# I can’t get past my mother’s death.



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

It’s been over two years. My reaction to this has been paralyzing. Everyone seems to have gotten past the sad stage and they are moving on. 

I get up and go to work because I have to. Weekends are spent mostly sleeping and being hateful to my fiancé. I am seriously thinking about calling off the wedding because he doesn’t deserve this treatment. I cancel fun times at the last minute because I just can’t bring myself to be around happy people.

The doctor put me on Celexa but my stomach couldn’t handle it so I stopped.

I am not returning phone messages from my father because he has moved on and now is with a different lady and she will read any text I send my dad and some times replies to them. She refers to my father as dad this and dad that.... puke. I really liked her replacing my mothers picture with a picture of her and my Dad. 

Losing it big time




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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I lost my mom recently. I’ve managed to move on, I have a sibling that hasn’t. 

Why can’t you move on? What pulls you back or stops you?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sorry, Tomara sorrow is not on a time schedule. Heartache's are real. What do you think he would say about the delay?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Do you deliberately do things to remind you of your mother? Look at her pictures, listen to songs she use to love, make her favorite food, go places you use to go together... stuff like that?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Everyone handles death in their own way on their own timeline. 

One thing that helped me when I lost my father in 2013-I asked myself "What would my father want me to do? Would he want me to live my life or be paralyzed because I'm thinking about him all of the time?" 

The answer to that propelled me forward.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would get some good counselling, maybe a grief counsellor, you seem to have got stuck. Also you must go back to the doctors, there are other things you can take.Just to stop taking what he gave you and not going back was very unwise. 
Please don't take it out on your fiancé, he doesn't deserve it and there are things you can do to help yourself. 

Men often seem to jump very soon into new relationships, they often struggle with being alone. Please be pleased for him that he has some happiness again. After my mum died very suddenly at age 57, my dad married again 17 months later, it happens. I was glad that he had someone that made him happy and made every effort to welcome her into the family despite my grief still being very painful. You can do that as well if you choose to. Another man I know met his now wife after just 4 months, very quick I thought, but it happens. 

Just think about what your mother would want for you. Would she want you to be angry, resentful, depressed, mean to those you love? Or to be grateful for the good years you had with her, and to be able to enjoy your fiance, your life, job and friends and family. I know which my mum would have wanted for me, I am sure yours would be the same. 

So please just go and get help.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to be in grief counseling, and also need to try and find a medication you can tolerate, there are a lot of options. I know everyone has their own timeline when it comes to recovering from this kind of loss, but I feel like you should be functioning much better by now than what you are. 

As far as your dad's new woman, have a talk with him about boundaries, she should not be replying to your private texts to him.. that is WAAAYYY overstepping. And two years is not an unreasonable amount of time for him to have sought out someone new. I do understand it is super hard for you, you feel like he is replacing your mom and it hurts. But he deserves to find new happiness with the time he has left, just as you do. I am sorry you are struggling and hope you are able to find your way out of the muck soon.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I don’t begrudge my Dad finding a companion, with guys it does seem like they need someone sooner. I am nice to her face to face but her intrusion into my relationship with my father is going past okay. I have even invited her to have a pedicure with me.

I have an appointment with my doctor coming up so maybe a different medication will help. I am also going to call EAP and see if I can get help that way.

What brings my mother to the forefront of my thoughts, she was my best friend, my confidant. She just pops into my head on a daily bases and the sadness overwhelms me.

I should not be taking anything out on my fiancé and I feel like **** when I do go off. It’s more of a leave me alone type conversation. He doesn’t do that well, probably because he cares and is worried. 

Mom often said your Dad will be with someone new before my body’s cold.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Tomara said:


> I should not be taking anything out on my fiancé and I feel like **** when I do go off. It’s more of a leave me alone type conversation. He doesn’t do that well, probably because he cares and is worried.


Do something for me.

The next time feelings of sadness come over you, ask your fiance for a hug. No words, just a hug....a long one. 

All throughout the mammalian kingdom close physical contact is comforting and therapeutic.

Same for humans.

Our dearly departed loved ones can't be replaced, but solace can be found in our dearly present loved ones.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

OnTheFly said:


> Do something for me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Made me cry. Wish I wasn’t such a stoic person and could reach out to my loved ones. Need to break that cycle!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

EAP will help get you started on some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It does help. You have to study and use it to get good at it. 

There are other medications that might help you. I just want to say, never stop one of those meds cold turkey. They can do damage to you that way. Talk to your doctor. The depression really does make you think differently. You need help with this. 

Please get it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Tomara said:


> Made me cry. Wish I wasn’t such a stoic person and could reach out to my loved ones. Need to break that cycle!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Admit that it hurts, accept that it hurts. And accept the fact that you need those around you to help you feel better. 

Dont be stoic. Be a mess. Its ok to fall apart. Your fiance will understand. 

Nothing about this will ever be easy. Every single part of it will make you want to cry. And that is no reflection on your strength. 

Im planning some leave, from the 15th to the 18th of november. It kicks off on the 14th, the day that my SAW gunners room mate died in iraq. He was the last combat casualty if the iraq war, or so they say... he was a close friend.

8 years later, i still plan events in his memory and try to take time off. 

His name was David Emanuel Hickman. 

I know its not the same as losing a parent. 

Its hard. Its ok that its hard. It will always be impossible to deal with until you accept that it destroys you. And you realize that its ok that it destroys you.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

I lost my mother in August 2016. Very rare form of cancer that can't be detected until it's reached stage 4. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. I feel like I'd lost it all, but I do believe that she wouldn't want me to die with her. She wanted me to live. Carry on. Push forward. Be happy. That's all any mother could want for her children. And there aren't any words that I can convey to you how deeply sorry I am, it WILL get better with time. I wish things like that don't happen, but a mother's love for her child and bond can't ever really be broken. She will always be with you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I lost my Dear Hubby in 2017 and remarried May 25th this year. In my wildest dreams I would have never imagined I'd meet somene who would catch my interest or love. It just seemed inconceivable. But one of the things that happened is that my Dear Hubby had heart failure and was diagnosed and fought it for five years. We knew he would die younger, so we had a chance to talk about it: what he wanted for his funeral, what he wanted for me, what he "hoped would happen"...all of it. We got to talk very clearly about death. 

Like you, though, my oldest son just had an horribly hard time dealing with the loss of his dad. I'm also fairly sure he didn't love the idea that I moved on. I think part of the difference, though, is that I had been on my own before I ever married, and I had been divorced once, and so for me, I didn't have to go through some of the process of learning to be comfortable in my own company...or learn my identity without a partner...or just take time to accept that my partner was going to die. I did sorrow that he passed away, but I had five years to adjust to it and adapt. My son didn't. I got to hear his dad's voice and hear what his dad wanted (for him and for me). My son didn't. 

For you and your dad and his new partner, I would say there may be a couple possibilities. Your mom and your dad were a married couple, and in their marriage, they may have had time to talk...maybe even more than you know. Even if death came unexpectedly, sometimes couples talk about their hopes and dreams for the future, have time to talk about "what ifs", and maybe even say "if I die first, you go ahead and do XXX" and these are discussions that the children just aren't privy to! So you're dad may have moved on from your mom because they had talked about it, or he knew what she wanted him to do. If death did not come unexpectedly, the two of them may have had time to accept it was coming, and even if they told you and didn't "hide" anything, there is still a difference in being there for your partner as they pass...and what you might share with the children. 

For your dad's new partner, I would recommend thinking about it this way: in a time when your dad was sorrowing he met and found someone who helped me feel joy again. That's an amazing gift. He's not dishonoring your mom by continuing to be alive. In fact, in my opinion, he honors her all the more by acting like he learned how to love by loving her, and he continues to love as long as he lives. Here is a new person who turned life from a colorless, joyless, dead landscape to a life that has color, joy and life. This is truly a gift for your dad, so in that sense, your dad's new partner is a BOON to him! 

Finally, for you--losing your mom is a GIGANTIC adjustment. It was for my son, because he was very close to his dad (like a little carbon copy of him). She wasn't just your parent, she was your friend and confidant, and so losing your friend and confidant was additional loss! Also whether you knew it was coming or not, it wasn't as if you were right there and knew all the little details and could adjust and accept it as it was happening. The death of a loved one is an emotional trauma. Everyone goes through their own grief at their own speed. But at some point, some level of acceptance comes and the intensity of the grief decreases. 

In your case, since it does not seem as if acceptance is coming and the intensity of the grief is still JUST as intense as it was at first, I would suggest that possibly you have Complicated Grief. If you'd like to learn more about Complicated Grief, here's a link: https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/complicated-grief/ and another: https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=26262 and here's a little quiz about Complicated Grief: https://www.psycom.net/complicated-grief-quiz


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I assume your mother loved you - and would have wanted you to be happy. 




Tomara said:


> It’s been over two years. My reaction to this has been paralyzing. Everyone seems to have gotten past the sad stage and they are moving on. Remember her - visit her grave or light a candle every month, but also honor her memory by doing what she would have wanted - which is for you to have a fulfilling life.
> 
> If you can't do that, was there anything about your relationship with your mother that makes it difficult?
> 
> ...


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

EAP gave me a counselor to contact. I opened the email from them and said OH HELL NO. This lady is a basket case and a alcoholic. When we see her she is drunk.She is an old friend of my fiancé. 

Will try again tomorrow. I have talked with my guy and said sorry. Told him I know what I am doing and just can’t stop myself. He said, it’s all okay and I said a definite no it’s not.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Please change counselor's!

A good one is worth their weight in gold! I'll continue to be in prayer for you and your fiancé!*


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I assume your mother loved you - and would have wanted you to be happy.




My mom loved me more than anyone else in my life has ever loved me. We were very close and shared many things between us that we couldn’t share with others. 

Someone asked what brings your mom to the forefront... the visual image of her dying, the time I spent with her after life had left this world, the coldness if her skin when I touched her and gave her my final kiss. These memories haunt me. If I could erase them I would.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I am sorry for your loss. 

I don't know your faith, but do you believe she is still there and watching over you? What you kissed was the empty shell, but her spirit lives on. 





Tomara said:


> My mom loved me more than anyone else in my life has ever loved me. We were very close and shared many things between us that we couldn’t share with others.
> 
> Someone asked what brings your mom to the forefront... the visual image of her dying, the time I spent with her after life had left this world, the coldness if her skin when I touched her and gave her my final kiss. These memories haunt me. If I could erase them I would.
> 
> ...


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I spent the last two years of Moms life checking on her every day before I went to work, checking in on her after work. Taking her to the hospital when she needed to go, Dad had lost it by then. Making sure she was comfortable and watched her so she would drink her Ensure. The day she died she said, Tammy please help me, she begged me. You know what I did? I went to work. I didn’t take her to the ER, I did nothing. I could have helped her or in my mind I should have.

The doctor was slowly letting her go by increasing the Morphine. This is the pain I have lived with and I can’t forgive myself for not doing anything. 

My faith is strong otherwise I don’t think I would be living now. God has helped me in very rough places( in my own mind). 

If was as simple as her just passing I might be better. My father made me take care of everything when she passed. He just couldn’t handle it. I spoke at her celebration of life. I was the only kid that had to handle it all.... ****ing pisses me off that it was all on my shoulder. It’s always been on my shoulders. They are simply broken now.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Your above posts answer many of my questions--we cross-posted. I would guess she wanted you to help her leave her life on earth and this was the one thing you could not do. Sounds like you did all you could and more. Unfortunate that your dad was not stronger, but you know him better than I..My guess is that eventually you will be a stronger, better person.

---------------------------

I, too, had unpleasant death memories of my mom. Capture all the bad memories of her death. Close your eyes and picture putting them in a locked wooden box. Then gather as many good memories as you can and put them in a glass box in your mind. You can take them out or leave them in and examine them any time. 

Depression has a way of taking away our choices--continue with doctor re better meds and secure a new therapist. Grief therapy is offered by some churches, clubs, and synagogues. You do not have to be a member to attend and cost is free or minimal.

Develop some healthy observances on special days for your loss--release a balloon, write her a letter and burn or bury it, plant flowers or a tree. I bet you talk to her and this is ok. 

Do you have religious beliefs? Do you believe in an after-life? Are you angry--at God, at her for leaving you, at your dad for reasons other than his new person? (Bingo...work on this...)

Your mom will never be replaced for you or your dad or her friends. She was a one-of-a-kind special. Be grateful for the rare bond y'all had. Sounds like she confided in you more than others in her family--good and bad in some ways. 

Work on getting your thoughts healthy enough to move on to what has to be a different future. How fortunate you are to have a fiancé to hug, love, share, and confide in! Don't do anything to hurt yourself in any way. Sound like she taught you well. What would she say to you? Write this down and read it often.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Tomara said:


> It’s been over two years. My reaction to this has been paralyzing. Everyone seems to have gotten past the sad stage and they are moving on.
> 
> I get up and go to work because I have to. Weekends are spent mostly sleeping and being hateful to my fiancé. I am seriously thinking about calling off the wedding because he doesn’t deserve this treatment. I cancel fun times at the last minute because I just can’t bring myself to be around happy people.
> 
> ...



Go to a homeopath or a naturopath and ask for anything to help with overcoming this trauma/depression and explain your state of mind and why you feel like this. You wilm recover way faster.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

sunsetmist said:


> Your above posts answers many of my questions--we cross-posted. I would guess she wanted you to help her leave her life on earth and this was the one thing you could not do. Sounds like you did all you could and more. Unfortunate that your dad was not stronger, but you know him better than I..My guess is that eventually you will be a stronger, better person.
> 
> ---------------------------
> 
> ...




Thank you @sunsetmist for the ideas


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I made an appt with a counselor, see her on Friday. I am not angry that mom left, she was in so much pain. I am just stuck in this realm of sadness. When you have had a very special person in your life for 54 years it’s hard to let go of emotions. 

My father promised me he would take me to a Sandels resort for all that I had done for mom. You know where he is now? At a Sandels resort with his new woman. Really is that fair what he has chosen to do? He made me promise that I would take care of him when he gets bad. I gave him my word I would do exactly that, and I will.

Tell me where that is fair. I listen to my sister go on and on about missing mom. I want to ask her where the hell was she for the last 11 years. She talks about what she is getting when dad dies...wtf. She doesn’t know that dad has made executer of his estate. When she finds out you might read in the paper where a woman was killed in MO!

Sorry for going on but it’s allowing me to vent because my nightmare isn’t over!



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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

It sounds like you aren't just grieving, but that you have entered into a depression. That is hard to get out of without some help, meds, counseling, a change of scenery, or all of the above.

I'm sorry you lost your mom. That is very hard, especially when you were close. 

Don't let this go on much longer, because it will become a way of life and become more difficult to come out of it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tomara said:


> I made an appt with a counselor, see her on Friday. I am not angry that mom left, she was in so much pain. I am just stuck in this realm of sadness. When you have had a very special person in your life for 54 years it’s hard to let go of emotions.
> 
> My father promised me he would take me to a Sandels resort for all that I had done for mom. You know where he is now? At a Sandels resort with his new woman. Really is that fair what he has chosen to do? He made me promise that I would take care of him when he gets bad. I gave him my word I would do exactly that, and I will.
> 
> ...



Are you saying that your sister isn't going to inherit anything? Being executor doesn't mean that you will inherit it all. 

Please just be glad that your dad is happy and enjoying his life. You could go away with your fiancé anytime, your life with him is just beginning. 

IF your dad stays with his lady friend, you may not need to take care of him when he is old, she may well do. 

Of course its normal to be sad, but you seem stuck. That's why the counselling may well help, but please also go to your doctors.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> Your above posts answers many of my questions--we cross-posted. I would guess she wanted you to help her leave her life on earth and this was the one thing you could not do.
> 
> -.


This was her request not any other. Your mom would not want you to suffer as you are doing, her love is reaching out to you. But you are talking it incorrectly, she's attempting to give you her courage , but you see it as regret. Use time time to empower yourself. And leave that excuse of a husband.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Are you saying that your sister isn't going to inherit anything? Being executor doesn't mean that you will inherit it all.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Diane I have noticed you tend to jump to conclusions, not sure why you do that? It is often times hurtful. I never said my sister would not get anything. My father has a will and I will carry out his wishes. However, my sister will have no financial gain from property in my name unless she wishes to buy out half of the mortgage.

I think I have already stated I am stuck. I have my first appt today to see a counselor today.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Adelais- Thank you for your kind post. I see a counselor today and will start there. Yes, I believe this is depression I am dealing with.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tomara said:


> Diane I have noticed you tend to jump to conclusions, not sure why you do that? It is often times hurtful. I never said my sister would not get anything. My father has a will and I will carry out his wishes. However, my sister will have no financial gain from property in my name unless she wishes to buy out half of the mortgage.
> 
> I think I have already stated I am stuck. I have my first appt today to see a counselor today.
> 
> ...


The implication was that your sister wouldn't inherit anything. I am glad that she will get her share as I do think that parents should always leave the same amount to each child. 

I hope that the counselling helps, I am sure it will.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The death of a parent is hard to deal with. I think it it you harder because Mom was also you best friend, your confidant, and your adviser. That's a lot to lose at one time.
Plus taking care of her because your Dad had checked out makes it worse.

See the doctor. Good luck.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Tomara said:


> I spent the last two years of Moms life checking on her every day before I went to work, checking in on her after work. Taking her to the hospital when she needed to go, Dad had lost it by then. Making sure she was comfortable and watched her so she would drink her Ensure. The day she died *she said, Tammy please help me, she begged me.* You know what I did? I went to work. I didn’t take her to the ER, I did nothing. I could have helped her or in my mind I should have.
> 
> The doctor was slowly letting her go by increasing the Morphine. This is the pain I have lived with and I can’t forgive myself for not doing anything.
> 
> ...


She begged you to help her do what? Hope it was not what I am thinking.

Oh, and don't focus on Sandels resorts......they are not that great.

Go to Royal Decameron Cornwall resort in Montego Bay Jaimaca. All inclusive(meals and bars are included in the price of the room). Private beach. Great security.

That place can definitely help with depression.


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