# wife said she isnt thinking about sex during sex



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Every now and then we get a date away from kids. Wife has a drink and gets honest. Tonight she says she won't tell me what she's been thinking about during sex but it isn't sex.
I'm sitting here pouting. She won't sat more when I asked for explanation. I thought we had a good sex life. What is going on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Not sure. Does not sound good. But earlier in the year she started to ejaculate. NFW she is not thinking about sex then.

But her comment tells me you need to engage her brain more around sex. To make it more exciting.

Please tell me the TV is not on when you have sex. Also remember that foreplay starts very early on in the day. It is s slow seduction. Oh not always but you get my drift. It needs to be some times. Trying taking a shower together and then go down on her. Try giving her a long full body sensuous massage. You need to get it to where she is the one who can;t take the sexual tension any more and she jumps on you.

Other times just ravage her. Get lost in here. Make some noise. make is so there is no way she is thinking about anything else.

That said, is there something that has her preoccupied? Worried about something else.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Not sure. Does not sound good. But earlier in the year she started to ejaculate. NFW she is not thinking about sex then.
> 
> But her comment tells me you need to engage her brain more around sex. To make it more exciting.


For me... If it is the same thing over and over or I'm say giving a BJ for umpteen minutes sometimes i find myself thinking of things that I should be doing instead. I usually catch myself though and immediately focus on the task at hand again. Because seriously, I rather be focussing on sex than dishes anyway...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tracyishere said:


> For me... If it is the same thing over and over or I'm say giving a BJ for umpteen minutes sometimes i find myself thinking of things that I should be doing instead. I usually catch myself though and immediately focus on the task at hand again. Because seriously, I rather be focussing on sex than dishes anyway...


So what can you do to change it up?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> So what can you do to change it up?


It's not so much an issue anymore. My h used to just lay there like a sack of potatoes, which did nothing for me. Now, he is more involved and I don't have that problem anymore. 

So I guess I needed to be stimulated a bit more.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The trick for me to last much longer, is to put my mind somewhere else without letting the wife clue in. I can go and go and go this way but as soon as I come back, I go quickly.

She likes it when I have some music playing softly and lots of cuddling first.

We don't even have a TV in the bedroom or upstairs for that matter. Only a TV in the living room for us but each room is wired for TV and internet if need be.

Maybe your sweetie is thinking about another hot guy while you have sex? Who knows.

Use a small vib on her and give her oral and see how she likes it.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> It's not so much an issue anymore. My h used to just lay there like a sack of potatoes, which did nothing for me. Now, he is more involved and I don't have that problem anymore.
> 
> So I guess I needed to be stimulated a bit more.


Get that mind and body in sync and no telling what can happen

And yes it starts with the see you tonight kiss when you leave for work in the AM


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Well that's extremely odd. How does a woman stay aroused at all if her mind is elsewhere?

Gseriers, your mind must be going in a thousand directions right now. So listen up....please.

Tell her you can't read her mind and when she starts to wander away from what's happening, she needs to let you know. If you feel she might refuse, or she might fudge it and not tell you, engage her mind by talking to her about what you're doing and how it feels. Ask her to tell you what she feels. 
"How're you doing, baby?"
"Tell me if you like this."
"How about I switch it up a little?"

I could not answer those questions during sex. I could nod, or grunt or moan, but my brain shuts off to articulation.

She really was unfair to drop a bomb on you like that but refuse to follow it up. Maybe you should keep up with the questions to get her to open up more...not let her hide and pretend she didn't say what she did.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Oh, I'm all about letting her slide away! No seriously I slept on the couch not out of spite but confusion. I don't understand why this happens. I think eveything is fine then wham. Shot of reality out of nowhere. Like two years ago with the "18 years with you and I've never had an orgasm.". Which just about destroyed my pride. But I worked on it. It just that we can't have hour long sexathons we just don't have time.
Oh, and is it wrong that I know she's not into it? I can tell she wants me to hurry up or gets surprised when I'm not staying hard.
Thanks all for listening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Not sure. Does not sound good. But earlier in the year she started to ejaculate. NFW she is not thinking about sex then.
> 
> My only TMI comment is that she gets here, ejaculation, through some pretty hard thrusting with a g spot vibe. It's very erotic, but, um, not to sound lame but it reminds me that there is no possible way I could replicate that during intercourse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My mind is chatter free during that time. I'm not thinking about anything and enjoying the moment. I don't think about sex during the act either. I don't see anything wrong with that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Oh, I'm all about letting her slide away! No seriously I slept on the couch not out of spite but confusion. I don't understand why this happens. I think eveything is fine then wham. Shot of reality out of nowhere. Like two years ago with the "18 years with you and I've never had an orgasm.". Which just about destroyed my pride. But I worked on it. It just that we can't have hour long sexathons we just don't have time.
> Oh, and is it wrong that I know she's not into it? I can tell she wants me to hurry up or gets surprised when I'm not staying hard.
> Thanks all for listening.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm sorry your foundation was so rocked by her very very late admission. Having done something very similar to my own husband after about 15 years of marriage, you seem to have taken it pretty well.

Why do so many of us have such a difficult time being honest about sex and communicating about sex? Is it because women take a while to figure out how their body works? Is it because hardly anyone seems to enter a marriage being able to know one another's bodies, or with the understanding and expectation that "knowing your partner's body, reactions and thoughts" was cut and dry and easy to figure out?

Married sex can be so horribly complicated. And then you add in how hurt a husband feels when he finally learns the truth and his previously held beliefs go flying out the window along with his sexual self confidence.

Why does married sex have to be so damn complicated!!!!

Because it hurts to be vulnerable?
Because it's scary to admit to not knowing something?
Because it's frightening to think what you feel isn't returned?
Because it's dangerous to be honest?
Because fear of being found inadequate keeps us silent?

Gseries, there are things you can do and there are things she can do, but it's useless to keep trying and doing (taking ownership of the whole issue) unless she is also in the game.

I have to get a root canal done soon. Ugh I am so dreading it! The discomfort, the noise, the high pitched whine of the drill, the yanking and digging...I wish I could just avoid this whole thing and pretend my tooth is fine. I love me dentist but hate having work done and wish I could be put under general anesthesia.

Communicating about sex is like that for a lot of people. Toss out a problem, (my mind is elsewhere during sex) and then they go under and leave you to do the work to fix it. Not Fair.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Well anon, you r a great sounding board. And I'm sorry about your tooth, can't you request anesthesia?
I'm wondering where elsewhere is for a woman. I'm old enough now that I don't need to think about baseball to last longer. I love it when I'm thinking about the task at hand and totally in the moment.
She's taken to the from-behind almost exclusively now, I'm guessing to avoid eye contact! Easier to be elsewhere when you don't have to make eye contact. So where does my woman go? Fabio? The laundry room?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm sorry your foundation was so rocked by her very very late admission. Having done something very similar to my own husband after about 15 years of marriage, you seem to have taken it pretty well.
> 
> How did he respond?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

> Communicating about sex is like that for a lot of people. Toss out a problem, (my mind is elsewhere during sex) and then they go under and leave you to do the work to fix it. Not Fair.


So much this.

Honestly, my mind wanders too, and it's my job to bring it back, not H's. There is also such a thing as "getting lost in the feeling". (I've heard that romance novels actually do use that phrase? There's some truth to it.) If I focus on the feelings H gives my body, it's not "thinking about the sex" but taking the risk to not think at all and be in that moment.

But I don't think that's what your wife was saying, G. Her comment about orgasming, he expectation that you'll not only read her mind but fix what is obviously her thinking problem, and her callousness are disturbing.

G, are you expecting her to orgasm via PIV every time? That's unrealistic. Some women can't get the O through PIV (with no other stim) any time.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> So much this.
> 
> Honestly, my thinking problem, and her callousness are disturbing.
> 
> G, are you expecting her to orgasm via PIV every time? That's unrealistic. Some women can't get the O through PIV (with no other stim) any time.


Not everytime, but once? How sad is that..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Gseries said:


> Not everytime, but once? How sad is that..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My SO has only orgasmed a couple of times through PIV in our almost 3 year relationship. Do I wish it was more often? Sure, I do. But she can orgasm by the bucketfuls through other means, so why let that bother me? I trust her when she says that there's nothing I should be doing differently, and that it still feels good to her. And she often will bring out a small bullet vibrator to use on herself while we have PIV, which often results in a squirting orgasm that we both love. Is that cheating? Perhaps, but I don't care too much about that. I still get to feel her orgasm while inside her.

C


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I know that the desire to give a PIV O is strong, I hear that. My H tried to explain the gut-level power it gives him. But the reality of the construction of the muscle group is that it's a horseshoe. (I'm looking for the link to the "How Sex Changed the World episode which discussed this.)Expecting only the vaginal walls to respond is placing a lot upon her. 

Can you live with the possibility that she might be one of the women for whom "never" applies? If so, do you think less of her for it? Less of yourself? Those are questions you'll have to answer. if the answer is "yes", maybe it's time to look at not why you think that's important to have happen, but how you learned that. Maybe it's time to undo some conditioning.

edited to add: these are question to ask yourself. I'm sounding bossy this morning.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Ok. I also have to think about erotic scenes in my mind to stimulate me more when I get bored. Perhaps your wife is embarrassed about her thoughts. Maybe she thinks through a fantasy of hers while you're pounding away? A fantasy perhaps that makes her uncomfortable to share.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Can you live with the possibility that she might be one of the women for whom "never" applies? If so, do you think less of her for it? Less of yourself? Those are questions you'll have to answer. if the answer is "yes", maybe it's time to look at not why you think that's important to have happen, but how you learned that. Maybe it's time to undo some conditioning.

edited to add: these are question to ask yourself. I'm sounding bossy this morning.[/QUOTE]

your answers are easy...

yes i can live with it; no i don't think less of her; yes i think less of myself; PopLit is usually the driver for the attitude that all women have orgasms during sex with their husbands.

not sounding bossy at all.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I still don't think you're the problem. I mean, what can ya do? Demand she get it together and communicate effectively? (sarcasm)

But really, her attitude toward you is so mean. She doesn't seem willing to do the emotional or physical work necessary for sex to be awesome for her, and in turn, for both of you.

When I bring a bad attitude to the sexual table, dinner isn't usually served, much less dessert. I wouldn't want to sc*ew me either on those days. (I don't insult my H any more, but I'll admit I did years ago. It greatly contributed to the lack of trust we have now, as well as to confusion and resentment from him. I regret being an ahole.)


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I really feel bad about your situation.  Your wife should at least tell you what she is thinking about. My H knows every erotic scene I use...he even finds things for me he thinks I'd like. 

Open communication is so important with sex.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Anon Pink said:
> 
> 
> > I'm sorry your foundation was so rocked by her very very late admission. Having done something very similar to my own husband after about 15 years of marriage, you seem to have taken it pretty well.
> ...


Not well. That was the beginning of the lowest of the many low points and it lasted for about 2 years. He was never very attuned emotionally, but withdrew even more. He developed ED and withdrew even more. Our relationship was awful at the time, we didn't speak to each other except kids/family stuff, I slept in the guest room... Not well at all.

He avoided me, my feelings, our disconnect, our sexual relationship...everything painful was swept under the rug and ignored...which meant I felt ignored, marginalized and dismissed.

So don't go there G. I know this hurts. But deal with the pain out in the open. Tell her how you feel and how you question yourself as a man when she drops bombshells then walks away from the problem. Keep at it because if you don't keep at it, the message you send is NOT the one you want her to hear.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

That was a meanthing to say and its a mean thing to do. What you think about during sex is a CHOICE. My body might not cooperate (and often doesn't cooperate as I would like it to) but there is no excuse for not giving your spouse your full attention during physical intimacy.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Agreed, she pretty much told him it's not a matter of wandering brain, but instead she is choosing to denigrate him. Slinging an insult just iced the mean girl cake for her.

The worst part is that actions like hers (and your responses, OP) are usually driven by fear. But he*l, if no one discusses the fear, then it's a standoff.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Thoughts on opening line, the tension breaker?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Gseries said:


> Thoughts on opening line, the tension breaker?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Play "your" song and ask her to dance
Tell her what you think about during sex....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> Play "your" song and ask her to dance
> Tell her what you think about during sex....


You know... I think that's perfect! It's suave, seductive and opens the door for the discussion in general.

I think it may let her wiggle off the hook too easily though so G is gonna hafta keep at it.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

GSeries, after she revealed that she didn't orgasm, were you pressuring her in the sex act? In other words, did you pressure her to reveal why she wasn't having an O? If you did, maybe she is just at the place where she wants to reveal her truth and damn how it comes out. I'm at that place right now, I am tired of trying to spare my hubby's feelings. If I don't feel like sex at the moment then that is what it is, and I will lovingly give him what he needs.

I'm tired of pretending then being told that it is not good enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I found myself earlier this year telling my husband I hadn't been having O with him - we also have been married 18 years. However, I feel it had gone on so long because at first I wanted to cover up for my own shortcomings (so to speak) - not being able to easily O or O from intercourse - and then it became a matter of not wanting to hurt his feelings.

At some point you stop believing you can O - and after that happens your body doesn't get that turned on, because it seems there is little point. Your brain says don't bother and your body says okay.

However, I still maintain that it is mean and rude and within your choice not to give your partner your full attention during sex.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Also wanted to add that my husband had never given me any oral or manual stimulation and was averse to bringing toys in. Literally he was only touching me with his penis. Therefore - it was certainly mean of me to wait 18 years and it was also really really hurt his pride. However, by that point it had to be a blunt point or things weren't going to change.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Did they change? Can u have an O now?
We just talked, and result was this, "I can't suppress life. Money and kids. I am sorry I ever brought it up"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry, I'm sure that was very hurtful to hear. I hope though, that something she didn't mean to say can lead to change for the better in your marriage. I think women can keep a lot inside that they really should be saying outloud.

I went to therapy to work on my reasons for waiting so long to say something and my husband worked on trying new things. I wish I could say its a homerun every time now but the truth of the matter is some ladies aren't that easy to get off. I'm one of those ladies. Still, sex is at a much higher quality than it was before. 

However - I do think that a commitment between two people to change and work on sex is always, always positive and a good thing. It does take both people though.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hang on - Ive been drinking so I'm adding more. Ive always been able to O by myself - so you would think it wouldn't be that difficult for someone else to do it.

My current issue is the fact that H has never expressed to me that it doesn't matter how long it takes. We are somewhat stuck in the issue that after about 10 minutes my mental timer goes off and I feel I cant ask him for any more time. Once this takes place mentally its not going to happen so I stop him from trying. He does not resist when I stop him. This is the problem.

I'm only sharing this because honestly it may take 30 minutes to get your wife off. Its not only important to find out how to do it but also to assure her that you want to be doing it and it doesn't matter how much time it takes. That is the advice I would give anyone with a wife who doesn't get off on a dime.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

That's hilarious, I've been drinking....
OK so I know my wife is orgasmic and probably masturbates daily. I am always willing to spend the time trying but my fear is that it isn't worth it to her....she can get off in her own after I'm done, or, already has and I just don't know it. This didn't cause too much trouble on our 30s. I've always been willing to go down there, use toys, etc and not just PIV. I just don't know if getting out the trusty vibe every time is still lovemaking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> That's hilarious, I've been drinking....
> OK so I know my wife is orgasmic and probably masturbates daily. I am always willing to spend the time trying but my fear is that it isn't worth it to her....she can get off in her own after I'm done, or, already has and I just don't know it. This didn't cause too much trouble on our 30s. I've always been willing to go down there, use toys, etc and not just PIV. I just don't know if getting out the trusty vibe every time is still lovemaking?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes it is. Lovemaking includes any activity you both wish to include, or exclude, so long as you both feel that activity as an expression of love toward the other.

Most women want their men to WANT them. To WANT to make them come apart, to WANT to watch them orgasm and to WANT to do what ever it is that makes that happen. To WANT to "go down there" is VERY different that being willing to go down there.

You know that song, Your body's a Wonderland. That says it all about what women want. We want you to be there because it what you want, it delights you to delight us.

Perhaps is hard to explain or understand, but it is SO EASY to feel. We can feel it when you don't. And we can feel it when you do.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm there with you. My wife in the throes of my orgasm asked me if I put my toothbrush away. That ended that. Once before when I was trying my best to pleasure her she said, "I'm only doing this for you" and wanted me to stop trying to stimulate her. 

Her reason is she is not interested in sex and could go the rest of her life and not miss it. She says it's never been the same since she had a total hysterectomy about 15 years ago.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I know on days when I masturbate it's harder to orgasm with my H when he goes down on me, which is the ONLY way I've ever orgasmed with a partner - no PIV O's ever. So, if your wife is masturbating daily, that could be getting in the way of her being present. She's had hers, so to speak, earlier in the day, and she is now doing PIV for you. And just being human, if she's not getting an O out of it, she may not feel motivated to be mentally there. 

SO...I think its reasonable for you to ask her to save her sexual energy for you, accept that she can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation, read the book "She Comes First" - do what it says - and I think if she's willing to save her O's mostly for you instead of doing it alone, this issue might clear up. 

This may sound harsh, but a woman CAN completely disassociate herself mentally from PIV I think in part because the in-and-out becomes like white noise - you become numb to it if nothing else is going on.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I can't imagine not think about sex during sex. 

And we live life, a LOT of it. We both work full time jobs, two kids, dinner to make, house to keep clean and running together. 

We are beat at the end of the day! 

But we always take our shower together. We touch, wash, shampoo, and massage, each other etc. we have sex and I am lucky to be able to O during PIV. I don't every time, but even if I don't - it still feels good to me. I'm still there in the moment. I'm with him, that's all that matters to me - even if I don't get off, the connection is so much more than an orgasm. There is so very much more to making love than an orgasm. 

I wish women could just enjoy it. Be with your man. Enjoy him, hold him, love him. 

However, there should be times to work on an O for her if her H/SO doesn't exactly know how. Or if she doesn't know exactly how!

And I agree with other posters, it's important for him to let her know he doesn't care how long it takes to get there.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

One other suggestion - I think talking to her during sex can bring her back - if she likes the dirtier version "your p**** feels so good" can work and if not so much - "i love being inside of you" or "you are so beautiful." Engage her mentally by talking to her.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I can't imagine not think about sex during sex. 

And we live life, a LOT of it. We both work full time jobs, two kids, dinner to make, house to keep clean and running together. 

We are beat at the end of the day! 

But we always take our shower together. We touch, wash, shampoo, and massage, each other etc. we have sex and I am lucky to be able to O during PIV. I don't every time, but even if I don't - it still feels good to me. I'm still there in the moment. I'm with him, that's all that matters to me - even if I don't get off, the connection is so much more than an orgasm. There is so very much more to making love than an orgasm. 

I wish women could just enjoy it. Be with your man. Enjoy him, hold him, love him. 

However, there should be times to work on an O for her if her H/SO doesn't exactly know how. Or if she doesn't know exactly how!

And I agree with other posters, it's important for him to let her know he doesn't care how long it takes to get there.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I would be less worried about her not thinking about sex and more worried they she won't tell you what she thinks about. It was unfair of her to drop this on you if she was unwilling to share with you where her mind is going. 

several years ago at a married couples retreat for our church. Our pastor related a woman's mind to a six lane super highway and a mans mind to a dirt road. For most men it is easy to concentrate on the task at hand and nothing else, while the woman is constantly thinking about you, the kids, her job, the house that needs cleaning, you name it. To get totally on task traffic in all but one lane must stop. I thought he was full of it but my wife confirmed that thus was true for her. She said she had a hard time staying on task during sex. To aid this I now make her get more involved and constantly ask her questions and talk dirty to her. She said it helped tremendously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I'm totally with you. Sans the analogy, we had this talk last night, during an hour long massage. So I guess this leaves me here...I'm not completely responsible, and I might need to do some coaching to keep her head in the game. I'm assuming we all agree that quickies are exempt from this. As a sidenote...talking dirty works for W, but its so hard to do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Gseries said:


> I'm totally with you. Sans the analogy, we had this talk last night, during an hour long massage. So I guess this leaves me here...I'm not completely responsible, and I might need to do some coaching to keep her head in the game. I'm assuming we all agree that quickies are exempt from this. As a sidenote...talking dirty works for W, but its so hard to do!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is hard to learn, but I did it recently. I'm sure you can too assuming your wife will work with you and keep it going. Read this thread. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/129922-wife-wants-me-talk-dirty-during-sex.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abra-Brie (Oct 20, 2013)

Hi GSeries,

I hate games personally. Telling you that she is thinking of smething else, not sex and then saying she won't tell you is a GAME.

She knows it is eating at you to know what she's thinking of. Personally, if she doesn't want to tell you immediately, ignore the game and go about your normal routine. You aren't supposed to be psychic and read her mind. 

She seems to be purposefully telling you things to upset you. This sort of sounds like a childish "getting you back" type of thing. 

She didn't have an orgasm for 18 years and didn't say anything? Was she faking it all that time? That's a sort of dishonesty if so and it's not necessarily your fault that you didn't know - if it's even true.

SHE is also responsible for her own orgasm. You have to want it and dive into those fun feelings. If she didn't get it during sex with you, she could have maybe put your hand somewhere convenient, or her hand for hat matter, or used a toy. Either way, she isn't being honest with you.

I keep suggesting mariage counceling today but maybe it's the post I pick. I'd find a marriage councelor that can work with the two of you to 1st, fix the games she's playing and what seems a long history of her keeping some important information from you. Next, you can start over perhaps with cuddling and work your way up to what some others said, seduction and sex.

If she still isn't into it well, sometimes some people aren't. Whether its a hang up, their past or they just don't like sex, you can feel you tried and itisn't YOUR problem or fault.

With comments like she's making, it's no wonder you have difficulty sometims at 'getting to attion'. Remember, she's not the only one who has to be "in the mood" and she could provide some assstance there, if you know what I mean. She's supposed to be involved.

End result - She's angry about something big. Get to a therapist with her.


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## Abra-Brie (Oct 20, 2013)

Good luck and try not to feel too pressured.

Abra-Brie


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Gseries said:


> That's hilarious, I've been drinking....
> OK so I know my wife is orgasmic and probably masturbates daily. I am always willing to spend the time trying but my fear is that it isn't worth it to her....she can get off in her own after I'm done, or, already has and I just don't know it. This didn't cause too much trouble on our 30s. I've always been willing to go down there, use toys, etc and not just PIV. I just don't know if getting out the trusty vibe every time is still lovemaking?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Aside from her attitude, her masturbation is very likely hurting your sex life and marriage. No different than a guy masturbating to porn then not being able to get together with his wife later that evening.

If she refuses to address this, your changes won't do much.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't think her masturbation itself is hurting the sex life. some women, myself included, can masturbate 2-3 times a day and still want sex later. In fact, I want to masturbate the morning after a fabulous sex session!

But you are right in linking it to problematic porn usage.

If she is keeping her sexual self to herself, that is the problem. Whether she has shut that thing down, or takes care of herself in private only, she isn't sharing that part of herself and THAT is the problem.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't think her masturbation itself is hurting the sex life. some women, myself included, can masturbate 2-3 times a day and still want sex later. In fact, I want to masturbate the morning after a fabulous sex session!


Certainly. But that is not what is happening here. 



> But you are right in linking it to problematic porn usage.
> 
> If she is keeping her sexual self to herself, that is the problem. Whether she has shut that thing down, or takes care of herself in private only, she isn't sharing that part of herself and THAT is the problem.


I compared it to porn because doing so may alter how he approaches the issue. He has been given advice on what he can do to change things. But it is not clear to me that him changing his actions will make any difference with her continuing her behavior.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I suppose that's always my concern...if its something I can change, at least it makes sense....I can fix it. But what I'm hearing is if she doesn't want to change, I'm screwed, so to speak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't think her masturbation itself is hurting the sex life. some women, myself included, can masturbate 2-3 times a day and still want sex later. In fact, I want to masturbate the morning after a fabulous sex session!
> .


2-3 times a day! That's fantastic. Isn't that tiring?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> 2-3 times a day! That's fantastic. Isn't that tiring?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not at all. Orgasms don't wear me out so much I Have to nap. 2-3 a day would be awesome, but that opportunity doesn't come around too often. H works from home sometimes, kids adult kids in and out...driving me nuts.

Could everyone get out of my house so I can rub one or two out...please just give me an hour!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> I suppose that's always my concern...if its something I can change, at least it makes sense....I can fix it. But what I'm hearing is if she doesn't want to change, I'm screwed, so to speak.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps you should make mutual masturbation part of love making? Open up that avenue to make it shared, not solo.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Perhaps you should make mutual masturbation part of love making? Open up that avenue to make it shared, not solo.


Not sure this is workable. While I am all for a person changing their behavior (because they can't change their spouse), this strikes me as giving her that much more control. She has already shown that control with her comments and actions. Now, she is acting in a way that is actively hurting their sex life (and marriage) and the response is that he needs to embrace that behavior.

I fear that will lead to her feeling emboldened and him feeling more resentment.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I only resent that she doesn't want to share with me, or can't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> I only resent that she doesn't want to share with me, or can't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then there's your answer.

She might be hesitant to share, it is a rather intimidating prospect. But talking about it, bringing it up in non direct ways, then outright asking for her to masturbate for you... Seems more likely to help than hurt.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Sigh. Talking led to list of unsolveable stressors. At least I know where I stand! It seems sex is q stress reliever for me but just the opposite to her. I'll buy that as I tend to masturbate more during high stress times.
We've tried mutual masturbation it just doesn't seem to work for her. Even with lights off she just can't there with me in the room. Close, but not over the edge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> I'm totally with you. Sans the analogy, we had this talk last night, during an hour long massage. So I guess this leaves me here...I'm not completely responsible, and I might need to do some coaching to keep her head in the game. I'm assuming we all agree that quickies are exempt from this. As a sidenote...talking dirty works for W, but its so hard to do!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


is your wife ok with hurting you? Is she willing to stop masturbating daily? I ask b/c she is/has trained her body to only O when she is in control. Most woman that can't orgasm can't, not due to their bodies, it is due to their minds.
I guarantee you if she was in the moment and honestly had allowed herself freedom of mind sexually. She would be able to allow her mental state to build to the O through a bit of coaching.
I highly suggest you read and read and learn how to be great in bed. This means knowing the female anatomy like a gyno. It also requires you and your wife being able to communicate during the act (especially early on) to really make sure you are on the spots she needs you to be. Also positions are important (especially for some woman)
They all have the same parts down there, man. Yeah some more sensitive than others, but that is true for men as well.
Obviously a mans job in the sack is more difficult. That is why I am telling you to get all the sex knowledge you can.
There are classes, workshops etc... In these sessions you have couples that are in their 20's, all the way up to flat out old. Many have woman that have never had a PIV O, a ton who have never had a G spot O. Guess what. They all have the ability to do it. The ones that say they can't say this because it is easier to live with believing that excuse, as they have to take no fault.
My wife had nothing but Clitoral O's for years. One day, I asked her more information then I had ever thought to. I started with her G spot. Sad, but in 18 years as a couple we had never discussed it. So I read, and read, and watched videos and learned. Then I became the teacher, and she was a willing student, who trusted me and let go mentally.
It took a few sessions to work out the kinks, and for some I have heard it takes as long as a year to be able to freely allow the intensity to occur and let the mind and body go, but if you are patient and willing, it will happen.
There are a few medical exceptions to the rule out there, but most woman that claim they can't are wrong and any expert will tell them that, they just do not want to believe it. I understand it must be hard for them. No different really then a man that can't last more than a few seconds, minutes before releasing. Many men reside to that is just how they are. Not true.
Now I have a wife that is so excited to get in bed, she can have O's from all kinds of different spots. I now know her body like I know my own, and I give her the true credit for that. She was a willing partner in the education process. She learned, she communicated, she trusted, and now she gets the benefit.
If you asked me 2 years ago how long it would take me to give her an O I would say, I really had no idea, it just randomly happens.
Now if you ask me that I would say which type of O? Again, there has to be 100% trust and she has to give her self over to you sexually. Not just get naked and wait. Once she learns to stop all the mental pressure, her body will relax and once you learn her body you will know the difference between it being relaxed and ready and not. If not, I do things I know work for her, never rush it.
Educate, educate, educate....It is worth it.
Also I get no greater pleasure then the pleasure I give her body. If you are having sex mostly concentrating on your pleasure, as a man, you will be a terrible lover. There is a reason we get off once and they can multiple times a session. Concentrate on your partner, make her a queen in the bedroom.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Perhaps you should make mutual masturbation part of love making? Open up that avenue to make it shared, not solo.



That's what we do sometimes, he'll kiss my breasts or smack my a$$ while I masturbate. I would say that masturbating in front of each other is very intimate, and if she won't do it in front of you then you have an overall intimacy problem. No f$cking way I would've done it in front of my ex for that very reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I'm not too far off the mark here. I've devoured several books, studied, watched and asked questions. My question to you fine people is....after seeking the advice of a counselor (re: the 18 year-I've-never-O-with-you), Mr. Counselor advised me that her O was her problem, not mine. So why am I doing all the homework?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> I'm not too far off the mark here. I've devoured several books, studied, watched and asked questions. My question to you fine people is....after seeking the advice of a counselor (re: the 18 year-I've-never-O-with-you), Mr. Counselor advised me that her O was her problem, not mine. So why am I doing all the homework?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because you're not an a$$hole and actually care about your partner. Don't lose that quality. I think your counselor means that there's nothing you can do without her efforts. I don't know where you go from here because you have an unwilling partner. Very sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

Gseries said:


> I'm not too far off the mark here. I've devoured several books, studied, watched and asked questions. My question to you fine people is....after seeking the advice of a counselor (re: the 18 year-I've-never-O-with-you), Mr. Counselor advised me that her O was her problem, not mine. So why am I doing all the homework?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

As a fellow 18 year no orgasm - I find I'm never quite sure what to think about this - she's responsible for her orgasm. I have an immediate emotional response - it doesn't feel good. It's somewhere between wanting to punch something and feeling like crying. So I try to be open to the fact that the truth hurts sometimes.

However - in the case of a woman who doesn't like sex particularly and the woman who tries to get out of sex and doesn't really care about sex - I wonder how this phrase is interpreted. To me it sounds like her O IS her problem, and she chooses to opt out. I am rather at a loss as to how allowing her orgasm to be her problem is helpful if she doesn't care about it. 

Her husband is trying to make sex more enjoyable for her so she might start to care about it. I would think that was a reasonable response.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

To my wifes credit and counselors discredit, she wasnt faking them and I never fully convinced him. I gotta say that would be totally different and very hurtful.
Maybe I'm a fool for thinking I can unlock the ancient mystery of "what is my wife thinking?"
I think we r in a dry spell. Still having sex, but her head isn't in the game. And I hate that my marriage has such a double standard. I'm not allowed to "not have my head in the game".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> As a fellow 18 year no orgasm - I find I'm never quite sure what to think about this - she's responsible for her orgasm. I have an immediate emotional response - it doesn't feel good. It's somewhere between wanting to punch something and feeling like crying. So I try to be open to the fact that the truth hurts sometimes.
> 
> However - in the case of a woman who doesn't like sex particularly and the woman who tries to get out of sex and doesn't really care about sex - I wonder how this phrase is interpreted. To me it sounds like her O IS her problem, and she chooses to opt out. I am rather at a loss as to how allowing her orgasm to be her problem is helpful if she doesn't care about it.
> 
> Her husband is trying to make sex more enjoyable for her so she might start to care about it. I would think that was a reasonable response.


Miss Scarlett, from your first post and ever since your mission has been to improve your sex life with your husband. "She is responsible for her own orgasm" essentially means that she has to want it enough to work for it and cannot lay back and expect it to happen. Her head has to be in it to get it. This does NOT apply to you...not even a little bit.

As women, we really aren't raised to have a good foundation for having a good sex life. We really have to work at it, some more than others, but it doesn't just happen for us.

There are lots of things our partners can do to help us, LOTS! But ultimately, if a woman isn't working for it, trying for it, consciously opening herself to get it, it won't happen and our partners cannot take the blame. You ARE working for it!

You've worked so hard and you've generously shared what I believe to be some incredibly personal things in an effort to make it happen. I think your effort is to be applauded and looked up to. Your posts exemplify how "not easy" a good sex life is and exemplify how vital it is that BOTH partners take down their walls and work together.


...........Miss Scarlett.........
:allhail:


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Not sure. Does not sound good. But earlier in the year she started to ejaculate. NFW she is not thinking about sex then.
> 
> But her comment tells me you need to engage her brain more around sex. To make it more exciting.
> 
> ...


So the best way to make a wife interested in sex is to spend the entire day seducing her...really??

No wonder men go to hookers...:rofl:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Gseries said:


> I only resent that she doesn't want to share with me, or can't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What won't she share with you?


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> So the best way to make a wife interested in sex is to spend the entire day seducing her...really??
> 
> No wonder men go to hookers...:rofl:


Funny. I've said before I've learned to enjoy giving the full body massage, it gives me time to clear my head, explore my wifes beautiful body. The sex after is just a bonus. But I can't see that as a standard, not with kids, job, sleep, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Anon - you always crack me up (and make me feel better) . Thanks!


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> What won't she share with you?


Hm. It's almost too embarrassing to type. Her O. I really don't have a clue how to get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Anon - you always crack me up (and make me feel better) . Thanks!


Agree!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Gseries - I'm sorry if you already said - have you been able to ask her outright about her orgasms? 

I really wish my husband would ask. He doesn't ask or ever mention it and its very difficult to bring up.

I do know its difficult to ask. I feel sometimes like there is a dam between my brain and my mouth and the words just wont come out. If he would ask - that would make it easy for me. Until then I will have to work on bringing it up myself.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Funny. I've said before I've learned to enjoy giving the full body massage, it gives me time to clear my head, explore my wifes beautiful body. The sex after is just a bonus. But I can't see that as a standard, not with kids, job, sleep, etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now I LOVE this! Communicate this very clearly to your wife. 

Also, I'm happy that missthelove's "joke" was called out. His funny post wasn't even remotely funny to me and illuminated exactly why he might be missing the love.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Gseries - I'm sorry if you already said - have you been able to ask her outright about her orgasms?
> 
> I really wish my husband would ask. He doesn't ask or ever mention it and its very difficult to bring up.
> 
> I do know its difficult to ask. I feel sometimes like there is a dam between my brain and my mouth and the words just wont come out. If he would ask - that would make it easy for me. Until then I will have to work on bringing it up myself.


in my humble opinion, men respond better to direction, reward and information they can act on. It would help me to hear, "I'm have trouble getting there. Can you please try doing this next. Don't dwell on this or obsess over it. I'm just letting you know you can help me by doing..."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Gseries said:


> Hm. It's almost too embarrassing to type. Her O. I really don't have a clue how to get there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Consider that there is a lot more than she is unable to share with you. The O is merely a symptom.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

True that. I'm sulking and hiding in my bedroom, hoping Anon will write something witty and profound.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> True that. I'm sulking and hiding in my bedroom, hoping Anon will write something witty and profound.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol: far too much pressure, I've just lost my boner.

I think TAG is right.

This isn't just a sex problem. This is a problem of incomplete emotional intimacy. If she is forced to examine herself to find the answers for you, she may have to look at things that make her uncomfortable.

I don't know what constructively to suggest. Read some book together? Go to therapy? Therapy will only work if she can be honest and open and it doesn't sound like it.

Do your level best not to take this personally. Continue to shower her with love, affection and nice words. But don't just give up on what you want either.

Like Miss Scarlett said and I concur, you have to ask her directly. Several times and in different ways.

Do you have orgasms when you masturbate?
What do you think about then? (I wouldn't tell my H either but it's worth a shot)
Will you tell me what you like for me to do?
Would you like to have orgasms when we have sex?

You have to show your desire for her, not just during sex but all the time.

You have to get her out of the house and away from the kids on a regular basis. Overnights in nearby hotels, weekends away, week long couples time. She has got to get back the mind set of the sexy girl friend and get rid of Mom to wrap her brain around bringing out her sexual self.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Do your level best not to take this personally. Continue to shower her with love, affection and nice words. But don't just give up on what you want either.


You also need to prepare yourself for the idea that she won't change or open up to you. I hope that is not the case, but it is possible.

So as you work to not take it personally, think about what you plan to do if none of this works. Open yourself up to the possibility that she won't change (because in the end, you can't make her do anything). Set a time frame in your head for how long you want to work on this before you need to see some effort or progress on her end. If you don't, it becomes too easy to waste too many years doing all the work and expecting her to change.

Edit - I want to clarify that this is not to say that you should leave her or expect nothing to happen. Rather, you need to recognize that it is one of many possibilities, and you need to prepare for it. Leaving any option off the table can harm your efforts to work on your marriage.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

My efforts have yielded this. Women are a complicated species, especially since I have to time this conversation during a time when hormones aren't an influence, pro or con, and I'm wondering if that is never!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

As a previously sexually defective wife, I can categorically say that the knowledge, even when NOT acknowledged out loud, that you are letting your husband down regarding sex is quite the buzz kill. It feels like an unsolvable problem and the knee jerk reaction is to shift the blame to him, to his "constant desire for sex even when it's not fulfilling." 

I guess I should check to ensure you preface each conversation with your desire not only for her, but your desire to learn to love her and please her in ways that work for her. And when she puts up walls and becomes angry and defensive, you are left feeling like she doesn't want to figure out a way so you both can feel each sexual encounter adds to the love rather than taking from the love.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I just use dirty talk and other methods to make sure she is there with me

for example...every time I thrust inside her, I scream at the top of my lungs: "BANG!!!! THAT JUST HAPPENED"...when I speed up the tempo, I just scream "BANG!!!"


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> I just use dirty talk and other methods to make sure she is there with me
> 
> for example...every time I thrust inside her, I scream at the top of my lungs: "BANG!!!! THAT JUST HAPPENED"...when I speed up the tempo, I just scream "BANG!!!"


:lol:


Ahhh L'amore ...


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