# Update and a question



## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

Ok long story shot my wife cheated on me. It happened like about 6 months ago. Now we are going to counseling and things are starting to get back to where they were and in some ways even better.

Its like falling in love with her all over again. She tells me that she loves me all the time. We have even talked about having a child in the next year or two. :smthumbup:

O before I forget to tell you guys. I finally got my motorcycle licience. :smthumbup: She was even supportive of me getting it. Thats a big change.

Now heres my question. Through snooping (even though things are going good I just cant fully trust her) I found out she has a friend calling her often. Not too often but the same time everyday. When she is working. Naturally I called the number and found out his name. Yea I know sad. What bothers me is Ive never heard of him before. She has never said the name in passing or anything like that. Im like if someone is your friend I would of thought that she would of mentioned his name before. 

So I need some advise on if I should question her about it or just let it go. The problem Im having is I see she is trying. Do i compromise that by asking her about it or do I let it continue. I just fear that things will end up back where they were but with someone new.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Typically, after recovering from an affair, the person who had the affairs life should be an open book until trust is restored and you feel comfortable. Its up to you to decide if your to the point where this info won't fester and cause further problems in other ways. Do you think she will react badly if you ask her? Or are you afraid of finding out what might be behind the calls?


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

For your marriage to work going forward there has to be complete trust. It was VERY hard for me to become trusting again. My spouce had to become completely transparent. I think not only do you have the right to ask, but she has the obligation to share completely (omission is still lying).
They quicker she becomes transparent, the faster you will regain trust.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

iheartmywife said:


> Do i compromise that by asking her about it or do I let it continue. I just fear that things will end up back where they were but with someone new.


If it was me id ask about the guy. i never had issues snooping on my H and letting him know it. 

but you have to consider that whatever answer she gives you will not satisfy you. you'll have the suspicion and even if she is guilty she might tell you its just a friend. you wont be satisfied with that answer. then it'll turn into a fight where nothing gets resolved. 

i think you need to figure out what you really want from her, and instead of asking about this one person specifically, maybe talk about you being able to question her, go through her phone, and ask her questions. just explain your vulnerability. if you come right out and ask about this guy, you wont get a straight answer anyway and she will probably get defensive. so i think instead you should talk about how you are feeling, and what you need from her (being able to look at her phone and ask her questions) and then take it from there.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

Well things just went from great to good to right back where we started. I honestly am at my wits end with her. For every effort she puts in its like she makes sure to sabotage it with crap.

I asked her about the guy. She claims she doesnt know who it is. Sang that song the whole night. And all Im thinking is if this guy is nobody why lie about it. So when I finally hit her with the guy is in the her phone book she shuts down. Not wanting to apologize or just damn well tell the truth she ignores me. Now im at a point where Im not sure what to do. We have counseling this tuesday but the weekend is long. 

I promised her just yesterday that I wont walk away but Im honestly feeling that there is no point to sit down behind her. She calls me fake. Ive put my best foot forward minus checking the phone records. I told her before Im not tryin to go through it with her again. Now here we are on this four horse merry go round. 

I dont no what to do again. I know she loves me as do I. Im just at a loss. I dont even feel like going home. Since therapy I have always wanted nothing more than to hurry home after work. Now all thats gone. I honestly feel like kicking her and her sister out the house.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

iheartmywife said:


> I know she loves me as do I.


If she loved you, she wouldnt treat you this way.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

phone the guy !! you deserve to know


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

I spoke to the guy. I told him that not to call her again. He agreed. She actually gave me the phone to talk to him. She told me that she she will not be talking to him or dealing with him anymore. She was like how he was just a friend. However, when you hide it from me thats when your wrong. 

ljt you are right about if she loves me she would not treat me like that. I will be bring that up in counseling tomorow. I am on my last leg with her. Literally. After christmas I will be opening a separate bank account just in case things go bad. Its something I never thought I would have to do. I dont believe in separate bank accounts but I wont be leaving without a shirt on my back.

At counseling Im going to give her an altermadum. One is her friend or friends. The ones thats giving her the you go girl for all the crap she doing. Two changing where she works. Lastly be completely transparent. That means if I check the phone or ask a question there shouldnt be any lies or I shouldnt find anything. Plus there shouldnt be any deleted call logs or text logs. If she cant do that then its time for me to go. 

We were going good for two weeks. Best two weeks in a long time and then this crap happens. Im not going to sit there and be her doormat. Its either love me respect me or leave.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

iheartmywife said:


> At counseling Im going to give her an altermadum. One is her friend or friends. The ones thats giving her the you go girl for all the crap she doing. Two changing where she works. Lastly be completely transparent. That means if I check the phone or ask a question there shouldnt be any lies or I shouldnt find anything. Plus there shouldnt be any deleted call logs or text logs. If she cant do that then its time for me to go.


Good for you. I think that's exactly what you need to do.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Just be careful when issuing ultimatums...you really need to be serious about following through once you give them, or you will become a doormat because she will then know you aren't strong enough to follow through. 

I totally agree with her needing to be transparant and open book in order to regain your trust. The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding and then finding something else in question will beat you down over time and undo all you both have accomplished.

Really think through the dropping friends and switching jobs. Changing jobs can take time and you need to be clear on what you mean here...if she lives open book but does not want to switch jobs, is that enough? As far as the friends, if they are hurting your marriage, I agree the less time spent there the better. However, if this is also her means of emotional support, it may be difficult to do especially with the other 2 demands at the same time. You may want to handle this in a way it serves you both...have something to replace this for her...start spending more time with married couples or dating...doing new things together may make this easier for her to distance herself.

Good luck...you have a lot of positives happening right now & I hope they begin to work in your favor.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

This below should be posted on the site permanently. If any spouse can't do those things they aren't worth your time. Period end of story.

At counseling Im going to give her an altermadum. One is her friend or friends. The ones thats giving her the you go girl for all the crap she doing. Two changing where she works. Lastly be completely transparent. That means if I check the phone or ask a question there shouldnt be any lies or I shouldnt find anything. Plus there shouldnt be any deleted call logs or text logs. If she cant do that then its time for me to go. 

We were going good for two weeks. Best two weeks in a long time and then this crap happens. Im not going to sit there and be her doormat. Its either love me respect me or leave.[/QUOTE]


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