# New member. Caught wife with long phone calls



## Motomessia

Hi and thanks for the add. I’m 30 and have been happily married for almost 6 years and have been together for 10, and have lived together all except about 8 months of that. We have a 4 year old son. For the last 3 years, she has really wanted to have another child, but me not so much.

A couple months ago we had a long talk and I pretty much said that I didn’t want any more kids. She took it hard. She drank a good bit for a few weeks, and was emotional but that ended up stopping. A month ago I had to go out of town for business for a few days, which I do every once in a while. She called so I could talk to my son before bed, pretty early, and then texted me when she laid him down and said she would call back later if she didn’t fall asleep. That was 8:15. She never called back.

Well since the “talk” she had been a bit standoffish and we weren’t getting along the best. When I got home two days later, she acted so strange and I knew something was wrong. At some point an argument started and she basically said that she didn’t know what to do. The D word was thrown by me in anger, and that made it worse. I thought we would really get a divorce. Well over the next week and a half things very slowly got better and she eventually apologized at how she acted and we discussed how we would better our marriage moving forward. I’d been going through her phone at night looking at texts during that week and half and never found anything. 

Then one night she was asleep and I went through her phone again and noticed I’d missed something. Calls to a contact with a single letter for a period of 3 days, for a total of 6 hours, with two conversations lasting 2 hours each. One of those was immediately after she had texted me when I was out of town and they stayed on the phone until almost midnight. I called the number on my phone. A man answered and I stayed silent until he hung up. He then texted me saying “who’s this”, and I responded with the same question and he said his name. I asked his last and he said f*** if I know, you called me. I woke my wife and confronted her immediately. She assured me it was a friend from high school and she just was depressed and just wanted to talk, and she hadn’t seen him in 10 years. I texted him from my phone asking how he knew my wife and no answer. I then texted from her phone and said “tell him the truth”. (Stupid of me, I know) He responded with “dude were just fu***** friends! We haven’t seen each other in over 10 years! Just Effing friends!”

That was it. She swore that she was just in a dark place because of knowing we wouldn’t have more kids, and actually stopped talking to him because she knew it was wrong. The conversations were 3 days back to back but hadn’t happened again since. She admitted she had deleted texts conversations between them, and let my try to dig the messages up, but they weren’t backed up to iCloud. I even wiped her phone out in the process. 

We have been doing much better since that happened and I Know they haven’t seen each other at all. But that thought is still in the back of my mind that there were bad intentions. I know there are lots of guys on here that will yell CHEATER because it happened to them and they feel gratification when it happens to someone else. But I would like to know some real thoughts on what I should do from here to move forward. 
Thanks in advance.


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## Yeswecan

You need to iron out the whys to your wife wanting another child and you don't. There appears to no mutual agreement in this matter. Further, your wife is wanting another child with you. Repeat that sentence. Now go talk to your W and come to an understanding of another child.


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## MattMatt

She was being very thoughtless. Why not talk with a female friend, instead?

Trust, but verify.


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## Motomessia

She understands why it’s not a great idea for us to have more children. We have absolutely no family to help, and both work more than full time jobs. Daycare and babysitters are really expensive. I’m really wasn’t against having one more later on down the road. And she knew that but absolutely would not stop hammering me about another one all the time. So it really just felt like she was pushing me into a corner. Maybe I was wrong for saying I didn’t want any more kids.


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## lifeistooshort

Do you feel strongly enough about not having another child that you're willing to accept your wife resenting and possibly leaving you?

Your answer might well be yes and if so stand your ground, but even then get into marriage counseling to deal with the resentment that's going to come. She's already getting there.

Think carefully about this. Day care is temporary.


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## uhtred

Disagreements over children are one of the issues where there may be no compromise. It not a case where people are rigth or wrong. 

I'm not saying that what she did was OK, but there may be a fundamental underlying problem that you need to resolve with her.


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## jlg07

The one thing I don't buy -- she hasn't spoken to him in 10 YEARS? And yet HE is the person she thought to call and talk to? She doesn't have any female friends she can talk with?


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## Prodigal

Motomessia said:


> Maybe I was wrong for saying I didn’t want any more kids.


Absolutely not. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I have read countless threads here where people go all passive-aggressive on the partners and don't clearly state their desires. Don't be one of those people. Peace at any price comes with a very high price tag.

So do you think your wife can accept having only one child? This could be a deal-breaker, but having another child to pacify your spouse could ultimately make you resentful.


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## Motomessia

jlg07 said:


> The one thing I don't buy -- she hasn't spoken to him in 10 YEARS? And yet HE is the person she thought to call and talk to? She doesn't have any female friends she can talk with?


She did say that she had spoken to him a couple years ago. He got in touch to let her know he was gonna be in town if she wanted to hang out. But she declined. She’s had the same number for a loooong time. Granted, I found this out while confronting her and had never heard his name mentioned before. I don’t think she cheated at all, but was she intending to? Even if it was only for a split second it bothers me. I work out of town several times a year and never ever has it even crossed my mind to cheat. Even when I knew it could happen and she would never find out. It’s just not right. But yes I think it’s very odd that he was the person she turned to. She has several female friends, but I’m friends with most of their husbands, so I can see where she wouldn’t want to talk to them about something like that. She does has work friends that I’ve never met and is around them more than she is me during awake hours.


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## Tilted 1

I'm if a different way of thinking, why should it only be as she wants it (the next kid). If she was thinking of your relationship it should be mutual, and as far as her phone calls, yup big red flag so if you don't want to hear what it could be, just keep sticking your head in the sand. But that's easy to solve about the phone change her phone number, and shouldn't be a problem as much as she would not. This way when she gets bacj in touch with the old friend you'll know she called him first. Then you will have to do the dance or rugsweep this. It's the direct way you must resolve this issue now or you'll deal with it later.


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## Tilted 1

But a man that wants to hang with a married woman and then reconnect acouple yrs later, yeah l guess it's all innocent. And it was your wife who reconnected you will have to decide who is most in danger you or her?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Something is amiss. No doubt. Stay alert and keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. Extremely strange as to why she would reach out to a man.......danger Will Robinson.....


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## Arkansas

you're having disagreements .... and she's going to another man

that's the facts as i see them and there is probably more issues like communication barriers 

fix this now - or your marriage is likely done and that means you knowing what your'e doing wrong and her knowing what she's doing wrong

this is YOUR marriage - you can do your best to fix it and its her marriage and if she does her best, ya'll be ok with a lot of work

anything less - and your marriage will be in jeopardy


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## Spicy

Did she ever date this guy? Or did either of them have a crush on the other?


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## sunsetmist

I'm wondering if finances are really the main reason you don't want more children? We see here all the time how dynamics of your relationship change with children. Three years is a long time to debate this.

I'm glad things are better, but IMO y'all should do some counseling. This issue isn't solved and will lead to others, so your whole lives can be derailed by this decision. (Drinking causes more problems and solves none.) 

There are symptoms of underlying 'stuff' in your 'happily married life' that are going to lead to chronic illness if not treated.


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## MJJEAN

So, your wife wanted another child and you didn't. Her response is to get emotional and drink for a few weeks. You leave on business for a few days and, instead of calling her mom, or sister, BFF or talking to the cat, she connects with a fertile male shoulder to cry on. Her actions say, when **** gets real, she'll turn to a bottle and then later she'll turn to another man. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk another kid with her.


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## arbitrator

*Methinks that not only does this cell phone number belong to this dear old high school friend, but also to a good potential "seed donor," who may have prior experience in making "seed donations" to your W, years ago, long before you were even a glimmer in her eye!

Do be wary! 

And if she does, perchance, come up pregnant, then a paternity test could well be in order!

I'd say that it's time to start entertaining the thought about the procurement of a good family law attorney to at least start a planning strategy in helping to protect your rights! 

Just saying!*


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## phillybeffandswiss

Motomessia said:


> She did say that she had spoken to him a couple years ago. He got in touch to let her know he was gonna be in town if she wanted to hang out. But she declined. She’s had the same number for a loooong time. Granted, I found this out while confronting her and had never heard his name mentioned before. I don’t think she cheated at all, but was she intending to? Even if it was only for a split second it bothers me. I work out of town several times a year and never ever has it even crossed my mind to cheat. Even when I knew it could happen and she would never find out. It’s just not right. But yes I think it’s very odd that he was the person she turned to. She has several female friends, but I’m friends with most of their husbands, so I can see where she wouldn’t want to talk to them about something like that. She does has work friends that I’ve never met and is around them more than she is me during awake hours.


Yes, she may leave you. 
Yes, she may resent you. 
Yes, you should discuss the child aspect.

All of this, to me, is now secondary.

You found out about a man, who made a sarcastic comment to you, hidden in her phone under a single letter that has spent hours on the phone with your wife after a life changing decision.

That’s bold. 

You need to figure this out before you talk about bringing another child into this world for her and the welfare of your marriage.

Her going to her parents to cool off.
Her going to friends and talking for hours.
Her giving you the silent treatment.
Her yelling at you.
Her denying sex.

These are things where I’d agree with you worrying about her feelings first and doing what some others have stated.

I am on the complete other side when a potential affair partner is involved. It doesn’t absolve you of any problems you created, but it changes the priority.
A spouse can’t work on things, when there is an outside voice inside the marriage working against it.


Sorry, I am completely on the other side of the fence. She is sooooooooo hurt and resentful she shares her pain with an old high school male friend. The same guy who asked her out a few years ago? 
Yes, this is bold as well. 

If I want to see and old female friend my wife, her boyfriend or husband and I go as a group. There will not be hours long calls unless my wife is there or on the phone.

Time to verify.

Also, if she leaves it will suck. I’d rather you guys break up than have a Possible resentful father raising a kid.


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## snerg

MJJEAN said:


> So, your wife wanted another child and you didn't. Her response is to get emotional and drink for a few weeks. You leave on business for a few days and, instead of calling her mom, or sister, BFF or talking to the cat, she connects with a fertile male shoulder to cry on. Her actions say, when **** gets real, she'll turn to a bottle and then later she'll turn to another man. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk another kid with her.


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## Gabriel

jlg07 said:


> The one thing I don't buy -- she hasn't spoken to him in 10 YEARS? And yet HE is the person she thought to call and talk to? She doesn't have any female friends she can talk with?


This was my thought. It makes zero sense that in a moment of despair you decide to call someone you haven't talked to in 10 years. Also, does she make a habit of using one letter as a contact name? If this is the only one where that's true, don't you think that's being purposefully deceptive?

If true, this tells me that the friendship back then was far more deep or significant than she is letting on. Perhaps he was a sounding board for her in the past, and she needed that again. 

Not saying she's cheating or has cheated, but you might want to ask her why she picked this guy to call.


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## Yeswecan

Do you have any idea what the conversations was about with her male friend?


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## arbitrator

phillybeffandswiss said:


> *Yes, she may leave you.
> Yes, she may resent you.
> Yes, you should discuss the child aspect.
> 
> All of this, to me, is now secondary.
> 
> You found out about a man, who made a sarcastic comment to you, hidden in her phone under a single letter that has spent hours on the phone with your wife after a life changing decision.
> 
> That’s bold.
> 
> You need to figure this out before you talk about bringing another child into this world for her and the welfare of your marriage.
> 
> Her going to her parents to cool off.
> Her going to friends and talking for hours.
> Her giving you the silent treatment.
> Her yelling at you.
> Her denying sex.
> 
> These are things where I’d agree with you worrying about her feelings first and doing what some others have stated.
> 
> I am on the complete other side when a potential affair partner is involved. It doesn’t absolve you of any problems you created, but it changes the priority.
> A spouse can’t work on things, when there is an outside voice inside the marriage working against it.
> 
> 
> Sorry, I am completely on the other side of the fence. She is sooooooooo hurt and resentful she shares her pain with an old high school male friend. The same guy who asked her out a few years ago?
> Yes, this is bold as well.
> 
> If I want to see and old female friend my wife, her boyfriend or husband and I go as a group. There will not be hours long calls unless my wife is there or on the phone.
> 
> Time to verify.
> 
> Also, if she leaves it will suck. I’d rather you guys break up than have a possible resentful father raising a kid.*


*More often than not, when a wayward leaves under the guise of "needing space," that space is more effectively translated to be something to the effect of getting out from the domicile, so that they can more effectively go and spread their loins in other venues, being out of the conscious purview of their spouse or STBX!

Sadly, that behavioral pattern is quite often the script! *


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## Motomessia

sunsetmist said:


> I'm wondering if finances are really the main reason you don't want more children? We see here all the time how dynamics of your relationship change with children. Three years is a long time to debate this.
> 
> I'm glad things are better, but IMO y'all should do some counseling. This issue isn't solved and will lead to others, so your whole lives can be derailed by this decision. (Drinking causes more problems and solves none.)
> 
> There are symptoms of underlying 'stuff' in your 'happily married life' that are going to lead to chronic illness if not treated.


No it’s not the only reason. When we had our son, he was her everything and all of sudden seemed to just forget about me. I don’t think it was intentional, and I didn’t push the issue for at least a year. But eventually I expressed how I felt. She seemed to understand and felt really bad about it, especially not noticing it was happening. And she attempted and still attempts to work on it. But now that he’s out of that baby stage, things are/were starting to get back to where I’m actually getting some of that attention and feeling of importance in her life like I used to. Call me selfish if you want. But that’s how it felt. I’ve expressed how I don’t want to go through those years of hell again, and that’s where we can’t agree. She assured me that it wouldn’t be that way with a second child, but I have no reason to believe her. And after all this, I’m that much further away from wanting to have another. We’ve talked about counseling, but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce.


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## Motomessia

Yeswecan said:


> Do you have any idea what the conversations was about with her male friend?


Only what she told me. That they were catching up on all the past years and how she was feeling about the children situation and that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me. But honestly no, I don’t know what they talked about. I’ve been tempted to call him, but that’s probably not a good idea.


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## Tilted 1

Motomessia said:


> Only what she told me. That they were catching up on all the past years and how she was feeling about the children situation and that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me. But honestly no, I don’t know what they talked about. I’ve been tempted to call him, but that’s probably not a good idea.


He wouldn't tell you anything? He playing, and it's his game.


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## Cynthia

Motomessia said:


> Only what she told me. That they were catching up on all the past years and how she was feeling about the children situation and that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me. But honestly no, I don’t know what they talked about. I’ve been tempted to call him, but that’s probably not a good idea.


You wouldn't get anything out of him.

It is not okay that she called a man to talk about the problems in your marriage. Does she realize that? It doesn't matter what she was talking about to him; whatever they talked about was inappropriate.

Does she have close family or friends that she talks to about things that are bothering her?

This is a serious situation and she did not handle it well.



MJJEAN said:


> So, your wife wanted another child and you didn't. Her response is to get emotional and drink for a few weeks. You leave on business for a few days and, instead of calling her mom, or sister, BFF or talking to the cat, she connects with a fertile male shoulder to cry on. Her actions say, when **** gets real, she'll turn to a bottle and then later she'll turn to another man. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk another kid with her.


Right now, I agree. She is not coping well. You also said that she turned all of her attention and affection on your son and didn't recognize it. There are some serious disconnects with her that need to be resolved.

It sounds like you are open to having another child in the future. You likely have many years ahead of you to make that happen, but in the meantime, these issues with your wife should be resolved, because make no mistake, there are some serious issues here that need to be addressed and resolved before you can really trust her whether you have another child or not.


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## Marduk

Motomessia said:


> Hi and thanks for the add. I’m 30 and have been happily married for almost 6 years and have been together for 10, and have lived together all except about 8 months of that. We have a 4 year old son. For the last 3 years, she has really wanted to have another child, but me not so much.
> 
> A couple months ago we had a long talk and I pretty much said that I didn’t want any more kids. She took it hard. She drank a good bit for a few weeks, and was emotional but that ended up stopping. A month ago I had to go out of town for business for a few days, which I do every once in a while. She called so I could talk to my son before bed, pretty early, and then texted me when she laid him down and said she would call back later if she didn’t fall asleep. That was 8:15. She never called back.
> 
> Well since the “talk” she had been a bit standoffish and we weren’t getting along the best. When I got home two days later, she acted so strange and I knew something was wrong. At some point an argument started and she basically said that she didn’t know what to do. The D word was thrown by me in anger, and that made it worse. I thought we would really get a divorce. Well over the next week and a half things very slowly got better and she eventually apologized at how she acted and we discussed how we would better our marriage moving forward. I’d been going through her phone at night looking at texts during that week and half and never found anything.
> 
> Then one night she was asleep and I went through her phone again and noticed I’d missed something. Calls to a contact with a single letter for a period of 3 days, for a total of 6 hours, with two conversations lasting 2 hours each. One of those was immediately after she had texted me when I was out of town and they stayed on the phone until almost midnight. I called the number on my phone. A man answered and I stayed silent until he hung up. He then texted me saying “who’s this”, and I responded with the same question and he said his name. I asked his last and he said f*** if I know, you called me. I woke my wife and confronted her immediately. She assured me it was a friend from high school and she just was depressed and just wanted to talk, and she hadn’t seen him in 10 years. I texted him from my phone asking how he knew my wife and no answer. I then texted from her phone and said “tell him the truth”. (Stupid of me, I know) He responded with “dude were just fu***** friends! We haven’t seen each other in over 10 years! Just Effing friends!”
> 
> That was it. She swore that she was just in a dark place because of knowing we wouldn’t have more kids, and actually stopped talking to him because she knew it was wrong. The conversations were 3 days back to back but hadn’t happened again since. She admitted she had deleted texts conversations between them, and let my try to dig the messages up, but they weren’t backed up to iCloud. I even wiped her phone out in the process.
> 
> We have been doing much better since that happened and I Know they haven’t seen each other at all. But that thought is still in the back of my mind that there were bad intentions. I know there are lots of guys on here that will yell CHEATER because it happened to them and they feel gratification when it happens to someone else. But I would like to know some real thoughts on what I should do from here to move forward.
> Thanks in advance.


First, some questions:
1. When you got married, did you agree to a certain number of kids? Is your wife feeling betrayed because you broke this commitment to her, or is this something you were clear about from the start?
2. Does your wife have a pattern of running to other guys when your relationship is in conflict?
3. When she stopped talking to him "because it was wrong," what does that mean? Why does she think it was wrong?
4. If you asked her to tell you exactly what they talked about, what would she say? 

Second, some advice - from a guy that's been in almost exactly this same situation.
1. Be calm. You flipped out, destroyed evidence, engaged the guy before you're ready, and just adding to the fire here. Don't do that.
2. This is not over. The longer you let this go on, the worse it will be when it happens again, or the better she will get at hiding it. She got something out of this man, and she now knows that she can reach out to this guy or others, and now she knows exactly how to get away with it.
3. I'd get into marriage counselling to get this sorted out. Tell your wife that you need to get to the bottom of it, including her past with this guy, what they talked about, why she thought it was OK to talk about her marriage to a guy she hadn't spoken to in 10 years, and why she reached out to him instead of you. She will blame it all on you, so be ready for that.
4. Start a journal. Write everything down that you remember before, during, and after this time. Ask her about events, write them all down. See what fits, and what doesn't.
5. I called the guy. We had a nice long conversation where he swore up and down that his intentions were good and they were just old friends. I suggested that since we're all friends, maybe we all sit down together - me, him, my wife... and his wife. "Her name is X, right? And she works at Y, right? How about we all sit down, go through all these phone calls and texts you've been sending each other and have a good laugh about two old friends catching up. She knows about all that, right?" Poof! He never reached out to her again. Guys are funny that way.


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## Yeswecan

Motomessia said:


> Only what she told me. That they were catching up on all the past years and how she was feeling about the children situation and that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me. But honestly no, I don’t know what they talked about. I’ve been tempted to call him, but that’s probably not a good idea.


Well, this conversation about you, a child and possibly leaving you should not have become part of a catching up conversation. It was none of his business. This kind of talk is best left to a mom, sister or very close girlfriend. No need to call the guy. He is not your problem. Your W is. You need to revisit the child issue and set boundaries with old male friends.


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## BluesPower

Motomessia said:


> No it’s not the only reason. When we had our son, he was her everything and all of sudden seemed to just forget about me. I don’t think it was intentional, and I didn’t push the issue for at least a year. But eventually I expressed how I felt. She seemed to understand and felt really bad about it, especially not noticing it was happening. And she attempted and still attempts to work on it. But now that he’s out of that baby stage, things are/were starting to get back to where I’m actually getting some of that attention and feeling of importance in her life like I used to. Call me selfish if you want. But that’s how it felt. I’ve expressed how I don’t want to go through those years of hell again, and that’s where we can’t agree. She assured me that it wouldn’t be that way with a second child, but I have no reason to believe her. And after all this, I’m that much further away from wanting to have another. We’ve talked about counseling, *but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce.*


*
*
First off, yes this is a mistake that lots of people make, sorry but esp women as new mothers. But sometimes it is both parents. 

What some people don't seem to understand is that... If the marriage is good, that child is going to be fine, maybe better than fine. 

However, saying "but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce." is strange to me. 

Look at it like this, if the marriage is going to break up, why not sooner rather than later? You both could learn to co-parent and move on with your lives.

This latest thing is really fishy, like really fishy. You have to figure this out and soon...


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## Gabriel

Marduk said:


> First, some questions:
> 
> Second, some advice - from a guy that's been in almost exactly this same situation.
> 1. Be calm. You flipped out, destroyed evidence, engaged the guy before you're ready, and just adding to the fire here. Don't do that.
> 2. This is not over. The longer you let this go on, the worse it will be when it happens again, or the better she will get at hiding it. She got something out of this man, and she now knows that she can reach out to this guy or others, and now she knows exactly how to get away with it.
> 3. I'd get into marriage counselling to get this sorted out. Tell your wife that you need to get to the bottom of it, including her past with this guy, what they talked about, why she thought it was OK to talk about her marriage to a guy she hadn't spoken to in 10 years, and why she reached out to him instead of you. She will blame it all on you, so be ready for that.
> 4. Start a journal. Write everything down that you remember before, during, and after this time. Ask her about events, write them all down. See what fits, and what doesn't.
> *5. I called the guy. We had a nice long conversation where he swore up and down that his intentions were good and they were just old friends. I suggested that since we're all friends, maybe we all sit down together - me, him, my wife... and his wife. "Her name is X, right? And she works at Y, right? How about we all sit down, go through all these phone calls and texts you've been sending each other and have a good laugh about two old friends catching up. She knows about all that, right?" Poof! He never reached out to her again. Guys are funny that way.*


This would work great, if the guy is married. Brilliant.


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## Lila

Motomessia said:


> We’ve talked about counseling, but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce.


I don't understand this thinking at all. Counseling is supposed to help address issues in the marriage. If your marriage has unresolvable issues, why would you choose to stay?


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## 2&out

I think you need to cut her a break and some slack. Does she treat / check up on you with the same smothering micromonitoring to an extreme that I seem to be reading and interpreting you do ? Yuk - think I feel bad for her.


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## phillybeffandswiss

jlg07 said:


> The one thing I don't buy -- she hasn't spoken to him in 10 YEARS? And yet HE is the person she thought to call and talk to? She doesn't have any female friends she can talk with?


This and let’s not forget he was gone, she was drinking, at least three conversations for a total of six hours and deleted texts.

You have to settle this in your mind before you do anything else. This will eat at you until you have a real possibly marriage ending fight. You either have to trust her, both of you get counseling and let it go.

Otherwise, dig until you do or do not find something.

It is an ugly road, but your resentment will be equal to hers for not having a second child.


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## Marduk

jlg07 said:


> The one thing I don't buy -- she hasn't spoken to him in 10 YEARS? And yet HE is the person she thought to call and talk to? She doesn't have any female friends she can talk with?


Simple. He was her escape plan if she decided to leave her husband.


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## StillSearching

Motomessia said:


> No it’s not the only reason. When we had our son, he was her everything and all of sudden seemed to just forget about me. I don’t think it was intentional, and I didn’t push the issue for at least a year. But eventually I expressed how I felt. She seemed to understand and felt really bad about it, especially not noticing it was happening. And she attempted and still attempts to work on it. But now that he’s out of that baby stage, things are/were starting to get back to where I’m actually getting some of that attention and feeling of importance in her life like I used to. Call me selfish if you want. But that’s how it felt. I’ve expressed how I don’t want to go through those years of hell again, and that’s where we can’t agree. She assured me that it wouldn’t be that way with a second child, but I have no reason to believe her. And after all this, I’m that much further away from wanting to have another. We’ve talked about counseling, but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce.


How about YOU fix things. Quit talking to her and start action.
Women react to your action. She has no interest in what you say....period.
You have much more power than you know to do so.
And she wants you to fix it....Read this.
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Positive-Masculinity-ebook/dp/B0748N6NW7


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## She'sStillGotIt

jlg07 said:


> The one thing I don't buy -- she hasn't spoken to him in 10 YEARS? And yet HE is the person she thought to call and talk to? She doesn't have any female friends she can talk with?


And for HOURS AND HOURS at a time?

"Friends" my ass.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Marduk said:


> Simple. He was her escape plan if she decided to leave her husband.


Monkey-branching while the hubby's away....


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## Blondilocks

Don't have another child - you can't handle it. You probably shouldn't have had the first one. You see children as taking away your right to your wife's full attention and affections. Some men are cut out to be great fathers and others not so much. 

Since you realize your limitations, it would be a kindness to set your wife free so that she can be with a man who does want to father children with her.


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## MJJEAN

Motomessia said:


> Call me selfish if you want. But that’s how it felt. I’ve expressed how I don’t want to go through those years of hell again, and that’s where we can’t agree. She assured me that it wouldn’t be that way with a second child, but I have no reason to believe her. And after all this, I’m that much further away from wanting to have another. We’ve talked about counseling, but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce.


It's not selfish to want your spouse to prioritize you. There should be a balance of child time, family time, and couple time. 

A 2nd child requires all the energy and effort of a 1st child with the addition of an older child needing care, as well. 



Motomessia said:


> Only what she told me. That they were catching up on all the past years and how she was feeling about the children situation and that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me. But honestly no, I don’t know what they talked about. I’ve been tempted to call him, but that’s probably not a good idea.


She was literally telling another man that she's thinking of leaving her husband because she wants to have procreative sex. This is definitely not appropriate behavior.



Marduk said:


> Simple. He was her escape plan if she decided to leave her husband.


Perhaps. She might also have been putting out feelers to see how well men would respond to her using this particular one as a test case. She even have been contemplating using him for insemination. Whatever her intentions or reasons her thing with "friend" was shady as all hell.


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## In Absentia

Looks to me she will have another child... with you or someone else.


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## Tilted 1

Motomessia said:


> .
> We have been doing much better since that happened and I Know they haven’t seen each other at all. But that thought is still in the back of my mind that there were bad intentions*. I know there are lots of guys on here that will yell CHEATER because it happened to them and they feel gratification when it happens to someone else.* But I would like to know some real thoughts on what I should do from here to move forward.
> Thanks in advance.


I know your angry, but saying we like it happens to someone else? Really? What you have here are choices to be made, and can only be done by you. You have very limited pathes to go, because she will make the decisions for you. And you will abide by them. She sure has drinking issues, and let's her preceived pain of another child front and center. 

You will either be in those plans or not, but you are giving her the power she needs to have. Nothing you do will ever be enough, where will the line be drawn the next time? For the most part your out of her circle, and that's a fact. It's either be what she expects or what will happen is just kicking the can down the road. Buckle up it's going to get bumpy, she's shown you where this will go already.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Don’t allow yourself to get beat up, read threads. That’s the best advice I can give you right now. You might get to witness one of our more interesting double standards. I won’t start the derail, but read some threads to get the tone.


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