# How important is it to know everything?



## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

After much discussion over a couple of months, my husband has admitted to having gone to a certain point with a woman he met while on a business trip. We have been able to really grow as a couple as there were some underlying issues for both of us that we have been able to be very open about which has strengthened our relationship and brught us to a deeper more meaningful place. 

However the hurt and pain still are there and this will take time. He has been very patient, answered all my questions, and been very open to talking although feels sensitive and sometimes uncomfortable talking about the details of his infidelity as he doesn't like to be the one responsible for the pain. He maintains that he never had sex with this person, that after some initial kissing he stopped. He maintains that this is what makes him feel strong and good about the whole mistake in the first place was his ability to stop.

Obviously it still niggles at me about whether or not they did have sex....and should this be important? I may never really find out....not sure how to feel about it. some of the time I'm good with where we've got to as a result things. Should I just leave it be?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You have to know EVERYTHING because you have to know what you are forgiving.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Thats what sucks about affairs... you lose all trust.
He very well could be telling you the truth, but how would you ever truly know?

And I'm sorry to say this to you, but adults don't "just kiss".


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

ocean wind said:


> After much discussion over a couple of months, my husband has admitted to having gone to a certain point with a woman he met while on a business trip. We have been able to really grow as a couple as there were some underlying issues for both of us that we have been able to be very open about which has strengthened our relationship and brught us to a deeper more meaningful place.
> 
> However the hurt and pain still are there and this will take time. He has been very patient, answered all my questions, and been very open to talking although feels sensitive and sometimes uncomfortable talking about the details of his infidelity as he doesn't like to be the one responsible for the pain. He maintains that he never had sex with this person, that after some initial kissing he stopped. He maintains that this is what makes him feel strong and good about the whole mistake in the first place was his ability to stop.
> 
> Obviously it still niggles at me about whether or not they did have sex....and should this be important? I may never really find out....not sure how to feel about it. some of the time I'm good with where we've got to as a result things. Should I just leave it be?


Hi,

I'm glad you found this place, but sorry you are here if that makes sense.

Everyone is different. I think if you are asking this question on here, it is because you want to know but are afraid to ask.

I found that details I asked about were very painful to hear at the time, but it allowed me to lay that part to rest (kind of). The things that have killed me are the constant lies over many months added to details I didn't ask for.

As an aside, I believe you *have* to know if he had sex with her or not. That is not a "detail".


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm glad you found this place, but sorry you are here if that makes sense.
> 
> ...


Yep.

Any loyal spouse _deserves_ to know the truth... imho.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ask him to write a detailed narrative about what happened - including time of day/night; length of "kissing", where it occurred, who else knows, her full name, marital status, everything. 

The narrative should be in outline form but with details. 
Read it. Ask if there is anything else to add. Ask questions to clarify a point or detail as needed for your peace of mind. 

Ask him to write a no-contact letter/email to her but to give it to you for review. Then send it. 

If she is married you want to contact her husband and let him know that she and your husband had a brief inappropriate relationship. Ask him if he was aware of this. Tell him you will share the details you have if he so chooses. 

Tell your husband that you will set this narrative aside and continue with a renewed commitment but if there is ONE single thing left out of the narrative for whatever reason - all bets are off and what was left of your trust will evaporate like alcohol on hot pavement.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

I feel for you, im in the same situation. My wife tells me she didn't go physical but i also have a hard time be leaving her. It does suck you want to so badly, but atm you cant find it in yourself to be leave them. I think the only way we can get closure if we don't be leave them is to have them do a lie detector test. Mine did volunteer im just trying to decide if i really want to or not. Do I really want to know. She is doing everything atm for a good R. Its just hard to let go of it all and truly forgive and trust. Im sure it will come in time hopefully


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

ody360 said:


> I feel for you, im in the same situation. My wife tells me she didn't go physical but i also have a hard time be leaving her. It does suck you want to so badly, but atm you cant find it in yourself to be leave them. I think the only way we can get closure if we don't be leave them is to have them do a lie detector test. Mine did volunteer im just trying to decide if i really want to or not. Do I really want to know. She is doing everything atm for a good R. Its just hard to let go of it all and truly forgive and trust. Im sure it will come in time hopefully


ody360. Bit of a threadjack here but please - read my story.

Long story short, my wife insisted - on our children's lives - that it "didn't go physical" but my spidey senses were going all sort of haywire to that.

2 months later it turns out it was *very* physical.

I hope it isn't the same for you, but my story was far from unique. In fact, if your wife didn't go physical, I would suggest that it is your story that is unique.

Good luck.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ocean wind said:


> After much discussion over a couple of months, my husband has admitted to having gone to a certain point with a woman he met while on a business trip. We have been able to really grow as a couple as there were some underlying issues for both of us that we have been able to be very open about which has strengthened our relationship and brught us to a deeper more meaningful place.
> 
> However the hurt and pain still are there and this will take time. He has been very patient, answered all my questions, and been very open to talking although feels sensitive and sometimes uncomfortable talking about the details of his infidelity as he doesn't like to be the one responsible for the pain. He maintains that he never had sex with this person, that after some initial kissing he stopped. He maintains that this is what makes him feel strong and good about the whole mistake in the first place was his ability to stop.
> 
> *Obviously it still niggles at me about whether or not they did have sex..*..and should this be important? I may never really find out....not sure how to feel about it. some of the time I'm good with where we've got to as a result things. Should I just leave it be?


I finally came to the conclusion that my fiancé wanted to have sex with his EA but didn't....... because his EA was stringing him along as "just friends" -- something he keeps telling me-- and on the night that he had a real opportunity to do so, I received an e-mail from him telling me that his EA has a bf and that I should not worry about their relationship....... hookay.........

OP, you may have to do as I, some extrapolation as to what really happened. that was nearly 3 years ago and my fiancé is doing everything he can to be transparent and to move forward. So yes, you may still question as to what really happened but if your partner is doing the right things, you can move one from it as well.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

well the good thing about mine is my gut is telling me she didnt, just because i have a understanding of the guy who she was chasing. the text messages that they had together. He was still strung on on his wife that left him no more then 2 months prior and was just needing someone to talk to. In the messages it was clear my wife was aggressor and he would totally side step her sexual comments. He would never say anything back and continue trying to talk about his situation. 

so thats why my gut feels like she didnt, but my mind struggles cause i know how much she wanted to. 

Sorry about the thread jack also, just wanted to answer the question. 

but its still on subject it is hard to believe them when you almost have the evidence pointing at no it didn't go physical. Just only EA.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

If you are planning on reconciling you may not want to know everything as each detail may make the reconciliation worse for you. 

My first wife cheated quite a bit, and when she finally confessed, I wanted to know everything, and she obliged with cruelty. Details came out about things she would do sexually with other men that she did not do with me, with comments like "You just don't make me feel that way", etc. , and this as we were planning on reconciling. 

Ask yourself if you really want to fill your brain with images of your spouse having sex with other people? You may hear things that are unsettling and cause you sleepless nights, and self-doubt. Are you strong enough for this? 

In my opinion, assume they had full intercourse, and tell them you assume they did, as they most likely did. See how they react, and whatever they say, just tell them "you are such a bad liar", and see what that elicits. 

You NEVER get the whole story, so assume the worst, avoid the real details of what happened, and do your best to move on, and build yourself up. That is what you need. Letting them tell you ugly details will bring you further down. It hurts.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

It is imperative that the WS owns all of it! Everthing they did, they must confess to. Its part of making amends. You cannot reconcile with secrets between your WS and AP. That makes YOU the outsider STILL.

Also, eventually the truth will come out one way or another and if its not from your WS it will ruin R four or five years down the road.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Ever-Man said:


> If you are planning on reconciling you may not want to know everything as each detail may make the reconciliation worse for you.
> 
> My first wife cheated quite a bit, and when she finally confessed, I wanted to know everything, and she obliged with cruelty. Details came out about things she would do sexually with other men that she did not do with me, with comments like "You just don't make me feel that way", etc. , and this as we were planning on reconciling.
> 
> ...


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Its different from person to person. 

If you don't know, that will plague you as well. 

Wondering whether he had sex with OW the same way he did with you. did he kiss her more? or do anything different or something you thought was special. 

Its all bad, either way, and I can understand not wanting to know but that course has just as many triggers as knowing everything.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I had to know what I was dealing with.
I had to see if my oldlady was willing to face the consequences of telling me the humiliating things she did for the OM's.

Once I knew what I was dealing with I had something to to work with and once I/we understood the catalist to her unhealthy choices she and I were able to address them and work on affair proofing the marriage.

In the end I have no problem treating her like the way she wants to be treated in the back seat of a car , and she knows that going to bars with her girls friends is not healthy for the marriage.

Bewarned, this is very painful crap to hear and may never leave your mind. No one can tell you what you can and can not handle!

The degree of importance is up to you.....

Can you handle the truth that your old man likes certian thing that freak you out. There could be some really hard to hear emotional aspects that can be hard to listen to.

Put in the end do you want to learn or do you want to judge/ resent?

Can you be better then the AP? Is she worth competing with?

These question will either teach you a few things or digust you and see that your old man is a freak/emotional retard.......

In short you will learn more about your spouse, the trick is can you handle it or not!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I wish I knew nothing about my wife's activity with my former lover. It has not left my head for 27 years.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

It is not just about YOU, knowing everything.

It is FACEING everything, especially the WS.

I tried this;


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/55851-breaking-compartmentalization.html


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

the guy said:


> I had to know what I was dealing with.
> I had to see if my oldlady was willing to face the consequences of telling me the humiliating things she did for the OM's.
> 
> Once I knew what I was dealing with I had something to to work with and once I/we understood the catalist to her unhealthy choices she and I were able to address them and work on affair proofing the marriage.
> ...


Good points. Part of the trick of reconciling is also ascertaining if you can satisfy your WS in the same way the AP can, and in many cases one cannot, and that is why the AP was chosen by the spouse. 

If your spouse is looking for a long legged blond, and you are a short raven-haired asian woman, you cannot meet this need, and if you know this, you may remain forever uncomfortable in your marriage. Is it better not to know these details if you decide to reconcile? I believe it is better not to know, these details may get in the way of trust. 

Best to focus on what your spouse is looking for FROM YOU in the relationship, and not what you can do LIKE THE AFFAIR PARTNERS did to satisfy them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ever-Man said:


> Good points. Part of the trick of reconciling is also ascertaining if you can satisfy your WS in the same way the AP can, and in many cases one cannot, and that is why the AP was chosen by the spouse.
> 
> If your spouse is looking for a long legged blond, and you are a short raven-haired asian woman, you cannot meet this need, and if you know this, you may remain forever uncomfortable in your marriage. Is it better not to know these details if you decide to reconcile? I believe it is better not to know, these details may get in the way of trust.
> 
> Best to focus on what your spouse is looking for FROM YOU in the relationship, and not what you can do LIKE THE AFFAIR PARTNERS did to satisfy them.


Sometimes the preferences aren't physical. They might be personality wise. I'm glad to know that my fiancé is turned on by sparring and feistiness. It means that I know that I don't have to hold back.

I used to hear all the time that men don't like drama..... and that kept me in check. I know better now....


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Ever-Man said:


> Good points. Part of the trick of reconciling is also ascertaining* if you can satisfy your WS in the same way the AP can, and in many cases one cannot, and that is why the AP was chosen by the spouse.
> 
> If your spouse is looking for a long legged blond, and you are a short raven-haired asian woman*, you cannot meet this need, and if you know this, you may remain forever uncomfortable in your marriage. Is it better not to know these details if you decide to reconcile? I believe it is better not to know, these details may get in the way of trust.
> 
> Best to focus on what your spouse is looking for FROM YOU in the relationship, and not what you can do LIKE THE AFFAIR PARTNERS did to satisfy them.


If WS is that shallow, there is not a d!ck big enough (for her) or legs long enough (for him) to fill the emptiness inside them. They are broken. Don't compare them with yourself.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

That is exactly what I have been deciding....if there is more for hime to tell, do I need to know it? I know how difficult is has been for me to just deal with the kissing, touching. If he infact stopped as he said he did cause it made him feel sick...that would be a good thing, but the bit they did does still sting alot. I do think about that and the words they exchanged in their emails after he returned home. None of which was sexual, but caring follow up. 

Bottom line is that he is doing and saying all the right things the past few months, and whether or not there was more, he does want our marraige and would be scared that any more details would finish it. Both of us has been most respectful of each others position and committments for our future. I have a part in his feeling the need to enjoy the attentions of someone else....doesn't mean it was right what he did, but I understand why. After many years of marraige and raising a family, a mom's priorities are definately stretched and my energy not always put into the right place ie: husband. As old school as it sounds....I have to put myself in his shoes and ask if I didn't feel appreciated, loved, cared for often enough over time might I like the attentions of someone else? Hard to say. It was weak for him to fix the problem the way he did, I've told him that. Point is, now he realizes this and wants to move forward. He feels great about his realization...I still need time. So as things pop into my head about what do I need to really know?? It gets confusing as to do I stay on the path of focusing on moving fwd. now, or keep digging? 

I do tend to agree with no more visuals or negative.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

To me it was more of knowing all I could bc I needed to know who he had become, a father that did not gave a shoot about his kid while he was with her, did not care what help I needed while I was running around with my head in the clouds about work and our toddler's development problems. Could come home dn act like nothing happened after he had been with her in a motel.

THIS is the reason I needed to know it ALL. I do have to admit that I know a lot (pretty sure I will never know it all and neither will you) and I now know who he is, not who I thought he was - and that is the person I have to agree to forgive or not. Not the perfect guy I had fallen in love with and had on a pedestal.

Make sense?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Sometimes, it seems that having that doubt of the extent of a WS's actions, can be worse than finding out they were in a full blown PA with all the details. Slow poisoning.


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