# Does your spouse know you visit TAM?



## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

I've seen a lot of posts here talking about how transparency when it comes to social media, cellphones (etc) is ideal in relationships. This isn't something I agree nor disagree with, I don't really think about it. This is partially because my husband has never made an effort to hide anything from me, partially because I have never had any concerns about infidelity. 

When my husband found out I used TAM, he (jokingly) asked if I was talking sh*t about him, because people only join these kinds of forums when they're having problems in their relationships. This was kind of true for me, although our relationship wasn't the problem - I joined about a dozen relationship/pregnancy forums at the time because I was unsure how to break the news of impending doom (babies #6 and #7, in the end I never asked for advice and sent him a text instead because that's the way of the hip, modern coward). I stuck around here because I like talking and reading about other people's lives.

And I think a lot of people here are in the same boat as me, but not everyone. Some people here are in seriously crummy situations - or not, but they're definitely not posting about how great their marriage is, _or_ they're posting details about their relationship that not every person would want out on the internet. 

I definitely think people have a right to privacy and a right to seek advice in a safe environment without interference, but I wonder if the "access all areas" rule extends this far? Does your spouse know you post here? Do they know _what_ you post here? If not, why not? Do you think they would have a problem with what you were posting? If they used the forum, would you expect to have access to their account?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

batsociety said:


> I've seen a lot of posts here talking about how transparency when it comes to social media, cellphones (etc) is ideal in relationships. This isn't something I agree nor disagree with, I don't really think about it. This is partially because my husband has never made an effort to hide anything from me, partially because I have never had any concerns about infidelity.
> 
> When my husband found out I used TAM, he (jokingly) asked if I was talking sh*t about him, because people only join these kinds of forums when they're having problems in their relationships. This was kind of true for me, although our relationship wasn't the problem - I joined about a dozen relationship/pregnancy forums at the time because *I was unsure how to break the news of impending doom (babies #6 and #7, in the end I never asked for advice and sent him a text instead because that's the way of the hip, modern coward).* I stuck around here because I like talking and reading about other people's lives.
> 
> ...


Wait, so you told your husband about a set of twins (after already having 5 kids) via text? Maybe I shouldn't, but I find that funny .

To answer your question, no, my STBX has no clue I'm here. One, he hates writing so he'd never take the time to type out anything more than necessary on the internet, and Two, he has way too much pride to seek advice like this. With his high school education, he's even too smart for lawyers.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm telling! 

She absolutely knows and I have encouraged her to start posting but she is too shy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

My SO has been a TAM regular for years. She would share stories with me from the forum, her and I would discuss them, and 99% of the time we would agree with each other on the proper course of action. Most of them were "no brainers".

I don't worry if my SO will "talk $#!+" about me. She has a spine of titanium. If I do something to piss her off, or she needs to discuss something with me about "us", I know she'll do it with me, and not with the forum -- I never have to worry about attempting to translate "hint-eze". If she feels something about our relationship would benefit someone here, I don't care if she posts about it or not; it isn't as if anywhere here really knows who I am (other than her, and the mods I imagine).

This is really her forum, not mine. She knows my user name and can have my password if she wants it. I'm usually on my wood-stove forum, or my tractor forum. Manly forums, where we discuss things like building wood sheds, chainsaws, and 3-point hitch attachments. Where I don't get banned for saying something politically-incorrect in the hyper-feminism school of "relationship advice". 

I don't even remember why I created my own sign on. I think it was to add my 2 cents to a Steak and Blow-Job Day discussion. Or maybe a discussion on "Why Drones are better than BJs" (present relationship excluded, of course! >) I forget.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Nope, he does not know. Although I have lately saw on his computer TAM in browser history. That made me be more careful about sharing some recognizable details. I am not sure if he visited this site because he somehow figured out I am here, or just found it on his own in his saving teh marriage quest.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* I really don't have the first damned clue if my rich, skanky XW knows if I am a TAM'er or not! Hell, I'd be totally surprised if she even knew of its existence.

When I first found and joined TAM, it all came about as a result of a Google search in February of 2012. The "trial separation" was actually initiated on May 21, 2011.

Perhaps one day she may well find the need to come here for advice and solace, just as I did.

But in doing so, maybe she might just find some particular thread that simply slams her, greatly like a mule being similarly hit across the snoot by a 2" X 4"!*


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Arb. From everything you have said, she would portray herself as the model wife and be really down on cheating! LOL!

You know I'm probably right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Nope, he does not know. Although I have lately saw on his computer TAM in browser history. That made me be more careful about sharing some recognizable details. I am not sure if he visited this site because he somehow figured out I am here, or just found it on his own in his saving teh marriage quest.


 @WandaJ, did you delete your original thread?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

arbitrator said:


> * I really don't have the first damned clue if my rich, skanky XW*


Arb, I think we should add RSXW into the acronyms thread.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

From my very 1st thread here....probably when he came home.. I shared my Opening post, telling him about this wonderful forum with all these in depth posters , it sucked me right in.....we went through the replies together.. 

Myself hanging out on forums was nothing new to my husband....he was used to that.. from Parenting, Photography/camera, christian, home improvement, computer, frugal forums, etc etc ... anything I had a question about... I was googling a forum for it ...

My Husband has an account here, he has posted about 40 some times.. his replies are very short .. but I loved that he stuck his head in. I get a lot of "What IF" scenarios reading threads here.. I enjoy bouncing things off of him.. getting "his take"... we have learned some new things about each other (even after 30 + yrs) just opening up some of the issues here... learning lots to teach our growing teens about relationship dynamics.. the great importance of compatibility.. and all that.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Yes he does mainly because i tell him everything and hide nothing from him as i do not need to. He knows all the sites i visit and hes not bothered. He sits next to me when i am on my laptop and he does not look what i am doing there is nothing i say on here that i would not say to him if he asked:smile2:.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My husband knows I post here but he doesn't know my screen name. I don't think he's much interested, though I have discussed a few things on here with him, but I like to have places to vent privately.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> @WandaJ, did you delete your original thread?


no, still there. I am updating it when new things happen. I think the next update migth be "divorce"...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Joe and I both post here. Have been since 2011.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think when/if I start dating again I should look for someone who doesn't think it is weird that I post on internet forums. My STBX would think my fascination with this site, and another I post on (not relationship related), is totally bizarre.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Um, no.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Not married but I have told and showed my GF several times. She finds the topics ranging from interesting to hilarious same as me


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

intheory said:


> Yes, he knows and doesn't like it.
> 
> He doesn't like me participating in anything on the internet. It's okay if I look or copy recipes or something like that; but he doesn't want me participating - even though he knows I do, because about 75% of the time he is sitting about 8 feet away. He'll sometimes mock it out loud. Like he'll pretend he's somebody on TAM and he'll say in a whiny, goofy voice, "have you left that azzhole yet, he sounds like such a creep". And I just agree that everyone on here hates him and you guys are constantly advising me to get out, etc. etc.
> 
> ...


This makes me feel sad for you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

intheory said:


> Yes, he knows and doesn't like it.
> 
> He doesn't like me participating in anything on the internet. It's okay if I look or copy recipes or something like that; but he doesn't want me participating - even though he knows I do, because about 75% of the time he is sitting about 8 feet away. He'll sometimes mock it out loud. Like he'll pretend he's somebody on TAM and he'll say in a whiny, goofy voice, "have you left that azzhole yet, he sounds like such a creep". And I just agree that everyone on here hates him and you guys are constantly advising me to get out, etc. etc.
> 
> ...


I get it! Big hugs for you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> arbitrator said:
> 
> 
> > * I really don't have the first damned clue if my rich, skanky XW*
> ...


* Amp: Many thanks for the suggestion, kind Sir! It would sure give my poor old tired and aching phalanges a needed break!

But you know? If I were to put together a book about the many exploits of my prior marriage, I was going to include "Rich, Skanky XW" somewhere within the title!*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

intheory said:


> He doesn't like me participating in anything on the internet. It's okay if I look or copy recipes or something like that; *but he doesn't want me participating - even though he knows I do, because about 75% of the time he is sitting about 8 feet away. He'll sometimes mock it out loud. Like he'll pretend he's somebody on TAM and he'll say in a whiny, goofy voice, "have you left that azzhole yet, he sounds like such a creep". And I just agree that everyone on here hates him and you guys are constantly advising me to get out, etc. etc.*
> 
> I don't go to a counselor, and I wouldn't talk to any person I know in real life about my "bad" feelings.
> 
> ...


Well I'll give you one thing.... YOU 2 are OPEN & honest.. there isn't any hiding going on.. 

I've caught some exchanges you've shared of his opinions (one in the religious section I thought was pretty funny-in his Brash sort of way)...but yeah.. it would get old & obnoxious his acting up like that.. mocking something you Enjoy.... some of us get off on writing, sharing ideas.... if that makes us weird.. so be it.. others like to play video games (I'd rather go clean a toilet over that)...

Too bad he isn't more supportive of your interests even if he doesn't understand it & it's not his cup of tea...since he isn't much of a talker..what's a girl to do!.... I wonder if you've shot back what an A-hole he is..







..

We luv you Intheory !


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

My wife found a couple of my threads, mainly the one about our Valentine's Day Massacre and the one I posted in CWI, where I thought she was hiding something because she wouldn't reveal the PW for her phone and some other suspicious behavior. I didn't really think she was having an affair, but she apparently thought I did, based on the fact that other people thought she did. Overall, she isn't happy with me posting on this site, because she feels other people judge her unfairly, which may be true. 

I even considered quitting this site. She tells me I shouldn't seek advice from people I don't know, but rather we need to work it out ourselves.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Yes he knows I post here and he knows my screen name as well. He has no interest in posting here. In the earlier days of our issues I would not have welcomed it either. Now I wouldn't mind but it doesn't appeal to him. He prefers books for his "self help". I really like the discussion here. This place helped me out in one of the darkest times in my life - more so than counseling or reading certain books ever did. I think the anonymity this site provides (save for a few people I have PM'd with) also keeps my posts more authentic and I hope others' posts as well. 

Outside of relationship baggage, I find different conversation topics and debates that go on here interesting so I come back for that too.


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## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

Yes, Hubby knows and I shared my user name and password with him. He's never logged on though. At first he was pretty surprised and his reply to me was "we don't have any issues, why would you join a site like that?" but when I explained that I was on here to learn about stuff I see in my job and also to share stuff with members here he was completely OK with it. I share stories with him and we talk about things that we would not other wise talk about. We've learned a lot about each other from these discussions which is all good.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

no she doesnt know. 

I suppose anonymously talking about your relationship could be the same as carrying on a social media relationship with people your spouse doesnt know, but for some reason I think it is a little different


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

My husband knows. I posted my first thread when he was away. I found this site when, how would you say it, I was awakened? I was home and climbing the walls. I didn't understand what was going on. I have always been more of what you would call "good girl" By coming here I also found out sooo much about men in general, that I had know clue about. I wasn't sure how to really talk to my husband about what was going on, so at the suggestion of others, when he came home I showed him the site and my thread!! We have not been the same since


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Yes, mine does, unfortunately.

He found my posts and took exception to some of the things I wrote.

So now I post with the ever present knowledge that he may be reading them.

And I post somewhere else under another identity.

You gotta vent somewhere.....


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Yes, she does. She isn't interested in most of the threads but we do discuss some every once and awhile. She is ok with what I post for the most part I keep details she would consider too personal off limits. I don't think she regularly reads my stuff but I know she has in the past because she mentioned something I wrote almost verbatim during an argument once. 

My PMs go to personal email which she has access to so she can read those but she can probably guess my credentials here though she doesn't know them. If she had an account here it would be like other accounts with assumed access on demand.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Yes, I have told her about it. She has other interests on the internet and in real life, and thinks it's a bit odd that I'm interested in these topics, since I'm mostly technically oriented.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Amplexor said:


> Arb, I think we should add RSXW into the acronyms thread.


FWIW, I added it to the Urban Dictionary yesterday. Not sure if it's been posted yet... I'm at work right now and can't check from here.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> My husband knows I post here but he doesn't know my screen name. I don't think he's much interested, though I have discussed a few things on here with him, but I like to have places to vent privately.


Pretty much the same for me. I think there are really two questions here:

Should your spouse have to know & have to approve, and then
Does your spouse know?
I may be in the minority here, but I think a personal zone of privacy is not only OK, but arguably beneficial to a marriage.

Maybe in a perfect marriage there wouldn't be any incompatibilities, or grave relationship problems, and there simply wouldn't be a need for any such zone of privacy. If the intent of posting private and intimate info here is to improve one's marriage, I don't see how anyone who's similarly had to deal with an imperfect marriage can criticize.

But my problem is I don't feel perfectly confident is my privacy here, either because of some technological failure ("hacking"), or because I mistakenly write something that links my real and screen identities.

I know my wife isn't particularly comfortable with my posting things here, since I have mentioned it. I think she regards it as just another manifestation of my being too analytical. (seems like most couples are really opposites in various ways: such as one very analytical and the other not)

Although I think I'm right to post personal and private things here, in the interest of improving our marriage, but I'm much more comfortable posting personal stuff about me than about her, so I attempt to more limit what I write about her.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

bestyet2be said:


> I may be in the minority here, but I think a personal zone of privacy is not only OK, but arguably beneficial to a marriage.


Can you provide a list of examples of items you feel would be acceptable to keep secret from your spouse/partner/SO/etc?




> If the intent of posting private and intimate info here is to improve one's marriage, I don't see how anyone who's similarly had to deal with an imperfect marriage can criticize.


There really is nothing "private" or intimate here. Everyone is, for the most part, anonymous (not 100%, sure, if you're a forum admin with access to login IP addresses and registered emails, but in principle those would be extremely limited).

You could post the most private, intimate aspects of your life, and, for all I know, you could be the person in the cube next to me. Or not. Or it could all be made up.




> But my problem is I don't feel perfectly confident is my privacy here, either because of some technological failure ("hacking"), or because I mistakenly write something that links my real and screen identities.


Unless you used a legit email address that could be tracked back to you, the only way the forum admins (or someone 'hacking' and obtained your registration information) could track back to you would be by IP address; assuming the forum software registers the IP addresses you log in from. 

In my case, I have a static public IP address, so in principle if you knew my IP you could "track me down" by googling that IP address... yet most people at home have dynamic IPs which make it a little more difficult -- not impossible, but difficult.




> I know my wife isn't particularly comfortable with my posting things here, since I have mentioned it. I think she regards it as just another manifestation of my being too analytical. (seems like most couples are really opposites in various ways: such as one very analytical and the other not)


I love the differences between my SO and myself. Opposites attract to bring the best of both worlds together. I'm not sure I would find myself, with breasts and a vagina, all that appealing.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Wifey knows and disapproves. She think it makes me trigger over my first wife. I suppose there's some truth in that, but it's also both good therapy and i like message boards.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> FWIW, I added it to the Urban Dictionary yesterday. Not sure if it's been posted yet... I'm at work right now and can't check from here.


Ha ha! They accepted it! Check it out, @arbitrator!

Urban Dictionary: RSXW


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> GusPolinski said:
> 
> 
> > FWIW, I added it to the Urban Dictionary yesterday. Not sure if it's been posted yet... I'm at work right now and can't check from here.
> ...


* I absolutely love it! I'm totally indebted, Gus and Amp~ as is "the skank!"

And on her wedding week, no less!

But let's set the record straight: she was pulling far more than trains!*


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

That would be a prominent No.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Constable Odo said:


> Can you provide a list of examples of items you feel would be acceptable to keep secret from your spouse/partner/SO/etc?


If I understand the question, my list would start with the "focused topics" right here on TAM: infidelity, sexual incompatibility, parenting problems, addiction, money problems, or mental health problems.

For me, the point is these are likely intractable problems, and all easy and private courses of action are surely exhausted.

How can I make the point? How about a mythical spouse who says, "Dear, I'm really embarrassed about my drug addiction, and I wish you hadn't been discussing it with a bunch of strangers, even if anonymously. If you'd just told me you didn't approve of all the heroine I've been injecting, I would have just stopped, and that would have been the end of it." Yeah, right. Otherwise, I fully support keeping secret what's posted here from one's spouse.

I guess there have been a few cute little stories about spouses who really didn't know their lack of sexual interest was problematic, but I'd count those as the exception.

As someone poignantly posted a couple of years ago in a similar thread, "...if he gets to withhold sex, surely I can withhold this website."


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

My husband doesn't know. Although if he had a suspicion, it would be pretty easy for him to figure out who I was on this site. I don't tell him, though, because I really need a place to say things without thinking he will hear/read them. Sometimes I just need to work through some things before actually talking to him about them, if that makes sense. And I'm not comfortable talking to my friends or family yet about my marital issues.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Not at this point, as I don't really post anymore, just read and find things that are similar or which make me feel better about some lingering issues. All my "real" posts were under a different name and when she found them, stuff hit the fan in a big way. That was years ago, but am still an avid reader.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Nope, I do not think she does. Still, I have made a few changes to some of my posts on the off chance that she could recognize me through my posts.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Yep. She knows I visit, read, and post to TAM, she knows my handle on here and it doesn't bother me a bit to leave TAM up on the screen when I leave my computer. She could go find every thread I've begun. She understands that I provide so little identifiable info that nobody we actually know could figure out it's me/us, and I say nothing here that she and I have not said to each other...no surprises.

I actually can't think of any social networking I do that would bother me if she saw it.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Another Zombie floats up.....


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

It's time to start a NEW THREAD about this, right? These zombies are just popping up regularly because there's not much to talk about?

I've always told my wife about any forum I post on. I've encouraged her to join, read, and contribute, but she's just disinterested in them. She doesn't understand why I do it, but to each their own. The extent of her internet usage is limited to her finding something specific, work-related, e-mail, or FB.

FWIW, I didn't come on here because I had marriage problems. I just came to be entertained, and maybe make a contribution here and there. I've always been curious about how others' lives are going...:nerd::smile2:

After reading some of the threads on here, I realize just how BLESSED I am!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Luvher4life said:


> It's time to start a NEW THREAD about this, right? These zombies are just popping up regularly because there's not much to talk about?
> 
> I've always told my wife about any forum I post on. I've encouraged her to join, read, and contribute, but she's just disinterested in them. She doesn't understand why I do it, but to each their own. The extent of her internet usage is limited to her finding something specific, work-related, e-mail, or FB.
> 
> ...


Zombie threads happen because the software sometimes suggests threads of interest. Sometimes they are recent, sometimes not.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> Nope, he does not know. Although I have lately saw on his computer TAM in browser history. That made me be more careful about sharing some recognizable details. I am not sure if he visited this site because he somehow figured out I am here, or just found it on his own in his saving teh marriage quest.


Good for him.

He loves you, is possessive of you and does not to lose "The love of his life".

He keeps tabs on you. I would too.

Mine does not know....she is too strong in her opinions and would question mine. An Amazonian Taurus thing.

My saving grace? She feels I am too old and incapable of going astray. Neither is correct.

I am too proud to fool around.......am content in loosing my perspective and paper-cutting people with my wit and sh!t !!

Like a Gray Fox, I spread my scent. Hope you like it....haaah!

Even knuckleheads can mature on his site. Huh? That hurt.




/


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Another Zombie floats up.....


Just by looking at the current response, it needed to be resurrected.

And yes, these notions do "float". They float collectively in our minds.....sometime as nagging fears, guilty fears or just decayed-noxious curiosity...Zombie appropriate.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Just by looking at the current response, it needed to be resurrected.
> 
> And yes, these notions do "float". They float collectively in our minds.....sometime as nagging fears, guilty fears or just *decayed-noxious curiosity*...Zombie appropriate.


Phrase of the Day!


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