# Giving up on 6 years



## Bee29 (Sep 14, 2015)

I haven't done anything like this before so bare with me as I tend to ramble! I have been married for 3 1/2 years, been together for 6 total. I've been considering counseling but I think I already gave up. I've done a lot of research and what I'm finding all confirms my beliefs that I am in a controlling relationship. My husband does not like it when I hang out with my friends and is constantly texting me to check up on me, even if I go to my mom's house.

I am basically a single parent to our child, i.e.- I do all the bathing, feeding, diaper changes, etc. But if I'm doing something different then the way my husband would, he steps in to let me know (he has children from a previous marriage). 

He has an extreme temper and has broken things and thrown things. He has never been physically abuse, but has threatened it. He has said he would never hit me, but in the same breath said if he ever did hit me I wouldn't wake up from it. 

There is absolutely no reasoning with him, the double standards in our relationship are laughable. He says I don't tell him what's wrong or how I'm feeling, but when I try to, he blows it off or says, get over it. Our arguments have no resolution. They just go in circles of blame. (This is where I feel counseling may help, but at the same time, I don't see him changing)

I mentioned that I was looking at apartments and that's when he started with the apologies and guilt of, don't you love me, and how can you just give up so quickly. But since then (months ago) nothing has really changed.

I don't know if this is worth going through anymore, but I think it could be worse if I leave? My friends say I should leave and my mom is supportive either way, she just wants me to be happy and sees that I'm not right now. 

Thoughts?


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

I have no real advice for you. Just wanted to tell you that I'm currently dealing with a similar situation in my marriage. 

You are not alone!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

The controlling husband is going to tell you everything you want to hear, now. He is going to change. Things will get better. 

Once, he sees that doesn't work, then, the blaming and guilt starts. You are giving up on us. You don't love me. You are expecting too much. Why can't you do what I tell you. It's all your fault. You don't listen. The list goes on.

You know your situation, you know that you're at the end. Time to take action. Look at your finances, see what you have at your disposal, get a new place. When you are ready to go, inform your local police and have them escort you out. That, way he can't do anything to you.

This is a very dangerous time. Make plans and get your support team around you. Until, then, take care. Do some research on leaving an abusive relationship.


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## Bee29 (Sep 14, 2015)

Clarity - I first read your post before deciding to share my story, and it was like reading my life. I'm sorry you're going through this! Hang in there!


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

Bee29 said:


> Clarity - I first read your post before deciding to share my story, and it was like reading my life. I'm sorry you're going through this! Hang in there!


Thank you! Same to you!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Outside of situations involving physical abuse or perhaps extreme financial mismanagement or something like that, you should always try marriage counseling first. If you feel like you can't commit to that, then your decision has already been made and our responses will be meaningless. I feel like you owe it to your child however to at least give it that one last committed effort, if not to yourself as well. You don't want to wonder down the road, "What if I had just tried..." Know what I mean?

Lastly, gotta ask, is there anyone else in the picture? Specifically, are there any other men you are talking to about this, or getting advice from?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Bee29 said:


> Thoughts?


Yes, is there any enjoyment from being married to him? Controlling, bad temper, doesn't help with child care... That's quite a bit to tolerate. Was he always like this?


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## Bee29 (Sep 14, 2015)

Baker - the responses aren't meaningless, that's why I'm on here. The only advice I'm getting is from my friends and I need an outside look. I'm not perfect, I'm not putting all the blame on my husband, but I just don't see this improving. I feel like counseling would only pacify the situation for a while and it would go back to the same thing. This isn't new, we've been on this roller coaster of good and bad our whole relationship, it just seems to be getting worse.


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## Bee29 (Sep 14, 2015)

Steve1000 said:


> Bee29 said:
> 
> 
> > Thoughts?
> ...


There used to be enjoyment, now I feel like anything I do or say is wrong. It's like walking on egg shells. The temper has kind of always been there but it seems to be getting worse. The controlling wasn't always there. I don't know what sparked it, I haven't been unfaithful or given any reason for him not to trust me.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Bee29 said:


> Baker - the responses aren't meaningless, that's why I'm on here. The only advice I'm getting is from my friends and I need an outside look. I'm not perfect, I'm not putting all the blame on my husband, but I just don't see this improving. I feel like counseling would only pacify the situation for a while and it would go back to the same thing. This isn't new, we've been on this roller coaster of good and bad our whole relationship, it just seems to be getting worse.


I will tell you this, five years ago my wife was saying the same thing. She was done, she wasn't going to consider counseling at that point because we had tried it before but ultimately because she just felt that there was really no chance that things would change long term for the better. As you said, the situation might "pacify" but ultimately end up where we started.

The difference for us/me, is that she delivered to me a "wake-up call" that made it crystal clear to me that it was all very real. I know a lot of guys (women too probably) often won't change their bad habits or false perceptions, or even consider changing them, until they are truly put in a situation where they realize that they are going to lose their marriage/family if they don't reconsider. Wives get upset, storm out, complain repeatedly, etc. but for some guys, if they feel like they can get away with not really having to deal with it, they won't. Then they are "shocked" when their wife announces one day that she is leaving him and serves him with divorce papers, with her 100% convinced that he'll never change, meanwhile he is left thinking, "Whoa! I had no idea she was this serious about this, or that the problems were this bad!" At that point, often the husband is VERY willing to do whatever it takes to repair the marriage and make the changes he should make, but she has so solidified her resolve to go through with the divorce that absolutely nothing will slow her down.

It's unfortunate, but that's how it often works. So I know you've done your best to get through to him, but have you ever sat him down and delivered a "wake up call"? Like, "Honey, I'm miserable, and have been for a long time. I've done my best to make clear to you that certain things in your behavior need to change, that our relationship needs to change, but time and time again it's become evident that nothing is changing. I'm not willing to continue living like this, and at that point I'm really not in love with you anymore. I wish we could make this marriage work, but at this point I'm just not willing to believe that you will change anything. If you feel like trying to prove me wrong, then you are certainly welcome to give it a try, but I'll have to see it for myself because I'm just not going to believe any promises any more. In the meantime, I think it would be best for us to discuss living arrangements, divorce plans, and how we'll handle co-parenting."

You might notice how I left just the tiniest bit of hope in there for him. If he loves you, he'll probably feel blindsided and will be looking for that shred of hope. If so, then that is what he can latch on to and work towards, all while hopefully being as caring and considerate as possible. This way, even if you are 100% certain he won't ever change, you can work your way towards a proper divorce with him being helpful and reasonable about it (not wanting to blow his chance at a reconciliation) without delay, while leaving open the option that he might surprise you.

Just a thought.


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## Bee29 (Sep 14, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> Bee29 said:
> 
> 
> > Baker - the responses aren't meaningless, that's why I'm on here. The only advice I'm getting is from my friends and I need an outside look. I'm not perfect, I'm not putting all the blame on my husband, but I just don't see this improving. I feel like counseling would only pacify the situation for a while and it would go back to the same thing. This isn't new, we've been on this roller coaster of good and bad our whole relationship, it just seems to be getting worse.
> ...


I appreciate the insight. I have given him the, I'm not happy, this isn't working speech. He has agreed things are bad, but I don't think he sees his faults completely. He tells me it's in my head and my friends are trying to ruin the marriage. He wanted to start fresh and put everything in the past, clean slate. The first argument we had after that conversation, all of the past came back out. When I told him I was looking at apartments, he told me if I was going to leave, all my stuff better be out in a day or it would end up on the curb. So I let the conversation go and told him I was willing to try. But I feel like a fraud, I'm on edge and stressed out all the time, wondering what's going to set him off this time. It's hard to want to try when I feel like I'm dealing with a time bomb. He's told me he would consider counseling, but in the past has said that counselors are a joke. Which makes me think he's just grasping at straws, trying to keep me thinking there's hope. His actions and words are proving otherwise. I just don't know how long I should play this game.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Bee29 said:


> I appreciate the insight. I have given him the, I'm not happy, this isn't working speech. He has agreed things are bad, but I don't think he sees his faults completely. He tells me it's in my head and my friends are trying to ruin the marriage. He wanted to start fresh and put everything in the past, clean slate. The first argument we had after that conversation, all of the past came back out. When I told him I was looking at apartments, he told me if I was going to leave, all my stuff better be out in a day or it would end up on the curb. So I let the conversation go and told him I was willing to try. But I feel like a fraud, I'm on edge and stressed out all the time, wondering what's going to set him off this time. It's hard to want to try when I feel like I'm dealing with a time bomb. He's told me he would consider counseling, but in the past has said that counselors are a joke. Which makes me think he's just grasping at straws, trying to keep me thinking there's hope. His actions and words are proving otherwise. I just don't know how long I should play this game.


A few thoughts from your response:

*"He tells me it's in my head and my friends are trying to ruin the marriage."* This speaks volumes. I used to be the same way. She would complain about something (as you have) and I completely disagreed with her view. For instance, she might say that she doesn't feel loved by me. That's awful right? I couldn't make sense of such a statement from her though. Why? First, because I knew darn well that I loved her. Further, I knew that I showed her love in all kinds of ways. So I'd list all the different ways that I had shown her love, all the different ways I would take care of her, all the ways I was a great husband to her, and had never hurt her or lied or cheated or stolen or blah blah blah. Basically I'd make my case to her for why she was wrong. Yes, why her FEELINGS were wrong. Often times I'd even convince her that I was right, and she'd basically walk away wondering what was wrong with her for feeling that way.

The bottom line that he needs to understand but doesn't yet is that it *does not matter why you feel the way you do,* whether it is "in your head" or not, whether your friends planted these ideas in you or not, etc. It just doesn't matter! So this tells me again that, probably despite your best efforts, you have not gotten the message through to him. I used to believe that if I was "right" then she couldn't leave me, that wouldn't be "_fair_" after all. When she did leave me, that's when I realized where I had gone wrong. THAT'S when I finally started to think differently and throw my previous understanding out the window.

Ultimately, it sounds like your husband just doesn't get it yet. If you look at it from his perspective, his actions might even make sense. If he thinks it's all in your head or that you're friends are poisoning your mind or that this is just an emotional phase of some kind you are going through, then it might make sense that most of this isn't really his fault, that there isn't much he needs to change, and that playing the waiting game might be the best solution. I'd say he still needs that wake up call that makes it crystal clear to him that he can feel right all day long, that he can believe what he wants to about whether the way you feel is right or wrong, but he'll get to do so while living alone and getting served divorce papers.

Unfortunately, but declaring that you were ready to move out on your own and then backing away from that when he called your bluff, you probably made it worse. It may very well be that the best thing you could do for yourself, and potentially your marriage, would be to deliver him a new wake-up call and actually leave. Whether thats a new apartment of your own, or moving in with a friend or family, separating bank accounts, etc. Then see what happens. He can respond self righteously and start getting angry and vindictive, or he can sit down and look at the empty side of the bed and rethink his situation a bit, finally faced with the reality that his wife has left him, and she will not be coming back unless some serious issues are addressed her way.

Either way, it's win-win. Either your husband reforms and becomes a great husband, or you leave a bad marriage and move on to greener pastures, no?


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

I am in the process of getting out of my relationship. My wife is very controlling. She doesnt see it either. We have had multiple talks, and tried many different ways. She has had an on going emotional affair, that recently turned into sexting. I gave our relationship my all, i did everything I could to try to fix it. In the end it takes both people to fix a bad relationship. I spoke to my mother and my father. My mother told me, when divorce is the best option you will know it. My father remained neutral.

I went to individual counseling, I went on here, I also sat in the shower for over half an hour. I just sat there and thought about my life and where it was headed. I thought about what made me happy and what made me sad or nothing at all.

I then went to my desk with a few pieces of paper. I wrote out a heart felt letter. I started with the present and it turned into about 15 pages. I had no intention of giving it to my wife, it was mainly an attempt to reach clarity.

Afterwards, I made my choice to divorce. I stuck by that choice. First I distanced myself, every fight or argument I did my best to be objective and see the reason for the fight. It started to push me further away, and more accepting of my decision.

My wife last week started a fight, I remained distant. I didnt feed into her controlling insults. Some were bad too. I still remained apathetic and made my distance in the conversation known. She threw a book at me, I caught it and set it down on a table. She got madder and madder. She literally followed me from room to room yelling and spazzing out on me. I walked out got in my truck and drove to Dairy Queen. 

Now every time she fights me, I leave or I do something where I cant hear her. Last night I went into my garage and started grinding rust off the frame of my 1972 Nova. 

I wish I decided to do all this sooner.
The reason why I shared this, is because you are at a point where you know what you want. The issue isn't whether your happy or not. You aren't. The issue is your looking at the big picture. Your standing on one side of the wall, in dead grass, trying to see if the grass is greener on the other side. If you have no love then it is. You may be alone, but after you realize you made the right choice you will feel a thousand times lighter.

To add, if you two are fighting constantly this is in no way good for your child. When the baby gets older it will be teaching him/her that this is ok in a relationship. Do you want your child thinking this? I wouldnt, I didnt, this is a big reason why I left.


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## Bee29 (Sep 14, 2015)

I know I'm not happy. I hate the person I've become, so angry and bitter all the time. And stressed about everything. This isn't the way a marriage or life should be. But now for the past week we haven't had a fight. It hasn't been great either. My work schedule is pretty much 7 on, 7 off, so we haven't seen much of each other. I'm just sick of this being the only thing I think about. 

To address the issue of having a child: I do think the environment he is in is a toxic one, however it's hard to tell if leaving would make things better for him. Sure he wouldn't be in a negative household all the time, but be would still have visitation with his father. And the lack of attention my son receives now, I just worry about what it would be like if I wasn't here. I just don't know what to do


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Bee29 said:


> I am in a controlling relationship.... He has an extreme temper and has broken things and thrown things. He has never been physically abuse, but has threatened it.


Bee, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, irrational jealousy, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might be exhibiting strong traits of it.



> I feel like anything I do or say is wrong. It's like *walking on egg shells*.


If your H actually does have strong BPD traits, this is _exactly_ how you should be feeling. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _*Stop Walking on Eggshells*._



> I don't know if this is worth going through anymore.... Thoughts?


My advice, Bee, is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your young child are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at _*18 Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my post in *Clarity's thread* and in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If those descriptions ring any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you avoid a toxic situation and decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion. Take care, Bee.


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## Bee29 (Sep 14, 2015)

While some of the things on the list do seem to match, I don't think that is the case. I have made an appointment with a counselor, so hopefully I will get the help I need. Thank you everyone for your insight and thoughts. I do appreciate it!


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## Bee29 (Sep 14, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> Bee29 said:
> 
> 
> > I appreciate the insight. I have given him the, I'm not happy, this isn't working speech. He has agreed things are bad, but I don't think he sees his faults completely. He tells me it's in my head and my friends are trying to ruin the marriage. He wanted to start fresh and put everything in the past, clean slate. The first argument we had after that conversation, all of the past came back out. When I told him I was looking at apartments, he told me if I was going to leave, all my stuff better be out in a day or it would end up on the curb. So I let the conversation go and told him I was willing to try. But I feel like a fraud, I'm on edge and stressed out all the time, wondering what's going to set him off this time. It's hard to want to try when I feel like I'm dealing with a time bomb. He's told me he would consider counseling, but in the past has said that counselors are a joke. Which makes me think he's just grasping at straws, trying to keep me thinking there's hope. His actions and words are proving otherwise. I just don't know how long I should play this game.
> ...


Well I told him I made us a counselling appointment, and now he doesn't want to go. He said how is someone that doesn't know us going to tell us how to get better. And now when I try to explain how I'm feeling or explain what is wrong, he blames it all on me for being the one thinking about moving out. I guess I shot myself in the foot on that one.....

He still doesn't see that his behavior is wrong. And now is justifying anything negative he does on the fact that I said I was looking at apartments. The blame is back. He said why should he try if I'm going to leave anyway. I told him I haven't left yet and that he should be giving me reasons to stay not pushing me away further.


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## mmcm3333 (Sep 12, 2015)

I was going to write that you shouldn't dismiss counseling until you're tried it. I was going to say you should try to keep your home in-tact for the sake of your child, but the more I thought about it, and put myself in your shoes, I changed my mind. 

Your husband's temper is at least about things for now. Still, someone throwing and breaking things is not a good situation for your child. They're watching and learning and probably scared. The thing that got me was that he said he could put you out if he resorted to violence against you. That's a really odd and scary statement. That's a valid threat. When I thought about it, if my husband was showing his violence against objects (or even not)- if he said that to me, I'd leave. I'd alert my family, keep quiet, DON'T say anything, wait for my husband to go to work, pack up everything I could (including the dogs/cats) and quietly and quickly get out of there. You can always deal with things later, but remove yourself and your child (and your pets if you have them) from this situation immediately.

This may seem over the top/extreme, but if someone made any threat to my life, even passively, I'd take that very seriously and not take any risks or pretend they didn't mean it especially when they've shown violent tendencies. I'd think about my child (and pets) and wouldn't take a chance on this.

When I really thought about this, I got sick to my stomach. While he's not shown you personal violence, he's already shown his temper and that he can't control it. You don't know that it won't quickly switch from stuff to you or your child (or your pets). I will never willingly become a statistic, so I'd just remove myself from this ASAP. But again, keep it quiet- alert your family, but don't tell your husband, be nice and sweet and let him leave the house. If you tell him, you don't know what could happen. He could just break every dish or he could decide this is when he needs to switch to physical violence against your or your child. I might be making a bigger issue than needed, but again, if my husband threatened me, I'd get the hell away as quietly and quickly as possible.

Be prepared for your husband's reaction when he learns you're gone. Be ready to record all phone calls and have someone there to listen in when you answer. If he's threatening or violent, call the police. They can help you with your options, file a restraining order, etc. Remember that CPS is a choice, though we sometimes here they're harder on the non-offending parent that the offending parent (not always, though). 

Just don't sit around waiting to see if he changes. You have valid reasons to leave and valid reasons to fear him. No matter what the issues are, this is not okay. I really thought about it and I said what I'd do. I'd rather react extremely than sit and wait for the worst to happen.


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## Bee29 (Sep 14, 2015)

mmcm3333 said:


> I was going to write that you shouldn't dismiss counseling until you're tried it. I was going to say you should try to keep your home in-tact for the sake of your child, but the more I thought about it, and put myself in your shoes, I changed my mind.
> 
> Your husband's temper is at least about things for now. Still, someone throwing and breaking things is not a good situation for your child. They're watching and learning and probably scared. The thing that got me was that he said he could put you out if he resorted to violence against you. That's a really odd and scary statement. That's a valid threat. When I thought about it, if my husband was showing his violence against objects (or even not)- if he said that to me, I'd leave. I'd alert my family, keep quiet, DON'T say anything, wait for my husband to go to work, pack up everything I could (including the dogs/cats) and quietly and quickly get out of there. You can always deal with things later, but remove yourself and your child (and your pets if you have them) from this situation immediately.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your opinion, I often think it would be easier to leave if he actually hit me. I have pretty thick skin and can deal with a lot, so it's hard for me to justify leaving over temper tantrums. At the same time, I don't think it's smart to sit and wait for something worse to happen. I'm a smart person, I don't understand why it took so long to see this. Right now I just need the strength and courage to finally leave.


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## Bee29 (Sep 14, 2015)

I decided to move out. Now I need to decide, do I tell him or just go? We will have to share custody with my son, so I don't want to make things worse than they already will be. I'm scared to death and I don't know what to do.....


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Bee29 said:


> Do I tell him or just go? .... I'm scared to death and I don't know what to do.


Bee, as I noted last September (post 15 above), the behaviors you describe are classic warning signs for BPD. I mention this again because, if he has strong BPD traits, you have good reason to be scared. A BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment -- and he is prone to be vindictive and mean when his anger is triggered. The problem with a BPDer is not that he is a bad man. On the contrary, most BPDers are basically good people. 

Rather, the problem is that a BPDer has little control over his emotions because something happened in early childhood that stunted his emotional growth. Being emotionally unstable, a BPDer can erupt in a temper tantrum in less than 10 seconds -- at very little provocation, the very same way a four year old boy will do. But, unlike the boy, a BPDer partner has the intelligence, knowledge, and body strength of a full-grown man.

If this is the case with your H, you would be wise to have some other people around assisting you with the move out. Or, if you are certain you can quickly move out while he is at work, at least plan to meet him at a public place to break the news -- or do it over the phone, not privately. 

Also, it would be prudent to start carrying a VAR at all times when you will be speaking with him, e.g., when exchanging your child. That way you can start building a record of his temper tantrums in case you have to use it during a child custody hearing. And you will have a record of any threats he makes (like the time he said you would not wake up again if he chooses to hit you) in case you need to call the police.

I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily -- the most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. It offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the *"Leaving"* board and the *"Co-Parenting after the Split"* board. 

While you are at that website, I suggest you read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10). Please take care, Bee.


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