# How do I get over it?



## Purple Pinky (Oct 18, 2016)

Last year I had cancer, I think my husband was in denial..

I really don't think my husband could deal with the fact that i was really sick..But why is this? I'm in remission and still being taken to every appointment by my parents..Im slightly annoyed..
I understand he hates crowds..or has an excuse on not to go to things.. 
Ive kept this to myself..but heaven forbid he gets laid up in the hospital or has to sit threw something..
I would not want to go...Why should I...I was hoping to see him peek his head around the corner..but it never happened..In the end i will show up for him..
Are my feelings unreasonable?
Tell me how to not have resentment...or throw this in his face..or just over it.
Thank you


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

You finally find out how much a person cares about you when you really need them.

I do wonder though how much of this you shared with him.

I mean did you ever actually say "You F'en Bas-turd I've got cancer and you can't even take me to one damn appointment what's your problem?"

Not that it will really change anything but at least you can say you tried.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Did you ask him to take you to appointments? If you tried to be "strong" and say you could go yourself, maybe he just let you.

OTOH, if you were in the hospital, he should have spent a lot of time with you unless you specifically told him not to.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

That is absolutely horrible! He should've been there to support you when you needed him most.

All that aside, maybe he found it too difficult and didn't want to face up to it, so thought by avoiding it he wouldn't have to see you suffering.

Have you tried talking to him about it? 

Glad to hear you're in remission.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the rest of the marriage?! Lots of sex and passion?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Purple Pinky said:


> Last year I had cancer, I think my husband was in denial..
> 
> I really don't think my husband could deal with the fact that i was really sick..But why is this? I'm in remission and still being taken to every appointment by my parents..Im slightly annoyed..
> I understand he hates crowds..or has an excuse on not to go to things..
> ...


I had a dire medical catastrophe. My odds of survival were bad. I had to wait a year to find out if I would live. I was in my thirties.

My husband of a decade didn't give a ****!. There is no other way to put it.

There was no getting over his betrayal. Really, it showed me that he wasn't my love, my partner. I tried couples counseling, then when it was clear he had no remorse about his lack of care, individual counseling. I ended up divorcing. Yes, it was something worth divorcing over.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't know, maybe you don't. He sounds like a beta, no offense.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Purple Pinky said:


> Last year I had cancer, I think my husband was in denial..
> 
> I really don't think my husband could deal with the fact that i was really sick..But why is this? I'm in remission and still being taken to every appointment by my parents..Im slightly annoyed..
> I understand he hates crowds..or has an excuse on not to go to things..
> ...


Congrats on being in remission! 

Some people are extremely uncomfortable with the thought of someone being sick. He might be terrified of losing you and doesn't want to let himself think of it. He might be afraid of the hospital. He might not be the caring guy you thought he was. We really don't know why he has acted the way he has. Have you tried talking to him about it? That is the only way you will get answers. I would highly recommend couples counseling to talk through it all.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Purple Pinky said:


> Last year I had cancer, I think my husband was in denial..
> 
> I really don't think my husband could deal with the fact that i was really sick..But why is this? I'm in remission and still being taken to every appointment by my parents..Im slightly annoyed..
> I understand he hates crowds..or has an excuse on not to go to things..
> ...


I can relate... several years ago I was diagnosed with Lupus and my H's initial reaction, was "Great, so I'm going to have to take care of you?" I was SO hurt. I'm doing well,with occasional flares, but H has never taken the time to understand what I have and does not come to doctor appointments or anything like that. It still hurts, but I don't expect him to change. It's who he is.

Fast forward a few years, and now H is battling stage 4 colon cancer. I have been there every step of the way for him... gone to every chemo appointment, stayed with him in the hospital, cared for him at home. That's who I am.

Some days I'm resentful, other days not. I don't think it's possible to forget the hurt, but if you can accept that he won't change, that helps. Then you just have to decide if that's something you want or not.

I'm glad you are doing well.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

All the "I love you's" and other declarations of eternal love mean absolutely nothing if he can't be there for you during times of sickness. I believe in marriage but I would support divorce over his lack of empathy and care.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

heartbroken50 said:


> I can relate... several years ago I was diagnosed with Lupus and my H's initial reaction, was "Great, so I'm going to have to take care of you?" I was SO hurt. I'm doing well,with occasional flares, but H has never taken the time to understand what I have and does not come to doctor appointments or anything like that. It still hurts, but I don't expect him to change. It's who he is.
> 
> Fast forward a few years, and now H is battling stage 4 colon cancer. I have been there every step of the way for him... gone to every chemo appointment, stayed with him in the hospital, cared for him at home. That's who I am.
> 
> ...


HB, I'm so sorry you have such a ****** husband. That's my opinion; you don't have to agree with it. Maybe now he can start to grow the hell up. Or maybe not. Who am I kidding. If he's back to good health and yours decline, expect his selfish side to resurface. I hope he comes here and reads this post of mine.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> Congrats on being in remission!
> 
> Some people are extremely uncomfortable with the thought of someone being sick. He might be terrified of losing you and doesn't want to let himself think of it. He might be afraid of the hospital. He might not be the caring guy you thought he was. We really don't know why he has acted the way he has. Have you tried talking to him about it? That is the only way you will get answers. I would highly recommend couples counseling to talk through it all.


IDGAF how uncomfortable with illness, how afraid of the hospital, etc. a spouse is, their job is to suck it up and be there.



becareful2 said:


> HB, I'm so sorry you have such a ****** husband. That's my opinion; you don't have to agree with it. Maybe now he can start to grow the hell up. Or maybe not. Who am I kidding. If he's back to good health and yours decline, expect his selfish side to resurface. I hope he comes here and reads this post of mine.


You should read her thread.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> You should read her thread.


Why? Has the stars aligned and he's had an epiphany?


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I don't know, maybe you don't. He sounds like a beta, no offense.


Nah, he sounds like a selfish jerk.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Nah, he sounds like a selfish jerk.


My point as a man and a husband is one my primary roles is to be strong for my wife.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

heartbroken50 said:


> I can relate... several years ago I was diagnosed with Lupus and my H's initial reaction, was "Great, so I'm going to have to take care of you?" I was SO hurt. I'm doing well,with occasional flares, but H has never taken the time to understand what I have and does not come to doctor appointments or anything like that. It still hurts, but I don't expect him to change. It's who he is.
> 
> Fast forward a few years, and now H is battling stage 4 colon cancer. I have been there every step of the way for him... gone to every chemo appointment, stayed with him in the hospital, cared for him at home. That's who I am.
> 
> ...



I guess looking back, without the love goggles, there were signs about his character flaws. In case of OP, she will have to question if she can count on him when she needs him and does she really want to invest and be there for someone whom has already let her fallen. There is interesting research to show that the immune system and pain is decreased when one feels nurtured by a partner.


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## Alli3fire (Oct 23, 2016)

I had cancer 8 years ago and my husband was there every step of the way. I can't imagine if the one person who is supposed to be there for you through these worst times...isn't. It would crush me on so many levels. I wouldn't want to be with that person as my life partner.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Purple Pinky said:


> Last year I had cancer, I think my husband was in denial..
> 
> I really don't think my husband could deal with the fact that i was really sick..But why is this? I'm in remission and still being taken to every appointment by my parents..Im slightly annoyed..
> I understand he hates crowds..or has an excuse on not to go to things..
> ...


*You have every right to feel "dissed!"

He is either a jerkish lout for treating you that way or he is just grossly immature!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

"In sickness and in health".

Honestly, if this happened to me, I'd be divorcing as soon as I could.

Now, I KNOW my wife wouldn't do this to me, so I don't have to worry about it. But if I had a partner who did - no way, forget it.

If ever there was a sure-fire way to indicate how one feels about you, this would be it.

There's a major terminal illness in my family right now. I've seen first hand people step up and also people disappear. It's heartwarming to see those who care want to help, and it's sickening to see the reverse. In times like this, you really get a good idea of who genuinely cares and who doesn't. But to have a spouse do this? GTFO.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

heartbroken50 said:


> I can relate... several years ago I was diagnosed with Lupus and my H's initial reaction, was "Great, so I'm going to have to take care of you?" I was SO hurt. I'm doing well,with occasional flares, but H has never taken the time to understand what I have and does not come to doctor appointments or anything like that. It still hurts, but I don't expect him to change. It's who he is.
> 
> Fast forward a few years, and now H is battling stage 4 colon cancer. I have been there every step of the way for him... gone to every chemo appointment, stayed with him in the hospital, cared for him at home. That's who I am.
> 
> ...


Seriously?? I had NO IDEA! Omg I would have divorced over that, that is totally sh!tty, HB. That was a red flag of things to come, sadly.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

This is what marriage is FOR. To be with that person when they are in a time of need. And to share the happy, healthy times too.

Purple, we all get sick more often towards the end of life. You have seen a preview of what to expect during your latter years.

Is that acceptable to you?


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