# Dealing with WH's ongoing affair



## lbc (Apr 13, 2014)

The current affair happened 10 years after the last one. I found out at that time that he had cheated before we got married. I'm sure you are wondering why I stayed so long. Now I'm wondering the same thing.

I haven't left, but I'm falling apart. I started a blog, but I was hoping that I might find some kindred spirits here. I figure if I go to a therapist, she will just say to leave. I totally understand and I may have to leave just to save my sanity.

Ok, the particulars. My husband turned 50 last September and now he's ****ing one of his 25 year old employees. I told him that if his boss finds out, he will be lucky if they only fire the OW. He doesn't want to leave me in case the OW leaves him. REALLY? I'm the consolation prize?

So I'm making plans for our divorce. Just not sure when to pull the trigger. I'm a SAHM and he doesn't really make that much money. I might have to live with my parents. So sometimes I wonder if I can live in the same house with him, but divorced. At this moment, I think it will be too painful. 

The crazy thing is that I was actually thinking of leaving him next year, so I really do not understand why I'm so upset. Things trigger me and I start crying. Can anyone relate to what I'm going through?


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

lbc said:


> The crazy thing is that I was actually thinking of leaving him next year


Why not file this coming Monday?


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

lbc said:


> The current affair happened 10 years after the last one. I found out at that time that he had cheated before we got married. I'm sure you are wondering why I stayed so long. Now I'm wondering the same thing.
> 
> I haven't left, but I'm falling apart. I started a blog, but I was hoping that I might find some kindred spirits here. I figure if I go to a therapist, she will just say to leave. I totally understand and I may have to leave just to save my sanity.
> 
> ...


Like me you never dealt properly with the first affair, so on and on it goes.

You're falling apart because you have absolutely no control.

Take control and you will start to feel better. You need to get in touch with your anger over his utter betrayal of your relationship. 

By the way you don't have to leave, he does!
Tell him to go shack up with his floozy.

File for divorce like yesterday, get your ducks in a row and be done with this loser.

When you start to take some power back in your life you will start to feel heaps better. 
Trust me, I've been there.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Move in with your folks, get help and get away from that looser.

Also be sure to file and get her named as the adulteress too.

Do not bother to blow him up at work, he makes sh!t all money but you'll need it in CS 

Don't wait around, staying in that toxic situation will be damaging long term and especially if miss 25 blows him off then he comes crawling back and you get duty love until he gets the next fix of the new miss 25 or younger, how well would you take it if the next one is 18, blonde and bigger b00bs than Jordan? Not well I would imagine?

Staying is only more damaging, leaving is hard but he is not going to change, ever!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Psych (Aug 26, 2013)

I'll agree. Take some control and start to take your life back. When you start making decisions to recapture who you are, I can tell you this... you'll start to feel so much better. 

I'll wager you're afraid of change, afraid of finances, afraid of being alone.... those fears are valid, however; doing nothing will chip away at who you are. It will chip away at your self esteem and you will lose yourself. Right now you know this is not what you want or who you are. 

You deserve to be treated with respect. He is not respecting you. Stand up for yourself and make a change. There are plenty of men out there who value fidelity, honesty, and commitment. You can do better. 

Now dust yourself off and get busy. Make a plan, and do one step at a time. Before you know it, change will happen. Change isn't a bad thing.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

Hire an attorney, file for divorce and talk with the attorney about seeking sole use and occupancy of the marital home and temporary orders (i.e. Have the court order your husband pay for the house and bills as you are a SAHM) until the divorce is final. Seek spousal and child support in the divorce. That will help you as well as damper all the affair fun.

In my opinion what you are most afraid of is the unknown especially the financial unknown. That was the scariest part for me but limbo is the worst and you do not want to waste more time on him or this situation, trust me it will destroy you even more. I'm so mad at myself for staying stuck emotionally, even though I filed right away (still not divorced yet.. But close now as his OW is 6 months pregnant (hahaha) and he has to get rid of me now despite his previous refusals to cooperate or divorce me since November 2012)

Read other threads and you will notice the posters who are happiest now and who achieved happiness sooner than others are the ones who refused to remain stuck in limbo and most of these posters seem happier now than even before they discovered their partner's affair. You can almost sense their relief and joy at being free from their cheater!!

Make firm decisions to protect yourself and start making them now!!! Remember more is lost due to indecision than wrong decision (but I don't think divorce is the wrong decision here).

Good luck


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Don't file until your ducks are in a row.

You marry for love, you divorce for money.

See an attorney and make sure you do everything you can to protect yourself and set yourself up right.

Don't just file blindly.

Saying that...

File. This will force your husband to make some choices.

If you don't force him to make a choice, he will continue with what you have allowed in your home.

Many here don't act firmly and immediately which allows infidelity to settle into the home like an unwelcome guest who eats all your food, makes a mess, creates conflict, but refuses to leave.

You start the divorce process. This forces your husband to make choices outside his comfort zone. Right now he can respect you or disrespect you. That's the only choices he is being forced to make.

File for divorce and this pushes some less pleasant choices on him.

a. End the affair
b. Lose the home and marriage

So, file. This forces a different choice set down his throat.

Everyone thinks filing for divorce is a surrender. This is a strategy.

You can't bluff it, but this is a strategy, not a surrender.

If you file, and at some point in the process he recognizes his overstepping his boundaries and ends his affair. YOU have a choice whether to accept his ending his affair as an olive branch of reconciliation, OR you can reject it and continue with the divorce.

If you file and at no point in the process he ends his affair, your path is clear.

File now, decide later.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

How nice of him to put you on the back burner while he waits to see if the OW will dump him(which she will eventually do).No you are right,go ahead with the divorce proceedings and if you have to go live with your parents it is better than staying in the same house with him.Best of luck.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

After being with your husband so long, it feels scarier to leave than to stay. But if you do stay, you will continue to be subjected to the trauma of your husband's selfishness. He is getting his cake and eating it too, while you suffer and and try to hold the family together.

Guess what, it is already blown to spit, and it was your husband who did it. You ARE NOT responsible to rescue this...you need to quit rewarding his unacceptable behavior and make some changes.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

File today. Call the OW and tell her she has your blessing.

25 year age difference. Please. That isn't lasting. He'll be sorry.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I agree with the others. Take control.

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Start the 180.
3. In your case I would not expose at his workplace. His income will provide some support.
4. Start looking for a job. In my state alimoney is not long term and the courts would expect you to find employment. I know it is not fair but it is typically the way it goes. Alimoney would be for about 6 months to around two years in my state.
5. If you own your home don't move out unless your attorney tells you it is OK. You don't want to abandone the home if there is a chance that this will work against you. Again, seek out the advice of an attorney.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am sorry for the pain and heartache. You are upset because betrayal is hard for anyone to deal with. I agree that there was not a proper handling of the first affair and the pain has carried forward, but so to has the disrespect. When there are no consequences for undermining the marriage, the behavior often resurfaces. Marriage is an exclusive relationship - what good do you think will come out of allowing him to choose you only if the other relationship doesn't work out? The foundation of marriage is love & respect. Do you believe that he loves you? Is his behavior respectful? There is a great book I always recommend to people in your position _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson. It is very helpful and very specific. I hope you will pick it up as soon as possible. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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