# Age Differences in marriage



## Orange_Crush (Jan 26, 2016)

For those of you whose spouse is younger or older (10+ years), what is your biggest difficulty in your marriage regarding age? Is there one? Is it the way people judge your relationship? 

My husband is 25 years older than me, so I would like to converse with others who are in a similar boat.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mine is 19 years older, and the biggest challenge we face, imo, is avoiding a parent child dynamic.

At least with the guy being the older one. 

This is common with such age differences even if the older partner doesn't intend it because they're at a more advanced place in life. 

I think the younger partner has to be a strong personality to avoid this. I know I'm a steamroller.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Crush (Jan 26, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Mine is 19 years older, and the biggest challenge we face, imo, is avoiding a parent child dynamic.
> 
> At least with the guy being the older one.
> 
> ...




Yup, we have to really work on keeping that in check. There are situations when he tends to lecture me, and I revert back to my teenage "Don't lecture me" mode. I tend to keep it in stride though and he backs off.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

17 years her senior and a couple issues come to mind. 

1.) She's sensitive about when people mistake her as being a friend of my daughter. She looks younger than her age and my daughter at only 7 years younger looks older than hers, creating occasional issues.

2.) You'll have an argument some day about something as innocuous as your driving habits. You'll bite your tongue or blurt it out. 'I've been doing this longer than you've been breathing'. I blurted out that my 1st driver's license pre-dated her birth certificate. DO NOT SAY THAT. EVER! lol

3.) There is public scrutiny at times. You have to find your way to handle it. 

4.) You've lived and gotten the t-shirts that say 'been there, done that' all collected. Now he's/she's getting his/her t-shirts. Let him/her have that experience.

5.) Gifts. I have it easy. My wife has the stuff a younger woman has. I can easily buy her most any gift. I happen to have most anything I could want or need and gifts for me are a narrower list of options. Makes it tough on her to shop for me. More defined tastes, etc. 

6.) Children and the having of children. Long ago, after my daughter was born, I had that thing they do to us so we stop chasing cars done. I still chase cars by the way. she wants a child. We tried many options with no luck so far. It's troublesome. It weighs on us a lot right now. If we don't sort it out soon I fear it could be a marriage-ender for us honestly.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

It is fine until the older one reaches old age and has all the problems that with it. My sister divorced her husband because he was 67 and she was 50. She wanted to go out and have fun but he had several medical problems and looked like he was her father plus there was a generational gap. I live among 100,000 retired people. I moved here when I was 58 and felt like all the guys here were my father. They liked 40's music, did not like cursing or nudity in movies. They were old fashioned and most had heart, stroke or back problems that limited their activities. Some ended up being a caregiver to their spouse for many years.

Those are the problems.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

My sister and her husband divorced after 16 years of marriage (she initiated it) and she says their age difference was a big factor. When they met she was 22 and he was 40 and just divorced from his first married. She was a waitress (and very pretty) sharing an apartment and he was a Dr with his own home so you can imagine what they each saw in each other. They had from the beginning a more child/parent dynamic which worked at the beginning but she grew up and he wasn't really accepting of that. 

They each have remarried to spouses that are close to their own ages.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Orange_Crush said:


> Yup, we have to really work on keeping that in check. There are situations when he tends to lecture me, and I revert back to my teenage "Don't lecture me" mode. I tend to keep it in stride though and he backs off.


There was one point where he lectured me about something and I looked him in the face and said calmly: "ok dad, is there anything else you'd like to add?".

That stopped a lot of it. Nobody wants to have sex with their dad or their daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> My sister and her husband divorced after 16 years of marriage (she initiated it) and she says their age difference was a big factor. When they met she was 22 and he was 40 and just divorced from his first married. She was a waitress (and very pretty) sharing an apartment and he was a Dr with his own home so you can imagine what they each saw in each other. They had from the beginning a more child/parent dynamic which worked at the beginning but she grew up and he wasn't really accepting of that.
> 
> They each have remarried to spouses that are close to their own ages.


I think age differences are a terrible idea when the younger party is in their 20's because there tends to be a big baggage difference. Often the older one is divorced with kids and younger one has none and is not equipped to deal with kids and ex spouses. And there's an inherent power imbalance because of said baggage differences..... older partner doesn't have to deal with a lot of the crap they're asking younger partner to deal with. 

Older spouse often doesn't see younger spouse as an actual partner, only someone they want to sleep with. I'm under no illusion that this wasn't my hb's aim when we met, but surprisingly we're pretty compatible. And he says I'm not normal in that I'm a lot older in a younger body. 

Probably true because until my late 30's I didn't hang out much with my peers, only older people. And that includes women friends. 

Now I've started to because my peers have finally grown up. 

But even though we have an age gap our baggage was similar: we were both divorced once, he had an older daughter while I had two young boys. 

My ex was openly hostile while his ex was a snarky b!tch. It's been a long time though so a lot of that has changed.
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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

53 days here. No bed of roses.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

My husband is 13 years older. I agree about the occasional parent/child dynamic that arises and needs to be squashed. Also, we have different tastes in movies. He often forces me to watch movies from the 70s or 80s that I find absolutely boring.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There is no way I could be with a man too much older than me.. no matter my age. I was never attracted to older men... when I had a sex drive increase - I was wishing my husband was 20 yrs younger...even with 3 yrs older.. he could hardly handle me... that issue there is the one that comes to mind the most for me.. 

I also just wouldn't like the idea a spouse could die that much earlier (statistically speaking - if you both shared similar health)...of course any of us could die in a tragic car accident tomorrow. 

I'd rather us trudge through those yrs together.. falling apart together...I'd fear if the divide was too much... that I might end up feeling like a "caretaker" in my 50's... if the man was reaching 70, with health issues taking him down ...very  thought.. though some live a really long time.. if one snags a man with Long living genes... then who knows! 

A very touching love story.. but she lost him too soon, faithful always... he was 26 yrs older -he became her Manager when she was just 13 !... Celine Dion & Rene Angelil ..they had 20 yrs together facing some of life’s toughest battles....


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think age is less important than emotional maturity.

Yes, you could end up a caretaker. You could end up that way if you were closer in age, and for approximately the same amount of time or worse(?). Since you are younger and closer in ages, it could be longer. 

When you truly love someone and they love you, the above doesn't matter. You want to be with that person and enjoy the years you have together. The joy you feel with them surpasses your understanding. 

You love them so much, you would not want anyone else to take care of them or bury them. You feel sad when they are sick or have passed, but you wouldn't have missed it for the world. 

You are confident you will find someone else, if you decide to do that after they pass. All else is not love, but convenience.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Orange_Crush said:


> For those of you whose spouse is younger or older (10+ years), what is your biggest difficulty in your marriage regarding age? Is there one? Is it the way people judge your relationship?
> 
> My husband is 25 years older than me, so I would like to converse with others who are in a similar boat.



This is an interesting thread to me because I really don't understand the attraction to a person so much older. Sure, I get why a man would want to be with a woman 15 to 20 years his junior. She's going to look better than virtually everyone else in his age bracket but why would the woman be attracted to him?

My ex SIL, who was married to my brother for 17 ears, recently re-married a man 19 years older than her. Now he's a good guy and not unattractive for his age........for now, but I'd guess that will fade fairly quickly in comparison to her. 

Now she and my brother had some issues for sure, almost all his fault, and perhaps she just wanted someone more stable and mature. I really don't know. The first thought from most people is that she had "daddy issues" and that explains everything. I know that my former SIL definitely qualifies for that statement.

Again, I just find it very curious to be attracted to someone who could be your father. It seems unnatural to me. I'm not passing judgment in as much as I just don't understand it.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

My husband is 10 years older than me. At first I loved this bc he was really mature, put kids first and wasn't a partier and immature like my 1st husband. 
So it's typically worked well as he keeps me grounded and from flying the coop so to speak. 
The con- we totally have a parent/child relationship.  ive often told him to quit acting like my dad and to be a supportive partner. It never happens - we always fall in that role and here lately it sucks. 
It really sucks bc my dad died when I was 19 so I don't mind having a somewhat parental figure as a spouse but I hate being "parented" by him. 

Also found that at this age me 36 him 46 we don't do ANYTHING anymore and hardly ever have. Which has always been fine with me as I'm a homebody but there are times where I'm really bored bc it's the same ol same ol day in and day out. 


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Imovedforthis said:


> My husband is 10 years older than me. At first I loved this bc he was really mature, put kids first and wasn't a partier and immature like my 1st husband.
> So it's typically worked well as he keeps me grounded and from flying the coop so to speak.
> The con- we totally have a parent/child relationship.  ive often told him to quit acting like my dad and to be a supportive partner. It never happens - we always fall in that role and here lately it sucks.
> *It really sucks bc my dad died when I was 19 so I don't mind having a somewhat parental figure as a spouse but I hate being "parented" by him.
> ...


I read this like you're asking him in subtle ways to parent you and then you get angry when he does.

Then, I read it like he probably doesn't know what to do with his daughter when he takes her out, and you are waiting for dad to take you somewhere fun. 

Yeah, I'm older than him. Sorry if this offended. I just thought it might help you to see how I read that.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> I read this like you're asking him in subtle ways to parent you and then you get angry when he does.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Lol oh goodness that does sound bad haha 
No I've never asked him or even wanted him to be a parental type figure. 
I was actually still in my first marriage when my dad died so my husband now came in the picture about 6 years later. 

The only time I've mentioned to current husband now about the way he acts is when I'm telling him to stop treating me like a child. 

I don't know why he does it... Not sure if he feels he can bc the age difference or bc he's just a bossy controlling person in general? 

Either way- it's annoying lol 



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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Orange_Crush said:


> For those of you whose spouse is younger or older (10+ years), what is your biggest difficulty in your marriage regarding age? Is there one? Is it the way people judge your relationship?
> 
> My husband is 25 years older than me, so I would like to converse with others who are in a similar boat.


My husband is 10 years older than I am. We really haven't had any age related issues though, as the issues we have are about other things. He has never tried to 'parent' me, nor would I allow it, and we're on the same page for most things. We did have a hard time in the beginning with judgments/comments from others, as we heard people call our relationship gross, me wanting a sugar daddy, me being a "trophy wife", etc, but it stopped after we had been dating for 2 years.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> My husband is 10 years older than I am. We really haven't had any age related issues though, as the issues we have are about other things. He has never tried to 'parent' me, nor would I allow it, and we're on the same page for most things. We did have a hard time in the beginning with judgments/comments from others, as we heard people call our relationship gross, me wanting a sugar daddy, me being a "trophy wife", etc, but it stopped after we had been dating for 2 years.


Yeah, we've had that too. Except that I've worked since we've been together and currently make a good bit more than him, so I'm pretty sure I ain't looking for a sugar daddy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah, we've had that too. Except that I've worked since we've been together and currently make a good bit more than him, so I'm pretty sure I ain't looking for a sugar daddy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know why they ever said that comment to us. My husband and I met in college. He wasn't making that much and neither was I. I also had more money in the bank than he did, as I was lucky enough to have a scholarship, so I was able to save more, while he paid his way through school. I ended up paying off his debt from school after we got married. He was not a sugar daddy. 

I think I was just amazed at how many people called our relationship "gross". Certain "friends", my older brother(who was mad I was with someone older than him), etc. It was hard to hear. Not many people were super supportive in the beginning.


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## Romango (Feb 20, 2016)

I think age can definitely become an issue in a relationship that is already on rocky foundation. If you have similar beliefs, values and interests I don't see how having a partner 10 years your senior is going to cause any issues. On the other hand, if you both are very different people with different values, I could see age becoming an issue when trying to work through issues, and usually it is the younger half that has to adjust to the older partner's firmly set ways.

In terms of of what other posters have mentioned about having to "look after" an older partner in their old age, I think that can be just as problematic as a couple in early marriage when one might want children desperately and the other might have already been there and done that (divorced, kids). The latter is where I am at with my fiance who is 11 years younger than me.

I think even more so than a couple of similar ages getting married, I think that relationships with significant age gaps need to put their cards on the table early on in the relationship.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> I don't know why they ever said that comment to us. My husband and I met in college. He wasn't making that much and neither was I. I also had more money in the bank than he did, as I was lucky enough to have a scholarship, so I was able to save more, while he paid his way through school. I ended up paying off his debt from school after we got married. He was not a sugar daddy.
> 
> I think I was just amazed at how many people called our relationship "gross". Certain "friends", my older brother(who was mad I was with someone older than him), etc. It was hard to hear. Not many people were super supportive in the beginning.


Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes, I think some men are so competitive, they don't want an opportunity to slip away. They'll find anything to cause an issue and give them a chance. I don't get it(understand) either.

Between marriages, I "dated" a woman who was ten years my senior. She was not the most beautiful woman I ever met. She didn't have any money to speak of. She was just simple, empathetic and kind. I had no issues with it, but some of my friends did and were quite verbal about it. 

Fortunately, I didn't let their comments make up my mind. I let our compatibility do that. I'm better for having met her.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

My husband is 12 years older. We don't have the parent/child dynamic probably because I had lived more life and had more life experiences than he did when we met when I was 23. I brought him along on my ride, and he has definitely enjoyed seeing the world and experiencing new things. Our issues definitely have not been age related.


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## Orange_Crush (Jan 26, 2016)

Celes said:


> My husband is 13 years older. I agree about the occasional parent/child dynamic that arises and needs to be squashed. Also, we have different tastes in movies. He often forces me to watch movies from the 70s or 80s that I find absolutely boring.


Mine is on the couch right now watching a documentary about Hitler's regime. Which I can stomach now and then, but not at the same rate as him. :wink2:


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## Orange_Crush (Jan 26, 2016)

Anonymous07 said:


> I don't know why they ever said that comment to us. My husband and I met in college. He wasn't making that much and neither was I. I also had more money in the bank than he did, as I was lucky enough to have a scholarship, so I was able to save more, while he paid his way through school. I ended up paying off his debt from school after we got married. He was not a sugar daddy.
> 
> I think I was just amazed at how many people called our relationship "gross". Certain "friends", my older brother(who was mad I was with someone older than him), etc. It was hard to hear. Not many people were super supportive in the beginning.


I think that's one of the biggest struggles in the beginning- other's judge our relationship. It isn't needed or solicited, yet they feel the need to speak up. It's really odd how there are so many misconceptions out there. I also find it intriguing how my co-workers or new friends will make jokes about younger women and older men, and then meet my husband and find us "normal" together.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

6 years is my average age gap in LTR's. I prefer men that are a few years older than me as they are generally slower to mature (and this is during all decades not just the younger ones). Anything over 10 years is too old especially now I am late 40's men in their late 50's just look so old. I prefer to age at the same rate as a partner not be with a much older looking one.

Golden rule here throughout my whole life was to never date or marry a man that is old enough to be my dad.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Orange_Crush said:


> I think that's one of the biggest struggles in the beginning- other's judge our relationship. It isn't needed or solicited, yet they feel the need to speak up. It's really odd how there are so many misconceptions out there. I also find it intriguing how my co-workers or new friends will make jokes about younger women and older men, and then meet my husband and find us "normal" together.


What I found interesting is that the 2 people who were most vocal about my relationship being "gross" were also the 2 people who ended up in an age-gap relationship. One guy from college swore he would *never* ever be with someone my age(he's 8 years older) because it was just "wrong". Guess who he married last year? A woman exactly my age(1 month younger than me). Another woman, previous co-worker, said it was disgusting to be with an "old" man and that she would only date men her age. She also married a man 8 years older. I just shake my head and laugh.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Most of the guys I know have a wife about 2 to 5 years younger than themselves. Every single guy that I know that has remarried, has married a much younger wife about 9 to 13 years younger. The women, that ended up remarrying, found husbands much older than their first husband but quite a few just ended up going from LTR to LTR with MANY STRs in between. 

But I do know of one outlier. A co-worker married to a woman 12 years older than him for almost 13 years. The pictures of them in the beginning years didn't seem that strange but their not aging at the same rate but to him, she's all that. So there someone for everyone.

I'm nearly 2 years older than my wife. Most of the girls I dated prior to getting married were about the same age gap. When I was younger, I was very self conscious about not wanting to be seen with a girl that was too young for me.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Orange_Crush said:


> Mine is on the couch right now watching a documentary about Hitler's regime. Which I can stomach now and then, but not at the same rate as him.


Lol! I wonder if it's the same one he made me watch a couple of months ago. That's too funny.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Orange_Crush said:


> For those of you whose spouse is younger or older (10+ years), what is your biggest difficulty in your marriage regarding age? Is there one? Is it the way people judge your relationship?
> 
> My husband is 25 years older than me, so I would like to converse with others who are in a similar boat.


Whatever struggles you may encounter will vary on the stages of your life. 

I imagine it gets harder later in life.


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## ShellyV (Sep 17, 2016)

I have a very unique relationship. I am 43. He is 74. He looks much younger, and we both love the same things. We have been seeing each other about a year now. We love each other dearly. The issues that face us are obvious, but does that mean we just walk away from what we enjoy in each other so much? I know that I may only have 5-10 good years with him, but he has what I love. I have had no issue with parent-child dynamics. He works very hard to keep us as equals. He is the most intelligent and loving man I have ever met, and he treats me like a queen. We respect each other highly and hope we can make it work.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

ShellyV said:


> I have a very unique relationship. I am 43. He is 74. He looks much younger, and we both love the same things. We have been seeing each other about a year now. We love each other dearly. The issues that face us are obvious, but does that mean we just walk away from what we enjoy in each other so much? I know that I may only have 5-10 good years with him, but he has what I love. I have had no issue with parent-child dynamics. He works very hard to keep us as equals. He is the most intelligent and loving man I have ever met, and he treats me like a queen. We respect each other highly and hope we can make it work.


I wouldn't walk away. Life is uncertain, and love is hard to find.


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