# New to the forum, needing someone to reach out to



## le_sigh (May 8, 2015)

Hello all,

This is my first post to this forum. I have been dealing with my marriage issues by myself, and I was looking for a place where I could reach out and connect to others for emotional support.

My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have no children together, thank God. When we first got together, everything was great. We had a great, loving relationship. He is my best friend, although he has never once echoed the sentiment to me. We used to have a very active sex life, but over the years, it has dwindled. I no longer want to have sex with him, and when I do, it's not enjoyable. It's a chore. I believe this is due to all of the pent-up anger I have towards him.

My husband is now a huge jerk to me. The only time he really pays attention to me is when he pawing at me for sex. Otherwise, he doesn't really listen to me, or interact with me. Our lives consist of going to work, and watching TV. We do not go out and do anything EVER, and if we do, he ruins it with his crabby attitude. My husband seems to be unable to find joy in anything. He is a sour person, who is always mad about something.

He has pushed me down to the ground twice. The first time was about five years ago, and I ran out of the house and went drinking with some people we both knew. When I came home, he was oh-so sorry, and made the lying promise it would never happen again. He pushed me down again just a couple of months ago, screamed at me for a while about how much he hated me, and left the house that night. When he came back the next morning, he was tearful, and oh-so sorry. It would never happen again.

So far, it hasn't, but who knows.

On top of the physical abuse, he gets into the spells of uncontrollable rage, and no matter what he is mad about, it's always my fault. He will scream at me about how much he hates me, and how miserable he is. He will call me horrid names like wh*re and c*nt, and throw things in my face that I have confided in him as a partner and a friend. When he is like this, there are no words or logic that can reach him. The next day, he is all apologies.

My husband does not talk about his feelings, except anger. Anger seems to be the only feeling he is capable of sharing, and he does it quite well. He can ruin a good day in just a few seconds, and he is not afraid to do it. He has ruined birthday parties, family get-togethers, trips to the water park, and our wedding anniversary countless times. He keeps whatever frustrations he feels about work, about home, about whatever doesn't sit right with him, bottled up inside and then one day it explodes, and almost always, it explodes onto me. I am the goalie for of all of his anger. 

I truly love him, but I fear he will never improve his anger or change. He will promise to go to marriage counseling when he is kissing my butt after being horrible to me, but he never follows through with participating when I initiate the process. 

I don't want to call our marriage quits, although all sane people would say I should have done so the first time he pushed me down, and they are right. I have contemplated divorce so many times, but I always back out when he apologizes. At this point in our marriage, I couldn't leave even if I wanted to because I have nowhere else I can stay until I can get back on my feet for myself, and I have no car to leave in because the only car we own at the moment is in his name.

I am not looking for pity or suggestions, I just needed a shoulder to cry on because I don't really have anyone else to talk to besides him. I feel very alone, and I don't know what I am going to do. Part of me wants to stay and work it out, and the other part of me wants to pack up what I can and just leave.

Thank you for letting me vent here on the forum.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?
If you have children, how old are they?

You know that you are in an abusive relationship. It also sounds like it's escalating to violence. Your marriage cannot be fixed until and if he can control his anger and stop the abuse. He needs to change. But you cannot change him. The only person you can change is yourself. So I suggest you start with yourself.

It would help you a lot to get into counseling at an organization that helps victims of domestic abuse. They will help you work through what you need to do and how to go about it.

Do you have anywhere that you can go to, like a family member's home?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

le_sigh said:


> Hello all,
> 
> This is my first post to this forum. I have been dealing with my marriage issues by myself, and I was looking for a place where I could reach out and connect to others for emotional support.
> 
> ...


He is abusing you and it doesn't get better on its own, it is likely to escalate. You have not been married for that many years and something like this will wear you down where you are incapable of helping yourself or your will become immune to it and accept it as acceptable behaviour.

Talk to your husband tell him that his behaviour is not ok but that you are willing to go with him to therapy for his anger and help him resolve whatever the underlying issues are that causes his temper and sourness. If he is unwilling to budge then tell him you will not live in fear of what he is capable of and will move out. You have to follow through.


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## Zach's daddy (Jan 17, 2015)

Eventually if you don't leave he will kill you. That is how all those abusive relationships end. Get out while you can. He wouldn't abuse you if he really Loved you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How far into the counseling process have you gotten? Have you actually scheduled a session and gone and he just doesn't show?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need to get help. No one can actually "love" someone who treats them like this. You are confusing a number of things with love and, until you realize that, you will cling to the fantasy that is your "love" for him. But understanding your own misunderstanding is the work of some time--and you need to leave before you are truly in danger. 

Quit drinking, too, if you need to--that will only interfere with your own emotional growth. I'm not saying you have a problem (only you and your doctor can determine that), but the reality is that any use of drugs of any kind will inhibit your emotional growth. Give it a pass until you reach a point in counseling where you can focus on wither or not you want to be a social drinker or if it is too risky for you. but for now, it sounds like that is something you can put aside to focus on yourself. 

Good luck and god bless.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are caught in the abuse cycle and you are giving too much weight to those tearful apologies. You realize he has no inclination to change, right? Abusers tend to escalate over time because the power rush they get from abuse needs more and more to feed that high. It's like a drug. If you're hoping that one day he'll just wake up and stop, don't count on it. 

You are fortunate that there are no children to consider. That's what keeps many in abusive marriages but it's not a consideration in your case. So start putting together a plan to get out (hopefully very, very soon).


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