# Ladies...help me decipher my wife's signals!



## Phantomwriter (Nov 29, 2011)

*
My first post on this website should have been titled "I just don't get it", but more important than stating the obvious, I needed an APB to married females who can help me decipher the complicated signals that have been coming from my wife. Now don't worry, we're happy, but the bedroom has become a sore spot for both of us for almost a year now.
Here's the scenario.
Me-5'8-155lbs-Black hair-blue eyes-square-jawed and handsome-more than adequate equipment. Usually the initiator, the one in control. The young restless spirit who has "Hair brained schemes and another story idea or news story to tell you about." Give me five minutes and I can make you smile. Entrepreneur, mentor, teacher.
Her-5-8-long legs/thin waist-perky boobs. Cat eyes and high cheekbones, pretty and sassy as all hell. The old soul, the grounded one, the one who says"That's so funny" rather than laughing at it. Organized, regimenistic brave and caring. Walks tall as a tree and isn't scared of anybody.
We've been married 18 years and always had great sex
My problem? It's down to once a month! Now, it's not as bad as some people's that I've seen on this site, but for us? Our marriage that's still a strong force to be reckoned with, I'm getting frustrated. 
Is it one of those things where she likes a good filet mignon but has had the same dinner for 18 years and is sick of it?
We have kids so it is difficult to be spontaneous and with her and I, usually, nothing's taboo...swings that hang from the ceiling, toys(for her) and stockings and transparent T-shirts(for me) but it seems like she feels "Pressured". Like she's loosing interest more and more and when I bring it up it's "Oh stop". In her defense, she takes an anti-depressant that has a libido killing side effect and in mine, I know my way around my wife so I'm not worried about that part.
SOOOO many question. I respect my wife. We've been through So much together and YES, we fought like mighty celtic warriors but those times are gone. We found that medium and I'm wondering if that medium setting has been reached in our sex lives. She won't let me use toys anymore(I use them with taste, turn on for both of us). She has no interest in wearing anything for the occasion, and before say anything, I'm talking a denim skirt w/ no panties or just a pair of stockings, my wife is pretty and slim and it doesn't take much to get my motor running w/ her. It seems like it's such a bother to her and when she goes out with her girlfriends(no clubs-game night w/ the girls, which includes gossip, 420, and sharing the responsibility of taking care of a friend of ours who has MS(female also)) or to work, she puts more effort into that than for me...once a month.
She's high maintanence, which means I make her coffee and I'm the domesticated man, I do all the cooking, pay the bills, play taxi, clean, do laundry, go to school full-time and work full-time(16 hr sat and sun) She seems slow on keeping up w/ her end of things too, which makes me wonder if she's just getting older and isn't really into it so much any more.
I just can't figure it out. I'm tired of walking on egg shells and not mentioning it for fear she might get snappy. I try not to say anything and be loving, kissing her like she likes, and I'm a great talker so we can still talk but not as much as we used too because there just isn't much to talk about really. Maybe that's it, I'm not stimulating her mind, but I try with other things like current events, news, gossip about friends and relatives(which she likes)Any insight into what the hell is going on w/ her?
Tired of fantasizing about her, and her and another woman and her and me and the pizza guy, and her as my slave, and me as hers. I'm not dead, and I'm still a good lookin' man, how can I get her wheels turning? I love her and love our sex together...any one else been through this? 
Thanks and by the way, I love the anonymity here
Signed
Phantomwriter*


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Anti depressants can sure do a number on sex drive. Or maybe the depression its self is killing the drive. 

How old is she? Maybe its hormonal issues. If so bring it up and see if she will get checked out.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Talk to her. Communication is the sexiest thing!!!! Just like you are frustrated, maybe there is something she isn't telling you. It might be something that is her issue/problem to face..... but something that bugs her enough to mess up the sex life. I don't see how you can go wrong talking about it to her...at least she'll know you are still crazy about her and still want her.


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## mrwawa (Nov 9, 2011)

PhantomWriter,

Not a female, but my advice is to go check out the book Married Man Sex Life Primer, or read the blog Married Man Sex Life.

She is presenting you with a lot of fitness tests that you are totally failing. Many might disagree with this assessment, and I don't totally buy into this framework of seeing relationships, but it is an angle that is worth exploring.

Ultimately, you need a little more alpha in your life.

Interested in others opinions.


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## monkeyface (Dec 2, 2011)

Phantomwriter said:


> *
> I'm not stimulating her mind, but I try with other things like current events, news, gossip about friends and relatives(which she likes)*[/B]


The anti-depressant issue aside, which could be a HUGE aside, but that aside, I think you hit the nail on the head in the quote above. My husband only talks about the same kind of stuff you mentioned and as interesting as it all is, it sometimes leaves my emotional side kind of wanting. I agree with telling her how aroused she gets you and how sexy she is and how badly you want her. Maybe talk a little dirty if she likes that. The brain is the largest sexual organ! Stimulate stimulate stimulate!! 

Just one thought, maybe you wife feels like you're more of a provider than an equal if you handle the majority of the responsibilities in the relationship? Sounds similar to my marriage and I've struggled with that at times. :scratchhead: I feel fortunate that my husband takes on so much, but it also makes me feel a little unneeded at times. 

Hope this helps!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Phantom ~

I don't think it's that uncommon for there to be ebbs and flows in intimacy throughout a long-term relationship like marriage. As long as you both have the mindset that you will continue to 'hang onto' each other and be committed to working together, you can typically weather these periods, and often come out the other side stronger and more committed than before.

You mention that things changed about a year ago. Was there anything in particular that happened at that point in time? New job, new hobbies, more time away from home, new friends?

Is that when she started taking the anti-depressants? Or has she been been on them for awhile. Does she do any kind of therapy along with the anti-depressants?

Has she been back to her doctor to discuss any side effects, such as a loss of libido, that her meds may be causing her?

Does she have other side effects from her anti-depressant? Some of them can cause not only loss of libido, but can cause anorgasmia - or the inability to have an orgasm. When you do have sex, is she able to reach orgasm, does she seem satisfied?

Is she active - does she exercise? Exercise can be one of the most beneficial things that a mild/moderately depressed person can do.

How old is she? She could be starting to enter perimenopause, which is a time of hormonal imbalance leading up to menopause. It can actually last quite a long time for some women - most often starts in their 30's and continues in their 40's up until they reach menopause usually in their early 50's. It can make a woman feel 'out of sorts' in many ways - and many women miss the symptoms and suffer needlessly. Again, there are a lot of 'homeopathic' things she can do to alleviate these symptoms if that is what it is - eating nutritious whole foods, exercising, getting enough sleep, reducing stress, taking a high-quality multi-vitamin.

And, lastly, why do you do so much around the house for her? Have you always done this, or is this more recent? While wives want their husbands to help out (unprompted, mind you ), constantly being at her beck and call is unattractive and could cause her to lose respect and attraction for you. Us women like our men to be strong in the self-respect area, so reflect on what kinds of interactions you are having with her, and whether those could be sabotaging her desire.

I hope you will come back and give us an update.

Best wishes.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Phantom ~
> 
> I don't think it's that uncommon for there to be ebbs and flows in intimacy throughout a long-term relationship like marriage. As long as you both have the mindset that you will continue to 'hang onto' each other and be committed to working together, you can typically weather these periods, and often come out the other side stronger and more committed than before.
> 
> ...



All great advice... but in reality it comes always back to the wife! (A male perspective)

If she never wraps her mind around sex being important... its like running into a brick wall.

For me two years of doing all the above. Two years of her doing all the above (except going outside herself for help..like a doctor or psychiatrist)

This morning she got another e-mail of how SHE needs to change for he betterment of our marriage... you get to the point its all HER.

I just don't get females and why they pull this junk. You are married and marriage is about sex. Regardless of anything else. Its crazy... women could improve their marriages instantly giving us guys sex once in a while.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

To me it seems the problem is plain and simple you are scared of her. You do all the work are scared to talk about subjects, and expect her to be 'kind' to you. Not all women work like that. You write isnt scared of anybody meaning most likely yourself. I see no solution except the drastic one which is making sure you pull your weight.


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## Phantomwriter (Nov 29, 2011)

I got an answer from her, but first let me thank everyone for your insight and thoughts.
Not going into a LONG history lesson but it wasn't like this in the beginning, I made the money, she worked part-time, spent a lot of time with the kids. Couldn't ask for a better mother. She never cooked, that's what she liked about me. I opened doors, wrote romantic poems, made her coffee. I LIKE to spoil her. it makes me happy to see her happy. She had a rough life. mean step-dad, borderline abuse but I knew the real woman was shut in there, calloused by the ignorant men in her life, before and after her leaving out on her own. She was 21 and I was 23 when we got married, now it's 40-42 respectively.
We fought...A LOT in the beginning! Screaming. Power struggle. My first daughter grew up around that. Many years later and we've learned not to battle anymore, and on the occasions that we do, my son seems traumatized by it cause' he's not used to it. I don't want that life again. I was totally undomesticated when I met my wife. I cooked and worked and made her laugh. I spent all this time getting domesticated and now some of you say I do too much? That I should stand my ground and pick fights over sex? Like that will pay off for me somewhere? I can't do that to my kids. I'm going to school full time and working full time, I can't let that get in the way and believe me it will.
Besides, I asked her straight out and you know what she said?
It's just her age and that she just doesn't have the same libido anymore. "It will come back to me in my fifties".
FIFTIES? WTF! Her libido crashed, but mine's fine! What now? Pick a fight? MARRIAGE FAIL! Officially not living up to her end of the bargain.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks I feel sorry for you. You cant wait till your fifties. Its not picking fights just about sex what you seem to say is the only thing wrong with her. It must be deeper than that. It rarely is only about sex. You write you had a power struggle which it seems she won. That is the main problem. You thought giving in to her would help. It may give you a quiet life but it wont give you sex. It may be too late to change and I doubt if counselling will work. You say you have a son that complicates matters. You say she had a rough life, sometimes that is what a woman still wants which seems to be the case here. I repeat I am really sorry for you, you dont seem to be the man to give her what she really wants.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

A guy here, but it really could just be age/settling in. It could also be depression. You say the sex life was decent up until about a year ago. Any major events that may have triggered this?

If you're doing all these nice things and she's growing disconnected, it is unfortunate because we think sometimes that who wouldn't want a nice person treating them well? As far as picking battles and fights, although you're both battle-weary at this point, maybe try to challenge her in some way. This might be the fitness testing that was mentioned earlier. If she had a rough life, it's just something she's used to; it was her model growing up and something that she feels comforted by. 



Phantomwriter said:


> Her libido crashed, but mine's fine! What now? Pick a fight? MARRIAGE FAIL! Officially not living up to her end of the bargain.


Yeah, not good man. It's going to be tough for you. I do think in your situation you are going to have to start challenging her again, not necessarily to pick fights, but to engage her mind--fitness test kind of stuff.

Give her something to fight for again (for her to feel needed). Perhaps when getting her coffee, leave the mug empty. Sit the mug on the table in front of her. With a mischievous grin on your face, tip it over in front of her. Then say, "You get it." Then see what she does, but still don't fill up the mug if she doesn't react at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Phantomwriter said:


> I got an answer from her, but first let me thank everyone for your insight and thoughts.
> ….
> FIFTIES? WTF! Her libido crashed, but mine's fine! What now? Pick a fight? MARRIAGE FAIL! Officially not living up to her end of the bargain.


Nope you should not pick a fight. But her just accepting her lower libido also should not be accepted. There are things that she can do such as progesterone creams, etc. She can see a doctor who specializes in this area. It’s most likely a hormone imbalance.

There is a good book, “His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Harley. Love Busters is another very good book for what you are dealing with. 

They are available through Amazon and the Marriage Builder website. They give a very doable approach to determining each of your needs and negotiating to get them filled. My suggestion would be that you read the book first yourself. Then if she will join you in this. She has to realize that over time, if she does nothing to improve her libido, that your marriage could be irreparably damaged.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*There are things that she can do such as progesterone creams, etc. She can see a doctor who specializes in this area. It’s most likely a hormone imbalance.*
I wrote that I dont think this is the problem at all. It rarely is. She simply doesnt want a man behaving like you. There is a saying you can take an animal out of the jungle but you cant take the jungle out of the animal.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I just don't get females and why they pull this junk. You are married and marriage is about sex. Regardless of anything else. Its crazy... women could improve their marriages instantly giving us guys sex once in a while.


Ah, see, to YOU marriage is about sex.

But, likely, to YOUR WIFE marriage is about MORE than sex.

Therein lies the crux of the problem and the solution all in the same.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Phantomwriter said:


> It's just her age and that she just doesn't have the same libido anymore. "It will come back to me in my fifties".
> FIFTIES? WTF! Her libido crashed, but mine's fine! What now? Pick a fight? MARRIAGE FAIL! Officially not living up to her end of the bargain.


To me, it could very well be that she has severe hormonal imbalance. Many women go through that in their 40's - I am there right now and it definitely stinks - before they get to menopause. But who knows what the future holds and what menopause will bring?

The issue is that she is willing to WAIT instead of trying to address something NOW.

_“Everything comes too late for those who only wait.” ~ Elbert Hubbard _ 

I would insist that she get a comprehensive check-up. I would insist that she give you her all, beginning with a truthful answer as to why she is willing to de-prioritize you and the marriage and to be content to wait.

If I were you, I wouldn't wait for her libido to change. I would take action now to try and address the issues.

Best wishes.


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## mrspink (Oct 17, 2011)

spice things up? everyone loves a challenge and it seems you give her everything she wants. she never has to work for anything anymore which can make for no fun! try tapping into your younger self and what made her fall in love with you in the first place?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm not a lady but here it goes...

Domesticated and predictable = Boring sex (eventually)

I'm not exactly the domesticated man you described but I've been very stable and predictable for the last 20 years. I think this has actually worked against me with regards to hot regular sex. My wife is 48 and only needs sex once a month. Its always around the same time in her "cycle". She also said that she's not into it as much and she does not think about other men. I'm not totally convinced, but she has no complaints and is faithful (I trust but verify). By the way, I'm the fit one in the relationship so basically I'm physically the same guy with thinner hair. I'm starting to believe this dynamic is a psychologically cruel reality of nature. As a women nears menopause it seems her biological sex drive becomes weaker since she cannot or should not procreate. As men hit middle age they still have a mentally strong sex drive and some men appear to also have an increased focus on sex (Dirty old men on Viagra...). Maybe this is driven by men perceiving this is their last chance to inseminate potential breeders? To be a man.... Whatever the reason this is a common scenario from what I can see.

So you're not alone. I've followed some of the good the advice here and lovingly explained to my wife that I need mutually enjoyable sex to remain intimate with her and I can't be happy without this type of intimacy. This means she has to be into it and is having her needs met which is not so easy to figure out. I've tried to understand her "love languages" but since she doesn't actually tell me its an iterative process of trial and error. It does get old trying after a while. I also told her that I would rather be alone then be in what I consider an empty marriage, but the funny thing is she doesn't consider it empty. 

I've recently become burned out on trying to improve our relationship and sex life and she actually misinterpreted my disinterest. She said "I thought that your just getting older and didn't need it as much" which she said was actually a relief (Ugh!). I'm sort of numb at this point. My wife is the queen of denial and avoids conflict at all costs. I have to remind her occasionally that I have needs, but just talking about isn't effective and getting upset at her just does damage to her fragile self esteem. I think the unfortunate reality is that you need to wake your wife up with a change of pace. You are too predicable. Its talked about all over this forum for a reason. She needs to think that your undying love is not a given and that your a viable sex partner for other women. Its about changing your actions. Words are worthless in this phase of a relationship. All they hear is blah, blah, I want sex again... blah, blah, blah. My approach has to been to take her out on fun dates, tell her that I love her and want her to be my partner, but I remain very cool about it. I occasionally work her up and leave her hanging sexually. I make plans of my own on a regular basis and purposely do not include her unless its absolutely necessary. I've been emotionally vulnerable in front of her but not in a desperate way. I basically act like we're dating and that I may or may not be asking her out again. If I can talk to an attractive women in front of her this is a bonus. I don't embarrass her or openly flirt but I make eye contact, engage in some witty conversation and always have a big smile. I use my man voice. 

So far I've had some success, but I'm pretty sure it will never be what it was when we were younger. I think that's just the reality of being with someone for 20 years and being near 50. Hopefully my experience can give you some insight. 

Peace.


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## monkeyface (Dec 2, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> My approach has to been to take her out on fun dates, tell her that I love her and want her to be my partner, but I remain very cool about it. I occasionally work her up and leave her hanging sexually. I make plans of my own on a regular basis and purposely do not include her unless its absolutely necessary. I've been emotionally vulnerable in front of her but not in a desperate way. I basically act like we're dating and that I may or may not be asking her out again. If I can talk to an attractive women in front of her this is a bonus. I don't embarrass her or openly flirt but I make eye contact, engage in some witty conversation and always have a big smile. I use my man voice.


OK, from a woman's point of view, this would be a total turn off for me. Sounds like the crappy part of dating that we were both happy to leave behind when we got married 21 years ago. The games and what not. If my husband started acting like this I think it would make me very hurt and confused, not at all aroused. :scratchhead: I'm sorry, just my opinion. I understand you're trying everything in the book to get her back into the swing of things and it must be really difficult, but it's too bad that you can't just be yourself and you have to act all aloof with her. The fun dates and open communication (telling her you love her and you want her) I think will be much more effective than flirting with other women and not including her in your plans. Maybe you could surprise her with a bubble bath, some flowers, a massage, something naughty (if you're into that), or a homemade candlelight dinner (prepared in nothing but an apron ). Just some suggestions that might not send the "indifferent" signals that your approach may be sending. Wouldn't want you worse off than before.  Good luck!


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Phantom ~
> 
> And, lastly, why do you do so much around the house for her? Have you always done this, or is this more recent? While wives want their husbands to help out (unprompted, mind you ), constantly being at her beck and call is unattractive and could cause her to lose respect and attraction for you. Us women like our men to be strong in the self-respect area, so reflect on what kinds of interactions you are having with her, and whether those could be sabotaging her desire.
> 
> ...


Hey speak for yourself!!!! Beck and call sounds pretty good to me!!!!:rofl: ( guess you can tell some of my issues!!! ) But seriously I think you probably are right about the perimenapause, especially if nothing else has changed.

BTW enchantment, I deem you the GURU of TAM!!! ILY...even when ya smack me down on some of my posts!!!


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Enginerd said:


> I'm not a lady but here it goes...
> 
> I think the unfortunate reality is that you need to wake your wife up with a change of pace. You are too predicable. Its talked about all over this forum for a reason. She needs to think that your undying love is not a given and that your a viable sex partner for other women. Its about changing your actions. Words are worthless in this phase of a relationship. All they hear is blah, blah, I want sex again... blah, blah, blah. My approach has to been to take her out on fun dates, tell her that I love her and want her to be my partner, but I remain very cool about it. I occasionally work her up and leave her hanging sexually. I make plans of my own on a regular basis and purposely do not include her unless its absolutely necessary. I've been emotionally vulnerable in front of her but not in a desperate way. I basically act like we're dating and that I may or may not be asking her out again. If I can talk to an attractive women in front of her this is a bonus. I don't embarrass her or openly flirt but I make eye contact, engage in some witty conversation and always have a big smile. I use my man voice.
> 
> ...


Wow from that comment I can tell you are not a woman! Believe it or not women are in their prime in their 40's... So if you actually followed through on date night and not talk to an attractive woman in front of her, you probably would get what ya got when you were in your 20's!!! Being alpha (sort of speak) is far different than being an a$$. Not saying that you are...just saying.


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