# How hard is it to communicate with your spouse?



## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

During our 22 year marriage, my husband and I have struggled with communication problems. We are currently getting ready to move our son 1500 miles away for a co-op. He will be gone for 5 months. Last night we went out to eat with our son and started talking about how we were going to do this. My husband was making it obvious that he didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t even remember who brought it up. My goal in the conversation was to get our son to contact a lady who will be able to give him some information. I strongly feel that our son needs to be the one to contact the lady. It is his job. He doesn’t need me or his father to do this for him. 
My husband made the comment that until our son had contacted this lady we couldn’t make any decisions and there was no use talking about it. He was acting very uncomfortable and wouldn’t really make eye contact with me. I felt hostility towards me. He then got up and went to the bathroom. I made the comment that he was in a bad mood to my son and my son pointed out that I that I wasn’t in a good mood either. 
My son was right. The more the conversation progressed (This was probably over a ten minute period at the most.) the more I could feel tension and anger build. I knew my husband wanted to shut the conversation down and I felt like we had to have this conversation. I decided to not pursue it during the rest of our dinner. We don’t see our son much since he has been away at college and I didn’t what his time around us to be miserable.
I waited a few hours and approached my husband in private. I told him that I sensed hostility from him and wondered why. He said he wasn’t angry. He was aggravated with me. He said until we had all the facts we didn’t know how to make any decisions. He said it stressed him to consider something without facts. He also said he didn’t realize I had already checked plane fares and apartments on line. He made a comment along the line that I was taking over on our son. I can’t remember exactly how he said it. I told him that our son had been looking for apartments on line and I had looked to get an idea of what we were going to have to spend. Our son starts working Jan. 9th. I am the one who pays the bills so I was looking from a budget point of view. I really try not to run my children’s lives. My husband’s mother always did that and I think is causes a ton of problems.
So this morning my husband comes to me and says he thinks what has caused the problem is we both figured we would do it a certain way and we have really not talked to each other. The first time we ever talked about it my husband stated how we would do it in front of our son. He stated that only one of us would fly out with our son because we couldn’t afford for all of us to fly. He said this in front of our son. I made the comment we would have to talk about it further. Our son is on an academic scholarship. We just received some sizable money and we already had money in the bank. I didn’t like the comment he made to our son about the cost because I felt it makes our son feel guilty. Our son knows our financial situation. The next time it comes up my husband states his plan as if we have agreed on it. I tell him we haven’t talked about it and he admits this. Last night was the third time it came up. I really would like to be able to kick ideas around but he makes it very hard. We have now scheduled to talk about it on Sunday.
This is the way it is with every important decision. My question IS THIS NORMAL? I find it so frustrating not to be able to talk about plans.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Why are you making all of the arrangements for your son? He's in college, for heaven's sake! Shouldn't HE be doing all this stuff? I don't get it. You don't need to be involved in ANY of this. Your son just needs to make the plan, tell you the cost and give you the details, and then you and your husband decide if it's something you can/will do. You HAVE taken over and are treating your son like he's in middle school. Learned helplessness for your kids is NOT a good thing. Maybe that's why he's frustrated.

You feel so frustrated because you want to CONTROL everything!


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Why are you making all of the arrangements for your son? He's in college, for heaven's sake! Shouldn't HE be doing all this stuff? I don't get it. You don't need to be involved in ANY of this. Your son just needs to make the plan, tell you the cost and give you the details, and then you and your husband decide if it's something you can/will do. You HAVE taken over and are treating your son like he's in middle school. Learned helplessness for your kids is NOT a good thing. Maybe that's why he's frustrated.
> 
> You feel so frustrated because you want to CONTROL everything!


I haven't taken over. My son is very independent. I do need to know when to get in the car to help him get his stuff to his apartment. It is 1500 miles away. I need to know if he will need us to take our car in order to not make more than one trip. People comment all the time on how independent he is. He chose what college to go to himself. He doesn't come home every weekend. He doesn't call everyday. He doesn't asks us to solve his problems. I'm very proud of this. I purposing have worked very hard not to do this, because my husband's mother was very much this way. I even asks my kids if I need to back off.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's hard to communicate with my husband on anything concerning us. He thinks if I have to talk to him about us, it's because he's in trouble or done something wrong.

ALL men should know that women just want to talk sometimes. lol. And they want their men to respond. It's not that difficult.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I like to kick ideas around. He hates to. It takes us months to accomplish something. The above conversation spans probably three weeks. We were originally going to go on a family vacation. I was hoping we could combine a little fun with the trip, but it will probably be too stressful. 

I'm considering what Laurae said. I think I will ask my son if I'm bothering him. I really do try not to make his decisions.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

My son says I am not a problem. I told him if I start picking out actual apartments and telling him where to stay to stop me. He has assured me that if this happens he will say something. I believe him.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Back to my original post. Does it take other couples months to discuss things? I have always had a very hard time getting my husband to make plans with me. He likes to figure it all out and then us just do it his way. Sometimes without even telling me what his way is. It is very hard to live with.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Laurae1967

I would like your comments. You are not afraid to say what you think. I am willing to look at myself. We have been going to MC for close to two years. It still has not helped with the communication much.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LimboGirl said:


> I strongly feel that our son needs to be the one to contact the lady. It is his job. He doesn’t need me or his father to do this for him.


 If you are helping your son pay for this, I can see your being a little antsy about making sure things are done properly ..and timely ...so all falls into place according to plan. 

Not sure how many years he has been in College, I was definitely the MOST helpful to my son his very 1st year when everything was utterly NEW & fresh to him - I visited college forums to learn stuff as I never went to college. Made lots of calls etc for him. But after he was there for a semester .......he knew way more than me ,how to handle anything financial & he was on his own in all descions regarding his housing, etc. Even with our helping pay but if he got too extravegent-- thinking he was going to live like a KING, he would fit the bill. 



> He said he wasn’t angry. He was aggravated with me. He said until we had all the facts we didn’t know how to make any decisions. He said it stressed him to consider something without facts. He also said he didn’t realize I had already checked plane fares and apartments on line.


 I would agree with your husband until you had all the facts in front of you, so you could peice it all together , see what can be afforded, weigh your options, after all the phone calls, writing the details down ....to bring forth in the meeting.....also with your sons research online in addition......and his FACTS as well....without all these things on the tablet to look at ....what is there to make a descion on -as it might be changed as more facts filter in, or your son changes his mind, wants a different place. 

A move like this sounds stressful, I would think other smaller conversations -not involving traveling would be alot easier. 

I would count much of this...just more stressful caues it is all up in the air right now and not sure how it is going to pan out -his living arrangements, who flys, and trying to avoid him feeling guilty.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> A move like this sounds stressful, I would think other smaller conversations -not involving traveling would be alot easier.
> 
> I would count much of this...just more stressful caues it is all up in the air right now and not sure how it is going to pan out -his living arrangements, who flys, and trying to avoid him feeling guilty.


I think this is what is going on with my husband. I think it does involve more than just the move though. I believe my husband is nervous about the distance and our son not knowing anyone. Our son is in the second year of an engineering program and this is his first co-op. He will do fine.

I'm a little stressed, also. But really we don't see him a lot now anyway. He really has to work hard and doesn't have time for us. That is how it should be.

The communication problems are typical for us. Stressful situations shut my husband down and I get so frustrated. I know I contribute somehow, but I have tried so many things. Giving him space, ignoring the problem, pushing the issue, etc. I just hope the counselling makes a difference some time. It's like having a relationship alone sometimes. I mean we don't discuss future plans, dreams, etc. It is too stressful.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

priclesspearl said:


> Sounds like he is being passive aggressive to me. If he was raised with his mother making all the decisions, he is probably hyper sensitive to having to conuslt anyone else about decisons or plans


I wondered if it had anything to do with this. His mother really would breathe for you if she could. In spite of this I really do love her, but you do have to be able to tell her no.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> My son says I am not a problem. I told him if I start picking out actual apartments and telling him where to stay to stop me. He has assured me that if this happens he will say something. I believe him.


Of course your son is not going to tell you that you are controlling! It's like asking your husband "Does this dress make me look fat?" If you have been a controlling mother it is likely that your son will feel like he can't be honest with you because he's been taught to take care of your feelings at the expense of his own. And the fact that your husband had a controlling mother and is now married to you.....well, you get the picture. 

There is nothing wrong with being a planner, but this is your son's internship and why you are looking for apartments for him and doing legwork seems odd and interfering to me. If he were really that independent, wouldn't he be taking care of anything associated with the internship?


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Of course your son is not going to tell you that you are controlling! It's like asking your husband "Does this dress make me look fat?" If you have been a controlling mother it is likely that your son will feel like he can't be honest with you because he's been taught to take care of your feelings at the expense of his own. And the fact that your husband had a controlling mother and is now married to you.....well, you get the picture.  You may be right I don't know. Like I said am willing to look at myself. As far as my son goes, he makes decisions and then tells me about them. I don't think I'm controlling with him, but you have a point it would be hard for him to tell me.
> 
> There is nothing wrong with being a planner, but this is your son's internship and why you are looking for apartments for him and doing legwork seems odd and interfering to me. If he were really that independent, wouldn't he be taking care of anything associated with the internship? I'm actually not doing leg work. When he told us where he would be doing his co-op I got on the computer and looked at prices in surrounding neighborhoods to get an idea of costs. I also checked plane fare in case we would need that info. I needed to know what kind of prices we were talking about. He can't pay for the upfront apartment costs. He will be getting paid so he should be able to handle it financially after the initial setup. He has said he wants to pay us back, also.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No, my husband and I are nothing like that. We are very open with each other and if I have something to say, my husband always gives me his full attention. I don't talk to many people in real life, so my husband hears everything. I give him full attention when he talks, even if I'm in the middle of something. We talk about everything. In the last 13 years I can't remember my husband getting angry with me. Yes, we will disagree, but we talk everything out. Neither my husband or I are the controlling type, we do have strict rules with our children, but we support each other on everything. We are truly best friends.

Congratulations on your sons scholarship! That is huge! Not many students are given scholarships. My daughter is planning on joining the National Guard in a few months. There is no way we would have the funds to help her through college at this time and she doesn't want student loans.

Communication is so very important in a marriage. My first husband had horrible communication skills. He was always angry and putting me down making me feel worthless. It was to the point of verbal abuse. I left after a year of marriage. There were other factors leading up to me leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> No, my husband and I are nothing like that. We are very open with each other and if I have something to say, my husband always gives me his full attention. I don't talk to many people in real life, so my husband hears everything. I give him full attention when he talks, even if I'm in the middle of something. We talk about everything. In the last 13 years I can't remember my husband getting angry with me. Yes, we will disagree, but we talk everything out. Neither my husband or I are the controlling type, we do have strict rules with our children, but we support each other on everything. We are truly best friends.
> 
> Congratulations on your sons scholarship! That is huge! Not many students are given scholarships. My daughter is planning on joining the National Guard in a few months. There is no way we would have the funds to help her through college at this time and she doesn't want student loans.
> 
> ...


I envy you. You don't know how much I crave open communication. It just doesn't seem possible with my husband.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Your husband sounds like someone who does not like to compromise, and so he does not communicate with you because he may not get his way all the time.

Are you framing your questions in ways that are not threatening to him? Do you allow him enough time to speak his mind? 

Do you know his love language, and are you meeting his emotional needs? Do you have a good sex life? That can work wonders to open communication.

You must tread carefully because this problem has gone on for years. I would try weekend sessions with him where each of you voices your view of what is going on the the relationship. Each one must listen without becoming defensive. Tell each other how you feel when these situations arise. You must address his feelings before he will open up to you.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Your husband sounds like someone who does not like to compromise, and so he does not communicate with you because he may not get his way all the time. Past incidents prove this to be true. He would never admit it though.
> 
> Are you framing your questions in ways that are not threatening to him? Do you allow him enough time to speak his mind? Last night I waited a couple hours and asked him what his feelings during the conversation were. He just said he was aggravated at me. It seemed stronger than that to me.
> 
> ...


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