# Finding a hobby and being less 'available'



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Ladies

I am working on developing my social life. I am hoping that as a side effect, it will improve my marriage. I think I am too 'available', and a lot of the work we have done after his EA is telling me he would like me to regain my confidence, be a little more independent, and get a hobby within the home.

I am doing great with being more confident, and assertive. I like it. This follows on into being more independent, I am getting more stuff done myself, and have started taking fitness classes which I am really enjoying.

As for the hobby? Well I'm a little stumped on this one. At the moment, by the time everything is done in the evening, I admittedly DO crash out on the sofa. My H will do some work in the garage, maybe play XBox for a bit, before joining me. I do like to read, but I'm looking for some ideas of what I could do.

I did want to start doing a zine, which is something I'm thinking about. I also thought about making some fantastic cupcakes, I do like baking and that'd be something I'd like to learn.

I'm not great with my hands by way of dresssmaking which is another thing I'd love to learn: was thinking I could learn the basics through an evening class at first then work on projects at home.

So... Any suggestions? What stuff do you ladies do? Plus are there any particular hobbies or interests that might pique H's interest as a bonus?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sweetie, to work on social skills and life, you need to get out of the house!

I volunteered at an independent movie theater, a Native American museum, and also took archery, indoor rock climbing (more social than outdoor rock climbing), and ballroom dance/social dance. I can't say enough for the dance. Once in a while I go to a book group, but it's once a month and requires a lot of solo reading. In the past I used to go to movie club, where we watched a movie and then had a discussion...there are also language meet-up groups I used to go to one for French, we met in either a pizza place or a pub setting (different than a bar/club). 

Get your butt out of the house. 
If you are particularly inclined towards sewing then go with that. But try to do your sewing at a place that has an open studio. It is worth the fee to be out in public space. 

The dancing will CERTAINLY pique your H's interest. There's nothing like seeing your spouse come alive on the dance floor in what is usually considered individual personal space. 

In my case, being treated properly by other people's husbands on the dance floor (also single guys) ... as well as being treated IMPROPERLY by men on the dance floor and in studio space, made me realize how abusive my relationship had become. I'm very grateful for the instructor/owner's husband who is very adept at making dance contact and sharing personal space and removing the threat/adrenaline/stress I feel at being in close proximity to a guy. 

Anyway, even if your marriage isn't so bad as mine was (I hope not!) dance will get his attention. In a healthy relationship it will be in a good way. I mean, it is just dance. But it's a bit more than that. Or he might be interested in seeing you rock climb or shoot arrows accurately at targets. 

My friend once went to one of those conferences where people dressed up in some kind of techno period costumes, I forget what, but her husband really likes it when she gets a bit nuts like that and lets herself go into fantasy land with a bunch of other adults. She lives in CA so those things can happen. LOL


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Some of my favorites are sewing (almost anything), smocking, embroidery, knitting, pets and artwork.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

As a guy, one passion of my wife's that I brag about almost constantly is her desire to help people who are grieving, or women and children of abuse. She has also recently helped my daughter to complete the training courses for helping children of abuse at the local hospital.

These interests can start out small. Most communities maintain directories of voluunteer work. Once within a group, you could move up as your confidence rises.

My wife also sought out new women who were struggling at our church. She just became a friend. To her, this was her passion. She taught one of the ladies how she had sewn interesting jewelry into little girl's clothes, and the woman later established a company, set up a national contract with a superstore, and was able to move out of an abusive relationship.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Re: the getting out of the house... I started this by doing the fitness classes, but the reason I am thinking mainly about something I can do AT home is that it was something my H mentioned. He sees me crash out, glued to the laptop, watching TV or generally just lazing about, and whilst I am completely drained by that time of day, I realise that my H does not see this "nothingness" as attractive. We are pushed particularly during the week to be able to get out by ourselves due to the combination of schedules, sitters are not readily available and so this is why I am focussing on what I can do at home at this point.

However, after the summer it will be easier for me to be able to get out in the evenings. Dance is one of the things I would LOVE to get into! I think this would have the effect that you mentioned Homemaker 

Halien, you mentioned some good ideas. I was actually approached a few years ago after I had my first child about volunteering to support moms with postpartum depression. This was because *I* had gone through it myself. I had to refuse because although I would love to, then, and at this point in my life I do not feel I am *up* enough to be able to do that kind of support. But it is a thought for the future.

One thing I have been quite interested in is Roller Derby. It's a bit out of my comfort zone but I'd love to have a go so am going to get in touch with friends who participate!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Do you have small kids under 1st grade? If so, you can hook up with a local Mops Groups MOPS International - Mothers of Preschoolers

I personally enjoy reading, photography, ebay, and online forums for things to fill my time when my husband is not around. I am somewhat of a Homebuddy so I am not crazy about getting out of the house all the time. I enjoy laying outside on a hammock just reading a good book. 


I think anyone who has went through something (your example Post partum) would be EXCELLENT to volunteer to talk to others, even if you don't feel up to par, you can listen and sometimes this is all people need. 

I have a friend who has an Autistic son, after he was born, she got very involved with just about every program in her area that deals with Autism, soon was sitting on boards, I even lost tract what all came from this, but I know she has helped many along the way. 

ONe thing I volunteered for in the past was a 24 hour hot line in our area, I used to sit in this office in a church and take Phone calls, I had a night shift (I never did seem to need much sleep), these people could be suicidal or just need a listening ear, could be anything. This was perfect for ME cause I never tire of talking & listening to people, trying to cheer them up or help them. I learned alot from that experience. Glad I had it. 

If you are into Dancing , and there is a group to join or a class, Go for it ! Whatever your passion is, this you should look into ! Many good things can come out of taking these little steps.


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## Lea2407 (Jul 14, 2011)

I completely agree with everyone that mentioned volunteering. It such a great use of your time and talents, not to mention how it makes you feel. 

However, since you're looking for hobbies at home, photography/scrapbooking is always fun. You could also think about creating a blog over something that you're passionate about, since this is something you could do without tiring yourself out even more. 

I do want to say that it's fantastic that you're trying to get out more. I think it's important, so you feel good about yourself, which is always a plus in any relationship. 

Just keep in mind that you should make the changes for yourself, and don't feel pressured to keep active when you're exhausted just for your husband. If you're busy all week, then you do need time just to relax and enjoy some peaceful moments. 

You may even consider using your down time for a little pampering like a facial, manicure, deep hair conditioning, etc. Sure it's self indulgent, but your husband can't really complain when you'll look so pretty.

This can also be turned into a hobby by making your own beauty products like soaps, lotions and candles. There are tons of recipes and instructions online for amazing products. Who know, it could even turn into a way to make a little extra money as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A pottery class? A writing class? Joining a gym. Try a meet up group online.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Roller Derby sounds great!! 

It all depends what you're into. You mentioned baking - how about taking a more developed cooking class? 

Poetry and writing classes are a good idea as suggested by Jellybeans. These can also be taken at home online if you wanted and writing in the evening would be a nice way to relax.

If you're into music how about learning to play an instrument? Guitar might be a fun way to start. Maybe classes during the day and/or there's tutorials online. This is something you could teach yourself if it's of interest. Or perhaps harmonica?


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

I would respect the request of my husband to find a hobby at home, if that is what he asked me. Some people are saying you have to get out of the home, but some husbands (and wives) would prefer that their spouse stay-at-home but still be busy with something. 

In the evening, after my husband gets home (since I'm off from work for the summer currently), we'll spend time together for dinner, maybe watch a movie/run an errand, and then I'll get busy with my online ministry work. He'll unwind by playing a video game, checking out facebook, etc. We are both doing things we enjoy as individuals, but we're near by each other. When I'm ready for bed, I go get him and he gets off the TV/computer and we make sure to spend a little more time together before going to sleep. 

I'm sure you can find a lot of enjoyable hobbies to do at home and I'm sure your husband would appreciate your presence at home, while you're still doing something you enjoy.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Volunteer. This is guanteed to bring joy to your life. 
You can also claim your time , and any expenses on your tax return.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FaithHopeLove said:


> Some people are saying you have to get out of the home, but some husbands (and wives) would prefer that their spouse stay-at-home but still be busy with something.


That sounds like a nightmare to me. Getting out of the house is healthy and helps you feel like you have a life outside your home and your relationship. I wouldn't ever want to be w/ someone who told me I needed to find a hobby/activity solely inside the home.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> That sounds like a nightmare to me. Getting out of the house is healthy and helps you feel like you have a life outside your home and your relationship. I wouldn't ever want to be w/ someone who told me I needed to find a hobby/activity solely inside the home.


I'm not saying that a wife should be home 24/7--- I don't think that is healthy at all. However, I think a wife should respect her husband's wishes to have her home when he's home especially in the evening. Just like a husband should respect the wishes of his wife if she would prefer he spend time in the evening with his family compared to being out at a bar or volunteering his free time else where. 

I really don't see how spending time with your family-- especially your spouse-- would be a nightmare.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Spending tim ewith family is one thing. Having a hobby is another. A bar isn't a hobby, IMO. LOL. Lots of hobbies can be done in the daytime.

I do agree that partners should respect eachother though. Just not in the form of being controlling.


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