# So what is a good divorce?



## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

My wife of 10 years had an affair and is leaving me. Before I knew there was an affair she said she doesn't love me. In my head I knew that it happens and reviewing the last year of our marriage you could see there were problems that neither of us seemed really interested in resolving. 

Now the OM is a world-class POS, a drag on society and probably going to be a drag on the child support that I will end up paying her. It's a rebound relationship that she will regret and actually regrets already. I can't see how it can last really beyond this year if not the summer because the guy has proven incapable of maintaining a relationship or anything else ever.

Knowing that she is leaving me for this a hole is certainly a stress of it's own. 

Knowing that she was leaving me was hard to take but as I say I understood. Not just understood but I could actually see having a better relationship with her as my ex than as my wife. We are still parents -she runs the daycare they attend every day. We've maintained a friendship. Yes there are good days and bad days as far as how I feel about her, ranging from heart-broken to benign. but in the end I can't imagine ever not caring about her so I have worked to maintain a post marriage relationship that as far as I can tell will keep us at arms length but close.

The sore parts of the divorce- not living together, shared custody, Child support, the heartbreak, that wasn't going to change whether I get angry or go no contact or stay friendly. 

This way we are still parenting and still confiding in each other. Our divorce is going smoothly to the surprise of most of our divorced and married friends. People often ask if we've gotten back together. I know where it's at and I know where it's headed. I have no illusions of reconciliation and am actively participating in the single life after some painful emotional paralysis. But this woman has been a very important part of my life and even if our marriage is over we have both determined not to let that end our relationship altogether.

So is that a good divorce or is it truly impossible to maintain a good relationship with someone to whom you were married?


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

I suppose there are as many kinds of divorces are there are people. From what you've described, I'd say you have made the best of a very difficult situation. You seem remarkably well adjusted and should be proud.

I myself will never have a platonic relationship with my STBXW. Not now, not ever. I loved her too deeply for too long. For me it is all, or nothing.


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

I agree with MainStreetExile. I don't think I can have a platonic rela with my STBXW either. But there's kids involved so it makes it more difficult for me.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

We have, for the most part, been civil during our collaborative divorce. I'm sure we will continue to be so for the sake of our grown sons. (e.g. Went out to dinner for our son's gradution celebration) The more distance I get, the more I see that STBXH was emotionally abusive. I am glad to get away, but will have to have some sort of relationship after 25 yrs of marriage, as it ties the extended families together. I have seen many people get to the point where they can even have the new spouses over. Tincture of time may make the difference.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I didn't say it was platonic. We looked at single people and determined we mean more to each other than any friend with benefits. This affair is almost a test run for the future. How much can we really trust each other? I could cause serious damage to her relationship with pos OM but I know it won't last so why ruin what I have? 

Yes, it's strange having what amounts to an illicit affair with your wife but like I said its over and unreasonable to think we could remarry or reconcile. Until or unless we meet someone we know or feel is THE ONE we will be there for each other.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Hey Mule,
I tried the same thing with my 1st ex. All it did was complicate my healing process. That was a looong time ago, and now I despise her. Mother of my son or not.

Like an idiot, I tried to do the same this time at the very beginning. She said she wanted to remain friends. I didnt want to repeat my past mistakes so I sent her an email explaining it just wasnt going to happen. I sent her the definition of a "friend"- "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts." I cant lie to myself, she no longer meets any part of that definition. Can I be friendly? Yes Friends? nope

I hope for the best for you.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

mule kick said:


> So is that a good divorce or is it truly impossible to maintain a good relationship with someone to whom you were married?


7 Months down the line from separation and I still am struggling with this. If we didn't have a child together - I'd have cut her off totally, moved away, and never spoken to her again. It would be so easy.

As it is, we do have a 6 year old together and to do my ideal solution as above to move on is impossible as to do so would be to abandon my daughter. As a result, I am still trying so hard to find the right balance. I have tried the "friendly" thing, as she wants....but I find it is just making me really resentful. It is making me feel totally used - it's like she wants to take advantage of me for all the good family/father points, yet I'm just not "Cool Enough" to hang out with her and her new found mid life crisis party crew. But on the flipside, I'm not entirely comfortable being really stand-offish either - for our daughters sake. Finding the right balance is just so tricky.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

The kids are the tough part. You will never be able to change that. What you can control is you. Be the best father you can to your daughter. Never miss a minute of time with her. Let her know you are always there for her and love her unconditionally. Show her how a parent is supposed to act. Never belittle the ex in front of them, ever. As far as the ex goes? who? Take it from someone who has dealt with an ex (for 14 years) that would make a crazy person say WTF? Only treat them as they treat you. No more, no less. It took me several years to realize that one. Follow the decree, it will save you a lot of arguing and broken promises. Thats my two cents...


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I asked for divorce back in January. Basically switched rooms with my daughter and she sleeps in the bed with her mom. We are room mates basically. We rotate weekends away so the kids can get used to the idea of a full time separation. We still share a checking account. We still share the bills. Honestly her biggest complaint is always worrying about me bad mouthing her to my family. Or she will bring up odd requests for the divorce papers saying things like I'm legally obligated to be within 3 feet of my four year old if we are at a swimming pool and that no othe adults are allowed to watch him. Just weird stuff. We don't argue really about anything because what's the point now? We haven't started dating anyone else and both agreed to stay single until we are physically separate at least if not waiting for the divorce to finalize if you can help it. That's been the most difficult part for me because I really miss intimacy. Not just sex but the romantic cuddling in the afterglow kind of stuff (yeah, i'm a girl i know lol) But what woman would buy the line "You wanna go out sometimes? I mean, we can't go back to my house cuz my wife and kids are there but......" lol


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Oh, and we dont' have anything to fight over. No special heirlooms or expensive vehicles. House goes to me. We have been trying to sell it for 3 years. We are splitting more debts than we are anything else. We had no problem agreeing on 50/50 physical custody either. Child support seems like a sticky issue but we are easing into that one.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Child support seems like a sticky issue but we are easing into that one.


That should be the easiest part if you're in Texas. You can get joint custody and there will be no CS at all. If not, its a simple formula in the Texas Family code. If you make X gross, and have Y kids, you pay Z. There are some deductions that come off the gross and other variances if multipe ex's. You can always bargain it up or down and do whats best for your children. Sad I know all of this, its been a bad 5 weeks. 1st ex hit me up for increase with 11 months to go... I had court 2 days before my stbxw dropped the bomb. My 1st ex- can you say one last cheap shot?? I had to hit her with a counter suit to modify custody meaning she would have to hire a lawyer. She caved and it saved a lot of $$. I already give my son what he needs, she was just lining her pockets...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Fo me, I think a good divorce is one that says I am not married to my stbxw anymore.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

hunter411 said:


> The kids are the tough part. You will never be able to change that. What you can control is you. Be the best father you can to your daughter. Never miss a minute of time with her. Let her know you are always there for her and love her unconditionally. Show her how a parent is supposed to act. Never belittle the ex in front of them, ever. As far as the ex goes? who? Take it from someone who has dealt with an ex (for 14 years) that would make a crazy person say WTF? Only treat them as they treat you. No more, no less. It took me several years to realize that one. Follow the decree, it will save you a lot of arguing and broken promises. Thats my two cents...


And a very good 2c it is too. I think what actually prolongs the agony and troubles me is that, despite it obviously being a MLC of some sort, my stbx is neither crazy nor a bad mom. In fact, as part of her "I can do this all myself" outlook, she is pretty much being "Supermom". And for that at least, I am thankful having read some of the sad situations. Unfortunately I am finding that in many respects the seemingly unreal civility of the whole thing makes it all the more difficult to truly move on.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Mule, your story is same as mine it sounds like, except we didn't confide in each other once she moved out, mostly because I chose to go dark. Also, she didn't cast it all aside for one loser, she did it to be free to date many lsoers. I have found that we are both completely different people now, her affair, my discovery of it, and the ensuing separation changed us both, away from each other.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Yeah I expect to grow apart. I would be lying if I said that the last 10 years we adored each other and everything was perfect. There are plenty of things I don't like about my wife. There are plenty of ways that we are different. But we will always have our children there gluing us together. Wanting a family and of course being good together in bed was what got us married in the first place. We are extracting ourselves from the bad parts of our relationship, having to answer to each other being one of the big things. We will try to maintain the good things about our relationship because why give up that?


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

From all of my friends that have gone through it, there is no such thing as a good divorce...some are just better, easier than others...seems to me, some are just down and out nasty, and those are my friends that have healed the quickest...

I think that if both parties just agree that in the end they want what is best for the kids, things would/will go smoother...


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Hey Mule, 
I can understand your point. If you are able to do that then you are in the extreme minority. As someone who has been in your exact situation, I would love to tell you it will work out that way. I would like nothing more than for it work out that way. I guess its something you just have to experience. I really hope im wrong, but... you will soon learn after about the 3rd kick in the gonads, it just wont work that way. I really hope you can make a liar out of me.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I will let you all know as it moves forward


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

hunter411 said:


> That should be the easiest part if you're in Texas. You can get joint custody and there will be no CS at all. If not, its a simple formula in the Texas Family code. If you make X gross, and have Y kids, you pay Z. There are some deductions that come off the gross and other variances if multipe ex's. You can always bargain it up or down and do whats best for your children. ...


I've heard both sides of this argument and suppose I'll get the right answer sooner or later. When I tell people we are splitting physical custody 50/50 people immediately think no child support. But I've read that even in those cases if she presses for support she can get it either way because of the deep desparity in our incomes. I'm at almost 100K a year. She's down around 12K a year part time. She makes less than people on unemployment do so there's no way to afford home, food and gas even for herself much less 3 kids. And going by the calculations if it came to that I'm looking at 1800 a month. Which is insane because We collected way too many debts to make that work. So I'll bargain down to maybe $500 out of each check at the max but she absolutely has to get a full time job.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Yeah thats exactly how it works. Texas also now has the alimony law, married over 10 years with no marketable job skills, thats another issue for a lot of people. D is expensive, thats why its so important to protect yourself early on and follow your attorneys advice. Take your emotions completely out of it. Look at it for what it is. A business transaction. It can be hard but years down the road, when you have a new life, you will be thankful you did. I gave everything up on my first one and paid for it dearly for years...


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Since ours is uncontested and we have nothing to argue over (except for child support) we have discussed doing the paperwork ourselves. But the lawyers in my town only charge a measly $1500 bucks to do it for me including representing me in court. From what I hear that's a steal. And she has job skills. She has a degree in Social Work. She's taking a teacher certification course to start teaching next year and will be working towards a masters and becoming the high school counselor she wanted to be before kids. So she's marketable....if she would just market herself. lol


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Yeah, Im in a similar situtation as you. It would be a very small investment at $1500. Wow. Id be all over that. Ive been around so many of these and through such a messy one that I have become the go to guy with my friends whenever it happens to them. If you can get away with 1 attorney, do it. They can only represent you, however, it is the easiest way and cheapest. She will be given a copy to seek legal advice on her own but its fairly easy to read and understand and they usually dont. My 1st one? Scale of 1 to 10, about a 3. This time? an 8, close to 9. As far as child support in Texas now? It seems the Atty Gen office now sends out review letters asking both parents if they want to "review" their child support every 3 years, or they can take you back with a 10% increase in income (from what I remember). Talk about opening a can of worms. Of course as vendictive as my 1st ex has been, she took me back with less than a year to go. Always keep that in mind. Whats bad is I worked a whole lot more the past few years than I normally do and they wanted to increase it almost $700 more a month. I countered to modify custody meaning she would have to then hire an attorney. We settled on just $200 month increase. Oh how is despise that woman. She has primary custody but I still provide my son everything he needs anyway. You can never truly get rid of the ex when you have kids together. Just enjoy your time with them and all of the legal stuff wont matter.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I guess I had a "good" divorce. For most of the time we were waiting in court her head was on my shoulder and we went through mediation holding hands. We even went on out on dates while she ignored the OMs frantic calls text messages. 

The secret for me was just not to find things to b!tch about and treat divorce like it was a gift for her. I agreed to everything and she ended up feeling so guilty she payed for the whole thing and had me tear up the restraining order. 

Of course I did lose my cool on D-day a few months after I confronted her, so I had to go dark a lot sooner than I would have liked to, but I know the relationship with the immature OM is just a ticking time bomb. 

I can honestly say I feel better about myself knowing what a POS the OM is and how he could never fill my shoes. If I ever want her back in about a year or so it would be incredibly easy to play the same game and get her to have an EA with me.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> I can honestly say I feel better about myself knowing what a POS the OM is and how he could never fill my shoes. If I ever want her back in about a year or so it would be incredibly easy to play the same game and get her to have an EA with me.


Sweet, let me correct this, I think you misunderstood. If a year from now, if she had an EA with you, you would then be considered the OM (I wouldnt think that). I along with everone else who knows what happened would support you.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Yeah, is that so?


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