# Rejection %???



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Looking back - EARLY in my soon to be finished marriage - I used to initiate sex more often. Maybe memory has fogged my head a bit - but I would guess that I was rejected about half the time.

This is part of the reason why I personally became a bit more passive in my pursuits.

On the other hand - I think I was fairly consistent in NOT rejecting my wife very often over our almost 17 years of marriage. I would say "maybe" five percent of the time?

So - how often do you reject "reasonable" advances? How often are your "reasonable" advances rejected?

And by reasonable - you aren't in public - you don't have a house full of guests - you've put SOME effort into your seduction...etc, etc.,

What's a normal rejection % in a HEALTHY relationship?


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Being in your shoes as the one who usually persues...I would *love* to hear how most people answer this question.

As for myself- I have rejected him once in the entire 4 years we've been together (so maybe 1%?) and he has rejected me on average 75-80% in the past 3 years, 30% the first year we were married


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I've never rejected my partners, and most likely never will. The only times I've not been real sexual was after giving birth. I wouldn't say I've ever been rejected either. My fiance and I are on what seems an every other night schedule (for a lack of better words) and during my monthly visitor days, we affectionatly refer to it as "blow job week"


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Rejection is mostly rare for us. In most cases, when one of us is obviously physically ill or out of sorts, initiation does not typically take place and if it does, the act may be deferred by agreement and most importantly, it is upheld, later on.

Also, I have learned that my husband's libido is very different than mine and we really see and experience sex in very different ways. He has also learned and acknowledges this as well. So, that has actually made it a lot easier because we are both recognizing these differences now (it was a lot more difficult when we were out of sync in this area) and we care about not hurting each other, so we are BOTH trying to GIVE to each other as our highest priority.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

I'd say 80%.

And this isn't asking in the grocery store. This is asking at night after I've done the dishes and straightened up and we're alone and sitting down.

More often than not she says 'tomorrow' but that fails to happen alot.

What I think she doesn't fully appreciate is that it's not always about getting off. But it's about the mental aspect. It's about conveying "at the end of a long hard day, the thing I want most is to be close to you, to do the thing that makes us happy together."

So that's the hard part.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

I've rejected once in the past 5 months because of horrible cramps. Horrrible.

But considering we do it about 5 times a week, he didn't care.

He has never rejected me.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

I would be curious to know if those of us who get rejected would be rejected quite as often if we asked first thing in the morning rather than at night?
In a way, I'm kinda sympathetic to the ocassional rejection at night. If you work long hours or have a physically demanding job, you're probably too tired to really enjoy it some nights. Maybe waking up an hour earlier and having sex before the kids wake up/before its time to get ready for work would be more realistic for some people. Ya know, because they slept all night and their bodies had time to revamp?

But on the flip side of that, I know alot of people who are cranky in the morning and those first couple hours before the coffee kicks in are not pretty....Guess it would depend on the person?


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

We wait until we've had a beer after dinner and the kids are in bed. We'll go out to the garage and chat about our day or something we heard in the news....enjoy a beer and a smoke and then go to bed  Rawr.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Some people are really lucky. With me rejection is frowned upon without an excuse. The problem is really what is an excuse. I have tried everything without success. Meaning I dont like rejection, does anybody, so I have said put a note or something similar when you are not available that at least I dont suffer rejection outright. She has always forgotten to do that. If I say put a note when you are available that also never happens. Do women enjoy rejecting or what. Does it give them a sense of power. I havent found a solution has anybody else?


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

accept said:


> Some people are really lucky. With me rejection is frowned upon without an excuse. The problem is really what is an excuse. I have tried everything without success. Meaning I dont like rejection, does anybody, so I have said put a note or something similar when you are not available that at least I dont suffer rejection outright. She has always forgotten to do that. If I say put a note when you are available that also never happens. Do women enjoy rejecting or what. Does it give them a sense of power. I havent found a solution has anybody else?


Women aren't the only ones who "enjoy" rejecting.
I'm a woman and I'm the one who GETS rejected, not the other way around. I'm not sure if my husband is one of those people who actually gets pleasure from it, but I can see how it would easily become a power trip. If you're the one who always says no then you probably would feel like the other person was at your whim, especially if that other person was pathetic enough to beg for sex (as I have shamefully done on many nights).

That said, I don't think everyone is doing it to be cruel. Some people truly are just tired or have low libidos, and for those people the problem is within them and not within the person they are rejecting. They could every much love you and not mean to hurt you.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

My ex (not married but had a kid) rejected me all.the.time. Then he would put on a big production when he finally DID want to have sex...he never woudl have it if I initiated and told me once to "back off and see what happens." I backed off. Nothing happend :rofl: I left. See ya, sucka. Life is too short to be sexless. Now with my husband, we enjoy each other almost nightly and I read up on new techniques that he'll gladly try out


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

UnwantedWife said:


> Women aren't the only ones who "enjoy" rejecting.
> I'm a woman and I'm the one who GETS rejected, not the other way around. I'm not sure if my husband is one of those people who actually gets pleasure from it, but I can see how it would easily become a power trip. If you're the one who always says no then you probably would feel like the other person was at your whim, especially if that other person was pathetic enough to beg for sex (as I have shamefully done on many nights).
> 
> That said, I don't think everyone is doing it to be cruel. Some people truly are just tired or have low libidos, and for those people the problem is within them and not within the person they are rejecting. They could every much love you and not mean to hurt you.


I largely agree. I don't think my wife is being malicious or trying to have power. She works hard (like I do), but she's always needed more sleep/rest than I do. She simply has a lower libido.

The trick is that when i come on to her, she gets the attention in a way. Like I said, it's not all about the sex, it part it's the mental validation of being wanted. So she gets that from me. I just don't think she understands fully that that's the part I fail to get too.

It's interesting, because she's the less secure and I've said politely how "If the roles were reversed and you were being rejected this often, you'd be freaking out and questioning yourself even more. I wish you could undertstand how that makes me feel."

It's nice to be wanted with urgency. To be the priority.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

HEALTHY being the key word. My marriage has had two very different parts. For 2 of the 21 years honestly I probably rejected him 90% of the time, and I never ever initiated, so no chance for him to reject me. His attempts to initiate during these 2 years were very half hearted attempts, and there'd been absolutely no affection outside the bedroom the entire day leading up to that attempt. We were so disconnected that it would have been like having sex with a stranger. Worse, someone I knew but didn't like.

The other 19 years I probably have rejected him 5% of the time, and he rejected me about the same. Pretty much only if one of us is sick, it's that time, or something like that.

This initiate thing is a little wierd to me though. When things are good between us neither of us really "initiates" the sex. It's just kindof understood that we're headed to bed.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Looking back - EARLY in my soon to be finished marriage - I used to initiate sex more often. Maybe memory has fogged my head a bit - but I would guess that I was rejected about half the time.
> 
> This is part of the reason why I personally became a bit more passive in my pursuits.
> 
> ...


Probably around 5%, usually because I have misread her signals. It was worse awhile ago, but I have improved my "foreplay" through out the day. I have also gotten much better understanding her moods and determining when she is interested, when she isn't and when she is indifferent.

I too was passive after I was rejected earlier in our marriage, but have gotten more assertive recently. I area where my wife has really helped is in actively following through on the IOUs. Rejection is much easier when you know the reason your are getting is legitimate, and not just an excuse to avoid you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Looking back - EARLY in my soon to be finished marriage - I used to initiate sex more often. Maybe memory has fogged my head a bit - but I would guess that I was rejected about half the time.
> 
> This is part of the reason why I personally became a bit more passive in my pursuits.
> 
> ...


i have never rejected my husband advances, not once .. he has rejected me 99.5 percent of the time.


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## HaHa (Oct 1, 2010)

I don’t ever reject my husband. If he wants to have sex and I am not in the mood, then I offer some other sexual alternative. For my husband, rejecting him sexually is like saying, “I don’t love you.” Obviously there are times he can tell to not even try if I am super tired..lol..


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*i have never rejected my husband advances, not once .. he has rejected me 99.5 percent of the time.*
I suppose you make about the same amount of advances each. How do you explain it. Maybe your H is old fashioned and believes he has to make the advances. Perhaps you dont make the advances the right way. Have you asked him.


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Looking back - EARLY in my soon to be finished marriage - I used to initiate sex more often. Maybe memory has fogged my head a bit - but I would guess that I was rejected about half the time.
> 
> This is part of the reason why I personally became a bit more passive in my pursuits.
> 
> ...


For us rejection has never been a problem for either of us. We have every other problem a couple could have (or it seems like it) but not that one. I think for us it's an issue of even in the bad times we continued to hook up and never broke that habit, which is the best way to avoid this issue. I know this doesn't help those who are already in a sexless marriage or something close to it, but I do think that just going ahead and doing it remains the best medicine even if it's really bad at times.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*but I do think that just going ahead and doing it remains the best medicine even if it's really bad at times.*
Its not that easy after an argument. Unless you never sleep on one.
But youre right, for a partner to punish the other using sex is the first thing that breaks a marriage.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

About 5% but I dont htink for us that is the relevent question. 

4% for impossible schedule wise running late, differing schedules, morning person vs evening person, need a shower after excercise, physicallabor, etc which results in postponement only

1%

Not feeling it.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Our issue is more about the being blown off for very mild advance attempts to spare ourselves the ill feeling that is rejection.

We hope the other will initiate too much and then they dont. Its sill so I am being a lot more direct/obvious about my wishes and take the rejection like a grown up as much as thats possible for me.

There is either an oblvious issue for both of us or in her case a passive aggressive no thanks.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I don't get rejected by my wife. There are times when she can't have sex because of chronic pain or she is just too fatigued, but at those times she will either give me a hand job or say, "Is it OK if we wait until tomorrow morning (or night as the case might be)." I don't see that as being rejected. There are also times where she does not have the energy or pain tolerance to orgasm, but she will say, "You just go ahead, OK?" 

I never reject her, but then again I don't really give her much chance to initiate! 

I would say, early on in our marriage (we got married at 16 & 17 because she was pregnant) she did reject me about 1/4 of the time. However, it was a symptom of much deeper problems that we have worked through. It is not that way anymore.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

accept said:


> *i have never rejected my husband advances, not once .. he has rejected me 99.5 percent of the time.*
> 
> I suppose you make about the same amount of advances each. I used to but gave up due to being rejected most of the time.How do you explain it.
> 
> ...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Had to think. Been a long time since I had sex. Or even asked for it. 
Still cannot remember. Oh well. Fading memories.


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## NALLA80 (Oct 9, 2011)

My husband rejected me night after night, it didn't even matter if I offered him BJ, he actually refused To receive BJ with lame excuses but then again, he also came out of the closet. but yes rejection sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

I get rejected about 20% of the time and probably reject my wife less than 10% of the time (usually when she says something to annoy me).


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

CalifGuy said:


> I get rejected about 20% of the time and probably reject my wife less than 10% of the time (usually when she says something to annoy me).


To me, that sounds reasonable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Now 99.99%

Starting Saturday Hopefully 2%


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

never rejected her. And she has never rejected me.......really ......in almost 35 years! Its something we talked about and agreed to before marriage and we have always followed it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Rejection hurts, no matter who is asking for it and for what reason. 

My hubby and I rarely reject anymore. Earlier in our marriage we both have rejected each other. We were exhausted. These last few months have been averaging 6 days a week. It's been great for the both of us. I hope it continues for a long time. I'm worried about menopause decreasing my drive. I should have a few years before worrying about that anyways.

I love to please my husband. He does so much for me, he deserves it! His feeling are the same, he love to please me as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> So - how often do you reject "reasonable" advances?


Hell it depends on whether wifey turns me on or not, since she realised how I'm not interested in being leg-wrapped the rejection rate has fallen up to maybe... 10% or so.



> How often are your "reasonable" advances rejected?


Never, unless you want to count "nos" as in "no! (yes please!)" heh, I love it when she teases me like that and she knows.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> So - how often do you reject "reasonable" advances? How often are your "reasonable" advances rejected?
> ...
> What's a normal rejection % in a HEALTHY relationship?


We have an otherwise healthy marriage. Aside from sex we are good friends and play house together well.

I don't try to initiate anymore as a "no" to me feels like a knife in my heart. I haven't tried to initiate in at least a few years. Don't ask and you won't get told no. So my reasonable advances are rejected 100% of the time.

I never refuse her; if I did we'd never have sex. It's very emasculating as a man for the wife to tell me when and how we have sex. Any advances or ideas from me are told no. I wish I had the courage to say no to her but infrequent vanilla sex is better than none.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Now 99.99%
> 
> Starting Saturday Hopefully 2%


Really T2FIO I am not following you, but you do make me laugh..... As you plan on reducing the no's (or strikeouts) from 99.99% to 2%, I take it you are now going to ask for sex 2X's/yr, thus getting a no once in the next 25 years and sex the other 49X's????

As for the majority of the rest, you are all freaks batting 95%+, unless of course you too never ask for it!!!!


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Agree HSTS. Good luck Trying, but in my experience I don't see people changing that much. And 99% to 2% is about as much as it's possible to change!


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## husband1987 (Dec 13, 2011)

I'm 24 and been married for barely a year. I'm rejected 95% of the time. No make that 100% of the time. The only time we have sex is when she initiates and I never reject her. I'm even rejected ever time after I giver her a full-body massage (aka nude).


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

How 87. What was she like before marriage? Anything else changed?

You might want to rethink that before you get in any deeper (e.g. kids) because it's not going to get any better.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I imagine if you only know when to ask that rejection % will be quite low, as will those that have it 5+X's/wk.....


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## husband1987 (Dec 13, 2011)

TallJeff said:


> How 87. What was she like before marriage? Anything else changed?
> 
> You might want to rethink that before you get in any deeper (e.g. kids) because it's not going to get any better.


Well, it was like a perfect dream for the first four months. Then it decreased. And after the sixth month, when we got engaged, it steeply dropped off. So, we've been together 2.5 years and have had a passionate relationship for a fraction of that. 

She says she is more stressed but IMO she had about the same amount of stress before. Who doesn't have stress? And when is relaxed she just watches movies or TV until she is tired. This is completely different then how I pictured marriage.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

husband1987 said:


> Well, it was like a perfect dream for the first four months. Then it decreased. And after the sixth month, when we got engaged, it steeply dropped off. So, we've been together 2.5 years and have had a passionate relationship for a fraction of that.
> 
> She says she is more stressed but IMO she had about the same amount of stress before. Who doesn't have stress? And when is relaxed she just watches movies or TV until she is tired. This is completely different then how I pictured marriage.


Basically she isn't making you a priority. And it's unlikely to get any better, stress only goes up when you advance in your job, or build your business, or have kids, etc.

And I understand that it's not really about the sex. The sex is nice, but it's mentally/psychologically important to have the validation from your wife that you're wanted and desired, and that you're married to someone who wants to do things for you.

You're a handsome guy, well educated guy (I read in the other thread you're in a PhD program). You have options. Let her know that.


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## husband1987 (Dec 13, 2011)

TallJeff said:


> Basically she isn't making you a priority. And it's unlikely to get any better, stress only goes up when you advance in your job, or build your business, or have kids, etc.
> 
> And I understand that it's not really about the sex. The sex is nice, but it's mentally/psychologically important to have the validation from your wife that you're wanted and desired, and that you're married to someone who wants to do things for you.
> 
> You're a handsome guy, well educated guy (I read in the other thread you're in a PhD program). You have options. Let her know that.


Thanks for the compliments. 

Your statements worry me. Stress and being tired always seem to be the main reasons, and like you said it just gets worse. And as I mentioned, when she is relaxed, she would rather do other things until she gets tired.

She would love to do anything for me as long as it isn't sex.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am going to define rejection as: Person A initiates, person B says No. 

I would put that at 2% or less in our marriage. Rejection - like that - is just a huge no no in our marriage. Because we both view initiating as a non-verbal version of "do you love me like a spouse"? Answering that question with a "no" is a VERY hurtful thing to do. It just doesn't belong in a healthy marriage. 

With that said the HD partner has to be just as loving about managing their higher libido as their lower drive partner is about managing their lower libido. For me that means not radiating a sexual vibe when my W is tired/stressed/in a bad place mentally. It means being affectionate and extra nice on many of those nights and making sure she knows I am not irritated that her drive is lower than mine. 

For her that means paying attention to frequency and making sure I know that she will go the extra mile for me on nights when if it were totally up to her we would just watch tv and sleep. 

We both make an effort to put each others needs first. 

If I tried to pressure her into fully matching my ideal frequency it would harm the marriage and KILL her love for me. It is equally true that if she played the "sex only happens when I feel like it" game, it would harm the marriage and KILL my love for her. 

And FWIW there is no symmettry here. If she wants to - we do. I don't ask her to wait a day, as she sometimes does with me. And the reason for that is simple. She has said yes so many times out of love, that I don't feel right even asking for a night off. 




Enchantment said:


> Rejection is mostly rare for us. In most cases, when one of us is obviously physically ill or out of sorts, initiation does not typically take place and if it does, the act may be deferred by agreement and most importantly, it is upheld, later on.
> 
> Also, I have learned that my husband's libido is very different than mine and we really see and experience sex in very different ways. He has also learned and acknowledges this as well. So, that has actually made it a lot easier because we are both recognizing these differences now (it was a lot more difficult when we were out of sync in this area) and we care about not hurting each other, so we are BOTH trying to GIVE to each other as our highest priority.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I just think - looking back sometimes - how little we know about marriage when we are young.

50% - that really should have have been a problem. But I had nothing really to compare to. And of course that rejection just led to me asking less and less and to more problems.


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## agentem (Oct 13, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> HEALTHY being the key word. My marriage has had two very different parts. For 2 of the 21 years honestly I probably rejected him 90% of the time, and I never ever initiated, so no chance for him to reject me. His attempts to initiate during these 2 years were very half hearted attempts, and there'd been absolutely no affection outside the bedroom the entire day leading up to that attempt. We were so disconnected that it would have been like having sex with a stranger. Worse, someone I knew but didn't like.
> 
> The other 19 years I probably have rejected him 5% of the time, and he rejected me about the same. Pretty much only if one of us is sick, it's that time, or something like that.
> 
> This initiate thing is a little wierd to me though. When things are good between us neither of us really "initiates" the sex. It's just kindof understood that we're headed to bed.


I'm curious I'mAllIn, what was it that sparked the turnaround? I get rejected 90% of the time or more, and I'd love to hear from your perspective what got you to change.


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## why1234 (Dec 14, 2011)

Okay well I'm in the same boat with my H , im 23 h 28, married 6 years 2 kids. Well h used to not be able to keep his hands off me called me his trophy wife, then med problems during pregnancy caused me to go from 110 to 200lbs. he flat out refused to touch me, i disgusted him. couldn't get him to have sex with me for anything unless we were watching porn and he could stare at the tv during. well i started dropping weight we started having sex again. second prego i only gained 15lbs this time our frequency was still good, then he drops bombshell, over the years when were having sex he thinks about bdsm and visualizes that. So being the w i am i bring fantazy into reality, it was great at first, then he moved into left field with getting off on actually hurting me, and just crazy things like seeing how many apples he can stick inside of me & watch me push them out. So I wish he would go back to rejecting me.


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