# Just had a baby---Don't know what to do!



## SouthernGrl (Apr 9, 2010)

As I write this, I feel so many things and guilt over bringing a baby into this situation has to be the strongest one. Some background:

I am a very free-spirited sort of person. I'm almost a contradiction in some ways--I've never been in any short term relationship, never slept around, but I've always been restless. My husband and I met when we were very young (me 19, him 23) and it was a wirlwind of emotion. I was very attracted to him both sexually and emotionally---he seemed very similar to me, a restless soul who yearned for a soulmate. Flash forward 6 years of on and off and we finally married. I was hesitant. It wasn't that I didn't love him, it was that I didn't feel like I was the marrying kind. But he was perfect---adored me, good provider, etc. Since that day, we've had problems. One of which involves a miscarraige (I actually was never thrilled about being pregnant). Even though it was an accident and I've never given much thought to children, it was very hard on me. I fell into a depression (most likely hormone-related). I became clingy. I was paranoid he was cheating on me with co-workers. I was a mess. My doctor finally put me on anti-depressants and they were a Godsend. I got "me" back. And I enjoyed our marraige.

My baby girl is 3 months old. I love her and want the best for her but I don't know if I love my husband anymore. I used to be so attracted to him and now it's like he's my roommate. We don't spend a lot of quality time togehter and I'm not really sure I want to. I'd rather go out with friends in my free time (what little I get these days). I mourn my old free-spirited life. I miss flirting with other men (my husband knows I'm flirtacious and it's entirely innocent---I'd never cheat). I just miss me. I'm back on antidepressants and they help somewhat, but I can't shake the feeling of "is this it"? My husband knows how I feel and is starting to pull away. I don't know what to do. I've suggested counseling but he doesn't like the idea. He gets mad that I'm "just giving up". And the worst part is, I'm desperate for an emotional affair. I want to feel a connection to someone again. I'm ashamed of this feeling, but I can't deny it.

Anyone out there who can relate or give advice?


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## SouthernGrl (Apr 9, 2010)

Hmmm. No replies. Am I this vile?


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## jenny247 (Mar 21, 2010)

Hi Southerngrl please dont take this the wrong way but your post suggests to me that you are a bit immature. The reason I say that is because now that youre a mummy you simply cannot return to your free spirit ways im afraid those days are over. You sound like you have a man who loves you very much and im sure your baby is adorable yet youre not happy. You wont be happy if you keep yearning for a life you had in the past. Marriage certainly does change your lifestyle but motherhood flips it on its head completely and with such a young baby its normal for you to not have time to spend together since youre tending and putting most of your time into your newborn. I would suggest that you and your husband rediscover each other, at least have some regular "dates" if you can get a sitter. And yes go out with your girlfriends have some "me" time and on a regular basis of hubby can look after the baby confidently. Lifes not over just because you are married and have a baby marriage takes a lot of hard work as youve gathered from everyone else on here who are struggling. I too have my issues with my husband and we have a baby who is six months but were working through it there is no quick fix unfortuantley but stay close to him be good to him and let him be good to you you will be amazed how much you actually need him right now especially after just having a baby youre emotions will be all over the place ... share with him ... good luck dear


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## LilliansMommy (Jan 26, 2011)

Immature or not I actually completely relate. While I am not seeking an emotional affair, I would be just as happy if my husband would leave for a while so I could focus on my baby without being so aggravated with him. I was 19 and my husband was 23 when we met too, and were married after 4 years then baby almost immediately after that - not planned. My baby girl is almost 3 months old and I don't even like my husband right now. I used to think he was the most sweet, wonderful man and for years I never saw our differences as a problem (he's a homebody and I am very social) because we both had the desire for family and enjoyed our couple time. Now he drives me crazy. He's not always the man I want to be with. I dont want to have sex with anyone, especially him. I feel neglected and want to be out with girlfriends to get some me time. Now, I want my daughter with me when I'm out-I dont mean I want to go to bars, but the mall, lunches, etc... My husband recently took a couple days off and the man is 28 years old with a new baby and spent most of the day playing video games??? I wanted to slap him. I'd honestly him rather not be here than be here and half-ass it. Sometimes I feel like a single mom. He says he doesn't try because I am too critical but it's not my fault he doesnt know how to soothe her... he's a doctor and never around. My only advice is what I'm trying to myself---stick it out. This is a PHASE and it will pass. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself. From everything I have read, my focus is so on my daughter, I am probably neglecting my husband more than he's neglecting me. While I feel the need to get out and be myself again (much like you do) I think my problem is I may just not be the "stay at home" mom type and I am coming to terms with it. Once I am done breastfeeding (9 or 10 months) I will go back to work. I think the social aspect of being at work will satisfy me so that I wont expect my husband to work all day then come home and be our entertainment and do the second shift for our daughter which inevitably disappoints me. I know this is probably too long and confusing but if you can read though my thoughts, I hope some of this helps. Even more, I hope that you and your husband have worked through this issue as I hope I can with mine. Good luck! and you are not alone, immature or not..


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

It could be a heavy dose of baby blues for both of you. Also, you are still fairly young, you still want to go out and party like your friends who didn't make the same decisions as you to marry and have children. Unfortunately, you have a family. If you start dreaming of what you'd rather have instead of what's in front of you , of course your going to get disillusioned with it. Your focusing on the wrong things. Your husband won't learn how to soothe the baby if you never let him. If you constantly tell him he's doing it wrong, of course he's not going to want to do it. Would you?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You are truly blessed in life. Perhaps make a list of all the blessings in your life. Then, make another list of what's on the other side of the fence. I seriously doubt what's on the other side of the fence will be near as green as your current pasture.

Also, you should read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. It's really a must read for everyone.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

I don't think it's immaturity at all. Indecision comes at all ages and all maturity levels. Besides that, I don't care what anyone says, people change. 

I too find myself yearning for the old me. The free spirit. Most often, I feel like life is hard enough for me. It makes it even harder when I have someone else making me feel bad about life. 

I guess you just have to ask yourself what you would be doing if you weren't married. Would it really change anything? 

Sometimes I just don't see the point of getting married if it's so dang difficult for the rest of life. It'll always be a struggle.


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## Trevo (Mar 25, 2013)

It's called being selfish


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