# Are my reasons valid for not wanting to have sex with my live in boyfriend?



## Blackeyes549 (Nov 18, 2021)

Hi. This post will be long, so thanks dor your time reading it.
My boyfriend and I moved in together in 2018 and he was amazing when I met him. He treated me like a queen and, besides being a great partner, him and I were sexually compatible. We both have a high sex drive.

The problem started when my boyfriend suddenly changed his personality after a couple of months of living together. He would pick up fights over petty things and start drama. I was able to deal with it for a while but his behavior hasn’t changed and it got to the point that my boyfriend started sleeping on the couch instead of the bedroom every time he would get upset. I did not send him there. He CHOSE to sleep on the couch. This wasn’t okay with me because I hate not feeling his presence next to me whenever I wake up. It feels like we’re enemies and I want him close.

He would come back to bed days later whenever he felt horny but after the act, he would go back to the couch even if we were not angry. When I confronted him about it, he made excuses saying the room is too hot or that he falls asleep while watching TV in the living room. This happened many times and I felt used, like a **** buddy since he wanted to sleep separately most of the time.

Even though he’s been ****ty to me, I still have tried to give him sex because I know physical intimacy is important in a relationship. Let me give you an example of a time he decided to sleep on the couch. On a Friday we had good sex and we wanted to repeat it on Saturday. But my boyfriend out of nowhere started a drama that Saturday night. I was basically ready to go to bed and I unmade my part of the bed but not his. He called me selfish for doing this. He said I should unmake both parts of the bed and not just mine and as a result he slept on the couch basically punishing me for what I did. Don’t you think this was something petty to get angry about? But my boyfriend thinks it was serious.

He slept on the couch for an entire week and gave me the silent treatment after that tantrum and now he’s saying he wants to sleep back in the bed because he has back pain from sleeping on the couch. But he also wants to touch me and have sex and he knows I don’t want to after he treated me like I had committed a sin.

I don’t feel comfortable having sex with him anymore because of the way he treats me and when I tell him I don’t want it, he plays the victim and expects me to be horny and ready for sex like nothing happened. Our communication is also really bad because he won’t text me throughout the day for some reason. If I text, he doesn’t reply saying that he’s “busy”. So I don’t know what to do since I’ve lost interest in having sex with him. We keep sleeping separately because he won’t sleep in the bed unless I let him touch me. He says it’s offensive to be next to me and not be able to touch me. He’s also playing the role of “sweet” guy doing nice things for me but I know it’s because he wants sex and then God knows if he’ll have a tantrum or get angry at me again.
He’s not selfish in bed and cares about pleasing me but after sex treats me like crap and leaves me alone while he sleeps on the couch all the time. I feel unloved and giving him sex again would be like saying it’s okay for him to use me whenever he feels like it. That’s how I see it. Please give me your thoughts.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

You are worried about validating your reasons for not having sex when you should be thinking about WHY you are staying in the relationship to begin with. There are much bigger issues then sex here.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

He sounds pretty annoying, get rid of him maybe?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Why have you been dealing with this for 3yrs?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blackeyes549 said:


> Hi. This post will be long, so thanks dor your time reading it.
> My boyfriend and I moved in together in 2018 and he was amazing when I met him. He treated me like a queen and, besides being a great partner, him and I were sexually compatible. We both have a high sex drive.
> 
> The problem started when my boyfriend suddenly changed his personality after a couple of months of living together. He would pick up fights over petty things and start drama. I was able to deal with it for a while but his behavior hasn’t changed and it got to the point that my boyfriend started sleeping on the couch instead of the bedroom every time he would get upset. I did not send him there. He CHOSE to sleep on the couch. This wasn’t okay with me because I hate not feeling his presence next to me whenever I wake up. It feels like we’re enemies and I want him close.
> ...


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

that part of you not making his side of the bed and a argument about it reads to me like he was finding an excuse to fight so he could sleep on the couch. I agree with Numb26 this isn't about sex. Walk away from this and be happy!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Forget about the sex. You should be asking why you've put up with this for nearly 3 years. You want to figure that out so you don't repeat it with your next BF. Right now though you should start moving out or kick him out. He is basically treating you like his sex doll.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are not married so you are free to end this relationship. Neither of you seem happy so there is no point in staying together.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

he does not sound like a good boyfriend.
in fact it sounds like he might have some mild personality disorder.
did he have any sibling sisters? possibly he just never learned how to live/interact with women?

in any event, small personality disorders, when untreated, can become pretty big as he gets older, so it will probably NOT get better with time.

ask him why he is so angry all the time. if he does not at least acknowledge there IS a problem, things will not go well in the future


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You taught him how to treat you and you have for all intended purposes allowed him to do it. So, why are you now surprised/upset? 

Boyfriend/girlfriend is a trial relationship to see if there's compatibility. He has failed it. You guys are not compatible. If you stay, prepare yourself for a hell of a relationship as time goes by. His behavior is also that of a person that might have some sort of aberrant behavior. You need to check on this. he might get worse as time goes by. Watch out if you stay. it's not going to be nice nor easy. You should follow your biological instinct: ME FIRST. Get out of this relationship.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

“Are my reasons valid for not wanting to have sex with my live in boyfriend?”

Yes.

But the situation is untenable and needs to be changed one way or the other.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Are he and the relationship really worth all the drama? If the answer is no then cut him loose and be done with it.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Don't waste time on a relationship that has no long term potential. Dump him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You should be asking are my reasons for breakup with my boyfriend reasonable? yes they are. 

Your story reads like a manual on how to make a woman detach, not want to have sex and leave you. 

Please seek to end this relationship before something stupid happens like you get pregnant.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds like he's addicted to something (porn, another chick, booze/drugs, video games...) to me. The silent treatment for days over not turning down his side of the bed is absurd. So petty and melodramatic, if that's really all there was to it. Sounds like the relationship has just gone sour; time to move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is not an unusual pattern. He was on good behavior when you two were just dating. Once you moved in with him and he felt secure he felt safe enough in the relationship to be his true self. What you see is what you get. 

You don't love who he is. That's clear. You love who you thought he was. It's time to leave him. If you don't you might find yourself in this situation with a child or two and it will be much harder to leave. Plus, he will mistreat any children you have as well.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What does he bring to the relationship? Does he have a job, close ties to family, friends? Helps out around the house? Does he like spending time with you otherwise, like seeing your friends and family, engaging in your hobbies? A shared social life?

(Do you still have a social life and are you still having close contact with friends and family?)

You sound really nice and caring, you seem genuinely concerned for him and his needs. But understandably you must be feeling like a sex doll.

It seems like he is the person that likes to ‘win’, so you trying to stand up for yourself and express your self and put some boundaries in place, will probably be seen as a fight to him. One that will drain you.

Also seems like the kids of person who likes to argue for the sake of arguing. And let’s be honest, it’s really odd behaviour to be honest. A little beyond the normal sort of intimacy issues people have. Picking a fight to sleep on the couch, but then picking a fight to make you think there’s something wrong with you. A bit oppositional, but ‘a lot’ strange.

I really think this is going to make you crazy; if it hasn’t already. I don’t see a nice life for you if you stay with him. (Your life already isn’t nice, unless you can tell me there is anything else in his character to make me think otherwise)


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Blackeyes549 said:


> I feel unloved and giving him sex again would be like saying it’s okay for him to use me whenever he feels like it. That’s how I see it. Please give me your thoughts.


He is just a BF, easily replaced. My thoughts are move on and let him do the same. Be glad you didnt marry and/or have kids. You can easily find a BF who isn't selfish, pleases you, and doesn't throw hissy fits.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He sounds like a little boy in a man's body. Is this what you really want?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Numb26 said:


> You are worried about validating your reasons for not having sex when you should be thinking about WHY you are staying in the relationship to begin with. There are much bigger issues then sex here.


This.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Part of it is his need of control.
He does not feel in control of himself.

Most of it is him not wanting to be in a serious relationship......anymore.

He is conflicted, does not want to be your man, and yet cannot break away in a professional manner.

Pure passive-aggressive behavior.
He subconsciously wants to leave you.

Give him his unconscious wish,
Give him the boot, fully awaken him to his desire.

This is another one of those traits we ascribe to bi-polar people (push/pull).

Speaking of poles, let him go live in Antarctica (South Pole).

His hot/cold personality will be welcomed there with those wacky Emperor Complex, penguins.


_N-_


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Blackeyes549 said:


> The problem started when my boyfriend suddenly changed his personality after a couple of months of living together.


Oh he didn't change his personality....that IS his personality.

Perhaps you should have broke up with him a few years ago....


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm confused here. Exactly WHY is he still your "boyfriend"?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'll toss a different opinion into the mix...

Being close to someone in a relationship tends to thrive on differentiation. You each need to maintain independent (as in happy with or without the other) personalities in order to achieve closeness. You should be able to wake up happy next to your spouse or away from them.



> This wasn’t okay with me because I hate not feeling his presence next to me


THAT seems problematic. It is OK to feel happy waking up next to your spouse, but it is problematic that you have feelings of "hate" by simply waking up alone. That would be an indication that you are leaning towards being a little needy and codependent (just leaning towards that). Ideally you should feel perfectly fine waking up independently, and it may even be healthy to enjoy waking up in separate beds so you each have extra personal space. That is not for everyone, but some couples do have separate bedrooms. 

The key thing to pay attention to is if you get enough quality time together as friends and you enjoy sharing things that make each happy? If so, then perhaps things are not as bad as it may seem. However if you live like roommates and both go your own way until he needs sex, that is indeed problematic and you have a reason to be upset and frustrated.

We live in different times these days where many folks now work from home. Some marriages have failed as a result while others have thrived. Much of it comes down to understanding how to promote each other's personal space and a loving friendship simultaneously. 

Regards, 
Badsanta

PS: Some folks with ASD struggle to sleep due to sensory issues. A partner that snores or tosses regularly and refuses electronics for comforting white noise (a whirring fan or perhaps a fish tank with cascading water) can make it impossible for someone with ASD to get a good night of sleep. Someone with ASD can also be grumpy a lot if people around them don't respect sensory issues (being unable to read with a TV on in the background, or being unable to listen to on a phone call if music is playing in the background).


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Sex is part of a loving relationship. Notice the word loving.
Sex is not some requirement as a cold blooded contract agreement.

You should share sex as part of a loving relationship. From what you posted, you used to do that. It's no longer "loving".


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

He is a drama llama and not worth the trouble. 

Tell him to hit the road. Then figure out why you put up with his **** for so long.


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## Blackeyes549 (Nov 18, 2021)

I know he’s not good for me and I should dump him. I don’t know if he might have a personality disorder or he’s just a liar because he’ll fool me being sweet and attentive and then gets angry over everything I do. And I’ve given him sex and feel used afterwards because he treats me like a stranger. 
I wanted to confirm if my feelings of not wanting sex with him are valid because he makes me feel like I’m the “bad” one for not giving it to him. But after the way he treats me, I don’t know what he expects. I can’t just pretend everything is okay while he ignores me or gives me the silent treatment. I just wanted to know if I’m the crazy one since he plays the victim for not getting his needs met.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Blackeyes549 said:


> *I’ve given him sex and feel used afterwards because he treats me like a stranger. *


In the event you want to work on your relationship, you need to address being the one that is not getting your needs met BEFORE allowing him to take sex from you.

Ideally sex shouldn't be give and take. It happens. When it does, you need to be sure take what you need before allowing it. If he needs to give you more kindness and friendship, make sure he is willing to allow you to take that from him before he takes sex from you. Whenever you feel used, be preemptively selfish enough to self advocate to take what you need so that he feel just as used as you do.

Being used is a two-way street. Or you could call it a shared experience so that sex is something shared once that happens.

Regards,
Badsanta

PS: This is written in a way to some raise some eyebrows. Hidden in between the lines is a suggestion to just be more confident and try standing up for yourself to get what you want from the relationship in order to be happy. If he doesn't have that in him to give to you, then move on...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Numb26 said:


> You are worried about validating your reasons for not having sex when you should be thinking about WHY you are staying in the relationship to begin with. There are much bigger issues then sex here.


Can I hear an AMEN!?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

As long as you are with him, he is entitled to your body just like you were married. You aren’t submissive as a woman should be. Have you cooked him supper lately? Ironed his clothes? In what ways do you show him you love and respect him? I’ll bet if you made more effort to attend his needs, it would go a long way toward assuaging his anger toward you. You’ve been a cold, heartless woman to him.
jk, I say dump him and while you’re packing your things, tell him you hope he’ll be less angry and not have to give the next one all that silent treatment. I don’t go for the silent treatment game. Been there, done that… 
It’s a weapon of an emotionally abusive person.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ouch, I’m not sure about the needy label for someone wanting to wake up next to a partner? Usually part of the package in a relationship. Sleeping on the couch for such long periods of time is an issue. That one’s on him. Marriages end because a partner moves into another room. They don’t market single beds much in ads for couples. Two pillows on one mattress it is.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> As long as you are with him, he is entitled to your body just like you were married.


Is he "entitled"? Not sure this is a good choice of words.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Is he "entitled"? Not sure this is a good choice of words.


Evinrude was being sarcastic to make a point.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Evinrude was being sarcastic to make a point.


Well, I hope so... 🙂


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Evinrude was being sarcastic to make a point.


Not really sure that was sarcasm.

Many men around here feel that there should be sex no matter what.

Obviously the boyfriend is displaying behavior that no woman would find sexy and is trending toward abusive. The water gets hot very slowly. Before you know it you are doing this or that just so he doesn't get upset.

Either way she should just get out. Yes sex is a part of a healthy relationship, this is not healthy.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

There was another thread where I advised the individual to lay out their expectations to their partner and stick to them -- basically give the partner a chance to do the right thing. I'm not sure that is going to work in your case. I can't, in good conscience, advise you to do that. I just don't think it will work.

However, if you do want to try, you could lay it all out, all of your expectations. If any of them are broken, leave.


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