# Realizing why my actions hurt so much, and how to heal the BS



## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Alright, so Juicer and I had our first, ACTUAL, marital counseling meeting. I couldn't believe he actually agreed! 
And I learned a lot about him. And it pains me realizing why he took my cheating so badly, and I now understand why it tore him up so much. 
And what hurts me the most, is that I had to have a counselor to learn why. We should've been able to share our problems with each other, but he just ignored his old life. And I asked him if he was planning on talking about the session here, but he told me he doesn't plan to. The site has been triggering him lately. 
I am so scared that this stupid counseling took us a step backwards! I feel like it reopened old wounds that he had long ago, buried, and never wanted to remember. 

He was about to break down crying during the session. I learned that sadly, I betrayed the only love he has. 

He feels like his father resented him, and says that is a reason he got involved in steroids. At 17! He wanted to prove to his father he was a man. So sounds like he has retreated to steroids more than once. 
Plus the rest of his family just tore him up, and he felt so unloved. 

So when he finally found someone that could give him the love he so craved, he would do anything for that person. And I hate knowing that I destroyed the only love he felt in life!

When we left for the session, he felt happy and care-free. A little tense, but he was smiling. And now he seems like a lost puppy. I think that stupid counselor took us a step backwards! 

I know I ripped his heart out, but I want to show him I plan to do everything to pick it up and fix it! Is there anyway I can help to show him this? Because I am afraid this counselor just made him question his decision to attempt to reconcile!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You gotta open the old wounds in order to properly heal them.

Continue to be there for him, and I think you guys will be ok.

Assuming his liver doesn't give out on him.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> You gotta open the old wounds in order to properly heal them.
> 
> Continue to be there for him, and I think you guys will be ok.
> 
> Assuming his liver doesn't give out on him.


Yea, but I never realized how big his old wounds are. 

I think his father never considered him a man. And that eats him up, and I think that is what drove him to steroids. To prove to his dad that he can be a man. Plus, I do remember a few times when I met his father, his dad did call him a disappointment. At the time it didn't like it ate at him, but I think he just grew use to it. Numb almost. I imagine that would eat up a lot of guys.

Plus he could also never please his mom. I did meet her a few times. He told me she expected 100's on everything, and he felt like everything he did in her eyes was wrong. 

And I could tell that counselor took a toll on him. The counselor also talked with both of us separatly, away from each other. I have no idea what he told him! I feel like the counselor told him something that isn't helping him! But he won't talk to me about it, and I don't want to push it.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You're just going to have to be patient. 

Remember, marriage counselors are not in the business of trying to throw a fork into marriages. 

They make their living off of fixing things.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

wow, I hope Juicer can get back to a normal life. I am sure he will never get over what happened and it will eat at him for a long time. You have to give him a lot of time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Good morning, RW.

It's going to be a long, hard road. 

He'll need a lot of help to travel it. Hopefully, you'll be the one who can help him.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Welcome back!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> And it pains me realizing why he took my cheating so badly,


That's a curious thing to say. Exactly how did you think he would take it? Is there an alternative to taking it badly? I can hardly think of a situation where a spouse just shrugs his shoulders at the notion of the betrayal.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

RW
You sound serious about making it up to him. You will need additional help in doing this. I am glad to read where you said




> Quote of RW
> and I now understand why it tore him up so much.


That means that you admit that you need help.

Put on you seat belt. You husband has been dealt a terrible blow by his parents and now you have added an extra hard kick. If you are going to commit to stick it out and keep k helping your husband then get strong because you will get rejected and disappointed a lot. He is not about to open up his heart and hope that it does not get stopped into a SHYT hole again.

If both of you will listed to good counseling and then DO WHAT THEY SAY even if you do not want to, then you will make it. 

If you both commit yourself to go through the pain then you can make a huge difference if you “…do everything to pick it up and fix it” Just know that you will have to be committed and will take an emotional beating for quite along time. Your husband is going to have to do his part or the whole thing will fall apart.





> Quote by RW
> I know I ripped his heart out, but I want to show him I plan to do everything to pick it up and fix it! Is there anyway I can help to show him this?


*Buckle up, get strong, be willing to get emotionally kicked in the heart, and keep your eye on the years to come rather than the days that you get hurt.*


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

costa200 said:


> That's a curious thing to say. Exactly how did you think he would take it? Is there an alternative to taking it badly? I can hardly think of a situation where a spouse just shrugs his shoulders at the notion of the betrayal.


Well obviously there is no good way to take it!
But I can't imagine what he felt when I told him. The pain must have been horribly magnified. 
He didn't feel loved by his mother or his father, so the one person in the world that is to love him just did the ultimate hurt. And I fear this counselor just made him reopen those wounds. 

I don't think he wants to face this. He just wanted to forget about them. But I don't think the counselor wants him to. He wants him to confront all the pain before he begins healing. 
And from the way he reacted last night, and the little talking we did, I don't think he wants to. 

Plus I saw his profile picture. He drew that last night. And left it in the scanner. Only way I found it.
I am the biggest crack in his heart. 

EDIT:
And he left his wedding ring on the bar this morning. I honestly hope he just forgot to put it on, but when I saw that, I started crying.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

regretful wife said:


> So when he finally found someone that could give him the love he so craved, he would do anything for that person. And I hate knowing that I destroyed the only love he felt in life!


It's sad that you only realize that now.

I do think counseling can actually push a person on the edge to leave. 

When the counselor told me my cheating spouse had very narcissitic traits that scared me. 

I always felt that he was selfish and self absorbed, but the counselor verifying it for me, made me think twice about R.

Narcissitic disorders are impossible to cure, based on the literature.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

regretful wife said:


> And I could tell that counselor took a toll on him. The counselor also talked with both of us separatly, away from each other. I have no idea what he told him! I feel like the counselor told him something that isn't helping him! But he won't talk to me about it, and I don't want to push it.


Don't forget the counselor is their to help both of you find your way. 

BTW: no counselor can save a marriage in distress.

Counseling only helps facilitate discussion without the two parties killing each other.

Is not a magic cure for infidelity.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

All you can do (really, all any WS can do, and, in the final analysis, all ANY of us can do) is to keep trying to be there for him, and keep working on yourself. Tell him that if he wants to talk about the session, (or anything) you're there to listen, and if not, that's cool, too. 

As Sara said, MC can't solve your problems. ideally, it's there to give you the tools (or at least the perspective) to solve them yourself. Sounds like you got a touch of that perspective. 

Not trying to come down on you, specifically, but just an observation on something I've noticed here at TAM. WSs rarely have any insight or empathy (or enough empathy, really) as to the pain they've caused. Repairing the relationship, getting into R or whatever to restore the status quo seems often more important than truly understanding the pain. It's just not enough to promise to be the super double-plus bestest wife or husband from now on... 

I sincerely hope you don't end up on the wrong side of that empathy scale and that you can find a way to genuinely display your remorse. IMO, it all beigns with true understanding and simply being there when you need to be to help repair (repair; you can't undo) the damage you've caused.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

regretful wife said:


> And I learned a lot about him. And it pains me realizing why he took my cheating so badly, and I now understand why it tore him up so much.
> 
> And what hurts me the most, is that I had to have a counselor to learn why. We should've been able to share our problems with each other, but he just ignored his old life.


Sorry but I call B.S. I don't know your whole situation, but if it took counseling for you to realize that cheating would hurt him there's something really wrong with you. Anyone, regardless of whatever pain they have in their past, would feel like their heart was ripped out when they found their wife cheating. All his issues are not why he's hurt. You cheated on him. You did the worst thing a wife can do. That cuts deep. Period.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Welcome back RW!
Those are not step backwards. Healing hurts but you guys need to heal. You can, you should help him heal, from your betrayal, from his past wounds also. In order to build better coping skills he has to face himself. Yeas, he has to heal on his own but you can assist him, being by his side.
Clearly you empathice with him. It's already healing on it's own. It really is. So hold him tight, squeeze his hand.

And please, don't back off, never again. Stop avoiding conflict. That's what brought you here, right? Start adressing this, you need to do it no matter what, regardless the state of your marriage.
So comunicate with him. Ask him about the wedding ring, about the weather, the light stuff and the hard stuff. Engage.

It's a great oportunity for you to grow not only as a couple but as individuals.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> But I don't think the counselor wants him to. He wants him to confront all the pain before he begins healing.


A good MC will want him to face it all and help him decide what to do. A good MC will not want to put a marriage in a kind of life support until it dies. The marriage will either end or find a new base to resist. 

This is opposite to a bad MC who will rugsweep everything, create a fake R and shrug it off when years later divorce happens.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I feel like I'm missing something. Why would you think it's ok to cheat and he wouldn't be upset? Were you separated or something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Drover said:


> Sorry but I call B.S. I don't know your whole situation, but if it took counseling for you to realize that cheating would hurt him there's something really wrong with you. Anyone, regardless of whatever pain they have in their past, would feel like their heart was ripped out when they found their wife cheating. All his issues are not why he's hurt. You cheated on him. You did the worst thing a wife can do. That cuts deep. Period.


Drover, that was perhaps not a particularly helpful post.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Yes, welcome back, RW. Good to see that you're both still trying to work things out. Best of luck.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

regretful wife said:


> Well obviously there is no good way to take it!
> But I can't imagine what he felt when I told him. The pain must have been horribly magnified.
> He didn't feel loved by his mother or his father, so the one person in the world that is to love him just did the ultimate hurt. And I fear this counselor just made him reopen those wounds.
> 
> ...



This reminds me of a post by one of the regulars on this site, Warlock or Bandit I think.

It went something like;

"Why is it that when reading some of these threads I long for the karma bus to run over some of these waywards, then when it does why do I feel so awful for wishing it on them when it hits them so hard?"

I hope it all works out for you RW. I think it is obvious that Juicer loves you very much, and I hope that after all that has happened you realise how precious that love is.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Drover, that was perhaps not a particularly helpful post.


I disagree. Her original post sounds delusional. She asked to counselor to find out why her cheating hurt him so much? She's blaming his emotional history for the hurt he feels, and blaming the counselor for the difficulties she's having rebuilding trust. She needs someone to call B.S. How can she rebuild trust, not by deflecting blame.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Drover, you are not necessarily wrong but some tact will help a lot here. Did you follow the whole story ? Did you read Juicer's thread ? These two are in a very bad place emotionally. 


I think what she meant was that her infidelity was much more hurtful than in the regular cases(which is bad enough) because of his history. How is that blaming him or being delusional. Read Juicer's thread to see how much worse he had it, emotionally and physically. he recovered a lot once he started sleeping with her in the same bed.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

RW, sorry to say I don't feel sympathy for you. You AND Juicer are in a big issue emotionally because of your actions. Yes Juicer had baggage, everyone does and his seems to be worse than most and you betrayed the thing he is most sensitive about.

That being said, where Juicer had unresolved issues is exactly where you damaged him. The best analogy I can give you is to compare someone's emotional state to an underground pipe system. You don't truly know the condition of things, you just know when you turn your water on, if clean water comes out or it doesn't. Juicer had cracks in his pipes before all of this. The system worked but wasn't as strong as maybe someone elses would be. The problem is you flushed a stick of dynamite down the toilet...lit. You blew up the piping. So now to fix it, you have to dig up the entire yard and find all the pipes and fix it. To get to the one "problem" you have to now deal with all of those other cracked pipes because they're all connected.

There will be sessions He's going to walk out and seem like he made 10 steps forward. The following week you might walk out of a session with him saying he hates you. It's all part of the fix. You're going to have to deal with it and accept the blame. Right now you don't want to take FULL responsibility of the potential consequences, hence why you're acting distrustful of the counselor. Sorry but the counselor is only helping Juicer sort out his feelings. If his feelings are negative to you....sorry but that's on you, not the counselor.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

A little sympathy people. She is just venting. She was bashed pretty hard in her older thread(deleted now). She is doing the right stuff (offline) with Juicer. She could use a little encouragement.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

he deserves better you should leave for his own his good. One does not accidentally cheat and than "regret" it. The regret is because a change occurred to the once supposed "good life" now that its gone the attacker (you) wishes to have the good feelings back. Never mind the actions you had to go through to commit it!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> he deserves better you should leave for his own his good. One does not accidentally cheat and than "regret" it. The regret is because a change occurred to the once supposed "good life" now that its gone the attacker (you) wishes to have the good feelings back. Never mind the actions you had to go through to commit it!


Did you read Juicer's thread. He needs her.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It's apparent that betrayal comes in degrees and not all betrayed spouses are capable of viewing it the same.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Did you read Juicer's thread. He needs her.


who is juicer? i read this thread. she cheated it appears the guy is hurt

its best the cheater realize they are not deserving of that person and move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Drover said:


> I disagree. Her original post sounds delusional. She asked to counselor to find out why her cheating hurt him so much? She's blaming his emotional history for the hurt he feels, and blaming the counselor for the difficulties she's having rebuilding trust. She needs someone to call B.S. How can she rebuild trust, not by deflecting blame.





> I don't know your whole situation,


But by heck, you then went on to give an opinion, any way!

That's why I thought it was not that helpful.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> who is juicer? i read this thread. she cheated it appears the guy is hurt
> 
> its best the cheater realize they are not deserving of that person and move on.


Juicer's thread is in the Private Section.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Regret 

Please don't let some scary you of ,from here.
Talk to us


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

regretful wife said:


> Alright, so Juicer and I had our first, ACTUAL, marital counseling meeting. I couldn't believe he actually agreed!
> And I learned a lot about him. And it pains me realizing why he took my cheating so badly, and I now understand why it tore him up so much.
> And what hurts me the most, is that I had to have a counselor to learn why. We should've been able to share our problems with each other, but he just ignored his old life. And I asked him if he was planning on talking about the session here, but he told me he doesn't plan to. The site has been triggering him lately.
> I am so scared that this stupid counseling took us a step backwards! I feel like it reopened old wounds that he had long ago, buried, and never wanted to remember.
> ...


I have not followed his thread that closely and I don't read all of his posts, but the ones I come across express a lot of pain. From his posts, I never get the sense that he is happy or carefree; in fact, exactly the opposite - he seems like this has weighed on him quite heavily right from his first post. From his posts, I was under the impression that the marriage was over and he was trying to move on.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> A little sympathy people. She is just venting. She was bashed pretty hard in her older thread(deleted now). She is doing the right stuff (offline) with Juicer. She could use a little encouragement.


I'm sorry for coming across as too harsh. I was trying to come across as realistic, not bashing her but not painting a rosy picture. Her holding herself accountable will be CRITICAL to this. I'm hoping she takes information that helps out of my post. That's actually what its intent was. I do truly hope it's fixable.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

I knew it would hurt him! Every WS knows they are going to hurt their BS. And unless they have the heart of a rock, they will try to avoid breaking it, or do whatever they can to keep the hurt to a minimal. And I regret thinking I was trying to help him by doing that. 

Last night he must have felt like the counselor interrogated him! Asking so many questions about topics he wasn't use to talking about. He was about ready to break down from it! But he refused until he got home. But even then, he couldn't do it in front of me! 

But what I never knew, was how little love he recieved in his life before me!
I can't imagine having a father call me a disapointment. Yet Juicer got to live with that for 14 years until they divorced, then got to live with that on the weekends until 18. That would take a toll on anyone. But when he constantly tried to prove to him, and show his father why he wasn't, his father could never acknoweledge it. 
Plus his mother wasn't any more loving. She just ignored the lack of love from his father, and didn't even attempt to make up for it. She was just as demanding.
Plus a sister that just used him, and competed with him for what little love their parents gave. 

He must have never felt loved until he finally started dating. And who knows what he considered the love he recieved. 

And I feel HORRIBLE!!! 
This poor man was never given love by those who are suppose to love him unconditionally! 
Then he was finally finds it in someone else, it comes back and bites him in the ass!


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Oh, forgot to make this post on my thread, but here works just as well. 



regretful wife said:


> I can't imagine having a father call me a disapointment. Yet Juicer got to live with that for 14 years until they divorced, then got to live with that on the weekends until 18. That would take a toll on anyone. But when he constantly tried to prove to him, and show his father why he wasn't, his father could never acknoweledge it.


Everyone's dad said something hurtful to them at one point or another in their life. 
The only difference between my and others was that at the end of the day, my dad didn't say he was sorry. 




> Then he was finally finds it in someone else, it comes back and bites him in the ass!


Or more accuratly,
my LIVER!!! 
:rofl:


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Juicer said:


> Oh, forgot to make this post on my thread, but here works just as well.
> 
> 
> Everyone's dad said something hurtful to them at one point or another in their life.
> ...


Glad your humor is intact


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Juicer said:


> Oh, forgot to make this post on my thread, but here works just as well.
> 
> 
> *Everyone's dad said something hurtful to them at one point or another in their life. *True
> ...


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Just hang in there and be there for him. He was 2 weeks from finalizing the D and yet here you two are. Just let him work this out and just... be there for him.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

In regard to what your counselor could possibly be saying...

I am not trying to be hurtful at all, but as a marriage counselor myself, I can tell you that the counselor you guys are seeing will (or rather, he should) tell each of you what you need to do to secure a healthy and productive future. 

And a healthy future for your husband may or may not include you. Unfaithfulness is the ultimate betrayal. It is the one reason the Christ in His teachings permitted divorce, and it destroys more than any war, meteor or plague could ever hope to destroy. This is the chiefest of problems people run into whenever they decide to reconcile. 

Because at the end of the day, we all fit into one of two categories- the people who cheat, and the people who won't. Once a spouse has revealed that they are the kinds of people who will cheat, everything changes because it ultimately doesn't matter what kind of rekindled love, or promises, or mending commences- the fact is the person _will cheat if the conditions are right_. It doesn't suffice for someone to say "I'll never do it again," because they have shown that they have a breaking point. If someone does it once, they have shown that they will do it. This means that it is not a question of whether the person will cheat; the question is, will the variables and circumstances that lead them to cheating present themselves again? And there is no way for us to know that, for a vast number of reasons. That is simply the truth of the matter and then the betrayed spouse has to, should they resolve to make it work, come to terms with the fact that they will always, _always_ be looking over their shoulder. The doubt will always remain. 

It is a terrible, terrible realization when we finally understand there are things that we can do that irrevocably rift the beautiful gift we call love. We like to, we ALL would like to believe that there is always a way to salvage things, a path we can take to reattain whatever glory we may have lost along the way. But that is simply not true.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> In regard to what your counselor could possibly be saying...
> 
> I am not trying to be hurtful at all, but as a marriage counselor myself, I can tell you that the counselor you guys are seeing will (or rather, he should) tell each of you what you need to do to secure a healthy and productive future.
> 
> ...


Wow! Well said White mouse. 

As a betrayed spouse the fear of always looking over my shoulder was the main reason I finally filed after an attempted reconciliation. 

Also, the resentment its seems, based on people I met who were cheated on 20 years ago, will always remain to some degree, although it can be coped with. 

I agree, too, there are those who will cheat when the conditions are ripe and those who will not. 

I was presented with many tempting conditions when my husband and I were married. Because of my career at the time, most of the men were far wealthier than my husband was and they were equally as good looking as well as typically single. 

Despite being propositioned, I never caved. My marriage was too precious to me and I could see at the start that an affair would only serve to destroy the marriage in a way that could never heal. 

Thank you for confirming that my own thoughts about filing for divorce and the reasons why are realistic ones.

Also based on the emails between my STBEH and OW, my STBEH manufactured complaints about me to tell her, complaints he never ever prior shared with me, and then went looking for someone to have an affair with because of those manufactured complaints.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

I never cheated on him with the plan of replacing him! 
Looking back, I realize the fog I was in, and how delusional I was, and realizing sadly hubby is the one paying for my actions. He shouldn't be, but is. 

Juicer triggered at work today, and came home early. But he is wanting to follow the therapist advice to find and talk with his mother. And this is making me nervous. He barely acknoweledges his family, and now he will suddenly reach out to his mother at this time in his life. I worry this is not the best emotional time or state for him. She was never the most supporting either. I can imagine what she will tell him. 

Then I worry about whether he'll divorce! It seems like when he was pushing for divorce, a lot of people told him to just think through what he was doing. Second guessing him.
Now that he is attempting reconciliation, I am grateful everyday for that and tell him that, but it seems like people are telling him why? And I can see it is hurting him. 
I worry this counselor's attempts to make Juicer try and heal, he'll leave! I know he has a right to, but I plan to fight for him, but I can't stop him. And if this counselor brings up a lot of raw emotions, this won't help him!!!



Juicer said:


> Or more accuratly,
> my LIVER!!!
> :rofl:


Honey, this isn't a laughing matter. Your liver is still 80% dead. Otherwise your kidney's wouldn't be having problems.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Juicer just horribly triggered. I calmed him down, but it wasn't pretty. 

But he got his mom's phone number out of his sister. And he called her, talked with her. And it went horribly. 

But he called her, and let me listen. 
She picked up the phone, asked who it was, and I think it hurt him to have to tell his own mother that it was her son. But I guess since he hasn't talked to her in 2 years it is hard to recognize anyone. 
But so they talked for about 5 minutes before his mom asked "why are you calling? You cheat on your wife, or did she cheat on you?" 
And he couldn't take it. 

I don't think him talking with his mother again is a good idea, and I want to tell him this, but I know his counselor told him he needs to confront his past before he can move forward. 

I would like to talk to him and tell him to stay away from her, but I want to have some other people's opinion before I say something to him to make sure I don't say the wrong thing to him. And I don't want to have another divorce situation...
Do I tell him to not confront her? Or do I let him make his own choices, or should I try to nudge them?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

regretful wife said:


> Juicer just horribly triggered. I calmed him down, but it wasn't pretty.
> 
> But he got his mom's phone number out of his sister. And he called her, talked with her. And it went horribly.
> 
> ...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What kind of mother talks like that? No wonder he cut her off from his life.


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## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> In regard to what your counselor could possibly be saying...
> 
> I am not trying to be hurtful at all, but as a marriage counselor myself, I can tell you that the counselor you guys are seeing will (or rather, he should) tell each of you what you need to do to secure a healthy and productive future.
> 
> ...


A very good friend of mine in law enforcement once told me that you can never fully rehabilitate or trust a murderer why? because they have crossed a line and once you go past that line it is easier to do it again. Somewhere in the midst of their actions they gave up all regard for human life and took something that didn't belong to them.
A cheating spouse is no different you crossed a line, you gave up all regard for your marriage, are you sorry sure do you wish it could be undone sounds like it, my wife says the same things.
Think of it like this if you break a plate and try to glue it back together will it still work sure it may be useful for a long time but all those repairs have weakened it and the possibility that it will break is much higher than if you never broke it at all. Your marriage like mine will never be the same, it may and probably will go on and it may last for a long time, but the worry that one of those cracks will break or worse that you will break it again will be like a cloud hanging over your marriage forever.
Maybe that is what most cheating spouses don't get this isn't something that *ever* goes away, like many things in life you may learn to live with it but it will always be with you, even if you start with someone else, your life is forever damaged.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What kind of mother talks like that? No wonder he cut her off from his life.


Yeah. It was very heartless of her.
I don't know how she could be call "a mother" in the first place.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

He has a path he needs to take. Do not try and steer him. Your fear is that he will leave. If you really want to help him put away your fears and follow where his heart leads him. Be there for the pain and just support him. 

What ever you do do not bad mouth his Mom or Dad. He will do it on his own. Do not let that be a wedge with the two of you


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

mahike said:


> What ever you do do not bad mouth his Mom or Dad. He will do it on his own. Do not let that be a wedge with the two of you


Thanks for that. I just let him do the talking when they come up, and listen. 

And lately, he has been triggering badly. 
But I've noticed, he has two very different reactions to his triggers. And I don't know which reaction he'll have. 

A few nights ago, he started yelling and hurling insults at me. I understood he was upset, and just took it. I did eventually break down and cry, and then he did too, and just held me, and told me he was sorry, and kissed me. 
And I found it he had a bad day at the office, so it felt better that I knew he had a bad day, and he was just tense and lashed out. 

But what hurts, is when he start crying. He doesn't get confrontational, he doesn't yell or insult me, he doesn't even want to see me. He finds a private place, and just cries himself out. The reason it hurts is because he won't let me even attempt to comfort him! And I know I am the root for the pain. 

He'll let me see the angry and frustrated side of him, but he won't let me see the hurting and pained side of him! And this kills me! I remember after the MC he just locked himself in his study, and cried. Knowing I am the reason he is weeping.
Do I just ride this out, or try and get myself in a position where I can comfort him when he has a trigger? Or do I wait for him to be more open to it? I don't want him to feel like I am pushing myself onto him, but it kills me knowing he is just alone and hurting, and he won't let me do anything!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I am very uncomfortable about this thread.

I do not know you two personally, and I'm new here. I don't know what agreements you have about you posting on the same website.

I can tell you if my wife bandied about my emotional reactions, particularly embarrassing ones to people I wanted to feel secure with, I personally (can't speak for Juicer) would feel a bit betrayed. This forum allows us to reveal what we want to protect our inner self. 

I understand you want to vent and show remorse but pulling aside the curtain on what is happening in his emotional life might not be the way to do it.

You can probably speak a bit more generically then give us a blow by blow of his reactions and I certainly would look askance at revealing the private deliberations with a marriage counselor.

Maybe you are both not offended by this. In which case I apologize. If you haven't discussed this, maybe you should.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

I have been very open with him, about what is considered open for us to talk about, at the dinner table to even here. I am trying to keep our communication open as much as I can. 

We have talked about what things were not allowed.
But when I asked about his emotional side, he told me go ahead. He said it was fine because he wants to know if people think he is going over the edge. I think he knows he is going to be going through an emotional roller coaster if he continues with the therapist plan to meet his mother, and he wants to have people tell him he is going to far if he trully is. But we haven't seen the MC since Tuesday, so that plan to see her again may change.

But I still feel sometimes that I am walking on egg shells with him, and want to be careful to not set him off.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Fair enough.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Just my opinion, but it seems he needs to be going through IC, not MC... he shouldn't even be focusing on the marriage until he can get emotionally stable for himself.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quote of RW
> He'll let me see the angry and frustrated side of him, but he won't let me see the hurting and pained side of him! And this kills me! I remember after the MC he just locked himself in his study, and cried.
> 
> Knowing I am the reason he is weeping.
> Do I just ride this out, or try and get myself in a position where I can comfort him when he has a trigger? Or do I wait for him to be more open to it? I don't want him to feel like I am pushing myself onto him, but it kills me knowing he is just alone and hurting, and he won't let me do anything!


*Do you really think that juicer is going to trust you with his deepest emotions?*

I am not trying to grind you for what you did but do you not understand that he cannot trust you with his deepest emotions right now?

My guess is that you can help him in some areas but the MC and Juicer can articulate that.

The most optimistic sentence that you wrote was this
*I did eventually break down and cry, and then he did too, and just held me, and told me he was sorry, and kissed me.*

My hat is off to juicer! He has been hit very hard by his parents then you; yet he is still able to have compassion for you.

Do not fight the MC on having Juicer contact his mother. The MC knows the pain involved and is trying to help them both get better. You cannot have a chance at getting better if you never talk.

*Juicer needs all the help he can get; he has a heavy load and seems to be still standing and showing signs of strength. My hat is off to juicer!*


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

regretful wife said:


> Thanks for that. I just let him do the talking when they come up, and listen.
> 
> And lately, he has been triggering badly.
> But I've noticed, he has two very different reactions to his triggers. And I don't know which reaction he'll have.
> ...


....all men commonly retreat when they are in pain. I would not be extremely worried about this in the overall scheme of things, as long as he is really convinced that you are there when he needs you for comfort. He'll let you know when he does not need his solitude for comfort, and to figure out how to deal with his pain and sorrow........keep the faith, things will get better over time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I think the MC is way off base unless you two misunderstood his advice. To me, "confronting my past" does not mean go looking for the people who hurt me. It means that he has to face that pain and admit that it was real and damaging and it was his mother who caused it. He can confront this by talking to an IC. I don't think confronting his parents or his siblings is going to be helpful.

But then again - I'm not a therapist.

Mean while, be there for him when he allows you to.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Well, you guys were right. 

We had our MC Wednesday, and we talked more, and explored some of the bad parts of our relationship and past. 
And he asked us what steps we had taken to confront and deal with our past. Juicer told him about talking with his mother, and some things that were exchanged, and some other steps we've taken.
The counselor said what you guys suggested, Juicer needs IC to deal with his past. The therapist said he doesn't want to get too involved, because he didn't realize everything that he would be dealing with.
I asked him if Juicer wanted me to find him a counselor, he said he would do it, but I am afraid he won't. I had to setup up our MC, and he hasn't made any attempt that I have seen to find a counselor. Should I bring this up, or just let him do it at his own pace?


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

I just got home from work, and I am in tears. 

I was hoping Juicer would be home. We have been making it a habit to try and eat lunch once or twice a week together, and Monday was a usual day for us. He wasn't here, and I thought that was odd. I asked him this morning if he would be, and he said he would. 

But all I found was a note he had left me. 
"Out of all the lies you told me, I love you is my favorite." 

What happened to him?! I tried calling him, his work and his cell, but he won't answer! And I don't want to barge into his work and annoy him. 
I am just so scared, I don't want to lose him! What could make him do this? I love him, and I don't want to lose him.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

regretful wife said:


> I just got home from work, and I am in tears.
> 
> I was hoping Juicer would be home. We have been making it a habit to try and eat lunch once or twice a week together, and Monday was a usual day for us. He wasn't here, and I thought that was odd. I asked him this morning if he would be, and he said he would.
> 
> ...


Most likely a bad day. I have done that to pidge too many times to count.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Juicer is nowhere near healed, these kind of things happen with betrayed spouses.

Whether its a month into R or a year they can pop up at anytime. 

Hopefully, juicer is at work, but just doesn't want to be contacted.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

I don't think it was just a bad day. 

When he has had bad days, he usually kills himself in the gym before he comes home. 

And when he has been angry, he has yelled, and cussed, and I remembered someone said be prepared to hear everything in the book and a few new ones, and yes, they were right. 
He apologized and held me, and told me loved me after it, but this is different. 

He didn't have to get angry, cuss, yell, anything. Just this. He just wrote this and left it for me to read. This note hurts more than all that. 
This doesn't sound like him!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Hmm, that doesn't sound good, do you another number for his workplace in general? Perhaps a coworker of his could tell you if he is there.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Maybe he found out about something you didn't disclose.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

I told him everything I remember! 
He knew everything when he told me he wanted to reconcile! He knew everything when he even called me!

Plus, most of his coworkers are males. I want to call one of them and ask if he is there, but I would have to call through the company land line, I don't know their numbers, and I doubt calling one of them would shine any good light on me.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

regretful wife said:


> I told him everything I remember!
> He knew everything when he told me he wanted to reconcile! He knew everything when he even called me!
> 
> Plus, most of his coworkers are males. I want to call one of them and ask if he is there, but I would have to call through the company land line, I don't know their numbers, and I doubt calling one of them would shine any good light on me.


All you can do is wait.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Unless thre's a chance he found out more hidden scheletons or missing info from your affiar I think is a bad day. Maybe lawyer's news, finances isses triggeres it. Maybe just because is Monday.
Calm down, wait for him to contact or come home. He didn't pack, he didn't tell to lose yourself or move out, he left a note expresing his pain, he's taking a break from contacting you.
He has been posting here, stating he's reconciling. Just today or yesterday at most. He's commited to face his own demons, he's in MC, weighting IC.
You need to learn to don't react in panic with the mood swings. Don't evaluate the relationship every 12 hours. You see? control impulse is more his thing than yours. Focus in your healing too, start adressing your issues. You can't be 24/7 at his feet, it's not healthy either. Take care of you. Be kind to you.

I do believe tomorrow will be another day in this rollercoaster of hell. I have hope in you guys.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Well, I did ask the secretary if Juicer was in, pretending to be a client, and she said he is out of the office, and suggested I try his cell phone. 

I feel horrible to the pit of my stomach. What could've brought him to feel this way? He seemed fine in the morning? Do the mind movies overwhelm him? Or does it sound like somthing else?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

regretful wife said:


> Well, I did ask the secretary if Juicer was in, pretending to be a client, and she said he is out of the office, and suggested I try his cell phone.
> 
> I feel horrible to the pit of my stomach. What could've brought him to feel this way? He seemed fine in the morning? Do the mind movies overwhelm him? Or does it sound like somthing else?


Things just get to you. Maybe a song came on the radio that reminds him, he drove past a place that triggers him. Sometimes the whole damn thing just hits you and just disappear for awhile. I know one time for me it was driving past a fast food place she stopped at on her way to the OM.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

I think I may have been slightly setup. 

I logged into facebook, thinking someone posted something on his wall. Maybe the OM, or OMW, or someone trying to rile him up. 

But I got a private message today from an ex-friend, asking how my marriage is going. An ex-friend to me, and ex-girlfriend to him.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I can't answer for your husband's behavior or the FB thing.

What I can say is that dealing with a spouse's affair is like having a mental illness. One day you are good and the next you are not. One day you are near death and the next you actually feel like you may be okay one day. One day you want to kill yourself, the next day your cheating spouse.

No matter what...patience and understanding is required on your part. Do not forget you ultimately are the one that put this into motion.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

So if he comes home tonight, should I just assume something set him off and he didn't want to have lunch? Should I even bring it up if he does come home?

And if he doesn't come home, what do I do? Try finding him? 

I know he needs his space, but this just worries me. This isn't like him!


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

He is having a bad day, you will be ok but this is going to be an emotional roller coaster for sure.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I don't know either of you. I don't know your story. I read both threads. I hurt for both of you.

I will pray for you both.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

regretful wife said:


> So if he comes home tonight, should I just assume something set him off and he didn't want to have lunch? Should I even bring it up if he does come home?
> 
> And if he doesn't come home, what do I do? Try finding him?
> 
> I know he needs his space, but this just worries me. This isn't like him!


Of course you should bring it up!

Stop worrying. As lame as this sounds....it is what it is.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

He is 45 minutes late coming home from work. This isn't like him!

I am so worried something happened to him! What can I do?!? I can't find him, his phone is off, and this is scaring me to death! His mom hasn't seen him, his work hasn't, his friends haven't, I don't know where else to turn!
Last time he did something like this, he wound up in a hospital! I don't want this time to be in a morgue!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

regretful wife said:


> He is 45 minutes late coming home from work. This isn't like him!
> 
> I am so worried something happened to him! What can I do?!? I can't find him, his phone is off, and this is scaring me to death! His mom hasn't seen him, his work hasn't, his friends haven't, I don't know where else to turn!
> Last time he did something like this, he wound up in a hospital! I don't want this time to be in a morgue!


Try to stay calm. (Easy for me to say that, I know...)

Phone the hospital/s, ask if he has been brought in.

You can check with the police for any reports of accidents.

Could he be in a bar?


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Could he be in a bar?


His liver is still at least 50% dead. 
I pray he isn't!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

regretful wife said:


> His liver is still at least 50% dead.
> I pray he isn't!


So do I, RW, so do I.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

regretful wife said:


> His liver is still at least 50% dead.
> I pray he isn't!



Liver can regenerate.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Well, Juicer finally came home. 

I was wanting to ask him, hell, I wanted to interrogate him about today, but he just wanted to eat, and relax. And that is exactly what he is doing. 

I asked him about the note, and he said nothing! He just got his food, ate it, then went to lay down. 

I don't know what to do! I'd rather him be angry! At least he'd be showing emotion. Now it feels like he is withdrawing. I tried getting him to open up, but he just didn't want to. 

He won't tell me what happened today, and it is driving me crazy! 

And now I know what it is like to have your mind swirling with questions you need to know the answers to. I am worried that my ex-friend said something to him and got him emotionally vulnerable and he did something, or that he took steroids again, or went out drinking, or something. I just can't shake it. I hate this!
I have no evidence or anything to prove it, but I can't shake these feelings! What am I to do?!?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Be patient, loving supportive and available if/when he wants to discuss it. just my .02


Good luck to you both
WD


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry for the horible day. Glad to hear he's safe. Sorry he doesn't want to engage nor explain himself.

Well respect him for tonight but you guys need to comunicate if you are going to R.
Silent treatments, passive agressive behavior... it goes exactly in the opposite direction.

I must be honest. I'm guilty of this. Well, I was for a while after I decided to stay.

Did you hear me when I told you to take care of your self?
How are you eating? Are you drinking plenty of water? Sunlight? Exercise? Self examination? Are you identifying and adressing you own issues? Have you healthy friendships?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Anger is exhausting. Sometimes you just shut down. If he wants to left alone then give him space.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Did you hear me when I told you to take care of your self?
> How are you eating? Are you drinking plenty of water? Sunlight? Exercise? Self examination? Are you identifying and adressing you own issues? Have you healthy friendships?


Yes. Still eating, and cooking for him. He loves home cooked meals, and doctors told him now that his liver is coming back, he can eat meat again. 
So he had a field day at the local grocery store when they had a "Mega Meat Sale" over the weekend. :lol:
And I am eating. I didn't eat that much tonight though, but I still ate. 

Yes, I am exercising. We haven't gone to the gym together since DDay, and I don't know when we can again. My current job may not allow it. 

And yes, still talking with my friends, or the ones that I still like, and didn't cut off. 

And still going to my counselor. Husband has gone to see him. I found out why the counselor has his tough love approach: if you aren't trully sorry, he doesn't want you as a client, and he'll weed you out. But he has told me I'm the "luckiest girl in the world," for getting a second chance. And I can't argue with him.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Great that last post.
Hope today will better between you and your DH.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Well, last night wasn't the easiest night. 
But at least he was home. 

I was so afraid he was done when he got home. That he would want to divorce, and just try and move on. I just crawled into bed and held him, his back to me. I was so scared of losing him. 

When I woke up this morning, his arms were wrapped around me. When I tried to get out bed, he wouldn't let go. He couldn't let go. 
After yesterday's roller coaster, it was exactly what I needed. 

Love you Juicer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thank God.:smthumbup:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He loves you RW, but he's struggling with what you did and asking why he wasn't enough for you. Have you answered that question yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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