# I'm so unbelievable angry right now



## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

Over the last few years, I guess it is, my sex drive is dying. I don't know why exactly. I'm sure it's me. Whether it's emotional or physical I'm not sure. Maybe it's both. Anywho...I've basically just let my husband do it and I encourage him and he's okay with that. And he does just fine sexually. 

But when I do manage to get horny (which is probably about once every couple of months now) he goes freakin' limp on me!! What the heck?? It's happened five times now. He says give him a chance. Five times is more than a chance to me. But why does he go limp when I want it? I really, really don't understand. Is he thinking of someone else? I can't imagine that with him. The man has little to no imagination. But maybe? Am I that bad of a wife? I know you all don't know, just...makes me wonder and feel like it. 

It's three in the morning where I am. I'm so mad right now I can't sleep.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm not a man, so I can't really say... but it sounds like performance anxiety to me.

He has 6 opportunities a year to make love to his wife. To rock her world. Do you have any idea how much pressure that is?? Mental pressure like that directly affects his ability to maintain an erection (the further he is from age 18, the more affected).

In your position, I would work to stimulate my sex drive. At the very least, I would learn to please him in MANY different ways. Involve yourself in his sex life regularly (more than a warm body) so that when you decide you want to reallllly be involved, it will feel more natural to him.

Sex is more a game of imagination and seduction than purely physical - even for men. Have fun with it. Decide to rock his world next time he is aroused and you're not. Chances are, you will be aroused and not pass on the next round... 

... janie ...


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

orangyred said:


> And he does just fine sexually.


Don't delude yourself.

*Men love to please their women.*

A warm body is better than a sex toy any day, but a passionate lover is pure male fantasy. He wants more. Promise.

... janie ...


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## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

never thought of him having performance anxiety.  thanks for the advice too, Janie.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I don't mean to be flippant but: How is anger gonna help this situation?

You didn't offer many details...but in general this is a pretty sensitive issue for men...so if overall you consider your husband a "good guy"...don't get angry...that's very self-defeating.

I also hope you didn't make him feel worse about this

One more point: Not everything is about YOU. 

So please don't stay awake thinking about poor ME, ME, ME

Try for some understanding and sympathy, and think about how you can *help your *husband overcome *HIS* problem

You will most likely find this a more constructive (and ultimately rewarding) approach

Best of luck


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

It is typical (exceptions exist) that men have a higher sex drive than women. Unequal sex drives and/or lack of attraction cause serious problems in many marriages. 

The easiest way for a woman to handle this in her marriage is to *understand* and *accept* (and even embrace...?) his stronger drive AND have a strong desire to *please* him. 

This is your MAN. Part of being a MAN - and we all know this from childhood on - is a strong sex drive. Do you want that MANly part of him gone? Offering a warm body only will kill that part of him and his love for you.

His body - the body of the man you love - is your wonderland. You have the ability to explore it, learn it, understand it... master it. You can take away stress and offer comfort/love/pleasure to this man you love and he will adore you for it. Don't pass up these opportunities to show him your love for him. 

... janie ...


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

orangyred said:


> Over the last few years, I guess it is, my sex drive is dying. I don't know why exactly. I'm sure it's me. Whether it's emotional or physical I'm not sure. Maybe it's both. Anywho...I've basically just let my husband do it and I encourage him and he's okay with that. And he does just fine sexually.
> 
> But when I do manage to get horny (which is probably about once every couple of months now) he goes freakin' limp on me!! What the heck?? It's happened five times now. He says give him a chance. Five times is more than a chance to me. But why does he go limp when I want it? I really, really don't understand. Is he thinking of someone else? I can't imagine that with him. The man has little to no imagination. But maybe? Am I that bad of a wife? I know you all don't know, just...makes me wonder and feel like it.
> 
> It's three in the morning where I am. I'm so mad right now I can't sleep.


As a man reading this, I could paraphrase it to say that you don't like to have sex with your husband except five or six times per year. In other words, I think that there is a natural difference in how many men and women would view the same situation when it comes to their sex life. Couldn't help but wonder how you chose to believe that he is fine and happy with this, even against the natural tendencies of many men? Maybe he is verbalizing that it is okay, but his performance issues suggest otherwise. I think that this could be an opportunity to begin understanding some of the differences between men and women regarding sex. Through that, maybe he'll learn more about you, and both of you can grow to overcome some of the problems that have led the relationship to this place.

What I'm getting at is that it might be normal for a man to try to find enjoyment during those encounters, even with mutual fufillment that is as infrequent as this, because he may want you to share in mutual fulfillment much more. There is a lot of incentive, in my opinion, within this situation to make him put a tremendous amount of pressure on himself, knowing that he has so few windows of opportunity. Keep in mind that he may be thinking about it every day, though, wondering about the frequency and what it says about him. Its very likely that he wants more of it, but it wouldn't seem wise to say otherwise if his wife is convinced that he should be happy with this situation. But at this frequency, how likely is it that he, as a man and a person, thinks that he really has anything to do with the infrequent desire to have sex? Have you discussed this with him? Does he think that you just want sex, and he is your husband, and only option? For some men, the thinking is that if our wife is really attracted to us, sex is a natural desire. If someone lets him have it every two to three months, there is just so much rejection to overcome before he can even begin to try to think about making it a positive experience that may make you want it more. As a couple, you could learn to break down these gender-based assumptions. 

It would be great if his desired frequency was also this low. But if not, my point is that meaningful communication and understanding is critical.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

What happens when he goes limp? Are you rushing him? Being too rough with your hands or a BJ? Do you criticize or mock him? I would gently explore with him what he is thinking. If you can both have an honest discussion about feelings, you may get to the root of this, and find a path to reviving the spark in your marriage.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Time for some extra foreplay, a more understanding attitude and a doctor's visit. Perhaps some Cialis as well. 

My husband goes limp sometimes if our bedroom is too hot and he is sweating a lot. We bring an extra fan in and I lovingly caress his genitals with my hands and mouth. Brings him back every time.


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## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

thanks all for the comments. I know I sounded super selfish when I wrote this, but I do really feel that I've tried really hard to please him over the years even if I can't get excited. Halien, he has mentioned he likes it when I'm excited about it too (and thanks for the other insight). I just don't know what is wrong with my sex drive. Others gave good ideas. Also, tried the doctor about low sex drive and they basically ignored me. 

Anywho...just hurt when I finally got excited and then he wasn't (or whatever it might be). 

Thanks again for the insight, all, I'll read these again later and no doubt pick up on more I can try.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

orangyred said:


> thanks all for the comments. I know I sounded super selfish when I wrote this, but I do really feel that I've tried really hard to please him over the years even if I can't get excited. Halien, he has mentioned he likes it when I'm excited about it too (and thanks for the other insight). I just don't know what is wrong with my sex drive. Others gave good ideas. Also, tried the doctor about low sex drive and they basically ignored me.
> 
> Anywho...just hurt when I finally got excited and then he wasn't (or whatever it might be).
> 
> Thanks again for the insight, all, I'll read these again later and no doubt pick up on more I can try.


I wasn't trying to suggest that there is something wrong with your sex drive, so I'm sorry. You feel what you feel. I was hoping to show you that he could be seeing the situation from a dramatically different perspective. Knowing that, we gain new perspective. There may be parts of his sexual identity that he could do a much better job of showing you. Things like how you inspire feelings in him that no other could. My wife and I learned that it isn't easy at all to understand each other. She responds to things that other's don't, I'm sure, so I had to learn with open eyes beyond my own assumptions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

orangyred said:


> Over the last few years, I guess it is, my sex drive is dying. I don't know why exactly. I'm sure it's me. Whether it's emotional or physical I'm not sure. Maybe it's both. Anywho...I've basically just let my husband do it and I encourage him and he's okay with that. And he does just fine sexually.
> 
> But when I do manage to get horny (which is probably about once every couple of months now) he goes freakin' limp on me!! What the heck?? It's happened five times now. He says give him a chance. Five times is more than a chance to me. But why does he go limp when I want it? I really, really don't understand. Is he thinking of someone else? I can't imagine that with him. The man has little to no imagination. But maybe? Am I that bad of a wife? I know you all don't know, just...makes me wonder and feel like it.
> 
> It's three in the morning where I am. I'm so mad right now I can't sleep.


What do you mean by "just let my husband do it and I encourage him and he's okay with that. And he does just fine sexually. ". He has to masturbate other than the 6 times a year that you happen to want sex? I just want some clarification before I wade in...

C


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## RevsDad (Jun 14, 2012)

Conrad&Janie said:


> It is typical (exceptions exist) that men have a higher sex drive than women. Unequal sex drives and/or lack of attraction cause serious problems in many marriages.
> 
> The easiest way for a woman to handle this in her marriage is to *understand* and *accept* (and even embrace...?) his stronger drive AND have a strong desire to *please* him.
> 
> ...


Bravo!!!!! :iagree: :smthumbup:


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think I would be kind of annoyed if I were in your husband's shoes. Like you want me now suddenly? Why? 
He probably feels pressured to perform and he's confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

orangyred, if i got what you said correctly, you have sex but only enjoy it a handful of times a year. If that is so, the differences of the way you act can have something to do with it. Are you more aggressive? Do you communicate? What do you say?

If your husband has no physical problem it's all in his mind.


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## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

correct, we have sex frequently, but I only enjoy it a few times a year. we have talked about it. in fact, that is how I found out he was okay with me "encouraging" him. I told him flat out it feels like I'm lying when I'm not in the mood, but he says that is okay. and it seems to work for him.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

but how can you be mad about something that he has no control over? 
Believe me, a man who cannot maintain an erection is not doing this deliberately!!! IMHO - He is probably mortified about it and you being angry can only make it worse.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

orangyred said:


> correct, we have sex frequently, but I only enjoy it a few times a year. we have talked about it. in fact, that is how I found out he was okay with me "encouraging" him. I told him flat out it feels like I'm lying when I'm not in the mood, but he says that is okay. and it seems to work for him.


I agree with others. Likely you act different when you "want it" than when you don't, so to him, it's suddenly 'game on' when you want it. He likely sees this as a chance to wow you in the hopes that great sex will impress you enough to be in the mood again in the future, and this pressure is just to much for him.

I had the same issue with my now ex-wife. She rarely wanted sex, so the odd time she initiated (and it was less than six times a year) I felt like I had to basically rate an 11 on a scale of 1-10 in order to get her more interested in sex.

Needless to say I wasn't exactly impressed with my own performance either.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

The more you think, the worse you do


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## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

all your thoughts really helped, peoples. really did. feeling much, much better. we talked about it and hopefully next time is better.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If you're going to treat him like a machine you flip the switch on, be consistent., It's confusing and frustrating to be treated humanely a small part of the time, and a lawnmower the other 95% of the time. And not just emotionally either, but physically too.


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