# Met a girl online



## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

I have met someone online, I play a bit of online games in my spare time and I met a girl whilst playing. I bit of background on me, I'm 26 and I have just come out of a long term relationship in the past couple of months. I have been enjoying my new single life. I started talking to a girl I met whilst gaming, basically some mild flirting like you always get with members of the opposite sex. 

We were talking for a few months when she suggested we meet up, so I thought why not? I really liked talking to her, had a good laugh, but I wasn't attracted to her. We did however continue to meet up, about once every couple of weeks, we live a few hours train journey apart. We became very close, would talk every day and try and meet up whenever we could. 

After one of these meetings when we had both returned to our respective cities, she sent me a text asking if we could be more than friends. Truth is I did have a bit of an emotional attachment to her by now, although she wasn't really my type physically, i agreed that we could see if we could have a relationship.

We started dating, and things actually went really well. Fast forward 4 months and we got pregnant, She was on the pill but I guess it's not 100% . To say this was a shock would be an understatement. At this point the relationship is quite new, we havnt spent a lot of time together really, she wants commitment now, and thinks we should get married before the baby is born. Its all gone so fast, what should I do? Do I have a choice? I have a responsibility to her now, but its a huge step. 

Any advice would be great, thanks for reading


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

If you are not ready to get married, then don't. You can be a good parent to your child without getting married. Getting married "for the baby's sake" isn't a good idea if you are not ready for marriage. Really, it's not a good idea to get married PERIOD if you are not ready for that step. Don't just jump into this without thinking it through. Sad to say, if you do, you could end up resenting each other...and be on here in a couple years because you feel like she trapped you (even if this is NOT the case, you could still feel it.). Think long and hard about whether marriage is what you want right now.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

It comes down to choices, so is she choosing to be pregnant because in this day an age it doesn't have to be, morning after pill, chemical abortion before so many weeks.

You chose to trust and not use protection have you thought about why?

If she isn't physically your type now god help you after babies maybe.

You can choose to not commit  i vote for this as you are way out of your depth and all to soon.

You have to really think about what you want.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> If you are not ready to get married, then don't. You can be a good parent to your child without getting married. Getting married "for the baby's sake" isn't a good idea if you are not ready for marriage. Really, it's not a good idea to get married PERIOD if you are not ready for that step. Don't just jump into this without thinking it through. Sad to say, if you do, you could end up resenting each other...and be on here in a couple years because you feel like she trapped you (even if this is NOT the case, you could still feel it.). Think long and hard about whether marriage is what you want right now.


Thanks for replying, I am doing a lot of thinking about this. Its scary for both of us, I can understand that she wants some commitment, she dosnt want to feel alone in this. She dosnt work, so she would move to be with me, she said a big wedding isn't important to her, just that we get married. It's a huge step, and my feelings are a bit all over the place right now.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> It comes down to choices, so is she choosing to be pregnant because in this day an age it doesn't have to be, morning after pill, chemical abortion before so many weeks.
> 
> You chose to trust and not use protection have you thought about why?
> 
> ...



She's dead against abortion, and if I'm honest, so am I. So thats not an option. I don't know, the fought of having a baby is scary but also exciting, and I don't want to miss out on anything, being a weekend dad dosnt appeal to me. I won't see her again now for 2weeks as I'm busy at work, shes a nice girl, I don't want to mess her about.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Rainyday said:


> Thanks for replying, I am doing a lot of thinking about this. Its scary for both of us, I can understand that she wants some commitment, she dosnt want to feel alone in this. She dosnt work, so she would move to be with me, she said a big wedding isn't important to her, just that we get married. It's a huge step, and my feelings are a bit all over the place right now.


Well, if you if you WANT her to move in with you, then do it. But if you are all over the place about getting married right now, I don't think you are ready. But that's JMO. It doesn't mean you will NEVER be ready, nor does it mean you will never be ready to marry HER. If you aren't ready, then don't do it. And tell her honestly that you are not ready to get married.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I see you are in a " catch 22". Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Whatever you do, do not get married to this girl at this point.
You have some feeling fro her , and obviously , she has a lot of feeling for you.
But marriage is an entire different matter.
Tell her that you will continue supporting her during the pregnancy,and stick to your word.
Tell her you stance on marriage and that you need time to sort it out.
If she's mature enough,
She will understand.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

What do you want to do? Do you love her? Want to spend the rest of your life with her? If either answer is no...don't get married cause she feels " its the right thing to do". The right thing is be the best father you can be and let the relationship develop. If in time the answer becomes yes to those questions then you get married.
I know you want to do the right thing but the right thing to do for you might be different then the right thing for her.
Why is she not working?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks for the advice, just to answer a few questions brought up, she dsont work at the minute because the shop she worked in closed, and unfortunately she lost her job. 

I've always been a bit confused about what love actually is, I know that I care a lot about her and enjoy her company. I could imagine us living together.

Shes a very shy person, it took a lot out of her to ask me out, she hasn't had a boyfriend before, she is 28. Next time I visit her she wants me to meet her family, which is another big step, its a bit like "hi, you've never met me before but I'm the guy who got your daughter pregnant" I don't know what their reaction will be to that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Do NOT get married under these circumstances. Just don't do it. Tell her you will support her and the baby but that you're not ready to make a life long commitment after just a short time dating. I'm with CM if she's mature she will understand.


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

Please DO NOT get married! I've been here before and have an entire thread on it if you want a glimpse into the future.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Since she doesn't work, at 26 can you support a newborn, her and yourself? That's a lot to ask to do for something that before the pregnancy seemed casual at best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Please dont get married right now....wait....time for everything in the future








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

So much good advice here for you rainyday. Focus on being as supportive of her as you can during the pregnancy and allow the relationship to develop. Meet her family, be a good partner and help where you can. When the baby is born, focus on being the best daddy you can be. There is no rulebook on how to handle this situation. You know deep down that you don't want to get married right now. All of these folks have confirmed that and so am I. It would be a huge mistake and when you finally realize that you don't want to be married, it will be much harder to leave with a ring on your finger.

Take a deep breath. Do the right thing. Don't get married.

Keep asking for support here.


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## So hurt (Aug 28, 2012)

Wow, your story sounds very similar to mine. I have to agree with mostly everyone else here that says that you shouldn't get married. Trust me man if you conscience is telling you to not get married or to wait, PLEASE LISTEN TO IT! I learned the hard way because I too had those same thoughts when I found out that my x who was my g/f at the time was pregnant and she begged and pleaded me to get married because she was so worried what her parents and family was going to think of her. After so much begging and pleading I finally gave in and I sold my soul to the devil at that point  If I only had the ability to go back in time and tell myself back then to not do it but you have a golden opportunity now. Just wait and she should understand and if she doesn't that should be a red flag for you. You'll avoid a serious heartbreak which is what happened to me. Best of luck and make a decision that best fits you because you feel that way and not because she or anybody else is telling you to do something.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You were too trusting that she was on birth control. Did you see her take the pill everyday? No. She was looking for a man to take care of her (no job) & have a baby with.

In walked you.

You are not physically attracted to her. You don't love her. A baby is not a good enough reason to get married.

My advice is not to let her move in with you. You have to help support the baby but not her.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Emerald said:


> *She was looking for a man to take care of her (no job) & have a baby with.
> 
> In walked you.*


Bingo! This was my initial thinking as well.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You were too trusting that she was on birth control. Did you see her take the pill everyday? No. She was looking for a man to take care of her (no job) & have a baby with.
> 
> In walked you.
> 
> ...


I didn't see her physically take the pills no, but I don't believe she would be so deceitful, I know enough about her personality that I really don't think she would do that. She seemed genuinely shocked as well at the time. 

I do care about her very much, so I don't know what way to go on this, it would be smart to wait and see how I feel further down the line.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It takes two to tango so I won't be in the camp of those saying she "tricked" you into getting pregnant, she wanted a "rescuer to move in with" and she "lied to you" about being on the pill.

Nope. The thing is: you made a *choice *to have sex with her and have a relationship for 4 months, too. She happened to fall pregnant. It happens. It sucks but it does happen. And that is correct: the pill is not 100% full-proof for preventing pregnancies. In fact, the only thing that is 100% full-proof (fool-proof, heh) is NOT having sex.

You played with fire and got burned.

But enough of my lecture (hee).

You aren't 100% sure on getting married to this chick. That is the bottom line. So I will tell you straight up: DO NOT GET MARRIED JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED.

Marriage is a major life decision. Do not just do it because one party thinks it's the thing to do. No no no.

You were already wishy washy on even dating her. In the future, if you are wishy washy about someone, end it. Now 4 months later she wants to tie the knot cause you knocked her up? Nope. 

Unless you are 100% sure/sold you want to marry, because it's what YOU want to do, _do not do not do not _ get married.

I am saying this as someone who remembers distinctly sitting on the bed as my now exH said "We should just do it--get married" and thinking "Omg this is going so fast, let's wait a little;" as someone who had a knot in her throat while driving up to get married, my legs felt like jelly(beans), ha!; As someone who at the part where in the ceremony they say _"If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace"_--someone who at that moment, thought of something else............(you can even see me on the video footage looking upwards and stifling back a sniffle)...

One divorce later...

I am telling you: DON'T. 

Your gut is there for a reason.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Do NOT get married now.

The ONLY way I would advise for you to get married before this baby is born.. is if by some mircle in the next several months.. as her belly grows, and you can SEE that she is pregnant... And suddenly you have a feeling that you absolutely would not be able to live without her. Then, get married right before little one is born.

Otherwise... Don't do it now.

My brother in law & his wife have a very happy marriage. They had a daughter together before they were married. They knew they were not ready at that time. Several years later, they both decided it was meant to be. They were not going to split apart, ever. So they did get married. They had a son several years later.

Now, both children are grown.. & those two are still in love & still are married. Infact, just a couple weeks ago, I saw them walking into the grocery store together.. hand in hand! (Awwww so sweet). They have at least 25 years of happy marriage.

I truely believe it was because they both waited until they KNEW it was the right thing for both of them & they were both never gonna love someone else.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It takes two to tango so I won't be in the camp of those saying she "tricked" you into getting pregnant, she wanted a "rescuer to move in with" and she "lied to you" about being on the pill.
> 
> Nope. The thing is: you made a *choice *to have sex with her and have a relationship for 4 months, too. She happened to fall pregnant. It happens. It sucks but it does happen. And that is correct: the pill is not 100% full-proo for preventing pregnancies. In fact, the only thing that is 100% full-proof (fool-proof, heh) is NOT having sex.
> 
> ...


Well said, Jelly! Beans!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thank you. 

::Bows and curtsies::


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

thank you for all of the advice, marriage is a big deal, I don't want to rush into it without being sure first. We are getting on very well at the moment, all things considered. I enjoy being with her, I guess that's a good start
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

My suggestion is to just take things day by day, be part of the pregnancy, attend the dr. appointments with her, be supportive in that way. The rest will fall into place. No need to rush into any other major life changes at this point.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Hi guys, I'm back. Been a very busy last few weeks. I have been down to meet the girlfriends parents. I was nervous about that, but it went well. They are a nice family. Gf asked again about getting married, I said that there was no rush and she got a little upset but then said she didn't want to scare me off or anything just that she wants us to be a proper family. 

I have been doing lots of thinking about it, some days I think I want to do it, then other days I'm more cautious. I guess thats reason enough not to go through with it just yet. She says that she feels that we don't see each other enough and is always hinting about marriage, I think about how I would feel about her as my wife, not just a gf and the truth is I could see that as a good thing.I'm confused about my real feelings I guess.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Well,
Best of luck to you both!


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Well,
> Best of luck to you both!


Thanks, I just don't know what the future will hold. It's not something that was planned or I even thought would happen, but it has. It's just finding the right thing to do


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

The right thing to do is what your heart tells you meditate and pray about this sooner or later you will have your answer. What if your best bud was in a similar position and asked you what should he do get married or wait ?? what would your response be ???


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> The right thing to do is what your heart tells you meditate and pray about this sooner or later you will have your answer. What if your best bud was in a similar position and asked you what should he do get married or wait ?? what would your response be ???


Honestly, I would probably say wait. But that's easy to say when your not the one actually involved. I feel a lot of responsibility towards this girl, I gave become very emotionally attached to her. She is a very good girlfriend, so part of me thinks she would be a good wife as well. I just don't want to do something rash without being sure it's what I want as well.


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

Rainyday said:


> I have met someone online, I play a bit of online games in my spare time and I met a girl whilst playing. I bit of background on me, I'm 26 and I have just come out of a long term relationship in the past couple of months. I have been enjoying my new single life. I started talking to a girl I met whilst gaming, basically some mild flirting like you always get with members of the opposite sex.
> 
> We were talking for a few months when she suggested we meet up, so I thought why not? I really liked talking to her, had a good laugh, but I wasn't attracted to her. We did however continue to meet up, about once every couple of weeks, we live a few hours train journey apart. We became very close, would talk every day and try and meet up whenever we could.
> 
> ...


Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's look at the clues...

* She suggested you meet
* She wanted to be more than friends
* She "accidentally" got pregnant
* She now wants you to marry her

Stop being a ***** and wake the **** up. If it's not too late for an abortion, grab her by her hair and drag her down to wherever she needs to get to to have one. **** her body and **** her choice. Or kick her. It will save you 18 years of grief. 

And here's what you should do in future : 

* If you're going to have sex without a condom, make sure you go with her to buy a box of contraceptive pills. Read the instructions until you can quote them in your sleep. Get her to read them and test her. Literally test her to make sure she knows what she's supposed to do. Then, keep some on you at all times and at home too, and make sure she has some at home aswell (count them, just in case she uses one with someone else). That way there will never be the excuse that there aren't any available. When she uses them, stand right by her and watch her do so. 

* Condoms. Keep them in a secure box (a safe) at home. That way, she won't ever be able to access them and stick a needle in them. And count them too. And give her a few to keep at home (count them, and put a discreet mark on them, in case she uses one with someone else and then replaces it. But never actually use any of them yourself in case she sticks a needle in them. Just have her have them at home as a test).

* If any woman insists on having sex without a condom (and acts like a child when you object) run. Run for the hills. Run to freedom. 

You're 26. Don't waste your life. And don't insult yourself by talking like you and her are somehow on the same side, like this is something that has befallen both of you. It's not. It has happened to you. And why are you meeting her parents? Stop wasting your time.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

John Stiles said:


> Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Let's look at the clues...
> 
> ...


What your saying sounds extreme, but it mirrors what a friend of mine said to me about this. I don't think it went down like that at all in fairness. I don't think she would do something like that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Don't marry her. In all honesty I don't even think you should have a relationship with her. You are wasting both your's and her time. You are having a baby with a really good friend. You didn't start calling her your GF until just now.

You barely see her and when you did it sounds as though it was a FWB situation plus you don't even find her attractive. I would be devastated if I someday found out my SO never found me attractive. That is a huge thing IMO. 

Just because someone is nice and you get along doesn't mean you should be in a relationship and certainly not married to them. And she seems rather eager to get married if it's only been a few months that you've been sleeping together (this isn't even a solid dating relationship).


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

Rainyday said:


> I don't think she would do something like that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You better start thinking it. It's not far fetched at all. If you marry this person, I'm willing to bet that one night you'll wake up screaming with my words and the words of others here warning you ringing in your head, followed by the twilight zone music. Don't be stupid and don't be naive. There's a part of you deep down that knows it's a bad idea. Listen to it. Go to a mirror and give yourself a slap. Get some ice cold water and pour it over yourself. Wake yourself up. Get her to have an abortion. Don't ask her opinion, just get her to do it. Make up a reason why you can't have a kid and pretend you've lost your job and have no money. Tell her you're going to hitchhike or join a commune or something. You've made a massive mistake but you can still save yourself years and years of grief.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You say you don't know what love is because you haven't fallen in love yet! When it happens, you WILL know. The first thing that will happen is you will be so ATTRACTED to a woman & want to be with her all of the time.

You seem like a nice, smart young man. You came to this forum because you know deep down that marrying her is a big mistake.

You can still have a relationship with her as the Mother of your child. Nobody is telling you to dump her. 

So you get married & life is comfortable....until you meet the woman of your dreams. You tell that woman that you never really loved your wife & only got married because she got pregnant. Then you either cheat on your wife or divorce her.

So now in addition to child support, you "get" to pay alimony & now your paycheck is cut in half or more because wife does not work.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

I understand everyone's concerns, that's why I'm here, because at some point I was thinking the same thing. I do however have feelings for this girl, I don't know if that's enough though, I'm not sure how I feel. Maybe real life isn't about fairy tales, the fact is that she is a nice person, I enjoy her company. I don't know what will happen, it helps to keep me grounded by being on this forum and getting advice of more experienced people. I don't want to hurt her, we are in a relationship, though it is lond distance. I guess I need to decide what to do for the best she is coming up to stay with me for the weekend, it will give us a chance to talk, see where we are
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I just want to point out the suggestion about the birth control above - "count them, just in case she uses one with someone else" - doesn't work with the Pill. You either take it every day or you don't, you don't only take the Pill when you have sex. You have to take it -every day-. 

And - if either partner assumes that, both might need a refresher course.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> I just want to point out the suggestion about the birth control above - "count them, just in case she uses one with someone else" - doesn't work with the Pill. You either take it every day or you don't, you don't only take the Pill when you have sex. You have to take it -every day-.
> 
> And - if either partner assumes that, both might need a refresher course.


Yeah I'm aware of that, I was wondering what that poster was talking about
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Nobody is telling you to dump her.


I f u c k i n g well am. 

Dump her, lose her immediately. There's a very high probability that she's using you. She "accidentally" got pregnant, even though the pill is highly effective. You haven't even asked yourself how that could happen, but you should. And now she wants you to marry her. And you barely know her. For crying out loud how many clues do you need? You keep talking about how nice a person she is and how much you enjoy her company, you're deluding yourself. You don't have feelings for her, you're being a chump and a fool and I beg you to think. 

The pill. Yes, stand right next to her every day if you have to and watch her take it. Or get her to film herself with her phone doing it every day. I know it sounds stupid, but not as stupid as trusting someone without good cause and messing your life up. Failing that, just use a condom every time, and make sure they're yours, not hers. 

I don't pray, but right now I'm praying that you take my advice.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

John Stiles said:


> I f u c k i n g well am.
> 
> Dump her, lose her immediately. There's a very high probability that she's using you. She "accidentally" got pregnant, even though the pill is highly effective. You haven't even asked yourself how that could happen, but you should. And now she wants you to marry her. And you barely know her. For crying out loud how many clues do you need? You keep talking about how nice a person she is and how much you enjoy her company, you're deluding yourself. You don't have feelings for her, you're being a chump and a fool and I beg you to think.
> 
> ...


Well you have given me something to think about. I don't think you're right about her, but some things you say I need to listen too.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Rainyday View Post
> I have met someone online, I play a bit of online games in my spare time and I met a girl whilst playing. I bit of background on me, I'm 26 and I have just come out of a long term relationship in the past couple of months. I have been enjoying my new single life. I started talking to a girl I met whilst gaming, basically some mild flirting like you always get with members of the opposite sex.
> 
> We were talking for a few months when she suggested we meet up, so I thought why not? I really liked talking to her, had a good laugh, but I wasn't attracted to her. We did however continue to meet up, about once every couple of weeks, we live a few hours train journey apart. We became very close, would talk every day and try and meet up whenever we could.
> ...


Correction, OP. _ You have a responsibility towards the child_. And you're not doing that child, yourself or your GF any favours by getting married simply because your GF is pregnant. You can be supportive of your GF, and be a father to the child, but you don't have to marry her, unless you know that you really want to.

I find it rather disturbing that your GF is pressing for commitment so early on in the relationship - particularly as you haven't seen a lot of one another. Tread _very carefully_, don't be manipulated into doing anything you don't want to do.

You don't need me to tell you that having unprotected sex is never a good idea, and it might be wise to make sure that you were the only man your GF has done this with...


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Correction, OP. _ You have a responsibility towards the child_. And you're not doing that child, yourself or your GF any favours by getting married simply because your GF is pregnant. You can be supportive of your GF, and be a father to the child, but you don't have to marry her, unless you know that you really want to.
> 
> I find it rather disturbing that your GF is pressing for commitment so early on in the relationship - particularly as you haven't seen a lot of one another. Tread _very carefully_, don't be manipulated into doing anything you don't want to do.
> 
> You don't need me to tell you that having unprotected sex is never a good idea, and it might be wise to make sure that you were the only man your GF has done this with...


I agree, I need to make sure what ever happens the baby comes first. But I don't want to just see my child every weekend or something like that, because of the distance. I want to see him/her everyday. My gf wants us to be a family, so I'm thinking, would that be such a bad thing?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Rainyday said:


> I agree, I need to make sure what ever happens the baby comes first. But I don't want to just see my child every weekend or something like that, because of the distance. I want to see him/her everyday. My gf wants us to be a family, so I'm thinking, would that be such a bad thing?


OP, if you're unsure about marrying her, don't make the mistake of moving in with her. You can be a father without doing that.

I'm sorry, but I do feel that your GF could be manipulating you. Including getting 'accidentally' pregnant. I don't mean to be insensitive, but are you sure this baby is in fact yours?


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> OP, if you're unsure about marrying her, don't make the mistake of moving in with her. You can be a father without doing that.
> 
> I'm sorry, but I do feel that your GF could be manipulating you. Including getting 'accidentally' pregnant. I don't mean to be insensitive, but are you sure this baby is in fact yours?


I don't have any doubt that it's my baby, the dates add up, and she is not the type of person to lie about that. She was brought up well, her family are very nice people. I don't doubt her. I trust her, that's one thing i am sure about, she is a trustworthy person

She hasn't had a serious relationship before, so that may be why she is a bit over clingy and nervous about me not wanting to commit. She is coming up 2moro to stay for a few days, so we can talk about things.


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

Rainyday said:


> I agree, I need to make sure what ever happens the baby comes first. But I don't want to just see my child every weekend or something like that, because of the distance. I want to see him/her everyday. My gf wants us to be a family, so I'm thinking, would that be such a bad thing?


She wants, she wants, she wants. Look at you. Everything you say revolves around what she wants. She wants a kid, she wants to get married, and all you do is shrug and say why not. At this rate you might aswell put on some makeup and wear a dress because she's in charge of you. You're going to be a henpecked husband with a bleak future, and she's only just getting started. 

Get her to have an abortion asap (or, as the poster above says, it might not even be yours, so you should find out) and have nothing more to do with her. As it stands, today, right now, you're an idiot. Stop being an idiot immediately and get your balls back. Stop lying to yourself, stop justifying what she says and does, stop stop making excuses. I don't care how nice she seems (any devil can act nice, it's not that hard), she's no good. 

Nearly everyone here is telling you to wake up. If you don't listen, one day you'll remember the day you started this thread, you'll shake your head, and you'll ask why, why, oh why didn't I listen. And by then it will be too late. If you live to be 70, you have 44 years of misery ahead of you. To avoid that, get her to have an abortion / find out if it's even yours, and run. 

Don't argue, just do it.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

John Stiles said:


> She wants, she wants, she wants. Look at you. Everything you say revolves around what she wants. She wants a kid, she wants to get married, and all you do is shrug and say why not. At this rate you might aswell put on some makeup and wear a dress because she's in charge of you. You're going to be a henpecked husband with a bleak future, and she's only just getting started.
> 
> Get her to have an abortion asap (or, as the poster above says, it might not even be yours, so you should find out) and have nothing more to do with her. As it stands, today, right now, you're an idiot. Stop being an idiot immediately and get your balls back. Stop lying to yourself, stop justifying what she says and does, stop stop making excuses. I don't care how nice she seems (any devil can act nice, it's not that hard), she's no good.
> 
> ...


I respect your advice and your opinion, but you are wrong about her as a person. But it's good to hear opinions from others. I won't do anything I don't want to do in the end, I'm trying to come to the right decision so that I can avoid making a big mistake.


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

On what basis do you think I'm wrong about her? 

Everything that has happened from the moment you started chatting until now, all of it, is due to her. How much of it was your idea? Do you really think this is the first time anything like that has ever happened? Unfortunately, we live in a world where it's all too common for females to behave in very sneaky ways. "Oh but she's not like that", yeah right. She might not be like that, but all the evidence indicates that she is.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I don't have any doubt that it's my baby, the dates add up, and she is not the type of person to lie about that. She was brought up well, her family are very nice people. I don't doubt her. I trust her, that's one thing i am sure about, she is a trustworthy person


I hope you are right, OP, but you have only known her for 4 months, and it has been a _long distance relationship_. That really isn't enough together time to know one another enough to make plans for the rest of your lives.

Whatever you do, I wish you well.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Bingo! This was my initial thinking as well.


Back while in college(back when they wore leather helmets), I had a football teammate who was rather handsome, intelligent, athletic, muscular, a great personality, and it was no secret that his family had a little bit of geedas.

Well along comes this gal who likes what she sees in him, they strike up an acquaintance, she tells him she's on the pill, then he starts thinking more with his non-cranial head, and knocks her up.

Suffice it to say that his folks make him "shotgun it" in order to save face in the community, so he gives up football, and drops out of college to give support to his "new family." Two years later, it all ends in an ugly divorce, but because of the family's opulent lifestyle, she gets a rather large child support check out of it.

As much as it may seem to be the right thing to do, at this juncture, marriage should be the furtherest thing from your mind.
Help her out, support her through this the best way that you can. When that child is born, provided that you have red blood flowing through your system, it should absolutely turn your world upside down... and in a very good way!

Get to know her and perhaps come to love her for who she is.
Then, and only then, when your conscience tells you that it is right and that you are truly in love with her, then that would be the time to plan for your nuptuals.

Please take a lesson from my college friend of yesteryear!


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Get to know her and perhaps come to love her for who she is.
> Then, and only then, when your conscience tells you that it is right and that you are truly in love with her, then that would be the time to plan for your nuptuals.


I disagree. She's tricked him, and therefore he should have nothing at all to do with her. He's desperate to play happy families which is why he's the perfect victim for her trick. Look at how he justifies everything she wants.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I do believe that she got pregnant intentionally. I'm a cynical person though so I _could_ be wrong but everything you have said makes that highly probable. You said you are her first relationship and she is what, 28? You said you were not attracted to her so I'm guessing she isn't very good looking in general. She probably saw you give her any bit of attention, pushed the issue of dating you and then said she was on the pill when she really wasn't because she thinks you are her only shot at having a family. I'm sorry but I've been on the pill for at least a decade and the only way you get pregnant on it is by not taking it (or messing up taking it). There are rare cases of it happening but I highly doubt that she is in the .01% minority.

You have only dated her for 4 months. You don't know her at all. There are people who have been together for 20 years and then all of a sudden stuff comes out and they realize they never really knew their partner at all. I'm telling you right now you are being deceived and manipulated. This girl is going to dangle that baby over you to get what she wants every chance she gets and she is already doing it however subtle it may be for now.

I am saying point blank - end whatever relationship you have now and tell her the two of you are just friends and you will be there to support the baby. You are living a lie right now and it isn't fair to you and while she thinks this is what she wants it isn't fair for her either.


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

Listen to Soifon. 

And bear in mind that females who are approaching 30 tend to get desperate for a kid. 

You're being used. She'll swear up and down that she's sincere, and she might even believe it herself (after all, who wants to admit to themselves that they're a deceiving little devilwoman?), but that's what is going on. All the clues point to that. You're a chump. Stop it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

John Stiles said:


> I disagree. She's tricked him, and therefore he should have nothing at all to do with her. He's desperate to play happy families which is why he's the perfect victim for her trick. Look at how he justifies everything she wants.



My college buddy was tricked, too! My only advice is to only offer up that marriage proposal if he were to feel it in his heart and soul knowing full-well that it is absolutely the right thing for him to do. In the absence of that, he should not marry, but remain single, and help to supply the needed resources in which to financially and emotionally support his child!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

1. When a man is ready to marry a woman they know. If they hesitate for a second...they aren't ready. Don't do it.

2. Look at the evidence. Seriously consider that you don't know this girl as well as you think.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

You've all given me food for thought, thats for sure. I still think she isn't as deceitful as some of you think she may be. But of course I have to be careful. She is undoubtably very clingy, but I just think this is all new to her and she dosnt know how to act.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

She's clingy because she doesn't want you to leave. Why is it so hard for you to grasp that she would then get pregnant to make it even harder for you to leave? Clingy women are usually the most manipulative.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Rainyday said:


> You've all given me food for thought, thats for sure. I still think she isn't as deceitful as some of you think she may be. But of course I have to be careful. She is undoubtably very clingy, but I just think this is all new to her and she dosnt know how to act.


You don't know her well enough. Maybe she isn't "deceitful" but skipped a bc pill here & there. It would be interesting to know more about her. Is she college-educated? Does she have a career that she loves? or is her only goal to get married & have children?

If you tell her you do not want to get married, how will she react?


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

Rainyday said:


> You've all given me food for thought, thats for sure. I still think she isn't as deceitful as some of you think she may be. But of course I have to be careful. She is undoubtably very clingy, but I just think this is all new to her and she dosnt know how to act.


Yes, you keep saying that you don't think she's deceiving you, but that's just words without any basis, and it sounds like wishful thinking to me. I'm not a particularly scientifically minded person, but in situations like this, I like to put on my scientist's cap. I invite you to do the same. Make a decision right now to be objective, and to look at the evidence. 

Enough messing around. Think about this : 

* List 10 qualities about her that you admire. If you list anything that I don't consider worthwhile or relevant, I'll tell you. 

* List all the decisions that you've made between first chatting to her and today that have come entirely from you. 

* Why did you have sex with her without a condom? Whose idea was that? 

* If you found out that the kid isn't yours, would you be relieved? 

* If she disappeared and you never heard from her again, would you be relieved? 

* Are you desperate to play happy families? I think you are. Do you agree?

* Do you feel, in your gut, that everything that has happened and is happening now is something that you're caught up in, rather than making it happen?

You must base your opinions and thoughts on nothing but evidence. I don't care how nice she seems. Be a scientist. Cold, unfeeling, and interested in nothing but the facts.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Meet girl online
Meet girl in person
Girl is not attractive
Have sex with girl because no one else is around and are horny
Agree to date girl because you never really see her anyway so, meh, it gets her to stop bringing it up.
Girl gets pregnant
*Marry girl <----WTF?!?!?! How do you get there in this timeline?* 
(^marry girl to basically get her to stop bringing it up, seriously WTF?)

I don't mean to be harsh but you really seem to have no backbone. Why are you constantly giving in to this girl that you don't even want? I bet you will marry her because you don't want confrontation and you will pop out more kids because again, she will nag and you don't want confrontation. And when you are 50 years old you will finally wake up and realize you wasted your chance at a real relationship. I don't want to be rude but this is just my perception and I hope I'm wrong and that you wake up to all of this before it's too late.

I think it does come down to confrontation. You obviously hate it. I mean John Stiles told you to kick her to kill your unborn child and you tell him, thanks for your point of view I'll think about what you've said. I would have told him that he's a freaking psycho if this was my thread. (Although Stiles I do agree with a lot of what you have said but seriously, kick her? LMFAO)


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

You're right, Soifon. I've been trying to express the same thing. He's got no backbone, that's right. The only thing that gives him any hope is the fact that his subconscious knows better and has led him to start this thread. I just hope that our repetitive warnings will wake him up sooner rather than later. 

Rainyday, you're being manipulated and I wish you could see it. I've called you an idiot, a chump, and a fool, and you're taking it all because you know it's true. You're vulnerable, which is why she hit the jackpot with you. We're trying to save your life and all you can do is make excuses for her.

Imagine this. You're married to her, with a kid, and you're walking down the street, watching all the nice girls go by but you can't do anything because you're stuck. Then you look at your mrs and think what the hell am I doing with her. Come on man.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Soifon said:


> Meet girl online
> Meet girl in person
> Girl is not attractive
> Have sex with girl because no one else is around and are horny
> ...


Technically you're not wrong, that's the way the timeline went really, everything moving to fast. It dosnt mean that I haven't formed an emotional bond with her, if I thought she was deceitful I wouldn't have met up with her again and I wouldn't have a choice to make. In time who knows? I won't marry her unless I want to, I'm struggling to know what I want to do right now. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Rainyday said:


> Technically you're not wrong, that's the way the timeline went really, everything moving to fast. It dosnt mean that I haven't formed an emotional bond with her, if I thought she was deceitful I wouldn't have met up with her again and I wouldn't have a choice to make. In time who knows? I won't marry her unless I want to, I'm struggling to know what I want to do right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP, you haven't known her long enough, nor been around her enough to know whether she is or not. 

Be supportive of her through her pregnancy and be there for the child, but don't make your relationship permanent (and that includes moving in with her) until you know her a lot more than you do now.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> OP, you haven't known her long enough, nor been around her enough to know whether she is or not.
> 
> Be supportive of her through her pregnancy and be there for the child, but don't make your relationship permanent (and that includes moving in with her) until you know her a lot more than you do now.



I think that's fair enough. It's sound advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

How long between when you met and when you had sex?

Did she start taking the pill after you met?

Seems strange that she has never had a relationship and yet she was on the pill?


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## Finchley Argon (Oct 18, 2012)

Is she older or younger than you?


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

How about ADOPTION? There are lots of couples who can AFFORD a new baby, have the time and desire to raise that child. Consider this option, then you both can move forward with life.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> How long between when you met and when you had sex?
> 
> Did she start taking the pill after you met?
> 
> Seems strange that she has never had a relationship and yet she was on the pill?


We had been meeting for about a month before we had sex, she is on the pill to regulate her period.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Finchley Argon said:


> Is she older or younger than you?


3 years older, she's just turning 29


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

ankh said:


> How about ADOPTION? There are lots of couples who can AFFORD a new baby, have the time and desire to raise that child. Consider this option, then you both can move forward with life.


I want my baby, I want to be a father.


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## Finchley Argon (Oct 18, 2012)

I've just read through this thread properly and it certainly does look like a case of manipulation.


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

OP - can you stop saying "she's not like that?"

See...I (and many others here) were once married. I knew her for ten years, and lived with her for 9 of those. 

That's many many many times longer than you've know this woman - keep that in mind. 

Now I said "my wife isn't like that.." when the thought that she was having an affair crossed my mind...

Turns out she was. 

So you might want to reconsider statements like "she's not like that" - when the very site youre posting to, is littered with people who once thought that way...


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Sadsam, most girls are on the pill as teenagers. It helps regulate us. Rainy.. My situation was similar. I met my boyfriend online. When his gf dumped him we started talking a lot more. We grew close. I agreed to meet him. After a year I got pregnant. He didn't want the baby. He said he wasn't ready. But online he had told me he did want children.

I was dead set against abortion. We had the baby. I didn't do it on purpose. I am not manipulative. We've grown to love each other very much. Frankly, I think he could do better.

Is it mainly just a looks issue with you? I nagged him for marriage too. He eventually proposed - but now I'M the one who doesn't want to get married and hes hounding me about it! Ironic haha!

Thing is.. It worked out for us. It might work out for you. 

The pill is 99% unless you take antibiotics or skip one.

If you want to make her happy, just propose but don't set a date. Some people can stay engaged for decades.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

kipani said:


> Sadsam, most girls are on the pill as teenagers. It helps regulate us. Rainy.. My situation was similar. I met my boyfriend online. When his gf dumped him we started talking a lot more. We grew close. I agreed to meet him. After a year I got pregnant. He didn't want the baby. He said he wasn't ready. But online he had told me he did want children.
> 
> I was dead set against abortion. We had the baby. I didn't do it on purpose. I am not manipulative. We've grown to love each other very much. Frankly, I think he could do better.
> 
> ...



It's good to hear from someone who was in a similar situation. Most posters are telling me to run a mile. That she is deceitful etc. I could see us working out because there is something there. Circumstances have sped things up obviously. 

She isn't normally the type I would go for physically, but I thunk we could be happy. Its just 99% of the advice I have received as been to dump her, so I just don't know what to do form the best. She is coming up to stay for the weekend today, so I can try and figure out a few things.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Rainyday said:


> *She isn't normally the type I would go for physically, but I thunk we could be happy. *


I thought the same thing when my ex first asked me out and then asked me to marry him. It only took 3 years before I realized being friends with someone doesn't mean you can learn to or force being in love with them. We divorced, have joint custody of our child and I have found someone I am physically attracted to, love and is my best friend. Don't settle it will end badly.

And this girl just sounds desperate which is a really unattractive trait along with the physical aspect. Seriously, move on. But I feel like you won't so I don't know why I keep saying it lol.


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Soifon said:


> I thought the same thing when my ex first asked me out and then asked me to marry him. It only took 3 years before I realized being friends with someone doesn't mean you can learn to or force being in love with them. We divorced, have joint custody of our child and I have found someone I am physically attracted to, love and is my best friend. Don't settle it will end badly.
> 
> And this girl just sounds desperate which is a really unattractive trait along with the physical aspect. Seriously, move on. But I feel like you won't so I don't know why I keep saying it lol.


I do see what you are saying, and I understand based on what you have read why you are saying it. I know how it sounds. But I don't think it's as simple as that. She is a sweet girl, I don't think she got pregnant on purpose, I saw the shock in her eyes. 

I don't want to just dismiss her over looks, there is more to a relationship than that, she isn't ugly by any means. Dosnt mean I'm going to get married to her, obviously I'm not quite ready for that, which is why I'm here, and everyone told me not to rush.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

kipani said:


> Sadsam, most girls are on the pill as teenagers. It helps regulate us.


I don't believe the word 'most' is appropriate. I am thinking the word might be 'some'. At best 'many'. I have two teenage daughters. One of them wasn't 'regular' and the doctor said that he didn't like putting 'teenagers' on the pill. This girl is 29, not a teenager. Needing the pill to be regular is less likely at this age.



> The pill is 99% unless you take antibiotics or skip one.


My wife was on the pill for 4 years while we were very sexually active. Then again for another 4 years or so off and on between kids. We never had an 'oops'! I understand that it is possible to get pregnant by mistake while on the pill. Possible, not probable.

I think there is reason to question whether this was a 'trap' or not.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Rainyday said:


> It's good to hear from someone who was in a similar situation. Most posters are telling me to run a mile. That she is deceitful etc. I could see us working out because there is something there. Circumstances have sped things up obviously.
> 
> She isn't normally the type I would go for physically, but I thunk we could be happy. Its just 99% of the advice I have received as been to dump her, so I just don't know what to do form the best. She is coming up to stay for the weekend today, so I can try and figure out a few things.


Let me make it clear, OP - I'm not in the "dump her" camp. But I am strongly in the "get to know her better before you commit" camp.

Circumstances might have sped things up, but it isn't wise for you to get swept away with them. We have to take charge of our lives, OP, not become victims of circumstance...


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't believe the word 'most' is appropriate. I am thinking the word might be 'some'. At best 'many'. I have two teenage daughters. One of them wasn't 'regular' and the doctor said that he didn't like putting 'teenagers' on the pill. This girl is 29, not a teenager. Needing the pill to be regular is less likely at this age.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Exactly. I never knew anyone who took it just to regulate their periods (not that people don't but the majority use it for contraception). And there is no reason to get pregnant while on the pill. It's common knowledge that when you take antibiotics the pill isn't effective and it is also known that if you miss one you double up the next day. If you miss more than two you need to get Plan B. If she knew she missed she should have went and got the morning after pill. She didn't either out of laziness or she was hoping to get pregnant. Neither are positive traits in a girl in my book.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Rainyday said:


> I have met someone online, I play a bit of online games in my spare time and I met a girl whilst playing. I bit of background on me, I'm 26 and I have just come out of a long term relationship in the past couple of months. I have been enjoying my new single life. I started talking to a girl I met whilst gaming, basically some mild flirting like you always get with members of the opposite sex.
> 
> We were talking for a few months when she suggested we meet up, so I thought why not? I really liked talking to her, had a good laugh, but I wasn't attracted to her. We did however continue to meet up, about once every couple of weeks, we live a few hours train journey apart. We became very close, would talk every day and try and meet up whenever we could.
> 
> ...


Okay, I'm going to skip the lecture about making sure you were safe from someone that will get pregnant just to trap you into a permanent relationship, okay?  Because it's obviously too late for that now, isn't it? 

I agree with everyone else. Do not hitch yourself to this wagon just yet. Be there for your child, cautiously continue with the relationship, and that's it for now. You'll be sorry and regret anything further at this time.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Not all of us are telling you to dump her. You're a nice guy who wants to the right thing. So focus on the baby, start making plans, financial, etc. and don't get married. If she tries to push marriage on you, tell her you are not ready to get married to anyone right now.

If she is sweet as you say, she will understand & not push or nag you.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Here you go Soifon

New Guttmacher birth control study: Women use contraception for financial and life stability. 



> 41 percent of women reported using birth control for reasons unrelated to sex, like regulating periods or dealing with skin problems.


I will revise my most to many. 

I'm sweet but I did push and nag about marriage. And when you're pregnant.. You're not the real you. He'll see the '*****' and not 'her'. I was a psycho when I was pregnant. BOTH times!


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## Rainyday (Sep 26, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Not all of us are telling you to dump her. You're a nice guy who wants to the right thing. So focus on the baby, start making plans, financial, etc. and don't get married. If she tries to push marriage on you, tell her you are not ready to get married to anyone right now.
> 
> If she is sweet as you say, she will understand & not push or nag you.


I get that, and I am making plans, already started putting some money away for the baby, she is coming up to stay for a few days today, so I will see how her and I get on. She is a Nice girl, I'm looking forward to seeing her. I just want to make the right decision.


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## Finchley Argon (Oct 18, 2012)

You've been had mate. What is most worrying is that you don't seem to understand that.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Rainyday,
I hope your weekend goes well. I hope you find some time to get to know each other better, because that what it will take to make a decision on whether or not to get married.

Because you are having a child together, you will always have a bond \ relationship of some kind or another with this girl. As the father to the child that is both of yours. Explain that to her. 

Whether or not you have a romantic relationship that includes marriage is a separate issue. And that takes effort and committment. 

If she knows you are not running away and leaving her with a baby, she might be more patient about waiting to get married. 

Besides... it's "cool" these days for kids to have hyphenated last names (jk)


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