# Wife wants to move, not sure I want to



## elmondo (Apr 25, 2013)

My wife and I have been married 1.5 years, and we moved to CA from ID. I have three kids, two live 20 minutes away and are 12 and 16. She has two kids, one 18 in ID and the other 25 in KY. She has a full-time job locally, and my ex-wife where the kids spend a lot of time during the week for school, lives 20 minutes away.

She wants to move, and I can't blame her. We live in SoCal and yeah, its expensive, taxes are high, schools are poor, etc., but her primary motivation is to be within 3-4 hours of her daughter so that when she finally does have a baby,she can be closer to her grandchild. My job thrives in SoCal. I work in the technology sector and it does really well here.

My kids love their mom as they should. They love me too - so the thought of me leaving would devastate them. But at the same time, the thought that i'm holding back my wife from what she wants is bothering me to the point I'm not sure what to do or say.

I can't leave my kids, and I don't want to separate them from their mom either, nor do I want a long distance relationship with either the wife or kids. Yet, I know she wants to leave, I kind of would like to, but the timing is just not right for me.

Looks like my options are (1) let her go, divorce. (2) Go, and crush the kids, (3) move someplace in the middle, but that's not going to work for either of us.

Moving towards KY/OH/TN wasn't on the table when we got married, but like most things in life, plans change. 

What do others think?


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

*Re: Re: Wife wants to move, not sure I want to*



elmondo said:


> She wants to move, and I can't blame her. We live in SoCal and yeah, its expensive, taxes are high, schools are poor, etc., but her primary motivation is to be within 3-4 hours of her daughter so that when she finally does have a baby,she can be closer to her grandchild.


Perhaps think about moving when your kids are grown, like hers are...not when they are 12. That makes no sense at all.


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

Your wife has had the chance to raise her children. You should have that same opportunity.

Is it more important at this time for a grandparent to be near a grandchild or for a parent to be near their children so that they can raise them.

I personally think that this is a hard situation. But remember that your children arent going to be kids forever. Your youngest is just a tween turning into a teenager, some of the hardest years for a kid. You want to be there to make sure that they make the right choices in life that can affect the rest of their lives. Moving them away from the mom and friends and schools should not even be an option. It is not the child's nor your ex-wifes fault that your current wife wants to move away.

It is only 6 years that the youngest will be 18. That doesn't seem like an unreasonable time to wait to move. 

Also the job situation should be kept in mind. The job market is still not 100 percent, so you may have to downgrade your lifestyle dramatically if you cannot find a job in your field that pays as much.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

It's more important that you raise your child, in-person, than that she grandparents in-person. And that is that. Don't leave your kids.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your children will grow up. Wait. Her children are adults and she doesn't even have grandchildren yet.

Maybe she just dislikes SoCal and is looking for an excuse to go back home. I lived there once and while I enjoyed my life there, and hated leaving, it isn't for everyone.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Don't leave your kids. They need their father and any woman who would expect you to leave them isn't a very good wife.


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## elmondo (Apr 25, 2013)

Thank you every one for responding. I have officially decided to stand by my decision and...... 1....2....3.....

Stay with the kids. 

She may not leave, but at this point, I really wish her well if she does. I love her, but I'm not going to put my kids through that.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

You made a major life decision based on 5 opinions from random strangers on the internet. 

Wow. 

That's amazing.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Explain to your wife that you need to be near your young children until they reach adulthood. Remind her that you might not be able to support yourselves financially if you more away from your current job. If your finances will stand it why not look into the cost of her flying up to see her family on a semi regular basis. Reassure her that you are willing to revisit the situation in the future.

If your wife insists on moving now then wish her well and let her go on her own. If she does you may be able to continue a long distance relationship but do not pin all your hopes on that working.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You might ask your wife what she was gonna do for money, had the 2 of you left, and you quit your job-------jobs ain't so easy to come by these days---especially those with a good pay scale, not to mention retirement benefits---unless you were planning on working till you are 75 yrs old---which you may need to do anyway, with the economy the way it is

Sounds like you guys just like to bounce around, works for some, doesn't work for others


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

northland said:


> You made a major life decision based on 5 opinions from random strangers on the internet.
> 
> Wow.
> 
> That's amazing.


Are you serious?

He didnt want to leave his kids. He just needed validation for a decision that he was already leaning towards.

Nice of you to insult his intelligence and ability to make a decision.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

northland said:


> You made a major life decision based on 5 opinions from random strangers on the internet.
> 
> Wow.
> 
> That's amazing.


I don't see where he stated his decision was "based on 5 opinions from random strangers on the internet." Where'd you see that?


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Are you serious?
> 
> He didnt want to leave his kids. He just needed validation for a decision that he was already leaning towards.
> 
> Nice of you to insult his intelligence and ability to make a decision.


There are thinkers, then there are those who couldn't think their way out of a paper bag.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'd be inclined to stay in place for 6 years. The youngest would be 18 by then. Your wife has two kids, each separated by vast distances from the other. Conceivably, she's going to end up with grandkids in Idaho, Kentucky, and California, maybe other places, too. You can't move to another state every time one of your children is expecting. It'd be unfair to spend a majority of your time with one set of grandchildren and ignore the others. I'd stay in place for the time being and let wife go for an extended visit to Kentucky to help with the baby, etc. Nobody's going to want Grandma under foot every day for years at a time but it'd be handy for her to be there for a few weeks/months. 
In a perfect world everyone would get to live in Tennessee but we just can't take all of y'all. We do have airports and so does Kentucky. You're welcome to visit. We've got technology California can't even dream about. We built the atom bomb. California hasn't blown anyone up. If you want a high-speed, low drag job, Tennessee is your place. We also have no state income tax.


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