# To move or not to move



## twizted (Apr 25, 2011)

We've been together for 7 years. She has 4 older children 17-22. My 3 kids are younger, 9-14. My oldest boy lives with me. We've always struggled with blending our family. We've never quite seen eye-to-eye when it comes to parenting, responsibilities, chores, etc. We've just agreed to disagree and we try not to sweat the small stuff.

Recently her daughter, 18, was accepted into Arizona State University. She was accepted but there's no scholarship and no college savings. We live in Illinois. The ASU tuition for out-of-state students is $29K/year. I suggested she attend community college, work a part-time job, and start saving her money. She can then transfer to a bigger school in her junior or senior year.

My wife doesn't agree. She has decided we should move from Illinois to Arizona, where the tuition drops to $7K per year. Even if my wife's job agrees to transfer her, I would need to leave a good, high-paying job. It would also mean splitting up the family - leaving behind 2 of her kids and 2 of mine, as well as our extended family in Illinois.

I want to support her and her daughter, even going as far as looking at rental properties in the Tempe/Surprise area. But I can't ignore the ache in the pit of my stomach that tells me it's a bad idea. I do like the idea of getting out of Illinois. I could probably find a decent job in AZ. But I have at least 100 reasons why NOW is not the time.

This issue is hitting at the core of our marriage. Continued disagreement could lead to separation or even divorce. Do I stand by my wife and help her daughter realize her dreams? Or should I stand my ground and risk losing them both?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Stand your ground. Dont move. Its ridiculous to uproot everyone when there are many ways her daughter can get in-state tuition herself. She can move there, work, and attain residency herself if she really wants it. Welcome to growing up. Your suggestion of going to a community college first to save up some money is also an option. No way should you move especially if you have a good job that you like. Now that is not something that's easy to come by!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Blanca said:


> Stand your ground. Dont move. Its ridiculous to uproot everyone when there are many ways her daughter can get in-state tuition herself. She can move there, work, and attain residency herself if she really wants it. Welcome to growing up. Your suggestion of going to a community college first to save up some money is also an option. No way should you move especially if you have a good job that you like. Now that is not something that's easy to come by!


I agree - what do you do for the rest of the kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twizted (Apr 25, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> I agree - what do you do for the rest of the kids?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey golfergirl,
I wasn't sure if your question was rhetorical or not, but...
My two youngest would stay in IL with their Mom. It would mean a lot of phone calls to stay in touch. But we could have summers together.
My oldest and her younger two would move and attend AZ schools.
Her two oldest would be on their own, which I don't think is a bad thing.
- That's the plan anyway...if I choose to accept it.

Thanks for sharing your opinion.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

You'd all move so one kid can establish residency?? Wouldn't that take a year or two? And how resentful will you be when she changes her mind about that college-- young people do that..no, I wouldn't move.


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## twizted (Apr 25, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> You'd all move so one kid can establish residency?? Wouldn't that take a year or two? And how resentful will you be when she changes her mind about that college-- young people do that..no, I wouldn't move.


Thanks. So far it's 3-0 in favor of not moving. At this point I think my wife feels committed to her daughter and will move regardless of my decision. How does the saying go?...
"If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."


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## bitl (Apr 28, 2011)

i would look into how long it takes to establish residency. Also you can save money by going to jr college then transferring to a University. Why didn’t she apply to a school in IL? Who said she could apply to AZ? How do the kids feel about having to move bc of their step sister or their dad leaving them? My 14yr old step daughter would be pissed, changing schools is never fun or easy at that age, takes at least 2 yrs to adjust. Then what if the daughter going to AZ drops out? Then you got even more issues and kids don’t forget. Or if the kids stay in IL then you got issue bc your not around and chose to leave them. When the next one gets accepted in college will you pick up and move again for him or her? 

bottom line: i vote not to move, your wife should see things this way too.....maybe try explaining it better...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Your daughter is 18 and it's time she start thinking and acting like one. 

My daughter will be a senior next year. I can't afford college and my H and I both feel that she and my son will be paying for their own college educations.

There are several reasons for this. For one, we don't have the money but two, it will encourage them to take their higher education SERIOUSLY and not consider it a 4 year license to party and "find themselves", as is often common for those who have their college education paid for them. Suddenly when the bill is footed by them they have to think SERIOUSLY about what it is they want to do and can afford. Again, it's part of becoming an adult and making life decisions. We are encouraging our daughter to think CAREFULLY about the schools she chooses and look into scholarships so she isn't paying off student loans into her '30s. 

Your wife is not only making the sin of handing her daughter a silver platter of money but is taking a wrecking ball to everyone else's life in your household as well! Needless to say I think her idea of parenting is just crazy. She needs to get a grip and let her daughter act like an adult. You going to do this with ALL your kids and put yourself in a mountain of debt and decrease your own standard of living as well? What if your daughter decides in her second year that college isn't for her and decides to join the Peace Corps? You don't think this can happen? Think again. You don't want to mortgage your life like that. 

I have a friend who cosigned a VERY expensive student loan for his wife's daughter (his stepdaughter) to go to a private university EVEN THOUGH she got a full scholarship to an in-state school. But she didn't WANT to go to that school so they cosigned this loan instead! Is that nuts or what? :slap: Well sure enough she flunked out after her first year and then dropped out. Nice. So now her parents are left paying off the student loan. Thank goodness it was only for one year. 

Don't subject yourself to that sort of thing. Make her pay her own way and she should make her own decisions and tell your wife to let the kid grow up. It's time.


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