# Sticky  Husband admitted (because he was caugh) he's bisexual.



## Sadandcrushed

Hi all! I am completely crushed and feel empty, lost, betrayed and lonely. That's way too many emotions. Here's my story.. I have been with my husband for 13 years. When we first got together I found a gay website at his work computer. I asked him what that was and he said "Oh, we were all just goofing off and laughing at different sites". I remember thinking "who goofs off like that?" I even asked him later if he was bisexual, because if he was, that was fine, but it was my choice if I wanted to stay in a relationship like that. He assured me he wasn't. I foolishly believed him and trusted his love, so here we are 13 years later. Our marriage went through a rough patch with is drinking too much and we weren't communicating. One day, he accidently hit Facebook live and was caught kissing another woman...ON LIVE FB. You can't make this stuff up...crazy. Anyway, I agreed to work on our marriage and he quit drinking. We were finally back to where we had been and I was so happy thinking we were going to be that couple that actually made it through and I felt so happy and hopeful. That happened 5 months ago. And then I got the biggest shock of my life. I looked at his messages and saw that the one day I went out of town for the day that he had texted a man. It started with "Hey Lover". I was blindsided and am still reeling. He yelled and screamed at me and made up some stupid excuse that made no sense. After two days of this, he finally admitted to me that he was bisexual. Had been for years and it was what happened in his last marriage. I'm his 4th wife. That infuriated me. I had asked him years ago and trusted his answer. He robbed me of my choice to decide all those years ago only to leave me reeling in a fog. He swears he loves me, and I believe that, but he lied and cheated. Admitted to at least three times. He says I'm his best and only friend and feels embarrased and I find myself trying to make him feel better while I'm still feeling my own intense pain. I can't believe this is my life. I can't be with him and need to file for divorce. I just can't believe this is my life. I'm 56 and lost those years where I could have been in a real relationship. It's so mean and cruel of him. Saying he's sorry means nothing. He's sorry I found out. He willingly kept this from me and betrayed our marriage and my heart. I don't know where to turn. So I'm reaching out hoping someone can tell me in time I will feel normal again.


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## Sfort

Sadandcrushed said:


> Hi all! I am completely crushed and feel empty, lost, betrayed and lonely. That's way too many emotions. Here's my story.. I have been with my husband for 13 years. When we first got together I found a gay website at his work computer. I asked him what that was and he said "Oh, we were all just goofing off and laughing at different sites". I remember thinking "who goofs off like that?" I even asked him later if he was bisexual, because if he was, that was fine, but it was my choice if I wanted to stay in a relationship like that. He assured me he wasn't. I foolishly believed him and trusted his love, so here we are 13 years later. Our marriage went through a rough patch with is drinking too much and we weren't communicating. One day, he accidently hit Facebook live and was caught kissing another woman...ON LIVE FB. You can't make this stuff up...crazy. Anyway, I agreed to work on our marriage and he quit drinking. We were finally back to where we had been and I was so happy thinking we were going to be that couple that actually made it through and I felt so happy and hopeful. That happened 5 months ago. And then I got the biggest shock of my life. I looked at his messages and saw that the one day I went out of town for the day that he had texted a man. It started with "Hey Lover". I was blindsided and am still reeling. He yelled and screamed at me and made up some stupid excuse that made no sense. After two days of this, he finally admitted to me that he was bisexual. Had been for years and it was what happened in his last marriage. I'm his 4th wife. That infuriated me. I had asked him years ago and trusted his answer. He robbed me of my choice to decide all those years ago only to leave me reeling in a fog. He swears he loves me, and I believe that, but he lied and cheated. Admitted to at least three times. He says I'm his best and only friend and feels embarrased and I find myself trying to make him feel better while I'm still feeling my own intense pain. I can't believe this is my life. I can't be with him and need to file for divorce. I just can't believe this is my life. I'm 56 and lost those years where I could have been in a real relationship. It's so mean and cruel of him. Saying he's sorry means nothing. He's sorry I found out. He willingly kept this from me and betrayed our marriage and my heart. I don't know where to turn. So I'm reaching out hoping someone can tell me in time I will feel normal again.


There's no "fixing" him. He's satisfied with where he is.


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## BigDaddyNY

I'm sure you can feel normal again. The first step is to leave. He has been lying to you for 13 years. He has cheated with both men and women and you will never know how many because he will only tell you the bare minimum to try to get what he wants. He isn't your best friend, he has treated you with zero respect. You have no reason to show him any sympathy. I don't know your history, but 3 previous marriages that failed and catching him on a gay website before you got married should have been huge red flags, but love often blinds us. It just means he has been lying since before you even got married. What he has done is the lowest of lows. Start divorce now and don't look back.


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## Evinrude58

I 


Sadandcrushed said:


> Hi all! I am completely crushed and feel empty, lost, betrayed and lonely. That's way too many emotions. Here's my story.. I have been with my husband for 13 years. When we first got together I found a gay website at his work computer. I asked him what that was and he said "Oh, we were all just goofing off and laughing at different sites". I remember thinking "who goofs off like that?" I even asked him later if he was bisexual, because if he was, that was fine, but it was my choice if I wanted to stay in a relationship like that. He assured me he wasn't. I foolishly believed him and trusted his love, so here we are 13 years later. Our marriage went through a rough patch with is drinking too much and we weren't communicating. One day, he accidently hit Facebook live and was caught kissing another woman...ON LIVE FB. You can't make this stuff up...crazy. Anyway, I agreed to work on our marriage and he quit drinking. We were finally back to where we had been and I was so happy thinking we were going to be that couple that actually made it through and I felt so happy and hopeful. That happened 5 months ago. And then I got the biggest shock of my life. I looked at his messages and saw that the one day I went out of town for the day that he had texted a man. It started with "Hey Lover". I was blindsided and am still reeling. He yelled and screamed at me and made up some stupid excuse that made no sense. After two days of this, he finally admitted to me that he was bisexual. Had been for years and it was what happened in his last marriage. I'm his 4th wife. That infuriated me. I had asked him years ago and trusted his answer. He robbed me of my choice to decide all those years ago only to leave me reeling in a fog. He swears he loves me, and I believe that, but he lied and cheated. Admitted to at least three times. He says I'm his best and only friend and feels embarrased and I find myself trying to make him feel better while I'm still feeling my own intense pain. I can't believe this is my life. I can't be with him and need to file for divorce. I just can't believe this is my life. I'm 56 and lost those years where I could have been in a real relationship. It's so mean and cruel of him. Saying he's sorry means nothing. He's sorry I found out. He willingly kept this from me and betrayed our marriage and my heart. I don't know where to turn. So I'm reaching out hoping someone can tell me in time I will feel normal again.


don’t know what to say. I’m very sorry this happened to you, but think you are doing the right thing. Put him behind you and move on. Lots of straight men out there.


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## Sadandcrushed

Thank you all for your responses. There were so many red flags but apparently I need red billboards. I couldn't feel more foolish. He honestly believes that if he gets into therapy we can work. I will NEVER look at this man the same again. Just so cruel to do to me... or anyone!


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## BigDaddyNY

Sadandcrushed said:


> Thank you all for your responses. There were so many red flags but apparently I need red billboards. I couldn't feel more foolish. He honestly believes that if he gets into therapy we can work. I will NEVER look at this man the same again. Just so cruel to do to me... or anyone!


It great that he wants to therapy, maybe it will make him a better person, but it shouldn't make you stick around IMO. You can't look at him the same. He isn't who you thought he was.


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## coquille

Sadandcrushed said:


> Thank you all for your responses. There were so many red flags but apparently I need red billboards. I couldn't feel more foolish. He honestly believes that if he gets into therapy we can work. I will NEVER look at this man the same again. Just so cruel to do to me... or anyone!


So sorry that this man betrayed your trust for so long. It is hard to experience this, but you need to remind yourself that he is the broken one. He lied and cheated on someone who trusted him and loved him. Don't believe whatever he says right now. He would say anything to keep you and keep playing his games. Just divorce and take the time to heal. You'll find someone who deserves you.


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## Marc878

Sorry you’re here. Let him go or get more pain.


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## Blondilocks

Therapy won't fix his bisexuality. It might teach him not to lie about it - but, it's too late to close that barn door.


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## Affaircare

Also, @Sadandcrushed, on behalf of bisexual people everywhere, let me just state for a fact here and now that being bisexual DOES NOT mean being unfaithful. I consider myself bisexual, meaning I can be attracted to someone of either gender, but when I am committed and with a partner, I am with them and only them and no one else BUT them. Make sense? Bisexual does not equate to committing adultery. Being dishonest and have sex outside the committed relationship is adultery. Get it? He could have CHOSEN to commit to you and be sexually faithful to you, even if he does have interest in both genders, but instead he chose to break his promises, lie and cheat. 

If he's had four wives and he's acted on his bisexuality in all his marriages and the marriages have ended because of it, guess what? THAT IS WHO HE IS. When someone shows you who they are...believe them. I am so sorry he treated you like this, but kuddos to you for taking a stand for yourself and not tolerating the intolerable.


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## Diana7

You being his forth wife was a major red flag, I am guessing the same thing happened to end those marriages. It was very wrong if him to lie to get you to marry him, but even if he is bisexual there is no need for him to go after men. He could have still been faithful. 

So sorry this has happened.


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## GC1234

Sadandcrushed said:


> Hi all! I am completely crushed and feel empty, lost, betrayed and lonely. That's way too many emotions. Here's my story.. I have been with my husband for 13 years. When we first got together I found a gay website at his work computer. I asked him what that was and he said "Oh, we were all just goofing off and laughing at different sites". I remember thinking "who goofs off like that?" I even asked him later if he was bisexual, because if he was, that was fine, but it was my choice if I wanted to stay in a relationship like that. He assured me he wasn't. I foolishly believed him and trusted his love, so here we are 13 years later. Our marriage went through a rough patch with is drinking too much and we weren't communicating. One day, he accidently hit Facebook live and was caught kissing another woman...ON LIVE FB. You can't make this stuff up...crazy. Anyway, I agreed to work on our marriage and he quit drinking. We were finally back to where we had been and I was so happy thinking we were going to be that couple that actually made it through and I felt so happy and hopeful. That happened 5 months ago. And then I got the biggest shock of my life. I looked at his messages and saw that the one day I went out of town for the day that he had texted a man. It started with "Hey Lover". I was blindsided and am still reeling. He yelled and screamed at me and made up some stupid excuse that made no sense. After two days of this, he finally admitted to me that he was bisexual. Had been for years and it was what happened in his last marriage. I'm his 4th wife. That infuriated me. I had asked him years ago and trusted his answer. He robbed me of my choice to decide all those years ago only to leave me reeling in a fog. He swears he loves me, and I believe that, but he lied and cheated. Admitted to at least three times. He says I'm his best and only friend and feels embarrased and I find myself trying to make him feel better while I'm still feeling my own intense pain. I can't believe this is my life. I can't be with him and need to file for divorce. I just can't believe this is my life. I'm 56 and lost those years where I could have been in a real relationship. It's so mean and cruel of him. Saying he's sorry means nothing. He's sorry I found out. He willingly kept this from me and betrayed our marriage and my heart. I don't know where to turn. So I'm reaching out hoping someone can tell me in time I will feel normal again.


He did rob you of your choice, I agree with that. But also, he DOES NOT have to rob you of your future. You know what you know now, and I think it's quite commendable that you've tried to work on it, even when he was caught kissing another woman. I think it's time for you to move on. And I know that's hard, because it will feel like your stability will be pulled out from under you. 

But, look at the situation in front of you. Your marriage, sadly was built on a lie/many lies. And a weak foundation will only lead to future problems. The cycle will continue.


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## Sadandcrushed

You all are the best. I can't tell you how comforting it is to hear support. I'm amazed that he keeps saying how much he loves me and I'm his world... when he has treated me like trash for his own selfish secret and deception. So cruel. And, he has built this complete facade, big muscles, tattoos and a motorcycle and is horrified for anyone to know. When the one person who should have known and even ASKED is ME!!


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## Blondilocks

Sadandcrushed said:


> You all are the best. I can't tell you how comforting it is to hear support. I'm amazed that he keeps saying how much he loves me and I'm his world... when he has treated me like trash for his own selfish secret and deception. So cruel. *And, he has built this complete facade, big muscles, tattoos and a motorcycle and is horrified for anyone to know.* When the one person who should have known and even ASKED is ME!!


I really don't think men develop big muscles, get tattoos and a motorcycle to impress _women. He's a man's man._ lol There is nothing wrong with being bisexual as long as you don't fool your partner into thinking you're not.


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## Sadandcrushed

There is nothing wrong with it. But he lied at the beginning of our relationship when asked and here I am finding out he has acted on it many times. THAT is wrong. THAT is cruel.


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## dubsey

Blondilocks said:


> I really don't think men develop big muscles, get tattoos and a motorcycle to impress _women. He's a man's man._ lol There is nothing wrong with being bisexual as long as you don't fool your partner into thinking you're not.


Mostly all of this.

The problem isn't your husband is a bisexual, or even that you don't know about it. The problem is your husband is a cheater. Full stop.

I have two pairs of M/F married friends who are bisexual. That reads weird - they're two separate couples who don't know each other. At any rate, all 4 of them are bisexual, but married hetero. Of course, when someone new learns, they always have to explain they're bisexual, but it doesn't matter. They chose to marry each other because they loved that person. Your husband could be completely telling the truth when he says that to you.

Like, as a married man, I can be married to my wife, love her, think she's hot, and still think other women are sexy and hot. It doesn't mean I get to go have sex with them. 

So, your husband is bisexual. He also thinks some men are hot. It doesn't mean he gets to have sex with them.


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## Affaircare

^^^^^^ This!

We're blind, not dead, but guess what? When you make a promise, it is reasonable to expect you to keep that promise. Getting married = FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. The end.

@Sadandcrushed, when he keeps saying how much he loves you and you're his world, I want you to do me a favor. Run those statements through the Male Bovine Doodoo Translator. Let's translate what he is saying:
"When you actually love someone, you treat them in a loving way! Is lying to their face "loving"? No? Then you don't love her! If you DID love her you would have treated her with kindness, gentleness, HONESTY and RESPECT!"
"When someone is your world, you think of and desire only them. Did you think of and desire only her? No? You thought of and desired another person--a male person? Then she isn't your world! If she was your world, you would be enraptured by her and set boundaries on yourself to protect her from your inability to be faithful! (Dumbass). "

I'm trying to be a little bitingly funny there, but in real life he can puff hot air across his vocal chords all he wants and form his lips in any way to make sounds we recognize as words that have definitions in the dictionary, but guess what? All that hot air isn't worth a thing if the actions don't match.


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## Al_Bundy

He stole 13yrs, don't let him steal another day.


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## frenchpaddy

so where are you today with him and his bi , does he have sex with others while with you has he ever got an STD or is he bi without fooling around , does he want you to play with other men and do you want to stay with him now that you know , I would not look on the years you spent with him as a total mistake but more that he was foolish to try hide this important info from you his mistake and not yours , you gave honestly and have nothing to be sorry about , it is not your doing , you did not see the red flag when you give your trust , 
I agree with the others that say been bi is not a bad thing but been bi and cheating is , just because he cheated if he did with men does not change a thing even though many men seem to be ok with a wife that plays with other women ,


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## LeahTaylor

You know, reading this gives me a major throwback. Girl, I've literally been in the same situation as you! It's horrible! I've been together with my husband for 15 years! 15 years, can you imagine? And one day, I got home earlier from work and found him with a man in our bed! I was crushed! I honestly felt like I would rather be dead. If my kids weren't supporting me, then I wouldn't probably be alive today. Girl, nothing helped than seeking some relationship counselling! Please, please, do that as well! It will eventually pass; just give it time! And don't forget, our lovely community is here for you!


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## Numb26

Been through what you are going through. Best thing is to leave


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## Talker67

you are his fourth wife? 
i guess that was a big red flag you chiose to ignore before you married him: why can he not stay married?

not sure what, at this late date, you are looking for us to answer. if he is bi, with a gay lover, either you are OK with that, or you divorce him. not sure Reconciliation with a gay cheating husband who did it to you and at least his last marriage is going to ever work.

Being Bisexual is not necessarily a deal breaker in marriage, but the Bi person has to never have same-sex again, as that would be cheating. Let them watch some porn maybe, but no physical same sex contact for the rest of their lives.


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## lifeistooshort

OP hasn't been back for 7 months, so this thread is now closed.


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