# We were individuals before we were mothers



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I was a Spanish major in college. My last semester, 24 years ago, I took a class on Spanish civilization. I read about Sevilla and Granada and always wanted to visit those cities. Last week I finally did.

I loved it. I loved the architecture and the colors and the parks. I loved the friendly, genuine people and the sunshine and talking nearly nonstop with my daughter and walking around with her all day long. It was just great. And I wonder why I waited so long to take that trip.

It is so easy to lose ourselves as wives and mothers. So often we give ourselves to our husbands and children. Caring for our families can feel like the only thing that matters.

But we were our own people before we were moms. And those interests are still there, just neglected for some of us.

I don't think I could have done things differently the last two decades, considering my personality. I am an all-in kind of gal. But it is nice to know, as my children get older and I kind of emerge from constantly being on duty with them, that I still have my own interests that I can come back to. They nurture me. They make me feel like my own person.

Ladies, feel free to share any thoughts and experiences you have had along these lines. Have you felt your family takes everything out of you? Have you been able to conserve your own interests? How have you nurtured yourself as you have cared for your family?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

@jld, I know exactly what you are talking about. As my kids are getting older, I am questioning what my new purpose should be.

I feel that I have given up so much to be with these kids and sometimes the old me feels lost and forgotten. I am mum, wife and homemaker. Ann is no where in those descriptions. So, every now and then I have to remind myself to get to know me again.

I do this by learning something new. I find a new hobby. I read books on spirituality and I listen to music. I live in NYC so there is a lot to get involved with. I check out the MET for a new exhibition and learn about the artist. I am lucky that my DD has the same sort of interest as me. So, I have a partner in my adventures. 

I so enjoy her company now that she is older. It's wonderful traveling with her. She is always up for a new adventure. I am so luck with her. 

This summer we are going to Montreal for two weeks. We might have to take the boy, which we don't want to do. He never wants to do anything. I am thinking a girls trip only.

Now I think of her as someone I can do things with. Instead of someone who needs me for something. It's interesting how the paradigm has shifted.

So glad you've had a great time and had the opportunity to get to fulfill one of your dreams. Live it up girl.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thanks, Ann. 

Girls' trip to Montreal sounds great. And dd and I can totally relate to not being thrilled to take "the boy who never wants to do anything" along. 

So glad you are enjoying time with your daughter, too.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, I can relate very, very much. 

Like you, jld, I'm not sure I would have done it differently, but I do feel like it's time to redirect my energies towards something besides being a mom. 

I think my husband and I both feel a shift as the kids move into being teenagers. We feel okay about focusing more on ourselves as a couple, and as individuals. He's always has his career, and will probably now have the freedom to focus on it a bit more, as well as his own interests and hobbies. 

As for me . . . I'm not sure. I'm conflicted about directing a large portion of my time and energy away from the family. On the one hand, it is the thing that matters most to me in my life. I'm proud of the sacrifices I made, and the kids and my husband have benefited, have noticed, and have made me feel like they appreciate it. On the other hand, I've always been a very cerebral person, and I feel like my brain has sort of died over the past 15 years, lol. I don't know where to start. 

Maybe taking a trip would be a good idea. It's stimulating to see new places and think about the people and history of the area. But I also would like to find something to focus on--a job or a career? I'd like something where I feel like I'm contributing and not just exploring and waking up my brain for my own sake. 

I've noticed that other women in my situation go through the same thing at similar points in their lives (and I think men, too, have their "transition" phase, but for different reasons.) It's a natural thing, I think, to re-assess and ask, "Okay, what am I going to do for the second half of my life?"


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

ok, so this is a little bit different for me. I went from parents house to dorm room to living with a husband. I had three kids by the time I was 22. So.... I never got to be a person before I had them. AGH! I really needed to do that. You really need to be resolute in your convictions to be a parent. I never sat down to figure out the person I wanted to be.. and that got me into trouble (see the CWI section here)
Anyway, I am finding, since they left home, all sort of things I want to do. I started yoga - like intense yoga practice, I got my MA, ran three marathons, did 3 triathlons, etc. So, I am starting to find my way to a real person the last 5 years here. What growing pains I've had. 
I wish I had done it like you guys.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> ok, so this is a little bit different for me. I went from parents house to dorm room to living with a husband. I had three kids by the time I was 22. So.... I never got to be a person before I had them. AGH! I really needed to do that. You really need to be resolute in your convictions to be a parent. I never sat down to figure out the person I wanted to be.. and that got me into trouble (see the CWI section here)
> Anyway, I am finding, since they left home, all sort of things I want to do. I started yoga - like intense yoga practice, I got my MA, ran three marathons, did 3 triathlons, etc. So, I am starting to find my way to a real person the last 5 years here. What growing pains I've had.
> I wish I had done it like you guys.


I think I had them too young, too, actually. 

But like someone told me once, when is it ever a good time to give your life away?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

My kids are 6 and 7. We are just rounding the corner out of the last of the need-me-every-moment and into seeing them blossom as individuals. I am cherishing it. 

One thing I did not have as a kid was my own identity. My parents had a mold that they expected me to fit into and they groomed me into it. As a result when I was finally on my own in college I felt exceptionally lost. I knew what I didn't like but I couldn't tell you what I DID like. I was never really given that choice before. 

I'm big on experiences. I think they offer unparalleled learning opportunities. I encourage my kids to try everything that even remotely sounds interesting to them. We take tons of trips (local and cheap) to give them experiences. My son is interested in history. So we took him to museums and he wanted to learn more. So we will be taking him to Monticello soon. My daughter loves animals. We've done lots of outdoor activities and she wanted more. So I'm getting her involved in volunteering at a wildlife conservation (with me). I love watching them develop. 

And we've explored some things and found them to be duds. But the journey is important to me. 

I decided when I had my kids that we were going to go on the journey together. It isn't just about them and it isn't just about me. We coexist and celebrate our differences and learn tolerance as we go for each of our different likes and dislikes. I want them to learn to respect those who are different from them. 

It seems to be working. It's not always rainbows and unicorns. But I want them to get to college (or wherever they go after high school) and have some experiences to draw from when they start steering their path to the future.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I don't think I've let being a mom stop me from continuing to follow my interests. I'm very outdoorsy and I just bring along my family to enjoy it as well. We all go on fun hikes, explore new places, go kayaking, go camping, etc. I'm glad I get to experience it with them all. My son now loves hiking too and we recently went on a beautiful waterfall hike. I loved seeing my little toddler's excitement at the whole experience. I'm sure it will be tough for a while when the new baby gets here, but after a while we'll get back to exploring and experiencing new things. We're lucky to live in an area where there is so much to learn around us, both in the city and in nature.


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## misslonelyheart (Apr 3, 2016)

Awesome thread ladies! Makes me think maybe I shouldn't be in such a hurry to settle down. Although since I'm caregiver for my grandparents I can't really travel any more than a mom can. I can't really leave them overnight they aren't exactly the picture of health anymore. But maybe I should take more chances to travel when I do have them, like when family is visiting for extended periods of time. I can let other people take my place with the grands for short periods of time. Won't be able to do that with my own kids.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I don't have kids yet, so can't comment. But yay on the trip to Spain! We are going next month and I cannot wait. I have never gone to Europe and I'm so excited. We have a timeshare in Malaga booked for the week...

And we're each taking our moms. LOL. People were telling us we're weird, but both our moms are in their 60s and raised us as single parents. They sacrificed so much for us. Neither of them have been to Europe. And we don't know for sure when/if there will be a next time so we're taking them. We know for sure none of our siblings would think to do it. The timeshare has 3 bedrooms, there's plenty of room.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Our interests can also be morphed by our kids. My daughter is a ballet dancer and I have been learning more about the art of tutu making. Always been a sewer, and this allows me a creative outlet. My first leaves for college in the fall, then DD two years after. I hope to improve my skills and continue after she is done dancing. I really enjoy it. 

I've also recently started yoga. I'm digging it! I use to play tennis, but I went back to work and I just didn't have the time to keep my game up.

I'm really trying to prepare myself for the empty nest by investing in me. Now I just need my H to do the same for himself and us.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Celes said:


> I don't have kids yet, so can't comment. But yay on the trip to Spain! We are going next month and I cannot wait. I have never gone to Europe and I'm so excited. We have a timeshare in Malaga booked for the week...
> 
> And we're each taking our moms. LOL. People were telling us we're weird, but both our moms are in their 60s and raised us as single parents. They sacrificed so much for us. Neither of them have been to Europe. And we don't know for sure when/if there will be a next time so we're taking them. We know for sure none of our siblings would think to do it. The timeshare has 3 bedrooms, there's plenty of room.


I hope you have a great time, Celes. I am sure you will. 

I commented to dd that Spain would be a great intro to Europe for Americans, especially in terms of recovering from jet lag. The meals are much later than our own, and stores stay open much later than in some Northern European countries, so adjusting to a new schedule is much easier than it might be elsewhere.

Are you flying into Madrid and taking the _AVE_ down to Malaga?

Very nice of both of you to take your mothers. I think that is how it is supposed to be--parents take care of their kids, and then kids take care of their parents. I think the Spanish see it that way, too.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> I don't think I've let being a mom stop me from continuing to follow my interests. I'm very outdoorsy and I just bring along my family to enjoy it as well.


Same here. My son has always travelled with us and participated in our leisure activities like hiking, sailing, skiing and such.

I think having only the one child makes it more affordable.

As I get older, I'm finding my work needs to be much more about contribution than just a paycheque. I'm also becoming much more selective about those I choose to spend my energy on. Part of this is my energy isn't what it was and part of it is I get impatient with inefficient process more than I used to.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

JLD how AWESOME that you're got to bond with your daughter in the place of your dreams! 

I look forward to the days when our children will be old enough to take to outside adventures. My H and I enjoy outdoor activities and we had hoped his temporary assignment would have given us and the 2 year old lots and lots of such opportunities. But God chose instead to bless us with 2 more precious LO's and to challenge us with lots and lots of time apart. But that time will come for us in am sure of it.

I am such a family oriented person and family is the focus of my aspirations. I almost feel like I was created to nurture and that is my contribution to the world. I would LOVE to visit the European countrysides of France, Germany and Ireland. When I picture myself there I picture my kids running happily in the meadows and hillsides. I hardly have vision beyond my kids right now. I'm sure those visions will shift as they transition. 

I also still aspire to keep our side business in real estate going. I can picture us as a couple being quite successful with it and also being able to set our own pace. However my H is too nervous about not having a sure source of income so he is not willing to let go of outside employment. That means at best I can only Dibble and dabble but maybe in the future we will be able to accumulate a cushion where he feels safe.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

thefam said:


> JLD how AWESOME that you're got to bond with your daughter in the place of your dreams!
> 
> I look forward to the days when our children will be old enough to take to outside adventures. My H and I enjoy outdoor activities and we had hoped his temporary assignment would have given us and the 2 year old lots and lots of such opportunities. But God chose instead to bless us with 2 more precious LO's and to challenge us with lots and lots of time apart. But that time will come for us in am sure of it.
> 
> ...


I think you have already been very successful. Didn't you net over 100k in just one sale? And you have had several sales, correct?


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> ok, so this is a little bit different for me. I went from parents house to dorm room to living with a husband. I had three kids by the time I was 22. So.... I never got to be a person before I had them. AGH! I really needed to do that. You really need to be resolute in your convictions to be a parent. I never sat down to figure out the person I wanted to be.. and that got me into trouble (see the CWI section here)
> *Anyway, I am finding, since they left home, all sort of things I want to do. I started yoga - like intense yoga practice, I got my MA, ran three marathons, did 3 triathlons, etc. So, I am starting to find my way to a real person the last 5 years here. What growing pains I've had. *
> I wish I had done it like you guys.


Love this! Hope you have let go of past regrets.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

jld said:


> I think you have already been very successful. Didn't you net over 100k in just one sale? And you have had several sales, correct?


Yes JLD but that is not enough for him! He has actually said we need all 3 kids' college education taken care of AND 3 years of his salary in savings before he would even consider quitting his job. He won't even consider looking for another government contractor job where he wouldn't have to travel as much because he would have to take a cut in pay. Frustrating but I just have to take the negative with the positive.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

thefam said:


> Yes JLD but that is not enough for him! He has actually said we need all 3 kids' college education taken care of AND 3 years of his salary in savings before he would even consider quitting his job. He won't even consider looking for another government contractor job where he wouldn't have to travel as much because he would have to take a cut in pay. Frustrating but I just have to take the negative with the positive.


He should listen to you. Tell him I said so.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

jld said:


> He should listen to you. Tell him I said so.


LOL! I'm going to screenshot and send it to him. He will either break out in a wide grin or be irritated as he1l. :laugh:


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Men are not immune to such things either.
I used to fly planes, race cars, ski, travel, golf competitively, motorcycles, etc.
Now I am the invisible handy man. I shut up, pay the bills and keep things running.
My kids will remember me fondly when I'm dead. 

It's not so bad. You just have to go with the flow. Life changes and people get old. 
You end up being the one everyone else counts on. It's all good.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

sapientia said:


> Same here. My son has always travelled with us and participated in our leisure activities like hiking, sailing, skiing and such.
> 
> I think having only the one child makes it more affordable.
> 
> As I get older, I'm finding my work needs to be much more about contribution than just a paycheque. I'm also becoming much more selective about those I choose to spend my energy on. Part of this is my energy isn't what it was and part of it is I get impatient with inefficient process more than I used to.


Yea, my son does it all with us. He's 2 and a half, but he's been kayaking, sailing, hiking, camping, etc. It's great for him to experience and I love it, too. We'll continue to do that after this next baby(our last one) due this summer. I love being able to do things I love and see it through their eyes. The awe and wonder of doing all these different things for the first time is so fun to watch.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jld said:


> I was a Spanish major in college. My last semester, 24 years ago, I took a class on Spanish civilization. I read about Sevilla and Granada and always wanted to visit those cities. Last week I finally did.
> 
> I loved it. I loved the architecture and the colors and the parks. I loved the friendly, genuine people and the sunshine and talking nearly nonstop with my daughter and walking around with her all day long. It was just great. And I wonder why I waited so long to take that trip.
> 
> ...


I never stopped being an individual when I became a mother. When I was a SAHM, I applied my individual skills, sense of humor, caring, love, intelligence to that. Just like I do to everything else I do.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

UMP said:


> Men are not immune to such things either.
> I used to fly planes, race cars, ski, travel, golf competitively, motorcycles, etc.
> Now I am the invisible handy man. I shut up, pay the bills and keep things running.
> My kids will remember me fondly when I'm dead.
> ...


Why can't you do some of that stuff with your kids though? You can go skiing with your child(ren) or travel with them. I would be so sad to never go kayaking or camping or other things I love just because I had kids. We take our son with us and he loves it as much as we do. We're going on a trip this summer before baby #2 gets here to explore a new town, with some great hiking trails, a beautiful beach, etc.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am just amazed at how much better I feel after that trip. So relaxed and happy. It was such a pleasure being with my daughter and being intellectually stimulated every day, walking lots through beautiful areas, speaking a foreign language. I feel more patient now with my boys, not bothered by so many little things at home. Just happier all around.

I really should have paid better attention to my own needs the last few decades. Everything was subsumed to the needs of the family.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> Why can't you do some of that stuff with your kids though? You can go skiing with your child(ren) or travel with them. I would be so sad to never go kayaking or camping or other things I love just because I had kids. We take our son with us and he loves it as much as we do. We're going on a trip this summer before baby #2 gets here to explore a new town, with some great hiking trails, a beautiful beach, etc.


My kids are older 21,19,17
"enjoy them while they are young." I can't tell you how many people told me this when I had small children. They were right and we did much with our kids. Now as young adults, they really don't want much to do with their parents. 
They eat, they sleep and they leave. 

Even when I try to ski with my son, eventually he leaves me in the dust with his other buddies. They want their time alone.

Such is life. I'm cool with it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am not really sure how to answer this question so much.. as my life was basically pretty boring.. in comparison to some of the aspirations many of you've had or want to pursue...

I didn't do much of anything exciting when I was a teen...just going to youth group, hanging out with friends , riding bikes up & down old country roads & swimming at a stripmine.. oh & we went to these Local rock concerts at the Firehall.. loved that.. then I met my husband.. started working at age 16, graduated at 17, moved in with his family at 18...we both worked full time & enjoyed our romance & togetherness, an occasional Rock concert, hanging with friends, enjoying movies together..type stuff... 

MY LIFE before kids was basically wrapped up into being with my husband... that's what I enjoyed, where I was at... and I so longed for a family of our own...I wanted to have kids YOUNG so we could do things with them.. grow together with them....

I never felt it was a sacrifice in any way to be home with them. I seen it all as a privilege.. I was on top of the world when they started coming one after another.. I hung those diapers on the line with a smile! 

I can't say I ever allowed the kids to slow me down from anything I enjoyed.. still some concerts, we'd go to movies.....we drove 18 hrs to Disney non stop with 4, the youngest was 8 months old at the time...

One thing very important to me, a must, was our family vacations & day excursions.... visiting a museum, Amusement parks, the Zoo, the aviary, children's museums, Sea world, Science centers, going Camping, hiking in the woods...taking a ride on the railroad, water parks, bike riding, local Fairs, swimming... as the family grew, so long as we could afford it & had room..I'd tell the kids to bring a friend or 2...fill our Suburban up -it holds 9..

To me.. this was Excitement, Living...also I liked to throw large parties for the kids, Bonfires, a movie outside.. I am too much of a Mother I guess.. this has been my Joy.. I'll miss it.. but then hopefully we'll have some grand kids someday... still got a number of years to go with our youngest around. 

As they grow up & leave the nest...I just see me working more-to help them through college while me & hubby plan more "just us" outings.. I foresee us taking Bus trips.. maybe we'll take a Cruise on a big ship.. On the bucket list .. would love to ride Donkeys into the Grand Canyon.. husband has never been on an airplane... I think we need to take a trip like that someday.


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