# Opinions on my situation needed



## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

This is my first post after reading for several months. I found out back on November 3rd, 2014 that my wife had an EA and PA. The recovery was going well during the last month after she read a book about helping your BS heal and she full committed and made several changes. There was remorse and compassion finally. We had communication and we began to reconnect on an emotional level. But like most WS she truth trickled to protect me and because she was a coward. She took off Saturday night and went to her mom house. Yesterday she finally admitted what I already thought I knew from reading several other posts on this site that they did have kinky sex.

We have been married for four years and together 10. Things were great until our daughter was born in 2012, and then something changed in her. I was the enemy all of a sudden and could do nothing correctly. I was always there to help with our daughter because she was always distant; I help cooked, clean just as I did before our daughter was born. As time went on, things went downhill with her, there were days where she was extremely nice, and other days where she had a stay out of my way attitude. Her thinking and reasoning went out the window and she could no longer communicate her feelings when there was an issues. I did talk to her about post-partum depression and the doctor suggested she had or should be test for it almost two years after our daughter was born, but she never got help for the issues. She also took an on-line test for what they are worth and it suggested she had cyclothymia and form of mild bi-polar which runs very heavily in her family. 

She is going to see a psychiatrist next week and now wishes to go to marriage counseling to try to make our relationship work and get back what we had. She is also reading “His and Her Needs”, and “Divorce Busting.” Her biggest issue is we have an emotional connection, but because she sees the OM as perfect, she has no physical connection with me right now even though we did have a great one at one point. She claims she has limerance and loves both of us equally, even though it is not a fair comparison and she knows it. I know she ended the relationship since I was there, she has reported all her where about, I have all email, cell phones accounts that I can check when I want. She even switched jobs, but she can’t get past the fog and realize that any relationship with loose the crazy lust and the drug induce phase. 

I am 95% sure I am done with her, because I deserve better and she has had enough chances. But for those who have been through infidelity, is it worth going to the counseling to make her a better person and to maybe save this marriage? Or to the doctors to see if something is wrong with her mentally? There have been changes on her part and maybe time is what is needed. I would like other people thoughts? 
Thanks you


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

she needs to get out of the affair before you can deal with her at all. I think you should file and contact the OM's spouse. That should at least push her off the fence. You can stop the D at any point, but why wait?

Do her parents know what she did?


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

The whole family knows everthing at this point and they have been a great support system to me. Thanks for the advice. Sometimes you just need someone who is not in the situation to help you get some clarity.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

If you have made your decision then 

full on 180 for your self
File for D
Explain to everyone why you have made your decision
Explain you will be there for your Daughter
Tell her she needs to get IC if not for her then her daughter
Expose the POS to his wife/GF

Is it because of the Kinky sex that has finally helped you make your decision ?
What was kinky sex as people have different ideas on kinky

You can always stop the D at any time if you change your mind BUT doing the above will
wake her up quickly
allow you to see what YOU want


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Questions...

How long did the affair last? How long did the physical component last?

Did she admit the affair on her own or did you discover it? And had it already ended on D-Day? If so, how long had it been over?

Who was OM... co-worker? Boss? Is she currently in contact w/ him at all? Was he or is he married? If so, has the affair been exposed to his wife?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

> But for those who have been through infidelity, is it worth going to the counseling to make her a better person and to maybe save this marriage? Or to the doctors to see if something is wrong with her mentally? There have been changes on her part and maybe time is what is needed. I would like other people thoughts?


This is personal bias on my side..and I freely admit it.

I really wanted to be able to end our relationship knowing that I had done EVERYTHING I could to save it.
Sadly, she took that from me as a means of spite.

Its worth it to discover portions of yourself. Always.

Maybe there IS something the doctors can discover and help with.

Im not trying to build false hope, but things can sometimes go right as well as wrong.

In the end, you have to do what is right for YOU.

For me, being able to agree that things were over instead of being told would have made all the difference to me.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

G.J. said:


> If you have made your decision then
> 
> full on 180 for your self
> File for D
> ...



For me it was the lying and repeated disrespect that got me to this point. You can only take so much before you are a doormat. I thought we were on the road to recover and maybe this is part of the process since she is coming clean finally, but it is time for her to get a reality check. 

They had anal almost right away.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Does she know that you are very close to calling it quits? If not, she needs to know - like yesterday. Without knowing more of the backstory, my guess is that she has not felt the consequences of the affair aside from guilt for treating you poorly. However, does she understand what she is risking with the so called limerance?

You made a point to mention she had kinky sex with the OM. Was that to illustrate that she lied about the sex being "bad" or not as good as it was with you, or is that an indication that she did things with him that she didn't or wouldn't do with you? The question is not about prying into your private life and getting gory details, it's to try to get an idea of what you may want to consider as a next step.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Does she know that you are very close to calling it quits? If not, she needs to know - like yesterday. Without knowing more of the backstory, my guess is that she has not felt the consequences of the affair aside from guilt for treating you poorly. However, does she understand what she is risking with the so called limerance?
> 
> You made a point to mention she had kinky sex with the OM. Was that to illustrate that she lied about the sex being "bad" or not as good as it was with you, or is that an indication that she did things with him that she didn't or wouldn't do with you? The question is not about prying into your private life and getting gory details, it's to try to get an idea of what you may want to consider as a next step.


Yes she does. I told her I was done and would be packing her stuff and would arrange for her to get it. I just don't think it is getting to her brain yet. She already ask to stop by tonight which is not happening. 

We have done all those things she did with him. It was more to show the hurt of her lying to me, and that she just did them right away with him. She said oursex was great too, but the connection was so much greater with the OM.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Is it worth it, I don't know. If I had this website available when everything went down with my wife way back when, it may have gone differently. That may have been better or worse, I will never know.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So....She's remorseful, says she loves you but finds the OM more physically appealing and won't touch you with a 100 feet pole.....

Most R has crazy hysterical bonding (even false ones). If she's not willing to meet your physical needs because the OM is perfect (btw, what is perfect, body, looks, or other things that I won't mention because it will trigger alot of people).

Time to let her go and see if she can figure things out. You're basically getting the ILYBNILWY from her right now. Back to plan B is what she's doing right now. I love you honey but we can't be physical yet because the OM is perfect and I miss that perfect physical aspect from the OM, WTF, really......

BTW, all these people going on with, well my spouse has this disorder or that problem....NO EXCUSE. I know of some people who have a certain disorders and they have never cheated.

Always, it's the alcohol, I've got a dis-order, aliens came down and put a ray gun to my head and made me cheat. BS, we're self centered SOBs who only give a rat's behind about our needs, plain and simple. There's no curing that, they have to want to change by themselves. No doctor or medicine will fix it.

If she won't commit 100% back into the marriage, send her packing with a size 12 to the behind. Let the OM take care of her and her problems. Why should you pick up her mess and do all the work.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Questions...
> 
> How long did the affair last? How long did the physical component last?
> 
> ...


The affair was a total of 4 months, one month physical. She wrote a letter to me, but could not give it to me initial. She kind of left it in the open for me to find it on my own. The affair ended on November 4, 2014. So last week would have been right at 4 months. He was a co-worker on a project and starting showing her tons of attention she said and she liked it because she has self-esteem issues and claimed she thought I did love her anymore since I did not tell her she looked nice everyday and notice everything about her like him. I could fight that until I am blue in the face to defend myself, but that is an unmet need to her. Assuming no more lying after yesterday, he was not married. They no longer work directly together, should have said she changed department in a large company and is currently look for a new job. She has only seen him twice at work that I know of since I have a insider there watching her.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

My thoughts;

1) I applaud you for trying to R and setting up ground rules under which you knew what you would tolerate and what you wouldn't

2) The trickle truthing is painful and you have every right not to trust her

3) The kinky sex physical affairs are one of the worst. Her doing things for him that she wouldn't do for you (assuming that is the case) is horrid.

4) She has cut you off sexually and has indicated that she loves you both equally. To me, that is salt in the wound and fatal to a relationship.

5) The best way to help her is to protect yourself and your child. Set her free. Make sure the D is amicable. But get a bulldog attorney, file first and control the outcome. 

I am really sorry you are here and under these conditions.

Ask yourself the following questions;

Why is she trying to save your marriage by conducting this R if she feels the way she does ?

Is it

1) She can't have this other guy so she's sticking to Plan B ?
2) Is she buying her time until things are better for her getting out ?
3) is she trying to cake eat ? You emotionally and him sexually ? Of course this wouldn't work. You aren't her roommate and best friend only, you are supposed to be EVERYTHING.

You can cut off the D at any point if you wish but staying in this false R for longer may just prolong your pain.

If you don't mind me asking, who is this OM, when did this affair start and how long did it last ? Did any of it go on in your home ? You don't have to answer these if they trigger you and the affair is bad enough but it will give a better idea of how deep this thing was and if it is recoverable


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

many of my questions answered while I was typing.

I hate the unmet needs argument. We all have unmet needs but that doesn't mean it's a hallmark card to go out and fvck someone. 

She turned high maintenance and I am sure if you had said all the right things, she still would have done it.

Big question for you. If you went away for a weekend with family and she stayed at home and this ahole showed up at your door naked but covered in a trenchcoat, what would she do ?? 

if the answer isn't, "tell him to leave or I'll call the cops", you have your answer on what to do next


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

A BS always has to primarily focus on the WS in dealing with the fallout of an A....after all, this is the person the are married to.

But I have a special hatred and revulsion towards POS AP's who target people who are obviously in depression or mental anguish of some kind, play that smarmy, comforter role and use that as an 'in' to seduce the BS into an A by providing "love","support", and "understanding"....you know, all the bullsh*t things most caught WS's throw out as things they were not getting enough of from their BS's for the 'why' of the A.

musk-rat,

Since you mention she switched jobs, I take it this POS was a co-worker.

I hope you exposed this scumbag to the employer and to his BS if he is M or has a gf.

Give this f*cker A LOT more to worry about in his life than trying to continue the A with your WW.

Plus if he has a BSO, he will undoubtedly throw your WW under the bus to save his own worthless a**.....your WW probably won't view him as so 'perfect' after seeing him blame the entire sordid A on her to his BW/gf.

IMO, there is a good preventative lesson here to for potential BSs....I know if I ever get M I will carry it with me.

The instant you first start to sense that your spouse is acting depressed or troubled, ESPECIALY if their was a recent trauma like a miscarriage or death of a close relative or friend, be on the lookout for any growing contact with a 'friend' who is there for him/her to talk to....watch that communication and contact like a hawk and NEVER give the benefit of the doubt or assume its just normal friendly support....always verify its on the up and up, and confront the POS the instant you start to notice their 'support' edging towards the inappropriate.

Sometimes these people will truly be just supportive friends...but always remember that the predator POS type will come wearing the same mask.

I have known a couple of people in my life that probably saved themselves from a world of pain by being proactive like this....early confrontations with the snake sent them scurrying along rather quickly.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

She took off to her mums?
You asked her to go or she went because ???

Why did she finish with him...your discovery or ?


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## Nawlins (Feb 25, 2015)

Musk-rat,
I’m all for MC, tried it for a while with my exww many years ago. Granted I’m only reading your side of the story, but so far I have not read anything that made me think you had a marriage issue. If she’s connected to the OM, if she’s suffering from bi-polar, if she feels in love with both of you, these are all issues she needs to discuss and attempt to solve in IC long before MC. 

She has to heal before the two of you can heal. In the meantime, I agree with others here that you need to plan for a possible divorce that is amicable to both of you. Take care of yourself and your daughter while she’s recovering.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Really only you can decide whether you want to make another go of it or not.

Some couples do work through it and are better, others never do and separate/divorce. Some couples reconcile for a time and then part ways. No two couples are the same.

I say, figure out what you want to do first and go from there (though it sounds like you said you're 95% done).


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

unmet need to cheat, lie, expose you to STD risks, pain and suffering. a need to be selfish, break her vows, act the ho.

thats one heck of a need.

this will help you define your new needs. they may or may not include her in your new life of happiness, responsibility, freedom and relationship to a new, younger, hotter babe who wont cheat.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

musk-rat said:


> Yes she does. I told her I was done and would be packing her stuff and would arrange for her to get it. I just don't think it is getting to her brain yet. She already ask to stop by tonight which is not happening.
> 
> We have done all those things she did with him. It was more to show the hurt of her lying to me, and that she just did them right away with him. She said oursex was great too, but the connection was so much greater with the OM.


To be clear, do you mean that you and she did them only AFTER her affair came to light (as in you hadn't done them prior to that point, though you may have requested them, only to be turned down) or that you'd _already_ done them prior to her affair?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

musk-rat said:


> Her biggest issue is we have an emotional connection, but because she sees the OM as perfect


But of course. Let her live with him for a few years, then she'll change her tune. He isn't "strange" any longer and she'd have to deal with the daily drama of life with him. Won't be so perfect then.




> She claims she has limerance and loves both of us equally


Bullsh*t. If she is cheating on you with him, she doesn't love you, and I don't care what anyone says about that.

You don't betray and hurt someone you love, much less keep on doing it.




> I know she ended the relationship since I was there, she has reported all her where about, I have all email, cell phones accounts that I can check when I want. She even switched jobs, *but she can’t get past the fog and realize that any relationship with loose the crazy lust and the drug induce phase*.


So my question is, why do you want to settle for someone like that? Someone that is too easily tempted by loose crazy lust, sex, etc?




> I am 95% sure I am done with her, because I deserve better and she has had enough chances. But for those who have been through infidelity, is it worth going to the counseling to make her a better person and to maybe save this marriage?


No, not IMO. Because what is to save? Save a marriage to continue on in life with someone you KNOW you won't ever be able to trust again. Besides, chances are in counseling, its going to get turned around on you, is my guess, and you will come away feeling even more punched in the face.

However, if there is an inkling of you that wants to try that route, then my question is....even if you think she is on the up and up, do you ever think you could trust her again? Do you ever think there is a time you won't trigger and get angry thinking about what she did? If the answer to either of these is "no", then my advice would be to seek a better life without her.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> To be clear, do you mean that you and she did them only AFTER her affair came to light (as in you hadn't done them prior to that point, though you may have requested them, only to be turned down) or that you'd _already_ done them prior to her affair?


My take is they did the same things, but it took years for her to do them with the husband, and she did them with the AP almost immediately.

So repugnant.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

altawa said:


> My take is they did the same things, but it took years for her to do them with the husband, and she did them with the AP almost immediately.
> 
> So repugnant.


That is correct. After our daughter was born the sex got really crazy and fun for awhile with all kinds of new things until we ran out of ideas. So what took me 7 years took him only 4 months.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

musk-rat said:


> We have done all those things she did with him. It was more to show the hurt of her lying to me, and that she just did them right away with him. She said oursex was great too, but the connection was so much greater with the OM.


that had to have caused a ton of hurt. I am sorry. Recovery from that is probably not worth the effort.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

G.J. said:


> She took off to her mums?
> You asked her to go or she went because ???
> 
> Why did she finish with him...your discovery or ?


Yes to her moms. She just freaked out and left when kissing me. 

Her "moral" finally got to her. 

Thanks for all the replys. Papers will be getting filed tomorrow and I am actaully starting to see a positive future. I just needed a sanity check. I know the road will still be hard at times, but I have too much respect for myself and my daughter to have a person like this in my life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

musk-rat said:


> That is correct. After our daughter was born the sex got really crazy and fun for awhile with all kinds of new things until we ran out of ideas. So what took me 7 years took him only 4 months.


Uhhh... how soon after your daugther was born...?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> because she sees the OM as perfect, she has no physical connection with me right now even though we did have a great one at one point.
> 
> She said our sex was great too, but the connection was so much greater with the OM.
> 
> But for those who have been through infidelity, is it worth going to the counseling to make her a better person and to maybe save this marriage? Or to the doctors to see if something is wrong with her mentally?


*I would divorce her and then tell her that you may take her back if she proves that you are number one in every way and that she clearly sees that the OM is not perfect; she must prove that for years not just months.* In addition, she must prove that she fully realizes that the OM was a person that did not care if he hurt her daughter. The OM helped your wife put a huge resentment in the marriage and kill deep love and that will hurt your daughter. The OM helped your wife destroy the possibility of your daughter having a mom and dad that deeply love each other with respect and loyalty.

*Your wife traded in loyalty, trust, and her daughter seeing how deep love works in marriage so that she could get her sex excitements.*

It is worth it to have her go to counselling and to doctors so that she can get better because she will always be your daughter’s mother and for your daughter’s sake it is best that she have a mother that gets better. IMO


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

Twice in a car and twice in a hotel room


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Twice in a car"

Classy guy...no wonder she thinks he's perfect.

I think if a WS continues to view their AP with such adoration despite facts like this, they may very well be too stupid to consider R'ing with anyway.

I'd be afraid the dumb might rub off.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Do a paternity test.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

On another front, if you want to her to see what OM is really like, give him a call. Suggest a meeting, tell him you're on your way to the office, etc.

The sight of him panicking and running like a scalded dog will really open her eyes. Plus, he'll drop her like the play-thing she is, and look for one that's easier to manage.

I think your plan of filing for D is good. Keeps you in control. Affairs are no fun in the light of day. She's a silly, selfish, immature woman. The POS OM just has new car smell. He's a rat inside.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

I love the new car quote. I actaully used it one her:rofl:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

musk-rat said:


> She said oursex was great too, but the connection was so much greater with the OM.


I believe a cheater's word filter switch shuts off when they speak during reconciliation. No, a cheater shouldn't lie, but there are many lest hurtful things to say than the above sentence.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Musk

I think you need to file.

It signifies to your W that you will not be Plan B.

Focus on being a good coparent. 

Because your wife has some issues Musk. And her Affair has very little to do with you if at all.....

HM


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

My response would be relatively simple.

"I won't stand in the way of anything that great. You two were made for each other."

Then file for divorce and push for to end quickly while she still in the fog.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

karole said:


> Do a paternity test.


Yep!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Road Scholar's wife was cold as ice in false R. You might read his thread. Filing for divorce sounds like a good idea. I agree with Farsidejunky. Make it light liberation. Don't lat your heart out there for her to stamp on it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

musk-rat said:


> Things were great until our daughter was born in 2012, and then something changed in her. I was the enemy all of a sudden and could do nothing correctly.


Does your wife have any history of being sexually abused, or other childhood trauma?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Bullsh*t. If she is cheating on you with him, she doesn't love you, and I don't care what anyone says about that.
> You don't betray and hurt someone you love, much less keep on doing it.


Exactly. The reason she says she loves you both is because she's like a monkey. She's not going to turn loose of one limb before she has a firm grasp on another. Like my uncle, preacher Jock would tell you, "forgive her and forget her my son".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling for both of you, you both could benefit and maybe you could save your marriage.

Or at least work well together as co-parents.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its been the experience here that people in affairs do not have sex with their spouses as a rule (not always the case for different types of affairs) because they have fallen in love with their affair partners and having sex with their spouse is tantamount to cheating.........on their true love.

When women freak and try to save their marriages, their typical behavior is to have fantastic sex as often as possible with their husbands. Its called hysterical bonding, both partners trying to reclaim their mates.

When the cheater refuses sex its almost always because the affair has gone underground. If that's not the case here, it might just be a first. In any case still in the affair or not, she is still in love with her posom and not you. She might love you like a brother though.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Just my humble opinion. One thing: unless she totally denounces the POSOM, and everything he stands for, you don't have a chance. "A house divided cannot stand."

I've been in R for over 2 years, but I was ready to walk out on day one if she would have even hinted she had any feelings at ALL for the POSOM. I won't be plan " B " and I won't compete for my own wife, period. I will do everything I can to make my marriage work except that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Chaparral said:


> When women freak and try to save their marriages, their typical behavior is to have fantastic sex as often as possible with their husbands. Its called hysterical bonding, both partners trying to reclaim their mates.


This is so true.If this was not the case for me and my old lady she would be down the road.

In short if your old lady doesn't want to phuck your lights out, then get rid of her!

Stay the course brother...you'll find a chick that can't keep her hands off you.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

musk-rat said:


> Yes to her moms. She just freaked out and left when kissing me.
> 
> Her "moral" finally got to her.
> 
> Thanks for all the replys. Papers will be getting filed tomorrow and I am actaully starting to see a positive future. I just needed a sanity check. I know the road will still be hard at times, but I have too much respect for myself and my daughter to have a person like this in my life.



good for you brother.

Keep us updated. Challenges are ongoing


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

You tried and gave it your best but the mental, emotional and physical exhaustion that living with a spouse who had an affair, can be tremendous.

Do help your STBXW with the IC so that she can become a healthier person and a better mother to your child.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

'She said she thought I didn't love her anymore.'

It's amazing how often we read that here. And never - I mean never - does the WS actually ask the BS, 'Do you still love me?' before heading off to cheat.

To me it's one of the most mind-bending justifications for an affair. The WS could imagine any circumstance to justify - 'She thought I was a serial killer, ' or 'She thought I was a bigamist.' How about, 'She thought I was a woman in a man's body'?

Seriously, any supposition works when it's all in the head of the WS.

And these things often manage to make the BS feel somehow responsible.

You sound resolved and strong.

She will quickly regret what she has done, but you won't regret your decision to D, I am sure.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> 'She said she thought I didn't love her anymore.'
> 
> It's amazing how often we read that here. And never - I mean never - does the WS actually ask the BS, 'Do you still love me?' before heading off to cheat.


Even as a fWS, I've got to say that it blows my mind every time I read a BH's story, where he reports that his WW has stated (but, only after the A is discovered, of course) that prior to the A, she didn't think her BS loved her anymore, she thought the marriage was already over, or she thought they were both very unhappy with the marriage; but the BH is completely shocked to hear this and says that he had no idea that his wife felt that way. He often reports thinking that they were, in fact, very happily married. 

I'm just going to say this. I did ask my husband if he loved me. I did tell my husband ILYBINILWY, a solid 18 months before my A ever began. I did beg, plead, demand, and finally threatened my husband that if he didn't start working with me on improving our marriage that I would divorce him in a couple more years, as soon our youngest graduated from high school, and we could get our financial situation in order. I did tell him that I would have passion and love in my life with or without him. I did tell him that I wouldn't wait until we were divorced to move on if he didn't start moving forward with me. Still, NONE of that justified my A. 

The point I am actually trying to make is this. No one, who truly wants to save their marriage, as I desperately tried to do before my A, just makes assumptions that big, assumptions about their spouse not loving them, about them being unhappy, etc., without talking to their spouse first. Your marriage should be the most important thing in your life. No one would ever just walk away from it, without doing everything within their power to save it first, if they truly loved their spouse. 

If your WS spouse tells you, after D-Day, that they didn't think you loved them, that they thought the marriage was over, blah, blah, blah, yet, you had NO IDEA about any of it, it is because they are lying through their teeth. They are simply trying to justify their A. One thing that B1 has never said on TAM, was that he was unaware of the deplorable state of our pre-A marriage, or that I had failed to communicate my feelings and intentions to him. No one, who truly desires to save their pre-A marriage, would quietly walk away, without first putting up one hell of a fight.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> *The OM helped your wife put a huge resentment in the marriage and kill deep love and that will hurt your daughter.
> 
> The OM helped your wife destroy the possibility of your daughter having a mom and dad that deeply love each other with respect and loyalty.*
> 
> *Your wife traded in loyalty, trust, and her daughter seeing how deep love works in marriage so that she could get her sex excitements.*


:iagree:



Cause his is so perfect!


.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She is going to see a psychiatrist next week and now wishes to go to marriage counseling to try to make our relationship work and get back what we had. She is also reading “His and Her Needs”, and “Divorce Busting.” Her biggest issue is we have an emotional connection, but because she sees the OM as perfect, she has no physical connection with me right now even though we did have a great one at one point. She claims she has limerance and loves both of us equally, even though it is not a fair comparison and she knows it. I know she ended the relationship since I was there, she has reported all her where about, I have all email, cell phones accounts that I can check when I want. She even switched jobs, but she can’t get past the fog and realize that any relationship with loose the crazy lust and the drug induce phase.


They are in contact. They found ways to keep in contact. She is acting like she is trying out of guilt, make you take the call to finally end the marriage instead of her. She will soon get together with him.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> They are in contact. They found ways to keep in contact. She is acting like she is trying out of guilt, make you take the call to finally end the marriage instead of her. She will soon get together with him.


:iagree:

Her actions seem to indicate that the affair merely went further underground.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why did the affair supposedly end. If it is over, I get the feeling he dumped her. The way she's acting, she is either still in the affair or is carrying a torch for him.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> They are in contact. They found ways to keep in contact. She is acting like she is trying out of guilt, make you take the call to finally end the marriage instead of her. She will soon get together with him.


I agree. If not, her feelings for this guy wouldn't be as strong. It's time to let her go and follow through with the divorce. Good luck today with your appointment and I am sorry that she turned against you a while back. Unacceptable !!!


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> Why did the affair supposedly end. If it is over, I get the feeling he dumped her. The way she's acting, she is either still in the affair or is carrying a torch for him.


She claims she realized what she was doing was wrong and would destroy her family. I agree he got what he wanted and dumped her, or it is still going on and I can't get proof. When we last spoke, she was still trying to play the victim card with me. Regardless of the true story, I will be in a better place once all this is over and she can be with someone just as selfish as herself if that what she calls a good relationship. I am going to take what I can get since she is willing to not fight for much right now and run. I will try to keep everyone posted as this plays out.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

musk-rat said:


> She claims she realized what she was doing was wrong and would destroy her family. I agree he got what he wanted and dumped her, or it is still going on and I can't get proof. When we last spoke, she was still trying to play the victim card with me. Regardless of the true story, I will be in a better place once all this is over and she can be with someone just as selfish as herself if that what she calls a good relationship. I am going to take what I can get since she is willing to not fight for much right now and run. I will try to keep everyone posted as this plays out.


good luck, keep us posted


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> They are in contact. They found ways to keep in contact. She is acting like she is trying out of guilt, make you take the call to finally end the instead of her. *She will soon get together with him.*


Yep, OP you are still being played. She wants out and you are doing it all for her. She "plays" R, pretends remorse, and gets out on your dime. Within a week of the Ink Drying, she will be setting up shop in OM home.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

musk-rat said:


> She claims she realized what she was doing was wrong and would destroy her family. I agree he got what he wanted and dumped her, or it is still going on and I can't get proof. When we last spoke, she was still trying to play the victim card with me. Regardless of the true story, I will be in a better place once all this is over and she can be with someone just as selfish as herself if that what she calls a good relationship. I am going to take what I can get since she is willing to not fight for much right now and run. I will try to keep everyone posted as this plays out.


I asked earlier and some one else has about when it came to light, did you discover or did she admit and who dumped who?

You will be in a better place as even now reading your posts you come across as eyes wide open and thinking straight at an early stage which will stand you in good stead in the months ahead.

When her head clears she will possibly come bawling back with true remorse which at the moment for what ever reason hasn't registered

Just concentrate on the 180 your D and your self
Make sure people are aware WHY you are filing if you do
Don't be afraid to tell them the acts she did 'kinky' with the POSOM supposedly with in the 4 times only encounters ........which is a bit of a stretch.....I doubt it was 4 seriously in a month and doing what she did!!

Head up and look forward to the future as it will get better


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

RWB said:


> Yep, OP you are still being played. She wants out and you are doing it all for her. She "plays" R, pretends remorse, and gets out on your dime. Within a week of the Ink Drying, she will be setting up shop in OM home.





RWB said:


> Yep, OP you are still being played. She wants out and you are doing it all for her. She "plays" R, pretends remorse, and gets out on your dime. Within a week of the Ink Drying, she will be setting up shop in OM home.


maybe but really, what is his loss ??? There is none. 

Scenario 1- Even if she is playing him, he shouldn't even consider going on in this marriage with a woman that deceitful and one who has a propsensity to cheat. So he should break up. Muskrat 1 WS 0

Scenario 2- Let's say she really did break it off. The fact that she feels the way she does will make Muskrat's life a very hard one where he will always reflect back on his wife and this 'perfect man'. He didn't ask for this and he deserves better especially since she is still in this 'fog' so much longer afterwards. Again, he should break up. Muskrat 2 WS 0

I could care less if he's being played. He already has enough justification to move on with life. ares if she ends up with the OM ? Let her. Those 2 deserve each other, Muskrat deserves better. She doesn't have the balls to dump him ? If I was in his shoes (and I was at one point) , I would be more than happy to step to the plate and finish things off. Why live a life that he is going to with her ?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

G.J. said:


> I asked earlier and some one else has about when it came to light, did you discover or did she admit and who dumped who?
> 
> You will be in a better place as even now reading your posts you come across as eyes wide open and thinking straight at an early stage which will stand you in good stead in the months ahead.
> 
> ...


very good point. Make sure others know the truth.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Ok, Musk-rat. Good luck. Let us know how things go for you.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

I found out by a letter she wrote me because she initially asked for just a divorce out of the blue one night. Then I got the "I love you, but not in love with you line." So I knew something was up then. After the shock and my head cleared I told her I need the real reason, so she wrote the letter, but never gave it to me. She just left it were I could find it on my own is how I found out. 

The only time she cried we had a problem in the relationship was we needed to spend more time together. So we started running together again and playing like we use to. That last for about a month until she has some excuse to do other things. That was really my only indictor.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> Just my humble opinion. One thing: unless she totally denounces the POSOM, and everything he stands for, you don't have a chance.


Yes, that would have to happen. The problem I have with that, however, is denouncing someone just like themselves. To me it would be disingenuous.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

Guess she is in panic mode now or the reality is slowly hitting her. Got an email stating what she wanted to get for her future apartment when the time comes. She claimed she would read anything that I wanted her to read, she was going to go get her help, and that I could feel free to email her marriage help, and how much she gets her hopes up when she gets and email from me, which has only been for the discussion of day-care. I guess when she see those papers it might really hit her. She is also going to tell her family tonight. I am starting to think she got dumped once she told him I was leaving her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You may never get that truth, musk-rat. And it will eat at you, especially if you choose reconciliation.

That is one of many factors to consider in this process.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> “…how much she gets her hopes up when she gets and email from me, which has only been for the discussion of day-care.”


Your statement above tells you that she is in panic mode. Telling you that she gets her hopes up about you with one email about day care is a manipulation attempt; she is desperate now.

Be prepared for the tears and emotional demonstrations of how much she is remorseful. You will get some satisfaction by her showing remorse and telling you how stupid she was to betray you. *The bottom line for you is that you need to follow through on the D and if you want you can let her prove to you, for years, that her remorse is real.*

Your wife has taken her emotional and physical affections away from you and given it to another man. In addition she sees the OM as perfect. That has got to cut real deep into your whole being. Her remorsefulness, if real, is not enough right now to take away the huge hole in your heart. In addition to being remorseful your wife must realize that the OM is not perfect and that he did not care one bit as to how much he helped your wife hurt your child. If he OM was anywhere near perfect he would have never joined your wife in betraying you, the marriage, and your child. *His motive and your wife’s motive was pure selfishness without any regard for the marriage or the innocent child.*

Your wife has to realize that the OM and her selfishness have reduced their integrity, trust, and loyalty. Your wife is a weak woman and at this time I would suggest that you protect yourself and get a divorce and then you can decide if you want to allow her to prove to you that she has truly reformed. *Even if the tears and the other emotions are real right now, those things alone will not prevent her weaknesses from hurting you again in the future.* Years of actions and proven reform by her are your best plan for you to decide to remarry her. She may be able to get a very much needed band-aid on your deep pains right now but do not think that you can get a lot of your pain resolved in a few months. She must deal with her deep integrity issues and her love for you has to increase a lot.

*Help your wife as much as you can as she is your child’s mother but be very resolved to be totally convince that your wife has substantially improved her weaknesses.; that will take years of her proving by her ACTIONS!* Your wife does appear to have taken some positive steps to improving herself but she has a long way to go. She has damaged herself and the marriage a lot!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

musk-rat said:


> She claims she realized what she was doing was wrong and would destroy her family. I agree he got what he wanted and dumped her, or it is still going on and I can't get proof. When we last spoke, she was still trying to play the victim card with me. Regardless of the true story, I will be in a better place once all this is over and she can be with someone just as selfish as herself if that what she calls a good relationship. I am going to take what I can get since she is willing to not fight for much right now and run. I will try to keep everyone posted as this plays out.



Incredible clarity. That is what you absolutely need.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

musk-rat said:


> She said oursex was great too, but the connection was so much greater with the OM.


If you want to get a divorce move fast to get good terms. She in the affair fog and it will not last, especially if the OM rejects her. Tell her that you just want her to be happy. FILE NOW!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

musk-rat said:


> Guess she is in panic mode now or the reality is slowly hitting her. Got an email stating what she wanted to get for her future apartment when the time comes. She claimed she would read anything that I wanted her to read, she was going to go get her help, and that I could feel free to email her marriage help, and how much she gets her hopes up when she gets and email from me, which has only been for the discussion of day-care. I guess when she see those papers it might really hit her. She is also going to tell her family tonight. * I am starting to think she got dumped once she told him I was leaving her.*


Yes, the ol' pump 'n' dump.

Now, magically, it all wasn't worth it and she wants you back.

Tell her if she really does truly want you back, she will not fight you on the D. She will live apart from you for one year. Then and only then will you reconsider dating her again.

Oh by the way, if she has a relationship of ANY kind with another man during the year, she's made your choice for you. No.

If she takes your up on this offer, I'll bet that she's seeing someone else with in three months after the D. If she stays true and works on herself for the entire year, the worst thing that will happen is she's a better person after all this.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> Telling you that she gets her hopes up about you with one email about day care is a manipulation attempt; she is desperate now.


Fully agreed. This is manipulation.

She's appealing to your heart, now suddenly she's looking forward to your emails..whatever happened to loving both you and OM?

She looks forward to emails but won't touch you with a ten foot pole? Freaks out when she kisses you?

Stay the course but be prepared for a ramping up of trying to manipulate you and getting you to change her mind. She'll put you through the ringer with the jedi mind tricks


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

I plan to stay the course. She tried all kinds of stuff last night she dropped off our daughter. She told me how much she hates herself, that she is going to get the help she needs to fix our family. I just told her action speak louder than words and until she got help nothing would ever change. Then she had to prove it to me. She also tried to guilt me about having to start over and that she was homeless now that I made my decision to divorce her. I just polity told her that was all on her and she made that choice for herself. She also said she could not believe that I was the one who gave up on the relationship since I was against divorce. Again I just told her she made that decision that much easier for me to make and that I deserved to be with someone who respects and loves only me. Then the water works started as she was leaving. You guys called her actions pretty well.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

musk-rat said:


> ....Then the water works started as she was leaving. You guys called her actions pretty well.


There's a script, you see. Experienced people here (sadly, there are many) have seen it before and know how it plays out.
On the plus side, IF she chooses the honest reconcilliation path, there's a possible future. IF. And if you you want it too. But be strong, and do what you do for the right reasons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

musk-rat said:


> I plan to stay the course. She tried all kinds of stuff last night she dropped off our daughter. She told me how much she hates herself, that she is going to get the help she needs to fix our family. I just told her action speak louder than words and until she got help nothing would ever change. Then she had to prove it to me. She also tried to guilt me about having to start over and that she was homeless now that I made my decision to divorce her. I just polity told her that was all on her and she made that choice for herself. She also said she could not believe that I was the one who gave up on the relationship since I was against divorce. Again I just told her she made that decision that much easier for me to make and that I deserved to be with someone who respects and loves only me. Then the water works started as she was leaving. You guys called her actions pretty well.


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## JAG101 (Mar 19, 2015)

Did anyone recommend a paternity test for the daughter? It seems like it would be a good idea.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

I already have one on the way. She went the psychiatrist yesterday. They just gave her anti-depressants.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

musk-rat said:


> She also said she could not believe that I was the one who gave up on the relationship since I was against divorce.


This is where being a nice guy can backfire on you. The WS thinks they are working with a net. By that I mean they won’t get caught and if they do their BS will never leave them. It’s like having an insurance policy. That’s why the 180 is so important.

*The following is from another website:*

**********************************************

Originally Posted by BetrayedH 

Some people do use the 180 as a strategy to try to make themselves more attractive to the wayward spouse, to lure them back.

Most people will tell you, though, that the 180 is really for you. It is not a game. The idea is to actually begin to detach and live your life for you, not for her. She has chosen an affair and you have chosen to move on. So you need to demonstrate that with actions. 

You no longer hang on her every word. In fact, you don't care about her words because you are worried about yourself. You don't beg or plead, you don't make expressions of love, or talk about fixing the marriage. You don't really talk about hate either. The opposite of love is not hate. Hate implies that you still care and that she has power over you. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. 

You need to respect yourself. And the way you do that is by not accepting unacceptable behavior. The 180 gives you an appropriate response. You turn your back on that unacceptable behavior and you focus on yourself.

It is true that sometimes doing the 180 and filing for divorce is sometimes a show of strength to the wayward spouse that is very attractive. Personally, I suggest you just use it to help you to respect yourself. 

Many betrayed spouses are just so shocked and devastated that they sit and cry, and beg and plead. That is very damaging to an already damaged ego. And it's wrong because it puts the wayward in a position of power when they've been holding the cards long enough. 

So, do a 180 of that.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

How goes it musk-rat?


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

It has been good. She is still at her mom's house and I have our home. She agreed to everthing in the divorce so that has been nice thus far.

I have been pretty happy myself doing things I have missed doing over the years. Been looking at some other homes that are smaller with more land for me and my daughter to enjoy. Just ready to move on and live life. 

I still have been going to IC and reading various book to improve myself and understand things better, but overall I am happy and content right now. 

Now she has been playing the victim card about having a hard time finding a place to live. Her mom even said her standards are too high. She is still going to counceling and say she is not ready to give up yet, but she knows I am moving on without her. Her family is also very upset with her, and they have been very supportive during this process and respect my decision. 

Bottom line is she needs a lot of help still in her understanding of how relationship/marriage should work. I hope the OM has fun with her years down the road if he keeps her that long.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

musk-rat said:


> It has been good. She is still at her mom's house and I have our home. She agreed to everthing in the divorce so that has been nice thus far.
> 
> I have been pretty happy myself doing things I have missed doing over the years. Been looking at some other homes that are smaller with more land for me and my daughter to enjoy. Just ready to move on and live life.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you are doing well. You are far stronger than I am.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

musk-rat said:


> I hope the OM has fun with her years down the road if he keeps her that long.


It's usually highly doubtful that the OM sticks around for very long, after the BH send his stbxw/OM squeeze packing.

The thrill is gone, the chase has ended. Now he has the bad(constant contact) with the good(sex).

He hasn't "bought the cow" yet, but he'll tire of her grazing in his pasture. He wants the "free milk", not the moo. 

When he finally cuts her off completely, you can expect one of two things to happen. A) She starts pressing full court for you to give her a last chance, or B) She'll start playing the field.

Be prepared for the "A" to happen. Be %100 sure that you made the right choice to D if the "B" happens.

You're doing great btw. I hope that you stick around TAM for a while, after the D. Your experience and input would be highly valued around here.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm glad that you've decided to move on. You deserve a better life than with a cheating woman. You are unlike many of the posters here who chose to live in purgatory on Earth because they have children. I see some of my friends whose lives slowly ebb out on them, staying in their unhappy marriages.

You have great courage to cut the ties that bound you to your cheating wife. Do not ever settle to be "Plan B". I wish you only the best.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

Thanks everyone for the support. TAM has been a big help in my decision to move on. It has not been an easy one, but in the end I have to do what is best for myself and daughter in the long run. 

My wife knew my stance on cheating before we got married and there would be no second chances. Despite that, I did try to R and feel I have done everything in my power to, but it take two to and she was unwilling. I have no regrets walking away now. 

I plan to stay on TAM and hope to share my story with other in similar situations and provide them the same support that has been provided to me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Good. Keep posting. You are demonstrating strength that other BS'S need to see.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Musk---Rat
> It has been good. She is still at her mom's house and I have our home. She agreed to everything in the divorce so that has been nice thus far.
> 
> I have been pretty happy myself doing things I have missed doing over the years. Been looking at some other homes that are smaller with more land for me and my daughter to enjoy. Just ready to move on and live life.
> ...


*Your mental and emotional state at 4-months+ is the best that I have seen in a very long time!!*

Going to IC to improve yourself and get better understanding is a sign of tremendous balance emotionally and mentally. Your wife will realize that it is 95% her responsibility to get better. She will need help but it will be her that has to face the consequences and take the right ACTIONS! You cannot take away from you getting better to help her do what she has to do for herself. You can give her encouragement when appropriate but your 100% priority right now is yourself and your children.

You are already much better in mind and emotions than your wife and her future is going to get harder as yours will get better. IF she takes the right actions then eventually she will get better and that will be good for your children.

She was probably a good wife at one time but when you have betrayal and choose another person over your spouse the way your wife did then she will see the reality of the damage and destruction. This damage goes on for years if not decades. I hope someone will see the reality of infidelity on this TAM forum and choose to not get involved in any infidelities. A person that gets involved in infidelity is either weak, has poor character, purely selfish, or a masochist! The bottom line is that nobody gains and everyone loses for a while. A person like Musk—Rat can wind up better in time but the cheater will have a much harder time becoming better.

Musk-Rat, because you are a good guy you will be soften if or when your wife gets into true remorse. *Just remember that you will never be able to trust your wife 100% and that you have to protect yourself and look out for yourself.* It is obvious that the one you trust most did not have your best interest in her heart.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

It has been about a month now since I filed, so I thought I provide everyone with an update and needed to vent a little. Everything on my side has been going good. I have had only one down moment that last about 30 minutes. Everything is progressing with the sale of the marital house, and I have been pre-approved for the potential future homes that I have looked at. 

This next part is for future reads that doubt the advice on this forum.

Several people motioned the affair had gone underground in prior posts. I never have been able to prove this and finally decided our relationship was over. Last weekend me and my brother-in-law did some motorcycle riding and he started telling me that my STBX 's mom is about ready to kick her out for lying to her about the affair. I told him I appreciated the information, but that was between her and her mom. The next day her mom calls me out of the blue and asked why I finally filed for divorce. I explained my reason about the constant lying, no remorse and I still felt the affair was on going. To my surprise, she agreed with everything I stated and told me how my ex is never home when I have our daughter, she will not even give her mom a reason for her actions other than our marriage did not work out, is dressing sexier, she has a weekend trip planned with someone at the end of May, and she never talks about trying to fix or save our marriage. She went on to tell me that she gave her to the end of the month to move out and that she was going to confront her for her dishonesty and demand the truth. 

I just wanted to share this information with hopes it might help others move on quicker when advice is provided on the forum and accept their current situation. 


I have been amazed at some of the things she has said to me or tried. Everyone is correct when they tell you about the cheater's script. For such a smart women, she sure is acting dumb right now, or thinks everyone else is dumb. These are just a few of them, but it is clear she wants me as a Plan B. 

1. She told me I filed for divorce to quickly and should have allowed her more than two week of separation to collect her thoughts. 
2. She told me her therapist said she was "shell socked" and would not full understand the consequences of her action until she lived on her own.
3. I asked her not to bring any dates to my home if she needed to pick-up our daughter for at least a year if she still had any respect for me. I told her I would do the same in return. I have no plans of dating for awhile, but as soon as I said this she tried to guilt me with the water works. 
4. No matter what I say, or how I say it. I am being mean. 
5. She can't understand why I don't want to talk to her unless it pertains to our daughter. 
6. She also does not understand why my family does not want to see or talk to her right now.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Great update, brother. 

I understand this was probably for you as much as others reading this, but for the latter, updates on her manipulation attempts would be very educational as well.

Keep doing what you are doing. While what she is doing is straight from the cheaters script, what you are doing is textbook for how to respond.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)




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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

musk-rat,

Good update.

Your MIL sounds like a good woman....I wish more parents of cheating POS's would take a no tolerance position with their kids like this.

Instead we see too much enabling of crappy WS's by their parents and relatives.

And I think the stupidity of cheaters would be very funny if it wasn't for the fact it is so infuriating at the same time.

The things they say and do are simply amazing when you stop and think about them.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

muskrat

Good for you. Never allow her to make you Plan B.

Also never be your Ex's friend. She does not deserve you to be.

You can be a great coparent and a great Dad.

Your MIL sounds wise.

I think the boundaries you stated are smart.

Sadly, I doubt your ex will follow them.

HM


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> 2. She told me her therapist said she was "shell socked" and would not full understand the consequences of her action until she lived on her own.


The consequences are just now starting to show up:

1	Mother throwing her out of the house; she will be homeless.

2	Will be confronted on being a liar and a cheat by her mother

3	She will have to face the fact that her actions are the reason that you will not talk to her and her family does not want to see her.

4	Loss of trust from the most important people in her life


*Future consequences:*

5	Financial problems

6	Emotional problems

7	She is responsible for her child suffering the consequences of a broken home.

8	Her betrayal was the cause of her child not having full time with the father (Musk-Rat)

9	She will discover that a good and smart man will not settle for a cheater that would sacrifice her marriage and child’s stability for her selfishness and ego. A weak needy man may hold on to her because he is desperate. What decent man would want a woman with such low character?

10	She has now made it a LOT harder for her to have a good marriage and contented life.


The therapist is right the cheater does not fully understand the consequences because she has chosen to ignore them so that she can justify her betrayal and continue to feed her selfishness. However, your wife cannot avoid the reality of what she has done. Her consequences will come to visit her someday. 


*Musk-rat, keep building yourself up every which way you can. Your child well be just fine with a strong and good daddy.* Your wife will cause your child to suffer but you will be the child’s salvation later in life.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

musk-rat said:


> It has been good. She is still at her mom's house and I have our home. She agreed to everthing in the divorce so that has been nice thus far.
> 
> Now she has been playing the victim card about having a hard time finding a place to live./QUOTE]
> 
> She can go live with POSOM!


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> musk-rat said:
> 
> 
> > It has been good. She is still at her mom's house and I have our home. She agreed to everthing in the divorce so that has been nice thus far.
> ...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

One of the biggest lessons in this thread is to force wives with post partum depression to get help. This has occurred many times here. Its like after giving birth , a mother turns on her husband like a junk yard dog.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

It is finally over. Everything was official yesterday. She tried to come back twice, but I stayed the course and even caught who I thought it was mowing her grass one day at her rental house. She claimed she was paying him. I am sure she was "paying" him. He can have her. I got everything in the divorce plus some extra stuff I did not want that I can sell to get some extra cash. I even got asked out a few times while the process was going on. Decided to pass on the offers, but the sky seems sunnier these days. 

I see a lot of post on Karma, I guess it got her last night when she hit horse poop on her motorcycle, went down and broke her foot and got bad case of road rash. I am glad she is OK for our daughters sake at least.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Good for you.

What now?


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

I have the house. I am going to sell it and buy and smaller one with more land than I have currently. I have gotten back into off-roading, more focus than I had been on weightlifting, and just making new friends lately. Starting to realize how toxic she was. Myself and my daughter also have been doing all kinds of stuff together that her mom never would do with us.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

musk-rat

I'm sorry for what you had to go through. My wife had a workplace affair and they are very difficult to break unless the spouse quits. You seem to be doing well, and that is great, I hope you and your daughter are finding peace and happiness. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You handled it well. Decisive. Good job in a bad situation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Reading back through this thread makes me wonder what all the fuss is about anal sex?

"Wow! The opportunity to place my male member in your s**t? Honey, that sounds like SUCH fun!"

Really? Fun?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Musk-rat take the time now to mentor newbes to this site. It will help them but also help you to continue to heal.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am so happy for yo,because you deserve someone who will love you and you will have a happy life without your wife,trust me on this one my friend.

Your mother in law seems like a good woman,so stay in contact with her,not because of your ex but because of your daughter.


Best luck for you my friend,grettings from EU

Stay strong


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

musk

Glad you can move on now.
How have your inlaws been treating you lately?

HM


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Read the first post, upto the part about limerance then fast forwarded to the last page. Can't say the outcome wasn't inevitable, classic cake eater who used all the BS excuses to keep OP hooked.

The problem is, you've got children and she's in your life for good. No doubt at some point she'll be back when she hits her bottom and things don't go well.

Make the demarcation lines very clear from the outset, even to the point of the way you communicate with her. Mother of your children, that's all she is. Any pally, we can be friends stuff and she'll be trying to weasel her way back into your life when she needs a pick up or when you settle into a relationship with someone else.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Musk-rat*
> It is finally over. Everything was official yesterday. She tried to come back twice.


WOW, she is starting to crumble faster than I thought. She probably needs Musk-Rat’s ability to support her and provide her with a home. Maybe she has other reasons but the support from Mush-Rat has to be at the top of the list.

Her consequences are already showing up and they are not going to get any better soon! *The damage to her is now permanent so I hope someone can learn from this thread.*





> The consequences are just now starting to show up:
> 
> 1 Mother throwing her out of the house; she will be homeless.
> 
> ...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Always good to read a happy ending....


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

happyman64 said:


> musk
> 
> Glad you can move on now.
> How have your inlaws been treating you lately?
> ...


Her mom moved to New York with her new husband and has been staying out of the picture now. She still talks to me every now and then. All she has said was "she will regret her action on day" and more or less said her daughter was an idiot. 

Me and her dad talk once a week, still work on cars and things like that, nothing has changed between us and he still treats me like a son. The same with her brother. 

She tries to still engage me at times about work, and what I have been up to, but I just say "not much" and let the conversation die. The only time I will speak to her is for our daughters sake and if has become very clear our daughter does not like her mom very much. I never speak about any of this with her, or speak badly about her mom and all interactions are civil. She is only 3. I think people are right, kids figure things out pretty quickly on their own. 

Thanks for the support everyone. I hope to provide guidance on the site for others.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes kids are smart. 

And they grow up fast.

Keep being you. That is all that matters.


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