# I've Accepted - Now How Can I Be Happy?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I’m continuing to struggle on how, if I can, save my marriage that I feel and see is imploding with every day that passes.

I have finally accepted that my husband has emotionally and physically disconnected from me and us.

His actions, and words have clearly indicated to me, that while he is still in the home and part of the marriage – he is no longer invested in it.

In the past week, he has stated:

- I don’t’ care how you feel and what your feelings are.
- I am messed up, and I know it, but you need to accept me as I am or don’t.
- He no longer cares if I’m upset and why (even though he still asks if I’m upset).
- He loves me, but apparently that is “not enough” for me anymore.
- I think “I’m” better than he is.
- That he can’t (or won’t) be what I need.
- That what I want “ain’t gonna happen.”
- That I “check up” on him and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t feel he is doing anything wrong.
- That I’m clingy, needy and won’t give him space.
- That I talk too much and that he needs peace and quiet.

Based on what I heard, this is how I interpreted what was said:

- He does no longer act like he cares – he has shutdown and shut me out.
- He does make changes, though they don’t last – he does not sustain them.
- He does ask if I am upset, but no longer comforts me or acts like it matters.
- Says he loves me, but he may be right – that may not be enough anymore.
- I truly do not believe I am BETTER than him, but I am projecting that – to him.
- He can’t be everything I need – either because he chooses not to, or he is too damaged to do so.
- I don’t want much – but apparently, according to him – he can’t (or won’t) give me what I need.
- I didn’t realize he thought I was checking up on him – I thought I was being caring (are you on your way to your doctor appt, did you take your meds, etc.).
- I have been exhibiting behavior that he sees as clingy and needy – I saw it as loving – so this is a matter of our different perceptions.
- I do talk too much, but I’m unsure how to resolve this – if I’m too quiet that’s a problem too – for me, it’s difficult to find a middle-ground.

I am NOT prepared to leave, just yet and am working on a way to be happy and “live with” what I have, without constantly striving for it to be more – more is not going to happen (at least for now) and I need to be satisfied with what I can get/have - even if it's now what I really want (for now).

There are a lot of reasons why I am not ready to leave – none of them being children or financial implications. I am just not ready emotionally – until I am – I cannot leave – period.

This is what I am doing:
- Not calling to check-up on whether he has made his dr appointments or taken his meds. I can check on the meds when I get home each day.
- Not being overly affectionate – the result being I get no affection and this is very hard for me – but I’ve been pulling back.
- Being more peaceful and quiet. Quiet is hard for me, but I am trying – quiet just seems so empty and lonely for me – I am an extreme extrovert.
- Diffusing any and all arguments. Simply stating my POV and moving on from there.
- Lessening my expectations of what I expect this marriage to be – it can’t go back to where it was.
- Figuring out for myself what those clingy/needy behaviors are and adjust him.

I did tell him this weekend that if he needed to leave – then leave. That he did not need to have fear, guilt, whatever was keeping him in the marriage. That if I was not the one for him anymore, then it was what it was and that I would be fine and get through it just like I’ve gotten through everything else in my life. But that I was not responsible for how he behaved and that I was no longer going to own how he was feeling and why – it wasn’t mine to own. He had no response, positive or negative.

So – this is where I’m at.

Anyone have any other suggestions on how to detach (lovingly) to save my own sanity so that he has the space he needs and I can deal/live with it in the meantime until I decide if/when I need to make an alternative decision?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Can you afford to give yourself a makeover? I'm talking hair, nails, a new outfit? 

That's what I would do. When you look good, you feel good.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

themrs said:


> Can you afford to give yourself a makeover? I'm talking hair, nails, a new outfit?


Your money would be better spent on duct tape, a shovel, a drop cloth, trash bags, 30 gallon Rubbermaid container and lime.
I'm only half kidding here. 

You will feel better after your surgery and lookin' hot.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

The best thing is to find a replacement for your attention and energy. No, not another guy, at least not yet.

Hobbies, gym, work (but don't get too emotionally invested in work), friends. If there are other things you can concentrate on, the less painfully obvious it will be that you aren't concentrating on him.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Are you still in counseling? Does your therapist think that your holding on to this marriage is mentally healthy? Detach lovingling is an oxymoron.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

One suggestion maybe, is to say the Serenity prayer everyday. Its all about acceptance. Truly believe it and maybe it will help.

Go out and do things for yourself. Get involved with other things. Lunch dates with other ladies. Go to the movies with some friends, out to dinner etc. Surely you have made some friends you could hang out with from support groups?

When was the last time you did some things with other people?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

themrs said:


> Can you afford to give yourself a makeover? I'm talking hair, nails, a new outfit?
> 
> That's what I would do. When you look good, you feel good.


Don't think that will help.

But - been there - done that.

I grew my hair out, colored it blonde.

I tan.

I quit smoking.

I'm less than 10 lbs from where I was when we were married.

I already had to buy all new clothes more than a year ago due to extreme weight loss from the stress of my marriage.

I am scheduled for a tummy tuck next month (for me). This will greatly add to my self-image.

I'm a catch - to everyone but him.

And it's not just frustrating, but extremely sad.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Your money would be better spent on duct tape, a shovel, a drop cloth, trash bags, 30 gallon Rubbermaid container and lime.
> I'm only half kidding here.
> 
> You will feel better after your surgery and lookin' hot.


:smthumbup:

Already got them - just waiting for an "excuse" to use them - HA HA - I'm only half kidding here too!

I will feel better after surgery (scheduled for 28 June) and will be hot, hot, hot - don't know if that will make any difference to him, but will make plenty for me!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> The best thing is to find a replacement for your attention and energy. No, not another guy, at least not yet.
> 
> Hobbies, gym, work (but don't get too emotionally invested in work), friends. If there are other things you can concentrate on, the less painfully obvious it will be that you aren't concentrating on him.


That's what I'm thinking too.

No emotional investment in job.

I've already retired from one - this one just keeps me busy - no reason for a secon retirement for me.

Thanks!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Are you still in counseling? Does your therapist think that your holding on to this marriage is mentally healthy? Detach lovingling is an oxymoron.


Yes I am.

My therapist (who is also his and does our MC too - I love this guy!), says that he believes that we compliment each other as opposites and he thinks we're "perfect" for each other - we just have to get the details (duh) worked out.

He thinks things can be saved and is "working" on getting him to be more open and me to be more quiet. 

Our "counselor" is not ready to let us throw in the towel.

I'm not either - but I'm not going to keep butting my head against a wall for the next 20 years either (if he makes it that long).


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> One suggestion maybe, is to say the Serenity prayer everyday. Its all about acceptance. Truly believe it and maybe it will help.
> 
> Go out and do things for yourself. Get involved with other things. Lunch dates with other ladies. Go to the movies with some friends, out to dinner etc. Surely you have made some friends you could hang out with from support groups?
> 
> When was the last time you did some things with other people?


A long time.

I've been invited places, but always turn them down as I didn't want to leave my husband alone all the time - but it sounds like, to me - that's exactly what he wants.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MWIL this sounds like a miserable living arrangement. Perhaps you need to decide if YOU should make the decision to stay or not. Why leave a decision that is vital to you to someone who cares so little for you!! 

The men have a "man up" thing, I think women need a "woman up" mantra. Don't invest emotions and be dependent on a man on a man who mistreats them. A person who treats you like you are less than human does not deserve your presence or your love. 

Once a man says he does not love you, believe him. You loved the person who loved you but that person has left the building. 

Leaving the decision to remove yourself from a painful situation to a person who does not care is the height of irresponsibility on your part and lack of self love. Your self-esteem has taken quite a beating maybe due to a combination of factors, your husbands attitude being one. 

When you make the decision to draw you love and caring back to you, then you will act in a way that preserves your dignity and sanity. When you are out of this situation, you will have a sense of relief and the return of your happiness. 

You will then be ready to work on your self esteem in therapy and uncover why you allow a person to disrespect you. 

Can I suggest a book that may help you to decide - "Too Good to Leave...."
Amazon.com: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (9780452275355): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> MWIL this sounds like a miserable living arrangement. Perhaps you need to decide if YOU should make the decision to stay or not. Why leave a decision that is vital to you to someone who cares so little for you!!
> 
> The men have a "man up" thing, I think women need a "woman up" mantra. Don't invest emotions and be dependent on a man on a man who mistreats them. A person who treats you like you are less than human does not deserve your presence or your love.
> 
> ...


Thanks - I will look up that book.

I'm not letting him make the decision whether I stay or go - I'm making this decision - not him.

I haven't made the decision to go and there are a lot of factors involved. Maybe part of it is self-esteem - though I do feel good about myself - but maybe not enough - I don't know.

He hasn't said he doesn't love me. He actually says he does - but says that it's not enough for me. 

Maybe he's right.

But I am going to stay put, for now - I just want to make sure that I'm as happy as I can be - his happiness is no longer a #1 priority for me anymore - the comments were too true and too hurtful, I am starting to build resentment - I can feel it and the first step is that I no longer am concerned about his happiness.

Next will come that I don't want to be around him.

Don't want him to touch me,

And then I'll feel just like he does - but the difference between me and him is I will leave when it hits that point.

I haven't yet figured out why he hasn't. Financially, he can make it too and no more kids at home. I asked him why he was still there and he honestly replied - I don't know. So maybe fear is keeping him in the marriage.

And it might be me too.

I just know that I'm not emotionally ready to part yet, but yet I'm not emotionally capable of living in the current situation - thus why I'm here.


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## evian123 (May 8, 2011)

The clinginess criticism sounds similar to what my husband also told me (of course, he didn't take responsibility for his own cold and distant behaviour). But, there's a cycle going on basically. It will go on forever until you become independent emotionally from him. And, do it consistently - not just until he starts paying attention - but for yourself and your own needs.. 

When I got on with my life and genuinely paid attention only to myself and what I enjoyed and what I liked, he was then around me. 

This can be turned around, but only when you start paying more attention to you than to him - long term. I hope that helps.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ditto on the comment that lovingly detaching is an oxymoron. I tried that back when my husband and I were going through our really bad times early in our marriage. It didn't work. Eventually I EXploded and was like either we fix this or I'm leaving.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Well, I'm trying to detach lovingly anyway.

I've accepted things as they are and am working within the confines of what I am faced with.

I think he's full of resentment towards me - some may be justified, some is BS, in my opinion.

But that doesn't change how he feels. I believe this is part of what's going on. He's a guy that takes a long time to get over things and the medical issues impede that even more - things I can't even begin to fathom or understand.

So I'm just plugging along and living "my life."

Things are static in our home - not bad, not really good - just somewhere inbetween (co-existing in a friendly-type way).

Hopefully that will change, maybe not.

He has been under a lot of stress from the deaths of both his mother and father in the past 3 months - it's probably affected him more than I realize and more than he is willing to admit.

For now, I just need to be there - for him and myself.

The rest will either work itself out - or not. Time will tell.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Go out and enjoy yourself some. Take a day for yourself, or get together with friends, it will do you some good. You need other people besides therapists and your husband all the time.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jamison said:


> Go out and enjoy yourself some. Take a day for yourself, or get together with friends, it will do you some good. You need other people besides therapists and your husband all the time.


No kidding!

Thanks...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh, Married, I empathize completey with you. This sound sso much lke what my marriage was towards the end (minus the clingy party). We were like two ships passing in the night and I absolutely felt my feelings did not matter to him, it was his way or no way. In fact, he even told my opinions didn't matter to him. Ouch.

If this isn't nipped in the bud, like you mentioned, you won't want him to touch you, etc. You will start to resent him and that is NO good. That is what happened to me. I started to resent my own H. 

There is definitely a disconnect here and it takes TWO to work it out. You are going to really have to sit him down and tell him how badly this is affecting you. Hopefully he will see that and make an effort. I believe any relationship can be worked out as long as both parties are willing to do the work.

If he isn't receptive, then you need to decide if you want to live your life feeling like a ghost.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh, Married, I empathize completey with you. This sound sso much lke what my marriage was towards the end (minus the clingy party). We were like two ships passing in the night and I absolutely felt my feelings did not matter to him, it was his way or no way. In fact, he even told my opinions didn't matter to him. Ouch.
> 
> If this isn't nipped in the bud, like you mentioned, you won't want him to touch you, etc. You will start to resent him and that is NO good. That is what happened to me. I started to resent my own H.
> 
> ...


He does listen, things just don't change.

I think part of the issue here is that it is "not the right time" for how I feel, what I feel is happening, etc.

He has a lot going on and is under a lot of stress.

His medical and physical issues are an everyday thing. It's not just a here and there thing - his issues are very real - things he cannot control and change if he wanted to.

He is trying very hard to get back physically and mentally to a point where he can live what he considers a normal-type life (his words here). 

That on top of the death of his mother and then again his father 3 months later has stressed him out a lot - more than he even thought it would. In fact, enough that he spoke to his doctor and they have him in a stress-management group.

He goes to the VA for doctor appointments 5 days per week.

2 days for physical therapy for the stroke-like issues.
2 days for speech/cognitive therapy for the stroke-like issues.
3 different groups to deal with PTSD, anger and stress.

This doesn't count his IC with two different doctors, our MC, along with his mental health, PCM and neurologists visits.

ON TOP OF THAT - he has to worry about what I need, what I want and he can't even figure out which day is which without looking at the calendar I keep up-to-date for him/us.

Gosh - maybe I am being a little overzealous and not patient enough. Writing it down this way and remembering that this is not a normal brain/man that is having to deal with all of this - I guess he is stressed out.

He once tried to get me to understand that due to the TBI, his focus was him - trying to get a normal life back that he could enjoy as much as possible physically and mentally and that he needed to focus on HIMSELF to get to that point and that while he loved and cared about me - he didn't have the energy or mental acuity to "deal" with my problems at this time.

His doctor (IC--neuro psychologist) has also tried to impress this upon me and to be patient and give things time - he doesn't think I'm being patient enough and truly understand what I and my husband are dealing with.

I'm beginning to think more and more that they are right and I have not been as supportive as I could have been and been more worried about what "I'm getting" out of all this instead of what "he needs" to move forward.

Perhaps I've now seen the light...a huge lightbulb just went off for me.

Yes this marriage is about us - but with the TBI and afteraffects, the focus is more on HIM, until his life settles into something more normal - OMG - I know I've done and sacrificed a lot - but I just now realized that I've been very selfish and self-centered and should have put his shoes on for a while.

Seriously - I've gone about this all wrong. Of course things are ABOUT HIM - he's sick - he needs me to be supportive and HELP him, not put on more pressure and make things worse.

DAMN - I actually get it now!


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