# Head is spinning



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Please advise. 

I have been a silent observer for about a year now. I now need advice though. 

I have been married to my wife for about 20 years. Two wonderful kids. Well I found out she was cheating using the stuff I read here. I have at least always been a dedicated husband and father, probably too nice..if that makes any since. 

Here is a vague time line:

She got busted talking to other guy whom she said she no longer talked to before...She said just a friend, but why did she lie. I never had a problem with her having friends before. I perked my ears to that, but the their conversations via phone and text diminished. This was about a year ago.

So I let it go. Then I stumbled on the fact that she spent the at least one afternoon at his apartment. Which after the long talks/texts...well I knew what was what then. I told her no matter what she told me I will always think she was sleeping with him. She never admitted to anything inappropriate, but we had a huge fight. She said that she was wrong. Kind of like the Jason Gimabi with steroids...I sorry, but I am not going to tell you why I am. This was in November. I should of left, but I did not. I know. 

So I guess we started a R then...but the fact that she still held the details were really disturbing me. We had several fights about her not being forthcoming with particulars I needed to start building my life again, with or without her. She did agree that I would now have access to everything...phone, email...ect. 

Things seemed to get even more rocky, then after the new year, it seemed that she really was trying again. Not good, but at least better. 

Well here is the kicker, I checked her phone the other day and I saw another email sign-in in her brower history, than the one I was familiar with. 

I took her phone. I know that is illegal by the way, however rational thought was not going well that that moment. I then took it to a secure location and did a data recovery on her text messages. 

As it turns out, she was still sleeping with the other guy until the 1st of the year, then there are signs that she broke it off with the OM. She has now admitted everything...She says she is so sorry, and I actually thinks she means it this time. I have never heard that type of despair come out of her, then when she knew I had seen....that. As of now, I can not sleep or eat again. 

The other email account actually was a innocent one, and i got spooked over nothing this time. Though it does not feel like nothing. I can not get what they said together out of my head. We were trying to R....but she continued to see that guy for at least another month. 

So what would you do?


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Your W needs a hard dose of reality, and she needs to see a massive show of resolve from you.

Serve her with divorce papers, and start showing her apartments in the paper. Talk to her from now on like it's a foregone conclusion that she will be moving out. And, also assume that everything she says is a lie. Affairs are like drugs, and the addict will do anything to get their next fix. She has lied to you REPEATEDLY about him, and you had to find out the hard way.

Serve her with D papers, and show her that you TRULY mean it. So far, you have backed down from her every time when confronting her, you have to show her that there are REAL consequences to her actions.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Oh, and by the way: she admitted EVERYTHING? Read up on the "Trickle Truth", she may be doing it here.

Demand that she take a polygraph, and see how she reacts. Then you will see if she really admitted EVERYTHING, and also see how remorseful she REALLY is.


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Well, first thing i'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
Now to answer your question for what i would do all i can say is that each one of us reacts differently.
I am one of those who will never be able to forget (maybe forgive) an affair, so i already know that for me R. is impossible.
In your case i think the right thing to do, just to start it off , is detaching frome her and working on yourself. You need to distance yourself and go 180 on her, nothing nasty.... just go dark.
Take your time, go to the gym, meet your friends.
Then you might want to know if this other man is married, and if so inform his wife ASAP! 
This is a start.....


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

There is never a R while still in contact with OM. That's called false R. 

Only you can decide to stay married to her. 


Is OM married/GF?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I hear you on the D....That is the front I am presenting to her, and she is going along if that is what I need. So I am telling her I am going to D, I am just wondering if I should actually intend to fulfill it. 

Should I feel bad about how I discovered?

Trust me...the texts were VERY descriptive. I even found out that she is Bi. As they had...well another. If they had anything else going on, I do not even want to know.


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Well i guess you are like me! lol
R wuold be tough to manage.... so getting her served (if you can handle the aftermath) is the right thing to do


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Don't feel bad about how you found out at all. 

Just feel ecstatic that you found out...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

The OM is not married, I have been doing alot of research. Might as well as I can not sleep any way...


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Oh...I have been going out to the gym and since November, after I found out she was at the guys pace that afternoon. I do not think I will quite anytime soon.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

If you have been an observer here for about a year, then you know about the 180. You can take all the time you want to decide to R or D but you need to do the 180 now or your wife will never respect you.

Please look at this recent thread to see what the 180 did for this guy.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/180266-how-deal-confused-wife.html 



Woundedheart said:


> As it turns out, she was still sleeping with the other guy until the 1st of the year, then there are signs that she broke it off with the OM. She has now admitted everything...She says she is so sorry, and I actually thinks she means it this time. I have never heard that type of despair come out of her, then when she knew I had seen....that.


Having an affair is very narcissistic. What you are witnessing is panic. True to form she is still thinking of herself first. She is extremely sorry that she was caught. You have been married for 20 years and she sees her way of life ending. 

Her reputation, the good things about your marriage are all at risk. Do you have kids and how old are they? Does she work and can she support herself? Was the affair over before you exposed?



Woundedheart said:


> I can not get what they said together out of my head. We were trying to R....but she continued to see that guy for at least another month.


We all know that if there is trouble in your marriage you should discuss it with your spouse. She didn’t give you a chance to work on your marriage and had an affair. You told her that you “will always think she was sleeping with him” and gave her another chance with R. She wasted your time.

Does she want R now? Tell her that you already tried that and she lied to you and continued fu#king the OM. Ask you why she deserves you to go to all that trouble again.



Woundedheart said:


> Should I feel bad about how I discovered?


Hell no! No way! You wouldn’t have had to resort to that if she had told you the truth.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Does the fact that she did sever ties with him (belatedly) mean there is hope for us? 

The only reason I got from her, was she was board. So why not rip out the soal of the one person who treated her better than anyone in her life?


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Should I feel stupid for only finding out by mistaking something innocent for something else?


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Woundedheart said:


> The only reason I got from her, was she was board. So why not rip out the soal of the one person who treated her better than anyone in her life?



Did I say narcissistic? She risked everything and the people around her for entertainment that turned out to be not that great.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I hear you about the 180. I almost feel like I have to go through with things, because if I back down now, and even if this guy is over with...what about the next one and the next....

This affair has been going on for four years now.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I am really trying to figure out my emotions right now.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

So much of what I read...does not sound like the woman I spent half my life with.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Woundedheart said:


> This affair has been going on for four years now.


Holy crap  

Use this line on your wife: *“For the last 4 years you have been his wife more than mine.”*


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

4 year affair!!! Continuous lies and deceit!!! False R (very hurtful)!!!

Your "wife" has serious character flaws. There is no question in my mind that you need to get as far away from her as possible. Kick her to the curb and divorce her! The main issue now is minimising the pain you are feeing and are going to feel - unfortunately one way of doing this is to make sure that you have the full truth in one go (no trickle truthing) and one way maybe to achieve this is a polygraph (before you tell her you are going to kick her out). You may get the complete truth then which should help you heal. But there is no question that she has to go!


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Woundedheart said:


> She did agree that I would now have access to everything...phone, email...ect.
> 
> I took her phone. I then took it to a secure location and did a data recovery on her text messages.
> 
> Should I feel bad about how I discovered?


No, you had her permission :smthumbup:


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I want to thank you all for responding. I am more than half carzy right now. 

I am going to tell you something sick. If you take out the sexual aspect of the messages, because there were alot more then just those, and the aspect where they were both plotting against me. Looking forward to a time where they could run away together. However the personality that she was projecting to him I had not seen in years. I miss that personality...I guess that would be what is was like when she was really into me. That was the woman I fell in love with, but it contradicts everything I thought. Sucks that my life has apparently been a lie.

Oh, and yes we have two kids that are 18 and 16, both boys.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

oh...at Graywolf2 - I did not really have permission to remove the phone from the home. She literally tried to tackle me in the street when she realize what I was doing and where I was going.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How do you know it's been going on for 4 years? 
Is it the same OM as the guy she stopped talking to on the phone a year ago that you said she previously said she stopped talking to? . . . or is it a different OM?
You didn't suspect anything before that? 
She kept the A going after R and through Christmas and then broke up with OM?
And she's bi? 

Sorry WH, your story is a little unclear but it sounds terrible. I'm so sorry.

You've just been hit by a train since probably for the first time you now have real proof and so it's now a reality. That is why you can't work out your emotions. 

Doesn't matter how you found out i.e. suspicious about an email address that was innocent. And it led you to the truth anyway. So it was a good thing, not something to feel bad about.

How did you know how to recover the phone texts?

How old are your kids?

Sorry for all the questions - just trying to piece it all together.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Kids are old enough to weather this. 

The past 4 years she has carried on with two "husbands". 

She has put your health in danger. Read one thread on here where the wife got AIDS and passed it on to husband. He died!!

I do not see this marriage as ever being able to survive. Move on and find a person who respects you. 

Let her and OM live their fantasy life. I'll bet my life they will be miserable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Woundedheart said:


> Trust me...the texts were VERY descriptive. I even found out that she is Bi. As they had...well another.
> 
> She did sever ties with him (belatedly). The only reason I got from her, was she was board.


It would seem that it takes a lot to keep your wife entertained. 

I would just head for D in a calm and dignified manner. Cut your losses and build a new life as best you can.

There was a popular song during World War I entitled: “How You Gonna Keep Em Down on the Farm After They've Seen Paree.” I think your wife has seen Paris.

_That’s why we have the term “French kissing” in the United States. French kissing came from British and American soliders returning home from Europe after World War I, who kissed their wives and girlfriends the way the French to do._


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Woundedheart said:


> I did not really have permission to remove the phone from the home. She literally tried to tackle me in the street when she realize what I was doing and where I was going.


I disagree. She gave you blanket permission to access everything and specifically her phone. 



Woundedheart said:


> She did agree that I would now have access to everything...phone, email...ect.


The only way to access the phone was to do what you did. It’s like giving the cops permission to search your house thinking that they will never find the secret panel in the bedroom. Then when you see them going for it you tackle them.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

How do you know it's been going on for 4 years? She told be so

Is it the same OM as the guy she stopped talking to on the phone a year ago that you said she previously said she stopped talking to? . . . or is it a different OM?
Yes, she stoped talking when they started banging.....i feel sick

You didn't suspect anything before that? Always trusted her
She kept the A going after R and through Christmas and then broke up with OM? Yep, that was on there also

"Yes...28 Days after. "

And she's bi? 

"Yep...not so sub-till messages from him to her in that regard. " 

Sorry WH, your story is a little unclear but it sounds terrible. I'm so sorry.

"I am sorry, I am not mentally coherent still."

How did you know how to recover the phone texts?

"It was mentioned in another thread, I think about how you found out, I took that info and used it."

How old are your kids? 

"16 and 18"


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

@ Graywolf2 - sounds good to me.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I have been tested for STD's, so luckily I do not have anything.


----------



## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

Just move on dude. The fact that she carried on after you confronted two times show's how little respect for you she had. She's filled with despair now, as you say, mainly because she knows that showing despair now is the only chance she has to hold on to her comfortable life where no one (including her children) know that she's such a ****ty person. If you divorce, she knows that everyone will know she's the one responsible. If you stay, she'll be the woman who was so awesome her husband kept her even after she went out to get some strange. You'll never be able to trust her again, and you deserve to be happy. 

As an older man who already works out, there's a whole world out there waiting for you. Don't tie yourself to her out of a sense of obligation. Don't think for one second you should feel guilty for "Invading her privacy". The idea is laughable. She was screwing another dude pretty much right under your nose for an extended amount of time, badmouthing you to him the entire time. 

Just Move On Dude. Just Move On. Don't let your temptation to be a white knight ruin your life. Be strong and move on. Your ex and your children will both respect you more for it. Just Move On.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Wounded, I have very little advice regarding your wife's intentions, you'll know better than us. Try to think clearly and rationally as best you can, I know that can be hard in the current phase.

I remember the sleepless nights all too well. It may sound overly basic, but try to get some serious exercise in the afternoon or evening, and take some melatonin and/or valerian root before bed. Then, the nearly impossible part. TRY to keep you thoughts away from the shiz when you hit the rack. Maybe sleep on the couch, that helped me.

Oh, and forget worrying about the phone, small potatoes. Keep things in perspective. She may have been in control some before, but you are now. You call the shots, as she obviously can't think straight. Take control.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Woundedheart said:


> Does the fact that she did sever ties with him (belatedly) mean there is hope for us?
> 
> The only reason I got from her, was she was board. So why not rip out the soal of the one person who treated her better than anyone in her life?


She told you that she had severed ties with him before. How did that work out?


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Divorce her. She is not trustworthy. What makes you think she ever will be?


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I know you are right, but she did break it off with the other guy. 

It was not just what she told me, it was discussed in their texts. 

Though everything is so F'd up now......it sucks.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

like it was not bad enough before.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Woundedheart said:


> I know you are right, but she did break it off with the other guy.
> 
> It was not just what she told me, it was discussed in their texts.
> 
> Though everything is so F'd up now......it sucks.


4 years of lies and deceit. 4 years to come clean. 4 years to convince you that she loves you and only you. But she was busy banging the OM. It doesn't matter what she does now , it's what you want to do. Would you want to live with her knowing she betrayed you in the best possible way for 4 years and may do so again? Are you brave enough to leave her and start your life afresh? It's not about kids now, they are grown up. So take that excuse out. It's about whether you can live without her. Yes, you think you love her. It's possible that you still actually love her. But was your love even worth sh*t? 

There is nothing left between you and her. File for D and start your life again.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Woundedheart said:


> I know you are right, but she did break it off with the other guy.
> 
> *It was not just what she told me, it was discussed in their texts. *
> 
> Though everything is so F'd up now......it sucks.


Well... I asume it means she broke off for different reasons than love to you, commitment to the marriage, moral recovering, religious epiphany...
Why did she break up with this guy?

Bayond this 4 years long betrayal, along with the badmouthing and mocking you and plotting against you to run off (I asume when the youngest leaves the nest)... how many other transgressions did she confess (given OM hinted a same sex AP)? Did she gave you a narrative on how this fiasco started and developed? A timeline at least? Who was in the know, covered her, acted as confidant?
Does she take responsability, claims remorse, love for you? Any half decent explanation? What actions is she taking to assist you, to prove she's changing beyond emotional displayals and compliance to transparance?


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Wounded,

In terms of the depth and severity of your wife's A, she's probably in the top 5%. 4 years, planning her exit with him, another bi-sexual relationship, lying about no contact. Doesn't get much worse does it? Read my initial thread and you may feel differently.

Another thing to consider as a real possibility, is that the OM dumped her. If so, that squarely establishes you as her plan B.

So you've got a lot to get past if you want to think about R. It may not be possible no matter how much remorse she shows. I cant' disagree with any poster who suggests that going straight to divorce is probably your best option.

But of course, only you can decide that. It's a personal decision. You won't hear any criticism from me if you decide to try it; if for no other reason, because it would be hypocritical. 

But I can give you some advice on how to approach R, if that's what you decide. First and foremost, she must believe that it's in the balance whether you stay or leave. She has to "feel" what it's like to lose her husband for cheating on him. To that end, if at all possible, separate yourself from her for a week or two. If that's not possible, separate her from your bedroom and do a strong 180. 

Expose her to her family and your family. Put the OM on cheaterville.com. Talk to an attorney. Put together an exit strategy. Let her know that you need some time to put your thoughts together about where to go from here. Tell her that her willingness to demonstrate remorse, be transparent and accept consequences for what she's done, will influence you to "consider" R, but give her no guarantees. 

She must do everything you need, and I mean everything, to demonstrate to you that she's remorseful. If she falters at all, you need to divorce her and not look back.

If she does do all of this, and you decide to R, keep in mind that things still may not workout. She may not stay consistent and/or you may realize that you just can't get past this. No one could blame you for trying R and changing your mind. 

But we will blame you for trying it, without you making sure that she owns what she did and "earns" the chance to save her marriage.

Good luck, no matter what you decide.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Woundedheart said:


> I know you are right, but she did break it off with the other guy.
> 
> It was not just what she told me, it was discussed in their texts.


What reasons did they give in their texts?


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

make her understand the trust that you have now on her..... tell her you want a dna test for the kids... you want to make sure they are yours. I know that they probably are yours but its something that will certainly make her understand what you think of her...


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Well... I asume it means she broke off for different reasons than love to you, commitment to the marriage, moral recovering, religious epiphany...
Why did she break up with this guy? She said to work on her Marriage, he threatened to hurt himself...the is their last message, and he is still here. 

Bayond this 4 years long betrayal, along with the badmouthing and mocking you and plotting against you to run off (I asume when the youngest leaves the nest)... how many other transgressions did she confess (given OM hinted a same sex AP)?

Just these two. She said she would give more detail if i needed it. I have not asked for it yet, I am not ready for EVERYTHING everything. Though when I saw past messages from her telling girls she will be their lover over the years, I thought she was joking. Maybe not? 

Did she gave you a narrative on how this fiasco started and developed? A timeline at least? Who was in the know, covered her, acted as confidant?

Yes, some of he family and all of her friends knew.

Does she take responsability, claims remorse, love for you? 
So she says...right now. 

Any half decent explanation? What actions is she taking to assist you, to prove she's changing beyond emotional displayals and compliance to transparance? 

She said she would do anything.


----------



## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Run the 180. See if she's truly remorseful. 

The great thing about the 180? When it's all said and done people have R'd. If she doesn't see the error of her ways? Then you've saved yourself misery. Win/win if you ask me.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Right now I have told her we going to D, we are sleeping separate right now. I am trying the get a appointment with a lawyer to show her I am serious. I think I am putting up a good front....


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I am trying to mask what I am going through from her.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

Top five huh.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Woundedheart said:


> Top five huh.


I've read of worse one time A's, but not too many. 

It could have been worse if she was also a serial cheater.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

That makes me sad.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sorry but she is merely in damage control and probably does not wish to change her lifestyle. Who in their right mind would stay with a woman who was banging her lover for 4 YEARS behind her husband's back and putting him at risk for STD's?

In addition, she had no problem constantly lying to your face time and again. You know that there probably were times that you were intimate with her right after she had been with him.

The excuse that she was simply bored from you is ludicrous. She clearly has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage.. 4 YEARS!
If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I hear you all.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Woundedheart said:


> That makes me sad.


Wounded,

It was not my intention to make you sad. But you need to realize that many people will just not understand why you would R with a wife that did all this. I know this because I got the same reactions.The length of the A and the exit planing is the worst part of it. 

You need to understand that as well. Can you R? Yes. I am, going on 3 years.

But, it's a long road to hoe. Your wife needs to be damn near perfect.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My old lady stopped after confronting, my old lady never plotted against me, my old lady was bored but knew I was a good man and never talked sh!t about me w/ OM. My old lady had enough respect to stay out of our home.

Sure she phucked around for 13 years w/ 20 OM but she had enough respect for me to move on if the OM's got to close. After all she was bored...NOT IN LOVE!!!! She never wanted to take her childrens father from them

Yours was confronted and yet continued, yours went on for 4 yrs w/ same OM, yours plotted against you. Mine was bored...yours has real feels for this POS!!!!!

I kept mine,celebrated our 23rd anni but yours....well yours wasn't just bored!!!!!!

I know about a bored cheating wife and yours isn't one of them. Bored cheating wives go thru OM like toilet paper, Yours had a phucking plan!!!!


----------



## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

What your wife did sucks. 

What you shouldn't feel is guilt for snooping her phone. She was lying to you for 4 years and risking your life with STD's. 

I think divorce sounds like a reasonable path. At least file for divorce as the process takes time and it will make it real for her. If you want R with this liar and she is acting remoreful and loving then maybe give that a shot down the road. 

Start working on YOU for now. Work on detaching from her which means you need to keep yourself busy doing things YOU want to do and engage in the good things in life that you enjoy. Read up on the 180 as it's a great tool for finding your own strength and happiness. 

While it might seem pretty dark right now sitting there with a trampled heart and a dishonest and disloyal wife, but you still have a life to live and your boys to raise together whether you live apart or together. 

There is no rush to make any final decisions on this. 

Best of luck.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think if my old lady contiuned after I confronted I would have bailed.

I had the " if it happens again we're done" thing.... you busted her and she had the balls to keep the affair.....screw her she had her chance!!!

In my book your old lady had her chance when you confronted her the 1st time!!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

badmemory said:


> Wounded,
> 
> It was not my intention to make you sad. But you need to realize that many people will just not understand why you would R with a wife that did all this. I know this because I got the same reactions.The length of the A and the exit planing is the worst part of it.
> 
> ...


I'm going on 4 yrs 2 months


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have feeling your old lady is the type to when faced with a divorce goes off the rail and tells her self " phuck it we are divorcing anyway" and continues to screw around.

Do you think she has it in her to fight for the marriage after you file?


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Thanks WH for answering my questions & sorry there was so many. I was just trying to figure out whether it was just the same guy & hadn't seen your post about your boys. It's good that they are older. 

Posters are saying 4 years is a very long time. However I don't think it was THAT much longer than many A s I read about here. It's longer than many but with the many BS who never get the full truth it's likely that many A s actually went on for longer. Also the length of an affair seems determined by when BS finds out. You were later finding out than others but maybe your WS was very very good at hiding her tracks. 

What I'm really trying to say is that ALL of us BS are in the "top five" you mentioned. The fact is that as soon as WS takes that first step to engage with someone else *the damage is done right there and then. *That's where 99% of the pain comes from, because the person you loved just turned their back on you, lied to you and started something with someone else.

Your situation is better than many in one aspect. WS broke up with OM before you found out about it and told OM she was going to work on her marriage. 

Almost ALL affairs end because they are found out. Not in your case though. Although yes, she saw him for another month after you confronted. So that's another big negative.

I know it's no consolation but I think you know what you have to do now, that is the 180. D papers are your most powerful weapon. Get them and wave them at her. But you have to mean it or she will see though it. As you wave them at her just think to yourself that if she doesn't respond in a way that convinces you, you will D anyway & you won't need another trip to your lawyer. 

Now, it's all down to what she does which will be absolutely NC, 100% truth (only if you want that), no blaming you or trying to make it your fault, complete transparency and genuine remorse. You'll know if her remorse is genuine, your gut will tell you that. If you try R you will have to quietly monitor her - you will need verifiable truth for quite a while because she broke NC last time. 

Or you may decide you will just divorce her anyway. As someone said, the ball is in your court now which is a damn fine thing.

I'm sorry for the pain you are in but remember it's just the same as what every BS went through here. I don't even think there are degrees of pain, 3 months or 3 years would feel the same to me. All WS are cruel and no matter how it happened or for how long, the pain for BS seems to be the same.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. You have to ask yourself how many more lies and how many more times she has to cheat and lie to you before you've had enough. 

From what you described, IMO, the only reason she's putting up a good face and making the claim that she wants to work things out is because she knows that you've been pushed to your limit.

If it was me, she would be served with divorce papers and it would be over. She can't be trusted and if given a chance to do the same thing over again, she would do it. She got used to being able to have her fling because she knows that a few dirty looks and a cold shoulder from you for a while will be the extent of it, then the smoke clears and she can pick up where she left off. 

Do yourself a favor and end this and get some peace in your life. You kids are old enough that they would understand. The only thing that's keeping you from having a clear mind and a happy life is you, so don't back down this time and get your lawyer to do what needs to be done and unload her.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

badmemory said:


> I've read of worse one time A's, but not too many.
> 
> It could have been worse if she was also a serial cheater.


At least a seriel cheater screws around cause they are broken horny sl^ts and have very little emotion, other then getting off. Maybe a bandaid for a boring unhealthy marriage.


Your old lady has to do a hell of a lot better then telling you she was bored!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This isn't some bored horny house wife, this chick had a plan to get rid of her old man.

My old lady may have screwed around on my @ss, but at least she didn't try to get ride of me. That right there is a huge deal breaker for me.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

the guy said:


> My old lady stopped after confronting, my old lady never plotted against me, my old lady was bored but knew I was a good man and never talked sh!t about me w/ OM. My old lady had enough respect to stay out of our home.
> 
> Sure she phucked around for 13 years w/ 20 OM but she had enough respect for me to move on if the OM's got to close. After all she was bored...NOT IN LOVE!!!! She never wanted to take her childrens father from them
> 
> ...



Good ole "the guy". I remember getting his advice almost two years ago. After he laid out his what is wife did, it made me feel better - in kind of a sick, sad way.

So we can debate which type cheating is worse. But the bottom line is it's bad either way.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

A side from being "bored" and phucking behind your back the scary question is why she wanted to throw away the family unit and get rid of you?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That's the thing that gets me....OP's WW was already confronted and yet she took a chance *again* and kept screwing around.

Dude the 1st confrontation would have been the time to get on the straight a narrow.

I guess we can look at this as being her second strike?


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

the guy said:


> At least a seriel cheater screws around cause they are broken horny sl^ts and have very little emotion, other then getting off. Maybe a bandaid for a boring unhealthy marriage.
> 
> 
> Your old lady has to do a hell of a lot better then telling you she was bored!


The Guy,

I said if she was "also" a serial cheater, meaning in addition to what she's already done.

I get the notion that being a plan B like I was, is worse than boredom cheating.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Woundedheart said:


> Does the fact that she did sever ties with him (belatedly) mean there is hope for us?


In regards to that question. Below is what you wrote.

_*"they were both plotting against me. Looking forward to a time where they could run away together".*_

Yes, it's better that she severed ties with him on her own, if that's what actually happened. That would also depend on why she severed ties. Was it only because she decided "he" wasn't the one to replace you?

So keep in mind that at one time you were her plan B; and if you were before you could be again. Think long and hard about whether you can live with that. And if you can, she needs to spend the rest of her life convincing you otherwise.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Being someones Plan B sucks big time, I think OP may be WW Plan B, used her marriage to break up with OM cuz she got bored.

I think...hell I know it takes a huge degree of submission from a wayward spouse to help heal a betrayed spouse. I also know they can't do it alone, both parties need out side help.

And that the thing that seperates the Plan B marriages and the Plan A marriages. If OP is plan A his old lady will do what ever it takes to save this...and put up with any thing that will save this.

At the end of the day if WW really wants this marriage she will be glad to wear a scarlet letter A on her forehead if it will save her marriage.

I'm betting that when push comes to shuv she won't do the heavy lifting and she gets pissed cuz her time frame doesn't work with OP's time frame in bailing on each other.

His old lady excepted the divorce awful quickly and made it sound like its what *he* wanted...not what *she* caused!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm guessing if OP files for divorce she will see it as final and start screwing around with who ever until she meets her new soul mate.

I hope I'm wrong and she does the heavy lifting to save this.

However I want to know what she is going to do to affair proof this marriage? Has she written an NC letter, has she admitted to other how wrong this was, or has she just admitted that OM was just not right for her.

Is she sorry for just getting caught? Is she willing to tell all those who enabled her affair how wrong they were and to remove any one that is an enemy of this marriage?


----------



## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Get rid of her. This will be a never ending cycle with her and you. She has lost all respect for you. let me paint a picture for you. You decide to reconcile. This will always be in the fore front of both your minds. Yours because you were betrayed. Hers because she was caught. Yours is understandable. Hers, is inhumane. She will not be sorry for what she did, only for getting caught and that's why R never works with this scenario. She will always have a grudge against you for taking away her novelesque romance. Respect for you, like it was before she became a scumbag, will never return.

Sorry you are here but it is time to drop her. Give her everything she wants.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Woundedheart said:


> I hear you on the D....That is the front I am presenting to her, and she is going along if that is what I need. So I am telling her I am going to D, *I am just wondering if I should actually intend to fulfill it. *


You don't have to worry about that until the day you sign the final paperwork. I know one couple that R they day they went it to finalize.



> Does the fact that she did sever ties with him (belatedly) mean there is hope for us?


Do you really want to stay with someone who had another relationship going on behind your back for 4 years? 

This is a question she should be asking, she broke the marriage.



> The only reason I got from her, was she was board. So why not rip out the soal of the one person who treated her better than anyone in her life?


She apparently didn't respect you and is selfish, what will happen when she gets bored again? Its hard to just walk away form a long term relationship so the odds are after a few months she is going to miss the OM and possibly start up the A again.

I'm going to vote for D. If it was a ONS or an exit affair maybe but to have such a LTA like it would be hard to live with that. She gets to keep a faithful husband and a boyfriend and you are stuck with an unfaithful wife. That's never going to change (unless you cheat but I don't advise that).


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Woundedheart said:


> Should I feel stupid for only finding out by mistaking something innocent for something else?


No. 
How do you know it was innocent?


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Woundedheart said:


> ...Yes, some of he family and all of her friends knew...


OMG dude.

Well, unless she'd be willing to cut ties with "all of her friends" and "some of her family", don't bother entertaining R.

All of her "friends" and "family" are *toxic*...not one of them thought of you and harbored her secret love affair for her. They are just as bad as she is, and if you have any relationship with any of them, you should give them a piece of your mind.

What great friends!  

You know, I would just proceed with that D and concentrate on yourself. This kind of deception from your wife, friends and family is not something you will be able to sweep under any rugs...it would linger if you stick around...I mean, those people would show up from time to time, and each one of them could be a huge trigger for you. 

Not worth it. These are chitty people.


----------



## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

WoundedHeart, you need to take a break. I don't know where you work, but if you could take some time off to get away from this mess, do so. Spend a few days away from home and get your head right. You've been going to the gym you say, so go there daily, pump some iron and beat a punching bag for a bit to release that stress and focus on something else. And get away from your wife. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Eat something - maybe a light soup if you can't stomach anything else, but eat. Then turn your attention to your marriage and what you should do with it.

You're hung up over the fact that she "supposedly" broke up with her boyfriend beforehand. You see this as a positive. I'm sorry to say that this _really_ means absolutely nothing. At all. It is _not_ a point in your wife's favor. 

All it means is that she can start up and end a relationship entirely without you noticing. This isn't some light, "hiding the snacks for herself" sort of sneaking, Wounded. She began a full relationship with another man and was faithful to that man for four years before ending it with him. This was intense, passionate love, which she ultimately decided to end. _All without your knowing_. 

What makes you think that her making such powerful emotional choices in secret, all while lying to your face about it, is a _good_ thing? What makes you think she hasn't done this before? She's very good at it, clearly. And what makes you think she won't do it again?

Here are the facts.


She had a four-year affair in secret. 
When confronted, she lied to you about it. She claimed she did nothing with her boyfriend. That they were "just friends."
She took her affair underground, and gave you her major passwords to make you _think_ she was being honest. All while she kept secret emails and methods of contact open, so she could continue seeing her boyfriend.
You literally had to pry the knowledge of the affair from her. She would *never* have told you otherwise. She was so adamant about keeping the affair a secret that she chased you and tried to prevent you from reading her secrets.

She's upfront _now_ because she feels she doesn't have a choice. You caught her red-handed, and she can't do anything but confess to what you already know. In her mind, this was never supposed to happen. You were never supposed to know. She was cheating for years, getting her kicks with her boyfriend, "sowing her wild oats," so to speak. And she did. She got bored (again, as seems to be the case with her) and decided to settle down with her oblivious husband and live a stable life, with her secret life remaining exactly that - a secret. Maybe if she got bored in the future she could have another affair, seeing as you didn't catch-on originally.

Except that you did. You know about her betrayal. Not the full extent of it, but enough to know that she was someone else's wife for four years, and you were no more than her bed-warmer and babysitter.

She's not remorseful. Do *not* make the mistake of assuming so. She is sorry she was caught, and is doing whatever she can to placate you. Like a little kid who was caught with their hand in the cookie jar, she's crying because you caught her and you're upset with her. She's not sorry about what she's done to you. She's not sorry about the abuse and the deceit, and the rift she's created within the family. She just wants you to not be mad anymore, so she can go back to her routine.

Compound this with the fact that her friends knew and covered for her, and that some of her family knew, and you have a highly dysfunctional and difficult marriage.

Your marriage is over, Wounded. If you decide to leave the pieces as they lie and move on, that's fine. You could also opt to build a new marriage with her. That's much more complicated and requires a tremendous amount of work from the both of you given the circumstances, but it's your choice. Just remember that it is her _actions_ that matter, and not her words. She may _say_ she's willing to do anything, but that _means_ absolutely nothing. You should know that through experience now.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Wounded needs to let his kids know the extent of his WW, her family and her friends' betrayal. His kids need to really stay away from these kind of people. Also post the OM on CV.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Woundedheart said:


> I hear you on the D....That is the front I am presenting to her, and she is going along if that is what I need. So I am telling her I am going to D, I am just wondering if I should actually intend to fulfill it.
> 
> *Should I feel bad about how I discovered?*
> 
> Trust me...the texts were VERY descriptive. I even found out that she is Bi. As they had...well another. If they had anything else going on, I do not even want to know.


Gee you're asking if you should feel bad about how you discovered your wife was bonking another dude senseless?

No..feel bad about the fact another dude was bonking your wife senseless.

If I read right, you were asking if she has slept with him that one time and had agreed to some sort of R, but now discover during that whole time she'd been sleeping with him.

I'd be pissed. Aren't you?


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Woundedheart said:


> Well... I asume it means she broke off for different reasons than love to you, commitment to the marriage, moral recovering, religious epiphany...
> Why did she break up with this guy? She said to work on her Marriage, he threatened to hurt himself...the is their last message, and he is still here.
> 
> Bayond this 4 years long betrayal, along with the badmouthing and mocking you and plotting against you to run off (I asume when the youngest leaves the nest)... how many other transgressions did she confess (given OM hinted a same sex AP)?
> ...



Those friends and family members who knew about this and covered it up would (IMO) be gone, if you decide on R. My wife's next oldest sister was involved in my wife's A's over the years and I heard all the stuff from her when I had a recorder in my wife's car. She was laughing about the A my wife had, etc. I will never have anything to do with her.


----------



## Woundedheart (Apr 2, 2014)

I think i am in sensory overload. too much to soon. Not enough sleep to process. 

Thanks for the input though


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Wounded,

Personally, I would D immediately.

I would never forgive or forget such a betrayal...especially because she was 'bored'.

She gaslighted and continued the A AFTER you confronted her.

But, in the end, YOU have to decide what you want and can live with...no one else.

All we can tell you is how we would or did handle cheating when it happened to us or impacted our lives in some way.

That, and many here will tell you what mistakes they now realize they made and how they would do things differently now.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I do believe this is not more than the tip of the iceberg, it started earlier and there's way more.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I do believe this is not more than the tip of the iceberg, it started earlier and there's way more."

Sadly, I'd bet money you are right Acabado.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Woundedheart said:


> Does the fact that she did sever ties with him (belatedly) mean there is hope for us?
> 
> The only reason I got from her, was she was board. So why not rip out the soal of the one person who treated her better than anyone in her life?


She was dumped or he was too much trouble. her ending it with him does not necessarily mean anything for you or her love for you. If you use the same logic, she wouldn't have an affair in the first place


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Woundedheart said:


> I know you are right, but she did break it off with the other guy.



That is all you need? talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Might as well make the marriage open on her side.


----------



## jnichk76 (Nov 4, 2013)

Woundedheart said:


> I think i am in sensory overload. too much to soon. Not enough sleep to process.
> 
> Thanks for the input though


What has she said that she would like from you in the relationship? How are you guys doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

Woundedheart said:


> Should I feel stupid for only finding out by mistaking something innocent for something else?


No..

_Should I feel bad about how I discovered?_

No...

You deserve to know the truth.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

ZombieVille


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Woundedheart said:


> Please advise.
> 
> I have been a silent observer for about a year now. I now need advice though.
> 
> ...


Pardon my french but..

I'd dump the beech.

Sorry she had her chance to make it right and toyed with your fragile emotional state. She had her chance to do the right thing (AFTER doing the wrong thing). She was MORE deceptive after you found out. 

Think about that.

You caught her (but didn't have details)...and instead of working on the marriage...she took her betrayal UP a few notches.....


----------

