# Marriage and sexual obligation



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is something that troubles me from time to time actually, what's with all the obligations?

I don't understand... I guess my marriage was rather chaotic from the start with lack of established boundaries and such but to this day the one thing I don't do is to get her to do something out of obligation of being my wife such as sex (Even if she has had a problem of demanding sex from me but that issue is mostly resolved).

Now I know I'm a real insensitive jerk who has a bad habit of putting my wife down from time to time, but what's with this obligation thing? I know I can't judge but... I prefer to treat my wife like a human being, even if she sometimes treats me like her man-slave.

Still... am I the only one who thinks this way?
I don't know, I'm young and learning =/


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sex with my husband is never viewed as an obligation...I can't wait to get him in bed, and he me.  It's a perk to our otherwise day to day drudge of kids, house, work and bills.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

It's not an obligation. 

But if he has the needs or she has the needs, and you are the only person which has what he or she can get( You don't want him or her to have their needs met somewhere else, that's forcing people to commit adultery). It's essential for you to understand the importance of making him or her happy. 

But the man or the woman can't demand sex, they have to make sex a joyable activity for both of the husband and wife to enjoy!


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Sex is not as enjoyable when the other person is obligated to fulfill that person's needs. The best sex comes from giving of yourself to your spouse, and not from taking what you feel you deserve.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Exactly! If anything I feel obliged - willingly, to get her in the mood and send her to heaven!

Somethings I do have strong opinions against, obligatory sex is one of them, and even asking for sex... argh... makes me facepalm everytime! heh


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## canjad80 (Oct 31, 2011)

Obligation is a funny word...

I'm LD and my partner is HD, and there is a huge discrepancy between our ideal frequency. I do have sex with him out of obligation, and he knows it. *BUT* I make damn sure that he can't tell the difference between the times I want to have sex with him and the times that I do it just to make him happy. Obligatory sex, doesn't have to equal dead fish  

We want to be with each other so we compromise. He doesn't get as much sex as he'd like, I get more than I'd like. Both of us are happy because we know the other respects and cares enough to try.

IMO, unless you and your partner's desire levels mesh perfectly, there will always be some degree of "obligation" on one side or the other.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Words are funny things. Frame a circumstance with a particular word and it invariably conjures up a very specific belief or interpretation of that word. 

Many people assign a negative connotation to the words; obligation, expectation, or constraint.

To my mind, all of those words are applicable in defining a marriage. Depending upon how you feel about your marriage, will color how you apply those words to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

canjad80 said:


> Obligation is a funny word...
> 
> I'm LD and my partner is HD, and there is a huge discrepancy between our ideal frequency. I do have sex with him out of obligation, and he knows it. *BUT* I make damn sure that he can't tell the difference between the times I want to have sex with him and the times that I do it just to make him happy. Obligatory sex, doesn't have to equal dead fish
> 
> ...


Sometimes, that obligation can be a good thing for the marriage (provided it is an unusual event). It is a way of showing that they love you and you love them. The other night, my wife was not mentally into it, though physically was able. She insisted that we have sex, so that she could “take care of” me. She was not really into it, but kept whispering in my ear to “let [her] take care of it.” It had been a couple of days and this was her way of showing that she loved me and did want to take care of me. It is the same reason that, after a long day of chores that included stacking wood and hauling junk around, I gave her a foot massage after she had been standing all day. Her feet hurt and I wanted to “take care of” her. She hinted a bit at it, and I wanted to make her life a bit easier, even when I could have reasonably avoided it. Is that obligation, love, or perhaps both.

It is easy to do things for your spouse when everything is just right. It’s when they do things for you when they don’t have to that can really show you where the relationship is at. What some people call obligation may be a way to show how much they love you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think anybody who’s wants to be in a long term marriage and thinks they aren’t going to get sex as an obligation at times from their partner is under an illusion and due for a big disappointment. As long as it’s enjoyable, what does it matter? As long as there is attraction, passion and desire there, what does it matter? The thing is to be creative in these things and always learning and trying new things. Some of us are/were lucky enough to have wives who truly valued us and had a Golden Rule that said “I will never turn him down when he wants sex” and wives who keep their body in trim so they are attractive to their mate.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I think if she is viewing sex with you or anything else for that matter out of obligation, then it seems there might still be some anger/resentment she is still harboring. IMO, if she has forgiven you for past things, then maybe that resentment might not still be there. BUT if you continue to put her down from time to time, then I doubt she can heal and move forward from the resentment if you're still a trigger for her.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I think anybody who’s wants to be in a long term marriage and thinks they aren’t going to get sex as an obligation at times from their partner is under an illusion and due for a big disappointment. As long as it’s enjoyable, what does it matter? As long as there is attraction, passion and desire there, what does it matter? The thing is to be creative in these things and always learning and trying new things. _Some of us are/were lucky enough to have wives who truly valued us and had a Golden Rule that said “I will never turn him down when he wants sex” and wives who keep their body in trim so they are attractive to their mate_.


I am one of those wives. :smthumbup: We have a very happy marriage and he is willing to do many things to make my life sweeter. I don't even turn my husband down if I am sick and I would never think of withholding sex just because I am angry. 

When I read posts by members who are in sexless marriages, I want to weep for them.  Such a cold marriage must be _lonely_. 

"Sexless marriage" is an oxymoron. After all, a marriage without sex is just two roommates sharing a life.


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Words are funny things. Frame a circumstance with a particular word and it invariably conjures up a very specific belief or interpretation of that word.
> 
> Many people assign a negative connotation to the words; obligation, expectation, or constraint.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 

*ob·li·ga·tion
   [ob-li-gey-shuhn]
noun
1.
something by which a person is bound or obliged to do certain things, and which arises out of a sense of duty or results from custom, law, etc.*

Considering the definition above, I would say my wife is obliged to fulfill my sexual needs, and me hers. Just because I choose to define it as an obligation, doesnt mean I force her into it. Doesnt mean we have a set schedule, and it doesnt mean that if she says no i throw a tantrum like a 5-year-old.

Just because something is an obligation, doesnt mean you cant enjoy it.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I dated a guy like this a few years ago. He felt "obligated" to act like an ass, and call me names etc, so I felt "obligated" to not continue to have sex with him.  Its funny how he felt he deserved sex regardless of how he treated me, sorry doesn't work like that in my book.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Talk about obligation. 

Last week was my mother's birthday. My wife doesn't really have much to do with her (she doesn't live in the US). I told my wife that I believe that this is her obligation to make sure to talk to her, and I will not be the one running after her with a phone "oh here is my mother talk to her please".

She didn't call still!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Talk about obligation.
> 
> Last week was my mother's birthday. My wife doesn't really have much to do with her (she doesn't live in the US). I told my wife that I believe that this is her obligation to make sure to talk to her, and I will not be the one running after her with a phone "oh here is my mother talk to her please".
> 
> She didn't call still!


Why should she feel obligated to call your mother if they don't get along?


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Why should she feel obligated to call your mother if they don't get along?


Because some things you have to do, whether you like it or not.

I do not expect her to be her friend, to call her every week or even every month. I do expect her to call once a year or so. This is the minimum she has to do because she is my mother.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Because some things you have to do, whether you like it or not.
> 
> I do not expect her to be her friend, to call her every week or even every month. I do expect her to call once a year or so. This is the minimum she has to do because she is my mother.


Well apparently she doesn't feel obligated, since she didn't call her.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Well apparently she doesn't feel obligated, since she didn't call her.


...Or its because she didn't get her acts together.

I believe that obligation is a universal term. Its not up to what you feel or not. Its whether or not is the right and MUST thing to do.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> ...Or its because she didn't get her acts together.
> 
> I believe that obligation is a universal term. Its not up to what you feel or not. Its whether or not is the right and MUST thing to do.


I can see that...I guess some people feel in their mind some things are not the "right thing" to do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I have an obligation to drive on the proper side of the street and to not steal. I don't find either obligation particularly troublesome. The Bible is pretty clear about spouses surrendering their body to their mate. Don't like the rule? Take it up with the One who made it. Not a Believer? That's cool. Mate selection has always been about mating which requires sex. Why get hung up on words like "olbigation" or "duty" or "responsibility"? Each of these are really another way of saying "privilege". I am the only man on earth "privileged" to take care of my wife's sexual needs, therefore, I do have an obligation as her husband to perform the functions I agreed to by marrying her. Again, if marriage places no special rights, privileges, or duties on anyone, what's the point? A contract which places no expectation of performance on either party is a meaningless piece of paper. Might as well just shack up if the idea is that either will selfishly do only what they wish, when they wish. 
As a cop and a soldier, I also have obligations to my city, my fellow officers, my country, and my soldiers. Far from being a burden, it's a great source of pride. I have an obligation to feed the kids I created. It never occurred to me that this obligation was some heavy weight or that it victimized me. I willingly became a father and I willingly got married. My wife and kids reasonably expect things from me and I am proud to deliver as best I can.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

I think there is an obligation to try to meet the other persons needs. If she wants to have sex and I'm not in the mood I'm still willing to try to get into the mood. If I'm not up for it I'm still willing to do whatever I can to help her get off. Unfortunately she does not share the same sense of duty as me.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Obligation is a funny thing. You have an obligation to play with your children as they grow up, and that's great. You have an obligation to pay taxes, and that isn't so great.

Depending on whether or not you rank having sex as like playing with your kids or paying income tax, your view of "obligation" may be wildly different.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

As soon as sex is considered an obligation, it basically stops. Who needs the pressure? If one partner doesn't want sex nagging them about it or telling them they have to do it as part of their marital duties is a sure way to turn them off like a light switch.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> The Bible is pretty clear about spouses surrendering their body to their mate. Don't like the rule? Take it up with the One who made it. Not a Believer? That's cool. Mate selection has always been about mating which requires sex. Why get hung up on words like "olbigation" or "duty" or "responsibility"? Each of these are really another way of saying "privilege". I am the only man on earth "privileged" to take care of my wife's sexual needs, therefore, I do have an obligation as her husband to perform the functions I agreed to by marrying her. Again, if marriage places no special rights, privileges, or duties on anyone, what's the point? A contract which places no expectation of performance on either party is a meaningless piece of paper.


I'm not religious but my wife is. Can you provide some Bible references?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Thor said:


> I'm not religious but my wife is. Can you provide some Bible references?


Here's a good article about 1 Corinthians 7 - the responsibility exists both ways.

1 Cor 7 - Sexual Responsibility


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Here's a good article about 1 Corinthians 7 - the responsibility exists both ways.
> 
> 1 Cor 7 - Sexual Responsibility


Thanks.

Double thanks! That's a good website.


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## chastenor (Aug 7, 2011)

In a civilised world we all do things we don't want to do. Like going to work, being nice to the in-laws, not attacking our better half with a machete. But in the end we have to do what is best for US, otherwise we are wasting our lives. Sex with my partners has never been an obligation, but always a pleasure, because pleasing my partner makes me feel good and allows me to enjoy sex as well. We all compromise and we all feel 'obligated' in some ways, but surely sex should never be seen as an 'obligation'. If we don't enjoy being with our partner, we need to do something about that: either move on or learn to enjoy them. I have found John Gray's 'Mars and Venus in the Bedroom' an invaluable guide to sex, and would recommend it to everybody on here.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I have an obligation to provide for my family. Why would anyone see that as a bad thing? Essentially, the whole idea of commitment means you place someone else's needs above your own. That's pretty easy and how could anyone imagine they were marriage material if they weren't willing to do exactly that? Don't you also have the obligation to feed kids you conceive? That doesn't mean you don't lovingly care for them or that you perceive the obligation to be drudgery. It's just a fact. They are your kids. They have to eat and it's your job to feed them. Your spouse has sexual needs. They are your spouse. If you refuse to take care of your spouse's needs, whom would like to delegate that task to? And, what qualifies you as a spouse if you aren't willing to provide even the bare minimum of spousal service? Being a slave to one's emotions requires no commitment. The lowest mammal does the same.


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