# CWI Dogmas



## blisseskisses (Feb 19, 2012)

I have read some posts here where the OP states they have cheated on their spouse via *one night stand.* Here are the typical responses...

1) You selfish fill in the blank. Insert bible quote. You need to repent to Jesus.

2) Tell your spouse and repent. It will be a living hell for you for years and years.

3) Shaming language ad nauseam and personal antidote about being betrayed.

Now before the moral indignation starts, I would like to add that I am not trivializing the pain felt by the BS.
*
Why is there very little mention of the option of keeping quiet. Why is there little advice that favor, not confessing and not destroying a marriage over one indiscretion.I believe that, sometimes, honesty is NOT the best policy.

Finally, how is telling the truth to alleviate guilt moral? *


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I find remarkably few references to the Bible here.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

blisseskisses said:


> However, why is there very little mention of the option of keeping quiet. Not confessing. Not destroying a marriage over one indiscretion. I believe sometimes it is the best option.


My H tried that. And it came back and brought a hell storm with it. By the time it was found out, so much time had passed, that I didn't believe anything about our life together. Never in a MILLION YEARS did he think it would come to light. When an affair comes to light under those circumstances, the trust takes 3 times as long to rebuild.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

blisseskisses said:


> However, why is there very little mention of the option of keeping quiet. Not confessing.


Because people here mostly like to see marriages work optimally. Sweeping an affair under the rug is, by definition, not being open. Lack of openness hurts marriages.

And that's aside from the fact that you can't be forgiven something without confessing it and being sorry. Apart from the moral aspect of that, if you can brush aside an affair then you are showing a lack of respect (and love) for your spouse, which also does not bode well for a long-term relationship.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

If you ask around you will see that the opinion on this falls roughly 50/50 on telling or not telling.
The problem with not telling is that you/they are holding a secret from their spouse, the person who is supposed to not have secrets from. 
If there is a ONS and it is truly a ONS then there are many cases of recovery on these boards. 
They tend to be short threads.

I know that I could have forgiven a ONS after so many years together. bad decision . Move on.
Not telling is living a lie for 

ONS x Time Hidden = Depth of Betrayal. 

Worse than the original act.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

People suggest telling because it is what has proven to have the best outcome.

Keeping deep dark secrets from your spouse puts up walls between you both that grow with time. And a lot of times it all comes out in the end anyway. Then there is real hell to pay.

It's interesting because I have an adopted child. He was 10 days old when we adopted him. All the books I read had the same advice... tell the child they are adopted from the very start. If you do not tell the child that they are adopted, there will always be this great secret between you, the child and everyone else who knows the secret. One day the truth will come out and your child will feel like the only fool in the room who did not even know this most important fact out him/her self. And once the child finds that he has been lied to his entire life by his parents who raised him... he will never feel they can be trusted again.

There is a lot of similaries in the two situations on why people are advised to tell the truth.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

The majority of long-term posters here seem to have gone through affairs. They know the pain of them and speak from their experiences. So they recommend what provided them with the best outcome, or how to avoid doing the stupid things they did, or what worked or didn't work when their spouses cheated on them.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I agree with MSP


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Keeping deep dark secrets from your spouse puts up walls between you both that grow with time. And a lot of times it all comes out in the end anyway. Then there is real hell to pay.


This is nail on the head. 

Dishonesty, secrets and guilt become a cross that the disloyal spouse carries. The burden of that cross, living with the knowledge of what they have done changes everything...

Research has suggested that between 60 and 70 percent of all meaning is derived from nonverbal behavior. There was even some studies which suggested that 80%+ of all communication is non verbal... They know something is wrong, something is different, the entire dynamic or your relationship changes.

It was to come out, and it will. One way or the other.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

blisseskisses said:


> *Why is there very little mention of the option of keeping quiet? Why is there little advice that favors not confessing and not destroying a marriage over one indiscretion? I believe that, sometimes, honesty is NOT the best policy.*


I think I actually have a somewhat logical reason for this. Imagine, rather than being a ONS, it was a financial indiscretion...they lost $500 somewhere...not necessarily through something "bad" like gambling, but through a poor personal choice like leaving it on a bench and then forgetting to pick it up. Carelessness! 

Okay so if they do this financial indiscretion, which does less damage? 

A) Going that day ... or maybe the next day ... and saying to your spouse, "Honey, I am very sorry but I have some bad news to tell you. I made a mistake. I set $500 cash on the bench next to me and after I was done I forgot to pick it back up and walked away. About 15 minutes later I remembered in horror and ran back, but of course it was gone. I lost our rent money!" -OR-
B) Keeping quiet telling yourself it's not worth destroying a marriage over one indiscretion. When your spouse gets the eviction notice, covering by saying "It must be some mistake." Trying to steal from the "bills money" to pay the rent money you lost, and then deflecting the blame to your spouse for "spending too much" and that's why bills can't be paid. Letting him/her believe...or LEADING HIM/HER to believe...that they made a mistake somewhere and letting him/her go nuts trying to find their error. Then a few months go by, you two are nearly evicted, electricity is shut off, and one day someone mentions "Hey did Bob (or Sue) ever get that $500 back that he left on the bench?" and your spouse finds out!!!

Doing the first option hurts a little and does indeed do some damage, but you respect your spouse and consider them mature enough to handle some pain, the two of you are open with each other, and you two address the current (bad) situation together as a team and decide how to address it. For the most part Trust is not destroyed because you were honest. 

Doing the second option hurts a little at first, but then adds more hurt by inflicting more and additional damage, disrespects your spouse because you don't consider them mature enough to handle the truth, the two of you are divided because you are hiding things from each other. On the surface it may seem like you're "addressing the issue together" but you aren't addressing the issue that is that you left it on the bench! And finally, when it is discovered (and it will be) your spouse will be MUCH more hurt that you let them think it was their fault, wonder what else you lied about, and trust is LOST.


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