# Am i over reacting over my Husbands female friend?



## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

We have been married 6 years and we have a 4yr old and baby no 2 on the way. He has a female friend who keeps a big secret from me and the messages I have seen between them is quite flirty and sexual. They have been friends since kids but I have never been introduced to her. Am I being jealous and over reacting?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

How is it a secret if you've seen the messages?


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## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

At the start i saw it by accident and when i confronted him he put a security code on his phone... but I can still see messages when she writes - just first couple of lines


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

How is this worrisome for you?

Do you suspect an affair?

Or just don't like the general disrespect of it all. Or both.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh no no no...this is not ok and you need to tell him so. Work out what your boundary is, tell him and then enforce it.

He can't seriously expect you to be ok with this. Can you get her number and message her? Or PM me and I'll message her for ya, hehehe


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Actually, you are UNDER reacting to this nonsense. Your husband is having "quite flirty" and sexually-oriented messages with another woman.

WTF???? 

For cryin' out loud, grab the phone and demand he show you what is going on. "Friends" since childhood, yet you have never met her? Is she living on the other side of the planet?

Friends my a$$. This is inappropriate, to say the very least.

Put on your big-girl panties and get this out in the open. Now.


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## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

I have told him that I want to meet her with our son so she has an idea that we are a family - he was ok with it not that he was overly enthusiastic to introduce us. The problem is that she lives in Austria and we live in Sri Lanka. We visit Austria three times a year and we will be there for Christmas. As I am 6 months pregnant I can't go out clubbing with him this time so I know she will be there - I mean i can guarantee it but my gut feeling tells me so. In his defence its not like he is constantly on the phone messaging and at home with me he is completely normal But I just don't get it. He very good at convincing me that I'm the one who is always in the wrong and so on and so on .. I can't get him to understand my point. I keep thinking its Austrian culture. My Background is Australian and this is so not normal for me.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

stuck78 said:


> We have been married 6 years and we have a 4yr old and baby no 2 on the way. He has a female friend who keeps a big secret from me and the messages I have seen between them is quite flirty and sexual. They have been friends since kids but I have never been introduced to her. Am I being jealous and over reacting?


NO!!!!!



you are not overreacting


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## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

I dont suspect an affair as like i said he is not constantly on the phone and when we are in Sri Lanka he is only at work then back at home and if we go out its almost always together. 

Its worrying because when I see the messages its just not so nice - for example the other day she sent a message saying "i can't help but think about our shopping kiss" I'm 100% sure it was just a kiss on the cheek but for her to say things like that - its just not nice - for me anyway. 

its more the fact that he is not thinking of me feelings - or is he just oblivious to it because from his side he does not thing anything - i don't get it all really


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## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

i know If I was not with children I would have walked out Im sure. Just because its been going on for so long. and I agree if he was honest I would not have a problem. He has other girl friends that he meets without me when we are in Austria and I have no problem with that. 

She came up after we had our 1st child so about 3 years ago - after about 1.5 years I told him off and things got better... I had not seen anything from her in almost one year now. 

He and I also wanted a 2nd child and after much trying I fell pregnant again. And now again i can see he has started this "thing" again.

should I ask to see a councillor? because I know if I bring it up I just can't win - he come out with things like why are you snooping into my things, loving someone is not snooping around .....


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Oh, I'm kinda thinking he does something about it.

It's just that you're not privy to know....


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## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

what do you mean does something about it??


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## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

i feel just like you! I totally told him off when we had this three years ago. So disappointing that I have to deal with it all over again.
i would really appreciate a males point of opinion just to see if its me thats being silly - which I think I am not and its completely normal my reaction.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stuck78 said:


> what do you mean does something about it??


They might very well be having phone or cyber sex. That is an affair. If she is texting him sexy things then they are crossed the line of just being friends.

It might be that when he's in Australia, he will be going out with her as you suggest. He probably the last time he was there as well since she talks about them kiss.

If he goes out to clubs, who will he be going with?

And why would your husband need to go to clubs without you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stuck78 said:


> i feel just like you! I totally told him off when we had this three years ago. So disappointing that I have to deal with it all over again.
> i would really appreciate a males point of opinion just to see if its me thats being silly - which I think I am not and its completely normal my reaction.


I'll get some of the guys over here.


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## droll (Nov 11, 2014)

So they've been friends for a long time, I think there's no affair with that, you can say to him that you want to meet that girl


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

A kiss on the cheek signifies friendship, not intamacy.

It's the tongue in the mouth that people usually object to.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

A real, true, proper friend respects your relationship(s).

Females I call friends wouldn't send me inappropriate messages or make inappropriate calls.

So, I'd have nothing to hide from my SO.

If she's flirting,, she's no kinda friend. If he's flirting back and has stuff to hide he's no kinda hubby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

stuck78 said:


> We have been married 6 years and we have a 4yr old and baby no 2 on the way. He has a female friend who keeps a big secret from me and the messages I have seen between them is quite flirty and sexual. They have been friends since kids but I have never been introduced to her. Am I being jealous and over reacting?


Not at all. He is your HUSBAND and you are due all his natural affections. What he is doing is 100% wrong. He needs to make a choice- you or her. And make it stick either way.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Ya know, for an Asian girl, you aren't so worldly...

It's very common.

I wouldn't get your knickers in a bunch about it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

stuck78 said:


> ...for example the other day she sent a message saying "i can't help but think about *our* shopping kiss" I'm 100% sure it was just a kiss on the cheek...


First of all, the female friend clearly specifies that she "enjoyed OUR kiss"... the word "our" implies a *mutual* kiss -- him kissing her, her kissing him. In other words, lips on lips.

Her text to your husband says nothing about it being a kiss on the cheek, so I'm not sure how you can be "100% certain it was on the cheek." Are you certain, or is that _what you want to believe?!_

OP, you need to stop tap dancing around this issue with your husband. Either he unlocks the phone, cuts out the "secret" friendship & stops sending inappropriate texts, and agrees to boundaries that married couples should respect, or it's time for you to consider whether he is, in fact, husband material.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Giiirl, You are being way too passive. Get some answers asap. How are you going to find flirty anything and not tell him sh*t.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

independentgirl said:


> To each of its own, different people have different views.
> 
> But it would drive my man up the wall IF there a 'male' kiss me on the cheek. He doesn't even like it when I mentioned other "men" in front of him, so how he gonna take well a 'male' cheek kiss his girl?
> 
> ...


In European culture, it's very common to kiss everyone on the cheek ... just a quick peck.

But it's not the kind of thing we'd write a text about saying that we remember it fondly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> A real, true, proper friend respects your relationship(s).
> 
> Females I call friends wouldn't send me inappropriate messages or make inappropriate calls.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I'm ok with opposite sex friends with some rules. One fo them is that there is no secrecy, it's out in the open, the friend respects the marriage, etc.

It's secret with no respect for his wife or his marriage.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Exactly.

And as you said, a hug and a cheek kiss are a greeting. Any follow-up text shouldn't amount to more than "it was good to see you". NOT, "hot hug, baby" or "great kiss!"

The text is question doesn't mention a cheek. That's the OPs assumption.

One might equally assume - to facetiously stir the pot,, but it's possible - that she'd just stood up and it was one of those 'special' kisses. No way to know unless hubby spills the beans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep. if this was my marriage, I tell the hubby that he has to hand me the phone with the password on the spot. He as no chance to delete anything. 

If he did not, that would be the end.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

The way the text seems when read, it was defiantly more than a cheek kiss.

Why would you not be aloud to go clubbing with your hubby and drink water or something? It seems that more is going on than friendship for him not to introduce you two, and to put the pass code on his phone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

independentgirl said:


> I know in France, it is very common to greets female friends by kiss on the cheek.
> But that is in France, the European culture. NOT here, this couple here don't live in Europe.
> 
> Even here in the ghetto, NO wifey here would be OK with another woman kiss their hubby cheeks.


With my family and close friends, it does not matter where we live in the world. We hug and kiss everyone on the cheek. That’s our custom.



independentgirl said:


> Tell you a real life situation I see from living here 4 years. There a wifey here, she is kindda loud mouth (not lowkey).
> She make a big scene after she find out her husband went to a strip club.
> Her hubby have his hands put money $$$ on the stripper a-s-s and boobs, and seem like he pays stripper perform ORAL sex on him.
> Yes, stripper give Oral sex too if the man pays $$$


Going to a stripper is completely different than giving a kiss on the cheek. Have you seen the movie “The Godfather”? If not watch it. You will see what I mean.




independentgirl said:


> Now, this Asian girl here think that she was too extreme, and she should give her hubby another chance. Due to they married, and have kids together.
> But Nope, she is a VERY ASSERTIVE woman, and she DOES NOT tollerate her hubby to this to her. So she divorce him.
> 
> Now IF that was my case, and IF I have children with my man.
> ...


For all you know, she has given him other chances. And he did not believe she would leave because she did not all of the other times.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Sex has no cultural boundaries; Austrian nor Australian. Married men do not go clubbing without their wives. I personally do not drink nor smoke. I do not go to clubs. My husband do not go to clubs either as we have a rule in our marriage that we do not attend social functions without each other. We are both professionals, so we are very busy with our careers and chores at home.

We do not have opposite sex friends. We have couple acquaintances. My husband has guy pals from his childhood but they live in another state as we live in the U.S. I have female acquaintances and friends, but other than lunches I do not socialize with them. We share all accounts and share passwords; so open accounts to each other.

Your husband texts this female friend in a sexual manner. No question as to the sexual attraction for the both of them. You need to put a stop to this. You have children. You must protect them as fiercely as your marriage. Demand all passwords from you husband. Do not be fearful to tell him how his sexual attraction to his gal-pal bothers you. Get a baby sitter when you visit Austria and see him in action in these clubs. Observe the body language of your husband and other women. Actions tell a lot of tales.

For a reference point, I am 56 years old and ongoing married for 35 years. My husband is 59 years old. My late 80 year old mother gave me advice the day I was married: "do not let any woman get into your married life, not even your sister". My parents were married for 63 years. I wish you the best.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

independentgirl said:


> I guess the street life doesn't do those type of greetings, do you see gangs members kiss female sex on the cheeks as greeting? lol, i doubt.
> But they probably do more servere things than just kiss on cheeks, lol.


Did you know that some of the most ruthless gangs are in European descent groups. Have you ever heard of the Mafia? There's the Italian Mafia, Russian Mafia, The Arminian Maifa, and so forth. 

Yea, they all kiss on the cheek...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

WHY do ppl marry someone with this sort of crap happening?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

breeze said:


> WHY do ppl marry someone with this sort of crap happening?


It usually happens after they are married. When the cheater thinks they are home free and can do whatever they want.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

independentgirl said:


> Those gangs are in Europe, and it NOT the gangs, but the 'Europe cultures' that lead them on the kiss on cheek. (it the cultural thing)
> 
> Not gangs here in Los Angeles (LA), no gangs here greets female friends by grab them to kiss on cheek.
> 
> ...


This is getting off topic.. but I will comment.

Those gangs are in the USA, in every big city. They exist right there in LA and are very powerful.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

Regular texting between opposite sexes develops in sexting and then sending pics on SnapChat and eventually ends in a hotel room, with no clothes, on top of one another.

And this is when its just a platonic relationship...


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## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

he normally goes with me BUT occasionally he goes with his bro and friends - but this time i def can't go - I'm 6 months pregnant and a night club is hardly the place i'd like to be... that why I'm more worried i guess


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## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

Its so difficult to deal with him on this matter - like i said before when i say things like that he says - love does not snoop and put restrictions .. i have nothing to say to this, all i can say is "would you like it if i was doing this" his answer - i trust you... can you see what i'm getting at?


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## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> A real, true, proper friend respects your relationship(s).
> 
> Females I call friends wouldn't send me inappropriate messages or make inappropriate calls.
> 
> ...


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## stuck78 (Dec 2, 2014)

should i go and meet her with our son and my husband? do you think this is a good idea?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

stuck78 said:


> should i go and meet her with our son and my husband? do you think this is a good idea?


Not really a decision I can make for you.

- 1. To achieve what? What's the best outcome?

- 2. Can you cope with the worst case scenario? Her laughing in your face. Telling you all the cràp he's been saying about you. Whatever else might upset you,,, with your kid there.

I'd think long and hard about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Guy here. He wants to screw her. Of that I have ZERO doubt.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

It's inappropriate for a married man to send sexual messages to anyone other than his wife.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

stuck78 said:


> should i go and meet her with our son and my husband? do you think this is a good idea?


I would be humiliated to be introduced to someone as their wife when my husband has been speaking sexual to the person.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I would go to the nightclub (6 months pregnant or not), meet her, and then ask her why she sends inappropriate texts to your HUSBAND.

Seriously. Tell her you saw the text about them kissing and ask her exactly what she meant by it.

My guess is she will be floored that you saw it. If she has any character, she will be embarrassed and it will end. If they "band together" -- them against you, well then you have a tough decision to make.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Man here, married to a Turkish woman who grew up in Germany (so she is pretty much German in character) so I understand the culture. I know it's different their and much more open than the U.S. Some things are universal though. Since she went out of her way to bring up the kiss, that means she enjoyed it and still thinks of it. She wants him, that is clear. Question is, does he want her? Probalby not, but he is a man and all men like our egos stroked. He is the problem, he needs to understand what being married means. Ask him to read some marriage books, I don't have any recommendations. He needs education so he understands your position. Also, you need to ask him how important you are to him? If he responds, you are the most important thing then you simply respond by saying, "OK, why do you choose to have a relationship with a woman you call a friend that clearly bothers me?" Tell him it's not that you don't trust him, it's the principle of the matter. Actions speak louder than words. He needs to end this "friendship", it's causing problems, and the reasons are not important. 

Good luck!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

stuck78 said:


> At the start i saw it by accident and when i confronted him he put a security code on his phone... but I can still see messages when she writes - just first couple of lines


No, you are not overreacting. Marriage is transparent in all respects. Changing PW and chit chatting of sexual nature via text is a no no. Call him out on it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

stuck78 said:


> I have told him that I want to meet her with our son so she has an idea that we are a family - he was ok with it not that he was overly enthusiastic to introduce us. The problem is that she lives in Austria and we live in Sri Lanka. We visit Austria three times a year and we will be there for Christmas. As I am 6 months pregnant I can't go out clubbing with him this time so I know she will be there - I mean i can guarantee it but my* gut feeling* tells me so. In his defence its not like he is constantly on the phone messaging and at home with me he is completely normal But I just don't get it. He very good at convincing me that I'm the one who is always in the wrong and so on and so on .. I can't get him to understand my point. I keep thinking its Austrian culture. My Background is Australian and this is so not normal for me.


Gut feelings are generally dead on right. He is gas lighting and blaming you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

stuck78 said:


> should i go and meet her with our son and my husband? do you think this is a good idea?


No. H is to provide you with all his PW and access to all the electronic devices he uses. As far as clubbing by himself....off the shelf for good. I would never consider going clubbing w/o my W.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

stuck78 said:


> like i said before when i say things like that he says - love does not snoop and put restrictions .. i have nothing to say to this


 The next time that he says that call bull on this false statement. Tell him that other than when you are in the bathroom, that there is no right to privacy in a healthy marriage, and that your marriage vows was all about both of you agreeing to the restrictions of marriage. Tell him also that married couples should only have opposite sex friends (OSF) that are friends of the marriage, and that this friend has not proven to be such a friend.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

stuck78 said:


> he says - love does not snoop and put restrictions ..


Love does not lie and hide stuff from its wife either.

Love doesn't snog third parties in shopping aisles.

Love doesn't lock its phone with a password.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Just like selfish cheap skates hide behind "its the thought that counts" in gift giving, cheaters hide behind crap about snooping and restrictions and trust me.

Im not a huge fan of opposite sex friends. At some point sex comes into play. At least the thought of it by one party. And anyone could give in to that comforting good friend if things are rocky.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Stuck78,

You know what is happening and need to go to DEFCON 1 and nuke this now, before it is either too late or perhaps gets worse than it already is. You have all the red flags and signs a plenty, so there is no more need to search. Your gut is telling you something, listen to it, it never lies or has a hidden agenda, and jealousy is not a sign of a weak or otherwise insecurity, it is a natural warning system for ourselves we often try to mask as silly or just plain stupid. 

Also, after a certain age men and woman almost universally cannot be friends, or just friends, anymore. This lack of boundaries between unmarried "Friends" usually leads to disaster. 

So yes, go and drop kick this womans a55 into outer space, battles are won with aggression not passivity.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Stuck78,
> 
> You know what is happening and *need to go to DEFCON 1 and nuke this now, before it is either too late or perhaps gets worse than it already is.* You have all the red flags and signs a plenty, so there is no more need to search. *Your gut is telling you something, listen to it, it never lies or has a hidden agenda,* and jealousy is not a sign of a weak or otherwise insecurity, it is a natural warning system for ourselves we often try to mask as silly or just plain stupid.
> 
> ...


OP, if you don't listen to anyone else, listen to Joker. He has recently been through it all and he is offering you words of wisdom. Click his username and read his thread. This is a place you DON'T want to be.

Scientists now know that your gut has MORE neurotransmitters than your brain -- neurotransmitters regulate mood, sexuality, DESIRE, metabolism, self-awareness, cognitive ability, etc. This is why the gut (enteric nervous system) is referred to as the "Second Brain."

Always trust your "gut-instinct." The ancients, our ancestors, always knew this. Hence the term: "Follow your Gut Instinct." Read this for further clarification: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201110/your-backup-brain

Grow a backbone, Girl! Now! Before it's too late...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

stuck78 said:


> Its so difficult to deal with him on this matter - like i said before when i say things like that he says - *love does not snoop and put restrictions *.. i have nothing to say to this ...


No, love does not "snoop" and put "restrictions" on the relationship.

Your response? I am NOT snooping ... I expect and demand ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR/ACTIONS.

Restrictions? I am not "restricting" you; I'm telling you what MY BOUNDARIES are for acceptable behavior from my husband.

He's manipulating you. Stop. This. NOW.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Nobody would mention a kiss in the text if it was mesningless peck on the cheek.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Man here. You already have good advice here. Your H is having an affair. If I treated my wife like your H is treating you, she would leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Totally inappropriate, a H and W have no secrets from each other. If he is confiding things in her which he does not want you privy to, or if he is getting his sexual and intimacy needs through their physical and correspondent relationship, then it is completely disrespectful and outside of reasonable marital boundaries.

So what are you going to do about it Stuck?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

stuck78 said:


> We have been married 6 years and we have a 4yr old and baby no 2 on the way. He has a female friend who keeps a big secret from me and the messages I have seen between them is quite flirty and sexual. They have been friends since kids but I have never been introduced to her. Am I being jealous and over reacting?


Hiding flirty / sexual texting with another woman and locking his phone when you catch him should not be acceptable in a relationship. I think you're avoiding the conflict because it's scary. But if you sweep this under the rug or let it become minimized then he's going to lose respect for you and you'll lose self respect and self esteem as well. We teach those around us how to treat us by how we react to situations.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> *Hiding flirty / sexual texting with another woman and locking his phone when you catch him should not be acceptable in a relationship.* I think you're avoiding the conflict because it's scary. But if you sweep this under the rug or let it become minimized then he's going to lose respect for you and you'll lose self respect and self esteem as well. We teach those around us how to treat us by how we react to situations.


Exactly. The second he put a passcode on his phone after you confronted him was the second he confirmed every one of your suspicions. Either the "friend" goes, or you do.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Shopping kiss! WTF. It would telle they got more than cozy in a dressing room.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

stuck78 said:


> Its so difficult to deal with him on this matter - like i said before when i say things like that he says - love does not snoop and put restrictions .. i have nothing to say to this, all i can say is "would you like it if i was doing this" his answer - i trust you... can you see what i'm getting at?


Love does not flirt with other women or leave you pregnant wife to go out and party like a single man!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

stuck78 said:


> At the start i saw it by accident and when i confronted him he put a security code on his phone... but I can still see messages when she writes - just first couple of lines



When anybody is putting security codes on their phone and their SO doesnt know that code, something fishy is going on.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

stuck78 said:


> He has other girl friends that he meets without me when we are in Austria and I have no problem with that.


You're very generous.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

stuck78 said:


> We have been married 6 years and we have a 4yr old and baby no 2 on the way. He has a female friend who keeps a big secret from me and the messages I have seen between them is quite flirty and sexual. They have been friends since kids but I have never been introduced to her. Am I being jealous and over reacting?




Well, i believe, marriage always stay healthy when it comes to honesty and faith. No matter if she is his childhood female friend, if he has nothing specific in his mind, then he should have surely introduced her to you. 

Setting up a passcode after he has noticed you have tend to read her messages surely bring a benefit of doubt.

She being his childhood female friend, they both can surely share sexual messages which is absolutely fine.... BUT he is hiding her from you is something fishy !!!

My piece of advice :- talk to him upfront and force him to talk about her. Living in assumptions will surely ruin the relationship so better to clarify asap.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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