# On the path now



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

So, I guess this is it. We finally stopped skirting around it. We aren't going to make it. We said it, we cried, we talked, cried some more. Our youngest is graduating high school this year, so we will take these next months to plan and figure it out. 

My husband is seeing a therapist, which is something he probably needed to do a long, long time ago. He suggested I do, too. Mostly to help with the transition, and if think he's probably right. 

I'm sad. I probably will continue to be sad for some time. But in my heart, I know it's right. 

Right now, I'm just grieving.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do see a therapist. It will help.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Yes, I suppose it will. The ironic thing is that I've been in therapy before and I am so much stronger and healthier now than I have ever been. 

Not really sure what I was looking for with my OP. Just needed to see it in writing, I guess. Thanks for the support. It means a lot.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Have you spent time apart before?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

No, we haven't.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Don't do it......or at least consider this.....most people that stayed together during the periods that they both wanted to split reported that they were glad that they stayed together. I believe the number is somewhere around 80-85%. Weather the storm and become stronger. I wish I could get my stbxw to consider this. Just my .02


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm afraid we are just too far gone. We aren't going to do anything permanent until fall, I'm sure. But my husband already made his decision a long time ago. By the time I realized how bad it is, it was too late. I'm glad he's talking to someone, though. At least we can work through some things during these last months. I don't have much hope of reconciling, though. Not after our talk last night. We will continue to live together and be a family for now. We still care for each other very much. He is still my best friend.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How bad WHAT is, exactly?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Sorry for being unclear-I'm not feeling very eloquent today. 
How bad our situation is. How unhappy my husband is. How unhappy I am. I have just floated along thinking we'll fix our issues eventually. But he's got a lot of things he has to deal with. He has supported me through a lot and I am a stronger woman for it. But there are things he neglected, and things I neglected, and while I would be willing to see what we can do, he really does not see a future in which we can truly make one another happy. And we both deserve to be happy. Can't-wait-to-spend-time-together happy. And what I have recently realized is that I think he's right. He said even in his first therapy session, he talked through our relationship and at the end, the therapist never took an approach of how to fix it, but rather, how to move forward. 

I'd like to be more hopeful, but I am just not seeing it right now.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I don't think you should separate either -- and I base that off of my own situation, as well as something that I read once that totally rang true to me:

"You know it is over when you can say it, and it no longer makes you sad." 
When I said I wanted a D, this is exactly how I felt. I didn't cry, I was just... gone. Detached. 

If it is more upsetting to you to consider staying together, by all means, separate. My parents divorced the month after I graduated HS - I was also the youngest. Talk about creating a lack of home for me... My parents up and sold the house, and I had to move out and find my own apartment. That first year on your own is really hard - just something to think about. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just offering a unique perspective.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks, Pepper. That is a pretty powerful statement and I will definitely share that with him as something to think about. He cried last night, too. I have to believe that means something. Right now I feel like I just need to have faith in him talking to someone and see where that goes. I know that we will continue to talk-we want things to go well regardless of what happens.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I just hate to see people divorce just because things aren't so great. Not when they haven't used their energy to look up and WORK on solutions first. Not sure if you fall into that category, but there are a LOT of things that couples can do to change their marriage around, even when it's only one of you doing it.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Me too, turnera. Me too.

I'm open to suggestions. I need to find a therapist, and I think I should find one who does relationship counseling, even if I ony do IC. We are not an actively faithful couple, so we have no church options. It sounds like he likes his therapist, so if this person is going to guide him toward our exit strategy, I don't know what else to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read His Needs Her Needs yet? First stop.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I had my first therapy appointment yesterday. I like my therapist, and think she will be a good fit for me. I ended up going to the same clinic my H is at, and she thought that was good. She said it will make it easier to coordinate joint or family sessions as we move forward. 

She liked that I let myself cry.  She said it means I am owning the loss and allowing myself to grieve. She warned me that unexpected emotional bursts will come (and I told her they already have been). She is glad I am making exercise a priority, and encouraged me to take up yoga, so finding a studio I like is my next order of business. 

H asked me how it went, and since he has shared bits from his own visits with me, I shared some, too. Even if it's over, I like that we talk through this part, and I hope it makes things easier when I do reach acceptance. We will always be a part of each other's lives through our children, and I want it to be the best we can make it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Still rooting for you to make it, BTN.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Philat said:


> Still rooting for you to make it, BTN.


Thanks, Philat. Me, too. But for now, I have to start living like we won't. I think it will be healthier for me that way. I'm sure he knows I will be open for working together if he changes his mind, but I have to take care of me right now.


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