# Should I contact OM years after the fact?



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

My wife had an affair 3 years ago. I found out about it in 2010 when I saw some texts in a secret email account to a young guy she new from golfing, but my wife convinced me it was an EA and that it was over. I believed her, thinking it was a MLC (my wife was 45 at the time, her abusive (to her Mom) Dad had just died and she was deathly afraid of aging). She promised NC, deleted her Gmail account, and deleted her facebook account - gave me her BB password (which I never used, but had). We tried reconciling, but there was always something distant about my wife - like she was hiding something. We never re-connected emotionally. Now, 3 years later we are separated and my wife finally admitted that it was actually a physical affair for the summer of 2009 ending Nov 2009, following the EA that began in 2008 (including texting sexual fantasies to each other). She admitted this 1 week after leaving our house.

The OM is now married and has a 1 year old child. In 2009, he cheated on his fiance with my wife (who is 13 years older than him) - he also had a girlfriend at the time of the EA and was just divorced from his first wife (leaving a 1 year old and a 3 year old).

My wife kept this secret and even her closest friends did not know about it. She poisoned our relationship protecting this secret and is now living the life of a single - dating mere days after leaving (still chasing guys 10 - 15 years younger). She knows she needs help and is in IC - but we are finished. It is like she had two personalities and the Wayward personality has now taken over. She is living in full fantasy mode. Needless to say, my kids (two) and I are having a hard time coping (my kids are coping better than me).

I know I should just let it go, but now that I know that this guy had a physical affair with my wife (while cheating on his ex wife at the beginning of the EA and then juggling a girlfriend, my wife, and his fiance towards the end). He would meet my wife in the BASEMENT of his grandfather's house - which is where he lived after splitting from his first wife. My wife was not even worth a hotel. It's pathetic to think about how my wife lowered herself and her self worth to that point and threw away a long-term marriage for a fantasy. It makes me sick.

At this point I do not see my wife and I reconciling. I can forgive the affair, but I cannot see forgiving the years of lying. I am dying to contact the OM and let him know what I think. I also found his Dad so would copy him as well. I know I shouldn't lower myself to do this, but it would be satisfying and might help me to bring closure to this. Right now, thinking of this guy, new baby - probably cheating on his new wife, using my wife for free golf and free sex is keeping me awake at night. My wife is responsible too, but I can't let go of the idea to contact this guy.

Should I?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm sure his wife would appreciate knowing what type of guy she married. It's probable that he's still cheating on her and could be breaking up more marriages. If you have proof, talk to the wife of the OM - not him. Then she can decide if she still wants to stay with him or not. However, be prepared if the OM lashes out in an unpredictable way.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks Plan 9.

I don't know his wife - don't even know her name - just know that he is married with a 1 year old. I have his email as well as his Dad's email because they are part of a golfing group that my friend organizes. That, unfortunately, is how my wife met this jerk years ago. I was just too naive and trusting.... some would say "stupid".

Our 25 anniversary would have been in 11 days....


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you tell anyone tell the OMW she deserves to know who she married. You could be doing her a favor. For all you know she might have doubts about the OM. If he was honorable ( gag) he would have revealed his shameful past to her before marriage.


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

I don't see the point. You're separated from your wife, time to start moving on.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

MysteryMan1 said:


> I don't see the point. You're separated from your wife, time to start moving on.


I know you're right, but can't shake the feeling that exposing this jerk would help me to move on. A lot of my friends say the same thing - if it wasn't him, it would have been somebody else. But this guy (from all accounts) is almost like a sociopath when it comes to women. My wife was just one more conquest for him. 

My wife is attractive and I am sure he thinks he bagged a cougar - just one more notch in his belt. Whereas I am living the reality - with two kids living at home who miss their Mom. I know that we were having a rough patch during her affair (at the time they met we were married 20 years with two young kids (age 9 and 7). I was busy being a Dad, busy at work - she was under a lot of family and work stress too. We were in MC at the time. Then when he started flirting with her, it was like a switch turned off - and she's been gone ever since.

I know I should just move on and take the high road - but can't let go. And I can't let go of the idea that contacting this jerk will help bring closure.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Try to find who his wife is, whether through google, Facebook or white pages. Spill your gut to her and watch the fireworks go off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## baopuity (Nov 12, 2012)

It's probable that he's still cheating on her and could be breaking up more marriages


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trying to make yourself feel better by hurting someone else rarely results in feeling better longterm. But do what you need to do to try to heal yourself. Just try to keep your expectations reasonable.

C


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## PanchoVilla (Jun 2, 2012)

Contact the Omw and post this parasite in cheaterville.com it will make you feel good 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PanchoVilla (Jun 2, 2012)

Tell the Posomw and post this parasite in cheaterville.com
Im going to the same hell as we speak with my wife mlc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Me personally- I'd go nuclear on him. I have an issue with people acting poorly and not being held accountable.

I'd tell anyone who I could. I called my OMW, his HR dept, his parents. He F-ing hates me and is afraid of what else i might do.


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## PanchoVilla (Jun 2, 2012)

keko said:


> Try to find who his wife is, whether through google, Facebook or white pages. Spill your gut to her and watch the fireworks go off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes. expose this parasite to the OMW and post him at cheaterville.com
Im going thru the same with my wife and her MLC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My suggestion:

1. Post the OM on cheaterville.com
2. Tell his wife the truth of her cheating husband
3. Post your completely unremorseful wife on cheaterville too.
4. Realize the reason you are here today and why your wife never reconnected these past 3 years is that she was likely still cheating.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

PBear said:


> Trying to make yourself feel better by hurting someone else rarely results in feeling better longterm. But do what you need to do to try to heal yourself. Just try to keep your expectations reasonable.
> 
> C


Telling the. Truth is not hurting someone else in cases like this. This POS ruined this mans marriage and the family and future of his kids.

Telling the truth is what is right here.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

PBear said:


> Trying to make yourself feel better by hurting someone else rarely results in feeling better longterm. But do what you need to do to try to heal yourself. Just try to keep your expectations reasonable.
> 
> C


The OP may want to expose him because it could be his revenge. But, it would be doing a service to the wife of the OM who may be living in ignorance of her H's bad behavior. She deserves to know, don't you think?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The OP may want to expose him because it could be his revenge. But, it would be doing a service to the wife of the OM who may be living in ignorance of her H's bad behavior. She deserves to know, don't you think?


Honestly, it is more about revenge and feeling like exposing him and letting him know that there are consequences to his screwing around. That's why I am a little conflicted about this. Most of my buddies are telling me to just let it go - but I'm almost obsessing about this.

And the reality is I don't know his wife, have no way to contact her. And their surname is very common. 

I'm going to sit on it for a while - seeing my IC tomorrow too - so maybe I'll get a different perspective. Not like it's a rush since the affair happened in 2009 ending sometime around Nov/Dec/Jan 2010. I know the guy got married in March 2010.

I just think I would get some satisfaction from doing it - but not sure if it's worth it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The OP may want to expose him because it could be his revenge. But, it would be doing a service to the wife of the OM who may be living in ignorance of her H's bad behavior. She deserves to know, don't you think?


My comment was based only on the OP's recovery. If he was doing it to help out the omw, no problem. Knock yourself out. But his purpose in doing it seems primarily to hurt someone else, and that's not likely to make him feel better in the long run. It most likely wont hurt him, but as I said, I wouldn't count on it making a big improvement. I was merely cautioning him on expecting that he could do this and then he could move on with his life.

C


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Confronting him might be good for you. If you can do it without violence. Sometimes just telling him what a POS he is will make you feel better. If you feel like you have been a doormat this could be a way for you to get back some sense of assertiveness.

Exposing for revenge is not going to make you feel better. Exposing to his wife for moral reasons is a good reason. She was being cheated on while engaged to him. I think she has a right to know. Though it has been a few years so the question is going to be why now. Since you just found out it was a PA it makes sense to tell her now. But she may react badly to you, so be aware and prepared if that happens.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

It isn't worth it and it won't make you feel better.

Look at it this way, he brought out the truth about wife, let it go.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Well, I am leaning towards letting it go. But get this, he has a link to a Movember fund raising on his facebook page.

Maybe I should donate $.05 to his cause and leave a donation message saying "Hi, I'm *******, ******'s husband. Does your wife know you give free moustache rides to married woman, you POS?"

Yeah, I know I should let go, as it was 3-4 years ago, but for me it's fresh since I only learned about the physical affair recently.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Expose. The OMW deserves to know.

He deserves the cosequences.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Move on.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Yep I'd move on after exposing him.

No way would I let a twat like that get one over on me.

Sorry don't do forgiveness till I've evened the score.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Talking directly to OM won't do much for you, he already knows he's a POS, and doesn't care. Track down his wife, can't be that hard, follow him home from an event if you must, but talk to her, not him. The fb thing is not a bad idea, but use a free email account to make a fake fb account before you do. No point in shining that big a spotlight on yourself. Then you're covered, he won't know which husband is messing with him.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Thanks Plan 9.
> 
> I don't know his wife - don't even know her name - just know that he is married with a 1 year old. I have his email as well as his Dad's email because they are part of a golfing group that my friend organizes. That, unfortunately, is how my wife met this jerk years ago. I was just too naive and trusting.... some would say "stupid".
> 
> Our 25 anniversary would have been in 11 days....


Look up facebook to find spouse and ex spouse.

Interent search. Marriagebuilders has a good thread on investigation.

Hire a PI.

Then expose OM.

Don't bother ro call OM he will most likely deny all. No matter what OM says you will not be able to believe him.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Expose it to the OMW. She has the right to know just like you wanted to know about the affair back then. This is for her. You'd do her a HUGE favor. Be fair. 
If you want to take revenge, I like the idea of cheaterville like Shaggy said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Yep I'd move on after exposing him.
> 
> No way would I let a twat like that get one over on me.
> 
> Sorry don't do forgiveness till I've evened the score.


I'm with Wysh, Shaggy and the others on this.

Why is the man of today so queasy when it comes to revenge?

Tell the OMW. Burn down his comfy little world if you can.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Cedarman said:


> I know you're right, but can't shake the feeling that exposing this jerk would help me to move on. A lot of my friends say the same thing - if it wasn't him, it would have been somebody else. But this guy (from all accounts) is almost like a sociopath when it comes to women. My wife was just one more conquest for him.
> 
> My wife is attractive and I am sure he thinks he bagged a cougar - just one more notch in his belt. Whereas I am living the reality - with two kids living at home who miss their Mom. I know that we were having a rough patch during her affair (at the time they met we were married 20 years with two young kids (age 9 and 7). I was busy being a Dad, busy at work - she was under a lot of family and work stress too. We were in MC at the time. Then when he started flirting with her, it was like a switch turned off - and she's been gone ever since.
> 
> I know I should just move on and take the high road - but can't let go. And I can't let go of the idea that contacting this jerk will help bring closure.



Maybe his wife has a Facebook page, You maybe able to find her if you know his first and last name,Almost everyone has a Facebook page.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions.

I tried to not do it, I really did. But for closure I really needed to do something. My wife won't really talk about it beyond her reluctant confession.

I sent an email directly to the POS OM, cc'd his Dad and cc'd my wife. 

No profanity - just a brief description of the affair, a brief description of the aftermath, and an invitation to talk because I have a few words for them and "email just wouldn't do it justice".

So we'll see what happens. Whether this will help me to move on or not we'll just have to see. But I finally concluded that it's better to do it rather than wallow in anger and grief over the death of my marriage. Wonder if the POS will even reply?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You did the right thing, for you and the OMW.

Please keep us updated.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Surprise, surprise - A quick and indignant denial, complete with a "What the fck are you talking about?"

Now he's emailed back saying my wife must be crazy.... or covering for somebody else!! He has no idea why she is throwing HIM under the bus!! The poooor man!


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Surprise, surprise - A quick and indignant denial, complete with a "What the fck are you talking about?"
> 
> Now he's emailed back saying my wife must be crazy.... or covering for somebody else!! He has no idea why she is throwing HIM under the bus!! The poooor man!


My heart bleeds for him.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

He doesn't want me to contact him OR his family EVER again!!!

I guess it was a joint email account. Oooops!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> He doesn't want me to contact him OR his family EVER again!!!
> 
> I guess it was a joint email account. Oooops!


Reply:
Wish you would have done that for my now destroyed family.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> He doesn't want me to contact him OR his family EVER again!!!
> 
> *I guess it was a joint email account oops.*


Well, I guess accidents do happen.

Like the A he accidently had with your W.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

His last email:

"Not sure how I would sneak a married woman into my Grandparents' basement considering they still live here, and other family comes/goes all hours of the day. Thanks for the compliment, but I don't have those kind of balls.

Anyway, this isn't getting anywhere. Good luck to you and your wife; hope you work things out."


I don't think he has ANY balls!


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Send a followup to his wife!
During the day when he is gone.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I DID make one mistake. I had changed my wife's name in my address book to "Disloyal Cheating Skank" - just to give me a lift when she texts/emails me.

Didn't know that it also goes out when you email. So when I forwarded one of his denials to her, it had her name as "Disloyal Cheating Skank".

I wonder it it's the right time to ask if she wants to reconcile???

Oh well, I guess I really DO have to move on now!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> I DID make one mistake. I had changed my wife's name in my address book to "Disloyal Cheating Skank" - just to give me a lift when she texts/emails me.
> 
> Didn't know that it also goes out when you email. So when I forwarded one of his denials to her, it had her name as "Disloyal Cheating Skank".
> 
> ...


Like I say who has more fun than people:rofl:


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I forwarded one of his denials with the comment "He's not as good a liar as you".

Man... it's going to be a frosty mediation meeting tomorrow!

Anyway, it was juvenile, but I feel good. Should have done this in 2010 when I discovered their texting relationship (which my wife made me believe was strictly EA and over). 

Oh well. Better late than never, I suppose. Maybe I'll get a decent night's sleep now.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I think you still need to make sure that the OMW knows.

She does deserve to know.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Tell me, what did you get by this exposure. It is understandable to let OMW aware of the past of her H.

You are presently dealing with things you did not plan....

Now, are you any better? Focus on your recovery, dude. Your wife and her affair is not worth the thought.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Tell me, what did you get by this exposure. It is understandable to let OMW aware of the past of her H.
> 
> You are presently dealing with things you did not plan....
> 
> Now, are you any better? Focus on your recovery, dude. Your wife and her affair is not worth the thought.


What did he get?

Well his posts seem a lot happier and upbeat for a start.

Will that do?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Well, my wife sent me a long email saying that she had made the whole physical part of the affair up. Various reasons, according to her: She thought it would speed up the divorce prospects. She thought it would make it easier for me to let go!! 

Funny timing for this retraction. The past month has been devastating for the kids and for me. That wasn't enough for her to retract her story. I had explained to her that divorce on grounds of adultery is slower and more expensive here. That wasn't enough to detract her story. She said that she gets tested for STD's by her doctor (part of the story, I guess). So I went into my doctor to get tested (results in two weeks). But that wasn't enough for her to detract her story.

No, it's obvious that she is just covering up for a scumbag she slept with 3 years ago. He must have contacted her privately to get her to retract. He's now married again, with a 1 year old (cheated on his then fiancé with my wife). I guess it's time for him to start fooling around again! He's got the "I've got a 1 year old baby itch". 

I hope they knock themselves out.

As for my wife - just one more example of her pathological lying. Sad, as she was once the most honest person I knew.

I don't know if I would do it again, or recommend doing it (so long after the fact), but the one benefit of contacting the POS OM has been it underscores the need for me to move on. That alone, made it worth it. So don't feel closure really, but have a definite sense of freedom. And I can think back on my marriage and know that the first 20 years were pretty fine and that I did everything I could to salvage the marriage over the past 3 years.

And I have to laugh at the ridiculousness of the lies. Seriously: "I made up the affair because I thought it would be easier for you to move on...." What a wonderful and thoughtful gesture!!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Disrespect all through. Focus on yourself. Time is better spent constructively.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I thought about contacting the OWM when my fiancé told me that she had sent him an invite to connect on LinkedIn. 

Oh call me a wimp, but I rationalised that they had not been in contact with each other for about 9 months. I can see it on his cellphone; his e-mail account and FB. 

But I would have liked to mention to her boyfriend how he was a pawn at a critical moment in which she was willing to drop him for my fiancé. 

Instead I convinced myself that as long as my fiancé did nothing and we received nothing more from her, well, it was a non issue. But we're all human, and self righteousness does spring up from time to time.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I thought about contacting the OWM when my fiancé told me that she had sent him an invite to connect on LinkedIn.
> 
> Oh call me a wimp, but I rationalised that they had not been in contact with each other for about 9 months. I can see it on his cellphone; his e-mail account and FB.
> 
> ...


You don't think he deserves to make informed choices about his own future? If the situation were reversed, you'd be happy for him to decide you don't need to know your partner is a cheater?


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