# New to site with alot of questions



## Tensecta (Dec 5, 2017)

Hi,

I caught my wife cheating on the 4th of July. We have been married now 12 years. I am 41 she is 33 in a few weeks. I knew something was going on for at least a month. On her days off she would come home three, four in the morning a few times. I confronted her and of course she said she is just hanging out with her friends. 

Our marriage hasn't been great. I have always been asking for more sex, for the past 10 years, I'd be lucky if I was getting any 2 to 3 times a month, tops. Nothing ever changed after I would tell her how I felt about it time and time again. In just dealt with it. 

She just became a police officer a little over a year ago. I put a tracker on her car and the first day it was on there she wasn't going to work as I watched the tracker. So I took off and found out where she was heading and caught her making out with another officer. I got pics and video. He is also married. First question is something that continues to bother me, I want to be sure his wife knows. I told him he has the opportunity to tell her before I do. I'm not sure he did and I want to know should I make sure of it somehow, or try and let it go? 

I am trying to make this work, we have 3 kids one from a previous relationship of mine one from a previous relationship of hers that I adopted, and then one together.

She originally said she wasn't doing anything other than talking until she found out I had pictures and video. She then only admitted to making out with him. I told her I was leaving unless she told the truth because I didn't believe that. Then she said she slept with him, and even gave details. Days went by and I continue to ask questions and then she said that she didn't sleep with him and just made that up so I wouldn't leave because I didn't believe that she only made out with him. She is now sticking to that story that she only made out with him.

It's killing me because I don't believe she told me the truth nor will she ever. I need help and advice, anything will do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

No one admits they cheated if they didn't. Thats just nonsense. 

Unless she is truthful and completely repentant, and is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust, I am not sure if this will work. It will take years for the marriage to be good again, if it ever is, and that's if she starts being honest and agrees to strong boundaries, openness with her phone etc and maybe some marriage counselling. 

You could also suggest a polygraph? See what her reaction is to that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

yes i would tell the OM wife....and i would tell your wife you will do that unless she tells you the truth...her job is to lie so not sure how much truth you will get from it...but the other wife should know.


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## Tensecta (Dec 5, 2017)

She has been open with the phone, now. I have told her I want to make sure OM wife knows. MW said she does but can't prove it. OM wife did delete her FB account for a while right after but it's back up with pics of them together and happy. 

I agree that nobody would say you had sex with someone and give details if you didn't. Those were my exact words to her as well.

We have done several counseling sessions and they always end bad with fighting


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your wife is working with her affair partner, she will not be able to fully return to the marriage. You will always be unsure about what's going on.

If you tell his wife, the wife will most likely tell their employer. One or both will most likely be fired, most likely your wife. Here is the delimma. If she is fired and you divorce her, can she find another job that pays enough? If not, you are going to be paying a lot of spousal support and child support. You adopted her child, so you will be paying child support for her child and the child you have together.

Is this other officer her superior or partner? Has he been on the force a lot longer than she?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tensecta said:


> She has been open with the phone, now. I have told her I want to make sure OM wife knows. MW said she does but can't prove it. OM wife did delete her FB account for a while right after but it's back up with pics of them together and happy.
> 
> I agree that nobody would say you had sex with someone and give details if you didn't. Those were my exact words to her as well.
> 
> We have done several counseling sessions and they always end bad with fighting


So call his wife and find out if she knows. The advantage of having his wife know is that his wife will make his life miserable if he tries to re-establish something with your wife.


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## Tensecta (Dec 5, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> If your wife is working with her affair partner, she will not be able to fully return to the marriage. You will always be unsure about what's going on.
> 
> If you tell his wife, the wife will most likely tell their employer. One or both will most likely be fired, most likely your wife. Here is the delimma. If she is fired and you divorce her, can she find another job that pays enough? If not, you are going to be paying a lot of spousal support and child support. You adopted her child, so you will be paying child support for her child and the child you have together.
> 
> Is this other officer her superior or partner? Has he been on the force a lot longer than she?


It's not MW partner, just somwone that works her shift and they run into each other on calls. He has been there longer and has since moved shifts to where they overlap a few hours now instead of the whole shift. MW says she never sees him anymore. 

Capts. Lieutenants, and more already know about the affair. Some of them are our neighbors. Nothing has been done. So she is in no danger of losing her job. Yes, she could get another job paying just as much if not more


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

She at least made out with the guy.

Isn't that enough?


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## Tensecta (Dec 5, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> So call his wife and find out if she knows. The advantage of having his wife know is that his wife will make his life miserable if he tries to re-establish something with your wife.


I don't know her number nor can I find it or find out where they live. I only know where she works. She has her FB messanger off. I thought about following him home one night but don't wanna get shot if I get caught haha.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Tensecta said:


> I don't know her number nor can I find it or find out where they live. I only know where she works. She has her FB messanger off. I thought about following him home one night but don't wanna get shot if I get caught haha.


Tell your wife you want her number, she can get it from the other man. 

If she refuses, well then you know what you must do.


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## Tensecta (Dec 5, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> She at least made out with the guy.
> 
> Isn't that enough?


I feel as if I could possibly move past it if I knew for sure either way. I don't know


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Tensecta said:


> I feel as if I could possibly move past it if I knew for sure either way. I don't know


You will NEVER know. 

Now ask yourself if you can live with the uncertainty.


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## Tensecta (Dec 5, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> You will NEVER know.
> 
> Now ask yourself if you can live with the uncertainty.


Not sure that I can, that's why I am on here and I know it's only been a few months but....it's very hard and she is not the affectionate, loving type to help make things easier. I am struggling with that even more now because of this


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tensecta said:


> Hi,
> 
> I caught my wife cheating on the 4th of July. We have been married now 12 years. I am 41 she is 33 in a few weeks. I knew something was going on for at least a month. On her days off she would come home three, four in the morning a few times. I confronted her and of course she said she is just hanging out with her friends.
> 
> ...




Your wife retracted her statement of sex because that's all you can prove. So when the OMW talked to your wife she admitted to what you can prove. The fact your MC ends in fights is also very telling, you need a new MC. You can pay for a polygraph test, if your wife takes it and passes you have your answer, if she refuses you have your answer. 

As for the OMW you do need to verify exactly what she knows. I would go to her work, show her your video and that your wife has now confessed to sleeping with him. Leave it at that, but ask if OM had confessed to sleeping with your wife. Next I would begin to start planting seeds in the brass of the department. Start to say you may begin to take this public, possibly file a lawsuit for alienation of affection. If the town or city is small enough, ask to speak to the chief, tell him how shaken you are that this has received no attention from brass and makes one believe they cover up more then just infidelity. Good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> *No one admits they cheated if they didn't. Thats just nonsense.
> *
> Unless she is truthful and completely repentant, and is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust, I am not sure if this will work. It will take years for the marriage to be good again, if it ever is, and that's if she starts being honest and agrees to strong boundaries, openness with her phone etc and maybe some marriage counselling.
> 
> You could also suggest a polygraph? See what her reaction is to that.


Is it?

From SCM's notes:

I was fed this nonsense about thirty years ago, then not a go. No joke here.
....................................................................................

I believe OMW.....well maybe.

She may be trying to save her OM's butt, for when his wife gets the wonderful news.
Just kissing is better than the whole 'round the corner and up the lane'. Penny Lane, Love. :|:frown2:

I believe SCM says this:

Just Sayin'

-from Lilith


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

She can't be trusted and you may never find out the truth.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She cheated on you with a coworker. She lied, and then only when confronted with evidence did she admit to the affair. She argues with you at counseling and shows no remorse whatsoever. 

Please tell us why you want to stay with someone like this.

And by the way.... medical professionals, cops and teachers are the three professions that have the highest rates of marital infidelity among their workers.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tensecta said:


> Hi,
> 
> I caught my wife cheating on the 4th of July. We have been married now 12 years. I am 41 she is 33 in a few weeks. I knew something was going on for at least a month. On her days off she would come home three, four in the morning a few times. I confronted her and of course she said she is just hanging out with her friends.
> 
> ...


She’s lying.

Oh, and they’re still banging.

File for divorce ASAP.

And yes, reach out to Officer McDouchenozzle’s wife to expose everything to her.

(Putting a GPS tracker on a cop car? Ballsy! I wouldn’t tell anyone else about that.)


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

tell her you'll MAYBE stay with her if she:

quits job
submits to a polygraph
She goes to IC
You both go to MC.
full transparency
more sex

and you're not interested unless she does all of this.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Call the OMW at work. If you can't contact her, send flowers at work and include a copy of the CD with pictures and video. Your bigger problem is being married to a woman who has low level romantic interest in you, hence the reason she's doing other guys. She likely is the "affectionate, loving type", with the guy(s) she's interest in. You need to be shopping for a replacement rather than trying to restore her. If you stop the cheating and forget about whats happened, you'll still have an unaffectionate, unloving type wife.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The issue here is the position as a LEO puts your WW in similar situations every day and night. Can you build trust again with knowing the AP is still in the proximity? There are others your WW works with that history could repeat itself. Can you withstand that in your marriage? It is hard enough on a marriage that your W is a LEO.


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

i would demand she quits her job as a minimum.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Tensecta said:


> I told him he has the opportunity to tell her before I do.


That was a mistake. Now he has likely fed his wife a story to paint you as a paranoid, controlling lunatic. But you know what; you need to call her anyway.

If you decide to consider R, she has to quit her job. Non negotiable. Also, you should tell her that the next few months are a trial period. You need time to judge her remorse (sex will be a big part of that) and your capacity to forgive.

I don't really think she is a good candidate for R, but my guess is that you don't want to believe that. At least insist that she earns a second chance if you give her one.

Oh, by the way. If she keeps insulting your intelligence be trying to convince you they didn't have sex; that should be a non-starter for R as well.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Tensecta said:


> Hi,
> 
> I caught my wife cheating on the 4th of July. We have been married now 12 years. I am 41 she is 33 in a few weeks. I knew something was going on for at least a month. On her days off she would come home three, four in the morning a few times. I confronted her and of course she said she is just hanging out with her friends.
> 
> Our marriage hasn't been great. I have always been asking for more sex, for the past 10 years, I'd be lucky if I was getting any 2 to 3 times a month, tops.


The combination of your wife having little interest in sex with you and she instead wanting an affair with another man will continue to haunt you for as long as you're married to her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> Call the OMW at work. If you can't contact her, send flowers at work and include a copy of the CD with pictures and video. Your bigger problem is being married to a woman who has low level romantic interest in you, hence the reason she's doing other guys. She likely is the "affectionate, loving type", with the guy(s) she's interest in. You need to be shopping for a replacement rather than trying to restore her. If you stop the cheating and forget about whats happened, you'll still have an unaffectionate, unloving type wife.


 All her at work but do not send her flowers that would be insulting. Send the flowers to her husband.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

A few realities 

1) She ***ed him. 
2) The affair is most likely still going on
3) You will be surpised to know that your wife does have a healthy libido unfortunately for whatever reason not for you.

My advice is to enforce boundaries and consequences for her behaviour.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Liars are impossible to be married to.


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

She's lying. End this madness.


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