# Discovered my wife's chat/emails (while pregnant)



## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

Arranged: July 2010
Engaged: Aug 2010
Married: Feb 2011
Baby Girl: Dec 2011

Wife's contact with old bf's:

Before July 2010 (that she told me)
------------------------
Nov 2009
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010

After July 2010 (Getting arranged)
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Aug 2010
Sept 2010
Nov 2010
Dec 2010
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After getting pregnant
-------------------------------
May 2011
Jun 2011
July 2011

please understand my emotional state. Thanks.

My wife told me that she approached the other guy to marry her a day before our engagement to marry her and he denied saying it was too late. They did not move forward because of societal pressure, my wifes brother not being comfortable about that guy. Before that (july 2010) she was also chatting and talking to two other guys, it was mostly flirtatious. She was on the lookout for good guys for 2-3 years before our marriage.

I talked to her at the end of July 2011. She was furious and shouting and didn't want to tell anything, she tried to lie in all kind of ways and revealed all the truths slowly as I mentioned what I had read in her chats. In one of the chats - Jun 2011 she wrote:- (to the other guy )

"I DON'T HAVE THOSE FEELINGS FOR ANYONE NOW"

The other guy seemed to tell her to stay true to the marriage.
Since ours was an arranged marriage, I didn't get to know her much, she's very crafty and hides things from me. I contacted the two of her old bf's and asked and they denied any physical contact. I have seen "I Love U" messages to them from my wife. SHE has been very slow and unwilling of telling the truth about her past. I had to beg her for days during the pregnancy to tell the truth and speak it all. She forced me to show messages before telling the truth. She tries to bring to fault my mother, sister and sister-in-law, they have been in contact for only 8 days and we live separately.

NOW:
I can't trust her, she keeps saying that she'll not contact them ever and it was the biggest mistake of her life. Asks me to get over it. She has never been very open about talking about this. I feel like talking more about the subject and ask her about every line of chat and every relationship she's had.. to be able to develop trust. At home with a baby 1 month old today ....not sure how should I proceed and heal my feelings and develop a strong bond, getting away isn't an option...please help me with tips and your take on the entire issue. 

I do masturbate and watch porn to rest my sexual tension, we've had sex 5-10 times in the last 9 months. She doesn't seem to very interested or sexually attracted to me. I'm the one who always initiates. May be its a phase of time and things will sort out. Please be kind to leave your thoughts and share experiences.

I'll check and reply within 6hrs. 
We've had some good sex and happy times, she now doesn't want to talk about it, and say's she's over it.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

If arranged marriage means indeed that you talk for a few days, get married and fall in love later..........I'm sorry but I don't see how you can expect anything out of that. I couldn't imagine having to marry someone I'm not in love with, being expected to share a bed and myself with someone I don't love. I would try to get out of it as fast as possible. I understand this isn't going to be very helpful to you but maybe your wife doesn't really want to be married to you because she doesn't love you.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> maybe your wife doesn't really want to be married to you because she doesn't love you.


Thanks, you are right, this appears to be the case, she has told me that she likes some of my habits and dislikes several others. 

Getting out is not an option as we have a baby now and the societal pressure, both of us want to make it work, we or atleast I'm trying to understand what makes her happy..


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

I was told once by an Indian friend that it takes a decade of shared memories of raising children and family life for most arranged married couples to form a deep and lasting bond...........he even admited that their is often infadelity of the heart / body on both sides (love / lust attractions).....during the 10 years......lots of mature acceptance and embracement of society norms to survive.

Said, that it is difficult for those in the UK or US or other western country to hold to the customs of marriage....society pressure lessons, outside influences and acceptance, and safety nets. 

You to need to do a lot of talking and come to an understanding.....you cannot force love and attraction.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

calif_hope said:


> I was told once by an Indian friend that it takes a decade of shared memories of raising children and family life for most arranged married couples to form a deep and lasting bond...........he even admited that their is often infadelity of the heart / body on both sides (love / lust attractions).....during the 10 years......lots of mature acceptance and embracement of society norms to survive.
> 
> Said, that it is difficult for those in the UK or US or other western country to hold to the customs of marriage....society pressure lessons, outside influences and acceptance, and safety nets.
> 
> You to need to do a lot of talking and come to an understanding.....you cannot force love and attraction.


great advice, thank you.

should I talk to her about the past boyfriends? and the guy she loved (she has accepted). She also says that the guy had bad things about him, she loved him, but not anymore, now she's out and want to be out of it. 

I felt that she should have told me about it and be open. I'm deeply hurt that she didn't tell me about it. I give her a lot of space and allow her do whatever she likes. Recently I've blocked her facebook and she's okay with it ! 

"you cannot force love and attraction" very true but how can I develop it and not hamper and go the right direction. Some NOT todo's or any help would be of great help.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

I am not from your culture...but I think that you both have to put away your hurts and fears and talk to each other.......give each other the ability to share things without the fear of anger in coming clean about the past......

Establish the expectation of openess from this point forward, but it has to be safe for both of you to be open....you may have to hold you immediate reaction, come to terms, then respond. She as well as you have to fell safe when you share. 

Talk to each other about hopes, dreams, goals, and EXPECTATIONS.....simply get to know each other.

Masque 9.........I suggest that you court and seduce your wife, courting to create a love bond, seducing to get her to want the life you both can create for each other and your children. And Masque 9, never stop courting your wife!


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I can't wrap my head around a concept like that. I apologize and I don't mean to offend but I would be unhappy beyond belief having to be married to, conceive and raise a child with someone I'm not in love with.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> I can't wrap my head around a concept like that. I apologize and I don't mean to offend but I would be unhappy beyond belief having to be married to, conceive and raise a child with someone I'm not in love with.


Well, we did talk and have a good time when engaged and "I'm in LOVE" with her, she's had a past, physical or non physical I don't care, the thing is I want to move forward and get somehelp to move forward. She's understanding, but immature and crafty, hides her feelings, also I'm not that courteous to women, so I need to improve too. The culture you see here is different and hard to digest, but it works and I've to make it work in this case also.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

calif_hope said:


> .I suggest that you court and seduce your wife, courting to create a love bond, seducing to get her to want the life you both can create for each other and your children. And Masque 9, never stop courting your wife!


Thanks again, that's a weakness of mine, I'm a somewhat of a thrifty guy, may be it's too much to ask, but some examples of courting or being courteous would be helpful. I'm trying to look at other places from the pointers you gave..


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I can't wrap my head around a concept like that. I apologize and I don't mean to offend but I would be unhappy beyond belief having to be married to, conceive and raise a child with someone I'm not in love with.


LOL......FourtyPlus, some people can't wrap their heads around the idea of looking for a spouse in bars or on the internet.....but some people says it works......


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

masque9 said:


> Thanks again, that's a weakness of mine, I'm a somewhat of a thrifty guy, may be it's too much to ask, but some examples of courting or being courteous would be helpful. I'm trying to look at other places from the pointers you gave..


OK Masque9....the following is being typed by my significant other - my soon to be wife....she does not have an account.


1. You don't need money, just get creative, look to the poets.
2. Treat her like she is your Queen but don't let her walk all over you.
3. Take the lead, be a MAN as your culture dictates - but don't become a disrespectful dictator. 
4. Tell her you love her, that she is beautiful and mean it...every day
5. When you walk by her, touch her, small soft glances.
6. Even if it is common in your culture.....she is your wife, not your slave....help around the house, don't make her serve you, let her walk beside you not behind you......you are not her king, you are her life partner, remember that.
7. Love her


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Yeah but you know what they say about people you pick up at a bar....they're great fun but you don't take them home to meet the parents at Sunday night dinner.

Masque, be the man she wants to be with. If she likes romantic dinners, either cook her something good and light some candles or arrange for a baby sitter and take her out for dinner. Kind of like dating, you know? Make efforts to get to know her, what does she like, what are her thoughts. If you show genuine interest in her, she will eventually open up. Give her flowers, give gifts and they don't need to be expensive. Most importantly, help out with the baby! Whatever help she needs, be there for her! Something as little as a hug and a good word like "You are doing a great job being a Mom!" can mean the world! And never ever stop showing an interest in her thoughts, opinions and likes.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

calif_hope said:


> OK Masque9....the following is being typed by my significant other - my soon to be wife....she does not have an account.
> 
> 
> 1. You don't need money, just get creative, look to the poets.
> ...


It seems to me that you somehow think I try to boss her. I DONT.
The time when I read those chats in July 2011 saying that she loved this other guy and he reciprocated. I would make breakfast and keep it next to her and leave for office. After office I would do the dishes.
At that time:- After her breakfast she would talk to this ex-lover / boyfriend and then behave with me in absurd fashion and blame me for reading chats and say lies that she never had anything with anyone it was just a friendly text and chat.

I had to show her each and every chat to open her up. Later after a month or more she opened a bit and explained and told things that were not in the chat. I'm still not sure if it was physical or not, although from there level of talk it seems that it was physical, she says otherwise, in my mind its a 50-50.

I feel like threatening her to tell everything to her parents etc. if she broke the promise again. My mind is all messed up, I love her, but I'm hurt and don't know how should I leave all this mess that she has created in my life: BEHIND.

Your pointers are good, will try to work on those.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> "You are doing a great job being a Mom!" can mean the world! And never ever stop showing an interest in her thoughts, opinions and likes.


Will definitely say this line 
But somehow, why do you feel that the mistake is all mine, why does she deserve all this good treatment and I eat up all my anger?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I can only answer this from a westerners point of view: Your wife might not be in love with you but you are in love with her, right? So the two of you are starting off on different levels. I imagine you are looking to win her love and that's going to take work. 
You might have expected that she is going to submit into the arranged marriage and switch off feelings she might have had for someone else or kiss good bye the hope of a marriage for love and love only. 
Again, from my point of view I don't understand why you would be angry. Like someone posted before and as you have also said, in an arranged marriage love comes much later if it comes at all.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

I'm not sure this board is equipt to handle arranged marriages. They are a different emotional state. Have you considered talking to a religious leader of yours? Love grows out of arranged marriages, it doesnt magically appear. 

In order for your love to grow, however, she cannot be speaking to past loves. It is disrespectful. If you have any hope you need to work together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

lou said:


> I'm not sure this board is equipt to handle arranged marriages. They are a different emotional state. Have you considered talking to a religious leader of yours? Love grows out of arranged marriages, it doesnt magically appear.
> 
> In order for your love to grow, however, she cannot be speaking to past loves. It is disrespectful. If you have any hope you need to work together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


may be there are some experts with years of happy marriage under their belt...please give pointers


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

lou said:


> In order for your love to grow, however, she cannot be speaking to past loves. It is disrespectful. If you have any hope you need to work together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right may be she doesn't want to dig the past and talk about it openly coz its disrespectful..


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

Should i show her this thread and be open about all my feelings ?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> If arranged marriage means indeed that you talk for a few days, get married and fall in love later..........I'm sorry but I don't see how you can expect anything out of that. I couldn't imagine having to marry someone I'm not in love with, being expected to share a bed and myself with someone I don't love. I would try to get out of it as fast as possible. I understand this isn't going to be very helpful to you but maybe your wife doesn't really want to be married to you because she doesn't love you.


Yea. Marriage out of obligation...but maybe the people love others.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You cant get too mushy either. Too much of the romantic stuff which goes against your culture or upbringing will come across unnatural and may instead have a negative effect.

You should treat her with respect as you would any others. Dont overly spoil her. She needs to do her chores, her share of housework. Find a balance.

It's good to get a feel of her past so that you know what you're dealing with. Perhaps tell her that. I think she knows enough of your culture that if she gets divorced, and with a child, her chances of finding another man is very poor. (Are you sure the child is yours?)

Perhaps you can help her understand that there's no going back and that you want the marriage to work. If it doesnt, you're prepared to move on. Help her understand that for the marriage to work, both of you need to be in it, actively moving forward. One spouse cant be stuck with the past boyfriend(s).


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## lifelessheart (Dec 11, 2011)

Hi, I am a UK born Indian and I will try my best to give you some advice and hope others here will be able to contribute.

First of all can you answer the following questions:

1. What is your and your wifes religion
2. What are both your place of birth and also both your parents.
3. Both your ages.
4. Are her parents strict.
5. Did you know about her relationship with these guys before the engagement.
6. Did you date her between the time you were engaged to the time you were married. If so were you both happy?
7. Was you baby planned?
8. Have you backed up all the messages between her and the other guy’s? If not start doing it NOW. I suggest you go covert.

Secondly do the following as just a caution.

1. Separate your bank accounts and finances.
2. Any gold jewellery you gave her as part of a wedding gift , I suggest you take control of it, but do it discreetly. The reason why I am saying this is after being married for such a short time, she has not shown you any respect as a husband, hence not worthy of being your wife. When you can trust her again then that's fine, if not you can save it for your daughter when she gets older. Oh yeah!! and the prices of gold is going up and up. 

It seems to me that your wife is not a strong willed woman. She came into this wedding and knew what to expect, she had 6 months between engagement and the wedding to tell you all this and if she did not want to get married to you, she should have called this off before hurting you and bringing a child into this world. 
Do NOT blame yourself for this, she had a choice to say no and stop the marriage and also to avoid the pregnancy but she did not.

I can see that the other guy she asked to marry her was either gutless or most likley not interested in her. She seems to be kidding herself. If he was interested in her and really loved her the way she think he did, he would have walked on hot coal for her, but obviously did not.
Your wife seems to be in a fog and fantasizing about this guy and wondering “what If” . It seems to me that you was a second or third or maybe a fourth choice my friend.... sorry!!!!

I find it unbelievable for her to say it was the biggest mistake of her life with what she did and to get over it. I’m sure you asking the same question to yourself.

Look begging and being needy to her is just going to make her disrespect you more, I know you love her and she is not showing you the same, I feel you will have to maybe look out for yourself and start the 180 on her (read up on it) and spend as much time with your baby daughter as you can. 




aug said:


> You should treat her with respect as you would any others. Dont overly spoil her. She needs to do her chores, her share of housework. Find a balance.
> 
> It's good to get a feel of her past so that you know what you're dealing with. Perhaps tell her that. I think she knows enough of your culture that if she gets divorced, and with a child, her chances of finding another man is very poor. (Are you sure the child is yours?)
> 
> Perhaps you can help her understand that there's no going back and that you want the marriage to work. If it doesnt, you're prepared to move on. Help her understand that for the marriage to work, both of you need to be in it, actively moving forward. One spouse cant be stuck with the past boyfriend(s).


:iagree:

Makes alot of sense and you should take this advice first before starting the 180.

Whatever you do, DO NOT show this thread your wife as it is your salvation, where you can air your concerns with people who have experience in this and get there help in saving you marriage.

To all the guy’s here on the forum, just because he has had an arrange marriage does not mean he can’t be helped here. His situation is no different from the next guy, who finds out that he was a second choice man, and the wife still has feeling for her past BF. An affair is an affair... she was messaging this guy while she was pregnant ... WTF!!!

Also remember, Princess Diane, Queen Elizabeth, King George, queen Victoria all in essence had arrange marriages. This is not alien to the western world.


Masque9, it would help if you answered the above questions, so we can all get a bigger picture.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I can't wrap my head around a concept like that. I apologize and I don't mean to offend but I would be unhappy beyond belief having to be married to, conceive and raise a child with someone I'm not in love with.


If I am not mistaken almost all marriages in India are arranged.(do not know where poster is from).The divorce rate is only about three percent. It works great for Indians whereas our divorce rate is said to be around 50%. I guess the Indian solution is much more family friendly, especially since they keep doing it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

chapparal said:


> If I am not mistaken almost all marriages in India are arranged.(do not know where poster is from).The divorce rate is only about three percent. It works great for Indians whereas our divorce rate is said to be around 50%. I guess the Indian solution is much more family friendly, especially since they keep doing it.


Perhaps it's also more likely that those who succumb to family and societal pressures to enter into an arranged marriage are more likely to stay in unhappy marriages because those very same families pressure them to stay (unhappily) married.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

lifelessheart said:


> First of all can you answer the following questions:
> 
> 1. What is your and your wifes religion
> HINDU
> .





lifelessheart said:


> 2. What are both your place of birth and also both your parents.
> Eastern Part of India, We are in US now.
> .





lifelessheart said:


> 3. Both your ages.
> I'm 28, She's 27
> .





lifelessheart said:


> 4. Are her parents strict.
> She lost her mother in June 2010 and we got engaged in August 2010, her father is not strict at all. In a revelation she told me before engagement that she asked this guy to marry her, but he made some excuses. She returned his gifts in Dec 2010 and we got married in Feb 2011. I haven't told about this to ANYONE.
> .





lifelessheart said:


> 5. Did you know about her relationship with these guys before the engagement.
> Yes, one of them was giving her expensive gifts and they use to text/video chat and call each other. They also talked dirty. The chat that I mention with this guy, he asked my wife if she took pictures during her honeymoon !! (ofcourse we didn't take any pictures). Her mother/brother knew that she was interested in this guy, but they found out that this guy had addictions and wasn't fit for their family. They tried to steer her clear of it, she says she tried to stay away but again started talking to him. From their chats they seemed to have good mutual understanding and trust for each other.
> There was this other guy whom she was talking to in Jan-April 2010, from asking her I got to understand that they haven't , meet each other and she was just doing "TIMEPASS". I see their chats with reference of "I LOVE U" and we'll be together always. I talked to this guy and he says it wasn't more that texting.
> 
> ...





lifelessheart said:


> 6. Did you date her between the time you were engaged to the time you were married. If so were you both happy?
> Yes, we did, we were happy. Althougt I always felt that she didn't want to open up and tell her heart to me. I'm too open and share my heart easily with people who matter and I did it with her. We did have some fights during the time we were engaged, it wasn't very serious. I was in India for 2 months for my engagement and then moved to US for 5 months when we got married. She moved to US right after we got married.
> .





lifelessheart said:


> 7. Was you baby planned?
> No the baby wasn't planned and she was thinking of abortion, but I forced her not to.
> .





lifelessheart said:


> 8. Have you backed up all the messages between her and the other guy’s? If not start doing it NOW. I suggest you go covert.
> 
> I have gone covert, I have all her id's and passwords and also I have a copy of all the messages. I keep a tab on all the calls from the June 2011 to now. After the June 2011 she hasn't been in touch with any of her boyfriends. When I ask her to tell me more about it, she's like I'm done with and it and don't want to talk about it. May be it's good for us, she has told me a lot, but only on asking her a lot, not by her own choice. but I keep going back to "IS SHE STILL HIDING THINGS FROM ME??" and she doesn't respect or love me, which seems to be true, she is very good at keeping quiet and not saying anything when some situation arrises. She assures me and I think she'll stick to it - that she'll neverever contact anyone of these friends.
> 
> .



Thanks a lot for your attention. I've tried to answer all your questions. She is not well educated and I make fun of her at times, to that she keeps telling me that I made a wrong decision marrying her and I needed someone else. 
The baby was born in the first week of december and we still aren't having sex, infact I feel she's not very sexually attracted to me. That is a big problem for me, I try to watch and relax myself, we TALK sex around once a week. She seems to be wanting to make it work, but without opening up the past more and talking about it. I seem to be stuck, she wants me to trust her, but she doesn't want to talk about her past. She's has said once in a heated discussion that we'll have sex "only when I can trust her again"


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She will never love someone that makes fun of her. What were you thinking? That's just plain disrespectful and stupid. When you get older and with more experience you will find that educated,intelligent people can be dummer than a bag of rocks.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

chapparal said:


> She will never love someone that makes fun of her. What were you thinking? That's just plain disrespectful and stupid. When you get older and with more experience you will find that educated,intelligent people can be dummer than a bag of rocks.


I want to help her study and its not like I discourage her, but I tell her to focus which she hasn't or shown an interest to focus.

I need to know more about what was it with this guy and if she still loves him, I also want the marriage to work. I keep showing her down, but I want to know the truth, she says she has told all, but I want to hear it like a story and with all the details, she just wants to let go and not talk about it, HOW can I let it be like that?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

What caught my eye was the part where you said she didn't want to be pregnant but you "forced" her to go along with the pregnancy. What was that about? What did you do to "force" her?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

masque9 said:


> I want to help her study and its not like I discourage her, but I tell her to focus which she hasn't or shown an interest to focus.
> 
> I need to know more about what was it with this guy and if she still loves him, I also want the marriage to work. I keep showing her down, but I want to know the truth, she says she has told all, but I want to hear it like a story and with all the details, she just wants to let go and not talk about it, HOW can I let it be like that?


So to encourage her you use reverse psychology by making her feel inferior and stupid. Thenyou wonder why she wants emotional support from another man? Maybe she just doesn't like arrogant men.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

chapparal said:


> So to encourage her you use reverse psychology by making her feel inferior and stupid. Thenyou wonder why she wants emotional support from another man? Maybe she just doesn't like arrogant men.


I'm not arrogant, I've asked her and offered all my help to study, You are getting it wrong, in all this time, I've asked her to start studying and she has never paid attention. This is because she didn't want to be with me or love me in the first place.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> What caught my eye was the part where you said she didn't want to be pregnant but you "forced" her to go along with the pregnancy. What was that about? What did you do to "force" her?


lol, nothing, we finally decided to go with it. At one point she was like may be its right to abort, but I insisted the we keep as it was not good to take a life when we can't create one. 

She agreed and we went on with the pregnancy.


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## MoMo (Jan 16, 2012)

Well, have you ever thought about post partum depression??? I understand its an arranged marriage, but depite the culture differences of East and West, its very possible that she may be exhibiting these behaviors due to physiological reasons (which happens in ALL cultures), not because she doesnt intend to make good on her part of the arrangement--just saying! Good luck to you though, I hope it all works out.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

MoMo said:


> Well, have you ever thought about post partum depression??? I understand its an arranged marriage, but depite the culture differences of East and West, its very possible that she may be exhibiting these behaviors due to physiological reasons (which happens in ALL cultures), not because she doesnt intend to make good on her part of the arrangement--just saying! Good luck to you though, I hope it all works out.


She has been understanding and good lately, no sex tho' probably due to the reason you mention, also she's showing some attention for me, still doesn't share the things from the bottom of her heart. Yesterday I sent her a text : " If someone is remorseful(guilty) and has taken ownership of what they've done, talking about it really isn't that big of a deal"

We didn't talk about it and did our chores.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

I feel like sitting with my wife and going over all her chats and know all about her past (again, and my expectation is she tells me all like a friend with hiding stuff). While she was pregnant she told me all only when I asked her persistently. 

Now from what i can tell, she has never and will never contact her friends, she has admitted that it was her mistake and it won't happen again. 

I still feel that inorder for me to be more comfortable with her and get back to normal, i need to hear from her all about the chats and past, in a friendly way, so that we have a better bond.

SHe doesn't want to talk about it. What do i do? 
We are both trying to become normal, but I have these bad feelings, about her hiding stuff and past.


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## Lucifer (Jan 26, 2012)

Man! You're stuck in one mean limbo here. Until and unless she pours her heart out and tells you every little detail about this other guy, you won't know peace. But this is something she is emotionally reluctant to do because she still has feelings for him and doesn't really consider what she did to be "cheating". I can tell you from experience (I'm an Indian man that once was exactly where you stand today) that if you are persistent, she will slowly forget this other guy and move on with you.

But during the long process, you run the risk of running out of patience with her and feeling deprived of a healthy relationship with a loving spouse. On top of that, you're in the US now and once she gets her bearings, she may seriously consider ending a marriage to a spouse she was never in love with in the first place. Here's what I suggest:

1. Make sure you guys don't conceive again anytime soon. First time was a mistake because it was too soon while you were both still unsure about your future together.

2. Give it time! A lot of time. Be patient with her as she hopefully evolves into a relationship with you. Stop interrogating her about her past. Tell her clearly that you have moved on and so should she. The more you prod the harder it will become for her to let go. Concentrate instead, on building a life together and see how that pans out in the long run.

You said in your original post that divorce was not an option and you want to make things work. Unfortunately, the only way you can really do that is by dropping all mention of the other guy from your conversations as well as your own thoughts. It will be hard in the beginning but with time, you will begin to let go.

Good luck and keep posting!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Leave her alone. You're only hurting the relationship. If you want her to grow to love you more, you can't continually bring it up. If your going to do it, just get divorced.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

Lucifer said:


> Man! You're stuck in one mean limbo here. Until and unless she pours her heart out and tells you every little detail about this other guy, you won't know peace. But this is something she is emotionally reluctant to do because she still has feelings for him and doesn't really consider what she did to be "cheating". I can tell you from experience (I'm an Indian man that once was exactly where you stand today) that if you are persistent, she will slowly forget this other guy and move on with you.
> 
> But during the long process, you run the risk of running out of patience with her and feeling deprived of a healthy relationship with a loving spouse. On top of that, you're in the US now and once she gets her bearings, she may seriously consider ending a marriage to a spouse she was never in love with in the first place. Here's what I suggest:
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot for the reply. It is very hard now, I relate all her actions to the past and feel like I want to know all about it. My plan was to give her a printout of all the chats and ask her to be open and honest with me. Is this not a good idea?

Any pointers/tips on how to not think and be angry about this other guy, I don't mention it to her, but my actions tell her that I'm angry about this other guy. I haven't asked her of forced her to tell anything and have been avoiding mentioning any of their names. She is silent and watches me be mad in anger and sometimes laughs about it. I keep visiting the other guys facebook etc. and still can't get over all this.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

Initfortheduration said:


> Leave her alone. You're only hurting the relationship. If you want her to grow to love you more, you can't continually bring it up. If your going to do it, just get divorced.


She said that during pregnancy it was her hormones that made her chat and do what she did and asks me to forget everything. On the same note, I want to ask her everything again, because I also shouldn't believe whatever she told me during pregnancy. I feel like getting to know all about her past and have planned to go after her to tell it all. I want to her to not keep secrets and be open and honest with me. Divorce is not an option.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

masque9 said:


> Divorce is not an option.


Then brace yourself for her cheating on you since with this mindset you are saying that you are willing to accept anything she does no matter what.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

morituri said:


> Then brace yourself for her cheating on you since with this mindset you are saying that you are willing to accept anything she does no matter what.


I have told her this. The divorce is not an option, and you are right that she tries to use to great perfection. But, this is me, I am so open and I share my true feelings with close one, all the feelings. 

In this case it happens to be my wife and so I shared and told her that 'Divorce is not an option"


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

masque9 said:


> I have told her this. The divorce is not an option, and you are right that she tries to use to great perfection. But, this is me, I am so open and I share my true feelings with close one, all the feelings.
> 
> In this case it happens to be my wife and so I shared and told her that 'Divorce is not an option"


I truly hope that she never has a full blown affair otherwise you'll have to learn to accept and embrace living in a one side open marriage since for you, 'divorce is not an option'. Good luck.


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## masque9 (Jan 4, 2012)

morituri said:


> I truly hope that she never has a full blown affair otherwise you'll have to learn to accept and embrace living in a one side open marriage since for you, 'divorce is not an option'. Good luck.


I trust her to not go that route again, which she has agreed to, I keep checks and tabs, hoping that doesn't happen. Thanks for your replies.


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## Lucifer (Jan 26, 2012)

masque9 said:


> Thanks a lot for the reply. It is very hard now, I relate all her actions to the past and feel like I want to know all about it. My plan was to give her a printout of all the chats and ask her to be open and honest with me. Is this not a good idea?
> 
> Any pointers/tips on how to not think and be angry about this other guy, I don't mention it to her, but my actions tell her that I'm angry about this other guy. I haven't asked her of forced her to tell anything and have been avoiding mentioning any of their names. She is silent and watches me be mad in anger and sometimes laughs about it. I keep visiting the other guys facebook etc. and still can't get over all this.



Your anger is a natural reaction to her past actions. I remember doing the same things; being obsessed with the OM’s Facebook profile, Googling him to see what he was up to etc. Gradually and over time, as the OM lost emotional footing in my wife’s heart and I replaced him and as I began to be more involved with my child, the anger subsided over time. I firmly believe that you can overcome this – because I did. And I was a very conservative type of guy before I married my wife – way more than you seem to be!

And yes, I think you need to have a sit her down and tell her: “What’s past is past. I want to move ahead with building a relationship with you and sincerely make things work. I will try to overcome my anger and you will have to come half way too.” She WILL open up about the DETAILS that you are so nagged by, but it will happen over time, once she has gone through her withdrawal and doesn’t seem an emotional pull by the OM. Please understand that probing for details at this point only makes it harder for her to let go, even though you felt totally by the need to know!

Have her send the no contact letter to the OM and tell her she will have to be completely transparent with phone calls, texts and emails until you develop the confidence to fully trust her again. Tell her that if she breaks the no contact rule, you will reveal everything to her family and friends and send her back to India. Also, contact the OM yourself after she has sent the no contact letter, and tell him that if he contacts her again, you will make it your life’s dedicated mission to destroy his life. Absolutely ZERO contact from either party!

I know what you mean by “divorce is not an option.” It’s your way of saying that you will not give up on your marriage that easy. It’s a cultural thing and that’s why, to be honest, our divorce rates in the sub-continent are so low viz. a viz. the west.  We are just too damn stubborn to accept divorce because we consider it to be defeat. For your child’s sake you need to remember that even though every day will be a struggle, you will get past the betrayal that you feel today and one day, you and your wife will sit together and laugh about this other guy who once “was”. (We certainly did!).

Please feel free to PM me if you want to discuss in-depth.

Good luck!


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