# Finding yourself



## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

I know there are some of you here that have worked on this......any advice on where i should start? 
I feel like I am so gone from myself i don't know what makes me happy anymore, if that make sense. :scratchhead:
I don't know where to start either. 

Also how to work on my mariage while going through this process, or should I put that on a back burner? 
As each day passes I feel less conected to him. 
I don't feel like I can make myself care anymore, but not sure which way to turn.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

For yourself - are their hobbies that you use to like/do that you no longer are interested in? I know for myself getting back into past interests helped recenter myself.

For you marriage - what type of things did you do in the beginning that made you feel close? Is there any interests that you both share that you could take classes about or do together?


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

First off, you can not MAKE yourself care any more, it is not something that can be forced. You either do or you dont care for him. I agree with TNgirl, you should try to find something that both you and your husband like or want to do, and do it together if possible. Do you have the same interests?

As for you...you cant really make a relationship better with anyone unless you are happy with yourself, or you will find yourself just coasting through life. You havent really given us much to go on, like do you have kids? that often takes you away from yourself because you are so busy playing the MOM roll that you lose a part of who YOU are. Do you work? If you work in a job that makes you stressed or unhappy, thats not healthy either.

Make yourself a list of what you want to accomplish for YOU, and pick at that list one at a time. But make sure the list is realistic for the most part. Do something that will benefit ONLY you, like go to a salon and get a manacure or get your hair done.

I was having a self esteem issue because my husband used to tell me I was wrong about everything..so, I started researching the topics he would tell me I was wrong about and prove HIM wrong...this was great for me. He soon learned that he cant BS me any more, and it was a very important lesson for me to learn also.

All I can say is you should find some time to focus on YOU and only you. Try it for a day, or start out with just a couple hours of a day.


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

We have one kid, a toddler, and she saps a lot of mommy energy =)
I am trying to teach her that I am not at her beck and call 24/7, there are some things she can do for herself.
I do work, about 45 hours a week. It is a good job, I am not jumping fo joy to go all the time, but I don't hate it either. 
The rest of my time seems to all go to D and H.

A list of things I want to accomplish is a good idea, I will have to 
try that one.

I am having self esteem issues because I am feeling rejected by my H a lot. This is kind of a new emotion for me to have to deal with. I used to be pretty confident, too confident at times. 

I am not sure if we have any shared interests or not anymore, lol.
We are going to have a talk tonight. We definately did not take care of our relationship after D was born. I would say the first few years I was not very nice and nurturing to him.
Then I kind of had a wake up call and have been seriously trying to put forth the effort. One problem is everything I do, i jump in full force. 
So the last few years the majority of the time I have been doing whatever for them. This oviously is not working well for any of us.


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

Sprite said:


> First off, you can not MAKE yourself care any more, it is not something that can be forced. You either do or you dont care for him.



I do care. I guess I worded that wrong. It is more like I put up a wall I guess, or ignored that emotion and turned it off for now in fear of getting hurt more.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i can tell you whats happened. one minute you felt ok and then suddenly you woke up and the emotion button suddenly felt switched of in your brain and you cant turn it on again.
but what your feeling are actually issues and emotions that you have not felt n e control over for some time. this has not been something of a short nature to make you feel like this.
i am going through this exact same process.
i dont feel in love with my H at the moment. 
i think the key here is, time . 
your emotions wil b gone for some time. so far my button has been switched of for about 4 months.
i am even at the point where if worked sacked me, i wouldnt care.
im at the point if my H were to go, i wouldnt shed a single tear.
but the best i think you can do for yourself, is stay calm and communicate calmly with your daughter and your H.
explain how you feel.
do your daily duties and dont fight them. just do them, simply because your stil a good wife and a good mother.
i know your busy and maintain that . 
but you also need to get out. you need a night out with a girlfriend .
your emotion button wont come back straight away. 
but dont give up on your marriage just yet.
i made a promise to myself, out once a month with my brothers or mates from the farm or work. 
and once a month atleast we sort the children out and have a night to ourselves.
this is so important.


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## AnnLovesJohn (Dec 16, 2008)

You should go find some fun activities to do on your own and with your friends so you have some time to think and find yourself and think things out about your marriage.


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

Don't fret, you are not alone, I'll explain why.

When I got out of high school, it seemed that all of my friends settled down, got married and started having children soon after. I didn't, but not by choice. What I noticed though, 10 years or so later, these same people getting divorced and what is going on is simple. They found themselves, and who they are as adults with firmly established perspectives and priorities were no longer the same person they were when they got married. So, in a way, growing into their own individual state.

You are just starting to figure this out and it's frustrating, the only piece of advice I can give you is to add into both of your schedules time together for activities both can enjoy. This mutual interest should not be limited to only one thing, but span many and there are a great deal of really nice things the both of you could do together that both will find interesting, so the words here being, broaden your horizon.

You don't worry about rekindling the old as much as sparking up a new path and direction "both" of you can move towards and grow closer due to the mutual interest.

You mention being mean to him when you first had your child, scars are formed when one most dear to you lash out in this way, and even though it may not seem like as much to you, it may require extra tlc to help him fully heal, so keep this into consideration in that area.

It's good you are not happy settling with indifference, and just letting things be, it shows you care, that is a very good trait too many people do not have these days. You can make it work if you want to, otherwise, letting things go, the obvious path is divorce and starting a new life with someone that's more compatable down the road if you are lucky.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

Years ago, twice I fell into deep depression.
It was horrible. But I forced myself into getting back into doing what was "me". I thought back to times when I was happier, and what made me feel that way...
It was telling jokes, doing arts and crafts, etc.
I didn't "want" to start doing them again at first, but I kept trying, and slowly I began to see the joy again in doing them.
So think back to when you were happy with yourself, and happy with your husband, and start doing some of those activities again!


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

Thanks for everyones advice. I am slowly starting to feel like me again!
We have found some activities to do together to strenghen our bond. And I am also doing things on my own that I enjoy. 

I saw the same pattern with my friends OldFashionedGuy, that is why I waited until my late 20ies to settle down and have kids, maybe this is my mid life crisis lol


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

I am glad to hear you are working at this. Best of luck to you! 

One piece of advice on being MOM tho...you feel like you have to give your child)ren) every part of you..that is not true. If you do everything for your kids, they become spoiled and expect more from you. You are right to let your daughter do things for herself! It will make her a stronger more confient person when she grows up.

Keep doing things together, dont stop when it feels like you are back on the right track because you will only fall into the same rut again.


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