# So Scared



## Mrs. Scared (Mar 7, 2014)

I can't believe it has gotten to this point in my life that I am looking for help from strangers on the internet. I dated by husband for 3 years before we got married. We have had many issues in our relationship, but I love him dearly. I have a lot of baggage and personal issues, as does he, that makes our marriage difficult. I don't know how much to get into, and when you read this, keep in mind there are many other issues that I am not even addressing with this. I don't want to divorce him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I will just dive in. Sorry if this is a bit chaotic.
Some of the biggest issues I have with him is honesty. He just spent $600 of our tax return on points for an online video game. We do not make a lot of money. Probably, $50,000 combined income. So that was a ton of money. I knew he was spending some money and when i confronted him about it, he denied it and would get mad at me. When i finally gained access to the account and figured out exactly how much money he spent, i was furious. He felt bad of course. So a day after this happens, I wanted to lay down next to him and he couldn't even put his phone down for 2 minutes and stop playing this game. I got so mad, because I have complained about this since we started dating. For the past 6 months, when he is not working he literally does NOTHING but sit on the chair and play this game, unless he is trying to have sex, then i get the phone to be put down. 
That is another issue. When we first moved in together he would help out some with chores. After we got married, I quit my serving job and was unemployed for almost 3 months. It was stupid to do; I had recently stopped taking prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. Anyway, while I was unemployed, of course I did ALL of the housework, which is fine, I didn't have a job. But once I started working again, he hasn't pitched in, besides straightening up the living room occasionally. I always cook dinner, and do the grocery shopping and cleaning. The thing is I work just as many if not a few more hours a week than he does. 
A little background....
I can't critique anything he does, because I made a horrible mistake 2 years ago. Before I started dating my husband, I had a serious drug problem with Heroin. I was honest with him when we started dating that I had this problem in the past. However, I have been clean except for one relapse 2 years ago that landed me in the hospital and that is how he found out about it. I understand that he is scarred by this incident and has problems trusting me since then. However, he STILL brings it up when I am upset with something he has done, like lying to me about money and paying bills and such. I don't know why he proposed to me if he still can't trust me after that incident. The thing is, he has done stuff to lose my trust too. Right before the relapse happened, he got arrested for not having insurance on his car, which he had told me he had been paying. But then he got arrested again a month later for the SAME thing! He also has a habit of telling me he paid off bills that he hasn't and buying stuff and lying to me about where it came from. He bought an xbox a few years ago and told me his moms friend gave it to him. A lie. 
Another issue we have had for about the past year is my weight gain. My husband eats VERY poorly and yet is very skinny. I have always had issues with my weight, but after going on all this medication (which i went on after i relapsed and he made me go see a counselor), i gained a ton of weight. I know how overweight I am. This is the heaviest I have ever been, I am almost 200 lbs and only 5"4, so I understand I need to lose weight. I don't know why I don't care more about losing the weight, especially since he throws it in my face all the time. In arguments, he has gone the nasty route telling me I am fat and he is not attracted to me. Otherwise, he tries to say it nicely. But, WHENEVER i bring something up that bothers me, like how much time he spends on this game, he just throws it in my face that I've made promises to him to go work out, which I haven't done. Last night, I got pretty upset, considering I had just found out how much he had blown on this game, and he brought up my lack of follow thru on working out. I said out of exasperation that I will probably never work out, so he said he will never change anything I do not like. When I then said that I want to go to counseling, he said he won't ever go, so I said if he wants to stay married to me he will, and he said well i guess i don't want to stay married then. Which is something he has said several times since we got married 6 months ago. The skinniest I have ever been was 110 lbs and that was because I was using drugs. I am not a superficial person, and I understand there are health issues associated with my weight. But he was saying that to me, when I was a size 12, still big, but nothing outrageous. On top of that, I am 25 and he is 36. He doesn't make a lot of money and because of his record from years ago and his limited education, he probably will never make more than he does now. There are obviously superficial things that I am sacrificing by being with him, like the fact that he is always going to be 11 years older than me. 
On top of everything, I just had a falling out with my best friend of 10 years. She was the maid of honor at my wedding. She is a lot like my husband, in how stubborn she is. She accused me of doing all these horrible things that I didn't do and as a result we are not speaking. While my husband didn't make me stop being friends with her by any means, he definitely does not support our (former) friendship. 
I am so depressed. My family is there for me, kind of, but my moms reaction is always judgmental and telling me I can move back home. I just don't know how my life ended my this way. 7 years ago, I was graduating high school at the top of my class, had never used a drug and was going to an amazing college. Now, I am waiting tables, living in a tiny 1 bedroom apt, with a ton of student loan debt, no diploma, a history of drug abuse, no real friends, and a husband who cannot support us or make good financial decisions and that thinks I am fat and lazy. I love him so much and the last thing I want to add to that list of failures is a divorce, but I don't know what to do anymore. I am just so sad.


----------



## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

Well I've had to listen to the your fat and not attractive thing too in the past. I gained about 70 pounds when I was pregnant...lost it all and then quit smoking last year again and gained 40pounds back....heard the same horrible things each time we argued....my husband is physically fit....we both were gym rats when we were younger, but with full time work and parenting I'm too tired to go!
So I went to my doctor a few months back and got diet pills...told him it was either that or back to smoking! I then started running every night...not a lot only 1 mile a day....occasionally work out in the living room while watching tv...but basically making sure I watched what I ate and excursus at least 6 days... A mile a day....it makes a huge difference!
Loose the weight...not for him...instead so you can be in charge of your life. I've found when I sucked it up and stayed committed...the better I looked the more confident I am and the less crap I put up with.
You can do it...let him be your motivation....just think "I'm gonna get skinny again and tell you to kiss my ass the next time we fight"- make him jealous and he'll sing a whole new tune!


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I agree with 2hearts, lose the weight to build up your self-esteem, which sounds like you've lost plenty. I would also seriously think about leaving your husband. You are too young to waste your years with someone who is a liability rather than an asset. 

You know you have the potential to make something of yourself. Go out and do it.


----------

