# Family Hates Husband



## VSJ3615 (Apr 14, 2016)

I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years now. We also have a 1 year old son together. Our marriage is not perfect. We have our ups and our downs but are working through it together because that is what married couples do. He was in the Military for quite some time and it kind of changed his attitude and outlook on different things. Sometimes he is more negative then he needs to be or is quick to jump to conclusions about others. I understand that this is something he needs to work on and so does he. I have explained to him that I can't keep living or be with someone who is constantly negative. He is trying his hardest to change his attitude but everything comes in time, it does not happen overnight and I understand that. This has just been over the last few months.

He went to school for 2 years and obtained his degree and has been searching for a job since December 2015. With that he quit smoking weed as he was searching for a job and would inevitably be drug tested by most employers hiring. He received a tentative job offer from a very reputable company and just needed to pass the drug test. We did not think anything of it as he has not smoked for 4 months. Well I guess he did not pass. But when I say did not pass I mean by like 2ng. The company has a limit of 15ng and he missed it by 2. Of course we were devastated and do not even know how that could be possible. I immediately jumped to conclusions that he was smoking behind my back but he insists that he has not. "Why would I smoke and ruin my chances of getting a job I really and truly wanted?" he says. It does make sense we were both wanting this job for him so badly. I know deep down he would not mess it up by getting high. We need the money and I know he wouldn't put our family in jeopardy like that.

My parents on the other hand insist that they know he is lying to me, and there is no other explanation in their eyes other than he has been smoking all of this time and just has no regard for our family and does not take care of us. They believe he has no humility (and they are partially right, he does have some problems that he is trying to work out, but has never been abusive to me or my son in any way or form) and told me to my face that she will take care of me and my son and take us in if we need to but there is only so many people she can allow into her house. Basically saying I will let you and your sons live with me but your husband has to live somewhere else. 

Like I said before he has not had a job for the past 4 months and has been looking and has a tentative job offer somewhere else with an extremely good government company. 

I guess my whole point of writing this is one to vent and two to get advice on what to do. My parents hate my husband and my husband gets upset with my parents because he knows they hate him and just feel like they think he is not good enough for me and that I should just divorce him. Which in my mind that is how I think my parents feel as well. They dont want me to be the sole provider they want him to be the sole provider and take care of me and my son, not the other way around. I love my husband and I know we are going through a rough time, but don't a lot of couples go through a rough patch? You are supposed to stick with each other and work through it correct? That is what marriage is all about.

I must mention i also work for my other in her company and we live really close to each other. She also told all of my coworkers and family that he failed his drug test and everyone basically knows that she hates him. It is so hard for me to just come into work today without crying non-stop. I hate to think that everything thinks my husband is a loser. Makes me think, how do they look at me? Do they look at me and say "aww poor thing. husband is a loser, she should just divorce him already"


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It has been my experience that families who "hate" the spouse/significant other, usually have a very valid reason for doing so, reasons that the other person in the relationship either ignores, doesn't see, or makes excuses for. Now, if your family is pretty much dysfunctional, then this wont apply...but if you have a normal family, maybe you should pay attention to their concerns. 

That said...re the drug test...my daughter stopped smoking for about 3 months prior to her job search, and did an at home drug test to make sure she was clear. I thought that was a smart idea.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good idea to have him take one or more at home drug tests. They are sold at drug stores. That way he can see what's showing up or not showing up.

There are also ways to detox before a drug test. Have you looked up to see who long pot stays in the system and thus can show up on a drug test?

Perhaps you need to look elsewhere for a job so that your mother is not in the middle of your marriage.

I do agree that very often, when family hates your spouse there is a good reason for it. Once he gets a job and shows for a period of time that he will willing to work to help support his family, their view of him will likely change.

On the topic if his negativity and anger, is he in counseling? Can't he go to the VA to get some counseling and help?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

VSJ3615 said:


> He was in the Military for quite some time and it kind of changed his attitude and outlook on different things. Sometimes he is more negative then he needs to be or is quick to jump to conclusions about others. I understand that this is something he needs to work on and so does he. I have explained to him that I can't keep living or be with someone who is constantly negative. He is trying his hardest to change his attitude but everything comes in time, it does not happen overnight and I understand that. This has just been over the last few months.
> 
> "Why would I smoke and ruin my chances of getting a job I really and truly wanted?" he says. It does make sense we were both wanting this job for him so badly. I know deep down he would not mess it up by getting high. We need the money and I know he wouldn't put our family in jeopardy like that.
> 
> ...


Ok, first, seriously? He stopped smoking in December and he couldn't pass the test in March or April? 

Second, is he going to therapy to stop the negativity? If not, then he's not really doing anything to fix it. He's just giving you lip service. 

Third, guys with 'issues' will revert to (or never stop) smoking just to 'get by' - they 'need' it. Unless he's going to therapy and has a sponsor to help him stop. I just don't buy it. 

Fourth, he's been out of school and out of work for at least three full, probably four full, months now. And he's content just to sit at home while you work? Nope, no way. He DESERVES their lack of respect. Unless you live in some tiny town with 300 people, he COULD find some work to help pay the bills. If he wanted to. 

Which he obviously doesn't.

Love is blind. They say that for a reason.


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## VSJ3615 (Apr 14, 2016)

Thank you for your responses and opinions. I do somewhat agree with my family, my husband does have some things to workout, and he could have just gotten a job at mcdonalds to help support our family. In the beginning of January he had interviews lined up and the tentative job offers so we have been waiting for those to be finished. That is also partly why he has not gotten a job. He does help out at my office and gets paid that way occasionally as well. If he is at home, he is doing either doing chores around the house or watching our son while I am at work since we do not have our son in daycare.

He is in counseling for the anger but the VA idea of counseling is 30 minutes every 5 weeks, which frankly I believe is not enough. Once he is able to receive better healthcare, we will be looking into getting a more regular schedule for counseling.

My family explained that they are upset because they feel that I deserve better, they want my husband to do everything for me, basically If I ask he does. Which some of the time he will do if I ask and some of the time he will not. 

I can not put the entire blame on my husband because I do have some anxiety issues and control issues I need to work out myself. I have a hard time letting go and usually just end up taking over because he is not doing it right or whatever. I never get angry with him about it because I know that is something that I need to work on for myself to better me and our marriage, But he also has stuff to work out. 

From what I can tell about my family they would just like me to get a divorce and all will be fine. But I have a hard time even thinking about that. Am I really just going to give up that easily? I am not even going to give it a chance? I would like him to get a job which he should be starting one next month once the background check is done, and move on from there. Work on one problem at a time.

I know some of you might say just leave and get out now, but when there is a child involved it is more complicated. I don't want to strip my child from his father and I dont want to take our son away from my husband. I would expect that if the rolls were reversed he would give me the same chance. 

It sucks knowing everyone is against you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He's lying about the MJ.

You know what people who aren't lying say when someone asks them if they've been doing something that they haven't been doing?

"No."

When people answer questions w/ questions, they're lying.

It's a subconscious method of delaying -- or, technically, avoiding -- a lie in a way that sounds thoughtful and sincere.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VSJ3615 (Apr 14, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> He's lying about the MJ.
> 
> You know what people who aren't lying say when someone asks them if they've been doing something that they haven't been doing?
> 
> ...


Well he said that during a long conversation we were having. It has always been "No I havent" The answer he formed in a questions was in response to why my family doesnt believe him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Keep your mouth shut to your family and they won't know what is going on. Your husband is transitioning from military life to civilian life which is two worlds apart. You haven't stated which female is giving you a hard time other than to identify her as the "other". She seems to have an ax to grind over your husband. 

Get the drug tests and use them regularly so you won't be blindsided when or if he fails. Also, check and see if he failed for marijuana and not another substance.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I've been smoking weed since I was 14. I'll be 32 in a couple of months. I've taken PLENTY of drug tests over the years (especially after I became a nurse when I was 25) and have never failed one.

I find it _highly_ unlikely he failed a drug test after being "clean" for 4 months unless he was a heavy and daily pot user for a long long period of time prior to stopping as he says.

As for the rest, you either need to stop telling your family what is going on with your own family/marriage or tell your mother to put a lid on it.

And as someone else recommended you can get an over the counter drug test kit for like $17 at Walgreens. I always take one of those before I have to take a drug test for someone else just to be on the safe side and know for sure.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Jasel said:


> I've been smoking weed since I was 14. I'll be 32 in a couple of months. I've taken PLENTY of drug tests over the years (especially after I became a nurse when I was 25) and have never failed one.
> 
> I find it _highly_ unlikely he failed a drug test after being "clean" for 4 months unless he was a heavy and daily pot user for a long long period of time prior to stopping as he says.
> 
> ...



I'm older than Jasel and I smoke MJ and take edibles. Never had an issue passing a drug test. I've always known about mine ahead of time and at 30 days clean there are no detectable levels. Your H is lying, he wouldn't have had those levels unless he was locked in a closet with Willy Nelson.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

If he's been "clean" for 3-4 months, he should have passed the test, hands down. Something doesn't sound right at all and this may be one of those cases where he is just telling you what you want to hear. Maybe this is why your mother isn't too fond of him? 

Either way, If you don't want your family to not like him, stop telling them about your marriage issues. Unless there is abuse, parents don't really belong in your marriage. Let them see kids, come to dinner, holiday's, etc. But do not tell them your big issues in your marriage. They will be bias to you because you are their child. It will also be hard for them to forget what he's done and will take a while for them to build rapport with him again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

VSJ3615 said:


> He is in counseling for the anger but the VA idea of counseling is 30 minutes every 5 weeks, which frankly I believe is not enough. Once he is able to receive better healthcare, we will be looking into getting a more regular schedule for counseling.


Of course he will. 

Let us know when this happens. Until then, we believe no lip service.



> My family explained that they are upset because they feel that I deserve better, they want my husband to do everything for me, basically If I ask he does. Which some of the time he will do if I ask and some of the time he will not.


So explain this.

Some of the time...he will not? Will not WHAT? WHY? What is his reasoning? Give me a REASON to believe in him. So far? Nothing. He's nothing more than a typical user male who convinces a woman to support him. Convince me that he is not.



> I can not put the entire blame on my husband because I do have some anxiety issues and control issues I need to work out myself.


Oh, let me guess. He has 'tried' to be understanding, he has TRIED to see why you are so uncomfortable, so hard to work with, but it's really stressful for him to accept you as you are.

Right?

Here's the bottom line.

There are roles for men and women in this world.

Your MAN'S role is to protect you, to support you financially. To ensure you have no worries about how you will feed your kids.

Is he doing that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have a colleague who hates her SIL.

This is because her daughter has, in the past, complained about her husband to her mother.

Mother can't get over what she was told.

And it is all her SIL's fault. But not really!

The truth is that her daughter is not perfect and has caused many of the problems in her marriage.

Not saying that is the case with you, but parents base their opinion of their children's spouses on what they see and also on what they hear when we complain about them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> It has been my experience that families who "hate" the spouse/significant other, usually have a very valid reason for doing so, reasons that the other person in the relationship either ignores, doesn't see, or makes excuses for. Now, if your family is pretty much dysfunctional, then this wont apply...but if you have a normal family, maybe you should pay attention to their concerns.
> 
> That said...re the drug test...my daughter stopped smoking for about 3 months prior to her job search, and did an at home drug test to make sure she was clear. I thought that was a smart idea.


I disagree with this - there are difficult son and daughter in laws, absolutely but just because a family hates the spouse of their adult child doesn't mean there's a reason for it. Some people just love to hate. My inlaws hate me, there is NO reason for this. I adore their son, love their granddaughter as my own, my family has welcomed her with open arms...I'm not who they would pick for their son, but it's not their choice, it's his. 



VSJ3615 said:


> Thank you for your responses and opinions. *I do somewhat agree with my family,* my husband does have some things to workout, and he could have just gotten a job at mcdonalds to help support our family. In the beginning of January he had interviews lined up and the tentative job offers so we have been waiting for those to be finished. That is also partly why he has not gotten a job. He does help out at my office and gets paid that way occasionally as well. If he is at home, *he is doing either doing chores around the house or watching our son while I am at work *since we do not have our son in daycare.
> 
> He is in counseling for the anger but the VA idea of counseling is 30 minutes every 5 weeks, which frankly I believe is not enough. Once he is able to receive better healthcare, we will be looking into getting a more regular schedule for counseling.
> 
> ...


Actually what I'd say is you need to grow up and stop talking to your family about your marriage! You're a grown woman, a wife and mother. Stop involving your family in things that are NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

If my MIL spoke to me like your mother speaks to your husband, I'd tell her to go get f'd.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Another marijuana user here. I have also been a recreational pot user for many years and through many drug tests. He should have tested well below threshold after 2-6 weeks if they tested urine and that's assuming regular, heavy, use over a long period of time prior to stopping. If they tested hair, however, it would show any use within the last 6 months.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Yeah, I find it hard to believe him about the drugs too. I think it'd be a good idea to make sure he does the tests at home first next time.

As for your family, they are way too involved in your business. Shut off the flow of information or you are only going to make your life harder.

As for whether they are right or wrong, there is no right or wrong. If marriage was easy, everyone would be succeeding at it. You are going through a tough patch, but that's normal. You have what you need to get through the tough times, and that's determination. Hold onto that and the vision of the potential for your relationship. Your family may try to tell you that it should be easy and everything you want should be handed to you on a silver platter but this attitude is the quickest path to failure in life and love.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

And another argument for medical marijuana and/or legalized marijuana. He's struggling and self-medicating. I know with my ex that pot mellowed him out a bit - still had anger issues (and other issues).

I wouldn't tell your family about any of that stuff. That's your business. It's different if he's hitting you and you need help exiting your marriage but unless you plan to divorce him, your marital issues stay in the marriage. If they ask how the job hunt is going, feel free to say he has had interviews but no offers but no need to say more.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Keep your mouth shut to your family and they won't know what is going on. Your husband is transitioning from military life to civilian life which is two worlds apart. You haven't stated which female is giving you a hard time other than to identify her as the "other". She seems to have an ax to grind over your husband.


I totally agree. Why does your family even know about the details of your marriage? If I was your husband, I would be so angry if my spouse told their family about my failed drug test. I think it's a betrayal. There is absolutely no reason for your family to be all up in your marriage business unless there is abuse.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Nothing good can come by inviting your family into the marriage. I know that my man smokes medically every day, has for years, and he can test negative before a month. Your family is too involved and your husband is lying. Offer to get a test and if he won't take it at will, then you KNOW he is full of it.


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## VSJ3615 (Apr 14, 2016)

Ok so explain this to me them. We did purchase an at home test and he passed it with flying colors. It was all negeative. Now i know most employers have a threshold of 50ng/ml and as as long as the THC is lower than 50ng you pass. 

The employer he tested for, their threshold was 15ng/ml. He failed and came in at 23ng/ml.

I beleive 23 is an extremely low number. Most of my employees who we recently tested, tested in the 200 or higher.

When he did smoke he was smoking quite a bit and it was oil concentrates. I dont know if that makes a difference.


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## VSJ3615 (Apr 14, 2016)

[/QUOTE]As for whether they are right or wrong, there is no right or wrong. If marriage was easy, everyone would be succeeding at it. You are going through a tough patch, but that's normal. You have what you need to get through the tough times, and that's determination. Hold onto that and the vision of the potential for your relationship. Your family may try to tell you that it should be easy and everything you want should be handed to you on a silver platter but this attitude is the quickest path to failure in life and love.[/QUOTE]


Thank you. I needed to hear that. I always watch tv shows and want what the tv relationships have but I know that is not real.

I believe that my mother has never had any real big marital problems so when she sees that I am she automatically thinks i should just leave. 

I on the otherhand want to work through it. I know we are going through a rough time. I know others are pissed and think he should be supporting me. Which he is trying. He is searching for a job and has a tentative offer with a very good company. But what if roles were reversed i bet my mother wouldnt be mad then. 

Just because he is a man he has to support me? I know plenty of woman who support their husbands and their husbands stay home with the kids. Now unfortunately that will not work for us, so he is working for that job. 

Everyone has rough patches in their marriage but they work through it and are stronger together because of it. Yes sometimes i am annoyed with my husband but isnt everyone annoyed with their husbanf every once in a while?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Of course we all get annoyed with our husbands sometimes OP, as they do with us I'm sure. The difference is that mature adults don't go running to their parents with all their marital woes. You're supposed to have your husbands back. If he can't trust you, who can he trust?

Your mother needs to butt out and mind her own business.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

VSJ3615 said:


> Ok so explain this to me them. We did purchase an at home test and he passed it with flying colors. It was all negeative. Now i know most employers have a threshold of 50ng/ml and as as long as the THC is lower than 50ng you pass.
> 
> The employer he tested for, their threshold was 15ng/ml. He failed and came in at 23ng/ml.
> 
> ...


How long ago did he take the test for employment?

The test done at a lab might be more thorough. He might want to go talk to the place that took the test. Do some research on false positives.

I wonder if there is a process for changing a drug test... like they might have mixed up his sample with someone else.


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## VSJ3615 (Apr 14, 2016)

He took it on monday and they did send it to a lab. They would not let him retest but would test the same sample if we have $200.00


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you have the $200, it might be worth doing. But read up on the topic first. 

What are my rights if my drug test yields a false positive? | Nolo.com

Failing A Drug Test Lawyers | LegalMatch Law Library


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

VSJ3615 said:


> Just because he is a man he has to support me?


ANY spouse who is not watching kids should be working. SOMEwhere. And if he isn't working somewhere, even at Taco Bell, he should be doing SOMETHING with his time to get more training or improve his chances. No tv, no weed, no games - WORKING. And that would go for you, too.


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## guy74 (Dec 24, 2015)

Imo something isn't right on the weed front. 

As for family, my inlaws never liked me until they saw me as a father and husband. Before that I was just another kid from a messed up home that they feared of drag their daughter into.

The best advice on here is to not bring them into you and your husbands personal lives.


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