# The Ex - advice?



## Vinnie (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi everyone, never thought I would be on a forum to talk about my marriage but my head is completely wrecked these days and I would be grateful for some advice or a different perspective.

Married 10 years, 2 kids. She was my first serious girlfriend and we've now been together longer than we haven't, if that makes sense.

I wasn't her first boyfriend. She had been seeing a guy for a few years on and off (He is now married with kids too). This was always a big thing for me when I was a bit younger, but I grew out of that. However, probably about 2 years ago I had been genuinely looking for something in the Internet History (not snooping), a page that I had visited and I had discovered that she had been looking up her Ex's Facebook page. I put this down to her just being nosy and having a look at pics etc. so I mentioned it. As I thought, she was very apologetic and said she was only being inquisitive and it wouldn't happen again.

I took this at face value and let it go but would always have a quick look at the history just to keep myself sane. So, about 6 months ago I noticed that some of the history was being deleted. It ws very easy to spot. This went on for a while and it seemed to become a regular occurence, history files being deleted.

I installed a key logger, and for the past 4 or 5 months I have been keeping an eye on it. So, I've found out that she has been visiting his page on facebook every few days, mostly when I'm out or at work or whatever. She has also been visiting his sisters' pages as well (and deleting this). She hasn't added him as a friend or anything and the key logger hasn't shown up any messages, but the fact she keeps doing it is really doing my head in.

I've noticed myself become more distant and couldn't be bothered even talking to her sometimes. I'm really not sure what way to approach it now. I'm really starting to lose all respect for her. She has noticed how I'm acting and would remark upon it. It's always on the tip of my tongue to say why I'm acting like this but I just can't bring myself to do it. 

Is she just being nosy, or what the hell? I'm really feeling down and don'treally know what way to approach dealing with this.

Grateful for any advice.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

OK, it's time to stop the skulduggery and talk to you wife about it and set up some clear boundaries. It's early on in this.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

She is obviously going down memory lane and thinking about the what if's. That's not good. Good luck!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

"Honey. We all think about 'might have beens.' I could have been a chemist instead of a (whatever). You could have changed degrees into X. It's natural to be curious."

"Well, you are here RIGHT NOW. THIS is your life...except your mind isn't in RIGHT NOW, it's in "LA LA EX BF Land". 

"It is affecting us and how I see you. I don't see you as the devoted housewife any more. I see you as some girl looking for the exit sign. I also see you as a liar and a deceiver. You said you wouldn't STALK Marty McFly and yet you are...and you are covering the evidence. So you KNOW it's wrong, you think I'm stupid and you keep disrespecting me."

"Today, it stops. You tell me if you're going to run off and try to break up his marriage, if you just want to break up your own, or if you'll get your head back outside of your butt where the air is fresh and you don't have to lie."

"You have one day. If you do, you need to delete your facebook account and give me all your pass words. Because now I don't trust you and no, I'm not overreacting. If you'd been trustworthy, we wouldn't be here, so don't you DARE throw this on me."

"Now I need to call your mother." (If mother actually likes you and didn't wish she hooked up with the Ex.)


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Bullet points to remember in the ensuing argument.

She is a liar.

She is an oath breaker.

You did not overreact when she first looked him up and she made promises to stop.

She is hiding her activities so she already knows her actions are wrong. (Expected riposte from her: "I just didn't want you to overreact like you are PLAINLY doing!. Proper Response: "Why did you think I'd overreact? Maybe because your activities don't inspire trust and look REALLY BAD?")

Part of keeping trust is never breaking trust. She has damaged her credibility. (Her: "I didn't think it would matter." You: "You were wrong. It matters a great deal and I'm trying to protect my marriage.")

Her activities are very similar to stalkers and cheaters. Make clear you do NOT think she's crossed that line, and by God, she'll be single before she does. (Don't give an ultimatum)

If she had done any more then stalk his FB site, you'd be revealing any and all communication to her friends, family and eventually an attorney. (Letting her know that further actions caught would bring more serious consequences)

This is a mild action. I've looked up an ex once or thrice. But that's every couple of years. Not this.

Hit the ugly term 'stalker' and 'potential cheater' a few times. She won't like how she looks wearing those labels.

If she says that's not true, ask her how she'd describe you if you were constantly researching some cute ex GF of yours? If she minimalizes it by saying 'J?st naturally curious" then throw out the fact that her 'curiousity' is hurting her husband and her marriage...over some guy who is already married. How miuch does she really need to tickle her curiousity.

Don't get hugely indignant but let her know the ice is creaking and she' now labelled a liar.

But I'd also suggest that if she's looking for greener grass, maybe it's because your patch is getting a little...wilted. So start, not to woo her, but to spend more time alone with her and have serious and non-confrontational talks.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Truth time JCD's dialogue = spot on
Be strong

You're the head of your family - protect it


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

Have you checked her phone. It could be possible she doesn't contact him on Facebook but by other means.

When I had been dating my husband only about a year, I found he was looking up his first love on classmates. He found her, started emailing her through his work email. I found out and confronted him. He convinced me that he just wanted to be friends and we even met her and her bf. It has been downhill since then. I've been a fool to ever let this happen. Find out how deep it goes and put an end to it quick. I wish I had, now things have gotten completely out of hand.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Dont tell her of your snooping method. If you do, she'll work around it and you may not be able to track her as well in the future.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You need to talk to her. Also, VAR in her car? Check the phone bills for weird activity?


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## Vinnie (Sep 22, 2012)

Guys, thanks for all the advice. Some real helpful stuff there and I appreciate it.

Truth be told I think I'm nearly at the stage now where I'd like to find something further than just stalking, ye know?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Vinnie said:


> Guys, thanks for all the advice. Some real helpful stuff there and I appreciate it.
> 
> Truth be told I think I'm nearly at the stage now where I'd like to find something further than just stalking, ye know?


No, you don't, you really don't need anything further.

Look here pal. 

EAs are trouble, and they can escalate from cordial "how are you" messages to sexting and nudie pics faster than you can believe. 

You need to nip this potential EA in the bud, NOW.

Or would you rather wait until shes telling him about her problems in the marriage, flirty and sexting messages, or her telling him how understanding he is and wishing she married him back then? 

She is visiting the facebook page of someone who shes had intimate relations with, and shes doing this multiple times a week.

It is completely unacceptable AND inappropriate, thats why shes covering her tracks. 

Man up and kill this potential EA before it even begins. Let her know how bad this is and how much it is hurting you and the marriage.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Let's not be hasty.

AFAHK, she has NOT been in contact with him. She's 'whistful'.

Yes, I'd check the phone records. Yes, I might install a VAR.

Yes, it's sad you need to do that but she's broken trust, not you. If this comes up in conversation, mention that you are REacting to her ACTIONS.

But she's entering the edges of the Fog, so have this conversation NOW.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Vinnie said:


> Guys, thanks for all the advice. Some real helpful stuff there and I appreciate it.
> 
> Truth be told I think I'm nearly at the stage now where I'd like to find something further than just stalking, ye know?


Are you looking for something so that you can bail? If not, tell her the reason you're withdrawing from her and follow the advice from the posters above.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> Truth be told I think I'm nearly at the stage now where I'd like to find something further than just stalking, ye know?


What happens when you let a brush fire spread????????????
Don't stand on the side lines watching. Get your a$$ in the game and play to win.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Why have you let this go on without TALKING to your wife about it. Sure, you had the initial conversation, but you've been in stealth mode for MONTHS, months for her to build up her own reality in her head & months for you to build up your own reality in your head. Before you know it, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy - you two will be on such different pages that it will be hard to recover. Is it really so ridiculous to talk directly about things with your spouse?


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