# I'm losing my husband and best friend...



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I'm hoping that by writing my story, I can accept what's happening: My husband of 9 years (we've been together for 14) is moving out tonight. We've never had an exciting marriage, but its been comfortable and we've always been there for each other. The problem is neither of us wanted to upset each other, so the important things like our lack of sex life and intimacy didn't get discussed. My husband fell out of love with me at some point and feels he's been dishonest with me and himself for letting things go so long. He's struggling with himself internally and it hurts to watch this. I feel terrible knowing that I helped to cause this turmoil. We've never had a social circle and this upsets him because it was always me and him. He's beginning to make new friends, but its hard for me because I am shy and not outgoing. I want to give him the space to reconnect with himself before we find "us" again. I am just as much to blame for not confronting our issues and I so regret not being open with him. I know we had something at one time and we can find it again but I'm afraid I've lost him for good. I'm sorry this was long, but I've been needing to get this out. Thanks!


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Well I have found this forum to be very helpful so you did a good thing by coming on here and posting, for some people that's not easy. I am sorry you are going through this. It's very painful. However, from the little you wrote you made some smart comments such as you do realize that you need to give him space. That's number one right now and number two is that you realize that you caused some of this. It sounds like you two had a good marriage just maybe lacking excitement. You mentioned that both of you didn't want to upset the other by not bringing up some issues such as sex( or lack there of) etc. But look at what is happening now bc both of you chose not to discuss it. Use this time for you. Give him his space but work on you. Get to the bottom of some issues that you feel were your part. Communication is a big part of a successful marriage and that could be where you both were lacking. I know you mentioned you are shy, but get out. Talk to your friends. And if you feel like you don't really have any or none that you want to discuss this with...maybe poss. counseling? Or join a club. Take a class at a local community college. Find what you enjoy and hopefully he will use this time to do the same. That way when you two reunite, you both will have hobbies and interests and that will keep things exciting.


----------



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Thanks for the encouraging words. I have friends at work, but none that I want to discuss my situation with. I have seen a therapist and will try to continue my sessions. I want us to go to counseling together, but I know it won't help until he resolves his personal issues. I would give anything for a second chance. Even if we discovered things aren't the same between us, I at least want a chance to fight and know we tried. Is that wrong?


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

No not at all of course you want to do everything you possibly can. But understand this Zoe, we don't always get the answers we want. You can't change him you can only change you.


----------



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Thanks for listening. I've been reading the other posts and it makes me sad to know that others are going through the same pain, but at the same time, it helps to know that I am not the only one.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Before he told you it was over - did he warn you that the entire relationship was at risk? 

Is it that he really fell out of love with YOU, or did he fall out of love with you because he really felt you did not love him, did not care about what he wanted and that you were not attracted to him?





ZoeCat said:


> I'm hoping that by writing my story, I can accept what's happening: My husband of 9 years (we've been together for 14) is moving out tonight. We've never had an exciting marriage, but its been comfortable and we've always been there for each other. The problem is neither of us wanted to upset each other, so the important things like our lack of sex life and intimacy didn't get discussed. My husband fell out of love with me at some point and feels he's been dishonest with me and himself for letting things go so long. He's struggling with himself internally and it hurts to watch this. I feel terrible knowing that I helped to cause this turmoil. We've never had a social circle and this upsets him because it was always me and him. He's beginning to make new friends, but its hard for me because I am shy and not outgoing. I want to give him the space to reconnect with himself before we find "us" again. I am just as much to blame for not confronting our issues and I so regret not being open with him. I know we had something at one time and we can find it again but I'm afraid I've lost him for good. I'm sorry this was long, but I've been needing to get this out. Thanks!


----------



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I knew that my husband was going through some issues - maybe a mid-life crisis- and questioning everything in his life. He says he feels guilty because he never (as he puts it) loved me "like a husband should love a wife". That he was going through the motions and didn't want to say anything because it would upset me. Since we enjoyed being around each other (or so I thought) and never had arguments, we kept floating along. We never talked about our missing sex life. He never pushed me and it was always easy to blame it on misc health issues. I knew in the back of my mind that we couldn't go on like this for ever, but my shyness and insecurities kept me from talking and bringing this into the open. He has always been so kind and understanding - maybe a little too understanding. So I guess, I didn't love him "like a wife should love a husband" despite loving him with all of my heart. My lack of self-esteem and selfishness has cost me my marriage and I am so ashamed. Everything I do now is probably too little, too late and I don't blame him for leaving.


----------



## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

I can not offer any advice, but our stories are so similar it is scary. I posted about 5 minutes ago. We are going through the same, if ever you want to vent off any anger, hate, sadness, or anything else, please feel free. I have pushed my husband to love someone else, and there is nothing now I can do, it is out of my hands. I wish I hated him, but I dont.
When he comes home, we are going to concentrate on being friends, I know it is not going to be easy for me, but for the kids sake I want us to be friends.
He also speaks openly about this new love of his to me, at the moment it is all emotional love, it might sound strange that he does, but I ask him to, and in a small way it has helped me. We still love each other, but like you say my selfishness pushed him away, I have no-one else to blame but myself, I do strongly believe that if she was not in the picture, me and him could of tried.
Is there no way you guys will try, or is it over for sure?
I hope you have a good day, so far mine is okay, woke up at 5am thinking about him. I HATE THAT.
Getting things out of your system helps me, everytime you feel some strong emotions, feel free to go to my thread and let rip. and I hope I can do that here as well.
Sorry no advice, but I hope we can help each other.
Nanook


----------



## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

My day is over, My day was okay, not going to say I did not think of him totally. Because I have been a bit preoccupied lately, I have not spent the time I wanted to with the kids. So today I concentrated just on them, and got through the day much easier. And I need to start concentrating on what I have now, not on what I have lost. I do not think he is sitting there constantly thinking about me, I know that is not the case, so I am not going to give him the satisfaction, of me dwelling on him.
I hope you have an okay day, if not, I am hear to hear you rant for as long as you want.
Take care Zoecat


----------



## Outofluck09 (Nov 21, 2009)

Don't apologize. I am losing my wife and best friend. We did everything together and I,too made mistakes along the way that helped her in her decision. I love her dearly and this hurts like hell and she tells me this is it, no reconcilliation. It sounds as if you at least have a chance at that. I just found out two weeks ago she wanted out. This is our second marriage and my problem was that I was not there for her kids. I had my own, but I just didnt show her enough in that area. I wish I could have it all back. I wish you the best.


----------



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I took a big first step and went out with the girls from work for lunch and a movie. I'm not social, so this was really outside of my comfort zone. I did okay, but someone would say something funny and I'd think of him or I'd remember it was a movie he wanted to see. I'm sitting in my house that is partially empty of his things and I'm crying my eyes out. I'm trying to take it one hour at a time and hang on to the little bit of hope I have.


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

What you did today was a start ok! A step in the right direction. Yes during your time out you were thinking of him but at least you were out. And the more you force yourself to go out...eventually the less you will think of him. For now just focus on even a few minutes of getting your mind off of him. Every little distraction helps Zoe. Hang in there. It is a process but every day every step is a step towards healing.


----------



## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Well done Zoecat, like Ashe22 said, you did it, so that is good. I do exactly what you do, everything I do I am thinking of him, no matter what tiny thing I am doing. We need to just keep busy. Have you thought of any hobbies you would like to do, join a club, I know you say you are not very social, try joining a club, as small as it is, or something even on your own, but get into something new to try. I have joined a run/walk club, I am going to learn to paraglide, going to phone them on Monday, and also want to learn how to surf, met a lady at the run/walk club, her husband teaches, so will sort that out for next year.
I had a blow this morning, I was lying in bed with my 6 year old daughter, and she turned and asked, mom when are you and daddy getting married again, my heart just sunk. I changed the subject. She brought it up because not long ago me and her were discussing this, how me and her daddy were going to renew our vows.
When to tell these kids, I do not know, how to tell them, I do not know when. With him working away, it is not obvious to them, they will see no difference.
Anyway moved his clothes to spare room, for when he gets home in 10 days. Going to box up some of his **** now.
Take care and seriously think of a club you can join, or an activity to do on your own. We are a friendly bunch out there, and you might be amazed how many friends you find.
nanook


----------



## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

I am also a very quite and not social person. Id rather stay home watch a movie . So its very hard now that he is gone.Like you we have been together many years 16. and married 8. Three kids. But I am joining a gym so that I can get my mind off of him and on me. Staying home will only make you think about it more . I cried everyday these months because I havent done nothing but work and come straight home. Now after a hard 4 months of separation I feel Im learning things the hard way. The advice here is so applyable and I wish I wouldve listened from the beginning. Sorry you are going through this I would never wish this on anyone! Its really heartbreaking but like you said take it day by day. I am also reading THE SECRET to try to change the negative thoughts that occupy my mind. If you think Positive , Positive things will happen. If you are negative , negativity will fill your mind and life. Well thats how Ive interpreted the book.


My lack of self-esteem and selfishness has cost me my marriage and I am so ashamed. Everything I do now is probably too little, too late and I don't blame him for leaving. 

Well I feel the same way but we have to learn from our mistakes. We behaved this way during our marriage lets try not to do the same during our breakups from our Husbands.


----------



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

My husband just stopped by to pick up some things. We watched the game and had some lunch together. Didn't really talk about much, just spent some time with the dogs. This is the first time in several days I didn't break down while he's been around. Is it wrong to spend some time together without discussing all of the issues? We will probably see each other several times a week and while I don't want to brush things under the rug, does it really do any good to re-hash everything every time we see each other.


----------



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Zoe-

one of the keys to re-connecting is to not re-hash things. Small talk, normal talk are what you want. Act like you are fine and dandy with everything. He'll notice. Everytime you are with him be the person that is confident, attractive, and independent. Avoid talk about the issues unless he brings them up. And then, put a happy face on everything...remember, you are fine and dandy. 

Think positive. Don't act like a victim. Positive self talk works. Tell yourself "I am not the victim" "I am strong" "I will be great" "This is just an opportunity" The more you do this, the more it will become second nature and you'll start to believe it.


----------



## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Remind him why he fell in love with you. Do not bring anything up if it is not necessary, be positive around him, be fun, be your old self. If he wants to bring something up, then chat about it, if you want to start crying, think of something positve etc,,,try as hard as you can not to break down infront of him. As bad as what we feel our lives are, there are people out there, worse off than us, whenever I feel teary, I think of what I am grateful for, or think of worse cases than me, it works with me.
he will not want to spend time with you, if evertime you break down, so well done for not! You have done very well. Hope next time will be the same. I am sure there will be the odd time, nothing we can do about that.
Good Luck


----------



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I empathize. I think the grief of losing my best friend is even more painful than the loss of my partner. 
I wish you all the best. Be good to yourself.


----------



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I just wanted to thank everyone for their words of encouragement. I've been positive and upbeat when seeing my husband this week. We saw each other at the gym last night and I encouraged him through his workout. Its been a little easier during the day now that a few friends know my situation. The long holiday weekend is a little daunting. Most everyone I know will be out of town or busy with their own extended families. This is the one year that I wish I had close family to spend time with. My husband and I are doing Thanksgiving lunch together. Its nice to keep that the same. I am so thankful that we aren't fighting or arguing and we can spend a little time together. 

I have one question: Right now, I am trying really hard not to suggest spending time together but I'm worried: is that reverting back to my old ways of waiting for him to initiate everything? I am so confused right now.


----------



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Zoe-

I know you want to spend time with him. However, resist 'chasing' him at this point. The more you ask for time or suggest getting together, the more he will withdraw. 

If you can give him space and withdraw yourself, there is a chance that he will pursue. He will notice for sure. If you are strong enough, even turn him away in some instance. If he asks to come over or wants you to do something with him, come up with an excuse to say "I can't". It's tough to follow through with this when your heart is screaming to grab hold of every minute he offers. But it works. Following your feelings won't help you at this juncture. Gotta do what works.

This might just help flip the dynamic of what is going on and help change his thinking.


----------



## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

I agree, I know you will want to spend every second you can with him, you might be thinking, this could be the day things change.
But try not ever suggesting a day to spend with him. If you really find it tough to say no, can not come over, say, I am sorry, not tomorrow, but how about and give another day. That way you have done a tough thing but but you will be happy because you know when you will see him. and at the same time he will wonder why not tomorrow, be vague, say you are going out with a group of friends. If he does not ask, do not say anything, try making the conversation short, so his mind will work overtime.
Good luck


----------



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

This weekend was quiet. I got a lot of things done around the house. Also had time to think. Started a journal so I can write down the self-revelations or other rantings that I have through out the day. I realized that I've not spent time or energy on myself in a long time. When I realized I could fit into my favorite dress this weekend, it gave me the boost I needed to keep working out and getting my weight down. I also went out and bought lingerie (something I have not done since I started putting on weight). I knew that no one would see it, but wearing something nice gave me a little boost of confidence for Thanksgiving dinner  I smiled, encouraged, and didn't think for a second of "poor me" while we were together this weekend. I am looking for some volunteer opportunities so I can stay busy but still do something worthy. I know not everyday or weekend will be this positive, but I'm learning to take it one day at a time and to appreciate the good days. Thanks for listening.


----------



## kimberl6 (Nov 30, 2015)

Wow, I am reading all of your post and I cannot begin to tell you how exact your story resembles mine in every single way. !!!!! And it stinks I know. Thanks for sharing.


----------

