# Last week wife said we couldnt get through affair



## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

Last week a number of weeks apart my wife told me it was over. I was devastated, month or so ago I found out she was sexting a 52 year old married man. They had met a few times. They didn't sleep together, I know that!. His wife even contacted me.

I want to save my marriage. I still love my wife, things haven't been good the last few months. But she has moved back to her parents. I have hardly seen her the last month. She messaged me yesterday a week after calling it off.

How can I save it?. She said she still loves me, but don't think we can get through it. I don't want to throw away my marriage over something so stupid.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

It sounds like she's the one, twice, who has thrown it away. She had the affair and she doesn't want to fix it.

I know it's hard, but it sounds to me like she's done with it. And sadly, you begging or pleading isn't going to change her mind.

I think the protocol here is, if you do want to try and save the marriage, is to do the 180. Accept it, turn your life around, work on yourself and start preparing to live your life without her. Show her you are OK with it and that you WILL be happy and do just fine without her.

This is often a wake up call for wayward spouses, and can shake them out of the "fog" (which I don't believe in). 

The more you beg and plead with her to stay with you, the more you will push her away. Wayward spouses are childish and want what they can't have.


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## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

At present she is staying with her parents. How can you do the 180 if I don't see her?.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

You asked how can you save it. You have to work at ending it.

File. She won't come back as long as you are chasing her.

In due time, you will more than likely decide her cheating was disgustingly unfair, and you can find a better woman.

There is much more to it than sexting. So sorry you are here.

Please read and share your thoughts. It will help tremendously.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The 180 is not to elicit anything from her. The 180 is for you to detach and take care of yourself.. on your own. To stop depending on her.. so it works beatifuly.
She left you, she cheate don you and then still shows no care at all. not even as a plna B as it seems. 
Believe her, she's telling you what's going on in her head and heart.

Help yourself to move on.
Stop reaching out, stop texting, put the D ball rulling, plan your life wothout her, envision it.
If by a miracle she wants you back then you will be a way better position to make demands or reject her.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> At present she is staying with her parents. How can you do the 180 if I don't see her?.


The 180 is more for you than her. Exercise. Spend time with friends. Read. Take care of you needs first. Dress better. Lose weight. Find old hobbies and interests. Learn game.

The 180 is about you being a better man. Learn to enjoy yourself. It helps cut your feelings of loss to a minimum. Eventually it will help you find better women.

Bless your heart. Many of us have been in your shoes.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

What Acabado says.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I suppose you still haven't told his wife yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> At present she is staying with her parents. How can you do the 180 if I don't see her?.


What the other fellas said - it's about you, not her. It's not a trick or manipulation - you need to do the 180 for yourself. You may discover (I did) that once you "find yourself" that you no longer wish to be married to someone who treats you like **** on the bottom of their shoe.

But - even though she isn't physically around to see it - if you do the 180 right, and really DO it - she WILL know. Your value as a man will go up. And by that time you'll probably realize you can and will do better, and she will end up regretting what she did and want you back.

But don't go into thinking you're doing this to trick her into wanting you back - it doesn't work that way. Move forward with your life, live it for you, and be the best man you can possibly be. This is about you, not her and her cheating ass.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

tom67 said:


> I suppose you still haven't told his wife yet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He said that the OM's wife contacted him.

Sounds like they are both in the dark on the extent of the affair. 

Sexting is a very small tip of the iceberg.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Do you have any kids?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> He said that the OM's wife contacted him.
> 
> Sounds like they are both in the dark on the extent of the affair.
> 
> Sexting is a very small tip of the iceberg.


There's always more.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well
Let his wife know that you two are divorcing so she has a heads up.
You don't have kids move on she is not marriage material.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> How can you do the 180 if I don't see her?.


You go dark...no contact with her unless it's a short communication about the D process. You have her served. You move on with your life.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

PJ,

We all realize that the advice to move to a D is contrary to your first post. You don't want to throw away your marriage.

It is a very common story. You discover a little information. You plead with her. She is disgusted by you. She only acknowledges the things you can prove. Yada, yada, yada.

You have indicate that you know about the 180. Good move.

You could do more detective work to help YOU understand how deep she is into the affair. Look up Weightlifter's posts.

The D will be the only way to make her think about her losses. 

Exposing the affair would help if she has a circle of friends/family that she is hiding it from.

In due time, a D will free you from the deep pain of betrayal.

Please read some of the current longer threads and you will see the pattern.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

They might not have slept together, but I'll bet they had sex. But to be sure, you need to go investigate quietly to find out the extent of the affair before you decide your next move.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This sounds like an exit affair, whether it was a PA or not. She's decided she's done with you for whatever reasons, and has no wish to reconcile. She may have been coming to this realization for a long time, but it's new to you, so you have a big adjustment to make.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I suspect that there was sex. You don't go from sexting to meeting up with a dude and not have sex. If this is what you think, that she did not do the deed, your wife would be about the first ever to have not done the deed under these circumstances.

You don't plead, beg, etc. It will not win your wife back.

File for D. 

As others have mentioned you only got the tip of the iceberg.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Just let her go.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

You probably have a better feel for this than me as an internet stranger. I just know my WW was like that too. For her, it wasn’t so much she didn’t want me or the marriage, it was that she knew what she’d done was unforgivable and that she couldn’t R if she was in my shoes. So, she was trying to make that choice for me and decide how I should feel about it. Just more foggy wayward self-centered thinking.... giving up before she made any real effort.

So, I made sure she knew there were various reconciliation plans out there. It wasn’t as if there was no chance. Basically, I ripped her to shreds for being just as stupid and believing she knew what the hell was going on in my head. I told her it’s a really fricken easy question she needs to ask herself: “What do I (her) want?” And added that she needed to stop using her made up fantasies of magnification of what I wanted to talk herself out of or into stuff. I didn’t know the answer for myself, how f’n dare she decide that I could not ever get past this. How f’n selfish is she that she quits before she even tries using that excuse and blaming me. I thought her version of love is to never give up on a person. So much for that.... If that’s the way she wants to go, *I’m fine with that *, but I will not be blamed that I ‘couldn’t get over this’ when she wasn’t going to make any efforts at all. Of coarse I won’t take her back and not trying to fix this was insuring that result.

She didn’t “earn her divorce”; Tried to make it right and it didn’t work. She was just trying to take the easy path. That same dumb mistake that got her into this mess by not trying to fix the issue (marriage problems) and doing something else (seeking boyfriends to fill the void). How’s that working out for her avoiding working on problems? Did it help or make it worse? Stupid people annoy me....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best way for her to care about you again is for you to regain your confidence and to tell her you love her and would like to save the marriage, but you aren't going to beg her. If she wants to talk, let you know. Until then, you'll honor her wishes and get on with your life.

And then go DO it.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

At this point the only way to get her interested in you again is to let her know you want to formerly separate so you will be free to date again, that you do not want to date without a formal separation because you dot believe in cheating, and without a formal separation it would be cheating.

Let her know this is the only way you can move on, you need to distract yourself with somebody else. 

This will not sit well with her.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I found out she was sexting a 52 year old married man. They had met a few times. They didn't sleep together, I know that!.


How do you know that?

Were you there?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> How can I save it?. She said she still loves me, but don't think we can get through it. I don't want to throw away my marriage over something so stupid.


Like what was said before, its her throwing it away, you don't have a say in the matter nor can do anything about it. 



> At present she is staying with her parents. How can you do the 180 if I don't see her?


By ignoring her, don't respond to her if she reaches out unless its and emergency and even then take your time.


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