# Wife Cheated - Letter to other guy?



## Capnhands (Apr 26, 2010)

Thank you for hearing me out everyone. 

My details: Wife cheated for 5 months physical and emotional, I found out a month ago and confronted her. Two kids. Married 10 years. Other man married, two kids as well. My W has broken things off with him. I trust her and she and I are completely committed to saving our marriage and all-and-all things are going relatively good. According to my wife when she finalized things with him, the other guy was scared out of his wits that I will tell his wife even though their marriage is very much on the rocks. 

I have this strong urge now to contact him. Just once in his lifetime. I don’t want him to think he has gotten away with something. This would be an email/letter of course. Is there a general rule of thumb of things to say or not say? That may sound like a strange question, but of course I could go into all the gory details on how I want to mangle is pitiful flesh, but I have the feeling that is bad idea.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Bad idea...... He knows you know and it is over. You need to leave the past in the past and not allow your pride wires get crossed. You need to put that focus on getting your marriage in order, not destroying his. And if you have been able to forgive you wife for the act, you most certainly must forgive him. If not, I do not think you truly have forgiven your wife. Now if you still think there is something that you and the wife have not worked out, then you need to deal with both.


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## Capnhands (Apr 26, 2010)

pochael said:


> Bad idea...... He knows you know and it is over. You need to leave the past in the past and not allow your pride wires get crossed. You need to put that focus on getting your marriage in order, not destroying his. And if you have been able to forgive you wife for the act, you most certainly must forgive him. If not, I do not think you truly have forgiven your wife. Now if you still think there is something that you and the wife have not worked out, then you need to deal with both.


Thanks, I sort of see your point. Yes he knows I know. It is still very early yet and my wife and I are still working things out and yes I'm still trying to forgive her. I see the parallel you are making.

My problem is that I feel I cannot live the rest of my life without saying something to him in the form of a letter. It will be closure for me in a sence. The letter I have written up now consists of threats to not contact her, which to this day he has not and I truly belieive that he won't. But I don't want him to know that (i.e. that I trust him). I want to instill some sort of anxiety in him that I will 'address' (<<euphamism for kick his ass) any issues if he interferes in the slightest way. I probably should mention this...they work together still. They are in separate buildings and never cross paths, but the chance exists. In fact, they stand a better chance of running into each other locally at a restruant during lunch. It is because of this that the letter serves a further purpose of reinforcing the 'no contact' rule which my wife has already laid down the law on to him. Again, he is complying to my knowledge and think he will continue too, but there is that element of doubt, hence my second purpose behind the letter.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Not a good idea. Your threats might actually work against you. Your wife might get mad and he may decide to approach her just to spite you. Write a letter and light in on fire if you have to, but this man is NOTHING to you, don't give him attention he doesn't deserve.


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Capnhands!

I have so been in your shoes and hate the other person so much. I want that person to be fearful, sad, hurt, etc. Everything that I blame them for in my marriage. I realize also that it takes two but it's just so much easier to forgive your spouse and try to make things work. The other person is simply disgusting and the worst piece of crud ever. With that said, sending him a letter or even calling him won't make things better. You need to learn to trust your wife and hope the progress you have made will make things better. Threatening him will not build your trust back up. If he approaches her, it's up to her to tell you and see how she deals with it. I think the previous poster was right in saying that could cause this guy to approach your wife just because he didn't like being threatened.

When my husband had an EA with our nanny, I was sickened and horrified. She was also in a relationship and I've always wondered if I should show her now husband the texts she used to send my husband. I swore the last time I talked with her that if she came near my family again I would send those letters. I wanted her partner to go through the pain I did so she would have to feel the guilt. However, making someone else hurt as bad as me will not make me feel better. 
Do what you think is right but really think through everything that could happen because of one lousy letter. I'd say try to just let it go and stop thinking about him and focusing on him. (I know it's way harder to do because I can't do it either yet.) Focus your letter writing on your wife and give her a letter instead.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

I can see where you are coming from. But I stand by it. I went through the same thing. And I am a firm believer that a man is obligated to protect his marriage. But at this time, if you are sure that they are over, then there is no need.


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## showtime (Mar 18, 2010)

Take the high road dude. Be the better/bigger man. Don't fall into that BS, it won't do any good. Stay strong and work on your marriage.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Capnhands said:


> ... The letter I have written up now consists of threats to not contact her, ...I want to instill some sort of anxiety in him that I will 'address' (<<euphamism for kick his ass) any issues if he interferes in the slightest way. ... the letter serves a further purpose of reinforcing the 'no contact' rule which my wife has already laid down the law on to him. Again, he is complying to my knowledge and think he will continue too, but there is that element of doubt, hence my second purpose behind the letter.


NOTE TO SELF: If you send a threatening letter to the OM, he can take that as written evidence to a court of law, claim that you are threatening him (because you are) and ask for a restraining order against you. Then he could talk to your wife all he wants and if you break the restraining order, YOU go to court, get a fine, and get anger management for a year. Is this what you want? 

My suggestion would be to write the letter if you have to get it off your chest, then burn it. Then keep a bit of an eye on your wife and OM (as in...verifying) and if something were to come up, then YOU have the evidence against him. Do you have a copy of the letter your wife sent to him asking for no contact? You could use that as evidence you requested no contact, give the evidence that he continues to contact despite requests, and get a restraining order for stalking. THEN he could not come within X number of feet of your wife or speak to her or contact her...and if he did, then HE is the one going to court, getting a fine, getting anger management for a year, etc. Is this MORESO what you want? 

Then I would suggest you see the wisdom of what we are suggesting to you, and why.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you checking your wife's internet and phone logs?


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## considering (Apr 14, 2010)

Tell him that if he ever comes anywhere near you, your wife or your family again, you will have an immedaite discussion with his wife that will not go well for him.


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

I'm not in your boat, but mine is floating alongside it.
I know what you're going through. You feel mostly like you can't let it go, because if you do, the affair somehow is less significant to you. You can't simply let this man have made a fool of you and then get to walk. He needs to pay.

in my situation I knew the OM, he even coerced his way into living under my roof for several months while carrying on this affair. He insulted me to my face, overtly played my wife against me, manipulating her every step of the way. When she ended it, he kept trying to manipulate her back into it. When she told me, we threw him out. But despite the warning of no contact, he still came up with a BS excuse to call her at work where she couldn't just ignore him.

But you know what I did? I called him. Put the facts on the table. Reiterated how calm and patient I've been, how thankful he should be that he can still enjoy solid foods, and how he is never to try to contact her again for any reason.

But there is a huge distinction here...
To your knowledge, your wife's OM is not attempting to harass and manipulate her still.
This is all I really want, and all you really (truly) want aswell. With him out of the picture, you and your wife can begin to heal. Inviting him back into the picture so you can get a word in, only empowers him and damages your marriage all the more.

Be thankful for his cooperation, because he could be making it far more difficult. And don't drag him back into the situation, it will only complicate things for you and your wife.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Ah but RWB--what you did was not to write down threats to the OM. You went to the OM's wife (or other men's wives I guess) and exposed the truth. As you know, this is something we not only condone, but SUPPORT and encourage. 

We do not, however, encourage putting threats into writing. You saw my reply right? That is the way our legal system is set up. If you put a threat into writing, you set yourself up for legal trouble, not the OM. 

Thus your situation was fairly different. You had a W who was not cooperative and OM where were not cooperative. This poster has a wife that is cooperating with him and allowing him to check on her... -AND- his OM is also cooperating and is not in contact. There is no reason for him to contact the OM or OM's W at this point, and if he did write down a threat, then the OM has ammunition to use against him.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

AC, I re-read you post.

One further comment. My wife was extremely cooperative with me. She stopped all contact immediately. In a strange way, she was relieved the life of deceit and lies was over even with the dire consequences at hand. She had become trapped in many ways. In love with the fantasy in a "no way out" situation. Can't tell but can't stop. She would compartmentalize her actions as not really hurting anyone but herself. At one point she really didn't even think that she was having an affair. Just a fantasy.

My actions to expose were as much or more for my wife as the OM. We are together and doing better month by month. Most important we live in truth and clarity. 9 months out we still go to counseling once a month and probably will forever.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Capnhands said:


> Thanks, I sort of see your point. Yes he knows I know. It is still very early yet and my wife and I are still working things out and yes I'm still trying to forgive her. I see the parallel you are making.
> 
> My problem is that I feel I cannot live the rest of my life without saying something to him in the form of a letter. It will be closure for me in a sence. The letter I have written up now consists of threats to not contact her, which to this day he has not and I truly belieive that he won't. But I don't want him to know that (i.e. that I trust him). I want to instill some sort of anxiety in him that I will 'address' (<<euphamism for kick his ass) any issues if he interferes in the slightest way. I probably should mention this...they work together still. They are in separate buildings and never cross paths, but the chance exists. In fact, they stand a better chance of running into each other locally at a restruant during lunch. It is because of this that the letter serves a further purpose of reinforcing the 'no contact' rule which my wife has already laid down the law on to him. Again, he is complying to my knowledge and think he will continue too, but there is that element of doubt, hence my second purpose behind the letter.


Not a good idea!! Just focus on your wife that is where any and all problems lie imo. A woman can cheat anytime of any day there are no shortage of men out there that would take her up on the offer, so that's where the time and effort need to be placed. This guy doesn't matter he was just the wake up call.

Also, imo, revenge and causing other people to feel pain even if it's "jusitified" never makes you feel better. Being the better man/woman always makes you feel good on the inside!!


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