# Help: Social media, the internet, and marriage



## kcon (Jul 21, 2014)

Hi everyone. This is my first posting on here, and truth be told I am really nervous. I am an extremely private woman, who has never breathed a word to even my best friend about what I am about to get help/advice for here. 

My husband and I have been married for just over three months, and we have been together for five years. I have a six year old from a previous relationship and we have our own son now who is two as well. It has been a rocky few years financially, finishing up both of our post secondary education, but we made it. We have just moved into our new home, bought a new car, and from the outside, seem to have it all. 

He is a really great man, father, and husband. He treats me well, has always been excellent with my six year old (his step-son) and loves our little one so much. He does not drink excessively, gamble, or even hang out with lewd friends. He cleans, does laundry, cooks, takes care of the kids when I go to work, and is an all around great modern man. 

We have dealt with A LOT of stresses that have been external to our marriage (ie; legal battle with my ex, his parents of thirty years divorcing, new baby while both of us were studying, him working half the time out of town...etc). And I think we have done fairly well so far. 

When we first started dating, his ex (who was my friend at the time) told me he had a problem with chatting online with other women and that was the reason they split. He told me he just wasn't into her and that I had nothing to worry about. 

I recieved a message from a woman he knew from back home (where is is from, which is VERY long way from where we are) about four months into dating him that they had been having sexy chats (?) online over the past few years and she felt I ought to know before dating him...along with a copy of said messages. I confronted him then, and left. He was persistent, and cried and begged me to give him another chance. I had a two year old at that time, and did not want to waste any more of my life on (excuse my language) a$$holes. He managed to persuade me to give him one more chance. 

There were varying other incidents throughout the rest of our relationship, though none as well documented as the first. I had suspicions when he added female coworkers and classmates on FB whom he had never mentioned to me at home, but now were close enough to access each others personal pages. We have always been really close, and talk about everything, so red flags went up for me right away. I asked him and he just said they were just colleagues. 

I found him hacking into another woman from back home's FB account last July, and I almost left him again. He told me then that his brother had 'acquired' her password ages ago and he was just curious and being an idiot. I messaged her immediately to change her password. 

I have found text messages in December between him and male colleagues where my husband has said that he would like to motorboat a female coworkers breasts, see her strip, and bend over several women who work at another building they frequently visit for work. 

I have recently discovered searches on his FB dating as far back as last October that show he has looked up close to 200 women (ZERO men), a select few of those over 30 times each, and accessed their photos. Most of these repeat women he works out of town with, or has worked with in the past. I have found over forty searches for teens on fb, some of whom look to be no older that 14 or 15. 

I am sick. 

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I feel completely ill. Online chats from when we first started dating, weird feelings about coworkers, even the texts, could all be chalked up to something else. Even if it makes me a fool. I understand that teen porn is illegal and even though the girls look young they are most likely over 18. But this is not a porn site. It's fb. I can see that these girls are underage. It is girls' pages mixed in with searched for 'hot teens.' That mixed in with so many, many, searches of his coworkers photos. 

I confronted him. To say the least, I was beyond irate and kicked him out of the house. I can't even look at him. He has sworn to God he will get counseling, and has even gotten rid of his phone and fb. He swore he never messaged anyone, and it has only been the pictures. 

I don't understand why he cannot just use porn like every other red blooded man who needs his needs met. We have a good sex life, 3-4 times per week. We are both very sexual people. There are ZERO excuses for this. 

I have two children. We just bought this place. I cannot carry the finances alone if I leave. We have only been married three months. I feel so disgusted, worthless, unappealing, and can't bear to think about this. I have searched help sites ceaselessly, and so many say that teen porn is just a common category and that its normal for men to look at this. 

He has begged me, yet again, to let him get some help. He has agreed to counseling. He has admitted that he has a problem, and that he does not want to ruin his entire life for a few minutes of gratification. 

This is the brass tax. I want to know what you guys think I should do. I am only 29, and I love him so much. My kids, my home, this is just so much of a shock. I believe him when he says he will fix this, but I've been so wrong in the past. Is past behavior really the best indicator of future behaviour, or can people change?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is he?

Yes past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.

However, some people can change if they really want to, get help and do the work.

It sounds like he has not met anyone in person to have sex with them. If this is true then that's good.

I am very disturbed about him chasing female co-workers and sending emails to male co-workers saying the kinds of things he did. That means that the men who works with are of similar mind. Part of that that mind set is that what the wife does not know does not hurt her. Another part of that is objectifying all women around him. It sounds like he might to stalking some women on some level. He could get sued big time of those emails ever came out. Could he even ever find a job again if that happened?

There are counselors who specialize is his type of behavior. I'm not sure it's sexual addiction but it could be.

I could understand it if you want to just call it quits now. You would be justified in doing so.

If on the other hand you want to see if he will finally take this seriously and stop, then give it a time limit. You interview and find a good counselor who with work with the two of you and with him on his serious problem. Let the counselor work with you to determine the rules under which you will stay with him, what his behavior boundaries and how you can monitor him.

For example I would only agree to stay if there was keystroke and screen shot software on his cell and computers at all times. WebWatcher has a good one for this. It sends keylogs and screen shots to a website so he cannot delete or alter the log files.

You need to think long and hard about this because it's not going to be easy no matter what path you take.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good for you for kicking him out!! That's exactly what I did when I found out what my husband was up to online. He is a sex addict and has been 'sober' now for over 4 years.

If you decide to let him come back home, there must be very strict rules in place. CSAT consultation is a must - if he is a sex addict he must be diagnosed and treated. A good CSAT will also work with you to determine what YOU need, but IC for yourself is also a really good idea.

Here's some links that you might find helpful

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/430739-post1.html

Sex Addiction Therapist Directory, Find a Sex Addiction Therapist

http://www.amazon.ca/Transcending-Post-Infidelity-Stress-Disorder-Healing/dp/1587613344?tag=vig07-20

http://www.amazon.ca/In-Shadows-Net-Breaking-Compulsive/dp/1592854788?tag=vig07-20

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I second Ele.

It's a sickness. If he acknowledges it for what it is and hits it head on, there is hope.

If he stonewalls too much or gaslights, makes excuses, the prognosis is bad.

You may need to give him some time to reckon with the disease.
It's not an easy thing to admit to oneself or a loved one.
Don't give him too much time though. Be strong and resolute and firm. Certainlly don't acquiesce.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Keep in mind if he ever acted out in real his fantasy with underage or even stalking adult women, he could be criminally liable.

Not saying he will, but he's playing with fire. Only takes one time to get burned.


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## kcon (Jul 21, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kcon (Jul 21, 2014)

He is 26 and I am 29. I know, we are really unconventional in so many ways, blended family inclusive. I think I need to seek some counselling too if I am to ever be able to have a healthy relationship again. I feel so betrayed, he is my best friend and all I have. 

I want to believe him when he says he will quit, but I can't even look at him without thinking about his coworkers or teenagers turning him on. Thanks so much for those links, from what I've found I think you're right, it is a serious sex addiction. 

I've gone ahead and messaged three individuals he used to work with and forwarded what I found to them. I feel they should at least be told so they can change their privacy settings. Some of them have families and kids too. I would want to know. I did not message anyone from his current job about what I have found, but I have put everything onto two CDs and a USB in the event I choose to out him or he doesn't stop. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I know from past experiences with my ex that the more documented proof you have, the better. I just can't come to terms with the extent of what I found. It is so shocking. I don't know if I can get over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yes, document.

If you really love him, try not to humiliate him by going public yet, but be firm and resolute. Depending on his reaction and response, then you will have to take action. Also be vigilant. just because he says he's doing stuff or isn't doesn't mean he is.


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## kcon (Jul 21, 2014)

Thank you guys so much for such a non judgemental supportive atmosphere. I'm so glad I found this forum. 

He has agreed that he has a problem, and that he has tried to stop in the past but went right back to it. He knows he needs some professional help and is willing to go to counselling. He has also agreed to have whatever software installed on his phone and computer to help himself stop this behaviour and be accountable. 

It's such a new world we are living in now, with social media and the internet offering so much anonymous sexual experiences for people. We are the social guinea pigs in marriage for this new technological world, and the impact on families and relationships of this kind of behaviour is no different than an actual affair. I still feel unworthy, not enough, and can't look at my husband the same. I've always been okay with pornography, as long as it is legitimate sources and in no way is exploitative of women (although it could be argued all porn is exploitative, I disagree as I believe autonomous women can do what they like with their bodies). That being said, it seems to me that the taboo is what really attracts certain personalities to risky behaviours. 

I'm not excusing his behaviour, but when things are so easily accessible it does make it easier to become addicted in the first place. 

The next step is going to be even harder, as it will be trying to build trust back. I'm not sure if I can, but I will try, and I'm woman enough to know when it's just not going to be good for anyone involved any more. I'm going to try to trust though, because a marriage deserves our effort and our dignity to keep our vows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have a tough road ahead. I sure hope your husband doesn't squander this opportunity!!

If you haven't already done so I highly urge you to check out the books I posted links to above. Patrick Carnes talks about the new world we live in with instant access to porn. His book really put things into perspective for my husband.


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

Not reading the other replies. You are so young. Please think this through very carefully. 

He is not the only man that will ever love you. You deserve much better. You and your children deserve better. You deserve a man that will love you and only you and will honor you every single day of your life. You will not have that with this man. 

Say this when you look in the mirror every day - I deserve someone that loves me and honors me.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

most people don't change.


he has shown again and again that he is incapapable of changing 

his last wife left him because of it and another woman told you he was still doing it you confronted and he said bla-bla-bla and then continuned.

get out now and don't waste any more of you time with this person. or at the very least start getting an escape plan together so when or if he fails and you finally see he isn't going to change then you will be prepared.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

kcon said:


> ...*him working half the time out of town*
> 
> ...*his ex told me he had a problem with chatting online with other women and that was the reason they split*
> 
> ...


Your husband has an absolute lack of boundaries, indicated by the FB stalking of teens. This is well beyond not okay. That inclination, with real live teens, is something that needs to be seriously addressed with a therapist. 

However, regarding his other behavior, the bolded items above from your OP are what really stood out to me. This has been going on since before the two of you were together. It's been a constant presence in your relationship. And he works out of town a lot - with many of the women he's been FB "stalking" - and with guys who apparently encourage his behavior. Again, this has been going on for years. 

I'm really sorry to say that, while this might be a legitimate sex addiction, there's also a good chance that he's just your run of the mill serial cheater. Even if he's never had sex with any of these other women, he's never really been faithful to you. Not since you started dating. There have always been other women in the picture. 

And, frankly, the thought that a man who's this wayward, with a long history of zero boundaries, and is this upfront with his friends about his proclivities, keeps it in his pants when he's out of town, seems....well....a bit naïve. I would seriously recommend that you go get tested for every STD under the sun. And that, should you plan to attempt R with him, you ask him to submit to a polygraph so you can at least stand a chance of knowing whether this was all online fantasy or if some of it was all too real.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

it is not necessarily as bad as it seems. He chats online with other women. Not men, so you can be thankful he is not gay or bisexual!

I gather from the tone it is social media sites you have evidence of him using, and not hook up/dating sites. That makes a big difference. If he just gets a thrill for "talking dirty" with other women but never crosses the line to meeting them in person, or even having a long term emotional affair with any one woman...then how bad it is is open to interpretation.

If he is affectionate to you, has time for you, the sex in the marriage is good, here is what I would recommend. Tell him you know all about his online chats. That you two have to work out boundaries. And one big boundary would be he can no longer have ANY secrets online from you. For instance, tell him you will be periodically checking his computer and phone for the wrong types of texts/emails/apps/websites. You will need all passwords for anything he does online. He can not delete any emails/texts/etc without telling you first. 

That will bring it all up to the sunshine. You may find he just needs erotic chat with women to get him hotter for sex with you. You might be ok with that.

But if you find him still hiding things from you, emails of the hook-up type, etc....then you can make some more draconian decisions.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

One of the first things most CSAT's do is run a poly.


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> it is not necessarily as bad as it seems. He chats online with other women. Not men, so *you can be thankful he is not gay or bisexual!*
> 
> I gather from the tone it is social media sites you have evidence of him using, and not hook up/dating sites. That makes a big difference. I*f he just gets a thrill for "talking dirty" with other women but never crosses the line to meeting them in person, or even having a long term emotional affair with any one woman...then how bad it is is open to interpretation.*
> 
> ...



I have to disagree here. For one, I don't think it would make her feel better OR worse to find out it was men he was searching for lol. I would be completely and utterly disgusted to find my H was searching for teens on facebook of all places. I agree with OP- I understand 'teens' is a popular category on porn sites, and that these women are (or are supposed to be) over 18 but they just look underage. But facebook is completely different than regular porn sites, am i wrong? I posted a thread about porn and masturbating in marriage, and several men on there said themselves *"I don't consider porn cheating. I WOULD consider live cam girl chats cheating because its a real person" * 

to me, being face to face on webcam with these cam girls is the same as messaging or viewing a facebook profile, in fact facebook is worse because it is a real person youre contacting, and you very well may be close distance-wise to them, or be in the same social circle. If anyone in the middle of his circle and one of these teen's circles noticed what was happening, he could be in serious trouble. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you were justified for kicking him out, and like other posters on here have mentioned, past behavior is a good indicator and well, frankly I don't think he will change. At least not with a good amount of time and distance from you and his kid(s) or whatever, and some time to chew on it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How old is he?
> 
> Yes past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.
> 
> ...


Agreed 100% with above, in bold would be my immediate action if you are to give him another chance.

But make it his last, as a promise to YOURSELF!!!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How did you end up with this guy if his ex was a friend of yours? It sounds like your relationship started as an affair with him?


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## kcon (Jul 21, 2014)

I have seriously considered ending this marriage right now. I have walked away from a far more dangerous relationship in the past with a two year old, and I have zero issues with standing up for what I know I, and more importantly, my children, deserve. 

Honestly, I don't know if he is ever going to change. Yes, you are right, this has been a constant in our relationship from day one, and even before, if I am being truthful to myself. 

I think it's the absolute Jekyll and Hyde that is this man I married. At home, to me, our kids, he is great. He has a respectable job where he puts his life at risk for others, potters around the garage, we go on family outings all the time. Then, he closes the door to the washroom or goes to work and turns into this completely different person. It is really disturbing. 

Ask anyone, and they will tell you he is a mild mannered guy. Really charismatic and diplomatic in his job. He is the kind of man who holds doors for old women and genuinely enjoys being kind. 

It is the sheer amount of searches, combined with the targets of his affections that is the problem. Over 250 searches of nearly 100 women and teens ALL of whom he works with, has worked with/gone to school with, or are underage. Is this pathological? Am I dealing with something more than an addiction here? I have called counselors and he is booked in to see a therapist on Friday. I suppose the ball is in his court now. 

I have also installed a really great software on our computer that logs keystrokes and takes screen shots. He has deleted all his apps and I have his apple password so he can't download anything now. I also got a great app that sends me all the websites he visits on safari (iphone browser) so I can monitor that as well. 

I really feel disgusted that I have to waste my time monitoring a grown mans perverted habits, but I have no choice if I am to give my marriage one chance and to help him with his addiction (if that is what this is). I feel as though this is less of a marriage now and more of a prisoner/guard or parent/child relationship. I find it hard to even look at him. 

We were friends for a long time before we started dating. He pursued me seriously, when I just wanted a rebound after leaving my ex. I was with my ex for 8 years and it was a very rough break up. 

I worked with my husband when I was with my ex and he was with his ex. While we never cheated physically, it was an extremely emotional relationship. In retrospect, it probably was cheating on some level, even if it wasn't physical. We ran in the same social circles, went to the same events. That is how I knew his ex and how we became friends. 

My game plan is to monitor and collect. To keep my documentation hidden and safe by forwarding everything to my best friend who lives in another city and he has only met twice. 

I will not be naive again. This is his LAST chance. If there is a next time, he will not be given the benefit of a conversation. He will arrive home to find the locks changed and his belongings neatly packed and waiting at the front door. It will be difficult without him, but staying would be worse if this is who he will always be. 

Again, I am so glad I found this forum. All of you have really contributed so much and really helped me deal with this. To the person who said at least he's not gay, I think I might have prefered gay to attracted to minors, but it was super funny and I spit out my tea. Thanks for making me laugh.


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