# Turning down the thermostat-in the bedroom too?



## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

I was very thankful to find the thread about the thermostat metaphor for relationships. I'm definitely the (red) hot one in ours. 

Until I read the thread, I didn't really realize just how much I was hanging on him, almost constantly! Not only that but constant compliments, both to him and to others about it, praising him constantly (not insincerely), thinking about him a lot during the day and how I could please him in all ways. A lot of times I would almost experience anxiety because of this. As other "hot" people can recognize, I believed that all these things were positive things, and clearly expressed all the love and admiration I have for him. After reading the thread, to say I'm cringing a bit at my behavior would be an understatement! 

I don't feel bad about it-after all, my actions were out of love, but I now understand why things were the way they were. The more I felt he withdrew, the more I ramped up the expressions of love. 

So, I'm going through day 2 today of the thermostat "rebalancing" plan and although it had a few hiccups, for the most part it has gone really well, and I feel that I'm definitely doing the right thing. It is hard because a lot of my constant touching and hugging and compliments come very naturally and without thinking too much, so I've had to be careful! 

However, there is one aspect of the whole "thermostat" plan that I'm not sure how to relate to, and that is related to sex. Should I be laying low about that as well? Earlier I was talking to him about sex (not sure exactly what, but it was an article I read) and I did relate it back to me (us) just commenting on how we had experienced something similar. He just stayed quiet and didn't make any comment whatsoever and seemed disinterested. I then said to him something like, "It seems like you've been under a lot of stress, and not so interested in sex lately." I said it in a calm, understanding way, not accusing, and he agreed with it as well. He didn't seem annoyed or angry, just not interested in continuing the conversation. Should I avoid initating "sexy" stories/talk/conversation too, and let that be another area where I let him take the initiative? I just get nervous with our history of dead bedroom issues :scratchhead:

Part of my "hot" thermostat is that I love to please him in all aspects, but obviously in the bedroom as well. I will ask him straight up if he has any fun ideas, or anything he'd like to try, often reminding him that I'm up for it and would love to try out new things. I might offer a massage or ask if there's anything I can do. Based on his reaction I can see now that I had gone into the hyper "hot" thermostat mode and it was more of a turn off than a turn on. 

It's a difficult area for me because I have a very high sex drive, and talk about sex very openly, and like to do so with him as well so we both feel comfortable and open to discussing anything without it being awkward or embarrassing. 

The last two months the sex has been infrequent, and I've practically had to beg for it. The strange thing is that all of the times we have had sex these last months, I walked away with a very weird feeling. To use a vulgar term it felt like hatef**king. Now, I know he definitely does not hate me. But the sex was really oddly impersonal and very rough. He never kissed me, or caressed me or really did anything gentle/loving. I didn't really feel like we were having sex, it was more like I was an object. Is that likely related to the thermostat issues? 

As a side note, our relationship hit a crisis in October which I've posted about here. I don't know if this post might help some gain more perspective. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconc...elp-make-changes-needed-save.html#post6120242


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> He could be harboring resentment.
> 
> The hornier I've been and the more aggressive about wanting crazy, fun sex, the less loving I am. The more I'm teased, the greater the desire for, "taking it", and naturally, that will seem less loving and sweet.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your thoughts here! And yes, I definitely want him to desire me for his needs! 
Also-if it came off as complaining, it wasn't meant to be. It was an observation I made about the sex seeming to have changed in that mannerism, and I wondered if it was related at all to the thermostat issue.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Hi WW

Well,
I will assume you two are fairly young.

I will just throw out a few thoughts:

He may just be not that bright?

There is a lot of material on the web about women needing/liking rough sex. Perhaps he sees that you are a bit more sexual than other girls he has experienced and believes he is doing something you like?

Maybe he has his own fetish's that he is to embraced to discuss?

Perhaps he is just like many of our souses and has a low drive and is just really bad at sex? 

I don't know. I will have to read about this thermostat thing.


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I did not think you were complaining. And, I'm no expert. I just gave one opinion. You will get more. Hang in there. Nothing wrong with asking.


Thank you! I'm a bit on edge having to be so conscious about all my moves and stop the constant suffocating.


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Hi WW
> 
> Well,
> I will assume you two are fairly young.
> ...


We are in our mid-late thirties. And actually I do like rough sex, and he knows that. However, it's not the norm, and he normally likes to slow things down in between as that's what HE prefers. I think it was more of a feeling I had-sort of like I wasn't really there, he was just getting off? May have been me reading too much into it. 

He's not bad at sex at all though, and I'm pretty happy with it the majority of the time, its just a bit of a minefield right now trying to find my footing regarding the thermostat issue. Which, btw, for those wondering:



> In an LTR the ideal emotional temperature is one that BOTH people are comfortable with. Couples often “fight” for decades over the “thermostat” setting. He likes it really warm and constantly shows and wants to be shown love. She is likes it cooler and dislikes constantly being barraged with “love” as it makes her feel emotionally crowded. She starts seeing him as “clingy and insecure” and she withdraws. He clings harder, she pulls back further feeling ever more crowded. Sex dies and he frantically tries to raise the temperature using an ever increasing stream of love. She loses respect and ends it or has an affair.
> When you overheat someone with too much love, THEIR natural reaction is to try to “cool off” by giving you less love and less OR by provoking conflict to get you to go BACK UP. And they often reduce/stop having sex with you because when they already feel overheated/claustrophobic the LAST thing they want is the intense closeness of sex


Full thread at : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Those kinds of guides are fairly worthless unless your situation happens to fit exactly.

Has he said that you are too clingy or compliment him too much or he needs more time to himself?

What is it exactly you are trying to change about your relationship?
-just the frequency which used to be high and now it is low?


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Those kinds of guides are fairly worthless unless your situation happens to fit exactly.
> 
> Has he said that you are too clingy or compliment him too much or he needs more time to himself?
> 
> ...


No, he has never said directly, but it seems to be a good explanation for his behavior now. And I realize that I am always initiating everything-it wouldn't hurt to
step back and give him some space. 

I'm just trying to understand the sudden lack of affection/intimacy/compliments, and also
figure out why the previous episodes of sex seemed to be so different too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

How often as he initiated and what has the frequency been in the past -outside of the first few years of the relationship? 

Do you think that it is possible that his libido has just dropped some? Or perhaps there was new relationship sex and now this is ongoing relationship sex? 

I mean if we are talking about technique and not just frequency I do not see exactly how you could have considered him to be good in the past and now all the sudden not good. 

Good is also about communication in my opinion and your two's communication does not seem to be that good. 

I guess I might have also suggested that he could have some sort of physical, mental, drug or porn problem?

I guess libido can start dropping in some men at that age.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Welcome wandering! I'm glad you signed on. I love it when other highly sexual women post. We need to shatter the myth that men "always" want sex more than women.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

You are right, well I knew it must happen some but had no idea it was so common.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why didn't you have children with him if I may ask?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> The last two months the sex has been infrequent, and I've practically had to beg for it. The strange thing is that all of the times we have had sex these last months, I walked away with a very weird feeling. To use a vulgar term it felt like hatef**king. Now, I know he definitely does not hate me. But the sex was really oddly impersonal and very rough. He never kissed me, or caressed me or really did anything gentle/loving. I didn't really feel like we were having sex, it was more like I was an object. Is that likely related to the thermostat issues?


If you feel there was some wrong, off or different, you are probably right. You know him, and it sounds like you pay very close attention to his moods and actions. You would know if the sex felt different.

If it felt like hatef*cking, then yes, he's very likely resentful about something. Personally, I'd back off, for a long, long time, because I don't like that kind of sex, and I'd feel insulted. Or I might have said something in that moment, like wtf? You might choose to talk with him about it if you didn't like how it felt.


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> How often as he initiated and what has the frequency been in the past -outside of the first few years of the relationship?
> 
> ....


Some answers to your questions here: 

He has a very hard time initiating. He always has. However, last year he had an epiphany and decided that he wanted to change that, and that he wanted to overcome his fears of rejection and just initiate more often. He did for awhile but it's kind of gone back to the way it was. I don't really mind though. For me its not a big deal to initiate, and I also feel like I can read his body language enough that I know when he's not that interested in sex. 

To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what is going on with his libido. I do think it has a lot to do with a great deal of stress he is currently dealing with at work, as well as our teenage son that has Aspergers as well as a number of psychiatric problems in addition. It can pretty easily kill anyone's sex drive.

I'm not complaining about his technique now, or ever. He's always been great for me. My point was that it suddenly changed and I was left with that weird feeling of being "used" which was something I'd never felt before, and wondered if it was connected to me "smothering" him in other areas so that he did not feel the desire to be "gentle". I understand I may have been explaining this in a confusing way. 

We do have good communication, but he definitely has a tendency to withdraw in times of stress. The only area we struggle with a little is communicating about sex. He seems to have trouble expressing his thoughts/fantasies. If I try to prod him or share my own, he usually just agrees or doesn't have much to say. It can be a bit grating for me, because I have to dig to get answers. I try to ask him all kinds of things, suggest things, but it's hard to get him to be specific, so I end up being the one to try out new things or suggest specific things. Not sure how to change that! I would love him to make a request, but he never really has. 

He doesn't have a porn problem. We're very open about porn and share computers/passwords. Nothing to hide. I know he looks at porn and so do I (probably not as much as him). He does have ADHD and some depressive tendencies. He has also struggled with his weight for awhile and is trying to lose weight. I think it's great that he wants to do that but it doesn't change anything for me, I think he looks great no matter what. 

I feel like I'm going a little off topic here, because the main point I was seeking feedback on was the thermostat conflict issue, and wondering if my "smothering" was causing issues in the bedroom as well, and that I should back off with all the sexual innuendo/teasing/ect while I am in the midst of "trying to turn the thermostat down" to counteract the previous "smothering" I realized I was doing.


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Welcome wandering! I'm glad you signed on. I love it when other highly sexual women post. We need to shatter the myth that men "always" want sex more than women.



Hi! Thanks, I'm glad that there are more of us out there! It's not easy to be in a relationship where as the woman you are the higher libido. I feel like its more acceptable for guys somehow. And I don't know if some guys feel like its emasculating or a turn off.


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Why didn't you have children with him if I may ask?


We do have children, one 17 year old


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

norajane said:


> If you feel there was some wrong, off or different, you are probably right. You know him, and it sounds like you pay very close attention to his moods and actions. You would know if the sex felt different.
> 
> If it felt like hatef*cking, then yes, he's very likely resentful about something. Personally, I'd back off, for a long, long time, because I don't like that kind of sex, and I'd feel insulted. Or I might have said something in that moment, like wtf? You might choose to talk with him about it if you didn't like how it felt.


Yeah, I think you're right. I mean, saying hatef**king sounds a bit extreme, but that's the thought that popped into my head so I just went with using that term now. I have no problem with rough sex and enjoy it but usually he will do things in between that make it clear he is there with me enjoying it, maybe kissing my neck, pulling my hair, playful biting or spanking lightly, things like that, which he did not do any of. He was also not as considerate as he usually is-such as being careful not to hurt me by being "too" rough, instead it felt like he was getting frustrated and just sort of taking it out on me? 

It is SO hard backing off, I am pretty much physically restraining myself at this point and using a ton of energy to stop myself from pestering him in a sexual way. I'm just being upbeat, positive/confident, interested, but not initiating any physical contact and not trying to be sexual or tease him sexually/talk to him about sex. It's hard but I do feel instinctively that this is the best thing to do for now. I don't feel rejected, but I understand that he needs some breathing space and that I am doing this out of love and respect, but it is not easy to restrain yourself from what is second nature. It's going to be interesting to see what kind of results come out of this after a week or so!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"And I don't know if some guys feel like its emasculating or a turn off."

I do not recall ever seeing any LD men post so I do not have much idea what they think. 

I suppose that it could be though. Society tends to type cast guys as being the higher drive and maybe not being so would make some guys feel like a failure. 

If he is LD maybe it is not anger he is showing but lack of real interest. He is starting to think of it more as a chore that needs to be done?

But suppose he is feeling emasculated? The cure you are proposing is to turn down the thermostat, -if he is low drive he will probably like that and not respond by wanting sex more often.

No normal HD guy will be turned off by their SO wanting them a lot. Although I suppose that it is possible to actually suffocate a person and some people need more personal space than others but I would think that there would be other indications than anger sex.


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> "And I don't know if some guys feel like its emasculating or a turn off."
> 
> I do not recall ever seeing any LD men post so I do not have much idea what they think.
> 
> ...


Hi again, thanks for your feedback! 

I don't think that he thinks of sex as a chore, even if he is LD, I believe that is a side effect of the current level of stress. He is currently covering for 2 people in his already stressful job until they return from sick leave, so its been extraordinary circumstances. We are having sex-just not as often as usual. For example last month we had sex about once a week. It's been about 2 weeks since last time. 

I never thought he was expressing anger-as I said, I used the word "hatef**k" but that wasn't quite the right word either, just trying to express the feeling I had after our last few times. 

I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding you here? But my thought is-I am (have been) suffocating him, and need to step back. Judging by his reactions, it seems like even talking sex/relationships brings a similar reaction, as if he needs breathing space. So my question is more about how to act sexually during this period of me giving him some more space.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

He quite likely is harboring some sort of resentment that you cannot see or don't want to. That's not meant to blame or in anyway admonish you so please don't take it that way. His resentment issues may not even be legitimate to anyone else but him. 

I have that problem in my marriage. But I feel my resentments are real and to most others they would too. Although I have been clear to my wife as to what they are many times, and she agrees she needs to work on them, she simply never does.

If I was to have sex with my wife now I would not be inclined to be loving towards her as I once was. It would be get off sex and that's it.

Be very aware of things he may be resentful of. Not saying this is the situation for you, just throwing my own experience out there. Good luck


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I quoted this because there are quite a few good questions in this post that can be answered. It doesn't seem like this person is being judgmental, just wondering and can't understand, like you. I did not go back to where I first posted and read from there. I only read this last page. So, if this has been covered, I don't know.
> 
> I'm gonna put this out there for you. I'll expect to get beaten up. You want the truth, Wanderingwheat? I'm going to give you the best possible answer that I can give from my own experiences with LD.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry if I came across as accusing or judgemental, that was certainly not my intention. 

I love my husband exactly how he is now. He does not need to change anything. I have no issue with him being LD. It's OK. He shows his love in lots of ways, and bedroom issues have an ebb and flow. I don't even have a need to call him LD, it's all relative-we are having sex, just not as often as I would like. 

Basically I am only trying to restore balance to our relationship after realizing that I was possibly overwhelming/suffocating him. There are no anger issues here, although there certainly could be some resentment if I've been too touchy-feely or sexual with him when he was not feeling it. 

I'm all ears to hear your thoughts. Let me know if I've answered your questions or if you are still unsure.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

OK so it is not really angry sex but maybe not as passionate and you think he is stressed.

Sounds like a reasonable assumption. 

Why do you think that you are "overwhelming/suffocating" him?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Read up on Pursuer-Distancer relationship dynamics.

If he is a Distancer, he gets very anxious when someone gets too close. He may be interpreting your high temp as threatening to him. The more you chase, the more he runs.

I think it is very closely aligned with the Thermostat theory, though it is a different psychology and it is more extreme than Thermostat.


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