# I have observed for last 5 years, she continues to flirt



## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

We have been married for 10 years. We were in love for 8 months prior to marriage. Total 11 years. We have a kid. Due to her health issues we had been living in different cities and i would travel once a month to see her and later kid. She would always be busy with her family and kid and i understand but she once didnt take my cal from 6pm to 10pm. At 10pm when she did, she said she called her students over and didnt know it was already 10pm. All three of them grownup men 22+ years. This was in my absence. I didnt confront her or question her but told her that it can be avoided and doesnt look good. One of the guys who came that day is emotionally very close to her, she would talk to him for more than an hour in jubiliation and if i ask she says its her student. I told her i dont like it and later came to know that he was the one whose support she took in dealing with another student who proposed to my wife. She dint take my support and she blamed me for it. I apologized if i had said anything that hurt her but told her that it is not good that she continues to talk to him. She agreed to not talk. This incident happened 5 years back. 

Few months back she was again on phone suddenly leaving game night with our and her friend's family and simply wouldnt return or even respond even after i called her multiple times. Finally when i walked up to her, she said its the ssme guy 5 years back we agreed she wont talk. The body language and jubiliation are intact. Most probably she has been in touch. No way to know as she deletes her conversations.
Next day i confronted her and asked if she had been in touch and if they exchange messages, she not just denied it, she accused me of calling her a "b*tch" and got frentic and threw everything apart and thrratened suicide. I literally had to hold her down. I felt bad that she is still in touch with the same man she brought home 5 years back, we had a fight, and she agreed not to talk but still is. I stead of apologizing or at least assuring me that she wont, she just reacted as if i had said something nobody should ever say to a women. I swallowed my hurt and took care of her. She was alright and fine and we never talked about it. I saw her phone after months by chance. I decided i wont do that either.

There is a guy, her collegemate who proposed to her while in college. Thats ok. But again about 5 years back after we have a kid and he has 2 kids, he expressed his regret for not marrying my wife to one of his friends. That friend told my wife and she shared it with me. I politely told her to avoid the guy who proposed. She said she asked him and he said sorry. 

A week back she was no where to be seen in the house and finally found her on terrace talking to someone. On asking who it is, he told the name of the same guy's wife. On asking a followup question, it was clear she was lieing to me. My wife is a glib lier and lies day in and day out but white lies i thought. Never once i thought she would lie to me. But she did.

Today morning i accidentally saw her phone and found that she has a ice-cream meetup with one guy or a group, her students. The guy has DP holding a 3 year old boy. Her students are grownup men, sometimes married but she uses "dear" to everybody, lots of emojis and talks like she absolutely adores them, to all grownup men. I told her that as a teacher she can talk respectfully and no need to show so much affection to grownup men. But she defends it saying her teacher used to address her as dear in school and thats why she is doing it. In school she was a kid, these men are not kids. One of them proposed to her, yet she contiues.

I blindly beleived my wife to be way innocent and honest as she has been telling me all this. I thought, if she wants to cheat, she doesnt have to tell. But last few weeks its clear that she has been continuing to flirt and even planned ice-cream meet and was so apologetic and effectionate to tell the other guy for not being able to come and will plan again. It is now clear that she has not been telling me everything and now i dont know what is what. I still cant say she is physically involved but she chose to delete conversation daily but not change her behaviour. I see no point in talking to her about this because am certain she will only justify it as normal and nothing and might even go frenzy and throw things apart as if i said something wrong.

Once in a while she feels sad that whoever thinks a lot about her(me) they get separated from her. I used to tell her why would i go anywhere. Now i dont know. 

Someone please tell me what is happening.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

vensun4319 said:


> We have been married for 10 years. We were in love for 8 months prior to marriage. Total 11 years. We have a kid. Due to her health issues we had been living in different cities and i would travel once a month to see her and later kid. She would always be busy with her family and kid and i understand but she once didnt take my cal from 6pm to 10pm. At 10pm when she did, she said she called her students over and didnt know it was already 10pm. All three of them grownup men 22+ years. This was in my absence. I didnt confront her or question her but told her that it can be avoided and doesnt look good. One of the guys who came that day is emotionally very close to her, she would talk to him for more than an hour in jubiliation and if i ask she says its her student. I told her i dont like it and later came to know that he was the one whose support she took in dealing with another student who proposed to my wife. She dint take my support and she blamed me for it. I apologized if i had said anything that hurt her but told her that it is not good that she continues to talk to him. She agreed to not talk. This incident happened 5 years back.
> 
> Few months back she was again on phone suddenly leaving game night with our and her friend's family and simply wouldnt return or even respond even after i called her multiple times. Finally when i walked up to her, she said its the ssme guy 5 years back we agreed she wont talk. The body language and jubiliation are intact. Most probably she has been in touch. No way to know as she deletes her conversations.
> Next day i confronted her and asked if she had been in touch and if they exchange messages, she not just denied it, she accused me of calling her a "b*tch" and got frentic and threw everything apart and thrratened suicide. I literally had to hold her down. I felt bad that she is still in touch with the same man she brought home 5 years back, we had a fight, and she agreed not to talk but still is. I stead of apologizing or at least assuring me that she wont, she just reacted as if i had said something nobody should ever say to a women. I swallowed my hurt and took care of her. She was alright and fine and we never talked about it. I saw her phone after months by chance. I decided i wont do that either.
> ...


Forget the innocence part. Insert gaslighting. 

I hope you find out more info sooner rather than later and view objectively.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

I never probed. I let her be. In the 10 years we were apart, i have consciously isolated myself from my friends in the city i worked so that i should not develop comfort zone and be happy with my life in the absence of my wife and kid and so that i can work hard to change career. Finally after building the finaces and i took sabbatical i realized she has ample sources of emotional support and attachment while am the one who is lonely.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

vensun4319 said:


> We have been married for 10 years. We were in love for 8 months prior to marriage. Total 11 years. We have a kid. Due to her health issues we had been living in different cities and i would travel once a month to see her and later kid. She would always be busy with her family and kid and i understand but she once didnt take my cal from 6pm to 10pm. At 10pm when she did, she said she called her students over and didnt know it was already 10pm. All three of them grownup men 22+ years. This was in my absence. I didnt confront her or question her but told her that it can be avoided and doesnt look good. One of the guys who came that day is emotionally very close to her, she would talk to him for more than an hour in jubiliation and if i ask she says its her student. I told her i dont like it and later came to know that he was the one whose support she took in dealing with another student who proposed to my wife. She dint take my support and she blamed me for it. I apologized if i had said anything that hurt her but told her that it is not good that she continues to talk to him. She agreed to not talk. This incident happened 5 years back.
> 
> Few months back she was again on phone suddenly leaving game night with our and her friend's family and simply wouldnt return or even respond even after i called her multiple times. Finally when i walked up to her, she said its the ssme guy 5 years back we agreed she wont talk. The body language and jubiliation are intact. Most probably she has been in touch. No way to know as she deletes her conversations.
> Next day i confronted her and asked if she had been in touch and if they exchange messages, she not just denied it, she accused me of calling her a "b*tch" and got frentic and threw everything apart and thrratened suicide. I literally had to hold her down. I felt bad that she is still in touch with the same man she brought home 5 years back, we had a fight, and she agreed not to talk but still is. I stead of apologizing or at least assuring me that she wont, she just reacted as if i had said something nobody should ever say to a women. I swallowed my hurt and took care of her. She was alright and fine and we never talked about it. I saw her phone after months by chance. I decided i wont do that either.
> ...





vensun4319 said:


> Someone please tell me what is happening


What is happening is that your wife is almost definitely having affairs (emotional and/or physical), and if not, she is ripe for the picking.

You know this. You have known this for years but chose to stick your head in the sand and ignore the red flags. 

What sort of medical condition causes someone to live apart from their spouse and father of their child for a decade?


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

The medical condition part is genuine. I was the one who took her around hospitals. She was allergetic to weather of the city i worked in. 

What is bothering me is why she is continuing these flirtations, hiding them, lieing to me, but doesnt want to lose me at all.

What are my options. I feel i will only feel more pathetic if i confront her because she will not just justify her actions but also will make feel like crap and blame me. 

If i emotionally disconnect with her and live in same house, its like a living in a dead house without emotions. How long can i live like that?

I dont think i want separation but cant continue like this either.

If i turn a blind eye and never see her mobile, everything will be good. I will never feel she is emotionally involved with someone else. Or may be the refusal of intimacy and not giving me time were are all symptoms i ignored. I dont know anymore


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Please tell me what am supposed to do now. Pretend everything is fine and go on? Confront her? See a counseller?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

At the very least confront her, let her know your expectations with fidelity, and the consequences for her infidelity (separation), she can make the choice whether to start respecting your boundaries or not.

You can keep putting your head in the sand but it will never stop if you do. Meanwhile your wife is having an affair that you are fully endorsing with your inaction.

Up to you what to do. Personally I would separate without any option of reconciliation but that's just me.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> At the very least confront her, let her know your expectations with fidelity, and the consequences for her infidelity (separation), she can make the choice whether to start respecting your boundaries or not.
> 
> You can keep putting your head in the sand but it will never stop if you do. Meanwhile your wife is having an affair that you are fully endorsing with your inaction.
> 
> Up to you what to do. Personally I would separate without any option of reconciliation but that's just me.


Thanks for giving your thoughts. Am just scared how she will react. Am scared even to ask her why she is in touch with those guys we already discussed to avoid. I know what she will say "just talking once in 6 months is no harm". 

I got your point. Am just speaking loud. Thank you


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The 10 year separation was where you went wrong. You should have done more faster to move to be together again. While you became a hermit & lived an austere life, she built a life. 

She does have boundary issues & you know she lied to you. She told you she stopped interacting with the one man but it turns out she is still in touch with him. The lying is bad. 

You probably can stop her from having friends, even male ones, or calling her students "dear" so what do you want? What would be acceptable to you? Tell her what you need. If she won't meet you half way you need to consider divorce because she has emotionally checked out of the marriage.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Thanks a lot for these inputs. Thanks for making me think about what i want, and the boundary issues. This helps me makeup my mind. Really grateful to everyone for the inputs.

Only one point though, she is dependent on me emotionally and financially. I treat her like a princes. I supported her in her career and everything and anything.

You are abaolutely right that she built a life while i suffered inexplicable loneliness. I always felt that she never empathized with my loneliness even when i brought it up. All she would say in a well-meaning way is "i wish you had an affair so that you wouldnt suffer like this". But then she would be jealous even if there is 1 girl in a team of 6 along with me for an adhoc presentation. She wont express much but crystal clear in few words "oh, there is a girl in team".

I thought she saying "i wish you had an affair" speaks for her pure heart and bottomless love for me and made me feel even more deep in her love.

I feel the same even, now but after seeing that she is still in touch and such jubiliation speaking to that same guy, am feeling it would be better to hear a 3rd person perspective on how i processed all of it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well if you're scare, that's that.
So let me ask you, scare of what? That she will leave you and leave you alone?
Well you have been alone for over a decade? What's to be afraid of? You're a grown man, I can't understand your fears, and rugsweeping your boundaries in order to appease her. That sounds like beta behavior to me.

As a man you need to understand your boundaries. If you let yours be pushed aside, then those are either not a boundary or you just don't have enough self respect or you just lack character. 

She can do whatever she wants because she knows that there are not repercussions. You just beach and moan, but in the end you just let slide, again and again. Time to get your balls from wherever you left them and give an ultimatum: other man or you? Which If it were me wouldn't even do that. I would serve her with divorce papers. Actions speak louder than words.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> The 10 year separation was where you went wrong. You should have done more faster to move to be together again. While you became a hermit & lived an austere life, she built a life.
> 
> She does have boundary issues & you know she lied to you. She told you she stopped interacting with the one man but it turns out she is still in touch with him. The lying is bad.
> 
> You probably can stop her from having friends, even male ones, or calling her students "dear" so what do you want? What would be acceptable to you? Tell her what you need. If she won't meet you half way you need to consider divorce because she has emotionally checked out of the marriage.


The 10 years i worked like mad. I built financial muscle to leave job and change career. I wrote GMAT and got 740/800, GRE 330/340. I was looming to study in universities which dont have coastal weather she is allergic too. All did in these 10 years was to reunite with her.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ugh. You shouldn’t have to fear your wife. I would gain some legal advice and how an attorney would suggest you deal with it, that way if she starts acting erratically when you discuss all this with her, you’ll know how to deal with it. Sounds like your marriage is incredibly one-sided, you’re being used by your wife and she’s either having affairs or is considering it.

She’s jealous of other women being around you because she doesn’t have any boundaries and thinks you might not, too. Projection, in other words.

I would start with legal advice first and go from there. You’ll at least have a safety net in your mind. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of issues that she needs help with but unfortunately, many people don’t get help, they instead escape into affairs. You can pretend like this doesn’t bother you or stand up for yourself. I hope you choose the latter.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I am not saying you were apart from her to slack off. I assumed it was that you sacrificed to better yourself & your family but 10 years is a long time. She built a life without you. This is the result.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Well if you're scare, that's that.
> So let me ask you, scare of what? That she will leave you and leave you alone?
> Well you have been alone for over a decade? What's to be afraid of? You're a grown man, I can't understand your fears, and rugsweeping your boundaries in order to appease her. That sounds like beta behavior to me.
> 
> ...


Am not scared that she will leave me. I would be happier if she is open about her choice. Am scared she will become frenetic, throw things, lock herself up in a room and threaten suicide. Thats what am scared of. If i talk about separation she will lose it and become frenetic. If i talk about why she is continuing to talk with them, she will become frenetic and throw things and go out of control. All this before our kid. Am scared how this will effect the kid. Am not scared of being lonely, have been lonely all my life, not just 10 years. Mom died when i was 7, dear dad put me in boarding school. Lived in boarding schools and colleges till i grew up. Separation after marriage. Never been with family.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> I am not saying you were apart from her to slack off. I assumed it was that you sacrificed to better yourself & your family but 10 years is a long time. She built a life without you. This is the result.


I totally agree with what you said. I was just explaining that it took me 10 years to relocate to ensure my family doesnt suffer any financial issues.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Send your kid to the friend's for a sleep over & then sit down with your wife. 

Instead of attacking her behavior or demanding changes, make a nice dinner & talk to her about your desire to become closer again. Ask how she sees something like that playing out. Ask what she needs & wants. Talk to her about hurt her actions make you feel. Ask lots of questions. Don't make too many statements & see if that advances a better reconciliation.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Ugh. You shouldn’t have to fear your wife. I would gain some legal advice and how an attorney would suggest you deal with it, that way if she starts acting erratically when you discuss all this with her, you’ll know how to deal with it. Sounds like your marriage is incredibly one-sided, you’re being used by your wife and she’s either having affairs or is considering it.
> 
> She’s jealous of other women being around you because she doesn’t have any boundaries and thinks you might not, too. Projection, in other words.
> 
> I would start with legal advice first and go from there. You’ll at least have a safety net in your mind. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of issues that she needs help with but unfortunately, many people don’t get help, they instead escape into affairs. You can pretend like this doesn’t bother you or stand up for yourself. I hope you choose the latter.


Thanks a lot. It is now clear from inputs of all of you that business as usual isnt going to work. Thank you


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

vensun4319 said:


> Am not scared that she will leave me. I would be happier if she is open about her choice. Am scared she will become frenetic, throw things, lock herself up in a room and threaten suicide. Thats what am scared of. If i talk about separation she will lose it and become frenetic. If i talk about why she is continuing to talk with them, she will become frenetic and throw things and go out of control. All this before our kid. Am scared how this will effect the kid. Am not scared of being lonely, have been lonely all my life, not just 10 years. Mom died when i was 7, dear dad put me in boarding school. Lived in boarding schools and colleges till i grew up. Separation after marriage. Never been with family.


I would ask a trusted friend or family member to be there with you or in the next room while you discuss this with her. If she acts out, you’ll at least have a witness in case she wants to come up with a different version of events, and/or for your own safety.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Send your kid to the friend's for a sleep over & then sit down with your wife.
> 
> Instead of attacking her behavior or demanding changes, make a nice dinner & talk to her about your desire to become closer again. Ask how she sees something like that playing out. Ask what she needs & wants. Talk to her about hurt her actions make you feel. Ask lots of questions. Don't make too many statements & see if that advances a better reconciliation.


This sounds like a fantastic advice. Thanks a lot. I feel she will agree to what i ask but not like she understands what am asking is reasonable. She will sound like am asking unreasonable but she will still do it, like she is sacrificing. And i hate that behaviour. 

But still, this is a great piece of advice. It makes to my list of cards. Thank you


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## pk1at (7 mo ago)

vensun4319 said:


> Am not scared that she will leave me. I would be happier if she is open about her choice. Am scared she will become frenetic, throw things, lock herself up in a room and threaten suicide. Thats what am scared of. If i talk about separation she will lose it and become frenetic. If i talk about why she is continuing to talk with them, she will become frenetic and throw things and go out of control. All this before our kid. Am scared how this will effect the kid. Am not scared of being lonely, have been lonely all my life, not just 10 years. Mom died when i was 7, dear dad put me in boarding school. Lived in boarding schools and colleges till i grew up. Separation after marriage. Never been with family.


You have drifted apart too much, she is clearly better placed with all her men-students, you are alone and have no one. Just begin the separation process and start looking after yourself


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Accepting the unacceptable gets you what?
answer: More


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I would ask a trusted friend or family member to be there with you or in the next room while you discuss this with her. If she acts out, you’ll at least have a witness in case she wants to come up with a different version of events, and/or for your own safety.


False domestic violence claims happen here regularly. You’ve been warned.
One guy here didn’t listen. He ended up handcuffed and taken to jail.
An ounce of prevention goes a long way.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I would ask a trusted friend or family member to be there with you or in the next room while you discuss this with her. If she acts out, you’ll at least have a witness in case she wants to come up with a different version of events, and/or for your own safety.


Thanks a lot, sounds good.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

vensun4319 said:


> Thanks a lot, sounds good.


I know that the advice on here may seem overwhelming lol But, everyone for the most part, means well. ☺


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

vensun4319 said:


> What is bothering me is why she is continuing these flirtations, hiding them, lieing to me, but doesnt want to lose me at all.





vensun4319 said:


> Only one point though, she is dependent on me emotionally and financially. I treat her like a princes. I supported her in her career and everything and anything.


Most of the things you're questioning, you've answered yourself. What you wrote above is a good example. 

She's abusing you, emotionally, financially, psychologically. It's hard for you to see because you don't think the way she does, and you actually care for her. 

But if YOU did the things to her as she is doing to you, would you say she would be right to divorce you? Of course you would.

Reverse the scenario and tell yourself what advice you would give. I think you're seeing things through a loving, naive filter, but you know the truth; she's an abuser. It just hurts a lot to consider it.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Forget the innocence part. Insert gaslighting.
> 
> I hope you find out more info sooner rather than later and view objectively.


Yesterday night i had the chance to see her mobile. She wrote nothing nasty but absolutely emotionally connected at a deeper level. That guy was texting her literally everyday. 

In one conversation she was upset that he had cut the call abruptly. She wrote she doesnt like that behaviour and he went crazy apologizing like a lover and literally begging her to take his call. 20 messages straight back to back. I dont see her reply to it. Next message is where they both talk normal. May be she picked the call and sorted it out. Clearly no student-teacher relation. 

Am not saying it went beyond what is there in chat but i was right about deeper emotional connect.

To be honest, that guy was relentlessly after my wife. She wasnt after him for sure but it is clear as daylight that he was neck deep into her and she knew it but didnt backout or warn him. Her replies are normal which is ok, but she mustve stopped talking when she knew he was behaving like madly in love. But when she talks to him, her body language and tone is completely different. So, this much is confirmed, she knew that that guy was madly after her and she chose to pretend she doesnt see it and of course continued to talk. A lot of chat is like he saying "i wana talk to you" and she is like "i will call later" or tomorrow. Sometimes straight calls may be. 

But from the time i confronted her 5 months back when she went berserk on me, i dont see any messages between them. 

There were a few messages where he says "mam, you forgot me". 

There is this other guy, a young collegue to whom she is sending lots of smilies and trying to connect at an emotional level but that guy has been keeping a firm boundary. He didnt send a single emoji/smiley though my wife did.
In this case, that guy seems like a good chap. She is the one pushing the boundary.

Other than these two, i didnt find anything much. May be deleted chats. Whatever i saw is whats left after all this.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You are posting here for a reason, you've been dissatisfied with the way your wife is emotionally and/or inappropriately have been behaving toward other men in her professional setting, but it seems that you just want to keep justifying things in order to not take a decisive action towards getting to an end one way or another of the situation. 

You have kept her blackmailing behavior towards you as the main excuse to do nothing, other than meekly and cheeky telling and asking her to stop, with the obvious threats of self harm coming from her to appease you. You want to know why she makes those threats? Because she knows that's the way to keep you put. She has you figured out. It is you who hasn't figured yourself out where and how you stand in this relationship. She's confy in that knowledge. 

If you continue in this very same path, then she got it made, while you will continue to mulling to yourself the perceived grievances with no end result in sight. You've been given plenty of advice as to what and how to do it. Use that advice and JUST DO IT.

Stop with the explanations, justifications for those fears and act. Do something.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> You are posting here for a reason, you've been dissatisfied with the way your wife is emotionally and/or inappropriately have been behaving toward other men in her professional setting, but it seems that you just want to keep justifying things in order to not take a decisive action towards getting to an end one way or another of the situation.
> 
> You have kept her blackmailing behavior towards you as the main excuse to do nothing, other than meekly and cheeky telling and asking her to stop, with the obvious threats of self harm coming from her to appease you. You want to know why she makes those threats? Because she knows that's the way to keep you put. She has you figured out. It is you who hasn't figured yourself out where and how you stand in this relationship. She's confy in that knowledge.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Makes a lot of sense. High time we talk about this and she sets boundaries.


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## gguillermo (7 mo ago)

vensun4319 said:


> Am not scared that she will leave me. I would be happier if she is open about her choice. Am scared she will become frenetic, throw things, lock herself up in a room and threaten suicide. Thats what am scared of. If i talk about separation she will lose it and become frenetic. If i talk about why she is continuing to talk with them, she will become frenetic and throw things and go out of control. All this before our kid. Am scared how this will effect the kid. Am not scared of being lonely, have been lonely all my life, not just 10 years. Mom died when i was 7, dear dad put me in boarding school. Lived in boarding schools and colleges till i grew up. Separation after marriage. Never been with family.


She is being manipulative by threatening self harm and having fits. You are letting this control you. She is also projecting by being jealous of your female coworker while she’s flirty with her students. You have ceded control of your marriage to her. You are in one way or another a cuckold.

Your isolation was/is of your own doing and not your wife’s. You have lived this way in deference to your wife. Nevertheless, it was your choice. You get what you accept. Get some counseling to learn how to stand up for yourself and regain your worth in your own eyes.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

vensun4319 said:


> I never probed. I let her be. In the 10 years we were apart, i have consciously isolated myself from my friends in the city i worked so that i should not develop comfort zone and be happy with my life in the absence of my wife and kid and so that i can work hard to change career. Finally after building the finaces and i took sabbatical i realized she has ample sources of emotional support and attachment while am the one who is lonely.


so you are claiming to be married to a woman you’ve been apart from for 10!yrs. dude.
That’s crazy


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> so you are claiming to be married to a woman you’ve been apart from for 10!yrs. dude.
> That’s crazy


She proposed to me. I loved her. All i ever thought was her happiness. She loved me too, a lot. Though separated, we were happy. But issues started after kid was born as she almost stopped giving me time. Also, she started working and would tell me that she has a collegue who looks like me and talking to him makes her feel like talking to me. I dint know how to react. Am i supposed to feel good? I didnt say anything back then or later. All my married life i worked to provide for my family, single-mindedly. I coached her for her studies. Helped her build her career. Bought her a car. I did everything and anything for her.

But today when i asked her politely about the guy she planned to meet for ice-cream, she said its a women and not man and i totally beleive her. But i explained her why i felt bad, because she uses dear to everyone. She went hyper and broughtup what i said about that student-man she was emotionally involved. 

I didnt abuse her, didnt call her names, didnt say she cheated on me. Back then(5 months back), i only told her that she might have taken emotional support in my absence and I understand but i didnt like it. I aslo asked in the conversation, a bit harshly if they had been texting regularly and talking. Thats it, she brought down the roof back then and almost did it today also.

I apologized for evrything, took responsibility for everything and put an end to it.

Today she told me that 5 months back she decided to look for emotional support from anybody else as i am "useless".
I ruined my life for her and our kid, suffered in loneliness, i dont get the love any dad would get from his daughter(as i was not present all these years), i had been totally committed, i have put her ahead in everything. I gifted her a beautiful villa. I bought her a car better than mine. I always encouraged her to meet friends and be happy. The only reason for my existence was to care and provide for my family.

And am "useless".

That worthless student continuously flirting with my wife is her source of support. 

Am not even supposed to ask if i feel bad.

It is not 10 years of separstion, 11. Yes, i was totally in love with her. Still am, but today i realized, thanks to her reaction and all inputs from this group, that she has to earn my love. I shouldnt and need not make everthing all about her and her happiness. She cares about me for sure. But i never ask her anything. I expect nothing. Of course she does the cooking, but i cook too. She runs errands at home and i go for supplies and all. May be i dont share equal work but i do share. And i do take lions share of her intellectual work. Whatever degree and research she has, its 70% my work. I didnt sleep for days to finish her work so that she can progress in her career, because i know how much it means to her. I paused my career change plans for a month and gave precedence to her work.

Yet, i am "useless".

Today, i lost it.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

i did so much for her, i wont blame you if you feel am making things up. But am not. I always felt that the sacrifice i had been making is not valued enough by her. Its always about her struggle, her pain, her suffering, her issues. I have a job 20 times more stressful than her. People with a weak heart wont last a month in my shoes. I endured, grew as a person, developed patience, and it reflects in my personal life too.

Am not saying am a saint. There were times when i used to get angry when she doesnt call when she says she will and keeps me waiting. My only source of emtional support was and has been my wife. Only i know how much i suffered being alone all these years. Anybody else would breakup and remarry. 10 years of separation that starts 6 months after marriage is too big an issue to let a marriage last these many years. It did because loved her, and she loved me too.

But now i feel am taken for granted. I dont drink, or smoke or spend a penny unnecessarily while spend for anything and everything my wife or kid needs. 

Nothing, absolutely nothing made any difference to her when she said am "useless".

Enough. Let her find her emotional support from whomever she wants. If he needs anything from me, she has to ask and earn it. Am not free. She doesnt own me that i do everything for her and then get called "useless".


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

vensun4319 said:


> She proposed to me. I loved her. All i ever thought was her happiness. She loved me too, a lot. Though separated, we were happy. But issues started after kid was born as she almost stopped giving me time. Also, she started working and would tell me that she has a collegue who looks like me and talking to him makes her feel like talking to me. I dint know how to react. Am i supposed to feel good? I didnt say anything back then or later. All my married life i worked to provide for my family, single-mindedly. I coached her for her studies. Helped her build her career. Bought her a car. I did everything and anything for her.
> 
> But today when i asked her politely about the guy she planned to meet for ice-cream, she said its a women and not man and i totally beleive her. But i explained her why i felt bad, because she uses dear to everyone. She went hyper and broughtup what i said about that student-man she was emotionally involved.
> 
> ...


read what you write. It doesn’t take a phd to see what’s going on with you. You need to get to a therapist and find out why you’re willing to be a martyr for someone. Why you like to be abused. Why you are so naive and delusional.

you are not thinking clearly. She’s been using you for money and cheating for years.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

vensun4319 said:


> i did so much for her, i wont blame you if you feel am making things up. But am not. I always felt that the sacrifice i had been making is not valued enough by her. Its always about her struggle, her pain, her suffering, her issues. I have a job 20 times more stressful than her. People with a weak heart wont last a month in my shoes. I endured, grew as a person, developed patience, and it reflects in my personal life too.
> 
> Am not saying am a saint. There were times when i used to get angry when she doesnt call when she says she will and keeps me waiting. My only source of emtional support was and has been my wife. Only i know how much i suffered being alone all these years. Anybody else would breakup and remarry. 10 years of separation that starts 6 months after marriage is too big an issue to let a marriage last these many years. It did because loved her, and she loved me too.
> 
> ...


Dude, just divorce her and move on. Separating for 10 years after being married 6 months…… whatever is that other than a divorce? You are useless to her for anything except money. Can’t you see that?


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> read what you write. It doesn’t take a phd to see what’s going on with you. You need to get to a therapist and find out why you’re willing to be a martyr for someone. Why you like to be abused. Why you are so naive and delusional.
> 
> you are not thinking clearly. She’s been using you for money and cheating for years.


Honestly, i cant say she has been cheating me for years. Emotionally connected to others, yes.

I went to a thearapist. He refused to say anything with certainty. He asked me to fill a form and bring my wife. I have zero interest in going for counsellung with her because she will justify and i cant bear it.

Also, today i mentioned going to counseller, she questioned me the purpose of it. 

I asked the counseller to tell me what is happening. He didnt, thats why i found this group and posted and you guys gave me a lot more inputs than that therapist did after paying a lot of money. All he seemed to be interested in was more money, more time and he clearly indicated reconciliation.

He was asking me to focus on my wife's well-bring, like i did anything else all my married life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s been cheating for years. Why do you think these guys keep coming up that are from years ago? You think she’s that fun to talk to?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

vensun4319 said:


> Thanks for giving your thoughts. Am just scared how she will react. Am scared even to ask her why she is in touch with those guys we already discussed to avoid. I know what she will say "just talking once in 6 months is no harm".
> 
> I got your point. Am just speaking loud. Thank you


There is harm in her contacting them even every 6 months -- she promised YOU that she WOULD NOT do it. So, she is lying and breaking your trust. This is YOUR boundary and she doesn't care.
You should try to get a few voice activated recorders and leave them where you know she is talking to these folks so that you don't hear. I BET you will be very surprised at what she is doing, and NO, it's not good.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I can’t wait to hear about the health reason you’ve been separated for 11 years., That’s crazy. Accepting her having dates with other men. Crazier than that. Do you live with her now? You’ve supported her for 11 years and seen her once a month all that time?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

vensun4319 said:


> i cant say she has been cheating me for years. Emotionally connected to others, yes.


She IS cheating -- this is called an emotional affair -- that IS cheating. She is connecting and talking and sharing with other men that she SHOULD be doing with you.
You said it yourself. She is looking for a real relationship outside your marriage. You are just there to be a money provider and to provide the life she feels she is entitled to -- while SHE gets to act like she is single.
Let her be single and divorce her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

vensun4319 said:


> Honestly, i cant say she has been cheating me for years. Emotionally connected to others, yes.
> 
> I went to a thearapist. He refused to say anything with certainty. He asked me to fill a form and bring my wife. I have zero interest in going for counsellung with her because she will justify and i cant bear it.
> 
> ...


Get rid of your therapist.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

vensun4319 said:


> She proposed to me. I loved her. All i ever thought was her happiness. She loved me too, a lot. Though separated, we were happy. But issues started after kid was born as she almost stopped giving me time. Also, she started working and would tell me that she has a collegue who looks like me and talking to him makes her feel like talking to me. I dint know how to react. Am i supposed to feel good? I didnt say anything back then or later. All my married life i worked to provide for my family, single-mindedly. I coached her for her studies. Helped her build her career. Bought her a car. I did everything and anything for her.
> 
> But today when i asked her politely about the guy she planned to meet for ice-cream, she said its a women and not man and i totally beleive her. But i explained her why i felt bad, because she uses dear to everyone. She went hyper and broughtup what i said about that student-man she was emotionally involved.
> 
> ...


Bud, wake-up. This is blame shifting. Very common.
*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.
She is playing you like a violin.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

vensun4319 said:


> i did so much for her, i wont blame you if you feel am making things up. But am not. I always felt that the sacrifice i had been making is not valued enough by her. Its always about her struggle, her pain, her suffering, her issues. I have a job 20 times more stressful than her. People with a weak heart wont last a month in my shoes. I endured, grew as a person, developed patience, and it reflects in my personal life too.
> 
> Am not saying am a saint. There were times when i used to get angry when she doesnt call when she says she will and keeps me waiting. My only source of emtional support was and has been my wife. Only i know how much i suffered being alone all these years. Anybody else would breakup and remarry. 10 years of separation that starts 6 months after marriage is too big an issue to let a marriage last these many years. It did because loved her, and she loved me too.
> 
> ...


Sometimes when you do too much you get taken for granted.
Download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. It’s helped many. You need it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You don’t have a real marriage anyway so you won’t lose much.
Life is short. 
Her temper tantrums are to keep you in line. So far it’s worked.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I can’t wait to hear about the health reason you’ve been separated for 11 years., That’s crazy. Accepting her having dates with other men. Crazier than that. Do you live with her now? You’ve supported her for 11 years and seen her once a month all that time?


I didnt accept her dates. I told her politely that i dont like it and she goes wild as if i said something wrong.

Yes, from past 8 months, i live with her


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Sometimes when you do too much you get taken for granted.
> Download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. It’s helped many. You need it.


This is absolutely, 100% true. I feel she doesnt value 1 bit what i have done for the family while i suffered silently.

Thanks for the book, will read it today itself.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

vensun4319 said:


> I thought she saying "i wish you had an affair" speaks for her pure heart and bottomless love for me and made me feel even more deep in her love.


Give me a break. If you had an affair, it would somewhat level the playing field and she'd feel less guilty.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> I can’t wait to hear about the health reason you’ve been separated for 11 years., That’s crazy. Accepting her having dates with other men. Crazier than that. Do you live with her now? You’ve supported her for 11 years and seen her once a month all that time?


He said awhile back. It's ALLERGIES.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> He said awhile back. It's ALLERGIES.


I didn’t catch that.
They’ve been separated for 11 years and he’s basically had no relationship with “his” daughter over allergies. That’s nifty.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

VladDracul said:


> Give me a break. If you had an affair, it would somewhat level the playing field and she'd feel less guilty.


Now when i look back, what you say makes sense. Why would any women ask her husband to have an affair, however pure her heart.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I didn’t catch that.
> They’ve been separated for 11 years and he’s basically had no relationship with “his” daughter over allergies. That’s nifty.


We had been separated because of her allergy to coastal weather. Daughter stayed with her, and would see me once a month. So the bond never established like it would be for a regular dad and daughter. I did and do everything for my daughter. But all she wants is mom and I dont blame my daughter. She is just a kid.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Allergy to coastal weather, or an allergy to you? Why didn’t you move to where she was? No job?
How is your love life the last few months?
Is there such a thing as an allergy to the weather?

you do realize that your relationship is pretty bizarre, right?


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Allergy to coastal weather, or an allergy to you? Why didn’t you move to where she was? No job?
> How is your love life the last few months?
> Is there such a thing as an allergy to the weather?
> 
> you do realize that your relationship is pretty bizarre, right?


The allergy is real. She tried to stay with me multiple times but it was horrible allergy. I took her to hospitals with no use. Finally in our home city, she was fine. 

I have a job people would kill for. High paying, very respected position but sadly no operations in my home city. I kept preparing to do masters so as to make career switch, and the dad passwd away and i was caught in family issues. Finally it took me these many years to come out of all this, leave my job and move to where my wife stays. Am in the process of changing career now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

vensun4319 said:


> This is absolutely, 100% true. I feel she doesnt value 1 bit what i have done for the family while i suffered silently.
> 
> Thanks for the book, will read it today itself.


It’s short and has helped many. Good luck. You can’t fix her but you need to be the best you can be.
I suspect once you open your eyes you may not like what you see. You only need enough for you.
Nothing else really matters. Many just can’t make a decision and stay bound.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

> No More Mr Nice Guy





vensun4319 said:


> Thanks for the book, will read it today itself.


It's a short read, but I'd say it will take any man a year to absorb it and work on the exercises. These habits are hard to change. I spent several years on that book.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Before you speak with her speak to a lawyer to see what divorce looks like. More importantly learn what precautions you need to take to protect yourself.

She is not going to leave you. You are a possession and a punching bag. She will also not admit to anything.

You will not be able to implement much less enforce any boundaries on her and her interactions with other men.

If you want to part ways it will have to be on your initiative. You will not be discarded unless there is a better upgrade willing to keep her.

If you do choose to leave her you should exercise care and caution because she will turn combative. Your departure in any form will represents a loss of control that she will find unacceptable.

Find a separate residence. Quietly move out - while she is at work or away for several hours. Have her served with divorce papers. *Really won't matter how she learns of the divorce or how diplomatic you choose to be. She will turn angry and combative because she has lost control over you and the situation.*

Conversation, reason, therapy are all useless avenues when dealing with an individual like your wife. She cannot be reasoned with. Her way or no way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

vensun4319 said:


> The allergy is real. She tried to stay with me multiple times but it was horrible allergy. I took her to hospitals with no use. Finally in our home city, she was fine.
> 
> I have a job people would kill for. High paying, very respected position but sadly no operations in my home city. I kept preparing to do masters so as to make career switch, and the dad passwd away and i was caught in family issues. Finally it took me these many years to come out of all this, leave my job and move to where my wife stays. Am in the process of changing career now.


What’s the diagnosis on the allergy? What is she allergic to?
So you’re saying you saw a woman 12 days a year and gave up your dream job to live with her? How’s that working for you? She’s having ice cream with other men who are proposing to her? 

You’ve made some poor choices.
should have divorced 11 years ago.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Sometimes people use the threat of suicide to manipulate and shut down the conversation. 
If she ever threatens suicide, immediately call the police (who are trained to deal with it). Let the professionals determine if she's a threat to herself.

You both should read and discuss: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass

It'll provide you both with the information (research and experience of others) you need to discuss her behavior.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

vensun4319 said:


> Thanks a lot for these inputs. Thanks for making me think about what i want, and the boundary issues. This helps me makeup my mind. Really grateful to everyone for the inputs.
> 
> Only one point though, she is dependent on me emotionally and financially. I treat her like a princes. I supported her in her career and everything and anything.
> 
> ...


It speaks of her being guilty of it, she would not feel as bad if you had been screwing around also.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> What’s the diagnosis on the allergy? What is she allergic to?
> So you’re saying you saw a woman 12 days a year and gave up your dream job to live with her? How’s that working for you? She’s having ice cream with other men who are proposing to her?
> 
> You’ve made some poor choices.
> should have divorced 11 years ago.


How could i divorce her? On what ground? Because she had to move to another city as her health was bad? Couldnt do that. Didnt even think. 

She clarified that the ice-cream guy is a women not man


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

vensun4319 said:


> The medical condition part is genuine. I was the one who took her around hospitals. She was allergetic to weather of the city i worked in.
> 
> What is bothering me is why she is continuing these flirtations, hiding them, lieing to me, but doesnt want to lose me at all.
> 
> ...


The problem is that your wife does not respect you and is behaving very badly - and you have allowed it for years. 
The problem is that you have been too weak, timid, afraid, passive or whatever, to set / enforce basic behavioral expectations with your wife. 
The problem is you. 
Why have you tolerated this behavior for so long?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

vensun4319 said:


> How could i divorce her? On what ground? Because she had to move to another city as her health was bad? Couldnt do that. Didnt even think.
> 
> She clarified that the ice-cream guy is a women not man


Nobody can help a man whose wife leaves him after 6 months of marriage and keeps him as a wallet for 11 years, and you’re back for more while she dates other guys and goes into a rage to put you in your place whenever you whimper a little at her Shenanigans.
Good luck,
I’m unable to advise further.
Your wife treats you as you have trained her to do.


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> The problem is that your wife does not respect you and is behaving very badly - and you have allowed it for years.
> The problem is that you have been too weak, timid, afraid, passive or whatever, to set / enforce basic behavioral expectations with your wife.
> The problem is you.
> Why have you tolerated this behavior for so long?


I did not know, as i was not living with her. I always felt that whatever time and affection she genuinely gives is what i should value and not try to probe or restrict her in anyway. But i was wrong


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## vensun4319 (7 mo ago)

Today i had a talk. She was going hyper at the very idea of talking to a therapist. I told her that a healthy marriage needs good communication. She refused. I assured her that the counsellor is off. Then i did tell her that she said such a big thing as looking for someone else and she didnt even try to talk it out. She said "who is the reason i said it". She was basically blaming me for asking about ice-cream date. I accepted its my fault but if she doesnt even bother to clear the air, i will have to consider all possibilities such that you already cheated me or planning to cheat me. She ddidnt say anything. And then i told her that i want our marriage to be happy and last forever and asked her if she wants the same. She doesnt say anything. So i told her that i cant ask something and answer it myself. So she said yes and started throwing a few kitchen utensils. And then when i was discussing, she said "break the relation, break it, am not dependent on you". I cooled her down and after a while asked her "did you cheat me?". She just froze and didnt say anything. Instead asked me why am asking. I said you are the one who said you wanted to look for someone else. She asked "who is responsible for making me say it?". I said its me, am responsible but what you said is not a small thing. Thats why am asking. 

If anybidy else, they would try to clear the hurt and assure me. But she is avoiding the talk, and talking of breaking relstionship. It almost looks like she would rather break the relation than work to restore communication and trust. Am really confused


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Don't know why you are confused. She has made it clear that she wants to look for someone else. What's confusing?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

vensun4319 said:


> Today i had a talk. She was going hyper at the very idea of talking to a therapist. I told her that a healthy marriage needs good communication. She refused. I assured her that the counsellor is off. Then i did tell her that she said such a big thing as looking for someone else and she didnt even try to talk it out. She said "who is the reason i said it". She was basically blaming me for asking about ice-cream date.* I accepted its my fault *but if she doesnt even bother to clear the air, i will have to consider all possibilities such that you already cheated me or planning to cheat me. She ddidnt say anything. And then i told her that i want our marriage to be happy and last forever and asked her if she wants the same. She doesnt say anything. So i told her that i cant ask something and answer it myself. So she said yes and started throwing a few kitchen utensils. And then when i was discussing, she said "break the relation, break it, am not dependent on you". I cooled her down and after a while asked her "did you cheat me?". She just froze and didnt say anything. Instead asked me why am asking. I said you are the one who said you wanted to look for someone else. She asked "who is responsible for making me say it?". *I said its me, am responsible* but what you said is not a small thing. Thats why am asking.
> 
> If anybidy else, they would try to clear the hurt and assure me. But she is avoiding the talk, and talking of breaking relstionship. It almost looks like she would rather break the relation than work to restore communication and trust. *Am really confused*


I'm really confused.
She does bad.
You confront.
She huffs and puffs.
She avoids to talk.
You take the blame and put your head back in the sand.

How do you think this is going to end?
How is this working out for you?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
Go back to post one and read everything you posted.
It's basically the same thing over and over.

At some point *YOU *will have to figure out why *YOU *are in this predicament and why *YOU *choose to remain like this.




vensun4319 said:


> If anybody else, they would try to clear the hurt and assure me


Then why do you allow her to hurt you?
This is on you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She answered your question she is/was cheating....you don't have to be a mind reader to understand her non verbal language...i would tell her that i am going to speak with an attorney and discuss my options and tell her if she wants to save this marriage she batter grow up and figure out what she wants...sorry brother but you have to do this


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

vensun4319 said:


> If anybidy else, they would try to clear the hurt and assure me. But she is avoiding the talk, and talking of breaking relstionship. It almost looks like she would rather break the relation than work to restore communication and trust. Am really confused


Nothing to be confused about Dawg; she likes the situation as its been, with you gone most of the time and her free to bang other guys. I've see y'alls type relationship often among military couples where the husband is deployed and the wife is free to do as she pleases. She is miserable and goes nuts when he gets back because she has to revert back to being a ordinary wife with an ordinary husband. So of course she'd rather break the relationship than have you crimping her style. You've got some choices to make my man. If you want to stay in the marriage, just tell you not to have any friendly Henrys warming up you bed hours before you arrive.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I guess OP lost his balls long time ago and is not longer able to get them back. 

I guess thst he will live the merry-go-round, over and over without actually doing anything. Can't help those that don't help themselves.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

OP you've interpreted your consideration for your wife's needs and freedoms as your greatest act of love for her, and yet - look what's happened to her respect and love for you as a consequence. 

You've been misguided. 

In my younger days I did these sorts of "unselfish" acts of human kindness and love for a girlfriend of mine. Gave her a place to stay to get away from her abusive parents, paid her rent for a bit, got her on her feet, encouraged her education and independence, and soothed her fears. In the end she despised me. All SHE wanted in her heart was a passionate, present sex partner who took what he wanted. The human kindnesses were forgotten. 

I don't know what your wife wants exactly, I can't read her mind, but it's not what you're delivering. The irony being, you keep doing it for HER.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

vensun4319 said:


> We have been married for 10 years. We were in love for 8 months prior to marriage. Total 11 years. We have a kid. Due to her health issues we had been living in different cities and i would travel once a month to see her and later kid. She would always be busy with her family and kid and i understand but she once didnt take my cal from 6pm to 10pm. At 10pm when she did, she said she called her students over and didnt know it was already 10pm. All three of them grownup men 22+ years. This was in my absence. I didnt confront her or question her but told her that it can be avoided and doesnt look good. One of the guys who came that day is emotionally very close to her, she would talk to him for more than an hour in jubiliation and if i ask she says its her student. I told her i dont like it and later came to know that he was the one whose support she took in dealing with another student who proposed to my wife. She dint take my support and she blamed me for it. I apologized if i had said anything that hurt her but told her that it is not good that she continues to talk to him. She agreed to not talk. This incident happened 5 years back.
> 
> Few months back she was again on phone suddenly leaving game night with our and her friend's family and simply wouldnt return or even respond even after i called her multiple times. Finally when i walked up to her, she said its the ssme guy 5 years back we agreed she wont talk. The body language and jubiliation are intact. Most probably she has been in touch. No way to know as she deletes her conversations.
> Next day i confronted her and asked if she had been in touch and if they exchange messages, she not just denied it, she accused me of calling her a "b*tch" and got frentic and threw everything apart and thrratened suicide. I literally had to hold her down. I felt bad that she is still in touch with the same man she brought home 5 years back, we had a fight, and she agreed not to talk but still is. I stead of apologizing or at least assuring me that she wont, she just reacted as if i had said something nobody should ever say to a women. I swallowed my hurt and took care of her. She was alright and fine and we never talked about it. I saw her phone after months by chance. I decided i wont do that either.
> ...


When you say one of them 'proposed' what exactly do you mean? He proposed sleeping with her?


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