# No more sex in this marriage.



## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

So of course, my problem is with my sex-less marriage. I'm at wit's end. Actually, I've been at wits end for over a year and I'm just trying/hope/waiting for her to change. But, from the looks of it, this will not happen.

Here is a little background info. I'm 28 years old, been married for 3 years but I have been living with my wife for 10 years now. In my eyes, we've been married 10 years since marriage is just paperwork. The first 7 years of our realitionship was great. We had LOTS of sex, and I do mean a lot. We keep a calander from each year where we mark each day with how many times we had sex. First 7 years we had sex about 2 times a day even if she is on her period. A handfull of times during the week and 4-5 times a day during weekends. After we offically got married, this average started to decline and at a rapid pace. Now after 3 years marriage, I'm luck to get any once ever month but it seems to be about once other month I get 'lucky'... 

The problem I'm having is, well not enough sex. I don't think I'm boring in bed, I have millions of ideas that I want to try with her still. I'm very creative in bed and I always make sure she gets off at least once. Sometimes I have to go down on her for about an hour to accompish this, sometimes it happens in the first few minutes. Until recently I would always say I'm 100% happy with every aspect of my marriage. Now, I'm thinking about leaving it due to this lack of sex.

Now before you start saying 'talk to her'.. let me fill you all in. I have talked to her, many times, in a very calm manner. I've never yelled or said anything like 'you don't hump me enough". I will always sit her down and tell her that I've noticed her sex drive seems very low. This is enough for her to get mad, no PISSED at me. I tried writing her a letter and mailing it to her at our house, tired using instant message to see if maybe my voice came off as angry, I've even asked that we see a marriage or sex counsler, all of this just makes her more and more angry. I swear she's going to turn green and scream "HULK SMASH" if I bring it up again. So it's not like I've just gone into the room all yelled at her. I've always taken every precaution I can think of not to hurt her feelings. 

So for the last year, its been 10x's worse then its ever been before. I don't get Bj's at all or laid. I can't fool around with her, she won't let me or doesn't want too.

This is starting to effect me emotionally. I feel so alone, lost, and broken hearted. Ya, the sex isn't there, but I feel lost without having that close intament time with her. Pleaseing her (and of course getting pleasure) was always a key thing to me. I provide as a husband, make sure the bills get paid and their is food on the table (which I do all the cooking/shopping btw). she always says to her mom and friends on how much of a great husband I am. Yet I don't get laid and its killing me. I hate being married now, and I'm staring to resent my wife for doing this. 

Now this is her "REASONS" to why she won't have sex anymore.
1. She got off the pill about 5-6months ago after a 10 year run with it. (no we are not trying to have kids). So her hormones are all jacked up and she says she has no libido.
2. She's always 'tired'.. no matter what.. Had her go to the doctor, they said low thyroid, she's on pills for that and still tired.. had her double check with docter and her thyroid levels are good now. Yet she is still 'tired' all the time.

To me, it seems like she is bored with me or getting it elsewhere. I'm so fed up with this not getting laid crap. I've never cheated, but I can say now that I've signed up for ashelymadison.com and I'm looking to cheat because she won't listen, she won't lift a damn finger to change a thing, and I'm sick and tired of feeling like crap, being depressed because the person I love and care for the most in my life won't touch me.

Why does this happen? Almost every guy I know thats married says "at some point in time, the sex just goes away".. I find this to be bullshi*.. I find my wife hotter and hotter every single day. She is 5, 10 and used to weigh 130lbs.. now she is 155 and she says "i'm fat" all the time, but I love the extra lbs. she put on. I mean she is so sexy, I tell her all the time on how beautiful I think she is and still, I get nothing. What the hell is wrong with me?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Just an observation - sex is different for men and women - women tend to regard sex as an emotional response to prior met needs. My guess is that there is some work you need to be doing that you have not. What I mean is, while sex is a huge need for you - there is probably something that she needs from you that is not being provided.

If you wish you save your marriage - you'll need to take a good look at where you are not coming through for her. Its quite easy to see where she isn't coming through for you! The problem is in finding and then actually working on your own part in this issue.

Might be that it could take a bit longer - but if you work at it - you can have it back within a few months.

Check this link


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

Thanks for the info, i'll check out that link as well.

My question then is, if I keep asking her and trying to find out what she is missing, and she won't tell me, then what? 

Any tricks on how to find out what she is missing since she won't tell me?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

aw9d said:


> Thanks for the info, i'll check out that link as well.
> 
> My question then is, if I keep asking her and trying to find out what she is missing, and she won't tell me, then what?
> 
> Any tricks on how to find out what she is missing since she won't tell me?



Oh I got LOTS o' those!

One thing you can do is get her involved in discussing _your_ problems. People love to tell others what's wrong with them. Might feel uncomfortable for you - but the result is a good marriage. Worth a bit of hard work at first...

You don't want to do it blatantly - you always want to be honest and humble - but women generally are open to the idea of a man wanting to make himself a better friend, etc. 

On the website I gave you, you'll see some questionnaires - one is called the Love Busters Questionnaire and the other is called the Emotional Needs Questionnaire 

Print out a couple of copies of each.

The idea is to get her to take these quizzes. But you don't want to force her to do it. Try something like (in your OWN words, of course...):

"I've been thinking about the ways I make you mad, or hurt you, in our marriage, and I am really sorry I do stuff like that. A lot of the time, I don't really even know I'm doing it till its already done - I'd sure like to avoid that. I've been kinda looking into it and I found a cool quiz that helps me understand what I do that is annoying you..

Let her take the Love Busters' Quiz...

You can use the same technique for the Emotional Needs one.

Basically, stay away from any behavior that is seen as controlling or demanding. Stay away from pleading for her to take the quizzes.

Honestly let her know that you believe you have been kind of a jerk (or whatever) and have made her feel uncomfortable - and you'd like to find ways to treat her better.

And don't appear needy - if anything, that is a huge turn-off for most people. 

Most women love to discuss relationship stuff. Once she gets into the questionnaires, you may find that you have awakened a 'relationship monster' - you could easily get her involved in working on the marriage - because you are genuinely interested in her -and not just sex (which is what she most likely perceives things right now)


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

Thanks for all the info and ideas.. I've printed out a few copies of the links you gave me and I will sit down with her tonight and see if we can fill these out and go over them. I'm hoping for the best!


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## happywoman (May 26, 2010)

hi.can i ask what do you do after you have had sex with your wife.


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## happywoman (May 26, 2010)

do you cuddle after you have had sex or do you go away because we like to have a cuddle afterwords.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

For the moment lets ignore sex - I know its tough - hey I am a guy also. But just for now lets do a quick exercise. Outside the bedroom who is more loving? For instance, in an average week:

Which of you:
- Says "I love you" more
- Says "I love you" first
- Compliments the other person more (you look beautiful today, wow that was a great dinner you just cooked)
- Approaches the other for a hug / a friendly kiss/peck more?
- Does acts of service for the other (cooking/cleaning/etc)
- Gifts the other person more (flowers, cards, chocolates, etc)
- Asks the other to spend time together hanging out/going out to a movie/playing a sport?
- Approaches the other person to say hello and discuss your day when you first get home from work/school? 

When you have a disagreement which of you typically approaches the other person first to "break the ice"? 

Does the person who approaches just act nice and ignore the prior argument, or do they apologize? 

When your wife does something unfair/wrong to you, does she usually apologize, or usually refuse to apologize/refuse to admit she did anything wrong?

When you do something unfair/wrong to her, does you usually apologize, or usually refuse to apologize/refuse to admit you did anything wrong?

Lets say your wife does something that is very clearly unfair/wrong to you. How do you act towards her until it is resolved? 

How long are you comfortable letting a fight go on simply by not speaking to her - other than about necessary things like scheduling/division of household labor? 

Would you say you have a healthy fear of your wife? Meaning, if you have made a mistake (normal stuff - not crazy things like cheating) lets say you were supposed to be home by 6 because she is cooking a really nice dinner for you, but you had to work late and forgot to call. Suddenly you realize you are already late. Do you think - uh oh - I am in serious trouble and I am fearful/concerned that she is going to be really mad at me? 

Would you say she has a healthy fear of you? 

This question is first for you to her, and then her to you:
How often, when you/she are in the wrong, and the other person brings it up, do you apologize and admit your error. How often do you calmly just state they are wrong, (even when you both know they aren't) and how often do you get angry at them for challenging you and attack them. 

Have you stayed in shape? How do you look compared to when she first met you? 

What changed/if anything in your marriage around the time she started to cut way back on sex? 





aw9d said:


> Thanks for all the info and ideas.. I've printed out a few copies of the links you gave me and I will sit down with her tonight and see if we can fill these out and go over them. I'm hoping for the best!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

For the moment lets ignore sex - I know its tough - hey I am a guy also. But just for now lets do a quick exercise. Outside the bedroom who is more loving? For instance, in an average week:

Which of you:
- Says "I love you" more
- Says "I love you" first
- Texts the other more/first?
- Calls the other more/first?
- Compliments the other person more (you look beautiful today, wow that was a great dinner you just cooked)
- Approaches the other for a hug / a friendly kiss/peck more?
- Does more acts of service for the other (cooking/cleaning/etc)
- Gifts the other person more (flowers, cards, chocolates, etc)
- Asks the other more often to spend time together hanging out/going out to a movie/playing a sport?
- Approaches the other person more often to say hello and discuss your day when you first get home from work/school? 

When you have a disagreement which of you typically approaches the other person first to "break the ice"? 

Does the person who approaches just act nice and ignore the prior argument, or do they apologize? 

When your wife does something unfair/wrong to you, does she usually apologize, or usually refuse to apologize/refuse to admit she did anything wrong?

When you do something unfair/wrong to her, does you usually apologize, or usually refuse to apologize/refuse to admit you did anything wrong?

Lets say your wife does something that is very clearly unfair/wrong to you. How do you act towards her until it is resolved? 

How long are you comfortable letting a fight go on simply by not speaking to her - other than about necessary things like scheduling/division of household labor? 

Would you say you have a healthy fear of your wife? Meaning, if you have made a mistake (normal stuff - not crazy things like cheating) lets say you were supposed to be home by 6 because she is cooking a really nice dinner for you, but you had to work late and forgot to call. Suddenly you realize you are already late. Do you think - uh oh - I am in serious trouble and I am fearful/concerned that she is going to be really mad at me? 

Would you say she has a healthy fear of you? 

This question is first for you to her, and then her to you:
How often, when you/she are in the wrong, and the other person brings it up, do you apologize and admit your error. How often do you calmly just state they are wrong, (even when you both know they aren't) and how often do you get angry at them for challenging you and attack them. 

Have you stayed in shape? How do you look compared to when she first met you? 

What changed/if anything in your marriage around the time she started to cut way back on sex? 

How often do either of you engage in "controlling" behavior? 
- Do you routinely ask her where she has been and who she has been out with?
- Do you complain/put pressure on her if she is working late a lot, or if she goes out with girl friends without you? 




aw9d said:


> Thanks for all the info and ideas.. I've printed out a few copies of the links you gave me and I will sit down with her tonight and see if we can fill these out and go over them. I'm hoping for the best!


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

happywoman said:


> do you cuddle after you have had sex or do you go away because we like to have a cuddle afterwords.


My wife isn't into cuddling after. Sometimes I try, but again it's not her thing.



MEM11363 said:


> For the moment lets ignore sex - I know its tough - hey I am a guy also. But just for now lets do a quick exercise. Outside the bedroom who is more loving? For instance, in an average week:
> 
> Which of you:
> - Says "I love you" more
> ...


- *That's what I'm trying to find out. It's been awhile since I posted this and a lot has come up. Very long story, working on that post now.*


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## confusedinlife (Mar 9, 2012)

you go down on her for an hour to make her cum???? is that right????? You sure you know where her clit is?

Just checking...


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

confusedinlife said:


> you go down on her for an hour to make her cum???? is that right????? You sure you know where her clit is?
> 
> Just checking...


Every time we have sex that isn't a 'quickie', I make sure she has gets off before I do.


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## confusedinlife (Mar 9, 2012)

aw9d said:


> Every time we have sex that isn't a 'quickie', I make sure she has gets off before I do.


and it takes an hr?????


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

confusedinlife said:


> and it takes an hr?????


I said sometimes it takes an hour, sometime 5-10min... If she wants to use a vibrator, 5 min max.. Without one, maybe 10-15 to get her off. Then there are times where it just doesn't seem to work at all.

Why are you so concerned about the time frame of how long it takes? That isn't the issue?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Nothing takes an hour. Pickett's charge at Gettysburg didn't take an hour.


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Nothing takes an hour. Pickett's charge at Gettysburg didn't take an hour.


If she isn't in the mood then I can see why it would take so long. It's such a mental game with women.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

aw9d said:


> So of course, my problem is with my sex-less marriage. I'm at wit's end. Actually, I've been at wits end for over a year and I'm just trying/hope/waiting for her to change. But, from the looks of it, this will not happen.
> 
> Here is a little background info. I'm 28 years old, been married for 3 years but I have been living with my wife for 10 years now. In my eyes, we've been married 10 years since marriage is just paperwork. The first 7 years of our realitionship was great. We had LOTS of sex, and I do mean a lot. We keep a calander from each year where we mark each day with how many times we had sex. First 7 years we had sex about 2 times a day even if she is on her period. A handfull of times during the week and 4-5 times a day during weekends. After we offically got married, this average started to decline and at a rapid pace. Now after 3 years marriage, I'm luck to get any once ever month but it seems to be about once other month I get 'lucky'...
> 
> ...


Go to married man sex life blog and read his book. Great advice there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

inmygut said:


> Go to married man sex life blog and read his book. Great advice there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, I will check it out!


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