# No Interest In Dating?



## WasDecimated

I’m in my early 50’s and have been divorced for over 3 ½ years now. I’ve been here for a while and some of you may know my story. In a nut shell…I found out my ex was cheating for 1 ½ years, I tried to save our marriage by doing everything wrong, and I ended up filing and divorcing her anyway. I am currently raising my teenage kids alone.

Here’s the issue. I know many folks that are divorced. The vast majority of them, within a few years, have already remarried or are in serious relationships. My friends and relatives are constantly trying to set me up with divorced women. They all think I should be involved with someone by now. They seem to equate dating or being in a relationship with moving on. I feel like I have moved on, but alone…not with someone else. By contrast, XWW was on 3 different dating sites within 2 weeks of moving out.

Here’s the thing, I don’t seem to have any interest in dating or beginning a new relationship. I suppose it doesn’t help that I haven’t met anyone that I wanted to go on a second date with. I do miss some things about being in a relationship…especially sex and physical contact but apparently not enough to invest the time and effort into growing a relationship to get it. Unfortunately for me, I’ve always been one that only desires sex within the context of an emotional and committed relationship. Thinking about starting a new relationship just seems so exhausting to me. I would much rather spend that time and energy pursuing other interests that have a better personal rate of return with less emotional risk. 

So, does this seem normal? Does anyone else here feel this same way or am I morphing into a reclusive hermit?


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## EllisRedding

Decimated said:


> Thinking about starting a new relationship just seems so exhausting to me. I would much rather spend that time and energy pursuing other interests that have a better personal rate of return with less emotional risk.


This seems perfectly normal, at least to me. On one side it can be exhilarating learning about someone new, but on the other side it can be exhausting learning about someone new.

For example, I like that fact that my W and I can spend time with each other without saying a word , we are just that comfortable with each other. With a new person you probably feel like you have to force conversation to keep away the awkward silence. Another example, my W and I don't really do gifts anymore for special occasions. With a new person now you gotta start stressing over what to get for her bday, valentine's day, etc...

IDK, I say stick with your gut feeling. If you don't want to invest into another person just make the most of the time with yourself and your kids. I don't understand the desire for others to try to push you into a relationship, it sounds like they are more doing it for themselves than they are doing for you.


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## jorgegene

doesn't matter if it's 'normal'.

who cares about 'normal'. do what you want and what feels right. 

don't give in to the pressure, either family, friends or society.
too many bad life mistakes are made doing things 'because we're suppose to'.

choose your own path. you will be happier for it.

i did. i didn't date for 20 years and everything turned out just fine.


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## GuyInColorado

Seems fine to me. 

The high of starting a new relationship is so fun though.


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## jb02157

It seems to me that given what you went through, having another relationship with woman wouldn't be that appealing. Maybe you'll find someone eventually, may be you won't and there's definitely nothing wrong with that if you're comfortable with it. Both you and I made bad choices the first time around, I don't think that I would be in a hurry to find someone else if I ever get the chance one day.


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## Wolf1974

If you don't want to date you don't have to. Life is yours to make what you want. You're right some remarry quickly. Most of my divorced friends are now remarrying, I'm fine remaining single. Some of my friends won't even date and have no interest in it. To best of my knowledge my X hasn't dated anyone in about 3 years or so. Just make choices that's right for you and not what others want you to do.


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## southbound

Decimated said:


> I’m in my early 50’s and have been divorced for over 3 ½ years now. I’ve been here for a while and some of you may know my story. In a nut shell…I found out my ex was cheating for 1 ½ years, I tried to save our marriage by doing everything wrong, and I ended up filing and divorcing her anyway. I am currently raising my teenage kids alone.
> 
> Here’s the issue. I know many folks that are divorced. The vast majority of them, within a few years, have already remarried or are in serious relationships. My friends and relatives are constantly trying to set me up with divorced women. They all think I should be involved with someone by now. They seem to equate dating or being in a relationship with moving on. I feel like I have moved on, but alone…not with someone else. By contrast, XWW was on 3 different dating sites within 2 weeks of moving out.
> 
> Here’s the thing, I don’t seem to have any interest in dating or beginning a new relationship. I suppose it doesn’t help that I haven’t met anyone that I wanted to go on a second date with. I do miss some things about being in a relationship…especially sex and physical contact but apparently not enough to invest the time and effort into growing a relationship to get it. Unfortunately for me, I’ve always been one that only desires sex within the context of an emotional and committed relationship. Thinking about starting a new relationship just seems so exhausting to me. I would much rather spend that time and energy pursuing other interests that have a better personal rate of return with less emotional risk.
> 
> So, does this seem normal? Does anyone else here feel this same way or am I morphing into a reclusive hermit?


Wow! You basically just described my attitude about dating after my divorce; I've been divorced for 6 years. So, if they take you away to Arkham Asylum because you're not normal; they'll have to come get me too. :smile2:

The thing is, I've been single long enough that I have gotten to know who I am as a person. I feel like I know myself now more than ever, and I've discovered that I enjoy being single quite well. I feel I have moved on much better on my own. As you wrote, starting a new relationship just seems exhausting to me. I've got this feeling of "been there, done that," and the thoughts of it just doesn't excite me. 

I haven't totally written off a new relationship, but I just want it to happen naturally. If I bump into a woman at the grocery sometime or a woman is hired at my work and we click, that's fine, but I'm not hitting the town on weekends looking for women; I just don't have the desire. Like you, I'm happier putting the energy into doing something else. I see where people ask for advice about dating after a divorce, and i think, "Good grief, you've only been single a few weeks, what's the rush?"

I'm sure this is due to personality type. Some people just can't stand to be alone for 10 minutes, or the thoughts of not being in a relationship, so, as soon as one relationship ends, they are right back in the game. Personally, I don't get lonely just because I'm not in a relationship. Heck, some of the times I enjoy most are being at home by myself.

Another thing I have in common is that I too only enjoy sex within a committed and emotional relationship; however, I didn't really realize that about myself until after the divorce. Oddly enough, I wanted sex more often than my x wife; that was actually one of our issues, but since we are divorced and that emotional tie is gone, that is no longer a driving force either. I suppose sexual desire is what drives a lot of people to seek out new relationships so quickly.

For whatever reason, a lot of people think single people are sad and lonely if they are not in a relationship and that one can't be truly happy unless they are, and if you aren't dating after a certain period, I guess they assume you must have mental issues, but that doesn't apply to everyone. The key is knowing yourself. If a person is truly happy being single, why try to force anything else? It doesn't really matter whether other people understand it or not; they won't be the ones having to deal with your relationship.


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## Cooper

southbound said:


> Wow! You basically just described my attitude about dating after my divorce; I've been divorced for 6 years. So, if they take you away to Arkham Asylum because you're not normal; they'll have to come get me too. :smile2:
> 
> The thing is, I've been single long enough that I have gotten to know who I am as a person. I feel like I know myself now more than ever, and I've discovered that I enjoy being single quite well. I feel I have moved on much better on my own. As you wrote, starting a new relationship just seems exhausting to me. I've got this feeling of "been there, done that," and the thoughts of it just doesn't excite me.
> 
> I haven't totally written off a new relationship, but I just want it to happen naturally. If I bump into a woman at the grocery sometime or a woman is hired at my work and we click, that's fine, but I'm not hitting the town on weekends looking for women; I just don't have the desire. Like you, I'm happier putting the energy into doing something else. I see where people ask for advice about dating after a divorce, and i think, "Good grief, you've only been single a few weeks, what's the rush?"
> 
> I'm sure this is due to personality type. Some people just can't stand to be alone for 10 minutes, or the thoughts of not being in a relationship, so, as soon as one relationship ends, they are right back in the game. Personally, I don't get lonely just because I'm not in a relationship. Heck, some of the times I enjoy most are being at home by myself.
> 
> Another thing I have in common is that I too only enjoy sex within a committed and emotional relationship; however, I didn't really realize that about myself until after the divorce. Oddly enough, I wanted sex more often than my x wife; that was actually one of our issues, but since we are divorced and that emotional tie is gone, that is no longer a driving force either. I suppose sexual desire is what drives a lot of people to seek out new relationships so quickly.
> 
> For whatever reason, a lot of people think single people are sad and lonely if they are not in a relationship and that one can't be truly happy unless they are, and if you aren't dating after a certain period, I guess they assume you must have mental issues, but that doesn't apply to everyone. The key is knowing yourself. If a person is truly happy being single, why try to force anything else? It doesn't really matter whether other people understand it or not; they won't be the ones having to deal with your relationship.


Well said and I echo your feelings. All my life I have been a giver/care taker type, at 55 years old I'm tired of that, I want to be selfish with my time and have become very protective of the free time I have. 

I like to go on an occasional date but the thought of bringing someone into my life on a day to day basis has little appeal to me. I truly love living alone.


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## southbound

Cooper said:


> Well said and I echo your feelings. All my life I have been a giver/care taker type, at 55 years old I'm tired of that, I want to be selfish with my time and have become very protective of the free time I have.
> 
> I like to go on an occasional date but the thought of bringing someone into my life on a day to day basis has little appeal to me. I truly love living alone.


True for me as well. When I think about what I would get out of a new relationship, I realize that my life would change to a degree; My life wouldn't be 100% like it is now; therefore, I have to ask myself if I wish anything were currently with different in my life, and what would the gains of a relationship be?

I currently like where I live, both house and town, I like my lifestyle, I don't feel lonely, I do what I want when I want, I manage my money as I desire, etc. There is really nothing I'm eager to change.

There is no emptiness that I'm looking to fill, so why pursue a relationship just because it seems like the "normal" thing to do?


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## Cooper

southbound said:


> True for me as well. When I think about what I would get out of a new relationship, I realize that my life would change to a degree; My life wouldn't be 100% like it is now; therefore, I have to ask myself if I wish anything were currently with different in my life, and what would the gains of a relationship be?
> 
> I currently like where I live, both house and town, I like my lifestyle, I don't feel lonely, I do what I want when I want, I manage my money as I desire, etc. There is really nothing I'm eager to change.
> 
> There is no emptiness that I'm looking to fill, so why pursue a relationship just because it seems like the "normal" thing to do?


It's funny how some of my married friends envy me and say "you can do what you want when you want". I look at it a bit differently, to me it's not about doing what I want when I want, it's about NOT HAVING to do anything I don't want to do.

-I don't have to go to a concert on a Tuesday night.
-I don't have to worry about coming home from work on Friday and finding out my entire weekend is booked up doing things and going places when I would rather just chill at home and work on some projects.
-No one is going to make me spend another week of vacation at a Florida beach (thank God)
-I never have to ask 500 questions to find out where that $1000 out of the checking account disappeared to.
-I don't have to tip toe around the house in silence every morning.

Maybe I have lost the ability to compromise, I don't care. I know how I am, if I become involved in a relationship I will always give and sacrifice more of myself than I expect out of the other. In order for me to be selfish I need to be single.


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## rockon

Cooper said:


> It's funny how some of my married friends envy me and say "you can do what you want when you want". I look at it a bit differently, to me it's not about doing what I want when I want, it's about NOT HAVING to do anything I don't want to do.
> 
> -I don't have to go to a concert on a Tuesday night.
> -I don't have to worry about coming home from work on Friday and finding out my entire weekend is booked up doing things and going places when I would rather just chill at home and work on some projects.
> -No one is going to make me spend another week of vacation at a Florida beach (thank God)
> -I never have to ask 500 questions to find out where that $1000 out of the checking account disappeared to.
> -I don't have to tip toe around the house in silence every morning.
> 
> Maybe I have lost the ability to compromise, I don't care. I know how I am, if I become involved in a relationship I will always give and sacrifice more of myself than I expect out of the other. In order for me to be selfish I need to be single.


I wish I could "like" this 100 times.

I agree with everything you said (except the Florida beach, I live in Florida). 

I am out of a serious LTR for about 5 years, and while I dated a bunch, I am no longer looking for serious/LTR anymore. I even have a thread on this subject. I guess being single for a long time and my age (51) I am happy being single and don't want a serious relationship.


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## oskar

I don't think the problem is you. 

You have been dating but you haven't met anyone you want to see a second time.

That's just how it is out there. It takes time to meet someone who you click with.

When you do, it will be all good.


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## Rowan

Cooper said:


> -I don't have to go to a concert on a Tuesday night.
> -I don't have to worry about coming home from work on Friday and finding out my entire weekend is booked up doing things and going places when I would rather just chill at home and work on some projects.
> -No one is going to make me spend another week of vacation at a Florida beach (thank God)
> -I never have to ask 500 questions to find out where that $1000 out of the checking account disappeared to.
> -I don't have to tip toe around the house in silence every morning.



I'm a woman. I have never in my entire life "made" a partner do any of this stuff. I don't organize his time without his consent. I don't plan vacations without his consent. I don't spend more than the agreed upon amount of "fun" money each of us is budgeted for without agreement. And I don't expect anyone to tiptoe around me, ever. I also wouldn't remain in a relationship with a man who made those types of demands of me. I do expect that finding truly win/win (as opposed to win/lose or win/grudging acceptance) solutions to any issues will be something we work for as a couple. 

Honestly, I think if you were jumping through these sorts of hoops, the problem might have been with either the types of women you were with or your personal boundaries - maybe both - rather than with relationships as a whole. My natural inclination is also to be a giver, and it can be hard to restrain that instinct, but I've learned that it is possible to expect reciprocity without going too far into either over-giving or being a taker. A relationship is _not_ necessary for happiness. But it shouldn't be a source of long-term suffering, aggravation and sacrifice, either - for either party. A good relationship enhances your life, it doesn't take it over so that it's unrecognizable to you. It can be a balancing act, and not everyone thinks it's worthwhile to find that balance. But if you are so inclined, it really is entirely possible to find a relationship that includes real reciprocity and sharing.


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## southbound

Cooper said:


> It's funny how some of my married friends envy me and say "you can do what you want when you want". I look at it a bit differently, to me it's not about doing what I want when I want, it's about NOT HAVING to do anything I don't want to do.
> 
> -I don't have to go to a concert on a Tuesday night.
> -I don't have to worry about coming home from work on Friday and finding out my entire weekend is booked up doing things and going places when I would rather just chill at home and work on some projects.
> -No one is going to make me spend another week of vacation at a Florida beach (thank God)
> -I never have to ask 500 questions to find out where that $1000 out of the checking account disappeared to.
> -I don't have to tip toe around the house in silence every morning.
> 
> Maybe I have lost the ability to compromise, I don't care. I know how I am, if I become involved in a relationship I will always give and sacrifice more of myself than I expect out of the other. In order for me to be selfish I need to be single.


True. I suppose I view not having to do anything I don't want to do as doing "what i want when I want." I'm also like you, I may have lost the ability to compromise. I'm not sure I am excited about doing anything that is planned for me.


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## Satya

Decimated, I went for over 2 years after my first divorce before even attempting dating again. I kept telling myself over and over I'd never date again, let alone marry. My opinion changed over time and with some deep healing. Yours may or may not, but you should never use someone else's compass to plot the direction of your life.

I had to keep telling myself that the people who were pressuring me to date before I was ready (mainly my MOM .... it's what mom's do!) were doing this because they cared for me and wanted to see me happy. Sure, some people don't truly care about your happiness and just want to tell you what to do. Hopefully wisdom and experience can help you to weed out those types vs. those who are truly invested in your happiness.

While it was annoying having that external pressure, I did my best to ignore it and not to get angry with the people that just wished me well. Better to have well wishes from them than to have no one give a damn about my future and happiness. It reminded me that there are people who do root for me.

When *I* was ready to date, I went through some dating hiccups for about a year and then I found my current husband. I couldn't have predicted it would happen the way it did, but I was absolutely prepared to live the rest of my life happily and alone... OK, maybe with 40 cats. :rofl: 

The difference in me from the time before my divorce to the present, is that even though I am married and happy I feel confident that I could still have a great life if I ended up alone again. I lost all fears about being alone. My husband and I WANT each other, but we don't NEED each other. There is a big difference. I may not be explaining it well, but that's the only way I know how to put it into words. Our relationship is the sort that I have been hoping for my whole life, it was one I thought I found during my first marriage but I was too young to know the difference.

You must do what suits *you!* And if people keep bugging you about it, just use my generic phrase to combat useless advice: "The doctor says I'm perfectly fine." :grin2:


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## Nomorebeans

I'm glad you posted this, Decimated. I'm not exactly in the same boat, but I think I'm in one nearby to you on the same lake.

It's been a little over a year since my divorce was final. XWH left me for the OW. Lives with her now, and has been for about a year. We were married for 25 years, and together for about 2 years before that. I've seen it stated here that it takes about one month for every year you were married to heal from such a thing. So I figure I've got about another year to go.

Right now, I have zero desire to start dating. But at the same time, I do feel lonely much of the time. I'm surrounded by neighbors who are in what seem to be happy, long-time marriages. Only one neighbor is a divorced woman like me, but she's been living with her new-ish boyfriend for about a year, and they seem to be a strong couple. Most of my co-workers and friends are married. They invite me to things, and now and then I'll go ahead and go and be the third wheel.

Funny, I never was one to not like being alone when I was married. My ex was gone about half the time with his job, and I didn't mind being alone at all whenever that happened. Now, I have to admit I feel kind of lost. Friends aren't concerned (yet) that I'm not moving on, because I put on a brave outward appearance, mostly for my 14-year-old son's sake. I go and do things alone, like I often used to when I was married and my husband was out of town. I keep in shape. I'm doing well at work - getting promoted, gaining respect. But I'm kind of miserable most of the time.

I'm hoping in Year 2, it'll get better. As doom and gloom as this sounds, I'm certainly doing about 100% better than I was a year ago. I'd like to be in a committed relationship eventually, but I know I'm not ready for one yet if one were to happen to fall into my lap. I also would not like to subject my son to his Mom being in a new relationship at this point, even if it were a good one and the new boyfriend treated him well (which will be a requirement eventually). I just wouldn't want to put him through all that awkwardness at this point.


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## 2ntnuf

I'm odd. I don't like being alone. I don't want to date. I will never be comfortable being alone. I don't want any socalled friends. Though, I'm not sure what you mean by alone. Other than folks at work and TAM, I speak with no one, unless it is at a store where I am purchasing something. No one comes to visit and I ask for no one's company. I would not let them in if they came. I do not answer the phone unless I am expecting a phone call. I do not have a cell or smart phone. I do have an answering machine. If it's important, they leave a message. If they call and don't leave a message, it isn't important. I don't make fancy dinners for myself. I don't have hobbies. I don't go to the movies. I don't rent movies. I don't really do much of anything except TAM and my counselor once a week, besides going to work and the stores necessary to keep me in some food and laundry detergent.

I really have no use for this life at all. That isn't a cry for help. I am on anti depressants. They make me feel numb to feelings and desires. I sometimes blame them for my inaction. I know they are only partly influencing me. 

I find my sarcastic humor to be a fun thing to do. Seems as if I am always trying to understand how to make others laugh, since I've been told in the past I was a mood killer. So, let's see how things go. 

I remember some of @Decimated's thread. I could not read it. I could not follow it. It ripped my heart out with triggers that were very similar to my own second marriage. I didn't notice this thread when it came out. I only noticed today. 

I think living as you like is important. I think being sure you aren't depressed is important. I think the rest you will figure out with a counselor. Don't worry. We usually live life as it comes to us. We don't control much of it. No sense in worrying.


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## southbound

Satya said:


> Decimated, I went for over 2 years after my first divorce before even attempting dating again. I kept telling myself over and over I'd never date again, let alone marry. My opinion changed over time and with some deep healing. Yours may or may not, but you should never use someone else's compass to plot the direction of your life.
> 
> I had to keep telling myself that the people who were pressuring me to date before I was ready (mainly my MOM .... it's what mom's do!) were doing this because they cared for me and wanted to see me happy. Sure, some people don't truly care about your happiness and just want to tell you what to do. Hopefully wisdom and experience can help you to weed out those types vs. those who are truly invested in your happiness.
> 
> While it was annoying having that external pressure, I did my best to ignore it and not to get angry with the people that just wished me well. Better to have well wishes from them than to have no one give a damn about my future and happiness. It reminded me that there are people who do root for me.
> 
> When *I* was ready to date, I went through some dating hiccups for about a year and then I found my current husband. I couldn't have predicted it would happen the way it did, but I was absolutely prepared to live the rest of my life happily and alone... OK, maybe with 40 cats. :rofl:
> 
> I've always wondered why people automatically assume that a person can't reach the peak of happiness unless they are in a relationship. Why is that the automatic assumption. Are the number of super-happy marriages enough to promote this idea? I wouldn't think so. A large number of marriages end up in divorce, and of the ones that stay together, I'm sure not all are happy.
> 
> The difference in me from the time before my divorce to the present, is that even though I am married and happy I feel confident that I could still have a great life if I ended up alone again. I lost all fears about being alone. My husband and I WANT each other, but we don't NEED each other. There is a big difference. I may not be explaining it well, but that's the only way I know how to put it into words. Our relationship is the sort that I have been hoping for my whole life, it was one I thought I found during my first marriage but I was too young to know the difference.
> 
> You must do what suits *you!* And if people keep bugging you about it, just use my generic phrase to combat useless advice: "The doctor says I'm perfectly fine." :grin2:


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## Begin again

Listen to your gut. I dated within 6 months of moving out and kinda got that out of my system. Tried reconciliation, too, and that also didn't feel right.

Had the former guy I dated briefly try again and again to get me to become his sex buddy. Nope, not interested. Right now I'm good single. I know I will date again and be in an LTR again one day, but I'm in no hurry. Again, I'm listening to my gut and making my own choices. And that is really what divorce gives you: the ability to make new decisions about the path of your life. Do what is best for your kids and also for you and you will be fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2

Just wanted to add that I went out with a group of friends yesterday and one of the ladies who is married has decided I must be depressed and closing myself off to the world. This particular lady is a friend, but not a close one and never heard the icky tale of my divorce. There was a lot of judgment coming out of her. And it was all because I do not date. She decided the way I have chosen to live is not normal and that I should be careful not to damage my children.

I was floored.
I do not share her views, nor do I think I need a partner to make my life worth living. I have friends, work, kids, and an old house. I like not having to change what I want for someone else.


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## southbound

Pluto2 said:


> Just wanted to add that I went out with a group of friends yesterday and one of the ladies who is married has decided I must be depressed and closing myself off to the world. This particular lady is a friend, but not a close one and never heard the icky tale of my divorce. There was a lot of judgment coming out of her. And it was all because I do not date. She decided the way I have chosen to live is not normal and that I should be careful not to damage my children.
> 
> I was floored.
> I do not share her views, nor do I think I need a partner to make my life worth living. I have friends, work, kids, and an old house. I like not having to change what I want for someone else.


I can't understand why everyone believes that a person has to be depressed and weird just because they aren't in a relationship; is everyone else's relationships really that good? I doubt it.

I'm with you, I like not having to change what I do for someone else. Like you, i have an old house, and it's not fixed up, but I'm happy as a lark. I wonder how well that would go over with most women. Not many women are willing to do the "Green Acres" change.


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## rockon

southbound said:


> I can't understand why everyone believes that a person has to be depressed and weird just because they aren't in a relationship; is everyone else's relationships really that good? I doubt it.
> 
> I'm with you, I like not having to change what I do for someone else. Like you, i have an old house, and it's not fixed up, but I'm happy as a lark. I wonder how well that would go over with most women. Not many women are willing to do the "Green Acres" change.


I also have been called weird by a friend for not being in a relationship (I have a thread on it). I believe it's based in insecurity and the fact most people have no idea how to be happy and alone. 

I live in a 1964 concrete block house (built like a brick outhouse), does that constitute as old?


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## arbitrator

*Perfectly normal!

I still have numerous trust issues with females of any persuasion, to the point that I may never learn to trust a woman again, after what my filthy, rotten, RSXW did to me during our marriage!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2

rockon said:


> I also have been called weird by a friend for not being in a relationship (I have a thread on it). I believe it's based in insecurity and the fact most people have no idea how to be happy and alone.
> 
> I live in a 1964 concrete block house (built like a brick outhouse), does that constitute as old?


Absolutely! There are people who believe they are incomplete without a partner to "take care of them." Sad really, IMO. 

Sure that's an old house, and a challenge to soften the outhouse facade, I bet.


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## EllisRedding

Pluto2 said:


> Just wanted to add that I went out with a group of friends yesterday and one of the ladies who is married has decided I must be depressed and closing myself off to the world. This particular lady is a friend, but not a close one and never heard the icky tale of my divorce. There was a lot of judgment coming out of her. And it was all because I do not date. She decided the way I have chosen to live is not normal and that I should be careful not to damage my children.
> 
> I was floored.
> I do not share her views, nor do I think I need a partner to make my life worth living. I have friends, work, kids, and an old house. I like not having to change what I want for someone else.


Lol, don't you love how people project their own insecurities onto others. So because this lady needs to have an SO anyone who doesn't is depressed and potentially a bad parent :scratchhead: I mean, what a great example to teach your children, that in order to be happy you need to rely on others ...


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## jorgegene

during my 20 or so non-dating years, my buddies thought i was strange. one even called me 'eccentric'.

most of my friends and work mates never gave me a hard time, they accepted me for who i was. i guess they were true friends.

i did occasionally run into a few jerks that would say something and suggest i was gay or something.
in male culture, if you don't have a girlfriend or wife, then you're gay.

i never paid them much mind, i knew who i was and i was pretty happy being myself. phuck them.


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## Chuck71

jorgegene said:


> during my 20 or so non-dating years, my buddies thought i was strange. one even called me 'eccentric'.
> 
> most of my friends and work mates never gave me a hard time, they accepted me for who i was. i guess they were true friends.
> 
> i did occasionally run into a few jerks that would say something and suggest i was gay or something.
> in male culture, if you don't have a girlfriend or wife, then you're gay.
> 
> i never paid them much mind, i knew who i was and i was pretty happy being myself. phuck them.


Yep.... if you're a guy from the South and are over 35, never married, no

kids... you're gay. Heck if you're a female.... over 25, never M, no kids....

you're a spinster. Old traditions die a slow death. I get your point Dec... I may

very well have your approach to dating when I reach your age. After my post-D

LTR ended... I spent over a year just dating and meeting people. A few had 

potential but it just was not a match. I didn't stop looking but I put very 

minimal effort in. My dating life took a turn downward when mom got sick.

Around the time I started distancing myself from "momma n her drama,"

there she was.... right place, right time. I have always believed timing has

almost as much importance as physical connection when you meet. There 

were three females I met (1990s) and we had incredible chemistry. Just bad 

timing.... once for her, once for me, once for both. I don't know where this one

will go.... we've dated since March. I see high end potential... many great qualities

that only my XW had (in first year). I just have to get used to the fact, DC is 26 years

younger than XW. But I would prefer being alone than being in a bad / sluggish / dead

end LTR. I have lived alone for about two years... first time ever. It was rough at first but

it got a lot easier after the first year. If DC and I decide to live together... it will be a 

hard decision for me. There's a HUGE difference in her staying over 3-4 nights a week

and her being here 24 / 7, tripping over pink socks, bathroom counter having 147 different

types of body wash, war paint in every drawer, curling iron cords hanging to floor, pink razors,

and those $^&$$#@! pink fluffy slippers. I so want to put them in the fire pit.... LOL 

The older you get though.... harder it is to find a healthy companion. The healthy ones don't 

stay on the market long at all.... then you get to choose from the insecure ones, bitter ones, or

the not wanting to get serious ones. Eventually you realize.... they're just a combination

of the insecure / bitter.


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## FeministInPink

@Decimated, if you don't want to date, you don't have to date. People will say, "You need to get out there!" and they're just trying to be helpful, but really, it's because they don't really know what else to say. They thing you're still grieving the loss of the marriage and that's why you're not dating... they don't understand that you might actually be happy that way. Or maybe it's just easier that way. 

Learning how to trust another person after you've been cheated on, and after you did everything you could to save the marriage, that's hard. It's really hard. And sometimes it seems like it really isn't worth the effort, because she might just do the same thing, right? The guy I'm seeing, he insisted that he didn't want to date, didn't want a relationship, didn't want a girlfriend, for 5+ years after he and his XW split up. His situation was like yours, except there were no kids involved. His reasons were a lot like yours. And he was dead set on staying single... until he met me. And even then, it took me saying to him, "Listen, I want a relationship with you, so if you want to keep me around and in your life, these are my terms, and you need to decide what I really mean to you." I gave him three months to decide (after we had been casual for three months)--he made the right decision, but he took all three months!

I'm not saying that things are that way for you, but maybe they are. Maybe your subconscious is still working things out, and maybe you have to meet the right woman to make you WANT to date again. But if you don't want to, and if you're happy with your life right now, then don't let anybody try to convince you that you SHOULD be dating. Do YOU the way YOU want to.


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## Bananapeel

FeministInPink said:


> [MENTION=21754]
> Learning how to trust another person after you've been cheated on, and after you did everything you could to save the marriage, that's hard. It's really hard. And sometimes it seems like it really isn't worth the effort, because she might just do the same thing, right? The guy I'm seeing, he insisted that he didn't want to date, didn't want a relationship, didn't want a girlfriend, for 5+ years after he and his XW split up. His situation was like yours, except there were no kids involved. His reasons were a lot like yours. And he was dead set on staying single... until he met me. And even then, it took me saying to him, "Listen, I want a relationship with you, so if you want to keep me around and in your life, these are my terms, and you need to decide what I really mean to you." I gave him three months to decide (after we had been casual for three months)--he made the right decision, but he took all three months!


FIP, what got him to change his mind and commit? I'm just asking because like your BF I have trust issues and just don't see the advantage of a relationship. I quite enjoy casually dating, but am getting everything I need to be happy without a formal commitment. It's kind of the best of both worlds thing. Did something change in him or was it that he felt he found someone worth changing for?


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## 2ntnuf

She's a hot chick with a good job and great in bed, I'm guessing. She cooks dinner, takes out the garbage and changes the oil in the car. 

She runs his bath, rubs his feet and shoulders religiously. She has so much money, she had him quit his job and is paying for everything. 

Just kidding around, though I think my first sentence may be true.


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## Bytheriver

I feel the exact same way. My quick story- my husband cheated on me after 20 years of marriage in 2013 and I have been divorced for a year. He has already remarried. I have not dated at all and have no desire to. I just don't have the energy as I have a 11 year old son, I'm working part-time and trying to start my own business. Glad I'm not the only hermit.


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## rockon

Bytheriver said:


> I feel the exact same way. My quick story- my husband cheated on me after 20 years of marriage in 2013 and I have been divorced for a year. He has already remarried. I have not dated at all and have no desire to. I just don't have the energy as I have a 11 year old son, I'm working part-time and trying to start my own business. Glad I'm not the only hermit.


I'm not trying to nit-pick, but hermit may be the wrong word. If one has a healthy life outside work with friends, enjoys hobbies and is happy being single, great! 

Finding a balance is crucial. I wish you good luck with your business!


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## FeministInPink

rockon said:


> I'm not trying to nit-pick, but hermit may be the wrong word. If one has a healthy life outside work with friends, enjoys hobbies and is happy being single, great!
> 
> Finding a balance is crucial. I wish you good luck with your business!


I agree. You're not a hermit. You're just lining your life on your terms, doing your thing.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Diana7

Decimated said:


> I’m in my early 50’s and have been divorced for over 3 ½ years now. I’ve been here for a while and some of you may know my story. In a nut shell…I found out my ex was cheating for 1 ½ years, I tried to save our marriage by doing everything wrong, and I ended up filing and divorcing her anyway. I am currently raising my teenage kids alone.
> 
> Here’s the issue. I know many folks that are divorced. The vast majority of them, within a few years, have already remarried or are in serious relationships. My friends and relatives are constantly trying to set me up with divorced women. They all think I should be involved with someone by now. They seem to equate dating or being in a relationship with moving on. I feel like I have moved on, but alone…not with someone else. By contrast, XWW was on 3 different dating sites within 2 weeks of moving out.
> 
> Here’s the thing, I don’t seem to have any interest in dating or beginning a new relationship. I suppose it doesn’t help that I haven’t met anyone that I wanted to go on a second date with. I do miss some things about being in a relationship…especially sex and physical contact but apparently not enough to invest the time and effort into growing a relationship to get it. Unfortunately for me, I’ve always been one that only desires sex within the context of an emotional and committed relationship. Thinking about starting a new relationship just seems so exhausting to me. I would much rather spend that time and energy pursuing other interests that have a better personal rate of return with less emotional risk.
> 
> So, does this seem normal? Does anyone else here feel this same way or am I morphing into a reclusive hermit?


After my divorce it was 4 years before I had the emotional energy to even think of dating again. It was another 2 years before I met my now husband of 11 years. Do what is right for you. I always wanted to marry again one day, if you dont, then don't.


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## FeministInPink

Diana7 said:


> After my divorce it was 4 years before I had the emotional energy to even think of dating again. It was another 2 years before I met my now husband of 11 years. Do what is right for you. I always wanted to marry again one day, if you dont, then don't.


My partner took 7 years, before he met me. We've been together for almost a year, and some days he's still not sure if he's ready. Most days he is, but some days he's not. I'm very patient, and he is very good to me. We make it work. He's trying.

For the OP, go at your own pace. Either one day you'll be ready, and you'll get out there. Or, like my guy, you'll meet someone and realize that if you don't make yourself get ready, you'll miss out on her. The second option is a little bumpier. And the longer you wait, the harder it can be.


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## Diana7

FeministInPink said:


> My partner took 7 years, before he met me. We've been together for almost a year, and some days he's still not sure if he's ready. Most days he is, but some days he's not. I'm very patient, and he is very good to me. We make it work. He's trying.
> 
> For the OP, go at your own pace. Either one day you'll be ready, and you'll get out there. Or, like my guy, you'll meet someone and realize that if you don't make yourself get ready, you'll miss out on her. The second option is a little bumpier. And the longer you wait, the harder it can be.


 My husband's marriage was very recently over when we met. We married 9 months after meeting. He was fine, but the marriage hadnt been right for years so it wasnt such a shock as it was for me being that mine was very sudden and unexpected.


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## Cooper

Diana7 said:


> After my divorce it was 4 years before I had the emotional energy to even think of dating again. It was another 2 years before I met my now husband of 11 years. Do what is right for you. I always wanted to marry again one day, if you dont, then don't.


"emotional energy" that's such a great phrase. Describes me perfectly, I just don't have the emotional energy for dating, I think I would be fine if I was married, but dating seems like such a bother. lol


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## southbound

Cooper said:


> "emotional energy" that's such a great phrase. Describes me perfectly, I just don't have the emotional energy for dating, I think I would be fine if I was married, but dating seems like such a bother. lol



This reflects my feelings as well, and I know it seems weird to some, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. 

I know that dating after a break up is so refreshing and exciting for some people, but I just have no interest in the dating process. As was already stated, I just don't have the emotional energy; there is nothing about it that is appealing to me. 

It all has to do with a person's personality I suppose. I can tell that some people never even consider remaining single. Being in a relationship is as much a given as putting on clothes before you go to work every day.

For me, I'm not lonely or feeling empty, so I'm going to need a reason to be in a relationship. Someone will have to come along that I am convinced will enhance my happiness. So far, that hasn't happened.


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