# To fight or let it go



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Okay, I think I need some help off the ledge here. I met a man at the beginning of the month, and have met up with him twice. Twice because he works out of town, 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. On paper, and from what I know of him in-person, he's a great match for me, and exactly the type of man I'm looking for and need in my life. He's a homeowner, has a fantastic job, is stable and steady, has a calm manner, kind, family-oriented, really easy to talk to and be around, and get this, he communicates. We talk about the bigger topics, most of which he's brought up, and from what I can see so far, he would not only make a good partner, but a really good friend as well. 

We chatted last night, and was told that there are 2 women that he is currently talking to and interested in, me being 1 of them. He knows I'm interested, and he knows that he's the only one that I'm spending any time with. I joked that I have some competition and for him to let me know if I need to get my boxing gloves out. He said that I don't have much competition (which he's also probably told the other woman), and went on to say that I surprised and impressed him with my positive attitude the last time we saw each other. It's his bday today, and I called him after 6am to wish him a great day. I also plan on baking him some bday muffins for the next time we get together.

So, my conundrum is this: do I keep up the positive attitude and fight for this man (who is most definitely worth fighting for), or do I take a step back so that I don't get hurt again? And how do I do either of these without looking like either an eager beaver or totally uninterested?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Hmmmmmm.....well its in the beginning stages.

I am wondering about this 2 weeks thing.

DO you really want to be in a relationship where he is gone 2 weeks out of the month?

My ex was a truck driver. Gone 3 weeks out of 4. For 10 years.

It was hell.

As far as the other stuff, you are free to date others as well. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Okay, I think I need some help off the ledge here. I met a man at the beginning of the month, and have met up with him twice. Twice because he works out of town, 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. On paper, and from what I know of him in-person, he's a great match for me, and exactly the type of man I'm looking for and need in my life. He's a homeowner, has a fantastic job, is stable and steady, has a calm manner, kind, family-oriented, really easy to talk to and be around, and get this, he communicates. We talk about the bigger topics, most of which he's brought up, and from what I can see so far, he would not only make a good partner, but a really good friend as well.
> 
> *We chatted last night, and was told that there are 2 women that he is currently talking to and interested in, me being 1 of them. He knows I'm interested, and he knows that he's the only one that I'm spending any time with. I joked that I have some competition and for him to let me know if I need to get my boxing gloves out. He said that I don't have much competition (which he's also probably told the other woman), and went on to say that I surprised and impressed him with my positive attitude the last time we saw each other.* It's his bday today, and I called him after 6am to wish him a great day. I also plan on baking him some bday muffins for the next time we get together.
> 
> So, my conundrum is this: do I keep up the positive attitude and fight for this man (who is most definitely worth fighting for), or do I take a step back so that I don't get hurt again? And how do I do either of these without looking like either an eager beaver or totally uninterested?



The bold, to me, would feel manipulative. It sounds like his way of telling you that there's competition in an effort to get you to up your game and make his attention to you worth his while. Otherwise, he would just pick whichever of the women he's seeing seems to fit him best and ask if she's interested in becoming exclusive. From my perspective, it feels like he's trying to get you to do the "pick me" dance. 

Now, I love club dancing, tap dancing, ballet dancing, modern dancing, waltzes, contra dancing, Renaissance court and country dancing, hell I've even done clogging and the occasional country line dancing. But the one dance I do _not_ do - ever - is the "pick me" dance.

I'd throw this one back. For this, and a number of other reasons.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Hmmmmmm.....well its in the beginning stages.
> 
> I am wondering about this 2 weeks thing.
> 
> ...


I'm actually 100% OK with his work schedule, but I'm also not the type of gal who needs to be joined at the hip with a man. His 2 weeks away would give me space to do my own thing and see friends, and I would very much enjoy his company the 2 weeks that he's home.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rowan said:


> The bold, to me, would feel manipulative. It sounds like his way of telling you that there's competition in an effort to get you to up your game and make his attention to you worth his while. Otherwise, he would just pick whichever of the women he's seeing seems to fit him best and ask if she's interested in becoming exclusive. From my perspective, it feels like he's trying to get you to do the "pick me dance".
> 
> Now, I love club dancing, tap dancing, ballet dancing, modern dancing, waltzes, contra dancing, Renaissance court and country dancing, hell I've even done clogging and the occasional country line dancing. But the one dance I do _not_ do - ever - is the "pick me" dance.


I see your point, and need to confirm that I asked a question that led to him telling me this information. I noticed that he either hid or removed his Match profile, and asked him about that. That lead to him telling me about his reasons (being myself and another gal).


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Ursula ~
I am not a big fan of his "2 women" comment. 
Be careful.
VH


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ursula said:


> So, my conundrum is this: do I keep up the positive attitude and fight for this man (who is most definitely worth fighting for), or do I take a step back so that I don't get hurt again? And how do I do either of these without looking like either an eager beaver or totally uninterested?


Actually you don't have a conundrum at all. You should keep up your positive attitude just because you should be positive. Not to "fight" for this man. Just continue to be yourself and take care of the things you need to take care. You can't worry about what either this guy or the other woman does. You can't control them. You can only control yourself.
If you value yourself, you shouldn't be hurt one way or the other. If he decides you are worthy of his undivided attention, so be it - you get to decide if he is worthy of yours. If he decides the other woman get his attention, so be it - he has self identified himself as someone you don't want or need to be with. If he keeps balancing the two of you, so be it - if you are uncomfortable with this arrangement, you do not have to do it.
Don't "fight" for anyone other than yourself. Take control! All the power is in your hands.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I would just go with it for now and see how things pan out. Just be yourself. If just being yourself "wins", then all is right with the world. No pretending was needed. If not, then there are more fish. It's so early, but I'm one to talk.

This made me think back to my ex. When we met, for whatever reason she pursued me. When she showed interest, all of the sudden the guy who knew nothing about women, and never got attention from any, started getting attention. So, she found herself having to compete for a guy who seemed like a safe bet. She won. There is nothing wrong with stepping up your game to compete, but just be genuine.

PS. If I knew then what I know now...


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

My only advice is that you should not fight for him any harder than he is fighting for you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If a man told me he was also interested in another woman, after a couple of dates, I'd be out. But that's just me.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

VeryHurt said:


> Ursula ~
> I am not a big fan of his "2 women" comment.
> Be careful.
> VH


Yes, me neither. Exactly what did he intend to accomplish by telling you about the other "competition"? Is he setting you up to let you down?

If I were him and even slightly interested in you, why would I want to jeopardize my chances by telling you about another?

I don't know; it just seems selfish and disrespectful to you. Keep shopping and look elsewhere.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Maybe I'm in the minority here but I wouldn't get caught up in the "another woman I'm interested in" situation this early. At least he was honest, and I see that as a plus. If you like him, just let things play out.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Need some more information: Has he given a timeline? Is he interested in being in a relationship or just dating? Are you currently dating others or plan to?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Need some more information: Has he given a timeline? Is he interested in being in a relationship or just dating? Are you currently dating others or plan to?


he's interested in something long-term, leading to a shared life and children, same as me. I'm not currently dating others, although I've had invitations which I've turned down. In this guy, I feel like I've found someone that I click with and can just be me with. It's refreshing to be honest.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Ursula said:


> he's interested in something long-term, leading to a shared life and children, same as me. I'm not currently dating others, although I've had invitations which I've turned down. In this guy, I feel like I've found someone that I click with and can just be me with. It's refreshing to be honest.


Ok and you have only had about 3 dates or so with him ?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is where honesty goes up one notch... further.

To a place called "Truthville".

The Truth can set you free.
The Truth can set him free.

I would rather have 'Truth", than 1/2 Truths.


Rather than have:

Omissions of Truth.
Lies by Omission.

He does not likely want you to be blindsided.
He wants you to have a 'heads up'.

So as to, NOT let you be surprised....... If he chooses the other Maiden.
Or, he may want to let her down 'slowly'. Gently release her.
Soothe her feathers, her tail feathers. Yes.

He is either a Naive' man, or a brutally honest one.

I bet on the latter.

Give him your hand at the door.
Give him your hand on the dance floor.

Do not give him your heart. Nor your furry fold.
At least not so quickly.

Find out what he wants.
Find out if he wants your companionship or 'only' your intimacy. Intimacy between the sheets.


Lilith-


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ok and you have only had about 3 dates or so with him ?


Yeah, we met up for a drink for the first date, and both of us said how comfortable it was. I feel like I've known him for a couple years; everything from the how the conversation flowed to how I felt just felt natural. The second date, we went for a very snowy and sometimes slick walk in our river valley, hence his comment on my positive attitude. Apparently, someone women would be turned off by doing something like that...?? 

Just to confirm though yes, 2 dates, and he touches base by phone 2 out of 3 nights since he's been back at work. Our conversations aren't long (about 15-20 minutes), but we've covered a lot of ground during them. From the book "5 love languages", dating outside of one's culture (we're different cultures), sex in a relationship, and most recently the fact that we both lived in the same town at the same time and know some of the same people. Small, small world!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Are you the type who would multi-date, or you more of a sequential dater? If he's not the same dating type as you, he's not as compatible as you think, no matter how stable and good at conversation he appears.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Are you the type who would multi-date, or you more of a sequential dater? If he's not the same dating type as you, he's not as compatible as you think, no matter how stable and good at conversation he appears.


In the recent past, I multi-dated, which was challenging and ended badly with one man. I've since learned my lesson, and want to see where things go with this new guy. I'm not sure what a sequential dater is, and Google is only giving me definitions for "sequential data", go Google. When we talked about dating more than 1 person at a time last night, he said that wasn't him, and that he wants to get things figured out with the women currently in his sights. We really aren't "dating" per-sey, so I don't believe that he's "dating" the other gal either, but we're just spending time together and seeing where it leads, I guess that would be a good way to put it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Yeah, we met up for a drink for the first date, and both of us said how comfortable it was. I feel like I've known him for a couple years; everything from the how the conversation flowed to how I felt just felt natural. The second date, we went for a very snowy and sometimes slick walk in our river valley, hence his comment on my positive attitude. *Apparently, someone women would be turned off by doing something like that...??
> *
> Just to confirm though yes, 2 dates, and he touches base by phone 2 out of 3 nights since he's been back at work. Our conversations aren't long (about 15-20 minutes), but we've covered a lot of ground during them. From the book "5 love languages", dating outside of one's culture (we're different cultures), sex in a relationship, and most recently the fact that we both lived in the same town at the same time and know some of the same people. Small, small world!


Yes many women expect to be wined and dined early on and scoff at doing something physical and low key. Me personally I also prefer a nice hike for a second date. 1 because it gives you time to connect and 2 as you guessed it gives time to evaluate a partners attitude. If they complain and moan about it the whole way they are not going to have a good attitude about many things in life. I agree you have a good attitude and I get his attraction to you. It’s more rare than you think

Here is my suggestion to you. I have been in his position and things are still new. Positive attitude is what he seems focused on much like me. He has made sincere comments and unless you feel otherwise I would take them at that. Give him some time, keep it playful, be light but be honest.

The 3 things I would say you must NOT do is sleep with him, get overly invested in him or demand something. As I said I have been in his position and he sounds a bit like me. I have had those 3 things happen and it eventually swayed me to the other direction.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Ursula said:


> In the recent past, I multi-dated, which was challenging and ended badly with one man. I've since learned my lesson, and want to see where things go with this new guy.* I'm not sure what a sequential dater is, and Google is only giving me definitions for "sequential data", go Google.* When we talked about dating more than 1 person at a time last night, he said that wasn't him, and that he wants to get things figured out with the women currently in his sights. We really aren't "dating" per-sey, so I don't believe that he's "dating" the other gal either, but we're just spending time together and seeing where it leads, I guess that would be a good way to put it.


You know, sequentially, as in one at a time. The opposite of multi-dating. Try things out with one potential date, decide it's poor, and let them go before ever having one date with another person.

So you are a sequential dater. He appears to be a multi-dater who is trying to convince you he's a sequential dater so you'll stick around while he tries you both out.

Frankly, if you're not appealing enough to eliminate his indecision, then you're probably not the woman for him.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would be careful when you know that you are being multi dated:

1. It's tricky if you choose to multi date him. Other men may not like being multidated. Plus as a woman -- fair or unfair -- men normally assume that you're having sex with someone else whether or not you're having sex with him.

2.I would be careful to whom I would introduce him to. He can't have "access all areas" in your life when he is not offering it to you. Keep your own social life active. You don't want to cut off all ability to meet other men when you don't even know where you stand with him. 

3. Also, it's good to have an active social life so that you always have a plan B should he ever become sloppy with you. A lot of times we women will accept the bait and switch and last minute offers because we' all ready to go out and have no other offers to tender. If you were already going to a party with one of your friends, then it's easier to blow off a last minute date offer due to his other woman standing HIM up.

4. It will be hard to gauge exactly where you are on this totem pole. No disrespect to you men, but it seems sometimes the feisty, in your face type is what you are looking for. Screw kindness or beauty or anything else that is not counterintuitive.

5. Just treat this guy like someone you go out with every now and then when you have time.

6. Be careful as to how the cost of dating is split. You could be going a strict 50 /50 or event topping it up for him if he cries the blues (family issues, IRS, whatever.....) only to find out that one or more of the other women are getting the "full ride."


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Yes many women expect to be wined and dined early on and scoff at doing something physical and low key. Me personally I also prefer a nice hike for a second date. 1 because it gives you time to connect and 2 as you guessed it gives time to evaluate a partners attitude. If they complain and moan about it the whole way they are not going to have a good attitude about many things in life. I agree you have a good attitude and I get his attraction to you. It’s more rare than you think
> 
> Here is my suggestion to you. I have been in his position and things are still new. Positive attitude is what he seems focused on much like me. He has made sincere comments and unless you feel otherwise I would take them at that. Give him some time, keep it playful, be light but be honest.
> 
> The 3 things I would say you must NOT do is sleep with him, get overly invested in him or demand something. As I said I have been in his position and he sounds a bit like me. I have had those 3 things happen and it eventually swayed me to the other direction.


Yeah, I don't get that whole wining and dining thing. I mean, it gives a good opportunity to talk face to face as well, but I'd much rather be out in my element. Thank-you for those comments, and maybe it is more rare than I think. I tend to hang out with women who are like me though, so in my world, it's pretty common!

I do feel like he's sincere in his comments and has been talking openly and honestly. I could be very, very wrong and misguided here, but there's just something about him that makes me believe that he's being genuine. I'll keep it light and playful, will not sleep with him or be demanding/needy. I feel like I'm already overly invested, but will keep that to myself, and try to take a couple steps back while still keeping it real.

Thanks @Wolf1974, that was the kind of thoughts I was hoping for, and I feel better about things. Really, all I can control is me in any situation, so I might as well feel good and not worked up.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ursula,

This thread reinforces my concern that I had when I read your first report about the end of your marriage and where you were headed since. While I was sorry to hear of your situation, and I fully agreed you deserve better, including a fulfilling, well-rounded relationship, your eagerness to seek that immediately in the wake of the demise of the previous one, set off my radar. 

This thread (and one or two in between) seems to be an extension of that. You seem to be trying to hard to solidify a better relationship, or at least to find one that can become all that. I have no doubt you are a fabulous woman and an excellent catch, and you do deserve to have all that in your life, but pushing for it, and looking for it in places you are unlikely to find it, may ultimately be unproductive.

If I'm reading you and your situation correctly, I would advise slowing down a bit. Give up any and all expectations. If it comes, it comes; if not, just have some fun along the way and enjoy the ride. For it to occur, it has to do so more organically rather than because you forced it to. Forcing works well in some areas, but this isn't one of them. 

I once read an excellent Buddhist book called "Wanting Enlightenment is a Big Mistake." While it covered a lot of esoteric ground from a Buddhist point of view, the ultimate takeaway was in the title: that those who forcefully seek enlightenment are unlikely to find it, but those who are willing to let go and experience without preconception or expectation have the best shot at receiving that which they seek. So it seems with you. 

Enjoy your life and take a more carefree approach to your dating. No time line. No ultimate goal. Just enjoy the fellas who are willing to enjoy you. If a genuine match comes along, you'll know it... and it coming along and you realizing it are more likely if you are free rather than tied to a schedule or expectation of success.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Okay, I think I need some help off the ledge here. I met a man at the beginning of the month, and have met up with him twice. Twice because he works out of town, 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. On paper, and from what I know of him in-person, he's a great match for me, and exactly the type of man I'm looking for and need in my life. He's a homeowner, has a fantastic job, is stable and steady, has a calm manner, kind, family-oriented, really easy to talk to and be around, and get this, he communicates. We talk about the bigger topics, most of which he's brought up, and from what I can see so far, he would not only make a good partner, but a really good friend as well.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Without knowing the exact context, to me it seems like an idiotic thing to let your date know that there’s another woman he might be interested in. Either that or he is too self absorbed to realise that it might be an inappropriate thing to bring up.

Also: is being a homeowner and having a steady job the top two criteria on the list for a suitable partner to begin with?
I wouldn’t know, I have not dated since I was 16 so things may have changed since then.

Just a note: I wouldn’t find it appealing if I felt a woman had to ‘fight’ for me. I am the one who has to do the fighting to be interested. Don’t let it begin with the wrong kind of dynamic.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Ursula,
> 
> This thread reinforces my concern that I had when I read your first report about the end of your marriage and where you were headed since. While I was sorry to hear of your situation, and I fully agreed you deserve better, including a fulfilling, well-rounded relationship, your eagerness to seek that immediately in the wake of the demise of the previous one, set off my radar.
> 
> ...


Well said, and I happen to agree with everything that you wrote. I do plan on taking a little more time and slowing down a bit, hence the "please talk me off the ledge" comment. I know that I'm thinking too much on this particular person, and need to step back and let things happen organically if they're going to happen. I think that one of the reasons that I'm pushing a little harder to find someone is that I would like a biological family, and will be 40 next month. However, there are many ways to have a family, even if it isn't biological. My time on Match is done next week, and I actually think that I'm just going to remove my profile today. I'm done, even if this new guy doesn't work out. I just can't do the Match thing anymore at this time. There are also things at home that I want to start working on, and would like time to do that.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> Without knowing the exact context, to me it seems like an idiotic thing to let your date know that there’s another woman he might be interested in. Either that or he is too self absorbed to realise that it might be an inappropriate thing to bring up.
> 
> *Also: is being a homeowner and having a steady job the top two criteria on the list for a suitable partner to begin with?
> *I wouldn’t know, I have not dated since I was 16 so things may have changed since then.
> ...


No, not at all, but it is important to me. My STBXH lived with his Mom before moving in with me, and knew absolutely nothing about what it takes to run a household or take care of a yard. This guy does know, and that's important because then I won't have to train him like I did STBXH, which really took a huge toll on our relationship.

Here are the other things that I mentioned that are important qualities: _"he's stable and steady, has a calm manner, kind, family-oriented, really easy to talk to and be around, and get this, he communicates. We talk about the bigger topics, most of which he's brought up, and from what I can see so far, he would not only make a good partner, but a really good friend as well."_


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Well said, and I happen to agree with everything that you wrote. I do plan on taking a little more time and slowing down a bit, hence the "please talk me off the ledge" comment. I know that I'm thinking too much on this particular person, and need to step back and let things happen organically if they're going to happen. I think that one of the reasons that I'm pushing a little harder to find someone is that I would like a biological family, and will be 40 next month. However, there are many ways to have a family, even if it isn't biological. My time on Match is done next week, and I actually think that I'm just going to remove my profile today. I'm done, even if this new guy doesn't work out. I just can't do the Match thing anymore at this time. There are also things at home that I want to start working on, and would like time to do that.


Thanks for sharing the biological imperative. That timing could certainly complicate things. I wish you peace and joy however things shake out.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Personally I'd let it run for a couple or three more months at the rate you are getting together. After that, if you are still very interested it might be the time to bring up exclusivity and press him a bit.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ursula said:


> No, not at all, but it is important to me. My STBXH lived with his Mom before moving in with me, and knew absolutely nothing about what it takes to run a household or take care of a yard. This guy does know, and that's important *because then I won't have to train him like I did STBXH, which really took a huge toll on our relationship.*


I don't mean to sound preachy, but try to avoid 'training' guys (or people) in general: it's a recipe for disaster. The most favourable outcome is likely to come with someone who you already like the way the are, without feeling the ned to have to change them. By now, they should be grown up adults...

The guy seems to be already 'well-trained'  However, unfortunately you can't really tell the things he 'hasn't been trained in' (that you might find unsatisfactory down the road) at the very beginning of a relationship.

good luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ursula said:


> I'm actually 100% OK with his work schedule, but I'm also not the type of gal who needs to be joined at the hip with a man. His 2 weeks away would give me space to do my own thing and see friends, and I would very much enjoy his company the 2 weeks that he's home.


So you know for a fact that he's away for work 2 weeks at a time? Do you know for a fact that he works where he says he does and has the job that he says he has?

Have you seen his house and ensured that he actually lives there?

I'm asking because this is a very usual setup for a person who is living two lives. The other woman he's "seeing" could be his wife.

I can see two reasons for him telling you about him seeing another woman as well. Sure, on the surface it sounds radically honest. But here is most likely an ulterior motive.

1) He wants you to do the 'pick me' dance. This is unacceptable.

or 

2) That other woman is wife and he's priming you for accepting that you are the "other woman".


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Okay, I think I need some help off the ledge here. I met a man at the beginning of the month, and have met up with him twice. Twice because he works out of town, 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. On paper, and from what I know of him in-person, he's a great match for me, and exactly the type of man I'm looking for and need in my life. He's a homeowner, has a fantastic job, is stable and steady, has a calm manner, kind, family-oriented, really easy to talk to and be around, and get this, he communicates. We talk about the bigger topics, most of which he's brought up, and from what I can see so far, he would not only make a good partner, but a really good friend as well.
> 
> We chatted last night, and was told that there are 2 women that he is currently talking to and interested in, me being 1 of them. He knows I'm interested, and he knows that he's the only one that I'm spending any time with. I joked that I have some competition and for him to let me know if I need to get my boxing gloves out. He said that I don't have much competition (which he's also probably told the other woman), and went on to say that I surprised and impressed him with my positive attitude the last time we saw each other. It's his bday today, and I called him after 6am to wish him a great day. I also plan on baking him some bday muffins for the next time we get together.
> 
> So, my conundrum is this: do I keep up the positive attitude and fight for this man (who is most definitely worth fighting for), or do I take a step back so that I don't get hurt again? And how do I do either of these without looking like either an eager beaver or totally uninterested?


I don't know, but in the Hispanic world, men are the hunters and women are preys. In other cultures is the other way and that's why after some time in the relationship, men feel bored since he didn't acomplished anything. The prey came easily to him. But when the man have to figure out how to earn the woman's interest and heart, then he is learning she's worth something.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So you know for a fact that he's away for work 2 weeks at a time? Do you know for a fact that he works where he says he does and has the job that he says he has?
> 
> Have you seen his house and ensured that he actually lives there?
> 
> ...


None of this is good.

And please do not bake him any cupcakes- he is getting plenty of those.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You sound desperate. I know you don't like that but that's how you sound to me and to him. A man tells you he is seeing another woman and trying to decide between the two of you is a litmus test to see what you will do. So you decide to keep yourself in the running? No, not only step back, but drop him like a hot potato. He doesn't need you standing on your darned head trying to impress him to make sure he chooses you. That's what he wants and is the reason he told you that crap, but you shouldn't be doing it. He knows enough about you just like you know enough about him to know he's worth being interested in.

Have some doggoned self respect and extricate yourself from his 3 ring circus. There probably isn't another woman anyway. He probably just wanted you to become as desparate to be his choice as you did become.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Here's a song that might make you rethink "fighting" for his love:


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't dance to his tune, "Pick Me Dance". You should keep your options open.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Okay, I think I need some help off the ledge here. I met a man at the beginning of the month, and have met up with him twice. Twice because he works out of town, 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. On paper, and from what I know of him in-person, he's a great match for me, and exactly the type of man I'm looking for and need in my life. He's a homeowner, has a fantastic job, is stable and steady, has a calm manner, kind, family-oriented, really easy to talk to and be around, and get this, he communicates. We talk about the bigger topics, most of which he's brought up, and from what I can see so far, he would not only make a good partner, but a really good friend as well.
> 
> We chatted last night, and was told that there are 2 women that he is currently talking to and interested in, me being 1 of them. He knows I'm interested, and he knows that he's the only one that I'm spending any time with. I joked that I have some competition and for him to let me know if I need to get my boxing gloves out. He said that I don't have much competition (which he's also probably told the other woman), and went on to say that I surprised and impressed him with my positive attitude the last time we saw each other. It's his bday today, and I called him after 6am to wish him a great day. I also plan on baking him some bday muffins for the next time we get together.
> 
> So, my conundrum is this: do I keep up the positive attitude and fight for this man (who is most definitely worth fighting for), or do I take a step back so that I don't get hurt again? And how do I do either of these without looking like either an eager beaver or totally uninterested?


I know it is early days but what is his motivation to tell you he is dating another woman? I would like to think it is honesty but frankly think his motives are less than altruistic. It's a passive aggressive way of saying you have competition so you ought to treat me well. That for me would be a deal breaker. 

I assume you are old enough not to be playing games, teenagers play. If you are interested in him, you have to back off and perhaps date another few guys, (no harm). Most people (and men in particular) like challenges, presently you are not giving him any. I suppose he is thinking, 2 weeks with you and 2 weeks with her, he has told you (so you have no reason to complain) and he has the best of both worlds!
I would cool the relationship, do not be so available the next time. Calling him at 6am seems so eager, being eager is not good. In life usually one partner is more eager than the other and that partner is the one to lose out. Therefore be friendly, don't chase after him, date other men (you might find one who is really into you, he is not) go on dates with him if he asks, but don't be so overly interested.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

I dunno, my own approach is the wife/girlfriend routine where the pecking order is absolutely clear. Wife #1.

But when a man does have choices, the decisive long term issue (if he has any brains) is to choose the easiest one, meaning the drama-free team-mate. The one who makes your life so much easier. Choosing the psycho-***** sex slave is a Darwin Award nomination. 

It's a bit early to demand exclusivity, right? But you do need to have a plan on how long you are willing to accept this situation. He just might be cool with stringing you along, having his cake and eating it too.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

What kind of job takes a guy out of town for two weeks at regular intervals? Could it be the other woman, or worse, another family?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ursula said:


> We chatted last night, and was told that there are 2 women that he is currently talking to and interested in, me being 1 of them. He knows I'm interested, and he knows that he's the only one that I'm spending any time with.


Did he tell you or did you ask him? 

If he told you, what a braggard. If you asked him... OMG why did you? >.<

lol


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Also, as a general rule:

If a man tells you to your face he is dating someone else: He's full of sh-t.
If a man tells you to your face you are the only one: He's also full of sh-t.

If a man simply replies to your question: Well, you can't really tell now  (also why I'm like... if you DID ask him, why did you >.< lol )
If a man avoids the question: He's dating others, but doesn't mean he's a player.

GENERAL rule of course, just saying


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm not a man so I guess my perspective is wrong. I appreciate him being honest. I do question how it came up and the tone of the conversation. Is it possible he was trying to feel out how you feel about committing to being in a single relationship?

I'd worry about the pick me dance. I'd worry about the 2 on 2 off and if he's a trucker I'm surprised at the short phone calls. My nephew is a trucker and he'd love to talk the whole 8 hours even though he isn't much for conversation. It breaks up the boredom.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Too early for cupcakes.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You seem to be trying to hard to solidify a better relationship, or at least to find one that can become all that. I have no doubt you are a fabulous woman and an excellent catch, and you do deserve to have all that in your life, but pushing for it, and looking for it in places you are unlikely to find it, may ultimately be unproductive.
> 
> If I'm reading you and your situation correctly, I would advise slowing down a bit. Give up any and all expectations. If it comes, it comes; if not, just have some fun along the way and enjoy the ride. For it to occur, it has to do so more organically rather than because you forced it to. Forcing works well in some areas, but this isn't one of them.


Absolutely agree.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Ursula said:


> So, my conundrum is this: do I keep up the positive attitude and fight for this man (who is most definitely worth fighting for), or do I take a step back so that I don't get hurt again? And how do I do either of these without looking like either an eager beaver or totally uninterested?


I think it's too early to feel this invested and call me cynical or naive but I also wouldn't view you as being in competition. Either you dig one another or you don't. The options you present, although opposite, serve to control the situation - fight and be eager / step back and be uninterested. 

Discover and know your worth. Start there.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Okay, I think I need some help off the ledge here. I met a man at the beginning of the month, and have met up with him twice. Twice because he works out of town, 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. On paper, and from what I know of him in-person, he's a great match for me, and exactly the type of man I'm looking for and need in my life. He's a homeowner, has a fantastic job, is stable and steady, has a calm manner, kind, family-oriented, really easy to talk to and be around, and get this, he communicates. We talk about the bigger topics, most of which he's brought up, and from what I can see so far, he would not only make a good partner, but a really good friend as well.
> 
> We chatted last night, and was told that there are 2 women that he is currently talking to and interested in, me being 1 of them. He knows I'm interested, and he knows that he's the only one that I'm spending any time with. I joked that I have some competition and for him to let me know if I need to get my boxing gloves out. He said that I don't have much competition (which he's also probably told the other woman), and went on to say that I surprised and impressed him with my positive attitude the last time we saw each other. It's his bday today, and I called him after 6am to wish him a great day. I also plan on baking him some bday muffins for the next time we get together.
> 
> So, my conundrum is this: do I keep up the positive attitude and fight for this man (who is most definitely worth fighting for), or do I take a step back so that I don't get hurt again? And how do I do either of these without looking like either an eager beaver or totally uninterested?


Be positive, upbeat and keep high expectations. But only if that is honestly you. Don't fight. That looks desparate.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@inmyprime, of course, and training my STBXH wasn't what I had wanted to do either, but his Mom literally did everything for him, and even went so far as to say that he couldn't make a sandwich properly, so she would do it for him. When he moved in with me, he didn't even know how to check plants to see if they needed to be watered, and yes, I'm serious. I'm 39, and fully expect my next partner to know how to adult. If he doesn't, he's not going to be in my life. And after the short amount of time I've spent with this new man, I can only go by what he tells me. Knowing him will entail more time.
@EleGirl, I can only go by what he tells me about his work. He has sent me photos from where he is, and the terrain is much different from the big city where home base is. There's a possibility he could be lying, sure. I have seen his house, but haven't asked him for mortgage or legal documents for proof that his name is on them. On the flip side, if someone I just started seeing asked me for these things, I would tell them to get out of my house and to not come back. Uh, I didn't even think about the possibility of him having a wife. I feel a little sick to the stomach.
@Pepe1970, I don't want to be prey and I don't want to be hunted.
@StarFires, I'm extricating myself not only from this one, but also from all the others I've met and am still in contact with, I think. This has gotten scary, and it's too much. I know people have baggage, but I can't deal with wives and being the other woman and breaking up a family.
@Roselyn, as of this past weekend, my options were being kept open, and I had met up with someone for a second date and had also met someone new (who also works 2 weeks on/off up north). After coming online and reading the weekend comments though, I'm freaked out and think I'm too scared to keep any options open. ALL of these guys could be married, or have girlfriends and just want something on the side for fun. I don't want to be that. Two of these guys have kids for God's sake, or at least they tell me they do. I've seen photos of only 1, but hey I'm very proficient in Photoshop, and work with 3 others who are as well. There are lots of us out there who know that software well.
@aine, I didn't think he's "dating" another woman; he told me that there are 2 that he's interested in: me and another. After reading some of the comments though, I realize how stupid I've been. She can have him, and yes we're both old enough to not play games, but no I won't be dating others. I can't do this anymore. My plan right now is to find either a higher paying job, or a second job, save enough money to adopt a child and do the single Mom thing. For the record, I called him at 6am because of his work schedule, plus I had another silly date that evening and I wouldn't be home until too late to call. Have another date tonight with the same man I saw Friday, and am now so freaked that I'm cancelling.
@[email protected], apparently, he's a safety coordinator for a construction company up north (I'm in Canada; this is a popular industry for a lot of men and women; mostly men). I googled him and did find some credentials and LinkedIn, but those could just be well-written stories as well.
@RandomDude, I'm sorry, I'm wracking my brain and cannot remember who brought it up first. And thanks for the clarification on men being full of sh*t; I'm guessing that all of them are always this way from what you said. 
@heartsbeating, yes, I know my worth, and I'm worth more than being with a lying, narcissistic @sshole who's probably already in a relationship where he works hours away, who's full of sh*i and is just using me. I'm stepping way back, and giving him loads of space. If he contacts me, I'll still talk to him, but won't be making plans with him.

My God, this whole dating game is scary and ridiculous and disheartening. I've found jerks who don't even try to hide the fact that they're jerks (and I actually give them kudos for being like that), and then there are jerks who masquerade as good guys. How do people DO this, as in find someone who you know isn't lying about who they are, if they're married, if they have a secret family and life somewhere? I wondered why I've met so many men who work the 2-week up north schedule. I can't do this anymore. Now I know why most of my best friends are single and have given up the dream of having a family. This seriously makes me regret asking for a divorce. I was desperately unhappy, but at least I knew what I was in the middle of. Jokes on me, and STBXH can get the last laugh.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Hang in there Ursula. Take time and focus on you. The right guy will come along eventually. Hugs.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Also, as a general rule:
> 
> *If a man tells you to your face he is dating someone else: He's full of sh-t.
> If a man tells you to your face you are the only one: He's also full of sh-t.*
> ...


Just re-reading to make sure I caught everything. As to the bolded, why do you insinuate that all men are cheaters or have multiple partners? What signs should I be looking for? How can I tell that my STBXH cheated on me? Not that that matters anymore, but I obviously missed the signs.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

anastasia6 said:


> I'm not a man so I guess my perspective is wrong. I appreciate him being honest. I do question how it came up and the tone of the conversation. *Is it possible he was trying to feel out how you feel about committing to being in a single relationship?*
> 
> I'd worry about the pick me dance. I'd worry about the 2 on 2 off and if he's a trucker I'm surprised at the short phone calls. *My nephew is a trucker and he'd love to talk the whole 8 hours even though he isn't much for conversation. It breaks up the boredom.*


To the first bolded, I naively thought this was the case, but am now second guessing his motives. To the second bolded, I'm told that they guy is a safety coordinator, sometimes in the office, sometimes in the field. Weekends are a little slower for him at work apparently, so I've talked to him during the day this past weekend, but he's about as able to be on the phone all day as I am at work. And, that would drive me nuts anyways, as I hate talking on the phone for more than about 15-20 minutes. Talking all day sounds juvenile and a waste of time past the age of about 15.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ursula said:


> Just re-reading to make sure I caught everything. As to the bolded, why do you insinuate that all men are cheaters or have multiple partners? What signs should I be looking for? How can I tell that my STBXH cheated on me? Not that that matters anymore, but I obviously missed the signs.


Errr, I was saying that more in the context of dating lol 

Not in the case of a relationship


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I wouldn't assume the worst in this guy for no reason. It's just as possible that he was being straightforward and honest with you. In my opinion, it's very premature to conclude he's hiding a secret family, or he's a pathological narcissist. Why not hang out with him until he gives you an actual reason to not trust him, or you stop having fun with him?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

You don't sound ready for a relationship, to be honest. Based on questions and comments from fairly anonymous folks on a message board you've completely flipped 180 degrees and are now talking about forging the way to single motherhood alone. Based on your use of acronyms, I'm guessing you're not even divorced yet. 

Chill out. Take a breather from dating, let your divorce become final and take a year or so to figure yourself out before you even think about dating again.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm not sure I have anything for your specific situation but here are some random insights I have learned over the years. Apply them or ignore them as you see fit -

- There's no rush. The sun will come out tomorrow, prices will rise, politicians will lie, taxes will rise, flowers will bloom and birds will chirp whether you find true, lasting love today or not.

- Don't invest what you aren't willing to lose.

- having multiple options is good. the more options you have, the less likely you are to do something out of fear or desperation. 

- there is such a thing as leagues. You have to be in the league you want to play in. 

- all desirable people are going to be desired by other people. you're either going to have to walk out onto the field and play the game or take up with that fat guy with the Tupperware-bowl haircut and orange fingers from eating Cheetos while he plays Play Station in his mom's basement all day. 

- That being said, what is important is not whether or not you have to compete with others (you do), what is key is whether or not your efforts are being reciprocated and whether you are making any real headway or not. 

In other words, are your efforts being noticed and reciprocated and you are getting an acceptable return on your investment? 

Or is your plate simply being spun a little bit before it falls off the stick while he is spinning all the other plates?

- there will be dead-ends, no-shows, flakes, players, desperados, married men looking for side dishes and man-boys playing video games in the mom's basement. 

- But there will be legits too and the legits will also have options and they won't be making their decisions based on fear or desperation either. You simply have to be best available option for them. (and "best" will be based on their own personal criteria)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ursula said:


> This seriously makes me regret asking for a divorce. I was desperately unhappy, but at least I knew what I was in the middle of. Jokes on me, and STBXH can get the last laugh.


I understand your frustration boiling over and why you would say something like this. 

But I do disagree with it strongly. 

You may be frustrated at the moment. But as a free, single woman, the whole world is your oyster (keeping in mind that oysters can get rotten and stinky too LOL ).

Every day is new day with new possibilities and opportunities. Each day you can make your own destiny. 

When you are stuck in a miserable marriage, you are simply stuck. You KNOW it's going to suck and you know it's going to suck that day and the next day and the next and so on..........

As a free person, yes you are going to have some sucky days thrown in. But you also have the possibility that any given day can also be awesome.......and the next day may be even awesomer and next Tuesday may even be amazingly awesome. 

In a sucky marriage, you know next Tuesday will suck. Next Wed may suck even more. 

You're gonna get kicked in the teeth a few times on this journey. But it's better than teeth simply rotting out day by MFing day every day in a lousy marriage.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> You don't sound ready for a relationship, to be honest. Based on questions and comments from fairly anonymous folks on a message board you've completely flipped 180 degrees and are now talking about forging the way to single motherhood alone. Based on your use of acronyms, I'm guessing you're not even divorced yet.
> 
> Chill out. Take a breather from dating, let your divorce become final and take a year or so to figure yourself out before you even think about dating again.


I'd love to be able to have time on my side to do this, but I want a family and am turning 40 next week. So, I feel the need to get a jump on things. Not saying that I'm going to get married by the end of the year, because I'm not. But, I'm ready to start to get to know someone, and feel that there's nothing wrong in doing that. I'm not quite divorced yet no, but my marriage was over for me long before it was actually over, so I don't feel like I'm jumping into things too fast should I choose to pursue this avenue.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> - all desirable people are going to be desired by other people. you're either going to have to walk out onto the field and play the game or take up with that fat guy with the Tupperware-bowl haircut and orange fingers from eating Cheetos while he plays Play Station in his mom's basement all day.
> 
> - That being said, what is important is not whether or not you have to compete with others (you do), what is key is whether or not your efforts are being reciprocated and whether you are making any real headway or not.
> 
> ...


I want to address this a little deeper because I think this is what applies to your situation the most. 

A single, professional, fit/healthy, middle age man with social skills who wants to make a home and family with someone is going to have many options and opportunities. There is no working around the fact that other women are going to be running and gunning for him. You're going to have to compete in one fashion or another if you want a man like that vs the man-child playing video games in his mom's basement. 

What's going to be key is to evaluate how your investment is paying off. Are your efforts and investments paying dividends and being reciprocated? Are you making headway? 

Actions are going to speak much louder than words. 

Are your efforts being reciprocated and are things moving forward in a meaningful manner or is he coming around right before your plate falls off it's stick to give it a quick twirl before he runs off to give another one of his plates a twirl before it falls?

Is he making an effort and rising to challenge and making any sacrifice to be with you? Are his efforts commensurate with yours? 

Are there two of you working together to build a future together, or does he give your plate a quick spin to shut you up in the moment when your plate begins to wobble?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Ursula said:


> I'd love to be able to have time on my side to do this, but I want a family and am turning 40 next week. So, I feel the need to get a jump on things. Not saying that I'm going to get married by the end of the year, because I'm not. But, I'm ready to start to get to know someone, and feel that there's nothing wrong in doing that. I'm not quite divorced yet no, but my marriage was over for me long before it was actually over, so I don't feel like I'm jumping into things too fast should I choose to pursue this avenue.



I don't mean to sound so ...defeatist...but, this sort of desperation rarely, if ever, ends well. 

Maybe you should see a doctor to determine where your fertility stands at this point before you go trying to force a relationship or taking the first willing thing that comes along in order to have a natural kid.

It just seems that you're all over the place....one day over here, next day you're wayyyyyy over there. This is not evidence of stability.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not sure I have anything for your specific situation but here are some random insights I have learned over the years. Apply them or ignore them as you see fit -
> 
> - There's no rush. The sun will come out tomorrow, prices will rise, politicians will lie, taxes will rise, flowers will bloom and birds will chirp whether you find true, lasting love today or not.
> 
> ...


The bolded text all really hit home to me, thanks for posting that. I think I let the posts get to me a bit yesterday when people started saying what a liar this guy is and that he's probably married with a family elsewhere. In all seriousness, that could be true. I've mostly met dead ends and players or grown men still living with their parents, and it's been disheartening. I had a date last night, and after yesterday I was most definitely going to tell him I was sick and couldn't meet him, but against my better judgement, I went, and had a really nice time. This man (who lives and works locally) plays the part of being genuine very well, if he is in fact playing. If he's not playing, then he's a rare, genuine person who's comfortable to be around and who's company I like. We'll see; I won't be trusting anything about him too fast, and I also need to talk to him about more than common interests and lifestyles. I need to ask some hard questions and get some honest answers.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I understand your frustration boiling over and why you would say something like this.
> 
> But I do disagree with it strongly.
> 
> ...


Yep, that is so very, very true. Life is stressful and it's not been fun over these last few months, but both STBXH and I are both FAR better off without being married. We're both great people; we're just not great together. Messages that made me consider the scary side of things got the better of me yesterday, and it freaked me out to the point where it just wasn't worth it anymore. We'll see what the future brings, and go from there.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> I don't mean to sound so ...defeatist...but, this sort of desperation rarely, if ever, ends well.
> 
> Maybe you should see a doctor to determine where your fertility stands at this point before you go trying to force a relationship or taking the first willing thing that comes along in order to have a natural kid.
> 
> It just seems that you're all over the place....one day over here, next day you're wayyyyyy over there. This is not evidence of stability.


Everyone is entitled to opinions, and I think this is where a lot of my wavering comes from. Online, people give a variety of opinions from one end of the spectrum to the other. I've gotten some saying to just ride the wave and see where it goes, and others saying that he's a piece of sh*t liar who probably has a wife and kids. It's enough to make anyone freak out a little. And, I'm not desperate, nor am I trying to force anything with the first willing man to come along. Had I done that, I'd be in a relationship with a guy who lives over an hour away and who drinks and parties way too much for his early 40s. No thanks!

One thing I will agree with you on is seeing a doctor to determine my chances of fertility, and have thought about asking my family doctor about this. That way, I'll at least know my chances.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not sure I have anything for your specific situation but here are some random insights I have learned over the years. Apply them or ignore them as you see fit -
> 
> - There's no rush. The sun will come out tomorrow, prices will rise, politicians will lie, taxes will rise, flowers will bloom and birds will chirp whether you find true, lasting love today or not.
> 
> ...


Just wanted to say you type some good ****, old shirt.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Everyone is entitled to opinions, and I think this is where a lot of my wavering comes from. Online, people give a variety of opinions from one end of the spectrum to the other. I've gotten some saying to just ride the wave and see where it goes, and others saying that he's a piece of sh*t liar who probably has a wife and kids. It's enough to make anyone freak out a little. And, I'm not desperate, nor am I trying to force anything with the first willing man to come along. Had I done that, I'd be in a relationship with a guy who lives over an hour away and who drinks and parties way too much for his early 40s. No thanks!
> 
> One thing I will agree with you on is seeing a doctor to determine my chances of fertility, and have thought about asking my family doctor about this. That way, I'll at least know my chances.


My advice Ursula. SLOW down!!!

I am now married. I did the online dating thing. I wanted a long term relationship with a woman, I had 2 or 3 going at one time usually. I knew they weren’t going to work out, but they were fun at the time, and they were usually gorgeous. Had a bipolar one, one two hours away that had a young kid and was hard to communicate with due to accent- both incredibly beautiful women. The one with the thick accent was a great lady, I think. I broke it off with both when I met my wife— not online.

You’ll have a guy who will break things off for you, when the right one comes along. Be patient. Yes, guys will date you for fun with no real intentions to marry you. If that’s the case, you can tell by their actions. They won’t keep moving closer. Things will plateau.

Patience. You may need to give up the kids dream. adoption is great, but if you meet the right guy, you may regret it. Give it time. You’re not even divorced yet.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think the getting fertility tested is a great idea. Then you will have more information, know what's even possible or not. I think they can test you to see your fertility status-- if you are still ovulating, even how many eggs you have left!! Why not call tomorrow and get the ball rolling?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Ursula,

Could I make a suggestion? I'm 55yo and somewhat recently single because my Dear Hubby died. And I totally get the idea that you are 40 and would like to have a family and "clocks ticking dude!" LOL  

But after my divorce when I was dating, and now when I'm no longer married and technically single, there's one really simple thing I do to find a good guy: just be the best me that I can. I don't worry about dating or finding men or any of that stuff. I literally just get to know myself, get to like myself, do stuff I enjoy, be kind to other people who are doing the same things I enjoy, and eventually I have confidence I'll hit it off with someone... OR NOT. And if I don't, it's fine because I'm still the best me I can be. I'm still doing things I would passionately do anyway. I'm still pursuing being a better person, so I'll always have "being a better person"! 

I also do have a few things in my head that I consider like they are a "rule" if you will. I won't accept any kind of abuse period, end of discussion. I don't click well with someone who is a drama-queen because I'm really mellow and drama makes my stomach hurt.  I don't fit with someone super high-energy, yelling and screaming with ambition--but I also don't fit with someone still living in mom's basement either! So as I got to know me, I got to know "the kind of man" who would fit well with me and who wouldn't. Well... probably 90% of the guys are okay human beings but not "of interest" to me because they aren't a good romantic fit. The 10% that are a good romantic fit may or may not like me. And thus, it gets kind of narrowed down to the point eventually where you make a choice. 

To me, as I read your posts, you sound a little like you're rushing or pushing your own self to "get a date" (maybe not the guys per se, I can't tell)...so that you can meet someone nice and have a family. But it doesn't really sound like you have spent that much time to know and like YOU and then figure out the kind of guy who would be comfortable with you in your skin. 

Here's the thing: you can't know until you talk with a guy a couple times online or via text, and then meet a couple times whether he's even potentially interesting. If someone said to me "I've got 2 girls I'm interested in and you're one of them!" I'd think "Well, good luck with that cuz actually there's only the one!" LOL Then again I'm a little feisty that way  I'm not doing the "Pick Me" dance. Yeah I hope some day that someone picks me, but if I have to dance just to get attention, no. I think what we're both looking for here is someone who'd see us enter a room and drop their jaw and say "Wow I want to get to know HER! Who is SHE?" Right? 

I don't think it's a matter of "fighting for him." **** let him take the other gal out for a spin, but here's my thought: you ditch me to try her out, you ain't getting back in this driver's seat! LOL


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Ursula, I'm late, but wanted to say just two things.

First, go freeze eggs now, if you haven't already. If you really want children, you need to prepare without a man, because a man is not a guarantee at this point. Do the best for your desired future. If you never use them because you never have to, then you haven't lost much. But you'll be kicking yourself if you find a good man but it's too late or too difficult/expensive to conceive, and it WILL affect that relationship in negative ways. I wouldn't normally give this advice to a younger woman, but when biology is working against you, there are no fairy tale endings. If you're open to other options (adoption, surrogacy), then you have more to consider and less urgency behind you. 

Second, as was already stated, don't fight for a man who wants to be fought for. If you are your authentic self and he likes that, then it's decision time for him. Do not play the pick me dance. No one wants to be settled for. 

Until you discuss exclusivity, you aren't exclusive. So don't go out of your way to live like you are. I don't mean multi-date, I mean, invest less in someone who is not giving 100% of their own attention to you. Go have a life, do things without him. Go freeze your eggs.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I understand the clock ticking and all that but ask yourself if you're ready for parenting an infant at 41 or 42. We did it at 38 and it was no fun. This should be a first topic to discuss, not wait after 3 months type of thing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ursala, I think you should just enjoy the 'dating' with no thought of an end game. When the right one comes along, it will work out. I sense you are putting too much pressure on yourself.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Affaircare, first off, I'm really sorry to hear about your DH. The one thing you said that stuck was "just be the best me that I can be", and to be honest, that's what I'm doing. I keep busy in my real life. Like, really busy. I hold down a full time job, and run 2 small home-based businesses. I have 2 dogs, a house with a yard that I built on my own 8 years ago. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen. If I'm not making something for my apothecary, I'm cooking/baking food. I'm have a lot of hobbies and a great family and friend support system who I spend a lot of time with. I also putter around the house, and usually have at least 1 project going in my "spare time". Whoever ends up with me is going to have to fit into all of that because I love my life. I simply just want to find someone to share an already lovely life with, and am apparently coming across as desperate, when really, I'm just incredibly frustrated. I'm not pushing myself to get a date, and in fact am really tired of the whole process. I've kept track of everyone that I've met since joining Match in December, and I've: met 27 men and have gone on approximately 55 dates. I'm tired, and while I would love to find someone to just slow down with for awhile, I myself just need a break. I'm sorry, but I don't really see what I'm doing as the pick-me dance with the guy from up north. I see the situation as me being myself with someone that I'm comfortable with, and if he chooses me to keep hanging out with, great. If he chooses the other girl, then she's a better match for him at this time, and he's not the right one for me. The scenario that you describe, as a woman walking into a room and having some guy's jaw drop would never happen to me. I'm not a "looker". Yes, I'm 40, but I look at least 10 years younger, which is great and I'm thankful to be blessed with great genes, but it doesn't help when hoping to attract a man of around 40 years of age. I'm not generally given the time of day, and not given a chance for a conversation.
@Satya, good thoughts, thank-you, and this is something I'll consider looking into! And yes, I'm absolutely open to other options. Hell I'm even open to just finding a man with a family already and joining them. Sure, I wouldn't be giving birth (which obviously is the preferred option), but even being a stepmom would be nice.
@john117, good point, and that is something to really think about. I already have a full life, and it would take time to get to know someone well enough to consider having a child with them, so yeah, I'd be looking at at least 42, which is pushing it (for me). I have a lot to chew on here.

As an update, I met someone earlier this month, and have seen him 3 times now. He's not physically the type of man I would normally be attracted to, but his personality makes him shine. He's very nice, genuine, a dog lover and a Dad to teenagers, he, like me, lives a keto lifestyle and could teach me a thing or two in the gym, respectful and mindful of those around him, and just easy and comfortable to be around. We'll keep hanging out and see where it goes.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Sharing a keto lifestyle with someone is a huge plus because it affects your lives all day, everyday. It's a great foundation to share that can bring you closer. Conversely, not sharing it with a partner can create a big disconnect. I'm happy for you.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Ursula said:


> @Affaircare, first off, I'm really sorry to hear about your DH. The one thing you said that stuck was "just be the best me that I can be", and to be honest, that's what I'm doing. I keep busy in my real life. Like, really busy. I hold down a full time job, and run 2 small home-based businesses. I have 2 dogs, a house with a yard that I built on my own 8 years ago. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen. If I'm not making something for my apothecary, I'm cooking/baking food. I'm have a lot of hobbies and a great family and friend support system who I spend a lot of time with. I also putter around the house, and usually have at least 1 project going in my "spare time". Whoever ends up with me is going to have to fit into all of that because I love my life. I simply just want to find someone to share an already lovely life with, and am apparently coming across as desperate, when really, I'm just incredibly frustrated. I'm not pushing myself to get a date, and in fact am really tired of the whole process. I've kept track of everyone that I've met since joining Match in December, and I've: met 27 men and have gone on approximately 55 dates. I'm tired, and while I would love to find someone to just slow down with for awhile, I myself just need a break. I'm sorry, but I don't really see what I'm doing as the pick-me dance with the guy from up north. I see the situation as me being myself with someone that I'm comfortable with, and if he chooses me to keep hanging out with, great. If he chooses the other girl, then she's a better match for him at this time, and he's not the right one for me. The scenario that you describe, as a woman walking into a room and having some guy's jaw drop would never happen to me. I'm not a "looker". Yes, I'm 40, but I look at least 10 years younger, which is great and I'm thankful to be blessed with great genes, but it doesn't help when hoping to attract a man of around 40 years of age. I'm not generally given the time of day, and not given a chance for a conversation.
> 
> @Satya, good thoughts, thank-you, and this is something I'll consider looking into! And yes, I'm absolutely open to other options. Hell I'm even open to just finding a man with a family already and joining them. Sure, I wouldn't be giving birth (which obviously is the preferred option), but even being a stepmom would be nice.
> 
> ...


Not to be a Debbie downer but most likely you will not have biological children. Fertility in women over 40 is very limited. Most women over 40 have to do fertility treatments and most are not successful without donor eggs (I unfortunately waited too long to have kids as well but eventually adopted). I will also say as an older mom with young kids. Its very hard. 

I say all this to say, you shouldnt view any of your dates as potential fathers. That shouldnt come across in your thinking at all. At this point, you need to look at it as finding a life partner to enjoy the rest of your life with. Most likely, it will be sans kids (or maybe his). I would not wait around for any man but date, date, date. Its a numbers game. And it does seem like you have been out there. But just wanted to give you the heads up. I was lacking in regards to fertility. I am from a generation that did not tell us our clocks are pretty much done by 40


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

bkyln309 said:


> Not to be a Debbie downer but most likely you will not have biological children. Fertility in women over 40 is very limited. Most women over 40 have to do fertility treatments and most are not successful without donor eggs (I unfortunately waited too long to have kids as well but eventually adopted). I will also say as an older mom with young kids. Its very hard.
> 
> I say all this to say, you shouldnt view any of your dates as potential fathers. That shouldnt come across in your thinking at all. At this point, you need to look at it as finding a life partner to enjoy the rest of your life with. Most likely, it will be sans kids (or maybe his). I would not wait around for any man but date, date, date. Its a numbers game. And it does seem like you have been out there. But just wanted to give you the heads up. I was lacking in regards to fertility. I am from a generation that did not tell us our clocks are pretty much done by 40


I happen to agree with you, not only because of age, but because getting pregnant seems to be very hard for women in my immediate family. My Mom got pregnant at 22 with my sibling, then had me at 30 and miscarried once in between there. My sister started trying to get pregnant at around 40, couldn't do it naturally, so she tried IVF 4 times unsuccessfully. I've always been the black sheep and anomaly in the family, so maybe this would also be the case here, but who knows, and I'm certainly not holding my breath. And I'm sorry, but being a family man is something that's important to me, whether kids be biological, adopted, through surrogacy or fostering. Or maybe he's a Dad already. I would still like that family structure, no matter how it happens, so being with someone who also wants that, and would be a good Dad is really important to me. So yes, that is something on my short list of considerations in a man. But I do agree in that he also has to be a fantastic life partner. And for the record, I have been putting myself out there, so much so that I'm exhausted from it. I'm tired of meeting new guys for first dates and tired of leaving my dogs alone for yet another evening. Plus, 55 dates in 90 days is a date every 1.6 days, which to me, is insane.


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

Ursula said:


> So, my conundrum is this: do I keep up the positive attitude and fight for this man (who is most definitely worth fighting for), or do I take a step back so that I don't get hurt again? And how do I do either of these without looking like either an eager beaver or totally uninterested?


I would neither take a step back nor fight for him. Maintain the status quo of what you've been doing, as though there is no other competition involved.

The "getting hurt" thing is part and parcel of intimate relationships. I don't think you can sidestep that one. If you were to take a step back, for example, you could very well "get hurt" by hurting yourself and your chances of having something it sounds like you'd value a great deal.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I guess this is a little off topic but maybe not too much...
What kind of dogs do you have?
Can one or all go with you on outings here and there?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

gowithuhtred said:


> I guess this is a little off topic but maybe not too much...
> What kind of dogs do you have?
> Can one or all go with you on outings here and there?


I have 2 rescues: a havanese and a shih tzu cross, and this new man has 2 black lab rescue dogs. Yes, all of our dogs would be able to come on excursions with us, no problem! I'm not sure how all 4 dogs would do getting along together, but I suppose time may tell. It's also nice that he's such a dog person; my male is incredibly hard to win over, and in a very short time, my boy was in his lap, wanting to give kisses. He obviously knows how to handle dogs, which pleases me a lot.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ursula said:


> I'm tired of meeting new guys for first dates and tired of leaving my dogs alone for yet another evening. Plus, 55 dates in 90 days is a date every 1.6 days, which to me, is insane.


That is insane, lol - and exhausting! Take a break from it all hon. Just focus on your home, dogs and family. Who knows? You may meet the man of your dreams at the supermarket at 8am on a Saturday morning, you'll be wearing no makeup, your hair won't be done, but he'll think you're the most beautiful thing he's ever seen 

You're overthinking this way too much sweets, 3 dates is nothing...you can't "really like him" because you don't really know him! He's multi dating, so you should be too - even just the mindset of it, keep going about your life as though he's not even in it. 

Don't ever do the "pick me" dance. No way. You're better than that. If this goes on and you become uncomfortable with it just walk away.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

When I was seriously dating, I'd do no more than 3 a week so I could have enough time to focus on wholesome me things, like gardening.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ursula said:


> I have 2 rescues: a havanese and a shih tzu cross, and this new man has 2 black lab rescue dogs. Yes, all of our dogs would be able to come on excursions with us, no problem! I'm not sure how all 4 dogs would do getting along together, but I suppose time may tell. It's also nice that he's such a dog person; my male is incredibly hard to win over, and in a very short time, my boy was in his lap, wanting to give kisses. He obviously knows how to handle dogs, which pleases me a lot.


IMHO it's always great to take our dogs out. Or was, after 15 yrs last yr both very sadly had to be put to sleep.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

gowithuhtred said:


> IMHO it's always great to take our dogs out. Or was, after 15 yrs last yr both very sadly had to be put to sleep.


Oh God, I'm so sorry. It's always so hard to lose a furry (or feathered or finned, etc.) family member. They become such important parts of our lives, and are on Earth for _way_ too short a time.


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