# Need Advice - Husband has left me!



## trenethick (Jun 28, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for just a year but together for nearly 4. We have both have children from previous relationships, i have 2 and he has 4. Mine live with us, he has his children regularly at weekends and see's them in the week. The father of my children left me for another woman 2 years before I met my husband but I was still not fully over the rejection of being left and guilt at feeling I had failed my children by not trying harder. I have also found it very overwhelming having so many children together at times, his children are very close in age, all under 10. They are beautiful children, whom I get on with very well and feel very close to. Both my children and his children get on and he and my children adore one another but I suppose I have struggled to come to terms with the whole step-family situation and I cannot really explain why. I have hated myself for it but I suppose I have been slightly jealous - ridiculous I know. 

I have tried to explain how I have felt to my husband at times, without wanting to hurt his feelings and he has always said that the love he has for me will overcome anything, he has waited his whole life to be this happy and would not be backing out on me for any reason. But just recently, especially since we got married, certain things happened to me to upset me - I fell out with my best friend, my son changed school, I changed jobs and regret that - and I suppose without realising it I became very down but just pushed him away, told him I loved him but didn't show him. Maybe I took it for granted that he would always be here I don't know. 

In March he left us for three weeks, went to stay at his mum's, he came back because I persuaded him to but we did not really discuss our problems enough and we slipped back again. Since then I have been trying and trying by taking him out for meals, taking him away for a beautiful wedding anniversary weekend, leaving him notes around the house, anything I can think of to get him to open up. He had completely almost shut down, said he part of him wanted to be here but part of him wanted to be by himself. He says he feels empty inside. Then one day in May he came home, apologetic saying he knows how hard I've been trying and he really wants to make a go of it, that he cannot bare to lose me etc etc. For a week things were perfect, we decided to go for counselling, we were so happy - then we had one row and he retreated again and I have not been able to get him to open up or talk. We went for 5 counselling sessions, we both feel it made things worse, during that time I struggled to stop him from leaving until one day 4 weeks ago I came home from work and he had gone. Taken all of his stuff and left me a note, the day before his birthday. 

He said then he wanted some space but he has since moved in with a mate of his that needed a house mate, stopped his money going into my bank (both of these without telling me, I found out about him staying with his friend through someone else) and has said that he no longer wants to go to counselling. He has been to the doctor and been described anti-depressants but I am not sure whether he is taking them or not.

We have not spoken on the phone or seen each other for 3 weeks but do text. I sent him an email trying to explain to him how i feel about him, his children and our marriage. And he has sent a few emails saying that he doesn't know how long he may feel like he feels so wants to let me go and move on with my life. He hasn't actually said that he doesn;t want me or wnat to be married to me anymore and has said nothing like that in person but he has said that he emailed me because he knew he wouldn't be able to tell me face to face. I have responded to that telling him that I am not prepared to give up on him or his kids or our marriage. 

I love him SO much, and it is only since he has gone that I have fully realised how much. I cannot eat, sleep. Have lost a stone in weight and cannot stop thinking about it. I am so scared that he is not going to come home. My friends don't think he is and have told me I need to move on and stop punishing myself. I do not know what to do, everything I do do seems to be wrong. i just do not understand how he could have felt how he did only a few short weeks ago and now not change that again. I am worried that I may push him further away by continually telling him how I feel but also worry if I do not keep in contact he may not think I am thinking of him. I am scared as I do not want to lose him and am so cross with myself and him for us not communicating enough before it got this bad.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

I may be an idiot but how can people expect you to move on with your life after only 3 weeks? A lot of people try prayer in times like these and say it helps. Try to keep busy if you can, try to focus on other things, like work, the kids, anything but wondering what he is up to or going to do, cuz that will drive you crazy believe me I know. Good luck to ya and I hope things work out well.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> I may be an idiot but how can people expect you to move on with your life after only 3 weeks?


Brewster that's magic mate. I've a few friends saying move on Bob. Geesh I was with my wife over 40 years. Yeh just like drop it all and forget it.

trenethick,
It may be a phase he's going through but whatever it is do take time out for yourself. Do special things just for yourself, be selfish!

Bob


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Other things that may help, reading, definetly do a search on what the 7 stages of grief are, for me it at least made me know what I am going through is normal and I am not losing my mind. Spend time with people who actually love you, not the shallow ones who tell you to move on with your life.


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## trenethick (Jun 28, 2010)

Thank you for advice! I've just spent the last few weeks going over and over what I can do/say to change his mind to make him see how I do not want us to throw this away and I feel like I'm going mad. Ultimately I suppose right now there is nothing that I can do, he made the decision to move out only he can make the decision to come back. 

I definately do need to be selfish and do things for me to make me happy.


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## meshell (Jul 2, 2010)

I am going through the same thing as far as he wants me to let him go and move on. But he obviously is not ready to because he won't file for divorce. This separation thing is killing me. I can't move on. I want to try with every once of me to make this work. I just don't know how to get him to come home. I hope you find a way to come together again. Good luck!


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## trenethick (Jun 28, 2010)

meshell said:


> I am going through the same thing as far as he wants me to let him go and move on. But he obviously is not ready to because he won't file for divorce. This separation thing is killing me. I can't move on. I want to try with every once of me to make this work. I just don't know how to get him to come home. I hope you find a way to come together again. Good luck!


The most advice I seem to have read or been told repeatedly is to keep my distance and start to concentrate on me and making me happy. I have started to feel a little better over the past week, I am taking anti-depressents which I think has helped me to stop crying so much, start eating and being able to cope more. I realise that nothing I do now can make him come home, it'll only happen if he wants it to so I am trying (as hard as it is some days) to get on with life as if he may not come back.

So I haven;t been contacting him at all over past two weeks - only if he has contacted me. I have had a completely new haircut and went out this weekend with friends and felt really good. He saw me out and has been texting and ringing me ever since. I'm not sure whether it will amount to anything, but it definately proves there is something to be said for trying to move on with your life. I still want my husband to come home but I don't need him to make me happy - I need to learn to do that for myself. Good luck to you too meshell, really hope it works out for you too. x


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

So go out with your friends more, let his azz stew for a while no contact. You may actually find out that lifes pretty good without him. If you want him back dont show him that dont call let him try to pursue you. Funny guys want what they cant have.


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