# Fidelity



## joannacroc

Have you ever wondered if fidelity is possible? I don't mean you yourself being faithful, although we've all read plenty of threads on that. 2 most important (romantic) relationships of my adult life I have been cheated on. At a certain point I have to examine the possibility that it is probably my crappy picker that is off. I have seen happy couples and fulfilling relationships so I know those people are out there. But part of me wonders if it is even possible for someone to be faithful to me. 

I am somewhat bookish, and like to spend my weekends catching up on sleep, reading, watching period dramas and crime shows and spending time with my son. I am average-looking, average intelligence with high education level and I like to travel to see my family in their country. Maybe I'm just too boring. It seems like everyone wants "new" and "exciting" and I don't really feel I am either of those things. Is fidelity possible for partners of someone like me?


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## SunCMars

joannacroc said:


> Have you ever wondered if fidelity is possible? I don't mean you yourself being faithful, although we've all read plenty of threads on that. 2 most important (romantic) relationships of my adult life I have been cheated on. At a certain point I have to examine the possibility that it is probably my crappy picker that is off. I have seen happy couples and fulfilling relationships so I know those people are out there. But part of me wonders if it is even possible for someone to be faithful to me.
> 
> I am somewhat bookish, and like to spend my weekends catching up on sleep, reading, watching period dramas and crime shows and spending time with my son. I am average-looking, average intelligence with high education level and I like to travel to see my family in their country. Maybe I'm just too boring. It seems like everyone wants "new" and "exciting" and I don't really feel I am either of those things. Is fidelity possible for partners of someone like me?


You answered your own question.
You are boring to a good number of men.

The good thing is that there are plenty of boring men out there..
These men also get regularly passed over.

Pick a docile chap.

Feed him well.
Take care of his sexual needs.
Remain pleasant with him most of the time.

That ought to do it.


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## TJW

joannacroc said:


> But part of me wonders if it is even possible for someone to be faithful to me


The fidelity or treachery of your partner has no relationship to you, your looks, your attitudes, your behavior, nor any attribute you have or do not have.

It has only to do with the moral uprightness of your partner. A faithful partner will be faithful to you. A treacherous partner will be unfaithful TO ANYONE who is unfortunate enough to be paired with him/her.


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## TJW

SunCMars said:


> Pick a docile chap.
> 
> Feed him well.
> Take care of his sexual needs.
> Remain pleasant most of the time.
> 
> That ought to do it.


That will, indeed, do it. He will be a happy camper.


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## Trident

You left out the more important details. How are you in bed? I mean really, not who you WANT to be, do you take care of all of his needs, whoever it might be?
Are you adventerous, do you try different things, do you like your sex kinky with lots of BJs and splatter and maybe some anal thrown in for occasional spice?

Because if not, guys are going to get bored fast especially when you spend your weekends doing things on your own, for yourself.


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## sokillme

joannacroc said:


> Have you ever wondered if fidelity is possible? I don't mean you yourself being faithful, although we've all read plenty of threads on that. 2 most important (romantic) relationships of my adult life I have been cheated on. At a certain point I have to examine the possibility that it is probably my crappy picker that is off. I have seen happy couples and fulfilling relationships so I know those people are out there. But part of me wonders if it is even possible for someone to be faithful to me.
> 
> I am somewhat bookish, and like to spend my weekends catching up on sleep, reading, watching period dramas and crime shows and spending time with my son. I am average-looking, average intelligence with high education level and I like to travel to see my family in their country. Maybe I'm just too boring. It seems like everyone wants "new" and "exciting" and I don't really feel I am either of those things. Is fidelity possible for partners of someone like me?


Sure it's possible, I think you are just kind of feeling down. Yes it's possible! Keep your chin up. Just keep working on your picker. Try to learn as much as possible to make an informed decision. 

But also learn to be OK with being alone so you make a decision from strength. The thing is, one thing to remember even the best relationships end one day, nothing in life last forever. Which is why you need to have different friends and interests. 

Have hope Joan.


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## Enigma32

I think fidelity is definitely possible. Part of the reason people cheat I think is the whole monkey branching mentality. No one wants to leave one relationship until they find a new one. They wanna give that new person a test drive before they walk away from you, so your partners tend to cheat on the way out the door.


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## Diana7

Fidelity is of course possible. Its not down to the one cheated on, but down to the lack of character and lack of integrity of the one who cheats.


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## joannacroc

Trident said:


> You left out the more important details. How are you in bed? I mean really, not who you WANT to be, do you take care of all of his needs, whoever it might be?
> Are you adventerous, do you try different things, do you like your sex kinky with lots of BJs and splatter and maybe some anal thrown in for occasional spice?
> 
> Because if not, guys are going to get bored fast especially when you spend your weekends doing things on your own, for yourself.


If anything I tend to be more adventurous than my partner in bed, which they will initially like, but tend to tire of eventually. I do see your point - I have hobbies I enjoy and my son takes up a lot of my time. Family time together has always been something I wanted, it's just that I had hoped after my divorce to find someone to share that time with eventually.


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## joannacroc

Enigma32 said:


> I think fidelity is definitely possible. Part of the reason people cheat I think is the whole monkey branching mentality. No one wants to leave one relationship until they find a new one. They wanna give that new person a test drive before they walk away from you, so your partners tend to cheat on the way out the door.


That's certainly one possible explanation. Sometimes it's hard not to find that a little depressing. I have faults. Others have faults. But fidelity has always been important to me and I always assumed people were more faithful than perhaps they are.


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## Cletus

TJW said:


> The fidelity or treachery of your partner has no relationship to you, your looks, your attitudes, your behavior, nor any attribute you have or do not have.


That simply is not true.

There are those who will cheat regardless. There are those who will take a bullet rather than be unfaithful. And there are those who with good intent still manage to fail through circumstance. 

Call it a character flaw if you like, lay the blame squarely at their feet as we must, but people are not just born with a cheater's gene that determines their lot in life. Bad situations can provide the catalyst for infidelity with those who do not seek it out nor desire it. The spouse who declares that sex is off the table in a marriage is begging for a divorce or an affair, and should not be surprised when either is chosen.


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## Cletus

It's good OP that you are at least asking the question. Introspection is never wasted if it brings you wisdom. 

What do you think, objectively? If you had to rate yourself as a mate, what would you say?


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## Enigma32

I think everyone has their breaking point. For some, all it takes is an opportunity. Others will stay loyal for years. .


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## joannacroc

Cletus said:


> It's good OP that you are at least asking the question. Introspection is never wasted if it brings you wisdom.
> 
> What do you think, objectively? If you had to rate yourself as a mate, what would you say?


Probably pretty average, because although I'm somewhat intelligent, and have some other qualities, I'm not above average looks-wise, which tends to be the first thing people look at (no judgement, attraction is important). Nor am I the type who you will see sky diving or doing extreme sports or anything. I love my job teaching, but between that and my master's degree that I'm working towards, and my son who has special needs, a lot of my attention is taken already. When I was married, I was in a different field, wasn't studying, but was looking after my son still obviously so I guess that wasn't the case before my divorce. I love to cook for my family and friends, and like to write little notes to my partner to make them feel appreciated. Have always been affectionate, both in terms of sex and outside of the bedroom. I am a good communicator, generally, and dislike game playing, which I've been told is good. Need coffee in the morning to get going but once I have had that am generally pretty cheerful. Have a good relationship with my family and friends.


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## sunsetmist

You sound above average to me. Extremes are not the norm, stop comparing yourself to 10s. Maybe a little bit more confidence?? And work on the picker--probably the same type has appealed to you. Figure out who you are and what you stand for--sounds like you are on the way--


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## DownByTheRiver

joannacroc said:


> Have you ever wondered if fidelity is possible? I don't mean you yourself being faithful, although we've all read plenty of threads on that. 2 most important (romantic) relationships of my adult life I have been cheated on. At a certain point I have to examine the possibility that it is probably my crappy picker that is off. I have seen happy couples and fulfilling relationships so I know those people are out there. But part of me wonders if it is even possible for someone to be faithful to me.
> 
> I am somewhat bookish, and like to spend my weekends catching up on sleep, reading, watching period dramas and crime shows and spending time with my son. I am average-looking, average intelligence with high education level and I like to travel to see my family in their country. Maybe I'm just too boring. It seems like everyone wants "new" and "exciting" and I don't really feel I am either of those things. Is fidelity possible for partners of someone like me?


 IMO, you're up against some big odds if you're dating even semiattractive men. There are some with some strict morals and ethics, but of course those aren't for everyone either. That in itself can be a tradeoff. But ethics in other things is some indicator if a person has enough ethics to pass up an opportunity. 

I think under certain circumstances, most men will cheat, like if someone is real attractive to them and makes them a deal they can't refuse, no strings, no one will ever know, you know, like hookers do, simply because they usually want more sex than they get and also because they want variety and maybe most of all, seek validation that they still "got it." 

And men are suckers for falling for the ones who "need" them and then pretend to think they're heros. Just my personal observations. Men always confided in me a lot, and I've heard some of these stories and seen some for myself. And of course, been on these forums a lot of years and heard the confessions. 

I would say don't pick a man with a higher sex drive than your own. It doesn't really work to pick a man who is less attractive either, because they would be even more eager to have sex with another woman given the opportunity, but at least the opportunities would be few and far between. Women wouldn't randomly throw themselves at him at least. 

One confession I heard 25 years after the fact. He unburdened himself when I called to catch up after a decade or more because I knew he had hepatitis and might not be with us long (doing ok now though). Told me this woman who has made the rounds with one of my exes as well (and every other man within sight) approached him shortly after he married the true love of his life, so newly married, and invited him to something (not unusual - this guy is in a band) and he went but then she escalated things, and he stopped short of telling me he actually did it, but I'm sure she was hands-on because I've seen her in action and heard all about how she operates and seen it myself because she dated my ex right after me (and then he and I worked together after that). The ex had told me it was just so great because there was never any pressure when dating her, no talk of obligation or commitment or even planning, I guess. She was just easy. He actually used the word "easy." 

Anyway, with my band friend, she promised no one would ever know, like the old hooker I suspected she was (and confirmed decades later when I met an old ex-stripper online and found out they were old running buddies back in the say). "No one will ever know" is like the five magic words to a tempted man. Anyway, he was remorseful and it was eating at him, so he confessed to me. He and his wife were together 40 years though before she passed a couple years ago. 

Best shot is pick someone with loyalty and ethics if you can tell.


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## RebuildingMe

It sounds like your son takes up a lot of your time. You may have contributed to that. That could be a huge red flag for a lot of men. That being said, you deserve fidelity. We all do. I refuse to believe that being cheated on multiple times makes us boring or broken people. You just have to select wisely and pick someone that shares your values and lifestyle.


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## maquiscat

joannacroc said:


> Have you ever wondered if fidelity is possible? I don't mean you yourself being faithful, although we've all read plenty of threads on that. 2 most important (romantic) relationships of my adult life I have been cheated on. At a certain point I have to examine the possibility that it is probably my crappy picker that is off. I have seen happy couples and fulfilling relationships so I know those people are out there. But part of me wonders if it is even possible for someone to be faithful to me.
> 
> I am somewhat bookish, and like to spend my weekends catching up on sleep, reading, watching period dramas and crime shows and spending time with my son. I am average-looking, average intelligence with high education level and I like to travel to see my family in their country. Maybe I'm just too boring. It seems like everyone wants "new" and "exciting" and I don't really feel I am either of those things. Is fidelity possible for partners of someone like me?


You are so noted in wrong thinking. Yes it is possible, regardless of what your specific idea of fidelity is. Examine the type of people you have had in the past, and see if you can determine any specific factors that would lead to identifying one who will not match your idea of fidelity. Then avoid them. I not going to claim it will be easy. But the problem is not you in and of yourself.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## maquiscat

joannacroc said:


> If anything I tend to be more adventurous than my partner in bed, which they will initially like, but tend to tire of eventually. I do see your point - I have hobbies I enjoy and my son takes up a lot of my time. Family time together has always been something I wanted, it's just that I had hoped after my divorce to find someone to share that time with eventually.


If by adventurous, you are referring to various kinks, try joining a local munch group. There are plenty of monogamous people there who don't want to play in front of others. But they will be like minded, and not at all judgemental (most won't anyway). Even if not kink, maybe find a community that matches you, like fandom, or sports or something. Then your selection pool will be closer to what you want.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## theloveofmylife

It's not your fault that someone cheated on you. It was their fault, their choice. 

There are plenty of decent men out there who are fully capable of keeping it in their pants.


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## LisaDiane

joannacroc said:


> Probably pretty average, because although I'm somewhat intelligent, and have some other qualities, I'm not above average looks-wise, which tends to be the first thing people look at (no judgement, attraction is important). Nor am I the type who you will see sky diving or doing extreme sports or anything. I love my job teaching, but between that and my master's degree that I'm working towards, and my son who has special needs, a lot of my attention is taken already. When I was married, I was in a different field, wasn't studying, but was looking after my son still obviously so I guess that wasn't the case before my divorce. I love to cook for my family and friends, and like to write little notes to my partner to make them feel appreciated. Have always been affectionate, both in terms of sex and outside of the bedroom. I am a good communicator, generally, and dislike game playing, which I've been told is good. Need coffee in the morning to get going but once I have had that am generally pretty cheerful. Have a good relationship with my family and friends.


I don't think these things matter as much as you think...I'm also just average looks-wise, and could be considered boring maybe, but I don't think about that alot - I just try to be happy and be ME!! I don't want to attract anyone who won't see or want the REAL ME, so I never try to pretend anything about myself that I'm not! 

I think you only need to put yourself out there more, be more sociable, find things you enjoy that get you out among other people...and then just be YOURSELF, and you will attract someone who wants YOU, and that's what's most important, I think!!

There are TONS of men who are available for you if you want them - you just need to get out there where they are and meet them!! Many of them feel the same way you do - are there any decent women who will love them? You can't despair and give up, you have to keep trying and keep your heart OPEN!


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