# please help



## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

My husband and I are in our late 50's. He had a radical prostatectomy as a treatment for prostate cancer. Before his prostate removal we had a great sex life. He has complete ED since his prostate surgery. So far none of the treatments have worked. My problem is that my husband has cut off all intimacy since his surgery. No hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. I went from feeling that I had a great marriage to feeling lonely and alone in my marriage. I have told my husband how I feel but it has not made a difference. I asked him if he lost his desire for me and he said no. But I know that something is very wrong because we are living like roomates. I am so unhappy and don't know what to do.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

amanda23 said:


> My husband and I are in our late 50's. He had a radical prostatectomy as a treatment for prostate cancer. Before his prostate removal we had a great sex life. He has complete ED since his prostate surgery. So far none of the treatments have worked. My problem is that my husband has cut off all intimacy since his surgery. No hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. I went from feeling that I had a great marriage to feeling lonely and alone in my marriage. I have told my husband how I feel but it has not made a difference. I asked him if he lost his desire for me and he said no. But I know that something is very wrong because we are living like roomates. I am so unhappy and don't know what to do.


Assuming he's willing, there's always a pump. Get it installed, when you're in the mood <squeeze, squeeze, squeeze> and you're good to go.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Check out "Tantric sex for men, making love a meditation" by Michael and Diana Richardson. Tantric sex has a whole portion that involves soft penetration. For a man with ED, this takes the stress away from not being able to get an erection. 

I know this may seem a bit "out there" for some people, but there is a whole bunch of great information in this book. It is written mainly by Michael with lots of personal experiences written by men and women.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

That is a good suggestion lovemylife. I will get the book. The problem now is that he will not touch me - he has cut off all intimacy so there is no way to try out tantric sex. While I would really like to have sex again at some time, for now I am just trying to get him to be affectionate. I would never pressure him to do something that he could not do. He acts like he has lost his libido, although he claims that is not the case.

It is too soon after surgery for him to get a pump installed. He recently had the surgery done. His nerves may heal over time. It can take up to 2 years for nerves to heal. He did have some nerves removed so we don't know what the result will be.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Obviously your husband is in lots of pain, physically and emotionally. Erection Disorder is very serious matter for many men, especially for those who had great sex life before experiencing it. That is why many men are very reluctant to have any sex organ-related surgery. There is a saying, that the side effects "making life still possible but not worth living". Expect his behavior and personality to change after this surgery. We could only hope and pray that this change is temporary and not permanent.

To get back to normal life will certainly require further assistance from medical experts, to speed up the healing process and deal with negative side effects.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Amanda, I think having ED really works on a mans ego for whatever reason. Add to that life threatening ailments make people take a copmlete inventory on life, what they've acomplished, where they've been, where they're going.

You really need to get down to what he's thinking and not how he's acting (stating the obvious maybe).


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

My husband is not in physical pain but he must be in emotional pain. When I write that the nerves need to heal I mean that the nerves that cause erection must wake up from the surgery which puts them to sleep. I don't know what my husband is thinking because he will not talk about it. He pretends that nothing is wrong and acts like my roommate. 

He is under medical treatment for ED, as i wrote but so far nothing is working. 

I am the one that is going crazy inside. He has changed since the surgery. I feel like when the surgeon took out his prostate he killed the sexual fire inside my husband and I don't know if any ED specialist or counselor can bring it back. 

Thank you for your responses.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I imagine this 'loss' in his life must be HUGE for him. 
I can imagine it's even quite depressing.

I really feel for you both... was he offered any counselling or support? This must be an issue for many couples.

Are YOU able to give HIM affection? Even just a hug or hand hold? Are you still doing 'normal' couple activities...like going shopping together or going for a walk or going on a date? 
Maybe offer him a regular massage...keeping your clothes on so he knows you just want to offer him... a nice massage. 

I would do anything I could to not allow too much time to go in between some kind of contact... don't allow it to become habitual I mean. Even small gestures can be a connection... eye contact and a smile, a hand on his back as pass him or hold hands while watching TV.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

Thank you for your suggestions waiwera. They are actually great ideas. We still do things together. I guess I wait for him to be affectionate but I will try to initiate contact. 

I'm sure this is an issue for many couples who have gone through prostate surgery. It is not talked about that much. That is why I posted this on a marriage board rather than a prostate cancer message board.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

amanda23 said:


> Thank you for your suggestions waiwera. They are actually great ideas. We still do things together. I guess I wait for him to be affectionate but I will try to initiate contact.
> 
> I'm sure this is an issue for many couples who have gone through prostate surgery. It is not talked about that much. That is why I posted this on a marriage board rather than a prostate cancer message board.


Amanda23 is there hope that the healing nerves will allow for erections in the future...what is his doc saying?

I've always/usually been a woman to wait for my man to approach me physically but maybe now is a time in your marriage where you need to carry that load. Maybe he wants you to put your arms around HIM and be his rock.

My gut feeling is that your husband is wondering about his value as man and as your lover. 

He does need to be reminded that your a living breathing woman who misses her husband terribly and wants to feel love and affection. Your entitled to have YOUR needs met too.... remember that. At this time would you settle for hugs and cuddles?

On a side note... My Dad has been having hormonal treatment (injections) for Prostate cancer for a few years now. All his worries and concerns have all been about his manhood and his manliness being effected by the lack of testesterone and he's nearly 78 years old!


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

Yes waiwera, there is hope that his healing nerves will allow for erections in the future. We are only a few months out from surgery and it takes up to 2 years to know if erections will come back. It takes the nerves a long time to heal. 

I would settle for hugs and cuddles. The reason I am so upset is because he does not even do that. I would never expect something from him that he was incapable of providing, but he does not need an erection to be affectionate. 

I think that my husband has lost confidence because his ED treatments have not been successful so far. The fact that they have not been successful does not mean that his erections won't come back in the future though.

My best wishes for successful treatment for your dad. Thanks for your input.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Waiwera has some really nice advice. I am sure your H is going through a lot emotionally. This is a great opportunity for you to show him that you support him through all the bad as well as the good times. 

Showing gratitude for the little things every day can go a long way. If he fixes something, or does something to help you out, let him know how much you appreciate him for that. When you go somewhere together, take his hand and walk together. Touches and looks can go a long way toward reconnecting. 

Remind him that you are his partner and his friend and that you are there to help out and support him and share in the experiences. Let him know that you understand the pressure he feels and that you will do all you can to not pressure him more. This will mean that you both will need to communicate your feelings and not judge for having those feelings. 

Counseling may be helpful. 

This is going to be a long journey for you both and it can become an opportunity to grow even closer and better together.


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