# Too attached to my partner



## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Hi everyone I’m new to this forum. I just wanted to find some advice or to see if anyone else is in the same boat as me. I have been living with my partner for just under two years but we’ve been together for five years I am so obsessed with him that it kind of scares me. I’m really jealous and I’m working on that..all I do is think about him all day. I keep trying and trying to think of myself and work on myself but I am so obsessed with him. I think he is the most handsome man on earth and therefore I think anyone who talks to him must want him too 😬. I am really working on this and I hope everyone doesn’t think I sound crazy. I just feel like our relationship is out of balance. I know it’s not a game of who loves who more than who but I just feel like it’s so one sided. He is more casual and I mean he’s into me but not as much as I am to him if that makes sense.. anyway anyone else in this boat with me or anyone have any tips on how to love someone and stay with them but let them go a little so this love doesn’t feel so scary and stressful.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Welcome, on the surface it is nice that there is attraction there to him, but as you noted your relationship is definitely out of balance, meaning you have given him more power in this relationship than you have. can i ask how he feels about you? Granted no relationship is ever 50/50 but it's important to invest in this relationship but not lose your shirt if he ever decided to leave it. you might want to see if you scaled it back a bit and see if he steps up to more into you?


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Welcome, on the surface it is nice that there is attraction there to him, but as you noted your relationship is definitely out of balance, meaning you have given him more power in this relationship than you have. can i ask how he feels about you? Granted no relationship is ever 50/50 but it's important to invest in this relationship but not lose your shirt if he ever decided to leave it. you might want to see if you scaled it back a bit and see if he steps up to more into you?


Hi and thanks for the welcome..he says he loves me but I have to pull it from him. He says I shouldn’t need to hear it so much and I shouldn’t doubt his love or need so much reassurance . He does things physically for me and us he’s done a lot of work on our house and he relocated cities for me. He says there’s love and attachment and if I need to hear I love you so much then I am giving love only to get something back not just giving love for the sake of loving someone. He says he feels he has shown me how much he loves me. I feel like he makes me feel wrong for wanting to hear the words more I mean he has said it but I guess he feels I need to hear it too much. He just isn’t really gaga over me the way I am towards him. he is not good at all at giving compliments.. or so he says . He’s a bit of an introvert and a bit shy at times. He is very affectionate towards me so I really don’t have a lot to complain about . I guess I’m yearning for full security which isn’t really a thing in any area of life. I feel that I need to let this need for security go and just let things be. That’s hard for me so I then come across as clingy . I do really like your idea of scaling back


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you thought that perhaps his love languages words and communication is different from yours, have you ever taken the 5 love languages test to see what is yours and his ? you can easily google it. Because it sounds like he is speaking to you in his language


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lostinthought61 said:


> have you thought that perhaps his love languages words and communication is different from yours, have you ever taken the 5 love languages test to see what is yours and his ? you can easily google it. Because it sounds like he is speaking to you in his language


Was just going to say the same thing. It sounds like he expresses love in terms of “acts of service”. People like that tend to not be very mushy when it comes to affirmation.

The book could help you understand each other. It’s a great book to read together.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Hi everyone I’m new to this forum. I just wanted to find some advice or to see if anyone else is in the same boat as me. I have been living with my partner for just under two years but we’ve been together for five years I am so obsessed with him that it kind of scares me. I’m really jealous and I’m working on that..all I do is think about him all day. I keep trying and trying to think of myself and work on myself but I am so obsessed with him. I think he is the most handsome man on earth and therefore I think anyone who talks to him must want him too 😬. I am really working on this and I hope everyone doesn’t think I sound crazy. I just feel like our relationship is out of balance. I know it’s not a game of who loves who more than who but I just feel like it’s so one sided. He is more casual and I mean he’s into me but not as much as I am to him if that makes sense.. anyway anyone else in this boat with me or anyone have any tips on how to love someone and stay with them but let them go a little so this love doesn’t feel so scary and stressful.


Does he give you any reason to be jealous or did you mean possessive? Surely you aren't too possessive in a bad way if you guys made it this far. I'm not sure why it scares you though? You guys have made it through the first 5 years, seems like there are many good years for you guy to come. In a way, you sound like someone in a very new relationship. What is making you this scared of your feelings and his (potential lack of) feelings five years into your relationship?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You have insecurity that you need to work on probably in therapy. You're obsessing too. I think maybe seeing a psychologist before this gets out of control and ruins your relationship is a good idea. 

I mean, not to make matters worse, but if he is that good looking, yeah, other women are after him. What you need to do is work on yourself so that you understand that if it ends, life goes on. I'm afraid you might have your self worth tied up in being attached to him, but I don't know that for sure. It's sometimes the case with people that afraid to lose someone. Like you couldn't feel good about yourself if he left? That wouldn't be healthy. You need to be enough for yourself and always know you will survive and life will go on.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Have you discussed marriage? There is added security with that might help. Is he or you opposed to marriage?
It does sound like he loves you. You definitely have an insecurity issue

Most of us have insecurities. Sometimes I think about losing my wife to some illness or death. What will I do without her? I'll never find a woman that loves me the way she does. I'm sure of it. I'll be alone in this world.
Existentially alone. I really have no one else. My family is gone.
What can I do?
Keep on keepin on and leave it up to the good Lord.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> have you thought that perhaps his love languages words and communication is different from yours, have you ever taken the 5 love languages test to see what is yours and his ? you can easily google it. Because it sounds like he is speaking to you in his language


Yes you’re right and I have done some reading on love languages and attachment styles. I do see that he may have a different love language than me. Im thinking i should maybe calm down a bit and realize that he is showing me even though I’m not hearing the words. Do you think that this means I shouldn’t ask for the words or reassurance from him? Is a person like this just not able to show their love through words? Or are they just uncomfortable saying intimate things and giving compliments. I’m thinking I need more reading on the love languages so that I can give him the space to be who he is.. and not who I think he should be. hmm something to think on for sure.


missus_ashleigh said:


> Does he give you any reason to be jealous or did you mean possessive? Surely you aren't too possessive in a bad way if you guys made it this far. I'm not sure why it scares you though? You guys have made it through the first 5 years, seems like there are many good years for you guy to come. In a way, you sound like someone in a very new relationship. What is making you this scared of your feelings and his (potential lack of) feelings five years into your relationship?


Thanks for your reply. We were long distance for the first three years so it’s not really 5 full years . To be honest I’m not sure why I’m like this for some reason he brings out a lot of insecurities in me. I put him on a pedestal and I almost wish I didn’t feel so strongly about him. It feels unhealthy


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

jorgegene said:


> Have you discussed marriage? There is added security with that might help. Is he or you opposed to marriage?
> It does sound like he loves you. You definitely have an insecurity issue
> 
> Most of us have insecurities. Sometimes I think about losing my wife to some illness or death. What will I do without her? I'll never find a woman that loves me the way she does. I'm sure of it. I'll be alone in this world.
> ...


Thank you for your reply. I helps . I do have a lot of insecurities. I’m just trying to work on myself and keep moving forward


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You have insecurity that you need to work on probably in therapy. You're obsessing too. I think maybe seeing a psychologist before this gets out of control and ruins your relationship is a good idea.
> 
> I mean, not to make matters worse, but if he is that good looking, yeah, other women are after him. What you need to do is work on yourself so that you understand that if it ends, life goes on. I'm afraid you might have your self worth tied up in being attached to him, but I don't know that for sure. It's sometimes the case with people that afraid to lose someone. Like you couldn't feel good about yourself if he left? That wouldn't be healthy. You need to be enough for yourself and always know you will survive and life will go on.


I agree with this.

Also, you risk self-jeopardizing by being too clingy in the relationship. By desperately grasping to something you don't want to lose can actually create a dynamic that influences the opposite to occur. However, to learn how to trust that he loves you (and knowing that you are worthy of love and can also be okay without the relationship) and how to learn not to obsess / try to control things that are beyond your own accountabilities, which sounds like insecurity and anxiety, I would suggest that learning more about yourself potentially through therapy would be the way to go.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you have to ask for reassurance, I wouldn’t think that the answer is necessarily trustworthy.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Thanks for your reply. We were long distance for the first three years so it’s not really 5 full years . To be honest I’m not sure why I’m like this for some reason he brings out a lot of insecurities in me. I put him on a pedestal and I almost wish I didn’t feel so strongly about him. It feels unhealthy


Two years of living together is still long enough for him to reassure you. All I can think of is that you have judged your feelings unhealthy for some reason and you never shared the extent of your feelings with your partner. You ask to be told he loved you more but did you ever explain how you really feel about things and him? If not, well, this in a way prevented him from properly reassuring you. I do find it strange that he insists on withholding saying I love you when you clearly like to hear it more than he says it. This is his issue to resolve not yours. He clearly loves you or he wouldn't be with you for two years and make it through 3 years of long-distance (a lot), so what is the problem in saying it as often as you'd like to hear it?

He might bring out a lot of insecurities in you because you care and becasue he never learned the proper way to pressure you. Try talking to him as honestly as you did here. If my husband felt the way you do, I'd be flattered, slightly aroused and would do my best to learn to reassure him in exactly the way he needs to be reassured. How old are you guys? Are you sure you aren't just very young and hard on yourself and your partner simply needs to learn how to properly reassure you.

I will come back to this thread later when I have a bit more time. I have a nagging suspicion that there's nothing wrong with the way you love your partner. If you were unhealthy about it, you would likely never see it that way. maybe the solution will be just to start honestly sharing how you really feel and why, all of it. All the scary insecurities. Your partner might yet surprise you. Once he understands the feelings behind your need for him to verbalise affection and love more, he might happily do that. I'm hugging you very much and hang in there. Don't be so hard on yourself.


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## Ruben (Apr 16, 2021)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Hi everyone I’m new to this forum. I just wanted to find some advice or to see if anyone else is in the same boat as me. I have been living with my partner for just under two years but we’ve been together for five years I am so obsessed with him that it kind of scares me. I’m really jealous and I’m working on that..all I do is think about him all day. I keep trying and trying to think of myself and work on myself but I am so obsessed with him. I think he is the most handsome man on earth and therefore I think anyone who talks to him must want him too 😬. I am really working on this and I hope everyone doesn’t think I sound crazy. I just feel like our relationship is out of balance. I know it’s not a game of who loves who more than who but I just feel like it’s so one sided. He is more casual and I mean he’s into me but not as much as I am to him if that makes sense.. anyway anyone else in this boat with me or anyone have any tips on how to love someone and stay with them but let them go a little so this love doesn’t feel so scary and stressful.


How does he take it?


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You have insecurity that you need to work on probably in therapy. You're obsessing too. I think maybe seeing a psychologist before this gets out of control and ruins your relationship is a good idea.
> 
> I mean, not to make matters worse, but if he is that good looking, yeah, other women are after him. What you need to do is work on yourself so that you understand that if it ends, life goes on. I'm afraid you might have your self worth tied up in being attached to him, but I don't know that for sure. It's sometimes the case with people that afraid to lose someone. Like you couldn't feel good about yourself if he left? That wouldn't be healthy. You need to be enough for yourself and always know you will survive and life will go on.


I do have insecurities for sure and I have been told in many areas of my life that I'm too hard on myself. I have worked with therapist in the past who have told me that I have a core belief that there is something wrong with me or that I'm always searching investigating almost for reason to confirm this belief. I am having a call today with a new therapist since I haven't seen one for a few years.
My guy isn't that good looking like not the most good looking person out there . I think just to me mostly, ,,,,because I put him on such a high pedestal which in turn puts me even lower down. I do honestly feel it's me I have to work on. I appreciate everyones input.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> Two years of living together is still long enough for him to reassure you. All I can think of is that you have judged your feelings unhealthy for some reason and you never shared the extent of your feelings with your partner. You ask to be told he loved you more but did you ever explain how you really feel about things and him? If not, well, this in a way prevented him from properly reassuring you. I do find it strange that he insists on withholding saying I love you when you clearly like to hear it more than he says it. This is his issue to resolve not yours. He clearly loves you or he wouldn't be with you for two years and make it through 3 years of long-distance (a lot), so what is the problem in saying it as often as you'd like to hear it?
> 
> He might bring out a lot of insecurities in you because you care and becasue he never learned the proper way to pressure you. Try talking to him as honestly as you did here. If my husband felt the way you do, I'd be flattered, slightly aroused and would do my best to learn to reassure him in exactly the way he needs to be reassured. How old are you guys? Are you sure you aren't just very young and hard on yourself and your partner simply needs to learn how to properly reassure you.
> 
> I will come back to this thread later when I have a bit more time. I have a nagging suspicion that there's nothing wrong with the way you love your partner. If you were unhealthy about it, you would likely never see it that way. maybe the solution will be just to start honestly sharing how you really feel and why, all of it. All the scary insecurities. Your partner might yet surprise you. Once he understands the feelings behind your need for him to verbalise affection and love more, he might happily do that. I'm hugging you very much and hang in there. Don't be so hard on yourself.


Honestly, I'm old enough to not feel this way. I was in a much longer relationship before this one. My previous relationship was flipped i was the one on the pedestal I was the one who felt my partner was more into me than I was to him. I may be making this more of an issue in my head than it actually is but I'm realizing it is much harder to be in a relationship when you are the one who loves more there is more fear this way. At least in my experience right now. I have talked to him honestly and many times. I think I've pushed it now so much that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and gets defensive if I bring it up. He says he doesn't understand, he says he doesn't ever see me as second best, he almost gets annoyed now saying you still doubt my love for you. I wonder sometimes if my fear is making me sabotage this relationship. I'm thinking maybe If I push him enough he'll leave and I won't have to feel this fear of losing him anymore. It sounds crazy and illogical really but I'm getting more and more confused when it comes to my feelings for him. I'm hoping that a therapist might help me figure myself out. thank you for the virtual hug. I really appreciate everyones replies. It is so helpful. Even just writing out how I'm feeling is helping me to see my situation a little differently. thank you


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Honestly, I'm old enough to not feel this way. I was in a much longer relationship before this one. My previous relationship was flipped i was the one on the pedestal I was the one who felt my partner was more into me than I was to him. I may be making this more of an issue in my head than it actually is but I'm realizing it is much harder to be in a relationship when you are the one who loves more there is more fear this way. At least in my experience right now. I have talked to him honestly and many times. I think I've pushed it now so much that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and gets defensive if I bring it up. He says he doesn't understand, he says he doesn't ever see me as second best, he almost gets annoyed now saying you still doubt my love for you. I wonder sometimes if my fear is making me sabotage this relationship. I'm thinking maybe If I push him enough he'll leave and I won't have to feel this fear of losing him anymore. It sounds crazy and illogical really but I'm getting more and more confused when it comes to my feelings for him. I'm hoping that a therapist might help me figure myself out. thank you for the virtual hug. I really appreciate everyones replies. It is so helpful. Even just writing out how I'm feeling is helping me to see my situation a little differently. thank you


It's good you are seeking talking therapies as well as writing your feelings down.

I don't quite understand though, how you measure who is into whom more? I am trying to decide who is in love more with whom, between me and my husband and honestly, I wouldn't know how to gauge something like that.

Do you mind giving us examples of why you love more now and you loved less in your previous relationship?

It's wonderful that you are very self-aware. I hope you guys figure this one soon enough. You shouldn't be living in all that anxiety and fear.

Edit: I went through the thread carefully. I still don't understand your partner's defensive resistance towards reassuring you. You seem very self-aware, you are working on your issues in therapy, you love him very much. I say you are a keeper and he should make every effort to learn your love language and use it willingly and abundantly.

What did you mean when you said he is very affectionate but still you need more reassurance? What is the reassurance that you need? I agree with whoever has said that marriage is a superior form of relationship to living together. 

The being too hard on yourself and that core belief that there is something wrong with you has been planted there in your early development. This isn't anything your partner has done. Explain that to him as he seems to feel guilty that you feel this way. Nobody is guilty, not even the people who put it there as they themselves had parents and guardians who damaged them in a similar way and they went on to pass it on. But you, you can break this cycle. Your partner can help you. 

Lastly, there is something wrong with all of us, but you don't seem like there is too much wrong with you. You seem a loving, introspective, wonderful person. You guys just need to communicate more openly. Your partner should share why he gets very defensive and why he is taking your core beliefs about yourself personally.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> It's good you are seeking talking therapies as well as writing your feelings down.
> 
> I don't quite understand though, how you measure who is into whom more? I am trying to decide who is in love more with whom, between me and my husband and honestly, I wouldn't know how to gauge something like that.
> 
> ...


Hi, well on the surface I'm always to one to give compliments and say I love you always trying to get physically close to him. He is affectionate too but less so. It almost feels embarrassing how much i compliment him I can't stop myself but he doesn't do it much back to me. He used to by text when we were long distance, but now that we live together I don't get that kind of attention from him. Actually when I think about it it's more of a feeling that I have in my gut. I'm so much more jealous in this relationship than I have ever been and that I can't explain. We live together and because of cover the only people he talks to are online, he belongs to forums like this geared towards his other interests. I can't shake the feeling that he doesn't want to really be with me. I fell that I am a consolation prize..I'm trying to work out if this feeling is intuition or fear. From what I've read intuition is more calm and knowing and fear is more urgent and anxious. This fear I feel in this relationship is definitely more anxious and urgent. We do have lots of good times together. I'm focusing more on this issue with not feeling good enough and jealousy that is new to me. I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel this way. At this point he says it's an inside job and I need to work on myself and not focus on him so much. I know it's true what he says. He is more secure in himself than me. I haven't been single since i was an early teen. I've never really gotten to know myself. I think being with him puts a microscope on that fact, because he does really know himself. He's spent time alone and has gotten to know himself over the years, and he is a pretty secure person. Maybe I'm more jealous of that fact... that he has that for himself and I can't seem to get there. I don't know how to get that for myself. I probably should have been alone at some point in my adult life to work on myself but now I'm in this relationship I don't want it to end it but it's really showing me some things about myself that I don't really like.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Hi, well on the surface I'm always to one to give compliments and say I love you always trying to get physically close to him. He is affectionate too but less so. It almost feels embarrassing how much i compliment him I can't stop myself but he doesn't do it much back to me. He used to by text when we were long distance, but now that we live together I don't get that kind of attention from him. Actually when I think about it it's more of a feeling that I have in my gut. I'm so much more jealous in this relationship than I have ever been and that I can't explain. We live together and because of cover the only people he talks to are online, he belongs to forums like this geared towards his other interests. I can't shake the feeling that he doesn't want to really be with me. I fell that I am a consolation prize..I'm trying to work out if this feeling is intuition or fear. From what I've read intuition is more calm and knowing and fear is more urgent and anxious. This fear I feel in this relationship is definitely more anxious and urgent. We do have lots of good times together. I'm focusing more on this issue with not feeling good enough and jealousy that is new to me. I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel this way. At this point he says it's an inside job and I need to work on myself and not focus on him so much. I know it's true what he says. He is more secure in himself than me. I haven't been single since i was an early teen. I've never really gotten to know myself. I think being with him puts a microscope on that fact, because he does really know himself. He's spent time alone and has gotten to know himself over the years, and he is a pretty secure person. Maybe I'm more jealous of that fact... that he has that for himself and I can't seem to get there. I don't know how to get that for myself. I probably should have been alone at some point in my adult life to work on myself but now I'm in this relationship I don't want it to end it but it's really showing me some things about myself that I don't really like.


oops "covid" not "cover


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Hi, well on the surface I'm always to one to give compliments and say I love you always trying to get physically close to him. He is affectionate too but less so. It almost feels embarrassing how much i compliment him I can't stop myself but he doesn't do it much back to me. He used to by text when we were long distance, but now that we live together I don't get that kind of attention from him. Actually when I think about it it's more of a feeling that I have in my gut. I'm so much more jealous in this relationship than I have ever been and that I can't explain. We live together and because of cover the only people he talks to are online, he belongs to forums like this geared towards his other interests. I can't shake the feeling that he doesn't want to really be with me. I fell that I am a consolation prize..I'm trying to work out if this feeling is intuition or fear. From what I've read intuition is more calm and knowing and fear is more urgent and anxious. This fear I feel in this relationship is definitely more anxious and urgent. We do have lots of good times together. I'm focusing more on this issue with not feeling good enough and jealousy that is new to me. I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel this way. At this point he says it's an inside job and I need to work on myself and not focus on him so much. I know it's true what he says. He is more secure in himself than me. I haven't been single since i was an early teen. I've never really gotten to know myself. I think being with him puts a microscope on that fact, because he does really know himself. He's spent time alone and has gotten to know himself over the years, and he is a pretty secure person. Maybe I'm more jealous of that fact... that he has that for himself and I can't seem to get there. I don't know how to get that for myself. I probably should have been alone at some point in my adult life to work on myself but now I'm in this relationship I don't want it to end it but it's really showing me some things about myself that I don't really like.


I don't know why but I keep thinking that about half of this could be solved if your partner was a bit more generous with reassurance and affection. The other half, that dreadful feeling in your gut, that you do need to work through in therapy and you will. 

It isn't an intuition it's fear. 

Your partner has the luxury of being calm about you cos you bravely put yourself out there for him. You aren't afraid to show how very madly in love you are with him. Perhaps I'm wrong but maybe your partner could be a bit more understanding and greatful. 

Yah, it would have been good for your development if you had a period in your late teens or early 20s when you could have dated casually and grew the necessary synapses to have that confidence in yourself and your ability to satisfy your partner and keep him...But we don't choose our life path. No point in dwelling of what have been ideal for your development. You guys need to play the hand you were dealt and just help you get there in this relationship and sans the casual dating period.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> It's good you are seeking talking therapies as well as writing your feelings down.
> 
> I don't quite understand though, how you measure who is into whom more? I am trying to decide who is in love more with whom, between me and my husband and honestly, I wouldn't know how to gauge something like that.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. I felt quite emotional reading that. I do agree that he should learn my love language.. I don't really understand why it's so hard for him to do that. On the flip side though my feeling of not being good enough makes me also not ask for too much. I don't like to push it or ask for too much from him because of my feeling of not being worthy to ask for what I want. Then I might be upset because he doesn't just know what I need without me saying and to be a mind reader. Which is another thing he has said to me. He's not a mind reader.. It would be nice if we were married but he isn't into that I was married before this so not sure if I am into an actual marriage again.. he did say once a while ago that we could do a commitment ceremony but that fell away and was never brought up again by either of us. I think the reassurance I need is the kind of attention I give him mostly compliments and words I guess. He has said he feels the need to fix or help me when I get very insecure, I think he feels that is a lot of pressure and when it gets too much he will say "It's not really my job to fix your insecurities".. I have had a previous therapist tell me it's not fair to lay that at his feet. I think I have some childhood issue that I've never dealt with and that is a lot to ask someone to just fix that emptiness inside me. I think even if he really kept trying he couldn't do it. He does agree that therapy would help me.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> I don't know why but I keep thinking that about half of this could be solved if your partner was a bit more generous with reassurance and affection. The other half, that dreadful feeling in your gut, that you do need to work through in therapy and you will.
> 
> It isn't an intuition it's fear.
> 
> ...


Thanks, it's true I do feel like i'm not appreciated. I have said those words to him "I don't feel appreciated" He usually comes back with I have moved across the country for you. What more do you want from me". That makes me feel that I AM asking too much from him. He has relocated to a new city for our relationship. but I guess he feels whatever he does it's never enough to quell my deep feeling of not being enough. but... I do need to hear I love you more often. In my family growing up no-one said i love you ...ever.. I mean my parents are good people but it was a very British household.. stiff upper lip.. don't show too much emotion kind of household..so maybe that's part of the problem


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> I don't know why but I keep thinking that about half of this could be solved if your partner was a bit more generous with reassurance and affection. The other half, that dreadful feeling in your gut, that you do need to work through in therapy and you will.
> 
> It isn't an intuition it's fear.
> 
> ...


I think I am a bit emotionally stunted from not having time alone.. Oh well I guess it's time now to work on this. you're right no point dwelling on what could have been


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Thanks, it's true I do feel like i'm not appreciated. I have said those words to him "I don't feel appreciated" He usually comes back with I have moved across the country for you. What more do you want from me". That makes me feel that I AM asking too much from him. He has relocated to a new city for our relationship. but I guess he feels whatever he does it's never enough to quell my deep feeling of not being enough. but... I do need to hear I love you more often. In my family growing up no-one said i love you ...ever.. I mean my parents are good people but it was a very British household.. stiff upper lip.. don't show too much emotion kind of household..so maybe that's part of the problem


Honestly, you seem very dreamy to me. Maybe cos you remind me of my husband. He had to teach me, to show me it's OK to show emotions. Maybe you can do the same for your partner. For sure you are someone very aware of her own issues and flaws and I am inclined to put at least half of this problem on your partner having some unresolved issue with showing emotions and refusing to accept he has one.

Would he rather you went on to perpetuate your very British early programming? Instead of you showering him with emotions and shining through your stiff upper lip early programing?

Honestly, there is only one thing he should say to your "I don't feel appreaciated". What can I do to change that?

If that means learning your love language then he absolutely should. Moving for you is wonderful, but he also moved for himself, so he could be with you. This is a poor excuse for withholding affection.

Is everything you said about yourself and your issues true, for sure. But at least you know your issues and are working to resolve them. Your partner, on the other hand, seems painfully unaware of his own issues. Telling your partner it's an inside job when they are asking for more affection and appreciation is a terribly rude thing to say. 

I don't like the way he is asking this all about you. I suspect he might be as scared as you are and he just shows it in different ways. You can still teach him to show affection freely. Take it from a woman whose been saved and taught by the love of a good man with whom you share some very charming similarities. Do not give up on your grumpy guy yet, There might be a volcano of love and affection in there somewhere. Keep prodding. 

BTW, if you guys made it through 3 years of long-distance and two years of living together I see no reason why this shouldn't and couldn't last forever. Just keep looking for that place he hid away to perhaps survive his own childhood. There is hope for him yet.

Honestly, my husband is the best thing that has ever and ever will happen to me. And he's a guy so whatever cling you think you have times testosterone.  In reality, the way he is has saved me. He was everything I didn't even know I needed. Try thinking of yourself that way. Your immense passion and need for affection that you give first and willingly is a wonderful gift to your ever so slightly emotionally stunted partner.

If this man has stuck with you through so many years of the long-distance then I'm sure he feels you are a gift he just never learned to express it. teach him. As he becomes more expressive you will grow to be more reassured and things will balance out.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Dear OP, you should know. When I first met my husband he's passion and affection scared me. Before him, I never met anyone with such a capacity for love and I thought this cannot possibly be about me. This man is in love with his idea of me and when I don't live up to that he will leave me. Years later he never left me. We changed each other a lot and we both think we are better people for it and it wasn't always pleasant or pain-free but oh my God it is worth it. The best thing is, I have completely come to his side of things. I could never imagine myself married to someone less affectionate or have to show less affection in my marriage. In a way, I used to show my core belief that I'm just not that great or lovable by withholding emotions from my partner and not taking his displays of emotions seriously. He's healed me and I grew the confidence to give and receive affection and love.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> I do have insecurities for sure and I have been told in many areas of my life that I'm too hard on myself. I have worked with therapist in the past who have told me that I have a core belief that there is something wrong with me or that I'm always searching investigating almost for reason to confirm this belief. I am having a call today with a new therapist since I haven't seen one for a few years.
> My guy isn't that good looking like not the most good looking person out there . I think just to me mostly, ,,,,because I put him on such a high pedestal which in turn puts me even lower down. I do honestly feel it's me I have to work on. I appreciate everyones input.


Maybe you'll make some more progress with the next therapist. It's just very important that you don't project a bunch of stuff onto your husband to the point where he gets really sick of it and decides he may as well be cheating since you think he is anyway. Desperation is not attractive and you need to take that to heart. 

Overtime if you don't value yourself any more than that it will be hard for him to. You need to stop saying or doing things that will make you pathetic in his eyes. So yes by all means get back into therapy and be sure you learn to control your behavior on that first up.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> Honestly, you seem very dreamy to me. Maybe cos you remind me of my husband. He had to teach me, to show me it's OK to show emotions. Maybe you can do the same for your partner. For sure you are someone very aware of her own issues and flaws and I am inclined to put at least half of this problem on your partner having some unresolved issue with showing emotions and refusing to accept he has one.
> 
> Would he rather you went on to perpetuate your very British early programming? Instead of you showering him with emotions and shining through your stiff upper lip early programing?
> 
> ...


You are correct he had his own dysfunctional childhood. A lot of negativity toward him and harshness thrown at him. I think his relationship with his parents shut him down emotionally. Your reply helps me thing about putting a different spin on things, instead of making it something bad about myself, I'm making it wrong that I want to express my love for him. Maybe I can keep giving it but not desperately wanting it back, just while I try to soften him a bit. He does show glimpses of love back to me and when he does it is really amazing and beautiful. It falls away though (maybe because it scares him too) and he shuts it down and that part really scares me. Thank you so much. This forum has helped me so much in the past few days. I'm so glad I found it


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Maybe you'll make some more progress with the next therapist. It's just very important that you don't project a bunch of stuff onto your husband to the point where he gets really sick of it and decides he may as well be cheating since you think he is anyway. Desperation is not attractive and you need to take that to heart.
> 
> Overtime if you don't value yourself any more than that it will be hard for him to. You need to stop saying or doing things that will make you pathetic in his eyes. So yes by all means get back into therapy and be sure you learn to control your behavior on that first up.


I know I'm always cognizant of the the phrase "we teach people how to treat us" thank you for the advice.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> Dear OP, you should know. When I first met my husband he's passion and affection scared me. Before him, I never met anyone with such a capacity for love and I thought this cannot possibly be about me. This man is in love with his idea of me and when I don't live up to that he will leave me. Years later he never left me. We changed each other a lot and we both think we are better people for it and it wasn't always pleasant or pain-free but oh my God it is worth it. The best thing is, I have completely come to his side of things. I could never imagine myself married to someone less affectionate or have to show less affection in my marriage. In a way, I used to show my core belief that I'm just not that great or lovable by withholding emotions from my partner and not taking his displays of emotions seriously. He's healed me and I grew the confidence to give and receive affection and love.


Oh my goodness. Thank you for letting me know this about when you first met your husband. I hadn't thought of it this way for him. 🙂


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I haven't read but just the first few responses so this may have already been said but OP you have built this man up to mythical proportions in your head. He's just a guy and seeing him as just an average guy with average attributes and characteristics is what you need to do. He really is just a guy. You see him as something so special and magical and important that you've gotten to where those thoughts scare the bejeezus out of you. He's not extraordinary and powerful, he's just a guy. And you deserve this special very ordinary average guy, let him love you his way.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Thanks, it's true I do feel like i'm not appreciated. I have said those words to him "I don't feel appreciated" He usually comes back with I have moved across the country for you. What more do you want from me".


He seems to be confusing past with present.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Not said:


> I haven't read but just the first few responses so this may have already been said but OP you have built this man up to mythical proportions in your head. He's just a guy and seeing him as just an average guy with average attributes and characteristics is what you need to do. He really is just a guy. You see him as something so special and magical and important that you've gotten to where those thoughts scare the bejeezus out of you. He's not extraordinary and powerful, he's just a guy. And you deserve this special very ordinary average guy, let him love you his way.


Part of working on myself will be taking him off of the pedestal. See my own worth hopefully.... 
I make far too many things about him. or what he thinks of me... I'm thinking I have a lot of work to do...


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Hi everyone, thank you for all your replies. Part two of my relationship issue is I have a lot of Jealousy. (I'm not sure as I'm new to this forum should this be a new post or can I continue it on this one?) Anyway here goes... As I said in my previous post I've put my partner on a pedestal I think this adds to my insecurities which in turn adds to my jealousy. My main issue which triggers my jealousy is Facebook. He is part of a few groups and when he isn't working he goes on there a lot and makes new friends male and female. One of the groups is a support group for a health issue he has. This group he talks with the most. I'm torn because I feel like he should have a separate self from us and he gives and gets support from this one group.. but I get nervous if he is on there too long and worry about who he is talking to. I have brought it up a few times and he will show me the posts and the messages and I haven't seen anything really suspicious in them. Part of me always wants to check in on this though. I have kept quiet about it for a while with him. He gets annoyed and defensive and feels insulted if I talk about how his time on Facebook makes me jealous. I feel like these online connections can turn romantic even if they never see each other in person. This really makes me anxious. Anyone else have this issue, or if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You don't have enough information to go into the panic mode yet. You have enough information to start your investigation. If he always goes on Facebook at certain times, what happens if you suggest that you and he do something different, like sex? Does he refuse because he'd rather be on Facebook? If so, social media is interfering in your personal life, and it may be a problem independent of him having improper relationships with others online. If he continues getting mad and refuses to communicate with you, you and he need marriage counseling immediately.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Hi everyone, thank you for all your replies. Part two of my relationship issue is I have a lot of Jealousy. (I'm not sure as I'm new to this forum should this be a new post or can I continue it on this one?) Anyway here goes... As I said in my previous post I've put my partner on a pedestal I think this adds to my insecurities which in turn adds to my jealousy. My main issue which triggers my jealousy is Facebook. He is part of a few groups and when he isn't working he goes on there a lot and makes new friends male and female. One of the groups is a support group for a health issue he has. This group he talks with the most. I'm torn because I feel like he should have a separate self from us and he gives and gets support from this one group.. but I get nervous if he is on there too long and worry about who he is talking to. I have brought it up a few times and he will show me the posts and the messages and I haven't seen anything really suspicious in them. Part of me always wants to check in on this though. I have kept quiet about it for a while with him. He gets annoyed and defensive and feels insulted if I talk about how his time on Facebook makes me jealous. I feel like these online connections can turn romantic even if they never see each other in person. This really makes me anxious. Anyone else have this issue, or if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.


Actually, as a couple, you should make friends together. Support groups are different to Facebook groups since facebook is mostly for socialising. How many hours a day is he on facebook?

I mean, I really don't know what a grown man with a job and a partner is doing making friends on facebook.

My husband and I are friends with other couples. Some of them we met as couples, some our friends before we were together whose partners we've also befriended. I would be very uncomfortable if my husband started spending hours on social media and making "friends".

Nothing to do with not trusting him or wanting to see his messages, I just don't see that as something married people should do.

I might be heavily biased because I simply like you but seems to me that at least some of the problems you guys have could be avoided if your partner was better at commitment. Again, doesn't mean he's a bad person or consciously failing to commit properly, he just never learned what real intimacy is like.

It's not the fact that he has hobbies outside the two of you it's how he goes about them and where are they on his priority list relative to you and time spent with you.

Don't place all of this on you alone, this is both of your inability to communicate and negotiate properly. Relationships are, among other things, loads of successful negatiations.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Honestly, I'm old enough to not feel this way. I was in a much longer relationship before this one. My previous relationship was flipped i was the one on the pedestal I was the one who felt my partner was more into me than I was to him. I may be making this more of an issue in my head than it actually is but I'm realizing it is much harder to be in a relationship when you are the one who loves more there is more fear this way. At least in my experience right now. I have talked to him honestly and many times. I think I've pushed it now so much that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and gets defensive if I bring it up. He says he doesn't understand, he says he doesn't ever see me as second best, he almost gets annoyed now saying you still doubt my love for you. I wonder sometimes if my fear is making me sabotage this relationship. I'm thinking maybe If I push him enough he'll leave and I won't have to feel this fear of losing him anymore. It sounds crazy and illogical really but I'm getting more and more confused when it comes to my feelings for him. I'm hoping that a therapist might help me figure myself out. thank you for the virtual hug. I really appreciate everyones replies. It is so helpful. Even just writing out how I'm feeling is helping me to see my situation a little differently. thank you


You answered your own question.

You have two minds.

One of them is miserable with this need, the other is smothering him away.

To us, it sounds like you subconsciously love your man and yet cannot live with yourself when over-doing this.

You are standing too close to the flame. You know it burns, yet you let it harm you. 

Obsessive compulsive is the one of you, the other is flat frazzled with these dependent reactions.

You keep trying to climb inside him to escape from yourself.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Sfort said:


> You don't have enough information to go into the panic mode yet. You have enough information to start your investigation. If he always goes on Facebook at certain times, what happens if you suggest that you and he do something different, like sex? Does he refuse because he'd rather be on Facebook? If so, social media is interfering in your personal life, and it may be a problem independent of him having improper relationships with others online. If he continues getting mad and refuses to communicate with you, you and he need marriage counseling immediately.


I do go into panic mode sometimes.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> Actually, as a couple, you should make friends together. Support groups are different to Facebook groups since facebook is mostly for socialising. How many hours a day is he on facebook?
> 
> I mean, I really don't know what a grown man with a job and a partner is doing making friends on facebook.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. I agree. I've said to him it doesn't seem right that you have friends that I don't know. He brushes it off and says its just if they have friends in common or if they are part of a music group.. etc.. I don't know I'm getting overwhelmed by it. I can't even bring it up because he says he is always feeling accused when I get upset about Facebook. He says in reality he has given up his job apartment friends for us to move across the country and relocate. In a way I see what he is saying I mean I have male friends but they are either from work or college..these are people he doesn't know but somehow it feels different if it's someone I worked with or went to school with. Today I talked to him and said I need support I don't think I have it I mean emotional support. He said call on your girlfriends.. and I said I thought that a partner is supposed to be support too. He said I don't need that kind of support so why do you. He is very okay being alone and doesn't really rely on anyone..He feels I get anxious in general and am looking for somewhere to put it and I blame him for a lot of my anxiety. This is how he is feeling about it. I do get anxious and will find myself starting arguments with him, I think I do this because I want something even if it's anger. He says I should sit with the anxiety to try to deal with it and not try to find a place to put it. I am an anxious person in general. My mother is very anxious and I can see where it comes from when I spend time with her. Oh boy i'm babbling now.. I'm looking to start therapy to first deal with my anxiety. I appreciate all the messages on here though they help


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> You answered your own question.
> 
> You have two minds.
> 
> ...


This is interesting. I have honestly felt OCD when it comes to him. I have been trying CBT with my strong thoughts of worry that come up when I think of our relationship. Just writing out my automatic thought and evidence to support it and evidence that doesn't support and an alternate more balanced though. I did this in my twenties when I was having panic attacks it helped a lot in that area. So I am trying this in this area. With the panic attacks it took a long time and a lot of writing out on cognitive behavioral therapy charts to curb my automatic scary thought. This forum is showing me how much I need this again but now for my relationship..


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Living together two years and you think of him all of the time.....how old are you both and are there any children involved? I know my mind would get a hard grip on a gentleman and I had a hard time focusing, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Trust me, not all women see your guy as handsome as you do, part of that is the bonding you have between you so I don't think you need to worry about the jealous feelings.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Thanks for your reply. I agree. I've said to him it doesn't seem right that you have friends that I don't know. He brushes it off and says its just if they have friends in common or if they are part of a music group.. etc.. I don't know I'm getting overwhelmed by it. I can't even bring it up because he says he is always feeling accused when I get upset about Facebook. He says in reality he has given up his job apartment friends for us to move across the country and relocate. In a way I see what he is saying I mean I have male friends but they are either from work or college..these are people he doesn't know but somehow it feels different if it's someone I worked with or went to school with. Today I talked to him and said I need support I don't think I have it I mean emotional support. He said call on your girlfriends.. and I said I thought that a partner is supposed to be support too. He said I don't need that kind of support so why do you. He is very okay being alone and doesn't really rely on anyone..He feels I get anxious in general and am looking for somewhere to put it and I blame him for a lot of my anxiety. This is how he is feeling about it. I do get anxious and will find myself starting arguments with him, I think I do this because I want something even if it's anger. He says I should sit with the anxiety to try to deal with it and not try to find a place to put it. I am an anxious person in general. My mother is very anxious and I can see where it comes from when I spend time with her. Oh boy i'm babbling now.. I'm looking to start therapy to first deal with my anxiety. I appreciate all the messages on here though they help


You aren't babbling. You are genetically and in the way you were raised by an anxious mother perhaps more anxious than you would like to be. You also know you are and have gotten and are going to get help for it and deal with it.

All this doesn't excuse your partner's behaviour.

Seems to me that every time he is doing something very many people would not consider OK, if done by their partner and, more importantly, something you aren't OK with him doing, he brings up how he moved for you and blah blah. He didn't move for you. In many ways, he moved for himself, so he can be with a woman he loves and wanted to be with. He needs to stop framing it as if he did you a favour here. He moved so you could be together, so that was for both of you. Also, this one thing he did for your relationship and both of you doesn't mean he gets to behave badly. He also needs to stop shrinking you, he isn't good at it (and even if he was a professional it's rude to shrink your partner) and to deny emotional support to your partner is rude and hurtful.

He isn't being fair to you. His way to deal with his unresolved issues is to become cold, detached, unemotional and rude towards you when instead he should focus his energy on trying to resolve his issues. Especially since he can see how much his issues and ways are hurting someone who loves him very much, whom he is supposed to love. 

I do believe he loves you, why else would he stick around, move and put up with your behaviour that (though justified in my eyes) has got to be very annoying for him. I do think he loves you, it's just hidden by layers of patterns of behaviour he learned in order to survive his own childhood and upbringing. Do not take his behaviour as a lack of love. Also, love isn't a set amount that we feel and that's it. Let's say you are right and you do love him more, right now, than he loves you. (I don't think this is true, I think he is simply scared of love and true intimacy but for the sake of the argument let's pretend it is true.) You can in time and with your love and patience open this person up and show him, teach him that you are nothing like his parents and caregivers, or his ex-partners and that it's OK to open up to you and show true emotions and engage in true intimacy. I've seen this happen in my own life. My husband did it for me.

His capacity for love might surprise you yet.

Just stop worrying or feeling down that he doesn't love you the way you want him to, the way you need him to and focus your energy on opening him up and teaching him how to love you properly.

I suspect the sexual part of things works well for you guys, based on what you did say at one point that: "He is very affectionate towards me so I really don’t have a lot to complain about..." This has to be based on something since otherwise, he doesn't seem very affectionate. Use the sexual chemistry, use that wonderful well of emotions you managed to save from your stiff upper lip upbringing to open your partner up. He will thank you for it yet.

I have all this faith in your partner because my reasoning here is that if he didn't have an immense capacity for love and a secret desire to be opened up and taught true intimacy, he wouldn't have ended up with you for 5 years and counting. He would have simply sought out someone like himself, closed off and detached.

I can understand your impulse to start an argument to get at least some emotions out of him, even if they are angry and negative ones and also when there is an argument there's the hope of actual communication, especially if he shuts down and goes radio silence in a way when you have a disagreement. But maybe try and not get angry yourself. Stop looking at your situation as you caring more and him being on his way out, and instead consider that you are his chance at true love and intimacy. That he needs your love and affection and courage to withstand actual intimacy to open him up.

Stop looking at his behaviour that is inappropriate and bad as his lack of love for you and start seeing a scared and confused little boy trying to survive his childhood, since that is who he was when he developed his coping mechanisms.

I am not saying you aren't allowed to be annoyed and angry, of course you are, I'm saying you will get less annoyed and angry if you try and understand that in his own way he chose you for a reason. He might well want you to take that scared and confused little boy and show him that now you are his family and you are nothing like the family who made him detached and aloof and afraid to feel emotions and show them freely. Afraid of surrendering to his partner.

His lack of trust that your requests are reasonable ones shows his fear of surrender and true commitment cos probably in the past surrendering to someone and letting his guard down (probably right from his early childhood and people responsible for his upbringing) he never got love but narcissim.

I am basing all this on you being a lot like Mr Ashleigh and your bf acting a lot like I did in the beginning of my relationship and only you know how much of it applies to you and your partner, but it can perhaps give you a new outlook on things. Don't give up on him yet. He might surprise you. Also, once your mind understands that there is a completely different way of understanding your partner, other than, he simply doesn't care as much as you do, you will naturally be💖💝 less anxious.

I was literally confused by both my husband's emotions and affection and his masculinity. I had never encounter either. Before my husband, I had never been in a relationship (counting my family ties) with anyone who was even capable of the true depth of emotions nor anyone who truly loved me and/or showered me with emotions because they cared nor a truly masculine man. Both scared me. Both saved me.

If your partner never got true love and affection or came into close personal relationship contact with a truly feminine and nurturing woman, he will be intimidated by that and his way of dealing with something new and scary is detachment.

In the end, if this dysfunction that is the problem in your relationship will continue, you guys won't make it. At some point, either you or he will have had enough. But you shouldn't go down without a fight and if you change the way you are looking at these problems and his behaviour you will go from adding to your relationship's demise by being angry, anxious (which in turn will make you less reasonable than you are and potentially even downright clingy in an unhealthy way) to saving both your partner and your relationship by healing both.

I will say it again, five years isn't nothing. That three of those were long distance hasn't helped in reaching true intimacy but coupled with two years living together shows that you guys did find something in each other, something good, something you crave and need. The trouble and also the best thing about true intimacy and commitment is, it will bring to the surface all the unresolved issues of both of the partner. This can be very painful but it's also an opportunity of a lifetime to heal and grow together. If two people can manage to do that the relationship will survive and bring about the bliss of true intimacy and if two people do not show themselves resilient and brave enough to manage to heal and grow the relationship will end. You can cross that bridge if it ever comes to that, for now, focus on giving it your best shot. 

You got this. 💝💖💞


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

AVR1962 said:


> Living together two years and you think of him all of the time.....how old are you both and are there any children involved? I know my mind would get a hard grip on a gentleman and I had a hard time focusing, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Trust me, not all women see your guy as handsome as you do, part of that is the bonding you have between you so I don't think you need to worry about the jealous feelings.


I clarified earlier that he is just very handsome to me (after my original post which I put up when I was feeling quite emotional and vulnerable). The question of How old ar you and are there any children involved are both very condescending and insulting. I thought this was a safe place to share feelings, even if they are strong to me and overwhelming. I'm guessing by your reply that this isn't really safe and is judgmental online space. Thank you to the others who gave some constructive help. I think I will search elsewhere for support and say goodbye to this forum.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> I have honestly felt OCD when it comes to him. I have been trying CBT with my strong thoughts of worry that come up when I think of our relationship. Just writing out my automatic thought and evidence to support it and evidence that doesn't support and an alternate more balanced though. I did this in my twenties when I was having panic attacks it helped a lot in that area. So I am trying this in this area.


This is a good approach. 



Lovinlifemostly said:


> I thought this was a safe place to share feelings, even if they are strong to me and overwhelming. I'm guessing by your reply that this isn't really safe and is judgmental online space.


No, an online forum is definitely not a safe space. There are all kinds of people who will say all kinds of things. If you need a safe space, then you need a trustworthy person (therapist or friend) who knows how not to project their own stuff


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> This is a good approach.
> 
> 
> No, an online forum is definitely not a safe space. There are all kinds of people who will say all kinds of things. If you need a safe space, then you need a trustworthy person (therapist or friend) who knows how not to project their own stuff


Thank you. I am going to be in touch with a therapist this week. I realized that being given unqualified advice can do more damage than good. take care.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> I clarified earlier that he is just very handsome to me (after my original post which I put up when I was feeling quite emotional and vulnerable). The question of How old ar you and are there any children involved are both very condescending and insulting. I thought this was a safe place to share feelings, even if they are strong to me and overwhelming. I'm guessing by your reply that this isn't really safe and is judgmental online space. Thank you to the others who gave some constructive help. I think I will search elsewhere for support and say goodbye to this forum.


What happened?


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> You aren't babbling. You are genetically and in the way you were raised by an anxious mother perhaps more anxious than you would like to be. You also know you are and have gotten and are going to get help for it and deal with it.
> 
> All this doesn't excuse your partner's behaviour.
> 
> ...


wow thank you  <3


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> What happened?


It was this message. it just threw me. Maybe I'm overly sensitive..

"Living together two years and you think of him all of the time.....how old are you both and are there any children involved? I know my mind would get a hard grip on a gentleman and I had a hard time focusing, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Trust me, not all women see your guy as handsome as you do, part of that is the bonding you have between you so I don't think you need to worry about the jealous feelings."


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> wow thank you  <3


Anytime love. I agree that taking advice from people who have no business giving it can do more harm than good. There used to be some quite sensible people on this forum, some of them just aren't very active lately. Though you are right about being careful whose advice you take, Do not let judgy souls get to you, they don't know any better. I'm sorry I asked about your age too. I just wanted to know more about you and get a clearer picture. It isn't aimed to belittle any of your feelings. I think your feelings are brave and necessary and potentially your partner's salvation.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> Anytime love. I agree that taking advice from people who have no business giving it can do more harm than good. There used to be some quite sensible people on this forum, some of them just aren't very active lately. Though you are right about being careful whose advice you take, Do not let judgy souls get to you, they don't know any better. I'm sorry I asked about your age too. I just wanted to know more about you and get a clearer picture. It isn't aimed to belittle any of your feelings. I think your feelings are brave and necessary and potentially your partner's salvation.


Thank you. Your advice and input were wonderful that you gave me. I think the age question made me feel embarrassed and shame for feeling this way. I didn't get the same feeling when you asked me my age. I think it was the way it was written in that last message. Also, I'm feeling very emotional lately. I think I don't do well in this isolation life of covid. I didn't know how much I need people. I need love/attention like I need food and water. I start to go really unbalanced when I'm not getting enough, because of covid I think I'm laying that need very heavily on my partner. Thank you again for your replies.. <3


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> It was this message. it just threw me. Maybe I'm overly sensitive..
> 
> "Living together two years and you think of him all of the time.....how old are you both and are there any children involved? I know my mind would get a hard grip on a gentleman and I had a hard time focusing, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Trust me, not all women see your guy as handsome as you do, part of that is the bonding you have between you so I don't think you need to worry about the jealous feelings."


I didn't read that particular reply as condecending, but I could be wrong. It was a brief message and as such open to interpretation when it comes to the tone and the intention behind it. The way AVR1962 responds further will reveal their intentons. I unliked it just in case. 

You are not wrong, though, to be wary of whose advice you take. There are people on online forums, including this one, who come to engage in projection galore, as Laurentium pointed out, and who aren't skilled in advice-giving or versed in the Socratic method. But in this way the forum imitates life, things are just a bit more quick and transparent here, in a way.
IRL all these people give their bad and harmful advice one on one or in small groups, often to an overwhelmed person and in a way it's much worse. At least here everyone's writing is on full display to everyone else.

Edit: Maybe you are laying too much on your partner but probably not. As far as your partner goes well, he's got one job. To fill you with love and shower you with attention. You just keep opening him up. He will thank you for it yet.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Thank you. Your advice and input were wonderful that you gave me. I think the age question made me feel embarrassed and shame for feeling this way. I didn't get the same feeling when you asked me my age. I think it was the way it was written in that last message. Also, I'm feeling very emotional lately. I think I don't do well in this isolation life of covid. I didn't know how much I need people. I need love/attention like I need food and water. I start to go really unbalanced when I'm not getting enough, because of covid I think I'm laying that need very heavily on my partner. Thank you again for your replies.. <3


Your partner has one job, though, to fill you with love and shower you with attention. I think you are just wonderfully honest both with yourself and with others. That is a valuable and attractive quality in this world of deception and lies. You are also very self-aware, plus loving and giving. Your man could do a lot worse, A LOT. Even he knows it, that's why he is holding on to you for such a long time, even if his way to hold on to you is clumsy and deeply unsatisfactory to you or anyone seeking true intimacy and affection.


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