# Limbo



## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

My life feels like a heartbroke country song
I have been married for 8 years now, doesn't look like I'm going to make it 9. I dated my wife 6 years before we were married. 

I'm not going to pretend to be blameless in all this,I've put the kids needs in front of hers too often....been sad and pouty when she made plans without us....jealous a lot early in the relationship but primarily just wanting to spend my time with her....of other guys before we were married but that had kind of gone away over time until recently. I know my irrational fears, jealousy and insecurities over the years would make her mad but didn't realize how bad they hurt her and it has kind of became a self fulfilling prophecy as my fear of her leaving is becoming true.

Over the past three or four months she started hanging out more with a new female friend after her night job and not coming home until after the kids and I were asleep or if I waited up I was sullen and moody because this was a major change to our lives and it scared me. She was constantly on the phone with the friend and when she would go to her house the fiends husband and best friend were always there which also scared me. One day he started messaging her on facebook (we had a relationship where we looked at each others pages and even if I wasn't on there the notifications kept popping up on the ipad). I asked her about it and she told me she couldn't believe I asked her if something was going on....another week of nonstop messages and I asked her how it would feel if I started messaging a girl I hadn't even known two months like that and she said she understood and would slow it down....two more weeks and the messages kept growing and then I did something stupid and blocked him from her account.....totally an ass move but it made me feel good at the time. 

She has been more distant and cold for about a month.....told me she didn't love me anymore about three weeks ago and that if it weren't for the kids she would have left already. I started seeing a psychologist about my insecurities and she talked about going to get over her anger and resentment. I've been sad but doing a lot better lately as I saw the writing on the wall.....Monday I break down and tell her I need her to love me again and could we try counseling and she admits she has feelings for someone else and is not interested/thinks it would be better if we lived separately (meaning I go live with my parents).....I told her that separate was fine but I was not leaving, she was the one that wanted to change things so she could go......I feel bad about this, because she doesn't get along with her parent well enough to go there but I don't see why I should leave.....I am the primary caregiver to the children....we both work full time but I'm home earlier and she works two nights a week as a teacher which requires grading papers/preparing lessons on nights she is home....throw that in with her workouts and visits to her new friends and I often felt like a single father and its only gotten worse over the last month obviously. 

When she told me about wanting to leave, that actually felt better than the limbo we'd been in but she says she is still conflicted....I know she is out the door and I'm really surprising myself with how nice and caring I am finding myself able to be with her about this....I think it is kind of a wake up call to deal with my issues...too late for my marriage but it should make me a better person for my kids. I have another session tomorrow, first since news of the other man.

I realize I'm kind of rambling, just feels good to put this out there as there is no one I can talk to about this, I'm not telling family until she is officially out of the house and I'm an introvert so close friends to talk with...seems like a heavy topic for a 3 and 4 year old......lol.

Update

So this morning as I was getting ready for work she was out of the shower and told me to wait for her downstairs...I assumed it was to tell me that she was moving out. Surprisingly it was to say she now wanted to go to a counselor to see if we can work on things...she said me talking about telling my family (I had asked if she was telling people she was done with me b/c she stopped wearing her ring on Monday....I just didn't want my family to hear from someone else before I told them....funny thing was it was April 1st and I know they would have thought i was joking) and her moving out made things very real. She said she didn't want to get my hopes up but wanted to try. I told her I appreciated the effort and I was sorry it came to this. I am not getting my hopes up, I think she just wants to be able to tell herself she tried before she's really gone. The limbo is the hardest part but I don't want to be the one to walk away from this.

Update

Tonight

Now she tells me she thinks we need a trial separation........limbo


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Jimmy33james said:


> .Monday I break down and tell her I need her to love me again and


You need to understand how unattractive it is for you to act like this. If you have any hope of your marriage you need to be strong. The stronger you are earlier, the better chance the marriage has in a lot of cases. 

For example, if you try to R by being super nice she won't change and will continue to cheat because she can walk over you. 

Filed divorce papers in hand and seeing you living your life healthy in focused might shock her back into respecting you again but it is no guarantee. Though being needy is a guaranteed way of ending your marriage.

Refer to this post as your situation is nearly the same.

Good Luck


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

You're doing the right thing by not leaving. She wants out, she knows the way. Be a great dad and make that your focus.


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

Thanks all, I'm past the begging pleading phase....I want it to work but realize the chances are slim to none at this point. The limbo is hard but I'm going to continue to focus on the kids....worrying about the toll on them is now at the top of my thoughts, my daughter especially is not used to being away from me very much except when she's with my mother (when I'm working or when my wife and I would go out for dinner)


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you want a trial separation? Isn't that just limbo with you sucking your thumb as plan E?

Time to 180. Read about the 180 and do it.

File for divorce. Beat her to the punch. Let her move out.

By being the dumper instead the dumpee, you can reclaim some relief from the torture of limbo. She may be shocked that you are strong, but don't count on it changing her mind.

Leaving your marriage properly, i.e., absolutely not more begging, will be important for your future life.


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

I am done with begging, but I'm not done being kind....for me, for her and for the kids...

I don't want a trial sep, and wouldn't rally view it as such. I think the terminology on her end is to make it easier on both of us.......if she walks, I just don't see her coming back and I'm starting to wonder if I would want her to at that point.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Check cell phone records for the number of OM who is ringing her bell.

Look at her credit card purchases to trace her movements.

Do you think her toxic girlfriend's husband was have sex with you wife?


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

No, I don't want to check records...too tired for that, I think I'm just done.....

I don't think its the husband, but his best friend that is out there every night. Neither have a real Job so they're up late every night, wife came home at like 4am today.....which at least it was a Friday and not in middle of week like last two times.


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

So I am thinking about telling her I want to tell family today/tomorrow and that I can't be her plan b.....I am fine with her staying until she can find someplace. Comments and suggestions would be appreciated. 
Thanks


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

Just had to do it.....I know people are going to start asking me about her ring and I won't be able respond. I told her she wasn't happy and I think we just need to tell people and look for somewhere for her to live (response was why do I have to leave an I calmly responded you are the one that wants the changes so I don't think I should have to). She said she thought I was trying to scare her into staying and I said no, I just want the limbo to be done if she's leaving to leave, I can't be her plan b. she said she didn't think she could ever love me again and I told her that was ok and everything would work out in the end with no hard feelings. I told her I can't keep blaming myself but I know we have both made mistakes and I'm sorry it came to this. She has left in the car to "have her reaction". I stayed calm and didnT show any emotion and that did feel good.....scared as hell about where I go from here.

Said she thinks I didn't show her I loved her enough and was too controlling so she stopped trying to go out with friends (not entirely correct as all of her friends until these new ones also had young children and weren't going out either) but I do accept that I put the kids first (is that compleletly Wrong, no....but I should have shown her more Ffection and I should have not gotten sad and pouty when she did go do things with girlfriends (didnT think she ever changed plans because of this but I guess I was wrong and didnT see it)

I know I could have handled a little better but am happy with how it went overall.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Jimmy33james said:


> . She has left in the car to "have her reaction".


By 'reaction' you mean (realize) that she ran to meet the OM or to a private place where she can call him for emotional support, right?


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

Oh most definitely


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

She went and told her dad.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

Feeling like the back up plan sucks. I had several months of seeming to be plan B before I finally just turned it off and headed out. Once you get to the place where you simply don't care anymore it becomes all too easy. 

Stay busy and move on. If fighting flares up just ignore it and keep being happy. If you do indeed want her back stop acting like you care. If you are happy to move on, congratulations, the single life really isn't so bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

told my sister and parents....felt good to finally say something after going around for three months of weirdness and a month of knowing she didn't love me/week of knowing about om.

i'm primarily just worried about the kids, i'm not leaving but i don't know what her plans are. we are still friendly and there hasn't been any fighting.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Get the phone records once you have the energy. It will help reinforce your determination.

Don't tell her that you don't want to be her B plan. Say that you will not be married to a cheater.


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