# Wife changed from oral to vibrator



## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Up until recently my wife has generally gotten off from oral, followed by regular sex. Now she prefers using a vibrator which is fine however she doesn't want any "help" from me. Watching is great but I'd like to participate a little, too.

When she's done we have regular sex and then we pretty go our separate ways. Should I be satisfied and happy that she's willing to use a vibrator in front of me or am I out of line for wanting more?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you talked to her about this? If so what does she say?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Yeah, I (as the husband) would question why the change. If she enjoyed oral previously, why doesn't she want it now?  Something else going on that I don't know about?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

It could just be that she gets a better orgasm this way. I've always found it very difficult to O from PIV alone unless I've already come at least once. Different methods lead to different types of orgasms, so maybe your wife would prefer to have a vibrator O before moving on to PIV. Sometimes a woman knows exactly what she wants - how fast, how hard, whatever for the type of O she wants to have and added activity may distract her from getting there. Would she be averse to you pleasuring another part of her body while she does this? What about a really hot deep kissing session and/or playing with her nipples - that sounds like heaven to me


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> Up until recently my wife has generally gotten off from oral, followed by regular sex. Now she prefers using a vibrator which is fine however she doesn't want any "help" from me. Watching is great but I'd like to participate a little, too.
> 
> When she's done we have regular sex and then we pretty go our separate ways. Should I be satisfied and happy that she's willing to use a vibrator in front of me or am I out of line for wanting more?


It sounds as if you are struggling with feeling left out of her sexual enjoyment? On one hand, you find it erotic and are pleased that she is happy for you to watch her get herself off, but on the other hand, since she doesn't want your assistance you question your value in bringing her enjoyment? 

If this is true for you, your best bet is to confide in her how you feel. Together you can work through this but only if she 1. Knows how you feel and 2. Cares about how you feel.

Secondly, you mention that after sex you both go your separate ways and this suggests rather strongly that you are feeling some distance and disconnect. Staying together and basking in the afterglow is a vital part of emotionally connecting via sex, not matter how good or not so good the sex was.

On a side note, maybe other women can also identify with this too, but I've gone through periods in my life where sex with my husband felt very disconnected from actual feelings and WANTED that emotional connection. I've also gone through periods during which sex was ONLY about wanting JUST SEX. Don't know how old your wife is but if she's in her 40's and getting close to perimenopause, this could be the beginnings of her drive surge in which the word "insatiable" best describes the drive. Which would mean she NEEDS to have lots of orgasms, often.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You've been replaced by a vibrator. 

Time to brush up on those cunnilinguis skills for the next time she may give you a chance.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

You can help her with your [email protected]$k in her mouth as she plays with the vibrator. 
This should turn her on and she'll get there faster. 
Win - win
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tommyr said:


> You can help her with your [email protected]$k in her mouth as she plays with the vibrator.
> This should turn her on and she'll get there faster.
> Win - win


I like the way this guy thinks.

A woman who doesn't want you to do oral on her while she's ok with sucking your d!ick isn't exactly the biggest problem you'll ever have.

Don't stick it in a gift horse's mouth.

Or something like that.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

doobie said:


> It could just be that she gets a better orgasm this way. I've always found it very difficult to O from PIV alone unless I've already come at least once. Different methods lead to different types of orgasms, so maybe your wife would prefer to have a vibrator O before moving on to PIV.


That's true, I know she can't O from PIV which is why I did oral beforehand until now. Very little vibrator usage. Now she wants the vibrator instead which is fine with me as well. However, she basically doesn't want any interaction while she's using it.



doobie said:


> Sometimes a woman knows exactly what she wants - how fast, how hard, whatever for the type of O she wants to have and added activity may distract her from getting there. Would she be averse to you pleasuring another part of her body while she does this? What about a really hot deep kissing session and/or playing with her nipples - that sounds like heaven to me


I think that's it, no distractions for her. Whenever I try something she pushes me away. I can rub her feet and legs, that's the extent.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Have you talked to her about this? If so what does she say?


I haven't talked about this directly but I assume that she's able to get off better/more easily without distractions. Just wondering what the norm is.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> It sounds as if you are struggling with feeling left out of her sexual enjoyment? On one hand, you find it erotic and are pleased that she is happy for you to watch her get herself off, but on the other hand, since she doesn't want your assistance you question your value in bringing her enjoyment?


Exactly.



Anon Pink said:


> If this is true for you, your best bet is to confide in her how you feel. Together you can work through this but only if she 1. Knows how you feel and 2. Cares about how you feel.


I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel since I tried in different ways several times. #2 I'm not sure about.



Anon Pink said:


> Secondly, you mention that after sex you both go your separate ways and this suggests rather strongly that you are feeling some distance and disconnect. Staying together and basking in the afterglow is a vital part of emotionally connecting via sex, not matter how good or not so good the sex was.


She has absolutely no interest in that part whatsoever. It's very regimented and orderly. I suppose I shouldn't complain since I am getting it.



Anon Pink said:


> On a side note, maybe other women can also identify with this too, but I've gone through periods in my life where sex with my husband felt very disconnected from actual feelings and WANTED that emotional connection. I've also gone through periods during which sex was ONLY about wanting JUST SEX. Don't know how old your wife is but if she's in her 40's and getting close to perimenopause, this could be the beginnings of her drive surge in which the word "insatiable" best describes the drive. Which would mean she NEEDS to have lots of orgasms, often.


She is in her late 40s so that's possible, however I would hardly call her insatiable. She could take it or leave it. Since the vibrator is in my closet I'm the one suggesting it in the first place! Do you want to use it? Yes, OK she'll say.


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

doobie said:


> It could just be that she gets a better orgasm this way. I've always found it very difficult to O from PIV alone unless I've already come at least once. Different methods lead to different types of orgasms, so maybe your wife would prefer to have a vibrator O before moving on to PIV. Sometimes a woman knows exactly what she wants - how fast, how hard, whatever for the type of O she wants to have and added activity may distract her from getting there. Would she be averse to you pleasuring another part of her body while she does this? *What about a really hot deep kissing session and/or playing with her nipples - that sounds like heaven to me *


Your last comment made me chuckle-


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> Exactly.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You are a perfect example of the prioritization of needs. Your basic need for sex is being met. But we all Men and Women also have a need for emotional connection and yours isn't being met. Sounds like she's acting sort of indifferent toward you. That must not feel very good and if it goes on for long enough, it downright hurts.

How is she with showing affection other than sex?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Do be aware that extensive vibrator use can make it more difficult for women to orgasm in other ways. That may be OK, but something to be aware of.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

older women get more finicky about what type of sex they want. Their vagina walls get thinner and more sensitive, and she may just not want you poking around in there with some vibrator/dildo/finger for fear it would hurt. A nice fleshy penis is fine though, usually.

As far as no oral, a LOT of women do not like oral. For some its too stimulating, for some they think they are dirty down there, for some they fear a yeast infection....ask her WHY and figure out if there is some way around it. She owes you an explanation of WHY she no longer wants something you always did and enjoyed.

I'm hoping the reason she does not want you licking down there is not some sort of STD, like HPV virus caught from a lover, etc.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> Do be aware that extensive vibrator use can make it more difficult for women to orgasm in other ways. That may be OK, but something to be aware of.


It desensitizes.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Sounds like she's acting sort of indifferent toward you. That must not feel very good and if it goes on for long enough, it downright hurts.
> 
> How is she with showing affection other than sex?


Absolutely none. If you see my other posts you'll know why. It's not like she's purposely withholding affection to be mean it's just not in her culture etc.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

badsanta said:


> This method allows for use of the vibrator and the possibility of sharing simultaneous orgasms while lovemaking.
> 
> In other words, you'll get to participate together!


Very good idea! Thanks! I'm not sure she'll go for it but one can hope.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> As far as no oral, a LOT of women do not like oral. For some its too stimulating, for some they think they are dirty down there, for some they fear a yeast infection....ask her WHY and figure out if there is some way around it. She owes you an explanation of WHY she no longer wants something you always did and enjoyed.


Well, I tried oral again since I didn't offer the vibrator and it went well so maybe it doesn't have to be every time after all. Maybe she just likes to cycle through vibrator/oral. That's fine with me.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> It desensitizes.


This can become a problem if she uses her vibrator at higher settings (I have one and use it on lower settings so I don't have an issue with it). If she does experience desensitization, she may stop enjoying oral as much since she won't feel the sensation as well. :/


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## ILuvTheDesserts (Aug 29, 2014)

My wife and I do from time to time use her vibrators while we're having sex. The direct stimulation on her clitoris provides for a very strong orgasm .... maybe even a second one so it's not to use but occasionally. 

This way it remains special and allows us to enjoy one another without any outside assistance ?!


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

my wife is not too different from yours. she cums MUCH easier from vibes. with oral, she is reluctant to receive many times because she doesn't feel "fresh". she won't let me down there although she likes it and she knows how much i do. 

i am similar to you in that i hate laying there not participating. i want to be part of her pleasure. she knows this but the "freshness" thing gets in the way sometimes. i honestly think she is fresh all the time but she is way more self conscious about it than i am sensitive to it.

i just constantly make my feelings known and she concedes often enough to keep me happy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I go through cycles where I need a vibrator, and then I go back being able get off from oral. If it's recent I wouldn't worry too much, but you could ask her in a non confrontational way what's going on.

I agree that going you separate ways after might be an issue though, emotional disconnect is usually not good for the sex life. Address that first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

My wife doesn't seem to get off on intercourse. She enjoys it but she really LOVES her Hitachi magic wand. I wish I never bought the damn thing now. When we make love we usually do intercourse and after I go she does her wand thing and I finger her to several more orgasms. I'm glad she enjoys but wish she could get off through regular IC without that damn thing between us.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

I think it's a cycle thing, sometimes yes, sometimes no as I did oral again this over the weekend and she came multiple times. So all's good in that department I imagine. There are still plenty of other issues to deal with though.

I bought a lock box recently and put the vibrator in it so it can be located within easy access for her so if she feels like she wants it she can bring it herself from now on.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
You can use a hitachi and have intercourse at the same time. 

It is true though that using a powerful vibrator desensitiizes some women to where they are dependent on it. 



committed_guy said:


> My wife doesn't seem to get off on intercourse. She enjoys it but she really LOVES her Hitachi magic wand. I wish I never bought the damn thing now. When we make love we usually do intercourse and after I go she does her wand thing and I finger her to several more orgasms. I'm glad she enjoys but wish she could get off through regular IC without that damn thing between us.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lenzi said:


> You've been replaced by a vibrator.
> 
> Time to brush up on those cunnilinguis skills for the next time she may give you a chance.


She said she used to get off from him going down on her. 

Unfortunately, a man's tongue cannot oscillate at 2,200 rpm. his wife has desensitized herself to him. 

This is not his fault. 

She needs to toss the vibrator, go for about three months without touching her cooch, and then let him go down on her. 

Giving a woman head is a hugely satisfying experience for me. I love doing it for her and for myself because I love the satisfaction of getting a woman off. If a woman did not let me go down on her she would be history.


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## mickeylover43 (Dec 1, 2011)

bravo29 said:


> Well, I tried oral again since I didn't offer the vibrator and it went well so maybe it doesn't have to be every time after all. Maybe she just likes to cycle through vibrator/oral. That's fine with me.


My wife has used a vibe for 20 years- that never keep me from participating. There are lots of other pleasure areas besides the clit and lots of ways to use your tongue and lips!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bravo29 said:


> I haven't talked about this directly but I assume that she's able to get off better/more easily without distractions. Just wondering what the norm is.


Well, the "norm" is involving your partner during sex...

This is the only thing that concerns me - that she prefers no touching during this so-called foreplay.

I mean, she can do that on her own, whenever she wants. When she's with you, however, you should be involved, somehow.

As somebody crudely said on page 1, perhaps she can perform oral on you while she's using her vibrator on herself. Trust me, it's fun.

But... if she refuses to do anything at this particular moment (can't concentrate, too distracting, etc.) then you've got a problem on your hands. I'm not an ***hole, generally, but I think if it continued this way, I'd probably leave the room and tell her to let you know when she's done. Go have a bowl of cereal or something, check your email, walk the dog. I mean, you're not needed, so might as well do something to pass the time.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

alexm said:


> As somebody crudely said on page 1, perhaps she can perform oral on you while she's using her vibrator on herself. Trust me, it's fun.


I've tried that and I'm pretty sure she'd rather concentrate on getting herself off. She doesn't really communicate what she likes and doesn't unless she really doesn't like it. Then she'll tell me. Otherwise I'm in the dark. I think she could take it or leave it.



alexm said:


> But... if she refuses to do anything at this particular moment (can't concentrate, too distracting, etc.) then you've got a problem on your hands. I'm not an ***hole, generally, but I think if it continued this way, I'd probably leave the room and tell her to let you know when she's done. Go have a bowl of cereal or something, check your email, walk the dog. I mean, you're not needed, so might as well do something to pass the time.


I can lick her inner thigh, nipples and kiss her. I don't think it's adding anything for her though and in fact she never has told me she liked anything I did to her. Zero verbal feedback. I know she has Os but that's just the way she is.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> I've tried that and I'm pretty sure she'd rather concentrate on getting herself off. She doesn't really communicate what she likes and doesn't unless she really doesn't like it. Then she'll tell me. Otherwise I'm in the dark. I think she could take it or leave it.
> 
> I can lick her inner thigh, nipples and kiss her. I don't think it's adding anything for her though and in fact she never has told me she liked anything I did to her. Zero verbal feedback. I know she has Os but that's just the way she is.


Don't assume that she does not enjoy those things. If she didn't, she'd tell you.

Have you tried getting yourself off while she's using the vib? Fix it so that she can see your face while it is going on?

Or perhaps let herself get herself off and then go gently to work on her nipples and thighs. Use your fingers on her skin. If that gets her engine running you can then move on to other things.

There are many other things that the two of you can do. There are no rules and nobody else is watching. Experiment.

One last thing: try to talk non-confrontationally about her not sharing what she likes. But be warned, she may not know. Some women seem to get lost in a sexual fog and can't track exactly what is turning them on at a given moment. For some, it is the totality of the experience that counts.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> Have you tried getting yourself off while she's using the vib?


Afterwards we have regular sex so that wouldn't be possible.



sidney2718 said:


> Fix it so that she can see your face while it is going on?


She always closes her eyes throughout.



sidney2718 said:


> One last thing: try to talk non-confrontationally about her not sharing what she likes. But be warned, she may not know. Some women seem to get lost in a sexual fog and can't track exactly what is turning them on at a given moment. For some, it is the totality of the experience that counts.


Thanks. Worth a try.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I prefer toys to be part of the equation!! Sex is great, the bond we make is awesome, foreplay rocks, kissing, etc but her most powerful whole body quivering orgasms come from expensive clitoral vibrators with me playing copilot with fingers etc.

It's easy as a guy to get our ego hurt............just get her to let you play more when ya'll are together.


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