# Should I be Jealous?



## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Hello everyone. I am in need of some advice. I want to write this in as unbiased a way as possible so I can get accurate responses from everyone.

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we have had a few rough spots but for the last year things have been better than ever. We have both agreed to this on several occasions. For the past few months, I guess I have been overly engrossed in playing a certain video game called League of Legends. It has been a great way for me to unwind after work and I would often play with my 10 year old son.

On nights I played, it was two or three 30-45 minutes games 4 or 5 days a week. I would play more games on a Saturday or Sunday. I am telling you this part because it is part of her reason for the situation we are in now.

A few months ago my wife got a job at a company and works with a bunch of guys. After a few months she decided to leave the job because she wasn't getting paid what she deserved, it was a really long commute and we have two young kids at home that were having a hard time with her schedule.

She got along really well with her boss who is a guy that is her age, married and has kids of his own. They really hit it off and my wife was totally open to me about it.

After she quit, they started talking more and would text each other a lot. It has been probably over a month since she quit working.

They txt each other all day long and will talk to each other during the day for an hour or so at a time. Again, he texts him in front of me and is in no way hiding it.

One day I ended up really upset about the situation and ended up staying awake all night long. The next morning I went to work and logged into our Verizon account and saw how much she was talking and texting this guy. It was literally from the time she got up to the time she went to bed.

I asked her if she ever deleted his messages and she said, Yes I did delete some cause I didn't want you to misconstrue them. It was all the conversations she had with him up unto the day I confronted her. A few day later she let me read the conversations after the initial delete and all and all they were harmless.

The thing is... she talks to him ALL The time. She says he makes her feel good and she became friends with him while I was zoned out in my video game and movies.

I can understand that to a degree, but I am totally feeling like a third wheel and like she and this guy have a secret thing going on that I am not allowed to be apart of.

THere is more I suppose... but I don't want to be toooooo overwhelming.

Thanks.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Here is my opinion. You go to her in the calmest voice you have and have a discussion with her. You say that you are not comfortable with this relationship she has and that you want it to end. Most likely, she will say no at which point you are going to have to play hardball. In that situation I would tell her that she is cheating and if the old boss is so important to her that she is going to disrespect you and your family by continuing to cheat, then you tell her you will divorce her. You can't live in a situation like this. I would also call your cell phone company and have his numbers blocked to show her you mean business.

On another note, why did she quit her job? The most logical reason would be so that they can take the relationship physical without work issues.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

You have every right to be upset. A little jealousy is a healthy thing--It has gotten you to sit up and take notice to protect your marriage. What they are doing is inappropriate and excessive. If it's not an EA, it is headed in that direction. It obviously has already gotten a little personal for her to delete them and say she didn't want you to miscontrue them. 

You should be making your wife feel good..not another man. I'd insist the texting stop immediately, and cut back on the game playing and take your wife out on a date. She needs YOU.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

I sincerely don't believe she is cheating yet and I don't think she really intends to. What I am afraid of is that she falling for this guy and is being naive about it.

I really don't want to be the guy who says who she can an cannot be friends with. I tried to even say look, just don't talk to the guy at night. 

She left the job because of the pay and the issue with our kids needing to get up at about 5:30am. She is still partially involved with the job in the sense that she is getting contract work for their website that "We" will work on together. The issue there... is that she is scheduling a Photography shoot for this Wednesday in with him. Typically, I would be the one doing the photos. But she says based on how I have been acting it would be really awkward if I even went. 

Her big stance is that I am ruining our marriage because I do not trust her. This is so immensely frustrating... especially cause we just fought about this in front of our kids and out 10 year old is extremely upset.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

dixieangel said:


> You have every right to be upset. A little jealousy is a healthy thing--It has gotten you to sit up and take notice to protect your marriage. What they are doing is inappropriate and excessive. If it's not an EA, it is headed in that direction. It obviously has already gotten a little personal for her to delete them and say she didn't want you to miscontrue them.
> 
> You should be making your wife feel good..not another man. I'd insist the texting stop immediately, and cut back on the game playing and take your wife out on a date. She needs YOU.


I did quit at least! I have not played in a week and don't intend to start. She still uses the last six months as an excuse to continue her communications. She says her friendship with him is not the problem, it is my trust issues.


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## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

You have reason to be upset, i would actually retaliate a lot worse then you have if my partner was interracting with another woman in that manner. Its totally unacceptable but in saying that we dont have much trust for eachother.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Your a grown man playing children's games while your wife is getting emotional attention from another man instead of you. You're right it does have something to do with your situation. She having an affair. What are you going to do about it? Watch? Tell her it ends, it's you or him. You'll need to demand no contact with him. Be ready for her to fight you on this. You need to be strong and willing to go to divorce. If you are weak and back down, you will lose. If you let her delay, it will get twice as hard when you confront her again. Who is this OM. What do you know about him? Is he married? Do you have his contact info? Have you confronted him?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

manowoe said:


> I sincerely don't believe she is cheating yet and I don't think she really intends to. What I am afraid of is that she falling for this guy and is being naive about it.
> 
> I really don't want to be the guy who says who she can an cannot be friends with. I tried to even say look, just don't talk to the guy at night.
> 
> ...


She is cheating! You just don't know what's going on. She is in an emotional affair (EA). Look it up. You're being passive and your passivity is allowing her to cheat and destroying your marriage.

Read this book and site. Take the quiz, open your eyes!

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

dixieangel said:


> You have every right to be upset. A little jealousy is a healthy thing--It has gotten you to sit up and take notice to protect your marriage. What they are doing is inappropriate and excessive. If it's not an EA, it is headed in that direction. It obviously has already gotten a little personal for her to delete them and say she didn't want you to miscontrue them.
> 
> You should be making your wife feel good..not another man. I'd insist the texting stop immediately, and cut back on the game playing and take your wife out on a date. She needs YOU.





anchorwatch said:


> Your a grown man playing children's games while your wife is getting emotional attention from another man instead of you. You're right it does have something to do with your situation. She having an affair. What are you going to do about it? Watch? Tell her it ends, it's you or him. You'll need to demand no contact with him. Be ready for her to fight you on this. You need to be strong and willing to go to divorce. If you are weak and back down, you will lose. If you let her delay, it will get twice as hard when you confront her again. Who is this OM. What do you know about him? Is he married? Do you have his contact info? Have you confronted him?


He is married. I have his phone number. She says she is "Counselling him" Actually the messages she said she delete were because he asked her how he can get his wife to have sex with him. She even tried to get us all to meed this weekend but he said he couldn't fit it into his schedule... and my wife and I talked and decided that he didn't want his wife to meet her and he didn't want to really meet me.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

manowoe said:


> He is married. I have his phone number. She says she is "Counselling him" Actually the messages she said she delete were because he asked her how he can get his wife to have sex with him. She even tried to get us all to meed this weekend but he said he couldn't fit it into his schedule... and my wife and I talked and decided that he didn't want his wife to meet her and he didn't want to really meet me.


She's gas lighting you. That's bs. Of course he doesn't want you to meet his wife. Call his wife see if she knows how much interaction her husband is having with your wife. Tell his wife to check the phone records. Do what middleman told you, block his number.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If she isn't a legit counselor with him as her client/patient, the only thing she's counseling him about is how to be a good affair partner. 

You need to object big time. Gather evidence and expose this to everyone. Give her one chance at an ultimatum -- complete no contact forever w OM plus MC or divorce. Follow through. The only way to drag her out if the fog is to make her bump into a reality wall.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

One thing I need to say... is our physical relationship up until this last fight tonight has been really good. Actually better than normal.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Ugh I was kind of hoping to get a someone with her point of view... I told my 10 year old tonight that I promised, no matter what it took we would all stay together...


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> She's gas lighting you. That's bs. Of course he doesn't want you to meet his wife. Call his wife see if she knows how much interaction her husband is having with your wife. Tell his wife to check the phone records. Do what middleman told you, block his number.


I dont know his wife nor do I have her contact information. I only know his cell phone number and his work number.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

manowoe said:


> Ugh I was kind of hoping to get a someone with her point of view... I told my 10 year old tonight that I promised, no matter what it took we would all stay together...


If you wife is so open about it. It wouldn't hurt to speak to the OM's wife and find out if she agrees too. No?

Go to the link I gave you. Take the quiz. Even better get her to take the quiz, she could prove herself one way or another.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

manowoe said:


> I dont know his wife nor do I have her contact information. I only know his cell phone number and his work number.


Pu your PI hat on. Google his name, do a people search, find his FB or linkedin page.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> If you wife is so open about it. It wouldn't hurt to speak to the OM's wife and find out if she agrees too. No?
> 
> Go to the link I gave you. Take the quiz. Even better get her to take the quiz, she could prove herself one way or another.


I think she will deny most of the questions. And she did let me read the last few days of messages and they were normal back and forth banter... she could have deleted some to make it seem that way I suppose and of course I have no clue what all they talked about on the phone.

There was one place when she asked when they were going to meet (which she says was for the photo shoot - she showed this to me willingly, I did not demand to read her txt messages.)

The other thing that bothered me is she at one point says, "BFF For ever and ever"


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Pu your PI hat on. Google his name, do a people search, find his FB or linkedin page.


I have a background in internet marketing... this guy has a linkedin page... but it is bare...

Not to mention is me making her end this relationship going to ruin our marriage anyhow? Won't she resent the fact that I forced her to do this? 

I was really hoping she would end it on her own once she knew how hurt I was over the situation.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She's controlling you because she knows you have a fear of her leaving you. That's exactly what she is using against you. 

You're being awfully passive and fearful about this. You better take a firm stand. You're waiting to act and watching your marriage spin down the toilet. She is already leaving you behind and giving him her attentions. You just don't know it yet. How much worse can that be. 

I know it sounds counter intuitive but you have to be willing to lose her, to have a chance to get her back. Right now she see's you as weak and not able to do anything about it. 

Have you spoken to him? Have you asked him if his wife knows how much he's interacting with your wife? 

Check the link and understand the subject. Gather as much info on him as you can get. Find his wife's contact, you have their names and address. Think it over, decide what you want to happen.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> She's controlling you because she knows you have a fear of her leaving you. That's exactly what she is using against you.
> 
> You're being awfully passive and fearful about this. You better take a firm stand. You're waiting to act and watching your marriage spin down the toilet. She is already leaving you behind and giving him her attentions. You just don't know it yet. How much worse can that be.
> 
> ...


I just sent the link to her and an article from MSNBC about having an emotional affair. I am tempted to send him a text message or call him. Have no idea where he lives or what his wife's name is. I could play it cool and get her to tell me.

The funny thing is, when I told her tonight I didn't understand why she was taking the photographs she got upset and was like fine, I will end our friendship I said fine. Do that. She started jumping up and down like a tantrum... Ugh. 

I have to look soooo naive. I am not in denial... Honest.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good call him. Ask him if his wife knows how much he is interacting with your wife. Don't take his chit. Tell him to eff off and never call your wife. Then find out how to contact his wife and follow though.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Okay, don't call him. Get the info on him an his wife. Then call her.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Probably human nature... BUt I know I'd be jealous as all HE L L.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Lol

... That is a hard one. I would do that if I could find it!



anchorwatch said:


> Okay, don't call him. Get the info on him an his wife. Then call her.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

manowoe said:


> Lol
> 
> ... That is a hard one. I would do that if I could find it!


Google people search. There are many services


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

manowoe said:


> I sincerely don't believe she is cheating yet and I don't think she really intends to. What I am afraid of is that she falling for this guy and is being naive about it.
> 
> I really don't want to be the guy who says who she can an cannot be friends with. I tried to even say look, just don't talk to the guy at night.
> 
> ...


DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! This is a huge red flag! She is trying to isolate you so she can create a situation where something could happen between them. Your job as her husband is to c*ck block the other 3 billion men on this planet. You've got it easy because you only have to concentrate on this one. 

Your wife is having an Emotional affair. She is not capable of protecting your marriage right now, it is your job to pick up the slack and keep this from going further. The problem with what your wife is doing is that she is convinced that it is harmless. It isn't. She is well on her way to destroying her marriage. She needs you to step up more than ever. DO NOT be passive about this. Do not be afraid to piss your wife off. Do not be afraid to be called controlling or jealous. She will call you these things because you are interfering in her affair. Tell her that your trust issues come from her not behaving in a trustworthy manner


This man is poaching the love of your life. Are you just gonna stand by and let it happen? Get angry if you have to because whether you like it or not you are now in a fight for your wife's affections. She needs to cut ALL contact with this guy. YOU do the photoshoot if it has to be done. For the love of god don't let them meet alone. Put your foot down on this. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know about how deep this goes. 

Read through this forum when you get a chance. Educate yourself about what is happening right now. Trust the people on this forum. They have been where you are and have learned the hard way. Keep posting.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

jfv said:


> DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! This is a huge red flag! She is trying to isolate you so she can create a situation where something could happen between them. Your job as her husband is to c*ck block the other 3 billion men on this planet. You've got it easy because you only have to concentrate on this one.
> 
> Your wife is having an Emotional affair. She is not capable of protecting your marriage right now, it is your job to pick up the slack and keep this from going further. The problem with what your wife is doing is that she is convinced that it is harmless. It isn't. She is well on her way to destroying her marriage. She needs you to step up more than ever. DO NOT be passive about this. Do not be afraid to piss your wife off. Do not be afraid to be called controlling or jealous. She will call you these things because you are interfering in her affair. Tell her that your trust issues come from her not behaving in a trustworthy manner
> 
> ...



I appreciate all the advice more than you will ever know. Right now I am scared, hurt, frustrated and fuming mad. What really hit home was your line, "She is not capable of protecting you marriage right now". 

She just doesn't see this as a bad thing. Even if it were 100% harmless, the fact that it bothers me should make her stop communication with him... ESPECIALLY if it is harmless. Right!?


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

What about getting her one sister to talk to her? I could relate the situation to her. She might listen to her sister.

[EDIT] Nah... I already don't like that idea.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You have to do this yourself. You have to take charge and fight for your marriage. You need to look alpha, not video game beta.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> You have to do this yourself. You have to take charge and fight for your marriage. You need to look alpha, not video game beta.


Lmao... Yes. I agree.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

It's NOT "harmless". It is harming you.
It is harming her time spent on you, with you, about you.

Ask her... to be honest with herself.. When she is not texting or talking to this guy... Who is in the uppermost part of her mind? Who does she think about? You or him?

Ask her not to answer it to you... just for her to honestly look at it & answer that to herself.

Then ask her if she would not care if you texted & talked & emailed a lady friend of yours... at least 4 hours a day? (Okay, the 4 hours that she would see you most).


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

manowoe said:


> I appreciate all the advice more than you will ever know. Right now I am scared, hurt, frustrated and fuming mad. What really hit home was your line, "She is not capable of protecting you marriage right now".
> 
> *She just doesn't see this as a bad thing. Even if it were 100% harmless, the fact that it bothers me should make her stop communication with him... ESPECIALLY if it is harmless. Right*!?


Of course. But we both know that it isn't harmless. 

manowoe, your basically dealing with a drug addict right now. The OM has become her drug, so she will respond to you like any drug addict would to someone who is trying to 'snatch their high' 

That is why you have to take the reigns. Be the Alpha in this situation. Don't be violent or verbally abusive. Be very firm and show a little anger, but most importantly, do not back down. Draw your line. Tell her this is for the good of the marriage and give her cosequences if she crosses it. 

If you don't stop this now, it will get to the point where the only move you'll have left will be to file for divorce. It still might be early enough to avoid that, but based what you've posted, your closer than you think. 

If you feel like you are overdoing it, then you are probably on the right track. Remember, this is a fight for the life that you've built. Act like it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

After you read Not Just Friends. Get and read Married Man's Sex Life and find out how your beta behaviors let this happen.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Well. I told her. I said if she didn't end it now, I was going to call him and then his wife. She is texting him right now while telling me I am going to regret this... that we are over and she wants a divorce. 

I sincerely hope she will get over this!! I still feel like such a jerk. Especially now.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Why do you feel like a jerk? you didn't even threaten divorce, she did.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

jfv said:


> Why do you feel like a jerk? you didn't even threaten divorce, she did.


I just don't like to be the guy that give altimatems.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

So in her mind your choices are: a) Share her emotionally and eventually physically with another man or b)Divorce her and find someone else who will respect you and won't divorce you over a 'friend'? Remember she is the one in the fog. You aren't. She is the one that will eventually snap out of this and end up regretting it.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

So she just walked out the door. The other guy lives like two hours away... and has a family... so I DOUBT she is going there...

I just called her sister though and asked her to call her and talk to her about the situation.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

jfv said:


> So in her mind your choices are: a) Share her emotionally and eventually physically with another man or b)Divorce her and find someone else who will respect you and won't divorce you over a 'friend'? Remember she is the one in the fog. You aren't. She is the one that will eventually snap out of this and end up regretting it.


I hope so...I just hope she doesn't ruin something or burn a bridge...


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

I am not a killer, but if it means preserving my life then what choice will i have but to become one? You have to be whatever guy you have to be to protect yourself and your family. It is not like she gave you a choice.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

It may not feel good right now but congrats on taking this step so quickly, if you look at some other threads it takes some 20 or 30 pages to get here. The ONLY way you get your wife back is if the affair ends. You cannot be in a threeway. Even swingers have rules against emotional attachments. 

This is the first step. You cannot control how she reacts or what bridges she burns. You can decide to not be a doormat and enable your wife's affair. 

Prepare for her to demonize you and rewrite the history of your relationship. You will not recognize this woman. She will be going through withdrawal so its gonna get ugly. 

Expose her affair. Talk to whatever family or friends you need to talk to(hers and yours) for support and to give them your side of things. 

Remember, you are taking away her fix. Stay strong.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> Well. I told her. I said if she didn't end it now, I was going to call him and then his wife. She is texting him right now while telling me I am going to regret this... that we are over and she wants a divorce.
> 
> I sincerely hope she will get over this!! I still feel like such a jerk. Especially now.


If she's ready to divorce over this, he's been inside. Call the bluff all the way. Time to alpha up. Do you want her back or are you going to send her packing?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> I just don't like to be the *MAN* that give altimatems.


There. Fixed that for you. Time to be the MAN.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> So she just walked out the door. The other guy lives like two hours away... and has a family... so I DOUBT she is going there...
> 
> I just called her sister though and asked her to call her and talk to her about the situation.


They're going to meet up somewhere else or his wife is gone. What do you want to do? Break them up and keep her, open marriage, divorce?

If it's option 1 or 3, start bagging her crap in trash bags. I'm dead serious.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> If she's ready to divorce over this, he's been inside. Call the bluff all the way. Time to alpha up. Do you want her back or are you going to send her packing?


I sincerely don't think so. She is a very Type A person and tends to take bazooka's to arm wrestling matches.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> *I sincerely don't think so. * She is a very Type A person and tends to take bazooka's to arm wrestling matches.


You don't think you want her back?


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

Yes. The others are right. Don't back down. Don't share your wife with another man...you just think you feel bad now. At least keep your dignity.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Just got off the phone with her sister. She is sitting in a parking lot and will come home if I don't talk to her tonight. Positive sign right?

Although... Sister's opinion was waking her up and then giving her an ultimatum was NOT the brightest move.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> You don't think you want her back?


No, I don't think he has, "Been Inside"


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> No, I don't think he has, "Been Inside"


Nobody ever does. Everyone starts out thinking "my wife would never do that" or "our situation is unique." Her reaction strongly suggests she gets a big dose of PEA instigated dopamine and Norepinephrine from this guy. Brain Sex Drugs. That's why she acted like you were going to take away her crack and meth supply.

Who is in a parking lot, your WW or her sister? Are saying your wife will come home if you call her or if you don't call her?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I'm guessing you want to patch things up. First thing is you need to deprogram yourself about women. Somebody suggested "Married Man Sex Life Primer" above. Download it and read it tonight. You also need to find out where you are on the Male Hierarchy. And lastly for tonight, read the 16 Commandments. If you've been breaking them, you've been lowering your SMV. This is all about failing to appeal to your wife's limbic system over a long period of time. I know your programming as a thoughtful, sensitive, American male will resist this stuff, but it's the truth.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Some female input might be helpful here regarding why in situations like this, the wife often seems to have no concept of the h's concern for his marriage at this early confrontation stage.

Even if it is all innocent, this rage reaction only points to guilt in the eyes of the h - 'the lady doth protest too much'. It's impossible for it to be innocent after such a reaction, right? 

The best thing to happen now would be for it all to be out in the open and for close friends to her to make her understand she was naive and that it is in fact wrong for this kind of relationship within a healthy marriage. No one in their right mind would be happy with this friendship for their partner. She will see she was wrong and end it if she wants her marriage to last.

However, the divorce threat is a big worry and exposes the strong bond between them that needs to break.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Nobody ever does. Everyone starts out thinking "my wife would never do that" or "our situation is unique." Her reaction strongly suggests she gets a big dose of PEA instigated dopamine and Norepinephrine from this guy. Brain Sex Drugs. That's why she acted like you were going to take away her crack and meth supply.
> 
> Who is in a parking lot, your WW or her sister? Are saying your wife will come home if you call her or if you don't call her?


Wife is in the parking lot, talking to her sister across the country. Wife will come home if I don't talk to wife tonight.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

She's in deep if her first reaction is to divorce.

You have to see that.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

earlyforties said:


> Some female input might be helpful here regarding why in situations like this, the wife often seems to have no concept of the h's concern for his marriage at this early confrontation stage.
> 
> Even if it is all innocent, this rage reaction only points to guilt in the eyes of the h - 'the lady doth protest too much'. It's impossible for it to be innocent after such a reaction, right?
> 
> ...


She has thrown the "D" word out there before a time or two... It isn't an entirely new thing. LIke I said before, she is very aggressive and will say things in anger in an effort to squash you.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Malaise said:


> She's in deep if her first reaction is to divorce.
> 
> You have to see that.


I know, I do see that...


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

manowoe said:


> She has thrown the "D" word out there before a time or two... It isn't an entirely new thing. LIke I said before, she is very aggressive and will say things in anger in an effort to squash you.


It's immature and disrespectful to you, your marriage and your children. Don't you feel bullied by her? Maybe you need to call her bluff.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> Wife is in the parking lot, talking to her sister across the country. Wife will come home if I don't talk to wife tonight.


So, she wants to come home and you not speak to her. Crazy, man. Tell her okay and leave her a blanket and pillow on the couch in the living room. You need to really act like you're more than willing to split. Call her bluff all the way. No begging, no tears. Cool, calm, and collected. Detached. Don't speak to her tonight or tomorrow. Let her come to you. This will make your wife's head spin like Linda Blair.

Immediately, as in Saturday, tomorrow, get a haircut completely different and shop for clothes, sharper and more upscale to what you normally wear. Buy a suit and some sharp shoes. Women know what this means, even if you don't.

Your wife thinks you are stuck with her and if she leaves you can't get another woman. When she sees the above happening, she'll start to wonder. What kind of physical shape are you in? Do women hit on you much?


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

earlyforties said:


> It's immature and disrespectful to you, your marriage and your children. Don't you feel bullied by her? Maybe you need to call her bluff.


I did kind of... I woke her up and told her if she did not end things with OM I was leaving and asking for a divorce. She said, "Fine". "Then I said, if you don't end it, I will call him." Then she started to get more upset... then I said after I call him, I will call his wife. And then she said, "We are through, you made a huge mistake, you will regret this, etc".

Her sister says she has calmed down some... Still not home yet.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> She has thrown the "D" word out there before a time or two... It isn't an entirely new thing. LIke I said before, she is very aggressive and will say things in anger in an effort to squash you.


Sounds like you've been failing sh!t tests and getting steamrollered. When you don't shut them down, it lowers your appeal as a worthy mate.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> So, she wants to come home and you not speak to her. Crazy, man. Tell her okay and leave her a blanket and pillow on the couch in the living room. You need to really act like you're more than willing to split. Call her bluff all the way. No begging, no tears. Cool, calm, and collected. Detached. Don't speak to her tonight or tomorrow. Let her come to you. This will make your wife's head spin like Linda Blair.
> 
> Immediately, as in Saturday, tomorrow, get a haircut completely different and shop for clothes, sharper and more upscale to what you normally wear. Buy a suit and some sharp shoes. Women know what this means, even if you don't.
> 
> Your wife thinks you are stuck with her and if she leaves you can't get another woman. When she sees the above happening, she'll start to wonder. What kind of physical shape are you in? Do women hit on you much?


Lol, I pretty much have a crew cut now. I am in fair shape. Not an ugly guy, not George Clooney either... but I don't like to play games. At this point, the ball is in her court. I am not going to "beg" her. I told her I love her and I did this for our family. I did tell her she is blind to the situation because she is addicted to this guy and doesn't even know it.

I will wait for her to come talk to me.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Sounds like you've been failing sh!t tests and getting steamrollered. When you don't shut them down, it lowers your appeal as a worthy mate.


Ok, so I am clearly going to read your reference materials. Maybe even join the fan club.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> I did kind of... I woke her up and told her if she did not end things with OM I was leaving and asking for a divorce. She said, "Fine". "Then I said, if you don't end it, I will call him." Then she started to get more upset... then I said after I call him, I will call his wife. And then she said, "We are through, you made a huge mistake, you will regret this, etc".
> 
> Her sister says she has calmed down some... Still not home yet.


You have to absolutely stand tall and be a rock when you see her, whether you speak or not. Out the POSOM to his wife as soon as you can I.D. her. Get a PI tomorrow and you may have a name and number by lunch. That's the best way to shut it down. Your WW did not want you contacting his wife, because your WW knows he will promptly throw your WW under the bus to save his own ass. Do it.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> You have to absolutely stand tall and be a rock when you see her, whether you speak or not. Out the POSOM to his wife as soon as you can I.D. her. Get a PI tomorrow and you may have a name and number by lunch. That's the best way to shut it down. Your WW did not want you contacting his wife, because your WW knows he will promptly throw your WW under the bus to save his own ass. Do it.


Listen to this. This advice is golden.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

The funny thing is... she told me I should talk to someone about the situation.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> The funny thing is... she told me I should talk to someone about the situation.


Haha. Then tell her that's why you called his wife: to talk about it per your wife's instructions.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

manowoe said:


> Just got off the phone with her sister. She is sitting in a parking lot and will come home if I don't talk to her tonight. Positive sign right?
> 
> Although... *Sister's opinion was waking her up and then giving her an ultimatum was NOT the brightest move*.


Her sister does not understand what your wife is doing and what you are dealing with. Explain it to her.

The ultimatum forces the both of you to deal with the reality of the affair and what she is doing to her family. 

It moves you quickly onto the only two paths that are acceptable to a man who loves his family and respects himself: Reconcilliation, or Divorce. There is no in between. 

Actually there is, it is called limbo. And from what I've read on this forum it is relationship hell. 

Mostly out of fear of their spouse's reaction, plenty of people spend months in limbo because they aren't willing to do what you've done tonight. 

Your way ahead of the game when it comes to reacting to situations like this. Stand strong, don't be a d*ck, and let her come to you.

If she does not, file for divorce. 

She either wakes up chooses you and starts R or

You go through with the divorce and start your new life.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Yes. What JFV said.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When she left she no doubt tried to contact the OM to come out and be with her. She either didn't get ahold of him or he couldn't get away from his wife to meet up. That's why she was in the parking lot and eventually negotiated coming home. 

Not to be home, but because tonight she couldn't be with him.

Be on the watch tomorrow when she and he have had time make arrangements.

The number one thing you need to be doing is talking to his wife. Make no more threats about doing it. In fact you'd be smart to tell your wife that you won't. Your wife will be warning the OM of your contacting the OMW and he'll already have the lies set to go, or he will find a way to block you. He might even block you cell phone her cell.

So go quiet and just reach out and call the omw.

You also need to be putting a VAR in her car tomorrow, you need to know what plans she's making with the OM.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> You have to absolutely stand tall and be a rock when you see her, whether you speak or not. Out the POSOM to his wife as soon as you can I.D. her. Get a PI tomorrow and you may have a name and number by lunch. That's the best way to shut it down. Your WW did not want you contacting his wife, because your WW knows he will promptly throw your WW under the bus to save his own ass. Do it.


Listen to Mach he knows what he is talking about!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> When she left she no doubt tried to contact the OM to come out and be with her. She either didn't get ahold of him or he couldn't get away from his wife to meet up. That's why she was in the parking lot and eventually negotiated coming home.
> 
> Not to be home, but because tonight she couldn't be with him.
> 
> ...


To run off like that she is on one big af high and mach will teach you about that too


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

So I woke up this morning to her walking out the door. I happened to notice that my wallet was missing and I could not log into ourr bank account (The bank does frequently lock us out).

I called accusing her of taking my wallet... She said she didn't have it. Said she was talking to the OM telling him it is over cause he wasn't there last night and said she was getting milk.

Turns out my wallet was in the dryer with my pants. Its a cold Saturday and I threw them in there to warm them up.

I am at the point where even if she is open to reconciliation, I am not sure I can do it...


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

manowoe said:


> So I woke up this morning to her walking out the door. I happened to notice that my wallet was missing and I could not log into ourr bank account (The bank does frequently lock us out).
> 
> I called accusing her of taking my wallet... She said she didn't have it. Said she was talking to the OM telling him it is over cause he wasn't there last night and said she was getting milk.
> 
> ...


She's telling him it is over because 'he wasn't there last night'?
and she's leaving the house to buy milK? hmmmm. 

The No Contact needs to happen in front of you. Preferebly in the form of a letter or an Email that YOU write and or apporve of. Either way, you have to be a part of this step. Otherswise it is to easy to B.S you. 

Remember, you HAVEN'T exposed to his wife, so they can continue the affair 'underground' and only have to worry about you buying her bull. 

That is one of the reasons why it is so important to expose to the other spouse if there is one. You still have to do this part. Don't warn her just do it. If its over she shouldn't care right? 

She is the cheater, so if she wants to Reconcile it has to done on YOUR terms. 

While you are deciding if you want to R or not make her jump through these hoops and see how she reacts to them. Esp. the No Contact part.

This will show how willing she is to REALLY end things with the OM and start R with you. If you are on the fence about R, Her reaction to these requests will help YOU decide. 

Mantain frame, you are doing better than you realize.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Wow she is deeper than you thought. She tried to get him out last night. I don't believe that milk stuff, she is still try to met him.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Anyway you can follow her? Track her phone. You cant believe a word she says. Also get a hold if omw you need her in the fray. Breaking up with om is a total lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're in a battle for your marriage. The OM and you wife have been using deception at every turn to fool you. You must not listen to any thing she says, it's all deception and spin of a wayward wife (WW) trying to hang on to her fix, with her OM. This divorce thing is her bluff to control you. Think! She can't have the OM, he's married. That's even part of her attraction, he's not available, like you.

You have to be the strongest one in the room. She is used to getting her way with a fight, now you have to defeat her and take your place as the MAN. That is why she is in so deep with the OM. His status as an alpha male and is attracting to her. 

Get the contact info on his wife any way you can. Call a PI this AM. Go to Walmart and get some VAR s to hide in her car and the house. Put GPS tracker in her car. Put spyware on her phone. You are at war with a drug addict. Do what you need to save your family.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It maybe to late, since she already went to meet him. Go on line and block his phone#, so they can't meet and/or conspire this weekend. It may give you sometime to get to his wife.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

No, she didn't meet him. He lives about two hours away. I read her Txt messages when she got home. She explained how I reacted. He said "all in a nut shell" that he understands that it would be weird if I were not jealous and he would probably react the same way. Then she called him for the "last time as friends". She is very upset right now.

She says it is because of my paranoia of something that happened thirteen years ago.

I really don't want to do the var or gps thing... I feel that if I have to goto those extremes, our relationship is already over. If she is going to continue this with him after last night, she is clearly not interested in me anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

manowoe, your wife don't work---who's names the phone in? if yours shut the acct down..


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

67flh said:


> manowoe, your wife don't work---who's names the phone in? if yours shut the acct down..


It is in my name. So she just forwards me this email from him... And shaw says at the top I should be ashamed of how I reacted.

In his email, he says he totally understands my point of view, would react the same way... And says they were twxting too much... And she still doesn't get it. Frustrating.

I called a marriage councelor and I believe she will go with me. We will see what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're tired, exhausted and not thinking straight. That's more WW fog babble and lies. They are spinning to minimize the situation. Did all that drama and threats of divorce look like it was a simple misunderstanding. If that's so let's discus it with his wife and we can all be friends. That's their sorry and their sticking to it. How will you know what she said is true? You still need to contact the OMW, even if you don't wish to monitor them. She is in a worse place then you. She is still in the dark about what is going on. If you don't contact her the OM has free range to take this underground further and still contact your wife. By not contacting the OMW you also become complicit in the affair. Read the threads in CWI where the betrayed spouse did not make contact with the other BS, see how long the affair continued and how much damage was done.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

And if you plan to contact the OMW, don't tell anyone, so they won't spin you as a paranoid husband. You're a husband protecting his marriage


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> No, she didn't meet him. He lives about two hours away. I read her Txt messages when she got home. She explained how I reacted. He said "all in a nut shell" that he understands that it would be weird if I were not jealous and he would probably react the same way. Then she called him for the "last time as friends". She is very upset right now.


Waaaah.



manowoe said:


> She says it is because of my paranoia of something that happened thirteen years ago.


Ok, I'll bite. What happened 13 years ago?



manowoe said:


> I really don't want to do the var or gps thing... I feel that if I have to goto those extremes, our relationship is already over.


In that case, see an attorney on Monday at start getting it together, cause they're getting ready to underground. That may let it go on for a week, month, or decade before you have DDay #2, which is coming. Google this string: PEA, norepinephrine, Brain sex, dopamine. Read this, first: attraction is like a drug addiction. Addicts usually don't give it up on the first try.



manowoe said:


> If she is going to continue this with him after last night, she is clearly not interested in me anymore.


That may or may not be the case. You've got reasonable, justifiable cause for divorce right now. Getting her back into you is going to be like dealing with an addiction. If you're not willing to monitor her and help her get clean, why set yourself up for more trouble down the line. Cut her loose now and get on with your life. That's probably the best thing to do, anyway.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

manowoe said:


> It is in my name. So she just forwards me this email from him... And shaw says at the top I should be ashamed of how I reacted.
> 
> In his email, he says he totally understands my point of view, would react the same way... And says they were twxting too much... And she still doesn't get it. Frustrating.
> 
> ...


Did get that right 'You should be ashamed of how you reacted'. How about you are protecting you marriage, from and EA. 

Make sue the MC is familiar with infidelity and Dr Glass's works. Use the site, take the quiz, It may help her see what your going through. Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> And if you plan to contact the OMW, don't tell anyone, so they won't spin you as a paranoid husband. You're a husband protecting his marriage


Exactly. Absolutely contact OMW and don't tell your wife until it's done. OM will break NC to complain to your wife after it's done and your WW will call ballistic, so get ready for the reaction. It'll be like nothing you've experienced up to this point. Here's her lines: "How dare you mess with my precious POSOM's marriage and bring such pain onto his wife???!!!! You're such a loser to hurt somebody you don't even know by doing that."


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

manowoe said:


> I really don't want to do the var or gps thing... I feel that if I have to goto those extremes, our relationship is already over. If she is going to continue this with him after last night, she is clearly not interested in me anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No it is not over. She has a drug problem. You must treat her like a drug addict. She is in the fog, her mind is being affected by strong chemicals. Would you not monitor her if she was on crack and she told you she can just stop. All this drama she is causing is withdrawal and fear you're taking away the crack pipe. She won't think straight until the withdrawal period is done. There must be NC. Every time she has contact with the OM, she gets a rush and you start the process all over again.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Manawoe, 
I have watched this in thread after thread, and these guys that are helping you are among the best posters on here.

They are spot on, she is in deep, that email is just cover, if you stand down you are being foolish.

You must monitor her (var, gps, etc) , you need to know so you can, protect her, be sure enough to divorce her if needed, and so she cant paint you as the bad guy now or during divorce.

To every one here who knows, if you stand down now you look like a prize fighter who drops his hands and waits for the knockout! 

Cant you tell how abnormal her behavor is?
Mc is NOT a good idea if she is in contact with other man, i have seen ws drag things on long enough while staying in contact with om all mc even acting like they are working on the marriage, and it makes it a LOT worse. Dont have ANY false hope from mc here!

You should cancel mc and consult a lawyer seriously, the divorce takes time and she can have that time to show true remorse.

If you let her control the narriative that it was all innocent and gaslight you as a controling jerk you will lose!

We see people go soft as it looks like you are doing now and they come back and say " I should have listened"

We should start a thread with that title guys. That would be helpful now.

Manowoe dont be the first poster on our new thread, stand up for yourself dont back down!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

A VAR only costs about 35$...get one at Wal Mart... It is so easy to use and one of the best ways to get information. Think about it....the car is where cheaters do A LOT of talking. I've known people that have gotten their answers that way. Get her spare set of keys, go buy one, turn it on voice activated recording, put in under the seat or in a pocket on the back of the seat...get it out in a few days and listen to it. So easy to do. It is a tool that gives YOU the upper hand!

You can look at it like this....if you love her and want to save your marriage, you will go to great lengths and ultimately, if you succeed, she will be happy and impressed that you did what was necessary..that you value her and your marriage that much. If not, at least you will spend less time in limbo...being in limbo is like living in a nightmare.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Also DO NOT LEAVE THE MARITAL HOME under any circumstance. 

She is very angry right now & may try to "kick you out." Be a stone - strong, silent & unmovable. You stay home with your son. If she wants to be apart from you, she leaves.

I am very sorry about all of this. Remember filing for divorce just starts the process. It can be stopped an anytime.

If you decide to R, please read the CWI forum for advice in order to preven a false R.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Thanks I appreciate all the advice from everyone. 
I am totally exhausted... I will be getting some sleep tonight... I got none last night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

manowoe said:


> Thanks I appreciate all the advice from everyone.
> I am totally exhausted... I will be getting some sleep tonight... I got none last night.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get rest, make sure you eat. Your family needs you to be strong and able to think. See you M.D. if you need something to take the edge off. You've been through more than you were prepared for. Catch your breath.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Another Round 12 screaming battle.

She at least admitted that the texting was obsessive... but I heard a long laundry list of all my personal flaws over the last 13 years.

This is soooooooo exhausting.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Is cheating on her anywhere on that list? Then ignore it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Move to coping with infidelity, you will get more help there. 
She's in deep and is blame shifting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Pay no attention to the WW fog babel, it's all withdrawal. Your crap and her's will never happen again. Keep her away form contact wit the OM. Have you got the info on his wife?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

The laundry list is designed to raise your guilt level to somewhere near hers, not just in her mind, but she wants you to buy it, probably others too.


I'm gonna throw this out there, fellow posters please chime in if it is inappropriate.

I would say somthing like this "If It has really been that bad for you then I would not blame you for filing for divorce, in fact I would respect you for it, But the Bullsmhit you are pulling is so wrong and damaging that I have lost all respect for you and I am completely disappointed in you."

Just repat every time she tries it.

ps contact om wife.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

she stops talking to him

or you leave her

that simple

I am in a mood today where i am upset by peoples ignorance. The answer looks clear to me i am trying to be helpful but truthful as i can be. Sorry if i come off rude i just see it all the time


She stops her behavior 

or 

Divorce

it will spare you a lot of suffering the #2 option that is.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

manowoe said:


> I heard a long laundry list of all my personal flaws over the last 13 years.


Decorum has this nailed. It's her rationalization hamster spinning up justification for her affair by rewriting the marriage history. Your wife can't be unfaithful on her own initiative, she hates cheaters, so that can only mean that YOU drove her to it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Please get and read Not Just Friends, it will resonate so closely to what your wife is engaged in,

What you saw tonight was round one of detox. It will get worse,or she will break NC and get her fix and you go back to tonight.

She will rationalize breaking NC. The OM will break NC. He's suffered nothing for being the OM and he feels free to cone back anytime. You need to contact his wife and clue her in.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Manowoe, one more thought on exposure. If you give his wife the details/phone statements of the emails, text and phone calls, he will be so busy with his wife he won't have time to deal with your's.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

So I took your advice and put a VOC on her phone and caught her in some inappropriate conversations. I then confronted her and played part of one to her. She was ashamed... at first. The next day she reverted back to the, "I did nothing wrong, you are turning this into something dirty."

I have been getting daily pleas from her to let her be friends with the OM... Actually in one conversation she said she tried to meet him but he chickened out. Apparently she wanted to "Hug" him at Home Depot.

Last night we went to counselling... which was a joke. She said to talk 15 minutes a day and go out. That was our counselling session.

When I got home, I sent the OM an email saying, I won't interfere in your friendship any more and CC'd her on it.

I just cant do it anymore. It has been two weeks of hell and at this point, I guess I found Limbo. I am defeated. So... I kind of hated coming back here to say this... but it is what it is.


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## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

Maybe i can help a little, i have bit of insite from both sides since i too play league of legends(you can probably tell by my name who i play) but i know the need for emotional attention.


Gaming at older ages can cause serious problems in a relationship especially if you dont share a liking in games. thats time you arent spending with the partner. You cant erase all the time before these last 2 weeks so expecting her to just trust you have changed by not playing as much isnt going to work. I remember when my child was born my bf zoned me out for a few months everyday raiding on warcraft. I STILL think about that, that was a point where he got to have all the fun he wanted and i couldnt and he laid the whole burden of our child on me. Your wife probably wants fun, wants social interaction. She's probably got your family and one girlfriend am i right? Otherwise she wouldnt need to vent to some random person, unless she truely doesnt want the relationship of you and her to work. 


Maybe your wife is naive but guys having trouble who want to talk to a woman are always looking for something out of it. trust me i know. I used to cling to anyone who would listen to me because i had no one. My boyfriend cut me out of his life so much and when he wasnt cutting me out he was insulting me. He didnt let me talk to anyone because he said i made him sound bad. Guess what i searched out anyways. the people who listened where people who wanted something from me, men. I talked o one guy until one day she started talking sexual to me and i honestly didnt like it, so i cut contact with him for months until he re approached me with a more friendly tone. 

This guy is waiting till he can get close enough to your wife so that she wont decline him. she will have vented so much she only see you as black and him as white. It would be an easy decision. I used to get to those points where i felt so emotionally ready to walk away because i remember all of the wrong. 

I am going to be separating from my bf not for gaming reasons those dont bother me as bad as him insulting, degrading and taking every inch of my patients from me. I took care of him for 4 years and he still picks away every day at me about all the things i do wrong because he says i can fix them.

To get your wife back, say your sorry. tell her that you understand why she needs the relationship with him to vent but you want to be there for her instead of him. that you want to be in her life. tell her that she needs to not worry about his problems because his problems are causing your relationship problems. I suggest cutting out league maybe even all electrical devices(camping for a few days maybe?) that means your wife gives up the cellphone while you give up computer time.

Spending time with your son is nice but you have to balance time with your wife too. and i know it can get pretty frustrating when you call diners ready and they come out 60 minutes later because the game went on too long. you cant hold conversations, you have to repeat questions to the person playing or get louder to get their attention and so on. 

If you try all these and she's still set on staying with him instead of you then i suggest finding a random league player saying that player is a woman and say your talking to her. She will feel it XD might push her further away or realize how you feel about the situation. 


Right now i use league as an excuse to not spend time with my bf because honestly i hate spending time with him when he picks me apart.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Looks like you just gave your wife the green light to deepen her emotional affair and then have a physical affair with this other man if she wishes to do that. If you enjoy sharing your wife with another man, then congratulations...you are about to do just that.

How much do you really love this woman? My guess is that you don't feel the spark anymore, because you have clearly given up on her. How much shame and humiliation are you willing to take before say "enough"?


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

I can't describe what this is doing to me... I have lost ten pounds in two weeks. I hear daily how crazy I am... how my genetics are flawed, how I am morbidly jealous and a whole list of things... I get fed this on a daily basis. 

I do love her... but she clearly does not have reciprocating feelings toward me. 

-Raka... I totally quit all games. Haven't played since I started this thread.


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## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

stopping doesnt erase all the years before ever happening. thats like saying you cheated, now your going to stop. Of course she's going to think about it every day. give her new ways to think good about you.


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## manowoe (Oct 13, 2012)

Raka, One thing... it wasn't years... it was more like three months... and we still had conversations during the day and when i wasn't playing. It isn't like she was totally neglected from my perspective. From her's it is... but I think part of that she is using to justify her actions.


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## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

So there where no other games before league? seems hard to believe a middle aged man just randomly gets hooked on league without some gaming past. 

When you work, have kids and play video games for 2-4 hours a day it doesnt leave alot of time for bonding, special alone time with just you and her and sex. Playing that much, working and having kids in the house your guys sex must be low or reallllllly fast and done.
may i ask how often and long she is pleased in bed? I mean her not you. How much time do you spend on warming her up and such. 

Im not trying to get on your bad side, theres just always a double side to a problem and i like to look at the untold side. 

How many friends does she have?
have you restricted her from talking to anyone else?
Have you restricted her from doing anything ever int he past?

And i do believe video games and relationships do not mix unless you play together. cause thats lost time on the relationship, times when a partner can feel ignored, unloved, and lonely. 

She will use it to justify her actions because she's falling out of love with you, he's going to be her ticket out. Her easy way to leave because it wont hurt when someone else loves her and she loves someone else and looks at you with disdain.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

manowoe said:


> Hello everyone. I am in need of some advice. I want to write this in as unbiased a way as possible so I can get accurate responses from everyone.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we have had a few rough spots but for the last year things have been better than ever. We have both agreed to this on several occasions. For the past few months, I guess I have been overly engrossed in playing a certain video game called League of Legends. It has been a great way for me to unwind after work and I would often play with my 10 year old son.
> 
> ...


She is in an emotional affair with him. But it sounds like even she doesn't know that yet, since she is so open about the messaging.

My advice:

1) Open your eyes ...blink a few times ....then push back from the video game. PERMANENTLY! You have a wife now. Ditch the game. She deserves your time more than the game does.

2) Sit down and talk with her. Make sure your schedules are clear, that you both are alone, and turn your phones off. You need to hash things out. If you don't, you may very well be using "stbxw" in your posts here before very long.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Manowoe,
You know in this state her brain is on "affair crack" from the brain chemicals involved right?
Giving up like you are is like giving up on someone you love who has a drug problem instead of showing the tough love they need. 

This has been so hard on you because you are not detaching, doing the 180, and all the rest.

If you decide to be a doormat dont be surprised if it hurts when they wipe their feet on you.

If you really want to get out of the way,
Cook them a romantic candle light dinner at your home, serve them, play the violin, tell them there are clean sheets on the bed and that you will be back in the morning to clean up the mess!



Edited comment- to harsh, sorry.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

manowoe, I can easily see your issue here. I like you used a sim game to unwind after work. It took about 2 hours each night but it was intermitany as the game didnt need my 100% attention. However, I alsways set 9pm as the off switch. Some nights I didnt use it just surfed for an hour. But I found after an accident where I couldnt use the comp that my W was textng her female friend from 6 till sometimes 9.3010 pm - often sat there trting to talk to her, be a couple etc and the texts wouldbe back and forth. It hardly made of a romantic evening. One night we have visitors who were invited by my W and we knocked up a bari with a few cans to wsh it all down. As I wasntr mobile I did the manly thing and ws chef. During the night there was the W texting her friend, whilst holdig something of a oken conversation with me and our "guests". To cut it short this continued and I lost the plot. I was also told that Id been doing something similar when on the games machine and she was left watch docu-dramas on tv (which I hate anyway) - I then just pointed out the fact that there were now 3 people in the marridge, I played the game to break the stress levels I came home with, and pointed out she wanted e to use these thing so I wasnt tense all night (damned if I did and damned if I didnt). I put it staright about the volume, times and the rudeness of textng when we had guests (at her requests) and even worse when we went out together on a date like night, Id get the dricks shed text her firend. 

Having put both side down. I have made it clear Im not on the comp unless Id doing something for my child or is family business and she knows that, yes, its ok to text but sparingly and there are cut off times. 
In your case the textig is NOT reasonable and it exceeds friendship levels - the guys have pointed you toward an EA and maybe youve seen some of the latest texts - are / have you seen all, she deleted some so you didnt misconstrue - so tehrefore there must have been language used in it at she knews would be classed as suspious. Therefore, have they decided to text with appropriate language about have another means to partake in a more unacceptable conversation. Do you compare all sent/recieved with delivery reports and cell bills. 
Boundries need to be re-established and Im sorry but what would the ex-bosses wife say - does she like this "friendship" and how will your W react if you make a simple lets meeet up with your exboss and his W and have a social night that will put a small but appropriate edge to the conversation and I suspect you might get a disapproving response to not doing it as well.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

manowoe said:


> When I got home, I sent the OM an email saying, I won't interfere in your friendship any more and CC'd her on it.


That's the smartest thing you've done yet. Good move. Screw her. Time for the 180. Fix yourself for you and your kids. Let her go.

I'd still find the OMW and tell her. Screw up HIS marriage. Plus, you owe it to her.

Good luck. And I kind of envy you in a way. Life starts over for you today. Make the best of it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MrK said:


> That's the smartest thing you've done yet. Good move. Screw her. Time for the 180. Fix yourself for you and your kids. Let her go.
> 
> I'd still find the OMW and tell her. Screw up HIS marriage. Plus, you owe it to her.
> 
> Good luck. And I kind of envy you in a way. Life starts over for you today. Make the best of it.


Yea find a way to contact omw and blow this puppy out of the water screw him!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

MrK,
Thats not what he is doing. He is just giving up, letting it happen while he plays his game.
I cant bear to watch, bye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Dude, I'm sorry for you being in this situation but I just re-read all your postings and I have to say that you are responsible for most of what your wife is doing to you. When she said that she would break of this guy's friendship, you should have held her to it. Instead, you just let her walk all over you and stood for it. What was your thought pattern here? If you maned up and became Alpha to her Alpha you would have stood a fighting chance to save your marriage. I understand why you want divorce now, you've been eating her crap so long that something as bitter as divorce would taste good right about now.

I would give it one last shot and do a hard "180" in your personality and expose this affair to everyone including the OM's wife. If nothing else, go out in a blaze of glory.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Actually he said he stopped playing the game a couple weeks ago.

What he's doing is making tentative steps to give her a wake up call. I suggest telling her you want a separation as long as she continues to have a relationship with another man. Give her a real wake up call. The only issue there is that this is just as likely to result in her accepting it and divorcing as it is in her snapping out of it.


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## imjustlost (Dec 11, 2011)

manowoe said:


> The thing is... she talks to him ALL The time. She says he makes her feel good and she became friends with him while I was zoned out in my video game and movies.


I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation. I was in a similar situation a year ago.

This is most definitely AT THE VERY LEAST an EA. My STBXW said her beau "made her feel good about herself when I ignored her" and wasn't long until she professed her love for him. She is blaming you for not being there but really she's justifying it to herself...

Demand a "No Contact" NOW!

Good luck!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, OP what was the inppropriate talk ? So, she was talking to him behind your back ?

One more thing is that she can chat with him on the data plan. If she has a smart phone, many apps have chat inbuilt and they can talk through them without the message showing up on your account.

The OM is definitely sketchy. You should definitely bring the wife into the picture. This might be something he did before. he seems to be scared of his wife finding out,

This is way beyond friendship. She is doing it behind your back and in secret. Huge huge cause for alarms. There is probably more to their relationship, whatever it is. You need to be very careful now. Now that she knows you are recording her conversations, she will be very careful.

What do you want now ?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

manowoe, giving up on trying to stop their affair means you'll be exposing to the other spouse and filing for divorce.....right? cuz that is the only thing it should mean. 

Any inaction on your part means the start of your new life as a WITOL. If you don't know what it means PLEASE look it up. That is where your headed if you don't do the above actions right away. 

I'll give you a hint, it's worse than limbo.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Decorum said:


> If you really want to get out of the way,
> Cook them a romantic candle light dinner at your home, serve them, play the violin, tell them there are clean sheets on the bed and that *you will be back in the morning to clean up the mess!*


Back in the morning? If he does all that they should reward him by letting him watch.

It's apparent that the OP's wife has some attraction issues that go way beyond OP's geek twitch games. Plus OP's not really that much into his wife, either.

Serve her, Manowoe. And I don't mean help her dress for her dates with OM.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

I give up what does "WITOL" mean?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Madman1 said:


> I give up what does "WITOL" mean?


It's what most people really mean when they say cuckold


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Correct. A cuckold has no idea he's raising some other guy's kid. Over time, it's come to mean any guy whose wife is banging other dudes without his knowledge. A wittol knows all about it.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Correct. A cuckold has no idea he's raising some other guy's kid. Over time, it's come to mean any guy whose wife is banging other dudes without his knowledge. A wittol knows all about it.


And enjoys it.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

But is it an acronym?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

wit·tol (wtl)
n. Archaic 
A man who knows of and tolerates his wife's infidelity.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Some guys have admirable patience in these issues. Unfortunately that works totally against them.

And you got to love when the word "jealous" gets thrown around as some sort of holy mantra. And the usual "just friends" stuff followed by a huge emotional breakdown is just plainly idiotic.

OP, exactly what happened 13 years ago? Did you cheat? Or is this a second turn for her?


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