# How to forgive nad hopefully forget to be able to reconcile



## timbre (Oct 3, 2011)

Looking for advice from anyone who has had a spouse in a EA/PA or multiple ones.

How did you get past it to be able to reconcile? What did you do to forgive and forget what had happened?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

timbre said:


> Looking for advice from anyone who has had a spouse in a EA/PA or multiple ones.
> 
> How did you get past it to be able to reconcile? What did you do to forgive and forget what had happened?


Could you give a quick recap of your story?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You never forget. That's impossible short of erasing your entire memory.

Forgive - well that's something individual. Forgiveness, as in absolving them of blame, will never happen, because it WAS their fault and always will be. Forgiveness, as in moving past what they did and believing they've changed enough to start to trust again - that takes time. Years.

I had to have IC before I knew what I wanted to do and agreed to MC with him. It took a few months before I knew what I wanted.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

The marriage you thought you had will never again. The exclusive intimatcy with your spouse is gone forever. What happens now is dependent upon both of you.

Prepare yourself for:

Triggers if you try to reconcile.

Can you ever forgive? Your spouse has taken something away from the relationship that will never be again. Some say on here that they made stronger marriages. I always think if they put as much effort into their marriage prior to cheating as they say they did to rebuild their marriage now wouldn't that have been better then causing all the pain.

This is something that you will live with the rest of your life. 

Sorry


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

My WH and I have not reconciled because he is choosing to blame-shift and gas-light and not take responsibility for what he is done. The only things I want from him are an apology for hurting me and a real commitment which involves not cheating again. I'd forgive him in a moment if he'd prove to me that he cares enough to stop hurting me. That's the problem, though. I love him, so I'll accept him, even though he's hurt me; it doesn't negate my love, though it kills my trust and breaks my heart. However, the fact that he won't stop hurting me with his behavior, the fact that he won't put in any work to try and fix what he has done wrong, and the fact that he refuses to accept responsibility are the problem for me. So, from my perspective, a true reconciliation must involve sincerity and open-ness on BOTH sides.

If you want to try to reconcile, you must first prove to your wife that you really do understand how much you screwed up and you really have to mean that you won't do it again. And, you have to work your tail off to prove your love, commitment, faithfulness, and honesty. Be transparent. Be real. Make her the ONLY one and fight off the temptation all around you because it's not worth hurting her. If you can't do that, then don't bother reconciling at all.

Getting past it means that you can make sense of it and move forward with the true conviction that it won't happen again. 

At least, that's how I see it....


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

You can forgive but you can't forget. It happened and it can't un-happen.

The WW has to understand why the affair happened, so they can and be certain that it won't happen again. You can't promise it won't happen again if you don't know why it happened.

WW needs to understand the full extend of the pain they have caused the BS and they need to understand the full extend of damage they have done to their marriage and themselves. WW also needs to deal with and address their own pain and the guilt associated with the damage they have done.

Your marriage is never going to be the same but that doesn't have to be a bad thing, it can be a good thing. 

Rebuilding trust is going to take as long as it takes the BS to regain trust again. There's no time frame and there are not set rules. It might take years and the WW has to be along for the ride.

Last but not least, work on your marriage. Something was obviously missing, work on that, fix it, remedy it - and that takes both spouses, not just the WW.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You can forgive and learn to trust again but I think it's something that cannot be rushed and is more like a natural progression. I tried to forgive and trust my H too soon after Dday and ad a result we had a false recovery that was not natural and was stressful it also culminated in me experiencing severe anxiety attacks. 7 months later we are seperated BUT we are rebuilding our relationship from scratch and just being friends. I realised about a month ago that NO I hadn't forgiven him and (despite NO evidence) he still hadn't regained my trust, but I realised it was ok to feel lie that. As soon as I realised it was ok for me to feel that way things started improving. I cloud discuss with him when and why I was feeling insecure and anxious, and tell him why the trust still wasn't there and through this communication things are improving and I am beginning to think there is a chance for real Forgivness

H still works with his EA partner and this had been a huge deal for me. But even though we are now separated I have a key to his apartment and he Txts me if he had a meeting after work or if his routine has changed at all. We still spend A LOT of time together and when he is with me his mobile phone is always visible and I still have access to his itemised bill. All these things are helping to rebuild my trust and head towards full Forgivness.
Good luck to you x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are doing the same mistake again. You wife gives you one hear felt apology(Only after she realized that she is losing everything ) and you immediately consoled her and jumped on the R wagon. I would say, make sure that her Remorse is really genuine and long term. Let her actions speak, not words. Let her keep up with her actions. You seem to be investing into the relationship again too early. If the remorse is a temporary thing, you will find it hard to detach again and will go through the pain all over again.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> You are doing the same mistake again. You wife gives you one hear felt apology(Only after she realized that she is losing everything ) and you immediately consoled her and jumped on the R wagon. I would say, make sure that her Remorse is really genuine and long term. Let her actions speak, not words. Let her keep up with her actions. You seem to be investing into the relationship again too early. If the remorse is a temporary thing, you will find it hard to detach again and will go through the pain all over again.


:iagree:

I read your thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/33923-skewed-view-reality-6.html

Your WW is in a LTA of 2 years with a friend, and only now sent a NC message to the OM, and now you're all ready to jump into R right away and forgive and forget. This is nothing but










You live in fear of losing her. The fact is that you have already lost her to the OM, it just a matter if she will come back or not. You haven't done the 180 fully because of your fear. You can't just move right to R right away. One of them will fish for renewed contact...IF the affair is really over. How have you even verified that its over? Are you monitoring her? Or are you scared to again?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You guys are doing it wrong.

If you dont tell him what he wants to hear, he wont listen. Because you guys insist on telling the truth and using logic, It's likely you have all chased him away, again. 

All posts and responses should begin with... "once upon a time..." and end with "happily ever after..."

Thank you for your cooperation.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Or he'll delete the thread like the others because he didnt like the responses. I remember the thread and subscribed to the one I linked to. The momentus "I post this tonight as a final message on this forum. I will not return, I will not answer. The advice that I was given almost cost me the most important thing in my entire life. It will take me many months to repair the damage caused by one fleeting moment and one idea that wasn't correct" post. We knew it was going to end badly. Now that WW suddenly wants to R, its time to quickly jump on the R train.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

timbre- I, too, read your other threads, about your marriage troubles.

Since you intend to commit to reconciling with your wife, you ask for pointers on how to forgive and forget multiple episodes of infidelity on your wife's part.

So, given those circumstances, here we go.

Look for ways to blame yourself. Dissect every mean thing you have said to her, every little slight and neglect you can think of that you have burdened her with. Try to convince yourself that these small emotional stabs on your part weighed the scales down so heavily that the only way your wife could balance them was to hop on another man.

Identify your wants and needs in the relationship, and then tell yourself that THOSE THINGS DON'T MATTER. Because if you hadn't been so selfish, your wife wouldn't have had to hike up her skirt for other men to get her needs met.

Understand that, for whatever reason, you don't deserve any better than what you have. Trust and fidelity are nice in a marriage, but, hey, how can you have those things if you aren't married? Right?

Let's go over that one again. Your wife is a serial cheater. You know it. You accept it. It's what you deserve, by your own actions.

I also recommend googling "cuckold lifestyle" for some reading material that will let you know that you're not alone- there are other guys out there that share their wives, too.

I apologize if this post sounds sarcastic. It is not intended to be so. You asked for advice on how to deal with your situation, and these are the best coping techniques I could verbalize. The truth of the matter is that you are making a bad decision on your future happiness. But it's your decision to make.

Here's hoping you get really comfortable in the newly discovered aspects of your marriage.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You are doing the same mistake again. You wife gives you one hear felt apology(Only after she realized that she is losing everything ) and you immediately consoled her and jumped on the R wagon. I would say, make sure that her Remorse is really genuine and long term. Let her actions speak, not words. Let her keep up with her actions. You seem to be investing into the relationship again too early. If the remorse is a temporary thing, you will find it hard to detach again and will go through the pain all over again.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I dont have anything else to say, I wrote my replay on his other thread. I know he will never undestand it.

Never RUG SWEEP the affair, expose it to all the friends and family. (There is no need as every one except you know that for over two years) Look for her remorse whether its temporary to give you another heart brake., till she find out someone else.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

timbre said:


> So not only was it the one guy.... but a *way longer relationship than I ever thought*... but there are about *7 others mixed in there as well*.
> 
> *I can't deal with that*, I was almost to the point of not dealing with the one guy either but the rest of this pushed it over the edge.


So in addition to this latest OM, there was OM1, OM2,OM3,OM4,OM5,OM6, and OM7. 

Your whole marriage has been a lie. She's a serial cheater that has cheated on you your whole marriage and blame shifted everything on you.

She's a cake eating serial cheater. She never divorced you for all these other guys because you are the provider. She wants the security of marriage but be able to f#ck around with all her men.

WTH are you even considering R with this serial cheater? Oh yes, because even though everyone including friends and family are telling you you're crazy, you're crazy in love with your WW. 

And here you are, quickly ready to forgive and forget. With all the cheating she's done, are you even sure those are your children? Have you gotten checked for STDs? Good heavens man, *this is OM#8!*


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

timbre said:


> Looking for advice from anyone who has had a spouse in a EA/PA or multiple ones.
> 
> How did you get past it to be able to reconcile? What did you do to forgive and forget what had happened?


Drank lots of Jeremiah Weed. It is 90 proof and a nice bourbon whiskey. Ended up in the emergency room twice in the last month due to overindulgence but hey during the times I was passing out I forgot the entire affair and more than likely forgave my wife, Hitler, Stalin and a host of others. So my advice is drink a lot of Jeremiah Weed and make sure your cheating wife is the one who drives you to the E.R. because it worked for me by making her feel guilty and she thought I was going to die (so did I).


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Drank lots of Jeremiah Weed. It is 90 proof and a nice bourbon whiskey. Ended up in the emergency room twice in the last month due to overindulgence but hey during the times I was passing out I forgot the entire affair and more than likely forgave my wife, Hitler, Stalin and a host of others. So my advice is drink a lot of Jeremiah Weed and make sure your cheating wife is the one who drives you to the E.R. because it worked for me by making her feel guilty and she thought I was going to die (so did I).


Doh. In my list of recommendations, I somehow forgot about getting drunk to the point of alcohol poisoning! Yeah, timbre, Thorburn here used space-age technology to bust his cheating wife a couple of months ago, and decided to take her back for only cheating on him with one or two other guys, and look how well its working out for him.

I think drinking yourself into a stupor regularly will also help you cope with your cheating wife. You won't have to think about her cheating on you, and while you're passed out, well, it will give her opportunities to do her "thang," too.

That's what I call a lose-lose-win situation. You lose by drinking, you lose by keeping your wife, and she wins by, well, you already know how she wins.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

I kicked my wife out first day after DDay. I had no phone or face to face contact with her for the next 6 months until the divorce was finalyzed. We e-mailed, that's all, and even then I kept our interactions to bare minimum. I talked only divorce business, nothing about our relationship, because to me it no longer existed: nothing to talk about. She would drop my step-daughter off with my sister on Fridays for weekend visits, and then pick her up at school Monday afternoons. She got to see _my_ son only occasionally and then only when I knew he would not be exposed to the OM. 

In the meantime I hung with good friends and poured my heart out, did alot of hunting and hiking, kept focused on my son and did what I could to keep my mind actiove so I would not think about her. By the time the D went through I was emotionally stabilized and ready to move on. I had never heard about the 180 at that time, but somehow I stumbled onto it on my own.

For those who want to R or who are on the fence, hit the WS hard with sanctions, separate and have no contact for a long time. Let them sweat and "give them the gift of missing you" as one poster said on anther thread I read. That's sage advice.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It doesn't matter. He's going to sweep this under the rug just as he's always done and there will be OM#9, then OM#10, etc, etc. I hope I'm wrong but I doubt it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Drank lots of Jeremiah Weed. It is 90 proof and a nice bourbon whiskey. Ended up in the emergency room twice in the last month due to overindulgence but hey during the times I was passing out I forgot the entire affair and more than likely forgave my wife, Hitler, Stalin and a host of others. So my advice is drink a lot of Jeremiah Weed and make sure your cheating wife is the one who drives you to the E.R. because it worked for me by making her feel guilty and she thought I was going to die (*so did I*).




I dont have anything to say May god be with you and let him give peace and happiness to you. Let him give the strength to bear more and more pain. AMEN


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

spudster said:


> For those who want to R or who are on the fence, hit the WS hard with sanctions, separate and have no contact for a long time. Let them sweat and "give them the gift of missing you" as one poster said on anther thread I read. That's sage advice.


Exactly this


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It would require me to undergo a complete lobotomy for me to even consider reconciliation.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

There is nothing anyone can say or do to change the path of the person who authored this thread...

His destiny, and the purpose of his life may only be to serve as a warning to others.


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