# He seems to have no libido anymore



## myrtlemae (Aug 31, 2012)

I'm a bit new to this, have never used a forum before, but I've really reached a point where I need outside advice, as I'm sure when talking to friends/family there is always an element of them saying what they think you want to hear.
My boyfriend (he is 48, I am 33) of nearly 2 years doesn't want to have sex any more, we split up briefly about 5 months ago (which admittedly was my doing) and have only done it about 3 times since - the last time being about 2 months ago, and to say he was lacking enthusiasm is an understatement, we stopped half way through.
He was quite ill with chest problems for a while and kept saying that was the reason he had no sex drive, then that cleared up and he still 'didn't feel like it'. I've given up trying after being knocked back a few times. We get on so well and love each other to bits, he was great in bed for the first year we were together and seemed to have a really high sex drive so I don't know what's happened.
What's even worse is he gets defensive and clams up when I attempt to talk about it to him. I don't think he sees me in a sexual way any more but he won't admit it. BTW I haven't had a baby/put on any weight/made any changes to my appearance in general - so it's not that.
It's got to the point where we're so used to not doing it that I don't *think* we can come back from this, as I would feel weird about doing it knowing he probably doesn't want to, does anyone think there is a way forward? Or is it time to cut my losses?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How is his health and fitness levels other than his "chest problems"? And was that a heart condition or something else? Why did you stop halfway through? Why did you separate, and why did you get back together? 

Your boyfriend is reaching an age where his sex drive is likely to be declining. You, on the other hand, have likely not yet hit your peak. Your problems in this area are likely to get worse before they get better.

Your boyfriend is also at an age where ED often becomes an issue. This may mean that even if he WANTS to have sex, he's feeling insecure about being able to perform. The safe solution is to not start, in that case. Do you know if he masturbates or watches porn?

Honestly, he's your boyfriend of two years, not your husband. It sounds like you've had significant issues for a big chunk of your relationship. Based on your ages, this isn't likely to fix itself. And he's not willing (it seems) to work with you on it. Dating is the time that you find out if the two of you are compatible, and it's seems that your answer is pretty clear, at least in this aspect. I would say its time to cut your losses.

C


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## myrtlemae (Aug 31, 2012)

They weren't heart problems - he had a chest infection that turned into a mild case of pneumonia, he's generally quite fit and healthy but occasionally suffers from asthma, his mental health however, is quite poor. He's a depressive and has suffered with it for years - that's the reason we split up 5 months back. When we'd argue/bicker, I'd get over it fairly quickly whereas he'd hold onto it for sometimes a few days and it would escalate.
I know he used to masturbate quite a lot, assume he still does but he avoids the question if I ask him.
I think you may be right, unfortunately


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

It is soul destroying being with someone who doesn't desire you and when you have extremely different libidos. You are just hitting your sexual peak, I hit mine at 33, and my husband has no libido. Find happiness, don't waste more years and live to regret it!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

myrtlemae said:


> They weren't heart problems - he had a chest infection that turned into a mild case of pneumonia, he's generally quite fit and healthy but occasionally suffers from asthma, his mental health however, is quite poor. He's a depressive and has suffered with it for years - that's the reason we split up 5 months back. When we'd argue/bicker, I'd get over it fairly quickly whereas he'd hold onto it for sometimes a few days and it would escalate.
> I know he used to masturbate quite a lot, assume he still does but he avoids the question if I ask him.
> I think you may be right, unfortunately


So what exactly got "resolved" that fixed the reason why you separated? Or did you both just sweep the problems under the rug and promise each other that you'd "do better"? And is he on any anti-depressants? They can have a major impact on libido. Has he changed medications?

In my experience, if you're in a relationship with someone and they're not willing to help you with a problem like this, then THEY'RE the problem. They don't care about your needs. And because they don't care, they're not going to change. Your options then become learn to live with the situation or get out of the relationship.

If you want to try one more time, what I would suggest is having another hard conversation with him. Let him know that things have to change, and they WILL change, one way or another. He either starts working on finding out what's gone wrong, or it's over. Personally, I suspect the best you'll get out of that is a half hearted attempt that doesn't last as long as the milk in your fridge. But if it IS a medical problem, you might get lucky (in more ways than one).

C


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## myrtlemae (Aug 31, 2012)

Well, we just missed each other and just kind of skirted over the issues if I'm honest. Yes he's on antidepressants, and I think they can affect his erectile function, but he was always very open about it to begin with and it wasn't an issue, even if there was a problem while we were trying to be intimate - never any awkwardness.

I think you're right, I've tried to have a frank conversation with him a few times now and thought we'd got somewhere but nothing changes. There may be another chance for us but I'm not too hopeful if I'm honest.

Thank you Anomnom, that's very true - I'm really starting to resent him as it is. I don't think there's much way forward.

I really do think he would rather just let the relationship go rather than make some kind of effort. Which says it all really. I've been on the verge of an affair with another man for about 6 weeks now but every time we are close to arranging to meet up, the guilt sets in and I don't let it go any further. Perhaps it is more fair to everyone if I take matters into my own hands and end the relationship before the situation gets ugly. As I don't think he will end it, he'd be happy to plod along like this indefinitely. Companionship just isn't enough for me though.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Life is not much fun with a depressive either.The depression is not is fault but effective treatment is his responsibility.

I know you had a great 1st year & probably thought he was "the one" but he is showing you his true colors now & you are far too young to settle for a sexless marriage.

You will mourn the loss of the man you wanted him to be, not the man he is.

Let him go.


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## myrtlemae (Aug 31, 2012)

Thank you everyone, there seems to be a general consensus here, I think you all make valid points and my fears have confirmed what I've been thinking deep down. In that it's very probably time to let go  it's never easy but I think I've somehow done most of my grieving for the relationship within the last few weeks while deciding what to do.


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## pjuk (Jan 5, 2012)

As one last effort to see if change is possible, why not show him this thread before you end it - it would provoke the most enlightening conversation you'll have had on the subject, for sure.

Best wishes
PJ


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Eh. My libido has slowed down some (43) and let me tell you that however 'not fun' it is on your side, it's a whole lot of not fun on this side either.


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## myrtlemae (Aug 31, 2012)

I'm sure it's not fun for him either, but slowed down libido is one thing - no sex at all is another... We have talked a lot about it since I started this thread, but not really got anywhere, stalemate really as he's not great at talking about his feelings. If I thought he was still attracted to me it'd be something!!

We're still in touch but having some time apart - thanking you all for your insights, and perhaps letting him read this thread would be a good conversational starter...


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## Franz (Sep 9, 2012)

Sweetie you are not married to this man, you have made no vows to him and the longer you stay with him out of sympathy the more you will end up resenting him.


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