# Females dropping married name



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm in a unique situation that I'm parting from my kids' father for the second time. The first time we divorced. I never changed my name.

We reconciled but never married. We're splitting up again. 

I'm wondering if I should change my name back to my maiden name.

Factors:

I've had this name since 1996.
All of my EVERYTHING is in this name. Email I've had for many, many years, business stuff, same name as my kids!!, ......
I do not like my maiden name.

With all of that said, I feel like I'm finally at the point where I don't want anything to do with the last name of this pathetic man.

I'd love to hear pros and cons of switching back to your maiden name.

Thanks


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

This is going to sound profoundly lazy...I haven't wanted to deal with all of the paperwork. I don't have any real negative emotion around the name, I had it for almost as long as my maiden name.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> This is going to sound profoundly lazy...I haven't wanted to deal with all of the paperwork. I don't have any real negative emotion around the name, I had it for almost as long as my maiden name.


Oh, I get it. And this was me the first time around. But now that I've been betrayed by him a second time, I'm thinking more seriously about it and just don't know what I want to do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

My mother is currently going through a divorce (again... ugh). I've urged her to revert to her maiden name, which she didn't do when she divorced my father.

In fact, my wife addressed the card that we sent to her for Mother's Day using her maiden name. She got a real kick out of that.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I am Greek and my Ex is a WASP so it is kind of nice having a name that people can spell and pronounce.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

I would keep it. It's your name as much as its his.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My wife kept her ex's name, even though she totally can't stand him. Partly for the kids, and partly because it would have been extremely tedious and ridiculously expensive to change all the documents including multiple passports and green card. And it's easier to spell.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Ok. I never changed my name when I married so I don't have to change it now BUT since my son has his dad's last name, when I travel to Europe, some countries require a birth certificate for kids traveling with adults with a different last name as a precaution against child trafficking. Pain in the a$$ but there it is. Down the road, when he's old enough to make a decision, I guess he could change it if he likes. For the moment we have different last names.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

An old college friend of mine changed her name to her mother's maiden name. She divorced over her husband's cheating and her bio father abandoned the family when she was a child so she didn't want either of those names.

There are so many blended families with multiple last names, so unless I really didn't want to go through the paperwork I would change my name.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's like the feminist version of a twitter fight. Don't you have anything else to worry about?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I had his name for 45 years. It is easier to spell and pronounce than my birth name. But when I divorced him I wanted my own name back. 

Yes, the paperwork was a pain. Yes, it absolutely was worth it. My parents gave me that name and finally it's mine again.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Runs like Dog said:


> It's like the feminist version of a twitter fight. Don't you have anything else to worry about?


I have plenty else to worry about. 

He's taunted me with demanding I drop his last name (which kinda makes me not want to).

Just not sure I want to keep his name associated with me since i have zero respect for him. The easy thing to do would be to keep it since I've had it since 1996. Just wondering if I'd feel empowered by getting rid of it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'd love to hear pros and cons of switching back to your maiden name.
> 
> Thanks


The only real con from my point of view is that you probably like having the same last name as your kids. But that's about it. From a pro perspective, it's symbolic closure.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I bet it would end up being more of a hassle than anything.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

There are no copyrights on surnames so you can pick and choose the one that you want. If you feel comfortable with it, keep it, if not change it. It's called freedom of choice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I have plenty else to worry about.
> 
> He's taunted me with demanding I drop his last name (which kinda makes me not want to).
> 
> Just not sure I want to keep his name associated with me since i have zero respect for him. The easy thing to do would be to keep it since I've had it since 1996. *Just wondering if I'd feel empowered by getting rid of it.*


I think you probably would. OTOH, I can see not wanting to cave to any of your ex's "demands".

LOL... maybe revert to your maiden name and then ask your kids if they'd like to change their surnames along w/ you.

:smthumbup:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jld said:


> I bet it would end up being more of a hassle than anything.


Maybe but my sis didn't act like it was a hassle at all. After divorcing she kept her last name for a while to match her daughter but she eventually changed it. She said the name she grew up with just felt right. I remember she seemed happy to have the family name again. She's remarried now so her last name changed again. Go figure.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I decided to keep my ex H's name after we divorced, mainly because the split was amicable (although I lost a lot) and also because I respected the family that took me in and helped me thrive in a foreign country for 8 years. When I changed my name, I legally made my maiden name my middle name, so I'd always have the clear family connection. 

So, my circumstances were different. If we'd parted on bad terms, no way would I have kept his name. I'd either have gone back to my maiden name or made up a totally ridiculous, kick arse name.

In the future, I hope to be married to my SO, and will most definitely take his name. I am honestly very happy and humbled at the prospect.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Satya said:


> So, my circumstances were different. If we'd parted on bad terms, no way would I have kept his name. I'd either have gone back to my maiden name or made up a totally ridiculous, kick arse name.


haha* 'Satya L BadArse'*.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

When my stbx first filed for divorce in the paperwork she requested going back to her maiden name. I remember at the time it really irritated me, like my name wasn't good enough for her. 

Now I can't wait for it to change so she is no longer associated with my name.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I kept my married name, but not for any sentimental reasons.

My folks were both burdened with four names a piece at the time of their marriage. So, in an effort to get back at their parents (sort of), none of the kids got middle names. That caused some issues for me growing up-every single school was certain I must have a middle name and was refusing to disclose it.

So when I got married I finally had a middle name! I just don't feel like giving that up because of a POS ex.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

My mom kept hers and she's been divorced for 20 years (her married name she kept but hyphenated it with her maiden name).

Mine is hyphenated between my maiden name and married name (on official documents too).


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

honcho said:


> When my stbx first filed for divorce in the paperwork she requested going back to her maiden name. I remember at the time it really irritated me, like my name wasn't good enough for her.
> 
> Now I can't wait for it to change so she is no longer associated with my name.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


* In Marriage No. 1, my bi-polar XW kept my last name and even retains it today.

With regard to my RSXW, she announced in the embodiment of her divorce filing papers that she wanted to revert back to her maiden name, of which I was just so totally thrilled, that I damned near peed my pants!

IMHO, she didn't deserve having it!*


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I kept my ex's name after we divorced even though I thought it was a dumb hillbilly name just like him. But my kids had it.....after a while I thought about changing it back but by then I was planning to get married again.

I decided it would be weird and inconvenient to have 3 names in the house so I took my hb's name, but if anything happens to us I'm going back to my maiden name.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I think you should do whatever you are the most comfortable with.

What he wants, does not matter... unless sticking it to him is a plus.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I would've paid XW to relinquish my last name.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> I would've paid XW to relinquish my last name.


Honestly, I think my ex feels the same way because in a fight he told me i better drop his name (as if I'm the one who cheated). 

But, I don't know if I want a different last name as my kids . Twice over the weekend he told me how much more they love him than me. He told me my daughter can't stand me and hates me. (I asked her if that was true and she said no, and she does not know why he would even say that.).

Also, I've had the same name professionally for so long. I've switched careers so that's not such a huge issue since I work with a fair amount of anonymity now (all online work), but I have EVERYTHING tied into my email address that is my first initial and my last name.....have had it for so many years. It's stuff like that I can't imagine changing.

But, mostly, I don't feel like I should have to let HIM have the same last name as my kids when he caused all of this, and I don't get to have the same name as them.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I had my maiden name for 25 years and my husband's name for 25 years. It is also my son's name. When I first found out about STBXH's cheating, and basically leaving me for the OW, I wanted to go back to my maiden name with a vengeance. STBXH said it was my decision and he had no say in the matter ([email protected] right), but that if he were me (how I wish he could be just for a day - preferably shortly after D-Day), he'd just keep his name to avoid all the hassle.

I've decided to keep it for now primarily because it's my son's name, and because he's said he'd like us to have the same name at least for now. It's also my professional name - I've been known by it at my jobs for 25 years, and at my current one for the last 7. It's on a nameplate outside my office. It's part of my work email. It's on all kinds of documents at my company that I've written. To change it now would only prompt coworkers I don't know well to ask if I just got married. I don't feel like having to say to them, "No. Divorced." Not that I want to hide that. But if I change it now, only to remarry someday and possibly want to change it again, it would be a lot of hassle and explaining to go through just to do it all over again.

My mother never changed her name back, and asked all our friends growing up to call her "Mrs. [My Dad's name]," even many years after they'd divorced. My stepmother never changed her name from her first husband's name even after she married my Dad, because it had become her professional name and it was her sons' name.

Also, I like the name in and of itself, and it's easier to say and spell than my maiden name. If I just disassociate it in my mind with my STBX and associate it with his siblings and mother who I still love dearly instead, then I'm fine with it. (I'm getting really good at compartmentalizing.)


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I had my maiden name for 25 years and my husband's name for 25 years. It is also my son's name. When I first found out about STBXH's cheating, and basically leaving me for the OW, I wanted to go back to my maiden name with a vengeance. STBXH said it was my decision and he had no say in the matter ([email protected] right), but that if he were me (how I wish he could be just for a day - preferably shortly after D-Day), he'd just keep his name to avoid all the hassle.
> 
> I've decided to keep it for now primarily because it's my son's name, and because he's said he'd like us to have the same name at least for now. It's also my professional name - I've been known by it at my jobs for 25 years, and at my current one for the last 7. It's on a nameplate outside my office. It's part of my work email. It's on all kinds of documents at my company that I've written. To change it now would only prompt coworkers I don't know well to ask if I just got married. I don't feel like having to say to them, "No. Divorced." Not that I want to hide that. But if I change it now, only to remarry someday and possibly want to change it again, it would be a lot of hassle and explaining to go through just to do it all over again.
> 
> ...


This is another thing. I volunteer a lot in the school and all of my kids' friends call me, "Mrs. _________" "Hi Mrs. ______" (or, my daughter's friends just say, "hi mom!!" Not that the kids would have to know, but administration probably would and it is just one more complication.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Then don't. 

You need to get used to doing whatever you want whenever you want. Just because you want to. 

Our children's neuro psych recently divorced. She kept the email address with the married name but goes by maiden name. She attached an alias with the maiden name to the old address. New clients get email with maiden. Old clients still use old email but how often does anyone look at it?

My GF changed hers back to her maiden name. 

If roles were reversed and I could change my name I would. I don't want to be associated with that family of cheaters.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

STR, your STBX is, I'm sorry, a [email protected] Mine has his dovchey moments, but to tell you your daughter hates you is beyond awful.

I'm with you - why does he get to be the only one with the same name as your kids when he's the villain in this story? I think that's truly the underlying reason I don't want to give my STBXH his name back, too.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> STR, your STBX is, I'm sorry, a [email protected] Mine has his dovchey moments, but to tell you your daughter hates you is beyond awful.
> 
> I'm with you - why does he get to be the only one with the same name as your kids when he's the villain in this story? I think that's truly the underlying reason I don't want to give my STBXH his name back, too.



It's douchey for sure but realize this comes from a place of insecurity and blow it off. 

It's not about you. It's not about the kids. 

Growing filters to weed out the BS will help you.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

This is why you should only communicate by email.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> This is why you should only communicate by email.


This IS all through email or text. We RARELY speak in person more than saying, "did you get my text?"


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I know it's easier said than done, but you should try to ignore his texts. If they're douchey BS like that, just delete them, and maybe put the phone down and take some deep breaths.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> I know it's easier said than done, but you should try to ignore his texts. If they're douchey BS like that, just delete them, and maybe put the phone down and take some deep breaths.



Don't delete.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Do not delete viable evidence.
But put the phone down. If you see its a text from SBTX, then just don't look at until you are ready.

He does not get to control you, he does not make your decisions for you. (Frankly, you should never have given him that kind of power over you) He fired you when he left and your are a free-agent. Name and all.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

At the moment, I'm of the mindset to keep my name until (if) I get remarried, and even then that's a maybe. I don't want to go through all the hassle, and I do want to have the same last name as my daughter. It's my name now and has been for almost 6 years, I know there are plenty of families with multiple last names, and I may change my mind as my feelings become less raw about it all, but I mostly just don't want to have a different name from my daughter.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I hyphenated my name when I married. Now single I dropped his name but my kids have his last name. 

What I've noticed is that people see my name is different then my kids and for some reason assume that I'm remarried.

The name difference doesn't bother my kids at all. I've always had a different last name.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Bugged said:


> Luckily I live in a country where you keep your surname when you marry...it s forbidden by law to use another surname but your own... I'll never get why a woman would choose such a sexist tradition as taking the husband's name..



That's awesome. 

I would never marry a woman that wouldn't take my last name. 

I hope you find that as equally awesome. 

Look, you will never decide what to do until you realize this is your own decision. You can literally choose whatever name you want. 

Be Mrs Magic Mike if you want. Mrs DiCaprio. Mrs...I don't know who women like. 

Point is, decide what you want and do it because you want to. 

Make this your first step to independence. Do whatever the f4uck you want then gloat about it.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Bugged said:


> Would you take your wife last name?If not why?I personally find it absurd in the year 2015 to take the husband's name like in the 17th century..


Well, Ceegee Jolie has a nice ring to it.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

ah, couple days late to the party, wish I had seen this earlier because I've been wondering the same thing! I remember being a little sad when I had to give up my maiden name when I got married, even though I really didn't "have" to! I DID want to take my husband's name, but my maiden name was kick ass and unique, and his name was well... boring. haha. Anyways, I've gotten used to it. It's a generic common last name like "Johnson" but something else, so it doesn't have a super direct association to the stbxh... I just wonder if it is worth the hassle to change back? New social security card, license, changing it on all my accounts... been wondering if I should. 

I agree in some ways it would be liberating, and fun to go by my maiden name again  But then I think, in the (hopeful) event I remarry, I'd go through the process all over again (because I personally want to) so whats the point now? My grandma kept her ex husband's last name until the day she died, I always thought that was super odd growing up, but now it makes sense. She wanted the same last name as her kids, and it became "her" name and she didn't want to change it. It was also a generic common last name, so she perhaps also didn't feel it had such a strong connection to her ex either. 

I'm not sure what i'll do! You should let us/me know what you decide


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

I guess my feeling is - my husband is already taking so much from me, he doesn't get to take the name I share with my daughter as well. We haven't even talked about it, and I'm sure if we talked about at this point he'd think it was about him (like I'd be keeping it after the divorce because I'd still be holding out hope). So I will say what several others have said - he doesn't get a say. It's your name, and his opinion is neither wanted nor appreciated.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Bugged said:


> So the children too only have the father's name...and then we talk about equal rights... Sigh


Maybe if he brings it up to me again, I should inform him I'll be changing the kids' names, too!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Maybe if he brings it up to me again, I should inform him I'll be changing the kids' names, too!



That requires approval of both parents.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> That requires approval of both parents.


Yes, I figured that . And I'd never actually do that to my kids, but I would say it to HIM!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bugged said:


> In Europe the fact that her kids don t have her surname is a violation of human rights so a court can order her name to be added...without the father s consent


As is usually my opinion of... well pretty much anything of or having anything to do w/ Europe, that sounds just awful.

:smthumbup:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bugged said:


> I bet she could have a court order the same in the US...a violation of human rights is a violation of human rights


Eh... that her children lack any portion of her name in their own names wouldn't be viewed as such over here.

And why should it be? After all, parents usually name their children TOGETHER.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> As is usually my opinion of... well pretty much anything of or having anything to do w/ Europe, that sounds just awful.
> 
> :smthumbup:


It sounds like the bar for what constitutes a "violation of human rights" is set pretty damn low. 

Zut alors.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I have plenty else to worry about.
> 
> He's taunted me with demanding I drop his last name (which kinda makes me not want to).
> 
> Just not sure I want to keep his name associated with me since i have zero respect for him. The easy thing to do would be to keep it since I've had it since 1996. Just wondering if I'd feel empowered by getting rid of it.


That's a strange taunt. I'm afraid I would have replied I'm changing my last name to Rat-B*****d. Then when people ask, as they will, I can say it was my Ex H.

The pro and cons are about the same as they were in the thread about changing when getting married. Heck, Why am I stuck with my Dad's name? Why am I stuck with the first name my dad picked? 

And the #1 answer is it's just too difficult to change it. 
MN


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I guess I should have added that I do not have children, so that factor does not apply to me... but I definitely think it would influence my decision if it were the case! And funny I should come across this thread just the other day, because just today I was talking to a friend and she asked me "So will I be able to call you Adeline ____ (maiden name) again?" haha funny coincidence. The majority of my good friends knew me before marriage, and therefore still identify with calling me by my maiden name  The more I think about it, the more I feel inclined to change it back...


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Giro flee said:


> An old college friend of mine changed her name to her mother's maiden name. She divorced over her husband's cheating and her bio father abandoned the family when she was a child so she didn't want either of those names.
> 
> There are so many blended families with multiple last names, so unless I really didn't want to go through the paperwork I would change my name.


This.

I ended up just dropping my last name all together, and use my middle name as my last name. Middle name is easier to spell than my last name, and it confuses the heck out of people, but I don't care. 

I will say that it has been a hassle to change everything...and I'm not even close to being done.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It absolutely was a pain changing it back after my divorce but it was a pain to change it when I got married so I looked at the process as part of my new beginning -- just as I did when I got married and had to deal with all that paperwork then. 

My married name was short and simple. My maiden name is short and not quite as simple. But it's worth constantly correcting people who mispronounce it to have back the name I was born with. 

I didn't realize how much I had missed it until I had my name again. I've had it back two years now and it still makes me smile.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bugged said:


> So what? if they divorce and the father doesn't want the mother's name to be added..do you think that's fair? I'm pretty sure in the US too that would be considered a violation of human rights.



Uhhh... no.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Bugged said:


> The ECHR (European Court of Human Rights) doesn't think so.
> *if it was you that was not allowed to give your name to your own children, would you still think it's not a big deal*?>:


The ignorance of this statement...


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Bugged said:


> Can a moderator ban these people that instead of backing their ideas up only use insulting tones (without even understanding what others are saying, I'm talking POST divorce )?
> thanks!!>


Click the "Report Post" button.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Bugged said:


> Can a moderator ban these people that instead of backing their ideas up only use insulting tones (without even understanding what others are saying, I'm talking POST divorce )?
> thanks!!>


Well, you're still here, so....


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, STR, I am one who took my husband's name. I could have chosen to keep my maiden name, but I like my husband's. God forbid, if anything happens and we divorce, I would keep his name. Our kids have his name. We decided this together. And, it would be too much confusion for the kids to even think of changing their name to my maiden name in that case. My sisters both kept their ex-husbands' names until they remarried. And their kids have their dads' names. (I know, not an actual issue, but addresses another issue in the thread.  )

Bugged, I have to say I am grateful I live somewhere I am free to choose whether I keep the name I was born with or choose to take my husband's name. I would hate to live somewhere it was ILLEGAL to take my husband's name if we wanted that!


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## denise815 (Aug 8, 2012)

HI THERE.....I did wonder about your question as well....this is what my divorce lawyer told me......(ps. No i am not divorced yet.....) I asked her. Do women keep their married last name...or go back to their maiden name....she said this and it made logical sense....If a woman has female daughters..she would prob change her last name back to her maiden name because. They will eventually get married and lose that last name anyways... whereas males...will always have that last name....so a lot of women keep that name for that reason..that made sense to me. I HAVE TWO SONS....thats what i would do........


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

denise815 said:


> HI THERE.....I did wonder about your question as well....this is what my divorce lawyer told me......(ps. No i am not divorced yet.....) I asked her. Do women keep their married last name...or go back to their maiden name....she said this and it made logical sense....If a woman has female daughters..she would prob change her last name back to her maiden name because. They will eventually get married and lose that last name anyways... whereas males...will always have that last name....so a lot of women keep that name for that reason..that made sense to me. I HAVE TWO SONS....thats what i would do........


I'm glad that was qualified with "probably". That is not what either of my sisters did. One has a son and daughter, so that would make sense according to your attorney's advice, and she kept her ex-husband's name until she remarried. But my other sister only has one daughter, and she kept her ex's name until she remarried as well. But, yea, that makes sense, too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bugged said:


> So the children too only have the father's name...and then we talk about equal rights... Sigh


Different cultures do different things.

On the Italian side of my family, the women use both their maiden name and their married name. though a lot of women I know in Italy will change to their husband's name. 

In the middle east, where men can have more than one wife, women keep their maiden name. Why? Because they are not forming one family with their husband. He can have up to 4 wives at a time. Although in East Africa they often ignore the 4 wives rule. One of my neighbors there had 8 wives. 

The reason that in the USA women usually take their husband's name is that in old English law, when a couple married, they became one in many ways legally. The children, by custom, carried their father's name. So a woman changed her name to her husband's because that way the woman had the same last name as the rest of her family (husband & children. She was not an outsider that way.)

Here I thought that we were all supposed to be sensitive and except the customs of different cultures. I guess some have a problem with that.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Bugged said:


> The problem is that the husband does NOT take the wife's name and in many cases he CANNOT by law..so are we supposed to respect sexist laws or traditions?I don't think so...


The thing is, in the US, they are free to do so, if they wish. It is rare, but can be done. The couple is also free to change their own name, together, if they wish. I had no desire to do so, so I never looked into it. 

I am curious, though. You said it us considered fraud for a woman to use her husband's name on official documents in Italy. Does this extend to people who move there, after marrying in another country, where is is legal for them to take the husband's name and use it officially? Or does it only apply to those who are Italian residents at the time of the marriage?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Bugged said:


> I was told only 8 states have a way for men to take the wife 's name in the US..anyway in Italy people coming from abroad can only use the name that's on their passport or id card on official documents..so if the wife had her id or passport changed then yes...an italian woman married abroad can't because They re not going to chance her id because sue married..


I checked. There are, in fact, 9 states that say it can be done in the same manner as the wife simply taking her husband's name. But, the rest of what I read stated that it can be done in the other states... just a longer process and more paperwork. It appears to be more like the paperwork needed when adopting a child, for lack if a better example. Except, the couple would basically state that the intent to change his name is due to marrying and he prefers his wife's name over his own. But if that is what they want, and they have the money for it... why not? I see nothing wrong with it, either way.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bugged said:


> Can a moderator ban these people that instead of backing their ideas up only use insulting tones (without even understanding what others are saying, I'm talking POST divorce )?
> thanks!!>


Censoring people that don't agree w/ you? Now that _does_ have a particularly European feel to it... specifically early 30's to mid 40's Germany.

_And_ Italy.

No worries, though. We understand what you're saying just fine.

What we're not getting is your rather slavish devotion to the idea that there absolutely cannot be more than a single valid perspective on this issue.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

denise815 said:


> HI THERE.....I did wonder about your question as well....this is what my divorce lawyer told me......(ps. No i am not divorced yet.....) I asked her. Do women keep their married last name...or go back to their maiden name....she said this and it made logical sense....If a woman has female daughters..she would prob change her last name back to her maiden name because. They will eventually get married and lose that last name anyways... whereas males...will always have that last name....so a lot of women keep that name for that reason..that made sense to me. I HAVE TWO SONS....thats what i would do........


Interesting. I was thinking this morning that maybe I'll keep it until my daughter gets married and changes her name (if she chooses to), but I also have a son.....

If I remarry someday, I will change my name to that person's name.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I'm sorry you felt my comments boorish. 

I am not engaging you in order to stay on point. OP (remember her) is pondering changing her name. I have suggested she do whatever she wants as we are free to do here in the U.S. 

It's too bad that it's not as easy in Italy but I don't think OP lives in Italy. 

You are free to continue your commentary. In addition to a report button, TAM also provides and ignore button. 

Ciao


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bugged said:


> I'm not censoring any ideas, since he did not utter any, I'm censoring boorishness.
> 
> 
> We get that you have problems with Europe..too bad.
> ...


Much of eastern Europe (along w/ Russia) has an excellent track record w/ respect to fostering and encouraging free speech... just so long as you're saying all the right things and speaking out against all the right people.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Bugged said:


> Which is *EXACTLY *my point. In most countries (and most states in the US)Women do NOT have the same rights as men when they marry.
> Look, if it is NOT OBVIOUS to you that this* IS sexist*..well...too bad.


Maybe I am misunderstanding what you meant? I thought you were implying that women are made to take their husbands' names here, and don't have a choice. That is not true, at all. We are free to keep our names from birth or take our husbands'. We are not restricted from using our husbands' names for legal documents, unlike what you have stated with your country. So... I guess I am not understanding why you feel it's a bad thing that we can choose. Is it because you are not free to make that choice, yourself, perhaps? And, honestly, I would think it to be sexist if we were FORCED to take or keep a name, rather than be given the OPTION. JMO.

And what I posted, which you quoted in the first place, is that MEN have to petition to change their names in m I st states. Women, however, can choose to keep their maiden name or take the husband's instead. They can hyphenate the names, or the couple, at least in some states I am aware, may come up with an entirely different name for themselves. So... like I said, I am not sure what your real problem is with women being able to CHOOSE which name she wishes to carry.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Unless, Bugged, you were speaking of the general inequality because the men in most states are unable to take their wives' names? In that case, I would agree. It should be equal across the board... both men and women should be allowed to take the spouse's name without any extra paperwork. But, I do, at least, like the fact that I am not forced to keep a name I may not like, if I do not wish to do so. And I like that I can LEGALLY use my husband's name on official documents. I like having that legal right. I would not like to live in a country such as you described. 

But, this has nothing to do with STR'S premise. So, sorry for the threadjack.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@Maricha75, your frustration clearly stems from either an inability to understand or unwillingness to accept that feminism means one thing -- and ONLY one thing -- for all women everywhere.

There is no allowance for any thought, opinion, or option that departs from the enraged diatribe of the perpetually offended. Nor should there be!

Get w/ the program and toe the line already.

Yeesh.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Too bad both men and women, can't just simply add an alias to their pre marriage names. This could serve well those women who get married and divorced since the only thing that could be removed would be the alias.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> @Maricha75, your frustration clearly stems from either an inability to understand or unwillingness to accept that feminism means one thing -- and ONLY one thing -- for all women everywhere.
> 
> There is no allowance for any thought, opinion, or option that departs from the enraged diatribe of the perpetually offended. Nor should there be!
> 
> ...


Oh, I am so sorry, Gus... back to the kitchen to make my husband more sandwiches! :rofl:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Oh, I am so sorry, Gus... back to the kitchen to make my husband more sandwiches! :rofl:


Nooooo!!! You're doing it all wrong!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bugged said:


> I was told only 8 states have a way for men to take the wife 's name in the US..anyway in Italy people coming from abroad can only use the name that's on their passport or id card on official documents..so if the wife had her id or passport changed then yes...an italian woman married abroad can't because They re not going to chance her id because sue married..


While some states might not have a process in place for a guy to change his name to his wife's, the fact is that anyone can change their name to anything they want.

A person can change their name simply through use. Just start using a new name. But this can cause problems because some things, like passports, want to see a paper/legal trail for name changes.

Legalzoom has a form that they will fill out for anyone for a few bucks. Then the person just files it.

Find law has an article on it.

How to Legally Change Your Name - FindLaw


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bugged said:


> The problem is that the husband does NOT take the wife's name and in many cases he CANNOT by law..so are we supposed to respect sexist laws or traditions?I don't think so...


where is it that men cannot take their wife's last name? In the USA they can. So where are you talking about?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Thankfully, not in Italy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> Thankfully, not in Italy.
> View attachment 35586


:lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bugged said:


> Which is *EXACTLY *my point. In most countries (and most states in the US)Women do NOT have the same rights as men when they marry.
> Look, if it is NOT OBVIOUS to you that this* IS sexist*..well...too bad.


What do women not have that men do when they marry in the USA?


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

My children seriously considered changing their names to my maiden name. They ultimately based this important decision on the fact that my maiden name has 9 letters and their dads only 4. So to save themselves time and effort in school it was more efficient to keep the name we gave them at birth. Lol


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> My children seriously considered changing their names to my maiden name. They ultimately based this important decision on the fact that my maiden name has 9 letters and their dads only 4. So to save themselves time and effort in school it was more efficient to keep the name we gave them at birth. Lol



I would too. 

Chocolate4me

Wine4me


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> I would too.
> 
> Chocolate4me
> 
> Wine4me


Too funny!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Bugged said:


> seriously..you are pathetic. i'm not even italian by the way..so i don't give a ****.



I know. I'm an ass.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bugged said:


> I mean WHEN they marry..in MOST countries you can change your surname..but usually it takes a lot of paperwork and a legal procedure that noone wants to go through..hence the OP dilemma.


The OP's dilemma is that she has not made up her mind on what she wants to do. If she wants to go back to her maiden name, all it takes on one line in her divorce petition. Here is the line/paragraph that is needed. If she's not the petitioner, then she just changes that word to Respondent. And of course she would use her own name and not Susan.


*Petitioner’s name is restored to the former name of Susan Emily Jones.*​

It's not hard at all and does not cost a penny more.

To change the name outside of a divorce.. anyone can go to their state court self help website and down load the form. Fill out the form and file it. Here in NM it's $132 to file. Then a court date is set within 30 days, the person shows up and answers any questions that the judge has. The judge signs. And they have a new legal name. It's really not all that difficult to do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> I know. I'm an ass.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


>



I resemble that remark.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> The OP's dilemma is that she has not made up her mind on what she wants to do. If she wants to go back to her maiden name, all it takes on one line in her divorce petition. Here is the line/paragraph that is needed. If she's not the petitioner, then she just changes that word to Respondent. And of course she would use her own name and not Susan.
> 
> 
> *Petitioner’s name is restored to the former name of Susan Emily Jones.*​
> ...


Actually we are already divorced. Have been since 2010, so I'd have to do things that "second" way. Really, it's more of trying to decide if I even want to because of my kids. Yes, it would be a hassle, but if I was totally set on it, the hassle certainly would not deter me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Actually we are already divorced. Have been since 2010, so I'd have to do things that "second" way. Really, it's more of trying to decide if I even want to because of my kids. Yes, it would be a hassle, but if I was totally set on it, the hassle certainly would not deter me.


Ok, I misread your OP. Was thinking that you divorced, remarried and were divorcing again. ops.

The form that is used here is a one page thing. It's very simple.

If you are low income you can also petition for waiver of fees.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> I know. I'm an ass.


I found it quite humorous. I mean, how would they introduce themselves? :scratchhead:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Nooooo!!! You're doing it all wrong!!!


Oh... it must be because I am SOOOOOO oppressed by this patriarchal society. I mean, really! I don't have a mind of my own, can't make decisions for myself. It's horrible, I tell you!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I found it quite humorous. I mean, how would they introduce themselves? :scratchhead:



They named their first born after their favorite comedic actor Rainn Wilson.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> They named their first born after their favorite comedic actor Rainn Wilson.


Omg... can you imagine??


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Actually we are already divorced. Have been since 2010, so I'd have to do things that "second" way. Really, it's more of trying to decide if I even want to because of my kids. Yes, it would be a hassle, but if I was totally set on it, the hassle certainly would not deter me.



That's the question. 

What do you want?

Hard to put myself in the same position but I think I would want to reclaim my independence. Especially if there was abuse or infidelity. 

I mean, that's why I want my name back. 

Family name. She betrayed the family. She loses the name.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> That's the question.
> 
> What do you want?
> 
> ...


I don't know what I want . There was infidelity AND abuse. But there are also two kids that I don't feel only HE should get to have the same name as! I'm the one who birthed them!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I don't know what I want . There was infidelity AND abuse. But there are also two kids that I don't feel only HE should get to have the same name as! I'm the one who birthed them!



Don't change them to spite him. 

It's what their used to. 

If you don't know what you want then wait until you do.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm so confused. Does Bugged think that here in the USA women do not have a choice and HAVE to change their names to husband's name? We can keep our name or take his name. We can combine names like "jones-smith". Both husband and wife can change their last name to be a combination of both names, like, "jones-smith" or "smith-jones". Lots of choices. Where she lives there's only one choice.

Women changing their last name to their husband's last name isn't sexist it's just tradition. There's no need to make it nefarious.

Anyway, I would keep my married name because it's the same as my kid's last name.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I think, Bugged, that the problem lies in the fact that you cannot fathom that we, over here, like the fact that we have a choice between keeping maiden name or taking married name, and that we have the choice to do so, legally. And this is upon marriage. You keep harping on that. The fact is, if more men start to see it as sexist, and want to be afforded that same luxury we women already have, it will be changed. I actually think that will come soon, if the Supreme Court rules in favor, fully, of same-sex marriages. (Please don't change this topic to that of same-sex marriage. I only used it as the potential starting point for name changing.) I suspect that more states will begin to allow men to take the spouse's name at that point. Then what? Still harp on the antiquated practice of taking your spouse's name? Why not just leave it at "it's not for me", rather than degrade the practice of another country? I mean, I don't like that you don't have the freedom to choose to use your husband's name, upon marriage, in your country, Bugged. But I don't live there, so it does not affect me. I did ask how it would work for one who moved tgere, who had already married and now carries her husband's name, and you answered. I appreciate that. I COULD go on and on about how unfair it is that you are being denied the freedom to choose, but I won't. It would be just as bad as your incessant comments on the laws here, regarding marriage. 

You are free to repeat whatever opinion you hold. You are right, this is a forum for discussion. You are free to offer that opinion, as are we. Choosing my husband's name IS for me. Having the freedom to do so IS for me. In the even of divorce, I am glad I have the FREEDOM to choose what name to use. I am glad I was FREE to choose what name my children carry. I am sorry you cannot respect that, though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bugged said:


> Seriously?
> Let me try in a very simple way:
> 
> UPON *MARRIAGE ONLY* a man can _seamlessly _give his name to a woman, in most countries and (yes, sorry girls >) in *MOST US states*, whilst a woman *can't*, better case scenario she can *add it*. If the couple wants the wife's name only they have to fill in additional forms, file a petition to a court, go to court, spend additional money (who cares if the amount of money isn't big???), most people would consider this a hassle.
> ...


Yes, you are right. it's not equal in most states because men cannot use the marriage license as a mechanism to change their name. It's perhaps sexism based on tradition.

But of all the things that women have had to fight to get equality under the law, it's a trivial issue. There were more important issues like the right to get an education, the right to get jobs and equal pay, the right to own our own property, the right to vote, and on and on.

So the next generation can worry about name changes on marriage licenses.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Bugged said:


> My mother was italian and right now i live in *italy*, was supposed to get married to an italian.
> *In Italy you keep your maiden name*. The constitution has a remote hint to the fact that women have the right to take the husband's name but since the law regarding the family states that spouses keep each their surname this never happens.
> You have to go through a legal procedure of surname change if you want to add the husband's name, *which is extremely complicated *and usually these kinds of requests get rejected, so it almost never happens.
> Women cannot use the husband's surname on official documets, it's *considered a fraud..*
> ...


This is why people keep saying what they do about "your country" and Italy. You did say you are living there, now. For most people, that translates to being "your country". So, u apologize for my part in the misunderstanding. I still stand by my _opinion_ regarding surnames. I like having the option to choose. I would not like being told I was not allowed to use my husband's name for legal purposes. I do wish all states allowed for men to do so. I suspect that is soon coming, as I believe I stated as well, once the same sex marriage decision is made.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So, I'm a little late to the party, but I wanted to address the OP from @SecondTime'Round --

My XH and I were married for 6 yrs when the divorce was finalized, and I chose to go back to my maiden name. We had no children, so that wasn't a factor in my decision, and I can't really comment on how that might have affected my decision. That would by hypothetical, and I can't really know how I would have been in that situation. I decided to change my name back to my maiden name after the divorce because: 

1) I never really wanted to take his name in the first place. There was nothing WRONG with his name, but I had a strong attachment to my maiden name. It had a certain symbolic meaning for me (it means "storyteller" in the original language/cultural context of my ancestors, which meant a lot to me, since I am a writer and enjoy the crafting of stories), and my father's side of my family is very close-knit and I like that I share a name with them. They are my tribe, in a way. But when we were getting married, he made a big freaking stink about it. He really, really, REALLY wanted us to have the last name, because "we're going to by family, and we should have the same name to show it." (Which is ironic, because he isn't close with his family at ALL, they're really family in name only, whereas my extended family is very tight, as mentioned above.) I suggested that we both hyphenate, so we would have the last name, but he refused. I suggested that only I hyphenate, so I could retain my maiden name AND have his name as well, but that was unacceptable to him as well. So, I took my maiden name as my middle name and his name as my new surname; he didn't really like that either. It was as if he wanted to eradicate all identity that I had ever had of not being his wife. 

So, taking my maiden name back was like a reclamation of myself. It was a BFD for me to be able to go back to my maiden name, and I am so glad that I did.

However... it has been a serious PITA to do so. When I decided to change my name back, I didn't realize HOW. MANY. FREAKING. ACCOUNTS. had to be changed, and each institution/account has a different process for doing so. It isn't like there is some universal form that you can fill out and send to each institution along with a copy of the divorce decree. And you can't even change anything until you've got the new SSN card and the new driver's license. 1.5 yrs later, I'm still finding accounts/services that I need to update. At work, I turned all the appropriate paperwork into HR, and they told me, "Oh, the name change will filter down from us to everything else, so you won't have to do anything else." Which was totally wrong. I finally got my name changed on the phone system, last month, and only because I contacted IT to change it. I finally got a new company credit card with my new name on it, and only because I contacted the right person in financing to get it--after talking to something like 6 different people before I got to the right person to handle it. The billing agency for my vacation share WON'T EVEN CHANGE THE NAME unless I pay a $100 fee, so I said fvck it, I'm not changing it. I'll have the vacation share paid off in a few years, and I'll just change it when the thing is paid off and I'm not dealing with the billing agency anymore. So, logistically, it's going to be a PITA, to warn you up front.

And then there's the personal side of it. I don't know how private you are, but I don't like everyone knowing my business. Well, when you change your name, everyone is suddenly all in your business. Every single person that you deal with, whether daily or marginally, has to be informed of the name change. And typically, because you're a woman, almost everyone assumes that you've changed your name because you've gotten married, and so they say, "Congratulations [on your marriage]!" and you have to find some response, which for me is something like, "Thank you! Divorce is the best thing to ever happen to me!" It's always awkward, especially with people who are just acquaintances. They usually feel bad and uncomfortable, so then you have to reassure them it's OK, and deal with their emotions, blah blah blah. It can be draining, honestly. 

And then there is my boss. (And this may be particular to my boss, because I think he has a hole in his brain.) He constantly forgets, and introduces me to other people as my married name, or references me in an email by my married name, or lists me as a memo under my married name. I have to constantly remind him that is no longer my name. And he's just like, "Sorry, but it's not really a big deal." Umm, yeah, it IS a big deal. And I'll be dealing with that until I leave this job. I've had elderly members of my family forget, and refer to me by my last name, which I can totally overlook because they're old and whatever, but I am his second-in-command, so to speak. His right-hand woman. His stand-in for a lot of stuff. He should get my name right.

So, I've decided that when I get married again, I'm not going to change my name. 1) I want a man who is secure enough in himself and our relationship that he doesn't feel the need to tag his "property," and 2) I simply don't want to have to deal with all this bullsh!t again. I've changed my name twice en my life, and that is enough to convince me never to do it again.

I'm telling you all this not because I want to make this about me, I just want you to know the challenges that you may encounter if you go back to your maiden name. And, if you choose to get married again, and you choose to take his name, you will have to go through all of this ALL OVER AGAIN. So, if you think you would re-marry at some point and take your new husband's name, you may just want to wait. And at that point, your children would be older, and having the same name won't be as big a deal as it is now.

Also, check your divorce decree. Whether or not you can even change your name will be written into the decree. If it's not written into the original decree, you'll have to go to court to get your name legally changed. Which will add an entirely additional element of complication.

Someone may correct me on this, but I believe that most lawyers will encourage women to put that [going back to the maiden name] into their petition/response for divorce, even if they don't intend to, or aren't sure. Because it's always easier to have it written into the divorce decree than to have it done later--and if it's written into the decree, it just means that you have the legal right to change your name. It doesn't REQUIRE you to change your name back, if it's in the decree. (That might just be my state. Someone else please correct me if I'm wrong.)


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

@FeministInPink, thank you for your very detailed response. No time to read it all now as I'm about to disconnect because I'm packing to move tomorrow. BUT, I will, I promise. I'm grateful!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> @FeministInPink, thank you for your very detailed response. No time to read it all now as I'm about to disconnect because I'm packing to move tomorrow. BUT, I will, I promise. I'm grateful!


Take your time--I tend to write novellas on TAM threads, sometimes!

Good luck with the move


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Take your time--I tend to write novellas on TAM threads, sometimes!
> 
> Good luck with the move


OK, just read your post . Thanks for all of that info. I'm glad you changed your name (.....are still changing it....) because of the significance it has for you!! 

It really does sound like a huge ordeal. I've also had the same email address for many, many years and have so much connected to it. I was in the beta group from gmail so I got my first initial and last name. That's another thing I'd have to deal with 

I think at this point I'm hanging on to it at least until my kids are adults or I remarry. Then, I will revisit.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> OK, just read your post . Thanks for all of that info. I'm glad you changed your name (.....are still changing it....) because of the significance it has for you!!
> 
> It really does sound like a huge ordeal. I've also had the same email address for many, many years and have so much connected to it. *I was in the beta group from gmail so I got my first initial and last name.* That's another thing I'd have to deal with
> 
> I think at this point I'm hanging on to it at least until my kids are adults or I remarry. Then, I will revisit.


Me, too! But that was before I was married, so it matches the name I have now. It's kind of silly, but I'm proud to have been a gmail beta user... it's kind of like a private club 

The name thing has different significance for different people. One of my co-workers divorced after only 1-2 yrs of marriage, no kids, and she decided to keep her married name. She decided that changing it was going to be too much hassle, and she didn't want everyone knowing her business. Whereas I was married 3x as long as she was, and I knew it was going to be a hassle, and I didn't want people in my business, but I did it anyway, because it was REALLY important to me. So it's a very personal decision.


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