# Im kinkier and hes vanilla



## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

Thank you for your time in reading this.

I am writing about my husband and I.
Hes 36 and I am 29. We have been together 5 years.
This is both our second marriages.
We both have two boys from past marriages and I am 28 weeks pregnant with our first baby together.

I am having a hard time healing from rejection from him.

I left my first husband after 12 years together because the lack of sex. I think he was gay. He wanted nothing to do with me. I lost 50lbs and was very fit and he still didn't want me. At one point we went a year with out sex. He was also my first so I wasn't experienced and wasn't sure if this was normal. This marriage left huge pain for me and ultimately baggage.

When I met my current husband I was very open about my past struggles and how important sex was to me. He seemed to be perfect. The first couple years we were having sex twice a day every day. It was spicy and I loved that. I am a little "kinky" and I like different things.

Once we got married things changed. We went from twice a day to twice a week. And its very plain sex. 
Over the years I have begged for him to use toys during sex, ask me to wear lingerie, have sex in our car, film ourselves, anything to spice things up! We have had this fight a million times and it never happens. 

Also, the amount of times this man has rejected me is countless. It crushes my soul, my heart and my self esteem. I have never hated my self so much. The man who should embrace me and accept me wants nothing to do with my real side. I sometimes hate my self so much I feel suicidal. I sometimes feel like I need to cheat to feel anyone's embrace but I never would.

My husband only will have sex in our bed, at night and will not change it up. I tried wearing lingerie once and he fell asleep while I was on top of him! The second time I wore a robe and flashed him the lingerie by opening the robe and he literally looked at me and did nothing. Any time I initiate I get rejected. The pain is so deep. For over a year he also wouldn't go down on me. This broke me and made me feel like something was wrong with me. Yet he expected me to go down on him each time.

We always have this fight where I tell him what I would love to happen and it never does. It makes the rejection hurt deeper. He thinks he is autistic and says he has a block in brain that he never thinks of doing this stuff. And he is scared I will reject him. (Because sometimes I say I am not in the mood for sex because I've been so rejected.) So he rejects me which makes me withdraw and I reject him when he finally does try. Its a viscous circle. But I rarely say no to sex.

The worst part is he has told me about him and his ex wife. They had a threesome and were swingers.
They also went to strip clubs. This makes me the angriest! He has all these excuses why he cant do these things and yet did so much worse with her. I feel like he must have loved her more. 
I dont feel like I ask for much.
And the ****ty part is if he did try do these things now it would be so forced.
I want him to WANT these things too. Not to be forced.

I feel like I got duped. He knew my needs from the very beginning and once we got married things went south. There is so much hurt and pain here. And I am pregnant and committed to the marriage. I just dont know what to do. Our marriage is perfect other than this. Any advice to get where we need to be?


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Wifeyandmom said:


> Thank you for your time in reading this.
> 
> I am writing about my husband and I.
> Hes 36 and I am 29. We have been together 5 years.
> ...


One key piece of information you did not mention is why your husband divorced his first wife. It may be he thinks the extramarital or kinky sex ruined his first marriage and does not want to "repeat the mistake".


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

Something related to the "free sex" went wrong with his previous marriage. Either he was never into it and went along with it, or that lifestyle changed his X into something he didn't like.

It's not that he can't or won't, it is that he is a fear of letting the dogs out. He is afraid that it will change you and you will want more. My guess is that while he was ok to experiment, but it went too far and he divorced.

Talk to him again and draw a hard boundary. Take the 3somes and swinging off the table. Let him know you will never share, not even with another female. He doesnt feel safe with his fantasies, therefore he controls them and by proxy, your sexuality.

It was hard for my SO to open up about her past. Not only did she fear rejection, she feared I might want to do some of the things she no longer desired. Her sexuality was stifled until the divorce, but free sex almost killed her. Finding the balance was key to acceptance.

Dig a little deeper and find out what really happened.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I cannot comment on this.

All my Head Mates are too old.

We will come across as 'creepers'.

Sigh...


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

Thank you for your reply!
He left her because she cheated and was crazy.
She called the cops on him for nothing and tried to ruin his life.
Just a toxic person


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> I cannot comment on this.
> 
> All my Head Mates are too old.
> 
> ...


I genuinely appreciate any advice or thoughts you have!


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Wifeyandmom said:


> Thank you for your reply!
> He left her because she cheated and was crazy.
> She called the cops on him for nothing and tried to ruin his life.
> Just a toxic person


he probably blames the swinging and such. Worried if you guys get too kinky, it will end up swinging and he is worried that will lead to cheating...


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

TheBohannons said:


> Something related to the "free sex" went wrong with his previous marriage. Either he was never into it and went along with it, or that lifestyle changed his X into something he didn't like.
> 
> It's not that he can't or won't, it is that he is a fear of letting the dogs out. He is afraid that it will change you and you will want more. My guess is that while he was ok to experiment, but it went too far and he divorced.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply!
I think you are right..
When we got together he bragged about the threesome and swinging. I got the sense he enjoyed it. Then later he said it was "all her idea" and that he didnt really enjoy it. Yet I ask him to do small things and he cant do it but did it for her. 

He doesnt want those things with me, thank god. We both agree we dont swinging in our marriage. I would get to jealous and kill him.

When I ask him of his fantasies he says he has none, not sure if thats true.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You've been together 5 years if the sex was sub par and you suffered to the point of suicidal thoughts why get pregnant? Why lock this one in? Of has the sex really changed with the pregnancy? Some men are afraid of hurting the baby.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Wifeyandmom said:


> Thank you for your reply!
> When we got together he bragged about the threesome and swinging. I got the sense he enjoyed it.
> Then later he said it was "all her idea" and that he didnt really enjoy it. Yet I ask him to do small things and he cant do it but did it for her.
> He doesnt want those things with me, thank god.


Could be wrong but he could be ashamed of what he had done in the past and he may want to have a more 'natural' or 'normal' life with you and maybe has fears of that slipping away if he gets into the gray area stuff. Who knows. 

What I do know is that both of you need counseling ... together! Seems like both of you have issues related to intimacy but on much different levels. I just get the feeling that one you 'fix' this, you haven't talked about anything else of issue, that if you guys can get on the same page here and talk about your feelings and work through them in this area, you guys might be good to go for real happiness together. 

There's something beneath the surface that's bothering him and there's something a lot closer to the surface bothering you, that we pretty much know about. If we can figure out what is going on with his feelings, I think you can make some headway but I wouldn't make it about him having an issue, I would approach it as you two needing to work on things together.

I think it would help him see how important this is too, in a neutral environment of counseling, when you talk about your sadness and pretty deep depression about this subject.

Best of luck!


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

naiveonedave said:


> he probably blames the swinging and such. Worried if you guys get too kinky, it will end up swinging and he is worried that will lead to cheating...


I think you may be right! I need to ask him about this


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Could be wrong but he could be ashamed of what he had done in the past and he may want to have a more 'natural' or 'normal' life with you and maybe has fears of that slipping away if he gets into the gray area stuff. Who knows.
> 
> What I do know is that both of you need counseling ... together! Seems like both of you have issues related to intimacy but on much different levels. I just get the feeling that one you 'fix' this, you haven't talked about anything else of issue, that if you guys can get on the same page here and talk about your feelings and work through them in this area, you guys might be good to go for real happiness together.
> 
> ...


You are right on this! And we do need counseling. I always keep hoping he fixes the issues but he doesnt. And finding time is hard because I work 12 hour days Mon-Fri. I will see if I can find a weekend or evening one.


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

anastasia6 said:


> You've been together 5 years if the sex was sub par and you suffered to the point of suicidal thoughts why get pregnant? Why lock this one in? Of has the sex really changed with the pregnancy? Some men are afraid of hurting the baby.


Thank you for your reply.
It has gotten worse since the pregnancy but was bad before then.
He is my prince charming. He is a perfect man other than this issue.
He is perfect in every way other than sex. And the best dad to all our boys.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Wifeyandmom said:


> Thank you for your reply!
> I think you are right..
> When we got together he bragged about the threesome and swinging. I got the sense he enjoyed it. Then later he said it was "all her idea" and that he didnt really enjoy it. Yet I ask him to do small things and he cant do it but did it for her.
> 
> ...


Yes, that sounds about right for a bad swinging experience. She wanted to screw everything that moved and he went along with it until it got to the point that she was "swinging" without him. (Cheating)

So now you have to pick up the pieces. 

Here is what I think, I think you are going to have to get "rough" so to speak, and get him to recognize what he is doing. 

Your needs are real, they are valid, and he did kind of do a bait and switch on you. Of all the things that people do to each other, I think this is one of the worst. 

You need to be prepared to do some work with him. I really think that you have to insist that he go to a sex therapist with you. He need to talk about what happened in his last marriage and you need to see if the therapist can untangle his emotions about all of this. 

It may take some work. But if you love him, you have to get you both on the same page as the other. 

And if after a while, if nothing changes, you know that you don't want to live with this kind of pain forever.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

One Eighty said:


> I'm just wondering why he went from twice a day to twice a week. That is huge. I mean sure, new relationships generate high levels of excitement for sex. Sure, marriage and the realities of living together can diminish opportunities and desire, sometimes. But this change is too radical to be explained by these factors. I could see maybe going to once a day or maybe even 5 days a week. But 2 times a week from 14? That is off a cliff.
> 
> Could he have a new found love of porn? Could he have a girl on the side?
> 
> ...


Unless, you have a real life crystal ball, I don't think you can really assume any of this as you are doing. It's one thing to have opinions and ideas, you are laying it out as if it were fact. There's a lot of variables and unknowns in play here to assume any of this.


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Yes, that sounds about right for a bad swinging experience. She wanted to screw everything that moved and he went along with it until it got to the point that she was "swinging" without him. (Cheating)
> 
> So now you have to pick up the pieces.
> 
> ...


I am going to find a sex therapist. Its so frustrating because I wish he would man up and do these things. Its not like Im asking for much! Why does he make it so difficult


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

So, you and your first husband got together when you were 12?


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

One Eighty said:


> I'm just wondering why he went from twice a day to twice a week. That is huge. I mean sure, new relationships generate high levels of excitement for sex. Sure, marriage and the realities of living together can diminish opportunities and desire, sometimes. But this change is too radical to be explained by these factors. I could see maybe going to once a day or maybe even 5 days a week. But 2 times a week from 14? That is off a cliff.
> 
> Could he have a new found love of porn? Could he have a girl on the side?
> 
> ...


Good question I am not sure why it went down so much. He says its hard to have sex in the morning because I wake up at 430 now for work and am very tired. However, we sleep in on weekends and still dont have sex. I also tell him on vacation I like sex twice a day but he wont even have sex once a day on vacation. Its like the more I try the less he does.

He doesn't watch porn (that I know of) and is not cheating.

I do feel bait and switched, it sucks.

Here's how a typical week goes...
We try to have sex every night but lets say I initiate I get rejected that night.
He doesnt respond well to me initiating.
So them I am hurt inside and we may have a fight later about it.
Then the next night he will try to have sex and I feel rejected and hurt and I wont have sex.
Then the next night he wont try because he got rejected the night before.
Its a viscous circle. 
He says its hard to try more things when we dont have sex regularly and we need to fix that.
But if he didn't reject me we wouldn't be in this mess.

And all this vanilla sex and rejection kills my libido. I used to not last a day with out sex and now I can.
The pain from sexual rejection is the worse pain a partner can put their spouse through.


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

pidge70 said:


> So, you and your first husband got together when you were 12?


Yes we got together from the time we were 13 and married at 18.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

One Eighty said:


> I'm just wondering why he went from twice a day to twice a week. That is huge. I mean sure, new relationships generate high levels of excitement for sex. Sure, marriage and the realities of living together can diminish opportunities and desire, sometimes. But this change is too radical to be explained by these factors. I could see maybe going to once a day or maybe even 5 days a week. But 2 times a week from 14? That is off a cliff.
> 
> Could he have a new found love of porn? Could he have a girl on the side?
> 
> ...


This is what I am saying form 2 a day to 2 a week, that is like starvation wages...

Something is up.

I am hoping that me and GF can maybe go down to 2 a day. As it is now, when she stays over and stays the day, I do not get a lot of work done on my remodel. 

But I live by a code that says, if your woman wants sex, you give her what she wants.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> But I life by a code that says, if your woman wants sex, you give her what she wants.


Oh my gosh! This is the best code ever!!!


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Wifeyandmom said:


> Here's how a typical week goes...
> We try to have sex every night but lets say I initiate I get rejected that night.
> He doesnt respond well to me initiating.
> So them I am hurt inside and we may have a fight later about it.
> ...


You know what? These little games, this tit for tat. This "you hurt me, so I am going to hurt you" crap HAS TO STOP.

This is NOT how a mature, adult, SUCCESSFUL relationship is fostered. This is how you create resentment and conflict. 

Stop acting like little kids with your feelings hurt, throwing sand at each other.

USE YOUR WORDS. Talk, be real, be vulnerable, and together have some empathy and compassion for each other and work together as a team to solve this issue. Your spouse is your teammate, your partner. 

If a player failed to pass you a ball on the court, would you remember and be a bad team mate the next day, and refuse the pass the ball to them? Assuring that the team fails? Or would you try harder to work together so that you can both be winners? 

You need to talk to him, in a CONSTRUCTIVE way. So, here is my advice, and how I would approach the situation. 

"honey, I know its not your intent, but when I try to be intimate with you, and you can't follow through, it makes me feel bad about myself. Really really bad about myself, it makes me hate myself. I want nothing more in this world than for you to want me, and I really take it personally when I feel like you don't want me"

*because here is the thing* I doubt that is his intention - and how YOU internalize rejection is all YOU. He can't control that. If being denied sex makes you feel suicial - well then, that sounds a little extreme, and perhaps you have your own issues to work on as well. We can't rely on our partners so heavily for validation - in the end that has to come from within. He should NEVER be your reason for living, nor your reason for wanting to die. You have to love yourself more than that. 

So, on that note, I think its important that he understands how severely this is effecting you, but on the other hand, you can't guilt trip him for your own lack of self acceptance. That kind of guilt will build a wall, rather than a bridge between you two. 

Again, you two need to talk. You need to understand your roles, you need to understand how you are affecting each other - because if you LOVE each other - you shouldn't be wanting to hurt each other. That means he isn't trying to hurt you when he doesn't have sex with you, and that means you do not intentionally try to hurt him, by intentionally rejecting him. Honestly I don't get that one at all - that is hurting you both just to be spiteful. Spitefulness has no place in a marriage. 



Wifeyandmom said:


> The pain from sexual rejection is the worse pain a partner can put their spouse through.


Then do not intentionally do this to your husband. Eye for an Eye does NOT work in marriages. But the golden rule does. 

So, you say you two have fought over this a million times. How many times have you had real, deep, vulnerable constructive and respectful conversations about this? If you two do not have the communication skills to make this happen? Being as it is an ongoing issue, that you two fight over, and carry grudges till the next day, tells me that you two do not have good communication and conflict resolution skills. 

That is why counseling would be a wonderful idea. You two need to learn how to communicate without resorting to fighting and being spiteful. That is a one way road to divorce.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Christ, the above went to "bail" way too quick. Not necessarily. It seems there are opportunities for success here too.


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## Rushmore410 (Oct 4, 2017)

I also live in a marriage with 2 different libidos. First thing I learned a the HD partner is never ever turn down sex. It is easy when you are hurt to feel the need to take control and saying no feels good because you assert the same control over them as they do you when they say no. It doesn't work that way. They are relieved when they hear no.

You can't expect your husband to change his libido to match yours. Daily is pretty unrealistic. I wish my wife wanted daily but I learned o certain every week is totally fine for her and daily is what I want. After lots of communication and patients we are happy at 3 to 4 times weekly. 

Also your hormones are crazy now with the baby. Keep that in mind. 

Best of Luck


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Oh my gosh! This is the best code ever!!!


Is there any other code? This is an absolute. 😊


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## Rushmore410 (Oct 4, 2017)

I meant once a week is fine for her. Darn auto correct


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

minimalME said:


> Oh my gosh! This is the best code ever!!!


Caveat:

It’s the best code ever when she wants sex twice a day.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean much when she wants it twice a month.:sleeping::banghead:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Mismatched sexual interests are a huge problem, and very difficult to fix. Neither of you is likely to change, so you need to figure out what will make you the happiest


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Rushmore410 said:


> I also live in a marriage with 2 different libidos. First thing I learned a the HD partner is never ever turn down sex. It is easy when you are hurt to feel the need to take control and saying no feels good because you assert the same control over them as they do you when they say no. It doesn't work that way. They are relieved when they hear no.
> 
> You can't expect your husband to change his libido to match yours. Daily is pretty unrealistic. I wish my wife wanted daily but I learned o certain every week is totally fine for her and daily is what I want. After lots of communication and patients we are happy at 3 to 4 times weekly.
> 
> ...


Don't disagree with all of this, except getting married with different sex drives in the first place. 

However, before OP was married, he was a 2 a day guy and now he is a 2 times a week guy. 

That is a radical shift is libido, don't you think?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Caveat:
> 
> It’s the best code ever when she wants sex twice a day.
> 
> Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean much when she wants it twice a month.:sleeping::banghead:


In the past, when the discussion of preferences has come up, and I've stated that ideally, I'd like sex twice a day, there's not been one man who's said 'that'd be perfect!'. 

I was consistently told to expect less.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Christ, the above went to "bail" way too quick. Not necessarily. It seems there are opportunities for success here too.


I am in no way saying that they should divorce or toss in the towel. I am simply pointing out this is where they will be heading unless both of them stop acting like children about this, and talk it out like adults. 

Upset he didn't have sex with her the night before, so she is going to reject him the next day?

Yeah... thats not going to work. That doesn't solve any problems. A good marriage IS WORK. Its not bad work, its not that uncomfortable work, I prefer the work 100x over fighting.... 

But they have to put in the work, HE does, and SHE does. Otherwise this relationship WILL fail.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Caveat:
> 
> It’s the best code ever when she wants sex twice a day.
> 
> Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean much when she wants it twice a month.:sleeping::banghead:


Actually for me, it does not work like that. 

All of my relationships are with high drive women. I don't date low drive women, never have. 

If this changed in our relationship, I would try to talk about it, and try to fix it, but if that did not work, relationship over. 

Sorry to be such a D*** about it but the code goes both ways. She gets sex when she wants it and I get the same. 

A better way to describe it is sex on demand, only we never have to demand, because it usually just happens.

My body is hers and hers is mine... I am like this with all my serious relationships. I love her, I cherish her, I want her to be happy, and she gets sex as much as she wants and I get the same. 

However, the only problem I am having in sex interfering with remolding the house, that is kind of a kink I the theory.

But overall it has always worked well...


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

minimalME said:


> In the past, when the discussion of preferences has come up, and I've stated that ideally, I'd like sex twice a day, there's not been one man who's said 'that'd be perfect!'.
> 
> I was consistently told to expect less.


Ya know... I see all these people talk about "sex twice a day, every day" and I wonder HOW?!? 

My husband and I do not have kids, yet we would still be hard pressed to make time for enjoyable sex twice a day. For us "sex" usually lasts somewhere between 45 mins to 3+ hours. Ain't no way we are doing that twice a day. Sometimes we will squeeze in a "quickie" (30 mins) in the morning at 5 am before I have to go to work, and of course we can find time in the evening, either before dinner or when we go to bed. 

But twice a day? Every day? As in 700+ times a year? I don't know how people keep that fresh and exciting. 

But then I read, on average people have sex between 7 and 13 mins... okay, I guess that can be done twice a day. 

https://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a5943/average-sex-time-0709/

Sure, when we were young, and didn't live together, and saw each other only a few times a week - we would bang several times a day, every day we saw each other. 

But these days, its quality not quantity. We have sex several times a week - and take lots of get aways. We tend to book a hotel either Friday or Saturday night and have a lovely evening on the town, gobs of hotel sex, its our time to disconnect from the routine and really enjoy each other.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I shouldnthave said:


> Ya know... I see all these people talk about "sex twice a day, every day" and I wonder HOW?!?
> 
> My husband and I do not have kids, yet we would still be hard pressed to make time for enjoyable sex twice a day. For us "sex" usually lasts somewhere between 45 mins to 3+ hours. Ain't no way we are doing that twice a day. Sometimes we will squeeze in a "quickie" (30 mins) in the morning at 5 am before I have to go to work, and of course we can find time in the evening, either before dinner or when we go to bed.
> 
> ...


It's not like a hard standard. It's more the willingness. 

I like waking up to sex, and I like having sex before I go to sleep. 

And the more sex I have, the more sex I want.

On my bucket list of sexual experiences, I'd absolutely love to just lie around in bed all day - touching, playing, talking, having fun. That's never happened for me. But I know, realistically, it wouldn't be a daily thing.


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

Thank you all for your time and thorough replies. Some of It is hard to read but that’s exactly what I need to hear. 

We are acting like children getting back in each other. And now there’s so much pain and resentment that we don’t even know what to do with. 

I think it wouldn’t hurt so much if this wasn’t my second marriage of being rejected constantly. I feel like just to be rejected by both my husbands i must be a terrible person. It’s hard not to let it crushed my soul. I don’t know how not to let it affect me. 

I emailed a counselor for sex therapy so hopefully we can get that started soon. We have had many calm conversations about it. And It always end up with him apologizing and saying he’ll try harder. And then I’ll give it a couple months time and him reject me again and we talk about it again. And Ill bring up again how nothing has changed. I gave him months to try any of these things sexually and he never did try. This happens over and over and over. Months turn into years. And it just creates so much more bitterness. 

I’m definitely committed to the marriage and I’m not giving up. I know we have to work through this


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

minimalME said:


> It's not like a hard standard. It's more the willingness.
> 
> I like waking up to sex, and I like having sex before I go to sleep.
> 
> ...



Now that's the kind of vicious cycle I could get behind!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> Ya know... I see all these people talk about "sex twice a day, every day" and I wonder HOW?!?
> 
> My husband and I do not have kids, yet we would still be hard pressed to make time for enjoyable sex twice a day. For us "sex" usually lasts somewhere between 45 mins to 3+ hours. Ain't no way we are doing that twice a day. Sometimes we will squeeze in a "quickie" (30 mins) in the morning at 5 am before I have to go to work, and of course we can find time in the evening, either before dinner or when we go to bed.
> 
> ...


You have more sex that a lot of people. 

But for me, 2 a day is easy if not time consuming. Kind of a quickie in the morning, between 30 mins and maybe an hour. But then if we are running late, then sometimes we just have to stop so we can get ready. (Which sucks)

Then a longer session in the evening. I am good with that. Now we still don't live together yet, working to get there, but there are logistics and she is teaching one more year. 

Twice a day is good for me most of the time, except when she starts acting sexier than usual, then I have to stop what ever I am doing and take care of that. (provided we are at home working on something)

It doable if you put your mind to it...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Now that's the kind of vicious cycle I could get behind!
> 
> Quote:
> Originally Posted by minimalME View Post
> ...


That describes many a Sat or Sunday before marriage and in marriage before kids......and one of the greatest pleasures of the now empty nest. With my favorite (only) sweetheart.

Some days start out "fun", then continue into "well I'm not in a hurry to go anywhere"...


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Now that's the kind of vicious cycle I could get behind!


Honestly? I think this is true for MANY women. The more sex I have, the more I want. 

The less sex I have? Well.... then the less it is on the forefront of my mind, the less I feel sexy, and I am going to initiate less, and my libido will wane. 

In some ways, men and women tend to be opposite in this. If a man wants advice to improve his libido, we say masturbate less, ditch the porn etc. 

For women - opposite is true, generally they need to be "sexed up" - masturbating often? Great! Some porn to put sex on the mind? Yep, going to help rev her up. 

Men usually need to refill the gas tank before they can orgasm again. But many women are capable to multiple orgasms... we need to keep the motor running, even if its just a low idle, if you want to burn some ties later.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I shouldnthave said:


> The less sex I have? Well.... then the less it is on the forefront of my mind, the less I feel sexy, and I am going to initiate less, and my libido will wane.


Exactly. This is how my marriage was - sexual hibernation.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I shouldnthave said:


> *Honestly? I think this is true for MANY women.* The more sex I have, the more I want.
> 
> The less sex I have? Well.... then the less it is on the forefront of my mind, the less I feel sexy, and I am going to initiate less, and my libido will wane.
> 
> ...


I have read that in multiple sources. It just hasn't borne out in my marriage. My wife, upon having had a satisfying encounter, has filled her tank for some time. The more satisfying the encounter, the longer she goes before desiring it again. Masturbation? That doesn't make her want more. Once satisfied, regardless of the source, the clock is reset.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I have read that in multiple sources. It just hasn't borne out in my marriage. My wife, upon having had a satisfying encounter, has filled her tank for some time. The more satisfying the encounter, the longer she goes before desiring it again. Masturbation? That doesn't make her want more. Once satisfied, regardless of the source, the clock is reset.


What was her libido like before marriage?

Some people are just low drive, or experience changes in hormones, attraction, or even self esteem that dry up their libidos.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I shouldnthave said:


> What was her libido like before marriage?
> 
> Some people are just low drive, or experience changes in hormones, attraction, or even self esteem that dry up their libidos.


We were only moderately active before marriage, with bursts of activity, but in retrospect, it's seems like when we did it multiple times a day, it was when she was less than fully satisfied with the early rounds. I wouldn't call it LD, more like MD if there is such a thing. And while I was much more HD, up until the time we had kids, I was quite content to just spend time with her as we did many things together, exploring our expanding world together. Then, as is often the case, after kids, things went rather downhill. By the time the kids got past needing lots of attention, she began having some health issues. By the time the last fledgling left the nest... menopause. 

For the most part, she didn't O for the early years of our marriage, and we did it more. Then when she got more orgasmic, the frequency slowed down rather than inspiring more desire. Which, of course, made no sense to me. 

And she's remained pretty vanilla throughout. On a couple occasions, I've suggested that a little variety might help her look forward to doing it more often. That was flatly rejected.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Wifeyandmom said:


> The worst part is he has told me about him and his ex wife. They had a threesome and were swingers.
> They also went to strip clubs. This makes me the angriest! He has all these excuses why he cant do these things and yet did so much worse with her. I feel like he must have loved her more.
> I dont feel like I ask for much.
> And the ****ty part is if he did try do these things now it would be so forced.
> I want him to WANT these things too. Not to be forced.


He can tell you all the things in the world, yet his actions are what matter. If you find this unacceptable and he won't meet your wants and desires, you may have to replace him if you want your desires to be satiated.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I shouldnthave said:


> In some ways, men and women tend to be opposite in this. If a man wants advice to improve his libido, we say masturbate less, ditch the porn etc.


I found that when I was not getting any sex (away for weeks or months at a time with for work) I masturbated far less frequently, seldom viewed pornography and my wanting to have sex diminished over time.

Yet when I am getting sex, I find my desire for sex increases considerably and I want more and more of it almost insatiably. While at the same time I masturbate most frequently and view pornography more often as well.



Writing as a close to 47 year old man who is also fat, I often find that on weekends I will have sex in the morning as a quickie thing with one orgasm. Which then sees me having it again in the middle of the day where I will orgasm twice in short order. Followed by having it in the afternoon a couple of hours later with another orgasm. Before doing it one more time in the evening with another orgasm, where afterwards my wife is tired and I will then masturbate at least once and sometimes twice afterwards because I want more.

Whereas during the week we usually have sex once a day every two days, while I will masturbate 2-3x a day. While we do sometimes have sex twice a day on weekdays and then I tend to masturbate 1-2x a day.

I also find that the more often I masturbate the more control I have over when I orgasm, so if we're in a hurry I can choose to orgasm quickly. Whereas if we've got a long time I can choose to set a varying pace which allows me to be erect for an extremely long time, to enjoy the pleasure of the sensation.

Plus I can frequently control my orgasm in part, by starting to orgasm and then easing off before a complete orgasm with almost nothing come out. Then losing the rest of that orgasm, stay erect and then keep doing that repeatedly for a fair while. To prolong my orgasm experience when masturbating or having sex with my wife while inside her vagina, anus or mouth.



Considering my experience I sometimes wonder when it comes to libido, if it's actually bad advice to tell men to masturbate less and to ditch pornography.



I shouldnthave said:


> For women - opposite is true, generally they need to be "sexed up" - masturbating often? Great! Some porn to put sex on the mind? Yep, going to help rev her up.


While my wife also wants more sex the more often she has sex, and less often when she's not having much sex. Which is not dependent upon her masturbating in her own time, which she is not big on at all. Yet being sexual with her and telling her what I want her to do, or what I'm going to do and how I am going to have her and touching her sexually, is what gets her motor running and sees her wanting it to begin with.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Wait...you are a man and can have multiple orgasms??? When I blow my load, I go flaccid within a minute and start craving a midnight snack. Tell me your secrets...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Wait...you are a man and can have multiple orgasms??? When I blow my load, I go flaccid within a minute and start craving a midnight snack. Tell me your secrets...


Thinking about it more I would say frequent masturbation helps on that score. It's the knowing when I am having an orgasm and the controlling of ejaculation. So when I feel the orgasm, there are times when I can dial back the stimulation, while getting to enjoy an orgasm where I don't ejaculate much or don't ejaculate at all. Thus allowing me to prolong such things and keep going for more along the way.

Apologies @Wifeyandmom for the diversion. Of which getting back to the OP, you need to address this with your husband directly and his actions in response in the longer term going forward should remove any doubt about where you stand.

Plus another thing to consider, since at it's core a marriage is generally a sexual relationship, you cannot have and don't have a good marriage if your marriage has bad foundations.


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## ohthanks02 (Apr 29, 2018)

this doesnt make anysense is this a troll post? not trying to say ur lieing but
you said ur 29 and u said u have been with ur husband for 5 years meaning you met when u were 24....
but u said u have been with ur ex husband but 12 years... 
does this mean u met when u were 12 years old???


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## Wifeyandmom (Apr 30, 2018)

Its not a troll post I swear. My ex and I started dating at 13 and married at 18. We were wach others first everything. 

On a side note my husband fingered me in a public place last night. (No one was around!)I am so happy!!!! He thought of it all on his own!! I hope we can keep this up!!!


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

"For women - opposite is true, generally they need to be "sexed up" - masturbating often? Great!"


This is what works for me. I am low drive, but masturbate a couple or three times a day without orgasm. It's increased my sex drive and made our sex life a lot more fulfilling for both of us, as he is more high drive than I am.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Wifeyandmom said:


> Its not a troll post I swear. My ex and I started dating at 13 and married at 18. We were wach others first everything.
> 
> On a side note my husband fingered me in a public place last night. (No one was around!)I am so happy!!!! He thought of it all on his own!! I hope we can keep this up!!!



Awesome! If he thought of this, he might also enjoy you wearing skirts with no underwear out in public, or remote controlled vibrators that he can manipulate while you guys are out in public, stuff like that.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

communication and willingness to be truly open with each other. Another point would be to go stealth mode for a few...Then you start to let him know how much you "crave" him. I know on my part...Knowing that my partner is wanting not just sex...But with ME! Big turn on.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Knowing that my partner is wanting not just sex...But with ME! Big turn on.


Yes yes yes.

I have found in my relationship, and in observing others, making your partner feel DESIRED is sooooo important.

Just wanting sex.... Well, that often doesn't make someone feel special, thats like you have an itch that needs scratched.

But if you make it clear the need, the desire, the thing that is wanted is not just to get off... No, it's to be intimate with their partner.

Think not "I need sex!" But more "I need to be intimate with YOU" - Make them the object of desire.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Wifeyandmom said:


> Thank you for your time in reading this.
> 
> I am writing about my husband and I.
> Hes 36 and I am 29. We have been together 5 years.
> ...


Where do women find men like this. 

If my wife was doing what you are. :grin2:

To be honest my wife did the first 8 years of our marriage. Just no toys, she is not into them. Everything changed when we started having kids. We stopped doing things like date night and weekend getaways. Family was even offering to watch kids but my wife always said no. Anyway here we are now, I finally gave up trying and she noticed. Now just waiting for my youngest to finish HS. Will go from there.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

I think he wants to swing. Once you get into a swinging lifestyle it's hard to go back to sexual monogamy. Yes when you first get together the sex was great but now he needs that spark to get him going. I watched a couple different documentaries on the swinging lifestyle. It's kind of like drinking non alcohol beer. Yes it's beer but it's not giving you a buzz. From what I seen in most couples that swing is that it tends to work out better for more older relationships. If you think you need to swing only a few years into a relationship it's not a good sign.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

ABHale said:


> Where do women find men like this.


Where do men find women like wifeyandmom? He should be so happy to have her.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Wifeyandmom said:


> Good question I am not sure why it went down so much. He says its hard to have sex in the morning because I wake up at 430 now for work and am very tired. However, we sleep in on weekends and still dont have sex. I also tell him on vacation I like sex twice a day but he wont even have sex once a day on vacation. Its like the more I try the less he does.


If I'm being honest, you just sound oversexed to him at this point.

My ex sister-in-law was just like you. She wanted sex all the time. And like your husband, at first my brother was only too happy to oblige. Sex once, twice and three times a day???? Hell, he'd hit the jackpot! All he had to do was look at her sideways and they were off to the races. Sex was flowing from the taps for him.

But eventually, like any good thing, too much of it and the thrill wears off. Hey, I love pizza but I don't want to eat it twice a day every single damned day for the rest of my life.

Too much of ANY good thing eventually becomes almost burdensome. It sounds like *that's *where your husband is at. My brother had the same exact reaction. After a couple years of constant sex, it really started to lose it's appeal. The twice a day thing stopped, the every day thing stopped, and eventually, he actually started avoided going home after work because he didn't want to come home to her knowing she was expecting to have sex with him. Or, he'd walk through the door and there she'd be - scantily dressed giving him an option of sex or dinner. When it gets to the point that you're stalling going home at night after work, that speaks volumes. And that's exactly what your husband did when you opened your robe - he pretended not to see the lingerie because he didn't want to have sex.

My brother told me it got to the point were ALL he wanted was dinner when he got home and nothing else, and he was burned out. Lost interest. It was just too easy always being thrown at him all the time and it wasn't fun or sexy anymore for him. They remained married for 18 years but more as friends and co-parents for their kid and they never went back to the way it had been the first couple of years.

I think your husband is plain burnt out.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> If I'm being honest, you just sound oversexed to him at this point.
> 
> My ex sister-in-law was just like you. She wanted sex all the time. And like your husband, at first my brother was only too happy to oblige. Sex once, twice and three times a day???? Hell, he'd hit the jackpot! All he had to do was look at her sideways and they were off to the races. Sex was flowing from the taps for him.
> 
> ...


That is a horrible story. Maybe your brother and his wife had mismatched sex drives. 

This woman has ever right to expect her husband to at least compromise and have sex 3 or so times a weak. 

It would be the same expectation for a woman in her H's position.

How can we look down or shame anyone that wants to have healthy sex with their partner. 

Most marriages would be better of with more sex not less. 

I just don't understand this thinking...


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