# How Much Should You Compromise



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

moving on from the other topics at the moment around sex sexless manages or reduced amount of sex after marriage , 
Compromise can be a tricky business just how far should a person go to Compromise, on different sex acts that one person wants and the other is not up for , 
especially when it comes to what gets the green light in the bedroom. from oral to giving anal a shot when you're not a fan, there's a fine line between wanting to make your partner happy and doing what feels best for you.
there are many kinks and many things that don't come under the kink name and how often has one the right to push for his or her own pleasure over the others , we can pretend that no one has the right to put their pleasure first but in you given pleasure to the other is much the same in that one is taking over the other s 
Finding common ground in the sack should be about expanding your sex life into new territory and strengthening your bond—not sucking it up in the name of team spirit. but what if one is pushing all the time for more and more it can even run the risk of turning off the other all together


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> moving on from the other topics at the moment around sex sexless manages or reduced amount of sex after marriage ,
> Compromise can be a tricky business just how far should a person go to Compromise, on different sex acts that one person wants and the other is not up for ,
> especially when it comes to what gets the green light in the bedroom. from oral to giving anal a shot when you're not a fan, there's a fine line between wanting to make your partner happy and doing what feels best for you.
> there are many kinks and many things that don't come under the kink name and how often has one the right to push for his or her own pleasure over the others , we can pretend that no one has the right to put their pleasure first but in you given pleasure to the other is much the same in that one is taking over the other s
> Finding common ground in the sack should be about expanding your sex life into new territory and strengthening your bond—not sucking it up in the name of team spirit. but what if one is pushing all the time for more and more it can even run the risk of turning off the other all together


Communication needs to be happening. If one partner was doing something in past and new partner has not done but wants to, i think the one partner should do it so other partner gets to experience it. But communicate that to each other. Im not in to Anal have tried once before with an ex and it did nothing for me. Like jerking off with a thumb and a finger in A-ok style. Wife is leary of that due to possible future bowel incontinence issue. 

I would do something if wife wanted to, even if i did not care for it, i would di it for her. If it is something one has a legitimate medical concern about then i see no reason to go there. Again if it is something you were doing prior, then no.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> Compromise can be a tricky business just how far should a person go to Compromise


I think you are not asking the question correctly. 

Entitlement can be a tricky business just how far should a person go to stay entitled?

...there, I think that may be a better way to ask your question and you will actually get some meaningful answers. 

I used to think I was entitled to at least a hug! I was wrong as you shouldn't expect a hug from someone when they don't want to give you one. This however does not mean that hugs are indefinitely off the table just because a spouse is recently not in the mood to give you a hug. The reality is that all sorts of hugs are possible once you let go of feeling entitled to them. 

Badsanta


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> Compromise can be a tricky business just how far should a person go to Compromise, on different sex acts that one person wants and the other is not up for


One should only go as far as they want to.

If someone doesn't want to do something sexual, they should remain resolute in saying no.

So everything that I do sexually, is something I want to do sexually. While all of the sexual things that I don't want to do, remain all of the things that I don't do.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> Communication needs to be happening. If one partner was doing something in past and new partner has not done but wants to, i think the one partner should do it so other partner gets to experience it. But communicate that to each other. Im not in to Anal have tried once before with an ex and it did nothing for me. Like jerking off with a thumb and a finger in A-ok style. Wife is leary of that due to possible future bowel incontinence issue.
> 
> I would do something if wife wanted to, even if i did not care for it, i would di it for her. If it is something one has a legitimate medical concern about then i see no reason to go there. Again if it is something you were doing prior, then no.


I absolutely do not think anyone should do something they don’t want to sexually. Full stop.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Devinely Favored is right, communication is key. I also understand the point about doing something with a new partner that you've done, but they haven't. However, that would depend on what it is. There could be things they've done and did not enjoy or even regretted trying that they don't want to do again. I would have to respect that. That is theoretical for me at this point because I know there is nothing she has done in the past that we haven't tried. I mean we've had 30+ years in bed together. We have covered a lot of ground.

Honestly, I let my wife decide what we do and don't do. I can't even think of anything I wouldn't try that stays in the realm on monogamy, so the final decision is hers. That doesn't mean I'm going to wait for her to suggest something, because that isn't all that likely to happen. She is most definitely a responsive desire person, so I will initiate. She may say something like remember when we did this or that lets do it again. I can only think of a couple new things she initiated. She has always been open to at least entertaining the idea of something new and I've worked hard to set aside the fear of asking or suggesting. If she doesn't want to do something I try to understand why to see if there is something we can do to address the concerns. I do my best to not keep pushing it because if I do that too often I will alienate her and she will begin to wonder why I'm not happy with all the things we already do.

Bottom line is I don't want to do anything my wife doesn't want or enjoy, at least a little. However, not even considering something other than the most plain vanilla sex is a problem that would need to be worked on. Remember, compromising applies to both partners.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Having been married to someone with what seemed to be a fundamental inability to grasp the concept of "enough", let me assure you that continual pushing for ever new, ever different, ever _more_ can definitely be a turn-off. There's nothing sexy about feeling like you're just never quite able to measure up, and never will be.

I absolutely believe that growth and exploration are central to a fulfilling long-term sexual relationship. But there comes a point where sometimes you both just need to be okay with a nice, bonding, vanilla, sexual encounter on a Tuesday. Instead of insisting that every single encounter be an ever-more-outlandish three-ring circus. And then feeling hard done by if all you get are acrobats and clowns because the lion tamer has a day job, too, and has been the only one up the last three nights with the sick baby. 

I think there is, for most reasonable people anyway, an achievable balance where you can respect your own needs _and_ respect your partner's. Successful partnerships involve helping one another find that balance. But that also involves being able to distinguish between needs and nice-to-haves, a willingness to be vulnerable and to communicate effectively with one another, and a willingness to accommodate your partner and find solutions that truly work for _both_ of you.

It also means being able to recognize when you're just fundamentally incompatible with someone. If your sexual interests, frequencies, kinks, anything either of you aren't willing to budge on, don't align, then a successful long-term relationship is unlikely. And having a really vast menu of things you aren't willing to budge on - whether those are things you have to have or things you refuse to do - will make finding someone you're compatible with long-term all the harder.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Devinely Favored is right, communication is key. I also understand the point about doing something with a new partner that you've done, but they haven't. However, that would depend on what it is. There could be things they've done and did not enjoy or even regretted trying that they don't want to do again. I would have to respect that. That is theoretical for me at this point because I know there is nothing she has done in the past that we haven't tried. I mean we've had 30+ years in bed together. We have covered a lot of ground.
> 
> Honestly, I let my wife decide what we do and don't do. I can't even think of anything I wouldn't try that stays in the realm on monogamy, so the final decision is hers. That doesn't mean I'm going to wait for her to suggest something, because that isn't all that likely to happen. She is most definitely a responsive desire person, so I will initiate. She may say something like remember when we did this or that lets do it again. I can only think of a couple new things she initiated. She has always been open to at least entertaining the idea of something new and I've worked hard to set aside the fear of asking or suggesting. If she doesn't want to do something I try to understand why to see if there is something we can do to address the concerns. I do my best to not keep pushing it because if I do that too often I will alienate her and she will begin to wonder why I'm not happy with all the things we already do.
> 
> Bottom line is I don't want to do anything my wife doesn't want or enjoy, at least a little. However, not even considering something other than the most plain vanilla sex is a problem that would need to be worked on. Remember, compromising applies to both partners.


Exactly...i figure my wife did anal with 1st cheating hubby tryng to hold the marriage together. She did it but did not like it. I have 1x with previous GF. It does nothing for me so neither me or wife will go there, i might for her at times if she was into it, but it would be for her. At the same time I am quite a bit larger tgan her ex so i imagine she was thinking if i wanted to she was like, "Oh hell, please no!" She was glad i was not into that.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> I absolutely do not think anyone should do something they don’t want to sexually. Full stop.


While I generally agree you often encounter in marriages where things needs some work and a therapist might recommend scheduling intimacy. Well some people do not want to schedule sex because they fear it will become meaningless, they don't want to do it, so full stop? 

My point being is that if a professional therapist recommends for a couple to try something, perhaps even if this is something that makes one person uncomfortable both should be willing to at least try. 

I think this does relate to the OP's question regarding the dynamics of compromise.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

The more you compromise, the more likely you are with the wrong person.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

badsanta said:


> While I generally agree you often encounter in marriages where things needs some work and a therapist might recommend scheduling intimacy. Well some people do not want to schedule sex because they fear it will become meaningless, they don't want to do it, so full stop?
> 
> My point being is that if a professional therapist recommends for a couple to try something, perhaps even if this is something that makes one person uncomfortable both should be willing to at least try.
> 
> I think this does relate to the OP's question regarding the dynamics of compromise.


I was thinking more of sexual acts.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> I was thinking more of sexual acts.


That is where the communication comes in. If it is something that makes one feel degraded then they should voice that to their SO and not just say No with no other discussion, otherwise it may come off to a spouse as im not as attracted to you as i am to my ex, or juat a plain ole' you're not worthy.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> That is where the communication comes in. If it is something that makes one feel degraded then they should voice that to their SO and not just say No with no other discussion, otherwise it may come off to a spouse as im not as attracted to you as i am to my ex, or juat a plain ole' you're not worthy.


Or…I didn’t like it. 😂


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There are things that neither of us would do. Thankfully we tend to agree on these things. If I wanted to do something that made him very uncomfortable or that he just didn't want to do then I wouldn't even go there. It wouldn't be an issue to me either.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Al_Bundy said:


> The more you compromise, the more likely you are with the wrong person.


THIS...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> The more you compromise, the more likely you are with the wrong person.


yes and no FOR SOMEONE THAT IS WITH his first love and has never been with another simple kid that got a very strict up bringing , thought to respect my sister so later it came natural to hold my wife in the same type of respect there are lots of things I or my wife would not do and I don't care if others here look down on me because I have not any wish to do some things but we keep our lovemaking fun 

i am with my wife for 30 years and hope my QUEEN will all ways be the with me it was from experimenting that got us to expand our love making even though what we get up to might be simple we are happy with what we have got 

for someone that has changed big time in my thoughts over the years and i know the dating game we played was very different in our day to what the dating game in now , it seems like now a young couple have to know at least half the kamasutra and be a cross between Rasputin and Casanova before they are dating material
I am not saying today is wrong or my day was right because if I has starting all over I would be doing what everyone of today does but I don't regret been a simple virgin the day I married my wife


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Al_Bundy said:


> The more you compromise, the more likely you are with the wrong person.


Life includes a lot of compromise. It's good for us. If we always get our own way then we become selfishness and spoilt.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There’s a difference between not being into something and not liking it.

I’m not into bondage but if I was with someone that really liked it and wanted to do some light bondage periodically, I would give it the good ol college try and keep a good attitude about it and have as much fun with it as possible, even though it’s not something I would pursue or initiate myself. 

But if someone was wanting to do bathroom stuff or stick anything up my butt - hard no. It wouldn’t matter who it was or what the circumstances. 

Even if Jenifer Anniston and a band of Swedish bikini models were writhing on the floor naked begging for it, the answer would be no. 

Some things can be negotiated and compromised,, and some things cannot.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

badsanta said:


> While I generally agree you often encounter in marriages where things needs some work and a therapist might recommend scheduling intimacy. Well some people do not want to schedule sex because they fear it will become meaningless, they don't want to do it, so full stop?
> 
> My point being is that if a professional therapist recommends for a couple to try something, perhaps even if this is something that makes one person uncomfortable both should be willing to at least try.
> 
> I think this does relate to the OP's question regarding the dynamics of compromise.


My take is a little different. There are boundaries and there are "preferences." People usually don't compromise on sexual boundaries. One of my sexual boundaries is not third person in our sexual relationship. My wife could try to make me compromise on that, but she will end up with divorce papers.

Now as to preferences. When my wife and I went to a Gottman Art and Science of Love weekend workshop, we were told that to "negotiate" a impasse, you need to have learned your partners understanding of the issue better than they know it.

Let me explain. Let's say the impasse issue her giving oral sex. If I expect to negotiate a different outcome, then I need to understand all of her reasons and be able to articulate them better than she can. To do that I will have had to listen to her and understand all of her issues as well or better than she does. 

To be specific, say she doesn't like the taste, she would feel incredibly vulnerable, and she thinks it is humiliating. You can suggest a flavored condom, you can set up a roll playing activity (say bondage) where she has so much control that she will be in total control of the experience, but unless you really understand in detail why she finds it humiliating, you will not get her to compromise. You will need to understand what she means by and finds humiliating as much or better than she does. If you have talked and listened that much then you might come up with some ways the two of you can structure the experience such that she might try it.

The point is if you have any hope to change their mind, you really aren't going to change their mind. All you are going to be able to do is change their perception and then even maybe only on a piecemeal basis. A thing that Schnarch suggested was to break something down into steps that your partner can handle and practice those separate steps independently, so that fear of the unknown or revulsion of something they haven't done can be tested one step at a time. 

Most of us used this approach in our earliest sexual encounters. We first started with clothed making out. Then we progressed to touching skin, possibly removing clothing, then touching genitals, then bringing each other to orgasm on a regular basis, then under the right circumstances intercourse. The point is different steps were taken and practiced until both parties were comfortable with them and owned the step. At that point something else might be tried. If that step became comfortable and was owned by both then the couple could progress even further. 

Again, each step allowed both to understand each others feelings about things much better. 

Having said that, boundaries are still boundaries.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Life includes a lot of compromise. It's good for us. If we always get our own way then we become selfishness and spoilt.


You're right life does involve compromise, so no need to add more unnecessarily.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Life includes a lot of compromise. It's good for us. If we always get our own way then we become selfishness and spoilt.


YES, I definitely agree with this...but it depends on what compromises we are making and how many we make.

Which is why when he said if you need to compromise TOO much, you need to question why you need to change who you are and what you want that much, and if that person is really right for YOU.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

badsanta said:


> I think you are not asking the question correctly.
> 
> Entitlement can be a tricky business just how far should a person go to stay entitled?
> 
> .


Very well said 👍


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

frenchpaddy said:


> moving on from the other topics at the moment around sex sexless manages or reduced amount of sex after marriage ,
> Compromise can be a tricky business just how far should a person go to Compromise, on different sex acts that one person wants and the other is not up for ,
> especially when it comes to what gets the green light in the bedroom. from oral to giving anal a shot when you're not a fan, there's a fine line between wanting to make your partner happy and doing what feels best for you.
> there are many kinks and many things that don't come under the kink name and how often has one the right to push for his or her own pleasure over the others , we can pretend that no one has the right to put their pleasure first but in you given pleasure to the other is much the same in that one is taking over the other s
> Finding common ground in the sack should be about expanding your sex life into new territory and strengthening your bond—not sucking it up in the name of team spirit. but what if one is pushing all the time for more and more it can even run the risk of turning off the other all together


The line is comfort, or more to point discomfort. If what your partner wants to do isn't to your liking, but it also isn't a negative to you, then it's no big deal to give in to it for their enjoyment. However, if it hurts you in ways you are not good with, or makes you uncomfortable, then don't give in.

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> I absolutely do not think anyone should do something they don’t want to sexually. Full stop.


With that, I'd say there was a difference between not wanting to do something and not not wanting to do something. Some things one is just indifferent to, as opposed to wanting or not wanting.

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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Life includes a lot of compromise. It's good for us. If we always get our own way then we become selfishness and spoilt.


Yes, to a point


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I’m up for just about anything she’s more of a “if it isn’t broke don’t fix” category. Her experiences are getting better but for me nothing’s really changed besides she’s swallowed a couple times. I can yell there’s a lot of angst for her with sex so asking to compromise brings up the point of diminishing returns. If she’s not into it I’m not gonna be either.

This applies to things outside the bedroom. My wife’s drive for an ever growing standard of living is on par with my drive to grow our sex life into a joint hobby vs taking care of need every other week. I could easily go all in on her wish list but knowing she doesn’t feel the same reaffirms I can say what we have is good enough as much as she can.


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