# Lost



## feetback245 (May 25, 2013)

I see no hope in my marriage. I am starting to plan for its end and even though I don't see anything changing sometimes I don't feel 100% about leaving. I have 2 young kids and I imagine divorce will be hard for them. I am fearful of the changes that come from divorce.
I am living with my husband now. I stopped talking about divorce with him. He will become vindictive and more threatening if I do. I told my family that the relationship is bad and is ending. In the past my husband refused to talk to me about divorce rationally. When I asked what he would want, he said every thing he earned. He recently threatened to take me off his health insurance and joint bank account. In the past he has threatened me that the house isnt mine so i can leave. He has said multiple times he doesnt want to have anything to do with the kids if we get divorced. We haven't been talking since thanksgiving. For the past 5 years I have begged him to come to therapy and I have set up all appts. We had been in therapy before thanksgiving for 5 months. It was a big deal when my husband was willing to spend 2-3 hour alone with our 3 year old- after the therapist encoursged him. It lasted 1 time. He refused to go after we fought around thanksgiving. I went to the appt alone and the therapist said I had been patient enough. I have told him that if he wanted to improve our relationship he can make an appt with the therapist and I will go. He refuses. He blames me that we don't get along. He has refused to help me with the kids since we weren't getting along. He refused to limit video games usage for our 5 yeAR old because that is one of the few activities he does with him. He refuses to respect when I try to discipline our son for bad behavior by taking away the video games- my husband said since we were not getting along he would do whatever he wanted and he encouraged our son to disregard what I said.
I can't leave for a few months because I need to sort out some issues 1st. But it is hard living with him now. Only people I am really close to know how haRd things are in this relationship. I realized that for my husband this isn't a relationship, it is a business agreement. These realizations are so hard to swallow. I have been wondering why I accepted such ****ty treatment for so long. And now that I see that I'm in an unhealthy relationship I know I
Need to get out of it. Can anyone advice how to process these emotions and deal with my situation. I need to keep quiet about divorce because I expect he will be aweful when I do tell him. And I will need to l
Move away then with the kids.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

feetback245 said:


> I see no hope in my marriage. I am starting to plan for its end and even though I don't see anything changing sometimes I don't feel 100% about leaving. I have 2 young kids and I imagine divorce will be hard for them. I am fearful of the changes that come from divorce.
> I am living with my husband now. I stopped talking aboUT divorce with him. He will become vindictive and more threatening if I do. I told my family that the relationship is bad and is ending. In the past my husband refused to talk to me about divorce rationally. When I asked what he would want, he said every thing he earned. He recently treated to take me off his health insurance and joint bank account. We haven't been talking since thanksgiving. For the past 5 years I have begged him to come to therapy and I have set up all appts. We had been in therapy before thanksgiving for 5 months. He refused to go after we fought around thanksgiving. I went to the appt alone and the therapist said I had been patient enough. I have told him that if he wanted to improve our relationship he can make an appt with the therapist and I will go. He refuses. He blames me that we don't get along. He has refused to he'll me with the kids since we weren't getting along. He refuses to watch our 3 year old for more than few hours.
> I can't leave for a few months because I need to sort out some issues 1st. But it is hard living with him now. Only people I am really close to know how haRd things are in this relationship. I realized that for my husband this isn't a relationship, it is a business agreement. These realizations are so hard to swallow. I have been wondering why I accepted such ****ty treatment for so long. And now that I see that I'm in an unhealthy relationship I know I
> Need to get out of it. Can anyone advice how to process these emotions and deal with my situation. I need to keep quiet about divorce because I expect he will be aweful when I do tell him. And I will need to l
> Move away then with the kids.


The first thing you need to do is establish your timeline. Do this with the strict understanding that you have to push through uncomfortable moments. That said, if he is remotely a physical threat to you or the children, then family or a battered woman's shelter is the next stop.

How do you process the emotions? The most powerful thing you can do is accept and take ownership of your decision.

"I am leaving him. I tried my best to love him without condition in the hope that he would reciprocate. He refused to treat me with decency. I reject this arrangement." 

Too often, individuals can't process the emotions because they hold out hope that he/she will change. Alternatively, they don't process the emotions because they refuse to accept what happened, taking on a victim (poor me) role.

"If he just tried, we'd be better now."
"why didn't he just come to therapy?"

What is going to do wonders for you is taking action, ownership of your choice and accepting that he is fully allowed to be a permanent jerk, but not to you.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

He thinks you are trapped there and unable to move on by yourself this is why he is saying and treating you worse.

did he have the house before you were married or was it purchased after and just in his name?

Do you work outside the home? if not get a job and start saving money.

even if he has nothing to do with the children when you divorce, he will still have to pay child support.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

See an attorney right away.

You will find that some of his supposed "rights" are in smokey left field.

Fear not the devil or the three toed sloth that stands before you at home.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Construct a plan. You don't have to discuss it with him. 

Start quietly gathering documents.....bank accounts, past few years tax returns, 401k statements, any financial statements, titles to all vehicles or payment books/plans, all loans, income statements/stubs, insurance papers, etc.... everything you can thing of. You can make copies of these things and put them back. 

Educate yourself about divorce laws where you live....knowledge is power. 

If you feel you've done your part, then you can be confident in your decision. If you educate yourself, it will help you to feel more confident. 

You can't change him. You can only do what is best for you and your children.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

feetback245 said:


> I see no hope in my marriage. I am starting to plan for its end and even though I don't see anything changing sometimes I don't feel 100% about leaving. I have 2 young kids and I imagine divorce will be hard for them. I am fearful of the changes that come from divorce.
> I am living with my husband now. I stopped talking about divorce with him. He will become vindictive and more threatening if I do. I told my family that the relationship is bad and is ending. In the past my husband refused to talk to me about divorce rationally. When I asked what he would want, he said every thing he earned. He recently threatened to take me off his health insurance and joint bank account. In the past he has threatened me that the house isnt mine so i can leave. He has said multiple times he doesnt want to have anything to do with the kids if we get divorced. We haven't been talking since thanksgiving. For the past 5 years I have begged him to come to therapy and I have set up all appts. We had been in therapy before thanksgiving for 5 months. It was a big deal when my husband was willing to spend 2-3 hour alone with our 3 year old- after the therapist encoursged him. It lasted 1 time. He refused to go after we fought around thanksgiving. I went to the appt alone and the therapist said I had been patient enough. I have told him that if he wanted to improve our relationship he can make an appt with the therapist and I will go. He refuses. He blames me that we don't get along. He has refused to help me with the kids since we weren't getting along. He refused to limit video games usage for our 5 yeAR old because that is one of the few activities he does with him. He refuses to respect when I try to discipline our son for bad behavior by taking away the video games- my husband said since we were not getting along he would do whatever he wanted and he encouraged our son to disregard what I said.
> I can't leave for a few months because I need to sort out some issues 1st. But it is hard living with him now. Only people I am really close to know how haRd things are in this relationship. I realized that for my husband this isn't a relationship, it is a business agreement. These realizations are so hard to swallow. I have been wondering why I accepted such ****ty treatment for so long. And now that I see that I'm in an unhealthy relationship I know I
> Need to get out of it. Can anyone advice how to process these emotions and deal with my situation. I need to keep quiet about divorce because I expect he will be aweful when I do tell him. And I will need to l
> Move away then with the kids.


Talk to a lawyer and stay the course. If you believe he will become violent then you need to prepare to protect yourself. Get a restraining order if need be, and if you think that won't work, get a permit. Protect yourself and your kids at all cost. I don't normally say this but from the sounds of your husband your kids my be better off without him. At least the him that he is now. Be careful.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @feetback245 ~ You have fought the long and good battle to keep your marriage respectfully intact and have summarily lost!

It is now time to look out for your very own welfare and that of those precious children of yours!

Get yourself to a lawyers office pronto to be fastly assessed of both your property and custodial rights!

So sorry to see you here at TAM, but you have definitely come to the right place for solace and advice!*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> Construct a plan. You don't have to discuss it with him.
> 
> Start quietly gathering documents.....bank accounts, past few years tax returns, 401k statements, any financial statements, titles to all vehicles or payment books/plans, all loans, income statements/stubs, insurance papers, etc.... everything you can thing of. You can make copies of these things and put them back.
> 
> ...


Yes, this is exactly what you need to do. See an attorney. Get all your ducks in a row, its the only way this can work with someone like your H. You may need to leave the house to get things moving. That doesn't mean that you cant or wont end up with the house if that is what you ultimately want. 

Best of luck to you, Im sorry you are here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Write down all the steps you would need to take, in order, to leave. Look at the first one and figure out if there are steps within steps; write those down. Now look at that first one. Determine how and when you're going to get that one done. As soon as you have, cross it out. And go on to the next step. That will keep you focused on moving forward and not on him.

Make sure your first step is a lawyer so you know your rights. He's lying to you about what he can do to you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You are in a very bad situation and you feel trapped financially and you are letting his threats keep you immobilized. The man is not interested in the family or resolving anything. You want to save something that is not savable. One-sided relationships have not way to exist. You sound like me when I first started posting here years ago. My advise to you is to stop making excuses for him because more than likely you are trying to find ways to make this work still because you do not want to bust up your family. Women will put their family's needs before their own. You have to wake up, get smart about what you are doing, stop trying to please and encourage him, it's just not there....it does not exist on his part and it never will. 

Secure your escape and by that I mean you need to take the steps so that you and your children are safe and secure.....get a job if you do not have one. I cleaned houses on my own for years which by the way pays pretty good for someone without a college degree. Don't like cleaning houses? Start delivering pizza.....couldn't be easier and the money is not too shabby! Do you have family that will help you with the kids, or offer a place to stay while you get on your feet? I would also contact an attorney for advise. Most attorneys will not charge an initial fee for a consultation. I did not have the money for an attorney but I felt my ex would put me thru the wringer without one so I did put down the retainer and I personally feel it was worth it. he does not need to know anything and in fact I would not tell him anything. Surround yourself with friends and family members who you feel can support you. Do not tell anything to anyone who you feel might not support your actions. I did not tell my parents because I felt they would try to get me to stay in the marriage so I did my divorce without their support. It takes a great deal of strength not to involve your parents. 

Remember you are entitled legally to half of everything the two of you have accumulated together and that includes money in accounts, etc. He is threatening to take you off accounts because he is trying to isolate you so you cannot leave, it is about control for him. My ex would only put small amounts of money in certain accounts that I was able to use for groceries and gas. When I started this process the attorney told me to start looking at all accounts so I was literally digging thru years of paperwork. I found accounts on his computer, others I found on a laptop by searching and I am not tech savvy. Alot of what we had on the computer he has passwords and locks on so I could not access. I found alot of money that i had no idea he was putting away. he never told me, never had even one discussion about these accounts. He was in control and he did not want me to know. I am not sure in the end if I found them all but by the time they were all split I had enough money to securely walk out the door. 

I did not want to leave the house until things were in writing legally and I had the attorney to back me because I knew he would try to do something. he had already proven to me that he could not be trusted. The man that hides accounts from his wife cannot be trusted to be honest even with the law involved. I divided all the property (household items) up on paper and took pics. I took all of that and all the documents of accounts to the attorney. I wanted to make sure if I did have to leave that someone knew what was in that house. I had it all planned out with help of my attorney. I put my cell phone in my own name so that he could not drop my service and when I did that I could barely pay for that bill each month because I was not making much money then. Getting out motivates you faster than anything to find a way to provide for yourself.

You will be granted child support with the divorce and depending on the state and the age of the children you will either have shared custody or you will be the primary home for the children. Do not worry about that part. It doesn't sound like he is interested. he might threaten his interest and tell you he is going to take the children but he cannot. If you feel they are in danger or you are in danger of being hurt you need to find a safe place and have that place available to you in case you have to leave.

I will mention one more things here. Some women plan this out like I have mentioned above, do not tell their husbands anything and then when he is out of town they come back to empty accounts and an empty home. I believe in taking your half rather than wiping out your husband's accounts. I did it all legally rather than doing it myself as I knew he would be angry and would some how take it out on me if I took it upon myself to split the accounts, and like I said I could not even access some. As long as you are married you are entitled to half of everything which means you can take half of everything should you have to leave while he is gone. he can throw a fit, he can threaten you but you have to be strong and stand for what is yours.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Talk to a lawyer and stay the course. If you believe he will become violent then you need to prepare to protect yourself. Get a restraining order if need be, and if you think that won't work, get a permit. Protect yourself and your kids at all cost. I don't normally say this but from the sounds of your husband your kids my be better off without him. At least the him that he is now. Be careful.


Restraining Orders are not worth the paper they are written on. It creates history and if he will retreat, great but I had a retraining Order put on someone years ago and the police did nothing. The police have to catch him in the act of anything and it takes a while for them to respond. I am not saying don't file a Order, the Order will show history if need-be. Call the police repeatedly and try to catch this man in his acts if he becomes violent......create history with them.


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