# It's time for me to talk



## Loralie (Sep 29, 2010)

This is going to be the first time anyone has ever heard my story. I think it's time for me to tell it.

I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 18. We both have a lot of family issues and we helped each other overcome a lot of our problems. After dating for about a month, I tried to break up with him because I was young and didn't want to be in a serious relationship. He cried and told me how he had never felt this way for a girl before. (He loved me.) I felt really bad and couldn't break up with him. A few months later, I was in a car accident. He was the only one there for me- not even my parents were there emotionally for me. That was the time when I knew I loved him and I could see how much he loved me.

We had a great time together. He was fun and I will have to admit that he helped mold me into the person I am today. He was amazing in every aspect, emotionally and psychically. After dating for a little while, we decided to get an apartment together. It was great. We had our fights in the beginning but everything always worked out. Also, at this time, I barely worked and was continuing to go to school. He paid all of the bills.

After 3 years of dating, we moved to another town together. We partied like crazy and had some of the best times of my life. I also started dancing at a local gentleman's club (don't judge). This was a decision that I made to help us further our lives. He is also not the jealous type and I think he actually enjoys it. lol Since I made a lot more money than him, I decided to start paying more of the bills. This helped him afford his "dream" car, that would soon haunt our relationship.

After 4 years of dating, we decided to get married. We eloped on a beach. It was perfect. We also decided to try to a child. Not long after we were married, I found out I was pregnant. I quit dancing and worked at a local supermarket. We also moved in with my parents to help us save for the baby.

In Feb of 2008, our daughter was born. There was so much joy in our life, so much love. A few months after her birth, I decided to go back to work at the club in order for us to move back into our own place. My husband also took a new job, making a lot more money. This was great because I only had to work 1-2 nights a week and was a stay-at-home mom the rest of the time. 

This is where the problems started. It seemed that my husband was becoming "less fun" almost over night. He went from being fun and energetic to lazy and reclusive. Soon after these changes, he work slowed down tremendously. Since he was paid only commission, he started only make a few hundred dollars every 2 weeks. We made the mutual decision that he would quit and I would work to pay the bills. Things worked out pretty well but after 6 months, he decided he had to go back to work.

However, he didn't help with the bills. He paid the car payment and insurance. His bills totals 600 a month, while mine totaled over 2k. I tried to sit him down so we could figure out where all of his money was going. At the time, he had a large payment on a toolbox/tools that he needed for work. So, I said that I would continue to pay the bills until he paid this off. 

Well, now it paid off and he still doesn't help. He's becoming lazier and lazier everyday. I have to beg him to take out the trash.

It's not just money. It's his personality. We don't talk like we used to... he's pretty much cut off all contact with his friends and most of his family. RECLUSE is the only word I can think of to describe him. It's like I don't even know who he is anymore.

I've also decided to go back to school. He just complains about how much time I have to spend with my online classes, instead of being supportive.

I've tried to talk with him. Ask him what's wrong. He just clams up and won't talk to me. He says there's nothing wrong and I'm imagining things. I'm not.

I can't take this anymore. I don't want to be a single mom but I all ready feel like one. I cook, clean, take care of our daughter, go to school, do all of the shopping everyday from 8 am until I go to sleep. I also work 3 days a week from 7pm until 4 in the morning... On those nights, I get only a few hours of sleep. He works M-F 8-5, comes home and plays video games. I had to unplug the internet the other night just to get him to come watch a movie with me and our daughter. He won't read to her unless I force him to. It shouldn't be this hard to get a father to want to play with his child. 

I just don't know if I want to be in this relationship anymore. I wish I could get the person I met 7 years ago back. There's no spark..no chemistry between us anymore. I need advise.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Right off the top of my head I would say he sounds depressed.


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## Loralie (Sep 29, 2010)

dblkman said:


> Right off the top of my head I would say he sounds depressed.


Yea, I think so too. I've asked him on several occasions what is bothering him but he says there's nothing. He had a hard childhood and I think it could be all of the memories he has kept inside. Although he has confided with me on somethings, I think there are other things that he's too afraid to tell me. So, I bought him a journal, promised I would never touch it. 

He never touched it. It's been sitting on the bookshelf collecting dust, empty. I'm not sure how he would react to a counseling idea. I'm sure it won't be good though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are your boundaries? Are you willing to stay with someone who doesn't participate? If not, tell him. Give him a chance to do something about it.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

His behavior sounds similar to my wife when she is in a deep depression. Even if its not depression, perhaps my approach could offer a little help, siince it has helped her climb out multiple times.

We don't really need her income, but I had to really push her into a more agressive job in the nursing field. In my case, my motivational speech was always focused around her finding something somewhat challenging to do regularly, away from the home. I remind her that she will not feel better at first, so she'll go through the motions for a while. Ultimately, she'll cycle out.

Her medication has changed over the years, but we both agree that its benefits are subtle. The 'getting plugged in' is what works for her.

The way you describe the early years sounds like there is hope. But in my case, over time I had to carefully build boundaries to let her know that giving in was not an option. My only concern with throwing out boundaries immediately is that it might be counterproductive, only adding to the depression if this is truly the problem.


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## Loralie (Sep 29, 2010)

takris said:


> In my case, my motivational speech was always focused around her finding something somewhat challenging to do regularly, away from the home.


Thank you so much for your advise. I do think that he needs something to do away from home, sort of like hobby I guess. Although I do think his job may be the cause of some of the depressed feeling he is having, with this economy it is best for us for him to stay where he is at. And now that I think about it, these problems did begin to occur after he started this job. I'm looking for the right time to talk with him. I think this time I want to actually talk and not send letters back and forth.

Once again, I appreciate everyone's help so far. It has made me feel a lot better about my situation.


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## Loralie (Sep 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> What are your boundaries? Are you willing to stay with someone who doesn't participate? If not, tell him. Give him a chance to do something about it.


I think I'm past my boundaries. I keep sticking through it because I care about keeping my family together. But I am not willing to stay with him if he doesn't participate in our marriage or family life. It only leads to a pointless life.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Loralie said:


> I think I'm past my boundaries. I keep sticking through it because I care about keeping my family together. But I am not willing to stay with him if he doesn't participate in our marriage or family life. It only leads to a pointless life.


Have you told him this? It sounds like you are saying that unless he becomes more involved, you will leave or try to make him leave. 

Its important that you first define your boundaries and the consequences - and be specific. Don't just say "be more loving" - but maybe ask that he eat dinner with you and your daughter every night, or set up a date night once a week.

Then you have to talk to him and let him know what you need and what you'll do if he's unwilling to work on things.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Loralie said:


> Yea, I think so too. I've asked him on several occasions what is bothering him but he says there's nothing. He had a hard childhood and I think it could be all of the memories he has kept inside. Although he has confided with me on somethings, I think there are other things that he's too afraid to tell me. So, I bought him a journal, promised I would never touch it.
> 
> He never touched it. It's been sitting on the bookshelf collecting dust, empty. I'm not sure how he would react to a counseling idea. I'm sure it won't be good though.


Is it possible that he is comfortable now? Maybe he has all he needs, so he doesn't feel the need to do all the things you guys used to do. 

A rough childhood can bring tremendous gratefulness. I mean you learn to appreciate the day to day monotony of life and family because you never had it.

I'm not saying it's not depression, but I know that once people become comfortable and complacent...sometimes they are perfectly happy where they are and may not notice that you are not....just a thought to ponder...


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Just saying,y when men say "nothing is wrong" they usually mean it....Quite the opposite from us females


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## Knightdriver (Oct 1, 2010)

Loralie, I wish I was a magical elf that could see things unerringly, but I'm not so please bear with me. 

If indeed your husband's mood has done a 180 over a very short amount of time, then it is almost assuredly some form of depression or post-traumatic stress. If his childhood was bad, the specter of his past family life may have emotionally run him over. 

Depression is horrible, pernicious, and ultimately you have to separate the depression from the person. If he is depressed, that means there is a monster constantly bullying him and unfortunately it's in his own head, where you can't get at it. 

You can only be there for him when he starts to crawl out of that hole. You cannot offer help, he has to ask for it. By this I do not mean that offering help is a bad idea. I mean, literally, your offers of help have no chance of reaching him. The monster won't let it happen and it knows him better than you do. 

Here's the hard part. You have to decide whether to stick things out "through sickness and in health" or ensure that you keep yourself emotionally nourished so that you can better take care of your daughter. These are different battles, but fortunately you don't have to make a hard choice right away. 

Looking at this from a purely pragmatic standpoint, I'd advice sticking things out for a bit longer and remember that not every good man is going to make a good father. If he's not beating the kids irrationally or attacking them emotionally, he's doing well enough to get a "C" in fatherhood (which is a passing grade in most classes). 

Take some time and figure out how long you're willing to allow things to stay this way in your own mind and use that time to figure out things you can do for you and your daughter that are fulfilling. If he comes around during that period of time, or hits the point where he says "Honey, I need help." Then it's time well spent and worth every bit of patience.

If, however, he doesn't, it's probably time to leave and take your daughter with you. I wouldn't totally cut him out of her life because he sounds like a decent guy, just a decent guy with a problem.

I hope this helps.


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