# Where do you draw the line between friendship and flirting?



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Machjo said:


> Certainly a grey area exists between befriending a person and flirting with that person. I would give my wife the benefit of the doubt if she ever fell into the grey area between the two and I try to avoid the grey area and remain well within the boundaries of friendship with others myself. My wife abides by the same principle.
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> I admit though that I do find the boundary between befriending someone and flirting with someone difficult to clearly define. How would define that boundary?


If you would not want your spouse to see/hear the conversation between you and your friend, you know you have crossed the boundary.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

These days, I am finding boundaries that used to be there, have dissolved, or moved. This "me too" movement seems long overdue. I have dealt with men in my profession who have used their power to coerce sex out of women. I had an intermediate accountant out on a routine audit with me. The client was a friend of my boss, and ran a nice company. My intermediate was assigned the credit and collections department. I ran the job, and supervised my staff. One afternoon, the credit manager is in conference, in her office behind a cloosed door with my intermediate. My policy is that no meetings are private, no closed doors. We operate in the open, the client staff sees what we see. I don't bother to knock, just walk in. There he is with **** out, I close the door. I send him home. Her, I say that how she conducts herself is her business, but he is married, and he is my responsibility. I will be reassigning someone else to her department. Next morning, I tell him that this will remain between us. I will not report him, and he gets to keep his job. His performance evaluation will read "adequate", not superior, or excellent. Last year, I accepted a client that found me by accident. She was a client of my former colleague, now in practice on his own. He has not changed. He pulled the same sh1t on her. Came over to present her tax return. She goes into the kitchen to get coffee, and when she returns, he is sitting on the couch with his d1ck hanging out. I told her to file a report with our professional association and the board. If asked, I would say that her story is eminently plausible given my history. Sh1t! What the hell is wrong with people. Guy has been married as long as me, I have met his wife. She seems pleasant. Boundaries that have become fluid need reinformcement.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Machjo said:


> It's an OK definition; but what if I saw nothing wrong with it but my wife did, or vice versa?


If you feel the relationship is totally innocent (and maybe it is), but your wife isnot comfortable with it, you should give it up. Her needs over your needs or your friend’s needs. Besides, who is more important to you, your friend or your wife?


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

It makes no difference to me where the line is drawn because I simply don't have any female friends (except for my wife). It makes things nice and easy.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I go primarily on instinct - does this feel wrong? Things I do or consider:

1) I would distance myself from anyone that I thought was developing inappropriate feelings for me or for whom I was developing inappropriate feelings.

2) I would never have conversations with someone that I wouldn't share with my wife. In fact, I regularly have people want to discuss subjects with me that they want kept confidential and I always remind them that I keep no secrets from my wife so they should assume that I'll also discuss this with her.

3) My wife has access to virtually all of my communications. Technically, she can't see my work e-mail, but she can see all my texts and personal e-mails. She can unlock my phone. She can use my home computers. She's not a snoop, so she doesn't, but she could. Also, I regularly have her respond to incoming text messages when I'm driving or otherwise occupied, so she does sometimes see who I'm texting and what we are discussing.

4) I would distance myself from anyone that made my wife uncomfortable.

5) I would behave in a reciprocal fashion and have similar expectations for my wife's friendships.

6) I speak very, very highly of my wife to all my friends and talk about her often. That comes naturally, but I think it also helps remind anyone that might have other thoughts that I'm extremely devoted to her and not open to any alternative arrangements. 

7) It also helps that, to be brutally honest, I'm not the guy a woman would pick if she wanted to cheat with someone. To the extent that I'm appealing to women, it is because I'm nice, humorous, stable, a good father, and financially successful. I'm not sexy, hot, suave, exciting, or any of that. Women don't hit on me. They almost never have and it is unlikely that they will.

More than half of my friends at work are women. Some of them are very close friends with whom I converse daily and exchange text messages with. i haven't had any significant issues with any of them behaving inappropriately.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Listen we're all adults. Such are the times that every needs to be explained or have a definition.

Nothing is one size fits all.

There are friendly people out there who banter with everybody and are outwardly friendly.

It's not up to you to define what flirting is, because flirting can take many forms, eye contact, physical touch, establishing rapport, you can flirt with someone without cracking joke and being smiley or you could do it by making him/her laugh their asses off.

As with everything the burden is always on the person not to cross the line or if they know that the other person is crossing the line to shut them down and not encourage it.

A confident person's partner's friendly chat is a jealous person's over the line flirting.


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## SoFlaGuy (Nov 28, 2014)

Taxman said:


> Boundaries that have become fluid need reinformcement.



The situations you described aren't boundaries being crossed, those are creeps, perverts and predators.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Yes, that statement is incontrovertible. He was one of the lowest I have encountered. What irks me is the societal norm built up on this. Yes the tide is changing, but creeps and perverts have been at the top of the food chain for too long. It is not limited to men either. I was told early in my career, that if I slimmed down, a female supervisor would give me better assignments. I disliked that, and worked diligently to torpedo her career. Harassment at any job is unacceptable.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

@Taxman, just curious. Would you deal with that creep the same way if it happened today? Why didn't you report him and give him the performance review he deserved? He clearly went on to do the same thing to other women. What #MeToo has illustrated is that the bigwigs who abuse their power like this can experience their downfall if society as a whole has had enough of it.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Flirting is a romantic and/or sexual behavior - that is my opinion. For example, straight guys won't be flirting with other straight guys. Based on my opinion, if you are in a committed relationship, it is devaluing that relationship and it is disrespectful to the committed partner. Would you talk and act the same with a member of the opposite sex in front of your spouse's parents? Would you do it in front of your spouse?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

alte Dame: It was a different world back then, and admittedly, I regret that I gave him a pass. I could have killed his career right there, had I reported him. Unfortunately, I saw a younger married man, with a child. I had hoped that my actions that day would have discouraged future inappropriate behavior, but I was obviously very very wrong. I guess I am always looking for the better nature of others.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

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