# Thoughts on this issue?



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Wasn't real sure where to put this but anyway here it goes. Is it possible for someone to have had some sexual encounters when they were a child, not really forced abuse, but sexual encounters nonetheless, that were of course probably shameful and humilating but yet not carry over into adulthood? 

My wife has a friend who confided in her not long ago, that her husband told her about some things that happened to him as a child. Things that he didn't consider actual abuse, but things that a 10 yr old boy shouldn't have really experienced. She said she thought that when sexual situations occur in a child that it would play out in adulthood and in areas of their relationships. 

She stated her husband never seemed overly sexed, he never seemed that he didn't want it. There seems to be no triggers of any kind when engaging in sexual relations. Nothing seems off or weird etc. I guess she was feeling if someone had those things happen to them there would be some kind of sign that something was wrong when grown. 

She did say too, even though there seemed to be no sexual issues, he was an alcoholic for years but that seems to be under control since he stopped a few years back, but he does have issues with being emotionally connected. So maybe thats where it plays out? 

Has anyone else experienced sexual issues as a child and it carried over into adulthood and adult relationships? If so how did you react or what were your triggers? If you had things happen sexually as a child, have you NOT had anything from those experiences carry over sexually, if not why do think it hasn't? Or maybe they carried over in other ways? 

Thoughts?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I was sexually abused and I have numerous "issues". Who knows if they are a result from the abuse, or just who I was going to be anyways...

Even though I find this fascinating, I don't think it's relevant in the long run... A person with issues has issues, no matter the reason. Treatment of the symptoms is what I'm told (and experienced) is always the primary focus...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> I was sexually abused and I have numerous "issues". Who knows if they are a result from the abuse, or just who I was going to be anyways...
> 
> Even though I find this fascinating, I don't think it's relevant in the long run... A person with issues has issues, no matter the reason. Treatment of the symptoms is what I'm told (and experienced) is always the primary focus...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True, but sometimes a person may not have any real issues, but yet are sometimes forever changed by traumatic events. But I get what you're saying.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

For what it's worth, I have never met someone who was sexually abused and didn't have issues... If that helps to clarify my opinion a little... 

What sort of symptoms or issues do you associate with someone who has suffered sexual abuse? I just caught that you wrote above that sometimes the symptoms carry over into other areas... I assume you mean away from sexual issues...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I think sexual abuse or whatever, can manifest itself in different ways by the time a child is an adult. I think it can effect them greatly. And even more so, if it was never dealt with. 

Some may show it in sexual ways as an adult, some may show it in other ways, such as emotionally or mentally etc. Anger, or withdrawal, addictions etc. Not saying all people with addictions or anger issues were abused, I'm simply saying it can be a part of their coping mechanism for some. 

You said your wife's friends husband, had emotional connection issues that might be part of it. Sexual abuse, is a trust issue. They grow up not trusting other people. So even though he may not have any worries in the sex dept, he can't connect emotionally with the heart which can be just as bad.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

AgentD said:


> I think sexual abuse or whatever, can manifest itself in different ways by the time a child is an adult. I think it can effect them greatly. And even more so, if it was never dealt with.
> 
> Some may show it in sexual ways as an adult, some may show it in other ways, such as emotionally or mentally etc. Anger, or withdrawal, addictions etc. Not saying all people with addictions or anger issues were abused, I'm simply saying it can be a part of their coping mechanism for some.
> 
> You said your wife's friends husband, had emotional connection issues that might be part of it. Sexual abuse, is a trust issue. They grow up not trusting other people. So even though he may not have any worries in the sex dept, he can't connect emotionally with the heart which can be just as bad.


Wow, you answered my question before I was even done editing... LoL!!! 

I agree with what you've noted. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Things that he didn't consider actual abuse, but things that a 10 yr old boy shouldn't have really experienced.


Hmm..this is kind of perplexing.If it wasn't "abuse" or lets say "innapropriate" at all as to cause issues ..why should he have not "experienced it"..If he "shouldn't have experienced" it wouldn't that have made it "wrong" therefore abuse on some level?

Is it possible he doesn't "consider it abuse" but it was?It the "shouldnt have experienced it" comment that makes me wonder that.Is that what he says or what someone else told him?(tht he shouldnt have experieinced it?)


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Abuse is not always violent.

This situation describes perfectly the incident my husband encountered at a very young age. Highly inappropriate, but he wasn't beaten and raped, no.

Yes, this still does affect someone, in my opinion.



dallasapple said:


> Is that what he says or what someone else told him?(tht he shouldnt have experieinced it?)


I think this is often the case with sexually abused children... If it wasn't overtly violent or painful, it possibly might not even seem "wrong" to them until someone else says it is.

I still think such a person is still prone to issues, no matter what they say they believe. As they become adults the awareness of that violation becomes glaringly apparent. I just don't know how it WOULDN'T affect someone...

But, I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time, lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Abuse is not always violent.
> 
> This situation describes perfectly the incident my husband encountered at a very young age. Highly inappropriate, but he wasn't beaten and raped, no.
> 
> ...


Thats what happened to me..it was slow and snaky I was "lured".Later WAY later..(it had always "haunted me) I could barely say I was molested.I thought I was "exaggerating" by even calling it that.In therapy.I made my self "say it"(I THINK I was molested) but I had to say first "I know its not that big of a deal" I mean "look at what happens to some children"..my pshychiatrist (male too) had tears in his eyes.Because how I had "dealed" with what was so WRONG to happen to any child I had "rationalized" as so much better than what happens to some...


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

dallasapple said:


> Hmm..this is kind of perplexing.If it wasn't "abuse" or lets say "innapropriate" at all as to cause issues ..why should he have not "experienced it"..If he "shouldn't have experienced" it wouldn't that have made it "wrong" therefore abuse on some level?
> 
> Is it possible he doesn't "consider it abuse" but it was?It the "shouldnt have experienced it" comment that makes me wonder that.Is that what he says or what someone else told him?(tht he shouldnt have experieinced it?)


I think it was his wife who felt those things shouldn't have happened to him at 10 years old. Experienced or happened to either way, I get what shes meaning. 

Basically what happened was. At 10 years old, he had a 15 year old girl, who was his sisters friend, take his clothes off and try to get on top of him, one night when she was spending the night with his sister, and no one was around at the time. once she heard footsteps she jumped up and ran into the other room. His wife said her husband told her, he felt ashamed and shocked. He was shy to begin with.

Another incident was, he was around the same age, 10 and 3 older boys, not sure of their ages but one was 17 his wife said. Would hold him down and make him touch them inappropiately, and when he got scared they would all laugh. his wife said she didn't know if other things happened to with that situation, or if it was just the touching that occurred. She also doesn't know if he was touched or if he just touched them. 

She also stated he told her these were not incidents that were repeated, they only each happened that one time. from what I understand his home life wasn't to great either, so I'm sure that played a role in how effected him.

I think what his wife was trying to say was, to him it wasn't that big of a deal. However its possible it could have effected him deeper than he thinks.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Thats what happened to me..it was slow and snaky I was "lured".Later WAY later..(it had always "haunted me) I could barely say I was molested.I thought I was "exaggerating" by even calling it that.In therapy.I made my self "say it"(I THINK I was molested) but I had to say first "I know its not that big of a deal" I mean "look at what happens to some children"..my pshychiatrist (male too) had tears in his eyes.Because how I had "dealed" with what was so WRONG to happen to any child I had "rationalized" as so much better than what happens to some...


I think that's along the lines of how my husband has dealt with it... That, and I think he is deeply ashamed that it happened with another male.

Me - I knew it was wrong from the second it began. I was ashamed and embarrassed and didn't want anyone to know about it, ever. I just kind of saw it as something that happened to someone else. (That's my dissociative disorder).

You go through all the phases, I think. I still don't think I'm at a place where I truly accept that it happened, but I can talk about it here. I have a hard time talking about it in therapy... It's just awkward. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I think maybe he thinks since it wasn't a "forced issue" then maybe it wasn't abuse. I don't know. However, I would think holding you down and made to touch others might be considered somewhat forced.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> [At 10 years old, he had a 15 year old girl, who was his sisters friend, take his clothes off and try to get on top of him, one night when she was spending the night with his sister, and no one was around at the time. once she heard footsteps she jumped up and ran into the other room. His wife said her husband told her, he felt ashamed and shocked.
> /QUOTE]
> 
> WRONG!!! That's sexual abuse ..She committed a crime on him..period..
> ...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

trey69 said:


> I think maybe he thinks since it wasn't a "forced issue" then maybe it wasn't abuse. I don't know. However, I would think holding you down and made to touch others might be considered somewhat forced.


That doesnt matter..I got lured by a litter of puppies..No one "held me down"..I just didnt have the "knowledge" to know but it "felt wrong" and I didnt like it..Just didn't have a "voice" I was "afraid" as I'm sure this young man was..you don't understand whats going on ..and you are "confused" THEY take advantage of that..Its NOT yoru fault just because you dont scream and kick and run..its "sneaky" how they do it...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> [
> You go through all the phases, I think. I still don't think I'm at a place where I truly accept that it happened, but I can talk about it here. I have a hard time talking about it in therapy... It's just awkward. :/QUOTE]
> 
> 
> ...


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

trey69 said:


> I think maybe he thinks since it wasn't a "forced issue" then maybe it wasn't abuse. I don't know. However, I would think holding you down and made to touch others might be considered somewhat forced.


I agree... This was forced. No doubt about it. Maybe he's just trying to chalk it up to the stupid things young boys do to each other... But this incident definitely sounds aggressive to me... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Here is the thing about sexual abuse and how it can effect some people, and your wifes friends husband may be doing the same thing. 

Sexual abuse, or any abuse for that matter can be very traumatic! Your wifes friends husband could also only be telling part of the story, for various reasons. One he may in fact feel thats all that happened, and it may be all that happened. Then again, it might be more to the story than he is willing to tell. It could be its all he remembers and blocked out some stuff, or it could be its just all he wants to tell due to shamefulness. 

Some loved ones will never know the true full story of what happened to another loved one if they were sexually abused. Guilt, shame and humilation play a big part in how they feel and see themselves. 

Do you think he would be willing to seek out help now that he is grown? He did tell his wife which is a good thing. Do you know if shes the only person he ever told?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> > > You go through all the phases, I think. I still don't think I'm at a place where I truly accept that it happened, but I can talk about it here. I have a hard time talking about it in therapy... It's just awkward.
> >
> >
> >
> ...


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> dallasapple said:
> 
> 
> > Exactly. Or say that my memories belong to someone else. All my life I've had this strange, out-of-body feeling... Like I am not me, even though I know I am... It's hard to describe.
> ...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Here is the thing about sexual abuse and how it can effect some people, and your wifes friends husband may be doing the same thing.
> 
> Sexual abuse, or any abuse for that matter can be very traumatic! Your wifes friends husband could also only be telling part of the story, for various reasons. One he may in fact feel thats all that happened, and it may be all that happened. Then again, it might be more to the story than he is willing to tell. It could be its all he remembers and blocked out some stuff, or it could be its just all he wants to tell due to shamefulness.
> 
> ...


Its hard to "admit" you were "powerless"..its almost "easier" to think you had some control over it..then you can be mad at your self..and that makes you safe.Its hard to admit you were that vulnerable and helpless..Or that people will do that to you if you are...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> dallasapple said:
> 
> 
> > Exactly. Or say that my memories belong to someone else. All my life I've had this strange, out-of-body feeling... Like I am not me, even though I know I am... It's hard to describe.
> ...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Jamison said:


> YinPrincess said:
> 
> 
> > dalla, when you mentioned alien, it reminded me of a movie/documentary on sexual abuse I read about once. Its called, Mysterious Skin. You can find it on youtube, if you watch make sure you watch each part i n order so you can keep up with whats going on. There is 8 parts, som e are a little longer than others. Its a movie/documentray for men who have been abused, it just kinda shows how it can effect some people into adulthood.
> ...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Jamison said:


> YinPrincess said:
> 
> 
> > dalla, when you mentioned alien, it reminded me of a movie/documentary on sexual abuse I read about once. Its called, Mysterious Skin. You can find it on youtube, if you watch make sure you watch each part i n order so you can keep up with whats going on. There is 8 parts, som e are a little longer than others. Its a movie/documentray for men who have been abused, it just kinda shows how it can effect some people into adulthood.
> ...


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Jamison said:
> 
> 
> > Its Yin Princess....((((HUGS)))))
> ...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Jamison said:


> dallasapple said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry got the quotes mixed up...So Yin you might be interested in checking it out...or whoever for that matter.
> ...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh see I quoted you but it says "me"..your quote is of me..

DANG!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Would probably be good if there were more men willing to come forward on the issue since this particular post was something that happened to a man.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Would probably be good if there were more men willing to come forward on the issue since this particular post was something that happened to a man.


True.Its like 1 out of 4 girls will be raped by 18 .1 out of 6 boys.Nice to hear from some boys..they aren't immune..

I know a couple "boys" ..and they aren't "unaffected"/both or lets say "all" its was other boys that did it to them though.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'll see if I can get hubby to watch it sometime... I'm interested in seeing it as well.

Yes, both hubby and I refer to ourselves and each other as "aliens". We both know what it is like to have that mind... That observes from afar, even though it is YOU in the present - your vessel experiencing all of the good and bad... It's not 24/7 but it can "hit" at odd times. Grocery stores, driving, talking to another... Before you realize it you feel like you've got "missing time", but a memory of it, too. It's strange...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> I know a couple "boys" ..and they aren't "unaffected"/both or lets say "all" its was other boys that did it to them though.


Isn't that strange? My ex's first sexual experience was also with another boy he went to school with - but they were about 15/16 and it was consensual... It just seems like a strange statistic to me... In reverse, hearing about a woman molesting a girl would seem even more unusual, I think...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I'll see if I can get hubby to watch it sometime... I'm interested in seeing it as well.
> 
> Yes, both hubby and I refer to ourselves and each other as "aliens". We both know what it is like to have that mind... That observes from afar, even though it is YOU in the present - your vessel experiencing all of the good and bad... It's not 24/7 but it can "hit" at odd times. Grocery stores, driving, talking to another... Before you realize it you feel like you've got "missing time", but a memory of it, too. It's strange...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah...


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I'll see if I can get hubby to watch it sometime... I'm interested in seeing it as well.
> 
> Yes, both hubby and I refer to ourselves and each other as "aliens". We both know what it is like to have that mind... That observes from afar, even though it is YOU in the present - your vessel experiencing all of the good and bad... It's not 24/7 but it can "hit" at odd times. Grocery stores, driving, talking to another... Before you realize it you feel like you've got "missing time", but a memory of it, too. It's strange...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"Missing time" is also mentioned in that movie...Just to warn you, that movie may spark or trigger feelings...I hope it doesn't do that for either of you, but its a good portrayal or some things than can happen to different people and how they handle it once adults.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Isn't that strange? My ex's first sexual experience was also with another boy he went to school with - but they were about 15/16 and it was consensual... It just seems like a strange statistic to me... In reverse, hearing about a woman molesting a girl would seem even more unusual, I think...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Its not as common..boys are not molested or raped as often as females and when they are its more likely by other males.most females who are molested/ raped its by males as well.females are raped and molested at a higher rate.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Jamison said:


> "Missing time" is also mentioned in that movie...Just to warn you, that movie may spark or trigger feelings...I hope it doesn't do that for either of you, but its a good portrayal or some things than can happen to different people and how they handle it once adults.


I'm fully aware of "triggers"..myself...I still like to learn.(myself).


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Dallasapple
> Its not as common..boys are not molested or raped as often as females and when they are its more likely by other males.most females who are molested/ raped its by males as well.females are raped and molested at a higher rate.


When I was around 12 a boy/man 18 years of age took me hunting. I thought that he wanted to teach me to hunt. When we got out in the country he tried to talk me into having sex with him. I told him no then I ran and walked miles to get home.

Later that same boy/man told me that he was having sex with a 10 year old boy and that the boy liked it. I guess he thought that I would have sex with him if I knew that other boys allowed/liked it. I never got around that man again but I should have told someone that could do something about him. I was told that he eventually molested a lot of boys under the age of 13. 

That boy that was 10 years and was molested old grew up and wound up in prison. I wish that I had told someone!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Jamison said:


> "Missing time" is also mentioned in that movie...Just to warn you, that movie may spark or trigger feelings...I hope it doesn't do that for either of you, but its a good portrayal or some things than can happen to different people and how they handle it once adults.


Wow! I can't even believe the same words and terminology I use are shared by others with the same experience... That's kind of creepy... But I guess not entirely surprising.

More intrigued than ever...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Mr Blunt said:


> That boy that was 10 years and was molested old grew up and wound up in prison. I wish that I had told someone!


You can't keep that on your conscious.. It's unfortunate, but you were young and didn't know! That little boy also had the option of telling someone... Gosh. What a creepy story... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

trey69 said:


> Wasn't real sure where to put this but anyway here it goes. Is it possible for someone to have had some sexual encounters when they were a child, not really forced abuse, but sexual encounters nonetheless, that were of course probably shameful and humilating but yet not carry over into adulthood?
> 
> My wife has a friend who confided in her not long ago, that her husband told her about some things that happened to him as a child. Things that he didn't consider actual abuse, but things that a 10 yr old boy shouldn't have really experienced. She said she thought that when sexual situations occur in a child that it would play out in adulthood and in areas of their relationships.
> 
> ...


Haven't read other responses yet... 

I think that there are a few possibilities: 

1. Those experiences didn't confuse him or make him feel ashamed, and he did not have any negative response at all.

2. He felt confused or ashamed, and avoids acknowledging this to other people, in which case it could get channeled into other behaviors that aren't sexual. 

3. Same as number 2, except he's blocked the effects from his own mind and truly believes it had no effect. This could also be expressed in dysfunctional ways.

4. He was affected, and developed coping mechanism that may involve deviant behavior, and wants to avoid being found out.

ETA: the 15 y.o. girl thing is an example where #1 would be highly possible. A boy who believes it was "cool" wouldn't have the same response as someone who felt cornered. The 3-boys thing is less likely to be perceived that way when it's happening, which would lead me to believe the probability of the other possible results is more likely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sexual abuse manifests in different people in different ways. Some people are able to put it in persepective and get on with their lives just fine. Others can suffer a lot of emotional harm that they get can get over. Most fall somewhere between those two extremes.

I think that the friend's wife should be very careful about looking for problems where none seem to exist. Her husband is obviously dealing with the abuse on some level because he's telling her about it. But that might be all he needs to do. He might just need for his wife to tell him that he, as a child was a victim.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> She said, "Lanie! Why did you LET that man do those things to you?! Why didn't you make him stop?!" . . . . . That's all that was ever said about it. It was never mentioned again.




(((HUGS))))

My mother said similar except she had a tinge of "doubt"(I'm sure out of guilt (mislplaced as it was) .."when could that have happened I was always with you "..No she wasn't "always with me" but that didn't translate to "neglect" which is I'm sure how she saw it or felt..playing in the yard mama..that's all...she then didnt understand why I didnt immediately run and report what happened..I was 4 ..and 5 ..my brother knew about it too and I think things happened to him and he was 6 and 7..we never "thought" to tell..including we thought we were in "trouble" cuz we did something wrong...

(((((HUGS)))))))


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and I didn't tell my mother until I was an adult.It was a secret..almost double the pain because when I finally told her..FULL grown...she "insinuated" (at first) it "couldnt have happened.She doesnt deny it now..(I'm 45) ..but still that hurts..I also feel guilty for even telling her..I could have spared her..but I didnt tell her to hurt her or make her feel "guilty" ..which I think is all it did...Going back?I wouldnt have told her when I did..


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I think that the friend's wife should be very careful about looking for problems where none seem to exist.


I don't think that is what she was doing. I think she had was just wondering, and a natural reaction, since a lot of times people who were sexually abused show it in certain ways, especially sexually. In his case I do think it may have manifested itself in different ways other than sexual. I'm sure shes glad shes not having to deal with what some people have to deal with when involved with a loved one that has been abused.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

LanieB I'm sorry that happened top you! I'm also sorry your mother reacted the way she did. A child needs to be believed, Not made to feel it was their fault or place blame upon them etc.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I haven't read any of the other responses. I did have an older cousin touch me inappropriately when I was in first or second grade . It scared me. He hurt me and I think that scared him. It never happened again. I didnt know what sex was at the time but knew it was something sexual. I was afraid for a while that I might be pregnant (no intercourse.) I dont feel that it has effected me. I even brought it up when I was in therapy. My therapist didnt make an issue of it. Maybe because he was fairly young as well so not so much considered deviant but young exploration on his part????


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

This is kinf=d of a tough issue because the difference between males and females concerning sexual abuse/inappropriateness is actually quite different between the sexes, and each really can't understand the other concerning the basic issues around this, especially as adults.

Females, before menstruation, and after, perceive sexual abouse much differently that women who are physically (not mentally) able to conceive. Males, on the other hand, keep this issue from childhood quite prominently, and rooted in their daily being.

I won't get further into specifics, but if your familiar with the subject, then you can easily find the specifics, in terms of evidence and psychology.


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