# Give Or Taken



## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

I read these lines today in a another post made me wonder.Could it be the way it is that all LD people feel that sex is taken from them.That they have no desire to give it.In my case I am HD wife is LD Seems like when we have sex my wife feels like I have taken something from her instead of she"s giving something.I don't feel she is of the mind set of { Tonight I am going to give it to you real good } Always feels like I took something from her??? Know what I mean


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I have no idea how the brain of a LD person works and no desire to try and work it out anymore.

I have a huge desire to give, give, give to my partner. Getting, giving it has to be a two way thing, there has to be passion, want and need in sex. Those that don't feel this can't give so I guess some of them will feel like it has been taken from them.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's all part of the control game...."Maybe I have to give you a little something, but I'll make damned sure that you know I resent it and I'll snatch away the last crumb of joy from your dying mouth." That's fine, she's just telling you who she is.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Wonder what they expected when they got married? Is there any body out there who thought they weren't going to be expected to have sex when they got married??? Unless you were a virgin you knew full well whether or not you could meet that expectation. Even if you were a virgin you knew what was expected. so you really should get yourself to a sex therapist if you want stay married. 

It so unfair to the other spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It ought to be a major felony and these fraudulent withholders should be thrown in the darkest recesses of the nastiest prison for all of eternity (or at least until they've served 5 years for every year of withholding "married" life).


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> It ought to be a major felony and these fraudulent withholders should be thrown in the darkest recesses of the nastiest prison for all of eternity (or at least until they've served 5 years for every year of withholding "married" life).


OK I am here to say that I actually have no regrets from my past marriage. It took me many years to finally have the courage to stand up and end it but the life lessons I have learnt are invaluable.
I am now so in control of my life, know what I will and will not put up with and am the happiest I have ever been.

I still like my ex, he is a good guy. I feel sorry for him that he had such a crappy example from his parents. It isn't his fault he is LD, he isn't a nasty person, he doesn't deserve to be punished. I have fully forgiven him as I don't believe he did anything intentionally, he did not understand what was happening and why.

There is no point in being angry at the LD, they are who they are and some don't understand who they really are.
The ones that marry a HD person knowing full well they are not going to be compatible are the bad ones, chuck them in gaol


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I have no problem with people being LD, asexual, homosexual, or a basket of plastic fruit. If they enter into a marriage contract, however, certain things are required. If they can't fulfill the terms of the contract, they shouldn't enter into it. If they find out after the contract that they can't perform, they should end the contract. If I accepted a job as a tight-rope walker knowing I was afraid of heights, I'd be a fraud and every paycheck I signed would be a theft. If I accepted the job in good faith and found out I couldn't perform, I have the obligation to get my head screwed on straight or leave the job. Again, if I kept cashing those unearned paychecks, I'd be a thief. Accepting the benefits of marriage while refusing to participate is very much like keeping another human in slavery. That's illegal in this country and immoral everywhere.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It is not that simple. Both parties to a marriage can end it so some responsibility is also on the shoulders of the HD partner.
You can't compare it to a job, there are often children involved and love and all the other crap that goes along with it.

I take full responsibility for not ending my marriage sooner, could have done it 5 years earlier but I choose to stay put. So then maybe I should go to goal too?
But again I have no regrets, it is what it is, I made choices and have to own them.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Holland said:


> It is not that simple. Both parties to a marriage can end it so some responsibility is also on the shoulders of the HD partner.
> You can't compare it to a job, there are often children involved and love and all the other crap that goes along with it.
> 
> I take full responsibility for not ending my marriage sooner, could have done it 5 years earlier but I choose to stay put. So then maybe I should go to goal too?
> But again I have no regrets, it is what it is, I made choices and have to own them.


Not buying this. If your LD husband knew he was LD he should expose that fact, that he didn't need much sex to be happy. So you go in knowing he didn't need much so don't expect much.
If you were his first, then he have responsibility to try to fix the problem with a counselor or something. But to just think that you gone stay married and have sex once a month or less is just not acceptable or fair to the other person. It's like that LD person is saying, hey, I didn't know I was LD, deal with it. 

No, YOU deal with it. Even little old naive me knew that was an expectation in marriage that I would have to fulfill, and so would my H. And sex was NOT all that great before we were married (because of outside circumstances), but I just loved him enough to still get married and go with it.

Lucky for me that was just the cliff note version !


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

That's OK committed, it is not your story to buy or not buy. I am fully at peace with my past marriage and divorce. Like everyone, my story is so much more than a few words that can be put down here. 
We actually had a great sex life to start with, I was an exciting and different person for him, he became HD for some years but fell back to his natural level. By then we had kids, business, living OS blah blah.
Now looking back I see what and how it all happened and do not lay the full blame with either of us.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Holland said:


> That's OK committed, it is not your story to buy or not buy. I am fully at peace with my past marriage and divorce. Like everyone, my story is so much more than a few words that can be put down here.
> We actually had a great sex life to start with, I was an exciting and different person for him, he became HD for some years but fell back to his natural level. By then we had kids, business, living OS blah blah.
> Now looking back I see what and how it all happened and do not lay the full blame with either of us.


Holland, you are right, I apologize for saying that. It was definite your story and you are the only one who know everything about it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks committed but there is no need to apologise, this is a one dimensional form of communication and it is hard to get the whole picture.
TBH at the start I had a huge amount of resentment towards my ex, why didn't he try harder? But 3 years down the track and I am at peace, doesn't mean that what happened is OK it just means that I have found peace from forgiveness. It has allowed both of us to get on with our new lives and to be able to co parent as well as we do.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I have no problem with people being LD, asexual, homosexual, or a basket of plastic fruit. If they enter into a marriage contract, however, certain things are required. If they can't fulfill the terms of the contract, they shouldn't enter into it. If they find out after the contract that they can't perform, they should end the contract. If I accepted a job as a tight-rope walker knowing I was afraid of heights, I'd be a fraud and every paycheck I signed would be a theft. If I accepted the job in good faith and found out I couldn't perform, I have the obligation to get my head screwed on straight or leave the job. Again, if I kept cashing those unearned paychecks, I'd be a thief. Accepting the benefits of marriage while refusing to participate is very much like keeping another human in slavery. That's illegal in this country and immoral everywhere.


Amein! :smthumbup::iagree:


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Holland said:


> ...There is no point in being angry at the LD, they are who they are and some don't understand who they really are.
> The ones that marry a HD person knowing full well they are not going to be compatible are the bad ones, chuck them in gaol


Amein to that also :smthumbup: but please don't sentence me to death.. I promise I will work harder.. :rofl:


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Holland said:


> I have no idea how the brain of a LD person works and no desire to try and work it out anymore.
> 
> I have a huge desire to give, give, give to my partner. Getting, giving it has to be a two way thing, there has to be passion, want and need in sex. Those that don't feel this can't give so I guess some of them will feel like it has been taken from them.


OK ,Here's the deal It seems my L D wife always feels she doing it for me as if a favor,Or I have to earn it.Its a reward for being a good guy to her.But really she's not giving me anything ? I am giving it to her and getting very little back.She is so funny,She saids how could you be horny you just got laid four days ago.In my house its like you work yourself up to the front of the line and you get laid , Then its to the back of the bus until next time.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

All I know is my LD wife can live without it and can live with the strain it causes. I realized I had to occupy my mind with other thoughts, do things that make me happy. I do not consider her feelings about what I do, that's one of the many concessions that she has to live with in a sexless marriage.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Just Wondering said:


> I read these lines today in a another post made me wonder.Could it be the way it is that all LD people feel that sex is taken from them.That they have no desire to give it.In my case I am HD wife is LD Seems like when we have sex my wife feels like I have taken something from her instead of she"s giving something.I don't feel she is of the mind set of { Tonight I am going to give it to you real good } Always feels like I took something from her??? Know what I mean


That phrase describes perfectly how I felt about sex during my LD years. That it was something Dh was taking from me. That it was something that I as a person had nothing to do with, he just wanted to use my body. It didn't even have to be MY body, mine was just the only one he had access to. I would co operate when I had reason to, or when I couldn't get out of it. It didn't occur to me that it was anything I could give him, because it wasn't anything i wanted in return. Men used women, took advantage of them. That is the way the world worked. I didn't resent him for that. It wasn't his fault, it just WAS.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> That phrase describes perfectly how I felt about sex during my LD years. That it was something Dh was taking from me. That it was something that I as a person had nothing to do with, he just wanted to use my body. It didn't even have to be MY body, mine was just the only one he had access to. I would co operate when I had reason to, or when I couldn't get out of it. It didn't occur to me that it was anything I could give him, because it wasn't anything i wanted in return. Men used women, took advantage of them. That is the way the world worked. I didn't resent him for that. It wasn't his fault, it just WAS.


Well it describes my wife as well.Most men are rather simple when it come to sex.Why LD creates a place that is so complexed.Sex is entertaining,Fun,Something to look forward to.Here's the difference in LD and HD I bring home the worlds best rated vib. By Lelo.I say how would you like to try it out tonight.She saids get that out of my house.The HD person would have their pants off in the kitchen???Its by no way a male or female thing.Its HD or LD.As a HD male if my partner came home with a new toy for me.I would not be able to unwrap it fast enough.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Just Wondering said:


> Well it describes my wife as well.Most men are rather simple when it come to sex.Why LD creates a place that is so complexed.Sex is entertaining,Fun,Something to look forward to.Here's the difference in LD and HD I bring home the worlds best rated vib. By Lelo.I say how would you like to try it out tonight.She saids get that out of my house.The HD person would have their pants off in the kitchen???Its by no way a male or female thing.Its HD or LD.As a HD male if my partner came home with a new toy for me.I would not be able to unwrap it fast enough.


If your wife feels threatened by sex and by your sexual advances, then bringing home toys is one of the worst moves you could make. Your upping the ante. You need to take down the pressure, make it so she doesn't feel like you are just trying to use her body for your own physical pleasure. Adding toys just makes it more intimidating.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Just Wondering said:


> I read these lines today in a another post made me wonder.Could it be the way it is that all LD people feel that sex is taken from them.That they have no desire to give it.In my case I am HD wife is LD Seems like when we have sex my wife feels like I have taken something from her instead of she"s giving something.I don't feel she is of the mind set of { Tonight I am going to give it to you real good } Always feels like I took something from her??? Know what I mean


Hmmm, that might have been me you read about on another thread with the "giving vs. taking" issue. After 10 years of struggling with LD I made the realization that I had an issue with why my husband wanted to have sex so much. We'd been happily HD for ten years, but that got disrupted in our 30's by the stress of kids, home ownership, careers, etc. Our relationship suffered and by the time the stress normalized I found that I had trouble having sex with my husband unless I really felt intense physical desire--usually right around the time I'd ovulate. 

I just figured my libido was different, our marriage was different, and because I felt that my H was resentful and mad from some of the changes in our lives, I felt like he couldn't possibly want to have sex with me except for physical release. Similar to what Lady of the Lake describes--I was just the convenient warm body. I didn't feel like he loved me or wanted me except in the sack. 

I felt like he was trying to control my sexuality by wanting me all the time, by not being happy unless he was getting sex. I felt black mailed and pressured, I guess. We'd have sex a few times a month, but it wasn't enough and after a week or so of no sex, he'd be stressed and mad and frustrated. When he'd come to express why he as stressed and mad and frustrated, well, it wouldn't go so well because . . . he was stressed and mad and frustrated. 

I really didn't understand the real reasons he was seeking to have a sex life with me, I suppose. Anyway, after I read some mens' stories on here about what sex with their wives means to them, I finally started to understand. I realized that I could GIVE him something--it didn't have to be pried from me. It was mine to give, not his to take. I remembered what it had been like those first 10 years when we BOTH gave freely and we BOTH accepted freely. 

I have to say it's been perhaps the most important thing I've learned about myself in my adult life. I sometimes wonder if I'd have figured this out if my H would have gone to therapy with me as I'd suggested many times. I ultimately went alone and found a path to happiness for myself, but that didn't help my poor H. 

I don't think LD has one cause and I don't think all LD people have a path to becoming HD. I think it' s a normal state in some people. But I know it wasn't normal for me; I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure it out. 

One more thing: my husband never stopped trying. He brought it up regularly, wanted to work on it, asked me to help him change things, came up with ideas and suggestions and always accepted and enjoyed sex with me when I had the desire. If he had given up, I probably would have been happy to stay LD.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I have no problem with people being LD, asexual, homosexual, or a basket of plastic fruit. If they enter into a marriage contract, however, certain things are required. If they can't fulfill the terms of the contract, they shouldn't enter into it. If they find out after the contract that they can't perform, they should end the contract. If I accepted a job as a tight-rope walker knowing I was afraid of heights, I'd be a fraud and every paycheck I signed would be a theft. If I accepted the job in good faith and found out I couldn't perform, I have the obligation to get my head screwed on straight or leave the job. Again, if I kept cashing those unearned paychecks, I'd be a thief. Accepting the benefits of marriage while refusing to participate is very much like keeping another human in slavery. That's illegal in this country and immoral everywhere.


Then, if you feel that way why don't you just divorce? Nobody wants to be that unhappy and resentful. What keeps you in that marriage?:scratchhead:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

techmom said:


> Then, if you feel that way why don't you just divorce? Nobody wants to be that unhappy and resentful. What keeps you in that marriage?:scratchhead:


I'm not speaking for unbelievable but for me it's been a slow decent to the current bottom. We boinked like rabbits early on, then became synergistic lovers, then kids came along, bigger responsibilities. We became a family unit, and we have a nice gig (other than sex). I'm not about to leave all my stuff and more importantly my three teenage kids because my spouse has gone cold in the sex dept. no I'm not happy about my sexual lot in life and I feel like she has won the war in the intimacy dept, but really I can't continue to worry about it. We travel separately a lot for kids sports and I stay at work as much as I can to minimize alone time with her.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> I'm not speaking for unbelievable but for me it's been a slow decent to the current bottom. We boinked like rabbits early on, then became synergistic lovers, then kids came along, bigger responsibilities. We became a family unit, and we have a nice gig (other than sex). I'm not about to leave all my stuff and more importantly my three teenage kids because my spouse has gone cold in the sex dept. no I'm not happy about my sexual lot in life and I feel like she has won the war in the intimacy dept, but really I can't continue to worry about it. We travel separately a lot for kids sports and I stay at work as much as I can to minimize alone time with her.


Has this killed your passion and drive in other areas?


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