# I need out



## doodleshoe (Aug 10, 2012)

We have two kids together, a 3 year old an a 1 year old. We got married because I was pregnant, and I think both of us knew at the time that it was a mistake. Fast forward three years, and I'm past the point of wanting to try to make it work. I don't care for him anymore, and I don't think there's anything that will ever change that. My husband is heartless, overbearing, and verbally abusive. He somehow lacks the ability to recognize that other people even have feelings at all. 

I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm scared of him. My heart starts to pound and I get cold sweats if his name even pops up in my email inbox during my workday. I take extra care to make sure that my voice has the right tone when I speak to him, so that he can't interpret anything I say as argumentative, and I make sure that the house is just right, so he won't find reason to get mad and start throwing things, yelling, and cursing. He's never hit me, but he put his fist through the wall over my head once during an argument. 

I want to leave. My issues are: 
-I work full-time, but I'm not in a stable place financially. I came into the marriage with a pile of credit card debt and a piece of rental property that is now in foreclosure. My credit is in the toilet, and I have no savings. 
-My kids are my everything. I cannot imagine spending one day away from them at this young age if I can prevent it. Additionally, I do not trust him to care for them on his own if we split custody. I fear for their physical safety and mental well-being if I'm not there.
-My support system is 400 miles away. I have lost all my friendships locally, because I have wanted to hide my unhappiness by just not being in a position to ever be asked "how are you?". 

After our last vicious argument via email this morning, and after I did not respond to his last email (which contained 17 f-bombs in 3 paragraphs), he has now decided that I need to go away on vacation by myself "to get a break". My first thought was "wow, that's an unusually nice gesture". My current thought is "he's going to change the locks and run away with the kids while I'm gone". 

I want to do the right thing for my kids. Am I enough of a parent for them on my own? Will they resent me taking them hundreds of miles away from their dad? Will they be worse off if I make them stay with someone so cold? I need advice, and I need reassurance. Thank you so much.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

doodleshoe said:


> I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm scared of him...He's never hit me, but he put his fist through the wall over my head once during an argument.


Sorry that you are in this situation. You had the misfortune to marry an abuser. It is okay to be scared, they are called abusers for a reason. They may not have hit you..yet



doodleshoe said:


> I want to do the right thing for my kids. Am I enough of a parent for them on my own? Will they resent me taking them hundreds of miles away from their dad? Will they be worse off if I make them stay with someone so cold?


The best thing you can do for your kids is to get you and them out of this relationship. You have survived this long, you will be plenty parent for them both. I would not worry to much about them resenting anything, they are under the age of three and will most likely never remember anything. 

I would recommend that you start to make a plan and preparations for getting out. Nothing obvious, don't tell your husband anything, but put away those things you will need. Copies of important papers, supplies, money, ect. Keep this stuff somewhere that he will not stumble upon it.

Contact the local victims shelter, I believe that some have a checklist of things to get you ready. If you have the means, contact a lawyer to discuss your rights. Find one with a free consult which can give you the basics.

Make sure you develop a plan and then execute your plan. Once you go there will be no turning back.



doodleshoe said:


> he has now decided that I need to go away on vacation by myself "to get a break". My first thought was "wow, that's an unusually nice gesture". My current thought is "he's going to change the locks and run away with the kids while I'm gone".


This is a little odd given what you have supplied. I would take it with a grain of salt too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, don't go on that vacation alone.

Not knowing here you live it's hard to know what to tell you. If you don't mind sharing, what country are you in and what country is your family in?

I agree that you need an exit plan. Do a good search on "domestic violence exit plan"

You need to build a support system


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## doodleshoe (Aug 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Not knowing here you live it's hard to know what to tell you. If you don't mind sharing, what country are you in and what country is your family in?


We're all in the US. My family and friends are a few states away. Last time I visited, I told my parents and best friend a little about what was going on, and they said they'd help anyway they can, which is great, in a vague sort of way. But I don't know what help to ask for. 

I guess there's also a big part of me that knows that, once I make this move, all our marital skeletons that I've carefully hidden are going to come out of the closet, and I'm not emotionally prepared to face - publicly or privately - the things I've let him get away with over the years. Any tips on how to get past that mental block of fear and shame? I tell myself that it's not my fault, but I did marry him knowing he was not a nice person. So it kind of is my fault. And I never drew any lines, except when it came to how he treated the kids. Other than that, I just withdrew further and further from him so the things he did would just stay on the surface. I need to know how to not be so scared all the time.


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