# how to handle



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

My anniversary is coming up soon and I keep thinking to myself, what does the marriage vows I actually took mean now...
Hubby had an affair 6 months ago and in my mind the vows have been broken.....
Part of me thinks I can't even spend the day with him, I know my thoughts will be with the affair and him not honoring our vows....
Maybe this year we should not celebrate it and just let the day go by without any plans.......Just seems a little fake at this point....
We are working towards recovery but moments/days like this really make you question our lives and what it actually means.
How did you handle the day after and affair......
What worked for you.....


----------



## ktilash (May 27, 2010)

I too would be interested. My husband came real close to an affair, a few emails. It's devestated me as it was also the day before our anniversary. It was awake up call for our marriage, but I agree the vows . . .


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Jessi, my opinion on what you should do would be different depending on what his demeanor and actions have been. But the main point is this ... IF:

1. He is repentent and remourseful and wants to fix your marriage AND
2. You want to fix your marriage

THEN ... I really think you need to let go of your hurt and anger. I can't give you a magical formula to do it. I just know that I have. And in a couple of months when my anniversary comes up maybe I will have some anxiety that I don't feel now, but I have completely let it go. What happened happened, but we can't continue to dwell on the past and have a chance to heal our future. 

If we have forgiven then we need to move on and forge a new future, and this is a chance for you to tell the anger and hurt and resentment that you aren't going to let it rule over you, and this can be the first day of the rest of your brand new marriage. Celebrate NOT what was before - because you will never get your old marriage back. That is gone. But celebrate the beautiful new marriage that you are working to form.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Thanks hopeinhouston,
thanks for your comment, my husband is remoursful and he is doing everything possible to understand my feelings and to change his behavior and to work towards a great connection, it's just tough after 26 years together that I think it didn't mean anything to him...
I want to fix my marriage as well, maybe it's just to soon after the affair, maybe I haven't let go yet of the pain and hurt that all this has caused me......
I know I can't dwell on the past and what happened but how do you get over the fear it might happen again.....
I believe my husband when he says he realizes what he had done and that he would never hurt me or his boys again......
You are right I can't let this rule the rest of my life I just get weak at times.......
I've fought for this marriage and I just didn't give up, but it's hard when you feel insecure about the whole situation....
Maybe I'll get a card for our anniversary and use it to make a new start of a new marriage....a new beginning card.....
thanks for the chin up, move forward post......


----------



## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

Jessi I can tell you I found out that my wife had an affair a week before my 40th annv....we did not celebrate this year but we have decided that if we make the marriage stronger than ever before that everyone will think next year is our 41 st but we will celebrate 1 year of a true honest and loving marriage..just our thoughts but make not work with everyone..you are right if we are going to make it work we have to get past the past..


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi Cantclearhead, 
I think that is a great idea, I just don't feel right this year but I could use the date as a new start, new countdown.......I wish I didn't feel this way but for now it might be all I can do.....
I'm glad to hear you and your wife are working things out....I hope you find the happiness you deserve.......
It takes someone strong to work through this kind of thing....and you certainly sound like you are one of them.......
Be happy......and congrats on 40 years......


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I consider you all lucky. You are togeher with your spouses. As some of you know, when I found out about my wife's affair, every turn I took was the wrong one to save my marriage. Hopeinhouston, you are my hero! You recognized what you had to do and you did it. You have a spouse willing to keep going.
Don't wait for your anniversary to be your new beginning. Make it today. Start the clock. Mark it on your calendar. We all know how special we have considered our vows and our marriages. We see them in a new light after the affair was discovered.
Take Hopeinhouston's advise. Think positive. Act positive. Be happy that you are together. BE HAPPY you are not like me, stuck in pergatory. The most important person in my life has left me. You still have that person. Show your wife or husband how much you truly care for them...and tell them, with reservations... that you love them (and are in love with them!)


----------



## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

Wow. I found out about my husband's cheating a month before our 5 year anniversary too. I felt just like you do. But, we did get a babysitter and spent the day and night away from our kids trying to reconnect. It was actually good for us.


----------



## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

Jessi, I too found out about my wifes affairs 5 months before our 20th anniversary. I started the day sending her a text saying "Happy anniversary honey. Wow 20 years you have put up with me. I love you very much. I hope you know and feel it." She replied " Happy anniversary to you honey. I love you so much. I feel your love. I just hope you feel mine." I replied " I DO. and I would say it again." She replied " I would too."
When I got home from work I took her out for supper and after we went home to snuggle.
It is hard I know. I have thought every day about her affairs. It doesn't hurt so much now and I try to push it out of my mind. I try to think of the future together. Yes I fear the hurt again but pray she is strong enough to not let it happen again.
Good luck to you. Try to enjoy your day......


----------

