# Emotionally abused and stuck in a bad situation



## Moriah (Feb 4, 2016)

This is my first time here. My husband of 11 years and I are in the worst place we have ever been. There has been an escalating cycle of emotional abuse fueled by his anger and depression. It is clear we need to separate but he was fired last June and I am a stay at home mom with a 7 year old daughter. His unemployment just ran out and he is looking for a job, but the mess between us has paralyzed us. We have enough money to make it another 2 months then who knows? So we find ourselves in the middle of the worst fighting ever, to the point where he screams horrible things at me repeatedly and we can't even speak to each other at all. We have gone through this cycle before, usually lasting a few weeks with little to no communication, slamming doors, sleeping apart...then after a point we spend hours in intense arguments ultimately resulting in him breaking down and then we have intense passion for a few days with lots of loving gestures and words but this wanes quickly and then we exist for a while longer before he is triggered again and it stats over and gets worse. I am filled with anxiety and fear. While I feel the real problem lies within him, I take responsibility for my own inappropriate reactions and things I have done, but I do not deserve to be treated this way. 
So now we clearly need to separate but he won't leave the house, we can't afford 2 residences, I have no where to go and need to keep my daughter with me. If there was a way, I would love to have things work out between us, but I think it has gone too far. He refuses councelling and blames me for his depression. I feel I can only scrape the surface of our issues here, but I'm looking for some support. I had my first session with a therapist this week, but I won't see her again until the end of next week and I need help now.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Can your child be put into school, so that you can look for a job as well?


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## Moriah (Feb 4, 2016)

She is in second grade, I can look for part time work, interestingly he was screaming at me the other night when I said I was going to look for work because somehow it wasn't part of our plan...well none of this was part of our plan.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I would definitely look for full time work after securing babysitting for a few hours in the afternoon. You are going to need to take care of you and the baby. You cant depend on him to do it, especially if you are planning on leaving. 

So, look around for a babysitter. Maybe, another mum who lives in your area who would like to earn a few bucks. Then, find a job and go from there.

Is he very stressed out about money?


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## Moriah (Feb 4, 2016)

He's extremely stressed about money, he also recently lost his mother, there are many factors. I feel terrible for him and where his head is, but it hasn't always been this dire and he has always had something to be stressed about and has always had an anger problem. I have finally realized that I cannot help him.
We have been waiting for him to get a job before me for many reasons, healthcare being one of them as we are currently on a government sponsored plan through unemployment. I fear we are tangled in the details.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to build up YOUR life so that you are no longer dependent on him for anything. Do you have a college degree? Training? What kind of work can you get? It would be best if you can get a full-time job and let your daughter stay in after-school care for a couple hours (good for her, too, to be in a stress-free, nourishing place for a couple hours, for now). 

Once you start feeling more independent, you'll be able to look at what he does with more clarity, with less emotion, and be less drawn into it.

And, of course you know by now, following up the fighting with 'intense passion' is NOT a solution. Make a promise to yourself that you will not fall for that this time, ok? 

Look into your city's services; I'm sure you'll be able to find some agencies that will help with food, or job training, or clothes, etc. You pay taxes - USE the services to get yourselves out of this mess. 

And stop focusing on what he does or doesn't do. You can't control him. Focus on what you CAN control - you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Moriah said:


> My husband of 11 years and I are in the worst place we have ever been. There has been an escalating cycle of emotional abuse fueled by his anger and depression.


Moriah, welcome to the TAM forum. It would be very helpful if you would tell us whether his anger and emotional abuse have been a problem throughout your 11 years of marriage -- or whether things were fine up until the last year or two.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Job loss is a huge stressor. Your family needs money - the solution is to get some.

You and he should both be looking for work. Your daughter is school age, so you can work while she's in school. 
That will relieve the immediate stress so you can focus on your longer term issues. When he gets a job again, keep yours too. Sock away the extra into savings for a rainy day.

Good luck.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Why was he fired?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You need to start taking care of yourself and your child. If you husband is not making the effort to get help then that is no longer your problem, focus on you. Go get a job (full time if possible) so you have money, you can ask relatives to look after your kid or put her in an after school programme. You have to do the 180 on your H and stop engaging with him and fighting. The fighting is going nowhere and draining you both. 

Make a list of the things you can do
Look at your current financials 
Can you sell anything in your home to add to your funds?
Can you cut down on any recurring expenditure to reduce spending?


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## Karen Smith (Feb 14, 2016)

Since he won't leave, you and your daughter should. Can you stay with relatives short term? If not, find a local woman's shelter to stay at. Putting your daughter's best interest is a priority. This obviously is not a healthy environment for her either. 

Let him and the marriage go.

Take care of you and your daughter.


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