# Innuendo and Frustration



## lillivewire (Mar 18, 2015)

Hi...new here. Stumbled across this forum looking to see if others have dealt with my situation before...

My husband and I are "newlyweds" of 8 months but have been together for 10 years. My husband, though I love him dearly, is really starting to frustrate me...

Me: What sounds good for dinner?
Him: You

Me: What would you like to do tonight
Him: You

Me: How was your day?
Him: Hard *wiggles eyebrows*

Cute right?
Maybe the first couple of times...or even every once in awhile but not every day. And it is starting to make me feel inadequate. I have tried mentioning to hiM that the constant innuendos bug me, but if I mention it he guilt trips.me or turns it into "what you don't find me sexy ally attractive/want to have set with me?"or "can't you ever act excited/that you want me?" 

And if I try to turn him down (he wants to have sex every night...I do not) he lays on the guilt and prodding to have sex even thicker.

We have sex or some form of it at least 2 times a week...so it's not like he isn't getting any. We have had sex multiple days in a row and he still says we don't have it often enough. I have a condition that makes sex somewhat uncomfortable (which he is aware of). It also affects my libido...but I do make the effort as I enjoy the satisfaction and want us both to feel fulfilled. 

We have both struggled with weight issues in the past...and I am sure part of all this comes from him not feeling attractive and having his own self esteem issues. I try to tell him he looks attractive or handsome, and I don't mind PDA/cuddling on a more frequent basis (something which he always trys to take further and then pouts or get a angry if I ask him to stop and just cuddle) it never stops at a simple no either..."well if you don't want sex can I have a blow job? What about a hand job?" Again every once in awhile...but this happens at least 4 days a week....on top of the nights we already have sex

I do not know how to fix this or tell him that his constant badgering for sex/turning everything into an innuendo is really getting to me. I have tried being gentle, but even that causes fights so I am afraid that telling him flat out to knock it off is going to make it even worse. I want us both to feel fulfilled and happy but right now I know I am for sure not...and if I'm jot that meano he probably isn't either. 

Thoughts? Suggestions? Similar situations?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

How old are you guys?


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## lillivewire (Mar 18, 2015)

We are both 28


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lillivewire said:


> We are both 28


So leaving everything else aside for the moment, there is the horniness factor at that age, coupled with the immaturity factor as well.

Again, leaving the sex part of things out of it for the moment, do you feel as if you have any resentments about other things? Do you feel appreciated? Do you feel respected?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Uhh,, he only took up the innuendo, brow wigglin' and pressuring you for sex since you got married?

I'd be hard to believe he didn't also do it during your 10 years of 'dating'.

Begs the question(s),, why is it only irritating now and, if it was irritating before, why did you marry him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lillivewire (Mar 18, 2015)

I married him because I love him, and because I can't picture my life without him in it. Questioning that isn't exactly constructive advice.

It has gotten progressively worse over the last year or so...we have had some stressful times...he thought he might lose his job due to cut backs...lots of stress at work for both of us. Financial strain of actually having a wedding...I get that. And it isn't just starting now...but it is much more frequent than it used to be.

I was also just diagnosed with my condition about 2 years ago...it can happen in women anywhere from puberty to menopause...it is genetic and doesn't always have symptoms right at first, but once the onset of those symptoms happens they are there. I am on 24/7/365 birth control now to control my symptoms which also affects my libido...I have tried multiple different kinds, and the one I am on now affects me the least as far as side effects go.

For the most part...everyone has squabbles about things especially when times are stressful...we get along great, and we really do love each other. He supports me...will cook dinner for me if I am going to be home late. We do things together, we are active, we enjoy the same music and the same foods. We also spend time with just ourselves. I cook, he cleans the dishes. He washes the laundry, I fold it....but these days it seems like we can't have a single conversation without him inserting something into it.

As pointed out earlier maybe it is an immaturity issue that I am starting to grow out of and that he hasn't...but it has become more frequent.

I am simply looking for suggestions of ways I can talk to him about this...or maybe someone has gone through a similar situation and has suggestions for me on how to handle my feelings on the subject...


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

You've tried talking to him but his needs are more important to him than yours.

Not a guy bugging you once a week for sex he's not getting,, but bugging you on a near daily basis when he gets plenty/adequate.

He's inconsiderate and selfish. 

You could be sterner. He'll just get madder.

Suggest counseling and he'll say it's not HIM that needs it.

Stress and a sick wife doesn't turn somebody into an inconsiderate sex pest.

If you don't have a 'threat' - like leaving - that you're prepared to follow through with (cuz you love him) he'll just keep on doing what he's doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book His Needs Her Needs. Start reading it at night, in bed, and when you get to parts that are important, read them out loud to him. Or ask him to read it too, if he's a reader. He needs to start understanding the concept of Emotional Needs and Love Busters. You want to meet his EN for sex, but the way he's approaching it is a LB to you. He needs to understand this. 

Once you get him to understand the concept that each of you should meet each other's ENs and NOT create LBs, THEN you can tell him something like:
I wanted you to understand that stuff because I need to tell you that the way you're approaching me for sex is becoming a big Love Buster for me. It's making me unhappy. And I need you to understand that for women to want to have sex, we have to feel good emotionally FIRST, or we just stop wanting to have sex. The way you're acting is having a couple bad effects. It makes me feel like you're acting like a horny 13 year old boy and that's not attractive. And it makes me feel like you just want me around so someone will meet your sexual needs. And I'm more than that. I deserve more than that. I want you to understand that about me, so that we can find a way so that we both are happy in this relationship. Because if you don't stop doing things this way, you're going to end up getting NO sex.

Tell him that and then go away. Leave him alone to think about it. Then, the next time he reverts back to doing that stuff, you just have to say "Husband, I told you that this is not helping, and that I need you to stop doing it" and then walk away. Again, you're showing him your boundary (stop acting like a horny teenager) and your consequence (no sex, no you).


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Be careful what you wish for tho. It sucks to be married to a guy who never acts like he wants you. And if he does want sex once a week it's like he is doing you a favor.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> Get the book His Needs Her Needs. Start reading it at night, in bed, and when you get to parts that are important, read them out loud to him. Or ask him to read it too, if he's a reader. He needs to start understanding the concept of Emotional Needs and Love Busters. You want to meet his EN for sex, but the way he's approaching it is a LB to you. He needs to understand this.
> 
> Once you get him to understand the concept that each of you should meet each other's ENs and NOT create LBs, THEN you can tell him something like:
> I wanted you to understand that stuff because I need to tell you that the way you're approaching me for sex is becoming a big Love Buster for me. It's making me unhappy. And I need you to understand that for women to want to have sex, we have to feel good emotionally FIRST, or we just stop wanting to have sex. The way you're acting is having a couple bad effects. It makes me feel like you're acting like a horny 13 year old boy and that's not attractive. And it makes me feel like you just want me around so someone will meet your sexual needs. And I'm more than that. I deserve more than that. I want you to understand that about me, so that we can find a way so that we both are happy in this relationship. Because if you don't stop doing things this way, you're going to end up getting NO sex.
> ...


well, as a guy, i must say that this is cruel but fair. i must also say, once you go down this road, you must be consistent. the boy you love and married will need time to grow the f up.

by 28, you'd think he'd settle down a bit. sometimes a 2x4 helps him understand he needs to love you, not do love at you.

it is excellent, though, that he is attracted to you.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

Have sex as much as possible. And stay that way!

Consider yourself luck to have someone who WANTS YOU.
Cherish him and never let him go.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Guys, remember that it's painful for her. If you were going to rub your back raw twice a week, would you look forward to it?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> Guys, remember that it's painful for her. If you were going to rub your back raw twice a week, would you look forward to it?


more positions helps... 

her mind is where the love needs to start, not the bed. a considerate mate is not an unreasonable thing to ask for. quality over quantity matters.

damn... guys blow a decent deal world-wide. women are so great to be with. if you only knew them. *but no, you guys gotta be pr!cks about it and ruin a great relationship* 

there oughta be a school for boys to make them real men. i wanna puke.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Be careful what you wish for tho. It sucks to be married to a guy who never acts like he wants you. And if he does want sex once a week it's like he is doing you a favor.


I agree. The day my husband stops his sexual innuendo is the day I start worrying.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well, I think if I couldn't have sex as often as we'd like, then I WOULD give more bj's and handjobs..... why not? Maybe he's not the best sweet talker, but maybe he would be if he were more sexually satisfied. And if that's the worst of him, maybe try to figure out a way to get past it.... like if your spouse sucks his teeth all the time, or chews with his mouth open, or wants endless compliments. 

If you really love the guy and all other things are going well, then you overlook this "flaw" and figure out your own coping strategies. Like being a smartass back at him, or talking cruder than he is, or just rolling your eyes. Something....


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

I suggest you both read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Your husband's love language seems like Physical Touch. When you understand his desire/need, you can fulfill it better without always resulting to sex. 

As for the immaturity. Some folks grow out of it, some don't. If its a part of his personality, then its apart of the man you love. But too much of anything isn't good. No easy way to talk to him about it. Be kind and dot on his other qualities.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening lilivewire
Is it possible that what you wrote below is the key? His lusting after you used to be exciting, but now that drugs are lowing your libido it is just annoying?

If so, I don't know what to suggest if you have already tried different drugs. At least be sure that he understands the cause.





lillivewire said:


> snip
> I am on 24/7/365 birth control now to control my symptoms which also affects my libido...I have tried multiple different kinds, and the one I am on now affects me the least as far as side effects go.
> snip


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I think he is upping the intensity because he isn't feeling it back from you for whatever reason. My wife is pretty flat in regards to flirting/sexual innuendo the week before her period. My first instinct when her level goes down is to raise my level to compensate or to try to get her going again. Which is probably the wrong thing to do.

You might want to look at the timing of his increase vs. your decreased libido?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

I never understood how a spouse just 'expects' their spouse to 'stop' wanting to have sex with them so much, and the more they 'pester', the more the spouse is ready to leave. 

This is not an immature v mature issue. This is a sexual man vs. taught man (in my own terminology). In other words, most men (the majority) are sexual to the bone; however, they are taught by their wives that there is a time and place for sex and 2-3 times a week is fair. If that. On the other hand, there are men who REFUSE to be taught. 

OP, there is no right answer that you are seeking. By verbally limiting your husband to sex when it is conforming to you, whether you explain it nicely or while angry, he is going to resent you. As a 28 year old, men are still having sex with their wives/girlfriend/fling all throughout the week. He may 'comply' to your outlook; however, he may not. 28 is too young to just give up your needs. He cannot control his urge to have sex with you. He will become beyond frustrated as he already is, especially if he knows that you expressly want to limit sex and you are very stern about it. 

2-3 times a week is grounds for divorce for me, so my opinion is completely biased. However, I speak as a man in his 20s and as a man who has buddies that are limited. They do not cheat (that I know of); however, they are very close to it. Good luck.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

The strong sex drive of a young man does not excuse him being completely ignorant to things that turn off a young woman.

He's ignorant and doesn't want to be taught? No problem. He should find a woman who acts just like him only in the feminine reverse of the situation. Like she will loudly giggle when inappropriate, and slap the azz of any Chippendale looking guy she wants, and she will openly talk about how big or small a man's member is, including her husband's.

That would be a match.

This couple are not a match in this way and that is the real problem.

It is not the wife shutting down the husband's needs, it is the husband turning off the wife with his ignorance and disregard for what does turn her on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You'd be surprised how common it is for women to say 'if he would just stop groping me like a piece of meat, I'd be more turned on.'


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

This sounds like a battle of "meet my needs first" and therein lies the futility.

Who goes first?...the one who's need is "more important?"...who determines that?

Why not recalibrate your thinking...instead of finding ways to change the other person to get your needs met...Perhaps make changes within yourself that foster love and care for the other...

Marriage should be a race to the bottom....striving to come underneath and support the other...strive to come alongside and be WITH the other....and end the power over struggle of "me first"....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's great...if the other person isn't going around Love Busting you all over the place, and won't stop, so you stop WANTING to meet that person's needs.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

turnera said:


> You'd be surprised how common it is for women to say 'if he would just stop groping me like a piece of meat, I'd be more turned on.'


I fell for that one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, when a guy is a groper, there's usually more going wrong than just frisky hands...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

turnera said:


> Well, when a guy is a groper, there's usually more going wrong than just frisky hands...


Please expand. I think most married men are at least occasional gropers. Has your husband never come up behind you and cupped your breasts uninvited?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Cute right?
Maybe the first couple of times...or even every once in awhile but not every day. And it is starting to make me feel inadequate. I have tried mentioning to hiM that the constant innuendos bug me, but if I mention it he guilt trips.me or turns it into "what you don't find me sexy ally attractive/want to have set with me?"or "can't you ever act excited/that you want me?""

Sounds like you're the star in 'Groundhog Day'. SSDD. There is a time and place for everything but when every question is answered with the same innuendo it's time for a new script. 

Try a little experiment with him: every time he asks you a question, say "chocolate". If he asks why, tell him that's what is on your mind. Do it EVERY single time until he realizes just how dadgum irritating it is.


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