# Still feel obsessed and going a little nuts



## N8dawg (Aug 27, 2013)

So first a brief synopsis of my situation. I have been with my wife for 18 years, married for 13. We were happily married, but my wife was sexually abused as a child and secretly never happy with herself. She is likely a diagnosable narcissist, admitting many times to not knowing what empathy feels like and not knowing how to learn from her mistakes or feel empathy in any way.
After the birth of our second child, she went through some depression and a year later I found that she was hiding a huge CC debt and had stolen from the inheritance my grandmother gave me. Hurt and angry, I contemplated separation, but with her promises, I decided to forgive. One year later I discovered she had begun an affair with her boss. Very long story, but I spent 2.5 years trying to forgive and reconcile trying everything from taking responsibility for myself, to trying to be more supportive and loving, marriage counseling, individual counseling. She secretly kept up the affair the whole time, even after I caught her in a motel with him, he lost his job for his involvement with her, 8 separate incidents of her hitting me, biting me, and trying break my finger, then discovered sexting a year later, then she lost her job. The final straw was her accusing me of having an affair with her bosses wife and spreading lies to him that I was physically abusing her. We separated last October. She has continued the affair despite his refusal to leave his wife. 
Skip ahead to the last three months. Took us six months to sell our house, which we barely made it out of with anything. We have both moved into our own places and are now proceeding with the divorce. Court papers are filed and we are waiting for a judge to finalize the documents. I will be taking sole custudy, but we are sharing visitation equally. I shared with his wife a few days ago my wifes phone records that prove they are still in daily contact and talking for hours. They have stopped, but as before, I assume it is temporary until they can figure out how to resume under a deeper veil of secrecy. So those are the facts.
So to the main reason I am writing. Emotionally I am a wreck! I have been dealing with this so long that most of my family and friends, although attempting to still be supportive, just can't muster the energy anymore, and honestly I feel about the same. But I have a real problem. Even though I know how hurt and angry I still am, and even though I have tried my best to distance our involvement, keeping relations to logistics of parenting only, I feel like I am still obsessed with the situation. I just can;t stop thinking about it. Her, it, him, my hurt, her hurt. I am having a lot of trouble moving on. I have tried to follow all kinds of good advice about stopping myself, focusing on my kids, out future, letting her go. But I still obsess virtually everyday. I have been dating casually, socializing, doing my favorite sports, taking time to myself. There are days I feel like I am making progress and others where I feel like I have regressed to almost obsessive behavior.I can't stop wanting to know whats happening with her. She lives so close (for the kids sake) that I have to drive by her place to go virtually anywhere from mine and of course I can't help but to notice when she is home and not. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes and really am struggling to reclaim my old self/new self, whatever you want to call it. I know everyone says time will help, but I also know I need to make an active choice to stop thinking about all of this. Anyone have any experience with this? Why do I still care so much? She has been so hurtful, you would think I could just disregard her, but with the children involved and my genuine effort to be civil, I have constant triggers. Everytime I see her, really everytime I speak to her, when I drive by her place, when my kids talk about her. I just want to stop thinking about all this. It is really causing problems in my productivity in life, my business, my responsibilities, and of course my chance of really taking anyone new seriously. Someone help me if you can, Please? This is sucking the life out of me!


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

A lot of us are or have gone through similar issues as you. I think your first step is to go back and read posts and advice on this board. Good luck to you. I still struggle every day.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Love blinds us my friend. I should HATE my wife for what she has done to me. Somehow I just can't. Hopefully someday I can...maybe you can too.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation, but I can relate. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my H and what he is doing. He probably does not think twice about what I am doing b/c I am raising our 1 year old by myself and other supportive family members. As much as I love him I do hate him for what he has done to me and the feelings that he has caused. I never thought that someone could feel this much pain and I would not wish that feeling upon anyone. Hopefully things will get easier with time, that is what people keep telling me. Unfortunately some of us are a little impatient because we would like to move forward with our lives. Good luck to you!


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

I feel the same way and am very fresh with this and it is also eating me alive. The Love is gone, now I am just kind of obsessed in finding out what else she has been lying about and how I can expose it without getting myself in trouble.
I cant get my mind off it, Especially after finding out about some other things that recently happened after being dormant for two years!!!

It's the fact that she has been accusing me of cheating to her friends/family (which I never did) and in reality she has been lying about her own previous affair for two years!!! ughhh. I hope it doesn't take long to get this off my mind. my situation is kind of similar in ways, see post "reality sets in" in this section.

I hope it doesn't take long for you and I will follow this to see how you are doing.


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## N8dawg (Aug 27, 2013)

Thanks all. weirdly it does help to know this is kinda normal for people in our situation. It still sucks but makes me feel a little less crazy. I get the feeling that this is like any chronic pain. It may not really get better, but I will get used to it and eventually mostly forget about it. Become numb to it! I'd take that over the way it is now!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

N8,

Are you getting IC?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

You may find this article helpful:

Obsessing Over an Abusive Ex: Thoughts on Being Stuck | Shrink4Men


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I can relate to what you're going through. It's been 16 months for me and I have just gotten to the point where, as you say, it's numb. 

I still think about it almost all the time, but without the acute anxiety. I no longer care what she's doing, nor do I try to figure it all out.

What helped me immensely was having the absolute bare minimum of contact with her. I NEVER go near her apartment. We do child swap at a neutral spot.

I try to do all minor communication through my D12, like things pertaining to scheduling. I only text her when absolutely necessary and avoid any in person or phone conversations if possible.

I keep answers to her texts to 1 or 2 words if I can and don't respond to any non-essential texts.

You might want to consider moving if possible, I can't imagine driving by my ex's place on a regular basis.

It's like quitting smoking or getting off drugs. Cut it off. You WILL feel better eventually. It's worked for me. Best of luck.


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## N8dawg (Aug 27, 2013)

i have been to 4 counselors. None really did the trick for me. 2 of them just blew smoke up my ass and told me how great I was doing. I understand their job is to encourage people, but I need a more brutally honest therapist that is not afraid to say "hey, Thats pretty messed up!" especially when its about me. I think I have a lot of healthy attitudes about life but like everyone, I'm not perfect. And its those imperfect parts that I obviously I have not accepted and begun to learn from seem to keep me stuck in my patterns So far they are used to regular guys that have a hard time talking about how they feel. That's not me. I could open up to a hobo on the street. I need someone has either been through an affair and divorce or has dealt with extreme cases of both very successfully and I just can't find one. I am tired of spending hundreds of dollars with Counselors who say they are experienced with infidelity when they really mean they have read all the same books I have. You'd think someone in Portland would just advertise or promote themselves as an infidelity and divorce specialist. One of my friends has recommended a counselor which I would like to interview, but we will see.


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## N8dawg (Aug 27, 2013)

To ThreeStrikes and maincourse99, Thank you. The article was great and totally true. I am a nice guy who was always taught to turn the other cheak. That is if someone behaved badly, I should always rise above and be the better person. I have grown to realize that sometimes emotions like anger and sadness are warnings that we should heed. Reacting is not always the best or most constructive way of handling things, but acting in the face of danger is just plain smart, even if other people don't like it. 
I do need to distance my self better. Part of my hardship comes from not wanting to hurt my children in all of this. They are really too young to understand why certain actions are necessary (like moving farther away) And quite honestly, like all children a little too selfish in this stage in their lives to put me first. i am supposed to be putting them first. 
I don't know if I can move just yet, but really limiting my communication with her would be an affective step. She's a narcissist so she is excellent at playing nice with her devil mask on underneath. She can be abusive when she realizes her niceties aren't working. You can watch her fume underneath her mask. I gotta not get sucked in by that or misinterpret her actions as anything other than what they are. A manipulation and a false mask to draw me back in to feeling compassion for her. Everyone says I just need to forgive, but honestly I never get a chance to face my anger. I need to embrace my cold heart for her. I just have to walk the fine line of not letting my kids get caught in that in anyway. I need to find a new life that allows me to find my own happiness and and not hurt my kids in the meantime. 
Thank you to both of you. Very good food for thought!


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

I can empathize (pun intended) with you, because my stbxw is also, without any doubt, strongly NP-disordered, but I didn't even realize it until nearly two months after she walked out. My IC has a narcissistic father, and he was left shaking his head at some of the stories I told him about her. I'm not sure how many problems you're anticipating on having during the divorce process, but this book is a great read:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You can find a therapist who will help you unravel it here:

Find an IFS Therapist


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Use the anger to distance yourself from her. That's constructive. 

As long as you never bad mouth her to the kids, they'll respect you as a strong man.

Forgiveness is a process, and maybe you'll get there. Don't feel guilty if you don't. Better to work toward feeling indifference.


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