# Separation/Divorce longterm marriage



## metoo (Dec 9, 2009)

I have been reading the post on this site for some time now. I have been separated from my husband for four months. I thought I would try to post to see if it would help me deal with all this craziness in my life.

I found proof that my husband of 29 years had been unfaithful to me via an e-mail. This is not the first time of course! As soon as I found out I ask him to leave the house and not to come back. I didn't ask any questions, just wanted him gone. Our marriage has been on the rocks for quite awhile. Friends and family have no idea about his double life. He appears to be such a put together person. He has a history of porn and alcohol abuse and being unfaithful. I am so done with a person who can't be a man with integrity. I do believe he thinks he wants to be a better man, but doesn't follow through with promises he makes. Many times we've had the talks either he changes or it over. I now realize there were never any definite stipulations that he follow through with counseling etc. or no go to the marriage. So I finally feel that I am ready to begin life again as a single person. We have two children 24 & 26 which are definitely effected with there father lack of commitment.
I have been going the no contact, since the separation. We have only e-mailed and text messages. He has sent me messages saying he knows he can't be the husband I deserve and that marriage shouldn't be so hard. Yeah marriage is hard if you aren't totally committed to your wife. I kept pulling away from him over the years, and got to the point of not very little interaction with him.
I need some advice regarding filing for divorce. I feel since he is the one that didn't want to commit to the marriage that he should be the one to file. He said about two months ago that he wanted us to see a divorce mediator and I said sure set it up. Well of course he didn't set up any appointments. 
We did put our house up for sale, as we figure that it will take awhile to sell. We set up financial arrangement that I can continue to live in the house until it's sold. The one area we haven't had difficulties in our marriage has been finances.
I really do love my husband but think he just won't make the changes necessary to be a man of integrity. He does have a lot of good qualities about him or I don't think I would of stayed married for 29 years. 
Any advice about how to go forward would be appreciated. Would you file for divorce? Thanks I've gained a lot strength from the groups experiences.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I don't know about who should file. I didn't want the divorce. My H wasn't cheating. I told him it was up to him to file. He did.

If the divorce is going to be drawn out and you want to move on with your life....then file yourself. If that's what you want.

If not..then wait for him if you are in no real hurry. 

There is no right or wrong.

Moving forward. Well...that a long path and the focus should be on you! If you have a support system great. If not gain support from a divorce support group, church, or reach out to friends/family. Read some self help books...those that are empowering and positive. Take a class; restart a career; exercise; are all way to combat the overanalzying and worry of a divorce. 

Try to focus you life in a way that you can gain happiness and health. 

I'm sorry you are at this point. I have been married for almost 25 years. It's shocking to be at this point and know it's ending.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

welcome metoo.
sorry that you are here - 
I am not sure what a divorce mediator is -
do you feel that filing for divorce will help you move on?
doesn't sound like he will do this -
so you may be left to do it in the end...
I'd see a lawyer etc do some research and then decide.....
if you are not ready you are not ready....
take it easy and be kind to yourself -


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## hideandseek (Sep 21, 2009)

I would file and actually I did. 

I thought I would never file, I truly believe the marriage is for life but my story is so similiar to yours that I was left with no choice.

I did not leave it to him to file because I didn't want to be in a reactionary position. Also, he cannot be trusted. He was a man of so many secrets and double-lives I doubt I will ever know who he really was.

I felt that I had let his choices, his very poor choices, control and determine my future. I was waiting for his choices to bring me happiness. So, one day I said Enough! and started making my own choices. Filing for divorce was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But: it brought me a measure of peace that I had never known because I finally had control of my life.


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## metoo (Dec 9, 2009)

Thanks so much for the response. Hideandseek I do see your wisdom in filing for divorce to have some control in your life. I do get it, that in waiting for him to file I am letting him lead the way. Corpuswife and Knortoh I appreciate all your wisdom and always gain knowledge and strength from your posts.

I know that I want this over, but just having a difficult time in making the decision to file. I am hoping to have the strength in the beginning of the new year to take control and go ahead and file for divorce. One of the things that is holding me back at the present time is the financial side of the situation. At this point financially I'm fine, and he's not in making any demands either. Our house is on the market, and when it sells I will be in a much better position to go on with making a new life for myself. 
I also do not look forward to having to meet with him to discuss and situations regarding the divorce. I live in California so everything is pretty much 50-50 in divorce cases. Since we've been married 29 years, he will have to provide support for quite some time. 
I am trying to take care of myself and look at the positive outcomes from starting over without a husband that I can't count on to be a man with integrity. It's still difficult to look at the loss of a family, my children also have very little contact with there dad. He's being a coward and can't really have a relationship with his children as he knows what he's done to his family.
My daughter and myself are taking a vacation and leave in a week, to spend the week on a tropical Christmas vacation. I didn't even decorate the house for the first time in my life.


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