# I want children



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I get to where I just can't even stand to look at my husband of 1 1/2 years. I'm 31 and he's 37 and I want to have a family. He says he does, too, but how can we have a family when he hasn't had sex with me for over a year now. I've been considering leaving, but circumstances have kept me with him until January. now that the time is near, I don't know how to do it. He is a good guy, treat me good, does anything I need him to do. My family, especially my dad, LOVE him. How am I supposed to walk away from this marriage??? But, I want children and it doesn't look like there is any possibility of ever having children with him. We have more time NOT having sex in our marriage than having sex. Pretty sad for newly weds. He acts like he wants to have sex and wants to have children, but we have no intimacy at all. 

My sister in law may be pregnant with her 2nd child. I have two brothers who both have kids. I have cousins who are younger than me who have children. I WANT children!! And, that was something we knew we wanted when we got married, and he still says he wants. But, does he just think they will appear out of thin air???

Sometimes I truly wonder if my husband is secretly gay. I've denied that when people have brought it up on this site, but I really do start to wonder. I think it has a lot to do with his self confidence, but now I am starting to wonder if he is truly just gay and not interested.

Is it right to divorce him after 1 1/2 year marriage because he won't have sex with me? Won't initiate anything?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why won't he have sex with you?

No sex in a marriage is a valid reason for divorce. Since you have only been married 1.5 years you can probably get an annulment.


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## chinalimit (Dec 26, 2011)

I just think, having sex is the most essential behavior in a marriage relationship.
Does your husband have an affair? 
Have you tried something to get him burning?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

He says he wants sex, but he never initiates it at all. He won't touch me. He wasn't even sleeping in our bed for almost 10 months. At first, it was because he "accidentally was falling asleep on the couch." But, then it was every night. He only recently moved back in our bedroom because I told him that was a condition of us staying together. Nothing else has changed though.

Is it bad that I'd be weirded out to even BE NAKED with him anymore?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> He says he wants sex, but he never initiates it at all. He won't touch me. He wasn't even sleeping in our bed for almost 10 months. At first, it was because he "accidentally was falling asleep on the couch." But, then it was every night. He only recently moved back in our bedroom because I told him that was a condition of us staying together. Nothing else has changed though.
> 
> Is it bad that I'd be weirded out to even BE NAKED with him anymore?


No it's not bad that you would feel weird being naked with him anymore. He has totally rejected you.

Do you only want sex to have children? How was your sex life before he started to reject you?

Unless he can give you a good reason for why he's not been sexual with you and his plans of starting your self life again this coming weekend.. leave him. 

You have no children. Don't get caught for years in a sexless marriage.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

A happy, healthy marriage should come before children...and you don't have that. I'd tell him counseling or divorce. Then I'd make a mental time limit to myself .... like one year to see improvements. And THAT would be my plan B.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> A happy, healthy marriage should come before children...and you don't have that. I'd tell him counseling or divorce. Then I'd make a mental time limit to myself .... like one year to see improvements. And THAT would be my plan B.


This is great advice. I want a healthy marriage with him. I've already given him the ultimatum and nothing seems to wake him, so I guess I need to be moving on.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I think your marriage is doomed. But there must be more to it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If your heart cries for a healthy emotionally connected sexually fullfulling marriage , and if you heart cries for children.... you are denying yourself both by staying, sounds like you have talked enough to deaf ears .... if ACTION of leaving /divorce does not light a flame under him -you KNOW you are doing the right thing- for you , and your future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If your heart cries for a healthy emotionally connected sexually fullfulling marriage , and if you heart cries for children.... you are denying yourself both by staying, sounds like you have talked enough to deaf ears .... if ACTION of leaving /divorce does not light a flame under him -you KNOW you are doing the right thing- for you , and your future.


:iagree:


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## chinalimit (Dec 26, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> This is great advice. I want a healthy marriage with him. I've already given him the ultimatum and nothing seems to wake him, so I guess I need to be moving on.


Yes, you have give him the long enough time. It's time for you to make choice for yourself. 
Good luck.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, it's a valid reason!

My husband was married and his ex wife lied before marriage saying she wanted children. Once they were married, she told him there was no way she was going to have a child with him. It was really upsetting to him, so they divorced.

Luckily for me, we met and have 2 beautiful girls. I have one girl from a previous marriage. We have an absolutey wonderful marriage. We are connected emotionally and physically, he is my best friend and we talk about anything and everything. 

Something is not right in the marriage if he has withheld sex from you. Usually, the reasons are not good. He could be gay, having an affair, addicted to porn, addicted to masturbation, ect... It is not a reason if your family/friends really like this guy to stay in an unhealthy relationship. What matters is how YOU are being treated and if he is meeting your needs. If you are unhappy, you need to fix the problem or file for divorce. Also, trust your instincts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angela147 (Dec 27, 2011)

I don't want yet it's my 1st year....., I want after 1 year
__________
かつら


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

one word of caution before the divorce route... be sure he doesnt have any medical issues going on... ED or premature ejaculation can be so humiliating to a man that he will often hide it. i suffer from ED myself if i have to take too much Verapamil. nasty side affect. and im only 26...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

good luck having kids with no sex.

it is christmas maybe a vergin birth will happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> one word of caution before the divorce route... be sure he doesnt have any medical issues going on... ED or premature ejaculation can be so humiliating to a man that he will often hide it. i suffer from ED myself if i have to take too much Verapamil. nasty side affect. and im only 26...


It's been over a year that there has been no sex. He has an obligation to take care of medical issues that stand in the way of sex in his marriage. Even if he has the problems you mention, it's cruelty on his part to not handle them so that he can be intimate with his wife.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

There is plenty of help available for you both and it may even be covered by insurance if you fill out the forms correctly. Make an appointment at a fertility clinic. Make sure you see them together and maybe get a referral to another specialist for other issues

With today's medications, once or twice with the guy at exactly the time your doctor says is all you need to get on the road. With the high likelihood of multiple births that may be all you need for your future. Worked fine for my wife and her friends.

Adoption is always an alternative. In the faith community, adoptive parents have rock star status


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It's been over a year that there has been no sex. He has an obligation to take care of medical issues that stand in the way of sex in his marriage. Even if he has the problems you mention, it's cruelty on his part to not handle them so that he can be intimate with his wife.


maybe so. if it were the case, it would make things easier. ED is treatable. i can say from experience that there are very few things more frustrating and humiliating than not being able to perform as i should. i would rather avoid the situations altogether that can leave me feel like an inadequate man.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You leaving this dude is long overdue.

You want a baby--it's not going to happen with him. You don't even share a bed together, let alone have sex since your honeymoon basically. No offense but most of your threads sound the same. 

Nothing will change until you move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> maybe so. if it were the case, it would make things easier. ED is treatable. i can say from experience that there are very few things more frustrating and humiliating than not being able to perform as i should. i would rather avoid the situations altogether that can leave me feel like an inadequate man.


If you care more about your ego then your wife/marriage....Then don't be surprised if you wife has an affair and/or leaves you.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> There is plenty of help available for you both and it may even be covered by insurance if you fill out the forms correctly. Make an appointment at a fertility clinic. Make sure you see them together and maybe get a referral to another specialist for other issues
> 
> With today's medications, once or twice with the guy at exactly the time your doctor says is all you need to get on the road. With the high likelihood of multiple births that may be all you need for your future. Worked fine for my wife and her friends.
> 
> Adoption is always an alternative. In the faith community, adoptive parents have rock star status


This is all true, but he is more than capable of having sex. He just won't. I don't know if it's all self esteem or what, but good luck getting him to talk about it.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You leaving this dude is long overdue.
> 
> You want a baby--it's not going to happen with him. You don't even share a bed together, let alone have sex since your honeymoon basically. No offense but most of your threads sound the same.
> 
> Nothing will change until you move on.


I know you've read and commented on a lot of my threads and I appreciate your input. I've been "stuck" for now, but will be able to leave within the next month. So, during this time in limbo, he's had chances. 

Still always looking for advice and looking for other people who may understand my situation. Guess there's no magic button, though. lol

We are sharing a bed now. That is one thing that came out of me telling him I'm done.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

As'laDain said:


> maybe so. if it were the case, it would make things easier. ED is treatable. i can say from experience that there are very few things more frustrating and humiliating than not being able to perform as i should. i would rather avoid the situations altogether that can leave me feel like an inadequate man.


I think maybe he's convinced HIMSELF that he is not adequate and that's a HUGE part of the problem. He keeps saying he is going to go back to counseling, but time goes on and on, and he never does. It is now winter when he hardly works at all and he still has not gone back.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I brought it up on our drive home from my parent's house today. I brought up that it is hard when everyone's having children and I really want to have children. Not saying right this minute....I definitely want us to have a better relationship first, but how are we ever going to have children if we don't have sex. He says, "Well, that's what I've always wanted. I've told you that." And I told him that babies don't just appear out of thin air. And that I can't just make myself pregnant by thinking about it. I KNOW he knows how it's done because he has 2 kids with his ex. Not that hard to figure out where to put it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he does not give you any reason for his not wanting sex with you?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> So he does not give you any reason for his not wanting sex with you?


Our conversations never seem to get that far before he shuts me out. He says he does want sex, but he can never explain why we don't have sex. Just like when he was sleeping on the couch every night for almost 10 months. He could never tell me why. At first, his excuse was he accidentally fell asleep sometimes. Then his excuse became "you pushed me out." But, no matter how many times I told him I wanted him to come back to bed, he didn't for many, many months until I told him that was a condition of me staying or leaving.

He can't converse with me on any topic that is in anyway uncomfortable with him. We tried counseling. He'd talk the talk in counseling, but he never continued it when we got home. And, most of the time in our sessions, he would just cry and cry. He also went to personal counseling. He has lots of issues to work out with his abusive mother and the fact that he has lost his relationship with his kids. He went for a few months and declared he was "fixed." However, nothing has changed. He's still as shut off as before. And still can't deal with anything that upsets him. Just as before.

I guess if nothing has changed, it's time to move on.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If you care more about your ego then your wife/marriage....Then don't be surprised if you wife has an affair and/or leaves you.


i dont know if that was a judgment or a warning.



ku1980rose said:


> Our conversations never seem to get that far before he shuts me out. He says he does want sex, but he can never explain why we don't have sex. Just like when he was sleeping on the couch every night for almost 10 months. He could never tell me why. At first, his excuse was he accidentally fell asleep sometimes. Then his excuse became "you pushed me out." But, no matter how many times I told him I wanted him to come back to bed, he didn't for many, many months until I told him that was a condition of me staying or leaving.
> 
> He can't converse with me on any topic that is in anyway uncomfortable with him. We tried counseling. He'd talk the talk in counseling, but he never continued it when we got home. And, most of the time in our sessions, he would just cry and cry. He also went to personal counseling. He has lots of issues to work out with his abusive mother and the fact that he has lost his relationship with his kids. He went for a few months and declared he was "fixed." However, nothing has changed. He's still as shut off as before. And still can't deal with anything that upsets him. Just as before.
> 
> *I guess if nothing has changed, it's time to move on*.


yep.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> i dont know if that was a judgment or a warning.


A warning


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

So, after not talking all day and then trying to get him to talk to me tonight, I know this is never going to get better. It's a joke with him. He got angry, and said I blame him for everything. All I was doing was telling him how alone and depressed I feel and how much I need his comfort. He turns into defense mode right away. I told him I haven't brought up his kids, us having kids, or sex for months and, when I do bring it up, his response is always the same. He gets defensive, then throws a fit, then ignores me for a day or two. Then, when I get him to talk, he claims I was the one ignoring him. 

Last night, he slept on the couch again. He claims he fell asleep accidentally, but he only falls asleep accidentally when he's mad. He said I should've come to wake him up, but I tried that for 10 months and he still slept on the couch every night. When bringing that up to him and bringing up us not having sex, he says "I'VE BEEN SLEEPING IN BED WITH YOU FOR A MONTH NOW! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!" I told him I want a man. I want us to have sex. 

His behavior in this marriage is just not acceptable behavior from a husband. But, I'm scared to leave. My family does not believe in divorce. And they all think he is a wonderful husband and can't understand why I don't have kids with him yet.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> So, after not talking all day and then trying to get him to talk to me tonight, I know this is never going to get better. It's a joke with him. He got angry, and said I blame him for everything. All I was doing was telling him how alone and depressed I feel and how much I need his comfort. He turns into defense mode right away. I told him I haven't brought up his kids, us having kids, or sex for months and, when I do bring it up, his response is always the same. He gets defensive, then throws a fit, then ignores me for a day or two. Then, when I get him to talk, he claims I was the one ignoring him.
> 
> Last night, he slept on the couch again. He claims he fell asleep accidentally, but he only falls asleep accidentally when he's mad. He said I should've come to wake him up, but I tried that for 10 months and he still slept on the couch every night. When bringing that up to him and bringing up us not having sex, he says "I'VE BEEN SLEEPING IN BED WITH YOU FOR A MONTH NOW! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!" I told him I want a man. I want us to have sex.
> 
> His behavior in this marriage is just not acceptable behavior from a husband. But, I'm scared to leave. My family does not believe in divorce. And they all think he is a wonderful husband and can't understand why I don't have kids with him yet.


Have you told them that you've only had sex 3 times in the last year? That he refuses to sleep in the same bed? That he refuses to work with you on any of the issues? Otherwise no wonder they think he's a wonderful husband. Maybe you don't need to air your dirty laundry in front of everyone, but could you pick someone who could be on your side, and tell them what's going on?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

PBear said:


> Have you told them that you've only had sex 3 times in the last year? That he refuses to sleep in the same bed? That he refuses to work with you on any of the issues? Otherwise no wonder they think he's a wonderful husband. Maybe you don't need to air your dirty laundry in front of everyone, but could you pick someone who could be on your side, and tell them what's going on?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've told most of this to my mom. But, mostly, my family thinks this is a very private matter. My mom knows that we are not intimate. I think she understands. But, I also know she feels badly for him in this situation. When she sees us together, she only sees the "perfect husband" in him.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I do apologize to those of you who have listened to my story for a year. I'm not trying to just complain. It just really helps me to get my thoughts into words and it helps to know someone out there is listening. I am someone who has to think things through....sometimes too much. But, thank you to those who have given advice and have listened to my story over and over.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> I do apologize to those of you who have listened to my story for a year. I'm not trying to just complain. It just really helps me to get my thoughts into words and it helps to know someone out there is listening. I am someone who has to think things through....sometimes too much. But, thank you to those who have given advice and have listened to my story over and over.


I only hope that helps, because as i see it you should most certainly leave him.
Good luck to you and i can advise you to begin the next year start rebuilding your life.


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