# Tricky Situation



## coneym (Mar 17, 2011)

On December 15 of last year, I was laid off from my job of 10 years. 1 week later, 2 days before Christmas, I found out that my wife had been having an affair with one of her co-workers.

The affair had started in August with a kiss here and some hand holding there, and culminated in sex between the two in November. My wife and the OP had been working together closely for several years so I knew they had a working relationship, but obviously didn't know it was anything more until I found an email that spelled things out for me. 

According to my wife the sexual part of the relationship ended after their first and only overnight encounter. She said they both agreed that that was not what they wanted from the relationship, and decided they needed to call things off. She insists nothing else sexual happened between then and when I found out. 

After some serious discussions we both decided we are committed to our marriage, and have since started counseling. Things are going pretty well, but we have one sticking point that I'm not sure how to handle: The fact that the two of them still work together, and talk on occasion. 

When I first found out I told her there was absolutely no way she could have any further contact with him. The only solution we could think of at the time was for her to quit her job and find something new. Well, if you remember, I'm unemployed, and jobs aren't quite a dime-a-dozen these days. Her professional field is quite specific, so finding something new is going to require time, and most likely a move from where we currently live. 

Given these circumstances, I put on a brave face and told her I would just have to buck up and deal with them working together. The one good thing is that they don't actually work in the same office, but they did talk on the phone often, and did programs together at least once a month. 

She was keeping up her end of the bargain and actually hadn't talked to him for about a month. However, when she did first talk to him again about an upcoming progran via instant messenger, she told him she "missed him". When I found that I was furious and pretty much told her she needed to choose him or me. Thankfully she chose me.

That next week she told him all personal communication had to stop. He said he understood, and actually pulled himself off of the project they were working on so they wouldn't see each other as much. However just today, he called her again to talk about things that weren't exactly related to their working relationship. I'm really worried that he's missing their friendship as much as she is, and wants to try to get that part of their relationship back. 

I'm not sure what to do. I do trust my wife, believe it or not, in that she is committed to our relationship and won't stray back to him physically. But I definitely don't trust the OP at all, and am concerned that he's going to continue calling about non-work related things. I'm trying not to get angry with my wife because she does currently tell me when he calls, and I certainly don't want her to stop doing that. She can see why I get upset, but she doesn't really know what to do about it either. She HAS to work with the OP. Going to her boss about it is absolutely out of the question as well. This would most certainly lead to her dismissal.

I have thought about revealing the relationship to the OP's wife as she doesn't know. In doing so I would hope she would but pressure on him from their end to do what he can. But here's the kicker, the community that my wife and the OP work in is very small, and very well connected to each other. If this were to get out, my wife would be ruined professionally. She would essentially be blacklisted from working in the community, which would be devastating. 

Options? Thoughts? Thanks!


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Do want a real answer, or an answer that will make all the fluffy puppies sing and rainbows come out of unicorns arses?

Stop reading now, if you want a lie.


Answer:

Nobody ever said " I wish I spent more time at my job" on their deathbed.

Get some perspective and put your marriage where it belongs... First. Through any means possible, have her removed from her workplace. 

Anything else is saying "money is more important than marriage" And if that is your answer... then you are doomed to a life of anxiety as you are filled with images of your wife having love making sessions on the fax machine.

You have not accepted the fact that your wife IS that kind of person, yet. You should work on that.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Tell his wife. Tell her everything. Let him find other work.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Dude, your wife is just as much a cheater and just as untrustworthy as the other man is. The quicker you realize it the better informed you will be. She decieved you for months and had sex with him, he didn't force himself on her, so stop making excuses for her. It's time for you to take a stand. She must have NO PERSONAL CONTACT WITH HIM EVER>. All contact must be business related and if you find out even ONE personal message or text or phone call the marriage is over. She , by still being friends with him, is disrespecting you, remember that.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Coneym,

The biggest Lie in cheating. It was a Only-One-Time. The old OOT is swear on my dead grandmother's grave. Seriously, this is every affair including my wife's I have every read here. 

2nd, I was pursued by him. It was all because of him. I wasn't looking for an affair. Wake up! She was every bit involved. She had 1000 other choices. 

Point: She is still in contact with him. Even if she is not sleeping with him, she is seeing him, talking to him, I you want her to be focused on you and your marriage just how it this arrangement going work?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I know you want to believe your wife about her commitment to you and the marriage but you can see she is still not protecting your marriage, she is still saying she is missing the relationship she had with another man........
My best guess is she is still emotionally involved with him and as long as there is contact between them withdrawal will never happen........
A marriage cannot have 3 people in it, I think you need to figure out what is the most important thing to you, this is no way for you to live, I can't imagine how hard this is going to be for you......
She has to chose you or him, bottom line.......work or marriage.
She cannot drive in 2 lanes, now your best option is to tell the OM's wife what you know.........go see her, and tell you would like to work together to save your marriages.........she has the right to know what is happening to her life, your wife will be mad but the affair will not survive being in the open .......affairs survive in secrecy when that protection no longer exists it will fall apart pretty quickly........
Tell your wife if she doesn't leave her job or he doesn't leave then the marriage cannot survive. She must decide which life is more important to her.............
Give her some articles on NO CONTACT between affair couples and look up FOG BABBLE in affairs and she if you recongnize your wife in anything she says.........remember people in affairs are great liars..........and you already know she is capable of making decisions that don't have your best interest at heart, not accepting them for who and what they are was part of my problem as well, my therapist said to me your husband isn't who you see in your fantasy of him he is someone who had an affair........that is who he is.............that is what he did........
Don't believe anything she says, snoop all you can............
Tell her whatever you do you do to save your marriage ....and that you love her enough to stand up for that.......


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i think most of us are giving advice here because we aren't in the situation that he is in. he's unemployed and she's in a tight industry that will make her an outcast if things go wrong (and don't think for a minute that the other guy won't survive).

i'd suggest that you find a job fast because this can go a couple of ways. you could get a job and help get her out of that job and you can stay married, or when it is revealed that the affair never ended and you are asked to leave the house, you can support yourself.

i hope it's the first option.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell his wife at the very least. And she had darn well better be sending her resume out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

coneym said:


> I have thought about revealing the relationship to the OP's wife as she doesn't know.


Oh you need to do this. Like yesterday. His wife has the RIGHT to know. Plus nothing kills an affair faster or changes its dynamic faster than when it comes to light. Affairs survive in secrecy and the "unknown." Affairs are UGLY. That's why it's a secret. So throw a hex on the secret and tell the wife TODAY. You need to tell your wife if it doesn't stop with him, you will check out of the marriage permanently. No other option. If it's the affair or your marriage. Point blank. And mean it. So far she hasn't faced any consequences for her actions.



RWB said:


> The biggest Lie in cheating. _It was a Only-One-Time._ The old OOT is swear on my dead grandmother's grave. Seriously, this is every affair including my wife's I have every read here.
> 
> _2nd, I was pursued by him. It was all because of him_. I wasn't looking for an affair. ?


My husband said this about his and still won't tell me the truth though the chick I believe it is has been in contact with him for a year and a half now! He still swears it was one time and he never talked to her again! He also said she threw herself at him and acted crazy and like she'd never had sex before. That she put it out pretty much on a platter. LOL.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Do want a real answer, or an answer that will make all the fluffy puppies sing and rainbows come out of unicorns arses?
> 
> Stop reading now, if you want a lie.
> 
> ...


LOL. SPOT on. And I agree about the "money more important than marriage thing."


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

coneym said:


> I have thought about revealing the relationship to the OP's wife as she doesn't know. In doing so I would hope she would but pressure on him from their end to do what he can.


Right now this sounds like your best option.





coneym said:


> But here's the kicker, the community that my wife and the OP work in is very small, and very well connected to each other. If this were to get out, my wife would be ruined professionally. She would essentially be blacklisted from working in the community, which would be devastating.


I really don't think this is necessarily the case. Perhaps in your mind this is worst case scenario. The key to her career is to get this affair stopped and her act in a professional manner. Besides the company (if they found out) may be afraid she will launch a sexual harassment lawsuit. As long as the affair gets stopped and doesn't interfere with productivity, the company probably won't get that involved.


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