# Wife is sneaking cigarettes



## VHVGN (Nov 24, 2015)

I have been married for just over a year to a woman I love very much. She is very supportive of me, in her early 30's and has an 11 year old daughter. I am 55 so there is a huge age difference there - but it obviously was a non issue for her since she married me. She is also a breast cancer survivor nearly 4 years. The problem is she was a smoker for 20 years before giving the habit up - mostly at my and her doctors urging - last year. She still has relapses - even though she denies it - I can tell by the smell on her clothes and her. It hurts me because not only is it a disgusting habit (I am an avid non smoker) but this is a person who already beat cancer and she is literally playing with fire. When I approach her - she denies it and get's a bit defensive. Anyone know a better more forceful but loving way to get the point across? Thanks.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

How about giving her an e-cigarette? Of course those may not be perfectly safe, but they are almost certainly a lot less hazardous than cigarettes.


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## VHVGN (Nov 24, 2015)

Good thinking. Thanks!


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

Don't even try to be forceful about it. Non-smokers never understand. You'll just make it worse. There isn't a smoker alive who isn't fully aware of the risks. The problem is that cigarettes are HIGHLY addictive. 

Go find a forum online for people trying to quit smoking. Usually they have sections for family of smokers. 

I know it's really hard for people who love a smoker but if you really want to help you have to learn to let it go. You have got to accept her and accept that she is addicted. Yes, it's scary. You don't want to lose her. But it is her body, her choice. And you knew this about her when you married her. Not fair or reasonable to expect her to change for you.

The reason she is hiding it is because she doesn't want to lose you. Cigarette smoking is a vicious cycle...being stressed makes you want to smoke. Trying to quit is stressful. Knowing others are judging, worrying, monitoring you is stressful. These things make a smoker crave a cigarette. It may seem counter-intuitive but you letting it go will be far more helpful than finding a more forceful way of trying to convince her to quit.

She knows she needs to quit. It's not a matter of convincing her. It's a matter of doing what you can to make her environment less stressful. To reassure her that you love her no matter what. If she gains a lot of weight from quitting (very common), if she turns into a raging b**** for a month or two while battling the cravings. She doesn't tell you she relapsed because she doesn't feel you are safe. Make yourself a safe person to confide in. No judgment. No indication that you worry about her.

The ecig idea is a good one if she's ready for it. If she is willing to switch to that, be very liberal about it. Do not start pestering her about her nicotene levels or when and where she vapes. 

I was a smoker for 18 years. Switched to an ecig and had my last cigarette May 3, 2014. Haven't vaped in 8 months. It worked great for me. It isn't the solution for everyone but it's worth a try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She is still smoking and odds aren't she isn't going to quit this time. It takes a smoker trying to quit 5 to 7 times before they actually do quit. Of course she denies it and gets defensive, she knows she is in the wrong and lying to you. You really have no choice to but to accept the situation until she decides to quit for good.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I think one of those vapes would be the way to go. I think if you brow beat her into quitting they wind up taking it further underground and it gets worse. Either that or show her graphic pictures of women who had breast cancer and let her know that it could be her.

She's the only one that can make the choice but maybe if she saw the outcome of waiting too long might shake her up enough to quit.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I quit smoking using e-cigs, so I'm echoing the advice above. Those would be good for someone who quit but is sneaking cigarettes anyway - they'll give her something to do with her hands, which is one of the habits that is really hard to break psychologically. They're much safer and she can drop her nicotine levels in the liquid down to nothing gradually. Nicotine by itself isn't nearly as addictive as all the _additives _they put in tobacco cigarettes. It was very easy for me to get off the nicotine in e-cigs unlike actual tobacco cigarettes.

I used the Smokeless Image Volt e-cigs, the simple pen-style version. You might try getting her a starter kit, with a sample pack of liquids. The starter kits aren't very expensive (unless you get the ones at the mall, which you should not). Agree with the poster who said the tobacco-flavored liquids are terrible. 

You can also point her to the "E-Cigarette Forum" for help and support from other people who have used them to quit smoking.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

And above all, if this is your main issue with your spouse, give thanks for her this holiday season.

Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Wife, I know you're smoking and lying to me about it. I know you know why I don't want you to smoke: because I love you and don't want to lose you. But you don't have to lie to me about it. How about you be honest with me, and I won't judge you, but we can work together on it instead?"


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I feel your frustration OP. My husband is a smoker too, and despite numerous attempts to stop, he hasn't been successful. He's tried, gotta give him that. At my urging, he's now on Champix...we'll see.

Your wife is addicted. It's not as simple as "just stop". She would if she could...but it's really not that easy. I've heard that cigarettes are harder to give up than Heroin!!

Encourage, support her...but don't threaten or nag her. She knows the risks, she's a big girl. Nagging her will only make the problem worse.


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