# We both cheated and need help!!



## Bella70 (Mar 17, 2009)

We both have cheated on each other. I have been dating and married with my hubby for 13 years. First we did the long distance dating, he lived 70 miles away from me and I do most of the driving to spend time with him over weekends. The first two years of dating, I caught him with a girl while in his home while he was just about to do sex with her (he admitted that then). He broke up with me and never told me why (but the reality was because he was not sexually satisfied w/me). After the broke up, he came back to me and telling me that he has learnt that I was the only one he would want. Then we got back. But after getting back, he cheated on me (dated a married woman while he was dating me and never admitted it when I tried to confront him). I don’t know what to call my self. The stupidest girl ever exists?! to take him back with all these baggage. But I loved him so dearly and I noticed a huge change on him. Anyway, by the 4th year of dating, we moved in together and with in 8 month after we got engaged. We were planning to get married. But at the last moment, he pushed me off and did not want to plan the wedding. I was so hurt, confused, gave up on him. I had been absolutely faithful to him when he was mistreating me all these times. All these times, I had a close friend who I used to hang out with who used to cheer me up when I was down. This friend knew my hubby and actually the two became close friends too. At the time that I was dealing with my hubby changing his mind or delaying the wedding, my close friend of 5 years and I made the biggest mistake that I regret. This was when I cheated (had sex w/ the friend), not fully intentionally planned and was not in love with the friend. But I think our close friendship and being so comfortable with the friend may led this to happen. After 3 month of this happened, the friend moved out of the State. I did not tell my hubby this mistake; I hid it from him and got married with him (married in 2003). We have two beautiful kids. Our marriage started out so happy, but for the last 2 years it has brought major unhappiness to both of us. We fight a lot; we disrespect each other a lot. Anyway, after our wedding, we kept the contact with the close friend, but so occasionally. We have seen him about 3 times since my screwed up event. But, about 8 month ago, I ended up talking to him again. To make it short, I ended up visiting my friend and I ended up cheating again (started to have sex)! This time, it made me feel so sick that I could no longer take the darkest secret I hold inside. It made me so depressed and suicidal. No one to talk to. Could not carry it inside so I confessed to my hubby just a week ago that I cheated on him 7 years ago and I cheated again 8 month ago with the same person. He is so devastated and hurt to hear my confession. Now it is open, he also admitted that he was having sex w/ the married girl while he was dating me. Please help; give me advice on how to maintain my marriage and my sanity!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

2 words

Marriage counseling.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Bella70-

Well, I fail to see the huge problem!
You both cheated, you both confessed. Nothing is going on now. What is the atmosphere like now? It's only a week. Things could get really good.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Mark is right. And RVH is to . Now you both know what its like. you can identify with the pain you both have. Get counseling, if it works great. If the pain is to great and you can't forgive. Get divorced.


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## Bella70 (Mar 17, 2009)

Mark & those who replied. Thanks much. The atmospher right now is the worst! Of course my cheating is recent and that it involves our best close friend, I feel and he feels that I hurt him more. And my cheating happened after engagment and wedding. And when we talk about the mistakes I made, he very much stress that mine should not happend under these conditions. 

We have been talking about how much it hurt and what do we really want from each other. He keep saying that he want to forgive and move on and work on our marriage problem. He has said that he does not want the divorce (could be because of kids but he said it is because he loves me much that he does not see life without me). I have the same feeling too. But, we are just not moving towards resolving the cheating issues and instead we are just going in the circle how the pain hurts and kept blaming each other. He was more obsessed than me to know the details on how it happened and still did not believe me when I tell hm i have no emotional or sexual feelings towards the friendr. Lately, I get so emotional, impatient, and giving up whenever we talk about it. How would the marriage councel help out? We have never been there before.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It is probably covered under you health insurance. How it would help is that a counselor (if he is for people staying together) can give you tools, set ground rules for discussion, give ideas to help you through it. My first suggestion is to completely drop the subject. Both of you get journal books and start writing in them. If you feel like confrontation whip out the journal and start writing.
Save the times you are not fighting for making love.


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## Bella70 (Mar 17, 2009)

Initforduration. Thank you! I will definitley go see a councelor (will try to convince him to go with me). I actually would love to vent it out on my journal. It is a good idea. I will bring this to him, and will try to drop the issue. I am not sure if he would agree with all. His approach is keep asking questions. I think he is going through websites that actaully recommend to do so (ask questions to the offender). The thing is he has asked me all the questions already, but he wants to ask again and again. To me, that did not take us any where and am concerned that this approach made him to visiually obessed about my cheating. I could be wrong. Anyway, thanks for your time. It really helps to talk to a third party.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Bella, you need to be patient and let him ask the questions over and over again. If I may, I would like to suggest that you write him a letter and read it to him. Possibly something like this. Make him sit down and ask him not to comment until you have fininshed

Tell him. I would like to read you something and I ask that you not speak or comment till I am finished. 

"First, I want to tell you that I love you more then anything. And that I understand that what I have done has hurt you beyond anything you have experienced before. I am the cause of that pain and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I betrayed everything that I hold dear. I betrayed you, our children, our vows and our love. and I also betrayed what I believe in also. This one night stand with the man I betrayed you with before we were married was completely my fault. I have no excuses....none. We have had our problems, but this was a completely inexcusable event. I should have pressed you to begin counseling together, to address our issues. Instead I despaired and began contacting XXXX. What happened made me sick and that is why I confessed to you. All I can commit to is that I will spend the rest of my life working to restore your trust in me. At this point, you feel that you may never be able to trust me again. That is my burden to bear. I know that there will be times when the anger over what I have done will consume you. At those times I will accept your anger. There will be times when you are consumed with sorrow and sadness. At those times I will weep with you. There will be times when you are distant. I will give you the space you need. And will take you in my arms when you are ready to be close to me again. There will be times when you see or hear things, movies, songs, stories that will trigger these events. I understand this and will try to be perceptive enough to see whats happening. I will never try to justify what I have done by bringing up anything in our past. This is about me not about you. I ask only one thing, that you will go to marital counseling so that we can be equipped to deal with this and other issues. I will find out from our insurance what they will cover (possibly 80%). I will schedule the sessions. The only thing I ask of you in this is to go with me and be completely honest when we get counseling, and that you commit to working on restoring our marriage. I will now answer any and all questions you have. And I will keep answering them as long as you ask them. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you and our family. 

*When you are finished. KEEP YOUR BIG MOUTH SHUT. REMEMBER NEVER SAY. "CAN'T WE JUST GET OVER THIS?' NO! NOBODY HEALS UNTIL HE HEALS. IF YOU SAY THIS YOU TRIVIALIZE HIS PAIN AND YOUR MARRIAGE. TELL HIM EVERYTHING......EVERYTHING. IF YOU HOLD ANYTHING BACK AND ADMIT TO IT AT A LATER DATE YOU WILL BRING HIM BACK TO THE MINUTE YOU CONFESSED. AND YOUR HEALING WILL HAVE TO BEGIN AGAIN. YOU WILL HAVE TO BE PATIENT. EXTREMELY PATIENT. WHEN EVER HE ASKS YOU TO COMPARE HIM TO THE OTHER MAN SEXUALLY. TELL HIM THAT IT WAS HOLLOW AND MEANINGLESS BECAUSE THERE WAS NO LOVE OR CONNECTION. HE WAS AN ESCAPE. *

NEVER CALL IT A MISTAKE. A MISTAKE IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A SCIENCE TEST AND GIVE A WRONG ANSWER. THIS WAS NOT A MISTAKE. YOU DID NOT ACCIDENTALLY FORGET TO TAKE OFF YOUR PANTIES. HE DID NOT TRIP AND FALL INSIDE OF YOU. THIS WAS INFIDELITY AND BETRAYAL. AND YOU NEED TO LOOK AT IT AS SUCH. 

I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK.


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## Bella70 (Mar 17, 2009)

Initfor. I was wiping reading your post. I truly feel this inside. I have also tried to tell him so. I will be very patient and will wait until he heals him self. I will print out and read what you suggested.... and read it to him one of these days. Thanks a billion! I accept that I betrayed him, do not know what else to call it.... than mistake. But I will take full responsiblity for what I did.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Call it "your betrayal"


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## Bella70 (Mar 17, 2009)

initfor. I do not think I understood your last post. Call it "your betrayal"? What do you mean? I really value your advice a lot and I also value your time! Thanks so much.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I was just telling you what to call it other then a mistake. You don't have to wear a scarlet letter. Or broadcast it to the world. "Your betrayal" is what you should call it between you and your husband.


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## Bella70 (Mar 17, 2009)

Initfor. Yes Definitley right! it is "my betrayal". I wish time can be changed and I would stop the clock right there before any of it to happen. I never wish my cheating experience to my enemy, to go through the painly road I am gonig through because of what I did. The fact is nothing worth out of it, and actually all it brought to my life is shame, guilt, feeling of dirty, misery, and above all it really broke my heart that I disappointed him and God. thanks for listening!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> "First, I want to tell you that I love you more then anything. And that I understand that what I have done has hurt you beyond anything you have experienced before. I am the cause of that pain and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I betrayed everything that I hold dear. I betrayed you, our children, our vows and our love. and I also betrayed what I believe in also. This one night stand with the man I betrayed you with before we were married was completely my fault. I have no excuses....none. We have had our problems, but this was a completely inexcusable event. I should have pressed you to begin counseling together, to address our issues. Instead I despaired and began contacting XXXX. What happened made me sick and that is why I confessed to you. All I can commit to is that I will spend the rest of my life working to restore your trust in me. At this point, you feel that you may never be able to trust me again. That is my burden to bear. I know that there will be times when the anger over what I have done will consume you. At those times I will accept your anger. There will be times when you are consumed with sorrow and sadness. At those times I will weep with you. There will be times when you are distant. I will give you the space you need. And will take you in my arms when you are ready to be close to me again. There will be times when you see or hear things, movies, songs, stories that will trigger these events. I understand this and will try to be perceptive enough to see whats happening. I will never try to justify what I have done by bringing up anything in our past. This is about me not about you. I ask only one thing, that you will go to marital counseling so that we can be equipped to deal with this and other issues. I will find out from our insurance what they will cover (possibly 80%). I will schedule the sessions. The only thing I ask of you in this is to go with me and be completely honest when we get counseling, and that you commit to working on restoring our marriage. I will now answer any and all questions you have. And I will keep answering them as long as you ask them. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you and our family."


wow! What a powerful letter. If my husband wrote or said something like that to me it would make this so much easier. 

Bella, I have asked my husband so many questions and I keep asking because I know I don't have all the truth. When I am satisfied, I'll stop asking. I told him that, and I have reason to feel this way. He never chose to confess like you did, I caught him then he admitted very little. I have had to ask, and ask and I never will be sure I have all the truth. So my advice to you, is be honest, answer his questions fully. You can spare his feelings in your word choice but never hide the truth to spare his feelings. My husband does that to me but its cost him what little trust I have rebuilt.


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## Bella70 (Mar 17, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO. Thanks much for your valubale time. I am trying my best to tell him the truth even if it hurts him more. That is what he kept telling me. I have been answering his questions truthfully. I also admit that I am so much worried he is getting the visiual of it so stuck in his mind. I tried not to give him that but hearing the little part of it already gave him unforgettable pictures. He kept asking me the details, all about it. And I am trying to answer him, like you said " spare his feelings" by the words I chose. I asked him what he wants to know about the detail.. He mentioned that he would like to see it himself if there were emotion connection w/ the friend. I try to assure him that there is not. But what he wanted to know in the bed I think made him or hurt him more than identifying if there is the connection. I do not mind answering any questions he has and I want to be there with him while dealing this, even it means I need to take more heat for my action. To me, I dealt it differently and that could be because of the degree of what happened. Please throw me any suggestion based on your experience. Thanks!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Bella, *WARNING* sex talk

A man judges how his marriage is doing by sex. A woman judges it by communication. If he is communicating with you, don't complain at least he is there venting to you. Keep answering all his questions. Hopefully you two are being intimate. Sex will run the spectrum from 2 or more times a day (hysterical bonding), to aversion to any touch from you at all. I hope that you are encouraging him if the opportunity arises (excuse the innuendo). This is important to him to restore his confidence in your love. I sincerely hope that you did not do anything with the other man that you refused to your husband. Also do not make love to him in any different way then you did before. DO NOT COME UP WITH ANY NEW POSITIONS! This would send the message that the other man pleases you more then him. If he is adventurous fine. If he asks a question fine. Just don't be offering anything different.


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## Bella70 (Mar 17, 2009)

Initfor. WARNING SEX TALK. Thanks much for useful information. I really will put it in my mind while going through this. At this time, we are doing the same sex we were doing until the confession (same all, including the frequency). He asked me if oral sex was invloved during the affairs, and I told him the truth, no. Also, he wanted to know how I felt during sex and foreplay etc. I have told him that the feeling there was so empty to rememeber it until now, which is the truth. I have kept telling him that he is the only one who rocks my world when it comes to sex. Anyway, you have a good point that now it may help out to be more intimate that before. I will try my best on that. BTW, we agreed to see a counsler and had our first session this morning. There were so much to tell the counsler and did not get a chance to go through to help him out in the emotional need. He will the counsler this Tuesday (himself only). Hopefully, that helps him a bit. But, the counsler also stresses that despite the infidelity issues, we have a major problem that we need to start working on it right away. She wanted to help us out on that too. I was so glad to talk openly with her and I think he was also too. Thanks all of you, for your strong support on all this! I will keep posting...to seek more of your advices.


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