# Men Are Martians, and I Need A Translator



## Denien (Aug 14, 2010)

How do you get it through your man's head that the entire day leading up to the night plays a large part in how "in the mood" you are? 

I have explained, and re-explained until I am blue in the face. If we fought, if he was hateful, chances are....it is not going to happen.

Women need love, encouragement, and made to feel attractive. Is there a secret language that I don't know to make him understand?


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## MarlonFamilton (May 15, 2010)

Put it into sports language! I suggest this more as a way to communicate an idea rather than an actual game to play... but hey, you could always try it. This is a take on a token game that some child psychologists use with children who are taking more than they are giving.

First; the danger with using intimacy as a reward/punishment is that it becomes just that: reward and punishment, not love and acceptance. Of course you don't feel like being intimate when you are disconnected. I get that. On the other hand, many men do not know how to ask for attention, affection, understanding, acceptance, to be close... but they do know how to ask for sex! Then sex for them becomes an intense moment of acceptance. "Phew; she will have sex with me. I must be okay. We must be okay." If you're denying the relationship this connection and denying him this acceptance, he will probably be feeling rejection a lot and get resentful, shut down, etc. This is self defeating for you too.

Sex then becomes the currency of control; reward and punishment. This rarely ends up working. Correcting this might mean you give in sometimes to meet his needs, but sometimes say no because you do not feel connected. Use those times to continue trying to reach him.

Now the game. Maybe it takes ten points to "score". Offer points: one point for making you tea, one point for calling and saying hi during the day, one point for pitching in with a chore without being asked, etc., using things that speak connection to you.

Then, the penalties: minus two points for criticism, minus two points for not calling, emailing or texting all day, etc., using whatever happens that leads to you feeling disconnected. At the end of the day, how many points does he have? If you feel connected, then intimacy sounds like a good idea.

Another way is to give him feedback. If he says something that leaves you feeling disconnected, tell him. "When you say that to me, I feel like I am not important to you and I start to feel disconnected from you." 

Hope that helps!

~Marlon


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## andromeda (Mar 16, 2010)

Just have sex with him more even if it's not quite what you want to do. I have found that my husband responds more gently and lovingly towards me if I make the effort to be loving to him. I initiate hugs during the day, I grab the front of his pants and rub a bit even if I'm truly turned off by his behavior that day. The anticipation of what is to come can become a motivator for you to want to have sex at the end of the night.

Believe me, if you read my posts you'll see that I'm married to a very difficult person yet we never go a week without sex at least 2-3 times a week. It's mainly because I force myself to get over the fact that he needs to be motivated to treat me the way I want to be treated. We just had this conversation the other night and he KNOWS that I want him to be in control of his emotions and that woman's key sex organ is their brain but we all work out of the home together and sometimes when you're with someone 24/7 you just don't always see their good sides.

And, many times once we get into bed and get going, I do find it enjoyable if I put some effort into it. Lying there like a wet fish does nothing for your marriage. So, I guess my suggestion is for you to make the first moves and see how he responds.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Denien said:


> If we fought, if he was hateful, chances are....it is not going to happen.


Be really careful that this is not excuse making for avoidance. My wife and I have never gone a day without fighting. If she were to think we are going to have sex today, I can count on it being extremely contentious all day. Left to unilateral judgment, almost anything I say could be considered hateful. I sincerely hope you don't want to go down this road.


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