# What Are Acceptable Limits on Facebook?



## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

I'm new to the whole Facebook thing and I know there has been some discussion on this forum regarding the subject. I'm just looking for some insight from any of you Facebook techies on warning signs. My wife set up a Facebook account recently and it has become her obsession lately. She insisted she started the account to connect with friends and family. For the most part, this seems to be true. I left her alone on this for a couple of weeks but started to notice she was spending a significant amount of time on our home computer. Every time I pass by her on the PC, she's on Facebook. Out of curiosity, I hopped onto her Facebook page and noticed that she's built up a large number of friends in a rather short period of time. Most of these are legit family and girlfriends, but there are a few guy friends that don't make any sense to me. One of the guys keeps inviting my wife to play these little online games. He also "pokes" her and squirts her with a squirt gun (Facebook terms). She responds back to him with cute little comments. It almost seems like they're flirting. She claims that she's just being friendly. Am I overreacting to this, or is it something I should continue to monitor? Also, are there other forms of Facebook communication that I should be concerned about? I know you can chat on Facebook, but is the chat history saved? Any other warning signs? Advice from others would be much appreciated. Thanks!


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Yeah, that's cyber flirting...keep an eye on things...it can quickly lead to an EA...and if he's close, a PA...

Facebook is evil...so is MySpace...

Preacher


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

Are there particular places or links on Facebook I should navigate around to look for potential signs inappropriate flirting?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

If you have access to her account, that should be all you need. And if you don't then you should...if there is nothing going on then it should be an open book for her.

And don't buy that "you must not trust me" guilt crap.

Keep an eye on things...

Preacher


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm on both Facebook and Myspace, and I have mixed feelings about both. I really only have old friends and family on the accounts anymore, mainly because we live at least 500 miles from most friends and family.
Let her enjoy herself, UNLESS it starts taking time away from your relationship, or she seems to "need" to be on there. As far as chat history, if she does not automatically delete the chat, it will still be there next time she logs in. My H has access to any and all of my accounts, knows who is on there, and also KNOWS he has no reason to worry. I also will freely hand my phone over to him at any time so he could look at my TXT messages, call history, etc. 

Some people do get hooked on FB or MS....but not all of those who do cheat. There are some darn addictive games on FB that I pass the time with all to grequently at work, but no harm no foul with the type of work I do. As long as i'm here and my job gets done, thats all they care about. I never go on the computer at home, simply because when I am there, its time to be with my family, and I dont want to take their time away from them.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I was on myspace...dumped it to much spam.

I am on facebook.

If she was flirting she would be getting private messages.

but the poking and other things everyone does that, I actually find it annoying and don't respond to those things.

she had to know the person ahead of time, you just can't add random people, it goes by your actual name and they have to accept you as a friend.

So she knew this person ahead of time, are they local or far away? 

My wife has a TON of people I have no idea who they are, old college and HS friends.


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

I have FB and my husband has my password to it. I do not like texting, phone are for talking not typing. The only texting I do is to my girls when they are in school and what to tell or ask me something, anybody else better call me or will not hear from me (I hate typing on the phone, keyboard to small and confusing)

I mostly have family (they live in a different country) and HS friends (who also are in another country the majority of them or in another state), the poking and stuff is quite annoying and like GAS I do not respond back, but if your W has nothing to hide, then she would show you everything with no problems.

I do not spend my day or night away in Facebook either, I go in during the day to check my girls doing, and review any messages I might have from family, mostly 10 -15 minutes a day. during the evenings I have no time to sit in the computer, house shores, husband and kids. It is not an addiction to me, but it probably is for your wife, ask her to please minimize the time she spends in there, specially at home so the 2 of you can have some couples time and see how she reacts. 

good Luck


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I have the facebook Ap on my Iphone...I am on it 24x7...becuase it notifies me when ever I get a message


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

If she's like me, I found Facebook really addicting to start with. I told my husband he had to get on it, and he did, but by then the newness wore off for me and I forgot about it, then he became addicted.  Now, I mostly loathe it. But it could just be the newness of it and it will wear off. 

I always liked Myspace much better and it brought me job opportunities (unsigned bands needing cheap graphic design) but now it's too much like Facebook. Blah. 

Just keep an eye on what she's saying. If you don't have access to to her account, then you're only getting part of the picture. Not that I particularly subscribe to the idea of having all access to your spouse's account. My husband and I don't have access to each other's FB or email. We do share some things, so we both know the password but we're still separate entities from each other, so we don't need to share absolutely everything. Unless a point needs proving, I don't see the point. But that's totally our preference. 

Are you seeing any other reasons outside FB that you should worry?


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

So if she's using the chat function and clears her messages, she can communicate with other guys without me knowing? Right? Is this the same as Private Messaging?


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Yes... FB has chat and it's own internal email system.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

nightshade said:


> Are you seeing any other reasons outside FB that you should worry?


My wife and I have had some pretty heated arguments during the past few months. We've worked hard to improve our marriage after these arguments, but I suppose she could always be looking outside our marriage for an EA if she's simply not happy. Hard to say.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

nwguy111 said:


> I suppose she could always be looking outside our marriage for an EA if she's simply not happy. Hard to say.


Interesting article on a subject that has come up here lately.

Virtually Cheating – An Emotional Affair | Lifescript.com


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> So she knew this person ahead of time, are they local or far away?


This particular person is a local acquaintance. Certainly not a person my wife or I know particularly well.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

It’s so easy to get swept up in the obsession that is facebook, a few of my friends have had the very same problem and can’t seem to stay off of the site for long. You do build a friend base very quickly, it’s like a chain reaction after you add one HS friend. 

I don’t think you need to go all out and monitor her activity. Why don’t you start your own account? When you do you link up with your spouse and you can see what’s going on publicly that way. Personally, I don’t think this guy would be doing these things publicly if it were anything more than friendly chatting, they would take that to private messages. 

Is this infringing on time that the two of you would ordinarily spend together?


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

WantsHappiness said:


> Is this infringing on time that the two of you would ordinarily spend together?


My wife spends most of her time on Facebook when she's at home and I'm at work, so it really doesn't infringe on our time together.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well on the facebook chat, I always clear the chats it because it will save the chat and reload it next time I log in, so unless you want pages of logs...not worth keeping around.

bottom line do you trust your wife?


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> bottom line do you trust your wife?


I've always trusted my wife. Facebook is a whole new world for me, though, and the fact that I've witnessed some unusual activity leads me to wonder what's going on. If I hadn't seen the flirtatious comments, I would have thought nothing of her time online.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

nwguy111 said:


> My wife spends most of her time on Facebook when she's at home and I'm at work, so it really doesn't infringe on our time together.


That's good at least. If she were choosing to spend her time on facebook instead of with you I would say you should be concerned. 



nwguy111 said:


> I've always trusted my wife. Facebook is a whole new world for me, though, and the fact that I've witnessed some unusual activity leads me to wonder what's going on. If I hadn't seen the flirtatious comments, I would have thought nothing of her time online.


Have you told her how these comments make you feel as opposed to saying the comments sound flirtatious? I’ve read some of your other posts and realize that this may not be easy to accomplish but if this is the only reason you have to doubt her I’d say it’s worth bringing up in a non-accusatory way.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well guys flirt with my wife all the time and I know she flirts with her customers, part of dealing with them.

But I fully trust her, I am not worried she is going to run away.

I have some friends that are Facebook addicts, I bust their chops because they are stay at home moms and all day on the facebook playing the mafia wars and vampire games.

Really you need to sit down with your wife and go over your feelings.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> well guys flirt with my wife all the time and I know she flirts with her customers, part of dealing with them.
> 
> But I fully trust her, I am not worried she is going to run away.
> 
> ...


I get you. Communication is key here. In my wife's case, she's not a flirtatious person, so this type of behavior is uncharacteristic of her. I'll deal with the communication part. What I was seeking from others were the types of behaviors on Facebook which could be considered flirting and where on the webpage these might be hidden.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Just from what I know of y'alls situation, I would be surprised if she was on there flirting. Talk to her, and see if she can put your fears to rest.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Hi newguy111 
I wouldn't worry too much about the "poke" it's a button that you push and it tells you that they will be notified when they log on- I only have one friend that "pokes" me, I never thought of it as a flirting thing, but I also think it does sound weird... not very exciting though. 
If you want to keep an eye on it, start a acct for yourself... a lot of my married friends have joint accts where they share one- you could tell her that you want to just share an acct and you don't want your own... so you aren't snooping... just an idea. I never put anything that I would have to hide from my ex-h... but I can see where it could cause problems with catching up with old friends and such... it doesn't sound like your wife is closing the windows on the computer when you walk by... so maybe she's just caught onto the craze and will get tired of it soon.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

Ok. Thanks for the "poke" explanation. 

My bigger concern relates to the comments she leaves on this other dude's Facebook page after he's invited her to play one of the funny little Facebook games. I'd venture to say that almost anyone who read these comments would consider them flirting at first sight.

Based on comments from others, I think I'll start my own Facebook page. It will be interesting to see how my wife reacts. I'll offer her my username and password as well to show her that I have nothing to hide. If anything, perhaps it will make her more aware of what she writes on Facebook.


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