think I should be prepared to move on. I don't want to move on. Maybe J does. But we don't know that for sure. Unless I'm worked as hard as I can on my side of the relationship, I don't think I can say goodbye. I just feel like the odds are against us. It's hard to keep believing.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Don't give up! Keep working on yourself. 

Your H and you agreed to counseling...nobody was coerced. That is good. 

Who knows about odds anymore. Some folks on the board were raging alchoholics, had affairs, and were verball abusive.....got themselves straightened out and the wife returned! WoW! That is against the odds isn't it? 

Try everything that you know to do. No regrets.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

My simple advise in this would be if there is a fear of loss of connection then i ask you what connected you two to start with ??
Maybe you shouldnt focus on the US factor in this so much and maybe focus on doing things together that are fun and you both enjoy so far im seeing results from taking small steps in that direction with mine and leaving the door open for her to step through when she wants to. 
If you feel or fear a loss of connection try going out to something you both would like and laugh and have fun that ussually sets the pace for people to open up more and with that comes the connections and bonds that were there before and more then likely still are just buried underneath other emotions that are clouding the truth of things and that most likely is still love and even true love but sometimes in long relationships people get comfortable and forget what fun brought to there relationship and its them simple things that keep the connection the bonds and relationship happy loving and exciting .
Now i heard once that love and being in love with someone is the same thing and im starting to believe it myself cause if you really think on it you might see the point in this 
loving someone there is still love there and its the same as being in love with someone in both cases you still care deeply for the other but being in love with someone may sound different but in reality it could be as simple as there is still that excitement there where now the love dont have that excitement .. 
So maybe try to bring some of that back in to play and see what happens but all in all if you love someone you will continue to do what you must just remember to keep your sanity doing it and be happy with any small gains you make , in time its those that are willing to go the distance that win in the long road


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Thanks ben, but J has opted for divorce, thus no option for connection any longer.


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