# husband diagnosed Bi-polar



## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

Husband was diagnosed bi polar yesterday. He has had situational anxiety and general anxiety along with depression for many years. So now we add the bi-polar to the mix. 

We are separated. We talked everyday and set dates to see each other. We have agreed he will be gone for a month (it has'nt been a week yet). 

Has anyone dealt with someone that has these issues? He is on effexor and started seroquel last night. I have posted on this site about our problems, so please read them if you have time. This has been really hard and I need some advice. His mood can change in a moment, he can be mean and heartless then 2 minutes later, loving. I dont get it!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My wife was diagnosed years ago as Bipolar II - a slightly less extreme version. The diagnosis was later changed, but I still think she displays many of the characteristics.

Medication can help, but it takes time and often takes some experimentation to find the best combination. I believ Effexor is a "Mood Stabilizer". These are now commonly used for bi-polar patients. It will probably take several months to find an effective combination of meds and to figure out the right dosages.

Most importantly, he has to be willing to work with a Psychiatrist and possibly a psychologist to begin to get on the right track.

What was his reaction to being placed on meds? Did a Psych diagnose him, or was it a generalist, or primary care doc? Did they suggest any type of therapy or counseling?

Good luck...


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

I was on Effexor XR for about 3 years. It did a good job at stabilizing me but also cut off my libido and has some serious withdrawal symptoms. It took me a month to wean myself off of them. 

Dr and I decided that I'm better at controlling my anxiety and depression with regular (like daily) exercise. Wife is so much happier with me off of the Effexor XR as well. I still have some bad days but my wife and I work together to control it. She and I have a code word to let me know when I'm slipping into crazy-land. It's worked for over a year now.

See if your husband wouldn't mind if you were closely invovlved at some point with the therapy. I'm not saying go to therapy with him but at least maybe once to show support and let the therapist know you are fully on board with helping. 

It will be a tough journey - I know. During the depths of my problems, I almost lost my most precious things in the world - My wife and my 2 daughters. Thank God - she helped me wake up. 

Take it slow and best of luck to you both.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

He has been on the Effexor 225 mg daily for 1 1/2 yrs. He was put on it for depression and anxiety disorder. We've been in counseling for 2 months. Last Fri he started going by himself, he has another appointment tomorrow, he goes 1x wk. First psychiatrist was yesterday, she prescribed the seroquel, hes starting at 50mg and build up over 2 weeks to 200mg. he has another apointment with her Jan 5. We are separated because he "had to think clearly" remove himself from the situation and reflect. It started getting really bad, he was mean and nasty then wanting to cuddle me.. wtf? Rollercoaster ride. 

The plan is that we are going to be separated for 1 month. That gives him some time to work with the meds, work on himself, go to counseling etc ... 

I'm having a really hard time with all this. It's becoming a daily struggle for me, I am not a day by day person, I plan for things. Right now, where he is at mentally, he can't see past today. 

So, I question all this, If he can't see past today,how is he going to come home in 30 days? he's been gone for 5 days. He calls, texts, comes over for 1-2 hrs every other day. This weekend he said he might spend the night .. 

I'm trying ..


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Hang in there - I've been where your husband is right now. It's hard to know that you're hurting your loved ones. I almost left several times before just exiling myself to a 4x6 computer room in the house. I was just trying to isolate myself from my wife to protect her - or at least thats what I thought. Turns out I would have been better not retreating into my isolation at all but that was just me.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

You have issues like he does? Mood swings, wanting to be alone, I love you I dont want to be married to you, anxiety, inner turmoil, pressure etc? 

If you do would you please befriend my husband. he has such a hard time with all this.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

kgregory1011 said:


> Husband was diagnosed bi polar yesterday....His mood can change in a moment, he can be mean and heartless then 2 minutes later, loving. I dont get it!


KG, perhaps he is bipolar. I suspect that you were closer to the truth, however, in your 12/12 post where you said you suspected he has strong BPD traits (Borderline Personality Disorder traits). I am not a psychologist. My only experience is having lived with a BPDer exW for 15 years and having taken care of a bipolar foster son for 30 years. Based on that experience, I believe the behavioral traits you describe in your other threads may be closer to BPD traits than bipolar. 

There are several clear differences between the two disorders. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In sharp contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. BPD rages, for example, typically last about 5 hours and rarely as long as 36 hours. Significantly, the mood changes you describe are occurring frequently and apparently can occur several times a week.

A second difference is that the onset is very different. Whereas a bipolar change may occur over several weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 15 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action (i.e., it is not caused by a slow change in body chemistry as occurs with bipolar). One reason this happens is because a BPDer does black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone (including himself) as either "all good" or "all bad." Hence, a mild comment by you can instantly trigger his anger, causing him to immediately reclassify you as being "all bad." This is called "splitting you black."

A third difference is that, whereas bipolar can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of _meanness_ you see when a BPD is splitting you black. The difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPD person can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly.

Finally, a fourth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if she knows you well. Untreated BPDs, however, are unable to trust -- even though they sometimes may claim otherwise. This lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when a person does not trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

Yet, despite these four clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. The primary source of this confusion seems to be the fact that a substantial share of BPD sufferers also have the bipolar disorder. This distinction between the two disorders is very important because, whereas bipolar is usually treated quite successfully with a pill, BPD is a thought disorder that cannot be treated with medication. Instead, it takes years of therapy to learn how to control it and it is rare for a BPDer to be willing to do that. Although meds are often prescribed to address the anxiety and depression accompanying BPD traits, they cannot correct the underlying thought disorder.

Finally, I note that psychologists and psychiatrists are loath to diagnose a person as "having BPD" even when they recognize that he has that illness. One reason is that insurance companies usually refuse to cover BPD treatments, claiming (falsely) that it is untreatable. A second reason is that BPDers typically will quit therapy immediately on hearing that dreaded diagnosis. A third reason is that the social stigma is so negative that the therapists are often reluctant to place it on someone's permanent record, where it may affect employment. 

As a result, it is not uncommon for the diagnosis to be listed as an accompanying symptom such as depression or bipolar. I mention this because, if you want to obtain a candid opinion of what you are dealing with, your best chance is to see a clinical psychologist on your own -- absent your H -- so the psych will speak candidly based on what you tell him. Of course, he cannot give you a definitive diagnosis without seeing your H, but he certainly can tell you "it sounds like you are dealing with ...."

KG, if this discussion of BPD behavior sounds familiar, I suggest that you read my three posts about such behavior in GTRR's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. Those three posts provide more information and contain links to good articles by professionals about typical BPDer behavior.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

Thank you for all that fabulous information. 

I also think that he is more BPD, he has all the symptoms.

He sees a clinical psychologist 1x week. Psychiatrist is treating him for bi polar and psychologist will help with the BPD.

He sees everything as "black and white" He loves me, he hates me.It's a rollercoaster of confusion.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Brace yourself..my husband did the I hate you, I want a divorce etc...sad thing is you know it is a mental issue but it will effect you. Years later I am thinking I hate him and I want a divorce. 

My husband will not get counseling or proper meds. He will only take Zoloft. Zoloft adds a whole new problem. 

It is really hard dealing with a loved one with bipolar. It would be a good idea to get a "huge" support group and start reading what you will expect and how to deal with.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

how are you K1011?


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## amberfairystone (Jan 10, 2011)

There is a great forum over at bpdrecovery.com that could really help you (and him). I was diagnosed as BPD and they later changed it to Bi-Polar and I will say, whatever his actual disorder is, he needs support and help and it will be difficult for the two of you as a couple. 
I wish you all the best...seek support for yourself outside of him also.


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