# What do I do...I am being deceived?



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I've posted about my situation in the past. Short story--I didnt like DH's female friend at work, nothing inappropriate ever but I didnt like how it was only real friend because he's not social anyways and I'd rather him have more friends...plus he spent more time looking at her FB page which I didnt like (this happened right after we had our first kid). Then he said he wasnt friwnsly at all anymore with her. Then we went to a kids party and I saw her being social with him and realized he never told me that he was social again with her at work, like not super friendly but I wanted it to be only work related only. After workjng through a counselor, communication stuff/books everything has been a lot better. 

Fast forward to today, we recently had our 2nd baby and in the mail is an invitation to her kids' birthday party. WHY would we get an invite??? I've seen her at other parties and we dont talk anymore (we used to be friendly with each other when husband was friends). Husband wasnt at the kids parties so i dont know he would react-- i guess/hope not talk to her but now i dont know. 

We just got the invite and immediately im upset--why invite us? My husband says he's surprised and has no idea why she would. He said he only talks to her at work if necessary. I said she would get the message ur not friends if you made that clear--obviously u didnt. Its like bringing up old wounds again, making me upset. This ruined the first time at home with our first baby and I feel that pain again. 

What do I do? I dont want to talk to him, i feel like this is going to put me over the edge with baby blues. I am not going to tell him this but I want him to call her in front of me, say we cant go and ask why she invited us. Or make it clear to her they are not friends. 

Im upset 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> What do I do? I dont want to talk to him, i feel like this is going to put me over the edge with baby blues. I am not going to tell him this but I want him to call her in front of me, say we cant go and ask why she invited us. Or make it clear to her they are not friends.
> 
> Im upset
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you're being unreasonable. You have said that your husband has never behaved inappropriately with this woman. It may be damaging for his career to officially announce to her that he no longer wants to associate with her, in any capacity, outside of work. If they had an affair, that's one thing. If it's just to assuage your insecurity, it's entirely different.

I recommend you not go to the party. She'll probably get the hint. And stop worrying about it.

Good luck.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sweetie it's an invite to a kids party not a dominatrix bash. Plus she sent it, not your husband. Unless your husband wants to go really bad and alone, don't stress.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Wasted energy to be upset over being invited. She went through her address book and invited people she knew who had kids and who would bring hers a gift. Big deal.

Ignore. Keep it moving. Nothing to see here.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Do you trust your husband?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Do you trust your husband?


Yes. I trust that he is not cheating, not wanting to cheat. Nothing like that. I want honesty, like why would she send an invite if they dont talk at work anymore unless necessary. He said he only talks to her if he needs to. After the stuff that happened in the past she deleted me as a FB friend and stopped talking to me (and vice versa). So why send an invite for our kids? Esp if he claims to not talk to her anymore. I just want clarity. I dont want this time tainted again with anything related to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I too would like to know what you're so worried about yellowstar. Is your husband not a good husband to you? Does he regularly ignore your needs? Lie to you? Does he disappear on you or shut down when he's around you?

When I said to ignore, that meant ignore the invite. There's nothing to it unless you make it that way. Constant worry or upset over losing your husband to someone else isn't healthy, especially when he's done nothing to encourage that kind of thinking.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

People want gifts. she may also feel bad and want wants to make up for it. Stop thinking about what's in her head. Start working on you, you just had a baby congratulations! You have better things to do than to stress about a kids birthday invite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And as far as getting into her mind as to why? Again it's not worth the effort. Why do people do things they do? They want something. It's attention, money... it's self centered. It's not about you at all. You may feel that way because it offends you that she even thought of you guys to send an invite, but really it isn't about you guys at all.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I too would like to know what you're so worried about yellowstar. Is your husband not a good husband to you? Does he regularly ignore your needs? Lie to you? Does he disappear on you or shut down when he's around you?
> 
> When I said to ignore, that meant ignore the invite. There's nothing to it unless you make it that way. Constant worry or upset over losing your husband to someone else isn't healthy, especially when he's done nothing to encourage that kind of thinking.


No he doesnt do anything like that. He is good to me etc. i dont like the potential there of them becoming friends again and potentially somethig happening. I just dont want her in our life period
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

There are women who invite everyone they see as a friend to birthday parties. 

Who cares WHY she did it.

As long as you trust your husband that's all that matters.

Getting upset is giving her power over your life.

Don't do that to you or your beautiful new baby.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> No he doesnt do anything like that. He is good to me etc. i dont like the potential there of them becoming friends again and potentially somethig happening. I just dont want her in our life period
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Potential? Where? I don't see it. How do you? There has to be cause to have effect. An invitation in the mail that goes ignored goes nowhere. It leads to nothing. That is unless your husband picks it up and encourages the relationship.

So now we're back to your husband and trust. You don't trust him to make sound decisions with other women, especially this one, and would like to control the situation. I have news for you, you can't control the outcome of this acquaintance. Being upset (attaching negative feelings) because you cannot control it is only hurting yourself. 

Let it go. Let HER go. Focus your attention on your husband and his response, and if it's appropriate (which it has routinely been) let it go. Trying to get into other peoples heads will surely drive anyone mad.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Ahhh FaceBook again. 

I can understand your trepidation. But as you posted, unless there's something else, he never did anything inappropriate with this woman. It's OK to have friends at work, but some marriages (mine included) put boundaries at opposite sex friends. Work or otherwise, unless they're friends of the marriage. 

You're buying into a little stress left over from the original confrontation, it sounds like. Normal, I think. However, if you let it eat at you, when there's no other substance to it than what you've posted, then the problem is yours, not hers or his. 

Since the invite was sent to both of you (correct?), then it's not a secret meeting or other unscrupulous message. Had she handed it to him at work, and he never told you, etc etc, then you might have real cause for concern. 

Maybe it's a lame attempt at an olive branch to you?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Do women in general make you feel like this or just her? Are you ok with your husband being around females?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Do women in general make you feel like this or just her? Are you ok with your husband being around females?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The honest answer? Not so much, but I know this is MY problem, I have to work on myself about this...some of this stems from my insecurities, me being cheated on by an ex boyfriend (before my husband), BUT I've been getting a lot better. Because there is some history here with this person, it's making me more upset. 

What do I do...just let it go? I really want him to call her and say we can't go and say he's surprised that she invited us and hear their interaction on the phone. Because I don't see them at work I'm very curious as to how he even talks to her now that they are 'not friends'. Why did she even have to send it, everything was FINE! Everything with us was a lot better, like our marriage felt closer than before with us communicating so much more and rarely fighting anymore.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> The honest answer? Not so much, but I know this is MY problem, I have to work on myself about this...some of this stems from my insecurities, me being cheated on by an ex boyfriend (before my husband), BUT I've been getting a lot better. Because there is some history here with this person, it's making me more upset.
> 
> What do I do...just let it go? I really want him to call her and say we can't go and say he's surprised that she invited us and hear their interaction on the phone. Because I don't see them at work I'm very curious as to how he even talks to her now that they are 'not friends'. Why did she even have to send it, everything was FINE! Everything with us was a lot better, like our marriage felt closer than before with us communicating so much more and rarely fighting anymore.


This is what I would do, get dressed up, play with the baby and when your husband gets home smile and have fun. Don't bring this up anymore. The path you want to go is wrong. Not only are you giving this too much power over you. You can also push your husband away and be afraid of your reactions so he'll keep things to himself. You need to be smarter about this, don't allow your thoughts to control you, you need to control your thoughts. Also he would sound like a fool to call her and tell what you posted. It's a birthday party! 

Ok, shut those thoughts down now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's a choice. Choose to let this go. Do not make your husband call her up. That's embarrassing for both him and you.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *yellowstar said:*Why did she even have to send it, everything was FINE! Everything with us was a lot better, like our marriage felt closer than before with us communicating so much more and rarely fighting anymore.


Everything is still fine. It's you that's making your issue HIS issue and wanting to make it hers too. Reverse the negative thoughts around this woman. She's not the problem. Your insecurities are the problem. If you choose to be upset over this, it's your decision, but know in doing that you're upsetting EVERYONE around you and for what? What in the end will it accomplish?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

So the answer to the problem of a woman who was talking to your husband is to make him talk to the woman?

Let this poor man go. He is clearly never going to be able to jump through enough hoops to make you happy.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> What do I do...just let it go?


Exactly. Let it go. She probably invited your family in order to be polite to a coworker. If every other coworker with kids was invited, it might be awkward for your husband not to be invited.



> I really want him to call her and say we can't go and say he's surprised that she invited us and hear their interaction on the phone. Because I don't see them at work I'm very curious as to how he even talks to her now that they are 'not friends'.


That's unreasonable. Your husband had some mildly inappropriate focus for this woman at one point in time. You believe that you nipped it in the bud before it ever became romantic. And, you have no evidence that this woman ever did anything inappropriate. So why should you force your husband to embarrass her? And trust me, calling a woman to decline an invitation to her child's birthday party because his wife thinks it might be a gateway to an affair would be very embarrassing for both of them. Just let it go.



> Why did she even have to send it, everything was FINE! Everything with us was a lot better, like our marriage felt closer than before with us communicating so much more and rarely fighting anymore.


If an invitation to a child's birthday party can throw your marriage into disarray, then you have a very weak marriage. You should spend your time and energy strengthening your marriage. Not trying to avoid ever being invited to another party. That's not the answer.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Ok. I'm letting it go. I trust him. She probably did it to be nice even though there is no need to and I dont want anything to do with her. 


Thanks for helping me see the forest and not just the trees.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Congratulations on the new baby! Look at the addition of the new baby as a new chapter starting fresh and let go of all that past insecurity and hurt. Enjoy your family and give all your energy and attention to you and your family well being.


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