# When they ask for another chance.........



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

This is just a thought for the day sorta thing. If they ask for another chance after their affair has ended.....Isn't "marriage" only a single chance with no others after it. Shouldn't it be that way?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

It's up to their spouse. Whether to forgive, or not forgive.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

That's like finding a needle in a hay stack. Most wondering spouses never look back. The ones that do will not follow through on their thoughts and just dismiss them and keep moving on. Don't let the romantic in you lead your heart into that trap. Nip it in the bud.

Just my two cents worth and experience shooting out advice.

Bibi


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Augusto said:


> This is just a thought for the day sorta thing. If they ask for another chance after their affair has ended.....Isn't "marriage" only a single chance with no others after it. Shouldn't it be that way?


If you are asking me my opinion or what I would do, the answer is that there are no second chances after a physical affair. In the remote possibility that I were to agree to a second chance, I'd need to get something of value for that leap of faith; something to level the playing field. If not, it's a non starter for me. But, everyone isn't like me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

All depends on when they ask for the 2nd chance.

If you offer them a 2nd chance and they take it, then I say yes, take the risk and see if R is possible.

If they come crawling back after getting thrown under the bus and turning down your offer initial offer of R, IMO they're SOL and can go pound sand. Who the hell wants to be the 2nd place runner up in that race, F that.

But, everyone is different. Some will give, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th chances no matter what because it's the right thing to do and they took vows, kids, finances or whatever. Others simply just turn their backs and pretend that person never existed. And then everyone else is lumped somewhere in the middle between one or the other extreme.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

There isn't a right or wrong answer to that question, so I can only speak for myself. Even though we had discussed conditions for R, I didn't really give my XW a second chance and the more I've thought about it the more I'm sure I made the right decision. If you are married to someone that cheats on you, lies to you, and generally doesn't have your back why would you want to stay married to them?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I was in that situation and when I was asked my answer was simply no..... No argument no going on about all the wrong she had done, just no

I am willing to forgive a lot of things but an affair is never going to be one of them. You break your vows to me and we are done.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Augusto said:


> This is just a thought for the day sorta thing. If they ask for another chance after their affair has ended.....Isn't "marriage" only a single chance with no others after it. Shouldn't it be that way?



I would say forgive and give them one more chance.

If the affair wasn't planned and an accident, forgive. 

If the affair was planned and not an accident, move on.

Was the cheating spouse neglected and starved in some manner? This went on for years, the other spouse knew and still did pretty much nothing? No surprise then.

But if that's not the case, I say forgive and give them another chance. But after that, move on.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> If you are asking me my opinion or what I would do, the answer is that there are no second chances after a physical affair. In the remote possibility that I were to agree to a second chance, I'd need to get something of value for that leap of faith; something to level the playing field. If not, it's a non starter for me. But, everyone isn't like me.



Those are my thoughts exactly, so at least two of us are alike.

I heard this line in a movie and it sort of hit home with me;

"Some people say "Forgive and Forget". I say - Forget about forgiving - just accept and move on."


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Up to the BS, but that depends on whether the WS genuinely wants a second chance. But how do you know they're genuine? On another thread, Bandit and I and a few others were discussing one of the epic sagas over at SI about a WW/BH combo. BH offered an olive branch, but was in a false R as the WW was still in the affair. 

You can give the second chance, but its a risk as to whether the WS is genuine. Even if they are, how do you know that 5, 10 years down the road they don't do it again? Its a risk to give swcond chances. Sadly here and at SI we see people give 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th chances. 

I won't paint with a broad brush. We have seen WS that seem to genuinely repent and work towards a genuine R. Of course, at the end of the day we just don't know. Neither does the BS. Risk taking again.

A long time ago, there was a poster who made a comment that I'll always remember, I think it was MEM or Halien. I don't recall it word for word, but it was essentially: there is no greater sign that a spouse no longer desires to be married when they choose to have an affair. I tend to agree with that, and any begging or pleading after being caught is nonsense. Afterall, actions speak louder than words.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> I would say forgive and give them one more chance.
> 
> If the affair wasn't planned and an accident, forgive.
> 
> ...


I agree that there are affairs that result from bad marriages. Still wrong, absolutely, but I can atleast understand how it got there.

However, I disagree with the first statement. An affair is NOT an accident.


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> I would say forgive and give them one more chance.
> 
> If the affair wasn't planned and *an accident*, forgive.
> 
> ...


Sometime the WS is not actively looking to have an affair, but the act of having one is never an accident. Agree with @WhipMorgan on that 100 percent. It is a conscious and deliberate choice. 

Also, I totally agree with what @Bananapeel said -- why stay married to someone who cheated on you, lied to you, and generally did not have your back. 

I am a BW allegedly in R. What I struggle with the most is that my FWH has not always had my back. He deliberately lied to me to conceal an EA. Even "just" an EA, the fact that he betrayed me like that stings more now, nearly three years later, than in the couple years after the incident.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I would say forgive and give them one more chance.
> 
> If the affair wasn't planned and an accident, forgive.


Question for you CuddleBug, and I'm not trying to be nasty here, just trying to make a point.

How is putting your penis in another human being an accident? How was it not intentional? Was my wife walking down the street and some guy tripped, fell on her and his penis went in her? That would be an accident, just like wrecking the car or forgetting to pay a bill. When you are exchanging body fluids, there is no such thing as an accident.

Even a ONS after a few drinks in a bar is an intentional act designed to make the wayward feel good and hurt the spouse. It requires at least some degree of forethought; Pure and simple.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> Question for you CuddleBug, and I'm not trying to be nasty here, just trying to make a point.
> 
> How is putting your penis in another human being an accident? How was it not intentional? Was my wife walking down the street and some guy tripped, fell on her and his penis went in her? That would be an accident, just like wrecking the car or forgetting to pay a bill. When you are exchanging body fluids, there is no such thing as an accident.
> 
> Even a ONS after a few drinks in a bar is an intentional act designed to make the wayward feel good and hurt the spouse. It requires at least some degree of forethought; Pure and simple.


Maybe accident wasn't the right word? Maybe unplanned and regretted. If my XW got drunk and had sex one time with the OM, came clean to me right away, and truly regretted her behavior I would have been able to move on as long as we established boundaries to prevent a future recurrence. Basically, what was the action, what was the intent, and how was it handled afterwards can make a huge difference in the repercussions. Of course, this in no way condones the behavior.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You planned to go out, you planned to stay, your inhibitions went away and so did your marriage. All that tells me is you've wanted some strange and the drinking took away your inhibitions.

Not saying you are wrong because we all feel differently, but I can't excuse a drunken or drugged one night stand. No, I am not talking rape or sexual assault. I'm talking you were coherent enough to have sex, use a condom, get undressed, go home with the person, but you were to drunk to stop cheating and give me a call? Drunk? For me, nope.

These are all examples from TAM and personal life.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> If the affair wasn't planned and an accident, forgive.


I'll bite.. so at what point does an affair stop being an accident and planned?

It's not like a wet floor..oops she/he slipped and fell on his/her ....

At some point you know you're headed into dangerous territory, still lots of outs possible leading up to consummation so then is everything from that point on and after that still an accident and unplanned?

You see how your statement doesn't make sense?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You planned to go out, you planned to stay, your inhibitions went away and so did your marriage. All that tells me is you've wanted some strange and the drinking took away your inhibitions.
> 
> Not saying you are wrong because we all feel differently, but I can't excuse a drunken or drugged one night stand. No, I am not talking rape or sexual assault. I'm talking you were coherent enough to have sex, *use a condom*, get undressed, go home with the person, but you were to drunk to stop cheating and give me a call? Drunk? For me, nope.
> 
> These are all examples from TAM and personal life.


LOL. Yeah, right.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Augusto said:


> This is just a thought for the day sorta thing. If they ask for another chance after their affair has ended.....Isn't "marriage" only a single chance with no others after it. Shouldn't it be that way?


It depends on the individual circumstances.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

When the subject, "Would you forgive adultery?" is raised you can usually spot the BS in the room! When I was young. When I was innocent. BEFORE. I would, like most assertively say "Hell No!". 

Why would any self-respecting human being allow themselves to be treated with such contempt by the one person in the world who's supposed to always be there? 

Truth is, when THAT moment hits, reality vanishes. It's pure shock. Drowning in pain. Panic attacks. The ground drops away. I was lost, completely broken. I lost my past, my present & future in one moment. Everything I believed in, my faith, my FAMILY was stolen from me. I compare it to the pope dying & walking up to the pearly gates only to be greated by Buddha saying "Wow! You got it so wrong dude!". 

I had to live it to truly know it. I think we all do. All I know is 'Never say never!', you never know...


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm with you, BL.

My ex cheated, lied to me repeatedly about it, rushed me through a divorce so he could be with the OW, and just the other day tells me he doesn't think things are going to work out between the two of them because she's emotionally immature and unstable. Sucks to be him, I guess. Now he can be alone for a while, too, just like he's sentenced me to. Karma's a b!tch, ain't it?

Would I have taken him back if he ended the affair when I found out about it, or better yet, before then, and came to me with sincere remorse and regret, and the willingness to go to MC with me? I certainly would have considered it, especially since we have a son. But now, and just because things with his skank GF didn't work out? Aw, Hell, no.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Some people will and some people won't. "Never say never" is no more or less accurate than "everyone deserves a second chance." It all depends on personal preference. I'll say "never" and if I am a hypocrite later oh well. There are many more things I have said "never" to and quite a few decades later it still holds true.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think each person can only come to a conclusion on this. In theory I would like to say , no, there should be no chances but we must remember we are flawed beings, some are more flawed than others.
Circumstances will also dictate whether there is a second chance, age of the kids, the financial status of the couple, the nature of the infidelity (6 months affair v ONS), the state of the marriage prior, etc. 

However, in my opinion there should never be a third chance.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

R should stand for Risk -- because it is. Maybe your spouse will never cheat again. Maybe they will. It could take a very long time to find out whether they will (in my case, 30 years between DD1 and DD2 -- with the same woman). 

My ex-husband begged for another chance both times. The first time I listened. The second time I didn't.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Augusto,

How are you doing. Did you stay with your WW?

Your story was horrible. Hard to forget that she wished you dead and photoshopped OM into you wedding photo.

But afterwards she was trying hard. Still, one of the worst betrayals.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

OMG! Just OMG!!

"photoshopped OM into your wedding photo."

I know the 'Affair Fog' does some unbelievably weird things to people but that's so adolescent. So hurtful. Pathetic. OMG!

Why do otherwise sane, decent human beings turn into these monsters? I know there are psychological explanations that talk about brain chemistry etc. but the level of insanity is simply mind boggling!

It's so much more than trying to recover from the betrayal & lies. Trying to regain respect for a person we thought we knew so well is another thing. Even after I've wrapped my head around the pain I'm still left with the almost comical (if it didn't hurt so much) adolescent nonsense that went on! OMG!!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

BrokenLady said:


> OMG! Just OMG!!
> *
> "photoshopped OM into your wedding photo."* :surprise:
> 
> ...



That is the thing about cheating it is more than just the sex it is the unbridled cruelty that many WSs exibit all in the pursuit of some strange and an ego boost. They lie, cheat, destroy all in the name of pleasure. You are right it is both adolescent and pathetic. They are like drunk teenagers with mommy and daddy's car keys. 

They leave such permanent devastation that no amount of tears, apologizing and begging can ever completely fix what they have broken. They have changed the BS forever - dimmed their outlook on relationships and other people. Many just skip off into the sunset ready to do more damage in their next relationship. That is why it is VITAL but oh so difficult for the BS to realize their spouses affair is about their spouse and not them. They cope with problems either within themselves or in their life by [email protected]#$%^& someone else for ego kibbles. Sad.


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

BrokenLady said:


> When the subject, "Would you forgive adultery?" is raised you can usually spot the BS in the room! When I was young. When I was innocent. BEFORE. I would, like most assertively say "Hell No!".
> 
> Why would any self-respecting human being allow themselves to be treated with such contempt by the one person in the world who's supposed to always be there?
> 
> ...


Spot on, BrokenLady. That's EXACTLY how I felt. During pre-marital sessions at my church before we got married, we both responded that cheating would be a deal breaker. Fast forward 10 years, it happens to me, we have a kid, and smack, I can't make heads or tails of the world or anything I once had faith in.


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That is the thing about cheating it is more than just the sex it is the unbridled cruelty that many WSs exibit all in the pursuit of some strange and an ego boost. They lie, cheat, destroy all in the name of pleasure. You are right it is both adolescent and pathetic. They are like drunk teenagers with mommy and daddy's car keys.
> 
> They leave such permanent devastation that no amount of tears, apologizing and begging can ever completely fix what they have broken. They have changed the BS forever - dimmed their outlook on relationships and other people. Many just skip off into the sunset ready to do more damage in their next relationship. That is why it is VITAL but oh so difficult for the BS to realize their spouses affair is about their spouse and not them. They cope with problems either within themselves or in their life by [email protected]#$%^& someone else for ego kibbles. Sad.


So true. Truth seeker, I can tell you like ChumpLady. She's the best.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

totalfive21 said:


> So true. Truth seeker, I can tell you like ChumpLady. She's the best.


She is the best - a breath of fresh air who empowers the VICTIMS of infidelity...


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Augusto said:


> Isn't "marriage" only a single chance with no others after it. Shouldn't it be that way?


How could you POSSIBLY have ANY doubt about dumping her after this? 



LongWalk said:


> Hard to forget that she wished you dead and photo shopped OM into you wedding photo.


THIS has to be the easiest slam dunk reason for divorce in TAM history... How much MORE could a scumbag cheater do?!?

Second chance????? Hopefully, not in a MILLIONS years with that vile creature. You take someone like that back, don't be surprised if she follows through on her "wishes".


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> How could you POSSIBLY have ANY doubt about dumping her after this?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


When you like and cheat and then wish the victim dead - thats a lot to forgive and forget no?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That is the thing about cheating it is more than just the sex it is the unbridled cruelty that many WSs exibit all in the pursuit of some strange and an ego boost. They lie, cheat, destroy all in the name of pleasure. You are right it is both adolescent and pathetic. They are like drunk teenagers with mommy and daddy's car keys.
> 
> They leave such permanent devastation that no amount of tears, apologizing and begging can ever completely fix what they have broken. They have changed the BS forever - dimmed their outlook on relationships and other people. Many just skip off into the sunset ready to do more damage in their next relationship. That is why it is VITAL but oh so difficult for the BS to realize their spouses affair is about their spouse and not them. They cope with problems either within themselves or in their life by [email protected]#$%^& someone else for ego kibbles. Sad.


This type of behavior should prompt Augusto to have his wife examined by a psychologist for some type of personality disorder. She either has PD, or, she simply lacks any semblance of morality. 

As they would say in the South...."That thar girl didn't git no raisin'"...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> This type of behavior should prompt Augusto to have his wife examined by a psychologist for some type of personality disorder. She either has PD, or, she simply lacks any semblance of morality.
> 
> As they would say in the South...."That thar girl didn't git no raisin'"...


The wishing him dead and photoshopping thing is creepy in a "Silence of the Lambs" way...


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