# Am I selfish...?



## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I will try to to give a background. DH has had periods of delayed ejaculation issues in our 17 year marriage that has created months of no sex. This is usually the routine that begins a no sex period. We will try to bring sex back into our marriage and it will start out great. He will be an attentive lover making sure my needs are taken care of. On his end, it can take up to 45 minutes and honestly I do reach a point of "lets just get this over with" because my desire has already gone after that length of time. So we will fall in a pattern that I go first and him second. Then he will decide for us that it isn't fair I go first and will start providing very little foreplay for me so we can get to him quickly or insist I hurry and get my own self off or insist he goes first. I will either end up with no desire to reach my goal because either my libido has dried up or he kind of acts like he is obligated but with no passion or no return at all. If he didn't reach his goal, then it is sort of a pat on the head and we tried and let's go to sleep and I am just dropped.

I know I am somewhat selfish on wanting to be first and I understand how frustrating it must be to deal with ED. I will admit I don't give a lot of foreplay to him down there in the beginning when we first get into bed. It either causes him to rush things or desensitizes. I also tell myself that is ok to not be goal oriented for myself and let him have all the fun once in awhile. But honestly, after it happens the first few times I start to lose interest in sex and it becomes boring and then we go on one of our no sex periods that usually last for months until the pattern repeats. 

He has made comments recently that I am being kind of self centered about seeing to my needs first and I have been giving in so I know we are in our downward spiral. I have talked to him about bringing in a new position or location or toys or anything to reverse it. He agrees with a smile that he would like that but won't follow through. I bought new lingerie and tried little subtle peep shows and flirting but not getting much back. The other day he asked if the new very sexy bra I bought was a suggestion because he has a couple stitches in his hand and can't do anything and I just told him it wasn't for him. I was frustrated.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm a little confused. Perhaps additional detail might be helpful?

If he has delayed ejaculation issues what difference does it make if you climax first? Is he suggesting that if he is unable to freely, from start to finish, chase his own orgasm then his ability to climax is interfered with to the point that it triggers his delayed ejaculation?

Is there a reason why you can't order your own sex toys? Why is it his responsibility?

I am sure not being able to climax must be highly frustrating for him but playing the blame game isn't going to make it go away and is going to cause a world of hurt to your relationship.

I get the feeling you two haven't yet been able to talk very openly about this. Being able to do that would be the most helpful thing here but also the hardest.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Okay, will try to explain a little better. The delayed ejaculation seems to happen whether I am first or him. He wants to go first because if his erection lasts too long it becomes desensitized or numb and orgasm will take much longer or sometimes not at all. After 45 minutes of oral, hand, whatever it takes it does get boring and sore. Then there is not any passion or heat left for me. In the past I have sort of taken the backseat to my needs because his ED has taken center stage. This time, when we tried to restart this part of our marriage, I told myself I wasn't going to continue that pattern because it always ends up with no sex after awhile. 

A couple weeks ago, he made a remark about how I have been first for awhile and it was selfish. I felt guilty and let him go first. After his release 40 minutes later, he was too sore and tired to reciprocate. About an hour later, he turned to me and said oh sorry I guess I messed up and will make it up next time. There hasn't been any next time. So to answer the why it matters who goes first is because there is a good chance whoever is second might not have completion.

I already got a few toys and lubes. I didn't ask him to buy it but to use them.

We have talked about this so many times and come up with agreements and plans but then when it is time for action he is like next time.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

onedge said:


> I felt guilty and let him go first.


Why are you two keeping score? 
Why does he care if you go first? 
HOW do you let him go first? Do you prevent yourself from orgasm? 
Why does he care if you go first? That should turn him on. Sounds like he's the selfish one.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

The ED has been a part of our sex life for many years. In the past, the ED has taken center stage. He was not able to orgasm during intercourse so foreplay was the only way for him to get satisfaction. We never knew how long he was going to be able to have an erection. So naturally lovemaking was geared toward him at the start. I seldom had release myself because after 45 minutes of no stimulation my drive to continue after his release would just disappear. It was hard to keep the fires rolling 45 minutes without adding any fuel. So yes I did start keeping score because I was frustrated and disappointed and didn't want to light the fire anymore. When we brought sex back into our lives a few months ago, I told myself no more of the old and I wasn't going to allow all the attention to go to his ED. I didn't realize he had a problem with me going first until a few weeks ago. I thought okay maybe this time things will be different and I can have satisfaction too instead of just a few minutes of foreplay. But no it was the same old thing as before.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Hey, I'm jealous that you two are able to have the conversation... 
For me, my wife will mentally get overwhelmed and "shut down", so she can not communicate. You just need to get more the mental part down. 

What conversations (outside the bedroom), do you have regaurding your fantascies (envolving sex)?


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

When we brought sex back a few months ago we talked about a couple new positions we both wanted to try. About wanting to sneak out of party and making love in the backseat or the back of the pickup in a field. He told me he likes it when I initiate and I told him that I like doing it but wanted him to do it too. I told him I love it when he flirts and little touches around the house and would love for him to do that more. I told him I love it when he starts mental lovemaking hours before. He told me he would love to take showers together. We made all these plans and I was so excited to have this passion back. The first thing we did was a shower and one of the positions. He couldn't finish the first time we tried and hasn't made an attempt since with them. I noticed the last month his time toward me is hurried and like lets hurry up and get you over with.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yikes! Why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't show any passion for you?

My god there is a whole wonderful world of fabulous sex out there, in the car, shower, field, boat, woods ... 

I don't understand why his delayed ejaculation makes sex so stymied? 

But back to your OP. No you're not at all selfish, your husband is self absorbed about his DE, not ED. He doesn't have trouble with erections, he has trouble with ejaculations.

There is no reason why he can't be a loving and attentive partner to you, take care of your needs, and then you take car of him. In fact, if he takes that long to finish, you going first should be the rule not the exception! He makes love to you as you two normally would, that is if he wasn't so self absorbed, and then you do whatever it is he needs in order to ejaculate. 

Sex needs to stop being about his DE and start being about making each other feel loved. Until he can do that, cut his ass off!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

If he just wants to go to sleep after his O then I can see why you would want to go first. Maybe tell him that if he wants to go first than he needs to make sure you go second. 

Maybe break it up into two separate nights one for him and one for you. 

He seems very finicky and LD about sex and that allows him to push for doing things his way. 

I do not understand what foreplay is currently like. Are you two touching at the same time? Does he use ED meds? 

It seems like you two just need to be more open in communication and make sure that each is doing those things which support the other. (he seems to be a bit lazy at the moment)


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

This is a vicious cycle we have had in our 17 years of marriage. We will bring the sex back into our marriage. He will be very attentive, passionate, open and then self absorbed with the DE and trying to maintain an erection, and then the effort on his part starts to go out the window. I will try to be supportive and understanding but after awhile that goes too and we are back into a dry spell. I told him several weeks ago that reasons sex stops between us are repeating but he hasn't made any effort so I figure we are probably back into the roommate phase again. I packed away the lingerie and lubes... again... and had a good cry.

I guess I wanted to assure myself this time if it was me being self absorbed and too high expectations or if indeed it is a laziness on his part. Thanks.


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