# When close friends cross the line



## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

New year went out with a bang for us. Now after a few days I'm just wondering what everyone here thinks or would do.

H and I have had some issues in our marriage recently and have been attending counselling. After our last session, there have been major improvements. One issue is H is/was very conflict avoidant and would rather let me and kids down than others and sit on the fence.

Anyway, we live in a street which is friendly and we all get along. We are close to a family which see us as family rather than friends. Definitely more on there part though. The husband is controlling within his own family and tries it with others. He doesn't succeed but we all usually deal with him firmly but with a bit of humour and he stops. He is confusing as he is the first to offer to help anyone. 

A few day before New Year H and the other guy were having a couple of beers and H asked him and his wife if they wanted to come over for drinks and nibbles to see in the NY. We also asked another couple. The wife came over the next morning to ask what the plan was as her H had went home and phoned people to invite them to ours and she told him he couldn't do that. Well, I saw red!! Didn't blame the wife but didn't hold back in telling her what I thought of him crossing a line and how dare he dictate what happened in our house and not have the decency to ask. 

I was in the shower when she came back over with her husband so H had to deal with them. I didnt know it had happened. The H kept saying "I f'd up" but no apology. My H just told him how it was, voices raised a few times and they left after 2 mins. The people he phoned have all been to ours a lot, they weren't the problem but he couldn't see that what he did was wrong and rude. They had them at their house for NY so was just 4 of us.

Anyway, its been 3 days now and we keep going over this. H has potentially lost a close friend but I am proud he eventually stood up to this guy and I know he doesn't feel good about it. A few things have appeared on FB which I hope aren't directed at us. It's going to be awkward as they live opposite. We would hate to lose them as friends but sometimes situations happen.

Has anyone dealt with this before? This is a first for us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It sounds like the guy just misunderstood and thought, "The more, the merrier." I don't think he was purposely trying to disrespect you.

I think your husband overreacted. 

Are you sure you don't want to go over there and apologize? Pretty hard not only losing them as friends, but living across from them on uncomfortable terms with you, too.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you're invited to someone's home you don't turn around and invite others.

Very rude behavior and pretty dumb.

I wouldn't worry about it. You definitely don't need friends like that.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yeh, I agree. Sounds like a loud, pushy guy. There's at least one in every neighborhoid.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sucks to lose a friend, but it is your house. If I have a get together, my wife and I decide who attends. A guest can call and ask about others attendance, but the ultimate decision is up to me and my wife.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Send them over a book on etiquette. 

Common sense is not so common. Excellent example here.


----------



## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

I can't say if H overreacted. I wasn't there. How do you think he should have reacted? How would our apology go?

His wife wasn't a problem. She is under no illusions about his behaviour. She came over to see what was happening as her H was "it will be fine" even when she told him he should ask first. She was just the messenger. 

I think this was just one step too far. A few things have happened over the last 6 months. Nights out planned and ready to book when he balied for a "better" offer and tried to get someone else to take the blame. We invited his daughter & family, and dog to play with ours, over with them when he got sh###y, didn't want the dog over, then told them we didn't want any of them there. He got pulled up for that one!! Making golf arrangements, getting a call and ditching H with no explanation while he was sitting there.

We haven't seen anyone but it will be interesting when we hear what his side of the story was. Both feeling a bit meh about it today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your neighbor is manipulative and inconsiderate. He wants his way and will try to control situations, his way at any costs. It is best that you lose him and his family as friends. He will continue his behavior until it reaches a breaking point.

My sister, who is an attorney, is like this man. She likes to push buttons with people to see how far she can go. She feels powerful when individuals are out of control in situations. This is my own sister and I had to let her go as she came between my husband and I too many times. This relationship between your neighbor and you is a toxic situation.

Everyone in my family knows my sister too well. Everyone avoids her like the plague. Your other neighbors already know this man and his family. Best to move on and live your life.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

getting it wrong said:


> I can't say if H overreacted. I wasn't there. How do you think he should have reacted? How would our apology go?


 Don't go down this road. He invited people over without your permission, 


> I think this was just one step too far. A few things have happened over the last 6 months. Nights out planned and ready to book when he balied for a "better" offer and tried to get someone else to take the blame. We invited his daughter & family, and dog to play with ours, over with them when he got sh###y, didn't want the dog over, then told them we didn't want any of them there. He got pulled up for that one!! Making golf arrangements, getting a call and ditching H with no explanation while he was sitting there.
> 
> We haven't seen anyone but it will be interesting when we hear what his side of the story was. Both feeling a bit meh about it today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL. So, he knew exactly what he was doing, there was no misunderstanding. Yeah he is a domineering person not used to being checked. Regardless of if your husband overreacted or not, he stepped up and put him in his place.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

getting it wrong said:


> I can't say if H overreacted. I wasn't there. How do you think he should have reacted? How would our apology go?
> 
> His wife wasn't a problem. She is under no illusions about his behaviour. She came over to see what was happening as her H was "it will be fine" even when she told him he should ask first. She was just the messenger.
> 
> ...


This person put you and your husband in an awkward position. No excuses. 

It sounds like your H put him in his place as he should have.

Your rude neighbor is the one who should be appologizing. Period!

I'd bet everyone knows his game by now or will. meh


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

My home is not a house party, that ended in high school. If I invite you and your husband, I am _only_ inviting you and your husband. Not your kids, not your neighbors and not your friends. Anybody who has gotten to the age of marriage and children should know better. No big loss if you lose him as a friend as clearly he still lives in peaked glory days and never matured. The fact that he won't apologise just proves it. Good riddance.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

getting it wrong said:


> I can't say if H overreacted. I wasn't there. How do you think he should have reacted? How would our apology go?
> 
> His wife wasn't a problem. She is under no illusions about his behaviour. She came over to see what was happening as her H was "it will be fine" even when she told him he should ask first. She was just the messenger.
> 
> ...


Thanks for what you have added here. Sounds like this man might not be worth being friends with. 

Still might be hard to live across from him with bad feelings between you, though. But maybe that will take care of itself in time.

Best of luck with this, OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP there's no reason for you or your husband to apologize, quit the opposite, the neighbor guy should come and apologize. Sadly I would bet he thinks he already did that, when he came over saying "I f****d up", in his neanderthal little brain that was probably him apologizing. 

Going forward you can simply let thinks cool between you and the neighbor and keep your distance or your husband can grab a six pack and head over and hug it out with the guy. The guy knows he did wrong, you guys let him know it, overall his behavior probably isn't going to change but I bet he doesn't invite people to a party at your house again.


----------



## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

I can't say if your husband acted out of place, but certainly this other guy is manipulative and had to be put in his.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

getting it wrong said:


> A few things have happened over the last 6 months. Nights out planned and ready to book when he balied for a "better" offer and tried to get someone else to take the blame. ... Making golf arrangements, getting a call and ditching H with no explanation while he was sitting there.


JMO, but I would have pulled the plug when he behaved this way. I'm wondering what attributes this guy has that would make him such a "close" friend. My good/close friends don't ditch me if something better comes along or call at the last minute to cancel out (unless they are really sick).

This guy doesn't sound like he has the qualities that would rate him as a close friend. Rethink who you and you H want to be close to, because this guy is a jerk.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I know I will get crucified for this, but...

Maybe the guy is just socially awkward? 



Marc878 said:


> Very rude behavior and pretty dumb...You definitely don't need friends like that.





jorgegene said:


> YSounds like a loud, pushy guy. There's at least one in every neighborhoid.





phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sucks to lose a friend, but it is your house.





Marc878 said:


> Send them over a book on etiquette.
> Common sense is not so common.





Roselyn said:


> Your neighbor is manipulative and inconsiderate. He wants his way and will try to control situations, his way at any costs. It is best that you lose him and his family as friends. He will continue his behavior until it reaches a breaking point.





phillybeffandswiss said:


> ...he is a domineering person not used to being checked. Regardless of if your husband overreacted or not, he stepped up and put him in his place.





Marc878 said:


> It sounds like your H put him in his place as he should have.
> Your rude neighbor is the one who should be appologizing. Period!
> I'd bet everyone knows his game by now or will. meh





Therealbrighteyes said:


> No big loss if you lose him as a friend as clearly he still lives in peaked glory days and never matured. The fact that he won't apologise just proves it. Good riddance.





Cooper said:


> OP there's no reason for you or your husband to apologize, quit the opposite, the neighbor guy should come and apologize. Sadly I would bet he thinks he already did that, when he came over saying "I f****d up", in his neanderthal little brain that was probably him apologizing.





happy2gether said:


> ...certainly this other guy is manipulative and had to be put in his.





Prodigal said:


> this guy is a jerk.


What the **** is the matter with you people?

OP. How soon did it take you to not really like this neighbor? Was it immediately? It was surely before all of these "offenses". I KNOW that. I can tell by your verbiage. And now you are taking up all of these good people's time just so YOU can justify telling your husband "It's him or me" about his friend that you never liked?

Pretty gross.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I know I will get crucified for this, but...
> 
> Maybe the guy is just socially awkward?


Sorry, this triggered you.




> What the **** is the matter with you people?


 Nothing. 



> OP. How soon did it take you to not really like this neighbor? Was it immediately? It was surely before all of these "offenses". I KNOW that. I can tell by your verbiage. And now you are taking up all of these good people's time just so YOU can justify telling your husband "It's him or me" about his friend that you never liked?
> 
> Pretty gross.


 I can tell by your verbiage you lost a friend this way. Sorry, maybe you should have told your SO how you really felt. Maybe, you should have gone to counseling like the OP.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> It sounds like the guy just misunderstood and thought, "The more, the merrier." I don't think he was purposely trying to disrespect you.
> 
> I think your husband overreacted.
> 
> Are you sure you don't want to go over there and apologize? Pretty hard not only losing them as friends, but living across from them on uncomfortable terms with you, too.


Nope. The husband did not overreact. 

Actually his disrespect was worse because his disrespect was as a matter of course.

You cannot allow this controlling nutter to rule your lives and that was what he was trying to do.

He was pushing your husband to establish what his boundaries were.

Gee? I wonder why he would do that? :scratchhead:

It actually doesn't matter *why* he would do that, it doesn't matter *what* his motives were, he is not your friend. Not really.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry, this triggered you.
> 
> 
> Nothing.
> ...


:scratchhead:


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> You cannot allow this controlling nutter to rule your lives and that was what he was trying to do.


:banghead:


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

The guy is, at WORST, socially awkward. The OP NEVER liked him and has been looking for ANY excuse to remove him from their life. That's why I wanted HER to tell me when, exactly, she started hating him.

Rule their lives?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> The guy is, at WORST, socially awkward. The OP NEVER liked him and has been looking for ANY excuse to remove him from their life. That's why I wanted HER to tell me when, exactly, she started hating him.
> 
> Rule their lives?


Yes. Rules their lives. As I have said. He wants to control everyone he knows. 

The updates from the OP offer further evidence of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

So, you KNOW I hate this person??

I don't. We all get on well and have a laugh together. He runs stuff by me before he even mentions anything to his wife. I don't put up with his control and manipulation. I stand up to him, I am honest with him, but he does/says things when it is only my H around because H isn't or wasn't as direct as me as saying yes or no to him (sat on the fence) Re the instances I stated - his wife is honest with me and told me about the night out, the other 2 happened when it was just H there and I found out after it had happened. 

Socially awkward is not how I would describe him. He has a successful business and comes across as confident. Personally, very insecure, always trying to show people what he has, cars, boats, etc 

Close friends - we moved to Australia from UK 6 years ago and the street 4.5 yrs ago. Everyone made us feel welcome which we probably grabbed. We are a socialable, self sufficient family and don't rely on others for our happiness but it felt good. I have quite a few friends but because H doesn't (hard because he works overseas) he grabbed harder to this man and started to make him a priority which is why we ended up in counselling. Me and the wife get on really well, lunch, visit each other, etc She confides in me about lots of things, me not so much. Her daughter & baby come round, treats our girls as daughters and sisters. Will help anytime they can, don't ask they offer. The husband is the same. They see us as "family". We really just see them as friends.

This time H was home I got anxious about a night out. Everything went great. H met new people, had lots in common. We had a counselling session a few days later. General stuff discussed but the counsellor kept repeating that H priority was me and kids. Things have been great this time he was home (4 wks) out with different friends and now with this, I am proud H stood up to him. H went back to work today and won't see this man for about 5 weeks. H says he doesn't care whether he makes up or not. I think H is beginning to realise that this man is not the only person he has to be friends with and it is also ok to say no and stand up for yourself. Haleluja! !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Tell the guy you're looking forward to the big Mardi Gras party at his place and ask what sort of food you should bring.


----------



## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

Satya said:


> Tell the guy you're looking forward to the big Mardi Gras party at his place and ask what sort of food you should bring.


Don't think that will be happening soon
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

