# Disrespect or do you take yourselves too seriously?



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Wow - respect. . .that's a hot button issue for women. I have seen it over and over again come up and it was a hot button topic (still is) in my ex-marriage.

Ever watch Jerry Springer? Everyone has. Every see some animated woman up on stage screaming, 

"Heeza disrespectin' me!!!! Heeza disrespectin' me!!!!", trancing around the stage on a rampage and you are like "WTF?"

Everyone knows me here knows I don't take myself too seriously and I do realize with my sense of humor, often warped, sometimes dark, sometimes witty, that I could certainly make an insensitve joke. That's why I always try to engage in self-deprecating humor. IT's funny. It's safe.

What you see here with me is mostly what you get in the real world (for those of you who have come to know me).

I want to lay the idea out there among ladies that you are gravely misinterpreting "Disrespect" for perhaps just a level of comfort that your husband/SO has in talkign with you, joking, opening up. Yes, if he hurts you or says something insensitive. . .well, guess what?

That's called being a guy.

We will usually apologize, mean the apology, and forget about. We don't hold grudges usually.

I am not sure if women sometimes actually don't like that about guys, that we are such simple creatures and why a lot of women hang out with women.

I told my ex-wife during a fight (that she remembers to this day) during our divorce that I actually HAD respect for her all of those years she thought I didn't. . .I had her up on a pedestal in my mind, I walked on eggs around her, and I watched what I said and how I said it but she was like the animated woman on Jerry Springer. . .now. . .she didn't have my respect at all (at the time, she had introduced the boyfriend to our kids before we were divorced) and I don't care if she is the mother of my kids. That doesn't give you a Pass on respect. She recalls that tirade of mine as an "abusive" moment.

The point of this thread: I don't know your specific situation, ladies. . .there really may be disrespect and dishonor and it may be real. . .but I think a lot of women get overanimated and mistaken about this and I am not sure why it's such an issue.

In a word - relax.

Men generally respect their women. Chances are - the problem is right there looking back at you in the mirror. I more than bet $5.00, the problem is you aren't giving respect. . .or you are insecure. . .one or the other. Stop getting "set off."

Okay, I said my piece and perspective on the Men/Women chronic respect issue.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

It definitely helped me in my marriage to "lighten up". I think the best approach is a combination of lightening up and taking things less seriously and effective limit setting on any issues of real import. Whining never helped anyone, IMO.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Or as Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

Sometimes when a man pees on the toilet, it's because we have penises, they aren't like guns that shoot straight, they are often like hoses, and urine streams aren't always mighty tight. That, and homes aren't supposed to have urinals for whatever HGTV decorating reason, even in a house with 1 man and 3 boys and 1 woman.

It doesn't mean he (or his sons) have disrespected you.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

God. Wipe it up!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I think you bring up good points. Respect is a two way street. Personally, in my marriage, we both respect each other. Maybe sometimes too much that we avoid conflict. But that's another story. 

I wanted to bring up something that a counselor said to a friend of mine during a premarital counseling session and see what you thought. He said, *"To men, the most important thing is respect. To women, the most important thing is security. A man would rather be alone than be disrespected by his spouse, but a woman would rather be disrespected than be alone."* My friend told me this and said how true she thought it was and I said I wasn't so sure. I told it to my husband and he said that was crap. What do you think?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Vthomeschoolmom:

I appreciate the share. Sense of humor is a top quality I seek in my next mate. She doesn't have to be a beacon of wit or sillyness but I will not be with anyone who doesn't self-deprecate once in awhile at least.

Sense of humor and a command of respect are often diametrically opposed.

I try to restrain myself, but when I see women making it an issue here, my gut rx'n is "Oh brother. . ."

That I seek in a mate, and a nice butt of course.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

We wipe it up. . .but what can I say. . .it's 4 males in the house.

If I had a garage in my house, I would do like one mother did - she put a urinal in the garage for her husband and 3 boys. Maybe I could run some plumbing out to the shed. . .


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

If my husband were to pee on the toliet, no I don't think I would take it as disrespect. I would take it as poor aim, bless his soul, ha!

However, if my husband is doing something or not over and over again that bothers me after he knows how I feel, then yeah to me thats disrespect. If I can respect him I do expect it in return. I do think some can go overboard with it, but sometimes what is true disrespect some people also take to lightly and not serious enough, therefore nothing ever gets resolved. Things need to be addressed, and what one thinks is disrespect another may not.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> "To men, the most important thing is respect. To women, the most important thing is security. A man would rather be alone than be disrespected by his spouse, but a woman would rather be disrespected than be alone."


Mmm. . .I am not sure. Men seem to live with a lot of disrespect in American culture. I mean, look at all the commercials and pop TV. . .usually it shows the wise, elegant wife who knows better (to buy Ajax over Other Brands) and the Dad/husband is usually a bumbling buffon that Thank God, my wise wife rescued me from and went out and bought the Ajax.

Of course, Madison Ave. knows they are selling an idea - "The women, who controls purchase decisions, will feel "wise" and the "family leader" if they buy Ajax."

That seems to be the "cultural tone" for a happy marriage. 

I suppose beer commercials for men are so refreshing because at least it's men insulting other men, like one of my favorites "Bud Light's Real Men of Genius." It's like we can all say, "Yeah, we don't take anything too seriously."

I think men are relegated to family clown and that's okay.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Vthomeschoolmom:
> 
> I appreciate the share. Sense of humor is a top quality I seek in my next mate. She doesn't have to be a beacon of wit or sillyness but I will not be with anyone who doesn't self-deprecate once in awhile at least.
> 
> Sense of humor and a command of respect are often diametrically opposed.


I don't see DH's crass humor as disrespect at all. He can make a comment like Look at the knockers on that one! while still having immense respect for me.



> I try to restrain myself, but when I see women making it an issue here, my gut rx'n is "Oh brother. . ."


I think it can be a matter of growing up and realizing not everything is about ME.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Mmm. . .I am not sure. Men seem to live with a lot of disrespect in American culture. I mean, look at all the commercials and pop TV. . .usually it shows the wise, elegant wife who knows better (to buy Ajax over Other Brands) and the Dad/husband is usually a bumbling buffon that Thank God, my wise wife rescued me from and went out and bought the Ajax.
> 
> Of course, Madison Ave. knows they are selling an idea - "The women, who controls purchase decisions, will feel "wise" and the "family leader" if they buy Ajax."
> 
> ...


It may be "ok" in the popular culture.

How does it work out in real life?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AgentD said:


> If my husband were to pee on the toliet, no I don't think I would take it as disrespect. I would take it as poor aim, bless his soul, ha!
> 
> However, if my husband is doing something or not over and over again that bothers me after he knows how I feel, then yeah to me thats disrespect.


See I disagree. I don't think anyone has the right to dictate another's behavior. You can choose not to be "bothered". 

There is a common adage that men marry wanting their wife to stay the same and women marry expecting their husband to change. If you love them the way they are, then why expect them to change.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't think I'd classify peeing on the seat as "disrespect", but I do think it would annoy the hell out of me and his continuing to do it would be a problem. lol My boys do it and I just don't get it. Lift the seat, pee, lower the seat. It doesn't take that long, and I know you know how to do it. If not, I'll gladly give you a demonstration. 

Seriously, to me, disrespect is big stuff: cheating, lying, ordering me around, interrupting me rudely in front of others, talking rudely about me, things like that. Saying something that hurts my feelings...well, yes, sometimes that could be disrespect, other times it could just be a truth I don't want to hear or his lack of forethought in how it might make me feel or something. 

I think some people, both men and women included, have an idea of respect and the lack thereof, that isn't quite what it should. They expect too much or not enough, and when it doesn't go as they think it should, it's that the person doesn't respect them, never that perhaps their expectations are too high or low and that perhaps they should adjust them slightly. 

I've actually known a girl who felt she was disrespected when her boyfriend didn't hold a door for her. I'll grant you, I find it romantic, sweet, gentlemanly, whatever when my boyfriend does that for me, but I don't feel disrespected if he doesn't. I'm a grown up, perfectly capable of opening my own door.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are we speaking of peeing on the actual seat or hitting the porcelain from time to time?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

atruckersgirl said:


> I've actually known a girl who felt she was disrespected when her boyfriend didn't hold a door for her.


That is just insanity. Boy some women put themselves up on their own Pedestals. I would probably yell at my husband for "wasting time" if he tried to open a car door for me. He knows better. Give me other Romantic gestures, that one is just silly to me. 

I also would never view missing the toilet as disrespectful, just plain hyper annoying. I have lost my cool over it many times though. With as many males is in my abode, it is a common occurance for me to Rant / even start screaming when I walk into the boys bathroom. I guess they enjoy hearing me yell, I have called them in from outside on a Bullhorn before to get them in the house immediately as a team with Mr Clean to scrub it all down. 

Some would say I allow my children to disrespect me, I literally let them say ANYTHING TO ME, I want them to have the freedom to discuss, argue whatever their feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, whether I agree or not, even if they know I will not like it, I still allow them to speak freely. Most parents do not go this far. But then after I have 'heard" them out, and I come to a decision , making a firm rule, if after this, they Ignore & buck at me, This I would NOW consider DISRESPECFUL. 

I dont know, I dont care what any man says , Husband, friends, I think it only helps us to be open & willing to listen, *and not jump quickly to conclusions about mere "words" many times*. Even a little backbiting does not bother me per say, most people will do this when they are hurting & mad, I can understand that & think little of it. (as VT says, I choose not to be too bothered). 

So long as these same men / friends can then explain to us their minds/feelings they carelessly said or jokingly said in the moment -IF we somehow feel assulted emotionally & bring it back up to them- which we should & not supress. I would surely be open to listening - always. Grudgeholding is never beneficial. I am one to easily forgive anything, especially words in the heat of the moment. 

 And always a ++++ to be able to LAUGH about these angrier mindless moments afterwards, once we have communicated our issues out to a better understanding. I think most do not get this far in marraige, in friendships. 

And that is the tragedy in it all. 

I once spoke very carelessly against a friend when I was angry & ticked over something, she heard about it and would have dumped me for life- as she has done with many before me. I literally had to kiss her Bu** to win back her favor. I never did like how serious she takes every single word. And we have talked about it - But some people seem to be geared this way.

As for me, you can say pretty much ANYTHING but : don't hurt or molest my children, steal from me, sleep with my husband, you get the picture.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

It goes both ways. DH does not feel "disrespected" that I fail to put the toilet paper on the roll. I am just an egg head and don't like to do it. He rolls his eyes and makes fun of me.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I've actually known a girl who felt she was disrespected when her boyfriend didn't hold a door for her.door.


My BIL's fiancee freaked out about this on Easter and actually made him leave. She doesn't like it when he's not right next to her either, even when it's just his family around. What a mess!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Disrespect may mean one thing to one person and something different to another person. 

If my wife had a problem with something I was doing or not doing, and I kept on doing it or not all because I wanted to, letting her feelings fall on deaf ears, to me that would be disrespectful. 

Also telling another person how you feel, isn't dictating their behavior, its called communication. Dictating another's behavior would more more along the lines of, you will or you will not do this etc. 

Its natural to let another human being know how you feel on certain issues. However, you can't control their response to anything all you can do is let them know how something makes you feel. They either change it or they don't. If they don't then the ball is back in your court on what you feel you need to do.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Truthfully I think we tend to analyze things (including the respect issue) TOO MUCH. Just get over it, already. Too much psycho babble makes me crazy. There isn't enough common sense. And too many apply that to daily life. There are some things that are helped by analysis...usually SELF analysis. But I think in this day and age there's a tendency to over-freakin'-do it. But that's just my opinion.
My SO does hold my car door open for me (7 years later). He treats me like a lady, and I act like one. It's one of the things I like about him. He doesn't ogle other women in front of me (I doubt he does it at all...I'm sure he looks, but no ogling), and that's something else I like about him. 
Maybe I'm just passive/agressive...but if you do something that I absolutely HATE (as opposed to just annoying me) then if I can't get my point across, I'm going to do something that YOU are going to hate. Get over it already.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>There are some things that are helped by analysis...usually SELF analysis<<

If you had to assign a "goal" to individual counseling, this would be it.

People who are considered "difficult" are "difficult" in the percentage of how much "stuff" they take personally.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Conrad said:


> >>There are some things that are helped by analysis...usually SELF analysis<<
> 
> If you had to assign a "goal" to individual counseling, this would be it.
> 
> People who are considered "difficult" are "difficult" in the percentage of how much "stuff" they take personally.


I'm sure there are plenty of people who've tripped to the therapists' office in the hopes of finding out how to "fix" someone else. Only to find out that the person who needed the work, was looking at them in the mirror. Revelation time!


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I'm sure there are plenty of people who've tripped to the therapists' office in the hopes of finding out how to "fix" someone else. Only to find out that the person who needed the work, was looking at them in the mirror. Revelation time!


hahaha i ususally find this when parents bring their chidren to therapy so i can "fix" them.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

A lot of this applies to me, and to my marriage...

I'm one who could benefit from "lightening up."
either take a breath or laugh something off instead of going all "public defender," as my H says.

Another thing I've figured out is this:
if my H says or does something I don't like and it could be considered "disrespectful," what's really the case isn't necessarily that HE was disrespecting ME; it's that I don't respect HIS word choice or action.
And i'm entitled to that, and I have to deal with that in myself.

Here's an example:
I teased H about something.
He showed me the gym where he used to work our and I said "YOU worked out in a gym?? That's such a turn-on!"
I meant no harm, but apparently he was mildly offended so he gave me a "flip off" in a "haha, very funny" way.
I don't like that and I let him know.
He doesn't think it's a "big deal" to flip off your friends in jest.
I personally don't like it, but I don't think he intended disrespect; I just don't respect that humor between husband and wife.

Now, I could be wrong---- maybe he did intend to disrespect me because he felt defensive and self-conscious about the fact that he doesn't work out anymore.
Or maybe it was just his sense of humor.

Either way, I identify that I'M the one who doesn't respect his response.

And for the record, I think this example shows that BOTH of us need to lighten up!!!
I let him know I don't like it, and asked him to respect my aversion to the middle finger directed at me, even in jest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I think everyone _wants_ respect, but not one ever wants to _earn_ it.

I think that statement applies to pretty much all situations of life; the workplace, spousal relationships, parent-child relationships, friendships, even training dogs--people get fed up that their dog doesn't obey or listen, when they're too lazy to put in any real effort into training.

Similarly, parents get upset that their children don't respect them, when it is their responsibility to teach their children the value of respect. Just because a couple gets pregnant doesn't automatically mean that their baby comes out knowing to respect his/her elders.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Everyone knows me here knows I don't take myself too seriously and I do realize with my sense of humor, often warped, sometimes dark, sometimes witty, that I could certainly make an insensitve joke. That's why I always try to engage in self-deprecating humor. IT's funny. It's safe.
> 
> People who take themselves too seriously usually care too much what other people think about them, I can say self-confidence is what they need. people usually like to be around people who can laugh at themselves, it usually gives others a lot of laughter and happiness.
> 
> ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Understand our imperfection!

And respect people the way we want to be respected!


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