# help, wife is acting like a high schooler or am i overreacting.



## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

I have been with my wife for almost 5 years. We got married 5 months ago in June. We had the most amazing relationship up till now. We never fought, we always got along, she was a best friend. Someone i could just do nothing with and be happier than ever. Our problems started when she graduated from college and had a hard time finding a job. No this isn't a money problem. She got hired at a restaurant as a hostess. With a $90,000.00 education and a Bachelors in Health Science she is making 9 bucks an hour part time. Again this is not the problem, it sucks, but its not the problem. The problem is she for the first time is making friends with all the other hostesses. These people are just drama ridden. I had no problem with this until she started to get interested in going out with these people. These people go out all the time. I could tell my wife is now interested in hanging out with friends all the time, even though it hasn't gotten there yet. I know it is what she wants. So i overreacted and freaked telling her that isn't what i want, I don't want to compete for her attention. Big mistake. we fought, and i later decided to just let her do whatever she wanted because if i didn't i would just be pushing her away, and i love her too much to let anything risk our marriage. She did the complete opposite of what i wanted out of spite. I found out later she was texting her friend and telling her things like, "my controlling husband, only wants to go so he can watch me and judge my friends" To me, that is betrayal. It is not even the thing she said that hurt, it is why she said it, and how willing she was to think of me like i am a problem in her life now. I would never even think this way about her, but she did with me. I just don't know how to feel. I feel like my loyalty to her is on a different level than hers. Mind you again these are people i have never met, never seen, and just met my wife a few months ago. She deleted the texts to hide this from me, but i just knew something was wrong. She lied to me to get away from telling me, but in the end it came out. I am very good at reading people, i know when people lie to me. And she is very bad at lying. it was almost written on her forehead. Now i have lost my trust in her. She sold me out, and betrayed me for some person she just barely met. It cut so so deep and i am trying so hard to get over it. I didn't get mad, or angry, i have just withdrawn into myself, the only emotion you can tell i have is sadness. I basically told her she can do whatever she wants. If i tried to tell her no at this point, i would just lose her. She already showed me she is willing to self destruct our marriage if i don't. I am 25 and she is 22. She has always shown me to be more mature than her age, but after getting this job i watched her digress into the mindset of a teenager. Where life is all about hanging out with friends. I don't get to see my wife very much either. She works nights, and i am in school during the day. This makes it even worse. She has told me how sorry she is and how bad she feels for everything, but she has not shown me at all that our marriage is her priority and she would do anything to fix it. I still feel like i let her do whatever she wants or she is gone. 

Another huge problem for me is she sits on the couch when we are watching movies and tv and she texts people all night long. Is this something a wife should be doing? I barely see her, we are having the hardest and worst time of our whole relationship, and when we do get some time together she is off in a world that i am not a part of. I feel like i have become second place to her. 

My question is am i being over sensative, controlling, jealous, unreasonable, or am i reacting in a normal way? My parents were my only models, and i never saw my mom taking off at least once a week to hang out with people my dad didn't know. She never went to parties without my dad. She didn't hang out with people at their houses until 2am watching movies. She never sat on the couch texting people all night long. I had a very different idea of what growing up entails. her parents however are the opposite. They did all this stuff, and ironically, they have a horrible, failed marriage. No respect, cheating, money problems, abuse, separation many times. her parents are her models. 

HELP ME!! what do i do next?!

I am trying to take the steps from childhood into adulthood. I want to get past the "hanging out" with friends bit. I have been away from my friends for 3 years because i am also in college completing a Nursing degree. But i never spent time with my friends without inviting her first, and she always came because my friends were her friends also. her friends are complete strangers to me, and they are immature drama queens, i could never be interested in this... I want to get away from that, and she wants to dive right in. I am hoping to God she gets a job offer in a professional career where the co-workers are older, also married, and show her married people don't concentrate their free time on partying, hanging out at restaurant bars, ect. And the friends she does make are people that are level headed and good for her. So i can feel comfortable with her going out without me because i trust these people. Hell maybe even i could be a apart of her friends and stuff.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Divorce her. Or threaten to (and follow through if she doesn't change). She doesn't value you, because she feels she cannot lose you.

There's a lot of talk about "emotional affairs" on this forum, but one of the points about it is that an "emotional affair" takes time and emotional investment away that rightly belongs in the marriage. There is no affair partner, but her activities with her friends are sucking away the time and emotional investment that should go into your relationship.

For this to occur 5 months into the marriage is trouble. If it doesn't change, I think the relationship is doomed.

If she it not willing to put the effort into the marriage that it takes, it's only going to fail sooner or later. Make the break now.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow, that sucks! 

I'd feel the same way in your shoes, and I don't think you are overreacting, although if you "badgered" her to tell you the truth you might be acting in a controlling way that won't help the situation.

As far as what to do next... I am very much a "nip it in the bud" kind of person. What I would do - which might not be right for you - is to tell her that you respect her right to choose and that you're willing to say goodbye to a marriage partner that doesn't make you her #1 priority - and give her 30 days to resolve the issue.


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

See, I have thought along the exact same lines. If I gave her an ultimatum, choose me or your friends, she would choose me, or say she chooses me. but then look at me as if i am controlling her. And she will resent me. allowing herself to lose respect for me and then eventually destroy to marriage. It just happened because i told her i didn't want her going out at least once a week with people i don't know. Enough so that she would talk bad about me to one of her "friends." She doesn't see marriage the same way as me. She is looking at me like her mother looks at her loser father. Exactly the same way...

If she gave me an ultimatum, her or my best friend of 11 years who has never done wrong by me. I would leave him. I'd be incredibly upset and devastated, but i know she is more important than him. And i would have to accept what she asked me, like a team mate taking orders from the captain, In order to make it work. There would be no point in me agreeing if i was just going to turn around and resent her. Less damage would be done if i just told her "NO" than if i said "FINE" and resented her afterwards.

our whole relationship went to **** in the last 2 weeks. 5 great, awesome, happy years with her destroyed in 2 weeks. I can't believe it, im still in shock from it. I understand the divorce her now before she hurts you again, it is what my mind is telling me that is logical, but i have put so much emotional investment into her. I can't call it quits yet. I am hoping this is a one time mistake, but she hasn't given me any reason to believe i am the priority and whatever i say whether it is reasonable or not, is more important than a bunch of temporary friends from a restaurant.

If she demanded me to do something incredibly ridiculous stupid and unfair like never talk to my mother again. As bad as it would kill me, I would do it. when i married her and took those vows. I meant them. I said them 100% wholeheartedly and genuinely. i swore my life to her, and i would take the bullet without a seconds notice. But then she betrays me for a bunch of people she barely knows.. I just don't know what to think. I know i am making her sound horrible, and you just going to have to trust that since your only getting a negative review of her as your fist impression its going to make it that way. But she showed the same devotion to me until this happened. It like a complete flip flop. I don't understand it.


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

sorry so just so i can go through this systematically. i need these two things answered above all else.

Am i being controlling and unreasonable by having a problem and feeling upset and hurt when she:

1) Hanging out with friends i don't know or don't approve of, doing things like parties where there is drinking, TGI Fridays at the bar, Friends houses late into the night. 

2) sitting on the couch with me while spending time watching movies and TV texting a bunch of people through out the night. And during the day when we aren't really spending time. 

She says she can't be happy unless she has friends. I take that as if she is saying, I am not ready to grow up and make my priorities about my husband and our future. I get it, there are times at home when she is bored and has nothing to do. But when my mother was bored she didn't take off and "hang out" like some kid. I don't object to her spending time with friends, But i do object when it becomes routine, and often, and with people i don't know and can't trust. Especially when we don't get a lot of quality time together. If she just has some decent trustworthy friends i wouldn't even care if she made a habit of it even though i don't think a good husband or wife should. I hardly spend time away from home. I can count on one hand how many times i spent without her this whole year. And much of it was to work on a corvette that my friend was building and he needed a hand.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

The problem:



randomdude12 said:


> I have been with my wife for almost 5 years...she is 22.


I will type this yet again. High school sweethearts should NOT be allowed to marry. She was too young. She is now experiencing BIG TIME what it's like to be a young and single adult for the first time in her life. And she LIKES IT! 

And look at you for the past couple of months. Look at how you've been acting. Did you become more or less of a strong man while all of this has been going on? And all of the hot single men she's been meeting and partying with while she's been out (yes, there have been a lot. She didn't mention that, did she?) Do you think she seeks them out because they are LESS of a man than you?

Your solution:



randomdude12 said:


> We got married 5 months ago in June.


You: Very calmly and very seriously. "I did not marry you to share you with other people. This is not what I wanted in a marriage. So it's either us or them."

Then start your 180. WHEN she goes out that next weekend, you leave/serve the papers you have ready. You have to be ready to follow through. You will not share her with other men. And she will not change unless she knows you are serious. My gut tells me she won't change even then. That's why you need to be ready to follow through.

Think it's bad now? Wait until you are 50 and there are kids involved. You are lucky my friend. You caught this early. You get a do-over. You are a GOD to me. Is it going to be easy? No. It'll be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Times 10. But wait until you find that adult woman who loves you. 

A do-over. You may not know it now, but you are one of the luckiest men alive right now. A relatively inexpensive life lesson.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

randomdude12 said:


> sorry so just so i can go through this systematically. i need these two things answered above all else.
> 
> Am i being controlling and unreasonable by having a problem and feeling upset and hurt when she:
> 
> ...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Wow, for such a newly married couple you have a butt load of issues to deal with. I have some random thoughts and advice for you:

Both you and your wife are way to young to be married. She in particular is showing an immaturity that tells me she absolutely shouldn't be married. As you evaluate your relationship with her during this crisis, you should consider divorcing as an option because she just doesn't seem ready. It could be that in a few years, after she saws her wild oats and grows up a little, you will find each other again and re-marry, but I get the feeling that she really wants to be single and is now trying to be single while being married. This is a recipe for disaster.



randomdude12 said:


> She did the complete opposite of what i wanted out of spite. I found out later she was texting her friend and telling her things like, "my controlling husband, only wants to go so he can watch me and judge my friends"


You never completed your thought here but I see two things. First I see more immaturity on your wife's part, doing things out of spite. Second, it seems like you wanted to join her and her new friends and she doesn't like it. I strongly believe that you should insert yourself into this new life of hers and go everywhere with her. *I would insist on going everywhere with her at all times when she is with these toxic friends. If she objects, you say "either I go with you or you stay home, it's your choice" and stick to it!* You need to know what is going on with these new friends and you do need to monitor her activities, You are her husband, you have to start acting like one, if you want to keep this marriage. She has no respect for you and the marriage right now and you have to have her gain that respect or you will lose her, if you haven't already. She has to start acting like a married woman.

She has called you controlling and you reacted to it ... big mistake. *YOU CAN NOT BE AFRAID OF BEING CALLED CONTROLLING, WEAR IT AS A BADGE OF HONOR.* She knew you would react to it because all you younger guys do. You have been conditioned to think this is bad, when in fact it is not. You have to control this situation in order to protect your marriage. If you are passive about this you will loose your marriage for sure.

Someone mentioned "Emotional Involvement" and this is a very good point. She in spending emotional energy on her new friends and not putting into the new marriage where it belongs. There is another thing to consider: *There is a strong possibility that a male in this new group of friends has attracted her attention and that is why she is so insistent on going out all the time. This is a big reason why I said that you need to go with her as much as possible.* Given her behavior, I do believe that if another guy isn't involved already, one will be soon. I really feel she is headed for an affair. 

Finally you need to look up the 180 on this site and follow it. You are too passive, too afraid of loosing her and being too a nice guy to correct this situation. You need to stand up for your self and be prepared to walk away if necessary. You need to show her you mean business.

There are a lot of experienced people here on this site with a variety of opinions that can help you. Read there responses and ask more questions, but what ever you do stop being passive and take action.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You are not her husband, you are her father. She just found out she is an adult now and is rebelling like a late teen. You probably won't be able to do much other than hold on to your dignity. 

She didn't change due to these toxic friends. She was always this way. You just didn't know it or chose to ignore it.



> She never sat on the couch texting people all night long. I had a very different idea of what growing up entails. her parents however are the opposite. They did all this stuff, and ironically, they have a horrible, failed marriage. No respect, cheating, money problems, abuse, separation many times. her parents are her models.


I usually tell younger people that if you want to know what your partner thinks a relationship looks like, meet the parents. They are the ones they will try to emulate. Up to you if you think you can handle that or not.

This is one such case. She has hit the 5 year barrier where many women will re-evaluate if her partner is still suitable or not. From the honest texting to her friends you know the answer already.

These girls night out thing is her way to go hunting for a new male. If you are OK with this you can expect to be compared to other blokes and lose your wife if, in her mind, you lose out, or, at the very least, you need to be ok with her banging other dudes to test out the waters.

Now, you don't want to be "controlling" (cuz you modern age yanks are allergic to that word) and you can't really be. This isn't the 50s. But what you can do is to act like a strong man and outright tell her that she is free to do as she pleases (cuz she actually is) but she should not expect you to be married to a man she has no respect for. Tell her that you will be looking for a divorce and move on with your life and will possibly be in the market for a partner that acts in a respecting way and is a grown up.

And, most importantly, actually MEAN IT, for your sake.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

costa200 said:


> And, most importantly, actually MEAN IT, for your sake.


You have to be ready to walk. You OK living this way the rest of your marriage? If she chooses them, she's gone. It really is THAT simple. How AWESOME to learn it at 25, no kids. 5 months in? You're still dating.

I'll say it again. You're a lucky man. You just don't know it yet.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

First, all of the constant communication that she is having with friends is still an emotional affair, because she is putting all of her emotional energy into other people instead of you. It's not controlling to insist on being the most important person in her life - you're her husband after all...

Has she been looking for jobs in her field of study? $90K worth of debt should light a fire under her ass to get some work. You're 25 years old, so what are you going to school for? I hope for your sake that your schooling is part time and that you are not doing this full time and adding even more debt to your situation. 

If I were you, I'd give her the ultimatum - them or you. Also, I'd insist on 100% transparency in all communications moving forward - meaning she can also check up on you too. If she cannot live with that - get the divorce and consider yourself lucky that you didn't get too deep with this marriage. You can probably get this thing annulled and be financially free of her. Then we'll see how long she keeps her part time hostess job. She'll grow up real quick. It's probably what she needs.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I don't know what is up with these girls who have a man who loves them and waits for them at home, yet they think about spending the night out with meaningless friends. 

At 22 it's hard to think like a grown up. 
I'm 25 myself and I've changed A LOT compared to when I was your wife's age. 
Getting married when already a kid is a big mistake. 

The problem is that you two have been growing up in two different environments. Even if you were the same age you'd still have problems because of the different *lifestyles* and *mentalities*. You sound more mature and come from a stable family.
You value your family and want to have yours just the same. 
She has another point of view and sounds like even if she were older, she'd still think it's okay to stay out until 2am and make her friends a priority. 

She's got a LOT of work to do to go back to marriage life. I'm afraid she's enjoying the "single" life a bit too much.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I don't know what is up with these girls who have a man who loves them and waits for them at home, yet they think about spending the night out with meaningless friends.
> 
> *At 22 it's hard to think like a grown up. *
> I'm 25 myself and I've changed A LOT compared to when I was your wife's age.
> ...


I see this a lot where 22 year olds are treated like they are still teens. I disagree with this concept completely. At 22, you should be able to assess situations clearly enough to know when you are supposed to become responsible and how you are to go about doing that. I never understood why people think a 22 year old needs to be shielded from the big bad world.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Ive seen something of this type of thing in my own scenario and why I ended up here on TAM

I was given great advice and despite hurting like hell I went with it and yes it worked to a piont and allowed me to make decisons. I too thought I was being cantrolling. But hang on - YOUR MARRIED. There are boundries that each partner should ahere to and when either steps over these should accept and expect the other partner to make clear they ahve done so.

1. Going out acting like shes single. Tell her that this is what its starting to look like. She is creating a life outside the one you both shared and like it or not appears to go one in a manner that looks like a secret second like - They dont have these in a marridge. If youve stopped acting like a bacholar when you married and did this out of respect for the vows of marridge then she either should to or ask her outright, would she now be happy if you started to act in the same manner, then list the late nights, staying out till 2am when she might be at howm worryng where you are, telling people that are stangers to her the most provate details of your marridge - let her see the issue if the roles were reversed.
Texting "friends" all night when you are suppost to be wrapped upo together cuddling and showing a love and affection. Tell her there is a time line and after that phone down and its you two. You cannot be expected to be a disrespected like that. Try as well tecting when she talking to you and start ignoring her until youve read or sent the text, e ven if you arnt actually texting let her see herself in what you do, reflect her actions.
I even sat there one night and though "screw this, Im going to just poke her with a sharpe stick and see the response". I waited till we were supposed to be cuddling and thencounted the texts over an hour and the n I text her saying, Just thought Id tell you Im sittuing here with this woman whi is acting like shes single and in the house on her own. Im off to bed"

I did this and all hell erupted. She basically word for word hit me with what I was complaining about. I sat there, said nothing and let her gush it all out at me. Then quietly and controlled said Im doing exactly what you have been doing, nothing more, nothing less and your upset. So, how am I supposed to feel if you dont like it?
You do need to get the point of being married across and the boundries YOU have self emposed so that she doesnt see your actions as a threat to your marridge and what she has done to you that makes you feel NOt controlling but concerned that she is leaving you in small amounts. You'll then have to ask the obvious quesstions - Does she want a single life as she is clearly showing that this is the road shes taking and you WILL NOT BE HURT by her. It may be she needs a wake up call that hits home. But many relationships that start in school often start to rock when either of the parties starts to live in the real world where temptations area ll around and they just feel like thay want to have a small try, which is the slippery slope. Dont be ashamed of wanting to fight for you marridge and your wife and make sure you tell her exactly that, Its not controlling to want to protect what is dear to you.....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her isn't not that you have friends. We all need friends.

The problem is that these friends and you are living in a separate world that doesn't include your husband. And it's pretty clear since you sit and text even when with me, that your friends and this new world are a higher priority to you than we are.

What would happen if she spent all her time when out with the friends doing nothing but texting you her husband? - Answer - they'd call her out on it and ditch her.

Yet she expect you to accept her doing that to you. Why? You're less important to her than the stupid crap they are texting.

As for drama, your right there is a lot of drama with the kind of people she is working with and not only is it about drinking, but possibly drugs, and definitely relationships/dating.

Time and time again men come on here with a story much like yours. They start off because their wife isn't home much, she's going out with her new restraurant/bar work buddies. Only later does the OP discover that the wife is also in a physical affair with either one of the guys she's working with or with the brother/friend of a bf, of one of the girls in the group.

So you very much need to not only be worried about all the time she's spending with them where you are not welcomed or invited, you also have to worry about her hooking up. I know you believe she'd never to that, and so does she. BUT, if she's partying with a bunch of singles and she likes the life they are living, she's going to want to fully be part of that life and that life includes hookups and dating. 

Healthcare is the biggest booming industry right now. Why isn't she able to get a job? Even if its part time in doctors offices or the local hospital., its work related to her field. Working at a restaurant is not.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh here's a cheat sheet.

You're controlling == you won't let me hang, flirt, and even date if I want to.

"You're controlling" - your response should be: "No I'm not. I do have expectations of your commitment to me and boundaries that should never be crossed. Going out drinking and partying with a bunch of singles and not including your husband, shows both a serious lack of commitment to me, but also crosses boundaries that should not be crossed. If you want to be single, and be going out alone as a single, then let me know."

also ...

"It's not controlling to expect to be including in your wife's social life. Right not you are going out and partying with people that not only don't I know, but I'm not even included or invited."


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Wow, that sucks!
> 
> I'd feel the same way in your shoes, and I don't think you are overreacting, although if you "badgered" her to tell you the truth you might be acting in a controlling way that won't help the situation.
> 
> As far as what to do next... I am very much a "nip it in the bud" kind of person. What I would do - which might not be right for you - is to tell her that you respect her right to choose and that you're willing to say goodbye to a marriage partner that doesn't make you her #1 priority - and give her 30 days to resolve the issue.


I agree, except I don't see why she needs 30 days to figure it out. Three to four is the most I would allow.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

One thing I don't see is why you are not hanging out with your wife at some of these get togethers. Are you not invited, are you not going or what. 



randomdude12 said:


> If she gave me an ultimatum, her or my best friend of 11 years who has never done wrong by me. I would leave him. I'd be incredibly upset and devastated, but i know she is more important than him. And i would have to accept what she asked me, like a team mate taking orders from the captain, In order to make it work. There would be no point in me agreeing if i was just going to turn around and resent her. Less damage would be done if i just told her "NO" than if i said "FINE" and resented her afterwards.


It is not an ultimatum. It is about priorities. You are setting her free to do what she really wants. Her actions are telling you that she would rather party than be with you. Love her (and yourself) enough to give her what she wants.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

randomdude12 said:


> If I gave her an ultimatum, choose me or your friends, she would choose me, or say she chooses me. but then look at me as if i am controlling her. And she will resent me. allowing herself to lose respect for me and then eventually destroy to marriage.


 You have it wrong. This is thinking is exactly what leads many into the infidelity forum. You both took a vow to put each other before all others. She is breaking that vow. Also, both of you got married after 5 years of establishing and understanding of the unspoken rules of a relationship. She is changing those rules without taking your needs into consideration. As for your fear of being controlling, requesting that she act like she is still married to you is not controlling. Having expectations that your reasonable needs as a spouse are met by your spouse is not controlling. Having her not go out with people that you do not know until 2 am is not controlling. If you think that being called controlling for asking her to act like your wife will lose your respect, you are wrong. Your happiness in a marriage matters too and not standing up for your marriage and your happiness is the surest way to lose your wife's respect.

Healthy marriages have boundaries. One common boundary is that you cannot have a friend that is not a friend of the marriage (such friends are called toxic friends). Another is that you spouse must feel welcome to meet all of your friends and to join you on most outings especially if it is to things like going out to bars. You need to sit down and logically discuss boundaries and agree on boundaries. If she does not want to do this, then your marriage is heading for divorce long term. Man up now or you will lose her later.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

randomdude12 said:


> sorry so just so i can go through this systematically. i need these two things answered above all else.
> 
> Am i being controlling and unreasonable by having a problem and feeling upset and hurt when she:
> 
> ...


This here.

The friends you don't know. Late into the night.

Who are the men there? You don't know.

What are they doing with your wife? You don't know.

Toxic friends, unknown men, and staying late at someone's house . This doesn't add up to anything good.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Not marriage material.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

randomdude12 said:


> sorry so just so i can go through this systematically. i need these two things answered above all else.
> 
> Am i being controlling and unreasonable by having a problem and feeling upset and hurt when she:
> 
> ...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I agree, except I don't see why she needs 30 days to figure it out. Three to four is the most I would allow.


I said 30 days because it will give her a chance to save face by edging out of her new friends' lives gracefully instead of in a way that could leave her feeling humiliated.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Same sh1t different guy. Poor guy is getting trained and doesn't even know it. Having been train my self I can see it a mile away.

Stop controlling her. you are offering to protect the marriage and she is refusing the protection. She won't get it until she no longer has you and you have moved on. In my case I wasted years, but now that we have sights like this you can save your self. So listen to these fine folks and distance your self and with a smile on your face tell your wife you are looking for more in a marriage and ask her to leave.


Ask her one simple questions "do you want to be married to me" ...if the answers is yes then tell her your boundries and the consequences for when they are crossed and then have the balls to follow thru with making her face the consequences. She will aways have the choice in this matter, just like you have a choice to to let her go.

Don't be like me and waste your life away chasing after a women when there are so many that will chase you.

Don't walk behind me, don't walk in front of me, but walk next to me.


You can't nice your way out of this but with action...tough love action that commands respect you just might beable to save your self respect.

With out consequences for bad behavior the bad behavior will continue.

You don't have to be an @ss hole but calmly and firmly you can smile and let her know with the up most confidence that this is not the marriage you diserve and will not control her put you are and will make a choice to move on with out her for your own emotional health. It will be up to her to come along with you *or* find her own path.

She's young brother, she won't get it, I'm 45 and I'm just figuring this crap out. My wife is 4 years younger, and we both have been there.
Your wife will screw around while you resent her and she will go out and you will work on your career,years will go by as you do your thing and she does her thing. You both will not like what you both have become in 10-15 years.......ITS NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!! 

make a change for your self and the offer will always be there to come along with you or choose another path.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

God there is so much to say in cases like this, when young married couples lose there way.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> I said 30 days because it will give her a chance to save face by edging out of her new friends' lives gracefully instead of in a way that could leave her feeling humiliated.


She is to young, she has a choice to tell her friends her marriage is fragile and let them know she wants marriage before her man bails or screw the marriage I'll be over in a minute.
Phuck the time line!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why nigotiate your boundries with a time line? OP wife already has an EA going its just a matter of time before the WW bails, he may as wel get the ball rolling and if she wants the M then the time is now. If this pushes her even further away then it will save him time in the long run...won't it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> Why nigotiate your boundries with a time line? OP wife already has an EA going its just a matter of time before the WW bails, he may as wel get the ball rolling and if she wants the M then the time is now. If this pushes her even further away then it will save him time in the long run...won't it.


30 days at the age of 22 is a lifetime. Time is not on his side. He may already be a winner.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Remember guys even OP gets through this spell he has MLC do deal with in 15-20 years. Start dishing out the tough love ASAP...set the presidence now that he won't take any crap like being labeled controling, when alls he is trying to do is protect the marriage and command the respect her diserves.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> 30 days at the age of 22 is a lifetime. Time is not on his side. He may already be a winner.


Scary but true.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Yeah I was shocked at the 30 days timeline. Does she really need 30 days to figure out if she wants to be with her husband or her friends? 
Is it really THAT difficult for her to make a choice when actually she should be saying "I don't need a timeline. I choose you right here, right now!"


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

As others have pointed out YOU'RE BOTH really young!

Your wife has been in a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP since she was 17 years old! NO WONDER she wants to rebel and act like a teen. She was in such a rush to be a GROWN-UP that she screwed herself out of being a kid; she wants to do it NOW with the other kids she's hanging around and working with.



> sorry so just so i can go through this systematically. i need these two things answered above all else.
> 
> Am i being controlling and unreasonable by having a problem and feeling upset and hurt when she:
> 
> ...


1.) You're not being 'unreasonable' to disapprove of the partying, just 'unrealistic'. Your wife has had her FIRST TASTE of freedom: no parents like when she was 17, no ADULT who can compel/forbid certain behavior, money to burn, time to burn it.

2.) This one would hurt ANYONE'S feelings (hate when my kid does it while we're Skyping). This is a way of saying (without words) 'you're just not THAT interesting/important to me compared to what my FRIENDS are doing/saying)'



> But when my mother was bored she didn't take off and "hang out" like some kid.


THIS, right here, is an UNFAIR comparison. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how your mother acted as a young wife WITH NO CHILDREN!!!! To compare your wife's behavior (who has NO CHILDREN) to YOUR RECOLLECTION of your mother's behavior (who had children) is ridiculous. It makes you sound rigid and as though NO-ONE will ever compare to your sainted mother! (Maybe no-one WILL ever compare to your mother in your mind, but you would NEVER want to let your wife/S.O. KNOW that!!!!!) Quit bringing your mother into the argument as a pillar of achievement or a standard against which your wife should be measured -- your wife won't appreciate it, no woman would!

You can ask your wife to accompany you to MC and see if you can resolve your issues. It sounds like THAT is where you two need to start.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah I was shocked at the 30 days timeline. Does she really need 30 days to figure out if she wants to be with her husband or her friends?
> Is it really THAT difficult for her to make a choice when actually she should be saying "I don't need a timeline. I choose you right here, right now!"


I can agree that 30 days might be a "lifetime" at her age, and can go so far as to say maybe 30 days is too much time to give, but I do think it's important to give her an out that lets her save face with her friends. 

The timeline's not for her to make a decision. That shouldn't take more than a couple days. The timeline is a suggestion for a way to let her exit those friendships without making him a villain or looking weak.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I was referring to the timeline when she should give him the answe and make the decision. Taking actions won't happen within the minute, obviously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Don't be her Daddy. Take away her support system. How is she able to go out and party on hostess pay with all that debt? YOU. Seperate the finances immeidately. Stop buying into her controlling BS. Tell her what you expect and that its not negotiable. I hope your not on that $90K loan because your married to a child.

Peace


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

The word is not "controlling". It is "masterful". And back in the day, women loved a man who was "masterful."


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I can agree that 30 days might be a "lifetime" at her age, and can go so far as to say maybe 30 days is too much time to give, but I do think it's important to give her an out that lets her *save face with her friends.
> *
> The timeline's not for her to make a decision. That shouldn't take more than a couple days. The timeline is a suggestion for a way to let her exit those friendships without making him a villain or looking weak.


Saving face with her friends? Sigh. She can simply say that she is prioritizing her marriage and can start acting responsible ... like right now. She should not worry about placating these "friends". She should be doing everything to save her marriage. She does not need to impress these "friends" by looking weak with her husband. That IS weak. That is very childish.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Saving face with her friends? Sigh. She can simply say that she is prioritizing her marriage and can start acting responsible ... like right now.* She should not worry about placating these "friends". She should be doing everything to save her marriage.* She does not need to impress these "friends" by looking weak with her husband. That IS weak. That is very childish.


This

If she was marriage material this should be her only motivation and not how she looks to others.

Obviously she cares about the toxic friends more than the H or marriage.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> And back in the day, women loved a man who was "masterful


Yeah, back in the day there were NO JOBS for women; she had to 'love' him...or starve to death!


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

I read the OP, and the first thing I thought was "$90K for a bachelors in health sciences?" That's absurd to begin with....

Anyways, you should be trying to go out with your wife... obviously, you've said some bad/harsh/judgemental things about her friends, probably based on their jobs or education. Yeah, they may be Lowest Common Denominator material, but they're people your wife likes, or perhaps even needs to get along with.

You're only 25... go out, and put on your best show, a few times in a row... try to "connect" and get on good terms with her friends, if you can - try and be "part of the gang," even if it's just a recon/intelligence mission. Go and see what's going on.

DON'T say, (on friday night, or early) that you would like to go along, just go and meet her and her friends there. Surprise. Even better, go with a friend of yours, sit away from your wife, talk, and watch. Heck, maybe you might even know a regular at the bar... talk, see what they might tell you, if anything.

You have to go out with her, and share these things with her yourself, instead of letting her be alone with these unknowns. Make it clear that you're a COUPLE, and not two people married who live together.

And really, have her look for a better job, or get her back to school to use her bachelors for something worthwhile.

Or start a family business where you'll both be occupied with it full-time.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Yeah, back in the day there were NO JOBS for women; she had to 'love' him...or starve to death!


Yeah, and now it's just fine for her to party and sleep with anyone she wants while married?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I don't think the OP is coming back


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

well I would first like to say thank you all for your comments and support. My wife and I talked very extensively about this. We talked for more than 4-5 hours straight about everything. It started after she woke up I pulled up this page and sat it in front of her. I jumped in the shower and she read it the entire time I was in there getting ready for the day. She saw the consistency of all of your responses to the point where she realized the things is needed from her were actually things needed for a healthy marriage. She admitted first hand she was wrong. Something she didn’t think before. Before she told me she doesn’t understand and thinks I was being unreasonable. We talked about everything under the sun. The psychology of why we act the way we do, relation to actions and results of other peoples relationships, the practical, the logical, everything. We basically talked until our voices hurt. Just as much as she was wrong so was I. I didn’t handle the situation in the correct manner and It made things worse. I found out the reason she didn’t try very hard to convince me how sorry she was and how commited she is to our relationship is she felt like once I lose my trust in her, it would be over. I am to blame for that. I have told her many times that when I lose trust in someone I ditch them. I meant that for friends, family, my past relationships, ect.. And subliminally I probably said that as a threat to her, in hopes to prevent her from ever doing anything to cause me to lose trust. I can see how bad that is, because everybody makes mistakes. Trust can be earned back. It would be foolish to disreguard someone because they lose their trust in them. If it wasn’t I should have been homeless at the age of 5, and 6, and 7,8,9,10,11,12,13,ect..25. after we talked I asked her two things. A: to never lie to me again. That I can take the bad news, and the hurtful information, because the lying opens up a door that can end relationships. B: that she is committed to this relationship over anything else in her life, friends, family, selfish wants. I believe her answer, it wasn’t a simple yes, or ok. We talked about each one before we moved on and she was on the same level as me. In fact while I was grabbing some water she texted her friend saying she can’t text her anymore, and was going to sever it right then and right there. This was the friend that constantly asked her to hang out all the time even tried to recruit her for a sleepover. A “toxic friend.” I stopped her because I do agree in saving face because these people are her co-workers and it is our livelihood as of yet. Those things shouldn’t be severed without tact as it could turn negative for her. Still this showed she committed to what we were talking about, that I was her priority and she wants our marriage over toxic friends. But the first text was sent so now we have to come up with a good reason to why she said that. Haha. Also to clarify a few things, her education, was a 90k education, as our schools tuition is about 31k a year, however she received scholarships and grants so her total debt is 60. Also, the friends she made are all girls and she never went out to the parties, or very many get togethers, she hung out a few times, but i could see it was something she wanted to do and was interested in increasing the frequency past what I felt was acceptable. She hadn't dove in head first like she wanted to because she was afraid I would get mad if she did. This is what caused her resentment. I am also a nip it in the butt kind of guy and I saw the end result coming in a sure way of this wasn’t stopped and we didn’t see eye to eye. I didn’t really reinforce this in my first post, even though I did say “it hasn’t happened yet.” Nevertheless, this post, your responses, (most of your responses) were incredibly helpful for us both. Sometimes it just takes communication and the chance to level with each other to come to an understanding. Reversely I understand the need of social interaction, and I have agreed to do my part in agreeing to do double dates, and to go with her to social events when we both have the time and availability. There are going to be many hurtles in the future as there are with all relationships, but I think we are developing the tools necessary to work through them in a healthy manner. I do have faith the follow-through will match my optimism this time around.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Saving face with her friends? Sigh. She can simply say that she is prioritizing her marriage and can start acting responsible ... like right now. She should not worry about placating these "friends". She should be doing everything to save her marriage. She does not need to impress these "friends" by looking weak with her husband. That IS weak. That is very childish.


One of my favorite quotes is "you can be right or you can be happy." You are completely right in principle. But by giving her an opportunity to save face, you would also be showing love.

RandomDude, I think your way of reaching out to her is wonderful and I'm glad it seems to have made a connection. I'd want to give both of you a hug if I knew you for being able to open up like that. I wish you guys the best.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

randomdude12 said:


> In fact while I was grabbing some water she texted her friend saying she can’t text her anymore, and was going to sever it right then and right there. This was the friend that constantly asked her to hang out all the time even tried to recruit her for a sleepover. A “toxic friend.” I stopped her because I do agree in saving face because these people are her co-workers and it is our livelihood as of yet. Those things shouldn’t be severed without tact as it could turn negative for her. But the first text was sent so now we have to come up with a good reason to why she said that.


I have a gut feeling that these friends know EXACTLY why you would want this partying to end. No need for tact. Another married man found his balls. They'll find someone else.



randomdude12 said:


> She hadn't dove in head first like she wanted to because she was afraid I would get mad if she did.


:scratchhead: Really? She wanted to be away from you EVEN MORE? But she held back at least because she knew it would be wrong. Oh, wait. scratch that. I read it wrong. She wasn't out with them very waking hour because Daddy would get mad. Well, almost as good.



randomdude12 said:


> Also, the friends she made are all girls and she never went out to the parties, or very many get togethers, she hung out a few times, but i could see it was something she wanted to do and was interested in increasing the frequency past what I felt was acceptable.


Oh? What was this then?



randomdude12 said:


> 1) Hanging out with friends i don't know or don't approve of, doing things like parties where there is drinking, TGI Fridays at the bar, Friends houses late into the night.


OK. You talked. Great. Is she still going to hang out somewhat regularly with a bunch of single girls on the make? These single girls all go out to hook up with men EXCEPT when your wife is with them, in which case they go to the knitting class?

Look. Nobody can say your wife can't go out or have friends. But all single girls that go out to meet men? I'm not sure that's a good idea. I get the feeling that the texting with the toxic friend will slow down. It won't stop. And the late night partying WILL continue (since it evidently wasn't too bad to begin with). But now she has your blessing to do it, it seems. Did you talk about what goes on during these GNO'? You must have and it must be something you approve of, right?

Please keep us updated. Looks like you had a nice talk. I just hope the results of your nice talk end up being a little different that the results i get im my nice talks with my wife.

Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thanks for the up date and you have no idea how much I enjoy being proven wrong when it comes to things like this.

With regards to saving face, I don't think it has to be so as to telling a friend that you have to "sever ties" as much as it is "no thank you, I have plans with my husband" see, repeating that enought times, the toxic friends stop asking and the friends of the marriage invite the husband along.


I found it interesting that your wife picked out one paticular friend to contact immediately and make that statement. I have a feeling it was the one friend that needs your wifes good looks to get the guys and was more demanding of your wife above all the other friends.

I think you can count your blessing that out of all the "friends" that one needed the bluntness and straight forwardness your wife showed. Now that "friend" can go find another hot chick to be her wingman/man bait.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

randomdude12 said:


> I found out the reason she didn’t try very hard to convince me how sorry she was and how commited she is to our relationship is she felt like once I lose my trust in her, it would be over. I am to blame for that


Really???? So she knows how hard it's for you to trust again and she decides not to do anything about it?? Instead of fighting to earn the trust she chooses the easiest way and prefers to do nothing !!! How lazy is that? How careless and indfferent does it sound ?

If you broke her trust wouldn't you fight to have it back instead of ignoring it??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

yeah, i see what you guys are saying and for a generalized majority of situation the Girls Night Out for some groups are actually about just the girls. When i used the word single i meant it loosely, These girls have boyfriends, some long term (4 years) some i have no idea or if they are even committed to that guy. I agree, a married woman/man should not hang out in social events with single me/women. As nature dictates 99% of a singles person actions are in the light of attracting the opposite sex. Even if it isn't on their mind at the time. Their actions are conditioned to always be appealing for the other person. Attracting this attention with her friends having an open mindset just puts her in a presence that she shouldn't constantly be exposed to. Not because she would become unfaithful, but becasue it is not healthy. We also talked about this and agree. From now on if she does do girls night outs, first it will be very sparingly and not often, its not going to be at a bar, or party place, but rather at a house, with other married/committed women. There is an activity, a place, and start and end time. This is ok and fine by me. My worries lie in people and situations i don't trust. Also exposure to immature and single girl/independent girl mindset.


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Really???? So she knows how hard it's for you to trust again and she decides not to do anything about it?? Instead of fighting to earn the trust she chooses the easiest way and prefers to do nothing !!! How lazy is that? How careless and indfferent does it sound ?
> 
> If you broke her trust wouldn't you fight to have it back instead of ignoring it??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We also talked about this, I told her what i needed was for her to try and reassure me. She told me she as waiting for me to tell her i still wanted her. This shows me she truly thought it was hopeless, again because i made it seem that way in the past. I would say it was partly her fault but this is the first time she has been in this situation and didn't handle it correctly, and mostly to do with lack of communication from both of us. we are like alot of you said, still young and still learning the correct way of doing things.


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

MrK said:


> :scratchhead: Really? She wanted to be away from you EVEN MORE? But she held back at least because she knew it would be wrong. Oh, wait. scratch that. I read it wrong. She wasn't out with them very waking hour because Daddy would get mad. Well, almost as good.


Well if she truly didn't have any respect for me and was only concerned with what she wanted and not about me, she wouldn't have even cared if i got mad in the first place. She doesn't face getting spanked or grounded. she held back because she has an interest in our relationship and cares about what i think. 

At least that is how i look at it.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

randomdude12 said:


> We also talked about this, I told her what i needed was for her to try and reassure me. *She told me she as waiting for me to tell her i still wanted her. *This shows me she truly thought it was hopeless, again because i made it seem that way in the past. I would say it was partly her fault but this is the first time she has been in this situation and didn't handle it correctly, and mostly to do with lack of communication from both of us. we are like alot of you said, still young and still learning the correct way of doing things.


Why was she expecting you to show her you love her....after all she should've been the one to do that because she wasn't giving you too much attention. It was hetr turn to show love , not yours .
You were the one who felt betrayed and not loved enough. Sounds like this girl wants atrention every hour of the day even when she doesn't deserve it.

I don't know why but I think she came up with irrelevant excuses and having you buy them makes it easier for her to get away with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

MrK said:


> It won't stop. And the late night partying WILL continue (since it evidently wasn't too bad to begin with). But now she has your blessing to do it, it seems.
> Good luck.


And no, we have an understanding with going out. Unless on rare occasion with people i know and trust in a location not congruent with singles having the ability to hook up, any further social interaction is to be done together. Since I am a part of her life, i am also a part of her social life. And the same goes for me. Her friends need to be our friends, my friends need to be our friends. we need to work and live as a team. I have given no blessing for her to continue this independent lifestyle/emotional affair. And this is something she is going to really appreciate later in life, especially when kids arrive. Too often husbands take off and drink beer at the sports pub leaving everything up to the woman. I don't value that, i value relationships and family. I will be there for her when other guys aren't with their wives. I know she knows this. The friend priority does dissipate with age, maturity and circumstance. it did for me, and with what i know about my wife i expect it will if it hasn't already started.


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Why was she expecting you to show her you love her....after all she should've been the one to do that because she wasn't giving you too much attention. It was hetr turn to show love , not yours .
> You were the one who felt betrayed and not loved enough. Sounds like this girl wants atrention every hour of the day even when she doesn't deserve it.
> 
> I don't know why but I think she came up with irrelevant excuses and having you buy them makes it easier for her to get away with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I completely agree with this in the case she didn't feel like all was lost. Your going to have to believe me when i say i made it very clear when people lie to me and lose my trust i never trust them again. She has seen me completely dump people, first hand she has seen my words were put to action without exception or hesitation. I really believe she felt this also applied to her. But she is my wife, and i knew she was an exception to this practice, she didn't get that implication. If you think something is lost how willing are you to fight a losing battle? 

let me be clear however, i don't feel 100% this way. i do feel like the ball was in her court, and it was expected she make the first move. I don't agree with how she held back but i can understand it and i can look past it given it doesn't happen like that again. If you are the one that messed up it is your responsibility to fix it. We also covered this. I used the exact words "ball in your court"


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

I understand how easy it is to be skeptical about hurting relationships being fixed. I have been in bad relationship where absolutely nothing you do could fix it but tried hard anyways. I am a very skeptical person. i didn't commit my life to my wife because she knows everything about relationships and it would be easy, I married her because she is very intelligent among other things. If you level with her she is smart enough to understand and make the right decision. However you need to go about it logically and leave the emotion out. I didn't do this and completely shut the door on a healthy resolution. I added gas to our fire. my approach to this was wrong, in conjunction to the fact acceptable practices of a husband and wife are not things we are born knowing. We learn it from our parents, and independent research. Hers were bad models for her, and they did this stuff and continuously suffer from the consequences. This whole thread is categorized as independent research. She is learning and so am I. I think the important thing is our intentions for each other are good and true and hopefully the rest will follow.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Well you had a nice talk and it sounds like you handled it well. However don't fool yourself into thinking it's over. This will continue to play out. You married too young and your wife is reacting to that fact. Regardless of her intellectual acknowledgement she will still be dealing with the emotions and needs that started this behavior. You can't snap your fingers and expect it to be over.

Good Luck


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Well you had a nice talk and it sounds like you handled it well. However don't fool yourself into thinking it's over. This will continue to play out. You married too young and your wife is reacting to that fact. Regardless of her intellectual acknowledgement she will still be dealing with the emotions and needs that started this behavior. You can't snap your fingers and expect it to be over.
> 
> Good Luck


as much as i hate hearing this, i know it true. I trust her to get past it. if i didn't than i would have made the wrong decision to put a ring on her finger. I just hope the road isn't too bumpy. But once this problem is fixed were going to run into problems associated with adulthood! i don't expect marriage to be easy, i just expect my partner to weather the storms with me and enjoy the calm waters in between. maybe catch a fish while were at it. lol


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

randomdude12 said:


> as much as i hate hearing this, i know it true. I trust her to get past it. if i didn't than i would have made the wrong decision to put a ring on her finger. I just hope the road isn't too bumpy. But once this problem is fixed were going to run into problems associated with adulthood! i don't expect marriage to be easy, i just expect my partner to weather the storms with me and enjoy the calm waters in between. maybe catch a fish while were at it. lol


Trust but verify.....


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Trust but verify.....


:iagree:
Do what the man says! 

This is not over RandomDude12. Either your original postings were blown way out of proportion or your wife told you what you wanted to hear just to shut you up for now. Issues like this don't change that drastically in such a short period of time. All I will say to you is what I said in my first posting to you:



The Middleman said:


> Finally you need to look up the 180 on this site and follow it. You are too passive, too afraid of loosing her and being too a nice guy to correct this situation. You need to stand up for your self and be prepared to walk away if necessary. You need to show her you mean business.


Stay in touch with us.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Good that you discussed with your wife the issues but just a word of caution..Most infidelity posts follow your relations's pattern. H and W are childhood sweethearts. Wife finds new single friends. Starts new habits. Starts resenting him for getting into a relationship with him too young and not sowing her oats a bit more. Starts flirting which some d0uchebag. Cheats with him. hubby notices her detachment after a while. Starts snooping and finds the evidence.. Devastation..


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

randomdude12 said:


> the friends she made are all girls and she never went out to the parties, or very many get togethers, she hung out a few times, but i could see it was something she wanted to do and was interested in increasing the frequency past what I felt was acceptable. *She hadn't dove in head first like she wanted to* because she was afraid I would get mad if she did. This is what caused her resentment.


*Good to hear you had the talk with your wife...*
The important thing to remember is that both you and your wife understand that no marriage is immune to infidelity. I have the seen the most devoted couples who had been together for years, pledging their dying love for one another and one of them will trash their entire lives for a one night stand.

This is how the pattern of behavior starts. First she's just hanging out, then she wants to hang out longer and attend their parties, then it's sleep overs, then there is a guy or 2 hanging out, then the flirting starts... It's the same script seen over and over again, It's a pattern and it's a good thing you nipped it in the bud.

As far as her friends at work, she needs to understand that those friends will come and go. I wouldn't concern myself too much about what they think. She can maintain a polite and professional relationship with them without damaging the atmosphere at work.

Finally , a word of caution, I'm glad that you and the wife had the talk, but *don't fool yourself into thinking you're out of the woods*. The temptation for her will always be there as long as she is in the position she is in. If you trust her that's fine, but like the saying goes...

TRUST BUT VERIFY!!! GOOD LUCK!!!


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

Those last two posts are EXACTLY why i freaked out before anything even happened really. I know this path, and i know no relationship anywhere on earth is immune from this. I too have seen devoted people who you never could have thought had the capacity to cheat do it. I've seen people do it and the same night regret it so bad they act as if their family was just slaughtered in front of them. I know this path starts with something innocent and ends in devastation for so many people who don't deserve it. This is human nature, one of the most powerful forces around and it will take you off guard. So again I am aware of this, because i've seen it happen, every step of the way. She hasn't, this series of events is not something she has seen before. So when the flags start popping up I did everything to stop it (also overreacted when i confronted her about how i felt) and she just looked at me like huh? This forum was the exact tool i needed. Seeing how many people consistently said the same things made this all real to her and not something i was just unreasonably paranoid about.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

Communication is the key brother...

It great that your wife was able to read the responses in this forum. She needs to understand that you are not paranoid. What you had is a normal reaction from a husband who is trying to protect his marriage. She is truly blessed to have a guy like you who could notice the red flags early and put a stop to it.

So many times, the husband just lets the wife do her thing because he doesn't want to appear controlling or possessive and the next thing you know, it's too late and a full blown affair is taking place, all because he was too afraid to confront his wife with his suspicions.

One thing you could also do is to ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed? 
She shouldn't be doing anything she wouldn't want you to do.

You're doing good brother, stay on your toes and stay alert. I think you and your wife can get thru this. Set some boundaries and hold her accountable and above all, talk, talk, talk!

Good Luck!


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

cheating is definitely not something you wake up and feel like doing, It happens slowly and with baby steps. If you wake up and realize your relationship has been horrible, and you are not happy, and you have resentment towards that other person, ect.. why would anyone in that position feel they have something to protect anymore. You wouldn't lock a rotten egg in a lock box. Too often people realize this, and focus their attention on having fun and doing what you want. Sex is fun, I am not afraid to admit that. Sex with new people is exciting. And when you lose your love for someone, you forget that sex with someone you love triumphs this 10 fold. If that is taken away, people who were once devoted and always thought they were going to be devoted loose their way because what is back at home isn't something they want anymore. The problem with all this is, its usually around this time people realize they either need to divorce or get help. Often people get choose to get help but then realize later the other wasn't faithful through the hard times. I wouldn't be able to forgive after something like that. Even if i could forgive, i could never feel my marriage is safe or regain the level of trust i require.


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## randomdude12 (Nov 26, 2012)

yeah i did learn something through all of this. And its what you said above. Being protective, controlling, are not negative things when it comes to marriage. It is our right to be controlling, both of us. Overbearing is a different story, i can understand that. It is ok to fight for these things, and to not allow these negative connotations distract you from stopping a growing problem. that is really good for me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> Thanks for the up date and you have no idea how much I enjoy being proven wrong when it comes to things like this.
> 
> With regards to saving face, I don't think it has to be so as to telling a friend that you have to "sever ties" as much as it is *"no thank you, I have plans with my husband"* see, repeating that enought times, the toxic friends stop asking and the friends of the marriage invite the husband along.
> 
> ...


Exactly.

Good luck Dude. One big take away is that some women will push boundaries to see if you care. Attention is crack. 

Also if she really did spend 90K on an education hopefully she will find a better career than being a hostess.


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## DrLoveGuru (Mar 5, 2013)

1 word for you pal ANNULMENT!


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Constantly texting all night when you are with someone is very rude. My exhusband used to do that. Needless to say, he is my "ex."


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

STALE THREAD ALERT!!!

The OP has been gone for over three months.


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## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

I stopped reading when you disclosed your ages. Way too young for her to be married. Run away as fast as you can. She is a debt-ridden liability that will only ruin your life. She needs to be single.


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