# Jilted before wedding...he blames mental illness for his acts?



## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Edited as it was such a long post.

*Summary version:*

My fiance had a complete breakdown / onset of severe depression, anxiety following massive stress and exhaustion. There was no real warning, it came on very suddenly and he did not discuss his feelings with me to "protect me". He broke off our engagement and would not discuss it or even manage it in a compassionate way. To say this behaviour was unexpected and out of character would be the understatement of the year.

We were really in love, the type of couple you think of as rock solid and we were both incredibly excited about being married. We rarely argued (twice a year?), and if we did it was over something small and both of us ended up apologising no matter who was wrong. It was a great relationship. True love if there is such a thing.

He now regrets it, and says he was acting irrationally because he was ill. His explanation is that his depression made him feel devoid of emotion but that he now realises he loves me very much and does not want to lose me.

He says he wants to be alone right now and does not want me to look after him, but he wants me to please have faith that his behaviour was not him as himself, and please would I trust him and help him through this because he sees he has a problem. I agreed at the time, which was two weeks ago, but told him he had to get treatment. 

He kept his commitment and he saw the doc and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety brought on by stress. He started anti depressants about 10 days ago (which have made him feel worse thus far) and has begun therapy also this week.

I love this man more than I can ever explain, but he has also put me through an enormous amount of pain. He cut me off without argument or discussion, left me, broke off our engagement and essentially ripped my life apart with his actions. I was humiliated, betrayed and hurt beyond measure.

I want to be supportive, and I believe he is genuinely ill, but right now he is not fit to offer me any reassurance at all. He admits he still feels numb and often devoid of normal feeling and it's a very insecure and lonely place for ME to be and there is the obvious concern of a repeat performance. It is worth saying that previous to this, he was an incredibly kind, loving an wonderful partner who I thought the world of. Nothing in this behaviour is anything like his usual personality. He is usually very strong, calm, reliable, dependable. He is actually know for being like that!

I keep harping back to how horrible he was to me and was wondering if anyone with experience of severe depression / breakdowns of this type can actually tell me..

*Can it REALLY make you feel like you don't love your partner who you previously adored?

Can it make you act cold and uncaring to those closest to you?*

I love him very much and want to make it work but feel so wounded and insecure that this is all very hard! Right now he is still very, very unwell.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

That wasn't brief at all! Sorry...spilling out of me


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

How long have you known each other? Did he say what was triggering his stress?

It sounds like that you are completely beside yourself with this inexplicable behavior...and that he isn't really doing much to reassure your or at least try to offer an explanation about his breakdown. I am assuming there may be a traumatic past that perhaps he has not dealt with...?

It seems like you really love him, but perhaps this recent development is completely showing a side of him that you have never seen...shaking your confidence.

This is a good time to reconsider everything. At least worthy enough to put off any marriage plans until this is worked out to your satisfaction...this is your right...and perhaps is a blessing in disguise. If I were in your shoes, I would call off wedding until some serious counseling is done with him...and that the counselor has worked with both of you to understand what hurdles he faces, what it means to your relationship, and you guys are set for success through. If there is any vagueness or if he is still backing you off, but still asking you to trust him...and wants to move forward with the marriage, then that ought to be a qualified "No."

Truly, no person should be punished for struggling with mental illness or whatever is going on, but at the same time, some mental illnesses aren't conducive to marriage...which many on these boards can attest. This is good that this came up now, as painful as it had been, cos this is something that you do not want to have sprung on you after the wedding. Don't allow yourself to go into anything with lingering doubts...have all your questions answered or else you probably need to walk away.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Thanks FormerSelf. I cut the post down as it was so long, but I have known him for 15 years. Friends for 11, dating for 4, engaged for 3. Never, ever seen him act remotely like this before. He has always been very calm, never had depression, anxiousness or any issues whatsoever. Never been impulsive. 

The stress was over 12 months. Bereavement, nasty head injury that caused a lot of problems and time off work, financial problems, high pressure at work, ongoing lack of sleep, family issues...pretty much your worst nightmare. I was very, very stressed myself and was feeling anxious too if I am honest. I think it is not an ongoing issue for him, but simply a case of bottling up stress due to his nature of glossing over things like this and eventually "snapping".

All made worse by the fact that he had no past experience of such things and did not know hat was happening to him.

Don't worry, we cancelled the wedding.

He doesn't ant to get back together right NOW, he just wanted me to know he still loved me as much as always but that he has had a breakdown and he has asked for time to recover. He can't offer me much of anything at all right now. He is very, very unwell.

I really wanted to know from people who have been severely depressed or had a breakdown whether it can cause a person to act so unkind, unfeeling, detached and withdrawn as to seriously hurt those around them, and whether they feel I am stupid to believe this.

I am worried that he left me. I could never, ever leave him. It's so hard to accept that this wasn't "him". But admittedly...it is like an alien took him over. He is the type who would end a relationship very kindly and carefully (I have seen him do this before) so it makes no rational sense.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

DO NOT marry him, until he has had some intensive therapy individually and then at some point you both may need counseling together. He will be of no use to you as a husband emotionally/mentally if he is not well first. If he feels damaged in anyway, emotionally and mentally then that damage will carry over onto you. Any issues he has that's unresolved etc, he will bring with him into the marriage. It will be a long painful road I'm afraid unless he gets the issues under control for himself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think yes, that if a person is severely depressed and mentally unwell, it can cause all of those things.

Do not marry this guy.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mental illness can make a person do really terrible things to the people who love them.It isn't an excuse though.He still had the opportunity to maybe write you a letter or SOMETHING indicating what was going on with him. That's part of being in a relationship.

I think you need to step away from this man at least until he learns some heavy duty coping skills and learns to communicate. He could be this way for the rest of his life though. You could end up being the emotional caretaker for the rest of your life. Is that what you want? Are you capable of shouldering that responsibility?


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Thank you all...there's no question of marrying him...more a question of knowing in my mind whether a person can say / do things like this due to illness without them having any real meaning or being a reflection of their actual emotions.

All I am thinking of doing is opening a dialogue with him, letting him recover and then seeing where we are at then. It would be a long, long, long way and a heck of a lot of counselling before the subject of a wedding was ever raised again.

I don't think he would be like this for life...but he does need to learn better coping and communication skills but he is late thirties and this has never happened before and he was under enormous stress and was completely exhausted. I have heard this can happen to people as a one off.

That said...if there was a recurrence, I would know better how to recognise signs and so would he, and of course if I was with him I would support him...but I just wanted to know whether I can believe he didn't mean to say and do the things he did before I can even think about that.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Layla4221 said:


> but I just wanted to know whether I can believe he didn't mean to say and do the things he did before I can even think about that.


I think that answer is going to be different depending on the person.Keep in mind mental illness isn't a free pass for bad behavior.Everyone says and does things they don't mean but they need to realize some things can't be taken back.You can't un ring a bell.

Suppose he has another episode and lashes out at you calling you a b*tch,wh*re,worthless,stupid,etc. Can you forgive him for that on the basis of "baby I was in a bad place and didn't mean it" ?


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Well, this isn't what happened. He didn't call me names. He just left, withdrew from me completely on every level and all he would say is that he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be alone. After he etarted to get better he said this was the illness talking.

I am not sure what to actually believe. On the one hand, he was incredibly loving and wonderful beforehand (he was only different for three days before he let, quiet and tired) and he made me feel SO loved. I had not a shred of doubt in my mind about his feelings, so of course, his explanation makes a little sense on that front.

On the other hand, of course there is a chance he was acting a bit, realised he could not go through with our wedding, could not confront me and be honest so he had this breakdown as a result of that.

I know no one can tell me which is true, but I suspect one or the other is.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

To give you a description of him...he is the nicest person in the world. He finds it hard to have confrontation with anyone. 

My concern is that he found it too hard to break up with me.

But then I guess why does he want me back now.

His story is that he has always loved me, but felt dead inside and thought this meant he didn't. He says now his medication is working his feelings are going back to normal and he realises he made the biggest mistake of his life.

It's confusing.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Layla4221 said:


> Well, this isn't what happened. He didn't call me names. He just left, withdrew from me completely on every level and all he would say is that he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be alone. After he etarted to get better he said this was the illness talking.
> I understand,I was using the names as an example of what could happen.It really could escalate to that if later down the line he feels trapped,stressed,depressed,etc and can't run away from you.He could lash out this way. You have to be prepared for that.
> I am not sure what to actually believe. On the one hand, he was incredibly loving and wonderful beforehand (he was only different for three days before he let, quiet and tired) and he made me feel SO loved. I had not a shred of doubt in my mind about his feelings, so of course, his explanation makes a little sense on that front.Are you sure he hasn't cheated on you?
> 
> ...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Layla4221 said:


> It's confusing.


That's mental illness for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with it


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Yes, very sure he hasn't cheated on me.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

I can see why that would be the first thought. For most people something like this happens and you think "Other Woman!".

There's just no way...he was so busy, so frazzled, there's no girls where he works, he literally never went out without me, he's AWFUL with women (took him two years to ask ME out) and he's not erm...a casonova. He's a lovely person but in all the time I have been with him he's never even looked at another girl. I don't think he'd ever had a decent sex life before and ours was amaaaaaazing. 

He had a pretty bad head injury at the beginning of the year. I was in the waiting room at the ER and the nurse came in after only 5 minutes to get me. She said "Your fiance is really worrying about you being worried and he insisted we get you before he would let us treat him" then she asked to see my engagement ring because he'd been telling them all he was marrying the most wonderful girl in the world. When I walked into the room, he had all the nurses gathered around his bed and he was telling them all how lucky he was and when I walked in they all told me that we were the sweetest couple they had ever seen.

This was the kind of guy he was. 

Not a cheater.

And if he was pretending to love me he did an awfully good job. He was kind of like a dorky sweetheart. I don't think he has a malicious bone in his body.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

I was also wondering if the head injury might be linked, as he behaved very oddly for a month afterwards. I was really, really worried as his personality was different. It seemed to improve over time though.

He did say this was around when he started to feel depressed.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Layla, it seems that you and I are experiencing the same thing. I just haven't started my own thread yet on it. 

My husband and I have been married over 11 years. His breakdown occurred in December and it's been a roller coaster ever since. In August 2012 one of his older brothers died suddenly, and that was the beginning of his spiral. He's been keeping it together, in what to me looks like a 'fake it till you make it' demeanor ever since. He also has a very high stress job which DOES NOT help his state of mind, as he sees some awful things regularly. I like you am in a state of disbelief that the last 11 1/2 years with him were with a shell of a man, it just can't be.

The death, the job, it has all come crashing down. He has said some downright HORRIBLE things to me that hurt me to my core. He and I didn't fight, we got along like peas and carrots. We enjoyed one another's company, and without a doubt I felt truly and deeply loved by him. I can't believe that ANY of that wasn't real. 

He has been talking to me about what his issues are (thankfully), and he's begun therapy and meds. I'm happy that he at least has and wants to seek help out of this because quite frankly if he didn't, I don't think I could last. I am a very strong person and have been through a lot in my own life, but have managed to pull my self out. He can't seem to, and I will support his getting help. 

It is the mental illness that has your love acting out. Everything I've read, and even my doctor has told me to try not to take it personally... I'm still working through that. It hurts, and it's difficult pretending that it doesn't. I want my husband back. I want who I fell in love with back. He's not that guy anymore, and it's very bizarre to live this way.

I suppose I said all of this to say, you love him and it's going to take so much patience on your part to work with him through this. He loves you too but he needs to resolve his issues to be the man you need him to be. I have solicited the support of my pastor and a close, understanding friend to help me through this. My spirit has taken a beating to say the least... but I'm going to try and take care of me while he's working on himself. What I did do which seemed to relieve him is tell him that I'm not going anywhere and that I will support him through his pain. Most of what is going on with him has to do with his childhood and family dynamics. Then pile on the job. I believe that if he gets those issues resolved, our marriage will be fine.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Layla4221 said:


> I was also wondering if the head injury might be linked, as he behaved very oddly for a month afterwards. I was really, really worried as his personality was different. It seemed to improve over time though.
> 
> He did say this was around when he started to feel depressed.


I think that this could be linked. I heard that brain injury could have consequenzes like that.

Does his psych know about the accident?


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

ABitMuch...that is so kind of you to post that....it's amazing to hear how similar. You really made me feel not alone in this with what you told me. I am SO sorry you are going through this too. It's a horrible thing few could understand, that horrible limbo where you feel unsure of what to even process because reality is not clear. I know what you are going through and have been through and big hugs to you.

It's funny how something like this happens, and that person who was once your rock, your best friend, your world suddenly turns on you and does unthinkable things and this is when you kind of find out what real love is. Because you know they re sick and you keep faith.

He called me tonight and I said "I could not do this for anyone else" and he said "Neither could I". He said he knows in his head that he loves me, but his emotions are numb. He says he just wants to feel SOMETHING. HE is starting, slowly to come back to me. He's now laughing and wants to call me. I think in my gut I know that he is in there underneath this fog.

It is, most definitely, a major test of faith and love and I KNOW it is going to be a heck of a long road back to health for him and also for me. I have to find it somewhere not to give up.

I'll make tea - no he hasn't mentioned it. I keep telling him to do so. It's hard to get action out of him because everything feels like an effort. I'l make sure they look into this. This is literally the turning point where his depression began and I have heard something like 50% or 60% of people suffer depression within 1 year of a major head trauma.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Anxiety/Depression can do a lot of things to someone. 

I've gone through a period of having anxiety and depression; however, I was single. I wanted nothing to do with no one. I was so paranoid, depressed, etc. for no reason and it happened completely out of the blue. I was on the brink of quitting my job and school and just locking myself in my room. I ignored friends, family, etc. and would tell them nasty things to get them away from me. I was sick and not acting like myself at all. A therapist did absolutely nothing for me. 

Eventually, I had a panic attack and went to the hospital thinking I had a heart attack. My dr. pushed me to get on zoloft and I finally did. It was a b*tch for the first 3-4 weeks on it but eventually I went back to acting like myself. It took the thoughts and depression and the paranoia out of me. Ever since, I've went on to lead a very successful life. I'm currently in a serious long relationship and in law school.

So I can relate to him. When you experience this first hand, you understand it. You become emotionless. All you care about is yourself. You forget that the people around you care. It's very had and hopefully those anti-depressants will snap him out of it. If one fails, hop on another and another until he finds his magic pill.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

> HE is starting, slowly to come back to me. He's now laughing and wants to call me. I think in my gut I know that he is in there underneath this fog.


Sounds to me like the pill is starting to kick in. These things are truly godsend. When these things happen, it's because our seratone level get extremely low. These pills bring seratone back to the normal level.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Thanks Wise. He emailed me tonight and tried to explain a bit of what it felt like ad it's exactly as you describe. He said he feels lost, empty, no emotions. He said he knows he loves me, but doesn't feel it the way he did and it scares him a lot because he knows it's insane. He said he feels absolutely no emotions on any level at all, but that it come and goes in waves.

I had heard about this stuff before, but you've no idea how powerful it is until you see it with your own eyes I'm so sorry you went through that experience.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

I spent 7 years with a very kind, sweet and good-hearted man with schizophrenia, with the resulting severe depression and social anxiety. I knew him long before the illness and thought I could handle it - optimistic in love. 

It is not his fault he has this burden and he tries very hard to function as best he can. But marriage made it my burden and it fell more and more heavily on my shoulders until I cracked. Seeing someone you love so much, struggling so hard, is daily torture.

I know you love him. But marrying someone with mental illness is just too hard for most people short of saints. I think your man has had the insight that he is not going to be capable of being a good husband and lifelong partner to you. Now you need to find the inner strength to look beyond your love and compassion for him and see that he is trying to do you a favour. It will take you a long time to get over this relationship and I dont have any real advice. I just wanted to say I understand your heartbreak and I wish you the best in getting through this. Just, do not marry him. Please.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Head injury followed by personality change. I think he needs more than therapy. Probably complete neuropsych eval including MRI and other testing of functions and brain neurochemistry. 

If I were him I'd get a complete copy of all medical records from the brain injury, and before then, and insist on stricted testing for whatever he was diagnosed with (the depression) which usually includes rule outs of causes like traumatic brain injury. 

He wouldn't be the first person with a brain injury or physical illness to be diagnosed as having depression and anxiety. It does create depression and anxiety...try keeping up with your old life while recovering from a brain injury - it's crazy making in itself, particularly without a proper diagnosis or treatment. 

If you read the paperwork that he was discharged with from the head injury, it probably says to look out for certain symptoms...including personality changes. 

Even if they did an MRI or a CT scan at the hospital, you can have it re-read, and use it as a reference for a repeat. Just to be sure. 

Also wonder if he was given any medications as a result of that injury, for pain or infection or whatever...some people end up with weird reactions to pain meds, i.e. Codeine...


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

That is really good advice...I will get him to see the doc again.

Gumtree...I don't think this is more than a one off...no previous history (he is 40) and it came up under fairly unique and extreme circumstances?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I agree...the head injury could play a role in this. I know of a couple with three great kids...dad had motorcycle related head injury...and although he recovered he wasn't the same. Left her and the kids for another woman...and she was certain it was the head injury.

And as much as you can love a person...marrying someone with a mental illness is a huge undertaking...and yeah...often not very healthy for either partner. My cousin married a women who later developed schizophrenia...and the marriage wasn't something that could be sustained...yet now he and new wife are very much involved with helping first wife...and I think that is very cool.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

After I posted I did a little research about major depression after a traumatic brain injury. It's actually quite common, and even then, thought to be under-reported. (I work in mental health services, not a clinician but responsible for improving quality care and also clinical treatment guidelines, right now in mental health services...)

But I think there is probably a slightly different approach to treating major depression occurring after brain injury, than just occurring at some other time. Stress can make anything worse...and the brain/body doesn't really differentiate good stress from bad stress, it's the same system that responds. And the stress of cognitive challenges after a brain injury I know from personal experience, is very difficult. It can take a few years for things to get to normal, but it won't be "back to normal" as there is no "back"....but it can actually be a "better normal" than before, once the patient understands that recovery means finding new ways of being... and stops panicking and trying to get back to what once was. However, it's all very frightening especially since intelligence is retained and you know your brain isn't working right...it takes a while to trust oneself. But it can be done. I found from my own experience with brain trauma that you really do need to figure it all out on your own, and too much "support" coming from too many different directions, that can come with pressure of many kinds to "recover" is unhelpful. Knowing there is a safety net and it's okay to make mistakes and to be imperfect and quirky and to laugh at the times you can't remember things or the wrong word comes out of your mouth when you meant to say something else...is the best support.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Homemaker...wow, thank you. I'm going to definitely look into this. At the time I just figured after the concussion symptoms went he was "as good as new", but thinking back it was right after this he stopped sleeping well and started being irritable more often. Unfortunately this is also the exact time all the stress began to hit too. It would make a lot of sense if there was some sort of link because he might bottle things up but he also exercises a lot, east well, had a loving partner and has a really positive attitude to things and I was really, really surprised that he became depressed. Although I have read it can happen to anyone under extreme stress and have also read exhaustion is a major contributor to breakdowns. In the month before this, he was REALLY, REALLY exhausted due to work / travel / illness etc. and he was just not managing to deal with it.

It's a shame he doesn't vocalise much...if it had been me, I would have talked to him and it could have been nipped in the bud before it ever got to this level.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

25 yrs ago my husband was in a car accident and had a severe concusion. The neurologist explained that we might notice depression and personality changes after a severe head injury but the usually righted themselves after 6 months. If after 6 months things didn't go back to the way they were...ie...personality changes they were most likely permanent. My husband was not one of the fortunate ones his personality completely changed and he suffers from manic depression caused by the chemical imbalance from the injury. We have been married 32 yrs, I love him and yes he has issues just a different set of issues than other people. We've learned to work together to watch for signs that his meds are not working or he is getting depressed and we get him the help he needs. 

Your fella needs to go to the doctor and make sure he fully understands his injury and his depression. You will need to decide if you are willing to live with a person that might have these challenges in their life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> After I posted I did a little research about major depression after a traumatic brain injury. It's actually quite common, and even then, thought to be under-reported. (I work in mental health services, not a clinician but responsible for improving quality care and also clinical treatment guidelines, right now in mental health services...)
> 
> But I think there is probably a slightly different approach to treating major depression occurring after brain injury, than just occurring at some other time. Stress can make anything worse...and the brain/body doesn't really differentiate good stress from bad stress, it's the same system that responds. And the stress of cognitive challenges after a brain injury I know from personal experience, is very difficult. It can take a few years for things to get to normal, but it won't be "back to normal" as there is no "back"....but it can actually be a "better normal" than before, once the patient understands that recovery means finding new ways of being... and stops panicking and trying to get back to what once was. However, it's all very frightening especially since intelligence is retained and you know your brain isn't working right...it takes a while to trust oneself. But it can be done. I found from my own experience with brain trauma that you really do need to figure it all out on your own, and too much "support" coming from too many different directions, that can come with pressure of many kinds to "recover" is unhelpful. Knowing there is a safety net and it's okay to make mistakes and to be imperfect and quirky and to laugh at the times you can't remember things or the wrong word comes out of your mouth when you meant to say something else...is the best support.


You are correct....depression from a head injury is different and is treated differently. It is caused primarily by an imbalance in the brain from the trauma.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Hmm...ok...this is very worrying.

Do you know how they can tell if the depression is from the head injury or the stress?

I know no one is a doctor! 

I hope this isn't a permanent thing


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

The doctors told us only time would tell us that. My husband is the rare case....I would not expect your fellas to be permanent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I think the both of you should discuss that with a doctor... but do not discuss it without your guys "permission"! 

Don't stop to encourage him to mention this to his psych.

You could join a support group for people with traumatic brain injuries / their partners. You are not alone. Best oft luck!


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Thank you so much. Of course, I will talk to him and he can talk to his own doc and mention it to the psych. I will wait a few days though, he sees very, very low right now and says he is tired of feeling the way he does. Sometimes I have to wait for the right day or mood to talk to him about anything new. He has no mental energy at all.

I am educating myself, reading books and internet forums and websites to try and understand where he is. It is so mystifying to see him like this. He was always such a positive and happy person.

I have let him know he has my support and can count on me for anything and he has started to text or email me if he feels low. I think this is good that he can reach out as I know he doesn't talk to anyone else.

It's a very hard thing to know the right thing to do! I agonise over getting my words right so I know he knows he is loved but also so he doesn't feel any pressure.

Of course, I am angry and hurt myself, but I have total faith that he is very ill and had no intention to hurt me. 

I hope the medication works better soon...he is still very low. It frightens me, but he has assured me he knows he will be OK and would not do anything stupid.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

It's good you are learning as much as possible about his condition.

I think may take a while until his medication starts working. Typically about two weeks according to what I heard.

Where are you by the way? May be people here could give you some adresses of support groups.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

We're in England. I see there are lots of resources and we also have great private medical insurance so I might speak to them and see what else might be available.

I posted the thread to see if it was plausible really that this issue caused him to behave in such a vile and out of character way, and based on the answers here, combined with the reading I have done online and speaking to him a few more times I do now feel 100% sure that this is genuinely what has happened, so now I obviously only want to help him.

Yes, the medication takes a while to work according to all the websites but it looks like it works differently with different people and it also doesn't work with everyone...I am reading it;s a bit of a lottery.

He has reported that he has stopped crying constantly, that he feels of a more "even" mood generally with less severe lows but he also is suffering from extreme agitation, exhaustion, constant yawning and a feeling of being emotionless. 

I spoke to him tonight and he is keeping a brave face on it but I know he is very worn and frightened. I hope he sees less side effects and a big improvement soon.

It's heartbreaking...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Keep an eye on him if he says he is tired of feeling this way. You could ask him outright if he is thinking about "ending it all."

A brain injury causes stress, so there's no way to really tell one stress from a another....the way the body works, it's additive, not an either or. 

Think of something like a "perfect storm." 

Sleep is good. Make sure he gets a lot of sleep. After brain injury I required about 14 hours out of each 24, at a minimum.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

I did Homemaker and he said "Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid".  I don't think he is suicidal...I get very scared when the topic is even raised because I know it is a risk.

I will suggest sleep. Thank you


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

The head injury raises flags with me. This could be the problem but if it is there may not be anything that can be done. I would think twice about marrying him, at least not until he gets some serious help and makes a lot of improvement.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

I really really really encourage you to read my story...YES depression and mental illness (bipolar) can cause people to do this BUT no, it generally does NOT get better unless they are cooperative with treatment and medicine.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi Chrish

I read your post. Wow, bipolar sounds very difficult to live with and I know how awful it is when your SO says they don't love you and then says it was the illness talking.

I am really hoping that as my partner has no history of anything like this that it is brought on by extreme stress and is a one off occurrence. This is all I can hope for right now.

I hope there's nothing permanent, I feel he is improving and taking big steps.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Layla4221 said:


> I hope there's nothing permanent, I feel he is improving and taking big steps.


you should tell him that you believe it is not permanent and he will get better. Depressive people sometimes feel like they will always be in the bad place they are which is wrong.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

I do tell him, all the time. Keep trying to fill him with hope. He says he knows he will be fine but I think he doesn't really believe it


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You have to love the entire person. If your partner has mental issues, that means accepting thet he is going to have some additional challenges. Mental issues are rarely cured. Rather, it's more of a chronic situation and more about managing the condition. Likely, this is not the last time something like this will happen. When thinking about your future, know that situations like this may happen from time to time.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

When the brain is injured and oxygen deprived even at moderate levels, it's really difficult to make decisions and to manage the amount of information that comes at a person even with a normal, sane, well-managed life. It used to take me about 4 hours to balance a checkbook, now it's back to 20 minutes. Also one's impulse control is changed, to be somewhat looser...to the point where you're thankful you're tired all the time so that you don't act on all the stuff you get it in your head that you want to do. The reaction to all of that, at least for me, was to try to do as little as possible and to gain control of just the day to day functions at home...like personal care, managing finances, doing a little bit of work you know you're not going to mess up, doing groceries and cooking, keeping in touch with your friends, watching the news and getting a feel for what is "normal" in this weird new existence. After a while you "find" yourself again, but it's a self that isn't based on your old identity which for most adults is work. A period of self-centeredness is, I think healthy and normal. The brain is growing new connections. That takes time. And if you have a lot of "noise" and demands coming at you, it's difficult to find your inner quiet voice that you used to take for granted. The demands of every day life as you used to know it are just, overwhelming. 1-3 years is necessary. And avoid the urge to work out vigorously, to drink more than one drink at a time, etc. Oxygen levels are very important. Nutrition is also important. Quiet time and sleep very important, and some kind of nice relaxing social interaction. I liked ballroom dancing, but also things like indoor rock climbing, fencing, tai chi, badminton, adult broom hockey...very helpful. 

I would not give up on this guy. Just enjoy his company and wait it out. Just when you find yourself enjoying the new "speed" of life, it will all be over and you'll have to make the choice of going back to what you thought was "normal" or choosing a different path, or somewhere in between.

Learn to do and enjoy silly stuff, no hassle time wasters...


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

l already see pretty clearly the major root of all this in terms of his coping mechanisms being off kilter and that gives me a lot of confidence that this might be a turning point for him to come out of this as a better version of himself with some therapy.

He doesn't say anything when he's not happy with something or if he feels bad. He never has. Not ever. He has always thought this was being "positive" and "strong".

He literally NEVER expresses anger about his own life (he was capable of getting extremely angry if someone was horrible to me, but not himself). 

We were friends a long time before we dated and I watched when his ex left him for his best friend, they moved in together, into HIS house with HIS kid...he didn't react other than to say he hoped she'd be happy. His boss treats him like crap year after year and although he has amazing qualifications and is in a field with amazing opportunities he doesn't quit. He just sort of lets stuff wash over him, like perpetual apathy.

I think this stress, exhaustion and everything just snapped him and all of a sudden years of repressed anger / annoyance / bitterness etc. just spilled out of him like crazy. I am getting this because the past few weeks he has been spilling all this emotion about this stuff out to me.

At first he directed it at me (as the nearest person around) but after a few weeks of calming down he came to realise it was actually everything else he is raging about internally and I am actually the only person in his life he ISN'T actually angry with. 

Our relationship was a really happy one, but it was also one where he felt he couldn't be weak, or even completely open about his own negative feelings. Not because of me, but because he struggles to even acknowledge these feelings in himself. I am really hoping that if he goes through this, we have the possibility of being an even better and stronger version of what we were.

I know for both of us it is the best relationship we ever had. The foundations, the attraction, the joy of being with each other is all there...it;s just his communication was off and this led to me being unable to be there for him. Because he shut me out, instead of helping him at his lowest, I became another responsibility or even an emotional burden. Someone he had to play happy for.

This is most of the stuff that has come out of our discussions. He's increasingly able to talk and articulate. Although some days (like today) he doesn't get out of bed and just feels randomly blue.

I just talked to him for a couple of hours, and I know right now I am the only person he can talk to. He plays down what he is going through to all our friends and family. He is able to "play act" for people socially but I guess this exhausts him.

In his dark place I know I can still make him laugh, and I know the bond between us is still there. I am hoping given time there is some way to sort it all out. i have faith that he will recover. I do believe the head injury might have been a trigger, but it could equally just be an incredible amount of stress. Either way the ultimate cause of the breakdown was the way he tried to hide it from everyone. 

I have read online load of stories like this..but in almost all cases the guy was moody for a while, off sex, less attentive, quiet. He showed none of these signs. He was good at hiding it. Far too good...I never knew.

I feel closer to him now. Like I loved him before, but now I see his weaknesses it makes me love him more. I think that's been a shock for him. He expected me to stop loving him once I knew he wasn't Mr Perfect. 

I am trying to show him that if he sometimes tells me he needs a day in bed because he's tired that's OK. If he sometimes moans to me about how bad his day was that's OK. If he sometimes tells me something I do pisses him off that's OK. Basically that he can tell me anything, feel anything, do anything and no matter what I am not going to leave him. 

He said to me last week that until this happened he didn't actually know that I really loved him. He thought it was sort of conditional on him being the one who supported me. I hope he can realise that marriage means taking turns in supporting each other and maybe we can both learn a lot now.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

He told me actually that since the day I agreed to go out with him finally, he felt like I was out of his league and he had to play a certain part to keep me. I think this insecurity in come comes from being treated very badly by his exes, who both took advantage of his sweet easygoing nature and then both left him in horrible ways.

He says he sees now that I am not like that.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: Jilted before wedding...he blames mental illness for his acts?*



Layla4221 said:


> I was also wondering if the head injury might be linked, as he behaved very oddly for a month afterwards. I was really, really worried as his personality was different. It seemed to improve over time though.
> 
> He did say this was around when he started to feel depressed.


He needs an mri if he hasn't had one and a refferal to see a neuropsychologist for a full evaluation and testing.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

I know jdd. They don't give you an MRI as standard so he never got one at the time. I will ask him to get one, definitely.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: Jilted before wedding...he blames mental illness for his acts?*



Layla4221 said:


> Hmm...ok...this is very worrying.
> 
> Do you know how they can tell if the depression is from the head injury or the stress?
> 
> ...


This is what testing a neuropsychologist does is for. It's not an easy determination to make, but the timeline is suggestive of this being a result of the brain injury.

A specialist is needed for this type of evaluation; a neuropsychologist or a good neurologist or both.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: Jilted before wedding...he blames mental illness for his acts?*



Layla4221 said:


> I am really hoping that as my partner has no history of anything like this that it is brought on by extreme stress and is a one off occurrence. This is all I can hope for right now.
> 
> I hope there's nothing permanent, I feel he is improving and taking big steps.


How old is he?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

wilson said:


> Mental issues are rarely cured.


Why do you think so?


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

jdd said:


> How old is he?


He's 40


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: Jilted before wedding...he blames mental illness for his acts?*



Layla4221 said:


> He's 40


That would be really old for most serious mental health issues to first appear. Given his age I even more strongly suspect this is related to the tbi vs a mental illness suddenly starting.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

I don't think he's ever experienced proper stress before on multiple levels though, and I do think it was a build up over years. Not saying I don't also believe TBI is the culprit (I have suspicions on it too), it's just that I can believe his natural "bury your head in the sand" personality was a ticking time bomb.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

"Burry your head in the sand personality" is common in males. I do not think it's a time bomb. It's just the way they deal with things.


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

I agree it's what men do but for him it was far beyond normal. He was unable to have a confrontation with anyone or to discuss anything. To the point of being aware his ex was sleeping with his best friend for many months and not saying anything.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I see. What a horrible break of trust that must have been for him!


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## Layla4221 (Jan 17, 2014)

Yes, and a lot of repressed rage and pain. He had the same attitude at work. He was taken advantage of repeatedly over many years and said / did nothing. His ex continued to terrorise us throughout the years...withholding access to his daughter if we did not follow her rules to the letter (down to what movies we could watch, what we could buy as Xmas presents)

Right now, all he can talk about when he does talk with emotion is explosive anger at his ex, his old best friend, his boss etc. and he has never voiced any of this before. He says his breakdown is the result of years of bottling resentment. This is how he sees it.

Things had reached breaking point.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I hope he can realise that marriage means taking turns in supporting each other and maybe we can both learn a lot now.


I love this. It's something I said to my husband not too long ago.

The things you say about him here are so similar to what I'm dealing with, even down to their age. My H just turned 40 last August (I'm 3 yrs older).


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