# First Post: Trying to figure life out after my wife's affair.



## TTFTO (Sep 14, 2014)

It has been close to a year since my wife told me about her affair and I am still trying to figure things out. We have been married for over twenty years and have some great kids and I never saw this coming. Before this I would have trusted her without question. I am pretty sure that I have handled some things wrong over this past year trying to save our marriage, and I do still love and care for her, but it looks like we are headed for divorce. She told me about the affair over the phone while she was out-of-town on a trip. I had called to talk and share some stuff I had learned in a men's group I was attending about marriage. Things I thought would help us. She stops me and tells me that I will not want her once she tells me what she has done. She says she has found someone else, but it has not went all the way sexually. It is a coworker and I feel like I have been punched in the gut. Well I loose it for a few a get emotional, but I say I forgive her and I love her and our kids and want our marriage to work. I fly out to where she is and we have a crazy emotional week, shocking I know, and she lies to me several times I figure out. During these first few weeks and maybe months I am reading everything I can on affairs and what causes them. I have always believed in cause and effect and it takes two to tango. I felt that there was something that I did also that caused this to happen. I was a real wreck during this time and very emotional. Sometime during this point she did go all the way with the OM. We have been through several false starts and stops, and I have been on several sites that all say it is hard, especially for women to make a clean break, when it comes to an affair. Long story short I know it is over now because the OM broke it off, because he says she took to long to make up her mind. I think things just got to real for him and he decided to cut and run because the fairy tail was coming to an end. Whatever... I have worked hard to keep things together and now she says she just does not love me anymore and that she is dead inside and wants a divorce. This is the cliff notes version of things but I feel like all the effort and time that I have put in has been for nothing and feel like a bit of a fool. I did work on my flaws that were pointed out in MC but she will not let go of the past. I feel lost and like a failure to my kids. I don't want to try to force someone to love me I know that is just plain stupid, but it is hard to just let go of a life together. Any advice from anyone who has been through something like this would be greatly appreciated. 
PS I also should mention her hormones took a dive over the last two years and some depression also. I have read a ton that say that this could be factors. I don't know I do believe that the affair was still a choice. I did have my part in our marriage issues but there was still a choice to cross that line.

Thanks,
TTFTO


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Sorry about what happened. 

Your wife cheated on you and you begged her make the marriage work.


The OM dumped her and now she breaks it off with you to show her lover that she really ended it this time ?

In the mean time, it also got physical.

you never had a breaking point?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I have been on several sites that all say it is hard, especially for women to make a clean break, when it comes to an affair.


What sites have you been to?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Her affair was a choice, her choice. Your marriage may have failed but you aren’t a failure. As long as the OM was around you and the marriage faced a hopeless battle. No matter how much you changed or tried you cant compete with the dreamland they create while having an affair.

When did her affair end? The OM breaking it off isn’t unusual at all. He had his fun and when things might get serious it ends. The problem is that she still has an emotional attachment to him. She didn’t want it to end. 

The part you will not like and think its just the opposite of what you should do but you should consult a lawyer and most likely file for divorce. She is unwilling to work on the marriage or commit to trying to repair the relationship with you. You cant fix it alone. Most wayward spouse say they want divorce, the drag them out forever. 

She knows you aren’t going anywhere, she can play the game anyway she feels like because she has had all the control. You filing and taking back some control will cause her to face what life is really like without you. I could be the wake up call she needs but you need to be concerned about yourself right now and your future.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

I applaud you for trying to make things work. It is really hard to follow that path after infidelity with most of society having the mentality of just get something new if the old is broken. 

You said you have been in MC and you did the begging that most of us do in the beginning. What other steps have you taken? Have you tried to 180?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry that you are here. Could you provide a few more details please ?

How old are you both ? Are both of you still living together? Sleeping in the same bed?

What "flaws" did you have to fix in yourself ? Is she citing these "flaws" as the reason for the divorce ? For the affair ? Is she at least slightly guilty about the affair?

How has the marriage relationship been generally and sex-wise?

How does she get on with the kids ? Does she want custody ?

How long have things been bad and how long has the affair been going on ?

How old is the other man (OM) ? Is he married or does he have a girlfriend? Kids ? Do you know or have you ever met him ? Do you know his wife/girlfriend ? How long has your wife and him been working together? What are their jobs/kind of work do they do? Does she see him/work with him everyday?

Who makes more money between you and your wife? Are your assets/finances/bank accounts/credit cards in joint names?

Is it possible that this has been going on longer than you think? That this not the first time she cheated? That you don't have all the truth ? Including all the sordid details of what she did with this guy? That one or more of your kids might not be yours ? That she hasn't passed on any STIs/STDs to you?

I am sorry to ask all these questions but the answers will help us to help you. Stay strong until the rest of the TAM army gets here.


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## TTFTO (Sep 14, 2014)

The thought has crossed my mind that she was going to try and show the OM she was serious about the divorce. The two sites that I was on a lot in the beginning was Marriage Builders and Divorce Busters. I also read a book called coping with a spouse after the affair. I read several different blogs and some physiology sites and articles. There were some other sites also but some of it is a bit of a fog now. As far as a braking point I am trying to figure myself out and why I have not had that yet. Part of the reason is I don't want to put my kids through a divorce.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

TTFTO said:


> The thought has crossed my mind that she was going to try and show the OM she was serious about the divorce. The two sites that I was on a lot in the beginning was Marriage Builders and Divorce Busters. I also read a book called coping with a spouse after the affair. I read several different blogs and some physiology sites and articles. There were some other sites also but some of it is a bit of a fog now. As far as a braking point I am trying to figure myself out and why I have not had that yet. Part of the reason is I don't want to put my kids through a divorce.


Part of your not hitting the breaking point is your in the center of the storm. You have been so focused on trying to fix you haven't looked at the problem. You do need to give yourself a little emotional distance from whats going on right now so you can take see your situation more clearly.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you read the newbie thread ?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tough going.

May I suggest that you edit your first post to insert paragraphs?

Although your situation may see impossibly difficult right now. I suspect that there is some chance to save your marriage.

1) Read Bagdon's thread here on TAM. His wife fell out of love with him but he got her back. If you can't find it, I'll post the link.

2) Concentrate on yourself. You cannot nice her into loving you.

3) Are you overweight? Smoke? 
Now is the time to jettison bad habits. Don't talk about changing yourself, just do it. She will notice.

4) Train. Doesn't help to put on some muscles.

5) Don't look beaten down. Stand up straight. Look people in the eye. Fake it till you make it.

6) Don't tell your wife you love her. She has to earn the right to hear that.

7) Read about the 180

How old are you kids? What do they know?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

TTFTO said:


> It has been close to a year since my wife told me about her affair and I am still trying to figure things out. We have been married for over twenty years and have some great kids and I never saw this coming. Before this I would have trusted her without question. I am pretty sure that I have handled some things wrong over this past year trying to save our marriage, and I do still love and care for her, but it looks like we are headed for divorce. She told me about the affair over the phone while she was out-of-town on a trip. I had called to talk and share some stuff I had learned in a men's group I was attending about marriage. Things I thought would help us. She stops me and tells me that I will not want her once she tells me what she has done. She says she has found someone else, but it has not went all the way sexually. It is a coworker and I feel like I have been punched in the gut. Well I loose it for a few a get emotional, but I say I forgive her and I love her and our kids and want our marriage to work. I fly out to where she is and we have a crazy emotional week, shocking I know, and she lies to me several times I figure out. During these first few weeks and maybe months I am reading everything I can on affairs and what causes them. I have always believed in cause and effect and it takes two to tango. I felt that there was something that I did also that caused this to happen. I was a real wreck during this time and very emotional. Sometime during this point she did go all the way with the OM. We have been through several false starts and stops, and I have been on several sites that all say it is hard, especially for women to make a clean break, when it comes to an affair. Long story short I know it is over now because the OM broke it off, because he says she took to long to make up her mind. I think things just got to real for him and he decided to cut and run because the fairy tail was coming to an end. Whatever... I have worked hard to keep things together and now she says she just does not love me anymore and that she is dead inside and wants a divorce. This is the cliff notes version of things but I feel like all the effort and time that I have put in has been for nothing and feel like a bit of a fool. I did work on my flaws that were pointed out in MC but she will not let go of the past. I feel lost and like a failure to my kids. I don't want to try to force someone to love me I know that is just plain stupid, but it is hard to just let go of a life together. Any advice from anyone who has been through something like this would be greatly appreciated.
> PS I also should mention her hormones took a dive over the last two years and some depression also. I have read a ton that say that this could be factors. I don't know I do believe that the affair was still a choice. I did have my part in our marriage issues but there was still a choice to cross that line.
> 
> Thanks,
> TTFTO



VAR, eblaster stop blaming yourself lawyer up other guy is scum it takes effort from her to fix. No effort, no relationship


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

My first suspicion would be the affair isn't really over. How do you know it is? The word of a cheater is no proof at all. Everything they tell you has to be independently verified.

Ask her to move out, she is the cheater. Under noo circumstances do you move out.

The problem with the other two websites is they try to nice cheaters out of heir affairs. We haven't really seen this work.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do they still work together? Has the affair beennexposed to family, friends and their workplace?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TTFTO= Time To F'n Take Over

You have to stop reacting. You have been on the rollercoaster ever since she admitted the Affair.

Her Affair.

You have been applying bandages and bandaids trying to stop the flow of blood from your marriage.

And what do you get in the end? She wants a divorce.

We could have forecasted that outcome from the beginning.

You need to take control of your life now. You need to take control of your family.

If your wife wants out you not only say "Yes" you push her out.

But you cannot stop there. You need to show her what her life will be like without "YOU" in it.

You can be coparents without being friends.

She has lied to you.
She has cheated on you.

But the worst thing is she has "cheated" you. 

That is what happens when you have multiple false reconciliations because she has never been 110% honest with you.

The wayward spouse says it is because they did not want to hurt you further. But it is truly because they want to protect themselves. They wanted to protect their lovers.

And they wanted to protect their reputations from family, children, you and their friends.

How many people did you tell about her affair?

What will you tell your children about her affair?

Start pushing her today. Start separating your lives today.

Show her tough consequences.

Stop being her friend.

She does not deserve you. Not so much because of her affair but because of the utter lack of respect she continues to show you to this day.


HM


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 

So sorry you are here. We all have gone through so much and understand. 

One thing I strongly come to believe, once a spouse has physically been with another, one reacts now so differently towards the orginal spouse. Both do, it changes how each feel inside emotionally for each other. Brings thoughts and feelings that neither thought either would ever go to, or experience. Each now having to face where this action has put each other. 

There is a lot of introspective thinking going on and it sets us on different paths now... your wife has cheated on you, has been with another man, felt strong emotions for that man, been dumped by that man, now trying to recover from that, the hell she has been through, and not even thinking yet about the sh*t load of innocence people, and what it's done to them & to you. 

You have been cheated on, feels all the crap that one feels with that, loved someone for 20 years, trusted, had a family with them, trying to rebuild what emotions you can put together with a person that is so unhealthy for you now, and will only continoue to be so while you both are together. But sadly, you didnt ask for any of this! 

What honcho writes is dead on... you need to give her what she is asking for ... no matter how much it hurts, then and only then can any of this start to make sense. 

~sammy


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Bud,

A divorce doesn't mean your a failure to your kids. 

If you've taught them well, instilled a sense of responsibility in them, gave them some morals, and most of all...loved them....then I think that makes you a super father in my book.

I'm not typically a supporter of divorce...but I am a strong believer in knowing who you are and enforcing boundaries. I think you are too emotionally deep in the storm right now to think straight. Your wasting a numerous amount of cycles on thinking how to save the marriage. Cycles best spent spending time and focusing on your kids.

And focusing on yourself. 

You need to find your "who gives a shat moment". That point where you realize you can't change the situation on your own...and that it's time to accept things as they are...and say "it is what it is...and I can only go forward from here working on things that I can control."

The members of tam are right. Dissociate your emotional entanglement by doing the 180. And all those other steps they talk about.

Then, focus on you. Try to remember who you were when you first dated your wife. You were most likely a stronger, more independent person. Someone who understood his boundaries and enforced them. Someone who remembered he had interests and hobbies. 

This is the person your wife fell in love with while dating. And maybe, if reconciliation is in the cards, someone she may recognize again in the future. Or...the person someone else will fall in love with. 

And one thing I suggest...go join a martial arts class. An hour long class learning how to break bones, while getting in shape at the same time, somehow clears your mental focus. Or do thus with jogging or weightlifting. Just do something for you. (I joined martial arts. The oldest guy in the class, lol, but did those little punks ever get me into shape fast.)


Find yourself again. Do the 180. dissociate. Focus on you and your kids. Then once you have mental clarity...things will seem not so much a doomsday event.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The affair is bot your fault.

This whole thing sounds like a setup to plan B you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

180 time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would your wife be acting like you.
You need to be tested for STD's. Consult a lawyer just to understand your options.
Your wife has shown you very little respect. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

First thing is don't take the blame for her affair. She knows right from wrong, good from bad and all the red flags were in front of her when it started but she ignored them and thought only of her self and the hell with you or her children.

Time for you to take charge. Let her know that her actions and behavior have no place in your home and give her notice to leave. 

Second thing is secure your finances and find a good lawyer. She's playing hardball with you and if you don't play hardball with her then you lose. She has to understand that her affair has consequences and start letting her see it. 

Your kids will survive this. IMO, if they ask why you and her got divorced, then look at your wife and let her know that it's time to step up to the plate and take responsibility for her deeds and have her explain how she let everyone down with her selfishness. 

She wants to play with fire then she gets burned. Her problem and she has to deal with it.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP very sorry you are here. I know this sucks and like you I was faced with a wife of 2 decades who decide to cheat. Some of our particulars are different, but we do have 2 teenage kids.

My wife showed zero remorse and flat out stated she would replace me with a better man. 

We went straight to divorce. She couldn't get rid of me fast enough. I got a good deal in the D, have the kids most of the time and am still a great dad. Her sugar daddy OM threw her under the bus as soon as she was available and she now keeps begging me to take her back. No f-ing way!


My best suggestion for you/
Get tested for STDs- you do not know what she may have exposed you to or if there are other men besides the one coworker.

Assume that your wife is still lying.

Go speak to a lawyer and you get the process started.

Expose her and OM and do so without warning.

Do a hard 180 and do it for yourself.

Stay active (workout eat right) and be careful with booze.

You will not nice her out of an affair. You will only look weak and undesirable this way. 

You can still be a great parent and be divorced and as hard as it may seem now... you can also rebuild your life minus the cheating liar who decided to put your physical and mental health at risk -and your family structure at risk- to satisfy their own selfishness.

Trust me, better partners do exist. Looking back now- it is amazing how much better I feel not putting up with all the crap a wayward put me through anymore. 

Good luck
WD


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

TTFTO said:


> The thought has crossed my mind that she was going to try and show the OM she was serious about the divorce. The two sites that I was on a lot in the beginning was Marriage Builders and Divorce Busters. I also read a book called coping with a spouse after the affair. I read several different blogs and some physiology sites and articles. There were some other sites also but some of it is a bit of a fog now. As far as a braking point I am trying to figure myself out and why I have not had that yet. Part of the reason is I don't want to put my kids through a divorce.


Are your kids grown, or is this just an excuse? Sorry for the 2x4. But I see a bunch of excuses trying to rationalize what she did.

Her hormones *yet she still had sex with OM*, your part in this *yet you're not at fault because the cheating is all on her, even when you tried to make it work she still took it physical*

So despite your good intentions, hard work, she still went and did what she did. Now she wants a divorce and you don't want to because of the kids?

When exactly does she become accountable for her actions?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Sorry that you are here. Could you provide a few more details please ?
> 
> How old are you both ? Are both of you still living together? Sleeping in the same bed?
> 
> ...


Any answers to the above ???


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Give her the divorce. In fact, ram the divorce down her mouth. She "feels dead inside and wants a divorce" because she is grieving the loss of the POSOM, but that wont last forever.

You should want a divorce not only because she cheated, but because she has lost the very ability to be what made you love her in the first place. You've got to wrap your mind and heart around this fact... she is not who you once loved. She's an impostor of the wife you had.

In a while you will begin to see and feel the outrage and then you will wonder why you've been so soft on her. You will also understand how you blurred all the other marital issues with the affair which is an entity unto itself. 

There is a possibility she will come to her senses and want you back, but the odds are high you will reject her because you will realize she's not good enough for you. When you begin to feel this way is when your self respect/esteem will be recovering.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

here is a link to the 180, copy it and keep it with you. Do not skip any steps. This is to help you detach only. Oddly, it may make her realize what she is losing and make her want to stop the divorce.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck and be strong for your kids. She has stabbed you in the back and destroyed you children's family all by herself, you had nothing to do with her cheating.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Ok, so as usual I'm coming in late after a lot of solid advice.

She started a betrayal, kept it up, told you, kept at it until the om had to end it. She lost love and respect for you and the marriage. You are barely her plan B. 

It is laudible you wanted to make it work, but it has been her decision to betray you and your begging to try and R.

What can I say?

I cannot imagine this not ending in divorce.


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## TTFTO (Sep 14, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> manfromlamancha said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry that you are here. Could you provide a few more details please ?
> ...


Wow all of you on this site and this site are awesome! I have never had so many responses to one post before. I am going to answer manfromlamamchas questions and maybe that will answer some of the others. I will add additional details as I think of them.

We are both in our early 40's and we are both still living together. We have been sleeping in the same bed until this last week when I move to the other side of the house. I had come home and we were talking and she said once again " I just don't love you anymore and I am not in love with you and I can't seem to get those feelings back no matter what I try." I said maybe we should find a way to end this then. We went and talked and started to divide things up on paper.

My flaws are that I did not protect her from my family in our marriage and that I choose them over her. At times I was not sensitive enough but mainly issues with my mother my one sister and a niece. She also has had major issues with her mother that have come up. I did see her point on these points and confronted them head on. Dealt with my mother directly and continue to do so. We have basically cut that relationship down to nothing. My sister lives 3 states away. I confronted her mom for her directly as well. The MC was impressed and gave me credit for the change. This is her go to on how I killed her heart any time she wants to fight or hurt me. She does say she feels guilty about the affair and has cried. Another reason she says she wants the divorce is that she does not think she will ever forgive herself.

I thought the marriage was good. She does not believe me when I tell her I did not realize some of the things she has now brought to light and how much they hurt her, but as soon as she did I changed and confronted the problem. I also read a book called " The Walk Away or Walk Out Woman" and it talks how most guys are just like me on this issue. We were drifting for around two years I would say. We were both overweight. She was not when we first got married. I loved her like she loved me in all stages but I started working out and the. She started working out. She asked to get a trainer I agreed and she has lost 100 lbs. Well also had got into wanting to compete in figure competitions well this can get expensive so I had to ask her to get a job to help so we did not have to keep dipping into the savings. She has now stated she thought I was punishing her because I was not supportive of it. I have also lost 160 lbs. Sex since the affair has been few and far between. Maybe 7-9 times in 10 months and now nothing. She has said she wants sex she just does not desire it with me. Sex was an issue in our marriage but I always wanted to make sure she had an O. This feels weird to share. 

She was a good mom and our kids do love her. She is consumed with her competition now and depressed with the affair and what has fallowed. She is doing almost nothing around the house. We get heated when it comes to the kids they are both in high school, and we have talked about joint custody and letting them decide. I have always worked for the most part and make a good living. Things are jointly owned.

Okay the OM this is where it stings. He is not married but has been divorced two times with multiple kids from different women. Works two jobs to keep up with child support and has filed for bankruptcy. They no longer work together I demanded that she quit as soon as I found out. The affair continued on different levels for around 10 mo and ended 3-4 weeks ago. I did meet when I had brought her coffee or lunch to work. I had even offered to bring him coffee once!!!! He is in his late 30's and they only worked together for a few months. 

No STD's that I know of both kids are mine for sure. I do believe this was the first time. 

I will try to answer more posts later. Thank you everyone for all your responses and advise. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever faced.

TRFTO


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OP, quit beating yourself up. If you want to figure life out where it comes to women, or how to actually deal with adulteresses, you need to face reality. Women aren't all that complicated and they want strange cºck from time to time. Most don't act on it, but many (including your wife) do act on it.

Almost all husbands are devalued by their wives over time and women are constantly sh!t testing their husbands. Fail too many of those and she'll slide someone else into your old spot. The more you try to win them back, the more contempt they have for you. Not to mention that affair sex is the hottest, kinkiest, sex she's ever had. You can't compete, because she can't let you see her inner slvt in action.

What did the OM's wife say when you exposed the affair?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mach

The OM is not married. He is 2x divorced.

TTFTO 

Give her divorce papers. She deserves them.

But more importantly she needs them.

Your wife has issues that you cannot help her with.

Did you guys have issues in your marriage? Sure you did.

But she chose to step out on you, lie and cheat multiple times.

Give her what she wants. Divorce.

Get a good attorney and only give her what is decided upon in court.

And while she light have been a good mother I assure that a "walk away wife" is not a good mom on the sense that she has now put herself above her children.

Let her start spending her own savings.

And you go save yourself.

Be cause the lesson your wife needs to learn about herself does not include you at this time.

HM


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

TTFTO said:


> We are both in our early 40's and we are both still living together. We have been sleeping in the same bed until this last week when I move to the other side of the house. I had come home and we were talking and she said once again " I just don't love you anymore and I am not in love with you and I can't seem to get those feelings back no matter what I try." I said maybe we should find a way to end this then. We went and talked and started to divide things up on paper.


You lost a lot of respect (attraction) by not kicking her to the curb immediately. That's what she said she expected you to do and you failed the sh!t test on that one. Then she claims it was only after that initial confession they had sex. Don't believe it. She's just saying that since it implies you were "OK" with it.



TTFTO said:


> My flaws are that I did not protect her from my family in our marriage and that I choose them over her. ... This is her go to on how I killed her heart any time she wants to fight or hurt me. She does say she feels guilty about the affair and has cried. Another reason she says she wants the divorce is that she does not think she will ever forgive herself.



All above is nothing but her rationalization hamster ginning up excuses. MC's buy into this 100% since it pays the bills. As for forgiving herself, I'm sure she sleeps like a baby every night, doesn't she?



TTFTO said:


> We were drifting for around two years I would say. We were both overweight. She was not when we first got married. I loved her like she loved me in all stages but I started working out and the. She started working out.


When did you start this?



TTFTO said:


> She asked to get a trainer I agreed and she has lost 100 lbs. Well also had got into wanting to compete in figure competitions well this can get expensive


And figure competition is kind of stupid IMHO. I'm a trainer myself including physique competitors and professional athletes. I'm also the first guy on here who will claim that 90% of wives affairs are somewhat related to the husband's sex rank (attraction) being lower than the wife's.

What class is she competing in?



TTFTO said:


> so I had to ask her to get a job to help so we did not have to keep dipping into the savings. She has now stated she thought I was punishing her because I was not supportive of it.


In a way this makes sense, as her hamster brain would consider you more attractive if you made enough dough to meet her every financial whim. This is part of the sex rank issue.



TTFTO said:


> I have also lost 160 lbs.


Since when? Remind my of when DDay was.



TTFTO said:


> Sex since the affair has been few and far between. Maybe 7-9 times in 10 months and now nothing.
> She has said she wants sex she just does not desire it with me.


How often do other women approach you for sex or rub their boobs on you "accidentally." Do they smile at you and bat their eyes? If so, apparently your wife doesn't see it happen. Most likely, she doesn't really see the New You. In her mind, you're still the guy no other woman would have. You unwittingly reinforced that by your display of oneitis when you were trying to woo her back into the marriage. 



TTFTO said:


> Sex was an issue in our marriage but I always wanted to make sure she had an O. This feels weird to share.


That's no good to her anymore. She wants to let her inner slvt out to play and she simply can't allow that to happen around you. You're vanilla, the father of her children. Who knows what kind of ****e she was up to with OM. you make love, she wants somebody to fook the ****e out of her.



TTFTO said:


> She was a good mom and our kids do love her. She is consumed with her competition now and depressed with the affair and what has fallowed. She is doing almost nothing around the house.


Who is she camming with during the day? You need to check her phone for sure. Girls who go so far as to get into competition tend to be even more NPD than normal women. They like to show the goods, my friend. 



TTFTO said:


> Okay the OM this is where it stings. He is not married but has been divorced two times with multiple kids from different women. Works two jobs to keep up with child support and has filed for bankruptcy. They no longer work together I demanded that she quit as soon as I found out.


Was this the job she got to pay for the trainer, anavar, and the clenbuterol? Figures. He's a player. Guys who practice do tend to score more points. As you should know heavy compounds increase endogenous testosterone (usually), and that's gong to increase her drive. And the juice will send it through the roof.



TTFTO said:


> The affair continued on different levels for around 10 mo and ended 3-4 weeks ago. I did meet when I had brought her coffee or lunch to work. I had even offered to bring him coffee once!!!! He is in his late 30's and they only worked together for a few months.
> 
> No STD's that I know of both kids are mine for sure. I do believe this was the first time.


Younger guy. You wasted a lot of time on this following the matriarchy's blueprint for dealing with a WW. Get the ball rolling for divorce. The odds are really long at this point in the meltdown, but you have to make sure she understands that you can and will replace her in five minutes. You do that by demonstrating an ability to move on. That's why wooing her was digging your own grave.

Upgrade your wardrobe to a guy ten years younger and 3X as loaded. Look around on the internet for fashion tips for straight guys.

Stop shaving. If you can pull it off you want heavy stubble (the experts say this starts the girls tingling). Change your hair to something completely different. Just let the girl cut it in what she thinks will look best. Alternative is to grow it out long. It doesn't matter if you like it, you're sending a signal.

Change your ride unless you've already got something suitable. What do you drive now? Do you have a chopper?

Start going out at night dressed to the nines.

What is your waist measurement at chest, shoulder, waist at navel, body fat %? How tall?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Mach
> 
> The OM is not married. He is 2x divorced.


Yeah, I saw that after I posted the first comment. OM was an experienced player with skilz.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

THat is why he should divorce her as fast as possible. Let her get used, abused.

Only by that happening will he ever get respect from her.

Hell, she asked for the divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TTFTO said:


> The thought has crossed my mind that she was going to try and show the OM she was serious about the divorce. The two sites that I was on a lot in the beginning was Marriage Builders and Divorce Busters. I also read a book called coping with a spouse after the affair. I read several different blogs and some physiology sites and articles. There were some other sites also but some of it is a bit of a fog now. As far as a braking point I am trying to figure myself out and why I have not had that yet. Part of the reason is *I don't want to put my kids through a divorce.*


*Excuse me, you won't be putting your kids through a divorce. That's all on your wife*.

Also, please remember that whilst it takes two to make a marriage work, it only takes one to destroy it.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

I read somewhere recently that if a door has been shut, don't stand there waiting for it to open again, but instead go in search of an open door. I found this advice very helpful. Looks like your wife has shut a door - realize there is another, more interesting door waiting for you to discover, that you may not even know exists yet. Here's hoping you find that other door. Best of luck to you!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TTFTO said:


> Wow all of you on this site and this site are awesome! I have never had so many responses to one post before. I am going to answer manfromlamamchas questions and maybe that will answer some of the others. I will add additional details as I think of them.
> 
> We are both in our early 40's and we are both still living together. We have been sleeping in the same bed until this last week when I move to the other side of the house. I had come home and we were talking and she said once again " I just don't love you anymore and I am not in love with you and I can't seem to get those feelings back no matter what I try." I said maybe we should find a way to end this then. We went and talked and started to divide things up on paper.
> 
> ...


We see this all the time on this site. Your wife is a very very manipulative woman. Her excuses are just ways she trying to put this on you and take away the blame from her. What is much worse is, how much blame you are taking for, since you found out about the affair. Now you are the guy that abandoned your mother and family for a cheating wife. An similar analogy for her reasons would be you cheating on her for not making you lunch. or not having sex with you everyday. Yes, she told you similar reasons and what is worse is you believe them. 


You had no deal breaker. You had no respect for yourself. Even now, you do not want to end the marriage. if she would end it tomorrow, you would probably jump with joy and take her back. 

Don't expect others to respect you when you cannot do it yourself


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"The problem with the other two websites is they try to nice cheaters out of heir affairs. We haven't really seen this work."

I agree.....absolutely the stupidest and most futile way to deal with a liar and traitor.

I still can't figure out why people think you can sweet talk a cheater back into being faithful.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You have a whole lot to overcome, to even get to a starting point to make this work

1st---you chose your family over her---she obviously hasn't forgotten that---but in her mind its there----and it alone was enuff to drive a wedge into your mge

2nd and biggest problem, right now---if your wife is in the world of fitness competition---she is right in the middle of a testosterone laden group of people who are oozing sex, hot virile bodies, and all that goes with it-----are you gonna be able to compete with that ON ANY LEVEL

Your wife at this point probably is not in love with you, and as to the physical, at this point she doesn't need you---she can look and play all she wants with her new hobby-----

also, she has not been put in a position of having to look at life on her own----you have and continue to support her, up until recently, you stayed in the same bed with her-----she had no consequences, didn't have to show remorse, and what did you make her accountable for?????????

She told you she was in an A, had not gone all the way, you rush down to be with her, and work this out, and while you are trying to get your life and mge., back together, what does she do----SHE GOES AHEAD AND SLEEPS WITH HER LOVER----what does that tell you about, what she thinks of you

It is time you read the handwriting on the wall---get your D, free yourself----and PUT HER OUT THERE ON HER OWN-------at some point in time in the future----SHE MAY WAKE UP, TO WHAT SHE HAS LOST----and want to return to you---at that point in time you can decide WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU----right now what is best for you, IS YOUR FREEDOM----this woman who you call your wife---has too many priorities, and you ARE NOT ONE OF THEM.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> We see this all the time on this site. Your wife is a very very manipulative woman. Her excuses are just ways she trying to put this on you and take away the blame from her. What is much worse is, how much blame you are taking for, since you found out about the affair. Now you are the guy that abandoned your mother and family for a cheating wife. An similar analogy for her reasons would be you cheating on her for not making you lunch. or not having sex with you everyday. Yes, she told you similar reasons and what is worse is you believe them.
> 
> 
> You had no deal breaker. You had no respect for yourself. Even now, you do not want to end the marriage. if she would end it tomorrow, you would probably jump with joy and take her back.
> ...



I am wondering about 'how he didn't protect' her from his family ? What were the circumstances ? What were they doing ?

Although married, that doesn't necessarily mean his wife is always right. Yes, his first priority, but I have a brother-in-law who chose a wife who decided to attack his family at will, isolated him, and he refused to put her in her place for needlessly attacking the family. Then she cheated on him for years and he is isolated which wouldn't be the case if he properly chose his family. 

I guess what I am saying is it comes down to who is right and wrong, times to peacemake, times to choose sides and times to recognize what is up. This guy here says he didn't choose her over family but didn't say what was going on. He torched his relationship with his family for her and now she's washing her hands of him. What does he have left ?

I agree with JMJ - 20 years is hard to swallow in giving up but she doesn't respect a decent man, time to get a D. 

I am sure he'll continue to stick it out but at least lay papers on her, do a 180 and so on. He's in his 40s and life is too short to throw away for a cheat


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If she quit her job, who's paying for her training, bills, and other expenses? Let me guess..........hmmmmmmm not the other bankrupt @sshole. Was he training and working out too?

Take half the money out of your accts and open your own accts. Close all joint credit card accts too. Give her nothing. Let her know what single life is really like.

Remember to follow the 180. Most importantly, be cheerful around everyone but her. Around her, just be blank, like Mr. Spock. Keep your convos with her to things like yes, no, and discusion about kids and their schedules.

Go to dadsdivorce.com for father friendly divorce advice.

Remember, she stabbed you and the kids in the back. This is all on her, not you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Lot of good coaching here. The pros must see potential in you. Follow their advice. Toughen up. You'll get through this and your wife will show genuine remorse and put you first. If not, you'll be done and ready to move on.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

BTW

Read the whole thread by poster named BFF.

Crash, burn and spectacular new life after. Honestly they should sticky his thread.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> I still can't figure out why people think you can sweet talk a cheater back into being faithful.


It does work...

2% of the time.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> It does work...
> 
> 2% of the time.


And that's rounding up from 1.5%


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TTFTO said:


> As far as a braking point I am trying to figure myself out and why I have not had that yet. Part of the reason is I don't want to put my kids through a divorce.


 Putting any of your weakness on the children is total bull that they will resent you for. The truth is that your children are not young children whose world revolves around their parents, they are in high school and their world is no longer very dependent on their parents; especially since they will soon be moving out. The real issue that you should be worried about is how your weakness in dealing with your wife's cheating, will negatively impact your children's long term respect for you. Once they move out, that respect is pretty much all a parent has to work with when interacting with their children for the rest of their lives.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

What resists, persists.

The WORSE thing you can do fight against a divorce. You need to tell her right away this is what you want and you are looking forward to a life without her.

All your "nice guy" behavior has made you look like a bad choice in her eyes. She (no woman) is interested in a guy that would fight to keep an cheating spouse, especially one that has already checked out of the marriage. Because you never put your foot down she lost respect for you and you ended up enabling the affair. Had the OM not dumped her she would still be in it.

The ONLY thing that works is tough love, they have to hit rock bottom before R is even in the picture and to do that you have to turn your back on them. 

That being said, in your case it looks like she may be too far gone so you need to get your ducks in a row for a divorce and hope she doesn't fight you. You don't have a choice, you can't force her to stay and an attempt to make her will backfire. 

If you love something, set it free...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

OP....and this applies to MANY BS's (betrayed spouse).

Blameshifting is an art form. It is one of the most devastating tools a WS (wayward spouse). The WS will latch onto their perceived issues with the BS. Usually they're smaller minor problems that they can blow up into huge issues. Most BS's buy into this because of the old "it takes two to make a marriage work" mentality.

Many BS's accept this blameshifting. It's a technique that removes guilt and blame from the WS for their affair and places it on the BS. Your WW is doing this technique perfectly.

Here's the problem. "It takes two to make a marriage work". And you made some mistakes...but where was the other part of the TWO? What was your wife doing during this. She was obviously expressing her issues and telling you her thoughts throughout this whole period. Right...She handled her 50% PERFECTLY...right?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

TTFTO said:


> I am pretty sure that I have handled some things wrong over this past year
> 
> *Yes you did, as evidenced here:*
> 
> I say I forgive her and I love her and our kids and want our marriage to work. I fly out to where she is and we have a crazy emotional week


First, understand that you won't find the same approach to handling a cheating spouse on this site as the other sites you visited.

As other posters have suggested, when you instantly forgave her, gave her no consequences, failed to do the 180 and talk to an attorney - she lost even more respect for you; and you were then slotted by her as only a plan B option.

Would not making those mistakes have made a difference? Maybe or maybe not, but it would have given you a much better chance to save your marriage than accepting blame and trying to nice her back.

Now you are in a position where the only thing you can do is to file for divorce yourself and implement the 180 to detach from her - until your D is final. Then you can hope against hope, that this late in the game, this will influence her to turn around.

If by some small chance she does, don't make the same mistakes again. She has to earn her chance at R. You working on your marital issues comes after that.

Sorry you're going through this.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

alphaomega said:


> And one thing I suggest...go join a martial arts class. An hour long class learning how to break bones, while getting in shape at the same time, somehow clears your mental focus. Or do thus with jogging or weightlifting. Just do something for you. (I joined martial arts. The oldest guy in the class, lol, but did those little punks ever get me into shape fast.)


:yay:


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

OP I suggest you go and read Machiavelli's reply to your follow up post because it is a very simple matter of respect.

It's doesn't matter her reasons for cheating, it matters that even after the initial discovery she still went and banged him over your head. Disrespect.

She can't even show you respect enough to say sorry and come to the table and try to work on things. Now it's you moving out the marital bed. No.

She wants to divorce, she gets to stepping, sleep on the couch for all you care.

Dude gets your n*ts back and start taking control of your life. Respect yourself, no one else will do it for you.


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

I see this very differently than most of our society. 

JAMA (1999) article will teach you that 31% of adult American males are sexually dysfunctional, 43% percent American females are sexually dysfunctional. They have invented a pill for males but noting for females. The older she gets the more likely she will become dysfunctional.

She thinks because she is no longer sexual attracted to you, she must not love you anymore. Very common misconception. 

We have been in a agriculture(farming) society for about 8000 years. Before that we were hunters and gathers and women were promiscuous. Women have not evolved enough to be monogamous for life. Our family values are not currently working for society. Divorce rates are above 50% and have been since the early 70's, infidelity for men is 57% women 54%. Sexless marriage is 20% or more not body really knows the true number. This all adds up to big trouble for marriages. 

If your wife was to have sex with a other man... she would be a *****, ****... and most likely you would divorce her and shame her! She is good women and will do the right thing by divorcing you before having sex with someone else. She is not a cheating ****! You married a good women!.. and I think well worth keeping. Mother nature is calling, she feels it and you can't stop it and our family values are unforgiving for her natural instinct. 

Good luck!


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Melvynman said:


> I see this very differently than most of our society.
> 
> JAMA (1999) article will teach you that 31% of adult American males are sexually dysfunctional, 43% percent American females are sexually dysfunctional. They have invented a pill for males but noting for females. The older she gets the more likely she will become dysfunctional.
> 
> ...


LOL, really? That's crazy town.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Melvynman said:


> I see this very differently than most of our society.
> 
> JAMA (1999) article will teach you that 31% of adult American males are sexually dysfunctional, 43% percent American females are sexually dysfunctional. They have invented a pill for males but noting for females. The older she gets the more likely she will become dysfunctional.
> 
> ...


I don't understand what you are saying. You do realise that she has already cheated - slept with a man who doesn't want her anymore - so she did not divorce before having sex with someone else. How is she a good woman? 

Despite this, OP has not "shamed her" but is in fact trying to get her back. Your comment about Mother Nature making her do this is in line with the thinking of a group of people who believe that monogamy is unnatural and you have taken this further by saying that this is particularly true of women and that historically they have been promiscuous and that this is natural. Is this what you believe? Or are you just pushing everyone's buttons here?


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Melvynman said:


> I see this very differently than most of our society.
> 
> JAMA (1999) article will teach you that 31% of adult American males are sexually dysfunctional, 43% percent American females are sexually dysfunctional. They have invented a pill for males but noting for females. The older she gets the more likely she will become dysfunctional.
> 
> ...


Really? Just can't help herself it's predispose because of genetics! I needed a good laugh. Glad I wasn't drinking milk when I read that. Probably would have shot out my nose. 

You should spread that stuff on the lawn. That much fertilizer would make the grass grow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Double google translation?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Melvynman said:


> I see this very differently than most of our society.
> 
> JAMA (1999) article will teach you that 31% of adult American males are sexually dysfunctional, 43% percent American females are sexually dysfunctional. They have invented a pill for males but noting for females. The older she gets the more likely she will become dysfunctional.
> 
> ...


 Is this the counter to men cheat because they are trying to preserve their bloodline? LOL. Oh and please fact check, I can refute every number you posted with some simple stats as well. Oh and there is a pill for women, a couple in fact. It's 2014 come to the future, 1999 is a long time ago.


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## TTFTO (Sep 14, 2014)

Thank you for this list!!!


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Praying for you today OP. Hang in there friend!


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

@TTFTO

I've been in your shoes.. You want nothing more but to fix this and they want nothing more to leave.. Everyone settles in with reality at their own pace..

What I can tell you is once you give it to them what they want, you will be happy too. It takes some time, but what I have come to discover is there are MANY, MANY people in their 40s in our shoes.. 

MANY of which want the same things we do. They come with their own mixed past. But in the end they realize life is short and everyone just wants to be happy and with someone. Yes a few are happy to be alone but I honestly believe in the end they want to be with someone also. Even if its just to make them soup or get their meds when they are sick in bed. But in the end everyone wants to be with someone. 

Again some people get it sooner than later.

What I can impart to you is what my mom told me when I was going through my own divorce. My mom was 80 years old at the time. She is 82 now.. I was 45 and my Ex wife was 48 at the time.

My mom is big chested and a bit heavy set.. 

As my mom is cheering me up or trying at least, because I was DEVASTATED.. 

She points to her chest and ass and says to me... Look, the older you get, these things ( again pointing her chest and ass ) go down.. They don't go up... Your wife is no gina lollobrigida.. 

Men find women who are younger, not older.. The man she is with is already old ( 53 or 54 ) and hes gonna get older.. Your wife is not going to find a younger man.. 

You're going to find a younger woman who will be where your wife is today 10 years from now.. 10 years from now your wife will be collecting social security.. 

My mom said this to me early 2013.. I posted it in the past in my own thread..

Today I'm with a woman 7 years younger than me and 10 years younger than my Ex wife.. She is so attractive that it causes me issues and brings along it own relationship issues I have to deal with. She also works for a living and makes a 6 figure salary as well. 

But she tells me she loves me all the time. Again I have my own issues brought on by my Ex wife and her affair. But we have come to an understanding that we fight hard and love hard.. 

We are committed to making things work out between us at least and we both want to be happy with each other and make each other happy as well. 

My mom seen this 2 years ago.. I couldn't see anything but my blind love and devotion for my cheating, disrespectful, uncaring and unkind Ex wife.. 

I wanted to give so much to a person who treated me so horrible. 

Even as we were divorcing I recall my Ex wife texting me something along the lines of I wasn't acting like a kid being on the computer until 4AM that this would not have happened. 

I told her is that it ??? because I was on a computer ??? You couldn't just tell me hey get off the computer ? You had to have an affair ? Well I guess you proved your point.. 

As Walkonmars said in his first post to me.. If it wasn't that it would be the toilet seat was up.. 

I couldnt' fix something that I never knew was broken.. Neither can you..

Also as was stated, You can't do anything as long as that other man is in the picture.. Which was my own issue.. I caught her and the affair went underground.. I knew something wasnt right but she fooled me and the therapist/ MC.. Mind you I want to let you know we had sex 2 to 3 times a week up until the day I caught her.. Then it was even more during the follow fake reconciliation.. Go figure that one, she was so sneaky that all she needed to do was just fvck me to keep me quiet and from snooping.. In many ways it worked.. 

This sh!t gets better, you just don't see it right now. Once I was really on my own then I could think a bit more clearly..


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hth

Utterly masterful post.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> Men find women who are younger, not older.. The man she is with is already old ( 53 or 54 ) and hes gonna get older.. Your wife is not going to find a younger man..


Exactly. Your mother knew what all women used to know. When a women in her 30's, 40's, and up steps out, the BH is getting ready to land something_ younger and hotter._ It's pretty much a law of nature.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Exactly. Your mother knew what all women used to know. When a women in her 30's, 40's, and up steps out, the BH is getting ready to land something_ younger and hotter._ It's pretty much a law of nature.


TT television today tries to make males look like wimps.
Here.

It Takes a Thief Opening (First Season) - YouTube


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Divorce, 180, be a great father, split amicably, let her go, don't chase. Date younger hotter women, work out, run, eat well. Move on.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

TheFlood117 said:


> Divorce, 180, be a great father, split amicably, let her go, don't chase. Date younger hotter women, work out, run, eat well. Move on.


The Flood has it in a nutshell. I would only add, don't believe anything she says anymore. Even if it sounds like the truth, there will be elements of falsehood within.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I can not be said enough. Read the whole thread by poster BFF.

Horrific start. EPIC end.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TTFTO said:


> Sex since the affair has been few and far between. Maybe 7-9 times in 10 months and now nothing. She has said she wants sex she just does not desire it with me.


That's because losing you was never an issue. She has never worried about losing you. It's basic psychology. If you want her to want you, you have to be willing to WALK AWAY. She will only desire you if you respect yourself enough to say "I deserve better than this. And I'll go out and FIND it." 

Doing that is the single best option you have of saving your marriage - but you have to be willing to risk losing it. Are you? Because trust me, if you're not, SHE KNOWS. And has no respect - or DESIRE - for you because of it.

Women are typically only attracted to men who can walk away from them.

Get the divorce started. Stay in MC. But make it clear you're on your way out. Since you've lost so much weight, start buying a killer wardrobe, that you know women will drool over. Wear cologne. Get a new haircut. Get that V shape at the gym. Start going out physically - hang out with friends, go on group outings without her, take a class, pick up a hobby...let her SEE what your single life looks like without her. Let her see how other women react to you.

I predict you'll start seeing a change in her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I spent far too many years trying to "fix" our marriage before I divorced my ex-wife and moved on.

I was convinced that somehow I could do it by sheer force of will.

But you know what? It is not possible to put the toothpaste back into the tube once it's squeezed out.

I worried about all the same things everyone else does: marriage failure, impact on kids, finances, what do I do after?

But you know what? All that gets sorted out in a MUCH healthier way than being dragged down by an insufficient, cheating spouse.

Post-divorce I have relocated, bought a new house, purchased a truck, gotten a new job.

And best of all, I found a woman who loves me and we married in March.

So what has the ex-wife accomplished since the divorce?

As far as I can tell, nothing. She spends her time chanting to utube videos about ascended masters, tries to convince our kids about how terrible I was to her, and occasionally she contacts me to tell me there is something wrong with the huge support check she gets.

I've only seen her once since leaving her and would have avoided that if it were not some event my son was involved with.

While the advice to get in great physical shape is good, it is not really necessary in order move on, so don't use that as an excuse to stay if you can't be Mr. Universe.

In the last two years my life has improved dramatically, the ex lives a pitiable, pointless life.

At this point, I just wish she convinced some idiot to marry her so I can stop paying her a check.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

michzz said:


> And best of all, I found a woman who loves me and we married in March.
> 
> So what has the ex-wife accomplished since the divorce?
> 
> As far as I can tell, nothing. She spends her time chanting to utube videos about ascended masters, tries to convince our kids about how terrible I was to her, and occasionally she contacts me to tell me there is something wrong with the huge support check she gets.


OK I gotta ask. Ascended masters? pm me a link I need a laugh

Was she a cheater or just mean? Your threads look all new.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

weightlifter said:


> OK I gotta ask. Ascended masters? pm me a link I need a laugh
> 
> Was she a cheater or just mean? Your threads look all new.


I deleted a lot of my earlier postings in a fit of thinking it wasn't useful.

She was a long term cheater who used bizarre "logic' as her excuses. Basic cheaters script stuff.

I'll PM you about the ascended masters.


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## TTFTO (Sep 14, 2014)

ecotime47 said:


> Praying for you today OP. Hang in there friend!



Thank you I will take all of the prayers I can get.


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## TTFTO (Sep 14, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> OP....and this applies to MANY BS's (betrayed spouse).
> 
> Blameshifting is an art form. It is one of the most devastating tools a WS (wayward spouse). The WS will latch onto their perceived issues with the BS. Usually they're smaller minor problems that they can blow up into huge issues. Most BS's buy into this because of the old "it takes two to make a marriage work" mentality.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this post about blame shifting it is helping to open my eyes and put things into their proper perspective.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

To you this is new. To many of the posters here, it is like a movie that they've seen 100 times. That's why they understand it and can give good advice about how to proceed.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> I can not be said enough. Read the whole thread by poster BFF.
> 
> Horrific start. *EPIC end.*


Well, except for the small fortune that he's paying (every month) in alimony to his ex.

California is a lovely state but OH MY DEAR GOD do they need MAJOR changes to their *archaic* divorce and alimony laws...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Well, except for the small fortune that he's paying (every month) in alimony to his ex.
> 
> California is a lovely state but OH MY DEAR GOD do they need MAJOR changes to their *archaic* divorce and alimony laws...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Gov. Reagan first no fault state 1968 or 9.

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## TTFTO (Sep 14, 2014)

Tough day today lots of different emotions. I have been reading BFF's thread and some others brings back my own punch in the gut when my wife told me the reason she went all the way finally with the OM was because she needed some comfort. Lots of soul searching today broke down a couple of times it just sucks this place right now. Feels like everything is being blown up. I was not a bad husband I know that I worked hard to provide a dang good life for her and my kids. Feels like I am being sentenced for something that I did not do. Sorry for the pitty party just a tough day. Worked on the 180 today kept everything short and simple but so did she. We go to the gym a lot. I went by myself tonight. Took one of my kids shopping for some cloths and we had a good time. Went to one of the suggested websites and started asking some tough questions about divorce and what to expect. I would not wish the pain of an affair on anyone I would have to say that it is the worst pain that I have felt in my life. Thanks for all the great advise I am trying to keep up and I will continue to post and update as I move forward. I have a trip for my job next week so will be out of town for a few days.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you letting her SEE you move forward on the divorce? Are you calling up friends and going out with them?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude. No worries on the pity party thing.

THAT IS WHY many of us hang around AFTER the discovery. To keep pointing there is a road up. You are simply too far down in the valley of life to see it. I get to fly 50,000 feet above you, not living your grief.

I use the BFF thread for a reason. He won. It was not perfect but in the end. He won. EPIC STYLE!

You see his road down. THERE IS A ROAD UP in that thread.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

TTFTO said:


> I would not wish the pain of an affair on anyone I would have to say that it is the worst pain that I have felt in my life


I can assure you there are much, much worse pains one can encounter in life.

It just happens that everybody's pain at the moment, however small and short in the eyes of others, is completely filling one's field of view and all one's senses.

You need to feel the pain to process the things that happen and like is said, finally there will be a way up, and a bright future.

Accept you don't see it now, accept to feel the pain. Do not run for alcohol or drugs, go work out, weightlifting, running, martial arts. You will do good later on!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

We'll get you thru bro!


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## TTFTO (Sep 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> Are you letting her SEE you move forward on the divorce? Are you calling up friends and going out with them?


Tried to post this twice last night off my phone with no luck. Yesterday I asked her if she had finished her resume and set up interviews. I am not trying to spend any extra time with her. I know that these seem like some small and maybe lame steps. It has taken me a long time to get here, and everything that all of you are posting and sharing with me is helping me tremendously. I can feel my attachment to her starting to fade, my feelings twords her starting to die, and my confidence starting to grow. I told a counsilor I see sometimes once it is the craziest thing I am normally a pretty level headed and logical guy who can think things through. I have owned and sold a successful business. I manage three companies for the firm who bought us out and have to make some hard decisions almost every week, but when it comes to this women it is like I am a dumb struck love sick teenager. It feels like I am ripping part of myself away, losing a part of my soul. She was at one time my best friend. Part of the grieving process they say is acceptance and I think I am getting there. I don't hate her and I am tying to get over hating the OM. That has been a really unhealthy part of my life, and I hope it continues to fade from my mind. I do not want to become bitter as the pain of this past year is sure to resurface as I have to put all of this into motion now. In reading BFF's thread I really do admire his strength and how he handled himself. I have not finished it yet. I am looking forward to reading his ending. Thanks for your ear everyone I will keep posting as I have time. I am headed out of town on Monday for work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Aside from asking about her resume, you didn't answer my question. Are you showing her your steps toward divorce? Does she see you talking to your lawyer? See your paperwork? Are you going out with your friends and telling her 'I'm heading out, I may stay at Fred's house tonight, as we'll be out late'?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The number one thing you need tomask her is where the thirty year old women hang out. You can also volunteer to find out where the 50-60 year old men hang out.

Then ask her again if she has her resume together.

Of course I'm assuming you have already stopped putting money in joint bank accts, taken half the money and put in your ownnaccts. Stopped all joint credit cardsnetc. This is not being mean it is fiscal responsibility and to let her know there is a new day. Stop paying for her training asap.


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