# Wife is a Dancer



## sum1 (Jun 3, 2012)

We've been married for almost a year and have known each other for a lot longer. I knew she was a dancer in stip clubs when we got together and at first it didn't bother me too much, I mean it's just a job, right? It started to bother me after we went on holiday about a year before we got married, we had a few drinks and I got her to give me a lap-dance. Basically I didn't realise how up close it would be, now maybe she was making it a bit raunchier because it was me but I don't know, maybe not! Don't get me wrong, she wasn't doing anything that would be a deal-breaker in our relationship if she did it at work but I can't get it out of my head!

Now, before we got married I let my feelings about her job be perfectly clear, that I wasn't happy with it and that I think she should focus on another career (she is trained in something else that she could easily pursue full time). We argued about it and I was accused of not trusting her etc.

Anyway, a few weeks before we got married we were lying in bed and she had a message come through on her phone, basically one of her dancer friends had given her a number of some guy who organises 'parties' and she had called him. He had emailed her back details of these parties, basically they were sex parties where the girls make the rules and let the guys touch etc. Now, I saw this email and went a bit psycho, I just couldn't understand why she would even contact a place like that in the first place. She said she didn't know what it was until she read that message but I'm not sure, wouldn't her 'friend' have maybe mentioned it?!?

So, we had an arguement about that and also about her customers from the clubs emailing her on a work email address (something I don't quite like either) I don't see why any contact with these people is needed outside of the club? If it's to check when she's working next then the clubs have websites that can tell them this! She said she wouldn't do it anymore and would stop emailing them.

Now, lets fast forward almost a year. She is still dancing, I still hate it, she gets really defensive if I ever say anything against her doing it and to top it all off I know for a fact that she is still emailing one particular customer back. Nothing is said by her in the emails that makes me worry about anything but the point is she promised she wouldn't and she knows what my feelings are on it but she is still doing it behind my back. Also, when we have time off together she spends a LOT of that time on her phone to one of her stripper friends, discussing stripping, Googling new strip clubs, reading online strip magazines etc. 

Last week she even ordered some pheromone stuff because she read somewhere that guys will buy more dances if she's wearing it.....seriously! It's bad enough that guys see her naked in the first place without her also making them get urges from some stupid spray!

Anyway, I think I just needed to vent this and get some outside opinions. 

Thanks for reading that rant!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

umm, yeah. no thanks.
but you married her already knowing this stuff.
not much you can say now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You married a stripper.

Don't know what you expected. Did you think she'd stop dancing? I don't understand. You knew her job...and married her...and now you're upset about her job. :scratchhead:


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Maybe once she starts a family, she'll quit. Not a profession to be an example to your children. You did marry her knowing this is what she does, you can not hold this against her or hold resentment. Plus, a lot of us women get horrible stretch marks on our bodies. I gained 100lbs per child, so you can imagine the stretch marks. I lost all my weight each time also.

I personally would never do this as a job, it's not for me and I'm very uncoordinated when it comes to dancing of any kind. For my husband, absolutely. For other men, no way. I don't even have casual male friends.

I do have an idea, maybe I'll practice and do a lap dance for my hubby in lingerie when he has a day off of work, I'm sure I can get some tips online. I wonder if I can pull it off?


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## sum1 (Jun 3, 2012)

As I said, she has qualifications that she can use and has used for another career, when I met her she was also doing this other thing alongside stripping. I married her knowing she's a stripper yes, but she's always implied that it's a short term thing and she won't be doing it forever but it seems that it takes up so much more of her time now than it did before, it's escalating whereas it shoul be the other way by now. My issue is not with the stripping so much anyway, I can kind of deal with that, it's the emailing of customers behind my back, something that she promised she wouldn't do BEFORE we were married, that really bothers me.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

hmm boundaries seems to be an issue here... or am i wrong?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stripping makes a LOT of money...especially around here anyway. In college, I worked with a stripper. She was a waitress with me (a decoy job so her mom wouldn't wonder what she did for money). And holy crap! The girl was bringing in $6,000 a month! And that was about 14 years ago. 

Maybe your wife's other option isn't as lucrative. Who knows. Maybe she'll quit once babies come but that's not a good reason to have children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is the other job she is qualified to do? How much can she make doing it?

Does stripping pay a lot more.

Stripping is a life style, not just a career. And she's not just a stripper, she does lap dances. Lap dances are boarderline prostitution. For some people it's not just about the good money. It's also about the attention and excitement. 

A huge percentage of stippers also do a lot of drugs. Does she?


Apparently she is not willing to give that up. This is who you married. Now you need to decide if this is who you want to spend your life with.. what you see is what you get.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Some people have trouble in life with poor boundaries. With her job it will be disastrous. If she keeps this job, your in for some ride. Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You said that when she gave you a lap dance you were shocked at how close it was.

Have you ever gone to her work and seen what she does? She entertains the public. Surely you were aware of what goes on.


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## sum1 (Jun 3, 2012)

The other career can make good money but is more hard work I suppose, not mega hard but harder than just prancing around naked I guess. She still does the occassional job with her qualifications so the work is out there. 

As for kids, I have 2 kids from a previous relationship, and we don't plan to have any more babies. 

Drugs, she's not into them at all, which is one good thing and would be a major deal breaker for me.


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## sum1 (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You said that when she gave you a lap dance you were shocked at how close it was.
> 
> Have you ever gone to her work and seen what she does? She entertains the public. Surely you were aware of what goes on.


I'd never had a lap dance before that, what she does in the public bit of the club is fine as far as I'm concerned, it's just walking around naked, the lap dances are more intimate. She says she doesn't 'grind around' on their lap or anything though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sum1 said:


> The other career can make good money but is more hard work I suppose, not mega hard but harder than just prancing around naked I guess. She still does the occassional job with her qualifications so the work is out there.
> 
> As for kids, I have 2 kids from a previous relationship, and we don't plan to have any more babies.
> 
> Drugs, she's not into them at all, which is one good thing and would be a major deal breaker for me.


Does the mother of your children know what your new wife does for a living? Is she ok with it?

Not a good example to set for kids. What do your children think she does?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Looks like ths is your wife and your life.

Question is, can you live with it?

talk about boundaries with your wife and see if she can stop lap dances...i dunno. I would have never married a stripper. Nothing against them as people, i just know that I couldn't deal with it.


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## sum1 (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does the mother of your children know what your new wife does for a living? Is she ok with it?
> 
> Not a good example to set for kids. What do your children think she does?


yeah my ex knows what she does and is fine with it, it's just another job to them I guess. As for the kids, they know she works in a bar and that's it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Strippers are more than strippers these days. They make their money with lap dances, VIP rooms and private parties. 

Private parties are often just a form of prostitution. The girls making the rules means that the rules are more lax not tighter.  Rules are mostly about money.

This can be touching, full nudity, sex shows, girl on girl stuff and so on. Along with this can come extras for money. HJs, BJs, full blown sexual prostitution.
Also this can get into the more kinky stuff.

So how long into the relationship before you got a lapdance? 

Have you spent much time watching her at work?
Where are these private parties? 

My point is that she is not just a stripper. She is in this including private parties. But you are ok about the stripping. You would like her to change jobs. That does not sound very realistic. Sorry but you walked into this with eyes wide open. You should not have expected her to just change who she was.

Good luck.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

sum1 said:


> what she does in the public bit of the club is fine as far as I'm concerned, it's just walking around naked, the lap dances are more intimate.


It amazes me that some people are actually ok with the above. I know my man sure as hell wouldn't be... hell he doesn't even want me wearing anything with the slightest bit of cleavage lmao.. let alone... would he be ok with a job that required i walk around naked. What confuses me is... you say your ok with her walking around naked in front of other men and yet... your not ok with lap dances? Last I recall ... all strippers participate in lap dances.... I may have remembered wrong .. but either way...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sum1 said:


> It's bad enough that guys see her naked in the first place without her also making them get urges from some stupid spray!


 When you marry a stripper normal marital boundaries go out the window. For a few bucks she will make any random guy have urges in their pants. That is what they pay her for. She will do this for anyone. 

If you are having second thoughts about this now, you need to end the marraige now and move on or she needs to stop being a stripper. You have a right to change your mind on this important issue. Do not have children with this woman until this issue is addressed.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

a good (guy) friend of mine used to dj at a strip club and of course constantly dated strippers. he had to get out of the business... too much competition and cutting hours and such so he couldnt make as much money. 

to this day he's still dating a stripper.. although they've been together for 2 years now. he hates it also and he used to work there so he knows all that goes on there. BUT he justifies it because she makes so much money. 

do you guys live some crazy expensive lifestyle? one that would require her to keep doing what she's doing? i'm not saying do this... BUT it might be helpful giving her a deadline to quit dancing. help and encourage her in every way possible to get out of it. its easy for her at this point just to stay where she's at. help her with her resume... mock interviews... if you sit there complacently that's what she's gonna think you are. 

best of luck


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How did you know she still emails this customer/? What kind of talk do they have? Does she know that you have access to her mail? Do you think your gf might have a past ?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's his wife, not gf.


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## sum1 (Jun 3, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Strippers are more than strippers these days. They make their money with lap dances, VIP rooms and private parties.
> 
> Private parties are often just a form of prostitution. The girls making the rules means that the rules are more lax not tighter. Rules are mostly about money.
> 
> ...



She's not doing private parties, she's done them in the past but swears that she didn't do anything 'extra' at them, she won't do them anymore, we had a huge discussion about them and she agreed not to.

Changing her job IS realistic, that's the point, she can do it at anytime and not have too much hassle in doing so as she still sometimes does jobs relating to the other career.


We don't really have a crazy expensive lifestyle, infact the money from stripping is not as good as it was a few years back.

The customer that emails her, I think he's a bit obsessed with her, he sends messages at least every week like 'good morning o beautiful one, was lovely seeing you last night, hopefully I'll be there for your next shift to spend some more money on you, lots of love and kisses xxxxxxxxxxx' and just crap like that, he also always asks for her bbm or her phone number and he's sent his number to her too! She replies with stuff like 'was lovely seeing you too, hope to see you again soon xxxxxx' so she's not being all lovey with him or anything, it does seem rather one sided but I still don't see the need!

She doesn't know that I have seen these emails and I can't tell her that I have. I only checked because of how often she is on her phone (you know when you can just tell that they're doing something they shouldn't be??).

As for her having a 'past' I don't think so, but can't say for sure, I doubt it though.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You doubt she has a past? Everyone has a past. Even librarians have a past.

Maybe your wife just likes to strip.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

read between the line that_girl.. It obviously meant a shady past..


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

well.. its still a messed up situation... but i can see why she's emailing the creepy guy.. he's paying your bills. if she says nothing to him and ignores him.. it will affect her income. think about being a business owner and being rude to a customer.. do you think he/she will ever come back? her body is her business... if she wants to stay profitable she's gotta entertain her clients.. that's what they're there for. 

i think as long as she's a dancer you will always have these problems. id focus less on emails and more on big picture. if the money isnt that great and you dont need it then help her get out. even verbal encouragement goes a long way, "baby.. i'd be so proud of you if you worked at ____. want me to help you with your resume?" 

maybe remind her that it's time to grow up.. she's married now.. it's time to act like it. and that means only showing her goodies to her hubs. at some point she's going to get older and gravity will take its toll... tell her that she has more to contribute. maybe ask her why she's so connected to this profession? it's not money.. maybe it's attention? there's some root reason why she's not quitting.


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## sum1 (Jun 3, 2012)

cocovas09 said:


> well.. its still a messed up situation... but i can see why she's emailing the creepy guy.. he's paying your bills. if she says nothing to him and ignores him.. it will affect her income. think about being a business owner and being rude to a customer.. do you think he/she will ever come back? her body is her business... if she wants to stay profitable she's gotta entertain her clients.. that's what they're there for.
> 
> i think as long as she's a dancer you will always have these problems. id focus less on emails and more on big picture. if the money isnt that great and you dont need it then help her get out. even verbal encouragement goes a long way, "baby.. i'd be so proud of you if you worked at ____. want me to help you with your resume?"
> 
> maybe remind her that it's time to grow up.. she's married now.. it's time to act like it. and that means only showing her goodies to her hubs. at some point she's going to get older and gravity will take its toll... tell her that she has more to contribute. maybe ask her why she's so connected to this profession? it's not money.. maybe it's attention? there's some root reason why she's not quitting.



I know what you mean but the fact is that these customers will go to the clubs regardless of her emailing them or not and it's just this one customer, I doubt he even spends that much and we did agree that her work stays at work and she wouldn't be in contact with them outside of work. Also, I think it encourages unhealthy behaviour, she's already had one guy attempt to stalk her and I think by making things too personal that it just encourages that kind of thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A lot of strippers have facebook pages under their stage names. There they 'flirt' with their clientel to keep they guys coming back. 

Does your wife have a fb page for this? 

This is all part of the business. The trick is to keep it on fb and at work.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

emailing the creepy guy definitely promotes unhealthy behavior.. i've seen too many episodes of "snapped" to think that it's a safe job.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sum1 said:


> I know what you mean but the fact is that these customers will go to the clubs regardless of her emailing them or not and it's just this one customer, I doubt he even spends that much and we did agree that her work stays at work and she wouldn't be in contact with them outside of work. Also, I think it encourages unhealthy behaviour, she's already had one guy attempt to stalk her and I think by making things too personal that it just encourages that kind of thing.


It sounds to me like this one guy is stalking her with the emails. She might not know how to handle it since she's not being threatening or over stalking. 

It might get ugly if she were to stop responding and not participate in this fantasy of his.


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## sum1 (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds to me like this one guy is stalking her with the emails. She might not know how to handle it since she's not being threatening or over stalking.
> 
> It might get ugly if she were to stop responding and not participate in this fantasy of his.


She doesn't have a facebook page as that would again be bringing it home. I did think that maybe she didn't know what else to do but email back BUT the last guy who was constantly harrassing her online she told me about it straight away. If someone is going to get weird with her like that then I'm more than happy to deal with that person and she knows this, there's really no reason for her to feel backed into a corner by this guy.

The places she works at get a steady stream of customers and there aren't many girls on at any one time, it's not like a big club where girls need regulars to survive, far from it.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Go to StripperWeb. Then go to the "blue" section for customers. 

I don't mean to cause too much insecurity, but for the regular customers of many strippers, "extras" are an expectation, not an exception. They prefer "outside the club" action/"private parties" because it's a lot harder to regulate. 
They like to keep in constant electronic contact with their favorite 'dancers' and bemoan interference by jealous husbands/boyfriends. 

If you are worried that a lap dance is too close, go educate yourself about what generally happens in these places. Not every stripper is engaging in prostitution, of course, but a non-trivial percentage are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It seems simple to me, you have a few options, pick one.

1. get her to agree to stop stripping by a certain date and the other career she has skills in that pays about the same as stripping.

2. Leave her if she will not stop stripping.

3. Learn to live with it if she will not stop stripping. This would include setting the boundaries that will make you feel secure in your marriage. If she refuses any of these boundaries, go to option # 2.

a. Total transparency on both of your parts. Both of you give all the passwords for online accounts to the other and both of you can go online and check the other’s accounts at any time.

b. She will have no off work contact with her customers without her there and your accounts. This includes emailing them.

c. No private parties, etc.

d. No toxic stripper friends or other toxic friends.

e. I’m sure you can come up with more boundaries.​


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I hope you`re not a troll because I find your situation odd unless you are very adept at miscommunication.

Can you support your wife while she pursues a new career?
If not you`ve kind of screwed yourself.

If she`s not willing to pursue a new career even though you can support her then you`re losing a competition with a lifestyle.

That`s unacceptable.

You married a stripper, you got what you asked for.

The fact that she gives lapdances for a living is not something you can complain about as you`ve accepted this status quo since before marriage. 

If you`re in an active sexual relationship with a stripper she`s going to treat you accordingly during a lap dance but her lapdancing isn`t your problem.

Her attitude about leaving stripping is all that should concern you because it`s near impossible to maintain a relationship in the lifestyle even if she isolates herself from the lifestyle it`s difficult and it doesn`t sound like your wife even does that.

Don`t allow her to do side parties.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

hunny... every time you reply you're not taking any suggestions. you keep defending and making excuses for her... you either support her and the career she's chosen (and all that goes with it.. emails and blah blah blah) or you dont. if you dont.. that means you have to help her get a new career and not making excuses for the current job she's chosen. 

its starting to sound like you're having issues with the particular guy that's messaging/emailing and not the wife's profession as a whole.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Strippers , Escorts and Sex workers are " wired differently."
They view sex pretty much the same as a male ob/gyn would view the female vejayjay, its just business.
For some ,the ease of making money can become addictive. It starts off as a little hustle,then they become popular with rich " clients", doing private parties etc for BIG MONEY. After that its difficult for them to stop,because the money comes in easy.
If you want her to stop,you would have to be making more money than her,and give her the lifestyle she wants,while at the same time COMMANDING her respect.
Other than that she is not obligated to stop ,just because you said so.
In my opinion, you may very well soon find yourself in " checkmate."
There is a huge " power differential " in the relationship.
Because of the amount of money she makes,and she has no ties with you except marriage. Basically, she has nothing to lose if you should leave, and she has options.
For her its just business..........


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

OP, I think you should have thought about all this *BEFORE *you married her. You should have researched what strippers do for a living and which of those job responsibilities (e.g. lap dances, private parties etc) are okay with you and should have promptly communicated that to her "before you married her". If you wanted her to leave the job there should have been a timeline, conditions, planning and a lot of emphasis on her changing the job, which doesn't seem to be there. Looks like your marriage is based out of a lot of assumptions that you made.

All of the stuff that you mention are part of her profession the way she would see it. Everything from private parties, to lap dances to text messages from customers etc. You wouldn't like her interference in what you do for a living and I believe she wouldn't be enjoying your interference as well. You cannot ask a lifeguard to stay away from jumping into the water and similarly you cannot ask a stripper to avoid lap dances. If it is okay in your book for her to dance naked in front of men why are you so upset about rest of the stuff?

Frankly I haven't been to a strip club, but I sure can guess what happens there. After knowing that your wife is a stripper, it doesn't surprise me that she would be doing lap dances and private parties to make more money. I don't understand if you really didn't expect all this when you married her or you just assumed things would change on their own and choose to ignore the logistics of her profession ??? 

As few other people suggest, if you want her to quit the job it would be good if you offer to cover up for her financially till she finds an alternate well paying job. If she chooses not to change her profession I think you need to ask yourself if you can live with it? If not, it would be better to part ways. I think trying to impose boundaries in this line of profession is meaningless.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

You have buyers remorse and for good reason. You married someone who thinks its OK to make money off her sexuality. It's not just a job. Maybe she doesn't have sex with other men, but when she's at work she must project the possibility of sex to other men to make good tips. Her business is to sell the idea of sex by grinding on them in suggestive ways during lap dances. That would gross me out. The argument that the money is too good to pass up is total BS. She must get satisfaction from her "job" if she has the option to quit. She most likely loves the attention. The idea of starting a family with somene like this is beyond my comprehension. There's an old saying that goes: 'You can take the girl out of the bar but you can never take the bar out of the girl". The older I get the more I believe it.

Good luck with your marriage.


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

You dont need to leave her because she is still stripping... you married her already knowing this.

What you do need to do is sit her down and lay out the groundwork for some compromise...and put all this in writing so down the road there is ZERO miscommunication between you two

1. Ask her if she still intends to resign from stripping. Tell her you would like that but you arent forcing it upon her. If she says yes, then you need to get a date as to when this will take effect.


If she says she really doesnt know then let it go...again, you married a stripper

2. Tell her in order for you to be okay with this (whether she gives you a quit date or not) she MUST - no ifs ands or buts..MUST comply in that all emails cease and desist. She, in your presence must email all her clients that email her and let them know for profesional reasons any inquiries about her working hours can be addressed on the clubs website. No further personal replies will be acknowledged.

2. On her days off, either one or both days are spent with YOU..not her stripper friend, or online searching about stripping, etc

If one day is cool with you then she can have her girl time with her friend

3. When she comes home, there can be ZERO talk about stripping or phone gabbing with her stripper friend.

Tell her even though you knew her deal going in, your feelings have unfortunatly changed but you are also trying to be fair and accept this job of hers but now ONLY if she meets you in these 2-3 other compromises.

If she cannot do that then you have a decision to make whether to leave or accept being disrespected by her.


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