# Husband texting a female coworker and called her "girl"



## naturale (Jan 15, 2015)

I found out my husband has been texting a female co-worker back and forth quite often. He text her very early in the morning to check on her if she’s awake. I found out quite by accident. I confronted my husband with this and he said that it was nothing. We ended up had a huge fight, he said he won’t text her anymore, but after a while he started texting her again. Later he called her “girl”, and then he deleted the message, he didn’t want me to know it. Every time he text her, he always deleted the message.

Is it appropriate for my husband to text and called her “girl”?

I'm very upset. Please help!


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I think it is not appropiate to be texting a coworker early in the morning to check if she is awake unless it was to disturb her about something he forgot or wanted to ask regarding work... once, twice.

But, keep texting her and deleting... not appropiate at all.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If your H texting this woman outside of work makes you uneasy then it is inappropriate.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The "girl" isn't inflammatory but the daily texts early in the morning are indicative of a close friendship. Or more.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> The "girl" isn't inflammatory but the daily texts early in the morning are indicative of a close friendship. Or more.


As is his breaking of a promise to stop texting her...

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ah, yes. That, too.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

It is not appropriate to text a co-worker and calls her "his girl". Have a calm talk with him and do not be hysterical. Tell him that he is exposing himself to sexual harassment in his workplace. He can lose his job over his actions, especially if this woman gets tired of him and reports him to management. This may stop his behavior.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

No it's not appropriate. Not just to text here but also having relationships with opposite sex member WHILE in a marriage.

It's disrespectful and inappropriate.

Be calm and keep it cool. Sit him down and explain how you feel about this and how his actions make you feel. Also, ask him to put himself in your shoes. How would he feel if YOU were texting co workers and having relationships with them on the side.

This should also be added to your BOUNDARY list (if you have one, if not, create it).

He is engaging into situations that will put him (if not already put him) on a slippery slope towards the bottom (which usually ends with cheating).

IF You manage to keep it cool while you talk to him, watch his reactions/body language and anger levels as you ask questions/talk. This will tell you quite a lot about where he is at.

If you sense defensiveness/anger...changes are high he is already much deeper into this when you think.

Also, I would ask him to stop this relationship immediately and also start looking for a new job.

I would also ask him to hand over the phone and provide you with passwords to his accounts. Key here is to get the phone RIGHT AWAY. Again, watch his reaction/body language/emotion closely. If he rejects or doesn't hand it over to you right there and then.....chances are high he is hiding something.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

You intuition is correct, there is something going on. He would not delete the message if he had nothing to hide. You will get denial, he will get defensive, it will be spun around to you. Be prepared. I would go into detective mode and get proof. I am sorry this is happening to you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

naturale said:


> I found out my husband has been texting a female co-worker back and forth quite often. He text her very early in the morning to check on her if she’s awake. I found out quite by accident. I confronted my husband with this and he said that it was nothing. We ended up had a huge fight, he said he won’t text her anymore, but after a while he started texting her again. Later he called her “girl”, and then he deleted the message, he didn’t want me to know it. Every time he text her, he always deleted the message.
> 
> Is it appropriate for my husband to text and called her “girl”?
> 
> I’m confused, and very upset. Please help!


You are not confused. Upset? Yes. There is no confusion because your H should not be texting female coworkers in the morning see if she is up. That is what alarm clocks are for. 

Your H is obviously not forthcoming in his dealings with the coworker. In short, there is something going on that is inappropriate. Snoop some more. Get hard evidence.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Before setting boundaries and all that, you better find out _why_ he is doing this or all your rules won't mean a damn thing.


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## naturale (Jan 15, 2015)

Thanks to you all so much! After we had a huge fight, he hasn’t talked to me since. Regardless of his ego, he’s avoiding and ignoring me. He doesn’t talk to me. I know it takes two people to fix it, but he doesn’t do that. He thinks that there’s nothing happen. I’ve been hurting so much when he does that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have this woman's phone number?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

A man does not txt a woman or anyone else just because they are co-workers. Unless it is for work reason but this cannot happen every early morning. Something bad is going on and you H knows this is inappropriate. He has to stop it. Ask why he is doing this. Contact that woman and ask her to stop.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I, too would get the number and figure out who she is and her relation within the company...also phone records. 

Any other change in behavior (coming home late?) Do you have access to joint accounts? Can you see if there's a. $ trail to them spending time together out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have access to his phone bills? If you do, see how often they are talking and texting.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

DoF said:


> No it's not appropriate. Not just to text here but also having relationships with opposite sex member WHILE in a marriage.
> 
> It's disrespectful and inappropriate.
> 
> ...


If a woman that I was married to came at me like this, and I know that I wasn't having an affair, I'd probably eventually divorce her. This is awful advice for some people. Lots of men would not tolerate basically being considered guilty until proven innocent, and strung up like so.

OP talk to your husband about this. Do it calmly and sensibly. He maybe deleting the texts because you acted like a stereotypical, jealous, emotional female when the subject came up and he acted like a stereotypical, weak willed, cowardly man when he hid the texts from you instead of being honest. You're both wrong.

Have these boundaries been discussed before? Contrary to what you're reading in this thread not everybody would find this to be a big deal.

Be calm, but firm about your discomfort. There is nothing wrong with your boundaries, you just have to make sure your husband understands them and ultimately agrees to respect them. If not sadly you might have to start looking into your exit strategy. 

He could be having an affair or she could be just a harmless friend. None of us know. If you have a gut feeling something more is happening, do the whole VAR/snooping thing. You can find tips on that road all over the Coping With Infidelity section.


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## naturale (Jan 15, 2015)

jaquen said:


> If a woman that I was married to came at me like this, and I know that I wasn't having an affair, I'd probably eventually divorce her. This is awful advice for some people. Lots of men would not tolerate basically being considered guilty until proven innocent, and strung up like so.
> 
> OP talk to your husband about this. Do it calmly and sensibly. He maybe deleting the texts because you acted like a stereotypical, jealous, emotional female when the subject came up and he acted like a stereotypical, weak willed, cowardly man when he hid the texts from you instead of being honest. You're both wrong.
> 
> ...


I tried to talk to him, but he doesn't seem interested talking to me. He would rather go find something to do and tells me that he don't have time for me. He makes me very upset that he think there's nothing happen.

I asked him to go see a marriage counseling, but he refused. I'm an anti-divorce person, so I don't know what to do and I'm feeling trap.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

naturale said:


> I tried to talk to him, but he doesn't seem interested talking to me. He would rather go find something to do and tells me that he don't have time for me. He makes me very upset that he think there's nothing happen.
> 
> I asked him to go see a marriage counseling, but he refused. I'm an anti-divorce person, so I don't know what to do and I'm feeling trapped.


OP:

Perhaps it is best for the both of you to take a break from each other... away from each other.

Do not contact him.

Do not reply if he contacts you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

There is no reason a person has to text a coworker and ask if they are awake. None.

If there was a true work question, they would simply have stated the question. He's avoiding you because he thinks if he makes you think you're being ridiculous he'll be off the hook for his bad behavior. 

Do not beg him to talk. Ignore him 'til the cows come home.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Pretty much agree with others that calling someone girl, I do it all the time, isn't a big deal but texting all the time and just to see if she is awake seems too much.

Might get rough enforcing this boundary. What are you going to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> There is no reason a person has to text a coworker and ask if they are awake. None.
> 
> If there was a true work question, they would simply have stated the question. He's avoiding you because he thinks if he makes you think you're being ridiculous he'll be off the hook for his bad behavior.
> 
> Do not beg him to talk. Ignore him 'til the cows come home.


I do it all the time. When you work the nightshift its a common question.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

richie33 said:


> I do it all the time. When you work the nightshift its a common question.


He doesn't work nights. Plus, a woman coworker doesn't need to be his responsibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naturale (Jan 15, 2015)

He’s finally come talked to me and he had promised me that he won’t do anything foolish anymore. But I'm skeptical.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> He doesn't work nights. Plus, a woman coworker doesn't need to be his responsibility.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Blondielocks stated there is no reason coworkers should text another to see if they are awake..none according to her. Thats not true.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Blondielocks stated there is no reason coworkers should text another to see if they are awake..none according to her. Thats not true.


Alright for you. Many of us have boundaries with opposite sex coworkers though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

naturale said:


> He’s finally come talked to me and he had promised me that he won’t do anything stupid anymore. He said if whenever he breaks his promise, he’ll pay for his own consequences. And I forgave him.
> 
> So, what do you suggest, should I still believe what he said?


How is he going to pay? Cash or credit?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

naturale said:


> I'm an anti-divorce person, so I don't know what to do and I'm feeling trap.


Is your husband likewise an "anti-divorce person"?


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## naturale (Jan 15, 2015)

jaquen said:


> Is your husband likewise an "anti-divorce person"?


No, he's not... He doesn't care abt anything in a relationship..


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

naturale said:


> No, he's not... He doesn't care about anything in a relationship..


Then why are you married to him if he does not care about anything in a relationship?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

x992i said:


> :redcard:
> Why do so many people have to resort to this question? With so many aspects that go into a relationship, this question just voids all of them out. I have been asked this so many times. I just wish people would stop asking this sort of question. It's too simplistic. That's just my opinion.


Here's an idea for you. Sit down with a pen and a piece of paper or at a word processor and write why you're staying married. You can make a pro/con list or just free flow wright all the reasons divorce is off the table for you, what you like/dislike about your spouse, etc.

You see, the above idea and the question you quoted are intended to get you to actually apply rational thought processes to your situation rather than relying on emotion and prejudices. Frankly, if divorce is off the table no matter how badly your spouse treats you or your kids you're not thinking.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

x992i, Staying with someone who treats you like garbage and not wanting to say "it's because she financially supports me" must be hard. People ask this question because you are complaining.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

naturale said:


> He’s finally come talked to me and he had promised me that he won’t do anything foolish anymore. But I'm skeptical.


As you should be. He's lying to you. Look it's completely inappropriate to be texting someone like that while married, asking them about their day and if they're up and getting emotionally involved with someone (who knows if it's physical too). You called him out on it, and he continued talking to her, while LYING about it. That's cheating, plain and simple.

Now coming clean and saying he's just not going to do it anymore isn't going to solve your problem. He's been unfaithful to you and betrayed your trust and shown very inappropriate boundaries.

You can rattle off about being anti-divorce all you want but if he's not being faithful to your vows then he's made the decision, not you. Staying in the relationship is an acceptance of unequal terms. Being unwilling to discuss it or set appropriate boundaries is a pretty bad sign. And even more so, the fact that he seems very unaware of why this would cause you harm. I'm sure if the tables were reversed he would not be OK with you speaking to another man like this.


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## naturale (Jan 15, 2015)

spunkycat08 said:


> Then why are you married to him if he does not care about anything in a relationship?


Before he was kind, loving, and caring person and he had manners. He loved me very much, that's why we got married. When he gets older he seems changed. He's not like before he used to be.

On the other hand, what I like about him is that he cleans the house without complaining, does his own laundry, cook sometimes, and he supports his family financially. But, there’s ONE THING I NEVER LIKE ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE DOESN'T THINK BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING THAT MIGHT CAN HURTS ME LATER. To be honest, he’s not knowledgeable person. And he needs people to be sincerely taught and tell him what to do and what not to do and he actually can learn it from there. One time I found out he had been watching pornography and the next day I explained to him nicely and politely about what he had been watching…. After that he completely stopped watching it.

Thinking about divorce is the most complicated thing to do in this world. 

So, what should you want me to do?

that's why I'm here to ask advice. :|


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## naturale (Jan 15, 2015)

Nucking Futs said:


> Here's an idea for you. Sit down with a pen and a piece of paper or at a word processor and write why you're staying married. You can make a pro/con list or just free flow wright all the reasons divorce is off the table for you, what you like/dislike about your spouse, etc.
> 
> You see, the above idea and the question you quoted are intended to get you to actually apply rational thought processes to your situation rather than relying on emotion and prejudices. Frankly, if divorce is off the table no matter how badly your spouse treats you or your kids you're not thinking.


I already told him if whenever he'll do it again and give me no choice..... He knows exactly what I'll be capable of doing..


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

The "girl" may not be aware he's married. Watch his actions, his words dont follow his actions very well. That he's spending any energy and attention on her is not good in any interpretation.

He'll need to see consequences. If it's an iPhone, you can retrieve deleted texts, photos, emails and such.

Also, go to settings and turn spotlight search on for everything. Then do searches on phrases like girl, fun, good morning, luv, love, tonight, sex, lunch... Even if it's deleted, the first line or first few words should appear in the search.

So, don't go crazy on him. Start collecting info, save it off somewhere safe. Be 007 for a while. Verify phone records. You can get detailed phone records online.

If you both have iPhones,,turn on find my iPhone. Keep in Mind if the iPhone is in a building, it might show him in a different location as accuracy is not so great in places like that. Interference and no line of sight on satellites.


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## raymond1632 (Jan 24, 2015)

Two things:

1) If the texts are to a female co-worker and they aren't about work, then it's inappropriate.

2) No one, other than close friends of the same sex, should be contacting your husband early in the morning or late at night. If my wife receives texts from people early or late, I ask her right away "who is texting you at this hour and why?"


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## naturale (Jan 15, 2015)

Q tip said:


> The "girl" may not be aware he's married. Watch his actions, his words dont follow his actions very well. That he's spending any energy and attention on her is not good in any interpretation.
> 
> He'll need to see consequences. If it's an iPhone, you can retrieve deleted texts, photos, emails and such.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the info…

We’re both having androids. Do you have any ideas how to retrieve anything that has already deleted on android phone?
I read his messages when he haven’t had deleted it yet. And I pretended I didn’t see or know anything. After a while, he deleted all of her text messages, so I knew he’s been up to something. I also went online to check the phone records, but it was showing her numbers only. I was devastated.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

naturale said:


> Thanks for the info…
> 
> We’re both having androids. Do you have any ideas how to retrieve anything that has already deleted on android phone?
> I read his messages when he haven’t had deleted it yet. And I pretended I didn’t see or know anything. After a while, he deleted all of her text messages, so I knew he’s been up to something. I also went online to check the phone records, but it was showing her numbers only. I was devastated.


You have to find out what he is saying in his car.
Get a good voice activated recorder, get lithium batteries for it and get heavy velcro and attach it under his seat.
Gus and others can help you better regarding apps for the phones.


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## naturale (Jan 15, 2015)

COguy said:


> As you should be. He's lying to you. Look it's completely inappropriate to be texting someone like that while married, asking them about their day and if they're up and getting emotionally involved with someone (who knows if it's physical too). You called him out on it, and he continued talking to her, while LYING about it. That's cheating, plain and simple.
> 
> Now coming clean and saying he's just not going to do it anymore isn't going to solve your problem. He's been unfaithful to you and betrayed your trust and shown very inappropriate boundaries.
> 
> You can rattle off about being anti-divorce all you want but if he's not being faithful to your vows then he's made the decision, not you. Staying in the relationship is an acceptance of unequal terms. Being unwilling to discuss it or set appropriate boundaries is a pretty bad sign. And even more so, the fact that he seems very unaware of why this would cause you harm. I'm sure if the tables were reversed he would not be OK with you speaking to another man like this.


According to this text message situation, during that time whenever he text her, he acted quite happy, talkative and energetic toward me when we at home. Before he hasn't text her, he’s opposite from that and that’s how he is. After I knew it, I told him to stop texting her, so he stopped texting her for a while, and then he was back to his own self. After a while, he started texting her again and he acted normal like the way he is. Is this how the cheaters are?

*sigh*

So, what do you think? 

Should I still give him another chance to see if he’s really going to change?

If not, then I’ll do what I have to do.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

naturale said:


> According to this text message situation, during that time whenever he text her, he acted quite happy, talkative and energetic toward me when we at home. Before he hasn't text her, he’s opposite from that and that’s how he is. After I knew it, I told him to stop texting her, so he stopped texting her for a while, and then he was back to his own self. After a while, he started texting her again and he acted normal like the way he is. Is this how the cheaters are?
> 
> *sigh*
> 
> ...


Literally take a break from him, and move out.

If you can stay with someone, do that.

You need time away from him to think about what you want to do.

Do not contact him.

If he contacts you, do not reply.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

x992i said:


> :redcard:
> *Why do so many people have to resort to this question? *With so many aspects that go into a relationship, this question just voids all of them out.* I have been asked this so many times. I just wish people would stop asking this sort of question. *It's too simplistic. That's just my opinion.


Because this question is an eye-opener. 

And the fact that it makes you uncomfortable/annoyed/upset says it all.

It's not the question that is the problem.


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