# When should we get married?



## Jayme1827 (May 26, 2013)

I told my boyfriend that we can't get married until after college so that we can go on a honeymoon & have kids, but he doesn't want to wait that long & I really want to marry him now. (I'm 18 & he's 27). I really love him and I don't want to wait 4 years to marry him, but it would be hard to be married and still go to college. Also, once we get married and have kids, it would make it hard to work in the government, which is what I want to do, and sing. So.... the problem is, should we get married now, sometime during college, or after college? Maybe we could get married after my sophomore year and then wait to have kids until after graduation (or at least try, we can't control God's plans).


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Jayme1827 said:


> I told my boyfriend that we can't get married until after college so that we can go on a honeymoon & have kids, but he doesn't want to wait that long & I really want to marry him now. (I'm 18 & he's 27). I really love him and I don't want to wait 4 years to marry him, but it would be hard to be married and still go to college. Also, once we get married and have kids, it would make it hard to work in the government, which is what I want to do, and sing. So.... the problem is, should we get married now, sometime during college, or after college? Maybe we could get married after my sophomore year and then wait to have kids until after graduation (or at least try, we can't control God's plans).


How long have you 2 been dating?


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Wait. Go to school, get your careers going, and get on your feet. If you really love each other, the waiting won't be hard. A wedding isn't a marriage.


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## Jayme1827 (May 26, 2013)

Anonymous07 - We've been officially together since November 13th (so 6 months and 12 days) and unofficially since October.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Jayme1827 said:


> Anonymous07 - We've been officially together since November 13th (so 6 months and 12 days) and unofficially since October.


And you are looking to get married that quickly?

Sorry, but you barely know each other. Slow down and get to know each other. I'd say to date, at the absolute very least, a year before even getting engaged, so you know exactly who you are with. Right now you are in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship, so give it some time. Good things come to those who wait.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Go to college and finish up. Are you going away for college? That's a whole other dynamic that might change the way this story unfolds. 

Disclosure: You could easily say to me, pot, meet kettle. I got married rather young too, but I didn't go to college. Really regret it now, but I don't regret my marriage at all. But as a young bride I didn't have the stress of being a wife and a college student. 

Go to college. Seriously. 

ETA: I see you only been together for 6 months? Don't even get engaged. Concentrate on your studies and see how things unfold. The worse thing that can happen is being a divorced woman before you reach 30.

Wait and go to college.


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## Jayme1827 (May 26, 2013)

We live in Maryland and I'm going to college in Lynchburg, Virginia, like 4 hours away.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I set a goal of getting married AFTER I graduated college. I didn't quite make it because my husband got a job transfer.

We married 6 months before I graduated but I DID graduate.

I'm solidly in the camp of WAIT, finish school first. You haven't even been dating that long.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

That is a good distance apart. You would only see him on weekends. And you might even want to become part of the weekend scene at college without him -- especially football games in the fall, Does you school have a good team? I think VA Tech is in Blacksburg, and UVA in Charlottesville; I can't think of a good college football team anywhere else in VA.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Is anything keeping him in Maryland? He's relatively young could he take 4 years out of life to work and live where you are while you attend college?

I know I didn't start my career until 28 and my husband switched careers all together at around 30ish.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Just wait until you are done with school, it's so hard to do once married, then the kids come. I did it the hard way, I was lucky to finish some people don't make it out or take more years to do.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

You're 18 and been dating him six months? Yea, wait for sure. 

I've seen it over and over with my highschool and college friends that got married before 25 or so. You change so much between 18 and 30 its unreal that's one of the big reasons for young couples getting divorced.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Please wait.


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## Jayme1827 (May 26, 2013)

Tacoma, I think your signature thing kinda contradicts your comment. lol


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

While it is possible to finish school when married, or to work in government & sing as a parent, it is VERY premature for you two to marry now, in my opinion. I would have a different opinion if you were 40 years old, but at your age, you haven't experienced married life and all the limitations and sacrifices it requires. Plus, you don't know that he won't change on you. For the first year, maybe even a year and a half, we cannot get an accurate idea of how our lives will be with someone we've recently begun to date because of the way our brain chemistry works. 

You plan to be together forever. Let the next year or two prove to both of you how well you work together to overcome problems and to postpone what's "right now" for "what's best."


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Take your sweet time in getting to the nuptuals, and just enjoy the loving journey in finally getting there!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are 18. You can't imagine how much you will change in the next few years. Wait.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Finish your school and see what this guy is ALL about before you tie the knot.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I have no issues with age gap relationships or marrying somewhat young, but you barely even know your boyfriend. You absolutely need to give it time to see if you even connect with this guy and if he shares the same values/goals in life(very important). That takes time to figure out, much longer than a short 6 months. Also, college is a lot different than high school, so try to enjoy that time. Meet new people, join clubs, and get involved. I was apart of 3 different clubs in college and loved it all. I even met my husband at one of those clubs we were both involved in. 

I met my husband at 19(right before sophomore year) and we dated for 3 years before getting married. I got married last year, graduated today with my degree, and we're expecting our first child this July. It's been a whirl wind, but exciting. I'm glad I never rushed into marriage, as we dated and slowly got to know each other. I'd be wary of a man who wanted to rush into marriage(red flag). Have fun and enjoy college. If the relationship is meant to last, then it will, otherwise, you'll be glad you avoided making the mistake of marrying someone too soon.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I urge you to wait till you're at least 25. Children and marriage add a lot more responsibility than you can imagine at this point. If you're only personal goal in life is to get married and have kids I wouldn't ask you to wait. But if you want to finish up college and have a solid career then hold off on marriage. One advice I've given my kids including my daughter who's nearly 20 is to set both career and personal goals and achieve at least one one of them, either on the career front or on the personal front, before shifting your priority to relationships.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Finish college before you get married.

At the very least a couple should date at least one year before becoming engaged. Then be engaged for a year before getting married.

It takes at least 18 months to get to know that a person is right for you. The reason is that for the first 12-18 months that you are 'in love' the couple's brain is producing huge amounts of dopamine.. a feel-good brain chemical that makes us crazy in-love. Once that period is over, the production of dopamine goes ot a more normal level. If you are still wild about him after that period of time and he proves to be everything you want, then you know it's really love with someone who is worth your time.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Whatever you decide...don't put yourself in the position of lifelong regret. Has your fiancee discussed his intentions if you decide to wait...or has he put out there that he would not wait for you? Cos if you get married solely to ease the pressure he is putting on you and that you are afraid of losing him...down the road, you may very well be holding a lot of resentment against him that your were "forced" to marry so soon and delay or indefinitely put off your college goals. I would hope that he would be willing to compromise...but maybe he is wanting to get it in the bag so he won't lose you when you do go to college...for fear of you growing apart as you discover college life. 18 is kinda the age of discovery...where most gals are ready to get out there and live it up. Self-honesty for you I think will be the best policy...and don't be afraid of telling him how you feel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are going to be together for the rest of your lives, what's the rush to get married? Enjoy the getting to know each other stage.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If it's right now it will be right in 2 years. Give it at least that long before you commit. And I say that as someone who married her high school boyfriend - not til we were 30 though.

If your relationship can't withstand the relatively small challenge of living some distance apart while you study it has no chance of surviving the real difficulties that come with marriage and children. Think of it as a test.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Jayme1827 said:


> I told my boyfriend that we can't get married until after college so that we can go on a honeymoon & have kids, but he doesn't want to wait that long & I really want to marry him now. (I'm 18 & he's 27). I really love him and I don't want to wait 4 years to marry him, but it would be hard to be married and still go to college. Also, once we get married and have kids, it would make it hard to work in the government, which is what I want to do, and sing. So.... the problem is, should we get married now, sometime during college, or after college? Maybe we could get married after my sophomore year and then wait to have kids until after graduation (or at least try, we can't control God's plans).


What is it about marriage that you see as the primary benefit? Is it because you will be able to live together? Have sex?


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## Jayme1827 (May 26, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> What is it about marriage that you see as the primary benefit? Is it because you will be able to live together? Have sex?


Living together, always having him there, having kids, not having to worry if what we're doing is sinful because we'll be married (we haven't had sex, but we've done other stuff)


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## Jayme1827 (May 26, 2013)

BjornFree said:


> I urge you to wait till you're at least 25. Children and marriage add a lot more responsibility than you can imagine at this point. If you're only personal goal in life is to get married and have kids I wouldn't ask you to wait. But if you want to finish up college and have a solid career then hold off on marriage. One advice I've given my kids including my daughter who's nearly 20 is to set both career and personal goals and achieve at least one one of them, either on the career front or on the personal front, before shifting your priority to relationships.


Part of the reason that I don't want to wait that long is that he's over 8 1/2 years older than me. When I'm 25, he'll be 34.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Jayme1827 said:


> Part of the reason that I don't want to wait that long is that he's over 8 1/2 years older than me. When I'm 25, he'll be 34.


That's hardly an old geezer age. I know 34 seems old when you're only 18, but once you pass that, you'll wish you were 34 again! He *definitely* won't be too old to start a family at that age.

Has he gone to college? If not, is he planning to go? What kind of career does he have?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Jayme1827 said:


> Living together, always having him there, having kids, not having to worry if what we're doing is sinful because we'll be married (we haven't had sex, but we've done other stuff)


Thanks *Jayme*. That's what I thought. 

My advice is to be sinful.  Test drive this guy before you buy.

Insofar as age, at 49 I left my 18 year old girlfriend, realizing that I needed someone closer to my own age. So I left her for a 19 year old. :smthumbup:

I knew my wife five days before we decided to make a run at it. I moved in with her family for several months before we decided to get engaged. That was just so much fun. So open and honest. 

I was her first boyfriend, and despite her culture being pretty conservative, going about our business in such an open manner eliminated the power anyone had over trying to shame us for such sinful behavior.


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## Jayme1827 (May 26, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Thanks *Jayme*. That's what I thought.
> 
> My advice is to be sinful.  Test drive this guy before you buy.
> 
> ...


We're both Christians and while it's too late for him, I plan to be a virgin when I get married. I've already most likely done way more than I'm supposed to.


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## Jayme1827 (May 26, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> That's hardly an old geezer age. I know 34 seems old when you're only 18, but once you pass that, you'll wish you were 34 again! He *definitely* won't be too old to start a family at that age.
> 
> Has he gone to college? If not, is he planning to go? What kind of career does he have?


He's in community college and works at school and does other stuff for people to make money (like driving his friends around, yard work, etc). I don't know if he's planning on going to a regular college eventually. He wants to play basketball, so... 
Also, i want 5 kids and he'd be almost 50 by the time our first is a teenager if we waited that long!


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Jayme1827 said:


> He's in community college and works at school and does other stuff for people to make money (like driving his friends around, yard work, etc). I don't know if he's planning on going to a regular college eventually. He wants to play basketball, so...
> Also, i want 5 kids and he'd be almost 50 by the time our first is a teenager if we waited that long!


What is he planning to do for a career/living? He sounds a little immature(more like a teen than an adult man) to be working multiple small jobs, instead of making progress toward something more. Have you talked to him about expectations and the future? If you are planning to have a large family, how will you afford it? There is a lot you are not thinking about. 

Also, starting to have a family in your 30s in very common and he's not "old" at all. He may seem "old" to your young 18 year old mind, but the reality of it is different. My husband is 34 and we're expecting our first. It's really not a big deal.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> What is he planning to do for a career/living? He sounds a little immature(more like a teen than an adult man) to be working multiple small jobs, instead of making progress toward something more. Have you talked to him about expectations and the future? If you are planning to have a large family, how will you afford it? There is a lot you are not thinking about.


For 28 yes he absolutely sounds more like a teen which of course explains why he's dating an 18 year old. I went through a phase of dating much older men when I was 18 and they were all like this. One was 29 and worked at Kmart. The other lived at home with his mom with no real plans for the future. I don't know what I was thinking I just know I'm glad I didn't marry any of them.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jayme1827 said:


> He's in community college and works at school and does other stuff for people to make money (like driving his friends around, yard work, etc). I don't know if he's planning on going to a regular college eventually. He wants to play basketball, so...


Living as a married couple is expensive enough, but you are in a hurry to marry a guy like this and take on the HUGE additional expense of children?

You are way too young. And you are very naïve. I'm sorry, but I've lived a long time, and I DO have my head on straight.

You are not being realistic. So what if he's 50 when you have children in high school? It's even less realistic to expect a man who is hardly making a living to start having children, especially a large family.

My best friend's husband turned 61 in April, and his youngest daughter will be entering her senior year of h.s. in September. Neither my friend or her husband are decrepit or falling apart. 

See? You think 50 is ancient and ready for the old folk's home. Finish college. Live more of life. If this relationship is meant to be, it will still be there in four more years.

As far as this guy being a keeper ... you have not known him long enough. He does not have a solid career yet. Consider both issues to be something you should seriously figure into your life plan.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Jayme1827 said:


> We're both Christians and while it's too late for him, I plan to be a virgin when I get married.


I figured. 



> I've already most likely done way more than I'm supposed to.



Exactly. So what difference does it make? 

Two thousand years ago there were not birth control pills, and you couldn't buy a box of 50 condoms for an hour's wage. They did have lamb intestines, but that was a privilige of the wealthy class.

When a woman reached puberty, she was eligible for marriage. Life expectancy was far lower. Being a virgin at marriage in societies where 13 year olds are marrying isn't much of a trick. 

At 18 they would be asking what is so wrong with you that you don't already have children. 

Marrying so that you can have sex with a guy who is in his late 20's and wants to play basketball... this is what Christianity does for us? 

This does not look good, hon.


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## chicaperdida18 (May 20, 2013)

I would wait. People change a lot between the time they start college and finish. You might become a totally different person and realize you don't have as much in common. Take it from someone who graduated college last year (I'm in my late 20s) and also a newlywed. It's worth the wait.


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## Jayme1827 (May 26, 2013)

Wiserforit, he doesn't want to like play recreationally. He wants to play professionally, but he also wants to be a financial advisor.


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## chicaperdida18 (May 20, 2013)

Jayme1827 said:


> We're both Christians and while it's too late for him, I plan to be a virgin when I get married. I've already most likely done way more than I'm supposed to.


I'm also a Christian and waited till marriage. Not necessarily a bad thing to wait, but sex is not a good reason to get married either. Sex will be a lot better and everything else about marriage is a lot better with the right person. Divorce is also frowned upon in Christianity so you don't want to set yourself up for that. He's definitely not old. My husband is almost 15 years older than me and we are still waiting to have children. It's better to not have children at all than to have them in an unhealthy relationship or at a bad time in a relationship. For your sake and his, please wait to get married and then wait to have kids.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Jayme1827 said:


> Wiserforit, he doesn't want to like play recreationally. He wants to play professionally, but he also wants to be a financial advisor.


Well, he *is* getting a bit old for that if it hasn't happened yet. Everyone here has said wait. Ball is in your court.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

--


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Jayme1827 said:


> Wiserforit, he doesn't want to like play recreationally. He wants to play professionally,


Yes, *Jayme1827*. That is how I took it. By that age a professional basketball player will have been in the NBA for six to eight years already. If he hasn't even made a major college team roster yet - it just isn't going to happen realistically. 

There are about 4,000 basketball players in the NCAA. Then there is the NAIA, not sure how many there are in the NAIA but of all those, roughly 50 or so will be drafted into the NBA - and some of them are foreign or even in high school too. So it is a tiny, tiny fraction of players who make the NBA out of people who are already far ahead of your boyfriend. 





> but he also wants to be a financial advisor.


Well that is a much more realistic objective. But I would look carefully to see if his preparation is serious or not. 


I was a gospel singer at your age, on college athletic scholarship and also refusing sex. A real Bible-thumper. Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Campus Bible Study - speaking in tongues, laying hands on people to cast out demons. 

Science changed the way I view things.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It is a horrible mistake to marry a man who cannot support a wife or a child. Virtually every detail you have provided is a reason not to marry this man.

-- He's too old for you
-- His career goal is to play professional basketball and he's already too old for that
-- You are too young to get married
-- You are still in college
-- You don't know what you want to do with your life

Now, you are saying that you are a Christian. That's fine, but as a Christian do you think it's morally right to bring a child into this world into a marriage that has such a small chance of surviving?


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## Jayme1827 (May 26, 2013)

Hicks said:


> It is a horrible mistake to marry a man who cannot support a wife or a child. Virtually every detail you have provided is a reason not to marry this man.
> 
> -- He's too old for you
> -- His career goal is to play professional basketball and he's already too old for that
> ...


I know what I want to do with my life. I'm working towards a career in music and in government.And I don't need him to take care of me financially (only until I can make enough of my own money). And every marriage has a small chance of surviving, that doesn't mean that we shouldn't get married. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna wait - we both have a lot of growing up to do, but I do plan on marrying him one day.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Honey, you need to finish college first and get your career started. Otherwise there' will be regrets and resentments later on. 

I have a large age difference with my wife (40/23) and with what I had experienced, I'd wait until you are old enough to order a drink. Legally. Before thinking about it.

Life doesn't end after 40 by the way. We're about to start an IVF cycle to have a child together. Beyond my 16 year old, that is. The world isn't going to end. I have no reason to think I won't be here to see our child's graduation, etc.

Hicks made a couple valid points. 

- He needs to forget Basketball. Too late.
- While you may not be legally or technically too young to get married you are at an age where it is a very risky decision. Something I would wait on, myself.



PS - When I asked my wife's father for his permission (yes, I did that. I'm old school that way) I made him a promise that I'd see to it his daughter finished her 4 year degree before even entertaining going back to work. She has one semester left then it's back to the salt mines for her. lol


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Wait. You are young, things change, you have dreams and you don't want to be resentful of not fulfilling those dreams. As to kids, assuming you are having sex, what's to stop you from "having kids until after graduation (or at least try, we can't control God's plans)" - oh yea. It's called BIRTH CONTROL of which most methods are 99% effective when used properly. 

He and marriage can wait.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Jayme1827 said:


> I know what I want to do with my life. I'm working towards a career in music and in government.And I don't need him to take care of me financially (only until I can make enough of my own money). And every marriage has a small chance of surviving, that doesn't mean that we shouldn't get married. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna wait - we both have a lot of growing up to do, but I do plan on marrying him one day.


Marriages grounded in good choices have an excellent chance to survive.

It is a really bad plan to marry someone without job prospects thinking you will just financially support youself independently... That in and of itself is a huge threat to the success of your marriage.

A male who cannot support a wife and children, regardless of whether she wants or needs him to do so, is a very bad choice in a husband.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

If he hasn't played ball professionally by the age of 27, it's not happening at any serious level where real money is on the line. 

I'd be a little concerned about him not having a reality check in that regard. 

Getting married at 18 is a big risk. Take your time.


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