# Need some help/advice please!



## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

Hello....I need to get some advice on something. I will try to make a long story as short as I can. Over 2 years ago, my husband found some texts of a sexual nature on my phone. They were from his former high school/college best friend (they were no longer best friends at the time, but still friends). Obviously this was extremely upsetting to my husband. After he'd had a few weeks to process this, my husband wanted me to tell him anything and everything I'd ever done with someone else, so that if he could begin to think about forgiving me he knew exactly what he was dealing with. He was already aware of a previous affair I'd had with a man from several years ago. 

I made this list, and made sure to put everything on there. I'd had affairs with numerous men, and done some other small things that were still very bad. This list caused my husband's world to be turned upside down....I hate myself every day for ever thinking that anything I was doing was somehow justifiable. It's hard to put into words the pain that my actions caused my husband, me, and my family. There were a few men on the list, especially his former best friend, that my husband was particularly antagonist towards, to the point of talking out loud about wanting to injure them somehow. Seeing his former best friend was especially hard for him, as they had some unavoidable contact due to their profession/hobbies. 

Fast forward two plus years. My husband and I are still together, but there are days that are definitely a struggle. My husband now seems somewhat comfortable being around his former best friend, to the point of doing a few business dealings with him and willingly attending a small group dinner with him (I wasn't there, and I tend to avoid any social outing in which I would encounter his former friend). His former friend even loaned my husband his car recently for something my sister-in-law needed for an event. 

Should I be happy/relieved that my husband is willing to accept his former friend into his life in some capacity? I have had zero contact with this person for over two years, and don't intend to ever again. Among my many many regrets is that I may have distorted the good memories my husband has of this person, memories from before my husband even knew me. 

I know that everything I did is despicable....even today it's hard for me to fathom sometimes. I just need some advice on this. If there's anything that isn't clear, please ask. I tried not to leave anything important out....I learned a long time ago that distorting/omitting facts to get advice from anyone when they don't have the full story is stupid and self-serving. 

Thanks in advance. 



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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

If you haven't addressed the underlying issues that caused you to be a serial adulteress, then I'd encourage you talk about splitting with your husband. I don't know your husband, but it's likely that you've permanently emasculated him to some degree and made him perpetually question his self-worth. He might be able to find this again with a different woman. 

I imagine he'll never feel secure in your marriage again and will be on his guard, watching you like a hawk. I know I would. This is no way to live. Consider setting the hawk free.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Despara said:


> .....I made this list, and made sure to put everything on there. I'd had affairs with numerous men, and done some other small things that were still very bad. This list caused my husband's world to be turned upside down....
> 
> ...Fast forward two plus years. My husband and I are still together, but there are days that are definitely a struggle. My husband now seems somewhat comfortable being around his former best friend, to the point of doing a few business dealings with him and willingly attending a small group dinner with him (I wasn't there, and I tend to avoid any social outing in which I would encounter his former friend). His former friend even loaned my husband his car recently for something my sister-in-law needed for an event.
> 
> ...


Wow. At least you are remorseful.

I certainly hope that you and your husband have gone through some marriage counseling and that you have gone through some Individual counseling. In particular I hope that your husband has set some boundaries on your behaviors that will constitute a clear reason for immediate divorce. 

Good luck, if you haven't got professional help, I strongly suggest it.


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## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

Yes, we did MC and I did IC. I lost my IC due to a job change (it was through my EAP), but I'm looking for a new one....I need an unbiased professional to speak with. I really liked my previous IC, so I'm hoping to find someone else that's a match for me. 


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## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

And there are definite boundaries set. I also quit my job in the summer of 2016, and just recently went back to work. 


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I am kind of surprised your H would even talk to your AP. That seems very odd. Given your multitude of affairs, I can easily see his ego in tatters and he is just going about things to survive. I assume you have kids, I kind of get the feeling that he feels like he is better off staying either for the kids or because he can't afford a D. That is a cr*p place to be, if true.

If he has no choice but to be around these OM, it has to be crushing.

Also, he may have forgiven the OM, because they didn't vow before God and the world to be faithful to him, but you did.

Hard to say without hearing his side of the story.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

No, it's not good that he has contact with the scumbag. He should feel like he wants to kill him every time he sees him. The longer he's around him and more accepting he becomes, the less manly he becomes.

Your story sounds like you crushed is soul and he feels worthless. If you truly care about him, you should leave him. Let him be free to find someone who he can grow with and fully trust. If you stay with him, you have to realize it's for your own selfish reasons. There's no way that this marriage is the right one for him. It sounds like he's too nice of a guy to go through with a divorce. If you care about him, you need to do it for him.


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## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

While we were separated, I told my husband many times that there were women out there who would want him. I didn't want him to feel like he had to stay with me no matter what. 

And I have addressed the underlying issues for my infidelity, but I feel that I need to return to IC just to have someone to talk to. I generally don't talk to my family or friends about this, even though they know of what happened. 


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

How much experience to you have with domestic abuse? It is very common for the victim to keep going back to the abuser regardless of the injuries. A victim may nearly get killed and have broken bones, yet they still go back. Does that make sense? No, it doesn't. The victim is not thinking right. They think they have no other option. 

You have to realize that your husband is now damaged goods and is not thinking clearly. If he has low self esteem, he feels like a loser and has to accept whatever scraps he can get. He will not do the right thing for himself. Even if you are the perfect wife and never cheat again, he would remember your past every time he saw you. 

It sounds like you have really turned a corner in your personal development, which is great, but you are still toxic to him. You need to think about what is right for him even if he doesn't realize what that is.


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## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

We have one child who is high school age. They were upset when told that we were separating, but I think in the end they were kind of looking forward to living in two houses (this is what they told me), and was a little disappointed when that didn't happen. They are also aware of what caused the split, and I work hard every day to repair that relationship also. 

As far as finances go, we have no credit card debt, no car loans, and no mortgage/rent. The only debt we have are some medical bills that aren't outrageous, and we could both afford to live on our own. 

It's very hard to read that I crushed my husband's soul. It hurts me to think that he goes through every day feeling like he has no other options. 


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You were the one who destroyed this man and your marriage.You don’t get to decide who he spends time with or where he hangs out.You should thank him every single day of your life for allowing you to be with him.
I would have kicked you to the kerb the first time you cheated then there would have been no problems with the best friend.


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## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> You were the one who destroyed this man and your marriage.You don’t get to decide who he spends time with or where he hangs out.You should thank him every single day of your life for allowing you to be with him.
> 
> I would have kicked you to the kerb the first time you cheated then there would have been no problems with the best friend.




I don't recall saying that I was trying to control who he spends time with....I was just worried about his mental state. Try to improve your reading comprehension skills. 

Also, it's "curb", not "kerb"......


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Despara said:


> I don't recall saying that I was trying to control who he spends time with....I was just worried about his mental state. Try to improve your reading comprehension skills.
> 
> Also, it's "curb", not "kerb"......
> 
> ...


Maybe before you cheated on him on numerous occasions you should have considered his mental health.
Your grammar is a highly developed as your morals.
Kerb:A stone edging to a sidewalk or raised path.
Curb:A restraint on something.As in curb your enthusiasm.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Despara said:


> Try to improve your reading comprehension skills.
> 
> Also, it's "curb", not "kerb"......


Sigh... still has the self-righteous attitude and is apparently unaware that this site is open to people outside North America. Sounds like this one's not worth saving. Please do the right thing and let your husband go.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Sigh... still has the self-righteous attitude and is apparently unaware that this site is open to people outside North America. Sounds like this one's not worth saving. Please do the right thing and let your husband go.


I agree with you about her attitude.However curb is never used in the way she describes.And I am from NY.lol.


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## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

I'm not "self-righteous"....I was just irritated that my question was misconstrued. In no way am I trying to control my husband's activities. 

And after doing a quick internet search, I see that curb is an American and Canadian English word. I'm not too big to admit when I was wrong, so I apologize for the correction. 


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Despara,

Good work on coming completely clean, very few do so despite the fact that not doing so prevents recovery.

Did you offer to take a polygraph, ign a post nuptial agreement, did you DNA your child and get STD tested?

Perhaps offer to take a polygraph every other year since you are at risk of cheating again.

Did your H expose the affairs to the wives or SOs of the men you cheated with?

Tamat


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## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

Yes I got an STD test...that was the least I could do. 

My husband talked about a post nuptial agreement...previously I hadn't even been aware that there was such a thing. I'm willing to do whatever has to be done there, but we as yet haven't done it. 

It would hurt, but I'd be willing to a DNA test for our child. I'm not sure there is a need though, because our child is a dead ringer for my husband's sibling...the family resemblance is uncanny. 

I would take a polygraph but it hasn't come up. Detailing everything I did wrong was incredibly painful....I hope no one on here passing judgment on me is ever in a position to have to tell their spouse about extra marital affairs. 
However, almost everything I've read since then has been in agreement that knowing the truth is better in the long run for the betrayed spouse. 

He contacted a few of the people on the list, and contacted one spouse. I honestly have no idea how some of that turned out, because I'm not in contact with any AP and I don't do FB or anything like that. 


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Despara,

Firstly, you don't owe anyone your remorse and contrition except your husband (and others your behaviour may have touched). That said, posting on a forum like this, you are going to get attacked. I would suggest that you simply ignore the comments that you do not feel are useful or relevant. As you may appreciate through your husband, infidelity is an incredibly painful experience for the betrayed. Had your husband been the one posting here, the advice to him would be to leave you as soon as possible. Posters may not be able to reach him, but they will nonetheless want to take out that frustration on you. You can certainly learn from the perspective of BS's if you are willing to listen, but in this matter you are unlikely to find many of us very sympathetic at the outset.

Secondly, the person that you should be discussing this with is your husband. I agree that him continuing contact with your AP sounds neither useful nor healthy. Even if you have had no contact in two years, you shared something intimate with this man that belonged to your husband, by right and promise. That said, your husband may value his friendship with this man very much. Or he may enjoy the fact that his contact with him discomfits you. It may be his way of telling you that he is not going to let your mistakes determine his life's course. But this is just speculation, and you will not know unless you talk to him. I agree that the choice of who his friends are is your husband's choice to make, but completely disagree that you are not allowed to express your concerns or wishes to him. In a reconciled marriage, being unfaithful in the past does not mean that you no longer have the same rights to express your preferences and opinions that you always did have. To think otherwise is setting both of you up for failure. 

Which is why your apparent choice not to discuss this with him at the outset concerns me. MC should have taught you both the skills necessary to have an honest conversation around critical issues. And this is clearly a critical issue.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why did you cheat on him and treat him like that? Does he blame himself?
Cheating on a spouse is as bad a thing you can do to them. Cheating with his friend is considered purposely hurting him. Why?


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## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

Mizzbak said:


> Despara,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You are correct on all counts. There is no reason that I shouldn't just ask my husband directly about this. And we do communicate much better now, but I think there's room for improvement with anything. 

I was aware that opinions would probably not be favorable towards me. Some of the responses brought up reminders of the despair I felt early on in this mess. However, I do want the perspectives of BS's. My pain was caused by my own behaviors, not thrust on me by someone else. 


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I was unsure if you were talking about emotional affairs or physical affairs until you mentioned STD and DNA test.

What country are you in? I don't pretend to understand cultural differences of other countries, but I am amazed that your husband has stayed with you after learning of several physical affairs.

You are right that he had to have the unvarnished truth so good for you and your honesty. Your husband is a special kind of man for sticking with you.

Have you been able to determine why you have had so many affairs? Self realization of why you thought it was OK or was something you needed will also help your husband. Restoring his trust in you is something that could partially come back over time but I suspect he will never fully trust you.

How long has your last affair been over and do you feel the need for another man's attention now? Even if it is just the approval or praise of another.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The rekindled association with his former friend could also be a sign of indifference towards the whole situation and those involved, that he just doesn't care. And that is not a good thing.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

No doubt the rumor mill (or the scumbags themselves) have let a lot of people know what went on. His friends and associates are probably talking about him behind his back. They see him associating with the scumbag in a friendly way and they think less of him. No one in the world is going to be impressed with your H associating with your OMs. Your H probably realizes everyone is laughing at him and it's making his self esteem even lower. 

At a minimum, you both need to move to a new city far away where no one knows your history.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I can't even imagine the torment this man lives with. Maybe he's numb to it all now, hollow inside.


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## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

This feels like a cliche, but I really was just looking for attention that I thought I wasn't getting at home. I never purposely wanted to hurt my husband, ever. I can still see his face when he left the house with my phone that day...it was honestly something I would never wish on anyone. 

I have realized that I don't need male attention to validate myself. We were in the hypersexual phase immediately after this came out, and went to a strip club one night. It was a revelation for me, when I saw men fawning over women who were fairly average looking. It made me realize that there was nothing special about me that made men want to have sex, and that relying on their attention to make me feel better about myself was extremely damaging and destructive. 

I have zero desire for male attention now. It cost me my job, and could still cost me my family. 

It's been over 3 years since anything physical happened with anyone. Most of my interaction with his friend was through the phone. 


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You may be one of a very, very rare species - a serial cheater who has seen the light and is truly aware of the pain you have cause and is truly sorry for it. And the rarest of all serial cheaters - one who will never betray your spouse again. I thought they were extinct or did not exist in reality.

Continue to work on yourself and continue to be open and honest with your husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> I am kind of surprised your H would even talk to your AP. That seems very odd. Given your multitude of affairs, I can easily see his ego in tatters and he is just going about things to survive. I assume you have kids, I kind of get the feeling that he feels like he is better off staying either for the kids or because he can't afford a D. That is a cr*p place to be, if true.
> 
> If he has no choice but to be around these OM, it has to be crushing.
> 
> ...


I have heard of this happening. Not sure if it's something I'd be able to do, though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Despara said:


> I don't recall saying that I was trying to control who he spends time with....I was just worried about his mental state. Try to improve your reading comprehension skills.
> 
> Also, it's "curb", not "kerb"......
> 
> ...


It's Kerb. At least for those of us like Andy and myself who spell funny and insist on calling the Fall the Autumn. 

But, vagaries of language to one side, I am glad you and your husband reconciled.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note:-*

Folks, Despara knows she did wrong. You really do not need to keep reminding her.


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## Despara (Oct 13, 2017)

If I learned anything today, it's that there is more than one way to spell curb. I guess I will think twice next time before rashly calling someone out. 

In all seriousness, I do appreciate all of the responses. 

I don't think that whatever interaction my husband has with his former friend would have any negative reflection on my husband....he's not the one who did anything wrong. I think it would speak to his character to be willing to have at least some interaction. Maybe I'm not looking at it clearly. Regardless, I plan on asking my husband his thoughts on this on Sunday, after he gets through a busy next day or so. 


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Despara said:


> If I learned anything today, it's that there is more than one way to spell curb. I guess I will think twice next time before rashly calling someone out.
> 
> In all seriousness, I do appreciate all of the responses.
> 
> ...


You may want to think hard about asking your husband that. From a man's point of view cheating is a horrible insult, striking right at our masculinity. Cheating with a friend is worse, it is like "Do you hate me so much that you would betray me with my friend, someone I know?". Takes a while to really get over that. Some never do. Think about what you are bringing up.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> You may want to think hard about asking your husband that. From a man's point of view cheating is a horrible insult, striking right at our masculinity. Cheating with a friend is worse, it is like "Do you hate me so much that you would betray me with my friend, someone I know?". Takes a while to really get over that. Some never do. Think about what you are bringing up.


And that he's not 'interacting' with a Louisville Slugger ( baseball bat Matt ) makes me think his self esteem took a major hit. Just my opinion.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Despara said:


> If I learned anything today, it's that there is more than one way to spell curb. I guess I will think twice next time before rashly calling someone out.
> 
> In all seriousness, I do appreciate all of the responses.
> 
> ...




If my husband cheated on me with a friend, not only is that a deal breaker for me, but the "friend" is Out of my life forever! Gone! Finished! Never spoken to again!

And their spouse/significant other WOULD be told!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Despara said:


> If I learned anything today, it's that there is more than one way to spell curb. I guess I will think twice next time before rashly calling someone out.
> 
> In all seriousness, I do appreciate all of the responses.
> 
> ...


Here is where it gets confusing. There was a man who decided to collect kerbs. Eventually his wife told him to curb his kerbs. 

I have heard of an instance when a famous British actor's wife was cheating on him with his best friend. To the extent thst she left him to go to live with his best friend.

Although he was heartbroken by this, he still regarded him as his best friend.

Now, that is not the situation your husband is in, but it does show that different people handle things differently.

Such claims that this means he is not much of a man are tripe.

Because all it means is that the acuser lacks fellowfeel and does not have the ability to even try to understand that other people are not the same as them.

Be gentle with your husband when you speak with him on this.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Pretty interesting how people are attacking the OP. Seems to me she asked a question about her husband being friends with the AP and she's getting slammed. A lot of triggering happening I guess.

Maybe the dudes had a man to man and sorted things. I can't understand it, much like I can't understand a cuckold or anyone that would forgive a cheat but there it is, it does happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Perhaps he apologised and told him he thought they were divorced?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Perhaps he apologised and told him he thought they were divorced?


But then how good friends could they be? Wouldn't a good friend know of the divorce? And even if he didn't know, wouldn't he check with his friend first to make sure he was cool with dating his ex?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wilson said:


> But then how good friends could they be? Wouldn't a good friend know of the divorce? And even if he didn't know, wouldn't he check with his friend first to make sure he was cool with dating his ex?


It was revealed they had been best friends but were no longer so, but still friends so perhaps they had lost touch a little?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MODERATOR WARNING 

Personal attacks on the OP or her husband and his manliness WILL be deleted.

And further action will be considered by the moderation team.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> MODERATOR WARNING
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you, @MattMatt. 

OP, as a past BS I have deep sympathy for your husband and the pain he’s enduring. However, I truly commend you for putting such sincere effort into your reconciliation and recovery. It took a lot guts to post here asking for advice in your situation and more than likely knowing what kind of reaction you would elicit from a majority of the participants on this forum. 

I don’t have advice for you but I really felt that you needed to know that there are BS who can see past their own baggage and acknowledge your efforts. Take care and find a way to gently and compassionately and without any defensiveness address this with your husband. Good luck!


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

Four things that a military career taught me and the four things I try to live my life by: Honor, Integrity, Loyalty, Commitment. Maybe your husband has these same traits and can look at his friend knowing that this person has no such traits. He can look at this "so called friend" and know he is a back stabbing scum that can not be trusted. Maybe your husband is thinking like Michael Corleone in "The Godfather Part II". "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." I think your husband is aware that there are a lot of people in his life that he needs to keep close and who needs considerable watching. I hope things work out for you and him, if that is what both of you want. I do wish you well.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You did one important thing RIGHT. 

You told him the truth. Nothing can right the wrongs but this may go a long way in bringing you back together.

Lies destroy everything.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So you cheated (physically) with several men. Did you come home to hubby and have sex with him too during this time ? Did you ever do this on the same day ? And some of these men are known to your husband, one being his best friend ?

I really do not believe that you fully understand how damaging this is and what it takes to be able to do this - not just a cheater but more (I won't say what now that Matt says you know you did wrong - but I have doubts believing this). And its not until you really understand how vile this was that maybe you will be in a position to do the right thing - which is let your husband go.

And now, as if that is not bad enough, your husband is still "associating" with some of these men while trying to blow up some of their marriages too. I cannot understand how he can cope with being around them, much less stay friends with his former best friend! I for one will be honest and say unless he is damaged in some way, I would think less of him!

In any case, let him go so that he can really heal and you really need to work on yourself. Not just say that the affairs were your fault not his, but truly understand how badly it hurt your husband and also what a lot of work you need to do to understand why you did it and therefore how to repair yourself ("I needed attention" and "I know its a cliche" simply doesn't cut it here).

Let your husband go!


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

White knighting much mattmatt?

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You willingly and covertly cheated on your H! But only after being confronted about it did you decide to "come clean" by confessing to all of your atrocities of marital infidelity in written form!

If he still refuses to forgive you after you've laid out all of your dirty linen, then it's beyond time to move on and end this union!

Even God would treat you far better at judgment than how he's treating you!*


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Despara said:


> Hello....I need to get some advice on something. I will try to make a long story as short as I can. Over 2 years ago, my husband found some texts of a sexual nature on my phone. They were from his former high school/college best friend (they were no longer best friends at the time, but still friends). Obviously this was extremely upsetting to my husband. After he'd had a few weeks to process this, my husband wanted me to tell him anything and everything I'd ever done with someone else, so that if he could begin to think about forgiving me he knew exactly what he was dealing with. He was already aware of a previous affair I'd had with a man from several years ago.
> 
> I made this list, and made sure to put everything on there. I'd had affairs with numerous men, and done some other small things that were still very bad. This list caused my husband's world to be turned upside down....I hate myself every day for ever thinking that anything I was doing was somehow justifiable. It's hard to put into words the pain that my actions caused my husband, me, and my family. There were a few men on the list, especially his former best friend, that my husband was particularly antagonist towards, to the point of talking out loud about wanting to injure them somehow. Seeing his former best friend was especially hard for him, as they had some unavoidable contact due to their profession/hobbies.
> 
> ...


Are you happy he forgave you? And are you happy he forgave his friend?


You just are disapointed that you feel awkward uncomfortable when he goes out with this friend.and i won't be suprised if you use this to not respect him as a man so you can rationlize cheating on him again!


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## goldylox (Oct 15, 2017)

I have been on the receiving end of a serial cheater like yourself (who, thankfully, has since repented and completely changed his behavior) and I can tell you this: what your husband is doing, in allowing both you AND his old friend to still be in his life, is a very good sign that your husband is trying to forgive you both. It's a clear and pretty heroic effort on his part to get past the betrayal. I commend him. It takes time to heal wounds, so be patient and supportive. Who knows, maybe all three of you may be able to be in the same room together one day. But don't push it. Keep distancing yourself from those you've had any sort of infidelity with. It shows a level of commitment on your part, and it's necessary for your husbands healing. I would seriously recommend you do some soul searching and pray for your own forgiveness; until you know why you cheated, you won't be able to get past this yourself. Clearly you are hurting and ashamed by your own behavior - which shows that you have a good heart. But only God can cleanse you the way you need. Ask for His forgiveness and he will forgive you. Go and sin no more, Jesus says. Show your husband you love him and that you are sorry for what you did, and show him how you've changed. Be true to your husband and yourself -- stay faithful. Fidelity is brave, cheating is lame. I have every faith that you will do the right thing from now on... I think you really want to, anyway. If you are still struggling with thoughts of cheating, just remember, through God all things are possible. Good luck with everything.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Despara : If you no longer desire other men. Completely honest with yourself and your husband... then do what you can for your marriage and relationship with your H.

Let him KNOW that YOU want to stay. Give him anything he wants. That you are not there for security or keeping up appearances. If you offer him an "easy divorce" if he wants to leave - make it clear that YOU ARE NOT ASKING for a divorce.

A friend of mine was a serial cheater with her husband. They divorced by the time she was 21. Since then, she was never monogamous. No cheating, but also not being with just one guy.

Good luck.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

We would really need to be discussing your H's situation with him. It's hard to give you advice without knowing what's going on in his head. In most cases, it's not healthy for him to have this kind of relationship with the OM. 

You have to be honest with yourself and figure out if you're asking because you care about his well-being or you're asking because you want us to say it's okay so you can feel better.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Despara said:


> This feels like a cliche, but I really was just looking for attention that I thought I wasn't getting at home.
> 
> Maybe I missed it but did you convey your feelings about this to your H at the time? Or were you silent? it's one thing to have your H ignore you after you explain how you feel and another to keep it to yourself and use it as an excuse.
> 
> ...



My wife didn't mean to hurt me either. But she did.


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