# do you dream of someone new?



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

For the past 14 years I have been so madly in love with my H that I have willingly overlooked all the bad things about him. I have overlooked the fact he has repeatedly cheated on me. I have overlooked the fact that he constantly lies to me. I have overlooked the fact that we lost our home to foreclosure (6 years ago now) because he spent that money on OW. I overlooked the fact that he missed the birth of our daughter bc he was with OW. I have overlooked the fact that he has made me feel like I was stupid and unworthy. (he made me feel this way even though I graduated college with a 3.9 gpa) He made me feel like I was the bad one, like I was the one who did him wrong. And it happened so much that I was the one who apologized to him for being a bad wife and "making" him cheat on me. For the past 14 yrs, I have been so blindly in love with this man that I refused to face the truth. I would spend my days hoping beyond hope that he would change. I would spend my days catering to his every whim hoping he would see how much I loved. I wanted him to love me like I loved him. I would often fantasize about him being the man that I wanted and needed. I dreamed about him wanting me the same I wanted him. Now, after all these years, I think I'm starting to lose that hope. I have recently found myself fantasizing about a new man. I have found myself wishing that I would meet someone who would love, appreciate and cherish me. Someone who would be as loyal to me as I would to them. Someone who would spend time with me simply because they wanted to. I always wished my H would be this person. I am now finally coming to this realization that this will never happen with him. Even though we are still together, I have never felt so alone. Have any of you been through something similar? Where you found yourself starting to realize that your spouse wont be who you need them to be and you start to dream of someone new?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Girl, take your power back, if he has done this for so long, you are at a point now to take your power back, DO IT!!! I am in limbo, but I am doing stuff for ME!!! My situation is radically different, but I have come to see the light LOL. If he has repeatedly cheated on you, a beautiful capable woman, over an amount of years, then he's not worth it. Take your power back gorgeous!!!!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

There was no infidelity in my marriage. Nothing bad. Just no love, no passion. We both allowed our marriage to get into a rut. Then I realized we were both not getting any younger. I made a decision to work on my marriage. 2 years after starting that process, and almost a year since realizing she had emotionally left me a decade ago, never to return, I want someone to want me. I want someone to desire my kisses. I want someone to enjoy my company. That woman will never be my wife. I fear never was. 

I was never good at meeting women when I was young and single. Being old, and married, and out of the game for 20 years isn't going to make the process easier, but I'm trying. I will not give up.

I gave my wife first dibs on me. And second, third and fourth. She's not interested. I hope I can find someone who is before it's too late.

Go for it. You deserve it more than me and i have no problem with it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

As bad as i feel about it, and as wrong and counterproductive as it appears, yes, i do too. the pain and hurt and devastation ive faced after everything, just seems as if it was not "meant to be" in some fairy tale way. i never knew to what extent that emotional issues could escalate into where my wife and I are now in this "marriage".

I want to take my child and join a woman who has a child that mine can play with and be a big happy family.
I want to go on trips to the beach and enjoy that which I myself have been raised with, but only face the daily reminder of someone else who has won my wife's heart. 
I want to have the kind of Christmases and Thanksgivings that I was raised with in a big family. My wife, wants her other man.
My little girl needs me, as my wife is completely out of her mind.
Yes, I dream of someone new.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

You seem to have overlooked a lot of thing. Have you ever forgiven him for any of it?

I dont see this as a "leave the bum" situation. Personally I am sick of this "my needs" "my wants" and " me me me" world of ours. 

If you leave him, dont do it because you want someone new. Leave for a a bunch of other reasons that are less self centered. 

Take care of yourself and your needs, but don't divorce because you need someone to fill you up. Isnt that how affairs start in the first place? I dont remember anything in my vows about my wife promising to make me feel good and make me feel complete. 

If you get in a new relationship now, you will be a needy person, and that cant end well. Find independant happieness. 

There are a million reasons to leave a relationship, but i dont think this is one of those.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I sort of figured that was a given. 
Im sure many realize the codependence issues at play, but it was nice just to answer the question with honesty, and not necessarily pick it apart for medicinal needs. Without expectations of being treated with love, tenderness, affection, respect, how can you offer the same, until your tank runs dry? Self centeredness is not the same as ultimately realizing your own needs in terms of emotional health, and wellness. The part of your vows that were promised were indeed all about completing you and making at least an effort to better your life, while in the meantime, lovingly expecting you to do the same. 
I dont think that feeling like a door mat with someone emotionally abusive is being needy or a poor reason to seek a better life. I can forgive, from a distance.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Who cares about what anyone else is doing. 

I want to hear a plan on how you are going to bring this about. That's the way to get support. 

Now get to steppin' :whip: ....times a wastin'....

You have one week to come up with a preliminary plan. You may ask for information and assistance however you must do your own work. 

Failure is not an option. 

Provide more info kids, job husbands money etc


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Oh I think we all have these little dips of "if only"... It doesn't mean all the other work isn't being done. It just means that sometimes it's nice to think about the time when all of this drama and transition is done, you know?

Heck, I'd consider myself one of the strongest, most independent people I know. But tonight, my GI stuff is acting up, I'm fighting off a migraine, my mom's arriving in 2 days and I've got cleaning and laundry to deal with for that...I'm not even a snuggly person and I find myself wishing for someone to curl up on the couch with.

But I'll put away the laundry, have some tea and do a few other things, get to bed a little early and tomorrow get back to it all. Tonight though, it would be nice if things were a little different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Catherine, thank you for your response. You are right. It's time I took care of me. I have lived for so many years now with no self esteem at all. I've focused so much on his happiness that I lost any I ever had within myself. And then I felt worse, because giving him everything wasn't enough to make him stay faithful to me.
We have 3 kids (15,13 and 6). I work part time at a library.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yes. Again, our situation is similar. I feel the same way about the betrayal. We also have 3 kids (7, 9, and 10). I was extremely tempted a week or so ago. An attractive lady gave me attention when I was shopping at her place of employment. My wife said she wanted to meet OM. I called and asked this lady out. She accepted immediately. Wow! My wife of 13 years declines offers for dates to play online with loverboy. This attractive lady accepted immediately and I have never done anything for her. 

However, I came to my senses thanks to the advice on this website. That would have been a big mistake for many reasons. Two wrongs don't make a right. It would muddy the water if we get a divorce. The relationship with the new girl most likely wouldn't survive anyway since it would be a rebound relationship. I called her back the next day and cancelled the date. I told her I am still married and shouldn't date right now, even though my wife has been having an affair for 9 months. 

Yes, it is much easier to think about starting over with someone new. Staying with someone who doesn't seem to give a flip about you isn't easy. One thing that helps me is to look at it like practice dating for later. If I can become a great husband to someone who doesn't want me, just imagine how awesome I can be with someone who does later on.

I agree strongly with the advice that you should either work out the current relationship or end it officially before considering dating other people. Even after a divorce, a period of time would probably be best before dating. Just my opinion.


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