# Not the person I thought I married



## marriedlonelyguy (May 24, 2011)

The situation.

We've been married for 6 years, known each other over 10 years, no kids.

It has come to the point where I am considering calling it quits, I'm just not happy and I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my life away. I'm 37 and she's 30. We dated for a long time before marriage because I wanted to be sure I was ready and she was the right person for me. 

We used to have the best relationship. We would go out all the time and have a lot of fun. She would come over my apartment and help me clean and she was always in a great mood. We both are independent and love our space, it was perfect.

As soon as we got married and bought our house, things started slowly changing. First, I am a very clean and tidy person, and I always thought she was also. Reality is she is the exact opposite. She is probably the messiest person I have ever met and it is hard to live with. I spend all my free time cleaning up for both of us and she refuses to help. I swear if she lived alone her house would look like a Hoarders episode. For somebody who is a neat freak, this is very stressful to me and I have explained it time and time again and she doesn't care. I feel like if she had acted this way when we were dating, I would have less room to complain, but she totally misrepresented her self. I've tried asking nicely, pleading, and getting angry and yelling, and it does not make a difference.

Second, I love going out and being and having fun, like to a bar or nightclub or a party or just hanging out with friends. These are things we always did when dating. She is at the point now where she doesn't want to do anything but sleep or watch TV. I end up going out by my self every Friday or Saturday, hanging out with my married friends and their wives while she sits at home. It's horrible, and I tell her how much I miss how we used to be.

Third, she has gained a huge amount of weight and I'm finding her more and more unattractive every day. She has probably put on 100 lbs and she out weighs me by probably 50 lbs. I work out 6 days a week and I watch what i eat, and I have a very athletic build thanks to my hard work. I have offered so many times to help her, and she refuses to work out or cut down on the junk. She can't even fit in most of her clothes any more, wears alot of sweatpants and t shirts. I never get on her case about her weight or even mention it unless she brings it up first because she knows it's a problem. We dont even sleep in the same bed because she now has sleep apnea and she refuses to use her breathing machine and I can't sleep with her snoring.

I sat down and thought about it and I don't think we have one common interest any more. All the things I love (working out, going out, sports, movies, etc..) she has no interest in. I still love her and the thought of splitting up breaks my heart, but I am so unhappy I don't know what to do. I don't see how couseling will be able to solve having no common interests and having two extremely different opinions on cleanliness. I seriosly don't think I can compromise on either of those things, I never thought I would have to or I wouldn't have married her.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Do you think she is depressed? Losing interest in things that used to be fun to you is a big indicator of that. What does she say when you bring these things up?


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## marriedlonelyguy (May 24, 2011)

She goes to counseling sometimes and she does have depression issues. Sometimes she goes through stretches when she is really bad but most the time she is ok with it. Another thing I didn't know about until after we were married.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

She is depressed and does not realize it. It's her weight, change it and everything else will fall into place. I hope she knows that losing weight is about being patient. There is no quick fix if you want to do it right. There is something bothering her that is causing her to let herself go. Maybe she thinks it is an daunting task to look good. My guess is, she does not want to be around people because she is embarresed or ashamed of her weight. With that said, you need to have a lot of patience with her; losing weight can be an incredably difficult task, especially if she has a health issue (like thyroid, etc.). The doctor would be the first place I would start and IC would probably benefit her the most. It won't help her to work on her weight if she has underlying issues that are holding her back. If she comes to the realization that losing weight takes time and a lot of effort, she can do it. She does not need to go on one of those fad diets either. Just eat the right things and the right portions and exercise and she will see her weight coming down. She really does not need to deny herself anything with regards to eating. I have some simple diet rules that I use and I stick them religously:

1. No sweets.
2. No soft drinks of any kind (tea, water, juices, water flavors)
3. No bread (substitute pita if you have to, just not daily)
4. Lot's of water daily.
5. No fried food (one day a week I might treat myself to no more than 5 french fries, or onion rings, etc. - no more than one day a week and no more than a handful, eat them real slow to enjoy the moment, LOL!)
6. Cut WAY down on red meats.
7. Cut WAY down on cheeses. (There are some that are OK, like fetta cheese)
Serve vegetable as mush as you can for meals (greens mainly, don't have to do this everyday)
8. Exercise, lightly at first, she does not have to go into pain to start. Just moving. Walking, etc. As she feels better this can increase.

That's it, it looks like starvation but think about everything that does not fall in those categories. I know you say you exercise a lot so you know these things, but honestly, unless you have ever been there, you have NO IDEA what it's like. Worst thing you can do is threaten her or put her down; she will only get defensive. Oh yeah, and one more thing you might try although I don't know how to subtly do it is, see if you can nicely get her to see that if you were to leave her, that she would have to do this anyway if she ever wanted to increase her chances of having another intimate relationship so why not do it now that it makes more sense. Man, I don't know what to tell you except that her situation seems dire to her right now, she just won't tell you that. Let her know that is is not too late. You mentioned she is thirty - now is the time for her to do this for her. Oh yeah, one more ugly truth, see if it is you that she is rejecting for some reason. Something is going on with her that a good IC may be able to help her with. If you have gone to these parties and made her feel jealous for any reason - i.e, you have a female "friend", she may be hurt about that. Just asking, have you ever brought a female friend into the picture - at work, or out at party, club, whatever? Just curious. My wife did that to me, I was 5'11", 165 lbs., in great shape, after I asked her to stop going out to lunch at work with this "friend", and she did not, she lost me, my weight exploded to 235lbs. and that was for several years, It took me years to recover from what I call her EA, she denied it, but I was right. It scarred me far more than she would ever listen to my say. Well, anyway, long story short, I am almost back to my ideal weight - probably because I finally figured out what I needed for me. Wow, that was a long post, just wanted to let you and her know not to give up hope, obesity does negatively impact many marriages not to mention her overall health. Try to get her excited about doing fun stuff with you outdoors some people are bored by the gym; at least for starters.


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## marriedlonelyguy (May 24, 2011)

I never would do anything to make her feel jealous and I never would consider cheating on her. As for the weight loss thing, she knows that i know how to lose weight because i have done it my self and kept it off. I offer to go on walks or help her out on getting started at the gym and she doesn't want to. I would be the best work out partner ever because I love her and would love for her to feel better about her self. She eats bad food constantly, fast food and pizza. She knows she has a weight problem and I know that is one reason she doesn't want to go out as much. The problem is she isn't doing anything to lose weight.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but weight loss for men and weight loss for women is two different things, from what I've seen. And women sometimes have a much more emotional attachment/frustration with their weight and food. But many women (including the one that taught me what I needed to now to lose 55 pounds and keep it off for the last two years) really struggle with losing weight compared to a guy. Different physiologies, I guess...

I also found it frustrating that my stbx-wife would constantly complain about her weight, and how it made her feel. Yet her idea of something to do after supper was sit in front of the TV with a bottle of wine. Like, duh? I found that very difficult to deal with, and her unhappiness was dragging me down to her level. It affected our sex life as well, due to her self-esteem issues. 

In the end, her inability to take any action to improve herself, even with me supporting her as much as I could, was a significant factor in me deciding to leave. It wasn't her weight itself, it was her mindset and attitudes.

C


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## marriedlonelyguy (May 24, 2011)

Exactly. Don't tell me one reason you don't want to go out is because of your weight, then do absolutely nothing to change it. If there is something in my life I don't like, I fix it.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marriedlonelyguy said:


> Exactly. Don't tell me one reason you don't want to go out is because of your weight, then do absolutely nothing to change it. If there is something in my life I don't like, I fix it.


Well that is you. Do you want to be right or do you want to fix your marriage?

Depression and weight gain go hand in hand though it is unclear whether there is a causal relationship one way or the other. Depression can make it very difficult to act in even the simplest of beneficial ways. It literally is like trying to move through a very viscous liquid.

That said, she has to be willing to even look into depression treatment or whether or not that is an issue for her.

You may not see what counseling may do cause it sounds like you haven't been. But if you were to sit her down somewhere she cannot just avoid you, tell her precisely how unhappy you are and that you insist on counseling, there is a chance that she might get motivated to actually TRY. She used to like doing things. There is no reason that cannot come up again.

You also may learn ways to meet in the middle about mess. And/or you may find that she is not so much just messy as in such a depressive fog that working through it is challenging. She may not be aware that there are simple skills and habits you can use...(If you don't know about www.flylady,com then you should )

What have you got to lose with counseling? It is due diligence AFAIC. Any marriage owes counseling a try before throwing in the towel.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Mom6547 said:


> Well that is you. Do you want to be right or do you want to fix your marriage?
> 
> Depression and weight gain go hand in hand though it is unclear whether there is a causal relationship one way or the other. Depression can make it very difficult to act in even the simplest of beneficial ways. It literally is like trying to move through a very viscous liquid.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Get her into counseling as soon as possible! Still, I would go see a doctor to check her. She has some deep rooted psychological issues and it's going to take a professional to work with her to figure this out. Once she mentally frees herself from whatever it is that is keeping her glued to the chair, she can begin to work on her weight.


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## The Prodigy (May 24, 2011)

I know what your talking about when you say she complains about her weight but does nothing to get it under control. I'm built alot like you I imagine if you work out 6 days a week. I was an Army Ranger for 6 years, that is where I got my workout regiment and my pet peeve for cleanliness. This is what I did to help my wife. DISCLAIMER! This may not work for your wife, they are all different! One day, out of the blue, I started complaining about how I felt fat and how unsatisfied with my body I am. She thought I was crazy and just messing with her immediately! But I was absolutely sincere about a couple of areas that I just can not tone or am truly unhappy with. (kind of to give her a dose of the "do I look fat in this?" scenario that she had been giving me) After a couple of weeks of hearing me complain, she started volunteering to go to the gym with me to help me. Of course when we got to the gym for the first time it turned in to me helping her! Women absolutely diet and lose weight different than guys but we stuck with it and she got back down to her normal fighting weight. As for your other issues, I couldnt help ya bro, sounds to me, and dont kill me for saying this, there are too many problems to fix. You are 2 different people, she dont care about whats important to you and you dont care about getting a double stuffed crust and a desperate housewives marathon. You may be a trophy husband too, is she professionaly succesful or the bread winner.


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## marriedlonelyguy (May 24, 2011)

We both work, our incomes are about the same. I know alot of people here are going to slam me but I have little empathy for depression, and I don't think that is her primary problem. She does talk to somebody about it like once a month and if it is the root of all this I don't want to deal with it for the rest of my life. Either way I just need to figure this all out. Thanks for everybodys input.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Interesting you vetted her for 4 yrs before you married to make sure she was exactly right yet you say you did not know her. 

I think you should definately get out of this more for her sake than yours. She probably did not know who she was at 20 and was not able to make a selection of a comparable man. Now that she is older she knows herself better. You both made a mistake so end it ASAP so you can both move on. 

You sound rather certain that all of the problems accrue to your wife and that bodes poorly for your future relationships. You were old enough when you met and were together long enough to have known what she was like. No on can fool you with out you cooperation. Examine why you were fooled so badly. 

Also, you spoke a great deal about her sharing your interest but I did not get a sense that you felt that you should show at lest as much inteest in her hobbies or activities. This is probably unfair but I get the sense that you feel you are entitled to a devoted wife who cleans up after you and focases her attention on only you. I will venture to say that such a woman does not exist you will find a woman who will convince you that she will be every thing you want and never step out of place.

There is not enough love in the universe that would make even a woman give up herself and devote her life to a man. Eventually, you have to pay the piper, that girl you thought was so devoted was investing in. You just don't know what she expects as recompense until she reveals it. 

Better to look for someone with some shared interest, some independent spirit and a woman who challenges you and is not overly compliant. That may mean that you dont get exactly what you want but you know what you are getting. Expect to compromise on many issues, if you always get your way, that should send up a red flag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> You sound rather certain that all of the problems accrue to your wife and that bodes poorly for your future relationships.


The only thing worse than a failed marriage is a failed marriage in which no learning is achieved.

Doomed to repeat.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Sounds like a classic case of, "I'll act like someone you like until I got you." scenereo. Obviously, when you are dating and living seperately, you want your significant other to think you are the bomb. You know the other person has no legal ties to you and could leave whenever they want to if you dont' act right. Now, you are stuck with her and she doesn't put any effort into being that person you fell in love with. She kind of dropped the ball. 

This is a problem, but really, and I believe others on here have mentioned it already, you sound like you aren't owning up to any part of this when already I have seen a major issue of yours in trivializing her depression. I realize you are sick and tired of her excuses for not losing weight and all that, but depression is not a minor issue and it certainly won't help things if you just blow it off. Regardless of what causes this depression, it is a chemical/hormonal issue that sometimes needs to be treated by medication. I know, because I suffer from it. It is also something that could be passed down from a parent or relative, and not her fault. If you are truly unsympathetic and just put-off by it, perhaps she would be better off with someone more understanding. Plus, the depression could be made worse by your lack of understanding and support. 

This sounds to me like she might have been a person who looked up to you, tried to fit into your life and lifestyle, and eventually got exhausted by the effort to live up to your standards and expectations and just slowly started letting it go. So instead of finding someone to fit her, she tried to fit you and has thus failed. Unfortunately, when you love someone you think you can do this and end up finding out, years later (or just end up accepting) that you can't. 

Don't know what my words will help, but that's my take whatever it is worth.


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