# new & clueless...please help



## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi, everyone. I'm brand new to this site. I'll probably be around awhile. I've spent the last few days reading through different threads, & I can't even begin to say how helpful a lot of you have been to me w/out you even knowing it. Thank you thank you.

My story is long & complicated. It's also so harsh that I'm almost too embarrassed to tell it.

This is my very first post. I'm not going to start by telling my whole story, for the most part b/c I've tried twice already but was unable to post, & I spent a lot of time explaining my situation & then lost what I wrote both times- very frustrating.

My H left home just over a month ago. He splits his nights between his buddy's house & the OW's house. I've read a lot about exposure. I've been considering sending an email to the OW's mother, but I'm not sure if I should since my H has moved out. Also, we have a twelve-year-old son. So far, we've told him our split was mutual. I'm wondering, though, if I should tell him something closer to the truth, or is it better to keep him in the dark?

I am worried no one will respond to my post or even care to read it. I would greatly appreciate any input. I will also tell more of my story once I know I am able to actually post.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to give much more detail, if you want help

Just take your time, and get the main details out----Why did your H, leave the mge., why did he find it necessary to cheat, why do you think he left,---does he have FOO problems, that may have caused what he is doing--How are you handling things----how might you handle his return, should he come to his senses, and wish to R----can you handle a future, that does not include this H.????????


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my opinion make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.
Make no mistake you want this marriage to work and never ever settle for anything less. Do not minumize it, so no it was not mutual, your H choose to leave against your wishes. 

And by all means ask everyone for their support in repairing your marriage and I see nothing wrong in exposing this this...even to the OW mother. Remember you are not being vendictive when you are asking others for support in rebuilding the marriage. You are just making it clear that you want the marriage and there are others influencing the dynamics of the marriage and wish for there support in rebuilding it.

Again main thing here is admit the problemmatic marriage and your efforts in repairing it. See your H is doing the damage control here and most on his side are hearing him rewrite the history and for sure making you look like the bad guy. So in exposing this you can #1 enforce the fact that you do want the marriage and #2 you are by no means giving up on the family unit.

The more folks see your side the more uncomfortable it will be for them. Granted when your H gets wind of it all he will surely contactact you and give you a line of BS..something along the line of making you look wrong but when in fact you are only informing others that you want their support in repairing the marriage. Thats it period. 
He will seem aggrivated b/c in fact you are making the affair uncomfortable for it to continue.

Remember no begging and cring, stay strong be confident and keep him second guessing his dicisions. You can't control him but you can control how you behave.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't know whether you want to R, or D---but IMHO, unless you become a hard-hearted-hanna---you will make no progress

Right now your H, has his wife, and his mistress, and he doesn't care----you need to make all of that change RIGHT NOW

1st you MUST contact her H., and let him know what his wife is doing---he may also help you shut down this affair

You need to see an atty., you need to take all marital assets, and put them in an account with only your name on it, so he spends no money on her---you need to cancel, all his credit cards, for the same reason.

You must play hardball with him---right now---you get sloppy seconds, if that---he dissed your anniversary so he could be with her---that should be all you need

Wake him up with a D.---you see how it plays from there


but no matter what, you go into an extremely hard 180, and you stay there---do not back down to him, give in to him, be lovey--dovey with him----right now you are fighting for your own existence, and he come last---I hope you understand---HE COME LAST


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I agree, you are going to have to turn on your "b!tch switch" if you want even a chance of saving this. Hopefully you can find it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm going to say it another way. Protect yourself and don't worry about what he wants. Lock down the financials and start with a seperation agreement and start processing the D papers - you can always stop them. See a lawyer right away. Emptying the accounts is your protection. If it goes to D, the judge will split if anything is left after bills are paid. He has made his choice, show him the reality of it. Start working on you, feeling good about yourself and looking to future you want. Remember first and foremost, the issues in your marriage did not cause this. He made a very bad decision and committed a crime against you. If you decide to try and R (reconcile), it has to be with BOTH of you willing to do it. Right now he is not ready to try.

Do you work? Can you self support?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Get a lawyer - no matter your financial ability, he has no right to confine your resources. Make him use your attorney for a negotiated settlement. That way the attorney is representing you and will keep him from taking adavntage. If he reuses that, tell him the gloves are off and you WILL use your own attorney. Get your own credit cards and take you name off his. Don't let him do it. Beat him to the punch and empty the accounts into one of your own - you need that protection for attorneys and expenses.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> I'm going to say it another way. Protect yourself and don't worry about what he wants. Lock down the financials and start with a seperation agreement and start processing the D papers - you can always stop them. See a lawyer right away. Emptying the accounts is your protection. If it goes to D, the judge will split if anything is left after bills are paid. He has made his choice, show him the reality of it. Start working on you, feeling good about yourself and looking to future you want. Remember first and foremost, the issues in your marriage did not cause this. He made a very bad decision and committed a crime against you. If you decide to try and R (reconcile), it has to be with BOTH of you willing to do it. Right now he is not ready to try.
> 
> Do you work? Can you self support?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

I had put two replies in this thread explaining my situation & where I am now. I was uncomfortable w/telling my story & giving so much info, so I erased them. I desperately need help, though. Things seem to be going from bad to worse. I know if I want help, I have to tell @ least some details, so here goes(again)...

My H started an EA in July '10 w/the wife of a former coworker. My H became her "shoulder to cry on" when her hubby left her for another woman. Over the next several months, they talked on the phone (a lot) & texted (a lot) & eventually started hanging out.

I found out they talked on the phone in Jan. '11. We fought about it a lot, but my H insisted they were "just friends" & would turn it around on me so I ended up feeling guilty & more than a little crazy.

@ the end of Apr. '11, everything came to a head. I found out just how much my H & OW were talking/texting. My H responded by taking off to his buddy's house for a long soul searching weekend. That was when he first said he didn't know if he was 'in' love w/me anymore & didn't know if he was leaving me. Up to that point, my H had been emphatic that he wanted to be w/me, only me. He actually went above & beyond to convince me of this.

He moved out @ the beginning of May (his choice, not mine). I'm pretty sure he spends most nights w/OW. I can look back & see how we were vulnerable to an A. We were in a deep rut. 

I do want to R, but he most definitely does not right now. In fact, he's becoming more of an a*****e on an almost daily basis.

I need advice sooo bad. I was leaning toward emailing the OW & her mom to expose the A, but I think that plan just blew up in my face last night. I didn't know if it was going too far to contact the OW's mom, so I asked my MIL, who's been very supportive, for advice. She "accidentally" blabbed to my H. He was so mad; he thinks I'm just being vindictive & juvenile & threatened a lot of trouble for me if I email OW's mom. I don't know what to do anymore.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You have the advice above your last follow it. It's your only hope of turning this around. Don't be scared by taking these drastic steps. Take your life back. It will will either end happily or not. It all depends on him. You have to push him off the fence now or it won't end and your pain will continue.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's threatened you with what? That he's going to leave you? He already has. Lose your fear. Lose your fear of losing him. He's already gone. So treat him as such.



PartlyCloudy said:


> My H started an EA in July '10 w/the wife of a former coworker. My H became her "shoulder to cry on" when her hubby left her for another woman.


Oh the irony.

Check it out: if he's moved out and won't end contact iwth her and told you he doesn't want to reconcile or be with you, protect yourself and move on. I would get a lawyer. He does NOT have your best interest. 

As for H's mom--don't talk to her anymore about it. Her loyalty lies with him and you already saw what she did. Instead of telling him he's making a bad choice, she sold you out to him.

If you want to do the email to the OW's family, we can help you with that. 

It could say something like 

"Dear X...

It's come to my attention that your daughter/wife/sister has been having an affair with my husband since Month/Year that has been detrimental to my marriage. At this point, it's my decision to protect my children and I want to make sure you are aware of this so that you are aware he is not single and the truth about their relationship.

If you were already aware of the affair, then disregard this email, otherwise I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you the truth."

Something like that. It can be tweaked...

As for your son... I wouldn't lie to him and tell him the split has been mutual. He should know the truth. "Dad has a girlfriend and that is not ok with me so he left."


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with JB on all but the kids. Too soon. If you R, their image of their dad will be forever tainted. Wait for that until it's over for sure.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

Thank you. You guys have had me thinking about a lot of things, even some things I hadn't thought I would need to consider in my situation. I guess I do have to consider every detail, though, b/c WS seem to have a way of turning into ugly ogres once it hits the fan, don't they? 

I am going to talk to an attorney, like you all have said, so I can find out what I need to do to help myself financially. I don't think my H would stop paying our bills, but @ the same time, money is the only ammunition he has if this does turn into a brutal fight. I also want to find out if I can legally keep OW away from my son.

I did send an email to my H's oldest friend exposing the A. I am thinking of writing OW, if only to expose my H's lies to her. That may be the end of me exposing the A. I'm not sure if sending OW's mother an email is a good idea or not. I don't even know her & don't know if it's right to involve her. Since my MIL told my H that I was considering sending the emails anyway, he's most likely already warned them & o/c put his own spin on it, so it might work against me if I go ahead & send them.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

I thought exposure was supposed to be to those people who were close to both of you and would help support you in getting your marriage back together. I'm not sure what good emailing the OW's mother would do? Why do you want to email her? I'd imagine it could cause more trouble, a mother would be far more likely to support her own daughter than someone else. In the same way, the OW is much more likely to believe your husband than you.

It's good that you're taking steps to look after yourself by going to see an attorney. Start concentrating on yourself and take your power back.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

Squiffy, I've been thinking the same thing about exposure. That's why I've been reluctant to follow through on sending emails to OW or her mom. You're right that exposure is to hopefully gain support from friends & family. I've read that it's also helpful, though, b/c it forces WS & OP to face the reality of what they're doing. They can't go on pretending that this new relationship is 'normal' & has not been built on lies & others' pain.

I definitely would not write OW's mom to talk bad about her daughter. If I did write her, I was only going to say a few truths about our marriage & my H's actions before he left. In a way, my purpose would have been to not necessarily expose the A, but rather expose my H. I thought maybe the mom would want to know b/c her daughter had just just been going through the pain of losing her husband to another woman. I keep trying to put myself in the mom's shoes. I feel like I would appreciate receiving that email, but my son is only twelve, so I know my feelings may not be what a mom of an adult feels.

I think you are probably right that it would just cause more problems. I absolutely do not want to start a fight or cause trouble, except maybe between my H & the OW.


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