# Serious Question - Need your Advice



## HereToCollaboratewithOthe (Sep 2, 2013)

Gents

You guys have always been very helpful and insightful - thank you

I am reaching out for your advice and insight one more time


This is embarrassing to share but it happened - here's the truth

I tucked up. I had a coworker - a woman - that I worked with for about a year - come on to me hard. I am 46- I am not that attractive, but for whatever reason - this woman wanted me.

I tried for months to turn down her advances.

I tucked up - one time on the client site (in the hotel - no clients) she came to my room and wanted sex. I kissed her. I then took her back to her room and left.

I told my wife of 2 years about it.

I have now lost trust - she just went through my phone email and text messages. Nothing there, but now I am confused.

I love my wife and have never been unfaithful except for the stupid thing I did jn kissing that girl.

Need your advice

thanks

Thanks

HereroCollaboratewithOthers


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Stay completely transparent with her. The kiss was wrong as you have acknowledged with her.

Give her every reason to know you have nothing to hide and are open and honest with her.

And foremost, let her know how much you love her!

Put yourself in her shoes...how would you feel about a man coming onto her and she kissed him?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you still work with this woman?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HereToCollaboratewithOthe (Sep 2, 2013)

Thanks Indy and PBear

No more contact with the woman.

Period


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I can only echo what Indy said.

Be completely open. Examine yourself, and tell your wife what you find. Apologize. Thank your wife for what she has done for you. Think of what you've got, and appreciate it. It you did something boneheaded, own up to it, and make amends for it.

Focus on the good parts of your marriage, realize what you risked, and learn from it.


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## prague (Jun 30, 2014)

Keep it quiet. Imagine the hurt this will cause to your relationship. You will never do it again, so don't tell. Simples


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

telling is often a selfish attempt to relieve yourself of guilt. 

Instead of one person feeling like sh1t now there's two, happy now?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Sunburn said:


> telling is often a selfish attempt to relieve yourself of guilt.
> 
> Instead of one person feeling like sh1t now there's two, happy now?


Yeah, why did you tell her? feeling guilty about it and thought it would be a good idea? You should have taken that to the grave.

That is, unless you actually had sex with her in the hotel room, were REALLY feeling guilty, and trickle truthed her. THAT is probably what she is worried about right now.

If your story is as you told it, you now know you can NEVER cheat on your wife, because your conscience won't let you get away with it. But you also know that you might do it on the spur-of-the-moment without fully thinking it thru. In other words, your immediate reaction to any sexual advance in the future has to be NO! don't even open that door a little bit in the future


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Sunburn said:


> telling is often a selfish attempt to relieve yourself of guilt.
> 
> Instead of one person feeling like sh1t now there's two, happy now?


For someone who has cheated, ever ponder how enormously self-serving that first sentence is? To confess a betrayal is actually a "selfish" act. Orwellian!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You are better off with transparency. She should be transparent with you, too. Transparency builds trust.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> For someone who has cheated, ever ponder how enormously self-serving that first sentence is? To confess a betrayal is actually a "selfish" act. Orwellian!


Plus a relationship has to be built on trust and intimacy -- how can you feel close to someone when you are hiding a betrayal from them?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ok, the kiss was not the best thing. But you stopped. Give yourself some credit for that. You were transparent.

Learn from this. Do not put yourself in that situation again. Do not play just the tip with this stuff.

Also, do not let this destroy your life or your marriage. At some point you need to forgive yourself. I am not saying forget the lesson. I am saying you will never be a good husband to your wife if you put a guilt trip on yourself forever. You have to move on at some point or you are cheating your wife out of a good husband. 

It was a kiss. I get that this was devastating. You learned you were not superman. So be the best husband you can be and don't screw up again.

In no way am I saying you should down play this to her.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

Hopefully it was just a kiss? If it was more, and you are lying to yourself and your wife, then your marriage is in big trouble. my ex told me he was just having contact with a woman by facebook and texting(because I found the text), then he later admitted he had actually met her, but she was with a friend and nothing happened. After I pushed him further, he said, well, she came alone but she had her period so nothing happened. Then he FINALLY admitted, that yes, she came alone, and she "talked him into having sex"! Wow, there is no limit to the lies that some people will tell to try to cover their asses. Hopefully this doesn't apply to you.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Did it ever cross your mind that what she was doing was *sexual harassment*? I'm not getting onto you, just pointing out what she was doing can be considered sexual harassment. 

I mean really, you're telling us this woman you work with knows you are married and keeps coming onto you presumable no matter how much you reject her. And she propositioned you for sex after you repeatedly told her no? 

Is this correct or are you leaving a few things out?

Regardless, two things come to mind besides transparency. *Boundaries* and *confidence*. Boundaries are the limits you should be setting where you can clearly tell this woman you're not into her and not let her try to talk you into it. Confidence is the way you think of yourself and carry yourself. Calling yourself "less than attractive" is not going to help you gain confidence. 

Besides this, I'll be the first one to say it. You didn't f*ck up that bad. Yes, you kissed another woman and that was very wrong. However, you didn't let that kiss turn into sex and after it happened you decided your marriage was worth more than a fling. I don't know about you but to me that sounds like an good man making an honest mistake. 

You can get through this and prove to your wife that you still love her and would choose her over another other woman out there again. Just learn from this and don't ever let anything like this happen again. You only get like one or two chances to f*ck up in marriage and not ruin the relationship or cause serious damage. You made one of those mistakes already if you catch my drift.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah, I would stay open and transparent...don't try to deflect or minimize your actions when your wife grills you. Also, there is nothing you can do to "Fix" the situation...it is going to take time for your wife to process all of this through. 

She may ask for a separation or a divorce...I know the thought of that is scary, but you need to just be strong, be honest about your feelings, and NEVER react poorly to your wife's expression of hurt, pain, and anger.

I would even suggest that YOU take the initiative for marital counseling. If your wife is not there, then take the initiative to go to individual counseling. Not only will is demonstrate to your wife that you are committed to the marriage and want to get to the root of the matter, the counseling also may do you some good.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I think that true forgiveness is necessary in any long term relationship. I'm not suggesting that anyone tolerate long term bad behavior, but a lifetime is a LONG time.

to head of questions - yes I have done wrong things, and my partner has done wrong things. We have both forgiven.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

You crossed a line, a small line, and stopped. Nice job. I think there are some women that would appreciate that.

You now have a better understanding of what matters to you. Invite your wife on your next trip.


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## HereToCollaboratewithOthe (Sep 2, 2013)

Thank you so much to all of you guys who responded - man i am hurt and confused and we are strangers but you just honestly shared some pretty insightful advice.

Thanks guys.

You do not know how much this means to me.

Yes i am damaged - yes i kissed a girl at work.

Yes i have zero self esteem.

But given your outpouring of support - it speaks volumes my friends.

Thank you.

God bless.


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