# Need advice on how deal with my wife's cheating.



## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

pardon my spelling I only have 8th grade education. I'm 42 (M) Wife 40 (F) we have been married 20 years we have two kids 18 (F) and a 12 (M) 2 weeks a go may wife told me she cheated on me with a coworker I just went numb I saw here lips moving but couldn't hear anything. I could no longer stand so I sat down on the floor. She tried to touch me I push her a way. I just stayed that way for a while. I got up packed my bags got in my truck and drove to a hotel. My wife keeps text me asking me if I'm ok and she wants me to come home and work thing's out. I tell her I fine but not ready to come home. My daughter keeps calling me I yelling at me how could I walk out on mom I tell it between her mom and me. I want to save my marriage. I hate my wife right now. I don't trust her. but deep down I still love her. And I missing my kids. Tomorrow I going back to work I took 2 weeks off. I want to go home but don't no if I can talk to her. I could use some advice.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

Oh, man. I feel for you there. You are in for a long ride.

There will be a lot of discovery…You will want to know everything. She will try to hide things, downplay things…likely lie about things. (My cheating husband didn’t lie, but he slowly let some details out and it all feels the same.)

Soul crushing.

Eat. Take Imodium for the diarrhea. Take Benadryl or nyquil to sleep. (Melatonin doesn’t help—it will wake you around 3 am and causes more diarrhea!!). As for the intrusive thoughts…when you keep imagining and thinking about what she did…try to use your senses to distract yourself. What can you smell? What do you hear? What do you see? Try to keep yourself in real time.

Talk to someone you trust, who loves you. You need support, comfort-hugs, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen.

I have lots of advice for you as I just went through ALL OF THIS.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RowdyFurious said:


> pardon my spelling I only have 8th grade education. I'm 42 (M) Wife 40 (F) we have been married 20 years we have two kids 18 (F) and a 12 (M) 2 weeks a go may wife told me she cheated on me with a coworker I just went numb I saw here lips moving but couldn't hear anything. I could no longer stand so I sat down on the floor. She tried to touch me I push her a way. I just stayed that way for a while. I got up packed my bags got in my truck and drove to a hotel. My wife keeps text me asking me if I'm ok and she wants me to come home and work thing's out. I tell her I fine but not ready to come home. My daughter keeps calling me I yelling at me how could I walk out on mom I tell it between her mom and me. I want to save my marriage. I hate my wife right now. I don't trust her. but deep down I still love her. And I missing my kids. Tomorrow I going back to work I took 2 weeks off. I want to go home but don't no if I can talk to her. I could use some advice.


Does your work insurance cover counseling and/or therapy?

My advice is to talk to a professional first, then start a conversation with your wife.

Do you know how long it went on? Was it a ons?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I have insurance It covers consoling. My family is in west Virginia. We moved to California. I think your right mybe I do need to see a consoler


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I don't now anything about what happened I went numb.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

If you go home, tell your wife that you are not ready to talk about her cheating and that you will let her know when you are ready. Do not have sex with her. You both should get tested for STDs. Was it a one time thing or an ongoing affair? If it was an affair, is it over? Why did she tell you? Can she arrange it so she doesn't see the coworker anymore? Can she find work somewhere else? If the coworker is married, tell his wife what happened. 
You will get great advice here, but more details will be required.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I have insurance It covers consoling. My family is in west Virginia. We moved to California. I think your right mybe I do need to see a consoler


You should definitely see a counselor.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Divorce her and find you a new woman.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RowdyFurious said:


> I don't now anything about what happened I went numb.


Yeah buddy, I can tell you're not in good shape.

Get some counseling sessions set up. You actually might be suffering from some kind of PTSD or her infidelity triggered something else.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

In the morning I set up appointment to see a consoler.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I going to call my daughter and son see if they will come and see me.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

RowdyFurious said:


> I going to call my daughter and son see if they will come and see me.


They seem to be old enough -- do NOT shield your wife's infidelity -- don't take the blame for why you left.
Don't go into any details, but you can certainly tell them that she cheated and that is why you left. YOU shouldn't be yelled at by your kids for leaving -- they are doing that because your W is controlling the narrative and did not tell them the truth.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I going to call my daughter and son see if they will come and see me.


That is a great idea, but you need to prepare yourself. If you don’t want the kids to know what is going on, they will believe that you are the bad guy here. It looks that way to them because you are the one who left. Also, you do not know what she has told the kids over the past 2 weeks and how much she has possibly gotten them on her side, preparing for the worst.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Where do you get test for STD's what are they?


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Go and see any Dr. Tell them what happened and ask for tests. STD sexually transmitted desease...


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Where do you get test for STD's what are they?


Go to your regular doctor or even an urgent care. They will test you for sexual diseases. You need to make sure you are okay.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

You shouldn't have left. She is the one who cheated so you should have asked her to leave. As for the kids, don't take blame for her actions. Tell them what she did.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Do you know who the co worker is ?

Why did she tell you. ?

How long has it been going on ?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I hope she hasn't done that with my kids that are every thing to me. My daughter will gargantuan this year high school first in family I saved enough for them both to go to college.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I definitely going see my doctor thanks for information.


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## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> pardon my spelling I only have 8th grade education. I'm 42 (M) Wife 40 (F) we have been married 20 years we have two kids 18 (F) and a 12 (M) 2 weeks a go may wife told me she cheated on me with a coworker I just went numb I saw here lips moving but couldn't hear anything. I could no longer stand so I sat down on the floor. She tried to touch me I push her a way. I just stayed that way for a while. I got up packed my bags got in my truck and drove to a hotel. My wife keeps text me asking me if I'm ok and she wants me to come home and work thing's out. I tell her I fine but not ready to come home. My daughter keeps calling me I yelling at me how could I walk out on mom I tell it between her mom and me. I want to save my marriage. I hate my wife right now. I don't trust her. but deep down I still love her. And I missing my kids. Tomorrow I going back to work I took 2 weeks off. I want to go home but don't no if I can talk to her. I could use some advice.


I would consider forgiveness first, because, although you may not see it now, you will when you let go of resentment, you will feel better. Remember, you don’t have to desire a spouse that may give you an STD, or a kiss with someone else’s DNA in her mouth, which is also why you don’t have to trust them anymore after forgiving them, because you already know their not trustworthy. The poor child will eventually learn that the betrayed spouse is not the bad guy or evil one. Yes she may say you haven’t forgiven her if you don’t play the sucker, but, that’s typical of cheating spouses. Kinda like a spouse who would say, “ I cheated, now my spouse won’t work on the marriage”. Hey, we can work on the marriage after I cheat too, promise.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

How was the condition of your marriage prior to her cheating? How was your sex like? What was her reason for breaking her vows to you?

Sir, if you decide to reconcile, you are in for a tough row to hoe. Why is she worthy of reconciliation? She may not be.

we need more info in order to give you advice .


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Really sorry this has happened to you.

I want to say to keep your distance for now. You need space to come to terms with everything and start thinking more clearly. But, if you divorce, there are possible legal problems if you left the home. It might pay you to see a lawyer just to be sure.

I have a couple of questions about this that will help TAM understand her a little better.

-How did it happen that she told you? (Did you find out, or did she confess out of the blue, or was it something else?)

-What shape is she in now emotionally? (Is she texting you like crazy, is she freaking out thinking you will divorce her, or is she more ‘normal’ and carrying on with her life waiting for you to decide to come home?). Any of those fit?

Get some counseling to help you cope. If you have a family member you trust then you might lean on them too. Don’t try to do this alone, and keep coming on TAM, you’ll find great support and advice here.

I hope the best for you.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

@RowdyFurious Sorry this happened. "Good news" is that you're going through the initial shock. It gets better from here. Disappointment and anger will take over. DO NOT let the anger lead your actions. Instead, act methodically and in a manner your kids would be proud of. As to what to do, I think others here have given you plenty of excellent information as to what to do.

This is not your fault.

On a side note, and for learning purposes, could you please elaborate a little more on the circumstances behind the infidelity?

Good luck.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> pardon my spelling I only have 8th grade education. I'm 42 (M) Wife 40 (F) we have been married 20 years we have two kids 18 (F) and a 12 (M) 2 weeks a go may wife told me she cheated on me with a coworker I just went numb I saw here lips moving but couldn't hear anything. I could no longer stand so I sat down on the floor. She tried to touch me I push her a way. I just stayed that way for a while. I got up packed my bags got in my truck and drove to a hotel. My wife keeps text me asking me if I'm ok and she wants me to come home and work thing's out. I tell her I fine but not ready to come home. My daughter keeps calling me I yelling at me how could I walk out on mom I tell it between her mom and me. I want to save my marriage. I hate my wife right now. I don't trust her. but deep down I still love her. And I missing my kids. Tomorrow I going back to work I took 2 weeks off. I want to go home but don't no if I can talk to her. I could use some advice.


Divorce.
Leave.

There's nothing to save.

She's not going to stop.

You'll never trust her again(if you ever did)


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Take that hall pass you earned, use it, tell her about it, then see how much she really wants to "work" on the marriage.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> Take that hall pass you earned, use it, tell her about it, then see how much she really wants to "work" on the marriage.


I like that.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Why did your wife confess to cheating on you? Typically the motivation is not guilt, but damage control. That someone else knows about her affair and you will hear about it. Her confessing first allows her to attempt to deny or likely in this case, minimize what she has done, that it was only once, she didn't mean for it to happen and all the other BS you can think of. You didn't give her much chance to say anything with your departure. That's not a bad thing.

It would be best if you told your children what mom has done. Not all the details but that she has betrayed you and the family. You do not want to give her the opportunity to turn the kids against you. Or anyone else for that matter. Close friends and family should be made aware of what she has done so she cannot turn these people against you.

Trust is easy to destroy and impossible to repair in such a situation.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Since you are in California, I'd modify my tact,
I'd tell her that you are willing to move back and attempt to work things out, on the condition that you move back to WV for a fresh start.
If you are lucky enough to get her to do it, go for it.
Then, once you get back to WV, do enough performative action to convince that you gave it your best try, and meet residency requirements, file for divorce.
You will get royally ripped divorcing in California.
BTW: Fully disclose their Mother's treachery to your kids.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@*RowdyFurious @RowdyFurious *

Mate, sorry to hear about what you are going through, from your post I gathered
1- you are a good Dad and Husband and worked hard to build a future for your family

I'm sorry you are going through this, I would like you to take a moment and think - you had worked hard for your wife and kids to build a safe future, put a roof above their head, and while taking away from your time and health. then your wife goes behind your back and let someone else stick in her while you are outside working hard or in the house helping your kids. 

Believe me when I say, this is not a one time thing your wife had, I'm sure she had slept with him several times. and most likely she confessed because the other guy has a girlfriend or wife that found out and is looking for you to let you know about your wife. everyone at work found out and they are investigating your wife and she is about to get fired. 

she didnt confess because she is guilty or she loves or she has respect for you. 

you were raised and built your entire life to be strong for when things get hard, this is a situation when you need to stand up and be hard and think smart. 

I'm against reconciliation or forgiveness when someone cheats - 

- Separate your bank accounts

Speak to an attorney
proceed with the divorce and have paper ready to serve
give her one chance to confess - how many times, where they had done it, why she did with him what she didnt with you, she needs to give you all their text messages and emails, were their nudes were sent, were their videos recorded, and why did she do it, who is the guy (name), find out who is his wife or girlfriend and talk to her.​
if you feel after you get all the information above that you would like possibly to proceed to fix the marriage then maybe at least find you another woman to sleep with so you are both on equal terms now. not fair after all that many years and working hard she gets to fork someone and you stay with the same unload woman and never had your share of fun. I would actually find multiple people to sleep with. feel better about yourself then decide if you want to proceed forward fixing the marriage under your terms.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blackclover3 said:


> I like that.


I don't. Been there, done that. My stupid, revenge affair actually made me feel much worse than my wife's cheating, so @RowdyFurious take my advice and don't do it.

I would suggest couple's counselling and individual counselling for you and your wife.

Also, check out a few good divorce lawyers for background information.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I went to work. Man that was rough. But at lest I got to talk to guys at the shop. I got a appoint to go to urgent car at Walgreens to get a STD test. I pray to good she hasn't given me something.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RowdyFurious said:


> I went to work. Man that was rough. But at lest I got to talk to guys at the shop. I got a appoint to go to urgent car at Walgreens to get a STD test. I pray to good she hasn't given me something.


I hope not, too, @RowdyFurious.

We will always be here for you.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

We just have a joint checking account and credit card. My savings is my name only. And I have a 401k and a college savings plan for my kids at work.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Woundidwife said:


> Oh, man. I feel for you there. You are in for a long ride.
> 
> There will be a lot of discovery…You will want to know everything. She will try to hide things, downplay things…likely lie about things. (My cheating husband didn’t lie, but he slowly let some details out and it all feels the same.)
> 
> ...


This is fantastic advice!!


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

You got this!! Don't force yourself in to thinking about whether you should divorce her or stick around yet. It's too early and that's not fair to yourself. Yes, your kids are old enough for you to be honest with them for as to why you left. Especially if they are calling you and telling you that you're mean for leaving. But really, it's not your place - it's hers. You're in my prayers!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

RowdyFurious said:


> but deep down I still love her


You may love her, but loving her is not the problem, and it has nothing to do with the situation. She, cheating on you is the problem. You are in the middle of the shock of your life, but somehow you need to start not letting emotions rule and dictate how you react. Time to if not calmly, coldly to start responding to the situation in a way that is advantageous to what you ultimately want to do.

You should have the forethought to realize that your children need to know the truth. This is a must for you, no buts about it. Do tell them the truth. 
You need to be able to understand where you stand legally. If you ultimately determined that the marriage is over, a lawyer is another "must'.
Also you need to understand that you might eventually forgive. but you are never to forget. Trust is gone, and it will always be in the back of your head in the eventuality that you reconcile. 
Also, you need to understand that very few couples reconcile successfully. Mostly, is years of trying, and then, just given up, because in the end, the betrayed can't deal with it. Wasted years of your life at the end. So, you need to consider this very carefully. 

Honestly, I know for sure that if my wife were to cheat for me, it would be a game over immediately, since after knowing that another dude put his **** inside her, I wouldn't never be able to touch her again. But I'm not you, you do what you need and want to do for yourself.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

I l


RowdyFurious said:


> pardon my spelling I only have 8th grade education. I'm 42 (M) Wife 40 (F) we have been married 20 years we have two kids 18 (F) and a 12 (M) 2 weeks a go may wife told me she cheated on me with a coworker I just went numb I saw here lips moving but couldn't hear anything. I could no longer stand so I sat down on the floor. She tried to touch me I push her a way. I just stayed that way for a while. I got up packed my bags got in my truck and drove to a hotel. My wife keeps text me asking me if I'm ok and she wants me to come home and work thing's out. I tell her I fine but not ready to come home. My daughter keeps calling me I yelling at me how could I walk out on mom I tell it between her mom and me. I want to save my marriage. I hate my wife right now. I don't trust her. but deep down I still love her. And I missing my kids. Tomorrow I going back to work I took 2 weeks off. I want to go home but don't no if I can talk to her. I could use some advice.


1. You have to decide if you want to reconcile or not. That's the first step. If you do want to reconcile with her, it's accepted in the counselling communities that it might take up to five years to re-build a relationship to what it was before there was infidelity.
2. A qualified marriage counselor, that specializes in infidelity is probably going to be a must if you are going to get at the heart of why your wife decided to have an affair. Try to avoid the ones that blame that man as a default.
3. If you think she is being untruthful with you, you may have to resort to a polygraph.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> My stupid, revenge affair actually made me feel much worse than my wife's cheating, so @RowdyFurious take my advice and don't do it.


This exactly, Other folks have posted the fact that a revenge affair just complicates. OP, you have more than enough on your plate without adding more drama and another person to the mix.

Some support from friends IRL. Call your family in WV daily and have talks with them.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I'm not going to cheat two. I would never do that.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I'm not going to cheat two. I would never do that.


Bravo. Good call!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You are not at a point where you should even be considering forgiveness. Your wife would have to earn that and most cheaters never put in the effort.

You probably should be at home and asking her to leave. It doesn't look good to leave your kids.

You need to get someone to help you file (I think you would need to file in W. Virginia)... You can always stop the process if you decided to, but your wife needs consequences for her actions. Your marriage will never be the same after this.

Sorry this happened....


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

re16 said:


> You are not at a point where you should even be considering forgiveness. Your wife would have to earn that and most cheaters never put in the effort.
> 
> You probably should be at home and asking her to leave. It doesn't look good to leave your kids.
> 
> ...


Op if there is any way you can establish residence un WV and file there, you will be much better off than doing so in CA.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You should go back to the home. If anyone leaves it should be her. You could be accused of abandonment. Have her sleep in a spare room or on the couch.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I think your right I need to go home. I'm going to text her tell her not to talk to me leave me alone. And she is on the couch.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I think your right I need to go home. I'm going to text her tell her not to talk to me leave me alone. And she is on the couch.


Keep in mind that how you handle it is what you are teaching your daughter about how a man should handle it. If you give in to the wife, you will be teaching your daughter that men should be expected to roll over when a woman is unfaithful.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Also, your wife should be the one explaining why she's on the couch. Defer your kids' questions to their mom. Have her explain it in front of you. They are mad at you because you left the house with no explanation and their mom is probably worried and upset (about what she did and your reaction, which is coming off as general worry).


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

My buddy told me to see a lawyer. And i'm going to. He is helping find one.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I texted her. See told me she will do anything I need. Its her fault. This is going to be hard when I see her. All I see is her getting ****ed.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I texted her. See told me she will do anything I need. Its her fault. This is going to be hard when I see her. All I see is her getting ****ed.


Her first task is to tell the kids, in front of you. 
Let's see how good is her word to want to repair this.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> See told me she will do anything I need. Its her fault. This is going to be hard when I see her. All I see is her getting ****ed.


Her actions are all that matter. Her words are just noise. Yes the mind movies will be with you for some time to come. Nothing to be done with those except IC, which you said you were planning. Your buddy helping you retain an attorney is great. But have you been in CA too long to claim residence in WV? Can you move back to WV? Another thing she can do for you is agree to moving back there. 

The CA “justice” system is just brutal. It takes forever and costs tons of money. Anything you can do to avoid it will be yo your advsntage.

So since she says she will do anything, have her confess to the kids in your presence what she did that caused you to leave for two weeks. Have her write out the confession to them, read it to them, and give the paper to you.

Oh, and print out that text and save for future reference. Any other written communication too.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> I think your right I need to go home. I'm going to text her tell her not to talk to me leave me alone. And she is on the couch.


And don't forget to mention that you will be late since you have to stop at Walgreen's on the way home to get checked for the clap, thanks to her.
Thoughtfulness matters.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> I don't. Been there, done that. My stupid, revenge affair actually made me feel much worse than my wife's cheating, so @RowdyFurious take my advice and don't do it.
> 
> I would suggest couple's counselling and individual counselling for you and your wife.
> 
> Also, check out a few good divorce lawyers for background information.


It may not have worked for you, but it worked for me. There is something truly fulfilling about achieving balance and "evening" things out, so I respectfully disagree with marriage counseling.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think it would be good for her to lay out everything that happened again. You don't remember anything really, whether this was a one time thing, a long affair, or what.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> I texted her. See told me she will do anything I need. Its her fault. This is going to be hard when I see her. All I see is her getting ****ed.


If you are serious about staying with her, at a minimum you need a good initial consult with an attorney in Ca.
If you become serious about divorce, you need to seriously consider moving back to WV under the scenario that I previously suggested in the thread. It would save you a boatload of money in the long run.
I might suggest a couple of books for you to read. You will notice that one of them is just for you, the other is for both of you.
The one for her should be used as a template for her to clean up her mess:









Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy : Robert Glover : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


Self Help



archive.org













How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair


As an infidelity specialist for 23 years, therapist Linda J. MacDonald has identified behaviors and attitudes that determine unfaithful p...



www.goodreads.com


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I don't. Been there, done that. My stupid, revenge affair actually made me feel much worse than my wife's cheating, so @RowdyFurious take my advice and don't do it.
> 
> I would suggest couple's counselling and individual counselling for you and your wife.
> 
> Also, check out a few good divorce lawyers for background information.


Aye!

When you do that revenge affair, another dear soul gets mucked in the mix.

You would betray another woman's trust, for such this, your revenge.

And this, all due to your wife's initial betrayal of trust.

It would further the pain, now already made real.


_King Brian-_


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I texted her. See told me she will do anything I need. Its her fault. This is going to be hard when I see her. All I see is her getting ****ed.


Hopefully the counselor can help you with these mind movies.
You should consult with a divorce lawyer so you know what might be ahead. 
This will be one of the biggest decisions of your life. Give yourself lots of time to make that decision. There is no rush. For the time being, do not threaten divorce or promise reconciliation. You want to make that kind of decision when you are thinking clearly and your emotions are more stable.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Swing and attorney us the best thing you can do. You need to divorce her. But most importantly, whether you divorce or not, she needs to be presented with divorce papers.
Doing so shows you are not a doormat and shows her what consequences look like.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Swing and attorney us the best thing you can do. You need to divorce her. But most importantly, whether you divorce or not, she needs to be presented with divorce papers.
> Doing so shows you are not a doormat and shows her what consequences look like.


Hey Ev, dont'cha hate spellcheck!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Hey Ev, dont'cha hate spellcheck!


Heck, I’m on my phone and it puts all kinds of bizarre crap on there.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Heck, I’m on my phone and it puts all kinds of bizarre crap on there.


Big fingers. Tiny virtual buttons.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I texted her. See told me she will do anything I need. Its her fault. This is going to be hard when I see her. All I see is her getting ****ed.


Jeezy, I'm so sorry for this happening to you and your family! What you said at the end of your post is true for men or women who are cheated on. Its the mind movies that won't stop. Its horrid! You must find a way to clear this from your mind, whatever it takes. It will drive you crazy with pain! Talk with your dr, let them know what has happened and they will most likely work with you by prescribing some time of mild anxiety meds to be calmer. All my prayers to you and your family!


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I just got to Walgreens wish me look.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I just got to Walgreens wish me look.


Good luck!



Rus47 said:


> Her actions are all that matter. Her words are just noise


Re-quoting this for truth.
Your wife lies. Watch her actions and don't believe the words!


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## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Op if there is any way you can establish residence un WV and file there, you will be much better off than doing so in CA.





re16 said:


> You are not at a point where you should even be considering forgiveness. Your wife would have to earn that and most cheaters never put in the effort.
> 
> You probably should be at home and asking her to leave. It doesn't look good to leave your kids.
> 
> ...


he can consider forgiveness whenever he wants, I wouldn’t wait on her to ask, that may mean he never forgives, and he’ll be much happier when he can let go of resentment. Maybe your thinking forgiveness means being stupid, or wanting to stay married, but it doesn’t. Forgiveness is for him, he doesn’t have to desire a spouse who could give him diseases, which also why he doesn’t have to trust her anymore. Forgiving let’s go of resentment or wanting to get even. Not doing away with the consequences of the actions. God can forgive me of cheating, but if I get AIDS, that’s a consequence that forgiveness doesn’t make go away.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You tell HER to move out! You get yourself back home.

She cheated = she is the one who should be put out!

Stop making it so easy for her to treat you terribly.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

RowdyFurious said:


> I think your right I need to go home. I'm going to text her tell her not to talk to me leave me alone. And she is on the couch.


She should be asked to vacate your home. You move back in. You did not cheat, she did. She needs consequences for her actions.

Right now you should not commit to D, nor should you commit to R. Your emotions are all over the place right now if you are like I was seven years ago. Please keep in mind you are in a temporary place. This too shall pass.

You do, as others have posted, need to see a lawyer to know your rights in this situation. Get yourself into counseling, take care of yourself and make sure you eat right, stay hydrated, and consider hitting the gym as exercise helps deal with the mental aspects of her betrayal.

Do not lower yourself to her standards by having a revenge affair. I had the opportunity but I could not do that.

Tell her to contact you only by text and then only about your children.

As I have advised others..left foot, right foot, breathe, repeat.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

RowdyFurious said:


> I just got to Walgreens wish me look.


Good Luck, friend.
Be sure that she has been tested too.
At some point she may come on strong sexually.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I texted her. See told me she will do anything I need. Its her fault.


When you can talk calmly to her, you need to ask her if she's seen the guy she cheated on you with since she told you about cheating, which is likely if they work together, and to explain their interactions if she has. You then need to demand that she cut off all contact with him, even if it means she needs to find a new job and quit immediately (you will both need to decide if you can afford that). That may be hard for her but it will help you figure out if she's really willing to do "anything" that you need. If she won't do that, then she won't do "anything". She also needs to tell you how long the affair was going on, how many times it got physical, if it's completely over, and why she told you. Did she tell you because she was guilty or did she tell you because someone else was going to tell you?

If your children are angry at you, you should probably also have her explain to them that she did something bad that made you angry with her and that it's her fault that you left. She doesn't have to go into details with them now and you can both decide later if you ever do tell them more. That will also let you know if she's willing to do "anything" and if she really believes that it's her fault.

Tell her that if you find out later that she's lying about anything, that you will divorce her. Most cheaters try to hide details and minimize what they've done and how often to protect themselves and/or the feelings of their partners. Finding out more later will only hurt you again and make it harder for you to ever trust her again. You need to make her understand that she needs to be fully honest with you about everything going forward, no matter how bad it makes her look, how much it hurts her, or how much she thinks it hurts you.

You need to know the truth and she needs to answer whatever questions you ask her truthfully from now on. No hiding anything. She should also give you the passcode to her phone and ask her to give it to you and let you look at it for messages and emails. Ask her if she's deleted anything and to tell you what she's deleted. In some cases, deleted information can be recovered if you feel you need to do that.



RowdyFurious said:


> This is going to be hard when I see her. All I see is her getting ****ed.


You are probably going to get advice to have her write out a timeline of her relationship with the person she cheated with and what she's done with him in detail. It's probably a good idea to have her do that because it can help cheating partners realize and understand what they've done and where they went wrong. It gives them a chance to look at everything they've done on paper. She should do this while everything is fresh in her mind.

You will then need to decide if you want to read it and hear the details. That is up to you. No rush.

For some people, it seems to help with the "mind movies" (what you are seeing in your brain) and recovery because it might limit your imagination to only what she actually did. On the other hand, what she actually did might be worse than you are imagining and it could make things worse. She may have done things with him that she's never done with you. There are spouses that regret getting the details because they make things worse. I've read a story where the spouse burned the details without reading them once he was satisfied the wife was remorseful. You'll need to decide if you want to know the details from her or not. Just remember that once you know the details, you won't be able to undo that and not know them. That also means you may want to stop her if she tries to tell you more detail than you want to know.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I got home I asked her way she is not at work she told me she quit right after. I asked her what is his name she told me David I'm not going to put his last name. I asked if he is married. She told me yes. I asked her if she know. She said no.
I told her we will be finding her and telling her tomorrow when I get home from work. She agreed. What is the best way to tell his wife?


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Good question.....Why did she tell you ?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

She said she felt guilty. She couldn't live with it.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

Well sir, there just ain't no way to do this thats gonna be pleasant. Introduce yourself first and explain that you and the wife, if shes with ya, that ya need to please talk with her privately about a situation. Please be kind if she's a bit leary of ya, but carefully let her know its very personal and can't wait. Then sit and just as politely as ya can, tell her the truth. There ain't no telling how she's gonna react, but it sure in hell ain't gonna be happy. She will ask if you're sure and all, so let her know that's why your wife is there. Your wife needs to answer any of her questions honestly and respectfully. Ensure that the AP's wife doesn't assault you wife, but she does have right to address her and show her anger and hurt about it,, so allow her the chance to do so. Ensure that you exchange phone numbers so you can both get ahold of each other with questions, answers and support as needed.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

❤ Wishing you strength here!

Do not assume that everything she says is the truth. She may have been fired or maybe someone at work found out and was going to tell you.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

She been going to a consoler. She told her not to tell me. But she felt guilty and had to tell me.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

2 things to think about with telling his wife.

If your wife is standing there at the time, there could be violence. Who knows how she will take it.

You need proof. If you don’t have proof to show the betrayed wife then your wife will have to confess to her.

So you might need a combination of talking in person to her, while having your wife nearby, or on the phone.

Be gentle… the betrayed wife is learning the same thing as you did. Remember that. Spare her any details that she doesn’t want to know. Appreciate what she willl go through.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

My wife is definitely coming with me.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> She been going to a consoler. She told her not to tell me. But she felt guilty and had to tell me.


That’s a good sign. Doesn’t mean much right now, but it’s the best case scenario.

Fire that counselor.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I got home I asked her way she is not at work she told me she quit right after. I asked her what is his name she told me David I'm not going to put his last name. I asked if he is married. She told me yes. I asked her if she know. She said no.
> I told her we will be finding her and telling her tomorrow when I get home from work. She agreed. What is the best way to tell his wife?


For whatever it's worth, your wife sounds like she's trying to do the right thing after doing the wrong thing and realizing what she's done.

Do you have an address or phone number? Talking by phone is probably the safest choice. You probably don't want to talk to her if her husband is around.

Note that his wife may not believe you or may not want to believe you. If he anticipated your wife calling or visiting his wife, he may have already told her lies about your wife, that she's a crazy woman who was stalking him at work and wouldn't leave him alone so she can't be trusted, for example. Don't assume she'll believe your wife.

It may help if you make the call from your phone to start the conversation and tell the other man's wife that your wife confessed to you that she cheated with her husband and that your wife is willing to talk to her directly if she wants more information, to ask questions, or tell your wife how she feels about her (she may be very angry at your wife and start yelling at her). If she tries to disbelieve what you tell her, you should be able to honestly tell her that you wish it wasn't true, yourself. You can also decide if you want to offer to meet face-to-face and arrange that. 

His wife may not want to believe you no matter what you tell her or she might just listen to what you tell her and say that she wants you to drop it and not talk about it again. It's hard to predict how she'll react.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I got home I asked her way she is not at work she told me she quit right after. I asked her what is his name she told me David I'm not going to put his last name. I asked if he is married. She told me yes. I asked her if she know. She said no.


This also is best case scenario. Quitting her job right away, not withholding any info from you. Those are good signs. It’s too early to know anything but this could be way worse for you right now. (hard to believe, I know!)


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> She been going to a consoler. She told her not to tell me. But she felt guilty and had to tell me.


So how long did it go on and how many times did she cheat? How long did she wait until she told you? Did she tell you that?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

MegaTbone said:


> Well sir, there just ain't no way to do this thats gonna be pleasant. Introduce yourself first and explain that you and the wife, if shes with ya, that ya need to please talk with her privately about a situation. Please be kind if she's a bit leary of ya, but carefully let her know its very personal and can't wait. Then sit and just as politely as ya can, tell her the truth. There ain't no telling how she's gonna react, but it sure in hell ain't gonna be happy. She will ask if you're sure and all, so let her know that's why your wife is there. Your wife needs to answer any of her questions honestly and respectfully. Ensure that the AP's wife doesn't assault you wife, but she does have right to address her and show her anger and hurt about it,, so allow her the chance to do so. Ensure that you exchange phone numbers so you can both get ahold of each other with questions, answers and support as needed.


Just don't give the wife any advance notice of this so she can call superschlong and tip him off.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> My wife is definitely coming with me.


Thats a very positive sign.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> His wife may not want to believe you no matter what you tell her or she might just listen to what you tell her and say that she wants you to drop it and not talk about it again. It's hard to predict how she'll react.


This is important, the wife may not listen or believe you.

Don’t force it. If she doesn’t believe you and/or your wife, move on. You’ve done your duty. It’s on her to process the info or not.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> She been going to a consoler. She told her not to tell me. But she felt guilty and had to tell me.


Good sign that your wife feels remorse.
It's also a good sign that your wife's counselor is a bigger quack than Daffy Duck.
Do some searching for a better one.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I removed my comment. It was off topic and I don’t want to call attention to bad behavior.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Well, your wife is doing all the right things. She admitted it, she went to a counselor, she quit her job (I assume he's a coworker), and she's willing to tell his wife.

In order for you to make a decision, you have to find out everything that happened, how many times it happened, how long it was going on, etc. Only then will you have all the information you need to figure out what you want to do.

Also find out if her sex was unprotected.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Well, your wife is doing all the right things. She admitted it, she went to a counselor, she quit her job (I assume he's a coworker), and she's willing to tell his wife.
> 
> In order for you to make a decision, you have to find out everything that happened, how many times it happened, how long it was going on, etc. Only then will you have all the information you need to figure out what you want to do.
> 
> Also find out if her sex was unprotected.


If @RowdyFurious wants the details, yes. However, I wanted no details. At all.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think he's not sure if he is going to forgive/stay. In your case Matt, I think you were staying regardless, IIRC.

He needs to know what he's forgiving.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

It happened one time. She was drunk.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

was unprotected


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RowdyFurious said:


> I hope she hasn't done that with my kids that are every thing to me. My daughter will gargantuan this year high school first in family I saved enough for them both to go to college.


This is adult business and I think he told them the right thing by just telling him it's adult business and for them not to worry about it.. I do not think you should tell them the wife cheated. The 18-year-old may be old enough to hear it but if you tell her the 12 year olds going to know when she definitely is not. You can tell them that the wife did something that started this and that it wasn't you but not go into detail.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

It was 1 month a ago after a company party.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

she was with me afterwards I'm filling for divorce


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> It happened one time. She was drunk.


Oh man. 

Yep. My husband did something stupid one time too. He was also drunk. 

It took me a minute, but I knew in my heart I couldn’t live with someone who could EVER do that to me—no matter what the reason, no matter how many times, no matter who it was. (And he still doesn’t know who she was! 😡). For me, cheating is UNFORGIVABLE.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am going to take a contrarian view. If what she said is true then you may wish to think about recovery. It was one time and she confessed it to you. She took full responsibility and is willing to do anything to work on recovery. You have a family with children. I just suggest that you give it some time and think about the consequences that will occur to you and your family. 
You are justified but your situation is so better than most betrayed husbands.

I wish you luck.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> she was with me afterwards I'm filling for divorce


Good for you! 

When you know it won’t work, YOU KNOW.

Do what YOU know you want. Give yourself a minute to think, but your judgement may be clouded at the moment. You don’t have to commit to anything right now. Not staying or divorce.

I only wish I hadn’t wasted any time trying to save our marriage for his sake.

My husband was also guilty, confessed himself, and is now doing all the right things, but I don’t want him anymore.

He won’t even yell, swear at me, or call me names like he did for our entire 27 year marriage. That is nice. He will make an excellent partner for his next woman.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> she was with me afterwards I'm filling for divorce


You need to do what is right for you.
However, take some additional time and get yourself together.
Less than 24 hours ago when you posted, you wanted to save your marriage.
You are going to go back and forth.
Factor that into your actions.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> It was 1 month a ago after a company party.


If he got her drunk and took advantage of the situation, your wife should also report him to the company's HR department. They might not approve of what happened if it happened as the result of a company event. They might not approve of what your wife did, either, but she already quit.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> It was 1 month a ago after a company party.


Were you not invited to attend?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> she was with me afterwards I'm filling for divorce


Only you know what you can take and what you can't.
From my perspective, this is the right thing at this moment.

Divorce takes a while. At this moment in time, go see a lawyer and file for divorce.

There might come a day to consider if you're committed to this path but that's not today.

Put distance between you and her. No contact except for important child topics. Make sure you consult with a lawyer before you leave your house! She can leave, but you stay.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> If he got her drunk and took advantage of the situation, your wife should also report him to the company's HR department. They might not approve of what happened.


As forthcoming as she has been, it certainly wasn't planned.
Is she sure that he might not have slipped her something?
You may want to check the details of how this all went down.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> she was with me afterwards I'm filling for divorce


I'm curious (as are others) why the change? You initially wanted to save your marriage.

If I was a guessing man I'd say your first statement about saving the marriage was while you were still in shock and disbelief. Seeing her again and hearing the full story brought reality into focus.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I was invited but I had to work.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> As forthcoming as she has been, it certainly wasn't planned.
> Is she sure that he might not have slipped her something?
> You may want to check the details of how this all went down.


I don't want to turn this into yet another debate about what is or isn't consent or sexual assault, but if the wife was impaired and the man she was with deliberately got her into that state to take advantage of her, that may be worth considering as a mitigating factor. How drunk was she? How clearly does she remember it? Did she give him approval or ever tell him to stop? All questions that might be worth asking if she hasn't already told him.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

RowdyFurious said:


> I got home I asked her way she is not at work she told me she quit right after. I asked her what is his name she told me David I'm not going to put his last name. I asked if he is married. She told me yes. I asked her if she know. She said no.
> I told her we will be finding her and telling her tomorrow when I get home from work. She agreed. What is the best way to tell his wife?


Just go up knock on the door is what I did. I thought a phone call was insufficient


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

She was with him then me with out telling me. she didn't give me a choice


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> She was with him then me with out telling me. she didn't give me a choice


I'm sorry for that image in your head that won't go away. Been there done that.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> She was with him then me with out telling me. she didn't give me a choice


Yeah, that is so disgusting. My advice: you may feel weak at some point in the future. Fight it and stay the strong. Push forward and get yourself out of this situation. Don't let her trick you into coming back.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I was invited but I had to work.


That also points to your wife not intending for this to happen.

Do you know how much your wife drank? Did she say if her judgement was impaired? Why did she do that when you weren't there? Was she encouraged to drink by others or did she decide to drink?

Also, while it seems very likely that this wouldn't have happened if you had gone, do not blame yourself for what happened. You had no way reasonable of knowing that would happen. I suspect your wife wouldn't have gone if she knew then what she knows now, too.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> She was with him then me with out telling me. she didn't give me a choice



Just to be devil's advocate if she'd felt violated in any way, being with you kinda makes sense. It'd help remove the "ick" a little. Not saying it's true, but keep in mind, it may be an option.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RowdyFurious said:


> She been going to a consoler. She told her not to tell me. But she felt guilty and had to tell me.


That counselor should be history. Damn


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> She was with him then me with out telling me. she didn't give me a choice


I agree that was terrible and what she did was wrong. And some husbands are never able to get over the feelings of disgust that they have over what their wives have done, even when they want to stay with them and reconcile.

That said, I'm going to recommend that you read another recent thread here that was written by a woman who cheated on her husband while drunk and on drugs and without intent from the cheater's perspective. She also had unprotected sex when she cheated. She also had sex with her husband afterward. She didn't do it maliciously. She also confessed on her own and wanted to save her marriage. It's not exactly like your story (that woman can't remember what happened at all and several people believe she may have been sexually assaulted), but if you still have any desire to save your marriage, that story might be worth reading to see this from other side but at a little distance, because it's someone else's life and marriage. Link is here:









I made a huge mistake and really need advice


This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Note that author @Kgs-95 hasn't returned with an update for her story since not long after telling her husband, so it's unknown whether he's decided to stay with her or not. At the very least, that story may help you with feeling like you aren't alone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There was a member here who was sent, by his wife's affair partner, a video of him having sex with his wife. So he didn't see a mind movie, he saw a real movie.

He told us that what helped him get beyond this was Neurolinguistic Programming.

However, he divorced her, the NLP therapy was for him as an individual.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> Just to be devil's advocate if she'd felt violated in any way, being with you kinda makes sense. It'd help remove the "ick" a little. Not saying it's true, but keep in mind, it may be an option.


Yes, she may have been trying to erase and forget what she did with the other guy in her mind. Selfish and a bad choice? Yes. But she may not have been thinking clearly about what she was doing and went to therapy herself because of it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just being honest here. Normally I’m for straight divorce. I’d still file . For sure.

But after learning more, if you were to choose to try to reconcile, I think you have a workable situation. Your wife seems remorseful. She’s doing akl tye tight stuff. But the counselor may be coaching her. I’m sorry she did this to you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I'm hearing a theme of minimizing and blameshifting on behalf of this cheating spouse.

I'm not on that bandwagon. File for divorce OP. You can consider extenuating circumstances once the smoke clears.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I don't want to turn this into yet another debate about what is or isn't consent or sexual assault, but if the wife was impaired and the man she was with deliberately got her into that state to take advantage of her, that may be worth considering as a mitigating factor. How drunk was she? How clearly does she remember it? Did she give him approval or ever tell him to stop? All questions that might be worth asking if she hasn't already told him.


I don't want to go there either.
However it doesn't make sense that she wanted (and invited) her husband to attend, then she gets "Drunk" and has sex with someone else.
How much did she have to drink? Does OP know someone that was at the party that could verify their dynamics that evening? What is this guy's rep around the office?
Something doesn't smell well about how this went down.
In all fairness, it merits a look.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Not so fast with the possible reconciliation suggestions. She quit right away and told you after her counsellor told her not to because she “felt guilty” .

It is possible she was fired. It is possible others knew, and she figured her best shot at not ruining her marriage was to play it the way she played it. You don’t know the truth yet. You may never find out. Proceed with your plan to divorce, and see what new information comes in.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Rowdy, cheaters lie. They lie a lot. So do NOT assume that she has told you the whole truth, or even something approximating the truth. Maybe she did, but I doubt it.

Tell her you don't believe that she has told you everything. And that she will sit down with a pad of paper, and write out ever single interaction she has had with "David" from work. It should include the night of the holiday party, any flirting that went on before that, any texting, sexting, pictures sent, etc. She should describe any texting or communication afterwards.

She also needs to write down any other sexual activities with this guy, or any other guy during your marriage. Again, she has one chance, and if you find out more after the fact you go straight to divorce. Tell her you plan on verifying what she writes down with a polygraph. 

Do all of this before you go see the OBS. You want to get as many details out of her before you really blow up her world.

Next, tell her to hit the bricks and find a job. She isn't going to sit around feeling sorry for herself and live off your dime. Be careful about how you approach the OBS, make sure your wife's AP is at work when you do it. You do not want to get into a physical altercation with him. Good luck.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

It may be beneficial to you if she has a job…


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I'm hearing a theme of minimizing and blameshifting on behalf of this cheating spouse.
> 
> I'm not on that bandwagon. File for divorce OP. You can consider extenuating circumstances once the smoke clears.


That's not necessarily bad advice, either. Divorce proceedings can be stopped and a divorced couple can remarry if hearts and minds change over time.

As for blame-shifting, I don't think the wife should be fully absolved from blame and clearly made some bad choices. She didn't safeguard her marriage. But I've read enough one-time and then instant regret stories like this that happen while a woman is intoxicated to know that there are men who deliberately set these situations up, often successfully with many different women over years, and it works again and again.

Are they all just weak awful cheaters with adultery in their hearts who would have cheated anyway? You could look at it that way. You could also look at it as predatory men taking advantage of weaknesses, personality flaws, and intoxication that encourage poor judgements leading to sex that's often immediately regretted and none of it would have happened if nobody else had taken advantage of the situation. I don't think this would have happened if @RowdyFurious was there. I don't think this would have happened if his wife hadn't been drinking. And I think it's a shame that people would have criticized them both for either measure as an unreasonable overreaction before this happened. I don't think she intended to cheat. I do think that can all matter with respect to forgiveness and identifying what her offenses are.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RowdyFurious said:


> She been going to a consoler. She told her not to tell me. But she felt guilty and had to tell me.


Crap counselor. She needs to fire the counselor immediately.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

manwithnoname said:


> It is possible she was fired. It is possible others knew, and she figured her best shot at not ruining her marriage was to play it the way she played it. You don’t know the truth yet. You may never find out. Proceed with your plan to divorce, and see what new information comes in.





Exit37 said:


> Rowdy, cheaters lie. They lie a lot. So do NOT assume that she has told you the whole truth, or even something approximating the truth. Maybe she did, but I doubt it.
> 
> [...]
> 
> Tell her you plan on verifying what she writes down with a polygraph.


All of this is reasonable.

ADDED: I do, however, think that since she invited @RowdyFurious to the party, it's quite possible that she's telling the truth. When there is an existing affair and a desire to cheat, that's usually when they lie to their spouse and tell them that spouses aren't invited to the company party so they can be alone with the affair partner.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@RowdyFurious , don't forget to take your health and well being into consideration. Your wellness should be a top priority along with your kids.

I'm pretty sure you need some therapy or counseling based on your reaction.

Please make this a priority as it will help your entire situation as crappy as it is.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I'm 42 (M) Wife 40 (F) we have been married 20 years we have two kids 18 (F) and a 12 (M) 2 weeks a go may wife told me she cheated on me with a coworker


Something else unpleasant for you to ask about...

Your wife is 40 and it's been 12 years since she had a child. Is your wife on birth control? She had unprotected sex with someone. If she isn't on birth control, and she's still able to get pregnant, is she sure that she isn't pregnant? (You said it's been a month since the party -- did she have her period or take a pregnancy test since that sex?)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Definitely file. It states in plain language that she has f’d up the relationship and you no longer consider her wife material. Others have brought up excellent points that you need to check into—— if you cared. If you want a divorce, I think that’s wise. If she’s told the truth (doubtful) there’s a possibility of reconciliation. If you rugsweep it and don’t file, I think that reconciliation is untenable.
It’s rare that a woman gets drunk and winds up in bed with a coworker. Too many choices have to be made. Attraction had to be there. Desire to cheat. Then they have to go to a hotel or his place or his car or whatever. That’s a decision too.

just a lot to consider. You were wise to see an attorney and should file.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> She was with him then me with out telling me. she didn't give me a choice


My cheating, soon to be ex-husband did the same thing to me!! 🤬


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Was she with you on the same day? Did she even take a shower?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I found me a consoler I going to see him on Friday. I told my wife to fire that man bashing consoler of hers.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

It wasn't on the same day.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I think I'm this triggered my shell shock like when I got back form the war. But I don't talk about that.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I think I'm this triggered my shell shock like when I got back form the war. But I don't talk about that.


People can get PTSD from infidelity. You don't need to talk about that here, but you should talk about that with a counselor. You may want to let your wife know this much, though, so she knows what she's done to you and to take that into account when dealing with you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Those *West by God, Virginia* men can handle their business!

This, I know.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Tell the kids that their mom cheated on you. They are already starting to blame you for this, they don’t need any details.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

You have to wait until Friday to talk to a counselor. Do you have someone else you can talk to about this that you trust? Do you have a family member or best friend you can talk to, even if it's someone back home in West Virginia? You said you talked to your co-workers. Did you talk to any of your coworkers in detail about this and, if so, did that help at all? Did they offer any useful advise?

How did your kids treat you when you saw them again? Did you or your wife tell them anything?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I advise agaisbt spreading the word to people that she cheated, and advise against discussing this with more than one trusted relative or friend. Later, according to how you feel whether you’re for sure divorcing or not, you can go ahead and state the reason so there are no doubts. I wouldn’t give details. I wouldn’t tell everyone your business. Wait a while until your head is back on and you can think clearly. You would even hold off on telling the kids in this case. Your wife isn’t trying to make you out to be a monster yet.

Give things a few days.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> People can get PTSD from infidelity. You don't need to talk about that here, but you should talk about that with a counselor. You may want to let your wife know this much, though, so she knows what she's done to you and to take that into account when dealing with you.


Rowdy, For PTSD, there is a therapy called EMDR that can help you.. Ask your counselor...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Don't divorce her until she gets another job. Otherwise you will be screwed financially in the divorce.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> All of this is reasonable.
> 
> ADDED: I do, however, think that since she invited @RowdyFurious to the party, it's quite possible that she's telling the truth. When there is an existing affair and a desire to cheat, that's usually when they lie to their spouse and tell them that spouses aren't invited to the company party so they can be alone with the affair partner.


It’s still possible that she invited him knowing his work schedule and that he wouldn’t be able to go. There are many details like this that are in the air.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I think I'm this triggered my shell shock like when I got back form the war. But I don't talk about that.


The way you described it when you first posted, yes, I agree. Sounds like shell shock.

Now you see and think more clear.

Now is the time to act.

Listen to your lawyer and protect yourself. She might go off the rails on you, be ready if she does.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I took phone down to work. My buddy he work's in it. He took the password off. He recovered all her messages. I got some reading to do.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Tell your daughter why, she deserves to know why her family is destroyed, it's not fair having her hate you over this. Your wife brought this on herself. Personally I'd go 100% scorched earth.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I took phone down to work. My buddy he work's in it. He took the password off. He recovered all her messages. I got some reading to do.


That should give you a clue if she's lying to you.

Or I should say...How bad she's lying to you.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I have breakfast with kids very morning when they get up. There mother told them what happened. They know I got there back now matter what.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

It was hard seeing the look on my daughter and son face when she told them.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> It was hard seeing the look on my daughter and son face when she told them.


It is a good education for them both.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Woman text a lot Jesus


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> It was hard seeing the look on my daughter and son face when she told them.


Heart wrenching. I feel for you guy, and them.

Good time to be strong and be present for them.

Keep counseling in mind for them too.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> Woman text a lot Jesus


Ignore the names.

People who cheat change the names so boys look like girls and visa versa.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Woman text a lot Jesus


They do speak about 300% more than men.
I'm told a good portion is repeating what they said once they have their man's attention.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Did she give up the phone willingly or did you have to fight for it?


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

UAArchangel said:


> They do speak about 300% more than men.
> I'm told a good portion is repeating what they said once they have their man's attention.


300% is the minimum range when they are sick with severe illness and cant talk and type well.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Way woman complain to woman about man. When ask her what wrong she tells me I should know what the ****.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

There mostly to her girlfriends.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> Way woman complain to woman about man. When ask her what wrong she tells me I should know what the ****.


That's what they do. Many of them anyway not all.

You're supposed to be a mind reader. Huge disrespect for her to be complaining to others about you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> There mostly to her girlfriends.


That's good news.

Did she tell any girlfriends what happened before she told you?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I haven't got that far yet.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Well I don't know her friend very well. But at least she had my back. She told her to tell me right away. And to go to get help.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> Well I don't know her friend very well. But at least she had my back. She told her to tell me right away. And to go to get help.


thats a good friend - 
did she have any messages between her and the other man? even before that happened

you need to find his wife and tell her


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I wish she would have told me right a way Jesus.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

No


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Message


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I have her address. We are going after the kids go to school.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@RowdyFurious 

I posted an article by an MD that said even when people are drunk they still know right from wrong. your wife being drunk is no excuse - because despite being drunk she still can say No. she is blaming the drink for her guilt. she wanted to sleep with a guy and had the hot for him. the drinks just made it easier. eventually, without a drink, she was going in the direction of sleeping with him. 

I bet you anything if you and your wife had a fight, and she drink until she was drunk that night, and you try to sleep with your own wife, she would've rejected you. 

I partied a lot back in day, I know that men and women can still say yes and no even when they are drunk. 

and i still dont think you wife left her job because of guilt. i think she was found and got fired. you can speak to HR to get the truth and report the guy.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@RowdyFurious 

if you want to answer someone here in posts, just hit reply - it will make it easier for us to follow who you are responding to


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Gabriel said:


> Don't divorce her until she gets another job. Otherwise you will be screwed financially in the divorce.


He's in California. He is going to get reamed. He'd be much better off financially playing the long game, if he finally decides he wants a divorce.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> It was hard seeing the look on my daughter and son face when she told them.


It's better than them blaming you for the problems you are having with your wife. This is her fault.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Well I don't know her friend very well. But at least she had my back. She told her to tell me right away. And to go to get help.


That friend is a friend of your marriage. In that conversation, did you learn anything new about what happened? Did it confirm what your wife told you so far?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> you need to find his wife and tell her


He said he planned on talking to the wife with his wife today. 

If you go in person with your wife, @RowdyFurious, to talk to the other man''s wife, I would try to avoid the other man being there to avoid a direct confrontation. It will only complicated talking to his wife and may lead to a fight if either of you lose your temper, which would not be good.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I wish she would have told me right a way Jesus.


Did your wife tell you why she didn't tell you right away?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> That friend is a friend of your marriage. In that conversation, did you learn anything new about what happened? Did it confirm what your wife told you so far?


She has not lied to me yet


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Did your wife tell you why she didn't tell you right away?


She was afraid of my Shell Shock I going to the VA consoler on Friday.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> He's in California. He is going to get reamed. He'd be much better off financially playing the long game, if he finally decides he wants a divorce.


A friend of mine divorced in California. He wasn't working a the time. She owed him support. Where they were biased is that they made him get an assessment for earning potential before calculating the support, which pissed off his lawyer because they wouldn't have done that for a stay-at-home mother and he told my friend that he planned on using that as a precedent going forward. My friend also got 50/50 custody even though his wife didn't really want that (she had expected him to leave and return to his home state). So California's laws can work in the man's favor sometimes, too.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Thanks for using "Reply" that helps a LOT.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I did know you could do that.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> A friend of mine divorced in California. He wasn't working a the time. She owed him support. Where they were biased is that they made him get an assessment for earning potential before calculating the support, which pissed off his lawyer because they wouldn't have done that for a stay-at-home mother and he told my friend that he planned on using that as a precedent going forward. My friend also got 50/50 custody even though his wife didn't really want that (she had expected him to leave and return to his home state). So California's laws can work in the man's favor sometimes, too.


I think I going to give her a chance. But still seeing a lawyer.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> A friend of mine divorced in California. He wasn't working a the time. She owed him support. Where they were biased is that they made him get an assessment for earning potential before calculating the support, which pissed off his lawyer because they wouldn't have done that for a stay-at-home mother and he told my friend that he planned on using that as a precedent going forward. My friend also got 50/50 custody even though his wife didn't really want that (she had expected him to leave and return to his home state). So California's laws can work in the man's favor sometimes, too.


I've read about the alimony provisions, after I believe 10 years of marriage.
There are cheaper ways to get divorced.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If she gave you her phone freely, had told your kids, quit the job….. it’s unlikely this was a long term affair and planned.
Apparently yiur wife has a weakness for banging other dudes while drunk. Scary.
But maybe salvageable. Far more room for giving a chance here, than most cases if infidelity we see.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> I think I going to give her a chance. But still seeing a lawyer.


It's prudent to explore all the options at this point.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Way I need to pay her she can work?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RowdyFurious said:


> She was afraid of my Shell Shock I going to the VA consoler on Friday.


My maternal grandfather suffered shell shock during WW1. So badly that they invalided him out of the army. He suffered for years afterwards.

What war did you serve in RF?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> Way I need to pay her she can work?


That's why you need to talk to a lawyer.
Hopefully, a good one.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Way I need to pay her she can work?


California doesn't care about adultery. They will try to split everything 50/50 as long as you are both good parents, including custody of the children and money. That means that if she was earning less than you, you may owe her money to make things "even". If she made more than you, you could argue that she owes you money to make things "even". Even though you are the wronged party, don't expect that to matter in divorce court there. And, yes, talk to a lawyer about it for official advice. They can tell you what a divorce might look like for you.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

MattMatt said:


> My maternal grandfather suffered shell shock during WW1. So badly that they invalided him out of the army. He suffered for years afterwards.
> 
> What war did you serve in RF?


Iraq and Afghanistan 2001 - 2006


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’d seriously consider moving to another state and living there at least a year before I divorced her.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’d seriously consider moving to another state and living there at least a year before I divorced her.


I would love to do that I hate California.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RowdyFurious said:


> Iraq and Afghanistan 2001 - 2006


A relative of mine served in the Royal Marines SBS in Iraq.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I think I going to give her a chance. But still seeing a lawyer.


The lawyer can tell you what will likely happen if you do try to divorce her. They can also tell you how to avoid mistakes that might hurt you in a divorce. So you should still see the lawyer even if you don't think you will divorce her right now.

After some big mistakes (cheating and not telling you right away), it sounds like your wife has been trying to do the right things by telling you and cooperating with you fully. That makes her a good candidate for reconciliation and staying together from her end. Remind her that it will hurt you more if she's still hiding things from you or lies to you.

But whether or not you stay with your wife is going to be in your hands and will depend on whether you want to stay with her and can accept and live with what she's done without it being unbearable for you. You probably won't be able to figure that out right away and don't need to.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

RowdyFurious said:


> I would love to do that I hate California.


come to texas...i have had a couple guys i know move here for this very reason and were able to divorce their wives with no alimony


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Apparently yiur wife has a weakness for banging other dudes while drunk. Scary.


There is a lot that she needs to explain there and maybe figure out herself. Make sure she gets rid of the counselor who told her not to tell you, since that's now a bit pain point between you and your wife, and make sure that the new one she gets doesn't try to blame you for her decision to cheat.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Iraq and Afghanistan 2001 - 2006


Thank you for your service.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> come to texas...i have had a couple guys i know move here for this very reason and were able to divorce their wives with no alimony


I'm not sure I wanting to divorce yet but I still hate California I have no family here only her family.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

MattMatt said:


> A relative of mine served in the Royal Marines SBS in Iraq.


Thank him for his service for me.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Marriage in California law sounds like long-term prostitution.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> It was 1 month a ago after a company party.


Okay so, I guess my question is, did the sex happen after the company party? I am assuming she and he went to a hotel? Was it in his car, her car? Where and how it happened says a lot about what her state of mind was at the time she did this.

And don't let her spin it like it "just happened". There was a build-up to it happening. She and this guy were most likely eyeballing each other for a long time at the very least. Probably a lot of flirting going on at work that built up to this. I for one am not convinced this was a one-time spontaneous. You don't just sidle up to a co-worker and say "Hey, how are you? Cool party huh? Did you taste the queso dip? It's fantastic. Whoh, did you how drunk Pat is getting? Wanna go out to my car and have sex?”

Doesn’t work that way.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I'm not sure I wanting to divorce yet but I still hate California I have no family here only her family.


How long have you lived in California? You said your oldest is going to graduate this year and talked about college but your youngest child is still 12, so you'll need to consider your son's schooling and friends if you think about moving. Do her family live nearby you now and do you see them regularly? Do you get along well with them? Would your wife be willing to relocate to be closer to your family after this, since she told you she'd do anything you need?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> Okay so, I guess my question is, did the sex happen after the company party? I am assuming she and he went to a hotel? Was it in his car, her car? Where and how it happened says a lot about what her state of mind was at the time she did this.
> 
> And don't let her spin it like it "just happened". There was a build-up to it happening. She and this guy were most likely eyeballing each other for a long time at the very least. Probably a lot of flirting going on at work that built up to this. I for one am not convinced this was a one-time spontaneous. You don't just sidle up to a co-worker and say "Hey, how are you? Cool party huh? Did you taste the queso dip? It's fantastic. Whoh, did you how drunk Pat is getting? Wanna go out to my car and f*ck?"


The party was out of town she worked for a vacation time share company there headqourtes are in Los Angeles she had a hotel room. We live in redding.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> And don't let her spin it like it "just happened". There was a build-up to it happening. She and this guy were most likely eyeballing each other for a long time at the very least. Probably a lot of flirting going on at work that built up to this. I for one am not convinced this was a one-time spontaneous.


^^ THIS.

The "it fell out of the sky" response is a euphemism that really means the exact opposite: They, like you so accurately say, had it all planned out.

This is why people need to engage with their SO at work. Go there for lunch with the SO once or twice a year, unannounced, and see if you stumble upon "situations." Monitor her/his phone activity (calls & texting) with co-workers after work hours and any unexplained charges. Run a credit check once to see if she/he has any hidden bank accounts or credit cards you know nothing about.

AND, text him/her at different times during the day. Chart the times out. See if there are black-out times/days when he/she seldom answers. Show up then, unannounced. See what up.

The iPhone... make sure she takes it with her everywhere she goes. If she doesn't, watch the f--- out. She's purposely leaving it at work so that he/she can be incomunicado and not traceable via iPhone Find My.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> Okay so, I guess my question is, did the sex happen after the company party? I am assuming she and he went to a hotel? Was it in his car, her car? Where and how it happened says a lot about what her state of mind was at the time she did this.
> 
> And don't let her spin it like it "just happened". There was a build-up to it happening. She and this guy were most likely eyeballing each other for a long time at the very least. Probably a lot of flirting going on at work that built up to this. I for one am not convinced this was a one-time spontaneous. You don't just sidle up to a co-worker and say "Hey, how are you? Cool party huh? Did you taste the queso dip? It's fantastic. Whoh, did you how drunk Pat is getting? Wanna go out to my car and have sex?”
> 
> ...


We had fight that day. Mad and drank to much.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

If you are going to speak with the other man's wife today, please do your best to avoid confrontation. Be very careful about not doing anything that might get you arrested, especially if you run into the other man. You may want to read through this page on self-defense law in California or wait until after you've talked to a lawyer and ask them about it: California Self Defense Laws - FindLaw


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your case is one of the few we get that the WE is doing all of the right things after the betrayal. I’d bet if she had a good counselor, she may have told you sooner.

My concern is how did things progress to sex? Why was she alone with this guy? How was she that night? Unless she was roofied, she allowed his advances to continue. Alcohol is known to lower a woman’s inhibitions, so that could mean she was into this guy and the alcohol was the perfect excuse to allow things to escalate. Unless she was afraid for her job or he was very dominant. Most women like dominant men and the alcohol allowed her to give in to her desire to be dominated.

Even if the negative is true, you have something to work with. We see a lot of carnage on the streets of TAM, and yours is one of the few that even the burn her at the stake members are saying slow it down on the straight to divorce train. I hope you’re able to find further evidence that she hated what she did.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

They have the party every year. Usually I go but I had to work.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

RowdyFurious said:


> They have the party every year. Usually I go but I had to work.


So this dude and I’m guessing everyone at the office has met you before? They must have seen your wife and this guy carrying on. 

Do you have all the info on that night? @ArthurGPym ask some very good questions that I hope you got the answers to. You don’t have to tell us but you should definitely dig to make sure this wasn’t something that was brewing at work with this guy. Flirting and making goo goo eyes for weeks before the party.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> The party was out of town she worked for a vacation time share company there headqourtes are in Los Angeles she had a hotel room. We live in redding.


So she cheated in her room? Why was the other man there? Or did she go to his room? Did she explain how things escalated from her drinking and being angry with you to them being alone and having sex? Did the other man play any role in how much she drank and how they wound up alone together? Did she give you any details?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> We had fight that day. Mad and drank to much.


So her reaction was to jump her coworker’s bones because she was mad at you?

uh uh… this was planned out, or the flirting was leading up to it. Dig deep. Ask her how long they had been flirting and talking at work before this happened.

Your WW has **** for boundaries. Working up to having sex with this guy was a series if decisions. At each step of the way there should have been a boundary in place, or if there was she allowed that boundary to fall willingly. The decision to cheat is a culmination of a bunch of small decisions all leading to a big one. Every decision was hers to make, so do not allow her to blame the OM or the booze or problems with the marriage. She cheated with full agency over her decision making.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

jsmart said:


> So this dude and I’m guessing everyone at the office has met you before? They must have seen your wife and this guy carrying on.
> 
> Do you have all the info on that night? @ArthurGPym ask some very good questions that I hope you got the answers to. You don’t have to tell us but you should definitely dig to make sure this wasn’t something that was brewing at work with this guy. Flirting and making goo goo eyes for weeks before the party.


I text her girlfriend husband. He is my friend he was there. For more information.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> So her reaction was to jump her coworker’s bones because she was mad at you?
> 
> uh uh… this was planned out, or the flirting was leading up to it. Dig deep. Ask her how long they had been flirting and talking at work before this happened.
> 
> Your WW has sh*t for boundaries. Working ip to having sex with this guy was a series if decisions. At each step of the way there should have been a boundary in place, or if there was she allowed that boundary to fall willingly. The decision to cheat is a culmination of a bunch of small decisions all leading to a big one. Every decision was hers to make, so do not allow her to blame the OM or the booze or problems with the marriage. She cheated with full agency over her decision making.


They used to date before she knew me. Years ago. They worked in to defrint office building.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

RowdyFurious said:


> We had fight that day. Mad and drank to much.


There must have been a build up to this, flirting etc.

Consider yourself damn lucky she told you.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I don't what to get a divorce I just want to now my options. I going to the VA to fix me. Then I want to going marriage counseling with her.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

DonJuan said:


> he can consider forgiveness whenever he wants, I wouldn’t wait on her to ask, that may mean he never forgives, and he’ll be much happier when he can let go of resentment. Maybe your thinking forgiveness means being stupid, or wanting to stay married, but it doesn’t. Forgiveness is for him, he doesn’t have to desire a spouse who could give him diseases, which also why he doesn’t have to trust her anymore. Forgiving let’s go of resentment or wanting to get even. Not doing away with the consequences of the actions. God can forgive me of cheating, but if I get AIDS, that’s a consequence that forgiveness doesn’t make go away.


Forgiving her right now at this moment, would be rugsweeping.... hec, he wouldn't even know exactly what he is forgiving.

Maybe this affair was ongoing, somebody at the work party saw it and threatened to tell, so the wife developed a story that it was one time to limit damage.... wouldn't be the first time around here.

Long story short, I think he should know exactly what he is forgiving before he does so, and if he does so after they divorce, for his own sake as you accurately describe, that is great....


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> They used to date before she knew me. Years ago. They worked in to defrint office building.


Ahhhhh. So, he's an ex-boyfriend. That puts a new spin on things.


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## endlesstunnel (4 d ago)

Dear RowdyFurious,
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this trauma.
I've been through it myself, and even though I'm on the other side but I do understand the excruciating pain you're going through right now.
The best advise that I received (also read about from hundreds of articles) for both the betrayed spouse & the unfaithful spouse is do not do anything drastically and do not make any major decision. You're still on an emotional roller-coaster of the betrayal trauma, the recommended action is to get professional help (Individual counselling / Therapy) so that they can help you with your own recovery and guide you through the next steps.
I would strongly suggest to focus on taking care of yourself first (mentally and physically), all other "stuff" are still there for you to address later when you're in a better state of mind. Don't get overwhelmed with too much info, focus on your well-being which is most important.
Take care.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

re16 said:


> Forgiving her right now at this moment, would be rugsweeping.... hec, he wouldn't even know exactly what he is forgiving.
> 
> Maybe this affair was ongoing, somebody at the work party saw it and threatened to tell, so the wife developed a story that it was one time to limit damage.... wouldn't be the first time around here.
> 
> Long story short, I think he should know exactly what he is forgiving before he does so, and if he does so after they divorce, for his own sake as you accurately describe, that is great....


I not forgiving anything now she hasn't earned it


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> They used to date before she knew me. Years ago. They worked in to defrint office building.


Doesnt matter, the fact that she slept with him because she was mad at you. the fact that they used to date means she still had the hot for him. it is clear now, this is worse 
she missed him and wanted to sleep with him and had it in her. the drink just paved the way. 

she feels guilty after doing - but it is 100% international to sleep with him. 

and I bet she initiated 

setup a poly to see if she lying. but I bet you everything she fantasized about her old flame and felt like **** when the grass was not greener on the other side

* drinks
* being mad at you , both being an excuse for her to validate her actions at that time.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

RowdyFurious said:


> They used to date before she knew me. Years ago. They worked in to defrint office building.


Time to setup a poly. I bet there is a lot more to this story...


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> So this dude and I’m guessing everyone at the office has met you before? They must have seen your wife and this guy carrying on.


ADDED: I saw the later reply that they used to date. That's yet another common element in adultery stories. But I'm going to leave this because most of it still applies...

It depends on how predatory the guy was and if he's done stuff like this before. @RowdyFurious should definitely dig to see if there was "something that was brewing at work with this guy", as you said, before this happened. That's possible. If it was going on for a while, then his wife would have had more opportunity to stop it.

Based on what I've seen in a lot of infidelity stories, the way men encourage married women to have affairs with them is that they take advantage of some unhappiness the wife has with her husband by stepping in and make them feel good with (often fake) empathy and attention while belittling their spouse to create a wedge they can exploit. Lowering inhibitions with alcohol is also a common component. It's almost like using a security exploit to hack a computer and many, many of the stories of cheating wives who confess on their own and show instant regret follow that pattern. Not all wives have that weakness but plenty seem to and only find it out the hard way.

In this case, she might have started the drinking on her own and complained about her fight with her husband, leaving herself wide open for emotional manipulation by the other man. If he followed her to her room and initiated the sex by kissing or touching her first, that would also suggest he pushed for it to happen. Those are also common elements in these stories and he should see if she mentions them on her own. Not saying that's what definitely happened, but it would fit a common pattern if it did. And, yes, that can all happen in one night without days, weeks, or months of flirting or feelings before it.

So I wouldn't ask her about any of these but see if she mentions them on her own:

Did he encourage her to drink more and get more drunk?
Did he encourage her to complain about her husband and act empathetic?
Did he follow her to her room?
Did he have to persuade her or force her to let him into her room?
Did he initiate the first touch? Was it a kiss, a hug, a grope? Did he escalate things?
Did he say or do anything else to encourage what happened?
Did he encourage her to do any unusual sex acts that she might not normally do with her husband?
This doesn't absolve the wife. She would have had to make bad choices along the way for things to escalate. But it might help to explain how a wife who had no intention of cheating wound up cheating in one night and determine how much of this was deliberately orchestrated by the other man. Where did that list come? They are repeated again and again in cheating stories.

If spouses were invited, I'm also curious to know if the other man's wife was there. If so, then he likely did this behind his wife's back and it may not have been obvious to their co-workers. It's also worth asking if he can talk to them and see if anybody noticed and, if so, why nobody intervened.

Again, as far as blame goes, none of that absolves his wife from responsibility for the bad choices she did make to leave herself vulnerable and not stop things before they went too far. And I would argue that it sounds like let her own pride and wrath get the best of her and lead her down a path that's badly damaged or wrecked her marriage.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

ArthurGPym said:


> Ahhhhh. So, he's an ex-boyfriend. That puts a new spin on things.


Yup, real big spin.
She's got some real 'splanin to do.
Time for her to put the full story on paper, subject to polygraph.
Methinks, "Benefit of the doubt" went out the window with this.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> I text her girlfriend husband. He is my friend he was there. For more information.


This is going to tell you a lot.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> Ahhhhh. So, he's an ex-boyfriend. That puts a new spin on things.


Yes. Had she had sex with him while they were dating, before you were married?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

RowdyFurious said:


> We had fight that day. Mad and drank to much.


A fight is never a reason to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to.

And you don’t know if she picked that fight purposely to justify what she knew she wanted to do - cheat.

Many cheaters pick a fight - that way they think they can justify what they plan to do.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I don't what to get a divorce I just want to now my options. I going to the VA to fix me. Then I want to going marriage counseling with her.


You also need to get her into individual counseling to help her understand what she did and why she did it. That means her finding a new counselor who won't tell her to lie to you and hide things from you and also a counselor that won't let her blame you for her bad choices.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RowdyFurious said:


> I don't what to get a divorce I just want to now my options. I going to the VA to fix me. Then I want to going marriage counseling with her.


@RowdyFurious you can do what is best for you. Ignore advice that doesn't fit you.

Some people advocate divorce under any and all situations. Others don't.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> How long have you lived in California? You said your oldest is going to graduate this year and talked about college but your youngest child is still 12, so you'll need to consider your son's schooling and friends if you think about moving. Do her family live nearby you now and do you see them regularly? Do you get along well with them? Would your wife be willing to relocate to be closer to your family after this, since she told you she'd do anything you need?


This.
As a matter of fact Rowdy, you should consider making it a non-negotiable condition of any reconciliation.
This shows you how truly remorseful she is. If she is willing to leave her family for a chance to preserve the marriage, that increases your odds of being successful.
As some added insurance, either go back to WV where you have family, or find a more divorce friendly state.
Besides, Rowdy, you said you want out of Cali. May as well get some lemonade out of the lemons you've been dealt.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I would venture to guess that she and this old boyfriend never stopped communicating…even after you and her started dating, got engaged and while you have been married. 

Look for other rcommunication methods other than just texting or emails. Look for apps on her phone that would facilitate communication with this guy on the down low. And don’t assume they ate not still communicating.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> They used to date before she knew me. Years ago. They worked in to defrint office building.


This changes *everything*. Check phone calls, texts and emails.

Right now, because he is an ex, there's a very good chance your wife probably kept him as an orbiter behind your back and has been talking to him God knows for how long. Hopefully it was just talking. This has all the makings of NOT being a ONS, but a MNS (M=multiple). 

Now there *definitely* is more to this story than what you believe or she has told you. 

Mouth shut, ears open.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I think I going to give her a chance. But still seeing a lawyer.


Yes. Cover your bases. I dont want to demean you or you wife. Not productive. Just a couple days ago, she was your everything and now? Im sorry for this, for your family. Love yourself, love your children and don't deny your love for her. Its not something most can just stop doing. Be at peace inside and live each day as it comes. Prayers for your and your family.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Get your miners helmet on and a flashlight because this rabbit hole goes deep.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

RowdyFurious said:


> They used to date before she knew me. Years ago. They worked in to defrint office building.


Huh? That changes everything. You need to verify if they’ve been in an affair. Hooking up or having a FWB with an ex can happen QUICKLY. There is not the usual getting to know each other. This guy had her in the past so they know each other sexually. There might have been sexual tension between them for a while. All it took was you not be around, drinks, music , etc.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

We told his wife man she gots a baby in her belly. She was there at the party. Asleep in there room. I gave her my number if needed anything. David a sick bastered she got a baby in her belly.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That they used to date has me wondering about why she confessed and also why she quit. That is if she quit or was let go. As for the confession, could a coworker have threatened to out her? 

That she used to date this guy was a very important piece of info that should have been included in your initial post because it really does change things . I was on the you have a lot to work with and that this can be overcome but I’m now much more concerned that you may not yet have all the info. Like Art said, it’s time to put on your mining helmet and do some serious digging.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hmmmm


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I just saw that you exposed POS to his wife. Many of us call the OM a POS for going after a married woman but that he has a wife carrying his baby, he is that much more of a POS. I know you probably felt bad to give a pregnant woman that news but now she table to control her destiny.

As for your wife, I’m sure she knew his wife was pregnant. While I give her props for facing what she did and exposing this guy but man, what kind of a woman lays with another woman’s husband; knowing she’s pregnant. I’m sure some women on TAM are rightly going to be triggered by that.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> We told his wife man she gots a baby in her belly. She was there at the party. Asleep in there room. I gave her my number if needed anything. David a sick bastered she got a baby in her belly.


He's a sick b* but your wife helped. And you know she knew about all that. 

What a pair.

I hope the other betrayed spouse deals with this ok.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

If you and your WW have been married twenty years, then there is a good chance she and this ex-boyfriend have been carrying on covertly for well over twenty years. That is a terrifying thought.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

After the latest news, he’ll I’d divorce her


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What was the fight about that night? And who started that fight?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> We told his wife man she gots a baby in her belly. She was there at the party. Asleep in there room. I gave her my number if needed anything. David a sick bastered she got a baby in her belly.


So I assume that means what happened between them happened in your wife's room. If his wife was there, how did he wind up alone with your wife and how did he wind up in her room? Did your wife know she was pregnant? How did his wife take it?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

I mentioned this earlier but his wife being pregnant brings it back to mind. Is your wife had unprotected sex with him, is your wife sure she isn't pregnant? (Is she on birth control or otherwise unable to have children?)


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

jsmart said:


> That they used to date has me wondering about why she confessed and also why she quit. That is if she quit or was let go. As for the confession, could a coworker have threatened to out her?
> 
> That she used to date this guy was a very important piece of info that should have been included in your initial post because it really does change things . I was on the you have a lot to work with and that this can be overcome but I’m now much more concerned that you may not yet have all the info. Like Art said, it’s time to put on your mining helmet and do some serious digging.


With the latest drop of information, it becomes more critical for the OP to find out whether his wife quit or was canned.
If it came out that OP found out that she used to date this guy after the indiscretion, that's damn well inexcusable.
I still think the GF's husband could shed a lot of light on what really happened that night.
Perhaps even the GF herself. She seems like a straight shooter. OP would still be probably be unaware of this if not for her.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

My wife telling me she had no knowledge about her be pregnant she not taking that veary well


QuestionAssumptions said:


> So I assume that means what happened between them happened in your wife's room. If his wife was there, how did he wind up alone with your wife and how did he wind up in her room? Did your wife know she was pregnant? How did his wife take it?


My wife telling me she had no knowledge about her be pregnant she not taking that veary well. His didn't take will. But her sister came to help her.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I mentioned this earlier but his wife being pregnant brings it back to mind. Is your wife had unprotected sex with him, is your wife sure she isn't pregnant? (Is she on birth control or otherwise unable to have children?)


she on birth control


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> My wife telling me she had no knowledge about her be pregnant she not taking that veary well
> 
> My wife telling me she had no knowledge about her be pregnant she not taking that veary well. His didn't take will. But her sister came to help her.


Good her sister came.
Maybe your wife knew, maybe not.
I wouldn't be inclined to believe anything she says just yet.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Start the divorce. Let's see where things end up. That's my suggestion. This thing is too messy. Maybe there is hope for you. Maybe not. It's too soon to know. You don't even have the truth of everything yet and it's already getting ugly with him being an ex, in her room, and with a pregnant wife. nah.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Good her sister came.
> Maybe your wife knew, maybe not.
> I wouldn't be inclined to believe anything she says just yet.


I don't believe a word she says.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I hoping his wife gets some information. Men are moor stupid about hiding ****.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> I don't believe a word she says.


You can't.
Right now, if she tells you that grass is green, tell her that she needs at least two independent sources to corroborate it before you will even consider it as fact.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

So have your wife and this guy been working together for twenty years?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

You may be able to hurt the other man by talking to their employer, since they did this at a company event. But keep in mind that getting him fired before his wife divorces him or if she stays married to him may also hurt his wife, too.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> So have your wife and this guy been working together for twenty years?


She just started working 3 years ago.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

Hey everyone,

She didn’t cheat with the ex-boyfriend. He is the husband of her friend who just happened to be there. This is RowdyFurious’s friend. 



RowdyFurious said:


> I text her girlfriend husband. He is my friend he was there. For more information.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> You may be able to hurt the other man by talking to their employer, since they did this at a company event. But keep in mind that getting him fired before his wife divorces him or if she stays married to him may also hurt his wife, too.


He is pos but baby needs money. I'm not get him fired. But I would stop my wife.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

RowdyFurious said:


> I hoping his wife gets some information. Men are moor stupid about hiding ****.


you’re right that us men tend to be stupid when it comes to covering our tracks.

I’m sure she is reeling from learning that her husband betrayed her while she’s carrying his baby. I feel really bad for her. I hope she unleashes her wrath on that POS. It would be good to follow up tomorrow to see if you can compare notes. See if what he ends up telling his wife matches what your wife told you.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I wonder if her work will tell me if she quit or got fired?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I wonder if her work will tell me if she quit or got fired?


They probably won't tell you because of privacy concerns. Most places I've worked will only tell people if a person does or doesn't work there. If she goes into the office with you and they'll talk to you, she may be able to tell them to tell you or show you her letter of resignation if she submitted one. That's probably your best chance.

You may also want to ask your wife, if she hasn't told you already, if she told her employer why she was resigning, especially if she quit immediately without two-weeks notice.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

jsmart said:


> you’re right that us men tend to be stupid when it comes to covering our tracks.
> 
> I’m sure she is reeling from learning that her husband betrayed her while she’s carrying his baby. I feel really bad for her. I hope she unleashes her wrath on that POS. It would be good to follow up tomorrow to see if you can compare notes. See if what he ends up telling his wife matches what your wife told you.


We man are lucky that don't have to hold back like we do.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> They probably won't tell you because of privacy concerns. Most places I've worked will only tell people if a person does or doesn't work there. If she goes into the office with you and they'll talk to you, she may be able to tell them to tell you or show you her letter of resignation if she submitted one. That's probably your best chance.
> 
> You may also want to ask your wife, if she hasn't told you already, if she told her employer why she was resigning, especially if she quit immediately without two-weeks notice.


she told her employer why she was resigning


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

She told me that yesterday


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

RowdyFurious said:


> she told her employer why she was resigning


What was her reason?

Is she working now?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

RowdyFurious said:


> She just started working 3 years ago.


And she's been working with him this whole time? Did she ever TELL you her ex was working there?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> she told her employer why she was resigning


I wonder if they contacted the other man, then, since he's also a married employee and they cheated at a company event.

If her employer knows why she quit, that may make them more willing to meet with you and confirm what she told them.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I wonder if they contacted the other man, then, since he's also a married employee and they cheated at a company event.
> 
> If her employer knows why she quit, that may make them more willing to meet with you and confirm what she told them.


I wouldn't be surprised if they backed away from this whole thing whether she was with him or not.

Who knows what a betrayed spouse will do with the information that HR tells or confirms?

The company would not want its name attached to any of it.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Beach123 said:


> What was her reason?
> 
> Is she working now?


She is not working now. She was tired of to company events all time Wear there is a lot of drinking. I now that most of the girls that work with her are a lot younger there always get durnk most of them mid 20's


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if they backed away from this whole thing whether she was with him or not.
> 
> Who knows what a betrayed spouse will do with the information that HR tells or confirms?
> 
> The company would not want its name attached to any of it.


Sure, they might not tell him anything. But if she goes with him, he keeps his calm, and if his wife got along reasonably well with the HR people, they might be able to talk at least informally to him about it. Over the phone I don't think he'll get anything. In person, he might, but it's not guaranteed.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

RowdyFurious said:


> She is not working now. She was tired of to company events all time Wear there is a lot of drinking. I now that most of the girls that work with her are a lot younger there always get durnk most of them mid 20's


Really? That’s the reason she gave you - for forfeiting the family income she was bringing in?

What was your response? Why didn’t she get another job before she resigned?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> She is not working now. She was tired of to company events all time Wear there is a lot of drinking. I now that most of the girls that work with her are a lot younger there always get durnk most of them mid 20's


Bad sign.

That environment made her feel "old" and with a dude around showing her attention? ouch. Do you think it's the first and only time?

The fact that she was "tired" of that environment... maybe tired of crossing the line too many times and living with the guilt?

So now she tells RF about the last time to clear her conscious?

It might be exactly as she is saying. But it might not.
The hits keep coming.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I didn't want her working from the start that's my jod.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

RowdyFurious said:


> I didn't want her working from the start that's my jod.


Dude, you want her working - if you divorce her you definitely want her earning money!


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I didn't want her working from the start that's my jod.


read my post

she was dating before means she had the hot for him - after she slept with him she felt guilty

she didnt sleep with him because she was drunk (doesnt matter, she can still say no)


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I didn't want her working from the start that's my jod.


I'm with you. My wife doesn't have to work. She chooses to do it and I'm happy for her.

You couldn't keep her locked up. And this is where it went. 
It's not your fault she messed around. Even if you had a fight.

She made the choice to drink and to mess around. That's 100% on her.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

But I lost that argument because I had hold back. She don't.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> she told her employer why she was resigning


Tell her to prove it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Sure, they might not tell him anything. But if she goes with him, he keeps his calm, and if his wife got along reasonably well with the HR people, they might be able to talk at least informally to him about it. Over the phone I don't think he'll get anything. In person, he might, but it's not guaranteed.


Probably will not get anything officially; however, if she goes in with him, he might be able to get something "Off the record."


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I going along the argument she told I wanted get job get out out of the house. I told her working my job. See stared yell at me calling me a male Soviet pig hietin me so I had no choices but to back down. This same tactic of hers is way I lost every argument. Now look I was right.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Personally. I’d want to be sure that this was really a drunken ONS or if there was a flirting build up leading to the opportunity. That they ended up in her room leads me to believe that she put herself into that situation. “We just went there to talk”. “Then he made a move and it caught me by surprise”. “I know I should have stopped it but was drunk and in shock”.

To me the part that stinks the most is that they used date. To me, that really makes the above scenario, something that she put herself in, so she can have the excuse “ it just happened.”

When did you find out he was her ex?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Wow, you’d be better off without her. Those viewpoints are crazy.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

The only way someone ends up in my hotel room is because I invite them in! The one with the key allows them in!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> There is a lot that she needs to explain there and maybe figure out herself. Make sure she gets rid of the counselor who told her not to tell you, since that's now a bit pain point between you and your wife, and make sure that the new one she gets doesn't try to blame you for her decision to cheat.


It's part of some training. And one of the reasons I don't use my counselling qualifications.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

RowdyFurious said:


> It happened one time. She was drunk.


One time as in one episode or multiple times in one night?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I going along the argument she told I wanted get job get out out of the house. I told her working my job. See stared yell at me calling me a male Soviet pig hietin me so I had no choices but to back down. This same tactic of hers is way I lost every argument. Now look I was right.


The male chauvinist pig didn't cheat on his spouse. The prideful wife did cheat on her spouse.

There is an often quoted Biblical proverb (Proverbs 16:18) that I think is relevant to where your wife went wrong: "_Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall._"

She hasn't acted that way toward you since she confessed and you walked out for 2 weeks, right?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> It's part of some training. And one of the reasons I don't use my counselling qualifications.


It's why I'm cautioning him to vet the counselor and not assume that they'll all provide the sort of advice his wife or he will need. In this case, the counselor telling his wife not to tell him was doing so to the detriment of his wife (whose guilt finally led her to confess against their advice) and his marriage (he would be less upset if she'd confessed sooner).


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> One time as in one episode or multiple times in one night?


Given that he had to get back to his pregnant wife staying in their room, hopefully it wasn't an all-nighter.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

What branch of the service were you in ?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Given that he had to get back to his pregnant wife staying in their room, hopefully it wasn't an all-nighter.


That’s a tough one. On the one hand, he’s a POS that has his wife alone in the room. A good husband would have left the party at the first opportunity but this guy wanted to get another taste of his ex.

Since they dated from before OP met his wife, means there past was from over 20 years ago. Now his ex starts working with him 3 years ago. How long do you think this guy has been fantasizing about having her again? Now he finally gets his chance (that’s if this is really a ONS), do you think he’s going rush or is he going to savor it. Now the same could be for OP’s wife. Did she have the hots for him but restrained herself for these three years? Or more likely they started flirting for a while with things percolating until that night?

It’s a lot of speculation but being on TAM and similar forums, you see how these things usually build. Which is why most are suspicious of confessions. Throw in her quitting, and you start to wonder if she was going to be outed. I want to believe she just got lost in a drunken moment that she deeply regrets but I guess being a TAM junkie has me jaded.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Given that he had to get back to his pregnant wife staying in their room, hopefully it wasn't an all-nighter.


You'd hope not, wouldn't you, but still could be multiple times in one room (I assume hers) visit.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It wouldn’t matter much to me how many times he railed her. Once is too many. She’s been there three years with her ex bf. I smell a rat.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> It wouldn’t matter much to me how many times he railed her. Once is too many. She’s been there three years with her ex bf. I smell a rat.


Yea, same. She's already despicable banging a pregnant wife's hubby in the room (next door possibly?).

What difference if it's 1 or 10 times that night.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s been there three years with her ex bf. I smell a rat.


I can see a path where nothing was happening before that night.

But it's not likely in my opinion. A rat indeed.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Jimi007 said:


> What branch of the service were you in ?


I was in the Army.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> It wouldn’t matter much to me how many times he railed her. Once is too many. She’s been there three years with her ex bf. I smell a rat.


 I was thinking more like drunk 1st time not so drunk 3rd, and 4th time, therefore drunk is an even flimsier excuse than usual.
I agree 100% on once is too many and also there is more to it. Stinks to high heaven.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> What difference if it's 1 or 10 times that night.


 Next morning would not be a drunken "mistake".


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

We are finally going leave California we going to sell the house. Move to West Virginia. I have land there. Family there.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

RowdyFurious said:


> I didn't want her working from the start that's my jod.


Without reading the rest of this thread, so could be wrong context, but saying it’s your job to work, and she isn’t allowed to… she doesn’t have any say in this? Was this something discussed early on and never again? Things change, people change, and saying one’s spouse isn’t allowed to work raises a red flag. But maybe I’m missing the context.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> It wouldn’t matter much to me how many times he railed her. Once is too many. She’s been there three years with her ex bf. I smell a rat.


He just started working there 6 months ago. I found that out from the pos wife.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> Without reading the rest of this thread, so could be wrong context, but saying it’s your job to work, and she isn’t allowed to… she doesn’t have any say in this? Was this something discussed early on and never again? Things change, people change, and saying one’s spouse isn’t allowed to work raises a red flag. But maybe I’m missing the context.


 Looks like she had a say, she was working, and look what/who she did with it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> He just started working there 6 months ago. I found that out from the pos wife.


You know this has been building for a while then. 
Assuming is the first time, which I doubt.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

She can work just not that kinda job.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Casual Observer said:


> Without reading the rest of this thread, so could be wrong context, but saying it’s your job to work, and she isn’t allowed to… she doesn’t have any say in this? Was this something discussed early on and never again? Things change, people change, and saying one’s spouse isn’t allowed to work raises a red flag. But maybe I’m missing the context.


She can get a job in factory a store.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

RowdyFurious said:


> He just started working there 6 months ago. I found that out from the pos wife.


And did she TELL you this when he started there? Did she tell you he was an ex and what sort of interactions she had wtih him?


----------



## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> We are finally going leave California we going to sell the house. Move to West Virginia. I have land there. Family there.


That your wife has gone along with everything you've asked, including telling your children, telling the other man's wife, and now moving to West Virginia, it seems like she is truly remorseful and humble. That's the first thing thing you need if you want to stay together. The second harder thing is that you'll need to figure out how to accept what she's done and stay with her. It sounds like you'll be better able to handle that by moving to West Virginia where you'll have better support, so this is probably the best move for saving your marriage if that's what you eventually want.

Are your children OK with moving to West Virginia? Have your children lived in West Virginia before?

Unlike California, it looks like West Virginia does have at fault divorce and her adultery can matter if you divorce there. You should have one of your family talk to a divorce lawyer there and find out if you need to do anything now to establish that she committed adultery and that you don't approve of it in case you decide to divorce her later.

You talked about your wife arguing fiercely with you. She sounds very humble now. Does she see this as a permanent change in herself or a temporary way to save her marriage?

How does your wife feel about moving to West Virginia? What did she say about the decision?

Will you have access to a VA counselor in West Virginia? Will your wife be able to get counseling and you marriage counseling there? (Quite a bit of West Virginia is rural.)

Are you confident that you can find work in West Virginia?

Good luck.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> We are finally going leave California we going to sell the house. Move to West Virginia. I have land there. Family there.


Did you bring it up or did she?
If nothing else, she seems to be throwing the kitchen sink at maintaining her Mrs.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> He just started working there 6 months ago. I found that out from the pos wife.


How long was your wife aware that he worked there? Did she know he was there for 6 months? What kind of contact did your wife have with him before she cheated on you? Did she explain that?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I found out the pos got fired 3 weeks ago.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Tdbo said:


> Did you bring it up or did she?
> If nothing else, she seems to be throwing the kitchen sink at maintaining her Mrs.


She did.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> How long was your wife aware that he worked there? Did she know he was there for 6 months? What kind of contact did your wife have with him before she cheated on you? Did she explain that?


I don't know this. Just what she told me and that don't mean ****.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> She did.


Wow.
Good news is that you have her attention and she is showing remorse.
You may have something to work with.
However, keep digging.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> That your wife has gone along with everything you've asked, including telling your children, telling the other man's wife, and now moving to West Virginia, it seems like she is truly remorseful and humble. That's the first thing thing you need if you want to stay together. The second harder thing is that you'll need to figure out how to accept what she's done and stay with her. It sounds like you'll be better able to handle that by moving to West Virginia where you'll have better support, so this is probably the best move for saving your marriage if that's what you eventually want.
> 
> Are your children OK with moving to West Virginia? Have your children lived in West Virginia before?
> 
> ...


I can find work easily.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I found out the pos got fired 3 weeks ago.


Did his firing have anything to do with your wife's resignation or what happened with your wife? Do you know why he got fired?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> We are finally going leave California we going to sell the house. Move to West Virginia. I have land there. Family there.


A change of geography won't magically fix your marriage and erase the pain she has caused. Your WW is the problem, and she takes herself everywhere she goes. Wherever you're at, there you are.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> That your wife has gone along with everything you've asked, including telling your children, telling the other man's wife, and now moving to West Virginia, it seems like she is truly remorseful and humble.


With all due respect these actions are nothing more than a desperate woman who got caught with her hand in the cookie jar now doing damage control and doing everything she can not to lose the life she has. Same old play, different theater. I have done a sh*t-ton of reading on other sites where ex-cheaters gather to talk and most of them to a person all say they did not start truly feeling full remorse until a good one or two years after D-Day. For the first year or so they are just dealing with guilt and shame and trying everything they can do to get their spouse, family and friends off their back. They may have pity on their grieving spouse but having pity and feeling bad about their spouse's pain is a far cry from true empathy. 

I'm just sayin'... I had to disagree with you on that one point.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Did his firing have anything to do with your wife's resignation or what happened with your wife? Do you know why he got fired?


Something called sexual hers ment.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I found out the pos got fired *3* weeks ago.


And you say that you found out about the affair *two* weeks ago? So, that gave your WW and the OM a good week to talk and make sure their stories jived. See where i am going with this? I guarantee you they are still talking. 

Look for a burner phone.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> And you say that you found out about the affair *two* weeks ago? So, that gave your WW and the OM a good week to talk and make sure their stories jived. See where i am going with this? I guarantee you they are still talking.
> 
> Look for a burner phone.


What's a burner phone.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

ArthurGPym said:


> A change of geography won't magically fix your marriage and erase the pain she has caused. Your WW is the problem, and she takes herself everywhere she goes. Wherever you're at, there you are.


It doesn't.
However, it does give him home court advantage.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> What's a burner phone.


A second phone that she may be hiding, primarily for the purpose of talking to POS.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ArthurGPym said:


> A change of geography won't magically fix your marriage and erase the pain she has caused. Your WW is the problem, and she takes herself everywhere she goes. Wherever you're at, there you are.


It might.

His family is in WV.

And no one need know what happened in the state of _Sodom and Gomorrah._


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## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

re16 said:


> Forgiving her right now at this moment, would be rugsweeping.... hec, he wouldn't even know exactly what he is forgiving.
> 
> Maybe this affair was ongoing, somebody at the work party saw it and threatened to tell, so the wife developed a story that it was one time to limit damage.... wouldn't be the first time around here.
> 
> Long story short, I think he should know exactly what he is forgiving before he does so, and if he does so after they divorce, for his own sake as you accurately describe, that is great....


t
If the affair was ongoing or once, wouldn’t he still be better off to forgive? I guess the term rug sweeping implies something that I don’t understand. I do understand letting go of resentment, it’s a great feeling. I do understand that for me, it’s not important if It’s once or more times. That may be his thought for him, that if it’s just once, it might work.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> Something called sexual hers ment.


Sexual Harassment.
Very interesting.
She really must have said something.
Wonder if it was just her, or if there were others?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> With all due respect these actions are nothing more than a desperate woman who got caught with her hand in the cookie jar now doing damage control and doing everything she can not to lose the life she has. Same old play, different theater. I have done a sh*t-ton of reading on other sites where ex-cheaters gather to talk and most of them to a person all say they did not start truly feeling full remorse until a good one or two years after D-Day.


Assuming she's telling the truth (big assumption -- skepticism is warranted), she regretted it almost immediately, she spent a month with a therapist telling her to not tell her husband and likely also telling her that it wasn't her fault but didn't take that easy route out, felt so guilty about what she'd done that she told her husband, she watched her war veteran husband have a total meltdown in front of her and go dark on her for two weeks, she quit her job without him asking because she realized it was a toxic environment for her marriage, she didn't try to blame anyone else for her bad choices, and she's done everything her husband has asked after saying she would -- including telling her children she betrayed their father and confronting a woman whose marriage she may also have destroyed. She's also told him she's willing to uproot and move away from her family to where he'll be most comfortable and supported. None of that looks like she's going for the the easy way out solutions that unrepentant or simply ashamed waywards often grasp at to make the problem go away without pain to them.

No, maybe she's not all the way there on full remorse and fully understanding what her husband is feeling or what she's done to him and their marriage and there is probably a fair amount of desperation in what she's doing, too. But a lot of those wayward spouses are starting from long-term affairs that they enjoyed and maintained in a fog and so forth and are still trying to hid from their shame which she already looks like she's passed. What I'm seeing here is typical of when there is an ONS and immediate regret or the husband's reaction is such that the wife realizes what she's done pretty quickly. I think she still has work to do and it remains to be seen if her new humble and supportive persona is lasting, but I don't think this is shallow or fake based on what he's said.

You'll notice that she confessed because of her guilt, didn't try to blame others, and swallowed her shame to confess to her children and the pregnant wife of the man she cheated with. I think she's already way past where most waywards start out in that regard based on the evidence provided. And in reacting the way he did, shutting down while she was talking to him and then walking out for two weeks, was probably the best way for him to quickly convey just how much pain he was experiencing and how much damage she'd done, especially if she was used to him deferring to her during arguments. I think the speed at which this happened for her is very plausible.

All of that said, reconciliation, acceptance, or even forgiveness isn't in her hands. It's in her husband's hands. He's going to have to figure out how to live with her after what she's done and decide if he can hold her or be intimate with her again. There are a lot of betrayed people who really want to reconcile but eventually find out that they can't, even with a remorseful spouse, and there are many that know they can't and don't even try. There is going to be a lot of hard work and soul searching ahead for @RowdyFurious no matter what he does, and none of it was his fault.



ArthurGPym said:


> I'm just sayin'... I had to disagree with you on that one point.


I get the skepticism and know it's well intentioned. There is a lot of cause for pessimism and mistrust. Infidelity groups are full of stories where the D-Days just keep coming and the story just keeps getting worse as endless lies collapse. A lot of wayward spouses also do lie and keep betraying people who give them a chance and a lot of reconciliation efforts fail.

But if he wants to try to stay with his wife and work this out, whether it's for his kids or because he still loves his wife or both, I think his wife has done all she can do to help from her end so far and going to West Virginia is probably their best chance for him to get the help and support he needs to make it work. If he's miserable staying with her and it doesn't work out, he can always file for divorce later but at least he'll be living where he wants to be. In that case, she'll be the one far away from her family.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I think she is only sorry she got caught! She may have confessed - but she likely had to - based on her job.

And if he got fired 3 weeks ago - she likely got fired too.

I bet she didn’t resign. Then when she got fired she was forced to tell you a version of the truth.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Tdbo said:


> Sexual Harassment.
> Very interesting.
> She really must have said something.
> Wonder if it was just her, or if there were others?


What is sexual harassment?


----------



## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Something called sexual hers ment.


So he was going after other women, too?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’d want to know the real reason she isn’t at her job anymore. I don’t think your wife is being honest.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> And you say that you found out about the affair *two* weeks ago? So, that gave your WW and the OM a good week to talk and make sure their stories jived. See where i am going with this? I guarantee you they are still talking.


You are missing that she spent a month in therapy with an awful counselor telling her not to tell her husband she cheated. So it was a month before she confessed out of guilt, anyway, then two weeks before he contacted her again. The other man wouldn't have been at the company party they cheated at if he had already been fired.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> What is sexual harassment?


Behaving in a inappropriate manner with sexual overtones. Can be physical, verbal, or any other action that creates discomfort. Must be something there if they unloaded him.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> What is sexual harassment?


We assume that's what you were talking about. Who told you he was fired for sexual harassment? Did his wife know this?

Sexual harassment would usually mean that he spoke to or touched women in an inappropriate way or even asked them to do sexual things with threats or for rewards. He was a predator who went after women. It suggests that he may have targeted your wife to take advantage of her while she was drunk, though she still should be blamed for letting it happen. 

Does your wife clearly remember what happened with him?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Tdbo said:


> Behaving in a inappropriate manner with sexual overtones. Can be physical, verbal, or any other action that creates discomfort. Must be something there if they unloaded him.


O my god my wife I got help my wife.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> O my god my wife I got help my wife.


Don't upset yourself additionally over this.
She still shares a boatload of responsibility for this.
Unless he kicked the door in on your Wife's hotel room and forced himself on her, she owns this.
He had no business in her room, and she let him in.
Grossly inappropriate.
However, if they canned him for this, there must be a pattern of behavior there.
One thing for certain, she must have let her former employer in on it,
This might have been the proverbial icing on the cake for POS.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> O my god my wife I got help my wife.


You both need some counseling to help you with this and then marriage counseling together. For now, you are being kind to your wife and helping her by staying with her and trying to figure out how to keep your marriage together. You seem to be a very good person and are already doing the right things.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Rowdy: Where in the structure of the company where your wife worked was this guy? Was he a supervisor, a co-worker on par with her, or someone at a lower level than her. Did they work together, or in a different department or group? This might shed some light on his demise at the company.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Iraq and Afghanistan 2001 - 2006


From 1 veteran to another brother, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE AND SACRIFICE!!


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> We assume that's what you were talking about. Who told you he was fired for sexual harassment? Did his wife know this?
> 
> Sexual harassment would usually mean that he spoke to or touched women in an inappropriate way or even asked them to do sexual things with threats or for rewards. He was a predator who went after women. It suggests that he may have targeted your wife to take advantage of her while she was drunk, though she still should be blamed for letting it happen.
> 
> Does your wife clearly remember what happened with him?


If another womsn knew OM was doing OPs wife, that woman could have filed a complaint. Knew that to happen when I was working.

I believe the company fired OM, and allowed the wife to resign under threat of being fired if she refused. Saw that scenario play out too.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Beach123 said:


> I think she is only sorry she got caught! She may have confessed - but she likely had to - based on her job.
> 
> And if he got fired 3 weeks ago - she likely got fired too.
> 
> I bet she didn’t resign. Then when she got fired she was forced to tell you a version of the truth.


I’m getting confused on the timeline of events. The party was 4 weeks ago, he got fired 3 weeks ago, she confessed 2 weeks ago, and she quit/fired 2 weeks ago?

I too am suspecting that she was let go. What I’d like to know is did she tell OP that an old boyfriend was working with her. That they were working together for the past 6 months, you have to wonder, if they were increasingly flirting with each other.

How has his marriage been for the last few months. Was she picking fights over petty things? How was their sex life these past few months? The fight they had on that night could have been purposely orchestrated to get him to not want to go.

The way key details have been doled out. Has made it hard to follow and to be able to give advice. At first I was sympathetic to encouraging OP to give his wife an opportunity to earn R but the more details that have come out, the more I recommend that he do more digging. Not saying to file for D but I’m not convinced he has all the details.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I think she was fired and didn’t tell her husband. I think she said she resigned but I doubt that’s true.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> I think she was fired and didn’t tell her husband. I think she said she resigned but I doubt that’s true.


Or forced to resign. Too many people saw them gettin’ friendly at the party. It got back to HR. Probably both were dismissed. Thus she had to tell OP why.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Tdbo said:


> Rowdy: Where in the structure of the company where your wife worked was this guy? Was he a supervisor, a co-worker on par with her, or someone at a lower level than her. Did they work together, or in a different department or group? This might shed some light on his demise at the company.


supervisor


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

MegaTbone said:


> From 1 veteran to another brother, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE AND SACRIFICE!!


Thank you for your service!


----------



## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Tdbo said:


> Rowdy: Where in the structure of the company where your wife worked was this guy? Was he a supervisor, a co-worker on par with her, or someone at a lower level than her. Did they work together, or in a different department or group? This might shed some light on his demise at the company.


work together, or in a different department


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

different department


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

jsmart said:


> I’m getting confused on the timeline of events. The party was 4 weeks ago, he got fired 3 weeks ago, she confessed 2 weeks ago, and she quit/fired 2 weeks ago?
> 
> I too am suspecting that she was let go. What I’d like to know is did she tell OP that an old boyfriend was working with her. That they were working together for the past 6 months, you have to wonder, if they were increasingly flirting with each other.
> 
> ...


she quit 4 weeks ago.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> she quit 4 weeks ago.


How did you find out he was fired?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So Rowdy,

you are saying you didn’t know what sexual harassment was? That’s interesting.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She ended her job two weeks before she told you what happened with her supervisor? Why did she wait two weeks to say what happened?

how do you know she didn’t get fired?


----------



## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

jsmart said:


> How was their sex life these past few months?


I getting any time I wanted.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> So he was going after other women, too?





RowdyFurious said:


> O my god my wife I got help my wife.


RowdyFurious, this a lot for you to take in so fast. Calm yourself! Take some deep breaths. Remember you didn't cause this, its not your fault. As I said, I mean no disrespect to you or your family, but something just doesn't add up or its just your upset and saying things that come to mind. Slow down, now piece some things together.
1. When was this company party.
2. How long after this party did the POS get fired.
3. When did your wife start counceling. Did you
know she was in counceling, she tell you why.
4. When did she tell you about the affair.
5.when did she quit, or get fired. This is important for you know which was it...quit, or fired.
There are lot of questions you need answered. As you said, you don't believe anything she says right now. It time to play hard ball with her, put up or shut up...so to speak. Sit her down. Be very calm and serious about this. I suggest having the kids out of the house for this. Lay it on the line with her. She has one and one chance here and now to tell every stinking bit of this crap storm she has put you in. Only this one time. If you even think she lying, omitting anything, minimizing things, in any way...you will end the marriage with no other options. You must have the truth fully, if you are ever going to move forward with your life...with or without her.
It's not about her anymore, its all about you. You didn't break this marriage, she did. God help me for saying this, but she's the one that allowed another man where only you are supposed be! How the hell can she ever expect you to ever accept her back into your life if she even hesitates a moment to tell it all?
People have said, have her take a polygraph. I suggest you really consider it. Take care of you and those kids. Blessing upon you and your family!


----------



## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> That’s a tough one. On the one hand, he’s a POS that has his wife alone in the room. A good husband would have left the party at the first opportunity but this guy wanted to get another taste of his ex.
> 
> Since they dated from before OP met his wife, means there past was from over 20 years ago. Now his ex starts working with him 3 years ago. How long do you think this guy has been fantasizing about having her again? Now he finally gets his chance (that’s if this is really a ONS), do you think he’s going rush or is he going to savor it. Now the same could be for OP’s wife. Did she have the hots for him but restrained herself for these three years? Or more likely they started flirting for a while with things percolating until that night?
> 
> It’s a lot of speculation but being on TAM and similar forums, you see how these things usually build. Which is why most are suspicious of confessions. Throw in her quitting, and you start to wonder if she was going to be outed. I want to believe she just got lost in a drunken moment that she deeply regrets but I guess being a TAM junkie has me jaded.


Guys!

It wasn’t her ex.

RowdyFurious said he was going to talk to her FRIEND’S HUSBAND who was also at the party. The FRIEND’S HUSBAND WAS HER EX. (NOT the coworker dude she slept with.) RF said his wife’s ex was his friend and that he would get more information from him because they are friends.

I said this once already today, but the miscommunication continues.

She never slept with this AP before.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> How did you find out he was fired?


Pos wife sent me image of his termination letter.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

See post #207


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I always work with men in March shop there's 4 of us


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

*machine shop


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Pos wife sent me image of his termination letter.


Did your wife hand in her resignation before or after he was terminated?
Did your wife quit the day she resigned or did she work for 2 weeks ("2 weeks notice") after resigning?

People are trying to figure out if your wife's resignation may have caused his termination or if his termination may have forced your wife to resign.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Did your wife hand in her resignation before or after he was terminated?
> Did your wife quit the day she resigned or did she work for 2 weeks ("2 weeks notice") after resigning?
> 
> People are trying to figure out if your wife's resignation may have caused his termination or if his termination may have forced your wife to resign.


her resignation before


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Has POS wife said anything else to you along with the letter?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Did your wife hand in her resignation before or after he was terminated?
> Did your wife quit the day she resigned or did she work for 2 weeks ("2 weeks notice") after resigning?
> 
> People are trying to figure out if your wife's resignation may have caused his termination or if his termination may have forced your wife to resign.


Day of


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Has POS wife said anything else to you along with the letter?


That all got form her


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> Day of


Ouch! That had to raise some eyebrows. Sounds like maybe her giving the reasons might have been what got him fired.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> her resignation before


How long before she told you that she cheated on you did she resign? You seemed surprised that she had quit when you returned home. Did she quit and not tell you before she told you she was cheating?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Ouch! That had to raise some eyebrows. Sounds like maybe her giving the reasons might have been what got him fired.


Yes, that's what I'm thinking. If she was a good employee, they'd want to know what made her quit and may have asked around. They may also have been afraid of being sued.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Day of


Did your wife tell them that she had sex with POS or did she just say she didn't like the work environment?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RowdyFurious said:


> They used to date before she knew me. Years ago. They worked in to defrint office building.


So Rowdy,
Did your wife once date the guy she just screwed, or did your wife once date your friend?

Pronouns are the devil.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

RowdyFurious,
To clarify,

Did your wife ever date the POS man that she cheated with? Was he an ex boyfriend of hers?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Woundidwife said:


> RowdyFurious,
> To clarify,
> 
> Did your wife ever date the POS man that she cheated with? Was he an ex boyfriend of hers?


ex boyfriend of hers?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I now code of conduct that they taught in Army. it sounds like need that in office's


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> ex boyfriend of hers?


No ?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> ex boyfriend of hers?


You wrote, "They used to date before she knew me. Years ago. They worked in to defrint office building."

Did your wife date POS before she knew you? We want to make sure we understand correctly.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I know the truth my wife had been to get him job in he's department it pays more money.
he hand her a piece of paper telling her he wanted she made payment. She couldn't live with guilt and quit.
So they are both pos


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I know the truth my wife had been to get him job in he's department it pays more money.
> he hand her a piece of paper telling her he wanted she made payment. She couldn't live with guilt and quit.
> So they are both pos


Was your wife trying to get a job in his department? Or was he trying to get a job in her department?

Was the payment money or sex?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

If your wife is still hiding things from you or lying, you need to tell her that will definitely lead to divorce.

You may also want to talk to POS's wife without your wife and see what she tells you he said and what he says happened. Text or call her and see if she'll talk to you alone without your wife.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

So the man your wife cheated with at the office party was NOT an old boyfriend of hers, right?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> It might.
> 
> His family is in WV.
> 
> And no one need know what happened in the state of _Sodom and Gomorrah._


Watch how you talk about my home state. Now back to the discussion.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Woundidwife said:


> So the man your wife cheated with at the office party was NOT an old boyfriend of hers, right?


Yes he was. When they were in there teens


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

And my wife doesn't now I now. She going to find when I get device paper. She lie me it over. I found the piece of paper.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> And my wife doesn't now I now. She going to find when I get device paper. She lie me it over. I found the piece of paper.


What did the paper ask for as payment?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I’m more confused now.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Yes he was. When they were in there teens


Did she have sex with him when she was a teen? Many people cheat with their early lovers, even many years later.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> I’m more confused now.


This is where all of you guys saying that he couldn't trust his wife get to say, "I told you so!"

It sounds like his wife wanted him to get her a job in his department for higher pay (or vice-versa -- not sure) and he asked her for payment (either money or sexual favors -- not sure). Sounds like maybe they both got fired over it or she quit because she didn't want to pay and he got fired. Given he was fired for sexual harassment, I'm guessing the payment was sexual in nature.

She didn't confess that. He found the evidence himself.

So that also opens up the question of what their relationship was, did they only have sex one time, etc. Basically this puts everything she's been telling him into doubt. He is a guy she dated as a teen.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

My apologies to all!

I must have missed a post. Sorry. That is what I get for catching up on threads at work.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

A warning about divorcing in California that my friend ran into. They will probably split custody 50/50 and make it hard to take your kids out of California. That means you will likely be stuck in California until your son is 18 if you want to be with him. It may be better to move be to WV first. But divorce in WV msy take you 2 years. 1 year living there plus 1 year separation but they may take adultery into account.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> ADDED: I saw the later reply that they used to date. That's yet another common element in adultery stories. But I'm going to leave this because most of it still applies...
> 
> It depends on how predatory the guy was and if he's done stuff like this before. @RowdyFurious should definitely dig to see if there was "something that was brewing at work with this guy", as you said, before this happened. That's possible. If it was going on for a while, then his wife would have had more opportunity to stop it.
> 
> ...


*Some excellent points here Rowdy.*


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

Woundidwife said:


> My apologies to all!
> 
> I must have missed a post. Sorry. That is what I get for catching up on threads at work.


You certainly really had me confused for a while there WW...mind you I'm easily confused nowadays.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> A warning about divorcing in California that my friend ran into. They will probably split custody 50/50 and make it hard to take your kids out of California. That means you will likely be stuck in California until your son is 18 if you want to be with him. It may be better to move be to WV first. But divorce in WV msy take you 2 years. 1 year living there plus 1 year separation but they may take adultery into account.


You mean i live with the pos for 2 years?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I now code of conduct that they taught in Army. it sounds like need that in office's


For sure.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> You mean i live with the pos for 2 years?


You just have to stay married to her for that time, not necessarily be in the same household during that period.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> It may be better to move be to WV first. But divorce in WV msy take you 2 years. 1 year living there plus 1 year separation but they may take adultery into account.


OP will be way better off in WV no matter what. His family is there and he hates CA, which is understandable. Since his wife is down for the move, IMO he ought to move there ASAP, get established there, then file. The legal fees and time to finish will be way better for him and he has support system there. He can tell her to get a job once they are moved back to WV


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> You mean i live with the pos for 2 years?


No one here knows what the rules are in WV ( or CA ). You wont know until you are moved back and contact an attorney. I would bet my last dollar you will be far happier in WV than trying to go through a divorce in CA.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> You mean i live with the pos for 2 years?


From what I saw on websites, to get divorced in WV you need to live in WV for 1 year. You need to be separated (not living together) for 1 year. I don’t know if you can do both at the same time. Also, maybe only 1 of you needs to live in WV. You should probably hsve a family member in WV talk fo a lawyer in WV for you.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I would bet my last dollar you will be far happier in WV than trying to go through a divorce in CA.


That may be true for money but may not be true for custody of his 12 year-old son if WV favors mothers. Getting his wife’s cooperation would help. He needs to talk to lawyers.

Also, he may want to stay on California unti his daughter graduates high school. Moving in the middle of her senior year could be rough.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Another thing to worry about is your wife filing for divorce first in California. Be careful what you tell her until after you talk to a lawyer.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> It sounds like *his wife wanted him to get her a job in his department* for higher pay (or vice-versa -- not sure) and he asked her for payment (either money or sexual favors -- not sure). Sounds like maybe they both got fired over it or she quit because she didn't want to pay and he got fired. Given he was fired for sexual harassment, I'm guessing *the payment was sexual in nature.*
> 
> She didn't confess that. He found the evidence himself.
> 
> So that also opens up the question of what their relationship was, *did they only have sex one time,* etc. Basically this puts everything she's been telling him into doubt. He is a guy she dated as a teen.


Wow, I totally missed that. Why did she want to be in his department? For more money or to facilitate an on going affair? So does that mean he found evidence that this was more than a ONS. Was she having an on going affair or some strange quid pro quo arrangement. 

With this new info, it’s very doubtful that she resigned on her own and that her confession was actually to get ahead of how deep this was. Probably got her story straight with OM and then confessed to a believable betrayal that was not that bad compared to what she’s really been doing with OM.

The OP needs her to provide a timeline of how this started and progressed and then have her a take a poly to verify key points of her story. She has been feeding him details in a piecemeal fashion that is meant to hide how deep this betrayal goes.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> supervisor


Well, that explains why he was kicked to the curb.
Proactive attempt to mitigate a potential lawsuit.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> work together, or in a different department


It would be interesting to read this organization's policy on fraternization.
If he is a supervisor, yep, stick a fork in him.
As for your wife, if they do have a policy, she may have been offered a self-imposed exit vs. termination.
If they have no policy, she probably wasn't canned. With the right word salad, she could potentially make a case for a sexual harassment suit.
But probably, she felt some shame toward you, plus knew that there would be blowback for her if she stayed at the gig.
However, if this company has a frat policy, they have a helluva way of promoting compliance.
Alcohol fueled parties at venues that require hotel rooms......, that's playing with fire.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> A warning about divorcing in California that my friend ran into. They will probably split custody 50/50 and make it hard to take your kids out of California. That means you will likely be stuck in California until your son is 18 if you want to be with him. It may be better to move be to WV first. But divorce in WV msy take you 2 years. 1 year living there plus 1 year separation but they may take adultery into account.


That's why he's probably much better off playing the long game and taking her up on her offer to move.
He can get out of Cali (which he wants,) and save money in both divorce and cost of living.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> This is where all of you guys saying that he couldn't trust his wife get to say, "I told you so!"
> 
> It sounds like his wife wanted him to get her a job in his department for higher pay (or vice-versa -- not sure) and he asked her for payment (either money or sexual favors -- not sure). Sounds like maybe they both got fired over it or she quit because she didn't want to pay and he got fired. Given he was fired for sexual harassment, I'm guessing the payment was sexual in nature.
> 
> ...


Just caught up with this.
It certainly explains much.
The Rabbit hole just keeps getting deeper.
OP needs to sit her down with a pad of paper and a pen to get her story about the whole thing in writing, to prevent any future fluidity on her part as she attempts to weave the narrative.
OP also needs to get his name on the wait list for a U-Haul. Hard to get those heading east.
Best to wind up the daughter's Senior year (assuming she wants to go to WV with the family) and get this one back to his home turf (after all, she offered) where he can either work through it with or, where he can potentially end things more equitably and economically,


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> That may be true for money but may not be true for custody of his 12 year-old son if WV favors mothers. Getting his wife’s cooperation would help. He needs to talk to lawyers.
> 
> Also, he may want to stay on California unti his daughter graduates high school. Moving in the middle of her senior year could be rough.


Wife already suggested they move. His family and friends are there. He hates CA


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

*for you who missed the post - this is what he meant*

QuestionAssumptions said:
It sounds like *his wife wanted him to get her a job in his department* for higher pay (or vice-versa -- not sure) and he asked her for payment (either money or sexual favors -- not sure). Sounds like maybe they both got fired over it or she quit because she didn't want to pay and he got fired. Given he was fired for sexual harassment, I'm guessing *the payment was sexual in nature.*


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Tdbo said:


> Alcohol fueled parties at venues that require hotel rooms......, that's playing with fire.


The company I worked for was legend for the parties when I started with them. Near end of my time they totally banned alcohol at *all* functions, banned people consuming alcohol on *any* business trip. The liabilities in case of an accident on business were too high.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> Well, that explains why he was kicked to the curb.
> Proactive attempt to mitigate a potential lawsuit.


It also suggests that the sex his wife had with him may not have been a drunken "mistake" and she is still trying to protect herself. The other man may have offered her sex for job help all along and there may be more to it than just at the company party. Saying that it was only once or while she was drunk may just be damage control by her. What really happened likely makes her look even worse. The question is, how much of her story was true and how much false?

Did she only have sex with him once?
Did her romantic relationship with the other man start at the company party or before that? Did she have contact with him before he started working at the same company?
Was she really drunk or did she agree to have sex for job help?
Why was she angry at her husband at the party? Cheating spouses sometimes get angry at their spouses because they are know they are doing bad things or see the spouse as being in their way.
Why did she really quit her job?
How did the company find out about the other man?
If he used a piece of paper to communicate with her, what else did they use paper to talk about?
Did she confess because she was guilty or because she was afraid the truth would come out?
Is she willing to go to West Virginia because people know what happened and things might get a lot worse for her?
And, at this point, he should probably wonder if this is the first time she's cheated on him. Did she cheat in the past? If the were together while he was in the Army, did she cheat while he was deployed?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> supervisor


POS was and is an idiot. Anyone in a supervisor role who becomes romantically involved with someone reporting to them knows exactly what will happen. Pity the guy's poor wife, pregnant married to a POS with no job who was fired for cause. Sexual harassment no less. He is going to have a tough time getting work, especially in CA.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Soooo she didnt confess out of GUILT - SHE confessed because she was about to get Caught from the guy's WIFE or someone that knows what happened

GUILTY My AZZ


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> OP needs to sit her down with a pad of paper and a pen to get her story about the whole thing in writing, to prevent any future fluidity on her part as she attempts to weave the narrative.


And he needs to tell her that he plans on asking her to take a lie detector test to confirm what she's telling him are true. She needs to stop lying. That's only going to hurt both her and him.

I sent him a link via private message (under "Converstions") for a company that could do polygraph tests in his area. They have a very long and detailed FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) that might answer any questions that he might have about them. They provide help putting the questions to ask together.

I didn't post it here because I didn't want to look like I was promoting them or advertising for them (I found the site via Google search).


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> It also suggests that the sex his wife had with him may not have been a drunken "mistake" and she is still trying to protect herself. The other man may have offered her sex for job help all along and there may be more to it than just at the company party. Saying that it was only once or while she was drunk may just be damage control by her. What really happened likely makes her look even worse. The question is, how much of her story was true and how much false?
> 
> Did she only have sex with him once?
> Did her romantic relationship with the other man start at the company party or before that? Did she have contact with him before he started working at the same company?
> ...


But, the key is OP should work to get back to his home turf before he blows anything up. Keep the cards close and hiddern. Play the long game as someone else said. Further investigation is pointless. What he already knows has him asking if he "has to live with his POS for 2 years". Someone said get in line for a U-Haul to mover since everyone is leaving the sinking state of CA. I agree.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> POS was and is an idiot. Anyone in a supervisor role who becomes romantically involved with someone reporting to them knows exactly what will happen. Pity the guy's poor wife, pregnant married to a POS with no job who was fied for cause. He is going to have a tough time getting work, especially in CA.


Worse, I don't think she was under him but it sounds like he was asking her for sex in exchange for him moving her to his department to make more money. It's possible that she realized where this was going and realized she could wind up becoming his sex slave if he kept asking her for sex to keep her job. Sounds like a real piece of garbage. The two of them really wrecked their lives over this.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> It also suggests that the sex his wife had with him may not have been a drunken "mistake" and she is still trying to protect herself. The other man may have offered her sex for job help all along and there may be more to it than just at the company party. Saying that it was only once or while she was drunk may just be damage control by her. What really happened likely makes her look even worse. The question is, how much of her story was true and how much false?


Bingo. ^^^
This sucks for OP.

She paid the price but felt like trash. She quit and told HR why, so they fired him for sexual harassment. Makes sense.

She had to tell Rowdy eventually so finally 4 weeks later told him.
I doubt it was because of guilt. He would have noticed eventually. It took 4 weeks to build up the nerve.

But changed it from a "pay to play" thing to an "oops I was drunk" thing.

That's lovely.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Wife already suggested they move. His family and friends are there. He hates CA


Yes, that's probably his best bet, but he should conform that with lawyers. She could also file first in California if he doesn't do this right.

What happened to my friend is he moved to California with his wife and kids. Wife got a new job with younger people who partied after work. (Use your imagination here.) Husband wasn't working. (Not good for his marriage.) Wife served husband divorce papers he wasn't expecting in their driveway. Husband hated being in California and wanted to return to his home state. Wife expected husband to return back to their home state and leave the kids with her when she filed for divorce. Husband didn't want to abandon his kids so he fought her (very expensive -- paid for mediators and assessments for everything), got a job, got 50/50 custody, and she owed him support (don't think she ever paid it and I don't think he pushed the point). But the catch is that he's still living and working in California because they wouldn't consider any custody arrangement that would allow him to return to his home state. The courts wanted the kids to remain in California where their courts could legally control things.

So for @RowdyFurious , if he divorces in California or his wife files first in California, he could get 50/50 custody of his younger son but they probably won't let him take his son out of California unless his wife agrees to it. He'll be stuck there until his son turns 18 if he wants to spend time with his son. His daughter is already 18, so she's an adult who can decide where she wants to live.

If he can get a divorce in West Virginia, it may work the other way. They may want to keep is son in West Virginia. But if they are a mother friendly state, he might get less than 50/50 custody. 

He needs to talk to lawyers about this, possibly one in California and one in West Virginia to understand how divorce works in both states and what might happen to him, his children, and his money.

The important part is that each state is different and divorce is complicated. Talk to lawyers to get details and ask questions.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> The company I worked for was legend for the parties when I started with them. Near end of my time they totally banned alcohol at *all* functions, banned people consuming alcohol on *any* business trip. The liabilities in case of an accident on business were too high.


In my experience, the amount of alcohol the company provides employees is inversely proportional to the number of staff lawyers they have because lawyers will point out the liabilities. As a result, the bigger companies I've worked for were usually more strict and had official policies while small startup companies were often a lawsuit waiting to happen.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> Soooo she didnt confess out of GUILT - SHE confessed because she was about to get Caught from the guy's WIFE or someone that knows what happened


She may have confessed for several reasons. The question is why her arrangement of sex for job transfer fell apart. Did it fall apart because she felt ashamed she was acting like a prostitute, because she felt guilty for betraying her husband, because he started asking for too much from her, because they got caught, or some combination of some or all of them?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> It also suggests that the sex his wife had with him may not have been a drunken "mistake" and she is still trying to protect herself. The other man may have offered her sex for job help all along and there may be more to it than just at the company party. Saying that it was only once or while she was drunk may just be damage control by her. What really happened likely makes her look even worse. The question is, how much of her story was true and how much false?
> 
> Did she only have sex with him once?
> Did her romantic relationship with the other man start at the company party or before that? Did she have contact with him before he started working at the same company?
> ...


The company is gonna cover the companies a** regardless.
However, this recent allegation is certainly damning to her, and her claim that it was a drunken one off.
All these are valid questions, and add another page to Roudy's To-Do list.
He now has at least a part time investigative job. He has many people to talk to, including the friend and his wife that were at the party. He needs the "Inside Information." to even have a chance at getting this sorted.
I doubt that he could get much from the company; however, I think that he needs to take her to her former employer and try. My guess is that he will gain much from the interaction while there, even if he does not garner any official information.

In this situation, I think that because it is just such a quagmire, I'd take a shortcut. Even though I am not an advocate of them, I'd find a good polygraph examiner and see how she would hold up under the rigors of one. I'd rank prioritize what I needed to know. I would take the lesser important information, and put it in questionaire form and present it to her in that format, and only waste one question verifying it. I would then dedicate the other two questions to the most pressing issues (whatever really was the most troubling about this debacle.) I would give her extremely short notice before the event, take her there myself (with a VAR in the car) and see if I could get the pre-confession. I'd say that he would be better off doing this in WV. He needs to take advantage of her "Generosity" before she comes to her senses and takes a more defensive stance.

OP has his hands full, I'll say that for him.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Bingo. ^^^
> This sucks for OP.
> 
> She paid the price but felt like trash. She quit and told HR why, so they fired him for sexual harassment. Makes sense.
> ...


Right now, that sounds like a plausible explanation to me. 

I'm curious what the paper Rowdy found says. It's possible that the other man also started asking her to do more, including sex acts she didn't want to do. I'll give her some credit if she realized she was being treated like a sex toy and shut it down, but we still don't know if she ended it or they were caught and she realized it too late, after the damage was done. Rowdy was right wanting to confirm why she left her job. Did she really resign or did they fire her because they got caught or reported?

He might be able to find out more from her friend that she worked with, who was advising her to do the right thing, and her husband, who Rowdy said he was friends with. But if he talks to them, he needs to make sure they don't talk to his wife about it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yikes, that revelation is very difficult to overcome. Sorry Rowdy. That sucks.

She got job advancement/placement but had to put out to get it. So she did, and then she couldn't handle the guilt, so she quit. Then she told Rowdy it was a drunken thing at their party instead of what it really was.

The extra kick in the ass is that Rowdy provides for the family and didn't need/want her to work in the first place.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> I doubt that he could get much from the company; however, I think that he needs to take her to her former employer and try. My guess is that he will gain much from the interaction while there, even if he does not garner any official information.


I think it's worth a try if she'll go along with it. He probably won't get them to say much without her there.



Tdbo said:


> In this situation, I think that because it is just such a quagmire, I'd take a shortcut. Even though I am not an advocate of them, I'd find a good polygraph examiner and see how she would hold up under the rigors of one. I'd rank prioritize what I needed to know.


I sent Rowdy a website (via private message under Conversations) for a polygraph company that can test in his area. They have a very detailed FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) page and they talk about helping clients put together the questions to ask, which I think he'll need. I recommend that he ask at least one question about whether she's ever cheated with anyone else since they were dating or married. If he was away for deployments while they were together, for example, this might not be the only time she cheated and that might be important. He may need to consider paternity tests if she's a serial cheater.



Tdbo said:


> I would then dedicate the other two questions to the most pressing issues (whatever really was the most troubling about this debacle.) I would give her extremely short notice before the event, take her there myself (with a VAR in the car) and see if I could get the pre-confession. I'd say that he would be better off doing this in WV. He needs to take advantage of her "Generosity" before she comes to her senses and takes a more defensive stance.


The danger is that West Virginia requires a year of residency and a year of separation (not sure if they can happen at the same time) to be able to file for divorce. If she gets scared while there, she could run back to California and file for divorce first, beating him to it.



Tdbo said:


> OP has his hands full, I'll say that for him.


Yes. I feel very bad for him. He didn't ask for this or do anything to deserve it. But he needs to put in some effort to protect himself. All things considered, he's been doing pretty well so far.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Rus47 said:


> No one here knows what the rules are in WV ( or CA ). You wont know until you are moved back and contact an attorney. I would bet my last dollar you will be far happier in WV than trying to go through a divorce in CA.


I going to fill in wv


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Bingo. ^^^
> This sucks for OP.
> 
> She paid the price but felt like trash. She quit and told HR why, so they fired him for sexual harassment. Makes sense.
> ...


We’re assuming she wanted to be in his department for a higher paying position but it could have also be to closer to OM to help facilitate an ongoing affair. It’s funny how OP said they have had arguments about him wanting to be sole provider. I suspect that subconsciously, his gut may have been telling him that something was going on.

It’s crazy how this has taken such a bad turn for OP. The confession of a ONS was her attempt to get ahead of being outed for a quid pro quo sex for a promotion to higher paying team or worse her being involved in an ongoing affair with her old boyfriend. 

OP going through her phone will not find evidence of an ongoing affair because they communicated in person or through actual paper notes. A woman willing to be involved in such a scheme, is very likely to have had sex with other guys during their 20 year marriage. This is not the behavior of a first time WW.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Wow, I totally missed that. Why did she want to be in his department? For more money or to facilitate an on going affair? So does that mean he found evidence that this was more than a ONS. Was she having an on going affair or some strange quid pro quo arrangement.


What Rowdy wrote was:



RowdyFurious said:


> I know the truth my wife had been to get him job in he's department it pays more money.
> he hand her a piece of paper telling her he wanted she made payment. She couldn't live with guilt and quit.
> So they are both pos


I think he's saying is that his wife was trying to get him to get her a job in his department that paid more. He asked her for "payment" for his help on a piece of paper (perhaps to avoid text message or email that could be traced). Since he was fired for sexual harassment, I assume the "payment" involved sex, possibly acts that she didn't want to perform or maybe she realized his requests for sex weren't going to end and she'd become his sex slave. So the question is whether the sex at the party was the only time they had sex and was it drunken sex or did he start asking her for sex for help with a transfer at the party. How much of this was romance and how much was sex? How much was willing and how much coerced? Lots of bad choices by the wife no matter what.

It's possible that I'm reading more than he intended into what he wrote or that I'm getting things wrong.



jsmart said:


> The OP needs her to provide a timeline of how this started and progressed and then have her a take a poly to verify key points of her story. She has been feeding him details in a piecemeal fashion that is meant to hide how deep this betrayal goes.


He may already know enough to divorce her at this point. But he doesn't know what he doesn't know so there may be more to this that he'd want to know.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I going to fill in wv


OK. Make sure you don't scare her into filing in California before you.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I found the piece of paper.


Can you tell us more about what the piece of paper says?


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> We’re assuming she wanted to be in his department for a higher paying position but it could have also be to closer to OM to help facilitate an ongoing affair.


Oh, I think it's pretty obvious she was killing two birds with one stone. It was a win-win situation for her: she was either going to get sausage with an ex AND a promotion or just the promotion, but she was going to get something.

She was probably getting so much sausage from the guy that others started suspecting something. The way this "situationship" is unfolding looks and sounds like there's public knowledge of their affair at their workplace.

ONS, in the world of infidelity, is a euphemism for a *full-on* physical affair. I don't believe anything that comes out of the cheating filth's mouth when they're caught.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> The danger is that West Virginia requires a year of residency and a year of separation (not sure if they can happen at the same time) to be able to file for divorce. If she gets scared while there, she could run back to California and file for divorce first, beating him to it.


That is the rub with the long game, more risk for greater rewards.
He will need to finesse the situation though. Maybe something along of the lines of "Honey, I really want to work through this, but it is going to be a process rather than an event......gonna need work on restoring trust, etc." Who knows, maybe they'll work through it.
I kind of doubt it though. There appears to be a whole lot of meat on this last drop. However, weirder things have happened.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Rus47 said:


> But, the key is OP should work to get back to his home turf before he blows anything up. Keep the cards close and hiddern. Play the long game as someone else said. Further investigation is pointless. What he already knows has him asking if he "has to live with his POS for 2 years". Someone said get in line for a U-Haul to mover since everyone is leaving the sinking state of CA. I agree.


We are moving as soon as I can sell the House.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I think it's worth a try if she'll go along with it. He probably won't get them to say much without her there.


I think she will. I think he said at one point in the thread that she was willing to.
At any rate, she needs to be compelled to do so.
If she is going to stand a snowball's chance in hell, she will continue to be highly compliant.
It may be the only leverage she has if she wants to save her marriage.
Besides she needs consequences.
Nothing does that like the perp walk in the front door.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> We are moving as soon as I can sell the House.


I suggest that you talk to your daughter. You may be asking her to move in the middle of her last year of high school and she may not be happy about that. If she is already 18, she's an adult and could decide to stay on her own if she doesn't want to move with you. It would be better if you help her and work with her about that. Is there someone that you trust where you live that she could stay with to finish her school year if she wants to stay?

I also suggest you talk to a lawyer before doing things with money or buying property in WV. During a divorce, your wife may wind up getting about half of the money and half of any property you own. Even in states where adultery does matter, wives can still get about half. Talk to a lawyer. Protect yourself.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

We will move as soon possible I'm going to sell the House from there.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I suggest that you talk to your daughter. You may be asking her to move in the middle of her last year of high school and she may not be happy about that. If she is already 18, she's an adult and could decide to stay on her own if she doesn't want to move with you. It would be better if you help her and work with her about that. Is there someone that you trust where you live that she could stay with to finish her school year if she wants to stay?
> 
> I also suggest you talk to a lawyer before doing things with money or buying property in WV. During a divorce, your wife may wind up getting about half of the money and half of any property you own. Even in states where adultery does matter, wives can still get about half. Talk to a lawyer. Protect yourself.


My Daughter is on board with moving. I have property in west Virginia been in the family long time we got in land grant in 1683


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> I think she will. I think he said at one point in the thread that she was willing to.
> At any rate, she needs to be compelled to do so.


I think it's worth a try but they might not tell him anything.



Tdbo said:


> If she is going to stand a snowball's chance in hell, she will continue to be highly compliant.
> It may be the only leverage she has if she wants to save her marriage.


If she is going to stand a snowball's chance in Hell, she needs to stop all of her lying immediately, come clean, and let Rowdy decide if he wants to divorce her or stay married based on what she actually did. I think talking to her about a polygraph test may convince her to come clean.

The important thing here is that she'll cooperate as long as she thinks Rowdy might stay with her. If she believes he's gong to divorce her, she might get scared, stop cooperating, not want to move to West Virginia, and file for divorce in California first. If she really does feel guilty and is remorseful, she might go along with him because it's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't count on that.

If she was fired for cause, she might have trouble finding another job in California, so it might be in her best interest to move to West Virginia, to start over and make sure her kids can stay with both parents, even if she gets divorced there.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

As someone who went through this it doesn’t get much better you just learn to deal with it. I should have left when I found out years ago.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> My Daughter is on board with moving. I have property in west Virginia been in the family long time we got in land grant in 1683


That's great news. Just keep in mind that if you have to split your wealth during a divorce, that property or its value might be included. You need to talk to a lawyer in West Virginia to protect yourself and that property if you divorce.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

RowdyFurious said:


> My Daughter is on board with moving. I have property in west Virginia been in the family long time we got in land grant in 1683


That is a huge plus. At that age, teens are so enmeshed with their personal friends or a boyfriend that they rarely will want to relocate. I guess even teens want out of California or more likely your daughter values her family so much that she’s willing to sacrifice to help save it.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> That's great news. Just keep in mind that if you have to split your wealth during a divorce, that property or its value might be included. You need to talk to a lawyer in West Virginia to protect yourself and that property if you divorce.


I going to see a lawyer in west Virginia definitely.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> If she is going to stand a snowball's chance in Hell, she needs to stop all of her lying immediately, come clean, and let Rowdy decide if he wants to divorce her or stay married based on what she actually did. I think talking to her about a polygraph test may convince her to come clean.
> 
> The important thing her is that she'll cooperate as long as she thinks Rowdy might stay with her. If she believes he's gong to divorce her, she might get scared, stop cooperating, not want to move to West Virginia, and file for divorce in California first. If she really does feel guilty and is remorseful, she might go along with him because it's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't count on that.
> 
> If she was fired for cause, she might have trouble finding another job in California, so it might be in her best interest to move to West Virginia, to start over and make sure her kids can stay with both parents, even if she gets divorced there.



Right now she is being highly compliant and seems to be trying to massage the narrative.
She'll stop lying when her narrative collapses under its own weight.
OP can apply that pressure by taking her rump to the office.
OP can apply even more pressure by giving her a pop quiz administered by a polygraph examiner, and to integrate her into all the gyrations associated with that.
Right now, he seems to be getting things he wants that he didn't ask for initially (WV.)
So what's the deal? Is she trying to do what's right? Trying to save her marriage? Is she running scared?
What we don't know is her mental state. Is she "Cool as a Cucumber" or is she scattered?
Without OP's assessment, we don't know. She sounds about as scattered as a dozen eggs dropped on the kitchen floor to me.
Right now, OP needs a two tier approach. He needs to be soothing enough to get her and the kid (or kids) to WV, and he needs to lay the groundwork for what happens once they get there.
Right now OP needs to focus on getting his ducks aligned, and stop talking about divorce.
Plenty of time for that later. Right now he needs knowledge, facts, and to lay the foundation behind the scenes to prepare for divorce, should that become the outcome.
She seems to think that a move to WV is in her best interests, otherwise she wouldn't have proposed it unprompted.
She's running from something. The question is what? Time will tell. This situation has not fully played out yet.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> My Daughter is on board with moving. I have property in west Virginia been in the family long time we got in land grant in 1683


Just to give you a tip as a retired school administrator: Work with her California school and see if provisions can be made that she can finish the rest of her year out online. With state testing, as well as some policies about kids transferring during their senior year, I'd hate to see her graduation delayed.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> So what's the deal? Is she trying to do what's right? Trying to save her marriage? Is she running scared?
> What we don't know is her mental state. Is she "Cool as a Cucumber" or is she scattered?
> Without OP's assessment, we don't know. She sounds about as scattered as a dozen eggs dropped on the kitchen floor to me.


It could be all 3 or any mix. She could really be guilty. She could be trying to save her marriage. And she could be scared because of everything collapsing on her at work.

What I'm seeing is someone who realizes their back is up against the wall, things are really bad, and she doesn't know how to get out of it. Scattered? Maybe. But her telling him that she'll do anything for him and actually delivering on most of it (she's failing terribly on being fully honest) tells me that she understands she's done something divorce-worthy, that her marriage is in Rowdy's hands, and she need to go all in on saving her marriage. 

If she really did go to counseling and the counseling really did advise her to lie to Rowdy, then that could be why she's still failing to fully disclose and that may undo whatever good she's been doing by cooperating. It's possible that most of what she told him is true. Of course it's also possible that what she's still hiding is so terrible that she knows it will lead to an automatic divorce.

Whatever was on that paper Rowdy found seems to have changed his opinion a lot and he doesn't seem to want to go into detail about it. I'm guessing it's sexually graphic, describing either what the other man wanted and maybe things they'd already done. If she fully discloses to him, they can discuss it and what she actually did or didn't do with him.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> It could be all 3 or any mix. She could really be guilty. She could be trying to save her marriage. And she could be scared because of everything collapsing on her at work.
> 
> What I'm seeing is someone who realizes their back is up against the wall, things are really bad, and she doesn't know how to get out of it. Scattered? Maybe. But her telling him that she'll do anything for him and actually delivering on most of it (she's failing terribly on being fully honest) tells me that she understands she's done something divorce-worthy, that her marriage is in Rowdy's hands, and she need to go all in on saving her marriage.
> 
> ...


It'll all shake out in the process. Unfortunately for him, he needs to continue the grind.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

jsmart said:


> That is a huge plus. At that age, teens are so enmeshed with their personal friends or a boyfriend that they rarely will want to relocate. I guess even teens want out of California or more likely your daughter values her family so much that she’s willing to sacrifice to help save it.


I made deal with my daughter and son we go west Virginia I will go to consoling with there mom for 2 years. I getting he'll out of this **** state.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

Hey folks, I ask all of you here at TAM to please show some kindness to this man! Dont spin him all over the place and show some modicum of decency and respect in your posts. This is a hard situation at best for anyone to deal with and he is trying. As a retired vet I can tell you just how real the PTSD he suffers from is. Unless you've been there, you don't know what horrors roll in his mind. Hes seen things , God forbid, you never want to see where he was at and can't unsee them! 
Yes he faces a huge battle in his home now because of what his wife has done and needs help and guidance to cope with this, but please read his comments carefully, ask questions when needed, comment carefully. Put the TAM 2X4's away right now.
RowdyFurious fought in real WAR, saw things he didn't want to, did things he never wanted to, followed the orders of the President and those appointed over him, coped with real life and death situations minute for minute, day by day, said good by forever to comrades in battle then came home to restart his life, only to now have it blown up all over again! Show the wisdom you folks have here to him with compassion.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@RowdyFurious 

what was on the paper that the guy wrote to your wife? and where did you find it? what did your wife say about the paper?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I made deal with my daughter and son we go west Virginia I will go to consoling with there mom for 2 years. I getting he'll out of this **** state.


You have great kids putting their family first like that.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

For daughter and son I going to stay in Redding I'm going to tell my wife no more individual consoling for her we go to gather a new one not the one she is seeing. She will not be working in tell I can trust her. She will not go out with her friends with out me. I get full access to everything no more pass words. I don't have them on my phone Or computer. I'm getting bed I can't sleep in this one. She got to stop try to touch me in making me sick. She will take a lie detector test. And she will sign a postnuptial agreement darn up by lawyer here sho what is mine is mine. What is hers is hers. Eavin custy. We split the value of the house in California. I pay no alimony if we do decide to divorce. So it fair. Do you think she would accept this?


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> For daughter and son I going to stay in Redding I'm going to tell my wife no more individual consoling for her we go to gather a new one not the one she is seeing. She will not be working in tell I can trust her. She will not go out with her friends with out me. I get full access to everything no more pass words. I don't have them on my phone Or computer. I'm getting bed I can't sleep in this one. She got to stop try to touch me in making me sick. She will take a lie detector test. And she will sign a postnuptial agreement darn up by lawyer here sho what is mine is mine. What is hers is hers. Eavin custy. We split the value of the house in California. I pay no alimony if we do decide to divorce. So it fair. Do you think she would accept this?



Hell yah is acceptable -

can you explain more on what was on the paper - did your wife agree to sleep with guy? we are still not sure we understand fully what is taking place


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It is fair but wouldn’t be surprised if some friend will advise against going for it because it gives you to much power. 

As for individual counseling, that is what she needs. Preferably a counselor that has experience with infidelity. You don’t want her going to someone that’s just going to enable her actions to make her out to be the victim.

I strongly suggest that you get her to write out a timeline of how the affair started, how they communicated, what they talked about, what she sexually did and how many times, all to be verified by a poly.
You don’t have to share the sex details with us but you want to know exactly what you’re possibly forgiving.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> For daughter and son I going to stay in Redding
> 
> *Good*
> 
> ...


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

blackclover3 said:


> Hell yah is acceptable -
> 
> can you explain more on what was on the paper - did your wife agree to sleep with guy? we are still not sure we understand fully what is taking place


It was her resignation letter. She got the other pos fired.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> It was her resignation letter. She got the other pos fired.


@RowdyFurious 

I'm more confused - you said the paper said she got promoted for sleeping with guy or the guy got hired for sleeping with your wife. so it was not a drunk mistake more like they are doing each others a favor?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

blackclover3 said:


> @RowdyFurious
> 
> I'm more confused - you said the paper said she got promoted for sleeping with guy or the guy got hired for sleeping with your wife. so it was not a drunk mistake more like they are doing each others a favor?


Me to she going to that stupid consoler. We get a new one we go together.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

blackclover3 said:


> @RowdyFurious
> 
> I'm more confused - you said the paper said she got promoted for sleeping with guy or the guy got hired for sleeping with your wife. so it was not a drunk mistake more like they are doing each others a favor?


I think that I have figured some of this out.
Here goes:
The POS served in a supervisory role.
POS led a different department or group within the organization.
Wife was interested in being a part of the POS's group, because it would result in a pay hike for her.
However, POS required that she "Try out" for the group for additional consideration.
Something went sideways, or she got conscience and dropped the full 311 in her resignation letter.
Result: POS canned.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

RowdyFurious said:


> For daughter and son I going to stay in Redding I'm going to tell my wife no more individual consoling for her we go to gather a new one not the one she is seeing. She will not be working in tell I can trust her. She will not go out with her friends with out me. I get full access to everything no more pass words. I don't have them on my phone Or computer. I'm getting bed I can't sleep in this one. She got to stop try to touch me in making me sick. She will take a lie detector test. And she will sign a postnuptial agreement darn up by lawyer here sho what is mine is mine. What is hers is hers. Eavin custy. We split the value of the house in California. I pay no alimony if we do decide to divorce. So it fair. Do you think she would accept this?


I think disallowing her to work or basically leave the house without you is highly controlling and abusive. I understand your pain and the difficulty you are dealing with, but making her an inmate isn't the answer. You want a happy healthy marriage. You won't get that if you squeeze the life out of your wife.
It would be good for the two of you to get a book about healing from an affair. She should read it and do what it says. You should read it, so you can better understand the healing process. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful - Kindle edition by MacDonald, Linda, Lawless, Agnes, Riggio, Connie . Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.
You can get it on audio and listen to it.

This is what I understand about what happened; for clarity, please let us know if I have this right:
Your wife had a boyfriend, when she was a teenager, Dave. Dave recently started working at her company as a supervisor in a different department.
The company has an annual work event that is held out of town. You normally go, but were unable to go this time due to having to work.
At this company event, your wife got drunk and invited the ex-boyfriend up to her room, after his pregnant wife had gone to bed. She had drunken sex with the ex-boyfriend.
Your wife has been in therapy. Her counselor told her not to tell you, but her good friend told her that she must tell you immediately. You and your wife are couple friends with her and her husband. You like them both.
Your wife couldn't carry the guilt of her adultery, so she told you.
You got very upset and left the house for two weeks.
When you got home, your wife told you that she had quit her job. She gave you a copy of her resignation letter. In the letter, she told her boss that she was leaving because she had sex with her coworker during the work event. Due to Dave being in a supervisory position, he was fired for sexual harrassment.
You and your wife went together to tell his wife that your wife have sex with her husband. That's when you and your wife found out that Dave's wife is pregnant.
You want to move out of California, but now, for some reason you have decided to stay in California, because you think a post nup is going to protect you, if you do decide to get divorced?
I thought you wanted to move back to West Virginia and your family agreed with you to go. What happened to change your mind? Could it be that you are so upset right now that you're having trouble making decisions? With your PTSD kicking in, it's understandable that your thoughts are all a jumble. Even without combat PTSD, you would still be a wreck over this. Most people would be.
IMO, it would be good for you to buy a new bed, start in with counseling, and wait a little bit before deciding anything. It would also be good to find an attorney and find out what your rights are, but without taking action until you have calmed down enough to make decisions that are best for your family. A family law attorney will be able to tell you if a post nup with hold any weight or if it's a waste of time, money, and energy.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know you are reeling right now, but you will get calm again and you will okay. I know you want to control the situation and do something to make sure this never happens again, but keeping your wife from being able to work or leave the house is not the answer.
You are right to have all her passwords and to expect her to not go out of town or alone to events. I think if you listen to the book I recommended that it will help you clarify what is necessary and how you can begin to have peace of mind with appropriate boundaries that will give you the sense of stability that you need.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@RowdyFurious:
I'm confused. Was the sex preplanned, so Dave would give her a promotion or was it the result of poor/no boundaries when she got drunk?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> It was her resignation letter. She got the other pos fired.


OK. Did the resignation letter contain important information that you didn't already know? You seem to have gotten more disgusted with her after reading it.

Did the other man ask her or did she offer to have sex for help with a job transfer? Did it say that they had sex more than once or had a longer relationship? Was the story about being drunk at the party a lie? Did your wife show you the letter or was she hiding it from you?

We're trying to understand what your wife was doing and thinking to give you better advice and what the letter changed for you, but you don't have to answer those questions if you don't want to.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I just saw that you were saying your wife can’t work or go out without you. I agree with @Cynthia that would be too controlling. You don’t want to turn yourself into a father who controls his rebellious teenage daughter. There has to be a balance. I agree that you should have access to all of her devices and know where she’s going. 

Btw, can you please clarify, did she have drunken sex with this guy in her room at the company party or was this sober sex that she had to complete the “deal,”. Or was she involved in an affair for weeks or months?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Rowdy _needs_ to control things tightly for a minute. I get that. It can't be permanent, but it can be for tomorrow.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

jsmart said:


> I just saw that you were saying your wife can’t work or go out without you. I agree with @Cynthia that would be too controlling. You don’t want to turn yourself into a father who controls his rebellious teenage daughter. There has to be a balance.


I don't know. I'm confused.
The way that it was worded, I took that as meaning while they were in Cali.
It would be pointless for her to get a job, as they would be shortly moving to WV.
The short term nature of it, kind of makes it a moot point, in my mind.
However, he said now that he is staying in Redding.
Does that mean per the deal he made with the kids to plan for the move, or permanently?
There is a lack of clarity here that makes things hard to follow and understand.
The job thing short term? Not a big deal in my mind, given the circumstances.
Long term after the move? Agreed that that is a problem
Especially if he is seriously contemplating divorce.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

jsmart said:


> I just saw that you were saying your wife can’t work or go out without you. I agree with @Cynthia that would be too controlling. You don’t want to turn yourself into a father who controls his rebellious teenage daughter. There has to be a balance. I agree that you should have access to all of her devices and know where she’s going.
> 
> Btw, can you please clarify, did she have drunken sex with this guy in her room at the company party or was this sober sex that she had to complete the “deal,”. Or was she involved in an affair for weeks or months?


She lie about drunk see was sober it was just one time.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> She lie about drunk see was sober it was just one time.


this is really Fu ckup - she lied and she was about to get caught after she got fired. thats why she confessed

Divorce, dont work on anything with her


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Cynthia said:


> I think disallowing her to work or basically leave the house without you is highly controlling and abusive. I understand your pain and the difficulty you are dealing with, but making her an inmate isn't the answer. You want a happy healthy marriage. You won't get that if you squeeze the life out of your wife.
> It would be good for the two of you to get a book about healing from an affair. She should read it and do what it says. You should read it, so you can better understand the healing process. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful - Kindle edition by MacDonald, Linda, Lawless, Agnes, Riggio, Connie . Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.
> You can get it on audio and listen to it.
> 
> ...


I want to be here for my kids I trying to save my marriage she this consoler telling her to do think that are making me confused I want her to stop going. We need to get a new one and go together. She is woird about happened she won't stop I can't take it. We have to go together. How do I get her to understand this?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> She lie about drunk see was sober it was just one time.


Did he ask her to do it in exchange for the job help? In other words, was this his idea or your wife's idea?

Do any of the texts that you read on your wife's phone make more sense now that you know this?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> She is woird about happened she won't stop I can't take it.


What is she worried about?
Worried you are going to divorce?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

blackclover3 said:


> this is really Fu ckup - she lied and she was about to get caught after she got fired. thats why she confessed
> 
> Divorce, dont work on anything with her


No. It's highly unlikely that they would fire her, especially if they fired him for sexual harassment. 



RowdyFurious said:


> I want to be here for my kids I trying to save my marriage she this consoler telling her to do think that are making me confused I want her to stop going. We need to get a new one and go together. She is woird about happened she won't stop I can't take it. We have to go together. How do I get her to understand this?


I understand that you want her to stop with her current therapist. I would too, if I were you. 

When you get a marriage counselor, I recommend that you find one who recognizes that the problem in your marriage is your wife's adultery and your pain and shock over it.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I want to be here for my kids I trying to save my marriage she this consoler telling her to do think that are making me confused I want her to stop going. We need to get a new one and go together. She is woird about happened she won't stop I can't take it. We have to go together. How do I get her to understand this?


You need to tell her that if that counselor told her to lie to you, it made things worse, not better. That counselor is giving her bad advice that is hurting your marriage and making you trust her less. She should be worried that the counselor she is seeing is going to lead her to divorce.

You should let her see her own counselor. She may need that. But a different one.

You said you were going to see a VA counselor yourself on Friday. You may want to discuss it with that counselor if you do. They may have some advice for you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

RowdyFurious said:


> She lie about drunk see was sober it was just one time.


 damn, that sucks. It makes no sense for her to prostitute herself out for a promotion when she has a husband bringing home the bacon. 

My spidey senses are going off. With this guy being a past boyfriend, I find it hard to believe it was a one time thing. Maybe someone at the party saw him coming out of her room and threatened to rat them out, so they came up with this story if it being 1 time. Remember the POS also wants to try to save his marriage. So saying it was a 1 time will not be as bad as we have been having an affair for weeks/months.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> You need to tell her that if that counselor told her to lie to you, it made things worse, not better. That counselor is giving her bad advice that is hurting your marriage and making you trust her less. She should be worried that the counselor she is seeing is going to lead her to divorce.
> 
> You should let her see her own counselor. She may need that. But a different one.
> 
> You said you were going to see a VA counselor yourself on Friday. You may want to discuss it with that counselor if you do. They may have some advice for you.


Thank you


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> damn, that sucks. It makes no sense for her to prostitute herself out for a promotion when she has a husband bringing home the bacon.


It makes sense if she had already been intimate with her as a teenager and he did a hard-sell on her to do it. If she had been intimate with him in the past, she may have seen this as less of a big deal because he'd already "been there/done that" years ago. Part of her guilt is probably the realization that she prostituted herself for money and betrayed her husband, which she should have thought about before she did it.

That's why she may want to talk to an individual counselor alone, without her husband, to work out what she was thinking, why she did it, and the guilt she has from it. It may be hard to talk about with her husband until she's sorted it all out herself. But to do that correctly, she needs a counselor who will ask her to own her choices and understand them, not one that will tell her to lie to her husband and make excuses for what she did.



jsmart said:


> My spidey senses are going off. With this guy being a past boyfriend, I find it hard to believe it was a one time thing. Maybe someone at the party saw him coming out of her room and threatened to rat them out, so they came up with this story if it being 1 time. Remember the POS also wants to try to save his marriage. So saying it was a 1 time will not be as bad as we have been having an affair for weeks/months.


I don't think she would have turned him in when she resigned and then confessed to her husband if that was the case. Her husband has read her recovered texts on her phone and found a text by a friend telling her to tell him right away and get help. So that's consistent with her story. She got better advice from her friend than the counselor.

But until he gets her to take a polygraph test, it's possible she's still lying and those who don't trust her still might be able to say "I told you so!" The trickle truth may not be over. And if he does get her to agree to a polygraph test, he should ask her if she's cheated on him at any time while they were dating or married other than the one time with this guy that she admitted to. If she can honestly say "No" to that, then it seems unlikely she'll ever cheat again after this awful experience.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I think it's worth a try if she'll go along with it. He probably won't get them to say much without her there.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The key is @RowdyFurious shouldnt IMO push for polygraph or talking to the company or any thing else to rile up his wife until has consulted an attorney and is safely back in WV. Don’t stir the pot until ready to act. Dont threaten divorce until they are all safely in WV and he has an attorney there. Let wife believe all is moving her way toward a reconciliation. 

As usual there is lot of speculation about what actually happened. And all of it may be totally wrong. @RowdyFurious has all time he needs to sort this out, find out what he wants to knoe and decide a path forward. After he is back home in WV with his people.

@RowdyFurious, just curious what prompted your move to CA? Is that your wife’s home turf?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> Thank you


You should add that in a text you read, her friend told her to tell you immediately. Her friend gave her better advice than the "professional" counselor. 

The reason she may want to talk to a counselor alone without you is that she may need to understand why she made the bad choice she made, and talking that through honestly may be difficult with you in the room. It may help to let her talk to a different better counselor who won't let her lie and excuse what she did to understand herself better so she can explain herself better when you are together in marriage counseling. Letting her see a counselor alone herself isn't bad, but she needs a counselor who will make her face and understand her bad choices. She shouldn't stay with a counselor who tells her to lie to you or make excuses because that counselor will give her advice that will destroy her marriage with you.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> This is what I understand about what happened; for clarity, please let us know if I have this right:
> Your wife had a boyfriend, when she was a teenager, Dave. Dave recently started working at her company as a supervisor in a different department.
> The company has an annual work event that is held out of town. You normally go, but were unable to go this time due to having to work.
> At this company event, your wife got drunk and invited the ex-boyfriend up to her room, after his pregnant wife had gone to bed. She had drunken sex with the ex-boyfriend.
> ...


Rowdy, please read this quote above from Cynthia closely, and let us know if this is a good synopsis of what happened. The story has become rather convoluted and I think a lot of people commenting don't know for sure what happened. Until a few pages ago I thought this was all about a drunken holiday party sexual tryst that wouldn't have happened if you were there, or if she hadn't got drunk, but it now appears that there might have been some pre-planning, or an on the spot decision by your WW, while NOT drunk, to sleep with this man, possibly because she wanted a move to his department... This is really confusing.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

[


RowdyFurious said:


> I want to be here for my kids I trying to save my marriage she this consoler telling her to do think that are making me confused I want her to stop going. We need to get a new one and go together. She is woird about happened she won't stop I can't take it. We have to go together. How do I get her to understand this?


I would hope by now she has figured out for herself that her counselor suffers from delusions of adequacy.
If she hasn't you may need to point it out for her.
Your wife needs some relatively heavy duty counseling from someone who is specifically trained in dealing with infidelity.
She needs this, and it is something that she needs to do by herself, for herself, as well as for her kids and you.
These people are not on every street corner. You need to reach out to someone that you can trust to vet counselors who can find a couple. You can then give her the list, and she can pick one.
You can probably attend the first session to make sure they get the complete story, but then you need to step back and let them do their thing.
You need some counseling to deal with the trauma and stress that you have experienced throughout this event.
IMO, about the last thing you need right now is a Marriage Counselor. You did nothing wrong, she is the one who screwed up. Unless you want to be assessed 50% of the blame, stay away from them. When she gets her issues sorted, and you are able to cope better, some MC may be in order if the two of you decide to stay together.
Keep these differences straight in your mind. Remember, there is a reason you don't go to a proctologist for nasal drip.

The best way to handle her is to get the book I mentioned previously about affairs. Read it and give it to her to read. Sit down with her and work out a path to get through this. You two need to set up some boundaries for both your sakes. These boundaries are to give her some direction as to what you need, and to provide you some comfort. Some may be harsh (such as no Job outside the house for instance.) They may be okay as a stop gap measure, but would not be appropriate for the long term. Others will be longer term or permanent, such as no GNO's or bars without you., as an example.There may be other steps necessary for her to implement to restore trust. Frankly, she'll just have to suck it up and take her medicine. That's just the cost for her actions. She needs to repair the damage and clean up her mess. Settle for nothing less for both you and the kids.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

My daughter a legal adult in California 18 right


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> My daughter a legal adult in California 18 right


 That is legal age, as long as she's not drinking.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Ok I going to let her come with me.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> Rowdy, please read this quote above from Cynthia closely, and let us know if this is a good synopsis of what happened. The story has become rather convoluted and I think a lot of people commenting don't know for sure what happened. Until a few pages ago I thought this was all about a drunken holiday party sexual tryst that wouldn't have happened if you were there, or if she hadn't got drunk, but it now appears that there might have been some pre-planning, or an on the spot decision by your WW, while NOT drunk, to sleep with this man, possibly because she wanted a move to his department... This is really confusing.


Rowdy should reply to this, but I'm going to try to save him some time by summarizing from his texts because I think I've been following this pretty well (I could be wrong). I'm going to add some commentary in square brackets "[]". If anything is wrong in here, please let me know and I'll try to correct it.

I'm going to use standard abbreviations for the people involved (calling both OM and WW "POS" might be confusing):

OM = Other Man
WW = Wayward Wife
BH = Betrayed Husband = Rowdy
OMW = Other Man's Wife
Note that throughout this, BH sometimes wants to stay married and work this out and other times wants to divorce. This is normal for a betrayed spouse, but I'm not going to include that in the summary below unless it's relevant to what's happening. I'm shifting some of the revelation timing around to keep like information together, particularly concerning the original cheating story.

---

WW tells BH (a little over 2 weeks ago) that she cheated on him with co-worker OM. This stuns him so badly he doesn't really hear anything else WW said that day. He leaves, gets a hotel room, takes two weeks off of work, and doesn't return home. He texts WW that he's not ready to come back yet. His kids don't know why he left and want him to return home. At the end of the two weeks, he posts here and then returns to work.

People advise BH to return home. He texts his WW. WW tells him she will do anything he needs and it's her fault. He's having mind movies. First he goes to Urgent Care for an STD test as advised here. When he gets home, WW is home and he wonders why she isn't at work. She tells him OM's name, tells him OM is married, and says she doesn't know if his wife knows. BH tells WW that they will find OM's wife and tell her.

WW says she confessed because she felt guilty and couldn't live with it. WW said she has been going to a counselor but the counselor told her not to tell him about her cheating. She says she felt guilty and had to tell him, anyway.

WW tells him that sex happened one time. WW says she was drunk and the sex was unprotected. WW is on birth control. It happened a month earlier at a company party in LA that WW attended but BH couldn't attend because of work. BH is angry that his wife didn't tell him immediately and he had sex with WW after OM, but not on the same day. The next day, BH adds that he party was out of town in Los Angeles and she had a hotel room. They had a fight that day. WW tells him that she was mad and drank too much. [Being drunk turns out to be a lie later on. If she cheated at this hotel, which is still unclear to me, WW may have been angry at herself for planning to betray BH or subconsciously angry that he wasn't there to save her from making a bad choice. - QA] BH also adds the next day that OM used to date WW years ago as teenagers. They worked in different office buildings.

WW said she resigned her job and told them why she resigned. The next day, BH says WW explained she was tired of company events with drinking and young single women getting drunk around her. [This turns out to not be the reason she resigned - QA] BH doesn't trust WW and wonders if she's fired, leading to him to continue to investigate this angle.

WW worked for company for 3 years. OWM said OM started worked for the company 6 months ago. BH didn't want WW working at all because he felt that was his responsibility. WW wanted to get out of teh house. WW called him a male chauvinist pig. BH lost that argument because he gave in. 

BH makes an appointment with a VA counselor for Friday. He ways he's going to tell WW to fire her counselor. BH likens what he's feeling to the shell shock he experienced as a combat veteran.

The next day WW tells their kids what she did. BH tells them that he has their backs. He says it was difficult seeing the expressions on his children's faces.

BH brings WW's phone to a person he knows in IT and that person recovers deleted texts for him. He reads the text. A lot of it is chit-chat between women. Finds a text from one of WW's women friends telling WW to tell BH right away [This is better advice than she got from her counselor. - QA] and to go get help [May be why she started seeing the counselor who told her to lie - QA]. BH wishes she'd told him immediately.

He texted the husband of her woman friend, who is a friend of BH. [I don't think we've heard if he replied - QA]

BH gets OMW's address. BH and WW go to see OWM after their children get home from school. They tell OWM and find out she's pregnant. OMW was at the party asleep in her room when the cheating happened. [If it happened at the party. That's not clear now. - QA] BH gives OWM his number. WW tells BH she didn't know OMW was pregnant and didn't take it well. OWM also didn't take the news well but her sister came to help her.

The next day, OMW tells BH that OM was fired by sending him an image of his termination letter, which says it was for sexual harassment. TAM posters explain what that means and start speculating about what might have happened. BH says OM was a supervisor. BH says WW quit 4 weeks ago. [Not long after the out-of-town party - QA] Her resignation was before his firing. This fueled more digging by BH.

BH finds WW's resignation letter. He finds out that WW had been talking to OM about getting transferred to his department to make more money. He requested "payment". [It's implied by that the "payment" was sexual. - QA] Her letter explained enough to get him fired. BH finds out that WW was actually sober but it looks like sex was just one time. [WW's early story about being drunk and resigning for other reasons collapses - QA]

When the wife confessed, she was still lying but her lies concerning being drunk and her resignation were to hide that she decided to cheat while sober, but may have been persuaded into it by OM with offers for a better job. Everything else she said seems to line up pretty well with the evidence in the resignation and termination letters and what he found in her texts. Hopefully WW will finally be honest with BH so that no more lies are revealed.

Unknowns or uncertainties at this point (for me): 

Did WW agree to have sex for the job help?
Did OM request the sex from her as payment?
Did WW and OM have a sexual relationship as teenagers and was that a factor in what happened?
Did OM request WW do anything unusual as payment or just vanilla sex?
When did WW start feeling guilty?
Did WW's woman friend's husband ever get in contact with BH?
Concerning BH's feelings about WW, staying married or divorcing, and staying in California or going to West Virginia, he's gone back and forth quite a bit. That's not uncommon for betrayed spouses, especially before all of the truth comes out. He's likely simulanously in love with his wife yet disgusted by her. He wants to keep his family together but wants to stay away from his wife. He doesn't want to disrupt his children but wants to be closer to his family in West Virginia. He's weighing options and going back and forth on them. I think the best advise is to talk to counselors and lawyers and spend time considering his options. He should also keep his wife cooperative, because that makes a lot of things easier.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I want to be here for my kids I trying to save my marriage she this consoler telling her to do think that are making me confused I want her to stop going. We need to get a new one and go together. She is woird about happened she won't stop I can't take it. We have to go together. How do I get her to understand this?


Ok friend, the ball is in your court now. Get the kids out of the house, to other friends or family. Set her down, tell her no more bull&#*t! This is it. You either spill it all now or shes history! Tell her she's already damaged everything. By what she's already admitted to you, then waiting, lying about how it happened, then trying to cover her ass. This is where the rubber meets the road friend. Hard pill to swallow, but all the folks here will 100% agree to this. CHEATERS, LIE, LIE AND LIE MORE! As painful as this has been already, she's not telling you the truth and you know it. I know your heightened senses say this. She did this and didn't even blink an eye to come home and sleep with you, be a wife and mother, till she knew there was no way to hide it. Your also thinking just how many times did you do this with that man. You need to feel your anger, controlled of course. Let it fuel you at getting the whole truth. Either she spills it all exactly as it happened or life as she knows it ends.
Like you I gotta question just how the heck more did you do? How can she even look you and your children in the eyes and say she loves you? She sure as hell wasn't thinking that in the other guys bed! Now she thinks being a bit sorry can make it all better. You have to be strong and brace yourself for the real truth. Its gonna be ugly and hurtful RowdyFurious. You must have all the truth to decide your life now. She obviously thinks she's smarter you. She has so disrespected you and your family! 
Don't let her slide another day, another hour or another minute till she tells you the full truth. She sure as hell owes you that damn much!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

RowdyFurious said:


> She lie about drunk see was sober it was just one time.


So her sleeping with him NOT DRUNK was to try and get him to transfer her to HIS department?


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> It makes sense if she had already been intimate with her as a teenager and he did a hard-sell on her to do it. If she had been intimate with him in the past, she may have seen this as less of a big deal because he'd already "been there/done that" years ago. Part of her guilt is probably the realization that she prostituted herself for money and betrayed her husband, which she should have thought about before she did it.
> 
> That's why she may want to talk to an individual counselor alone, without her husband, to work out what she was thinking, why she did it, and the guilt she has from it. It may be hard to talk about with her husband until she's sorted it all out herself. But to do that correctly, she needs a counselor who will ask her to own her choices and understand them, not one that will tell her to lie to her husband and make excuses for what she did.
> 
> ...


This isn't about "told you so"! This is many peoples lives being destroyed as we all type messages. I want nothing more than this didnt even happen, but ti did. Now I just want him to know the real truth, whatever that may be, so he has the ability to make the choices needed for him and his family moving forward!
This isn't for our entertainment and again I ask for consideration, for his feelings to be remembered!!


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

She knows how block numbers. Finally some piece.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

MegaTbone said:


> This isn't about "told you so"! This is many peoples lives being destroyed as we all type messages. I want nothing more than this didnt even happen, but ti did. Now I just want him to know the real truth, whatever that may be, so he has the ability to make the choices needed for him and his family moving forward!


I didn't say it was. And I'm very aware real lives are at stake. The problem is that we don't always know what happened and fill in the blanks with assumptions, not necessarily the real truth. I also want him to know the real truth, and he's not going to find that by ignoring the evidence. That's why I sent him information via private message about polygraph tests and why I suggested he ask if she's ever cheating on him at any other time in their marriage if she takes one.



MegaTbone said:


> This isn't for our entertainment and again I ask for consideration, for his feelings to be remembered!!


I am very aware of his feelings and have been considering them. There are things I've speculated about that I haven't mentioned and questions I haven't asked in this thread because of that. Is asking a man suffering from mind movies to imagine his wife doing the worst considerate of his feelings? When you tell him to imagine the worst of his wife and then say "You need to feel your anger," are you being considerate of his feelings or are you manipulating them? Does everything you said about his wife to make him angry really fit the evidence he's presented or are you simply assuming the worst regardless of the evidence?

I get the motivation behind assuming the worst. Often there is worse, and assuming it spares people from false hope. But I don't think every infidelity case is identical nor does every cheater does the worst. I don't assume the wife in this case is an evil witch waiting to cheat again. But I also don't assume she's being fully honest and may very well be an evil cheater who hides it well. Until we know more, both are possible and should be considered. I don't prefer one over the other. What would make me the most happy here is if @RowdyFurious finds peace and happiness for himself and his family, and I don't think we have enough evidence to assume that only way he'll do that is via divorce or despising his wife. And, yes, it's fair to point out that he might be burned if he doesn't assume the worst.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> She knows how block numbers. Finally some piece.


Glad you're getting peace.

Everybody and their brother wants to snoop on the gossip at times like this. Is that what it was?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> She knows how block numbers. Finally some piece.


Who did she have to block?


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I didn't say it was. And I'm very aware real lives are at stake. The problem is that we don't always know what happened and fill in the blanks with assumptions, not necessarily the real truth. I also want him to know the real truth, and he's not going to find that by ignoring the evidence. That's why I sent him information via private message about polygraph tests and why I suggested he ask if she's ever cheating on him at any other time in their marriage if she takes one.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What I'm saying is that its not doing any good to just be.strung along like this. She.needs to tell him all, nothing spared.so he can figure out where he stands. That channel that anger to be strong in the face of all of this. To give it purpose, not just blind rage.
As far as the.paytons place... there are multiple responses digging for more, or speculating here, when best to speculate quietly or suggest private message. If folks are confused by some of his answers, then imagine his own confusion! We all need to help not stretch it out. He'll say what he says in his own time as he understands it.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

She wouldn't stop trying to talk she wouldn't so I Gor bag my daughter dad I coming with you I found out it legal I told ok. Now we are at hotel. work gave me 1 month leave paid. Tomorrow we are going to west Virginia. My son wants to come but it's not legal.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

She won't stop calling so my daughter block her on both are phones


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Oh shoot.

You're going to W Virginia without your wife?

This sounds like trouble for you.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

I’m so confused. OP, you really need to find a way to deescalate yourself before you make all these snap decisions. You are all over the place.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

MegaTbone said:


> What I'm saying is that its not doing any good to just be.strung along like this. She.needs to tell him all, nothing spared.so he can figure out where he stands.


I get that and agree with you. She needs to understand that she must come fully clean to him sooner rather than later. The lies are making things worse all around and are torturing him. Normally, I'd agree that threatening divorce and playing hardball can be a great way to do that.

In this case, however, he has a wife who has said she'll do whatever he wants and has largely delivered except for her dishonesty about what happened, which he found out anyway. Is there more? Maybe. You might say almost certainly. That's why I suggested a polygraph test. But if he pushes her too far and she believes divorce is inevitable, her motivation for being cooperative could end. *She *might be the one filing for divorce. He has children and family lands in West Virginia to protect. As I explained earlier, i watched a friend go through a hostile divorce in California. It was very expensive and he wound up stuck there and is still there. If he gets divorced there on her terms, it could be bad for him.

As such, I think his best shot at getting the truth (my opinion, he should hear other opinions and do what he thinks is best) and controlling what happens to his marriage is asking for a polygraph test. It will also act as leverage to get her to be fully honest and he can learn a lot if she refuses to take one. I think that's less likely to blow up on him.



MegaTbone said:


> That channel that anger to be strong in the face of all of this. To give it purpose, not just blind rage.


I understand it, which is why I didn't call you out on it in a reply to it. I understand it's well intentioned. And I can't be 100% sure you are wrong. You might be right. But you are encouraging him to feel anger, which could backfire if he becomes enraged. It could also damage the possibility of reconciliation if his wife really is suitable reconciliation material by causing him to doubt it and resent her. Yes, I really do think about this because I know real lives are at stake here. As you pointed out, this isn't a game.



MegaTbone said:


> As far as the.paytons place... there are multiple responses digging for more, or speculating here, when best to speculate quietly or suggest private message. If folks are confused by some of his answers, then imagine his own confusion! We all need to help not stretch it out. He'll say what he says in his own time as he understands it.


I think a lot of the confusion comes from people jumping in and not reading everything. Yes, he writes in short bursts but I think the important information is usually there. I don't think he's been that hard to follow, which is why I compiled a summary that I hope he'll review and suggest corrections for if I am wrong. My goal isn't to stretch this out. It's to make sure he doesn't close the door on keeping his family together, something he's said he wants to at least consider and his children seem to very much want, until he's reasonably sure that won't be possible. That needn't be drawn out forever, which is why I recommended the polygraph test approach.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> She wouldn't stop trying to talk she wouldn't so I Gor bag my daughter dad I coming with you I found out it legal I told ok. Now we are at hotel. work gave me 1 month leave paid. Tomorrow we are going to west Virginia. My son wants to come but it's not legal.


You may want to rethink this one.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> She wouldn't stop trying to talk she wouldn't so I Gor bag my daughter dad I coming with you I found out it legal I told ok. Now we are at hotel. work gave me 1 month leave paid. Tomorrow we are going to west Virginia. My son wants to come but it's not legal.


What is your goal in West Virginia? Why are you going there now?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I going to take 1 month vacation with my daughter.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I going to take 1 month vacation with my daughter.


Is it OK for your daughter to miss 1 month of school?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

She can do it online.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I get that and agree with you. She needs to understand that she must come fully clean to him sooner rather than later. The lies are making things worse all around and are torturing him. Normally, I'd agree that threatening divorce and playing hardball can be a great way to do that.
> 
> In this case, however, he has a wife who has said she'll do whatever he wants and has largely delivered except for her dishonesty about what happened, which he found out anyway. Is there more? Maybe. You might say almost certainly. That's why I suggested a polygraph test. But if he pushes her too far and she believes divorce is inevitable, her motivation for being cooperative could end. *She *might be the one filing for divorce. He has children and family lands in West Virginia to protect. As I explained earlier, i watched a friend go through a hostile divorce in California. It was very expensive and he wound up stuck there and is still there. If he gets divorced there on her terms, it could be bad for him.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry if the anger part is misinterpreted, I only mean to allow the anger he feels to stand up for himself and his family. Not to display it.im.sure as you have said it would not do good here. Just use it to fuel.himself at forging ahead to seek the answers he needs to figure this all out. Sorry about the confusion to you and especially to our man in need.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> She can do it online.


Make sure she does her work so you can be proud of her graduating high school.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

MegaTbone said:


> I'm sorry if the anger part is misinterpreted, I only mean to allow the anger he feels to stand up for himself and his family. Not to display it.im.sure as you have said it would not do good here. Just use it to fuel.himself at forging ahead to seek the answers he needs to figure this all out. Sorry about the confusion to you and especially to our man in need.


You really don't need to explain it to me. I'm OK with it. I understand what you were doing. You are trying to give him the resolve to confront her and get answers. And I understand why people are pessimists about cheaters and assume the worst. A lot of people who don't get hurt badly by being betrayed again (and again and again...).

But I think the evidence we have so far (not just her word but the termination and resignation letters covering things she's been lying about) is that she did something pretty terrible (traded sex for a job upgrade) but she felt internal guilt and blew it all up herself, terminating her job, getting her AP fired for sexual harassment, and confessing to her husband. Yeah, she still might be an awful person, may still be lying about a lot more, and may have cheated other times, but I think, given the evidence, things point to her being a decent reconciliation candidate (if that's what the OP decides he wants -- it's up to him) so I think it's premature ask him to think only the worst of her.

And that could be wrong, in which case you and others could say you were right. That's most of what I meant by "I told you so."


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Your daughter is awesome. She got her Dad's back

Unlike some poster here, his daughter knew about her mom affair was afraid to tell her dad.

You are doing good. Move away from her

I wish I understood you better, you are like me, when im angry and nervous my typing is everywhere


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> You may want to rethink this one.


If he has one month of paid leave and his daughter can do her work online, I think he may have thought it through more than a lot of people are probably assuming. This will give him a chance to talk to and get support from his family, cool down a bit about his wife, let his daughter see what he has in mind in West Virginia, talk to a lawyer there, and maybe look at job opportunities or housing there if he's still considering relocating before he makes his final decision about what he wants to do.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> You really don't need to explain it to me. I'm OK with it. I understand what you were doing. You are trying to give him the resolve to confront her and get answers. And I understand why people are pessimists about cheaters and assume the worst. A lot of people who don't get hurt badly by being betrayed again (and again and again...).
> 
> But I think the evidence we have so far (not just her word but the termination and resignation letters covering things she's been lying about) is that she did something pretty terrible (traded sex for a job upgrade) but she felt internal guilt and blew it all up herself, terminating her job, getting her AP fired for sexual harassment, and confessing to her husband. Yeah, she still might be an awful person, may still be lying about a lot more, and may have cheated other times, but I think, given the evidence, things point to her being a decent reconciliation candidate (if that's what the OP decides he wants -- it's up to him) so I think it's premature ask him to think only the worst of her.
> 
> And that could be wrong, in which case you and others could say you were right. That's most of what I meant by "I told you so."


Dude I don't think guilt. Someone found out, HR investigated and she decided to confess to husband and twist her story before someone else tell him.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I going to take 1 month vacation with my daughter.


Separation from your wife will do you good. Clear your head.

But, It's a big step.

It probably will be hard to come back from.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> She wouldn't stop trying to talk she wouldn't so I Gor bag my daughter dad I coming with you I found out it legal I told ok. Now we are at hotel. work gave me 1 month leave paid. Tomorrow we are going to west Virginia. My son wants to come but it's not legal.


Suggestions:

Tell your wife that being with her is driving you crazy right now because of what she did and it's good for both of you and the chances of you staying together for you to have some time to cool down, relax, and think things over.
Remind her that she told you she will do anything you need when you came back. Tell her you need this.
Promise her that you'll come back in a month (your son is with her, so you will, anyway). 
If you haven't already, tell her that you will be paid and your daughter can do her school work.
Tell her that you expect her to avoid contact with the other man while you are gone and to not cheat with anyone else. If you talk to your son, tell him that you expect that from his mother, too.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> Dude I don't think guilt. Someone found out, HR investigated and she decided to confess to husband and twist her story before someone else tell him.


It's possible as pure speculation. Her counselor was telling her to keep it hidden and lie about it. She also could have claimed the AP was a predator that forced her into sex. She had a lot of easier ways out if she was looking for one. The thing that we know she lied about was the thing she would have feared would make divorce a certainty -- that she decided to cheat while sober -- she made a clear choice. If someone was waiting to tattle on her, we haven't seen any evidence of it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> If he has one month of paid leave and his daughter can do her work online, I think he may have thought it through more than a lot of people are probably assuming. This will give him a chance to talk to and get support from his family, cool down a bit about his wife, let his daughter see what he has in mind in West Virginia, talk to a lawyer there, and maybe look at job opportunities or housing there if he's still considering relocating before he makes his final decision about what he wants to do.


Hopefully he has thought it through and has an objective.
Because it looks like he's all over the place at the moment.
Time away might help him tighten things up.
He can accomplish the info gathering he needs to at this point via phone.
With the most recent drop of info, I don't think that he really needs to go to her office anymore.
The one parent one kid dynamic could be interesting for a whole month.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Suggestions:
> 
> Tell your wife that being with her is driving you crazy right now because of what she did and it's good for both of you and the chances of you staying together for you to have some time to cool down, relax, and think things over.
> Remind her that she told you she will do anything you need when you came back. Tell her you need this.
> ...


I'd recommend communicating to her via text or e-mail, so you have a record of it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

blackclover3 said:


> Dude I don't think guilt. Someone found out, HR investigated and she decided to confess to husband and twist her story before someone else tell him.


It'll shake out in due time.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Also, tell her to interview other counselors for her to see alone while you are gone. Tell her that she needs to find a counselor who will help her understand why she made the mistakes she made, acknowledge how much it hurt you and not just her, and will not tell her to lie to you. She does not need a counselor who will tell her to lie to you or will make excuses for her bad choices. You may also want to specify a woman counselor so she's not spending hours alone pouring her heart out to a man. You want her to have a counselor that will help her, not do more damage to your marriage. Tell her that you expect her to have a different counselor in a month. Again remind her that she told you she will do anything you need when you came back. 

Doing all of this via text sounds like a good idea.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

My wife finally got the message. She Is not going to see pos consoler anymore. Hers and mine will the same person we chose together. So I can trust when she talks behind back. I will see her in a month. I like talking to her friend she got my back.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Did your wife have sex with the guy to get a promotion, or because she just wanted to, or both?


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Did your wife have sex with the guy to get a promotion, or because she just wanted to, or both?


to get a promotion


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

That’s got to be a lot to wrap one’s head around.
I’d say both. Because surely no amount of money would be worth breaking her wedding vows and giving up her husband’s greatest treasure— his wife’s fidelity.

gotta say this is the first time I’ve ever heard of such a thing.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> to get a promotion


But also she wanted too. You know that right?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> That’s got to be a lot to wrap one’s head around.
> I’d say both. Because surely no amount of money would be worth breaking her wedding vows and giving up her husband’s greatest treasure— his wife’s fidelity.
> 
> gotta say this is the first time I’ve ever heard of such a thing.


Yea, I’m with you and beyond that her having sober sex for a promotion to a higher paying team doesn’t pass the smell test. I could see if she was a desperate single mom but a married mother with a husband who’s making enough for her not to work? Throw in that he was a past boyfriend and I think she wanted to be with him and I’m also not sold that it was only once. Even though I hope I’m wrong because even what he’s been told is bad enough. 

I’m glad he was able to get a month off. That will give him time to get his plans into action and most importantly, clear his head. His daughter is so concerned about him, that she’s willing to leave school on her senior year to give him emotional support. That is love.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I don't know take this double betrayal can I fill in West Virginia or do I fill in California.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I don't know take this double betrayal can I fill in West Virginia or do I fill in California.


The state that will give you the fastest divorce 

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you guys


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

42 and 40


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I don't know take this double betrayal can I fill in West Virginia or do I fill in California.


Your legal residence is in CA. You'll have to file in CA. If you can hold out until you move to WV, then you could probably file there.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

**** California. I going to be taken for every cent.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Good news she can't take my land in west Virginia.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I going to fill before I leave. Come back for the court date. Hopefully I don't have to stay in California.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’d say both. Because surely no amount of money would be worth breaking her wedding vows and giving up her husband’s greatest treasure— his wife’s fidelity.
> 
> gotta say this is the first time I’ve ever heard of such a thing.


Given that she had dated the guy as a teenager, I'm guessing that was also part of it, especially if they'd been intimate with each other back then, especially if he'd been a "first" at something with her (even if it was just a kiss or touching). She also turned 40 and her daughter is about to graduate high school and possibly leave for college, so the whole midlife crisis thing was probably also in play. And then she was also a housewife who only recently entered the job market in an office full of younger single women who she may have compared herself to. If the cheating did happen at the party and they did have a fight and she was mad at him, that could also have been a factor.

So I think it's unlikely that she had sex only for a job upgrade but that may have helped her justify other feelings she wanted to act on or vice-versa. I personally suspect the other man used the sex for promotion idea to help him get into her pants but that's purely speculation on my part. It doesn't have to be just one thing. And most of those things are common factors in cheating wife stories. That may be what she's been trying to figure out or deal with a counselor. She probably needs one, but not one that will tell her to lie to her husband or tell her that what she did was OK.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Did the cheating happen in the hotel during the party or did it happen somewhere else? Did her resignation letter have any details?


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I going to fill before I leave. Come back for the court date. Hopefully I don't have to stay in California.


If the court splits custody of our son between you and your wife, they may make it hard for you to take your son out of California. They can restrict taking children outside of the state. That's what happened to my friend. They wouldn't give him custody in a way where he could leave California and be with his children and he's still there, years later. You and your daughter (who is an adult) may be able to leave California once you divorce but you may not be able to take your son with you if you divorce in California and your wife doesn't let you. Be careful of that and talk to the lawyer about it. It looks like you need to live in West Virginia for a year before you can file there.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

**** I can't take year of ****.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I hope the lawyer tells my I can go no contact with soon to be ex wife.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

RowdyFurious said:


> I don't know take this double betrayal can I fill in West Virginia or do I fill in California.


 You generally have to live for a certain amount of time in a state as a married couple to be able to file for divorce in that state. The time you have to live together may vary from state to state.

I don't expect that you could just leave your wife in California, move to West Virginia, and file in West Virginia. You would either have to file in California, or you would both have to move to West Virginia, and then after you have lived there for the required time, you could file in West Virginia.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

RowdyFurious said:


> I going to fill before I leave. Come back for the court date. Hopefully I don't have to stay in California.


Did you talk to a lawyer about this? You really should talk to a lawyer before you commit to any plan.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Did you talk to a lawyer about this? You really should talk to a lawyer before you commit to any plan.


I definitely talking to lawyer in morning to find out how never have to see that pos again.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I'm thinking about filling in California I want over quickly.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

she just had to keep seeing that pos consoler that told her lie. She dead to me.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

To bad my son is 18 I could go home. Like always I have to misarble.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

The thing I told need she keep doing I will never trust that pos.


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## RowdyFurious (4 d ago)

I'm sick I tell my doughter to take to hospital.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I'm sick I tell my doughter to take to hospital.


Oh no! 
I hope all is well Rowdy!

This stuff is high stress, it takes a toll on a person.

I’m glad your daughter is there.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

RowdyFurious said:


> I'm sick I tell my doughter to take to hospital.


Best wishes. Hope you are well soon.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> I'm thinking about filling in California I want over quickly.


I will just say that legal proceedings in CA are glacial. So if speed is what you want that isn't the place. Slow, lots of billable hours, expensive. 

I am concerned that you are making major decisions that will affect you for years based on the emotions in the moment. Have you been to the VA to talk with a counselor? Based on what you have learned, you want to be loose from your wife ASAP. But that isn't likely to be possible given two children with her and the length of your marriage. What if you slow things down, swallow the anger and all of you move back to WV. She said she would do anything you ask. Exploit that to put yourself and your kids in a better position going forward. Play the long game. Because like it or not that is the only game you can play.

If she happens to decide all is lost, finds attorney in CA and files on you, it will be a disaster. CA doesn't care about adultery. They are going to start at taking half of whatever you have. Plus spousal support. Plus child support.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree with Rus. You need to slow down. You’re going to drive yourself crazy. If you want to relocate back to West Virginia, then you need to plan it out. Go visit with some family to get loved on and look for a job over there and look for a place. Then come back and reassess things with your wife. 

You may find that after some time away that you don’t want her back but most likely, you will still have strong feelings for her and may want to try R. Especially if she continues to fight for you. 

What she did is F’d up but we have had people successfully reconcile after much worse betrayals. So it doesn’t have to be the end. So for now, please slow down.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RowdyFurious said:


> *** I can't take year of ***.


You’d be better off taking a year of crap than taking years of it. Move where you actually want to live, then file a year later. Even if you’re not living with her, you’re still sharing kids and will have to deal with her. They don’t just go away.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RowdyFurious said:


> *** I can't take year of ***.


You really need to play the long game here.
You don't want to be in Cali.
If you file in Cali, not only will you lock yourself there for probably 6 years (until son turns 18,) you will potentially cost yourself a huge amount of money, not only in fees, but in alimony stipulations that are excessive.
Cali is not only an extraordinarily expensive place to live, but an exceptionally expensive place to get divorced.
Even then, it still could take you over a year to get divorced.
If you can get everyone to WV, you will have family support, a lower cost of living,and divorce laws that can be nowhere near as oppressive as Cali.
You have been through a lot right now, and your emotions are frayed. However the Wife appears to be compliant. Use that to your advantage. Get to WV, and lay the foundation. Have a workable postnup worked out, that is favorable to you and will legally stand up. Let things settle a bit, get your feet under you and see where things go. Maybe she can do the work, become a safe spouse, and redeem herself. Who knows? Weirder things have happened before.
You may still want out, and nobody can blame you if that is the case. Utilize the preparation you did previously, and divorce.
However make decisions with your head, not with your emotions.
Build the life you want, where you want, but only do it once.
Do it thoughtfully, and do it to your advantage.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Rowdy, this woman is messing with your head.

You need to get yourself under control. Show your children the mature and cool under fire person you are trained to be.

Provide stability for your children, while you move on from your wife.

She cheated, she should leave, not you.

I know it sounds easier to just file in CA, but you will regret entering that process. Do it in WV.

Channel your anger toward the tasks at hand, don't allow her to mess up your job.

Make a plan by writing out a timeline of tasks, in order they need to be done, then execute the plan. Step by Step.

Hit the gym to burn off steam. Minimize alcohol intake.

The way you handle the next few months will have life long repercussions for you and your kids.

You got this.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

RowdyFurious said:


> *** I can't take year of ***.


There have been many men on TAM who swung back and forth from wanting to never see their WW again to wanting to Reconcile. In space of days, sometimes hours.

You are very early in a very long journey. Sorry, that is just how it is. So avoid shooting yourself in the foot. Going no contact will just drive your wife into a corner. Don’t do that! It will bite you big time.

You being a machinist you have no doubt heard to measure three times, mark place to cut twice, and make the cut once. Slow down. Mull your options, stay calm. Consult experts, friends and relatives in real life. Call your people in WV and share what is going on, consult with them often. Think about possible consequences before doing.

In your shoes, I would want to keep wife friendly and complient as long as possible. Once she sees an attorney she will become your worst enemy. Her attorney will prompt her to go for the jugular.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Just go up knock on the door is what I did. I thought a phone call was insufficient





RowdyFurious said:


> ... And she will sign a postnuptial agreement darn up by lawyer here sho what is mine is mine. What is hers is hers. Eavin custy. We split the value of the house in California. I pay no alimony if we do decide to divorce. So it fair. Do you think she would accept this?


She may accept and you may accept but the court will need a judge to make sure it it is a fair agreement. The state doesn't care if she cheated or not, they are interested in if possible making sure that she will not need to go on the dole because of this divorce. The state would rather y'all split up your $$$ equitably rather than getting support from the good people of the Golden State.....


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> There have been many men on TAM who swung back and forth from wanting to never see their WW again to wanting to Reconcile. In space of days, sometimes hours.
> 
> You are very early in a very long journey. Sorry, that is just how it is. So avoid shooting yourself in the foot. Going no contact will just drive your wife into a corner. Don’t do that! It will bite you big time.
> 
> ...


Yep

keep her friendly as much as possible


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## Hurthusband77 (May 9, 2021)

Rowdy, first, thank you for your service, and I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Others have provided great advice, I wanted to say slow down, take some time away, and consult a lawyer in WV and California about the potential positives and negatives about filing in California vs.WV. In not American but I have friends in California and from what I understand, it can be brutal and costly in California. Best to consult a couple of lawyers before you make any decisions.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

blackclover3 said:


> The state that will give you the fastest divorce


Does Nevada still do quickie divorces? Or was that just a myth?
AFAIK you need to be a resident of a state to get a divorce.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@RowdyFurious , I have a quick, relevant question. You say that you own property in West Virginia. Does that property have a house on it? Is there an address to that property? Were you and your wife married in West Virginia? 

See, the answers to questions like these make a HUGE DIFFERENCE in your divorce proceedings. If you WV property has a house/cabin and it has an address, and you've been the homeowner paying the taxes on that property...that may qualify as "residency" in WV and you might be able to file there without waiting a year. If you and your wife were married in WV you can get a divorce as long as one of you lives in West Virginia at the time the divorce is filed (so if you move back to the cabin on the property and file...that could qualify for you to legally file in WV now). It doesn't matter how long either spouse has lived in the state...or out of the state. 

No matter what--whether in CA or WV--your best bet at a quick divorce is going to be uncontested, no-fault divorce. That means you and your STBXW (Soon To Be Ex Wife) agree on division of assets and debts, child support and alimony, and custody...and you file essentially jointly that the divorce should be granted due to irreconcilable differences. BUT to file like that, a) your STBXW needs to be wanting to work with you and sort of agreeable, and b) you would not be filing due to adultery and thus custody would probably be 50/50 for your son. If you try to get "full custody" based on proving she committed adultery--you will lengthen the divorce and thus lengthen your suffering. 

Yes, I think it's more than reasonable to get away from your STBX wife for a little while and clear your head from this ongoing madness. No, I do NOT think it's wise to make decisions like "I'm moving to WV today" "I'm only taking one child today" "I'm filing for divorce in CA today". I believe your emotions are running SUPER HIGH (and reasonably so). Give yourself a couple days or a week of relative peace where your common sense and reason can kick back in. Look up the divorce laws in CA and WV. Look up some attorneys. Get to the VA counselor. Take a little time...don't rush this. Be WISE, not fast.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

PSA

I was wondering how OP was doing or if he'd been back.
He logged in 6 1/2 hrs after the post about going to the hospital.

So I'm guessing fine.

/PSA


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