# job offer away from my partner - what to do



## bluebellwoods (Jul 22, 2013)

I'm new here so I hope I'm posting this in the right place! I really need some advice because I'm super stressed about a job offer I just received in another city, 4 hours drive from where my partner is. It probably sounds like a short distance to many of you, but here's the dilemma:
We have a fantastic relationship for the past 2 years. We are totally in love, both in our early 30's and want marriage and children in the next 1-2 years max. However because of work commitments we weren't able to live in the same town as eachother until 6 months ago. It's been great - domestic bliss! But while he found a good, permanent job (practically unheard of in this country at the moment!) I haven't been able, even though I am well qualified. Slowly I started to feel a bit worried - what if I never work again? I spent years in college and opportunities for me are slim in the town where we live. So one day I applied for a random job in another city, I never thought they'd call and weeks passed and in fact I was relieved - moving away would uprooting and stressful. So of course, they rang, I did the interview because all my girlfriends told me to (I was secretly wishing I wouldn't get it) and, of course, I got the job. The thing is, its not well paid but it is working in the area I'm qualified in. It's a 12 month contract, so in theory I could move and then move back. But at the same time I'm disrupting our new lives together for a job that doesn't actually add anything to my prospects of finding a job in our home town. I'm totally torn and would REALLY appreciate any advice. On one hand our relationship has never been better, and I'm busy enough with charity work, doing the garden and settling into our new house. On the other hand I studied for years to work and I'm afraid I'll end up bitter or resentful or bored down the line. Help!:scratchhead:


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You need to decide for yourself whether you want to dedicate yourself to your career, or to your future husband and family. Obviously living 4 hours apart will either put your relationship on hold, or end it completely. And you can't even think about having kids while you're living apart.

If you choose marriage and children over your career, you just need to be at peace with your decision. Trade offs exist in every relationship. It isn't possible to do everything. You really can't have it all.

Either be happy as a wife and mother, or be happy as a career gal dating a man in another state.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Which is a higher priority for you? Your career or your relationship? Nevermind answering, your actions will answer truthfully. Personally I don't do long distance relationships so I'd be out if you left. But it sounds like your guy is perhaps a little more enlightened than me.


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I would not take the new job. Everything in you is telling you it's wrong - from hoping you wouldn't get the call, to hoping you wouldn't get the job. A job in your field is great and hard to come by. A great guy who you are crazy about - domestic bliss - who you love so much, is even harder to come by.

You are so lucky that you found this man. If you let him go for a job, then I don't think you have your priorities straight. Finding true love with a man who you want to have children with is like finding a gem.

If your guy leaves you, you might not find another man for years or ever. Early 30's is still young and you have the luxury with this guy to plan when you'll have kids. If you don't have a boyfriend or don't find one until your late 30's or 40's, having kids may no longer be an option for you, and you'll have thrown that card out the window for an OK paying job.

When you look back on your life, that job might not seem so important if you lose the truly most important thing to you.

How does your boyfriend feel? How does he feel about supporting you? Does he mind? Is your career/this job so important to you to choose the job over your boyfriend?

This is a battle between your head and your heart - you went to school, you want a job in your field, but your heart is pulling you very strongly to this guy. You have to go with your gut and your gut, in your own words, wants you to stay. Be at peace with that decision and try to get some kind of paying job where you are. I don't think it should be your field or nothing. Don't leave your guy. That would be your bigger regret.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Another thing to consider is how much you love your boyfriend. I know he's "Mr. Right Now," but is he "Mr. Right?" If you're seriously considering leaving him to accept a low-paying job elsewhere, how committed are you to him?


----------



## bluebellwoods (Jul 22, 2013)

thanks for all the replied guys. I value my relationship very highly and I totally agree with what you said about choices - if it was a choice between the job and my partner I would choose him. However I suppose I had thought that I could do this job for a year (its a 12 month contract) and then return home, perhaps safer in the knowledge that I had at least once worked in the area I had studied for. My female friends, many of whom have very good careers and who are either single or who haven't had to sacrifice anything (they live in a bigger city so can have both) all try to convince me to go...they fill my head with fears that I will look back and regret it if I don't, that it's my last chance to do something with my life and that the bitterness and resentment I might feel later on down the line could kill my relationship anyway. But my own heart tells me to stay, so it's such a hard choice. I had already decided, and I knew that to be here I would have to accept jobs in other areas or a new path, and I was actually happy with that, but its been such early days how am I to know how I feel once we're married? My partner is very supportive of me. He knows the sacrifices I made to move to be near him, and wants me to be happy. He says we can see eachother at weekends for a year and that if it makes me happy its not the end of the world. But I don't know if it will make me happy!


----------



## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Well, I won't tell you what you should decide. That's a choice only you can make.

But I will say that doing a long-distance relationship can be incredibly taxing. I have lived apart from my wife for a few months shy of three years, for work reasons, including nine months where we did not see each other at all. We go back and forth as much as possible but it's no substitute for being together. (Fortunately, all I have to do is make it to May and I am retired and we are back together forever.) It's tough and given the choice to do it again, I would refuse.

If you decide to try and make it work, daily contact is a must. Text, phone, Skype - whatever it takes. So is every ounce of physical contact you can muster; take every chance you have to get together, even if it slightly inconvenient to your personal (vice professional) routine. The benefits to your relationship will outweigh the hassle. Last, honest communication about what you're thinking and feeling. You have to let each other know when times are tough or when you feel you are drifting so you can correct course before it gets critical. In all of this, I simply speak from my personal experience. Others may see it different.

Whatever you choose, good luck!


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like if you choose your boyfriend, you need to discuss a long-term strategy. If there aren't many career options for you in the town where you live, you guys may need to seriously consider moving. That way, you don't have to choose him or the job. You should be able to do both, but it may take some adjustment and compromise.

If you choose the boyfriend now but don't ever have any good career choices down the road, you may end up resenting him which will kill the relationship just as much as long-distance will.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't think I'd take the job but I'm also not in your area.

I wouldn't give up a guy I want to spend my life with over a 12 month contract.

Long distance is VERY taxing on relationships.


----------



## bluebellwoods (Jul 22, 2013)

In terms of contact, its a 4 hour drive to our town from the city, so I would do this every weekend. In response to the suggestion that he moves, that's the problem, he can't. He has a farm that he's tied to, it's been in his family for generations. That's why he's so supportive of my leaving for a year - he knows that my decision to stay with him in this town is very permanent for me and he wants me to be 100% sure rather than have any regrets down the line. I would just be afraid of us going backwards, or drifting apart. Anyway, thanks again for all your helpful replies. I will have another sleepless night wondering what to do, I must let the job know tomorrow!


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've seen how this goes. You come back every weekend the first month. Then something comes up and you miss a weekend. Then it's every other weekend. Next there's a coworker you kind of like. Next thing you know you haven't been back in a couple months and you're trying to decide what to do about a holiday. This is the slippery slope that will spell the beginning of the end.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yep 4 hours is a LONG commute and that would get old real quick.

I used to drive to my grandparents (2 hours) every other weekend or so and I thought that was rough. LOL


----------



## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

Boyfriend sounds cool. He wants you to know what else is out there so you're sure you make the right decision if you stay. He's worth keeping. 

But so is the job. It's in your field and even if it's only 12 months, you'll be able to look for work during that time. Moreover, you'd have experience next time you look for work. You're young. Four hours isn't all that much. I don't know what your start time is but once in a while getting up at five a.m. isn't all that tough and you'd still have the weekends. If you had to fly or drive for an entire day, that's different but I don't see the time as all that great an obstacle.

Plus, if you're interested, the four hours is a great time to study. I actually learned a language working a job with a daily 90 minute commute each way.


----------



## boonefhh (Jul 22, 2013)

Trade offs exist in every relationship. It isn't possible to do everything.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The contract is a for a year. Army couples are split up like that as well. But then some don't last.

Management consultants sometimes do a week at the client site and the weekend home as well for months or years at a time. Do you think that you might be able to negotiate sometimes working from home? Also, as you say it doesn't pay very well, are you at least able to save something after the living costs are considered?

Is there any way that you can pursue your career remotely or online?

If you want to take this job for a year, perhaps this is a good time to discuss with your partner marriage plans and set dates, get engaged now. And also transparency. Having some agreement with these things could cut down on the chances for either of you to stray.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I personally think 4 hours is nothing and with no kids I would say go for it.........as long as he is supportive. If you had kids I would probably say no, but even then military families go without seeing a parent for up to a year and they manage.

If it weren't for my kids I'd encourage my wife to go find her dream job with the intent of me following behind when a opportunity presents itself.

Good luck!!


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

If you and your partner were not planning on kids within the 12 months that this contract runs then why NOT go for it.

You will be apart during the working week but telephone, text, Skype etc will allow you to keep up-to-date. You could take it in turns to drive to each other at the weekends or maybe meet up somewhere in the middle.

It’s not like you are doing a 12 month deployment to Afghanistan you can maintain daily contact and meet up every weekend if you want.

Long distance relationships can and do work if BOTH parties put in the effort.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It sounds like you're torn between the life you want and the life your girlfriends want you to have. That's a tough one. On one hand, you could spend every day with the man you love and build a life together. On the other hand, you could make your girlfriends happy by working a short term, low paying job.

I can't tell you what to choose. But I suggest that, if you choose to stay in your current city and devote yourself to building a life with your boyfriend, you should get new girlfriends who will actually support your choices instead of trying to badger you into behaving the way they think you should. Being a single, childless, career gal isn't for everyone.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'd choose the man and keep looking in your area for a job ...might take another 2 - 4 months to find something...but surely in due time... your answer will come. 

But really.. the best advice when you are torn....Pray about it....weigh the pros and cons on both sides...consider the emotional in this as well....how will you handle missing HIM , what this could do to your relationship.. the heart could grow fonder OR...the heart could get very lonely and reach out to another...

And then....wait for ...."*PEACE*"... if you have no PEACE with leaving......you find yourself tossing & turning at night- you can't sleep, you feel anxious ...you dread going (seems you didn't want the job before they called you - this is very telling [email protected]#$).... if these weigh on your mind heavily...this is NOT PEACE....don't do it...this is your spirit telling you it's not the right decision. 

Also never live through the desires of others (your Gf's).....you found this wonderful man, your relationship is thriving...  is not easy to find in this world today, some search a lifetime...... 

A place to work & earn $$ is surely easier to come by...in the scheme of living...over Romances that could enrich so much...you sound very happy / content right now.... being apart for a year can cause a divide - one of you could get too lonely , start talking to someone else... is it worth *the risk*.. ..do you feel your relationship can WEATHER this? 

Some can't do long distance relationships, especially if they are a "TIME" and "TOUCH" person at the top of their love languages, it would be excruciating to be without their lovers...almost painful. 

Why allow a year to be wasted... if you can afford your Bills....could always tighten the budget some...and just keep looking for a job that meets your distance requirements.


----------



## burgandycloud (Jul 26, 2013)

I just encountered this exact experience with employment 3 hours away from my husband. I accepted the job, it wasn't what I had been told about and I returned home.
Now. Personally, I feel better about myself working and also like you I have college/professional training and I enjoy my work very much. On the plus side of this situation, the distance will allow you to miss each-other more and therefore cherish the times when you do reconnect, there's always the phone, Skype, photos, etc, If your partner is supportive, and your relationship is strong, what do you have to lose, really, this may help you to grow closer and will definitely help you to figure out what is more important to you. I wish you the very best in what you choose to do and good luck to you.


----------



## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

You two seem like you are a great couple. Long distance is hard, but it is not impossible. I lived away from my husband before we got married for over a year. We were in different countries. I was fortunate enough to have the salary to visit every three months. We skyped everyday, texted, called a lot. Every time I came to visit, we just could not be separated for that week. Honestly, if your relationship is strong and you both are committed, take the job. Even if after the year you can't find anything close, you might just feel satisfied to stay unemployed for a while if it means seeing your partner again for longer than the weekend. 4 hours doesn't seem too long. You just have to make the other person your number one priority.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Huh.

I am reading a lot here. Keywords "Partner" "Six Months" "Domestic Bliss" "Couldn't work in the same town"

Want to know what I am NOT reading?

Engagement. Ring. 

This is a two year relationship which was already long distance if I am reading this correctly. Which means "for 18 months, I had absolutely no idea what this person was REALLY like"

So...being a bit of a contrarian here, would we advise a person to dump their future for a six month relationship...because that is what we are REALLY talking about here.

And as we all know...or at least I do, that first six months are pink lighted, camera filtered 'magic' where the other person can do no wrong and those things that will irritate the hell out of us 2 years out still seem like cutesy wootsey charming personal quirks....

If you dump this job, you are making a STRONG statement of commitment. Where is his reciprocal dedication? You are putting your support in his hands...and he has no legal obligation to you.

This is not to suggest you pressure him into anything rash. I am just adding some perspective as if you were my own daughter and I got a letter from her describing 'Mr. Magic'.

Still...a job doesn't keep you warm at night.

I tend to be a bit cynical so take this with a grain of salt.

BUT...on the upside, you know you are desirable. IF things fall out with Magic, you can move to find a job.


----------



## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Long distance relationship has never worked for me or anyone I know. Sooner or later someone else comes along to take your mind off the waiting partner. It is human nature and it is inevitable.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Currently I am working overseas and see my family only a few times a year.

Many people in India, the Philippines and other Third World countries are in the same boat.

It seems to be working for me thus far...but I also had a long period of time to establish a relationship with them. It is probably not good for a new relationship.


----------

