# The line between Fair and Prepared



## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

Hello,

I have read some of the threads, but this is my first post. I have been married for 13 years and I am planning on not having a 14th anniversay. We have two kids, 8 and 2. 

I am divorcing him, my first lawyer appt. is today. Have done IC and MC, but I realize that I am no longer interested in being romantically involved with him. I have what I consider a psychosomatic problem--I have dizzy spells and extreme nausea when I orgasm. I have chosen not to come for the past 1-2 years, but now I don't even want to do that. I do not want to have sex with him, yet we have it once a week because he will brood and be moody and sarcastic until I give in. I don't hate sex--I just hate sex with him.

Yet I feel so sad that I will hurt him in this profound way--either I can be happy and leave (and he will be crushed) or I will stay and he will be (somewhat) happy and I will die inside.

Last summer I broke down because I had suicidal thoughts when I thought of divorce. I don't want to wreck my kids' lives. I never thought I would do this. Then I realized that killing myself would mess up my kids far more than divorce.

So--divorce. I want to be fair, I don't want it to come out of nowhere for him. But though I have talked about my unhappiness, when I mention leaving he freaks out. Says he will kill himself if I leave, why can't I just have sex it would make him so happy, why don't I love him enough to do that? I am not sure of his reaction when I finally, bluntly, spell it out that this relationship is over and I will not want to live with him forever. I don't want to seem like a jerk getting prepared for a divorce while he doesn't get how bad it is--neither do I want to be burned if he goes off the deep end. Where's the line of trying of going forward in a fair manner to all?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why start being fair now?


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## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

Because I like to think of myself as a responsible person, not a vindictive one.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

this is not a attack, it's a real question, because I'm confused on your condition and not hating sex, just sex with him: Would you "choose to come" with someone else?


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## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

It might. When I first met him, it never happened. It started up a couple of years before our first child, but it was random. As time went by, it now happens almost every time I orgasm.

I don't if it would happen with somebody else--chances are it would, and that would be a bummer. It was another reason I stayed so long--after all, what man is going to want to deal with that? But if a large portion of it is psychological (even if unconscious) and due to resentment, I might be able to fun sex with someone else. I really don't know.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

A couple of baseline observations. 

Because he threatened suicide if you leave:
1. He is either UNFIT to share parenting duties in near term in the event of a Divorce OR
2. He is incredibly manipulative and controlling

BTW - the fact that you thought about suicide - doesn't make you crazy. There is a big difference between thinking about it - and threatening someone else you will do it unless they stay with you. 

Be careful how you manage custody. He sounds scary.



MoonHare said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have read some of the threads, but this is my first post. I have been married for 13 years and I am planning on not having a 14th anniversay. We have two kids, 8 and 2.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you tried having orgasms by yourself? This might be a way for you to find out if it’s your reaction to him or a bigger problem.

Have you seen an OB/GYN about the dizzyness and nausia? There are physical conditions that could cause this.


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## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

What is EFT? We have done HJ, BJs, not as much as he would like, that's for sure. I have gone to a doctor, it appears to be painless Migraine Associated Vertigo(MAV). Apparently, I'm lucky that I don't get a killer headache to go with it. It can happen while working out as well, and it has on occassion for me. I have come to completion by myself, usually I do get somewhat dizzy, but not as badly. So there is definitely a physical basis to the dizziness as well. If I get up and walk/jump around immediately afterward, I can lessen the severity. I always have to do this immediately afterward if I orgasmed with him. 

It's just that we've been fighting over the years so much about this, I just don't want to fight anymore. Some additional info: orgasms are always facilitated by a vibrator and I'm never thinking about him while I'm doing it with him. I'm thinking of someone else, usually a tv/book character or random male friend. 

So I can do sex, if I have to. Sure it's fun sometimes. I love that he loves me naked. But I have no emotional romantic connection during the act. Then, it's just sex and I'm fantasing about someone else to get off. This is not sustainable.


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