# Needing an opinion........



## Thame (Jan 30, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We both come from marriage where our ex's cheated on us so trust has always been a necessity in our marriage. She has 2 children from a previous marriage. 18 the other 17 years old. I have 2 from my previous marriage that are 17 and 13, Her children live with us, mine go back and forth between my ex-wife and I.
Our only strain on our relationship has been dealing with her children due to actions of hers. My wife has had a problem with always trying to be best friend to our children rather than being their mother. As a result, I have had to do most if not all punishments, teach responsibility, and in general appear as a evil stephfather. It came to a point where the general atmosphere in the house her and the kids against me.I discovered that in the past she has lied, hidden things from me regarding the kids trying to play buffer, feeling the need to protect them, etc. I will say I am not abusive to her children in anyway. Their father wants nothing to do with them so I have treated them no different then my own children who love me dearly.
I talked to her about the lies etc and told her I would end the marriage if we did not see a counselor. This happened for a short time and things got better until she started reverting back to the way she was. I decided it was best for us to separate. So we did for a year. We still visited, dated, etc. She continued to see the counselor and was put on antidepressants for depression.
After 8 months we got back together after talking to the counselor. Things went very well for a year and I came to the conclusion she had changed. We bought a house, and things were still good up to 1 year ago when she reverted back again. Again started seeing a counselor , during the counseling she is being told she needs to be a parent not a friend, and that these choices she is making has caused the issues in the house, but it seems instead of fixing the issues, she makes excuses for everything to take more time. The relationship between the children and I have become so strained that last week I had to ask our son to leave. 
I recently discovered she had lied to me again when it came to an issue about our son. Frankly, I am devastated. I feel I have exhausted all possibilities to fix this marriage and have decided tonight to explain to her I know about her lie and tell her I am filing for divorce.
I feel that by doing this I am wasting everything that has been accomplished the past 13 total years we have been together. But she broke my trust 2 times now and I can only cringe when I think of the other things she may have lied to me about. 
But Im curious to know if anyone else feels as strong about trust in a marriage, even if it does not center around an affair? Am I overreacting because she lied about something other than an affair?


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

You mentioned that she was put on antidepressents. Do you think her reverting behavior could be due to the onset of depression? Is she still on medication?

Does she realize the seriousness of the situation? What I'm trying to get at is, do you think she could be reminded that her behavior is unacceptable without the threat of divorce? Not to say that her lies are insignficant, because they certainly are not, but perhaps she just needs to be reminded. When the two of you got back together after the seperation, did you make it clear to her that she was being given a second chance, but if she does it again, it would be over?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm wondering why she is the only one in counseling. There are issues here that would suggest couple's counseling is warranted.


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## Vienna11 (Feb 2, 2011)

Trust is absolutely essential in a marriage. Once trust is lost over one matter, it can make you start to doubt your partner in other matters. When you say that you "cringe when you think of the other things she may have lied about", it sounds like you have significant reasons to have those doubts, like this may not be an isolated event. Is this the case? If so, you may have even more serious problems.


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