# Facebook



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I found a Facebook message between my husband and a "high school friend". It is about a year old. He tells her that my beautiful smile reminds him of her and that he remembers that she was always so happy. He said he really liked being around her. Then she admits that she used to flirt with him and she didn't think he ever realized how she felt. 

She is married and lives in another state. The message chain seemed to end. But I asked him randomly who she was. He looked startled and asked why. I told him that I saw her posting on his pictures from time to time. He seemed very nervous about it... 

We have lots of other issues...too. However I do not think he is cheating. I checked his phone too. 

But I'm still concerned. Am I overreacting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

that kind of behavior is a slippery slope, my friend... a slippery slope. i've jumped on the FB is evil bandwagon. i hate it. i'd ask him to delete it... it just makes life easier. good luck, hun!


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Awhile back a woman from one of his old jobs was posting and saying very suggestive things and calling him by a pet names. We fought about it and he promised to delete it but he did not. He said he couldn't because he had too many work contacts. It is just maddening. He won't delete so I will just have to deal with it... 





nandosbella said:


> that kind of behavior is a slippery slope, my friend... a slippery slope. i've jumped on the FB is evil bandwagon. i hate it. i'd ask him to delete it... it just makes life easier. good luck, hun!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

work contacts? sorry, but that wouldnt fly in my house. if that is really the case then he should discontinue the personal page and make a business page. a friend of mine started a business with his wife and he deleted his personal and they run their car wash FB page together.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Tell your husband that if he behaves like an untrustworthy child that needs monitoring, that you will monitor him, but that it will destroy your marriage as you need to be married to a real man who values his wife and not a child.

Tell him that either he protects your marriage by setting good boundaries and enforcing them with the opposite sex or you will, but that could be embarresing for him having his wife have to do it, and will lead to more distrust and a loss of confidence in his manliness. 

Your marriage needs to come first. If he accuses you of being controlling or jealous, tell him that he has caused thse feelings in you and you wouldn't be that way if he was committed and able to control his own behaviour.

If he says you should trust him, tell him you did trust him, but he broke your trust and he needs to gain it back.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Since the conversation ends so abruptly, I'd be wondering by what other means they are communicating...


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

My husband was friends with his ex wife and 4 ex lovers. I insisted that he defriend them. He did, reluctantly...

I hate the problems people allow Facebook to cause...I read somewhere that 80 percent of divorce lawyers use Facebook in their cases. Why don't people get it? It's a problem...


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Here's the whole background on my post : 


My problem isn't nearly as serious as most. But it's bothering me. My husband won't give me a Facebook password etc. he's never asked for mine either... Even though I've told him I'd gladly give it to him. 

About a year ago I saw some girl that he used to work with.. Posting flirtatious things on his page. I told him it upset me. He said that he would stop responding to her. Then it continued. So I got mad again. He told me (out of anger) that he would just delete his profile. I said great! Do it. Then he never did. When I pressed him he said he didn't know how... Whatever. 

So then I pressed it again. He said he needed it for work. He didn't, of course. 

Well that all seemed to die down but I remained suspicious. So his phone was laying on the table recently and I looked at his Facebook messages. I saw that he had talked with an old high school friend about 2 years ago. He saved the message. He said that he missed her smile.... Which he said "I" (his wife) had a smile that always reminded him of me. And that he remembered her always being so happy and he missed her. 

She is married now, but it has been bothering me. I suppose I shouldn't say anything to him, but I've considered it. 

Would you? 




dixieangel said:


> My husband was friends with his ex wife and 4 ex lovers. I insisted that he defriend them. He did, reluctantly...
> 
> I hate the problems people allow Facebook to cause...I read somewhere that 80 percent of divorce lawyers use Facebook in their cases. Why don't people get it? It's a problem...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

IMO - The fb message wouldn't bother me that much if everything else in the marriage was strong. If you had NO other reasons to be concerned, I'd say that you should mention that you stumbled across it, it made you uncomfortable and you would appreciate it if he would show some better appropriate boundaries in the future.

However, the fact that he won't give you his fb password is a red flag to me. If he has nothing to hide, why won't he give it to you? My h's facebook page (and mine too) are always open on our shared computer. I can look at his, he can look at mine anytime. 

Does he say why he won't give you his password?


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

It's like the elephant in the room. He has said he'd give it to me. And I have given mine to him... But he just never got around to giving it to me I guess. 

Knowing that I saw what he had in his messages... I don't think there is much to hide. But it's just odd. I feel like talking to him about the message with this woman but then I'd have to admit I was snooping. And that will open a big can of worms from there. 




justonelife said:


> IMO - The fb message wouldn't bother me that much if everything else in the marriage was strong. If you had NO other reasons to be concerned, I'd say that you should mention that you stumbled across it, it made you uncomfortable and you would appreciate it if he would show some better appropriate boundaries in the future.
> 
> However, the fact that he won't give you his fb password is a red flag to me. If he has nothing to hide, why won't he give it to you? My h's facebook page (and mine too) are always open on our shared computer. I can look at his, he can look at mine anytime.
> 
> Does he say why he won't give you his password?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

It's an odd one.
If you trust him & he's just catching up with old friends for a chat or two.. I think it would be okay.

If you feel in your gut that something fishy is going on.. and you are uncomfortable with it. THen tell him. Tell him you can see just saying hi to an old friend, but if it is more than that, then you are uncomfortable with his keeping in touch with her. You'd appreciate if he ignored her & left the messaging to friends you both know.


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## Buildingblocks (Apr 22, 2012)

I see alot of new threads opened by you concerning your husband. It seems that you are trying to bring out only the negative side of his. You are on a very dangerous slope with reagards to this. Eventually the resentment will overwhelm you to the breakdown of this marriage. I'm sure in his view you too have some positives & negative traits.

Try to remember his positive side too from time to time. Also tell him you are on path to call this marriage off and make him attend MC. Sometimes men need to hear rather bluntly that the marriage is breaking down.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

He's being shady by keeping his fb password secret. There is no need to hide passwords in a marriage.

You are making excuses for him when you say he's offered to give you his password but you guess he never got around to it. It takes 2 seconds to tell you his password.

You ask him what it is & he tells you. Simple.


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

Confront the issues ASAP. If you don't things will just get worse. Facebook got me in trouble when going through the divorce and even after the divorce. It can be a blessing and a curse.

I once had an old high school girlfriend who became a lifelong friend contacting me and I became shady about it - although I would never have cheated on my wife I didn't think she'd take highly to this particular woman and she didn't.

It almost ended our marriage then and there. Open communication is a must in a marriage/relationship or it won't work.

Joe


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

You need to discuss it with him. He needs to give you his password too. I wish you better luck than me with this issue.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

The thing is ... That previous history makes me Leary about him. He wouldn't delete his account. And offering it up as a "empty threat" so I called him on it and said "ok". Of course he didn't ... And then said "I don't know how". It was bizarre. So I am concerned. He will flip out if I tell him I was reading his Facebook. 





dixieangel said:


> You need to discuss it with him. He needs to give you his password too. I wish you better luck than me with this issue.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ajb3313 (Sep 5, 2012)

Facebook does nothing but hurt existing relationships. Even when nothing nefarious is going on, it's easy to get the wrong idea ("why is this dude 'liking' every single thing you post all of a sudden -- and vice versa?!") and have things blow out of proportion. 

More and more, given all the endless digital options, I feel like married couples -- and even couples living together in serious relationships -- need to put all their passwords on the table. I also don't think it's unreasonable that partners in a relationship delete exes from their friends list. Facebook isn't the only means of communication, so that doesn't mean you're asking your partner to cut ties with friends. (I, myself, cannot stay friends with exes, but I know plenty of people who have done that successfully.) 

The most important thing though, I think, is to talk about it. If you're even a little concerned, speak up. Jealousy is healthy. But letting it fester and grow isn't.


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