# Taking charge



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I have seen a lot of advice on here (from both men and woman) that a big driver of desire in a wife is being with a man that takes charge. I know there is a very fine line here between having healthy confidence and being controlling. 

I think this is been my problem for most of my relationship. At first, I was very independent, did my own thing, but also enjoyed my time with her. Then my wife’s OCD started manifesting itself in her behaviors. What happened was that she took TOTAL control over everything, including my behavior. That was the same time the sex stopped. It was probably a combination of the OCD messing with her head and her seeing me as a total looser with no backbone.

Fast-forward to today, we have been able to manage the OCD and I have been able to become more assertive, but the balance of control is still totally with my wife. As I become more assertive, do my own thing, look after my appearance, etc, I have noticed that her desire has picked up a little. However, it is nowhere near it was the first few years of our relationship.

I am struggling to find a good balance of power in the relationship. I find myself somewhat scarred to push forward at times and I know she sees it. I fear of being too controlling.

Do you have any advice as to approaches I can take to balance things out and try to increase my wife’s desire?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I am not exactly sure that a woman's desire is necessarily linked to her husband's level of "taking charge-ness". If so, I'd be one of the "luckier" guys on the planet. I'm sorry I wrote it that way with the invented word and all hubby, but I felt it sort of illustrated my point. I think you may very well be quite wrong in associating the one with the other, sort of like linking crime to ice cream sales, as more crime occurs in the summer months...which COINCIDENTALLY is when ice cream sales peak as well.

However, here's a potential link for you hubby, is she taking any meds for her OCD? If so, all of the commonly prescribed SSRI's and the most common, a tricyclic called Anafranil commonly produce a lack of sexual desire. So, in closing do what you feel you need to do as far as your "taking charge-ness" goes, but for heaven's sake look at her meds, and talk with her doctor about whether or not they agree that this is in fact a side effect. LIL


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks for the feeback. 

As far as meds, she is not on any now. She was taking some before we got married which helped with the OCD but turned her into a zombie and there was zero sex drive. 

Yeah, I am probably drawing too much of a conclusion form some of the threads here. The main thing I am trying to avoid is being a door mat to my wife. I get the feeling here that the gals don't really find that attractive. Problem was that I associated being a very accomodating people-pleaser as a way of showing my love for my wife, which may have made me less of a sexual object in her eyes. I am working on changing that perception.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I think most women prefer an assertive man but this is a general statement and does not mean all women like this. However, I am assertive and doubt I could have a successful relationship with a woman who wanted a more wimpy man. It is hard to change who you truly are, whichever direction that is.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i concur that women like assertiveness, but there is a limit and where that limit is can be confusing. take it too far and it will have the opposite affect.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I want my husband to take control of our family. I want him to make all the major decisions. It's less for me to think about. My limit is him making choices for our lives and not at least giving me the consideration of running it by me and asking how I feel about it. Even if he thinks it's the direction we should go, I'd at least like a head's up. I'll give him the final say even if I don't agree with it.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

There's nothing worse than when someone tries to be assertive and doesn't pull it off. Relationships need one person to take the lead... and sorry to sound all surrendered wifeish but I prefer it to be the man..

At the end of the day if you're not naturally aggressive then you need to force yourself to be assertive. Do it in a way that isn't completly out of character... Instead of shouting and arguing just be emphatic.. say "look this is what I've decided is best .... I'm listening to your view but this is what we should do" ...

As for women preferring assertive men... well that's not always the case..


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

What are you scared of? You should express HOW you FEEL to her....

just say, I feel that we are lacking here in this area of our relationship and I MISS YOU (her). What can WE do to get that back?


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

Throw her up against the wall, pull her panties aside and give it hard and fast now and then. She likes the feeling that she caused you to lose control (at least that's what my wife told me).

But not all the time. Don't overdo it.

She wants her orgasms too--and those often require a longer simmering time so the throw her up against the wall, yank it down and pull it aside and go at it approach won't work there (for us).

Out of the bedroom, I make all the big decisions (man speaking). That's my wife preference as well.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If you can figure out how to do some rough foreplay, you get the best of both worlds: rough, dominant sex, and she gets to the finish line. 









joevn said:


> Throw her up against the wall, pull her panties aside and give it hard and fast now and then. She likes the feeling that she caused you to lose control (at least that's what my wife told me).
> 
> But not all the time. Don't overdo it.
> 
> ...


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