# A stranger in my own home



## lostandconfusedwife

After 4 and a half years of marriage I realize that I married for convenience. We were only together for 5 months before we were engaged and married by the time we reached a year together. He had been through a horrible divorce about 2 years prior and I had been through a stream of bad relationships. He had custody of his two boys with their mother being a horrible load of baggage. I had my little girl with the father not in the picture at all after having him sign over his rights. We both wanted someone to settle down with and be parents to our children. Neither one of us partied or drank. We were both just homebodies that wanted to be happy. So it was very easy to fall for each other. We never did have a dating period in our life. Within 3 months we were living together and he was the daddy role to my daughter and I was the mom in charge that did everything for his kids and mine. We got along just fine but I look back now and that it's because we were too busy with full time jobs, college, 3 kids, and life to realize that on the inside it was empty.

Our sex life has always been bad. I actually just thought that since we were new to each other it would take time and that what each of us wanted would be learned and eventually the parts would all fit. He has always been a selfish lover. He seems to be satisfied with what I do for him and that's it. Even on the rare occasions that the time is spent on me, well it's just not good. I have never felt any passion with him. The kind where you wanted to rip his clothes off and no power could stop you. I have told him what I needed and wanted in that department and still nothing has changed. It's as if I never mentioned it at all.

On the outside our life looks wonderful. My husband has a good paying job while I stay at home with our 17 month old. We have a beautiful home, not really any kind of debt like credit cards or anything. We do all the sports and take plenty of family vacations. But my husband is not motivated at all. Anything that happens I have to plan or push for. He hates being outside if it means he has to get hot or do any kind of physical labor. I understand that being like that doesn't mean he is a bad person. But when his parents are the ones who do all our outside upkeep then there is a problem. We live on 10 acres and it's shared with his parents in their house and his grandmother in her mobile home. 

He forgets that special occasions are coming up and he is a bad gift giver. Not that if he was the greatest at it then the situation would be any better. I am just really good at it and he is not so I take notice. I do absolutely everything outside of bringing home the paycheck. I am a complete homemaker. I pay all the bills and keep up with the money. My house is always kept up and clean. I make his lunches and dinners everyday and clean up after him. I do all after school homework and projects with the kids. He has never done any kind of shopping for himself whether it be for clothes or personal items or Christmas gifts of any kind. I know that a lot of it is my fault. I should just tell him to take part in it all right. The times that he has put a foot forward to show initiative has been a total bust. I make sure that I tell him I appreciate what he is doing or did. 

He is very kind. He makes sure and tell me thank you for dinner or whatever it is that I do for him. We tell each other we love each other everyday. 

Now on the down side he had a horrible temper. He takes medicine for depression and it helps control his anger but when he pushed it's over. We can not talk. Every single serious issue that ever gets brought up ends with a fight. He is always right and I eventually just give up. That is a major reason I do not speak to him about how I am feeling most of the time. I would rather save my energy. I have written him letters recently and told him in detail of how I was feeling about my life and our personal problems. He ignored them all and even told me that it seemed better to ignore them then to address them because he doesn't know what to do. So now we pretend that it's all ok, except it's not. I am dying inside.

He doesn't like having friends. He says he is perfectly content with having none. So after he works his full time job on a computer he comes home, eats dinner, sits back down at his computer and that is where he stays, 7 days a week. So I have no companionship. He doesn't sit with me on a couch or put his arm around me. There is no flirting or touching of any kind. I get the normal peck goodbye and hello and that's it. Now that I look back it has always been the same. It's never been a type of relationship where we touched and flirted and had that steamy can't take your hands off each other type of thing. 

His ex wife is horrible. She has caused me so much stress and tears. She is a bad mom and terrible person to have to deal with. She divorced her 6th husband 2 years ago and has new guys in and out of the boy's life's. She lives off the government and doesn't pay the bills she does have.She lies and tells everyone she has custody and even gets food stamps for them supposedly living there. She even was arrested on the way to the boys football game during her weekend visitation due to 11 bounced checks. They took her away in front of them and we had to pick them up and get them to the game. She bailed out and then showed up and the game ready to take them back home for the weekend like it was no big deal. (Of course we didn't let her) We are in and out of court constantly and my husband refuses to communicate with her at all because it always ends up in a screaming match. So I am left to handle it all. I put a smile on on my face and try and deal with her the best I can even though I despise her and disagree with everything she does with my stepsons. 

I do not feel like there is anything left for me to feel for him in that deep down love feeling. I love that he is a great dad and provider. I love that he respects me and doesn't put me down or tell me I can't do things. I am so comfortable with the rest of my life that I can't imagine my kids not having both of us side by side with them. I am not happy at all with all the emotional things that I am missing. It's just never been there. I have been content and just dealt with it for so long because I felt like it would change or somehow he and I would connect on that level but it hasn't happened yet. I feel like he is perfectly happy with everything and I am the one that has some huge problem that I shouldn't have. 

I don't want to live the rest of my life with someone that I can't connect to. Someone that I am not in love with the way two people married should be in love. To mention a separation or divorce would devastate him completely and I don't want to hurt him in anyway. So do I just hang on and deal with it until my kids are grown? It seems selfish of me to want to be happy when it would mean possibly making my kids so unhappy. I feel like I'm the only one not happy here. Like a stranger.


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## turnera

I married that man 30 years ago. And I regret it.

That doesn't mean you can't fix your situation. Read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Learn to protect yourself and force him to respect you.


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## franklinfx

lostandconfusedwife said:


> After 4 and a half years of marriage I realize that I married for convenience. We were only together for 5 months before we were engaged and married by the time we reached a year together. He had been through a horrible divorce about 2 years prior and I had been through a stream of bad relationships. He had custody of his two boys with their mother being a horrible load of baggage. I had my little girl with the father not in the picture at all after having him sign over his rights. We both wanted someone to settle down with and be parents to our children. Neither one of us partied or drank. We were both just homebodies that wanted to be happy. So it was very easy to fall for each other. We never did have a dating period in our life. Within 3 months we were living together and he was the daddy role to my daughter and I was the mom in charge that did everything for his kids and mine. We got along just fine but I look back now and that it's because we were too busy with full time jobs, college, 3 kids, and life to realize that on the inside it was empty.


 I married mine after 6 months, we moved in after we just met though, dont know why either, just got caught up in the moment, those were fun times but yeah, id say alot of it was out of 'convenience'. really dumb decisions in hindsight.


> Our sex life has always been bad. I actually just thought that since we were new to each other it would take time and that what each of us wanted would be learned and eventually the parts would all fit. He has always been a selfish lover. He seems to be satisfied with what I do for him and that's it. Even on the rare occasions that the time is spent on me, well it's just not good. I have never felt any passion with him. The kind where you wanted to rip his clothes off and no power could stop you. I have told him what I needed and wanted in that department and still nothing has changed. It's as if I never mentioned it at all.


 Ours used to be great for the 1st few years , she was always bad at oral though, but we made up for it with having alot of sex, passion and flirting, over the years the sexiness on her part became non exisitant. I guess I stopped alot of the touching and flirting too, but only because it became so one sided, just like our sex, she expects me to do all the "work" ,as well as initiate. kinda got old after a while.


> On the outside our life looks wonderful. My husband has a good paying job while I stay at home with our 17 month old. We have a beautiful home, not really any kind of debt like credit cards or anything. We do all the sports and take plenty of family vacations. But my husband is not motivated at all. Anything that happens I have to plan or push for. He hates being outside if it means he has to get hot or do any kind of physical labor. I understand that being like that doesn't mean he is a bad person. But when his parents are the ones who do all our outside upkeep then there is a problem. We live on 10 acres and it's shared with his parents in their house and his grandmother in her mobile home.
> 
> He forgets that special occasions are coming up and he is a bad gift giver.


 yeah our spouses are cut from the same cloth, she cant shop or buy gifts, to save her life, shes mrs "giftcard", doesnt put any thought into the gifts she gives me or her kids , when she does get me an actaul matierial gift its some awful XL t shirt from walmart, Im 150lbs I dont wear XL!!!!! she actaully got me a aluminum water bottle for our 10th aniversary sat.!!!! Is that an insult or what? I dont give a crap about matierial gifts but for crying out loud put some thought into it!



> Not that if he was the greatest at it then the situation would be any better. I am just really good at it and he is not so I take notice. I do absolutely everything outside of bringing home the paycheck. I am a complete homemaker. I pay all the bills and keep up with the money. My house is always kept up and clean. I make his lunches and dinners everyday and clean up after him.


 Got ya beat there, I do all that and pay most of the bills too , she works for the USPS so she provides the health insurance, which sucks, and half the mortgage, other than that, shes useless around the house, funny cause she use to keep our old apt. spotless, but she wont lift a finger to help me out with the house, she just had to have. 



> I do all after school homework and projects with the kids. He has never done any kind of shopping for himself whether it be for clothes or personal items or Christmas gifts of any kind. I know that a lot of it is my fault. I should just tell him to take part in it all right. The times that he has put a foot forward to show initiative has been a total bust. I make sure that I tell him I appreciate what he is doing or did.
> 
> He is very kind. He makes sure and tell me thank you for dinner or whatever it is that I do for him. We tell each other we love each other everyday.
> 
> Now on the down side he had a horrible temper. He takes medicine for depression and it helps control his anger but when he pushed it's over. We can not talk. Every single serious issue that ever gets brought up ends with a fight. He is always right and I eventually just give up. That is a major reason I do not speak to him about how I am feeling most of the time. I would rather save my energy. I have written him letters recently and told him in detail of how I was feeling about my life and our personal problems. He ignored them all and even told me that it seemed better to ignore them then to address them because he doesn't know what to do. So now we pretend that it's all ok, except it's not. I am dying inside.


 Same here ,she cant be reasoned with. If she cant win an argument, she just yells over me, or repeats everything I say like a friggen child.


> He doesn't like having friends. He says he is perfectly content with having none. So after he works his full time job on a computer he comes home, eats dinner, sits back down at his computer and that is where he stays, 7 days a week. So I have no companionship. He doesn't sit with me on a couch or put his arm around me. There is no flirting or touching of any kind. I get the normal peck goodbye and hello and that's it.


 Mine walks past me when I get home, to see whats in the bundle of mail I throw on the table, no kiss, no eye contact, yeah, but Im supposed have passion and share my feelings and desires w/ this woman? she has no feelings! She wont sit next to me on the couch either. I dont get it, I shower, floss, brush, I keep myself in good shape, i even rent stupid movies she likes, what more does she want?


> Now that I look back it has always been the same. It's never been a type of relationship where we touched and flirted and had that steamy can't take your hands off each other type of thing.


 Mine use to be great, we had serious chemistry, what happened? I got" bait N switched" thats what! 



> His ex wife is horrible. She has caused me so much stress and tears. She is a bad mom and terrible person to have to deal with. She divorced her 6th husband 2 years ago and has new guys in and out of the boy's life's. She lives off the government and doesn't pay the bills she does have.She lies and tells everyone she has custody and even gets food stamps for them supposedly living there. She even was arrested on the way to the boys football game during her weekend visitation due to 11 bounced checks. They took her away in front of them and we had to pick them up and get them to the game. She bailed out and then showed up and the game ready to take them back home for the weekend like it was no big deal. (Of course we didn't let her) We are in and out of court constantly and my husband refuses to communicate with her at all because it always ends up in a screaming match. So I am left to handle it all. I put a smile on on my face and try and deal with her the best I can even though I despise her and disagree with everything she does with my stepsons.


 Mines X is a complete bafoon too, he made a big stink about getting full custody when we moved out of town because he didnt want to travel to see them.. AND SHE LET HIM HAVE IT!!!! what mother does this?????? she was just too lazy to fight him in court. talk about souless. Now hes on all kinds of depression pills, and his kids dont want to be around him, even he now says they should have lived with us.




> I do not feel like there is anything left for me to feel for him in that deep down love feeling. I love that he is a great dad and provider. I love that he respects me and doesn't put me down or tell me I can't do things. I am so comfortable with the rest of my life that I can't imagine my kids not having both of us side by side with them. I am not happy at all with all the emotional things that I am missing. It's just never been there. I have been content and just dealt with it for so long because I felt like it would change or somehow he and I would connect on that level but it hasn't happened yet. I feel like he is perfectly happy with everything and I am the one that has some huge problem that I shouldn't have.
> 
> I don't want to live the rest of my life with someone that I can't connect to. Someone that I am not in love with the way two people married should be in love. To mention a separation or divorce would devastate him completely and I don't want to hurt him in anyway. So do I just hang on and deal with it until my kids are grown? It seems selfish of me to want to be happy when it would mean possibly making my kids so unhappy. I feel like I'm the only one not happy here. Like a stranger.


Im in the same boat as you, I feel like Im totally wasting the best years of my life, being married to my wife. Ive given all I can, she just doesnt appreciate it, so why should i bother anymore? We need to sell our house before we split up though. neither of us, can afford the mortgage on our own, and she has no $$$of her own at all, and alot of C/C debt. I just want to unload this $$ pit, and give her whatevers left over ,if anything, so we can get the hell away from each other, thats all I want at this point. Hope things work out for you


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## dazed&confuzed

I just have to say life is way too short to just continue being so unhappy which you are, everyone deserves to be loved and respected. You did'nt give yourself enough time to find someone you have passion and chemistry with. Everyone involved will be happier and better off without all the negativity. Please don't stay together with him for the childrens sake, they will be much better of to see you happy and with the right person for you.


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## Atholk

Depression meds often destroy much ability to be sexually interested and to love.


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## turnera

A lot of what many of you describe is a DIRECT result of YOU no longer providing the same level of love and care that YOU used to provide. How can you blame your partner for not giving love and care if YOU no longer do it, either?


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## lostandconfusedwife

I do provide love to my husband. Still to this day after nearly 5 and half years of being with him I show him that I love him by lot's of little things. I put notes in his lunchbox, I send him special foods with hearts put on top for his lunch, I do everything for him at home to make his evenings easier, I make sure I tell him he looks nice, I text him and tell him I'm thinking of him, I try to spice up the bedroom time with creative things and put on sexy nightware. I am sure that I don't do everything the same every month but I make sure to take in to count that he has feelings and wants to feel that I need him and that's what I do.


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## turnera

Here's the thing. There's a big difference between doing what YOU think shows love for your spouse, and what your SPOUSE PERCEIVES as love. This is a biggee.

For 30 years, my husband has given me perfume and jewelry for gifts. I HATE that stuff. All I want in life is a home I can be proud of. He never fixes things. In 3 houses, he has let all 3 houses fall apart. And I am ashamed. I have asked him specifically DOZENS of times to do things for the house. As gifts. ALL I WANT. I can count on one hand in 30 years the times he has actually done what I asked. Just in June for my birthday I asked the same again, and gave him a LIST to choose from. ANYTHING! Even just going through a pile of papers! 

What did he do? He gave me a ring.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire, for each of you. Fill it out. Share it. STOP doing all things on HIS list of what YOU do to LB him. And vice versa. Stop harming him.

After a couple months of that, print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire. Learn his top 5 ENs and make sure YOU are the ONLY person meeting those 5 ENs.

That is how to get him to care about you and want to meet YOUR ENs and stop LBing you.


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## thelword

if you cant talk about it and share those feelings then how do you print out a piece of paper and exchange ideas. he doesnt sound like he is interested in what you want. you could try it out but dont let those responses here bring you down. you will see where fate wants you soon just have faith. there is a reason for everything. sorry i cant be more help i have my own issues lol.


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## franklinfx

lostandconfusedwife said:


> I show him that I love him by lot's of little things. I put notes in his lunchbox, I send him special foods with hearts put on top for his lunch,


 yeah and it seems like you get more enjoyment out of it than he does right? I know just how you feel, use to do that same stuff, love notes in the bag, hearts on sandwiches , I use to carve a little heart in the aluminum foil i wrapped her sammys in, she hardly ever even noticed Im done with that crap now though, why bother

oh and "sexy nightware" ....whats that?:rofl:


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## turnera

franklinfx said:


> yeah and it seems like you get more enjoyment out of it than he does right? I know just how you feel, use to do that same stuff, love notes in the bag, hearts on sandwiches , I use to carve a little heart in the aluminum foil i wrapped her sammys in, she hardly ever even noticed Im done with that crap now though, why bother


Exactly my point. YOU get something out of being all lovey to him, and YOU expect him to be grateful. But if you really want HIM to be happy, you find out what makes HIM happy and do it.


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## lostandconfusedwife

When I spoke with husband about my feelings and how I felt about everything he was completely shocked. He says that he is completely happy with everything the way it is and that he thought we had no problems at all. When I brought up our lack of affection and sex life being boring he said that is how he has always been and that what he gives is enough for him. I asked him if he didn't feel like there was any room for improvement and excitement and he said no. So when he is content and happy with everything like he says, how am I suppose to help change it. If there is any change made now it will feel as if it's completely out of doing it just because he knows I want him to. I actually want him to feel like he was missing the affection, support, lack of sex life and so on but he says he does not.


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## sara nightingale

It probably took a lot to tell your husband your true thoughts and feelings, and it isn't surprising to me that he felt things were fine, most men are selfish.

But I am wondering how he could be okay with the fact that you are not fine. If he's okay with you unhappy, it should make your next move clear as day.


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## turnera

lostandconfusedwife said:


> If there is any change made now it will feel as if it's completely out of doing it just because he knows I want him to.


So what? Fake it til you make it. Once you start putting some spice in your life, you will both start enjoying it, and look for more.

You do all these things for your husband, which basically makes you more like his mother than his wife. Many men take that and run with it. The missing component is where YOU stand up for what YOU need in return. Like so many men, he simply had no clue that you weren't getting anything out of the deal. Now you've told him. What next? 

Expand on that. Show him what you need. Tell him. Ask for it. Do the questionnaires, and hand them to him so he will know what you need from him.

At the same time, get HIM to do them, too, so that you become a better spouse, targeting what's important to him. It will make him more receptive to pleasing you.


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## turnera

sara nightingale said:


> If he's okay with you unhappy, it should make your next move clear as day.


 I don't think he's saying he's ok with her happy. It will take some time for him to digest what she has dropped on him. It will take more talk from her so he gets it and knows what he's supposed to do. Men often need more direction.

It's not time to leave him. It's tiime to help him learn and grow.


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## Brewster 59

lostandconfusedwife said:


> I do provide love to my husband. Still to this day after nearly 5 and half years of being with him I show him that I love him by lot's of little things. I put notes in his lunchbox, I send him special foods with hearts put on top for his lunch, I do everything for him at home to make his evenings easier, I make sure I tell him he looks nice, I text him and tell him I'm thinking of him, I try to spice up the bedroom time with creative things and put on sexy nightware. I am sure that I don't do everything the same every month but I make sure to take in to count that he has feelings and wants to feel that I need him and that's what I do.


So Im a little confused. If you put notes in his lunch, you tell him you love him everyday. How is he suppose to know how you feel about your marriage? I kinda can see why he thinks everything is OK.


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## lostandconfusedwife

Your completely right. I have obviously gave off false sense of feelings in a way. I have always told him and showed him I love in ways that I felt was acceptable. I can understand in a way how he could feel that I am fine. I am guilty of not making it more clear. I think though, I honestly have gotten stuck in the same routine and rut that I have always been in. I guess what I should have done was pull back and make it known that I had problems and not lead on like I was missing things in my life. So after all that is said and I now know what one of my biggest problems is, now I have to figure out how to accept that fact that he doesn't care to have more. Do I do as some have mentioned and push it until he is basically forced to do it and maybe realize he wanted the same? Do I accept that we are two completely different people and going on this way will do nothing but keep us on two different paths in life and not be satisfied? We are both loving parent's and I believe that if worse came to worse and we did decide to end things that we could co-parent our children in a loving separate environment. I appreciate everyone's comments and advice. I am trying to look at this and understand that a lot of what is wrong is part my fault and I have a live with that. But either way it sure doesn't make it any easier to deal with.


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## Brewster 59

Well there is no Easy way to go about this but it seems you have 3 options

1 Leave things the way they are now
2 leave or kick him out
3 Tell him how unhappy you are and that you would like to try to salvage the marriage, but only if both of you are willing to work on it. Let him know things staying the way they are now is not an option and if he chooses for status quo than #2 is the option he has chosen.


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## lostandconfusedwife

After a whole lot of talking I finally got him to come clean about what all he feels is wrong with me and our relationship. Up to this point he said he was completely content and felt that we had no problems. I am actually glad that he was able to say what he needed to say instead of keeping it bottled up. After everything he said it makes it even more clear that we are so different. It's stuff that we both new about each other from the very beginning and now we are finally able to face that certain things about each other need to be worked on for either of us to be happy. He admitted he was a bad communicator too and says the reason he is, is because he squashed his own feelings for sake of an argument in order to make me happy. I can say I have probably done that a million times as well. We really have done each other wrong for not coming clean about these things a long time ago. I don't know if even after trying to compromise and work harder towards fixing these problems if it will work. We are so different. I'm afraid of spending the next 10, 20, 30 years trying to get by and cheating us both out of peace of mind and happiness.


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## cma62

I think you feel in your heart what to do but you're scared that you're maybe making the wrong decision. If you're already pessimistic about the future it's going to be hard to focus on fixing the problems now. I think we all need confirmation in the decisions we make but ultimately you're the one who has to make the final one.


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## turnera

Agreed. Stay positive. And set yourself a timeline. December 31 is a good date. If you both agree you're not getting anywhere 12/31, make plans to separate.

If you have a little money, go to marriagebuilders.com and sign up for their phone counseling. They are amazing. If you have a lot of money, sign up for one of their marriage building weekends. Even better, quick fix to everything.


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## lostandconfusedwife

I am trying to stay positive but as the days go by and the silence grows it's getting harder. Now we only speak briefly and it's usually only because of the kids. He yelled at me yesterday and said I was always a smart ass and that I only think my opinion counts. If this is true then I need to fix it. I understand that. Ever since he told me all his problems I feel completely shut down. I don't even feel like trying.


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## Brewster 59

lostandconfusedwife said:


> I am trying to stay positive but as the days go by and the silence grows it's getting harder. Now we only speak briefly and it's usually only because of the kids. He yelled at me yesterday and said I was always a smart ass and that I only think my opinion counts. If this is true then I need to fix it. I understand that. Ever since he told me all his problems I feel completely shut down. I don't even feel like trying.


So I dont quite know how to say this but before you said he doesnt communicate, so he tells you how he feels and now you dont feel like you even want to try. Could this possibly be why he didnt want to talk about how he feels?


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## lostandconfusedwife

I completely see how that could be thought out of what I have said. A little more background though first. This is the very first time my husband and I have acted like towards each other. I think that the reactions of both of us are due to the fact that we have never experienced this open feeling bashing before. I am not sure if either of us know what to do. I feel like I am shutting down and don't feel like trying because I am hurt by all that he has problems with about me. He has never told me anything like this before. I think for both of us it's easier to pretend when he gets home that everything is fine because we have 4 kids running around and it makes it a safe zone in a way. After I told him how I felt about everything he got angry and refused to talk about it. I forced him to face it and then that's when all his problems came out. I guess it's my problem again but I feel like he should step forward and say something to me or pull me aside and tell me he wants to talk about all this. I know I could do the same. I just think that he ignored my feelings in the first place so now that he has his out he is expecting me to come run to him and tell him all that I can fix when he hasn't even owned up to what was bothering me in the first place. I guess I feel like the balls in his court and he should be the next one making a move. I don't know if I should look at all this as both of us being too stubborn headed or now that the real feelings are out that maybe he is realizing he doesn't want to try and that's why he is shutting up.


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## turnera

So, because he finally tells you the truth - that YOU make HIM unhappy - and it's not what you wanted to hear...you will just walk away and not do the work to fix yourself?


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## lostandconfusedwife

Not the case at all. I am completely aware and on board to fix myself. I can't change who I am but, but I am willing to improve.


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## turnera

What is your plan?


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