# The many facets of loss of trust



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Loss of trust after your SO has cheated on you is not just losing trust in the other persons fidelity, you lose trust or faith in that person as a whole.

Emotional trust- this person who was supposed to be your emotional safe haven, your confidant , someone you should be able to say anything to your secrets, fears, hopes and dreams suddenly is gone. How can you trust someone with all that when they have proven that you just don't matter or you didn't during their "issues". Trusting someone with your emotions after they have stabbed you in the back takes a long time, my WW talk about our relationship and our household issues but I am much more guarded in other areas how can I not be.

Family decisions- he11 any decision they didn't care about the family, the kids or anything else in their quest to fulfill the selfish desires they held will the choices they make always be in the best interest of the family. I know I have said it here and many others too about how my wife is a good parent but really are they? My kids' health and well being along with their relationship I have with them is priceless, to jeopardize that by acting like a fool is proof enough that the WS's decision making process is screwed up.

Sexual trust- no not whether they are faithful to you, the bedroom is a private intimate place for just you and your SO and now there is another person looking over your shoulder. Not just the mind movies but the performance comparisons that can go through your head, and the loss of the ability to be completely unguarded in the bedroom can be lost forever.

Finally just the trust in this person to ever have your back when the chips are down, when times are tough who is to say they won't cut and run to feed their selfishness instead of being by your side and working through it.

My worry about her being faithful to me is still a concern even though I know where she is and who she is with 24 / 7 but my faith/trust in her as a person is what I think will take the longest to come back if it ever does.


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

Interesting post, I haven't logged in or posted in a few months but struggle with the same emotions which you wrote about. I feel like I am bipolar or something now. Sometimes everything is great and other times i question why I am even still trying to save this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Trust, the ever elusive goal after infidelity.

4 years out (since July 2009) and I still have trust issues. Not just about fidelity, but about who he really is deep down, and what secrets he's keeping, whether they are marriage related, work related, finance related, you name it. Everything is now in question. When a person can throw 19 years of marriage and 4 children away for a person they hardly know, it makes one wonder, "Who is this person I am married to?"


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

So 4 years later and still have those feelings? How do you justify staying? I'm not sure if I want to live the rest of my life like this. My Dday was about 8 months ago
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Im 2.5 years out, and everytime he is txting is makes me wonder, if the door is ajar, then closed, I wonder, when he walks away w the dog, talking on his cellular, I wonder, when he fooling w his ipad, reading txts, I wonder... Everything he does now I wonder, what dont I know? 

~sammy


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Dday said:


> So 4 years later and still have those feelings? How do you justify staying? I'm not sure if I want to live the rest of my life like this. My Dday was about 8 months ago
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am almost 2 years out and the initial hurt dulls but you are left with that ache, so how do I justify staying? Love, devotion, crazy, stupid, dropped on my head when I was little. 
Everyone has there reasons for staying and *leaving* just like a snowflake everyone's is different.


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## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

interesting post- my ws left 4 months ago after 22 years married...in recent months heard about/learned about his infidelities with many people...he has moved on to be open about a new relationship leading everyone to believe its new- but i know that it was someone he met a while ago (while we were still together)

anyway....after 4 months i find myself looking in a crowd at a shopping mall- at families in church, at couples in my work circle, friend circle and neighbourhood and wonder- what are they hiding? is there really such thing as trusting a person? 

i dont know how i could even trust anyone again. i would love to know if this "just punched in the gut" feeling will ever pass. 

i wonder if being the victim of infidelity leaves you feeling this way and unable to trust forever? i sure hope not.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@Dday. Sorry I didn't get back sooner. How do I justify staying? 1. Well, Mr. IMF is working hard (at least in his mind, and the best to his ability) to improve himself, and figure out his "whys." My counselor said to give him a chance to keep proving himself, while I make a plan for if he can't keep it up, or if I just give up.

2. Another reason is because I have 4 children, 3 of which I homeschool, and may be schooling the 4th soon. They need me. If we D, their lives will be turned upside down.

I don't believe that the world evolves around me, and I am doing my best to learn to cope with reality as I know it, for the sake of others.

3. Marriage has its ups and downs. I believe in the commitment I made on our wedding day, "For better or for worse." He messed up big time, and I hope that is the only "worse" I agreed to. Repeat performances will not be tolerated.

4. This is the most difficult journey I have ever been on. I am not one to back down from a challenge. I am learning a lot about myself in this process: fear of abandonment issues have returned, I have my own set of defects of character that I need to deal with, I'm learning to trust God more, I'm learning to be my own person, even if that means people (Mr. IMF) might not like my boldness and independence.

I hope that answered your question.


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

I HATE the loss of trust. HATE IT. I feel like, who are you texting?, why is your phone going off?, did you really spend any money?, did you really go where you said you were going?, why did it take so long?. And because he lied about something like this, it makes me question EVERYTHING. I've come to realize that the man I married is not who I thought he was.....at all.


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

My wife and I are separated. Maybe we'll do a real R, probably not. We do see eachother several times a week. I call her on my way to work each night. Tonight, her son was at his Dads'. She was alone tonight. I called her on my way to work. No answer. An hour later I get a text that she'd fallen asleep on the couch and missed my call. Same excuse she used on Dday. She may have fallen asleep, but my total lack of trust makes me think the worst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Dday said:


> Interesting post, I haven't logged in or posted in a few months but struggle with the same emotions which you wrote about. I feel like I am bipolar or something now. Sometimes everything is great and other times i question why I am even still trying to save this marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel exactly the same way. The spark has gone out of me... I feel like I just go through the motions most days.
I don't believe my H is still in an EA - so it's not like I'm hyper vigilant or worry every day about who he might be texting - it's more that I wonder, who is he, really?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Well I have in the last two weeks had vstbxw wanting to "come home" after 20mnths separated !

In trying to explain to her how it's just not possible trust being the main issue, not love she still does not get it 

"you've trusted me before" (serial cheat btw)"
"No I havent actually, not after the first break" 
"But you said you had got it back to 99%"
"mmm...that's the trouble the 1%"

This is why it's so impossible - she thought I had - the difference being the 1%. As I explained to her a week or so ago 

Definition of trust for me is simple 

trust = 100%

If it's 99% I see you go out for 40 mins shopping, after 10 mins you text me you love me (but you did that when you were with OM hanging on to you) and I see it's now nearly an hour and my mind is starting to go.

As I explained to her "don't you get this, that is what the missing 1% does - forever". "It makes me look at the clock, it makes me look onto your eyes and wonder, it makes me make an enquiring comment even slightly about why you were late back" 

"I know I notice that" she says 

"that is what that 1% means to me and thousands of other betrayed spouses, and it never finds it's way back home - ever" 
even years down the line" 

I said listen "if I have 100% I don't even notice if you're an hour late back, that's the difference"

Trust it's either 100% or 0% - there's nothing in the middle


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Well I have in the last two weeks had vstbxw wanting to "come home" after 20mnths separated !
> 
> In trying to explain to her how it's just not possible trust being the main issue, not love she still does not get it
> 
> ...


Great reply unfortunately IMO there is something in the middle sort of like sleeping in a room full of rattlesnakes, never sure if or when you will get bit but your gut tells you that you will whether you piss them off or not.
As someone else posted awhile back I am here until I am not, right now I am seeing if I can live with all the normal things you get in a marriage (stable house, happy kids, regular sex)(well most people) without that true romantic deep love.
I am not totally invested/committed, the sun rises and sets with her in love


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## Make it Stop (Nov 11, 2013)

I am in a holding pattern. Like a plane circling above the airport, waiting for clearance from the tower to land. I can't see below the clouds and fog to determine whether or not it's safe to land. And I can't trust the voice from the tower either because the air traffic controller of the past is gone, replaced by one I don't really know. So I continue to circle. I have not yet given up and left the airport in search of a safe landing somewhere else, but I am painfully aware that my fuel will not last forever. So I circle, knowing full well that I could very possibly crash and burn no matter what option I choose. 

I am 6mos post Dday, in R with a WH who appears to be truly remorseful, doing and saying all the right things, blah blah blah. But still, I can't land...at least not yet. All I can do right now is trust that God will somehow replenish my fuel.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

If its just been one time you might get that trust back but if its happened more it never comes back. I don't know about men but once cheated on women aren't likely to be satisfied in the bedroom ever again by him. Then sex becomes more of a job than something you do for pleasure.


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## Make it Stop (Nov 11, 2013)

Thebes said:


> If its just been one time you might get that trust back but if its happened more it never comes back. I don't know about men but *once cheated on women aren't likely to be satisfied in the bedroom ever again by him. *Then sex becomes more of a job than something you do for pleasure.


I can relate to this. Since the hysterical bonding period ended, I have yet to have a decent O. And it's not for lack of physical pleasure or his lack of performance. I think it has more to do with allowing the emotional release, the vulnerability. Maybe it's different for men, but yeah...I'm hoping this changes.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

This is what is so insidious about infidelity. It permeates everything. Think about my WS's logic. She thought she could have an affair, eventually ease herself out of the affair and roll on with me and the children and live happily ever after. But I found out. Like DDay I have been living with this knowledge for 8 months. It has been very enlightening on many levels and it has opened me up to the changes I needed to make, which I am doing - for me but it is also the worst time of my life.

There is no trust at all. And why would there be, she proved herself unworthy of trust. Sometimes she says "what's the point, you don't believe a word I say". Do you blame me darling? I reply.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Trust is a decision, just like love is. Once you have been betrayed you are less likely to give that trust and love so easily the second time. If you have been betrayed repeatedly, there is a point at which you just can't bring yourself to give your trust anymore and you can't love them the same way anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Further, and slightly off thread but I would say the thing that pi**es me off the most is that I am the only one making changes, doing any work. Let's face it, it's all for re-building trust, reconciling.

From her there is naught but "steady as she goes" and "I'm alright Jack" which is good for her but continues to mean no intimacy for me. 

The whole thing is so sick it has me wondering what is an acceptable level of love and affection that a man over 50 should expect. Very little according to my WS. 

Well her first OS business trip is tomorrow prior to our family holiday. Let's see how she goes with trust while she is away.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Its not just the loss of trust in your spouse.You now question your own internal; instincts , perceptions and judgement because of allowing yourself to be fooled. 

Everyone may not feel that way, but I think many do.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

mel123 said:


> Its not just the loss of trust in your spouse.You now question your own internal; instincts , perceptions and judgement because of allowing yourself to be fooled.
> 
> Everyone may not feel that way, but I think many do.


That's it. I don't know whether I allowed myself to be fooled, just to split hairs, but it is a significant factor. To think what I was doing while she betrayed me - starting from scratch to spend six months on and off sprucing up our house for sale, finding a new suitable home, all that effing slog and groundwork and the whole time she was cheating. I did ignore some significant red flags to the point where I fronted her one day, after a random call came into her mobile at home on a weekend day and I heard her say "Oh go away!" and she hung up. After that I asked "Are you seeing someone else?". She looked me square in the eye and said "Oh yeah, sure! When would I get time for that?". All cheaters are master liars.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Make it Stop said:


> I can relate to this. Since the hysterical bonding period ended, I have yet to have a decent O. And it's not for lack of physical pleasure or his lack of performance. I think it has more to do with allowing the emotional release, the vulnerability. Maybe it's different for men, but yeah...I'm hoping this changes.


Nice perspective from a woman's point of view regarding the sex after infidelity not always pleasant for a man either.
While ladies may have trouble with the "o" men (at least me) have had trouble even rising to the occasion or staying that way when the mind stuff starts up.
You worry if he was bigger, better and did things to her you can't one of those little gifts that keep giving during a reconciliation.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

mel123 said:


> Its not just the loss of trust in your spouse.You now question your own internal; instincts , perceptions and judgement because of allowing yourself to be fooled.
> 
> Everyone may not feel that way, but I think many do.


 You said it perfectly.

Since he ended it 4 1/2 years ago, (July 2009) he says he loves me, and is here to stay, but he said that before his EA, too. I was totally blind sided by what he did. Now that I know what he is capable of, I would be an idiot to trust his words, or my instincts.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Love=

Another very thoughtful post and thread by you. Good mix of male and female betrayed in this thread. The two words that always come through to me by these stories are "humiliation" and "devalued", and At the hands of what you believe to be your life partner.

One thing that occurs to me is, if I was betrayed like this- and perhaps leaving was a very difficult option (young children) - I might end up being faithful by default, but I would never again worry about controlling my thoughts or concern myself on whether my friendship with a colleague at work was inappropriate .......or any of that stuff we do to guard our relationship.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Not only do I no longer trust anyone, I really have developed a dislike for people in general. I was always an easy-going hippie chick who trusted everybody. I always was empathetic and felt deeply for people. That's all gone now and unless I am with my kids, I'm almost always alone.

I see now why it's so easy to love animals.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: The many facets of loss of trust*



love=pain said:


> Nice perspective from a woman's point of view regarding the sex after infidelity not always pleasant for a man either.
> While ladies may have trouble with the "o" men (at least me) have had trouble even rising to the occasion or staying that way when the mind stuff starts up.
> You worry if he was bigger, better and did things to her you can't one of those little gifts that keep giving during a reconciliation.


......good observation regarding the impact on men. So far ...( knock on wood ) ...I've not had any full fledged "performance issues". However ....once, within the past 18 months ....I had to overcome a potential deflating experience when a mind-movie decided to screen itself in my head.

......certainly a 'gift' .....but one I'd like to exchange for piece of mind.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: The many facets of loss of trust*



Rugs said:


> Not only do I no longer trust anyone, I really have developed a dislike for people in general. I was always an easy-going hippie chick who trusted everybody. I always was empathetic and felt deeply for people. That's all gone now and unless I am with my kids, I'm almost always alone.
> 
> I see now why it's so easy to love animals.


.....ditto.

.....I always say, "I'm a real people-person .....because I hate them all".

.....it sucks to be like this, with zero trust in anyone I meet.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

For me, trust is bigger than love. Once I lose trust in a person, especially a spouse, it's over. That's just something that can't ever be regained for me.

I'm not living a life always wondering who just texted you, why you're running late, why you had to make that extra stop, whatever.

I can fall in love again, but for me that isn't enough.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Funny how older threads can come back around, not only does it allow you to revisit your thinking from that time, it also gives you a watermark to show you just how things have changed.

Since that post I have started to get myself out of the trust business, not because she has done anything to break that trust nor has she been able to completely set my mind at ease(don't think that will ever happen where's a chastity belt when you need it although do they make one for the mouth too?)

No I am simply tired of the whole thing, I have placed the complete onus on her to do what she needs to do(or thinks she needs to) in order to validate herself to our marriage. I don't track her phone, I don't even look at it, I closed my FB account, I don't check phone records or her bank statement nothing after all what's the point.
As I told her (she wasn't too happy to hear I stopped checking up) she was caught so she learned many of the tricks or mistakes she made to get caught, there are plenty of ways to contact anyone if she wanted to that I wouldn't know about anyhow so why. She leaves for work at the same time and gets home at the same time everyday any change in the schedule she can always let me know if she wants.

Indifference? maybe but like many BS it seems my life changed more than her's and I had more work to do to put my mind at ease(not that she didn't work at it but what can a WS really do) than she did so I stopped, instead of me searching that she was being faithful or that she was being unfaithful she has to do it all. It will be pretty easy to know when she gives up and quits working the information will dry up, if it does well it does exit stage left........


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The movie Serpico - lost of trust in police
The space shuttle columbia disaster - lost of trust in technology

A spouse's betrayal - for me I believe it will forever be lack of trust in my wife.

When I went into the Army Reserves from late 2011 till my retirement from the Army in December 2013, I had opportunities to go to Afghanistan. One unit was practically begging me to go with them. I was no longer in fighting shape, too many injuries, PTSD, etc, so I kept saying no. Bragging a little, but I was one of the best in my field and I still have a good reputation. In 2008 I recieved an award for being the best NCO in 7 years of rotations at JRTC, Ft. Polk, LA. This old Master Sergeant showed some grit during that training phase. Anyway, if I would have a chance to go back in time to 2011, 2012 and 2013, after discovering my wife's cheating, I would have deployed, and found a way to grit my teeth, take up the suck, fake good health, and would have just left her stew in her crap. 

The broken trust, broke something in me and in hindsight I wish I could have mustered the mental ability to have deployed to Afghanistan, but I knew my mind was not ready for that. I think I would have volunteered for any and all missions outside the wire. 

When I served with General Honore, (the "ragin Cajun" from hurricane Katrina fame), I was the only enlisted person seated at the command table to give the General a daily brief. Ironically a Colonel had told me when I came in to take my seat, that I had to stand in the back of the room and that no enlisted would be briefing the General. As the General came in and took his seat, he saw a vacant chair and called me to take a seat. He was a three star General, next to him sat a two star, then a one star and then me. Anyway, as I reflect on my military career the story is this:

During the battle phase of our exercise, in his "ragin Cajun" accent, he said, "It is now time to open up a can of whoop arse on the enemy". 

Broken trust has opened up a can of whoop arse on us. We sound like pathletic freaken wusses, and yet that just the kind of wound it causes in many of us.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Trust is overrated, and blind trust is just plain stupid.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> Trust is overrated, and blind trust is just plain stupid.


In hindsight blind trust is foolish but that is part of falling in love at least when you are younger or on your first marriage or relationship, after you have been through the wars I don't know if you can ever have that again.

But trusting in someone is the basis for any relationship, if there isn't trust or respect then what is there?

Yep I know as a BS who has lost trust am I not calling into question why I am still here well that is a dilemma many of us go through. I am here now because of the history we have together and our family, not due to the money and not for the issues my kids might have if we split. I guess I am holding onto all the good things we have had together and the dream of growing old with her and watching our kids grow up. That dream has dimmed and much of the good has been tainted but as long as I hold onto them I am still here.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

You can have fulfilling relationships without 100% trust. In fact, I'd recommend it.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Learn to love yourself; everyone else is a losing bet.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

I'm not a big fan of reconciliation but I respect those who do try. Your wayward wife owes you big time *make sure she never forgets that*


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

If you can't be trusted 100% let your prospective partner know before they commit.


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