# Partner has a profile on a hookup website!?!



## Potosi1 (Apr 9, 2014)

My partner and I have been together 4 years, and have a 1 year old daughter. (I thought) our relationship was great. We are not perfect, but we communicate well, we love each other and enjoy each other's company. No major issues. 

I know he looks at porn online, fine. I've asked him to be honest with me about it, and that's it. We have a very open door policy about our phones, email, facebook, etc. I have nothing to hide, and he knows that I expect transparancy in our relationship. 

Well last night he came home from work and I picked up his phone to send myself some pictures of our daughter he had taken earlier that day, and I see that he has a Yahoo mail app. he has always used gmail, and apparentely it was an old acct he reactivated, because there were emails in there from 10+ years ago. There was only ONE recent email, and it was a "thank you for signing up for Instabang" email. this is CLEARLY a hookup website. He hadn't actually paid, so what he could see was very limited...some photos, and lots of popups encouraging him to pay so he could communicate with people. 

When confronted about it, he said he was curious when he saw a link to it on Twitter, clicked on it, and it gave him a username and password. I will say the username and password were generic, looked computer generated, but he had at least entered some basic info (zipcode, etc). He insisted that he was just looking at pictures, that he would never (of course) step outside of our relationship, but I find that hard to believe. There are TONS of websites you can look at to see pornographic images, video, etc....without registering, and that are not hookup sites. 

I'm floored, don't know what to do. Feel like a complete idiot, and I'm totally embarassed. I feel as though he was fishing...looking for something, and we have such an OPEN relationship. We talk all the time about setting boundaries, communicating our needs, etc. He says he's happy, that he wants for nothing, and I thought we were doing great. I don't know what to do. Advice? I don't want to be a fool.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please read my story through the link in my sig. My husband ended up signing up for hookup sites too, and more.

You SHOULD be very concerned here. There is no reason for him to have done what he did if he isn't looking outside the marriage on some level. He knew what he was doing and he did it anyway.

Could he have another phone you don't know about? Do you monitor his emails on his computer? Could he be communicating with other women at work? My husband chatted at work on yahoo with his 'models'. He also had a secret cell phone.

You and he need to draw the line in your relationship as to what is OK and what isn't as far as online porn. Looking at pictures and videos is one thing. But there's a huge slippery slope right at your fingertips that it's so easy to justify being sucked in to. How do you feel about one-on-one online sex chatting with or without pictures, for example? My husbands online porn usage led to just that, and he admits now that that was when he started cheating because he was looking for sex outside our marriage. The hook up sites led to exchanging emails and sex videos and naked pictures and finally to arranging meet ups.

I hope you have caught this at the beginning and that he hasn't gone past this one slip up. But you need to monitor things and make sure. It sounds like he MAY be taking this seriously, but these guys are SO good at hiding and lying that I am skeptical. Don't sweep this under the rug.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

One other note - our line now is that he does not look at ANY porn of any kind online. Magazines and DVD's are ok but NOTHING on the computer.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

If he isn't paying for yet, that's a good sign you caught it early. Using a secret email and the fact he is cruising profiles for pics of potentially local woman is a bad sign.

You have reason to be concerned, and hope that you caught it early. 

Logical progression is:
- Viewing pics on random porn sites
- Viewing webcams
- Viewing pics on singles / hookup sites
- chatting/sexting with webcam girls
- chatting/sexting with locals on hookup sites
- Meeting up with locals from hookup sites

one steps leads to another, and deliberate or not he was on the path. Sounds like the viewing of porn didn't bug you, but I advise you to puts some limits on it. Perhaps agree on what sites he can visit, or better yet, only view porn as a couple. 

If you have trouble discussing it with him without the conversation getting heated then MC would be advisable. Just to be able to discuss it. The more secretive you allow him to stay with his porn use, the more dangerous it is for you.


----------



## Potosi1 (Apr 9, 2014)

Thank you for your responses. I do not believe he has another phone, etc. We pay all of our bills out of the same acct, rarely have cash, etc. and I've looked through the 2 email accounts he has. I've looked through everything! His bank accounts, his facebook, his twitter, there is NOTHING out there but this website. UGH!! But I am definitely not going to sweep this under the rug. I am not a niaive person, one of the reasons we talk so much about setting boundaries, being open, etc. is because I come from a family where my father constantly cheated on my mother, and I know how much it could affect our daughter. 

I most definitely think this is a slipperly slope that leads to other things. Right now all of my instincts are telling me to run!


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Not trying to put thoughts into your head, but don't assume that he never has cash. I did the same with my WW and when she was in her A's I couldn't figure out where the money was coming from. Turns out that when she would go to the store for anything, she would always get $10-$20 cash back with her purchases. I never really paid attention to the receipts and more so just to the amount she was spending. I would never notice the extra cash and this way she always had cash that I was unaware of (never showed as cash on the back account info as it was rolled into the overall price of the store purchase, and no fees showed up as cash back with purchases generality never incurs a withdrawal fee). She could then purchase whatever she needed with cash and I was none the wiser (could be prepaid phone cards, phones, food, gas for her trips, etc).


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Be vigilant, and follow your gut. If this is a dealbreaker for you, then by all means end it. Especially if he starts changing his mind about how bad this is, or you find anything else.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

To me that could also be where it starts...curiousity, then just looking is not enough, then they want to actually meet someone, etc. etc.

That is what H did...he signed up for one or two of those sites and once they do that then they keep getting more invitiations to different sites. All the while BS'ing me that it was just curiosity and he had no intention of doing anything but just to look..yet he posted a profile with a picture...kind of alot of effort just out of curiousity IMO.


----------



## marty39 (Mar 20, 2013)

I tried few hookups sites, (here is "the list"). What is "sad" fact there? According to my experience 90% of members there are in some kind of commitment...

So, it is up to you what you will do, but I think that this is what you are talking happens very often.

Again, what I sow: most of them will tell you they are in marriage and just want to talk with somebody, but very fast you will get "invitation" to meet. So I really don't know which advice for you is good in this situation.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Potosi1 said:


> My partner and I have been together 4 years, and have a 1 year old daughter. (I thought) our relationship was great. We are not perfect, but we communicate well, we love each other and enjoy each other's company. No major issues.
> 
> I know he looks at porn online, fine. I've asked him to be honest with me about it, and that's it. We have a very open door policy about our phones, email, facebook, etc. I have nothing to hide, and he knows that I expect transparancy in our relationship.
> 
> ...


To be honest, I have clicked on a couple of these to see if there was anyone I know on the site. It never worked since I was not going to give any personal info at all. But I was curious, maybe he is too.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Potosi1 said:


> My partner and I have been together 4 years, and have a 1 year old daughter. (I thought) our relationship was great. We are not perfect, but we communicate well, we love each other and enjoy each other's company. No major issues.
> 
> I know he looks at porn online, fine. I've asked him to be honest with me about it, and that's it. We have a very open door policy about our phones, email, facebook, etc. I have nothing to hide, and he knows that I expect transparancy in our relationship.
> 
> ...


Yeah that's pretty much BS. To get a user name you pretty much have to click on the register button and fill in a few details to get registered.

Can you imagine a site generating random user names and passwords for every single person that just visits their site?

You're correct, there are literally hundreds, heck maybe thousands of sites he could have gone to for pictures. Hook up sites, those you have to search for. He's been viewing porn, hook up sites are the next logical step.

What is that that he's looking for when he searches for porn? A specific fetish? Certain type of girl? If he's a regular user then there is obviously something he feels he's missing that he needs to satisfy his urge. Get to the bottom of this because transparency or not he's now curious enough to sign up for one of these sites. Next time he'll create a fake email address and join without telling you.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

He registered on the site using an old email address he knew you wouldn't be checking, not his usual email address. 

He's not an 18 year old boy 'exploring' things. He's a husband and father. 

Why do people register on hook-up sites? Would you?

They say a spouse should never do anything they wouldn't do in front of their partner. He sure as hell wouldn't have done that while you watched. 

He is perhaps toying with the idea of having sex with someone else. Say nothing else to him now. Pretend everything is normal and snoop everything you can to see if he has been up to anything else. 

He's up to no good. Sorry.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sign up to the site yourself. And contact him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Sign up to the site yourself. And contact him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A good buddy of mine did something similar and got her to meet him at a hotel for a steamy one on one, whilst she sat in the lobby he moved her out and changed the locks on the house, guess she now has a lot of explaining to do to her folks


----------



## walkedon22 (May 26, 2014)

if he is even looking, or going to the site, you must be honest with yourself. There is no reason for him to even click on it. Would you? You have to face it. You are at the top of the hill, and you will roll down in a big way, if you dont take control of this now. It will only lead to more.


----------



## walkedon22 (May 26, 2014)

Thats a real trick they do, thinking they get by with it. At least my husband cant do that, because I handle all the checkbooks and bills. But, he does get money from somewhere. I havent figured that out quite yet.


----------



## walkedon22 (May 26, 2014)

wranglerman said:


> A good buddy of mine did something similar and got her to meet him at a hotel for a steamy one on one, whilst she sat in the lobby he moved her out and changed the locks on the house, guess she now has a lot of explaining to do to her folks


That is pretty awesome. Only wish I could get by with something like that. Its the lying that really gets to me. And its his easiness about lying. Its like a game to some men.
I dont know if I could do it, and would probably need help doing it, he's pretty sneaky and none of his friends would ever say anything. One thing about (some) husbands: they do all their running around while they are at work. Some of them have it made at work, and really there is nothing you can do about it. The cell he uses belongs to work, the computer. His truck is parked where you cant get to it, and he is behind locked doors early morning hours. He has it made. They can invite people into the buildings, etc. He can also take off any time he wants to, even last minute. Cheating shouldnt be that easy.


----------

