# helpless, hopeless, loveless...newlywed?



## ladybear23 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hi everyone.... I'm 21 and I've been married for less than a month now. I need to vent! I need advice!

My husband and I only dated for about 6 months before we decided to get married. We dated about 2 years ago but couldn't stay together because of my drug abuse.... 
I'm beginning to think that this marriage was a mistake. 

I feel neglected. I feel like he doesn't REALLY love me. Honestly I feel like he was really interested in me in the beginning and recognized how compatible we are and just went for it. Now I feel like he just knows that I love him too much to leave him or hurt him like his ex(s) have in the past and he's settled for me.

He's an AMAZING man... and he would do anything for me and those he loves. I have so much respect for him and I truly love him with everything I have. 

I'm starting to feel like more one of his guy friends than his WIFE. He doesn't ever do or say anything romantic and whenever I give him a kiss on the cheek or anything I get a feeling that he doesn't like it.

our sex life isn't passionate. we do "it" it's nice he finishes quickly and then thats it. 

When we have spoken briefly he's mentioned how "compatible" we are..... and how his previous relationships were "infatuations"..... this just makes me feel more that he doesn't really love me.

I feel like a piece of meat. I feel worthless. I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I know he doesn't intend for me to feel this way but I do.

It's very difficult for me to voice my feelings and I do need to talk to him about these feelings and how intense they are for me. But I almost feel like it may be pointless. In my past relationships and just observing other peoples relationships, you can't change someone's mind. If he doesn't love me, he never will.

I'm incredibly confused because I get the feeling that he doesn't want to be with me.....that he isn't IN LOVE with me....that if he could have found someone that he was in love with that also loved him the way I do he would be all over it. 

I know he wouldn't ever cheat on me and he probably wouldn't ever even leave me..... he's just not at all that kind of person. He's too head-strong.

am I doomed to live in a loveless relationship for the rest of my life?


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## ladybear23 (Aug 23, 2009)

oh btw... I'm in recovery now and don't use drugs or alcohol anymore....


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I feel you were in no way ready to marry and it was maybe not the best timing since your a recovering abuser.
People who select good partners are usually ones who have good judgement of the qualities they look for and many other things...

or they get super lucky.
It looks as if this marriage was not a good idea and possibly because the timing was bad.
I don't know if your doomed for anything the rest of your life but if you handle it right, in discussing your feelings with him, you may find he feels the same as you do and will agree to divorce
and make it an easy one.


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## ladybear23 (Aug 23, 2009)

unfortunately, I think you may be right


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you are in recovery, you can work on your self-esteem. I have no way of knowing how your husband really feels, and you are probably not the most reliable narrator (no criticism intended) b/c you seem full of self-doubts. When someone says as much "I think he feels this, feels that," my radar goes up b/c there is no way you can know what he's thinking/feeling unless you ASK him--and then, if you have self-esteem issues, you may not believe him--you may feel you don't deserve his love, for example, so you assume you are not lovable. 

On the other hand, he may actually like your dependency and be taking advantage of that if his own self-esteem is low (and that does not mean he's doing it intentionally, either). Maybe an honest heart-to-heart, hearing what he has to say, you letting him know your doubts AND self-doubts, will help clear the air. You could try some good relationship books and/or counseling, too, in addition to any therapy you might be doing. Good luck.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> On the other hand, he may actually like your dependency and be taking advantage of that if his own self-esteem is low (and that does not mean he's doing it intentionally, either). QUOTE]
> 
> 
> 
> This could be true


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I have to say I disagree with some of the advice that has been given here. I believe that when you make the choice to get married, you KNOW what you are doing and need to be prepared for the consequences of that. If you haven't even been married for 2 years, heck or even a year you both have alot of work to do. I've pm'd you.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm not sure I understand how his feelings for you can be considered not love? He's more mature than you are, for one thing. He ACTS. His love language is action. 

You want words, though. That's not unreasonable.

Get the 5 Languages of Love and see if tha thelps the two of you understand one another.

You sound immature to me, btw. You want infatuation-like behavior and feelings. That's not love. That's not deep feeling. That stuff disappears. Love is much broader and deeper.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Ode to a compatible marriage

Please say it isn't so

Somebody shoot me with an arrow from a bow

To say its boring is to give it too much life

Sort of like Yankee Doodle played by a marching band and a fife

Oh Ode to a compatible marriage

like to mules walking in disparage

Get out, get out while the gettin is good

like when the gate is open and your reving what's under the hood

So go young lady and never look back

Something may be gaining on you yackity yack


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