# It's been 2 years since I screwed up...



## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

It's been more than 2 years since I admitted having an affair (which resulted in a son). Me and my partner got through the worst of it and have been trying to make things better. I've changed drastically in those two years. Had a career change to ease her mind, cut communication with the other party since then, cut communication with all my friends that remind her of my stupidity, etc. 

But every time we have a fight. Even the most trivial of things, she brings up the past and threatens to leave me. She still keeps a copy of my previous conversations with the other party. And she keeps referring to it and brings it up when we have an argument. I try to understand her. But now I am teetering at the edge. When things are ok, we are super ok. But the smallest mistake, and things go out of hand quickly.

The most recent fight was about how I raise my daughter. There's has been a death in the, well not family, but someone close to us. It was a violent death. A stabbing. A murder. When my daughter asked me what happened, I told her that something happened because of a bad man. My wife was livid. Told me I shouldn't have told her (she's 4 now). I told her I wanted to tell the truth and, despite some candy coating with my words, wanted to tell the truth so our daughter can understand what happened. She thinks I'm wrong. And though I'm in no position to say whether what I did was right or wrong, I felt it was needed. Needless to say, it started there and things have been spiraling downward ever since. 

My wife now argues with me over the littlest of things. Bringing up the past that we both agreed was past. She says she can't forget, and that she wants out. 

I'm getting tired of all these ups and downs. All I want is peace. I've changed for the better I know that. But she still clings to the past and it consumes her to the point that both of us are on the verge of giving up. I don't know what to do. I want to hold on, but with the way she acts I want to give up as well. She feels I'm not worth it and that her life is better without me. It hurts, and now I don't know whether to stay or just give up as well.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Regarding what you told your daughter, I have the same issues. My wife sugar coats or lies to the kids. I tell them more of the truth. I think this is largely about how we were raised as kids. Your caregivers were probably more direct, hers less. All of this stuff needs to be negotiated. My wife and I will be going to parenting class to discuss how to handle this stuff.

Regarding bringing up the past, that just isn't fair. You need to do some marrital counselling with someone qualified and she needs to stop bringing that stuff up in a fight. She doesn't need to let it go as things about it will trigger her and it will come up, but she can't use it in a fight. That's just not fair. 

Regarding "ups and downs", you're just going to have them! That is one of the consequences of cheating!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

hold up. i'm on the other side of 2 years- and just today in a stupid heated moment my H said something that was a trigger for me. it took me hours rather than minutes to get over it. and i told him why - yes because it was a trigger.

he also has - like you - moved far far away from where he was in life and is now a much better person to me. but guess what...
i'm sorry but you reap what you sew. 

please, please please, 
when your W who you love and want to be with has a moment - 
please just understand, triggers will be there forever. The MORE she loves you, the more a trigger will last. 

Don't give up, give in, or go out. Just get through it. 
You reap what you sew. You've given her lemons. Together you are making lemonade out of it - but on some days it does rain and that lemonade stand has to deal. 

Please stick wiht her. You've changed her. And she may have those triggers for ever. Just be there for her. 

My marriage councilor said that I have an anxiety issue - which was heghtened by my H's extremely harmful behavior. So no - and forever, when one is anxious they look for the 'enemy' as a way of targeting how to deal with the problem. I noticed that when I'm anxious about ANYTHING - work, kids, anything - i all of a sudden have my H's affair triggers everywhere. Hyper sensitivity. Its just how my brain works. Now I know it. My H knows it. And we deal. 

You reap what you sew. Please don't give up on her. Focus on the good - great moments. And when she has a bad moment - she's hurting. Help her, don't hate her.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

I agree with the above poster. Who are you to say after 2 years / 1 year / 10 years she should be 'over it'? YOU created this mess. You should have kept it in your pants...if not, don't whinge and moan about the consequences now. Sorry if that sounds harsh but, really, I think you deserve whatever you get. If you don't like it, you shouldn't have done what you did.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Zero -- is there a chance that she thinks you are still holding back the truth from her about your affair? That can be a real reconciliation killer sometimes. 

I am on the other side of the fence here, but please hear me out. I don't think it is okay for her to constantly throw the affair in your face, two years later. Thats a bit much. What I DO think is going to be great, is when you see that is happening, ask calmly "Why are we talking about my affair? What can I do to help ease any pain you are having from it? and then ask what the fight is REALLY about. 

Try not to ignore her feelings, and she should try to understand yours. The fighting won't help get anywhere, so put on your calm face. Work together. If you daughter wants to know something and you think you and your wife might disagree, tell your daughter "Hey, we will talk about that in a couple of hours, I need to speak to your mom for a few minutes" and talk it out there.


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## vadu2006 (Jan 24, 2011)

zero said:


> I'm getting tired of all these ups and downs. All I want is peace. I've changed for the better I know that. But she still clings to the past and it consumes her to the point that both of us are on the verge of giving up. I don't know what to do. I want to hold on, but with the way she acts I want to give up as well. She feels I'm not worth it and that her life is better without me. It hurts, and now I don't know whether to stay or just give up as well.


You should seriously stop whining. She is suffering the results of damage you caused so take responsibilty until it is fixed.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

Me being on the other side I understand the triggers. I think of many remarks I could say about about the affairs durring triggers. I choose not to. Give her some respect. She hurts every day. I am 17 months from Dday. I still think every day of the pain she caused. Some days are rough. I experience teary eyes weekly. She might not be able to control herself as well as some. She will never GET OVER IT. She will hopefully some day learn to deal with it. My biggest hurt is when we talked about the affairs she lied. She did not tell the truth. There were other men and I know for a fact. I have proof. I feel I am being lied to every day. The whole truth would help me heal. Have you been truthfull. If not she might know you are still lying. Patience......do your best to be a good husband and friend and understand her pain. Give her time.


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