# Is this normal?



## TextbookStuffHere (Apr 13, 2011)

My Backstory:

Married 9 yrs. Together 12. 2 kids 6 and 4. Im early 40's W is early 30's. Marriage has not been great, but not completely awful. I have ignored and neglected for sure. And have acknowledged. Around Christmas things really got icy. Wife was distant, never cared what I did. No arguments. My gut detector started to turn on. A Few months pass no changes. 

I go to a convention for 5 days. Get home, W goes out with friends. She's got the kids all week needs a break. I Go to the pornloader and stumble on to google web search history. I can see everything she is googling from her own laptop because she was always signed into google. First search term I see: How do I tell my husband I want a divorce. Next several things are searches on sex acts, porn, toys, etc. Then I see she searched a name many many times. Gut detector is in high gear.

I confront her. She says she is unhappy, needs space, time to think about things. She does not love me right now. Says it's not over yet with us. Says when she searches for porn it is just because she is lonely and curious. Explains the guy's name she has been searching for is a triathlete and a coworker (sees him a few days a week at work), and that is how she goes on to his training page, because she is interested in that. She gives me a good sales job. I decide I need to be a better husband and make some changes. My gut detector settles a bit.

I get exiled to the basement. Find this website (with incredible people on it). Realize all the things she says about needing space etc. are red flags that she is having an affair. Gut detector is fired back up again. I'm sleeping in the basement for a month. Looking for evidence on the web from my laptop for an affair. I got into an email account that she has and found it completely empty. Just 1 contact. But it is him. I fly off the handle and confront her (huge mistake I know). She makes all the excuses that they make, just friends etc. Makes me feel like I am crazy. My gut just would not stop.

I was relentless. I figured out the new password of her email and got into the account again. I monitor it for a week. Nothing except 1 innocent email she sent to him. Again I make another huge mistake. I confront her again. She makes me feel crazy and I apologize to her and tell her I believe her, but I didn't and I wouldn't stop until I got to the truth. It was eating at me.

This past Sunday night I have a dream that she is definitely having an affair with this guy. I wake up with a singular focus that was as intense as I have ever had. I was going to get to the truth and I was going to do it today. I used my router to do some things to her laptop and I installed a key logger on the main pc. I got the new secret email account and password from the logger. I did it-I'M IN! 

Wow-just him and her, sex chats, all the time. Definitely physical. As well. Very Sexual. But you can see the possibility of love. Surprised I didn't puke. I still can't believe my initial reaction we relief. That I finally knew. Then anger came of course. And the devastation.

I got her red handed. Confront her. Now my story for this week goes by the book. I am in complete disarray. I tell her she needs to end this with the OM. She will not. Get the same BS from her about she doesn't know what she wants give her time to figure it out. No F***ing way am I giving her time. We are at the stage where I am pretty sure there is nothing going on physically between them for about a month because they knew I was on the scent. And she just hasn't had the time. I also think they are in a cooling period until things settle. 

I have an unbelievable network of friends and family who came to my rescue. All with insight and advice. I have decided that there is no way I can stay married to her. I met with a good friend of mine who has an attorney for me that will give me a free consult. That's it. Last night I came to the conclusion that I knew I would come to a month ago in the basement. I am getting a divorce.

I get home. Tell W my intentions. She is relieved. Feels her heart has been freed. This just f***ing gets to me. She's had a few beers. We get into a long discussion about how bad our marriage was. I again acknowledge my role in the downfall of our marriage. I also reminded her over and over again that she is the cheater, I am the victim. She has committed the ultimate sin. This calms to a discussion about a 50/50 split on friendly terms. Which I tell her we need to have happen for the sake of the kids. We end the night (or so I think) with me heading to the bed and her to the couch.

20 minutes later she is in bed with me cozying up. Now keep in mind I have not had sex with her or anyone (I've never cheated) in about 8 months. I am instantly ready for action. She asks me if this will confuse me. I say I don't know-already confused. My daughter comes in the room. I figure my answer is made for me. She's coming to bed. My W took my daughter back to her room. I knew she was going to come back. I have a decision to make. My head is no match for my second head. I "f" the ever living sh*t out of her. I am not sure what she thought she was in for. I'm 30 lbs lighter than the last time we did it. Been working out. A ton of stamina. 

Thing is I feel nothing has changed for me. I can't stay married to her. But I feel like I could have mindless sex with her. I see a therapist on Tuesday. I think I need it. I'm on the up part of the roller coaster. Down can happen at anytime now.

The reason I ask is this normal. It just went so far off the usual affair script. Sorry for the long post people. Every time I get this out I feel better.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

1. Get tested for STDs.
2. If she won't end it, then you are right to remove yourself as an option for her.
3. Who is this dude? If he is married or has a girlfriend, you need to expose the affair to his partner TODAY.
4. You shouldn't have moved to the basement but that is a moot point.
5. Try to be as unemotional as possible in your dealings with her, it's VERY important.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

It was the same with my wife and I also. Incredible sex after I found about her and the affair. It must be some psychological wiring with the male instinct, showing "while you may have cheated on us, we are still capable of throwing down." Like proving a point or something.

Funny thing is I can not stand the site of her now. It has been almost a year since I found out. I think our time is about up.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I'm wondering what your asking? What do you want to know is normal? 

She is showing "normal" patterns of a cheating spouse... 

It's normal to hop in bed with your spouse even if he/she hurt you. We all, I am sure, can relate or have had simular moments.

It's normal to feel angry, and not emotionally attatched to her now that you know the truth. I haven't been emotionally attatched to my hub for over a year now, but I've slept with him, once.

I think IC is a good idea for you... it will help you cope and understand more about how you are feeling and the emotions you are going to have to sort through. 

I agree with Jellybeans, get checked for STDS!!! And expose their affair especially if he is married or otherwise involved.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

It's really not off the script at all. Actually it's dead on the script. Your looking at the trees, missing the forrest.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pit, it is totally the script!!
Someone here needs to post a "script" thread so we can all compare/contrast our experiences and things that were said, starting with "just a friend" -- as you can see, it was used in this thread as well.



Twistedheart said:


> It was the same with my wife and I also. Incredible sex after I found about her and the affair. It must be some psychological wiring with the male instinct, showing "while you may have cheated on us, we are still capable of throwing down." Like proving a point or something.


I had the same experience as well. Our sex life was crazy after we confessed to eachother.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I had the same experience as well. Our sex life was crazy after we confessed to eachother.


Well than, doesn't seem to be just a male thing. Maybe an ego thing? Very interesting.


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## TextbookStuffHere (Apr 13, 2011)

JB-I have a hard time with your name-that's the name she used on her secret email account. I believe he is single. I don't have the will to pursue anymore information about him. I know I shouldn't have moved to the basement. I did several things wrong as I look back. Don't think me being down there or not changes anything though. I have exposed to my family and friends-she has told a few friends. I told her Dad something was wrong with our marriage. Tried to lead him to it but feel she sould tell them. She says she will tonight. That's when this is real for her and she knows it.

Twisted-Exactly the way I felt last night.


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## TextbookStuffHere (Apr 13, 2011)

I think a script thread would be great. I am amazed at the stories. They are all the same. I hadn't seen the sex after agreeing to divorce story though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Sex after one filing for divorce is also very common.


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## TextbookStuffHere (Apr 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ Sex after one filing for divorce is also very common.


I'll make sure to get some condoms.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL. You know what... we never had sex w/o condoms everything came to light. Wait, not true, I think there was one time that we did and we'd both been drinking. I did go and get tested a few times.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When she tells her dad, she will most likely rewrite history and you won't come out looking as good as if you told him, so be prepared.
Its great that you came to terms with the divorce, this gives you some power back and you are not stuck in that rut of "i'll do any thing for the marriage to work" kind of thing...thats bad in my opinion. It leave you open to be used and out of control.

As far as the sex goes IDK if it normal or not...IDK if its health or not but you got laid so good job.

So stay strong and confident and move on. Also be prepared for the "you've changed and I want to work on things" she seems the type for some reason I see that coming. You just seem like you have come to terms and the way you wrote...just seems like you are on the right path. Your wife may get jealous..seeing you so unconfussed,confident, and excepting the fact that you will be happier. So good job in not tolorating her BS


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

Wow, you guys just made me think that I need to get tested. I just realized that my W told me she was tested about a year ago :just a few extra tests during her physical" she said. I didn't think anything of it then, but now it makes sense, since she was having a PA.


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## TextbookStuffHere (Apr 13, 2011)

The Guy: I was starting to feel weak again. Until I read your post. thank you for lifting me up. She is telling her father right now. I will follow up tomorrow to remind him that I am a great guy and she f**ked me over. He will see it my way. I need him to know the truth as I do care for him and we will remain connected because of my children. I will carry on and file this week. I've got great friends that continue to help me. Offering me legal services, activities, libation, and everything. I feel blessed. This site is invaluable as well.


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## TextbookStuffHere (Apr 13, 2011)

The sex has continued. At least now I have found a name for it:

Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!


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