# Getting past false accusations of infidelity



## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Hello all. 
Just wanted to get others' takes on a situation that been festering at me for a bit, and that I'd like to be able to get past.

Late last year (2010), my wife of 14 years became absolutely convinced beyond all doubt that I was carrying out an affair under her nose .... and often in our family room while she was upstairs sleeping. She suspected our nanny was the OW and fired her (without consulting me) as a result, despite the fact she had been a good caregivier to our kids for 18 months up to that point. I know she took steps toward hiring an investigator and divorce lawyer, though can't say how far she took it. She also told many of (her) friends and some family about the situation. 

I was not, nor have I ever been unfaithful to her, but for that period of about two really difficult months there was no convincing her otherwise or persuading her of how outlandish her accusations were (example: she thought she smelled another woman's perfume emanating from outside our home, in a December snowstorm, through closed windows when she was in bed on the second floor).
Eventually, she agreed to see a therapist and within 4-6 weeks she accepted that I wasn't cheating on her. She's apologized since, and I've fully accepted her apology. I harbor no anger or resentment at her over this. She was going through a rough patch, and I'm thankful she's better.

That said, it's about the time when this all started last year, and that coincides with a very stressful period at work for her. I had been led to believe by her that she thought that stress triggered this, so in recent weeks I've been very watchful about how she was feeling and dealing with it. When I asked recently how she was handling the stress this time around, she told me she longer thinks stress was the culprit and instead blames it on feelings of insecurity.

Anyhow, I realize I'm possibly (probably) being a little oversensitive here, but this has all stirred up bad memories of last year and have me a bit paranoid about it happening again. Needless to say, feeling like you could lose your marriage because of a false accusation can mess with your mind a bit. Even moreso, I want to understand how it happened so it can possibly be averted if warning sings appear. I don't particularly like these thoughts and am trying to move beyond it.

Any thoughts on how to go about that would be much appreciated.

FWIW, beyond this issue I think we have a healthy and happy marriage with very few, if any, issues.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

hi, i personally don't think that it was purely a reaction to stress. it sounds more like it was because of insecurities. let me explain why- if she is feeling undervalued & insecure, she's likely to believe that you can't see any value in her & will go out looking for something/ someone more interesting.

i think a huge part in preventing this from recurring would be to make sure that your wife feels loved & appreciated. maybe apeak to her about it. tell her that you hate the fact that she feels insecure, because you love her & are committed to your relationship & want to do more than just say it- you would like to show her your level of commitment. then maybe suggest a date night once a month where you two can go out to reconnect. or even just make a romantic dinner at home for the two of you. 

small gestures of love & kindness are probably all she needs to feel secure. as for the negative feelings you harbour, they are completely understandable, just understand that she probably wasn't trying to attack you personally, its probably her own feelings of inadaequacy that made her react that way. good luck


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