# Don't know what to do.. please help



## januarygirl (Mar 2, 2009)

Hi everyone, 

Here's a little background:

About 2-3 years ago I was working overnights, when I discovered a series of emails/facebook messages from my husband to several other women, inviting them over for "weed and wine" (or beer or whatever)... always on nights that I was working. These invitations would go out around 11:00 at night when I was already out of the house. I do not believe any of the women ever reciprocated or that it went any further than invitational emails, but I confronted him nonetheless. I told him if he ever did anything like this again, I would leave him without question. That I considered it to be an ultimate violation of my trust, and it would not be tolerated. 

Fast forward to two weeks ago. I found several facebook messages between my husband and one woman that were sexually explicit, specifically he offered her his... package (using much more crude terms than that), asked her where he could c*m on her.. etc. Obscene in my opinion.

I confronted him and asked how on earth a married man could send those kinds of messages to another woman and think that that is being anything but disloyal to your wife. He responded that he knew things had gotten out of hand, and that over the last month he had become extremely regretful of his actions (the emails took place during June-August of this year). I do believe he is truly remorseful, and he says he wants to work on re-establishing trust in our relationship. I have had an appointment with a counselor, and he has one scheduled for Monday before we go in together. 

Now, for the last couple months, my husband has been talking about taking a solo trip to Cuba. Given the current situation, I am obviously extremely uncomfortable with this. Knowing that he will be spending his nights dancing in the discos with other women is not acceptable to me, and I refuse to put myself through that kind of emotional trauma. Additionally, we owe my mom almost $2000 for help she has given us over the last year when our daycare costs have been so high.. now that our son is in kindergarten (alternating days kindergarten/daycare), our costs are virtually cut in half and we can begin paying my mom back. 
I just don't think it's appropriate for him to spend money on a vacation when that money should be going to paying my mom back. 

Even though I have told him flat out that I do not support this vacation for the above reasons, he is adamant in trying to convince me otherwise. He keeps referring to it as an investment in our marriage, and as much needed time for him to work on a script he has been writing for some time now. He says he's been so stressed out lately that he just needs some time to himself. 

While I can certainly understand his want/need for personal time, I just don't think now is the best time... our relationship is so fractured, and I feel so distant from him, that him running away for an entire week to a foreign country where I will have absolutely no contact with him seems out of the question. 

Am I making the right decision? Part of me feels like I'm just punishing him/being the jealous wife.. I want to be fair to him, and I want him to have time to relax and refresh, but I don't think this is right. But then part of me thinks that you can't run away from your discomfort when you're the one who made the situation into what it is. You don't get to escape from your mistakes, you have to stay and work on correcting him. I feel like he just wants to run away from all of his responsibilities.

Any help, suggestions, advice is very much appreciated.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

This doesn't sound good at all, your marriage is in big trouble and I recommend you read my newbie link in my signature.

You need to put your foot down and tell him that you will not stay married to him while he is engaging in this behavior.

1) He must cut off all contact with these women, in fact he should close his facebook account
2) he must be completely transparent and give up all of his passwords, allow access to email, phone, etc. At the same time you need to start verifying everything with keyloggers, spyware on phone, check records, etc.
3) He must show true remorse. He must admit 100% that his behavior is his fault. He must not blameshift or gaslight you and give excuses. He must also demonstrate this not only by words but by his actions. Certainly taking a trip by himself is out of the question and shows no respect towards you and demonstrates that he isn't willing to do what it takes to repair the marriage.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

He will have plenty of time to relax and refresh after the divorce, which if he chooses to take this trip by himself you should pursue.

You warned him that he was betraying your trust, and rather than cutting it off dead it sounds like he escalated it to at the very least cyber-sexting? Now he wants to go on a vaction by himself?

You let him go, the damage inside of you will likely be so deep it will not be repairable. Every second he is gone you will wonder which girl he finally met of his "fishing" trips on the internet that he went to meet. I suspect that will haunt you and eat you alive for the remainder of your marriage. He can not be trusted right now, thats been proven. Rather than rebuilding that trust, he is requesting "space"? C'mon. 

Set aside the paranoia you_ think _you have (it's not paranoia BTW, its your instincts screaming at you) What does your gut tell you?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There's no way he should be going on a solo trip to Cuba or anywhere else. You caught him red handed contacting other women for sex. You know all he is going to do alone there is to troll bars. Or it could easily be that there is someone else going that you don't know about.

But he clearly has been cheating for a longtime with many partners.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

No way he goes on that trip - period. IMO opinion you laid down the ultimatum the first time 2 - 3 years ago - now he needs to believe you will follow through with it (even if you really don't want to). I think you need to take that money he is going to spend on a vacation, go see an attorney, get divorce papers drawn up, pack his stuff in a suitcase and have his bag and the paperwork by the back door when he gets home. Hit him with all of it, put a pen in his hand and say I told you two years ago if you did this sh!t again I was out of here - then don't say another word and see what happens. 

If he doesn't truly believe you will follow through with the consequences you laid down two years ago he will continue to cake eat until you finally have had enough and force him to stop. The sooner you make him choose, the greater the likely hood your marriage will survive it.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

januarygirl said:


> About 2-3 years ago I was working overnights, when I discovered a series of emails/facebook messages from my husband to several other women, inviting them over for "weed and wine" (or beer or whatever)... always on nights that I was working. These invitations would go out around 11:00 at night when I was already out of the house.
> 
> * I told him if he ever did anything like this again, I would leave him without question.* Fast forward to two weeks ago. *I found several facebook messages between my husband and one woman that were sexually explicit, specifically he offered her his... package (using much more crude terms than that), asked her where he could c*m on her.. etc. *
> 
> ...


Excuse me?? You are "punishing him/being the jealous wife?" Um, why are you feeling like this? HE is the one who is stepping out on you, not the other way around.

You set a hard boundary, saying you'd leave, and guess what--he did it again. Worse this time, telling a woman she could ahve his d!ck and asking where he could c*m on her.

Why are you feeling bad? You did nothing wrong! 

If that woman is married/partnered, send the emails to her boyfriend/husband w/ zero warning to your husband or her.

Your husband says his Cuban trip is an "investment" in your marriage? Say what???!!! He is totally out of line and off his rocker. 

Tell him he can go, but not to expect you to be around when he gets back (or tell him when he gets back, he can GTFO).

This man has no respect for you. At all.

Get tested for STDs.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

BTW- it would not surprise me in the slightest if he has planned to have someone accompany him on the trip.

from my own story (and what my father did 20 years ago)



Almostrecovered said:


> Dad picks me up again and starts to tell me how glad he is that I came home because I'll be needed. He then drops the bomb that he's been having an affair and my mother found out. He has to consider everything that's happened and doesn't know if he wants to stay married. *Thus he is taking a 4 day trip to Puerto Rico "by himself" to think things over. *He also tells me to be nice to my mom and that they are having dinner out that night to talk before he leaves in the early morning. Needless to say I'm devastated by the news. My bubble has burst. I get home and my mom gives me a huge hug and cries. They soon go out to dinner and I have my girlfriend come over and lean on her. (interesting footnote- I lose my virginity that night)
> 
> The next morning at around 5am I wake up and see my mother standing over me shaking like a leaf and crying. She's clearly having a breakdown. *I find out that my father wasn't going alone (he lied, dummy me) and was going to PR with his mistress. *


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Your husband is behaving in an extremely selfish and immature way.

I think he has pulled the wool over your eyes about being truly remorseful.


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

I read your post from two years ago where your husband said:

"if we have a threesome, we can try to have another baby"

Extremely selfish and self-absorbed then, and now.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> I read your post from two years ago where your husband said:
> 
> "if we have a threesome, we can try to have another baby"


WTF?!


----------



## januarygirl (Mar 2, 2009)

Thanks everyone, 

I appreciate your input and you have helped reaffirm that I am making the right decision by saying no. 

I don't know why I have so much guilt in this situation. I guess I realize that I have not been the perfect wife, and he must have been lonely and felt neglected in order to stray.. and I can understand that. 
What I need for him his a commitment to put 100% into this relationship, and that is not what I am getting from him right now. 

As for what was said/posted inthe past, I am happy to say that that is no longer an issue. After I put my foot down and told him I would never have a threesome, he stopped asking and has never asked since. I have also told him that I am not willing to have another child with him (or possibly at all); partly due to financial reasons, but because of the trust issues that we have in our relationship. 

We will talk about this tonight, so wish me luck in getting my point across.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

YOu dont need luck to get your point across...

Push this across the table, your point should be crystal clear...


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

What are the consequences of what you found two weeks ago going to be?


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> YOu dont need luck to get your point across...
> 
> Push this across the table, your point should be crystal clear...


Pit - thanks for such a visual to what I said in words. If that doesn't get his attention it's a lost cause.


----------



## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

januarygirl said:


> Thanks everyone,
> 
> I appreciate your input and you have helped reaffirm that I am making the right decision by saying no.
> 
> ...


Just wanted to point out that men do not need to feel lonely or neglected in order to stray. Yes you're responsible for 50% of any marital problems, but he 100% decided to cheat on his own. I've had times in my marriage when I felt lonely and neglected and never once cheated. My H cheated and he was far from lonely and neglected. Cheating is about ego, selfishness, and immaturity. . . you could've been the perfect wife and he still might've cheated.

_*gets off soapbox*_

I'm so sorry you're going through this and there's no way no how you should feel guilty. He decided to cheat. He betrayed your trust. If he was truly remorseful he would NOT be asking to go to Cuba alone. Grrrrrrr. . . makes me mad for you.

Good luck and stay strong!


----------



## januarygirl (Mar 2, 2009)

I need luck because he is an extremely difficult person to communicate with... he is overly defensive at the best of times. 
I hope that he will open his eyes and his heart to see how his going on a trip would fracture our marriage. 

I will be letting him know that if he chooses to go on the trip, my son and I will not be there when he gets back. 

As to the consequences for his actions, he has already deleted that woman off of his facebook and cellphone. I know all of his passwords, and he has been informed that I will be checking his accounts and cellphone. Often. I don't know how long it will take for me to be able to trust him.. he has said he will do everything he can to help that effort, but that is clearly not happening. 
I will be clear that even the thought of leaving on a trip right now is detrimental to our marriage, and if he wants to move forward he needs to drop it all together, and not try to make me feel guilty for taking away his trip. He did that himself.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

januarygirl said:


> What I need for him his a commitment to put 100% into this relationship, and that is not what I am getting from him right now.


This isn't even about "right now." He has a long history of scheming and doing dirt behind your back. When are you going to wake up and see him for who he is, not who you want him to
be?

He is not a faithful husband and hasn't been for years. YEARS. Get that?


----------



## januarygirl (Mar 2, 2009)

Thank you Jelly, I am well aware of the situation and I do not think that I am being weak or "asleep" because I want to work on this. I forgave my husband for his past indiscretions and now I am working on the current issues. 

Thank you all for your input.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

januarygirl said:


> I need luck because he is an extremely difficult person to communicate with... he is overly defensive at the best of times.
> I hope that he will open his eyes and his heart to see how his going on a trip would fracture our marriage.
> 
> I will be letting him know that if he chooses to go on the trip, my son and I will not be there when he gets back.
> ...


I think you're being to easy on him. You sound like you're already negotiating with him and you're not even talking to him yet. Where is your righteous indignation at what he's done. He's planning to take that trip to see if he can have sex with someone other than you - right now - this minute that is his plan. Transparency is the consequence a wayward gets only after they have taken ownership of what they've done and are genuinely remorseful. He's not there yet and until he is this will continue. Something like letting him see divorce papers, even if you never file them, is designed to make him see that you are done tolerating his behavior in no uncertain terms - are you?


----------



## januarygirl (Mar 2, 2009)

sigma1299 said:


> I think you're being to easy on him. You sound like you're already negotiating with him and you're not even talking to him yet. Where is your righteous indignation at what he's done. He's planning to take that trip to see if he can have sex with someone other than you - right now - this minute that is his plan. Transparency is the consequence a wayward gets only after they have taken ownership of what they've done and are genuinely remorseful. He's not there yet and until he is this will continue. Something like letting him see divorce papers, even if you never file them, is designed to make him see that you are done tolerating his behavior in no uncertain terms - are you?


I would like to remind the people who support this forum that no one knows every detail to a situation. You do not know my husband, nor what his plans are, and I thank you for not making assumptions. You don't know our past or the things that have already been discussed, so I will thank you for not judging me on this matter which is already so difficult. This forum should be about addressing concerns and offering advice/support. 

Thank you all for your feedback, but I know I am on my own from here.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

januarygirl said:


> I would like to remind the people who support this forum that no one knows every detail to a situation. You do not know my husband, nor what his plans are, and I thank you for not making assumptions. You don't know our past or the things that have already been discussed, so I will thank you for not judging me on this matter which is already so difficult. This forum should be about addressing concerns and offering advice/support.
> 
> Thank you all for your feedback, but I know I am on my own from here.


we can only make opinions based on what you've told us

note that you are here asking for advice and we are giving it. 

advice is often sometimes things we don't wish to hear but need to regardless

Read the thread titled, "false recovery" to see what can happen when you get a little info but don't stick around for the rest.

Please click the newbie link in my signature and read it, thanks


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

januarygirl said:


> I would like to remind the people who support this forum that no one knows every detail to a situation. You do not know my husband, nor what his plans are, and I thank you for not making assumptions. You don't know our past or the things that have already been discussed, so I will thank you for not judging me on this matter which is already so difficult. This forum should be about addressing concerns and offering advice/support.
> 
> Thank you all for your feedback, but I know I am on my own from here.


You are correct, not everybody knows every detail of every situation. The people on this forum are only privy to the information given by the op and the countless numbers of people who come in here and say their spouse is differnt than the thousands of others that thought they where differnt. Way more often than not they turn out to be correct. They are here trying to explain to you the same things that most others have a hard time wraping their heads around.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

K - cause so many guys take solo trips to Cuba right? You caught him soliciting sex from another woman two weeks ago and my assumption is not a reasonable one? You are correct, I don't know you or your H, but none of us here do and in light of that we have to make assumptions to respond. I'm not judging you - far be it for me to judge anyone - I'm here as a wayward. I'm just offering my opinion of your situation as you describe it. If you don't like it or think I'm wrong that's fine, my advice and opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it. I didn't mean to be harsh to the point of offending you - my only intent was/is to, along with others here, to call you to action. 

Best wishes and good luck.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No one is judging you but offering a new framework to look at your husband. The people who post have been burned by men like your husband and they are trying to help avoid their fate. They are not judging they are giving you the benefits of their experience so that you get out and avoid years of pain.

Not doing so would be like watching a person walk out into traffic. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

januarygirl said:


> I need luck because he is an extremely difficult person to communicate with... he is overly defensive at the best of times.
> I hope that he will open his eyes and his heart to see how his going on a trip would fracture our marriage.
> 
> I will be letting him know that if he chooses to go on the trip, my son and I will not be there when he gets back.
> ...



Personally think this sounds reasonable. 

You cant control his behavior but you've laid out a very clear consequence in the event that he chooses to forge ahead with this trip.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

januarygirl said:


> Thank you Jelly, I am well aware of the situation and I do not think that I am being weak or "asleep" because *I want to work on this. *I forgave my husband for his past indiscretions and now I am working on the current issues.


Okay. 

I am not saying it can't work but I anticipate you will be back with some similar stories in teh future, that nothing will have changed, he will still be cheating, and there won't be any consequences.

Good luck and get tested for STDs.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

januarygirl said:


> Now, for the last couple months, my husband has been talking about taking a solo trip to Cuba. Given the current situation, I am obviously extremely uncomfortable with this. Knowing that he will be spending his nights dancing in the discos with other women is not acceptable to me, and I refuse to put myself through that kind of emotional trauma.


There was a thread in another forum where the guy’s wife wanted to go on a vacation to Cuba without him. He said in part “She kept saying that she is exhausted beyond words, feels “empty inside”, feels suicidal and wants to go away for a vacation to recover. I acknowledged that the past 5-6 months had been stressful, appreciated everything she did but I couldn’t understand why she would want to go away on her own (albeit with her girlfriend) barely less than a month before our cruise. She continually repeated how she felt and even went so far as to say that she’s even considering separation. I was really alarmed and realized that this was serious so I agreed to let her go for a 7 day vacation in Santiago, Cuba from March 6 to March 13.” It did not end well for him. She had a big time affair the first time and went to Cuba again without his consent even though they both knew she was going again to continue the affair. Below is the link.
Wife is about to make it physical. - LoveShack.org Community Forums

Do not let him go to Cuba without you. Take a stand now. Be strong because you are in the right.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

januarygirl said:


> This forum should be about addressing concerns and offering advice/support.


I think thats what your getting. 

I know this sucks, and Im very sorry for your heartache.

Im sure you are dreading the thought of having to confront your husband or face an impossibly painful truth of where you are in your life and in your marriage. 

You mentioned people here not knowing the whole story. As AlmostRecovered pointed out we only know as much as you are willing to say. 

Unless your willing to point out some fact, or circumstance that twists this entire story on it's ear...

There are 2 things that are clear...

1. Your husband is a liar and a cheater. That is established. Every fact, situation and circumstance begins there. Because of his compulsion control issues. He is average, common and predictable. 

2. As much as you want to think otherwise, your situation is not unique, your husband and your marriage are not different, and depending on the choices you make this will play out exactly the same way that hundreds of thousands of marriages broken by infidelity have played out before yours. Everything that will be said and done will be sickningly predicatable. 

Many of the people here know this clearly, the only reason they know it so well and come here to offer guidance is because they also refused to listen and watched as their "unique snowflakes" melted too. 

They want to save you that pain, and as you requested... They want to 'help'. 

I'm really sorry. 

But it is what it is. 

that's JMHO, I wish you well.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The loveshack story was very depressing. The wife went off and cheated, and her husband wimped out and didn't do anything but show her evidence of what she did.

The guy took her back. So very depressing to see cheaters get away with it.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> BTW- it would not surprise me in the slightest if he has planned to have someone accompany him on the trip.
> 
> from my own story (and what my father did 20 years ago)


:iagree:
Oh yeah, that's what my H did. It was a "training trip" for work. She went with him, and for most of that trip they shared a room. I asked him not to go, because I just didn't feel right about that trip. I didn't suspect him of cheating, but that trip just felt all wrong to me. He said he "couldn't get out of it" and that it would make him more valuable at work.


----------

