# My wife and her lesbian affair



## Raptor

This is going to be tough. My wife and I have been together for 14 years, and we have 4 children ages 5, 3, 3, and 5 months. We both work full time and have been in a new city for about a year and a half. No family or friends when we came. We had moved from another city with little to no friends, and my wife gave birth to our twins. We have been so busy with kids and moving to new jobs over the past couple of years. We have been even busier with this brand-new baby.

You all can imagine the toll of having no friends, new jobs, new cities, new houses, and new everything all while working full time. My job makes it so I have to be out of town for three nights every week also. I have to leave my wife behind to take care of all the kids alone for three days. This has taken a toll on both her and me. I feel sick every time I leave for work, knowing that I have to leave here with such a burden. When I get home, I do everything I can to keep the house in order, food in the fridge, yard work done, and anything I can do to lighten her load. So this has been going on for about a year and a half with this new job of mine, and in the past 5 months, we have added the baby into the mix. We are super stressed and sleep-deprived and ready for it all to get better.

My job is not the best-paying job, so we are very tight on money, but I will be getting a very large pay increase at the beginning of the year. financial stress to boot.

Well, my wife made some friends at work that we would hang out with once in a blue moon. They had kids their age as well, and my wife worked closely with the other woman. There were several women that worked very closely together at her work. About two months ago, they started hanging out on nights when I was home from work. I was all about my wife going out and having friends. We had been waiting for some kind of support system for her to go out and have fun. I encouraged her to go out because we had not had good friends around in years. 

I'm still just chugging along, doing everything I think I'm supposed to do as a husband and father. Changing diapers, making lunch, and all the daily tasks that need to be done. I had neglected my wife more than I would like to admit, and she had me. From her perspective, I can imagine I was the sole reason for the neglect, but everything is 50/50 in my opinion. Now she had this newfound friendship with these women, and one of them happened to be a lesbian. Well, my wife is very pretty and in good shape for having 4 kids, and one of them is 5 months old. My wife would come home and tell me that they were having inappropriate conversations, and I would probably feel very uncomfortable if I had been around them. typical "fun-friend" stuff. My wife would joke to me that the lesbian woman wanted to kiss my wife. I just shrugged it off as "new friend foolishness."

After a couple of weeks of this, my wife is now going out every week and staying out very late, almost 4 AM. I would wake up on Saturday and do things with the kids on my own because my wife would be sleeping in until 12:00 pm. This went on for 4 weeks, and it honestly started to get old. I was OK with her having friends, but this was taking away from us as a family. I wanted desperately for her to have her time to recover after I was gone, but I finally confronted her about it. We had a late-night argument, and I was probably pretty upset. She told me she would try and find a balance. 

By the way, though, she was having sex with me and was very active in the bedroom right at the beginning of these women's hanging out, which made it even more acceptable for her to go out if she was going to be intimate. We have not been very intimate in our relationship in the past. We went more than a year without sex at least three times, and then it was every three or four months. I was excited about the sex, but after our first argument, things started to change. She was ignoring me and constantly texting this lesbian woman. She ended up having an overnight at this woman's home with some of her friends. I was still fine with it. I am a very loving person and I felt bad for my wife for years without good friends, and here they were taking all our time away from each other. I know. I told her that I was just jealous.

Well, my wife continued to ignore me for a week and did not talk about the first argument, which was about her ignoring me in the first place. Over the weeks she was going out she had been spending a lot of money also. We needed money to pay bills! On Thanksgiving, I confronted her again because after our family dinner she shut herself up in our room talking to this woman on the phone laughing so loud that I had to come and speak my mind. She got off the phone and we had another argument. I was so upset that she was going out of her way to not be around me and was giving all her attention to this woman. 

We got to the point where she was telling me that she was not sure where she stood on our current situation. She never brought up divorce or separation she simply skirted around it but the point was taken. I asked her flat out if she wanted to be with me or not and she could not give me a yes or a no answer. I had to leave for work early the next morning so the conversation had to be rushed.

When I get back from my trip I find more bags of things she had purchased. She was spending so much money that we were not going to be able to get a Christmas tree, presents, or even be able to pay our phone and power bill. I was very upset. I had to ask my mother for some money and luckily she did and our power was not turned off but my wife had the audacity to say to me we did not have money for me to buy one pair of shoes for our daughter while there was a new pair of shoes in my wife's closet. 4 new shirts, two new pants, a new bag, two new bras from VS and over a dozen new underwear that did not even resemble anything my wife had purchased our entire marriage. Sexy stuff. Pleas know that we are very religious so things like that just were not a priority for my wife before now. I was upset and after the argument she took off in the middle of the night and went to this woman's house to stay. Stayed there all day and did not go to work. Stayed there the next night also. She told me she did not come home because I did not text here.

Meanwhile I found out that she was getting in trouble at work for being too friendly with this lesbian woman and all her other work friends. Her boss had to tell them they could not be on their phones at work. So now my wife has left and I with the kids alone yet again.

Another week passes and my wife is telling me that she is not sure where she stands in our relationship and I become devastated. This was out of left field. I confront her about her new friends and how convenient it is that she is sating the night all the time and she comes home with this news that she is unsure about where she is in life. She tells me that she needs to "Find herself".

We have this new baby and all these years together and no warning. Now these new friends, new underwear, new makeup, new cloths, new everything but the friends had no influence on her decision. I had written her a note to try and tell her how much I loved her and try and figure out what was going on. The night I was going to give it to her I find out that the lesbian woman has been coming over to my house while I was gone to be with my wife since she could not leave our kids alone. My wife started to dog sit for her and drive 45 minutes to this lesbian woman's house to let her out and then 45 minutes back to go to work. The two were always calling and texting.

Well when I was planning on giving my wife this note I see my daughter drawing on a note book and tearing it up so I take it from here and find a letter from my wife to this woman. I was devastated! Its first sentence was, and I quote "I wish that I could show you my mind so you could see how beautiful you are to me". My wife had never written anything half as beautiful to me our entire 14 years. I confront my wife and all she tells me is that she has a very "special" relationship with this woman. My wife tells me again that she is confused about where she stands with me and again tells me that she needs to find herself. She tells me that she wish she had handled here disappointment with me differently over the years. She basically tells me that all through our marriage she had reason to want to leave me. That she probably should not have married me. Not in those exact words but that was what she was conveying. Meanwhile my wife is going to work with this woman, staying late at work with this woman and still going out with this woman.

She sad a Christmas party and stayed the night with this woman again. I am trying to give here space so she can figure out where she is in life but this was so hard for me to watch her leave at night knowing she was going to this woman’s house and confiding in her. She has told me that she needs here space at night as well when I am home but she is really on the phone with this woman until late hours of the night. She has stopped giving me affection and is not allowing me to give her affection.

I show up at her work with flowers and I lean in to hug here and I could tell it was so painful for her to do. The biggest thing of all was after my last business trip I come home early in the morning and the lesbian’s dog is in my house with my wife. There was a dog bed made up in the bedroom where the dog slept on my favorite blanket. All the sheets were off the bed and in the washing machine. The lesbian had stayed the night in my house, in my bed with my children in the next room without my wife even telling me. My wife left do drive the stupid dog 45 minutes to the lesbian’s house then 45 minutes to work. I check on the laundry and there are these weird stains all over the sheets. I had to hand wash them. I can only imagine what was going on in that bed. My imagination is running wild. I was so furious.

I try to squeeze here hand before I go to work and it’s like a dead fish. She still has not sat down and talked to me about how she truly feels. I read the "Fog of an affair" and have been trying to be patient and supportive as she tries to find herself. I have also started to implement the 180 crap to see if that works. She is just gone and there is nothing I can do.

The kicker is that this lesbian woman has started to post pictures of my children on instagram and my wife has posted things on instagram about this lesbian woman also. All my wife has given me is a couple of text saying that she wished she had realized how far detached she had been getting over the years. She told me that she had just come to terms with what her marriage had become. She said that she wished she had reacted to her disappointment and heartache over the years. She said that her heart aches for our kids because of where we are.

Well after two weeks of this and me trying to be strong and not push here out the door to see if she is willing to make this relationship work I am exhausted. It takes everything out of me to be so positive all day long while I am in the worst pain of my life. I am in such despair and I have not let my wife she what she is doing to me (I did breakdown once after the first time she told me she was unsure of our marriage). I don't know where to go from here. I have looked into getting "his needs here needs" I have been studying on how to stand for a reluctant wife. I wrote her a long letter telling her that I love here. I have another long letter that I am going to give to her telling here sorry for the neglect I have done over the years. Long like 20 pages long. Filled with lots of good stuff not weak take me back please kind of stuff.

Well last night she goes over to this girls place again and says that she is going to make baked goods for her coworkers and this morning she asks me to bring here a drink and I go to the store to buy a drink for her and there is a negative balance in our checking account. Instead of baking she went shopping with this lesbian woman and purchased more things for herself (We still do not have a Christmas tree or any gifts for our 4 children. I calmly ask here if we could talk about it tonight and all she does is send me another text. She said "I’m sorry for what's going on. I'm being selfish and I'm wanting to live a life different from what I’ve been doing. I think I've just snapped in some way. I just feel like I want to do me. It's nice and depressing at the same time. I just don't want to be anything for anybody but the kids. I don't want to be depended on in this marriage. I'm tired of doing the day in and day out. I don't want that kind of marriage."

I have been so sportive and patient. I want to be with this woman but everything she is doing is destroying all chances of that. Where do I go from here? She had a bag of stuff waiting at the bottom of the steps after we put our children down to sleep. She is at the lesbians house again tonight and it looks like she is not going to come back before morning and we were going to take the kids to see Santa. Looks like I will be doing that on my own. Please give me some advice. I can’t take it anymore.


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## sokillme

At this point you need to be doing what is necessary to protect yourself and your children. It doesn't matter if it is man or woman, your wife has abandoned you and your marriage and her kids. Get a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. By not doing that is basically protecting her from all of the consequences of her actions. You are enabling her affair. If she wants to leave you then let her but don't support her while she does it. She is treating you like her parent not her spouse. Let he move in with her girlfriend if she wants. Read about the 180. 

Now on to you, you have been way to passive in this whole thing. You should have giving consequences from the very beginning. Read "No more Mr. Nice Guy." This is a book for nice guys like you, who are really no confrontational. Why do you want to be with a woman who would treat you and your kids like this anyway? Something is wrong with your wife that she could do this to you and her kids and feel not shame about it. I get detaching from the marriage but she is basically throwing it in your face and has little regard to how awful this must feel for you. Normal decent people don't do this. There is better out there for you.

Your wife is having a very common affair, read some blogs the stories and complaints are basically all the same. These hidden complaints always seem to show up after the spouse has crapped all over their partner. Unfortunately for you your reaction to it has only prolonged your misery. You have let her guilt you into inaction, while at the same time continue to raise your children without her. See her actions for what they are, awful. 

Seriously you need to stop this right now dude. You can't nice her back. She is like a spoiled child she needs consequences, and you need to give yourself your self respect back. That will help you to start better, right now your powerlessness is not helping your situation at all, and is contributing to your pain. Get a hold of yourself and start to see what this situation is, and fight!


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## Spicy

I'm very sorry you have found yourself here. Please confide in your parents and other close family members. You are going to need them. She is having herself a midlife crisis it sounds like. She's going to leave behind a lot of collateral damage. Hang tough there daddy...your littles need you. Big hugs....


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## farsidejunky

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Not quite yet. I still hear fear rather than anger.

Why would you allow this to continue?

This may be better in the Coping With Infidelity section. Would you like me to move it?


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## notmyrealname4

> My wife and I have been together for 14 years and* we have 4 children ages 5, 3, 3, and 5 months. We both work full time *




^^^^How is this possible? How do you supervise, feed, clean-up after, check homework, run the kiddy taxi-cab with 4 children . . .and work a 40 hour week, 50+ hours if you include commuting and lunch breaks?

Plus have time to eat, use the toilet, shower, sleep, get dressed/put on make-up & do your hair.....and do 50% of the chores: cook, clean, laundry, car maintenance, do bills, mow the lawn, go to the store, take out the garbage cans, clean the gutters . . . . 

It makes sense that a lot of relationships burn out in such circumstances.


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## jld

Wow. Sounds like she did "find herself".

Raptor, how do you really come back from finding out your spouse is gay?

For me, anyway, that would be the end of the line.

Gosh, I am so sorry for you and your kids.


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## Talker67

i guess my advice would depend on if she is bisexual, or totally lesbian oriented at this point. it clearly is sexual. try to find out if she still gets turned on by men too. if she is bisexual, maybe there can be a time sharing arrangement?


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## jld

notmyrealname4 said:


> ^^^^How is this possible? How do you supervise, feed, clean-up after, check homework, run the kiddy taxi-cab with 4 children . . .and work a 40 hour week, 50+ hours if you include commuting and lunch breaks?
> 
> Plus have time to eat, use the toilet, shower, sleep, get dressed/put on make-up & do your hair.....and do 50% of the chores: cook, clean, laundry, car maintenance, do bills, mow the lawn, go to the store, take out the garbage cans, clean the gutters . . . .
> 
> *It makes sense that a lot of relationships burn out in such circumstances*.


And then go gay? I don't think so . . .

If Dear Abby is right, this must have been something inside his wife for a long time. And when conditions were right, it was acted upon.

Raptor, I think you need to accept her as she is, and file. She needs to live her life, and you need to move on and live yours.


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## NoChoice

OP,
One of, if not the single biggest fallacy that individuals have when they come here is that the situation they find themselves in is repairable. In virtually all cases it simply is not. I know you do not want to hear this but it is true. Your WW has committed acts that are very difficult, sometimes impossible, to walk back. The marriage, as you have conceived it, is over. A new one can rise in its place with true remorse and reconciliation but that is highly unlikely.

In order for a new one to have any chance going forward the A must be stopped. To allow it to continue sends many negative signals to a woman who is already so confused that she is jeopardizing her family. She must be made to know that what she is doing is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. She must see real life consequences for her actions. If it does not cause her pain, anguish or at least discomfort you cannot expect her to change. Cheaters lack empathy so asking yourself how she could do this to you and your children is a moot point.

The only real course of action is to make her feel the consequences of her deeds. Her mind is not capable of processing information the way yours is so expecting her to behave as you would is unrealistic. You must force her hand by applying pressure because pressure is uncomfortable. If her present situation becomes uncomfortable, as your relationship had become to her prior to this event, then she will seek change. It falls to you to make her see coming back to the marriage as the best form of change. This is nearly impossible since the discomfort she felt before is how she now views your marriage. and what she expects from it.

Being nice and giving her space will not cause her any angst and will in fact perpetuate her behavior since she is getting what she wants without any consequences. Actually your inaction is seen in her eyes as acceptance. Therefore, if you are to have any chance of saving your marriage you must set boundaries immediately and force her to comply. If she does not, then you must be ready to enforce them in a way that will cause her to experience loss. This is usually done with the threat of D but be warned that a threat without enforcement is simply of no value so you must be able and willing to move forward if necessary.

Logic, reason and rationale are not effective weapons against irrational, unreasonable people so do not rely on them. In fact expect that they will be of no use in this instance. Threat, intimidation and fear are the only real motivators for individuals of limited intellectual development. Those are the weapons that may work but even they are most times ineffective. In true reality you would probably be better served to D and move on but I do understand not wanting to take that difficult path. You see R as the easier path but in reality it is usually more difficult in the long run. It does however offer the BS the opportunity to postpone thoughts of breaking up the family. More often than not however, the WS offers so little to the BS during R that the BS begins to see D as the better option.

In any event, if want any chance of salvaging the relationship you must act quickly and decisively. Good fortune to you.


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## Herschel

My first ex is gay. She was on her blackberry (yeah inorite) all the time and eventually I read her email and well, that was that. Honestly, after the first month I was relieved. We weren't having sex much and she had put on a ton of weight (which I was still supportive about but you know). Anyway, it gave me a chance to meet the future ex which is so awesome in so many ways.

Anyway, I found that she didn't want to be a full time parent. Maybe the excitfullness of her new life or maybe she never really wanted it, who knows. That was fine with me cause I loved being a dad and while it wasn't easy, I managed. I did have my parents to help.


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## notmyrealname4

jld said:


> *And then go gay?* I don't think so . . .
> 
> If Dear Abby is right, this must have been something inside his wife for a long time. And when conditions were right, it was acted upon.




I think there is a lot of experimentation going on these days. And lipstick lesbians are highly eroticized by straight men.

And in pornography, this gets further exploited as "gay for pay"; "gay for pay" usually is applied to men; but many women do sex acts on camera with other women for accolades from men, and for money.

It's a much different social climate than say, 20 years ago?? And, no doubt, a much more confusing one.

I would think OP's wife is looking for any kind of escape hatch from a life of 4 children PLUS a full-time job, plus whatever has to be done at home. Yikes.

And OP must be burning the candle at both ends too.


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## jld

notmyrealname4 said:


> I think there is a lot of experimentation going on these days. And lipstick lesbians are highly eroticized by straight men.
> 
> And in pornography, this gets further exploited as "gay for pay"; "gay for pay" usually is applied to men; but many women do sex acts on camera with other women for accolades from men, and for money.
> 
> It's a much different social climate than say, 20 years ago?? And, no doubt, a much more confusing one.
> 
> I would think OP's wife is looking for any kind of escape hatch from a life of 4 children PLUS a full-time job, plus whatever has to be done at home. Yikes.
> 
> And OP must be burning the candle at both ends too.


Well, I can't imagine anyone doing that that did not feel it inside them somehow. That is what Dear Abby (or maybe Ann Landers?) said, anyway, and I believe it.


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## browser

3 young kids (including a pair of twins), new jobs, new city, new home, you're both super stressed, sleep deprived, money is tight even though you both somehow manage to work full time, so what do you do?

Have another baby!

I can only shake my head and wonder why people do things to make their lives even more difficult.


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## notmyrealname4

browser said:


> *3 young kids* (including a pair of twins), new jobs, new city, new home, you're both super stressed, sleep deprived, money is tight even though you both somehow manage to work full time, so what do you do?
> 
> *Have another baby!*
> 
> I can only shake my head and wonder why people do things to make their lives even more difficult.


Yep!


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## Lostme

I would get a new account without her name on it and start putting your money in there, so that you can take care of the children. 

She is right she is being selfish, a liar, and cheater. She is keeping you on the back burner in case things don't work out with her new lover.

You need to grow a pair and stand up to her, and protect your children and assets.


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## sokillme

browser said:


> 3 young kids (including a pair of twins), new jobs, new city, new home, you're both super stressed, sleep deprived, money is tight even though you both somehow manage to work full time, so what do you do?
> 
> Have another baby!
> 
> I can only shake my head and wonder why people do things to make their lives even more difficult.


Maybe it was OP's wife that wanted the baby. It seems she is very impulsive and or not the most stable.


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## JohnA

First you must end the infidelity! Either though divorce or reconcilation. Start by exposing to friends and family. I would urge you to describe her AP as a co-worker not as a lesbian. You have to drive this outsider out of your children's life. She is a predator and most likely move on very quickly to her next kill if you divorce. Read this Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

Wants to just be with her children. Go back and read your post. No power, no phones, no Christmass tree, no gifts, gone when you are home. Really? 

You mentioned you are religious. Why are you not involved with a church? The right one can be a source of great strength. 

Finally do you own or rent ?


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## Merged

notmyrealname4 said:


> ^^^^How is this possible? How do you supervise, feed, clean-up after, check homework, run the kiddy taxi-cab with 4 children . . .and work a 40 hour week, 50+ hours if you include commuting and lunch breaks?
> 
> 
> 
> Plus have time to eat, use the toilet, shower, sleep, get dressed/put on make-up & do your hair.....and do 50% of the chores: cook, clean, laundry, car maintenance, do bills, mow the lawn, go to the store, take out the garbage cans, clean the gutters . . . .
> 
> 
> 
> It makes sense that a lot of relationships burn out in such circumstances.



I agreed ^

I signed up just because I want to agree to a few of the replies here.

First of all, OP, I am sorry to hear what has happened to your marriage. But everything happens for a reason. And the problems come from both parties.

By just reading this I already felt the stress, I cannot imagine what would it be if I were to live my life like this.. I am sure I'll suffer severe depression. Not saying cheating is right, but have you thought about what if she suffers depression? Or maybe she was already suffering it and found support from the lesbian lady?

The sudden (huge) change in her can easily show how stressed out she was and what a relieve for her now.

I can understand how you wife just changed and gave up suddenly because I experienced something similar five years ago, though my pressure was from my family (15 years of pressure since i was a kid, living in anxiety/stress/worried) + ex. I was in depression for almost a year and i found no support from my ex and family. There was only one person who accompanied through all my sleepless nights and was able to pull me out of darkness, which is my current gf. Until today, I still cannot be sure if she was the reason why I left my ex or was it depression that made it so.

Sorry OP, but if she wants to leave you for another person, lesbian or not, it means she has had enough. As what you said, you're always working, rarely sex and all. It's unsurprising to me to see such things to happen. Four kids and full time work and a lot more.. I really cannot imagine that..

All i wish is you can be strong while set her free. If in future she regrets what she did to you, that's a lesson for her. Don't let her take you for granted.

Good luck.


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## Lila

notmyrealname4 said:


> ^^^^How is this possible? How do you supervise, feed, clean-up after, check homework, run the kiddy taxi-cab with 4 children . . .and work a 40 hour week, 50+ hours if you include commuting and lunch breaks?
> 
> Plus have time to eat, use the toilet, shower, sleep, get dressed/put on make-up & do your hair.....and do 50% of the chores: cook, clean, laundry, car maintenance, do bills, mow the lawn, go to the store, take out the garbage cans, clean the gutters . . . .
> 
> It makes sense that a lot of relationships burn out in such circumstances.


Oh, and to add insult to injury, OP is gone 3 nights a week for his job. 



Raptor said:


> *My job makes it so I have to be out of town for three nights every week also*. I have to leave my wife behind to take care off all 4 kids alone for three days. This has taken a toll on both her and I. I feel sick every time I leave for work knowing that I have to leave here with suck a burden.


I know couples with 3 or 4 young children who both work full time jobs. In every one of those cases, neither parent travels for work, they both take an active role child rearing, and equally distribute the chores. 

OP, I think the stress of everything going on in your wife's life (raising 4 kids under 6 years old, maintaining a full time job, dealing with a new city, tight money situation, and a husband that's gone 3 nights a week leaving her to do 100% of the child rearing and chores) has sent her over the edge of reason. I think the connection with the OW is less the romantic lovers kind and more because she provides your wife with emotional support and understanding. Your wife is latching on to a person who probably empathisizes with her situation. 

I think that if you have an chance of fixing your marriage, you're going to first find a job that doesn't take you away from your family 4 days a week (3 nights). The next step would be to start marriage counseling to help you two deal with the stress of your lives. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## Chaparral

If I were you I would pack the kids up and go back home while she is off playing house with someone else. Then notify her family as to what has happened. Hold nothing back. Hopefully your family can help out.

No matter what, cut all financial ties to her and separate bank accounts..

Prepare for divorce and bankruptcy if you have to.


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## Chaparral

By the Way,you're playing the pick me dance and that never works. The only thing that does is all out war. If she sees she's losing everything she may come around. Looks like she likes the party lifestyle better though.


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## MattMatt

jld said:


> And then go gay? I don't think so . . .
> 
> If Dear Abby is right, this must have been something inside his wife for a long time. And when conditions were right, it was acted upon.
> 
> Raptor, I think you need to accept her as she is, and file. She needs to live her life, and you need to move on and live yours.


And what is she, exactly?

She is a nasty, vile creature who doesn't care if her own children have to go cold and live in the dark, and have no food because it got spoiled when the freezer/fridge had no power, who would rather spend the family money on fancy knickers and kinky underwear for her lesbian lover to see, than on Chirstmas gifts for her own children? 

@Raptor inform her boss of what is going down. It's probably not the first marriage her friend has ruined.

And file for divorce on the grounds of adultery.


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## Thor

Raptor, are you still here?

Sounds like you're a regional FO, LDS? I'm in the left seat and I've heard way too many similar stories from guys in the right seat.

1) It doesn't matter that the affair partner is a woman. An affair is an affair. Whether you end up married or divorced, the strategy and tactics will be the same. You have to bust the affair and then you try to build, together, a new healthy marriage. It may well not be possible to do both of those. A lesbian affair is no different from the standpoint of the process you have to go through. The process will result in the best possible outcome for you and your children given your current situation. You won't get to the perfect or ideal outcome, which is a happy healthy marriage just the way things used to be a long time ago. You will either reconcile and get a good new marriage going forward, or you will get to understand the best outcome is a divorce. Divorce doesn't have to be terrible for you or you kids.

2) Your religious beliefs create additional issues. While her behavior is worse than if it were a heterosexual affair, it is her choice. It does not mean you are a bad husband or a bad lover. It reflects only on her. Do not let anyone blame you for her affair, and don't accept any blame. Some may try to influence you, but this is your life not theirs. You need to look out for yourself and your children. Don't let the busy-bodies pressure you into staying married as some sort of high sacrifice for your kids or your wife. A bad marriage creates a terrible environment to raise your kids. It is better for them to see happily divorced parents who are civil to each other than to be raised in a hostile or cold home.

3) Research divorce laws where you live asap. You need to get your ducks in a row. That means some internet research and a free consultation with an atty. You need to know the truth about what the likely outcomes will be as far as custody, child support, and alimony. You also need to start protecting your assets, which is why you need to talk to an atty. You may have some good legal standing if you can prove an affair, depending on where you live.


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## 2inthemorning

Raptor said:


> This is going to be tough. My wife and I have been together for 14 years and we have 4 children ages 5, 3, 3, and 5 months. We both work full time and have been in a new city for about a year and a half. No family or friends when we came. We had moved from another city with little to no friends where my wife gave birth to our twins. We have been so busy with kids and moving new jobs over the past couple of years. We have been even more busy with this brand new baby.
> You all can imagine the toll of having no friends, new jobs, new cities, new houses, new everything all while both working full time. My job makes it so I have to be out of town for three nights every week also. I have to leave my wife behind to take care off all 4 kids alone for three days. This has taken a toll on both her and I. I feel sick every time I leave for work knowing that I have to leave here with suck a burden. When I get home I do everything I can to keep the house in order, food in the fridge, yard work done, anything I can do to lighten her load. So this has been going on for about a year and a half with this new job of mine and the past 5 months we have added the baby into the mix. We are super stressed and sleep deprived and ready for it all to get better.
> My job is not the best paying job so we are very tight on money but I will be getting a very large pay increase at the begging of the year. Financial stress to boot.
> Well my wife made some friends at work that we would hang out with once in a blue moon. They had kids our age as well and my wife worked closely with the other woman. There were several women that worked very closely together at her work. About two months ago they started hanging out on nights that i was home from work. I was all about my wife going out and having friends. We had been waiting for some kind of support system for her to go out and have fun. I encouraged her to go out because we had not had good friends around in years. I'm still just chugging along doing everything I think I am suppose as a husband and father. Changing diapers, making lunch, and all the daily tasks that need to be done. I had neglected my wife more than I would like to admit and she me. From her perspective I can imagine I was the sole reason for the neglect but everything is 50/50 in my opinion. Now she had this new found friendship with these women and one happened to be a lesbian. Well my wife is very pretty and in good shape for having 4 kids and one of them 5 months. My wife would come home and tell me that they were having inappropriate conversations and I would probably feel very uncomfortable if I had been around them. Typical fun friend stuff. My wife would joke to me that the lesbian woman wanted to kiss my wife. I just shrugged it off as new friend foolishness.
> A couple weeks of this and my wife is now going out every week and staying out very late to almost 4 AM. I would wake up on Saturday and do things with the kids on my own because my wife would be sleeping in until 12:00 pm. This went on for 4 weeks and it honestly started to get old. I was ok with her having friends but this was taking away from us as a family. I wanted desperately for her to have her time to recover after me being gone but I finally confronted her about it. We had a late night argument and I probably was pretty upset. She told me she would try and find a balance. By the way though, she was having sex with me and very active in the bedroom right at the beginning of these women hanging out which made it even more ok for her to go out if she was going to be intimate. We have not been very intimate in our relationship in the past. We went more than a year without sex at least three times and then it was every three or four months. I was excited for the sex but after our first argument things started to change. She was ignoring me and constantly texting this lesbian woman. She ended up having an overnight at this woman's home with some of her friends. I was still fine with it. I am a very loving person and I had felt bad for my wife for years without good friends and here they were taking all our time from each other. Double negative I know. I told her that I was just jealous.
> Well my wife continues to ignore me for a week and not talk about the first argument which was about her ignoring me in the first place. Over the weeks she was going out she had been spending a lot of money also. Money that we needed to pay bills! On thanksgiving I confronted her again because after our family dinner she shut herself up in our room talking to this woman on the phone laughing so loud that I had to come and speak my mind. She got off the phone and we had another argument. I was so upset that she was going out of her way to not be around me and was giving all her attention to this woman. We got to the point where she was telling me that she was not sure where she stood on our current situation. She never brought up divorce or separation she simply skirted around it but the point was taken. I asked her flat out if she wanted to be with me or not and she could not give me a yes or a no answer. I had to leave for work early the next morning so the conversation had to be rushed.
> When I get back from my trip I find more bags of things she had purchased. She was spending so much money that we were not going to be able to get a Christmas tree, presents, or even be able to pay our phone and power bill. I was very upset. I had to ask my mother for some money and luckily she did and our power was not turned off but my wife had the audacity to say to me we did not have money for me to buy one pair of shoes for our daughter while there was a new pair of shoes in my wife's closet. 4 new shirts, two new pants, a new bag, two new bras from VS and over a dozen new underwear that did not even resemble anything my wife had purchased our entire marriage. Sexy stuff. Pleas know that we are very religious so things like that just were not a priority for my wife before now. I was upset and after the argument she took off in the middle of the night and went to this woman's house to stay. Stayed there all day and did not go to work. Stayed there the next night also. She told me she did not come home because I did not text here.
> Meanwhile I found out that she was getting in trouble at work for being too friendly with this lesbian woman and all her other work friends. Her boss had to tell them they could not be on their phones at work. So now my wife has left and I with the kids alone yet again.
> Another week passes and my wife is telling me that she is not sure where she stands in our relationship and I become devastated. This was out of left field. I confront her about her new friends and how convenient it is that she is sating the night all the time and she comes home with this news that she is unsure about where she is in life. She tells me that she needs to "Find herself".
> We have this new baby and all these years together and no warning. Now these new friends, new underwear, new makeup, new cloths, new everything but the friends had no influence on her decision. I had written her a note to try and tell her how much I loved her and try and figure out what was going on. The night I was going to give it to her I find out that the lesbian woman has been coming over to my house while I was gone to be with my wife since she could not leave our kids alone. My wife started to dog sit for her and drive 45 minutes to this lesbian woman's house to let her out and then 45 minutes back to go to work. The two were always calling and texting.
> Well when I was planning on giving my wife this note I see my daughter drawing on a note book and tearing it up so I take it from here and find a letter from my wife to this woman. I was devastated! Its first sentence was, and I quote "I wish that I could show you my mind so you could see how beautiful you are to me". My wife had never written anything half as beautiful to me our entire 14 years. I confront my wife and all she tells me is that she has a very "special" relationship with this woman. My wife tells me again that she is confused about where she stands with me and again tells me that she needs to find herself. She tells me that she wish she had handled here disappointment with me differently over the years. She basically tells me that all through our marriage she had reason to want to leave me. That she probably should not have married me. Not in those exact words but that was what she was conveying. Meanwhile my wife is going to work with this woman, staying late at work with this woman and still going out with this woman.
> She sad a Christmas party and stayed the night with this woman again. I am trying to give here space so she can figure out where she is in life but this was so hard for me to watch her leave at night knowing she was going to this woman’s house and confiding in her. She has told me that she needs here space at night as well when I am home but she is really on the phone with this woman until late hours of the night. She has stopped giving me affection and is not allowing me to give her affection.
> I show up at her work with flowers and I lean in to hug here and I could tell it was so painful for her to do. The biggest thing of all was after my last business trip I come home early in the morning and the lesbian’s dog is in my house with my wife. There was a dog bed made up in the bedroom where the dog slept on my favorite blanket. All the sheets were off the bed and in the washing machine. The lesbian had stayed the night in my house, in my bed with my children in the next room without my wife even telling me. My wife left do drive the stupid dog 45 minutes to the lesbian’s house then 45 minutes to work. I check on the laundry and there are these weird stains all over the sheets. I had to hand wash them. I can only imagine what was going on in that bed. My imagination is running wild. I was so furious.
> I try to squeeze here hand before I go to work and it’s like a dead fish. She still has not sat down and talked to me about how she truly feels. I read the "Fog of an affair" and have been trying to be patient and supportive as she tries to find herself. I have also started to implement the 180 crap to see if that works. She is just gone and there is nothing I can do.
> The kicker is that this lesbian woman has started to post pictures of my children on instagram and my wife has posted things on instagram about this lesbian woman also. All my wife has given me is a couple of text saying that she wished she had realized how far detached she had been getting over the years. She told me that she had just come to terms with what her marriage had become. She said that she wished she had reacted to her disappointment and heartache over the years. She said that her heart aches for our kids because of where we are.
> Well after two weeks of this and me trying to be strong and not push here out the door to see if she is willing to make this relationship work I am exhausted. It takes everything out of me to be so positive all day long while I am in the worst pain of my life. I am in such despair and I have not let my wife she what she is doing to me (I did breakdown once after the first time she told me she was unsure of our marriage). I don't know where to go from here. I have looked into getting "his needs here needs" I have been studying on how to stand for a reluctant wife. I wrote her a long letter telling her that I love here. I have another long letter that I am going to give to her telling here sorry for the neglect I have done over the years. Long like 20 pages long. Filled with lots of good stuff not weak take me back please kind of stuff.
> Well last night she goes over to this girls place again and says that she is going to make baked goods for her coworkers and this morning she asks me to bring here a drink and I go to the store to buy a drink for her and there is a negative balance in our checking account. Instead of baking she went shopping with this lesbian woman and purchased more things for herself (We still do not have a Christmas tree or any gifts for our 4 children. I calmly ask here if we could talk about it tonight and all she does is send me another text. She said "I’m sorry for what's going on. I'm being selfish and I'm wanting to live a life different from what I’ve been doing. I think I've just snapped in some way. I just feel like I want to do me. It's nice and depressing at the same time. I just don't want to be anything for anybody but the kids. I don't want to be depended on in this marriage. I'm tired of doing the day in and day out. I don't want that kind of marriage."
> I have been so sportive and patient. I want to be with this woman but everything she is doing is destroying all chances of that. Where do I go from here? She had a bag of stuff waiting at the bottom of the steps after we put our children down to sleep. She is at the lesbians house again tonight and it looks like she is not going to come back before morning and we were going to take the kids to see Santa. Looks like I will be doing that on my own. Please give me some advice. I can’t take it anymore.



Im really sorry to hear about that man. i dont know alot about relationships and marriages but what i can say is you need to prioritize. the most important thing here is your kids and yourself. considering what your saying here your wife has made her decision already. could be a guy a chick hell both, she cheated on you and abandoned your marriage. sometimes its better to leave damaged goods and dont cash in the warranty. you said yourself you want to be with her and shes destroying all chances of that. your pushing the car up he hill and shes flooring it in reverse. 

do what is best for your kids, take them to see santa and give them the best christmas and that means you as well. at the end of it your marriage has changed and pretty much seems your wife does not want it. that means there are so many things for you to do now, nothing really holding you back live your life to the fullest and you'll always have that love from your kids. so cheer up and live well. for yourself and your amazing kids.


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## bandit.45

I tried to read your post but a Mirkwood elf jumped out from behind a sentence and shot me in the eye. 

Paragraphs.


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## Talker67

notmyrealname4 said:


> I think there is a lot of experimentation going on these days. And lipstick lesbians are highly eroticized by straight men.
> 
> And in pornography, this gets further exploited as "gay for pay"; "gay for pay" usually is applied to men; but many women do sex acts on camera with other women for accolades from men, and for money.
> 
> It's a much different social climate than say, 20 years ago?? And, no doubt, a much more confusing one.
> 
> I would think OP's wife is looking for any kind of escape hatch from a life of 4 children PLUS a full-time job, plus whatever has to be done at home. Yikes.
> 
> And OP must be burning the candle at both ends too.


this is all very true. With the proliferation of porn, the openess of gay sexual lifestyles nowaday...well, it is actually COMMON for people to get sexual fantasies and want to experiment. But the reality is that almost NOBODY is 100% straight or gay. Maybe she is 80% straight and 20% lesbian, in which case a normal marriage, with a couple weekends away at her GFs, would do just fine. It is HOW MUCH lesbian she has become that is the real question (and the obvious question of if she is practicing safe sex outside the marriage). If she no longer is turned on by men...then yeah it is over.


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## arbitrator

*Please know that cheating and infidelity knows absolutely no sexual boundaries!*


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## Hustler519

You are way too soft. How can u expect her to want you when you are being the woman in the relationship. Jealousy, competing, complaining about attention is all female traits. And you said urself that you dont make much money....Her statement abt not having anyone depending on her just means that she feels her life wouldve been totally different without ur added weight. She's already gone mentally. The crazy thing is that she is prob not screwing the lesbian. But you are so jealous of her getting "your serving" of attention, that you've convinced yourself that they're sexual. She need to be left alone. Nothing you can do will make her want you right now, but if you ignore her, I think she'll want to work it out. She is having too much fun. It will eventually crash.


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## DayOne

Zombie thread, replying to an OP who posted once and left.


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