# Coming back to the dating world



## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Hey Everyone!

This is JBH, coming back to the forums. 

In case anyone isn't aware, I've been separated from my ex since January 2016, and I was officially divorced in May 2016.

So after taking some time off from the whole relationship/dating/women aspect of my life, and thoroughly indulging in some of my nerdier hobbies, I've been seriously considering getting back into the whole relationship/dating circle again.

Currently, I'm out of town on a business trip. 
My company is paying for me to help in our San Francisco location. I'm working insane hours(about 55+ per week) , and only one day off a week, but with a nice clean hotel room to myself. To best understand this, I work at a call center based in Columbus Oh. We're an nationwide company with locations in all 50 states. Outside of our 3 call centers, we have our "Supershops" which act as a central hub that oversees the smaller shops in the area, and has a larger facility and staff. I'm helping out at one of these Supershops.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Glad you took 10 months off to get it together and work on yourself
instead of rushing into the dating smorgashborg.

Be careful out there with eyes wide open and dont fall for the first pretty you run into.
be patient and discerning.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

JukeboxHero said:


> Hey Everyone!
> 
> This is JBH, coming back to the forums.
> 
> ...



Hi @JBH

Sorry to hear about your divorce. I'm glad that you've used some other activities to help you through the healing process because that's really important. 

Good on you for wanting to get back in the game. It's that level of action that ensures that you will get your feet off the ground and be open to love again. Like anything, when previous circumstances haven't quite panned out in the way we would have liked them to, it's easy to fall into a negative mindset but taking action and maintaining an optimistic viewpoint is the key to further success - and it's no different in the dating world.

Do you have any fears at all as you embark on this journey?

The other thing is to make sure that you optimise your environment for future dating. What I mean by that is that if you have no time at all or are travelling lots, then when you do go on dates, it's easy for the hours you work etc to sabotage your chances of progressing the relationship. Just an additional thought here if you are wanting to move into a serious relationship. If it's just casual, then that's a different story altogether. 

I hope that all makes sense.

Good luck my friend.

Thanks


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

A friend is getting remarried soon - I suppose early 40's? Idk. Looks pretty young and is in decent shape.

Met him on the train recently and he said it's wild out there. Lots of bat sh*t crazy women but lots of sex. He said he was getting bjs on the street corner even. So he had his fun but met an amazing women after he roamed a bit.

So I guess be prepared to go with the flow and if the women just want to bone be prepared for that too. That's what he said - NSA in many cases - the women wanted to hit it and quit it.

Either way I think you win - NSA sex or a good woman looking for a relationship.

So your limited time might be just fine for many on OLD. Reach out and see what you pull back 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> A friend is getting remarried soon - I suppose early 40's? Idk. Looks pretty young and is in decent shape.
> 
> Met him on the train recently and he said it's wild out there. Lots of bat sh*t crazy women but lots of sex. He said he was getting bjs on the street corner even. So he had his fun but met an amazing women after he roamed a bit.
> 
> ...


Wow, what was he doing to get that kinda crazy sex and BJ's on the corner, lol. 
Was he really good-looking or perhaps he's got his player skills down!

That actually sounds very appealing to me right now. I'm 39, so I guess I'm in that age range? Funny thing thing is, I kinda skipped that whole "roaming" phase when I was in my teens, 20s'. In fact, I didn't really date, have sex or any relationships with women until I met my XW. 

I'll admit, I'm not a super-handsome or tall. I'm about average in both regards. I probably need a new wardrobe. But I've also heard if you're really funny, charming and you've got good social skills (or money) women don't care as much about that.

I guess I just need a good starting point.

Also, I did decide to ask this girl out. She works in a different shop, so I've never met her. 

We've lots of playful joking/bantering the past few days via Skype (where my suave skills are much more refined--I feel like I'm great when it comes to IM/Skype or txt, but my face to face, RL social skills need work). She's been telling me I brighten her day, laughing at my jokes, and using a decent amount of emoticons. 

Below is the conversation, I think/hope she's interested in at least meeting up for a day and having fun.

After we shared some stories about how stressful/difficult some companies are to work with, I said...
"Hey, at least weekends' coming up...Do you have weekends off?"

She responded "Yeah, for now I do...no plans, I'm just happy to have a few days off without being haunted by ringing phones... What about you? any plans?

*When she said that, it sounded like an open invitation to ask her out! Without me asking if she had plans, she volunteered the information that she did not, and even asked if I did!*

I responded, "Nothing set in stone, but I was thinking about checking out some mountains or local wildlife areas, I really love the scenery around here" 

she responded by recommending MT diablo, and mentioned it had lots of cool views and hikes.

Right on queue, I said "I was thinking, We should totally hang out. I would like to meet you and have lunch at the very least
..and then, if you want to show me some of the sights of the city, especially outdoor stuff
I would be totally up for that"

her: "yeah totally! im not too familiar with the outdoors stuff in san rafael but i know of some in the bay area!!"

Me: awesome! what's your number. I'll text you later and we'll figure something fun to do together

her: i actually dont have a phone at the moment!! it broke yesterday and i cracked the screen really bad! plus im switching service so when i get my new number ill give it to you!

After that, I asked her when she would be getting her new phone and why she was switching. She said "Hopefully tomorrow and its because SPRINT SUCKS!"


My only concern is the broken phone...but I think she's still interested in meeting me. I just know a lot of times girls use the "broken phone" excuse, but I'm thinking this could be legit.

What do you guys think?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The odds aren't good on a broken phone. 
But who cares? Do your thing. If she doesn't come back w a phone number, keep moving.

I don't recommend dating anyone at your work place, though. Just a bad idea.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

@Evinrude58 Thanks for your input. I was also suspicious of the "broken phone" excuse. I also just realized that even if you change providers you can still keep your phone #. Regardless this will be a one time deal. I'm guessing it will be a daytime date/lunch for fun. Also, she doesn't really work at the same place as me, she works for the same company but she's in CA at a small shop, I'm at a different shop, and I love in Ohio. 
On the plus side, why would she Volunteer the information that she was free on the weekend and ask if I had plans. I didn't even ask about it. If she wasn't interested, I would assume she wouldntb mention her plans for weeknd until I asked or say she was busy, had a Bf, kids, family activity or something. Seems like a hint to ask her out. 
Any other opinions. 
Regardless, I'm gonna have some fun this weekend.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

@thetruthhurts What is OLD?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> @thetruthhurts What is OLD?




Old = on line dating.
Btw my friend is just an average dad body guy. So there's no magic there.

Someone on TAM said they had hundreds of quick dates in order to find "the one". I guess a simple cup of coffee and move on if there's no match.

So my takeaway is just don't overthink it,don't set expectations,!and put yourself out there.

39 is a perfect age actually - lots of women late 20's to late30's looking for a guy who's not a **** 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

JBH, the best thing you can do to get lots of successful dates is just be direct and take charge. If I like a women I just ask her out directly and then suggest a day, time, and place to meet. The biggest way that guys sabotage themselves is by being wishy washy. Same thing goes for initiating sex. Just be direct with what you want, but not in a creepy way. For example, if you go hiking with the woman and you two click, just ask her if she'd like to come over to your place for supper after she gets cleaned up and to bring a bottle of wine.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> @Evinrude. Thanks for your input. I was also suspicious of the "broken phone" excuse. I also just realized that even if you change providers you can still keep your phone #. Regardless this will be a one time deal. I'm guessing it will be a daytime date/lunch for fun. Also, she doesn't really work at the same place as me, she works for the same company but she's in CA at a small shop, I'm at a different shop, and I love in Ohio.
> On the plus side, why would she Volunteer the information that she was free on the weekend and ask if I had plans. I didn't even ask about it. If she wasn't interested, I would assume she wouldntb mention her plans for weeknd until I asked or say she was busy, had a Bf, kids, family activity or something. Seems like a hint to ask her out.
> Any other opinions.
> Regardless, I'm gonna have some fun this weekend.


Don't sweat the phone or for that matter anything else. Regardless of whether you meet this woman or not, the fact is that you made a move - you asked her out. Build on that. Have no expectations of a yes or a no. The more you ask the easier it gets. But I guarantee you will be surprised just how many yes responses you will get. Continue to build on your successes and learn from your mistakes. In short order you will find it easier to ask for numbers and dates. In time you will find the courage to ask for whatever else you are seeking as well. (I mean what you are really seeking, whether it is just sex or something longer term) Once again you will be surprised at how easy it is. In fact I think you will probably kick yourself for being so afraid for so long about advocating for yourself.
I was the same as you. Few dates and even fewer LTRs before I married. I realize now that most of that had to do with me. I was afraid to advocate for myself. If I met a woman I found attractive, I would get all stressed and tense up. I am sure I gave off bad vibes. Looking back I had plenty of opportunities, I was just too afraid to pursue them. Now as a 56 year old post divorce man, I am finding that there are still plenty of opportunities and all I have to do is ask for my needs to met and they will be. Perhaps not with this one or that one, but eventually. 
Like you, I am still trying to figure out what I want and what I like, but that knowledge will come with experience. So be patient, have fun and face your fears.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Don't sweat the phone or for that matter anything else. Regardless of whether you meet this woman or not, the fact is that you made a move - you asked her out. Build on that. Have no expectations of a yes or a no. The more you ask the easier it gets. But I guarantee you will be surprised just how many yes responses you will get. Continue to build on your successes and learn from your mistakes. In short order you will find it easier to ask for numbers and dates. In time you will find the courage to ask for whatever else you are seeking as well. (I mean what you are really seeking, whether it is just sex or something longer term) Once again you will be surprised at how easy it is. In fact I think you will probably kick yourself for being so afraid for so long about advocating for yourself.
> I was the same as you. Few dates and even fewer LTRs before I married. I realize now that most of that had to do with me. I was afraid to advocate for myself. If I met a woman I found attractive, I would get all stressed and tense up. I am sure I gave off bad vibes. Looking back I had plenty of opportunities, I was just too afraid to pursue them. Now as a 56 year old post divorce man, I am finding that there are still plenty of opportunities and all I have to do is ask for my needs to met and they will be. Perhaps not with this one or that one, but eventually.
> Like you, I am still trying to figure out what I want and what I like, but that knowledge will come with experience. So be patient, have fun and face your fears.



Thanks Ynot, I appreciate your comments. It's very encouraging...especially in regards to women saying yes more then one would expect. I like what you're saying about advocating for oneself...I think I'm my own worst enemy in that regard. I always seem to come up with a million reasons to not approach. Some men say the biggest thing that stops them is "fear of rejection". I'm not sure if that's what's stopping me, but I guess my main fears are what to say, how to break the ice, coming off as creepy or awkward. If I were to ask out girls at my local office or workplace, I might worry about it seeming creepy or being inappropriate, or them being married, or underage/too young etc. 
In general, I'm also concerned about what to say, and maybe even annoying people if/when I approach them at random, haha. sounds silly, but those are the thoughts that run through my head. 

I'm seriously considering some OLD's (I have POF account, but it's been inactive, because I wanted to polish my profile with some better but since I'm leaving this location on the 23rd and going back to OH, I might wait til I get back, unless I sign u for those ONS sites, like Tinder (beyond that, I'm not sure what other sites are out there)


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> Thanks Ynot, I appreciate your comments. It's very encouraging...especially in regards to women saying yes more then one would expect. I like what you're saying about advocating for oneself...I think I'm my own worst enemy in that regard. I always seem to come up with a million reasons to not approach. Some men say the biggest thing that stops them is "fear of rejection". I'm not sure if that's what's stopping me, but I guess my main fears are what to say, how to break the ice, coming off as creepy or awkward. If I were to ask out girls at my local office or workplace, I might worry about it seeming creepy or being inappropriate, or them being married, or underage/too young etc.
> In general, I'm also concerned about what to say, and maybe even annoying people if/when I approach them at random, haha. sounds silly, but those are the thoughts that run through my head.
> 
> I'm seriously considering some OLD's (I have POF account, but it's been inactive, because I wanted to polish my profile with some better but since I'm leaving this location on the 23rd and going back to OH, I might wait til I get back, unless I sign u for those ONS sites, like Tinder (beyond that, I'm not sure what other sites are out there)


Two things. First off, I feel those random thoughts are anything but random. They happen for a reason. It isn't just by chance that we have them. You might catch the color of some woman's eye. The shape of her breast. The way she smiles. Something she said, or the way she said it. Regardless of why, we decide when some one is interesting to us. The problem is making the assumption we are some how annoying them with our attention. IMO, this stems from a lack of self esteem, where ultimately we feel we are not worthy of success. Which is why I refer to this type of thinking as Fear of Success.
Second off, I am right exactly where you are coming back to. Perhaps some day we will meet in person. It never hurts to extend your social circle. You never know how many connections you may make along the way.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

@Bananapeel, @Ynot

Thanks for your advice again!

So, it looks like things aren't going to pan out w/ the girl who had a broken phone. Yesterday, I talked to her a little, she seemed to still be enjoying the conversation, but we didn't talk as much and she didn't respond to one of the last questions I asked her (which was just about the new manager training at her location)

I figured today would be the day I would ask her if she got a phone, or rather, I had planned to ask "So, what did you get, Iphone or Android?" 

Regardless, she didn't show up for work today, didn't log on to her IM and AfaIK, she has the weekend off. The only think I could do at this point is send her an email (to her Work mail) and leave my phone number on the off-chance she actually checks it. 

Does the seem desperate?
I'll be honest, I didn't want to put too much stock into this happening, but when she seemed genuinely interested, it really got my hopes up.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Alright everyone,

So, I don't think the date I mentioned above is happening (at least not this weekend).

However, I'm still kinda hoping I can get some social experience, maybe find someone to hang out with, and if I really feel lucky, try to hook-up.

But again, I'm not sure confident, especially when it comes to randomly approaching strangers and starting convos or trying to hit on/flirt with them. Any tips on that would be great!

Also, I dl'ed Tinder and starting doing some swiping. At first that's all I did on top of trying to upload an okay photo of myself (again, not super handsome guy, so Idk if anyone would go for me on looks alone). I just now found out I could read profiles. Is there any way to messages someone before they "swipe" you? So far, no matches.

Any other "short-term" relationship advice would be appreciated.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

JBH, Tinder like most OLD is setup in a woman's favor due to the M:F ratio using the app. The best strategy to maximize your connections is just swipe right on everyone (there are apps that will do that for you) then go back and look at the matches you have. Message the ones that are attractive/interesting and delete the others right away before you are temped to lower your standards. 

Another piece of advice is I personally liked watching the Corey Wayne videos on utube when I was getting back into dating. They'll give you some good perspective that matches the type of dating philosophy I have. He also has a book out.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

best advice I give about coming back into dating for guys:

It's a numbers game so get on all the OLD sites you can and if you find them attractive email them

Don't spend a lot of time or effort on first meets, they should be short and simple and under 30 minutes

Date with the perspective to have fun not to find the love of your life. That may happen however most dates will turn out to be a one time meet and then nothing at all

Make sure you present well. As a guy you have a lot of competition. You don't need to be rich, or have rock hard abs but being the best version of yourself will help. New clothes, haircut and getting into shape will boost your confidence 

Enjoy and have fun. Dating is suppose to be fun. If it feels like work or non stop disappointment take a break for awhile.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> JBH, Tinder like most OLD is setup in a woman's favor due to the M:F ratio using the app. The best strategy to maximize your connections is just swipe right on everyone (there are apps that will do that for you) then go back and look at the matches you have. Message the ones that are attractive/interesting and delete the others right away before you are temped to lower your standards.
> 
> Another piece of advice is I personally liked watching the Corey Wayne videos on utube when I was getting back into dating. They'll give you some good perspective that matches the type of dating philosophy I have. He also has a book out.


Thanks, Banana, 
I also enjoy Corey Wayne's videos. 

As for the Tinder idea, well...I'm not really sold on the strategy or swiping right for everyone. It seems like a waste of time (at least if I'm doing it by hand) if I have to go back in and delete them afterwards anyways. How does it help to get matches from girls you wouldn't be intersted in from the get-go and then delete them afterwards? I would like hear the reasoning behind this strategy.



Wolf1974 said:


> best advice I give about coming back into dating for guys:
> 
> It's a numbers game so get on all the OLD sites you can and if you find them attractive email them
> 
> ...


Thanks, @Wolf1974

I plan on getting together w/ a female friend I haven't seen in awhile and have her help me with a makeover of my wardrobe and other assets of my life. 


Alright, so I wanted to update you guys on this girl I asked out last week (as mentioned a few posts above this on my thread). Again, to clarify, she lives in CA where I'm temporarily located, but in another, smaller shop (I'm at the Central Hub). We've had some pretty fun conversations via IM on Skype, and the few times I've talked to her, she just "sounds" really fun and attractive. 

After telling me her phone was broken, I was going to wait a day or 2 then ask "what type of phone did you get?" Friday rolls around and I notice she's not online. I eventually called the store for a business related issue and casually the guy answered was working alone (because they had been short-staffed for awhile). He said "No, it's me and Jake". "Really?" I replied, "F's not there? she's always there when I call-in, heh" "No he responded, she took a day off and went to the doctor's office"

So long story short, she took the weekend off because she wasn't feeling well, and it was a legit reason. 

Since the weekend, she still seems pretty engaged in our conversations and seems to really enjoy talking to me, though she will often take awhile to respond, but I'm assuming that again, it's because they're short-staffed and she chats me up between rushes of dealing with customers"

Some quick examples
--She mentions getting stuck in traffic. I suggest she get a helicopter and then tell her that I often fantasize about being able to take off in my car and fly over traffic. She comes back with "OMG, I imagine that like everyday"

--I call her shop to verify availability showing in my system software to schedule an appt (which seemed highly unlikely due to our recent overload of work) she tells me it's not available. I sarcastically joke about we need to "Trust the System", which is one of the mantras our company often preaches, and then joke about the system is often wrong. She responds with a similiar gripe, followed by "It Liiiiiiieeeesssss!"

--I asked her what she likes to do for fun in her spare time. She tells me likes Animals and art, and well sometimes Draw, sing and take her dogs for walks, and then mentions how her and her BOYFRIEND do that a lot together (Boyfriend wasn't in caps though--I did that for emphasis).

She also asked "WBU?" What do you do for fun besides outdoorsy stuff?'

After I saw her mention her boyfriend, I'm like "well crap, well that probably shoots down any chance of actually hanging out with her. But then a little conflicting series of thoughts began to emerge. 

"I mean, does this really mean I can't hang out with her?" Obviously, were not going to try and start a relationship and there wouldn't be any "come to my place afterwards"--we just be having fun for one afternoon--I guess. Is it really even considered a date?"

But on the other hand, does that make it even worth the effort? What if I get her in trouble with her BF!!

I figured if I did ask her out, it would be something along the lines of "Hey F, I know you have a bf, but would you possibley still want to hang out this Saturday--if you felt uncomfortable with that, I would def understand"

Much less smooth than the more assumptive approach I was initially going to use of "So, when are we going to hang out--we better do it soon because I'm not going to be around for long"


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The tinder strategy makes a lot of sense. Think about it this way. I checked up the tinder rules and you get 100 likes per 12 hours. If you go through and pay attention you'll probably see 50% that you consider attractive and check into their pictures. That means to get to your 100 right swipes you have to look at 200 profiles/pictures and that will take quite a bit of time. If you sit on the couch and watch TV and swipe right to everyone without paying attention you've committed basically no time. You'll probably get just a handful of matches from those swipes and you can then go through those 1-10 people's profile, which takes much less time than going through 200 profiles. Rinse and repeat and you'll find someone within a couple days to connect with that you find attractive. But, don't get desperate and lower your standards. If you wouldn't introduce the women to your buddies and get a high five of approval, then don't take them home. 

If you've been watching the Corey Wayne videos you'll know not to waste your time friend zoning that woman. Instead if you are interested in her, just be direct. Say, "hey, I know you said you have a boyfriend but I'm interested in taking you on a date if you are available. Are you in a committed exclusive relationship or is it a casual relationship with him?" If she says that it's a committed relationship but she still wants to be friends, tell her that you aren't interested in friendship and if she becomes single again to give you a call. If she's just casually dating him then set up a definite time to meet and go out. If you value yourself and have high self esteem, being friend zoned by a woman that you like won't be an acceptable way to invest your time. You've got to know that it is a bad idea, right??


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> The tinder strategy makes a lot of sense. Think about it this way. I checked up the tinder rules and you get 100 likes per 12 hours. If you go through and pay attention you'll probably see 50% that you consider attractive and check into their pictures. That means to get to your 100 right swipes you have to look at 200 profiles/pictures and that will take quite a bit of time. If you sit on the couch and watch TV and swipe right to everyone without paying attention you've committed basically no time. You'll probably get just a handful of matches from those swipes and you can then go through those 1-10 people's profile, which takes much less time than going through 200 profiles. Rinse and repeat and you'll find someone within a couple days to connect with that you find attractive. But, don't get desperate and lower your standards. If you wouldn't introduce the women to your buddies and get a high five of approval, then don't take them home.
> 
> If you've been watching the Corey Wayne videos you'll know not to waste your time friend zoning that woman. Instead if you are interested in her, just be direct. Say, "hey, I know you said you have a boyfriend but I'm interested in taking you on a date if you are available. Are you in a committed exclusive relationship or is it a casual relationship with him?" If she says that it's a committed relationship but she still wants to be friends, tell her that you aren't interested in friendship and if she becomes single again to give you a call. If she's just casually dating him then set up a definite time to meet and go out. If you value yourself and have high self esteem, being friend zoned by a woman that you like won't be an acceptable way to invest your time. You've got to know that it is a bad idea, right??


I get that being direct is a good approach, and I really like the way you phrased that. 
So, I didn't say it like that, but I did ask her once more (on my last day in the Bay area) if she wanted to hang out before I left. She said "aww I would love to but I'm driving to Monterey Beach tonight for my BF's birthday party!" She then told me about her plans to surprise him and rent Dune Buggies the following day. 

Needless to say, it seems like she was committed to her BF. Not that any of that matters, as I live across the US and I don't think I want an LDR (since my first one failed). Also, I never even met her, she sounded cute, but there may not have been any attraction there.

Anyways, I'm back in OH now, so moving on..

I'm a little confused as to why the Friends-Zone is such a bad thing! Why is it cool to hang out with guys, but being friends with a female is "wasting your time". Unless I'm only out to get laid or have a romantic relationship, and as long as I can move on and pursue other women, I don't see why this is such terrible thing. Hell, I could use more female friends (or any friends really) widens your social circle and might help you might other chicks. Plus, being around attractive women a lot, even as platonic friends would probably help me with my social skills and it would be less pressure since I know there's not romantic possibility.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> I'm a little confused as to why the Friends-Zone is such a bad thing! Why is it cool to hang out with guys, but being friends with a female is "wasting your time". Unless I'm only out to get laid or have a romantic relationship, and as long as I can move on and pursue other women, I don't see why this is such terrible thing. Hell, I could use more female friends (or any friends really) widens your social circle and might help you might other chicks. Plus, being around attractive women a lot, even as platonic friends would probably help me with my social skills and it would be less pressure since I know there's not romantic possibility.


There's absolutely nothing wrong with having female friends, assuming they really are friends (e.g. you share the same hobbies). There is something wrong with trying to be friends with a woman you are attracted to hoping that she'll change her mind and develop feelings for you. This might come off as a little judgmental, but you lack confidence to see what you want and directly go after it. Going for the safe alternative of being in the "friend zone" will not help you develop inner confidence and better yourself. Why do you fear pressure of social situations and think you need a woman as a crutch to handle them? How about just insert yourself in the situations you are uneasy about until they no longer bother you and develop your social skills that way?


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