# Is divorce selfish?



## evb12 (Jun 15, 2015)

I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for 7. We have two boys, 11 and 8. 

I want out of this awful marriage. Truth be told, we would not have stayed together if I have not gotten pregnant with our first child. We are poor communicators, and without rehashing our issues, suffice to say we do not have a happy marriage. I have so much resentment built up that I write page after page in a journal about how much I loathe my husband, what a loser he his, and how his touch makes my stomach turn. I hated him the day we got married, but I'd become so accustomed to faking it that it wasn't hard to smile my way through the day. I hoped that it was me who was broken, and that if I faked it long enough, I would feel differently. Now I can't fake it any more. We have not had any sexual contact AT ALL for a couple years, but recently we've stopped even hugging or kissing because he's frustrated at my lack of affection for him. He still loves me and wants the marriage to work. I would rather eat crushed glass than touch him. There are not big blowout fights, just strained conversations and sometimes arguments. 

Many forums and articles on divorce say that no matter how bad the marriage is, it's STILL selfish to divorce, and still better for the children for parents to stay together, even if one or both of them is miserable. Most of these articles recommend marriage counseling and trying to reconnect to why you married the person in the first place. What if you hated the person's guts on your wedding day? What if you have been flipping them off behind their back for a decade? What feeling am I supposed to get back? 

I realize this doesn't paint ME in a very good light. I'm intentionally leaving out any of the sordid details as to why I'm not happy with my husband. I know that all relationships are two-sided, and no matter what stories I can tell about my "loser husband" (and there are lots), I also have a role in why our marriage is broken. 

Given those long-standing feelings, is there any reason NOT to consider divorce? A good friend of mine believes that all parents should just "suck it up" and stay married until their children are grown because it always messes the kids up, no matter how much better off you think they'll be. Help!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Divorce isn't always selfish, no. Better a divorce with peace than a marriage with fighting and hate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Wow, that is a horrible situation. 
But are you rewriting history when you say you hated him on your wedding day? If so, why did you marry him in the first place?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

evb12 said:


> I'm intentionally leaving out any of the sordid details as to why I'm not happy with my husband. I know that all relationships are two-sided, and no matter what stories I can tell about my "loser husband" (and there are lots), I also have a role in why our marriage is broken.


So tell us.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> So tell us.


Kinda interested in hearing it (or reading it, I suppose) myself.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What if you hated the person's guts on your wedding day? 

It tells me that you have some serious personal issues. Unless you were arranged into the marriage or forced at gun point, why would you marry someone you hate? I would suggest before you consider divorce and ruin the lives of four people including your innocent kids, you should go and seek IC or therapy to sort out your issues first. 

You sound like you have many personal demons to deal with. You haven't given enough information but no one marries someone they hate and sticks around for 10 years?

The sordid details as to why you are not happy, maybe an IC can help you with this so you are clearer as to your next move but do not make rash decisions based on your mixed pent up emotions.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Had you had a scintilla of honesty within your human and spiritual core, either prior to or on your wedding day, this marriage would have never taken place! Now you're richly seeing the results and reaping its fruits!

With your children to be left in its wake as the unwitting victims!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

evb12 said:


> IGiven those long-standing feelings, is there any reason NOT to consider divorce? A good friend of mine believes that all parents should just "suck it up" and stay married until their children are grown because it always messes the kids up, no matter how much better off you think they'll be. Help!


No, yes, maybe. A lot of this depends on the motive. If there's not a third person in the picture then maybe it's just not working. If there is a third person however then it's just another POS rationalizing.


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## evb12 (Jun 15, 2015)

technovelist might be somewhat right about "rewriting history" - perhaps I didn't feel the blinding rage towards my husband that I do today, but I felt plenty of anger and resentment. Why did I marry him? We had two small children, and I hoped to work things out to be a family. I had poor self-esteem as an adolescent and young adult, and generally didn't choose partners that treated me with much respect. There is no "third person" in the picture. I have never been unfaithful in any way. My husband is a different story. 

We moved in together when I got pregnant with our first child. Over the course of nearly 12 years living together, I have nearly always been the main breadwinner. I have also shouldered all the childcare, housework, bills and general grown-up stuff. He has been trying to have a career in the music industry in various capacities the entire time I've know him.

When our first child was two and I was pregnant with our second child, he left to tour with a band and chase dreams of being a rockstar. It wasn't his band, he was hired to tour. I supported it, until it became obvious that it wasn't going to amount to anything long-term, and he had dozen of girls posting pictures of their cleavage on his myspace page (this was a long time ago). I worked full-time, cared for our toddler and worked up until the day I had our second child. I had to call him to come home from where he was drinking beer and playing guitar to drive me to the hospital to give birth. 

He missed about half of the first 18 months of his second child's life. He was out "recording" until early morning, often rolling in at 3, 4 or 5am. I went back to work and raced to pick up both children from daycare by the 6pm cutoff. I cried constantly, I hated the inequity in our relationship and I was just miserable. He toured again with the same terrible band. I stayed home while our 3 year old sobbed because he missed his father and dealt with raising an infant alone. He had an affair with a 20-something crew member during this tour. When he returned, rather than bond with his infant son, he dumped the baby with a sitter while he went to meet this bimbo at a bar and drink away the afternoon. When I confronted him with the 300+ text messages send over a month's time, he told me I was making things up. Of course the truth came out later. 

When the band thing petered out, he had blown off any other job prospects (also in the music industry), and he couldn't make more money that our childcare cost, so he miserably stayed home to care for our young children. And I mean miserably. I still did all the cooking, cleaning and bills, and when I walked through the door after work he dumped the kids on me until bedtime. 

Fast forward to the present - he has a job at a studio, but works 60+ hours a week. He is paid under the table (illegally) and owes over 6 years back taxes (I file separately because he refuses). I have been basically the sole breadwinner much of the last several years (one year he made 9k). When I was working full time, I still raced to pick up the kids from school aftercare, get them to sports or whatever activities they have, and get home to make dinner. He is very rarely even home for dinner, he doesn't even always let me know. His job has no real future, he has no plan, we have no savings, nothing. 

I was having extreme anxiety and crippling panic attacks while working outside the home. One day I raced to pick our kids up (they had to be picked up by 6pm from the school's aftercare program). If I was even one minute late, I got a warning, and at this point one more late pickup and they'd be out of the program. I skipped lunch so I could get more work done and ducked out of work when I still had piles of work to do, completely stressed out. I collapsed in the auditorium of my kids' school and had a seizure. I was anemic, my electrolytes were dangerously low, and I was generally an unhealthy mess. My husband was irritated to get a phone call from the school wanting him to come pick me and the kids up. A neighbor took me and the kids home. 

I now work from home. I'm stuck doing the same high stress job, made a little better by working from a home office. It's the highest amount of money I can earn, and we need it, so that's what I do, even though I dislike it. My husband doesn't even mow the stinking lawn, I do. He works 6 days a week, misses most of his children's lives, and is a sour, bitter human being. He doesn't make even close to enough to support his family, so he works all those hours yet I still have to figure out how to work with NO help from him with the kids. t can't stand to look at him or touch him. We sleep in separate rooms. Well, that's in part because he snores unbearably, and refuses to take any steps towards improving his health (like losing some weight, for starters). 

That's a taste of the "sordid details" someone requested.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Did most of your issue become a response to his. It is easy to see why you would now have anger problems, you let him step all over you.

I think his love for you is more of a need for stability than anything else. You are mostly detached, you have built an emotional wall, and by staying with him, you enable his behavior. Those are issues you can own.

Marrying him was a poor choice if you evaluated the situation correctly. By not divorcing him earlier, the situation has gotten worse. Not like he is even a good role model figure.

Anything we want for ourselves is selfish, but being selfish sometimes can also be healthy. Like you wanting to move on, and perhaps find a better partner would be better for you. Your husband would lose his mommy.

It is also selfish for him to want to stay married to you as well. He is greatly benefiting without putting much into being a husband or father. He is allowed to remain an adolescent.

Also divorcing limits the influence he has over the children.

Nurture is highly important to children. If you will be a better person divorced, then it also benefits the children. Your husband's actions is causing your own issues.

Detach and seek help for yourself first. Keep detaching and keep making positive changes. The more detached you are, the less his actions affect you. Well, some of his actions will cause anger no matter what, like being an irresponsible parent. Just lower your expectations and live your life like a single mother.

Find friends and family to babysit, simply do not rely on him. Take him out of the equation as much as possible.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ultimately all divorce is selfish. The question really should be is the selfishness beneficial or detrimental. Almost every leaver would answer that is a beneficial selfishness. Most who are left would answer that it is detrimental (and to them it often is). 
Only you can decide whether your decision is beneficial or detrimental. In the end you must decide - is it worth your life to be unhappy. Because it is your life that you will be wasting. If you suffer(ed) from low self esteem, is that a lesson you want to teach your children? Kids are smart. They can see things that you may not. If you allow yourself to remain in your unhappy marriage, do you not think your boys will learn the lesson that it is okay to treat a woman like you have been treated? Is that a lesson you want them to learn?
Selfishness gets a bum rap in our society, but real selfishness is the ultimate form of self love. I am not talking about the so called selfishness of instant gratification, but the rational self interest that comes from truly loving yourself. If you ever hope to overcome your own issues, you must come to love yourself first.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

"I hated him the day we got married, but I'd become so accustomed to faking it that it wasn't hard to smile my way through the day. I hoped that it was me who was broken, and that if I faked it long enough, I would feel differently."

You perpetuated a fraud through your marriage, and involved 3 other people. So your answer, in my perspective, is yes.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Ultimately all divorce is selfish. The question really should be is the selfishness beneficial or detrimental. Almost every leaver would answer that is a beneficial selfishness. Most who are left would answer that it is detrimental (and to them it often is).
> Only you can decide whether your decision is beneficial or detrimental. In the end you must decide - is it worth your life to be unhappy. Because it is your life that you will be wasting. If you suffer(ed) from low self esteem, is that a lesson you want to teach your children? Kids are smart. They can see things that you may not. If you allow yourself to remain in your unhappy marriage, do you not think your boys will learn the lesson that it is okay to treat a woman like you have been treated? Is that a lesson you want them to learn?
> Selfishness gets a bum rap in our society, but real selfishness is the ultimate form of self love. I am not talking about the so called selfishness of instant gratification, but the rational self interest that comes from truly loving yourself. If you ever hope to overcome your own issues, you must come to love yourself first.


WOW, DUDE this is beautifully written.....DUDE


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If one person isn't happy in a marriage, neither is happy. Even if you "fake it", the other person and children are likely to sense something is wrong.

Divorce - but do your very best to be fair to him. Let the children know that you both still love them and make sure the get to spend lots of time with both of you.

I grew up with parents who didn't love each other. I was to young to know what was wrong, but I knew something was. You aren't doing the kids a favor by staying together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yeah... you should dump the chump.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

What you've described is a HORROR SHOW. An absolute freakin' mess!!

You'd rather EAT CRUSHED GLASS than be touched by your husband???

Do you honestly think it's "selfish" to want out of this hellish life (and lie) you're leading?? (That's a topic for another day.)

Do everyone involved -- yourself, your husband, your sons -- a great big favor and FILE FOR DIVORCE.

Give your poor husband, who admittedly still loves you, a chance to find true love and happiness with a woman who adores him. Not one who's stomach is turning and wants to puke if he tries to touch her.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Nothing constructive to add. Except this:

"No one can take advantage of you without your permission." - Ann Landers

Often misquoted as Eleanor Roosevelt who actually said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

You have set the tone for the marriage. It's been bad for you and the kids. It is to everyone's advantage that you leave. To put up a farce for so long was cruel to him AND yoursef. Go.

(BTW - It can be hard admitting you were the cause of your own unhappiness by choosing this relationship against your inner voice.)


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

I'm not going to admonish you for marrying when you had major misgivings. You already know that wasn't a good choice and at least you were brave enough to admit that your marriage is not working and you want to leave. 

You don't need validation for your choices. You have made a valiant effort for your children but now it is time to show them that there's no reason to stay in a very unhappy marriage. Your kids likely already know that their parents are not happily married. 

Sometimes being selfish is the best course of action. Your husband has been a selfish adolescent so why can't you set limits and boundaries?

I do not work outside the home due to medical challenges. My husband does not come home to a dirty place and no dinner on the table unless I am very ill. We both believe that whomever is not working outside the home needs to do housework, make appointments and research any activities we are participating in such as vacation spots or ski resorts. There is no reason why you should be the breadwinner and still have to worry about housework. Your husband has not been pulling his weight as a partner and a parent. You don't deserve to be married to a leech.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Of course, divorce is selfish. Everything we do in life, or pretty much everything, is selfishly motivated. Put another way, if it seems good for us, we'll consider it.

You get married for selfish reasons. You have children for selfish reasons. You have a particular job for selfish reasons (okay that one isn't always true) but you get the idea.

We're all self centered and self focused, admittedly some more than others, and a more self-less life is considered the most satisfying and should be the goal. Having said that, we're also all flawed human beings who make mistakes. It seems like you made one when you married your husband.

Try this exercise: - try to love him and act accordingly. You see, love is a choice and if we change our attitudes and actions about something, usually our emotions will follow. Give it some real time, say 6 months, and see if that doesn't change how you feel about him. If not, then divorce knowing that you did all you could.


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