# Hard core advice!



## rdj01 (Nov 4, 2013)

The short version. Together with STBX wife 20 years married 16. We have two beautiful daughters, the big house on land, boats, cars, four wheelers etc….. We both have good jobs and are drug free. I am actually in law enforcement and logical thinking is a must. 

Early 2000s wife went back to work after having second daughter for my BF’s business. When I say BF, I really mean BF of 25 years. 2010 I saw the signs and discovered the phone calls during non-business hours. I patiently waited about 5 months, while the calls continued, before making the official accusations of the affair. I do not accuse anyone of anything until I am solid with my evidence. When all came out, her explanation was they were only “talking” and "nothing happened”, BF gave the same. My wife decided that due to financial reasons, it wouldn't be a good idea to find another job. And of course my response to her was to find another job. I spent 1.5 years telling her that our marriage would end if she continued to work for him. I finally made the decision to leave and I have now been out for over a year. After leaving I told her I would come back only when she found another job. I filled for divorce in March 2013 on our 16th anniversary and to this day she still has the same job. Mediation is next week and hopefully all will be done sometime after that. 

Understand I did not want the marriage to end. I love my wife and lurked on TAM for years. My entire life has changed especially with my kids. I was and will continue to be a father 1st! So for those of you dealing with a “should I stay or Go” situation, regardless of the reason, listen up!

When your spouse is using words like “maybe, possibly, lets see what happens, I’ll try” or actions that do not reflect what their saying, pack your stuff and leave. They have already checked out!! A relationship is black and white. Does your spouse want to be married or not? Do you really want to be in a relationship where they had to DECIDE to be with you or not? I do believe a marriage can over come infidelity. A spouse that is truly sorry for the mistakes or pain they have caused will do whatever it takes to make the other person believe in them again. If I want a beer, I pick my [email protected]@ up of the couch and get a beer.

When I left, I took my “eggs” with me hoping she would earn them back. That never happened. I did the “well… give her some time and she will come crawling back” I grinded my teeth every day not to call or pursue her. I did the 180, going dark and all that blah blah. Finally I realized, WTF? 6 months gone and no attempts by her to reconcile? Up to that point… I like to say that I was walking away from her while facing her. I then turned away….. and walked away. 

Today I am building a home about 5 miles from my kids. The stress of where she is, who she’s with or what she is doing is gone. I no longer monitor her life… We speak mostly about the kids.

For the men…. dealing with the going from full time dad to part-time dad is another topic but when you have no choice, you must adjust to the situation. My kids are 13 and 16, no need to drag them through a custody battle. Hug’m and love’m.

To sum it up, don’t make a fool out of yourself by trying analyze or guess what you think is going on in your spouse's head. Actions speak loudly. They are either in or out. If your spouse has to think about it, you better start making some decisions for yourself. Get over the hump and things will be just fine. 

As said in the beginning, this is the short story. Lots of humps and bumps to get this far.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> If your spouse has to think about it


6-7 words that should be permanently tatooed in everyone's head. If she/he has to think about it, dump their ass and find someone who doesn't have to think about it.

I wish I knew this years ago


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