# so confused



## lilah (May 6, 2010)

Please help me sort this out! I've been married for 8 yrs to the man I thought was my soul mate. We have 3 children, ages 7, 4, and 10 months. 
Marrying my husband was the one choice I've made in my life I didn't even have to take a second to think about. I knew he was my soul mate and I knew we'd be together forever, no matter what we had to work through on the way.
Well long story short, he has cheated, lied, stolen, you name it. I've always given him another chance because I was in love with him.
Recently, after another affair and lots of talking (on my part) I start to think... what if he's never loved me... what if he's never been happy... he will never be faithful. I talked to a counsellor and she pretty much said what is wrong with you that you don't value yourself enough to leave this turd. 
I guess at this point it is 2 things- the kids, and money. My parents were divorced and I know how much it destroys a childhood. I have felt like I would do anything to spare my kids from a divorce. I mean how could I live with myself seeing the pain they'd go through?
Also, we are barely making it financially now, how could we survive supporting 2 households? Our oldest child has asperger's and I have had to start homeschooling because school was intensifying his problems. So we are living off my husband's income alone. 
I am slowly realizing all the ways he has started to control and manipulate me. I never thought he would do that to me. He used to be my best friend.
He is a complete stranger to me now. I feel like he used to treat me like a queen. Now he acts like I've always been queen ***** and he made a mistake marrying me. But at the same time, I am supposed to sit and live with him and act like his roomate. He is so heartless and detached, it doesn't bother him at all. Why am I still in love with him? What do I do? I know I am worth more than this, but shouldn't I somehow be strong enough to stick with him for the kids? I am so confused and hurt.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

how will your kids learn how to be good spouses. when the role models are in a unloving marriage.
I think your kids can learn alot if they could see you in a happy healthy relationship.
fill for a divorce, mabey your husband will pull his head out of his butt when he sees the papers, remember just because he's severed papers you both dont have to sign them. i quess I'm just say he may need a hard slap in the face to wake up and dont stay married for the kids, fix your marriage for the kids.


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## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

Do you have any help financially and emotionally from family or friends. I really understand your situation because mine has a few similarities. Not knowing how to pay for everything is as frightening as staying. Try to explore your options see what everything will cost you to leave vs. the emotional cost of staying. Good luck to you.


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## MJUltra (Sep 28, 2010)

The money issue is real and something that cannot be ignored. If you get into a contested divorce, well, that will only make it worse. That said, you cannot make an emotional decision around money. Emotionally, you are unhappy and will probably continue to be so if you stay married. However, you have the competing interest of caring for a child with special needs, and that will only be harder apart. 

Many say that you can separate and still raise happy and healthy kids. I cannot speak from experience at this point as I am on the verge of divorce as well, but I believe that is true, no matter how hard it will be. 

The real question is whether there is something to salvage and whether you both agree to work on it. That's the only way unfortunately -- you both have to want it. If not, then you have do what is best for you and your children. Seek out your support network, crunch some numbers and while it always is a hit to support two households, see what you really need to get by. It is less than you think. Good luck. I hope you find peace.


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## lilah (May 6, 2010)

thank you all for the replies, I haven't had a chance to check back in until now. 
my husband has now decided he wants to "be alone" and he is sleeping in the spare room until we finish out the basement, then he is going to move in there. 
Some days are ok but other days I feel like my heart is slowly being ripped apart. He has invented this alternate reality where we have been miserable for 5 years, and now his mother has gotten into it (lord help me) telling him to just stick with me for the kids, etc. 
So he thinks he can just do whatever he wants, leave me with the kids 90% of the time, and I will just sit here being his nanny/housekeeper until he can finally get rid of me. 
His whole excuse is that he tried really hard to make things work a few years ago, and now look where we are. I always thought that you had to work on a marriage to keep it healthy and I would put everything I have on the line (already have) but to him it's not worth it. 
I really think he's having a mental breakdown brought on by moving and having another child, and since I was the one who initiated both those things he blames me and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I just can't believe he'd throw it all away...


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## cayest (Feb 4, 2010)

This sounds like a very tough situation. IMO, cheating is one of those situations where you definitely DON'T have to stay for the kids' sake. I consider divorce, but it's tough b/c my husband has never cheated - but if he had?!! And then was not even remorseful?! That would be the end of it. I would not want to set the example for my children that marriage means letting someone walk all over you.

Having gone through a situation where someone I love dearly cheated on me (an ex-boyfriend), my advice to you is to work on your self-esteem by doing more things for yourself and your children.

Best of luck and hang in there!


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