# Please help



## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

My wife and I recently returned from a trip to Vegas. While we were there she told me she wanted to spend the day at the adult pool to see what it was like. When we were there, she said she wanted to take off her top. I was very uncomfortable with it and against it but to avoid a fight that I new would be coming I had to give in. I was dealing with it but when another man got too friendly and made some comments I wasn't comfortable with I had to draw the line. My wife then got mad at me, called me controlling, told me I didn't belong there and that I made her feel bad about herself. We have been married two years. My wife is my goddess and my queen. I worship the ground she walks on. I believe that certain things like my wife's breasts are sacred and should be reserved for her husband only. She can't understand why I feel this way please help. This is tearing me up inside every time I think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Troubled in love said:


> My wife and I recently returned from a trip to Vegas. While we were there she told me she wanted to spend the day at the adult pool to see what it was like. When we were there, she said she wanted to take off her top. I was very uncomfortable with it and against it but to avoid a fight that I new would be coming I had to give in. I was dealing with it but when another man got too friendly and made some comments I wasn't comfortable with I had to draw the line. My wife then got mad at me, called me controlling, told me I didn't belong there and that I made her feel bad about herself. We have been married two years. My wife is my goddess and my queen. I worship the ground she walks on. I believe that certain things like my wife's breasts are sacred and should be reserved for her husband only. She can't understand why I feel this way please help. This is tearing me up inside every time I think about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife is your Godess, huh?

You might need to explore the option of a little bit of atheism in her case. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

People (man or woman) who worship their spouse usually end up disillusioned, deceived and divorce...so kick her off the pedestal. the second thing you need to do is for the both of you to talk about nudity, I'm European so nudity is not a big deal but it is to my wife, so we compromise. Topless beaches and locations where allowed are not uncommon, and just because she talks to someone does not mean she is asking him to give it a feel...i think you need to chill a bit.


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## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

Just because my morals and values are different from yours doesn't mean I need to "chill a bit"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

Sorry, could you explain?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I too am European, been on many beaches, so do not think it is the end of the world, but, yes, cultures differ.

Talk, but be nice to her.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sounds like she's pushing boundaries and seeking attention. If that's the case, then you'll need to start figuring out where you boundaries are - and you can't let her overstep those lines in order to avoid fights.

How old are you guys - approximately?


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## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

We are both 39. Thanks for the response
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Troubled in love said:


> We are both 39. Thanks for the response
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you haven't already - take some time and just "look around."

Sounds like a "mid-life crisis" or whatever you want to call it. They key will be establishing boundaries and figuring out what the consequences will be when she crosses them.

If you've had a great marriage so far you may not have needed to give much thought to things like "is it ok for my wife to go around topless talking to other men."

Any other recent signs of her wanting to be adventurous and push boundaries?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hi troubled. 

The problem with "goddess" worship in a relationship is that it sets up a bad dynamic that's one sided, and it's usually you on the shorter end of this stick. Your wife will begin to expect to get her way all the time, at the sacrifice of your boundaries. And when you then try to Eventually force your boundaries, you become the controlling 
Azzhole. 

Be calm. Talk about your boundaries and concerns. When she tries to turn it around on you, be persistent but still calm. If it escalates, then take a break. Tell her that you two need to disengage for a moment, and you can resume the talk after she or you calms down, so anger and frustration don't cloud the topic. And if it immediately escalates again after you reengage, then rinse and repeat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Troubled in love said:


> My wife is my goddess and my queen. I worship the ground she walks on. _Posted via Mobile Device_


And therein lies the problem. You are probably seen as a doormat. She is pushing boundaries because she knows she can.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she an attention ***** 

she will take it from anybody even when her husband is standing right next to her. only married 2 years. might want to cut your losses.


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## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

Thank you for your reply. Sounds like very sound advice. I never would have thought that treating my wife like a queen would be a negative thing. Guess I thought that was how you were supposed to treat your bride. Makes me feel like I know nothing about being in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Troubled in love said:


> Thank you for your reply. Sounds like very sound advice. I never would have thought that treating my wife like a queen would be a negative thing. Guess I thought that was how you were supposed to treat your bride. Makes me feel like I know nothing about being in a marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you feel like she treats you with the same regard? Does she "worship" you?

If she shows you the same level of love and respect that you show her, then there's nothing wrong with treating her like a Princess. 

If, however, you treat her like a Princess and she treats you like a servant, you have problems.


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## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

I guess I should clarify my original post. When I wrote that my wife is my goddess and queen I wasn't meaning to imply that I'm a pushover, or I always let her have her way or anything like that. I do stand my ground and I do expect respect. I guess what I meant was I respect her, I make her my #1 priority and I always try to treat her the way she deserves. I'm struggling with the fact that she feels it's okay to share things that according to my beliefs and values I was raised with, should be reserved for your husband. I have always made it a point to never do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable or disrespected. I've always been very conscious of my actions and have been very careful not to make her feel that she is not enough for me or that I would desire something else or the attention of someone else. I try to look at it from her point of view and I know for a fact she would not be okay for me to be nude in front of other women. I understand that type of behavior is much more common and accepted in other countries but here in the states it is a little different. Yes, there are people here who feel it is no big deal but for the most part in my opinion it is still taboo and the guys that go to these places don't go because it's a nice pool. They go for the scenery and they go to oogle and I guess I'm just not okay with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

No this is really the only time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

She treats me good and I know she loves me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Troubled in love said:


> We are both 39. Thanks for the response
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I concur, Midlife Crisis, for sure. 

She is 39, well PAST one's early immature phase. 

Her PAST has poked through your Image of Her.

She was well into her thirties when you met her and married her, I presume?

People do not change. That is a *Missy-Know-em-HER.....NOT*.

You married a lady who has wayward tendencies. 

It may be normal and common in Europe[to go] go topless. 

They are not in Europe. She saw the push-back from her husband and she went [selfishly] ahead with her wishes. 

Yes, he does not own her. And Hello! She does not respect him. 

Why was it so important for her to do this?....important enough to risk damaging her marriage....yes it was, to her. This is the question OP needs to ask. 

She is and has been unhappy with the [up-to-this incident] status-quo. She is pushing the marital boundaries. For what purpose? How far will this go?

She must have given some indication that she is not happy in the marriage. You either did not see the signs, ignored them or the ugly boil that is in her mind is starting to 'pop'. Spurt...ah, gross.

Yes, I know, this is the stuffed-shirt cowboy American Male response. On this continent we love them and want to keep them safe. 

Yes, the law says we cannot control our wives, our protective biological urges obey a different set of laws. And therein is the problem. 

1) Divorce, 2) Madness, 3) Death/Murder, 4) Prison are the usual choices.

I would opt for the first. I am rational. I cannot avoid the second, the third and fourth cannot be executed by my hand, in my present State of the Union...Neuronal Configuration.

Sorry you are here.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

When you agreed to the adult pool option then it includes the side bar conversation. You made it a big deal and reduced your status with her. 

Read the book


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Really? You think he should divorce because she went topless at a topless pool?

OP, I think your best bet is to tell her that you really want that part of her body only for you. That it isn't that you don't trust her but there are things you'd like to just be for the two of you and her breasts are one of them unless you both agree ahead of time or both are going to a nude beach. 

Likely she was on vacation and wanted to do something a little taboo and naughty. If your response had been to continue to tell her how horny she was making you and how you can't keep your eyes off of her, etc., your stay at the pool would be short lived and instead you'd have been up in the hotel room for a romp. Maybe she wanted validation that her breasts are still 'good enough' to show off in public. That doesn't mean she's going to cheat.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If she really loved you and saw how uncomfortable you were, she would have not done it.

When you posted that you gave in because you didn't want to start a scene, that all but explains the "I worship her as a goddess" line.

Doesn't seem like someone who stands their ground.

This is IT, I'm drawing the line DON'T YOU DARE CROSS IT!!!

Ok, Ok, this is it for real, don't CROSS this line!!!

SOB, OK, OK, I mean it now, this is the final line!!!

Not sure I would want a wife who was an attention *****. If it was done for me, I'm cool with her showing her assets off, but if she's looking for other guys to look and them come up and give her compliments....I don't mind other guys checking my wife out at all.

If she would have said, thanks but I'm married and this is my husband, end of discussion. When you get the nod and look from the other guy (that YOU LUCKY SON OF A *bleep* look) it's all good. But when you get that (Sorry bro, look) sucks to be you.


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## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

No I am not going to divorce her and no I haven't missed any signs she is unhappy in our marriage as someone mentioned. I feel some of these people replying are jumping to conclusions and giving advice about something they have no experience in. I was raised to not take the easy way out. When things get tough you don't just walk away when you really love someone. Thank you for your response. It's nice to hear an opinion from a female.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well

Lesson learned. In this situation you agreed to go to the pool. Even though your gut thought better of it and how it would make you feel. Your wife then thought it was ok. It was an applied acceptance from your agreement. 

Next time, just calmly state your concerns before you agree. It's really ok to disagree. Just do it tactfully and mature. 

"No honey, that's way to uncomfortable for me to even try to go to that pool. I hope you can understand my viewpoint"

Or, "well. I am uncomfortable with that situation. If we do try it, please understand that it may make me even more uncomfortable. We can go, but if I feel overwhelmed with the situation then I think we will need to leave right that instance. Are you ok with that? Because the only other option for me is to just not even go"

Etc etc. Make your viewpoint heard. Not inferred.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

Your right. I never should have agreed. Thank you for the advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Just make your values and boundaries clear. 

State them in a way that makes it obvious they are non negotiable. 

Is it wrong to have the values you do in regards to your wife? Absolutely not. But if you haven't been clear with her about them, then that is your fault. 

I'm not from Europe but I lived there for a while. I'd never do what she did because I wouldn't want that kind of attention. I also know it definitely would not fly with my husband. To me it's a no brainer. 

Maybe your wife wants validation/attention. Maybe she wants to feel sexy. It doesn't really matter why. It's not acceptable to you and that's not a behavior you'd support in a wife.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Troubled in love said:


> No I am not going to divorce her and no I haven't missed any signs she is unhappy in our marriage as someone mentioned. I feel some of these people replying are jumping to conclusions and giving advice about something they have no experience in. I was raised to not take the easy way out. When things get tough you don't just walk away when you really love someone. Thank you for your response. It's nice to hear an opinion from a female.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This has been the experience of a lot of the people on this forum, so some of the reactions can seem a bit extreme.

However, its also very sad how many people come here with what they think is a simple problem, only to find out they've been missing many common signals that they have major problems with their relationship.

Good luck!


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## Troubled in love (May 31, 2016)

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK there are some fundamental issues here.

First of all in Europe when everyone is on a topless beach it is not called an "adult" beach. There are kids, families, even pets! And then one can understand it to be normal. Even some of the more conservative Brits, Italians, Greeks etc have a problem with it and are not comfortable stripping off. And men don't tend to have inappropriate conversations with other mens' wives regarding their breasts.

In America it is clearly not the norm and is seen as out of the ordinary (the pool is called an adult pool for Christ's sake!). The OP has expressed not being comfortable with it mainly because of the environment - other men who are also not comfortable with it and see it as a chance to ogle other wives and even make inappropriate comments. Totally different to a European beach. And there are not many topless pools in Europe! in public hotels! 

The wife is pushing her boundaries and trying to establish something (not sure what).


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

So she wants to explore. Good for her speaking out and being honest. Now, if hubs says no way, not comfortable and she does it anyway then I have an issue. 

But he didn't.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Live in Europe have never went topless, it's usually the much older unattractive ladies that I see topless in Spain & France. 
If you're hot you do not take your bikini top off, especially if you've got good boobs! 
I was in Vegas last September, I thought nudity would be frowned upon there, so I wore conservative swimsuit, got hit on with husband standing beside me! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Jlcguest (Jun 1, 2016)

I, like you, feel the same way about sanctity.... my body is to be shared/viewed with my husband and his the same is how i feel. As a woman, her saying you are being controling is her excuse & copout for her own issues that she isnt being honest with you about. She is wrong! Im sorry but.... you dont just wake up one day and all the sudden wanna start showing your boobs to people. PERIOD! She is either having insecurities of her own OR she is selfish & self obsorbed & spot light needer. What is her response when you tell her how you feel ??


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Tortdog said:


> So she wants to explore. Good for her speaking out and being honest. Now, if hubs says no way, not comfortable and she does it anyway then I have an issue.
> 
> But he didn't.


Well he did express not being comfortable with it but I agree, he wasn't forceful enough for fear of conflict. However ...

She wanted to "explore" what exactly ?




Troubled in love said:


> My wife and I recently returned from a trip to Vegas. While we were there she told me she wanted to spend the day at the adult pool to see what it was like. When we were there, she said she wanted to take off her top. *I was very uncomfortable with it and against it but to avoid a fight that I new would be coming I had to give in*. I was dealing with it but when another man got too friendly and made some comments I wasn't comfortable with I had to draw the line. My wife then got mad at me, called me controlling, told me I didn't belong there and that I made her feel bad about herself. We have been married two years. My wife is my goddess and my queen. I worship the ground she walks on. I believe that certain things like my wife's breasts are sacred and should be reserved for her husband only. She can't understand why I feel this way please help. This is tearing me up inside every time I think about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree that OP was weak in his handing of the affair - i.e. "agreeing" to avoid a fight and possibly, passive aggressive behaviour from what sounds like a manipulative, controlling wife - but then many husbands do this even though they should stand up for their beliefs more firmly.

When the man hit on her at the pool she should have shut it down real quick - instead she got mad with her husband for making her feel bad about herself !?!?!?! This is what really got me!

So I ask again, explore what exactly ? Whether she is desirable to other men ? Whether she can have flirtatious interactions with other men while in a sexually charged environment ? Whether she can get completely naked with other men next time ? Whether she could engage in some light touching and "playing" with other men while naked ? Or ….

See where this line of "exploration" could go.

Telling the OP he didn't belong there !!! WTF !!!!

OP, you need to be more forceful in your enforcement of your boundaries - you don't tell her what to do but make the consequences of her actions very very clear to her. And by the way, you need to be ready to enforce such actions (which I suspect you are not ready to do).

And I would then investigate why she feels the need to "explore" (or whatever the hell she was trying to do) as therein may be your real (and larger) problem longer term.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Troubled in love said:


> Just because my morals and values are different from yours doesn't mean I need to "chill a bit"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I like this comment. However, for your own benefit I'm going to say this:

You say you are not a pushover, yet you Sit by and let your wife display her breasts for all men to see, only to "avoid a fight". Them you say you weren't raised to avoid trouble, but to meet it head on.

You say there are no problems in your marriage and you haven't missed signs, yet you were blindsided by your wife's desire to go to the "adult pool" and put herself on display.
When you got understandably jealous when another man approached--- instead of making it clear she was taken, she lapped up the attention and GOT ANGRY with YOU when you ended the flirting.

What you are seeing, and our perspective, are very different.

There are guys, including myself, that come on here that were blindsided by their wife's divorce and infidelity. 

You sir, are not immune. We are seeing that something is wrong. I hope you begin to take notice of how your marriage really is from your wife's perspective. Because once they make up their minds they're done--- you can stick a fork in yourself, because your goose is cooked!

Good luck. I hope you have many happy years to come with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Unfortunately for all that witness, i go topless at every beach. For some reason I never get hit on. Must be something to do with me being an old Fk and a fat Fk. 

For anyone out there that's a nine or ten, please lend me three or four of your points for a week. I need the help. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Should she request to go to the 'adult' pool again, simply tell her to flaunt her tatas all by her lonesome. You've seen them and you're inclined to stay where you are and enjoy the scenery.

She may have felt that you were chastising her and it embarrassed her. My husband didn't tolerate my removing my top in my own backyard with 0 neighbors behind or on either side. Oh, well, sunburn on the nipples is a b!tch anyway.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

What happened after you went to the pool? Did you discuss it? Did she say why she wanted to show off her boobs? Did you express why you wanted her ta tas wrapped?

If you didn't discuss it and resolve it, you're on a bad track for your marriage.

Communication and problem resolution - and establishment (and respect of) boundaries - are what make a successful marriage.

Not to late to have that talk and work it out.

If it were me, her reaction to the attention would be the MOST important thing and what I would look for as a red flag. If she giggled and flirted but grabbed your arm and said she was "yours" that's a world apart from flirting and leading on another dude and ignoring you.

The first situation would lead to hot sex and role play; the second MC and divorce if not fixed.

But I'm pretty self assured and dont waste my time with people who lack character.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Say she wanted to explore a desire to feel sexy, wanted and desirable to others while in a safe environment and being assured nothing would happen with her husband next to her. 

She's in Vegas with hubs and she's heard the tales and wants to let go and be wanted while k owing nothing will really come of it. 

I have no idea and I don't think there could be a good conversation about it based on the reaction of hubs. She will feel he was trying to control her and she will feel justified that she did nothing wrong. 

I would have no problem with my wife doing this. I already know that I have her love. I wouldn't feel threatened. 

In this case, OP did. It is unfortunate that he did not feel safe to open up to her that he could not do this with her. 

So they have different views and it hurt both of them.

I think you take a chill pill and don't read more into it unless you start seeing signs.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So she didn't shut the predatory behaviour down because she felt safe ? And then told her husband to basically fvck off when he shut it down? Sorry, I don't buy this. The last thing the OP needs is a chill pill - what he needs is a wife who respects him and boundaries at the very least and preferably one who also loves him.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> So she didn't shut the predatory behaviour down because she felt safe ? And then told her husband to basically fvck off when he shut it down? Sorry, I don't buy this. The last thing the OP needs is a chill pill - what he needs is a wife who respects him and boundaries at the very least and preferably one who also loves him.


Sorry but I'm not buying the predatory behavior 100 percent. I know that I am hearing one person's perception of it and I know that reality is often different than how a person perceives.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, we can only go by what the OP says - neither of us was there or knows any more than what we are told.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Well, I challenge his perspective.


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