# problems with husband after baby



## OsMum

Hi all, my first post. I just need somewhere to talk and get an opinion on what to do because i'm out of ideas...
My husband and I have a 7 month old baby, hes never really been interested in helping me out with her. He works during the day while i stay at home and take care of lo. when he comes home he doesn't even change his work clothes before he gets on the computer and starts playing games. it seems like ever since we had her hes had no interest in me, and no real interest in the baby unless he feels like it then he'll play with her. sometimes i have to cook dinner while i have lo in the sling because i can't always get him to help with her while i'm trying to cook. he will just leave her crying and sigh like we are such a big inconvenience to his gaming life and i will feel bad and pick her up. sometimes when i try to talk to him he won't even look from up from the computer to talk to me. i've tried talking to him about our issues and he never really talks back... i tell him that i know neither of us are happy and i want him to tell me what i need to do to make him happy because i want us to be happy and i get no response or an 'i dont know'. i've told him what i want from him and nothing seems to change. we only have one car so he is the only human contact i've had for a while since its been winter and rainy and i can't walk anywhere... how do i get him to talk to me? i thought having a baby would make us closer but it seems like we just keep getting further and further apart. we've barely had any sex since we've had lo and i feel so lonely and unwanted... our relationship was so good before we had our baby but things have changed so much since then... it seems like the only time i really get any attention is when we fight.. do things get easier as children get older or is this the way its going to be from now on? i've seriously thought about leaving him but i dont want to take lo from him because he can be a good father when he wants to be and i dont want to leave when something could change later for the better. any suggestions on what i can do would be great.


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## that_girl

Make him be a dad. Give him the baby when you need to and don't listen to him protest. If she cries, don't run in and rescue her (or him). Let him be a dad. He wil figure it out.

He will try to manipulate you to think he doesn't know what to do....he DOES know what to do with the baby and will figure it out. let him parent her how he can.

I did this with my husband from day one. Not with attitude, but with the feeling that he is the dad, i am the mom. He is a parent. he doesn't "babysit". He fathers his child.

He may not do it how you want him to and that's ok. Just give him the baby and go make dinner, take a shower, etc. Make him be a dad.

It will be rough in the beginning but he'll get more confidence and it will be ok.


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## OsMum

i just wish he would want to help take care of her and not make it seem like some sort of punishment. and how do i get him to talk to me about what hes feeling? i know guys dont like to talk about feelings but i can't help him with whatever hes going through when he won't tell me anything...


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## turnera

He's treating you this way because you ALLOW it. You have taught him how to treat you. It's common for women to do what you're doing, but it is NOT the right way to be.

Stop asking what YOU can do to make HIM happy. Tell him what you NEED. He got you pregnant - he now has a responsibility as a father and husband. HAND him the baby and leave the room, take care of something else or go for a walk or take a bath. 

If you stay at home, you have an obligation to clean and cook and care for her, but aside from that HE is just as responsible for her as you are. 

The biggest issue I see is that you allow him to replace you with a computer. Tell him that you know it's escape for him but all night long is not fair, and you cannot stay in a marriage where he continues to do this. Let him think about what life will be like if you leave with the baby, and he has to pay half his salary to keep you and baby in a new home. 

That said, also remember that men are just boys. He pursued you because you were fun. Now you're a mother. Not fun. You have to find ways to spend time together as man and woman, so that he still sees you as something GOOD - not just nagging and expecting him to do stuff. Find a good balance.


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## turnera

He also may be afraid. Giving him time with the baby may help him realize he can handle this. Reassuring him that he's doing a great job providing for you two will relieve his stress. Talking about the good times ahead where he is a participant in fun times will help him see this isn't a death sentence.


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