# not feeling strong enough



## spaghettimonster (Oct 17, 2011)

We celebrated our first year anniversary two weeks ago on a remote getaway. We both mentally built it up to be a sexy, stress free time, but we were met with more of the same... missed expectations, letdown, and mopiness.

We met in college about four years ago. I am 32, and she's 24. We have had sex about 10 or 12 times, almost all in the first year or so. It's long ago enough that it's become fuzzy. 

She was a terrified virgin at 20 when she gave herself to me. We went very slowly and were somewhat successful - I was able to finish, and she didn't want to continue afterwards. Not know anything about her own body, we decided to explore together and learn as a couple.

I am not a skilled lover. I had my first girlfriend at 25, and although we had sex hundreds of times over the next 2 years, we went our own ways as we were not compatible people. I did learn a lot during it but with experience with only one person, I can't say that I know very many general things. I just want to treat this objectively, that I am probably half of the problem, or more.

The wife claims she was raised prudishly. Always kept inside, always having the TV channel changed at physical contact, raised to think sex was wrong. I don't want to embellish too much because I have no idea how she was raised. She calls herself a 'prude'. 

When her step sister to be got pregnant after insisting her birth control was working (and visibly begging for a child from my wife's brother - I am deliberately implying she botched the bc), the sex with me and the wife basically ended. She told me that she would feel safer inside a marriage before continuing with sex.

We got engaged, and then married last October. On our wedding night, she dressed in frilly, sexy things for me, and we met on the wedding bed for a disaster. I was manually relived a while later just to get some sleep. The marriage went unconsummated.

At the six month mark, we had partial sex. Neither of us finished, but I think we were as consummated as the letter of the law calls for. 

Our anniversary was a repeat of our wedding night. 

Communication is difficult. Eventually I get frustrated enough that I start a discussion leading to our sexuality, and the result is always the same: I feel like a monster for making a little girl cry. It's a relief of sorts: For a week or two afterwards, my guilt for causing her sadness is greater than my own sexual needs and I feel a sort of negation.

When I get really frustrated, I know I start treating her passive-aggressively, or with contempt. I'll say things I don't mean, just cautious enough not to say too much, but cause another night of crying.

On the last night of our anniversary, I hopped into the shower with her, clearly aroused. She gave me a quick lookdown and then asked me "what's up?" I literally fought back a tear or two and feigned a disinterested state, hopping out to finish my shower alone in the other bathroom. 

I love my wife dearly and trust her entirely. She keeps telling me she wants to be lovers, but she clams up at sex talk. She won't discuss it with her doctor. I want to fix this but I don't know what my tools are to do so. Communication causes cold silences. Taking care of myself is running out of being a solution. She doesnt like giving or receiving oral, and manual stimulation is always a special request. I know there's a sexual person inside her, but I am a blind man lost in the woods. 

She says stress is another factor. She says when I have friends over that she gets worked up for weeks worrying about the house being clean and ready. Her job is stressful and she says that next year she might get a lower stress one. When we had the conversation about this on our anniversary, I told her I can be strong for her for another year, but secretly, I feel devastated inside. 

Even peripheral solutions, or workarounds - if something is wrong with me, is there a medication that could squash my sex drive? I am willing to go to a psychologist on my own, if it seems like I should be having my head examined. I am willing to admit I am just a hypersexual that needs adjustment in the opposite direction as my complaints.


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

Even if she is a *PRUDE* (your word), she needs to be able to talk about it...problems don't just cure themselves...she probably has never had an orgasm, so doesn't really see the attraction to sex...and if she doesn't masturbate, she probably doesn't have a clue what she would like...you need to get her to let you explore what she does & doesn't like (you will get really worked up doing this, but go in with no expectations other than making her see the pleasure involved with *Love Making*)

And if that goes well, let her do the same for you...

If she won't agree to the first part, you may require marriage counselling so that she understands the importance that physical intimacy has to a marriage...I know, easier said than done...but 10-12 times in four years...WOW...I thought I was being understanding and patient...you win man!!

You need to work on the "relations" otherwise you are room mates...

Later.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

She needs to see a therapist. She sounds terrified of sex. Maybe she was molested/raped? She needs help. You yelling at her isn't going to help the situation. She needs professional help from a sex therapist. Find a psychologist in your area who can help her!


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Hello Spaghettimonster,

First of all, while not as dire a circumstance, I feel your pain: my wife is a bit closed minded when it comes to sex and our sex drives don't match up well. The frequency, content, and importance of our sex life has been an active topic of discussion almost monthly in our brief marriage (4 1/2 years). 

I agree with Laurae, your wife may have a deep/repressed reason for not wanting sex or associating it with being dirty or some other negative connotation. Therapy would be a great option for the two of you, if she would be open to it.

There are some things you can do to help the situation. First, look at yourself and how you treat her. Are you demanding or domineering in any way? You seem to think she's fragile (the "...little girl cry..." comment) and maybe you come on too strong/demanding for her. 

Second, how are things outside the bedroom? Are you happy spending time together when there isn't a sexual component? If there is tension elsewhere, you should probably address that first or at least concurrently with the sex issue. Your W sounds like the type of woman who can't enjoy sex unless all is well in the marital world.

Finally, you need to be able to talk about the importance of sex in your relationship and communicate about the bedroom. This is not a one time discussion you'll need to have, it's a lifelong dialogue that you both need to be open to: after 4 1/2 years, my wife and I had the content/frequency talk yesterday, for about the 5th time! From my own experience, you have to approach this as a marital issue, not a sex issue. Some of the things the W and I communicate are how often we'd like to have sex, what we like to do/have done in bed (fantasies, nitty gritty details, and the like), and what we can work on (physically and emotionally) to make the act better. None of this is graphic. No voices are raised. No demands are made. This is just an open line of communication. Leave the passive aggressive stuff at the door. She's your wife, if you can't talk to her directly, who can you talk to? As a bit of technical advice for the conversation, go into it with a number of times you'd like to have sex each week/month, and be willing to compromise. For example, my wife is a 1-2 time a week lady, I'm a 2-3 time a week guy. Be willing to meet in the middle somewhere. Remember, you're trying to make both of your lives more exciting.

If she can't open a line of communication with you, couples therapy is really something you should pursue strongly. Finally, if you've had sex 10-12 times in an ~4 year relationship, the problem isn't that you have a hyper sex drive, your sex life just needs work. 

It's great you're on here looking for help, the other members have helped me tremendously, and I'm sure you'll have plenty of great advice on here. Stick with it, be patient, and be ready to hear anything she has to say. Good luck!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, it might be beneficial for you both to consider seeing a sex therapist - a counselor specially trained in helping couples with sexual issues - as it seems there may be issues on both sides. There's some insecurity on your side about your abilities and skills, and there's something on her side - whether repression or insecurity - that could benefit from having someone skilled enough to help you work through this.

And, as for your skills - there are so many places to get information. Here's just a sampling of book titles from Amazon:

Amazon.com: Learn how to make love to a woman

But, the most important skills you will need: confidence, patience, and caring/understanding. If you can bring those into the bedroom with you, you will go far.

Best wishes.


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