# Not sure what to do... LONG



## Ventri (May 18, 2012)

I'm not really sure where to begin.... We've been married for almost 5 years, he is 15 years older then me, and I'm sick of feeling like a child in our relationship. We have an almost 3 year old and a 2 month old, I've been a stay at home mom since out oldest was born, but I feel like if the house doesn't look the way he wants it to when he comes home hes disappointed. Hes never said anything but his body language and audible sighs tell the story. We had a joint bank account and I TOTALLY regret joining our accounts, and now that I'm about to get a job he refuses to put my checks in my account, because it will 'complicate' things because he doesn't have access to it to know how much is there. We are always strapped for cash, I have $40 every month because I have a maxed out CC that we pay the minimum on (it's maxed because I paid for birthday and Christmas shopping one year for my extensive family) - that's the ONLY money I feel I have access to, if I need anything more than that, say GAS, I have to ask him if it's okay to spend out of the account, and I always get a sarcastic or exasperated response ("Well I guess you'll have to"). Every time I NEED something I have to wait months or YEARS before I get it because we 'never have enough'... however, whenever HE needs / wants something we magically have enough, my needs are always on the back burner and I'm getting fed up.
He cheated on me by watching porn when I was pregnant with my 3 year old, I have lost a LOT of trust in him, he hes been clean for 2 years but i still can't help but wonder if hes slipped.
He had a very long work schedule, sometimes up to 14 hours away from home, needless to say we don't have any time for ourselves. We've tried to have date nights but I don't have fun when we go out. We hardly talk to each other, when we do it has to be safe topics or we will get on edge and shut down. He has a temper but he has never been physical to me or our children, but he will raise his voice or become very short with me, which in turn makes me shut down. Since our 2 month old has been home he is a case of Dr. Gykle and Mr. Hyde... he'll be fine but then our 3 year old will do something and he will totally tweak out on her, yell, say demeaning thing... or he will take over with our 2 month old and he just melts down when she starts crying... it's like he's allowed to have meltdowns whenever he wants but when I hit my breaking point, it's just not okay and I'm 'over reacting... shes only 2 months or shes just 3' (Keep in mind I stay up with my 2 month old at night so I have our girls 24/7 and some days it's HARD but I have to remain in composure). 
Sorry this is so long, but I feel like there are a lot of different things going on in our relationship... once I found out he had cheated on me, I have thought about leaving, driving by apartments thinking how much they would cost and if I could afford to leave. When I got pregnant with our 2 month old I was happy but I was haunted by the thought of already being unhappy with one child, how am I going to support two? I have never spoken these words out loud to anyone but I am thinking it a lot.
We can 'talk' via Texting just fine, and on the phone we can carry a conversation okay but when he gets home I can't wait for him to go to bed, I don't have a great desire to talk to him. 
There are times where things feel better, like tonight, but it just doesn't seem to last... I feel trapped... I'm not sure what I should do - PLEASE HELP! I need advise...!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ventri said:


> I'm not really sure where to begin.... We've been married for almost 5 years, he is 15 years older then me, and I'm sick of feeling like a child in our relationship.


How old are the two of you?
You bring up a lot of issues. It might be best to deal with each one individually.


Ventri said:


> We have an almost 3 year old and a 2 month old, I've been a stay at home mom since out oldest was born, but I feel like if the house doesn't look the way he wants it to when he comes home hes disappointed. Hes never said anything but his body language and audible sighs tell the story.


If your house is always in clean and neat but he does this the one time it’s not perfect, then it’s a problem. But if your house is cluttered, ill kept, etc most of the time then he might has a point.


Ventri said:


> We had a joint bank account and I TOTALLY regret joining our accounts, and now that I'm about to get a job he refuses to put my checks in my account, because it will 'complicate' things because he doesn't have access to it to know how much is there.


Having lived with both separate and joint accounts, I believe strongly in joint accounts if the two of you can work together and agree how the money is saved and spent.


Ventri said:


> We are always strapped for cash, I have $40 every month because I have a maxed out CC that we pay the minimum on (it's maxed because I paid for birthday and Christmas shopping one year for my extensive family) –


Did you discuss this spending with your husband before you did this? Or did you max out the cards without consulting with him? You are married with children. If you cannot afford to by Christmas and bday presents for your extensive family then you don’t buy them. A card, a letter, bake a cake… something very inexpensive should be enough. You have put yourself


Ventri said:


> that's the ONLY money I feel I have access to, if I need anything more than that, say GAS, I have to ask him if it's okay to spend out of the account, and I always get a sarcastic or exasperated response ("Well I guess you'll have to"). Every time I NEED something I have to wait months or YEARS before I get it because we 'never have enough'... however, whenever HE needs / wants something we magically have enough, my needs are always on the back burner and I'm getting fed up.


Is your husband upset about you maxing out the credit card? 

That might be part of the reason for this behavior.

There is a way to handle this. If there is always enough for him but you have to ask his permission to spend, there is a problem. Get the book “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. Read it yourself and see if you can get him to read it and to go along with the plan the book talks about.

Basically pay yourself first – this means to put some money in savings every payday first.

Then pay your bills. The left over money is ‘fun money’. Split the ‘fun money’ 3 ways… 1/3 for family fun. 1/3 for you to spend as you wish and 1/3 for him to spend as he wishes. Each of you can put your 1/3 into an account in your own name to save for big purchases…. Say you want to buy yourself something special so need to save for it. 

If he will not work with you to come up with an equitable financial plan for saving, bill paying and personal spending, then you are completely in your rights to put your check into your own account. Just open an account and have it direct deposited into the account. What percentage of your joint income will you be earning? 

You could then figure out what your contribution to family bills are and put that much into the joint account. Some companies will even let you do a split direct deposit. For example I have the amount for my mortgage payment + some extra deposited into an account that is only used to pay the mortgage. That way it does not get ‘accidently’ spent.



Ventri said:


> He cheated on me by watching porn when I was pregnant with my 3 year old, I have lost a LOT of trust in him, he hes been clean for 2 years but i still can't help but wonder if hes slipped.


While you were pregnant, did his porn use interfere with your sex life? Is your sex life as good as is was when you first married?

Is he on the computer much? How much does he use his cell phone?


Ventri said:


> He had a very long work schedule, sometimes up to 14 hours away from home, needless to say we don't have any time for ourselves. We've tried to have date nights but I don't have fun when we go out. We hardly talk to each other, when we do it has to be safe topics or we will get on edge and shut down.


Your marriage is suffering. This is yet another symptom. Why is he working 14 hour days. Does he really need to work that many hours? Has he always worked like that? Did he when you dated and were first married?


Ventri said:


> He has a temper but he has never been physical to me or our children, but he will raise his voice or become very short with me, which in turn makes me shut down.


How often does he raise his voice with you and the children? Does he put you down a lot? Or just yell about ‘things’ that he does not like?


Ventri said:


> Since our 2 month old has been home he is a case of Dr. Gykle and Mr. Hyde... he'll be fine but then our 3 year old will do something and he will totally tweak out on her, yell, say demeaning thing... or he will take over with our 2 month old and he just melts down when she starts crying... it's like he's allowed to have meltdowns whenever he wants but when I hit my breaking point, it's just not okay and I'm 'over reacting... shes only 2 months or shes just 3' (Keep in mind I stay up with my 2 month old at night so I have our girls 24/7 and some days it's HARD but I have to remain in composure).


How are you going to work and keep this up?


Ventri said:


> Sorry this is so long, but I feel like there are a lot of different things going on in our relationship... once I found out he had cheated on me, I have thought about leaving, driving by apartments thinking how much they would cost and if I could afford to leave. When I got pregnant with our 2 month old I was happy but I was haunted by the thought of already being unhappy with one child, how am I going to support two? I have never spoken these words out loud to anyone but I am thinking it a lot.


Using porn is not necessarily cheating. What as your sex life like when he started to use porn?



Ventri said:


> We can 'talk' via Texting just fine, and on the phone we can carry a conversation okay but when he gets home I can't wait for him to go to bed, I don't have a great desire to talk to him.


You both sound burnt out.


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## Ventri (May 18, 2012)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
I'm not really sure where to begin.... We've been married for almost 5 years, he is 15 years older then me, and I'm sick of feeling like a child in our relationship.

_How old are the two of you?
You bring up a lot of issues. It might be best to deal with each one individually._

I’m 27 and he is 41

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
We have an almost 3 year old and a 2 month old, I've been a stay at home mom since out oldest was born, but I feel like if the house doesn't look the way he wants it to when he comes home hes disappointed. Hes never said anything but his body language and audible sighs tell the story.
_If your house is always in clean and neat but he does this the one time it’s not perfect, then it’s a problem. But if your house is cluttered, ill kept, etc most of the time then he might has a point._
He is a major neat freak, everything has a place and it needs to be there. Even if our oldest is playing with her toys the first thing he does when he gets home is tells her to clean up. SHE’S not even 3! If I can’t get the trash out before he gets home or the dishwasher wasn’t run he’s upset or frustrated because, “He does everything around the house” 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
We had a joint bank account and I TOTALLY regret joining our accounts, and now that I'm about to get a job he refuses to put my checks in my account, because it will 'complicate' things because he doesn't have access to it to know how much is there.
_Having lived with both separate and joint accounts, I believe strongly in joint accounts if the two of you can work together and agree how the money is saved and spent._

Before we were married, and yes I was still at home but I DID pay bills, I had a minimum of $1000 in my account, anything below that I considered myself to be in the Red zone. I married into a LOT of debt, he had some medical bills (he had cancer) but in my opinion he doesn’t manage the money very well, the minute we have any extra he splurges. If we ever get money back from taxes, instead of trying to paydown on credit cards he gets a 42inch flat screen TV and a new gaming console. I would like to have my paycheck into my account to try to manage some bills and start saving if I can but he just won’t have it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
We are always strapped for cash, I have $40 every month because I have a maxed out CC that we pay the minimum on (it's maxed because I paid for birthday and Christmas shopping one year for my extensive family) –
_Did you discuss this spending with your husband before you did this? Or did you max out the cards without consulting with him? You are married with children. If you cannot afford to by Christmas and bday presents for your extensive family then you don’t buy them. A card, a letter, bake a cake… something very inexpensive should be enough. You have put yourself_

Yes, at the time I was happy to help, this was the first year we were married so I didn’t realize that my card would stay maxed. Our holidays now are always sparse, we don’t buy for everyone anymore because we just simply can’t. 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
that's the ONLY money I feel I have access to, if I need anything more than that, say GAS, I have to ask him if it's okay to spend out of the account, and I always get a sarcastic or exasperated response ("Well I guess you'll have to"). Every time I NEED something I have to wait months or YEARS before I get it because we 'never have enough'... however, whenever HE needs / wants something we magically have enough, my needs are always on the back burner and I'm getting fed up.
_Is your husband upset about you maxing out the credit card? 

That might be part of the reason for this behavior.

There is a way to handle this. If there is always enough for him but you have to ask his permission to spend, there is a problem. Get the book “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. Read it yourself and see if you can get him to read it and to go along with the plan the book talks about.

Basically pay yourself first – this means to put some money in savings every payday first.

Then pay your bills. The left over money is ‘fun money’. Split the ‘fun money’ 3 ways… 1/3 for family fun. 1/3 for you to spend as you wish and 1/3 for him to spend as he wishes. Each of you can put your 1/3 into an account in your own name to save for big purchases…. Say you want to buy yourself something special so need to save for it. 

If he will not work with you to come up with an equitable financial plan for saving, bill paying and personal spending, then you are completely in your rights to put your check into your own account. Just open an account and have it direct deposited into the account. What percentage of your joint income will you be earning? 

You could then figure out what your contribution to family bills are and put that much into the joint account. Some companies will even let you do a split direct deposit. For example I have the amount for my mortgage payment + some extra deposited into an account that is only used to pay the mortgage. That way it does not get ‘accidently’ spent._

He isn’t upset he would be a huge hypocrite if he was… there’s just never any ‘extra’ for me to have any money other than my CC. What you’ve described was pretty much exactly what I did before we were married, and what I would do if I could have my checks into my account.
He isn’t open to even splitting the check, he doesn’t see the need for it and he has no access to that money and he isn’t comfortable with letting go of the financial control. To a point I understand because we’re not making enough to cover everything cleanly every month, but if I’m offering to cover all of the new day care expenses plus hundreds of dollars in current expenses I don’t see the drama… I’m freeing up money from the main account.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
He cheated on me by watching porn when I was pregnant with my 3 year old, I have lost a LOT of trust in him, he hes been clean for 2 years but i still can't help but wonder if hes slipped.
_While you were pregnant, did his porn use interfere with your sex life? Is your sex life as good as is was when you first married?_

_Is he on the computer much? How much does he use his cell phone?_
Our sex life was great before we got married, then it just went down hill, no idea why, maybe he was viewing since we got married. When he was viewing it, he was on the lap top pretty much from the minute he got home… he did a good job of hiding it until I found a video a week before Christmas.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
He had a very long work schedule, sometimes up to 14 hours away from home, needless to say we don't have any time for ourselves. We've tried to have date nights but I don't have fun when we go out. We hardly talk to each other, when we do it has to be safe topics or we will get on edge and shut down.
_Your marriage is suffering. This is yet another symptom. Why is he working 14 hour days. Does he really need to work that many hours? Has he always worked like that? Did he when you dated and were first married?_
He works as a courier In a city almost 3 hours away so it’s just a part of the job, some days he’s home early. He’s currently looking for something with less demanding hours..
We met each other on the job, but it wasn't nearly the demanding schedule. 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
He has a temper but he has never been physical to me or our children, but he will raise his voice or become very short with me, which in turn makes me shut down.
_How often does he raise his voice with you and the children? Does he put you down a lot? Or just yell about ‘things’ that he does not like?_

He raises his voice to our oldest almost every day, I try to step in and intervene but that just leads to him yelling at me. Then he comes and tells me that when I do that it upsets him because he’s trying to a) get a point across to her or b) give me a break from her. The way I see it, if he’s scaring ME then she is terrified! He hasn’t screamed at her in a while but he does use mean sarcasm that I don’t think is right. He doesn’t put me down directly but there are days where I feel like he blames me for the money issues (even though I don’t spend anything out of the account), or his attitude when he comes home makes me feel like he doesn’t think I do anything around the house all day. He makes it clear in more non-verbal ways when he isn’t pleased with something..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
Since our 2 month old has been home he is a case of Dr. Gykle and Mr. Hyde... he'll be fine but then our 3 year old will do something and he will totally tweak out on her, yell, say demeaning thing... or he will take over with our 2 month old and he just melts down when she starts crying... it's like he's allowed to have meltdowns whenever he wants but when I hit my breaking point, it's just not okay and I'm 'over reacting... shes only 2 months or shes just 3' (Keep in mind I stay up with my 2 month old at night so I have our girls 24/7 and some days it's HARD but I have to remain in composure).

_How are you going to work and keep this up?_

That’s a good question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
Sorry this is so long, but I feel like there are a lot of different things going on in our relationship... once I found out he had cheated on me, I have thought about leaving, driving by apartments thinking how much they would cost and if I could afford to leave. When I got pregnant with our 2 month old I was happy but I was haunted by the thought of already being unhappy with one child, how am I going to support two? I have never spoken these words out loud to anyone but I am thinking it a lot.

_Using porn is not necessarily cheating. What as your sex life like when he started to use porn?_

To me it is cheating, I know people have different opinions on Porn, but that’s how I personally feel about it. And he knew that before we were married. Before we were married our sex life was great… now I think the last time we had sex was when we conceived our youngest.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ventri 
We can 'talk' via Texting just fine, and on the phone we can carry a conversation okay but when he gets home I can't wait for him to go to bed, I don't have a great desire to talk to him.
_You both sound burnt out._

agreed


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"I have a maxed out CC that we pay the minimum on (it's maxed because I paid for birthday and Christmas shopping one year for my extensive family)"

First and foremost, you need to rein in your spending on your extensive family. What we've done for many years is a Secret Santa. Everyone's name goes in the hat and you pull one out and that's who you but for. THAT'S IT!

"He cheated on me by watching porn when I was pregnant with my 3 year old"

While I do agree that if he's doing something that you feel is chesting, it is. However, did he know that you viewed porn usage as cheating (before this all blew up)? I am sure he knew that you may be upset about it but to be honest, most men look at porn at some point even though we know our wives would'nt be happy about it How was your sex life during this time?

" We've tried to have date nights but I don't have fun when we go out."

Why the hel* not? Seems like he may be making an effort here by doing this with you

"he will raise his voice or become very short with me, which in turn makes me shut down"

This is a troubling dynamic you two have. You seem to be full of anger and resentment over what your husband does and how he treats you (and rightly so) but keeping it all inside and not expressing it constructively will not make it better. What have the two of you done about getting help! You both are crying out for it!

So he often works 14 hour days and he's often moody and angry? Can you say stress? This is a very real possibility along with depression.

You mention cheating. What happened and when?


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## Ventri (May 18, 2012)

Toffer said:


> "I have a maxed out CC that we pay the minimum on (it's maxed because I paid for birthday and Christmas shopping one year for my extensive family)"
> 
> First and foremost, you need to rein in your spending on your extensive family. What we've done for many years is a Secret Santa. Everyone's name goes in the hat and you pull one out and that's who you but for. THAT'S IT!
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ventri (May 18, 2012)

Sorry I'm new to this forum and while on my phone can't do the edits I want. 
Other than here I've only talked to one other person about my relationship issues, mainly the financial aspects of it all. He has a credit card he use almost exclusively and has to pay off every month (it can't hold a balance), so he gets gas and gets our weekly grocery trip on it.... He is also able to get whatever he wants with that card. He'd eats out everyday, fast food... I guess I resent this because even though he's spending for his job I feel trapped by $40. That $40 goes towards my skin care which he won't purchase because its too expensive. If I don't need to get skin care that month its used for gas.

he has ed, though he won't admit it. If he's too stressed he can't preform, its really hard for me to separate his ed and him not seeing me as good enough. He told me that it was a turn on to see the women on line and imagine that they wanted him, I was so hurt by that, I asked him why his own wife, whom he says he's attracted to isn't good enough. He said once that certain body parts of mine were a distraction when we were tring to be intimate - ouch! He rarely compliments me, because he "only says what he means" ... No wonder my body self confidence is so poor.

if it wasn't for our kids I would be gone. I feel trapped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"He said once that certain body parts of mine were a distraction when we were tring to be intimate"

What the hel* does this mean?


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## Ventri (May 18, 2012)

I was incredibly hurt by this and I asked him about it after the fact, and he denied that he said that, that he would never say something like that even if he thought it.
I know that I struggle with my weight, I am up and down all the time, right now, with the help of my pregnancy I am UP and feel awful - when my weight is up he feels responsible because he thinks if I'm fat it's because I'm not happy. I said that to say I know that my body is not to where HE wants it to be, (or where I want it to be) I've had two kids and a lot of weight with both so I have insecurities about myself which I'm sure he sees all of my physical downfalls.


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