# Do you think they go through the same stress ?



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm just wondering do you think the Wayward spouse goes through the same stress when they are looking to leave and move in with the OM ?

I doubt it, but I figured there are enough WW spouses here that might be able to shed some real light on this.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The same stress as what??


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The responses should be interesting H2H. But I think this is yet more evidence that you have not detached from her. Keep working on detachment and stop agonizing and wishing she will "wake up" and save your family. 

Think of it as a done deal - because the FACT is that it is very much so. Don't be investing any more energy into hoping the arsonist that burned down your house has the same pain as the homeowner. 

She is EXISTING in your home. NOT living there. She is TOLERATING you - but only that. Can the arsonist reform? Sure, but not while the smell of gasoline and smoke is in her nostrils. It will take a long time, if ever, for that to happen. 

Move on to a better life. Look inside of yourself. You will find all the courage and strength you need.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> The same stress as what??


Just the whole stress of moving out, the kids. The new man. The new man with the kids. 

I don't know.. 

My wife is moving out and regardless of the demon she might be, its stressing me out.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

No, I do not think it's the same for her at all. She made the decision to do so, and she is not dealing with the pain of betrayal.

Do you know what the 180 is?


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> The responses should be interesting H2H. But I think this is yet more evidence that you have not detached from her. Keep working on detachment and stop agonizing and wishing she will "wake up" and save your family.
> 
> Think of it as a done deal - because the FACT is that it is very much so. Don't be investing any more energy into hoping the arsonist that burned down your house has the same pain as the homeowner.
> 
> ...


LOL 

I hate you.. But I get what your saying.. You've been at this sometime and seen enough here.

I would just hope she would be stressed out as well. Yea I want her to feel some pain and anguish. 

I should just let go. I think once she is gone I will. I don't want her back. I couldn't have her back. Not now and not like this.

I just want to see her get crushed once.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> No, I do not think it's the same for her at all. She made the decision to do so, and she is not dealing with the pain of betrayal.
> 
> Do you know what the 180 is?


Hope I'm beyond 180.. She is just about out, just waiting to sign divorce papers.. We don't even verbally speak. Anything I ask her regarding legal matters is through text message. 

ATM we are just 2 people occupying the same space with 2 kids.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Well the 180 is about self improvement and taking the steps needed to help move on. It can have an effect on how a WS sees the BS but that's not really the purpose.

But to the topic at hand I really think it depends. Some tend to not miss a beat and keep on moving, others have remorse, some have guilt but no remorse, etc. Don't think it's a one size fits all thing.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Well the 180 is about self improvement and taking the steps needed to help move on. It can have an effect on how a WS sees the BS but that's not really the purpose.
> 
> But to the topic at hand I really think it depends. Some tend to not miss a beat and keep on moving, others have remorse, some have guilt but no remorse, etc. Don't think it's a one size fits all thing.


I guess I missed the point of the 180 when I needed to do it. 

Its one of those things for me that I understand I need to let the love go and I clearly and positively do not show her anything of the nature. I've pretty told her she was dead to me. 

But inside of me it hurts..


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The 180 is for you. It is not to save your marriage. It is to better yourself, and it is never too late to start.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

NO. They only stress if caught, exposed, and have real consequences to their lifestyles.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

No, the stress for the cheater occurs while the affair is ongoing in secret.

Once the affair is outed that stress is gone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Any stress they feel is self induced. Huge difference. 

Think of it like this. I could sit you down at a table and tell you to help yourself to whatever you want to eat. Let's say you over eat and are miserable (like at Thanksgiving). Doesn't feel so good does it? Now, the next day, I will strap you down to the chair and force feed you the exact same amount until you are miserable. I bet the misery as a result of forced overeating is torture compared to the misery of self induced overeating. The WS knows avoiding that stress is as simple as just not picking up that fork again. For the BS, they live in fear of the next time they are going to be strapped in the chair. At least that is the way I view it.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Stress is about lack of control.

There is a huge difference between "hassle" and stress.

This was proved beyond doubt some years ago by the "Whitehall Study".

If you are in control, then you do not suffer stress. It is something entirely different.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> I'm just wondering do you think the Wayward spouse goes through the same stress when they are looking to leave and move in with the OM ?
> 
> I doubt it, but I figured there are enough WW spouses here that might be able to shed some real light on this.


Usually the cheater does not feel the same stress. It depends on the situation. If the cheater is the one making the choice to leave, and still has the affair partner that they are going to, then I don't think they feel anywhere near the same stress.

Most times, the loyal spouse is losing something (his her spouse, kids, lifestyle) with nothing to replace it. The cheater already has found a replacement, and is in a bit of a fantasy of how everything will be better with the affair partner, and has a sense of excitment looking forward to their new life, which they WANT.

Often times, a few months down the road, the cheater's new relationship has blown up, their fantasy imploded, the cheater is extremely unhappy while the betrayed spouse has come to realize that there is world full of possibilities and that they are much better off without the toxicity of the cheater in their lives any longer. Situation completely reverses itself from D-Day or the day the cheater finally leaves.

In the cases where the cheater is not so sure about leaving, not so sure they are doing the right thing, realizes they really love the loyal spouse but feel the relationship is too damaged to continue or they are too proud to apologize, then they probably feel a lot of stress as well.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stress toke a toll on my wife. It was evident. I was very worried, her answers were vague, I thought she could be confiding in some friend so I snooped.
She lost weight she couldn't afford, was having pannic attacks, was moody, depressed, losing hair... looked spent, aged. Then DDay, being dumped and losing all at once realy destroyed her.
It toke more than a year to start resembling her old self.


----------

