# Everybody else's divorce.



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone.

I've been separated from my husband for 6 months, we have a 2 year old daughter.

I want to vent about the fact that everyone else feels like they absolutely have to have a say about my separation/divorce. I get comments like, "Be nice to him, do everything you possibly can to save your marriage, you'll regret it in future if you divorce, don't make such a bold move." (Some background: I lived with his family in a small house, wasn't happy, he would yell at me in front of his family, it was humiliating, and I finally decided to leave that toxic atmosphere. We tried to reconcile because I still love him, asked him to move in to an apartment with me, and he won't leave his mom/brother. So we are on the brink of divorce.)

It just hurts me that people are so quick to pass judgments and make assumptions. My "best" friend always tells me she wants to save my marriage and comes up with weird ideas for me to try...I feel like hitting her over the head and reminding her that I have tried to save my marriage, but I need my husband to try as well. He's dragging his feet and as each day passes my resentment for him grows. He did not put my daughter and I as his priority and I'm tired of putting my life on hold for him. I'm finally moving in to my own place, a rented condo, and instead of being happy for me my best friend just gave me a dry "congrats, where to?" She says she cannot be happy for me because I'm going to be living as a single mom all by myself and my daughter. (Living with parents right now but moving out in two weeks.)

Why do people assume that I have not tried to save my marriage? Many women would not even think about taking him back after his screaming/yelling rampage and trying to kick me out of his house...yet I went to counselling a couple times and wrote him a huge 5 page letter and asked him several times to move in with me in an apartment.

It hurts me to know that I not only lost my husband, but I'm losing a friend. And maybe other friendships too...time will tell. And though I don't want to admit it, what other people say or think about me DOES bother me...but I move forward regardless. It's like making my way through the jungle but all the branches are scratching me painfully as I move through.

I did the Meyer's Briggs Personality test, apparently I'm an ESFJ which is an extrovert-sensing-feeling-judging. It basically means I wear my heart on my sleeve and can't understand displays of unkindness from other people. So I feel like this is partly my fault: I couldn't keep my mouth shut and poured my heart out about my divorce, so now most people feel like they can have their say about my situation. Maybe I just need to not talk about it with anyone anymore.

I'm finally at a place where I have some self respect, I felt like I was living off my parents' charity, but now I am finally standing on my own two feet, using my own dishes, my own furniture, being a mother AND father to my daughter, because I'm getting my own place. I'm proving to myself that I can do it. But instead of being happy for me, my friend is judging me...and I'm sure many others are too but they just won't come out and say it. I get a lot of the "why do you want to move out of your parents house?" Nobody understands.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sometimes people are thoughtless, insensitive idiots. (No wait that's my ex).

Honestly, try to forget what others say about you and your life. If you can put your head on the pillow at the end of the night and fall asleep knowing that you've lived with integrity, that's all any of us can hope for.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Hi everyone.
> 
> I've been separated from my husband for 6 months, we have a 2 year old daughter.
> 
> ...


If he won't leave his mother and brother, choosing them over wife and child...that should be enough right there. Very few marriages are going to be successful in those conditions. And verbal abuse on top of that? No thank you. If people are rude enough to "advise" you on your marriage, you should try to learn to tell them to mind their own business. I know it is hard for nice people to say that, but you don't need to be dragged down by unhelpful remarks.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> If he won't leave his mother and brother, choosing them over wife and child...that should be enough right there. Very few marriages are going to be successful in those conditions. And verbal abuse on top of that? No thank you. If people are rude enough to "advise" you on your marriage, you should try to learn to tell them to mind their own business. I know it is hard for nice people to say that, but you don't need to be dragged down by unhelpful remarks.


You will not believe the stuff I put up with. His brother is married, has his own wife and child. Yet they all want us to live in one house...there's obviously some weird childhood trauma they're tied to, their dad died when they were very young and they learned at a young age that their survival depended on sticking together.

I actually feel sorry for my husband sometimes, thinking about the kind of over-protective upbringing he must have had. But why do I have to suffer because of it? That is not fair.

And there you go, you said it: he did a lot of damage to our marriage, but I STILL WANTED TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE, and he said "no" to that chance. Yet I'm still being told that I will regret it if I end my marriage, and that I haven't tried hard enough to make him understand.

The stress that I have gone through, and have put my parents through, is a lot and I feel like getting my own place is finally a step in the right direction. I wish others could be happy for me, rather than the wrinkled-up "why do you want to leave your parents' house" response I've been getting.

I'm so thankful for my daughter...a shining star in darkness. She is a joy and I'm happy I have the opportunity to give her a home that is ours, truly ours.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Sometimes people are thoughtless, insensitive idiots. (No wait that's my ex).
> 
> Honestly, try to forget what others say about you and your life. If you can put your head on the pillow at the end of the night and fall asleep knowing that you've lived with integrity, that's all any of us can hope for.


Thank you, this helped me.
I was really upset this morning because I'm on the brink of wanting to end my friendship with my so-called best friend. It seems like she has no clue how to be supportive. I'm still thinking it's probably a good idea to just take a step back and not talk to her for a few months. Don't know.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Thank you, this helped me.
> I was really upset this morning because I'm on the brink of wanting to end my friendship with my so-called best friend. It seems like she has no clue how to be supportive. I'm still thinking it's probably a good idea to just take a step back and not talk to her for a few months. Don't know.


Right now, until the dust settles, it might be a good idea.
At the very least, I'd tell her this is an area of your life you are unwilling to talk about. A real friend understands.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Right now, until the dust settles, it might be a good idea.
> At the very least, I'd tell her this is an area of your life you are unwilling to talk about. A real friend understands.


I'm hurt because she did not ask me how I'm doing the past couple of months...she says it's because she didn't want to seem "nosy". 

I'm sorry, that's a pretty messed up answer to give your very close friend. I thought best friends were supposed to be nosy? And be there for each other! And on the rare occasion we do talk about it, she is always telling me I'll regret it if I get divorced, and to do everything I can to fix my marriage. Without even knowing what I've been through or the efforts I have made. 

But you are right - now I just want to take a step back and re-evaluate everything. I definitely don't need to be pulled down by negative remarks at such a difficult time in my life.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I would be really angry if my closest friend said anything negative about my choices during such a difficult major life event. Yes, close friends can tell it like it is, but not when it comes to your marriage...that has to be off limits, in my opinion. 

If you want to keep her as a friend, maybe tell her firmly that your marriage is your concern but that you appreciate her advice and support about other issues. In a way, it seems irritating that you should even have to deal with this, while your family is in crisis. It depends if the friendship is worth saving.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your best friend isn't supporting you so she isn't adding anything to your life at the moment. Hopefully, she will see she needs to change her tactics if you back away for awhile.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Yes it is very irritating and disappointing that I've gotten into an argument with her about MY life choices, at a time when I'm already very stressed and going through enough crap. 

I definitely will back away...some people really don't get it. The worst part was reading her texts which said, "I want to save your marriage for you, it pains me that you are going through a divorce." And when I got upset, she was like, "People must be right about you, you aren't understanding." Uhm.....URGH anyway!!! It's like, the minute you get separated, people judge your character and values based on your failed marriage...no wonder people stay in unhappy marriages.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

That is because some tend to value the marriage over the people involved. Face it, Unless their is abuse, drugs, or cheating, people have issues with marriage ending. She sounds like she has moral superiority over you, and it is her duty to bring you back into the fold. She is putting her beliefs before the well-beings of others.

I suggest you detach, because she has only the agenda of fixing you.

AS for your husband, he is too dysfunctional to even have a realistic shot of working on the marriage. He has to figure that out on his own,and get help. He may never realize his issues. Detach and start living your own life. I am sure you probably do not want to wait around for him. You both simply want different things out of life, and the chasm is too far to bridge. As things stand, your simply too incompatible. Who knows, there might be someone out there who doesn't mind living the way he wants. In case, your not the right woman for him, but neither is the majority out there.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> That is because some tend to value the marriage over the people involved. Face it, Unless their is abuse, drugs, or cheating, people have issues with marriage ending. She sounds like she has moral superiority over you, and it is her duty to bring you back into the fold. She is putting her beliefs before the well-beings of others.
> 
> I suggest you detach, because she has only the agenda of fixing you.
> 
> AS for your husband, he is too dysfunctional to even have a realistic shot of working on the marriage. He has to figure that out on his own,and get help. He may never realize his issues. Detach and start living your own life. I am sure you probably do not want to wait around for him. You both simply want different things out of life, and the chasm is too far to bridge. As things stand, your simply too incompatible. Who knows, there might be someone out there who doesn't mind living the way he wants. In case, your not the right woman for him, but neither is the majority out there.


There wasn't physical abuse in my marriage, but I'm still debating whether there was verbal and emotional abuse. I think there was. He would scream at me in front of his mom and siblings. I was clearly miserable living with his family, but he put their needs and wants (and his own) ahead of mine. During our last fight, he tried to kick me out of his house - called his brother home from work and demanded that I leave and to take my daughter with me. His brother tried to calm us down because they're afraid of me leaving, and other people knowing the crap that went on in our household. 

The only two options I really had, were to stay and continue being miserable and let him scream at me whenever he was upset, or leave. So I left. Enough is enough, I decided not to put up with that BS anymore, I knew that if I stayed I would not respect him or his family anymore, so I got out of there.

He now refuses to take responsibility for the fact that he tried to kick me out...he says I left two days later so it's my fault. He also says that he's apologized several times and I should forgive him and forget what happened.

I think I have trust issues now. I feel like if I let him back in my life, he'll just try to kick me out of wherever we live...or at the very least, call his brother every time we have an argument and get his side involved in everything. Or yell at me in public again. 

I've also refused to see or talk to his family since the day I left. I tried talking to them about our living situation and how to make it better, when I was living there...it fell on deaf ears...and now I only have hatred for them. Don't want to talk to them. Don't know how I'll react if I see them when I'm out some day. Just a screwed-up situation in general.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> That is because some tend to value the marriage over the people involved. Face it, Unless their is abuse, drugs, or cheating, people have issues with marriage ending. She sounds like she has moral superiority over you, and it is her duty to bring you back into the fold. She is putting her beliefs before the well-beings of others.
> 
> I suggest you detach, because she has only the agenda of fixing you.
> 
> AS for your husband, he is too dysfunctional to even have a realistic shot of working on the marriage. He has to figure that out on his own,and get help. He may never realize his issues. Detach and start living your own life. I am sure you probably do not want to wait around for him. You both simply want different things out of life, and the chasm is too far to bridge. As things stand, your simply too incompatible. Who knows, there might be someone out there who doesn't mind living the way he wants. In case, your not the right woman for him, but neither is the majority out there.


I also think that my friend's husband and mom have a lot to say about my separation. I wouldn't be surprised if they feel threatened by me, like "She's getting a divorce, what if she becomes a bad influence on *insert friend's name here*." They probably tell her things which she repeats to me.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Some people need to believe in marriage and "happily ever after" and need to be able to "blame" someone if their marriage does not work out, so they can hold on to their fantasies that marriage is a perfect state, as long as there is "love". Which, of course, is the real fantasy. Nothing is harder than making a 24/7 relationship work while still maintaing a loving atmosphere no matter what. In fact, it is probably impossible. Anyone who claims to have a perfect marriage is lying.

And yes, he was emotionally abusive to you.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> Some people need to believe in marriage and "happily ever after" and need to be able to "blame" someone if their marriage does not work out, so they can hold on to their fantasies that marriage is a perfect state, as long as there is "love". Which, of course, is the real fantasy. Nothing is harder than making a 24/7 relationship work while still maintaing a loving atmosphere no matter what. In fact, it is probably impossible. Anyone who claims to have a perfect marriage is lying.
> 
> And yes, he was emotionally abusive to you.


When I told her about the hardships I endured and why I left, she says, "everybody goes through hard times, I've been through a lot too."

Her husband slapped her in public. They got through it.

So she's probably thinking that I should just live with it, and keep my marriage no matter what. No thank you - I decided my health, sanity and peace were important enough to leave a toxic atmosphere. Yes I still love my husband and was willing to make it work for several months after our separation - but I think now it's much too late to fix anything. He had several chances and he gave them up.

Why am I even discussing my decision with her...or trying to justify it to her...so silly. It's my decision and it was a very difficult one to make and it makes me SO MAD that people assume I've given up on my marriage without trying! I tried for 3 years to make it work when I lived with him, and 6 months after I left him...now I don't want to make it work. I'm just heartbroken and want to get over it and raise my daughter happily.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> There wasn't physical abuse in my marriage, but I'm still debating whether there was verbal and emotional abuse. I think there was. He would scream at me in front of his mom and siblings. I was clearly miserable living with his family, but he put their needs and wants (and his own) ahead of mine. During our last fight, he tried to kick me out of his house - called his brother home from work and demanded that I leave and to take my daughter with me. His brother tried to calm us down because they're afraid of me leaving, and other people knowing the crap that went on in our household.
> 
> The only two options I really had, were to stay and continue being miserable and let him scream at me whenever he was upset, or leave. So I left. Enough is enough, I decided not to put up with that BS anymore, I knew that if I stayed I would not respect him or his family anymore, so I got out of there.
> 
> ...



Sounds like abuse. Given the pattern, if you stayed with him, eventually, you would have been beaten down. He has anger issues, and he does not view you as his equal. I got a glimpse of that when he threatened to kick you out if you do not fall in line.

As for your friend, she is supposedly trying to save your marriage for you, but it is actually for her sake. You are a threat in a sense, as you represent choices in life. Saving your marriage is really about her, and not you. She can decieve herself all she wants, but not leaving means no options. If you have a fulfilling life after divorce, then it will likely alter or threaten her world view.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Sounds like abuse. Given the pattern, if you stayed with him, eventually, you would have been beaten down. He has anger issues, and he does not view you as his equal. I got a glimpse of that when he threatened to kick you out if you do not fall in line.
> 
> As for your friend, she is supposedly trying to save your marriage for you, but it is actually for her sake. You are a threat in a sense, as you represent choices in life. Saving your marriage is really about her, and not you. She can decieve herself all she wants, but not leaving means no options. If you have a fulfilling life after divorce, then it will likely alter or threaten her world view.


THANK YOU. She feels threatened by what I'm doing and so is "trying to save my marriage". It's not hers to save. And I'm happy to move in to my condo, I don't need or want her negative remarks to weigh me down during an already difficult time. It's super insensitive and selfish.

I'm also surprised that you were able to deduce that my husband does not view me as his equal, and that staying with him would beat me down. He explicitly said to me, "We are not equals, I am far above you, what I say goes." Of course later on he said (at least I think he did?) that he didn't mean it, but I know he did. Else what was all the screaming/yelling/threatening about? He wanted me to submit to his outlook on life, and I couldn't and wouldn't, so he tried to force it on me by yelling. Loud. And threatening. 

I was VERY beaten down while I lived with his family...very much so...thankful every single day that I don't live with them any longer. I take the heartbreak of this separation, over the misery of living in that toxic environment.


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