# Boyfriend downloading Hentai and more



## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

So, today I get on his pc and while trying to retrieve something in the trash bin, a file called "Battle raper" catches my eye. I google it and it turns out it's an erotic fighting game. He must have not found it good 
Then in the bookmarks I find a link for some hentai comic. It baffles me that he left it there, knowing I have access to his pc. 
I previously found porn videos with trannies on his pc a couple of years ago but didn't mention anything and hentai. I think he ended up deleting them.
I also found out, in October last year, he was replying to ads on Craigslist and sending pictures of his penis to these trannies and crossdressers. I confronted him about that and he admitted everything straightaway and said he knew he did something stupid, that people on there are all fake and he just wanted to be liked by somebody else. He said he wasn't going to do anything with them. I knew he didn't physically cheat on me because he is either at work or with me. I forgave him. 
Do I confront him about these new discoveries?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Dont 'confront' him about it if you want him to talk to you about his hentai activities. 'Talk' to him about it in a non threatening, non-confrontational way. The craigslist thing is kind of out there to me though, and I would drop the bomb on that.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

Yeah, I was gonna ask him something like "Are you downloading Hentai?", but I didn't in the end. 
We already talked about that and I also promised not to bring it up again as I said I was forgiving him. 
I don't understand why he is looking at this stuff when we have a good sex life. It's making me think he is not satisfied but he always says he is.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

its silly to ask 'are you downloading hentai' when you already know he did, thats just a game.

Instead tell him that you know he did and you want to talk about it. Say what you feel about it. ask him what he feels about it.
dont promise not to talk about stuff, you will just end up resentful.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

I meant "Are you downloading Hentai" kinda like a rhetorical question. He'd obviously understand I know he is (because why would I ask him otherwise?). I just thought that wasn't an approach too confrontational. It's hard for me to ask him in a nice way because this stuff makes my bloid boil.
I appreciate your advice.
My fear is that he will just go and do it again and hide it better. I feel like I have to constantly spy on him because yes, I don't trust him and he proved to me I was right when I felt like I had to snoop.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Is he an adult? is there some reason why he is not allowed to look at porn? Is there a prior agreement in which he gives you final say so over material deemed appropriate or not appropriate?


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

Of course he is an adult, he's almost 34. He knows I don't like it when he looks at porn and frankly after that Craigslist incident (I'd like to remark he emailed pictures of his penis and of him masturbating in front of these other women's pictures, describing what he wanted to do with them etc and talking as though he really wanted to meet up) it does bother me that he goes and looks at porn, hentai etc and plays a game like that about this fantasy of raping. Can you blame me for that after what he did?
I know he is sort of prone to straying for lack of self-esteem so I started snooping and I keep finding stuff like this, which doesn't make me trust him more.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

in_disbelief said:


> Of course he is an adult, he's almost 34. He knows I don't like it when he looks at porn and frankly after that Craigslist incident (I'd like to remark he emailed pictures of his penis and of him masturbating in front of these other women's pictures, describing what he wanted to do with them etc and talking as though he really wanted to meet up) it does bother me that he goes and looks at porn, hentai etc and plays a game like that about this fantasy of raping. Can you blame me for that after what he did?
> I know he is sort of prone to straying for lack of self-esteem so I started snooping and I keep finding stuff like this, which doesn't make me trust him more.


Then your issue isn't hentai...it's him, and his lack of boundaries. But, far too often, it's easier to focus on the hot-button symptom.

Addressing a sneeze alone won't cure the flu. Address the issues of his boundaries...treat the flu, not just the sneeze.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I agree with the previous poster, though I would phrase it as the real issue being that he continues with behavior that not respect your boundaries. That's where the problem lies.

A nice, simple reinforcement of your boundaries in a calm talk is in order. "I will not stay in a relationship with someone who does these things." Or something similar.

The opposite of this is conflict avoidance, and that never ends up well.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

My problem is not the hentai, it could have been any other kind of porn; it's the fact he looks for sexual gratification elsewhere and I feel like I am not good enough. 
I'll admit I was disturbed by the fact he was emailing trannies and crossdressers, when he is supposedly heterosexual and very much so. I should have confronted him about that but I left it. I do wonder what this fascination he has means.
Yes, it's the lack of boundaries and the fact that he knows I view it as a pretty disrespectful thing but he keeps doing it. I am sure he goes for months when he doesn't look at porn but then he will do it and he's not even good at hiding it! I honestly stumbled upon this last stuff by chance, without looking for it. 
What makes me laugh is that when we talk about it, he says porn is bad, it's boring bla bla bla but he still looks at it and he thinks I don't know. It's like he believes he's smarter than me. 
I wish he wouldn't lie like that.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Why wouldn't he lie like this when he knows you aren't going to actually create a boundary?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Maybe he has really kinky fantasies? Maybe he just gets his jollies with violent sex fantasies? Maybe he has a kink for circle jerks? None of those things prevent him being a loving husband, nor do they qualify as affairs.

The point I'm making is, like Grayson suggested, stop focusing on porn and start focusing on his wants (sex kinks) and needs. Does his porn viewing prevent him from being intimate with you? Does it keep him from wanting to be intimate with you? If yes, then you have a different problem with him called intimacy avoidance via porn. If not, then your problem is actually your disapproval of his kinks. And that will also drive a wedge between you two because you are in effect being disapproving of him and the person he is. I like ketchup, some people like mustard and others like both, it's really that simple.

Try to have a non judgmental open conversation in which you gently explore his sexual fantasies, thoughts and desires.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Try to have a non judgmental open conversation in which you gently explore his sexual fantasies, thoughts and desires."


I don't know...I mean, he has already sent peen pics to cross dressers on craigslist. Do you really think he is just having simple sexual fantasies? I'm guessing he has already been unfaithful numerous times, and he knows how to hide it.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

I am sure he has just emailed them and hasn't actually cheated on me ever. As I said, he is either with me or at work, so I don't have doubts about that really. 
No, he is intimate with me and these last days he wanted it more than once a day. He must have downloaded that game and boomarked that hentai comic website maybe 3 days ago, I don't remember the date on the file in the trash bin now. He must have done all that when I was asleep.
He does like to treat me like his slvt during sex, so it's not difficult to see why he is attracted to porn. He likes me to act like the women on porn videos. Anyway, I am open-minded and don't judge him, in fact I have always done anything with him. My problem is more this: why does he look at them, when I can do just about the same stuff (more or less) and for real with him?. 
The porn is not an affair but what he did on Craigslist was emotional cheating in my book and we weren't having much sex in the period when he was sending these emails, now that I think of it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sweetie, it is sad that you actually believe that.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

in_disbelief said:


> . Anyway, I am open-minded and don't judge him, in fact I have always done anything with him. My problem is more this: why does he look at them, when I can do just about the same stuff (more or less) and for real with him?.
> The porn is not an affair but what he did on Craigslist was emotional cheating in my book and we weren't having much sex in the period when he was sending these emails, now that I think of it.


Okay...I don't care about the hentai stuff. Not at all. You two are intimate, he isn't hurting you, and he is even being respectful enough not to throw this stuff in your face.

Unless you can grow ankle length purple hair and have a 34GG rack, no, you can't be everything to him. There are sexual kinks that you obviously are NOT open minded about, such as she male rape scenes. Eh. To each his own.

NOW the Craigslist thing IS a problem. Is it a past problem, or is it still an issue now? 

Frankly, your attitude has provided a problem in itself. He no longer trusts you to be open and free with what his sexual kinks are, so he hides them. Since you two can't come to a compromise, his sexuality spirals into some pretty weird corners.

So no, he shouldn't be sending pictures to breathing people. Unless your sex life or affection slacks off, there is no problem except if this is a deal breaker for you. If you don't want to be with a guy like that, it's fine. Dump him. But the fact that you don't like it doesn't make it an addiction or a mental aberration.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This whole story lacks something to focus on and I am so confused!

1 Couple of years ago you found tranny porn on his PC.
2. Last October, you discovered he was replying to adds on Craig's list, by sending peenie pics to trannies and cross dressers. "he admitted, said people on there were all fake and just wanted someone else to like him."
" him masturbating in front of these other women's pictures, describing what he wanted to do with them etc and talking as though he really wanted to meet up)"

So your man has fantasies that call for equipment you don't have.. A penis. Doesn't mean he's gay, just means he has a kink or fetish for "shemales." 



> He does like to treat me like his slvt during sex, so it's not difficult to see why he is attracted to porn. He likes me to act like the women on porn videos. Anyway, I am open-minded and don't judge him, in fact I have always done anything with him. My problem is more this: why does he look at them, when I can do just about the same stuff (more or less) and for real with him?.


Why does any man like to look at porn when he has a hot willing wife? There is no answer to that other than he likes it. 



> The porn is not an affair but what he did on Craigslist was emotional cheating in my book and we weren't having much sex in the period when he was sending these emails, now that I think of it.


I disagree about it being cheating but those are your boundaries so that's fine. he stopped doing the Craig's list thing and has been bringing his fantasies to you, that's good right?





> I know he is sort of prone to straying for lack of self-esteem so I started snooping and I keep finding stuff like this, which doesn't make me trust him more.


Straying has nothing to do with self esteem and everything to do with impulse control, emotional and sexual need fulfillment, and boundaries.

You have 3 different issues.

1. Is your man allowed to look at porn or not? If so, which types of porn, how often? If not, why not?

2. Is your man allowed to engage in sexual banter with various people on line? 

3. How EXACTLY do you define cheating? Can he life within your boundaries? Are your boundaries negotiable?

Only you can answer those questions and only he can decide if he really and truly can live within your preset boundaries. Keep in mind, a fetish, such as shemale/trannie porn, is not going to go away but will only go way underground unless you can come up with some limits and boundaries regarding indulging that fetish.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "Try to have a non judgmental open conversation in which you gently explore his sexual fantasies, thoughts and desires."
> 
> 
> I don't know...I mean, he has already sent peen pics to cross dressers on craigslist. Do you really think he is just having simple sexual fantasies? I'm guessing he has already been unfaithful numerous times, and he knows how to hide it.


Yes, I totally think he's just getting his kink on.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

in_disbelief said:


> Yeah, I was gonna ask him something like "Are you downloading Hentai?", but I didn't in the end.
> We already talked about that and I also promised not to bring it up again as I said I was forgiving him.
> I don't understand why he is looking at this stuff when we have a good sex life. It's making me think he is not satisfied but he always says he is.


I think you need to re-look at what exactly you were forgiving him for, and what needs to be forgiven...

I agree with most of others here, him looking at hentai, or playing erotic video games, or having fantasies of whatever is choices he makes because they are things of interest of him. They are not outside of his boundaries, obviously, and nor does this have to be outside of marital boundaries, but it may be outside of yours.

Communicating with other people on craigslist or by email for sexual gratification, especially if there mutuality, is in my opinion well past the boundaries of marriage. This is the part that I would find most difficult to overcome, because it is clear that by doing this he is not able to respect that marital boundary.

As for your own boundary, I would suggest that what goes through a man's mind is not correlated to the love and respect he can have for his wife, and any gratification he gets in your absence should be tolerated so long as no other than you or him is getting the benefit of his affection. So consider moving your goalposts a little closer to his, and hopefully he can move his goalposts a little closer to yours you can find yourselves on a more intimate playing field.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

Just to clarify, he wasn't viewing shemale rape scenes. The tranny porn he watched (I mean the video I found on his pc once) had pretty standard scenes. 
This game he downloaded is about the player having sex with girls. It appears it is consensual sex but there is a rape scene (with a girl). 
It's not the type of porn that bothers me (apart from trannies yes);it's the fact that after I caught him doing that on Craigslist, he is doing something that he knows I wouldn't want him to do behind my back again. 
When I asked him about those emails and pictures he said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again and so far I haven't found anything like it again, but this looking for sex material makes me think he might take a step further and begin to go on Craigslist (which he was doing on his phone at work as well) or similar websites again. 
I said it is because of self-esteem issues (answering the ads) as he himself said he did that because he wanted to be liked by somebody else other than me, to feel attractive for someone else. The porn obviously doesn't have anything to do with lack of self-esteem.
He's not bringing his fantasies to me now, he's always been like that with me.
I never said any of the stuff he watches or plays constitutes a mental aberration. He is free to be somehow fascinated by shemales but that hurts me as I feel like I can't compete with them like with another woman. 

I decided I will put up with the porn, since it's not harming our relationship for now but I am not gonna put up with dirty emails, chats or pictures. I forgave once but if it happens again I am sure I will start to go off him.
Sexual interaction of any kind with other people is a big no for me. If I had been replying to sex adverts and he'd found out, he would have kicked me out without a second thought. He said it himself as well.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

in_disbelief said:


> My fear is that he will just go and do it again and hide it better. I feel like I have to constantly spy on him because yes, I don't trust him and he proved to me I was right when I felt like I had to snoop.


And the cycle begins yet again.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

in_disbelief,

First of all I'm sorry to hear about your situation. To be honest with you while all of us have a kinky side, you want your partner's sexual identity and boundaries to be as close to yours as possible. During my younger years I remember messing around with people that had some weird kinky fetishes but once it became uncomfortable it was done. You date these people, you don't marry them. 

It really comes down to your own personal tolerance and you need to fully understand the long term consequences of marrying somebody with sexual dysfunction, poor boundaries or AKA "freak". 
Your husband from your post looks like he gets turned on by images of trannies and other non-traditional forms of erotica. If he has responded to ads on Craigslist its reasonable to assume that he has had some sort of encounter or will end up in an encounter to satisfy his curiosity/fetish. Its just a matter of time. 

Now where does that leave you in this whole equation? In a very potentially life threating situation and at the very least emotionally damaging. If your husband is having random encounters with transvestites, there is a higher statistical chance of you contracting an STD or even worse (AIDS) if you continue to have unprotected sex with him. 

Basically what I am saying is that you need to protect yourself. Try to sit down with the husband and ask him if he has homosexual tendencies and that you won't judge him. If he admits to then you need to make some decisions. Try not to immediately judge. I personally would divorce if my partner told me that they were bi or had lesbian tendencies. I like my women to know what they want sexually and not be "confused". They should have figured that out as a teenager and before getting married. 

I want to make it clear that I have no bias against the GLBT community but if somebody has bi tendencies or just in the closet then they need to disclose this so their partner can make some decisions on the future of the relationship.


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