# He always threatens divorce during fights.Seeking perspective.



## WanderingLost (Dec 30, 2012)

Here's my situation in a nutshell. I've been married to my husband for a little over 4 yrs. We are both 30 and no kids. We only dated for a year before getting engaged and were married after a quick couple months. (He was raised Mormon and I guess that quick engagements are normal for them) I was raised to explore personal spirituality in many forms (Tarot cards, Native American, I-Ching,Wicca...pretty much whatever, my parents are into the new age stuff) So we have very different views on politics and religion. (Conservative Mormon/Christianity vs Liberal/New Wave/Hippie) This I don't think is a deal breaker, except he wants me to explore my spiritual needs privately and feels uncomfortable with some of my choices (like using tarot cards) I'm trying to be understanding of that. I even offered to keep everything in my home office, but it still feels like I have to hide in my own home.

Here is the real issue for the past years of marriage we generally don't fight but when we do he always threatens to leave, sometimes using divorce as a weapon and becomes very spiteful and says really nasty things. He always then apologizes saying he didn't mean it and he was just trying to hurt me. This has led us into a nasty cycle and I no longer want sex and have trouble getting into any sort of intimacy with him. These type of fights have happened about 8 times or so. The last time, 3 weeks ago, I finally decided to call his bluff and agree to separation. This was a short lived idea and he has been back home for the past 2 weeks and although we agreed to try everything and make it work we haven't been talking (about our marriage) When I bring it up we fight. He wants a clean slate, for me to forget all the hurtful things he has said and done. I simply cannot just forget about our history as I am afraid we will end up in the same cycle we have been in. I want to talk and work out our issues, he wants to have sex and go out and party together. I have tried to explain that I will not feel comfortable having sex until we connect emotionally again. I know sex is huge but I just don't want it right now, i'm still hurting and confused. I have even tried watching porn alone to try and get me in the mood and it does help but it also bothers me that I have to do this. I know he would be hurt if he knew this as well. I fear we didn't take enough time to really get to know each other before trying the knot and that we aren't meant to last forever. 

Obviously, there is more to any story but these are the big roadblocks in our way currently and i'm starting to run out of will to fight for us. Any advice or perspective is welcome.


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## WanderingLost (Dec 30, 2012)

I'd like to add that I am the only person in our household with a job. He runs a recording studio and is in a band so he makes some money and i've always been supportive of him but after 4 years with 0 savings and 0 plan for our future i'm starting to get more stressed and more anxious about what our life will be.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

IMO I think you both are to mismatched. He also acts like a child when he threatens to leave or divorce. He has no real communication skills other than to throw out the "I want a divorce card." BUT yet he doesn't follow through. Its about control. You have a job, you have no kids, the door is open for you to walk through it and walk away, if you really want to. I doubt he will change. Or you can stay and live in this mess of a cycle. Next time you all get into a fight, tell him you are the one that wants a divorce and make it happen. Or if he says it, then you make it happen. He isn't going to, he likes the childish games.


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## WanderingLost (Dec 30, 2012)

I actually called him on the games the other night. I wanted to talk and he started telling me "friends" are saying things to him and he knows more than I think. I finally dragged it out of him that he somehow received my entire sent box from my phone, it somehow on its own forwarded every text sent. Probably a few to my mom or other girlfriends that made him upset, but why not just be honest? Why try and make me think my friends are running their mouths, I reminded him we are 30 and not in high school.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

He is into game playing, its up you you whether you stay and play the game or not.


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## donethat (Dec 31, 2012)

I had to reply to your message because I went through the same thing you're going through. I've been married 29 years, but not happily. In the early years of our marriage, whenever we fought, my husband would always say, "So, you want to divorce?" or "Let's just get a divorce." It always shocked me so much because we hadn't been married very long and I took our vows seriously. He also fought very down and dirty, immediately resorting to name calling (and I mean dirty). I remember at times it took my breath away (in a bad way) because I couldn't believe he had such a nasty side. I tried to talk to him, saying we need ground rules--no name calling, etc. He would agree, but then the next argument, all bets were off and he was awful again.

There were other issues, but his temper/method of dealing with conflict was probably the major one. He called me so many horrible things--*****, c-word, etc.--that I couldn't get past it. We went to counseling. Nothing helped. He would apologize, but then just repeat the conduct.

To make a long story short, it broke our relationship and my love for him. I even tried to explain that to him, but it never penetrated. He blamed me for not forgetting everything and moving on. I was the one with the problem. Our sex life went way south and never recovered, in my opinion because he never took responsibility for disrespecting me.

Why am I still here? Children and money issues. It's ironic because for the past 7 years or so, he has stopped much of the behavior but it doesn't matter to me. I don't care. I'm shut down. It just killed me, when I loved him but he treated me like that.

I'm writing because I sought help back then but it didn't work. I wanted to warn you about what you are probably facing.

My husband has been a good and steady provider. We did have kids together. Otherwise I probably would not have stayed. I was in my early 30s when we married. Do the math. I've spent my life with him. He's not a bad person, but the main thing that broke our marriage is the issue you wrote about. I have had much joy in my life, from my children, my work, hobbies, etc. But not from him.


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## donethat (Dec 31, 2012)

One more thing. He would kind of do surveillance on me (he was in law enforcement), and he made up reasons to get jealous and accuse me of flirting or being attracted to other men. It was completely in his own mind.


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## WanderingLost (Dec 30, 2012)

donethat said:


> I had to reply to your message because I went through the same thing you're going through. I've been married 29 years, but not happily. In the early years of our marriage, whenever we fought, my husband would always say, "So, you want to divorce?" or "Let's just get a divorce." It always shocked me so much because we hadn't been married very long and I took our vows seriously. He also fought very down and dirty, immediately resorting to name calling (and I mean dirty). I remember at times it took my breath away (in a bad way) because I couldn't believe he had such a nasty side. I tried to talk to him, saying we need ground rules--no name calling, etc. He would agree, but then the next argument, all bets were off and he was awful again.
> 
> There were other issues, but his temper/method of dealing with conflict was probably the major one. He called me so many horrible things--*****, c-word, etc.--that I couldn't get past it. We went to counseling. Nothing helped. He would apologize, but then just repeat the conduct.
> 
> ...


 I really appreciate your perspective, and yes i've been called the nasty names and i've really tried to let it go over the past year but they leave a mark that I cannot seem to heal. I've offered a trial separation in where we set guidelines but he says his ego is already too bruised. He feels rejected and I feel put down and hurt. I know I should try harder but I feel that if we weren't married we would not still be together. Maybe since we do not have kids it's easier for me to detach emotionally?


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