# Young marriage not working out



## TXgreg (Dec 15, 2008)

My wife and I got married three weeks out of high school. There aren't a lot of good reasons to have done that, no kids or anything, so I won't elaborate too much on why we got married other than we were high school sweethearts. Have our own place, both going to school with high goals. Lately there's been a lot of different things that have me real worried that she wants to leave me. She kind of has social anxiety and when she is insecure or worried about something she gets really emotional. In my opinion I'm usually the sane one trying to calm her down a bit and I speak real logically about things. It always helps her and since we've been married she's been a lot more positive and optimistic about things in general.

Weve been married 2 1/2 years and we kind of fight a lot but not real bad just stupid things. I know this is biased but she is kind of crazy as I will talk about in a minute. Things have gotten kind of bad in the last month. Started with her making statements about me controlling her.. I really don't think I do.. She does and gets whatever she wants. I'm not 21 yet and have no problem with her going to the bar with friends. We got in a fight recently though because she wanted to hang out with a high school friend but with me being specifically excluded. Her reasoning is that I never chilled with this person (true) and she would feel like she was being controlled if I went with her. Ok fine no problem didn't fight about it. Then she wants to go to the bar with this guy. I'm not 21 yet so obviously I can't tag along. Her rationale is that "oh that's unfortunate guess it's just got to be me and him". I held my ground on this one because I think that is reasonable.. She wouldn't want me hanging out with a female with her being specifically forbidden from attending.. she ended up going out with the guy and one of our mutual friends and all was good. I have no doubt that she is not cheating on me nor is she interested in the bar-buddy..

Her sister recently married someone. She has a big family and they all love/d this guy because he is just a really nice guy. End up this girl 7 months into her marriage felt restrained and like she was missing out on a chunk of her life. She ended up cheating on him and everything pretty much hit the fan. They're in the process of divorcing. Now it's scary because this all happened in the month before she started talking about how she feels like she is missing out on part of her life. She commented that when she did an errand by herself, dropping off paychecks, she just felt "so independent" driving in the car by herself. We were at a party in which she got emotional (not dramatic or anything she is somewhat mature) and was telling me how much she loves me and how confused she is. She said she feels like she is missing out on something basically by being married to me. Whenever we talk she feels better.. basically told her that I want her to be happy and for her to consider what she is missing out on, how to achieve it, and if I can be part of that picture. 

This girl is really insecure. She has very bad security issues and I think more specifcally anxiety / seperation anxiety. Her brother shot himself on accident or by suicide when he was in his early teens and she was 7 or 8. She did not have a stable upbringing as far as parents / money. Our whole relationship seems to revolve around "do you love me??".


Sorry this is so long but something else just came to mind. We bought a new car as an addition to the one truck we already owned (my high school vehicle). Just in a cutesy way the truck was mine since I'm the guy the car was hers because shes the girl.. typical.. but she feels the need to assert that the car is actually hers. We actually fight about this stuff. If I'm driving to work, and she is staying home with no intention of going anywhere, it's nice to drive the new car instead of my pos/unreliable truck. It actually turns into heated arguments and how she wants to have her car there. It's always about the idea of the car being hers and her needing it to feel like an independent woman.

I think that she unconsciously stirs things up just so we can make up and she can be reassured how much I love her type thing?? I don't know what to think. It's possible we just got married young and were both legitimately missing out on things and we just need to decide if the other is worth it? Any feedback would be great.. I need a third party perspective cause I could very well be the problem.. maybe me counseling her and making things are actually causing the problem ??

Sorry this was so long, thanks in advance. Oh yeah our sex life kind of sucks.. she just never wants to make love. Talk about being insecure but possibly a bigger issue I guess


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Sorry to appear shallow, but it's no good being in a marriage to be someone's therapist. If the sex has evaporated so early on, I would not even bother trying to fix things, I would just call it a day and divorce. However, that's because sex is high on my agenda, and to me, arguing about it is ugly. Some guys are too timid to argue, but they stick around and get frustrated and eventually bitter. Throw in the odd affair and you have a real crap marriage on your hands.

Yes, I think you married too early - the "not being able to go to a bar with her" dynamic proves that.

With people in similar situations who were much older, and had kids, my advice has been different. I would say, (if your thinking of leaving anyway), make a list of demands - your lines in the sand - and issue an ultimatum: cross my lines and I go for good. I know this sounds tough but women actually respect firmness and decisiveness, especially when it fair.

The problem in your case is that, things might improve but she may harbour a secret resentment of you for having "won". And she might make you pay later.

For instance, everything will be all right until the first kid comes along. Then, she stops the sex, and she knows you won't run 'coz of the kid. 

You need to read all the threads on this site my friend. Read all the threads in the last 6 months, and you will find out how men and women can behave to each other.


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## TXgreg (Dec 15, 2008)

Your talking about drawing a line in the and, making demands and sticking to them and so on.. the problem is I'm already happy. There's nothing to really demand. About the sex we don't fight were just having it a lot less. I'm just worried because she is being emotional about her lack of being independent.

Anyone have feedback as to how to preserve this marriage _despite_ us being married young? Were both committed to each other but something isn't right..


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

> the problem is I'm already happy. There's nothing to really demand. About the sex we don't fight were just having it a lot less. I'm just worried because she is being emotional about her lack of being independent.





> Anyone have feedback as to how to preserve this marriage despite us being married young?


If the first statement is true, you do not need to worry. Let her worry about her independence, it's not your business. You are trying to control her emotions.

Sex is a good barometer of any marriage. If it is going downhill, there needs to be more warmth.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Definitely stop being her counselor. Even if you think you can calm her down, she needs to know she can do this for herself. It almost sounds like you're becoming more like a father figure to her. You have to assert your own feelings into her panic attacks instead of just calming her down. Let her know how her behaviors are affecting you. Dont be afraid to fight. It happens. Lord knows everyone fights no matter your age. But when you do fight have a goal in mind.


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