# Is it just my W of are ~all women like this?



## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

*Is it just my W or are ~all women like this?*

I think I might be expecting too much from my wife. Or more acurately, expecting too little from myself. 

In conversation I (and I think this is a sort of standard male thing) am saying things that are intended to be taken at face value, but my wife (and Im starting to realize that maybe this is just a standard "woman thing") takes a lot of what I say personally. Its like for her there is this whole other emotional underpinning to what I am understanding to be mundane conversation.

FE: The last night my W and I are commuting home together. She is driving. I tell her Im hungry, and she says she is as well. We then start going down the list of stuff we eat all the time and dont want to eat tonight (pizza no; Japanese no; etc.). I then suggest that instead of eating out why dont we just eat at home tonight and go grocery shopping tomorrow since its a good idea that we cut unnecessary expenses. 

She agrees at first, then a few blocks later says, "Wait, I really want to eat at this Vietnamese restaurant." (it was comming up on the left side of the street, at the same time the right turn to our apartment was comming up). I said something to the affect of "Vietnamese, are sure?" At which point she had basically stopped in the middle of the street at a green light, waiting for me to decide what to do I guess. My only response was, "Honey, go, theres cars behind us." She made the turn to go to our home and said something like "Forget it." And I could tell she was dissapointed.

As we're walking to our apartment from the car she starts this whole spiel like, "Every time u want something you convince urself that u deserve it and just go buy it, but whenever I want something suddenly u start caring about saving money." In a very upset tone.

I was surprised to hear this and it kind of ticked me off. I assured her that wasnt the case and said that Id get back in the car and go pick her up food from the restaurant. She was having none of it tho, and continued with her angle about how selfish I was and how unimportant her desires were to me. 

I thought she was just angry that I didnt give her a reason to not feel guilty about wanting to eat out when she knows we're suppossed to be saving money, and I thought that was really immature. Then said something to her I shouldnt of, "Youre such a baby." This made her even madder, and tho I made dinner for her that night when we got home and she did eat it, we havent spoken in 24 hours since it happened.

Im starting to think that most women just need to feel that their man is on their side or endorses what they want to do, even when it isnt the best or most responsible thing to do. To them this correlates to the degree to which their man does or does not value them. I used to think that this was just my wife's own immaturity and irrational emotional stuff, but since reading this forum Im hearing this everywhere with regard to women. Do I need to stop expecting anything different from my wife, since she is a woman, and concentrate on how I should and shouldnt react to this type of behavior? Cuz getting angry and calling her a baby doesnt seem to be helping anything.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You keep thinking like that. It will be good for marriage. 

Obviously getting angry and calling her a baby doesn't work.

But neither does questioning what she clearly stated she wanted. You could ask her if she is OK with spending the money and then discuss alternatives or you could say, "OK, we won't go out to eat next week and do this now". but instead, you say something non-descript and then call her a baby when you aren't clear about your concerns -- while she was perfectly clear about what she wanted.

This isn't about right or wrong in terms of eating out or $$. This is about you not saying what you mean and then name-calling.

If she's demonstrating behavior due to her gender, do we get to do the same for you?

How about dealing with the INDIVIDUAL you are dealing with and stop with wanting to dismiss her the way you are doing? If you want to guarantee a divorce, you are well on your way there with that kind of judgement.


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## Jaceace (Oct 15, 2009)

Hi,

You are not alone, and its really the way women are. You will never figure them out and yes, as a man we do get what we want when we want it according to my wife. For example, my wife and I decided to save money and cut a few costs. the next day she went and bought new clothes and shoes $125.45and said she needed for it work. Following day I got a computer game for $19.95. 
She then shot of the handle and said" I thought we were meant to be saving money. Lol, I just shut my mouth and could not believe what she had just said.

Now if i had of bought her flowers with the $19.95, it would have been a whole different story. 

Sometimes its just best to bite your tongue i find.Cause a week after that she decided to get a planner in for some renovations which are now going to cost us well over $60.000. 

Mate, women are women. They are here to complicate our lives and make it interesting. They take everything to heart if a male says it. This time next week it will be another issue of some sort. Get a shed, with a fridge and stock it with beer. When things get rough, have a coldie mate. By the time your coldie is consumed she might have calmed down. But have a mint before returning to sort out the issue in a calmly manner. And if you can't drink........... well then ur stuffed


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

Okay! So you guys were running through a list of restaurants, correct?? So it sounds as though you had no concrete plans. So saving money was NOT the first thing on your mind either apparently. If so, your first thought of food would have been to eat at home, not to run through the list of restaurants. Then she agrees and changes her mind just in time to turn at the restaurant (probably because the upcoming turn reminded her of the restaurant), and she's wrong because she changes her mind??? Are you kidding me?? Maybe she wanted to share her first experience at that restaurant with you, and that's why she turned down your offer to pick her some food up. Have you ever thought about that?? She was probably confused because your first reaction was to think about restaurants and then when she thinks of one she likes you shoot her down because of money. Doesn't make sense to me. You men really need to stop generalizing women. You will most certainly be divorced and not end up remarried if you don't!


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

dobo said:


> You keep thinking like that. It will be good for marriage.
> 
> Obviously getting angry and calling her a baby doesn't work.
> 
> ...


Thanks for being blunt. 

Not wanting to dismiss her is the whole point. Calling her a baby obv isnt helpful. But it was never about the $, thats the thing. I never said, "No u may not get ur Vietnamese food. We need to save".

My crime was saying "Honey, go, theres cars behind us," instead of saying "Ok, Vieatnamese! Let's do it!" while we're stopped at a greenlight on a busy thoroughfare.

To me it is unreasonable for her to get upset at me for this reason. And then for her to say Im being selfish and only want to save money when _she_ wants something is just immature imo. Esp when saving money is one of the main things she gets on me about. And esp esp when I wasnt even saying she shouldnt get her food, I just didnt endorse her in the split second that I was alotted to do so when we were on the road.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Jaceace said:


> Hi,
> 
> You are not alone, and its really the way women are. You will never figure them out and yes, as a man we do get what we want when we want it according to my wife. For example, my wife and I decided to save money and cut a few costs. the next day she went and bought new clothes and shoes $125.45and said she needed for it work. Following day I got a computer game for $19.95.
> She then shot of the handle and said" I thought we were meant to be saving money. Lol, I just shut my mouth and could not believe what she had just said.
> ...


This definitely sounds familiar. I need to learn how to deal with this and to learn how to stop needing things to make sense all the time.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

That's not the reason she was upset with you. She told you what she wanted and rather than being direct, you asked her another question and then deflected and then made it about the cars behind you. She said what she wanted but you had to ask if she were sure.

How difficult would it have been to say OK or not?

By the time you wanted to question what she said she wanted (as though you didn't believe her) it was now about the cars behind you.

Look up passive-aggressive. You fit the bill.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

alaflybaby said:


> Okay! So you guys were running through a list of restaurants, correct?? So it sounds as though you had no concrete plans. So saving money was NOT the first thing on your mind either apparently. If so, your first thought of food would have been to eat at home, not to run through the list of restaurants. Then she agrees and changes her mind just in time to turn at the restaurant (probably because the upcoming turn reminded her of the restaurant), and she's wrong because she changes her mind??? Are you kidding me?? Maybe she wanted to share her first experience at that restaurant with you, and that's why she turned down your offer to pick her some food up. Have you ever thought about that?? She was probably confused because your first reaction was to think about restaurants and then when she thinks of one she likes you shoot her down because of money. Doesn't make sense to me. You men really need to stop generalizing women. You will most certainly be divorced and not end up remarried if you don't!


Eating at home to save $ was not my first thought, it was my 2nd thought, so what? And in case u missed it or something I never said she was wrong. I just didnt give her the go ahead fast enough apparently. My main concern at the time was not getting plowed into by the car behind us. 

I did not shoot her down b/c of $. I never once told her no, I just didnt tell her yes fast enough, and when I did so a minute later, for her it was to late, she was already upset.

"You men need to stop generalizing women" is in itself a generalization on men. Im hoping that this kind of this is a "woman thing" that my wife cant help doing. In that case she gets a pass and I have to learn how to deal with hit constructively. If it isnt a "woman thing" than my wife might need to take a little responsibility and not trap me into situations where Im not going to react the exact way she wants me to, and then get mad at me for it afterward.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Dude, you generalized women. Shows your immaturity and lack of experience.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

dobo said:


> That's not the reason she was upset with you. She told you what she wanted and rather than being direct, *you* asked her another question and then *deflected and then made it about the cars behind you.* She said what she wanted but you had to ask if she were sure.
> 
> How difficult would it have been to say OK or not?
> 
> ...


Ok so Im passive agressive b/c I didnt give a direct endorsement to her direct desire to eat at this restaurant in the 3-5 seconds I was alotted huh? And that gives her the right to automatically get angry and personally attack me, case closed huh?

If youre a woman, u just comfirmed that yes, this is a woman thing. Because that way of thinking is outlandishly unreasonable and careless imo.

edit: and lol at the bold. Being stopped at a green light on a 4 lane 35mph speed limit main street during rush hour w/ cars directly behind us is some how a non issue. Its me "making it about the cars behind us." LMFAO


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

dobo said:


> Dude, you generalized women. Shows your immaturity and lack of experience.


I beleive theres a ? in the title. And u never answered the question. And I think ur missing the whole point. If I were to ask "Is it just my W, or do all women have a uterus?" there wouldnt be anything wrong with that other than its a stupid question.

I am trying to find a way to better deal with this kind of thing. I dont believe I should be put in situations where I must answer correctly within a certain time limit or else taste the wrath of my wife's anger. If u think thats all fine and fair then theres something wrong with u. Im trying to figure out if its just my wife that does this, or if this type of thing is more a less a uterus. 

And I think youre immature and frankly unintelligent for jumping down my throat for "generalizing women" when 1) clearly Im simply inquiring as to whether this is a general "woman thing" or not, and 2) u never answer the question or even acknowledged that there was one.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

Okay! Now what I am getting is that you just came on here to crab about your wife, not for advice! That is how this looks to me. When you are being given some thoughts on the situation you get all defensive. Don't ask for thoughts or advice if you didn't want it. If you want to bash women maybe you should go to another site. Not one where people have SERIOUS marital issues to discuss! Just my honest opinion. Not trying to be rude! Sorry if I'm coming across that way! I am here for a serious issue, not to just crab about a little quirk that my hubby has.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

OK little man. You keep telling yourself what you want to hear. 

Grownup women will disregard you as will your current wife.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I agree dobo!


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I have a question!! Are all men jerks??? That's something I've been wondering for a while. Does the testosterone make them jerks?? Just curious! Since that obviously ISN'T a generalization according to this thread!


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

alaflybaby said:


> Okay! Now what I am getting is that you just came on here to crab about your wife, not for advice! That is how this looks to me. When you are being given some thoughts on the situation you get all defensive. Don't ask for thoughts or advice if you didn't want it. If you want to bash women maybe you should go to another site. Not one where people have SERIOUS marital issues to discuss! Just my honest opinion. Not trying to be rude! Sorry if I'm coming across that way! I am here for a serious issue, not to just crab about a little quirk that my hubby has.


Um, Im not here to complain about my wife. Advice would be nice, but your and dobo's posts have basically been attacks. Am I wrong about that? I try to include all the facts and the circumstances surrounding the incident in my OP, but I have to conclude somehow u2 either missed them, or discounted them.

I was angry at my wife for getting angry at me. But I should not have called her a baby (i thought I said that a couple times in the OP) as it isnt constructive and will just hurt her feelings.

But I still fail to see how her anger is justified here. It seems the consensus is that I need to say the right thing at the right time or else she will be upset and that will be my fault. I dont get how that would be correct, but my wife and the women on this forum seem to think it is, so maybe it is just a "woman thing" that I need to be aware of?


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

dobo said:


> OK little man. You keep telling yourself what you want to hear.
> 
> Grownup women will disregard you as will your current wife.





alaflybaby said:


> I agree dobo!


Did my OP not start with the line:

"I think I might be expecting too much from my wife. Or more acurately, expecting too little from myself."

But Im a jerk, when its u2 that are name calling?


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## Jaceace (Oct 15, 2009)

Hi alaflybaby,


All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise, don’t trust a man until he’s earned it with actions over time. Men sees many women creating the jerks they later complain about by allowing them to get away with unacceptable behavior in an effort to please them. Women excuse men in exchange for flowers, romance, compliments, good sex and sweet apologies. When they get fed up, they call men jerks.

Hope this helps






alaflybaby said:


> I have a question!! Are all men jerks??? That's something I've been wondering for a while. Does the testosterone make them jerks?? Just curious! Since that obviously ISN'T a generalization according to this thread!


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I didn't call you a name!! I agreed with dobo on the fact that women will disregard you as will your current wife. Now answer honestly, was it just a male perspective you were looking for because you'd hear what you wanted??


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

LOL @ Jaceace! I wanted to make a point about gender generalization! LOL But I think I totally agree with your outlook!! I like the way you think!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hey, Dude, at least you didn't ask her if she was on her period. 


She STOPPED at a green light and was waiting for permission to get Vietnamese and you say "go" not expressing an opinion either way, except for safety?

Definitely PMSing.


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## Otter88 (Oct 7, 2009)

Your wife is not weird, you are not bad for not understanding. Rethink:

1) You both likely had low blood sugar, her more than you, so that caused interpretations to be skewed;

2) You questioned _her decision_ to stop at the V food place. 

Remember: You _said:_ "V? Are you sure?".

Had you just said: "Sounds good to me! Turn here..." all would be well. But she may have also said: "You sure?". 

And then you were to say: "Sounds like a good call to me!". 

She would have been happy with you. You not only would have agreed but complimented her all in the space of 10 seconds.

Women want buy in on their decisions, just like all people like; and they love feeling they have a handle on things.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

alaflybaby said:


> I have a question!! *Are all men jerks???* That's something I've been wondering for a while. *Does the testosterone make them jerks??* Just curious! Since that obviously ISN'T a generalization according to this thread!





alaflybaby said:


> *I didn't call you a name!! *I agreed with dobo on the fact that women will disregard you as will your current wife. Now answer honestly, was it just a male perspective you were looking for because you'd hear what you wanted??


u sure about that?

And no it wasnt a male perspective I was looking for. But by asking that question ur assuming that all women who answered would side with my wife, and all men who answered would agree with me. Which in itself reinforces the idea that my W and I's argument did start via a disagreement that was a male/female misunderstanding.

But just to clarify, I was expecting more balanced responses instead of the "partisan" like outcome that took place.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

michzz said:


> Hey, Dude, at least you didn't ask her if she was on her period.
> 
> 
> She STOPPED at a green light and was waiting for permission to get Vietnamese and you say "go" not expressing an opinion either way, except for safety?
> ...


That's the kind of macho mess women hate. That mess will get you nowhere. Just because we react doesn't mean we have to be on our periods. So, can you tell me what causes you men to be jerks?? Do you guys have a monthly something that turns you into jerks??


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

michzz said:


> She STOPPED at a green light and was waiting for permission to get Vietnamese and you say "go" not expressing an opinion either way, except for safety?


This is what happened yes. Apparently all the women posters think that I was being passive agressive, or either they didnt think that it was a relevent factor in the situation for some reason.

but the pms comment is out of line.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

SeeThomasHowl said:


> but the pms comment is out of line.


Thanks Thomas for seeing that! I can respect you more for that! LOL Really! LOL


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

alaflybaby said:


> That's the kind of macho mess women hate. That mess will get you nowhere. Just because we react doesn't mean we have to be on our periods. So, can you tell me what causes you men to be jerks?? Do you guys have a monthly something that turns you into jerks??


Bynlarge men will act like jerks when women treat them like jerks. And my wife was treating me like a jerk. As were urself and dobo, so maybe that will give u a little insight regarding that question.


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## Jaceace (Oct 15, 2009)

alaflybaby said:


> So, can you tell me what causes you men to be jerks?? Do you guys have a monthly something that turns you into jerks??


Hiya,

The answer to your question is men sees many women creating the jerks they later complain about by allowing them to get away with unacceptable behavior in an effort to please them. 

Do you guys have a monthly something that turns you into jerks??

Yes, its the women in our lives.

Hope this helps, and please don't think I am being a jerk, just stating the facts.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

So, are you saying that you men NEVER act like jerks because you are simply in a bad mood?? Only women do that correct??? Come on, you guys aren't completely innocent! Let's be honest here.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

alaflybaby said:


> So, are you saying that you men NEVER act like jerks because you are simply in a bad mood?? Only women do that correct??? Come on, you guys aren't completely innocent! Let's be honest here.


No of course not. But at least when we're being aholes we're held accountable for it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> Hey, Dude, at least you didn't ask her if she was on her period.
> 
> 
> She STOPPED at a green light and was waiting for permission to get Vietnamese and you say "go" not expressing an opinion either way, except for safety?
> ...





alaflybaby said:


> That's the kind of macho mess women hate. That mess will get you nowhere. Just because we react doesn't mean we have to be on our periods. So, can you tell me what causes you men to be jerks?? Do you guys have a monthly something that turns you into jerks??





alaflybaby said:


> Thanks Thomas for seeing that! I can respect you more for that! LOL Really! LOL


Sheesh, has nobody got a sense of humor here? Seriously?

I guess the smileys didn't mean anything when there is serious ax es to grind.

Poor attempt at humor, I apologize for that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOL

Well this male - jerk or not - has found this thread entertaining. And Dobo - I agree that his current marital glidepath appears to be dangerously steep.

Calling your wife a baby is a bad idea. If it was me - and I had irritated my wife by not responding at the light, when she said this was part of a pattern of me putting my preferences ahead of hers, I would have asked her if I really was doing that - and if so, could she tell me what specifically I had been doing that she wanted me to stop. Then she would either tell me what - or maybe she would be quiet and think about whether it was true. If she could give some examples I would apologize. 

By the way I really believe that if the OP had executed a true platinum class marital apology, his wife would have been molified enough to go for the Viet take out and the night would have ended nicely. 













alaflybaby said:


> I have a question!! Are all men jerks??? That's something I've been wondering for a while. Does the testosterone make them jerks?? Just curious! Since that obviously ISN'T a generalization according to this thread!


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## Jaceace (Oct 15, 2009)

alaflybaby said:


> So, are you saying that you men NEVER act like jerks because you are simply in a bad mood?? Only women do that correct??? Come on, you guys aren't completely innocent! Let's be honest here.


Hi Alaflybaby,



I believe that women put too much energy into men, and not enough into themselves saying, "If you want a man, get a life." When women don’t have their whole life revolving around men, when they can have fun with friends and learn to enjoy their own company, and when they can create a complete life without a man, they’ll have healthier grounds for a relationship. When women don’t need a man to satisfy every one of their needs, things that annoyed them about men in the past may not bother them so much. When women have their own life to turn to for satisfaction, men may not seem like such jerks any more.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

Jaceace said:


> Hi alaflybaby,
> 
> 
> All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise, don’t trust a man until he’s earned it with actions over time. Men sees many women creating the jerks they later complain about by allowing them to get away with unacceptable behavior in an effort to please them. Women excuse men in exchange for flowers, romance, compliments, good sex and sweet apologies. When they get fed up, they call men jerks.
> ...


I think I took this differently when I first read it. So, are you saying that I have to pay for his past issues with women?? If that's the case, then men are jerks! Why would men look at a potential mate and think it's okay to compare her to a past mate or treat her poorly because of a past mate. That is WRONG. We don't excuse me in exchange for these things, we give them more chances, which is clearly a mistake.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

Women don't put the effort into the men. It's the relationship they are wanting. Women are built that way. I think women's minds are naturally geared towards marriage and having children. At least most of them are. Not all! But that is how we were intended to be when we were created. We do things like forgive men too easily when they do idiotic things (like talk about us PMSing - just kidding michzz -cheap shot LOL) because we do want to have a long lasting meaningful relationship. We need the companionship. That's how we were made.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

SeeThomasHowl said:


> No of course not. But at least when we're being aholes we're held accountable for it.


OK! In my home! That doesn't happen. Maybe I need to watch other homes! My dh never admits it. He is never accountable. I try but it doesn't work in my home.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> LOL
> 
> Well this male - jerk or not - has found this thread entertaining. And Dobo - I agree that his current marital glidepath appears to be dangerously steep.
> 
> ...


I definately need to do this and plan to the next time we have a chance to talk. I was way out of bounds saying that to her, even it was what I was thinking. For the record tho, she was mad before i said it. I just put the nail in the coffin with that lame comment.


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## Jaceace (Oct 15, 2009)

SeeThomasHowl,

I would set your feelings aside from the situation, because men are able to do that. Go out and get some candles and flowers and cook a romantic dinner for your wife. Even though it’s not your fault for mentioning such a simple dinner idea that has now irrupted into this frenzy. Put some petals at the front door before she walks in, this will confuse her mood and make it easier for you to apologies. Just say sorry, and trust me by the end of the night it will be well worth the effort. It’s not your fault, but in a woman’s eyes we are always at fault.

If you choose not to do what was suggested, you can look forward to another night of silence or even another argument. I know which one I would prefer. The choice is yours. Good Luck with it.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Jaceace said:


> SeeThomasHowl,
> 
> I would set your feelings aside from the situation, because men are able to do that. Go out and get some candles and flowers and cook a romantic dinner for your wife. Even though it’s not your fault for mentioning such a simple dinner idea that has now irrupted into this frenzy. Put some petals at the front door before she walks in, this will confuse her mood and make it easier for you to apologies. Just say sorry, and trust me by the end of the night it will be well worth the effort. It’s not your fault, but in a woman’s eyes we are always at fault.
> 
> If you choose not to do what was suggested, you can look forward to another night of silence or even another argument. I know which one I would prefer. The choice is yours. Good Luck with it.


Good advice bro. I was already thinking along these lines. Thanks for reinforcing it.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Jaceace said:


> Hi,
> 
> You are not alone, and its really the way women are. You will never figure them out and yes, as a man we do get what we want when we want it according to my wife. For example, my wife and I decided to save money and cut a few costs. the next day she went and bought new clothes and shoes $125.45and said she needed for it work. Following day I got a computer game for $19.95.
> She then shot of the handle and said" I thought we were meant to be saving money. Lol, I just shut my mouth and could not believe what she had just said.
> ...


:rofl: This was funny... I pretty much do that bit about the money thing all the time! And hubby has a shed he sometimes escapes too. I love it!


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

wait.. i just read this whole LONG thread and i found it kind of amazing....

in the begining... man is sexist for asking question

in the middle... he's a jerk...

now.. OMG, he's right!!!! Women do these things, becouse... who said it?? (never mind, i'm not reading again lol) women are made to make babies and forgive waht ever men do.... WTF?!?!?!

wow dude, switch to whistky... you don't need a cooler in the shed... it saves money on the electric bill lol

oh and by the way, in that particular situation, i would have said "go straight" then asked what she realy wanted to do, there by gaining more time to form an answer that kept you out of the dog house  oh, and you're right... baby was a bad idea (unless it's your pet name for her)


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

SeeThomasHowl said:


> FE: The last night my W and I are commuting home together. She is driving. I tell her Im hungry, and she says she is as well. We then start going down the list of stuff we eat all the time and dont want to eat tonight (pizza no; Japanese no; etc.). I then suggest that instead of eating out why dont we just eat at home tonight and go grocery shopping tomorrow since its a good idea that we cut unnecessary expenses.


 At this point, you were both on the 'where should we eat out' path but nothing sounded 'great' so the idea to eat at home was fine.


SeeThomasHowl said:


> She agrees at first, then a few blocks later says, "Wait, I really want to eat at this Vietnamese restaurant." (it was comming up on the left side of the street, at the same time the right turn to our apartment was comming up). I said something to the affect of "Vietnamese, are sure?"


 At this point, simple case of changed her mind because she thought of something that did sound 'great.' Her reason for eating at home was probably more like why not save a little money since nothing is sounding 'great'...now that changed.

"Are you sure?" in my opinion is where it fell apart. If it were said to me I'd be thinking "Well, if I wasn't sure I wouldn't have said I really want to eat there ... it sounds more like he isn't sure and doesn't want to go ... even though I just said I really want to eat there ... I guess it's in his court now"


SeeThomasHowl said:


> At which point she had basically stopped in the middle of the street at a green light, waiting for me to decide what to do I guess. My only response was, "Honey, go, theres cars behind us." She made the turn to go to our home and said something like "Forget it." And I could tell she was dissapointed.


"In his court and he still isn't saying 'cool, let's try it'"...Now she is disappointed and wondering why you weren't on board knowing eating there would make her happy.


SeeThomasHowl said:


> As we're walking to our apartment from the car she starts this whole spiel like, "Every time u want something you convince urself that u deserve it and just go buy it, but whenever I want something suddenly u start caring about saving money." In a very upset tone.


"Youre such a baby."=I could care less how you're feeling...

That probably clinched the deal on the silent treatment.

Acknowledge her feelings...I think it will go a long way.

As a woman, just my perspective.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

This situation sounds like something that has happened between my husband and I. Yes, as a woman it would have been upsetting to me. I've probably said something to the same effect to my husband that your wife uttered to you last night.

It's that you fight, you just have to learn how to do it. You should read Men are from Mars. . . or His Needs/Her Needs to gain some insight on how women think and communicate. 

I think you'll be fine you just need to learn the right tools.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

sorry, i was in a "funny" mood earlier...

honestly, it took me far too long to learn how to talk to my wife and how to present things to her the right way. i think that is the root of all our problems to be honest. if you keep talking to her the way you would talk to a guy friend, it will never get any better. women want/need/crave, your support and understanding. in short, they want you to agree with them and show it, be their best friend, and they want to FEEL (caps because that is the key to it all) that you are "with them" on what they say and do. you need to make this better and fast because once she decides you are not "on her side" she will loose the FEELING that you are there for her and you become unaproachable, no matter how approachable you may be. 

you are the man in the relationship. this not only meens to be strong and provide for her, it also means that you need to be the emotionally strong one. not all men and women can see that we ARE two separate beings, and some times, some one in the relationship has to learn to accept that the other will not see this and understand them as a different beings, that person will also, if they want to live with this person and they do love this person, have to cooperate with the others inabilit to see this. now, it may sound like i am saying that you should just give in, but i am not, you need to learn how to comunicate with that person be it male or female, using the same frame of mind they do, otherwise you will never understand each others true feeling and emotions during a discussion. so as the man, and being that you have now "steped up" and sought out help for your comunication gap, you should follow through and try to fix things on your end. in time, she may see the same thing about your differing view points and try see thigs the way you do. but, if she doesn't, do not hold it against her, just keep being the support, the pillar, the man in the relationship. and, remember, if she starts to sound petty to you, it's not that she is being petty or unfreindly, she is confiding in you, she is showing you her true feelings, never throw it back at her, just as you would not want her to do that, accept what she has to say and build from it while trying to understand her point o view. when she stops confiding in you is when you realy have a problem.

sumerization: it takes two to fight, be the man and try to work it out before it turns to yelling. see her point of view and try to understand it. if you see a flaw in her thinking, then you need to find a way to address it with out sounding as though you are arguing with her. and make sure that when all is done, she knows you will always be her best friend.


now, i am sure that i am going to be called sexist or a hole slew of other things for this post and i am sorry to any one that i may offend. but this has been my experience. and as i said it took me far to long to see that i had driven that wedge that made her feel like i was unapproachable, when the whole problem was that we were both approaching things from different angles. hers was feeling and mine was material... i was stuck on facts and figures and keeping our home running and she was talking of her feelings... eventually she stopped trying to make me see her point of view and i thought things were getting better because we never argued any more, when in fact, she had given up.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Great post, hoping.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

some of the ladies on this forum are gender protectors. its no big deal, ya just gotta see through them. women can be b***ches and men can be jerks. each gender has different methodologies. a couple of them have found a way to make this completely your fault without even giving your wife any credit for the issue.

she stopped the car in the middle of the road to get your attention and force you to make a decision (knowing it would make you uncomfortable, why else just stop), you made it, she didnt like it and got pizzed. you made it worse with the baby comment (acknowledged as a mistake). i have seen my wife do similar things, it gets to resemble some sort of test sometimes. if you fail the test you get villified, oh well.

i dont typically play these games when she is trying to. mine did it today with something, i just didnt engage her because i knew the outcome, it was clearly a trap.

now, ladies, i will fully acknowledge that men can be jerks. everybody has thier moments for sure.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

thank you swedish


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

Funny how your martial dispute can be replayed online.

First of all to answer your question, "Is it just my W?" No, there are at least 2, yours and mine. And judging from the responses, there are probably lot more than 2.

Calling your wife baby maybe a bad move. But your point still stands. She was acting childishly. And I will give my reason here.

---

"We are hungry, let's find something to eat"

"Where? Pizza no. Japanese no."

H: "Why don't we eat at home. We should cut down the expense"

One minutes later, W: "Wait, I really want to eat at this Vietnamese restaurant."

H: "Vietnamese, are u sure?"

W stopped the car in the middle of street at a green light.

H: "Honey, go, theres cars behind us."

<<< this is the turning point >>>

One the way home, wife was pissed off at H.

H: Youre such a baby.

More trouble and anger follows.

---

I think both SeeThomasHowl and I are perplexed is that how did it arrive at the turning point when things started to turn nasty, despite in the whole conversation people are just speaking their mind and nothing was really out of line.

Some good intentioned posters suggest you should go for what she want the moment she say it without question. In another word, treat her like a princess. It isn't a bad idea to treat your wife like a princess sometimes. On the other hand we adults are living in a real world. Can you really expect the husband to treat the wife like a princess every single time. Money, unromantic as it sounds, has to be part of the conversation sometimes. Husband is an adult. And he should be able to express himself even if it does not rhymed with your. If the wife can't bear it, she has not matured for the real world.

Here is my first message to women, "HE HAS NOT DENIED YOU". He was lukewarm, but he has never denied you. Read the original post again to find what you have missed. He said he can go to the Vietnamese if she wants. I expect an adult to be able to handle people have different ideas. An mature person should be able to continue a conversation, to assert yourself in a nice way and to persuade a lukewarm person into action. That's a lot to ask I guess. But learn to assert yourself in a nice way. That's the difference between a matured and immature person. I wish the conversation could have go this way,

After moving the car into a side street,

W: "Are we going to Vietnamese of not?"

H: "Is that what you really want?"

w: "I'm tired of cooking at home"

H: "OK. Let's turn around then."

Wife continue the conversation in a mild manner, assert herself. Husband readily give what she want when she is able to assert herself.

Here is my second message to women, "your husband wants to please you, but you must be ready to be pleased." I'm not joking. Give him a good reason to do what you want. Say "I'm craving for beef noodles", "Jenny say it is the best Vietnamese restaurant around town". Acting pissed off will completely blow it. It won't get you what you want, at least not in a good way. I can't say this for every men. But I can tell SeeThomasHowl sincerely want to work things out. I wish his wife understand this and does not make it difficult for him to do so.

Finally I think calling men jerks are out of line here. People should refrain from posting when they are emotional.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

How hard is it to say, "Yes I want to eat Vietnamese" or "NO, I don't want Vietnamese?" Asking "Are you sure?" means what exactly? "Are you sure you don't want to do what I want you to do?" "Are you sure you know what you want?" "Are you sure you are a grownup and should even be driving a car let alone telling me where you want to eat?"

That type of communication is bound to cause problems. It is unclear. It is avoidant. It is plain irritating -- from any gender.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

hey, dobo.. are you sure?



LOL sorry i had to do that 

but seriously.. i agree. the type of communication you use determines how your words are accepted.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

hoping said:


> hey, dobo.. are you sure?


There's this jerk beeping his horn behind me trying to make me move out of the intersection I've just stopped in to think about my answer. I'll let you know when the light turns red and I have a moment to collect my thoughts.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you can successfully pick out all of the women that responded to your post - you have your answer.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i have no idea if all or most women are like your wife.

i can say with some certainty, based on my experiences with women, that one should never respond to a query about dinner out with an observation about finances.

and i think you kinda figured that one out already. 

i've also learned it's not a good idea to, when a woman is driving, suggest to her how to drive.

the corallary to that is: she's allowed to comment on your driving. why, i don't know. that's just the way things seem to be.

you've also figured out it's a very very bad idea to tell a woman she's acting like a baby, no matter what she's doing.

that lesson alone probably added 5 years to your life expectancy.

i don't care if she puts on a diaper and starts sucking on a bottle. DO NOT tell her she's acting like a baby.

now, do all three of those things in the same conversation, well, run, duck, and cover. it's gonna be a long winter.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

dobo said:


> How hard is it to say, "Yes I want to eat Vietnamese" or "NO, I don't want Vietnamese?" Asking "Are you sure?" means what exactly? ... That type of communication is bound to cause problems. It is unclear. It is avoidant. It is plain irritating -- from any gender.


"Are you sure" means he is seeking a confirmation. It is a simple expression. He was lukewarm and undecided. This is a common feeling. Both sexes can have this feeling. And both sexes have every right to express their reservation.

If is easy for you to say in a hindsight that "NO" is acceptable and "Are you sure" is not. Had he say that he will just gone down another path to disaster. He may then send another post for help. And then our helpful advisors here will just lecture him that he should never have flat out said "NO" to his wife and he got what he deserve.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> i can say with some certainty, based on my experiences with women, that one should never respond to a query about dinner out with an observation about finances.


Your experience is certainly not universal. My mother think eating out is extravagant. And I have know many women prefer affordable restuarant to expensive ones.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Actually, no is a much better answer. Your prediction about how this would have been received by the people here is almost certainly tainted by your own negative experiences with women. But logically, even if she were not happy with the answer, it would have been a more honest expression. As it was, he wasn't seeking confirmation. He just didn't have the balls to say what he was really thinking. It was emotionally dishonest as well as ambiguous. 

When you are emotionally honest, then we can discuss other issues like how firm of an agreement did they have on $$ and eating out, and whether if she still got upset, she was behaving badly. Instead, we have the fallout from his inability to be direct and then resorting to name-calling when he was frustrated by a situation he helped create.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

Why do you think 'no' is a better answer? He has never meaned no. I should not speak for him but he has explicitly mentioned something like "I assured her that wasnt the case". You are taking a lack of interest as an absolute no. Which is almost certainly not the case.

I definitely expect mature adults will work this out instead of assuming they are rejected. The wife should be having her Vietnamese food had she learned to express herself instead of acting out.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

dobo said:


> Actually, no is a much better answer. Your prediction about how this would have been received by the people here is almost certainly tainted by your own negative experiences with women.


Perhaps. But I will put all my money on my prediction. I don't see how someone who's irritated by a simple expression will instead take a blunt "no" graciously.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

dobo said:


> . He just didn't have the balls to say what he was really thinking. .


and risk being labeled an unyielding overbearing arse****?

no win situation


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I'll add this as well! I'll be nice tonight! LOL I am capable of being nice to men! LOL All jokes aside! Here's a thought, and this is just a thought thrown out there. It's not something that I think could be concrete. Maybe, just maybe, she might have wanted you to be interested in something she wanted to try, without question. What do you think?? That's just a thought.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

aurorazz said:


> Your experience is certainly not universal. My mother think eating out is extravagant. And I have know many women prefer affordable restuarant to expensive ones.


no one's experience is universal, that's why i prefaced with 'in my experiences'

andandand the op wasn't having a conversation about how much to spend at a restaurant, it was about him responding to his wife's query about eating out with a statement about the family's personal financial goals.

other than that, you were right on target.

have a frog.:bounce:


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm sorry. When all you are interested in is winning, you are right. There is no right answer.

If you are interested in communicating, it is all up in the air. But the difference is, you get to know one another.

A lot of you guys are immature. Hold onto it while you can. But your wives will leave you. You know the sexless marriages? You're on your way there. 


Grow up or don't. It matters not to me.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

aurorazz said:


> Perhaps. But I will put all my money on my prediction. I don't see how someone who's irritated by a simple expression will instead take a blunt "no" graciously.


This is a very good point. (this is OP btw) Damned if I do damned if I dont imo.

I have since read most of this thread aloud to my W and it has been somehwat eye opening for both of us.

*alaflybaby*: my wife seems to be partial to the POV of your first posts. I have thus given them more weight and we have read and reread them. So thank u, even tho I still disagree w/ ur POV.

*dobo*: I disagree w/ 99.9999% of what u had to say (in this and other threads) and think youre pretty pressumtive, but I do have a ton of respect for u w/ regard to ur honesty. Thank you for sharing your opinons.

Bottom line, I love my wife. She loves me. We're supportive of eachother, faithful to eachother, in love w/ eachother, and have eachother's back. But MISUNDERSTANDINGS do happen. 

What this thread has proven via poster responses is that my wife is not an untypical woman, and Im not an untypical guy. And PC or not, a large amount of our misunderstandings do have their roots in gender. The stark division in posters' POVs along gender lines in this forum has more or less proven that, i think.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So there you have it. Now go take your wife to the Vietnamese restaurant tonight, go home, make love, be happy, keep talking - and don't let me catch you around here again ...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Deejo said:


> So there you have it. Now go take your wife to the Vietnamese restaurant tonight, go home, make love, be happy, keep talking - and don't let me catch you around here again ...



great advice. time to "suprise" her.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Deejo said:


> So there you have it. Now go take your wife to the Vietnamese restaurant tonight, go home, make love, be happy, keep talking - and don't let me catch you around here again ...



Oh how i wish it turned out this way


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm staying out of this one


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