# Seperation with Benefits? How would it work?



## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey everyone...

So I finally got the nerve to tell my husband I wanted a seperation.

I plan on packing up the kids and moving back home to be near family.

My H has proposed something...

He will take a contracting position, supposedly out of the area we would be living in.

We will be seperated because of location, but have financial security. He has proposed a "OUR" bank account and a "MINE" bank account.

We will have a house back home and he will visit as often as able. Staying either at our home or with his father who is in the area.

In one way, I find that I like this idea. Because of the financial security.

But in the other, I don't like it. I still feel that he will have a say in my life. 

I'd love to know your thoughts!

Thanks


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

OhioGirl said:


> Hey everyone...
> I still feel that he will have a say in my life.
> Thanks


he will think so too. 
is that what you want?
i know the financial security part sounds good.
but is that why you get separated...
for him to think he still has control of you?
he might be thinking of some way with the "our" account to try and not pay what he should for the kids.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

I don't know any details here but it seems too entangled. 

The power of the purse is pretty big...I wonder what a marriage couselor would say about this arrangement. What strings would come with this?


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## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

My H's email... (with a few name changes...)

The contract position only works if we stay married... it doesn't mean that I expect anything out of you other than being true to our vows, which you have indicated is not a problem. We have your account and our account as we do now. We are open and honest about our spending from our account, you can do what you want with yours. No support needed because we are still married and the money is there. I come to town as much as I can... stay in our place if we are up to it, stay at my dads if not. Try to talk and maybe grab dinner or something when I am there.

If you find what you are looking for and still want to be with me, then I move back home with you in Ohio. If it doesn't work out we go our separate ways, but it would be nice if we maintained the situation until the older two flew the nest.

With this plan, my goal would be to get back and forth to Ohio as much as I can and be part of the kids lives (while having the money to do this), with and ultimate goal of reconciling our marriage (my goal). 

I would like to find a cheaper condo there for you in a decent area. If things don't reconcile by the time time our son graduates, it is yours to keep.

We try to maintain the house out here and rent it out until we can get rid of it, or if we do finally split up, you get the condo and maybe I come back out here and take the house. The only downfall is we probably won't find one that would fit all four of you in it.

The biggest difference for me here is the ability to financially be part of the kids lives and have the resources to get back and forth while you do what you need to do. We could also talk separation out here, but I don't think that is an option for you... although I would do it. Note: your reason for wanting separation seemed to have changed slightly, and that is ok. Separation out here is financially feasible, but I would be around to maintain the house - our investment.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

No way.
My H offered to stay in the house only live downstairs.
I am ending the relationship for a reason.
Given his past behavior it would be unacceptable.
I think he just wanted access so he could play me in my vulnerable moments or when things get hectic for me (and he would have a chance to make them hectic). Of course I am going to struggle financially and logistically at times. You do in or out of a relationship, it's not going to be mitigated by staying married separated with benefits kind of arrangement. My H only offers what he can afford to lose to gain in the longer term.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

OhioGirl said:


> My H's email... (with a few name changes...)
> 
> The contract position only works if we stay married... it doesn't mean that I expect anything out of you other than being true to our vows, which you have indicated is not a problem. We have your account and our account as we do now. We are open and honest about our spending from our account, you can do what you want with yours. No support needed because we are still married and the money is there. I come to town as much as I can... stay in our place if we are up to it, stay at my dads if not. Try to talk and maybe grab dinner or something when I am there.
> 
> ...


Exactly where is the separation, if he's coming out all the time, supporting you and sharing finances while you remain "true to your vows" when he's not around? I mean really, it sounds like any marriage where one of the partners travels/ works remotely much of the time. It sounds very similar to arrangements that I've seen with (presumably) happily married people in the military or oil & gas, for example. What would be the point/benefit of this "separation" under these terms?


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## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

@ COGypsy

There is the seperation, but he would still have say on what is going on I think.

Which is what I want to get away from.

Anyway this is a moot point as he has *decided* that we need to work on our marriage and says he refuses to let me take the kids away. (Well kid as they are 20, 18 and 13)

All I want is the man to go away and he won't do it. 

We have recently talked of moving "closer" to home, where he can find a job. But when I mentioned that I would still want a seperation, he said this: "But yes, I do think that we should go back and stay together for 2-3 years (then see from there) and work on this while we take care of our children and recover financially"

What am I supposed to do?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

OhioGirl said:


> @ COGypsy
> 
> There is the seperation, but he would still have say on what is going on I think.
> 
> ...


Well, if you want to end the marriage, you file for separation/divorce and custody of your child and you move out. Then if he doesn't leave and doesn't leave you alone, he is in violation of court orders. But in that process, you set it up with the usual boundaries--you each have your own houses, your own bank accounts, he pays child support, (not transfers between joint accounts), he has visitation, not visits...that kind of thing. You create your boundaries and let the courts help you enforce them until you can do it more effectively and consistently on your own.

But it's certainly not a one-sided direction either way....


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

OhioGirl said:


> All I want is the man to go away and he won't do it.


Don't know if I missed this or not, but why are you done? What happened that you don't want to work on your marriage and he does?


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