# everyone makes mistakes.



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

I know I will hear the wrath of this, I have written on this site before, please see threads. It will be 1 year this weekend, and a month after our marriage, my husband got arrested for DWI – he had to wear the scam bracelet and had to attend AA classes – after the bracelet was removed he continued to drink and lie about how much he was drinking. It put a strain on our marriage, he would disrespect me to my friends and no amount of pleads would make him calm down on the drinking. It came to the point, where I became and still emotionless into the marriage, and Yes I did wrong, I looked elsewhere and cheated on him. He found out and told his parents, for he knew if he didn’t and I walked away they would of blamed him.. So in turn, he blamed me for everything – Instead of his parent having us discuss it and work it out with counseling or so, they escalated it to my family and degraded me in front of them. What I am upset and hurt is that when he found out, I told him why and how I have been telling him numerous times, that I am unhappy and we need to fix us – he agreed to all of this, and lied and went to tell his parents. 
At the moment, he has moved out to his parent’s house and I am by myself – my mother and brothers want nothing to do with him, as well as his parents want nothing to do with me. 
He wants to work things out and go from there, he wants to trust me again, in which I would take the steps to prove to him, but I ask him to stop drinking cold turkey – and he states he cant do that , he will calm down to 1 drink but cant stop cold turkey right now. We are at the state where I am so confused, I don’t know if I should leave and get a divorce or fight for something that deep down in my mind might never change. 
I do miss him at the house, but I know I could be strong to do with out him. I do love him, but I know either what we decide will be a long road for both of us. We are both 30 years old. 
What would you do?


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Firstly I do not agree that you should have cheated,

He exposed your cheating

Now

The position you and your husband are in is it takes two to fix a marriage. 

At a minimum you both need to see a councillor, each on your own and then together, I say on your own as he may choose to give a different side of the story to you.

Keep the status quo as it is, let him stay at his parents and you at the house. Keep this arrangement until you have had some counselling sessions and together you agree a the next steps. Do not be pressurised to make the change until both of you feel it is the right decision.


----------



## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

What would I do? I would sit down and make myself a list of the pros and cons of the relationship, and what it would look like in the future if my spouse did NOT make any changes at all, and use that to help me decide whether I really wanted to put the amount of work into saving the marriage that it was going to require.


----------



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

Thank you for your opinion, 
We did visit a counselor on saturday - and it became a cat and dog game, he stated that he drank because i was never there for him emotionally or there as I once were. I told the counselor when i was there for him as a wife when we first got married, he put everyone before me and never stopped and put me into consideration. Basically, the therapist said we need to fix own self before we can fix us. Its either you try and if it doesnt work to move on or lay down the consequences.
I have laid down the consequences but he doesnt feel that he can go cold turkey. I am willing to change but he is not - and I just feel if i dont put my foot down for the last time, it will contine to be like this.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He has to go into AA.


----------



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

Tunera, he is in AA - and he continued to drink. so that is not helping him.. the therapist stated that I could fix what i did and prove to him i can be trusted again, but an person who runs to the bottle for comfort has to change on its own.


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I think you miss having someone in the house... not him. Maybe the him you used to love and hope for again. Dont take that lonliness to mean you need him back in your home... for now... he should stay where he is.

You cant make him work on himself, he has to choose to do that.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think that he needs to work on his drinking problems first before he can cope with putting a marriage back in place, 
having an affair is not the answer in solving any of the problems you two face.....
tell him you will help him through the AA program and when he is in a better place you can work on the marriage problems together......
In the meantime promise him No Contact with the affair person and complete access to all your communications with anyone else, phones, comp, he should know your whereabouts at all times.....
Tell him you love him and that you want to stay married but not like this......
It will take time so you will have to be patient and understanding.
I hope he sees this as an opportunity to fix himself and the two of you.......
good luck


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As an alcoholic, I can tell you that nothing will change until he does.

Yes, your affair was wrong but his behavior sounds like it would continue with or without your affair. And people telling you to be open with all your communications and No Contact with the OM is crap. His behavior needs to change.

The alcoholic thinks of no one but himself and will lie (as he did with his family) to cover up his own problems.

I was lucky. I have stopped drinking but I will tell you that if he doesn't it will just get worse for you. Draw a line in the sand now and if he can't step across it, you need to get out now before you find ourself 10 years from now with a couple of kids and no husband (or one in jail or continually passed out in front of the kids).


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One of my DD19's classmates just got charged with manslaughter. She has a 2 year old at home, who has been taken away from her. She ran into another car, while at 0.182 intoxication level, and killed the driver of the other car. At 19, she's going to prison and losing her child.

Don't have anything to do with him until he is sober for a year.


----------



## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Alcoholics will blame their drinking on everything and anything... anything to "legitimize" continuing to drink. Everything he is doing (manipulation) is all a part of this. You cannot get someone to stop drinking unless he/she themself feels they want to and are ready to. Your husband definitely sounds like he is not ready. As long as he continues to drink, more dramas will occur (as part of the manipulation) and he will continuously try and paint you as the bad guy. It sucks but its true. Also, saying "i will not stop drinking but I will only have 1 beer a day" is another common thing said by alcoholics everyday all over the world - it never works. A common thing preached by AA is that one drink leads to another, etcetc - you cannot reduce your intake... you either stop or not. Your husband is clearly not ready.

It sounds to me like your partner already had a drinking problem, but only now is it starting to effect other things in his life like his marriage and family relationships. He sounds deep in denial so to him, these things have nothing to do with his drinking. But in reality it does. My advice to you would be to look after you - that is all you can do until he is ready to stop drinking himself. You may have to leave, maybe not... but for a lot of people with addictions, it takes losing everything before they can admit to themselves that this drinking is actually a problem in their life. Also, one of the best things you can do is go to your local Alanon group. They are a great support, friendly - good people who have been where you are. They also teach how NOT to enable his behaviours (enabling sounds bad but really, a lot of people do it but dont realise).


----------



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

Thank you all for your inputs - to keep you up todate- He stated he will go COLD turkey if I do the following steps to prove myself to this marriage, in which he feels he didn't do as much damage as I did. 

He states:
All these girls night out stops, we go out together or we stay home. Will not be fair if you’re out and about having a drink with your friends and I am stuck home. Spend more intimate times with each other and explore us. No secrets, I give you all my passwords and you do the same. Explain people on your phone or change your number if possible to avoid negative people. Calm down the attitude. Speaking out your problems if theirs one and discuss it, as adult and stay faithful.

Life is confusing!


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

christine30 said:


> Thank you all for your inputs - to keep you up todate- He stated he will go COLD turkey if I do the following steps to prove myself to this marriage, in which he feels he didn't do as much damage as I did.



He didnt do as much damage as you? He is still in denial. He needs to stay at his parents (or whoever will have him other than you) until he is through the 12 steps and at least a year has gone by.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What he is asking sounds reasonable. Give him a _reason _to go cold turkey.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

christine30 said:


> I know I will hear the wrath of this, I have written on this site before, please see threads. It will be 1 year this weekend, and a month after our marriage, my husband got arrested for DWI – he had to wear the scam bracelet and had to attend AA classes – after the bracelet was removed he continued to drink and lie about how much he was drinking. It put a strain on our marriage, he would disrespect me to my friends and no amount of pleads would make him calm down on the drinking. It came to the point, where I became and still emotionless into the marriage, and Yes I did wrong, I looked elsewhere and cheated on him. He found out and told his parents, for he knew if he didn’t and I walked away they would of blamed him.. So in turn, he blamed me for everything – Instead of his parent having us discuss it and work it out with counseling or so, they escalated it to my family and degraded me in front of them. What I am upset and hurt is that when he found out, I told him why and how I have been telling him numerous times, that I am unhappy and we need to fix us – he agreed to all of this, and lied and went to tell his parents.
> At the moment, he has moved out to his parent’s house and I am by myself – my mother and brothers want nothing to do with him, as well as his parents want nothing to do with me.
> He wants to work things out and go from there, he wants to trust me again, in which I would take the steps to prove to him, but I ask him to stop drinking cold turkey – and he states he cant do that , he will calm down to 1 drink but cant stop cold turkey right now. We are at the state where I am so confused, I don’t know if I should leave and get a divorce or fight for something that deep down in my mind might never change.
> I do miss him at the house, but I know I could be strong to do with out him. I do love him, but I know either what we decide will be a long road for both of us. We are both 30 years old.
> What would you do?


Good luck!! If this doesn't make him quit "his choice ultimately" I don't see what will without tragedy being involved.

I may be a little progressive in my cheating mindset, but a drunk I could not be with for any length of time!! I wish you the best.


----------



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

so to update you all, I would like some advice if I am doing the right thing - I told him, we need to take some months apart, and he needs to work on himself with the drinking, that I have to step away and have him fix himself. He doesnt want to separate for months, he want to stay and have me stand by him to fix himself. But I cant, because he might not change as he have shown numerous times. He said if i cant stand by him and stay with him, we should get a divorce. It hurts - but am i doing the right thing or being selfish. 

PLEASE advice.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

There are two problems here:

His drinking and your affair

Should you separate he may battle to control his drinking and you will battle to end the affair properly and evidence to him that it is closed down.

His requests for openness is realistic, have you done everything to prove to him that the affair is indeed over. In your heart as well. 

You wanting to separate is one of the typical patterns of an affair or the fallout thereof.

Try do the following:-

Stay in the same house and set some boundaries for each other.


Write them down together and agree to follow them. e.g. he stops drinking, you evidence to him that the affair is over words, actions and deeds. Both of you go onto marriagebuilder.com and extract the documentation required to give guidance to rebuild your relationship. He must in turn go to AA. If you need some free time then a boundary may be you need an hour a day space or such like. 

Advise both families that you together are working to a plan and they need to step back unless they are fully supportive of BOTH of you.

To you his drinking and his behaviours are a problem; to him your behaviours and the affair are a problem.

You both need to compromise and take the journey together.

It is not easy but as a couple working with each other you can do it.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

He needs to quit drinking on his own, for himself. If he threatens you with divorce. Then so be it.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

christine30 said:


> Thank you all for your inputs - to keep you up todate- He stated he will go COLD turkey if I do the following steps to prove myself to this marriage, in which he feels he didn't do as much damage as I did.
> 
> He states:
> All these girls night out stops, we go out together or we stay home. Will not be fair if you’re out and about having a drink with your friends and I am stuck home. Spend more intimate times with each other and explore us. No secrets, I give you all my passwords and you do the same. Explain people on your phone or change your number if possible to avoid negative people. Calm down the attitude. Speaking out your problems if theirs one and discuss it, as adult and stay faithful.
> ...


First, he isn't going cold turkey, at least not without help. There should have been YOUR condition of his attendance at AA. You are the one making all the agreement here.

I'm not a big fan of separations. And in his case, he will be drinking as soon as you separate. What is to stop him? Who is to stop him?

Stay together, do counseling and have him agree to AA and you gree to his requests.

if it doesn't work out after doing all that, you will know you tried everything you could.


----------



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Oh I feel for you! A bit about me: I ended a 7 year relationship with someone who wouldn't GET IT and stop the drinking. I threatened, begged,pleaded for him to stop b/c but he couldn't do it. We broke up lots, and got back together lots,he was arrested for behaviours while drunk, and still did not stop the binge drinking.Eventually I ended things for good because I knew he would never change. 

Unless the alcoholic can see there IS a problem in themselves and decide they want to change for themselves-it will just continue on. Alcoholism is a dis-ease, and an addiction. It takes tremendous effort and work on the addicts part to overcome, and it is not a 'quick fix'. Honestly, if he can't make these changes for HIMSELF, I can't see them being lasting changes.

If you have the separation right now, I would keep it and make sure he knows that you want to see him make the changes before you will take him back. Let him know you are serious and mean business. If he threatens the D word..let that be his call. 

As it was said above: cheating is inexcusable, but in my opinion, very understandable. When there is nothing positive in a marriage anymore, the heart yearns for that missing connection.We are human, and make mistakes. It is what you do after making them that matters. Have you ended the affair completely, or is it continuing? If you are, this is going to complicate matters a whole lot and make reconciling very difficult, even if he does change his drinking habits.


----------



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

Thank you alll, I feel that I am making the right decision of separating, he is upset and doesn't want it, but I have heard all the lies to many times, and he needs to work on himself. I cant stand by and lecture a grown person. Yes, I have cut all ties with the person I had cheated with, and it was wrong for me to flee into another persons arm, but when the heart is numb, and your emotionless - you loose yourself, it is what you do after. 

He stated he went to visit a psychologist, but everything that was said, is what i have spoken to him numerous about. I dont want to be divorced, but I know i have to start my life over, and having the families not being fond of each other is hard, especially since I am a family oriented person and value them. 

Well update you all, but I thank you all for your continued advice and support. Sometimes, strangers opinions are much stronger than an acquaintance.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Look after yourself 

Best wishes


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good luck.


----------

