# Wife talked about poor sexual performance publicly



## Chicago123 (Jun 24, 2013)

Over the weekend, my wife and I were at a get together with good friends. Somehow the conversion turned to having sex while skydiving (funny, I know). Then, in front of the group, she said "Michael wouldn't be good at that. He's not good performing under pressure." Note that there have been a handful (5 or so) of times in our 6 year marriage, where I had trouble when there was time pressure (i.e. <10 min for sex)). One guy laughed and said, "I'm sorry" (referring to her words). There was a very long, uncomfortable silence, and someone finally said "so....the Blackhawks won", and the subject finally changed. I was mortified. I couldn't believe she said something so intimate and embarrassing in front of all those people (7). 

I am really struggling with how to deal with it. What she said made me feel the most embarrassed I have ever been. The fact that friends will probably tell the story to others, makes it even worse. 

I am a sensitive, anxiety-filled guy. I've had a hard time getting the events out of my head. I am incredibly saddened by all of this. I know her heart, and she didn't think about how hurtful it was before she said it. That being said, it is something that I will have to live with as long as we are friends with these individuals (who happen to all be neighbors) - not to mention the feelings of (unintentional) betrayal on my wife's part.

A little background information: She has said several other comments publicly that have really hurt me. For example, she has said I'm drunk/high all the time. While I probably drink/smoke too much (5x/week, but rarely "drunk"), the exaggeration of "all the time" made me feel like pond scum. Another example: I recently asked a question regarding a conversation she was having with a couple we were having drinks with, and her response was "You don't need to know". As you can see, feelings of embarrassment/emasculation is something I struggle with. In each case, I told my wife how I was feeling, and she apologized. Although the above examples may make it seem like we don't have a good marriage, we really do. We communicate openly and rarely fight. I know she loves me a great deal, as I do her.

I feel like it would be a betrayal to talk to family/close guy friends about this, so am left to posting online. I love my wife, and forgive her, but am still struggling with my feelings. 

Does anyone have any advice?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Awww...that's a really hurtful thing for her to say in front of others. I am sure she thought it would just be funny, but it was still hurtful. 

So I think I am understanding that you didn't say anything to her about it, right? So at this time she doesn't know it hurt your feelings?

It sounds like you two need better communication skills, but you also know you have an anxiety problem. Are you in counseling for your anxiety, or are you doing anything to manage it?

As for the drinking...5x per week is pretty high. Your wife shouldn't be talking to other people about that, but she should be working with you on that if it bothers her.

.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Chicago123 said:


> Over the weekend, my wife and I were at a get together with good friends. Somehow the conversion turned to having sex while skydiving (funny, I know). Then, in front of the group, she said "Michael wouldn't be good at that. He's not good performing under pressure." Note that there have been a handful (5 or so) of times in our 6 year marriage, where I had trouble when there was time pressure (i.e. <10 min for sex)). One guy laughed and said, "I'm sorry" (referring to her words). There was a very long, uncomfortable silence, and someone finally said "so....the Blackhawks won", and the subject finally changed. I was mortified. I couldn't believe she said something so intimate and embarrassing in front of all those people (7).
> 
> I am really struggling with how to deal with it. What she said made me feel the most embarrassed I have ever been. The fact that friends will probably tell the story to others, makes it even worse.
> 
> ...


Have you told her what you've told us?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It seems like your wife is passive aggressively airing her issues with you in public settings.
It also sounds like she doesn't have very much respect for you.I find it hard to believe she didn't know the things she said would be hurtful.When you're with someone you tend to know what causes them pain and what's ok.

What's the rest of your marriage like? Any issues aside from her taking shots at you in public?


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## Chicago123 (Jun 24, 2013)

No, we've discussed the issue quite a bit in the past few days. We have great communication.

Regarding drinking, I completely agree with you. The point I was making, was simply that I am often embarrassed by her words. I do see a doctor for my anxiety.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Next time tell them she is so frigid every time she spreads her legs a light comes on. She how she likes that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chicago123 (Jun 24, 2013)

Our marriage is great. Of course there are small issues, but we have a seemingly better relationship than that of most other married couples I encounter. We communicate our feelings openly, and rarely fight.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Chicago123 said:


> Our marriage is great. Of course there are small issues, but we have a seemingly better relationship than that of most other married couples I encounter. We communicate our feelings openly, and rarely fight.


Since your marriage is great,continue talking to her about the issue.It seems if the marriage is awesome there's really no need to discuss it here then,right? :scratchhead:


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## Chicago123 (Jun 24, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Since your marriage is great,continue talking to her about the issue.It seems if the marriage is awesome there's really no need to discuss it here then,right? :scratchhead:


While we have a great marriage and I forgive her, I am very conflicted by this ordeal. Sexual performance is probably the thing a majority of men are most sensitive about, and knowing that our friends and acquaintances now have that perception of me, is painful.

I don't feel like there is much more to be said to her, as she knows how much it hurt, and that I am struggling.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Chicago123 said:


> While we have a great marriage and I forgive her, I am very conflicted by this ordeal. Sexual performance is probably the thing a majority of men are most sensitive about, and knowing that our friends and acquaintances now have that perception of me, is painful.
> 
> I don't feel like there is much more to be said to her, as she knows how much it hurt, and that I am struggling.


I understand.Well if it helps,your friends probably didn't give it much thought and have likely forgotten about it by now.Usually things that we think are huge,others don't really care that much about.That's how it is today,people are absorbed in themselves and don't really remember many details about the personal lives of their friends or casual remarks made at parties.


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## Chicago123 (Jun 24, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I understand.Well if it helps,your friends probably didn't give it much thought and have likely forgotten about it by now.Usually things that we think are huge,others don't really care that much about.That's how it is today,people are absorbed in themselves and don't really remember many details about the personal lives of their friends or casual remarks made at parties.



On most things, I agree that people would not remember. However, I think this sort of issue is something that people will relish gossiping about. I know there is nothing I can do about this though.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry you got put in that situation. Since you guys have talked about it is she clear how much it embarrasses you when she speaks of your performance in a duerogatory way - and to please never do it again?

Its of utmost importance to hold each other up in public. I had to learn this when I was younger as well. If everyone is joking around in a self depreciating manner it is not okay to join in unless you are only joking about yourself.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Chicago123 said:


> On most things, I agree that people would not remember. However, I think this sort of issue is something that people will relish gossiping about. I know there is nothing I can do about this though.


If you notice them acting weird,address it outright.That's really the only answer.Or deflect with your own humor at some point.When you make jokes at your own expense that gives you the control over the situation instead of having your penis cut off by someone else making the joke.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Chicago123 said:


> No, we've discussed the issue quite a bit in the past few days. We have great communication.
> 
> Regarding drinking, I completely agree with you. The point I was making, was simply that I am often embarrassed by her words. I do see a doctor for my anxiety.


If your communication is so great, why does she keep doing this?

And if this is so hurtful, why don't you say anything when she makes the comment? Perhaps noting that sometimes she is just not the exciting? If she thinks that type of humor is funny, it should be for both sides.

By the way, does she respect you? In your other interactions, who does she treat you?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd guess your wife has some hostility or resentment directed toward you. It would behoove you to look into this. You could ask her but I suspect she'll either deny it, tell you you're too sensitive, or claim she doesn't know why she does it. Maybe is subconscious and she really doesn't know, but this is for a third party counselor to explore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I think she has hidden resentments. Either that or she really has no filter between her brain and her mouth. Since you say communication is so great, TALK to her about what happened. Find out exactly what she was thinking in the moment, why she said what she did, what reaction did she expect from the others, what reaction did she expect from you hearing it. Ask her how she'd feel if you talked about her private parts in an embarassing way such as how she's really not that tight down there. Really get to the bottom of why she did what she did. Don't just take a simple apology. I feel like perhaps you've rugswept previous hurtful statements by her. 

By the way, you've mentioned more than once that you rarely argue. Rarely fighting isn't always a sign of a good marriage. While one doesn't want fights all the time, healthy even heated disagreement can be good for a marriage. Look up John Gottman's book about the habits of happily married people. He found people in solid stable marriages sometimes have very heated disagreements. It's not the fight that's bad, it's how you fight and how you two resolve the issue that caused the fight.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You may be a conflict avoider ...

Anyway this is disrespectful. Indeed much resentment.

It also sends a message to males that she does not respect her husband and is in sexual need. Some men will take that as a plea for another man to step in. Really.

You should do his needs her needs together. Also do the boundary setting.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your wife pulled a c-nty move. There are certain things one should not say in public, especially if it makes you feel bad. She clearly has no tact or respect for you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is what you say to wife. In a very serious tone.

Wife, the one thing I cannot ever tolerate is disrespect from you.
If you ever do anything like that again, I will file for divorce.

If she says anything else, then repeat yourself. You don't want to entertain her ratioanlizations, defenses etc.... Just repeat yourself and if she starts talking too much say "this conversation is over".

To get your wife's respect, you must earn it.


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

just playing Devil's advocate here but consider that since you have so rarely had a problem performing under pressure that she had no reason to think her little joke would strike such a nerve with you or that you would be upset by it. 

For example my wife once made a joke about me having a small penis at party in front of others. I was talking about how painful a recent kidney stone had been and towards the end of my story she slyly remarked "at least when you had to pass it out of your system it didn't have very far to travel". I knew it was all in fun, I flushed red and gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek and everybody laughed.

The fact that you describe an awkward silence (no laughing) and a quick change of subject suggests that her delivery might have been poor or she might have intended to hurt you in front of your friends. If that is the case then you need to let her know that you won't tolerate such behavior. Not only was it rude to you but also rude to your friends who had the good time of dinner party made to feel awkward by her comments.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

My instincts say this is passive aggressive... PA's always act surprised and sorry... " Opps sooooorry...didn't mean to hurt your feelings". 

Maybe look into why she might be feeling resentment towards you and why she isn't communicating it to you in a respectful and considerate way. 

I doubt there are many adult women that don't know (most) men hate hate hate to be made fun of regarding either their penis or their sexual performance, especially in public. 

But who knows... maybe your wife hasn't heard about this...maybe you should tell her!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

You may think you have a great marriage, but I find it hard to believe that a woman in a great marriage would demean her husband in this way. 

Most women with any sense know men are sensitive about such things, to voice negatives about your husbands 'performance' is the height of disrespect. Saying something like that to a group of friends is meant to be hurtful, humiliating, and emasculating.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

waiwera said:


> I doubt there are many adult women that don't know (most) men hate hate hate to be made fun of regarding either their penis or their sexual performance, especially in public.
> 
> But who knows... maybe your wife hasn't heard about this...maybe you should tell her!


Great minds think alike! I stepped away while writing my .02 and didn't see your post until mine posted - honestly. Glad to see someone else had the same thought.


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## Chicago123 (Jun 24, 2013)

I have a wonderful marriage to a wonderful woman. She simply said something without thinking. While I don't know if it was passive aggressive, I am confident she would never knowingly embarrass me in public that bad on purpose. She felt terrible, crying multiple times over 24 hours. It was genuine.

My initial question was whether anyone had any advice regarding the mixed emotions this event brought on.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Chicago123 said:


> I have a wonderful marriage to a wonderful woman. She simply said something without thinking. While I don't know if it was passive aggressive, I am confident she would never knowingly embarrass me in public that bad on purpose. She felt terrible, crying multiple times over 24 hours. It was genuine.
> 
> My initial question was whether anyone had any advice regarding the mixed emotions this event brought on.


That's good to hear. Write it off as a mistake on her part.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> Great minds think alike! I stepped away while writing my .02 and didn't see your post until mine posted - honestly. Glad to see someone else had the same thought.


That's not just men, PEOPLE. Women too! Imagine poking the comment at her breast or vaginal region. It's not about tough skin, some of these comments shouldn't be made and are hurtful to the reciever.


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## Chicago123 (Jun 24, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I think she has hidden resentments. Either that or she really has no filter between her brain and her mouth. Since you say communication is so great, TALK to her about what happened. Find out exactly what she was thinking in the moment, why she said what she did, what reaction did she expect from the others, what reaction did she expect from you hearing it. Ask her how she'd feel if you talked about her private parts in an embarassing way such as how she's really not that tight down there. Really get to the bottom of why she did what she did. Don't just take a simple apology. I feel like perhaps you've rugswept previous hurtful statements by her.
> 
> By the way, you've mentioned more than once that you rarely argue. Rarely fighting isn't always a sign of a good marriage. While one doesn't want fights all the time, healthy even heated disagreement can be good for a marriage. Look up John Gottman's book about the habits of happily married people. He found people in solid stable marriages sometimes have very heated disagreements. It's not the fight that's bad, it's how you fight and how you two resolve the issue that caused the fight.


You mistake the word argue, for fight. There is a huge difference. We have arguments frequently, because we share our feelings with each other. However, we rarely raise our voices, and don't fight with malice.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

waiwera said:


> My instincts say this is passive aggressive... PA's always act surprised and sorry... " Opps sooooorry...didn't mean to hurt your feelings".
> 
> Maybe look into why she might be feeling resentment towards you and why she isn't communicating it to you in a respectful and considerate way.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Chicago123 said:


> I have a wonderful marriage to a wonderful woman. She simply said something without thinking. While I don't know if it was passive aggressive, I am confident she would never knowingly embarrass me in public that bad on purpose. She felt terrible, crying multiple times over 24 hours. It was genuine.
> 
> My initial question was whether anyone had any advice regarding the mixed emotions this event brought on.


Yes the advice I think many of the other posters here are telling you is 
1. communication. She's got to know what you find offensive.
2. boundaries boundaries boundaries. Set them, keep them, police them, talk about them.

We all pick our battles of what's a big deal or not and I certainly make disrespect (especially in front of people) one of mine. Personally I think everyone man or woman should do the same. It should be painfully clear that performance jabs in mixed company is way beyond the limit. I'm assuming you don't do this to her so it's not much to ask that she treat you with equal dignity that you give to her.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> You may think you have a great marriage, but I find it hard to believe that a woman in a great marriage would demean her husband in this way.
> 
> Most women with any sense know men are sensitive about such things, to voice negatives about your husbands 'performance' is the height of disrespect. Saying something like that to a group of friends is meant to be hurtful, humiliating, and emasculating.


It's interesting that I used to think my wife simply had no filter between brain and mouth. I used to believe that she was so honest that no question is off limits. Over time, I realized that she herself was very guarded ... she did have a filter but only as it pertains to herself. Then I finally realized she really is passive aggressive ... the evidence is mounting as I learn more about passive aggressive behaviors.

OPs experience is similar to mine ... in fact, it involves skydivers. This was about 13 years ago and still clear in my mind. We were with a couple who were accomplished skydivers ... both having recorded over 1000 jumps each. Her father owned a skydiving place in Texas and she had been skydiving since her teens. He was a photographer who earned extra money on weekends filming jumps ... he's the guy with the camera on the helmet. I have fond memories of days we hung out at the jump site. Anyway, we had gone to see fireworks on July 4th and afterwards were standing near our car waiting for traffic to clear up. So .... my wife has always had a problem experiencing a vaginal O, no matter what I do. I will admit that it was bugging me a lot and if I hadn't had the experiences I had prior to her, I would have been easily convinced something was wrong with me. After all, that is a matter of pride for men ... and you can see many examples of that bragging on this site 
So what comes out of my wife's mouth to our friends? "Can I ask you something? I can't seem to orgasm ... you know, with him inside me ... do you ever have that problem with Bob?" OMFG! Their response ... "uhmmm, no ... maybe when we started dating but not now" I felt completely emasculated. I'M STANDING RIGHT THERE. Yeah ... that ruined me for a while.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I was surprised that you feel you have a happy marriege. How is that possible when your wife publically humiliates you. Not once but many times? Each time she is sorry. she should try never doing it again.

Tell her that. Next time there will be consequences. I woukdn't humiliate her in retaliation. I would tell her to find her own way home you are going for a drive to clear your head. 

I don't blame you for being anxious, it's difficult to know when she will take the next oppurtunity to express her anger publicly. 

I was supprised that you think you rarely fight, your wife is fighting, albeit she is not a fair fighter. She expressesU her anger and resentment indirectly instead of having it out directly. 

I'm not sure of the distinction between an argument and a fight but if you are not raising your voices and being passionate than you are probably not saying what you really feel. 

You can't clear the air if you don't say what is really bothering you and how passionate you feel about it. 

Not fighting is not a good thing. You are sad and angry and you are not taking it up with your wife and she has resentments towards you that leak out because she avoids saying anything to you. 

I think you need MC because your marriage may be in more trouble than you know. I suspect your wife is not as happy as she seems and she may suprise you in an unpleasant way when you find out what she really thinks. 

You need to get comfortable with conflict and you need to get to the bottom of what she really feels. 

I think you should tackle this periodic public outing head on. Let her know the next time it happens she will need to find her own way home.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I was surprised that you feel you have a happy marriege. How is that possible when your wife publically humiliates you. Not once but many times? Each time she is sorry. she should try never doing it again.
> 
> Tell her that. Next time there will be consequences. I woukdn't humiliate her in retaliation. I would tell her to find her own way home you are going for a drive to clear your head.
> 
> ...


This!

I used to take pride in the fact that my wife and I never fought. I used to think that was a sign of a healthy relationship; especially using my parents as an example ... mom has a temper and gets out of control. It is NOT healthy over the long term for exactly the reasons that Catherine describes. My wife fights ... it is just so subtle that it is hard to recognize.


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## Seawolf (Oct 10, 2011)

Chicago,

I strongly believe that your knows exactly what she is doing. I don't think she necessarily has resentment issues with you, but rather, my guess is that she is a strong willed woman who likes to have a certain level of control and this is one of the ways she is establishing the marital pecking order. Most marriages, in their early years go through this ritual.

Ive been married well over two decades and had a similar issue in my marriage in the early years. I came from a family that always went to extremes to cover up conflict, while my wife came from a family that argued openly without regard to her was around. As you can imagine, I was mortified when we would have a public disagreement, and soon I began to notice that, at times -not a lot- she would use my embarrassment against me to get an upper hand. I'm not even sure she was fully aware that this was what she was doing

What to do? It tookme awhile but I finally realized that I had to achieve peace, through strength....MAD otherwise known as making her aware that this tactic would only lead to Mutually Assurred Destruction. So, the next time it happened I told her it would be the last time, or else I would escalate. Of course there was a next time, and I followed through....quite embarrassing for her, but she did back down. On the drive home, I made clear that I backed up my warning and would do so again.

It took a couple more events, but both were much weaker tests, which I put down gentily while giving her a knowing look, and it never happened again. 

Was it easy for me? Hell no! A mans gotta be a man though Hombre, and let me tell you, after you get the cahones to stand up for yourself publicly, other's opinions be damned, and then see the results? Well, to paraphrase the guy who sells suits on TV, you're gonna like how you feel. 

Most importantly, she will too. In the end, most women want the assurance that her man is stone enough to lead and protect the family. If you where lucky enough to pick a smart, strong willed woman then you are just going to have to work a little harder than other guys to earn the benefits that come with such a woman. And trust, they are many and wonderful, not the least of which are to be found in the bedroom.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Seawolf said:


> Chicago,
> 
> I strongly believe that your knows exactly what she is doing. I don't think she necessarily has resentment issues with you, but rather, my guess is that she is a strong willed woman who likes to have a certain level of control and this is one of the ways she is establishing the marital pecking order. Most marriages, in their early years go through this ritual.


I'm glad you pointed it out like this. Yes, a move like this ( I call them power moves ), establishes her importance in the frame by revealing a humiliating fact which raises her importance. If you could've said "well we both know that's not true", it would have absorbed the comment. The people who establish their dominance or Alpha in this manner, will keep at it... 



Seawolf said:


> Ive been married well over two decades and had a similar issue in my marriage in the early years. I came from a family that always went to extremes to cover up conflict, while my wife came from a family that argued openly without regard to her was around. As you can imagine, I was mortified when we would have a public disagreement, and soon I began to notice that, at times -not a lot- she would use my embarrassment against me to get an upper hand. I'm not even sure she was fully aware that this was what she was doing


I am wondering if you found effective strategies to deal with these public humiliations? We have established it's used to establish rank, relative importance and pecking order. A comment like the one we described, minimizes the reciever to the issuer and the group as a whole.



Seawolf said:


> What to do? It tookme awhile but I finally realized that I had to achieve peace, through strength....MAD otherwise known as making her aware that this tactic would only lead to Mutually Assurred Destruction. So, the next time it happened I told her it would be the last time, or else I would escalate. Of course there was a next time, and I followed through....quite embarrassing for her, but she did back down. On the drive home, I made clear that I backed up my warning and would do so again.


Haha, so you answered my question. So when you realized you were being "negged", or "humiliated" or "put in your place" for her to have her upper hand, and it doesnt' sound like it's your natural style to do this or have to deal with it - where you starting to build up a laundry list of your own, so you could achieve parity in the situation "through any means necessary"?



Seawolf said:


> It took a couple more events, but both were much weaker tests, which I put down gentily while giving her a knowing look, and it never happened again.


Great example. It was said to elimiate the negativity, you will get some negative feedback and negative tests, it's done to see if you are still reactive or affected in this manner.



Seawolf said:


> Was it easy for me? Hell no! A mans gotta be a man though Hombre, and let me tell you, after you get the cahones to stand up for yourself publicly, other's opinions be damned, and then see the results? Well, to paraphrase the guy who sells suits on TV, you're gonna like how you feel.


I love it already, having a clear path. This type of attack was being used on me, and it was minimizing my frame. I know what it was being done for, and through frustration and anger you could become violent or react to aggressively. I like your clear and concise manner in which to deal with this type of situation.



Seawolf said:


> Most importantly, she will too. In the end, most women want the assurance that her man is stone enough to lead and protect the family. If you where lucky enough to pick a smart, strong willed woman then you are just going to have to work a little harder than other guys to earn the benefits that come with such a woman. And trust, they are many and wonderful, not the least of which are to be found in the bedroom.


This sounds good. My guess is you guys are alot more effective, because she knows you won't take it, that you are aware and her perception is adjusted to see you more as an equal and team mate.


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