# Because when us co-dependents start out again...it's easy to forget...



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Reminders for Codependents

Found this link, wanted to share.
Any comments?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm going to print this out and put it where I will see it. I like a lot of those. 

One of my favorites:

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

That's a great list.

My favorite one is peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, no chaos, no trouble and no hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

thanks thats a really good list
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

Thanks for this


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Geez, my new boyfriend can really be a pain in the neck sometimes and disappointing on some counts but whenever I set boundaries to protect my codependent self he passes with flying colors by respecting them. He said, he likes it that I don't let him get away with sh*t. I kind of like it that I know when I'm troubled by something. 

In my marriage, which was abusive, when I was troubled by something and brought it up (like cheating or not respecting our agreement on birth control...) I was treated to many different reasons as to why I should not be troubled by something and was 'crazy'. 

It's so refreshing to hear that I'm being heard and that he is in agreement with my feelings (or not, and why, and the explanation of where I erred in perception.) I do notice when he falls short, and I care enough to ask him to make an effort to go the distance. 

The verdict is still out, of course, but this is very different than what I'm used to. The 'horrible' thing is, that I've come to realize, is that due to finishing therapy, my mind and spirit and body are now 'set' so that I cannot tolerate being codependent. 

It seems that any time I lose track of what I'm supposed to be doing for myself, I feel like crap, and the feeling doesn't lift until I start doing for myself. Usually this cycle is about 3 days long for some reason, which is a heck of a lot shorter than it used to be (months or years even). 

I *almost* miss the days when I could feel better about myself by taking care of loser narcissists. But, not quite. The feeling of knowing I have taken care of myself is so much nicer, I feel more pleasant and fulfilled no matter how anyone is treating me (even my kids!) and less 'angry' inside. 

Next week I have a school break of a few days and am planning a 'me' day. I used to feel like a loser when I only had myself to spend a day with, or that people who could spend a day on their own were pathetic and delusional and strange. It's so odd to realize that it's normal. I mean, when I was a kid I never had any problem going off for the day and doing whatever pleased me (and because my mother was neglectful, I often did!)


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

what a great post, homemaker. i look forward to that someday, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I'm going to print this out and put it where I will see it. I like a lot of those.
> 
> One of my favorites:
> 
> If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.


It's definitely something to remember as we pursue our single lives... I hold places in my schedule/heart for people but damn it.... it's me time!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm starting to feel 'not right' when I 'don't write'...I'm an English major...comparative lit and creative writing. I have about another year and a half to make the most of my opportunity to transport myself into a second career as a writer. (I'm keeping up my computer/database/statistical programming/research work on the side...it's a rare writer that has a trade with which to support herself...kind of like having a patron of the arts you can REALLY count on.) But my guys (adult son and boyfriend) cheer me on, and that's great. I'm taking Shakespeare and it's taught by a team...really tough...and I got an A on my first essay. I had to work incredibly hard on it, really get my ideas in focus and advocate for them in writing supporting them, defending the thesis, etc. Took an exam today in that same class, and I actually ENJOYED it. I lost myself in the writing and looked up and saw a stinkbug on the edge of my table...near my coffee carafe...when I looked up again it was the end of my exam, done with my writing, drank the cold coffee I'd poured and forgotten about, organized my stuff, numbered my pages (14 handwritten!), had a cup of hot coffee to un-stiffen my hands and then went to the town library to pick up my kids who went there after school to wait for me. I picked up a paper on Willa Cather I'd written last week...8 pages in one sitting/flow of thought after thinking about it for over a week...got an A+/best ever received on Cather from the instructor (taking independent study), who is also my advisor. I'm beginning to think I might make it as an English major even after graduation....my EX remarked on my application essay that it was 'chatty'. My boyfriend asked to read my Shakepeare essay (I made ******* out to be a mensch, lol.)
Anyway, the un-codependent life is starting to suit me, the problem is once finished with therapy for that and 'cured' there is no going back...which also means you can't lose yourself in a relationship....so you have to deal with yourself, and myself needs to read, write and go to the movies and thankfully also cook and program/work.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You are my inspiration, Homemaker!

I can legally file for divorce in November.

I have looked for counselors/therapists and had a friends who's a practicing psychologist look at their self-posted info on their websites (sans names) and give her opinion on their qualifications.

Will be starting counseling SOON. I want to get over my co-dependence and YOU HAVE GIVEN ME HOPE that it IS an achievable goal!

I am happy now, but I want to quit being angry (mostly at myself for poor past choices) and I want to quit fearing that I will continue to make poor choices in the future.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING! I am REALLY feeling better about my future!


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

I really liked reading your post NumeroUno. 

Coming out of a relationship with a co-dependent myself so I have considerable interest in the topic. Glad you mentioned boundaries. Even if they are small ones, keeping them, and making them well and clearly established, I think is a very good tool. 

Although my counselor says I was not co-dependent, I was bad at keeping boundaries which only enabled my spouse's co-dependence even more.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's good to know there are others who go through the same feelings. 

Sooooo, I ended up coming home in the middle of the night. 
It turns out my boyfriend stopped being attracted to me and decided he didn't love me but decided NOT TO TELL ME because he 'liked my company' and 'didn't want to hurt my feelings.' 

He wanted to be friends! 

But I lost all respect for him. 
Who uses someone that way? 

I was disgusted.

I got home not 1/2 hour later and he was on Match and had already de-friended me. 

He's a bit of a narcissist so I suspect will go through the cycle again. He also struggles with depression and I think he might be addicted to weed. 

I can do better. 
Reminding myself that dating is a process.

I really do want a relationship and a family life.
So will keep trying.

Glad I was able to get the truth out of him, did not lose my cool.

I actually enjoyed the slow drive home under a nearly full moon, at 2 a.m. It reminded me that the universe is a lovely place and my little piece of it doesn't have to include such drama. It's a choice.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's good to know there are others who go through the same feelings.
> 
> Sooooo, I ended up coming home in the middle of the night.
> It turns out my boyfriend stopped being attracted to me and decided he didn't love me but decided NOT TO TELL ME because he 'liked my company' and 'didn't want to hurt my feelings.'
> ...


His loss and great attitude on your part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Wow, HNU, you are handling that with such grace. That's where I want to be someday. Sorry that it turned out that way, though. Well -- actually, I guess considering how he is, it turned out the best for you after all.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> His loss and great attitude on your part.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. I felt better as soon as I left. Some things just feel wrong, and are wrong. He's a bit more f*cked up than I'd really care to talk about. I ought to have ended it before, but was entertaining some small delusions. The bottom line is that it really does matter how you spend your time. If you don't really feel for someone, do the right thing, and let that person have their life to themselves...and spend your time alone and suck it up already!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> Wow, HNU, you are handling that with such grace. That's where I want to be someday. Sorry that it turned out that way, though. Well -- actually, I guess considering how he is, it turned out the best for you after all.


Sedatives are wonderful things.
Properly used at appropriate times.
I have no shame about that.
The people who gave them to me really care about me, and they would be thrilled to know how much good they did me in keeping my cool and staying completely rational and civil.


I'm lucky I still have my guy friends who think the world of me, and my adult son who was sympathetic without getting too involved.
So my self-esteem doesn't have to take too big of a hit.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I was looking at the news and thinking...any time there has been a major change in my life, where I've been wronged...the wind starts blowing. It's never failed...and this time, there's a hurricane coming through. I feel like Mother Nature is in tune with me. I feel bad about all the storm damage of course, but there is nothing like a strong wind blowing to herald necessary changes.

I went to the recycling center today and left off a bunch of stuff...have been decluttering my apartment in preparation for being able to live in a yurt or one of those tiny houses one day...and visualized myself leaving off the ex boyfriend as well.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Reminding myself of the difference between ending an unhealthy relationship because it was unhealthy, and 'breaking up with someone'. Separate...separate...separate...backing away from danger and disgust is very different from foregoing something that looks attractive. Narcissists should come with a warning label from the n.i.m.h. Life would be so much easier!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Amen!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

A dance friend of mine who similarly lost a love (her fiance died of cancer) and connected to me when my boyfriend had a brain hemorrhage, is setting me up with a nice guy she knows who dances. I was remembering dancing with my friend who had the brain hemorrhage last evening, made me cry. Dealing with the harsh and sad realities of life really stink. I somehow thought that if this guy loved me and I was open to being loved, that it would happen. He only 'gave' until I was hooked into giving back, and then he stopped giving. Typical narcissist. UN-hooking. It sucks to know he will just move on and appear cute and attractive to the next victim...why do I envy that woman when I know how it will end, and maybe not even as nicely for her? lol.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I know just what you mean I was married to one of those narcissists myself, so handsome, seems so nice, giving, but is really only about himself, as long as he looked good, got what he wanted everything was fine. I am learning that I am a giver, I worked for a long time to do everything the way he wanted it, I gave up myself, then I just couldn't anymore and he got out. Even now, when I see him, I wonder why I wasn't good enough. Its crazy, I am good enough, in fact I am great, I just convinced myself that he was right, always critical and judging my choices. Its nice not to see myself reflected in his eyes anymore. Besides the occasional trips, I am mostly proud of who I am


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Good for you, stillhoping!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

stillhoping said:


> I know just what you mean I was married to one of those narcissists myself, so handsome, seems so nice, giving, but is really only about himself, as long as he looked good, got what he wanted everything was fine. I am learning that I am a giver, I worked for a long time to do everything the way he wanted it, I gave up myself, then I just couldn't anymore and he got out. Even now, when I see him, I wonder why I wasn't good enough. Its crazy, I am good enough, in fact I am great, I just convinced myself that he was right, always critical and judging my choices. Its nice not to see myself reflected in his eyes anymore. Besides the occasional trips, I am mostly proud of who I am


I am sorry you were married to one. My first one, that I was married to, was a drunk, but one with a good job, which I always thought wasn't possible but I learned the hard way about that. Fortunately he had $ so I eventually got a fair amount of child support, and didn't suffer too much over it as it only lasted a couple years, and he was gone a lot towards the end which is how I saw how bad it was when he was home. I made a commitment to leave and since he was in a foreign country and there could be no going back since I would have had to go through the State Department and the military I stayed away long enough to realize that when he did get sent on to where I was that it was not going to work. It was a relief when he moved to a next duty station far away so I could stop sharing custody with him every other weekend. I hated leaving my kid with a drunk knowing that the older brother was going to be left in charge of him. I ought to have taken the older brother - my stepson - back home with me instead!!!! Maybe he would not have ended up on psychiatric disability in his adult life.

It is so difficult to leave a narcissist because when they do give you attention it is a bit like a pleasant victory that you have earned by doing all the right things at the right time and found the magical formula and it's easy to think you can just keep doing it...but oh, they change the rules to up the ante. And since they know they're manipulating you they get it in their head that it's not true affection, then they start to despise you...and when you call them out on it you are 'starting something'. I'm not sure why we miss them! Other than when they are trying to hold on to you and keep you from leaving they can be very attentive in the sack. lol.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

HNO, that describes it exactly. We never talked about things til I felt like they were resolved, I was always excited when I did get some attention because it was so rare and I really came to believe that I did not deserve it. I let it all be ok, so I could stay in the marriage, I don't know why, since it wasn't good for me. I have dated 2 men since the divorce, they give me lots of attention, think I am great, can't believe I am alone. They find me sexy, smart and attractive, kind and fun loving, which I always was, just couldn't show it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

stillhoping said:


> HNO, that describes it exactly. We never talked about things til I felt like they were resolved, I was always excited when I did get some attention because it was so rare and I really came to believe that I did not deserve it. I let it all be ok, so I could stay in the marriage, I don't know why, since it wasn't good for me. I have dated 2 men since the divorce, they give me lots of attention, think I am great, can't believe I am alone. They find me sexy, smart and attractive, kind and fun loving, which I always was, just couldn't show it.


I wish I didn't understand narcissists so well! The bottom line is that a relationship with them is unhealthy. They do excel at filling a void, and very quickly. It's like if you even get near one it's some kind of contagion for us quiet, lovely people. 

Last night I was looking to see if I could find any evidence of how my ex-BF was in his last relationship. I found a video that was on public t.v. about his glass-blowing back in 1995. He was with his partner (the one who left him abruptly after almost 20 years together...) and no surprise, the entire video was about him, he dominated the whole dialogue, and once when she was turning a piece for him, he spoke to her and said 'STOP' (meaning, stop here, because I am done applying the glass to this piece) but it sounded like something you would say to a dog. NOT ONCE in the entire video which was about 10-15 minutes did he look at her, not even when he was talking about their history together. He also did not touch her. He seemed more concerned about talking about himself. I think his partner said about 2 sentences. 

It must have taken a lot of courage for her to separate from him. It was difficult enough for me after only 4 months, but she wanted something better and took it when it came along, she was recovering from an illness when she left him, I can't help but wonder if the anxiety and disconnection and lack of physical affection and being dismissed as an individual finally took a toll on her. I know that's what happened to me, and it has taken me a couple years to find my voice in my writing work. I recently started getting commendations for it here in college, and have some hope of developing myself further as a writer. My paid work is also improving, it's a bit like writing, what I do for paid work.(analytical programming of data...)


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