# Kids won't get along - share of the blame?



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

2 kids. Boy, 10, and Girl, 6. 

Sometimes, Boy is bothering Girl. In this case, Boy is told to knock it off because he's being mean and disturbing the peace. 

Sometimes, Girl is bothering Boy. In these cases, Boy is still usually told to stop his behavior, because he's older and should know better and he's being a bit of a drama queen. 

Anyone else find themselves in this situation a lot?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why would you get after your son when your daughter is bugging him? That makes no sense to me. And no, I didn't find myself in that situation. 

If my youngest was bugging my oldest, I'd get after her, or deflect her away from him. He would deserve that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Upon reading my first post I realize I should've been more clear. 

What we get after 10 year old about is reacting like a 5 year old. That's the part I don't even put up with. 

Like if 10 year old decides to come smash 5 year olds Frozen playset and ruin her whole friggin day, I'm coming down on him for it. Gonna be like "WTF is the matter with you?"

If 5 year old is making up cutesy nicknames for people and decides to call her brother "Jeffrey Weffrey!" and he starts crying, throwing things and runs down to his room to hide, I'm like "whatever." If he makes a big enough deal out of it I'll tell him to knock it off, or he can lose the big-boy privileges that he has currently earned for being the older brother.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I still don't get it...why wouldn't you tell 5 year old to knock it off if she's annoying big brother?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would expect my 10 year old to act in a more mature manner than the 5 year old, and in the case you describe, I would have to get after both of them, I think. Separate them, as a starting point. And try to give the 10 year old some ways of dealing with his bratty little sister.

C


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This issue has multiple layers.

The 5y/o. She is old enough to converse. When there is no drama going on and brother isn't around, ask her "when you called your brother jeffrey-weffry, you knew that would drive him nuts, didn't you?" Say it pleasantly because you want her to be honest and not fear getting in trouble. Likely she knew very well. If she were just rhyming and being absent minded, that's different. But find out if she is intentionally antagonizing him.

If she is, then tell her that you are a family and everyone needs to TRY to be thoughtful and kind to each other. If she says anything like "but he...!" stop her and say you are talking to her right now. Tell her how much she will appreciate having a big brother look out for her one day and she needs to be sure he has reason to WANT to. Have her list 3 things about him she likes. 

Now tell her that every day that she doesn't antagonize her brother, she will get a sticker/mark/etc. on a chart/calendar. And when she has TEN IN A ROW she can [fill in reward]. It has to be a number she can count to. Hang a calendar on her bedroom door.

Then talk to son. Acknowledge that he is much older - give him some pride in that. More capable, knows more. If you can illustrate when HE annoyed someone/something when he was that age (pulled the cat's tail, picked on a friend). Tell him that part of growing up is acting more mature. And that the older he gets the more he will be expected to be able to handle. But that it comes with cool things, too. Like riding a bike or staying at a friend's house or being the first to get a cell phone.

Now give him some coping skills and for a while help him out wtih this. Tell him next time his sister aggravates him, to take a deep breath, don't say a word and go somewhere else. Maybe the garage if you have one, and count to ten and to list 3 things about his little sister he likes. And when you overhear something and can tell he's about to overreact, kindly go to him and say "I think now is a good time to go to the garage" say it with a smile, go WITH him and let him vent verbally to you. Eventually he will be able to mentally step back, adjust and continue. Give him a chart/calendar, too. If this is harder for him, tell him if you observe him showing restraint or working on coping better then after 5 times you'll [fill in reward]. 

Now the third layer which I already touched on. YOU. You and your wife need to be on board with this. And you both need to be consistent. You need to focus on positive reinforcement. The goal is to keep D5 from being antagonistic and S10 from being reactive. But kids learn these skills. They ARE skills. They aren't BORN knowing how to handle themselves socially or emotionally.

ETA - demonstrate these skills yourself. And tell them how proud you are when you can tell they stopped themselves from undesirable behavior. When they fail, tell them you are disappointed. No yelling at them. In fact, if one of htem is screaming/yelling, speak quietly. You will be surprised - they will quiet down to hear you. Don't give either behavior the reward of attention. If D is acting up, go to son and do something positive with him like "show me that drawing you did again!" and walk to his room leaving the D frustrated and confused. Same with D if S is overreacting. 

But use caution - you don't want to invalidate his feelings (or hers). They feel what they feel. Even if YOU think they shouldn't feel slighted/annoyed/etc. they DO.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Let the kids be kids.

Take ANY 2 individuals and put them into one place....over time....there WILL be conflict.

Also, I would NOT resolve their problems for them on regular basis (from time to time).

They need to resolve it themselves and learn the hard way.

Think about when you were little OP. I don't know about you but my brother and I used to beat each other up quite a bit....no mom/dad around to stop us. Things got crazy at times, but we survived.....are just fine now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jadiel said:


> If 5 year old is making up cutesy nicknames for people and decides to call her brother "Jeffrey Weffrey!" and he starts crying, throwing things and runs down to his room to hide, I'm like "whatever." If he makes a big enough deal out of it I'll tell him to knock it off, or he can lose the big-boy privileges that he has currently earned for being the older brother.


I love how you describe him as destructive and mean and immature, but you use words like "cutesy" to describe her behavior. And I'm sure your son sees it, too.


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