# Would you date a reformed cheater?



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'll use myself for this quiz:

Okay, most of you know of my situation as a cheater (EA). Let's assume that I end up divorced.

After some time, I end up on a dating site seeking a companion. I make contact with another member and we meet for the first time. 

During the conversation, I'm asked how my marriage ended. I reply that I had an EA, very remorseful, adhered to all the rules of NC and boundaries, and worked on saving the marriage only to discover I was no longer in love with my spouse. So I decided that I needed to divorce since both marriage partners need to be in love for it to be a marriage.

If you were the other member, would you: 

1) Say "I don't think this is going to work" and leave?

2) Appreciate the truth, and hang around to learn more about me?

3) Other?

In your reply, please identify yourself as someone who had an affair, or a BS.

Thank you in advance for any replies received.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

I would choose door #1. Sorry.

I am neither a BS or a WS. Partly because I didn't date people whom I knew had cheated. Not worth the worry.


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## Guy66 (Nov 29, 2011)

BS here.

I would not be rude about it and just get up and walk out, but I would not pursue a serious relationship any further.

My wife has stomped my self confidence into the ground. I would be thinking "If she (you) could just stop loving her husband, then she could also stop loving me just the same." 

Maybe over time, I might be able to gain some of the confidence back and continue the potential relationship, but right now, I wouldn't take the chance.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

WS

Maybe the answer is not to volunteer it so early in the relationship? Wait until you get a feel for each other, he can get a judge on you as a person and not judge you pre-maturely based on a mistake from your past (as long as you aren't a serial cheater)

I didn't spill my guts to my now husband until almost 2 years in (which was probably a bit too long) as we were planning the wedding. I could just not marry him without telling him everything. Didn't feel it was fair to him. He said that he wasn't going to judge me based on what was in my past, especially since I didn't have to tell him, and that he knew what kind of person I really was based on our 2 years together, and having learned what my 1st marriage had really been like.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I would appreciate your honesty but given what I have already been put through, it would create major trust issues for me, and I would back out.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

And based on responses..it may depend on whether the person your dating has ever been cheated on before. I think that would play a big part in some peoples decisions.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I met my now H in an MLC chatroom. He is a reformed cheater, and having talked/chatted with him for a year.... I'd select door #2. There is more to a person than that. Hard to explain I guess... If you believe yourself to be a good person, someone will "get it".

Edited to add: We've been together six years now, and life is goooooooooooooood!!!


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

As a BS I wouldn't take the chance. I'd probably be upfront right away and thank you for your honesty, but explain that due to my history I'm not a good candidate for you to date.

I can also answer this question based on my experience with a boyfriend I dated for six years during and after college. From the very begining I knew he had cheated on his longterm girlfriend in highschool. I discounted it because it happened in highschool, but it was always in the back of my mind that I knew he was capable of lying to his girlfriend's face. It's one of the reasons I could never see us getting married. I was convinced he'd have a mid-life crisis, cheat on me, then leave me for a younger woman. How ironic that I broke up with him, married someone else, and still almost ended up with the same scenario I feared. Only difference is that my husband didn't leave me and wants to R.

Anyway, I think it would take someone who has no past experience at all with infidelity to look past it in dating someone new who has cheated. I had no experience with it when I chose to go ahead and date my college boyfriend, but it haunted me. Perhaps if we had communicated better and were more mature, then maybe we could've worked it out and relieved my fears. Instead we both ignored it had ever happened, so I had no way to know if he had learned from his mistakes or was capable of making them again.

In hindsight, dating a reformed cheater could have advantages if the person learned from their past and wished to move forward while keeping a clear conscience. However, I think I'd be too gun shy now. Unless I felt a strong connection or deep attraction, my protective instincts would shut down a relationship with a confessed cheater quickly. Such a dilema, because confessing your EA makes you more likely to be someone who wants to be honest in a new relationship. I dunno, maybe it would depend on how you discussed it. Starting to sound like a catch-22, but an excellent question.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

No! Then again, are you gonna ask every potential mate if they've cheated? They could lie. You will never really know something like that. It takes a real honest person to admit to that character flaw.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Given my experience growing up with a cheating father, i would gently decline. 

However, if your question is based on what your experience might be if dating were in your future, I don't think you can take this survey to heart. Remember where you are, lots of betrayed spouses here.

In the real world, you will find many women who will judge you on the basis of your character. Then again, not all women place meaning on issues of fidelity in previous relationships. So you will find women who believe in redemption and those that are too naive to know any better. 

Anyway, you have about a 45% chance that she will cheat on you (women do you know) maybe even higher because you may be more acceptable to former cheaters and you know what they say about them.


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

BS here. A reformed cheater would be an "improved cheater" which has removed all the faults that caused cheating in the first place.

I think of it more like a "dry" alcoholic which will never be cured of the addiction completely. There is always the chance of a relapse and therefore it would be very difficult for me, especially as a BS, to build a healthy relationship with trust again. The fear of a potential relapse and dealing with the consequences would be too big to handle.

It might be different in a cheater - cheater scenario.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

As much as I would think I would decline - I also think that it depends on the character that you have developed. Remember, its a dating relationship - not a marriage yet - you would date for long enough time to determine if the character and maturity had developed enough to match the confessed error of the past.

I do think all who have erred deserve a chance, but its a matter of how long of time do you need to evaluate the person's integrity and character,

Not sure how many Dr Laura fans there are on here, but she recommends a year and half or so at the minimum to determine that. In my opinion, a person upfront about it at the beginning is showing the character and integrity to let you know what you are dealing with. that is admirable. Now, you date them to determine that the risk of continued relationship is worth the matching actions. 

Remember, human nature is always risky. You could get two non-cheaters to marry (second marriages to each other) and still end up with one being a cheater for first time (like Sham's situation - assuming his W wasn't dishonest about not being the cheater in her first marriage).


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> a person upfront about it at the beginning is showing the character and integrity to let you know what you are dealing with.


I've read on other forums that some of these "reformed" cheaters are of the mantra "_my past doesn't define me_," and feel it unnecessary to divulge such things. What do you guys say to that?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Well - no one would know the better (except for later, if someone exposes the former cheater), if the former cheater did indeed develop character and integrity. Done right, shouldn't be a big deal down the road if it was exposed cause they've continued a solid display of it. 

I think it would be better up front though, so the person can't feel betrayed by not knowing and using it as an excuse to go down the cheating or abandonment path themselves.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

JustaJerk said:


> I've read on other forums that some of these "reformed" cheaters are of the mantra "_my past doesn't define me_," and feel it unnecessary to divulge such things. What do you guys say to that?


I would consider it a lie by omission if/when I discovered the truth. Now with my heightened awareness of infidelity, the topic would certainly be discussed and most likely more than once. If the person I was dating kept details of their past from me, especially when given plenty of opportunities to divulge or add input to the topic, I'd feel like they were trying to hide something.

If one hasn't been burned by infidelity they might be able to overlook such an omission, but I'm too sensitive to any behavior that seems deceitful now. If a cheater was truly remorseful and tried to R but failed, they would know how important the truth is to a BS. So they are the ones more likely to disclose their past in a new relationship. If I heard "my cheating doesn't define me, so that's why I didn't tell you" I'd run for the hills.

Having someone own their past and share all details of their life with you, even the ugly bits is preferable. It's the only way to have a more intimate relationship. Am I strong enough to handle it? Well, I'm trying with my own "reformed cheater" husband. Would I try it with somone new? Wouldn't want to, but depending on the circumstances it's possible I'd consider it.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

BS

This was definitely give me pause to think but the red flags would be up.

Unhappily, I can't give a definitive answer since it hasn't happened yet. However, red flags would be flying for me and I would probably erect a wall and be wary. Perhaps, I would not date you again. I would be thinking: no loyalty, a person that runs away from problems and untrustworthy.

Perhaps that's not fair. Just don't know at this point.


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> I've read on other forums that some of these "reformed" cheaters are of the mantra "_my past doesn't define me_,"


My soon to be Ex says this all the time on her Facebook. Yet she "has never cheated". yeah right...


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Hertoo, are you planning on getting a divorce?


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

The way I feel now - no way in hell. But then the way I feel now I believe all cheaters should be surgically sterilised, so I'm probably not in a good place to give advice


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Sindo: I'm not "planning" anything. I'm on the fence in limbo land. I also recognize that my wife has the same options. 

Thanks to all who replied. 

Some very good answers.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Don't see why not
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

No. Not knowingly.
It is a pattern of boundaries that tends to bite people in the butt.
Not that it isn't possible to learn from mistakes but I would bet it is more rare for people to learn from this one and to keep it learned for the rest of time.

So....

no.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I have , actually, faced this in two different dating situations. I was amazed, when I started dating again, just how many of the women I met had cheated or been OW's with married men in their pasts.
Since both my XW had been involved with married men, I see that as a real red flag.
I elected to. politely, not pursue the relarionships with these two women. although both were very attractive.
I felt that , for ,e, i needed very firm, arbitrary criteria as screening devices, since , apparently, I am just too trusting. I feelt there are just so many other, less tisky options, that, despite my feeling that people can and do change, I could not risk getting involved.
Infidelity is just so great a trauma that the stakes were too high.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

This is why I think character education is so important to impress upon people at a young age!


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I would select option 1 and say no thanks, but good luck in your future endeavors.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

It probably sounds very naive, but I'm the kind of person who is much more focused on what happens after we make mistakes. Without knowing more about your situation, it takes a lot of courage to own up to the mistake, try to help others on a site like this, and even stop an EA before it progresses further.

My advice would be to just get to know the other person for a while, if you were to find yourself single again. While I don't think its fair to keep silent until it progresses almost to marriage, I do think that your character will speak for itself. If you are hard enough on yourself to ask questions like this, that's a big indicator that you deserve a chance, in my opinion.


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

I guess dating would be so much easier if we could ask the other person "where is your cheat-fax". But unfortunately, we are not there yet.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

There is a web site called Cheaterville something. Their ads pop up on this web site from time to time.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I think that as I am now, no way. In the future, maybe I'll change my mind. I would definitely appreciate the honesty of any potential Lady friend telling me beforehand. It would be a sign of integrity and maturity, to me.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

HerToo said:


> If you were the other member, would you:
> 
> 1) Say "I don't think this is going to work" and leave?
> 
> ...


I'd appreciate the truth, and I'd finish the date. But at the end of the night I'd leave it at "good night". And if my date asked if we can meet again, I'd then say, "Well you seem like a nice person, but I've been betrayed before. Its nice you were honest about your EA, but I'll be honest, it doesn't sit too well with me"

So in conclusion, no, I wouldn't knowingly date a reformed, or otherwise, cheater.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TNgirl232 said:


> WS
> 
> Maybe the answer is not to volunteer it so early in the relationship? Wait until you get a feel for each other, he can get a judge on you as a person and not judge you pre-maturely based on a mistake from your past (as long as you aren't a serial cheater)


As someone who wouldn't want to date someone who hasn't been faithful in the past, I'd resent not being told sooner. I don't like my time wasted, and I don't want someone to make me think they are this wonderful person, THEN later tell me when I have wasted my emotions and opened up to her.


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