# I need help.



## D GEE

15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me. My cousin (Toni) and I used to love to go out dancing. Our husbands were not interested in the dance club scene, so it was not at all unusual for me and Toni to get together without our hubbies on a Saturday night and hit a few dance clubs. Although we would always get “hit-on” by guys at the clubs, neither one of us had any intent but to have a good time dancing. We both were usually very good at minimizing our alcohol consumption, but one night we both felt that we were just a little too drunk to drive so we decided to call a cab for a ride home. Prior to the cab arriving we ran into two guy friends that I had gone to high school with. (Tom and Jim) I introduced them to Toni, and we began chatting. When we told them that we had called a cab, they offered to give us a ride home. Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times. We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. A couple days later I found Toms phone number in the phone book and called him to explain that what happened was a horrible mistake. And I begged him to get in touch with Jim and to forget the night ever happened. I never saw or heard from either one of them since that night. I also called my cousin Toni and told her about the whole thing. That was the last time I ever discussed it. Unfortunately, Toni told her husband Eric every detail of that evening. Including their names. It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.

15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days. My husband keeps begging me to go to the doctor. I no longer trust my cousin’s support on anything. I need good advice. I love my husband and don’t want to break this marriage up. However if he finds out about that night, I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I deny that it happened. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve never used an on-line forum for advise before, but I don’t know what to do. What should I do?


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## My_2nd_Rodeo

Not sure what you should do, but my wife had a threesome (2 guys) before I ever met her. In spite of it being before me, it still messed with my head. Have no doubt, the truth is going to hurt your husband tremendously.


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## Ikaika

I will give some warning and don't take this wrong you are about to hear a lot of responses some hurtful and some not. Don't leave after being barraged with a plethora of responses. Your task is to seriously consider all the advice, most of which will be good and use it wisely. 

My simple advice, tell your H everything now about that night. Do not leave out a single detail. better you than Eric. Oh and don't hide under the cover of being inebriated. It's sounds pathetic and alcohol did not make you cheat.


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## gemjo

drerio said:


> I will give some warning and don't take this wrong you are about to hear a lot of responses some hurtful and some not. Don't leave after being barraged with a plethora of responses. Your task is seriously consider all the advice, most of which will be good and use it wisely.
> 
> My simple advice, tell your H everything now about that night. Do not leave out single detail. better you than Eric. Oh and don't hide under the cover of being inebriated. It's sounds pathetic and alcohol did not make you cheat.


:iagree: the truth will out in the end...better to come from you.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo

Your cousin also screwed over your husband by enabling the evening and hiding the secret.

On the plus side, his "friend" also hid the secret... or does he only know Eric a little bit?

Hence, your husband is going to feel betrayed on multiple fronts.


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## costa200

Do what you should have done 15 years ago and tell your husband. Sooner or later he will get news of this and it's better you do it. You owe him at least that, since you forced the guy into the chump role for those 15 years.


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## walkonmars

Tell himTODAY. If you continued to go dancing without your husband he will have serious and understanable doubts about it being only one night. 

What did you do to prevent that from ever happening again? If you took positive steps be sure to include them in your confession. 

Be honest and tell him why you had to disclose this secret now.


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## CH

1 man is probably forgivable..

But a 3 some with 2 guys.......I don't even know how you're going to talk your way out of that one.

So your marriage is 15 years based on a foundation of a huge lie. Well, that's how your husband is going to see it, nothing but a big lie the entire 15 years. Huge hurdle for you to overcome.

I can also see in those 15 years, it doesn't look like you've suffered much in terms of regret, it's the past and forgotten. We must be cut from the same cloth, water off a duck's back motto. Only when faced with the problem, we like to run off and hide instead of facing it. Wow, we really are cut from the same cloth.

Time to face your demon instead of hiding like a coward. Sometimes you gotta pay the price for your mistakes. Those that go take full responsibility and pay for them start to turn their lives around eventually. Those that keep on hiding and running, well they don't amount to much in the end.

Maybe you should have begged your husband 15 years ago to forgive you if you were that remorseful.

Sorry to be harsh but it's still all about you, so you don't get much sympathy from me.


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## walkonmars

Oh, leave out the craapp about how "polite" these pigs were - he won't be impressed - although apparently you were.


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## sharkeey

drerio said:


> My simple advice, tell your H everything now about that night. Do not leave out single detail. better you than Eric. Oh and don't hide under the cover of being inebriated. It's sounds pathetic and alcohol did not make you cheat.


I agree with most of your advice but I wouldn't downplay the alcohol completely, no doubt it did cloud your judgement to some extent and while it's no excuse it definitely is a factor.

You gotta tell him and let the chips fall where they may.

Maybe find some solace in knowing that your fate is already decided based on your husbands personality, character, that sort of thing. Either he'll forgive you or divorce you, but it doesn't change what you have to do next, which is to tell him.

Also I don't know how much detail you need to provide, I'd sort of tell him what happened and then if he wants the blanks filled in then give it to him.

You're probably going to have to tell him why you're giving this up now, because if you don't and the troublemaker exhusband tells him, then it's another big hit of deception.


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## Ikaika

So let me approach this as an oncologist might approach cancer treatment. If you allow Eric to tell your H, you will look like a cheat and a liar. At that point there is a 99.9% chance your marriage will be over. If you tell him everything NOW, you are just a cheater and there is a 90% probability that your marriage will be over. If you add the excuse that these were nice guys that will bring your failure probability up to 93%. Add in the alcohol as an excuse and your marriage has a 95% chance of failing. Reality, I am just making these numbers up, but you need to get the gist of my relative argument. 

I'm sure, the way you describe Eric, he will out you. So choose your probability.


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## CH

I just hope she doesn't do something stupid to try and cover this incident up. People in her position can be easily manipulated and with the cousin's STBXH holding alot of the cards, she could make a huge mistake even bigger.


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## Ikaika

CH said:


> I just hope she doesn't do something stupid to try and cover this incident up. People in her position can be easily manipulated and with the cousin's STBXH holding alot of the cards, she could make a huge mistake even bigger.


None of us can hold her hand... Probably for the first time she has to make an adult decision. Basing on what she initially posted she may have been trying find a sliver hope that this would just go away or as you suggest find a way to cover it up. 

D GEE, I hope you are still listening. We don't know the totality of your life but you need to come clean. I will be honest I hope your marriage can survive, but the road ahead will be very very hard.


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## donny64

My guess is you're trying to calculate the chances this guy will actually tell your husband.

Well, he's got a drinking problem, is abusive, pissed off, and sees you as a potential roadblock to reconciling with his wife. Not a good combination.

The fact this was 15 years ago will likely not soften the blow to your husband. He's going to spend a great deal of time wondering how many other times you'd done this, as well as feeling like a total chump for the past 15 years for not knowing, being lied to, and devoting himself to a woman he did not know.

I couldn't imagine what the chances are he'd forgive you, but I imagine they're considerably less if he finds out from someone else.


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## sharkeey

Maybe you can reverse blackmail the guy.

Tell him if he tells hubby you call the cops on him for being abusive to you and your friend and you'll throw in extra stuff that he supposedly did when he was tearing up the house including possibly sexually assaulting you.

This is war, and you can't pull any punches.


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## Will_Kane

How likely that your husband will run into Eric in the future?

How long have you been married?

Any kids? If so, what ages? 

How happy would you say your husband is with you at this point in time?

How was your sex life with him back when you cheated? How about now?

Has your husband ever questioned your fidelity?

Did you continue to go out "dancing" with your cousing Toni after that incident?

Any other skeletons in your closet?


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## CH

sharkeey said:


> Maybe you can reverse blackmail the guy.
> 
> Tell him if he tells hubby you call the cops on him for being abusive to you and your friend and you'll throw in extra stuff that he supposedly did when he was tearing up the house including possibly sexually assaulting you.
> 
> This is war, and you can't pull any punches.


Wow, trying to blackmail an alcoholic. You're not going to win that battle. Plus making things up, how about telling the truth.

Purger myself to save my own ass, great idea. Maybe even get a short trip in jail and alot of time doing community service. Then comes the lawsuit for defamation of character. Oh, her husband will like that alot, now he's going to have to pay $$ to an alcoholic for a lie on top of the infidelity.

Great advice.

Stick to the truth.


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## warlock07

> I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I deny that it happened


So the lying and cheating never stops, huh ? Your first instinct is to lie ?

You are every guy's worst nightmare. Horrible relationship material.

You are much worse of a spouse than Eric. get off your high horse


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## sharkeey

Or, just keep quiet and if hubby says "Some guy called and told me that you did two guys in a threesome 15 years ago!" you could say "I told you about this and we agreed to just forget about it" and hope that he buys it.


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## warlock07

sharkeey said:


> Maybe you can reverse blackmail the guy.
> 
> Tell him if he tells hubby you call the cops on him for being abusive to you and your friend and you'll throw in extra stuff that he supposedly did when he was tearing up the house including possibly sexually assaulting you.
> 
> This is war, and you can't pull any punches.


Woman who file false rape are worse than scum. They deny credibility to original rape victims. You should be ashamed to suggest this.


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## warlock07

sharkeey said:


> Or, just keep quiet and if hubby says "Some guy called and told me that you did two guys in a threesome 15 years ago!" you could say "I told you about this and we agreed to just forget about it" and hope that he buys it.


What the hell is wrong with you ?


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## sharkeey

warlock07 said:


> Woman who file false rape are worse than scum. They deny credibility to original rape victims. You should be ashamed to suggest this.


The guy is an abusive drunk who threatened to tell her husband about a 15 year old affair which could ruin his marriage.

The gloves are off!

He deserves any retribution headed his way.


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## A++

D GEE said:


> However if he finds out about that night, I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I *deny *that it happened.


Oh really? again? 
Ne fais plus ça!


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## sharkeey

warlock07 said:


> What the hell is wrong with you ?


My back is a bit sore from falling off a horse a few weeks ago, I've got about 15 lbs too much in the midsection, my penis is bent like a banana (but still works ok), and I get somewhat anxious and a bit depressed from time to time for no good reason.

Not sure how that's relevant here though.


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## warlock07

Do not argue with an idiot they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience

Good day


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## CH

sharkeey said:


> Or, just keep quiet and if hubby says "Some guy called and told me that you did two guys in a threesome 15 years ago!" you could say "I told you about this and we agreed to just forget about it" and hope that he buys it.


You're serious about this one also aren't you??........


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## donny64

warlock07 said:


> Woman who file false rape are worse than scum. They deny credibility to original rape victims. You should be ashamed to suggest this.


Not only that, they ruin completely innocent mens lives. Seen it happen many a time both professionally, and just had my young son accused of such a thing (thankfully it never got legal, but it was not without carefully pulling the truth and evidence out of her bit by bit during a very stressful week of effort) not long ago because she wanted to put blame on anyone but herself for a one night drunken screw. Told her boyfriend and father a completely false story of what happened. My boy was headed for an azz kicking and jail because she would not accept responsibility for what she willfully did. Only after we eeked enough evidence out of her via texts to show it was HER idea did she come clean with a couple very pizzed off guys. She did not seem to care about the trouble it could have caused for my son. She just wanted off the hook.

There are plenty of women out there who will attempt to cover up their own indiscretions by blaming it on men. By taking the "men are sexual predators" road. By believing they'll be believed because they're female. 

They're scum, and when discovered should be branded for life as a warning to both women who'd do the same, and to men who may cross their path.


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## D GEE

We've been married 23 years.
3 kids (23,20,16)
I stopped going out with Toni (or anyone else) immediately.
But I just don't think that telling him everything will help.
I feel like it would only help me, and that would be selfish.


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## Ikaika

D GEE said:


> We've been married 23 years.
> 3 kids (23,20,16)
> I stopped going out with Toni (or anyone else) immediately.
> But I just don't think that telling him everything will help.
> I feel like it would only help me, and that would be selfish.


And, what if Eric tells him every detail... Maybe he is creative and invents more 'truth' beyond what is already true. Really that is that what you want?


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## sharkeey

If he finds out and confronts you, maybe you could say "Yes I did it but that's only because you cheated on me!"

At which point, if he ever did in fact cheat on you he could say "Ok, we're even, let's just forget any of this ever happened". If he never did cheat on you he will say something like "What the heck are you talking about, I never cheated, I never would cheat on you, I love and respect you and your marriage and the thought never even entered my mind!" at which point you could say "Sorry I thought you did, never mind it won't happen again". Then give him great sex and hope it blows over.


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## itom72

sharkeey said:


> If he finds out and confronts you, maybe you could say "Yes I did it but that's only because you cheated on me!"
> 
> At which point, if he ever did in fact cheat on you he could say "Ok, we're even, let's just forget any of this ever happened". If he never did cheat on you he will say something like "What the heck are you talking about, I never cheated, I never would cheat on you, I love and respect you and your marriage and the thought never even entered my mind!" at which point you could say "Sorry I thought you did, never mind it won't happen again". Then give him great sex and hope it blows over.


Hey Sharkeey...

Your friends on doccool.com miss you.


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## Shaggy

When Eric tells your husband the truth you will find your marriage most certainly has ended. Because not only did you betray your husband in a horrible evil way 15 years ago , you and your cousin and Eric have betrayed him every day since by lying to him.

Your ONLY chance here is to come completely clean with your husband now, before Erik tells the truth to him. It will be much better coming from you than Eric.

You will need to get a polygraph to prove to your husband that this was the only time, because he isn't just going to believe you.

Also you can't even begin to know how emasculated this is going to make your husband feel. Not only did his wife cheat, but she pulled two guys that night, and she did it willingly by choice. Then she came home and lied to him for 15 years about it. Everyone around him knew that he was less of a man than you wanted , and he's lived the last 15 years as a cuckolded idiot.

Imagine, if he not only cheated but cheated with two girls.

Your choice to cheat and pull those guys 15 years ago is finally coming out. The truth is coming out, and if you have any love at all for your husband you will help him through the massive pain you chose to cause him.

My advice is get a polygraph to prove it was only once.
Then tell him and tell him the full truth,including the met hurtful things like how much more you appeared to have enjoyed them than him. I say that, because even now you write about the experience with such nice positive descriptive words its very clear you don't regret it, and you view it as the best sex you ever had. Which of course further humiliates your husband,

If what I write bothers you, realize that the above us what will be going through your husbands mind. He will be tortured with images of you bring used by the two guys, about you begging for more, and about you dreaming for them every time since then that you had sex with him. 

You forever changed who you are when you made your choice.

Your husband has a right to know what you chose to do to him 15 years ago. There is no statute of limitations on the right to know the truth.

Please be honest with him. Further betrayal with more lies will hurt him even more. You owe him that much. You may not have loved him, and I say that because if you did love him you couldn't have chose what you did, but hopefully the last 15 years of him being faithful to you has earned him some kindness and carrying from you, so please help him through this.


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## Shaggy

D GEE said:


> We've been married 23 years.
> 3 kids (23,20,16)
> I stopped going out with Toni (or anyone else) immediately.
> But I just don't think that telling him everything will help.
> I feel like it would only help me, and that would be selfish.



So you were a mom with 3 little kids when you cheated with the two guys!

If it was 15 years ago, he is going to do some math and rightfully question if the youngest is his.

It's time to finally tell your husband the truth. He has been living in a lie for 15 years.


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## alte Dame

This is a lose-lose-lose situation. Which way you lose and what it does to your life depends on what kind of human being you are. Either:

- You come clean and your H divorces you. We all see how that is a loss for you.

- You come clean and your H decides he will reconcile. We all see how that is a loss for him.

- You don't come clean and live a lie and in fear that your H will discover the truth one day. This is a loss for you primarily if you have an honorable side to you that will suffer from continuing to dupe your H.

I'm in the camp that thinks that once your H absorbs the shock and outrage about the threesome, it's the fact that this is a 15-yo betrayal that will bite the most.

I'm sorry. I actually find this very sad.

I advise telling your H, finally, the truth about that night. I somehow think that you will not do that.


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## theroad

D GEE said:


> We've been married 23 years.
> 3 kids (23,20,16)
> I stopped going out with Toni (or anyone else) immediately.
> But I just don't think that telling him everything will help.
> I feel like it would only help me, and that would be selfish.


So do still think girl's nights out's are ok for married women?

This is why the truth needs to be told as close to when an affair happens.

Better for a remorseful WW to confess to her BH then for some guy that he knows to tell the BH that his WW had ab affair banging her OM/OM's.

Also by waiting will make the BH say his whole life was a waste because his WW made hime live a lie for all these years.

Better to of confess back then. Say your BH was 35 back then. That means he is now 50. 15 years has passed and he'd would have left this in the past a long time ago.

Now he has his dday at 50 he won't be where he should be till he reaches 65.

If you love your BH tell him now. Tell him the whole truth. Don't pretend and say I don't remember. Don't lie to protect him or yourself. These things are a must for your BH to want to save the marriage.


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## warlock07

Your marriage lasted 15 years longer than it had to.


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## mel123

As painful as it may be, you need to tell him.You need to confess and get the truth out, for him and your own mental health.

Its going to be harder for him, if he hears it from someone else. He is going to feel like your marriage for the last 15 years has been a lie.

If you have any chance at R you need to be open and honest as you can be, don't : trickle-truth, rug sweep or minimize anything. 

The vast majority of BS want to know. To cheat is bad but to not tell or lie by omission makes it worse.Now the BS not only has a W that has cheated but one that is dishonest also.

I had an uncle who had a ONS when he was in his thirties 40 YEARS later his secret came out through his Sis-in-law (who was mad and knew of the A) and told the family. It caused a lot of turmoil in the family and he died a few months later of a massive hear attack ( True Story)

A few months ago in the news it was reported a ninety-year old man D his W, because he found love-letters his wife had and that she had an A during WW2. 60+ YEARS ago


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## 3putt

Shaggy said:


> So you were a mom with 3 little kids when you cheated with the two guys!
> 
> If it was 15 years ago, he is going to do some math and rightfully question if the youngest is his.
> 
> It's time to finally tell your husband the truth. He has been living in a lie for 15 years.


I saw this and it raised the same eyebrow as yours. Grown married woman going out drinking alone with a GF, and then decides to have a 3-some (and blame it on alcohol) with some wonderfully spectacular guys on a whim.

And now you're trying to figure a way to get out of this?

One question:

Has it ever occurred to you to be completely honest, regardless of the consequences?

Ever? 

Or do you really like living a life of smoke and mirrors?

You really should consider the path you have chosen and do something to correct it before someone else does it for you...if for no one else but yourself.

Just a thought.


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## Remains

D GEE, call that man's bluff! If you have never done anything like this before or since then just tell him to go f*ck himself. Be cool, be calm, be not bothered. Treat it like he is making it up and stick to it. I am giving advice on the premise that this was a one off incident and has never been repeated nor desired nor anything. if you have cheated periodically over the 15 years then my advice is wholely different and the same as all above posters.

I am a Betrayed. I would ALWAYS advise the truth. But in this case, I would never advise something that has been a complete anomoly in your life, dead and buried for 15 years and never to be repeated, to now cause total mayhem and destruction upon you and all you hold close and dear, and more importantly, all who hold you close and dear.

This man sounds like a loose cannon. And there is no way he 'chatted' to one of the men and he gave out all the details. It could have happened, but it is unlikely. He is most likely making it up to unsettle you. It could be true, but right now you need to formulate a plan. 

He will not be believed if you can create some reason that he would hate you enough to tell this about you (I hate liars with a passion BTW. I cannot lie. I am honest to the n'th degree, and honesty is the only thing I hold above all else. But occasionally, rarely, lying is a survival necessity and I think given the circumstances, on the basis of one time only, you need to protect you and your family). But you cannot use anything to do with sex against him like a previous poster suggested. That could bring in all kinds of legal ramifications. Or revenge attacks from your husband to him. 

Look, you behaved like a total ****, for a moment in time, and you must fix this and hold yourself together without ruining all around you. If using your cousin's husband's stupidity and self destruction against him is what it takes, that is what you need to do. Possible reasons? He never liked you; he is pissed because your cousin left him and is taking it out on everyone; he fancied you and is now trying to break you and hubby up; whatever! Whichever story you use, stick to it and make sure cousin's hubby cannot manipulate it.

But, and do not take this 'but' lightly, if it becomes a difficult lie to tell, if your hubby becomes more suspicious, if the questioning arises from your hubby and he doesn't accept your damage limitation....you HAVE to come clean. On everything that he asks. And when you come clean, do everything you can to help him get over it if that is what he wants. Come back here and get advice on what to do next, what to do to help your husband, and yet to do to help you.

I wish you the best of luck. Don't panic!


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## 3putt

mel123 said:


> As painful as it may be, you need to tell him.You need to confess and get the truth out, for him and your own mental health.
> 
> Its going to be harder for him, if he hears it from someone else. He is going to feel like your marriage for the last 15 years has been a lie.
> 
> If you have any chance at R you need to be open and honest as you can be, don't : trickle-truth, rug sweep or minimize anything.
> 
> The vast majority of BS want to know. To cheat is bad but to not tell or lie by omission makes it worse.Now the BS not only has a W that has cheated but one that is dishonest also.
> 
> I had an uncle who had a ONS when he was in his thirties 40 YEARS later his secret came out through his Sis-in-law (who was mad and knew of the A) and told the family. It caused a lot of turmoil in the family and he died a few months later of a massive hear attack ( True Story)
> 
> A few months ago in the news it was reported a ninety-year old man D his W, because he found love-letters his wife had and that she had an A during WW2. 60+ YEARS ago


I read that story as well, and they were both actually 99 years of age. I believe it was a British couple, but could be wrong.

Infidelity has no statute of limitations for the unknowing betrayed spouse.


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## alte Dame

mel123 said:


> A few months ago in the news it was reported a ninety-year old man D his W, because he found love-letters his wife had and that she had an A during WW2. 60+ YEARS ago


Yes, it never fails to sting.

Another similar story was the 92 yo who D'd his wife of 70 years, who apparently had cheated when they were in their twenties & he agreed to reconcile. When the judge asked him why he would divorce after so many decades, he said:

"Enough is enough."


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## D GEE

I regretted it the moment I sobered up. And I have regretted it every day since then.


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## Tony55

This is a tough one.

I suppose I'll be tarred and feathered for this response, but this is one of those situations where you can't make matters better, only worse. So, my advice is based on compassion for your husband, not for you.

*I wouldn't say a thing.*

Regardless of who tells your husband, you or this other guy, it's all going to play out the same, your husbands life will be crushed, his heart destroyed, and your marriage finished. If you tell him, he'll know you only told him because you thought someone else was going to bust you out, and if the other guy tells him, you'll end up saying you struggled the past month with whether to tell him or not... what difference is it all going to make. None.

Keep quiet, suffer your own guilt on your own, don't drag your husband down with you. If you want to some day tell him, do so, but don't do it because your back is to the wall, do it because you know it's time to do the right thing and come clean. 

What you're feeling right now, this is your suffering, this is the karma, it's the payment for your sin (and I don't mean that religiously). You will live with this uncertainty for a long time, you never know when someone will tell your husband, this is *your* hell, own it, don't ask your husband to take a bite of the apple, leave him alone, let him enjoy his life, his kids, the next graduation, don't drag your husband down with you.

If you were actively in an affair, I would say come clean and set your husband free, but you're not, it was 15 years ago, and assuming this was a one time thing (I have no way of knowing), then learn your lesson and do everything you can to make the rest of your husbands life the best that you can.

T


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## staystrong

*I agree with Tony55.*

There is no easy answer. It was 15 years ago and you've managed a marriage with that in the background. So maybe it can continue. 

Part of me thinks Don't tell him and take the secret to your grave. If Eric does not tell him, eventually this crisis will fade and you will shoulder the burden again. As a recent BS, I think it's better to probably better to spare him of the pain of betrayal than to let the truth be known. 

If Eric tells him, just tell your H you were ashamed, weak and you didn't want to hurt him. Then beg for forgiveness and he may accept.


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## Ikaika

D GEE said:


> I regretted it the moment I sobered up. And I have regretted it every day since then.


Not good enough! You need to do this before Eric does. There is a good chance if he feels any animosity toward your family, you will lose the bluff. 

BTW, those two guys were not nice guys... I am assuming they knew you were married. I don't care if they asked you if it was Ok... They made a poor choice along with you.

You finally have the opportunity to do the right thing.


----------



## Shaggy

I bet hubbies radar is currently going off, and his gut is saying there is something going on with you. And your even now probably being stressed and stand offish from you husband.

See, you may think you've hidden the truth and it hasn't hurt your marriage, but even right now hen you husband does not know, it is already affecting him and his life.


----------



## Tony55

Remains said:


> But, and do not take this 'but' lightly, if it becomes a difficult lie to tell, if your hubby becomes more suspicious, if the questioning arises from your hubby and he doesn't accept your damage limitation....you HAVE to come clean. On everything that he asks. And when you come clean, do everything you can to help him get over it if that is what he wants. Come back here and get advice on what to do next, what to do to help your husband, and yet to do to help you.


Excellent post Remains, and I particularly like that last paragraph.

T


----------



## Shaggy

D GEE said:


> I regretted it the moment I sobered up. And I have regretted it every day since then.


Then why do you call the scumbags you cheated with nice guys, and why do you write about the sex with such fondness.

These are two guys who happily had sex with a drunk married mom of three they picked up at a bar at closing. What kind of scumbag does that? They are not nice guys, they a slime balls. 

You must realize they've told any other guys about the drunk easy chick they both banged and then dropped her of at her husbands place after they got done with her that night.

You must realize these guys think of you in the most horrible cheap way for what you agreed to do with them.

Even now 15 years later they love to tell all the details if everything you did with them to anyone who asks.

So even if Erik doesn't tell your husband, word just might get to him eventually of what you did because these guys are talking proudly of the chick they banged in a three way.

And now that Eric has reminded them of the night, and no doubt told them you are still around, expect these guys to be telling their buddies and maybe now wives.

You really need to come clean, because eventually the truth always comes out,


----------



## 3putt

staystrong said:


> *I agree with Tony55.*
> 
> Part of me thinks Don't tell him and take the secret to your grave. If Eric does not tell him, eventually this crisis will fade and you will shoulder the burden again. As a recent BS, I think it's better to probably better to spare him of the pain of betrayal than to let the truth be known.
> 
> If Eric tells him, just tell your H you were ashamed, weak and you didn't want to hurt him. Then beg for forgiveness and he may accept.


With all due respect, I disagree with this completely. This has come to a point that it's not all about what was done, but the lack of honesty that has kept it undercover for 15 years. Infidelity is terrible enough, but the accompanying lies are BRUTAL! She has lived nothing but a life of lies in a house of cards. How she has slept peacefully all these years is beyond me. She must have known that sooner or later this would come to a head, especially when she chose to confide in whatever her name is.

If you're going to commit a crime, tell no one. But, I choose not to commit the crime, because there WILL come a time when you look back on your life and decisions, and pass judgment on yourself.

D Gee, I'm not saying this to put you down, but to implore you to start living your life the right way. You've obviously been dishonest with your BS and your family for quite some time, but the biggest regret you'll ever have will be that you have lied to yourself for most of your married life. I suspect you've been having these regrets and feelings for the better part of a decade and a half. Must be one helluva burden to carry all these years.

Regardless of the consequences, after all this time I would be relieved to unload that weight.

No matter what.


----------



## walkonmars

"oh what a tangled web we weave..."

In a few years your cousin will reconcille with eric. Eric goes to AA. Together they decide to come clean. What then?

In a few years you and your cousin have a falling out - she outs you. What then?

In either of these scenarios your H had chosen to believe you today only to find out then he was betrayed AND deceived. 

Theres just too many ways this can come back in spades. Your marriage might stand the truth if you lay it out today - it WON'T if you deny today only to be exposed as a liar later.


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## denisefire

I would think in my book , i would tell him. The fear will be eliminated of being outed by someone else. That would be the first step. I know it is hard , because you don't want to lose him. I assume you don't because your still with him. If he loves you , and your marriage is strong enough it will survive the storm, but you need to be completely honest with him. I am sure he has made mistakes in the past, everyone has skeletons in their closet. It was wrong what you did, but if you have dedicated your life to your marriage and family if you have kids , is prove in the pudding that you do love him, chances are 50/50 he will forgive you. both of you may need councilling but if you want a shot at saving your marriage, come clean. Hope it helps in your deciding what to do.


----------



## Ikaika

D GEE

I know you have heard some hard words, but I think your replies and lack thereof rings loud as to what you have decided. Regardless of what you think of me, I really hope your marriage can survive. I am pro-marriage, but that marriage has to be built on trust. You already violated that once and would appear you are going to do it again. 

I would not take a gamble on either Eric or even your cousin. I wish you the best.


----------



## warlock07

It is 10000X times better if he hears from you.

The lesser of evils


----------



## Tony55

D Gee, let me ask you this, are you telling us everything? Is there anything else you're worried will come out but reluctant to mention it here? A more recent infidelity? If so, you might as well get it out now. We all know how serious your situation is, most everyone here were either betrayed or, a small few, the betrayer, nothing shocks us. Are all your cards on the table?

T


----------



## mel123

Good question Tony55, I was wondering the same thing



Tony55 said:


> D Gee, let me ask you this, are you telling us everything? Is there anything else you're worried will come out but reluctant to mention it here? A more recent infidelity? If so, you might as well get it out now. We all know how serious your situation is, most everyone here were either betrayed or, a small few, the betrayer, nothing shocks us. Are all your cards on the table? T


D gee, like Tony said "nothing will shock the posters here". You are anonymous on TAM don't be hesitate to put .. "all your cards on the table" ...

Sometimes posters come across a little harsh, but you can rest assured that 99% wants the best possible outcome for you and you H and kids........there is a lot of experience here


----------



## Malaise

2asdf2 said:


> Several people asked but you did not respond.
> 
> What else, major or minor, are you hiding from him?
> 
> What other surprises has he got from you already?


Correct

If I hear this from Eric I will automativally assume there is more to be told about other affairs. That's assured. The 'tip of the proverbial iceberg'

If I hear this from you...I may believe that is the extent of it.
Maybe. That part (maybe) is NOT assured. At least you've told him yourself and that may count for something.


----------



## ItsGonnabeAlright

I did a lot of crazy stuff back in my day, though I'm still young. I always made sure I was SINGLE. Therefore, If I wanted a twosome, threesome, foursome, whatever, no one else was going to be affected by it other than myself. I can't say I cheated, but I did have fun.
I don't think your cousin betrayed you, she told her husband, who at the time she probably considered to be a friend. She didn't know he would turn out to be a jerk, and would leave her many years later.
Fifteen years is a long time ago, yes, your husband will be upset, or you can always say that your cousin's husband is such an angry, crazy drunk that he has made up an awful story about you to deflect the attention from his divorce, and you're worried about your husband leaving you over it and that's why you've been so sick.
Another option, just tell him what happened, but minimize it, say it was only one guy and you only made out or something. The rest was made up by your cousin's vengeful husband.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

I believe that this is a truthful and legitimate thread, posted by a real person describing a real situation.


----------



## larry.gray

D GEE said:


> 15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me.
> 
> -snip-
> 
> I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them.





D GEE said:


> 3 kids (23,20,16)


I sure hope that there isn't a span of about 9 months between those two events....

Your husband is going to be thinking that if he finds out.


----------



## AnnieAsh

larry.gray said:


> I sure hope that there isn't a span of about 9 months between those two events....
> 
> Your husband is going to be thinking that if he finds out.


If it was 15 years ago, her youngest would be 1 when it happened...


----------



## larry.gray

Whoops, thinking backwards there!


----------



## desahra

It sounds like you blame Toni for this coming up now. That isn't right or proper. You should be supporting her through this rough period of her life, regardless of its effects on your life. This was not Toni's fault.
If the truth is going to come out, it would be best coming from you. I would suggest giving him a much more bare-bones account than you gave here and keep the excuses (e.g., "I was drunk and stupid") to a minimum. Apologize for the action, apologize for keeping it from him, and let him feel how he feels about it. Accept whatever (reasonable) terms he has because of it. He has the right to say that it's a deal-breaker, he even has the right to say that he wants to keep tabs on you. If his terms of reconcilement are not acceptable, you can choose to leave.
Remember to take responsibility for this and ensure that it can never happen again.


----------



## skb

I swear! Women cannot go out with the GFs on a regular basis, have a few ****tails, and do a little dancing without eventually getting in trouble. But I promise you I would never be willing to give up my ”Girls Night Out.” It’s sacred. 

There is no doubt the H will hear about it. You might as well confess. But divulge as little as possible. I would guess you’ll likely divorce. The only thing going for you is the fact that it happened such a long time ago. Maybe you can prove your innocence since then. But as someone pointed out if you’re still doing Girls Night Out he’ll likely think you’ve been having other men the entire time. Good luck.


----------



## D GEE

First of all I'd like to say that I am appriciative of the majority of all your advice. I honestly feel a little better knowing I can at least "type" to someone who will listen.

ABSOLUTELY NO !!! All 3 of my children are my husbands. I AM ABSOLUTELY SURE OF THAT. They look like him, act like him, and adore him. I know for a fact that will never enter into his mind. And nothing improper has happened since that night. Toni and I stopped going out. I haven't been able to even look at other men since that night without feeling deceitfull. Six years ago a co-worker of mine started making very uncomfortable advances towards me at work. I told my husband about the situation and he had a heated face-to-face meeting with the guy. My husband told the guy and also our boss that he would do anything to protect our family. The guy was terminated shortly therafter.


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## happyman64

Darn D Gee

Your H sounds like a great guy that loves you and your family.

One thing in all these posts are true:

The truth always comes out!

And with your cousin divorcing Eric I think your secret will be out sooner rather than later.

My vote is to tell him. Remember he was betrayed by you, Toni and Eric not o emotion the two POSOM.

That sucks......

Good Luck


----------



## Will_Kane

D GEE said:


> First of all I'd like to say that I am appriciative of the majority of all your advice. I honestly feel a little better knowing I can at least "type" to someone who will listen.
> 
> ABSOLUTELY NO !!! All 3 of my children are my husbands. I AM ABSOLUTELY SURE OF THAT. They look like him, act like him, and adore him. I know for a fact that will never enter into his mind. And nothing improper has happened since that night. Toni and I stopped going out. I haven't been able to even look at other men since that night without feeling deceitfull. Six years ago a co-worker of mine started making very uncomfortable advances towards me at work. I told my husband about the situation and he had a heated face-to-face meeting with the guy. My husband told the guy and also our boss that he would do anything to protect our family. The guy was terminated shortly therafter.


Tell your husband. You already know the pros and cons of telling and not telling, you knew them before you posted here, and no one here has offered you any magic solution to avoid pain. This is going to be bad, real bad, no matter how you slice it.

You have gotten some good advice, though, about just taking the blame, don't try to blame it on your friend for telling her husband, don't blame it on her husband for threatening to tell on you, don't blame it on the alchohol, or anything else.

I think you should leave out any perception of yours that those guys are "nice" guys. First off, it is an incorrect perception on your part. Those guys had sex with a drunk married woman. Whether you willingly went along or not, whether you initiated it or not, they should not have done it even if you were sober, never mind the fact that they knew you were drunk. I assume that when you first met them in the bar that you told them or they already knew that you were married and had a child. So that makes them pretty low in my book. The fact that you seem to perceive them as nice guys now will be a big problem for your husband. And it is a wrong perception. Second off, a "nice" guy does not kiss and tell, even 15 years later.

So tell the truth to your husband but leave out the nice guy part.


----------



## warlock07

D GEE said:


> First of all I'd like to say that I am appriciative of the majority of all your advice. I honestly feel a little better knowing I can at least "type" to someone who will listen.
> 
> ABSOLUTELY NO !!! All 3 of my children are my husbands. I AM ABSOLUTELY SURE OF THAT. They look like him, act like him, and adore him. I know for a fact that will never enter into his mind. And nothing improper has happened since that night. Toni and I stopped going out. I haven't been able to even look at other men since that night without feeling deceitfull. Six years ago a co-worker of mine started making very uncomfortable advances towards me at work. I told my husband about the situation and he had a heated face-to-face meeting with the guy. My husband told the guy and also our boss that he would do anything to protect our family. The guy was terminated shortly therafter.



So what is the plan ?


----------



## SomedayDig

I understand some people advising not telling your husband because you haven't done anything wrong since and this was 15 years ago. I don't agree with that in the least. You HAVE done something wrong, and you've done something wrong every day for the last 5475 days since then. That is EVERY day you didn't come clean with your husband and have held in a horrible secret. Every day kissing him knowing in the back of you head what you had done.

You never gave your husband the opportunity to decide if he wanted to live with that information. Why? Because you are selfish and feared what you know the outcome would be, and quite possibly will be.

You need to have a night alone with your husband. You need to tell him it is not going to be easy. You need to tell him what you did and quite possibly what else you've done. I'm quite curious if this is an isolated incident only because you don't just start making out with a guy you knew from high school just for the hell of it. How long had you been on the prowl?


----------



## Tony55

Will_Kane said:


> I think you should leave out any perception of yours that those guys are "nice" guys.


I don' t think the OP was trying to say they were "nice"...
_"As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. *I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening.* We decided to go to Tom’s apartment."
_​I think she just wanted to mention that they weren't attacking her or forcing her.

T


----------



## sharkeey

Tony55 said:


> I don' t think the OP was trying to say they were "nice"...
> _"As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. *I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening.* We decided to go to Tom’s apartment."
> _​I think she just wanted to mention that they weren't attacking her or forcing her.
> 
> T


So cordial and friendly! If only all threesomes could be this way the world would be a better place.

"Honey would it be ok if me and Tom ejaculate on you at the same time? If not, we can do it separately or not at all, its completely up to you."


----------



## Tony55

sharkeey said:


> So cordial and friendly! If only all threesomes could be this way the world would be a better place.
> 
> "Honey would it be ok if me and Tom ejaculate on you at the same time? If not, we can do it separately or not at all, its completely up to you."


_"I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening."​_I took this part of her post as her *owning* what she did, rather than leave open to suggestion that the two guys might have been overly aggressively with her.

T


----------



## jnj express

IMHO---we are way past all of the whether she should tell him or not-------this whole thing has taken a turn toward her mental health

Where before her sub--conscious was giving her a hard time, and she had daily thoughts about her guilt, her guilt that was a slow growing cancer-----well good old evil eric, has changed all of that----her cancer has now gone to stage 4, and is a raging wildfire.

Every time the phone rings, or she looks at a social website, or e-mail, or possibly would have to meet and talk to another person---her body cringes, she has mental spasms----what must her anticipation be, as to waiting for her H., to return home, when he has gone out for whatever reason, possibly having been told what happened by another----she is driving herself---to the psych ward---and the way she is going now, daily vomiting, not eating, can't get out of bed---it won't take long

Her H, is soon enuff gonna figure out her problem is not being caused by a virus/bacteria---and he is gonna wanna know what is causing her to be in the state she is in

Evil Eric, doesn't have to say another word to anyone----DGee's, sub--conscious is doing his job for him, as I said, the only question is---how long before she either ends up in a Hosp, or sad to say even worse a possible suicide situation-----

There is only one way to stop what you are doing to yourself---to get rid of the cancer of guilt---that is to "out" yourself, and tell your H---the WHOLE TRUTH leave nothing out

All you can hope for as you go from your own personal nightmare---to the nuclear winter you will cast out on your family, is that when all is done, and out in the open, and somewhere down the line, your H will have enuff good memories, and some small amount of love left for you, to give you the 2ND CHANCE.

If you do not "out" yourself, the way you are going, there may be nothing left, for you to worry about---for your sub--conscious will have put you in the psych ward---in an unrepairable situation.


----------



## cabin fever

As a husband I'm not sure which would hurt worse
1. the fact you cheated
2. the fact you cheated by having a 3some
3. the fact you have lied about it for 15 years
4. Teh fact that he will find out from someone else. 

just my .02 but if you want your marriage to survive you will tell him. If not your marriage is built on a foundation of lies. 

Your decesion. good luck.


----------



## theroad

D GEE said:


> We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality.



When you tell your BH want happened don't make it sound as you did here. Where you made everything progressed so logical that the end was unavoidable.

Also I don't see the point of you pointing out to your BH how " I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening."

Yes tell your BH how much the total gentlemen these OM were as they banged your brains out.


----------



## D GEE

Although I sincerely regretted the fling from the moment I sobered, Toni says that I left her with the impression and that she told Eric that I totally enjoyed it when I told her about it. I know that’s a lie. I couldn’t stop telling her how horrible I felt. I don’t understand why she made a big deal about it to Eric. 
I can’t go thru another night without some kind of medicine. I don’t think I can make rational decisions moving forward until I calm down and get a grip. I made an appointment with my doctor today. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to even communicate with him. I couldn’t even get thru the phone conversation with the receptionist without sobbing and vomiting. I hope I can get thru this, and that he refers me to a quality therapist.


----------



## D GEE

I did not call them gentlemen. I was making the point that they were not FORCEING ME to do anything.


----------



## Ikaika

D GEE said:


> Although I sincerely regretted the fling from the moment I sobered, Toni says that I left her with the impression and that she told Eric that I totally enjoyed it when I told her about it. I know that’s a lie. I couldn’t stop telling her how horrible I felt. I don’t understand why she made a big deal about it to Eric.
> I can’t go thru another night without some kind of medicine. I don’t think I can make rational decisions moving forward until I calm down and get a grip. I made an appointment with my doctor today. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to even communicate with him. I couldn’t even get thru the phone conversation with the receptionist without sobbing and vomiting. I hope I can get thru this, and that he refers me to a quality therapist.


Exactly why you should not trust either of them to tell your H. You have been given my recommendation, I hope you make the right decision. Wish you the best and take care.


----------



## sharkeey

D GEE said:


> Although I sincerely regretted the fling from the moment I sobered, Toni says that I left her with the impression and that she told Eric that I totally enjoyed it when I told her about it.


Maybe when you told her the story initially you did express some guilty pleasure from the whole thing, I mean the fact of the matter is you did derive pleasure from it at the time, isn't that right?

Or maybe that's just how she remembers you telling it to her, maybe she's sort of embelishing it because it makes a better story when sharing it as gossip to her husband (and whoever else she may have told)

But so what. This isn't going to be a matter of hubby saying "ok you did it with those two guys, if you enjoyed it I'm gone but if you didn't like it then we can work this out".



D GEE said:


> I can’t go thru another night without some kind of medicine. I don’t think I can make rational decisions moving forward until I calm down and get a grip.


Well, another poster suggested that your current emotional state is going to tip off hubby that something is wrong.

After your last post it's obvious that you're struggling badly.

I don't think you're going to have a choice here. Hubby's going to ask you what's wrong- has he noticed your behavior as of late? - and you're just going to have to come clean about it because if you don't you're mental state will continue to deteriorate.

Throw the dice, and let the chips fall where they may.


----------



## jnj express

DGee---you make my point for me---your last post about needing a Dr-----what will that do---now you want meds---so now not only will your sub--conscious still be a wildfire, but you now will probably become a zombie, based on what meds you get

One simple but extremely tuff way out of this---"out" yourself

All the mental crap goes away---yes it will be replaced by hard pain, anguish, nuclear winter to all those around you, including yourself----but that IMHO, is better than the psych ward---and that is where you are headed.

You tell what happened---and let the chips fall where they may---it has to be better than what you are now going thru


----------



## sharkeey

I'm not getting why hubby hasn't realized something is VERY wrong with his wife.

You just can't cover up this sort of emotional distress. 

Is he that disconnected or self absorbed that he just doesn't see it?


----------



## warlock07

sharkeey said:


> I'm not getting why hubby hasn't realized something is VERY wrong with his wife.
> 
> You just can't cover up this sort of emotional distress.
> 
> Is he that disconnected or self absorbed that he just doesn't see it?


Please take the trolling somewhere else. There are a thousand reasons on why the husband may not know what his wife is going through.(She is scared her secret is coming out. She was fine all these 15 years)


----------



## sharkeey

warlock07 said:


> There are a thousand reasons on why the husband may not know what his wife is going through.


Name one reason why her husband isn't aware that his wife is experiencing severe emotional distress which is so bad that she's urgently seeking medical care.

You know a thousand.

How about providing just one?


----------



## TCSRedhead

sharkeey said:


> Name one reason why her husband isn't aware that his wife is experiencing severe emotional distress which is so bad that she's urgently seeking medical care.
> 
> You know a thousand.
> 
> How about providing just one?


Not all men pay attention. Mine included. She could easily state 'she's not feeling well'. Happy? Please stop berating other posters, it's not helpful. If you truly have an issue, that handy little PM button is a great tool to use. 

OP - the best idea is to talk to your husband directly and tell him everything. Hearing from someone else is likely to cause a lot more issues. Be direct, honest and accept all blame for your actions. Have a plan of action for how you're willing to work on yourself and the marriage.


----------



## warlock07

sharkeey said:


> Name one reason why her husband isn't aware that his wife is experiencing severe emotional distress which is so bad that she's urgently seeking medical care.
> 
> You know a thousand.
> 
> How about providing just one?


his wife is good at hiding her emotional distress. She was so good at it that she did it for 15 years inspite of her huge guilt, remember.


----------



## CH

It's till just about you. I know you're in survival mode right now. But if you can't get out of how am I going to save myself, you don't deserve to be with your husband.

If you TRULY love him like you say you do, tell the truth before it gets ugly. Others have said it, it's best to come from you than someone else.

I already know how it's going to play out.

The rumors will spread and your husband will hear about it. He'll ask you and right off the bat YOU'LL LIE. YES YOU WILL LIE, then eventually more details will come out or he gets enough of the truth to realize it wasn't a lie.

Then you'll cry, blubber, still try to lie, cover up still. Eventually you'll say, something happened, then a little bit more and more

So, it'll be Lie, lie, lie, lie, trickle truth, trickle truth, trickle truth, trickle truth, lie, trickle truth, etc...

By the time you realize you do love your husband more than anything and he deserves the entire truth it'll be too late because to him....

YOU'RE A DAMN LIAR and he's not going to believe anything that comes out of your mouth anymore.

Tell the truth and get it over with.

The truth will set you free, and that's not just a line. It really does set you free.

Stick your head in the sand and pray for a miracle is not a good plan to stick with.


----------



## costa200

sharkeey said:


> I'm not getting why hubby hasn't realized something is VERY wrong with his wife.
> 
> You just can't cover up this sort of emotional distress.
> 
> Is he that disconnected or self absorbed that he just doesn't see it?


Dude, your advice in this thread has been bordering on the mentally challenged. Quite honestly i hope, for your sake, that you are just trolling!



> Originally Posted by *sharkeey *
> Or, just keep quiet and if hubby says "Some guy called and told me that you did two guys in a threesome 15 years ago!" you could say "I told you about this and we agreed to just forget about it" and hope that he buys it.


:lol:

Do you know someone not suffering from a high degree of Alzheimer or similar condition that would forget this sort of thing?


----------



## Wazza

CH said:


> It's till just about you. I know you're in survival mode right now. But if you can't get out of how am I going to save myself, you don't deserve to be with your husband.
> 
> If you TRULY love him like you say you do, tell the truth before it gets ugly. Others have said it, it's best to come from you than someone else.
> 
> I already know how it's going to play out.
> 
> The rumors will spread and your husband will hear about it. He'll ask you and right off the bat YOU'LL LIE. YES YOU WILL LIE, then eventually more details will come out or he gets enough of the truth to realize it wasn't a lie.
> 
> Then you'll cry, blubber, still try to lie, cover up still. Eventually you'll say, something happened, then a little bit more and more
> 
> So, it'll be Lie, lie, lie, lie, trickle truth, trickle truth, trickle truth, trickle truth, lie, trickle truth, etc...
> 
> By the time you realize you do love your husband more than anything and he deserves the entire truth it'll be too late because to him....
> 
> YOU'RE A DAMN LIAR and he's not going to believe anything that comes out of your mouth anymore.
> 
> Tell the truth and get it over with.
> 
> The truth will set you free, and that's not just a line. It really does set you free.
> 
> Stick your head in the sand and pray for a miracle is not a good plan to stick with.


Ths whole thing about trickle truth is so true. It makes things so much worse because your word cannot be believed.


----------



## sharkeey

warlock07 said:


> his wife is good at hiding her emotional distress. She was so good at it that she did it for 15 years inspite of her huge guilt, remember.


She's in crisis right now. 

Totally different situation.

Name another, you have 999 left.



costa200 said:


> Do you know someone not suffering from a high degree of Alzheimer or similar condition that would forget this sort of thing?


I think I did once but now I can't remember.


----------



## remorseful strayer

D GEE said:


> 15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me. My cousin (Toni) and I used to love to go out dancing. Our husbands were not interested in the dance club scene, so it was not at all unusual for me and Toni to get together without our hubbies on a Saturday night and hit a few dance clubs. Although we would always get “hit-on” by guys at the clubs, neither one of us had any intent but to have a good time dancing. We both were usually very good at minimizing our alcohol consumption, but one night we both felt that we were just a little too drunk to drive so we decided to call a cab for a ride home. Prior to the cab arriving we ran into two guy friends that I had gone to high school with. (Tom and Jim) I introduced them to Toni, and we began chatting. When we told them that we had called a cab, they offered to give us a ride home. Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times. We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. A couple days later I found Toms phone number in the phone book and called him to explain that what happened was a horrible mistake. And I begged him to get in touch with Jim and to forget the night ever happened. I never saw or heard from either one of them since that night. I also called my cousin Toni and told her about the whole thing. That was the last time I ever discussed it. Unfortunately, Toni told her husband Eric every detail of that evening. Including their names. It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.
> 
> 15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.
> 
> I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days. My husband keeps begging me to go to the doctor. I no longer trust my cousin’s support on anything. I need good advice. I love my husband and don’t want to break this marriage up. However if he finds out about that night, I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I deny that it happened. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve never used an on-line forum for advise before, but I don’t know what to do. What should I do?


This is why most people here advice that a straying spouse confess to an affair. Someone else always knows about it and that person may get angry or suddenly develop a conscience and feel the need to warn the betrayed spouse. 

There is a saying, if you tell ONE person a secret, it is no longer a secret. Most spouses tell each other secrets and most people love to gossip and may actually swear the other person they tell to secrecy, but that person tells one other person and swears them to secrecy and that person tells one other person and on and on and on. 

I am willing to wager that other people also know.

It's going to hurt your spouse more because you didn't confess and he will feel doubly humiliated by others knowing and you not confessing.

I think it's best to tell him first before he finds out from this guy.


----------



## remorseful strayer

D GEE said:


> I did not call them gentlemen. I was making the point that they were not FORCEING ME to do anything.


And that is exactly why they were incredibly polite and assured themselves that you were agreeable to a threesome. They may have recorded your response to protect themselves. 

I agree with the other poster. 

Don't tell the story to your husband the way you told it here. 

Take responsibility, don't blame alcohol. Don't claim you were lost in passion, That will only hurt him more. 

Tell him you were a fool and did something horrible and you regret it and never did it again (but only if that is true)

The lies must stop. So, don't further upset him by lying about anything. 

I also agree that do NOT SAY THESE TWO GUYS were incredibly polite. If you were indeed drunk, they were not polite.


----------



## kindi

There is just no way this is going to end well.


----------



## jnj express

They were incredibly polite, cuz they had it all going for themselves----had they roughed her up, she might have come to her senses, drunks do know right from wrong---had they roughed her up, she just may have yelled rape, specially with 2 guys doing her

They knew exactly what they were doing---as in going to the car wash---where no one else was gonna bother them

Bottom line what was she doing going out dancing w/out her H, anyway---she was a mother with 3 small kids---what kind of a mother does those kinds of things-----on top of that add in 15 yrs of her H coming home every night and her looking him right in the eyes and saying everything was fine----15 yrs of cheating by OMMISSION


----------



## amorous_1

When you were trashed that night and horny why didn't you just go home and see if your husband wanted some? Why was there no thinking or desire for him instead at the time?


----------



## keko

Dgee, by not confessing to your husband what are you trying to save? A marriage that was built on lies?

However you look at whether you confess to your husband or he finds it out from someone else on his own your marriage or whatever it can be called is dead. Now if you can convince it was only a one time thing and he forgives you, you might have a chance on building a new marriage.


----------



## mel123

D Gee, 

(Tom, Jim , Toni and Eric) All know your secret. I would say each one of them have told others,and then those people has told others.There is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. People like to tell secrets, especially after a little time has passed.


----------



## kindi

Maybe her husband already knows but decided not to do anything about it.

Some guys will put up with anything if the sex is good.


----------



## matt82

Riptide said:


> When you were trashed that night and horny why didn't you just go home and see if your husband wanted some? Why was there no thinking or desire for him instead at the time?


That's easy... She had the NCU (New **** Urge). Plus, her husband sounds like a really good guy. I mean, didn't he say he'd do anything to protect his family? He's probably not that "dangerous" or "sexy." He's probably also not the type of person that would go out with a buddy and have a threesome with a married woman.

The OP wanted to have sex with two guys at the same time and she isn't sorry about it -- she's just sorry she got caught. I hope she vomits for another week.


----------



## jnj express

If/When you "out" yourself, and your H, wants information, and if he is like a goodly portion of betray'ds he will want lots of info----you are gonna have a hard time keeping him in the mge----if you say to him---then WE DECIDED TO GO TO TOM'S APT-------You are telling him you were a willing party to all of this---but I guess you were-------so comes the next question, cuz it seems that you iniated the kissing sequences----WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOUR MGE----you may have had to much to drink---but you were not drugged, and you were not falling down drunk, you knew right from wrong, and you knew what the consequences of your cheating would bring----so why were you all of a sudden so hot to trot with these 2 guys-------"what was wrong with your H"--------did you ever at any time think of what you would do to 3 small kids, that you allegedly called yourself a mother to

Luckily, they have grown up, but depending on their upbringing, you may also alienate them, due to what you did to their father.

I am just bringing up questions your H, will ask, and you better have some TRUTH for him----that is if you do, decide to do the right and PROPER thing, and "out" yourself----but as I keep saying, based on what you are writing, taking this secret to your grave is liable to put you in the Hosp., and then it all comes out anyway, but not from you to your H., but from others to your H.-----------your life, your health, your decision.


----------



## Tony55

D GEE said:


> And nothing improper has happened since that night. Toni and I stopped going out. I haven't been able to even look at other men since that night without feeling deceitful.


D Gee, I would private message you my unpopular position on this, but I'm one of those people who think the value of the open forum is diminished when people run to a corner and whisper to each other.

I'm looking at this in perspective, this isn't something that's happening now or in the past year, this happened 15 years ago. You claim this is the only time you've ever done something like this. You also point out that your husband took a very, very aggressive action when someone at your work came on to you. And if the statement I quoted above is true, then there's 15 years of being a good woman separating you from that one night you cheated.

Again, there's no easy answer, so let me put it in the context of my life.

My wife ran into an old high school boyfriend at a club during a bachelorette party. She drank too much, spent time dancing with him and ended up in his car "making out". I found out within 24 hours. I divorced her. Here's the thing though, I saw it in her eyes the moment she stepped off the plane and asked her what's up, she just shook her head. Eventually she told me what she did (and I never even asked if she actually had sex). It was too much for me. I knew I would never trust her again and I would become insecure, I knew I couldn't live that way, it would be just too much.

To this day I miss her, but I still believe I did the right thing. I knew I couldn't live with the uncertainty. I hated that she did what she did, but I hated more who I would become, an insecure man, I just couldn't handle that.

If it was me, in your husbands shoes right now, and I could make the magical decision to know something that happened 15 years ago, or not know it, I would choose not to know. (Although having the decision offered to me would make me have to know, but you get what I mean.)

Again, its important to put this into CONTEXT. If a woman has truly been faithful for 15 years, and I was the husband, and I had a chance to NOT KNOW what she did one night, and that KNOWING this would completely destroy my present life, the good 15 years, the years before that fateful night and the foreseeable future. I-Would-Not-Want-To-Know.

Call me selfish, but it's her burden, let her suffer, don't bring me down with you. I didn't do the one-nighter, she did.

T


----------



## streamofsilence

Tony55 said:


> If you tell him, he'll know you only told him because you thought someone else was going to bust you out, and if the other guy tells him, you'll end up saying you struggled the past month with whether to tell him or not... what difference is it all going to make. None.
> 
> 
> T


I couldn't agree more on this, it was my thought as well.


----------



## SomedayDig

While I respect Tony and his point of view, I only disagree cuz you'd be better off playing Russian Roulette. Again, only my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Buster McFriendly

Greetings. 

I fully reject the concept of marriage. It is a finished institution and any of you who have managed to trudge to the altar are absolute fools. It's 2012 and you should have all known this by now.

I have never been married and I certainly never will. In your blue-pill fug, you will predictably call me insane. You will raise a torch for your wife (if you're male) or for YOURSELF if you are female. 

The OP is only doing what is a natural reaction to her gender. Do not blame alcohol, do not blame coercion (she has explicitly stated this was of her own free will and _desire_). 

"But Buster, men cheat too!" you'll screech. Fine. This too does happen and I won't deny it.

Men on this forum had better learn a lesson you will never be made privy to even if you've attained a PhD - _Briffault's Law._

It follows:

_BRIFFAULT’S LAW:

The female, not the male, determines all the conditions of the animal family. Where the female can derive no benefit from association with the male, no such association takes place.


1. Past benefit provided by the male does not provide for continued or future association.

2. Any agreement where the male provides a current benefit in return for a promise of future association is null and void as soon as the male has provided the benefit.

3. A promise of future benefit has limited influence on current/future association, with the influence inversely proportionate to the length of time until the benefit will be given and directly proportionate to the degree to which the female trusts the male _.

This law applies to human nature as well. The OP must have found her husband to be such provisional material and cast away the fool's sexual misgivings (which are obvious) in hopes that the simp could provide resources for her future children at that time of her marriage. 

The OP had little to no sexual interest in the father of her children - just acquisition of resource and provision, and this is certain. Gentlemen, your wife feels the same way as the OP. She wants a source of raw energy to fuel HER family and nothing less. When an economic unfortunance occurs, she will leave you toots-sweet. You have lost your usefulness and she will play the field for another, more provisional mate. It happens with pigs, hippos and vampire bats. Same goes for humanity. 

Why her husband had even bothered in the first place to tie the socially-engineered knot is a mystery to me, but most people expect marriage as a conventional ceremony in their lives even to this day. We should be smarter than this by now.

The OP's husband also must remember that "once a cheat - always a cheat." Although at her calculated age, her shelf life is unsavory, do you think that she'd refuse a cougar hunt? The hell she wouldn't! She'd happily tryst with a strapping post-grad (or in her case -grads) who wants to "experience the experience." Hell, I rocked the world out of a cougar 17 years my senior and it was mind-blowing. I mean, we're talking _tantra_!

For the record - I have never been married and I never will. 

As for the OP, fear not! Even if your dumb hubby divorces you,the Family Courts will still be in your favor and you will be most certain to be enriched from your divorce.


----------



## alte Dame

Tony55 said:


> D Gee, I would private message you my unpopular position on this, but I'm one of those people who think the value of the open forum is diminished when people run to a corner and whisper to each other.
> 
> I'm looking at this in perspective, this isn't something that's happening now or in the past year, this happened 15 years ago. You claim this is the only time you've ever done something like this. You also point out that your husband took a very, very aggressive action when someone at your work came on to you. And if the statement I quoted above is true, then there's 15 years of being a good woman separating you from that one night you cheated.
> 
> Again, there's no easy answer, so let me put it in the context of my life.
> 
> My wife ran into an old high school boyfriend at a club during a bachelorette party. She drank too much, spent time dancing with him and ended up in his car "making out". I found out within 24 hours. I divorced her. Here's the thing though, I saw it in her eyes the moment she stepped off the plane and asked her what's up, she just shook her head. Eventually she told me what she did (and I never even asked if she actually had sex). It was too much for me. I knew I would never trust her again and I would become insecure, I knew I couldn't live that way, it would be just too much.
> 
> To this day I miss her, but I still believe I did the right thing. I knew I couldn't live with the uncertainty. I hated that she did what she did, but I hated more who I would become, an insecure man, I just couldn't handle that.
> 
> If it was me, in your husbands shoes right now, and I could make the magical decision to know something that happened 15 years ago, or not know it, I would choose not to know. (Although having the decision offered to me would make me have to know, but you get what I mean.)
> 
> Again, its important to put this into CONTEXT. If a woman has truly been faithful for 15 years, and I was the husband, and I had a chance to NOT KNOW what she did one night, and that KNOWING this would completely destroy my present life, the good 15 years, the years before that fateful night and the foreseeable future. I-Would-Not-Want-To-Know.
> 
> Call me selfish, but it's her burden, let her suffer, don't bring me down with you. I didn't do the one-nighter, she did.
> 
> T


I sympathize a lot with Tony's point. At my age, with many years of marriage under my belt, I can honestly say that there's a part of me that simply wouldn't want to know about something so long in the past. But that part of me is overridden by my sense that I'm not dead yet and have, hopefully, many years left to me & I'd like to live them in peace, with some honesty. So, on balance, I would want to know.

Also, I think what is so hard about OP's situation is the cognitive dissonance of it. Here you have an otherwise respectable wife and mother in a loving relationship with 3 children & she doesn't just kiss some guy on a drunken GNO. She doesn't just give in to her worse angels and have some quick dirty sex with a guy. No, she has a threesome with two men who apparently go out of their way to make sure that she is consenting. And then she just goes back to her respectable life.

I think this scenario is bizarre. If/when her H finds out, he will have to process this degree of Jekyll-Hyde & try to figure out whether he ever really knew his W. (I've read CH's story & I think the dissonance is a bit similar to his.)


----------



## mel123

matt82 said:


> The OP wanted to have sex with two guys at the same time and she isn't sorry about it -- she's just sorry she got caught. I hope she vomits for another week.




Matt,
How do you know she is not sorry, you a mind reader ??? She is here for help and advice or she would not have come to this forum. 

Your comments would fit a cheater that did not regret their actions, but she does. Does it make you feel morally superior to kick someone when their down????

In Iran the penalty for a woman in adultery is to be buried up to their waist in sand and then stoned to death with large sharp rocks by a large cheering crowd. You are doing that to her "emotionally" with your hateful verbal comments

She deserves the fury of her H, but not smart remarks from you


----------



## Ikaika

Buster McFriendly

Don't take offense, but if you wish to give a diatribe on the issue of how you feel about marriage. Please delete your response from this thread and start a new one.


----------



## SomedayDig

Buster McFriendly said:


> For the record - I have never been married and I never will.


Alrighty, then.

So, basically you're kinda like the atheist who tells the other 90% of the world they're nuts cuz they believe in a Higher Power.

Welcome to TAM.


----------



## SomedayDig

drerio said:


> Buster McFriendly
> 
> Don't take offense, but if you wish to give a diatribe on the issue of how you feel about marriage. Please delete your response from this thread and start a new one.


I'd suggest the Marriage section. That should bring him the attention he desires.


----------



## streamofsilence

desahra said:


> It sounds like you blame Toni for this coming up now. That isn't right or proper. You should be supporting her through this rough period of her life, regardless of its effects on your life. This was not Toni's fault.


Well, why did she feel the need to tell that to her husband? Not a good cousin or friend...


----------



## matt82

mel123 said:


> Matt,
> How do you know she is not sorry, you a mind reader ??? She is here for help and advice or she would not have come to this forum.
> 
> Your comments would fit a cheater that did not regret their actions, but she does. Does it make you feel morally superior to kick someone when their down????
> 
> In Iran the penalty for a woman in adultery is to be buried up to their waist in sand and then stoned to death with large sharp rocks by a large cheering crowd. You are doing that to her "emotionally" with your hateful verbal comments
> 
> She deserves the fury of her H, but not smart a$$ remarks from you


So you're a cheater too, Mel?


----------



## jnj express

Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact---THIS WOMAN IS TEARING HERSELF APART MENTALLY---now she is gonna go to a dr. and get meds on top of what is already going on------it is just piling one mess, right on top of another

Maybe/very possibly its best if she could take this to her grave, and her H., never would know--------but at this point every puff of air that comes at her, makes her jump out of her skin---how long is she to allow herself to puke up her bile--------this all comes from festering guilt---and LIKE IT OR NOT---"outing herself", MAKES IT ALL GO AWAY.

There will be consequences to pay for everyone, that is the price everyone has to pay for her tawdry choices 15 yrs ago, but what are we really looking at here.----HER F'ing MENTAL HEALTH IS AT RISK


----------



## aug

D GEE said:


> 15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me. My cousin (Toni) and I used to love to go out dancing. Our husbands were not interested in the dance club scene, so it was not at all unusual for me and Toni to get together without our hubbies on a Saturday night and hit a few dance clubs. Although we would always get “hit-on” by guys at the clubs, neither one of us had any intent but to have a good time dancing. We both were usually very good at minimizing our alcohol consumption, but one night we both felt that we were just a little too drunk to drive so we decided to call a cab for a ride home. Prior to the cab arriving we ran into two guy friends that I had gone to high school with. (Tom and Jim) I introduced them to Toni, and we began chatting. When we told them that we had called a cab, they offered to give us a ride home. Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times. We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. *I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. *A couple days later I found Toms phone number in the phone book and called him to explain that what happened was a horrible mistake. And I begged him to get in touch with Jim and to forget the night ever happened. I never saw or heard from either one of them since that night. I also called my cousin Toni and told her about the whole thing. That was the last time I ever discussed it. Unfortunately, Toni told her husband Eric every detail of that evening. Including their names. It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.





D GEE said:


> Although I sincerely regretted the fling from the moment I sobered, Toni says that *I left her with the impression and that she told Eric that I totally enjoyed it when I told her about it.* I know that’s a lie. I couldn’t stop telling her how horrible I felt. I don’t understand why she made a big deal about it to Eric.



It's incredibly hard to see why "the incredible passion" was not enjoyed at the time.

In any event, there are consequences that'll need to be paid.

It's extremely likely that Eric will spill the bean. Better your husband hears it from you rather than from Eric or other strangers. 

You can bet your buns other people also know. How do you know your 2 gentlemen hadnt told others? I suspect these jocks will brag.


----------



## Ikaika

Here would be the another reason why D GEE you should reveal the truth. By not doing so you are making a unilateral decision a on a large scale by withholding vital information. Imagine if your H had made some large financial decisions that cost the family a huge amount of wealth without discussing the matter with you first. Would that be fair? 

You have been given a fair amount of reasons to just come clean. I sympathize with the sudden illness that has taken over your life due to the guilt. But make no mistake I sympathize with your H to a much greater degree for not being privy to very important information that would allow him and you to make some serious decisions. It will not be water under the bridge if either Toni, Eric or these two characters decide to leak the information to your H. I still think you are taking a big gamble, but again I don't have to live your life. Take Care and as always I wish you the best.


----------



## Tony55

I want to ask everyone a very serious question, and I want to ask anyone who answers to please think hard about their answer.

I'm asking this question because of my concern for the husband, who, as we sit here discussing this, is innocently going about his life, probably happily, without a care in the world.

In my fictitious scenario we will have to assume some absolutes, *I'm not saying these absolutes apply in D Gee's situation*, so please don't use that argument, it's only in this fictitious scenario that these absolutes apply.


Imagine you know a secret about a person who had sex with someone outside of their marriage 15 years ago.

Here are some of the conditions:

You're 100% certain that the only person who can ever reveal the secret is you.
You're 100% certain that the spouse who cheated did it once.
You're 100% certain that the family is happy.
You're 100% certain that the spouse will never do it again.
I drive you to their house, they're all inside, all you have to do is go ring the doorbell and reveal what you know. If you walk away, no one will ever know. If you reveal the secret, no one will ever judge you for your decision.

*Edit: I'll make the scenario easier to consider. You know the entire family, they are all friends of yours.* _
(everything else still applies.)_

What do you do?

_Please be honest, imagine this exact scenario, don't consider D Gee's story in the answer._

T


----------



## keko

Tony the only answer to your question is if that person is of good moral character or not.


----------



## aug

matt82 said:


> The OP wanted to have sex with two guys at the same time and she isn't sorry about it -- *she's just sorry she got caught.* I hope she vomits for another week.


Quite likely. She had 15 years to come clean but did not. Only when she's close to being outed is she reacting now.

Still, better she tells her husband now before her husband finds out himself.


----------



## aug

Tony55 said:


> Imagine you know a secret about a person who had sex with someone outside of their marriage 15 years ago.


Depends how close you are to that person. Depends how much you know about that person.


----------



## SomedayDig

The only problem Tony55 is I am not the drunk husband of the cousin. That's the dark horse in this race.


----------



## btdt

You seem to be getting some advice to take this to your grave. But concealment no longer seems to be an option. Too many people know about this incident and one person is threating to expose it. Even if the exposure doesn't happen now, it's simply a matter of time.

This issue needs to be addressed with your husband immediately. You need to:


Tell him everything that happened and acknowledge you made a horrible mistake. While alcohol may have been a contributing factor, it is not an excuse.
Acknowledge that you have compounded the mistake by not telling him. But you didn't tell him the truth because you could not stand the thought of losing him and your family.
Tell him how the incident has changed your behavior. He might not believe that this was the only time something like this happened, but he should be able to see one clear change that you made when you stopped going out on these GNO's after the incident. You might also point out the other incident with the co-worker where you told your husband and put an end to the advances. If there are any other examples of changes you have made, tell him these as well.
Let him know that you will do whatever is necessary to perserve your marriage.
.

I don't think one mistake, as bad as it was, should nullify 20+ years of marriage. But make no mistake this is not going to be easy, and there is no way to anticipate the outcome.


----------



## kindi

Tony55 said:


> I want to ask everyone a very serious question, and I want to ask anyone who answers to please think hard about their answer.
> 
> I drive you to their house, they're all inside, all you have to do is go ring the doorbell and reveal what you know. If you walk away, no one will ever know. If you reveal the secret, no one will ever judge you for your decision.
> 
> What do you do?


Oh good, another one of those morality based questions!

Does it really matter what any of us might do? You'll ask 10 people and get 10 different answers, so what?

I'd take a look inside the window at the wife, see if she's a hottie, if so I'd note the address, do a search on the home phone number, call the wife and blackmail her for sex.


----------



## Malaise

The truth will come out eventually. It always does.

It's better for the OP to control the who,when and why than someone else.


----------



## keko

Malaise said:


> The truth will come out eventually. It always does.
> 
> It's better for the OP to control the who,when and why than someone else.


Exactly. When eric tells the husband, there is no doubt husband will think there are more affairs that he's not aware of and will never believe the wife's claim of only one(or two depending on how you view the guys involved).


----------



## AnnieAsh

OP, what have you decided? How are you doing today?

Annie


----------



## Tony55

aug said:


> Depends how close you are to that person. Depends how much you know about that person.


Aug, you don't know them personally, but you know everything you can possibly know about them and know that the original points made are true.

Would, you, Aug, tell?

T


----------



## Tony55

SomedayDig said:


> The only problem Tony55 is I am not the drunk husband of the cousin. That's the dark horse in this race.


So, SomedayDig, in the context of my scenario, would you tell the person then? On the basis that a drunk cousin might anyway?

T


----------



## Tony55

kindi said:


> Oh good, another one of those morality based questions!
> 
> Does it really matter what any of us might do?


Of course it would matter, you can see that, you just choose to be flip about it, but that's not good enough, what would you do Kindi? Honestly.

T


----------



## SomedayDig

Well, that would change the situation Tony.

If I were in that situation and I was the only one besides the cheater who knew what had happened, well...I'll tell ya exactly what I would do. I would not be a friend any longer. I can only say this because it is exactly what I did a few years ago when I found out about a friend cheating and not wanting to tell his wife. I actually begged the guy to tell her. He didn't. He was confident it would never come out.

They're divorced now cuz she found out when he got lazy and never totally cleaned out his emails.


----------



## kindi

Tony55 said:


> Of course it would matter, you can see that, you just choose to be flip about it, but that's not good enough, what would you do Kindi? Honestly.
> 
> T


Honestly I wouldn't get involved. 

I'd turn and walk away and let them live their own lives.


----------



## Tony55

keko said:


> Exactly. When eric tells the husband, there is no doubt husband will think there are more affairs that he's not aware of and will never believe the wife's claim of only one(or two depending on how you view the guys involved).


And Keko, do you believe he'll believe there's only one if she tells him now? Given D Gee's motivation?

T


----------



## keko

Tony55 said:


> And Keko, do you believe he'll believe there's only one if she tells him now? Given D Gee's motivation?
> 
> T


That's more likely then Eric telling the husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tony55

_I edited the original scenario to make it easier to consider, I added..._

*Edit: I'll make the scenario easier to consider. You know the entire family, they are all friends of yours.*

T


----------



## Ikaika

Tony55 said:


> _I edited the original scenario to make it easier to consider, I added..._
> 
> *Edit: I'll make the scenario easier to consider. You know the entire family, they are all friends of yours.*
> 
> T


Let D GEE answer in her own words


D GEE said:


> ... It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.
> 
> 15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.


----------



## warlock07

Tony, I gambled away your life savings that you invested with me . The thing is, you don't expect them for 10 more years. Should I tell you now or should I tell you at the end of time period, since the money is lost anyway ?

In other words, are you implying that if you lie long enough, you should get away with it ?


----------



## SomedayDig

Page 10 with 6 posts by OP.

See ya's.


----------



## doc_martin

I am wishing I could agree with Tony, as I believe he makes a sound argument. Unfortunately, I don't think that will be an option in any case. It sure sounds like this cousin's husband is a loose cannon. If the divorce gets that bad, he will tell. He will be doing anything to get back at his wife and any on her side. Such is the way of bad divorce. 

So with that, I think she is faced with a worse and worser (I know it's not a real word  choice. 

As the BH I would ABSOLUTELY disbelieve that this was her only indiscretion...and 90% of the time I would be absolutely correct! And if her cousin's husband were a real POS, he would lie and say there were more? He won't need any evidence. The stone will have been cast. I do agree that finding out 15 years later would be as bad as finding out right away...probably worse acutally, because now you are certifying that not only WILL you do things that do not take your husbands feelings into account and betray his trust but you WILL cover it up until you are caught. So what else REALLY may be out there...

Affairs are like watching shooting stars. For every one you see, there are ten you didn't...


----------



## walkonmars

I respect Tony. I generally agree whole-heartedly with his POV. And I would agree that IF it was only the OP that knew the secret then yes take it to the grave. I've given that opinion in another thread where the wife had a ONS with a stranger, was remoresful, sought help on dealing with the guilt and anguished over hurting her husband with the truth. A real moral dilemma.

This case is different. There are too many people that know. Exposure is highly likely and would require additional denials and compounded pain for her husband. Every time the phone rings her blood pressure will skyrocket her stomach will churn until it rings again. Every time the family gathers and her cousin is present she will break out in a cold sweat. 

Her husband WILL notice. Its a downward spiral. 

Would I wantvto know? HellNO. But if I was going to hear it from anyone it better be from her. Thats the only chance she'd have with me.


----------



## Tony55

warlock07 said:


> Tony, I gambled away your life savings that you invested with me . The thing is, you don't expect them for 10 more years. Should I tell you now or should I tell you at the end of time period, since the money is lost anyway ?
> 
> In other words, are you implying that if you lie long enough, you should get away with it ?


I can't envision your analogy in the same way I see this, but I understand the point you're making.

As far as the question if I'm implying if you lie long enough should you get away with it, no I'm not implying that, I'm not even thinking of this in terms of someone getting away with something, I'm thinking of this in terms of destroying someone else's life.

I hate the idea that this man's life is going to come crashing down around him over something that was done once, 15 years ago, and not repeated since (according to the poster). It feels like an extremely selfish thing to do.

We all know he'll never recover from this, he'll move on, we all do, but he'll never recover; this will permanently kill something in him.

T


----------



## keko

Tony55 said:


> I can't envision your analogy in the same way I see this, but I understand the point you're making.
> 
> As far as the question if I'm implying if you lie long enough should you get away with it, no I'm not implying that, I'm not even thinking of this in terms of someone getting away with something, I'm thinking of this in terms of destroying someone else's life.
> 
> I hate the idea that this man's life is going to come crashing down around him over something that was done once, 15 years ago, and not repeated since (according to the poster). It feels like an extremely selfish thing to do.
> 
> We all know he'll never recover from this, he'll move on, we all do, but he'll never recover; this will permanently kill something in him.
> 
> T


His 15 years was stolen from him and you're OK with another 15+ being stolen?

He deserves the truth regardless of the hurt he may feel so he can make the decision on how to spend the rest of his life with one big lie out in the open.


----------



## Ikaika

Tony55 said:


> I hate the idea that this man's life is going to come crashing down around him over something that was done once, 15 years ago, and not repeated since (according to the poster). It feels like an extremely selfish thing to do.
> 
> We all know he'll never recover from this, he'll move on, we all do, but he'll never recover; this will permanently kill something in him.
> 
> T


The question for you, based on the OP's own understanding of the situation, does the source of where H gets this devastating news from matter? D GEE may not be able to take this to her grave. There are too many moving parts to this story.


----------



## Malaise

drerio said:


> The question for you, based on the OP's own understanding of the situation, does the source of where H gets this devastating news from matter? D GEE may not be able to take this to her grave. There are too many moving parts to this story.


D is right

It's not a secret if more than one person knows. And given the animosity displayed to the OP by 'Eric', She must live the rest of her life wondering when he will tell.

This also makes her vulnerable to blackmail. And 'Eric' doesn't seem to be a class act himself. What would he ask of her to keep silent?


----------



## Tony55

drerio said:


> The question for you, based on the OP's own understanding of the situation, does the source of where H gets this devastating news from matter? D GEE may not be able to take this to her grave. There are too many moving parts to this story.


I sincerely do not believe the source will matter, I think it's like saying a bullet in my heart is better coming from a friend than from a foe; either way I'm just as dead.

Essentially I see one moving part, Toni's soon to be ex husband. The other players have all known about this for 15 years; there's no reason for them to come forward now. I see D Gee telling her husband as a 100% kill shot. I see Toni's ex as less than 50% (even less if D Gee stays out of her cousins marital issues).

I'm all for honesty, but this is beyond a question of honesty, this is coercion from a cousins drunken spurned spouse. It's a filthy business D Gee got herself caught up into and now she's about to pay the piper, either through divorce or psychological trauma.

If she wants to come clean someday, then do so, but do it because she thinks it's the right thing to do.

T


----------



## Ikaika

Tony

I disagree, I believe the source matters. I also believe Toni may be possible leaky spigot. Under stress, people can be unpredictable.


----------



## Malaise

Tony55 said:


> *I sincerely do not believe the source will matter, I think it's like saying a bullet in my heart is better coming from a friend than from a foe; either way I'm just as dead.*
> Essentially I see one moving part, Toni's soon to be ex husband. The other players have all known about this for 15 years; there's no reason for them to come forward now. I see D Gee telling her husband as a 100% kill shot. I see Toni's ex as less than 50% (even less if D Gee stays out of her cousins marital issues).
> 
> I'm all for honesty, but this is beyond a question of honesty, this is coercion from a cousins drunken spurned spouse. It's a filthy business D Gee got herself caught up into and now she's about to pay the piper, either through divorce or psychological trauma.
> 
> If she wants to come clean someday, then do so, but do it because she thinks it's the right thing to do.
> 
> T


Slight disagreement T.

If Eric tells the H he could blow it up to extreme levels painting her as the town slvt for years. Maybe 'just' the one incident could be fatal to H but he could still R, many have done so.

If I was the H, and told by Eric, I would think over the past years and question any little thing slightly suspicious.

That would kill any R, the thought that her affairs were many .

The H would justly think that since she has kept this secret for years, what else has she kept hidden. I think that we all would think the same.

And to be fair, he could think that even if she told him herself.
It's a risk she has to take.


----------



## walkonmars

I'm more concerned with toni. One drunken phone call away. One falling out away. She already has it in her mind that dgee had a blast. She'll wonder "that lil tramp, she did all that and is livin the life, me, i was faithful and look at me - 'taint fair!"

It's a matter of time.


----------



## aug

D GEE said:


> 15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. *He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night.* He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.



Well, well... Looks like Jim is certainly not keeping the 3some a secret.


----------



## aug

Tony55 said:


> Aug, you don't know them personally, but you know everything you can possibly know about them and know that the original points made are true.
> 
> Would, you, Aug, tell?
> 
> T


Dont know.


----------



## Tony55

drerio said:


> Tony
> 
> I disagree, I believe the source matters. I also believe Toni may be possible leaky spigot. Under stress, people can be unpredictable.


Explain to me why you think the source matters. In this case, under these conditions, how will it matter? (I'm looking for something I might be over looking).

T


----------



## Tony55

Malaise said:


> Slight disagreement T.
> 
> If Eric tells the H he could blow it up to extreme levels painting her as the town slvt for years. Maybe 'just' the one incident could be fatal to H but he could still R, many have done so.
> 
> If I was the H, and told by Eric, I would think over the past years and question any little thing slightly suspicious.
> 
> That would kill any R, the thought that her affairs were many .
> 
> The H would justly think that since she has kept this secret for years, what else has she kept hidden. I think that we all would think the same.
> 
> And to be fair, he could think that even if she told him herself.
> It's a risk she has to take.


But he will most certainly ask her why she chose now to tell him, what do you suggest she says?

T


----------



## Entropy3000

Tony55 said:


> I want to ask everyone a very serious question, and I want to ask anyone who answers to please think hard about their answer.
> 
> I'm asking this question because of my concern for the husband, who, as we sit here discussing this, is innocently going about his life, probably happily, without a care in the world.
> 
> In my fictitious scenario we will have to assume some absolutes, *I'm not saying these absolutes apply in D Gee's situation*, so please don't use that argument, it's only in this fictitious scenario that these absolutes apply.
> 
> 
> Imagine you know a secret about a person who had sex with someone outside of their marriage 15 years ago.
> 
> Here are some of the conditions:
> 
> You're 100% certain that the only person who can ever reveal the secret is you.
> You're 100% certain that the spouse who cheated did it once.
> You're 100% certain that the family is happy.
> You're 100% certain that the spouse will never do it again.
> I drive you to their house, they're all inside, all you have to do is go ring the doorbell and reveal what you know. If you walk away, no one will ever know. If you reveal the secret, no one will ever judge you for your decision.
> 
> *Edit: I'll make the scenario easier to consider. You know the entire family, they are all friends of yours.* _
> (everything else still applies.)_
> 
> What do you do?
> 
> _Please be honest, imagine this exact scenario, don't consider D Gee's story in the answer._
> 
> T


I am 100% sure I would have said something 15 years ago and would not have waited. I would no longer be friends with her.

But this is not the purpose of your question. You want to know if a person who was her wing woman that night would continue to hold the secret. I would not bet on it. Her not having the greatest character back then make her hard to know just what she might do and what her motives might be.


----------



## Ikaika

Tony55 said:


> Explain to me why you think the source matters. In this case, under these conditions, how will it matter? (I'm looking for something I might be over looking).
> 
> T


I pretty much like how Malaise put it... I have also pretty much said this in previous post (go back and read for yourself). Listen, I respect your opinion, I just don't agree and I haven't heard you make a convincing case for me. 

Any future post I make on here I will not be addressing you (no offense), but I would rather address to the OP. She after all was asking for help and I intend on presenting my advice to her. You can do the same. As I told her from the start, she needs to weigh all the advice she gets carefully. 



Malaise said:


> Slight disagreement T.
> 
> If Eric tells the H he could blow it up to extreme levels painting her as the town slvt for years. Maybe 'just' the one incident could be fatal to H but he could still R, many have done so.
> 
> If I was the H, and told by Eric, I would think over the past years and question any little thing slightly suspicious.
> 
> That would kill any R, the thought that her affairs were many .
> 
> The H would justly think that since she has kept this secret for years, what else has she kept hidden. I think that we all would think the same.
> 
> And to be fair, he could think that even if she told him herself.
> It's a risk she has to take.


The only thing I would add to Malaise's argument is something in D GEE's internet voice from the outset that makes me think the probability for Eric to reveal her secret is pretty good. I smell real fear... she obviously knows Eric enough to have this fear. Unfortunately the bold statement also bothers me. Too many moving parts. 



D GEE said:


> ...
> 
> I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days. My husband keeps begging me to go to the doctor. *I no longer trust my cousin’s support on anything*. I need good advice. I love my husband and don’t want to break this marriage up. However if he finds out about that night, I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I deny that it happened. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve never used an on-line forum for advise before, but I don’t know what to do. What should I do?


What I read from you, and correct me if I am wrong, is that she can somehow spare her H's grief by taking this story to her grave. I don't think that is a very good probability. But, she will have to make that decision, not you or me. Feel free to present your case, but I would suggest you present it to her. That is if she ever returns.


----------



## Ikaika

Tony55 said:


> But he will most certainly ask her why she chose now to tell him, what do you suggest she says?
> 
> T


Again, tell the truth. The whole truth, even the why now.


----------



## Entropy3000

drerio said:


> Again, tell the truth. The whole truth, even the why now.


Staying with the truth is the key. Thisnis only difficult now because she failed to be faithful and truthful 15 years ago. Continuing to fail is not the answer.

She is now open to balckmail from more than one direction. If Eric wants money will he get it? If Eric wants more sex will he get?

She has a secret with another man not her husband. It is the unfaithfulness that keeps on giving the whole marriage through.


----------



## Malaise

Tony55 said:


> But he will most certainly ask her why she chose now to tell him, what do you suggest she says?
> 
> T


The only truthful thing would be fear of exposure from someone else.

It would be better if the reason was guilt and remorse but OP has had 15 years to do that. So I can only guess that guilt and remorse was there all along but not enough to make her 'fess up.

And that revelation would be very painful to the H.

Not saying that any choice is easy or better than the other.

But the probability is that it will come out, sooner or later.

She made a bad choice 15 years ago, another one is coming due now.


----------



## Tony55

Entropy3000 said:


> I am 100% sure I would have said something 15 years ago and would not have waited. I would no longer be friends with her.
> 
> But this is not the purpose of your question. You want to know if a person who was her wing woman that night would continue to hold the secret. I would not bet on it. Her not having the greatest character back then make her hard to know just what she might do and what her motives might be.


No, my question didn't have a wing-man. The date if the present time, and you have the information mentioned in my first post about the fictitious scenario. It is 15 years later.

What do you do?

T


----------



## snap

D GEE, the only reason you are here is because you are cornered.

You didn't give a damn about it for these 15 years: nobody would hold it that long if it was eating them from inside. The way you describe the encounter suggests the memories are not entirely unpleasant and were perhaps regularly revisited.

The only reason you stressed now is because you are blackmailed. It has nothing to do with remorse.

Your only avenue now is disclosing the truth preemptively before the husband will learn from others. It will not be pretty, and he will doubt everything about your life together. I would too, and frankly, I have my doubts if that was your only rodeo. It takes certain mindset and lack of inhibitions to get into a threesome with total strangers, even when one's single.


----------



## Tony55

drerio said:


> Any future post I make on here I will not be addressing you (no offense), but I would rather address to the OP... ...But, she will have to make that decision, not you or me. Feel free to present your case, but I would suggest you present it to her. That is if she ever returns.


I'll continue to ask, anyone interested in this thread, questions I think are pertinent to the OP's dilemma.

*I make this disclaimer, that when I do ask other posters for their opinion, it is explicitly not meant for Drerio. He/She is released of any obligation to respond.
*
T


----------



## remorseful strayer

Tony55 said:


> D Gee, I would private message you my unpopular position on this, but I'm one of those people who think the value of the open forum is diminished when people run to a corner and whisper to each other.
> 
> I'm looking at this in perspective, this isn't something that's happening now or in the past year, this happened 15 years ago. You claim this is the only time you've ever done something like this. You also point out that your husband took a very, very aggressive action when someone at your work came on to you. And if the statement I quoted above is true, then there's 15 years of being a good woman separating you from that one night you cheated.
> 
> Again, there's no easy answer, so let me put it in the context of my life.
> 
> My wife ran into an old high school boyfriend at a club during a bachelorette party. She drank too much, spent time dancing with him and ended up in his car "making out". I found out within 24 hours. I divorced her. Here's the thing though, I saw it in her eyes the moment she stepped off the plane and asked her what's up, she just shook her head. Eventually she told me what she did (and I never even asked if she actually had sex). It was too much for me. I knew I would never trust her again and I would become insecure, I knew I couldn't live that way, it would be just too much.
> 
> To this day I miss her, but I still believe I did the right thing. I knew I couldn't live with the uncertainty. I hated that she did what she did, but I hated more who I would become, an insecure man, I just couldn't handle that.
> 
> If it was me, in your husbands shoes right now, and I could make the magical decision to know something that happened 15 years ago, or not know it, I would choose not to know. (Although having the decision offered to me would make me have to know, but you get what I mean.)
> 
> Again, its important to put this into CONTEXT. If a woman has truly been faithful for 15 years, and I was the husband, and I had a chance to NOT KNOW what she did one night, and that KNOWING this would completely destroy my present life, the good 15 years, the years before that fateful night and the foreseeable future. I-Would-Not-Want-To-Know.
> 
> Call me selfish, but it's her burden, let her suffer, don't bring me down with you. I didn't do the one-nighter, she did.
> 
> T


The problem is other people already know. People are lousy and keeping juicy secrets private. 

Believe me more people know than she knows about knowing.


----------



## matt82

SomedayDig said:


> Page 10 with 6 posts by OP.
> 
> See ya's.


Yep.

I suspect there was a lot more to this story than the OP provided. It really seemed like a ploy for sympathy.



> I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days.


I would be surprised if she only met up with Tom once.


----------



## Tony55

Tony55 said:


> Imagine you know a secret about a person who had sex with someone outside of their marriage 15 years ago.
> 
> Here are some of the conditions:
> 
> You're 100% certain that the only person who can ever reveal the secret is you.
> You're 100% certain that the spouse who cheated did it once.
> You're 100% certain that the family is happy.
> You're 100% certain that the spouse will never do it again.
> You know the entire family, they are all friends of yours. (added edit)
> What do you do?


So, here are the responses to the question above:

Aug: Depends how close you are to that person. Depends how much you know about that person.
SomedayDig: I would not be a friend any longer.
Malaise: It's better for the OP to control the who,when and why than someone else.
Keko: The only answer to your question is if that person is of good moral character or not.
Kindi: I'd turn and walk away and let them live their own lives.
Doc_Martin: I think she is faced with a worse and worser (I know it's not a real word choice)
Walkonmars: IF it was only the OP that knew the secret then yes take it to the grave.

It looks like 7 out of 7 people responding to my *above scenario* would not personally tell the spouse.

Other replies, _ones that were not answered in the spirit of the above scenario_, seem to be of the opinion that since other people know about the OP's infidelity, the OP should tell her husband before someone else does.

_(And of course there's the chorus of opinions that honesty, from day one, is the best policy, but I think we can all agree on that.)_

So, should we conclude that the bases for the argument to tell the husband is because other people might tell him? And if that's the case, then if I removed that potential element (as I did in my fictitious scenario) would it be safe to assume that absent someone else revealing the secret, the argument would be for the OP to not come clean to the husband?

I'm not asking this question to further my agenda, I get no benefit from that, I'm asking because I want other people to understand *what's driving the push* for a spouse to reveal something that she has done once, 15 years ago.

T


----------



## D GEE

Finely got some sleep. 11 hours. Doctor visit was emotional. He prescribed Xanax. Xanax works great. It really took the edge off. I am thinking much more clearly now. He made an immediate referral to a therapist. That visit also went well. Andy now knows about my betrayal. I didn't go into any details, but told him I love him dearly but that there was a fling years ago. He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep. I spent the night at my sisters home. We are scheduled to see the therapist together tonight. She thinks she can mediate a confession without graphic detail. God I hope.


----------



## Ikaika

D GEE said:


> Finely got some sleep. 11 hours. Doctor visit was emotional. He prescribed Xanax. Xanax works great. It really took the edge off. I am thinking much more clearly now. He made an immediate referral to a therapist. That visit also went well. Andy now knows about my betrayal. I didn't go into any details, but told him I love him dearly but that there was a fling years ago. He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep. I spent the night at my sisters home. We are scheduled to see the therapist together tonight. She thinks she can mediate a confession without graphic detail. God I hope.


If he asks for details give it to him... No trickling of the truth. Give the details he wants to know. I do wish you the best. I really hope your marriage can survive. Take care


----------



## keko

D GEE said:


> Finely got some sleep. 11 hours. Doctor visit was emotional. He prescribed Xanax. Xanax works great. It really took the edge off. I am thinking much more clearly now. He made an immediate referral to a therapist. That visit also went well. Andy now knows about my betrayal. I didn't go into any details, but told him I love him dearly but that there was a fling years ago. He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep. I spent the night at my sisters home. We are scheduled to see the therapist together tonight. She thinks she can mediate a confession without graphic detail. God I hope.


Just say you had sex with tom and jim on one night and that's it. I don't think you should ever mention how you enjoyed the threesome at all, that will haunt your husband for the rest of his life.


----------



## btdt

drerio said:


> If he asks for details give it to him... No trickling of the truth. Give the details he wants to know. I do wish you the best. I really hope your marriage can survive. Take care


Agree...and at the very least he needs to know that this involved two OM, who they are and who knew about it.

Congratulations on taking a very hard first step.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snap

Keko, enjoyed it?! Come on, we all know how lousy affair sex is, straight from every wayward's mouths.


----------



## Hicks

The worst mistake you can make is to confess you did something, but not confess the entire truth. Think about that very carefully... What purpose does it serve to not tell him the graphic detail?


----------



## mel123

D GEE said:


> Finely got some sleep. 11 hours. Doctor visit was emotional. He prescribed Xanax. Xanax works great. It really took the edge off. I am thinking much more clearly now. He made an immediate referral to a therapist. That visit also went well. Andy now knows about my betrayal. I didn't go into any details, but told him I love him dearly but that there was a fling years ago. He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep. I spent the night at my sisters home. We are scheduled to see the therapist together tonight. She thinks she can mediate a confession without graphic detail. God I hope.



D Gee,
congratulations for taking the first correct step forward...This is old news to you. But to your H the emotions are like it happened yesterday.

Watch the Xanax a good drug for temporary use, but you can get hooked quickly


----------



## Tony55

D GEE said:


> Finely got some sleep. 11 hours. Doctor visit was emotional. He prescribed Xanax. Xanax works great. It really took the edge off. I am thinking much more clearly now. He made an immediate referral to a therapist. That visit also went well. Andy now knows about my betrayal. I didn't go into any details, but told him I love him dearly but that there was a fling years ago. He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep. I spent the night at my sisters home. We are scheduled to see the therapist together tonight. She thinks she can mediate a confession without graphic detail. God I hope.


At this point it might be a good idea to just ask him to read this thread. It sucks, I know, but it is what it is now. He'll probably see this thread as the closest thing to the truth.

Good luck to you and your husband, I sincerely hope things work out. It's going to be tough.

T


----------



## My_2nd_Rodeo

warlock07 said:


> Woman who file false rape are worse than scum. They deny credibility to original rape victims. You should be ashamed to suggest this.


Yep, like my wife when I busted her... she said the OM "[email protected]" her (had to get a [email protected] exam in the ER after telling the State Troopers). 

She is scum for that... I tell her that is the most evil lie she could ever tell.

Even now, she has the audacity to still flip-flop on her story (she was, but she wasnt, then she was, then she wasn't really, then it was her fault, then it was him pinning her down... now she's back to she was). I've told her to never mention it to me again - oh, and I am going to poly her eventually.

FYI - that put me in a position to have to defend the OM to the police with the evidence I had.


----------



## costa200

> He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep.


That's a VERY nice guy you have there...


----------



## matt82

D GEE said:


> Finely got some sleep. 11 hours. Doctor visit was emotional. He prescribed Xanax. Xanax works great. It really took the edge off. I am thinking much more clearly now. He made an immediate referral to a therapist. That visit also went well. Andy now knows about my betrayal. I didn't go into any details, but told him I love him dearly but that there was a fling years ago. He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep. I spent the night at my sisters home. We are scheduled to see the therapist together tonight. She thinks she can mediate a confession without graphic detail. God I hope.


So did you tell him or did Eric out you?

Just give him every detail that you can remember. Don't sanitize or leave out any of it.

Good luck!


----------



## happyman64

D GEE said:


> Finely got some sleep. 11 hours. Doctor visit was emotional. He prescribed Xanax. Xanax works great. It really took the edge off. I am thinking much more clearly now. He made an immediate referral to a therapist. That visit also went well. Andy now knows about my betrayal. I didn't go into any details, but told him I love him dearly but that there was a fling years ago. He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep. I spent the night at my sisters home. We are scheduled to see the therapist together tonight. She thinks she can mediate a confession without graphic detail. God I hope.


Good idea with the mediator. Be honest. And if he asks tell him.maybe the therapist can talk him out of the details.

Good Luck


----------



## Jeffery

snap said:


> D GEE, the only reason you are here is because you are cornered.
> 
> You didn't give a damn about it for these 15 years: nobody would hold it that long if it was eating them from inside. The way you describe the encounter suggests the memories are not entirely unpleasant and were perhaps regularly revisited.
> 
> The only reason you stressed now is because you are blackmailed. It has nothing to do with remorse.
> 
> Your only avenue now is disclosing the truth preemptively before the husband will learn from others. It will not be pretty, and he will doubt everything about your life together. I would too, and frankly, I have my doubts if that was your only rodeo. It takes certain mindset and lack of inhibitions to get into a threesome with total strangers, even when one's single.


 when looking at 15 years I realy do think that the above is very true.
D see how bad you feel X this by ten for your betrayed Husband: Have you given any thought atg all during the past 15 years at how you have destroyed your BH?


----------



## Vanguard

OP I will try to be as delicate as I can while still being honest. 

I honestly think this is good for you. This is the best thing that could have happened for you because to be frank, you have been a terrible person for fifteen years. Whatever you believe about yourself, whatever good things you think you have done, you have been lying to your husband every second every day for fifteen years. That makes you a terrible, terrible person. 

Also, you must come to terms with the fact that the only reason you are here looking for help is because now the truth is about to come out- it's inevitable. Your remorse was nowhere to be found as long as you thought no one would out you, and if this had not happened, you would have continued to lie to your husband for another 15 years. There are not the behavior attributes of a human being. It is that of a narcissist. 

However, this is often what happens: people rarely choose to become better- we are usually forced into growth. You refused to be accountable a long time ago, and as you continued to reject the cup it festered more and more. Now life is forcing you to drink it; tastes awful, doesn't it? Good. Because it will help you become a good person. As you go through this process, hopefully your focus in life will shift from yourself to others. I see from your posts that your goal is to mitigate the impending storm, and this is natural, albeit extremely selfish. My hope for you is that as you go through this ordeal you will begin to care for your husband like you should.


----------



## Vanguard

mel123 said:


> Fellow posters,
> 
> Your thoughts on this;
> 
> 1) When should OP tell her 3 kids (23,20,16) ?
> 
> 2) should she tell them ?
> 
> 3) if so how should she tell them if she does?
> 
> 4)Any other thoughts about the kids?


Thing about kids is that they usually know even before they "know." Infidelity permeates every orifice of a family and its stink infects it. Young people are perceptive, and although they don't actually know what happened, they have been emotionally evolving all this time to deal with it, because it's been with them.


----------



## Tony55

I'm sitting here thinking about D Gee's husband Andy; this holiday season is going to suck for him, I hate this. I know there was no "good" solution to this, both options were bad, to tell or not to tell.

I hope D Gee tells him to come here for support; maybe we'll see an Andy Gee soon.

T


----------



## barbados

@ Tony55, I've really appreciated your level headed responses to this, and I agree that the upcoming holidays will be rough for him. 

I have to admit that your arguments really swayed me more than I would have thought possible as to whether or not she should tell, as my natural response would have been for her to tell him. With that being said I could argue along the same lines that should she now give all the "gory" details or just admit to cheating 15 years ago ? A very hard pill to swallow to admit something like a 3 some. I'm asking this as a question and admitting I don't have an answer.


----------



## theroad

D GEE said:


> I did not call them gentlemen. I was making the point that they were not FORCEING ME to do anything.


 Originally Posted by D GEE 
We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. 


I said gentlemen.

You said: I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening.

Gentlemen verses incredibly polite to me is the same.

After all they asked you several times was that it ok to keep banging you. 

You, by your own words, are minimizing what you allowed these two OM to do to you, and trying to find something positive about two guys that banged a drunk married woman.

This is why when you tell your BH about the affair do not blame the alcohol, and tell your BH how nice, incredibly polite, or any other positive adjectives to describe these two low life's.

He will not see them as gentlemen.


----------



## Malaise

barbados said:


> @ Tony55, I've really appreciated your level headed responses to this, and I agree that the upcoming holidays will be rough for him.
> 
> I have to admit that your arguments really swayed me more than I would have thought possible as to whether or not she should tell, as my natural response would have been for her to tell him. With that being said I could argue along the same lines that should she now give all the "gory" details or just admit to cheating 15 years ago ? A very hard pill to swallow to admit something like a 3 some. I'm asking this as a question and admitting I don't have an answer.


He'll want to know the lengths she went with OM. He at this point doesn't know that there were 2 OM. For H to forgive (possibly) and R (also possibly) at this point he has to know the whole story. Not selected bits to make her look less bad.

To be honest, if she admits to a threesome, that she seemed to enjoy, with two men, it would be tough for H to think well of her.

That puts her in a tough spot. But trickle truthing will only make it worse.


----------



## theroad

I am glad you told your BH.

I am not happy to hear that you spent the night away from your BH. Your place was to be in your marital bed, not to have sex, but for your BH's mental health. How do you think your BH could be secure enough sleep with you not being there?

You prevented your BH having peace of mind, and the physical comfort of just being able to hold you.

I think your next step is to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Wishing you and your BH heal from this.


----------



## Shaggy

You've taken the first hard step to relieving you stress. The next one will require you to be very brave. You need to tell the complete and total truth, including what you did with the two guys, and what their names are.

You need to understand that any lies or withered facts are more betrayal of your husband. Right now you are begging for forgiveness of betrayal 15 years ago, don't add new betrayals to what you need forgiveness for.

However this turns out I strongly encourage you to use this experience and talk with younger women that you know. Pass onto the that doing stuff like this does catch up with them eventually. The only way to avoid getting bit by the truth is never doing the crime.


----------



## Shaggy

2asdf2 said:


> This worries me. He may need the graphic detail, and you should be prepared to give it to him.
> 
> With some luck, he may not need it.
> 
> Good on you that you accepted the anti-anxiety medication and found it helpful.


This! It sounds like your sister is planning on hiding details and telling lies by omission. Very very bad idea.


----------



## jim123

Make sure you control the early part of the conversation. Start with how you feel about him. How you hate what you did. How you wish it never happened. How hard it was to live with what you did.

Practice and say what you need to say. You may not get another chance.

Do not compound your mistake. Your opening thoughts will set the tone.


----------



## Malaise

D GEE said:


> Finely got some sleep. 11 hours. Doctor visit was emotional. He prescribed Xanax. Xanax works great. It really took the edge off. I am thinking much more clearly now. He made an immediate referral to a therapist. That visit also went well. Andy now knows about my betrayal. I didn't go into any details,* but told him I love him dearly but that there was a fling years ago.* He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep. I spent the night at my sisters home. We are scheduled to see the therapist together tonight. She thinks she can mediate a confession without graphic detail. God I hope.


If you have an hope at all for a R do *not * use the word fling.

A 'fling' is something innocent, lighthearted. A frolic.

This was anything but.

Threeway sex with 2 men. How many hours? How many times?

No condoms?

This was just sex, hot cheating sex.

Words mean things.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

D GEE said:


> Finely got some sleep. 11 hours. Doctor visit was emotional. He prescribed Xanax. Xanax works great. It really took the edge off. I am thinking much more clearly now. He made an immediate referral to a therapist. That visit also went well. Andy now knows about my betrayal. I didn't go into any details, but told him I love him dearly but that there was a fling years ago. He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep. I spent the night at my sisters home. We are scheduled to see the therapist together tonight. She thinks she can mediate a confession without graphic detail. God I hope.


Truth is stranger than fiction afterall, I guess.

How about this for a novel idea, just do whatever you want.

You've done it anyway for most of your fake existence, why stop now?

You're born alone, and you die alone, so it's all about you, right? Right?

God forbid he gets the "graphic details", I mean, truth, and you have to look yourself in the mirror.

We wouldn't want that now, would we? I mean, poor wittle you, we ALL know your unreasonable husband is just BOUND to take a MMF threesome in the back of a van behind his back COMPLETELY out of context!


----------



## Ikaika

D GEE

You made an important step in coming to terms with revealing this dark secret to your H. You and he (Andy) will need more time to digest this new reality (and it is new), but you really should come back here. There is a wealth of field experience to tap into from BSs and WSs alike. Don't try to make this sojourn alone. 

It will be very tough, but I for one would like to see your marriage survive. You will continue to hear harsh tones, but don't let that paint your determination to save your marriage. And, make no mistake you will have to do greater than the lion share of work toward R if that is possible. I told in the beginning don't just tell your story and pack up and leave because it get too uncomfortable. 

Come back. Some of us may be able to help. Take care


----------



## Tony55

barbados said:


> With that being said I could argue along the same lines that should she now give all the "gory" details or just admit to cheating 15 years ago ? A very hard pill to swallow to admit something like a 3 some. I'm asking this as a question and admitting I don't have an answer.


I believe once a spouse is aware of the infidelity then all bets are off, everything is on the table, even the decision to stay married, and any lying from the WS at that point completely undermines potential reconciliation.

Barbados, I understand what you mean about the "gory" details. In my opinion, graphic details don't need to be mentioned unless the BS asks for them specifically. I also believe that it's the WS's duty to try to convey those details in as humble and cautious a manner as possible. I don't think any good will come from being too graphic (although trying to sugarcoat it isn't a good idea either). Maybe a good rule of thumb is to think of the advice an attorney gives a client, tell the truth in the deposition, don't answer anything unless you're asked, and don't ramble on.

*This thing is now in the control of the BS, it's now his game, she will need to play it by his rules; if he demands the gory details, then she needs to give them to him, but with tact.*

T


----------



## Entropy3000

Tony55 said:


> No, my question didn't have a wing-man. The date if the present time, and you have the information mentioned in my first post about the fictitious scenario. It is 15 years later.
> 
> What do you do?
> 
> T


I think I was clear. I would not have hidden this information at anytime.
That makes me complicit. 

But this is moot now. And it is NOT about me or you.


----------



## D GEE

Not a good meeting at the therapist. She did the vast majority of the talking. She explained to him the possible reasons why women break the trust of a marriage. He didn't want any part of her dialog. He just wanted to know specifics. She insisted that she would not confess on my behalf, the specifics would have to come from me. I couldn't talk. I had no voice. I was trying to tell him how much I love him. She explained that her experience and instincts tell her that my unfathfullness was an impulsive and one-time occurence. He wanted to know when? And who? I gathered myself for about 10 seconds to tell him that it was so long ago, and that it was so out of my character that if he would just give it some thought he would see that it was not a reflection on us. It was me who feels completely humiliated. I then told him it was a 1-night-stand with 2 guys. From that point on I couldn't look at him. I sobbed for next 3 hours. The therapist controlled the remainder of the meeting. Very little emotion from him. He seemed stunned. He got up and left the office and told me not to come home. He wanted time to think. I know him very well. I think my marriage is over.


----------



## dogman

D GEE said:


> Not a good meeting at the therapist. She did the vast majority of the talking. She explained to him the possible reasons why women break the trust of a marriage. He didn't want any part of her dialog. He just wanted to know specifics. She insisted that she would not confess on my behalf, the specifics would have to come from me. I couldn't talk. I had no voice. I was trying to tell him how much I love him. She explained that her experience and instincts tell her that my unfathfullness was an impulsive and one-time occurence. He wanted to know when? And who? I gathered myself for about 10 seconds to tell him that it was so long ago, and that it was so out of my character that if he would just give it some thought he would see that it was not a reflection on us. It was me who feels completely humiliated. I then told him it was a 1-night-stand with 2 guys. From that point on I couldn't look at him. I sobbed for next 3 hours. The therapist controlled the remainder of the meeting. Very little emotion from him. He seemed stunned. He got up and left the office and told me not to come home. He wanted time to think. I know him very well. I think my marriage is over.


I still don't understand why you didn't listen to Tony55. This confession was to make you feel better I guess. I don't think it has. You made your second huge mistake at the therapist office. There is no way a man can hear his wife cheated and not HAVE TO KNOW the details. I will be amazed if you salvage this.

Sorry. Your on a long tough road.


----------



## Ikaika

D GEE

I am really sorry that things did not go well at the therapist. Give him time, then ask him to give you the chance to tell the whole truth if he still wants to hear it. I think you have been told already, don't make it about you. You may feel ashamed, but he is deeply hurt beyond what you can possibly imagine. 

Wait, don't push, for an opportunity to tell him you want to save the marriage. That opportunity will usually be noted by him being more verbal. Be careful with too many "I love you" at this point, it rings hollow.

How about you ask him if you can come over to get the laundry. You clean his clothes (not there) and deliver it back to him. Also deliver dinner, etc. you need to say less and try to do more. Men see love through actions... You have a lot to make up for the threesome act. Don't write it off yet. Stay busy doing for him... This is no longer about you.


----------



## happyman64

And DG

Keep in Mind this is all "fresh" and a big shock to him.

You need to be honest, remorseful and patient.

He is going to go through a range of emotions.

Be ready......

Be open.

And keep telling him how much you love him and how sorry you are or causing him pain.

HM64


----------



## tom67

happyman64 said:


> And DG
> 
> Keep in Mind this is all "fresh" and a big shock to him.
> 
> You need to be honest, remorseful and patient.
> 
> He is going to go through a range of emotions.
> 
> Be ready......
> 
> Be open.
> 
> And keep telling him how much you love him and how sorry you are or causing him pain.
> 
> HM64


Better he find out from YOU first not cousin's stbxh you knew it would have been a matter of time I'm sorry jmo.


----------



## SomedayDig

tom67 said:


> Better he find out from YOU first not cousin's stbxh you knew it would have been a matter of time I'm sorry jmo.


Precisely.


----------



## snap

Look at the upside: you got rid of the blackmail issue. So now, only one problem to focus on.

Do whatever your husband tells you to, hell, ask him to tell you what you should do. You don't get many shots at this.


----------



## Chaparral

An old ironworker told me many years ago there are two times you are supposed to lie, one ...to keep from getting hurt (physically), two...to keep from hurting someone else (mentally/psychologically).

There is no upside for this to have been revealed. Everyone, husband, wife, children are now under the bus. It will never be as good as it was. This family has crashed and burned with our urging.

This grieves me to no end.


----------



## snap

Chapparal, her problem was not our urging. Her problem was an extramarital threesome which she was now blackmailed with.

She is an agent with free will. She had her advice here and she followed it. It's perhaps a better outcome than disclosure from her alcoholic in-law.


----------



## TCSRedhead

You did the right thing. Finding out from you is better than someone else. Holding back details that he is asking for is lying by omission. He needs you to be open and honest if yo expect him to consider working past this with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

All we know is that she is out of the house now. That isn't an improvement in any of her families lives. She has punished herself for fifteen years and now its even worse.

Honesty is the best policy.........usually. If it were always the best policy spys wouldn't lie, there are many exceptions...........destroying a happy family is just one.


----------



## WyshIknew

D GEE said:


> Six years ago a co-worker of mine started making very uncomfortable advances towards me at work. I told my husband about the situation and he had a heated face-to-face meeting with the guy. My husband told the guy and also our boss that he would do anything to protect our family. The guy was terminated shortly therafter.



I don't want to give you any unnecessary cause for alarm but you mention that in the therapy session your husband wanted to know who.

As your husband had a heated face to face with the other guy in your work incident he might take it further with these two guys.
I don't really know what the answer is as I would not recommend lying as your husband does not deserve lies. I would also not contact the two guys to warn them as your husband would see this as caring about them.


----------



## Chaparral

On a lighter note, every man on this forum has lied to his wife, "oh, it tastes great, no your butt dosn't look big in those jeans, I love a double chin."

And wives ? Your the best lover ever, its really a bit too big, I'm coming, your the sweetest man in the world etc. etc, ad nauseum.


----------



## WyshIknew

chapparal said:


> On a lighter note, every man on this forum has lied to his wife, "oh, it tastes great, no your butt dosn't look big in those jeans, I love a double chin."
> 
> And wives ? Your the best lover ever, its really a bit too big, I'm coming, your the sweetest man in the world etc. etc, ad nauseum.


This is true Chapparal, but in her case, now that the cat is well and truly out the bag she can't say "I don't know who they were" as the 'who' is very likely to come out.

She just has to hope that he does not punch the snot out of these two guys.

Am I just being alarmist here?

It just seems that with his track record this could be a problem.

Is there anything people could suggest to help OP stop him going down this route if it seems likely?

He's just had his heart ripped out, the last thing he needs is to be arrested for assault.


----------



## bfree

chapparal said:


> On a lighter note, every man on this forum has lied to his wife, "oh, it tastes great, no your butt dosn't look big in those jeans, I love a double chin."
> 
> And wives ? Your the best lover ever, its really a bit too big, I'm coming, your the sweetest man in the world etc. etc, ad nauseum.


I do not tell those lies to my wife. Those are lame responses to fitness tests and those answers are the surest way to fail. I prefer honesty amd integrity in my marriage. If I cannot hold my head up high I'll always be running into things.

Edit to add: I would want to know if I was being deceived, lied to, cheated on, etc. Better to know you are being wounded when it first happens than let it fester and get infected.


----------



## Numbersixxx

chapparal said:


> On a lighter note, every man on this forum has lied to his wife, "oh, it tastes great, no your butt dosn't look big in those jeans, I love a double chin."
> 
> And wives ? Your the best lover ever, its really a bit too big, I'm coming, your the sweetest man in the world etc. etc, ad nauseum.


You sound a lot like Cypher, asking Agent Smith to put him back in the Matrix and making him forget about reality. 

Or to quote Ingsoc party line: 'ignorance is strength'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ikaika

I think we need to all calm down and allow D GEE's H time to get through this initial phase. It simply is not useful to be Monday morning quarterbacks. She may know her H, but she is also very emotional and talking on very hyperbolic terms. And, he has never had to deal with such a situation. So it may not be over yet. 

Remember she was able to keep silent for this long and I think if she realized should could have continued her silence she would have never come to TAM asking for help. So I for one don't find it is helpful to D GEE to browbeat the issue any longer. We need to put it to rest and focus on D GEE and her H and what they are going through. Their marriage may not survive, but I for one would like to help as much as I can. to give glimmer of hope. Let's just try to refocus the attention back to them. Please. 

D GEE,

Please come back even for the little things. It will be a long painful road. And, I will say again, I would hope that this 20+ year marriage can survive. Time will be both your friend and at times your foe.


----------



## Chaparral

Quest. II. What causes will excuse us from confessing wrongs to others?

Answer. 1. When full recompense may be made without it and no forgiveness of the wrong is necessary from the injured, nor any of the aforesaid causes require it. 2. When the wrong is secret and not known to the injured party, and the confessing of it would but trouble his mind, and do him more harm than good. 3. When the injured party is so implacable and inhumane that he would make use of the confession to the ruin of the penitent, or to bring upon him greater penalty than he deserveth. 4. When it would injure a third person who is Interested in the business, or bring them under oppression and undeserved misery. 5. When it tendeth to the dishonour of religion, and to make it scorned because of the fault of the penitent confessor. 6. When it tendeth to set people together by the ears, and breed dissension, or otherwise injure the commonwealth or government. 7. In general, it is no duty to confess our sin to him that we have wronged, when, all things considered, it is like in the judgment of the truly wise, to do more hurt than good for it is appointed as a means to good, and not to do evil.


----------



## FryFish

> I know him very well. I think my marriage is over.


Your marriage was over 15 years ago when you CHOSE to ... do what you did.... Since then its just been an illusion.


----------



## tom67

She was in a no win situation with the potential blackmail her health was quickly deteriorating how much longer could she have kept it a secret? I personally think she did the right thing in a really bad f^cked up situation that she put herself in I hope h takes his time and thinks this through.


----------



## bfree

chapparal said:


> Quest. II. What causes will excuse us from confessing wrongs to others?
> 
> Answer. 1. When full recompense may be made without it and no forgiveness of the wrong is necessary from the injured, nor any of the aforesaid causes require it. 2. When the wrong is secret and not known to the injured party, and the confessing of it would but trouble his mind, and do him more harm than good. 3. When the injured party is so implacable and inhumane that he would make use of the confession to the ruin of the penitent, or to bring upon him greater penalty than he deserveth. 4. When it would injure a third person who is Interested in the business, or bring them under oppression and undeserved misery. 5. When it tendeth to the dishonour of religion, and to make it scorned because of the fault of the penitent confessor. 6. When it tendeth to set people together by the ears, and breed dissension, or otherwise injure the commonwealth or government. 7. In general, it is no duty to confess our sin to him that we have wronged, when, all things considered, it is like in the judgment of the truly wise, to do more hurt than good for it is appointed as a means to good, and not to do evil.


You're quoting the Puritans? I think we've come a little too far for that rhetoric. If you want an apropriate quote try this: Sins, like chickens, come home to roost - Charles W. Chestnutt

The truth is that D Gee should have told her husband when it happened. Now that everything has comeout (as it always does) she will have to deal with the aftermath of her actions with the addition of a 15 year lie as a cherry on top of that crap sundae. Now it is all up to her husband. If he gives her the opening to save her marriage she needs to be 100% truthful and transparent.


----------



## mel123

drerio said:


> Remember she was able to keep silent for this long and I think if she realized should could have continued her silence she would have never come to TAM asking for help. So I for one don't find it is helpful to D GEE to browbeat the issue any longer. We need to put it to rest and focus on D GEE and her H and what they are going through. Their marriage may not survive, but I for one would like to help as much as I can to give advice for that glimmer of hope. Let's just try to refocus the attention back to them. Please.
> 
> D GEE,
> 
> Please come back even for the little things. It will be a long painful road. And, I will say again, I would hope that this 20+ year marriage can survive. Time will be both your friend and at times your foe.


:iagree:


----------



## Tony55

D Gee, there's no second guessing, forget that, you're committed to battle now; you either fight your way out or your marriage dies.

This is a firefight; you don't have the luxury of reconsideration, digging a hole and hiding, or waiting for the cavalry to come save you, this is the real deal, shoot to kill, save your ammo, keep your head down and watch your back and listen to your team leader (your husband). If he says move, you move, if he says quiet, you become a mouse, if he says he needs a sitrep (situation report), you give it to him and your life (the life of your marriage) depends on it's accuracy.

I know you're stressed, and I know the Xanax helps, but don't let it dull you're senses too much; careful with that or you won't be on your 100% game.

Don't depend too much on the counselor either, it's good you went to one, but, as you've seen, a counselor isn't a magician.

And as WyshIknew mentioned, the "who" thing is a major concern; I was worried about that. I know if it was me I would go after Eric first, for having the audacity to call and threaten my wife, and the other two guys only if they knew me at the time they did what they did (believe it or not).

There are a lot of people on here who know how to help a WS try to reconcile (that's not my strong suit); I'd listen to them.

I'm guessing the two main hurdles your husband needs to contend with initially would be...

My wife did two guys one night (who is this woman I married?)
What else has she done (what don't I know?)
And then there's an unimaginably long list of thoughts that will follow.

Hang in there, I'm sorry for you both. Remember, what you're feeling right now is incomparable to what your husband is feeling.

T


----------



## jnj express

I think, and this is only me, you might have gotten away with having sex with one guy----but admitting you took on 2 guys at once----it's just a whole different ballgame-----its like you just wanted to be a sponge and let allcomers have at you

It matters not that you claim, you were drunk, and you were taken by raging hormones---your H, ain't gonna understand that----in his mind you were a punching bag for 2 guys---his wife---the women he loved, the mother of his children---takes on all comers-----THAT IS WHAT HIS SUB--CONSCIOUS IS SCREAMING AT HIM

Also whether you want to face it or not---he now has visions of multiple men, crawling all over you, probably doing multiple acts at the same time-------YOUR H, is very likely in a state of MAJOR SHOCK, and his sub--conscious is now running wild

In all honesty hiding this from him till now is the worse thing you could have done---had you told him, right away----the 2 of you still had small kids, and that would have figured into his thinking about whether to stay or go----that NO LONGER IS A FACTOR----so his decision, is gonna be based on whether he can ever tolerate you again---whether he wants to touch you/look at you/talk to you, EVER AGAIN

It matters not how it was presented---it was WHAT was presented to him, and what was presented is the FACT that his wife that he has loved all this time, was just a punching bag, sex wise, for multiple men---- I ain't sure you can overcome that------it is a whole different ballgame than you having sex one on one, with one man.


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## Vanguard

tom67 said:


> She was in a no win situation with the potential blackmail her health was quickly deteriorating how much longer could she have kept it a secret? I personally think she did the right thing in a really bad f^cked up situation that she put herself in I hope h takes his time and thinks this through.


She didn't do the right thing. She did the only thing she was able to do. Everything she has done, including her recent confession, has been for the purpose of saving face. She wouldn't have admitted to having sex with multiple men simultaneously if she didn't know he was about to find out.


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## Shaggy

Ok, you've answered the first of his questions. He is in shock and he now needs time to process the shock. It's true that he will never view you the same as he did, but you never viewed him the same after your threesome did you? He was always the full husband, and you were the wild one who took on took guys. 

Now he is adjusting to the truth. It was truth that you put into motion 15 years ago, and it is truth that he was going to find out.from you or from someone else. This is your very best chance of saving your marriage.

You did good by telling the truth. Now give him space, and when he does ask questions answer them truthfully. Your honestly will work in your favor in the end.

No one said this was going to be easy. It's going to hard, but you will come out of without the dark secret test you've been hiding.


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## 3putt

WhiteMousse said:


> She didn't do the right thing. She did the only thing she was able to do. Everything she has done, including her recent confession, has been for the purpose of saving face. She wouldn't have admitted to having sex with multiple men simultaneously if she didn't know he was about to find out.


You know, I was feeling sorry for her at the beginning of this, but I really don't now. The only person I have sorrow for is her poor husband that has had this betrayal laid in his lap, and having to realize his entire marriage has been nothing but a lie. I can't even begin to imagine what that poor guy is going through right now. I've been through 2 infidelities, but this, I just don't get it.

Lord, protect and heal this man.


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## WyshIknew

chapparal said:


> An old ironworker told me many years ago there are two times you are supposed to lie, one ...to keep from getting hurt (physically), two...to keep from hurting someone else (mentally/psychologically).
> 
> There is no upside for this to have been revealed. Everyone, husband, wife, children are now under the bus. It will never be as good as it was. This family has crashed and burned with our urging.
> 
> This grieves me to no end.


No don't necessarily agree here.

As FryFish pointed out this family crashed and burned when the OP (A married woman and mother) had sex in a truck. 

In. A. Truck.

With two men. She then went back to an apartment and continued having sex for an hour or two.

She didn't accidentally fall on to two penises, or 'make a mistake' She willingly and enthusiastically (from what she posted) had hot sex with two men. Do you not think her husband had a right to know about this?

Beside which, what must her life have been like these last 15 years? Never knowing if her husband was going to find out one day, always having that fear at the back of her mind.

Every time her husband told her "I love you", every time he gave her a gift or surprise holiday or whatever on their anniversary. Every time they heard about friends or relatives having fidelity problems in their marriage. Every time they saw a film together with infidelity at the heart of it.

This must surely have eaten away at her soul, her self esteem. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if the mental problems she is experiencing now are a culmination of all those years of worry and disgust in herself.

Can they reconcile? I don't know, others on this forum have reconciled from worse situations.

It certainly sounds as though she is truly remorseful and that her husband does love her very much so part of the battle is won, only time will tell now.


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## aug

I suppose getting caught (or soon to be) can make one seem remorseful. But I wouldnt say this is true remorse. 

From her first post she still remembers the "incredible passion". Someone who regretted her action for 15 years would not remember it as incredible passion after 15 years. I would expect any and all related feelings to be repugnant.

Most likely, as another had stated, she had revisited that event in her mind many times with fondness. It has now been seared into her head as an incredible time.


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## dogman

snap said:


> Chapparal, her problem was not our urging. Her problem was an extramarital threesome which she was now blackmailed with.
> 
> She is an agent with free will. She had her advice here and she followed it. It's perhaps a better outcome than disclosure from her alcoholic in-law.


I dispute that her telling him is any better than hearing it elsewhere. She only told because of a threat by the cousin in law. The rest of the 15 years she was guilt free. She would have been just fine if this never came up again.

Her husband will know that she told only because she had to not because she lives and respects him so much. In fact she resisted telling even in MC.

Now, anyway you slice this the BH knows she cheated in a threesome and other people knew about it because she told them not him about it. If I were him I would assume many more know about it.

Truthfully, I would have called the bluff and wait to see if the cousins husband ever told. Stressfull yes but better chances of keeping the rest of your family from this stupid pain and destruction because she drank and had a threesome 15 years ago.

She did the worst thing you can do cheat in a group sex situation, I think keeping the secret after 15 years is not adding much to the scale on the side of what she has done wrong. She should have told the next day and given him the choice to move on without her or to build the family with honesty. Now it's a mess.


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## dogman

chapparal said:


> On a lighter note, every man on this forum has lied to his wife, "oh, it tastes great, no your butt dosn't look big in those jeans, I love a double chin."
> 
> And wives ? Your the best lover ever, its really a bit too big, I'm coming, your the sweetest man in the world etc. etc, ad nauseum.


Haha!.... Wait....she was lying? Hummmff!


----------



## dogman

WyshIknew said:


> This is true Chapparal, but in her case, now that the cat is well and truly out the bag she can't say "I don't know who they were" as the 'who' is very likely to come out.
> 
> She just has to hope that he does not punch the snot out of these two guys.
> 
> Am I just being alarmist here?
> 
> It just seems that with his track record this could be a problem.
> 
> Is there anything people could suggest to help OP stop him going down this route if it seems likely?
> 
> He's just had his heart ripped out, the last thing he needs is to be arrested for assault.


 Does anyone else think these two guys should have the snot knocked out of them? It would be justice no matter how many years later. Or is there a statute of limitations on banging someone else's wife?
And it would be cathartic for the husband. 

I'm not suggesting this, just making an observation.


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## snap

dogman said:


> She did the worst thing you can do cheat in a group sex situation, I think keeping the secret after 15 years is not adding much to the scale on the side of what she has done wrong. She should have told the next day and given him the choice to move on without her or to build the family with honesty. Now it's a mess.


Better yet not banging the two. The point is moot now. I still think that her coming clean on her own, even if her hand was forced, is less traumatic than hearing it from someone else and then getting the confirmation out of the W by interrogation.


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## Vanguard

snap said:


> Better yet not banging the two. The point is moot now. I still think that her coming clean on her own, even if her hand was forced, is less traumatic than hearing it from someone else and then getting the confirmation out of the W by interrogation.


Only if her husband really, really doesn't think about it. I mean, he would have to make a decisive effort to ignore reality. I suppose some superficial people with superficial thinking would be able to say "Well it happened so long ago, she's obviously changed." Her only hope is that her husband is that naive, and absent-minded. Anyone who searches through this will very quickly realize- 

All this time she's been hiding. She's been lying and has somehow found the emotional fortitude (or depravity, I don't know which) to live a lie every second of her life with him. Every time she cooked a meal with him, every time they made love, every single second they slept together, she was lying. If he ever happens upon that one single, simple yet damning truth, he's leaving.


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## D GEE

Hi all,
Andy and I and our daughters had dinner together tonight. We met at a restaurant we often frequent. He briefed the girls on our problems last night. He said that both of them seemed to be content with knowing just general stuff. No details. They each called me and texted me after his talk. Very emotional phone calls. They seem to be very supportive of both of us. Our youngest daughter has a photo shoot scheduled for Wednesday. She's a budding model and is constantly working on enhancing her portfolio. She's never wanted me to attend her previous shoots. But she asked me and her sister to come to this one.

As some of you have already warned, Andy seems committed to knowing DETAILS. What positions I was in. What the guys were saying. What I was saying. If I orgasam'd. How many times they orgasam'd. I seriously don't see how any of that will help. I HONESTLY don't remember most of that. But I know he wants answers, and he won't accept "I don't remember". It's almost like he is forcing me to lie.


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## Shaggy

her husband deserves the truth.

he hopefully now has it.

The truth is the marriage ended when she cheated with two guys - it's been running for the last 15 on lies and deception. Despite her claims to the contrary, she changed when she cheated and did a threeway with the two dudes. No one could have done that and not become a different person. The husband married one woman, he's been living for 15 with another.

He now has the truth that he is deserved and he has the chance to evaluate the woman who wants to be with him, if he'll have her. She made her choice 15 years ago, now it's his choice to make.

This situation is absolutely tragic. A good father and husband should never have to deal with this kind of betrayal. No one should. 

There is the fundamental issue that we have not discussed, and that is the kind of person the OP was 15 years ago that let her agree to have sex with two men. she had 3 kids and a husband, and even drunk she knew that what she was choosing was absolutely wrong. Yet she chose it.

To the OP, If I were you I would seek out and emphasize the changes you've made in yourself in the last 15, and all the good things you done for your husband in the last 15 as well. Show him that after such a horrible betrayal with two men, than you changed and became faithful and committed to him. 

Now, if in the last 15 you weren't focused on making him the happiest man alive, for example if you've denied him sex, especially recently cut him off and made excuses, then you've got a major hurdle to overcome, because if he's felt like you've been a great wife, it's likely he will forgive and stay. 

If on the other hand, you had a night of passion with two guys, and then came home an treated him badly and denied him sex, then he's not a happy camper to start with.


----------



## Shaggy

D GEE said:


> Hi all,
> 
> 
> As some of you have already warned, Andy seems committed to knowing DETAILS. What positions I was in. What the guys were saying. What I was saying. If I orgasam'd. How many times they orgasam'd. I seriously don't see how any of that will help. I HONESTLY don't remember most of that. But I know he wants answers, and he won't accept "I don't remember". It's almost like he is forcing me to lie.


Has he asked for the names of the two men? If so give them.

It is acceptable to say to him, I was very very drunk, and I honestly don't recall. It was a blur. It was a viscous nasty betrayal, and I'm sorry for doing it. I must have enjoyed it enough to do it, but I don't remember details, just a blur. I will tell you what I do recall, but it's been 15 years and it's very fuzzy. I can say it wasn't something that I did ever again, so it wasn't like it's something I've ever wanted again.


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## Ikaika

Don't lie, no matter hard it is to retell. I know you may not remember every detail but try your best to give him as much as you recall. And, put it to him just like that. It may be horribly degrading to have to recall this to him, but you need to and for your sake do so with remorse. As long as the remorse is genuine. No more faking and no more lies - has to be the way if you want a chance. 

You have a lot of repair to do on your part. Thank you for the update and take care.


----------



## 3putt

D GEE said:


> Hi all,
> Andy and I and our daughters had dinner together tonight. We met at a restaurant we often frequent. He briefed the girls on our problems last night. He said that both of them seemed to be content with knowing just general stuff. No details. They each called me and texted me after his talk. Very emotional phone calls. They seem to be very supportive of both of us. Our youngest daughter has a photo shoot scheduled for Wednesday. She's a budding model and is constantly working on enhancing her portfolio. She's never wanted me to attend her previous shoots. But she asked me and her sister to come to this one.
> 
> As some of you have already warned, Andy seems committed to knowing DETAILS. What positions I was in. What the guys were saying. What I was saying. If I orgasam'd. How many times they orgasam'd. I seriously don't see how any of that will help. I HONESTLY don't remember most of that. But I know he wants answers, and he won't accept "I don't remember". It's almost like he is forcing me to lie.


Here is something you need to read. Perhaps it will help you to understand the why part of him needing details. But the bottom line is you OWE him everything he asks to help him heal. Just imagine this is your BH's letter to you.

"Joseph's Letter"



> "To Whomever,
> 
> "I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
> 
> "You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.
> 
> "Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
> 
> "So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
> 
> "So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."
> 
> (end of Joseph's Letter)


----------



## D GEE

wow


----------



## walkonmars

The good news is he's giving you a _chance_. Don't blow it.

I like Shaggy's suggestion as it is probably the truth. Include that you are ashamed of your actions on that night and remind him that if he recalls, to this very day, you never again went out with your cousin or any other girls to a dance club.


----------



## Malaise

D GEE said:


> Hi all,
> Andy and I and our daughters had dinner together tonight. We met at a restaurant we often frequent. He briefed the girls on our problems last night. He said that both of them seemed to be content with knowing just general stuff. No details. They each called me and texted me after his talk. Very emotional phone calls. They seem to be very supportive of both of us. Our youngest daughter has a photo shoot scheduled for Wednesday. She's a budding model and is constantly working on enhancing her portfolio. She's never wanted me to attend her previous shoots. But she asked me and her sister to come to this one.
> 
> As some of you have already warned, Andy seems committed to knowing *DETAILS. What positions I was in. What the guys were saying. What I was saying. If I orgasam'd. How many times they orgasam'd. I seriously don't see how any of that will help. I HONESTLY don't remember most of that. But I know he wants answers, and he won't accept "I don't remember". It's almost like he is forcing me to lie.*


He wants to know this for a reason:

If you did it more than once, you must have enjoyed it.

If you O'ed more than once, you must have enjoyed it.

If the positions were different than what you and H do, then you were more free with them, not him.

If you allowed them to do things that you don't allow your H to do.

If they, or you, spoke 'dirty' and you don't with your H...

Do you see?

He has to know what you are capable of, especially if you don't do this with him. And why not with him?

Why not with him but two strangers?


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## D GEE

I did tell him their names, and that I knew them from High School. Andy didn't even move here untill he was in his mid 20's. He did not know either of them.


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## SomedayDig

Here's the deal. You DO remember. As a matter of fact, you remember it in great detail. The question is, are you going to tell him the details or just claim "I don't know". Which by the way, I can tell you from experience, he will resent you way more when he finds out the truth. Just ask my wife who is on the forums here. She hid the truth that she didn't think I could handle for 6 months. Guess what? When she finally had the balls to tell me, it brought me back to Dday. I got to start building my trust from the beginning.

Don't do it to him. You know what the f you did. Hell, you told us how nice the guys were and how polite they acted. You know. Don't play us.


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## 3putt

D Gee, our imaginations tend to run buck ass wild upon Dday, and it can get quite imaginative. In this case, the fact that there are 2 OMs at the same time and I can't even begin to imagine where his thoughts are right now. The deepest, darkest pits of Hell would be my best guess. Telling the details may actually help him as they may not be as awful as the picture his imagination is painting for him .

However, he needs to understand that if this is what he truly wants, it's a bell that can NEVER be un-rung. 

Ever.


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## bfree

3putt,

You are brilliant. Exactly.

I never got this from my ex. She never expressed or felt remorse for what she had done. She didn't want to reconcile even though I wanted to at first. She refused to give me any details. Consequently even though we divorced I could not move on.

Eventually I remarried but I carried that hurt and mistrust into my current marriage. I never got closure. I addressed these trust issues with my wife and she encouraged me to contact my ex to try to get questions answered, to try to get closure. I found my ex was still as bitter and uncaring as the last time we spoke. But seeing this did give me closure.

D Gee, your husband must have closure whether you stay together or not. Otherwise he can never get his mind around what he has just learned. He needs answers to get that closure. Please help him and hopefully help yourself in the process.


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## Acabado

What happened that night doesn't look like like the porn movie he has on his head. At All. And he already has the mind movies only he's filling the gaps wioth his imagination.
Imagine... double BJ, then spit roast, then DP, then double... then double... then... for hours and hours... and he hear the voices and he see your face...

Tell him the truth. Be gentle, be caring but truthfull.

Get a couple of bags in case anyone needs to puke.


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## 3putt

bfree said:


> 3putt,
> You are brilliant. Exactly.


Hardly brilliant bfree, just a little wiser in the underbelly world of adultery. I would trade that accumulated "wisdom" in a second to erase the mental movies and pain I have suffered over the years because of 2 infidelities.

I used to be ignorant to these types of boards existence. Wish I still were but, glad they're here.

Then again, if I had known sooner about the online help available I may not have gone through all I have to begin with.

Hindsight's a painful beeyotch!!

:slap:


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## happyman64

D Gee

Keep being honest.

Answer his questions.

Be open with him. 

And keep telling him how much you love him and how horrible you feel for hurting him.

*I think he is handling himself well.

So give him the respect that he has shown you so far.*

HM64


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## Ikaika

Remember this happened 15 years ago for you, but for him, it happened yesterday (not literally), but it might as well have. So I can understand his not accepting "I don't remember". The best way to remember, is to put it on paper. I am old school and I think it has more meaning if get away from any electronic device and get out pen and paper and put down on paper, literally. The brain has a way of working memory magic when we use our hands.

This also gives him a hard copy copy and what he does with it, is up to him. Simply my advice.


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## Acabado

Happyman is so right.
He's handling himself very very well.
You should tell this and thank him.


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## jnj express

You may not remember each and every tiny detail, as to exact positioning, and small things that happened in your sexual acts----but I am very sure it is burned indelibly, on your mind---how you got to that point---and do not say it was a mistake---cuz it wasn't---it was a series of choices made by you------it was a series of choices, made knowing you were a mother of young children, and had a good H, at home, yet those choices that were bent on ruining the mge, and the lives of your kids were made---so do not try to downplay what you did

Right here on this site you have given us some detail----and you better believe you know, what kind of satisfaction you got, and how it was achieved, if there was long drawn out foreplay---how much passion was involved-----you know all of those things---how do I know you know them---CUZ THEY HAVE BEEN THE FESTERING CANCER OF YOUR GUILT FOR 15 LONG YEARS-----you know what happened, and you know detail---so stop lying to us, and don't lie to your H.

His sub--conscious needs to fill in the gaps, so his imagination stops running wild on him------this IS PART OF HIS HEALING PROCESS----stop being selfish, and start being selfless, you answer each and every question that comes your way, even if it is asked a hundred times---YOU ANSWER, and you do it happily, in fact you should be down on your knees, humbly thanking any and everyone---that your H, went to dinner with you.

Also he may wanna know, why you found it necessary as a wife, and mother, to go out carousing with your GF, ignoring the fact that you had taken SACRED VOWS, to be his wife truly and forever, which you threw away real quick, as you went out dancing with other men, which led to all of this. 

All of this needs to go out on the table---if you want ANY CHANCE OF HAVING A DECENT R----

You might get the barebones attempt at R, and you might get what I am not sure you deserve, that being a full out 2nd chance------do not screw it up, by lying and telling him you don't remember---cuz you better believe you DO REMEMBER.


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## 3putt

D gee, this is what I would suggest. Talk to your BS and ask him to give you a week to write out a detailed time line of what occurred that night. Also, make him aware of what I said about unringing the bell when it comes to getting this kind of info. Hopefully he will step back and take a serious look at just what he needs to know to make a decision on what he wants to do.

In the mean time, you start writing (in your own handwriting, not typewritten) and divulge everything that happened. Don't pull any punches and convince yourself you can get away with this or that because you didn't tell your cousin (?) everything. Do it because it's the right thing to do. I can't imagine the last the last 15 years of your life have been too fun to live carrying around this burden and baggage. This isn't just about his healing, but about yours as well.

What's done is done. You can't change the past, but you can change the future from this point forward....but it all falls on if you're a big enough person to realize enough is enough of living like this.

It's up to you. You've done things so wrong for so long. Wouldn't you like to look in the mirror in the not so distant future and realize the person that you have been for so long doesn't exist anymore?

The truth truly does set you free.


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## Tony55

I'm not taking a position on how far to go with the details, I don't know where you draw the line. I do know that truth and details aren't one and the same, there's the truth about having infidelity and then there's the truth about the details.

A betrayed spouse will want to dig to the core of the details, but regardless of how far you go, it'll never be enough; what they think they need to know isn't necessarily what they really _Need_ to know. And this is the dilemma, how do you tell a BS that this is as far as the details need to go, it's impossible, you can't, they don't have any clue about how much is too much information, they want it all; but "it all" will take it's toll on them psychologically.

I'll give a few examples and let you decide for yourself, like I said, I don't know where the detail line is...

A fighter pilot knows, conceptually, that he killed people, but in the debrief he isn't given a graphic account of what damage he caused at an individual level, he's spared the permanent psychological damage of knowing that he just (for example) removed the head and legs of a 4 year old girl in a light blue dress playing outside.
A firefighter doesn't go home, and explain in graphic detail, to his wife about the charred remains of a family.
A police officer doesn't tell the family of a car accident victim the gory details of what he witnessed at the scene.
An EMT doesn't come home every night to tell his wife what it's like to hold someones body together while they race to the hospital.

When's the last time you've seen a picture of a train derailment or plane crash in which you saw the graphic, gory mess of body parts strewn all over the place?

We all have a duty to protect ourselves and our loved ones from things that are so heinous as to cause permanent psychological damage, post traumatic stress disorder is a real thing, and it doesn't just happen in combat.

Like I said, I don't have the answer, but I feel compelled to offer a counter balance to the discussion of details.

T


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## Shaggy

Honestly, his imagination is creating an amalgamation of every three way porn film he has ever scene, the girl is enthralled in the deepest most passionate sex ever. When either guy touches her she is in ecstasy. Everything both guys do is perfect and beyond the ability of mere normal men who only inspire their wife to lie there and do her duty.

You need to dispel this crap from his head


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## WyshIknew

Chapparal, I think D GEE might benefit from your wayward spouse thing that you sometimes put up.
It might give her a clue as to what her husband is going through and what she needs to do.


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## The Cro-Magnon

What kind of milquetoast man could take back a woman that let 2 men fcuk her at the same time? My mind reels at the thought.

Is there ANYTHING that is a dealbreaker anymore?


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## WyshIknew

The Cro-Magnon said:


> What kind of milquetoast man could take back a woman that let 2 men fcuk her at the same time? My mind reels at the thought.
> 
> Is there ANYTHING that is a dealbreaker anymore?


Well actually reading the thread I notice that;

A. He has not as yet taken her back.

B. From her description of her hubby he confronted a man who tried to get inappropriate with her some time ago. Hardly a 'milquetoast'.


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## The Cro-Magnon

WyshIknew said:


> Well actually reading the thread I notice that;
> 
> A. He has not as yet taken her back.
> 
> B. From her description of her hubby he confronted a man who tried to get inappropriate with her some time ago. Hardly a 'milquetoast'.


I was under the impression they were on a rickety road to reconciliation, given the fact he is meeting with her to discuss the issue, when I am left wondering what is there to even discuss?

A 3 some in the back of a van, and no insta-dismissal?

Leaves me wondering if there is ANYTHING that is an instant deal breaker anymore to the modern male.


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## dogman

As far as the details, I think it's good for her to write it down but only for herself. He should not have it to look at when ever he wants.

Plus the details will need to be told in a homogenized way. Truth, yes, but kinda dumbed down.

Every guy has seen porn threesomes and right now that's what he imagines. We all know that actual sex is rarely like a porn movie and I'm sure D Gees event was not as smooth and perfectly pornographic as a movie. He needs to hear the ways he is wrong about it. I'm sure it was awkward and not as great as an imagination would suggest.

These no way to make this ok but you can make it worse if your not careful.


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## Malaise

dogman said:


> As far as the details, I think it's good for her to write it down but only for herself. He should not have it to look at when ever he wants.
> 
> Plus the details will need to be told in a homogenized way. Truth, yes, but kinda dumbed down.
> 
> *Every guy has seen porn threesomes and right now that's what he imagines*. We all know that actual sex is rarely like a porn movie and I'm sure D Gees event was not as smooth and perfectly pornographic as a movie. He needs to hear the ways he is wrong about it. I'm sure it was awkward and not as great as an imagination would suggest.
> 
> These no way to make this ok but you can make it worse if your not careful.


:iagree:

This is exactly right.

This is what he is imagining. We all would. And the thought of his loving wife, partner and mother of his children being used like that, as a toy by TWO men, must be painful beyond words.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Malaise said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This is exactly right.
> 
> This is what he is imagining. We all would. And the thought of his loving wife, partner and mother of his children being used like that, as a toy by TWO men, must be painful beyond words.


Factor in she had 3 kids with her youngest being 1 - 2 years old when she was in the back of a van with 2 men - men that she went to HS with - and it would make me terribly upset if I was her husband. The only thing on her side is that it happened awhile ago and her husband can weigh the good times he had with her from that moment on. But man, this would be an extremely tough pill to swallow.


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## happyman64

:iagree:

Plan 9 is right. This will be tough for him to swallow.

DeGee
Remember that he will be thinking what kind of woman have I been married to all these years. My entire marriage is a sham.

You need to dispel these thoughts right away.

After you give him the details you need to reinforce how terrible you felt.

How wrong it was.

And that you reinforced your commitment to him and the marriage so this cheating would never happen again.

Leave no doubts in his mind. And keep reinforcing those positive thoughts to him.

HM64


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## snap

D GEE said:


> I HONESTLY don't remember most of that.


Oh please.


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## Tony55

D GEE said:


> What positions I was in. What the guys were saying. What I was saying. If I orgasam'd. How many times they orgasam'd. I seriously don't see how any of that will help. I HONESTLY don't remember most of that. But I know he wants answers, and he won't accept "I don't remember". It's almost like he is forcing me to lie.


D Gee, the only reasons I can imagine someone not remembering some of the broader details of what happened would be if:

They were so absolutely drunk that they simply don't remember.
They had done this so many times that they can't remember that specific time.

But you said earlier, _"Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times."_ so you couldn't have been *THAT* drunk, not if your intent was to "catch-up on old times".

On the other point, you need to be careful, if this was a one time thing you should remember it more clearly.


Remember, in the spirit of helping your husband through this emotionally, I think you need to frame your answers in a way that it allows him to know the facts without completely killing his image of his wife. Right now he's envisioning an absolute wanton sexually crazed woman being used by two men; it's best you quell that part of the image as much as possible, for his own good, not yours. Whether you stay together or not, he's going to live with whatever image he comes away with after these talks, do the right thing.

T


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## theroad

[*]A firefighter doesn't go home, and explain in graphic detail, to his wife about the charred remains of a family.
[*]A police officer doesn't tell the family of a car accident victim the gory details of what he witnessed at the scene.
[*]An EMT doesn't come home every night to tell his wife what it's like to hold someones body together while they race to the hospital.
[/LIST]



The firefighter did not have an affair at the fire.

The police officer did not have an affair at the accident scene.

EMT was not banging his OW in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Would you like to continue comparing apples to oranges?


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## Vanguard

D Gee please refer your husband to this forum.


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## bfree

WhiteMousse said:


> D Gee please refer your husband to this forum.


Might not be a bad idea. He will of course hear from some who will advise him to end the marriage due to your betrayal. But he will also hear from many who will help him to work through his anger, grief and PTSD. There are many reconciliation threads on TAM and people that have been through it. At this point what have you got to lose.


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## Vanguard

bfree said:


> Might not be a bad idea. He will of course hear from some who will advise him to end the marriage due to your betrayal. But he will also hear from many who will help him to work through his anger, grief and PTSD. There are many reconciliation threads on TAM and people that have been through it. At this point what have you got to lose.


He should be able to hear from people who think he should leave. I'm one of them.


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## Ikaika

WhiteMousse said:


> He should be able to hear from people who think he should leave. I'm one of them.


So you are asking D GEE to invite her H to come to TAM so you can tell him to leave her. You probably should hold your cards closer to your vest next time. 

From the little she has described of him (Andy), I think he is sensible enough to make a sound decision on his own based on their situation. We need to be mindful that these are people who are *both* hurting and need support and salient advice based on who they are and the dynamics of their marriage. So, having said that, it may be helpful if he were part of the discussion. But we should give them time and space, they certainly need it if they are going to R. I sit in the other camp, but then again it is not my life and I can't make decisions for either of them.


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## costa200

Woman is minimizing even here... Doesn't remember... Right... Cuz you are going to forget about the night where you got banged by two dudes at the same time!

Unless, of course, that's a so common occurrence that it gets fuzzy! I'm willing to think this is not the case and that you will remember anything you need to remember. 



> , I think you need to frame your answers in a way that it allows him to know the facts without completely killing his image of his wife.


I have a pretty darn feeling that this boat has sailed...



> We need to be mindful that these are people who are both hurting


Yes, one is hurting because he was cheated on. The other is hurting because she had to confess to something she believed for 15 years she got away with! So, let us also not get overboard with the feel good stuff and avoid feeding the entitlement fantasy that was surely built all these years.

The only reason her husband gets a chance to now decide if he wants to be with this sort of woman is because she was cornered. 

Make no mistake, if it was her husband instead of her here i would personally advise him to seriously consider dumping her and get a DNA test for all his kids. 

While i can be swayed to try and help a remorseful cheater who screwed up and owned up to her/his sh!t immediately (see Tears thread for example) i have no sympathy for someone who lies for 15 years and basically steals someone's life like that.


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## mel123

WhiteMousse said:


> He should be able to hear from people who think he should leave. I'm one of them.


WhiteMousse, Mr. Gee (Andy) will most likely not want to live alone. If He D.. D Gee at his age he wont find anyone unless they themselves have been D 1 or 2 times. That spells "baggage" they may have even been a cheater ( an unknown). At least as far as we know D Gee has been a good and faithful wife for 15 years and he no doubt loves her.

The ball in now in his court and its his decision , as it should be. However if he D her , he would still forever be connected to her through their children an all the years they spent together. And I don't believe a D would make his pain go away.

The fun was all hers and the pain and grief is all his. So I understand what you are saying. But D may create more pain for him, not less because he does love her.


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## costa200

mel123 said:


> WhiteMousse, Mr. Gee (Andy) will most likely not want to live alone. If He D.. D Gee at his age he wont find anyone unless they themselves have been D 1 or 2 times. That spells "baggage" they may have even been a cheater ( an unknown). At least as far as we know D Gee has been a good and faithful wife for 15 years and he no doubt loves her.
> 
> The ball in now in his court and its his decision , as it should be. However if he D her , he would still forever be connected to her through their children an all the years they spent together. And I don't believe a D would make his pain go away.
> 
> The fun was all hers and the pain and grief is all his. So I understand what you are saying. But D may create more pain for him, not less because he does love her.


That's like a poster for sunk cost dilemma... Is being afraid of not getting something better and time invested in what proves itself to be a lie a good reason to keep slogging away in a relationship?

This is basically one of the reasons why it is strategically sound for a cheater to lie and conceal. If enough time passes maybe the sucker gets that kind of feelings and is stuck in the relationship. 

Bad policy IMO. I often say i would divorce a cheater in my death bead, and i mean it, in a heartbeat. My sense of justice has no place for rewards for lies and concealment, no matter the time frame.


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## dogman

You know...if this was about her cheating with one dude 15 years ago, as her husband, I would be crushed and most likely be able to eventually get past it. I would rake her over the coals and I would suffer for a long time.

But...her cheating with 2 dudes is just sl utty and I would be really hard pressed to even look at her again. And if I did have to look at her again I would behave so badly I would hate myself.

So...if this guy manages to work this out with DeGee, he is a better man than me. And I do believe a great man could get past this because I actually believe she loves him and has been a sincerely good wife with an ability to compatmentalize sex and love in two different drawers. The problem is, I'm not that good of a man, my mind would eat me alive.

And I seriously don't believe she can't remember the details. Her saying this makes me think it was not her first threesome. She must have been very active before Andy. 

Hey, maybe Andy knows she was pretty wild and he's not all that surprised that she did the threesome. If this is true then maybe he can work through it.

It all depends on Andy and his knowledge of his wife.


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## mel123

dogman said:


> It all depends on Andy and his knowledge of his wife.


:iagree:


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## Vanguard

drerio said:


> So you are asking D GEE to invite her H to come to TAM so you can tell him to leave her. You probably should hold your cards closer to your vest next time.
> 
> From the little she has described of him (Andy), I think he is sensible enough to make a sound decision on his own based on their situation. We need to be mindful that these are people who are *both* hurting and need support and salient advice based on who they are and the dynamics of their marriage. So, having said that, it may be helpful if he were part of the discussion. But we should give them time and space, they certainly need it if they are going to R. I sit in the other camp, but then again it is not my life and I can't make decisions for either of them.


I don't play cards. You're missing the point of what I'm saying. 

Right now he's in an environment where everyone is telling him to stay with his wife, and giving him reasons to stay with his wife. It is extremely one-sided. There is no objectivity. I thought you and I were cool-- you should know my only agenda is Justice, not deceit.


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## SomedayDig

Jeeezus.

270 freakin posts and only 11 of them are by the OP. Anyone ever get the feeling of spinning wheels?


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## tom67

SomedayDig said:


> Jeeezus.
> 
> 270 freakin posts and only 11 of them are by the OP. Anyone ever get the feeling of spinning wheels?


That's what I thought.


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## mel123

WhiteMousse said:


> Right now he's in an environment where everyone is telling him to stay with his wife, and giving him reasons to stay with his wife. It is extremely one-sided.


Am I missing something?... How do we know what kind of environment her H is in? Is he reading this forum?


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## Tony55

Well, I'm sure Andy is going through hell right now.

I agree with the people who commented about the magnitude of it being a threesome, that really has to be an unbearable image for a spouse. It was hard for me to imagine the woman I love kissing and touching another man, but at least it was in the realm of feasibility. But two men? Beyond comprehension. I would've felt like I didn't know what was real in the world anymore, I would've questioned everything in my life at that point. It would seem to me that, if I missed something this outrageous, what else have I misjudged in my life, not just with my wife, but with everything.

Completely unsettling.

T


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## tom67

Tony55 said:


> Well, I'm sure Andy is going through hell right now.
> 
> I agree with the people who commented about the magnitude of it being a threesome, that really has to be an unbearable image for a spouse. It was hard for me to imagine the woman I love kissing and touching another man, but at least it was in the realm of feasibility. But two men? Beyond comprehension. I would've felt like I didn't know what was real in the world anymore, I would've questioned everything in my life at that point. It would seem to me that, if I missed something this outrageous, what else have I misjudged in my life, not just with my wife, but with everything.
> 
> Completely unsettling.
> 
> T


Sigh, you summed it up he's thinking what else did she do in those 15 years.


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## Tony55

tom67 said:


> Sigh, you summed it up he's thinking what else did she do in those 15 years.


And the 8 years prior to the threesome.

T


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## mel123

Tony55 said:


> It would seem to me that, if I missed something this outrageous, what else have I misjudged in my life, not just with my wife, but with everything.
> 
> Completely unsettling.
> 
> T


:iagree:

My heart goes out to him, being deceived then questioning "himself" how he could have missed it. 

good insight Tony55


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## Jeffery

she is not coming back: her BH might be just rug sweeping


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## kindi

WhiteMousse said:


> D Gee please refer your husband to this forum.


Great idea. Then all the posters can choose sides with half convincing him to forgive her and the other half giving him reasons to leave.

While it might be entertaining, this is actually the lives of two people we're talking about.

These forums are not designed to assist both sides of a marital dispute such as this one.


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