# Need Advice on an Affair



## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

I hope I can get some good advice, as I am not sure where else to go. I have made a huge mess of my life and relationship, and I do not know what to do. I and 33 years old and have been married for 5 years, no children. For the most part the marriage has been good. We have had some tough times over the past six months, though, but I never even thought about straying or leaving. Then, about three months ago I met a friend/coworker of my husband's and was instantly attracted to him. We became friends on our own due to mutual interests, and started hanging out a few times. At first it was just flirtation but became more than that. We have only been intimate once. I feel horrible and guilty, but I have also developed major feelings for this guy. I also love my husband and do not want to hurt him. We recently ended the affair and decided to remain friends (this was more his decision, as he said he was not content with having an affair and wanted a real relationship that did not have to be hidden), but this broke my heart and I am having trouble moving on. I do not know if I should just deal with and work on my marriage or if I should leave my marriage to pursue something further. I am afraid of hurting my husband, and also of destroying our life together, which has been very comfortable and nice. I also do not want to end up alone or make the wrong decision. The thing is, it hurts so badly to think of not being with the other guy. I have truly developed feelings for him and really care about him.. How can I just move on now? How could I hurt my husband like that? Also, if my husband and I decide to stay together do I have to tell him, or is this a secret that is ok to keep? Please help, I have been depressed and anxious over this since it started, and not a day goes by where I don't break down crying.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You broke your marriage vows, had sex with another man. And you're looking for sympathy?

Bob


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

what you need to do is confess this info to your husband. he deserves to know what his options are. Who knows, if you tell him he might grant you that divorce so you can pursue your interest in the OM. you say that you do not want to hurt him but by keeping this from him you ARE hurting him because you are hurting your marriage. I might be a little lenient if you had said that you were over him and wanted to work on your marriage but you have no idea WHAT you want. Ask yourself if it were your H who had the PA wouldn't YOU want to know? Especially if he were considering leaving. Why do folks who have affairs say "i dont want to hurt he or she". That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard, hell you've already hurt them and your marriage.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Would you rather him find out about this some other way?

It's weighing on your mind... get it out and move on from there.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

I do not want sympathy, just advice. I thought this was what this forum was for? And I think people say that "i dont want to hurt he or she", basically because you DON'T want to hurt that person, even though you do. I don't think most people go into this type of situation not caring, or deliberately hurting anyone. Believe it or not, it is painful for everyone involved, but obviously the two people having the affair are the guilty ones and the others just innocent bystanders. I acknowledge how badly I have messed up, but I am still human and do still have emotions of my own.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

But surely if the other guy hadn't ended the relationship you would still be with him committing adultery and deceiving and lying to your husband. You are where you are now not because you ended the EA/PA but because the other guy ended it. If he hadn’t ended it then in time your very good husband would have found out and his heart would have been broken and his life shattered.

What advice can be given to you? Look to your morality? It hasn’t held you in good stead so far has it? Count your blessings? Bit late for that now isn’t it?

You haven’t directly asked the question “What is the best thing to do by my husband” although it is in there somewhere, very much clouded about how you feel about the situation, how sad you feel etc. etc. Personally all I see is someone looking for sympathy, for a woman who has had an EA/PA and who wouldn’t have ended it by herself and who would indeed still be doing the deed right now if it was her choice.

I'll guarantee you that your husband will pick up on that. Unless of course if you do own up you continue to lie to him and deceive him. Even then he'll probably pick up on the fact that you didn't want to end it.

Bob


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

AFEH said:


> But surely if the other guy hadn't ended the relationship you would still be with him committing adultery and deceiving and lying to your husband. You are where you are now not because you ended the EA/PA but because the other guy ended it. If he hadn’t ended it then in time your very good husband would have found out and his heart would have been broken and his life shattered.Bob


In all honesty, I have to admit that you are probably correct. It does not feel good to admit that, but yes I was selfish and tried to convince him to keep it going. And yes I am still being selfish because I am so caught up in my own emotions. I do care what is best for my husband, I just do not know what it is. I do not see what good telling him would do, other than to hurt him. If I can be strong and not see the other guy anymore, I would think we could just move on. And yes, you are right, I am afraid he would see that I still have feelings for the other man.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> In all honesty, I have to admit that you are probably correct. It does not feel good to admit that, but yes I was selfish and tried to convince him to keep it going. And yes I am still being selfish because I am so caught up in my own emotions. I do care what is best for my husband, I just do not know what it is. I do not see what good telling him would do, other than to hurt him. If I can be strong and not see the other guy anymore, I would think we could just move on. And yes, you are right, I am afraid he would see that I still have feelings for the other man.


If you've done it once and you hide it, I guarantee you will do it again. I'm not here to judge you, etc, just stating facts. For whatever reason you decided to sleep with another man. The first time we do anything is always the hardest. We find that doing anything for the 2nd time is that much easier.

The way I see it you have 2 options here. 

The first is to tell your husband and work like you have never worked before to save your marriage. That would entail counseling (joint and separate) to identify the issues with your marriage. Unless you have some kind of mental disorder, there is a reason why you cheated. You wouldn't have cheated if you were completely satisfied with your marriage. So find out what it is about your relationship with your husband that you aren't getting. That's where counseling will help. If you don't get help to find out what your relationship is missing, you will stray again. By the fact that you strayed from marriage shows that neither you nor your husband are able to figure out what the problem is alone. A counselor is a must, not an option.

The second option is to not tell him and just simply divorce him. 

Honestly I feel cheating is horrible. BUT, I find for me personally the cheating isn't AS big of an issue as the dishonesty. By cheating and NOT telling him? That's inexcusable in my book. I don't know for sure, but I would like to think I could find a way to try and work things through with my wife if she cheated and then told me about it. If she cheated and tried to hide it and I found out later? I would immediately divorce her, no questions, no second chances, etc. That would tell me she doesn't care enough about our relationship, and is only out for herself.

It's your call, I hope you make the right one!


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> In all honesty, I have to admit that you are probably correct. It does not feel good to admit that, but yes I was selfish and tried to convince him to keep it going. And yes I am still being selfish because I am so caught up in my own emotions. I do care what is best for my husband, I just do not know what it is. I do not see what good telling him would do, other than to hurt him. If I can be strong and not see the other guy anymore, I would think we could just move on. And yes, you are right, I am afraid he would see that I still have feelings for the other man.


From what I am reading you do have feelings for the other man. Was the other man married as well?


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

FUEGO said:


> From what I am reading you do have feelings for the other man. Was the other man married as well?


No, he is not married, and does not currently have a girlfriend. And honestly, yes I do have feelings for him, and that is part of why this is such a mess and I do not know what to do. That is no excuse, I realize, just an honest answer to your question.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> Honestly I feel cheating is horrible. BUT, I find for me personally the cheating isn't AS big of an issue as the dishonesty. By cheating and NOT telling him? That's inexcusable in my book. I don't know for sure, but I would like to think I could find a way to try and work things through with my wife if she cheated and then told me about it. If she cheated and tried to hide it and I found out later? I would immediately divorce her, no questions, no second chances, etc. That would tell me she doesn't care enough about our relationship, and is only out for herself.
> 
> It's your call, I hope you make the right one!


I see your point about the dishonesty. I cannot imagine hiding this secret for years to come, and I agree that the longer it takes the more destructive it is. I think seeing a counselor is a great idea, but I have a feeling that if I come clean I will be going it alone. Not that I would blame him, but I do not see any hope if he finds out, whether he finds out from me or not.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> but I have a feeling that if I come clean I will be going it alone. Not that I would blame him, but I do not see any hope if he finds out, whether he finds out from me or not.


It may surprise you and he may want to work it out with you. Or, as you say he may not give it that second chance and immediately divorce him. As much as it sucks, in the end you made the conscious decision to cheat, no one forced you to do it. All of our choices have consequences that surround them. There is no "undo button" in life unfortunately! If he does stay then maybe your marriage will end up stronger because of it. But, if the worst happens and you do divorce, I still say you need to find out what went wrong to cause you to stray. What was it that you needed that you weren't getting? That way with the next relationship you have you won't have to go through this again.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Take everything I say with a grain of salt, since my H cheated on me. The affair is a horrible thing. You already know that much. Whats even worse is that you are considering letting him work alongside a man that you cheated on him with. That is awful. You are willing to let them remain friends/colleagues full well knowing that you have slept with this other man. That is such bad juju.

The longer you lie, the worse it will be. My H lied to me for about 18 months, and my world came crashing down. I had always told him from day one that I would leave if he ever cheated, but when it all came crashing down I decided that I would try to forgive and repair our marriage. People say a lot, but when it actually comes down to it happening, sometimes people change their minds.

The OM -- you need to see him for who he really is. He is a guy that came into your house, slept with you and still talks to your husband all week long about the weather. Is that really someone that you want to spend your life with?? Is that really someone that's worth lying to your husband for?? Who do you want to protect, your husband or the other man? The answer should be your husband. By lying to him about all of this, you are protecting the other man and yourself, without any regard to the man you married. 

You should sit down, find a counselor and see when the soonest appt is. Then you should talk with your H, tell him the truth and realize that you owe him at least that. If he decides to work it out then you can both go to the counselor, if not you should probably go to one anyway by yourself.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

The "undo button"- you have no idea how much I wish it was real. From what I have heard from people who have been cheated on by a spouse, the dishonesty is the worst part. I see the pain that it causes when you cheat on your spouse/partner and would do anything to take it back. Even if I do end up alone, maybe I will end up a better person and my husband can find someone who will not do this to him. I want to tell him I am sorry but that sounds so inadequate. I do not know how to express the regret and pain that i feel.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> No, he is not married, and does not currently have a girlfriend. And honestly, yes I do have feelings for him, and that is part of why this is such a mess and I do not know what to do. That is no excuse, I realize, just an honest answer to your question.


See I figured that. He could have been using you as just sex and that's that. Now your on the verge of ruining a marriage when he can just erase you from memory and be good. People have to think about what they do to themselves sometimes. I think you should just tell your husband before he finds out on the street.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> In all honesty, I have to admit that you are probably correct. It does not feel good to admit that, but yes I was selfish and tried to convince him to keep it going. And yes I am still being selfish because I am so caught up in my own emotions. I do care what is best for my husband, I just do not know what it is. I do not see what good telling him would do, other than to hurt him. If I can be strong and not see the other guy anymore, I would think we could just move on. And yes, you are right, I am afraid he would see that I still have feelings for the other man.


I think you are emotionally and physically connected to the other man in a very big way. And that you have a lot of thoughts and feelings for your husband. The other man gave you a choice, stay with your husband or stay with him.

But it is for you to make that choice. Which one is it? Who do you choose? For everyone else there is no right answer, the right answer is yours and yours alone.

What is your choice? Who do you choose? You have one life, your future is in your hands, it ain’t in anybody else’s hands.

Bob


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

This man is not your husbands friend, friends don't do things like that.
If the affair ended only bcus he didn't want to continue then what are you going to do when the next hot horny guy comes along?
I feel like you are only sorry since the om doesn't want you, you are settlin for your husband. You fear being alone so hubby is better than no one.

Answer this question?
If you and husband are in counseling working on the problem, and the other guy calls saying he wants you to leave husband and come be with him, what would you do?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

4sure said:


> This man is not your husbands friend, friends don't do things like that.
> If the affair ended only bcus he didn't want to continue then what are you going to do when the next hot horny guy comes along?
> I feel like you are only sorry since the om doesn't want you, you are settlin for your husband. You fear being alone so hubby is better than no one.
> 
> ...


She'll go with the other guy. But I reckon she's going to be alone no matter what. Happens with cheaters. Unless of course her Husband is a Very Good Man. If he is he'll wake up and think WTF and kick her out.

Bob


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

I dont know that that is quite fair to say. I wasnt out just looking for something/someone, it was just this guy. It is possible to develop real feelings for someone outside of a marriage, right or wrong. And honestly, I do not know what I would do if that choice came up. I know the right thing to do, I would just have to figure out my feelings. I hope I dont end up alone, I would not wish that on anyone. And my husband is a very good man. I know that he deserves better, but believe it or not I do love him. I can understand your hostility, however, because you dont know me, and I did do a terrible thing.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

mmsmith1977
What is your choice? Which Man do you choose?

Bob


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

Maybe neither for now, maybe that is the answer I need. Part of me really wants to work things out in my marriage but feels like I have screwed it up too bad. As far as the other man goes, that has now ended really really badly and has really given me alot of clarity into the situation, and how stupid I was to think that it actually meant anything. I think we will pursue counseling and see how it goes. Maybe he will be able to forgive me and maybe not, I suppose only time will tell.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> Maybe neither for now, maybe that is the answer I need. Part of me really wants to work things out in my marriage but feels like I have screwed it up too bad. As far as the other man goes, that has now ended really really badly and has really given me alot of clarity into the situation, and how stupid I was to think that it actually meant anything. I think we will pursue counseling and see how it goes. Maybe he will be able to forgive me and maybe not, I suppose only time will tell.


Excuse me for being very blunt. Your marriage doesn't have a hope in hell with such a glib attitude.

Bob


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

That is fine, I respect bluntness. I do disagree though. I am not glib at all, just trying to be realistic. I realize there is no way for you to know the amount of stress, anguish and guilt this has brought me. Yes, it was my own doing and no, I do not want any sympathy, but I am certainly not making light of my situation or being glib about it. I just have no idea what to do or where to begin, and am trying to prepare for the worst.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

mmsmith1977 said:


> I see your point about the dishonesty. I cannot imagine hiding this secret for years to come, and I agree that the longer it takes the more destructive it is.


:iagree:

Trust me on this. The secret will eventually be revealed. You are compounding the pain and deception every day you delay fixing things.

The only person you are "helping" by not being truthful and stopping the affair is yourself.

Stop cheating, tell your husband and move forward.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> That is fine, I respect bluntness. I do disagree though. I am not glib at all, just trying to be realistic. I realize there is no way for you to know the amount of stress, anguish and guilt this has brought me. Yes, it was my own doing and no, I do not want any sympathy, but I am certainly not making light of my situation or being glib about it. I just have no idea what to do or where to begin, and am trying to prepare for the worst.


I cannot help you. You were being glib about your husband. You know the guy, it's the one you're married to. You don't give a damn about his feelings, all you care about is your own feelings.

Bob


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I cannot help you. You were being glib about your husband. You know the guy, it's the one you're married to. You don't give a damn about his feelings, all you care about is your own feelings.
> 
> Bob


With all due respect and appreciation, I do not really see how you can think you know my feelings towards my husband and/or who I really am, based upon a few sentences typed into an advice forum. Of course, I realize you are just going by what I have said. It is difficult for me to really articulate what I am thinking, especially to strangers, but I will try. I HAVE been selfish because how I have been feeling has been first and foremost in my mind. It has been about how I have been affected and how terrible I feel. This is true. I do care about my husband's feelings, very much so. He is a very good person and I would do anything to go back and talk to him about our issues rather than do something cowardly. I cannot do that though, there is no magic 'reset' button. So that means that both he and I have to deal with what I have done. If he did leave I would not blame him. I obviously hope that he CAN forgive me, of course. And me being 'glib' is me just not really knowing what to do. I will fully admit that I am completely unsure what to do and where to begin. I do not really care what others think of me, I was just here for advice, but I do want to say that I do take this seriously and I care very much about how this affects my husband. You are right though, in that I do need to make him my number one priority and not my own feelings. I never pretended to be this great person with all the answers. That is why I came on here, because I did not know where else to go for advice. Thanks again.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You got back a day early yesterday after short visit to see your parents because you have some wonderful news to tell your husband. You let yourself in the door and couldn’t see your husband anywhere so you went upstairs into your bedroom. In your bedroom you see your best friend under your husband in the middle of an orgasm. Turns out your husbands been bonking your best friend for the past year.

How do You feel? Maybe good a good place for you to start.

Bob


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you're serious about maintaining your marriage, you really should have no form of relationship or contact with this other man. I'm a little concerned about the level of minimizing in your post "just flirting" and "only intimate once". Also concerned about the decision to remain "friends" with this guy. Your husband has been horribly and seriously betrayed by two people he trusted. That was about as serious as it gets and is tantamount to relationship homicide. I think a firm and final decision is in order. If your decision is to remain married, no contact of any form with this other guy. If your primary reason for remaining married is financial security, then do your H a favor and divorce him. 
There will always be smarter, more interesting, better looking, richer guys than the one you have. They all come with their own special form of aggravation. They probably aren't better, just different. 
If it were my wife and she made a mistake and decided firmly to end it, I would personally prefer not to know. Confession would make you feel better but it will do him no favors. If he's a close friend to the other guy, you're pretty much gonna have to tell him because you can't have your husband's "friend" frequently visiting your home.


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