# Help me..someone please tell how i should feel.



## foxiefeline (Feb 3, 2011)

I am at a loss. I feel depressed all the time and it seems like there is no right or wrong to how i should feel its never good enough for anybody.
I have been married for 21 years. I have 5 boys, and two grand-babies. I have no friends. My mom lives with me and the family but is someone that has betrayed me.
I was the perfect wife and mom. I cooked and cleaned and minded my business. I was not allowed to have friends, or a job, and it was even a bad thing for me to go shopping with my mom. Every day i was accused of sleeping around or talking to someone. . After 17 years of this crap i made friends with the new neighbor woman and I rebeled out of lonliness and boredom. For this i got guilt trips, rude comments, no privacy, etc. My husband even let my kids treat me the same way he did and let them also disrespect me like he did. Needless to say she got me into legal trouble as well as ruining my relationships with my family.
3 years later my kids don't respect me or listen to me. The kids seeing me as a "mommy figure" are all gone. my husband has told them about ALL of my business and goings on. 
Things you don't tell kids. My son doesn't even want me to babysit my own grand-baby.
Anyways right now my husband is staying with his sister and his mom and me with my mom and kids. I don't have a job or money, or a car. My husband has control of the unemployment card( which he has gotten for the last 2 years due to the fact that he has been too interested in what i do to get a full time job and support his family) and his card that his paycheck get deposited into(this is part time job) he has the car. I have the cards or a card sometimes but when i do he always changes the pin numbers so i cant use them. He threatens me with something and i have to give in to use the money.
Where i am at is this..He wants to control everything i do and who i talk to and says he loves me. I don't want to be controlled anymore. i know that when you are married there are certain things you do and don't do. I am not doing anything wrong. This last Sunday he gave me no money broke my phone and left me on the curb at least 15 miles from home. I am so depressed. so sad that he would just leave me with no way to communicate or any money to eat or call someone and no transportation.
I am at a loss, i don't want to give into him like i always do but if we stay separated he is threatening custody and there will be no money etc. I feel like i am going to lose it. On top of the fact that the one person i thought was a friend decided to crap on me and the other friend is in jail, my mom doesn't care what i do and my kids are tired of the arguing and fighting. 

help me i am at a loss ..... i feel trapped.


----------



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

You are in a seriously bad situation with no great options. But, the simple question is 'what do you want?'

Your problems did not begin overnight, nor will they be solved overnight. If you want to be free from the control, there will be a price. You will have to walk away from everything and start over. Get a job and a place you can afford. 

As for the kids... 
It is evil for him to bash a mother to her children. But, that damage is already done. You have to be willing to let that go for now and just do your best to be a strong, good person. If your new life consistently shows you as a strong and good person, your children will eventually see it. And will see him for who he is. It will take a separation for this to become evident. And time... much time.

Remember, children are naturally drawn to their parents. Writing off a person is nearly impossible if that person is your parent. 

So, my advice...
Leave your husband. Get a job and place to live. Make loving gestures toward your kids (invite them over for dinner, send them random nice, supportive notes, etc) and get on with your life. You will earn the respect you deserve.

Good luck!


----------



## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hey,

You're in a terrible situation. Put it bluntly you are in an abusive relationship. Your husband controls every aspect of your life and after 21 years it's no wonder you're depressed (I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner).

Unfortunately your husband has been thinking and behaving like this for most of his life and it could take years for him to change, if at all. You need to make a stand, he has to see what he has done is wrong and put it right. If he doesn't think he has done anything wrong, he won't take responsibility for it, and you should leave. If you don't leave him, you'll end up more depressed and in a terrible situation.

Unfortunately boys growing up seeing their mother abused can behave in the same way as their father. They saw their mother controlled by their father without any repurcussions, therefore this is normal to them. They think this is how a relationship between husband and wife should be. Again they will need to take their own responsibility and change. They are probably treating their wives in this way.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Foxie, the behavior you are describing is very similar to that of my exW. Like your H, she is very controlling and distrustful. She blamed everything on me and took responsibility for none of her own actions. Also, she did all-or-nothing thinking wherein she would classify everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and, in ten seconds based on some minor infraction, she would re-classify someone to the opposite extreme view. 

Also like your H, she was verbally abusive and so jealous of my relationship with others that she tried to distance me from my friends, my family, and even our children. After 15 years, she decided to leave me and -- to get the upper hand financially -- she had me arrested and thrown in jail for "brutalizing her." Actually, I had just pushed her away from the door to my bedroom, which she was trying to destroy. So I have some idea of what you are talking about when you say your H got you "in trouble with the law."

These behaviors constitute a few of the nine traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). All of us occassionally exhibit all nine traits, albeit at low levels if we are emotionally healthy. Because these behaviors are things we do ourselves, the nine traits are easy to recognize if you read a little about them to know what to look for. Hence, recognizing a strong occurrence of them in your spouse is quite easy once you read about BPD. What is hard is determining when they are so severe as to meet the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD." Diagnosis and treatment therefore are the province of professionals.

I suggest you read my three posts in GTRR's thread, where I describe typical BPDer behavior. The posts start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. If that description sounds familiar, I would encourage you to read more about BPD.

As to your question ("How should I feel?"), you should be feeling like you may be going crazy -- if your H strongly exhibits most of the BPD traits. Of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one that produces such controlling and disorienting behavior that the spouses often have the feeling they are going crazy. A large part of the confusion is due to the all-or-nothing thinking, which results in the BPDer flipping from loving you to hating you in ten seconds -- usually resulting in a temper tantrum or heated argument lasting about five hours.

I mention all of this because BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits) attract caregivers like you and me. Unless we know the red flags to look for, we are sitting ducks for a relationship with a BPDer because they portray themselves as victims in need of our help. Please take care, Foxie. Specifically, start taking care of _yourself_ for a change.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

foxiefeline said:


> Needless to say she got me into legal trouble as well as ruining my relationships with my family.
> 3 years later my kids don't respect me or listen to me. The kids seeing me as a "mommy figure" are all gone. my husband has told them about ALL of my business and goings on.
> Things you don't tell kids. My son doesn't even want me to babysit my own grand-baby.


i know you're in a tough spot, but your character has been put into serious question. what did you do that your son wont let you around your own grand-child? what are you hiding that you're in legal trouble? It might be that you've ruined your relationship with your kids because of the things you're doing. Just because someone brings it into the light doesnt mean they ruined it.


----------

