# need help



## freska_00 (May 18, 2012)

So my husband has started having an emotion all affair with his best friend who is also married. I asked for it to stop and his response was that I had no right to ask him to censor himself with her and walked out. She has been encouraging the behavior but has no intention in leaving her husband. I am trying to find some resources or articles that I can send her. What I'm looking for is something that say that if she was truly a good friend to my husband, she would have taken a step back from her friendship with him so we could work on our relationship instead of encouraging his emotional affair with her. If you happen to know where I can find something like that please post the link. Thanks in advance for any help.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sounds to me like you are going after the wrong person. Your husband is the one who promised to forsake all others... he is the one who made a commitment to you. So how bout an article to remind your husband that husbands don't get girlfriends... period. 

Good luck


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## freska_00 (May 18, 2012)

Yes but my husband and his family have cut me and his daughter off and she is the only one that he is talking to. He has cut all his other friends off too. So I'm trying to appeal to her to get him thinking about things so I can open communication with him again


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Tell her husband she is having an affair with your husband! Tell him to check her phone records for proof.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

She already knows that she should not come between a "friend" and his spouse. She doesn't care. You should let her husband know ASAP what is going on. Maybe send him some articles because he'd probably be much more receptive to them than the hosebeast who's trying to wreck your family
About.com: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8990045/
What is An Emotional Affair? - Oprah.com

Let you husband know in no uncertain terms that you will not be a part of a marriage that includes her. He can be married to you and cease contact with her or he can be divorced. His choice. Mean it and stick with it.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

freska_00 said:


> *Yes but my husband and his family have cut me and his daughter off* and she is the only one that he is talking to. He has cut all his other friends off too. So I'm trying to appeal to her to get him thinking about things so I can open communication with him again


Can you elaborate on how your husband and his family have cut you and your daughter off? Are you staying together or separated? Why has he cut off everybody? Can you provide some more context?

As for other lady, I don't think appealing to her will get you anything at all, you could loose some respect and self-esteem however... you might want to talk to her husband and ask him to keep his lady away from your H. That seems to be a more effective way to handle your situation.

Also you need to put your foot down and tell your H that this non sense needs to stop ASAP and monitor his activities thereafter


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

Point of view from a man: Nothing could drive me quicker out of my marriage than a wife that tries to restrain me in any way. (you can judge that as good or bad) 

Appealing to her is just as much nonsense as appealing to him. Both will just make their bond stronger. You can try, but it won't get you anywhere. They are both the wrong people to go after. The real person to look after is yourself. And I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now. But there is something he finds more interesting elsewhere. 

That secret is to find out what that is and to provide the same or similar value. Trying to find a way to become of more value to him is the key. Trying to restrain him will get him where you don't want him to be even faster.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Post your story in the Coping with Infidelity forum, they will give you good advice.


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

talk with your husband and tell him that it can spoil your relationship.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The Renegade said:


> Point of view from a man: Nothing could drive me quicker out of my marriage than a wife that tries to restrain me in any way. (you can judge that as good or bad)
> 
> Appealing to her is just as much nonsense as appealing to him. Both will just make their bond stronger. You can try, but it won't get you anywhere. They are both the wrong people to go after. The real person to look after is yourself. And I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now. But there is something he finds more interesting elsewhere.
> 
> That secret is to find out what that is and to provide the same or similar value. Trying to find a way to become of more value to him is the key. Trying to restrain him will get him where you don't want him to be even faster.


Why should a wife have to compete for her husband?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The Renegade said:


> .
> 
> That secret is to find out what that is and to provide the same or similar value. Trying to find a way to become of more value to him is the key. Trying to restrain him will get him where you don't want him to be even faster.


Wouldn't you think, by what she posted, it's way past that point now?

She needs to contact the OWH.


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## freska_00 (May 18, 2012)

Actually I did contact the Husband of the other woman a couple weeks ago. Supposedly he confronted them and their response was that I was making everything up to cause drama. He then proceeded to block me on email, facebook , etc.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh, he will find out fast enough. Don't worry over this, though. Just go along your own way and he'll be begging you to take him back. Seriously, the most attractive thing to a man is a woman who DOESN"T want them. Because they are all very messed up in the head. Good luck


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

freska_00 said:


> Actually I did contact the Husband of the other woman a couple weeks ago. Supposedly he confronted them and their response was that I was making everything up to cause drama. He then proceeded to block me on email, facebook , etc.


Exactly my point. There you go.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Why should a wife have to compete for her husband?


You should never stop competing for your partner. Men or women.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

venuslove said:


> Oh, he will find out fast enough. Don't worry over this, though. Just go along your own way and he'll be begging you to take him back. Seriously, the most attractive thing to a man is a woman who DOESN"T want them. Because they are all very messed up in the head. Good luck


Not sure if I like the vibe in that last sentence, but there is a point in here as well. You should always be your most attractive self. Not only for your husband, but for every other guy around as well. 

It's not said that he will ever come back begging you, but it's your best bet. Stop going after the two or the OWH. Let go and work yourself up. It might get his bells ringing.

(BTW, did anyone already mention? Men are never after emotional affairs - the target is always physical.)


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

freska_00 said:


> Actually I did contact the Husband of the other woman a couple weeks ago. Supposedly he confronted them and their response was that I was making everything up to cause drama. He then proceeded to block me on email, facebook , etc.


Too bad that he's an idiot. Oh well. You will not accomplish anything by trying to persuade the other woman to stay away from your husband. No doubt she is thoroughly enjoying the drama and ego boost. You have a few choices:

A. Accept your husband's extramarital relationship with another woman. 
B. Tell your husband that he has 2 choices- drop the other woman, cease all contact with her, send her and her husband a no-contact letter OR get ready to be divorced. 

I'd choose B, but it's up to you.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

The Renegade said:


> You should never stop competing for your partner. Men or women.


Most married women do not want to feel like they are competing with anyone for their husband. It is a huge turnoff and just makes a lot of women feel like they need to turn to another man.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

381917 said:


> Most married women do not want to feel like they are competing with anyone for their husband. It is a huge turnoff and just makes a lot of women feel like they need to turn to another man.


Turn off or not and you might choose to turn to another man. But eventually I recommend not to stop competing for the other man then as well, otherwise you might end up doing the same thing over and over. Or you end up in a lame marriage where everybody is afraid of being alone but nobody cares about the other one - plenty of those around.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

381917 said:


> A. Accept your husband's extramarital relationship with another woman.
> B. Tell your husband that he has 2 choices- drop the other woman, cease all contact with her, send her and her husband a no-contact letter OR get ready to be divorced.
> 
> I'd choose B, but it's up to you.


In that case I believe most women would choose B. Most husbands then would choose the first option and start lying about breaking contact until caught.

Please don't get me wrong on that. I'm not saying that's a good thing. It's just a real thing.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

freska_00 said:


> Actually I did contact the Husband of the other woman a couple weeks ago. Supposedly he confronted them and their response was that I was making everything up to cause drama. He then proceeded to block me on email, facebook , etc.


Please ask a moderator to have your post moved to the Coping with Infidelity forum. The reason is, many members who have suffered infidelity, some of whom (like myself) have reconciled with their spouses after they were in an emotional affair, only frequent that forum. So they won't see your post here, unfortunately.

You were brave to contact your frenemy's husband--many people do not choose to take that step but it is a vital one to get the affair to end. Unfortunately, it sounds to me like you did it too soon, and without adequate evidence. This is a common rookie mistake. Now you are going to have a more difficult time reaching out to him, but this is still the next step to take.

What hard evidence do you have of them communicating with each other? Do they ever manage to see each other? Unfortunately if he's moved out of your home, you may now have to resort to tailing them and taking photos yourself (not a very good option), or hiring a private detective to establish that the affair is going on.

It sounds like you've also lost the ability to expose to his family, evidently they have either taken his side because he's lied to them, or they have been undermining your marriage all along and now that he's left you they are supporting him in this.

Your "friend" is laughing at you behind your back, she probably spends lots of time insulting you to when she speaks to your husband and commiserating with him on what a poor choice of wife he made. You are NOT going to wake her up in any way. Any attempts to reach out to her are going to be met with scorn and disgust at how pathetic you are. I don't say that to be cruel to you, because you are anything but pathetic--you are a human being who loves her husband and has been HORRIBLY betrayed by this woman and she is evil itself for doing this to you. But she is far beyond reason now and is a waste of your energy in terms of direct confrontations / communications.

What is your financial situation? Is your husband working to support you, still? Or when you say he's cut you off, does this mean he's abandoned you--moved out, in hiding, etc.? If you could give us more detail about that. Thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The Renegade said:


> Point of view from a man: Nothing could drive me quicker out of my marriage than a wife that tries to restrain me in any way. (you can judge that as good or bad)
> 
> Appealing to her is just as much nonsense as appealing to him. Both will just make their bond stronger. You can try, but it won't get you anywhere. They are both the wrong people to go after. The real person to look after is yourself. And I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now. But there is something he finds more interesting elsewhere.
> 
> That secret is to find out what that is and to provide the same or similar value. Trying to find a way to become of more value to him is the key. Trying to restrain him will get him where you don't want him to be even faster.


So if you were having an affair and your wife asked you to stop, you would hold that against her? Really?

I agree that it would benefit her to improve herself. But her behavior is not why her husband is having an affair. He's having an affair.

Setting boundaries for what she will put up with... "I will leave you if you continue this affair. Either you enter into NO CONTACT NOW, or I leave." Is very good advice.

Exposing the affair to the OW's husband is also good advice.

These techniques have been used with a lot of success for marital recovery from an affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

freska_00 said:


> Actually I did contact the Husband of the other woman a couple weeks ago. Supposedly he confronted them and their response was that I was making everything up to cause drama. He then proceeded to block me on email, facebook , etc.


What evidence did you have at the time that you exposed the affair to him? It sounds like you need more solid evidence. What are you doing to get that?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The Renegade said:


> You should never stop competing for your partner. Men or women.


Are you for real??? I shouldn't have to COMPETE for my husband. Should I keep showing affection/ Yes. Should I do things for him? Yes. But in no way, shape or form should I have to compete with some B*TCH for his attention! That's a load of bullsh*t.

Edited to say that the OP shouldn't have to compete with other women for her husband either.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

To the person who started this thread, I apologize that it is being hijacked for a barely relevant debate. Please ask a mod to move your thread to Coping with Infidelity and feel free to report anyone who is posting extraneously, it makes it hard for you to read items intended for you directly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

The Renegade said:


> Turn off or not and you might choose to turn to another man. But eventually I recommend not to stop competing for the other man then as well, otherwise you might end up doing the same thing over and over. Or you end up in a lame marriage where everybody is afraid of being alone but nobody cares about the other one - plenty of those around.


Edited since it really has nthing to do with the original post...

How do you specifically advise the OP to compete with the other woman?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Iheartlife is right. I apologize for furthering the debate. I have not come across anything that would get the OW to back off. And, unfortunately, based on what you have said already... I don't think it would do any good at this point. They both think their behavior is acceptable, and have even snowed the OW's husband. Unless you have proof that they can't refute, I'm not sure what you can do. Gather what evidence you can, and try the OW husband again...or your in-laws, if you can get them to listen.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

freska_00 said:


> Actually I did contact the Husband of the other woman a couple weeks ago. Supposedly he confronted them and their response was that I was making everything up to cause drama. He then proceeded to block me on email, facebook , etc.


So just to be sure I understand the situation, your H is having an EA with his best friends' wife. You asked your H to stop and he said he can talk to whomever he pleases...and the OW has encouraged the EA. You considered telling your H's family but you say that they have "cut you off" (I'm assuming maybe by blocking calls and emails or not friending you on Facebook...that kind of thing) as well as cut off your H's daughter. And finally you did go to the OW's H (who is your H's best friend), and he asked them about it....and they lied and said it was just you being jealous, causing drama, etc. So now the OW's H has also cut you off. 

The very first thing I'm going to recommend is that you read the article on our site: "Seven Steps You Can Take To End An Affair." I won't retype all seven steps here, but you can see that our very first step is to gather evidence that proves it is an affair...and then the SECOND step is to confront your spouse, then disclose to a mentor, and finally expose the affair to some limited others who can help. Unfortunately you did not gather evidence that proves it is adultery, and instead you moved straight ahead to the next step with no proof! Now the adulterers know that you're "on" to them and they have probably covered their tracks a bit. 

I kind of get the feeling or sense from your posts that in a way you feel helpless, and you want to maybe show some articles to the OW to make her leave your H alone. Freska--at this point the OW and your H are ENJOYING each others' attention, company, hugs, kisses and more! So they have NO INTENTION to "find out what they are doing is wrong" and then stop so they can do the right thing. So far, they have covered it up, lied about it to their own families, tried to blame you for their behavior, made you look like the "bad guy", and gone to great lengths to keep it going!! So be honest with yourself--they are not going to stop just because you ask them to; in order for this to stop it is going to require you to be brave and strong and stand up for YOURSELF!

So the very first thing you are going to need to do is to ask to have this thread moved to the "Coping With Infidelity" forum. Any moderator can move it for you, so just send a Private Message (PM) to any mod and ask. On that forum, there are many, many people who can offer some wise suggestions. 

The second thing you are going to need to do is to gather PROOF that it is an affair. Now, lots of times people go the "high tech" route of putting a keylogger on their spouse's computer, or putting a Voice Activated Recorder under the driver's seat in their car, or using an app to pull the texts and things from their spouse's cell phone! All of these are options that ARE available to you to get PROOF....but you don't have to go high tech either. One site I love has a great article on "low tech" ways to discover the truth: "Tips for Discovering the Truth." Again I won't type everything here in this reply, but cheating spouses are sloppy! They leave LOTS of low tech proof and all you need to do is be attentive. For example:



_[*]Keep a journal of your spouse’s reported activities. Write down the times, dates, places, other people involved, excuses given, etc. Your journal will become invaluable as you compare what’s said with phone bills, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, talk to other people, etc. A cheating spouse is likely to change his or her story, or question your memory, so keeping a record of everything is critical.
[*]Keep track of all incoming phone calls. Record the time and number of all calls.
[*]Plan a surprise visit to work, or come home at unexpected times, or make announcements about having to work late, but then come home early, etc.
[*]Keep track of your spouse’s mileage, receipts, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, phone records, etc_.

Just those four suggestions there would prove they spent money on the OP, they were not where they said they would be, they speak to each other 100s of times a day, there are miles on the car that don't match going and coming to work, there are items purchased that don't end up at your home, and/or that when they think you aren't around they are up to something! Those things alone could all work together to prove that it's more than a "friendship." 

If you could get started on those two things: moving this thread to "Coping With Infidelity" and starting to track those four things above....why you would have begun to stand up for yourself and your marriage!!


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