# my husband stays angry for 2-3 weeks.what to do?



## emilydias401

hi... 

a big thank you for reading and any opinions you can offer.i do not have any family members or friends with whom i can discuss this.

so, im 28 hubby is 34. been married for 4 years.

he is basically good to me.loving and faithful and i love him and im totally devoted to him..

but he does not know how to have an argument.i think almost all the married couples argue/fight once in a while.but they make up too.i guess my husband has a fear of facing any argument. when i say something his reply is "ok lets get divorced" for a few months we do ok.we stay happy and loving and then something happens.i say something.he says ok lets get divorced.and we argue.then i think about forgetting it and moving forward but he keeps the anger for 2-3 weeks. im so tired of it now. this happens once in every 4-5 months.


i don't know why just a simple argument makes him stay angry for 2-3 weeks.we were good for 5-6 months and yesterday we argued. what happened is we didn't see each other for 4 days because of his work and then we finally met.when i told him what happened during the 4 days he just said hm hm when i asked why he isn't talking he said he is tired. we spent some time together watching TV. then he said he is going to sleep. and i went to lay down with him for a hug and kiss because we did not have any physical contact for 4 days. and he said he wanted to call his friend from whom he had a missed call. so i was laying there for the hug he took the call and i was waiting till the call is over. and he talked for ONE HOUR !! this man who said he was tired to talk with me just ignored me, did not even look at me completely forgot that im waiting there for a hug and kept on talking talking talking. after about 45 minutes i started to cry.i just felt so bad that i was kept waiting.and he continued talking even though i was crying (later,he said he didn't see--yeah how could he see when he was behaving like i didn't exist)

so when the call was finished,i got up-still crying- and put the new year card i was going to give him on the table.(i was waiting to give it to him and he knew it) and then i said you cant talk with me but you can with that person.you totally ignored me.do i have to take an appointment to hug you? so.. he could have just said im sorry come here and hugged me. but no he said "if you don't like me talking with him lets get divorced" and we said things to each other. and he said "don't show me that mood" apparently, he hates to see me being angry.he hates to see my angry mood.. he says he hates that. i guess he is afraid of dealing with it?

today, im ready to forget this. i have said sorry several times and i have said that next time when something is wrong i will tell him calmly without showing him an angry face.but he did not even touch me today.didn't talk.i tried talking.now i know he wont talk and wont touch for 2-3 weeks.

so.. what im asking is, how can we get rid of this cycle? how can he learn to argue and then let go and be happy again without sulking for 2-3 weeks?

when you get angry with your spouse what do you do? do you show your anger? how long does it take for you to make up?

im thinking he cant deal with me being angry.growing up, he has had no role models to observe and learn how couples argue and make up.so i think he just doesn't know how to deal with it? and he is afraid? how do i help him? 

i have decided that next time i will not show him any anger. i ll just read a book and when im calm i ll tell him that i was upset.

thank you for any support/opinions/insights you can give me/us.


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## PeaceTrain

I am on the same boat except I am a male. There are lot of similarities between my W and your M.

We are in a vicious cycle as well except that we have this type of event every month and we go on strike for weeks. I take it since I am a man, I have to initiate the make up session every time regardless whose fault it was. Now a days she tells me after each fight, I am predictive and soon I would come back to her. Basically, she insults me saying I am weak and I would say sorry soon and come back. So I stop initiating the making up when I know clearly it was her fault. She is extremely stubborn and thinks she can make no mistake ever. So, we go no talking for months sometimes except talks about kid.

So my advice to you stop saying sorry. Make sure you don't loose temper and get angry while having conversation or argument. Keeping calm is very important and very hard while there is an argument. When anybody gets angry, all the rationals and logical thinking go out the window. Don't ever attack personally. For example, if you are having fight on A, don't attack him by stating the short coming he has on B, or some weak points he has on something else.

Since I am on the same boat, I know the problem lies with him. He needs to handle and manage this relationship. No points to waste time and ruining days and weeks on grudge and anger. My wife can not carry on an argument or debate more than 2 minutes when we have disagreement. She looses it so quickly and starts attacking me personally. I like to continue the conversation and agree on disagreement, identify some action plans to avoid future debate, execute the action, and close the chapter. But that does not happen since after 1 minute of debate, she starts name calling. She will bring up stuff from 12 years back which has nothing to do with this argument. So, I shut down since shouting and yelling has started. Hence, that followed by weeks of no talking, touching etc. 

So once again, communicate to him everything. If conversation does not work, write a letter. Tell him everything. Tell him what you want and how you want. Ask him what she wants from you. If he does not change, you have to women up and ignore him for a while, and see if he comes to his senses or not.

Another thing, try to eliminate the root cause of those arguments. What is these arguments is all about? Lay down everything and find some solutions that you both could agree. Find some Strategies that both of you agree on.

I failed to follow my own advise because my W get extremely angry and starts screaming and shouting when I propose something which is not aligned with her desire 100%. It happens so quickly. So this behavior of her created lots of resentment within me and root cause remains root cause.

Good luck to you, but trust me your problem is not that bad. Fight every six months and 2/3 weeks of no touch, is much better than what lot of us dealing with in this forum. But I wish you good luck. Life is too short.


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## ABC1987

How long has it been like this? In your 4 years of marriage, were you ever able to discuss whatever was bothering you without him ignoring your feelings?

If it was always like that, maybe is part of his character, some people have problems when it comes to opening up to their partners.

I have (in some way) a similar situation with my husband and due to the lack of communication things got really bad between us.

It's hard to give an advice when you don't know the whole deal, but I'd say, do not let it get to you till the point you start crying for attention, a lot of people won't see it as a positive call for help.

It seems that you are more emotionally dependent than him, I'd say show yourself more confident, secure, maybe that will call for his attention (in a positive way).

Getting angry leads nowhere, believe me, the best way to try to communicate is never out of rage. 
If you want to make a point with him try to do it when you are both calm, control your impulse (that urge to discuss it right away).

Pointing fingers is also a bad response simply 'cos people get defensive and try to protect themselves the best way they know how, like him calling for a divorce, very immature but clearly is his way to say "this is who I am, I don't see any problem with it, why did she (you) said that", for most people accepting criticism is a difficult thing, again something that comes with maturity.

Now I don't know how much this bothers you, after all you said this will happen about every 4/5 months, so it's not a regular thing.

If you do want to have a serious conversation about this you have to know how much you are willing to push him and how much you are willing to give to him.

Bottom line, if he does not want to talk there isn't much you can do to change him, for that to happen he has to realise for himself that he needs to give the attention and respect you need so he can see you happy (since you said he admitted that he does not like to see you upset).

In my opinion your relationship needs more maturity, for any relashionship to prosper both parts have to be willing to give, both parts have to want to be better, if he can't give you that now, maybe you can start working on your side (like you said try not to show anger) though of course you shouldnt let him go over your feelings the way he does, there are many different ways to let him know something is wrong.

I hope I could help you, I have my own issues with my relationship, but as I look to things from an outside perspective that's what I think is ideal. 

Always easier said than done. 

Good luck!


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## zookeeper

This is an issue best dealt with in marriage counseling. Are you two seeing a counselor?


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## emilydias401

PeaceTrain said:


> I am on the same boat except I am a male. There are lot of similarities between my W and your M.
> 
> We are in a vicious cycle as well except that we have this type of event every month and we go on strike for weeks. I take it since I am a man, I have to initiate the make up session every time regardless whose fault it was. Now a days she tells me after each fight, I am predictive and soon I would come back to her. Basically, she insults me saying I am weak and I would say sorry soon and come back. So I stop initiating the making up when I know clearly it was her fault. She is extremely stubborn and thinks she can make no mistake ever. So, we go no talking for months sometimes except talks about kid.
> 
> So my advice to you stop saying sorry. Make sure you don't loose temper and get angry while having conversation or argument. Keeping calm is very important and very hard while there is an argument. When anybody gets angry, all the rationals and logical thinking go out the window. Don't ever attack personally. For example, if you are having fight on A, don't attack him by stating the short coming he has on B, or some weak points he has on something else.


your situation seems to be bad  im sorry to read it.from today I'm trying to be calm and not be angry in arguments. thank you for taking time to reply. i wish you good luck too.

what type of things make her angry?

in my case my husband cant see my "angry mood"

in your case it seems that your wife gets angry and screams when she cant get her way. 

when i get angry it is usually because he doesn't give me attention/he forgot something etc. i don't even say anything but he sees it on my face.


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## emilydias401

ABC1987 said:


> How long has it been like this? In your 4 years of marriage, were you ever able to discuss whatever was bothering you without him ignoring your feelings?


yes.we have talked about things calmly in the past. as i understand now, he cant see my angry mood.if i get angry and try to tell about the issue then he gets angry too.
he cant deal with my angry mood.i don't yell or anything but my face shows my anger and he doesn't like it..


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## mablenc

Stop waiting and following him around like a puppy. Next time he gets mad, don't ask for hugs, don't cry infront of him. Leave the area, and continue on like normal. After a while ask him if he wants to talk about it, don't cry. If he is open tell him you both need a way to handle this better and suggest MC. By you following him crying and asking him to hug you, you give him all power as he feels he's the only adult.
We do peace offerings, it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

You have all right to be angry and "show anger in your face" if you are angry. It's a bit controlling for him to expect otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## emilydias401

ABC1987 said:


> It seems that you are more emotionally dependent than him, I'd say show yourself more confident, secure, maybe that will call for his attention (in a positive way).
> 
> Getting angry leads nowhere, believe me, the best way to try to communicate is never out of rage.
> If you want to make a point with him try to do it when you are both calm, control your impulse (that urge to discuss it right away).


yes.he can be away for days and wont say that he misses me.but i miss him when he is away i want to see him, touch him just be with him.


i will never show the angry mood to him again.he cant deal with it.so i ll be calm.always.


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## emilydias401

zookeeper said:


> This is an issue best dealt with in marriage counseling. Are you two seeing a counselor?


no..


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## emilydias401

mablenc said:


> Stop waiting and following him around like a puppy. Next time he gets mad, don't ask for hugs, don't cry infront of him. Leave the area, and continue on like normal. After a while ask him if he wants to talk about it, don't cry. If he is open tell him you both need a way to handle this better and suggest MC. By you following him crying and asking him to hug you, you give him all power as he feels he's the only adult.
> We do peace offerings, it works.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i was waiting to hug him and he didn't stop the call. then i got sad and cried.i didn't ask for hugs after he got angry...


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## SaltInWound

Pay attention to his actions and words. They match. 

He wants to get divorced, and tells you so, but is never going to make the first move, so he is alienating you. Finding excuses to avoid you. He knows what he is doing. He knows how his actions are hurting you. I've been there, done that.

How do you stop this cycle? Leave him. Find a mature man who will give you the attention and love you deserve.


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## emilydias401

mablenc said:


> You have all right to be angry and "show anger in your face" if you are angry. It's a bit controlling for him to expect otherwise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i thought that too. why cant i show it when im angry? but then i thought , if my anger is going to make him angry too maybe i should just leave the room be angry and when im calm then i shall talk? rather than talking when im angry?


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## SaltInWound

Have you asked yourself why a young man who hasn't been with his wife for 4 days isn't interested in sex the moment he walks through the front door?


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## unbelievable

People do what works for them. If he's wearing his butt for a hat for weeks on end, he's getting some reward from you. If he threatens divorce and that ends the argument, that's his reward. I think you have a couple of choices. You can decide a manipulator isn't worth your time or you can quit rewarding bad behavior and see if that fixes things. Mine used to threaten divorce. I ended that business by handing her a piece of paper and telling her to write out an agreeable property settlement. She has depression and she used to frequently threaten suicide. A week locked down in the psych ward ended that tactic. I just made it clear that if she isn't committed to the marriage, then a divorce is what she needs and the sooner, the better. If she wants to kill herself, a responsible husband would get her immediate professional help and I intend to be responsible. I'm a husband, not a shrink. Say the "S" word around me, I'm taking you to the psych ward. Say the "D" word around me, we're calling a lawyer. If you want to partner, I'm your huckleberry. If you want to manipulate or threaten people, you've got the wrong guy. 
What is your reaction when he wears his butt for a hat? Do you tiptoe around him or turn up the sweetness? Do you give him space? Whatever he's getting, it's what he wants or he would choose a different plan. If he showed me a$$ hat, I believe I would ask him what was wrong and give him an opportunity to talk things out. If he refused, I'd tell him it was unpleasant and unproductive being around him in his foul mood and I'd find something better to do elsewhere. Hopefully, he would be ready to behave like an adult when I returned. If not, he could stay by himself and entertain himself with his crappy mood. If he threatens divorce, toss him an empty suitcase and a phone book and tell him to pack his stuff. More than likely, he'll back off that approach pronto. If not, he wasn't committed anyway and you're better off without him.


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## PeaceTrain

emilydias401 said:


> your situation seems to be bad  im sorry to read it.from today I'm trying to be calm and not be angry in arguments. thank you for taking time to reply. i wish you good luck too.
> 
> what type of things make her angry?
> 
> in my case my husband cant see my "angry mood"
> 
> in your case it seems that your wife gets angry and screams when she cant get her way.
> 
> when i get angry it is usually because he doesn't give me attention/he forgot something etc. i don't even say anything but he sees it on my face.


I won't hijack your thread describing my problem. Yes, I know my situation is bad. Any disagreement in different opinion from me seem to make her angry. You are right she starts throwing her feet whenever she does not get her way. My problem is I love her too much. However, lately I have stood up and told her clearly, I am not her anger dumpster. Anyway, you can read my last posts to read details. This is your thread and I think he is fixable. He just need to realize how big deal it is to have a wife who crave for attention, hugs and kisses.

Just be strong a little bit. Next time he says d word, tell him honey if you don't want to fix yourself to live with me happily I don't want to live with you either. Live is beautiful and I know I have lot to offer, and if you can't realize this, I am ok going our own way.

But you really did not tell us, what made her upset or angry at the first place? Is this something you can stop doing?


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## techmom

unbelievable said:


> People do what works for them. If he's wearing his butt for a hat for weeks on end, he's getting some reward from you. If he threatens divorce and that ends the argument, that's his reward. I think you have a couple of choices. You can decide a manipulator isn't worth your time or you can quit rewarding bad behavior and see if that fixes things. Mine used to threaten divorce. I ended that business by handing her a piece of paper and telling her to write out an agreeable property settlement. She has depression and she used to frequently threaten suicide. A week locked down in the psych ward ended that tactic. I just made it clear that if she isn't committed to the marriage, then a divorce is what she needs and the sooner, the better. If she wants to kill herself, a responsible husband would get her immediate professional help and I intend to be responsible. I'm a husband, not a shrink. Say the "S" word around me, I'm taking you to the psych ward. Say the "D" word around me, we're calling a lawyer. If you want to partner, I'm your huckleberry. If you want to manipulate or threaten people, you've got the wrong guy.
> What is your reaction when he wears his butt for a hat? Do you tiptoe around him or turn up the sweetness? Do you give him space? Whatever he's getting, it's what he wants or he would choose a different plan. If he showed me a$$ hat, I believe I would ask him what was wrong and give him an opportunity to talk things out. If he refused, I'd tell him it was unpleasant and unproductive being around him in his foul mood and I'd find something better to do elsewhere. Hopefully, he would be ready to behave like an adult when I returned. If not, he could stay by himself and entertain himself with his crappy mood. If he threatens divorce, toss him an empty suitcase and a phone book and tell him to pack his stuff. More than likely, he'll back off that approach pronto. If not, he wasn't committed anyway and you're better off without him.


:iagree:


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## Advocado

Everyone gets angry at some point or other and I think you and your H need to find a way to not become overwhelmed with your own or each other's anger. Of course 2-3 weeks is way too long to stay angry. 2-3 hours would be a more appropriate cooling off period, following which you can either let it go, calmly talk about it for a set maximum period of time (say 30 minutes, and then take a break rather than talking about the issue until you are both blue in the face and angry again). 

No one can expect to go through life without getting angry so formulate a plan for how you yourself deal with anger - find what soothes you, be it counting to 100, exercising, listening to music, painting whatever and distract yourself with that rather than staying overwhelmed with anger and/or crying and pleading for attention. Next time you want attention but he wants to phone a friend, go off and do something else to uplift you. You can take back control of your own emotions. If someone's actions put you in a bad mood, realise that you don't have to stay in that bad mood and don't.

Change you, and you might just see a positive change in him (the link below relates). If after a time there is no change in him, get MC as was suggested above.


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## emilydias401

SaltInWound said:


> Have you asked yourself why a young man who hasn't been with his wife for 4 days isn't interested in sex the moment he walks through the front door?


he was tired.he works nights and he was awake for 4 nights till 2am


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## emilydias401

unbelievable said:


> .
> What is your reaction when he wears his butt for a hat? Do you tiptoe around him or turn up the sweetness? Do you give him space? Whatever he's getting, it's what he wants or he would choose a different plan. If he showed me a$$ hat, I believe I would ask him what was wrong and give him an opportunity to talk things out. If he refused, I'd tell him it was unpleasant and unproductive being around him in his foul mood and I'd find something better to do elsewhere. Hopefully, he would be ready to behave like an adult when I returned. .


i try to be normal.he did not text me,but i did.i said i love you i said go to work safely.he didnt.

i tried to talk and he did not even look at me.so i gave up


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## emilydias401

PeaceTrain said:


> Just be strong a little bit. Next time he says d word, tell him honey if you don't want to fix yourself to live with me happily I don't want to live with you either. Live is beautiful and I know I have lot to offer, and if you can't realize this, I am ok going our own way.
> 
> But you really did not tell us, what made her upset or angry at the first place? Is this something you can stop doing?


i have told him this time "ok go talk to a lawyer"

he talked with friend for 1 hour.then when it finished i was angry i asked do i have to take an appointment to hug you?you ignored me. and then he says "don't show me that mood" and says lets divorce.





i think he expects me not to show anger at his mistakes.every time, he does something like this and then i get angry and i tell him about it while the anger is on my face and he says hey don't show me that mood


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## emilydias401

Advocado said:


> Everyone gets angry at some point or other and I think you and your H need to find a way to not become overwhelmed with your own or each other's anger. Of course 2-3 weeks is way too long to stay angry. 2-3 hours would be a more appropriate cooling off period, following which you can either let it go, calmly talk about it for a set maximum period of time (say 30 minutes, and then take a break rather than talking about the issue until you are both blue in the face and angry again).
> 
> No one can expect to go through life without getting angry so formulate a plan for how you yourself deal with anger - find what soothes you, be it counting to 100, exercising, listening to music, painting whatever and distract yourself with that rather than staying overwhelmed with anger and/or crying and pleading for attention. Next time you want attention but he wants to phone a friend, go off and do something else to uplift you. You can take back control of your own emotions. If someone's actions put you in a bad mood, realise that you don't have to stay in that bad mood and don't.
> 
> Change you, and you might just see a positive change in him (the link below relates). If after a time there is no change in him, get MC as was suggested above.


i think you are correct.he gets overwhelmed when im angry..he cant handle it.


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## Uptown

PeaceTrain said:


> I won't hijack your thread describing my problem. Yes, I know my situation is bad.


Peace, for that same reason, I respond to you in your thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/128770-help-2.html#post6400433.


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## lifeistooshort

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Right now there is an extreme power imbalance here because you are so needy. Neediness is extremely unattractive, and can be very emotionally draining for the person with the needy partner. Stop following him and crying; if he wants to ignore you then ignore him too. Don't tell him you love him, don't cry, don't pay any attention to him. Tell him you'll talk when he's ready and then ignore him. When he finally wants to talk tell him you can't stay married to someone that you have to tiptoe around and that gives the silent treatment, but you recognize you contribute to this so you want to see a MC. Deal with this now, because it's not going to get any better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound

emilydias401 said:


> *he was tired*.he works nights and he was awake for 4 nights till 2am


Too tired? Do you see how overused that excuse is? He is avoiding you.


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## emilydias401

lifeistooshort said:


> The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Right now there is an extreme power imbalance here because you are so needy. Neediness is extremely unattractive, and can be very emotionally draining for the person with the needy partner. Stop following him and crying; if he wants to ignore you then ignore him too. Don't tell him you love him, don't cry, don't pay any attention to him. Tell him you'll talk when he's ready and then ignore him. When he finally wants to talk tell him you can't stay married to someone that you have to tiptoe around and that gives the silent treatment, but you recognize you contribute to this so you want to see a MC. Deal with this now, because it's not going to get any better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i thought when he ignores me, if i show him love it will make it easy for him to come closer?


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## Advocado

emilydias401 said:


> i thought when he ignores me, if i show him love it will make it easy for him to come closer?


Looks like you have being doing the above for a looong time and it's NOT working for you. So time to do something different.


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## emilydias401

do you think i shall completely ignore him? but, im afraid he will go on being distant for months if i ignore


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## Prodigal

emilydias401 said:


> i will never show the angry mood to him again.he cant deal with it.so i ll be calm.always.


This is not only unrealistic but it indicates that you have bought into the b.s. he's selling you. See, YOU are responsible for how HE feels. If you don't show anger, don't rock the boat, don't make faces, don't express the emotion of anger .... great! 

He'll be Mr. Wonderful, right? Uh, no ... sorry, wrong.

What you do, how you react, and how you choose to behave has no bearing whatsoever on how your husband decides to respond. He owns his feelings/emotions. You own yours. 

Both of you are dancing the codependency tango. And it's a killer for a marriage; at least a marriage based on mutual respect. 

This is manipulation at its finest. Seriously.

Get yourself into counseling. If he won't go, then go alone.


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## SaltInWound

emilydias401 said:


> do you think i shall completely ignore him? but, im afraid he will go on being distant for months if i ignore


Yes. If you don't feed the monster, that is usually the result. He feeds off your reaction. That is all he wants from you. When you stop, he will go find someone else to be the victim.

Here is an example of what happens when you stop feeding.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/117433-silent-treatment.html

I suggest you read "Why Does He Do That" and "Living With the Passive Aggressive Man". It will help you understand why your insistence on showing him love isn't going to get you anywhere.


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## Advocado

Stop allowing him to bring u down. Stop wallowing in self pity and unworthyness when he behaves poorly. 

Ignore his attempts to have you feel bad by doing someting to dictract yourself. Let him see that you are capable of enjoying your own company/friends/activities etc whenever he tries any manipulative tactics. Fawning over him will only encourage him to continue the behaviour you dislike.


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## Jellybeans

Look up the silent treatment when used as a pattern. It's emotionally abusive.

Been there, done that, left him.


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## emilydias401

SaltInWound said:


> Yes. If you don't feed the monster, that is usually the result. He feeds off your reaction. That is all he wants from you. When you stop, he will go find someone else to be the victim.
> 
> Here is an example of what happens when you stop feeding.
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/117433-silent-treatment.html
> 
> I suggest you read "Why Does He Do That" and "Living With the Passive Aggressive Man". It will help you understand why your insistence on showing him love isn't going to get you anywhere.


thank you for the book recommendations. i will try those.


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## emilydias401

today, he called me at work asked if i ate etc. do you think maybe he is not using this being angry thing as a way to manipulate? that he is just angry? what i feel is he is afraid when i get angry. i think it might be because of the woman he saw growing up... he was not with parents. he lived with an aunt. that woman shouts and fights and goes away saying "i ll divorce" after having an disagreement with her husband. do you think he is following her method because thats all he knows?


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## SaltInWound

emilydias401 said:


> today, he called me at work asked if i ate etc. do you think maybe he is not using this being angry thing as a way to manipulate? that he is just angry? what i feel is he is afraid when i get angry. i think it might be because of the woman he saw growing up... he was not with parents. he lived with an aunt. that woman shouts and fights and goes away saying "i ll divorce" after having an disagreement with her husband. do you think he is following her method because thats all he knows?


Do you understand the cycle? It appears he is in the "let's pretend nothing happened" phase. Confrontation and silence around the corner.

Angry? of course he is angry. Silent treatment is a form of control for an angry person. It is used to manipulate.....to make you comply. Empty threats of divorce is also manipulation.


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## emilydias401

it has been 10 days and he is still not ready to say " i love you" or hug me. im getting angry now...


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## Advocado

Emily - within the last ten days, have you done anything differently to what you normally do when he gets like this? If so, what.


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## bobbieb65

Emily, poor Emily...you keep making excuses and ways to accept his behavior all awhile he does nothing for you or the marriage. He tells you how he feels about it and you ignore him...HE WANTS OUT OF THE MARRIAGE!!! 

He tells you time after time what he wants by behaving the way he does and even more importantly he brings up divorce, but you just won't take the hint. He feels badly about this...maybe he's not in love with you or found someone else...and wants it to be your choice to divorce to relieve his guilt.

If you want to make a last ditch effort, the two of you should go to marriage counseling. It may get him to open up and be honest with you and himself.


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## emilydias401

Advocado said:


> Emily - within the last ten days, have you done anything differently to what you normally do when he gets like this? If so, what.


yes. i haven't said i love you. i have not hugged him.im just watching. i don't know how many more days he will be distant like this. but, now im like "whatever" i don't know why he likes to waste days we could be happy by behaving like this. maybe a book like "we can work it out" will help?


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## Advocado

emilydias401 said:


> yes. i haven't said i love you. i have not hugged him.im just watching. i don't know how many more days he will be distant like this. but, now im like "whatever" i don't know why he likes to waste days we could be happy by behaving like this. maybe a book like "we can work it out" will help?


Well done - I think that's a really good start but the next step is just as important i.e you need keep yourself occupied and happy and let it show that you are quite contented within yourself and are not just waiting around for him to throw you a few crumbs so that you can come alive again. Continue to watch what happens but just don't let him think/see that that's all you exist to do. 

Again, it's good you're not pandering to him anymore but do make it obvious that you can take care of you and be happy despite his best efforts to bring you down. 

If you can manage this I think he'll either start to improve or he'll get worse with his sulking/anger. If he shows signs of improving and acting more like a mature human being rather than give you the silent act or get angry for indefinite periods then I think it's worth haning in there and see how things go maintaining your new responses for the future. 

However, if he turns the sulking and anger up a notch or two, then you really have deep problems indeed and may need to rethink things for the long term in your own best interests as bobbieb65 may be right that he actually wants out.

So in a nutshell, no moping around, be positive and get happy. coz however things turn out a positive attitude will see you through.


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## emilydias401

is it counted as silent treatment when he is talking with me, but not using pet names/saying i love you, not kissing and hugging? 

this may sound silly but i really want to know. this distance is not good for my emotions.im feeling unloved and ignored


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## Emerald

I'm not sure he wants to divorce you but he does want to control you.

He is emotionally abusive using threats of divorce to silence you. You are co-dependent on his every word & mood. You are not *allowed* to show anger - a normal emotion that everyone has. Maybe this is how he was raised but it does not excuse how he treats you.

Do not for one minute think he will not treat your future children exactly like this. Maybe with counseling, he can change his ways. Your love for him will eventually turn to hate the more you stuff your feelings, the more you are silenced.

It is sad to feel unloved & ignored by your partner. My advice is to book a marriage counseling appointment & invite him to go. If he refuses go alone (I did). Good luck.


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