# Desperate to save my marriage.



## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

I am new here. Never thought that I would need a website like this, but here I am. I wish I had come here 4 years ago but I guess can't change the past. Here's my story. I would REALLY appreciate any help that you can give me. 

I was engaged to my high school sweetheart when I was right out of high school. I broke off the engagement and married someone else. He also married. Neither marriage worked out (my husband was abusive and his wife had addiction issues). After 18 years, he contacted me out of the blue. We began talking, eventually fell back in love and got married about 2 years later. If I'm really being honest, neither of us were divorced when we began talking and we lived about 5 hrs apart. 

When we got married, we both had custody of our children from our previous marriages. Blending families did NOT go well. He was a control freak and was also very jealous, insecure and even paranoid. He didn't show those traits before we married. It always seemed to be him and his kids before anyone else. He made sure they got more than my children and always took their side rather than standing by me. I am more of an easy going, passive, logical, problem solving kind of a girl. With that being said, we fought and argued often. He would twist things and see things that weren't always there and would start griping at me about made up problems that weren't even happening. My response would be to explain to him and try to make him understand the truth. Now I realize that he was just pushing me away to see if I would leave or stay. He needed the constant validation. To me it felt like he was constantly accusing me of things that I wasn't doing. Eventually I got tired of being called a liar, accused of chatting with people online, cheating, etc, etc, etc and I told him I was going to move out. He apologized and Said he would change. Another year passed...he never made any effort to change. So, I rented an apartment and moved out with my kids. 

We have been separated for almost 4 years now. We went to marriage counseling together for about 4 months right after I moved. He would listen and seemed to be getting it while in the office, but never did any of the work that was suggested of him. He did change for a couple of weeks and wanted me to move back in. I told him that I would but first I just needed to see that the change was going to last and that he wasn't going to go right back to his old ways. He took that as a rejection and immediately stopped trying and became more resentful as time passed. I really did love him and missed him terribly. After we had been separated for about 2 years I told him I wanted to move back in. He basically made a list of demands I would never agree to which just told me that he didn't want me there. Another year went by and again I tried to move back in and same thing happened. I then asked him to move in with me. He also rejected that. If you ask him he will say he never rejected me, I just didn't want it bad enough to agree to his terms so it was my fault. Sigh... Let me clarify one thing, when I say separated that basically meant that I was at his house from the time he got off work until he went to bed every night, spent at least 8 hours a day with him on his days off, had sex with him twice a week, and then came to my apartment to SLEEP every night after seeing him. He didn't give me any money or support at all during that time either. 

About 6 weeks ago, out of the blue, he told me that he wasn't happy and didn't know if he wants to be married anymore. Says he loves me, but not sure if he wants to be with me. Then he asked me for "space." I was upset and tried to just keep seeing him and calling as usual. He seemed to be getting irritated that I kept coming over. Then one night he didn't want me to come over. I passed by several times and he didn't get home till 1AM on a work day (usually in bed before 9pm!). When he got home he gave me a very unbelievable story so I began looking at phone records. I was absolutely devastated to find he was talking to a woman for HOURS at a time. I immediately confronted him and of course he says they are just talking. I know he has seen her though. When I would go to his house he would roll his eyes when I would walk in the door. He won't kiss me and gets mad if I sit right beside him or touch him in any way. He hardly ever answers my phone calls and never texts me. I went for a full 2 weeks without seeing or contacting him and he didn't contact me either. Tonight I went over there and when I knocked on the door I could hear him move the doorknob to make sure it was locked, but he wouldn't open the door. I guess he was hoping I would think he wasn't home. I felt so humiliated and pathetic. I KNOW I have panicked and done EVERY single thing to push him away farther. I've been clingy, needy, crying, begging, pleading, apologizing, trying to convince him, etc. If there were a checklist of what NOT to do, I make sure to check each one off every time I see him. I just can't seem to stop myself! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!! I know that I feel panicked and desperate, but I honestly don't want him to know that and I can't seem to stop. While we were married he isolated me from everyone and everything. I just sit at home because he gets mad if he goes by and my car isn't here. So, now he won't talk to me and I don't have anyone else to turn to. I really do love him and want to make this work out, but he seems to only be interested in HER. 

Sorry this is so long. As I said, I haven't had anyone else to talk to about this. Thanks for listening.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Heartbroken, the two of you are toxic for each other. You do not work together like you imagined you would. You really need to just let him go. He's made it clear he no longer wants to participate in your unhealthy dynamic the way you have been. Divorce and start completely clean. Heal yourself before getting into another relationship.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You didn't give any reason why any person would want to be with your husband. Get the hell out and keep your children out of this mess. He has shown you over and over who he is, you're just to stubborn to believe it.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

We DID work very well together right up until we got married. He was the one that changed. He can be a very sweet and caring person. I think his jealousy and insecurity just takes over and he can't control it. He doesn't trust me because I broke his heart when he was younger, and then again when I moved out. He just doesn't trust that I will stick around so he pushes me away. I know he is broken inside and I want to help him. I also know that I must be broken inside to want to sign back up for this....but I love him and can't imagine my life without him.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> We DID work very well together right up until we got married. He was the one that changed. He can be a very sweet and caring person. I think his jealousy and insecurity just takes over and he can't control it. *He doesn't trust me because I broke his heart when he was younger, and then again when I moved out.* He just doesn't trust that I will stick around so he pushes me away. I know he is broken inside and I want to help him. I also know that I must be broken inside to want to sign back up for this....but I love him and can't imagine my life without him.


And you also were having at least an emotional affair with him while still married......both of you have shown yourself to be untrustworthy, so it's not really a surprise why he doesn't trust you. Why do you trust him??


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

So... Why did your engagement break off after HS?


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

May I suggest you enter into individual counseling to have a professional asses your situation. 
I believe somehow the relationship has become unhealthy.

Somehow he may no longer be the person who you knew him to be. people change overtime and sometimes not for the better.

Do prepare yourself for an eventuality of divorce.
You have to make concrete steps to form a life without him. Since you are already separated I believe that is a good start.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Did his ExW cheat on him? That's baggage that's really hard to dump...


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> When I would go to his house he would roll his eyes when I would walk in the door. He won't kiss me and gets mad if I sit right beside him or touch him in any way. He hardly ever answers my phone calls and never texts me. I went for a full 2 weeks without seeing or contacting him and he didn't contact me either. Tonight I went over there and when I knocked on the door I could hear him move the doorknob to make sure it was locked, but he wouldn't open the door. I guess he was hoping I would think he wasn't home.


He's a serial cheater - once with you.

He's currently cheating.

He's cruel to you(see above).

He's a control freak.

He has no interest in saving the marriage.

You are already separated. 

What is there is to save? What is there to be desperate for?

File for divorce, get into counseling and move on with your life. You will be okay.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You've been separated for FOUR YEARS. How is that even a marriage anymore? You were more like friends with benefits that a married couple.

You stated that about 6 weeks ago "out of the blue" he said he wasn't happy. This wasn't out of the blue, and I think you know it. 

Why do think you are desperate to go back to a highly disfunctional marriage? And please don't say the standard "because I love him" The relationship you describe isn't love, its co-dependence.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> *We DID work very well together right up until we got married. He was the one that changed.* He can be a very sweet and caring person. I think his jealousy and insecurity just takes over and he can't control it. He doesn't trust me because I broke his heart when he was younger, and then again when I moved out. He just doesn't trust that I will stick around so he pushes me away. I know he is broken inside and I want to help him. I also know that I must be broken inside to want to sign back up for this....but I love him and can't imagine my life without him.


Sounds like he was good at hiding his demons until he thought he didn't have to. Why do you want to save this? Does he have any desire to change, reflected in actual behavior?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my lady.

First of all both of you cheated on your previous spouses and then got married. Now you are more separated then married.

He does not look at your children like a step-dad and you dont look at his children like step-mom.
That is not love for me,more roommates who are good together and help each other to pay the bills.

Just serve him with D papers and look after your kids.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

Because When I was 17 my parents decided to move 8 hours away from him. so, for the last year and a half of our two and a half year relationship it was a long distance relationship. I only saw him once every couple of months and talked to him on the phone for about 10 minutes every Saturday. I repeatedly asked him to move closer to me (he was 20 and I was in high school), but he never did. I wanted a relationship with someone I could SEE and spend time with. I was just a kid.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

"So... Why did your engagement break off after HS?"

Because When I was 17 my parents decided to move 8 hours away from him. so, for the last year and a half of our two and a half year relationship it was a long distance relationship. I only saw him once every couple of months and talked to him on the phone for about 10 minutes every Saturday. I repeatedly asked him to move closer to me (he was 20 and I was in high school), but he never did. I wanted a relationship with someone I could SEE and spend time with. I was just a kid.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> "So... Why did your engagement break off after HS?"
> 
> Because When I was 17 my parents decided to move 8 hours away from him. so, for the last year and a half of our two and a half year relationship it was a long distance relationship. I only saw him once every couple of months and talked to him on the phone for about 10 minutes every Saturday. I repeatedly asked him to move closer to me (he was 20 and I was in high school), but he never did. I wanted a relationship with someone I could SEE and spend time with. I was just a kid.


Sooo... you broke up w/ him to date someone else...?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Heartbroken in Texas, sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us.



> Desperate to save my marriage.


Sorry to be the one who asks this question, but what on earth gives you the idea that you have a marriage that can be saved?:scratchhead:

Your husband has negative traits that he can turn on and off at will and is a manipulative bully who can turn the charm on when he needs to give someone -like an authority figure, such as a counsellor- a snow job.

There may be mental health issues with your husband.

Maybe they caused his first marriage to sink? He appears to be putting holes in his second marriage.

I am truly Sorry, but I think you -and your kids- might need to map out an exit strategy.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_ I repeatedly asked him to move closer to me (he was 20 and I was in high school), but he never did. I wanted a relationship with someone I could SEE and spend time with. I was just a kid._

And now he's doing the same thing. You wanted to move back in and he wouldn't let you.

You wanted to move in with him and he wouldn't let you.

Why again do you want to be married?


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> And you also were having at least an emotional affair with him while still married......both of you have shown yourself to be untrustworthy, so it's not really a surprise why he doesn't trust you. Why do you trust him??


Okay, I realize that I DID cheat on my first husband, Iwas honest about that and I do and have always felt guilty about that. But, that is NOT who I am. My EX used to hold me down and force himself on me at least twice a week for YEARS. I hated him and just didn't know how to get out...wasn't strong enough on my own. I didn't feel like I owed him ANYTHING! That doesn't excuse what I did, but I am NOT untrustworthy. I only started connecting with my current husband because we had a past. I instantly began falling for him because of that. I trusted hi because I knew that I would never cheat on him or hurt him and I thought he felt that way about me too. I realize that I made a series of bad choices. I am now paying for them. I realize that you guys don't know me, but I am actually a very nice, trusting person that tends to try to take care of everyone else and since I am quiet and passive, I tend to get walked all over.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This isn't what you want to hear, but I honestly don't think that there's anything that you can do here.

And, more importantly, I don't see any reason that you SHOULD do anything here. Well, other than file for divorce, that is.

Stop calling him, texting him, e-mailing him, going by his place, etc. File for divorce and go full-on 180.

Do the two of you have any children together?

Do you work?

How old are your children now?


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

*m *


GusPolinski said:


> Sooo... you broke up w/ him to date someone else...?



Yes, pretty much. Now that was BEFORE cell phones. We had telephone conversations for 10 minutes once per week and saw each other for 2 days every other month. That's not much communinication for a year and a half. I hung in there for a long time! Have you tried it?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> *m *
> 
> 
> Yes, pretty much. Now that was BEFORE cell phones. We had telephone conversations for 10 minutes once per week and saw each other for 2 days every other month. That's not much communinication for a year and a half. I hung in there for a long time! Have you tried it?


You misunderstand. There was no judgement or condemnation in my question: only a desire to understand. After all, "right", "wrong", or whatever, that event may very well comprise (in his eyes, anyway) a key portion of the tapestry this is your relationship.

Still, I suppose I could've worded it a bit better.

And no, I've never been in an LDR.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

eastsouth2000 said:


> May I suggest you enter into individual counseling to have a professional asses your situation.
> I believe somehow the relationship has become unhealthy.
> 
> Do prepare yourself for an eventuality of divorce.
> You have to make concrete steps to form a life without him..


I started counseling 3 weeks ago. I asked him to go with me, but he declined so I am going alone. I am talking to the counselor about my marriage, but at the same time working on myself. Still trying to get my feet under me. Have been having a REALLY hard time copin with all of this and have barely been able to function. I'm depressed, cry all the time, and am so anxious that I'm about to jump out of my skin. And, before you all ask....yes, I have doubled my antidepressant, began taking hormones to combat early premenopausal irritability, and the doctor has me on antianxiety medication so I can at least stop my hands from shaking. I AM, at this point, somewhat more calm than I was in the beginning, but still not doing great. I lost 10 lbs the first week all of this started. The third week after he told me he wanted "space," I ended up in the ER thinking I was having a stroke. Apparently my lack of sleep, not eating much and walking for miles and miles every day had taken its toll. And, no I wasn't trying to loose weight, I was just trying to get my mind to stop. I couldn't stop picturing him climbing on top of her, smiling at her, touching her, etc...etc...etc. The only time I wasn't crying was when I was walking because I couldn't cry and breathe heavy at the same time. My potassium level was critically low and it's a wonder my heart didn't stop. I have been trying to get myself together, but it's a slow process. I just feel dead inside. I am nauseated every time I think about it and I can't stop myself from obsessing about it. I know that this could very well end in divorce. It probably will. That is not what I want. 


"You didn't give any reason why any person would want to be with your husband. Get the hell out and keep your children out of this mess. He has shown you over and over who he is, you're just to stubborn to believe it."

My husband can be a complete jerk. I will NOT disagree. And, he is definitely controlling, obsessive, VERY jealous and yes, even a bully. He can also be caring and kind. He just always wants everything his way. I know he has problems and much of that has to do with his family, but that doesn't mean that I want to give up on him and on us. Even when I moved out, I ALWAYS told him that I loved him and that I didn't want a divorce, I just wanted him to work on his problems. He didn't. Or, at least not anything long term. I did move my children out of the home because I didn't want them around all of that, but I also just needed some peace in my life. Divorce was NEVER what I wanted though.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

BrokenLady said:


> Did his ExW cheat on him? That's baggage that's really hard to dump...


No. As far as I know she never cheated. I'm sure he would have told me if she had. She just had issues with alcohol and was not available to him because she was always drunk.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> You've been separated for FOUR YEARS. How is that even a marriage anymore? You were more like friends with benefits that a married couple.
> 
> You stated that about 6 weeks ago "out of the blue" he said he wasn't happy. This wasn't out of the blue, and I think you know it.
> 
> Why do think you are desperate to go back to a highly disfunctional marriage? And please don't say the standard "because I love him" The relationship you describe isn't love, its co-dependence.


Yes, we were separated for almost 4 years. However, it wasn't a normal separation. I still spent hours every day at his house. I was there from the time he got off work till he went to bed EVERY DAY. And, I spent his entire day off with him every time he had a day off. We spent all holidays together, still had sex on a regular basis, talked multiple times a day on the phone, etc. I only slept in a different place. Somehow I moved 1 mile away and then let him control me from his house just as he always had.

Yes, it was out of the blue. I did NOT see it coming. Things had been exactly the same for almost 4 years, then one day he said he wanted space and it was like a visible brick wall came slamming down around him and he has acted completely different from that moment. He was normal until that very moment, and completely different every since. That was not something I had seen coming or I would have tried harder to do something about it. 

Why am I desperate to save my marriage? Because I DO love him. I don't see myself ever being with anyone else. He is on my mind constantly. He alienated me from everyone else that I knew (other than my kids). He's my best friend and my partner. The person I have shared every detail about my life with. I have told him all my secrets and dreams. He has told me the same about him. I look at him and see a hurt little boy that is damaged from his upbringing and I do understand where he is coming from most of the time. I only wish I had seen it before I moved out. If I had, I would have responded much differently to what he needed and how he acted. I want the chance to do that now. I honestly think if I was given another chance, I could make this work because I believe I have a better idea of why he acts the way he does. Things weren't always bad with us. He just got very resentful of the fact that I didn't live there....but he felt the need to prove a point to me so he made it impossible for me to move back.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> You misunderstand. There was no judgement or condemnation in my question: only a desire to understand.


I'm sorry. I am just really having a hard time and finally got the courage to put it in words. I don't WANT my marriage to end. I realize that it's not just about what I want, but I came here to try to find advice or help from others for how to save my marriage. Instead, I feel like everyone just thinks I'm an idiot and all I'm hearing is that I should cut my losses and run. I don't want that! I want my husband. He isn't perfect and he has LOTS of issues, but I promised to love, honor and cherish till death do us part and that's what I intend to do. I am very well aware that this is disfunctional, but it's all I have and I want to fix it if I can. To be honest though, he does still hold that against me. I mean holy crap I was EIGHTEEN years old. I was just a kid. Why, why, why can't he forgive me for something I did when I was a KID?!


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Sorry to be the one who asks this question, but what on earth gives you the idea that you have a marriage that can be saved?:scratchhead:
> .


I don't know if I have a marriage that can be saved. I just know that I have to try. I WANT to save my marriage. If anyone has any ideas that can help me SAVE MY MARRIAGE, please share them with me! 


"Sounds like he was good at hiding his demons until he thought he didn't have to. Why do you want to save this? Does he have any desire to change, reflected in actual behavior?"


Yes, he was very good at hiding his negative qualities until we were married. As far as change, he claims that he has "tried everything," but I haven't witnessed this. He gets offended when I say that, but it's true. Whatever he "tried" (if anything) never seemed to come across to me as trying at all. He did seem to try when I first left, but that lasted about 2 weeks, then he stopped. And, ever since then all I have heard is that "I did try and you said it wasn't good enough." UGH! I NEVER said that. What I said was that I needed him to prove that he could do it long term and not just for 2 weeks. He thought after that 2 weeks I should have just trusted him and should run back home. i stood my ground and this is where it got me.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Stop calling him, texting him, e-mailing him, going by his place, etc. File for divorce and go full-on 180.
> 
> Do the two of you have any children together?
> Do you work?
> How old are your children now?


We both have children, but do not have any together. 

Yes, I do work. I have a good job. He doesn't and hasn't helped support me since the day I moved out. I dont rely on him financially at all. I do struggle with money, but do not ask him to help me out.

My kiddos are just about all grown. I currently have 3 kids still living with me and they are all in college. My youngest is 18 and I fully support all 3 of them by myself. Their dad never did pay me any child support over the years even though it was ordered.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Heartbroken, the two of you are toxic for each other. You do not work together like you imagined you would. You really need to just let him go. He's made it clear he no longer wants to participate in your unhealthy dynamic the way you have been. Divorce and start completely clean. Heal yourself before getting into another relationship.


Agreed!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> *m *
> 
> 
> Yes, pretty much. Now that was BEFORE cell phones. We had telephone conversations for 10 minutes once per week and saw each other for 2 days every other month. That's not much communinication for a year and a half. I hung in there for a long time! Have you tried it?


Maybe Gus hasn't but I have. 5 years long distance dating with my first husband, then fiance. He lived across the Atlantic. Calls 3x a week for as long as two working students could afford. Maybe I saw him 2x a year for a week at a time if I was lucky and had the money for a ticket. It was beyond tough but we did it and were married for 8 years. 

You made some choices that weren't optimal, sure, but you seem to own them. I fail to see then, why you're desperate to be with this man when he's obviously not on the same page as you. 

The reason I asked about HS is that people rarely change in fundamental ways. His actions then said he didn't want to be with you, his actions now say the same. He liked the idea of you, but when it comes to work and effort to be with you, he can't be bothered. He's also a cad. 

I dated a guy just like that after my divorce and it is DRAINING to be the only person invested in someone that won't reciprocate. Let him go, heal, and find someone who better matches your value system.


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