# No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn) X-Posted



## sandalsinthesnow

This is going to be long, I apologize in advance, but I have reached an impasse in my marriage ...

A bit of background: been married 3 years, together for 7.

My husband has never been very interested in sex with me, although in the beginning we had our moments. But, the last time he initiated sex with me was three years ago, one time on our honeymoon.

He has also rejected me every single time I have attempted to have sex with him ... on his birthday, when I "surprised" him in lingerie he got angry and said I was being selfish and ruined his birthday, since he wanted to leave to go out to dinner. That was the last time I tried to initiate, a couple of years ago.

At first I thought he just had a low sex drive. Then I discovered the porn. He has a significant stash of it, and is still buying more. I have also found extensive lists of women he keeps (various porn stars), I assume for videos he wants to buy.

I have confronted him on this issue many times. He usually gets angry at first, then acknowledges my feelings and says he will try to make changes.

I should add, about two years ago he started coming to bed at 2, 3, 4 am because, I found out, he was upstairs watching porn. Now, at his choice, he sleeps on the couch while I sleep in our room. We have not shared a room in 5 months, again all at his doing. The other day I found about 20 porn videos stashed under the couch, big surprise.

Obviously, as a woman, the lack of intimacy (and deceitfulness on his part) is tearing me apart. I used to take it personally, and long questioned why he wasn't interested in me, even though I am only 32 and in good shape. I now realize it is his issue, not mine ... but I am still lonely and only beginning to recover my self-esteem.

I have come to the realization that he has no intention of stopping this, despite the many, many conversations. I told him today that I could not continue our relationship as it is, that it is just too hurtful, and we are living together as roommates. I should add, the rest of our marriage is decent, and there are many things about him that I love ... he is romantic in his own way, and often tells me he loves me, is lucky to have me ... and I believe that he does love me.

Still, when I told him he needs to get rid of the porn, stop clearing the history on his phone and computer (which he does daily, b/c of the porn), come back to our bedroom and commit to reestablishing our intimate life, he told me he will not stop looking at porn. He also refuses to go to counseling, which I also said we needed.

So, I told him if that was his choice I would be filing for a separation. I don't want a divorce, we have a child together and I hoped would have more, but I don't know what else to do. I'm at a complete loss. Any advice, insights or thoughts very much appreciated ...


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## deejov

I'm sorry you are in this mess, 

What did he say when you told him you would be filing for a seperation?

From what you have said, I would agree that you did the right things... and I think it's possible he has a real problem with this. He's choosing porn over the marriage and meeting your needs. 

You deserve better. If he isn't at least attempting to meet your needs or work on this problem, he doesn't deserve to be married to you.

I know that doesn't help the hurt, the anguish, the thought of being a single parent, and getting a divorce. 

Have you looked up any resources for addiction to porn?


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## FirstYearDown

Listen to deejov.


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## sandalsinthesnow

Thanks for your responses! When I told him I'd be filing for separation, he got angry and said if I wanted a divorce that was my decision. He acts as though I am the one in the wrong for giving "ultimatums," but it only came to that since he has done nothing to change his behavior on his own in years. It's an incredibly frustrating circle! 

And, I haven't followed through with my "threat" of separation, although I did say I meant it that he has to get rid of the porn. This has yet to happen, of course.


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## square1

You need to put that threat into action. My husband had a porn problem and one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him I was tired of him making me crazy for thinking porn was a problem. He always gave the same responses during any discussion, "its not a big deal its just porn" or "you are over reacting its just porn" I really started to feel like maybe I was looking at things wrong and it really wasn't a problem. It got so bad he even admitted that he had to look at porn the few times we did have sex so he could get an erection. That was the last straw I told him to never touch me again. I felt disgusting my own husband had to look at other naked women to get turned on and then come to me to finish it. We maybe had sex 1x a week but he was viewing porn everyday/night masturbating 4x a day. I told him I was done being his roommate and was going to leave. He of course didn't believe me at first until he saw me packing my stuff. He told me he would take my concerns seriously and work on his problem. He hasn't viewed porn since April. Our sex life needed some work cause I felt so ugly and disgusting why would anyone want me type attitude. After months of working on it we now have sex almost everyday. I still have some bad feelings from what happened but I work on those dialy just like he has chosen to work on his porn addiction.


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## annagarret

You are not alone in your walk with a husband hooked on porn. Know that and believe it. 
Men, who I deeply respect and feel great compassion for, have such a deep struggle with porn. This has nothing to do with you, repeat, this has nothing to do with you. Even men married to Victoria Secret models and Playmates struggle with lust.:scratchhead: Being female we will never be able to wrap our heads and hearts around it. Try to compare it to romance, females looooove romance in all parts of our life. From old romantic movies, a flower shop, Christmas shopping for loved ones, making a nice dinner, being with girlfriends, babies, puppies. etc. you get the point. We are romance driven we can't explain it we just know it. In men's defense they don't know that about us and have to learn it about us, usually by us pouting, yelling or crying about it.

Try to see porn/lust through your husband's eyes and mind. It is everywhere now, not like even a decade or two ago.  They are drenched in it all day every day. I know it's hard, but have compassion and mercy for your husband. When he said his vows to you on your wedding day, he meant it and loves you. He needs you to not judge him, ridicule him, or embarrass him. THis does not mean to put up with a destructive habit like this. But to try to learn all you can about male sexuality so you can see it through your husbands eyes.

As wives we have a lot of power over our husbands in this area.  We can make or break our husbands with this issue. Your husband needs you to be here for him and help him. I know it disgusts you and repulses you but try to put your feelings aside to help him. I know it has killed your desire for him and is breaking your heart. I have been there. A lot of women have. Men, being male, and NOT being mean, don't understand how porn can do this to us. :scratchhead:

Men can have separate things in their life, like sex with the wife and porn. They have a box in their head for the wife and a box in their head for their porn. It's not wrong it's just the way they think.

Hang in there, you and your husband are not alone in this struggle, a good book to read is "Every Mans Battle" by Steve Arterburn.

Remember, as wives we are not all that innocent either and have struggles with other men too. Maybe not the physical part but more of the emotional/heart parts.....


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## Enchantment

Hi sandal ~

I think that it is a sad reality, but far too many men can go past the point of casual interest in porn to almost an addiction to it. Your H may need professional help in order to stop, and he would have to be willing to get that. Do you think he is willing?

There are support groups for people in just your situation. One of them, that I recently became aware of, is the following that you may be interested in checking out:

S-Anon International Family Groups

Best wishes.


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## Hope1964

My husband is a sex addict and attends Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. I tried S Anon but it isn't for me. Porn isn't a huge problem for him though - it's more chatting and interacting and sex talk.

From the sounds of it, you need to distance yourself, whether you move out or he does. He won't get the message otherwise, and even then he may choose the porn addiction over you. He needs serious help from a sex addiction therapist.


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## Mr B

A preference for porn and masturbation over marital sex is a very common problem these days. especially in long term marriages. Porn feeds men's need for sexual newness and variety which is unlimited when it comes to internet porn which is also mostly free nowadays. It is true that men can separate out feelings for their wives and feelings for porn and many men successfully walk the tightrope of keeping their wives sexually happy while also indulging their fantasies with porn

But for many men the porn and masturbation experience is just better and more intense that partner sex. And the more porn he watches the less partner sex excites him. This can get to the point where his desire level is so low during marital sex compared to when he masturbates that he often cannot function sexually and has difficulty having an orgasm or getting or keeping and erection.

Most men who are heavily into porn so much that then no longer want sex with their wives will probably not change. They have already made their choice. So if a woman cannot live without being able to have sex in her marriage then yes, the best thing to do it leave the marriage.


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## cinibun

Mr B said:


> A preference for porn and masturbation over marital sex is a very common problem these days. especially in long term marriages. Porn feeds men's need for sexual newness and variety which is unlimited when it comes to internet porn which is also mostly free nowadays. It is true that men can separate out feelings for their wives and feelings for porn and many men successfully walk the tightrope of keeping their wives sexually happy while also indulging their fantasies with porn
> 
> But for many men the porn and masturbation experience is just better and more intense that partner sex. And the more porn he watches the less partner sex excites him. This can get to the point where his desire level is so low during marital sex compared to when he masturbates that he often cannot function sexually and has difficulty having an orgasm or getting or keeping and erection.
> 
> Most men who are heavily into porn so much that then no longer want sex with their wives will probably not change. They have already made their choice. So if a woman cannot live without being able to have sex in her marriage then yes, the best thing to do it leave the marriage.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cinibun

I have been there, recently and truly understand how you feel. My marriage has been suffering from lack of intimacy for at least two years,but it really got bad sine his hernia surgery in 2010. He stated usig the surgery as excuse not to touch me in bed. We even went on cruise sex one time and it sucked! He offer no apologies to me for cutting me off, says I'm rude for pressing him... Then a few months ago I found his porn on my family pc.... I am very open minded and have over our 20 hrs tried to get him to indulge in use of toys or other stuff to spice it up to which he acted almost offended? But he secret porn stuff has been going on for a long time, it was mostly lesbian but also younger girls collage age I too suspect he was master sting instead of initiating sex with me, a live woman willing to do most anything?! I could not longer stand being so lonely like you and confronted him. My husband at first told me it was none of my business? Really? Non of my business, I guess my job is to push out babies, bring home my paycheck, cook, clean and shut up but his lack of sex or erectile dys is none of my business! I told hi. It was killing me, how can I compete with a porn airbrush 20 something his daughters age and it hurts me... Men are just selfish asses who truly only care about self serving themselves, I wish I didn't feel that way.he did tell me the same crap as one of the other posters, it was used so he could get an erection to use on me, but........we were not having sex more than one time per month so what about the rest? I did research and if you look up porn addiction you will see, it actually CAuses impotence! Causes! Men self professed it made them unable to get erection after viewing porn for long times, but can become naturally aroused if cut out porn and go back to intimacy with a women again. My thought is they have to Want to invest in us, want too without us begging. I am proud of you for your stance, my husband after the mentioned two years of ED only started to seek help after I told him, it was soon going to be over if he didn't do something, but you will note, all of the other things it didn't matter to him to do this on his own for two years before !I don't care whT people say, unless your spouse wants you to view the porn too as in share the visual stimulation, it is wrong. married men secretly viewing porn amd refusing to stop do not care about their wife or her feelings. Co front him, and follow through pack your stuff, and then follow through. We only get one life I don't know about you but I am 42 I have a lot of life to live a d I would love foe a man to want to xo e home and take me to dinner and come home and want to make love to me, to feel wanted a d desired. Instead, right now as I write this my husband is sitti g in the other room playing a online game his other addiction, for hours......if we are also if we are home alone he would rather watch any stupid thing on tv rather than initiate sex,I have one kid graduating in a few months, I honestly do not think I will make it another year like this.. Just know you are not alone, start investing in yourself, not him and not to be too graphic, start pleasuring yourself, its important not to be deprived of pleasure even if you have to do it yourself god knows most of us married women have had to do e drugging ourself anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cinibun

I have been there, recently and truly understand how you feel. My marriage has been suffering from lack of intimacy for at least two years,but it really got bad sine his hernia surgery in 2010. He stated usig the surgery as excuse not to touch me in bed. We even went on cruise sex one time and it sucked! He offer no apologies to me for cutting me off, says I'm rude for pressing him... Then a few months ago I found his porn on my family pc.... I am very open minded and have over our 20 hrs tried to get him to indulge in use of toys or other stuff to spice it up to which he acted almost offended? But he secret porn stuff has been going on for a long time, it was mostly lesbian but also younger girls collage age I too suspect he was master sting instead of initiating sex with me, a live woman willing to do most anything?! I could not longer stand being so lonely like you and confronted him. My husband at first told me it was none of my business? Really? Non of my business, I guess my job is to push out babies, bring home my paycheck, cook, clean and shut up but his lack of sex or erectile dys is none of my business! I told hi. It was killing me, how can I compete with a porn airbrush 20 something his daughters age it hurts me... Men are just selfishe the same crap as one of the other posters, it was used so he could get an erection to use on me, but........we
were not having sex more than one time per month so what about the rest? I did research and if you look up porn addiction you will see, it actually CAuses impotence! Causes! Men self professed it made them unable to get erection after viewing porn for long times, but can become naturally aroused if cut out porn and go back to intimacy with a women again. My thought is they have to 
Want to invest in us, want too without us begging. I am proud of you for your stance, my husband after the mentioned two years of ED only started to seek help after I told him, it was soon going 
to be over if he didn't do something, but you will note, all of the other things it didn't matter to him to do this on his own for two years before !I don't care whT people say, unless your spouse wants 
you to view the porn too as in share the visual stimulation, it is wrong. married men secretly viewing porn amd refusing to stop do not care about their wife or her feelings. Co front him, and follow 
through pack your stuff, and then follow through. We only get one life I don't know about you but I am 42 I have a lot of life to live a d I would love foe a man to want to xo e home and take me to 
dinner and come home and want to make love to me, to feel wanted a d desired. Instead, right now as I write this my husband is sitting in the other room playing a online game his other addiction, 
for hours......if we are also if we are home alone he would rather watch any stupid thing on tv rather than initiate sex,I have one kid graduating in a few months, I honestly do not think I will make it 
another year like this.. Just know you are not alone, start investing in yourself, not him .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Datavore

A man that doesnt want to have sex with you is a problem. Preferring porn is another issue. 

The porn needs to go away. If he is not willing to go to counselling then i think the message is clear.


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## chunt

I hope you have talked to him about this, try When blank I feel blank and want to understand why you blank statements. I used to see a therapist and thats what she told me to do. Also, watch the movie fireproof with him.Maybe try some marriage help books


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## sensei

Hi there all. I feel really sorry for the OP, I do hope that you can sort things out either way. If he won't change then you will have to by cutting off the relationship. I'm in the same situation as many of you ladies on here but I'm on the other side. I love my wife so much, I'm not perfect but I've desired her since the day I first saw her. However I've been in denial most of my adult life. I now know, as we're due to separate, that I'm a porn addict. I've done all the hiding, coming to bed late, clearing the history on the computer and preferring to masturbate rather than make love to my beautiful wife. I've avoided her and avoided the problem - what problem? I've treated her so badly. I've given no thought to her self esteem and I can only imagine how much resentment she must have for me. This time last week we had the conversation, she told me we need to part. My world has fallen apart. I have no idea if she will find anything in me worth trying again for but either way I need to change. I'm in counseling and haven't looked at porn or masturbated for 5 days (it took me a couple of days of thought to work out that this was what I needed) I'll be looking into SAA/ SLAA but they're all faith based and I have no belief in any higher force..... I'll probably take from it what I can - things like support etc.

It's given me a little hope that some on here have recovered their relationships and that their men now treat them with the respect and love they deserve. 

One website for men that I've found a great source of help is this one. 

How to Stop Porn Addiction - Free Help Overcoming Pornography


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## endlessgrief

I used to think the internet was a great thing. And in some ways, it is. But I wonder how many marriages have been ended and hurt due to the amount of porn, datesites, and chatting for EA's. I myself had an EA on a heavy metal chat site. I never saw it coming, but people are more honest and will type things they would never say in person. It makes people brave and it also hurts marriages because the EA is more understanding that the H or W. Blah blah blah.

I wish we could go back to the old days where if you wanted to see porn, you had to go to the movie theatre and sit there with other creeps jerking off around you. Maybe get hit some scrapnel from the guy sitting behind him. Bringing porn from that disgusting place into a home with children in it has made life worse for countless people. It's just so easy to access. 

I am no cruisader though. Freedom is freedom. It's how we use that freedom that tells what kind of person we are. In the end, WE make decisions to view porn and have EA's on chat sites. WE choose to look the other way when hubby is spanking the monkey and we are lyiing in bed wondering why we are not enough? Viscious cycle and so debilitating to a marriage. Internet: great invention for global communication or KILLER OF MARRIAGES?


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