# How to approach this? Please advice



## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

Lately, I have seen my husband added many females he doesnt know on his fb. I asked him and he said it was for work because they are involved in his industry (advertising). I was not convinced so I looked in his fb messages and he has a few conversations with these women where he ALWAYS says: "you are such a beautiful woman", "you are an attractive and strong woman. You are very special for many people". I was crushed, I'm hurt. I dont understand why he would be having these conversations with other women.

He has done it before, with very flirty messages, and I found them and confronted about them. He said it was wrong and that he would stop doing it. I want to tell him I saw more comments but I have the feeling he is going to go into defense mode and tell me that I was looking in his private stuff.

Am I overreacting? How could approach this? I feel deceived, in my opinion this is unapropriated for a married man. I dont do it, and if I did, he would go crazy. Not fair.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Sorry you have to go through this.

I would say he's on a fishing mission - the networking explanation is BS. If you already had the conversation about this, he crossed a boundary, no? So how will you reinforce it?

Since it's a second time offense, I would suggest a strong reaction - emphasis on ACTION. Pack his suitcase, attach a print of the FB-messages to the bags, tell him to leave and maybe to consider if it's worth it.

You don't want this progressing to a PA, trust me on this - either he stops or you move on.

Do you have kids? How old are you? How long have you been together?


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

I'm 26 years old and we have been married for 2 years. We are not living together right now. 4 months ago, I decided I needed some time because I was tired of many things he was doing. We have been talking since then though. He told me he understood why I was unhappy with him, that he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work. I was recently considering moving back with him and I found the messages.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

I am very hurt because I have had so many fights with him about his jealousy and he does this. He didnt want me to have any male friends at all. I have 2 male friends since I was 3 years old, they are like brothers to me and we have NEVER talked in an unapropriate way, they very respectful of my relationships, they have always been. However, he feels entitled to talk like this to women he hasnt even met! When I talked to him about it, he says they are "networking" for business and I'm just too insecure. Really? Why do you need to tell a woman she is beautiful to talk about work? I dont get it


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

His excuses and justifications are rediculus, and he knows it.

I still think you need to play hardball here - since you can't leave, then maybe just go dark for a while. Live your life and take care of you. Go out and see other people - do things that make you happy.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

I know they are but when I say this to him he calls me controlling. He thinks I dont want him to have female friends and I am this crazy jealous woman. Sometimes I just dont know what to answer to that...


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Oh, he played the controlling card - standard cheater script to deflect the issue at hand.

There are several answers to that.

"No, I'm not controlling, but you're crossing a boundary of mine, when you're flirting with other women. If that's something you need to do while in a relationship, find someone else to be in a relationship with."

Or...

"Yes, I'm controlling you as long as you don't know how to behave yourself on social networks"

Or...

"Oh, it's perfectly OK with me, I also think we should open up a bit. In fact I've just started to befriend other men on FB, so that we can start chatting and talking dirty to each other. Maybe there's even someone worth meeting up with. Do you think we should share our experiences with each other?"


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

That last answer made me laugh! He would go mad if I said that. He gets jealous with the simple act of me going to class with other classmates that are "male". He has gotten agressive towards me in a place if a man passed by and he thinks I looked at him!! This is why this pisses me off so much. Double standards here. 

I will try one of the answers. He will prob accuse me of violating his privacy and all that...


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Dulcinea said:


> I am very hurt because I have had so many fights with him about his jealousy and he does this. He didnt want me to have any male friends at all. I have 2 male friends since I was 3 years old, they are like brothers to me and we have NEVER talked in an unapropriate way, they very respectful of my relationships, they have always been. However, he feels entitled to talk like this to women he hasnt even met! When I talked to him about it, he says they are "networking" for business and I'm just too insecure. Really? Why do you need to tell a woman she is beautiful to talk about work? I dont get it


The fights over his jealously may very well have been him projecting his own tendencies on you!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If the only medium that you have been checking is his FB, then you also need to have his private messages checked in there as well. It also wouldn't hurt to start checking his cell phone bills for a pattern of phone calls and texts to certain frequently used phone numbers that have no relevance to you.

And while you may be violating his privacy, you are doing so to fight for your marriage, which in my estimation, holds far greater importance.

In law enforcement, before a crime can be uncovered, the investigator must ascertain the element of "probable cause." In your case, the probable cause is there! And you have the right as his wife to follow up on it!

Trust me! If the shoe were on the other foot, I'd greatly wager that he would literally be going bananas over any clandestine activity of yours!

Best of luck to you, m'dear!*


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You were separated because you had issues. What were they? What's been done to resolve them? Are you two going to counselling or anything?

You could try working through "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. He has to commit to taking it seriously, though.

Personally, I look at this as your separation was a time to see if the two of you could get back on the same page and be compatible with each other. You're not. So continue with the separation until you decide that you are, or there's no hope. The only way I'd consider it "fixable" is if he opens up ALL communication with you. Email, cell phone accounts, FB... But really, it's so easy to bypass those things, especially if you're not living together... 

As far as his "controlling" statement goes, tell him that you're not controlling his activities. If he wants to chat it up with strange women on FB, he's free to do so. What you ARE doing is setting boundaries on what's acceptable to you, in a relationship. If that's not acceptable to him, then I guess you're not a match. And he's free to chat it up as a single guy. 

C


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Your husband is an AZZ. No one tells a woman they are "networking" for business with that they are beautiful.

As for your 2 male friends I am confident that you are on the up and up here but realize that a male who knows you that well can be a threat to your husband if you like it or not. It just is and I think I understand his jealousy misguided as it may be.

I have female friends from my professional life who are life long friends. I absolutely love them. I network with them on occasion when needed. I meet with them on rare occasion ( I saw one last year for lunch and that was the first time I had seen her in 8 years) and my wife always knows about it. I do not have any boundaries per se but I use common sense and would adjust them if my wife asked me to.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

Stonewall said:


> The fights over his jealously may very well have been him projecting his own tendencies on you!


I think so. He says all men have only one thought when they talk to em: sex


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Your husband is an AZZ. No one tells a woman they are "networking" for business with that they are beautiful.
> 
> As for your 2 male friends I am confident that you are on the up and up here but realize that a male who knows you that well can be a threat to your husband if you like it or not. It just is and I think I understand his jealousy misguided as it may be.
> 
> I have female friends from my professional life who are life long friends. I absolutely love them. I network with them on occasion when needed. I meet with them on rare occasion ( I saw one last year for lunch and that was the first time I had seen her in 8 years) and my wife always knows about it. I do not have any boundaries per se but I use common sense and would adjust them if my wife asked me to.


This. I am exceedingly careful to keep females at work I happen to like as people at arms length.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *If the only medium that you have been checking is his FB, then you also need to have his private messages checked in there as well. It also wouldn't hurt to start checking his cell phone bills for a pattern of phone calls and texts to certain frequently used phone numbers that have no relevance to you.
> 
> And while you may be violating his privacy, you are doing so to fight for your marriage, which in my estimation, holds far greater importance.
> 
> ...




I have told him what I saw and he is going mad about me making up excuses not to move back with him. He thinks I shouldnt go on his fb


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Dulcinea said:


> I think so. He says all men have only one thought when they talk to em: sex


Ask him if he includes himself in the category of "all men."


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Dulcinea said:


> I have told him what I saw and he is going mad about me making up excuses not to move back with him. *He thinks I shouldn't go on his FB.*


*If he truly has nothing to hide, then what is it that he could possibly have to fear in your seeing it? *


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Dulcinea said:


> I know they are but when I say this to him he calls me controlling. He thinks I dont want him to have female friends and I am this crazy jealous woman. Sometimes I just dont know what to answer to that...


Cheater handbook 101, the BS is always called 'controlling'... sometimes, it's because they are aware they are married to a flirt that has issues with boundaries.... 

Have him read the book "NOT just friends".

The reason you're jealous and 'controlling' is because your gut instincts are picking up on all the red flags flying around.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

PBear said:


> You were separated because you had issues. What were they? What's been done to resolve them? Are you two going to counselling or anything?
> 
> You could try working through "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. He has to commit to taking it seriously, though.
> 
> ...


Our issues were big. He was very agressive so I decided to leave. He started counselling on and off. It seemed he was getting a bit better. Thats why we thought of starting to see each other again.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

He said one of them is a cousin of his (one that Ive never heard of, but okay). About the other ones, he just simply denies it and says I should trust him and I shouldnt go on his fb.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

Philat said:


> Ask him if he includes himself in the category of "all men."


When he says that i just think he believes everybody would act like he does..... The point is not if women "try" something with my husband, the problem is when HE does it. I cant control all women but I would like to have the security of knowing my husband would stop them right there.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Dulcinea said:


> He said one of them is a cousin of his (one that Ive never heard of, but okay). About the other ones, he just simply denies it and says I should trust him and I shouldnt go on his fb.


How about this, if he really wants to get back with you.. He deletes his facebook account, to show that you're more important than his newly found 'cousin'. If not, you divorce and get on with your life without him in it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dulcinea said:


> I'm 26 years old and we have been married for 2 years. We are not living together right now. 4 months ago, I decided I needed some time because I was tired of many things he was doing.


Dulcinea, you need to seriously consider the viability of turning your marriage into something you can live with. In a 24 month period you've been separated for the last four. Youre suppose to still be in the "honeymoon" phase. That's not a sign of an uptick in confirming you made the right choice in a mate my girl.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

Dulcinea said:


> I asked him and he said it was for work because they are involved in his industry (advertising).


 This is a completely BS response...there's a business social network that professionals use, it's called LinkedIn. Facebook is not for professional connecting, its for personal connecting, nothing more. Adding insult to it is his "professional connecting" includes incredibly inappropriate comments. I'm going to make a guess that none of his new FB connections are men to whom he's telling them how strong, handsome and important they are to others...

Do NOT feel bad about catching him on this. He's full of sh1te. You, of course, know this. Draw the boundary and don't back down.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Dulcinea, you need to seriously consider the viability of turning your marriage into something you can live with. In a 24 month period you've been separated for the last four. Youre suppose to still be in the "honeymoon" phase. That's not a sign of an uptick in confirming you made the right choice in a mate my girl.


If I'm honest, there was never a honeymoon period. We had a bad financial period of time at the beginning and we thought it was because of it but it's not getting any better. It all ended in a big argument when I told him about my concerns about facebook this morning. Apparently, I'm just a negative b!tch and he was just boosting someone's self esteem. Because this brought up past issues like his drinking and his agressiveness, "I'm just very negative about him". It's fine, if he wants to say nice things to his female family members, he can go ahead. I'm quite upset about it right now, I let this ruin my day. Sorry for the down attitude


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

john1068 said:


> This is a completely BS response...there's a business social network that professionals use, it's called LinkedIn. Facebook is not for professional connecting, its for personal connecting, nothing more. Adding insult to it is his "professional connecting" includes incredibly inappropriate comments. I'm going to make a guess that none of his new FB connections are men to whom he's telling them how strong, handsome and important they are to others...
> 
> Do NOT feel bad about catching him on this. He's full of sh1te. You, of course, know this. Draw the boundary and don't back down.


It seems he needs to have as many followers as possible because "that's what advertising is all about". And check this out, HE is the one who doesnt want to "live like this" so he "may not move in with me now". huh amazing


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

He's saying it's my way or the highway.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

JohnSebastian said:


> He's saying it's my way or the highway.


:iagree:
That's exactly right.
I'd be going for a looooooong drive down that highway- far far away from his a$$ !!


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Dulcinea, 

I know exactly how you feel right now. Your heart wants you to believe that he is sincere, but your gut is telling you the opposite. The simple fact of the matter is that if he really loves you, he will submit to your demands, ENTHUSIASTICALLY! I agree with others who have said "GO DARK". If he really, I mean REALLY loves you, he will go to the ends of the Earth to get you back. I know that I would for my wife!. Anything less, than you are cheating yourself out of a happy, healthy marriage. It sounds like you do not have children, so now would be the time to GET OUT OF IT. If the shoe were on the other foot, how would he react? 
Do the difficult thing and think with your mind, not your heart.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dulcinea said:


> . And check this out, HE is the one who doesnt want to "live like this" so he "may not move in with me now". huh amazing


If its anything like you're saying, consider yourself lucky if he doesn't move in. Whatever he has to offer ain't worth it. My advise is to insure he doesn't move in, forgive him of his transgression and get rid of him my girl.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

This thread triggered me. Your WH seems to be cut from the same cloth my ex was. I was told those things all the time about men. He was extremely jealous of my childhood friends and I actually quit hanging out with my core group b/c of his insecurities. I couldn't check out hot cars on the road as that indicates I wanted to sleep with the drivers. I love cars, btw and appreciate any nice ride. Same justifications he gave - you can't be nice to men b/c they just want to sleep with you. So ANY interaction I had with a guy in public, even just saying hi or being polite would get some pretty nasty passive aggressive behavior from him. 

Oh and guess what - he was the serial cheater!!!!

Take what your WH is saying as projection. He is super insecure about you with the OS b/c of WHAT HE IS DOING behind your back. 

My advice would be to file for divorce and move on with your life, especially if you don't have kids. It sounds like what your idea of marriage is and what your WH is are two completely different things.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

I havent been able to sleep thinking about all this. I left because it was hell to live with him. You are right, I have a conflict with myself between wanting to believe him and kinda knowing it's all BS. I got offered a job abroad and the intention was to move abroad together and start brand new again but I'm not completely sure about that. No, we dont have kids thank God! He wants to have kids right away but I dont. I dont believe in having kids live in an unhealthy marriage. I need to make a decision


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> It sounds like what your idea of marriage is and what your WH is are two completely different things.


I was thinking about what you said. What if we just dont share the same values? There's no way a marriage work like that, even with marriage counselling. I cannot change someone's values. I'm seriously considering telling him I want a divorce


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Dulcinea said:


> That last answer made me laugh! He would go mad if I said that. He gets jealous with the simple act of me going to class with other classmates that are "male". He has gotten agressive towards me in a place if a man passed by and he thinks I looked at him!! This is why this pisses me off so much. Double standards here.
> 
> I will try one of the answers. He will prob accuse me of violating his privacy and all that...


He gets "mad because he fears what hes doing will be done by you. The use of the controlling statement is usually one used by someone who is trying to reverse engineer the situation.

I suspect that your recent "break" has opened your eyes to reality and all you need here is some confirmation of what your seeing.

Really, do you need to be with someone who is using FB to communicate with other females and then tries to put it back on you as the guilty one?


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

Pault said:


> He gets "mad because he fears what hes doing will be done by you. The use of the controlling statement is usually one used by someone who is trying to reverse engineer the situation.
> 
> I suspect that your recent "break" has opened your eyes to reality and all you need here is some confirmation of what your seeing.
> 
> Really, do you need to be with someone who is using FB to communicate with other females and then tries to put it back on you as the guilty one?


I'm just too uptight according to him, he is just "networking". Being away from him has been really good. He thinks I paint him as if he was this monster... I'm just not happy. Why do I have to be with someone I'm not happy with? I guess I just need some reassurance I'm doing the right thing if I divorce.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

From the male point of view there are three reasons to tell a woman she is beautiful:

1) You are a gay guy and you tell all your girlfriends this stuff. 
2) You are a normal guy and you are pushing the boundaries. If a woman replies with a smilie. Then the you can try saying that she has a special style or personality (the type who will open her legs if I keep telling you this stuff).
3) She is a legit friend from college or highschool and needs boost because her love life/marriage has tanked.

Your husband is not gay and the women were mainly new acquaintances. His jealousy is drag. 

List his positive qualities/his negative. Think is over. If you cannot make up your mind, you need to consider whether he will mature.

Do not have children.

What was he advertising by the way? Something that begins with the letter "p"?

A man can have friendship with women at work but he doesn't keep those relationships secret and they are not developed with flattery. His Facebook should not be private from you when it comes to women.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Does he want to get you pregnant right away to make it harder for you to get out of the marriage? Think about that. 

Life is to short to put up with the crap sandwich he is trying to serve to you. 

He is clearly showing you what your future will be like with him. Is that the life you want. Is that the home environment you want to raise a family in
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Dulcinea said:


> I'm just too uptight according to him, he is just "networking". Being away from him has been really good. He thinks I paint him as if he was this monster... I'm just not happy. Why do I have to be with someone I'm not happy with? I guess I just need some reassurance I'm doing the right thing if I divorce.


It's the only way.. You have to show him you're not going to back down to his threats, you're not going to take the blame for his bad actions, and you're not going to fall for his bull, aka calling sneaking 'networking'... Show him you're strong, you're not a doormat. Putting D on the table, not bluffing, but really doing it.. is the best way to break the fog, aka self delusional thinking like "networking is okay for me but if my wife did it it'd be cheating"... After you put D on the table, if his reaction is anything short of deleting his facebook account, giving you passwords etc.. then he's not worth the trouble or time. Go network, and find someone that will treat you with respect.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

Well I did it. I just threw the D word at him. Told him I was not happy and if this is the way he wants to live in marriage, I dont. He got angry at first, called me selfish and tried to put it back on me but I put my foot down. After a while, he called me to say that he would stop being unapropriate with other females and changed his status to married to me in fb. I have his password. 

I left the conversation there. I guess I'm waiting to see how much of this is true.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> A man can have friendship with women at work but he doesn't keep those relationships secret and they are not developed with flattery. His Facebook should not be private from you when it comes to women.


I agree. I have 2 male friends that are part of my childhood group of friends. He knows them all and we meet up the whole group together. He can have female friends or coworkers but I want to know who they are and that they dont exchange secret flirty messages. I barely use facebook other than to keep in touch with my family. I dont add ramdom people I dont know.


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