# My boyfriend wouldn't try his fetish with me and cheated on another woman



## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

I'm embarrassed to write about this, but as I need advice, I will write about our problem.

Recently I found out my boyfriend's cheating. He had sex with his ex. I asked him many questions and finally got the answer. He had sex with her because he could do to her something he could never do to me. According to him, he could do something quite rough as if in an x rated movie.

I have been with him for 18 months. Many times I felt he wasn't sexually interested in me because he didn't desire me that often. Because of it, we got into arguments many times, but always he insisted that he was sexually interested in me. I kept asking him what he wanted me to do in bed because I was always open to anything for him. But he always said our sex was fine and he didn't want me to do anything else. But his sex was bland in a way he wouldn't try anything new or interesting, and he seemed to avoid sex frequently. I even thought he was LD. 

But other than sex, he has been a great boyfriend, and we have had so much fun together whatever we did. I was very happy with him. Of course, that's until I discovered his infidelity. 

After his cheating, he made it clear to his ex and me on the same email that he made a mistake. (I emailed his ex first asking her not to contact him any more.) He says he loves me and wants to get back together, promissing me that he will never cheat on me. I believe that he sincerely made the statement. However, I wonder if he keeps supressing his sexual needs, he will cheat again. I think he will, and he doesn't realize it. 

I will tell him I will do whatever he wants to do in bed because I am very willing when it comes to sex. However, he may not be able to try "rough sex" on me because he has a certain image of me as rahter naive woman who wouldn't fit for rough sex. He enjoyed the kind of sex on her because she is a Hooters girl type woman whereas I am more like a conservative shy woman. (But I am not! It's just what he thinks I am.) Because he loves me being such, I doubt he will ever try rough sex with me. Then I am afraid he will cheat on me again. 

Should I insist him on trying what he likes on me?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Don't become someone you're not in order to keep a man.
A partner in a healthy relationship will share their fantasies with you, to INCLUDE you, not seek out gratification from another.
I think if you stay with him & he continues to suppress his urges, you're going to end up right back where you are right now.
You're not married, there is no reason to stay, especially since he's already cheated on you only 18 months into your relationship.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What kind of rough sex? Did he tell you exactly what he wants? There is rough sex and there are extremes. Are you going to be comfortable with his turn on? 

I think you should wait for a while. The guy cheated on you because he didn't get his way. There are ways to get things out in the open. It's called talking. He chose to cheat and now he wants rough sex. IMO, I wouldn't be in a big hurry to forgive and forget. If you do that then any time he doesn't get his way, he'll stray. I don't care if you love him or not. Don't compromise yourself just so he can get his jollies. If your uncomfortable with what he wants, then you have the right to say no and if he cant understand your feelings, then he's not worth keeping.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The Madonna wh0re complex. So your man can't see himself slapping your behind cause you're the Madonna but it's okay cause his ex was a wh0re. That's rather unfair to both of you don't you think?

Sweatheart if you can't write what it is he wants to do, then you're not ready to do it. Rough sex means a lot of different things. Are you talking about getting tied up? Getting spanked? Getting taken roughly? being ordered about?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Didn't you post on another thread? 

You come across as desperate, allowing him to cheat using a lame excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why are you so willing to brush aside his cheating? Are you so desperate to have a man, even one that cheats on you because he can't place you in the sexual role that he was able to place his ex? Why are you trying so hard to be with a man who cheats on you? 

If you want rough sex, then tell him what you want him to do while in the middle of it. Harder! Harder! Slap my ass! That will 1) give him permission to be rougher, and 2) allow him to see you differently, outside the current image he has of you sexually.

If you don't really want rough sex but are just trying to keep him, forget it. That will just make you feel used, eventually. 

But, first, first, the cheating! Where is your self-esteem?!?


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

I know, I know. I am out of my mind right now. I am going insane.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Jackie1607 said:


> I know, I know. I am out of my mind right now. I am going insane.


Respect yourself more! Expect better of the man in your life than what this one is offering.


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

However, I am not an innocent type in bed at all. I have dated several men with crazy fetishes. So I am quite open when it comes to sex. He just doesn't try with me.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Jackie1607 said:


> However, I am not an innocent type in bed at all. I have dated several men with crazy fetishes. So I am quite open when it comes to sex. *He just doesn't try with me*.


There's your answer, he's just not into having dirty sex with you, for whatever reason.
Dump his sorry ass & find a man who is into having all kinds of sexy time with ONLY you.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

If it is something that you are into yourself, instigate a bit. A bit of role play can be the perfect opportunity for you to step out of your shy role and into a more assertive role.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I know that I don't try most of my fetishes with my wife because she's acted so judgmental of them in the past. That doesn't sound like your issue though.


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> The Madonna wh0re complex. So your man can't see himself slapping your behind cause you're the Madonna but it's okay cause his ex was a wh0re. That's rather unfair to both of you don't you think?
> 
> Sweatheart if you can't write what it is he wants to do, then you're not ready to do it. Rough sex means a lot of different things. Are you talking about getting tied up? Getting spanked? Getting taken roughly? being ordered about?


You are absolutely right about the complex. That fits in our situation. But what he means by "rough sex" is just slapping butt, pulling hair, and stuff. To me they don't sound too rough at all :scratchhead:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Jackie1607 said:


> I'm embarrassed to write about this, but as I need advice, I will write about our problem.
> 
> Recently I found out my boyfriend's cheating. He had sex with his ex. I asked him many questions and finally got the answer. He had sex with her because he could do to her something he could never do to me. According to him, he could do something quite rough as if in an x rated movie.
> 
> ...



If he likes x-rated rough sex, watch some porn about it and then surprise him, get dressed up and rock his world. You don't have to change who you are as a person, but let yourself totally go and meet his sexual fantasy. I'm sure he'd do the same for you. Since he cheated on you with his ex, came clean and no more contact or emails, I would give him a second chance but monitor him. If he did it once, he may just do it again and if that happens, dump his ass and find a good man that meets your needs.


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

lovemylife said:


> If it is something that you are into yourself, instigate a bit. A bit of role play can be the perfect opportunity for you to step out of your shy role and into a more assertive role.


Thank you for your constructive opinion. A role play sounds a good idea. But as everyone suggests here, I am still debating whether I want to go back to him. 

But he asks me for a second chance as he is willing to work on our issues no matter how long it will take. 

I haven't met him since I discovered his cheating and will not meet him anytime soon.


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> If he likes x-rated rough sex, watch some porn about it and then surprise him, get dressed up and rock his world. You don't have to change who you are as a person, but let yourself totally go and meet his sexual fantasy. I'm sure he'd do the same for you. Since he cheated on you with his ex, came clean and no more contact or emails, I would give him a second chance but monitor him. If he did it once, he may just do it again and if that happens, dump his ass and find a good man that meets your needs.


Yes he admitted his wrong doing even to his ex on an email to me. At least for that part he came out clean. As above mentioned by someone, he cheated on me within our 18 months relationship, which is outrageous. But I suspected he has supressed his sexual needs from the beginning, which resulted in his cheating so early in our relationship. 

I am thinking if both of us, especially he, are willing to work on our sex issue, we might have a chance. Otherwise, he will cheat on me again, or else we will become an unhappy sexless couple.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You are getting manipulated into thinking his cheating is your fault. It's not. Dump him and his lame-o excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I know that I don't try most of my fetishes with my wife because she's acted so judgmental of them in the past. That doesn't sound like your issue though.


So how do you handle your sexual desire?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

it's almost as though you are competing with the ex . and in a way you're blaming yourself, protesting that you're not afraid of wild sex .

why is proving yourself sexually to this man so important to you ? does your experience having wild sex in the past and your desire to do it with him has anything to do with low selfesteem or previous sexual abuse ?

the fellas it gave the idea of watching some porn as surprising him are suggesting something that is damaging to your psyche . 

the man cheated and you want to reward him . 

changing you will not change him . 

and the truth is you don't really know what he did with her. 

alleged remorse after cheating is not unusual but it should not be trusted 

you are dating you're not married. accepting cheating now set you up for a lifetime of cheating with this man . 

if you're questioning whether you're crazy you probably are . listen to that side so you don't have to kick yourself later . whatever is wrong with your self esteem will not get better by placating this man .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

The first issue you have to get clear in your own mind is whether you want him back and why.

Second, you have to decide whether you actually want rough sex. If you do, then try initiating in a fairly aggressive manner; basically demand that he **** you (using the f word) and see if that gets him going. Be warned; it might not.

If you don't actually want rough sex then you and he will have to talk through what each of you actually does want and whether you can provide that for one another.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Jackie1607 said:


> Yes he admitted his wrong doing even to his ex on an email to me. At least for that part he came out clean. As above mentioned by someone, he cheated on me within our 18 months relationship, which is outrageous. But I suspected he has supressed his sexual needs from the beginning, which resulted in his cheating so early in our relationship.
> 
> I am thinking if both of us, especially he, are willing to work on our sex issue, we might have a chance. Otherwise, he will cheat on me again, or else we will become an unhappy sexless couple.


No, no, no, no. He didn't cheat because he had suppressed his sexual needs.

He cheated because he has terrible conflict resolution skills and because he is selfish. THOSE are the issues HE needs to work on before you should even consider being with him. 

You can give him all the rough sex he wants, and he'll still cheat on you down the line unless he improves his conflict resolution skills (how to deal with problems) and stops being selfish (starts thinking of you and "us" rather than putting his wants first).

The Sex in Marriage forum is FULL to the brim with men with unmet sexual needs. And you know what? They don't cheat. They're unhappy, they talk with their spouses, they get marital counseling, they get therapy, they talk with their spouses some more and try to work through it, some even end up divorcing, but they don't cheat. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, cheats.


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## KeepingUpAppearances (Jul 14, 2013)

You really need to focus on the cheating. If he is not able to scratch his fetish itch he may do it again maybe with the ex again. You need to put yourself first and not him. Get out while your still ahead you deserve better.


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

norajane said:


> No, no, no, no. He didn't cheat because he had suppressed his sexual needs.
> 
> He cheated because he has terrible conflict resolution skills and because he is selfish. THOSE are the issues HE needs to work on before you should even consider being with him.
> 
> ...


I got your point. I haven't been back to him or seen him yet. 

But my mind is not like a TV, which I can turn on and off as I want. It's tough.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm glad to hear that.

Try very hard to believe US even if you don't believe it yourself: You are not to blame. He cheated because he wanted to cheat. It was a decision. Then came the rationale. 

Fidelity, trust, honesty. You can't have a good relationship without them. Since he is not a man you can trust, know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. if you were to stay with him you would never be able to find a man who meets those criteria . 

stay strong . remember that he chose this path . his character Is flawed . yours is not . I promise you you will look back on this and be glad that you were strong . its going to boost your self esteem like crazy . you will know what you're truly capable of and what you will not permit in your life . your future is going to be much much brighter because of this .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Its just an excuse he is saying to justify his cheating. No, no matter what cheating is inexcusable.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How did you find out ?

You are making a mistake if you think rough sex is the reason he cheated on you.


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