# Need Help !!!!



## Advaita_2001 (Dec 18, 2013)

Dear All,

I’m married to a nice young lady. She’s sweet, honest and very simple. The only thing about our marriage is this is an arranged marriage, we met through family, while I was visiting my home town in India and we decided to get engaged. We tried communicating through emails and phones but I knew there was something missing. In any case we decided to tie the knot after being engaged for 1 year, but there is certainly something that’s missing in our relationship. I don’t feel the passion for her at all, she’s not what I call as ‘my type’, and when I keep asking her why she wanted to marry me and according to her, she fell in love with me which I still don’t understand. I keep hurting her when I tell her that this marriage was mostly a very practical approach but she’s fine with it, and feel that love will happen. I don’t know how.She seemed nice enough in the beginning but once we got married I realised she was totally not the kind of wife I wanted. She's very nice and sweet etc but just doesnt float my boat. I can honestly say I dont enjoy her company in or outside the bedroom.We got to church but whereas I am more of a committed Christian she just goes to church on a Sunday.Im 31 and she is 25.When we met I was not a virgin and I think she is a virgin.I am now realising that I feel more attracted to caucasian women.
Should I have gotten married to someone who loves me more than I do. I have started taken her for granted and she knows that too. Please help me. I dont want to ruin our marriage but what i’m feeling is wrong , is there something wrong when I don’t feel the passion for her. ??

Sebby


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

What was your expectation when you agreed to an arranged marriage? How is this different?


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## Advaita_2001 (Dec 18, 2013)

Hi Norajane,

I agreed to Marry her because she seemed a nice girl and my parents liked her. We did not get to spend a lot of time together after the engagement as we lived on different continents and so lot of our connecting was via Skype and email. In hindsight I think that's where I made a mistake of not getting to know her enough and see what our chemistry was like.

Regards
Sebby


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It is what it is. Many of us wouldn't consider an arranged marriage, yet it's popular with a significant portion of the worlds population. The real question is, what do you want to do about your situation? 

C


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Advaita_2001 said:


> Hi Norajane,
> 
> I agreed to Marry her because she seemed a nice girl and my parents liked her. We did not get to spend a lot of time together after the engagement as we lived on different continents and so lot of our connecting was via Skype and email. In hindsight I think that's where I made a mistake of not getting to know her enough and see what our chemistry was like.
> 
> ...


So at the time you decided to get married, you didn't think chemistry was important enough to consider. But now you do? 

Do you think love can grow? Would that be enough for you? If not, then it sounds like arranged marriage is not for you.


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## Advaita_2001 (Dec 18, 2013)

Well maybe love can grow I don't know but quite frankly this marriage is making me unhappy every single day. I don't think it's a healthy situation when every time I look at her I think there goes the mistake I made...


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## Advaita_2001 (Dec 18, 2013)

Thanks for your thoughts PBear. I think it's better for both of us to reconsider this marriage. I am deeply unhappy and I end up making her feel unhappy..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Advaita_2001 said:


> Thanks for your thoughts PBear. I think it's better for both of us to reconsider this marriage. I am deeply unhappy and I end up making her feel unhappy..


I guess that's the answer about what you want to do about it, then... But don't try to justify it by saying it's better "for both of you". Do what's right for you. She's probably not going to see it as "best for her", and is only going to be hurt worse if you try to justify it to her that way.

And for the love of god, do it before you have kids!

Oh, and you really need to grow up and figure out what you want. Personally, I don't have much respect for people who whine and complain after letting their families make important decisions for them. You might be a great guy, but your "taking the easy way out" has hurt and will hurt a lot of (most likely) good people. Your wife in particular, as I expect that she will have trouble finding a "good" husband, after losing her virginity and the stigma of a divorce.

C


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

I am going to turn the tables. I am a male. If I found out that my fiance was really more into other ethnic groups besides mine, I would be crushed. It has NOTHING to do with tolerance; people are attracted to what they are attracted to and should not be ashamed of it. It can't be helped. Regardless, I would be crushed. How would YOU feel if you found out that she was more turned on by other ethnic groups? Is this really fair to either of you?


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## Lanister0 (Dec 17, 2013)

I don't know what you were expecting from an arranged marriage.
Seems like you got exactly what you signed up for. 
I'm sure she doesn't love you either she's just trained to say that. 
It's not fair to her or your future children to stay with her. She deserves someone who loves, respects, and is attracted to her.
So either fake it and be a good husband, or divorce her. 
And next time be a man and chose the woman you want, not the one mommy wants you to marry.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Advaita_2001 said:


> Well maybe love can grow I don't know but quite frankly this marriage is making me unhappy every single day. I don't think it's a healthy situation when every time I look at her I think there goes the mistake I made...


What kinds of things do you talk about? What things do you do together?


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## Advaita_2001 (Dec 18, 2013)

Hardly anything....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, then, you can't expect to be excited about her, can you?

You are the one with the problem, so it behooves you to change things. At least TRY before you just throw your marriage away. Make it a point to talk at least 15 minutes a day, for now, by asking her about herself, her childhood, her favorite memories, her dreams, bad things...get to know her.


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## pms (Dec 30, 2013)

I agree with turnera. Get to know her. Talk to her. Take her out on dates. Spend time together. Hold hands. Teach her things that you know and learn things from her; I mean worldly things. You may find out that you have more in common than you think.


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## sgreenberg (Jul 9, 2013)

How about marriage counseling? The above advice is also very good - I mean, make a go of it - become friends, find common interests, be affectionate and kind to one another. Love can definitely grow from that.


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