# Am I wrong considering divorce?



## ILOVEDHIM (Apr 18, 2009)

ok..here it goes..my husband has always been a great dad and husband in everyway. We have been married for 30 years. There is a woman he works with that I don't trust...a group from his work went on a buisness trip for a week...while there ..after asking him not to dout on her while there he still sits next to her on the plane there and back ..sits next to her at dinner , lunch etc... she even rode shotgun in the rental car we spoke about it half way through the trip and I told him how it bothered me and he said ok ...but still flew home next to her. I was not a happy camper. after discussing this for several days ..I just gave up because I told him it was disrespectful to me and he said I was making a big deal about it and that it wasn't like he did anything with her . Well a few days later he calls me by her name while we were in bed and he was sleeping ..he reached over caressed my behind and called her name...I asked him why and he said he didn't even know or remember it because he was asleep. I asked him if he had ever thought about her and he said well I work with her..I said no you know what Im talking about and there was complete silence I said your silence has answered my question and then he said yes he did once have a thought of her sexually. and when I blew up he said he hadn't had thoughts of just her. (he was just trying to cover it up because I told him I hated him) I felt so betrayed and unloved by him. this has never happened before. A few days later we were talking and I said I was trying to work on the marriage and he said what marriage ..we don't have a marriage there is no intimacy ..i then asked if he was unhappy and he said yes and i asked how long and he said well the last couple of days and a few min later told me about 6 mos...I told him if that was the case then I would file for divorce and then he said so you are going from this to the d word and I asked what he wanted and he said go to conceling we went ...but I don't feel the same ..see he was my first and only love and then I had children and they were also my world. And I just feel like his half of my heart is now gone..I don't see him the same way and don't feel the same about him. How dare he do this to me...I loved him with all of my heart till I had my kids and now I don't know how I feel or if i still want to be married to him. Am I being a drama queen?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Sorry, you feel that way. I think men often fantasize about other women, as women fantasize about other men. It doesn't necessarily mean he had an affair with her. I hope counseling works for you two.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

yes you are being a total drama queen.....you could never be married to someone like me. I work with two georgous women, I often tell my wife how good looking these women are, one is married one is divorced. I ahve zero "sexual" interest in them, but I sure like to look at them.

My wife gets hit on daily by men, she has one customer that stops by everyday to see her and talk to her, he is a younger man, in his 20's My wife is 38, but she is georgous.

I have very good female friends I e-mail and facebook with, one of my things I always say to them...."I am waiting for that hot sexy Bikini picture of you" I really don't expect them to send one, nor will they ever, but I like to make them feel good.

My wife drools, I mean drools over the Mentalist guy, so much so, she will watch the show with her "toy" when I am not home, she loves our DVR.

If either one of us were jealous people we would have been divorced a long time ago. But my wife knows I am not sexually interested in anyone else, I love her. 19 years never cheated, made many comments flirted heavily, but Never cheated, nor has she (far as I know, lol) 

I think you let jealousy get the best of you, do you really want to end this relationship over being childish and stubborn?

Go on dates with your husband, go to a romantic dinner, go dancing, go to comedy clubs, start "dating" again Spice it up baby. Jump him...men need love to you know.

Often it is looked that the men have to "do the work" we have to be the romantic ones, while the woman "waits for us" to bring flowers, a card, initiat sex....sometime WE WANT YOU TO DO IT! Do something special for him to show him you love him.

I guess your marriag was never a strong one if your willing to end it over this...I think your self esteem is in the toilet and your jealous and stubborn.

FIX IT!....of course you rather go off with someone else....or just THROW him to the other woman's arms, becuase that is what you are about to do. He might be a real faithful guy...and your jealousy and mouth are going to push him into her arms...

is that what you want? to torment yourself?

think about it. throwing away 30 years? 

book a romantic cruise just for you and him...rekindle that flame.

like a last minute cruise...that would be a good start.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If my H rolled over at night and called me by some other girls name, Id be really hurt. And if he continually sat by this other women, id have issues with that, too. But the fact that you blew up and told him you hate him and you want a divorce tells me there's something else going on. You feel insecure and unloved and its a pretty deep seated issue. You're anger was explosive, and that just means you are really hurting and its probably not because of this one incident. Never put your feelings aside and cast yourself off as a "drama queen." You'll just get angrier because you arent validating yourself. Deal with what is, not with what you think you should be. Your feelings are important and it is worth finding out what the root of the anger is. If you cast your feelings aside as 'eccentric' or 'dramatic' you'll never heal. You'll always be angry. Acknowledge that your feelings are real, justified, and important, but keep in mind it might be something deeper then the incidents with the women.


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## ILOVEDHIM (Apr 18, 2009)

Thanks to everyone for the advice...but the more I think about it I am not being a drama queen!...and Blanca I think you're right the real problem here is how he disrespects me and brushes my feelings about things aside...today for instance..he mocked me infront of two different people...I asked him why he felt the need to do that and that it really bothered me then we see another person and guess what he did it again...It just bothers me that he doesn't think he is disrespecting me in any case. I asked him not to sit or be around her on this trip and he did..years ago we were at a christmas party and asked if he could dance with the band members wife I said sure but the slow dances are mine..went out to get us a drink come back in and he is dancing a slow dance with this coworker who I didn't like because she would come up at parties and bbq and say things like what are you doing here your husband and i were having a great time or just talk to him and act like i wasn't there..yes it upset me because he didn't stand up for his wife with this woman and disrespected my feeling after I said the slow dances were for me. We go to another christmas party and Im sitting there for 45 min while he is at the bar talking to a coworker female of course..I just felt like what did I need to go for.
and then today our son takes his girlfriend to a nice dinner for a romantic night and asked me to help him with rose petals and candles..my husband rolled his eyes and I said don't roll your eyes he is being very romantic and girls like that kind of stuff...maybe you should learn from your son...And guess what? he is all butt hurt and pissed off because I said that to him...what a joke..he could think of this woman in a sexual way and by the way he told me today he has thought of other women like that too...and I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal if they were women on tv but they have been my friends and that really disgustes me!!! Why isn't he thinking of me if he so call loves me? why is he calling me someone elses name. Yeah Im pissed because he thinks it isn't a big deal and Im making a big about it and here he gets pissed because of the remark I made and then tells me to ask my sons girlfriend what she does to get him to do that. Whatever I am so over it and I don't think there is anything there anymore and it gets worse every day.


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## mommydrgnfly (Apr 29, 2009)

oh sweety i feel ya.. by the way.. this is not an issue to ask men advice on.. just to give you heads up.. i have many guy friends.. and yea..not a good idea.. and I am sorry but I find it VERY disrespectful for married people to be sexualy flirtacious.. I mean sometimes we do this friendly flirt that we ourselves do nto even realize.. but saying oh yea send me bikini or nude pics.. no no and no! Just my opinion.. I mean everyone is intitled to their opinions and I am not here to fight or argue saying anyone is wrong.. just my view. I have been cheated on in the past a few times and know the signs to look for plus like I said alot of my friends are men.. I have always had some trust issues do to my past with men ( and when I use to tell men about my probs they would say I was being paranoid and dramatic... shut up! You have no idea what I have gone through and if you support what those men did.. no even gonna go there).. but anyway.. my husband plays with himself in his sleep every frikken night.. especially after watching movies with sex scenes..our sex life was fine up til a few weeks ago when i got put on bedrest (prego)..i have never had a man tell me every girl said he was the best they ever had (come on now.. yea right! Get over yourself!).. and said " Don't tell your friends I got a big **** they might try to sleep with me"... what?!?!come on now! So yea.. that and other things make it hard for me to trust him.. oh girl u gotta add me as a friend and send me a message.. i could go on and i am sure you can too lol... I am here for ya! Be strong!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

You are NOT being a drama queen. You are entitled to you opinions and feelings. What you need to do is figure out why there is no intimacy between you and your husband.

Can I ask how old he is? Is this his "mid life crisis" stage? Has he ever cheated on you or are they just thoughts of other women?

30 years is a long time to be married to one person, and one begins to wonder if there is better out there(sexual wise).

I agree with mommydrgnfly totally! It is one thing to fantasize, its another to actually flirt.

My opinion is this...instead of getting angry all the time by his actions, find out why he is doing it. Chances are he misses the intimacy of your relationship as much as he does, but doesnt know how to get it back. So, he looks at other women. He talks to other women. He hasnt slept with any of them(we hope). I honeslty don't think this is a reason to start thinking divorce until you can figure out WHY he is behaving like this.

He said he has been unhappy for about 6 months...thats nothing....its still fresh and new and can be nipped in the bud. You need to have a very open and honest discussion with him about this. Try not to be angry about it...the more angry you are, the more put off he will be. You will just appear as a nagging wife to him..thats the last thing you want him to see.

This is normal in a long term relationship, but you can get through this...jsut make him accountable for his actions. Do you really want to see 30 years go down the drain because he is being a "typical" male? I hope not. Communication is key!

Is there a "punishment" that goes with his behavior? I mean do you just say "dont so it or else" and then do nothing? or do you say "dont do it" then follow up with something that will get his attention?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Not a drama queen but I think over reacting a little and not focusing on what the problems are in the marriage. If he hasn't cheated yet he's thought about it and that says there is something wrong.

All men look and fantasize about other women...nothing will ever change that...but that seems to be where your focus is but not what the problem is...

In his own backward way he's telling you he's unhappy, there are problems and being so attentive or douting on this woman, are his way of trying to bring the real issues to the surface.

It sounds like you are unhappy as well and probably have been for awhile...I think that instead of ditching the marriage you both need to sit down and discuss what's wrong under your own roof, not talking about other women or looking at other women, that's just counter productive. Talk about what you see the problems are that are not about other women, and have him discuss what he sees are the problems.

Decide together if you want to work on the marriage or if you want to go your own way...if you want to salvage the marriage or try to, then find a counselor and go...together and individually...fix it, don't inflate it...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## ILOVEDHIM (Apr 18, 2009)

Thanks everyone for your advice it is really helpful...We did go to a counselor and it isn't really doing much good...it has been two weeks and to sessions and nothing has changed...I asked him tonight why he isn't trying to make this work and everytime I get a well what are you doing? he can never just be accountable for his own actions. I cooked dinner for him and again was late from work...I didn't nag..he said Im sorry im late ...I didn't nag just said dinner just came out of the oven. We sat and ate and he sat on the recliner and I layed on the couch ( our sofa is a sectional shaped in an L with one recliner by itself an armrest and another recliner next to the long sofa ) He never bothered to kiss me when he arrived and sat at the single recliner ..I said hey babe if that recliner was bigger Id sit next to you. He took the hint and sat next to me . I laid on his chest as we watched tv and the whole time he had his hands behind his head..never hugging or touching me and then 10 min later was asleep. Well it happened again today this time he didn't come and sit next to me just ignored what I said.
During conceling he said he hated that I never went to bed at the same time he did...so I have been doing that everyday and Im there for 5 min and he is asleep no cuddling no nothing.. So tonight I asked why ...why was he not making any effort..and he has the nerve to ask me why I wasn't ...Im so done!!! He has hurt me so bad that I really honestly don't feel the love I have felt for all these years and he is making it harder and harder to feel that love for him. I hope I've made since.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ILOVEDHIM said:


> A few days later we were talking and I said I was trying to work on the marriage and he said what marriage ..we don't have a marriage there is no intimacy


This part caught my attention... 
What happened to the sex?


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Men feel loved when sex is involved. It sounds to me what he is expecting form you is to initiate it...to him, that is what he sees you should be doing to "fix" it.


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## ILOVEDHIM (Apr 18, 2009)

Well everyone again thanks for writing...so counceling has been fun..to say the least. Lets see first week was I didn't go to bed with him..second week was no intimacy ..third week was I don't listen when he speaks..I could hardly wait for this week..lol. But it is all about him. What happened to him hurting me? What happened to my needs? What happened to him not talking to be about these feelings or asking about going to counceling months ago instead of broadsiding my and telling me he is done? We went on a weekend trip and it was like the old days we had such a great time!! but then we are back home to reality where things went back to how they've been. I spoke to him and told him while on our trip I was prepared for a divorce if that is truely what he wanted..it would hurt and be hard for me but I would survive..if he thought that grass was greener on the other side of the fence then he could go for it but if it wasn't he couldn't expect to come back to me. I was tired of crying and feeling this way and if he wasn't going to even try why are we going to counceling. Im so confused!!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

are you saying "why are we going to counseling if i don't get to talk about what i think is wrong"???


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## ILOVEDHIM (Apr 18, 2009)

No that is not what Im saying but guess what my suspicions were right all along ..what i was saying is that in counceling all he did was blamed me for the marriage in the stages of failing but what he failed to admit in counceling until I caught him was...HE WAS CHEATING WITH A 35 year old COWORKER...who is 13 years younger so all the mean stuff he said to me was guilt. I am so hurt and crushed...my children are crushed. He now said in counceling that he wanted our marriage to work and he would put 200 percent into trying to make it work. He said he still has strong feelings for me and would like to fall in love with me again. but I don't know if I could do this...this woman pretended to be my friend the whole time she was with my husband. I don't know if I could go on with my marriage and try to make it work the thought of him him...her..sex just makes me sick and disgusted!! how can I ever be intimate with him? I am so confused please give me advice on what to do...I still love him very much...but he cheated and treated me like **** while he was trying to make me feel like it was all me.


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## YoungMilitarySpouse (Apr 9, 2009)

ILOVEDHIM-
I do not think youre wrong for being upset at all...it just depends on what youre willing to accept. HE said hes unhappy..youre unhappy...you have been married for 30 years so you are either over it or ready to spice things up. If you cant put the past behind you, you cant move forward


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## ILOVEDHIM (Apr 18, 2009)

Well Im back!!! it's been awhile since I last wrote. In the mean time he has been a lying *******!!! the whole time he was going to counceling 18 mos to be exact saying he loved me and wanted to make the marriage work he was still having his affair with this *****!!! and making me look like the psyco ***** to my kids and the counclers...well the ***** was calling me all along telling me they were still together and when i would question him he would say they are lying and he wasn't having anything to do with her that he would avoid her and what not...so she called one day and he was living in a different city while I was taking care of all the stuff at home to move with him...and told me he was still with her so i asked him and he said no...so I drove to that city and installed spyware in his phone and whala he was calling her and they were still having the affair...oh i forgot we went on our anniverary trip and 7 days later on her anniversary he spent it in a hotel room in the city we were moving from ...made love to her and then came home and had sex with me...who does that? Then he looks one of my children in the eyes and says he was having nothing to do with her I was going crazy but he failed to tell him he had just spent the day at the hotel with her the 4 days prior. After finding out about the affair that continued I told him to get out!!! he begged and signed a form saying he'd give me everything if I gave him one last chance...so being the stupid ass that I am I did . His work found out about it and questioned him and her and he told them it was over and he wanted nothing to do with her that he was trying to put us back together and he was happy. I have the spyware in his phone and there hasn't been any communication for almost a year now and he continues to appoligize to myself and our kids...now he is saying and doing all the right things...but I think its a little to late because I dispise him at times and can't seem to forgive him and put it behind me...Yeah and after all this I still love him but am not inlove with him if that makes any since. For the 18 mos we were going to counceling sex was great and after I found out the second time i don't want to have sex with him!!! I asked him why he didn't stop it when I found out the first time and he said it was just the sex it was different but wait he was having sex with me to so that wasn't good enough? He says he loves me Im his solemate and bestfriend and she was a mistake and he hates her and dispises her ..why could it be because she set him up ? cause the way I see it if he didn't love her and loved me why did he treat me like **** for 2 years and stayed with her...if I was having an affair and did it for the sex I wouldn't treat him like **** If I planned on never leaving him. by the way I heard a recording of her telling him to end it but he says she was trying to make herself look innocent . so tell me who do i believe and now what do I do and if I choose to stay how do I get passed all this **** that has been done to me by him and her?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is my opinion based on what you wrote. I think your husband was and is absolutely sure that he could have a little fun and his loyal faithful wife would still be their when he got tire of the other woman. The risk were low to him he was able to string you along until he had his fill. He never planned to divorce and he was sure no matter what he did that after his fun his faithful wife would be there happy that he is back. There was little risk of the financial hit and disruption of his domestic comfort by divorce. how did he know? 

You told him. No you say, I say yes. Yes because you pit up with his bad yreatment of you got many years not only that you kept up your end of the commitment by having sex, doing his laundry cooking etc etc. Now he is back going through all of the motions he resting on his laurels none the worse for whear. Now he has to convince the wife that he never ment to do it and to keep up his domestic comfort and financial security. 

Stay with him if it is convenient but don't trust and don't forget. I think you should do none of the things you did for his comfort before he went to have a little fun. Your husband has suffered zero consequences for what he did and you have suffered mightily. You were humiliated by this women, tortured by her while your husband stood by. I am not sure why you want to reward him with your presence but if you think it is convent then do so. 

Buy and it a big one - it is time to woman up and change your life. You have been living through this man taking his devalued view of you. You did it because you let him define you. You ate angry because you continue to give your life to man who dies not deserve your devotion and commitment. 

So what do you do? Take that energy that you ate wasting on him and put it back on you. It is time to be selfish. Do everything different if you have always been there when he comes home, don't be. Take a course go out with girlfriends, go to art shows make new male and female friends. 

Get your hair and nails done, go to the gym, buy new clothes. The only way you are going to survive this with your dignity is to either divorce his azzz or if you don't want to disrupt your life, become a completely different person. 

If he wants you let him earn you back. Get tested for STDs. Fix your self up like you are dating you never know yousy decide you'd like something different and decide to drop him. Never let him be sure of you. Now he has gotten away with it. 

You have fun now spend as much money as you want, take as much time as you want and so whatever you want. Don't let him know exactly what you are doing or who you are with. He should not be so sure that his domestic drudge and fall back sex partner will always be their. Oh I forgot best friend don't bother ith that either best friends don't do what he did. 

Dont worry about him cheating if you are not there. You were there so that did not prevent it. So it is time to change up. There is nothing you can do to prevent him from cheating except completely surprise him and divorce him

. I think you should - the way he conducted the affair allowing the woman to call you repeatedly tells me that he was certain no matter what he did he would not lose a thing. Show him there are consequences - he loses you if not in divorce well then the devoted wife he once had. 

Don't be do sure he is not still involved with the OW or some other woman. Plan your life so that you can drop him at the slightest hint of an affair. When you firdt posted in 09, all the signs of chesting were there so now you know. 

You have much work to do so take the focus from him and put it on you. It is your turn now. No more Mrs nice girl. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILOVEDHIM (Apr 18, 2009)

Cathrine, you are soooo right and I now know that ...believe me so no I have not made his life easy at all...just this weekend he spent fathers day alone and believe me I am no saint in telling him how I feel about this whole disgusting affair... Today he told me because I said I wanted the truth that he initiated the hotel stay in july of 10 and that they were having sex three to 4 times a week...but wait Im suppose to now want to have sex with him...because yes he threw up in my face how things were back to the way they were prior to the affair me not wanting sex cause it's been a whole month wow...lol.. my response was "really..you expect me to want to have sex with a man who just told me that he didn't stop the affair not because he loved her but because of the sex...in other words you are having sex with me three to four times a week so basically I wasn't good enough for you and besides that if he was having the same amount of sex with me then he was doing both of us on the same day!!!! who fricken does that ?...Thats right a low life piece of **** who only has feelings and thinks about his own needs. Get this he also told me he had an affair because I was to wrapped up in raising my son...go figure ******* why werent you there next to me helping oh thats right you were to busy ****ing the ghetto monkey *****.... he told me he is tired of the fighting and that im never going to get passed this...oh it's only been ten months since you stopped but you put me throug hell for 24 please!!!!! you are so abused *******... he slept in has car tons of times and did it again lastnight and tonight yep on the damn couch so I told him he needed to find an apartment cause I was done... I told him I would have sex with his friend then come home and tell him it was for the sex but all the time having sex with him then he could tell me how to move forward and get past it besides the fact that he chopped off my arms and legs and left me there to bleed while he held her ****en hand and watched me. 
So what does he tell me today? .... that me bringing up the afair is like..if i was driving wrecklas and because of that got into an accident and he lost his arm and everyday he would tell me If only i had my arm if only you wouldn't of been driving like that ..I wish I woud still beable to have my arm and hand how would I feel ...I said like **** cause I knew I caused it...his response...that is how I feel everytime you bring up the affair...because I know I have hurt you so deeply and I can't do anything about what I have done all I could do is show you and make this marriage better and stronger. I promise you I well never do this to you again. so I asked if he had memories of her and he said yes he gets triggers but they don't make him feel fuzzy inside they disgust him and even watching tv that brings up things about affairs makes him sick...So ask me do I believe his bull****? HELL NO!!!! 
It wasn't only her who tormented me he did too...when i first found out I would send him text telling him I love him or i missed him an all i ever got was a...TY ...i asked him why he could never say back and his response was ...i don't want you to get your hopes up...he makes love to me and i thought it was the most beautiful love making I had experienced the next day he tells me he felt nothing for me. The day before our anniversary trip he tells me he is no longer in love with me and then has a fit at the councelors cause I said then go alone cause Im filing for a divorce!!! I was alway told she is no longer an option cause she is married and has kids ..never because I love you and made a mistake ..the list goes on ...and yes I am angry with myself for allowing this ******* to treat me like **** but not anymore if he doesn't like the new me then there is the door ******* !!!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi after so many months you are still raw that means that there is still much left unresolved. It does not sound that you will get that resolution from outside of yourself and certainly not your husband Right now, you are still getting your identity from him and his attitude towards you. Also you are consumed with making him pay. He will pay but not at your hand. Are you seeing an IC now? That may help. 

As I said, this is your time and you need to make the transition. Do it wheather he is there or not. Read over my post again and start small with the changes I suggested and slowly ramp up. You can stay stuck in this angry phase the rest of your life, what a waste. he is not worth it. 

There are a number of things I think would help - If you want to stay for now do so while you establish your autonomy and self identity. What do you like doing? Don't do things to spite him do things that you enjoy. 

The best reaction to him is indifference! Did you know that? Don't ask for explanations anymore it gives him the oppurtunity to hurt you he knows what you need to hear and he will not give you that. First thing stop cold focusing your attention on him. It will be hard at first but when you fail get up and keep going. Your aim is to make him as unimportant to you as he appears to have made you. That's your job for the next month development a sense of indifference towards him and change your looks completely. Get a makeover. 

He seems to have no intension of offering you atonement for what he did so he gets to keep kicking you because he knows what you want but will not give it to you. He is still disregarding you and disrespecting you. He does not want divorce most likely because being married is financially expedient for him and it looks good in his work. However what is the value of this marriage to you? 

Are you going to start there? There are many well put together women on this site who will help you on this wonderful journey of self discovery. You may decide that you don't want him and actually discover that you want someone else and they want you That will boost your sense of yourself. Remember practice indifference. Start today. 

Don't ignore, be friendly, cordial but cool and do your own thing, don't talk about the relationship. No sex with him - you want someone to make love to you, he can beat himself off if he wants sex - he atones and gives you the respect you need. Keep venting but move ahead. Work off your anger with exercise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Stop inviting him to hurt you by asking him about the affair and it keeps you in anger mode you don't need to know more. Go out and enjoy your life and then come home and tell him cooly and mater of factly how much you enjoyed yourself. 

You have a long way to go but by Dec you can be a completely and happy person. also make sure you are aware of the finances and your legal rights he may be hiding money because he sees the writing on the wall.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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