# Does he have to be your "best friend"



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

My hubby of 23 years is definitely not my "best friend." Nor can I talk to him about "anything!" I'm not sure how "normal" this is for other couples:scratchhead:

I would love to be married to my best friend and be able to open my heart, but we've never been like this at all. Even from the start.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't know whether he HAS to be, but mine is.


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## Shift (Jan 22, 2013)

I would have to say yes. If he is not your best friend and both of you cannot open up to each other COMPLETELY, communication and trust will deteriorate and slowly corrode... And we all know where that leads to...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband is my best friend. We talk about anything and everything. We both confide only in each other. I do not trust anyone like I trust my husband. I'm pretty sure this didn't happen overnight.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I would be very worried if it were not the case.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

I disagree. I have best friends who are *women*. Not all men want to be a confidante for their wife/gf's every single thought, and tbh, I don't want to tell my h my every thought. I have good gf's for that. 

Now, if the OP's h _never _allows her to confide and is not supportive, that would suck, but I don't think that all husbands (or wives) want the 'best buddy' role.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Before I got married my best friend was a man.
We did everything together, passed through lots of difficult times etc.

A little after I got married,
My wife became my best friend .


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

DameEdna said:


> My hubby of 23 years is definitely not my "best friend." Nor can I talk to him about "anything!" I'm not sure how "normal" this is for other couples:scratchhead:
> 
> I would love to be married to my best friend and be able to open my heart, but we've never been like this at all. Even from the start.


Do you think of your husband as a friend, or a close friend?

I have close friends that have become like family to me over the years and can talk with them about everything, but my SO is also someone I can talk with about everything. I don't call any of them my "best" friend, but they all certainly are dear to me.

I would be concerned if I couldn't talk to my SO about things that are on my mind, and be honest about my emotions and thoughts and feelings. Doesn't mean I need to talk with him about everything or share every interest, but open communication is very important.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

While I was married to my first husband, a good girl friend of mine posted on FB on her anniversary a sentiment that started..."XX years ago, I married my best friend, lover, etc......"

I could not relate at all. I did not see my husband at the time as my best friend... we did not communicate well...hence we eventually ended up divorced (other factors of course played a roll)...

However, I am NOW married to my best friend... and I would never require any less. I chrish the level of communication we have. I don't have that with anyone else (even my best girl friend).


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband is my best friend, too. Do I have a best girl friend? Sure. But the one person I turn to about everything is my husband. He IS my best friend, above all of my friends.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah don't know if its necessary but my husband is my best friend.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

My husband is my best friend. I definitely tell him everything. I don't really comprehend _not_ telling my husband everything, especially in a relationship that is meant to be the most intimate kind of relationship we can every have with another human being. I have girl friends that I confide things in as well, but my husband is my number one best friend. And he says the same about me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

My husband is my best friend, no question. I don't think it necessarily has to be that way, but we are similar enough in our interests that it comes naturally for us. I can talk to him about anything, and I do. Amazingly to me, nothing I want to talk about seems to bore him.

His parents were best buddies throughout their 61 year marriage so I suppose he is like his father.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I simply could *not* have married a man who wasn't my best friend, it meant THAT much to me..I know me and I would have felt something was lacking... when searching for wedding invitations ...I specifically looked for those that "touched" on this aspect of our union....

When I found this one...my search was over >>











Not everyone is as close as this in marriage... and it can still WORK if that is COOL with you..and he.. but if ONE desires this close connected entanglement in a high degree while the other bulks, I would see it as a compatibility issue... It would never work for me, as I LOVE to be with my husband... I'd be lonely if he expected me to fill that void with female friends or family...
Just not my cup of tea...

No matter what happens in my life...the good ,the bad, the ugly, the crazy, the juicy, I run to him 1st.....we can talk about anything.... we can fight & make up pretty quickly... we can laugh over everything...and he accepts me just as I am.... just like best friends....I need that in a spouse !


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

My husband is my very best-est friend. We have always been on the same level. He kinda has no choice in the matter since I'm a huge dork and most people don't get me. 

We talk about everything. I can talk to him about shoes and make-up and he can talk about wrestling and computer tech, which I do not understand. 

We have one outside friend. He is just as strange as us so he fits well. They were friends first then I jumped in the middle of their friendship. Now we all hang out and talk on the phone. 

And even though we are close, my husband and I are closer and hubby is still my guy. I can say anything to him without judgements. I could not be with someone whom I could not be strange, quarky, dorky, and just say some air headed things. That was always my number one deal breaker.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> My husband has been my best friend since we met. I've felt a connection with him I haven't felt with others, man or woman. My Facebook page has post about how I'm married to my best friend. Perhaps that's sappy and overly sentimental, but it's true. Whenever I hear something or something happens, the first person I usually want to tell it to is my husband. He pretty much knows me, warts and all. I'm much more selective about what I say to my girlfriends.
> 
> I don't think your husband HAS to be your best friend, but there should be a strong friendship underlying the marriage. Definitely some other man shouldn't be your best friend. It's fine to have close female friends with whom you can share a lot, but you should be able to consider your husband a good friend as well.
> 
> When a couple has a strong friendship, they can weather a lot of things life throws at them compared to a couple who turn to same sex or opposite sex friends for support. I think in western cultures it's important to have that underlying friendship with the spouse because otherwise it's so easy to find a friendship with someone of the opposite gender and then there's an opening for marital infidelity. These days there's 24 hours/7 days a week of the existence of asynchronous, essentially private electronic communication available in multiple forms (tweets, email, texts, webcam, etc.) men and women working side by side at a job several days a week, and a lack of community or societal support that existed in the past to support strong marriages so it's easy form inappropriate attachments or fail to prevent inappropriate attachments to others.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This ^^^

My wife is my best friend. My wife has a life long female BFF. So my goal is to be her best male friend. She does speak of me as being her best friend but I respect that a woman should also have at least one very close female friend in life.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

What lovely replies, thank you. I keep coming here for answers, but I never find the "right" ones and I am the kind of person to just accept my life the way it is as it's not ALL bad. So I have LOTS of suppressed feelings and thoughts that I hide from my hubby. Yet they are shown in LOTS of other ways. Like I'm an aggressive driver, I have very little patience with stuff, I might have too many glasses of wine on a Saturday evening (just a few examples)

I have a little part time job so I do earn my own money. He has a brilliant well paid job so we have no mortgage, very comfortable, have 2-3 foreign holidays a year (or one big expensive one like a Cruise) and have meals out every week. Live in a nice home and all that kind of thing is perfect.

Apart from him. But maybe it's just me..........

When we met (about 27 years ago now, been married 23) I had just come out of a serious (well I thought it was anyway, aged 17) relationship where I felt I had been way too flirty and naive (he was a lovely bloke and didn't take advantage) but I chose not to have a future with him. A Year later I met my hubby (to be) and I seemed to change my personality, so I was a reserved shy person, and he thought I was completely innocent in that I'd never had any intimacy with a bloke before. I didn't admit that I had. 

He's always been the silent moody type so I've accepted that over the years, and learnt to keep my innermost thoughts to myself. Both of us have endured each other having EAs on the internet, so this has been an issue (taboo) that I no longer trust him.

Most of the time I like him and we do stuff together and I actually look forward to him coming home from work. And I look forward to when we go away together, or do stuff like theatre, meals, days out. 

Whilst he's open to suggestions of places to go/things to do, he mostly makes all the decisions. I'm a "follower" so I go with it. 

And to top it all our daughter is at Uni and living on her overdraft and spending what money we send every week (and more) she doesnt seem to have any intention of working (she's nearly 20!!!!) If we try and talk to her, she has an answer for everything.

So, again, we brush yet more issues under the carpet.

As you can imagine, our sex life suffers, but I've a low libido anyway.

I am afraid to leave as I might regret it, I'm afraid that the grass isn't greener on the other side. I wouldn't have enough money to live off by myself (and to be honest he knows this)

We have talked about staying together (so I guess we DO talk sometimes) and how much easier it is than splitting, but this just makes both of us complacent..... like "this is it," "we're not going to change it," so "we will just continue as we are......!"

Sorry this is so long, but it has made me feel better for writing it. Thank you


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DameEdna said:


> I am afraid to leave as I might regret it, I'm afraid that the grass isn't greener on the other side. I wouldn't have enough money to live off by myself (and to be honest he knows this)
> 
> We have talked about staying together (so I guess we DO talk sometimes) and how much easier it is than splitting, but this just makes both of us complacent..... like "this is it," "we're not going to change it," so "we will just continue as we are......!"


Just some thoughts at the top of my head, I Think we've all got caught up in a little complacency, taking one another for granted in our marriages...I did too for a time....

I think LITTLE changes/ suggestions can lead to a better place/ that higher ground where admiration & attraction grows for each other...... sounds some *apathy* is going on here...what you need is to have an "affair" with your husband...

Maybe a book like this can give you some ideas... I really enjoyed this one....

Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse:



> How can adultery-the worst of all marital sins-be considered "kosher"? As internationally bestselling author Rabbi Shmuley Boteach explains, what often leads to infidelity is too much trust and complacency, which causes routine, boredom, and waning attraction.
> 
> You and your spouse must look to the principles of adultery-forbiddenness, danger, excitement, tension, and voyeurism-to achieve the outer limits of erotic excitement, passion, and pleasure in your own marriage.
> 
> In this revolutionary new book, Rabbi Shmuley explains how you can rekindle the fiery attraction and endless lust that existed before you and your spouse became husband and wife: Kosher Adultery. Husbands must turn their wives into mistresses; wives must turn their husbands into lovers.


Apathy, unconcern, indifference, lack of interest, lack of emotion. It's what creeps into the marriage when one or both spouses aren't watchful.



> A is for Apathy: What Happens when You Don't Care Anymore?
> 
> *§* It happens when they allow the fire for each other to go out.
> 
> ...


So he doesn't like to open up & share his emotions, a quiet man... would he be willing to sit with you & have a time of Questions & answers...just to keep learning of each other... me & my husband have done this... - while one took a bath... the other would sit there and ask away. I suppose that sounds strange but we had FUN with it... 

Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be: Books







....

365 Questions For Couples: Books



> It's an interesting concept: questions to ask to determine compatibility or just get to know a lover or potential lover better.
> 
> The book starts with "Who Are You?" questions covering a myriad of topics, such as self-esteem, values, hobbies, trust, romance, spirituality, health, and time management. Other sections include "Where Did You Come From?" (past, family, friends, education, and intelligence), "Where Are You Going?" (money, work, and future), "Can We Live Together?" (home, household responsibilities, food, bathroom, pets, vehicles, garden), and "Where Are We Going?" (vacations, holidays, children, wedding, and sex).
> 
> Some questions will strike you as significant and others as unsubstantial--choose the ones that intrigue you. Tips for using the questions productively are peppered throughout the book. For example, figure out your top 20 "non-negotiable" questions and answer them yourself before asking them of a partner. It's an interesting spin on relationship deepening, and will certainly spark conversation.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

My husband isn't my best friend. I wish he was, but it is what it is. Whenever I see friends post things about their husbands being their best friends, I hide them. It just hurts too much.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SO is my bestie We do everything together,talk about every thing together.Share the same hobbies and always have the other persons back.I've been in relationships where the guy wasn't my best friend and always felt like something was missing.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Just some thoughts at the top of my head, I Think we've all got caught up in a little complacency, taking one another for granted in our marriages...I did too for a time....
> 
> I think LITTLE changes/ suggestions can lead to a better place/ that higher ground where admiration & attraction grows for each other...... sounds some *apathy* is going on here...what you need is to have an "affair" with your husband...
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to "listen" and give me some guidance and pointers in the right direction. It would be so easy for someone on here to say, there's no hope, get a divorce etc. This gives me hope in the future....


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