# My husband went into a rage with me



## Lizzy87 (Sep 6, 2015)

Ive been married for 9 months, my husband so far is generally very good to me, kind, affectionate, generous, religous, kind to my family. 
When he is angry there is a very bitter and petty side to him though, sometimes he will say things just to upset me and it has nothing to do with the topic at hand when we are fighting. We both agree that swearing is unacceptable however there have been times in the heat of the moment where we have sworn, the worst ive said to him is "f" you, this is because he laughed while we were fighting and while i was trying to explain to him why i was upset, i felt he wasnt taking me serously and it came out (i generally do not swear and am really against swearing within marriage). When i first met him i realised he swore a bit (not at me but using foul words while angry only) and I brought it up to him, said it was unacceptable and he agreed and said he would not use foul language, he has told me to "f off" while we were fighting(just so you have a bit of background that we have both said mean things to eachother). 

Anyway a few days ago i misunderstood a question he asked me, i thought he was having a go at my parents as they are from a different faith, however he wasnt meaning to do that at all, i got upset at him without querying what he meant and we started arguing, i ended up saying i cant be f'd" talking about this and then he completely lost his temper, told me to get out of the car (we were out at the park at the time) and he "doesnt give a "fk" how i get home", then he told me to get back in, he yelled four times what the "f" is wrong with you why would you start a fight over this? (we had been bickering on and off, nothing serious) After a while i started getting angry as i think he over reacted, he told me he hates to see me cry, he tried to make up with me but i pushed him away, he got even more angry, he then yells, "you're throwing fkn tantrums over every little thing like a little *****" i started crying as he'd never used the word ***** before, after that I got out of the car and he grabbed onto my arm so i wouldnt leave and tried to walk it off, he followed me in the car screaming at me to get fk back in, i ran away because i wanted to get away from him. After doing a few rounds looking for me (i could tell he was in a rage at this point) he got out of the car and ran after me, once he reached me he was not himself, he was in a massive rage and started screaming get in the fkn car you fkn little *****, he repeated that so many times i lost count.I was scared at this point so i walked back to the car, he threatended to hit me and throttle me (he didnt touch me). Ive never seen him in this state. To make things fair not that im making excuses for him but hes been under alot of pressure, fights with his dad, starting a new business, us bickering over misunderstandings in the past, hes generally very kind to me, loving and does anything to make me happy. Ive lost my adoration for him because of what happened, ive never been spoken to like that before im scared he will end up being that kind of husband in the long term. Does anyone have any advice for me? Ive always told myself that id never tolerate that kind of behavior, Im a little scared of him, scared that if I make him angry again that he will react that bad again...im not sure what to do. Do i leave him? is that over reacting?
Thank you


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Lizzy87 said:


> Do i leave him?


Yes. 

Ok, I'm being facetious.

You both need to grow up, and learn how to communicate.

And if I'm reading this wrong, please correct me. But this whole screamfest was caused by you?


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I think even threatening to hit you - like pulling a fist back as if he's going to strike you, even though he didn't - is very concerning.

The ugliness of your verbal fighting also concerns me, especially given that you both consider yourselves religious and are generally against swearing. I swear like a sailor just in normal, casual conversation with friends, but I've never said "F*** you" to my now ex husband in 27 years (as much as I felt like it this past year).

I really think you should at the very least get into some marriage counseling. More than likely, though, you should just run.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are both acting like 12 year olds. He gets angry and you get angry, each of you feeding into the flames of anger. I am 35 years married (first marriage for the both of us). You will have plenty more fights in your lifetime. You better know how to fight fairly and stop this childish screaming contest.

When you're angry, take a breather and take yourself out of the scene, so that you can calm down. Discuss what is in discord when you have composed yourself. If he goes into a screaming tangent, don't participate. 

If your fights do not abate, see a marriage counselor. You both need to communicate with each other. If you don't work together on your tempers, you will be part of the 50% divorced couples in no time. Sorry you are here.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I have been married for nearly 33 years and I have never once had an argument like that with my H. You have to engage with mutual respect as much as possible, even when you argue.

Saying 'f-you' to your spouse is not OK unless the marriage is toast (in which case there's probably no real point anyway...).

You could approach this as a wake-up call for counseling - communication skills lessons, anger management, general couples counseling.

You say this was a few days ago. What has happened since then?


----------



## Lizzy87 (Sep 6, 2015)

@OnTheFly 

yes because of a misunderstanding, however, I don't think that his behavior was acceptable, no matter what the situation.


----------



## Lizzy87 (Sep 6, 2015)

@alte Dame 
I havent been speaking to him, hes come with flowers, apologising, hes upset at himself for speaking to me that way, i cant seem to let it go and have a talk to him, im still really upset that i was treated that way. I know it started because i misundertood something he said however I'd never expect that kind of reaction, to the point where im scared.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Lizzy87 said:


> yes because of a misunderstanding, however, I don't think that his behavior was acceptable, no matter what the situation.


Neither was yours. You'll never get me to side with you over him. Fix it together or live in misery until you die or divorce.

This is so solvable!


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Lizzy87 said:


> @alte Dame
> I havent been speaking to him, hes come with flowers, apologising, hes upset at himself for speaking to me that way, i cant seem to let it go and have a talk to him, im still really upset that i was treated that way. I know it started because i misundertood something he said however I'd never expect that kind of reaction, to the point where im scared.


The silent treatment is not productive. Ask him to set a time in a neutral, public place and speak your piece. Be adult and as calm as you can be. You don't yet know what was going on in his head because you won't talk to him. It was a misunderstanding for you, but I would bet it was also a huge misunderstanding for him.

If he doesn't have a reasonable rationale, then you can get counseling or leave. I think you should consider counseling in any event.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You need to knock it off with the silent treatment honey. That is SO juvenile, and also a very powerful way to control someone. Very very poor form.

Both of your behaviour was absolutely unacceptable. My husband and I have never called each other names during an argument, nor sworn at each other, that kind of behaviour towards your spouse is just disgusting.

I'll be honest though, that his rage and threatening to hit you does concern me - no matter what you did, nothing excuses that. Instead of pouting like a little girl, put your big girl pants on, act like a woman and TELL him (don't ask) that you two ARE going to counselling to learn how to communicate better or you'll walk.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi lizzy,

Two points: first neither of you know how to argue, and I bet hear each other. You mentioned the importance of faith to both of you. Start with a church group, but be careful since many just are about forgiveness and compromise. Your issue is learning to argue. A good marriage includes tension. It is part of building one life. You must be able to push each others buttons. But no hitting below the belt, no hitting above the neck, and no wearing your belt around your neck. Find someone to teach both of you how. 

I bet most of your worst arguments were not about what either of you think. Since nether of you know how to fight, you are having proxy wars. Since the deeper issues are not discussed, they fester, frustration builds, anger insures. I worked in sales in a highly time sensitive industry where blown schedules seemed the norm. Tons and anger the norm. I did well. An generic example, I knew no one gave a damn about the published schedule ! They cared about losing their job because the damn package didn't get on the the right bus to get somewhere on time, because the schedule was blown. No one knew plane, train, even car services schedules better then I did. The package was always at point B on time. Hearing vs listening.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date him before you married?

How old are the two of you?

The two of you need to learn how to be respectful of each other, even when you disagree. And you need to learn how to "fight" or "disagree" in a way that is not so ugly. No matter what he says, do not react in anger and with foul, ugly language. What you say and do is on your. If you continue this, it will get violent. He's on the verge of it already. I, like others here are disturbed that he threatened you. The purpose of that kind of threat is to scare you so that you do what he wants. Not good at all.

But I think this can be fixed. It's probably worth another try. 

As others have suggested, just stop talking when you can tell it's going to be ugly. Come up with a 'safe word'. For me the safe word is "STOP". When my husband used to blow up like that, at first I tried defending myself verbally and yes, sometimes said things that were pretty bad. But all that does is escalate things. 

So I sat him down and told him that I would no longer engage in the ugly arguments/fights with him. That all they did was to get us saying stuff to each other that we did not mean but could never take back. So in the future, as soon as I felt that things were about to get out of control I would say "STOP". Then I would leave. I would go to another room, or out for a walk, or anything to get away. That way we both had a hour or so to calm down and think more clearly about what we wanted to say. We were both responsible for calming yourself down. We could then have a discussion like adults and solve our issues.

It worked. It got to the point that he could tell that he was about to lose it. I'd walk away. And he usually went for a long bike ride. Then we could talk things through.


I'd say give it a try. Let him know that if this does not stop, you will file for divorce.

But if you two do not stop these types of fights, then yes you need to leave him. It's only going to get worse.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Fruskil makes a powerful point. You both are developing horriable habits. 

Your weapon of choice is the silent treatment. His current response to try to get agreement or response is to trump you by threatening violence. It gets trumpted by his shame. He then defaults to flowers and groveling, (but now getting really, really angry because it is really unfair he has to grovel) you continue silent treatment till you are dam ready to forgive him for threating you. BUT the real issue is NOT resolved. 

Your future: you win, out of frustration he begins to detach, he STOPS argueing, you trump him by detaching more. One of you meets some one who cares and listens. They really don't hear you but you don't realize. An EA ensues which leads to adultery. One of you starts new thread "never in a million years did I ...."

I really like this explanation by F-102. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html please read it. Is really a must read for newly weds. 

Postscript, while I never cussed, called her a """"", threaten violence, my thread would have finished "she would have..".


----------



## Lizzy87 (Sep 6, 2015)

@EleGirl and @JohnA  @frusdil 
Thank you for being so helpful. I'll definitely be taking your advise and try come up with a safe word.Some ppl asked our ages, we're in our 20's, im his first relationship and hes my 2nd so we are relatively new to this. I'll stop the silent treatment and sit down and have a chat. 
Thanks for all your advise though.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I figured that the two of you are pretty young. And I'm hoping that want's going on is just that you two are a bit immature at relationships and can learn to handle all this better.

You might want to consider counseling. 

Marriage counseling might work with emphasis in learning how to handle disagreements.

Another kind of counseling that can help is anger management.... for both of you. 

There are also good books available for both how to argue/fight in marriage and for anger management.

If you need low cost counseling, try places that provide support and counseling for victims of domestic abuse. I suggest this type of organization because they tend to have good anger management classes. If you tell them that you both have issues, they should be able to help both of you.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Lizzy, one last thought for you and most wives and then good night.

While an apple a day keeps the doctor away, a random hug, nuzzle, peck on the cheek, plop on his lap, or quick snuggle daily really helps a husband know your love and let's him both listen and hear, when the going gets rough.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JohnA said:


> Lizzy, one last thought for you and most wives and then good night.
> 
> While an apple a day keeps the doctor away, a random hug, nuzzle, peck on the cheek, plop on his lap, or quick snuggle daily really helps a husband know your love and let's him both listen and hear, when the going gets rough.


John, this works when a husband is not abusive. Abusers use anger and sometimes violence to control. When they are in that state, what you suggest will not work. Believe me.. it does not work. (caveat, the same thing goes for abusive woman... an abusive person cannot be niced out of being abusive)

The problem that a person who finds themselves in a relationship with a controller (and abuser) is that they end up spending so much energy walking on egg shells trying to figure out how to get the other person to not be angry, not be abusive and not be controlling. They blame themselves very often for the angry/abusive behavior of the other person.

So they try the kind of that that you suggest, often to find that all it does is leads to more angry attacks. then to more walking on egg shells. 

There is no acceptable excuse for the way they are fighting. There is no excuse for the words either of them are throwing at each other. There is no excuse for her husband threatening to hurt her. That's why she has to pull away from the angry outbursts. If she does that and his anger ends, then good. If she refuses to engage in anger, and he continues with anger and threats, then no sitting on his lap and being sweet to him will stop his anger. Then it means that he uses anger as a means of control and she is in an abusive relationship.


Right now we do not know if the OP's husband is a fairly good guy who is losing his cool or if he's an abuser well on his way to establishing the environment for the control that control freaks need. This is something that she needs to figure out. It's why counseling is a good idea for both of them.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

@Lizzy you're so welcome sweetie. I know I was blunt with you but this is a volatile situation and you could very easily get hurt if you don't address it now.

Both of you are at fault, but it's absolutely NOT ok for him to threaten you with physical violence. NO. MATTER. WHAT.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Lizzy87 How are you doing?


----------



## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Lizzy87 said:


> We both agree that swearing is unacceptable however there have been times in the heat of the moment where we have sworn, the worst ive said to him is "f" you, this is because he laughed while we were fighting and while i was trying to explain to him why i was upset, i felt he wasnt taking me serously and it came out (i generally do not swear and am really against swearing within marriage). When i first met him i realised he swore a bit (not at me but using foul words while angry only) and I brought it up to him, said it was unacceptable and he agreed and said he would not use foul language, he has told me to "f off" while we were fighting(just so you have a bit of background that we have both said mean things to eachother).


Ok first of all, the two of you are NOT against swearing within a marriage, all you do is curse, more than most married people. 

At least be honest with yourself, and then go from there.

Secondly.. well the two of you need to grow up and fast. You're married less than a year and you're fighting like a brother and a siter or a couple of spoiled teenagers. 

You probably need professional help to learn how to deal with each other because you just don't have a clue. 

These types of things have a typical cycle of escalation, meaning that if you don't have some sort of intervention, things will get worse. The cursing will look like a "walk in the park".


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree you both need help in learning to communicate effectively. I'd very much consider marriage counselling if I were you.

As for the way he acted, he has obvious issues with anger management. Instead of silent treatment and him trying to earn your forgiveness with flowers, which are nice but don't help at all, you should sit down and figure out a real solution to this issue. Tell him it's unacceptable behaviour, even once, and that you will give him one more chance to fix this if he goes to marriage counselling with you, and most importantly, anger management classes.

You should also do as much research as possible into how to maintain your relationship. Read books like, "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Getting the Love You Want". Both very helpful books for married people.


----------

