# Female point of view please



## handrew (Jan 30, 2013)

I've been married to my wife for 3.5 years and it will be 6 years since our first date next week. We have an 8 month old daughter together. I'm asking if the women out there think that there is anyway to save my marriage.

My wife decided that she wanted a divorce. She says that she does not feel safe with me. After reading the 5 Love Languages book, I realize that I have not been showing her love in her language either. We are both under a lot of stress outside of just our marriage. I am in school for my Masters and spend a lot of time doing research. I also work a full time job that takes me away for 24 hours every third day. She works in healthcare working 4p-4a 13 nights a month. She has been coming home and going to bed by 5am and then taking care if the baby when she gets up around 9-10 for the past 6 months. Not that I don't want to help but school and work takes me away in the mornings. She has said "I love you so much" just a few weeks ago and even said she still loves me during all of this just not in an intimate way. I read about the walk away wife syndrome and it seems exactly like our situation. I even mentioned that to her as well. I am not sure that it is all me that makes her want the divorce. I think she is exhausted physically as well as emotionally because of me. I have told her I wanted to change the problems that she has brought in the past so that we could work on things. She said I should of done it sooner which I agree that I should have. I have also scheduled counseling for myself to get help with some anger/temper issues that I have (she says that's 90% of her problems with me). 

I love this woman more than anything on this planet and would do anything to get her back. I have just done a horrible job at showing her this over the years. I realize now after reading that book that her love language is acts of service and quality time. Since she asked me to move out, quality time is not really an option. I have been going to our house and cleaning it from top to bottom for her to show her that I care and want to do the things she needs. I hope that is not wrong of me (she knows I go over there when she is at work to get things and says she is not mad about it). Is there any way to save my marriage? Am I doing things that will hurt my chances or should I just continue to show my commitment to seeking help and wanting to do the right things for her? I do not want to lose her as she is my true reason for being. I have been in other long term dating relationships and realize that she is the only one for me (she does not have any past relationship experiences...at least not serious ones).

I don't want to sound like a pansy here but she really is everything to me. Any help from a woman on how I can win her back if that is even possible would be appreciated .


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm not hearing what it is about your temper that makes her feel unsafe and wonder how well you are reconciling that daemon if you're not acknowledging, fully and openly. You can't slug your wife or throw a vase across the room and then clean the house to apologize without mentioning your temper needs to be better controlled. With out fully discussing your behavior, what causes it, why you can't control it, where you lose control and what steps YOU need to take to gain the control most real men have.

Secondly, why the hell did you guys have a baby when no one would be home to raise said baby? With you gone 18 hours days and your wife working over nights... Who is raising your child? If baby was a surprise, you both need to start putting this child more front and center for a while, which means the paper chase gets put on hold for a time.

You already recognize some typical husband mistakes, that's good. But those first two are deal breakers so the husband mistakes take a back seat.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

handrew said:


> I have also scheduled counseling for myself to get help with some anger/temper issues that I have (she says that's 90% of her problems with me).


She doesn't feel "safe" with you. That's a pretty big deal breaker in my book. What exactly have you done to make her feel that way? How bad is your temper?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

in your entire post, that was the one thing that jumped out at me, as well - your anger. Despite all the work hours, stress, school, baby, your wife said that 90% of the problem in your anger/temper issues. It sounds like you really love her and want this to work and she loves you too. She probably loves you so much when she feels safe, but not feeling safe trumps everything. 

Take this time apart to continue showing her how much you love and care for her, but more importantly, you need to take a 180 on your anger/temper issues. Unfortunately, you can be awesome almost all of the time, but all it takes is one misstep where you show your anger/temper to wash it all away all that goodness and just leave a bitter taste. Get help and win your wife back.


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## handrew (Jan 30, 2013)

My temper can be pretty bad at times. I will yell and can become destructive. I do not hit her. I always thought I could be a "man" and control it myself but see that the better man would have gotten help. It always seems that I am controlling it well until its too late. I honestly don't mean to do any of it and hate myself for it. That is the main reason that I have already scheduled myself for counseling...to get help for that. She also says she doesn't feel safe because I haven't always kept my word, that she doesn't feel like I protect her through lying. Its not that I'm trying to lie but I honestly forget a lot of things. Between my ADHD and busy schedule, things get lost in my head.

As far as the baby is concerned, we actually have been able to work it out so that one of us is almost always at home. She does not work the days I do and I get off most afternoons from school by 5-6 so a friend watches her for maybe 3 hours, from 3pm til 6pm, 6-8 days a month. My wife took this job working nights because of more money and that we would not need childcare that much. I mentioned that I did not think it was a great idea because of the whole sleep problems but she assured me that it was not going to be a problem. I think some of this stems from being exhausted physically added on top of emotionally from my bad job of doing things that she needed.

I want to save this more than anything. She has gone from absolutely divorce is the only option to being separated and not filing papers "yet". The day I left, she said she wanted me to get an apartment nearby so I could still be active in our daughter's life. My parents have a vacation home about 20 minutes away so I suggested staying there in case we could work things out, I would not be tied to a lease. She said that was a good idea. She has a great paying job and I'm pretty sure she has the money to go through with the divorce costs. I'm hoping not filing papers yet is a sign that there is a small chance for working things out. I hope that is the case and will do whatever it takes to fix this. I know it will take a while but it is worth it more than anything to me. Is there any way to fix it? What can I do to increase the chances that she would want to fix it? I have already told her that I was truly sorry for everything and admitted that I needed help for my temper. She only asked why I couldn't have done it sooner for which I don't have an answer.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

I agree with everyone else. To have a chance of getting her back you need to take full responsibility for your temper. You sort of seem to be doing this, but you still say you "don't mean to do it". You do have control over it, period. By not taking responsibility earlier, you've wasted a lot of her time and tears probably. She's likely wondering why she had to threaten divorce in order for you to take it seriously. You need to address that too. 

Lying and breaking promises. You are sort of glossing over that as well. Again don't make excuses. If you are worn out mentally and physically, then prioritize and make sacrifices. Do without as much money. Take fewer classes. No those aren't easy decisions to make, but you need to make them if you want to save your marriage.

Take action and be consistent. It's going to take a while for her to trust you again, so think marathon instead of sprint. Good luck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Tell your wife that you UNDERSTAND her concerns. That you see her points clearly and that they are valid.

Tell her what you are doing to address those concerns. Tell her that you understand TALK IS CHEAP and MEANINGLESS unless followed by concerted effort and appropriate action.

1. Get into anger management classes NEXT WEEK. Without excuse.

2. Unless your Master's Degree will be finished by May 2013, tell her YOU WILL be putting your degree ON HOLD in favor of working on your personal issues, and your marriage. You need to understand that a better-paying job and more interesting career would be nice, but NOT at the expense of your marriage and child

3. Ask her to delay filing for the divorce for 6 months. Separate if she feels that she must, but tell her that YOU WILL prove to her that you ARE a man of your word. A safe man. A man she and your child can depend on to ALWAYS care for them and look out for them. 

4. Thank her for being your wife, for giving you a beautiful child, and tell her you thank her for listening to you with an open heart and an open mind (even if she does NOT give you 6 months.)

Then DO WHAT THE HELL YOU JUST PROMISED HER!


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## handrew (Jan 30, 2013)

I have acknowledged her problems with me and have agreed that they are truly problems on my part that only I can fix. I have scheduled counseling for Tues as this was the earliest available. My Master's is scheduled to be done in August of this year but putting it on hold isn't an option exactly. The research that I do has time constraints so I can't exactly stop and start and stopping now would cause me to have to start on a new project if and when I went back. I talked with my mentor yesterday and she agreed that I could slow some things down and should still finish by Aug. I was ready to quit all together because its not worth it. My wife knew I was going to talk with my mentor yesterday and texted me to say that she didn't want me to quit the program. She seems to be holding off on filing so that is a good sign I guess. She did text me today and say that words are not going to make her trust me which I understand. She also just said she did not know if she would be able to trust me again. I take that as maybe there is a ever so slight chance that she can trust me. It wasn't a I can never trust you but a I'm not sure. I have been telling her that I love her and thanking her for things that I should have thanked her for before. I hope and pray that maybe we can work through this.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Every single freaking day, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, FIRST THING when you get up (put a note on your bathroom mirror if you have to as a reminder) ACTIVELY THINK:

Today IS my LAST CHANCE to save my marriage! What can/will I do TODAY to make a difference for [wife's name] and [baby's name].


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

As someone who was married to someone who I did not feel safe around, she has probably been feeling this way for a long time and just got the guts to end it. She is very close to finalizing this. Cleaning is nice but in the end you need to follow through with the counseling and learn coping techniques to be able to channel your feelings into appropriate actions. 

Throwing things and screaming are actions of toddlers. Adults disagree and discuss. Time to be a man.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

A good friend of mine was married in a situation a lot like yours. They are divorced now.

She married him not understanding how devastating a person with untreated ADD can be upon the world around him or her. She could not count on him to do anything he said. They had to travel abroad for work reasons, and she could not count on him to get them around in foreign countries without losing luggage, getting lost, or have no place to stay. 

They had two kids together and she was 100% responsible for everything in the home and with the children, while he worked full time. The problem with this was, when you are a SAHM with two toddlers plus you also have to handle multiple international travel arrangements, new housing, new vehicles, passports for all 4 of you, all meals while on the road, figuring out all directions to and from airports and new residences...she literally had to do all the work in each of these things because if he did them, they would be lost in a foreign country with no money and no luggage within hours. That actually did have to happen a few times before she caught on that she would need to do every single detail of every travel they went on, or else a disaster would occur. To give her husband any tasks in these areas was like giving those tasks to a very young boy...he literally couldn't remember and manage that many details due to his ADD. (Which is not to say he wasn't intelligent, because he totally was, and he held a very important job).

My friend eventually had to learn and read up about ADD to understand her husband and to realize he wasn't doing these things on purpose to let her down or because he was just lazy. She came to realize what ADD really meant in her life and how her husband was pretty afflicted with it. She then learned that there are all kinds of ways a person with ADD can manage it, ways in which they can remember details and not forget things and be as organized as anyone else.

She presented these things to her husband. He refused to acknowledge there was even a problem here. He doesn't actually remember making the mistakes she is talking about. He doesn't see the devastation this is taking upon his wife while she has to do everything involving these very complicated plans and lifestyle issues. He refuses all help or to acknowledge he has ADD.

She works with this situation as long as she can, and eventually divorces him after 9 years of marriage.

I'm just telling you this story to help you see maybe how your wife feels a little bit. How she can see the future ahead of her and she refuses to "go there". If you do have ADD as bad as my friend's ex-h, I know you can easily get it managed. And if you do manage it, you will likely see a lot of your anger issues get under control, too (even though you should also seek books and help on that, too).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

handrew said:


> She only asked why I couldn't have done it sooner for which I don't have an answer.


The answer is you didn't want to, didn't think you had to and quite honestly thought you could get away with it. Part of you is shocked that she's actually called you on this behavior hence why you are here.

Don't feel bad most people don't want to do it either. Where do you think the term "wake up call" comes from? Most have to hit rock bottom where they are about to lose everything before they DO anything.

What you tell her is you needed that wake up call and that no matter what happens between you - you are grateful for that. Thank her for standing up to you because it took courage for her to do that.


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## handrew (Jan 30, 2013)

I appreciate everyone's insight into my situation. I understand about the ADHD thing although mine isn't quite that bad. I do forget a bunch especially when I am exhausted which is nearly all the time. I don't think it helps that my wife was diagnosed as a child with ADHD but is not treated now. I am currently on meds that help a lot.

I agree with everyone that I did not handle my anger/temper in a good way. I thought I could control it myself even when I slipped back. I also agree that I was getting away with other things such as tobacco use that I should have stopped. It was little things like that that were considered the lies I had told. "I'll quit tobacco" but I didn't. Not that I didn't try, I just didn't try hard enough. I can say that regardless, I have almost completely stopped in the past several days. The little use now in just weaning myself off.

I know that my cleaning is not enough. As I have told my wife, I am only doing the things I should of been doing the entire time to help her out. I have told her that no matter what happens, I will continue to do what I should have...even if she proceeds with divorce. As far as my temper and anger, I have made an absolute promise to myself and the Lord that I will control myself at all costs. To me, that is something that I cannot break. I've expressed this to my wife and understand why she would not trust me. I just hope that she can give me a chance to show her it's the truth.

Another question for everyone, will it be possible for her to see I'm sincere about this with me not being in the house with her? I'm afraid that she won't see the change and never have an opportunity to rebuild that trust if she's not around me. She will see my commitment to counseling but not how I handle things. Is it even possible to regain that trust again?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Of course she'll see it:

when you call about her and the baby
when you visit with the baby
when you interact about money & bills
when you start KEEPING promises to her IMMEDIATELY and TO THE LETTER
when you quit lying (like when you quit smoking! good for you)
when you two have a disagreement and you HANDLE IT LIKE AN ADULT, no matter how angry you are
The changes will be obvious to her, and she'll probably be LOOKING for them...to see if your actions follow your words.


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## handrew (Jan 30, 2013)

I hope you are right. Everyday gets harder and harder. I never knew that I would need someone as much as her. I tell her as often as possible but don't want to annoy her and push her away. Good thing is she wants me to be near so I can be with our baby and I will get her on the days my wife works. She has been very clear that she would not take our daughter away from me and that she would let me spend time with her as often as I want.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You know how the minute a BS finds someone new the WS seems to have psychic abilities and they come running back because they don't want to lose their plan B? And they had no apparent knowledge that the BS had moved on. It was just something they 'knew'.

Well this is the same concept. When you change and I mean SINCERELY change she will know even if you don't live with her. She'll see it in your actions, your body language, your tone of voice, everything, your whole being will change, and in some cosmic way yes she will know it just from your thoughts. It's strange how this happens but it does.

This is why change must come from within you can't lie about it because people closest to you will always find out. It's written all over your face.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You may also want to invite her to counseling with you. She may not come but that would demonstrate that you are being open and trying. If she goes she can hear you and the counselor talking about how you are handling things now. 

As someone said - if you show her on a regular basis and there is still any love left for you, she could still come around. If not, you have learned a VERY valuable lesson and will know the right things to do if there is a second time.


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## handrew (Jan 30, 2013)

Well I just got to see my wife and daughter for the first time in days. Don't remember if I mentioned this but she took our daughter to her parents for the past week which has killed me. But I got to see them both tonight for about an hour and a half since I am at work. We spoke and I told her that I am sorry more than she knows and that I mean it when I say I'm gonna get the help I need and change for the good. I also said that I understand why she can't believe me and that I just want the chance to show her. She says that she thinks that I can change. She says that she will always love me but just does not know if she can ever get romantic feelings back due to what has happened. I understand that but also think that maybe she doesn't want to try to get them back since that would open her up to being hurt again (which I WILL NOT allow to happen again). I asked if she would like to go to counseling with me and she said yes but not yet. That is fine with me. When she is ready to go with me, I will be grateful and hope that maybe the counselor will be able to help us both. The counselor I am seeing was recommended by her mother who is a psychologist who does marriage counseling as well as trauma/PTSD work. She says I can come over whenever I want to see our daughter and can "hang out as long as you would like". I hope this is at least a glimmer of a chance that maybe we can work through this.

Would it be bad to ask her to go out to dinner this Thursday since that would be the 6th year anniversary since our first date? I thought about trying to recreate our first date maybe to remind her of the good times we have had.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

handrew said:


> Would it be bad to ask her to go out to dinner this Thursday since that would be the 6th year anniversary since our first date? I thought about trying to recreate our first date maybe to remind her of the good times we have had.


If you presented it to her the right way, I think it would be fine. Say if she'd like, you would like to go out to dinner with her since the anniversary of your first date means the world to you...it brought you your child. Stress to her that she doesn't have to say yes, you'll understand if she turns you down, and that there are no expectations of your night out together if she says yes...just a nice night. If she declines, take it gracefully....she may not be ready yet.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

handrew said:


> Would it be bad to ask her to go out to dinner this Thursday since that would be the 6th year anniversary since our first date? I thought about trying to recreate our first date maybe to remind her of the good times we have had.



If it's something that you two usually celebrate, then you might want to invite her out to lunch or dinner. I wouldn't mention the anniversary or make a big deal out of it--I would just invite her as a friend. That way neither of you has to be alone that day, but it won't put pressure on her. And if everything ends up working out, she may remember that you didn't let a special day fall by the wayside.


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