# Endings and beginnings.



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Many of you may know my story. It was way back in March and my stbxw went from EA > PA in a month. Then moved out.
Over many months she tried to get me to reconcile on her terms, these were that she keep her BF and we go to counselling.

Thanks to TAM I did not agree and kicked her out. [ asked her to leave]

Fast forward 9 months and her affair has ended. She has come out of the fog to find herself amongst the wreckage of our families lives of her own making. 

She is working full time now, paying all her own bills, lost all her security and we both penniless.
The affair cost somewhere in the region of $50k. This does not include lost earnings!

I have been seeing someone and this has come to an end, not because we don't get on, not because we have no love but because we simply have not the energy for a relationship and dealing with the new stresses of single parenting.

My radical 180 finally caught up with me. Tired, tired, tired.

The main thing that surprised me is my inability to see a future at all. Getting past Next weekend is long tern planning for me at the moment. This is partly that options are now seriously limited. I am week on week off parenting and they both go to school. I can't decide to move to make a new start for us. I was never much of a part time anything. I am now stuck with two lives, as is my stbxw. One week your a parent, the other a single person. it just feels stupid.


This is the cost of an affair. it goes on and on and on.
If you have kids, fight for your marriage, fight hard and long.

rant over


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ing said:


> If you have kids, fight for your marriage, fight hard and long.


And that you did my friend, that you did. The problem was that your ex-wife did not and a marriage cannot be saved by one spouse single handedly.

Her demands to turn the marriage into an open marriage in which she kept her lover, was simply too much for any man to tolerate. Not even in the name of the marriage and the kids.

Like Hoosier, it make take you another 6 months to a year before you gain any sense of normalcy. Take the time now that you are not in a committed relationship to heal.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

My heart goes out to you ing. You've been so helpful to me in telling me to "go gently" on myself, I thought you were already in a more stable place. 

Just here to let you know that while you may be feeling lost, you are appreciated because you inspire others (like me!) to keep on fighting for what may still be. Granted I am lucky to have a H who seems hell bent on R (or so he seems now) even if I am still very much on the fence, but the picture you painted somehow puts it in perspective for me. I guess I should listen and try until there's nothing to try for.

...and if it does work out, I'll come back here at TAM to thank you. If not, I'll come back here to tell you you helped waste my time.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Well ing, people did question you about getting into a relationship so soon. They weren't kidding when they say it takes 2-5 years on average to recover from this. Now that you don't have the new relationship to to deal with, you can focus all your emotional energy on yourself and your recovery. You felt exhausted before because you were trying to recover from the devastation from your marriage while beginning a new one. So now you're emotionally spent. Now just focus on yourself for a little while. I know from having been there that this new relationship would soon end, or end up like me and marrying the rebound girl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Well ing, people did question you about getting into a relationship so soon. They weren't kidding when they say it takes 2-5 years on average to recover from this. Now that you don't have the new relationship to to deal with, you can focus all your emotional energy on yourself and your recovery. You felt exhausted before because you were trying to recover from the devastation from your marriage while beginning a new one. So now you're emotionally spent. Now just focus on yourself for a little while. I know from having been there that this new relationship would soon end, or end up like me and marrying the rebound girl
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know. I would have not missed it for the world. She is a totally wonderful human being. We realised we were using each other for support and this was getting more intense, not less as time went on. I am not sure that I want to spend two to five years gazing at my naval, but we are both in the position where the total load emotionally wore us down. 

I don't want her to be the rebound girl. i want it to be real and I want to give her my best. So, we hit the pause button. Together.


AND... like this is REALLY IMPORTANT LM..

Your Avatar is driving me NUTS 
I keep trying to wipe my screen.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

.


> ..and if it does work out, I'll come back here at TAM to thank you. If not, I'll come back here to tell you you helped waste my time.


Hey, if it doesn't work. I'll give you your money back. 
thanks..


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> Like Hoosier, it make take you another 6 months to a year before you gain any sense of normalcy. Take the time now that you are not in a committed relationship to heal.


we were being careful but the world seemed to deem us "too soon" 
One strange thing was that even though we are both BS people just assume that because we don't hide we are the ones who were having the affair! 
It is so bloody unfair. Like we get hit twice.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Hang in there ing.... I thank god my kids are all adults can't imagine what it is like to add that dynamic to the mix. You have proven yourself to be a fighter, a survivor...and you are. In my FOG, I don't see everything very clear but know this much...takes 2 heck might be 2.5 (WS working extra hard) to make a marriage work..so the end of yours is on her NOT you. Lick your wounds, rest up, get ready to get back in the fight. With a little rest you will be stronger than ever,ready to be that "pulling guard" on your kids offensive. She failed....you the man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

ing,

I've been doing the 50/50 split with my boys for four years. It does get easier. It's really become the new normal, both for the kids and for me.

It was extremely hard at first. During the week that I had the boys, my house was full of avtivity and conversation. The minute they walked out the door to go to their mom's, it was one week of silence. I know that the "traditional" weekend parenting plans lead to the same thing, they're just faced with more of the quiet.

Even now, four years later, Christmas was hard.

My GF and I found each other at exactly the right time. We'd gone through much of the same things with very similar timing. Sure, we've leaned on each other for support, but that's just been a small part of our relationship. It's taken us years to reach the point where we could start talking about the future. We decided early on that there was absolutely no rush. It's taken time for both of us.

I hope you're able to get past the roughest parts soon so that you can start seeing a future, too.


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