# I think we might be done ...



## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

Hi all ... I posted a while back about my virtually sexless 28 year marriage and lack of communication with my H. We've been doing MC since March and I've been in IC for a year now. My H and I are both 50 years old.

Up until now, we've had sex about 4 - 5 times per year throughout our marriage ... not due to me but to HIM. I've spoken to him many times thru the years about this but nothing ever changed ... not one little bit. I've become increasingly unhappy and for the past year things have not been very good between us at all. In March I wrote him a detailed letter explaining my feelings and thoughts about our situation, asking him for help to make things better. We started MC that month.

We have not had sex since that time ... March. I've become so resentful at what we've missed out on in our marriage that I pretty much said no more. I think he was relieved and never tried to initiate .. not that he ever did anyway. We've had sex about 4 times total since last summer.

He's been on Zoloft for a year now and says he feels much better about life. But now I'm left with the baggage and am really struggling to regain any kind of feelings for him. We've been roommates for so long that I lost those romantic feelings for him long ago. He's a good man ... has been a good provider (we BOTH work good jobs) and a good dad. But I've never really felt like I had a HUSBAND. 

Two weeks ago, we were visiting his family out of state. We'd had a pretty good day ... visited a museum and botanical garden, had a nice lunch. After going back to our B & B that evening, he started to initiate sex. Keep in mind he'd also drunk (drank??) a 6 pack of beer before this. I tried to respond .. I really did ... but I'm just dead inside. It felt like a stranger was touching me. I didn't actually say no .. I never have .. but I wasn't responsive either. After a couple of minutes he said .. no? I just looked at him sadly and he left to go back to his family farm. I wasn't sure he'd come back to our room that nite but he did.

The next morning I asked to talk about it. He said ... if we can't make love after having a great day together and being in this beautiful room, then we never will. I asked what that meant to him and he said ... a totally platonic relationship. I said .. thats exactly what we've HAD.

We talked again a few days later ... he said if we can't move on from this and move past it that we should get divorced. He doesn't want to live the rest of his life without occasional sex. I asked him why now? He said that with the Zoloft he doesn't have the baggage anymore ... then said he could apologize 100 times but if I can't get past the resentment then we'll never be able to move forward. I said I didnt know if I would ever be able to be with him like that again. That part of me is dead ... I don't even think of myself as a sexual being anymore. It's been too long and it's just too awkward.

We had our first MC session yesterday in a month and basically we just repeated the same things. The counselor said I may not be able to move past it ... and that would be a loss for both of us. I said we've lost too much till now. She also said I may eventually be able to resurrect those feelings again. 

My H works the night shift and has for most of our marriage. He's only off on weekends every 6 weeks so most nights I sleep alone. I now have come to dread the nights he's off because I don't want to have to refuse him again but there's no way I can ever have sex again. 

So ... we either have a platonic relationship or go our separate ways. I've tried to get back my feelings but they're gone. He deserves someone that wants sex once in awhile ... but that's not me anymore. 

I guess I don't really have a question ... other than wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and managed to come back from it. When you feel dead inside ... is it possible to come to life again?


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

H and I in pretty much the same place but working on it and making some progress.
In our experience, there are two huge areas to address. One is your (my) resentment. Doesn't it just build up and up until you just go dead inside to avoid the pain? Then, you hold on to it to avoid future pain. For me, letting go of resentment has a lot to do with learning to trust my H has my best interest at heart and values our marriage. I have felt so alone for so many years, it is hard to do, but I try to give him opportunities to show me I am important to him. The book, Five Love Languages, helped us quantify what is important to each of us. At least we have an idea what makes each of us happy and are working on those things.

The second area is the physical relationship. After being in a virtually sexless marriage, sex isn't something to look forward to and you are out of practice. We found Sensate Focus a good way to establish some level of physical intimacy without the expectation of sex right away. It establishes a schedule for you to spend time together in a relaxed way to kind of get to know each other again. You might want to look it up on the internet.

It is a long, slow, sometimes frustrating process but we are moving forward. There have been times one or both of us could not see the value of continuing and talked about resuming our platonic relationship or just going our separate ways, but somehow, we managed to get past those times. We are both pretty stubborn, too. We are also in MC and IC. I am focusing on losing the resentment and anger and learning to forgive. I figure whether we remain married or not, anger and resentment are poison to my well being and any relationship I might be in, and I deserve to be free of them.

So, in answer to your question, it is possible to regain the feelings you have lost and reclaim your relationship. It takes commitment, time, and a ton of self examination.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

Hi Template ... thank you for that response. 

I've read the Love Languages stuff ... H won't. I asked him to check out the MarriageBuilders website too ... after I asked about 4 times he spend about half an hour on it. He'll research everything else but not relationship stuff - even when he doesn't have to find it himself. His LL is Quality Time ... mine is Words of Affirmation. I've done a lot over the past several months to meet his LL ... he hasn't done much of anything to meet mine. 

I agree it takes commitment and time. I'm not sure either one of us at this point has the commitment we need ... as for time, I first sat him down to SERIOUSLY talk about this and tell him I was considering leaving last summer. So it's been a year now. I'm not sure how much more time I want to give. 

I've done a ton of self-examination ... I really have. I've owned my role in this mess. I'm a pleaser and tend to let my own feelings take a back seat. For some reason I have such a hard time talking to him about things .... I've never really been comfortable doing that even after all these years. Pretty sad, really. But thru the years I HAVE told him ... he just hasn't listened. 

Our MC yesterday asked H if he recognized the changes that I've made. He said he did, that he knew I'd been working hard on things. She then asked him what changes HE'S made or was willing to make ... he said he'd been trying to be more PATIENT. WTF??? What does he have to be patient for? I've never said I wanted him to be more patient. 

I just feel so guilty about it all ... and I don't want to hurt him. I'd really like to leave but I just don't have the guts. I've never been a person who responds well to change. 

Template, I'm really glad you're having some success on your journey back to your marriage. You're very strong. I hope it all works out for you.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yup. Sounds like resentment to me.

Do me a favor. Watch a guy movie - Star Wars - Episodes 1 through 3 aren't as good as the original but just bear with the sub-par acting and get to the climax where the fallen hero is swallowed up by rage and ignites in flame before your very eyes. Watch him get charred and scarred to a smoldering crisp and then do some reflection on anger, rage, and resentment.

I am always amazed at the mythological capacity of the human female to carry around anger, rage and resentment.

I am going to summarize this in a very guy (over)simplistic terms:

1. You went for years without sex from your husband.
2. You were starved for sex from your husband.
3. Now that you have a chance as sex (albeit irregular), you don't want it anymore.

Yeah, that requires patience.

You are going to have to accept the fact that even though yes, your husband withheld sex from you and was very inconsiderate to you with regards to that, that he probably didn't do it on purpose. I highly doubt he was coniving about it.

Even my ex-wife, she apologized many times to me for the lack of sex so I did know on some level, it wasn't within her control on some level.

You need to get over it some way or the other, divorce or staying together, because the funny thing about divorce is. . .it's no cure for anger and resentment. In fact, it will exacerbate it further.

Good luck.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

Thanks Scannerguard ... 

I really wish that I could just put the resentment aside and move on. You don't know how much I want that. I'm really not holding onto it on PURPOSE. I just don't know how to let it go ... counseling hasn't helped me much in that regard tho it has helped me greatly in other areas.

Our MC thinks my H has had low-grade depression since he was about 10 years old, based on what he's told her about his childhood. I certainly don't think he was withholding on purpose ... however that doesn't negate the effect it's had on me all these years. And it wasn't just the lack of sex ... his depression had a great impact on our lives tho neither one of us recognized it at the time.

My H was the first man I was ever with sexually ... I've never been with anyone but him. I equate sex with emotional love and intimacy. I'm finding it very very difficult to let myself go and be sexual with him now when I no longer have those emotions. I think the act itself would be very empty for me ... I can only imagine how I'd feel afterwards. 

Believe me, I'm not arguing for the sake of arguing. I WANT to get past this ... but right now it feels like I never will.


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