# Is this the end?



## SuziQ41 (Feb 10, 2014)

Hi, I'm new (so be gentle) 

I'm 51 and in my second marriage. I have 2 adult sons (one lives with us after college), he has 2 adult daughters. Our amrriage is pretty great, except....

He can lose his temper and just lose it. Over nothing. And then he is mean and bullying and not violent, but scary anyway.

He tried therapy, but couldn't find a good therapist. We tried a retreat. Things get better for awhile, But then we have a night when we're both stressed, and he snaps. 

He promised last fall to find us a counselor. And then let everything get in the way....holidays, work, daughters, .....excuses. And I told him that he was giving me his word to get this done and if he didn't, it would tell me about his commitment. And he didn't. 

He wasn't abused as a child. His parents were amazing according to him and everyone I've met. Yet he feels insecure and unlovable like many of us. 

Anyway, last Thursday he flipped and when I quietly left the room, he followed me. I asked him to give me time to calm down, and he kept yelling, so I left the room and went to the bedroom. He came in and I shouted at him to leave me alone and he flopped on the bed and said he will do what he wants - like a petulant child. so I left and went to go for a drive, and he puffed out his chest and blocked my way. somehow I went past him, grabbed the keys and drove around for hours until he went to sleep. 

I know this could be an amazing marriage if he would get help. But that is so scary for him. 

So here we are: he promises he will make the calls tomorrow to get help for us. I told him I would go to counseling with him, but there is no promise from me beyond that. My fear is that he will give up when it gets hard. He was a golden boy who had everything come easy to him and gives up when it is hard.

I make him sound horrible, but he us a kind and generous and sensitive man. He has a flaw. A flaw that I won't live with any more. 

And I hate being in the place where I am waiting to see if someone else will decide the course of my life. 

Anyway, if you respond, please be gentle.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

has he ever hit you?

has he ever broken things in your home when angry?

is he like this with friends and family?

are you pushing his hot buttons when this happens?


dose he apoligise after he acts this way? and does he mean it or is it forced?


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## SuziQ41 (Feb 10, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> has he ever hit you?
> 
> has he ever broken things in your home when angry?
> 
> ...


HE has never hit me. He has broken things a while back, but not in the last couple of years. He gets angry with others, but not like this. With others he keeps himself in check. 

I am NOT pushing any buttons. I don't have to. I have learned how to have a conversation when angey without hurting the other person, without hurting the relationship, but he hasn't.

He admits that he is trying to hurt me AND after saying awful things, he is trying to get a reaction in me to make me lose my cool so that he won't look like the "bad guy".

He apologizes and changes somewhat for awhile. But if he is feeling stressed or has a bad day, then I know if we spend time together that he will do it again. 

This time, I have been different. I've not gone back to "everything is fine" behavior. And he got that. 
He has set up an individual therapist and we're going to a couples counselor tomorrow. 

He admits that if he doesn't change it will kill the relationship. 

And he admits that he doesn't like doing this kind of hard work.

His whole life things have come easy for him and if it wasn't easy, he didn't do it. 

And his parents never disciplined him for outbursts. The would just ignore them. They never taught him as a child how to deal with his anger responsibly.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

whoa. Reading your posts, I could have written much of this myself... eerie. Has your husband always been like this? Mine was definitely not for years, he only became that way about a year ago. Same things; gets angry over extremely small things, cannot be calmed down even when I am calm, and aims to hurt me in what he says and won't stop until he has me either in tears or angry as well. It has definitely heightened my own temper many times with him. I hate it. I am working hard not to be like him and to remain calm and be a person of good character. He will say the most horrible things over something that most people wouldn't even find worth fighting over at all. I think his parents (dad) taught him to value possessions over people, and so he enjoys his material wealth at the expense of people, and can be comfortable with his nice things even when his marriage is crumbling and his wife is broken down.

I can only say that for our situation, it has progressively gotten worse. We only now have started to see a marriage counselor. I suspect that he is either depressed or has some sort of mood/mental disorder. We shall see. I quite often fear it is the end for us as well. I say as long as your husband is willing to get help and do what needs to be done then that is a good sign and gives hope that this can be remedied. There are many that would never choose to get help.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SuziQ41 said:


> He tried therapy, but couldn't find a good therapist.


Suzi, welcome to the TAM forum. As you likely already know, skill sets vary GREATLY among individual therapists, as is true for the members of any profession. It therefore is important to get a recommendation from a professional who has worked for many years with the psychologists in your area. 

Given that your H may need medication in addition to therapy, I suggest you start with a psychiatrist (i.e., a person having both a psychology Ph.D. and a Medical Degree). Once he's made the diagnosis, he will be in a position to recommend the psychologist having the best skill set to treat your H.

Of course, none of us on this forum is capable of diagnosing your H to determine what's wrong with him. Certainly, I cannot do that. What I can say, however, is that the behaviors you describe seem consistent with the warning signs -- listed at hundreds of medical websites -- for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). 

The Mayo Clinic, for example, describes IED warning signs (i.e., symptoms) at Intermittent explosive disorder Definition - Diseases and Conditions - Mayo Clinic. Similarly, Harvard Medical School describes IED -- in a newsletter targeted to members of the lay public like you and me -- at Treating Intermittent Explosive Disorder - Harvard Health Publications. Take care, Suzi.

At those websites, you will find that IED is a behavioral disorder characterized by extreme expressions of anger -- often to the point of uncontrollable rage -- that are disproportionate to the situation at hand and are unpremeditated. From what I've read, these outbursts typically last 30 minutes to an hour. Afterwards, the person usually apologizes and is truly sorry for what he did.

A community survey by NIMH (the National Institute of Mental Health) found that the chance of IED occurring in a person's lifetime is in the 5% to 7% range and the chance of it occurring in the current year is 3% to 4%, depending on how the condition was defined. Those are the prevalence rates for the general population. It also found that people with IED were often young and most were male. Hence, while you're waiting for an appointment with a professional, it may be worth your while to read about IED and see if the warning signs sound very familiar. If these red flags do ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Suzi.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I wonder if there is an Anger Management group anywhere near you. 

So he knows other people would dump him if he acted that way toward them? "With others he keeps himself in check". That is abusive behaviour, because he picks his victim to vent on. He banks on you putting up with it, but you will get depressed and anxious if he is allowed to use you as a verbal punching bag. Your mental health will be affected. 

Someone in your town must know about a group for men with anger issues. Our city has 'Changing Ways' for men who verbally abuse their partners. 

He promised you to get help, then he didn't. And what were the consequences for him? 

I can see that you are going to have to change as well. He will just keep up the behaviour if he gets away with it. Demand counseling and tell him that you love him but won't be able to stay married if you are walking on eggshells. He needs to see you have a backbone about this.


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