# How do I word this?



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Yes, another "friend" from FB/past problem and not wanting to be controlling.

So this girl is on my SO's FB and apparently he knew her from High School (10 years ago). He never dated her but apparently she always had a crush on him and his brother. She lives in a different state, he has not physically seen her since high school and probably never will because they aren't physically close by. She started texting him randomly and it really ramped up and included phone calls about 6 months ago when I was 7 months pregnant. I read some of their texts and was crushed. He basically had told her I had gained 70 pounds which was not at all true. I had gained 30. She started asking him for pictures of me because of how fat I was, she couldn't believe it and started telling him that she just had a baby and lost all of her baby weight already and blah blah blah. I'm still hurt emotionally and my self image of my body was destroyed when I read this. He told me that he talked to her on the phone afterwards and was defending me against her and he stopped talking to her.

Well yesterday I was on the phone with him on our lunch breaks and I was talking, all of a sudden he tells me he needs to be going. It seemed odd and I texted him right after that I thought it was weird. So I checked our phone records and right when we hung up there was a text coming in from this girl. They then texted back and forth for about 20 min.

I don't want him talking to this girl. I was and am still destroyed by their comments about my appearance during my pregnancy. I can't think about it without crying. I just don't know how to flat out tell him I want her erased from our lives. I almost want to message her myself and tell her to get lost. He did that to one of my ex's that wouldn't stop contacting me even though I wasn't responding to the ex. She's not an ex but I think she has no business at all being in touch with him like this. He doens't talk to anyone else over text except people that are actually in our daily lives and I just find it completely inappropriate.

I don't think I'm overreacting but if I am please tell me. If not I would appreciate some suggestions on how to handle ridding her from our lives. We aren't married but we are in a committed relationship with kids, a home, combined finances..everything.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Soifon said:


> *I just don't know how to flat out tell him I want her erased from our lives.*


It's easy. Flat out tell him to erase her from your lives, and present him with the consequences should he choose not to.

Don't try to bluff him, mind you. You need consequences and you need to follow through to show him you mean business.


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## Eilonwy (Nov 27, 2012)

Yes, you should just be upfront about it. Tell him first about how you feel; he should react appropriately by apologizing for his actions and really, getting rid of the girl. She may not have officially been an ex, but that doesn't mean it's not dangerous. Confront him about a) talking so much with her and b) the hurtful comments during your pregnancy. Personally I hate part B of that more.

He really should take care of it when it bothers you so much, but you definitely have a right to confront her yourself as well.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Kick that extra marital EA out.
Tell him he's to stop it right now. Then text her and tell her she has ruined your marriage. That she can go find her own man. The one she's flirting with is taken.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Ditto and ditto. Let him know this is a line he is not to cross any longer with anyone of the opposite sex. Plain and simple.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I wish people would understand that their perspectives on these issues are all that matter.

Don't come to some random internet forum asking if you are over-reacting....have some faith in yourself, listen to your heart, and do what you think is right!!!!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Don't be sad and hurt (on the outside), be mad! You should absolutely demand no contact with this girl. What they did and are doing is totally inappropriate and disrespectful towards you. She can go get her own unattached man and leave yours alone. Step up to the plate with a strong backbone and demand the respect you deserve.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Then text her and tell her she has ruined your marriage. That she can go find her own man.


I agree with the other posters, but this part bothers me. If you tell her she ruined your marriage, she might see that as a green light.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

The OW hasn't ruined your marriage. Your H has. This is on HIM! You know what you have to do. You tell him he either stops contacting her or you are done!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

She's married. Not that that matters to her. I told him that I don't like her and they have no business talking or texting. He said she was asking about a pic of our kid that was on FB. I told him then it belongs on fb and why is she texting about it? He is being really short and doesn't seem to want to get involved in a discussion about it. But I've pretty much laid it all out that she needs to go.

And yes Daydream, I am hurt but it's manifesting as anger right now and he knows it which is why he's backing off and not talking.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Tell her H!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> The OW hasn't ruined your marriage. Your H has. This is on HIM! You know what you have to do. You tell him he either stops contacting her or you are done!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He didn't contact her, she contacted him. Not that you aren't right but she needs to back off. She is intentionally taking their communication off of fb and onto texting/phone calls. After the incident 6 months ago she did text him once fishing for a response. He never wrote back to her then. So now she texts bringing up our kid because she knows him and he loves talking about his kids so she knew that would get a response. I'm not saying he isn't a part in this but she is definitely instigating things. I'm really close to texting her but I'm waiting to see what he does first.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Better yet talk to her husband. Maybe you can do a joint email via FB and tag your husband. Your husband needs to wake up and stop. Let him know calmly this is the only way that your marriage is going to continue positively.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Soifon said:


> He didn't contact her, she contacted him. Not that you aren't right but she needs to back off. She is intentionally taking their communication off of fb and onto texting/phone calls. After the incident 6 months ago she did text him once fishing for a response. He never wrote back to her then. So now she texts bringing up our kid because she knows him and he loves talking about his kids so she knew that would get a response. I'm not saying he isn't a part in this but she is definitely instigating things. I'm really close to texting her but I'm waiting to see what he does first.


_Posted via Mobile Device_

I stand by what I said. She owes you nothing. She doesn't care about you, your husband on the other hand owes you fidelity and honesty!
Do you really think she will give a damn what you think?
Your gripe is with your H. He's the one that needs to tell her to back off.
The best way you can put an end to this is to contact her husband. Not her!


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> I stand by what I said. She owes you nothing. She doesn't care about you, your husband on the other hand owes you fidelity and honesty!
> Do you really think she will give a damn what you think?
> ...


I agree. It's partly why I haven't texted her yet. He's really naive and keeps saying that it's all innocent and if she ever said anything inappropriate he would tell her where to go.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Soifon said:


> I agree. It's partly why I haven't texted her yet. He's really naive and keeps saying that it's all innocent and if she ever said anything inappropriate he would tell her where to go.


B.S. Then tell him he's blind and stupid. I had to tell my husband that. We're women, we know how they play the game. I think maybe he isn't as naive as he's playing though.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Tell her H!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, do this! My husband is well aware of what I will do should any hole-swinging-tramps ever come fishing for him again, and it's called exposing their asses all over the place. Family, job, husband, boyfriend, church, community orgs, WHATEVER it takes.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

DayDream said:


> B.S. Then tell him he's blind and stupid. I had to tell my husband that. We're women, we know how they play the game. I think maybe he isn't as naive as he's playing though.


That is basically what I told him, that I can see right through her. And I agree, I don't know how he can honestly say he doesn't see it. He's the one who told me she had a crush on him when they were younger. He's really stupid if he thinks she is just trying to be his friend. I think he believes it because she is married and that she is also texting and calling his brother (who is married as well). So he thinks this is just her keeping in touch with them. But really she is just an attention seeking ***** who is out fishing and waiting to see which one bites.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He is either completely naive or he's lying to you!
What do you think?
The 'just good friends' line is classic cheater talk. 
He needs a reality check.
Oh and please tell her H. He has a right to know what he's married to.
Is H still in contact with her? How often?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

He isn't blind to it. In fact, he loves the attention, which is why he's doing this. 

I'm with the other opinions. "Put our relationship first or be ready to say goodbye."


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He is either completely naive or he's lying to you!
> What do you think?
> The 'just good friends' line is classic cheater talk.
> He needs a reality check.
> ...


As far as contact, they were talking here and there starting about a year ago and then it really became quite frequent when I hit about the 7th month of pregnancy when I found that conversation between them. I was completely hysterical after I read it. I quite literally couldn't stop crying the entire day. After that she would text him once every couple of weeks and he never responded. I feel confident he isn't cheating, I'm a good snooper 

Yesterday was the very first time he has returned any type of communication to her. He told me that the only reason he responded was because she was asking him about a pic on fb of our kid. My baby has a hemangioma on his head, it's a big red blister looking thing that won't go away till he is roughly 5. He said she was asking him what it was and he wanted to answer her questions about it and he thought her asking privately was the right way for her to bring it up. But seriously, it's not a big deal. I told him I'm half tempted to post on both of our facebooks exactly what a hemangioma is and if anyone has questions to come to me. I know it's a bit indirect to get at her but I want her to know that I know what she's doing.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Soifon said:


> As far as contact, they were talking here and there starting about a year ago and then it really became quite frequent when I hit about the 7th month of pregnancy when I found that conversation between them. I was completely hysterical after I read it. I quite literally couldn't stop crying the entire day. After that she would text him once every couple of weeks and he never responded. I feel confident he isn't cheating, I'm a good snooper
> 
> Yesterday was the very first time he has returned any type of communication to her. He told me that the only reason he responded was because she was asking him about a pic on fb of our kid. My baby has a hemangioma on his head, it's a big red blister looking thing that won't go away till he is roughly 5. He said she was asking him what it was and he wanted to answer her questions about it and he thought her asking privately was the right way for her to bring it up. But seriously, it's not a big deal. I told him I'm half tempted to post on both of our facebooks exactly what a hemangioma is and if anyone has questions to come to me. I know it's a bit indirect to get at her but I want her to know that I know what she's doing.


I wouldn't post that. It's just gonna make you look jealous and insecure and she won't care anyway, or will be happy she made you uncomfortable. It won't look good on you. Just monitor from here on out and if she keeps it up, then say something to hubby, and if she still keeps it up, tell her to back off.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I wouldn't post that. It's just gonna make you look jealous and insecure and she won't care anyway, or will be happy she made you uncomfortable. It won't look good on you. Just monitor from here on out and if she keeps it up, then say something to hubby, and if she still keeps it up, tell her to back off.


You are right. I am just so angry at her and it sucks not being able to tell her off. I think I'm going to tell him that the next time she texts him I'm taking it into my own hands and telling her _and_ her husband she needs to go away. Ugh I hate this girl!!

But he is now fully aware of how I feel about them talking and how inappropriate I find it. I'm sure we will have a lot more to say to each other when we get home tonight. I know, and he knows that he would do anything I asked of him to save our relationship. I'm not putting that out there just yet but it is in my mind to if he doesn't nip this now that he knows exactly how I see it.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I don't see a problem with you putting on facebook what a hemangioma is. Maybe not post the part about "and if anyone has a problem with it.. or a question with it.. come directly to me". That does kind of seem , well, it would let her know that you got upset about it.

BTW, our neighbors baby had one on her cheek. Doc said about 5 it would be gone, but she's 3 now and almost already gone. You have to "look" for it, but its barely still there.

And if she wanted to ask a question without posting it on fb for others to see, she could have messaged in facebook. She did not have to take it to personal texts on her phone. I'm sure hubby should see right thru that. He should not have replied via text.. but replied on the facebook.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> And if she wanted to ask a question without posting it on fb for others to see, she could have messaged in facebook. She did not have to take it to personal texts on her phone. I'm sure hubby should see right thru that. He should not have replied via text.. but replied on the facebook.


That is EXACTLY what I said to him! He didn't have a response to that one.


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