# sex chats and webcams: cheating or just kinky?



## doctor is in (Dec 8, 2012)

I wanted to ask what the majority thinks about sex chats and watching other people on webcams while being in a relationship/married. Would you say it's basically cheating, or just another version of porn?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

It's on the same level as a EA in my opinion. It's different than porn.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

cheating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doctor is in (Dec 8, 2012)

I didn't ask this because it's an issue in my marriage, I just wanted to have that convo as it is interesting to see the different kinds of boundaries/opinions people have.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Personally, I'd say there are other factors to consider, at least to make sure we're on the same page. For starters, when we say "watching other people on webcams," are we talking about the sites where it's possible for one or more people to watch a cam (be it an individual, couple or group) on cam with little or no direct interaction, or direct interaction (possibly with reciprocity in putting on a show)? Similar question about "sex chats:" one-on-one chat constituting cybersex, or a group chat room where those in the room discuss topics that get them going and/or share links to pictures and videos for that purpose? (I've moderated a chat room like the latter. Can actually be boring. Some of the best conversations I had in there weren't sexual in nature at all.)

At the end of the day, though, I say that whether or no such activity constitutes cheating and/or is/isn't acceptable within a relationship is the determination of the partners in the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

As long as it is not affecting the sex, intimacy, and affection in our relationship, I wouldn't care. I think that sometimes it can give a libidinous boost that gets lavished on the spouse. Chat/webcam does this for some, romance novels for others, and porn for another group. If it turns into something she wants to pursue in real life, we'll need to talk about it.

And what if it's her job? I know a couple where she does sex acts on camera. Good for them. But we were a little uncomfortable when they showed us their "home movies" after dinner!


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

As long as it is not done in secrecy, than I don't care. Heck I'd join in. But if there is a need to hide it, the motives are not good IMO.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Exactly. Use the litmus test of "if you do it with your SO right beside you" would they be ok with it or not. If not, it's betrayal at the very least.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It would be considered cheating in my world, zero tolerance here.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Oldrandwisr said:


> Exactly. Use the litmus test of "if you do it with your SO right beside you" would they be ok with it or not. If not, it's betrayal at the very least.


That seems too strong a test to me. I wouldn't masturbate with my SO right beside me, because she would be well and truly put off. That wouldn't make it a betrayal by any means.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I wouldn't like it. 

If he were hiding it and doing it in secrecy and I found out, then I'd ask if I could do it to get paid, then see if he'd like to continue watching?

From my limited understanding, all cam rooms have chats. You can interact with the girl. And ask her to do certain things. For $$ of course. 

Whenever there's an interaction with another person, I'm def not cool with it. AT ALL. 

But like others have said, it's all about what other couples agree to.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Cletus said:


> That seems too strong a test to me. I wouldn't masturbate with my SO right beside me, because she would be well and truly put off. That wouldn't make it a betrayal by any means.


Ya. That would be weird. Lol.

I do find it very sexy when my h masturbates a, but I wouldn't want to see him doing it while watching another woman.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I think that one on one webcam (as opposed to some pay service, with no interaction) or "real time" sex by instant messaging would cross the line.

I have done a lot of role play on an erotic literature site, via the PM system. I don't think that would cross the line; it's more akin to reading a novel or looking at porn imo.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If it is not a sexless marriage, it's cheating. If one "married" partner has been serially refusing sex, whatever the other party does to meet their sexual needs is none of their "partner's" business. For a crime to be committed, there has to be a victim. One can't steal someone's abandoned property. If I had been rejecting my wife for months and found her on-line, flirting or looking at porn, that'd be more my fault than her's.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> As long as it is not done in secrecy, than I don't care. Heck I'd join in. But if there is a need to hide it, the motives are not good IMO.


very good post Tracy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

It all depends on what kind of webcam sites you're talking about.

It also really depends on the partners.

So if it's the type of pay per use sex site, that's one thing. It's basically porn, but live. I don't believe the person on the other end can see the people who are watching her/him, either.

If it's the chatroulette type of thing, where person A and person B are basically cycling through the live video feeds of people, trying to find a compatible mate to masturbate with, then yeah, that's cheating in my books. (may not be in yours).

So on one hand, you can have a dozen men all paying to watch the same woman. This is a job for her, and she can't see the people who are watching her. She can see what they're typing, and they can hear her speak back. It's live porn. And it may still be cheating, depending on your own views.

On the other hand, you have two people who are visible to each other, can speak to each other, and who are both there for the same reasons. It's phone sex, with live video.

And I don't think any of us would be happy if our husband or wife was having phone sex with anybody, let alone actually being able to see them while doing so.

I don't think anybody would be happy to come home to find their husband naked, masturbating, while some woman was 5 feet away, also naked and masturbating. Touching or no touching, it's cheating. Doesn't matter if they're in the same room, masturbating to each other, or 3000 miles away doing the same thing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sex chats and webcams are cheating if they are done in secret and you know your spouse wouldn't approve. Both go beyond just looking, and almost always require eventual payment of some kind. Just because it's the womans 'job' to titillate men doesn't make it better - hookers get paid to do a job too, and I doubt anyone would argue that hiring a hooker wasn't cheating.

It's also ludicrous to say that rejecting your partner sexually makes it ok for them to engage in this type of behaviour. If you aren't getting it from your spouse, masturbate, but don't go seeking one on one interaction with someone else to fulfill your needs. And don't pay for it. If you aren't getting it from your spouse address the issues in your marriage. Don't go online to 'hook up' with someone else.

Lastly, once you've progressed from just looking at porn to chatting and webcamming, you've started the slide down the slippery slope. What my husband did is very typical. The next step is becoming connected to certain people and planning meet ups for sex with them, or hiring hookers, or otherwise stepping off the edge and taking it physical in person. Anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Hope1964 said:


> Sex chats and webcams are cheating if they are done in secret and you know your spouse wouldn't approve. Both go beyond just looking, and almost always require eventual payment of some kind. Just because it's the womans 'job' to titillate men doesn't make it better - hookers get paid to do a job too, and I doubt anyone would argue that hiring a hooker wasn't cheating.


Yeah, the secret part is definitely valid.

But I still think there's a difference between simply watching an "actor" who is getting paid to be naked, among other things, and having somebody literally join you in what you're doing (even via webcam). It's clearly more intimate, in that regard.

Again - several people watching one person perform a scheduled show for their benefit vs. 2 likeminded people essentially having "no touch" sex. The getting paid part is not the difference here.

Lesser of two evils, shall we say?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

alexm said:


> Yeah, the secret part is definitely valid.
> 
> But I still think there's a difference between simply watching an "actor" who is getting paid to be naked, among other things, and having somebody literally join you in what you're doing (even via webcam). It's clearly more intimate, in that regard.
> 
> ...


You're basically splitting hairs here. You're talking about what equates to a porn movie. Sadly, that isn't what webcams are really designed for, is it? If you want to watch a porn movie, fine. Don't do so in an environment which you KNOW leads to much, much more. The second you start typing and requesting the 'actor' do certain things, it isn't 'just' porn any more. Don't kid yourself. Webcam and chat sites exist for one purpose - to make money. And they do so by sucking people in deeper and deeper without them even really knowing what's happening at first.

Did you read my story that was linked above? Like I said, what my husband experienced is very typical.

Someone in a loving committed relationship should feel no need to indulge themselves in webcam and chat sites, for any reason. And if you aren't in a loving, committed relationship, then fix it, instead of avoiding it by whacking off to some actor.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I don't think it's cheating, but it's something you and your partner need to agree on. Sex chat (presumably with optional video) is somewhere between porn and a live experience, but far closer to porn, IMO, and just watching a live sex cam is no different than porn. However, if it's someone you know personally in real life, then it becomes far more questionable and the lines get blurred.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Hope1964 said:


> You're basically splitting hairs here. You're talking about what equates to a porn movie. Sadly, that isn't what webcams are really designed for, is it? If you want to watch a porn movie, fine. Don't do so in an environment which you KNOW leads to much, much more. The second you start typing and requesting the 'actor' do certain things, it isn't 'just' porn any more. Don't kid yourself. Webcam and chat sites exist for one purpose - to make money. And they do so by sucking people in deeper and deeper without them even really knowing what's happening at first.
> 
> *I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying, Hope!
> 
> ...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> I don't think it's cheating, but it's something you and your partner need to agree on. Sex chat (presumably with optional video) is somewhere between porn and a live experience, but far closer to porn, IMO, and just watching a live sex cam is no different than porn. However, if it's someone you know personally in real life, then it becomes far more questionable and the lines get blurred.


I guess everyone has their line, and some have lines farther to one side or another. Ours is at magazine and DVD porn. Those are ok, but internet porn is not, for my husband. At one time, internet porn was also ok, but his actions changed that.  The internet is a gateway to too much temptation for him.

'Just' watching a live sex cam IS different than watching porn. It's the beginning of one on one sexual interaction, and I fail to see why anyone would even want to go there if they truly love their spouse. If you just want titillation, watch a movie or look at a magazine or have your wife dress in some lingerie and take pics.

ETA - But, as alexm said, different strokes, right? It's just really hard for me to fathom WHY. Why a guy would jeopardize his marriage in this way. How does that conversation go? "Honey, I've been wondering if it would be OK with you if I go online to sex chat and webcam sites?" Pretty much every guy knows how that will go over, so they do it in secret. It's a pretty rare relationship where it IS ok.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Married but Happy said:


> I don't think it's cheating, but it's something you and your partner need to agree on. Sex chat (presumably with optional video) is somewhere between porn and a live experience, but far closer to porn, IMO, and just watching a live sex cam is no different than porn. However, if it's someone you know personally in real life, then it becomes far more questionable and the lines get blurred.


But what about those webcam roulette sites? To me, those ARE cheating. There's a level of intimacy within that that should only be shared with your partner. I don't see the difference between that, and two people sitting in the same room, naked and masturbating while watching each other.

The pay to watch thing isn't that far off, I agree... But imo, it's a show. It's basically a strip joint, with the difference being you can take care of yourself in front of the stripper. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be pissed if I caught my wife watching some dude, and paying to do so. But I wouldn't label her a cheater. Now if I caught her having some fun with a stranger on a webcam, and he was doing the exact same thing as she was, that's a different story.

I can't be alone in this, can I?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I caught my h doing the pay your way web cam thing. The only thing that upset me was that he had replaced sex with me with this. That hurt. I never felt it was cheating, just insulting.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

yes compared to porn its definately a step closer to cheating .

It involves a living human in real time fulfilling your particular kink rather being rather than a previously recorded moment that just so happens to turn you on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gert B Frobe (May 6, 2011)

No physical touch? No affair. Period


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Gert B Frobe said:


> No physical touch? No affair. Period


Allrighty then, you just continue to think that then :crazy:


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Having been cut off emotional for years and sexually for many months at time, I think its too easy to make a situation where this is going on black and white. 

If things are generally good in the relationship, then I think it becomes cheating when its hidden. My rule of thumb is "the only secret you should keep is what you got your spouse for Valentine's Day"


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

I think it is sexy. My husband watches the webcam chats sometimes, has even bought private shows. Sometimes we watch together. I think it is sexy.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

There are tons, I would say the majority of women here think that its cheating, I dont. Its just words and pictures on a computer screen. He's not running out and sticking his c*ck in anyone. Web cams? Thats just glorified masturbation. I do think its crap if someone would rather have some wank time than go in the other room and have sex with a willing warm body, but cheating, no, I dont see it that way. If someone would rather masturbate than have sex with their spouse, then there are bigger issues at play besides porn.


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## Gert B Frobe (May 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: sex chats and webcams: cheating or just kinky?*



Hope1964 said:


> Allrighty then, you just continue to think that then :crazy:


I will an I do. You are really close to thought crime accusation. So do you even draw the line at your SO thinking about someone else? Dreaming of someone else? Looking at someone else? He/she could be 8 thousand miles away and you call it an affair? Your a hard core Christian, right?


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

Gotta be careful since it obviously open up a can of worms ?? 

Both has got to be very secure with one another and in a solid relationship to even think of crossing this line.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Gert B Frobe said:


> I will an I do. You are really close to thought crime accusation. So do you even draw the line at your SO thinking about someone else? Dreaming of someone else? Looking at someone else? He/she could be 8 thousand miles away and you call it an affair? Your a hard core Christian, right?


:rofl: Couldn't be farther from the truth. Thought crime accusation?? :rofl: :rofl: If you care to read my story and some of my posts around the board on this topic, or even just my previous posts in this thread, you'll see I have a very healthy relationship with my husband and am pretty liberal when it comes to sex, porn etc.

The view that it is only cheating if there is physical touch involved is extremely naive. Do some reading up on what an EA is, for example.

And if your wife agrees with you that it's only cheating if it involves physical touch, goody for you. My guess would be that, if she does agree with you, you've imposed that opinion on her.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

I have to admit I often have sex chats and masturbate on my cam ................ with my husband 

He's been traveling for business practically each week thus far this year and we find an evening each week to spend " quality " time with one another this way. It was at first a bit uncomfortable but I quickly got use to it and actually enjoy it now  feels quite sexy not for nothing !


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

omgitselaine said:


> I have to admit I often have sex chats and masturbate on my cam ................ with my husband
> 
> He's been traveling for business practically each week thus far this year and we find an evening each week to spend " quality " time with one another this way. It was at first a bit uncomfortable but I quickly got use to it and actually enjoy it now  feels quite sexy not for nothing !


I see no problem with it at all, new age


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

I would only consider it cheating if your SO trued down sex with you for a cam-girl that would be a *BIG RED FLAG!*


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## Gert B Frobe (May 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: sex chats and webcams: cheating or just kinky?*



Hope1964 said:


> :rofl: Couldn't be farther from the truth. Thought crime accusation?? :rofl: :rofl: If you care to read my story and some of my posts around the board on this topic, or even just my previous posts in this thread, you'll see I have a very healthy relationship with my husband and am pretty liberal when it comes to sex, porn etc.
> 
> The view that it is only cheating if there is physical touch involved is extremely naive. Do some reading up on what an EA is, for example.
> 
> And if your wife agrees with you that it's only cheating if it involves physical touch, goody for you. My guess would be that, if she does agree with you, you've imposed that opinion on her.


Wow, think much of you own opinions do you? I bet you love to talk with yourself.

"Do some reading up on what an EA is, for example". 

Why on earth would I care or give credence to what you or anyone else thinks a EA is? An EA is in the eye of the beholder, that's what this whole discussion is about. 

"My guess would be that, if she does agree with you, you've imposed that opinion on her."

My wife if a very, very strong woman, I let her read this whole back and forth and she laughed and said "she doesn't know me does she and she said. Shame on you (that would be me) for forcing you evil thought's on my brain. Oh and one more thing, you avoided the christian question like I avoid christions.So that answers a lot about your paranoia regarding AE's.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Gert B Frobe said:


> Oh and one more thing, you avoided the christian question like I avoid christions.So that answers a lot about your paranoia regarding AE's.


:scratchhead: Have NO idea what one thing has to do with the other....but please refrain from an explanation.

If your wife *really* agrees with your definition of cheating, then yay for you. Proof that there really is someone for everyone.

"Forcing evil thoughts"....c'mon, really? It's a public forum. No one is forcing you to come here and read.


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## Undisclosed (Apr 14, 2014)

I think a person just needs to be open about it with their mate. If it is something one enjoys, and intends for it to be harmless, just talk it over with your partner. And maybe some guidelines can be reached so both feel comfortable to avoid any kind of negative feelings like inadequacy, betrayal or thoughts of cheating.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

cheating definitely
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Gert, like I said, read my posts around here. You will see that your opinion of me is, to put it mildly, misguided. Hardcore christian?? :rofl: :rofl: I'm not going to engage with you any more because I've apparently rubbed you the wrong way. Makes me think I've hit a nerve. If you and your wife have agreed that it's fine for you to engage in what most other couples consider to be cheating, then you just go ahead and enjoy that together.


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## CatholicDWC (Jun 14, 2013)

It is pretty darn close if not cheating. Not a good idea as your diverting attention from your relationship.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

If you are neglecting your spouse because of them or are keeping the chats secret then I think it is wrong. If your spouse is okay with it and it stays in the fantasy realm, maybe even kick starts your sex life, then it might be okay. It should not take any time away from your spouse. It's really up to you and your spouse.


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