# Almost 10 years and ready to call it quits?



## roseblssm6 (Mar 29, 2014)

So we have had issues since the beginning of our relationship.

Married young. He was 18 and I was 17. Within a year we had our first daughter. Our second daughter was born when I was 21 and after that I didn't want more children. We didn't have a son though and my husband was hoping to try once more for a boy. 

We bought a house in 2009 and things had been pretty good. We never talked divorce, pretty much ever. He had a good job and then in 2010 I became pregnant with our third daughter. Now here is where things get rough. Around that time he had been flirting with another woman, a mutual friend. He told me he though she liked him so he asked her. She denied it and that was the end of it. I asked her to stop seeking him out when he was alone. No more issue with that. Two other times in the past he had come to me and said there were co-workers he really enjoyed talking with and he could foresee that there could possibly be something there but he felt bad, told me about it and made efforts to avoid developing those relationships and nothing happened. I believe him absolutely. When I was pregnant with my third daughter I found some emails he had exchanged between a stranger on craigslist. It was a man, and it was to meet for oral sex. I know he didn't go, but he told me initially that it was just as a joke and to mess with the person he was supposed to meet. I didn't believe that at all. Recently he confirmed that it wasn't just a joke, that he's occasionally bi-curious. He's not attracted to men, but just wondered what it would be like for a guy to perform oral on him. 
I really resented being pregnant again for a third time. I begged him to use a condom when we'd have sex and he didn't. He wanted to have another baby, but I told him I was the one caring for it not him.
As luck would have it, I got pregnant. It was the darkest time in my life. I have serious depression issues when I'm pregnant. Even with my previous two pregnancies that were welcomed they were rough. I always feel really "off" when pregnant and as soon as I have my babies I feel 100% normal. I don't have post partum depression, I have it while I'm pregnant. It didn't help that I was sick 24/7 for about 6 months and trying to care for two other little ones. 

So our third daughter was born and I felt better. However he had gained a ton of weight and was almost 300 lbs. His parents and brother moved in with us for about 6 months after our third was born and it was hell. They left but it wreaked alot of damage to our relationship. That summer under alot of stress and anxiety hubby became ill and was in the hospital. He got better, and then things seemed good for about 6 months. In January 2012 our home caught fire and it burnt down. We were all in the house sleeping when it happened and for a brief moment our oldest daughter was unaccounted for. Thank God she got out of the house first thing, but I actually ran back into the house because I heard her yelling and thought she was trapped in the bathroom. My husband grabbed my arm and told me we had to LEAVE. He was right, we would have died if we hadn't, but he has a ton of guilt because he feels like if she had been in there he gave up on her. I'm just thankful that she was outside and we were all OK. He went to counseling to deal with fire triggers and after a few months felt better. 

In the Summer of 2011 though my husband tried marijuana for the first time. He LOVED it. It relaxed him. After our house fire he started doing it very frequently. Until 1 month ago he was pretty much doing it all the time when he was home. It makes him very non functional and all he does is talk about conspiracy theories or deep science things. He's very brainy and the weed makes him have no filter. After being in the hospital in 2011 our doctor had him on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. Those two meds ended up making him have worse anxiety and panic attacks so bad he actually was missing a ton of work. I've been a stay at home mom with no college for almost 10 years so it's very financially draining. He actually left his company in 2011 and went with another company for less pay. It was a horrible horrible choice. He went back to his old company but for far less pay so we've been dealing with terrible financial strains for the last 2-3 years as well. And with three kids it hasn't been feasible for me to work with the cost of childcare. 
Thankfully our older two are in school now and I am going to work part time soon here to help with things.

But the marijuana thing was killing me. I begged him to stop and he would cut back for maybe a few weeks and then go back to it. It numbed the stress for him and while I was glad for relief for him, and OK with occasional use (like once a weekend after work, like a beer to unwind with) he would go back to smoking alot of it. That was not helping with finances of course. We just can't afford it. 

In June of 2013 his brother committed suicide. The therapy he had been in for the fire seriously helped him to cope with that. I'm so thankful he had already been going.


Last August I had just hit the boiling point. I couldn't take it anymore. For the first time I started to loathe the sight of him and really resent him. But I felt trapped. How can I be a single mom with 3 kids? It just felt overwhelming. We talked divorce, not super seriously but then we were able to talk and things seemed to be looking up. He briefly, again, cut back on the weed smoking and then things started getting rocky again in January. I started feeling restless and unhappy. Again, I think it was due to feeling neglected and stressed with finances etc. I started imagining how it would be to be with a different type of guy. A hardworking and devoted guy like the ones I've grown up around. Someone more like my dad. A guy who fixes things and doesn't feel like he's another kid I have to take care of. He's never been able to get the cars fixed, or take care of those things. Other than his job, I take care of all other household responsibilities. He doesn't even know anything about the budget because he just isn't interested in stepping up and it's so hard to try and budget and say "hey, you can't spend any money, because I have to pay this bill" or something then he goes and spends $200 a month on fast food instead of taking food from home etc. 

A month ago we were attempting to have sex and I was really ready for it but he kept doing something he knows I don't like and even when I flat out mentioned it several times he still wasn't changing what he was doing. It was stupid. So I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was falling asleep. I said something and he didn't respond so I got up and went to the couch. I sent him a text saying I just felt like he wasn't making an effort to romance me etc. and he started sending back horrible messages. He said I make him want to die because he can't do anything right, and I'm always nitpicking and naggy and called me a mother******, c***, and I was just stunned. It was such a horrible response to the situation. I went upstairs to talk and remained calm while he screamed at me and said he hated me. 

After that I felt so lost. We had apologized to each other about that fight and he said he can't believe he reacted that way and was so sorry. It just makes me feel like there's some serious issues. He often has responded in strange ways or takes things the wrong way. It's not just me either, my whole family have noticed it. 

Meanwhile I know I'm not perfect. From the beginning our personalities have clashed. Our families are completely different. I'm a country girl and used to rough and tumble guys who work on their trucks and go mudding on the weekends. He's a city boy who grew up pretty sensitive and with three sensitive brothers. It's OK, but I'm not used to it. Honestly, we didn't know much about each other when we got married. We hadn't known each other that long and our parents were crazy to let us do it. 
The way I talk to him triggers him and we end up fighting. It's gotten progressively worse over the years, even when we try really hard to remain calm and hear the other person out. I feel like when I say something he often gets something totally different out of it. 

Anyway three weeks ago I told him flat out how I was feeling. Lost, numb, that I felt like we had stayed together so long out of committment when we both knew early on that it was a mistake but the longer we were together and since having three kids we just really felt stuck. We aren't a good match for each other and I told him we both need help working on ourselves as individuals. We both have issues that contribute. Unfortunately we were going to Florida to take our kids to visit my dad and brothers down there and to take our kids to disney. We agreed to put aside our problems and enjoy the trip. 

On the way down he kept recording our conversations, snooping in my phone etc. 

I made a mistake right before we left and chatting up a stranger online. We had cyber sex/exchanged photos/dirty talk etc. and I told my husband. At first he told me it turned him on to imagine me with someone else and wanted to know details. That really made me uncomfortable. Then in the middle of the night he woke me up angry and said we were over and called me an adulteress over and over, packed his stuff and went to a hotel for the night. The next day he came back and we talked and agreed to work on things. 

One of the nights we weren't getting along he slept at a female co-workers house. Since last August he's had a bit of an emotional affair with this woman. He's kind of told her hey, I'm married, but not really ended the relationship. 

So during our trip I decided I was done. He told me dad all kinds of things that weren't true, kept accusing me of having serial affairs during our marriage. One day before we left for the trip he stole my phone, then told me and our kids we had to leave. He took me to my moms, but I went back later and he had taken all this stuff and left. I didn't see him for almost three days. He came back so we could go on our trip. 

While in Florida he told me I was an unfit mother and he was going to get full custody of our kids. He kept recording me and my family and calmly saying things in a way that would get a reaction from people. He was being really manipulative. He was under a ton of stress and kept begging me to reconcile and go to counseling. I was livid, hurt and in shock at how he was treating me after the initial cause of this was just me telling him how I was feeling. I was never planning on divorcing him until things escalated. 

He asked me to go to counseling. I said I would but he wanted me to basically promise that we were going to stay together and I said I couldn't do that. I'd go to counseling and see how it went. But he said no about that. 

The whole trip down and back etc. I've allowed him access to my phone so he can see I'm not hiding anything. He has changed his passwords, work account health insurance stuff, doesn't let me see his phone etc. He's been talking to his female co-worker the whole time too. 

After we got back things were calm. He has apologized to me and we agreed on the divorce. We agreed on the terms for the kids/support/dividing up assets etc. He deleted the recordings and screen shots of things he thought were suspicious on my phone and hasn't tried to look at it again. I know he's over that hump of extreme stress and told me he's ready to move on and amicably break up. 

Since we got home 4 days ago he has spent almost all his time at either work or with the female co-worker. Monday when he got home he told me she had kissed him. My reaction is indifference honestly. But we had sex on Sunday Night, without a condom, because we were both really horny and hadn't had sex in over 2 weeks. But yesterday he told me she gave him a blow job on Sunday before we had sex. I'm angry that he didn't tell me. I don't know her and he doesn't know for sure she doesn't have anything. 

I've had such horrible anxiety the last few days. I'm not sure if it's because I feel regret that we decided to end it, or anxiety about finances and being lonely. I've been really lonely and I don't want to stay in my marriage because I'm afraid of being alone or how I'll support myself. In my heart I feel like we're just so not right for each other. But we have all this history. I just don't want to wake up in 10 more years and regret staying. I'm only 27 now. I can start over now. 

So I asked him to at least go to counseling with me last night just so we can sort our feelings out either way. He said he didn't really want to because he was just content with it being over, because he doesn't want to get hurt more. I understand. I told him I knew it wasn't fair of me to ask after being 100% sure I was done for a few weeks. He came home last night and we had good calm talks. I almost kind of missed him... It felt good having him here because it's familiar. We went to sleep and I felt content after we talked that we aren't right for each other and divorcing is the right choice. When I woke up I had horrible anxiety and asked him again about the counseling. He's agreed now and said he really does want to start over with me, but again he's afraid I'm going to go to counseling for a while with him and still decide to leave and it's going to hurt him too much. 

So is going to the counseling a good idea? Because even after agreeing on that this morning I'm having horrible anxiety. 
I just want to know if my anxiety is because I love him and don't want to be apart? Or if it's just normal stress from changing life situations. If I knew I wouldn't regret this choice I feel like I'd press through. I just can't stop imagining my life with someone new and having a different and more compatible relationship. When I was in Florida there was a friend of my brother's that is the sweetest kindest guy. I've known him forever and there were sparks... and I'm honestly really sad that I might reconcile my marriage and nothing could ever happen with that guy. 
How screwed up am I?  


I'm sorry this is so long.


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## I like cake (Apr 30, 2014)

I really don't know where to begin with advice for you, but I just want to let you know that I feel for you. I have just joined this site, as I have problems of my own, and it's so sad to see the huge variety of problems people have.

One thing I'll say - have you got anyone you're close to who can advise you? It would be great if there's someone who is close to both of you. 

It's sad to end a marriage if there's any respect and care left for each other, and where there are kids... so try really hard, and encourage him to try, too.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I need a drink after reading that. lol

But seriously, it is a lot to digest. The story is told from your perspective but even considering that you seem to be the only one interested in working on the adult things in life/relationships and that has taken its toll over the years. Counseling is an option of you think he can change enough to make a difference. Only you can answer that really. If in your heart you know its over, or want it to be over, adding more months and more drama to prove it will not help anyone.

Good Luck


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## roseblssm6 (Mar 29, 2014)

Thanks. It is alot to take in. We definitely need counseling. We go Monday at 9am for our first session. Even more we need IC. 
It is alot to take in.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your husband is mess. You are codependent.

Divorce may be necessary. All that dope smoking. WTF.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Is he still 300 pounds? Is he still smoking pot frequently?

He sounds depressed and needs to see an individual counselor. Your relationship sounds very unhealthy. Personally, I'd skip the marriage counselor and start packing my bags.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Wow, sounds like you and your family have been through a lot. I feel for you. I agree with Longwalk in that you are likely codependent and so is your husband. Jumping from one relationship right into another is generally not a good idea.

I do think IC is a good idea. I were in your shoes or those of your husband I would like to think I would move on. I do not believe an unhealthy relationship is a good example for children to see. In that I too am contemplating ending my marriage, a marriage that likely should not have happened. 

Anyway all the best to you and the choices you make.


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## roseblssm6 (Mar 29, 2014)

No he's down to 220 again. He hasn't smoked in a month and said he has no desire to. 
I think we are both co dependent as well. 
We have our first counseling appointment on Monday. The counselor said it was an initial meeting so she can talk to us and see if this relationship seems like we can reconcile. I'm anxious to go and I hope to continue in IC.

I've had so many ups and downs with this stuff but today was a good day. One where I felt sure this is probably over. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

wow rose, that story was amazing. Manipulation is horrible and know the feeling. I don't know if I could go back after all that.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Update

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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