# Torturous thoughts of her with other guys...how do you cope with that?



## chiksam (May 4, 2012)

The one thing I am finding almost intolerable here is the thought of her with other guys. I feel like I simply CANNOT tolerate these f&£ckin images and thoughts of her being intimate (in a physical and emotional sense) with these other guys. It stings so bad. I just can't get my head around how she can be so intimate and affectionate with me one minute...and within a week be giving that away to some other random dudes?! For me, those things are meaningful and I just can't get my head around the fact that she's so liberal with them :-(

F!£ck...I hate that thought so much. It just makes me feel so much pain, anger, betrayal...and the feeling is so intense that it feels like you can't possibly tolerate it any longer. If anyone knows what TH I'm talking about and has any wisdom about coping with it then I'd be grateful. How can she be so liberal with her intimacy...and why the hell does the thought if it make me feel SO bad?! Ouch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I suppressed those thoughts and images. Buried them deep, deep and then deeper.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You divorce and give it time. You realize that no woman can be expected to be faithful. You accept that and you decide if you want to continue to pursue a monogamous lifestyle or face the facts and get what you need as you desire. I think the statistics are wrong. I think much more than half of all women and men have been unfaithful in marriage. I bet the real statistics of the faithful are in the twenty percentile range. 

Articles I've read seem to point to treating the marriage after an affair as if it was something new. Her past and yours are just as they would be when you met. What you are doing presently is what is important. You create new, exciting, pleasant memories from that point forward. You interact as if the past was with someone else. Of course, this can only be done after the phase of your life that is called Reconciliation, where you find out everything you need to know so that you will be aware the next time it happens, as early as possible. That in itself, is a stumbling block. 

You will probably never be able to put those thoughts away completely. The best you can do is know it will probably happen no matter who you are with. You can do all that your abilities allow to be a good husband and it may not matter. Therefore, you have to decide how important fidelity is going to be in your life. Then make that big decision. Do you want to continue with this marriage? Is it worth it? Are there other benefits besides monogamous sex which make it worth being with her and doing what is necessary to make things work? Because, I believe, it is likely in most marriages to happen. I don't think the majority can trust that it won't. 

Sorry, just my very honest opinion. Sex is very very important. It is more important than almost anything in the marriage. Just what I've learned here from other posts tells me that.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You need to break it down into two things Dawg. One is the betrayal and two is the sex. The betrayal is the bad part. That's the knife in the back. 
The sex is a natural thing act that men and women do and everybody does basically the same thing. As good as it feels at the time there's no magic to it. If she were merely a neighbor, you'd be doing it with someone else, so would she and you wouldn't care.
Look at it this way my man, would would rather deal with knowing somebody screwed you woman or deal with being diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease. There's a lot worse things than a gal running off with another guy. That hurt seldom last more than a few months. I'm just saying to keep it in perspective. Relationships are like tools, trucks, boats, and other toys. As one gets broke, the next you get is usually a better quality.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

There are threads, or were threads here where the OP has posted that they cannot get the thoughts out of their mind 20 and 30 years later. They still have pain associated with that. This is a bunch of malarcky. It will always be with you. It may not hurt every day, but it will crop up for the rest of your life. You have to accept what has happened. You have to accept the truth that sex is important enough to break up a marriage but not important enough to hold infidelity against them. It's all a bunch of crap. It's just acceptance of reality. It's a choice to move on knowing it will probably happen again. You just may not know about it. Find the help you need to face the truth and move forward within or without your marriage. Learn the tools to let those thoughts go. You can't control them. You can only let them pass like a car in front of your house and not do anything to make your life worse.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> You divorce and give it time. You realize that no woman can be expected to be faithful. You accept that and you decide if you want to continue to pursue a monogamous lifestyle or face the facts and get what you need as you desire. I think the statistics are wrong. I think much more than half of all women and men have been unfaithful in marriage. I bet the real statistics of the faithful are in the twenty percentile range.
> 
> Articles I've read seem to point to treating the marriage after an affair as if it was something new. Her past and yours are just as they would be when you met. What you are doing presently is what is important. You create new, exciting, pleasant memories from that point forward. You interact as if the past was with someone else. Of course, this can only be done after the phase of your life that is called Reconciliation, where you find out everything you need to know so that you will be aware the next time it happens, as early as possible. That in itself, is a stumbling block.
> 
> ...


Your optimism is inspiring!  I dated soon after dday for a few months and enjoyed. Then I realized I was kidding myself and I'm nowhere near ready for a real relationship. Mostly I don't want one - and I think a big part of that is that I just don't have the capacity to trust, and therefore to give of myself completely.

I'm afraid this will never go away. That's what happens to the BS I suppose. Another crippling aspect of being betrayed by your spouse.

I'm a guy - and I never cheated once in my life (38, married for 14 years). And I never would have, even though my stbxw is crazy. There ARE faithful people out there. Just rare, I guess.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Healer said:


> Your optimism is inspiring!  I dated soon after dday for a few months and enjoyed. Then I realized I was kidding myself and I'm nowhere near ready for a real relationship. Mostly I don't want one - and I think a big part of that is that I just don't have the capacity to trust, and therefore to give of myself completely.
> 
> I'm afraid this will never go away. That's what happens to the BS I suppose. Another crippling aspect of being betrayed by your spouse.
> 
> I'm a guy - and I never cheated once in my life (38, married for 14 years). And I never would have, even though my stbxw is crazy. There ARE faithful people out there. Just rare, I guess.



hahahaha All you have to do is read around this site to know what I wrote is true. then read some of the links provided. Hey, I had opportunities and turned them down because I loved my wife. I was by no means perfect, but there are plenty here who have done pretty much all that can be done and have been cheated on. 

I kick myself for those times I turned someone down. What the hell was I thinking? I'd be true to my faith? What for? I have a tough time justifying that and I've read plenty about faith. I think we treat them well and have plenty of flings on the side. That way, when they do it, we can brush it off. It will roll off like water off a duck's back. And don't get married. It's not worth the pain. We can do all we need and want and be happier without all the added responsibilities. 

Just rare is absolute truth. Don't expect it. It can happen, though.

*Edit:* Of course, if you do find that one who will be faithful and you will be too, then get married. Good luck with that.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You have to make a conscious decision to not be bitter. There are many good women out there. I found one.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Can you be certain? No. You would have to check. Many? I don't think so. Read lots. You'll find what I did.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

chiksam said:


> If anyone knows what TH I'm talking about and has any wisdom about coping with it then I'd be grateful.


 As long as you make her your primary person in life, this pain will never fully go away. You can patch it. You can hide it. You can try to bury it deep. It will never go away. The only way to make it go away is to stop making the cheater your primary person in life, and to start over fresh with someone trustworthy that understands the meaning of being faithful. Such a person is out there. Harsh but true. 

I know so many people that cannot believe how much happier they were once they left their cheating spouse, and gave themselves the opportunity to find someone that truly values them and their marraige.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Do what I did. Divorce her and find some girls to party with. I was 30 and finishing up a degree when I filed for divorce. My classes were shared with 18-22-year olds, and some of the most therapeutic moments of my life were taking different girls to my home. People may call it immoral. 

Maybe it is. But I suspect that the people who call my behaviors immoral are the same people who have never suffered that kind of pain. The pain that makes you realize that there are some agonies that defy all conventional means of comfort, including prayer and God.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

I'm divorcing my drug addict, meth wh-re of a wife, and I know exactly the torment you are going through. The worst time is at night when I'm alone. I have horrible dreams of my wife having gangbangs and doing untold horrible stuff. Night after night. I don't sleep and I barely eat. 

I guess it's just something every betrayed man has to suffer through. I have no advice I can give.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

Run. Take a boxing class. Meditate. Whatever helps you flush it through. Takes time. Be kind to yourself.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Do what I did. Divorce her and find some girls to party with. I was 30 and finishing up a degree when I filed for divorce. My classes were shared with 18-22-year olds, and some of the most therapeutic moments of my life were taking different girls to my home. People may call it immoral. _

Van: Not unless the girl was married/committed and you were preying. Otherwise you are in the clear here, morally speaking. You owed nothing to your W, as I read your story.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Though it doesn't fully go away, the best way I found to cope is worrying about yourself first. Keep things in perspective. 

If she cheated the relationship wasn't really all that valuable anyway. Sort of like getting a boat for free and finding out it has leaks, even after you put a bunch of money into it. 

People don't often get broken up over a used car that keeps requiring more and more upkeep. Sometimes you just have to remember things have a place. 

Work out. Talk to friends. Make your relationship a smaller and smaller part of your life, and it will matter less and less.

*Edited* after reading it. I meant to say earlier it was the relationship that was worthless not FWW. The wording was wrong.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Get her out of your life.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Lets say, you (if you) can........ cope with it some how, It is just your side.

Betrayer wife or husband of yours should also deal with that intense deck in poosy experience with a third person.

I thought my wife and I had successfully recovered from her two betrayals during our first seven years of marriage.

After that, for the next, about thirteen years, we had two kids, we had been really good company to each other, I put her betrayals behind us never had any mind movies, doubts for years.

Than around the twentieth year of anniversary of ours all hell is let loose on me. I discovered that she was a serial cheater during that first seven years of ours, it was much more than just two affairs.

We had a lot of talking, soul searching, professional assistance. It turned out that, the legacy of that deck in the poosy experiences of her with other decks than mine were still alive in her mind and were too much for her to feel comfortable in our marriage.

We are divorced now with two young kids.

Your wife or husband is still, and probably until to their death, will remember their very intense experience with a third person.

You have more to worry than your own mind movies, what about his/her very pleasant mind movies, memories ?


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

It is said that, betrayed suppose is always keeping their partners betrayal as ammunition to use during a confrontration after their reconciliation, later in life.

Believe me, betrayer supposes are keeping their affair's memories too. For comparison to their life with you, every day, till their death.

What could have been, how could at be with that slot or SOB which they had the affair.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Can you be certain? No. You would have to check. Many? I don't think so. Read lots. You'll find what I did.


They exist but if that's your attitude, you will not find them, and if you do, you certainly will not keep them.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

It's also quite sad if you believe this forum represents the totality of human behavior. We see the worst of human nature here, but many people will never need to come here. Some chick did a number on you. And if you need to believe what you write in order to heal... hate on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Cheaters know no bounds, religious affiliation, social classification, rich, poor, or indifferent.

Like me, you were loyal and loving to a fault. Then she reached that point in her skewed, self-serving mindset that she deserved more out of life and just cowardly went for it.

The "mind movies" are there and will continue to provide you with an onslaught of ample nightmares. It's not your fault, but it is your problem.

Get away from her and start the process of fastly divorcing her skanky a$$! Read and learn!

You've come to right place here at TAM. Sorry to see you here, but you've got friends here who have experienced the same thing that you're now encountering.

Best of luck, my friend!*


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## aztam (Sep 30, 2013)

I know how you feel, I am going though this right now. I let my wife go away for the weekend with her girlfriends and all I can do is reply all the lies and cheating over in my head now. I am here becuase I also wonder can trust ever be restored.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have been banging my old lady longer then any POS and she keeps coming back for more...so phuck them!!!!

Ya I'm nuts but my seriel cheater keeps looking for someone better, yet ends up back with me. So I most be doing something right.

If she does find someone better then me...all the best...I will never let go of my ego..my respect...after all thats all *we* have left!!!!!

Banging other dudes behind our back has nothing to do with us...its them that are broken...we just have a moral compass...they don't!

How much better is that...those POS's don't have nothing compared to me.

Think it/know it brothers and it will be so....don't let them define you!!!!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

the guy said:


> I have been banging my old lady longer then any POS and she keeps coming back for more...so phuck them!!!!
> 
> Ya I'm nuts but my seriel cheater keeps looking for someone better, yet ends up back with me. So I most be doing something right.


She goes out looking for better, tests them out and comes back to you.. until she again goes out for another "test"?

Newsflash. She isn't coming home to you because you satisfy her. She comes home to you because you happen to be in the same dwelling that has all her clothing and personal items and divorce just isn't convenient for her. And because you're an easy, comfortable, familiar lay. 

If it was about you, she wouldn't be out screwing other guys all the time.

You _aren't_ doing something right. You're enabling your serial cheating wife's abhorrent behavior and allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat until such time as she decides she's had enough of you and kicks you to the curb.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

OP, the thoughts will probably always be there on some level, even if you are with another woman/women. 

Betrayal is a mind f*ck, there's no way of getting around it. 

I've read that some cognitive therapies will help, if you're open to that. But there is no mind eraser.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

I had a GF that I was with for 5 years and almost married but she cheated on me. Granted she wasn't my wife but still cheated and it still hurt. The mind movies were there and I did not want to even bare the thought of seeing her with another guy but our relationship ended. 

Unfortunately I am dealing with something similar now but the mind movies for my exGF never entered my mind after I got over her so I believe it is possible to let go of them once you move on completely or find someone new. If you have no emotional feelings towards someone, the mind movies don't mean anything.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

My issue would be having to see her and deal with her because we have kids.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

The mind movies will cease to have power over you but it does take a little time - some a bit more than others. After 6 months I only have them occasionally, they don't last long and I can pretty much push them aside. I'm running my ship not mind movies. 

The big question will always be can you genuinely Recon after betrayal. As my elderly Salvation Army friend told me - betrayal is very hard to recover from. In the meantime keep a journal and hold nothing back he advised.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

The mind movies are meaningless once you get to the point that you have a different sex partner. 

Kinda harsh, but when you find yourself no longer with her, you might enjoy someone else. Your focus is now on them, and you really don't care what or who your exWW is doing.

You realize that sex means little to some people, including your WW. It was not a special thing that she valued, the way that you do.

What to do? Deal with the pain, or move on with a D.

It sucks, but you can do it. I did.


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## sanityschaos85 (Oct 2, 2013)

straight up if you stay with them its always gonna be there i tried for 6 years after i got cheated on and finally just left cause i didnt feel for them anymore i just kept repressing it till there was no repressing left to do


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Horizon said:


> The mind movies will cease to have power over you but it does take a little time - some a bit more than others. After 6 months I only have them occasionally, they don't last long and I can pretty much push them aside. I'm running my ship not mind movies.
> 
> The big question will always be can you genuinely Recon after betrayal. As my elderly Salvation Army friend told me - betrayal is very hard to recover from. *In the meantime keep a journal and hold nothing back he advised.*


*And my journal is being perpetually posted right here at TAM, for all of my brothers and sisters to peruse, and then to either sympathize with or to just kick my a$$ whenever it needs it!*


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