# My husband has been sleeping with other women



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

I am an idiot. I'm stupid enough that I probably deserve this. I have been cheated on before so I shouldn't have been so oblivious. I can't get anything right and can never be enough. 

I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years, it feels too early to be writing about this. Not like it would somehow be better if we had been married for 10 or 20 years... My husband, who is suppose to love me, has cheated with multiple women. He has slept with THREE women during the short course of our marriage... All in the last 6 months. During that time we were trying to get pregnant (and succeeded). I don't understand how he could try and create a family with me while screwing other women?!  He said the stress of TTC made him cheat. I shouldn't have made the sex just about TTC and should have paid more attention to his needs... 

I had no idea that he was cheating . What kind of wife can't tell when something is up for months?!  I guess I'm just an idiot and he's right, I wasn't paying any attention to him. If he didn't tell me about it I never would have found out. He was man enough to tell me what he has done and wants to work on our marriage. I just wish he would have been man enough not to cheat...  He wants to have a good marriage and bring this baby into a happy home. 

How am I suppose to move on from this? He took the first steps, he told me and wants to fix the marriage, but I can't hold up my end... He has given me full access to his computer and phone, and always tells me where he goes. But I still worry all the time. It never ends...  He works nights and I stay up all night worrying about what he is doing, if he is talking to anyone. He put a program on our phones that lets me see anything he does on his, like texts and calls. All night I can't sleep and obsess over who he was with and what he did with her (them). I cry all the time. Every day when I'm at work I worry non-stop. When he doesn't text me constantly I I worry about what he's doing. I can't stop obsessing over what he did with other women. Why did he like them? Why were they better than me? Why were they worth risking our marriage? Why were they worth hurting me? What did they talk about? Did he tell them things that he hasn't told me? Were they more attractive? Smarter? Funnier? More in common? Better in bed? Where did he touch them? Where did they touch him? Was the sex good? What was it like? It just never ends.... 

I don't know how to be ok and make this work... I've lost my family once, I can't do it again. I have a son from a previous relationship, he is in middle school. I was with his father for 6 years and he left me for another woman after having an emotional then physical affair. He is still with her, happily married, 8 years later. I can't go through that again... for once I want to be enough... It's obviously my fault and I clearly suck as a partner. 

I just want it all to go away and to erase it. Sometimes I wish he never told me and just stopped doing it...


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this.

Number 1 it is not your fault that he cheated, he is gas lighting you my saying it was the pressure of trying to get pregnant. I hate when people blame their selves for being cheated on, you didn't make him do it he did this on his own.

If you want to save this marriage you 2 need marriage counseling and individual counseling. It sounds like you married a serial cheater and need to decide if you want to continue a marriage with a serial cheater.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

I was neglecting our marriage and drove him away... He made the choice to cheat but I obviously didn't help at all. I didn't even notice... He doesn't want to cheat again and feels terrible for doing it. He has said he won't do it again but he promised when we married that he would always be faithful. I have a hard time trusting him after the trust was blown to smithereens. He has suggested marriage counselling but said he doesn't know how much it will help. He doesn't want a therapist to make our problems worse by overtalking it. We have to move on...


----------



## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

((Hugs))

Don't let him blame you. It was his choice to do this. 

He needs a lot of individual counseling to figure out why he would do such a terrible thing. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

No easy answers here, i imagine that you both wanted to get pregnant? Is he a serial cheat who previously cheated on his former partners, did you know this when you met him?, he seems very shallow indeed, in fact the words i would have for him can't be printed here on TAM, he has done a ot of damage to you, that is apparent from your constant fears of whereabouts etc, it s too easy to say shut out the negative thoughts, but that won't help at 03:43 in the morning when he is out and you are alone in bed wide awake. I think you need to interrogate him for the reasons why he cheated, don't let him near you until you are comfortable you have all you need form him truth wise, then see how you feel about continuing the marriage, maybe it cannot be saved, only you will know this, he needs to be accountable for his actions, he has to understand the damage he has done to you, appreciate you more and love only you, this may be too much for him, time will tell.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

KevinZX said:


> No easy answers here, i imagine that you both wanted to get pregnant? Is he a serial cheat who previously cheated on his former partners, did you know this when you met him?, he seems very shallow indeed, in fact the words i would have for him can't be printed here on TAM, he has done a ot of damage to you, that is apparent from your constant fears of whereabouts etc, it s too easy to say shut out the negative thoughts, but that won't help at 03:43 in the morning when he is out and you are alone in bed wide awake. I think you need to interrogate him for the reasons why he cheated, don't let him near you until you are comfortable you have all you need form him truth wise, then see how you feel about continuing the marriage, maybe it cannot be saved, only you will know this, he needs to be accountable for his actions, he has to understand the damage he has done to you, appreciate you more and love only you, this may be too much for him, time will tell.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


We both wanted to get pregnant. My child from my previous relationship was unplanned and the destruction on that relationship was high. After that experience I would never plan a child without my husband being 110% on board. He has a daughter from a previous marriage, and loves being a dad. He’s very involved in her life and is a great step-dad to my son. He wanted this baby just as much as I did… It took us longer than we expected to conceive but we didn’t need any assistance getting pregnant. He divorced his ex-wife because he wanted more kids and she didn’t want anymore… He didn’t cheat on her when they were TTC, but I guess she was better than me and more worth it than me. He said he has never really cheated before, the closest he got was sleeping with a woman who was in a relationship but that was in his early 20’s… I’m the first person he has actually cheated on. I suppose that is suppose to make me feel better, that he’s not a serial cheater, but it makes me feel worse…. Because everyone else in his life was worth more. 

He knows that my ex cheated on me and left me for that woman. He knows how much that hurt and how hard it was for me to trust someone again. He put in a lot of time and effort to get me to trust him, I don’t understand how he could do this… Everything we’ve built he ruined. He has told me that he cheated because there was so much stress at home. Around the time we started TTC his hours were changed to all nights instead of alternating shifts. Custody with his ex-wife and their daughter changed and she has been very difficult for the last year. He was stressed that I wasn’t getting pregnant and was blaming himself, even though we both had no problem getting pregnant (or getting someone pregnant) before. I wasn’t paying attention to him and the sex was stale, and just about getting pregnant. I was too focused on getting pregnant. But he never said anything…. ever. He didn’t try to talk to me… instead he put his penis in three other women….


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

navré said:


> I was neglecting our marriage and drove him away... He made the choice to cheat but I obviously didn't help at all. I didn't even notice... He doesn't want to cheat again and feels terrible for doing it. He has said he won't do it again but he promised when we married that he would always be faithful. I have a hard time trusting him after the trust was blown to smithereens. He has suggested marriage counselling but said he doesn't know how much it will help. He doesn't want a therapist to make our problems worse by overtalking it. We have to move on...


You didn't drive him away and most of what he is telling you right now is blame****ting and denial for his actions. Your getting very typical wayward talk right now. You "made" me do it, I don't want to go to counseling, lets move on etc etc. 

If you want to go to MC then make an appointment and tell him the time. If he doesn't want to go, show him the door. It's not up to him to dictate how you feel or how R should go. Right now until he changes his tune you should think about divorce even though it's not what your heart wants. 

How long since he admitted this? It's not unusual at all to be numb for months after a devastating event like infidelity. You've only been married a short time, what triggered his confession?


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

navré said:


> We both wanted to get pregnant. My child from my previous relationship was unplanned and the destruction on that relationship was high. After that experience I would never plan a child without my husband being 110% on board. He has a daughter from a previous marriage, and loves being a dad. He’s very involved in her life and is a great step-dad to my son. He wanted this baby just as much as I did… It took us longer than we expected to conceive but we didn’t need any assistance getting pregnant. He divorced his ex-wife because he wanted more kids and she didn’t want anymore… He didn’t cheat on her when they were TTC, but I guess she was better than me and more worth it than me. He said he has never really cheated before, the closest he got was sleeping with a woman who was in a relationship but that was in his early 20’s… I’m the first person he has actually cheated on. I suppose that is suppose to make me feel better, that he’s not a serial cheater, but it makes me feel worse…. Because everyone else in his life was worth more.
> 
> He knows that my ex cheated on me and left me for that woman. He knows how much that hurt and how hard it was for me to trust someone again. He put in a lot of time and effort to get me to trust him, I don’t understand how he could do this… Everything we’ve built he ruined. He has told me that he cheated because there was so much stress at home. Around the time we started TTC his hours were changed to all nights instead of alternating shifts. Custody with his ex-wife and their daughter changed and she has been very difficult for the last year. He was stressed that I wasn’t getting pregnant and was blaming himself, even though we both had no problem getting pregnant (or getting someone pregnant) before. I wasn’t paying attention to him and the sex was stale, and just about getting pregnant. I was too focused on getting pregnant. But he never said anything…. ever. He didn’t try to talk to me… instead he put his penis in three other women….


Ask his ex, I'll bet he's cheated before. No one goes from never to 3 in a six month period without some practice


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

I’m afraid to go to marriage counselling because I’m scared what else will come out. He promises he has told me everything, but it’s the smaller details that I’m afraid of. On one hand I want to know everything and I obsess over it, but on the other hand I don’t know if I could handle him saying that yes, he was more attracted to x, y and z and they were better, funner, prettier, sexier. I don’t want to feel even worse about myself because I didn’t realize he was cheating. He cheated multiple times and saw two of the women more than once, and I didn’t have a clue… I don’t want to go to marriage counselling and be told how bad of a wife and partner I was being… My husband said he would go if I think it’s a good idea… 

He told me 13 days ago. He told me because he felt bad and wants to fix our marriage before this baby arrives and seeing the ultrasound made him realize how real it was. If I tell him to leave that’s just pushing him into the arms of other women… And I have to explain to another child why their father and I are not together. I don’t want a divorce… I don’t want a cheating husband either but I already have that…  

His exwife hates me. I did some things as a step-parent that she didn't like and now she refuses to talk to me at all. I don't think she would ever talk to me about their previous marriage. I think she would be happy to know that he cheated on me... She has said some really hateful things to me, even though I have always tried to be nice to her and stay on her good side.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

navré said:


> *I’m afraid to go to marriage counselling because I’m scared what else will come out*. He promises he has told me everything, but it’s the smaller details that I’m afraid of. On one hand I want to know everything and I obsess over it, but on the other hand I don’t know if I could handle him saying that yes, he was more attracted to x, y and z and they were better, funner, prettier, sexier. I don’t want to feel even worse about myself because I didn’t realize he was cheating. He cheated multiple times and saw two of the women more than once, and I didn’t have a clue… I don’t want to go to marriage counselling and be told how bad of a wife and partner I was being… My husband said he would go if I think it’s a good idea…
> 
> He told me 13 days ago. He told me because he felt bad and wants to fix our marriage before this baby arrives and seeing the ultrasound made him realize how real it was. If I tell him to leave that’s just pushing him into the arms of other women… And I have to explain to another child why their father and I are not together. I don’t want a divorce… I don’t want a cheating husband either but I already have that…
> 
> His exwife hates me. I did some things as a step-parent that she didn't like and now she refuses to talk to me at all. I don't think she would ever talk to me about their previous marriage. I think she would be happy to know that he cheated on me... She has said some really hateful things to me, even though I have always tried to be nice to her and stay on her good side.


Then it would be stuff you need to know about.

We'll be here for you, no matter what.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Then it would be stuff you need to know about.
> 
> We'll be here for you, no matter what.


I don't know how much more I can handle to find out... I don't think there could possibly be more. It's already bad enough, what more could he have done... It almost feels like self-sabotaging to keep dragging out all the smaller details just to torment myself... I don't know what to do, clearly...  I wish there was a magic memory erase button.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

navré said:


> I don't know how much more I can handle to find out... I don't think there could possibly be more. It's already bad enough, what more could he have done... It almost feels like self-sabotaging to keep dragging out all the smaller details just to torment myself... I don't know what to do, clearly...  I wish there was a magic memory erase button.


I know, it's difficult.

And we do tend to blame ourselves, even though we should really know it wasn't us, but them.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think he told you because the dirty laundry was starting to smell.

And someone else was "primed" or "likely" to tell. Maybe one of the "other" women. One of those cuties said, You tell her the truth....or I will". Your husband may have been lying to her and she got angry and she threatened to expose...to get "even".

Somebody may have been ready to expose. I simply do not buy his excuse....that he was feeling guilty. 

Oh, yeah...NOW he does. The SOB-ster should.

Somebody will come along and tell you that you have a bad "man picker". OK, now what?

It is more than choosing the wrong man to get involved with....it is more.
Fate, yes Fate dumps these guys up on your beach. Fate waves them before your nose, your eyes and your life. And you snap them up. If there ever is another time to do man-picking take your time. 

Find one who is 1) compatible, 2) you have chemistry with...and 3) one who is trustworthy.

It is the trustworthy thing that is tripping you up. This is a Neptunian condition. Shady characters move in on you...whether you like it or not....whether you know it or not.
This is your Achilles Heel. "Vet" everyone that tries to get close to you.
.....................................................................................................................

Now, to the present...

He cheated on you. Bad.
He cheated on you with three women. Real bad.

I guess having one, three or five physical affairs makes no difference in the long run. Multiple affairs shows he needs the attention of other women. He is insecure. He is doing it for the thrill, the sex. Not for love.

That makes him "merely" a bum and untrustworthy.

Was the sex with the other women better? Maybe, maybe not. If wasn't for the sex, it was for his ego and for his insecurities. 

I would dump him. But if you decide to give him another chance, give him one year to clean up his act. Monitor him for life.


----------



## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

navré - I am so sorry that you are here. Reading your story made me so angry and so sad. Firstly and most importantly - you are not stupid, oblivious or an idiot. And you absolutely do not suck as a partner. Your marriage vows are the partnership contract between you and your husband. The person who breaks those vows is the one who sucks at being a partner. 



navré said:


> He has told me that he cheated because there was so much stress at home.


No, your husband cheated because he was weak and deceitful. He cheated because he decided that whatever selfish pleasure and excitement those sexual encounters brought him was worth risking his honour and his marriage for. Stress at home (from your TTC issues and his ex-wife and custody concerns) may have made him stressed. But right now, millions of married people all over the world are more stressed than he ever was. And the vast majority of them will remain faithful to their spouses. 



navré said:


> I’m the first person he has actually cheated on. I suppose that is suppose to make me feel better, that he’s not a serial cheater, but it makes me feel worse…. Because everyone else in his life was worth more.


I can tell you that your husband has carried this flaw within him for a long time. There is nothing that you did or did not do that caused him to cheat ... or could have prevented him from cheating. Because he (all by himself) made the decision for each deceitful and adulterous action that he took. The biggest thing that I can share with you is that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is not your flaw or your failing. A faithful man would have spoken to you to address issues within your marriage. A faithful man would have tried counselling. A faithful man could have done a thousand things that would not have damaged you like your husband has damaged you. 



navré said:


> He doesn't want to cheat again and feels terrible for doing it. He has said he won't do it again but he promised when we married that he would always be faithful. I have a hard time trusting him after the trust was blown to smithereens. He has suggested marriage counselling but said he doesn't know how much it will help. He doesn't want a therapist to make our problems worse by overtalking it. We have to move on...


No, you don't have to move on. In fact, I'll say it stronger and say that under no circumstances should you move on until you are 110% ready to do so. Your husband doesn't really want to go to a therapist because he doesn't want to confront what he has done. He's currently living in a nice cosy little world of denial where he gets to say "I'm sorry". And forgiveness happens and everything magically disappears. No more uncomfortable guilt or shame. And certainly no need for him to have to face the pain that he has caused you. Saying that you just need "to move on"? That is like someone who just plunged a knife into your heart telling you to get up and walk it off. 

It is completely normal for you to be uncertain about whether you can recover from this. Your feelings of being at fault and inadequate, that this is something that you somehow brought on yourself, are also very common given what you've just been through. You need to be able to work through these feelings in a healthy way so that you can figure out for yourself what is true and what is not. And so you can figure out what you want and need to do. Are you going to any form of individual counselling yourself? Your previous marriage had already caused you a lot of damage and this recent betrayal has probably resurrected a lot of that too.

When is your baby due?
Do you have family (parents or siblings) close by?

Take heart, navré. It may not seem possible right now, but things can and will get better.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

First of all you are not to blame.
He is talking the scripted talk of a cheater. Blame shifting and saying
To rug sweep it and move on.
If he wants to save the marriage he will go to marriage counseling with you and he will get some individual counseling.
Who knows what will come out but better you know it now and not years down the line.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

navré said:


> I don't know how much more I can handle to find out... I don't think there could possibly be more. It's already bad enough, what more could he have done... It almost feels like self-sabotaging to keep dragging out all the smaller details just to torment myself... I don't know what to do, clearly...  I wish there was a magic memory erase button.


There is always more and that's what your afraid of. Your still very early in this process and still very much in the denial phase that just about everyone goes thru. You just want the hurt to stop right now and that's understandable. Today you feel it's tormenting yourself but in time you will see its not. One of the problems in all this is trickle truth, you finally start to heal up over time then some detail pops up and it set you right back to the beginning. 

Your letting your fear rule you right now and you have to overcome that. You also need to give yourself time to process what has happened and make no true decisions for a couple of months regarding r or d till your emotions calm down and you see his actions and if he is remorseful etc. 

He's not remorseful now and the more he can hide or details he doesn't share with you the greater chance this is going to happen again in the future.


----------



## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

It's really upsetting how much blame you are letting him place on your shoulders. You didn't do anything to make him cheat. That was a decision he came to on his own accord. Stressed? Welcome to LIFE. Most of us are stressed here and there, but we pursue relaxing hobbies to take some of that burden off of us. We go shopping or fishing; out for a run. We don't go and cheat on our spouses. 

He feels terrible for doing this yet it took him THREE different women to reach this point? I'm sorry, but I have a hard time believing a man can feel any remorse after going to that extreme. 

Am I reading it right that you are currently pregnant? If so, please tell your OB-GYN that you need a repeat STD panel and use him/her as a confidante for the time being. I say this from experience. My ex-husband left me for another woman when I was 7 months pregnant with our third child. I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't eating and ended up losing over 15lbs DURING my pregnancy (and I'm not an overweight woman so this was not safe for the baby or me) until I finally confided in him (my OB). He immediately ordered a repeat STD panel and gently encouraged me to begin a low dose of anti-depressants. He knew I was experiencing intense depression and was worried that it would turn to severe PPD (postpartum depression) after I gave birth. I took his advice and am so glad I did. I was able to slowly wean myself from the AD's within a year and was also able to thoroughly enjoy my baby even amidst the turmoil of filing for divorce when she was just two months old.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am afraid that you have married a serial cheat, a liar, and a man with no concept of faithfulness. He clearly has no moral values nor boundaries of any sort with the opposite sex. On top of all that disgusting behavior he blames you????No, he isn't remorseful. You need to make a decision, stay with a man who is 99.9% likely to cheat again, or go it alone.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I am afraid that you have married a serial cheat, a liar, and a man with no intention of being faithful. He clearly has no moral values nor boundaries of any sort with the opposite sex. On top of all that disgusting behavior he blames you????No, he isn't remorseful.
> You need to make a decision, stay with a man who is 99.9% likely to cheat again, or go it alone.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

My husband promised that no one other than the women he cheated with know. None of his friends or family. He said they weren’t married and meant nothing to him. He doesn’t contact them anymore and they were nothing more than sex (nothing emotional). I don’t want anyone to surface and tell me that they know about it or where part of it…. That would be a nightmare. I don’t want anyone in our lives to find out about this… it will make it harder to forget and makes me look bad too. I either A) Have no idea how to pick a good man and I’m a giant idiot who needs to live in a cave, or B) I’m such a ****ty partner that no man will want to be faithful to me. I don’t want our kids to find out about it… When my son figured out the timeline of his dad and I splitting up and his dad meeting his step-mom, he was extremely upset. I don’t want to go through that again…. Everything in my life just repeats… I don’t want to disappoint my son and fail him again… 

My ex and I were together from 2003-2009, in those 6 years we never married or engaged. I wanted to but my ex had no interest in marrying me and always had an excuse not to. The woman he left me for was an ex girlfriend of his. For 3 years he had a long distance emotional affair with her that I was unaware of as he only talked to her while he was at work (through text and phone calls). For the last 3 months that we were together it developed into a physical affair and he left me for her. They married 8 months later and have been together for the last 8 years. While he was with me he wanted a vasectomy, with her he had 4 more kids. From what I have seen, he treats her far better than he ever treated me. I wasn’t worth the effort to him. I was 18 when I met him and naive. I had suspicions and saw it coming but tried to convince myself otherwise. I can’t be left for another woman again…. 

After we split up I stayed single for 4 years, then got involved with my husband. I met my husband about 2 years after my ex and I split up. He was night and day to my ex… I’m going to say was, because it was all a lie and a show… He was kind, caring, honest. He was patient for nearly a year while I pushed him away and pulled him back in again, before we got romantically involved. He said he didn’t mind waiting for me to trust him. We have always gotten along very well. We laugh, I thought we were in love, I was far happier with him than my ex. He does spontaneous, romantic gestures. I didn’t see it coming…. With my ex, it was always in the back of my mind and when the truth surfaced I was extremely hurt but I wouldn’t say I was surprised. With my husband… I thought he was perfect, and we were perfect. Never in a million years would I have thought this would happen…. 

He cheated for the first time almost immediately after our 2nd wedding anniversary, in January of this year. We had been TTC for over a year at that point (it took 14 months). I got pregnant in March, but he KEPT sleeping with other women until July… The last time was July 23, when I was out of town for that weekend. He promises he never brought those women to our house… the thought of it makes me want to burn the place down. He confessed 1 week after the last time he cheated. I wish it had been further in the past… 

He knew I was pregnant but kept sleeping with other women. I don’t understand how he could do that…. Every time he has touched my stomach or talked to the baby thinking back makes me feel disgusting. He kept having sex with me knowing the risks… He promises that he always used protection, but he has always shown that his promises mean nothing…. He chose to cheat on me over, and over and over again….  I’m due in December, I’m 22w2d right now. Which leaves only 18 weeks to sort out this mess… It took me years to recover from my ex’s damage. 

Everything that he does isn’t enough… He apologizes over and over and over and over. He tells me whatever I ask him. He has done whatever I’ve asked him. He’s done things that I haven’t asked him to, to try and help me trust him. I can’t do this…  I don’t know how people cope with this, whether they chose to stay or leave. I don’t know how I managed the first time around, and I don’t know how I will handle it the second time…


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hopefully, you've been tested for STD's?


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

HE doesn't get to call the shots about reconciliation. YOU do.

Do you want to reconcile? If you do, then you have to know everything AND he has to have REAL remorse.

Did he confess of he own volition or because he got caught/exposed? Caught/exposed is less likely to be true remorse....it's usually more like "sorry he got caught" rather than "sorry he did it". If he voluntarily confessed, MAYBE there is remorse. MAYBE.

The repeated cheating episodes would suggest that either something is very pathological about him, or pathological about your relationship. Either way, it whatever is broken needs to be fixed for ANY chance of a reconciliation.

And that is on top of everything else he has to do that is standard for every other cheating episode...full exposure, no contact, complete transparency, compliance with everything you require for healing, etc.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

navré said:


> My husband promised that no one other than the women he cheated with know. None of his friends or family. He said they weren’t married and meant nothing to him. He doesn’t contact them anymore and they were nothing more than sex (nothing emotional). I don’t want anyone to surface and tell me that they know about it or where part of it…. That would be a nightmare. I don’t want anyone in our lives to find out about this… it will make it harder to forget and makes me look bad too. I either A) Have no idea how to pick a good man and I’m a giant idiot who needs to live in a cave, or B) I’m such a ****ty partner that no man will want to be faithful to me. I don’t want our kids to find out about it… When my son figured out the timeline of his dad and I splitting up and his dad meeting his step-mom, he was extremely upset. I don’t want to go through that again…. Everything in my life just repeats… I don’t want to disappoint my son and fail him again…
> 
> My ex and I were together from 2003-2009, in those 6 years we never married or engaged. I wanted to but my ex had no interest in marrying me and always had an excuse not to. The woman he left me for was an ex girlfriend of his. For 3 years he had a long distance emotional affair with her that I was unaware of as he only talked to her while he was at work (through text and phone calls). For the last 3 months that we were together it developed into a physical affair and he left me for her. They married 8 months later and have been together for the last 8 years. While he was with me he wanted a vasectomy, with her he had 4 more kids. From what I have seen, he treats her far better than he ever treated me. I wasn’t worth the effort to him. I was 18 when I met him and naive. I had suspicions and saw it coming but tried to convince myself otherwise. I can’t be left for another woman again….
> 
> ...


Navre, you have to stop taking the blame for this. Your H is a disgusting POS who cheats on his pregnant wife, only men with no character do this. YOu should not hide this or cover for him, tell you family and friends, expose him, that is the only thing that will keep him in line. It is NOT your shame, it is his. People look down on men who do this to their pregnant wives.

You are doing the wrong thing by covering it up, cause I guarantee, the next time he is unhappy in the marriage, discontented, etc he will cheat, that is his default position and you cannot stop it. You are now acting like a doormat by taking the blame and letting him blame you. Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself and stop the 'oh woe is me' stuff.
You are to be the mother of a child, you have to protect that child, find that lioness within and fight back,do not let this POS beat you down, you do not need him.

1. Expose what he has done, make him accountable, he wants it kept secret so he appears to be the great man, blow up that ****
2. Tell him you have not made up your mind whether you want to stay with him or not, kick him out, ask for separation
3. Go see a lawyer, and see what you options are
4. Get STD tested ASAP and make ****ty WH go with you and explain to the doctor in front of him why you are there
5. Hold your head up girl, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, your WH has to eat humble pie for years to come

Sadly, I think he is going to cause you nothing but heartache, I think you should divorce him, he is a serial cheat and if he is doing this now so early in your marriage, what will he be like when you are married for 20 years. Think carefully.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think you need to_ immediately _get yourself into some serious personal therapy. NOT because you're a terrible partner, crazy, or any other thing your serial cheating husband might say to shift blame for his actions onto you. But, rather, because you need to work hard on building a healthier level of self-esteem. You need it. Your children need you to have it. 

Serial cheaters love people with low self-esteem. They're easier to gaslight and more willing to accept blame for things that aren't their fault. They tend to refuse to expose the cheater because they're afraid of anyone finding out they're the "bad partner" their cheating spouse says they are. They tend to be afraid to go to MC because they're afraid the counselor will verify that they're somehow even more to blame than their cheating spouse already has them believing they are. In other words, serial cheaters like people with low self-esteem because it's easier to keep cheating on them while also convincing them to keep quiet, try harder to please, and completely rug-sweep everything. Because serial cheaters don't want to be single or divorced. They want to stay married and keep looking like a "great person" to the outside world. They want to keep enjoying all the benefits of being married while also getting as much action as they like on the side. And that's just not something that anyone with healthy self-esteem will put up with.

Hence, OP, you need healthier self-esteem. A good therapist can help you with that.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

Every time I see a woman I wonder, was it her? This has resurfaced so much hurt that was left behind from my ex. My ex and I have reached a point that we are friendly with each other. It took years for the hate and hurt to stop every time I saw him. But now all those feelings are coming back. Today he is bringing my son back and I arranged for someone else to meet him because I don't want to see him. He didn't even do anything... I just can't deal with it... 

I haven't had an std test, I have an appointment with my ob tomorrow for a check up and to have an std test done. I was told to wait 3-4 weeks because of an incubation period? I don't know... I've never had an std. I have only slept with 2 men... I know I was clear of STDs back in May, but that doesn't mean squat now. I assume my ob ran an std test when I had all my bloodwork done, at least... But that was in May. 

My husband said this morning that we'll go to marriage counseling together. He doesn't think it's a good idea but will try it be for me. I probably should go back to personal counselling... I'm a mess apparently. I don't think he'd go by himself... Maybe if I ask him to. I haven't brought it up. 

All I think about all day is what he's doing... I'm on break right now and this is how I spend my time rather than relaxing...


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

navré said:


> Every time I see a woman I wonder, was it her?



He needs to tell you who all three of them were! Immediately! 

Not telling you is essentially asking you to continue being laughed at behind your back by women who know more about what he's been up to than you do. Not telling you so that you can protect yourself from these women is incredibly disrespectful to you. Because it leaves you doing exactly what you're doing - wondering if every woman you see is "her". It also means that you cannot verify that he's maintaining no-contact with all of them. That's _not_ okay. 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like your husband is doing a whole lot to show real remorse for hurting you. Cheaters - particularly those who are repeat offenders - that don't take the initiative to show real remorse and do everything in their power to foster real healing for their spouse and their marriage, aren't good candidates for an attempt at reconciliation. Because they aren't really sorry, aren't interested in changing to protect their betrayed spouse, and will do it again.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

Rowan said:


> navré said:
> 
> 
> > Every time I see a woman I wonder, was it her?
> ...


He won't tell me... He says that I will obsess over trying to find their Facebook profiles. He said he doesn't know their last names. He promised that I don't know them and that he didn't know them either... He said he met the first one at a bar that he went to when we were fighting. The other two he said he met online from a dating site.... He seeked them... He said he took down his profile and I couldn't find it anywhere... 

He told me about it though... Right? That has to be good for something...  he tried to have sex with me last night.... Of course I denied that... It hurts that he tried. And when I turned him down my first thought was that he'd go to someone else so I considered just doing it...


----------



## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

navré said:


> He won't tell me... He says that I will obsess over trying to find their Facebook profiles.


He won't tell you because he doesn't want you having eyes on any potential future communication with them. He also doesn't want you to expose if they have boyfriends/husbands. 

He's not doing it to prevent your obsessing. Don't let him pretend he's doing you any favors.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

navré said:


> He won't tell me... He says that I will obsess over trying to find their Facebook profiles. He said he doesn't know their last names. He promised that I don't know them and that he didn't know them either... He said he met the first one at a bar that he went to when we were fighting. The other two he said he met online from a dating site.... He seeked them... He said he took down his profile and I couldn't find it anywhere...
> 
> He told me about it though... Right? That has to be good for something...  he tried to have sex with me last night.... Of course I denied that... It hurts that he tried. And when I turned him down my first thought was that he'd go to someone else so I considered just doing it...


He is lying and knows exactly who they are and he needs to tell you. This should be a deal breaker for you. Yes it could be anybody and this is part of the problem for you as you stated, everyone you see you ask yourself is it her. He has no reason to protect them which is what he is doing and he is only doing it so he can keep his options open. 

He's playing you and playing on your fears. As hard as it is for you you can't let him do that. Also don't keep his secret. Expose to family, don't let his keep his false image of the great guy. The more you protect him the greater chance in the future he will hurt you again. No one will look at you like it's your fault, this is your own self esteem issue you need to work on. This is his disaster and he needs to clean it up and face the consequences. For goodness sake he cheated on a pregnant wife, nobody is going to think your at fault here or think any less of you, just the opposite will happen.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> You can't seriously be considering staying with this guy???
> 
> Forget about sex;he doesn't have any respect for you.
> 
> ...


He's my husband and I love him... :frown2: Maybe not right now... but I didn't see this coming and we were really happy. At least, I thought we were. Everything was perfect... then this happened. I don't know what to do... I don't want a divorce, I don't want to lose my family again, I don't want to fail again... 

We live in Canada, my husband has been working more shifts to save money because we planned on me taking 18 months off work. The first 12 are paid, the last 6 are not. We've been using his income for savings and mine for expenses, so leaving right now would leave me with a lot less in the bank than my husband. My monthly income covers all of our expenses so by the end of the month there isn't much left in my account, I don't know exactly what is in his as we rarely touch it. Until finances were sorted out it would be financially difficult. I don't even want to think about it.... I can't believe I'm in this position again...


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

Primrose said:


> He won't tell you because he doesn't want you having eyes on any potential future communication with them. He also doesn't want you to expose if they have boyfriends/husbands.
> 
> He's not doing it to prevent your obsessing. Don't let him pretend he's doing you any favors.


He said that he doesn't care about them and they meant nothing to him... so why would he care if this was exposed to their husbands? I've asked him 4 times if the women were married... the first time he said he didn't know, the second time he said one was married and the other two were not, the third time he said none were married and the last time he said he didn't know. When I asked him why it was changing he said because he honestly didn't know and wanted to give me the right answer... He didn't know what the right answer was and then felt bad for lying. He said it was just about sex and they didn't talk about personal life... 

He promised he doesn't contact them and never will again. He said he never had the first ones phone number and has no way to contact her... He said he deleted the other two numbers off his phone and doesn't remember them at all. He lets me see his phone and I see what texts he sends... Is there any chance he's genuine about his remorse and promise to never do it again...?


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

honcho said:


> He is lying and knows exactly who they are and he needs to tell you. This should be a deal breaker for you. Yes it could be anybody and this is part of the problem for you as you stated, everyone you see you ask yourself is it her. He has no reason to protect them which is what he is doing and he is only doing it so he can keep his options open.
> 
> He's playing you and playing on your fears. As hard as it is for you you can't let him do that. Also don't keep his secret. Expose to family, don't let his keep his false image of the great guy. The more you protect him the greater chance in the future he will hurt you again. No one will look at you like it's your fault, this is your own self esteem issue you need to work on. This is his disaster and he needs to clean it up and face the consequences. For goodness sake he cheated on a pregnant wife, nobody is going to think your at fault here or think any less of you, just the opposite will happen.


He said that he either didn't know their number or deleted it and had no other communication. He met two online but deleted his profile. He told me the site... But he won't tell me anything about them because he says it will upset me too much and it's better not to know the details... Maybe he's right... Maybe I just need to forget about this and move on. He wouldn't have told me if he wasn't remorseful... He hid it for 6.5 months he probably could have buried it... I wish he had... I don't want him to cheat again :crying: I want to go back to how we were and be happy... He won't have to cheat if I can be better... If I tell people I look stupid for having two partners who cheated, choosing bad men is on me... I don't want people to know because then it will never go away...


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel for you so much, because you are prepared to live with a serial cheater just because you are afraid of another divorce. He has already cheated with 3 different women who he sought out on dating sites. He will almost certainly cheat again because he clearly has no moral values, is this what you want? 
if it had been one lady on one occasion, then maybe he may be remorseful, but three? And when you were pregnant? NO way.
How can you trust a word he says???

It also makes me mad that you are blaming yourself. Can you hear yourself? "If I am better he won't have to cheat???" No one HAS to cheat, they CHOOSE to cheat. Good grief. He will cheat because it's absolutely NOTHING to do with you. I know several people who had the most lovely spouses and they STILL cheated because they have no integrity or decency. They care nothing for the promises they made or of being faithful. 
I am sad to say that you have married another lying cheat.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

navré said:


> He said that he either didn't know their number or deleted it and had no other communication. He met two online but deleted his profile. He told me the site... But he won't tell me anything about them because he says it will upset me too much and it's better not to know the details... Maybe he's right... Maybe I just need to forget about this and move on. He wouldn't have told me if he wasn't remorseful... He hid it for 6.5 months he probably could have buried it... I wish he had... I don't want him to cheat again :crying: I want to go back to how we were and be happy... He won't have to cheat if I can be better... If I tell people I look stupid for having two partners who cheated, choosing bad men is on me... I don't want people to know because then it will never go away...


No he is not right and he's trying to control how upset you are really. He is doing damage control right now for himself not you. He can't remember the phone numbers, look up his phone logs from a few months ago, you'll find them. The story keep changing, first one was married, then none we married etc etc. He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear instead of just the plain old simple truth. 

This is one of the issues, on the one hand you just want to forget but you can't and won't and the more pieces he keeps to himself the more you will question and it will haunt you. Yes he told you but I question why he told you and I doubt it was guilt. Most times they confess because they fear your going to find out a different way and they are trying to do damage control. If one of the ow husbands/boyfriends found out he may have feared being exposed. 

He could indeed be genuine in his guilt and that's why he confessed but then he needs to just get the full and complete truth out and quit the games. Many affairs are with coworkers or with people that are known, friends of friends something along those lines. The odds of 3 random strangers in a short time span just doesn't make sense unless he was paying them and they were "hired".


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I feel for you so much, because you are prepared to live with a serial cheater just because you are afraid of another divorce. He has already cheated with 3 different women who he sought out on dating sites. He will almost certainly cheat again because he clearly has no moral values, is this what you want?
> if it had been one lady on one occasion, then maybe he may be remorseful, but three? And when you were pregnant? NO way.
> How can you trust a word he says???
> 
> ...


I want my family intact... :crying: I don't want two failed families...  I don't want this baby to never have a chance at an intact family. I don't want to be _that_ woman who has kids with 50 different men, none of which who want her. I don't want my son to go through another separation, he's close to my husband and my husband has been a very good step-dad to him... My ex favours his other kids and it has become very evident to my son. I am completely unable to pick a good father figure for my son...  

I don't know what's worse... being cheated on for no reason or being cheated on with reason. My husband cheated for sex and stress relief. My ex cheated for "love". He married that woman and he's still with her, she was an ex and he always loved her. For 6 years I sat in their way... My husband... he just wanted to stick his **** somewhere... I just want to be good enough and worth it.

I cry all of the time...  Today while I was at work my husband wouldn't text me back. It drove me insane... He said it was because his phone was dead and the battery was charging, he had it charging in our bedroom and didn't want to lay down and text because he'd fall asleep... But I don't know how to trust him... He's going to go to work in about half an hour and I'll be up all night worrying and crying. He's at work, but he can still text or call other women, or who knows meet someone at work... I see all of the texts that he sends and calls that he makes, but I still worry... 

He cared enough to tell me about it and to answer some of the questions that I have... He cares enough to let me see his phone and computer whenever I want... Some people who cheat have to be remorseful...


----------



## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

So sorry you are in this most difficult situation, and that it has happened to you twice. You do not deserve it, and you are not to blame. Unfortunately, you married a heartless, ruthless man who has no regard for you. If he is blaming you, you can rest assured he is trying to manipulate you. He is a horrible person. A liar, a deceiver, a user. His actions speak so loudly, you should not hear a word he says.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

honcho said:


> No he is not right and he's trying to control how upset you are really. He is doing damage control right now for himself not you. He can't remember the phone numbers, look up his phone logs from a few months ago, you'll find them. The story keep changing, first one was married, then none we married etc etc. He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear instead of just the plain old simple truth.
> 
> This is one of the issues, on the one hand you just want to forget but you can't and won't and the more pieces he keeps to himself the more you will question and it will haunt you. Yes he told you but I question why he told you and I doubt it was guilt. Most times they confess because they fear your going to find out a different way and they are trying to do damage control. If one of the ow husbands/boyfriends found out he may have feared being exposed.
> 
> He could indeed be genuine in his guilt and that's why he confessed but then he needs to just get the full and complete truth out and quit the games. Many affairs are with coworkers or with people that are known, friends of friends something along those lines. The odds of 3 random strangers in a short time span just doesn't make sense unless he was paying them and they were "hired".


I don't know how to see his phone logs, we don't get paper bills anymore and they might not even show up if he hasn't contacted them in the last billing period. I can try to figure out how to get them... I wish I could just know for sure if he is telling me the truth or not. I want him to be...in the sense that I want to be able to trust him again. I don't know what I'll do if he has been hiding anything else or lying... I can't take anymore... 

I don't think he'd ever pay someone for sex... It's legal here... I think... but he has always said how disgusting it is, even just a "happy ending" massage. He said the women were just looking for sex... Could he have had actual relationships with them? He works nights, but he works with just one other man mostly. He's worked with that guy for years. When he's on-call he's around other co-workers, but they are all in the same area and they know he's married to me... 

I want to know if he told me because he wanted to and regrets what he did... or because someone else knows and he felt he had to tell me or was threatened to tell me... Wouldn't he have just lied about it though, if someone came out? He could have said they were lying, crazy, something... I want to believe he's telling the truth... it's bad enough as it is...


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

PLEASE go get tested for STDs. He's put your and your unborn child's health at risk. Why would you want to stay with someone who gambles with your health like that? 

He is a serial cheater. That is who he is. He had no care or concern for you when he stepped outside of the marriage THREE times. Remorse now is really too late. Maybe if he'd done it once and he was truly remorseful, but three times?


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

Satya said:


> PLEASE go get tested for STDs. He's put your and your unborn child's health at risk. Why would you want to stay with someone who gambles with your health like that?
> 
> He is a serial cheater. That is who he is. He had no care or concern for you when he stepped outside of the marriage THREE times. Remorse now is really too late. Maybe if he'd done it once and he was truly remorseful, but three times?


I'm going tomorrow to be tested. My OB wouldn't test sooner because of an incubation period. The last time he cheated was July 23 and I was told the results wouldn't be accurate immediately. I don't know what I'll do if it comes back positive for something... Especially something that will effect me and/or the baby, possibly forever... That would be unforgivable... I trusted him with everything and he just threw it away. 

Two of the women, he saw more than once... He said it was a "couple times" or a "few times" with each of the two. The first he only saw once... He promises that he used protection, but I know that he hates condoms and has always said that sex with condoms is pointless... I don't want someone to show up on our doorstep in 9 months saying he knocked them up...


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME....
you are not to blame
you are not to blame....

HOW MANY TIMES DO WE NEED TO TELL YOU? Look, even the worst bio tch and cun nt does not deserve to be cheated on. They deserve to be divorced. LOOK, you idolize your damn husband to the point that you BELIEVE you cause this, by neglect, by not paying enough attention, for TTC...no, you did not NEGLECT ANYTHING he did. he neglected to tell you that he was stressed. he neglected to tell you that you were not paying enough attention. HE NEGLECTED TO LEAVE YOU FIRST. Look...you keep making excuses for him. I suppose its because you must have felt lucky to get him in the first place? Does he make good money, look sexy? what made him such a prize? because honey....you dont seem to have any promising opinion of yourself. YOUR SELF ESTEEM is tanked....and i cant understand right now. not enough information. 

this is not your fault. You may havea bad picker... i DONT KNOW. but this is on HIM. NOT YOU. 

Being the worst wife in the world DOES NOT GIVE LICENSE TO CHEAT. we get stories in here where murder happens because of affairs. Him running around on you risks your life, (bunny boiler) crazy other woman, or STD. your child could die in complications....CHEATING IS A SELFISH SELF MOTIVATED ACT. and it is vile. evil....and until you grasp that YOUR MARRIAGE IS DOOMED. YOUR FUTURE IS TERRIBLE. YOU WILL NEVER FEEL SAFE. NEVER FEEL ADEQUATE. NEVER. 

if you want a healthy future you need to quit blaming yourself. becasue that is a NON ISSUE. focus on the real issue. BURYING YOUR HEAD IN THAT SAND KILLS YOU. Find out who she is. you deserve to know. the not knowing will drive you mad. IT WILL HURT. 

Come on honey. you dont deserve this. you never did. Please read all our stories here. even some over at Survivinginfidelity.com (I am not a member there but they have many other stories to read on.) Keep talking to us.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

threelittlestars said:


> YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME....
> you are not to blame
> you are not to blame....
> 
> ...


If it's not my fault and I didn't do anything wrong, then I have to accept that my husband is a terrible man and he's who I chose. Chose to marry, chose to be a step-father to my son, chose to father my second child, chose to let into my life. He's who I deemed worthy... I'm a ****ing idiot. Smart people don't get cheated on in two relationships/marriage. 

I have always felt lucky to have him. He was night and day to my ex, at least I thought he was. He was perfect... Everything that I wanted I had with him. We didn't fight, we wanted the same things, he was nice, kind, caring, funny. He always cared about what was on my mind. He was amazing at making me feel better and always knew the right things to say. He was genuinely interested in my day and how I was feeling. He'd go out of his way to make me happy. He often did small romantic gestures that meant the world to me. He has been a very good step-dad to my son and a better father figure than my ex. He is attractive and amazing at his job, and yes that is something that drew me to him, but that isn't the only thing I liked about him... Overall he was as close to perfect as a human gets, or so it seemed...  

I miss what we had, and I know we will never get it back to where it was... :crying: He's at work for the night and all I can think about is what he's doing, even though he shouldn't be able to do anything he shouldn't...


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

navré said:


> If it's not my fault and I didn't do anything wrong, then I have to accept that my husband is a terrible man and he's who I chose. Chose to marry, chose to be a step-father to my son, chose to father my second child, chose to let into my life. He's who I deemed worthy... I'm a ****ing idiot. Smart people don't get cheated on in two relationships/marriage.
> 
> I have always felt lucky to have him. He was night and day to my ex, at least I thought he was. He was perfect... Everything that I wanted I had with him. We didn't fight, we wanted the same things, he was nice, kind, caring, funny. He always cared about what was on my mind. He was amazing at making me feel better and always knew the right things to say. He was genuinely interested in my day and how I was feeling. He'd go out of his way to make me happy. He often did small romantic gestures that meant the world to me. He has been a very good step-dad to my son and a better father figure than my ex. He is attractive and amazing at his job, and yes that is something that drew me to him, but that isn't the only thing I liked about him... Overall he was as close to perfect as a human gets, or so it seemed...
> 
> I miss what we had, and I know we will never get it back to where it was... :crying: He's at work for the night and all I can think about is what he's doing, even though he shouldn't be able to do anything he shouldn't...


Look....I too idolized my husband. he disappointed me. I was angry at him however...not myself. I was human and made mistakes, but i was the best wife i knew how to be. But we learn as we go. we chose to grow together. You may have made mistakes in marriage, but thats what a dialog is for. That is what discussion is for. He didn't discuss with you. He is selfish, and has poor coping skills. Yes you picked a dud...you can divorce, or reconcile, but to reconcile does not equate rug sweeping, (pretending life is fine and moving on) or blameshifting all this onto yourself. YOU ARE SABOTAGING yourself with this thought process. You rather see yourself as dumb than him as wrong. That is so backwards.... You trusted your husband, that is what you do when you marry someone. Its not YOUR fault when they betray you....its theirs. If you take this blame, he will cheat again....HE WILL, becuase he can just say, its oh...the baby keeps me up at night, and I just cant seem to make good decisions becuase you dont take care of everything enough...your not perfect enough to stay faithful too. DO YOU HEAR/READ HOW NUTS THAT SOUNDS? because if you keep owning the blame in this he will take advantage of you until you are a shell of your former self. How convienenient for him to say its all your fault. He is just dandy if only you had been 100%. 

Please ponder this. Ponder motivation.... He blames you because he is in denial himself. He may be lying to you as much as he is to himself. Cheaters rationalize their cheating. Mine did. He blamed me for crazy ****. He now thinks of his past actions as so shameful he had to make it my fault. Because he could not let his mind imagine he was a ****...no, it was my damn fault. 

Again, no it wasn't. He didnt talk to me about it. He didnt respect me enough. And I TOO WAS PREGNANT while he cheated. A baby we chose to have at the same time he had a mistress. Had i found out while i was pregnant i cant imagine what i would have done. I would not have had my child. Thankfully I found out six months after he was born and could not imagine my life without him. He is perfect.... From an imperfect relationship. I have my sadness and regrets, but that baby boy is amazing. Luck was on my side, because I went absolutely mental the six months after i found out. 

I am in reconciliation. I am almost three years post d-day. Its been bumpy but it would have been impossible if i blamed myself. If you want to remain married, go see a counselor. you need it, because you cant keep blaming yourself. Forget MC for now. Go see one for YOU. You and him are not ready for MC, and frankly....he does not deserve the opportunity YET.


And....lastly he concealed his actions. HE HID THEM FROM YOU. its not like you married him knowing he is a cheater, and SMART WOMEN AROUND THE WORLD do chose cheaters sometimes more than TWICE! its not your fault you gave someone a chance. That is a good thing. it means you are a NORMAL human....he however is NOT normal. Cheating is not right in a committed relationship and HE is the one who stepped out. And he HID it from you. That does not make you stupid, that makes HIM STUPID...he does not even realize how he has imploded all of your lives. This honey...this is on him.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

navré said:


> If it's not my fault and I didn't do anything wrong, then I have to accept that my husband is a terrible man and he's who I chose. Chose to marry, chose to be a step-father to my son, chose to father my second child, chose to let into my life. He's who I deemed worthy... I'm a ****ing idiot. Smart people don't get cheated on in two relationships/marriage.
> ...


Uhmm hun, join the club. 

Pretty much every woman who posts on this board has married a man she thought was great and turned out to be a grade A turd in one way or another. 

Pretty much every man writing on this forum has been in your shoes from the male perspective as well. 

We all make poor choices because we are HUMAN. How can we make good choices until we know what's bad? The sad part is that you always lose a piece of yourself and your sanity in the learning process. Someone innocent gets hurt. That's the way life goes, but you CAN assert a better future for yourself with the knowledge you've gained and WILL continue to gain.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

Satya said:


> Uhmm hun, join the club.
> 
> Pretty much every woman who posts on this board has married a man she thought was great and turned out to be a grade A turd in one way or another.
> 
> ...


How many make the exact same mistake twice? I didn't feel this badly about myself the first time around. My ex sure as **** tried to blame it all on me, and I believed a lot of it, but I still didn't feel this badly. There was no part of me that really wanted to reconcile with my ex, not that he ever made it an option. I thought about it sometimes, but at the end of the day I was done. But we were not really that happy anyway. I was happy with my husband... 

Yes we are all human and we all make mistakes, but I shouldn't have had to make the same mistake twice, nearly 8 years apart with two different men. After my ex and I split up I went to therapy and stayed single for 4 years. I thought working on myself and taking time to be single would help and stop this from happening again. I can't handle this happening over and over just to "grow". If anything this just destroyed any progress I made after the first round.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

threelittlestars said:


> Look....I too idolized my husband. he disappointed me. I was angry at him however...not myself. I was human and made mistakes, but i was the best wife i knew how to be. But we learn as we go. we chose to grow together. You may have made mistakes in marriage, but thats what a dialog is for. That is what discussion is for. He didn't discuss with you. He is selfish, and has poor coping skills. Yes you picked a dud...you can divorce, or reconcile, but to reconcile does not equate rug sweeping, (pretending life is fine and moving on) or blameshifting all this onto yourself. YOU ARE SABOTAGING yourself with this thought process. You rather see yourself as dumb than him as wrong. That is so backwards.... You trusted your husband, that is what you do when you marry someone. Its not YOUR fault when they betray you....its theirs. If you take this blame, he will cheat again....HE WILL, becuase he can just say, its oh...the baby keeps me up at night, and I just cant seem to make good decisions becuase you dont take care of everything enough...your not perfect enough to stay faithful too. DO YOU HEAR/READ HOW NUTS THAT SOUNDS? because if you keep owning the blame in this he will take advantage of you until you are a shell of your former self. How convienenient for him to say its all your fault. He is just dandy if only you had been 100%.
> 
> Please ponder this. Ponder motivation.... He blames you because he is in denial himself. He may be lying to you as much as he is to himself. Cheaters rationalize their cheating. Mine did. He blamed me for crazy ****. He now thinks of his past actions as so shameful he had to make it my fault. Because he could not let his mind imagine he was a ****...no, it was my damn fault.
> 
> ...


I know that he made mistakes, bigger than mine. If we're all human and all make mistakes then shouldn't I try and forgive him and move on? For our marriage, and our family, and the vows that we took - for better or worse. He also vowed to remain faithful, but shouldn't we try? 

After having actually slept decently well last night, which is very surprising, the first thought I had when I woke up was that I want to reconcile. And that is still what is on my mind. 

I know that he shouldn't be blaming me so much. He chose to cheat rather than just talk about the problems. Maybe he's in denial and has to deal with that. I hate him...but I love him. He has never cheated before, if what he says is true, so he wouldn't really have lied about himself before I married him... He said he didn't think he would ever cheat.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

navré said:


> How many make the exact same mistake twice? I didn't feel this badly about myself the first time around. My ex sure as **** tried to blame it all on me, and I believed a lot of it, but I still didn't feel this badly. There was no part of me that really wanted to reconcile with my ex, not that he ever made it an option. I thought about it sometimes, but at the end of the day I was done. But we were not really that happy anyway. I was happy with my husband...
> 
> Yes we are all human and we all make mistakes, but I shouldn't have had to make the same mistake twice, nearly 8 years apart with two different men. After my ex and I split up I went to therapy and stayed single for 4 years. I thought working on myself and taking time to be single would help and stop this from happening again. I can't handle this happening over and over just to "grow". If anything this just destroyed any progress I made after the first round.


I understand how down on yourself you feel at this moment. I married a man who decided after 13 years to become a woman. How bloody stupid do you think I felt back then? I can't begin to describe the feelings, mainly because I don't wish to insult anyone who is pro transgender or something like that. The trans thing has nothing to do with how I felt. I was betrayed, lied to, and tricked. I tried my hardest to be a good wife, while I was emotionally abused for all that time. My ex H was cruel when he wanted to be, but we didn't have a bad life.

Well,after divorcing, I healed, then dated a great guy for 8 months. Although he was much nicer than my ex, he lied to me as well and made me believe he wanted a family when really he didn't want to grow up yet. Again, I felt a fool. Shouldn't I have learned the first time, too? No... I forgive myself for my poor or unwise choices.

They led me to the wisest choice in marrying my now husband. 

Stop being so hard on yourself.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm not going to be the 56th person on this thread to tell you to stop eating at the **** Sandwich Cafe because it's just page after page after page of you defending his **** behavior and wallowing in self pity claiming it's all *your* fault while poster after poster tries to tell you it isn't.

If that's where you want to eat, then be my guest.

However, I just wanted to bring up something else you need to consider - and that's the fact that his salary has been being squirreled away into a savings account that *you* know very little about and which only HE administers. You say it's being saved for extra maternity leave for you in the future when only he'll be working. So you've both been living off of YOUR salary - which pretty much gets depleted each month to cover expenses - while Mr. Wonderful's entire salary is put into his savings account that you really have no access to and don't even know what the balance is. So while *your *bank account is pretty much always hovering at zero, his is getting fatter and fatter every single month.

*



We live in Canada, my husband has been working more shifts to save money because we planned on me taking 18 months off work. The first 12 are paid, the last 6 are not. We've been using his income for savings and mine for expenses, so leaving right now would leave me with a lot less in the bank than my husband. My monthly income covers all of our expenses so by the end of the month there isn't much left in my account, I don't know exactly what is in his as we rarely touch it.

Click to expand...

*I know you mistakenly think he's the best thing since sliced bread (and look where THAT opinion has gotten you so far) but I would be VERY concerned that his intentions with this money aren't what you think they are. I smell a rat.

He's shown you, *numerous times*, that he's NOT trustworthy and you refuse to see it. Unfortunately, the time will come when you'll have no choice but to see it.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm not going to be the 56th person on this thread to tell you to stop eating at the **** Sandwich Cafe because it's just page after page after page of you defending his **** behavior and wallowing in self pity claiming it's all *your* fault while poster after poster tries to tell you it isn't.
> 
> If that's where you want to eat, then be my guest.
> 
> ...


I know approximately what he should have in his account. It's not like he totally hides it from me... I use his card sometimes if I can't find mine or don't have it on me. I could probably figure out his bank login info. He always uses the same passwords. If I ask him to show me his account I'm sure he would... He's not going to run off with all his savings and leave me screwed... We could switch it up and start using his account. We were only using mine because he doesn't know how to do payments and transfers, I've always kept track of it. He thought it would be easier to use mine.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

This money needs to be in YOUR account and directly deposited in a JOINTLY ACCESSED savings account. Yep....I smell a rat too. 

Hon....we have seen this all before. and YES PLENTY do this twice, get two cheaters three cheaters some never meet a faithful guy. Men can be pigs....but so can women too. 

You think he is human he made a mistake...a drunken ONS is a mistake...but a repeat? three woman? THATS A ****IN CHOICE....no forgivness without proper restitution.


----------



## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

threelittlestars said:


> This money needs to be in YOUR account and directly deposited in a JOINTLY ACCESSED savings account. Yep....I smell a rat too.
> 
> Hon....we have seen this all before. and YES PLENTY do this twice, get two cheaters three cheaters some never meet a faithful guy. Men can be pigs....but so can women too.
> 
> You think he is human he made a mistake...a drunken ONS is a mistake...but a repeat? three woman? THATS A ****IN CHOICE....no forgivness without proper restitution.


Three women. Multiple times with two of them.

No, there is no remorse. My bets are that none of them wanted anything further from him and they threatened to tell you about his indiscretions if he didn't drop contact. That's probably why he came clean.

Tell me again why you feel you do not deserve better? Do you want your son to grow up to be like him? If you're carrying a daughter, do you want her to marry someone like him? Would you tell her she needs to stay and work it out with a man who has cheated numerous times with multiple women? Would you let her believe that she somehow deserves this? That she can do no better.

No.

So why are you telling yourself these things?


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

navré said:


> How many make the exact same mistake twice? I didn't feel this badly about myself the first time around. My ex sure as **** tried to blame it all on me, and I believed a lot of it, but I still didn't feel this badly. There was no part of me that really wanted to reconcile with my ex, not that he ever made it an option. I thought about it sometimes, but at the end of the day I was done. But we were not really that happy anyway. I was happy with my husband...
> 
> Yes we are all human and we all make mistakes, but I shouldn't have had to make the same mistake twice, nearly 8 years apart with two different men. After my ex and I split up I went to therapy and stayed single for 4 years. I thought working on myself and taking time to be single would help and stop this from happening again. I can't handle this happening over and over just to "grow". If anything this just destroyed any progress I made after the first round.


A good friend of mine first wife cheated, he divorced, married number 2, she cheated and they divorced. Had a long term girlfriend who cheated on him between marriage 2 and 3 and marriage 3 was ex wife number 2 and guess what 2 years in she cheated again and they divorced.....again. 

When you get to 4 or 5 people will start to question your sanity > quit beating yourself up about 2.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Yeah, i second that you are not at the point of questioning sanity, HE IS however. 

i can go like a record on repeat if i must. But please stop beating yourself up. he is the *******. You just really dont want to see him that way because then you think you must leave. You dont need to leave, but you DAMN WELL NEED TO cut yourself some slack and stand up for yourself. YOU ARE WORTH WAY MORE. 

Reconciliation does not work when the BS blames themself. You are not acting mentally healthy right now and i really think YOU MUST go to a counselor. Someone or somthing happened to you to make you now feel like this is somehow your fault. its not, it will never be YOUR FAULT. the fault lies squarely on his shoulders and DAMN him for letting you think this way.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

navré said:


> I was neglecting our marriage and drove him away... He made the choice to cheat but I obviously didn't help at all. I didn't even notice... He doesn't want to cheat again and feels terrible for doing it. He has said he won't do it again but he promised when we married that he would always be faithful. I have a hard time trusting him after the trust was blown to smithereens. He has suggested marriage counselling but said he doesn't know how much it will help. He doesn't want a therapist to make our problems worse by overtalking it. We have to move on...


Oh my goodness. Hugs to you. You did not drive him away. That is a lie he is telling you to remove the blame from his heart. He is a cad. You should not trust him. If you want to stay with him, it is on him to build trust, not on you. Trying to trust someone who is a proven liar and cheat is foolish. Being a liar and cheat and turning one's life around is a big job, but that's what he's looking at if you are ever to trust him again.

Do not let him put this off on you. It is not your fault. 

Of course he doesn't want to talk much about it, as the light of responsibility will shine on him and that is uncomfortable, especially when he's got you believing this is mostly your fault.


----------



## navré (Aug 13, 2017)

My husband agreed to go to MC. He said whatever I want him to do he will do it. Is there anything that I should ask him to do? He's going to do marriage counseling and already gives me full access to his phone and computer. 

I told my husband that I want to start using his account for expenses and let mine start saving. I also said that I want to join our accounts rather than having them at separate banks. He said okay, but he didn't seem totally on board. He tried to talk me out of it for reasons that didn't make sense. When he tried to login to online banking his password kept coming up as wrong. He tried to reset it and "never" got the email. It just seems sketchy... I have this sick feeling in my stomach that I can't shake. He said he was going to go in to the bank or call and they'd fix it... 

To be fair my password wasn't working either but he knows mine and could have changed it... I don't want to think like that but that's where my mind is going... I don't think he'd go that far... And for what reason? But that's where my mind wanders. 

He wants to fix the marriage. I want to trust him that he's being honest and genuine. If I look for reasons not to trust him I could find them... Anyone could with anyone. I want to try...


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

I say you first fix the bank situation and make sure you have access to all the money. You need to supervise that.

Perhaps you could have him sign a post nup agreement with an infidelity clause. Show him you mean business and will not allow him to control the situation. He should be bending over backwards to please you and show you he is serious. As long as you are letting him be in control he will have power over you. People shape up when they see that their spouse is ready to walk away, that they really are. That is what happened in my case. My husband woke up from his fantasy when he saw me take control and take steps to protect myself and the kids.

I also want to reconcile and trust my husband and all that, but I am also aware that this trust must be earned. Words are not enough. Gestures are not the same as continuing with trustworthy behaviour. Don't fall for words and nice gestures just because you want to believe them. I am facing the same task. It is not easy but we must be strong and vigilant.

Hugs.


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

"He didn't seem totally on board". NOT GOOD!!!

"He tried to talk me out of it for reasons that didn't make sense". NOT GOOD!!!

"When he tried to log in to banking, password didn't work" 

REALLY NOT GOOD!!!

Just my opinion ...


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Let me get this straight... You tried to log in too? Could he have changed YOUR password? 

Yes your mind is going to dark place....Good. Means that you damn well wont allow yourself to be hoodwinked. Not again at least. 

I recommend you going to the bank WITH HIM....don't allow him any room to put one over you. This is not good at all that he is not desiring to bring your finances together. I smell a very dirty rat. 

The tone of your last post sounds promising. I hope you emotionally are doing better. You are off to a better start. You got this.

Edit to add about the trust.... HE IS WAVING RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE. if you dont look for these things you are denying the waving red flag.... and with how hard you were with yourself on this thread you need to keep looking. You feel like a fool....dont forget HE MADE YOU FEEL LIKE A FOOL. you arent...but thats not the point.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

navré said:


> My husband agreed to go to MC. He said whatever I want him to do he will do it. Is there anything that I should ask him to do? He's going to do marriage counseling and already gives me full access to his phone and computer.
> 
> I told my husband that I want to start using his account for expenses and let mine start saving. I also said that I want to join our accounts rather than having them at separate banks. He said okay, but he didn't seem totally on board. He tried to talk me out of it for reasons that didn't make sense. When he tried to login to online banking his password kept coming up as wrong. He tried to reset it and "never" got the email. It just seems sketchy... I have this sick feeling in my stomach that I can't shake. He said he was going to go in to the bank or call and they'd fix it...
> 
> ...



He has cheated, not once but many times. Do NOT trust a word coming from his mouth. He is acting shady about the money too. You hold the power now, USE it, stop shirking away, tell him right up that his behaviour is shady and if he wants to reconcile, then he better act more transparently, because as it is, you have nothing to lose and are prepared to walk away. Pull him up on his reasons, don't come online here and say they didn't make sense, tell him straight up! 

If he can cheat, he can do anything. For all you know, he is taking care of another woman! 

He only wants to fix the marriage, so he can get his ducks in a row. You do not have to trust him at all, that would come from time and his ACTIONS. So far there have been no actions, only shady talk!

Go and see a lawyer to see what your options are and stop being suckered into his sweet talk. Copy all the bank account numbers, etc and pass to your lawyer.

STOP BEING A DOORMAT! He messed up, he has to do the work, he has only talked nothing else. MC, well wait till you get there. Get your ducks in a row, you can file and still withdraw, but let your WH know now that you mean business and stop giving away your power! Your default position should be divorce, he has to change that position by SHOWING you he will do anything to keep you. He has not done that, he has 'talked'.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

So....its been a few days. Updates? Are you alright? 

Talk to us please.


----------

