# Does your spouse bring out the worst or best in you?



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Just as the title says: What side of you does your spouse bring out? Good, bad, ugly? Best or worst?

Sometimes I feel like my spouse brings out a negative side of me. It's been this way since I met him in 2001. We just celebrated 9 years of marriage, but I've never had these types of issues before. I seem to be more on edge, snappy in my responses, etc. Not always, but sometimes. 

Like I said, I've never been this way with anyone before and I'm thinking it's the way he is that causes it. He's the "[email protected]" type of person and more and more, it gets under my skin. :scratchhead:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Interesting question SW.

My family always brought out the worst in me and being with my H brought out the best in me. But over the years, things changed. Now being with my family still brings on the triggers and being with him will sometimes trigger my less than noble behavior.

His absolute aversion to conflict from day 1 has resulted in my having a hair trigger on some types of passivity; both from him and at time it is extended to others. 

We just had a blow up yesterday about this very thing. The circumstance themselves were so innocuous, but I reacted to his passivity waaaaay out of proportion. The way I behaved was wrong, plain and simply wrong. It's my hair trigger.

What does you H's sarcasm do to you? Over the years little things like this can add up to big ass resentments. If he utters a sarcastic comment your way, on one level you know it's not a big deal but on another level you feel hurt or critisized or emotionally abandoned? You try to sooth yourself and shake it off but over time it just doesn't shake off anymore.

Is that what you mean?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Ahhhh, the old issue of what we pay attention to shifting.

As years go by in relationships, people tend to gravitate towards negativity. It's a much greater problem than people give it credit.

In the early stages of relationships, we focus on all the wonderful things our spouse does and ignore the negative stuff. As years go by, we stop paying attention to the positive and focus on more of the negative. We take the positive for granted, it becomes "the norm". 

I try to remind myself on a regular basis the great things about my wife to avoid this pitfall.

To answer your question. I would say she brings out both. Much more of my best than my worst though. It's more, I try to be the best man, husband and father I can be for her and my family, but I'm human and we're with each other permanently so when I'm at my worst, she's usually involved with that too LOL.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> when I'm at my worst, she's usually involved with that too LOL.


:lol: That made me laugh.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Interesting question SW.
> 
> 
> What does you H's sarcasm do to you? Over the years little things like this can add up to big ass resentments. If he utters a sarcastic comment your way, *on one level you know it's not a big deal but on another level you feel hurt or critisized or emotionally abandoned?* You try to sooth yourself and shake it off but over time it just doesn't shake off anymore.
> ...


APink, it's hard to explain. I do feel emotionally abandoned. Maybe he doesn't know how to reach me emotionally. :scratchhead:

As for his sarcasm, I sometimes feel that he just has no respect for me. I dunno, like I said it's hard to explain.  Don't get me wrong, he's a good person, great father, etc. 

For instance, yesterday I made a comment about something, and he came back with this nasty "What"? Just his tone was ugly. I just shut down and said "never mind". That's not his sarcastic side, that's his @ss side.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Just as the title says: What side of you does your spouse bring out? Good, bad, ugly? Best or worst?
> 
> Sometimes I feel like my spouse brings out a negative side of me. It's been this way since I met him in 2001. We just celebrated 9 years of marriage, but I've never had these types of issues before. I seem to be more on edge, snappy in my responses, etc. Not always, but sometimes.
> 
> Like I said, I've never been this way with anyone before and I'm thinking it's the way he is that causes it. He's the "[email protected]" type of person and more and more, it gets under my skin. :scratchhead:


oh I know that feeling! lol my ex brings that side out for some reason.Around him I turn into a different person.

My SO brings out my softer qualities.Ones I didn't think I had in me for anything other than animals.Patience,fairness,sweetness,you name it and if it's soft and mushy,SO gets to see it from me.

It's odd how traits of others turn us one way or another.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You're growing a trigger. Put some cream on that before it get s infected!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

A little bit of both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

southern wife said:


> He's the "[email protected]" type of person and more and more, it gets under my skin. :scratchhead:


How big of a problem is it?

We had a year or 2 of getting under each other's skin. I'm a bit of a smartazz, my wife would complain I was too critical of her, I didn't mean to be, just came across like that. The more she complained the more I tried not (a bit like eggshells) to be critical and the worse it got. There was resentment on both sides. Wish it was me but she then refused to get bothered by me and "let go of the little things". IDK exactly how or why but, fairly quickly I stopped coming across as critical, the resentment vanished, I also "let go of the little things" and we've been happier. 

Not advce, just sharing my experience, YMMV.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

southern wife said:


> APink, it's hard to explain. I do feel emotionally abandoned. Maybe he doesn't know how to reach me emotionally. :scratchhead:
> 
> As for his sarcasm, I sometimes feel that he just has no respect for me. I dunno, like I said it's hard to explain.  Don't get me wrong, he's a good person, great father, etc.
> 
> For instance, yesterday I made a comment about something, and he came back with this nasty "What"? Just his tone was ugly. I just shut down and said "never mind". That's not his sarcastic side, that's his @ss side.


It's easy to see why you'd shut down.There's something about that nasty tone.

In addition to that nasty tone,I don't like sarcasm in my relationship.I love sarcastic humor but in a relationship it's too easy to run away with the sarcasm.It bites you and slowly takes pieces of that tenderness and politeness away


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's easy to see why you'd shut down.There's something about that nasty tone.
> 
> In addition to that nasty tone,I don't like sarcasm in my relationship.I love sarcastic humor but in a relationship it's too easy to run away with the sarcasm.It bites you and slowly takes pieces of that tenderness and politeness away


OMG you get exactly how I feel. 

I am that tender and polite person. He's just so...........abrasive.....for lack of a better word. Sometimes my thoughts are of "can I live like this forever"? 

I am a happy person, the same person every day.  But, and I hate to say this, I feel his very nature causes me to turn for the worst. I hate being that way.  I really don't know what to do. We've had discussions on these things, and I'm not trying to change him. But it's hard to embrace.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Ahhhh, the old issue of what we pay attention to shifting.
> 
> As years go by in relationships, people tend to gravitate towards negativity. It's a much greater problem than people give it credit.
> 
> ...


D&H, I don't feel that it's attention shifting. He's always been this way, and we actually had a very rough 1st year together. I honestly didn't think we'd survive it, but now we've been together for 12 years. 

I'm not trying/wanting to change who he is and I don't want a husband that walks on egg shell.

Now he can be sarcastic with some of my friends and it's like a "brother/sister" thing going on. But when it's like that with me? It doesn't make ME feel like the wife I WANT TO BE!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

southern wife said:


> OMG you get exactly how I feel.
> 
> I am that tender and polite person. He's just so...........abrasive.....for lack of a better word. Sometimes my thoughts are of "can I live like this forever"?
> 
> I am a happy person, the same person every day.  But, and I hate to say this, I feel his very nature causes me to turn for the worst. I hate being that way.  I really don't know what to do. We've had discussions on these things, and I'm not trying to change him. But it's hard to embrace.


I think there is a term for people who are deeply affected by the moods and tones of others,I don't remember it though I'm sorry

The best weapon I had was keeping control of my responses.Negative/Abrasive people want an emotional response.They want to know they've gotten to you.
You will have to walk away from many conversations and comments.For some people,doing this eventually gets the abrasive person to question why it's happening and it opens up an opportunity to discuss it.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Oh boy I was just thinking about this.

my husband is really lazy and passive aggressive and it really drags me down.

I had to stop riding to work with him after awhile. Imagine being trapped in the car for 25 minutes every morning with someone who moaned and complained the entire time. Here I was trying to psych myself up to face a very stressful day on the job with a positive attitude and husband is sitting there complaining about how much he hates his job. Ugh.

After awhile it just gets to you. I feel more unhappy, anxious and depressed.

I have to fish for any positive remark from him. He never ever says anything nice to me like well done on something or you look pretty today.

It's very draining.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

southern wife said:


> D&H, I don't feel that it's attention shifting. He's always been this way, and we actually had a very rough 1st year together. I honestly didn't think we'd survive it, but now we've been together for 12 years.
> 
> I'm not trying/wanting to change who he is and I don't want a husband that walks on egg shell.
> 
> Now he can be sarcastic with some of my friends and it's like a "brother/sister" thing going on. But when it's like that with me? It doesn't make ME feel like the wife I WANT TO BE!


Sarcasm is usually just covert anger.
You feel bad about it because it is bad. You seem to be trying to rationalize and justify it.

It is disrespectful.

Why do you think he does it? What does he get from it?

Have you ever just asked him to stop it? or say why are you talking to me that way?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Kate brought out the worst in me. Her passive-aggressive BS really took its toll. After we split, I honestly had no idea who I was anymore.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

There was a time in my marraige where my H brought out my worst. I think its natural - you're going to develop triggers and sensitivity to things that may not have bothered you before, over time with your spouse. Or maybe things that seemed like small annoyances in the beginning become mountains after awhile.

I know that I cannot change him. I can ask him to change, but its still his decision on whether to take action or not.

I take great pride in trying to be the best version of myself that I can be. There are certain traits I strive for (none of which come naturally to me, which is probably why I am so conscious of them) - optimism, kindness, forgiveness, poise - to name a few.

I consciously take note of my triggers, especially with H, and I mentally stop myself from reacting when in a trigger situation. Its hard to describe - but I have basically built a "pause" button into my brain so that I am able to step outside of that moment and table that reaction for analyzing at another time.

My H has some unpleasant habits - so do I - and we both made a pact to do our best to treat each other with kindness and respect, regardless of how we feel in that moment. Even if I am seething in anger I promised that I would be respectful and fight fair and I intend to keep my word. That means that I might table my feelings for awhile and wait until I am in a calmer state of mind to discuss what my beef is with him. We don't let each other get away with being sh!tty people.

I also have a "love bank" that I have built into my mind - moments that I will always remember with him that took my breath away in how much he amazed me or how loved I felt. It might sound corny but I replay those moments in my head often as a reminder of the bigger picture of why I love him and why whatever my grievance is, our marraige is worthwhile to fight for. It really does help me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Tigger said:


> Sarcasm is usually just covert anger.
> You feel bad about it because it is bad. You seem to be trying to rationalize and justify it.
> 
> It is disrespectful.
> ...


Tigger,

The thing is, he thinks he's being funny. But after a while, it's not. I don't think he has underlying anger about anything. He's not lazy and he does say nice things to me, compliment me, etc, too. So it's not all bad. 

But yes, sometimes I do feel disrespected. Some of his friends are the same way with the sarcasm, and worse.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I loved what AnonPink said about growing a trigger! 

I find that the signs of relationships shifting from a good place to a bad one are very, very subtle. The sooner they're recognized and treated as a crisis, the better the chance of fixing a problem. It's like a child's upbringing. A kid who is taught to mind mommy from a young age is more likely to be well-adjusted in his teens than one who never listened and never got disciplined for acting up. 

My husband has always brought out the best in me and vice versa. We have been challenged recently as his daughter is now living with us again and has declared that she never liked me, which prompted me to disengage and refuse to be her taxi cab, cheerleader, and personal secretary. Although he begrudgingly agrees with me, there have been some snappish comments, criticism, and blame seeping in here and there. 

Although it has only just been this way because of high stress lately, I'm treating it as a crisis. I reminded him that we're losing sight of each other and putting 'self' before 'relationship.' That we've been letting criticism and blame creep in where support and love should be. 

I know that if I don't do something now, that slippery slope we've been on for a few weeks can "grow the triggers" as Anon describes. 

It sounds like you're recognizing what the trigger is. You need to figure out whether you can change that trigger or change your reaction to it if you don't want it to turn into something bigger than the love you guys have for each other.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

And that's just it, KB, we do have love for each other. He tells me and shows me everyday.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Bring it up - to yourself or him - when you have those moments!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I have brought it up........several times over the years, in fact.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Over the years my wife has brought out the best and the worst. I've been working on my triggers so that hopefully there are far more "best" moments than "worst".

Sorry to hear you're dealing with this, SW. We tell each other and other posters to "talk about it". It generally works, and sometimes it works spectacularly. But not always. In those moments, one of the few options we're left with is to try to remove the trigger and reach some level of acceptance.

Either that or glue his **** to his stomach while he's sleeping.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Has it helped?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

The best of me. When my husband is around there's a sense of calmness, happiness and peacefulness pretty much everyday. My husband's support for me is phenomenal. I didn't realize how supportive he was until I had my injury. I can't be an easy person to live with since my neck injury. Living in constant severe pain is awful and I have my off days/weeks. I try my best to stay positive and keep the complaints to a very minimum regarding my pain. I've noticed I have changed in my attitude since the accident. If I'm in a really bad or sad mood, I'll resort to my bedroom and shut the door to regroup myself. I don't want to bring anyone else down. My husband is the one who stops me from going into a depression. I'm so grateful for everything he does.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

The best and worst for us. Worse was when he began to withdraw from the marriage because we couldn't conceive. To me since nothing was wrong with either one of us it shows have made us closer. I think he looked at it as affront to his manhood. Had to get way out of my comfort zone and tell him to get help or snap out of it.

Best is the time since then (about 6 months). 

There have been some lesser moments of best and worst but we have manage to make it through them.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My ex definitely brought out the worst in me - I don't blame her, she just had a knack for challenging me at the worst possible times, it was my negative responses to my own actions that pushed me down so much. She always brought about the best intentions from me, just those intentions never seemed to click with reality, and when they occasionally did she was all over them before I could even just appreciate my own accomplishments.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GTdad said:


> Either that or glue his **** to his stomach while he's sleeping.


:lol:

Monkey glue?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

My husband brings out the best in me. I have a lot of responsibilities (and so does he). He's the one who keeps me grounded and he can always find a silver lining in any dark cloud. 

He's not the one who brings out the worst in me. That would be my mother.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

southern wife said:


> D&H, I don't feel that it's attention shifting. He's always been this way, and we actually had a very rough 1st year together. I honestly didn't think we'd survive it, but now we've been together for 12 years.
> 
> I'm not trying/wanting to change who he is and I don't want a husband that walks on egg shell.
> 
> Now he can be sarcastic with some of my friends and it's like a "brother/sister" thing going on. But when it's like that with me? It doesn't make ME feel like the wife I WANT TO BE!


Yeah, I'd have a hard time with that as well. 

You obviously were able to overlook it for a while, but there are some personality traits that do grate on us.

I think you need to talk to him explain how you feel about him treating you that way. If he doesn't change, ask him the most annoying thing you do to him, from his perspective. Inform him ahead of time that everytime he does his sarcasm thing, you'll do your annoying thing. When he gets annoyed, you can just point out the obvious.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband is sarcastic too and most of the time I find it hilarious, but then it goes a bit far, or I'm feeling a bit vulnerable and I let him know straight away. He always pulls it back and apologises. 

I don't know if he brings out the best or worst. Mostly the best I think, especially as we have had a few little breakthroughs over the past year about dealing with conflict and codependency. Sometimes the worst though.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

My wife brings out BOTH the best and the worst in me depending on the situation.

We will have been married for 20 years next year so we do know each other’s buttons. When all is well she brings out my compassion and affection at its worst she triggers my anger. 

Thankfully the good far out ways the bad.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

GTdad said:


> Either that or glue his **** to his stomach while he's sleeping.


:lol:


I might try that! 


:whip:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Has it helped?


I could tell in his interactions last night with me, that he's being more conscious in his thought process and, therefore, his words. Therefore, that nasty level of sarcasm wasn't present. But it won't last long, I fear.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

southern wife said:


> I could tell in his interactions last night with me, that he's being more conscious in his thought process and, therefore, his words. Therefore, that nasty level of sarcasm wasn't present. But it won't last long, I fear.


Well, keep reminding him, then! It's so easy for all of us to fall into lazy communication habits. If you insist on being spoken to gently and with love, and he does love and respect you, simple reminders can go a long way.


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