# did something crazy!! (stupid?) but I feel great !!



## kosta (Jul 22, 2010)

First time posting,
but have been reading all the great advice here for over 1 year. Here goes my situation...
I married my college sweetheart while studying in Milan Italy in 1985. We got engaged after 2 years and she moved back to America with me 2 years later, we married 5 years later.She found a good job as a interior designer and has done very well since then.I also hold a good engineering job, we have lived a good life, we have one boy 14 and one girl 11 all was going great, built a house, vacation to Milan every year, and her parents spend 1 month with us during holidays for the last 15 years.
About 5 years ago, I didnt like the fact that she was going to business meetings with a male co worker wich they had to drive 5-6 hours together once a month ,and sometimes come home at 1 in the morning, due to the long drive etc... I brought up my feelings, and I ended up looking like a insecure fool, and so I convinced myself I was being silly, it is in fact her job etc...

2 years ago I saw some text messages on her phone while she was baking with her mother ( they were visiting on holidays) I was in the basement, the text wrote "Baby,cant wait for the holidays to end, maybe we can have a business trip together if the Boss stops being so ****en cheap" (sorry for swearing, thats exactly what it said) I wrote back saying, "dont worry , Im sure it will hapen soon" He never replied, and I fealt horrible, and ashamed, I was thinking, maybe it is "just the business trip" and my mind was playing games on me. Then I was thinking how much I screwed up, if she ever found out I rsponded to her message that was innocent etc.. But deep inside I had a gut feeling....nothing became of the message.
We use to be a weekend family, every weekend we would go to the lake with the family, I would fish with my son, and we had a great time. The last year or so, she was giving me hints that the kids are getting a little older, and maybe are a little bored with the weekend activities etc... and she wouldnt mind alone time as it would be good for me also, I can hang with my friends a bit more, and she can shop with her friends etc... I looked at it that maybe she was right, actualy even looked forward to it.
My gut feeling always was way way back in my mind, but never ever allowed it to be an issue, just thought it was my insecurities with having a georgeous wife.
Well,last December I let my guilt aside one day and decided to check her email account and phone records, honestly to give myself releif thinking that I was 99.9 % sure there was nothing going on, and it was in my head.
Im sure you guessed it, full blown pa !! for how long I have no clue, but probably from back then when they started the business trips. email 1 out of over 300...Him " sweetey, I cant stop thinking of you, last night I was on my wife and fealt like screaming your name!!! see you saturday, love you !!"
she replies: " baby dont tell me about times with your wife, although I love you thinking of me, saturday we will have all afternoon, and I will take care of my baby"
I freaked out !!!! was soooooo hurt and outraged, didnt know what to do, but reading this forum for so long (being suspicious) i got myself under control and decided not to say anything... Divorce was in my mind with no return, and I wanted to do it right. I never ever cheated on this women,we still talk for hours and laugh ,watch movies,sex 3-5 times a week etc.... 
I have a great relationship with my father in law, drink together on weekends when hes here, laugh, dirty jokes etc... I decided to confront him on all of this in 10 days when he will arrive. I explained the situation , but not the texts.he gets up and starts screaming !!! How dare you accuse my baby and so on !! I said please keep it down, I dont want them to hear, I trust you, and wanted to talk about it... He told me off, and runs to his wife upstairs " our son in law is telling me my daughter is a ***** !!! I want out of here now!! " I stayed downstairs, she comes running down, asking what the hell this is about etc... I asked her "maybe you should tell us" and she starts screaming " how dare you,just because you are insecure, dosnt give you the right to tell my father lies" " All of the sudden Im in my house with 3 people who look at me as some evil intruder. I get up and leave with the car ( the kids were at a christmas sleepover)
I come home 2 hours later reading a note on the door, "get a room . you need help" no one answers phone etc... sorry for such a long story...
Next day I call her, explaining how sorry I am, and I know I am insecure and I will make an appointment with a counselor etc.. she excepts, but father and mother in law dont want any part of me, they are sleeping in the basement, and I get the silent treatment for 10 days in my own house!!
The last email I read tuesday, stated ######## hotel , room number 214 on saturday afternoon is booked. She also explained the whole scenario with him, and hes telling her, to be more careful and to give me more comfort that its in my mind etc... 
Im now thinking that maybe she wont go thru with it since Im suspicious etc... but she writes back the next day , telling him all ok for saturday, but it will have to be for an hour or so, because she will leave her mother at the mall.
I immediately call my brother who lives 10 hours away, he sells electronic devices etc... and he is also outraged. He tells me he will set up cameras etc.. in the room , Im like whoa !!! this is maybe to far etc... He says " no way, dont let this ##### get away with this crap. I didnt like the fact that some people mite be staying in the room before my wife, and we will record, he explains that he will set it to start recording at check in time saturday, this all seems like a detective movie, but I am so outraged Im willing to go with it.
At home all is well with wife, she cuddled against me to watch a movie "fealt like holding my enemy" but I played along.
My brother arrives on thursday, and that room is not vacant until monday, he tells me were breaking in thru the balcony, I wanted no part of it, so he says he will handle it etc... This is all making me nervous, its totaly out of my realm. Brother goes and does it bye himself. ( he is a former detective) I just was too embaressed to tell him before, until I gathered all the info.
well fast forward, my porn queen !! not exactly the clearest video, but good enough for even a nun to know. what a porn star !!! bravo !! what a show, should of seen her !!bravo !!!
I go home, god knows how i didnt burst !!? I had a mission, and didnt want to ruin it in the end. Father and mother in law in the kitchen, barely a hello, and my porn queen kissed me and asked if I wanted to take pictures around the tree etc...
I mentioned that i found a video of all of us in milan from way back and maybe it would be fun to all watch,my porn star is all smiles, and says "cmon mom dad it will be fun" they reluctingly came to the family room, i had the dvd in, and the remote in my pocket, I hit play! the show begins, I go downstairs take my car and my trunk full of things and head to my parents. 
Father in law calls me 20 minutes later 3 times, I dont answer, I left her a message that my attorney will contact her first business day in january. I dont know why, all this hurt, all this anger, somehow deep inside I was smiling. I couldnt beleive myself. I had to write this, because during the hardest times, I never wrote, but this site was my sanity. thank you


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

Wow !!! just wow !!
I guess you made up your mind it was unrepairable. Dont know if I could blame you. What happend since then? divorced? Father in law ever contact you? wow.. the children?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

WOW!  

I don't even know what to say. Did all this just happen? It sounds like it was back at the beginning of the year. I am ... stunned.


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## kosta (Jul 22, 2010)

all this was during the last holidays, I am filed for divorce, she feels we should try and work it out etc...that she was out of character etc.... Im not having it, maybe I am not strong enough, I dont know, but just those images make me feel like cringing even if she comes 100 feet from me. She was and is a great mother, and so the children I feel are better off with her, The home is mine, and when the kids move out, so does she. I have my kids every other weekend and 2 times during weekdays, I bought a condo within 10 minutes just for this purpose. 
She calls me at least 2 times a day since then, always using the children as an excuse, then trying to turn the conversation about us, I tell her everytime, there is no us, and as soon as the conversation has nothing to do with the children, there is no conversation.
All these years I made myself believe I was insecure, I now believe I was just listening to my gut, so I feel very confident, my life will be and is great. she knows it and it is killing her. I dont get pleasure out of her pain, but no one sympathised with me all this time.
her father and mother call me 2-4 times a month, just trying to get us back together, I told them both, they are grandparents to my children, always will be, he will be my friend, but there daughter and me will never ever be one again. Her parents now only call her just to speak to the kids. so sad , we had it all, and actualy when I say Im happy , its happy to overcome all this for me, but definately not happy how my life turned out. I will be strong, and date in the future, but for now I am enjoying learning me more, and excited to find out how the new me will lead me.
I was actualy thinking, people who financialy cant do what I have done, must be living in true horror, I wish them power and strength.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

My God, 
It's such a shame that some people just have no respect for their partners, she was having and affair without any guilt or remorse. 
She was your wife and the mother of your children, I guess that wasn't all that important to her....
I bet the 3 of them watching the video, were shocked beyond belief.......what did she expect..........crazy yes.....it felt good even for a moment.......WOW!!!!
What happened since that day?
Are you alright?
Post here for support......lots of great understanding folks here


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

good for you man, i love your outlook


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

kosta, 
I'm glad you are surviving all this crap that was forced on you and I think you have taken back control of your life.....
I hope you find happiness and it does sound like you are finished with your marriage and the kind of woman you were married to....
She does sound remorseful but she must know that what she did has changed who you are and that you are now protecting yourself from anymore pain she could dish out......
Maybe with more time you can find it in your heart to have her as a friend for your children's sake.....just a thought, easier for your kids............be kind to yourself.......((((hugs))))))


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## kosta (Jul 22, 2010)

To be honest, when I use the word happy, I guess its not happy what Im going thru, maybe relief would be a better word, I am relieved that I feel stronger, that I have confidence again. sad thing is, I still love that women, but that women is dead in my mind. So basicaly I love the past about that women. I would of probably tried to work things out, but in no way after seeing the video, and the time with her father and me got into it. I feel she should of sat down with me and explained all at that exact moment, but she probably fealt there is no way I have evidence and she used it against me. The jelousy and pain at that moment, became anger and pay back for me. To be honest it did me good, because I was hurting, and doubting myself for the longest time, that moment I fealt closure. 
Her best friend ran into me about 3 months ago, she explained that she loves my ex, but she had nothing against me and she actualy told my ex I had a right, she also claims she had no clue about all of this, dosnt matter if she did or didnt for me .she also told me how devastated my ex was, and she wants nothing more than to get me back. and that she is constantly asking if Im seeing someone etc... I get a high knowing she is feeling this way, but the real me feels thats immature to think that way. guess I just want my pay back, wich I truly feel is wrong, but thats what I feel, really cant control it.
her porn co star even had the guts to call me ( Im sure she put him up to it) and explain that it was all on him, and that he was always the initiater etc...that my ex always talked about me, and maybe he took advantage of her insecurities etc... basicaly that she always was crazy about me. I told him why dont you go tell that to your wife? He says to leave his wife out of it, I told him exact words "**** head , I gave your wife the video in person about 3 weeks ago , I hope you guys enjoy watching porn together" he hung up the phone. They are now divorced, and I dont know anything what became of him. His ex is actualy a lovely women, and we had lunch about 5 times since then, but nothing like that. I think we helped eachother immensley. so all in all, happy is not what happend to me.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Wow! What a story! I absolutely love how you handled the whole situation. You're right, having the financial means does open up a lot more avenues. I only wish I could have had the backbone to do what you did when my spouse first started his partying and affairs. 

Hang in there and keep us updated.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Here it is, man, I'm going to hang it right out there. I usually do encourage people to try to reconcile after an affair, but in your shoes not only is it completely understandable, it's your moral right to say "I'm done. We are divorcing. Period." 

When a disloyal spouse is confronted with "evidence" they rarely confess and end it on-the-spot (hey...some deny or pretend it wasn't an affair for years into recovery), but what they don't realize is that the whole time they are hiding and telling their loyal spouse "It's nothing! We're just friends!' or "It's you--you're just insecure" or "You need help--you're paranoid" that the loyal spouse is getting one message in their gut and another from their spouse and the loyal is doubting themselves and thinking they can not trust THEMSELVES!

When we tell people to "gather evidence" it's not evidence to present to your disloyal spouse so they break down and confess to you "THE TRUTH"...it's evidence to confirm to the loyal that they CAN trust themselves and their instinct. Even if the disloyal denies (and 99% of the time they do) it is an ENORMOUS RELIEF to know that you were not nuts, it wasn't all in your head, you're not having mental health issues--you can trust YOU.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

What she did was way over the top. I would consider it mental abuse at minimum and possibly torture at worse. In truth, the greatest revenge will be you being happy and then eventually finding someone else to love. Best of luck. Stay strong.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Love doesn't just disappear. We can't will it away, which is the reason it's so good that you are following your logical mind and not your emotions. Good for you! I know it is extremely difficult and excruciatingly painful, but just remember your feelings are normal - all of them.

I'm very curious to know if your in-laws apologized to you. They BOTH owed it to you. I bet they did, but was it sincere and just how apologetic were they? They should still be begging your forgiveness these many months later.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Wow that's some story! 

Much to learn and think on, especially around trusting your gut instincts and keeping your cool.

I wish you many happy times and I am sure you will approach building a new life for yourself with the same strength and positivity you have shown this far. 

Good luck Kosta.


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## kosta (Jul 22, 2010)

As far as the in laws, yes they did apologize, 100's of times!,This christmas they are staying with me. I was very surprised that they asked , I guess there not ready to fix there relationship with there daughter just yet, or maybe a last shot for them to try to convince me, time will tell.
What really eats me inside is "the other women" . I gave her a video of her husband and my wife, they seperated immediately and now are divorced. I am thinking back now, and I feel a bit guilty, why should she have that image stuck in her mind, maybe i could of just shown her some texts etc... I would hate to think they could of saved there marriage, and the video etc.. was what ruined it for her. When we did meet, she told me numerous times, that she never suspected anything. I am now thinking out of pay pack to him, I got her also. so much stuff!!


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

I can see how your mind is whirling around !! But you have the right attitude, I think within time the anger will fizzle down, wich will help you with all the other things in your life. I see what your saying with the "other victim", tough call.. on one hand you saved her from living a lie, yet maybe they could of repaired, who knows. I think that was the last thing on your mind at the time, and the "good person" in you is bringing all of this up now. I would concentrate on "me" now, and she will be doing the same. good luck, keep us posted.


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## kosta (Jul 22, 2010)

Thanks everyone for the support, it means alot to me thank you !!
I wanted to mention, I wish I had my brother watch the video, and just told me "yes its what you thought", for anyone thinking about doing such a thing, the visual aspect will do you more harm ( at least it did me) than is needed. I have those images over and over, its horrible. If I saw a video of my ex having sex last night, I would honestly care less, and it wouldnt phase me one bit. But at that time she was my "wife" , I wish I never ever had to see that, my brother saying "they did it would of been enough".


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I was going to ask if you shared the video with the other man's wife, but I see you addressed that last night. You did the right thing; you probably saved her many years of agony. She needed to know! I am curious if adultery plays into the divorce proceedings in you state, or do you live in a no fault state? You definitely had the ultimate proof.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

kosta, 
I wanted to address the video and the OM's wife also viewing it, I know it came as a shock to her and her marriage is now over because of her husband's affair with your wife.
By showing her the video it left no doubt for her whats so ever...she was able to make her decision with the facts not just your word and his lies what really happened.....It would have been more confusing for her with just hearsay and her cheating husband's word......
At least your respected her as a person and she had the right to have all the facts, it was her life as well....
I'm glad you have made things right with your inlaws even though I'm sure that is a little strange at this point....
I hope some day all the anger you feel will go away and that someday you will trust another woman enough to have a happy relationship with....
I know it's so strange to still love a woman that has hurt you like this but I understand, it wasn't you that fell out of love.....
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that feeling......
Someday maybe you can be friends again, like I said for the kids sake......


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Wow is all I can say. Doubt I would have done the video thing. Wouldn't want to see my wife like that even if I already knew via the text. I doubt you would have done it if her parents didn't react that way and then she tried to play you like your an idiot. Hopefully I won't ever have to make that decision. Good luck to you and your kids.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Awesome just like in the movies! lol


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I wanted to commend you and ask about your in-laws, so I didn't ask about the questions I have. I hope you don't mind.

1. When your father-in-law blew up and your wife denied the accusation, why did you not show them the texts at that time? You spent a lot of days being ostracized in your own home instead of showing them the proof you had.

2. You left with your packed trunk. How did no one see you packing your things? How did your wife not notice any of your belongings missing from their usual spot?

3. I was curious to know how you contacted the OM's wife. How'd you find out who he was and where they lived? I know you said they worked together, but did you know his full name and everything already?


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## kosta (Jul 22, 2010)

susan 2010 good questions...
1. I didnt show them the texts at the time father in law blew up, because I just knew she was going to say " it was just a joke, all of us in the office joke, stop being so paranoid etc.. " or something like that, and reading all the stuff and excuses with text messages on here, I fealt this time I was going to play stupid and really catch her red handed. Trust me I wanted so bad at the time, but I just fealt all or nothing this time. If that makes sense..
2. When I say packed trunk, I dont mean a trunk as in a luggage trunk, I meant my car trunk, files for my work, clothes for at least a week , basic neccesary belongings that I would need immediately. The big stuff came, after my brother and some friends of mine went there and did me the favor.
3. They have a company picnic every year, I have attended 7 times if i remember correct. I know who he is what what he looks like, just dont really know him personaly, just a hand shake "nice to see you again etc.." The secretary at the company is a friend of mine (male) even went fishing with him over 10 times thru the years, I simply asked him for this guys home number, he gave it to me, now if he suspected or not I didnt know, and simply didnt care,he gave me the number with no questions asked.


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