# wife cheated, now I have questions



## onethirty8 (Oct 23, 2010)

My wife of 5 years was having an EA turn PA for the last few months. She never confessed to it until I caught her with some very inappropriate text messages on her phone. We have two kids. We are going to try to work this out and I have a few questions maybe the board can help me with. 
I know that the EA is going to be the hard one for my wife to get over, she is very confused about her feelings for the OM. She still sees him as a "great friend" and misses him allot. She works with him but does not see him everyday or even every week.
What can I do to help her through this. Its hard because I feel like there is allot I need help with from her, but I see this as a two way street we both have to put our effort into this. I am just not sure of the best way to handle this, give her space, lots of attention... Not sure which is best. I know that there is no concrete answer and each situation is different maybe someone can give me something general.
Another question I have is how long after the announcement of an affair do most couples wait before they start having sex again? This one is on me, I just cant see myself being sexual with my wife for a while, I look at her so different now. I know that is to be expected and I am just curious as to others stories, and experiences. Can sex help us reconnect. I am sure I need to deal with my feelings first. 

Me and my wife need to get back into counseling but I need to find a new counselor. My wife wont go back to the one we were using before the affair was proven. I think she is very embarrassed because she lied to the counselor about the affair and doesn't want to admit the truth to her. Has anyone else dealt with something similar. 

This whole thing is a mess as situations like this are, but I need to stay positive and do what we need to do to work through this.

Thanks in advance for any insight.

onethirty8


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

I would go back to the same counselor .. that person knows your history somewhat. Plus, if you go somewhere new doesn't that just give your wife another chance to lie? 

SO what if she is embarrassed ... she is the one that had the EA/PA. If she wants to make it work ...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Onethirty8,

On this forum, you will find many who will help you with these exact issues.




onethirty8 said:


> My wife of 5 years was having an EA turn PA for the last few months. She never confessed to it until I caught her with some very inappropriate text messages on her phone. We have two kids. We are going to try to work this out and I have a few questions maybe the board can help me with.
> I know that the EA is going to be the hard one for my wife to get over, she is very confused about her feelings for the OM. She still sees him as a "great friend" and misses him allot. She works with him but does not see him everyday or even every week.


Spend time yourself on this forum reading many posts and threads to understand these EA and PA scenarios.

Your woman, aside from the embarrassment, once the EA is truly done, she will both grieve and likely even resent you for her misery, and blame you for this or that.

Do not fall for the blame!

First, put your marriage first. Get this attitude 100 percent.

In each and every look, talk, interaction, decision, insistence, (everything!) with your woman show this attitude with every fiber of your being. 

In dealing with anyone else, marriage councelor, your woman's boss, friends, family, as well, this attitude 100 percent. Be the man that everyone involved in this situation knows when you speak or act or even come around, it's his marriage first 100 percent. 

So with this attitude, insist to do whatever needs to be done to eliminate ALL contact with the affair man. Even if these means your woman is transfering departments (a start), or looking for another job (the real correct answer).

She will complain, say you are overreacting, defend her career, say the affair man is still "a good friend", blame you, etc etc etc.

Have NONE of this!

HER DECISION to have an affair with a coworker has led to this.

She has done this to her career, not you.

HER ACTIONS are responsible, not you, the man who is instead doing 100 percent marriage first. 

STick to your guns always on these things.

It makes you seem the "bad guy", so what?

Someone being the adult in a room full of children is often the "bad guy", someone being a leader in the midst of chaos is often the "bad guy".

Leadership and being the bad guy, they go hand in glove. 

Do not shy away from being the bad guy, instead, recognize that when you are accused of being the bad guy, often this means you are acting exactly right.

No more so than putting pieces together after the affair, it is not much pretty to rebuild what has been torn apart that needs to be rebuilt, and to cut off and discard what needs to be cut off and discarded. Ugly business.




> What can I do to help her through this.


Do not be afraid to be the bad guy.

Do not be afraid to assume much of a "father role" and assume in many ways she will have the attitude of a young girl.

"Tough love", if this means anything to you at all, then it is the way for awhile during this process. 



> Its hard because I feel like there is allot I need help with from her, but I see this as a two way street we both have to put our effort into this.


When she sees you not backing down, being tough for the marriage, standing up for the marriage (and yourself), this will increase the respect and attraction she will have for you.

When her respect for your returns, and the attraction for you returns, then (and only then) will you see her lend a hand to help you put the marriage back together.

Until then, being the "bad guy", and tough love, do not expect her enthusiasm in this at the beginning. This HAS GOT to come from your own leadership and strength, at least at first.



> I am just not sure of the best way to handle this, give her space, lots of attention... Not sure which is best.


Space? NOT AT ALL!

Attention? Very much, but not lovey dovey!

Instead, the attention that needs to be paid is your calm, confident insistence that she is doing what she needs to be doing, and that you insist she herself puts the marriage 100 percent.

Again, this attention is much as "father figure" as husband, and NEVER going to be appeasing or "giving in" to anything to coddle her or soft sell the destructiveness and selfishness that she has brought on herself. Check her phone records, check her computer logs, insist to know her coming and going. 

This kind of attention, maybe sounding harsh, but it is the kind of attention she needs from you.



> I know that there is no concrete answer and each situation is different maybe someone can give me something general.


As unique as we like to imagine ourselves, in affairs and in most things sexual and emotional between men and women, these structures are more alike then different.

The stronger and tougher you are able to muster yourself, and willing and able to avoid any enabling of your woman to continue the EA, this is the path to resuming the respect and sexual attraction that is your rightful place as husband, and this is inversely related to the respect and sexual attraction your woman will muster for her affair man.

So understand this relationship is how to understand why it is important to be willing to be the "bad guy", and how this, and absolutely not being too nice, is the way to drive the affair man far far away from your woman's mind.



> Another question I have is how long after the announcement of an affair do most couples wait before they start having sex again?


Take sex off the table with your woman completely for now.

But conversely, get yourself to the gym, dress proper, maintain immaculate hygiene, carry yourself with confidence and calmness and purpose.

Your mission, to save your marraige.

Your uniform during all this, is the most attractive "you" possible.



> This one is on me, I just cant see myself being sexual with my wife for a while, I look at her so different now. I know that is to be expected and I am just curious as to others stories, and experiences. Can sex help us reconnect. I am sure I need to deal with my feelings first.



Again, take sex off the table, lose any influence this may have on you.

As well, for any future reconciliation, if you attempted sex, and instead mustered only disgust or resentment to your woman, and she perceived this even slightly, this would be very hard for her to overcome emotionally, maybe never.

Make sure sex waits until all other pieces are in place. 



> Me and my wife need to get back into counseling but I need to find a new counselor. My wife wont go back to the one we were using before the affair was proven. I think she is very embarrassed because she lied to the counselor about the affair and doesn't want to admit the truth to her. Has anyone else dealt with something similar.


Listen, any man who in a sexual relationship with a woman deals with similar. All women will test their men. "Fitness test" or "Sh!t test", these are part of sexual life.

Repairing a marriage after an affair, this does not change this.

This "needing a new councelor", unerstand this is the first "sh!t test" in a long line of tests that you need to recognize.

THe answer, not just "NO", but "Hell no".

If the councelor is appropriate, then your wife will need to deal with the consequences of her actions.

She needs to deal with the wreckage of her affair.

She needs to deal with the consequences of her lying.

If you roll over on this, you will set a pattern to roll over everytime she has some ridiculous requirement. 

Her respect for you will drop each time, and the fun with the affair man is fresh in her mind and growing. This is not what you want.

To stand up for yourself, let her see how ugly the lying and the affair really are. Then the affair man is not a fun memory, but a scourge every time she thinks about him. THis is what you want.

Do NOT let your woman make the leadership in these decisions. Every decision she will make (for now) will be in her interest and the affair man interest. 

Your leadership is what is needing to be demonstrated time and time again.


Insist to continue to the same councelor, that her lies and deciet will not set the standard for decisions, but that your love and desire to save the marriage will be the standard, and do not back down.



> This whole thing is a mess as situations like this are, but I need to stay positive and do what we need to do to work through this.
> 
> Thanks in advance for any insight.
> 
> onethirty8


This is indeed a mess, as affair always are.

Be strong, set your own vision of what your marriage needs to be, and follow through to make your vision the reality.

There is much help on these forums, and many people that can help.

I wish you well.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

cubsfn said:


> I would go back to the same counselor .. that person knows your history somewhat. Plus, if you go somewhere new doesn't that just give your wife another chance to lie?
> 
> SO what if she is embarrassed ... she is the one that had the EA/PA. If she wants to make it work ...


Her need to avoid being confronted by a professional is exactly why she must return with you to this very same counselor.

In addition, she needs to do it because you want her to do it. 

Insist.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

one,
As far as the sex goes, We went at it as soon as I saw that she sent him a no contact text and aggreed to full commitment to only me. So that took 10 or 12 hours That same day 

I confronted her at 7 AM, then took off for me/her to think, by 7pm we were haveing make up sex. Let me tell you, I was dam sure I was on top of my game this time, if you know what I mean;-)


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## onethirty8 (Oct 23, 2010)

Thanks for the replies so far. I kind of wanted a status check if you will. I am trying to keep a level head until I can think without so much emotion. 
She absolutely disgusts me right now to the point that sex with her would almost be impossible. I look at her like some of the one nighters I had back in school. Pitiful really, such selfishness she seems so filthy to me. Not to mention for the first time in our marriage I am ashamed she is the mother of my children just the other day she was trying to teach my 3 year old the difference between the truth and a lie. I wanted to puke!! 
We will see the same counselor. Thank you for the help with that I just wanted to make sure I wasn't over looking anything. 

Its really hard to stay sensible and not want to smash the hell stuff and leave. But I am able to do it, and will continue to do so.
Any other advise or lessons learned are very much welcomed. 

thanks

138


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## TwinsDad (Jul 6, 2010)

onethirty8 - my situation is a bit different in that my wife revealed the affair and told me it was over and that she would never see the OM again. This happened in July. We've had sex since, but I felt the same as you at first. I don't think we had any sex for about a month after.

I kinda wish I could have read the post from BigBadWolf soon after I found out about my wife's affair. Good advice. I think I've been too "accomodating" to my wife. She has pushed against starting counseling until it is more convenient for her (she is currently in training to become an exercise instructor and very busy with it). It has made me feel that our marriage was just not the top priority for her.

We've got young kids too and man do I know what you mean about seeing her trying to teach them about honesty! What a joke! I can't tell if that has occured to her, though.

Anyway, hang in there. Best of luck.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Onethirty8 I too am dealing with this seems we are close in timing also. I have done lots of reading lately. The most effective thing I found was the word counter intuitive basically do the opposite of what your feelings tell you. My wife has been so angry resentful, mean it seems the reveal brings reality to the situation and what has occurred as i understand up until then cheaters live in a fantasy world ...... nice huh.....messed up I say. I was emotional asked questions kept having unplanned conversations finally I blew up about 4 weeks after the reveal actually expressing most of my anger very verbally and vulgar to the point. I felt better and then I completly backed off and then the changes began. But now we are still waiting on Father time so I will post updates. Backing off seems to be key and I have made sure she knows i want to fix this but I will not be a doormat i think alot depends on her personality. Nothing is one size fits all good luck seek an individual counsel. Good luck stay strong.


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

BigBadWolf - As a WW, the thought of my BH acting like my dad is the LAST thing I need to get the attraction back. 

However, since my BH is currently being very passive and hasn't really shown much emotion or action since D-Day, I can see why I am having a hard time. I would prefer it and possibly feel more for him if it seemed like he cared enough to DO SOMETHING. And perhaps anything at this point would be better than nothing 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onethirty8 (Oct 23, 2010)

Heres a quick update. I went to see the counselor that we were working with and explained what was going on. I told her of some of my wifes excuses for wanting to switch to another counselor and she said that it was a good idea. Basically she said that if for any reason my wife didn't want to be there then there wasn't much hope for counseling. She has recommended us to one of her colleagues and we will meet with him on Monday. 
The thing I am having a hard time with is the lack of remorse. She acts like it was just something that happened and now its up to me to get over it. She has apologized a few times with an I'm sorry but sorry for what getting caught. She is so mad at me because I told her that I don't feel sexually attracted to her right now. As a matter fact sometimes when I see her I still want to puke. I found out about things on 10/12/10... I guess its one of the many things I need to deal with. A big part of me just dose not want to make any effort toward sex, I feel like that is the one thing that I have control of and it is the one reminder in our relationship that something happened and needs to be resolved or at least effort needs to be made to resolve it. Any advise? 
Am I wrong to feel like she should be the one to bring something back to our relationship or is it up to me to deal with her cheating and fixing a broken relationship. The scary thing is, is that the more I fix myself and try to do my part to fix "us" the more independent I become. The further I want to be from her, and I the same time I want to make progress. I guess I hate the thought of trying only to be a stand in for her other man. I feel like this may take forever to get through, if we can.
thanks for all the advise. To those of you going through the same thing stay strong, you are in my prayers!!!
onethirty8


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

onethirty8,

Remember what you are feeling and thinking is very normal, I hear some anger and disappointment in you in terms of who your wife has chosen to be.......I think in our heads our spouses are a certain way and that they really must think the way we thought, but what I have learned is that the person I thought my spouse was isn't who he really is, he is the man that made the decision to have his affair and he is also a man that would lie to cover up that decision. I don't like that man as much as the guy I thought he was......Disappointing.
I think the person that had the affair knows all the details and has it all straight in their head and the BS's just have to try to put all the pieces together with what we think they might be feeling and thinking.......I think we can be capable of thinking the worst of them whether it's now true or not......
I think at this point in your relationship you two should just open up the communication between you guys, talk about what needs have to met for both of you, what you can expect from each other in the future, I think you start slowly spending time together, holding hands, hugging and kissing and just take care of each other for now......When all that feels better than I think you will feel differently again about her sexually.....
You may always have that doubt and should you trust her again totally, NO, I think it's good to always keep on your toes to make sure you always do the work it takes for a good connection with your wife.......
As far as lessons to be taught by your wife when she speaks to your children, she knows right from wrong, she wasn't born yesterday........she is still helping your child be a honest person with integrity, she might even be relearning the lesson herself......everyone makes mistakes doesn't mean you can't change........
Just take it slower and I applaud you for asking for help and not just giving up.......it says a lot about who you are......I think you have it in to be a great husband and that might take some level of forgiveness .................being strong means being a fair, compassionate person..................


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Athena it sounds like you are at or were at the same point my wife is now. I am trying everything. I could use some pointers from you. Please look at my other posts.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

Hi 138... 

I am speaking from the standspoint of the WW... 

First of all, I have to applaud you for your outlook and your willingness to make this work. It's not easy to do. I commend you. 
Secondly, SHE needs to be more accountable. SHE needs to want to make this work as much (and even more so) than you do since you're the one who has been betrayed. Please don't lose sight of that. YOU are the BS.. She is the WS.. While you are trying to figure out ways to keep her with you, SHE Needs to figure out how to EARN YOUR TRUST and to SHOW YOU that she is worth the effort that you are willing to put forth to make your marriage succeed. You as her husband deserve that. Make her accountable for her actions in the affair AND what she does with the opportunity you're giving this marriage. It would attract her more to you, if she feels like she can REALLY lose you. (yes, strange but true) She doesn't need to see this man as a "great friend" - but more as a person who is an enemy to her. He assisted her in nearly destroying your marriage. On the other hand, YOU are her best friend.. YOU are the one who is forgiving to her and despite your pain, YOU are willing to make things work.... She does NOT need space. And yes, attention is always very helpful but not over the top. It May send a message to her that all is well... WHEN IT IS NOT. Communication here is what's mostly needed. My husband and I created a few lists when he found out about my affair. (And just a quick background, my affair was a retaliatory one. I never want to hear from the OM again..) So our lists were the following:
- Reasons for wanting to stay (and save) our marriage
- Things that I loved about him and he loved about me
- Things that we did not like about each other 
- Reasons for us both straying (or feelng the need to get our needs fulfilled else where) 
- Things we needed from one another to move past it 
- Goals, as a married couple and as individuals 

I have to tell you that we've been doing great. At first, I thought divorce was our only option. But we BOTH wanted this to work. And we are BOTH putting the efforts in. I made no excuse for what I did. I could've done SO MANY OTHER THINGS. But I didn't. I owned up to what I did. And so did he... We did counseling for a little while - which funny thing is, didn't work for us. We just did what worked for us.. 

And you mentioned intimacy. This is trickly. First off, I would recommend you making sure that all is well medically. I went to the doctor and showed my husband EVERYTHING so that he knew that everything was okay. He did the same for me. I would say to take this at your own pace. However, try not to be physically disconnected for TOO long. It will help alot with bonding you two. And if you're disconnected for too long, it make back fire. 

I hope all goes well for you and your wife...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

3 year old zombie thread alert...

C


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This thread is a couple of years old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Old post, from 2010!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK I am glad you want to R with your wife. It will be a long hard road and will take years to get there. You have to stop being concerned about how your wife feels right now. That is what has caused this in the firs place. Now is a time to be tough and take charge.

Who knows about the A? If her family and your do not know make sure the do and right away.

She needs to quit her job today! They work at the same company it does not matter if they see each other daily or not. 

She needs to get and STD test and so do you. Again today.

This POS OM is he married, GF? Out him right now. make sure his wife knows.

Go back to the same MC. She needs to let them know. She has to deal with what she has dones

You have to know that your five your marriage is dead and done. Your wife killed it. You can build a new marriage from here but the old one is not fixable.

Sex this is difficult but once the STD test is done. I hate to say this but be an Alpha male. Take back what is yours the bonding will help.

This is only going to work if you are tough not cruel but tough on your wife she has to really want to rebuild a marriage and be able to be honest with you.

I am sorry you are here it is a club no one wants to join. I was married for 29 years when this happened to me. I did all the wrong things at first and it will cost you and your marriage. Be tough

By the way the OM do not say one thing even nice about the guy he is a piece of crap and tell your wife just that. How could a friend want you to hurt your family. So he is a POS from here out. Yes your wife will grieve for losing him but that is really not your problem and remember that


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Unbelievable. Great advice there mahike. Time is of the essence. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Zombie thread


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Thoreau said:


> Unbelievable. Great advice there mahike. Time is of the essence. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:


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