# How important is humor compatability in a relationship?



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

I've been married to my wife for 25 years and, without getting into the whole thing, I was not ready to make that kind of decision at the time (she was older and had a child and I married her because after two years of dating I loved her child and couldn't imagine anyone else raising her). I've never felt that we were compatible in terms of personality and sense of humor, but we always had kids in the relationship and that distracted us from each other. I have a very dry, sarcastic, self depreciating sense of humor and our two kids developed a similar sense of humor. We made each other laugh frequently and still do, even through text and email. Our son (youngest) officially left the house last winter, so both kids live out of state now, and I'm really missing laughter. Now that it's just the two of us, our personality differences really stand out and particularly the humor. I grew up in a house where we all teased each other relentlessly and my wife grew up in a house where they took things very seriously and never teased or made fun of anyone. As a result, if I or the kids tease her, she gets upset, and if we make fun of someone else, she'll usually defend them. She frequently doesn't understand when people are joking or being sarcastic and when we're watching something funny on TV, she'll keep looking at me to see if I laugh before she laughs. Also, when we're together with the kids, she frequently won't understand our banter or why we're laughing and then gets very competitive for their attention and seems to resent my connection with them.

I guess my question is, how important is this? Does your spouse or S.O. make you laugh? 

To me, laughter is really important and I miss it greatly. I want desperately to have the same kind of banter with her that I have with the kids, but I'm sure now that she'll never change in this respect. 

There are other issues with our relationship, but this certainly affects it and is contributing to thoughts of finding someone else who I'm more compatible with instead of spending possibly another 25 or more years without laughter or that friendly banter that I so love and miss.

Thanks in advance.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I guess my question is, how important is this? Does your spouse or S.O. make you laugh?
> 
> To me, laughter is really important and I miss it greatly. I want desperately to have the same kind of banter with her that I have with the kids, but I'm sure now that she'll never change in this respect.
> 
> There are other issues with our relationship, but this certainly affects it and is contributing to thoughts of finding someone else who I'm more compatible with instead of spending possibly another 25 or more years without laughter or that friendly banter that I so love and miss.


While you state laughter and a similar sense of humor are very important to you, I think you really should focuss on the fact that you and your wife were never really compatible to begin with. You married her for her kid, not for her endearing qualities. You ever see Jerry McGuire? He loved her kid before he loved her too. The good thing is that eventually he did realize that SHE was the reason they needed to be together. She was good for him.

Is your wife good for you? Only you know that. Your description of her doesn't put her in a favorable light. She sounds like a wet blanket, and you sound rather shallow.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

In my opinion, it is important. I'm in a similar situation with my husband - he is the serious one, and me, I like to play practical jokes on him and just goof around!

He often doesn't find the jokes funny; he acts too "grown" up" all the time. It's like hanging out with my dad... LoL

That said, he has good qualities that I try to focus on, and those are the qualities I married him for - certainly not his sense of humor.

I think it's honorable that your wife wants to defend others you poke fun of, even if they never hear a single word you say... I do the same thing, but I see my husband's comments as harsh and judgmental - something I DON'T like about him at all...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think its very important. Especially for someone like me - who has a very sarcastic / biting sense of humor at times.

Like with kids - my oldest "gets" my sense of humor - but I'm learning that I have to tone it down with my youngest because she's very sensitive right now.

Also - regarding my sense of humor - its often how I handle difficult feelings and hard times. I think that a partner would need to understand that.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> I have a very dry, sarcastic, self depreciating sense of humor and our two kids developed a similar sense of humor. We made each other laugh frequently and still do, even through text and email. Our son (youngest) officially left the house last winter, so both kids live out of state now, and I'm really missing laughter.


 My husband is like YOU, I absolutely LOVE his sense of humor, my only complaint with him is...he doesn't open his mouth enough to use it, he thinks these things and doesn't always say them-especially around other peoeple because he doesn't want them to think he is that uncooth , but at home, he lets it rip pretty nicely. Oh yeah! Kids love it too.

Not sure how you are, but my husband is a H of a NICE guy, he is never disrespectful to others, he is well loved at work by all, he has a peace making personality even, but yeah, he has this dry devious side to him, I call it his "greatest EDGE" accually. Not enough people see the REAL him though. Even his own family (siblings, Mom) does not realize how uncooth he can be. We have to keep it tame on the Holidays. 



> Now that it's just the two of us, our personality differences really stand out and particularly the humor. I grew up in a house where we all teased each other relentlessly and my wife grew up in a house where they took things very seriously and never teased or made fun of anyone.


 That is a HUGE difference in personalities and how you enjoy life, you would be walking on eggshells, restraining back who you really are and the laughter building inside. I think this would be very difficult, and drain the enjoyment right out of life personally. 

I take it they are generally very reserved, more sensitive and PROPER. *What brand of humor does your wife enjoy? What makes her laugh*?



> As a result, if I or the kids tease her, she gets upset, and if we make fun of someone else, she'll usually defend them.


 Now granted, I often defend someone also if I feel another is cutting on them and it is not deserved...but usually this is in serious conversations, friends gossiping or something. 

Is your joking ALWAYS putting others down -and do you really feel that way .......or is it more like taking another's uniqueness and exaggerating it to heights that often the majority of others would find humorus, even the most serious- kinda like you see a cartoonist exaggerate the looks of a President or something, you can not near help but be amused. 

That is how my husband is, he does this to ME all the time, I absolutely LOVE it, sometimes I am visibly mad at the time but he shakes me out of it -with his brand of humor. I guess I enjoy being made fun of! I know he is right, he does it to the kids too, we really don't feel "put down" , cause we know he loves us in spite of our Quirks. 



> Also, when we're together with the kids, she frequently won't understand our banter or why we're laughing and then gets very competitive for their attention and seems to resent my connection with them.


 I would not at all be surprised if she was, it likely annoyes her that her kids enjoy you more ! Men are generally always funnier than women though, I have always thought so. Do they ever laugh at/with her? How does she bring that on? 



> I guess my question is, how important is this? Does your spouse or S.O. make you laugh?


I feel a companionship of laughter is very important for our well beings , in expressing how we look at the craziness around us in this screwed up world, it is a way of letting off steam --even if we are a little uncooth at times, we should be able to do that in our very own homes where those we love KNOW us deeply & are not offended by it - I feel it could surely hinder the overall happiness & relating within a marraige. I could never be with someone who Judged everything that flew out of my mouth, or someone too sensitive, too proper all the time, I would be bored out of my living mind. 

I did a thread on this very issue here >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ughter-marraige-bantering-joking-joy-all.html

.


----------



## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

I think humor compatibility is pretty important.

Unfortunately, my DW and I also have different senses of humor. My sense of humor varies between sarcastic to sophomoric where her sense of humor varies between, I don't know, slim and none?! :scratchhead:

The difference has occasionally caused rifts between us but I try to work within the very limited boundaries that she has expressed is permissible for a sense of humor to exist.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Pretty darn important. If you don't engage each other intellectually (and of course humor is part of that), what chance is there for you?


----------



## MNM (Nov 30, 2011)

I think sense of humor is very important in a relationship. I know that if it wasn't for my husband making me laugh all the time I would sometimes let my worries overwhelm me. This world can really get you down sometimes if you don't know how to laugh. When I am upset, either with him or myself, his ability to make me smile and laugh is what gets us through an argument.

However, growing up, my family also liked to tease and make fun of one another, sometimes bordering on cruelty. I realized that this wasn't appropriate in my first relationship when the things I said hurt his feelings. Part of it was because he was 8 years older than me so probably he was more "mature" and serious than me, but it was also because he had a completely different sense of humor. Teasing and joking around with each other was not his way. In the end, we never made each other smile and laugh and the relationship dried up, ran its course.

I hope that isn't the case for you. I just know that all people are different and it is hard enough to make a marriage work when you ARE compatible.


----------



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

I guess it's not like we never laugh. I frequently make her laugh and sometimes she makes me laugh, but it pretty one sided. I don't think I'm harsh when I make fun of others. I've learned not to tease her too much, as she can be sensitive about it and I frequently tell her to give me sh!t any time she wants, but it's not in her nature. She very good hearted and sees the best in everyone, where as I am pretty cynical and judgmental about people. Certainly her traits are more admirable than mine and we both come by them honestly (she's very much like her dad). It's just a fundamental difference in how we see the world and it can be frustrating. In fact, I never realized how judgemental my parents were until the kids started pointing it out. Then it was like, "oh my god, I do that?". Now when we catch ourselves, we jokingly remind each other that we have our "judging socks" on (yes, the kids have inherited that as well). 

The other side of it is that me and the kids make fun of ourselves at least as much as we tease others, but she doesn't seem to be comfortable with that (In fact, it's very hard for her to admit she made a mistake in general). It's not something that's likely to change, so I guess I'll have to call the kids more and watch more sitcoms. The funny ones...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So a man walks into a bar, which worked out better for him than the man who walked into a grill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Very important!!! That's how little misunderstanding or irritations on the daily routine will always pass you by


----------



## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

seriously? after 25 years together & raising 2 kids you're gonna complain that her sense of humour isn't up to scratch? i'm sorry, i'm gonna agree with 'a bit much', your post sounds a bit shallow & petty. 

after all this time, surely that shouldn't be the major concern in your marriage. maybe she's a bit hyper sensitive, that's how she's wired. unlikely to change now.

i would suggest you find some other things you guys have in common, maybe a new hobby to do together now that the kids are gone, rather than complain about her poor sense of humour. 

alternatively you can leave her, go find someone who gets your sense of humour, & take your chances as she could be an inconsiderate spouse without half the good qualities your wife has. but i guess if a sense of humour is that important to you, then you're prepared to take your chances with a whole list of bad qualities that someone else may have- serial cheater, selfish, anger issues, lazy etc. but at least they'll get your sense of humour?!


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> To me, laughter is really important and I miss it greatly. I want desperately to have the same kind of banter with her that I have with the kids, but I'm sure now that she'll never change in this respect.
> 
> There are other issues with our relationship, but this certainly affects it and is contributing to thoughts of finding someone else who I'm more compatible with instead of spending possibly another 25 or more years without laughter or that friendly banter that I so love and miss.


This sounds worlds apart from this:



> I guess it's not like we never laugh. I frequently make her laugh and sometimes she makes me laugh, but it pretty one sided. I don't think I'm harsh when I make fun of others. I've learned not to tease her too much, as she can be sensitive about it and I frequently tell her to give me sh!t any time she wants, but it's not in her nature. She very good hearted and sees the best in everyone, where as I am pretty cynical and judgmental about people. Certainly her traits are more admirable than mine and we both come by them honestly (she's very much like her dad).


I hope you really spend some time thinking about just how important this is to you. If one day you're thinking of leaving her and the next it's not so bad, I honestly think you have more issues than she does. 25 years isn't something you just want to throw away on a whim.


----------



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

I appreciate all the comments. I realize that it seems petty and shallow, but it's just one aspect of our relationship that is off. I'm not trying to be flip about it but, as always, it's much more complicated that that. I was just trying to gather opinion about how others valued humor in their relationships. There are many aspects to compatability and I'm not going to throw away 25 years lightly. As with many people, I've had many concerns for years and consistently tried to make the best of it and discuss things openly with her. There's too much detail to go into here, but This certainly is not the only factor influencing the comment about finding someone else. As I said, I appreciate the comments and understand the appearance, but there's more to it on both sides and humor is just one aspect.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H and I have a very different sense of humor, something i'm just starting to realize. It can make the day-to-day of the relationship boring. When I talk to my brother, whom i share a sense of humor with, i feel better and the day feels lighter. 

My H and I laugh but it's never really together. Either i'm laughing at him or he laughs at something i said/did (although this is rare). But we never laugh together and share jokes about situations. My H also has a sarcastic kind of bitting humor and it offends me a lot. He starts feeling like he cant talk around me. He also loves to be 'on-stage' having me laugh at him as if he were a comedian. That was fine and fun at first but I'd like it to be more of a communal thing. Most of the time he just doesnt get my humor so i dont really say much around him either. if we do talk it's jsut about the boring day-to-day, 'how was your day?' etc. 

I told my H how i felt about not laughing together, because he takes a lot of pride in 'making' me laugh. he thinks that it's a good thing if he's the comedian on stage while i'm laughing at him. but i've told him that while i enjoy that some times i'd really like us to laugh together, sharing jokes, etc. i can tell he's working on it and it seems to be getting a little better; although it does feel like he's forcing it a lot of the time. I dont think this is something that would break a marriage but if there are many other weak spots i can see how it could contribute to splitting up.


----------



## devilsden (Jun 21, 2012)

I am a bit late joining this thread, but I am curious as to how Tommy and Blanca ended up reconciling or not reconciling this need, as I am at a similar crossroad in finding the lack of shared humor sometimes unbearable after 20 years of a very kind marriage.


----------



## LillyoftheValley (May 18, 2012)

My problem here too, I like to entertain, make jokes, my husband acts grown up, and doesn't get them. Humor is very important to me. He is way too serious. He even doesn't smile that much. My friend works in the same building as him, and said the same thing. She was surprised to see him smile one day.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

devilsden said:


> I am a bit late joining this thread, but I am curious as to how Tommy and Blanca ended up reconciling or not reconciling this need, as I am at a similar crossroad in finding the lack of shared humor sometimes unbearable after 20 years of a very kind marriage.


As of right now we're doing OK in this area. I'm learning to appreciate his humor but I've also talked to him many times about not liking to be the one in the audience. He's been better about laughing with me and also being a little more serious when I need him to. I've been working on not being so serious. Things in my life are going better and I'm learning to just be my goofy self and not worry too much about how well we're meshing every single moment. We also don't have any other problems in our marriage right now so that helps a lot.


----------

