# 28, no kids, what to do?



## june2012 (Jun 4, 2012)

I have been married 4 years, and am 28. I guess I just need some reassurance, clarification on my situation.

We have no kids. In fact, we (I mostly) tried for a year and half with no luck. It put me into a depression. My husband took a 3 month internship across country( he's a full time student) and during that time, I "woke up"

We met and he was in the military, we dated long distance for a year, then I moved out to California. We lived there 2 years, I loved it, we got married, and moved back to our home city for him to finish school. He always said that he wanted to move back to California, I thought I could too.

Now, the older I get, I realize that I can't do that. Sure, I could, I am an optomistic person, but especially after dealing with infertility, I want my kids to have the best life, close to family and grandparents. This is a non negotioable though, we have been to counseling, and either I move, or its over.

Its not just the living situation, he is sometimes very emotionally/verbally abusive, but not all of the time. He is very sweet around our friends and family. But he said to me, "I don't need you." I broke my big toe, and he honestly didn't even care, and infact played a joke on me and told me that my car windows were down in a rain storm and watched me hobble out to check my windows b/c he refused to go out. He's not always that way, but when he's a jerk, he's a jerk..if you know what I mean.

He never wanted kids, but will for me. I am an intelligent person, and I can't help but realize that maybe me not getting pregnant with him was meant to be. He can't handle any little annoyances, and I can't imagine how he'd treat kids.

I used to be the sweetest, happiest, easy going person. Now, I am not loving towards him, and not as friendly to other people. I'm just not happy, but I am such a loyal and committed person, I feel so guilty asking for a serperation/divorce. He never wanted to get married, but fell in love with me and chose to give up many of his dreams. That's the main reason why I feel guilty, but I never asked him to give up his dreams. I need some advice from someone who's been in my situation..


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

If he never wanted kids and you've been trying this hard for so long to have something he does not want...That could be the source of his resentment. Some people are just not suited for children and it seems to me that he understands this. If he told you he didn't want kids before you got married and you still married him, hoping he would change his mind, then I hate to say it, but you were most likely wrong.

It sounds to me that having kids is taking precedents over your marriage to him. If he also never wanted to get married, but did for you, thats a compromise. It seems that you are unwilling to compromise on the kids issue(which if both people are not in 100% agreement, then its not going to work), then your marriage is probably over. 

If you mostly tried and he didn't, that should have been an indicator that his feeling have not and will not change. You did ask him to change his dreams.. When you went tried for a long time to get pregnant.

Believe me, I know.. This was my life..I never wanted to get married or have kids.. I compromised with my wife to get married under the agreement that it was childfree and that it was a 100% dealbreaker. Well, she cheated on me to get pregnant and expected me to live with it. She was wrong as well. Her wanting to have kids at any cost, caused us so many problems and eventually it turned her cold to me and she went somewhere else..then wanted me to clean up the mess..


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## june2012 (Jun 4, 2012)

Thanks for your post. He honestly has really come around about having kids, he's 30, his friends are having kids, and he honestly has warmed up to the idea, went to dr.appointments with me, ..because he does truly love me. But I think you are right, that some people just know that they aren't right for kids. When we went to marriage counseling, the counselor did say that it sounds like he does want marriage, but his actions show that he really isn't fully committed based on things that he says and does. 

But that's what makes it hard..he says what I want to hear, but doesn't act on it. He says he doesn't believe in divorce, and he sees a family together, yet, he told me, " I want a spontaneous life where I can do what I want. I want to move around every few years." He said that he wants to do this with "our" family..but come on..that's not life for a family? I think he knows we aren't right too..but is too prideful to admit it, considering he "never" wanted to get married. There's a lot of divorce in his family, and that's why he never wanted to get married. Do you think he's telling me what I want to hear because he's embarrassed to get divorced? I'm just so tired of hearing so many sweet things at times, but his actions just show otherwise. That's what makes it hard to finally separate/divorce is that he says he'll do anything for our marriage, and loves me truly (which he does to his ability), so I am breaking his heart/dreams even though he equally got us here. 

And yes, I know that I am equally as responsible. I should not have married someone whose dreams about children/family are so different than mine. I take fully responsibility for that. Although he has made many mistakes, I am willing to take the blame as well.

For those of you who have been in this situation, how do you finally just do it? I do love him so much, and he does as well, but I just know deep with in my heart, and mind that we really have different dreams/values, and its not best for either of us to compromise everything.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You're only 28, I assume your H is near your age. You are both young and have a LIFETIME ahead of you. Find someone who shares your dreams of a future...and allow your H to find someone who shares his dreams of a future.

Of course, it will be painful to get divorced. But staying in a miserable or mediocre marriage out of 'guilt' is painful and unfair to BOTH OF YOU.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree, get out while you can. Many men don't want to divorce not because they love their wife but because they don't want to be alone, start over, feel like a failure, etc. I think he sounds like my ex. I could hurt myself and he didn't care. No compassion at all. My guess is pregnancy and delivery would be a lonely experience with him. He sounds like the type who won't help you and you will live as a single parent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

june2012 said:


> He said that he wants to do this with "our" family..but come on..that's not life for a family?


What is HIS definition of family? To me it was my wife and I. I'd love to move around every few years with her, but she decided to cheat to get pregnant...

I am kinda bias, as my life has been ruined by a woman's desire to upend everything just to get a kid..A kid that she cannot take care of and WILL loss to the state when she is given a psych evaluation.

Family can be two people or twenty...


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## june2012 (Jun 4, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I agree, get out while you can. Many men don't want to divorce not because they love their wife but because they don't want to be alone, start over, feel like a failure, etc. I think he sounds like my ex. I could hurt myself and he didn't care. No compassion at all. My guess is pregnancy and delivery would be a lonely experience with him. He sounds like the type who won't help you and you will live as a single parent.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has even told me that he doesn't experience empathy? To be honest, I feel bad for him. He was raised by his dad, no mother, and his dad was very verbally abusive, sometimes physically. My husband is not physical at all..and nowhere near angry like his dad..definitely sweeter, but I know that I've stayed in this long because I do feel bad for him. I think he gives his best, but is just incapable of it.

I also know that pregnancy and delivery would probably be on my own ( I am back on the pill)..I know what I need to do, its just helpful to have reassurance from others in my situation.

Thanks.


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## june2012 (Jun 4, 2012)

geek down said:


> What is HIS definition of family? To me it was my wife and I. I'd love to move around every few years with her, but she decided to cheat to get pregnant...
> 
> I am kinda bias, as my life has been ruined by a woman's desire to upend everything just to get a kid..A kid that she cannot take care of and WILL loss to the state when she is given a psych evaluation.
> 
> Family can be two people or twenty...


His definition of family its anyone who is near you in your life. So friends become family too. If he's near his best friend who is a family man, he acts and talks like him and is nearly the perfect husband. After his best friend had a kid, now he said he can see him self having a kid....When he's away from him, he's completely different. He told the counselor that he would stay in our home city vs. getting a divorce. But right when we got into the car, he said that he would never stay here. So I have very little trust in any words that he says. 

I'm not against who he thinks of as family..I just have a different idea of family. To each their own


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

It sounds more and more like he has no idea what he really wants...I've lived with a person like that..You never know what person you are going to come home to.


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