# Not Quite Sure Where to Start



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I apologize in advance if this post is long.

Looking back, I've been depressed my whole life. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my early 20's and just married. My first panic attack happened just before our wedding which made the weeks that followed a living hell and my wedding day less than what I had envisioned it to be. It seemed to go away on its own, but my moods never really stabilized after that. I was always "moody" and at times could be very physically aggressive toward my husband. Not hitting, just get in your face angry, throw things, break things, etc. About two years later I had another panic attack that lead to weeks of depression so bad that I couldn't work, eat, sleep, chain smoked, etc. I finally sought help and was put on anti-depressants that seemed to work wonders. The depression went away, but the moods swings and temper tantrums continued. A few years later I was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder which seemed in-line with some genetic tendencies in my family. While on lithium my moods seemed to level out, but after a few years they started to return to pre-lithium swings; and so my life has continued like this for next 20-something years. On and off of various anti-depressants and most recently medication for ADHD has been added which has made a huge difference.

I am here now because my marriage is coming to an end and my emotional state over the years is to blame. After a few conversations with my STBX I've come to learn a lot; some things I was aware of, others I was not. I've always had a tendency to want to be alone. Not so much wishing that I didn't have others in my life, just always felt more comfortable in my room alone watching TV or reading, etc. This bothered him and my kid’s a lot. It bothered him also that I was like this around my extended family, which I never realized. For so many years I slept through family gatherings and having this come to light now just kills me. I realized it at the time, but I was just so tired all the time that I could never deal with any of it.

I don’t exactly know where I’m going with this post. I’m just feeling so much guilt right now about how much time I spent wrapped up in my own brain and emotional state that I let my family, my life, and my marriage fall to the wayside. He actually told me that if I had been there for him, he’d still be here. Do you know how hard that is to hear? Just when I think my heart can’t break any more, another piece falls off. I am so devastated at the loss of my marriage that I don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other some days.


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## mmzgirl (Jul 13, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> I apologize in advance if this post is long.
> Hello,
> It sounds like you have been wracked with a lot of mental health issues. I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. I too have had depression and there has been some violence in our
> Marriage. I look back on my marriage and realize I should have intervened earlier when my husband was being verbally abusive to me. I should have challenged him more and perhaps it would not have gotten to the point where I lost all my feelings for him. I am in the opposite situation, I feel like running away from him and can't seem to get my feelings back. I too have had depeession my whole life. I was on Paxil for over 20 years until it stopped working about 2 months ago. I desperately want to get my feelings back for him but I just don't look at him the same any longer. I feel so much guilt about that, just like you do about how you acted with your husband. I am sad for you that your heart is breaking, in all honesty mine is breaking too. I keep looking for an answer somewhere. Sorry to ramble about myself. Just wanted you to know someone can relate to you.
> ...


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## mmzgirl (Jul 13, 2012)

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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Did your husband try to tell you he was unhappy?


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## mmzgirl (Jul 13, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Did your husband try to tell you he was unhappy?


He isn't unhappy with the marriage, he was verbally abusive to me then sought counseling for the past 2 months and as been better, I just haven't been able to get the feeling of love back, can't stop obsessing and thinking about and feeling guilty
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