# Fingering



## dlily (Mar 23, 2010)

I feel embarrassed to be writing this but I am at the end of my rope. My husband won't (or can't) talk to me and I need some sort of connection or communication with someone. I feel very alone and confused right now.

Our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs. I have always been the steady and safe one. My husband on the other hand has dabbled in the following throughout our 10 years of marriage...porn (excessively), alcohol, pot (a few times), and a one night stand. He seems to feel that I am not like other women and makes me feel weird and abnormal. Not to sound high on myself, but I know that I am attractive, smart and a catch. I wish that he would tell me those things more. 

Anyway...tonight an issue arose. He decided that he wanted to go down on me and finger me. I didn't mind his mouth on me but he has no timing or clue when it comes to fingering me. He just does the in and out motion and expects it will feel good. I have learned not to say anything because when I do he gets angry, shuts down and punishes me. Sometimes, however, like tonight it hurts me and I physically grimace. Tonight was one of those nights. Sitting here typing now I am feeling vaginal pain from it. I tried to tell him that if he could work more around the entrance it would feel better. He gets so frustrated and angry though. Long story short he refused to talk to me about it and tells me that I am a bad teacher and that I am not normal. The reason he feels that I am not normal is that I have no stimulation in my nipples, find my clit to be almost extreme in stimulation and don't enjoy the way he fingers me. I have been going out of my way to make his sexual experiences better in finding all of his erogenous zones, make up sex games, give him oral at least 4-6 times a week and listen to what he wants. I feel that half the problem lies in the student not wanting to learn. Am I wrong in this???? Any suggestions or comments?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

First up, don't feel alone. I've discovered in just a short while that there are people out there going through just the same kind of stuff & that alone helps. Their advice is a bonus. Second don't ever let anyone tell you you're not normal. Not a good place to be, thinking that. Besides, what is normal?!

Sounds to me (and what do I know) that maybe it's not so much the student not wanting to learn as a bit of arrogance on his part assuming he's been doing it right all these years and maybe you haven't been clear enough all those times about how occasionally painful it can be. Frankly if you're typing & you can still feel it - and not in a nice way - I'd be more than frustrated, I'd be slightly worried that some time he's going to really hurt you. I don't mean on purpose, but hurt you nonetheless. 
How good is the humour/chit chat in your relationship? If you've been going out of your way to broaden his sexual experiences within your relationship, why not make some kind of game up ... ok I'm going to try this, why don't you score me, then I'll show you something to do to me & I'll score you... kind of thing 
or even get him to show you how he likes to rub himself then you show him how you'd finger yourself? With some kind of 'reward' for success? 
Given your mention of making you feel weird & abnormal I'm not holding my breath, but it's what occurred to me for a start. 

On second thought, could you describe more about what he says when you try to suggest ways of moving his fingers/whatever differently? You say frustrated and angry - what does he say? Is it his idea that your clit is highly sensitive or yours? Have you pointed out that with gentle outer stimulation you might get your clit & nipples interested in a way you both like?


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## Brettscout (Jan 19, 2010)

Have you ever grabbed his hands and guided him through the process of what you like? Have you ever just told him to sit back and watch? My wife use to/and can/ give the most painful hand jobs...sometimes I have to show her/remind her how to do it by grabbing her hand and running her through the motions (a little theatrical extacsy exhibited by me reinforces what feel good and what doesnt).


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

I agree with the above. Don't let him make you feel abnormal. My guess is the excessive porn may be giving him unreal expectations and bad technique. 

How to fix it is tougher, In the heat of the moment tell him what you do like, or ask for what you like (in a sensual if you can)


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## dlily (Mar 23, 2010)

Here's my problem. My husband was the first and only person I have ever had sex with. Because I wasn't experienced to begin with, I have never known what I like and what I don't. I think from the years of feeling not good enough due to porn I not only don't trust him fully but feel self conscious sexually. I really put myself out there in the past year and made every effort to be 'taught' and learn about him but I feel that he isn't willing to do the same for me. It seems like going down and jerking off to porn is so much easier for men than investing the time in their partners to explore, understand and grow with them. Even if that was not the case, why would he not want to invest the time and love into our marriage to make our sexual life that much more fun and exciting? I feel very lonely and cheated out of the relationship and sexual experiences that I believe I (and every person) deserves.


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