# Not sure I am ok with open marriage



## jb468911

Ok, so I found out my wife was sexting with some guys she met online. We have grown apart and I do take part of the blame for that. We still get along great and really don't fight much but it feels like we are more business partners just trying to raise our three kids. When I confronted her about the texts, she said she thought I was also having an affair (although I was not) and I guess that justified it in her mind some way. She offered me the same freedom - to find someone else on the side, all in an effort to stay together for the kids' sake. At the same time, we would work on spicing up things between us in the bedroom. I'll admit, this kind of excited me at first and I was agreeable but after a few weeks have passed, I still have these feelings come back like I am being disrespected when I know she continues to text with these other guys. And it bothers me that she does not seem equally bothered. I guess I was hoping that as we tried to revive the spark between us, that sexting with the other guys would seem less appealing, but I still think she is just as active in that area. I'm thinking, why isn't it good enough to try to fix our relationship? Part of me wants to just start banging other chicks and thinks that will help me get over it but another part of me wants to give her an ultimatum - either focus on our marriage or just call it quits and get a divorce. I guess the scary part about that is that if she chooses divorce, I am worried about what that will do the kids. Our kids are 5, 9 and 13 by the way. Would love to hear others' thoughts as I have no one else at all to talk about it with and it's driving me crazy!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

first off, i would boot her azz out.

at the very least, if you still want to try and work things out with her then she has to focus on that and get rid of the others.

no way i would go for an open marriage...while trying to work things out? 

you dont think the kids will figure things out?
guess again.


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## Will_Kane

Seems like a very strange situation. You make it sound like it is just sex talk between her and the online guys. No emotional stuff, I love yous, soulmates, etc.? More like a porn addiction than an emotional affair?

Then again, it seems like you two do not connect emotionally.

Can you be more specific about exactly what she is doing and where both of your emotional needs and sexual needs are being met?


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## Will_Kane

Have you told her you would like to work on your marriage, to have all of your emotional and sexual needs met by each other without either of you having to go outside the marriage? If not, that's where I would start.

If she wants to continue with the online guys and you don't want her to, that leaves you with either deciding to accept the situation, which you don't seem willing to do, or letting her know that you will divorce if she keeps it up.

I understand your concern with the kids and her dangling the carrot that you can stay together for the kids' sake to convince you to accept her behavior, but are you sure that either she wouldn't find someone and leave you in the not-too-distant future or vice versa? I think it is best to nip this in the bud and do what you think is right, which is to tell her that the marriage cannot continue this way.


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## that_girl

Did your vows include other people? No? Well then that's why you're not ok with open marriage.

YOU DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS.

This is your wife's way of cake eating ...and taking your money. She gets to bang other people (obviously she wasn't happy with you in bed or she'd be after you) but you get to pay her bills and give her security.

Yuck.

If you're not ok with this, WAKE UP AND KICK HER ASS OUT.


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## Trickster

A couple that my wife and I know decided to have an open marriage instead of a divorce. Neither one wanted to leave the kids and I am sure they couldn't afford to live apart. It took several years but they got closer. They were really just roomates and had their own "date" nights. They did keep it from the kids. They were young. 5 years later, they are still together. They seem happy. I never knew they were doing this Open marriage until several months ago.

After a while they did start to treat each other better. This is far far far from the norm. Most people would be out of there. I think even with my daughter, I would be gone.


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## EleGirl

If you are not ok with an open marriage, you need to draw a very strong boundary on infidelity. Tell her that either she gives up the online stuff NOW and agree to work on your marriage. If she does not agree to the marriage tell her that she has to move now. Do not allow her to remove your children from the family home. 

If she agrees to end the affair and work on your marriage, then she has to agree to 100% transparency. This means that she gives you the passwords to her cell and all of her computer accounts. She agrees that you can put a keylogger all computers you two use. 

And she agrees that you can check up on her at any time you want to. You need to do the same with your info.. giving it to her.

Legally you cannot kick her out of the family home, but many cheating spouses will leave when asked to.


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## the guy

What you wife is suggesting is a life style change that can be healthy. See this lifestyle magnifies the marriage. If you have a healthy and commited marriage the life style will magnify the connection the two of you have.

But it seems, in your case the life style has magnified the disconnect the both of you have.

Don't be fooled, her proposal is not a benifit for the marriage, it is a benifit for her and her alone. I would bet my wages that if you invited her to a strip club and gave her a chance to watch you get a lap dance, then the marriage wouldn't be so open for her.

The point is her interpitation of a open marriage doesn't include you, I bet she would go nuts watching you get ready for a date!

She is in an affair fog, pure and simple and is saying things she has no clue on the reprocussions. Again her suggestion will magnify the marriage, so just something to think about.


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## isla~mama

Some people are ok with open marriages. You haven't really tried it yet since you haven't slept with anyone else. Maybe there are polyamory message boards somewhere you could post on for more precise advice or experiences.


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## the guy

Don't be confussed this isn't about an open marriage, it is all about your WW justifing her affair.

You will get no support from you wife in this matter. All she wants is to cake eat, but when the open marriage doesn't go in he favor she will continue to justify her behavior instead of supporting OP date.

I understand the open marriage is not for OP, but my point is either is it for his wife. She is in a affair and choose to hide it from her husband until she got caught. There is nothing open about it.


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## Mavash.

This is cake eating at it's finest. She's just justifying her affairs plain and simple.


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## jb468911

Thanks for all of the replies. So here are some more details. I am sure she has not actually had sex with anyone else. I do know that she met one of them in person once at a restaurant, and I really do believe that this is as a far as it went. She swears there is no emotional connection with any of them and claims there is no way she would ever want to leave me for any of them. Quite frankly, most of the guys she is texting with are much younger and outside of lust, probably would have nothing in common with my wife. My wife and I are both 40 years old, btw. She also says that she could see that a time would come when we stop seeking sexual fulfillment outside the marriage and it be just between us again. But she thinks that if both of us get out there and experience new things, that it will help our sex life as well. Again, part of me thinks that I'm being played but another part of me would REALLY like to have some sexual experiences with other women who may be more adventurous in bed and thus, give this a try. Again, if it were not for the kids, we probably would've divorced a few years ago, but for the kids' sake I am tempted to give this a weird arrangement a try. Remember in my original post I said I was excited about it when she first proposed it and we also agreed that we would simultaneously try to spice things up between us. Things have gotten better in that department and the last few times we've had sex, it's been the better than it has been in a long time. Neither one of us has pulled the trigger on actually sleeping with someone else at this point, but she seems determined to do so and I guess I will do the same, maybe. Haha, I know I sound wishy washy but understand I am on an emotional roller coaster right now. I appreciate the opportunity to discuss my situation with others on this forum. This is not exactly something you can easily talk about with the people in your normal, daily life.


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## Runs like Dog

Here's the analogy I draw. It's like renting a car. Other people use the car but when you're driving it it's your car. And when you turn it back to the agency it's not your car and someone else gets to drive it.


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## jb468911

> Here's the analogy I draw. It's like renting a car. Other people use the car but when you're driving it it's your car. And when you turn it back to the agency it's not your car and someone else gets to drive it.


WTF?


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## Runs like Dog

jb468911 said:


> WTF?


I didn't say it was appealing or normal or moral or even sane. But that's the analogy I draw.


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## johnnycomelately

Hate to break it to you but evidence from couples in open relationships shows that the female partner almost always has a higher success rate than the male partner. Sad fact. 

You are in a lose/lose situation.


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## jb468911

Oh, one more thing I wanted to add...while discussing the possibility of sleeping with other people we laid out some ground rules:

1. Meet ups absolutely can not interfere with daily family life.
2. No one never, ever sees the kids, know their names, where they go to school or anything of the sort.
3. She agreed to get a part time job to pay for her student loan, gas and cell phone.
4. Do not get involved with anyone that both of us know.
5. No one is allowed to bring anyone to our house.
6. No one is to ever be given our address or home telephone number.

I think that's it -or at least the main ones.


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## PBear

Here's my thoughts...

Ideally, an open marriage would start from a healthy relationship, not one on its deathbed. Not much you can do about that, though... On the plus side, it doesn't sound like you have too much to lose, if the only reason you're still together is for the kids. Personally, I feel like that's a pretty weak excuse, as I feel the kids are often better off with two parents in healthy relationships, rather than struggling in a single dysfunctional one. Especially if the parents can keep things amicable.

On the other hand, it can be really difficult to keep sex as "just sex". It's very easy for emotional connections to develop. Maybe not at first, but over time, with the same partner...

My GF and I have been seeing each other for over a year now; we're in our mid-40's. We've discussed a somewhat open relationship. But we've done that from the start. It hasn't been one of us arbitrarily starting to make it "open".

Some of the rules we've discussed are things like restricting it to one time things (to help keep from connections developing), keeping it infrequent (an occasional dash of spice to a healthy sexual relationship), and making sure our communication stays clear and open. We'll see how it goes. Neither of us has come close to acting on it, so it's mostly fantasy right now. Although we have had a threesome already, and are planning another.

Good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb468911

When I hear someone say that staying together for the kids is not a good excuse, I think most of them are coming from the point of view where the parents are always fighting and not getting along. My wife and I actually have always gotten along great and we never have fought much. My parents always fought in front of me and I do believe that their divorce probably was better for me than to be forced to see and hear the constant arguing. The only missing link in our relationship the past few years has been the sexual attraction to each other. I guess that's why I have hope that this "experiment" can fix that part. And if it doesn't, well then we can call it quits.


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## dld5537

it used to be the guy that usually cheated. times are changing!


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## PBear

jb468911 said:


> When I hear someone say that staying together for the kids is not a good excuse, I think most of them are coming from the point of view where the parents are always fighting and not getting along. My wife and I actually have always gotten along great and we never have fought much. My parents always fought in front of me and I do believe that their divorce probably was better for me than to be forced to see and hear the constant arguing. The only missing link in our relationship the past few years has been the sexual attraction to each other. I guess that's why I have hope that this "experiment" can fix that part. And if it doesn't, well then we can call it quits.


It's not just fighting, to me. Other things come into play when spouses try to "hang on". Lack of respect for each other, not concerned about pending quality time with each other, not being "intimate" with each other, including hugging, kissing, holding hands... Often the resentments and frustrations come boiling over, as well.

One of a parents responsibilities is to teach their kids what a healthy marriage is, and "hanging on" isn't it. Just my $0.02, as a separated father. I refused to sacrifice my happiness and one shot at life to teach my kids how to have a dysfunctional marriage.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien

Just by the nature of open marriages, her success rate will be much, much higher than yours. 

I was a child in a marriage where this was the norm, even though the parents thought we were actually stupid enough to think that their marriage was secure, and that this kind of thing wasn't happening. Kids can intuit a broken marriage, despite being played like puppets by their parent's intentions. Let me be clear in saying that they will very obviously sense the missing devotion in your wife, even if she does not pursue the open marriage. THIS is what you are teaching them in a distant replationship. Its like some universal saga that people propose, thinking that a pretend marriage will somehow be better than the alternative, when kids actually learn that an emotionless marriage is the norm for their own marriage. When they learn the inevetable - that an emotionless marriage doesn't work, they have the added guilt of being the first generation to divorce.


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## bandit.45

Open marriages don't work. They just don't. 

I predict your wife will latch onto the first man she bangs, and dump you for him. 

If you cannot regain the intimacy in your marriage then you both need to part ways. Don't raise your kids in that kind of slow, oozing poison.

Have you lost your damn mind?


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## EleGirl

You caught your wife cheating. She does not want to give up her affair. So she suggests an open marriage.

One of the oldest games in a cheater's book... get the other spouse to cheat and then the original cheater cannot be blamed for cheating.

Your marriage is over.... the kids are going to see two parents who are cheating and lying to each other. Nice example for your kids.


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## 2xloser

It sounds to me like you've already decided -- and agreed -- to go forward with this concept. I'm curious to hear how it plays out for you. 

Not popular or admirable, but I have to admit that as I prepare for the financial devastation of paying child support + 'maintenance' for her to essentially live nicely while she then holds other relationships, I toyed with the idea in the depths of my mind lying awake late at night. I fantasized with and considered how I'd get to see my child much more frequently, not have to sell my house, not limit his activities and excursions because I am supporting two households... the marriage is over & done with either way -- in divorce it just stops being, but in this scenario it ends and re-creates itself, differently. 

Logically it can't just be dismissed, but I decided against even going there with it on any level.


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## working_together

jb468911 said:


> When I hear someone say that staying together for the kids is not a good excuse, I think most of them are coming from the point of view where the parents are always fighting and not getting along. My wife and I actually have always gotten along great and we never have fought much. My parents always fought in front of me and I do believe that their divorce probably was better for me than to be forced to see and hear the constant arguing. The only missing link in our relationship the past few years has been the sexual attraction to each other. I guess that's why I have hope that this "experiment" can fix that part. And if it doesn't, well then we can call it quits.


I think you need to read more about òpen relationships`. In theory they sound like they might spice up your life a bit sexually, and it may. But you say that you can just stop it when you want. I can tell you that one person will not want to stop it, and then what happens....usually one person gets more involved emotionally with their lover, and the end of the marriage happens anyway. Even with many rules, it`s difficult to maintain the boundaries. Jealousy is a normal emotion, and someone is bound to become jealous, if your wife is not jealous of you having some fun on the side, then for sure she has lost her love for you.

You should post this question in the infidelity section, you will get a lot of responses there, mostly not good, but at least informative.

Ps. even the stronges marriages do not surrive this dangerous game.


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## the guy

Again open marriages are magnifiers, if the marriage is healthy then it will magnify it. Don't use it as a band aid, it will magnify the wound.


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## warlock07

Even the people in polyamorous relationships will agree. It is the first thing they tell you. Don't try to fix a damaged marriage(relationship) by opening it up. It is some kind of beginners rule that they have


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