# Advice? Support? Not really sure what I need right now



## lostandnotsure (Dec 30, 2011)

Trying to figure out how I feel and what I should do. I've given my story in the general discussion forums http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/37331-lost-confused-looking-advice.html and with the help of posts and a couple friends I had a long talk with my wife a few days ago. None of the talk brought up any issues that were new, these are things that at first I tried to talk to her about and then it just devolved into an argument every time and this went on for years. Since the talk she's done a complete 180 and trying to be the perfect wife and this bothers me. I don't know if she's actually trying to work on things or if she's just trying to do what she thinks will make me happy so I won't leave and try and keep my son.

Part of the problem is after so many years of this I'm not sure if I still care for her and even wondering if I ever did. I've got so many feelings running through me that i'm losing sleep and it's constantly on my mind. I just got a number for a MC but i'm not sure if this is what we need or not. She said she would go if I wanted her to but she didn't really want to do MC. I'm not sure if I should try and work this out or if divorce is the way I should go. She's even said she thinks it's possible for her to fall back into the same cycle again and after so long already I'm not even sure if I can handle it again, i'm so tired of the fights that never accomplish any thing for more than a few weeks. I just don't know how to sort out my own feelings and thoughts. Would IC be better instead of MC? I don't have insurance so don't think I would be able to afford both although would try if it I really thought it might help.

I'm just looking for some advice to help me decide what i should do. I know my wife needs help but she won't go for heself. Would MC help or IC for myself be better?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I read your other post, and the replies.

Have you decided on what you want?

If she's acting like the perfect wife, isn't that what you want? 

Is there intimacy between you two? 

Counseling in any form will help.


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## lostandnotsure (Dec 30, 2011)

The perfect wife would be great if I thought she was actually fixing things. My big fear is that this will be like always, that for a while she'll fix things and then go right back to the way it has before. So doing this complete 180 over night to me i'm afraid is more of a I got scared so i'm going to do what I need to so you won't leave. People just can't change that fast over night.

There is very little intimacy between us any more. It started out I felt she was avoiding it although she tells me otherwise. The timing just always seemed to be really off. 5 minutes before son gets home from school she was say she wanted to have sex, later that evening after he was in bed I would try to initiate things and she would say no. I know a person can't stay in the mood all the time but it happened A LOT. Past year a lot of it probably has been me turning it down since I've not been happy and just haven't been feeling the attraction.

As for me deciding how I feel that's a big part of my issue. I don't know. Sometimes I think yes and sometimes no. I'm afraid that maybe I've let this problem build up so long and staying with my wife for my son that I've waited to long to fix things.

I do have an appointment set up tomorrow with an MC. Wife didn't seemed thrilled when i told her that, she thought I would wait longer which I often have a habit of doing when thinking about things but I've been thinking about these issues for ae long time and lurking on these boards on and off for months.
Maybe just being here is atleast helping me some since I have very few places to actually discuss this with, I don't have much family to fall back on for emotional problems, and most of my friends have disapeared because she always made me feel guilty if I went out.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think the perfect wife is a good start. I agree that any counseling would help, maybe start in IC who can then move it to MC.

I may have been playing the role of your wife, by bending over backwards with what I thought were loving acts, you know filling the love bank. The lesson learned was not everyone is interested in loving actions and appears to be more of a seperator than uniter for some reason.

If you want to make your marriage better, seek professional help before it gets to far.


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## lostandnotsure (Dec 30, 2011)

Well just to add an update, went to see MC today for first appointment. We both liked him and he said he would be willing to work with us if that's what we decide as well as giving us some other options. 

He strongly advised my wife to see a doctor about depression as he felt like this might be a large problem to hold things back and to make things easier in the long run no matter what is decided between us. So we're going to see where it goes from there. We're already working on finding some one for my wife to see about depression although seems like this may take a couple of day's. I just don't want to sit on any of this any more between us.


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