# Sexless Marriage



## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

So I have been on here years ago. I feel kind of resigned in trying when it comes to sex with my wife. We have been married for 13 years and for the last 6 no sex. a month ago we started and then-my wife admitted that she perhaps can continue this. She just seems to be completely checked out when it comes to sex with me or even anyone else. I am so confused to have asked her to go to counseling but what is more depressing is that I just feel exhausted of trying with her and communicating. Everything else in life seems ok as long as I leave her sleep at night. The last time we tried a month ago after such a long time she stated that maybe because she has not had any sex in 6 years that her private parts feel irritated since it's been so long. The last time I expressed things around sex and what I felt my needs were she suggested that I cant expect her to have sex just because I want to that she needs to feel like it and she even out of finding a message suggested if I needed to see or have sex with other people she won't hold it against me. I guess I am feeling so confused as even though I am only 52 and she is now 55, I just feel she is done with sex. She seems to spend more time with plants, cooking, and reading the news, I feel like I don't want to have to try so hard - its not feel fun anymore for me and I feel alienated that I seem to be the only one thinking of sex and that side of my life.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

sunchild15 said:


> I don't want to have to try so hard - its not feel fun anymore for me


This reminds me of a time when
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when I tried so hard
and got so far…
But in the end it didn’t even matter!

Six years is a long time. That’s six with absolutely nothing? If she’s saying that she wouldn’t hold it against you if you went elsewhere that’s not good.


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> This reminds me of a time when
> I kept everything inside
> And even though I tried, it all fell apart
> What it meant to me will eventually be
> ...


Its really confusing, its always a deflection back off to me - there is some kind of avoidance - we got close 4 weeks ago and then her reply was lets continue this another time because it was burning and then she said - I guess because its been so long I need to get something - she felt confused and said can we continue that was 4 weeks ago. I just feel like its way to much work on me to push or ask - I want her to be inspired to want to spend time with me. I just do not know what to do any more - I feel like I am being strung along to be honest, I know sex should not be used for validation of how I feel and I do not want to make anyone want to spend time, I just feel as if she is in old lady mode to be honest - she goes to bed at 9 pm watches tv with our daughter and then I just lately feel pushed away to be honest - should I really have to be the one that asks or pushed the topic?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You say "you seem to be the only one thinking about sex"?

It's been SIX YEARS since you've had sex. How often do you think about it because it doesn't appear very much if you've let it go this long without.

She isn't going to change. Sounds like you have two options.
1) nothing (like you've been doing) and just accept that this is the way it is and be sad.
Or
2) end this charade. Divorce her and find a woman who's willing to be intimate with you.


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

That sounds simple. What is confusing is all else is great except for this whole sex thing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There's lubrications, medical checkups and a whole world of options aging and/or people with health issues can use but the real issue is she just won't.

It's up to you but I wouldn't put up with a month, much less six years.

I'm 51 and my wife is 62 and she comes after me at least a couple times a week if I don't come after her.

If your wife respected you and actually viewed you as a man, she would have been screwing you into the floor.

You don't register as a man/mate to her. You appear to her like a pet or roommate she is fond of but not worth getting her ovaries heated up.

I'm not picking on you. This is how she sees you.

You've let it go probably too long but you need to pursue your own interests while leaving her alone more.

Stop giving her the emotional support she wants (whatever that is) as she doesn't care about giving you the support you need.

Personally, I don't even think I have the patience to try and give you enough pointers when you're at this point.

I would have walked long ago and I believe that's what you should probably do. Work on yourself, work out if you aren't, pursue your interests and goals, things that you find fulfilling and, once you are healthier (you aren't right now), allow some middle aged hottie to seduce you.

You're "wife" has been anything but a mate for a very long time. Might as well make it official.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sunchild15 said:


> That sounds simple. What is confusing is all else is great except for this whole sex thing.


That's like saying your car is really great except it has no engine.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

When your wife says "go sleep with other people" you know she's 100% checked out of the marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

After six years of nothing I doubt she’s going to be very receptive to what you’re looking for. She’s likely moved past that at this point. I’m surprised she agreed to even try after that period of time.


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

thunderchad said:


> When your wife says "go sleep with other people" you know she's 100% checked out of the marriage.





Openminded said:


> After six years of nothing I doubt she’s going to be very receptive to what you’re looking for. She’s likely moved past that at this point. I’m surprised she agreed to even try after that period of time.


Yes, Its crazy, I work out - had a trainer for 5 years - now I am restarting with more gym time. It sucks to be honest, I have no idea what to do - Im not really making any progress.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sunchild15 said:


> Yes, Its crazy, I work out - had a trainer for 5 years - now I am restarting with more gym time. It sucks to be honest, I have no idea what to do - Im not really making any progress.


So head in your own direction. She already did a long time ago.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry, time to get out of this nightmare. It’s not going to magically change.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dude!! It's been 6 YEARS!! 

You should have known something was wrong and addressed it at 6 weeks and if no progress at 6 months should have known it was all over and been out the door. 

What on earth makes you think you can turn this around and go from nothing in 6 years to an even somewhat enjoyable sex life? I mean if you whine and complain and carry on and threaten to divorce, she might..... "might" lay down and spread her legs for one night to shut you up, but do you honestly, sincerely believe in your heart that someone who had rejected you for SIX YEARS will ever be an engaging, active and enthusiastic sex partner??? 

Do you really think that? 

I'm not trying to get down on you or give you a hard time. I am sincerely asking. I am trying to understand YOUR perspective here and understand where you are coming from. What is it that makes you think you can say or do something that will transform her into someone that thinks you are sexy and desirable and want to have sex with you after not wanting to for 6 years? 

I want to know what's going on in YOUR head.


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

At this point, I am really confused and aggravated, to be honest.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sunchild15 said:


> At this point, I am really confused and aggravated, to be honest.


How are you confused?

She hasn't had sex with you in six years. 

That means it's chrystal clear she doesn't want to. There is nothing to be confused about.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sunchild15 said:


> its always a deflection back off to me -


There ALWAYS is. It's YOUR FAULT. It's your hygiene, it's your attitude, it's your personality, it's your looks, it's those few extra pounds, it's that you're not "manly", your hands aren't rough like a MAN'S hands, God help you if you're a pianist for a living and want to protect your hands......



sunchild15 said:


> I want her to be inspired to want to spend time with me. I just do not know what to do any more


The FACT is, there is nothing, by God, NOTHING..... that you can do. This is NOT YOU. The only person you can change is you. You cannot do anything to change another person. 

Inspired ? How is she going to be inspired ? She has already decided, unilaterally, that she will discontinue sex with you. What will you do?



sunchild15 said:


> I feel like I am being strung along to be honest,


Your feeling is valid, because that is PRECISELY how you are being manipulated.

BTW......"sexless marriage" ......is an oxymoron..... when I was a teenager, 53 years ago, I worked couple days in a music store near my house. I'll never forget when one day a customer came in and told the store owner "....I want to buy a good, cheap piano....."...... to which my boss replied ....."....Sir, I have no good, cheap, pianos..... I have good pianos, and I have cheap pianos, but no good, cheap pianos......".

There's no such thing as "sexless marriage"...... because NO sex = NO marriage. Being "friends" is not marriage. Having kids is not marriage. Living in the same enclosure is not marriage.



ConanHub said:


> ou don't register as a man/mate to her. You appear to her like a pet or roommate she is fond of but not worth getting her ovaries heated up.


And, someone she wants to keep around to support her lifestyle habits.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

sunchild15 said:


> Yes, Its crazy, I work out - had a trainer for 5 years - now I am restarting with more gym time. It sucks to be honest, I have no idea what to do - Im not really making any progress.


If you keep doing what you’ve been, you will keep getting what you have been getting. How will you feel 6 years from today with no intimacy for more than half of your “marriage”. Your roommate who calls herself your wife isnt going to change. As you say, she is in old lady mode. Are you in old man mode?

Just do something different, even if it is wrong. At least you can see what a different life is like. File for divorce, split the assets and see what the single life is like. From what i see, healthy older men attract plenty of attention.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

If you stay married and aren't going down the road of an open marriage you can count on never having satisfying sex again. It is really as simple as that. You can try to get her to a doc to check her out and counseling, but it has been six years and she is in or approaching menopause. It isn't likely her drive will be getting any better.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sunchild15 said:


> all else is great except for this whole sex thing


I'm afraid I cannot share this feeling. To me, there's only ONE THING in marriage that makes it even remotely worth what I have to sacrifice in order to keep it. If that ONE THING doesn't happen? Guess what ? The whole rest of marriage COMPLETELY SUCKS. It's all ONE SIDED.... here, go bust your a$$ and make more money.....here....put up with these infernal, bratty, selfish kids while I go out with my friends..... "I can see you care about NOTHING BUT SEX"....here, stuff it where the sun don't shine, it's YOUR PROBLEM if I SPEND more than YOU make.....

*****, *****, *****, complain, complain, complain..... I haven't done the first thing right in a decade, but other men do "great" things......


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

TJW said:


> I'm afraid I cannot share this feeling. To me, there's only ONE THING in marriage that makes it even remotely worth what I have to sacrifice in order to keep it. If that ONE THING doesn't happen? Guess what ? The whole rest of marriage COMPLETELY SUCKS. It's all ONE SIDED.... here, go bust your a$$ and make more money.....here....put up with these infernal, bratty, selfish kids while I go out with my friends..... "I can see you care about NOTHING BUT SEX"....here, stuff it where the sun don't shine, it's YOUR PROBLEM if I SPEND more than YOU make.....
> 
> ***, ***, ***, complain, complain, complain..... I haven't done the first thing right in a decade, but other men do "great" things......


What are you saying about " Her saying to me ' all I care about is sex" as a way to avoid it and redirect? What are you saying?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Have you asked her if she would like to be best friends? I'm saying that in all seriousness. You say you like everything else about her. I'm assuming she likes everything about you? Why be married to her? Has she told you why she wants to be married to you? Does she understand that marriage is a sexual relationship? 

Seriously, if she says for you to get it elsewhere, not divorce and just be friends with her?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

sunchild15 said:


> feel as if she is in old lady mode to be honest - she goes to bed at 9 pm watches tv with our daughter


So your daughter lives with you and watches TV in bed with your “wife”? At 9pm?

If she is in menopause and her vagina has had no use in years, she didnt get aroused, she was probably dry, hence burning pain. Sex is in her distant past and not something she misses. It aint coming back.

If sex is something you still crave ( after six years) you wont find it with her.

Has she started keeping cats yet?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I went back through some of your old posts and gathered some statistics. 

Your first post about this issue was in July of 2016. 

In that thread you stated the issues with your sex life had began about 4 years prior to that so this actually goes back TEN YEARS,, or roughtly 3 years into your marriage and after the birth of your daughter and the loss of your wife's parents. 

In that thread there were 482 replies offering you suggestions and advice on your situation. 

The next thread you posted was in January of 2017 at which point I believe you had stated that basically all sexual contact had ceased and that while you would bring it up to try to discuss it and had even offered counseling, she had refused any counseling and pretty much told you she didn't want to mess with it and that it was YOUR problem to deal with. 

That thread had 187 replies, mostly telling you to pack bags and move on. 

Your next thread was in Jan of 2020 and by that time she was telling you she was ok with you getting it elsewhere and still refusing any counseling or therapy, that it was your problem to deal with. 

That thread garnered 161 replies, most of which were to stick a fork in it because it was done. 

Your last thread before this one was in Jan of 2021 where she had basically told you to take your penis elsewhere and that she didn't care what you did and only requested that you let her know if you were going to be leaving or moving in with someone. And at some point in there, you two had even bought another house together!!! WTF dude???

That thread only got 93 replies. (do you think the declining number of replies for each subsequent thread might be due to the fact you aren't heading any of the advice or recommedations being offered?)

And currently we are now at 18 replies in this threat I the time I started typing out this particular post. 

So in 5 threads over 6 and 941 replies ( let's subract your 154 posts so we are at 787 replies from other people) you are now saying you are "confused." 

Can you tell us what you are confused about? What key piece of information are you currently missing? What critical piece of information can we offer that wasn't present in the previous 787 replies? What has changed over the last several years that she has told you to your face that she does not want to have a sexual relationship with you and has told you to get elsewhere and just give her a little heads up if you are going to be moving out? What is different today than it was 6 years ago other than we are on a 3rd presidential administration since your first thread?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Have you asked her if she would like to be best friends? I'm saying that in all seriousness. You say you like everything else about her. I'm assuming she likes everything about you? Why be married to her? Has she told you why she wants to be married to you? Does she understand that marriage is a sexual relationship?
> 
> Seriously, if she says for you to get it elsewhere, not divorce and just be friends with her?


Bingo!

For a really large majority, sex is the thing that differentiates their partner from just being a friend. I said large majority because some swing or have open relationships but I'm not talking about those people now.

We may hang out, laugh, confide in, talk with and do things with our friends but we don't have sex with them.

OP, your wife and you are friends. The two of you aren't lovers. You aren't sharing the one thing that's meant to only be shared with your partner in marriage and that's sex.

One more comment. It's actions that count, not words. Her actions have shown you, over and over for years and years how she feels about this.

She could have done any number of things, so many great books, vids, podcasts, TED Talks, seen a doctor, an OBGYN, gone to therapy, seen a sex therapist and on and on.

You didn't mention children but if you have them, when they were little and they were sick, I'm sure your wife took care of them, took them to a doctor if it was bad enough to warrant that etc.

Well, a huge part of your marriage is sick and it's been sick for a long time but she is NOT dealing with it.

And this doesn't just affect her, but you too of course. I don't care that the topic is sex right now. When issues present themselves to a couple and they WILL in long term partnerships and marriages, both partners must work as a team and it needs to be both of them vs. whatever the problem or issue is.

She hasn't acted like a spouse to you in many ways, not just the sex. Spouses need to work on issues for themselves and for their partners when they intentionally choose to be in a long term romantic relationship and she's simply given up.

A person may decide things for themselves when it only affects them. But when a person unilaterally decides something that affects their partner too, that's a bridge too far in a marriage. No, you can't make her have sex but she should have tried, talked to you more, done more, made attempts or really let you in on her reason or reasons why, but she hasn't.

She's taken her ball and gone home and left you high and dry on the playground. She's supposed to be your partner.

OP, I really feel for you. This isn't solely about the lack of sex, it's about so much more, her lack of being a real partner to you and pulling on the rope with you together, attacking issues and problems that present themselves to both you together.

She isn't and hasn't acted like a true partner to you for a long time and again I'm not saying this solely due to the lack of sex.

People who want to be married need to act like it. She'll either work on this, really work on it with you or she won't.

If she won't, you have to decide if this is how you'll choose to spend the rest of your life.

Sorry and good luck to you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if you went without sex for six years, i am sorry, part of the problem is you.
a normal man could not go six MONTHS without sex.
you should have dumped her long ago.
and the fact that you did not, kind of means that the sex is really not all that imporant to you. Maybe it SEEMS like it is of paramount importance, since you have not had any and can only think about it. but really, why did you not act on this in the past?

i could guess a few reasons, but please answer yourself why you think you went so long? it will save us a lot of time guesssing


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

After reading post #23 I’d say you have a better chance of growing wings and crapping a tuba than you do nailing your wife.

If you can hit a F flat on its way out I’ll be impressed.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@sunchild15 after all these posts responses, and time, what's it going to take for you to realize your W doesn't ever, ever want to have sex with you again?

Really. Now I'm curious as to WHAT WILL IT TAKE for you to realize this? 
Seriously, what?

She's happy to use you for support and comfort, and you're apparently happy with a life of no sex and happy to complain. 

@oldshirt summarized your posts very succinctly. 

Admit it, you don't want sex with her or other women either. If you did, you'd be taking action to move her out and start D proceeding. Just admit it.


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @sunchild15 after all these posts responses, and time, what's it going to take for you to realize your W doesn't ever, ever want to have sex with you again?
> 
> Really. Now I'm curious as to WHAT WILL IT TAKE for you to realize this?
> Seriously, what?
> ...


Well. Yes, I feel really upset that I have let this go. The fighting and resistance that I received I just have not wanted to argue with her on this. After she lost her parents both it seems like things dwindled down and somehow she's lost her connection in this way or maybe she in fact depressed as well as going through menstruation at age 54. While all these sound good - they are still excuses at the end of the day for allowing this to happen to me ultimately. My working out with a trainer for 5 years, lifting weights, doing all the right things just goes to show that it's not how I look but perhaps what I chose to tolerate and accept for myself. That is definitely a hard pill to swallow that I have accepted this as ok. It's hard not to beat me up for what I have allowed here. After asking for counseling, or us to work on it together, reading many of the books on Married Red Pill and even Athol Kay session, when he says that it would not really matter if you were Brad Pitt with my wife perhaps I have missed all of the signals. I care for her and my family - but that still does not solve this physical connection I want. Honestly, I guess I took the pill that if I supported my family, was a good person, and always did the right thing I would NOT be in this situation. At this point I guess now the lesson is doing what makes me happy - I have put the attention over there and settled for trying to understand all the excuses or reasons that maybe this is happening when I should be asking what is best for me every day. If she does not care about that part - after this long perhaps the key is me meeting my own needs and not needing anything from her. 

I never imagined that I would ever be in this position. It's shocking when it seems all else is amazing yet I would ever be in a situation like this. I am married and committed but at the end of the day if she is not turned on to want to make time - then what am I doing for ME?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I went back through some of your old posts and gathered some statistics.
> 
> Your first post about this issue was in July of 2016.
> 
> ...


Fantastic research and breakdown.

I appreciate it.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Never, ever going to change until you change and quit accepting her excuses. Nothing is going to happen, she isnt changing, only way she MIGHT is you threaten to quit and she believes you. And we both know that isnt happening.....right? My suggestion would be to just quit thinking about it. Save everyone some time
Hoosier

Sorry to be so blunt.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

sunchild15 said:


> Yes, Its crazy, I work out - had a trainer for 5 years - now I am restarting with more gym time. It sucks to be honest, I have no idea what to do - Im not really making any progress.


Yes, you DO know what to do.

You simply lack the courage (to this point) to love yourself enough to end your sham of a marriage. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

You have extremely low self-worth. That's the crux of your problem. It has nothing to do with your wife, her apparent menopause or peri-menopause, her years of lack of sexual desire towards you, etc.. It's all about what's going on between your ears, my man. 

Check out our group: *The DSO Fraternity*. You need some help.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She’s already told you it’s ok to get with other people and that she just wanted to be notified if you were going to be moving out. 

If all things other things are good, that means you are friends and effective parents. 

If you were to divorce and move on and ultimately find someone else, there’s no reason to believe that you couldn’t still be friends and effective parents. 

If you moved out and lived your own life, what is the worst that would happen, she wouldn’t have sex with you??? 

Yeah, you’ve already been there a long time and have already experienced that. 
You’ve got nowhere to go but up from here if you ever decide to take action. 

If you stay, just add more years to your current situation.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

sunchild15 said:


> What are you saying about " Her saying to me ' all I care about is sex" as a way to avoid it and redirect? What are you saying?


The response is that it is completely unreasonable to think its ok to go 6 years without sex.

She has decided for you, without your permission, that you will be celibate.

Are you sure she is not getting it elsewhere? Her suggestion that you do that also is very concerning.

ETA: Just saw the history of OP's threads... marriage is dead and not coming back. See an attorney and start the proceedings. Post again in one year how great your life is with your new girlfriend who loves sex with you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why are you afraid to leave her, find another woman that loves sex with you, and live happily ever after? You found her, you can find another. 
Is it money, or that you wuv her? If the latter, you know she has no romantic feelings for you, so what value is your love to her, and it’s only hurting you. Let it go.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

This marriage is over, has been for years. She give zero ****s about ever having sex with you again. She is your roommate, nothing else. You will not be able to change that.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

If you would have known there would be no sex in this relationship would you have married her? 

If the answer is "no" then why not divorce her and as mentioned just be friends.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

If you have no need of a roommate then part ways. Divorce her and find a woman that does want to be intimate.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sunchild15 said:


> Well. Yes, I feel really upset that I have let this go. The fighting and resistance that I received I just have not wanted to argue with her on this. After she lost her parents both it seems like things dwindled down and somehow she's lost her connection in this way or maybe she in fact depressed as well as going through menstruation at age 54. While all these sound good - they are still excuses at the end of the day for allowing this to happen to me ultimately. My working out with a trainer for 5 years, lifting weights, doing all the right things just goes to show that it's not how I look but perhaps what I chose to tolerate and accept for myself. That is definitely a hard pill to swallow that I have accepted this as ok. It's hard not to beat me up for what I have allowed here. After asking for counseling, or us to work on it together, reading many of the books on Married Red Pill and even Athol Kay session, when he says that it would not really matter if you were Brad Pitt with my wife perhaps I have missed all of the signals. I care for her and my family - but that still does not solve this physical connection I want. Honestly, I guess I took the pill that if I supported my family, was a good person, and always did the right thing I would NOT be in this situation. At this point I guess now the lesson is doing what makes me happy - I have put the attention over there and settled for trying to understand all the excuses or reasons that maybe this is happening when I should be asking what is best for me every day. If she does not care about that part - after this long perhaps the key is me meeting my own needs and not needing anything from her.
> 
> I never imagined that I would ever be in this position. It's shocking when it seems all else is amazing yet I would ever be in a situation like this. I am married and committed but at the end of the day if she is not turned on to want to make time - then what am I doing for ME?


Your last sentence in the above is a summary for the whole post.


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Your last sentence in the above is a summary for the whole post.





Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Your last sentence in the above is a summary for the whole post.


Thanks


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

re16 said:


> The response is that it is completely unreasonable to think its ok to go 6 years without sex.
> 
> She has decided for you, without your permission, that you will be celibate.
> 
> ...


She is not getting anything anywhere else, she wakes up later than all of us and goes to sleep earlier than us. She told me years ago that for some reason she does not even think about sex with anyone - she did not know why - Her idea lately is getting together with her family and having a desert and watching a movie, that is fun for her .


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Given the fact that you have posted about the same issue/problem for years on this forum, my guess is you are here to vent. If so, that is fine. But as another poster pointed out, unless you are actually willing to take the advice you are given to heart, you will continue to live in a sexless marriage.

There is nothing "confusing" here. Your wife has made it crystal clear that you have been friend-zoned. She probably enjoys your company and likes you. But she is not interested in a sexual relationship with you. Nothing to be confused about from where I'm sitting.

Either live with the status quo, go have sex with another woman (which your wife suggested), or end the marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Either live with the status quo, go have sex with another woman (which your wife suggested), or end the marriage.


Those really are your basic options -

- suck it up and live with it.

- get those needs met elsewhere with or without her knowledge and approval if you are able.

- divorce and find someone else. 

Each of those options has its own pros and cons and each comes with it own risks, rewards, consequences and efforts. 

It can suck divorcing and dividing up the furniture and finances, paying lawyer and court fees and dropping kids off per custody arrangement.

And it can suck going out meeting other women and navigating the dating world after being with someone for over a decade. 

But it also sucks spending your next 40-50 years celibate when you don’t choose to be. 

You’ll need to pick your suck.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

sunchild15 said:


> for the last 6 no sex


She's had it her way for the last six years. It's only fair to have it your way the next six years. Isn't that the way a marriage is supposed to work?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Openminded said:


> After six years of nothing I doubt she’s going to be very receptive to what you’re looking for. She’s likely moved past that at this point. I’m surprised she agreed to even try after that period of time.


It could be she does it for her own peace of mind. No sex is bad, but now she has another plausible excuse to not have sex yet expect you to do your part.

"How can you expect sex when it hurts?"


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> Never, ever going to change until you change and quit accepting her excuses. Nothing is going to happen, she isnt changing, only way she MIGHT is you threaten to quit and she believes you. And we both know that isnt happening.....right? My suggestion would be to just quit thinking about it. Save everyone some time
> Hoosier
> 
> Sorry to be so blunt.


Tagging onto this... Just because she says she doesn't care if you get laid elsewhere does not mean she will actually accept it. She might just be looking for a way to move on while blaming you.

Just one more reason to move on.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

sunchild15 said:


> So I have been on here years ago. I feel kind of resigned in trying when it comes to sex with my wife. We have been married for 13 years and for the last 6 no sex. a month ago we started and then-my wife admitted that she perhaps can continue this. She just seems to be completely checked out when it comes to sex with me or even anyone else. I am so confused to have asked her to go to counseling but what is more depressing is that I just feel exhausted of trying with her and communicating. Everything else in life seems ok as long as I leave her sleep at night. The last time we tried a month ago after such a long time she stated that maybe because she has not had any sex in 6 years that her private parts feel irritated since it's been so long. The last time I expressed things around sex and what I felt my needs were she suggested that I cant expect her to have sex just because I want to that she needs to feel like it and she even out of finding a message suggested if I needed to see or have sex with other people she won't hold it against me. I guess I am feeling so confused as even though I am only 52 and she is now 55, I just feel she is done with sex. She seems to spend more time with plants, cooking, and reading the news, I feel like I don't want to have to try so hard - its not feel fun anymore for me and I feel alienated that I seem to be the only one thinking of sex and that side of my life.


See a therapist yourself.
Game your wife. Date her. It works with yoy being interested in her, expectations of going on date, dressing up, going out breeds interest, having a good time peaks romanticism, thst leads to sex.
Read books on gottman, Dr. Laura, proper feeding and caring of msriage, mating in captivity by easther purely, listen to them on you tube. Womeni in 50s are hot, maybe she Need's to be told, shown, if gaming your wife donr work yoy will have major decisions to make. Get Red pill aware, get you financial life in order cuz if your mariage tanks you will lose 75% of your status.it will go to her. 
Read gottmans book all of them.
Making marriage work


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Thanks oldshirt for the recap, especially this:
"Your last thread before this one was in Jan of 2021 where she had basically told you to take your penis elsewhere and that she didn't care what you did and only requested that you let her know if you were going to be leaving or moving in with someone. And at some point in there, you two had even bought another house together!!! WTF dude??? "
If she acts like this OP, I have NO IDEA how you can say "everything Except the sex is great" She doesn't CARE what you do. She doesn't CARE if you are there or not. Time to stand up for yourself and YOU take control of your life instead of letting her have the controls.

If she has that attitude, then you really aren't even friends. Who could be a great friend to someone so cold and callous about your feelings?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sunchild15 said:


> I never imagined that I would ever be in this position. It's shocking when it seems all else is amazing yet I would ever be in a situation like this. I am married and committed but at the end of the day if she is not turned on to want to make time - then what am I doing for ME?


i am not sure how you can say that.
your wife is disrespecting you on a very important part of what you need to be a man.
She does not care in the slightest.

Its kind of like you accidentally stabbed yourself in the gut with a knife, you call her for help, and she says "better put a bandage on that Hon. they are in the cabinet in the bathroom" and walks away.

She is a stone cold B***h. 

But you put up with this for years, so maybe, just maybe, sex is not all that important to you? 
If it is important, you either need to divorce her, or get a hall pass from her to find someone else to play with. 
If it is not important to you, keep on doing just what you are doing now.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

David60525 said:


> See a therapist yourself.
> Game your wife. Date SOMEONE NEW!


FIFY


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

David60525 said:


> See a therapist yourself.
> Game your wife. Date her. It works with yoy being interested in her, expectations of going on date, dressing up, going out breeds interest, having a good time peaks romanticism, thst leads to sex.
> Read books on gottman, Dr. Laura, proper feeding and caring of msriage, mating in captivity by easther purely, listen to them on you tube. Womeni in 50s are hot, maybe she Need's to be told, shown, if gaming your wife donr work yoy will have major decisions to make. Get Red pill aware, get you financial life in order cuz if your mariage tanks you will lose 75% of your status.it will go to her.
> Read gottmans book all of them.
> Making marriage work


I agree with him seeing a therapist to see why he has such a low sense of self esteem and self worth that he is accepting this.

But as far as all the gaming and date nights etc - just no.

She has told him to his face she doesn’t want a sex life with him and told him to get it elsewhere. She doesn’t want to go there with him. Everyone needs to accept her agency and perogative. 

He has a better chance asking random women on the street for a date. Unless he is a slob or a creeper, a certain percentage to take him up on the offer.

His wife on the other hand has made it perfectly clear through expressed word and deed that she does not want a sexual relationship with him. Everyone needs to respect her boundaries and walk away.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> His wife on the other hand has made it perfectly clear through expressed word and deed that she does not want a *sexual relationship *with him.


Which IMO means she no longer wants to be ‘married’ to him. So he ought to accommodate that by dissolving the marriage.

Maybe a little off, but in MY mind I substitute “mated” for “marriage”. Mated means having sex. No sex, not mated. Not mated not married. Have a meaningless piece of paper.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The word consummation comes to mind. Clearly sex is part of marriage.
What really sucks is once you sign on the dotted line, you can kiss your assets goodbye should you ever divorce, particularly if you’re a man. 
OP, your long game should have already been focused on getting out while still being financially able to support yourself. Even considering trying to fix this with your wife is foolhardy based on her statements.

why don’t you divorce? What are the negatives? It’s not like she actually has feelings for you.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> The word consummation comes to mind. Clearly sex is part of marriage.
> What really sucks is once you sign on the dotted line, you can kiss your assets goodbye should you ever divorce, particularly if you’re a man.
> OP, your long game should have already been focused on getting out while still being financially able to support yourself. Even considering trying to fix this with your wife is foolhardy based on her statements.
> 
> why don’t you divorce? What are the negatives? It’s not like she actually has feelings for you.


This 100%. It might take a few years to put together a plan that includes:
1. Knocking out debt and putting away some money for expenses that will come up and for a rainy day.
2. Getting a job that will meet your finance and lifestyle needs. If you work lots of nights, weekends, and holidays how will you get a job which allows you to care for your kids?
3. Retain a lawyer, understand your rights, find a place for yourself, initiate proceedings.

But knowing all that you have to do, if you don't start now and at least get yourself on solid footing (steps one and two above), when will that happen?


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

It sounds like things have gone too far.

Lost desire in a long term relationship where she gets all she needs.

Pursue YOUR life and your hobbies...regardless of how it goes. Check out a website dadstartingover.com and read some of his articles and his books....it would be helpful I believe.

But start living for you, don't be a nice giving guy. Really.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sadly, I believe the OP will return to the forum in a year or so complaining about the same issue again. To me at least, it's pretty clear that he lacks the ability (for whatever reason(s)) to leave this dead-end marriage.

As we say in Al-Anon, "Nothing changes if nothing changes."


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Why ask for advice and not take it? Because that's human nature. But to ask for help from July 2016 on???? Really?? Is this forum for help or entertainment?Stand strong or stand down.

Sent from my SM-J327VPP using Tapatalk


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sunchild15 said:


> Her saying to me ' all I care about is sex" as a way to avoid it and redirect?


Yes, exactly.

Well, I have to agree with what I learned on another website ..... that "....sex is 10% of the marriage when you have it, but 90% of the marriage when you don't...."

And, precisely, I have to agree with her. That it is, indeed, the ONLY part of this marriage that interests me in even the slightest way. Because, sex is the ONLY thing which requires marriage. Marriage without sex is, to me, complete slavehood to a very unjust master.



A18S37K14H18 said:


> For a really large majority, sex is the thing that differentiates their partner from just being a friend.


I may not be in the majority, then. Because, for me, sex would make the difference in my partner being a friend, and a person who I really don't want to be friends with.

The next time she says ".....all you care about is sex....".... I am going to reply....."....well, what in God's name makes you think I would want to be your friend ?..."


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

oldshirt said:


> I went back through some of your old posts and gathered some statistics.
> 
> Your first post about this issue was in July of 2016.
> 
> ...


Investigating peoples past posts from years ago is kind of creepy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mr B said:


> Investigating peoples past posts from years ago is kind of creepy.


Maybe.

But it’s oh so ueseful.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

sunchild15 said:


> So I have been on here years ago. I feel kind of resigned in trying when it comes to sex with my wife. We have been married for 13 years and for the last 6 no sex. a month ago we started and then-my wife admitted that she perhaps can continue this. She just seems to be completely checked out when it comes to sex with me or even anyone else. I am so confused to have asked her to go to counseling but what is more depressing is that I just feel exhausted of trying with her and communicating. Everything else in life seems ok as long as I leave her sleep at night. The last time we tried a month ago after such a long time she stated that maybe because she has not had any sex in 6 years that her private parts feel irritated since it's been so long. The last time I expressed things around sex and what I felt my needs were she suggested that I cant expect her to have sex just because I want to that she needs to feel like it and she even out of finding a message suggested if I needed to see or have sex with other people she won't hold it against me. I guess I am feeling so confused as even though I am only 52 and she is now 55, I just feel she is done with sex. She seems to spend more time with plants, cooking, and reading the news, I feel like I don't want to have to try so hard - its not feel fun anymore for me and I feel alienated that I seem to be the only one thinking of sex and that side of my life.


Just a suggestion, maybe mention OM (open marriage). Even if you can't do it, see where she is at on your sexual desire. Maybe she loves you, but (like you said) it hurts down there and she knows it will never happen again. Then this is where the not respecting her husband thing, is not honoring her marriage. Divorce isn't the answer, unless you know how she truly feels.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> So your daughter lives with you and watches TV in bed with your “wife”? At 9pm?
> 
> If she is in menopause and her vagina has had no use in years, she didnt get aroused, she was probably dry, hence burning pain. Sex is in her distant past and not something she misses. It aint coming back.
> 
> ...


Don't take offense, but that is funny! Has she started keeping cats yet? After the 2nd cat, they enter the realm of cra-cra.
My wife is in menopause now and I see not much of a change (except night sweats and dryness at times, but not often. She will request sex 3 times a week on average, and I request 5 times a week. We settle for what is best and she will satisfy me, in the times she is not in the mood.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

Sfort said:


> She's had it her way for the last six years. It's only fair to have it your way the next six years. Isn't that the way a marriage is supposed to work?


Unfortunately, the only way he is going to get what he wants is, to either cheat or leave all together. If not, he will be deprived from here on out.


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## SpartaMe (9 mo ago)

TJW said:


> I'm afraid I cannot share this feeling. To me, there's only ONE THING in marriage that makes it even remotely worth what I have to sacrifice in order to keep it. If that ONE THING doesn't happen? Guess what ? The whole rest of marriage COMPLETELY SUCKS. It's all ONE SIDED.... here, go bust your a$$ and make more money.....here....put up with these infernal, bratty, selfish kids while I go out with my friends..... "I can see you care about NOTHING BUT SEX"....here, stuff it where the sun don't shine, it's YOUR PROBLEM if I SPEND more than YOU make.....
> 
> _, _, ***, complain, complain, complain Crypto OTC trading platform..... I haven't done the first thing right in a decade, but other men do "great" things...... SWC poker


True I am a great in feeling it hurts and usualy you have to take the other ones. I have a problem with gambling like poker and cripto


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

Well, yesterday I got in an argument with my wife after she got in a fight with our daughter. Last night she slept in another room and stated she needs to figure out what she is doing with her life. She called me an asshole and said we have had issues for 12 years. She said that its how I act - I explained that every time I have tried communicating that she has blown off talking, a counselor or coming up with a solution. She stated that she has explained to me what the issues are - yet its how I am being - she also feels like she is alone and no one is there for her - me or my daughter that she has no one to go to - and does not know where to go. She said that I am an asshole and don't give two ****s about her - I think this is all delusional, I asked how would she feel if she was ignored for years and that what she is saying does not make much sense. I asked her what it she needed and what would actually make her happy?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sunchild15 said:


> I asked her what it she needed and what would actually make her happy?


What was her reply?


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> What was her reply?


Her response was she needs to figure out what she is doing with her life. After last night's discussion - I feel cheated to be honest to think that she intentionally has withdrawn from me for years. Maybe she was upset but her saying that the last 12 years have been her going along with things - makes me feel like she has intentionally been stringing me along - the fact that she brought up some party we went to from January and another situation means that she can't let anything go that bothers her. She was upset that I was sitting not that close to her at a party and that was enough for her to keep her distance. I brought her to a party with some friends and she just seemed like she did not want to be there - it made me feel uncomfortable - She has so many opinions about others - she is like a critic with so many opinions of others, its like she classifies everyone as weird most of the time, she seems to want to always feel like she does not belong. I noticed she makes friends with women most who have no partner and are kind of doing their own thing. Most of these women seem to not date or have any personal life. I just feel like based on her ignoring my needs and also feel like I am being played a bit - she pretends all is great then she keeps me at a distance. I explained to her that anytime in the past I have asked her to work on solutions she always deflects to me and has 0 responsibility / accountability in wanting to solve things...


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Face it, she doesn't love you. Nobody intentionally hurts someone whom they love. If I woke up in your shoes, I would tell her that I would stick around for the daughter until she turns 18 and then I would leave. Start planning on getting out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

sunchild15 said:


> Her response was she needs to figure out what she is doing with her life. After last night's discussion - I feel cheated to be honest to think that she intentionally has withdrawn from me for years. Maybe she was upset but her saying that the last 12 years have been her going along with things - makes me feel like she has intentionally been stringing me along - the fact that she brought up some party we went to from January and another situation means that she can't let anything go that bothers her. She was upset that I was sitting not that close to her at a party and that was enough for her to keep her distance. I brought her to a party with some friends and she just seemed like she did not want to be there - it made me feel uncomfortable - She has so many opinions about others - she is like a critic with so many opinions of others, its like she classifies everyone as weird most of the time, she seems to want to always feel like she does not belong. I noticed she makes friends with women most who have no partner and are kind of doing their own thing. Most of these women seem to not date or have any personal life. I just feel like based on her ignoring my needs and also feel like I am being played a bit - she pretends all is great then she keeps me at a distance. I explained to her that anytime in the past I have asked her to work on solutions she always deflects to me and has 0 responsibility / accountability in wanting to solve things...


It's all projection. 

She doesn't like herself, so she turns that scrutinizing eye outwards. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sunchild15 said:


> Well, yesterday I got in an argument with my wife after she got in a fight with our daughter. Last night she slept in another room and stated she needs to figure out what she is doing with her life. She called me an asshole and said we have had issues for 12 years. She said that its how I act - I explained that every time I have tried communicating that she has blown off talking, a counselor or coming up with a solution. She stated that she has explained to me what the issues are - yet its how I am being - she also feels like she is alone and no one is there for her - me or my daughter that she has no one to go to - and does not know where to go. She said that I am an asshole and don't give two ****s about her - I think this is all delusional, I asked how would she feel if she was ignored for years and that what she is saying does not make much sense. I asked her what it she needed and what would actually make her happy?


Tell her you've decided not to wait on her revelations, you've decided she's right and should move out to find herself.

Take the choice from her hands.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sunchild15 said:


> Maybe she was upset but her saying that the last 12 years have been her going along with things - makes me feel like she has intentionally been stringing me along -


Gee do ya think?????? 🤔 

She hasn’t touched you in SIX YEARS. Why are you only beginning to suspect she’s just going through the motions now and not 5 1/2 years ago. 

You’ve been asleep at the wheel.


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Gee do ya think?????? 🤔
> 
> She hasn’t touched you in SIX YEARS. Why are you only beginning to suspect she’s just going through the motions now and not 5 1/2 years ago.
> 
> You’ve been asleep at the wheel.


You are right here. I am asking myself some deep questions at the moment. When I think back at things now, I have no idea why I have accepted this. To think about this logically - she shows absolutely no interest in sex at all with anyone. I see the same pattern in her brother now too - he has not dated anyone in like 15 years, perhaps there is some cycle around when you get to 50 you just sleep, work and take care of yourself. I went on a trip yesterday with me and the daughter so she was here by herself - I guess anyone who believes they are right never sees any other side except their own ... it's crazy, I asked her how a plant would react if you did not water it for 5 years. I have lots to do - gosh.


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

What is crazy is my wife actually said that I am finding ways to get rid of her - that I am actually looking for a way to make her leave me? LOL that is NUTS to think. She may have some mental issues if she is thinking that I am trying to get her out of the picture, then on the backside I am trying to get her to get counseling and go to get help as a couple as we are planning on remodeling our home and buy land and homes.. Like how does all this make any sense in her mind ? Im like what are you smoking?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Talk about denial? You have wasted the last twelve years, not you pretend wife. You have put up with this all of these years and for what? Finally getting the truth from her.

You are responsible for the wasted years.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sunchild15 said:


> What is crazy is my wife actually said that I am finding ways to get rid of her - that I am actually looking for a way to make her leave me? LOL that is NUTS to think. She may have some mental issues if she is thinking that I am trying to get her out of the picture, then on the backside I am trying to get her to get counseling and go to get help as a couple as we are planning on remodeling our home and buy land and homes.. Like how does all this make any sense in her mind ? Im like what are you smoking?


Are you moving her out if the house tomorrow? If you don't do something welcome to the entire rest of your life. Quit supporting her financially, housing, and emotionally.

She's got you right where she wants you. She's swamping the boat blaming you, and like a good little fella you're accepting the blame.

She'll have a good M. Your M will suck.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

sunchild15 said:


> What is crazy is my wife actually said that I am finding ways to get rid of her


Yes, that is crazy. I mean, how could she think that you want to get rid of her when in reality all you do is blah, blah, blah, nag, nag, nag, and do nothing. I mean isn't she crazy?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sunchild15 said:


> What is crazy is my wife actually said that I am finding ways to get rid of her - that I am actually looking for a way to make her leave me? LOL that is NUTS to think. She may have some mental issues if she is thinking that I am trying to get her out of the picture, then on the backside I am trying to get her to get counseling and go to get help as a couple as we are planning on remodeling our home and buy land and homes.. Like how does all this make any sense in her mind ? Im like what are you smoking?


Actually, I think she is in the right. You SHOULD be getting rid of her.

What’s NUTSis that you have tolerated this situation and kept her around this long.

She may have issues but you obviously have your issues as well.

The catch is you can’t do anything about her issues, but you can address your own if you have the wherewithal to do so.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sunchild15 said:


> I am trying to get her to get counseling and go to get help as a couple as we are planning on remodeling our home and buy land and homes.. Like how does all this make any sense in her mind ? Im like what are you smoking?


DUDE!!!!!

The more pertinent question is what are YOU smoking! 😮 

You are planning on getting even more financially indebted with this person??

Seriously man, you need to get an appointment to get YOUR head examined today.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

sunchild15 said:


> What is crazy is… I am trying to get her to get counseling go to get help as a couple as we are planning on remodeling our home and buy land and homes.. Like how does all this make any sense ?


Fixed it for you. You are making big plans with a woman who tells you she needs to think things over. And hasnt been intimate with you in years. 

Are you planning to invest a lot more time and money so she and her attorney can take some more?


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

Defhero said:


> Just a suggestion, maybe mention OM (open marriage). Even if you can't do it, see where she is at on your sexual desire. Maybe she loves you, but (like you said) it hurts down there and she knows it will never happen again. Then this is where the not respecting her husband thing, is not honoring her marriage. Divorce isn't the answer, unless you know how she truly feels.


I have an employee this age and she told me that she has lost all interest in sex too. She also said she wished her husband would find someone to have sex with and leave her alone. She said his touch irritated her. Plus it was painful as well. 

Maybe you should start dating her again. Sex for us starts outside the bedroom. A little touching, necking, some flowers. Like when you were dating. Having a staycation at a home town hotel for the weekend too might be nice. Discover new things about each other.

As couples we become complacent and take each other for granted too often. As women, I think no matter how old we are, like to be romanced. Just research what interests her outside the bedroom. And change things up when u do get to the bed room.

My husband and I lately started experimenting with new stuff to keep things interesting. I am not into sex toys but we use different materials to caress and touch. It's fun, we laugh, we play it's great. Orgasming alone isn't enough for me anymore. I craved quality time and attention during the act. It's not just wham bam thank you ma'am.
All the best.


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