# Ladies I need your help...



## jobill4444 (Apr 10, 2012)

I would greatly appreciate your input...

Married for 8 years, 7 yo daughter.
Rough ride for both of us in the beginning (done lots of stupid things). Everything got better, bought the appartement, money is good. Relationship is ok, sex is almost inexistant but we manage.

She now has an EA with her boss and I dont know how to behave... We have made it clear to each other that we will hold the family together no matter what. However I dont accept the situation and have have tried to bring it up but she is in the fog and in total denial. I think I am just making matters worst...

What behaviour should I have in your opinion? I am ok with an open relationship, with going on as is but divorce is not an option.

I love her more than anything and believe we can make this work. Wont be what it was I know but....

Thank you...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You're OK with an open relationship? Are you also OK when her boss starts to stick his d*ck in her because you know that this will lead here eventually (if it hasn't already)

Why isn't divorce an option? Please don't tell me because of relegious views! By caring on an affair, your wife has already violated ALL religious AND moral codes. Did your vows have anything in them about forsaking all others?

You need to read more about open relationships. They hardly ever work, especially when one spouse is not completely on-board but does it for the other spouse.

Go to the Coping with Infidelity forum here and post your story. Here's the type of advice you'd get to end this affair:

Confront your wife with hard evidence
Tell her you won't be in marriage with three people involved
Tell her she needs to choose NOW
If she chooses you, have her write a No Contact (NC) letter to the other man (OM)
If the other man is married or has a girlfriend (GF), expose the affair to her (but don't let your wife know you are going to do this). This often kills an affir off because affairs can't stand to have the light of day shined on them.
Stop being a doormat! By telling your wife that divorce is not an option and that you're OK with an open relationship, you've given here NO reason to remain faithful to you.

BTW, if it hasn't already gone physical (which I am willing to bet it has or will shortly) you need to stop this NOW. If you find out it is physical, you need to get screened for STDs right away and do not have unprotected sex with this woman!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm totally confused by your posting, Jobill. You're looking for advice on "what behavior should I have".

"I dont accept the situation"
"I am ok with an open relationship, with going on as is"

These are both your direct quotes and they are in total opposition to each other. Are you okay with this or are you not? Until you make that clear, it's really impossible to offer you any meaningful advice. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but I'm trying to be FACTUAL, not EMOTIONAL.

The pros and cons of your marriage (as stated by you):
+ money is good
+ relationship is okay
- sex is almost non-existant
- wife is in an EA with her boss

You need to ponder on what YOU want/need out of this marriage, what your 7yo wants/needs out of this marriage (don't forget, YOU AND YOUR WIFE are modelling behavior for her; she will learn what it means to be a husband and what it means to be a wife by watching the two of you; is an 'open marriage' the lesson you want her to learn and take with her through life?)

You and your wife are adamantly opposed to divorce (we will hold the family together no matter what). Guess what? So were my husband and I. We used to joke we could shoot the other, but NO divorce. Well, after 19 years or marriage and 22 years together, I am leaving him and getting divorced. Our situation is unhealthy and I realized the only way our CHILD could escape this situation is if I take her out of it (she's a young teen.) Never say never! HER NEED to feel safe, loved and happy is more important than some decision we made 20 years ago (how ever well-intentioned it was.)

Do some serious thinking and let us know whether you are OKAY with the situation or NOT OKAY with it. Then we'll be able to give you better advice.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

SLOWLYGETTINGWISER said it all!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jobill4444 said:


> We have made it clear to each other that we will hold the family together no matter what. However I dont accept the situation .....


You do realize this statement contradicts itself don`t you?

You say you will hold the family together no matter what and immediately say that you won`t accept the situation.

The only way you can hold the family together is by accepting the situation.Which is exactly what you`re doing.

If you really wouldn`t accept the situation she wouldn`t be having an EA or she`d have divorce papers on her person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

All good advice above.

The way you should be acting is to not accept the EA and firmly tell you wife this.

So she's having an EA with her boss? Does her boss have a boss? This is sexual harassment kind of behavior. When you expose the affair to his wife (if he has one) you need to expose it to the company as well. 

If your marriage is to recover, you will will have to quite her job anyway because she cannot have any further contact with him. So tell HR.

You are obviously not ok with an open marriage. Why would you even suggest this? Keeping a failed marriage together no matter what is not going to go well. It basically gives both of you the green light to cheat, mistreat each other, etc... after all there will never be a divorce right?

You wife is in the process of leaving you. That's is what such a relationship is all about.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Tell her you changed your mind. You will not "do anything" to save the marriage. You are NOT okay with her having an EA.

Let her know how it is hurting you and you want your marriage back on track. See if she'll go to counseling... but let her know it is not okay with you that she cuckolds you like this.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

What he didn't reveal is that his wife and her boss are ready to leave on a "business trip" to Paris, France very soon (said in another thread). Won't stay in a EA for much longer.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

tell her you're outta there.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

She needs to quit her job. She needs to go NC with her boss. She goes on the trip to Paris. Do not be there when she gets back.


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