# No passion, ever.



## amalfi55 (Mar 22, 2010)

So I have tried seeking advice from friends and family but when you want to maintain a positive image of your husband and your relationship it is extremely difficult to do so. I am in desperate need of some advice. I have known my husband for almost 5 years. There was an immediate connection when I first met him, the first time that I knew I was in love with somebody, almost immediately. I was physically attracted to him, and I figured he was as attracted to me. When we started to become intimate, I realized there was no real passion. He had never been with anyone and at first I figured that was the problem, but even years later, nothing has changed. 

When we got into a heavy argument once it slipped out that he was not really physically attracted to me. That was a massive blow to the heart. But he eventually said he was just lying because he was mad, but he never actually said he thought I was attractive after that. He has extremely strong morals and beliefs, and he truly never lies to me, so I became so confused. 

Nothing has changed, there still is no passion. We are intimate when HE wants to be intimate. It is also very robotic almost and to be honest, I never really have a sex drive anymore. I used to have a healthy, strong sex drive, before I met him. Every time I try and make things more intimate or set some romantic night up or something, he shows no real interest. 

Another issue is that when he thinks that I am not "behaving correctly", he becomes very verbally abusive. Calling me names, saying horrible things about me and family, the list goes on and on. I cannot believe a man that loves me is able to say these things. Afterwards he always says its just his temper and hes extremely sorry for the things that he says, but he still makes it apparent that I am the one "not acting right". I act myself, to be completely honest. I get emotional or stressed sometimes, but its natural and I am human. 

Basically, I trust my husband, I love him, and I always thought that was all you needed to maintain a healthy relationship. Am I wrong thinking this? Any advice I would greatly appreciate.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

amalfi55 said:


> He has extremely strong morals and beliefs,
> 
> Nothing has changed, there still is no passion. We are intimate when HE wants to be intimate. It is also very robotic
> 
> Another issue is that when he thinks that I am not "behaving correctly", he becomes very verbally abusive.


 Sounds like your husband is VERY religious - To the point of hurting you, feeling you are His when He WANTS you only-sexually , feeling he has to correct your "human" behavior. That only rightousness can be accepted in "his" world ?? 

Sometimes I think Religious High moral people , as they are growing up, are taught a bad view of sex, that PASSION is somehow wrong/dirty/too worldly, so they try to fight it , repress it , some manage to do this an entire lifetime. And it hurts terribly in marraiges. This is not God's design. 

How much of what I am saying may be playing a part in his Behavior towards you ? He probably hates himself when he gets angry & lashes out, it becomes an endless cycle because he is afaid to embrace his own *humanness* (whether it be the good >> sexual Passion or the Bad >> Anger), easier to judge someone else.


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## amalfi55 (Mar 22, 2010)

He is not a "religious" person I would say, but he is very "spiritual", you are correct about that. He was raised in another country, different culture, different norms. I used to think that it was his beliefs that held him back, but lately I have been so confused I don't know what it is. I don't if it's just the person he is, but then I realize that all humans no matter how you were brought up have the same instincts deep down. He has to feel attraction towards women, but why not me? 

Also, lately I've noticed that he is constantly drawn back towards his own culture, including the women. I always seem him looking actresses and famous women from India up on the internet and things like that, and I think maybe I found the issue. I think he is attracted to women from his culture, and maybe he just thinks he fell in love with the person I am. I'm not ever conceded or anything, but I know I at least have a pretty face, maybe not the best body but I've even done portrait modeling before, and I can't figure out why my own husband wouldn't find me attractive. 

It's been bothering me to the point where I've been getting really depressed and it's all I really think about. Sometimes Ill even present him situations in which a husband would usually tell their wife she's beautiful or something. He never does. Even the few times in our relationship that he has, it's almost in a joking manner, and I really don't like it. He's told me that appearance doesn't make a difference to him, but I know that's not true because I've seen the way he looks at women from his culture. 

I know I'm rambling but I'm just extremely confused and I need some type of advice of how to talk to him or guidance, I'm totally lost.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Spiritual - Religious, for some , it means the same thing, for others ,they have differnt meanings. 

I would just start by being really openly honest with him, noone else can answer these questions but him. As his wife, you have a right to know , to want to be desired by your husband. Just tell him you are aware that he is seeking out other women from his culture on the internet, that this makes you feel bad, inadequate, this hurts you inside , you feel he is not attracted to you. If there is something he is looking for in his sex life, that you want to be that for him - if you can. Ask him to help you understand what is happening with him. 

Let him know *you *desire PASSION, ask him if this is something he also wants to strive for in your marraige, to work towards. 

Or have you done this already?


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## amalfi55 (Mar 22, 2010)

Thank you again for the advice. Unfortunately I have done this already and he doesn't seem to ever want to talk about it. He just tells me that it's not necessary for him to say things all the time and that he is passionate. So I don't know if he really thinks he is being passionate or what. I brought up the fact that he looks at women from other culture and he said that he looks at men, women, anything, every once in a while because he doesn't want to loose that part of him. That does make sense to me, but I really don't know. 

Just going to try either try a new approach now or come to terms with the fact that that is how he is and nothing can really change that.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

You might consider taking and having him take the Five Love Languages assessment by Dr. Gary Chapman. (You could probably get the book at the library if you want, but you can just google to find the assessments.) People give and receive love differently and it really helps to know what your partner interprets as love. For example, he might make you dinner or get your morning coffee to demonstrate his love for you, while you would rather he told you how pretty you look or to kiss you more often. If passion is something you need, you need to see what he can do. If he is unwilling to change you have to decide if it's something you can live without forever.


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