# I was not expecting this.



## nolongerlove (Aug 15, 2011)

Hello, all! 

I am a 32 year old woman, married for just under 2 years. We have been together for 5.

When we got married we had a lot in common. At 30, I didn't expect myself to change all that much, but I did. Over the last year, I have grown apart from my husband considerably. We haven't had sex in a year (I try, he declines.)

When we got together, I had focused my life (thanks to some huge, awful, life events) on just simple, every day life. Prior to that, I had many hopes and dreams and wound up putting them away for fear of losing it all again. We had a lot in common - from music, to ideas, to sense of humor. And now, there's nothing. My tastes in music, movies - everything, really - has changed. We don't have anything to talk about. 

While this surely isn't the worst thing in the world, what makes it difficult is that he not only doesn't share things with me, he doesn't encourage me, either. I want to travel, and go out and do things, and enjoy my life. He insists that "we can't" because of money. But there's always enough money for things he wants. 

I feel like we are living two separate lives. I do almost everything on my own because we can't agree on anything to do. (And yes, I have tried going and doing things he likes even if I don't, the favor is not returned. Or if it is, he complains the ENTIRE time.) In fact, it feel like if we got divorced, the only difference in my life would be the extra money he provides. 

I feel as though I am dragging him a long with me. It happened REALLY fast, and we have had millions of conversations/arguments/fights over it. I grew up and he didn't. I am becoming bitter. I no longer do nice things. Everything I do is out of obligation instead of desire. And I hate feeling this way. 

We have no kids, so that's not a factor. I just don't know where to go. I know I said "for better or worse," but I feel like he is not honoring his vow to be the kind of husband I need. And is it fair to expect someone to stay in a marriage that is always "worse" and never "better?" I'm just lost and empty. And confused.

Any opinions are welcome.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? About how you're being affected by his lack of encouragement and sharing? About wanting to live lives together, not separately? Have you offered marriage counselling?

If so, start there. 

If you decide int he end you don't want to be married after giving it your best shot, then consider a separation/divorce.


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## nolongerlove (Aug 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Have you spoken to him about how you feel? About how you're being affected by his lack of encouragement and sharing? About wanting to live lives together, not separately? Have you offered marriage counselling?
> 
> If so, start there.
> 
> If you decide int he end you don't want to be married after giving it your best shot, then consider a separation/divorce.


I have done all of the above. It used to be "I'll try harder" and it would last for a month. Then it was 3 weeks, then a week, now he just says it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Marriage counselling?


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## nolongerlove (Aug 15, 2011)

As I said, I offered all of the things you suggested. He refuses.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Dear No Longer Love,

You haven't mentioned marriage couseling.

It sounds like your patience is maxed out and you are discouraged that marriage is now not meeting your "better or worse" standards.

From what you are saying, it sounds like there is a power struggle going on and I am interested as to why your husband is so resistant. If there is no lovemaking, there may be a medical problem, including depression on his part.

I have also struggled with impatience in marriage, so I get your frustration. Does your husband say that he still loves you? The difficulties which have caused transformation in your life...has your husband endured them as well? 

One of the most grim times in marriage is when we both lose our senses of humor at the same time.

L


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## nolongerlove (Aug 15, 2011)

I have offered marriage counseling several times. He refuses.

Ha also refuses to talk to the doctor about any of the "issues" that may be causing the lack of sex drive.

He does still say he loves me, quite a lot, but I just feel like it has no meaning any more. 

When I share my frustration about the lack of communication and passion and things in common, he says "It doesn't bother me. Why does it bother you?" Then does nothing about it. He does not try to hold me back from things, but he does not offer any sort of encouragement. It's kind of like a "whatever" attitude. 

For some, this may seem awesome - having a husband who doesn't try to hold you back or rule your live, or be too possessive. But it's not. It's apathetic and frustrating. I do not have a partner, I have a roommate who contributes to the bills.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

He refuses counseling. Does he say WHY? My feeling is that if he truly does love you, he will be very concerned over your deep unhappiness and anxious to keep you. Does he know how desperately unhappy you are?

If it were me, I would tell him how close he is to being alone and that if he did love me, he would SHOW ME by going to counselling with me and to a doctor, becasue tghe fact seems to be that you are not willing to live in suspended animation forever.

Your frustration with differences in interests is understandable, but I would say your number one problem is a lack of connection....spending time together on some level needs to happen and be healthy. Lack of sex is not healthy.

If he chooses to do nothing, he seems to be choosing the end of his marriage, by default.

L


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## nolongerlove (Aug 15, 2011)

Lyn said:


> He refuses counseling. Does he say WHY? My feeling is that if he truly does love you, he will be very concerned over your deep unhappiness and anxious to keep you. Does he know how desperately unhappy you are?
> 
> If it were me, I would tell him how close he is to being alone and that if he did love me, he would SHOW ME by going to counselling with me and to a doctor, becasue tghe fact seems to be that you are not willing to live in suspended animation forever.
> 
> ...


I have told him repeatedly how unhappy I am. I have told him that if it doesn't change then we need to go our separate ways. He refuses couseling because "we don't need someone else involved." I have told him what he needs to do, and keep asking for it. I have asked him to see a doctor about the sex problem and he keeps telling me he is going to, but never does. I even made the appointment for him. He went to the doc but didn' discuss the problem. 

He knows how unhappy I am. I have started sleeping on the couch because the crying keeps him awake.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

A friend of mine says "people treat us as we teach them to treat us". Right now, you're teaching your husband that he can ignore your needs and concerns, because you won't do anything about it.

Something to think about...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't think any one should stay in a sexless, passionless, lonely marriage. I couldn't think of anything worse. 

I think you are lucky you don't have children.

Move on from him, you have given him ample opportunity to help improve the marriage.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

The fact that he is so detached could mean he is having an affair. At any rate, he seems to have made his decision: do nothing and let you suffer, alone. Doesn't seem like a very loving attitude to me, it seems like he has not true interest in the welfare of this marriage. 

I would get some counseling for yourself to help you make sound decisions as you work through this.

Best,

L


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## nolongerlove (Aug 15, 2011)

PBear said:


> A friend of mine says "people treat us as we teach them to treat us". Right now, you're teaching your husband that he can ignore your needs and concerns, because you won't do anything about it.
> 
> Something to think about...
> 
> ...


I understand that. However, have you read about the year's worth of trying I have done? You cannot make someone change if they are completely unwilling. I used to think he was willing, but now I know he is not.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My point is that you've been trying, and you've kept putting up with his half-hearted changes. So what you've taught him is that you're not serious about how important this is to you. That he can just make some noise about changing, and you'll leave him alone for awhile. That you don't mean your threats and ultimatums, so he can ignore them.

I fully agree that you can't change someone if they're unwilling to change. Even more to the point, they can't just be WILLING to change, they have to WANT to change. Your husband hasn't reached that point because he hasn't had a big enough impact on his life to make change worthwhile. If you're not important enough to him, even your leaving him might not be a big enough impact. But if you've tried everything else, you have two choices. Get used to things the way they are, or make a change for yourself, like leaving him.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alaskagirl (Aug 16, 2011)

Hi, I feel like we have very similar marriage issues. Your struggles must have started soon after you said I DO. My relationship with my husband changed after we got married. It seemed to me that instead of a wife he was looking for a mother figure. Im 6years older than he and in fact all his serious relationships have been with older women. He tells me he loves me but really it feels like he's saying I love you, I'm just not in love with you.

He's gone to counselling, he never wants me to go with. The doc also tested for and found low testosterone and that was corrected but we still have zero intimacy. 

I do things with him and encourage him to do the things he enjoys but when I'd ask him to follow through on the promise of a vacation he'd always say money was a problem. He recently bought himself a boat so money wasnt really the issue. 

He only promises to change when I'm at my breaking point but the change only lasts a short while and then he's back to the same old stuff. I have come to realize I'm not the girl for him. Its hard to move on, but I am so unhappy all the time now. I'm not even attracted to him anymore because he's cut me off for so long. My decision is to separate/divorce. Only you know what your heart wants and needs. It seems you've tried and have communicated your needs to him and still things havent changed.

Marriage is hard. Knowing when to call it quits is even harder.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What does that mean 'promises to change'? What's your commitment to change? Is it just about his disobedience?


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## alaskagirl (Aug 16, 2011)

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "his disobedience" but my husband isnt subservient to me. I have been wanting and desiring change but one person cant do it. It takes two ppl. So i guess my commitment to change is now to remove myself from a harmful relationship.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That was my only question. It seemed to me you had a great deal of expectation he would make most if not all the changes.


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## nolongerlove (Aug 15, 2011)

Alaska - 

Thanks for your kind words. It seems like you know exactly what I'm going through. Best of luck to you.


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## HardToPronounce (Sep 7, 2011)

I have been reading many posts in this section because my wife of 2 years has separated from me over a month ago, and I have been trying to gain a perspective by reading this forum.

Your situation, NoLongerLove, is similar in some ways to mine, so I feel compelled to respond to you. I will not get into many details about my situation, as this is about your relationship. My wife left "to figure things out", after over 6 months of MC. 

The similarities lie in some of the things you have written which may be contributing to your desire to leave. My wife would often say things that were "all or nothing", like you stated in your first post: "We don't have anything to talk about", "I do almost everything on my own because we can't agree ...". Perhaps these are actually happening the way you say they are, however, when I heard these from my wife (not exactly the same ones you wrote), I was able to show her using examples from the past days, and weeks, that this was her perception, but in fact she glossed over many things that went against what she said. I did this to explain that there was something else, bigger, that was bugging her, and I wanted to get to the bottom of that. It helped us not dwell on the small things, so we could get to the bigger things on her mind.

Back to you: you have written about some things that are big issues: very low interest in improving your relationship through counselling and a doctor AND that he has let things get so bad that you are sleeping and crying on the couch. The changing interests in music and movies are, IMO, not worth breaking up over, but the other reasons I just listed are major, as they will just get worse and cause bigger problems. 

How similar is he behaving to the guy you met, dated, and then married 2 years ago? Please check with friends to verify. If he was much more attentive before, I reckon he might have unresolved feelings directed to you. But the only way any of this will come out, is if he agrees to MC. Putting your foot down about this is imperative. Threatening separation, calmly and lovingly, seems one route to get him to join you. I hope that's a wake up call for him.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

If he isn't having sex with you...he is MOST likely having sex somewhere with someone else.
If he won't get a diagnosis by a physician for low testosterone......one you see on official paper.....just assume no matter how sure you are otherwise he is having sex with someone else.

Snoop? Maybe you will fine some clues? He has secrets. You need to find those out.

Then decide your next steps.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You have asked him several times about seeing a doc. etc. Stop asking and set a specific time or even make an appointment for him and tell him if he doesn't go you will have to move on. Give him a definitive set of goals and consequences. I'm not big on ultimatums but sometimes its whats required.

Good luck


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

nolongerlove said:


> I have told him repeatedly how unhappy I am. I have told him that if it doesn't change then we need to go our separate ways.


Sounds like you've been very clear with him and nothing has changed. So why are you still there? What are you wanting to hear from him or us before you take action?


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

> I don't think any one should stay in a sexless, passionless, lonely marriage. I couldn't think of anything worse.


This is very true. Life is TOO short!


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