# Found SnapSext on iPhone Web History



## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

So I've been dealing with a sexless marriage for awhile now, due to excessive porn use on his part (me: 45, he: 51, together about 5 1/2 years), and recently, things have become even more sporadic, actually pretty much non-existent. I already know about the porn, so was curious, went checking the history on his iPhone - where you go into Safari, Advanced, Website Data (not really sure if it's proof/relevant, but found that info on this site, thanks to an old post by Almostrecovered). Was expecting the usual, but found SnapSext.com, as well as some teen sites (gross). SnapSext is at 32.0KB, and not being all that text savy, not sure if it means he is a regular user or not...very frustrated with him at the moment. Have not said a word. We are both home from work for the holidays. Needless to say, not feeling very festive!

I guess what I'm asking is how do I know if he's actually using snapsext?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

@GusPolinski?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

P.S. "teens" is more than just "gross." It could be child porn and your husband could be prosecuted.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cvan said:


> So I've been dealing with a sexless marriage for awhile now, due to excessive porn use on his part (me: 45, he: 51, together about 5 1/2 years), and recently, things have become even more sporadic, actually pretty much non-existent. I already know about the porn, so was curious, went checking the history on his iPhone - where you go into Safari, Advanced, Website Data (not really sure if it's proof/relevant, but found that info on this site, thanks to an old post by Almostrecovered). Was expecting the usual, but found SnapSext.com, as well as some teen sites (gross). SnapSext is at 32.0KB, and not being all that text savy, not sure if it means he is a regular user or not...very frustrated with him at the moment. Have not said a word. We are both home from work for the holidays. Needless to say, not feeling very festive!
> 
> *I guess what I'm asking is how do I know if he's actually using snapsext?*


Ehhh... this will be difficult. What you're seeing may be the result of ads that are linked to whatever site (or sites) he's been visiting. Then again, he might actually be visiting/using that specific site.

Still, it's not _impossible_ to dig a bit deeper, but you'll need a certain comfort level w/ computer networking technology.

That said, all of this more or less assumes that he's accessing these sites on his phone using wifi (probably a pretty safe bet) vs 3G, 4G, etc.

Paging @ScrambledEggs, as he's a bit more familiar w/ home packet sniffing configs than I.


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

A few years back when the porn problem reared its ugly head, I confronted him - he claimed at the time that it was 'pop-ups', but that was on a laptop - this is on his phone. In my experience, when I get ads on my phone, I have to actually click them to access, they don't just open up by themselves.

Doubt that the exxtrasmall.com is actual child porn, these sites exist legally (albeit frigging disgusting) not defending him mind you!

I haven't said a word - I deleted the web history and data (every site is now set to 0.0KB) - will be patient and check back again to see what he's up to.

Keeping quiet is very hard for me - i feel like jamming that phone up his you know what. Hhhh!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If you are about to click on a button and a popup suddenly appears it can mean you accidentally click on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I HATE that I can actually chime in on the teen thing. But the teen sites are not really teens. They are 18 year old (or older) women that LOOK very young so they advertise them as "teen". 

Unfortunately, the law only says the woman has to be 18, but they can advertise it however they want. 

My husbands porn use is excessive. He's become a pro at hiding his usage, but in the past the "teen" movies have always made me sick to my stomach when I see them on the internet history. I've clicked on a few of them in a panic just to make sure they aren't child porn. I've had to turn a couple of them off very quickly because the girls look like they're 12. 

It's disgusting, but unfortunately legal.

Thankfully, my husbands usage was never very heavy in the "teen" department. He prefers cam videos and porn that's set up to look like the people don't know they're being filmed. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

if you go on a porn site 1,000 pop-ups appear, 32kb is not much maybe a small pic, either way the porn use seems to be the smaller problem here.

There is a saying that goes something like this; keeping a man happy is simple, keep his stomach full and balls empty. 

Point being the sexless marriage is the bigger problem here, the porn is a byproduct of it.

Focus on what you can do, not what he is doing, you want a change then make a change yourself. 

This is a sick vicious cycle you are on, stop the cycle, start cleaning the house naked and the porn use will start to go away.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

HiRoad said:


> if you go on a porn site 1,000 pop-ups appear, 32kb is not much maybe a small pic, either way the porn use seems to be the smaller problem here.
> 
> There is a saying that goes something like this; keeping a man happy is simple, keep his stomach full and balls empty.
> 
> ...


I beg to differ. I could **** my husbands brains out 3x a day and he would STILL look at porn almost daily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> I beg to differ. I could **** my husbands brains out 3x a day and he would STILL look at porn almost daily.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


have you tried? 

My W and I have gone stints of no sex before, porn use increases. But once we get back into the swing of things (1x+/day), sexting, pics through out the day, etc. I can attest I think nothing more that to mount her!


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

HiRoad said:


> have you tried?
> 
> My W and I have gone stints of no sex before, porn use increases. But once we get back into the swing of things (1x+/day), sexting, pics through out the day, etc. I can attest I think nothing more that to mount her!


I didn't only TRY, I DID. It didn't matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HiRoad said:


> There is a saying that goes something like this; keeping a man happy is simple, keep his stomach full and balls empty.
> 
> Point being the sexless marriage is the bigger problem here, the porn is a byproduct of it.
> 
> ...


Ehhh... you may have read OP's initial post incorrectly.

It sounds to me like this guy is actively denying his wife sexual intimacy, and that his porn usage likely has a lot to do w/ that.

IOW, the sexless state of their marriage is on him and not her.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

HiRoad said:


> if you go on a porn site 1,000 pop-ups appear, 32kb is not much maybe a small pic, either way the porn use seems to be the smaller problem here.
> 
> There is a saying that goes something like this; keeping a man happy is simple, keep his stomach full and balls empty.
> 
> ...


I agree only that a sexless marriage is the bigger problem, but completely disagree that the porn use just goes away. My ex had ED and used the teen sex sites alot. My attempts to interest him in our bed were not met ......nicely. So it all depends on what he's actually doing there and why.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Ehhh... you may have read OP's initial post incorrectly.
> 
> It sounds to me like this guy is actively denying his wife sexual intimacy, and that his porn usage likely has a lot to do w/ that.
> 
> IOW, the sexless state of their marriage is on him and not her.


Gus I don't see where she is trying to make a change. Maybe I missed that somewhere?

Either way, she has to still focus on what she can do and what she is contributing to the problem.

Blaming him will only make things worse.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> I didn't only TRY, I DID. It didn't matter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Wow!:surprise: Are you still w/ him?

if so, he must have 1 h3ll of a sex drive!

Have you tried doing something different to spice things up a bit?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

intheory said:


> Or, the complete opposite way around.


it is defiantly cyclical


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

intheory said:


> LosingHim,
> 
> Isn't it sad that you have to grateful that the women are only "pretend" 12 years old.
> 
> Well, I'm glad to hear that that doesn't seem to be his main focus. Thank God for smaller favors, I suppose.


Earth sucks. I wanna go to Mars and start over.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

intheory said:


> Or she doesn't want to be in a threesome.


My idea of a threesome:

Me watching two guys shovel my driveway.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

intheory said:


> I'll bet there's already a porn niche for "Sex with Martians"
> 
> No, I'm not going to try and look it up and find out.


But that's Earth crap. On Mars we're an enlightened bunch.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Maybe the porn use is instead of sex. I see a lot of posts from women that their husbands are looking at porn and jacking off instead of having sex with them. These men are lazy and selfish. It's not so easy to "fix the sexless marriage" like you are blaming her. It takes two people to have a sex.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

HiRoad said:


> Wow!:surprise: Are you still w/ him?
> 
> if so, he must have 1 h3ll of a sex drive!
> 
> Have you tried doing something different to spice things up a bit?


We are separated, still living together, I'm moving out soon. 

But.....we still have sex. He just text me something sexual. 

He's very high drive. I have a high sex drive too, but I'm totally happy with once or twice a day. 

We've done everything under the sun. I'm not a ***** but since he was my husband and I trusted and wanted to please him, I was very open with him as far as sex went. 

But he still watched porn. Constantly. I don't know if he has an addiction and I don't even know if he always "got release" from porn, I have an inkling he uses it a lot for an escape from reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> We are separated, still living together, I'm moving out soon.
> 
> But.....we still have sex. He just text me something sexual.
> 
> ...


IMO it's not in your best interest to continue to have sex with him.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

intheory said:


> Nope, it definitely is not always cyclical.
> 
> Wife is having plenty of sex with husband. But her títs aren't big enough, or the right shape, or "perky" enough. Or she doesn't want anal. Or she doesn't want to be in a threesome. Or she isn't a redhead. Or she isn't Asian.
> 
> ...


point taken, lol

but if that's the case then: buy her some boobs, spread her wings, buy a blow up doll, dye her hair...

I'm just saying, we have to stop being so rigid and make our spouses dreams come true 0


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Heatherknows said:


> IMO it's not in your best interest to continue to have sex with him.


It's not. But with high drive myself, it's kind of hard for me to ignore the advances when he's in the same house all day every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> We are separated, still living together, I'm moving out soon.
> 
> But.....we still have sex. He just text me something sexual.
> 
> ...


I hope the porn use was not the reason for the separation but still living together


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HiRoad said:


> Gus I don't see where she is trying to make a change. Maybe I missed that somewhere?


Uhhh... I think you missed quite a bit.



HiRoad said:


> Either way, she has to still focus on what she can do and what she is contributing to the problem.
> 
> Blaming him will only make things worse.


Why do you assume that she's contributing anything to the problem? Is it not possible that her husband is simply a porn-obsessed jackass that prefers to eschew intimate contact w/ his wife in favor of jerking off?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

gus my point is IF she b!tches and complains to him about it, then it will get worse, approach 101

I agree that he is a porn-obsessed jackass that prefers to eschew intimate contact w/ his wife in favor of jerking off.

I still feel strongly that she needs to focus on what SHE can do to make things better or worse


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Maybe the porn use is instead of sex. I see a lot of posts from women that their husbands are looking at porn and jacking off instead of having sex with them. These men are lazy and selfish. It's not so easy to "fix the sexless marriage" like you are blaming her. It takes two people to have a sex.


What if the woman is lazy in bed? A dead lay is just as bad. 

2 people can be lazy in this situation.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

D1C said:


> *What if the woman is lazy in bed?* A dead lay is just as bad.
> 
> 2 people can be lazy in this situation.


its called being a starfish, lol those are the worst


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

HiRoad said:


> LosingHim said:
> 
> 
> > It's not. But with high drive myself, it's kind of hard for me to ignore the advances when he's in the same house all day every day.
> ...


That's my point. We don't know anything other than what she posted. We always hear one side and most times, 2 people contribute to the breakdown. 

Self assessment is a good reply for her, he has to do that too. Doesn't sound like either are willing tho.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Why do you assume that she's contributing anything to the problem? Is it not possible that her husband is simply a porn-obsessed jackass that prefers to eschew intimate contact w/ his wife in favor of jerking off?


I think Gus is cool. :x


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

D1C said:


> What if the woman is lazy in bed? A dead lay is just as bad.


...wow


:surprise:


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

Thanks to everyone who actually contributed to this thread, some of the responses have been encouraging. However, some of them sound like they come from horny teenaged boys, and really aren't helpful at all.

I joined this forum for help, not to be blamed for my husband's lack of interest in me. I realize you all only have one side of the story, but believe me when I say to you, it's ongoing for most of our 5 year relationship, I have tried just about everything. EVERYTHING. When you are the only one making ANY effort at all, it's very discouraging.

Right now, my main concern is the possibility of sexting (sextchat.com), not the porn. Before he came into my life, I was having quite the pornographic lifestyle myself. Who knew that marriage would be the end of my sex life???


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

intheory said:


> I'll bet there's already a porn niche for "Sex with Martians"
> 
> No, I'm not going to try and look it up and find out.


The Japanese probably have that market cornered.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I'm sorry that I can't help you with the technology.

It does surprise me that whenever a "Sexless Marriage" is mentioned it's ALWAYS the woman's fault to some. We all bring our own life experiences to these sites.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

cvan said:


> Thanks to everyone who actually contributed to this thread, some of the responses have been encouraging. However, some of them sound like they come from horny teenaged boys, and really aren't helpful at all.
> 
> I joined this forum for help, not to be blamed for my husband's lack of interest in me. I realize you all only have one side of the story, but believe me when I say to you, it's ongoing for most of our 5 year relationship, I have tried just about everything. EVERYTHING. When you are the only one making ANY effort at all, it's very discouraging.
> 
> Right now, my main concern is the possibility of sexting (sextchat.com), not the porn. Before he came into my life, I was having quite the pornographic lifestyle myself. Who knew that marriage would be the end of my sex life???



If you have tried everything, have you tried leaving?


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Like, if you can't walk up and ask him what's going on and you have to go all sherlock Holmes to find out, what are you saving? If he won't be honest, you don't have anything to save. 

That's too much work for me. If my wife is being dishonest to me, I'll just pack my stuff and go. Unless you plan on staying, it's a waste...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

D1C said:


> That's my point. We don't know anything other than what she posted. We always hear one side and most times, 2 people contribute to the breakdown.
> 
> Self assessment is a good reply for her, he has to do that too. Doesn't sound like either are willing tho.


I'd advise everyone to do themselves a HUGE favor and -- in any given thread -- use the input supplied by the OP in order to form an opinion and then offer a response.

If we're given incomplete details, or we're given too few details, or lies, or whatever, and based on that, we wind up w/ an incomplete or inaccurate impression of the relationship being discussed, and wind up offering what amounts to crap advice as a result, then that's on the OP.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

D1C said:


> That's my point. We don't know anything other than what she posted. We always hear one side and most times, 2 people contribute to the breakdown.
> 
> Self assessment is a good reply for her, he has to do that too. Doesn't sound like either are willing tho.


Same is true of EVERYBODY, including you. The thread got off track with people offering their solution to the issue OP didn't present.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HiRoad said:


> gus my point is IF she b!tches and complains to him about it, then it will get worse, approach 101
> 
> I agree that he is a porn-obsessed jackass that prefers to eschew intimate contact w/ his wife in favor of jerking off.
> 
> I still feel strongly that she needs to focus on what SHE can do to make things better or worse


What would you suggest?


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Did you ever go to the site to see what it was? Because I just went to sextchat.Com and it doesn't go to anything. It's a free domain name. So chances are he isn't on there.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Heatherknows said:


> I think Gus is cool. :x


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

My H admitted when we were in MC that he was addicted to porn at one point in our marriage. He actually had downloaded all these videos and pics to our two home computers, the ones that our children use. I found it all when I was searching for a picture I had saved but couldn't remember where I had stored it. I took a quick look and saw many teenage looking girls and some boys as well and wave after wave of facials, which I think are kinda misogynistic. He said he thought he had it well hidden. Huh.

I didn't care so much that he had been looking at it, I was beyond caring due to all our other marriage problems...that's a whole other story and includes a history of infidelity. What bothered me the most was that he had potentially exposed his teenage daughters and son to this stuff and what the hell, did he want his kids to know that their father was looking at porn? I especially hate what porn on the web is doing to young people - girls who think that's how they have to act in bed and boys who expect girls to act like porn stars. I'm not naive enough to think they don't know it's there and probably have looked at it, but that's different from knowing your parent is downloading a **** load of videos, that include young looking girls and boys. 

Have any of you brought this possibility up to your porn using spouses?


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Young boys? Smh


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

D1C said:


> Did you ever go to the site to see what it was? Because I just went to sextchat.Com and it doesn't go to anything. It's a free domain name. So chances are he isn't on there.


I just looked at it too. 

It is a webpage that list many links to many porn sites. It probably used to be an active site and now it’s parked and for sale.

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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

My H uses porn instead of actually having sex because it's easy, he doesn't have to worry about anyone else's needs, doesn't have to spend time actually getting me turned on and ready, actually getting me off. Nope, he can just click a video and do his own thing. 
There are a lot of women in the boat of being sexless for porn-related reasons. 

OP- are you guys on the same cloud? Can you set the settings on his phone to share internet history? When we got our new phones it was automatically set to on, I got all his phone web history, he got all mine.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> My H uses porn instead of actually having sex because it's easy, he doesn't have to worry about anyone else's needs, doesn't have to spend time actually getting me turned on and ready, actually getting me off. Nope, he can just click a video and do his own thing.
> There are a lot of women in the boat of being sexless for porn-related reasons.
> 
> OP- are you guys on the same cloud? Can you set the settings on his phone to share internet history? When we got our new phones it was automatically set to on, I got all his phone web history, he got all mine.


Honest question, why do you allow that? 

Same for the Op, you knew about the porn but allowed it... Why? That's just another way for him to disconnect from you. it shouldn't be allowed Unless you are both watching at the same time


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I just looked at it too.
> 
> It is a webpage that list many links to many porn sites. It probably used to be an active site and now it’s parked and for sale.
> 
> ...


Looks like a pop up site to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

cvan said:


> So I've been dealing with a sexless marriage for awhile now, due to excessive porn use on his part (me: 45, he: 51, together about 5 1/2 years), and recently, things have become even more sporadic, actually pretty much non-existent. I already know about the porn, so was curious, went checking the history on his iPhone - where you go into Safari, Advanced, Website Data (not really sure if it's proof/relevant, but found that info on this site, thanks to an old post by Almostrecovered). Was expecting the usual, but found SnapSext.com, as well as some teen sites (gross). SnapSext is at 32.0KB, and not being all that text savy, not sure if it means he is a regular user or not...very frustrated with him at the moment. Have not said a word. We are both home from work for the holidays. Needless to say, not feeling very festive!
> 
> I guess what I'm asking is how do I know if he's actually using snapsext?


I am late to this but Gus paged me.

32KB looks like an ad from snapsext.com loaded. It is too small for even their homepage. Could be he is looking at porn and deleting the main site he goes to but missing some of the banner add sites that load. 

Snapsext.com looks like a hook up site with lots of thinly veiled prostitution being offered and not porn btw. 

Have you talked to your husband about the low/no sex? Could be porn addiction.


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

D1C said:


> Honest question, why do you allow that?
> 
> Same for the Op, you knew about the porn but allowed it... Why? That's just another way for him to disconnect from you. it shouldn't be allowed Unless you are both watching at the same time


Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to do, here? Babysit him 24/7? Earlier, I believe you asked why I have to go all Sherlock Holmes on him, why don't i just ask (forgive if it wasn't you). Of course I've asked about it. I've studied it. Bought books. Spent thousands on counselling, for myself, for him and for both of us as a couple. Nothing has changed. He hasn't made one ounce of effort. We remain sexless.

Why don't I leave? I'm getting close. I guess the same reason other people in this same boat don't just leave. There is a lot invested in the relationship, and I have to decide whether or not porn is a deal breaker or not (so far it's not). But if he's sexting, that's a whole other level. I too, visisted the site, and was able to create an account, etc. Pathetic, I was looking for him on there. I do want to ask him, but I'm trying to collect whatever proof I can before I confront.


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I am late to this but Gus paged me.
> 
> 32KB looks like an ad from snapsext.com loaded. It is too small for even their homepage. Could be he is looking at porn and deleting the main site he goes to but missing some of the banner add sites that load.
> 
> ...


Yes, we've run the whole course...talking, arguing, counselling, etc...I don't get mad or yell or make threats - every now and then it comes up in conversation, and he squirms and squeems, he just doesn't know how to deal with his own sexuality, gets embarassed even talking to me about it, so we drop the subject until it comes up again.

I've been checking the phone on and off, mostly off, but yesterday when I saw that snapsext crap, I hit the roof (inside my head). Also, the sites that suggested teens was something new, too. Usually he visits playboy, penthouse, crap like that. 

I've always feared that regular porn would stop interesting him, and that he would escalate into EAs, PAs, or start looking at really weird **** (like 'teen' girls)...that's why I'm here.

Guess I will have to confront and simply ask. Only way to get an answer. Thanks for your help, Eggs.


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Snapsext.com looks like a hook up site with lots of thinly veiled prostitution being offered and not porn btw.


That's exactly what it is, hookup. I made an account and looked for him. Ugh. I hate what I've become.


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> My H uses porn instead of actually having sex because it's easy, he doesn't have to worry about anyone else's needs, doesn't have to spend time actually getting me turned on and ready, actually getting me off. Nope, he can just click a video and do his own thing.
> There are a lot of women in the boat of being sexless for porn-related reasons.
> 
> OP- are you guys on the same cloud? Can you set the settings on his phone to share internet history? When we got our new phones it was automatically set to on, I got all his phone web history, he got all mine.


He doesn't use cloud...does not have apple id....but i pick up his phone every now and then, we have a no password/secrets policy (that apparently only i am following), this was due to a resolved issue 4 years ago with an old flame of his attempting to rekindle the relationship (after WE were married). As I said, that's been resolved.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

D1C said:


> Honest question, why do you allow that?
> 
> Same for the Op, you knew about the porn but allowed it... Why? That's just another way for him to disconnect from you. it shouldn't be allowed Unless you are both watching at the same time


He's an adult who is going to do what he wants, I can't tell him what to do and what not to do. I don't "allow" it. I've told him how I feel about it and he can decide for himself, and I can decide what to do about it if it gets to where it's a deal breaker for me.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He's an adult who is going to do what he wants, I can't tell him what to do and what not to do. I don't "allow" it. I've told him how I feel about it and he can decide for himself, and I can decide what to do about it if it gets to where it's a deal breaker for me.





cvan said:


> Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to do, here? Babysit him 24/7? Earlier, I believe you asked why I have to go all Sherlock Holmes on him, why don't i just ask (forgive if it wasn't you). Of course I've asked about it. I've studied it. Bought books. Spent thousands on counselling, for myself, for him and for both of us as a couple. Nothing has changed. He hasn't made one ounce of effort. We remain sexless.
> 
> Why don't I leave? I'm getting close. I guess the same reason other people in this same boat don't just leave. There is a lot invested in the relationship, and I have to decide whether or not porn is a deal breaker or not (so far it's not). But if he's sexting, that's a whole other level. I too, visisted the site, and was able to create an account, etc. Pathetic, I was looking for him on there. I do want to ask him, but I'm trying to collect whatever proof I can before I confront.



Is this how you want to live the rest of your life.... Like this? 
Yall acting way too weak for me. you have Way more power than you are giving yourself credit for. Leave him! No wonder they do what they do, you don't check him. He gets to do whatever he wants with impunity and you accept it. 

You're trying to save a marriage where one party doesn't respect, or love you. What kind of marriage is that? It isn't one. He left a long time ago, you just have caught on yet. All this stress, emotion pain and hurt he's putting you through.... And you want more of it. Inaction won't net you any results. Your Inaction tells him it's OK. Pack a bag and leave for a month, if he gives any damn about you, he'll change. If he doesn't, you have your answer. 

If this was your daughter, in this exact same spot, would you want her to stay. If you say no, that's the exact advice you need to give yourself.

No need to babysit him, he's going to do what he's going to to do, but you don't have to be around for it. 

If you're on this site asking for advice, that tells me you don't accept it but that hasn't made it from your head to your heart. Life is so much more than being hurt everyday.

You are worth more than that.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

cvan said:


> That's exactly what it is, hookup. I made an account and looked for him. Ugh. I hate what I've become.


Cvan, my ex was a serial cheater and towards the end of the marriage is porn use did switch to cybersex and hookups. And he was extremely careless about his computer. (That's an entirely different story). The most you can do is set your boundaries. Tell him when he does x,y and z, you feel hurt, disrespected, unloved-however you want to phrase it. He either changes his behavior or he doesn't. My ex also had significant mental/emotional issues. Is your H depressed?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Understanding precedes responding or taking actions.

You must UNDERSTAND the problem first. 

Please go to book store, online, or whatever and buy 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work - by John Gottman

Read the chapter on the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse and principle 3 - Turn toward each other instead of away.

This is what Gottman Says: 

"Gottman’s own scientific research revealed that JOing to pornographic images results in the secretion of oxytocin and vasopressin, hormones linked to attachment and emotional connection. This discovery points to perhaps the most significant factor about porn use: its impact on personal relationships." Further, "The implication is clear: The most devastating effects of porn-use are more emotional than physical and more relational than personal"

My point is UNDERSTAND the problem before you throw the white flag up.


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Cvan, my ex was a serial cheater and towards the end of the marriage is porn use did switch to cybersex and hookups. And he was extremely careless about his computer. (That's an entirely different story). The most you can do is set your boundaries. Tell him when he does x,y and z, you feel hurt, disrespected, unloved-however you want to phrase it. He either changes his behavior or he doesn't. My ex also had significant mental/emotional issues. Is your H depressed?


Oh, there are issues, alright...mental/emotional/sexual...what a piece of work this man is - he knows my boundaries, he's just selfish and stupid, i guess, since he doesn't care to respect them. I see escalating behaviour happening or about to happen. I suppose I should have just ended this relationship when I first found out, but at that time, I thought to myself, "who ends a relationship over some harmless porn?".

What I'm saying is I've already done all you've suggested, the only thing I haven't done, is leave. I guess that's all there is left to do, since f*ck all else works. Thank you all for your input.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Leaving him will have two outcomes:

1. It will shake him out of the porn fog he is in and he will realize he has to make a effort to want to change 

2. He will become defensive and hold you in contempt and let you leave (in which case your probably better off)

Good luck!


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

Or 3. Not even notice I'm gone until 3 weeks later when there are no groceries, cleaning hasn't been done, etc.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

cvan said:


> Or 3. Not even notice I'm gone until 3 weeks later when there are no groceries, cleaning hasn't been done, etc.


Sad but true


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

cvan said:


> Oh, there are issues, alright...mental/emotional/sexual...what a piece of work this man is - he knows my boundaries, he's just selfish and stupid, i guess, since he doesn't care to respect them. I see escalating behaviour happening or about to happen. I suppose I should have just ended this relationship when I first found out, but at that time, I thought to myself, "who ends a relationship over some harmless porn?".
> 
> What I'm saying is I've already done all you've suggested, the only thing I haven't done, is leave. I guess that's all there is left to do, since f*ck all else works. Thank you all for your input.


You learned the hard way like a lot of people do... Porn isn't harmless when it's consumed in this manner. 

If you set boundaries and he broke them, we're there any consequences for them? If there weren't, they aren't really boundaries. You have to enforce them and SHOW him you won't take that disrespect from him. He's at the point that he doesn't respect you and he totally disregards your feelings. What are you holding on to?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I begged, pleaded, cried and yelled for my husband to stop looking at porn. I did so for close to 8 years.

I told him how much it hurt me, how it damaged our relationship, how it felt like cheating because he would lie about it and hide it even though he knew it was killing my self esteem, the way I looked at myself sexually, etc. 

It NEVER stopped. He still does it, he is just better at hiding it. I finally gave up.

And porn definitely escalates. My husband thinks when we have sex, he has to emulate what they do in movies. My husband doesn't "make love", never has. Our sex is porn sex. 

My husband escalated to putting a camera in the bathroom when I was showering and hiding a webcam that goes straight to his phone in our bedroom. 

I have also come across several "cam sites" and I know damn well my husband has had cybersex through a webcam more times than I know. I don't have a smoking gun, but you don't go to cam sites for no reason.

My husband looks at several porn sites, has memberships to a few, looks at magazines, Worldstar Uncut, etc. 

One time years ago I ordered two DVDs for us to view together. I figured if he was doing it, we could do it together.

I had them for about 3 days before I was ready to approach the subject, they were in my underwear drawer.

I went upstairs to get them, we were home alone, I thought this was "the time".

I opened my underwear drawer to find he had already opened and watched them when I wasn't home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

there is such a thing called Porn Creep. that's the tendancy to become more attracted to porn and the fantasy's you chase rather than real world sexual encounters. Considering the tendancy for deviancy to increase the more you watch porn due to becoming sensitized to imagery then you end up in full blown Porn addiction. Your best bet is to try to cut him off, see if he is open to it, and see if he will stop masturbating too. He may suffer some mood swings for awhile but after about 30 days his brain should be back to somewhat normal.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> If you are about to click on a button and a popup suddenly appears it can mean you accidentally click on it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


also there were a bunch of ... basically STD ... suppliers.
Go on to one average sounding page, and then pop-ups, opaque-links, multiple site pop-ups, zero-res gif/jpgs. background downloads.

one site I hit open like 20 other pages...one of which opened the original site...crashing computer. problem was closing the site opened a dialog box, and there is no guarantee that the code is written to do what it says on the button , so "close" can just as easily be linked to a dozen "download pervy sites and ransomware/keyloggers"


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

spot you have adware on your pc


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

The thing about porn sites especially the "free ones" is who hosts those sites. Most of those servers sit in countries were extradition and there fore punishment for hacking is severly lax. Every video you watch you are downloading stuff from someone you don't know who could easily find a way to exploit your pc's vulnerabilities.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

badbane said:


> The thing about porn sites especially the "free ones" is who hosts those sites. Most of those servers sit in countries were extradition and there fore punishment for hacking is severly lax. Every video you watch you are downloading stuff from someone you don't know who could easily find a way to exploit your pc's vulnerabilities.


My husband essentially destroyed a computer from viruses from porn sites.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

I spoke to him about my recent discoveries. I spoke to him calmly, directly, and informed him that if the porn use was now escalating to 'teen' stuff and sexting, I would be asking for a divorce. He says he is not 'sexting'. His reaction was calm and reassuring - not flying off the handle, denying it all, etc. Maintains that as far as porn goes, he's pretty 'mainstream', nothing violent, or hard core. Judging by the way we've had sex in the past, very easy to believe this - he doesn't and never has tried to have 'porn sex' with me. If anything, I was always the 'pornier' one, but now that we're virtually sexless...well, you know.

So. Boundaries. He says he knows his behaviour is destroying our marriage (it is, but in a numbing, throw up your hands in defeat sort of way). He says he wants to stop (heard that before) I doubt the porn will ever stop - but the sex starvation has to, and I honestly don't know where to start, because at this point, after so long, I'm just losing interest in having sex with him myself. This seems like such a ridiculous thing to divorce over, when I stop and think of it, but I don't know what else to do. Stick needles in his balls the next time I catch him? Tell him I will expose his actions to his grown kids? What the heck am I supposed to do? I feel so stuck. This is all just so ridiculous, and i can't even believe I'm dealing with it...


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

badbane said:


> there is such a thing called Porn Creep. that's the tendancy to become more attracted to porn and the fantasy's you chase rather than real world sexual encounters. Considering the tendancy for deviancy to increase the more you watch porn due to becoming sensitized to imagery then you end up in full blown Porn addiction. Your best bet is to try to cut him off, see if he is open to it, and see if he will stop masturbating too. He may suffer some mood swings for awhile but after about 30 days his brain should be back to somewhat normal.


Cut him off from what, porn? How? I would have to quit my job, stop going out, and take up babysitting full time...

While we were discussing, last night, I actually laughed at him, and how ridiculous this whole situation is. He intimated that part of the thrill is the possibility of being caught. Caught? You aren't getting 'caught' I told him, since I already know what you are doing! Jeezus! I feel like I'm in a circus.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ask him to go cold turkey on the porn for 30 days. See what he says.

His answer will tell you what you need to do.

You're what, 45? Do you really want to spend the next several years of your life -- or the REST of your life -- like this?


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

Gus, I have no doubt in my mind that he will readily agree to go the 30 days. He wants to fix this. But like I said, I can't babysit him. Am I supposed to monitor him? Ask him daily? What's the best approach in your opinion.

No. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I also don't relish the thought of starting over again. I don't mean with another man, I just mean in life, moving, etc. I think that since I married this one, I'd actually like to try and make it work. I think he would, too. But even if he agrees to the 30 days - then what? I don't want to spend the rest of my days policing him...


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Babygirl,, that porn addiction is powerful,, understand that !!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cvan said:


> Gus, I have no doubt in my mind that he will readily agree to go the 30 days. He wants to fix this. But like I said, I can't babysit him. Am I supposed to monitor him? Ask him daily? What's the best approach in your opinion.
> 
> No. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I also don't relish the thought of starting over again. I don't mean with another man, I just mean in life, moving, etc. I think that since I married this one, I'd actually like to try and make it work. I think he would, too. But even if he agrees to the 30 days - then what? I don't want to spend the rest of my days policing him...


Honestly, it depends on how far you want to take it. For example, you could...

1. Ditch his smartphone and get a simple flip phone.

2. Confiscate any laptops, tablets, etc.

3. Move any desktop computers to common areas, install something like Net Nanny (a quick Google search shows that they now offer a product called "iOS Porn Blocker", BTW), then restrict Internet access to specific times via MAC filtering on your router. And, obviously, change the password on your router.

Aside from that, perhaps consider marital counseling or individual counseling for him, and probably w/ a counselor that specializes in sex/pornography addiction.

ETA:

4. Sign up for a free OpenDNS account, configure your router to use their servers (instead of your ISP's DNS servers), and then configure your OpenDNS account to restrict access to pornography.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think it's a simple addiction. It's hard to stop. He's not spitting in your face and disliking your power. 

Realize he has got to WANT to break it, or he won't. He has to see that if he gives in to his urge to look just once, he'll be in it all at over again. 

I wish I had an answer to how to do it. I have never been addicted to it, but I've looked and understand the urge to look at it. It had nothing to do with my ex and I never found her less attractive. I stopped because I knew it wasn't good for me, was wrong, and against my beliefs. I found that it desensitizes a person and quits doing anything for me after a few days of it. I've read an addict needs crazier and crazier stuff to get the same effect from it. 

My point is, even if he wants to stop, it will be hard, and he'll need help.

I hope you will both try to rid your marriage of that stuff, and have no doubt your marriage will be better once it's gone.

It will be such a shame for him to lose you over this, and you him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I may have missed this, but what does he say about the connection between his porn habit and the sexlessness of your M?


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

intheory said:


> D1C said:
> 
> 
> > Honest question, why do you allow that?
> ...



Then don't accept it. You don't have to babysit anyone. 

It's the same as being a drunk, or a gambler, or a druggie. If my wife is a drug addict, she will no longer be my wife. If she's gambling all our money away and I can't pay bills... Im the dummy for staying and accepting that. Etc... 

They are going to do what they want..... But I don't have to be present and they won't have their family with them. My life is to precious to me. I don't have time for the bs and nonsense. 


"what am I supposed to do? Babysit them? " no, you move on with your life and let them destroy themselves and not you too

Most folks are too scared to make that move.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Let's see. With my husband I would confront. Then confront again. Then confront again.

Then cry.

I put passwords on the computer.

I used key loggers and spy software.

I begged.

I pleaded.

I tried to buy porn to watch together. We DID watch it together a couple of times. He had zero interest in that.

I put parental controls on the computer.

At the time, we had a desktop. I would put the tower in my trunk whenever I would leave so if he was home alone he couldn't watch it. 

I confronted some more.

I cried some more.

I told him how I felt. How much it hurt me.

We would watch a regular movie and if there was a topless scene he would yell out "yayyy boobies!" Which would make me burst into tears - because seriously, you know I'm incredibly insecure at hurt by your need to look at other women so your answer is to tell out yayyy boobies.....super respectful bro. 

I confronted.

I cried.

I used guilt trips. "That's someone's daughter, would you want your daughter doing that" or "these girls that do this are generally on drugs or have serious issues to be doing this"

I confronted.

I cried.

I threatened. I screamed. I said if it continued I wanted a divorce. 

He never stopped. He continued to do it and just got better at hiding it.

He STILL looks at it. 10 years and a whole lotta hurt later.....he's never stopped. Never even tried.

What are you going to do if your situation is the same??

Will you leave? Or will you just give up what matters to you and accept it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

intheory said:


> Good point, alte Dame,
> 
> @cvan
> 
> ...


He is definitely intimidated sexually...I have had more experience, more partners, more everything, really...he spent nearly 20 years with his first wife, who he claims never really liked sex. So he retreated to the basement to take care of himself! 

The good news is that we're talking about this. There is no crying, no threatening, no fighting. I asked him if he wanted to work on this, and he said yes. I suggested the 30 day thing, of him giving up, he agreed to do that too. We will not be having sex during the 30 days either (hopefully that helps me bounce back to actually WANTING sex with him!). After the 30 day period, we are going to start trying to rekindle our mutual sex life together.

The worst part of all this for me was that he pretty much ended my sex life for me - if I were sexless by choice, that would be a different story, but the fact that he chose to freeze me out, and mutually exclude me from his 'sex' life, really pisses me off. I never got a choice.

I have told him that all of this is grounds to end the marriage, and that I will do so, if things don't improve. I told him that I will end up simply hating him (if things continue like this), and neither of us seems to want that. Hopefully, we're on the right track.


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> I may have missed this, but what does he say about the connection between his porn habit and the sexlessness of your M?


He doesn't even clue in to the fact that our marriage is sexless - because of course he thinks he's having all kinds of sex (by using porn). It's ridiculous.

He does seem to realize that his habit is damaging, although, early on, he assumed that I was just 'jealous'. He is embarassed by this and by all things sexual, IE, can't even talk about sex without clamming up and going beat red. His mother shamed him as a pre-teen, for looking at mags - told him women didn't like sex! Thanks a lot, lady! SMFH....then he went and married a woman who DIDN'T like sex! I'm frigging doomed, aren't I?


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

He needs a sex therapist asap.... And counseling also.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Porn is a true addiction. My husband has it as well. You have to decide how much of it he can control and how much of it you can live with.

My husband will watch porn instead of having sex because it's "easier." I've gotten rejected for sex before, gone to bed, and a half hour later got up to get a drink of water only to catch him at the computer watching porn. Very frustrating.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice other than you need to evaluate if you can live like this forever. He sounds like he has an extreme addiction, which I would see about addict counseling, however you state you've tried everything. If that is the case then you might just have to rug sweep and stay with him, or leave him and build a new life.

I've chosen to stay with my husband but his addiction isn't as strong. He's able to step away from it when I am home, as far as I know. And we did separate before which opened his eyes up. Excessive porn use can also lead to affairs. So I understand why you are concerned.


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

lisamaree said:


> Porn is a true addiction. My husband has it as well. You have to decide how much of it he can control and how much of it you can live with.
> 
> My husband will watch porn instead of having sex because it's "easier." I've gotten rejected for sex before, gone to bed, and a half hour later got up to get a drink of water only to catch him at the computer watching porn. Very frustrating.
> 
> ...


This. This is why I posted. When I saw that snap-sext thingie on his phone, I freaked. Anyways, he says he's not sexting, and I believe it - but yes, definitely do worry about escalation.

As you know, pornography is one thing, affairs are another story.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

According to who you talk to, porn can lead to a lot of things. Or it can lead to nothing but spanking the monkey.

I feel all of that completely depends on the individual.

My old babysitter was at home one day when she heard a knock on the door. She opened it to the FBI on her step.

They came in, confiscated her computer and all electronics abc arrested her husband of 23 years.

She has not seen or spoken to him since. 

He is in prison for 18 years.

He was a key player caught in the Operation Kingdom Conquerer bust on child pornography back in early 2014. 

She was clueless about his activities but swears to this day that his casual porn usage escalated to the use, distribution and filming of child pornography.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HeartRN (Dec 8, 2015)

HiRoad said:


> Understanding precedes responding or taking actions.
> 
> You must UNDERSTAND the problem first.
> 
> ...





I fully agree with this. It's not always easy to understand your spouse & his needs but it should mater that their feelings & views are important enough for you to want to try to understand without using judgement, name calling, or the expectations that your spouse should think the way you do. You both are different & if you both truly are interested in what makes the other tick then listen with the intention to learn more about your spouse, not to try to change how they feel or think but to find some understanding why certain behaviors take place and how they feel about it. Without judgement, without name calling, with your only objective is to try to understand and to be understood calmly. Remember this is the person you married through good and bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HeartRN (Dec 8, 2015)

Cvan, Have you had a talk with your H about how he feels things are going in your marriage? Maybe do a marriage reflection together? What works well, what doesnt, and how you both would like to see your marriage look like years from now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

cvan said:


> As you know, pornography is one thing, affairs are another story.


To a significant number of sheltered women, pornography is an affair... as is _anything_ that takes their partners attention off them for a moment.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

spotthedeaddog said:


> To a significant number of sheltered women, pornography is an affair... as is _anything_ that takes their partners attention off them for a moment.


Even if that is true, it has no bearing on the OP or this thread. 

When a man turns down his wife for sex, but uses porn, that is (rightly!!!!) a deal breaker for a lot of wives. 

Besides, every couple should set their own boundaries to define what constitutes infidelity or dealbreakers regardless of what outsiders think of said boundaries...

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> To a significant number of sheltered women, pornography is an affair... as is _anything_ that takes their partners attention off them for a moment.


Porn in and of itself is not an affair. But porn can FEEL like an affair when the usage becomes obsessive, secretive and continually against the other spouses wishes. 

In that case it IS a betrayal and can very much feel like porn is "the other woman"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cvan (Dec 29, 2015)

HeartRN said:


> Cvan, Have you had a talk with your H about how he feels things are going in your marriage? Maybe do a marriage reflection together? What works well, what doesnt, and how you both would like to see your marriages look like years from now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's just the thing, we talk all the time about our relationship and our future. What we both want. I have no complaints other than the sexless due to porn! I believe, as others have suggested, that he needs a sex therapist. This is his problem, not mine. Although the ramifications are definitely shared!

He has committed to 30 days without porn followed by the pair of us trying to rebuild our sex life - I can do nothing now but wait to see how that goes, and work from there. 

What's hard is that I don't trust him anymore. I don't like that!


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