# A question for WS about depression



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My wife and I recently had a conversation about intimacy and it's meaning to us both. Since that conversation it appears that my wife is becoming increasingly depressed. She has cried every day for approximately an hour since the conversation. The conversation went rather well and I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else. I will keep an eye on her and take action if it worsens. She is seeing an IC so I'm hoping it gets worked out while she is there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@drifting on you are a good man who lives his wife...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> @drifting on you are a good man who lives his wife...




Truthseeker1

I thank you for the kind words, and your help for posters here is awesome. Thank you again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Truthseeker1
> 
> I thank you for the kind words, and your help for posters here is awesome. Thank you again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


drifting on I have read most of your posts. You have come from a place of despair to a place of peace. The grace and dignity you have shown is quite remarkable.

Your wife is full of remorse for what she has done. It has been "fermenting" for awhile and can lead to depression. She needs some TLC from you. Strange isn't it? The one who is hurt is now helping to heal the one who caused the pain.

She is dealing with the things mentioned in Jeremiah 17:9. It is very difficult for her to understand her own heart.

drifting on, you two will make it. I have no doubt at all.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

@drifting on,

This is just my thoughts as a woman & how I might feel if I were in her place. Your wife has seen the pain & hurt you've gone through. Now that you're in a better place & she don't have to worry so much about you. She has time to think about the hurt it's caused her as well. By you telling her how you think about intimacy. She now sees how strong you feel about it & how betrayed you must feel. That must be a heavy load to carry. My H still gets depressed at times. He says guilt can be as bad as betrayal. I don't want to get bashed for that statement, But I know guilt can cause depression. Hang in there & look after each other..

D & L


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

may i ask about what was the conversation about?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

drifting on said:


> My wife and I recently had a conversation about intimacy and it's meaning to us both. Since that conversation it appears that my wife is becoming increasingly depressed. She has cried every day for approximately an hour since the conversation. The conversation went rather well and I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else. I will keep an eye on her and take action if it worsens. She is seeing an IC so I'm hoping it gets worked out while she is there.


Hmm...

Do you feel that she's been pulling away from you of late?

Has she been spending more time outside the home?

Any issues w/ affection (hugging, kissing, cuddling, snuggling, etc) that doesn't involve sexual intimacy?

Have you offered to attend an IC session w/ her? If so, what was her reply?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I believe that your W is realizing the depth of her betrayal to you. As you two share more she is beginning to really see who she is married to and it is causing her much pain and regret for what she has done. Support each other and assure her that the new her is the woman you want. The old her is dying and it is a traumatic event. R is not for the timid. Good fortune Sir.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I don't really know your story Drifting so i dont fully know the context of your question. I was in an EA and I suffered from depression when I was going through withdraw from the OW. Mrs. meson helped pull me out.

I suspect Nochoice is correct about her realization. I felt similarly when Mrs. meson told me about the EA/PA her exbf had and how I was following the script. She didn't use those words but it hit home forcefully.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Drifting on,

My read on this is that your WW has not yet fallen back in love with you, and might still feel nothing for you physically, although she might try very hard and put on a good show. She may still be mourning the loss of the intimacy she experienced with OM. Perhaps both realizations struck her at the same time. 

In one of the few moments of honesty, my W nodded her head and fell silent, when I said that after OM-1 she was never the same with me for 20+ years. I think this is one of the crushing realizations my W cannot deal with.

It's often quoted that it takes at LEAST 2 years to get over an affair and I suspect that you have to tack on time according to the details, and tack on an eternity where there is no confession or rugsweeping. I think the 2 years minimum applies to the cheater as well.

Tamt


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Drifting on,
> 
> My read on this is that your WW has not yet fallen back in love with you, and might still feel nothing for you physically, although she might try very hard and put on a good show. She may still be mourning the loss of the intimacy she experienced with OM. Perhaps both realizations struck her at the same time.
> 
> ...



Every case is different and only @drifting on can truthfully say if he feels his wife is remorseful or missing the OM and thusfar he states he believes she loves him and is remorseful- what I don't understand is why you would stay with a woman who has never been the same since the OM? Kids? Why would you consign yourself to a life with a woman who is not feeling it? Don't you want more?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> Drifting on,
> 
> My read on this is that your WW has not yet fallen back in love with you, and might still feel nothing for you physically, although she might try very hard and put on a good show. She may still be mourning the loss of the intimacy she experienced with OM. Perhaps both realizations struck her at the same time.
> 
> ...


As much as I want to not agree with this, I do 100%. 

My WW did this as well. She became deeply depressed- but it wasn't over the pain she caused me. It was over what she gave up to come back home and 'do the right thing'.

Now, to be sure, this may not be your wife but it should be considered for your sake.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Truthseeker,

You said, *what I don't understand is why you would stay with a woman who has never been the same since the OM? Kids? Why would you consign yourself to a life with a woman who is not feeling it? Don't you want more? *

At the time I felt that this was the cost of having a girl friend who so many people found not just to be beautiful, but utterly charming as well. 

To be honest I also felt at the time that I would have cheated like crazy if I had her appeal. Although I actually think I am too simple minded to carry on an affair, and have never had one except for the EA I had with a married lady from age 15-18.

I also felt that I could, by providing for her and loving her, somehow get her to love me the way she once did. Months turned into years, into decades. Sometimes a gambler keeps upping the ante in an irrational attempt to get his money back. Also yes kids.

I did recover my marriage back in 2008, at least to my Ws satisfaction, so I do have more than I had.

Tamat


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> My wife and I recently had a conversation about intimacy and it's meaning to us both. Since that conversation it appears that my wife is becoming increasingly depressed. She has cried every day for approximately an hour since the conversation. The conversation went rather well and I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else. I will keep an eye on her and take action if it worsens. She is seeing an IC so I'm hoping it gets worked out while she is there.


I don't understand how you can hold "she cried every day since the conversation" and "the conversation went rather well" next to each other like that. If it's putting her into a tailspin like this, how can it possibly have gone well?

It sounds like something you said really affected her, and now you're absolving yourself of responsibility and assuming her IC will take care of it?

Maybe I'd understand the context better if I got caught up on your other threads.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> drifting on I have read most of your posts. You have come from a place of despair to a place of peace. The grace and dignity you have shown is quite remarkable.
> 
> Your wife is full of remorse for what she has done. It has been "fermenting" for awhile and can lead to depression. She needs some TLC from you. Strange isn't it? The one who is hurt is now helping to heal the one who caused the pain.
> 
> ...




Hoping I don't get lit up here, but I have come to peace with my wife's role in her affair. I didn't think this would be possible, but my wife is so very remorseful for her actions. She hurts when I hurt, and she hurts when I have a good day. I'm worried about depression, I know what it did to me, and truthfully, I'm scared for her. I have never seen her this way. She is not suicidal but she is very depressed that I called her IC today and she is going tomorrow morning. I will let her IC evaluate her and go with their recommendations. 

I believe you are correct that her remorse has built up and coming to the point of depression. She will remain in my sight and I will have friends watch her of I need to leave. She will not be left alone for any period of time go as long as I feel necessary. Thank you for your response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> @drifting on,
> 
> This is just my thoughts as a woman & how I might feel if I were in her place. Your wife has seen the pain & hurt you've gone through. Now that you're in a better place & she don't have to worry so much about you. She has time to think about the hurt it's caused her as well. By you telling her how you think about intimacy. She now sees how strong you feel about it & how betrayed you must feel. That must be a heavy load to carry. My H still gets depressed at times. He says guilt can be as bad as betrayal. I don't want to get bashed for that statement, But I know guilt can cause depression. Hang in there & look after each other..
> 
> D & L




Very close to nailing that spot on. She told me today she has shame on top of shame. And for the first time she truly understands how she destroyed me to my very core. I think she knew but after our conversation it really hit her hard. She is struggling now, but I will watch over her, as she has done for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SA2015 said:


> may i ask about what was the conversation about?




We discussed intimacy and what the meaning of intimacy was to us both. I explained what my beliefs were and how much I valued intimacy in my marriage. She explained what her beliefs were and how much she valued intimacy. We both learned very much, but the emotional connection during intimacy just hasn't been there yet for me. However, recently we did hit a new height emotionally connecting better then we have. My wife thought we were further along and when I said we haven't hit that emotional connection that I know it can be. She seems very depressed which we will find out more tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm...
> 
> Do you feel that she's been pulling away from you of late?
> 
> ...




I was worried about this myself and watched for any signs of this. She has not pulled away at all, nor have I. No time away from home, no missing time at all actually. Affection I have stepped up and we are actually most solid in this aspect. It is only during intimacy that I feel a void in emotionally connecting to each other. The looking into her eyes and her into mine. It just isn't as deep as before, even though I know it's different. It's like something is missing and I have no idea how to connect like I want/need too. I get so frustrated at times... I just want to scream... How do we get this connection???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I was worried about this myself and watched for any signs of this. She has not pulled away at all, nor have I. No time away from home, no missing time at all actually. Affection I have stepped up and we are actually most solid in this aspect. It is only during intimacy that I feel a void in emotionally connecting to each other. The looking into her eyes and her into mine. It just isn't as deep as before, even though I know it's different. It's like something is missing and I have no idea how to connect like I want/need too. I get so frustrated at times... I just want to scream... How do we get this connection???


Actually, your last reply (to SA2015) explained a lot and more or less negated my questions. I was thinking that it might have been her -- as opposed to you, which seems to be the case -- that wasn't connecting.

FWIW, you might want to pursue counseling as well.

MC might be even better.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I believe that your W is realizing the depth of her betrayal to you. As you two share more she is beginning to really see who she is married to and it is causing her much pain and regret for what she has done. Support each other and assure her that the new her is the woman you want. The old her is dying and it is a traumatic event. R is not for the timid. Good fortune Sir.




NoChoice, you have hit it exactly, the old her is dying just as the old me died. We now emerge into our strengthening marriage but we haven't both died and come back. Thank you NoChoice, you have helped me a great deal here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

drifting on said:


> I was worried about this myself and watched for any signs of this. She has not pulled away at all, nor have I. No time away from home, no missing time at all actually. Affection I have stepped up and we are actually most solid in this aspect. It is only during intimacy that I feel a void in emotionally connecting to each other. The looking into her eyes and her into mine. It just isn't as deep as before, even though I know it's different. It's like something is missing and I have no idea how to connect like I want/need too. I get so frustrated at times... I just want to scream... *How do we get this connection???*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Time, my friend, time.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

meson said:


> I don't really know your story Drifting so i dont fully know the context of your question. I was in an EA and I suffered from depression when I was going through withdraw from the OW. Mrs. meson helped pull me out.
> 
> I suspect Nochoice is correct about her realization. I felt similarly when Mrs. meson told me about the EA/PA her exbf had and how I was following the script. She didn't use those words but it hit home forcefully.




Meson, I've never posted my story, but it appears that after my wife and I discussed intimacy she has become depressed. The context of my question is if any WS has gotten depressed after speaking of intimacy with the BS. We discussed our beliefs, and how we value intimacy as well as much more. I don't think she understood the value I placed on intimacy and now that she does this has her reeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Drifting on,
> 
> My read on this is that your WW has not yet fallen back in love with you, and might still feel nothing for you physically, although she might try very hard and put on a good show. She may still be mourning the loss of the intimacy she experienced with OM. Perhaps both realizations struck her at the same time.
> 
> ...



I know my wife is in love with me, not during the affair but she has been for several years now. Her memories of the affair and the sex makes her want to vomit. She is indifferent towards her AP, and realizes the destruction the two of them caused. She has not one fond memory of the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Every case is different and only @drifting on can truthfully say if he feels his wife is remorseful or missing the OM and thusfar he states he believes she loves him and is remorseful- what I don't understand is why you would stay with a woman who has never been the same since the OM? Kids? Why would you consign yourself to a life with a woman who is not feeling it? Don't you want more?



You are correct truthseeker1, she is very remorseful and in love with me. I know she is not missing the OM, she is indifferent towards him. I don't fear the OM nor do I have to compete with him. She realizes what type he is and and despises what she has done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> As much as I want to not agree with this, I do 100%.
> 
> My WW did this as well. She became deeply depressed- but it wasn't over the pain she caused me. It was over what she gave up to come back home and 'do the right thing'.
> 
> Now, to be sure, this may not be your wife but it should be considered for your sake.




I know this is not true but as you said I will consider this just to be sure for my own sake. My wife ended the affair on her own, the OM continued to try to keep the affair going and my wife held strong. So I know this isn't correct, but I won't be foolish and discard the advice, I will keep this close to observe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I don't understand how you can hold "she cried every day since the conversation" and "the conversation went rather well" next to each other like that. If it's putting her into a tailspin like this, how can it possibly have gone well?
> 
> It sounds like something you said really affected her, and now you're absolving yourself of responsibility and assuming her IC will take care of it?
> 
> Maybe I'd understand the context better if I got caught up on your other threads.




I can see your confusion and I'm not all that great at typing out my situation at times. It started with me and my IC, I explained what intimacy meant to me. I explained in a post on a different thread what intimacy meant to me. I started my own thread entitled "trying to find purpose". It was suggested that my wife and I talk about intimacy and what it meant to each of us. The talk went very well, we both learned from this discussion. However, now that she knows my beliefs and how much I value intimacy she has begun crying an hour a day.

I am not some cold hearted pr--k that tried to cause her pain. We have discussed this between ourselves each day since we had the conversation. I don't expect her IC to fix something if I hurt her, but she will get hurt because of the remorse she carries due to her actions. I didn't try to inflict pain on her in any way, I simply explained what intimacy meant to me. Now that she knows she is feeling pain and as she says she now understands how she destroyed me to my very core.

My wife will tell you as well as my MC that I have handled this extremely well when it comes to my wife. It would be so easy to destroy her as I was destroyed but that's not me, I'm not into hurting people and your response I took as you think I am doing just that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Actually, your last reply (to SA2015) explained a lot and more or less negated my questions. I was thinking that it might have been her -- as opposed to you, which seems to be the case -- that wasn't connecting.
> 
> FWIW, you might want to pursue counseling as well.
> 
> MC might be even better.



We both are in IC and we did MC for just short of two years. My last session was entirely about intimacy and two weeks ago I did attend IC with her for half a session. That session with her was good and both IC's were on board for us to discuss intimacy. It just seems that it's really hitting her hard now and I'm worried for her. Thank you Gus, I appreciate your insight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> Time, my friend, time.



I was afraid you were going to say that, but you are probably right. My IC has given me a few suggestions and I'm going to try everything I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
For what it is worth. I have read many stories here and given my share of advice but in almost every case there is significant doubt as to the possibility of actually saving the marriage. I hate to recommend D but in some instances it seems the only prudent choice and I find it disheartening. However in your instance, in large part due to your wife's deep remorse and your willingness to be understanding and not vendictive, I am strongly encouraged because I can see that if two people are sincere, dedicated and willing to put forth extreme effort, the marriage can be saved.

Do remember however that this is a growing process of discovery and growth is usually slow. I have no doubt that you and she will emerge from this and be in a better, stronger and more knowledgeable place than before the indiscretion. Your marriage will have been fortified by this seemingly insurmountable obstacle that you and she conquered together. Allow her to grieve as she lets go of the old her and help her to embrace the new, more confident, more understanding, more dedicated her.

This is one of the very rare instances wherein both parties want the marriage more than their own selfish desires and it is my pleasure to have witnessed it and been, in however small a way, helpful. It is heartwarming.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I can see your confusion and I'm not all that great at typing out my situation at times. It started with me and my IC, I explained what intimacy meant to me. I explained in a post on a different thread what intimacy meant to me. I started my own thread entitled "trying to find purpose". It was suggested that my wife and I talk about intimacy and what it meant to each of us. The talk went very well, we both learned from this discussion. However, now that she knows my beliefs and how much I value intimacy she has begun crying an hour a day.
> 
> I am not some cold hearted pr--k that tried to cause her pain. We have discussed this between ourselves each day since we had the conversation. I don't expect her IC to fix something if I hurt her, but she will get hurt because of the remorse she carries due to her actions. I didn't try to inflict pain on her in any way, I simply explained what intimacy meant to me. Now that she knows she is feeling pain and as she says she now understands how she destroyed me to my very core.
> 
> My wife will tell you as well as my MC that I have handled this extremely well when it comes to my wife. It would be so easy to destroy her as I was destroyed but that's not me, I'm not into hurting people and your response I took as you think I am doing just that.


Aha, I get it now. Context really is everything, as they say! I should learn to read backstory before posting. I blame limited time.

The conversation went well because she finally seems to understand you. That understanding, however, has led to her immense pain. And it's for her to work through with her IC, not for you to apologize for hurting her.

I hope she has truly found her rock bottom and can find the inner strength to rebuild from there.

I'm envious of you. My ex did the "la la la I can't hear you" thing whenever I tried to hold a conversation about our situation and how I'd been destroyed to my core, as you put it. Or, sometimes, worse still, pretended to understand and be affected but then went off and ignored everything I said. It did make it easy for me to decide what I had to do though.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> For what it is worth. I have read many stories here and given my share of advice but in almost every case there is significant doubt as to the possibility of actually saving the marriage. I hate to recommend D but in some instances it seems the only prudent choice and I find it disheartening. However in your instance, in large part due to your wife's deep remorse and your willingness to be understanding and not vendictive, I am strongly encouraged because I can see that if two people are sincere, dedicated and willing to put forth extreme effort, the marriage can be saved.
> 
> Do remember however that this is a growing process of discovery and growth is usually slow. I have no doubt that you and she will emerge from this and be in a better, stronger and more knowledgeable place than before the indiscretion. Your marriage will have been fortified by this seemingly insurmountable obstacle that you and she conquered together. Allow her to grieve as she lets go of the old her and help her to embrace the new, more confident, more understanding, more dedicated her.
> ...



NoChoice you have helped me more then you know, in a very big way you have helped me to push forward when I didn't think I could. You see, what you write in other threads I have used for my personal gain. I have learned much from your advice to others, so you are a huge part to my recovery. I have been thankful to TAM and it's posters as this is advice you can't get in IC. You are getting real life advice from people who have gone through this personally. This, at least to me, is how you get the best help, not from books as an IC does but from someone who had to walk this path and felt all that goes with this. 

If we make it through and we come to a position that our marriage has become the strongest it can be, I will then post my entire story. Perhaps people can learn what my wife and I have overcome, perhaps it will be a story that inspires or shows what a unified couple can survive when united. For now we are both still healing, still feeling raw pain, and we are both still learning. 

We need to be united every step of the way through this process and we need to support each other. With my wife's actions since d-day I find that she needs support, and I am here for her to lean on as hard as she needs to. She has earned this from me, as she has not faltered since d-day, and I will love and support her as she grieves.

Thank you again NoChoice, I hope you keep posting as you have great words and knowledge to share. I have much respect for you, and you seem to be a great man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

drifting on~Do you feel that your intimacy with her directly before her affair was at what level? Was it at an all time high or lower? As most things in marriage; we all have the high and low times but I am wondering what was going on at that time? Not talking about sex only; but how were your feelings emotionally towards her then?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Aha, I get it now. Context really is everything, as they say! I should learn to read backstory before posting. I blame limited time.
> 
> The conversation went well because she finally seems to understand you. That understanding, however, has led to her immense pain. And it's for her to work through with her IC, not for you to apologize for hurting her.
> 
> ...



That is it exactly, but no worries as I've never posted my story. I wrote my words hastily and I understand how you came to your conclusion. The context I wrote could very well lead you to believe how you perceived the situation. I have read many of your posts in other threads and I respect much of what you write. You have also helped me in this process more then you know.

I am sorry that your wife was not strong enough to see how destroying her actions were. For you to go through that must have been complete hell for you. I couldn't imagine being in that much pain and then get the actions your wife displayed. She did not deserve the quality of a man she married and perhaps she realized that. I will tell you I think you are a great man and an even better person that needs to post here as you have great wisdom in your words. 

I hope you find peace and happiness with a much stronger relationship with another woman. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Mine is the easy task, to offer advice and to attempt to create understanding by promoting a different perspective. You have to walk the path, accept the setbacks and persevere and all while experiencing great pain and heartache. That is commendable and is why I firmly agree that, when the time is right, you should share your story, if you are comfortable doing so, and allow others the benefit of your experience and wisdom. I believe it will inspire hope and purpose to many seeking to R.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed said:


> drifting on~Do you feel that your intimacy with her directly before her affair was at what level? Was it at an all time high or lower? As most things in marriage; we all have the high and low times but I am wondering what was going on at that time? Not talking about sex only; but how were your feelings emotionally towards her then?



5Creed

Our intimacy was returning to the high side prior to her affair. We had finally gotten rid of the monitor for fertility and we were making love and not having sex because of the temperature and all the planets lining up. Before that the monitor was involved and that took its toll on making love. It was low with the use of the monitor but was returning to high. After her affair ended we almost immediately went to high again, but during the affair it was low. Hope I answered you fully here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Mine is the easy task, to offer advice and to attempt to create understanding by promoting a different perspective. You have to walk the path, accept the setbacks and persevere and all while experiencing great pain and heartache. That is commendable and is why I firmly agree that, when the time is right, you should share your story, if you are comfortable doing so, and allow others the benefit of your experience and wisdom. I believe it will inspire hope and purpose to many seeking to R.



Again thank you for your kind words and support. I will share my complete story when I feel the time is right. If it helps someone that would be great, I have gotten so much good advice long before I started my first thread. All the best to you, Sir!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Today we went to my wife's IC, and I asked for fifteen minutes to be both of us. I explained why we needed to come and the situation I find my wife to be depressed. At this point I asked my wife if she wanted me to stay or leave for the remainder of the appointment. She wanted me to stay. We all talked it through for the next twenty minutes, and then the IC asked if she could talk to my wife alone. I left and fifteen minutes later my wife emerged. 

My wife told me the therapist wanted to make sure she was safe and not thinking of hurting herself. My wife is not suicidal to which I'm relieved but depressed that the intimacy is lacking the emotional connection. I still won't leave her alone for the next few days but our conversation on the way home was positive. 

I like my wife's therapist, she doesn't allow any crap and calls you out in a second. We will see how my wife reacts to the next couple of days before I will think of leaving her alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

drifting on said:


> 5Creed
> 
> Our intimacy was returning to the high side prior to her affair. We had finally gotten rid of the monitor for fertility and we were making love and not having sex because of the temperature and all the planets lining up. Before that the monitor was involved and that took its toll on making love. It was low with the use of the monitor but was returning to high. After her affair ended we almost immediately went to high again, but during the affair it was low. Hope I answered you fully here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This might sound weird to say drifting on; but I am almost glad when I hear things like this; that during the affair itself the intimacy was low; same for me and I think it might have felt worse if in my mind; we felt closer than ever to each other and then found out about the cheating at the same time that I was in some kind of mind set that we were fine. These people are the ones that might be more remorseful to their BS's~they aren't able to fake that intimacy that is so important in a marriage while they are having an affair.

I hope your wife continues on the upswing feeling better and glad to hear you are both doing counseling.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed said:


> This might sound weird to say drifting on; but I am almost glad when I hear things like this; that during the affair itself the intimacy was low; same for me and I think it might have felt worse if in my mind; we felt closer than ever to each other and then found out about the cheating at the same time that I was in some kind of mind set that we were fine. These people are the ones that might be more remorseful to their BS's~they aren't able to fake that intimacy that is so important in a marriage while they are having an affair.
> 
> I hope your wife continues on the upswing feeling better and glad to hear you are both doing counseling.



I understand what you are saying, and my wife found so many things to argue about during the affair. Sex had definitely slowed down during the affair but not once during that time did we make love. I think if we had, I might not be able to get past this. It would destroy intimacy all together if we had made love. Thank you for your support, it helps knowing others will help you stand tall after you've been knocked down. Well wishes sent your way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

drifting on said:


> I understand what you are saying, and my wife found so many things to argue about during the affair. Sex had definitely slowed down during the affair but not once during that time did we make love. I think if we had, I might not be able to get past this. It would destroy intimacy all together if we had made love. Thank you for your support, it helps knowing others will help you stand tall after you've been knocked down. Well wishes sent your way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Exactly this!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

A small update on what has been happening to our reconciliation lately. I'm talking to my wife about the emotional connection that I felt was lacking in intimacy. We have come to a better place and she is no longer as depressed as she was. She has told me that she cannot believe I am still with her. She thanks me for being strong, loving, loyal, and for the gift of reconciliation. She said so much more but with time constraints I'll move forward. 

We have both been vulnerable, we have both expressed our fears about intimacy. I needed something to change as it had been reduced to sex. This past weekend we actually made love. My IC has given me several ideas to help and we found one that worked. The emotional connection has come back somewhat and I was ecstatic. Even my wife noticed and began to cry afterwords saying how beautiful that was. 

I don't think we are all the way there but this weekend has given me so much hope to look forward to. My wife was a completely different person so I know she felt the same. Last night we talked and sure enough we felt the same way!! I see this as being key for this aspect in recovery, the moment was beautiful. No longer did I feel awkward, out of place, nor did she. It was beautiful, romantic, and full of spark, it was what making love was to be, complete giving of yourself. 

With continued talking and being vulnerable we are getting stronger, more unified as a couple. For this I am also happy for as is she. She told me last night I am the best person to ever enter her life, and that she destroyed me. She said saying sorry could never be enough, showing with action could never be enough, but that each and every day she is committed to me, to us, and to our marriage. She says that nothing she ever does can make up for this, but she is still going to prove to me through actions that I didn't waste the gift of reconciliation. 

To a certain extent she is correct, it can never be undone, but she is doing everything possible to atone for her terrible choice. I am still stunned to this day at the work she is doing, her level of commitment, and that it's still going strong. I had my doubts about her and she is proving me wrong. I take this as a step towards happiness and that we will make it. Some days have been very difficult and I wanted to walk away, but the last three days have been great, and that couldn't have come at a better time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You rock, DO.

This board is deep in folks that help people respond to and crush affairs.

It is incredibly short on folks who understand the emotional intricacies of reconciliation.

I see you somewhere near the top of those few people that understand R. Please keep posting and helping folks in reconciliation.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> You rock, DO.
> 
> This board is deep in folks that help people respond to and crush affairs.
> 
> ...




I thank you for your kind words, you have helped many people here also, and reading your posts has helped to get me to where I am. If I post something that helps someone, I'm simply returning the favor extended to me when I came here as a lost soul. It's something I'll never forget, but I found comfort in people who are going through the same. This was probably one of the best things to happen, if you haven't gone through infidelity you don't know what it's like. I will say this though, I still wish I never had to go through this, but the past is the past, and I can only move forward becoming a better person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Since my last post we have been intimate three more times, as I have wanted to take this slow. We had a great night the first time which I wrote about a couple of posts above. I thought this would carry over and each fine just simply become more emotional. Well the next time we both could feel the awkwardness, we felt that separation again. We talked the next couple of days and we have, well I think we have, figured out our problem. We are both trying to much, trying to capture too much of the moment. 

The next time we were intimate was much better as we just went with the flow. I was visibly happier as was my wife. She has really begun to be vulnerable which I can see is bringing her out of her depression. The fact that we are going slow with intimacy is taking the pressure off us both. I think we are personally finding out more about each other then we knew previously. 

The next time was more then I could have hoped for. Everything was perfect and I felt that emotional connection! I couldn't have been happier, and at the risk of sounding soft, I admit I cried softly. My wife cried softly to and we held each other for what seemed like hours. I felt like I truly had my wife again, that I was her only. It's hard to describe but ever since the affair I didn't feel like she was mine totally. But this night I did, and I felt at peace with my life. 

Reconciliation has been a long hard road that I'm not sure ever ends. I don't think it will always be this hard, but I think that once infidelity hits your marriage you are recovering for as long as you are married. This doesn't mean it's a bad situation, it just means that we can't ever become complacent or comfortable in our marriage, we need to keep the vulnerability and communication strong. We have to make time each day to look at each other and have our time without the children. We must put ourselves first and not our spouses, no more placing of one on a pedestal. I can still be a gentleman and she a lady, we respect our marriage and each other, with hopes our love grows stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

@drifting on,

I'm so happy for you. I'm so glad things are getting better. You deserve to be happy for a change. You both worked hard for it. Keep up the good work.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> @drifting on,
> 
> I'm so happy for you. I'm so glad things are getting better. You deserve to be happy for a change. You both worked hard for it. Keep up the good work.



Thank you devastated, you keep up the good work also, you will be happy again too, I have no doubts. It's a long hard process and I've always been told nothing comes easily, it's true, it takes hard work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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