# Lost and ready to commit myself - need HELP and don't know where to start



## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

I am literally new here, but need some help before I have a mental breakdown. I am literally ready to commit myself!

I have been married to my husband since 2005, together since 03. I left him a yr and a half ago after feeling totally alone even though I wasn't. In doing so, my 6 grown children in the beginning literally ghosted me and I am only back to talking to 2 of them. Within this, I only see 3 of my 5 grandchildren now. When I left my husband, I met, very quickly, a man who has shown me nothing but love, support & unconditional love. I quickly moved in with him and sold my house. I filed bankruptcy as all the bills I was paying (even though my husband makes decent $), and all the bills & house were in my name. Now I should state that my BF had a severe crash 15 yrs ago, has major social anxieties and PTSD and does not work - and after 15 yrs, his ss court is finally happening in July. He had been working for a handicapped person a few days a week to make his ends meet. His house is almost paid off, but needs work and is very small. But since COVID, he can no longer work PT for that guy, so I have been paying all of the bills at his house (less the mortgage he has been pushing out as allowed with Covid times). My husband has also taken me for spousal support and I pay him $600 a month.

Now I moved back in with my husband last year and quickly freaked out that I was only doing it to get my kids and family back together, and went back to my BF. And now I have just did the same thing. I am 4 days into being at my husbands new house wondering if I made the right choice. I love both of these men in different ways. They both offer me things that make me happy and scared in different ways. My husband can take care of himself, but my BF has no family or friends close by and "I am his world" as he says. I lied to my BF telling him I was getting my own place to fight for my gkids that I haven't seen. He thinks it is temporary and I will return and see him until then when I can. I feel horrible I lied, I feel horrible my husbands hearing me question my decision again now with me and I don't know what I want. My job prevents me from just getting away to think by myself ( I am a mgr and alot going on to just take off). My bankruptcy (ch 11 still paying off) prevents me from having the credit to just find an apt or house to rent. My husband says if I go out on my own, he is not waiting as he has for 18 mths, and I understand.

So how the hell do I know how to start to finally decide if either or neither - how do I hurt a BF that has done no wrong (both me and my husband have hurt each other in the past) and especially when I worry about him being all alone. I can still pay his bills until his court but then I cannot get a place of my own, but between my own bills, his bills and spousal support, I cannot do anything for myself. He is in a great state of depression right now and I ck on him but it's killing me to see what I am doing and he has done nothing to deserve it. My husband has deserved my questioning (he has not cheated on met fyi) and says he realizes his past mistakes and has changed, but how do I believe or trust in it anymore.

I have all of my belongings at my husbands new house and dont know how I would afford to store them and move them if need be. I can either store my things or have $ for a place but no credit to do so. I can stay in a spare room my sister has if need be. Husband says he would want to be amicable this time, but I know him and he wouldn't, he only says that as he hopes I stay and try with him..I am so lost. Everyone says follow yr heart - if only I knew how, or even how to start.

Don't know if my bf just wants me cause I am all he has and his financial help atm, will my husband & I ever forgive the hurts and move on and is he just scared to be alone - and he has always been a $ man and I make almost 2xs what he does, so am I just a bank acct there too. How to I pull truth out of what either says and trust in it.

Any and all advise would be greatly appreciated!!!! I am a strong woman and never been so indecisive in my 50 years!! Sorry this post is so over the place, but my mind feels like a volcano and I am truly scared what happens if I don't find a way soon.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

What can I say. You're just lucky to have two pathetic excuses of a man to lean on. No wonder why you can't make up your mind. Probably a real strong man that doesn't take **** would finally do, but then again if you try to play him, he'll kick you to the curb for real.


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> What can I say. You're just lucky to have two pathetic excuses of a man to lean on. No wonder why you can't make up your mind. Probably a real strong man that doesn't take **** would finally do, but then again if you try to play him, he'll kick you to the curb for real.


you think I like feeling like this knowing I am hurting them along with myself? Well I am not, that I can guarantee you!! Hence why I am saying maybe best to go out solo and get my head straight. But ty for the kick while I'm down. I already feel like a POS


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Honestly, to be blunt, I'd leave both of these men alone until you get some counseling. The back and forth your engaged in isn't helpful to any of you and is in fact, destructive. My 2 cents.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since you're back with your husband, there is no need to pay him support.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How can all of your kids be grown when you were only married for 19 years?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Nothing you’ve done so far has worked. Maybe it’s time to let go of both and move on.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I am sorry you are hurting. All the stress(emotional and financial) and stressers in your job make things even harder. However, I agree with @FlaviusMaximus that you need to be away from both men. Perhaps going to your sister's and focusing on you may be the best option. Are you in IC? does your job have mental health benefits?


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> How can all of your kids be grown when you were only married for 19 years?


this is a 2nd marriage - we both had children when we met


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> I am sorry you are hurting. All the stress(emotional and financial) and stressers in your job make things even harder. However, I agree with @FlaviusMaximus that you need to be away from both men. Perhaps going to your sister's and focusing on you may be the best option. Are you in IC? does your job have mental health benefits?


IC & yes they do.


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Nothing you’ve done so far has worked. Maybe it’s time to let go of both and move on.


ty for your thoughts


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Since you're back with your husband, there is no need to pay him support.


not if I stay with him, but if I go out on my own I will still have to and the hardest thing is trying to help my BF with finances whether I am here with husband or on my own.


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

sokillme said:


> I want, I need, me, me, me, I, I, I. People are not couches or cars that you can use to feel safe or amused, then discard like garbage when you decide to change your mind. Both men are living breathing human beings with feelings and you are abusing at least your boyfriend by lying to him, it's unfortunate that they are willing to settle for so little. In your BF's case his circumstances probably dictate that. I suspect your husband knows nothing of this BF or at least that you are still communicating with him.
> 
> Sounds like you had a midlife crisis affair and then changed your mind.
> 
> ...


I am ashamed and feeling like a POS by continuing to not do anything but what I am. Without me not sure my BF can financially handle his situation and he was there when I needed a friend. They both deserve than me, trust me I do not feel anything but hatred for myself atm. Thank you for your input, it's what I need opinions of every sort to kick my ass where it needs to be. TY


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> IC & yes they do.


sorry meant to say IC? Not sure what that is


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How did your bf manage financially before he met you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> I am ashamed and feeling like a POS by continuing to not do anything but what I am. Without me not sure my BF can financially handle his situation and he was there when I needed a friend. They both deserve than me, trust me I do not feel anything but hatred for myself atm. Thank you for your input, it's what I need opinions of every sort to kick my ass where it needs to be. TY


Shame is a good thing when you continue to do wrong. It's like the pain from sticking your hand in boiling water, it's your emotions way of telling you to stop what you are doing. 

First thing you need to do is give back everyone you lied to their agency by telling them the truth so they can make an informed decision. I'm afraid if you can't do that then there is nothing we can tell you that will fix this situation. 

I wonder if your kids have a problem because they know you are not being truthful.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> sorry meant to say IC? Not sure what that is


Individual Counseling


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Openminded said:


> How did your bf manage financially before he met you?


He had worked very PT for a friend of his who is disabled - taking him shopping & to appts & such. But since the COVID hit, his parents have not allowed him to go anywhere as he has many disabilities. That was enough to pay his bills.This is no longer a possibility for him and as he awaits his ss court in July, he has no other income source. And from what I am now reading, even after his approval (hopefully as this is the last part of a very long case), he may not get the start of benefits or the back pay lump sum until months after. Not sure if that is true and correct or not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I honestly think that you have to be a wife and concentrate on making your marriage work. . Your children seem to love your husband or why would they get so annoyed when you leave him. 
Your are married so not free to be with anyone else. Does the OM know you are married? 
So give up the OM, concentrate on your marriage and see if you can make it work. 
If in the future things don't work out once you have both tried and made a real effort, then end the marriage and once you are divorced you will be free to meet someone else. Having said that I have no idea why you would risk loosing contact with your children and grandchildren.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> He had worked very PT for a friend of his who is disabled - taking him shopping & to appts & such. But since the COVID hit, his parents have not allowed him to go anywhere as he has many disabilities. That was enough to pay his bills.This is no longer a possibility for him and as he awaits his ss court in July, he has no other income source. And from what I am now reading, even after his approval (hopefully as this is the last part of a very long case), he may not get the start of benefits or the back pay lump sum until months after. Not sure if that is true and correct or not.


Can his parents help out?


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I honestly think that you have to be a wife and concentrate on making your marriage work. . Your children seem to love your husband or why would they get so annoyed when you leave him.
> Your are married so not free to be with anyone else. Does the OM know you are married?
> So give up the OM, concentrate on your marriage and see if you can make it work.
> If in the future things don't work out once you have both tried and made a real effort, then end the marriage and once you are divorced you will be free to meet someone else. Having said that I have no idea why you would risk loosing contact with your children and grandchildren.


I fear the reason I keep trying to be with my husband without knowing for sure if I am still in love with him, or just love him from a past together. He told my children I cheated on him with my BF, but that is NOT the case. I met my BF rather soon after leaving my husband and an outdoor event and when my husband became very mean with me for leaving, my BF was there to support me mentally and then in time it became more. My children are angry I left their father (actually there step father for my kids) and at first believed him about the infidelity, some final realize it was untrue, some have not stated why they have stayed away. He has (so he says) told them it was otherwise. But it seems with some of my children, I am only good enough if I am with my husband. For once in my life, I need to do what makes me happy so I can be the right person for whomever, if anyone, but I do not know how to do or find the solution to do that. I am always worried about hurting others, taking care of others and now I am hurting people without trying to. And how do I not financially help my bf, if he has no other income, whether I am with m y husband or solo. At the same time, I cannot have him thinking I will some day return if I am not. My husband knows I lied to my BF to leave there. My BF does not know I am with my husband, told him I was leaving to sort out getting my gkids (2 of them) back into my life. It's a vicious cycle that is mine to blame and fix, but I do not know what is the first step to take or do and how to tell everyone involved, especially how do I tell my BF I can only help him for so long financially if the $ I give to him will need to support myself if I decide to go out on my own. Sorry so long and winded, my mind races 24/7 and I feel I have noone to confide in and I do not even have the opportunity with my job to take time to sort it out or go to counselor immediately (I travel 1.5 hrs to work each way) and work 60-70 hrs as it is.. And I cannot be without a job as I support my own bills, my bf bills and spousal support to husband, can't not have an income


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> I fear the reason I keep trying to be with my husband without knowing for sure if I am still in love with him, or just love him from a past together. He told my children I cheated on him with my BF, but that is NOT the case. I met my BF rather soon after leaving my husband and an outdoor event and when my husband became very mean with me for leaving, my BF was there to support me mentally and then in time it became more. My children are angry I left their father (actually there step father for my kids) and at first believed him about the infidelity, some final realize it was untrue, some have not stated why they have stayed away. He has (so he says) told them it was otherwise. But it seems with some of my children, I am only good enough if I am with my husband. For once in my life, I need to do what makes me happy so I can be the right person for whomever, if anyone, but I do not know how to do or find the solution to do that. I am always worried about hurting others, taking care of others and now I am hurting people without trying to. And how do I not financially help my bf, if he has no other income, whether I am with m y husband or solo. At the same time, I cannot have him thinking I will some day return if I am not. My husband knows I lied to my BF to leave there. My BF does not know I am with my husband, told him I was leaving to sort out getting my gkids (2 of them) back into my life. It's a vicious cycle that is mine to blame and fix, but I do not know what is the first step to take or do and how to tell everyone involved, especially how do I tell my BF I can only help him for so long financially if the $ I give to him will need to support myself if I decide to go out on my own. Sorry so long and winded, my mind races 24/7 and I feel I have noone to confide in and I do not even have the opportunity with my job to take time to sort it out or go to counselor immediately (I travel 1.5 hrs to work each way) and work 60-70 hrs as it is.. And I cannot be without a job as I support my own bills, my bf bills and spousal support to husband, can't not have an income



You already had been told. The correct thing to do is to completely separate from both men and be on your own for some time until you have your head put together. I don't understand why you have to be with one or the other (codependency?), specially since it's clear that you don't really love either of them; otherwise you wouldn't be playing with their feelings. Have you ever been on your own for a period of time? if yes, them think back as to how you were your own person. If you have never been on your own, them this is part of the problem. But right now what you're doing is pure and simple selfish and mean (I,Me, Mine). You are playing yo-yo with these two guys, who seem to be weak individuals. Your husband must lack self respect to be taking you back and forth.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> not if I stay with him, but if I go out on my own I will still have to and the hardest thing is trying to help my BF with finances whether I am here with husband or on my own.


If you get back together with your husband you will no longer have a boyfriend. He will no longer be your responsibility to support, and really, never should have been.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I don’t mean this to be hurtful or to put you down or anything but it doesn’t sound like you should be in any kind of relationship currently and should focus your energies on getting yourself squared away and supporting yourself. 

It doesn’t sound like your “picker” works very well and the men you end up with aren’t very good. 

My recommendation is extricate yourself from BOTH of these guys and work on yourself and get yourself squared away and in a good place before becoming involved with anyone.

If you are a train wreck, the people that will come into your life will also be train wrecks and y’all will just turn yourselves in a big pile of twisted wreckage inside a big smoking hole in the ground.

If you can get yourself squared away and straightened out and self supporting, you will attract a higher quality man and leave all the train wrecks behind you.


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> You already had been told. The correct thing to do is to completely separate from both men and be on your own for some time until you have your head put together. I don't understand why you have to be with one or the other (codependency?), specially since it's clear that you don't really love either of them; otherwise you wouldn't be playing with their feelings. Have you ever been on your own for a period of time? if yes, them think back as to how you were your own person. If you have never been on your own, them this is part of the problem. But right now what you're doing is pure and simple selfish and mean (I,Me, Mine). You are playing yo-yo with these two guys, who seem to be weak individuals. Your husband must lack self respect to be taking you back and forth.


I have been on my own when I was a single mother. TY for your input


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t mean this to be hurtful or to put you down or anything but it doesn’t sound like you should be in any kind of relationship currently and should focus your energies on getting yourself squared away and supporting yourself.
> 
> It doesn’t sound like your “picker” works very well and the men you end up with aren’t very good.
> 
> ...


TY appreciate your thoughts!


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

bobert said:


> If you get back together with your husband you will no longer have a boyfriend. He will no longer be your responsibility to support, and really, never should have been.


TY for your input, but as a human I am not sure how I could live knowing he would not be ok, and noone else family or friend to assist him - I think another reason I am battling within - I may be many things through this but I am truly trying to be compassionate in my next steps, with everyone, not just me me me


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why can’t his parents help him?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> TY for your input, but as a human I am not sure how I could live knowing he would not be ok, and noone else family or friend to assist him - I think another reason I am battling within - I may be many things through this but I am truly trying to be compassionate in my next steps, with everyone, not just me me me


Can his family help him out?Does he live alone? Doesn't your country offer any help for those out of work? Has he been looking for more work?
The thing is that you are married, you aren't free to be with another man therefore you were actually unfaithful.


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Why can’t his parents help him?


His father died when he was 2. His mother would if her husband (his step father) would allow, but he is a miser and not the kind to assist. She used to help him on occasion with small things, but now she is retired and can't hide helping him like she did when she was working


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Can his family help him out?Does he live alone? Doesn't your country offer any help for those out of work? Has he been looking for more work?
> The thing is that you are married, you aren't free to be with another man therefore you were actually unfaithful.


His father died when he was 2. His mother would if her husband (his step father) would allow, but he is a miser and not the kind to assist. She used to help him on occasion with small things, but now she is retired and can't hide helping him like she did when she was working. His disability from being run over by a dump truck makes him unable to work, his friend that needed companion to help him get to appts and store worked out for both as this gentlemens family is wealthy and it was easy for Tom to help as he knew them and the man he helped. He has MAJOR social anxieties, PTSD, hearing loss, a restructured leg, constant migraines and no focusing ability. The sad thing is, as a single man, who only received 200/mth food stamps, no other assistance is out there for him without selling his house, which is not much and the place he has lived for 25yrs. I just don't know how to help without just paying the bills. And all his friends and family are not local so he has noone and nothing


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you should take the option to live with your sister until you can get on your feet financially and establish credit to go your own way. Try to pay her some rent and help her out though. The situation with your husband sounds bad. Possible he may get more aid with you out of the financial picture entirely, so you might be doing him a favor. Get it over with.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> His father died when he was 2. His mother would if her husband (his step father) would allow, but he is a miser and not the kind to assist. She used to help him on occasion with small things, but now she is retired and can't hide helping him like she did when she was working. His disability from being run over by a dump truck makes him unable to work, his friend that needed companion to help him get to appts and store worked out for both as this gentlemens family is wealthy and it was easy for Tom to help as he knew them and the man he helped. He has MAJOR social anxieties, PTSD, hearing loss, a restructured leg, constant migraines and no focusing ability. The sad thing is, as a single man, who only received 200/mth food stamps, no other assistance is out there for him without selling his house, which is not much and the place he has lived for 25yrs. I just don't know how to help without just paying the bills. And all his friends and family are not local so he has noone and nothing


With covid rates going down could he start back at his old job?


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think you should take the option to live with your sister until you can get on your feet financially and establish credit to go your own way. Try to pay her some rent and help her out though. The situation with your husband sounds bad. Possible he may get more aid with you out of the financial picture entirely, so you might be doing him a favor. Get it over with.


my husband is fine with a good paying steady job, my bf is the one that has nothing. I will def pay to live wherever I go, I pay my own. TY for your thoughts


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> With covid rates going down could he start back at his old job?


no as the disabled friend he is working for is living and taken care of by his parents, who until the world totally rids themselves of COVID, will not allow for things to go back to the norm for him, and in turn for my BF, so that is not an option at any time in the foreseen future


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Wow what a mess, I have seen people-pleasers go down this path and lose everything in the end. They see themselves as being good people, helpful, kind, how-will-they survive-without-me types. Always leaving spouses and kids behind for their next project. And the ‘project’ always seems to be some vulnerable person in crisis. A vulnerable person who is easily controlled and manipulated... and makes the rescuer feel really really in control, better about themselves, better than the helpless creature. Powerful even.

Do you see the dark side of this?

It’s rather narcissistic (and I’m not talking in clinical terms here).

How many people are being hurt, controlled and left behind? You are the puppet master here and you have all the control - all of it.

But I suspect there may have been some consequences or shame thrown your way that you are not telling us about... something that’s making these bad feelings come out and you think you need to be committed. You’re losing control of something. I feel the frenzy coming through in your posts.

Who has exposed you/what’s really going on?

I’m trying to be kind, but direct.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> my husband is fine with a good paying steady job, my bf is the one that has nothing. I will def pay to live wherever I go, I pay my own. TY for your thoughts


Well, you're not married to your bf, so why are you still there if that isn't working out? Go your own way. Glad your husband is okay. Only your bf can make your bf do better. Just stop worrying about that and do what YOU need to do for YOU. Your bf will either strive to keep up or he won't, with you and with his own situation.


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Wow what a mess, I have seen people-pleasers go down this path and lose everything in the end. They see themselves as being good people, helpful, kind, how-will-they survive-without-me types. Always leaving spouses and kids behind for their next project. And the ‘project’ always seems to be some vulnerable person in crisis. A vulnerable person who is easily controlled and manipulated... and makes the rescuer feel really really in control, better about themselves, better than the helpless creature. Powerful even.
> 
> Do you see the dark side of this?
> 
> ...


And I ty for your thoughts - all are welcome - I ant to hear all perspectives as apparently I am not good at it in anyway in the past yr and a half. I most def see the dark side I have created for others and myself. I just don't know how to once again hurt people if I go on my own to find out what or who I am and I stop this vicious cycle. I am not sure what you mean who has exposed me. My husband & i stated we wanted to try again and now that I am here with him again, I feel out of place, worried about my BF who wasn't told the truth and cannot financially sustain himself (I told him I would help with this bills as best as I can, but if I go on my own, I will no longer be able to to the extent he needs, so I am not wanting to again be selfish by doing that to him). I will always love my husband but not sure if I am in love with him anymore. We drifted apart in the past and I left because we were both alone in our marriage. Communication was not there and now it seems it is very difficult to start to do something you are not used to doing together. He has used me as the bank of our marriage and I am not sure I trust that that is not the reason he wants to be with me again. Either way, I have to find me, and then hopefully be good to someone at some point - right now I am destructive and taking ppl on the road they do not deserve to be on


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, you're not married to your bf, so why are you still there if that isn't working out? Go your own way. Glad your husband is okay. Only your bf can make your bf do better. Just stop worrying about that and do what YOU need to do for YOU.


ty for your insight


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm worried that you are just in a caretaker/mothering role with your bf and that it is only going to be a drain on you. I don't understand why you don't find someone better suited who can contribute more to a relationship. You don't have to try to rehabilitate everyone you meet. You can instead choose to just find someone who stands on his own two feet. You can still be friends with or occasionally help (nonfinancially) someone in need, of course, but that situation is beyond your control and above your pay grade. Neither relationship can thrive while you're involved with both your ex-H and a bf who needs a lot more help than you can give. They are destined to drain you or blow up on you, and you just need to be focused on your own financial well being. You're in no position to supplement someone's income. You shouldn't have a mindset that you would settle for someone that needy for a mate. Again, for a friend, fine. You are just bouncing between them and neither of them can be happy about it, but I suspect both are using you up. Please move on and don't take on any more projects. Just get yourself on track. Take a second job yourself and build up your own situation, and that will keep you out of trouble being that busy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How old is your bf?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> you think I like feeling like this knowing I am hurting them along with myself? Well I am not, that I can guarantee you!! Hence why I am saying maybe best to go out solo and get my head straight. But ty for the kick while I'm down. I already feel like a POS


You are playing with two different men and making a bad marriage even crazier. You appear to be the main breadwinner and should have enough sense to know you should get yourself sorted first.
Why did you leave your husband, was he not contributing to the finances and family? If you were so unhappy why did you not discuss with him, try counselling etc and then make a clean break if it is not working.
There seems to be more to the story as I do not understand why your grown kids would disown you unless you did much worse than what you say here. If you cannot be honest with a group of anonymous strangers then there is little hope of you of being honest with yourself and doing the work needed to sort your own self out and then your mess out.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm worried that you are just in a caretaker/mothering role with your bf and that it is only going to be a drain on you. I don't understand why you don't find someone better suited who can contribute more to a relationship. You don't have to try to rehabilitate everyone you meet. You can instead choose to just find someone who stands on his own two feet. You can still be friends with or occasionally help (nonfinancially) someone in need, of course, but that situation is beyond your control and above your pay grade. Neither relationship can thrive while you're involved with both your ex-H and a bf who needs a lot more help than you can give. They are destined to drain you or blow up on you, and you just need to be focused on your own financial well being. You're in no position to supplement someone's income. You shouldn't have a mindset that you would settle for someone that needy for a mate. Again, for a friend, fine. You are just bouncing between them and neither of them can be happy about it, but I suspect both are using you up. Please move on and don't take on any more projects. Just get yourself on track. Take a second job yourself and build up your own situation, and that will keep you out of trouble being that busy.


The female KISA


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## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm worried that you are just in a caretaker/mothering role with your bf and that it is only going to be a drain on you. I don't understand why you don't find someone better suited who can contribute more to a relationship. You don't have to try to rehabilitate everyone you meet. You can instead choose to just find someone who stands on his own two feet. You can still be friends with or occasionally help (nonfinancially) someone in need, of course, but that situation is beyond your control and above your pay grade. Neither relationship can thrive while you're involved with both your ex-H and a bf who needs a lot more help than you can give. They are destined to drain you or blow up on you, and you just need to be focused on your own financial well being. You're in no position to supplement someone's income. You shouldn't have a mindset that you would settle for someone that needy for a mate. Again, for a friend, fine. You are just bouncing between them and neither of them can be happy about it, but I suspect both are using you up. Please move on and don't take on any more projects. Just get yourself on track. Take a second job yourself and build up your own situation, and that will keep you out of trouble being that busy.


Thank you so very much, this really spoke to me. I greatly appreciate it


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you are still married and have agreed to make your marriage work then you do need to cut off contact with the OM. Tell his family that he needs help and leave it to them. 
Your marriage will never work when you are cheating on your husband with another man.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lostinthemiddle711 said:


> Thank you so very much, this really spoke to me. I greatly appreciate it


I don't have any idea what the issue is with your children, but if you straighten out your own life and rehabilitate your finances and stop letting people drain you and simplify and as long as you're not doing something like too much alcohol or drugs and you just show responsibility for yourself, I imagine your kids will come around.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You're here looking for suggestions. Try this one. Since you care for both men, starting today, never again tell either one a lie. If they can't handle the truth, that tells you where you are in your relationships with them. If you're scared to tell the truth, that also speaks to the way things are. Why would you lie to someone you "love" or even care about?

So, here's a suggestion that you can implement on your own today without having to think about it or prepare for it: *NO MORE LIES*.

If you can't do it, everything else will remain in an indeterminant state in your life.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Have you ever done any work looking into codependency issues? You seem like a ping pong ball going back and forth trying to make this person happy, then these people happy, then this person happy, etc. You need to know that you are not responsible for your boyfriend's financial issues, his happiness nor anything else. He is. Nobody else. You get to focus on you. You're making his issues your issues, and that is not healthy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What’s your bf’s age?


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