# How to save my marriage



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

My wife of ten years recently left me. We have an 8 year old son with autism. Her grounds for wanting divorce are as follows. She isn't happy anymore, and hasn't been for a long time. Her biggest problem is not being able to trust me anymore. You see, I had began using meth behind her back in the winter of 2013, and continued to use for roughly 8 months without her knowing. During this time I repeatedly tried to quit on my own, with no luck. I finally realized that I had a problem and needed help, so I confessed to my wife that I had been using and wanted to quit, told her everything, because I knew that by openly admitting it to her that I would be able to overcome my addiction, due to shame and a desire to do right by her. It was rough, she was furious and almost left me then. But she stayed by my side and helped me thru it. Here I am now, and I've been clean since September 4th of 2014. I never would have done it without her. But now it's 2016, and she wants to leave me mainly due to that incident, as well as our minor arguments that we have. I haven't used since 2014, and she knows that, there's no suspicion from her saying otherwise. She just says that she has not been able to trust me ever since. I was heartbroken when she told me, I've been nothing but devoted to her since. But I understand that I made her feel this way, and that thru my lapse in judgement and outstanding level of irresponsible behavior, I have driven her to brink of divorce. Does anybody have any suggestions or ideas that could help me to rebuild what we once had? How can trust be regained? Is it even possible? I've never cheated on her. I maintain gainful employment. I help her take care of our handicapped son, and not a day goes by that I don't tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is. How can I fix my mistake other than by remaining clean and sober? Any advice or even some friendly conversation will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance. 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

I know I was stupid to use meth, and every single day I regret that I ever did. I sincerely hope that it wasn't marriage ending though. I wish I could find a way to redeem myself in my wife's eyes. 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

First thing you gotta do is find out the real reason she's leaving you. She stuck by your side the whole time, and now, 2 YEARS LATER she suddenly doesn't trust you and wants out?

Makes no sense. 

There's something missing here and if you don't know what it is you need to find out.


----------



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

I did discover that she had been flirting with another man on Facebook, well for one day anyway, and that was 3 days before she left me. But she says that was because she hasn't felt the same about me since she learned of my drug usage. 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

I discovered that because I hacked her fb and scooped, because it didn't feel right to me either. 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

She's using your drug usage as an excuse to justify her affair. 

Not that there's anything wrong with that, people excuse their own bad behavior all the time to justify their own questionable actions so they can sleep at night. 

The question is, what are YOU going to do about it.


----------



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

I was really hurt when I found what I did, but honestly it hadn't progressed very far and he lives in another country, so my main concern now is how to keep her from doing it again and finding some way to keep her, happily and faithfully. 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

She says that she's satisfied with our sex life, I'm very attentive and passionate, we still have sex an average of twice a day. She's just not satisfied otherwise. 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

What should I do about it? 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

John Mcgee said:


> I did discover that she had been flirting with another man on Facebook, well for one day anyway, and that was 3 days before she left me. But she says that was because she hasn't felt the same about me since she learned of my drug usage.
> 
> Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


This is the reason she's leaving you. It has nothing to do with meth. She's got a replacement dude lined up. If you cry and beg her to stay she'll want to leave even more. You need to man up over this. Verify she's cheating and then bring the hammer down. I guarantee she'll respond and want you back. You have to be strong and show massive amounts of self-respect. Grovel at her feet begging her and she's gone for good.


----------



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

I don't think she's got one lined up, I just think that when she did the flirting that it made her want to pursue others. Which is definitely not OK with me. We were each other's firsts, we lost our virginity to each other. She was 17 and I was 20, that was ten and a half years ago. I don't know what to do. 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You could just be honest with her. You could tell her what you saw and what you think is motivating her behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

There seems to be something missing in this? Can you tell us what type of relationship it has been? 

Do you argue and what about? Does she respect you? Who is the leader in the relationship? 

How much stress does your child put on the relationship? Who is his primary caretaker?

BTW, Have you tried counseling? Read any relationship books?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html


----------



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

We have had our ups and downs, and we do argue fairly often. I've noticed over the past couple of years that she has become the main escalator, she's quick to snap and hard to calm down. I haven't felt respected in a long time. She is a hypocrite. Like recently she confided to me that she watches porn, but when she has caught me watching it she has blown up. Almost got me fired once because she came to my job *****ing at me in front of everyone because she found a porn DVD in my jacket. Our son is definitely a handful, it's very stressful. She takes care of him while I'm at work but I do most things when I'm home. We've counseled before, and I just started the book "too good to leave too bad to stay". As far as leader goes, she's definitely the boss most of the time. Unless I feel really strongly about something in particular. 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

And I did tell what I found. 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

John, it doesn't sound like you have what you want in this marriage either. You both want changes, but you only have control over yourself and what you will accept. You have no control over her, but you do teach others how to treat you. By your behaviors you allow others to see you in certain ways. 

I have a feeling you accept less because you're trying to make up for your failings. Do you think that's so? Do you let things go with her behaviors just to keep the peace?


Another question, are you attending meetings?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think your wife has had to be the main stay in your marriage for a long time, she is fed up and looking for someone she can rely on, someone who treasures her, someone she can lean on. I am not surprised she lost respect for you as the trust was completely broken. Yes, you have redeemed yourself but sometimes when trust is broken it is never fully repaired.
Of course she is going about it all the wrong way and has probably created some sort of fantasy in her head about this OM. She is in a vulnerable position because of the events in your marriage.

You should out her immediately followed with telling her she can have a divorce.
Do the 180 on her
Get a lawyer
tell all family and friends


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

First of all, lapse in judgement is leaving a carton of milk on the counter. I grew up in South Central LA and I can't tell you how to get a hold of meth much less know how to use it. Stop minimizing what you did.

Your wife had perfect right to divorce you AND have you arrested for acquiring and using an illegal substance in a home with an 8 year old son. Be grateful that she did not leave you or call the cops but instead helped you with recovery for 2 years.

Remember, staying clean is not a redemption. It is an achievement for you but not for her. Neither is doing things around the house. It's what is expect from a normal husband.

After what you had done you needed to move mountains to regain her respect. Did you move mountains?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

There are many parts to a marriage. It all within how you treat each other and that starts with how you treat yourself. Browse these. You should find help in them. 

No More Mr. Nice Guy; Dr. Robert Glover

The 180 list @ No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html

Best


----------



## John Mcgee (Sep 6, 2016)

I am by no means trying to minimize my mistakes, I've said I understood that I messed up real bad. I just can't help but feel like we are worth a continued effort. I've made mistakes, so has she. I know that mine was worse, but she's my wife. I'm her husband. We've had so many good times, great ones even, and I feel that this particular mistake was worked through. I guess I was wrong though. It just seemed so sudden, out of nowhere. We've been doing great with each other for a good while now. And I live in Missouri, meth Capitol of the world. That's no excuse, I know. I'm not sure what else I can do in my attempt to move mountains. I'm not saying that she doesn't deserve to want a divorce, but I truly believe that she deserves the way I love her, the way I provide for her and my son, the way that I try to be everything that she deserves, but maybe it's too little too late. All I'm asking for on here is advice or suggestions that may help me to keep her and help restore any trust at all. I understand that you are not wrong to tell me that I deserve this, because I know that I deserve something. I'm just hoping that this isn't it, and I hope that something I hear on this forum can help me make sure it isn't. I don't really want to hear anyone tell me everything I already know. I know I screwed up big time, I know it's valid for her to feel this way, I have felt terrible about it since before I even told her. Of course I can't stop anyone from saying these things, but hopefully me asking them not to will keep them from it. I appreciate any and all advice I've been given so far, thanks for trying to help guys. 

Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

How much counseling or therapy did the both of go through? Just because you are no longer using doesn't mean your relationships are healthy. That goes for the non-user as well. 

While using you both learned unhealthy coping mechanisms, they need to be addressed and modified to healthier options.

Many relationships fail after the user become sober, the delicate balance that had been so difficult to manage is now completely off. Seething resentment from the non-user about why the addict didn't stop sooner. The recovering addict feeling guilt and shame, etc. These are all difficult feelings.

Addiction is so hard and painful for entire families, I hope yours finds peace.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Have you held down a job during all the meth addiction?
Since 2014 have you had a steady job that pays bills?
You realize that meth addicts are very likely to relapse? She has good reason not to put her future in you?

However, as someone pointed out, her mind is not on YOU. It's on texting other men. That's the problem with your marriage. For whatever reason, she doesn't love you anymore. My personal opinion is that once it's gone, it doesn't return. It didn't return for my wife once she got her mind on other men, and I was never a drug addict. But I've got my crosses to bear just like everyone else.

One thing is CERTAIN. If you try to win her back by being a better man---- 100% failure rate. You've just got to be yourself, tell her you will set her free by divorce and MOVE ON. Don't get depressed and do meth again or drink. Just stay busy with your work, start a new hobby, work toward getting the job of your dreams. If you beg, plead, or chase--- you will push her further away. Don't be mean, just tell her to present you with papers and you will sign them if they're fair. 

Yes, she's got her mind on other men. NO, you can't do schitt about it. And if you act like you care, you're sure to get zero respect from her and she will eventually hate you for it.


----------



## pezhead (Sep 7, 2016)

my husband left me and the reason even though he was cheating and said he hasn't been happy for the last 2 years. The reason he gave me was now that I am in a job I like (prior to this job I was in a job from hell for the last 13 years) he fells better leaving me. I don't get it either. My husband wants to be single and date, wants no responsibilities oh and he hated the 1 hour drive 1 way to work. The new GF is 14 years younger and his Co worker who works for Kelly Services she has a 13 year old son. Talk about not wanting a responsibilities'. Oh yea he also told me he's done with kids and, now look what has latched on to him.
I am so tired of selfish lying people. He is having a midlife crisis. He says he wants to do what he wants to do. We would have celebrated our 20th on 8-20-16. For the 1st 14 years I took a back seat to him being a Scout Master and taking off every freakin weekend leaving me to take care of the house and the animals. I gave up so much for this SB, and this is the thanks I get. I pray and cry everyday that he realizes that this is all him and I had little to do with the breakup. I did not cheat and I am willing to forgive him for the 2nd time. the 1st time he cheated was when our child was 3 and going through Chemo treatments. I was paying to much attention to our sick child and he was not getting any attention from me. I hope my heart heals so because I can not take it anymore.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@pezhead

Sorry for your situation. You should start your own thread, so you others can offer assistance specific to your situation. 

Best

Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

John Mcgee said:


> I know I was stupid to use meth, and every single day I regret that I ever did. I sincerely hope that it wasn't marriage ending though. I wish I could find a way to redeem myself in my wife's eyes.
> 
> Sent from my RCT6203W46 using Tapatalk


redeem yourself in your own eyes first before you can seek redemption in others


----------

