# Marriage came off the tracks this weekend



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

This is gonna be long as there are a lot of things at play here. Some my fault and some not my fault

A short history. My wife and I have been married almost 21 years and there have been lots of ups and downs. Many of them caused by a lack of sex which let to me having problems with porn and masterbation (wife hates both of these). Also, my wife was sexually abused as a child by an uncle and she has not fully addressed this. It was even a repressed memory until about our 5th year of marriage. 

In mid September last year I decided to turn our sexless marriage around and overhaul how I treat her. Things were going great for the most part. We were more affectionate and sex was several times a week. But as it had been for years the sex was boring. No oral, very little fore play, basically quickies all the time. I discussed this several times but felt she was blowing me off. Didn't want to talk about it at all. 

Through a show I was listening to I heard of a book "The Sexually Confident Wife" by Shannon Ethridge. As I knew this was a problem my wife had already admitted to I asked her if she would read the book. She downloaded it but never read it, saying that she didn't like self help books. So with bother better to do I read it myself. Hand in hand with sexual confidence it discusses at length issues arising from sexual abuse, it was also a great read overall and I learned a good bit from it. 

Well this past weekend we went away to my parents beach condo to get away. On the way down I told her that I had read the book and as a favor would like her to as well. She agreed and Saturday we spent much of the time reading and watching movies. Having read the book myself was of great help as I was able to talk through things the book triggered in her. A lot about her past abuse came out and I learned it was effecting out life even more than I knew. 

Saturday night we had sex. Basically just some grinding and light kissing, the. Straight to PIV intercourse (timming set by her) to completion for both of us. She rolls over to go to sleep and I'm like WTF. In the morning I'm still horny has hell, but she is not having it. So I masterbated when she got up to go watch TV. Not long after she came back in and caught me. She was pissed to say the least. Didn't say a word as we were packing up and leaving, or much of the ride home. 

Since I've been reading No More Mr Nice Guy and another book on being assertive, I decided to tell her how I felt about the sex and her unwilling was to discuss it. That didn't go well and she was yelling at me in no time. I tried my best to avoid being sucked into it, but it was a long ride home and she never let up. She wasnt just mad about the masterbation. I had set loose a whole floodgate of emotions. Topics on the table were. My need for porn and masterbation, my putting her down for giveing bad sex and never being happy, my need to save our marriage, and her past sex abuse. It was more than I could handle, especially when she started the "I haven't done anything good in my life and should just kill myself" talk. Then I made matters worse when we got home. She went in while I was unloading the car. When I finally got In the house I noticed a knife missing from the butcher block and freaked out. I ran through the house and found her sitting in the bathroom. She said she didn't have the knife, and I could not see one. But I would not leave her alone. This pissed her off more. 

Eventually we calmed down and talked. Everything came out. The whole I love you but I'm not happy. Sex is something I feel I have to do and often feel dirty after we do it. How all the problems I her life seem to stem from sex and she wished she didn't have a vagina, because it seems to be the source of all her problems. Oh, and she wants a divorce too. We talked for a long time, I tried not to make excuses for my faults and concentrate on getting her to a better place in her head. In the end she said she needs time to think but was staying for now (earlier she had called a friend for a place to stay). An hour later she said she did not want a divorce but was facing emotions she was not sue show to deal with. Late last night she asked me for a kiss (she seldom does this) I had felt so numb and disconnected for her all day I just lost it and started sobbing. 

This morning we have been texting back and forth. I told her to give her time to think and start to heal I'm taking sex off the table for 2-3 months, and I will back down on being so affectionate. I also fully shaved for her because I found out this weekend that the uncle that molested her had a beard and mustache. 

Hoping to get to know my wife soon. Seems the person she has been showing world, is not the same as the little girl inside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You can't make an omelet with out breaking eggs. 

Still you have to be a little bit more understanding. She just came out a lot on Saturday, and it can't be all about you Sunday morning. She has a lot more healing to do. A book wont fix what she has been through. And if you're following Dr. Glover's ideas, why are you still jacking? 

Keep up with 5LL and HNHN, let her come around to sex on her time line. Think of it as if she had another illness that needs healing. You feel like it's been your entire marriage, but you just started working on this problem. Do you love her? Patience! 

GO SLOW! IT WILL COME! 

What does she think about counseling? What do you think about counseling?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Im sorry for the both of you. You are doing the right thing by backing off. Stay strong and confident. Dont beg or be needy. If she decides to leave dong beg or guilt her into staying.

I think she really needs ic to help deal with her past. Im afraid things will not get much better until she gets help.

Best wishes to the both of you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Hoping to get to know my wife soon. Seems the person she has been showing world, is not the same as the little girl inside.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Congratulations, Ray, and apologies, too. 

I say congrats because your wife is clearly starting to trust you and herself enough to expose some tender, vulnerable places inside her that she's never been safe exposing before. 

Treasure this. I can't tell you enough how important it is. 

But at the same time, be careful not to get sucked in. It's quite common for people to adopt a "you poor girl!" sympathetic approach that backfires. Being TOO sympathetic will encourage her to justify staying sexually disconnected and holding you at arm's length. 

Empathy is good. Your understanding, and your appreciation of her investing trust in you, are important. You really are seeing the "little girl inside" - a child who was brutally stripped of her ability to trust, who learned in an instant that the world is not a safe place, and that people you love betray you with little to no thought for anything but their own selfish motives. 

It's also important to gently remind her that you are NOT a stand-in for her abuser, and that you have needs, too. Ask her what will help her reconnect sexually (which sets an expectation that she *will* do so at some point) instead of asking her how you can make it easier for her to cope with her pain. 

If she's willing to get counseling, great, but I'd also encourage you to have every fourth session or so be a couple's session. She would benefit from working with an individual counselor, but it's also important for the counselor to connect with you and remember that you are part of your wife's path of recovery.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> My wife and I have been married almost 21 years and there have been lots of ups and downs.


How long ago did the most recent "down" spell start? That's when she stopped loving you. They are good at faking, so she may have disliked you during some of your "ups" as well. But AT LEAST since your last down started



Rayloveshiswife said:


> there have been lots of ups and downs. Many of them caused by a lack of sex


The lack of sex is a symptom of the problem, not a cause. The lack of sex is because she doesn't love you. It's like saying my headache was caused by the pain in my forehead.

This is going to sound weird, but wives fall out of love with their husbands and don't tell them. My marriage was almost perfect, besides the rapey sex for three years that led to zero sex for another three years. 

Then my mid-life crisis hit and I decided I didn't want to live in a sexless marriage forever. So I tried to fix it (I can't even do a MLC right). She even played along for a while. But I noticed she wasn't really into it (Sounding familiar yet?). After forcing the issue, I got her to admit some things. It all crashed down in that one awful minute. All of the pieces came together. She never said so, but I realized that she doesn't love me and never will again. As a matter of fact, I think I embarrass (at best) or even disgusted her.

I see you in me. I see my wife in yours. I see a marriage that will NEVER be where you want it to be. I see a guy that needs the 180 more than ever.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I know there is still much to do. At this point I was just happy to be sleeping in the same bed with her last night. This morning she is texting that she is sorry and she over reacted. This is typical for her, next she will say how we need to put it behind us and reconnect. But I'm not having it this time. No matter how long it takes, we are going to deal with this problem. Now that I see the real size of it, it has to be dealt with. 

As far as Dr. Glovers book. I only got about half way through it and stopped reading. The ideas are sound but I think it's too far too fast for me. I will go back to it eventually, but for now I read Hold on to Your N. U. T. s. By Wayne Levine and How to Stand Up For Yourself and Still Win Respect. Both good books that basically mirrored NMMNG with a little softer message. 

I am all for Counseling, she is not. Says she was counseled on this years ago and it did no good. If she was at all, it was for a very brief time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

^ I think you may be projecting your own experiences here, MrK.

Sexual abuse survivors behave this way with people they love, ESPECIALLY as they begin to feel safe and loved.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good understanding. Find her a better counselor


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Guilty of that KB. But when I see a man that describes my marriage almost EXACTLY to a tee (sans the abuse, and I realize that's a huge exception), I'm sharing that.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I am all for Counseling, she is not. Says she was counseled on this years ago and it did no good. If she was at all, it was for a very brief time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unfortunately, if she went years ago, she's probably right that it did no good. From personal experience, I can tell you that in 1977 a professional counselor declared that my father's ongoing sexual assaults had had no effect on me, that I was a happy, well-adjusted little girl. 

By the early 1990s, the mental health industry had radically altered its outlook. The popular idea then was that sexual abuse automatically caused irreparable harm that required people around the survivor to be understanding, gentle, etc. It enabled a "victim" mentality among survivors, who learned that anger and rage were the only appropriate responses to their abuser, even if that person also happened to be a primary caregiver who they also felt love for. Basically, shame on top of shame. 

Around this time, self-help groups like "Incest Survivors Anonymous" sprung up, and I found it to be like an ongoing pity party. 

By the mid 1990s, more information was becoming available. Laura Davis' work had been pivotal in highlighting the kind of coping mechanisms survivors adopted, but also reinforced that victim mentality quite a bit. It was during this time that critics started recognizing that maybe using kid gloves was not the sole solution, and that "empowerment" could also be damaging if not channeled properly. However, it was also at this time that I stopped being obsessed with my own experience as a "victim" and elected to stop giving that part of my life so much influence. It will always be one of the things that shaped me, but I'd learned and moved past what was available then. 

I have no real idea how sexual abuse in women is handled in a clinical setting today. I got out of the mental health industry in 1997 and have not kept up with newer techniques very much, but I imagine they've come a long way.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MrK said:


> Guilty of that KB. But when I see a man that describes my marriage almost EXACTLY to a tee (sans the abuse, and I realize that's a huge exception), I'm sharing that.


Well, in a couple of ways. Remember that in your case, you *were* the abuser. In Ray's case, she's responding to him as if he is, but she's also opening up to him, which is the opposite of the experience you had.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't confuse activity with results.

Pay attention to what she does. Not what she says.

I say this all of the time to men who decide to go on the journey. They read the books, they take in the information, try to put it into action.

But there is one piece that usually determines how the journey goes, and that is who the focus is on.
It has to be about you. It can't be about her. 

That isn't to say your spouse doesn't matter. But the change is about you, not her.

Where some may see hope and progress and openness, I see that you now know exactly how big, deep, and infected the issues are.
I have had exactly the same kind of conversations you had. They didn't set the stage for change. They simply made clear the lines of demarcation and entrenchment. It was a declaration of status and intent, not a confession and cry for help. She has to want to help herself and she has to want a better marriage, and I'm going to tell you in no uncertain terms, that the intent of the books you are reading is not to make your wife want to stay married to you. 

They are tools to help make you a better man, better partner, and ultimately enable you to decide if you want to stay married to her.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Thanks Kathy. My wife probably had counseling for it in the mid to late 90s. But it was so short I few it probably did no good, or made her feel good for a little while. I have told her that counseling is going to be a must.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I'm almost in tears. She called me and said she wants counseling. You would have to know her to know what big step this is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I'm almost in tears. She called me and said she wants counseling. You would have to know her to know what big step this is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's awesome! 

To get the most out of counseling, in the shortest time, and with the lowest out-of-pocket cost, I'd encourage her to seek a counselor that has a variety of techniques at their disposal and a long history of working with sexual abuse issues. 

Here are some of the typical types of counseling approaches (but this is not a complete list.) Types of Therapy


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

My wife just texted me her schedule in case I can get an appointment for her. She sounds so happy. She told me "I feel positive about the future for the first time in my adult life" and "I'll see Bill if he'll take me. She also said that me taking sex off the table for a few months and giving her some space is what helped her decide to seek help. 

Bill was a counselor that saw me and my daughter a few years ago for depression. Turns out he does do sex abuse counseling. I respect him, thought he did a wonderful job, and would trust him with my wife. Because she was with me on few sessions my wife knows him too. 

I know the road ahead is long and won't be easy, but I've come this far. I can't turn back now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

She obviously loves and trusts you. That in and of itself speaks volumes for what can be accomplished.

Contrary to popular belief, we REALLY do like good news around here.

Sincerely hope both of you get to continue the journey with love and support from one another.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> A lot about her past abuse came out and I learned it was effecting out life even more than I knew.


The more you see, the more you'll realize how true this is. Her entire life is affected by it in some way.




Rayloveshiswife said:


> This morning we have been texting back and forth. I told her to give her time to think and start to heal I'm taking sex off the table for 2-3 months, and I will back down on being so affectionate.


I think you are on the right track here. Just don't subjugate your self forever. There has to be a finite limit to your sacrifices. Also, she may feel a lot of relief that you are taking sex and physical affection off the table, which then removes pressure from her to address her issues. For me this has been really hard to navigate. Finding the line which respects her but which also respects me is not easy.




Rayloveshiswife said:


> I also fully shaved for her because I found out this weekend that the uncle that molested her had a beard and mustache.


How do you feel about learning about the beard and mustache?

I felt like total sh1t when I found out about some of my wife's triggers. I unknowingly used to kid around with her about not liking those things. I did not know of her abuse at the time, but still I felt horrified years later when I learned they were triggers.

With some time I've come to accept that it was not on me. She chose not to inform me about the abuse or about the triggers. I am deeply saddened for her in all aspects of what the abuse did to her life, but I don't accept guilt for unknowingly triggering her.



Rayloveshiswife said:


> Hoping to get to know my wife soon. Seems the person she has been showing world, is not the same as the little girl inside.


It's all about her hiding feelings of shame and worthlessness. She absolutely needs good trauma therapy to kick these demons out. Her reading a book or two is not going to be enough. You cannot be her therapist.

Good luck to both of you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I just saw your posts on her seeking therapy. Great news!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> My wife just texted me her schedule in case I can get an appointment for her. She sounds so happy. She told me "I feel positive about the future for the first time in my adult life" and "I'll see Bill if he'll take me. She also said that me taking sex off the table for a few months and giving her some space is what helped her decide to seek help.
> 
> Bill was a counselor that saw me and my daughter a few years ago for depression. Turns out he does do sex abuse counseling. I respect him, thought he did a wonderful job, and would trust him with my wife. Because she was with me on few sessions my wife knows him too.
> 
> ...


This is great news. Hoping the very best for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

THOR, in answer to your questions. 

As far as the no sex thing. Three months is about the limit. Main reason being we are going to Jamaica in mid April with several other couples. It's sort of a combined anniversary and second honey moon trip. This is important to both of us, so it probably in the back of her mind too. I plan to wait and see how the first few counseling sessions go before we talk about that. But I'm not worried about being cut off indefinitely. She told me initially that doing this was unnecessary. And although I never got a chance to say it because she agreed to get help so quickly, the no sex thing was going to be conditional on her getting help. 

I don't feel to bad about her triggers. Because until this weekend she did not know herself what they were. She knew it would weird her out if my mustache needed trimmed and hairs would get in her nose when we kissed. And often she felt uncomfortable French kissing if I was to initiate tongue first. But she did not know the source of the tension she was feeling until this weekend. I am certain other triggers will be uncovered as there are other things that seem to freak her out for no reason. 

I never intended that reading a book would solve her problems. To be honest I had hoped to use the book to do exactly what happen. I wanted to bring her past abuse so far out in open, that it could not be pushed back into a dark corner again. I was ready for it to blow up in my face. But it ended up being a much bigger blow up than I expected. 

Just found out she has her first session Wednesday evening. She said she wants me there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Another good place to start is to have her thyroid/adrenals/hormones checked by a practitioner knowledgeable in bioidentical hormones. Not just a regular dr or OBGYN! Call a compounding pharmacy and ask for recommendations.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

whattodoskidoo said:


> Another good place to start is to have her thyroid/adrenals/hormones checked by a practitioner knowledgeable in bioidentical hormones. Not just a regular dr or OBGYN! Call a compounding pharmacy and ask for recommendations.


What the hell would this have to do with unresolved issues from sexual abuse when she was a teenager?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Well my wife goes for her first counseling session tonite. She is both excited and scared as hell. Against her counselers wishes she says she wants me to be there for support. I told her I will be happy to leave the room at any time if she wants me to. 

The last few days have been a treat. Knowing she is going to get a chance to heal, she is starting to come out. She has been happier, an a LOT more affectionate. She usually rarely I initiates kisses, hugs or other forms of intimacy, but the last few days she has been doing it I spades. It's been a field day for me because affection is one of my top emotional needs. If this is my new wife, I'm lovin it big time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

When you are sure your partner won't bail on you because of your issues it makes all the difference. Her response to you is a pure example of that. She trusts you, and thus, feels free.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Well the first session went oK. Therapist basically just got a history of her life up to late teens including traumatic events, dating history/sexual partners and an account of the sexual abuse she suffered. She was terrified about talking about it said later it was easy to talk about for some reason. I gotta say. I'm glad the guy who did this to her is already dead, or I would kill him myself. 

The abuse happened roughly from age 5 to age 10. An older neighbor down the street evidently would invite the younger kids in the neighborhood to play in his house. He would invite them to sit in his lap while they watched TV. Initially he would touch private area through her clothes, but eventually he would take his and her clothes off while he touched her and had her touch him as well. Looks like this went on with many young girls. How can people be this sick. 

On a different note. She is still in a great mood and still showing lots of affection, which I love. We also seem to be getting much closer. She is telling me things she normally would not. She says all that I've done for her lately has shown her how dedicated I am to her and our marriage. 

She shocked me last night when she initiated sex, and while not mind blowing. It was a definite step up from what we normally do. This morning she told me she felt closer to me during sex and was not feeling the anxiety she normally feels. It seems as if things are looking up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> So I masterbated when she got up to go watch TV. Not long after she came back in and caught me. She was pissed to say the least. Didn't say a word as we were packing up and leaving, or much of the ride home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Let me give you a piece of advice friend OK? 

If your going to masturbate, have enough sense to go in the bathroom, lock the fu--in door and wax your carrot until it falls off. 

Who in the hell wants to see you doing that? It's obvious that she doesn't and she's already voiced her complaint on it. 

Masturbating is a private matter between you and you dik and she doesn't need to see it. All it does is make matters worse. Use some common sense ok?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Well the first session went oK. Therapist basically just got a history of her life up to late teens including traumatic events, dating history/sexual partners and an account of the sexual abuse she suffered. She was terrified about talking about it said later it was easy to talk about for some reason. I gotta say. I'm glad the guy who did this to her is already dead, or I would kill him myself.
> 
> The abuse happened roughly from age 5 to age 10. An older neighbor down the street evidently would invite the younger kids in the neighborhood to play in his house. He would invite them to sit in his lap while they watched TV. Initially he would touch private area through her clothes, but eventually he would take his and her clothes off while he touched her and had her touch him as well. Looks like this went on with many young girls. How can people be this sick.
> 
> ...


This sounds absolutely great! Just don't relax. She's probably very fragile right now and you don't need setbacks. But there likely will be some ups and downs. Ride them and don't get discouraged. She needs you.

Good luck Ray!


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Ray

I am putting your comments in here first and they may not be in order. responses below yours RAy a

nd I am talking from experience etc. I am trying to caution you on what you want to have happen. 

For a woman healing from sex is not like what is for guys. please 
don't rush it. 


I'm almost in tears. She called me and said she wants counseling. You would have to know her to know what big step this is.

Judith; I am sorry your hurting. give her time. The key is will she stay through it even when it gets difficult. Thor is one you really need to hear from. on the site. she is doing it so she doesn't lose you and out of fear. et.c Trust me on this. please. 

My wife just texted me her schedule in case I can get an appointment for her. She sounds so happy. She told me "I feel positive about the future for the first time in my adult life" and "I'll see Bill if he'll take me. She also said that me taking sex off the table for a few months and giving her some space is what helped her decide to seek help. 

Judith: The key is to encourage her to keep going when the feeligns get so difficult she wants stop and the fact that it hurts to much to continue to heal. Women when they find out how much it hurts -some stop. for years and then go back. It is important for a survivor to have someone they can trust to stop the sex for a period of three months actually a book recommends for a year. 

Bill was a counselor that saw me and my daughter a few years ago for depression. Turns out he does do sex abuse counseling. I respect him, thought he did a wonderful job, and would trust him with my wife. Because she was with me on few sessions my wife knows him too. 

Judith: IT would be better if she went to a female so she can unload her emotions. Men want to fix and she wants him to fix it. She is afraid of her emotions too. YOu really need to encourage her to talk about her feelings and unload. THe women on a support group site -tend to talk about how the male therapist-they are sometimes afraid to talk to him about certain things. 

I know the road ahead is long and won't be easy, but I've come this far. I can't turn back now.

Judith: Yes agree but are you willing to stay in there when it gets tough to where she struggles to deal with her emotions and want ot give up. 


far as the no sex thing. Three months is about the limit. Main reason being we are going to Jamaica in mid April with several other couples. It's sort of a combined anniversary and second honey moon trip.

Judith: YOu can heal sexual abuse in three months. IT depends on where she will be emotionally dealing with it. A person I talk to his partner hasn't been able to do it in three months and my friend couldn't do it in one year. She may give up and stop when this comes and putting three months on it puts pressure on her to heal when she needs space to process. It is going to be a pressure on her to have sex that weekend -she may have issues then sex off the table... 

This is important to both of us, so it probably in the back of her mind too. I plan to wait and see how the first few counseling sessions go before we talk about that. But I'm not worried about being cut off indefinitely. 

Judit;H Trust me she has no clue on healing from sexual pain and what that entails even though she is experience some of it. she hasn't and in sex would be the key on what she is doing to heal. She wont cut off indefinitely as long as she has time to heal and work on it in sex as well. 

She told me initially that doing this was unnecessary. And although I never got a chance to say it because she agreed to get help so quickly, the no sex thing was going to be conditional on her getting help. 

Judith: I hope that didn't sound controlling to her. 

I don't feel to bad about her triggers. Because until this weekend she did not know herself what they were. She knew it would weird her out if my mustache needed trimmed and hairs would get in her nose when we kissed. And often she felt 

Judith; She wont know what her triggers are until she does them and feel the pain with it. The key is can she get them to where the are a blip on the radar screen. She can heal from that but it takes time and practice etc. 

uncomfortable French kissing if I was to initiate tongue first. But she did not know the source of the tension she was feeling until this weekend. I am certain other triggers will be uncovered as there are other things that seem to freak her out for no reason. 

Judith; She needs to link it back to what he did and then retrain her body etc ot heal on her control etc. The key is she needs to rework the tension until it Is under her control-just once is not enough


I never intended that reading a book would solve her problems. To be honest I had hoped to use the book to do exactly what happen. I wanted to bring her past abuse so far out in open, that it could not be pushed back into a dark corner again. I was ready for it to blow up in my face. But it ended up being a much bigger blow up than I expected. 

Judit;h She knows she needs healing or there wouldn't be problems. The challenge for her is do I want to heal or not and stop the sexual pain. The key is she doing it out of fear of losing you or really want to heal regardless of what happens ... It is already out in the open the problem is her doing something about it when she gets stuck. My friend in CA knew she needed to deal with a sexual issue but struggle to follow through. regarding an sexual thing that happens in sex. it wasn't until I talk with her three years recently that she finally work on stuff in cousenling for the third or second time and I talk with her about it back In 2001-5. she wouldn't deal with it then. I am sorry but you are needing more info in how much is involved in this. 

This below was mention by a poster regarding phsycial etc hormonal stuff to be check. The reason for it being is because first off as a child her chemical make up in development as a female is affected. Her hormones can be messed up with someone physically doing things to her. That is why women who have been sexually abuse are LD because they didn't get to develop like they should and have a healthy control over sex. 

W"hat the hell would this have to do with unresolved issues from sexual abuse when she was a teenager"


Well my wife goes for her first counseling session tonite. She is both excited and scared as hell. Against her counselers wishes she says she wants me to be there for support. I told her I will be happy to leave the room at any time if she wants me to. 

Judith: They key is will she go when she is scared half the time and more so when she is not. 

The last few days have been a treat. Knowing she is going to get a chance to heal, she is starting to come out. She has been happier, an a LOT more affectionate. She usually rarely I initiates kisses, hugs or other forms of intimacy, but the last few days she has been doing it I spades. It's been a field day for me because affection is one of my top emotional needs. If this is my new wife, I'm lovin it big time

Judit;h Sometimes we women do things out of self protection. The key is is she acting that way out of self protection and fear of being rejected. Yes but you need to be careful and cautious. I know you want this but -sometimes this is how a and usually how a woman with sexual abuse responds to things. 

Well the first session went oK. Therapist basically just got a history of her life up to late teens including traumatic events, dating history/sexual partners and an account of the sexual abuse she suffered. She was terrified about talking about it said later it was easy to talk about for some reason. I gotta say. I'm glad the guy who did this to her is already dead, or I would kill him myself. 

Judith: my friend would respond this way when troubled and due to your wife have experience it from 5 to ten that is like daily and hourly. It is like he had her from 8am to 5pm even maybe until bed. For that many years. It is not like she went there for an hour and he did it and It was done for five days then she went back for one day etc. it doesn't happen that way. IT is constant and she cant have any time to breath. That is why a sexual abuse victims leaves in the middle of sex. 


The abuse happened roughly from age 5 to age 10. An older neighbor down the street evidently would invite the younger kids in the neighborhood to play in his house. He would invite them to sit in his lap while they watched TV. Initially he would touch private area through her clothes, but eventually he would take his and her clothes off while he touched her and had her touch him as well. Looks like this went on with many young girls. How can people be this sick. 

Judith; see above. THis is not a once a day or once a week event. this is a daily and or hourly event. Every day for that many years. It is like he did it however many times it body could let it happen. The touch of him is scary and painful emotionally there for makes it painful physically. A child touching a male and oesnt understand what is going on creates dirty feelings in that girl. Because it opens up some physical feelings that she would not experience until marriage. It is not just touch and stop it is touch and do and insert. This almost sounds minor compared to another friend story

On a different note. She is still in a great mood and still showing lots of affection, which I love. We also seem to be getting much closer. She is telling me things she normally would not. She says all that I've done for her lately has shown her how dedicated I am to her and our marriage. 

Judith: YEs but she needs love and is feeling like she is not feeling loved and is cravy it. The children who are not loved will ask for love or say they love you. My sisters kids have done that. I can tell the difference in a child who is loved and who is not. the one who is not is seeking it and the one who is that knows they are will not ask for it like she is. She sounds like my friend on the west coast. She did the same thing. 


She shocked me last night when she initiated sex, and while not mind blowing. It was a definite step up from what we normally do. This morning she told me she felt closer to me during sex and was not feeling the anxiety she normally feels. It seems as if things are looking up.


Judith: Please don't always count on that. That is how a trauma victim reacts. She will give to keep. She wont be able to do that all the time when she starts talking about sex and what the jerk did. the initial part is you cant bring yourself to do anything.


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