# so confused



## mandm (Apr 2, 2010)

Hello I am writing first time here. Mostly I have been only reading everyone's post and just amazed that how difficult time people are having. I myself just as hurt and having hard time. I am writing now so that I can get some perspective on things.

We have been married 12 years and no kids. I feel very blessed to have him as husband for first 9 years. I don't regret that I married him. Things has gotten down hill about 3 years ago when he decided to quit his job and pursue different carrier. First of all he didn't communicate with me that he wasn't happy with his job at all. I thought everything was fine at work. It took me by surprise but I didn't make a big issue about him not letting me know about him quitting. I thought, "Well what I am going to do? He quit it already". And decided to just let him figure out and just be a good support. He dived into Life Insurance Business and didn't make much fist year. And quit after one year. Did some part time on the side in 2nd year just so we have some kind of income coming in while he tries various sales job (commission based) and He went work for another insurance company third year, which paid some salary. Along with immersing himself in the new job he started to network like crazy. He went out every night to "meet people for business." I was not too happy about him devoting a lot of his time into his so called networking for his work but I figure it was necessary for that line of business. (Issuance sales). And also I wanted him to be successful with his work so I just kept my mouse shut and pick up what he fell behind. All house works and cooking and cleaning. Before career change he used to cook and clean sometime but no longer. No longer **** down and have dinner together, It was so hard to schedule our time together I have to make an appointment in his book to have a lunch and dinner once a week together and usually after sitting down half an hour to have dinner then he has to go to a event to network. He seemed really happy and excited about his work and new opportunity but money really didn't follow. While I work full time and do house work and sitting down for dinner alone I was pilling up lots of resentment against him. While he is so excited to meet new people and having great time networking with people I just sit at home and trying to save pennies we got.
I started to bring lunch to save money while he goes to hotel bar and buy drinks for his client/friend or go to restaurant and have dinner with potential client. Since he got so involved with his work he fell behind paying bills on time so I took over as financial manager of house hold and handles all the bill paying. He just seemed not to care about how much he spends or how much he earns. His business finance and our house hold finance got so mixed up and I felt so out of control. He had own insurance agency last year and had to pay out his assistant from our household checking account. I was just overwhelmed with household finances and couldn't take care his business finance. So I didn't step in and tried to organize his business finances. I don't think he kept his account book organized and didn't keep his business expenses, which were going out of our joint bank, checking account. Sometime he used our saving to pay out to his assistant salary. Once in a while I cried in front of him because I was not sure how we are going to pay the bill or I felt he didn’t care about how much money we have and didn’t listen to my pleading about not spending too much on eating out and socializing with his friends/clients. He had an agency last year but finally end of the year company laid him off. He seemed ok at that point. On end of match he told me he met someone. He asked me “how about open marriage?” I said, “no way, you either commit to me or leave”.
Then he told me he wants out. He cares about me but he said he is not attracted to me anymore and doesn’t feel romantic toward me. Though he may just stay as a good friend to this woman but he says he want to see what is possible with her now. He wasn’t happy with me last 4 years and he thinks I wasn’t happy with him and can find another person to be happy with. And it will be better that way. He is done with being married he’d lather be single. He doesn’t want a family and kids and doesn’t want a responsibility of owning a house. 

Since that talk in April we have separated our bank account. I have put up a house for sell because he is not making that much money since his layoff and I can’t afford the house my self. I asked him as long as he lives in this house he needs to pay half of all the bills but he hasn’t really paid me any since April. To protect what is left (my 401k and ira, we have spent his 401 k and our savings which mostly was given from my father as an emergency fund.) I started the process to get divorce with lawyer. Because that's all I can walk away with from this marriage with. He has nothing left. Nothing. He says he is going to take care the debt that he inquired and if we end up owing something because house doesn’t sell, he is going to take care of that too. But HOW? He says he will but I don’t believe him that he has logistically figured out how. That is just his wish and desire to take care but really he has not figure out exactly. 

He went with me to a marriage counseling once but he pretty much told the counselor the same story about him not wanting to continue. Counselor told me “you can change your self but you can’t change other persons will”. I still go to a counseling for myself and it has been a tremendous help. Just be able to talk what I feel without other people’s judgment and grieve and cry. Also I felt like I need to do everything I can do to keep this marriage so I started to go to church where I met great people to support me with keep trying. I didn’t have any religion before and this is a new experience for me to learn and to try relying on god. 

I am not mad at him wanting to leave me for another woman. I think both of us contributed to this current condition. I couldn’t get over the money matter and stop respecting him. I turned him down having sex about year ago because I felt like I was being used. He came home and only wanted me for his pleasure. I also lost attraction to him physically because him no longer fit and getting bigger because so busy and eating out and not exercising like before. I felt neglected. I also had an emotional romantic feeling to other people but I tried to not act on it. So it didn’t become an affair or some sort. I think that when you feel weak or not loved by your suppose it’s natural to fall into other people. I think he thought that I don’t love him anymore and went to find another person that love him and make him feel better.

Even with lost in physical interest, half of me believes that we can restore the love we had once. But how can we overcome financial difficulties? And Him not wanting to stay?
Should I surrender all to god and let him work through me? Is that possible?
Can god make miracle happen for me? 
What do I want?

We have been respectful to each other going through this but he didn’t open up to me until last week about his feelings. We talked in business like matter till then. 
He said he is sorry for not communicating better and it lead to this. He is depressed about work situation and not being able to make much money. He doesn’t want to drag me down anymore. He wants this to be over as quick as possible. Other woman doesn’t want to be involved with him if he is married. She doesn’t want to be called housebreaker.
He is going to see the woman this weekend. She moved away from town. 

We still lives in the same house until he signs the contract my lawyer is going to draw up.

My church friend tells me god doesn’t want us to divorce. Maybe separate for while. But I don’t know even if I stay around, how is it possible to resurrect our love and over come financial difficulties and differences like him not wanting kids and family time? This new found Christian belief is making me have guilt about leaving him. We become one and What if we are meant to be together?
I think if we can overcome this we can be a spectacular couple. I love him. He is a great friend and companion and caring loving person but staying and trying to keep this marriage is very very hard. Him going to see her this weekend was really hard. 

I feel that he is lost. Far beyond my reach. I pray that he finds his way back to me but I am not sure what to do now.


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## mandm (Apr 2, 2010)

men this thread is so long. I don't know if anyone would read it. but if you do, thanks so much for reading.


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