# Regret marriage



## Rosalyn Modica (Jun 15, 2010)

Hi, this is the first time I've posted something like this on a site but I need to tell someone impartial.

This will take a while so please bear with me, it's just that it's easier to explain from the beginning.

My husband and I met through his girlfriend who was a girl I knew at school. I became infatuated with him and after 2 years we started dating behind this girls back. I know this was wrong but we were all still at high school at the time. They eventually split and he and I started seeing eachother but not properly, it was more friends with benefits to begin with because I didn't think he would want to jump into another serious relationship so we used protection and we both dated other people aswell eachother. All very unhealthy I know but this was all when I was 18. He and I eventually got together properly and despite splitting a few times we managed to sort it out and he proposed and we moved in together at my parents, found our own flat, and started this most ridiculous relationship. 

We were in major debt from the start as he gave up his job, didn't find a new one for 6 months (even then a very poor job) and my wage would not cover everything so we had a bad start. Despite this, through stubborness we continued with the wedding plans, even though I constantly asked him why he wouldn't call it off (I didn't want to be the one to do it). We did actually have a very nice wedding day as my parents pretty much did it all for us, but even on the day, even saying my vows, I had serious doubts and joined in the joke of "it will never last, who's taking bets?"

Our debts got worse, we argued a lot but at the end of the day we still seemed to love eachother and struggled through. It's been 6 years now. Things haven't changed much. We're still in debt but don't argue as much as I've kind of got used to it. We both work hard but (and I don't totally blame him for the debt as I'm no angel) he goes on fishing holidays frequently costing up to £300 and has bought a boat. He also smokes marajuana. 

All this is exhaustive enough and I don't think I have the energy to write the rest. 

Now he's working away a lot. I have really tried to visualise our future but he wants kids I don't, he hates the idea of living anywhere else and I want to move to somewhere warmer, I have a business I want to expand, he wants me to give it up. I really do care for him, I know I probably sound like I don't but whenever I think of calling it a day, I get this rush of affection that stops me from doing it because if I did then he'd be alone and would not cope. I know this. I don't want to hurt him but he's been away a month, comes back this friday and I have realised I don't miss him. 

I miss him as a friend, but a distant friend, you know the ones you maybe speak too twice in a month? I don't really bother too much about sex. I do it for him and I admit he knows the right buttons to press through practice over the past 9/10 years but familiarity can also breed contempt and right now I don't feel physically attracted to him. I like my hugs and thats it. I know I feel sexually attracted to other men so I know that it's not that I've switched off. 

I care so much for him but it doesn't feel like love.

I'm sure we got married because neither of us were prepared to quit. We're stubborn. But saying my vows, I thought they would stick in my throat. I wanted to take him aside and say "neither of us want to do this really, why don't we call it a day" but I married him and I've regretted it pretty much everyday since.

He doesn't seem to see a problem and this confuses me as he knows we're so different and want totally different things. I don't know what to do. I don't think I want to stay married but I don't want to leave him either. I really don't want to hurt him.

I'm so confused and he won't go to counselling so I don't know what else to do.

Someone please help.


----------



## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Hi there. I haven't posted a while as much has been happening in my life. Your situation reminds me a bit of mine. I too was married to someone like your husband, I still am legally but we've ended it. It was a long process and it took us over a year. He is still not coping well with the separation but on the other hand I have no regrets. We were both not happy, and in the end I chose me, I chose my life, my happiness over worrying of hurting him. We talked a lot about our situation over the last year, we decided to keep trying to make it work, but in the end we both realised it's better to call it a day. I stopped having sex just because of him, and told him I missed the passion and connection and when you take sex away from a man, he soon becomes very unsatisfied. I sort of pushed him into seeing the big picture. I told him he should love me despite no sex, but he couldn't. He realised there is nothing deeper to us than sex. We also started our relationship by having sex. We were both getting over someone else. Our first problems also started because of money - and because he was never really mature enough to call his things "ours" and counted every dollar we spent and who spent it. My advice to you is - choose you. Always choose your own happiness over someone else's. In our case it was a long and painful process but it's better than living my life wondering what if? every day. Now I am a free woman and I am looking forward to every day in my life. Your heart told you not to marry him in the first place and now it's telling you to end this unhappy marriage - just listen to it.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If he will not go to counseling and will not stop drug use/expensive trips you do not want to pay for (as part of the family budget), then you need to decide what YOU can tolerate and what you cannot. Sounds like you have gotten to that point. If you want to give him one more chance, then tell him, we do counseling b/c if we do not, I am done. 

Whether or not you give him one more chance is up to you. Some people-esp. with kids--feel it is essential. Others feel they have already given too many chances and the resentment that has built up is too massive to remove--those of us who tried too long on our own, without getting professional help, for example. Will you feel too guilty if you do not try? Or can you be at peace with the decision? Once you figure it out, then act, without guilt or regret. Take what good memories and learning you can, and move forward. Good luck.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Yes, tell him counseling or it's over. I think it was awful of you to marry him knowing you didn't want to marry, but you shouldn't have live so unhappy either. Seems the two of you are very unevenly yoked with no skills to hold it together. Work on getting those skills and insist on counseling. Alas, you cannot make him do anything, in which case you should not feel guilty about ending it.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Your relationship started out essentially as an affair. That is not a stable foundation to build on. It sounds like your relationship is now rife with problems and that is understandable. You state that you don't argue much as you have gotten used to everything. That is the lethal plain of flatness, when you just give up.
Counseling can help but if he is unwilling there isn't much point. Even if he manages to get to the meeting, if he is unwilling in his heart it won't matter that he is physically there.
You worry about hurting him but let me ask you, wouldn't it hurt him more if you continue to stay in this marriage with all the feelings you are having?


----------



## Rosalyn Modica (Jun 15, 2010)

Hi, thanks for the replies so far.

I know it was wrong for me to marry him when I felt that way, it all just happened so quickly and I paniced, threw myself into the arrangments, convinced myself that my feelings would change. I've waited 6 years for them to change now. I do care so much for him but it only feels like love if I think about leaving him, I just couldn't bear to hurt him that way. Despite the fact that I'm feeling like this, he is the total opposite. I know he loves me. He calls 3 times a day, whether he's away from home or not, buys silly teddies for me, puts announcments on the radio ect, but I just feel suffocated by it all, which makes me seem like a horrible person I know but I just don't have the same depth of emotion for him as he has for me.

He has no family, his friends are all older than him and have their own lives and if I left him he'd have no-one, I just can't bring myself to do it but I know deep down this just won't work. If I stay with him, I'll have this lump in my heart that knows it could have been different. I'll end up doing everything that he wants to make sure he has a happy life because I'll feel guilty if I don't. I'll struggle forever to try and keep the bills paid, I'll have children I can't afford and I'll never have the life that I planned. 

It's all so messed up, my life is unrecognisable from when I left home. But I don't even know how to start talking to him about it because he's got so upset in the past when I've tried before.


----------

