# Is it always 50% the betrayed spouse's fault?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

After having read so much on here about WHY spouses cheat, I was wondering how many betrayed spouses have been told, when asking "why?", that it was nothing to do with them, nothing they did or didn't do, like my H has said to me.

It is so often said on here that it was the WS's responsibility 100% for the cheating but each spouse is 50% responsible for the state of the marriage. I have also been told personally that my H MUST have been unhappy to look elsewhere, that something wasn't right.

He is adamant that what he did was to do with him, and has said he is happy with me, he wouldn't change anything. I wonder how the people who say there must have been something wrong view this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

you may or may not have done anything that made him feel not happy BUT...
its ALWAYS the cheaters fault 100% whether to do nothing about not being happy, leaving or cheating.

about the marriage being 50% each person, you can only control yourself and what you do but the cheater has 100% control if they decide to cheat.

some people are just cheaters and no matter what a spouse does they still get cheated on.

its not your fault he decided to cheat.
he could have decided just as easily to keep it in his pants or to leave first.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

Reason I know it wasnt my husbands fault I cheated is although looking at it now the marriage had long since been over there is nothing he could have done to push me to cheat.

cheating was my fault not his. I simply didnt have the guts to tell him to leave, and found a guy online to have an EA with.

It was my fault not my H's. Just because things are bad does not mean one party or the other needs to cheat.

cheating is 100% choice


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So first off, I'm the one that cheated in my marriage. And yes, I believe that in my marriage, there is pretty equal blame in my marriage that lead me to cheat. For my part, I don't think I pushed hard enough to get her to fully realize how much her behavior was hurting us and how close it was pushing us to the brink of something, and for her, her unwillingness to even attempt to change her behavior.

But I don't believe that's the case ALL the time. I do think there are opportunistic cheaters, who cheat simply because they can (100% of the relationship problems on the cheating spouse). There's also cases (I believe) where the spouse who cheated did everything they could to change the relationship and the other spouse simply refused to see or deal with the problem (100% of the problems on the loyal spouse).

But I do agree that the cheating spouse always owns the decision to cheat 100%. They have two options, if nothing else. Cheat or leave. And for whatever reason, they chose cheat.

C


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Cheating spouse owns the behavior.

Loyal spouse left wondering what they "should have" done.

Let's put it this way, if you find yourself asking for reassurance all the time? Watch out.

You have to ask yourself "why" you're asking to be reassured.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I was the BS... but I believe there's something to the difference in *believing* the WS was totally happy before their A and *knowing* they were happy. That's maybe as much as the difference in doing nothing wrong vs. not doing everything totally right... mostly communicating in total honest, transparent, intimate (not sexual, just connected) ways.

I certainly believed she was happy, but also know it could have been better. NO excuse to cheat, and she has validated there was nothing *wrong* nor any fault of mine. Doesn't make it excuseable in any way.

What I'm trying to work toward (unsuccessfuly this far, 10+ weeks after DDay) is that assigning percentage of blame doesn't matter looking backward, it's about what to do going forward from both parties. One or both might need to change. Agreement on that is maybe true first step 1 to successful R...?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I was the cheater also in an EA and I told my wife that it had nothing to do with her and it didn't. I told my AP continuously that my wife is a wonderful person and that I was very happily married, she'd ask me, "then why are you here?" I'd say, "I don't know." The thing is I was wrong, I wasn't happily married - I was contentedly married, which it turns out is not what my wife or I wanted. Post my A my wife and I both realized that we had stopped acting like we were in love, the flirting was gone. We have brought it back plus and are better now than we've ever been, and we both comment that we can't believe we let our relationship get that way. We're even more amazed that neither of us realized it until my affair hit us both in the face with it. The affair was my fault 100%, the fact that our marriage had arrived somewhere that neither my wife nor I wanted is I guess either 100% both our faults or 0% both our faults. 

In what I've always thought was a little bit of irony when I told my AP goodbye and that there would be no more contact she asked me how I could do that to her. I told her it wasn't about her, and again it wasn't - it was about my wife and the promises I made to her that despite my recent transgressions I intend to keep. She didn't like hearing that any better than my wife or the OP.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

PBear said:


> So first off, I'm the one that cheated in my marriage. And yes, I believe that in my marriage, there is pretty equal blame in my marriage that lead me to cheat. For my part, I don't think I pushed hard enough to get her to fully realize how much her behavior was hurting us and how close it was pushing us to the brink of something, and for her, her unwillingness to even attempt to change her behavior.
> 
> But I don't believe that's the case ALL the time. I do think there are opportunistic cheaters, who cheat simply because they can (100% of the relationship problems on the cheating spouse). There's also cases (I believe) where the spouse who cheated did everything they could to change the relationship and the other spouse simply refused to see or deal with the problem (100% of the problems on the loyal spouse).
> 
> ...


the only part i agree with here is the last paragraph.
if youre going to cheat, do the right thing and leave first.
if you dont and you cheat while with the spouse, 100% cheaters decision and 100% cheaters fault no matter the circumstances leading there.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> the only part i agree with here is the last paragraph.
> if youre going to cheat, do the right thing and leave first.
> if you dont and you cheat while with the spouse, 100% cheaters decision and 100% cheaters fault no matter the circumstances leading there.


The way I read it, the original question had to do with the state of the marriage prior to cheating. Not the decision to cheat. And that's what I was answering. I fully and 100% own my decision to cheat, and I'll have to live with that.

C


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

PBear said:


> The way I read it, the original question had to do with the state of the marriage prior to cheating. Not the decision to cheat. And that's what I was answering. I fully and 100% own my decision to cheat, and I'll have to live with that.
> 
> C


ok, sorry.
when i first read it this part


> There's also cases (I believe) where the spouse who cheated did everything they could to change the relationship and the other spouse simply refused to see or deal with the problem (100% of the problems on the loyal spouse).


sounded like you were trying to put the blame of the cheating on the loyal.
my apologies


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> ok, sorry.
> when i first read it this part
> 
> 
> ...


No apologies necessary. I was just saying that in some cases, the spouse who cheated has done absolutely everything can to "fix" the marriage, and the loyal spouse simply refuses to either see the problem or fix anything. The "blame" for the state of the marriage would be 100% on the loyal spouse. Take for example, a man who abuses his wife emotionally and physically. Eventually the wife finds a sympathetic man who consoles her, and it turns physical. The problems with the marriage prior to the cheating might be considered 100% on the abusive husband. But the wife is still 100% responsible for the cheating. She could have (should have) left the marriage first.

C


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

PBear said:


> No apologies necessary. I was just saying that in some cases, the spouse who cheated has done absolutely everything can to "fix" the marriage, and the loyal spouse simply refuses to either see the problem or fix anything. The "blame" for the state of the marriage would be 100% on the loyal spouse. Take for example, a man who abuses his wife emotionally and physically. Eventually the wife finds a sympathetic man who consoles her, and it turns physical. The problems with the marriage prior to the cheating might be considered 100% on the abusive husband. But the wife is still 100% responsible for the cheating. She could have (should have) left the marriage first.
> 
> C


my thoughts exactly


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

RWB said:


> PBear, no offense, you have every right to your opinion.... BUT,
> 
> If a marriage is so bad, physical, emotional abuse, whatever the reason, then call the police, divorce, run away, file for a restraining order, just leave and get away. You are justifying unfaithfulness because of abuse, Cmon, seriously.
> 
> ...


see this part



> a man who abuses his wife emotionally and physically. Eventually the wife finds a sympathetic man who consoles her, and it turns physical. The problems with the marriage prior to the cheating might be considered 100% on the abusive husband.* But the wife is still 100% responsible for the cheating. She could have (should have) left the marriage first.*


at first i thought he was saying the same as you think he is.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

No. My experience is that H was a player from the get go. Sometimes cheaters get married in order to have someone to cheat on. Because it is a control issue and they can get more sex and sometimes have a better financial status as well as a good cover for being able to safely approach more gullible and naive women who think he's a decent, helpful, trustworthy guy they can turn to with their troubles and concerns, and then 'fall in love' by accident and OMG I'm such a homebreaker they think. Must keep secret. Not really sure what my husband's score is. It's looking fairly high these days. Getting dumped by the wife during deployment will probably get him an all-time high. Last deployment it was only a gf that dumped him, and not really dumped because she's the one he was arranging for be-bop with, about 15 years later (last year). 

Can't see how I could be to blame for that. 
He lied to me from the get go about not being in another intimate relationship for at least a year. I'm not sure about what sleeping naked overnight next to someone counts for, in my book it is intimate.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Plain and simple a cheater who does it in SECRET is 100% responsible if there is no abuse..but only the dynamics of a relationship determine the percentage of the reason WHY their is cheating by a spouse.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

MyTwoGirls said:


> Plain and simple a cheater who does it in SECRET is 100% responsible..but only the dynamics of a relationship determine the percentage of the reason WHY their is cheating by a spouse.


what if the cheater doesnt bother being secretive? 
then does it become 50/50? :scratchhead:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

walkingwounded, 

Do you know my husband? or maybe our husbands know each other? My WH spoke those exact words to me !

~sammy


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best..that is when the dynamics of the relationship enter the percentage equation...It is different for every relationship...but secretly cheating=100% fault of cheater IF there is no abuse.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Let me clarify: what I am discussing is the WS stating their cheating was nothing to do with their unhappiness in their marriage, that they were/are happy in their marriage, with their spouse.

I automatically assumed my H was seeking out something that was missing or lacking. He says not, he says our marriage was good, but that he liked knowing he'd still "got it." He liked the feeding of the ego she gave him, and this is with him also saying he felt I gave him that ego boost, a lot. I made him feel good and he wanted to know he could get that from another woman.

I am speculating on how often a WS cheats even when they say there was nothing wrong at home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Let me clarify: what I am discussing is the WS stating their cheating was nothing to do with their unhappiness in their marriage, that they were/are happy in their marriage, with their spouse.
> 
> I automatically assumed my H was seeking out something that was missing or lacking. He says not, he says our marriage was good, but that he liked knowing he'd still "got it." He liked the feeding of the ego she gave him, and this is with him also saying he felt I gave him that ego boost, a lot. I made him feel good and he wanted to know he could get that from another woman.
> 
> ...


You can count me in that category. It took the end of my EA and the subsequent heavy lifting and soul searching to realize that my marriage wasn't perfect like I had believed it to be. I really did think my marriage was close to perfect the day before my affair started.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

It was 50/50. I was in sort of my own personal fog thinking I was a great wife. When I climb off my defensive horse...reality sinks in and i know I was just a fabulous wife on the surface but raged with conflict and resentment on the deeper levels. I pushed my husband away. I made it so hard for him to connect with me that it was either divorce me and break my heart or seek temporary comfort from someone who showed him more compassion and caring than I ever could. He never stopped loving me...but he loved himself too. I guess his love for himself will always win over his love for me. sometimes it simply is not as black and white as people here seem to paint it. The choices are much more complicated than : "stay and work on it faithfully or leave". 

I dont need anyone to agree with me and I don't need to be attacked for my opinion...bc that's really all it is...my opinion as a betrayed spouse. 

I expect my husband to take responsibility for his mistakes. I have to take responsibility for mine too. Every action I take has direct consequences on my marital vital signs. I can't put all the responsibility on someone who was only half of the relationship. If it takes two for a relationship to work...logic dictates it also takes two for the relationship to fail. 

Unless they're a serial cheater and just need psychological help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

W-
I'm not sure what the % are but I believe infidelity is a by product of a problematic marriage.
Granted there are some that are perfect spouse's they just married spouses' with bad charcters flaws.
In my marraige yes we both had bad behaviors that lead to a problematic marraige, but the dicisions my spouse made was a direct result of her own choice.

I'm not sure what to take on your marriage...did he cheat b/c he has an ego problem or did he cheat b/c you didn't boost his ego? Well lets just keep it simply.... he cheated b/c he made a choice to cheat.

The problematic marriage can still be argued..did you boost his ego enough or did he have an ego problem? Who knows... how great would it have been if the ego issue would have beed discussed before the affair. Then all would have been good.

So my question, how many times did your H ask you to boost his ego?

And If he did why didn't you do it?


The scary thing is maybe you were boosting his ego and he cheated any way.

The positive thing here is, you didn't boost his ego and even belittled him and he cheated, well the the *both* of you now have something to build on, and theres nothing scary about that!


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## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

I also wonder about the influence of the mid-life crisis.

Many people who post based on their ages would fall in to that category.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

To me I find this whole process amazing. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever dream reality to be as after infidelity ! The personal growth is scary, soul-searching, gut renting, fearful..., I hope, it will be in time, a rewarding, encouraging,and fearlessness process too. But, for now, I am still numb.

To answer the question, Is it 50% of the betrayed spouse's fault ?Yeah, maybe so,in hindsight .

~sammy


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> W-
> I'm not sure what the % are but I believe infidelity is a by product of a problematic marriage.
> Granted there are some that are perfect spouse's they just married spouses' with bad charcters flaws.
> In my marraige yes we both had bad behaviors that lead to a problematic marraige, but the dicisions my spouse made was a direct result of her own choice.
> ...


I *did* boost his ego. Without him asking. I was always complimentary about him in many ways. He said in MC I built him up, always made him feel good about himself. I gave him a HUGE ego apparently! He said his ego got huge and he craved that attention from outside the marriage. I guess as confirmation maybe? Or once the ego had landed, it needed feeding more and more. The almost funny thing is, the way I dealt with his EA, by gauging my attractiveness by the attention I got from other men, is how he acts all the time now. I don't know what to make of tbat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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