# Don't Want to Go but Can't Stay -So Confused



## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

The long and short of it is: My husband had a emotional affair two years ago. He spent 9 years in an internet relationship behind my back. I had no idea this woman existed. I am not sure when it evolved into the an emotional affair. I don't know if it was ever physical though I know there was face to face contact. My husband spun a giant web of lies in regards to this situation. I have found out some of the lies but never confronted him at the time. I tried once in a counseling session but he lied about it and topic got changed. When I got him in a corner, he would confess he lied and just tell me another lie in it's place. He would only confess the truth when given no out. He also lied to the other woman by telling her that we were separated when he came to see her. I do suspect physical because my husband's actions were those of someone who is very guilty. He would no longer have sex with me after years of complaining that 3 times a week was not enough.

Anyway, we spent a year in counseling. I worked hard on our marriage on my end. He improved for most part but the sex didn't pick up much until this past week when he knew I was mad at him but not why. However, one of the boundaries I set for remaining in the marriage was that he cease contact with the other woman. He still maintained that they were "just friends." but I said that was too bad, by sneaking around behind my back in the manner he did, he lost his rights to maintain that friendship and have me as a wife. One of us had to go. He said he chose me and deleted her from his phone.

Now two years later, he left his phone at home and I picked it up and it contacts to find his co-worker so that I could call him to tell him to tell my husband. Imagine my surprise when I found out that the other woman's name is again in his contact. This time he put her by last name when normally he puts everyone in by first name. So I looked at his texts and sure enough, he and she had a flurry of texts back in June. She had contacted him to tell him that she was getting married. He answered her and from the text, I could tell that my suspicions of the emotional affair were correct. They had once loved each other and he still loved her though she seemed to have moved on. It was almost stalker like. 

Furhtermore, my husband tried to start up a friendship with a stripper. She contacted him about business and he tried to take it further with more chatty texts. He had her in his phone under her real name but had never told me her real name (I knew her stripper name and met her because she worked at bar I bartended at on occasion). When I suggested counseling after finding that (though I was thinking about that we seemed to be snipping a lot more that week and that it had been a year since last appointment. It was days later from the discovery and I had not mentioned anything but "Who's C?"), he raged at me that I was jealous psycho and he was leaving me. This is always his tactic when I find something he did that sneaky. He rages, leaves, and comes back later (hours or days) when he's had time to think of some excuse to cover. He doesn't rage when I question normal things or normal contact with other women-only things that involve other women and sneakiness.

So I haven't confronted him that I found the texts with other woman. I'm waiting until we can see counselor. I want counselor to see his reaction and I don't want him to have time to concoct a story to tell counselor as he did before.

So I feel I have two choices. One is to stay and keep looking the other way and pretend I don't know he's lying, etc. and the other is to tell him that he has to confess the truth to me (mainly so I can heal) and be held accountable and figure out why he feels he has to pursue these other women behind my back (he says because I'm jealous but he has plenty of women friends who are not hidden that I don't have issue with). 

For the latter, I would like to have hope but I'm pretty sure he will leave me other than confess the truth.


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## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

Had to stop the other message kind of quickly.

I did want to mention that we have two kids and I am a homeschooling mom so divorce would be especially devasting which is why I don't want to do it. However, I also can't live with the lies.
He used to be one of the most honest men I knew but once he told the big lie and got away with it, he now lies all the time about everything and to everyone. His lying (and his being a total slob which is another issue for our marriage lol) and his rages when caught in a lie is causing him all kind of problems at work and with his friends (they've approached me privately to tell me they think he needs help).


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Fidelity is huge. It's my one dealbreaker. I am also a big fan of honesty. I can't tell you what to do biscuitmom, but I can tell you that he needs to definitely change, because a marriage just can't survive without fidelity and honesty. 

Also, any idea what compells him to want to carry on with strippers? Not exactly where most men would stop if they were looking to have a discreet affair. It seems pretty sleazy, and especially unsafe for you. LIL


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## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

Funny thing -the office gossip is he is only one that doesn't go to the strip clubs and doesn't go except in group situations. He is usually shy and kind of prudish about those things. However, he has this need to be very manly around men and prove himself and so he would never not go if it meant looking less a man.

The internet relationships bother me most. It's been a recurring issue. I think it's an ego stroking thing myself but I can't be sure and I don't know why all the secrecy. I do know he has a hero complex and falls easily for damsels in distress (though I'm not allowed to be that damsel).


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