# General advice for separation



## cbw83 (Oct 13, 2008)

My wife and I just got a separation.

I am wondering if there any general good to know ground rules. Such as, how much communication should we have? If she tries to talk to me, should I say thinks like she asked to have her own time to be independent, so that is what she needs to do? 

Also, how long do you stay separated until you start expecting progress from the other person?

I found a short term lease for 3 months. I am thinking if she isn't ready to have me back by then, or if she hasn't at least made some kind of significant progress, it might be time to think about a divorce.

What do people think?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my hubby and i have split up on a few occasions, generally for different reasons, stress, complications, infidelity, generally not getting on. 
first time we split for 10 months. totally fell out of love with eachother, but we stil couldnt let go. after that times range from 6 weeks to 3 months. 
in those times cant say it was easy. but were stil here. 
deep down we stil liked eachother, we just had to find ourselves again as relationships change with given situations.
i think if can keep an open mind on the time frame, try and court her again. i think alot of this is the prob in the first place. we lapse in our affections. keep communicating on n e level, be it small talk or a lengthy conversation, its whatever takes the mood at the time.
ask her out for a date. 
with my hubby, there has been plenty of times where divorce has been thought.
but ask us to sign the papers and we stil cant do it and that was when our marriage was at the worst.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would think this varies from one couple to the next, but I would want to establish certain ground rules with regard to dating other people so neither of you are in the dark about what your separation means.

I don't see any issue with having friendly conversations, but since her goal is wanting independence if she is asking you for advice or help with things, if it were me I'd say (in a nice way) "That's the not-so-fun part of independence"...basically acknowledge her but don't step up...let her think for herself.

Some couples attend marriage counseling while separated & I think that's a good thing, but if her mindset isn't on working on your marriage right now, it probably won't help at this point.


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## cbw83 (Oct 13, 2008)

Well we are still communicating everyday, and it isn't like our separation was a hostile thing. She just said she needs time to know what is like to be on her own, otherwise she thinks she is going to regret never having been on her own during her life.

My question is, am I, by continuing friendly conversation with her, dampening my chances of her missing me enough to want to get back together with me after this separation trial?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

cbw83 said:


> My question is, am I, by continuing friendly conversation with her, dampening my chances of her missing me enough to want to get back together with me after this separation trial?


other may tell you different...i'd say this: reciprocate friendliness. give what you get. that's gone a long way in my separation. and i think it's allowed for some desired closeness that wouldn't have been there otherwise...my two cents...


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## TD Powers (Oct 6, 2008)

Give her some space. That is what she is asking for and you should give her that respect and trust. She needs some time to realize what she would be missing and feel some loneliness. By all means, speak with her when she contacts you, be friendly and courteous. There was no hostility in the breakup so there is no reason to start it now. As you are communication everyday, do not contact her yourself unless there is something very urgent to discuss, or maybe once or twice a week. That would be up to you. When she doesn't hear from you she will miss you more and would like to remedy that feeling of loneliness.


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## tired613 (Feb 10, 2009)

Just a thought, when contacting her you may want to use email or text just so she has time to think before responding, this way you are still giving her "her space" as she has asked for. I agree with voivod that you recpricate friedliness back to her. Remember you can not unring a bell.


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## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

dont do* what i did for the last 3 weeks and that was thinking i was being friendly( and i really thought iwas), but during the conversations, i woul;d always find a way to bring up our relationship( big mistake) . it toiok me a few weeks to finally get it thru my head that this only makes the issue FAR worse. i still have a problem not wanting to talk about it, but i am slowly realising that it wasnt helping. friendly is good, harping is not.* gl


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

in a daze said:


> dont do what i did for the last 3 weeks and that was thinking i was being friendly( and i really thought iwas), but during the conversations, i woul;d always find a way to bring up our relationship( big mistake).


our counselor told *me* not to conduct *any* heavy conversation because it would tend to bring up bad thoughts or feelings.



in a daze said:


> it toiok me a few weeks to finally get it thru my head that this only makes the issue FAR worse. i still have a problem not wanting to talk about it, but i am slowly realising that it wasnt helping. friendly is good, harping is not.* gl


this is *great* advice. from a voice of experience. hey, who knows, maybe the problems will just blow over. have fun together!


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

As someone else said; every situation is different. My wife kept suggesting the separation and I moved out. A few months later she asked me to move back home, but I won't because of ALL the issues that haven't been resolved...even with counseling. I don't see the point of getting back together, if the issues haven't been resolved, because sooner or later, they'll come back up and we'll be separated again or getting a divorce. 

We also have 2 kids, ages 16 & 18, so therefore, I also don't want to be a yo-yo and moving in and out, if issues aren't resolved...starting the pain and drama all over again. 

My wife and I talk several times a week via e-mail, in person and phone, about the kids, but when it comes to our issues; it is what it is and if nothing improves in the near future we'll probably end up filing for a divorce.


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