# Does your significant other do this?



## Dahlia92 (Dec 31, 2012)

My husband will often make comments about things or ask me questions about a project after it's finished....

For example, after I've finished a project that I'm proud of the first thing he will do is ask me questions about how I did it. Like a few weeks ago, I sanded and re-stained the kids play set and it looked so nice and I was really proud of it and I spent a good portion of the day working on it. The first thing he said was to ask me what stain I used and then he asked how I mixed it.....not it looks nice or I appreciate you doing that, but questions about how I did it and comments about if I didn't mix it the right way then it would just be color and not protection for the wood, etc. This is pretty typical when I do something like this. It really didn't feel good. I never question how he does his projects. I usually just tell him it looks really nice or he did a nice job. And I'm by no means stupid or unable to read and follow directions.

He will (it seems like more and more often) walk in the house and the first words out of his mouth are something negative, for example "it stinks in here" ....I work really hard to keep a clean house. I mean he doesn't do anything about it, he doesn't come in and not like the smell and light a candle or spray some freshener or something, he makes the comment.

Tonight I come home from going to pick dinner up for everyone and the first words out of his mouth when I get home are "so what did you hit with the car"....... There were some scratches on the very bottom front that I hadnt noticed and I havent hit anything recently, but the car was in the driveway for a few days and it's entirely possible the kids did somethting as well. I don't mind him asking about it, but the way he did it felt accusatory and not very good, and it was the first thing he said to me when I got out of the car....with some other comments earlier today, it started to feel like I couldnt do anything right. I hate that feeling, I used to feel that way all the time. 

That kind of thing seems to be happening more and more. It had 100 percent stopped for a while. In the past he has been extremely verbally abusive and I am sensitive to this kind of thing. He is in counceling and has been for about a year and things have been much better. And I'm not being yelled at or called names or insulted, and I can't really explain it fully, but this stuff just doesn't feel good and I know I dont do this kind of thing. 

Is this "normal", is this just how people are? Do people who don't have a history of verbal abuse speak to their significant others this way nomally ? I worry that it may be him starting with stuff again, only in a much more muted way. I just want some other experiences to compare it to.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It does sound like he is doing the same thing, only being more subtle. Doesnt make it any more ok.  My second husband was like this, never had a nice thing to say, about anything or anybody. Everything was just constant criticism. He is a very unhappy person to this day. I couldnt deal with it any more and I divorced him. I am however quite impressed that your husband has been in counseling, most will refuse, insisting that YOU are the problem. However it sounds like what he is learning from it is a NEW way to verbally abuse you. I think he is like my ex and a very, very unhappy, controlling person.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

No it is not normal and I understand your need to be validated. After being treated this way for so long, one starts to believe it and have doubts about themselvs.

I guess I would ask him if there is anything he likes about you, or if there is anything you do right. Tell him what he is doing. If he doesn't stop, your kids are going to pick up on this, and-or, he will start critizising them too.

It is hard when you feel like you have to fight for your dignity all time.


----------



## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

It sounds like your husband is very analytical and task oriented. However, this kind of reaction is not normal and you shouldn't have to deal with this daily. Is he lacking in social skills with others or just you? How does he interact with the kids.

Maybe you can go to a counseling appt. with him and bring this topic up. This is not a good way to live.


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Sounds exactly like my father, and eventually, like my husband (who I'm now separated from). 

What was your H like when you first met him and before he started counseling?

If he was blatantly verbally abusive before, it does sound like he's switching to a more passive-aggressive way to get his hostilities out. Passive-aggressives feel in control if they constantly put you down in an underhanded way.


----------



## bsrrett82 (May 7, 2013)

Long time lurker here, first post. I notice my husband treating me this way at times in our relationship. It seems to stem from feelings of insecurity with him; usually if he is feeling unappreciated at work or at home. Also if physical intimacy is infrequent between us he can start to act critical about everything I do.


----------



## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

My husband is very similar. the "it stinks in here" and "what did you hit with the car" are regular phrases in my house! My husband happens to be a very negative person and suffers from depression and low self image. I wonder if your husband has similar issues.


----------



## Dahlia92 (Dec 31, 2012)

Thanks for the input everyone, i really appreciate it.

When I first met him, he was young and fun and funny and he made me laugh and I enjoyed being with him (he recently told me the happy oerson he used to show everyone was just an act). After our first year of marriage, the criticisms and being not very nice to me crept in little by little. After our first child was born, he freaking lost and became an outright abusive jerk. I mean the whole treatment, screaming at me , calling me names, accusing me of cheating all the time when I wasn't, feeling like I had to ask permission to so much as leave the house, telling me I was crazy, circular arguments, refusing to talk to me or resolve anything,blaming me and telling me he wouldnt act such and such a way if I didnt do this or that, financial abuse, punishing me if I did or said something I shouldnt, slamming doors and throwing and breaking things and on and on. I couln't take it anymore, I was talking to a dv counselor and planning to leave. I just didn't see I had any other choice. 

Then he decided he wanted help and admitted to what he was doing and seemed to take responsibility for it. He takes care of everything for his own counseling, makes his own appointments and goes himself. He says he feels better when he goes. He's been diagnosed with borderline personlaity disorder and OCD. Usually he listens and tries to make changes when I bring up something that he did that hurts me or when I say I don't like to be treated a certain way. Last night when I tried to talk to him about this, he just walked away. I don't take it and I don't let it sit anymore. I'm not going to put up with being treated badly, even if it's a much more subtle version. I deserve better.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like your H is still abusing you, but in a more subtle way. This sort of behaviour is designed to keep you walking on eggshells and continually striving to please him (which you can't and won't, because he'll keep lifting the bar). It make him feel in control...


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Look up the word MEGALOMANIAC-your H sounds like this. My old man was the same way. He would constantly b*tch and moan about how things would never go his way, about how guys at work and the guy next door had it made, as opposed to him, and then he would start implying that we were lazy, stupid and taking advantage of him. A piece of trash would no sooner fall on the floor than he would pick it up and say: "Hmmph. Now if I didn't pick it up, it would sit here all day, right?" or: "Hmmph. I guess it's up to me to do things around here, right?", which was the starting signal that the 3-day b*tchfest had begun.

And he would ALWAYS assume the worst. Once, my mother was upset about something, and she yelled at my sister and me because we happened to be in the room, and off dear old dad went: "Hmmph. What did you two animals do THIS time?" And one time, when I was a little older, I went to my best friend's GFs house to give her a gift that I had gotten "for him/from her", and as soon as I had returned: "Whatdya doing-over there causing trouble?"

I guess he felt that he was the type who was not shown "sufficient" praise and appreciation from us, that his life didn't turn out like the "guy next door", and so he blamed us for being a burden.

In short, your H sounds like a MEGALOMANIAC. He believes that if he didn't direct your project, then "it wasn't done right". If he had driven the car, then the scratches wouldn't be there, as your "incompetence" resulted in. When he walks in the door, he will find something out of place, or unclean, or the stink that he mentioned, because as soon as his back was turned, you took advantage of his absence and sat on your lazy azz and watched TV all day because he wasn't here to guide you to "do the RIGHT thing".


----------



## Kimmono (May 19, 2013)

This is familiar to me too with my parents, they almost never had something nice to say to me about me and things I have done and rarely woulds I get a thank you for anything. The only way I know my parents were ever proud of anything I did was from what they had said to other family/friends or being disappointed when I gave up on something. Sometimes I see in myself to a difficulty to outright say that something someone has done is great. I think possibly his asking about how you did something is his way of saying that you did a good job and wants to know how you did it because its impressive. Maybe you also need to say to him that his behaviour is getting you down, does he realise the things he is saying?! give him a couple of examples. If he is still getting help with his issues, its something for him to take to his sessions. Maybe suggest that you both think of something complimentary to say to each other every night/week?


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Have fun with it...


This...


Dahlia92 said:


> "so what did you hit with the car"


Gets this...
"The last person that asked me about my car. <smile and giggle like you told a funny>"

"It stinks in here" gets "Yep. Did you take out the trash yet?"


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Dahlia92 said:


> My husband will often make comments about things or ask me questions about a project after it's finished....
> 
> For example, after I've finished a project that I'm proud of the first thing he will do is ask me questions about how I did it. Like a few weeks ago, I sanded and re-stained the kids play set and it looked so nice and I was really proud of it and I spent a good portion of the day working on it. The first thing he said was to ask me what stain I used and then he asked how I mixed it.....not it looks nice or I appreciate you doing that, but questions about how I did it and comments about if I didn't mix it the right way then it would just be color and not protection for the wood, etc. This is pretty typical when I do something like this. It really didn't feel good. I never question how he does his projects. I usually just tell him it looks really nice or he did a nice job. And I'm by no means stupid or unable to read and follow directions.
> 
> ...


I won't read other responses before I answer because I don't want them to influence what I'm about to say. I can completely relate to what you're saying!

I had been in abusive relationships in my younger years, and I was also raised during the feminist era. Both of these things affect my perceptions when it comes to interacting with my partner. 

If I experienced things like you described, I would assume he was trying to downplay my achievement or show that he was somehow better. I still have an almost instinctive response like this, and I struggle with it regularly. 

I've had to learn that most people do things like this so they can show interest and connect. They're not wanting to break me down, but they also may feel a bit inadequate or feel like they haven't achieved something comparable, so they want your recognition even as you're seeking theirs. (Talking about your projects here....)

In his mind, he's being helpful and trying to help you learn things you might be interested in. 

There's no right or wrong way to respond to it, but if you can graciously accept it, it will help keep your relationship on track. 

As far as his critical comments on coming home and smelling something or noticing scratches on the car, it's a little hard to disengage, but if you can find a way to not take it personally, it'll help. He's talking about a smell, not about you. 

It sounds like he does phrase things in an almost-accusatory way, and if you can get him to confirm that he's criticizing the scratches, not blaming you for something, it can help. If you find that his goal really is to blame you, inform him calmly that you're ok with him having complaints about stuff, but you won't tolerate blame and criticism. Then walk away.

ETA: 

Now I've read responses and will add a couple things: 

1. I disagree that his behavior is "not normal." The vast majority of people show similar behaviors when they feel stressed, even a little bit. And our daily lives are full of stress.

2. You said he may have borderline personality. It will be important to validate him a lot instead of coming at him with blame, too. You might find my article on BPD and relationships helpful.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dahlia92 said:


> Thanks for the input everyone, i really appreciate it.
> 
> When I first met him, he was young and fun and funny and he made me laugh and I enjoyed being with him (he recently told me the happy oerson he used to show everyone was just an act). After our first year of marriage, the criticisms and being not very nice to me crept in little by little.


This is exactly what happened with my ex. It happened little by little, trickle down, kind of. The man I ended up with was not even CLOSE to the man I married!


----------



## bsrrett82 (May 7, 2013)

He has already shown his willingness to work on his issues. I wonder if MC might be beneficial for both of you. He may be working on himself, which has in turn improved his abusive behavior towards you but you could prob improve communication etc. if he had more direction on the way he should act towards others. 
Impulse control and difficulty controling his emotions may be a lifelong struggle due to his BPD and OCD. He might bennifit from learning how to relate to u better. He may be at a loss, after taking a better look at himself in the mirror so hes sliding back onto what he knows


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

It's called covert aggression.

The real masters of this manipulative art put on the bright, cheery smile while cutting you down subtly. 

Asking questions instead of making outright insults is a means of establishing plausible deniability. Oh, I am just trying to be helpful by asking if you are stupid and incompetent. I didn't actually SAY you were stupid and incompetent. 

In the long run it is better to just remove these kinds of people from your life. But while you have to deal with them one helpful thing to remember is that they are constantly waging emotional warfare on you. So always being on top of your emotions is a key strategy.

If you feel defensive, angry, embarassed, hurt, etc. then recognize this as their objective. You want me to be defensive. You want me to be angry. You want me to be embarassed. I learned to say it out loud. This not only defeated their initial attack, but generally what you find is that once they have your emotions engaged they don't stop with one shot. 

Once he has you angry by calling you stupid and incompetent then your defensive reaction will be attacked by him playing the victim - oh look how I was trying to be helpful and you accused me of insulting you...


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

he is starting in with his abusive ways again. it's slow and subtle - designed to make you question your own sanity and your own validity for feeling this way. Have you read Uptown's posts on BPD? Since your husband was diagnosed with it, you must know a lot about it. I think you need to read him the riot act. Either he stops with his negativity towards you and his complaints and corrections, or you will need to consider leaving him again. Tell him he is starting up again and you don't like it. How many times can you be put through the ringer with this guy?


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> he is starting in with his abusive ways again. it's slow and subtle - designed to make you question your own sanity and your own validity for feeling this way. Have you read Uptown's posts on BPD? Since your husband was diagnosed with it, you must know a lot about it. I think you need to read him the riot act. Either he stops with his negativity towards you and his complaints and corrections, or you will need to consider leaving him again. Tell him he is starting up again and you don't like it. How many times can you be put through the ringer with this guy?


IsGirl, this is *exactly* what NOT to do with a BPDer. 

BPD behavior stems from a fear of abandonment and not fitting in. If you want him to ease up, let him offer his "help" and thank him for it. You don't have to use his suggestions, just appreciate that he wants to feel like he matters and that his contributions are worth hearing.


----------



## Dahlia92 (Dec 31, 2012)

I really don’t have a need to resort to threats of leaving him to try to change things. That doesn’t do any good for anyone involved. Getting into the “I’m gonna leave you” fights for either of us is a step backward. If things don’t continually improve, I am perfectly capable of doing what I need to do. I am an adult and I choose to behave in a way that I can be proud of regardless of what he chooses to do. I can speak up for myself and stand up for myself in a way that is respectful to both of us. How he responds is his choice. I am going to talk to him and I will tell him how I feel and ask what he is trying to do when he says these things and request that he does whatever he is trying to do in a more respectful way. The way I see it, I have no right to demand respectful and healthy behavior from him if I can’t model it myself. And if I can learn and grow and change from all of this, then it was just a bunch of wasted years in an abusive relationship.

He has been fine lately, in a good mood, asking how I’m doing, he asked me about it when I was upset about some other things a couple of days ago (in the past he would have just said something like, “now what did I do wrong” if I was upset). I personally think he gets in a “mood” and does this stuff. He isn’t doing it with a smile on his face, he does it when he’s just not in a good place period. I think he goes to his “borderline place” and this is how he acts when he’s there. I’m not entirely sure he even realizes it, but he is very different with me and the kids when he’s “there”. I do know he has been working on not doing controlling things, and he doesn’t do a whole slew of things he used to do. When he’s in a good mood, he’s polite and respectful. The other day he suggested that I change what I was doing about something and he made a polite suggestion, explained why (it was a safety thing) and asked what I thought about it. And I have no problem with this kind of thing. So he does know how, but he was in a good mood, too. In the past when I have said something about him telling me what to do when I have been doing something, he would say something like he was just trying to help, so KathyBatesel, I think you might be right on that point. In fact, I think I will tell him I really liked the way he brought that up this last time and I would prefer he does that as opposed to just questioning me about things. Positive reinforcement can’t hurt and he has responded well to it in the past. 

I have read LOTS about borderline behavior, I’m on two of the prominent BPD/personality disorder boards and an abuse support group. I have told him in the past that I don’t want to do the emotional caretaker stuff, that I don’t want to have to bend myself into someone else to deal with the BPD and he told me I shouldn’t have to it, it was up to him to get better. But I am all for the suggested behaviors for BPD partners that are just good to do in any respectful and healthy relationship. I’m not sure if we are ready for marriage counseling….it was my understanding we were both supposed to be working on our own issues first before doing something like that. He’s been working on himself in therapy for about a year and a half total (his first therapist was TERRIBLE) and I’ve been working diligently that whole time as well, rebuilding me and healing. 

Where I struggle is the finer points of “normal” behavior (rewiring my thinking and expectations because I was in an abusive situation for so long) and completely trusting myself that when something doesn’t feel right or feels “off”, that my feelings are right on. If it bothers me, I should speak up. The bigger stuff is obvious, the smaller stuff I need help with sometimes. So I thank you all for your input and helping me to think through this. I think I’m ready to talk with him about this now. And I’m glad I waited and had time to consider and think first. I am finally realizing that trying to talk to him about these things when I’m upset or he is in a “mood” is the absolute wrong thing to do (well, that and no one can tell me what he was actually trying to do but him, so I need to actually ask him about things ).


----------



## Jamie.11 (Feb 20, 2013)

There are some people who have a problem with their soft skills. Try telling this to him. Open up with him how hurtful his comments are and ask him what you can do to help him fix this. For all you know, he might not know he’s already hurting you.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I had this same problem with my mother. Despite all the books on communication, being direct with her never helped. she never conceded how hurtful her behavior was and it only encouraged her to do it even more.

I learned that dealing with it indirectly yielded better results. When I got tired of her constant harping --usually over my hair and how I dress -- I would simply say: there's no pleasing you.

I've also learned that if you are not ready to answer a questions then simply "Why do you ask?" Anyone who has a legitimate reason asking you whatever will not get upset by that.

OP, specifically, whenever your husband complains that the room smells ask whether he brought that odor with him.

ETA: if he complains about anything that appears to be petty simply throw back at him something that suggests that he is likely to be the source of the problem.

I have learned that a little bit of feistiness is valued by both men and women alike.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I should also add that the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" is very good.


----------

