# What does marriage mean?



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

A question that's been on my mind a lot these days is "what does marriage mean in this day and age?"

When my folks got married in the 1960s, things were different. I watched them work hard, together, for our family and for each other. Things weren't always perfect, and they didn't always do the right thing, but their goal(s) was/were the same.

I'm trying to figure out whether or not marriages these days are still about working together for common goals, or if they're more of an "every man/woman for themselves" type of mentality.

Thoughts? What does marriage mean to you?


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Marriage to me means a commitment from one person to another person for life. All marriages take a great deal of work to be successful and I believe, sadly, that many people bail at the first sign of trouble without working to make things better.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

To me marriage will always mean "forsake all others".My parents were married for forty two years when they died and my only sibling has been married for thirty years to his childhood sweetheart.That is what I would be looking for in a marriage.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

To me, it's some of what you describe with your parents. I'm not interested in having kids, so the family part is a little different. But it also means being a team, and having one another's back when it seems like no one else does, loving one another even when you disagree or don't like each other very much in a particular moment. It means shared goals, but also building a shared life, shared memories, and working towards a shared future. Not belonging TO another person, but belonging WITH another person.

I definitely do NOT want an "every man/woman for themselves" type of mentality in my marriage, if I get married again. The marriage and the relationship is more important than the two separate individuals. Working for and focusing on what is best for the relationship benefits both partners. It can be hard because we are living in a society is increasingly me, me, me--which seems like it's every man for himself much of the time, and it can be hard to escape that mentality. You have to actively flip a switch when you are with a partner to turn of that mentality, and sometimes people forget because they get lost in their own head.

I've had to metaphorically slap my guy upside the head a few times and say, "You're being a **** and acting like I'm not even here. Why the **** am I even here if you're going to treat me like this? Be present with me." He needs that shake up sometimes, and he knows it, and he wants me to give him the metaphoric slap when it happens.

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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

And also, the life-long commitment cited by @CanadaDry and @Andy1001.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ursula said:


> I'm trying to figure out whether or not marriages these days are still about working together for common goals, or if they're more of an "every man/woman for themselves" type of mentality.
> 
> Thoughts? What does marriage mean to you?


IMO, marriage is still about working together for common goals. And it's also about helping each other be happy, successful in what each feels is important to them, emotionally fulfilled, and encouraging personal growth (e.g., health, skills, knowledge, compassion, serenity, etc.).

This was sadly lacking in my first marriage, but is abundant in this one. We strive to bring out the best in each other, while accepting and forgiving as needed. And not take each other for granted. I also feel that marriage is not necessary to make this level of commitment to each other, but does provide a pragmatic framework that can make it easier. And, while our intention is to make this last our lifetime, it will continue as long as we both love each other enough to persist. So far, so good!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I consider myself "older fashioned" as I really frown on what I see in society today...far too much casual sex, people meet, f**k and it means nothing to them....what can be learned from this.. do we even ask these questions?? How this affects our psyche long term...look around ...fewer & fewer take relationships seriously anymore.. it's been twisted so bad that now it's good and healthy if we *don't* form emotional ties, that we can just walk away, no skin off our backs...(and we wonder why people are cold and lack empathy).... we've been told this makes us "stronger", to have no need of another ....

BUT something beautiful is also being lost as as this mindset is destroying the roots of authentic connection/ vulnerability to get deep & form lasting emotional bonds.....everywhere you go, there is talk about "Independence", it's the new Mantra... where the healthy model for any relationship is not independence.. but "interdependence"...



> Interdependence is being mutually dependent, or simply being dependent on each other . Two people in a healthy relationship are said to be interdependent. In contrast to existing alone, it is a voluntary recognition that “no man is an island,” and that we must co-inhabit the space in which we live ...
> 
> Neither is seen or felt as being a burden... we hold our own...which strengthens our union & also gives us appreciation for each others roles.. though our roles within the relationship may be very different.. yet both are of value.. we very much appreciate all the other brings to our lives.. this enhances our experience.



I love being married, feeling a part of a special union....To keep the love flowing, it's a matter of commitment, a firm foundation, the more Romantically natured one is...could be inspiration in itself (but it helps if your partner is also)....and compatibility on a # of levels...it's so very very important...

Experts say one can not gauge *Infatuation* from *Mature love* in the 1st 18-20 months of a new relationship as we're in the whirlwind stage -where we are so caught up in each other...we may miss the red flags that can cause great conflict later on...  

So many things are needed to make it work.. but the rewards are so worth it...

** *Appreciation/ Gratitude for what you have.....
*** Forgiveness for when we screw up -hopefully the mistakes are not betrayals of the , those are much harder to overcome... 
*** Emotional Honesty -even when it hurts...sometimes we need to get to the roots......
**.* Laughing together...make fun of each others quirks once in a while, don't be too uptight.
*** Vulnerability with each other...if you can't go here..something is amiss..
*** a willing Transparency....do we enjoy sharing about our day with the other...a mutual give & take.
*** Patience with one another....we all miss it sometimes..
*** Listening / considerate caring Communication, show understanding, work it out to meet each other half way...
*** Intimacy/ Sex....Please each other...sexual rejection is one of the most hurtful things in a relationship, it fosters emotional bonding.

If both parties don't fall down on these things...understanding each other's  Love languages  and caring to please each other.....it's like an uplifting "feedback loop"...it revives us every day...keeps the love flowing...

The meaning ... 2 are better than one...









Sure, one doesn't need Marriage for that... but I still hang on the belief that if a man WANTS to get married (as this is clearly dying in today's society)....desiring to make it official before Family & friends, giving a woman his name, build a family with her....He is more likely to be the committed type, not just another playboy seeking another lay that won't drive him crazy....where the chances of the 2 of them growing old together is much higher...sharing every season....till their lives are through. 

*Commitment* is a purpose of marriage...it's a declaration...it's so much more than just a piece of paper....

I love to GIVE to someone.. DO for them.. please them...the same someone -this is Romance at it's finest... this fulfills me... I want to know this person LOVES me in return, that he is not going to run off with another cause he got bored...or found something more exciting...

Working things out....when the storms come... this builds character in a relationship ...overcoming obstacles ...this ties you even tighter/ stronger with each other- because of that commitment... shared memories built upon binds you, uplifts you through the darkest of times... we all face trials in life, losses, setbacks... 

Marriage is about *stability* in a world where nothing is secure anymore.....it is someone having your back... to pick you up when you fall... it is affection & Love making on a happening basis ...it's having someone to share all our sorrows, to run to with your highest highs...and laugh till you fall off the chair .......it's providing a stable environment to raise children ....this can afford them a very good start in life, it teaches them about commitment, faithfulness, honor and cherishing another...


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

My definition of marriage is basically the same - two people pledging their lives together in the Sacrament of Marriage. The old traditional vows still hold in my mind:

"I, ___, take you, ___, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, forsaking all others until death do us part."

In the past few months, my counselor has been challenging me to look more at the personal relationship aspect of marriage, and I've been incorporating the following idea:

We are two solitudes who have chosen to honor each other. 

The key is we are individuals (solitudes). While we are our own autonomous entities, we are making the choice to be with each other. When you stop and think about it, the choice of taking and staying with your spouse is an incredible sacrifice in and of itself. We do best in marriage when we honor the fact that our spouse is their own person with their own ideas, issues, emotions and actions. We support them as best as we can, share support, but allow each other the space to take their own yoke as necessary.

If we can look outward towards our spouse instead of inward towards ourselves, we can honor the other person far more effectively.

Without getting too deep into other ideas, that's the basic premise.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Interdependence is being mutually dependent, or simply being dependent on each other . Two people in a healthy relationship are said to be interdependent. In contrast to existing alone, it is a voluntary recognition that “no man is an island,” and that we must co-inhabit the space in which we live ...
> 
> Neither is seen or felt as being a burden... we hold our own...which strengthens our union & also gives us appreciation for each others roles.. though our roles within the relationship may be very different.. yet both are of value.. we very much appreciate all the other brings to our lives.. this enhances our experience.


This - right here.

I think some people throw around the term co-dependence when this is the goal. Or more likely, they confuse the two terms.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Marriage ... the only person I am willing to share my chapstick with (reluctantly) ...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@SimplyAmorous, I SimplyLove your description of marriage. It is what I was looking for in my first marriage, and what I tried to give to my husband. He, sadly, failed miserably--he did pretty much the exact opposite of your Howard quote (which is beautiful, BTW).

This is what I still want in a relationship and a marriage, if I ever get married again. I hope to, but it's not like it's a goal I'm actively working towards. I would like to be married again, if I can have a marriage like what you describe. But saying that it's a goal, something to be checked off a list, feels like I run the substantial risk of marrying the wrong person AGAIN simply for the sake of ticking of something on my life's to-do list.

So I would like to be married to the _right_ person, but I would rather spend my life unmarried than married to the _wrong_ person.

But seriously, I'm going to save the permalink to your post. It resonates with me so, so strongly.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Ursula said:


> A question that's been on my mind a lot these days is "what does marriage mean in this day and age?"
> 
> When my folks got married in the 1960s, things were different. I watched them work hard, together, for our family and for each other. Things weren't always perfect, and they didn't always do the right thing, but their goal(s) was/were the same.
> 
> ...


My marriage is very much about working together for a common goal and also about commitment. But, it's also about just simply loving the person I married and wanting to be with her for life. I don't know if the concept of marriage is evolving with the youngest generation, but I suppose that it might be. However, I also think that young adults quite often tend to value what their parents valued. My kids see what kind of marriage we have and will likely want to mimic that. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i was watching the morning news today and it had a feature story regarding millenials and dating.

the shocking statistic was that 34% of millenials had sex before the first date???? (presumably with the same individual).

so you have sex first and then date???? Study: Millennials Totally Cool With Having Sex Before A First Date, Turned Off By Cracked iPhone Screens

my view is that sex is sacred and that we have diminished the act of making love. 
sex can be elevated to a sacred and even miraculous union if we choose it to be.
marriage is the threshold to the realization of that far higher plane which transcends 'sex' and becomes 'making love' in all it's potential glory.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ursula said:


> A question that's been on my mind a lot these days is "what does marriage mean in this day and age?"
> 
> When my folks got married in the 1960s, things were different. I watched them work hard, together, for our family and for each other. Things weren't always perfect, and they didn't always do the right thing, but their goal(s) was/were the same.
> 
> ...


*While you may find some holdovers from the 40's, 50's, 60's era, in this day and age of "do your own thing" and "just what's so bad about infidelity," I really believe that the nowaday trend is to still have the precepts of a traditional marriage, but vacating the commitment as well as the holy vows that accompany it! Basically, to have your cake and to eat it, too!

Back in the early 80's, I was in attendance at a wedding where the traditional marital vows of "til death do us part," were supplanted with "as long as we both shall love!" I totally sat aghast in the pew!

Needless to say, the couple divorced three short years later due to marital infidelity, with a toddler in tow!

IMHO, the only real thing that is forestalling a marked change in the traditional divorce and child custody laws to make things discernibly easier is the family law lobby who would have the majority of its membership either in the unemployment line, or flocking to practice in some other legal discipline! *


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Marriage means when I'm are old and gray drooling on myself needing my adult diaper changed there is my W there to do that. It also means if my W needs all these things I'm there to do that for her. If we both need it then I hope we share the same room at the old folks home. 

As I grow older and our parents pass away....we truly only have each other. It is my one best hope that everyone finds that other who will do what I wrote above.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> To me marriage will always mean "forsake all others".My parents were married for forty two years when they died and my only sibling has been married for thirty years to his childhood sweetheart.That is what I would be looking for in a marriage.




I love that you mentioned "forsake all others". This I agree with is what marriage is all about. And we often need to remind ourselves what that really means.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Wow, I see that many here cling to tradition. To me marriage is a throwback to another time, when it was a necessary aspect of life. Originally marriage was a business arrangement between two families to enhance or ensure the continuance of family prosperity. Marriages were arranged and while sometimes what we consider love, evolved from it. More often it may have just been a level of respect, for the roles and what each brought to the marriage. Many times there were side arrangement (affairs) that allowed for the expression of love as well. But for the most part the marriage itself was simply to produce heirs to continue the family lineage.
The idea of romantic love being the basis of marriage is a fairly recent one. It arose during a transition period. The concept of a life long commitment to another person on the basis of love arose in a time of increasing prosperity and as a result of the enlightenment concepts that each of us is sovereign and capable of deciding for ourselves what was best for us. Marriage was an overly from an earlier time. 
Now we are moving beyond that and we continue to become more enlightened in many ways. Old traditions are falling by the way side, one of which is the institution of marriage. We are outliving our emotions in many cases, the idea of a lifetime commitment to one person is becoming more and more unacceptable to many people. Women are more liberated now than at any point in history (especially in the west). They no longer require a life partner in order to raise children. Marriage is no longer required. People in general have more choices and are exposed to much more of the world than ever before because of technology, speed of communications, and ease of travel. It is ludicrous to imagine that anyone would remain unchanged if they are the least bit involved in life. To think that two people are going to grow and evolve in the same way is even more ludicrous.
To me marriage serves only one purpose in modern society - a stable environment to raise a child in. Despite, some obvious miscarriages of justice in the awarding of child support (the decisions themselves a result of some judges retrograde thinking) marriage and divorce laws do ensure that children are taken care of by their parents, at least financially.
As a 56 year old man, I see no need to ever marry again. I have no plans to ever have another child. I did the "til death do us part" game. The reality is that it isn't your choice. Rather I enjoy being in control of my life. I can have as many or as few relationships as I want or none at all if I so choose. I am finding that there are a lot of independent women, who have made a life for themselves, who feel the same way.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wow, that story on millenials sounds interesting, and a little scary!

As for sex, I'm not a millenial, but have never viewed the act of sex as sacred or miraculous, but I'm not overly religious. I do view it as something that 2 people in a committed relationship are excited to share with one another. Something that brings them closer and strengthens their union. My H and I no longer "make love", as it just seems like something else to check off the "to-do" list. It's not romantic, or even sweet. It's filled with him seeming uncomfortable due to lack of experience, and my not being able to "teach" him, and dizziness on my part because he has awful breath, and I cannot breathe around him. So, I'm thankful when the sex is over until the following week.



jorgegene said:


> my view is that sex is sacred and that we have diminished the act of making love.
> sex can be elevated to a sacred and even miraculous union if we choose it to be.
> marriage is the threshold to the realization of that far higher plane which transcends 'sex' and becomes 'making love' in all it's potential glory.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

SimplyAmorous, I love your post! And, I truly wish that more marriages were like this.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I consider myself "older fashioned" as I really frown on what I see in society today...far too much casual sex, people meet, f**k and it means nothing to them....what can be learned from this.. do we even ask these questions?? How this affects our psyche long term...look around ...fewer & fewer take relationships seriously anymore.. it's been twisted so bad that now it's good and healthy if we *don't* form emotional ties, that we can just walk away, no skin off our backs...(and we wonder why people are cold and lack empathy).... we've been told this makes us "stronger", to have no need of another ....
> 
> BUT something beautiful is also being lost as as this mindset is destroying the roots of authentic connection/ vulnerability to get deep & form lasting emotional bonds.....everywhere you go, there is talk about "Independence", it's the new Mantra... where the healthy model for any relationship is not independence.. but "interdependence"...


Love the rest of your post but wanted to drive this point noted above home. My BIL is dating using a website dating service. The casual sex usually is on the first date. Then no dates with the same person afterwards. One person provided oral as a goodbye...on the second date. Really...a goodbye BJ? Courtship seems to be a thing of the past I guess.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Wow, that story on millenials sounds interesting, and a little scary!
> 
> As for sex, I'm not a millenial, but have never viewed the act of sex as sacred or miraculous, but I'm not overly religious. I do view it as something that 2 people in a committed relationship are excited to share with one another. Something that brings them closer and strengthens their union. My H and I no longer "make love", as it just seems like something else to check off the "to-do" list. It's not romantic, or even sweet. It's filled with him seeming uncomfortable due to lack of experience, and my not being able to "teach" him, and dizziness on my part because he has awful breath, and I cannot breathe around him. So, I'm thankful when the sex is over until the following week.


I've had my share of casual sex, but I'm not a millenial. I don't view this sex as sacred or miraculous, either, it's more like scratching an itch. But sex with a partner that I'm in love with is, well it's just totally different. Better. I like sex in general, but sex with someone with whom I am emotionally intimate as well... WHOA. It's on a totally different plane.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> I've had my share of casual sex, but I'm not a millenial. I don't view this sex as sacred or miraculous, either, it's more like scratching an itch. But sex with a partner that I'm in love with is, well it's just totally different. Better. I like sex in general, but sex with someone with whom I am emotionally intimate as well... WHOA. It's on a totally different plane.


QFT!


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> I've had my share of casual sex, but I'm not a millenial. I don't view this sex as sacred or miraculous, either, it's more like scratching an itch. But sex with a partner that I'm in love with is, well it's just totally different. Better. I like sex in general, but sex with someone with whom I am emotionally intimate as well... WHOA. It's on a totally different plane.


I have only had sex with women I was in a relationship with. Never had a one-night stand or booty call. So sex to me is special. Bit with my wife it goes beyond special and becomes sacred.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

To me sex and love are different things. The first is physical, the second is emotional. The emotional can certainly enhance (or detract from) the physical. But I guess I tend to view emotions as being more transient and fleeting than some here. If you haven't experienced that aspect of an emotion I guess I am glad for you. If you have I can't understand why you don't understand.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Speaking of sex, I guess I feel similar to FIP, I don't see sex as sacred but I enjoy it a whole lot more when there is an emotional closeness as well. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

FeministInPink said:


> @SimplyAmorous, I SimplyLove your description of marriage. It is what I was looking for in my first marriage, and what I tried to give to my husband. He, sadly, failed miserably--he did pretty much the exact opposite of your Howard quote (which is beautiful, BTW).


 then it's always.. is it just pure selfishness on the part of some, like your ex ....it wouldn't matter who they were with.. they would be "takers", dismissive of the others cares, needs..... OR is a couple THAT mismatched (incompatible) that it breeds disconnect, resentment seeps in, it's all down hill from there....... 

For instance.. my parents were a TRAIN WRECK, it didn't last..... but once my dad was with my step Mother, he found his soulmate...2 peas in a pod, still laughing & carrying on 40 yrs later ... 



> This is what I still want in a relationship and a marriage, if I ever get married again. I hope to, but it's not like it's a goal I'm actively working towards. I would like to be married again, if I can have a marriage like what you describe. But saying that it's a goal, something to be checked off a list, feels like I run the substantial risk of marrying the wrong person AGAIN simply for the sake of ticking of something on my life's to-do list.
> 
> So I would like to be married to the _right_ person, but I would rather spend my life unmarried than married to the _wrong_ person.
> 
> But seriously, I'm going to save the permalink to your post. It resonates with me so, so strongly.


I can't stress enough how important Compatibility is... for instance.. take ME and put me with another man.. I might be hell to live with... but with my husband.. he would say I am Easy, wonderful.. I doubt my husband would get on too many women's nerves but he may be too quiet, or not adventurous enough.. but for me.. I can handle this.. I love his stability, his romance... I am more of the Adventurous one & that's Ok.. he's game...it's like what I lack.. he has.. what he lacks.. I have.. so when we come together.. it just works... we make up for each others deficiencies or something, the Yin & the Yang







... we've always wanted the same things... 

On the compatibility front.. I like to throw these links out.. with questions... 

Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage



> *1*. *DO you ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?*
> 
> It is important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the need to make changes.
> 
> ...


I hope you find this.. or come to realize you already have it -with your partner @FeministInPink , I've noticed you always speak of him in the highest regard...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Yeswecan said:


> Love the rest of your post but wanted to drive this point noted above home. My BIL is dating using a website dating service. The casual sex usually is on the first date. Then no dates with the same person afterwards. One person provided oral as a goodbye...on the second date. Really...a goodbye BJ? *Courtship seems to be a thing of the past I guess.*


Is this Good or bad?? I mean.. The Duggars take it way too far...I couldn't live like that.. I'd be breaking the rules too! Where is that middle ground.. that some self control is GOOD.. some sweet anticipation while taking time, unraveling layers about ourselves emotionally, through shared experiences, before taking our clothes off..

Yet it seems most would say Good riddance - loving the sexual freedom, the fast food method of







.... I find very few who ever speak of the things that are lost with the Sexual Revolution, where it has led us...

That's why I will continue to call myself Old fashioned in this regard.....



















I would be so very disappointed in dating today....I worry for our children in this regard....we aren't raising them to find hookups on tinder, so to speak... 

This doesn't mean someone is a prude or repressed... Me.. I love sex.. everything about it.. but it's very special to me... I'll do anything for my man.. but not just any man.. the more partners a man has bed & walked away just shows how easily he compartmentalizes the act.....the less belief I'd have that he is even capable of commitment, faithfulness or intimacy shared... 

Emotionally unavailable men >>


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

SimplyAmorous I agree with almost everything you have written except the very last paragraph.A lot of people have had numerous sexual partners in the past but when they find "the one" all of the sleeping around should stop.That is true in my case at least and I have never slept with another woman after I started dating my gf.We did break up and cancel the wedding but I never touched another woman and I believe her when she says she didn't go with any guy while we were broke up.I honestly believe we are stronger now than before.
I would have a crazy sexual past by your standards but the important word is past.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> I have only had sex with women I was in a relationship with. Never had a one-night stand or booty call. So sex to me is special. Bit with my wife it goes beyond special and becomes sacred.


I can see sex with a spouse moving into the sacred realm, when you are connected and things are healthy. I've been divorced for three years, and my marriage was textbook sexless, so I never experienced sex in the sacred sense. I would like to. I've heard other people, not just on TAM, who are in good, healthy marriages, talk about sex with their spouse in much the same way that you do.

So I think that's possible. I just haven't had it yet. It could happen with my current beau. He's not there yet, emotionally. As we work through one another's baggage, we get closer, I think. He says he never wants to get married again, though.

But he also said he never wanted to be in a relationship again, or get attached to a woman emotionally. _{Enter FeministInPink and he slowly changes his mind.}_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Is this Good or bad?? I mean.. The Duggars take it way too far...I couldn't live like that.. I'd be breaking the rules too! Where is that middle ground.. that some self control is GOOD.. some sweet anticipation while taking time, unraveling layers about ourselves emotionally, through shared experiences, before taking our clothes off..
> 
> Yet it seems most would say Good riddance - loving the sexual freedom, the fast food method of .... I find very few who ever speak of the things that are lost with the Sexual Revolution, where it has led us...
> 
> ...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> then it's always.. is it just pure selfishness on the part of some, like your ex ....it wouldn't matter who they were with.. they would be "takers", dismissive of the others cares, needs..... OR is a couple THAT mismatched (incompatible) that it breeds disconnect, resentment seeps in, it's all down hill from there.......
> 
> For instance.. my parents were a TRAIN WRECK, it didn't last..... but once my dad was with my step Mother, he found his soulmate...2 peas in a pod, still laughing & carrying on 40 yrs later ...
> 
> ...


Based on those questions, I'd say we have a pretty good chance. But I need to be patient. He's terrified of commitment after what he went through with XW, and other FOO issues...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ursula said:


> A question that's been on my mind a lot these days is "what does marriage mean in this day and age?"
> 
> When my folks got married in the 1960s, things were different. I watched them work hard, together, for our family and for each other. Things weren't always perfect, and they didn't always do the right thing, but their goal(s) was/were the same.
> 
> ...


OK I have been married for over 45 years to the same woman. I don't think that there is a single definition of marriage. The marriage I have was religious and is a Catholic Sacramental Marriage. I am old enough to recognize that there are other kinds of marriages.

My wife and I have some dear friends who got married by a judge with no family present. We know a young couple that love each other now very much, but the reason for their marriage is that the "wife" was a foreign national and wanted to stay and get a work visa. We know another young couple who got married, because the woman got pregnant. My wife and I know people who in their senior years "band together" for reasons of companionship, lack of independence, emotional support, financial support, respectability, social security/medical benefits. 

I have been around enough years to have seen lots of reasons why people get married. 

I think what is more important than "why people get married" is "what they do and how they treat each other after marriage." I also know from personal experience that over multiple decades that the way we treat our spouse can also change a bunch. Having fallen in love with my college sweetheart, married her in a religious setting for life, worked with her as a team financially, socially, and raising children, dreamed with her, trusted her, not betrayed her trust, and yet hurt her emotionally, drifted away from her emotionally to the point of near divorce, I can say that marriage does change with time, or at least it did for me and my wife.

I have read lots and lots of relationship books about marriage. I have had marriage counseling from a nationally known sex therapist. I have attended a Gottman Art and Science of Love weekend training session with my wife. We have rebuilt our marriage to where it is now strong again.

I don't think the question should be "what does marriage in this day and age mean" as much as "what reasons, and commitments are the foundation of the relationship between two people." To that, I would say they can be just about anything and everything as long as the two people are committed and actively working to build their relationship.

Human beings are social animals and need to be emotionally supported. Family, is also an important concept and marriage is about turning two independent people into a recognized social family unit that is interdependent. 

Again, for me marriage is about commitment, respect, trust, family, children, social commitments, religious commitments and economic commitments. In some cases it can also be a sacrament entered into by two people.

The Sacrament of Marriage in the Catholic Church


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Young people are divided. Some people love meaningless sex and they think dating is fun and casual. 
I believe in dating with the purpose to eventually get married. I'm Christian, that's what I was taught in youth group and I personally agree with it. Once I became Christian my life was centered around God. I focused on that... being the best I could be for God. For me... why date if we won't eventually get married? I don't want to get attached and broken hearted, I was waiting till marriage to have sex, it was a waste of time and emotional energy to casually date. I have always had my eye set on the prize... and that prize was a good life, good job, good husband, good friends. I luckily have always made very good decisions. And considering my family and how I was raised, I'm doing very well.


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