# argument about condoms



## rumen.hristov (Mar 5, 2013)

hello to all,

I just want to ask for advice on my decision here. Recently me and my soon to be wife(currently fey once) had to decide on some sort of a birth control, as she does not feel ready for a baby in the next 3-4 years. I respect her decision and agree that we could wait for her to be over with university(I am in my final year). So we talked for a while and she decided that the most effective option is the pill. I had offered different methods, but she completely refused them, going as far as even throwing the condom off the list for its incomplete effectiveness. So I settled down with her decision, as I am not completely happy with her on the pill(due to side effects and possible risks mainly). It is now about 2 months later and she comes up to me saying that it is only fair for her to use the pill if I was to wear a condom and she's literally forcing me to be wearing it. We are not having sex currently, as we both want to wait after we get married in August. The problem is that I absolutely resent the idea of condoms in marriage. I do not believe that married people should be wearing condoms unless medical reasons make it a necessity. Her forcing me to wear a condom completely kills my entire desire for sex and I'm starting to look at it as an obstacle that we just have to go around, instead of something beautiful and pleasure-providing. I am now considering my final word on it. I wonder whether or not I should just tell her that I am not going to have sex with her at all if she's expecting me to have a condom, or to tell her that I am willing to be there for her when she wants it, but I will abstain from intercourse. One thing is for sure, I will not put that thing on me, the rest I am still not sure about. I'll be happy to hear what you think or how you'd go about a situation like that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thinking... You two are in for a rough marriage. Your communication/compromise techniques suck.

Condoms aren't the end of the world. But are you guys going to use condoms AND her being on the pill? Seems like a bit of overkill. Otherwise, let her go on the pill, if she's willing to do that. If there's side effects, deal with it at that time. Otherwise, shut up and wear the condom. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

FWIW the pill and condoms have roughly equal effectiveness.

But as the pp said you guys have other issues to deal with. Start the marriage as you intend to live it, if you are having issues pre marriage that will only amplify after marriage.


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## rumen.hristov (Mar 5, 2013)

Yes, I agree with both of you. The thing is that we do get along very well, but there exist a couple of matters that we just don't seem to be able to settle as grown people. This is one of them. Besides those things it is all great. I love her with all my existence and I am not going to just give up on her. Not for something like that, not for anything else. It sure would be great if we could settle those things, however.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I feel as you do, and would absolutely resent wearing a condom with my wife. I also wouldn't be interested in starting a marriage on a sexless note. Maybe you two just aren't compatible. IMO your fiance is putting a huge damper on sex from the very beginning. I guess you need to decide just how important sex in marriage is to you.

Assuming she is a virgin, do you have any idea what her sex drive is? Does she battle internally to remain a virgin? What are the chances that she's bringing up the BC issues just to put you off from having sex? Because honestly from what you wrote I don't get the impression that she's a virgin bride who is looking forward to getting her sex life started.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

rumen.hristov said:


> So we talked for a while and she decided that the most effective option is the pill.
> 
> she completely refused them, going as far as even throwing the condom off the list for its incomplete effectiveness.
> 
> she comes up to me saying that it is only fair for her to use the pill if I was to wear a condom and she's literally forcing me to be wearing it.


Let me be sure I understand this correctly.

You both agree that the best form of birth control is for her to be on the pill. Your wife doesn't believe condoms are effective, and yet she wants you to wear one for absolutely no other reason than because since she's on the pill, it's only fair for you to have to suffer in some way?

This is wacked


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

rumen.hristov said:


> So we talked for a while and she decided that the most effective option is the pill.


My wife and I discovered that hormonal birth control (i.e. the Pill) is not a silver bullet. It screwed with her sex drive, leaving her with very little desire for sex, or enjoyment of sex. It was very literally a poison pill for our marriage. After we started researching why she had no drive, we learned that it's a very well kept secret that women on the pill often have no desire for sex. The pamphlets never told us that (read those, by the way, as they tell you important things like the fact that antibiotics interfere with the pill).

We switched to an IUD, and wound up pregnant even though the device was "in place".

I didn't like condoms, but her sex drive was fantastic while she wasn't using the pill. After a few years I got frustrated with them and hated them. There was always the temptation to screw first and put one on as things neared their climax. We didn't get pregnant that way, but we easily could have.

After some health problems forced our hand, my wife had a hysterectomy. Birth control is no longer an option for us, but we have two kids and are happy. I have since learned a lot about Natural Family Planning, in which the two of you are both involved in monitoring her fertility. All of the couples that I have talked to about it who use it are thrilled with it. Google it for statistics. You might only have to use condoms when you're "near" her fertility, and then you can ejaculate inside of her at other times.

Edited to add a link for you. http://americanpregnancy.org/preventingpregnancy/fertilityawarenessNFP.html

Good luck


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## rumen.hristov (Mar 5, 2013)

I can't really make up my mind into accepting an idea like her wanting me to suffer, but yes. She says that since she's on the pill it is only fair if I also wear the condom. I once offered that she doesn't take the pill and rather have just me wearing a condom if she's so persistent about the condom(even though I highly resent the idea). I thought that maybe I can have her not taking the pill, as I don't really like that as well(as I mentioned, I don't like it for the possible side effects on her body) and I am ready to wear a condom if she doesn't take the pill. But no, she did not accept it, as she says that the condom is still not as effective as the pill. So she is persistent that we both use a birth-control method, only mine is not for its actual reason, but just because she's on the pill, I have to wear a condom. This is exactly what I dislike about the entire matter. 

Thanks for the suggestion on family planning. I am somewhat familiar with that and with the cycle times and monitoring. But that did not even stand a slightest chance in our conversation.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Ask her to start charting her fertility now, while you aren't having sex and have several months before your wedding. If she discovers that her ovulation is very steady and predictable then you can use that information to make your choices.

One thing that couples seem to really enjoy about fertility awareness is that becoming familiar with her body and her fertitlity is quite intimate, even if you choose to use the pill or condoms once you're married.


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## rumen.hristov (Mar 5, 2013)

I certainly could ask her that one more time. I also offered to buy some sort of digital thermometer made specifically for catching the day of ovulation, so that we may do further charting. She did not reject my idea, but she just cut me out saying that this is playing with fire, which might actually be true to some extent. She does have very regular periods. I am saying this, because I remember 3 years ago she was having some huge issues with her periods being irregular. She would sometimes even skip them for a month, which was really stressful for her. Then she talked to a doctor and got prescribed some sort of a cream that she uses and ever since then things started to look much much better. I don't even think that she uses that cream any more, but her period is now very regular.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

rumen.hristov said:


> I can't really make up my mind into accepting an idea like her wanting me to suffer, but yes. She says that since she's on the pill it is only fair if I also wear the condom.


What's next, she's going to insist you stick a tampon in your butt for one week out of the month just because she's got to use one too?


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

rumen.hristov said:


> I can't really make up my mind into accepting an idea like her wanting me to suffer, but yes. She says that since she's on the pill it is only fair if I also wear the condom. I once offered that she doesn't take the pill and rather have just me wearing a condom if she's so persistent about the condom(even though I highly resent the idea). I thought that maybe I can have her not taking the pill, as I don't really like that as well(as I mentioned, I don't like it for the possible side effects on her body) and I am ready to wear a condom if she doesn't take the pill. But no, she did not accept it, as she says that the condom is still not as effective as the pill. So she is persistent that we both use a birth-control method, only mine is not for its actual reason, but just because she's on the pill, I have to wear a condom. This is exactly what I dislike about the entire matter.
> 
> Thanks for the suggestion on family planning. I am somewhat familiar with that and with the cycle times and monitoring. But that did not even stand a slightest chance in our conversation.


Sorry to be blunt, but this is... insane. If she's going to play games like this now, I'd take a step back and reconsider what you're getting into. 

I HATED being on the pill, I really do. But I would never dream of 'punishing' my partner with condoms if I was already doing some form of BC. It's not necessary and it's not what goes on in a healthy relationship (in my opinion, anyway). 

With her seemingly bad attitude towards family planning as well, it sounds like there's something else going on here that you need to get to the bottom of. It sort of sounds like to me that she's terrified of getting pregnant and is planning on doing as much as possible to prevent that, even if it means going to extremes. I can't stand the thought of having a kid, and I never felt totally 'safe' on the pill either, so if that is the case I could see where she's coming from, but she needs to stop playing stupid games and be upfront with you about it.


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## rumen.hristov (Mar 5, 2013)

This is absolutely correct. She has said that to me in the past. She absolutely does not want a kid before we are both out of university and at least one or two years have passed by. But I have nothing against this choice of hers. I share it as well, although I wouldn't really be terrified about it if she was to get pregnant. In fact I wouldn't be at all. I can support my family, it just would turn over some of our plans, but that's all. She however, is really terrified by the thought. I myself have wondered if her wanting me to wear a condom is really out of "equality" or just a further unspoken birth-control measure that she likes to have... I still don't know the answer to that question.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

rumen.hristov said:


> This is absolutely correct. She has said that to me in the past. She absolutely does not want a kid before we are both out of university and at least one or two years have passed by. But I have nothing against this choice of hers. I share it as well, although I wouldn't really be terrified about it if she was to get pregnant. In fact I wouldn't be at all. I can support my family, it just would turn over some of our plans, but that's all. She however, is really terrified by the thought. I myself have wondered if her wanting me to wear a condom is really out of "equality" or just a further unspoken birth-control measure that she likes to have... I still don't know the answer to that question.


Obviously I don't know her, but it sounds like to me that it's more of a BC measure than anything. She doesn't trust pills and she doesn't trust condoms, but together they miiiiight be ok. It's good to be cautious if you know you don't want a child right away, but I think you should definitely have a chat with her about how she's going about the whole thing.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> but it sounds like to me that it's more of a BC measure than anything. She doesn't trust pills and she doesn't trust condoms, but together they miiiiight be ok


Just because idea makes sense doesn't mean that's why she's doing it. He made a point of saying she's doing it out of "perceived fairness" nothing about combined effectiveness.


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## rumen.hristov (Mar 5, 2013)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> Obviously I don't know her, but it sounds like to me that it's more of a BC measure than anything.
> 
> I think you should definitely have a chat with her about how she's going about the whole thing.


This now got me thinking even more about the problem. I am starting to get convinced that this really is just some sort of a game, and the real cause is that she wants to take all possible measures. But we might as well just not have sex, just to be on the safe side, right... Anyway, I am certainly going to talk to her and bring the question up whether it's the silly "fairness" thing or is it a BC matter. Thanks for the heads-up.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

pplwatching said:


> After some health problems forced our hand, my wife had a hysterectomy. Birth control is no longer an option for us, but we have two kids and are happy. I have since learned a lot about Natural Family Planning, in which the two of you are both involved in monitoring her fertility. All of the couples that I have talked to about it who use it are thrilled with it. Google it for statistics. You might only have to use condoms when you're "near" her fertility, and then you can ejaculate inside of her at other times.
> 
> Edited to add a link for you. Fertility Awareness: Natural Family Planning (NFP) - American Pregnancy Association
> 
> Good luck


I can't take the Pill for medical reasons and neither my husband or I liked condoms. I did NFP for years. Both for prevention and then when we were trying to conceive. Its easy to learn and easy to practice and is used in many countries where chemical birth control and condoms are hard to get. I highly recommend you both look into it.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Run Forrest, RUN!

This is manipilative BS. If she is acting this way before marriage, think what life will be after!

Good luck!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Have u ever used a condom before?
Is it really that bad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Have u ever used a condom before?
> Is it really that bad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you? Lol


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I was just asking the question because the OP said they have t had sex yet, so rightly or wrongly I'm assuming he's a virgin.
I'm a child of the 80s when wearing a condom was drummed into us because of the risk of AIDS. My H wore a condom when we first got together and for about a year into our marriage until I went on the pill.
It was a genuine question, just wondering what experience the OP had of condoms to be so dead against them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Have u ever used a condom before?
> Is it really that bad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.

Yes.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I wonder if a woman would feel any difference if she masturbated with a surgical glove on?

I'm truly curious.


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## rumen.hristov (Mar 5, 2013)

No, I have never used a condom yet. Hopefully won't need to. And we have not had sexual intercourse yet. Both of us are still virgins.

The problem is not with the condom-wearing, but more like it makes me feel disgusting about myself(as if I was an STD transmitter) and besides if we were to have a baby, which we clearly wont, so long as she's on the pill, it would be our own child INSIDE a normal marriage situation, for Christ sakes. But, anyway. If she agrees to not be on the pill, I will wear the thing for her.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

If you are sure she doesn't want kids do NOT use the family planning method. I have a couple more than average all due to this method but one. Cycles vary and there are no guarantees.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

On the surface her request is odd and even sounds vengeful. 

She is obviously not happy about altering her body chemistry. I can understand that. I had a lot of problems with BC pills and ended up not being able to use them.

As others have mentioned, they can seriously decrease a woman's sex drive. Then she becomes the evil wife who does not want sex. Well that's what happens when a woman takes a drug that kills the sex drive. She ends up with little to no sex drive.. duh. And she might also be on premanent PMS as happens to some women. What a joy to have to live trough 

Maybe the two of you could do some experimenting. She's on the pill. You try condoms and make up your mind after you actually try them. Try other methods as well.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

rumen.hristov said:


> But we might as well just not have sex, just to be on the safe side, right...


Good luck... that's coming next!


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## rumen.hristov (Mar 5, 2013)

Ok, now the thing is I deeply love her and I don't want to force her into anything. If that's what's going to make her happy for now, then so it be. I will talk to her in a while again, but my mind is made up already. If her real reason is that she is scared of becoming pregnant at this point, I will abstain from intercourse and that's going to put an end to this problem for the current period of our life together. 

Thank you all for your suggestions and advice.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

my wife just had our second child.
19 months after our first child.
im getting snip snipped tommorow, actually.
takes a month (or so) for me to empty out my sperm (im a fast worker ok maybe a week lol).
in the interim, you better fkn believe im wearin a condom, buddy.
yes, they suck.
yes, they are a pain in the ass.
but then again, so is a pregnant wife.
OH.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

rumen.hristov said:


> Ok, now the thing is I deeply love her and I don't want to force her into anything. If that's what's going to make her happy for now, then so it be. I will talk to her in a while again, but my mind is made up already. If her real reason is that she is scared of becoming pregnant at this point, I will abstain from intercourse and that's going to put an end to this problem for the current period of our life together.
> 
> Thank you all for your suggestions and advice.


If your "compromise" is a sexless marriage, I predict an ugly end to it within 5 years. One of you is likely to cheat or get fed up and frustrated by the resentments.

C


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

rumen.hristov said:


> Ok, now the thing is I deeply love her and I don't want to force her into anything. If that's what's going to make her happy for now, then so it be. I will talk to her in a while again, but my mind is made up already. If her real reason is that she is scared of becoming pregnant at this point, I will abstain from intercourse and that's going to put an end to this problem for the current period of our life together.
> 
> Thank you all for your suggestions and advice.


As I suggested in PM, talk to the pastor (I assume he is the one doing your premarital counseling?), and if possible, find a way for your fiancee to speak with his wife. Really, any of the married ladies in the church would suffice. If that isn't possible, due to distance or something, help her find one of the ladies there with whom she would be comfortable speaking. There is no need to be sexless in your marriage until you are ready to have children. I understand why you are waiting to have sex until after you marry, so I won't suggest that you do ANYTHING to compromise your beliefs. But as I said to you before, my husband and I have used the pill, condoms, as well as basal body temperature charting. We didn't have any issues with any of those methods, and never used them all at the same time. Our last two children were 20 months apart (planned, but not QUITE so fast! lol), so each of those methods DO work, if used correctly.


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