# My wife hates my children



## justlittleolme

Hi...things have become ugly. My wife insists my children are horrible. She demands that they not be around her, refuses to be in the same car or same room and blames them for the horrible atmosphere in the home. They are both under 10 and seem to be respectful in general with occasional bouts of childish behavior. 

Years ago they both exhibited behavior that was not acceptable. This was dealt with and we work on it DAILY. I communicate with them about issues related to respect and family cooperation. I have removed them from the interaction with the rest of the family. But I do NOT feel that their behavior warrants the way she treats them. A tantrum years ago by one child and the other being disrespectful to her older child has been held against them and ME ever since. NO matter what I do or how often I remind them of how to be a respectful part of the family and how they should work to become better humans with kindness and cooperation...the changes for the better are never acknowledged by my wife. 

My kids HAVE been difficult when they were younger...they do exhibit negative behaviors that their birth mom has inherent to her personality and family history. That being said...I have educated and discussed how those behaviors(mom's) will become negative traits for the kids if we don't work on it together. We talk all the time...I remind them daily and they seem to attach to the theories and the reasoning behind WHY they need to change. They appear to adhere to the logic behind the problems. 

NOW...they also see that my wife is ignoring them. They ask what they did to make her mad. They try to connect with her and cooperate with the house and interact with her children. They seem to understand that peace in the home is a priority to both my wife and myself. They are continually confused that when they act as I have asked them to (cooperative, kind, helpful etc) they get no positive response from her. I ask that they treat others the way they want to be treated. I feel like there has been a significant success in the right direction. My wife insists their existence only destroys our home environment. 

She insists they are not welcome in our home and avoids them at every opportunity. She won't be in the same car, won't share meals or even sit in the same room. 

She blames me for my lack of control as a father and insists I am steamrolled by them while I put them and their needs before hers. I feel liike I give her lots of attention and express love and appreciation. She refuses to acknowledge my efforts. But then says they have improved but it's just not enough nor will it be enough because they are "just like their ***** mother". 

It seems like my efforts keep falling on deaf and unappreciative ears. I don't know how to make her happy. She insists they cannot be in our home. I cannot, nor do I want to stop being a dad. They ARE good kids and are getting better. IF it's not one thing...it's another. 

When they are around...my wife and I don't even speak. And she is ok with that. I don't insist she LOVE them...but I do expect she be kind and treat them with some degree of respect...at least treat them like she would treat ANY other child, in the neighborhood, at church, at family functions...but she refuses.

She keeps pointing out how unhappy she is and that it's because of them when they are around and because of me when they aren't. I'm trying to figure out a solution. But am having what seems to be an impossible time. 

I've read book after book, gone to counseling. She refuses to read due to lack of time. She went to a therapist with me to a couple of meetings and then blew up at the cadence and conversation. 

Now she insists she cannot put up with me and is done. Her Anxious and Avoidant style gives me some element of hope but also suggests she will continue the anger and aggressive behavior with me.

Thoughts on how to keep my kids in my life and keep her in my life?

#mywifehatesmykids,#avoidantattachmentstyle,#anxiousattachmentstyle


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## sunsetmist

If I could tell you how to keep your kids and your wife, I'd write a book and retire on my earnings. I was thinking therapy, but she refuses. 

How long have you been married? Ages? Sounds like she wants you to abandon your kids and that, to me, is unconscionable. 

Something is missing from this story.


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## MattMatt

Is it her or is it them?


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## Cynthia

Your wife obviously doesn't want peace in the home. By ignoring your children, she is mistreating them. That is not peaceful behavior.

This is terrible that you are allowing your children to be treated this way. I'm not saying to put them above your wife. I am saying that they ought to have a place in the family just like everyone else and it doesn't look that that's how it is.

I'm not saying that you can make your wife behave properly. What I am saying is that you have to do something to protect your children as your wife obviously doesn't have their best interests at heart and it is your personal responsibility to make sure their needs are met. They need you. Step up and set some boundaries. Go to therapy by yourself to get some help in dealing with this appropriately.


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## VibrantWings

Choose the kids. Your wife is jealous and self centered to act this way toward babies. 

Your kids are worth it. She is not.


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## Openminded

You aren't likely to fix that problem. 

When the choice comes, and it likely will, choose your children.


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## SongoftheSouth

Lose the wife, keep the kids.


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## WorkingWife

justlittleolme said:


> She keeps pointing out how unhappy she is and that it's because of them when they are around and because of me when they aren't. ...
> 
> Thoughts on how to keep my kids in my life and keep her in my life?


You want to keep this woman in your life ...why?

Think about the damage this crazy lady is doing to your children. Even if they were the worst behaved kids on earth, they're CHILDREN. Your wife can't control her emotions and behavior as an adult but expects them to be perfect? 

Your children only get one childhood, and it sounds like they already have the deck stacked against them with their mom. They need your attention and guidance, support and approval NOW. *There will always be another woman out there somewhere who is willing to make your life a living hell. Let this one go.*


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## Rubix Cubed

She needs to be curb bound, pronto.


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## Cynthia

Do not underestimate the amount of damage this is doing to your children's thinking. They are being rejected by your wife and you are not getting them out of the situation. It is your responsibility to protect your children from people who would harm them. It is your wife who is harming them, but that doesn't mean you aren't responsible for protecting them from her. Her place as your wife does not give her license to mistreat your children. Your children are learning from this experience and they are forming ideas and behaviors from this that they will take with them into adulthood.

As parents, it is our job to make sure our children make it into adulthood as healthy as possible. The very fact that you would say your wife wants peace shows me that you have some dysfunctional ideas, because I don't think I'm the only one here who recognizes that is a false statement and your wife is behaving extremely badly towards children. This has to stop one way or another or your children will suffer deep damage.


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## frusdil

Second wife and stepmum here. I am absolutely horrified at your wife's behaviour! She is a grown adult, your children are under 10 years old. Wtf is wrong with her?

I have no doubt that your children likely did act out and were disrespectful for a while - they were young children trying to find their way when the bottom fell out of their world when their parents split up. Imagine being in a situation which blows your world apart and yet you have absolutely no say or control over any of it. Then parents meet someone new and bring them into the mix, while you're still grieving the loss of your family. That would absolutely suck. Put yourself in their shoes.

Poor little loves  Your wife needs a serious reality check or to get the hell out of their lives.


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## Bluesclues

WorkingWife said:


> justlittleolme said:
> 
> 
> 
> She keeps pointing out how unhappy she is and that it's because of them when they are around and because of me when they aren't. ...
> 
> Thoughts on how to keep my kids in my life and keep her in my life?
> 
> 
> 
> You want to keep this woman in your life ...why?
> 
> Think about the damage this crazy lady is doing to your children. Even if they were the worst behaved kids on earth, they're CHILDREN. Your wife can't control her emotions and behavior as an adult but expects them to be perfect?
> 
> Your children only get one childhood, and it sounds like they already have the deck stacked against them with their mom. They need your attention and guidance, support and approval NOW. *There will always be another woman out there somewhere who is willing to make your life a living hell. Let this one go.*
Click to expand...

Once again WW says it best. 

I would add that a woman who has no maternal instinct towards children not her own needs to be kicked to the curb. We have had more drama in our family than I care to think about and every woman - me, grandparents, stepmom, bs - is so loving to all the kids involved it is making me tear up right now thinking about it. I was the OW in my husband’s marriage - his ex wife should hate me and my “spawn” - she definitely hates me -and yet she hugs them when they run up and hug her, because they think of her as family since she is their step-siblings mom. If I can find that many good moms in one scenario you can fine at least one for yours.


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## Mr.Married

Maybe she fails to recognize it is some of her own bad behavior causing the issues. I do not believe you will solve this and the resentment will catch up soon and finish destroying everything. Best to cut your losses now.


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## She'sStillGotIt

You're actually adding freakin' hash tags to your post?

You're the blood parent so naturally, _your_ opinion of your kids' behavior is going to be biased and you're going to paint a much kinder and gentler picture than what the likely *reality* of the situation actually IS at your home.

And you're contradicting the hell out of yourself. One minute you're claiming their bad behavior was in the *past* and now everything is A-OK, but then you contradict yourself and claim that you have to remind your kids every day how to be better world citizens because they're apparently still engaging in unacceptable behavior that apparently they learned at their mother's knee. And I'm also guessing your wife probably had to go through a ton of horse-**** to get to the state she's AT. I highly doubt she's 'jealous' as was suggested. I simply think she's DONE.

Done with you and done with your kids. It happens.

Have the good grace to let her go.


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## farsidejunky

Even if your kids are actually jerks, they don't deserve to be treated this way.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Spicy

She should try out for a Disney movie.
They are always looking for the role of Evil Stepmother.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

She thinks they exhibit bad behavior, ok I get that. But instead of sitting down with you and working out a plan to parent them more effectively and set boundaries and you know parent, her response is to ignore them, shut herself in a room or just have you throw them out on their ear? Is this woman clinical or just a self entitled twat?


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## MrsAldi

justlittleolme said:


> Thoughts on how to keep my kids in my life and keep her in my life?
> 
> #mywifehatesmykids,#avoidantattachmentstyle,#anxiousattachmentstyle[/QUOTE ]
> 
> Those poor children.
> 
> #wontsomebodypleasethinkofthechildren
> #leaveheralready


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## 3Xnocharm

How can you have any loving feelings towards a person who treats your children this way? I find it repugnant. She knew how your children behaved well before ever marrying you, and if it was an issue, the marriage should not have happened. I am not saying your kids are perfect angels, but they are supposed to be YOUR priority and their well being should come before yours or anyone else's. Your wife sounds like a real ***** with a capital B.


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## Yeswecan

Your W needs counseling. If she refused. Pull the plug on this marriage.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Just a thought.....You children, offspring, future, legacy are an extension of you. She is treating YOU this way....


Just a thought. As for getting into some engagement from her. Try talking about her "wants" and "future" that she sees. Try the ole' end around the middle trick.

I would like to hear from her mouth, what she sees as the fly in the ointment in this relationship....


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## justlittleolme

sunsetmist said:


> If I could tell you how to keep your kids and your wife, I'd write a book and retire on my earnings. I was thinking therapy, but she refuses.
> 
> How long have you been married? Ages? Sounds like she wants you to abandon your kids and that, to me, is unconscionable.
> 
> Something is missing from this story.


Something missing?? I agree. But not sure what it is. 
It's been suggested to look at the possibility of her having met someone else.
It's been suggested to look at a personality disorder. 
Neither of these is ideal or something I can introduce as a reasonable option for her to address.


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## justlittleolme

She argues in circles and instead of giving answers or suggesting solutions she just says removal is the only way. Justifies her behavior as reasonable because "her kids don't act that way" and blames me for a lack of parenting ability because I do it differently.


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## justlittleolme

They seem to like her. They've commented on how she CAN be nice and they like being a family. She cannot stand their behavior and insists it is the root of her anxiety. Even though they are not here all the time and even when they are she keeps her distance and they too are acting independently either by interacting with friends outside or activities in their rooms. They DO ask fairly regularly what they have done and why she's always so mad.


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## Openminded

It doesn't matter what she says. You're their father and you need to act on n their best interest. If that means divorcing her then do it.


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## justlittleolme

Thank you for your input. Therapy has helped me personally and given me tools to cope but so far the theory of two to tango has been pretty true for this situation. She refuses to go...therapist says shes likely scared of the issues she'll be required to address.


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## WorkingWife

justlittleolme said:


> They seem to like her. They've commented on how she CAN be nice and they like being a family. She cannot stand their behavior and insists it is the root of her anxiety. Even though they are not here all the time and even when they are she keeps her distance and they too are acting independently either by interacting with friends outside or activities in their rooms. They DO ask fairly regularly what they have done and why she's always so mad.


Previously you said they had bad behavior due to the influence of their birth mom, but it is greatly, if not completely, improved now.

When your wife says she can't stand their behavior, what specific behavior do they do, currently, that she complains about? What exactly is she talking about? Can you give an example?

I have been a step mother and I LOVED my step kids, but there is a very difficult dynamic when you are a step parent. In the normal order of things, the husband and wife are #1 to each other, then the children come, and they handle them as a team. When you are a step parent, the children come first to the birth parent and THEN you come into play. You are a third wheel in your own marriage from the word go. 

Add to that the fact that the birth parent usually feels guilt - for the divorce, in your case, for who/how the birth mother is so they tend to go easy on the kids acting out. And then, there's the territorialness -- these are YOUR kids, now some other person comes along who has different standards for behavior, or who the kids are obnoxious to, and the birth parent ignores and allows the kids to be rude and obnoxious to the step parent because it's just easier and they don't know what else to do.

Message to step parent -- you're not my number 1 and you have NO say in how I handle this situation.

SO it's not unusual for there to be natural tension in blended families. HOWEVER the way you describe your wife is like she's a major head case who won't let go of incidents that happened long ago, has no maternal instinct, or even basic human kindness AT ALL, doesn't care about your children or your relationship with them. (She sounds like she has a personality disorder to me!)

Why did she marry you in the first place if she couldn't stand your kids? Is this hatred of hers a new thing? If so, why? What are they doing NOW?


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## justlittleolme

Bluesclues said:


> Once again WW says it best.
> 
> I would add that a woman who has no maternal instinct towards children not her own needs to be kicked to the curb. We have had more drama in our family than I care to think about and every woman - me, grandparents, stepmom, bs - is so loving to all the kids involved it is making me tear up right now thinking about it. I was the OW in my husband’s marriage - his ex wife should hate me and my “spawn” - she definitely hates me -and yet she hugs them when they run up and hug her, because they think of her as family since she is their step-siblings mom. If I can find that many good moms in one scenario you can fine at least one for yours.


thank you for your response....I'm teary!


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## justlittleolme

I hate this- but when pressed for reasons why she is still carrying such hate she refers to past episodes, that were at the time ridiculous tantrums and not fun to be involved with but that occurred over two years ago and hasn't happened since. She admits that they HAVE improved but still insists she cannot stand them in HER space...around HER kids...disrupting HER life.


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## justlittleolme

WorkingWife said:


> Previously you said they had bad behavior due to the influence of their birth mom, but it is greatly, if not completely, improved now.
> 
> When your wife says she can't stand their behavior, what specific behavior do they do, currently, that she complains about? What exactly is she talking about? Can you give an example?
> 
> 
> Example: when pressed for reasons why she is still carrying such hate she refers to past episodes, that were at the time ridiculous tantrums and not fun to be involved with but that occurred over two years ago and hasn't happened since. She admits that they HAVE improved but still insists she cannot stand them in HER space...around HER kids...disrupting HER life.


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## Blondilocks

justlittleolme said:


> I hate this- but when pressed for reasons why she is still carrying such hate she refers to past episodes, that were at the time ridiculous tantrums and not fun to be involved with but that occurred over two years ago and hasn't happened since. She admits that they HAVE improved but still insists she cannot stand them in HER space...around HER kids...disrupting HER life.


Remind your wife that the behavior was two years ago for her; but, a lifetime ago for your children. Ask her if she will appreciate being held to account for her current behavior 10-15 years from now and treated like crap on the bottom of your shoe because of that old behavior.

She needs some perspective. And a heart. And a divorce.

She can only hope that her next husband will find her children to be the perfect little darlings she believes them to be.


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## WorkingWife

justlittleolme said:


> Example: when pressed for reasons why she is still carrying such hate she refers to past episodes, that were at the time ridiculous tantrums and not fun to be involved with but that occurred over two years ago and hasn't happened since. She admits that they HAVE improved but still insists she cannot stand them in HER space...around HER kids...disrupting HER life.


That is SO confusing. If she can't clearly describe ONE current behavior. Or one example of how you interact with/discipline them, and she won't consider MC, then you are right - she just hates your children. That is so heartbreaking for your kids, especially considering you said they like her and want to be a family with her. 

But I don't understand why you want to save the marriage? How could you and your kids possibly be happy with a woman in your life who hates your children? Children who obviously need you and your guidance even more than most. Is she unreasonable in other areas too? Either you're not disclosing everything or she must have some serious emotional issues.

You don't need to keep your kids away from her, you need to keep her away from your kids.


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## WorkingWife

justlittleolme said:


> Something missing?? I agree. But not sure what it is.
> *It's been suggested to look at the possibility of her having met someone else.*
> It's been suggested to look at a personality disorder.
> Neither of these is ideal or something I can introduce as a reasonable option for her to address.


Having met someone else would explain why all the sudden she's using behavior from 2 years ago to throw down an ultimatum you can't possibly comply with today.

Having a personality disorder is pretty much a given at this point.


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## Openminded

There are women who just can't deal with someone else's children. Not everyone is suited to be a stepmom and everything that goes with that. How your children are treated should be your top priority. Childhood is short but memories last forever.


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## Bibi1031

So how long have you been married to your wife? 

Do you have any children together?



Quite frankly, this is a no brainier. If you don't have any children with this woman, file for divorce and set her free of you and your awful kids. Your kids are not awful by the way. Your wife is a witch. Do set the witch free please.

If you do have kids with this woman, fight for the most custody you can legally get for your kids and divorce the witch.


You are the only one staying in this hell of a relationship. She is a witch you must ditch! Capeesh?


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## 98nightrider

I kinda know what your dealing with. I have two 13 and 15. My husband has a 17 and 8 year old. The older son doesn't come around and I get zero respect from the younger child. He only speaks to his dad. I try to talk to the younger one and make conversation and joke around with him, but he wants nothing to do with it. There have been at least 3 incidences were the child has told me he didn't like me and he felt like he didn't need to listen to me. This has continued for a very long time no matter how much I talk to my husband about it. I help him with projects and homework and he is treated like my own kids although he doesn't feel like he should listen to me. My husband doesn't always apply the same rule. His child is treated differently than mine, and because mine are older they see it and have begun to rebel against my husband when it comes to certain things, they are slowly losing respect for him. 

This will never stop. Your wife will never change and she will never treat them like your own. Put your kids first, because you not standing up for them will always be remembered.


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## justlittleolme

Bibi1031 said:


> So how long have you been married to your wife?
> 
> Do you have any children together?
> 
> 
> 
> Quite frankly, this is a no brainier. If you don't have any children with this woman, file for divorce and set her free of you and your awful kids. Your kids are not awful by the way. Your wife is a witch. Do set the witch free please.
> 
> If you do have kids with this woman, fight for the most custody you can legally get for your kids and divorce the witch.
> 
> 
> You are the only one staying in this hell of a relationship. She is a witch you must ditch! Capeesh?


No...no children together. She was interested in that but I had a vasectomy before we were married...which she agreed with and even participated in. Divorce is an ugly word and uglier process but change is not one sided and I have come to understand that.


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## justlittleolme

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're actually adding freakin' hash tags to your post?
> 
> You're the blood parent so naturally, _your_ opinion of your kids' behavior is going to be biased and you're going to paint a much kinder and gentler picture than what the likely *reality* of the situation actually IS at your home.
> 
> And you're contradicting the hell out of yourself. One minute you're claiming their bad behavior was in the *past* and now everything is A-OK, but then you contradict yourself and claim that you have to remind your kids every day how to be better world citizens because they're apparently still engaging in unacceptable behavior that apparently they learned at their mother's knee. And I'm also guessing your wife probably had to go through a ton of horse-**** to get to the state she's AT. I highly doubt she's 'jealous' as was suggested. I simply think she's DONE.
> 
> Done with you and done with your kids. It happens.
> 
> Have the good grace to let her go.


I see why you view some of this as contradictive. There is definitely HUGE gaps in the story and context is key for true clarity. The kids ARE or at least have been a challenge. I believe it's partially because they are kids, and they make mistakes like kids will do, but they need to learn how to be adults...trial and error together with an explanation of the WHYS of right and wrong. I remind them constantly that the rules of THIS home are different than that of their mothers home...and we need to make every reasonable attempt to be kind and get along with each other first (the two of them negotiating their needs instead of insisting on their way, for example) and then take the household feelings into consideration. I remind them constantly because I feel the message of kindness and cooperation needs to be consistent...not just in response to cases of bad behavior(s).

Did she struggle? YES...I believe she did and the struggle was real for a time in the beginning. She just not willing to move on, recognize that was a historical event and engage with hope for better days and encouragment at better behavior. She admits there IS improvement but says she is still miserable.


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## Cynthia

Your kids are attached to your wife, because she is your wife. They want the family to work because all kids want their families to work. They want to be happy and are hoping that this will turn out well. They need your wife's approval and acceptance in order to be healthy and to grow up as well functioning adults. 

There is nothing your children can do about this and they likely will try and try to fix it, but they will not succeed, because it's not their fault. They will believe something is wrong with them and that they are at fault, even though that is clearly not true. They will form opinions and values based on the way they are treated by the significant adults in their lives.


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## MEM2020

Are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs?

Turns out that creates a reciprocal hierarchy of responsibilities for a parent. Your primary roles are to provide a physically and emotionally safe and realistic environment for your children. 

Realistic means teaching them cause and effect in an age appropriate manner. What you are teaching them - is that this woman is more important than they are. And they may remember that when you are old and infirm and their spouses are telling them that you are annoying and need to be put in a cheap nursing home. 




justlittleolme said:


> I see why you view some of this as contradictive. There is definitely HUGE gaps in the story and context is key for true clarity. The kids ARE or at least have been a challenge. I believe it's partially because they are kids, and they make mistakes like kids will do, but they need to learn how to be adults...trial and error together with an explanation of the WHYS of right and wrong. I remind them constantly that the rules of THIS home are different than that of their mothers home...and we need to make every reasonable attempt to be kind and get along with each other first (the two of them negotiating their needs instead of insisting on their way, for example) and then take the household feelings into consideration. I remind them constantly because I feel the message of kindness and cooperation needs to be consistent...not just in response to cases of bad behavior(s).
> 
> Did she struggle? YES...I believe she did and the struggle was real for a time in the beginning. She just not willing to move on, recognize that was a historical event and engage with hope for better days and encouragment at better behavior. She admits there IS improvement but says she is still miserable.


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## nekonamida

justlittleolme said:


> No...no children together. She was interested in that but I had a vasectomy before we were married...which she agreed with and even participated in. Divorce is an ugly word and uglier process but change is not one sided and I have come to understand that.


Yes but you must also accept that this isn't the woman you married. You didn't marry a childish, selfish woman who hates your kids for being children. Sure, they may have not been the best behaved kids when they were littler but they weren't the spawns of Satan either. And they have more than made up for their brattiness by being very good kids for years.

You have to put aside the notion that you are dealing with the kind, compassionate wife you thought you had and see her as the mean spirited and irrational woman she is today. You can't reason with her because she doesn't care. Her mind is made up, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, and you cannot change it. You can't wallow and beg for her to come back to you because she doesn't want to. Her blaming you and the kids isn't a reality. It's an excuse because she doesn't want to be with you anymore and she wants it to be everyone else's fault.

Your best bet is to accept this and plan accordingly. If you don't, she will. If you don't detach, see a lawyer, and start treating this like a divorce, she will do it for you and drag you kicking and screaming along. If you step up and stand up for yourself now by making it clear that her behavior will not be tolerated, there is a chance that she will step back and wonder what the hell she is doing and whether or not she actually does want this divorce. She might decide to work it out and be open to hearing how wrong she is and how terrible she's been to your kids. But if you continue to beg, push, and carry on like you are, she will want no part of it and will leave you.

As counter intuitive as it sounds, some chance is better than no chance. Desperation is extremely unattractive especially to someone who already shows you contempt. You have to take your power back and make choices from a point of strength, not weakness and codependency, for her to take notice and think twice. 

Get a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. If you can get access to her phone, email, social media, then do it and look for evidence of an affair. If you pay the phone bill, get copies of the statements with call and text history to check. Plant a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car. See if this change has come about due to someone else but act and plan as if she is walking away of her own accord until you know for sure.


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## Openminded

She wants your children out of "her" house. You can't fix it so that all of you will be one big happy family because she is tired of your children. Beyond tired actually. 

You either choose her and lose your children or you choose your children and lose her.


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## bandit.45

Buy your wife a new broom and tell her to go test fly it above the Grand Canyon.


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