# Something isn't sitting right



## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

My wife had an EA/PA with someone at work. She works in a large place with thousands of employees and the OM works about a mile from her office.

She is his project manager.

She has structured her group so he no longer does technical work with her anymore. She says anytime she emails him she cc's someone else. She says if he ever emails her again in a non-professional way she'll send a one word response: "stop."

I asked her to send him a message that he was no longer allowed to contact her for any reason, and she refused. She said she was worried that she'd upset him and position herself to be sued for sexual harassment.

I was a little shell shocked when she told me this (last night) and figured I needed to think it over. One voice told me that she is sincere in her desire to R, that she restructured her work environment to limit her contact with the OM. She has agreed to counseling, sent me the old EA-email, had STD test, told me painful and embarrassing elements of the affair. She really wants this to work and has done hard work to make it happen.

Another voice tells me that she was out of control before, and like the addict who works at the bar has sworn off the bottle and gone to therapy, but still works in the lair of temptation. This voice tells me that I've never put money or the fear of retribution ahead of anything important in life (love, honor, goodness), so why should I start now.

I need to trust her to an extent. I mean, there are many men in the world who I'm sure would love to get into her pants so separating 100% from this one is no guarantee that she'll be faithful in the future.

She has cut out 100% of contact about non-professional matters, so is that OK? Part of me says it is, and part says it isn't. It just isn't sitting well.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I personally would not be able to get past my spouse still working with the person they had an affair/cheated on me with.


----------



## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

She doesn't see him on a daily basis. I don't know how often she does see him, I think it's just in meetings (with others in attendance) maybe once a week or once a month. I'll ask her for details tonight.

My wife has an excellent job, and I'd hate to see it altered for the worse. I could ask her to look to be reassigned or to ask to stop being the project manager. There are plenty of things for her to do at work that do not involve managing that project, or any project for that matter.

I do feel that not enough has been done about the work situation though. I think I'll explore the avenue where she cuts out all professional contact with the guy.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well it's a personal thing, you know? Me, I wouldn't like it.

But you could very well be able to deal with that. 

If she was his supervisor... that def compounds the situation.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I feel for you, you're in a very tough situation with them being coworkers in a way, and her having her own office. One or the other could fish and it would be on again and you wouldn't know. You might need a GPS tracker and a VAR.


----------



## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

She has her own office but shares it with an office mate. Not that makes it any better.

2 of 3 physical episodes occurred in her office, including bringing the OM to orgasm.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

OneTime said:


> She has her own office but shares it with an office mate. Not that makes it any better.
> 
> 2 of 3 physical episodes occurred in her office, including bringing the OM to orgasm.


OMG. Office sex on the premises. I can see why there could possibly be a sexual harassment suit. The *mind movies *alone would be triggering me big time. She needs to step away from being the project manager.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Can she take a position that eliminates the need to work with him at all?
I can def understand not wanting to give up an excellent job. Wish she would have thought about that before because she risked it by screwing around with a report. And she can still get fired for it. A lot of companies will take away retirement benefits when there is a breach of ethics like that. She might want to put her resume on monster regardless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

I would ask her to get a different job, but her job is awesome. I can't imagine her getting a job half as good any where else.

let me restate, I'd have no problem demanding that she change jobs if I thought it were required. I'd rather ask her to switch divisions or change sections or just drop the project manager roll if that were required. And if it's actually safe for her to have occasional contact in a professional role, I'm cool with that.

The thing I worry about is that I'm not an expert dealing with OM, and I'm sure I'm in danger of not seeing clearly through the fog.

On the other hand, if your wife were a tenured professor at MIT, it would be hard to ask her to go work at Raytheon designing missiles for profit (not my wife, but it makes a very good analogy). There are no other entities in the world who do the kind of work she does in the same kind of setting.

Still I'd ask her to give it up if it were that important. But I can't ask that much of her unless I know it's worth it.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You're contradicting yourself and therein the problem lies:



OneTime said:


> Still I'd ask her to give it up if it were that important. But I can't ask that much of her unless I know it's worth it.





OneTime said:


> She has cut out 100% of contact about non-professional matters, so is that OK? Part of me says it is, and part says it isn't. It just isn't sitting well.


How will you know if it's worth it to ask her to quit?

Is it ok with you that she has cut off non-professional contact but still works with him?

Find the answer in yourself (damn, I sound like The Oracle in The Matrix)... 

You need to sit down with her and discuss how you are feeling...the part that says it's ok and the part that doesn't. 

And then you need to decide if it's ok for YOU.

She has warranted concerns for possibly finding herself at the end of a sex. harassment suit. Not only did she have sex on-site of her job, she had sex with someone who works beneath her. She was his superior. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not ethical or and can be cause for her to get fired. That is massive.


----------



## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> A lot of companies will take away retirement benefits when there is a breach of ethics like that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That would suck beyond words. She's the sole bread winner, and I'm the homemaker. Will look into this.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NZHappy said:


> Well at the end of the day you know what you are comfortable with and not.


This is what it comes down to.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Yep. She was in a position of power and abused that power. As a superior, it should have been all bets are off. He could very well come back and say she seduced him, told him if he didn't go along, that X was going to happen and turn the entire thing around her. 

If they are still in contact, other people at work WILL take notice and that could come back to bite her in the a$$ if he decides to take any action.


----------



## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You're contradicting yourself and therein the problem lies:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


First I'll say that I love Jellybean's posts.

The current situation is OK with me if it continues as is. It's not OK if she goes back to an affair with him. I know myself, what I don't know is others.

In my mind the question is, "Am I risking too much by allowing the contact?"


----------



## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

NZHappy said:


> I also wanted to add - you are both now very vulnerable to blackmail by the OM.
> 
> That may sound a little Hollowoodesk - but it does happen - look at David Letterman.


I realize this. It's made worse because of her security clearance.

As far as the OM proving that she seduced him, it will be hard because she has the email chain that constituted the affair. I have it, the OM's wife has it.

She believes she is not in a blackmail situation, but my conversation with her last night shows she is. She is terrified of having a sexual harassment suit brought against her.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OneTime said:


> First I'll say that I love Jellybean's posts.



Why, thank you. ::curtsies::



OneTime said:


> In my mind the question is, "Am I risking too much by allowing the contact?"


And as you know, only you can answer that.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What a terrible situation. This may very well go south. Especially with her security clearance, there would be no chance in hell of getting it renewed when it comes time for the the BI/SBI. The main question asked is "Is there ANYTHING that anyone can hold against you or blackmail you with?" The investigators takes a breach of ethics very seriously because it is a breach of trust.


----------



## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> What a terrible situation. This may very well go south. Especially with her security clearance, there would be no chance in hell of getting it renewed when it comes time for the the BI/SBI. The main question asked is "Is there ANYTHING that anyone can hold against you or blackmail you with?" The investigators takes a breach of ethics very seriously because it is a breach of trust.


This I know and troubles me. I believe the thing you're supposed to do is tell the security folks ASAP. I asked her to do that as soon as she told me, but she said there was no longer any need because the ability to blackmail ended when she told me about the affair.

Of course I see that the ability to blackmail is not over, and I need to have a conversation with her about this ASAP.


----------



## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

It's a really difficult situation for you to be in. You can't see what goes on at work, you just have to take your spouse's word for what happens. 

My husband works with the OW, it's been 4-5 months since he sent the no contact letter and told her it was over. Since then, she has continued to turn up in his office on a regular basis asking why they can't get back together, at times she has tried to physically grab him, touch him etc. He now moves to a public place as soon as she comes near him. To his credit he has been informing me each time she makes contact, even though it annoys me no end. She could easily bring a sexual harassment suit against him as he is her superior, so it has been a difficult road. She has been backing off a bit lately so I think she's finally getting the message.

He cannot leave his job - as in your situation he is the sole breadwinner in our household, and he would be extremely unlikely to find a similar job elsewhere.

One thing is for sure, it is much harder to work on reconciliation with this happening. It's like two steps forward, one (to two) step(s) back each time. And you can't know exactly what goes on there, you just hope that you are hearing the full story. Despite this, we seem to be making it work, more steps forward than back, and we are still together. So if you decide you can live with them working together, and if she is making all the right moves in other ways, good luck to you. However, it would be SO much easier if they didn't work together!


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

What a difficult situation.
It sounds like your basically just looking for a little more direct shut-down from her to the OM? Is that it?
While she won't send a total NC, and maybe that makes sense for job protection, perhaps a communication that says to the OM "I won't accept any communications from you that do not include another person -- cc: on an email, or another party present in discussion" would satisfy you? 
On the one hand, she's shut OM off and promised to tell you everything/anything that comes her way... on the other hand, she's saying the way you will know about it is to 'trust her'. You're faced with that choice: Accept it, or you need to see something a bit more concrete. 
Ouch. From her other actions + your situation, it's sure sounding like maybe you need legal counsel on how to handle at the job? Does her work maybe have an anonymous hotline you could call?


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I would ask her to get a different job, but her job is awesome. I can't imagine her getting a job half as good any where else.- But this is the price you must eventually pay for dalliances at work, right? And another thing- get a job dude, so you don't have to depend on your wife for your finances.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

If she is in any position that requires her to impact his job in any way, by offering or being required to provide performance feedback as a peer reviewer or more, to judge his ability to take on new tasks or positions, she will forever be blackmailable, if that is a word. Anything for or against him by her can be a breach, no matter how honest.

Say she is asked if he should be considered for a new posn and she says yes because she believes itvto be true. Another employee in the running can allege that she has a vested and personal interest. And if she says no, even for a valid reason, he can cry foul.

Your wife is very naive if she thinks your knowledge eliminates his power over her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

I'd tell her to quit ASAP. There's no way I could deal with that. Plus you can guage her reaction. A lot of times if you have a funny feeling there's a reason.


----------



## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Difficult situation on many levels. So sorry you're going through this, but at least you found the coping thread. Great people here. 

In case it helps, here's my situation. My H had an affair with a co-worker and I agree it's hard to have the main bread winner quit immediately. So, he has been looking for a new job since d-day. He wasn't the OW's superior, but we both agree it's best not to risk him staying there long term. For both the professional and personal reasons. There's been very limited contact with the OW at work and nothing face to face, however the OW has fished twice. He told me right away and we think she'll stop fishing now, but you can never be sure. Best to leave and decrease temptation.

I've told my H that we may be making progress in rebuilding our marriage, but until he leaves that job, I will not be able to move completely forward. It's a daily reminder of his affair and something we'd both like to put in the past. 

I do think you and your wife should look at all her possible employment options. It's a lot easier to find a job while you still have one. Not that she'll loose her job, but it will cause extra strain on your marriage worrying about the possibility. Plus having to live with the OM always just an IM or quick jaunt away will be horrible on your psyche. Talk it over with her and good luck!


----------



## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

It's been a while, but everything is all sorted now. At her work there is an ombudsman. She told the ombudsman about her situation and was told that this is not a matter than needs to be reported to security or to anybody at work.

With that out of the way, I feel comfortable in my situation again. She has arranged her job so she will not be in contact with the OM as part of her job. She's stopped the affair, cut off contact, and entered therapy. She's done everything I've asked her to do, and done it with contrition.

It's been suggested that I ask her to quit anyway, or go get a job so I'm not dependent on her. I'd ask her to quit if I thought it was necessary, but I'm really comfortable with how things are so it seems like a bit much for the situation. I'd also get a job if I felt trapped, felt I needed to compromise my principles, or felt an imbalance of power in the relationship. But none of those apply. I'll stay with my role as the homemaker because I believe it's best for me and my family. FYI, I suspect I will get a job again or at least do work for money in the future, but now is not the time for it.


----------

