# Co-Parenting Fail; need help



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Sorry this is so long....
I am a divorced father of 2 kids (14D & 10S) who live with me during the school year and with their mom (who lives in another state) in the summer.

I've been dating a great woman who also has 2 girls who are each 1yr younger than mine. They get along great the majority of the time. We're not married but we spend a lot of time together that it could be seen as a "blended family". She picks her daughter and my son up from school 3x a week and he's with her until I get off work. I have always stayed out of my GFs parenting skills and she does address the rude behavior of her daughter, but I feel lacks anything else, like consistency or follow through. Telling your kid that you don't appreciate the way they're talking to you and yet still allow them to continue to berate you and be rude in the same conversation does not solve the problem.
Occasionally, she shares that my son can be a bit argumentative with her when it's time to do homework. I've spoken with my son about this, but I usually do it in private.

I ran into an issue yesterday that I'm afraid I've made worse. My kids and I were over my GFs house and at one point I left to grab some food to make dinner. Upon returning, my GF shared that not like that my son was rude to her when he came in the house to use the restroom. She had been getting on her daughter and my son due to the fact they had been coming in and out of the house too much (they definitely were doing this when I was there). She asked how I wanted her to handle it while I'm not there.And I replied that my son is responsible for his actions. However, I then made the comment that it's very possible that he's acting that way towards her because her youngest daughter (9yrs old) is disrespectful and argumentative the majority of the time with her mom in front of him, and the rest of us for that matter. It gets pretty bad.

Yup, oops on my part. I didn't address what she can do when my son acts that way and I made her feel like it's her fault. :|

So I made the mistake for brining it up at the wrong time. Her issue with her daughter should have been brought up at another time. At the time I just felt my son's behavior came from a place of watching her daughter treat her with no respect; there was a connection there. And in the same breadth, telling my GF that despite the lack of respect coming from her daughter does not excuse my son from doing the same towards her.

In hindsight, I know I became too defensive for my kid and came up with a mixed response. She now feels the two of us have different morals/ parenting styles for our kids which to a lesser degree is true.

Also, she tends to yell/argue with her kids where I tend to address the issue either at the moment with a calm, yet stern voice or if they are furious/angry for whatever reason, I let them cool off in another room before sitting down and talking to them about their behavior. She takes it that I sometimes condone their behavior because I don't address it immediately like she always does. And that I'm ok with the rude or disrespectful responses.

However, I refuse to let my son talk to me disrespectfully and I also do not want him talking to her disrespectfully. I spoke to my son last night about his behavior before bed. It's always a great time to talk to my son uninterrupted and he's a great listener at that time.

But this morning, my GF feels upset by what I said about her parenting skills and wants to take a step back in the blended/ co-parenting dynamic.

Does anyone have any recommendations on how to co-parent in this type of relationship where we are not married and coming off of divorces?
(mine was 4 years ago by the way, hers is almost 2 yrs).


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think you either just show her this or tell her what you stated here. You had a valid point brought up at the wrong moment. You have owned that and apologized so that should be enough for that.

If you both are in fact on different pages about parenting maybe you both aren't in the right relationship. Or maybe you will have to agree that you will handle yours. She will handle hers. But both sets of kids at minimum need to show respect as the adults do to each other and thier own kids. This is essentially what my live in GF and I do


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks Wolf. I don't think our styles are too extreme for the exception of the yelling back and forth between her and her kids. She doesn't yell at mine, but I think she struggles understanding why I take a less confrontational approach with mine. I don't yell at my kids and will only raise my voice when all else has failed.

Otherwise, we believe the kids should be respectful with EVERYONE including themselves. We give our own kids timeouts for misbehavior. The big difference is the disrespect/talking back. I'm able to squash it whenever it comes up, yet my GF is unable to squash it with her daughter.

If my kids do something that needs to be addressed, is it better if I handle my kids and she handles hers? Or can she be a little more involved with the disciplining? I feel like there's a fine line with this and to be careful. So any advice regarding the discipline aspect is definitely welcome.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Lots of dynamics to deal with in these types of situations. My basic rule is consistency. The rules of the house apply to everyone in the house. So, when they are at your house, they follow your rules. When they are at her house, they follow her rules. The rules need to be the rules that apply for everyone in the house. Most importantly there shouldn't be one set of rules for her kids and a different set for yours. In fact, you should be modeling the behavior you expect and following the same rules yourself. Let's face it, kids are mimics and will do as you do, not as you ask.

As for reconciling your parenting style with your girlfriends? Do that in private. And focus on how your styles are different, and how you can best work together to be consistent. In the end, you need to determine if you can live with her style, if you feel it's not good. Remember you can't change anyone but yourself. You need to either live with it, or move on.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

My experience has been that it's better for you each to handle discipline for your own kids whenever possible. There should be house rules and appropriate consequences agreed upon by both of you so you can present a united front to the kids. It is natural to feel defensive of our kids but you need to squash that instinct as it only leads to resentment & your SO feeling like you don't support them. Many times the kids will sense the divide between you & may even escalate their behavior to feel the power they have over their parent, so be careful to discuss things in private & come to a joint agreement before handling the kids. Unity & supporting each other are the most important things. Kids go through tough stages so there are always bound to be issues but as long as you work together toward dealing with them it won't tear you apart.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that it's best if each of you handle disciplining your own children. 

When she has your son and you are not there, she can handle that at the moment and tell you. Then you can back her up.

If you think that her daughter's behavior is influencing your son, you might want to tell your son that. Ask him to step back and observe how disrespectful the girl is to her mother. Tell your son to back away and not engage in the disrespect. He is to be respectful to your gf at all times.


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