# wife wanting to go astray



## darrenb80 (Jul 22, 2013)

Hi guys,

I am really needing some advice in regards to my wife who I found out today has been talking dirty to another guy and sent a picture of her breasts to him and shes only been talking tonhim for 2 days. They ueed to be at college together and she used to have a thing for him but never acted upon it.

She had been acting very strange since talking to him as been very secretive, always keeping her phone with her and smiling frequently when texting. I could tell something was suspicious but when I brought it up with her yesterday she swore down that they were just friends and nothing was happening. I was stupid enough to look through her messages and found a few disturbing messages. I then questioned her today about it and said that if nothing is going on then she'd let me look at her messages. She got very defensive at this so I took the phone and looked through it and she was trying her hardest to stop me but failed. The message I saw stated that her breasts were lovely and it confirmed my suspicions. 

We had a heated discussion and she admitted that she has feelings for him and wants to sleep with him. I told her if it'd make her feel better then she could sleep with him to get it out of her system but only as a test. Low and behold she went straight to her phone and was actually going to ask him until I put her straight why id said it.

I didnt want to be controlling but told her it was either him or me and she said that she loves and wants to be with me but still wanted to talk with this guy but only as friends. Honestly I couldnt allow that for obvious reasons but im just so confused as to why she's doing this. She claims its because I haven't shown her any affection or love and because he showed he liked her so she decided to initiate it.

I just dont know where to go with this and would be devistated if I lost her.

Any advice would be brilliant

TIA


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Not advice really,
Just a question.

Why are you enabling her actions?

If you were the one sending pics of your private parts and constantly sending inappropriate text to an old high school flame, how do you think she would have reacted?

I understand you love her , but you need to stand your ground, demand that she break off all contact from this man, inform the man's wife if he's married.
If she refuses, then let her go, and move on with your life.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She gave you her answer. Pack her bags and send her off to him now. Do this without hesitation of she will never respect you and you will never be able to trust her again. 

It is not time to be kind. You must hold a boundary on this. This is a marriage, not the dating game. 

She never has contact with him again or she's out. 

BTW, does he have a wife to contact about this?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

There are just no words to describe what I think of your "wife".

It has to be either you or him and it can't be you unless she goes for counseling. She sounds like she is pretty F-ed up to me. 

In the mean time I would cancel the internet service, have her cellphone disconnected, separate your finances, and see a lawyer to start divorce proceedings (to wake her up). Find this OM and if he's married, expose him. Expose what your wife is doing to all family members over 18 and friends. Show them the wonderful pictures they have been exchanging!

Above all, maintain your dignity and self respect. Her excuses are bullsh1t and the truth is that she just wants to Fvck this guy ... and she will if you don't stop her ... and if she does, you should leave her.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

My advice? Tell her she's free to go fvck this guy whenever she feels like it, as long as she understands that the only time she can come back home is to pick up her stuff and leave.


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## darrenb80 (Jul 22, 2013)

Ive already explained to her most of what you guys have said and she did agree to break off contact with him. Im just worried that she wouldnt be able to stop herself from actually doing it. She basically said that she'll text him tomorrow and tell him that I know whats been happening and that she isnt going to talk to him anymore because she wants to be with me. I did threaten to leave her and our kids but im not sure if she only agreed to break contact because I said the kids wouod lose me to. How can I define it if she does truly want to stay with me and make things work?


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## darrenb80 (Jul 22, 2013)

Oh and he is single


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Why would you leave? That's a dumb idea. You did not do anything wrong. If you leave she will move the other man in. No, she leaves. Not you. Use your head, this is not the movies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darrenb80 (Jul 22, 2013)

Look I want to get this mess sorted, not just boot her out. I coukd have done that without advice


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

darrenb80 said:


> How can I define it if she does truly want to stay with me and make things work?


Look at your original question, where she said you weren't showing her any love and affection. Is that true? Have you been withholding affection from her?

Now that you've laid down the law, it's time to examine your current relationship. 

MC also wouldn't hurt.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Don't let her text him on her own. Do a formal NC. also you still have a problem, how do you know if she has really stopped contact? Invest in VARs.


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## darrenb80 (Jul 22, 2013)

In a way I believe what she says because there have been a lot of times where she has tried to kiss and cuddle me at home and in public and ive just backed away. There were even times where she used to come onto me frequently and id turned her down. Maybe she does actually feel neglected and turned to the first person who showed her the affection that she wanted with me. I still am confused as why she said she basically just wants to sleep with him tho!!


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## darrenb80 (Jul 22, 2013)

Cdelta02 said:


> Don't let her text him on her own. Do a formal NC. also you still have a problem, how do you know if she has really stopped contact? Invest in VARs.


Well now you mentioned that she told me she deleted him off facebook but I just checked and he's still on there


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Your marital woes and her cheating are two separate issues. Do not let her blame one on the other. There are lots of people in bad marriages who do not cheat. 

You need to end her affair and make sure it is quenched before the marriage problems can be fixed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

darrenb80 said:


> Ive already explained to her most of what you guys have said and she did agree to break off contact with him. Im just worried that she wouldnt be able to stop herself from actually doing it. She basically said that she'll text him tomorrow and tell him that I know whats been happening and that she isnt going to talk to him anymore because she wants to be with me. I did threaten to leave her and our kids but im not sure if she only agreed to break contact because I said the kids wouod lose me to. How can I define it if she does truly want to stay with me and make things work?


NO!!! Don't let her text him. No inter action! Change the phone numbers and email, block his phone and emails and face book. Have a No Contact letter written, approved by you, sent registered mail. There is one in the newbie link below. If he makes contact, get a RO against him.

Get into IC and MC ASAP. 

Get this book now...Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Read this...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage



It's more than likely this has been going on longer than she let on.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

darrenb80 said:


> Well now you mentioned that she told me she deleted him off facebook but I just checked and he's still on there


Yeah. 

Cheaters lie. You better wake up and get in the game pal, before you lose her forever. PM one of the moderators and have this thread switched over to the Coping With Infidelity section. You will get better advice there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It's only face book. She is protecting his feelings, not your's. 

He did something wrong. He entertained a married woman.

Catch your breath. Do the reads. It will all come to you. You will see what needs to be done.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Man you're playing right into your wife's hands.
She knows you're insecure and she's manipulating you.

This guy has a hold on her.

Soon she will start blaming you and saying that she is unhappy in the marriage.
That he is single, makes it even worse.


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## darrenb80 (Jul 22, 2013)

But I even saw a message that he wouldnt do anything because she's married to me. She states she wouldnt block him as she initiated it and doesnt wanna make him look bad but will stop talking to him completely oh and if she bumped into him in the street that she would talk to him


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Watch her actions. Her words mean nothing. 

Get over to CWI.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darrenb80 (Jul 22, 2013)

I know actions speak louder than words but I want to believe that she will stop this and am determined to ensure she does. She's the love of my life for christ sake, im not gonna let her go without a fight


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

darrenb80 said:


> I know actions speak louder than words but I want to believe that she will stop this and am determined to ensure she does. She's the love of my life for christ sake, im not gonna let her go without a fight


Good! Trust, but verify. 

Now educate yourself and lead your family out of this dilemma. You have a lot to do.


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## darrenb80 (Jul 22, 2013)

But how. I feel ive lost her trust by making her break off the contact and by checiing her phone


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

darrenb80 said:


> I know actions speak louder than words but I want to believe that she will stop this and am determined to ensure she does. She's the love of my life for christ sake, im not gonna let her go without a fight


Whats there to stop?


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## darrenb80 (Jul 22, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Whats there to stop?


You actually read the thread


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

darrenb80 said:


> But how. I feel ive lost her trust by making her break off the contact and by checiing her phone


Wrong. Quite the opposite. She lost your trust. 

You showed her you were man enough to stand up to the challenge, to your marriage and love. She may whine and rant like a child at first, but she will see that your not a weak person. It will bring respect if you hold fast. Give in and she will continue more disrespectful behaviors. Be strong, fair but resolved to hold your boundaries. This will make you look attractive in her eyes. If you give in to her or beg her, you will look weak and pathetic. 

There are other reads that will explain this, but first do the reads you have all ready.

Remember she is in the fog of affair chemicals, like a drug user. 

Here...Anatomy of an Affair - The Chemistry of Love


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Darren there are no secrets in a marriage. TRUST BUT VERIFY!


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

darrenb80 said:


> But how. I feel ive lost her trust by making her break off the contact and by checiing her phone


You may have lost her but you still need to stand strong and not let her take advantage of you. You see you are being tested. She is considering replacing you with a new mate. Show weakness and her reptile brain (look it up) will conclude your are not worthy to mate with. 

This is all primal stuff. She is being driven by an endorphine fueled addiction to this man that will literally transform her if you let this go. 

Get this thread switched over to CWI like I told ya.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Her wanting to e-mail him goodbye privately is a ruse to conspire with him to take the affair submarine. You need to be present when she does it and read the msg before she sends it. Then you need to play spy and covertly monitor her texts and e-mails. For the next three months at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostViking said:


> You may have lost her but you still need to stand strong and not let her take advantage of you. You see you are being tested. She is considering replacing you with a new mate. Show weakness and her reptile brain (look it up) will conclude your are not worthy to mate with.
> 
> This is all primal stuff. She is being driven by an endorphine fueled addiction to this man that will literally transform her if you let this go.
> 
> ...


I might pm Machievelli to tell you all about the limbic brain better yet you should here please forget niceing and take charge.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

darrenb80 said:


> But how. I feel ive lost her trust by making her break off the contact and by checiing her phone


Warning 2 x4 coming at you 


Sweetie you didn't lose her trust, you handed your balls right over to her. I know your in denial but she is picking him over you. Stop being scared to stand up to her. You have to risk marriage to save it. You do not deserve a wife who's sending pictures of her boobs to a boob.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

PreRaphaelite said:


> My advice? Tell her she's free to go fvck this guy whenever she feels like it, as long as she understands that the only time she can come back home is to pick up her stuff and leave.


What else can be said?

Except that she is already betraying you, and what do you plan on doing about that?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> What else can be said?
> 
> Except that she is already betraying you, and what do you plan on doing about that?


Your going to have to stop this in it's tracks.

The problem, I have with going after the other guy is that even if she doesn't mess with him, it can be another.

However she may respect you for standing your ground.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Very that he is single, do not just believe what your wife has told you. Cheaters lie.

See about posting him up on cheaterville.com, you can always take it down later.

You need to get a voice activated recorder (sony. And secure it under her car seat with Velcro.


Now rules for her - she will sent the no contact text with you seeing her do it, and you reading it.

Then inform her that if her contacts her she is to ignore it and to report and show you immediately.

Also inform her that her breaking no contact will result in you publicly exposing her affair, and you seeing a lawyer.

No wiggle room, no new chances. The marriage is literally on the line here.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

darrenb80 said:


> But I even saw a message that he wouldnt do anything because she's married to me. She states she wouldnt block him as she initiated it and *doesnt wanna make him look bad* but will stop talking to him completely oh and if she bumped into him in the street that she would talk to him


Sorry to have to say this.But that statement is saying to me she is going to do it no matter the cost.
She is more worried to make him feel bad then you! Her worrie should be with you,and clearly running the fact she run for the phone.
Sorry man


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

snoop or you will regret it. She is putting him first. She is taken by his advances and most likely is the initiator. I would also contact him directly. If you want to fight you need to know the information you are up against. Snooping is the only way to get that information. Read more about others situations on here and learn what it takes to accomplish this. She will cheat if she has not already. .


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

1) Call the other man up on her phone and tell him to stay F away from your wife or you'll hang him by his balls.

2) Put your wife in her place

3) Make your wife send the other man a no-contact letter

4) Trust but verify that nothing more is going on in the future.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Let her go to him and change the locks while she's gone. Screw these women that get bored in their marriages. She's gonna' leave you soon anyhow. Get over it now.

Are there ANY women out there that don't fall out of love with their husbands eventually?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

darrenb80 said:


> In a way I believe what she says because there have been a lot of times where she has tried to kiss and cuddle me at home and in public and ive just backed away. There were even times where she used to come onto me frequently and id turned her down. Maybe she does actually feel neglected and turned to the first person who showed her the affection that she wanted with me. I still am confused as why she said she basically just wants to sleep with him tho!!


why were you turning her away?

its your job and every married persons job to try your best to keep eachother happy sexually.

so your wife comes onto you and you turn her down? am I missing something. she cuddles up to you and you turn her down? 


whats up with that?:scratchhead:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> why were you turning her away?
> 
> its your job and every married persons job to try your best to keep eachother happy sexually.
> 
> ...



This question needs to be answered. If the roles were reversed the male board would be all over her for not "meeting his needs". Double standard much? OP, if you're turning your wife down I can guarantee that she doesn't feel wanted or desired by you. What have you done to address that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Your wife is ALREADY cheating on you, because at a minimum she is having an emotional affair (EA). 

Stop being so passive. DEMAND full transparency. All passwords, email accounts FB, etc. AND FULL ACCESS TO HER PHONE UPON DEMAND !!

Your wife told you to her face that she wants to F another guy for god's sake ! She thus has sacrificed all privacy for now. Also make sure she writes an NC letter and sends it to him IN YOUR PRESENCE !

Also, I suggest you have your thread moved to the CWI section.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Let me guess... You're an American husband.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Warning 2 x4 coming at you
> 
> 
> Sweetie you didn't lose her trust, you handed your balls right over to her. I know your in denial but she is picking him over you. Stop being scared to stand up to her. You have to risk marriage to save it. You do not deserve a wife who's sending pictures of her boobs to a boob.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Madame is 100% right. 

You are afraid to lose her, but you don't understand that by acting scared, you're accelerating the process. 

Learn what the 180 is and do it. Set the boundaries of your marriage and if she isn't willing to respect those boundaries, start the divorce process.

The more that she believes you are not serious and that you can't let her go, the more she will take advantage. That's the way it is, friend.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Kobo said:


> Let me guess... You're an American husband.


Thanks for the laugh!


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

MrK said:


> Let her go to him and change the locks while she's gone. Screw these women that get bored in their marriages. She's gonna' leave you soon anyhow. Get over it now.
> 
> Are there ANY women out there that don't fall out of love with their husbands eventually?


they all need attention in ways we do not and there needs involve communication. So naturally they choose to cheat versus let their man know what they need.
Men need sex for validation so if they don't get it they cheat. Don't know of many men not getting laid by the wife that have not communicated that, but have read countless reports of husbands finding out about their cheating wives needs post her affair.
Seems to be a question we need to pose to the ladies as to why this is? Have heard a lot about clues and I told him once, but rarely have I heard if you don't do this or that I will cheat or leave. I know not true for all certainly but I have noticed a bit of what appears to be a pattern.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

darrenb80 said:


> Look I want to get this mess sorted, not just boot her out. I coukd have done that without advice


Had you done that you would need to ask for advice, you wouldn't need it.

People cheat because they feel they can get away with it, if she knew you'd give her the boot without a second thought she's think twice about doing it.

You could have giving her the boot and make her earn her way back, nobody said it had to be permanent. The point is to show you will not tolerate her disrespect. She is a married women, if she wants to flirt with other men then get a D now and have at it. 

Let her know if she speaks with him again she better be packing bags while she is doing it.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Cora28 said:


> I agree, us women need to communicate our needs more clearly but men also need to listen and act on them too. I feel we speak but maybe don´t make it clear enough or are afraid to due to the rejection we have felt. It can be quite hard to repeat the same thing over and over and not be heard so we build a defensive wall. I´m not saying men are at fault, at all, just that we need to express ourselves better and men be better at listening.
> 
> OP - if you are turning down your wife´s need for affection then she will look for it elsewhere which she has already done. You were lucky to catch it before it got physical. One of the first things the book "His Needs Her Needs" highlights is that women need affection and men need sex. If we feel unappreciated or not noticed, we naturally turn to those who make us feel good about ourselves. I also recommend you read Michelle Langley´s "Women´s Infidelity" (available online) as it explains a lot of what is going on in a woman´s head and about her sexuality. It also helps men to spot those knowing signs (refusing sex, cutting off emotionally etc...).
> 
> Your wife is in full attracted mode and is getting those highs equivalent to a cocaine hit so she just can´t see how she could potentially ruin everything and hurt a lot of people in the process. She is even finding ways to justify her actions too and the fact that you challenged her to go sleep with him and she grabbed her phone, should give you a pretty big wake up call that she is prepared to do just that as you aren´t meeting her needs in some way. That´s her way of saying, "OK then, now you know, let´s see if you´ll stop me!" I´m not saying that what she is doing is right, but I am saying that both of you are responsible for what´s going wrong in the marriage. You have got to fight for her because that is what she probably wants. Show her who´s boss!


I agree and appreciate the insight from a female. I ask this about the listening part for men. What is the consequence for not listening. I ask because if you tell a child to clean their room and they don't you train them to learn to listen to the need. Men grow up taken care of(most) so when we are told we do not listen there needs to be a consequence to this that does not involve cheating on him. Seems a bit trivial and childish I know but I had to train my wife to meet my needs and me hers, to further the discussion I would love to know why it is so easy for some to just throw in the towel and cheat.


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