# To Separate or Not to Separate... That is the Question?



## LonelyDragon (Aug 10, 2017)

My husband and I have been together for 20 years and married for 13. We have 4 children together. The last 3 years have been pretty difficult for us. In 2014 he was in school and it felt like he was pulling away and being distant from me... studying all the time away from home while I worked full time and did most of the stuff for the kids. I ended up having a brief affair with a guy from work and my husband found out about it. The affair ended but my anger towards my husband didn't and I became very distant with him. There were times over the last 3 years that he would try and I would shut him down and then I would try and he would shut me down. We just weren't in a great place but I felt like we still loved each other, we just needed time to find each other again. Fast forward to March of this year when I discovered he was having an emotional affair with a woman he works with and it had been going on for 3 months. When I found out about it my first reaction was anger but then I had an epiphany and decided I really do love my husband and don't want to lose him. He told me he would stop seeing her and work on our marriage... it on my took a couple of weeks for him to start talking to her again... this has happened 3 times where he says we will work on us and then goes back to talking to her. 2 weeks ago he told me that he can't commit to making our marriage work because he still has feelings for this woman that aren't going away. He says he wants to make us work, but he just isn't ready. The woman is also married and says she doesn't want to leave her husband or be in a relationship with my husband. I don't understand what the obsession is with this woman. I am so torn on what to do. My emotions are all over the place. I know that they see each other at work quite frequently and they talk there. He hasn't contacted her on the phone or text in 2 weeks but has sent her a couple of inappropriate emails that she didn't respond to. I love my husband and I want to be patient with him while he works through whatever it is that has a hold on him but it is really putting me in a not so good place emotionally. I know that I put him through a lot during the last 3 years and he stuck it out and didn't leave me. I just don't know how much time I can give him before the pain is too much and I just give up. It has been 5 months since I discovered the affair and 8 months since the affair started. I just don't know if I should try and stick it out or end it and move on. I really truly want to save my marriage, but I don't have any clue when he will be ready to completely walk away from her and work on us. We are still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. There is some affection but not much. He isn't mean to me and seems to be mostly understanding of my feelings, I am trying to be patient and understanding of his. I just don't know what I should do, I want to keep my marriage together but I don't want to sacrifice myself. How long should I give him to make a decision? Should we try a physical separation and sleep in separate beds? Should we locationally separate and one of us stay somewhere else? I just don't know what it is going to take for him to get over his feelings for her and realize he has a wonderful family right in front of him.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Does her husband know about the affair? He needs to. Likely that will stop it on it's own but he needs to decides to either stop the affair or you leave. No more time.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

In your particular case, I think separation will drive you further apart.

the affair has to stop NOW! Any way. Exposure, exposure, like the above poster says.

you have stopped your messing around and are recommitted.
he must do the same. Until then, there is no hope.
either he's in all the way, or he's out.


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## LonelyDragon (Aug 10, 2017)

I don't really know if her husband knows or not. I have been told that he does know, but I don't think she classified it as an EA to him or just a really close friendship. I'm afraid that calling her husband will push my husband further away. 

I to agree that a separation might drive us further apart, but I don't know how much more time I can give him. They are no longer talking and texting on the phone, but they work together so they see each other a lot and I do not know the extent of their flirting when they work together. It's not that the EA is continuing per say, but his feelings for this other woman are strong and he seems to be having trouble getting over them, especially when he sees her all the time at work.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

is a good read on exposure. I think it really would be the best way to stop this affair. He'll be mad but the only chance you have to save the marriage is if the affair ends so I'd make that the #1 priority


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First, you should assume that your husband is lying about OW's husband knowing about their relationship, at least as far as it being an affair goes. IOW, expose the affair to OWH.

Second, let's be real -- it's a _physical_ affair, and if your husband is telling you otherwise, he's lying.

Third, why bother with a separation? Just divorce already.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Always keep in mind that a physical marriage separation, almost always, is the "beginning of the end!"*


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If he were to end this affair he would have to change jobs. You can't continue to work with an affair partner. They would need no contact ever again for the rest of his life.


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## LonelyDragon (Aug 10, 2017)

He has applied for other jobs and so has the AP. Neither one have had any luck getting another job and neither one can afford to quit without having another job. 

I truly do not believe this is a PA, call me crazy if you want but I believe them on this one.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Was your affair physical or emotional?

If physical, his affair might be an exit affair because he cannot get over what you did.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LonelyDragon said:


> He has applied for other jobs and so has the AP. Neither one have had any luck getting another job and neither one can afford to quit without having another job.
> 
> I truly do not believe this is a PA, call me crazy if you want but I believe them on this one.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TDSC60 said:


> Was your affair physical or emotional?
> 
> If physical, his affair might be an exit affair because he cannot get over what you did.


Her AP was a co-worker, so unless her husband is just stupid he knows it was physical.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

A weird thing happened after my ex's affair. We had been also struggling a lot and things weren't great and then he had an affair and I had a sudden "I do love him and want to fix things" mode. 

It lasted about a year before I realized that we didn't work before, we didn't work after and now I also am upset about the affair and all that new energy I had was gone because we just didn't work. 

I don't know what that sudden wanting to fix things comes from, I've heard it from others too. 

Separating may give you a chance to be away from the situation and give yourself a clear view of if you do still want to make it work and if you even can. I had big plans of how to fix everything but he just wasn't capable of being that person. 

I am 100% happy with the choice I made to leave and have no regrets


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LonelyDragon said:


> He has applied for other jobs and so has the AP. Neither one have had any luck getting another job and neither one can afford to quit without having another job.
> 
> I truly do not believe this is a PA, call me crazy if you want but I believe them on this one.


To be crude, no man is going to risk alimony, child support, and everything else that goes along with divorce for ass that he ain't hittin'.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> A weird thing happened after my ex's affair. We had been also struggling a lot and things weren't great and then he had an affair and I had a sudden "I do love him and want to fix things" mode.
> 
> It lasted about a year before I realized that we didn't work before, we didn't work after and now I also am upset about the affair and all that new energy I had was gone because we just didn't work.
> 
> ...


It's a sense of having no immediate control over one's fate coupled with an innate fear of a whole bunch of things changing all at once.

Throw in an inability to see past the pain, confusion, and despair that's just hit you in the face and BAM... you scramble to reconcile.

Waywards often have a similar action when faced with the 180.


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