# Help me please!



## PippaP (Sep 17, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years, married for 4 and have a 3 year old son. This past weekend I went away for a girl's weekend with my best friend of almost 20 years. It's the first time I have gone anywhere without my husband in over 7 years and first time ever spending time away from my son. Upon coming home, he started to argue with me, telling me that I should feel guilty for leaving them for a weekend. I NEVER do anything.. I'm a stay at home mom, I clean house, cook meals, run errands, care for our son, clean up after pets, etc... I don't go out with friends, this was the first time. I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't feel guilty for going away, I really enjoyed taking a break to not have to be 'on call' non stop but I also know trips like that in the future won't happen especially with the reception I received coming home. He had no issues with me leaving, or at least he didn't voice them. I have tried to tell him it's normal to need a break once in a while and I feel I was well overdue. Am I wrong? I communicated with them everyday because I did miss them but it was literally 48 hours away.. Why is this happening? I'm not sure what to do now. Please give me your advice!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Is your friend single or married? If she is single, that could be reason for his concern. Also, your husband could have been talking to friends, and they could have suggested some things. For example, I used to travel to horse shows with the trainer some weekends. The trainer is a happily married man; our friendship goes back more than 30 years. I'm also friends with his wife. My husband was okay with this *until* my FIL started suggesting we were having an affair. That's why my husband started acting differently. I always invited my husband to go along, but he always declined. From there on out one of my teenage daughters accompanied us on trips. It's really amazing what thoughts others can put into a spouse's mind.


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

Is he generally insecure about your feelings for him and/or could it possibly be a very strange way of telling you that he missed you and couldn't cope. 

I also think 827 Aug has a point. 

In any event, I say you have NOTHING to feel guilty about from what you have described so, don't let him manipulate you into feeling bad.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Context matters. We don't have enough information to give you a valuable opinion.

Like 827 asked, tell us something about your friend. Happily married friend or responsible always single friend is one thing, recently divorced friend or notorious party girl guy hopper friend is something very different. Also I can't say I disagree with 827's hubby. One-on-one trips with a OSF is scary dangerous. Most men and women alike would not be comfortable with it.

Company matters. Trust is great but blind trust is not so great. Also you guys not having enough respect for human nature in alcohol prone get away situations could be dangerous too.

Maybe he's being unreasonable and maybe he's not . Give us more info.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Thundarr said:


> Also I can't say I disagree with 827's hubby. One-on-one trips with a OSF is scary dangerous. Most men and women alike would not be comfortable with it.


Trust me. Nothing went on but horse showing. My daughter even thought that notion (of her grandfather's) was laughable. It's about trust. The reason my estranged husband even listened to his father was because he had been cheating on me. Therefore, he was paranoid to a certain degree. I didn't really want to bring that up the OP, as that's probably not the scenario going on in her life.


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## PippaP (Sep 17, 2012)

She is single but not the partying type. We literally rented a beach house and just relaxed at the house. It's off season for any events in that town. She's a responsible type, career minded but single after being in a few bad relationships. She's extremely guarded now... Not the type of friend to have any worries about in the aspect of any possible wild ways. I'll try to give more details when I have more time to respond.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

When my wife goes out with her married girlfriends, for a nite or weekend . She always comes home happy refreshed and missing me. I am glad to see her have a good time.

However I know the women she goes with. If she was hanging out with single women and they were looking for men. I would not like it, even though I trust her, not a good atmosphere.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Other than work, I never did anything either...
I had won a contest at work, which gave me a trip to the Bahamas with other Deli Managers from work ( about 30 women).. I had to call my H 3 times a day (that cost a lot, but he insisted I check in--- which I did)

Now that we are separated, he is still trying to keep me from doing things... he had a fit that I went to my hs reunion alone, and that I am going to my employers award banquet for my 25 years with them, alone..


He was cheating also,, I guess when "some" are getting away with deceiving others,, they automatically assume we are deceiving them also.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sounds like you do everything around the house for both your H and your son,so maybe when your H was left to handle it on his own he didn't cope as well as he might have thought.He may have been frazzled and rather than admit his limitation(male pride?)maybe he unloaded on you.


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## PippaP (Sep 17, 2012)

Okay, so apparently his issues are the size of the rental we had and the location. My friend booked the trip & paid for the reservations. He specifically stated tonight that it bothers him that I did this to him, that the house was big enough for them to come too and that it's sad that I don't feel guilty for going on a vacation without my husband & child. In his opinion, once you get married, all vacations should be family vacations. In other words, I'm never to go anywhere without my family, ever. If I do, that means I am making bad decisions and I am a horrible person for it. He doesn't understand that I need time to 'shut off'. I'm a wife/mother 24/7 365 (except these recent 48 hours). My husband works full time at an office and when he should be home with us, he's always on his laptop. I've tried to arrange a schedule with him for me to just go run for 45 mins after he is home from work, or to go to the gym, but he's never consistent and never follows through. I honestly do not get any time to myself. I can't take my son running with me, I wish I could but he's 3. No one has ever even babysat my son and with the exception of him being with just his dad this last weekend, I am the only one he's with. Am I wrong for just needing a weekend to 'refresh'? I missed them both a lot & texted him every day telling him that I missed them both. I just don't know why this is such a big deal other than him being insecure and not trusting me. *sigh*


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

I think he needs to realise that such suffocation will likely lead to resentment and the deterioration of the relationship.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I would say if this was the first time he had sole care of your son, the issue is it was much harder than he thought and he doesn't want to do it again.

In my situation, I have two daughters, 5 and 2, and have not ever been away from them overnight. It's not practical, for a variety of reasons. I try to get little pieces of time to myself, instead of one big chunk. 

If her can't/won't commit to regular time off for you, try being flexible. When he does get home early, just say, " bye, I'm going for a run" or whatever. Do you have friends with little kids? Try setting up a recprical babysitting arrangement, where one week you have the kids for a morning, the next week, she does. That way you both get some time every fortnight.

TBH, I don't think it's necessarily reasonable to go away alone when you have very little kids. As I said, it's not something I've done, or any of my friends have done, except for work or a funeral, or something. But you definitely need some time out. Maybe just think a bit smaller at this stage.


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