# Advice please! I have to end my marriage.



## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

I have been married to my wife for nine years. We have a eight year old daughter that is the only reason why I am having such a difficult time dealing with my decision. However, I have done everything in my power to try to undersatnd what my wife is up too with no success. She refuses to go to therapy with me when I am the one that never checked out. I have written what I want to tell her about dropping the D word. Read below please and suggest anything to add or remove. Thank you in advance!


I have some difficult news to share with you. I have decided that this marriage can not continue and that I must seek a divorce. This is something I have been struggling with for some time and I suspect that you are at least aware that we have been having a hard time together. Therefore, I have reached the limits of my pain threshold and just cannot go on any longer. I know this will be a difficult and painful process for all of us. But I believe that we can do it with decency and hope you will come to believe that as well.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I have to still push for MC.

I would separate over D. Tell him MC is the only option to make this work and you will D later if MC isn't done.

If she chooses separation/D over MC, then probably leave, but I highly suggest separating first and giving her time to realize what is going to happen. Does she know you are thinking about D? Does she know its THAT bad?

I know it hurts. I've been there. You also vowed for better or worse, and thats what kept me there when my wife was 99% checked out and said she didn't see a future with me. I wanted to just not wake up sometimes to not have to deal with all the pain.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

anx said:


> I have to still push for MC.
> 
> I would separate over D. Tell him MC is the only option to make this work and you will D later if MC isn't done.
> 
> ...


Anx I have read a lot of your post and they have much information. However, I do not believe in separation in a marriage over four years. We have been distant and on are own for a while. So you can call that separation. I have tried everything to get her to open up and be truthful to herself first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

good luck then.

I guess I would just suggest you add one last time to the e-mail for MC if you are still interested in it.

There is always hope when there is none. My story isn't as crazy as a lot of them. There is always hope when there is love.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

Anx,
I have tried to get her to go to MC together and she says that it is a waste of time. I told if it is a waste of time then tell me what is going with you and how can I make it better. Her reply is that I am not the problem it is her and she does not know why. I love my wife, however, I have to be honest with myself and do what is best for me and my daughter.

I do not know how to approach her anymore because I do not know how she will react. It is like I do not know her enough to have a conversation. It is pretty sad that I fear even coming close to her, has anyone felt this before and how do you go about it. I have done nothing wrong in this marriage for me to feel this way. Yet something has triggered me in the way to just stay away from her.


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## Faith-Hope-Love (Mar 4, 2011)

Before you give her that letter, consider a few things. First, let’s look at some of what you wrote about your wife:

_“I wish she was open with me, I have never given her a reason to not be open with me. She along with her siblings have this problem. She has a problem facing confrentation and being open minded.”

“It is very hard to deal with a spouse who does not communicate well. Therefore, it has been very difficult for me to get answers and concerns from my wife. She admits that I am not the one at fault, but does not know the reason for her actions. I asked that in order for us to have peace in out home we need to come clean and let the bugs out. I asked her that we need to see a MC together and and she says that a MC is not for her.”

“… it is very difficult after 10 years with someone to shut down and not be honest with their partner. This has made me very hurt inside because I can`t get straight answers from her.”_

She obviously has a problem with communication, and it runs in her family. It’s odd that her mother communicates well with you. Be that as it may, perhaps she can shed some light on the communication problem your wife and her siblings share. Maybe the siblings or their spouses can offer some advice on how to get your wife to open up. You had mentioned that she saw a psychologist. Maybe she will give her therapist permission to talk to you about her, and you can gain some insights. If not, ask if you could talk to her therapist so that he could talk to her about you.

If nothing else, simply and lovingly ask, “What will it take for us to get back together?” I know that you are not in the frame of mind right now to ask that. 

I bring all this up because for my entire life I’ve had communication problems, and opening up (even to my now ex-wife) has been a real challenge for me. And I know in my case it stems from early childhood. Turns out my wife had communication problems, too. So, I can see the issue from both sides. 

While I can’t give you a magic formula for getting her to open up, you should understand that you have put obstacles in the path of reconnection. _ “I am going to go back into my cave until she decides to to be honest with me and tell me what she wants.” “I told her that the only way I would be here for you is if we see a MC…”_ She has trouble communicating, and you’re throwing up harsh (to her) pre-conditions to communication.

_“…I told her that she needs to stop texting me with so much trivial stuff. Why is she doing by all of this?” _Perhaps she is trying to keep a connection with you in the only way she can think of, given the restrictions you have placed on her. I don’t know. Just don’t try to ascribe motive to her that you can’t verify, but on which you are basing your actions.

You also wrote,_ “…she has cheated me from what I thought it was a great relationship.” _If it was truly a great relationship, why did she turn away? What was your part in the changes that occurred that has soured the relationship? It takes two to make a marriage, and whether you want to believe it or not, it takes two to break up a marriage.

_“It has been a week since I had the last one on one conversation with her and told her that this marriage could not continue unless she came clean with me.” _If she came clean and said that she committed adultery, and that she was sorry for it, would you forgive her? Maybe she is having a hard time accepting that she did a bad thing, equating doing a bad thing with being a bad person. Maybe she is too ashamed of herself to admit her sin to you. Maybe she believes you won’t forgive her because she can’t forgive herself. Have you thought about having a conversation where you just come out and ask, “Did you cheat on me?” Ask your therapist how to handle that conversation.

I know I’ve rambled on too long. Let me summarize by saying that you don’t know her side of the story, and you think you are totally blameless. I was the same way. It took many years after the divorce for me to begin to see that I was very wrong about that. So, take your time. By your own admission, this hasn’t been going on for very long. And problems with your marriage have been going on longer than you realize.

One last reason for trying to turn your marriage around. Divorce will teach your daughter that it is okay to give up on those closest and dearest to you. I have 3 screwed up grand-nieces from 2 divorces as proof. Pray for strength and guidance. I hope you can work it out and stay together.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

Faith-Hope-Love said:


> Before you give her that letter, consider a few things. First, let’s look at some of what you wrote about your wife:
> 
> _“I wish she was open with me, I have never given her a reason to not be open with me. She along with her siblings have this problem. She has a problem facing confrentation and being open minded.”
> 
> ...


Wow! You really did your homework. I did ask her if their was another man involved, her answer was no not at all. I then began to ask her what is their that I can do to make you feel better, her answer was that I had done nothing wrong and she was the one confused. So I have been living for the past four month confused myself to the point that all I do is reherse all my actions in the past with her.

I never gave any grief at home for any reason, I never made her do anything. I always have been very polite and loving to her. We had a great sexual relationship, that is how she really felt in love with me. I always tell her how good she looks and always take care of anything that happens arpund our house. She is the envy of all her friends because she has it all, a nice home, gorgeous daughter and a loving husband. I dont what else to say other than I am hurt.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

The only thing I can say...just try to work on the way you two communicate. if she has trouble in communicating face to face, maybe you two can find a way to communicate. Even though I am sure you have tried any way you can. I think it is a good idea for you to ask her if it is okay if you talk to her psychiatric to at least get an insight about what is going on with her.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

I have tried everything in my power to communicate. I have never antagonize her and I have always been assertive. I have no energy left in me because she does not participate in her issues that has lead for us to not be a family any more. My main problem is that I feel that I could never trust her again, and that will always be a problem. Now do I say something about the divorce or just do it and tell her that I have filed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh I think it runs deeper than being a poor communicator. She's utterly unaccountable. She is not responsible for anything. And did you ever stop to think that the greatest revenge you can have on a control freak is to give them control? Because that's not what they want. They power NOT accountability. They want tyranny not control. Your wife sounds like she's 'above it all'. It's not the same thing at all as not having a conscience. It's more like a martyr complex turned inside out to a new level of passive-aggressive behavior.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Peace...you've agonized over your situation a long time. You've gotten some great advice. I believe you know what you're doing here. This might actually be the one thing to bring your wife out of the fog she's in, and back home again. It doesn't always work, though. But it will be a wake up call.

I think your letter is worded perfectly, fwiw.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

Thank you all for the replies. It is not a letter it is something I wrote to rehearse. And yes all the advice I have gathered here I have used. I could have never gotten this far without this forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

peace said:


> I have tried everything in my power to communicate. I have never antagonize her and I have always been assertive. I have no energy left in me because she does not participate in her issues that has lead for us to not be a family any more. My main problem is that I feel that I could never trust her again, and that will always be a problem. Now do I say something about the divorce or just do it and tell her that I have filed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pace I am sorry thar things are not working out. I must echo the previous posters and advise you to keep working on the relationship and this is why. The way you relate to your wife is problematic, I think you know that. You have had problems establishing proper boundaries and when she behaves badly you are nicer to her to get her to be nice back. 

These problems will follow you to all of your relationships if you do not work to eliminate them. Things may not work out with your wife but you have not done the hard work to change you because you are stepping out into the unknown

Why not stick it out with the goal of working on your approach to your wife until you are confident that you are the kind of man who can form a healthy relationship. If she is not onboard , then leave. Right now I think you are running to avoid the most difficult task, to take the risk to act differently consistently. 

Dont run now you will only have to face this again, get it over with now. If you move into another relationship, it will take maybe 2 - 3 yrs to have similar problems and being forced to get it right. Stay in place and do it now. You can do it, you have to do it, there is no getting away from it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

I totally agree with Cat. 

Seems like you're running to the easy way. 

Give it some time and work on it.
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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

The thing is that I have done everything to try for her to at least tell me the truth. I have my boundaries set, I will not fall into her trap. I am nice but firm I do not ask or over talk when asked. I have been very patient with her and have given her many opportunities to come clean. She is afraid to meet me in the middle and accept all her wrong doings. I could never trust her because she lies for the simplest reasons. I am hurt to the point that I can not forgive her anymore. My mother in law has backed me up with my actions. She can't believe her daughter has not put her family first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faith-Hope-Love (Mar 4, 2011)

Peace, you sound a lot like me when I was married - 100% sure that I did everything I could, and that all my actions were right. I defended my thoughts, behaviors and actions to the hilt. After my divorce, it took many years before I began to see just how much of the blame belongs to me.

When she turns herself around, you will be able to forgive her. You two will be able to rebuild trust.

But, right now, she may be afraid to turn herself around because you are signaling, at least non-verbally, that you won't forgive her and that you will never trust her again. In her mind, if she "comes clean," you will turn your back on her. Since you're planning to do that anyway, she loses no matter what she does.

For all you have done to save your marriage, there are still plenty of things you can do. You just are unaware of them. Your daughter deserves every effort.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

I thank you for all the good points. However, I have tried everything to safe a marriage I did not destroy. How do I approach her knowing that I will never trust her again. I'm afraid for the future, I do not want to fall in the trap three years from now. She needs to realize that I am serious and that I am not playing games. She yet has put and effort in trying to fix her issues. I am not waiting anymore for that, we are two adults here and she needs to show some action in trying to show me she wants to stay in this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Until I saw your last post, I thought you HAD done everything, but then you wrote "a marriage that I did not destroy." Wow; to me that says you have accepted no real responsibility for the marital breakdown. Maybe I am wrong--and I apologize if I am. 

But a happy spouse does not have an affair or even lean toward one. Something was wrong long before she may have strayed or shut down. Unless she has a mental illness--and even then, it does not mean you are faultless.

BUT, even if you are at fault too, the fact is that she refuses counseling. The only hope of getting you to see your role in the breakdown is counseling, and she won't do it. She may be too resentful and beyond caring, so this may be her way of saying "I don't WANT to work it out with you."

That is what it sounds like to me, anyway.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

I thank you for all the good points. However, I have tried everything to safe a marriage I did not destroy. How do I approach her knowing that I will never trust her again. I'm afraid for the future, I do not want to fall in the trap three years from now. She needs to realize that I am serious and that I am not playing games. She has not yet put and effort in trying to fix her issues. I am not waiting anymore for that, we are two adults here and she needs to show some action in trying to show me she wants to stay in this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

Can someone explain this for me please. Yesterday out of all days I get a text at noon from the wife saying this, "what color do you want to paint the house" this text blew my head away so fast that I had to pull over and think. My reply was to be assertive, any color will be better than what is on there right now. Her reply, do you have a color in mind. My reply, no I do not, I have not had the time to think about this. Her reply, can we meet after work to choose the color. My reply, tonight our daughter has dance classes and I do not want to be late. Her reply, Ok we will do it tomorrow then.

Now! What is all that about, she wants a connection with me just like that. You see what I am dealing with here, someone who does not want to take responsibility for everything that has happened. She really needs help to find herself and be truthful in order for this to work. She has me all confused, this roller coaster ride is really draining me. What does she want to do here, is this a way for her to see if I reply to her and if I am polite. Is she fishing to catch my attention for her to feel safe. She wants a reaction from me, good or bad. I really do not know anymore. Totally confused right now!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You'll only know by giving it more time. A lot of time, people try to be upbeat and positive to get past something that actually needs serious discussion and work. People are usually pretty bad at crisis relationship skill and need MC to figure out what the other person needs.

It could be either her ignoring the issues and still wanting a relationship or trying to break the ice by being friendly. Either way, nothing terrible, but still not there yet.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

anx said:


> You'll only know by giving it more time. A lot of time, people try to be upbeat and positive to get past something that actually needs serious discussion and work. People are usually pretty bad at crisis relationship skill and need MC to figure out what the other person needs.
> 
> It could be either her ignoring the issues and still wanting a relationship or trying to break the ice by being friendly. Either way, nothing terrible, but still not there yet.



ANX,
Exactly, you nailed it! She is ignoring the main issue by trying to be friendly to see if I give her a responce. I am being kind enough to find out what her intentions are. She knows that I have proposed MC as a priority to get us back together. Sneaking in will not work this time because I do not want to fall back to her getting away without consequences.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Just reiterate that to her. Say you might still be open to MC and working to make it happen, but don't want to reengage in the relationship without it.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

ANX,
I am not engaging in any type of trivial stuff with her. She needs to realize that she is running out of excuses. She has and will always try to run away from her issues, especially with me. The sad part about all of this is that I have lost a lot of feelings toards her because of her lack of communication. I have given her every opportunity to open up and be honest to with me. She basically has pushed me away and I feel nothing left in me to continue without her being truthful to herself.


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