# 42 years



## help42

We have been married for 42 years. Our life was always really good and full of love and passion. About 15 years ago the wife had a hysterectomy. From that point her passion slowly dwindled until 10 years ago then totally stopped. She decided she was done with sex. Over the last 10 years she decided she would give me a hand job on our anniversary. Only tome in 10 years she has touched me. I have tried everything imaginable to help her. Trips, flowers, special dinners, nothing worked, I asked but never no change. 2 years ago she had cancer, had a major surgery, has gone through numerous treatments. She is now maintaining her own. She has plenty of strength to go out with our adult children but still no strength for me. Still no desire on her part. 

I may be old but still desire the love and passion of a woman. I feel I may miss any remaining happiness in my life if I stay, but wonder if I am justified in wanting to move on. 

I have so many emotions running through my head I'm afraid to make a sudden decision that I may regret down the road. 

Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you

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## jb02157

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. I find myself in a very similar situation although I have no idea why my wife all of the sudden started to not care about not only me but for the kids to. She has plenty of energy and time for her friends but not us. If you have the desire for a woman but you wife won't comply , that's leaves very little options other than divorcing her and finding someone else. That's what I plan to do, eventually. It's sad, all the work that you put into the realationship after all these years means nothing now.


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## help42

Thanks jb

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## Hope1964

I find it really really hard to understand how anyone can do what your wife has done. How can you be with someone for decades then suddenly decide to quit having sex with them or kiss them or hold hands???

What does she say about it? Does she have a reason, or just excuses? Is it medical?

If she has just arbitrarily decided this for no real reason, then you are entirely justified in getting a divorce and finding a woman who WILL meet your needs. All of them. Have you told your wife that you WILL do that?

Have you guys tried MC?


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## help42

She thinks I'm crazy , she believes at our age that stuff doesn't matter anymore. It is not important. Every time I try to discuss it she tells me I have the problem. She feels it isn't important.

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## eagleclaw

And she won't, because up to this point she hasn't had to. She has stopped, and you have accepted it as you are still here. You need to have a direct converstation with her telling her it simply IS not acceptable, and thus you will NO longer accept it, and if she's not willing to even work at it then although you love you her, you will be forced to divorce her as your marriage requires passion and a wife, not simply a room mate. Period. Then stop talking and listen. She what she says. If she doesn't take you and your needs seriously.....or tells you to go ahead then you will know how important you are to her and can act accordingly.


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## BetrayedDad

help42 said:


> She thinks I'm crazy, she believes at our age that stuff doesn't matter anymore. It is not important. Every time I try to discuss it she tells me I have the problem. She feels it isn't important.


Well she's dead wrong. Then what the hell does she think you need her for? A roommate?!? 

If she won't change DIVORCE her and find the long overdue passion you deserve.

Life's too short to put up with selfish people who only care about their needs.

1 hand job in 10 years is just beyond ridiculous. It's downright cruel and abusive.


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## Hope1964

help42 said:


> She thinks I'm crazy , she believes at our age that stuff doesn't matter anymore. It is not important. Every time I try to discuss it she tells me I have the problem. She feels it isn't important.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Then you see a lawyer and file for D.


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## help42

She had a total hysterectomy, was on hormones for a while then she decided to quit. The cancer was totally different. 

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## Row Jimmy

It was time to tell her that your needs matter 10 years ago. 

If you don't stand up for yourself then no one will. 

If she doesn't meet you in the middle somewhere you either file for divorce and leave or make a deal where you get your needs met elsewhere and accept the roommate financial partner deal. 

Depending on your finances.... splitting your property and money could really suck after 60 and it could mess up the family dynamic. 

It's tough to make a change that big after tolerating being treated so poorly for so long. I would expect she would tell you to leave if you don't like it at this point as she sounds like a heartless selfish person.


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## Lostinthought61

help42 said:


> She thinks I'm crazy , she believes at our age that stuff doesn't matter anymore. It is not important. Every time I try to discuss it she tells me I have the problem. She feels it isn't important.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


thinking like that is just selfishness (on her part)


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## SimplyAmorous

It pains me to read of a marriage that has evolved to this...this should never be...it's everything against loving, cherishing, to have & to hold...I feel anger just imaging being in this situation...I often wonder how the wanting /devoted spouse is not eaten with resentment living like this...how do you come here -showing humility.. because you still love & care about her.. it's very wonderful of you.. but how are you not blistering ANGRY , feeling gravely cheated ! 

Heart wrenching to read, more so because you sound like a good man. 

It makes it more difficult because she's had cancer.. everyone will rally around the one who is sick.. so often the caretaker is ignored.. and he or she is drowning emotionally / physically.. If she has the energy to devote to your adult children.. she's got some for you.. she just doesn't think it's important.. BUT IT IS ! ... she has checked out, given up, has pushed you aside -for years on end.. 

Can I ask.. is she feeling resentful towards YOU in any way, something from the past? As another said...something DIES in us when touch is taken from us.. I wouldn't be able to live like this.. 

If you are someone who lights up with touch, affection, who wants so much to GIVE.. but also to receive...God bless you.. you deserve to find that.. Live it.. enjoy it while you are here.. Passion revitalizes the heart after all.. 

Not sure what all to say other than I feel for you.. I don't think getting older should resort to "just roommates".. it's just NOT acceptable..

I hope you sort this out, with or without her , and find happiness again..


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## anchorwatch

@help42, My wife and I must be as old as you and married as long as you and your wife. My wife has gone through everything you're wife has and more. Disfigurement. Lost libido. HRT not an option....

I don't know what you and your wife were like or how intimacy was in your marriage before these events. I also don't know how these traumatic life events changed her as a being or how each of you handled the recovery from them. There's a lot involved in these situations, it's not just the changes to her body and mind. It' who you were before, it's how things were handled during and after, it's state of your life situations and age now, and of course, what you both see and need for the future. Needless to say, it's complicated. 

My advice (from a couple that returned from a stint at roommate limbo) If it's gone astray it's time to find a guide to see if the two of you can find common ground to stand on before you walk away from your life partner. Find yourselves a MC (MFT) or a restoration program first. Wouldn't it be worth it to make it work with her, then take your chances at finding something out there? 

I can tell you my wife and I have found common ground where we can both be happy where we are. A compromise where we both win. Where two work toward one goal. BTW, she gushes at the fact that her man of 40+ years still desires her at this age. 

I know it takes two. Does she know your thoughts about leaving? You may need to let her choose. 

Best


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## help42

notmyrealname4 said:


> If she's not taking the hormones, then I would guess she doesn't have a sex drive. So she's being honest.
> 
> But she should be willing to share physical affection with you; and through doing so, might allow you to reawaken her to some form of sexual love.
> 
> So, the cancer was an additional battle. That's very hard. Did this in anyway disfigure her body? I ask only because it can affect whether or not she sees herself as desirable.
> 
> She could be pushing you away because she doesn't want to be looked at anymore. It makes her very uncomfortable.
> 
> It could be all about how she sees herself now. It might not be about you at all.


She is still as desirable to me as when we were teenagers. As she is.

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## MachoMcCoy

help42 said:


> Over the last 10 years she decided she would give me a hand job on our anniversary.


My wife pretty much hates me. Yet she'll give me a BJ pretty much on demand. She'll lad down while I do my thing with her. Titty fock? No problem. She'll work with me. 

Imagine if she LOVED me but just didn't like sex? I'd be the happiest man alive.

If your wife loved you, she'd work with you. She fell out of love and is comfortable with that. Go to your grave with it or do something about it.


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## aine

Help42, have a very honest conversation with her. Get her to read some literature on the needs of men. His Needs Her Needs. Some women think that men's sexual desires diminish as they get older, how wrong are they!

have you told her you desire her as much as you do, she may not feel very sexy or lovable after all she has been through, you have to communicate this to her.


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## help42

We have talked many times. She knows that I still find her to be very attractive. Every time the subject of sex comes up she says I am unrealistic in my expectations at our age. She truly feels this is 100% normal to have a non sexual life at our age. 

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## anchorwatch

@help42, Your W is carrying common misconceptions, and not just about the needs of female and male intimacy. Since she's the low desire person in the relationship she holds the key to the frequency of intimacy. She doesn't grasp that by wielding that power and denying the high desire partner she is damaging both the relationship and the HD partner. She actually sees this as you causing the conflict in the relationship for wanting intimacy when she doesn't. So she doesn't have the marriage she wants either. 

This is why I suggest you find a third party that understands these dynamics to guide you both. Chances are if it comes from you, it will be taken as more of you pushing to do something she doesn't want. This doesn't mean you have no part in this dysfunction. I can't fathom how it took 10 years to get to the point where your only option may be to move on. 

There is some reading available that will enlighten you to these dynamics. The book @aine suggested (His Needs, Her Needs) presents a good understanding of the emotional needs of men and women in a relationship. It did help my W understand my needs. 

I would strongly suggest you read Dr. David Schnarch's "Intimacy & Desire". I have found nothing better to explain, and recover from the age old LD/HD conflict. 

Best


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## BetrayedDad

help42 said:


> She truly feels this is 100% normal to have a non sexual life at our age.


Well she's a fool. She's an old stubborn woman who's decided whatever she thinks applies to everyone. Who cares what an ignorant person thinks? It carries no weight.

You need to start taking ownership in YOUR life. What do YOU think? This is clearly NOT what you want. A life sentence of emotional abandonment. So man up and DO something about it! 

If she's not on board then sail away without her. You need to start making some HARD decisions. You only get one life. Do you really want to finish it out in a sea of resentment?!?

Men don't sit at home pitying themselves. Men take action. Tell her what you want and make it clear that if SHE will not give you the affection you deserve, you WILL find someone else who will. 

Then execute your plan and never regret it a day in your life. There is nothing else left to say. You know what to do deep down. You need to find the courage and conviction to do it. Simple as that.


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## niceguy28

OP this is a tough one. It seems like her medical issues caused this and it's possible that losing her female parts made her feel like less than a woman and thus either chemically or emotionally caused her to lose interest in sexual intimacy. That said 42 years is a long time and you have to ask yourself what you will accomplish by starting over. If I were you I would have one last come to Jesus moment with her. From what you wrote originally it seems like you have done things to try and spur her on but I don't know if you've ever talked to her and figured out the real reasons why she's like this. Does she know how you really feel or have you just been dealing with it and accepting it for the past 10 years.


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## help42

We have had numerous conversations and it always comes back to my unreal expectations of having a seal relation at our age. Which I told her I think she is the delusional one thinking sex stops at 60. 

I hear some saying man up give her the ultimatum then get out. I have tried to be patient over the last ten years. I kept trying things to rekindle the flame but I finally realized I'm beating a dead horse
It's hard walking out after 42 years but I know I can't keep things like they have been over the last 10 years. It's even harder with the cancer. I feeciate el like I would be walking out on her when she needs support the most. 

I appreciate hearing from everyone. It helps to hear from other people. Thanks again

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## help42

help42 said:


> We have had numerous conversations and it always comes back to my unreal expectations of having a seal relation at our age. Which I told her I think she is the delusional one thinking sex stops at 60.
> 
> I hear some saying man up give her the ultimatum then get out. I have tried to be patient over the last ten years. I kept trying things to rekindle the flame but I finally realized I'm beating a dead horse
> It's hard walking out after 42 years but I know I can't keep things like they have been over the last 10 years. It's even harder with the cancer. I feeciate el like I would be walking out on her when she needs support the most.
> 
> I appreciate hearing from everyone. It helps to hear from other people. Thanks again
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Sorry for the fat finger typing mistakes.

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## alte Dame

What are your ages?


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## Hope1964

You have to DO something here. Can you make a decision to DO something? You know things aren't going to change if you just keep doing nothing.

First see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Get something drawn up that you have to give to her. (you can halt proceedings at any time, you know. Many spouses need to be hit over the head, though, and nothing says I MEAN IT like divorce papers)

Schedule an appt with a sex therapist and don't tell your wife about it, then just take here there. If she balks when you get there, tell her that if she leaves, you have divorce papers all ready for her. Then ask the therapist about your issue. (I would suggest letting them in on what you're doing and the fact your wife is being brought under duress in a last ditch effort to save your marriage)


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## bandit.45

help42 said:


> We have talked many times. She knows that I still find her to be very attractive. Every time the subject of sex comes up she says I am unrealistic in my expectations at our age. She truly feels this is 100% normal to have a non sexual life at our age.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Do everything you can to save the marriage before you choose to take drastic measures. A 42 year long marriage is something to be proud of and not something to throw away out of frustration. You are frustrated...I understand completely. 

Have you asked her to go to marriage counseling with you? She definitely has some quirky, old-fashioned ideas about age and sex. Where do you think she got this indoctrination from? Because if you figure it out then you might be able to persuade her differently. 

And how about you? Have you stayed in shape or let yourself go? Maybe she is not as attracted to you as she once was. Take a look at yourself and make sure you are not doing something or appearing some way that turns her off. 

Look I'm not saying you should put up with a sexless marriage. You need sex and she as your wife should be helping you in that department. If she stubbornly refuses to go to counseling or even talk about it, then get some counseling for yourself. Talk to someone and see if they can't give you some insight as to how to get your wife to change her mind. 

But D should be the last resort option. I hate to see any marriage as long and productive as yours go kablooey.


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## GuyInColorado

The OP hasn't done a damn thing in 10 years. What makes you think he'll make a change now? I'll bet my next paycheck he doesn't do anything.

OP... Divorce her, find a girlfriend, or continue to be miserable. Those are your 3 options. I divorced my wife and found someone a month later after separation. Life is too short!


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## Buddy400

BetrayedDad said:


> Well she's dead wrong. Then what the hell does she think you need her for? A roommate?!?
> 
> If she won't change DIVORCE her and find the long overdue passion you deserve.
> 
> Life's too short to put up with selfish people who only care about their needs.
> 
> 1 hand job in 10 years is just beyond ridiculous. It's downright cruel and abusive.


I'd divorce her just on principle. It wouldn't matter if I never found anyone else.


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## Blondilocks

MachoMcCoy said:


> My wife pretty much hates me. Yet she'll give me a BJ pretty much on demand. She'll lad down while I do my thing with her. Titty fock? No problem. She'll work with me.
> 
> Imagine if she LOVED me but just didn't like sex? I'd be the happiest man alive.
> 
> *If your wife loved you, she'd work with you*. She fell out of love and is comfortable with that. Go to your grave with it or do something about it.


I assure you, if your wife hated you, you wouldn't get within ten feet of her for sex. Perhaps, your cause is not lost? The very fact that she will have sex with you tells you that there is opportunity. 

The OP can try with his wife as it seems he does love her. His wife may believe that sex always involves PIV - she can broaden her horizons.


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## help42

alte Dame said:


> What are your ages?


60 and63

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## help42

I have no idea of how she got her ideas about sex. All I know once I say the word sex she throws walls up faster than Donald Trump. 

As far as my appearance I have lost 65 pounds over the last few years. Size was never a factor before. I am hygienic and take pride in my appearance. 

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## help42

The other thing I can't figure out is when we did have sex years ago I made sure she orgasmed first when we had sex. The only time it didn't happen was an occasional quickie, she was happy with a pump and dump. This was very seldom though. Up until the last 10 years we had a very satisfying sex life. 

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## Blondilocks

So, don't say the word 'sex'. How about cuddle, close, intimate, loving? There's bound to be one word that doesn't set off her alarms. Then you can cuddle ... and see where it goes. My guess is she needs some good information with which to work. After that, she just may be sexed out.


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## alte Dame

I am 62 and H is 64. We've always had an active sex life. Right now it's 3 to 4x/week. It's definitely less adventurous, but it's very much there and active.

Your W's ideas are her own. I have friends who also expect an active sex life. One good friend just turned 65 and she is loving the sex in her marriage.

I think you are right and your W is wrong. I would sit her down and insist on a change. What that change is will depend on her. Without sexual satisfaction, you can leave and find it somewhere else.


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## MachoMcCoy

Blondilocks said:


> I assure you, if your wife hated you, you wouldn't get within ten feet of her for sex. Perhaps, your cause is not lost? The very fact that she will have sex with you tells you that there is opportunity.


My wife would have sex with a sloth while I watched if it meant not letting the world know her marriage is a failure.


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## help42

Talked with the wife yesterday. Told her if things didn't change between her and I that I was seriously considering getting a divorce. She blew up saying she couldn't believe I would throw 42 years of marriage away over sex. Said I need help to even considering to go through with that. Said she is to busy staying alive to worry about sex... but she can go out all day shopping and movies. So I don't expect any changes. So I know pretty much what I need to do if I'm ever going to feel the love of a woman again..

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## WorkingOnMe

Could one also argue they cant believe she's throwing away 42 years of marriage over sex?


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## alte Dame

She's projecting her own lack of interest in and need for sex onto you.

I think she's far too absolute in her thinking. For her it is peripheral in her life at best, so that must be true of you. If, then, you demand it, then you are being petty and ridiculous, like filing for divorce because you disagree on the wallpaper patterns in the house. It's that insignificant to her.

You could make a last ditch effort and insist that she read 'His Needs/Her Needs.'

She doesn't understand men and sees no real reason to try.


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## bandit.45

Absolutely right Dame. She does not understand men, and sadly, after 42 years, does not seem to know her husband either.


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## jessi

Hi there, 
I am a woman 60 years old as well and my need for a sex life and touch is there just like it's always been, I have also had difficult health issues.
I think your wife sounds like she is feeling sorry for herself and her situation......
It's easy to be all consumed with your own needs.......I would go back to the beginning. when you first fell in love.......we all have emotional needs that need to be met in order to feel in love and feel that passion for each other.......40 years I am sure you two are lazy about that.

I would suggest blocks of time where it's just you two, talking no tv or radio, enjoying each others company, do something together. having conversations about all kind of things, get her opinion on everything.....make her feel important to you again, not just under the sheets......slowly show affection, don't expect anything back for a while, this will take your effort alone for a while.......do little things for her, leave her notes to find when she won't expect it, keep in contact during the day. Go back to when you had to win her over to be yours......
Light the fire in her again....this happens to a lot of couples ........you have to fill those emotional needs, affection, conversation, recreational enjoyment together, sexual fulfilment. She has to feel wanted again......you have to show her that in every way, every day .......
My guess is you guys are just going through the emotions and not really trying to be in love, passionate love, don't talk about it, just show her, you may be surprised once she falls in love with you again how it may be her coming to you for touch......she just doesn't feel it so her illness has become her excuse.
Never make it about sex, make it about her about you two and your relationship once that is good the sex will come back the touch will come back.


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## SunCMars

notmyrealname4 said:


> Did your wife have a hysterectomy; then, in addition have cancer later on? Or is the hysterectomy a result of having cancer?
> 
> Either way; that's probably been rough on her sense of sexuality and femininity.
> 
> Did she get a total hysterectomy (ovaries and uterus). If her ovaries were taken, then there go most of her sexual hormones.
> 
> So, she might have energy for your extended family and her friends; those relationships won't make sexual demands.
> 
> But she truly might not feel sexual anymore, both hormonally and emotionally.
> 
> That's awful for you. I do sympathize with you, believe me.
> 
> Has she ever been able to talk to you about what something as drastic as a hysterectomy did to her identity as a woman? Did she have HRT afterwards?
> 
> Not getting touch is awful. Something inside you really dies. I'm sorry.


This is the proper answer. The women is now essentially a female eunuch.

I really feel sorry for her. 

But a man needs what he needs.....too....she [apparently] does not feel sorry for him. She mocks him? 

She has been punished by fate. She has no sexual feelings left. 

She is pushing him away in a dismissive manner.

OP needs to re-balance his marriage and his life's balance sheet.....the pluses and minus's. Debits and Credits posted.

He may have to leave her over this. What a shame. He may be forced to minus himself of the missus.


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## b52gnav

help42 said:


> She thinks I'm crazy , she believes at our age that stuff doesn't matter anymore. It is not important. Every time I try to discuss it she tells me I have the problem. She feels it isn't important.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I know exactly how you feel. I've been married 35 years, 16 years ago SHE decided she didn't want sex any longer. Promised hand-jobs but they were half-hearted and she would discuss housework throughout the process. Needless to say this was less than effective...... it was the end of my sex life. Marriage isn't always about sex but it's nice to have (and there's a lot more to the story), I'll be filing for divorce this year.


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## Blondilocks

" Promised hand-jobs but they were half-hearted and she would discuss housework throughout the process."

Sorry, this made me chuckle. The woman doesn't have a CLUE. Is romance a foreign word to her?


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## soccermom2three

I don't understand giving hand jobs instead of PiV. I've seen stuff like this posted before and I don't get it. It sure seems like a lot more work for the person that doesn't even want to do anything sexual anyway. You would think they would want to do the easiest thing possible. Not that I condone just lying there but isn't that way easier than jerking someone off?


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## bandit.45

Damn....

I hate seeing a marriage that has lasted this long go kaput just because one partner wants to be a selfish prude.


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## Catherine602

I see this differently. His wife has cancer and her future is uncertain. She tells her husband that she is fighting to stay alive and that revelation does not stir compassion in him but a resolve to D. What is the status of the cancer? 

It is so poignant that she is tells you that she is struggling to stay alive and you show no concern about her. Are you at all alarmed that she feels she is struggling? Did you ask her why she felt that way? Did yu ask her how you could help?

If you did not realize she was struggling, do you plan to pay attention? Maybe the distance is not about sex but the lack of love and compassion between you two. You seem as careless about her needs as she does about yours except she is struggling for her life. 

She appears to be doing the things that bring her joy, make her happy and feel alive. If her cancer diagnosis is uncertain, you may want to wait to see how your wife does with treatment just out of simple human kindness. If she remains cancer free and appears to be cured, then she will be less stressed and may be able to think more reasonably. If she continues in her beliefs at that time, then consider D. 

This woman has shared your life for over 40 yrs and you want to check out while she feels she is struggling to stay alive. Find out what her struggles are and help her out of compassion and empathy. This has nothing to do with you having sex or contemplation of D, it's what you do. 

You want her to give you what you feel you need no matter how she feels but are you willing to give her what she needs no matter how you feel? Right now she may just need a partner who is life affirming and loving with both feet in the relationship.


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## bandit.45

Good points Catherine.


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## larry.gray

She hasn't been fighting cancer for a decade, has she? It is a crappy time for her to go now. But then no time is a good time to leave.

She's gotten 9 years more than I would have given her.


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## GusPolinski

help42 said:


> She thinks I'm crazy , she believes at our age that stuff doesn't matter anymore. It is not important. *Every time I try to discuss it she tells me I have the problem.* She feels it isn't important.


She's right.

You have a wife that doesn't love or cherish you, at least not in any way that's actually meaningful.

In short, your wife _is_ the problem.

Know how you fix that?

By making her _not_ your wife.


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## GuyInColorado

b52gnav said:


> I know exactly how you feel. I've been married 35 years, 16 years ago SHE decided she didn't want sex any longer. Promised hand-jobs but they were half-hearted and she would discuss housework throughout the process. Needless to say this was less than effective...... it was the end of my sex life. Marriage isn't always about sex but it's nice to have (and there's a lot more to the story), I'll be filing for divorce this year.


Why didn't you file 10-16 years ago?


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## btterflykisses

help42 said:


> We have been married for 42 years. Our life was always really good and full of love and passion. About 15 years ago the wife had a hysterectomy. From that point her passion slowly dwindled until 10 years ago then totally stopped. She decided she was done with sex. Over the last 10 years she decided she would give me a hand job on our anniversary. Only tome in 10 years she has touched me. I have tried everything imaginable to help her. Trips, flowers, special dinners, nothing worked, I asked but never no change. 2 years ago she had cancer, had a major surgery, has gone through numerous treatments. She is now maintaining her own. She has plenty of strength to go out with our adult children but still no strength for me. Still no desire on her part.
> 
> I may be old but still desire the love and passion of a woman. I feel I may miss any remaining happiness in my life if I stay, but wonder if I am justified in wanting to move on.
> 
> I have so many emotions running through my head I'm afraid to make a sudden decision that I may regret down the road.
> 
> Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk



You need to tell her that you have feelings and desires too. If she is not willing to be affectionate and loving you don't want a hand job either. Sorry but that is just awful you should have told her that the moment she mentioned it.


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## anchorwatch

Okay then. I guess counseling isn't an option. 

Good luck, 42

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## Evinrude58

A hand job on your anniversary for the last 10 years? Hmmmm, seems clear this woman doesn't love you. I hate to see 42 years go away, but you only have one life, and your wife doesn't seem interested in whether she is with you or not.
If your wife loved you as she should, she would make it a point to do her best to satisfy your needs. And, you may not get sex, but you damn well would get LOADS of affection. Do you get snuggling, hand holding, back rubs, foot rubs, shoulder rubs, ANY KIND of physical affection?

If not, then the answer is clear. Your wife is not interested in you anymore. She is not keeping up her end of the marriage contract (loving, cherishing, etc.) and it has therefore been nullified by her. You are therefore excused, I think. 
Go find yourself someone who cares about you.


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## MachoMcCoy

b52gnav said:


> I've been married 35 years, 16 years ago SHE decided she didn't want sex any longer. Promised hand-jobs but they were half-hearted and she would discuss housework throughout the process.





Blondilocks said:


> The woman doesn't have a CLUE. Is romance a foreign word to her?


She very much has a clue. Odd how when the wife who ostensibly is giving up sex any time we men want it is surprised we don't take it after a while. In my situation, "indentured sex servitude" is one of the kinder ways of describing the sensation after a while. No thanks.

The more my wife pretended to enjoy it the more I wanted it. The more she turned herself into a sex slave (and not in a good way), the less I bothered her. 

She very much has a clue.


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## BetrayedDad

bandit.45 said:


> Damn....
> 
> I hate seeing a marriage that has lasted this long go kaput just because one partner wants to be a selfish prude.


It's only been this long because he didn't bail YEARS ago like he should have.

Better divorced in your 30s than your 60s. This guy's a textbook case.

People don't change. Someone this sexually callous was no sex kitten in her youth.

Bail OP. The cancer is an excuse and your resentment is too deep to repair.

The clocks ticking for you too.


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## Catherine602

It's easy to focus on sex and lose sight of the quality of the relationship as a whole. She may love him even if she does not want to have sex. There may be other problems in the relationship that were ignored for years. 

One factor that may be important is the type of cancer, the nature of treatment and the odds that it is cured. That was not mentioned. Not having sex for 10 yrs does not strip her of her humanity or the need for kindness and understanding. He can D and still treat her with compassion because of the seriousness of the illness she had and the effect that it has had on her. 

OP I think you should at lest consider your role in the breakdown in the relationship. I don't think marital problems are always 50:50, it could be you played only a 30% role in the breakdown. 

Identifying your role in developing the distance between you and your wife and making yourself a better partner can only help you in your future relationships. 

You hung in there for 10 yrs and that says something good about you.


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## larry.gray

Catherine602 said:


> One factor that may be important is the type of cancer, the nature of treatment and the odds that it is cured. That was not mentioned. Not having sex for 10 yrs does not strip her of her humanity or the need for kindness and understanding. He can D and still treat her with compassion because of the seriousness of the illness she had and the effect that it has had on her.


I may have missed it... I don't recall anyone saying he should treat her badly. 

There is no reason to be anything other than as kind as possible. She's probably going to be broken hearted over this. They have a family they created together and they will always be connected by that. The best case is for everyone to be together at family functions, not hate filled and divisive.


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## Catherine602

@larry.gray Are we reading the same thread? As far as I remember, the "dump her" posts make no mention of her disease. Neither was there a question about his apparent dismissive attitude towards her disease.


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## help42

I do not have a dismissive attitude towards her illness, but it's frustrating she has energy for everything but me

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## Hicks

You need to follow through.
For 10 years you tolerated it. Yes you complained but she won every argument over 10 years considering her viewpoint was maintained.
If she sees you moving the process of divorcce along , she could very well change her world view.

Pretty much the only thing I would say to her is "Wife, I have found that in our marriage that if something is important to you, that I better treat it as important to me. You cannot seem to place any importance on something that is important to me. If I see that change, I will reconsider the divorce process:.


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## Hope1964

Hope1964 said:


> You have to DO something here. Can you make a decision to DO something?


So I guess the answer to this is NO.


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## help42

The answer is after 42 years I'm not just walking out but I am talking with an attorney on the best way to go about it. 

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## Catherine602

Hicks said:


> You need to follow through.
> For 10 years you tolerated it. Yes you complained but she won every argument over 10 years considering her viewpoint was maintained.
> If she sees you moving the process of divorcce along , she could very well change her world view.
> 
> Pretty much the only thing I would say to her is "Wife, I have found that in our marriage that if something is important to you, that I better treat it as important to me. You cannot seem to place any importance on something that is important to me. If I see that change, I will reconsider the divorce process:.


You are either committed to making your marriage work or you are out. If you are working on it then put all of your mental and physical energy in. 

Give the "working on the marriage" phase a reasonable amount of time and have benchmarks along the way. If you're not hitting your goals along the way then review and change. When time runs out, put your energies into the "orderly exit" phase. 

Going to your wife to tell her that you want her to do something or you will D is disadvantageous to you both. If she complies, it is not out of love but to avoid D. She may be a really good actress and fool you for a couple of years. By the time you figure it out, you'll be closer to 50 yrs of marriage than 40. 

I think it is worth it to go to your wife with a well thought out plan and when you are calm. Let her know what you want to accomplish in maybe 6 month or a year. If she thinks your plan is crazy then you know where you stand. 

Holding D over her head will not work. Having a plan and an execution strategy may work if you put some effort into it. It's worth your while to be all in until you are not. 

Maybe you have had problems committing totally and taking responsibility for maintaining the emotional intimacy of the relationship. If that is true, it's important for you to develop these vital relationship skills.


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## SunCMars

Catherine602 said:


> This woman has shared your life for over 40 yrs and you want to check out while she feels she is struggling to stay alive. Find out what her struggles are and help her out of compassion and empathy. This has nothing to do with you having sex or contemplation of D, it's what you do.
> 
> You want her to give you what you feel you need no matter how she feels but are you willing to give her what she needs no matter how you feel? Right now she may just need a partner who is life affirming and loving with both feet in the relationship.


This IS the right answer.

Through thick and thin. Sickness and in health.

Few of us are Saints. 

Shame burns only those who see and know... The Truth.


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## Hope1964

help42 said:


> The answer is after 42 years I'm not just walking out but I am talking with an attorney on the best way to go about it.


OK good, that's a good first step. What exactly are you talking about though? What is the 'it' you are going about?


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## help42

Giving him my situation. Letting go him give me an idea how much he of a hit I'm going to take getting a divorce. I know I'm going to get slapped financially because of her illness. Just waiting on his advice how to proceed 

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## help42

Getting him to give me an idea. Sorry fat fingers

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## Hope1964

OK cool. When do you see the lawyer?


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## help42

Next Wednesday

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## Catherine602

Why hesitate, on balance you get the better deal, right. You get to spend your half of the marital assets to create a new life. However, your wife needs the money for Dr.'s fees to treat a life threatening illness. Not many men would be able to continence leaving a wife of 40 years ill and destitute, even if the last 10 yrs were sexless. 

You wanted to have sex because you loved her, am I correct? Love does not vanish instantly. Remember, she is not just a sex partner, she is a human being who is struggling. Dig deep and act with compassion and kindness, she deserves that at this difficult time.


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## Hope1964

Good - no sense waiting.

I get what other posters are saying about her being sick and all, but it sounds to me like you've been putting up with this for longer than she's been sick, and her reaction to trying to talk about it isn't promising either.


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## Abc123wife

Catherine602 said:


> Why hesitate, on balance you get the better deal, right. You get to spend your half of the marital assets to create a new life. However, your wife needs the money for Dr.'s fees to treat a life threatening illness. Not many men would be able to continence leaving a wife of 40 years ill and destitute, even if the last 10 yrs were sexless.
> 
> You wanted to have sex because you loved her, am I correct? *Love does not vanish instantly.* Remember, she is not just a sex partner, she is a human being who is struggling. Dig deep and act with compassion and kindness, she deserves that at this difficult time.


Have you been reading his posts? 
"I have tried everything imaginable to help her. Trips, flowers, special dinners, nothing worked, I asked but never no change. 2 years ago she had cancer, had a major surgery, has gone through numerous treatments. She is now maintaining her own."

Love doesn't vanish instantly, but it surely can fade slowly to nothing after 10 years of neglect from his wife! She hasn't cared in the least for his emotional well-being during all those years. He has tried it all and has now waited out her illness. She is maintaining now and he doesn't want to waste another 10 years. 

What do you suggest he do? Continue to give her his all while she gives nothing in return? Should he still hold hope that she shows some miraculous sign of a caring, loving wife? She already told him outright that that will not happen. 

She will have half of everything to take care of her needs if she the cancer returns. What more can he do that he hasn't already done?


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## Catherine602

Hope1964 said:


> Good - no sense waiting.
> 
> I get what other posters are saying about her being sick and all, but it sounds to me like you've been putting up with this for longer than she's been sick, and her reaction to trying to talk about it isn't promising either.


He has a legitimate reason for D. Her illness is an important factor though. I don't think lack of sex should harden the heart towards a women he has lived with for 42 years. 

His attitude towards his wife's illness may indicate the type of person his is, his capacity for intimacy and giving.



Abc123wife said:


> Have you been reading his posts?
> "I have tried everything imaginable to help her. Trips, flowers, special dinners, nothing worked, I asked but never no change. 2 years ago she had cancer, had a major surgery, has gone through numerous treatments. She is now maintaining her own."
> 
> Love doesn't vanish instantly, but it surely can fade slowly to nothing after 10 years of neglect from his wife! She hasn't cared in the least for his emotional well-being during all those years. He has tried it all and has now waited out her illness. She is maintaining now and he doesn't want to waste another 10 years.
> 
> What do you suggest he do? Continue to give her his all while she gives nothing in return? Should he still hold hope that she shows some miraculous sign of a caring, loving wife? She already told him outright that that will not happen.
> 
> She will have half of everything to take care of her needs if she the cancer returns. What more can he do that he hasn't already done?


Read my post over again and then answer those questions. 

My interpretation of his posts was that he was still trying to have sex up until recently. Men say they want sex because they love so I thought he loved her. 

I wanted to know if his love ended abruptly when the possibility of sex was null. There are so many posts about the sex love-connection for men but the premise does not give a consistent picture. 

If he did not love her in the first place, that may be why she did not care to have sex with him. 

He mentioned being concerned with himself and that she would take too much of the marital assets. He didn't mention anything about an equal split. 

From the way he framed the concern, it seems her sad and serious illness is a financial stumbling block for him. He expressed no concern that his wife might not have enough funds to live on and to get treatment. Must be hard for her.


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## Hope1964

It's hard for both of them. But unless there's a physical disability of some sort that prevents her from accommodating a penis in her vagina or mouth or hand, what possible reason is there for never having sex with your husband????????


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## Abc123wife

Catherine602 said:


> He has a legitimate reason for D. Her illness is an important factor though. I don't think lack of sex should harden the heart towards a women he has lived with for 42 years.
> 
> His attitude towards his wife's illness may indicate the type of person his is, his capacity for intimacy and giving.
> 
> 
> 
> Read my post over again and then answer those questions.
> 
> My interpretation of his posts was that he was still trying to have sex up until recently. Men say they want sex because they love so I thought he loved her.
> 
> I wanted to know if his love ended abruptly when the possibility of sex was null. There are so many posts about the sex love-connection for men but the premise does not give a consistent picture.
> 
> If he did not love her in the first place, that may be why she did not care to have sex with him.
> 
> He mentioned being concerned with himself and that she would take too much of the marital assets. He didn't mention anything about an equal split.
> 
> From the way he framed the concern, it seems her sad and serious illness is a financial stumbling block for him. He expressed no concern that his wife might not have enough funds to live on and to get treatment. Must be hard for her.


If he didn't love her at all and equated sex for love, don't you think he would have left 10 years ago? NO sex at all for the past 10 years! Do you think his wife has some burning love for him? Any love at all for him or is she just a companion and roommate? 

It would be assumed that in any state that after 42 years of marriage, there would be a 50/50 split. Where did you get the idea that he wanted to leave her destitute and unable to take care of herself? He has been with her through 2 years of treatment and she now has reached the point of maintaining her health, running around shopping, and has time for family and friends. Doesn't sound like she is on her death bed and unable to pay her bills!


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## help42

Catherine first off I loved this woman more than anything. I gave of myself for years to her wants and needs. She always came first in our relationship. For whatever reason she dicided to stop relations in our marriage 10 years ago, she never discussed the subject with me. Prior to this our sex life was fantastic. So after her loss of sexual feelings I did everything possible to rekindle the flame. Nothing and I mean nothing. 

Then she became I'll I backed off totally and supported her 110%. Recently she is holding her own and still wants nothing to do with me. 

So I feel I have given her more than enough opportunity to respond to me. So I feel my decision is justified.

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## Catherine602

@Hope1964 You are thinking about this sex thing all wrong. 

It's not her providing him the use of her body parts. I see it more as making sex as good for her as it is for him. Her servicing him is unworkable as a concept and a bad way to approach sex. The next woman in his life won't be interested in one way sex very long if at all. 

There is no reason why a hj can't be the man stimulating the woman first. A bj I can be mutual, he gives her and then she gives him. Both people are satisfied otherwise, why have sex it means giving an orgasm and not getting one?


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## Hope1964

Where did I say the sex was all one sided???


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## farsidejunky

Hope1964 said:


> Where did I say the sex was all one sided???


For that matter, where did he say that?
Frankly, I don't even see how it can be inferred.

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## Catherine602

help42 said:


> Catherine first off I loved this woman more than anything. I gave of myself for years to her wants and needs. She always came first in our relationship. For whatever reason she dicided to stop relations in our marriage 10 years ago, she never discussed the subject with me. Prior to this our sex life was fantastic. So after her loss of sexual feelings I did everything possible to rekindle the flame. Nothing and I mean nothing.
> 
> Then she became I'll I backed off totally and supported her 110%. Recently she is holding her own and still wants nothing to do with me.
> 
> So I feel I have given her more than enough opportunity to respond to me. So I feel my decision is justified.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I agree, you are justified. It's just sad to know that she will lose you at this point in your lives and that she is ill at the same time. Has the cancer affected her ability to enjoy sex?

I guess I feel more compassion for her than I do you. She may not be at death door now but with cancer, holding your own is not a cure. She said something to the effect that the disease is lapping at her heals. She is right. From my view, lack of sex seems to pale in comparison but that's me. 

You will not mention the type or stage of the cancer. A two year fight must have been difficult and seems to indicate that the prognosis is not optimal.

The fact that she did not have sex for 10 yrs is bad but it does not make her an terrible person. I wish you and your STBX the very best.


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## Catherine602

Hope1964 said:


> It's hard for both of them. But unless there's a physical disability of some sort that prevents her from accommodating a penis in her vagina or mouth or hand, what possible reason is there for never having sex with your husband????????





Hope1964 said:


> Where did I say the sex was all one sided???


Sorry if I misinterpreted the above. I though hj and bj were one sided. Vaginal accommodation, too unpleasant to think that anyone would be expected to do that. 

It's an observation from my point of view. It seem's to be verboten to speak these things but there you are. It's culturally acceptable to say what you said but unacceptable for me to make a comment about it. 

End of jack.


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## soccermom2three

Remember people you're only as good as your last few years not a lifetime together.


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## Thor

Catherine602 said:


> She said something to the effect that the disease is lapping at her heals. She is right. From my view, lack of sex seems to pale in comparison but that's me.


Old age and death are lapping at his heels, too.

At his age, good health is at risk every single day. His sexual health is waning even if his overall health is good. His earning ability is waning.

I feel this in my mid 50's. It is simply a very different situation than being in one's 20's or 30's when there is a seemingly infinite amount of future ahead. If he were 35 and his wife was in this situation, sure he has little to lose by hanging with her out of compassion for another year or two. But today he is risking his own future very much by staying with her.

She has apparently shown him little to no compassion about his needs, both emotional and physical, in this marriage for a decade or more. I don't think he owes her anything at this point other than honesty.


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## Openminded

Certainly death can come in your 60's -- it's not uncommon. My ex-husband died last month. His death was unexpected in one sense but expected in another sense (he had long-standing heart issues) and occurred almost three years to the day from my filing date. At the time I filed I was under tremendous pressure from family and friends to remain in my 45 year marriage until the natural end. As it turned out, the natural end would have been three years off but my ex-husband also could have lived another fifteen years. Or I could have died first. 

We obviously don't know how much time we have left but when you get into your 60's you begin carefully weighing that time. Some people will wait it out -- and hope they are the survivor and still healthy when the natural end happens -- but some won't and will get out. 

Very long marriages aren't necessarily happy. Often they're just very long.


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## Catherine602

@Thor we differ in that I feel that my behavior is informed by my set of morals and character and does not change based on what someone does to me. 

My character and morals may be atrocious and my compassion puny but they come from the heart. If he cannot muster up some compassion for his wife of 42 yrs now, it says something about the type of person he is and has been during the marriage.

I remember your post about your marriage. From your actions, I know you are a high caliber man. Is it not too much to advise this man to temper his attitude towards his wife? His wife hurt him deeply for a long time. There is no question that D is the right thing for him. 

She subsequently got a life threatening illness. He can get his revenge by showing her how little he cares about her just as she did to him. However, once bitterness and spite seeps into the heart, it will be difficult to purge. It will leak out in the next relationship. 

Being kind to her now would require a bit of unconditional love. There were several post that mentioned his wife should have shown him unconditional love by having sex aha she did not want. Yet, the same posters advise him to deny her simple compassion and kindness when she needs it now. 

See the problem? See how difficult it is to understand and practice love unconditionally? It is expected when it benefits the receiver but idea of giving it is so foreign that it isn't even considered.


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## WorkingOnMe

Catherine if you truly had compassion for her you would see that all evidence points to the fact that she doesn't love him and hasn't for a very long time. Divorce would be his biggest kindness.


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## Catherine602

Catherine602 said:


> @Thor His wife hurt him deeply for a long time. There is no question that D is the right thing for him.
> .





WorkingOnMe said:


> Catherine if you truly had compassion for her you would see that all evidence points to the fact that she doesn't love him and hasn't for a very long time. Divorce would be his biggest kindness.


Then it appears that I do really have compassion for her since I have more than once on this thread, indicated that I support his decision to D. You are not listening. 

I've worked very hard on getting a balanced view of men and I am still working. 

It makes me feel hopeless that my attempts to share what I think I've learned is uniformly ignored or dismissed or deliberately misinterpreted. Thank you for understanding.


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## farsidejunky

Catherine602 said:


> Then it appears that I do really have compassion for her since I have more than once on this thread, indicated that I support his decision to D. You are not listening.
> 
> I've worked very hard on getting a balanced view of men and I am still working.
> 
> It makes me feel hopeless that my attempts to share what I think I've learned is uniformly ignored or dismissed or deliberately misinterpreted. Thank you for understanding.


I have seen you trigger in a couple of threads. They seem to be centered around marriages ending due to sexlessness (this one, the one from the Air Force guy in Europe, etc.).

There are several people on this forum who truly struggle to both sympathize and empathize with the opposite sex. I can only imagine that is from either past hurt or power dynamic perception.

I would just ask this:

If your husband neglected your primary need for 10 years, would you remain with him? If so, why? 





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## bandit.45

Openminded said:


> Certainly death can come in your 60's -- it's not uncommon. My ex-husband died last month. His death was unexpected in one sense but expected in another sense (he had long-standing heart issues) and occurred almost three years to the day from my filing date. At the time I filed I was under tremendous pressure from family and friends to remain in my 45 year marriage until the natural end. As it turned out, the natural end would have been three years off but my ex-husband also could have lived another fifteen years. Or I could have died first.
> 
> We obviously don't know how much time we have left but when you get into your 60's you begin carefully weighing that time. Some people will wait it out -- and hope they are the survivor and still healthy when the natural end happens -- but some won't and will get out.
> 
> Very long marriages aren't necessarily happy. Often they're just very long.


My condolences. I know he was your ex but that still has to hurt.


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## alte Dame

farsidejunky said:


> I would just ask this:
> 
> If your husband neglected your primary need for 10 years, would you remain with him? If so, why?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


For me, this is dependent on circumstances & an important circumstance is the different life experience of men vs. women.

TAM helps me to at least find some understanding of the male perspective, but as a woman, I will never feel the male viewpoint in the same, personal way. It is an intellectual understanding, not a natural, visceral one.

There are many circumstances that would keep me in a marriage that ignored my primary need (which is love/affection/intimate conversation). Financial requirements; serious illness; special needs children, etc.

I am such a fortunate woman, though, in that I live in a time and place and have family circumstances that don't force a decision like the above on me. In short, I am free to decide to move on if my basic needs are not met. I am financially independent, my kids are grown, and I live in a relatively peaceful, prosperous place.

Given this, I would leave rather than stay in the marriage.

Would I stay in a sexless marriage, all of the above being true? I don't believe I would. Sex is not my primary need, but it is important.

If my husband were ill and uninterested in sex, I would definitely stay. I think I can say I would definitely stay.

So, circumstances are varied and critical for me.


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## Openminded

bandit.45 said:


> My condolences. I know he was your ex but that still has to hurt.


Thanks, bandit. I appreciate that. It really did hurt. I was surprised just how much it did. I was unprepared because I thought I had put all that behind me but I hadn't. It's been six weeks and I'm still coming to terms with the idea that I'll never get another text or email from him or see him again at family functions. I remember that handsome 18 year old boy I met one sunny, spring day long ago and wonder where on earth those decades went. 

I joined TAM to especially support older women considering divorce after very long marriages like mine. I was very happy with my life after my divorce and thought I had completely healed. But my ex-husband's death last month has shown me I have more work to do.


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## help42

Openminded , my condolences as well. I don't think you ever would forget after that long. I know that's why I stuck around so long, always hoping to find what we once had. It hurts me to know those days and feelings are long gone. 

I hope you continue to find your new life enjoyable! 

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## Openminded

Thanks, help42. I'm afraid I was a little too smug about so quickly bouncing back after my divorce and I've been reminded I should have been a little more humble (my ex-husband would have smiled at that and said "Of course, you were smug -- not surprised at all"). I have been very happy since my divorce and I'm sure I'll bounce back soon. Equally important, he was happy in his new marriage and I'm glad for that. 

It definitely is hard to let go of a very long marriage. There's no getting around the difficulty of ending all those decades together. Not something any of us ever thought we'd be doing at this point in our lives. But there certainly can be a very happy life once you let go. You'll find it too.


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## alte Dame

I think you're an inspiration, Openminded. A real credit to your screen name.


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## Openminded

That's very kind of you, AD. It's definitely been a journey I never wanted to take. 

I do like to think I'm open-minded (smiling) but there are many threads I pass by because they bring out the less-than-helpful, impatient side of me. Occasionally I'll get caught up in a thread I then have to leave before I say something I shouldn't. 

The truth is that TAM has helped me far more than I may have given others. My passage wouldn't have been nearly as easy without the support of TAM.


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## Thor

Catherine602 said:


> @Thor we differ in that I feel that my behavior is informed by my set of morals and character and does not change based on what someone does to me.
> 
> My character and morals may be atrocious and my compassion puny but they come from the heart. If he cannot muster up some compassion for his wife of 42 yrs now, it says something about the type of person he is and has been during the marriage.
> 
> I remember your post about your marriage. From your actions, I know you are a high caliber man. Is it not too much to advise this man to temper his attitude towards his wife? His wife hurt him deeply for a long time. There is no question that D is the right thing for him.
> 
> She subsequently got a life threatening illness. He can get his revenge by showing her how little he cares about her just as she did to him. However, once bitterness and spite seeps into the heart, it will be difficult to purge. It will leak out in the next relationship.
> 
> Being kind to her now would require a bit of unconditional love. There were several post that mentioned his wife should have shown him unconditional love by having sex aha she did not want. Yet, the same posters advise him to deny her simple compassion and kindness when she needs it now.
> 
> See the problem? See how difficult it is to understand and practice love unconditionally? It is expected when it benefits the receiver but idea of giving it is so foreign that it isn't even considered.


I believe he has shown her compassion for a very long time. He stuck with her through her cancer. Even before her cancer he didn't just bail out when his needs weren't being met. Instead he tried for many years to create a decent marriage, which would be to her benefit as well. 

At this point, as I understand it, she has recovered and is cancer free or is in remission. She is not actively fighting the cancer. Her death is not imminent, and she does not require ongoing care from him. She is feeling time may be short for her, as is common after going through such an illness. There may well be some timeline such as 5 yrs after which the life expectancy improves dramatically.

He can continue to be compassionate yet still divorce her. He doesn't have to try to demolish her financially in a divorce. He can continue to act caring and to be friendly with her.


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## highwood

The thing is though if he leaves her then people on the outside tend to say stuff such as .....what a jerk...here she has health issues and he goes and leaves her...

I don't agree with that...but a lot of people think that....


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## Thor

Let 'em think or say that. It isn't his life they are living. He has to do what is right for himself, not what others want him to do.


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## Hope1964

After 7 pages I still cannot fathom how your wife has done what she has done, or how anyone can do such a thing. To have a good or even great sex life for decades, then to suddenly just shut it down for no apparent reason, and to refuse to talk about it? That's just cruel. It really is.


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## highwood

Hope1964 said:


> After 7 pages I still cannot fathom how your wife has done what she has done, or how anyone can do such a thing. To have a good or even great sex life for decades, then to suddenly just shut it down for no apparent reason, and to refuse to talk about it? That's just cruel. It really is.


But it happens a lot...sadly people just assume that their spouse will be okay with it...

I listen to Dr. Laura a lot on satellite and she always tells husbands/wives that if your spouse refuses sex that you have to tell them that they then should be okay with watching porn or getting a hooker or a girl/boy friend on the side....ask them to pick which option they want you to do...


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## Hope1964

highwood said:


> But it happens a lot..


I know. :frown2:


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## help42

It's not a fun situation to be in. But it's my fault I waited so long. 

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## Openminded

It's because we tend to be optimistic that things will get better. My divorce wasn't due to a sex issue -- it was a cheating issue and when it first happened over 30 years ago I did think about divorce but didn't want to break our family up. Big mistake. Because 30 years later she was back in our lives again (or else never completely left). And despite his chronic heart issues, I divorced him. So I know well what it's like to divorce a spouse with health issues that are likely never going away (and there was tremendous pressure from everyone I knew to stay -- for various reasons -- to the point that even three years later I no longer speak to a couple of them). But, yes, we do continue to hope things will improve right up to the moment we realize we've been fooling ourselves.


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## help42

Quick update on things, filed for divorce today. I will see if happiness does exist.

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## farsidejunky

Keep posting, brother. This will get worse before it gets better.


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## Sammy64

help42 said:


> Quick update on things, filed for divorce today. I will see if happiness does exist.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


yes, it does !!


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## Lostinthought61

how is she taking the divorce


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## Tron

Does she know?

Or is she going to blow up again when she gets served?


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## help42

We are doing a simple dissolution of marriage. We both went to the clerk of courts and filed. Will be final in 6 weeks. 

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## help42

She says she is hurt, but never once did the word love come out of her mouth.

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## sokillme

b52gnav said:


> I know exactly how you feel. I've been married 35 years, 16 years ago SHE decided she didn't want sex any longer. Promised hand-jobs but they were half-hearted and she would discuss housework throughout the process. Needless to say this was less than effective...... it was the end of my sex life. Marriage isn't always about sex but it's nice to have (and there's a lot more to the story), I'll be filing for divorce this year.


WTH. This is just selfish. Why do you stay?


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## Tron

help42 said:


> She says she is hurt, but never once did the word love come out of her mouth.


That alone says everything you need to know.


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## Hope1964

There must be something more going on here. Who lives with someone for 42 years and just lets the marriage dissolve like that without even doing anything about it???

Is your wife mentally challenged? Is she sick? Is she cheating? Are you cheating?

This just makes absolutely no sense.


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## help42

You don't know the half of it but yet you want to challenge our mental capacity. Things happen. Maybe I'm a slow learner, but the good thing I eventually wised up. 

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## alte Dame

I wish you well, OP. I know this was a hard decision, but it almost sounds like it was mutual (?).

You are not as old as your W thinks you are. I hope you find the love and intimacy that you seek.


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## Hope1964

help42 said:


> You don't know the half of it but yet you want to challenge our mental capacity. Things happen. Maybe I'm a slow learner, but the good thing I eventually wised up.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I'm not challenging your mental capacity - sorry it came across that way. What I am is completely aghast at what your wife has done - that's why I am wondering what more there is going on.


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## Openminded

Very long marriages aren't always happy marriages. Sometimes when one spouse brings up divorce then the other spouse quickly agrees -- even though that other spouse would never have brought up divorce on his/her own. I know of a couple of those situations at the moment (and it's the wife waiting it out in both instances so she doesn't have to bear the disapproval of family and friends for ending a very long marriage). You just never know.


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