# He is doing "great" since he left, I am not.



## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

My stbxh told me in a text that "he feels great" now that he is away from my bullsh*t. He is involved in an EA with a married woman (who lives in another state).
I, on the other hand, am not doing "great". I'm really doing quite poorly.
For anyone in this situation, how do you cope knowing that your stbx walked away and just moved on without any problems and seems to be very happy?
Ugh, I hate this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why exactly are you "doing poorly"? Have you considered counseling to talk to someone about what you're feeling?

C


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> Why exactly are you "doing poorly"? Have you considered counseling to talk to someone about what you're feeling?
> 
> C


I still feel sad often, I miss him (or who he used to be), I still blame myself.
I am in IC and it helps, but I still struggle daily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been separated?

C


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

It takes time to start to feel better and even then, you'll have good days and bad days. He says he's feeling great since he left you but maybe he's still on a high from new found freedom and with this EA with the other woman, but I'm sure that'll change at some point. I think it's the whole "grass is greener on the other side" for now but then reality will set in. Keep going to counseling to help yourself heal from this. It will help. Good luck!


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> How long have you been separated?
> 
> C


2 months, 1 month since D-Day and he moved out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

He's in an EA with a married woman, he can't be feeling all that great. But telling you that he is did exactly what it was intended to do - made you feel bad and guilty. Stop talking to him. Keep working on yourself. You will find in the end, you will be the one doing great and he will be the same as he was before.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts, as someone who ended his marriage... It's likely easier for him to move on (assuming he made the choice to move on, not you) for a few reasons. First, he was likely further down the "grief cycle" for the relationship than you currently are. He'd processed his feelings about the end of the marriage before telling you that he wanted out.

But the big thing is that he's getting his emotional needs met by the other woman. She's "replaced" you as the person he talks to about his day, about what he's thinking, etc. You don't have that hole in your life filled yet. 

In the long run, you will be better off than he is, I suspect. You're dealing with things properly, even if they're more painful now. He's masking the issues, and is likely to have a string of failed relationships until he figures out what he's missing.

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jforthegirl said:


> My stbxh told me in a text that "he feels great" now that he is away from my bullsh*t. He is involved in an EA with a married woman (who lives in another state).
> I, on the other hand, am not doing "great". I'm really doing quite poorly.
> For anyone in this situation, how do you cope knowing that your stbx walked away and just moved on *without any problems* and seems to be very happy?
> Ugh, I hate this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's all fluff, dear. Sure, he may be high on his EA right now and the newness of feeling single/solo but he will crash eventually into reality.

Stop listening to him say how great his life is. Set boundaries. 

Everyone on this earth goes through sh!t. Nothing is a bunch of rainbows all the time. 

Time... is on your side.

You have to go through the nastiness first to get to the good parts.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Sorry that you are going through this. EA with a married woman is relationship suicide. He is very much in "the fog" and you sadly are the enemy at this point.

Trust me when I say, he is NOT great. I heard the same thing for a very long time. I was the worst human being alive and he was thrilled with his affair partner. 

Start the 180 and focus on yourself. I did alot of things wrong when we first separated. I tried to guilt him into coming home, I begged, I yelled, cried and I waited for an apology that never came.

I hope to save you a lot of time on those mistakes. 

Work on yourself, follow the 180 and only contact him when absolutely necessary. It is hard as hell but it is best for YOUR recovery and clarity. 

Good luck!


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Thank you all for the encouragement, I really need it this week.

PBear, I think you hit the nail on the head. He is having his emotional needs met by her and I have this huge void in that area, maybe that is what I miss the most about him. 
It is just so hard to have him leave, after 23 years together, and move on just like that. It's like he was able to flip a switch and turn off any feelings that he had for me. We may as well have been together for 2 months, not 23 years. That is how he is acting, just threw me away like a piece of trash.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jforthegirl said:


> Thank you all for the encouragement, I really need it this week.
> 
> PBear, I think you hit the nail on the head. He is having his emotional needs met by her and I have this huge void in that area, maybe that is what I miss the most about him.
> It is just so hard to have him leave, after 23 years together, and move on just like that. It's like he was able to flip a switch and turn off any feelings that he had for me. We may as well have been together for 2 months, not 23 years. That is how he is acting, just threw me away like a piece of trash.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It only appears the "switch got flipped"

Resentment and the detachment necessary to crap on a life partner build up over time.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Oh trust me- it's all fluff (and that's putting it nicely).

As was say in the UK, 50p bets of the next things to come will be of the following....

a) I never loved you for 6 months/1 yr/ever (this amount will depend on just how firmly in the victim chair they wish to feel)

b) It will always be your fault. Heck you could have been Mrs Beeton in the kitchen and a h*** in the bedroom, but it will always be your fault.

c) If you Divorce, it won't matter- because it meant nothing to me anyway.

d) If your really lucky, you'll hear just after the divorce that XH will become engaged/moved in with OW/preg with OM

d) If you stick around this forum, you'll make mistakes, talk through potentials mistakes learn to understand about 4 by 2's (when you make mistakes  )

And then finally you'll log on and be able to pass on advice to people who aren't hear yet, but will reach out and get advice from people who care from around the world.

Trust me, if you'd have said that I'd be so worldly wise back in March 2013, I'd have laughed. The truly sad thing is........they ALL trot out the same reasons. Which is why we're stronger with knowledge and power of the support this forum.


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## jeffthechef (Sep 10, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> Thank you all for the encouragement, I really need it this week.
> 
> PBear, I think you hit the nail on the head. He is having his emotional needs met by her and I have this huge void in that area, maybe that is what I miss the most about him.
> It is just so hard to have him leave, after 23 years together, and move on just like that. It's like he was able to flip a switch and turn off any feelings that he had for me. We may as well have been together for 2 months, not 23 years. That is how he is acting, just threw me away like a piece of trash.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The dreaded "switch". You can be certain that he's been thinking for a long time about leaving. But, fear, guilt etc. kept that "switch" from doing anything. Then enters the EA. The "switch" now has some electricity, some power to take action.

F them.

You are not alone jforthegirl. I, and so many here have felt this "switch", though there are many different reasons for our X's actions.

Be sad, cry, scream. You have to know life isn't about him, or his EA. This life, right now; is about you. You are not trash.

Focus. You are now able to focus on you, and only your needs.

I don't know you jforthegirl, but I'm pulling for you. When you feel alone, and all hope is lost, know that a chef in New England, who knows your pain, is pulling for you.

2014 is your year, if you want it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The one left behind always seems to hurt longer and deeper than the one that runs. It unfortunately part of the process and we all go thru it. He may say he is doing great, you didn’t expect him to say he was miserable now did you? You hoped he would be it wont happen. 

He may think he is doing great because that is what fantasyland does, he is having fun, he is avoiding the situation for what it truly is. While you are grieving the loss right now he isn’t because he doesn’t want to face it. He hasn’t even begun to start the grieving process really and that wont happen till his current situation changes. Then when the “real world” start dragging him back he will realize. You will be further along in the process than him.

It doesn’t make you feel better today, I know but just remember these days when his new gf dumps him and suddenly he wants “to talk” with you and try and patch things up. Remember your heartache it will give you strength to make the best decisions for you if and when the times comes.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

philglossop said:


> Oh trust me- it's all fluff (and that's putting it nicely).
> 
> As was say in the UK, 50p bets of the next things to come will be of the following....
> 
> ...


Jfor
I have been physically separated since August. At month 1 of separation I got A and B. I am expecting C, which I haven't gotten because we are not divorced yet. I am doing my best to do D.

I too received the "I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life" plus "You changed me into someone I didn't like or recognized, I am finally free and very happy"

Focus on yourself. It takes a long time, I am still recovering. I had wanted to beg him to take me back (listen to that, TAKE ME BACK, even though he was the one with the affairs). I blamed myself, I thought he was wonderful and amazing.
I even thought that everything was in my head, that my gut was wrong, that I was crazy, and even if he cheated I could forgive, even if he had EA I could learn to accept them because he was the only person who loved me.

After I realized that I did not care if I ended up alone in life, that is when I knew I had to leave to maintain my own sanity. I was driving myself crazy with the constant vigilance.

You are not alone, you are going to be ok. Start learning to love yourself and enjoy solitude. I feel for you because I too was hurt deeply.

Good Luck and keep posting here, it helps in the healing process


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

phil, I already the got the "I haven't loved you for x amount of time", in his case it was 5 years!
In the past 5 years we bought our first house together, got married after being together for 21 years, and had our only child together. Not exactly behavior that would have led me to believe that he didn't love me anymore.
I also already been blamed for all of this, I am a "terrible person", that is why he left, "it has nothing to do with her"...

chef, I think that you are right. I think that he had been thinking of leaving for a long time and this married woman (who also has a young child - wth??) gave him the strength that he needed to leave. Thank you for your support, this week has been so hard.

honcho, I wonder how this will all play out. Although he thinks he "loves" this new cyber girlfriend, I don't think that it will amount to anything. He can barely afford to live on his own and he is already unable to pay child support for our child. I can't imagine that he would take on the responsibility of this woman and her child. I think that he is just loving fantasyland, like you said. But, I am doubtful that he will ever want to come back to me. He truly seems like he has never loved me and is quite content to be single again and without the responsibilities of married life with a child. I think he wants to play and party, without consequence.

(sigh), how did I get here.....?


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## Sa55ycla55y (Dec 10, 2013)

jforthegirl,
Your post could not have come at the right time for me. I swear I had to look to make sure I didn't write it and forget. Its is the exact situation I am going through right now. I am destroyed by his EA. He financially bankrupted me behind my back, treated me horribly for years, ignored me and all of a sudden he find a "friend" he is texting all the time. 24 and a definite upgrade. He fact he left and is "never felt more like a man" makes me sick. I want him to hurt and suffer. I am doing everything, taking care of the kids, the house and he is partying and having some midlife crisis. He got tattoos just to spite me and thankfully there is karma b/c one was wrong lol. I hate feeling like I miss someone who I know is not worthy of me. I wonder is it my pride that is hurt or is it really me? Do I miss him or the idea of him? I have never been so ashamed and disappointed in someone in my life as I am him. He gave up, didn't even want to get help and he gets to be happy? He caused most of our problems that we had and here it was New Years Day, 2 years after he destroyed me financially, I forgave him and stayed. I am miserable missing him and he is partying with friends. I don't know how long this pain and anger will last but I have no idea how to get past it. I am wishing him nothing but misery, pain and an STD!!!!! I know that is hateful but its my true raw honest feelings.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Sa55ycla55y said:


> jforthegirl,
> Your post could not have come at the right time for me. I swear I had to look to make sure I didn't write it and forget. Its is the exact situation I am going through right now. I am destroyed by his EA. He financially bankrupted me behind my back, treated me horribly for years, ignored me and all of a sudden he find a "friend" he is texting all the time. 24 and a definite upgrade. He fact he left and is "never felt more like a man" makes me sick. I want him to hurt and suffer. I am doing everything, taking care of the kids, the house and he is partying and having some midlife crisis. He got tattoos just to spite me and thankfully there is karma b/c one was wrong lol. I hate feeling like I miss someone who I know is not worthy of me. I wonder is it my pride that is hurt or is it really me? Do I miss him or the idea of him? I have never been so ashamed and disappointed in someone in my life as I am him. He gave up, didn't even want to get help and he gets to be happy? He caused most of our problems that we had and here it was New Years Day, 2 years after he destroyed me financially, I forgave him and stayed. I am miserable missing him and he is partying with friends. I don't know how long this pain and anger will last but I have no idea how to get past it. I am wishing him nothing but misery, pain and an STD!!!!! I know that is hateful but its my true raw honest feelings.


I understand the feelings but you are only hurting yourself. These people are not truly happy as they have no idea what true happiness is. The way to get past it is to learn and find your true happiness which is within you not him. What he did is on him not you. You have no reason to be ashamed or disappointed in him as you are not responsible for his actions. You are only responsible for you. Don't let him waste another minute of your life by hating him. Is is not worth it.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

littlejaz said:


> I understand the feelings but you are only hurting yourself. These people are not truly happy as they have no idea what true happiness is. The way to get past it is to learn and find your true happiness which is within you not him. What he did is on him not you. You have no reason to be ashamed or disappointed in him as you are not responsible for his actions. You are only responsible for you. Don't let him waste another minute of your life by hating him. Is is not worth it.


I agree that being so focused on the ex can be detrimental to our emotional well being, but I do allow myself moments of anger and bitterness when I wish him all the ill of the world. You have to give yourself a few moments for vengeful thoughts. But you can't let it consume you, then he wins, right?
As much pain as I am in, I am making a real effort to let the anger and bitterness wash over me and off. I need to find a positive place emotionally so that I can raise my young daughter in a healthy and happy home. I need to do it for both of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Married for 24 years. Ex left for first a younger, then a much older, man in 2012. I gave up trying to understand what the hell she was thinking, or what she thought she was doing. She, too, said she was happy.

Since then, I've come to the conclusion that I was the one who kept our family together by being tolerant, kind, and loving. I was hurt beyond belief that she left. It may take me longer to reach the point when I say I am happy.

But I no longer caught up in her drama -- worrying about how she feels, about what she is doing, about whether I am better off.

My two older children are in therapy, and their testimony helped me win primary custody of the third. I worry about them. I worry about getting in a daily run. I don't think about my ex.

Please, take care of yourself. Take care of your daughter. You will feel the way you feel; it isn't right or wrong. I know your pain. If it helps you, I can tell you that it will get better.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

IronWine29 said:


> Married for 24 years. Ex left for first a younger, then a much older, man in 2012. I gave up trying to understand what the hell she was thinking, or what she thought she was doing. She, too, said she was happy.
> 
> Since then, I've come to the conclusion that I was the one who kept our family together by being tolerant, kind, and loving. I was hurt beyond belief that she left. It may take me longer to reach the point when I say I am happy.
> 
> ...


I can't wait for the day when I'm not worried about what he is doing. For 23 years, I've almost always known where he was or what he was doing. Then all of a sudden, we don't talk at all anymore except for when we have off our daughter. It's been a very difficult habit to break and it is very painful.
I wonder what he is doing, but he is glad to be away from me. 
Another very tough day today. I just want this pain to end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jforthegirl said:


> I can't wait for the day when I'm not worried about what he is doing. For 23 years, I've almost always known where he was or what he was doing. Then all of a sudden, we don't talk at all anymore except for when we have off our daughter. It's been a very difficult habit to break and it is very painful.
> I wonder what he is doing, but he is glad to be away from me.
> Another very tough day today. I just want this pain to end.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let it go.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Let it go.


Easier said than done. ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jforthegirl said:


> Easier said than done. ...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you realize it's not about you?


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Do you realize it's not about you?


Well, that is a very good question and one I am obviously struggling with.
I think I feel like I think that I feel partially responsible for his unhappiness. I am far from perfect, but I wish that if this marriage had to end, maybe we could have parted on more amicable terms.
I just don't know any more. I feel so confused by this and I don't even know how to interpret my own feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

jfor -

_For 23 years, I've almost always known where he was or what he was doing. Then all of a sudden, we don't talk at all anymore except for when we have off our daughter. It's been a very difficult habit to break and it is very painful._

When I read this, I felt the same. 

For 16 years, I was always the one who held the family together, knew where he was, what he was doing and felt connected. The last 2 years have been unnatural for me. Fish out of water. Trying to find my footing, handle household, finances, keep my daughter happy and safe, handle all the emotions and hold on to a very unsteady career in IT while dept is being outsourced to India. 

I have become much stronger and time does help with your strength but I must admit I am still baffled how he can just walk away from everything and not even look back, no remorse, no guilt, no obligations to child and absolute no feelings or care for me. 

The last 2 months I have slipped back to a more emotional state as I finalize all the documents alone without any input or help from him. Repairs around the house needed to be handled by me with very little money and a mix of the holidays has put me in a low spell. 

I got an email from ex last night after I requested child support. He said, "IRS or child support will NOT be paid. If you want $ go light a candle in the church on Sunday. I have no credit cards. I have no money. I owe lots of people lots of money. Light a candle and pray. That's my advice to you. I sold harley, rolex, IRA cashed in and no one pays me so join the crowd". 

He does not give a damn about me our daughter or any of the financial mess he created. Meanwhile he insists on keeping his business open that is making NO money. 

I am at my wits end. Every time I ask my lawyer a question it costs more money and I am totally ignored by ex on all decisions. 

Over the top with stress and really need 2014 to be a better year!


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

FrustratedFL said:


> jfor -
> 
> _For 23 years, I've almost always known where he was or what he was doing. Then all of a sudden, we don't talk at all anymore except for when we have off our daughter. It's been a very difficult habit to break and it is very painful._
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry FFl, that sounds awful. I hope to file papers in January and I expect to also be doing those alone. Luckily, I live in a state where he is required to pay child support, so I'm glad for that. And actually, although he has thrown me away like a piece of trash, he remains committed to our daughter. Well, he lives the single life at night and all weekend, but he watches her M-F from 7-330. I guess you could say he is like her nanny. ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Hi JFor ~

This thread has to be one of the best that I have read because he poster had advice that was profound and so so true. The advice was incredible and I found myself "liking" neraly every post.

Please do yourself a favor and LISTEN to these people. Sure, some of their advice is tough and to the point BUT it is meant to HELP you and EASE some of your emotional pain.

I wish I had listen YEARS ago but I didn't. Do NOT make the same mistakes as I have. 

I have gone through HELL since June of 2009 with my WH of neraly 31 years. You name it, he did it. You name it, I forgave. I forgot. I did the 180, the 280 and the 880.

I went to IC, he went to IC, we went to MC. I have dropped so much money on counseling, I could have bought a new friggin' car !!!

There is NOTHING that you can do to get him back. NOTHING.

You cannot CHANGE him. 

You CANNOT make him feel remorse.

He is going to rewrite your marital history to the point where you feel that you were living in the Twilight Zone.

Conrad was right when he told you that it is "NOT ABOUT YOU !!!"

This idiot has been harboring CRAP, most of which you don't even know about for YEARS. He is holding onto resentments, disappointments and anger that he may never have expressed to you.

I am STILL getting an earful from my WH about something that I did when our son was TWO years old. He is now 28. Get it?

My advice to you:

Read the advice on this thread daily.

Sleep as much as you can.

Eat properly.

Get out of the house everyday.

Exercise.

Continue with IC.

Talk to family and friends.

Post here on TAM. There is always someone who will help you out.

Do NOT contact him.

Delete his Texts, E-mails etc... UNLESS it is about your daughter.

Please don't waste years of your life. It is too late for me BUT it is not too late for you.

I am stronger now. No more tears. Our divorce is still on hold. He is still going to IC. He started antidepressants yesterday.
The OW is gone. He is treating me like a human being.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop is NOT the best way to live but it is what I have chosen.......for now !

Good Luck to you. Be Strong !!!! VH


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I read in a posting from another where the wayward to BS “I don’t think you would like who I really am”. It just kind of rang true in my head. Look at him today, who he is today. We are blinded by history and our perceptions of what we want to believe. You are still early in the game. The first 3 months I was an absolute walking zombie. 

You aren’t responsible for his unhappiness, at any point over the years he could have proclaimed how unhappy he was and ask for divorce or to work on all these issues which magically appear when it gets to this point. I think it true for every long term couple but over the years both spouses could easily justify suddenly be unhappy for resentment, hidden hurt feelings etc. Every couple has disagreements, 10 years ago I was so mad at my stbx I seriously thought about divorce. If I wanted I now can say Ive held this great resentment all these years and I cant take it anymore because it would fit my story if I wanted to get divorced now. Its just excuses and nonsense. 

He isn’t in love with her anymore than she is in love with him. They both love the fantasy that is all. Your stbx will find this out soon enough. Either she will get bored with the game or her husband will find out and she will magically decide she loves her husband and is going to give it one more try etc. 

You should file as quickly as you can, he wont and don’t expect him to. He doesn’t expect you to file. You are still the back up plan for him. He has blown up your life enough already. Start to control your life and your childs. Once you file and start making it real for him you will see yet another side of him and you will most likely not like that side even more than what you are dealing with now It will just reaffirm that you are making the right choices for you making you stronger and more able to “move forward”


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Yeah, honcho, I am sure that I am missing the man that used to be there, the one that I want to believe is still in there. I need to accept that he is gone, the man that remains is a stranger to me. He is selfish and cruel. 
I plan to file this month, I would be extremely surprised if he beat me to it. I worry that your are right, that things may get worse with him once I file. I'm not sure what to expect from him. 
I try so hard not to think about he and his married cyber girlfriend. It really shouldn't matter to me what happens with them, his life is his business. But...as mentioned in an earlier post here, she has filled my spot in fulfilling his emotional needs and she has also been given the support that I once got from him. All of the love, trust, and loyalty that he once gave to me, has now become hers. And that is probably the single most painful thing for me to accept.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

she has filled my spot in fulfilling his emotional needs and she has also been given the support that I once got from him. All of the love, trust, and loyalty that he once gave to me, has now become hers. And that is probably the single most painful thing for me to accept



She is NOT fulfilling his emotional needs, she is meeting a different want not a need. Remember way back when you first started dating, the excitement when he called you had….its lust the newness of it all. 

You’re a woman and I am a man, she is not getting his love, they have an illusion of a relationship that it. Loyalty? She is married and hasn’t left her husband. How much trust and loyalty do you think he really has for her. He isn’t giving her any. Your looking at that stuff from a female perspective. He is thinking with a different part of his body and that’s it. He is having his fun chasing a different life that doesn’t truly exist. Guys give love, loyalty and trust much different than women do. He hasn’t replace you at all. He is chasing his own selfish desires that’s it.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Honcho, maybe you are right. But I guess it doesn't really matter if she has his love, trust, loyalty. Because even if she doesn't, I don't have it either.
He is out of the marriage and onto his new life where he is searching for a new love. Anyone, but me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

I know that I shouldn't post this, but I just have to know what you guys think. 

I'm not sure why I am torturing myself by trying to find a reason behind my husband's actions, but indulge me...based on the list of his actions below, would you say my stbxh is just a walk away spouse or having a midlife crisis?
- after 23 years together, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, hasn't for the past 5 years
- blames me for this, said that I treated him like sh*t for 20 years
- is having an EA with a much younger married woman that lives out of state, is in "love". EA started before he left
- has lost a lot of weight, became very concerned with his appearance
- increase in drinking and started smoking again as soon as he told me he was leaving
- two major life events in the past 14 months : death of his father and birth of his daughter
What do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

jforthegirl said:


> I know that I shouldn't post this, but I just have to know what you guys think.
> 
> I'm not sure why I am torturing myself by trying to find a reason behind my husband's actions, but indulge me...based on the list of his actions below, would you say my stbxh is just a walk away spouse or having a midlife crisis?
> - after 23 years together, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, hasn't for the past 5 years
> ...


Dear JFor ~

Your post sounds EXACTLY as if I was writing it myself except the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Seriously, he is in a midlife crisis and I think you know that. And guess what? There is NOTHING you can do to snap him out of it.

My WH did the same thing and his father left his life as well only to Alzheimers ane moving out-of-state.

These men feel as if they have wasted their lives, they feel trapped, they feel time is running out, they want to unload responsibilites..........the list can go on ad nauseum.

Trust me and everyone else who told you this: 

He is living in Fantasyland with Tinkerbell. 

She will probably come to her senses before he does.

Give it 4 months....TOPS.

Be Strong !!!

VH


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Dear JFor ~
> 
> Your post sounds EXACTLY as if I was writing it myself except the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
> 
> ...


VH, I definitely think that he is in some kind of crisis. After his dad died, he sank into a deep depression and started IC, and said it was really helping, but then he just quit going. 
Then he started spending a lot of time online, late into the night. I often asked him about it, but he just b said he couldn't sleep. Then the weight loss started, I really should have seen all of the signs. 
If it is a mlc, I know that it can't be stopped. I guess that I just hope that some day, maybe years from now, he will come out of it and realize that it is not all my fault, he did this. 
I would never take him back, but I want him to realize the damage that he has done. How badly he has hurt me and forever altered our daughter's future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

jforthegirl said:


> VH, I definitely think that he is in some kind of crisis. After his dad died, he sank into a deep depression and started IC, and said it was really helping, but then he just quit going.
> Then he started spending a lot of time online, late into the night. I often asked him about it, but he just b said he couldn't sleep. Then the weight loss started, I really should have seen all of the signs.
> If it is a mlc, I know that it can't be stopped. I guess that I just hope that some day, maybe years from now, he will come out of it and realize that it is not all my fault, he did this.
> I would never take him back, but I want him to realize the damage that he has done. How badly he has hurt me and forever altered our daughter's future.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi ~
Just know that it will be a very long time before he will admit HIS role in this conundrum.
You have to sit back (I KNOW it is painful) and let him self-destruct.
Your focus is your daughter and yourself. That is enough for you to concentrate on.
Be Strong !!!!!
VH


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Hi ~
> Just know that it will be a very long time before he will admit HIS role in this conundrum.
> You have to sit back (I KNOW it is painful) and let him self-destruct.
> Your focus is your daughter and yourself. That is enough for you to concentrate on.
> ...


well, I've got nothing but time... no matter how ling it takes, I hope he ends up seeing the damage that he has done.
Thanks for your reply, VH, this week has been ridiculously hard. I went weeks without tears and this week I have cried every day. Seems like I am sliding backwards, not moving forward. 
I needed the reminder to stay focused on myself and my daughter, I've gotten a little lost this week
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Whether he has had a midlife crisis, or its depression or he just a wayward spouse. He made the choice in his life. He decided not to cope or deal with it. He ran away, he is hiding in an online world. You don’t want to believe us but he isn’t searching for a new love, he is only trying to avoid, not deal with things.

He may run away forever, once they get to this stage they really do seem to live moment to moment, his only care right now is what makes him feel good. You cant force him out of his current world. Your only fault if you want to blame yourself for something right now is you are in the real world, he doesn’t want to deal with the real world. 

It was his choice and his choice alone to leave for fantasylife and the online girl. Everyone of us does this, we blame ourselves, then look for answers, we look for reasons and motives so we can somehow justify it in our minds. The hardest thing is to put rational thought behind irrational actions. Some part of him does know how much he has hurt you, but again to acknowledge that he would have to take responsibility, real life stuff which he isn’t dealing with. The vicious circle…..

You will have steps back, again each and everyone of us does. Part of you still wants to repair your marriage even though you don’t want to believe it. It’s a rollercoaster than none of ever wanted to be on. Again focus on the legal stuff right now, get it moving forward. You don’t want to deep down, again none of us do but its damage control, it will help you


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

honcho said:


> Whether he has had a midlife crisis, or its depression or he just a wayward spouse. He made the choice in his life. He decided not to cope or deal with it. He ran away, he is hiding in an online world. You don’t want to believe us but he isn’t searching for a new love, he is only trying to avoid, not deal with things.
> 
> He may run away forever, once they get to this stage they really do seem to live moment to moment, his only care right now is what makes him feel good. You cant force him out of his current world. Your only fault if you want to blame yourself for something right now is you are in the real world, he doesn’t want to deal with the real world.
> 
> ...


Your words are so incredibly helpful to me today, honcho, thank you.
I really am trying to apply rational thinking to his irrational actions and it is impossible. It is just so hard to accept and just when I think I am making progress, I have a terrible day and feel like I am back at Day 1.
I'm definitely ready to get off this rollercoaster, worst ride ever.
I am trying to move forward with the legal side of things. Where I live, if you are self-filing, you have to take a class, I am awaiting the acknowledgment of my application for the class and the date/time assignment. Believe me, the legal stuff is the only thing in this entire situation that I have any control over and I am eager to get it started. I've been so out of control for two months, I feel like this may help me get my footing a bit.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Im a person who typically plans, schemes, figures out every angle and I am pretty good at it. I am rarely surprised….till my rollercoaster ride. You cant figure every angle for the irrational, it will drive you nuts. Just keep concentrating on what you can control, the legal stuff, your child and yourself. 

When you discuss things with him don’t read too much into what he says, try not to focus on his reasons for leaving and remember they fit a storyline for him, nothing more. You will have setback days, they will get less and less as time goes on. Start packing up his stuff, again its not pleasant and you wont be able to work on it for great lengths of time but it gives you control, your making decisions for you. Build on the little successes, learn from the setbacks. Its all we can do.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

honcho said:


> Im a person who typically plans, schemes, figures out every angle and I am pretty good at it. I am rarely surprised….till my rollercoaster ride. You cant figure every angle for the irrational, it will drive you nuts. Just keep concentrating on what you can control, the legal stuff, your child and yourself.
> 
> When you discuss things with him don’t read too much into what he says, try not to focus on his reasons for leaving and remember they fit a storyline for him, nothing more. You will have setback days, they will get less and less as time goes on. Start packing up his stuff, again its not pleasant and you wont be able to work on it for great lengths of time but it gives you control, your making decisions for you. Build on the little successes, learn from the setbacks. Its all we can do.


Another thing that is making this hard for me is that we have not really discussed any of this. When I found out about the ow, he was already planning on moving out that night. We had a huge fight about her and then he left. We haven't spoke of it since. Well, on xmas eve we got into a bit of a text war and I threw the EA in his face, but that was it. I feel like I never got to tell him how badly this hurt me, how angry and betrayed I feel and how disgusted I am that he carried on this affair in my house, under my nose, while I slept in our room with our young daughter. I want to scream and yell and make him feel ashamed for what he did and how he treated me.
ugh.
I know it wouldn't change anything, what's done is done. I just want him to know how I feel. I don't know why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's difficult to accept they don't care how we feel but they truly don't. You can't make him feel ashamed. He's moved on. You can tell him how you feel but he's going to dismiss it. That's how unrepentant cheaters are. They aren't worth the tears we shed.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Openminded said:


> It's difficult to accept they don't care how we feel but they truly don't. You can't make him feel ashamed. He's moved on. You can tell him how you feel but he's going to dismiss it. That's how unrepentant cheaters are. They aren't worth the tears we shed.


Yet, exposure does work.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Yet, exposure does work.


But I have no way to determine her true identity, I have tried, but I can't find out who she is.
I would love nothing more than to contact her husband, but I can't find out who she is. To spend any more time trying to determine her identity is too painful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

*... his married cyber girlfriend*

I am FB friends with hot young women. But that's it we don't know each other in reality.


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## Sa55ycla55y (Dec 10, 2013)

You don't want to know who she is. You will just compare her to you and pick yourself apart. Trust me. You will compare every flaw you think you have and start convincing yourself she is better when its not true. Honestly if she thought your husband was so great she would have left hers for yours. Obviously she is getting him to fill an emotional void her man is not. Your man thought he was more important than he really was. My husband did the same thing and I just found out the woman he was talking to got a new boyfriend. I said to him oh so all the crap she filled your head with she didn't believe or think you were good enough for yourself huh? Sucks to be you because you don't have me, her, or anyone now. Sometimes Karma works in our favor.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Sa55ycla55y said:


> You don't want to know who she is. You will just compare her to you and pick yourself apart. Trust me. You will compare every flaw you think you have and start convincing yourself she is better when its not true. Honestly if she thought your husband was so great she would have left hers for yours. Obviously she is getting him to fill an emotional void her man is not. Your man thought he was more important than he really was. My husband did the same thing and I just found out the woman he was talking to got a new boyfriend. I said to him oh so all the crap she filled your head with she didn't believe or think you were good enough for yourself huh? Sucks to be you because you don't have me, her, or anyone now. Sometimes Karma works in our favor.


Yeah, I've already seen her picture, VERY young and cute, of course. Her stupid face haunts me.
But, I am not like her, and I am proud of that. She is a mom with a young son and she is betraying her family for a cheap thrill with a married man, also with a young child. I'm not sure how either of them can look in the mirror. They are the lowest of the low, they are home wreckers and I question their ability to be moral role models for their kids. It is very unfortunate that one of them is the father of my child.
So, although i would love to reveal their affair to her husband, I have no way to find out her real last name, so I am done looking. I hope that I am as lucky as you were and that karma also works in my favor on this one....


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I, too, am going through a similar situation. He's seeing a married, soon to be divorced woman, with a severely handicapped son that he went to high school with. Also, going out and partying at the bars. He's 40 years old and looks like a huge joke right now. I know that it isn't going to work being that one of the reason he left me was because I didn't worship him and put him on a pedestal. I work two jobs and go to school but NEVER withheld my love for him. I try to rationalize reasons as well but at the end of the day I know what I need to do. I need to focus on myself, take care of myself, and listen to my counselor. Running from one woman to the next during a divorce will get you no where in the end. Just remember that by focusing on yourself at this time you will come out a much better and happier person than he will ever be. In the future, if/when you decide to begin a relationship it will be healthy, happy, and functional.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

He wont discuss any of it with you because again it bringing his “ideal fantasyworld” into the real world. He doesn’t want to tarnish the fantasyland. That is why is to just about impossible to fight it. Its always a good time, no one has worked a 12 hour shift and feel terrible and the child is crying at two in the morning, things like that. You know the annoying real world stuff that the rest of us have to deal with.

He also doesn’t want to discuss and give you too many details because if you know too much it makes it that much harder to try and come back. Its much easier for him to lie trying to get back into your life than you knowing everything and he has to grovel that much harder. He isn’t at the point of writing you completely off yet so he does want to leave some small door open. The plan B. He hasn’t written you off completely for all his unhappiness and grand statements. 

Don’t take too much stock into the picture you have seen of her. He probably hasn’t seen her for real either, again the fun of the internet world. Have you ever tried to contact the girl thru the email address you have? Since her and your hubby are having fun in fantasyland you might as well have some with them and create a little drama in there world. She has no idea how much or how little you know.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

honcho said:


> He wont discuss any of it with you because again it bringing his “ideal fantasyworld” into the real world. He doesn’t want to tarnish the fantasyland. That is why is to just about impossible to fight it. Its always a good time, no one has worked a 12 hour shift and feel terrible and the child is crying at two in the morning, things like that. You know the annoying real world stuff that the rest of us have to deal with.
> 
> He also doesn’t want to discuss and give you too many details because if you know too much it makes it that much harder to try and come back. Its much easier for him to lie trying to get back into your life than you knowing everything and he has to grovel that much harder. He isn’t at the point of writing you completely off yet so he does want to leave some small door open. The plan B. He hasn’t written you off completely for all his unhappiness and grand statements.
> 
> Don’t take too much stock into the picture you have seen of her. He probably hasn’t seen her for real either, again the fun of the internet world. Have you ever tried to contact the girl thru the email address you have? Since her and your hubby are having fun in fantasyland you might as well have some with them and create a little drama in there world. She has no idea how much or how little you know.


I do have one of her email addresses, but I believe that she has stopped using it and created a new one. I'm not sure if you've seen my other posts, but they are both internet trolls, so they have various email accounts because they get banned from certain websites and then have to create new logins for these sites (ie CNN, other news sites). They are both a part of "troll" chat room on disqus, where they met.
Anyway, I have an email address that she doesn't use, but I know I can find her on Google+, so I could email her there. But. ..I'm not sure what the point would be. She knows that I found out about them, but not sure if she knows that I know she is married. I started to write her a couple of emails, but really just did not know what to say. I mean, I'm in my 40s, and I kind of want to act my age, take this hit with a little grace, you know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I think if you were to email anyone it should be her husband other than that don't waste your time on that thing.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

ICLH said:


> I think if you were to email anyone it should be her husband other than that don't waste your time on that thing.


I agree, if I could find him, I would definitely contact him to let him know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I understand about contacting the OW. I would have sent an email just to be annoying I guess. Bring a little real world into fantasyland, just say something like her husband seemed nice. Something to create a little paranoia in her head. But that’s me. I could never figure out the whole internet troll, chatroom obsession. Course I cant figure out why the world loves facebook either. 

I do understand what you said by taking the hit with grace, really I do. It a rare quality


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I thought about shooting the OW an email, as I know how to contact her, just to disrupt their fantasyland but being that she is floating in the same boat as he I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of even knowing I had THOUGHT about the two of them together. They have no morals. They'd probably spend the evening bashing me so I decided to keep it all to myself.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

ICLH said:


> I thought about shooting the OW an email, as I know how to contact her, just to disrupt their fantasyland but being that she is floating in the same boat as he I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of even knowing I had THOUGHT about the two of them together. They have no morals. They'd probably spend the evening bashing me so I decided to keep it all to myself.


Yeah, better to take the high road on that one. 
And you're right, best not to let them know that you've even thought about them. Let them live in their pathetic little fantasy while the rest of us deal with reality like adults.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

That's what it is - we are dealing with reality like adults. A lot of us here can at least find some satisfaction in that. What's unfortunate about my situation is I truly feel my STBXH will not realize the severity of his actions/mistakes until he grows up - 20 years from now - and he's 40.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

My IC calls it" going to an empty well". We have all been hoping for years probably, that our exes would give us something hey just don't have to give. I still find myself missing him, I enjoy events with my sons and think how sad that he is not sharing it with us. I am unpartenered in a world that knew me for 28 years with a partner, but I am making progress. I slip up sometimes, like all of you, contact him, just to kep me in his mind, I always regret it. So many things led up to this point, on both of our sides, but he didn't take responsibility for even one thing. His story is all about me. Don't become a victim.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

jforthegirl said:


> I do have one of her email addresses, but I believe that she has stopped using it and created a new one. I'm not sure if you've seen my other posts, but they are both internet trolls, so they have various email accounts because they get banned from certain websites and then have to create new logins for these sites (ie CNN, other news sites). They are both a part of "troll" chat room on disqus, where they met.
> Anyway, I have an email address that she doesn't use, but I know I can find her on Google+, so I could email her there. But. ..I'm not sure what the point would be. She knows that I found out about them, but not sure if she knows that I know she is married. I started to write her a couple of emails, but really just did not know what to say. I mean, I'm in my 40s, and I kind of want to act my age, take this hit with a little grace, you know?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


J,

Sounds like one of those people that tries to do marathon online sessions and gives themselves a heart atack. They usually are found half eaten by the family dog with a coke bottle in the area full of pee.

You sound like a pretty special person that deserves better than this. Make sure you are the beneficiary on any life insurance policies, he is on the path to decompose.

,
Stretch


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

I don't think my STBXH will ever take responsibility for his actions, but that is on him. I know that my prospects for a happy future so outweigh his, as he will never deal with his emotional problems and therefore will carry them into any new relationship. He went back to a previous girlfriend shortly after we split and she broke up with him in an email. LMAO. His friend told me that she got tired of his sh!t.

Someone told me "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." Once I came to that realization, things got easier. We all want them to recognize and validate our pain, but that is never going to happen, if they were capable of that we probably would not be here getting divorced.

As hard as it is at times to take the high road, what I tell myself is that I am the one who has to look myself in the mirror and I am not going to tarnish the view because of him. 

Stay strong and look forward to a brighter future for you and your children.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Do any of you ever feel like you are just making excuses and buying into these explanations for their behavior? I've read so much about midlife crisis and the affair fog that I can't decide if this really applies to my marriage, or if I am just searching for signs that make this fit into those categories. Maybe he just really doesn't love me because I was a lousy life partner and he is just moving on. There will be no clearing of the fog, no midlife crisis "tunnel" to come out of. He is just done with me, his feelings changed and he left.
I'm not sure why it matters... well, yes I do. I think that I want to hope, again, that he someday looks back and regrets what he has done. I am afraid that he will never look back and always believe that this was all my fault and that is just not true.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Based on the posts I see on TAM, I think most WS have regret. It would be hard not to have those thoughts or feelings.

In contrast, hoping for some sort of apology or provide understanding, this seems to be an unfulfilled desire more than not.

Forgive yourself for whatever you think you could have done differently, go so far to forgive the WS at some point but don't hold your breath hoping for an actual come to Jesus communication.

I think they must hold back due to shame and guilt.

Stretch


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Stretch said:


> Based on the posts I see on TAM, I think most WS have regret. It would be hard not to have those thoughts or feelings.
> 
> In contrast, hoping for some sort of apology or provide understanding, this seems to be an unfulfilled desire more than not.
> 
> ...


Stretch: PERFECT !!!!!!!!! VH


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Based on the posts I see on TAM, I think most WS have regret. It would be hard not to have those thoughts or feelings.
> 
> In contrast, hoping for some sort of apology or provide understanding, this seems to be an unfulfilled desire more than not.
> 
> ...


Oh, I just wish I knew how this was all going to play out. The waiting for the passage of time is excruciating.
I see him every day because he cares for our daughter while I am at work and it kills me to just keep my mouth shut about everything when I just want to scream at him. But, I bite my tongue and try my best to be civil. I am trying to do the 180, but I fail miserably on the "Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back" and the "Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent." parts of it. I really struggle with looking at him in the face and being cheerful seems like it is impossible.
I made a promise to myself to try and do better this week. Of course it led to us texting back and forth about our daughter. And it was a cheerful exchange, but then I could feel myself getting excited to see his next text, so I stopped. Argh, it is all so confusing to me still. I can't separate my feelings for him as the father of my child and my feelings for him as my (stbx)husband. 
Anyway, he seems totally fine, not hurt or depressed, and always willing to be pleasant to me. Which I don't understand completely, if I am this terrible person who ruined our 20 year relationship, why are you so nice to me?
Feeling guilty?
Bleh.
Thanks for listening TAMers!!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Yes we make excuses and try to somehow justify their behavior and we do it for a period of time. Some part of you still wants to protect him, you don’t want to see them for who they are today but rather the person they used to be. 

This does get better as time passes, your acceptance of the situation…the detachment we all do slowly. Most WS look for the easy way out, they don’t want to do the hard work needed for success. Remember at any point in time other the years he had more than enough opportunity to express his feelings, wants and desires. He chose to run rather than face any “work” 

If it is affair fog, midlife crisis whatever category you want to fit it into it doesn’t matter because he made a choice in life to abandon the marriage. Will he have regret, shame and guilt at some point yes he will. Does he have enough character to actually admit this, no because he didn’t have enough character to not get into the very situation to begin with. He will have regret, you must not. You tried in your marriage the best you could based on your life experiences. 

One of your biggest problems is you see him everyday. I know he takes care of your child during the day but how long realistically is that going to continue? If he is seeing her almost everyday, why do the two of you need to be texting? Does he always care for her at your place or do you take her to his?


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

honcho said:


> Yes we make excuses and try to somehow justify their behavior and we do it for a period of time. Some part of you still wants to protect him, you don’t want to see them for who they are today but rather the person they used to be.
> 
> This does get better as time passes, your acceptance of the situation…the detachment we all do slowly. Most WS look for the easy way out, they don’t want to do the hard work needed for success. Remember at any point in time other the years he had more than enough opportunity to express his feelings, wants and desires. He chose to run rather than face any “work”
> 
> ...


I know that you are right, that I am seeing him for who he used to be, not who he is now. I just don't know how to stop my brain from this old habit, I really want to. It seems like there is very little about this experience that I can force to happen, it all just has to happen at it's own pace.

I do hope that he ends up regretting this, even if he doesn't admit it to me. I just want him to experience a little bit of this pain, no amount of regret will ever compare to what I am going through now, but still any pain would be satisfying for me. 

I know that seeing him every day is prolonging the healing process, but there is no other option for me. He will be taking care of her at least for the next year, we didn't want to put her in daycare before she is 2, nor can we afford to. Today we were texting becasue he needs to give me $ for his last month on my cell phone bill and then I also told him about some developmental milestones that she had accomplished in the last 4 days when he did not see her. We usually communicate this kind of information in a log that we keep, but we were texting about the bill and I mentioned it to him because I forgot to write it in the log. He always comes to my place to care for her. When he moved out last month, he moved into a sketchy area (someone was shot and killed two blocks from his apratment on NYE) into a crappy little apartment where he has limited furniture and furnishings. Definitley not a homey environment for her to be in. So, I'm stuck having him come to my place Monday - Friday. It really sucks, seeing him every day. But, for her, I'll endure anything.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

I used to analyze every text/email. If it was cheerful, I would immediately think he is sorry, if it was nasty or one word, I would feel like he was avoiding me. I was always trying to see if there was any remorse, guilt or underlying apologies in the communications. 

I was expecting to hear "I am so sorry I did this to you and our family. I was a complete idiot and hurt you and DD. I would like to ask for forgiveness. I don't want you to hate me. It was so selfish and I am truly sorry for all the pain I caused".

Instead I would get "You are insane. Accidents happen" or some things on the line of this type of communication.

I finally am to the point where it is tolerable to communicate flatlined. No expression, just the facts.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Hang in there, keep up the 180. That is how you break your old mental habits. It takes discipline and patience. You are taking control with the filing. 

Some day, you won't worry about whether he has regrets or not.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I wish I had some ideas on how the handle the kid situation, I never had kids so Im oblivious to any good way to do that. Its definitely going to prolong your agony about what is going on. It also makes the world easy for him since he has the creature comforts of home with your daughter, yet gets to leave and play in fantasyworld all night and weekend. Seems too easy for him. 

Sooner or later you will start to resent him being in your home like this, your privacy will feel invaded, its is part of the process you will go thru.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

honcho said:


> I wish I had some ideas on how the handle the kid situation, I never had kids so Im oblivious to any good way to do that. Its definitely going to prolong your agony about what is going on. It also makes the world easy for him since he has the creature comforts of home with your daughter, yet gets to leave and play in fantasyworld all night and weekend. Seems too easy for him.
> 
> Sooner or later you will start to resent him being in your home like this, your privacy will feel invaded, its is part of the process you will go thru.


Oh, I already resent it and feel like he is invading my privacy. I also don't trust him. I wouldn't put it past him to have people that I don't know in my home. But, I don't have any evidence of that, so I cannot act on it. And it does make it very easy on him, he comes in like he is this great dad, takes care of her all day and then off he goes to party and live the single life. And then his weekends are all his. It kinda makes me ill.
But... the flip side of that is that I get her all to myself nights and all weekend. And raising my daughter and being a mom is the most important thing in my life, even before this happened. So, I feel like I get the better end of that deal...


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> And raising my daughter and being a mom is the most important thing in my life, even before this happened. So, I feel like I get the better end of that deal...


IDK your whole story. Forgive me for asking, but did you and H marry and then have D? What it after having D that H went all rogue? If so, how long after? I'm just trying to learn. Thanks.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Pictureless said:


> IDK your whole story. Forgive me for asking, but did you and H marry and then have D? What it after having D that H went all rogue? If so, how long after? I'm just trying to learn. Thanks.


Hi,
We married while I was pregnant with D, but were together for 21 years before that. While I was pregnant, his father was diagnosed with and then died from (within 3 months) lung cancer. Our D was to be his first grandchild and he was uncharacteristically excited to be a grandpa. As I said, he died when I was pregnant and 4 weeks later, our D was born.
My H struggled with his father's death. The one year anniversary of his death was 9/30/13. On 10/15/13, my H started the EA.
I didn't find out about the EA until 12/7/13.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want to make sense of it and unfortunately that is never truly possible. We think we know them but we really don't. Only they know what really goes on with them and they aren't going to share that with us. 

So practice detaching. Work very, very hard at it. After my divorce I was able to stop obsessing about why my husband cheated and I could finally forgive him and be friends with him. I am very grateful for that. But understand why it happened? No. Only he knows that. And now that's okay with me. I don't actually need to know. It's in the past. 

You can do that too.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Openminded said:


> You want to make sense of it and unfortunately that is never truly possible. We think we know them but we really don't. Only they know what really goes on with them and they aren't going to share that with us.
> 
> So practice detaching. Work very, very hard at it. After my divorce I was able to stop obsessing about why my husband cheated and I could finally forgive him and be friends with him. I am very grateful for that. But understand why it happened? No. Only he knows that. And now that's okay with me. I don't actually need to know. It's in the past.
> 
> You can do that too.


How do I detach from him? I'm really struggling with that and I agree with you that I need to accomplish this. 
Any suggestions or tricks?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

jforthegirl said:


> How do I detach from him? I'm really struggling with that and I agree with you that I need to accomplish this.
> Any suggestions or tricks?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I filled my schedule with as much stuff as I could handle and then added a couple more things.

Interacting with people was so important for me to let go.

I got more involved with my church, volunteered at a food pantry, started going to street festivals and visited with friends.

It seems simple but the more you are doing the more it keeps your mind on you and your D and keeps you moving towards your new life.

You are stronger than you know,
Stretch


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Thanks Stretch, I am trying to keep busy, but sometimes even then, I can't get my mind off of him. Today is another very trying day, not sure why. I saw him this morning, just like every morning, didn't talk to him, just waved as I left. I've had this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, but I don't know why. There is nothing in particular about him that is on my mind. It's kind of making me crazy. 
I had a hard time sleeping last night, got stuck thinking about him and the OW, maybe that just screwed me up for the entire day. 
Blargh, so frustrated. ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> How do I detach from him? I'm really struggling with that and I agree with you that I need to accomplish this.
> Any suggestions or tricks?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What I did after my ex-husband moved out to be with another woman, who was not his affair partner, was say to myself, loudly, ME! ME! ME! whenever unpleasant thoughts began creeping in. It took the focus off him and what he had done and put the focus back on me and what I was going to do. And I made lots of lists. For everything. It helped me feel "done".


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Openminded said:


> What I did after my ex-husband moved out to be with another woman, who was not his affair partner, was say to myself, loudly, ME! ME! ME! whenever unpleasant thoughts began creeping in. It took the focus off him and what he had done and put the focus back on me and what I was going to do. And I made lots of lists. For everything. It helped me feel "done".


Thanks OM, I'll try this. I've been writing in a journal a lot, but so far I don't think it's helping that much. Maybe I'll try making lists of things that I didn't like about him, things he did that hurt me, all of the lies. ..I guess there are a lot of lists to be made to remind me why this split is a good thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

jforthegirl said:


> Thanks OM, I'll try this. I've been writing in a journal a lot, but so far I don't think it's helping that much. Maybe I'll try making lists of things that I didn't like about him, things he did that hurt me, all of the lies. ..I guess there are a lot of lists to be made to remind me why this split is a good thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



About the journal--I did that and wasn't sure it was helping. I wondered if it made me dwell and spend even more time obsessing. But when I looked back at it a month later and read what I had written, not only did I realize what an ice cube he is, but I felt tremendous sympathy for the tormented person who wrote it. It was truly heartbreaking. So down the road, writing down my feelings helped me to stop blaming myself and criticizing myself constantly.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can't always believe what another person tells you, especially someone who needs to be right/hurtful/superior/whatever.

Honestly, I really question how well someone is doing who needs to go out of their way to tell their former partner how terrific they are without them. They can't be doing very well, honestly, if their happiness and well being was based on the presence or absence of another person, it can't be very deep and is probably just on account of how he is "feeling" about having "won" a different woman. Immature guy/gal kind of thing if you ask me. 

Truth is, everyone has ups and downs. If you're really having a good spell, it would never even occur to you rub it in someone else's face, you'd be more considerate and gentle.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

not recognizable said:


> About the journal--I did that and wasn't sure it was helping. I wondered if it made me dwell and spend even more time obsessing. But when I looked back at it a month later and read what I had written, not only did I realize what an ice cube he is, but I felt tremendous sympathy for the tormented person who wrote it. It was truly heartbreaking. So down the road, writing down my feelings helped me to stop blaming myself and criticizing myself constantly.


This is EXACTLY how I have been feeling about the journal - like it was making me obsess about things more. I have not yet gone back to read previous entries, I was scared that they are still to fresh in my mind... but maybe I should. Thanks for the response.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Truth is, everyone has ups and downs. If you're really having a good spell, it would never even occur to you rub it in someone else's face, you'd be more considerate and gentle.


This is a good point. I don't know how he is doing, he looks good because he lost a lot of weight (apparently all the incentive he needed to lose weight was a young girlfriend) but he also looks a little stressed or depressed or something. But that might be because has to see me every day and I doubt that he likes it much more than I do. I'm to blame for all that is wrong with his life, so he probably hates to see me every day.
Anyway, I don't know if he is doing "great" or not, I'm just doing my best not to care....


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

So you mentioned that you are staying busy.

What have you been doing lately? Anything fun?

I have wanted to try yoga for about 6-9 months but I keep letting my laziness win out.

Was there anything that you have tried that turned out better than you expected or not as good?

Have you ever tried the creepy supermarket trick I have suggested on TAM?

Stretch


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Stretch said:


> So you mentioned that you are staying busy.
> 
> What have you been doing lately? Anything fun?
> 
> ...


Haha! I haven't tried the creepy supermarket trick...yet. I feel like my self esteem is still too low to try it, but some day I will.

I started swim lessons with my little girl last night and that was fun. It's twice a week, so that occupies my time a bit.
I actually got a gift card for a yoga studio for xmas, but haven't used it yet. Still trying to figure out scheduling. You should definitely give it a try, it is so good for taking time out and concentrating on just you. I'm looking forward to getting into it again.
I'm still trying to find other things to keep me busy. It is hard when I sometimes just don't want yo do anything or see anyone, but I'm trying...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Oh for Pete's sake, back to denial today? Really?
Two months later and I still can't believe that this is happening to me? I thought I was done with denial. But, I had a few moments to day where I got the punch in the gut when I thought about how he puts her feelings ahead of mine. Actually, he doesn't even consider my feelings at all anymore. How could I be such a fool? I was so sure that he would always be there, always love me. That was a very stupid thing to believe.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> Oh for Pete's sake, back to denial today? Really?
> Two months later and I still can't believe that this is happening to me? I thought I was done with denial. But, I had a few moments to day where I got the punch in the gut when I thought about how he puts her feelings ahead of mine. Actually, he doesn't even consider my feelings at all anymore. How could I be such a fool? I was so sure that he would always be there, always love me. That was a very stupid thing to believe.


Yep. I can relate to your last couple of sentences. I was just talking to a friend about that today. Getting married was the happiest day of my life. I felt so secure and content knowing that someone made a commitment to me that was supposed to be through thick and thin. Boy, was I wrong. When he told me he wanted a divorce and wanted me to move out of the home I was reluctant. I wanted to work on things and I told him that. He said, "This is what you get for thinking you can rely on someone for the rest of your life." Talk about a gut punch.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

ICLH said:


> Yep. I can relate to your last couple of sentences. I was just talking to a friend about that today. Getting married was the happiest day of my life. I felt so secure and content knowing that someone made a commitment to me that was supposed to be through thick and thin. Boy, was I wrong. When he told me he wanted a divorce and wanted me to move out of the home I was reluctant. I wanted to work on things and I told him that. He said, "This is what you get for thinking you can rely on someone for the rest of your life." Talk about a gut punch.


Wow, that really is harsh. 
Where are things with the two of you now? How long ago did he leave?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

No contact between the two of us. He blindsided me with the divorce. I was working two jobs and go to school full-time. While I was on my way to work one morning he told me he wanted a divorce. I had no time to talk. Came home and received some very CRAZY reasons for why he wanted the divorce such as I can't perform simple tasks and cause him great stress and anxiety. I was so confused and told him that I wasn't moving out of the home because I had goals and plans and a schedule to stick to so for a month I stayed in the other room with hopes he was bluffing about the divorce business. During this month he started leaving the house late and night and returning in the early morning. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (also my birthday) he disappeared along with the condoms in our bathroom. I got a hold of his phone one day and confirmed he started seeing someone while I was still in the home. I left the house for a couple days to return home only to find my stuff bagged, packed, and stacked in the garage. I moved out officially on December 30th - a little over a week ago. I've gone none contact and he hasn't tried contacting me. As far as the divorce goes - he wanted it I think he should go through the hassle of filing. I haven't been served. If I don't receive anything within the next month I am going to file. I just haven't had time to deal with the paperwork. He was very cold about it all - VERY COLD.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

In the text to the other woman he is always proclaiming how "fabulous" his life is and how they need to go out and "live life" together by taking part in sex with a third/fourth party, etc. I could not believe what I was reading. Makes me ill. She had no idea at the time I was living at the house still and the divorce paperwork wasn't even closed to being filed. He did mention to her he was going through a very reasonable divorce. LOL. My god.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

ICLH said:


> In the text to the other woman he is always proclaiming how "fabulous" his life is and how they need to go out and "live life" together by taking part in sex with a third/fourth party, etc. I could not believe what I was reading. Makes me ill. She had no idea at the time I was living at the house still and the divorce paperwork wasn't even closed to being filed. He did mention to her he was going through a very reasonable divorce. LOL. My god.


Ugh, the OW always causes the craziest behavior. My stbxh has an EA going on (at least, he probably is also seeing women that live here now too) and it's like he's been replaced by an alien. I just don't even know him anymore and he seems to have no regard for me at all. It is still so hard to accept. I wish I could go completely NC, but I can't. So, every day, I just keep telling myself that this was his choice. And although we had issues and I need to take responsibility for my role in the marriage falling apart, he did this. He left, he gave up, he had the affair. I just have to pick up the pieces and move forward.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

It is VERY hard to accept. I don't even know where to begin. I just rely on TIME and I work on myself. I was a good wife. There isn't much I could have done to prevent this. He has character flaws that he is unwilling to recognize or acknowledge that I can't allow in our relationship. Of course he blames the failure of our marriage on me. I didn't worship or praise him enough was one of his reasons. He said he was going to teach me a lesson so that next time I get with a man and I'm doing something that irritates him I will think about why I got divorced and stop my behavior the first time around. It's just hard to wrap my head around his logic. I was too busy to do anything irritating at the time he decided he wanted a divorce. Anyway, just venting. He is someone I don't know anymore and don't want to know.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

jforthegirl - Try something different with your journaling. Try starting a happiness journal. Write down the happiest moment of your day. I know right now it is hard to find anything resembling happiness but if you start this journal you will find yourself looking for things to make your smile rather than dwelling on things that make you sad. Some days the best I can come up with is that the sun was shining, but it makes me think differently.

Hang in there, you will get through this and it will be better on the backside if you let it. It is good to look at what you could have done better in the relationship but you cannot take all the blame. It takes two.

Good luck.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

littlejaz said:


> jforthegirl - Try something different with your journaling. Try starting a happiness journal. Write down the happiest moment of your day. I know right now it is hard to find anything resembling happiness but if you start this journal you will find yourself looking for things to make your smile rather than dwelling on things that make you sad. Some days the best I can come up with is that the sun was shining, but it makes me think differently.
> 
> Hang in there, you will get through this and it will be better on the backside if you let it. It is good to look at what you could have done better in the relationship but you cannot take all the blame. It takes two.
> 
> Good luck.


thanks for the suggestion, I'll give it a try. I'm having another day where I have this empty feeling in my gut that won't go away. 
I know that everyone keeps telling me I'll make it through this, but I'm just not feeling confident that I will. I feel like this pain might last forever and he's already over it. When I saw him this morning, once again, he looked like he was doing just great. 
And I'm just going crazy obsessing about what he might be doing our who he might be dating or sleeping with. Ugh, I just want to detach and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Here's a question for those of you who have been through this. .. is there any way to prepare yourself for the day that you find out they have a new love interest?
I mean, how do you cope?
My stbxh is involved in a long distance EA, but I know that the next thing he will move on to is a new gf here. I'm trying to brace myself for this, but I'm not ready, I know I'm not. ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jforthegirl said:


> Here's a question for those of you who have been through this. .. *is there any way to prepare yourself for the day that you find out they have a new love interest?*
> I mean, how do you cope?


Assume they do right now. Assume the worst and imagine it's real.

I kept wondering if my ex was with someone new and one day woke up and thought ya know what, I am going to assume he IS with someone else an dhow does that make me feel? It made me feel bad but once I accepted it, much better to cope w/ things.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Assume they do right now. Assume the worst and imagine it's real.
> 
> I kept wondering if my ex was with someone new and one day woke up and thought ya know what, I am going to assume he IS with someone else an dhow does that make me feel? It made me feel bad but once I accepted it, much better to cope w/ things.


I think that I am already trying to do this, but my heart is fighting it. I feel like I need confirmation so that I can move forward, but I'm also scared to find out for sure. 
I want to ask him, so I don't hear it from someone else, but I don't want to ask him....
This sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

No guarantee but it happens here a lot. They awake from the fog (usually when they get dumped) and come running back.

I hope at that point in time you are able to make a decision from a position of strength, knowing that you can make it on your own and have the courage to walk away if that is what you want.

Pessimistically, I just do not have any confidence that these folks will not hurt us again.

Hope you heal a little bit each day,
Stretch


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Stretch said:


> No guarantee but it happens here a lot. They awake from the fog (usually when they get dumped) and come running back.
> 
> I hope at that point in time you are able to make a decision from a position of strength, knowing that you can make it on your own and have the courage to walk away if that is what you want.
> 
> ...


Oh, I don't think he will be coming back, his love for me long ago evaporated, according to him. 
On the off chance that he does come back, I will be strong and tell him there's nothing for him to come back to....

I also hope that I am healing a little bit each day, it doesn't feel like I am. 
Today marks 2 months since he told me he didn't love me and was leaving. It seems like it's been an eternity...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

It happened to me already, I am usually posting in the Life After D side. Not only that, he moved in with her after about 9 months of dating. You know what, it actually has helped me. As hard as it was to learn of the move and to imagine him with her, it made me realize the truth. He is not coming back to me, she can have him! While I was married, the truth is, he didn't work very hard to be a good partner to me. I was always (well right up until I couldn't do it anymore after 25 year!), doing what he wanted. Be honest with yourself, what you are really missing is what you hoped would be, a kind, loving, partnership with someone, with whom you shared family, history, good times and bad, and would be your companion until the end. That is what I am grieving, the loss of what could have been. I am sorry for my kids, they have a sad new reality to adjust to, my exH is off, apparently happy and just expects everyone to fall in line. Well, we trained him that way! Keep moving forward, don't look back except to find the good memories, and to learn for a better future.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

stillhoping said:


> It happened to me already, I am usually posting in the Life After D side. Not only that, he moved in with her after about 9 months of dating. You know what, it actually has helped me. As hard as it was to learn of the move and to imagine him with her, it made me realize the truth. He is not coming back to me, she can have him! While I was married, the truth is, he didn't work very hard to be a good partner to me. I was always (well right up until I couldn't do it anymore after 25 year!), doing what he wanted. Be honest with yourself, what you are really missing is what you hoped would be, a kind, loving, partnership with someone, with whom you shared family, history, good times and bad, and would be your companion until the end. That is what I am grieving, the loss of what could have been. I am sorry for my kids, they have a sad new reality to adjust to, my exH is off, apparently happy and just expects everyone to fall in line. Well, we trained him that way! Keep moving forward, don't look back except to find the good memories, and to learn for a better future.


Yeah, I keep reminding myself that he is no longer the man I knew, the man that I loved. He is like a stranger now and what I miss about him and us, can never be again. It is gone, altered forever. The future that I once saw for us is never going to be. 
I keep telling myself these things, but now I just need to get to a point where I accept it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Before I found out about the EAs, IronEx told me she wanted to be with someone else in the future. That hurt, kept picturing her with sophisticated, good looking rich guys.
Then I found who she was actually with. I was like, really? She traded down. That kinda killed all of my illusions about her for good.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

IronWine29 said:


> Before I found out about the EAs, IronEx told me she wanted to be with someone else in the future. That hurt, kept picturing her with sophisticated, good looking rich guys.
> Then I found who she was actually with. I was like, really? She traded down. That kinda killed all of my illusions about her for good.


My stbxh EA is WAY younger than me, very cute, so an upgrade in that way. But, she is also married with a baby, so she is a cheater, a liar, and a home wrecker - so a major downgrade there, in my opinion.

I am proud to say, that although I may have a fewwrinkles, I'm none of those other things, and proud of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Well, you deserved better than that. Don't you feel angry at him?


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

IronWine29 said:


> Well, you deserved better than that. Don't you feel angry at him?


I do feel angry, sometimes I feel like I hate him and what he has done to me, to our family. 
But the anger, so far, does not overpower the pai n and sadness that I feel.
I wish I was more angry and less sad 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I believe the one who runs will hit this wall someday, be right here where we are, regretting what they did


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

stillhoping said:


> I believe the one who runs will hit this wall someday, be right here where we are, regretting what they did


And I hope that you are right, it only seems fair that they should experience some of what they dealt out so carelessly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

J,

As long as you keep focusing on him, you will never heal. Your posts are all about him.

We know he is an a$$hole. We know all the things that are going to happen.

I only care about you. What are you doing? What social things are you doing? 

Tell me about something your daughter did that made you smile. Guess who got to experience that and guess who missed it.

You, you, you, damn it!

Stretch


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Stretch said:


> J,
> 
> As long as you keep focusing on him, you will never heal. Your posts are all about him.
> 
> ...


GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!?
You are so right. Why do I continue to sink into this hole of despair??
I took my daughter to her second swim class last night. 
I am taking her to two parties with friends this weekend. 
I'm taking her to her first gymnastics class this weekend. 
He won't be there for any of it.
I will!
And I will have fun with my beautiful little girl!

Thanks the reminder. ...I needed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Another ridiculously tough day, the tears won't stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

It's ok to cry. Let it all out. It helps let go.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry you are struggling.

How were the kid's parties this weekend.

What about the gymnastics class?

Your D must have had a blast?

Stretch


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Sorry you are struggling.
> 
> How were the kid's parties this weekend.
> 
> ...


The parties were pretty fun. At one, there were a few people that I had not seen since the split, so that was a little hard. It's hard to be places that we once would have been at together. 

But, although I had an absolutely terrible day yesterday, I think I may have had a breakthrough of sorts... I think I finally understand how he sees me now, without any love, just as his ex that he doesn't cars about anymore. I'm not sure what made me realize, but I think it might have helped to get there. He really just doesn't have v any feelings for me anymore. It's strange, as I type and think about those words right now, it doesn't hurt as badly as it would have last week. 
Is this finally progress!?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> I think I finally understand how he sees me now, without any love, just as his ex that he doesn't cars about anymore. I'm not sure what made me realize, but I think it might have helped to get there. He really just doesn't have v any feelings for me anymore. It's strange, as I type and think about those words right now, it doesn't hurt as badly as it would have last week.
> Is this finally progress!?!?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like progress to me.

It's tough processing this about your spouse. One minute everything seemed fine, the next you're no longer partners. Not friends, not lovers, nothing. It's very unsettling. It seems so cold and it is. Don't bother asking why because in the end it doesn't matter. 

It helps me knowing that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't have done my spouse the way she did me. There is a right way to end a relationship and she didn't do it. It's the height of cruelty and selfishness to drag the other person down when leaving. They have to damage others in order to justify their own rotten behavior.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Pictureless said:


> Sounds like progress to me.
> 
> It's tough processing this about your spouse. One minute everything seemed fine, the next you're no longer partners. Not friends, not lovers, nothing. It's very unsettling. It seems so cold and it is. Don't bother asking why because in the end it doesn't matter.
> 
> It helps me knowing that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't have done my spouse the way she did me. There is a right way to end a relationship and she didn't do it. It's the height of cruelty and selfishness to drag the other person down when leaving. They have to damage others in order to justify their own rotten behavior.


I agree with all of this, it is really hard to accept and process, and I'll never know why and it wouldn't matter anyway. 

And if the roles were reversed, I, just like you, would have found a more respectful way to end it. 
It is just insane that he did this, and in this way. 
But, onward and upward, I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Yes it is progress... Although it hurts like hell!

Each new development or realization is you moving forward and accepting the here and now. I had a tough time at every hurdle. It seemed I had a very hard time dealing with the reality that was happening and each stage anger, denial, depression, acceptance and letting go took a toll on me. I am now trying to forgive which is easier said than done. I think this will happen sometime later after the divorce and the nastiness and blame subsides.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

I am also struggling with getting through the stages. I feel like I might be stuck in the first one, denial!
It just seems like time is passing so slowly and any progress that I am making is so miniscule, I can hardly tell...


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

When we we divorce it will help me move on. We're filing soon. I have a long road ahead but in my heart I know a complete and total parting of ways is best. 

Just have to learn to be single again. Then learn how to like it. Can't worry about tomorrow. Can't worry about being alone. I was alone before I met her.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

You can't run a marathon without taking the first steps.

It may not feel it, but you've taken the first steps and guess what? You've survived. It's a marathon not a sprint.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

I spoke too soon. Emotions are getting the best of me right now. Feeling very sad and alone. Can't cry at work. I feel trapped.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

philglossop said:


> You can't run a marathon without taking the first steps.
> 
> It may not feel it, but you've taken the first steps and guess what? You've survived. It's a marathon not a sprint.


I feel like it's a marathon in quicksand!
But I'm trying to be patient and take it one day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Trust me, all of us felt like the early days were like that.

It just get easier as days turn into weeks and then months.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

I made it through another day. I'm still alive. 

Just reread yesterday's posts. Wow. I sound pathetic. Got to let go of feeling like a victim. She didn't kill me, she dumped me. That doesn't solve HER problems, but it sure did solve almost all of mine. Time to unlearn all the lies she she about me. Time to do what I want. 

Thanks to all who sent PM's of encouragement. You are safe people. I will continue to correspond and help you all as you help me. I am a safe person. 

I'll be here off and on all day. Reading, learning, growing, healing. And helping if I can. 

I came up with this thought, maybe it's not original, but tell me what you think about it: marriage doesn't create happiness and divorce doesn't solve problems.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

jforthegirl said:


> GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!?
> You are so right. Why do I continue to sink into this hole of despair??
> I took my daughter to her second swim class last night.
> I am taking her to two parties with friends this weekend.
> ...


It's not HIM you're grieving for (because he's shown himself to be a dishonest liar and a cheater...you're not missing out on anything there). You're grieving the DEATH of your DREAM. 

The dream you HAD about how your marriage was going to be.
The dream you HAD about how your family was going to be.
The dream you HAD about how your life was going to be.

Accept that those are all gone. Grieve THEM (not him) and move on. NOW you get to have a NEW DREAM, a BETTER DREAM (because now you have and know your precious little girl!). So focus on that.

You need to fix your quote above by removing the 3rd from the last line (because it's a given) and the 4th from the last line (because who gives a rat's patootie about him?!?)


*hugs*


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Help! I'm feeling so weak today, I want to talk to him, tell him I'm hurting.
today is his dad's birthday and as some of you have seen in earlier posts, I think his dad's death may have been the catalyst for this crisis that MAY have led him to leave. 
I texted his brother and sister to tell them I was thinking of them today, and they were both appreciative and sad about the day's meaning.
I want to tell my stbxh that I am thinking of him too.
help talk me out of this. I know that I shouldn't, that he can go to the other woman (or women) if he needs support. He doesn't need me anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

Don't do IT!!

You WILL regret it.


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

I can feel you pain, I'm also in the process of grieving my marriage, I'm signing divorce papers a week from now, my XW also deceived me and out of the blue abandoned our marriage, deep in an EA.

My 8 and 10 year old boys were here with me yesterday, I left them at school today, and won't see them again until Sunday.

Boy do I miss being with them, I have to settle for a call or facetime until then.

Our X's don't deserve our time or energy.

I am going to watch mine crash and burn (which she will, undoutebly).

Stay Strong. Keep the 180 for YOURSELF.

Don't give him the satisfaction of hearing from you.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

beyondrepair said:


> I can feel you pain, I'm also in the process of grieving my marriage, I'm signing divorce papers a week from now, my XW also deceived me and out of the blue abandoned our marriage, deep in an EA.
> 
> My 8 and 10 year old boys were here with me yesterday, I left them at school today, and won't see them again until Sunday.
> 
> ...


J, beyond is right. Don't do it.

You are a nice person for feeling the way you do about the father. Nice people like us care; it's in our nature.

However, your X and his relatives no longer have any connection to you and your righteousness, etiquette, and manners because of HIS decision. You are under no obligation to extend courtesies to him and his family, and frankly, the sooner you stop worrying about HIM and start worrying about YOU, the better off you will be.

It's like if I called my STBXW in February to wish her Happy Valentines Day. She don't give a bleep about me and by then she'll probably be making mattress music with Plan B if she's not already.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

thank you for the encouragement, I did not say anything to him. 
I saw him when I came home and handed off my daughter and he left.
I said nothing and I'm glad. 
I have almost made it through another day.
Swim class with my daughter in an hour, then back home, bath time, and then bed. 
I can make it, one day closer to these damn tears drying up forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

That a girl. 

Proud of you for not breaking down!


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

Good for you J.

One day at a time.

Personally I'm feeling better this morning.

We will make it, sooner rather than later.

Rooting for you.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

It can be a very slow process but you will get there. It seems I have passed the crying stage and the asking why stage. I feel so much better. I no longer dread waking up each morning. Those brighter days that were so far off in the distance a few months ago are filtering in now. I can finally say that now most days are good. I am still in the divorce process (22 months) and have mediation 2 weeks from today. So I can't say that I am totally past the anger stage, but it no longer consumes me.

Hang in there, it does get better.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

So, an update and a question....
I think that things are getting a little better. Last Tuesday I had an absolutely awful day, cried a lot, but had a couple of people say two things to me that I think helped.
- Your tears for him will dry up
- You will eventually get tired of feeling so sad 

The next day, I felt a little numb, but definitely better. My pain feels like it might be lessening a little. I can think of him with other women and although my stomach still flip flops, I don't feel like crying. I feel.... I don't know, acceptance that it is over, that he is gone. Of course this could be short lived and I could be back to being a basket case again tomorrow.
Anyway, just an update.
Here is my question.... 
My stbx and I were together for over 23 years, so I was, obviously, very close with his family. His sister texted me today and I am unsure how to proceed. I feel like keeping in touch with them might hinder my healing process, keep me living in the past. I also feel like it will never be comfortable to keep in touch with them (at least not yet) because I will always wonder if he has a new gf and if they have met her, what they think of her compared to me, etc.
I feel like I want to tell them (in the event that the contact me, like his sister has) that I love them, I always will, but until I am past this emotionally, I need to also keep my distance from them. Eventually I will see them again, they love my daughter very much, so when we have birthday parties, sporting events, etc with her, they will likely be present.
How have any of you handled your interactions with your stbx in-laws?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I called them and told them that we would always be family and that I loved them and that I hope they would not mind if I called or visited when I was in town. No kids so I do not have that dynamic to deal with.

Then I had no contact until my BIL called me during the holidays 18 months later. I did not answer the phone.

Just me,
Stretch


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> So, an update and a question....
> I think that things are getting a little better. Last Tuesday I had an absolutely awful day, cried a lot, but had a couple of people say two things to me that I think helped.
> - Your tears for him will dry up
> - You will eventually get tired of feeling so sad
> ...


I think it would be in your best interest to cease contact with them while you are going through the healing process. I do believe remaining in contact with them at this time while just enable further suffering as far as your emotions go. In the future, I think it would be ok, but not right now. 

I have no contact with my in laws or relatives. I was extremely close to my father in law. He understands my reasons for not reaching out at this time as well as other members of my husbands family that have offered their support at this time. I just felt that it would create a lot of the "he said - she said" nonsense.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Be ever so grateful you still have your children at home w you. I read many stories here on TAM and would give my eye tooth to at least be in the situation to have a chid at home w me going thur these awful times times. 

My life fell apart when my only child left home, all my friends move on w their own lives as their own children moved too ((empty nest)) I never worked, so I have been trying to re-enter the working world when others are retiring and enjoying the world w their partners in the next part of life, I am alone. 

My parents are dead, my sister dead, my brother elsewhere. I have no reason or purpose to wake for. No one needs me. For all of those who have your children still at home w you, be ever so grateful you do. 

As far as my h afterlife since we separated. He too has been doing soooo much better. It's been over 2 years for me, and really nothing is going well yet for me. I am still stuck in the martial home with all the martial stuff to deal with, yet. He's grown in so many positive ways as his career is flourishing, his social world has opened, he wants me to put it all behind me, & jump on his bandwagon of happiness and run away with him now! Feels love conquers all! There is issues too when "they" want to come back , as it's has its heavy price to pay as well. 

~sammy


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Bleh. After several good days, in a bit of a funk today.
Not really feeling like I miss him, but just sad that this is happening, that he so easily moved on.
Haven't seen my IC for almost 4 weeks due to her vacation. Feeling the effects of this, for sure. 
Still focusing too much on why this happened and how he could have done this to me, how he is able to go so long without seeing my daughter.
how does he look in the mirror or sleep at night?
I know that the man I married is gone, but how does he live with himself, is the OW that he's never even met in person really worth it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> Bleh. After several good days, in a bit of a funk today.
> Not really feeling like I miss him, but just sad that this is happening, that he so easily moved on.
> Haven't seen my IC for almost 4 weeks due to her vacation. Feeling the effects of this, for sure.
> Still focusing too much on why this happened and how he could have done this to me, how he is able to go so long without seeing my daughter.
> ...


Why did this happen? Because he doesn't love you. Remember this when you stop thinking about you.

Focus on you. Do what you want. You got your freedom AND you got rid of a creep at the same time. What a great gift! 

You matter. YOU are better off without him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You will never know. He's the only one who does. So don't focus on him or what he thinks or why he did what he did and why he does what he does now. There just aren't answers to those questions. Focus on you and your new life.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Ugh!! I feel like I just broke my NC rule (well, NC for me means not communicating with him about anything other than the logistics around caring for our daughter)!!
I left him a note this morning telling him that I needed his payroll information for the Child Support portion of the divorce paperwork that I am trying to complete.
He sent it to me in an email.
Because of his extensive online alternate life, he has an active Google + profile. We had a huge blowup fight on Xmas Eve becuase I saw that he had used a toy from my daughter's room and took the picture in my daughter's room, for his new Goolge profile pic. I went ballistic and told him that he no longer lived in this house and that he should never exploit his daughter's things to supplement his obsessive, pathetic online life. (You can probably see why this led to a hige fight!)
Anyway, after this happened, I made sure to delete any traces of his email from my inbox/contacts/etc to prevent me from seeing his latest updates to his Google+ information.
Today, he sent me an email from this account and I had to go through and delete everything again.
I sent him a text asking him to "do me a favor and avoid emailing me from your personal account. Please use your business email or texting to communicate with me". His respnse was "Um, ok."
Now I feel stupid, like I should have just kept my mouth shut and just deleted his info without saying anything.
I have been in (our version) of NC since 12/24.
Argh! I feel like I blew it.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

J,

Don't beat yourself up. Start anew and remain mission focused.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Yea. Don't beat yourself. Start over. Don't give him a clue as to how you feel about anything.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Does this feeling of hopelessness ever pass?
I feel like I'll never feel happy again. Like I'll never get past this. 
It's almost been 3 months, but I still feel terrible, worthless, unattractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> Does this feeling of hopelessness ever pass?
> I feel like I'll never feel happy again. Like I'll never get past this.
> It's almost been 3 months, but I still feel terrible, worthless, unattractive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not terrible, you are not worthless, and you are not unattractive. Stop it now.

You are free, you can do what you want whenever you want, and you don't have to take crap from anybody anymore. 

You're married to freedom. FREEEEEEEEEEDOMMMM!!! Oh it's so good. :smthumbup:


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

jforthegirl said:


> Does this feeling of hopelessness ever pass?
> I feel like I'll never feel happy again. Like I'll never get past this.
> It's almost been 3 months, but I still feel terrible, worthless, unattractive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This may be the hardest thing you ever do, but you can do it.

If you want to see some hope, go read Angelpixie, enjoliwoman, freakonaleash, jellybeans, lucy mulholland, chopsy and list goes on and on and on.

Caring people that are living new lives today with a strength and growing confidence about the future. Now that is attractive and priceless, it's damn sexy!

You keep digging, their now is your future, go get it,
Stretch


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Thanks Stretch. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome and I fear that I am falling miserably. 
I will read the stories of those you mentioned and hopefully that will help. 
Feeling rather desperate this past few days, like I'm not sure that I can make it through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Jforthegirl,

I feel exactly the same way that you feel!


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

You can do it.

We all can.

Also had a rough day, anger and hurt keep resurfacing sometimes, although less frequently.

We will all reach the point of indifference toward them, of that I am sure.

I've rediscovered a lot of old friendships that stayed dormant during the M.

Joining a gym next week.

Keep the focus on YOU.

You will make it.

Stay strong.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

You will make it. There are so many of us going through the same thing. Yesterday was a backslide for me, today I could care less. It's going to be like this for a while. Just keep telling yourself you haven't lost a thing and you have gained so much! Heck, I need to follow my own advice! Because what have we lost? Nothing but lying, selfish, deceptive, user cheaters.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Thanks for all of the support.
I'm still really struggling, the whole betrayal part is the worst.
Not sure how I so misjudged this man, I completely trusted him, gave him my heart wholly.
somehow, he was able to throw it away without any regret or remorse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I am not a parent however,

Marriage disaster seems like an unfortunate but reasonable price to pay for the treasure that children bring.

Would not having your daughter be worth not having to rebuild your life, more than likely a better life being built?

Just a thought J,
Stretch


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

J,

At least you have something beautiful and wonderful to show for your marriage. Your child will love you forever unconditionally.

Some of us have nothing to show for our marriage except broken dreams and hearts. Some gratitude and loyalty from our POS STBX. We were there for them when they needed us for their problems and struggles. Battles with the X in court, problems with the kids, troubles in the family. Worrying about their health problems, supporting them through surgeries and treatment, loaning them money.

Where are they now? Now that they've decided to move on to greener pastures? The ones with no honor, faith, and commitment? After you put them first, delayed your career goals, put off your dreams for a bit while you helped them. Nice people. You could have married someone who could have given you your own children, but you choose them. And that is how they thank you.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

My daughter is what is keeping me on my feet, without her I would surely crumble. 
So, you are right, I would never want her to have never been born, this pain is tolerable because of her. 
But I also never thought that her life would be this way, that she would not have both of her parents in the home.Just not what I wanted for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

You will come out of this and you will be a better person at the end, its just a road with many twists and turn and those stupid roundabouts. Your stuck in the roundabout right now. Each and every one of us has been stuck like you feel. You are still early in the process given how long your relationship was and that you see him as much as you do.

He will regret and he will regret more and more as your child reaches milestones that he isn’t going to share with you. He will realize what he has lost. You will have endured the pain, learned to understand and accept and start to work toward a better future. He hasn’t even started to process any of this yet. His crash will be harder because in the end he knows he is responsible.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

honcho said:


> You will come out of this and you will be a better person at the end, its just a road with many twists and turn and those stupid roundabouts. Your stuck in the roundabout right now. Each and every one of us has been stuck like you feel. You are still early in the process given how long your relationship was and that you see him as much as you do.
> 
> He will regret and he will regret more and more as your child reaches milestones that he isn’t going to share with you. He will realize what he has lost. You will have endured the pain, learned to understand and accept and start to work toward a better future. He hasn’t even started to process any of this yet. His crash will be harder because in the end he knows he is responsible.


The roundabout analogy is solid. You'll get over to the far lane and eventually exit the roundabout to continue on a path. You're driving this, though, J. You're in the seat. Don't let the carriage drive you. As Honcho mentioned, it's one hell of a road. Strap in.

J, let go or be dragged. This is the hardest yet easiest thing to do. You need to focus on your "now." Not the past, not the futue. Both are irrelevant at this point. I understand the sadness and fear. You put a lot into your relationship with your husband and you feel duped and betrayed. It's earth-shattering. Everyone here knows.

We also know that we had to move forward. Step by step. You need to do the same.....every day. Your focus should be on you and your daughter now. You need to find something to be grateful for everyday. Only then, will the sadness start to diminish. Hubby has left the building. His actions have communicated his intent. Only you can help you stop the misery, J. You have this in you.

Awhile back, I read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I found it a very helpful reference to understand what I was going through and what to expect. I suggest the same to you.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Post to mark my spot. Will chime in once I've finished reading. Great advice and great people on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

And don't be afraid to embrace the anger. Don't go to bed angry, and don't become an angry person. But use the pain caused by anger to help destroy the false image of who you thought he was.

He is not that. You know what he is. And you don't need or want that!


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

I just went back and read this entire thread. It's shocking to remember the feelings of total despair from the first minth or two after BD. It's only been just a little over 3 months and I'm starting to feel a little better. Time really does make it better. 
I am far from being out of the woods, but a little hope has creeped into my heart. Hope that I will be okay, that I will be happy again. I doubt that I will ever be the same, but I am hopeful that I will be happy. 
I think I'm entering the Anger stage because I'm really starting to despise him. I'm angry that he did this to the family, and I mostly just think he is a dipsh!t and an idiot. 
If he thinks he will be so much better off away from me, so be it and good luck to him.
I know that in the end, I'll definitely be better off without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

Good for u J!

I also keep returning to the anger stage sometimes, although I clearly now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Time does heal.

All the best for u.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

I know I'm months off from even hoping to get to the point you are at now. Your post stood out to me so i started reading.

Even though I know im not the only person in the world who this has happened. But we are going through the same thing... Instead my pos h has been living a double life for 2 years having an EA with his work girlfriend.

The day he left me was the day we came back from a cruise to the bahamas, and the next day He decides to leave ans say we need to be separated and Moves in withhis girlfriend, which i did find out until 2 weeks later!

I was crushed! Today im starting to see things that have really changed in my life.. Im feeling... less than human. But being on this forum makes me come to understand that I am a human being and i should want better for myself.

Even though deep in my heart and soul I hope that he realizes what he has done.... but if I dont go through this...I will never be strong enough to even consider taking care of myself and my own needs. 

Reading the threads to your post has inspired me.. its helping.

lol im dying to go see a counselor and I have my first appnt on wednesday! It cant come any sooner.

I appreciate people like you and everyone who responds for their kind words.. their loving attitudes

This is the kind of caring and understanding from people who dont know us from a hole in the wall and they have cared more than Our Husbands ever did about our well being.

I feel like crap today but you know what, thats ok... and I thank you.

We will graduate from this with honors!

Thank you.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

J,

Thinking about you. Hope you are doing well.

Stretch


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Thanks Stretch, had a very strange day yesterday. 
I had been hearing from friends and family that stbxh was really depressed. Many had tried to reach out to him, but didn't get responses.
I was worried about him, so I broke NC (my version of nc, anyway) and texted him to see if he was okay. After a rocky start, we ended uo having a good exchange, he said he was sorry for what he has put me through, that he doesn't sleep well or eat much, that he isn't good all or even most of the time, but he will be okay. He thanked me fir my concern, said he also worried about me. I told him that I am still here for him, I'm pretty bust ed up, but if he needs to talk, I am here.
so, now after all of that, I'm confused. I feel like I've let him off the hook for all of the lies, the cheating. But, I do truly worry about him. I want him to be a good father to my daughter and I need him alive and functioning well to fill that role.
I'm scared that I've opened myself up to being hurt by him again. I feel like I shouldn't have trusted him enough to tell him that I was here, that I worry. 
And even more confusing, I'm not sure what I'm feeling now. Do I feel relief that he is doing okay and that we may be able to communicate again? Or is this a feeling of hope? Hope that we can reconcile? Deep down, a reconciliation is not what I want, it would never work, but am I feeling hopeful about it anyway??
Ugh.



Stretch said:


> J,
> 
> Thinking about you. Hope you are doing well.
> 
> Stretch


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

It is of little comfort but it seems that when they come out of the fog, they are crushed by the poor choices, pain caused and treasure lost.

For you, the future is yours to craft as you wish. As you gain control, you get stronger and as you get stronger, you heal.

Stay strong,
Stretch


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