# The Writings on the Wall and Needing Help



## DoubleTrouble2 (Sep 13, 2013)

I am new here. Long story. Here are the facts. Married 15 years. 2 adopted kids. Found out that STBXH has been having an affair for seven years with a former coworker. The angry husband of OW contacted me to expose the affair. I confronted my STBXH after I had learned a great deal that day from the angry husband of the OW. He refused to admit anything. I told him I had proof in texts and emails provided to me by the AH. He said he would admit they were corresponding nonlinear but there had been no physical contact. WTF??? The AH told me that the OW admitted to sex only back while my husband and I were dating and to one encounter when I was newly married 15 years ago. He believes her. I do not. AH said that everytime my STBXH came to town to see his parents he would call the OW and beg to meet her somewhere. I have found out all of this and more from the OW who told her AH because she was very remorseful and she wanted to save her marriage. They have small children just as I do. I have even received emails from the OW and phone calls. This has all come to light between June and now. Still STBXH will not divulge anything. I have told him I have an attorney. Things are in the works there. He walks around here like he hasn't done anything wrong. I cannot kick him out because he cannot afford two residences...another long story....hes run up credit card debt so high I do not know what we are going to do. So we are separated living under the same roof. He is in the basement. I am upstairs with the kids. I am so angry. Furious doesn't even begin to describe it. We have a beautiful home...two absolutely wonderful children...he is wrecking our lives. Seven years with a woman who says she wants nothing to do with him now. I am divorcing. I just do not understand how anyone can cheat on their spouse for seven years. He is a complete liar. Also he has mainly been in contact with her via phone text email....maybe skype...because she lives 10 hours away from us. I believe she may not be the only one because he has not been interested in me at all. Anyway. I am here sharing my sob story. There is so much more to tell. Just tired of typing. Hoping for some support. Glad I found the board. Infidelity is awful.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

I"ll let some of the others give you more detailed advice on how to proceed, but you really need to kick your husband to the curb. Refuses to come clean and shows no remorse and lies through his teeth? 

His debt is his problem, not yours. Talk to your lawyer and tell him to get out. The longer he sticks around the worse it will be for you and the kids. He will just make life harder for all of you. Get him out, get the divorce going and let him go live his own life.

Are you employed and making a decent income?

YOu need to realize that his problems aren't your problems any longer. He broke your marriage, now let him pay for the hole he's dug for himself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did he spend the money on his lovers?

Get tested for STDs.


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## DoubleTrouble2 (Sep 13, 2013)

Oh I am definitely divorcing him. What is so strange is that leading up to finding all of this out, we were doing really better. We had some pretty big issues in our marriage...his father and stepmom hated me...but we were making more of an effort to reconnect. I knew we had problems but I nevet ever suspected this affair. For a while in counseling, we even discussed it and I asked if he was gay, addicted to porn, what???? He had a chance to reveal everything then...why he wasn't attracted to me. He had no answers. He quit going to counseling right after that. Big red flag. There were a lot of those. Now I feel so stupid. I saw the writing on the wall. I knew something vety wrong was going on and I kept telling people there has to be something I don't know. I just never believed he was the type to cheat. Everyone always said my husband was so sensitive and sweet. People love him. Really!! Now nobody can believe he has been living this double life and lying all of this time. 
I am not really employed. I substitute teach since my kids started going to school. I don't make much. I need to go back to classes to become recertified in teaching. I will be going back to that now. He had told me I would never have to do that again so I let my license go. Big mistake. Feel stupid about that too.
The money I have no clue where it all went. He has like 10 credit cards in his name only that I never knew he had.
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## DoubleTrouble2 (Sep 13, 2013)

Another thing i need help with...I am the primary caregiver to my kids. I worry about how this is effecting them. I am not trying to reconcile. I have accepted this marriage is over. H is living in the basement because we cannot afford two residences. I have told him tp leave. Go stay with a friend. Do something. He won't leave. He had the nerve to tell me if I wanted to get him to move out I needed to get afull time job to pay for it. Yeah right. I told him...well you know...I wasnt going to make this easy on him...but i cannot get him out of here. I am basically stuck upstairs when he is home at night. We do not speak to each other. We avoid each other. What is this going to do to my kids??? My daughter who is 9 asks lots of questions. I am investigating taking money out of my teachers retirement to help me get out of here. Oh heres another thing..he closed our joint checking and saving accounts and is giving me $175 per week for me and the kids to live on. He makes $140, 000 per year. I am having to use credit. Lawyer says to take this to court it would cost me 10, 000 retainer plus probably another 30 thousand. Crazy living where I live. The cost of living is outrageous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoubleTrouble2 (Sep 13, 2013)

He is punishing us and he is the one that has had a seven year affair!!! Any advice???
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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

If you want a divorce, go see a lawyer.


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## DoubleTrouble2 (Sep 13, 2013)

I do have a lawyer. The property settlement agreement is in the works now. I thought this was a group for coping with infidelity. Does anyone else have a similar story of a spouse carrying out a very long secretive affair? Seven years just seems outragious to me. Who does this??
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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

I dont have experience with something this terrible but others do. Hang out and they will chime in soon. I can say that I am terribly sorry. What a jerk. Maybe he is in a state of confusion and is simply refusing to acknowledge what hes done. Maybe he cant bear to face it. In time he may man up and get over himself to realize the harm he has done. It doesn't sound like that would save your marriage but might make him act in a more fair human manner
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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My stbxh cheated for at least 8 years that I know of. Yes you will read lots of stories that are similar.

I don't know what kind of person does this. Selfish for sure.

I was married almost 22 years and have no idea who I married.

BAM, everything changes in an instant.

I had no desire to reconcile with my husband, so I never tried to figure out what kind of person does this. Everything I would hear from him or anyone like him would most likely be a lie. Even if it were the truth, I would still think it's a lie.

Your husband sounds like he is just angry he got caught. He is a cake eater. You made is life easier by taking care of the home and kids so he could have his free time to have his fun.

Yes, it's a despicable, deceitful, selfish a$$hole who does these things. It's always too bad when there are children involved. 

Your husbands AP no longer wants him, you no longer want him, he's going to lose at least half his income........

I hope he turns his life around for his children's sake but I would not hold out too much hope.

This will be with you forever. Your marriage was a lie, just like many of ours here were. It's a terrible thing but you will have to be strong and forge ahead. You will come out strong and happy but it will take time for this to happen.

See if you can work in IC counseling payments into your divorce. It helps to talk to someone.

Stay here for a while but don't get too wrapped up here. The stories here can sometimes be overwhelming.

Take some breaks and watch some comedy on TV, or do some light exercise or stretching. Even a short walk around the block by yourself or with the kids.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

I have learned a lot from this site but everyone here has some negative experience. The cumulative effect can magnify your perception of the situation. Maybe not so much fir you coz your's is about as bad as it can get. Others had less dramatic things happen and TAM can skew that to where it seems 10x worse
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## adolfsonzp (Sep 14, 2013)

The longer he sticks around the worse it will be for you and the kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You cannot kick him out of the house because it's his legal residence just as it is yours. Both of you can stay there until there is an order from the court that one of you has to move out.

You attorney should be able to ask for an emergency court hearing to establish interim spousal and child support. It can be set up so that his employer pays it directly to you.

Your attorney can also ask the court that your attorney fees be paid out of marital assets.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Set up some more consultations with other attorneys. It doesn't sound like you are getting good advice.

See your GP for temporary meds.

Start working out at a gym.

Get ptsd counseling, preferably an IC with infidelity experience.

A decent attorney can get the money from your stbxh.

Good luck and prayers


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