# The Days Drag



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I've been sitting here infront of my computer thinking to myself, I want to vent but I dont know what to vent about. I'm so torn about what to do with my husband, with life. Part of me says just let him go, just give him the divorce. But the other part can't let go, I've been with him for over 7 years, I can't let go. 
10 months ago I committed several EAs, most of you know my story. I've been lying to my husband up until two weeks ago. Not telling him things, I just didnt want to hurt him further. I thought that if I held everything we would be ok. I'm messed up I know.. We could work through everything together. The truth is out now, but only after he found everything out himself. I'm not lying anymore, I'm done. I dont want to hurt him anymore. Yesterday we had a fight. We argued over everything.. He doesnt trust me, believe anything I say, can't look me in the eyes becuase I've lied to him so much. 

I know I've changed, I know I want to be with him. I told him that 10 months is a long time, but its nothing compared to the rest of our lives. Working together to rebuild our relationship. I would spend every waking moment trying to fix things, help make him happy. But I know it can only work if he wants it. I dont want to let go, but at the sametime why would he want to be with me. He deserves better. Its no life to live with someone you cant trust.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> I know I've changed, I know I want to be with him.


Well, I wish I knew what to say. You know it now, but you have to realize that your words are just words to him now. He believed you again and again. Again and again, he found out otherwise. I'm thinking about what would work if my stbxw suddenly changed her mind and truly could say what you said here.

I honestly don't know. I love her, and part of me would want to run back to her. However, building trust back from this point would be extremely difficult. Time and consistency.

I'd say give him his space. Give both of you the freedom to make your own choices. Maybe at some point, he will want to try again. But you have to accept the fact that it may very well be too late. I'm sorry for the two of you. I certainly know the pain he has been through. I also wish my wayward wife even halfheartedly said the things you have said. So, about all I can do is to wish both of you the best.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry you find yourself in this position.

Whether you divorce or not, get into some therapy to help you deal with this. Have you figured out why you did what you did? Are you remorseful? Have you owned what you did and apologized to him? And said why you're sorry? Empathized? Ultimately, it's going to be up to him whether he wants to be with you or not after discovering. I will be honest wtih you and I think the worst way someone can find out their partner has been unfaithful is... on their own. It is worse when the betrayed discovers it on their own.

The last line you wrote is so true- "It's no life to live with someone you can't trust."

It takes so long to build up trust and only a second to lose it. 

Wishing you luck no matter how this shakes out.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Wings, I've followed along with your H's posts. Then yours. A poster said there, you may not be able to do anything. And its true - you've inflicted a lot of damage.

What your H decides to do is out of your hands, and from what I've been reading, I think I know what he intends to do. This sucks for you, but this might be the cold water thrown in your face to wake you up

I highly suggest going to individual counseling to work on yourself. Your ability to lie to those you claim to love will destroy any relationship you have in the future - either family or any possible marriage, regardless if you stay with your H, or get divorced. Hopefully, with professional help, you can right your ship, and someday be able to live a peaceful, honest life in a fulfilling relationship. However, you have a sh*tload of work to do to get there. Are you up to it?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I've always believed that the lying is even worse than the cheating. 

It's the deception involved that makes cheating so bad & so hard to trust again.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

@Hurting I'm giving him space and last night I told him I wouldnt text him unless he wanted to talk to me. He may be loosing his job because of what I've put him through.. I feel even more horrible. I hate myself for everything. 

@Jellybeans I have appologized over and over again to him. I've owned to everything. I know he's hurting and I wish I could take the pain away. I've told him so. He's so angery with me. Whatever I say he says he's heard it all before. I know that my promises are not empty ones. But he cant see that, because of what I've done. He says if I was sorry I wouldnt have done it...
I know the decision is up to him. It just sucks really bad.

@Whip I know I have a long hard road ahead of me no matter the out come. I am up for it. I regret that it took me so long to see what the hell I was doing. I still dont know why I did the things I did. 

Even if he stays I have it in the back of my mind all the time. I dont want to slip up, go back to my old patterns. I'm here for him no matter what. I cant believe how stupid I've been..

Thanks for the best wishes!


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

@RWB I know I had the chance. I've had mulitple. I know I've messed up, I've messed up horribly.. 

@Jelly lying is worse. I've seen that now.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Wings, RWB summed up your situation in three sentences as well as a 10,20, or 30+ page thread ever could. 

I think you're making a beneficial move for him by backing off communication for now. You seem to completely understand that whatever you say to him, he won't believe an ounce of it. 

For a cheating spouse, I do think you've woken up to the damage you've caused. Of course, since you've lied to your husband you can lie to an internet full of strangers. However, I do believe you "get it" now. Have you begun any research into independent counselors or therapists that you could work with?

I don't know a direction to point you to, but perhaps Google search something in your area?


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I know.. I'm going to the marriage counselor alone. I know I need to see someone. I dont have the money to pay for a counselor. My side of the insurance ends next month.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Maybe a pastor.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Maybe a pastor.


I actually didnt think of that. Thanks!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I've always believed that the lying is even worse than the cheating.
> 
> It's the deception involved that makes cheating so bad & so hard to trust again.


:iagree:


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

Whip Morgan said:


> \For a cheating spouse, I do think you've woken up to the damage you've caused. Of course, since you've lied to your husband you can lie to an internet full of strangers. \
> \QUOTE]
> 
> I know to some its hard to believe, but I'm done with lying. Like Jellybeans said "I've always believed that the lying is even worse than the cheating.
> ...


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## HurtinOhio (Aug 25, 2011)

If you want to be with him why cheat?? I maybe new here but I have read a few post about how the cheater,both male and female, wants to be with H/W. But they still go and hurt their mate.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I don't know why I did it. I want to do IC to get to the bottom of it. My husband has always been my number one. At times I didnt show it, and I broke down and did what i did. I dont want to hurt him ever again. I love him.


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## HurtinOhio (Aug 25, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> I don't know why I did it. I want to do IC to get to the bottom of it. My husband has always been my number one. At times I didnt show it, and I broke down and did what i did. I dont want to hurt him ever again. I love him.


But you did. I am just at the beginning of this and my wife may feel the same way but it is killing me inside.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Wings, saying "I don't know why" is common among Disloyal Spouses. I'm assuming it was a combination of you:

Feeling a thrill from the secrecy
Enjoying the attention from other men
Simple desire to cheat on your husband
Refusal to respect commitments and boundaries of marriage

Bottom line, you were selfish and didn't care who or what you damaged to do whatever you wanted to do (cheat). 

As I said earlier, I think your fog has lifted (its been several weeks since you were caught, if I'm not mistaken). Hopefully that has given you time to realize, in addition to your destructive behavior, what kind of pieces of sh*t Other Men you were cheating with. Men who would lie to your H's face and betray him, men who chase married women, etc.

Understanding and identifying those types of men will help you avoid them in the future, either single or married. I consider it part of working on yourself. The money issue, that is tough. Next MC, ask the counselor if she has any books she can recommend. Of course, be honest with her about the financial issues of not being able to continue counseling. 

I've read your H's stuff, I sent him best wishes for his personal recovery. From his posts, I think that means he divorces you. But things can change. I personally hope that you, Wings, can work on yourself and find some peace. I think you're in the beginning stages of a long, painful journey. It isn't easy looking in the mirror and seeing flaws - this board (not Infidelity) has helped me be a better person. Keep posting!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> I still dont know why I did the things I did.


This is no good. Until you answer this, Wings, you cannot move forward ...in any direction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Jelly, I have to disagree here. She knows why she did it, but doesn't want to face it yet. Thats a huge obstacle to personal recovery. But I think she'll get there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I didn't say she doesn't know why. I said she needs to answer that for herself...if she can't answer for herself the WHY...she will never move forward...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I didn't say she doesn't know why. I said she needs to answer that for herself...if she can't answer for herself the WHY...she will never move forward...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And the chances that her husband will choose to stay married to her, are slim to none.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I know its not a good answer. But I really dont understand why. I want to know why. I know that my husband and I werent there emotionally for each other for a while. I'm not blaming him, I know I did it, I take full responsability. 

@morituri I know he doesnt want to stay. Who would? I've shattered his soul.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> I know its not a good answer. But I really dont understand why. I want to know why.


You need to figure that out.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Wings, some IC may be very beneficial in helping you to understand the way. I agree with so many on here that deep down you DO know why and are blocking it because you don't want to face the cold reality of it. 

As far as your H, I have followed his threads as well and you would have your work cut out for you in any attempt to salvage the marriage. But the best advice to give is the advice I give so many people.... it is the basis for so many problems in a marriage, *communication*. 

Ask HIM straight out, what would he consider to be _actions_ that would help in starting to rebuild trust in *a* relationship that has collapsed? Be sure to tell him that you fully realize that he wont believe anything you say or likely do but that you are curious none the less. 

I'm guessing at this point you are not only realizing that you do not know how the even start to work on this damage, but you also have never really communicated well with him and have no idea what HIS real points view are on almost anything. Until you have really communicated with someone, and really understand them, you can't even begin to demonstrate any actions that they will be able to accept and acknowledge. 

Once people finally start to realize this, they usually just move on rather than take on the responsibility of doing *all* this work. Thing is, if there had been _effective_ communication through the marriage, you would already know these answers and it would not have been a burden at all because, #1 you would *know* these answers already, and #2... this situation would have *never* occurred as a result.

Q~


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