# what a horrible weekend...



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

so on thursday night i was using my hubs phone and found a video of a naked woman he had downloaded... 

i handed him the phone and said, "baby, what is this?" he said "i dont know"... he came outside where i was smoking and said he had no idea where it came from.. maybe his friend had put it on there.. to which i responed.. what the hell kind of friend downloads videos of naked women on someone else's phone.. "I dont know" was again his answer. he made a pathetic attempt to make up with me by trying to get some... but i was so disgusted by the whole thing i went back on the couch. 

friday i went to work, came home and crashed... i heard him come home and he went straight to the couch. i left. being in the same house with him just made me sick.. i came home late and slept on the couch. saturdy i went back to work and came home and heard him skyping with someone. so i locked myself in our 2nd bedroom and fell asleep. eventually he came in the room and hugged me and told me he missed me so much and he loves me so much... blah blah.. so i gave in and slept in the bed with him. 

today we didnt really get along that well.. we were going to a movie, but i said something that pissed him off so he just drove us back home. i went back to the spare room. only an hour later he came in and said he missed me again. 

there's still no explination about the naked woman.. no resolution. 

i know there is a lot of division about how people feel about porn and masterbation, so for me its not acceptable behavior in a marriage. i have tried hard to keep my hubs entertained enough so he wouldnt even be tempted, but i've apparently failed. 

so here are my ultimate feelings. like i've said i've tried really hard to keep my hubs entertained... new positions, new locations, outfits, sexts.. pretty much anything i can think of. i'm at a point where i dont see the point in making any effort with him at all. and if that's the case, then what's the point in continuing. its a situation we've had before and he knows my feelings.. and he just doesnt care.. so why should i? i go to work, cook, clean, laundry.. for this bastard to yanks on himself when he sees an opportunity? i've lost a lot of respect for him.. and i'm not sure he can earn it back. the sex we had today was PATHETIC. i wasnt into it AT ALL... i can feel my attraction for him in every way diminishing. any thoughts?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Hi OP, not much talking going on here is there? Lots of anger, avoidance and resentment but not much talking. 
Have you really discussed this...without shaming him...otherwise he'll never open up to you... do you think he feels 'safe' talking to you about this...or are you going to yell and get upset?

Have both of your views and opinions on porn been the same all the way through your relationship? I mean has he always known where you stand and what is acceptable?

I hate porn...
The times when I know he has looked at porn I was so turned off by the thought..... he was never getting anywhere near me.... it's certainly a subject that polarises people.
Blah!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Just curious if it would make a difference...
Was it commercial porn or a video that he may have taken?
And would that matter?


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

well, in our old apartment after i was upset.. i went out and bought a dildo, and i left it on top of some clothes so he could easily see it. he brought it up and i told him the only reason i bought it was because i wanted him to feel what i felt. and he said it made him jealous and creeped out, so he promised he would stop. we threw away the dildo together with "our promise" that we wouldnt do anything like that anymore. 

since then i know he's slipped up a little, but for the most part, i think he's been doing better. but no.. its not an easily approachable subject for either of us. and frankly, we've had the talk about it so many times i'm not sure there's a constructive way to go about it. 

he's had a rocky past with that kind of thing with me. he used to have secret email accts and email hookers on craigslist. i dunno if he watches it anymore, but he was watching incest porn for a while. 

i wouldnt call it comercial porn... it was of a woman outside naked, but it looked like it was taken with a phone. but it was taken in a foreign country, so it couldnt have been taken by him.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Ah...the secret emails to hookers change things somewhat..
I imagine I would demand 100% transparancy in everything in that case.

It's also ok for you to have your boundaries. I sounds like you've been pretty clear about them all along.

Good to keep working on those communication skills though. I find talking in the dark, cuddled up in bed makes some of those awkward conversations a little easier.
I might also tell him.." I feel silly or embarrassed talking about this...so please be gentle on me" to lighten the mood somewhat.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Some people like porn so just get over it because your husband is one of those people,its a naked woman on a screen for god sake why are you so insecure,you even feel his hand can replace you. 

He could be an Alcoholic,druggie,gambler,womanizer or any of the rest and his little thrill is to look at Naked woman so be happy and don't make him hide it.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

All I can say is that there is a disconnect here. I understand why you would feel porn is inappropriate, but I don't really get why masturbation is a bad idea.

I'm picking up a bit of an attitude where you feel the effort you put in should be enough to satisfy him. But, have you asked him why he is not happy? You've tried everything you can think of, but that approach supposes you understand his preferences and / or do not have any hangups in the bedroom.

My ex made a similar claim, but that was within a conceptual framework of what she deemed "appropriate". So, she might try a few positions, but oral, role playing, frequent sex etc. were out. The rationale was "it's wrong / dirty". If pressed she would argue she did everything she could, _as long as it was "good". _Not saying this is you - just offering a suggestion.

The bottom line is that the standard for marital sex is generally high. Moreover, by objecting to even masturbation you are committing yourself to a very high standard of performance. You might think your H snuggling up and telling you he misses you is a tacit admission of guilt (that tends to happen) but I see someone who is clearly communicating he does not feel close to you. In guys, this generally comes from a lack of sex.

If you were to shift the paradigm from "I'm doing XYZ and he should be happy" to "tell me what is missing from our sex life and I will figure out a way to meet that need" you are very likely to see the focus you seek. OTOH, just giving what you want and expecting him to make do is a recipe for failure.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I agree with waiwera, a lot more communication needs to take place.

So does your husband feel that he is free to come to you for sex w/e? Or does he feel that sex with you is almost a source of contention in the marriage?

If the later he may just be tired of coming to you for sex, for yet another cold shoulder from you or a begrudging attitude. In which case he's a lot more prone to do what you don't want: watch porn.

If you want him to drop the porn, you have make him feel desired by you. Not talking about you acting like some sex starved porn model, I mean just that you love and desire him. If he does't feel that, he is a lot more likely to get satisfaction elsewhere.


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