# Gas Lighting???



## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Can you please explain? 
I have had many tell me that my H is doing it to me, but I want to be clear on what it is. 
He is also blame shifting, telling me I am just jealous of his friendship with a woman. Says that he keeps her on skype because he should be able to talk to her if he wants. This is a skype account he won't let me have access to. Was supposed to be for communicating with US during his deployment-- but he does not call us on skype at all.
I am about done trying. Ready to just call of R all together because he will not acknowledge that my feelings are hurt so deep and he continues to rub her in my face.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gaslighting is a tool used to make you think something isn't true that is. It's deception. And it also called "crazy-making."

My ex was a master at gaslighting.

Teensy example: 

_Person 1 (Gaslighter): "I will be going to California on Friday. My flight leaves at five."

Person 2: "Great. I know you are looking forward to this trip."

Friday rolls around...

Person 2: "Are you al packed for your trip and ready to go?"

Person 1: "What are you talking about?"

Person 2: "You said you were going to CA and your flight leaves at 5."

Person 1: (usually deadpan) "I never said that."

Person 2: "Yes you did."

Person 1: "No. I didn't. I never said that. What are you talking about?"_

And if they are really screwy they may say something like _"You are imagining things. I think something's wrong with you." _

The purpose of gaslighting someone is to make them question if what you ever really told them/showed them was even true. It's sort of like messing with reality.

It's sick. And it's very mentally abusive.

It is seriously fcked up.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

gaslighting is manipulating the truth in order to minimize his wrongdoings and emphazing yours, by constantly and subtly eroding at your perception of reality. It is a way for him to make the blame shifting successful, making you willing to accept the blame for things that are really his fault. Making you accept his inappropriate relationship with a woman and using the "jealosy" he has convinced you of as a tool to get away with it.

Fact: telling your H to not have inappropriate extramarital relationship with a woman is not jealosy, it is protecting the marital vows you made to each other.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> gaslighting is manipulating the truth in order to minimize his wrongdoings and emphazing yours, by constantly and *subtly eroding at your perception of reality.*


That's it. It's a tool used to skew your perception of reality. 

My experience with gaslighting was more with the latter/bolded part. I think my ex would sometimes do it just for kicks. And I think he got a sick enjoyment out of it, too. He once told me he would say/do things just to upset me & other times just to see how I would react. Sick stuff.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> That's it. It's a tool used to skew your perception of reality.
> 
> My experience with gaslighting was more with the latter/bolded part. I think my ex would sometimes do it just for kicks. And I think he got a sick enjoyment out of it, too. He once told me he would say/do things just to upset me & other times just to see how I would react. Sick stuff.


My H told me during the seperation/divorce thing.... he was trying to say stuff to push me over the edge- so I would file the paperwork. When I refused and told him he had to do it, he got even more angry. Even to this day, he is saying that since "at that time" he was convinced he wanted a divorce- he should basically not have to answer to me for what he was doing. What?? He was emotionally and mentally abusing the kids and I, with holding phones calls or any communication with us and he WAS writing her mom daily! I am disgusted and disturbed.
When he calls today it is likely the marriage ender. I am done, done being blamed and completely finished apologizing when I did nothing wrong.
Sadly, I hoped he would come around and he has proven he is not willing to even try.
Thank you all for the quick responses.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

newlife94:

One of the ways to counter gaslighting is to send out a far reaching set of mails/letters exposing a waywards adultery, this can be to family friends, co-workers, her co-workers family and friends. The words have to be carefully crafted. Often at the time this may not have an immediate effect as the months and years pass people know the adulterers for who they are. 

Keeping records of his gaslighting are crucial again some have used this to sue the wayward after separation, others have kept it as a reminder or further evidence especially if the wayward tries to manipulate the children .


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

It's an abusive, cruel thing to do to someone. The lowest of the low, imo.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Hold on to this new found strength to end the gaslighting your H is subjecting you to. He's most likely still in the affair, so at this point you have nothing to loose, he's already lost to you. When the gaslighting stops working, because you put an end to it, he will blame you for the end of the marriage. Don't let him guilt you in to accepting anything less than what you deserve. He's the reason the marriage and R is failing, not you.

Take care and good luck!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I so agree. My ex was very emotionally abusive. Gaslighting is textbook emotional/mental abuse.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I agree, it's really a damaging thing to do to someone. My stbx did this to me and I was completely unaware. The lies and manipulation were ridiculous. He still contends that he didn't cheat on me, even as he now lives with the other woman less than 6 months after we separated to "work on things". 

Here's a good article.

Are you being Gaslighted? | Psychology Today 

However, I do have to say that this was HIS method of dealing with what he was doing because he was too cowardly to just come out and communicate and say he was unhappy.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

holy cow lonelynlost, I was reading your article and it kind of dawned on me that, even though I was a "doormat", I realize so much of it was gaslighting, though I don't know if it necessarily deliberate, her behavior towards me and our marriage have had the exact same effect.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

So this is what the conversation was this morning:
WH- what is wrong? what did you need to talk about?

Me- I needed to talk to you about how some of these things have made me feel. Do you realize that my feelings are hurt? And that it bothers me more that you do not acknowledge that?

WH- what hurt your feelings?

Me- the fact that you are justifying your contact with _hermother. (WH interrupts with "oh my god, this again.")
I continue, ignoring his little outburst-.... I feel that your interactions were much more personal that her just sending care packages. You sent her pictures of yourself, talked with her about her other children and she even calls you by a nickname. That is very personal and you spend time communicating with her that you could be talking to OUR children....whom you have not emailed or written in MONTHS.

WH- I have not contacted her in like 3 or 4 months and at that time she was being nice to me and I was nice to her. You are mad because she (meaning the OW, not the mom) was a good friend to me, she was very nice and I was nice to her, we are friends. You are letting this all get to you, it is stressing you out and you are letting take over you. Our marriage will not work if you can't get over this. I did not do anything wrong and you spying on me looking for proof will only drive me farther away. You invaded my privacy, I won't stand for that. I told you that I am setting the ground rules and if you broke them, I would walk away, but I am still here. I am telling you that you have to believe me or it is over.

Me- I do not understand why you say that you cannot forgive me for invading your privacy, but I am supposed to forgive you for emotionally and mentally abusing me and the kids. You are not even asking for forgiveness, are not sorry and have no remorse but I am supposed to forgive you and move on. This seems incredibly selfish and you are not even thinking of how all of this made me feel. I feel that your continued relationship with her and her mother are undermining our marriage. You are hiding email communication and that implies deception. How can I feel secure with our marriage?

WH- You will continue to feel insecure until you believe me and stop letting all of this get in your head. You are letting someone else plant the seed of doubt and now you are adding things up in your head to make it happen. You cannot let this get to you and you have to trust what I am telling you.

So.... sounds like gas lighting???? 
Wow, now seeing it for what it is and his continued explanations for his behavior-- I am disturbed. He did nothing wrong and I am crazy?!?!?!?! Who knew?_


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Oh my gosh newlife, that is truly absolutely disgusting on what he is doing to you. What an ASSHAT! 

The only choice you have is to kick him to the curb, then maybe he will see the light but don't count on it. He sounds evil, blaming you and making you think you are crazy. And his kids??? Not seeing them. I can't even begin to imagine how terrible this has been for you. 

With a man like that you will you be so much better off without. 

I'm so sorry!


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Southern...you are right. He is horrible. Today seeing it for what it is and after reading the article, I was disgusted. He thinks that communicating with another woman and having this relationship with her mother is ok. He told me that I was getting bent out of shape over nothing. He joked around in one email with her mother about having a picture of this OW's dog on his desk....that another soldier saw it and commented "hey I did not know you had a bulldog?" He told the OW's mother "I had to lie and say how much I missed her and that I could not wait to take her for a walk when I got back." WTF?????? Really. 
So when I mentioned that I knew about the pic of the dog....he said that was all a joke and that she (the OW) had left the pic there when she left. OMG...does he really NOT see how disturbing and rediculous this is!!!!! He is almost 36 years old (married almost 15 yrs and 3 kids), she is 26 (recently divorced no kids) and they are acting like 13 year olds--- do you want a picture of my dog? 

WTH am I in the middle of??????? 
He does not call our kids (he is still deployed to Iraq), does not send them letters, emails or anything. He even made a comment about how frustrating it is to talk to them because they have nothing to say. WOW really!!!???? Because when they come home from school, they talk to me non-stop until they go to bed. Homework, band and girls...yes, we have 3 boys. 
I love my boys and I would be disgusted if they turned out like this.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

For the record everyone knows we only have 2 cats...never had a dog our entire marriage! What a creep. After all these years and the man he was, she can have this new idiot he has turned out to be. 
He did make a comment that he can be friends with who ever he wants... well, all is fair--so can I. And guess who my new FB friend will be, the OW. She should see our beautiful kids and if she is so great, I may just get along with her too. 
Maybe he did not tell her he is married and has 3 kids, if she only knew. 
This is very unbecoming an officer in the Army and she is in the air force...wonder what her command will think. Or wonder if she knows she has put her career in jeopardy with him???


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Until I found this site and learned about the gas lighting. I thought I was crazy. I seriously thought something was wrong with me. I would swear I knew he had tole me one thing but then turn around and tell me another.He had me thinking I had lost my damnd marbles. Turns out he had been gas lighting me. I never knew how much I was being mentally abused. I thought it was me.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

newlife94 said:


> For the record everyone knows we only have 2 cats...never had a dog our entire marriage! What a creep. After all these years and the man he was, she can have this new idiot he has turned out to be.
> He did make a comment that he can be friends with who ever he wants... well, all is fair--so can I. And guess who my new FB friend will be, the OW. She should see our beautiful kids and if she is so great, I may just get along with her too.
> Maybe he did not tell her he is married and has 3 kids, if she only knew.
> This is very unbecoming an officer in the Army and she is in the air force...wonder what her command will think. Or wonder if she knows she has put her career in jeopardy with him???



Ahhhhh, I think you should see if she will befriend you and then I think you should very carefully pick and see what you can find out first before you let her know who you are. I'm sure he lied to her, how much remains to be seen. She may not even know that he is married. Yes some men do this. 

If she knows.....then I'd think about it a while and decide how to proceed. 

You may decide to expose them both depending on what you find out, something to think about. 

Keep us posted.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

OMW newlife94, that is SOOOOOO my husband. That convo was very similar to ones we had. And I heard the same excuses, he can be friends with whomever he wants, I need to get over my trust issues, they are just friends, etc. If you have several hours to spend sifting through posts, you'll see a lot of the same stuff. Mine is at 86 pages, in the Going through Divorce or Separation forum, "I love you and I always will..." That thread was started when he moved out for a trial separation. But damn facebook and all that. Just wanted to let you know that I also friended the OW, and it didn't do anything. She deleted anything regarding him and didn't post much. But she was constantly on his wall posting, "Smile. " Hooker.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Newlife--I'm confused--do you know for sure that OW is the one who you think it is? Did he confirm it for you???



newlife94 said:


> WH- I have not contacted her in like 3 or 4 months and at that time she was being nice to me and I was nice to her. You are mad because _she_ (meaning the OW, not the mom) was a good friend to me, she was very nice and I was nice to her,* we are friends. *You are letting this all get to you, it is stressing you out and you are letting take over you. * Our marriage will not work if you can't get over this. I did not do anything wrong and you spying on me looking for proof will only drive me farther away. You invaded my privacy, I won't stand for that. I told you that I am setting the ground rules and if you broke them, I would walk away, but I am still here. I am telling you that you have to believe me or it is over.*
> 
> WH- You will continue to feel insecure until you believe me and stop letting all of this get in your head. You are letting someone else plant the seed of doubt and now you are adding things up in your head to make it happen. You cannot let this get to you and you have to trust what I am telling you.





newlife94 said:


> He* thinks that communicating with another woman and having this relationship with her mother is ok.* He told me that I was getting bent out of shape over nothing. *He joked around in one email with her mother about having a picture of this OW's dog on his desk....that another soldier saw it and commented "hey I did not know you had a bulldog?" He told the OW's mother "I had to lie and say how much I missed her and that I could not wait to take her for a walk when I got back." *


Ew. I don't like this one bit. He's not taking any responsibility for his actions. if he is still in contact with OW and her family an dher do g(wth?!) then no dice, Newlife. You don't have a marriage to speak of as long as he's disrespecting you like this. He is basically saying "Etiher you do what I want and if not, this doesn't work fo rme" when he is the one who cheated. It's selfish and ridiculous. "Meet all my needs but you're not allowed to feel sad/hurt/angry or I will walk." Yuck. He should be on his knees thanking you for a second chance.

You said OW is recently divorced--I wonder if it has to do with her affair???


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

JellyBeans....he does not deny that he is friends with her (the one I know it is). He just says that I am jealous because someone else was nice to him, he made a friend and I need to accept it. There was a time when he even made the idiotic statement that he is tired of only being friends with "safe" people. WTH does that mean? Basically all of OUR friends were married couples....oh, I get it- he wants to have single women friends who can stroke his ego when he wants it (and the option for an A I guess).

He must really think I am stupid.

The OW divorced before she deployed to Iraq sometime...and that was before he met her. Apparently from what I gather from my H emails with her mother....the ex of the OW did not treat her like the "angel that she is." YES, my H called this OW an angel????????!!!!!!!!!! WTF. 

OMG, when I actually type it and read it- it sounds more sick! He really has become a work of art. She can have her creation, I am over it. This drama is will not ruin the beautiful family that I have with my boys. They are going to be stronger for this. We have proven with this deployment that we can thrive without him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am confused. Is the woman in question the one he cheated with or not?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I am confused. Is the woman in question the one he cheated with or not?


Jelly, it sounds like the woman in question is exactly that... the woman in question. No proof of an affair, just all the wayward actions and words. A lot like my situation, I just had circumstantial evidence, lots of it! Plus they are both in Iraq, so who the heck knows what her H and this OW are doing. But I would bet my life on it that OP is 100% correct.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Jelly, it sounds like the woman in question is exactly that... the woman in question. No proof of an affair, just all the wayward actions and words. A lot like my situation, I just had circumstantial evidence, lots of it! Plus they are both in Iraq, so who the heck knows what her H and this OW are doing. But I would bet my life on it that OP is 100% correct.


Fortunately this OW left Iraq in May. So they are not together ....well at the same location...anymore. I know they keep in contact by email and phone. She is stationed in Japan (for now) and he is still deployed. 
Not sure what his intention is for keeping contact, except that she appears to stroke his ego and make him feel manly???? Or something. Maybe she is giving him techniques to stand up to me??? Apparently this whole thing is about him getting control back?!?!?!?! I asked him what that meant. 

His answer: "you have been controlling me." 
Me: "really, tell me what I control, so I have a better understanding of what you mean." 
WH: "you never let me be comfortable talking to female soldiers I work with." 
Me: "really???? Because I do not follow you around. You can speak with whomever you want, but when I see something inappropriate, I call bs." 
WH: "you cannot tell me who I can communicate with. She was nice to me and I was nice to her." (now back to referring to this OW)
Wow....after 15 years, it comes down to something so rediculous! Hope she is worth it. She is a 26 year old, recently divorced, no kids but probably wants them someday--too bad he is fixed, has 3 kids and will be giving all his monthly income to his family. Wonder if she knows the truth??? 
I think he is realizing he cannot have a double life.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

So here I am 13 months after D-day..... some days are better than others. There have been a few days lately that I have been very angry and even thought about D again. He has done ALL the heavy lifting, is remorseful and is transparent- there is just some things I cannot get past. Maybe I do not want to or it will just take more time. The gaslighting, mindgames and lies just eat me alive on those bad days. 
To give some details- it may help to explain why I think this R has taken a little more time in some areas for me. He is active duty Army, he came home from deployment in Dec 2011, we had some time together but it was full of stress as we had received orders to move (overseas no less). He was home a few months before he had to leave for a school- for 2 1/2 months.... NOT ideal when you are in the critical time for R. It was extremely difficult for me for him to be away when the gushing wounds were so fresh from the A. He came home and we moved 10 days later, to a foreign country and he has been gone several times since we arrived last May. Each time he leaves, it sets us back a little... how can I trust him? I know I need to and I want to. I am not naïve- I check up. I have become a VERY good detective~ I think that part scares him because when he found out some of the things I knew, he was shocked and in awe. I think that is one thing that bothers me to, why do I need to be on guard in my own home. 
I know I can be happy without him, I know I can be happy with him~ I just know this will take some time for me to come through. I don't think we ever really "get over" the A, that is not how I see it. I think we BS come through this time in our life with a different perspective. 

For those that are new on the board, you will find great comfort in reading the stories here- that you are not alone. This is not a group any of us wanted membership in, however I am grateful for help and genuine advice I have received here. I did not take some advice at the time it was given, my circumstances were different since he was not even in the country and I was trying to preserve his ability to provide for our kids- but I did expose and I did confront the OW when the time was right for me.
Happy New Year and thank you all again.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Before an A was ever an issue my W used to gaslight every time she was in the wrong in an arguement. It would frustrate me no end. One day I finally blew up completely, and almost ended our marriage. That was the day it stopped. The good news is when Dday came around years later gaslighting was not an available option for her.


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