# Dating and different beliefs



## millyz88 (Aug 7, 2015)

I was married for 3 years and together with my ex for 5, and we haven't been together for 8 months now. It was a mutual separation and ended very friendly. We had simply grown apart and fallen out of love and decided that we just weren't good together anymore. 

I recently met another guy and he and i were talking for a little while before we met. We would speak on the phone a lot and text every day so i feel like this made us more comfortable on first meeting and it went really well. He took me out to dinner and afterwards we talked in his car for 3 hours and kissed. I feel totally comfortable with him and he said he feels the same way. We both have different views as far as religious beliefs go, but after the date he told me he wanted to take me out again because he felt we could have some good potential and didn’t want to let it just go.

So last night we went out again. He picked me up, we went bowling, dinner, and then we went for a walk by the lake and talked for 2 hours and more kissing. He says things that really make me feel like he is interested. He told me he wanted us to be in a relationship before we have sex because it’ll mean so much more. He is such a gentleman and really thoughtful. In the car on the way to the restaurant and bowling, he had made a playlist to listen to which was all the bands i told him i liked. He makes me feel really great and we are always laughing, but i have been hurt a lot in the past and i am concerned that i will get too attached and then he will tell me the religion thing bothers him too much and he doesn’t want to see me anymore.

We have only been on 2 dates so far so it is still early days, and we text after our date last night and this morning, but then he said he had to work and he hoped i enjoyed my day. No plans have been made yet to go out again. I guess because i have been married before i look at possible long term issues. I'm not looking to rush into anything, don't want any drama or complications seems i have had a failed marriage, but at the same time i am really into this guy. Does anyone have any advice for this situation?


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Depends on how diverse the religions, I guess, and how you reconcile the differences.

My mother was a Methodist, my father a Catholic. They've been together 52 years.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes it does depend - is it more like The Beatles vs The Rolling Stones or as severe as Country vs Rap?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Infatuation is a chemical reaction to someone you're attracted to, sadly that doesn't mean you would make a great couple. Not saying you claimed to be infatuated, but you're already playing kissy face so there's got to be physical attraction. Only you can decide if religious differences are important to you, just be logical and think long term, think of how all the holidays will be spent (or not observed) and seriously consider how children will be raised.

Obviously way ahead of the game after just a couple dates, still, it pays to think ahead. It's very easy to let those endorphins take control and before you know it you're saying "I do" or "I'm late" and your bonded to someone who in reality isn't a great match, just damn sexy.


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## millyz88 (Aug 7, 2015)

I'd say it's pretty severe lol, but it doesn't bother me at all. I am more concerned of him and his family as they belong to a certain religion and i am not religious. The tradition of his religion is usually to marry people who are of the same religion, although it isn't always followed. He follows some of the stuff but not all of it, but he is also very open minded and doesn't push it on me either. On saying that, all his siblings and family are married to someone of the same faith. I guess the choice is his really....and ideally he would prefer someone with the same beliefs, but it just seems like from what we know we really have something between us potential wise.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ok. You don't really have one. What is his?

I am cringing because I think I know why you are hesitant to disclose the religion of his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Ok. You don't really have one. What is his?
> 
> I am cringing because I think I know why you are hesitant to disclose the religion of his family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What could go wrong? Let's brainstorm.

You could be honor killed.

You could have to try to stay awake through some kind of worship service. Easily accomplished if you get to dance with venomous snakes, other wise fairly difficult.

You could have various members of his family earnestly try to convince you that you're going to burn in hell if you don't join them.

They might offer you koolaide.

There could be friction between you and him about how your children are raised.

You could find out that his family are wonderful people that accept you as you are and don't bother you about religion.

That's it, I'm dry. Of the possibilities I listed, only a few of them result in your death. If we knew which religion we were speculating about we could probably narrow the list down a little bit.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

So just open up more of the spiritual talk on the next date.... what's it going to hurt.. I'm one of those similar to this guy.. hold the sex till you've built something..allow a connection to grow slowly.. a slow build... experiencing things together, learning of each other is better for long term, if it has the potential for long term...

While having many talks about each others hopes, dreams, passions, what you love, hate, deal breakers, values, how you handle money to kids, to where you'd like to live...to getting to know his friends, family, your friends.... so much goes into a lasting compatibility.. 

Relationship Experts say -the 1st 18 months one can not tell between Infatuation and something lasting.. if you make it that far.. and still feel like best friends, laughing together, you've resolved conflict in healthy ways, chemistry still flowing, still wanting a future together, you have beat the odds... 

There is a book entitled Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be: Books...



> This solutions-oriented guide offers problem solving and behavior changing strategies for people working on their most intimate relationships. The book provides readers with: enhanced knowledge of their own and their partners' beliefs, values, habits, desires, goals, likes, and dislikes; ideas for opening communication and deepening a relationship; skills for making healthy decisions about lifestyles and boundaries; an in-depth understanding of the role of self-esteem in relationships; increased ability to let go of the past and embrace the present; and the knowledge that it is important not only to choose the right partner, but also to be the right partner. What distinguishes Intellectual Foreplay from similar titles is that it includes guidelines on what to do with the answers it gives. This makes it useful in both creating and sustaining a relationship.


I think this is a great guide for any new couple to wade the waters and see if they have a shot at compatibility on pretty much every level.. I highly recommend !


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> Why are you cringing? Lots of people follow a variety of different faiths with genuine heartfelt reasons. Why would his religious faith on its own and in itself be problematic enough not to be disclosed?


That is a question that OP needs to answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## millyz88 (Aug 7, 2015)

Hey guys. I have just now checked the thread replies which had some very interesting reads. I am agnostic. I don't believe that there isn't a higher being, i am just not sure. He is Mormon. All his family are married to Mormons also. The only reason it came up in the first place was because on our first date we were talking and i said how i used to date a Mormon guy and then he said "I'm actually Mormon also." Before he said this i knew he believed in God but i didn't know he was Mormon. The guy i dated years ago who was Mormon.....well lets just say his mother thought i was a terrible influence on his son seems i was not religious. I heard her once on the phone when we were together telling him i was no good for him and he needed to get rid of me. I guess this whole situation has made me concerned his family may be the same seems i know he told me that his brothers are married to Mormon women also, and his parents are obviously both Mormon also. 

He told me that he has never actually ever dated a Mormon girl, but i believe all the girls he has dated were Christians. I don't think he has ever dated a girl who is agnostic or atheist.The fact he is Mormon doesn't at all bother me. Some of his personal choices really fit my personality which is something i think makes us incredibly compatible. I have never had a guy who has taken me out act so gentlemanly as he is. He is incredibly sweet and he just makes me feel so good about myself and i'm constantly smiling and laughing when we are together or when i'm thinking about him. I know we have something that has a lot of potential even though it is early days, but i'm wary i am going to get really attached and then his family or possibly later on he is going to think it really bothers him i'm not also Mormon, especially if things got more serious, but of course i am getting way ahead saying that, however it is always a possibility. He tells me that right now he doesn't have a problem with it though.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How old are you two?

Has he been married before?

If so, how did it end?

Ask some questions. How would you two raise children?

If he is closer to 30 than 20, I seriously doubt he is a virgin.

How have his beliefs changed?

Does he want to do right by you?

Has he done right by everyone in the past?

How devout is he?

Does he believe god gives people black skin because they were bad?

What are his feelings about the founder of his religion?

Will he expect your boys to go on a mission journey?

Do some serious research yourself and ask some serious questions.

Does he believe god is white? Does he believe white skin means you are more pleasing to god?

I've studied religions and these questions are only the tip of the iceberg.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Honey, you've been on 2 dates. Slow down and get to know him before you are making long term plans with him.

I realize that a couple of good dates makes you feel like you know someone already, but you don't.


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## millyz88 (Aug 7, 2015)

I guess i do think ahead quickly which may be a bad thing, but i rarely really like someone, so when i do i think about stuff just incase. You are probably right. I should just go with the flow a bit more. I guess if he decides it does bother him i can't do anything about that.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

millyz88 said:


> I'd say it's pretty severe lol, but it doesn't bother me at all. I am more concerned of him and his family as they belong to a certain religion and i am not religious. The tradition of his religion is usually to marry people who are of the same religion, although it isn't always followed. He follows some of the stuff but not all of it, but he is also very open minded and doesn't push it on me either. On saying that, all his siblings and family are married to someone of the same faith. I guess the choice is his really....and ideally he would prefer someone with the same beliefs, but it just seems like from what we know we really have something between us potential wise.


If he knows you're not religious and you know he is and you both decide to date and become serious then it doesn't seem like a problem to me. Seems like problems over religion happen when it changes after a couple is already together and not so much when they go in knowing and making the choice.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Even though it's only been 2 dates, I think you're wise to consider what the level of his family's approval would be. I think the man should also take a hard look at whether or not he'd be OK in the longer term being with someone who doesn't share his faith. I don't mean just his family, but him. He may be on a high right now (because he likes you a lot) and might not be able to think clearly about that. I have been there.

After my divorce from my Christian husband that I'd been married to for 14 years, I dated several men who did not share my faith (also Christian). I grew up in a Christian home and was always brought up with the belief that I should date/marry someone of the same faith--not as a matter of any kind of discrimination, just as something important to be on the same page about for many reasons, the biggest one being having God at the center of your relationship provides a source of strength and guidance in marital issues, parenting issues, etc. As I said, when I divorced I dated outside of my faith. I regret it. I know my mom did not approve, although she never said all that much about it. (My dad is deceased) My ex and I reconciled, but that all went to hell, and when I'm ready, I'll probably date again. (I'm sure people who've read about my drama with my ex are having trouble believing my ex professes to be a Christian, but he does. Was raised the same way I was!). 

I see a Christian counselor and I'm going to start working with her on my issues that I feel make me vulnerable to not sticking to my own boundaries I wish to have (dating men of the same faith, for example), but it really is important to me, especially this time around. My faith is the foundation of who I am and it's important to me that my partner share in that. It always should have been.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This guy is also looking to marry given his religion and he won't have sex.

Questioning this early is warranted in this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## millyz88 (Aug 7, 2015)

He actually isn't a virgin


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

millyz88 said:


> He actually isn't a virgin


I was fairly certain of that! LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. It comes down to this. He believes and you don't so being adults, if you both act like it, then you respect each others views. It would be one thing if he tried to shove his views down your throat and you doing the same.

Religion is a very personal thing and shouldn't be made fun of or ridiculed. It's wrong and lets face it, in this world there are so many denominations all thinking that their religion is right and everyone elses is wrong and that fact of the matter is, no one knows. The only way to find out is when your number is called. All in all just respect his views and ask for the same in return. Lot of people have passed on and got the surprise of their life.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Even though it's only been 2 dates, I think you're wise to consider what the level of his family's approval would be. I think the man should also take a hard look at whether or not he'd be OK in the longer term being with someone who doesn't share his faith. I don't mean just his family, but him. He may be on a high right now (because he likes you a lot) and might not be able to think clearly about that. I have been there.
> 
> After my divorce from my Christian husband that I'd been married to for 14 years, I dated several men who did not share my faith (also Christian). I grew up in a Christian home and was always brought up with the belief that I should date/marry someone of the same faith--not as a matter of any kind of discrimination, just as something important to be on the same page about for many reasons, the biggest one being having God at the center of your relationship provides a source of strength and guidance in marital issues, parenting issues, etc. As I said, when I divorced I dated outside of my faith. I regret it. I know my mom did not approve, although she never said all that much about it. (My dad is deceased) My ex and I reconciled, but that all went to hell, and when I'm ready, I'll probably date again. (I'm sure people who've read about my drama with my ex are having trouble believing my ex professes to be a Christian, but he does. Was raised the same way I was!).
> 
> I see a Christian counselor and I'm going to start working with her on my issues that I feel make me vulnerable to not sticking to my own boundaries I wish to have (dating men of the same faith, for example), but it really is important to me, especially this time around. My faith is the foundation of who I am and it's important to me that my partner share in that. It always should have been.


Which proves that people who profess to be Christians can be just as screwed up as anyone else.

OP I couldn't tell if you are separated or divorced. I think I would end one marriage before making long term plans for another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Absurdist said:


> Which proves that people who profess to be Christians can be just as screwed up as anyone else.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So true.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

millyz88 said:


> I guess i do think ahead quickly which may be a bad thing, but i rarely really like someone, so when i do i think about stuff just incase. You are probably right. I should just go with the flow a bit more. I guess if he decides it does bother him i can't do anything about that.


I think that thinking ahead at this early a time is a good thing. The purpose of dating is to figure out if the person is a good match for a long term relationship. At any point if you find out that they are not a good match, it's time to end the relationship. "Not good match" means a deal breaker. So if there is a deal breaker you end the relationship no matter how much are you attracted to or in live with them. Love does not often last with huge deal breakers.

What are the religion that would bother you?

Find out about what living as a Mormon means. See if there are any deal breakers.

One for me would be if a guy said that our children had to be raised in his faith and any sons we have would have to go on a mission journey?

Your ages matter too. How old are you two?

Why does age matter? Because for many religion is not just something that they do on Sunday, it is the structure of their lives. When people are younger they will often feel that they do not really care that much about the religion that they were raised in. But often, as they marry, have children and get older they fall back into the religion and it's traditions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Absurdist said:


> Which proves that people who profess to be Christians can be just as screwed up as anyone else.


Why would that prove that "people who profess to be Christians can be just as screwed up as anyone else."?


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Why would that prove that "people who profess to be Christians can be just as screwed up as anyone else."?


Did you read STR's post?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Absurdist said:


> Did you read STR's post?


Yes I did. I can guess what you meant... I can think of more than one thing that you could have meant. So I think it's a good idea to ask you to be more clear before I respond.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think people with different religious beliefs can have a successful relationship, but only if they absolutely respect each others beliefs and negotiate, negotiate, negotiate. 

While you're just a couple, things are pretty simple. Problems start when children come along and one of the parents decides that it's important that their kids are raised catholic/jewish/anglican - whatever. Extended family can also cause problems so the couple needs to agree that they are the ONLY two people who have any say in their own relationship and how their children are raised, and present a united front. If you have a husband or wife who's overly attached to their parents, let's themselves be emotionally blackmailed and is incapable of standing up to them, you're going to have big problems. Of course, that's not just limited to religion - but that's a whole other conversation, lol.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Yes I did. I can guess what you meant... I can think of more than one thing that you could have meant. So I think it's a good idea to ask you to be more clear before I respond.


STR's XH professes to be a Christian yet he's had at least 2 affairs and treats STR like crap. Being a professing Christian does not exempt a person from shameful behavior.

Christianity is accepting the wonder and beauty of Grace and living your life in accordance with the Grace given you. Christianity is not a set of rules or behaviors to follow, i.e. a religion. OK sermon over.

All I'm saying is that Christians are subject to the same moral failings as an agnostic, atheist or the proponents of any other religion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## millyz88 (Aug 7, 2015)

I feel pretty gutted. Things seemed to be going alright but i feel like he is doubting something. I am not sure what. I am quite vocal about if i like someone and very complimentary to someone i like, and i think i mentioned prior i don't like people often, so when i do maybe i get attached pretty quickly. I said to him though that i have been hurt a lot in the past and i don't want us to be intimate and then say, he decided after the fact the religion thing bothered him too much to be together. Intimacy is always a big deal for me. So we spoke on the phone last night and i brought this up saying how i feel a bit unsure of how he sees things. I didn't want him to like promise we end up together, but i'm not sure where i stand. I said after this i am going to get off the phone now. He said can i text you and i said okay.

So he text me saying "Please don't go. I think you're an amazing girl and no one treats me as nicely as you do and i love being with you." We are supposed to hang out next week, and he wanted to cook me dinner. He then said he finds it slightly unfair to totally expect a full guarantee that we are going to work out in this short of time, but he still really wants to see me Tuesday....he then went on to say probably also Wed, Thur, and Friday probably and he won't be happy if he doesn't seem me again and that has got to mean something. He then text me this morning saying i hope you will still let me see you Tuesday. I still want to be with you. Nothing sounds better than spending time with you, and there is no one else i'd rather be with. I then said yeah we can still hang out, and he said yay, i think i just need to get to know you better.

So i'm really confused. Sorry for that novel but i don't know what it all means. I feel like he seems a little unsure but then at the same time he is saying all this stuff. What do you think i should do? I don't want to get more attached only to get hurt. I'm not sure what is going on.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

millyz88 said:


> I feel pretty gutted. Things seemed to be going alright but i feel like he is doubting something. I am not sure what. I am quite vocal about if i like someone and very complimentary to someone i like, and i think i mentioned prior i don't like people often, so when i do maybe i get attached pretty quickly. I said to him though that i have been hurt a lot in the past and i don't want us to be intimate and then say, he decided after the fact the religion thing bothered him too much to be together. Intimacy is always a big deal for me. So we spoke on the phone last night and i brought this up saying how i feel a bit unsure of how he sees things. I didn't want him to like promise we end up together, but i'm not sure where i stand. I said after this i am going to get off the phone now. He said can i text you and i said okay.
> 
> So he text me saying "Please don't go. I think you're an amazing girl and no one treats me as nicely as you do and i love being with you." We are supposed to hang out next week, and he wanted to cook me dinner. He then said he finds it slightly unfair to totally expect a full guarantee that we are going to work out in this short of time, but he still really wants to see me Tuesday....he then went on to say probably also Wed, Thur, and Friday probably and he won't be happy if he doesn't seem me again and that has got to mean something. He then text me this morning saying i hope you will still let me see you Tuesday. I still want to be with you. Nothing sounds better than spending time with you, and there is no one else i'd rather be with. I then said yeah we can still hang out, and he said yay, i think i just need to get to know you better.
> 
> So i'm really confused. Sorry for that novel but i don't know what it all means. I feel like he seems a little unsure but then at the same time he is saying all this stuff. What do you think i should do? I don't want to get more attached only to get hurt. I'm not sure what is going on.


Milly I think you're more conflicted about this than he is and it seems like the biggest issue you're struggling with is the uncertainty and risk of relationships in general. He sounds like I would have when first started dating my wife if she had been pushing for answers even though I was head over heels for her. Remember he has emotional walls and is afraid to commit too fast as well. Good luck.


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## millyz88 (Aug 7, 2015)

Yeah i think you are right. I am so scared of being hurt i'm questioning how he feels. I took it that he just wasn't that into me and was letting me down gently. I'm just confused i guess.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

millyz88 said:


> I feel pretty gutted. Things seemed to be going alright but i feel like he is doubting something. I am not sure what. I am quite vocal about if i like someone and very complimentary to someone i like, and i think i mentioned prior i don't like people often, so when i do maybe i get attached pretty quickly. I said to him though that i have been hurt a lot in the past and i don't want us to be intimate and then say, he decided after the fact the religion thing bothered him too much to be together. Intimacy is always a big deal for me. So we spoke on the phone last night and i brought this up saying how i feel a bit unsure of how he sees things. I didn't want him to like promise we end up together, but i'm not sure where i stand. I said after this i am going to get off the phone now. He said can i text you and i said okay.
> 
> So he text me saying "Please don't go. I think you're an amazing girl and no one treats me as nicely as you do and i love being with you." We are supposed to hang out next week, and he wanted to cook me dinner. He then said he finds it slightly unfair to totally expect a full guarantee that we are going to work out in this short of time, but he still really wants to see me Tuesday....he then went on to say probably also Wed, Thur, and Friday probably and he won't be happy if he doesn't seem me again and that has got to mean something. He then text me this morning saying i hope you will still let me see you Tuesday. I still want to be with you. Nothing sounds better than spending time with you, and there is no one else i'd rather be with. I then said yeah we can still hang out, and he said yay, i think i just need to get to know you better.
> 
> So i'm really confused. Sorry for that novel but i don't know what it all means. I feel like he seems a little unsure but then at the same time he is saying all this stuff. What do you think i should do? I don't want to get more attached only to get hurt. I'm not sure what is going on.


I don't think you communicated clearly with him. Try letting him know that you're not looking for a guarantee that you'll end up together, you're looking for a guarantee that the religious difference will not be the cause of you not ending up together. You're looking for a guarantee that he will respect your beliefs and in return you'll respect his. You're looking for a guarantee that if you proceed he won't allow his religion, his family, his preacher or whatever they're called in that church, or anyone else to drive a wedge based on religion. If you end up not working out for other reasons, fine, that's how the cookie bounces, but this one thing is something that worries you.


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## millyz88 (Aug 7, 2015)

I would like to know that but i think it's too soon. I think he wants to get to know me better to see if those things bother him, and i'm concerned i'll get more attached only to find out they do matter to him. I also don't want to be intimate before we are sure we want to be together. I'm wondering if maybe i should back off a bit and give him some time to see. We will see how things go next week, but i don't want to feel like he is unsure if he wants to see me at all.


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## MGD (Jun 19, 2015)

In my opinion you are in love. But my marriage experience has clearly shown me that love fades in time . What matter most in marriage is how critically you have chosen your partner.

Now after three years of marriage life I started questioning my self.

Was she competent enough to shoulder the up downs of life?
Have I ever asked myself how here families accept me
Have I ever asked to my self if she fits to my and my parents beliefs? and so on..

The result. We are living together just for the sake of our son.


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