# First infidelity in 11 years married life



## jasongsng

Hi all. I am having trouble sleeping after finding out the incident myself through cameras in the store we have. I try to keep it short but I really want to share the details so you can give me good advice. 

Seeing a guy I respected so much touching my wife really make me sick. he is my friends father who helps our family alot. He has been a good husband to my friend's mom for 40 something years. Since it can only happen in the store I can assume they didn't have any sexual relationship for sure which is fortunate but to reveal the whole affair by watching the cameras was tough. Those making out images would always be on my mind. My wife has confessed and totally felt sorry for what she did. 

However it took twice for her to admit the whole affair. At first she was just saying massaging and limited physical contact because I only saw them massaging in recent clip. But when I dug out more previous clips showing the making out scene she confessed she had an emotional affair with him at one moment but got out of hand. The scene I saw was he tried to get close to her when she sat down on a chair, kissed her on the cheek and then tried to kiss her on the lips. Kind of forcing the action. 

She tried to avoid but then could not resist at the end. It was very disgusting because he is 65 and my wife is 39 only. We treated him like parents. And they were doing this in my store when there was no customers around. 

Trying to hide under the camera but their head motion some how got recorded. The system cannot save the videos for more than a month so that was all I could see. Our uncle would come once in awhile to see if we need any help because we used to bought a store business from them and they taught us how to run. 

My wife said it all began on one time she felt upset and stressed with no one to talk to because I was busy and when she got home I was either sleeping or watching tv and when uncle was there he listened to her and comfort her. And then the physical contact started. I am not sure when it started and how long it lasted but my wife said she soon realized it was not right at the end. She did not want that to ruin our marriage and our family. 

So she wanted to end this and told him not to show up at the store help us anymore. The clip I saw was pretty much the last time they did the thing with my wife trying to avoid but could not resist successfully. Uncle then only showed up only twice the last month. The last time he was here I could tell my wife was going distant from him. But at the end somehow he convinced her into a massage session (probably some more kissing as they hid under the camera for more than half an hour with no customers coming in). What really upset me was looking at the time, I was only an hour away going back to the store to take over my wife shift. 

I was supposed to be an hour earlier but my car has tire problem and I took it to dealership wasted an hour of waiting. I called my wife about that. So they knew when I was going to be back to the store. I don't know why but when I arrived the store that day, I started to feel suspicious for the first time as I saw them dispersed from one spot. So when she left the store, he would leave too as his wife is at home not knowing where he went. I flipped through the camera system and thats how the whole thing got exposed.

This is only one time in our 11 years marriage. We have 3 kids and the fact that we had been through alot since we met and got married. We both would like to start it over as we realized we love each other so much. Its a very long journey that we came together and being together for so long, not to mentioned that we moved alot from places to places together. 

This last week since she confessed we were like fell in love again and everything feels like 12 years ago when we first met. Even our sex life was rejuvenated. She promised she will not do it again as we are going to get rid of the store this year for sure. Uncle knew I found out and I made sure I expressed my anger to him with texting, told him not to come to our store or meet with our family ever. She doesn't want me to share this with anyone we know but herself and promised she will support me no matter what. I love her, so am I suppose to keep it to myself? 
How am I going to live through those images in my mind?


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## MJJEAN

So the first time you caught your wife cheating, not to be confused with how much she actually has cheated, you decided to stay with her, enjoy some hysterical bonding, and turn a blind eye? Because that's what this sounds like.


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## Ursula

Sorry, was this with a family friend or with a family member (an Uncle)? I'm lost and confused, but either way, this is a sick situation. Tread carefully and I would watch her movements carefully. Don't let her be in the store alone!


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## Andy1001

You expressed your anger through text? WTF!! Go to his house and face him like a man and call him the backstabbing bastard that he is. And let his wife know what he’s up to. Maybe she has the courage that you lack and will sort out this mess.
And tell your wife that her days of telling you how to handle her cheating are over. She’s in control and her telling you how to behave shows exactly how much respect she has for you. 
Are you honestly this timid? Is self esteem something you’ve ever heard about?


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## Yeswecan

She confessed because she got caught. It would still be going on if you did not see the tapes. Get the smoke out of your eyes. There is more going on here you are willing to overlook.


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## StillSearching

" She promised she will not do it again"
I've seen this before.

OP, your maelstrom has just begun. 
DO NOT listen to her words. Watch her actions.
Work on you, do not concern yourself with her, until you are in a better mental state.
Read "12 Rules for Life" start today to make a better tomorrow. 
Then evaluate your marriage. 

I'd reiterate, a WW must be filed on to Reconcile properly. 
We are not the same.....do not confuse yourself with pipe dreams..
Women love opportunistically
Men love idealistically.


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## Mr.Married

Check her cell phone bill. You might be in for a surprise.


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## BluesPower

jasongsng said:


> This is only one time in our 11 years marriage. We have 3 kids and the fact that we had been through alot since we met and got married. We both would like to start it over as we realized we love each other so much. Its a very long journey that we came together and being together for so long, not to mentioned that we moved alot from places to places together.
> This last week since she confessed we were like fell in love again and everything feels like 12 years ago when we first met. Even our sex life was rejuvenated. She promised she will not do it again as we are going to get rid of the store this year for sure. Uncle knew I found out and I made sure I expressed my anger to him with texting, told him not to come to our store or meet with our family ever. She doesn't want me to share this with anyone we know but herself and promised she will support me no matter what. I love her, so am I suppose to keep it to myself?
> How am I going to live through those images in my mind?


What you should be saying is that you caught her. 

Here is what you know, not very much. 

In fact, you know next to nothing. And you texted the *******, instead of kicking his ass? Are you kidding me? 

I mean how weak of a man are you that you cannot kick a 65 YO man's ass that deserves an ass whipping if anyone ever did? 

I mean, dude, is this how you live your life??????

Look, go confront the creep like a man and tell him that if he steps one foot around your wife or family, that is the end of him. Good Grief...

Next your real problem, your cheating wife. 

Schedule a polygraph for her, do not tell her, and file for divorce at the same time... 

I mean what are you thinking??? You think this is any way to live your life? 

Get a clue and take charge of your life, and get ready for a divorce, because she has been screwing him most likely...


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## Sparta

It’s just Ripped me apart.! OP why do you Insist on coming off so weak and such a non-masculine husband. I mean what do you want your wife to do take your place as the man.? Please take charge be a man take back charge of this whole F*** up situation show some anger show some emotion. Let these people know that they f***ed with the wrong man. If you act like a man you might turn your wife on. She 
might evening start respecting you and acting like a wife should, it might be too late for that. So start taking advice from the good people of TAM. From here on out.


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## Taxman

Sir, you need to expose the old man and your wife. Sorry, you are experiencing hysterical bonding. You are remarking your territory on her. However the dirty old man needs to be exposed if not excoriated by his wife and children. Your wife needs some consequences. Maybe she needs a time-out, say away from you, so that she can contemplate the destruction that she was well on the way to doing.


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## bandit.45

> This is only one time in our 11 years marriage.


No. Most likely not.


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## TBT

Your syntax in some of your post gives me the impression that your first language isn't English. If that's the case,can you clarify whether the other man is your friend's father or your uncle. Sorry that you find yourself on this forum for this reason.


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## BluesPower

bandit.45 said:


> No. Most likely not.


Yeah, I was going to say that as well, but I was showing restraint... 

Not sure he is ready for that yet???


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## Marc878

You may only know the "tip of the iceberg". I got news for you if they were making out in public it's a good bet they were doing more in private.

You're a typical betrayed spouse wanting to believe it's just an EA. It's easier living in denial so you don't have to deal with the full truth.

The other thing is you should inform his wife and your family. Ban him from your life permanently. Helping hide their affair very often enables it further.

Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll end. She may just have been avoiding him in public. Now that you've forewarned him he'll have enough time to develop a good cover story. Hence, id keep copies of the tapes before your wife destroys them.

You need to wake up to reality. Stop making excuses for your wayward wife. There isn't any


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## Diana7

She is sorry she got caught and she is blaming everyone but herself. She is not repentant. This needs to be exposed at the very least to the mans poor wife. She needs to know what sort of man she is married to.


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## MattMatt

What kind of business do you have? If you divorce can it be sold?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

You only know a bit. Think of an iceberg. 10% you see 90% remains hidden.


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## jlg07

Expose this POSOM -- tell his wife/kids, YOUR family, etc.. His wife deserves to know what a POS he is. Also, expose to your WIFES family, etc.. She is trying to minimize what happened, but she isn't repentant -- she is trying to get you to rug sweep and just forget all about it -- see, we are SO GOOD now, let's not mess that up. BS -- SHE needs to take ownership of what she did.
You should get her to take a polygraph, investigate her phone/texting/online activities, etc.. I bet you don't know everything yet.


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## Wolfman1968

jasongsng said:


> *However it took twice for her to admit the whole affair. At first she was just saying massaging and limited physical contact because I only saw them massaging in recent clip. But when I dug out more previous clips showing the making out scene she confessed she had an emotional affair with him at one moment but got out of hand.* The scene I saw was he tried to get close to her when she sat down on a chair, kissed her on the cheek and then tried to kiss her on the lips. Kind of forcing the action.


I think your statement here is a key issue.

She only confessed to what you knew about. She let the confession come through bit by bit as you discovered more. 

Think about it; if someone is REALLY remorseful, they would confess ALL. When all you hear from a confession is the activity that you already knew from your videos, then how can you be sure that there isn't more?

If you read some of the experiences of others in this forum, you will find out that in almost every case like this, there is more. 

The slow, controlled revealing of the truth, typically only to confirm what you already have evidence of, is called "Trickle-Truth", because it is like a trickle of water that comes out very slowly from a small leak, with the full extent of all the water supply hidden behind that leak.

Let me ask you:
How do you KNOW that there aren't additional incidents that weren't captured by the camera? What are the odds that the ONLY times they every engaged in activity it was caught on camera EVERY TIME? Or that the video did capture it, but it was lost after the 1 month of storage expired?

Please read other posted threads, especially in those under the "Coping with Infidelity" section. You will see many threads like yours where people have posted their experience, asking for help. You will learn much if you take the time to read them. The pattern is reproduced in almost ALL situations. Human behavior is predictable in these situations.

That is why the other posters say that there is likely more information to learn. That is why they say your wife's desire to hide the truth from family and friends is a bad sign. That is why the rejuvenated bonding with your wife that you seem to experience doesn't actually mean much. Because time and time again, the betrayed spouses found to their dismay that there was far, far more information hidden beneath the surface.

Please learn from others' experiences. Otherwise, you may find some of the posts in your threat to seem harsh and judgmental. In reality, they are actually just posts representing the true reality of the collected experience of betrayed spouses. By reading other threads, you will gain incredible insight.


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## aine

Jason, you are now in shock and want all things to work out but what you are doing is rug sweeping and this will come back to haunt you many years later and she will not have had any consequences so it will be easier the next time.

1. Expose both of them to all family and friends. His wife must know about this. This will ensure they are both accountable.
2. Insist that she writes a letter to him saying he can no longer be near her or in the shop
3. Insist on a timeline written by her, I think there is more that went down that you do not know about.
4. Insist she goes for a STD test. YOU don't know whether she did or did not have sex. Let he see you mean business and will not be a weak man in handling your household or marriage. There should be no sex until this test is done. If you have been having mad passionate sex it will not last and is a result of the intensity of the trauma of potentially losing the marriage. A form of trauma bonding.
5. Tell her she must go for counselling to see why she allowed a 65 year old man threaten her marriage
6. Plan some MC for you both
7. Tell her, she has to do the leg work for you to fully reconcile. YOu will give her 6-8 months to prove to you that she is worthy of being married to.

Take control and do not give your control to her. She needs to do all these things.


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## Bibi1031

You are not reacting properly. You want all this mess to be a terrible dream but it is not. Your wife wants to keep this a secret and not have consequences for her terrible behavior. 

She let this happen. That old man didn't force her. She was selfish and hurt you and your three kids. SHAME on her, not you!

You did nothing to deserve such terrible betrayal. All the sex in the world you have with her does not erase HER choice to insert another man in your lives. She is not remorseful, she is doing damage control. She is trying to get away from consequences of cheating on her husband. 

Would you tell your son or daughter to take their cheating spouse back with no harsh and rightful consequences for being unfaithful? You would more than likely tell your son or daughter to throw their cheating spouse to the curb with the rest of the trash. Don't let her get away with what she has done to her family! You and your children deserved better. 

What a rotten thing to do to the family that loved and respected her. She threw it all away for a piece of **** old jerk that cheated on his own wife as well.


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## MaiChi

Andy1001 said:


> You expressed your anger through text? WTF!! Go to his house and face him like a man and call him the backstabbing bastard that he is. And let his wife know what he’s up to. Maybe she has the courage that you lack and will sort out this mess.
> And tell your wife that her days of telling you how to handle her cheating are over. She’s in control and her telling you how to behave shows exactly how much respect she has for you.
> Are you honestly this timid? Is self esteem something you’ve ever heard about?


The only person responsible for an affair is the person with a title of SPOUSE. the other people are only participants for reasons of getting what they can get from those who offer it. It you kiss someone you are not supposed to and you hide the fact and then do it again, you cannot claim someone outside the marriage is the one to blame.


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## Decorum

jasongsng said:


> Hi all. I am having trouble sleeping after finding out the incident myself through cameras in the store we have. I try to keep it short but I really want to share the details so you can give me good advice.
> 
> Seeing a guy I respected so much touching my wife really make me sick. he is my friends father who helps our family alot. He has been a good husband to my friend's mom for 40 something years. Since it can only happen in the store I can assume they didn't have any sexual relationship for sure which is fortunate but to reveal the whole affair by watching the cameras was tough. Those making out images would always be on my mind. My wife has confessed and totally felt sorry for what she did.
> 
> However it took twice for her to admit the whole affair. At first she was just saying massaging and limited physical contact because I only saw them massaging in recent clip. But when I dug out more previous clips showing the making out scene she confessed she had an emotional affair with him at one moment but got out of hand. The scene I saw was he tried to get close to her when she sat down on a chair, kissed her on the cheek and then tried to kiss her on the lips. Kind of forcing the action.
> 
> She tried to avoid but then could not resist at the end. It was very disgusting because he is 65 and my wife is 39 only. We treated him like parents. And they were doing this in my store when there was no customers around.
> 
> Trying to hide under the camera but their head motion some how got recorded. The system cannot save the videos for more than a month so that was all I could see. Our uncle would come once in awhile to see if we need any help because we used to bought a store business from them and they taught us how to run.
> 
> My wife said it all began on one time she felt upset and stressed with no one to talk to because I was busy and when she got home I was either sleeping or watching tv and when uncle was there he listened to her and comfort her. And then the physical contact started. I am not sure when it started and how long it lasted but my wife said she soon realized it was not right at the end. She did not want that to ruin our marriage and our family.
> 
> So she wanted to end this and told him not to show up at the store help us anymore. The clip I saw was pretty much the last time they did the thing with my wife trying to avoid but could not resist successfully. Uncle then only showed up only twice the last month. The last time he was here I could tell my wife was going distant from him. But at the end somehow he convinced her into a massage session (probably some more kissing as they hid under the camera for more than half an hour with no customers coming in). What really upset me was looking at the time, I was only an hour away going back to the store to take over my wife shift.
> 
> I was supposed to be an hour earlier but my car has tire problem and I took it to dealership wasted an hour of waiting. I called my wife about that. So they knew when I was going to be back to the store. I don't know why but when I arrived the store that day, I started to feel suspicious for the first time as I saw them dispersed from one spot. So when she left the store, he would leave too as his wife is at home not knowing where he went. I flipped through the camera system and thats how the whole thing got exposed.
> 
> This is only one time in our 11 years marriage. We have 3 kids and the fact that we had been through alot since we met and got married. We both would like to start it over as we realized we love each other so much. Its a very long journey that we came together and being together for so long, not to mentioned that we moved alot from places to places together.
> 
> This last week since she confessed we were like fell in love again and everything feels like 12 years ago when we first met. Even our sex life was rejuvenated. She promised she will not do it again as we are going to get rid of the store this year for sure. Uncle knew I found out and I made sure I expressed my anger to him with texting, told him not to come to our store or meet with our family ever. She doesn't want me to share this with anyone we know but herself and promised she will support me no matter what. I love her, so am I suppose to keep it to myself?
> How am I going to live through those images in my mind?


You are making all the mistakes and wrong assumptions that a newbie makes.

One of those is not realizing she will only admit to what you can prove. One is letting her sex bomb you, OMG! 

There are so many. Who are you trying to convince?

One more thing, that half hour you could not see them, he went for and probably got the "happy ending"!!!


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## MattMatt

@jasongsng, how are you doing?


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