# Wife (me) lost sex drive



## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

Anyone else completely lost their sex drive? I am not able to have pleasure alone or with my husband. Then we tried and for the first time in over 20 years when he started to have his pleasure, the build up, the sounds, and then he just went limp inside me without cumming. We were unable to be successful.

I don't know what that means since it has never happened with us before. 

I have had the lack of sex drive for about eight months now. This incident above was about two months ago. My husband also masturbates every day for the past 20 years and I asked him and he said that is still normal, he is cumming, and everything there is the same. I have tried twice by myself and nothing happens.

My question is has any wife completely lost her sex drive and know why? I mean I have no sex drive at all - not for other people, not by myself, and not for my husband. It is just gone. I don't know how to get it back.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

no one is answering my question. Do I have it listed in the wrong section?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

4821 said:


> Anyone else completely lost their sex drive? I am not able to have pleasure alone or with my husband. Then we tried and for the first time in over 20 years when he started to have his pleasure, the build up, the sounds, and then he just went limp inside me without cumming. We were unable to be successful.
> 
> I don't know what that means since it has never happened with us before.
> 
> ...


Any medical issues? Have you gone to a doctor to get a check up? How old are you?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

How old are you?

What is your general health condition? Are you perimenopausal/menopausal, where you are starting to have hormonal fluctuations? When women hit that stage of their lives, there can be some 'atrophy' and shrinkage in some of the lady bits, including the clitoris which can make orgasm more difficult.

Are you on any kind of medications? Birth control pills, anti-depressants? Sometimes those can be libido killers and/or make you anorgasmic.

How is your relationship with your husband? Relationship issues play a big role in your desire for sex. Having a rocky relationship or resentment issues in your marriage can make your libido take a nose dive.

Low sex drive in women: Causes - MayoClinic.com

Best wishes.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

I am 48 years old, attractive, and healthy. Talked to my gyncolgoist and she is not concerned. She also does not believe in hormone therapy, so if it is hormonal I don't know My parents both passed away and I know at the beginning it was sadness. 

I would like to see a doctor to see if there is a reason. Besides seeing my GYN, is there another specilst doctor that I could see? The best way I can explain is that the nerve endings are gone. I don't have feeling like I used to have there. 

I have never had children, and there has not been any surgery in that area that would cause the nerves to stop - or it might be blood flow. I am so not sure and not a doctor. I know it is my problem since I am unable to satisfy myself. 

I have a regular physical check-ups every year with my GP, my GYN, and dental check-ups. I work out at the gym 4 to 5 timies per week. I am still really pretty for my age.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

What is it like to have no sex drive... I can't envision it.

Is it just lack of orgasm? Does it feel different?

I mean there is no take out the garbage drive but I do it. Because I know it needs to be done.

Isn't sex the same?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> What is it like to have no sex drive... I can't envision it.
> 
> Is it just lack of orgasm? Does it feel different?
> 
> ...


Have you ever been sick, and simply not had the urge to eat? Or worse case scenario, the thought of food makes you want to throw up? I'm thinking it would be similar to that. Yes, you can force yourself to eat if you think about it, but you really don't care if you do or don't. And it's not like you feel satisfied if you do eat.

I've never had a lack of sex drive, but I can sympathize with the OP. You might get more info in the Ladies Lounge as well.

C


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I would recommend that you go back to your GYN and discuss this problem, and demand that they refer to you a specialist if necessary. Sometimes, you just have to be tenacious in order to find out what may be going on.

Are you saying that not only do you have a loss of sex drive, but you are unable to achieve orgasm as well?

Anorgasmia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

You mentioned your parents passing away. I'm so sorry. Is that a recent loss? Do you feel that there may be some depression or a lack of interest in things in general in your life since then? If so, that might also be a good topic of discussion for your GP.

Best wishes.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When you said 20 years, did you mean you haven't had sex for 20 years? Or this is the first time he went limp in 20 years?

If you haven't had sex for 20 years, then maybe you both need some practice. Don't give up, keep trying, maybe get some lubrication.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I mean there is no take out the garbage drive but I do it. Because I know it needs to be done. Isn't sex the same?


What a trooper. 

Anyway the short answer is 'of course'. And I'll let you in on secret. In the nearly 2 decades my wife has refused all sexual or physical activity of any type - I pretty much feel the same. It's just not part of my mind or body anymore. It's been turned off. Maybe forever. I can't fly or teleport, I can't smell colors and I don't feel any libido or desire or arousal at all. Ever. I probably never will again. I no longer worry about it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

My W and I are your age. Her desire began to fade 2-3 years ago. Now it is gone. Completely. 

Like you she is fit and pretty. And I am fit and have aged nicely. She teases me that I look the same as I did in my late 20's. She likes looking at me/touching me but she does not get aroused. 

And she has sex with me because it is a core part of the marriage. But I feel bad for her. She also has fairly consistent pain - vulvodynia. Has had that for about the same time frame. 

She just started HRT. Too early to tell if it is doing much. 




4821 said:


> I am 48 years old, attractive, and healthy. Talked to my gyncolgoist and she is not concerned. She also does not believe in hormone therapy, so if it is hormonal I don't know My parents both passed away and I know at the beginning it was sadness.
> 
> I would like to see a doctor to see if there is a reason. Besides seeing my GYN, is there another specilst doctor that I could see? The best way I can explain is that the nerve endings are gone. I don't have feeling like I used to have there.
> 
> ...


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Who says one or both partners are supposed to have an orgasm during sex? The purpose of sex is not to have an orgasm (though it is an added benefit). The purpose of sex is to help couples bond closer to each other.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I have lost my drive completely. but it has only been less then 3 weeks. So who knows if it will return or not


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Two books for you to check out:

"The Sex Starved Marriage" 

"Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido"


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

4821 said:


> I am 48 years old, attractive, and healthy. Talked to my gyncolgoist and she is not concerned. She also does not believe in hormone therapy, so if it is hormonal I don't know My parents both passed away and I know at the beginning it was sadness.
> 
> I would like to see a doctor to see if there is a reason. Besides seeing my GYN, is there another specilst doctor that I could see? The best way I can explain is that the nerve endings are gone. I don't have feeling like I used to have there.
> 
> ...


You need to change docs. There is a place in medicine for hormone therapy. I'm not saying it is right for you but it may very well be. 

I found out 2 years ago my levels were way off and I was having major problems hormone therapy fixed very quickly. You need a physician that is open minded rather than closed minded. 

Close minded doctors have a tendency to miss important things because of their predispositions.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

I think I should change GYN's. I am the OP. I am sorry my post was not clear. My first post here. I have always had a sex drive regardless of cumming or not. About eight months ago that completely stopped. So nothing has changed except at the beginning I probably was depressed. My father died in 2009, and my Mom died end of July 2010. So we still made love. I agree that I make love to my husband.

I lost my sex drive. Like not an interest in any sex. This does seem impossible for me, and why I am posting to a website for answers.

My GYN is top rated. I was "let in" about six years ago from a specialist making phone calls. Yet now to hear her tell me she does not believe in hormone therapy for females. Is this a normal thing or abnormal for a GYN doctor?


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

I should switch over to the Women's forum. Thank you all.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

I will continue to monitor this post also. How do they check a females' hormones?


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

[]

You mentioned your parents passing away. I'm so sorry. Is that a recent loss? Do you feel that there may be some depression or a lack of interest in things in general in your life since then? If so, that might also be a good topic of discussion for your GP.

Best wishes.[/QUOTE]

Yes, I do have a lack of interest in things in general. My personal core has been shaken. Not because someone lied to me, but because I thought they told me the truth. Maybe my parents dying and their validation missing ~ that I have felt no sense of self again.

I am not working, and a student that makes straight A's. That could be the issue - I hate my second degree. In fact, my husband asked me "What the hell are you doing?" when I signed up for it. He knows I hate it - and I know I hate it. It is something I can do, and just wanted to do it now to have something in case I need it in the future.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

I love my husband and find him sexy. so, I know we have not been intimate for months. I told him last night that I would like to make love to him and for him to think it over to see if that would be okay with him - the next week is what I proposed. I wanted him to think about it without me saying...I am ready now ...right now...and plus we have both had a bad cold....
I think we will be okay


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

4821 said:


> I will continue to monitor this post also. How do they check a females' hormones?


I've had it done at the doctor's office with a simple blood draw. They can test your estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, LH, and FSH, as well as cortisols, thyroid, and a bunch of other ones.

You can also have it done by taking a saliva test with a home test kit like the following. (Dr. John Lee is well-known for his interest in bio-identical hormones.)

Take the Hormone Balance Test

I've no idea which is better - I have tended to rely on my doctor for doing the testing and analyzing the results since, honestly, hormones can be such wonky things. 

It's interesting your OB/GYN is not interested in HRT. Are they in to no HRT whatsoever, are they in to bio-identicals? My OB/GYN is more of a 'minimalist' - in that trying the minimal level of something to see how you react and if it has benefit. She will do HRT if there seems to be some benefit, although she did tell me that a lot of OB/GYNS are more leery of longer-term hormone replacement therapy since finding out many of the benefits weren't really there and too many risks were.

It sounds like you've had a tough time of it recently. Have you been to any kind of counseling to help you work through your grief?

What kinds of joyful things and activities are you doing everyday? If there aren't any, maybe you should consider trying to add something - maybe taking your H by the hand and going out for a walk everyday. 

Best wishes.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I've had it done at the doctor's office with a simple blood draw. They can test your estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, LH, and FSH, as well as cortisols, thyroid, and a bunch of other ones.
> 
> You can also have it done by taking a saliva test with a home test kit like the following. (Dr. John Lee is well-known for his interest in bio-identical hormones.)
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. I do walk everyday with my gorgeous dog Jake - he loves it, and I love it. I do like to exercise. I am in counseling once a week since my father died. My therapist told me I had PTSD from what happened to my Dad. He had a horrible long slow death. I feel much better now from all the therapy. 

I do want to have my hormones tested. They even advertise on TV about having HRT shots every month. Is that part of hormones that women need? 

I want to have my hormones tested. My husand told me to change GYN's too - that he thinks there is validation to the homrones in our bodies. My Mom did have hormone therpay and it worked for her.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

To ask again: So I should look for a doctor that will give me a hormone 
balance test?


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## justsumchik (Oct 7, 2011)

Are you on any medication for your depression (that can have effect on libido)?

Also, as for your lack of feeling in your genital area even while masturbating - have you tried using a vibrator or are you only using your hands?


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## justsumchik (Oct 7, 2011)

And yes, I think you should seek a second opinion on the hormone replacement therapy!


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

justsumchik said:


> Are you on any medication for your depression (that can have effect on libido)?
> 
> Also, as for your lack of feeling in your genital area even while masturbating - have you tried using a vibrator or are you only using your hands?


Yes I have used a vibrator to masturbate. The sexual response is not there at all. I don't even get excited. There is nothing. So to me it seems like my nerve endings died in that area. Nothing -


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife hasn't had even a low drive in years. She's just 44. There are loads of people with the same problem and dozens of possible causes. Sex is important but I believe intimacy is absolutely vital. If your body doesn't entirely cooperate for traditional sex right now, please continue to find ways to be intimate with your husband until your drive returns. Hold hands, make out, etc. He needs that and so do you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Did you look under the fridge? You'd be surprised all the lost stuff winds up there.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I had the same problem of loosing feeling in the genital area, including my clitoris. My issues started with peri-menopause around the same age as you are now. This happens to some women during the menopause. 

You should definitely get your hormones checked and I highly recommend that you look into bio-identical hormones. Google "doctors who prescribe bio-identical hormones in (your city and state)". 

Sadly, it is not uncommon for some GYN's to not believe in HRT. I had to go outside of my insurance and pay out of pocket for the tests and the hormones. I went through BodyLogicMD. It's not cheap and it has taken awhile to get the right balance. I have had several up and down periods, but at the moment (knock on wood lol), I have my hormones balanced pretty good. I did not get all the feeling back but I got some of it back, enough that I can orgasm most of the time now, but it usually takes a hitachi wand to get me over the edge, after my husband does all the heating up process (i.e. lots of foreplay).

Good Luck!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes get your hormones checked.

And then ask yourself something: "How hard would you want your H to try to meet your core emotional needs if something happened and it became difficult for him to do so"?

We are doing HRT. It is helping. That said what helps much more is that my wonderful W realizes that this part of our marriage is really important to me. So she makes the effort to connect with me even though her raw desire level has now dropped to a fairly low level. 

And since this is so one sided, I let her set the frequency. She is loving and committed enough to make the effort so I don't feel starved. And I go the extra mile non-sexually to make her feel loved and desired.




4821 said:


> To ask again: So I should look for a doctor that will give me a hormone
> balance test?


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> What is it like to have no sex drive... I can't envision it.
> 
> Is it just lack of orgasm? Does it feel different?
> 
> ...


I have a take out the garbage drive. Can't stand the smell and site of it. Sex drive? Not so much.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

4821 said:


> []
> 
> You mentioned your parents passing away. I'm so sorry. Is that a recent loss? Do you feel that there may be some depression or a lack of interest in things in general in your life since then? If so, that might also be a good topic of discussion for your GP.
> 
> Best wishes.


Yes, I do have a lack of interest in things in general. My personal core has been shaken. Not because someone lied to me, but because I thought they told me the truth. Maybe my parents dying and their validation missing ~ that I have felt no sense of self again.

I am not working, and a student that makes straight A's. That could be the issue - I hate my second degree. In fact, my husband asked me "What the hell are you doing?" when I signed up for it. He knows I hate it - and I know I hate it. It is something I can do, and just wanted to do it now to have something in case I need it in the future.[/QUOTE]

Are you pressured to get a second degree because of money reasons. Sometimes being unhappy in life can impact how you feel about sex. Also, to make straight A's takes a lot of work. One start may be to do what you can to be happy in life. I know men have sex to soothe their unhappiness and make them feel better (and some women too) but a lot of women, if they are unhappy won't be interested in sex. Too much on their mind.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

first time he went limp ever in 20 years -


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

maccheese said:


> Yes, I do have a lack of interest in things in general. My personal core has been shaken. Not because someone lied to me, but because I thought they told me the truth. Maybe my parents dying and their validation missing ~ that I have felt no sense of self again.
> 
> I am not working, and a student that makes straight A's. That could be the issue - I hate my second degree. In fact, my husband asked me "What the hell are you doing?" when I signed up for it. He knows I hate it - and I know I hate it. It is something I can do, and just wanted to do it now to have something in case I need it in the future.


Are you pressured to get a second degree because of money reasons. Sometimes being unhappy in life can impact how you feel about sex. Also, to make straight A's takes a lot of work. One start may be to do what you can to be happy in life. I know men have sex to soothe their unhappiness and make them feel better (and some women too) but a lot of women, if they are unhappy won't be interested in sex. Too much on their mind.[/QUOTE]

Yes I am sad from the loss of both my parents. I have been healing from that loss though to a point of not thinking about it often or crying. I have always made straight A's and am extremely bored in school. It is not challenging at all. With my entire family dead it has made me numb. I am 48 years old. All of best girl friends have died. The men I were engaged to over 20 years ago are dead. It just creeps me out that no one that I loved like family is alive except my husband. My husband is a loner and doesn't have any long time friends. He has had old girlfriends find him and look him up and he has three that I know about. the sad part about it is that he talks to them completely different then me, and acts different, and is a total ******* jerk with them. They love it and he loves it - and it just makes me think if they make you horny then he needs to be with them - and that ended - but it was so immature it is unbelievable - and I am so immature - and so naive - that even if I left my husband I would never be able to find a man that would treat me right. I would be like a sitting duck for the "wrong man" and I would rather be here loved without sex, then have sex and not be loved.


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