# I want to help, but I can't



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I run into an old boyfriend from 30 years ago. He tells me his wife is not happy with him anymore and he seems very sad about it.

I offered to listen but he did the right thing and said it would not be a good idea to visit or lean on an old girlfriend considering the state of his marriage. I agreed and assured him he would be in my thoughts and wished him the best and went on my way.

I want to offer him advice and point him to some forums, suggest counseling for them but I can't. See if she is in an affair. It can't come from me because we have a past. 

Before TAM, I would have kept in contact with him to try and help him but now I now this is wrong. I wish there was something someone could do but it's been too many years. I just have to hope he works things out with his wife because I know he really loves her.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Suggest he visit TAM, and let it go.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Thound said:


> Suggest he visit TAM, and let it go.


:iagree:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm glad you didn't fall for the "my marriage is in trouble and I don't know why" line. For some guys, this is simply a lack of appropriate boundaries. For others, this is a pickup line - that all to frequently works - that essentially boils down to "hey, wanna stroke my, umm, 'ego'?". 

Know who cheats on their wives? Guys with poor boundaries. And guys who advertise unhappy marriages so prospective bed partners will feel sorry for them and want to do something to make them feel better. 

There's no upside for you in getting in the middle of this either way. If you must speak with him about this, encourage him to work it out with his wife (MC, TAM, books, whatever) and then leave it alone.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

He's a big boy. If you found this forum, I'm sure he'll find it too with out your help. Leave it alone. It will only cause you trouble.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I should ask my wife what hooking up with friends from 30 years ago did. None of them are talking to her and some she just recently reunited with after 30 or more years. 

She lied to them, dragged them into our mess, had some verbally attack me. They were lied to so many times and they were willing to open up their homes to her, etc.

Now, every one of them is gone.

Yea, he is a big boy now. Maybe he was fishing. Maybe he really needs help and is looking at his past for that help. 

Wait another 30 years and contact him to see how it all turned out.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I'm glad you didn't fall for the "my marriage is in trouble and I don't know why" line. For some guys, this is simply a lack of appropriate boundaries. For others, this is a pickup line - that all to frequently works - that essentially boils down to "hey, wanna stroke my, umm, 'ego'?".
> 
> Know who cheats on their wives? Guys with poor boundaries. And guys who advertise unhappy marriages so prospective bed partners will feel sorry for them and want to do something to make them feel better.
> 
> There's no upside for you in getting in the middle of this either way. If you must speak with him about this, encourage him to work it out with his wife (MC, TAM, books, whatever) and then leave it alone.


:iagree:

My husband used that exact line to his skanky OW. It worked, she found a weakness and jumped on it.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

As someone whose marriage IS in trouble etc etc... I would never share that to a female friend/x etc precisely because of the fear/expectation that it came across as a creepy chat up line. :-(


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