# I have arrived in Iamafailureville



## billysblues (Jan 6, 2015)

After nearly three years in to this third separation I have finally gotten off my thumbs and filed for divorce. I almost immediately went from a feeling of peaceful contentment into feeling like a worthless piece of crap just like she not so affectionately describes me on many occasions. I pretty much have withdrawn from everyone and live in this really lonely place. Now the walk through the valley..........


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

This is one time when withdrawing from your support structure (family/friends) is not a good idea.

You are not a piece of crap. You are a person of value, with worth and your opinions, thoughts, beliefs and goals matter. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not your friend, and not worthy of being part of your life.

You will move past this. Everyone falls, it's OK to be in a dark place, but don't stay there. Choose to stand back up and walk forward. YOU are in control of yourself, not your ex spouse. Your marriage or the end of your marriage does not define you, it is only a part of your life. Make healthy, positive choices for yourself (be kind to yourself, understanding of yourself and all the phases of divorce such as anger/hurt/denial/sadness, patient with yourself) and you will be in a much better place eventually. You're going to be OK.


----------



## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

A marriage can fail with you being a failure. Otherwise, all of us here have to consider ourselves "failures". Sometimes a marriage is simply not meant to be-maybe you married for the wrong reasons, or too quickly, or just married the wrong person. Yes, the end of a marriage is a horrible, traumatic event but does not have to be the end of your happiness forever. 

You should not give another person the power to define you. And you should take comfort from those still in your life. Friends and family can be invaluable during crisis but if they are not supportive, find others who are, whether it is in counseling or as a part of a support group. Good luck.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Don't accept her description of you or the marriage.

You say is the third separation. Did anything positive change in your relationship as a result of three separations? If not, then my friend you did the wise thing in ending it.

What's your story?


----------



## BoyScout (Feb 6, 2015)

I know exactly how you feel. My D was recently made final after 27yrs of marriage. There have been days that I thought the darkness was behind me and some days the demons return to haunt me. I hear it gets better. I am not there yet, but I'm hopeful.

The other folks are right, don't fall into the trap of withdrawing. Last night I had a full plate of things to do around the house, but I got a text from a friend to join her trivia team at a local bar. I dropped everything and went. I'm glad I went. It felt good to be social. 

I found it useful to try to identify what triggers the demons and find some antidote. For me, being around happy couples depresses the hell out of me. Now when I am I try like hell to tell myself that I can still have that in my future.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

^ Identifying the triggers is a really good idea! Then we can determine what to stay away from...

For me, a big trigger is this lady from my ex's family who calls me from time to time. She says it's just to catch up and ask how I am - but really, it's to get an update on how things are with my estranged husband and to gossip. Stupid me, I had so much to vent in my heart that I'd really let it out. But I always feel crappy afterwards. She drops "information" about my husband's family that makes me upset. Good-to-know information for sure, but it's still a trigger.

That's why I don't call her. But she still calls me and won't stop until I pick up lol.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> ^ Identifying the triggers is a really good idea! Then we can determine what to stay away from...
> 
> For me, a big trigger is this lady from my ex's family who calls me from time to time. She says it's just to catch up and ask how I am - but really, it's to get an update on how things are with my estranged husband and to gossip. Stupid me, I had so much to vent in my heart that I'd really let it out. But I always feel crappy afterwards. She drops "information" about my husband's family that makes me upset. Good-to-know information for sure, but it's still a trigger.
> 
> That's why I don't call her. But she still calls me and won't stop until I pick up lol.


Can you block her number?


----------



## breezycello (May 29, 2015)

Oh please do not think you are a failure. As one above noted, your marriage does not define you. Most say a job does not define you either. I agree with both. I am only one month into a separation but have lived the past 12 months of the "trying to fix my marriage" dark place. I have allowed my husband to forced me to leave our business (chose to keep the OW), leave my family home and try to start over. We have been together for 31 years and married for 26. I understand your feelings of feeling as if you have failed and that you are a failure. It is a very hard to pull yourself away from those thoughts.

It is easier to keep our plates full of things to do rather than be out with friends or family. As many have told me, don't do that. Take the time when you really need but otherwise enjoy those friends that really do want to help you and enjoy being with you. These friends/family will be the ones that help to bring you back to a place of feeling worthy again. Each time you step out and do something for yourself, you will begin to feel better. You will fall back and will move forward many times. I do and know it will continue. It is so very hard...

Keep reaching out and don't turn others away more than you have to. They are the ones that care for you (including your support here).
I will keep you in my thoughts!


----------

