# Not sure



## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

I've been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years now. She's a sweet caring girl, generally positive and has a good job. Shes loving and affectionate. Shes a nurse and loves talking about her job.

However we have our differences and my gut is telling me no. First of all I'm divorced with a 6 year old. She's a single mom with a 5 year old who was abandoned during pregnancy. My feeling now is that the baby was her idea. I told her explicitly that I don't buy the stories where the girl is on birth control and accidentally gets pregnant anyway. The pill is supposed to be 99.99% effective. Somehow that drops to a much lower number with emotionally dependent people.

On the face of it we looked like the perfect second chance. We have been exclusively dating up until now. Because of my divorce I decided to not jump into a new family right away. She's been struggling with it a lot and asked me to " wife her up" six Months in. Now I'm kinda glad I stayed strong.

Recently we have started probing and feeling out how we would function as a family. We both had our reservations and mine are based on the fact that her parenting style is too permissive and that she isn't domestic enough for my taste. We've had this up for discussion before. The short story is that she's raised her son in an environment without rules and with constant attention. Anything goes. Eating on the couch, jumping on the bed, running around screaming in the house. She thinks it's cute when he lies because he has such an amazing imagination. He cannot occupy himself for a minute unless it's on the iPad.

She doesn't clean and barely cooks. She pays a guy to occasionally clean her house and car. Needless to say her bathrooms are dirty and so is her car.

This became more obvious to me as of late and I think our last run really made me aware. We planned to spend the weekend together as a family. A two night sleepover.

It starts off at a Hispanic green market where we meet to shop for dinner. They also sell pottery. When we meet her son was running around the area with pots. We then go inside where the son initiate tag with my daughter. She follows. I tell them several times to stop. In the end I have to pull my daughter aside to tell her not to follow. My girlfriend responds. "They're just bored". I tell her I find it to be unacceptable behavior. The kid grabs stuff left and right until he pulls the handle on the bean container and they start pouring out. We go to check out. While I'm in line to pay (girlfriend has taken no initiative to buy anything or even think of dinner) her son runs into the middle of a tight arrangement of yard tall wobbly pottery. At this point I feel compelled to take action. I leave the line and tell him to come out and grab him by the hand. I tell him it was a bad choice and I can see it goes in one ear and out the other. My girlfriend does not do anything.

We get home and the kids start to play. The son is clearly the leader. He decides what my daughter does and says. They rough house despite being told not to. Until he runs into one of my very expensive speakers nearly knocking it down. I again raise my voice and they go upstairs to play. I can tell that it is still wild but at least they are out of the way. I start working on my daughters doll house and try to engage girlfriend. Her response is "I don't remember volunteering for this". She then sits on her phone next to me while I build the house.

We start making dinner. My gf was supposed to have bought fish but she didn't. This is the second time we talk about her cooking but not coming through so I do it. She makes a salad though. Bed time comes around and we sit down on the couch. I'm pretty worn down and I want to get my mind off things so I pour some scotch and put a movie on.

The next day we all go to a birthday party. It's a great party with lots of kids in a protected back yard. Her son is upset because the birthday child is his best friend but isn't focused on him. Everything goes well though until he punches another kid during horseplay. By the end there is an animal showing. The lady with the animals takes an animal out and walks around the benches where the other kids sit. The birthday child is helping the lady. After a little while gf's son gets up and "helps" too. He wants to be part of the center. The lady says no thanks and gf's son comes back crying. Gf says to sit down and enjoy like all the other kids. After a minute he gets up again with the same result. This happens three times.

We get home and do bed time routine. During this my gf finds a book of mine about rules and why we need them. Gf's son responds with no rules for him.

In the morning girlfriend has to leave for work at 7. She gets up and makes eggs for her son and herself. My daughter and I get up to say goodbye. After they leave my first thought is good riddance.

I walk upstairs where she slept with her son. Bed is a mess, the kitchen is dirty, there is egg rubbed into the couch, the sons plate is still on the table, egg all over the table and she has forgotten some of her things.



Here is my problem: 

we talked from the beginning about family dynamics. I told her my wish was for a more traditional family. This to me means a family where I'm the breadwinner and she's the homemaker. I feel I've laid the groundwork to support most (in fact all) of my family's financial and security needs. She told me that her focus was not career but family and therefore she's happy with her associates degree and three day per week job that pays very well for what it is. She wants to be married and have a family. I think "perfect! We will have around a 70/30 split in career vs. domestic responsibilities respectively". The reality is though that I find myself picking up after her a lot and that she does not take initiative in domestic areas. She can't even clean up after herself! She does care about me in the sense that she want me to get on board with all her health stuff. She says that she plans to keep me around for a long time she says.


The things she puts effort into are health foods, diets and working out. She's now decided to become vegetarian which is NOT what I want to be. She's given up alcohol all together so going out for a drink isn't an option anymore.

I'm my opinion her son is a mess. He think he's in charge and that there are no rules. He doesn't need to listen. I can just imagine how this would be in ten years.


I'm starting to feel like her idea of traditional is "you take care of me while I post my acai smoothies on Pinterest blog and post workout pictures on Facebook". She likes to talk about all the places we're going to travel and the house we will buy while talking about working less AND having more kids. Meanwhile I've got dreams of a classic car and money for my interest. That's not gonna happen with a dependent

Having written all of this down it seems clear to me but I still find it hard to cut the ties because I'm emotionally attached to her and I'm still hoping she will "grow up". Every time I've talked to her about these issues she's been receptive and agreeing. I just haven't seen a real change in that direction. The only change I've seen is that she's more confident an self absorbed these days. 

Looking at her mother I see a self centered woman who's been divorced twice and doesn't focus much on being a mother. She rarely helps and wasn't there for my girlfriend when she got pregnant at age 21.

It's difficult because that on the surface gf is a positive, care taking, pretty girl who has endured a lot but come through for herself. 

I doubt myself because I know that I'm scarred from my previous marriage. I know I can be overly skeptical.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I don't think that you are compatible as husband and wife. You have different values and different styles of parenting. I would remain girlfriend/boyfriend until you are absolutely sure that this is the woman who you will spend a lifetime with. I don't believe that she will change her ways; perhaps, temporarily for your sake.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

The test run of your weekend together told you all you need to know. She has shown you who she really is. Believe her.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The very fact that you have written such a long and detailed post about your differences is enough to tell me that you are well aware of what you want to do, but you lack the courage to follow through. Remember that if the weekend was this fraught with "differences," a lifetime would be more so. Cleaning up and taking care of another adult is not fun and definitely not sexy. Do the right thing for EVERYONE and move on. We only have this lifetime to find happiness, and basing decisions on anything but what feels truly right is a mistake. Good luck.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Run. As fast as you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

To be honest I stopped reading about one-third the way through.

You guys aren't compatible. 

Time to make like Obama and Move On dot org.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sure she was in a hurry for you to marry her. She wanted it locked and sealed (and likely another child in the way) before you discovered that the two of you aren't even close to being compatible. 

She's never going to look at life the way you do. Time to move on.


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## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

Thanks for answering. It's going to be hard because Im very attracted to her physically and she's a good friend. I just couldn't accept the child rearing or housekeeping differences we have. I was hoping I could teach her a thing or two but my feeling is as you said: people may change for others but only for a little while.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aeirum said:


> First of all I'm divorced with a 6 year old. She's a single mom with a 5 year old who was abandoned during pregnancy. My feeling now is that the baby was her idea. I told her explicitly that I don't buy the stories where the girl is on birth control and accidentally gets pregnant anyway. The pill is supposed to be 99.99% effective. Somehow that drops to a much lower number with emotionally dependent people.


Why would you want to be with someone who you feel is a liar and who got pregnant via a lie? And why would she want to be with someone how looks down on her like this?

You two are not compatible. Not by a long shot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aeirum said:


> Thanks for answering. It's going to be hard because Im very attracted to her physically and she's a good friend.


Physical attraction is the icing on the cake. If the rest is not there you will end up in a very unhappy marriage. And you would have no one to blame but yourself.



Aeirum said:


> I just couldn't accept the child rearing or housekeeping differences we have. I was hoping I could teach her a thing or two but my feeling is as you said: people may change for others but only for a little while.


It's not your place to teach her a thing or two. Accept her as she is or move on.

It's a huge mistake to marry someone thinking you will mold them into who you want them to be.

Let her go so that both of you can find someone else.

She deserves someone who does not look down on her as you do.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She lives like she wants a man that will accept her current ways (sounds like a more carefree/chaotic way) 

You seem like you want a woman that can provide your domestic needs and shares your stricter value system. 

The two are in conflict. Your daughter will be confused. Her son will be confused. They're used to different ways.

I don't see this as working out in the way you wish. I'd say take it as a learning experience and move on.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This is why we date; to find out if we are suitable for each other. You have found out. Congratulations! Better to find out now than a couple years after a marriage or a pregnancy. Sounds like an episode of "The Odd Couple". If this much difference is apparent now, just imagine what surprises await you after a marriage.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Aeirum said:


> Thanks for answering. It's going to be hard because Im very attracted to her physically and she's a good friend. I just couldn't accept the child rearing or housekeeping differences we have. I was hoping I could teach her a thing or two but my feeling is as you said: people may change for others but only for a little while.


I’ve never know a man who successfully taught a woman” a thing or two” – and frankly I’m not sure that’d be the most desirable type of woman anyways.

In time, the “physical attraction” aspects of the relationship will wane somewhat (I will always think Ms. Spin is hot it’s just that is not so important as time goes by) but the emotional, philosophical and spiritual aspects of the relationship will become more critical. 

It does not sound to me like you two are even remotely on the same page in those aspects and I’m not sure, with children being involved, that taking a shot at arriving to some “meeting of the minds” is a good idea.

There are many fish in the lake. You may want to pull anchor and find another cove to fish. For your sake and her sake too!


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## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

You know I might have said it in a wrong way by saying I could teach her a thing or two. But leaving her mess for me to clean up is a maturity issue. I'm not looking to change who she is but a simple thing as taking responsibility for picking up after one self is a basic skill I feel all adults should have.

She says she agrees with me on the child discipline part but then doesn't react when he's acting out. I figured maybe the will is there but the tools aren't.

Im not looking to change her core and I don't want to be quick on throwing away a good thing if it can work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aeirum said:


> You know I might have said it in a wrong way by saying I could teach her a thing or two. But leaving her mess for me to clean up is a maturity issue. I'm not looking to change who she is but a simple thing as taking responsibility for picking up after one self is a basic skill I feel all adults should have.
> 
> She says she agrees with me on the child discipline part but then doesn't react when he's acting out. I figured maybe the will is there but the tools aren't.
> 
> Im not looking to change her core and I don't want to be quick on throwing away a good thing if it can work.


How old are the two of you?


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## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

I'm 31 she's 27


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Aeirum said:


> ...Im not looking to change her core and I don't want to be quick on throwing away a good thing if it can work.


It won't work. You aren't compatible. You listed a laundry list of things about her that you cannot stand. In fact, beyond her being super attractive, you have listed zero redeeming qualities. Whether this is reality or your perception of her, it's how you feel.

You will grow to resent her. End it now before you sneak one by the goalie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aeirum said:


> You know I might have said it in a wrong way by saying I could teach her a thing or two. But leaving her mess for me to clean up is a maturity issue. I'm not looking to change who she is but a simple thing as taking responsibility for picking up after one self is a basic skill I feel all adults should have.
> 
> She says she agrees with me on the child discipline part but then doesn't react when he's acting out. I figured maybe the will is there but the tools aren't.
> 
> Im not looking to change her core and I don't want to be quick on throwing away a good thing if it can work.


What you are describing is changing her. She's 27. She is not going to change all that much. 

If you want to give is a bit more time, then date her for another year. See how you feel at the end of that time.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What you are describing is changing her. She's 27. She is not going to change all that much.
> 
> If you want to give is a bit more time, then date her for another year. See how you feel at the end of that time.


Date? Yes. But DO NOT IMPREGNATE HER!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People have to be very strongly motivated to permanently change because it's not easy to do. She might in theory agree her son needs discipline but she doesn't appear to be prepared to do that. 

Attraction usually fades over time (on both sides) when faced with serious issues. Don't marry her. If you do, the odds are excellent you'll be back here with far greater issues than you have now.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What if after you marry she withholds sex?

If she wants an LTR, you should go to MC to create a contract.

She has to see fulfilling the contract as something positive for her and not merely to satisfy you.

Ask her if she respects and admires her mother?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Date? Yes. But DO NOT IMPREGNATE HER!


I do not think that continuing this relationship is wise. 

But if he's hell bent on continuing it, at least date a lot longer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aeirum, 

If you are determined to stay with her I suggest that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Then get her to read them with you and do the work they say to do. Doing this might help get through to her what things like your not picking up after herself, lack of discipline for her son, etc. is seriously hurting the relationship. Doing the work will also help you too build a very strong foundation to your relationship.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I do not think that continuing this relationship is wise.
> 
> But if he's hell bent on continuing it, at least date a lot longer.


Agreed. And if not for his sake, then for the sake of the two children best to end it now, before they further attach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> PhillyGuy13,
> 
> If you are determined to stay with her I suggest that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Then get her to read them with you and do the work they say to do. Doing this might help get through to her what things like your not picking up after herself, lack of discipline for her son, etc. is seriously hurting the relationship. Doing the work will also help you too build a very strong foundation to your relationship.


Well I personally barely know her 

OP- this is good advise. And a good book to read through whether you stay with her or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Aeirum said:


> She says she agrees with me on the child discipline part but then doesn't react when he's acting out.


She doesn't agree. That's why she doesn't react when he's acting out.



Aeirum said:


> I figured maybe the will is there but the tools aren't.


I'm afraid that's wishful thinking on your part. It's not that difficult to stop your child from running wild in public. Her parenting style is completely different from yours.



Aeirum said:


> Im not looking to change her core and I don't want to be quick on throwing away a good thing *if it can work.*


Depends on how hard you want to "work". Just _reading_ through all the behavior (hers and her kid) in your first post was exhausting. I can only imagine how exhausting it is to actually _experience_ it. 

I honestly don't think you are very compatible. You will be full of resentment. It didn't work out for her with two other husbands. I don't see it working out too well for her a third time.

Just my opinion though...


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Do I get it right that your girlfriend has been divorced TWICE at age 27?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Well I personally barely know her
> 
> OP- this is good advise. And a good book to read through whether you stay with her or not.


:rofl: oops


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Roselyn said:


> Do I get it right that your girlfriend has been divorced TWICE at age 27?





Aeirum said:


> First of all I'm divorced with a 6 year old. She's a single mom with a 5 year old who was abandoned during pregnancy.
> ……
> *Looking at her mother I see a self centered woman who's been divorced twice and doesn't focus much on being a mother. *She rarely helps and wasn't there for my girlfriend when she got pregnant at age 21.


Her mother has been divorce twice.

The OP has been divorced once.

The gf had a child while single.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

We have an instinctive, visceral reaction to some things for a reason.

Like venomous spiders.

Your spidey-sense is telling you something. Don't ignore it.


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## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

Correct


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I stand corrected on my misstatement that she was married twice -- sorry.

I still think there are a LOT of obstacles to the two you being compatible in the long run.

I also worry about the long term effects that her son's behavior will have on your daughter. I think after awhile your daughter may feel uncomfortable (as in not a moment's peace) in her own home .


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## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

No worries. Good point on the sons affect on my daughter though.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Aeirum said:


> Im not looking to change her core and I don't want to be quick on throwing away a good thing if it can work.


Yes, you are looking to change her core, which to think you can or should change someone is a bad premise to start with. And, aside from everything else, it will only be a good thing if you decide to ignore everything, which would only last a short while anyway. What I don't understand the most is you already have one divorce in your wake. You posted here with some concerns about this woman, but you really are trying hard to find a way (or someone to convince you) to ignore it all and take the leap anyway. I'm not sure how many times good looks and your libido are going to make your decisions before you learn your own lessons.

And this is just how much you either miss your mark or are ignoring the obvious for the sake of her good looks:

The fish dinner that didn't happen....
That was supposed to be fish that you purchased. You didn't buy it, so she didn't have any fish to cook. It's a very simple expectation of lots of women, especially since what I'm disappointingly finding is how most women don't have any expectations or standards at all. But this one means the two of you are not connecting, no matter how much you'd like to hope you someday will. She works part time, so why didn't you simply buy the fish. You were in the market getting other things. I'm not saying you're supposed to pay things every time but with working part time with a child and maintaining her own residence, having to purchase expensive fish (because fish is expensive) to feed 4 can seriously dip into, if not wipe out, the week's remaining discretionary income. I think it was very thoughtless of you, and you missed the mark on that one.

The doll house she didn't help you build.....
Why should she? I never helped anyone build my daughter's doll houses, and she was my own daughter. I'm not even sure why you mentioned that as if she was supposed to help you with it just because you asked her and since she didn't help, it is an infraction against her. What is that told against anybody? Again, you missed the mark and scrutinized her unfairly. Rather selfishly I might add.

She doesn't discipline her son but agreed that it needs to be done.....
How much more clear do you want it to be? No, she has no tools, but she also has no desire either. She is not interested in the least. She agreed because somehow it became her understanding out of the discussion that you are going to do it. Yes, she expects you to become the father figure and disciplinarian for her kid. You ignored the obvious on this one. You spoke with her about and expected her to suddenly become able to do something she clearly is incapable of doing. She, on the other hand, expected you to pick up that baton since you brought it up and you're the one who thinks he needs it. Some women are that way, thinking men are supposed to be the ones to raise the boys. She, unfortunately, is not the only one expecting to dictate gender roles in this relationship, but I'll get to that later.



Aeirum said:


> I told her explicitly that I don't buy the stories where the girl is on birth control and accidentally gets pregnant anyway.


The more you talk, the more immature you sound. So, she won't get pregnant because you don't buy the BC failed stories? You want to have your fun without the slight annoyance of protecting yourself from an unwanted pregnancy, and those WORDS were supposed to be your guarantee? 

If she is the type of woman who thinks getting pregnant will trap a man, your words won't mean a darned thing to her. It isn't possible that she could care less if you BELIEVE her when she shouts from the rooftops that "My BC failed!" 

If she is the type of woman who thinks trapping a man into having to pay child support will be a great portion of her meal ticket for the next 18-22 years, then your words won't mean a darned thing to her. It isn't possible that she could care less if you believe her when she shouts from the rooftops that "It was a mistake!"

BUT - and this is a very bit BUT - you rely way too heavily on that 99% efficacy. Why don't you think that other 1% has to apply to someone? And why could it not apply to your girl? Because you told her explicitly? 

What it means is that the pill will work 99 times out of 100, but they offer no guarantees when that 1 time will occur. It doesn't mean it will fail that 100dth time. That once could happen at nearly any time. And besides, is it in any way unfathomable for you to consider the very likelihood that after being together for 1.5 years, you've had sex AT LEAST 99 times??? Or soon shall hit that rate of failure mark. Where is your big head? You speak of your understanding that BC is 99% effective but for some reason, that translates to 100% in your brain and reasoning. I guess because you "told her explicitly", right?

Now, I'm going to educate you in step family dynamics. It's awful. For the vast majority, blending is an awful and miserable for one if not both partners. You see her son is undisciplined. You will grow to "hate" or "can't stand" that kid and as result of being stuck with living with him, you will loathe your life. You recognize it's all her fault because she is the one who should train and discipline him, but your disdain will grow toward HIM since HE will be the constant culprit and offender. Just imagine the next 13 or more years of this. And also imagine what will come next. He is a wild hellion right now, and the very next step is for him to become mouthy along with it. If she won't make him stop being destructive, she surely isn't going to make him bridle his tongue. So, imagine that kid yelling at you to "SHUT UP!" and "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!" AND "YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" If not very soon, he will begin around 7 or 8 years old. And then, his teen years will be exponentially worse. 



Aeirum said:


> we talked from the beginning about family dynamics. I told her my wish was for a more traditional family. This to me means a family where I'm the breadwinner and she's the homemaker.


But, this is your first and biggest mistake thinking you can recreate anything "traditional" because you've already blown that opportunity. I've described the problems you are going to have with her son. What I stated was more than likely easy for you to believe because you've seen how he is, so the rest is just a foregone conclusion. What you don't know is your daughter will also present problems for your wife. Yeah, that sweet girl that you probably call "very good" and "obedient" and can't even imagine posing a problem for anyone. But she will though and almost from the beginning, just like her son. Kids are kids and all kids are bad, just not necessarily in the same ways. The things your daughter will do, you won't see but when your wife complains, you won't believe her. You will just make excuses for your baby like "She didn't mean it like that" or "She's just a kid" or "You're the grownup" or "You just don't like my daughter" and other nonsensical ruminations spewed directly from your mental block that prevents parents from thinking their kids are anything but angels.

And the gender roles part??? Completely unrealistic. Or at least should be for any woman worth her salt of womanhood. No way should you expect that of her, and no way should she agree. Besides, you already blew your chance at traditional and nuclear and your only options now are step family. I have mentioned some of the problems associated with step families and blending, and they were only a drop in the bucket, just a very and minute few because step families are riddled with problems. The great majority of them, that is. I've already written a novel here, so there's no way I could even attempt to try to enumerate all the problems step families experience, but I guarantee you have zero idea until you are in the middle of it all. To give you a clue though, I will ask you to recall what you understand to be our society's divorce rate. Whether accurate or not, most people would take a good guess at 50 percent. However, the divorce rate for step families is upwards of 72 percent. And that's only the failure rate of actual marriages. You'd have to add to that the failure rate of domestic relationships - meaning common law marriages recognized and unrecognized. The reason is that step family is an unnatural domestic state. The couple got married because they each other. There's nothing wrong with that. People will always re-partner. It isn't as though being parted by death or divorce means a sentence of eternal loneliness. So, we re-partner, but the problems the couple finds themselves facing are often insurmountable, and they soon learn that love really doesn't conquer all, that love really is not enough.

So, what does all that mean? It means you have related a sundry of red flags here that you're hoping to be able to ignore, but that would be your biggest mistake to date. The problem are already more than you care to have to handle, and there sooooooo much more yet to come.

As someone else stated, this is what meeting and dating is for - to find out if this is the right person for you. To rightfully analyze and scrutinize is very wise, but then what's the point if you're just going to justify marrying her anyway?




Aeirum said:


> She told me that her focus was not career but family and therefore she's happy with her associates degree and three day per week job that pays very well for what it is.


Seh is crazy, and she's only trying to snare you. Those are the typical words of woman trying to make the man she met, is dating, and hoping to marry think she is perfect for him, and make him thin she's just the girl he is looking for. It's what women do. Men also do and say things to make a good impression. For both, the real person surfaces after a while.

At any rate, you should want a woman who is education- and career-minded because the failure rate of step families is going to show you just how much LESS child support and alimony you could saved yourself. Your future wife's financial contribution to the household will mean you didn't spend the marriage as the sole or major provider, and then her earning potential will play a big part in calculating how much you have to pay or if you have to pay.....you know, at the end of that inevitable divorce you're so quickly trying to get to.


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## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

Thanks for the advice. As an addendum. My ex wife had two kids and we were married for seven years.


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## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

It's seem the general consensus is

1:we aren't compatible
2:accept her as she and her son is now or get out.

Thanks all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Aeirum said: **I'm my opinion her son is a mess. He think he's in charge and that there are no rules. He doesn't need to listen. I can just imagine how this would be in ten years.*


 I read your entire post.. the thing that stood out to me the strongest is ... her form or discipline -which seems to be NON EXISTENT....this all by itself... spells disaster all over it.....

I have a GF who'd give her son everything, she thought it was all "cute" too, she spoiled him rotten....he grew up to be such a handful, he talked back to her, ended up kicked out of school... one of his friends was stabbed to death...cops were at her house a # of times... and every man she met would NOT take the relationship further due to her SON.. she is now getting engaged only because her son is no longer in her life.

And boy oh boy if someone said anything against her parenting (or her son) back in the day, she'd take your head off.. so yeah.. if a couple is going to combine a family and this boy will be under your care...you NEED to be on the same page.. or hell will break loose.. 

She is doing him a grave disservice allowing him to run rampant like that.. it will catch up to her.. in 10 yrs, he will be out of control..

As another poster said.. she has shown you what to expect.. a messy house, she doesn't cook, cleaning seems no existent... this will NEVER WORK... not compatible at all !


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, while you're trying to sort this all out, my best advice is to ALWAYS use condoms.

I mean that in all sincerity.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

You can remain friends, but this kind of marriage will drive you insane, and eventually lead to a divorce. Your core values are arent compatible.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

It is burning me up that people are taking the mickey out of a woman (whom OP has described health conscience, sweet, with a career she enjoys) over her parenting skills or how her child came into existence. I find it hypocritical that you want a "traditional" family where you would expect her to parent your daughter but are unwilling to assume the task of being a father to her son. How much of her permissiveness is due to guilt that he does not have a father in his life? Am I correct in assuming that your ex is very involved with your daughter? Can the same be said of your GF's son's father? I doubt it. Your GF has to walk the fine balance of being both mother and father to her son while you have the benefit of already having a mother for your daughter. You haven't said anything nice about her son. Nothing. You would not make a good father to him anyway. You'd be doing them a favor by terminating this relationship.


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## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

The biological parent needs to be the primary disciplinarian. All biological parents are involved in both kids lives. My girlfriend even has a family network nearby which I dont. The more I experience them the more I realize where her behavior is coming from. She talk of her own mothers skills with disapproval yet she replicates them. Gf's little brother has been in jail multiple times and was brought up the same way as gf's son. My gf says that she was brought up strict while her brother was allowed to roam free. Gf's previous bf with whom she had a child was also a "bad boy". When we first started dating she said I'm over the whole "bad boy" thing.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Aeirum said:


> The biological parent needs to be the primary disciplinarian. All biological parents are involved in both kids lives. My girlfriend even has a family network nearby which I dont. The more I experience them the more I realize where her behavior is coming from. She talk of her own mothers skills with disapproval yet she replicates them. Gf's little brother has been in jail multiple times and was brought up the same way as gf's son. My gf says that she was brought up strict while her brother was allowed to roam free. Gf's previous bf with whom she had a child was also a "bad boy". When we first started dating she said I'm over the whole "bad boy" thing.


Ahhh, so your GF's ex is involved in the raising of her son? Is that what you are saying? So the onus is completely on her to make sure that the boy is not a troublemaker? The father has no say in how his son is raised? If the father IS involved and is not a disciplinarian how is the child's behavior all his mother's fault? 

She may very well be over the whole "bad boy" thing! This boy is very young. If you loved this boy and were willing to work with his mom you two would develop the appropriate discipline/permissive balance in your home. Together. You think she is likely to be hard on your daughter but permissive with her own kid? Would you be equal to both children? Be honest. Did I miss the post where you said you were wildly in love with her and her child and couldn't imagine your life without them?:scratchhead:


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## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

It seems that your gf has many good qualities that to the right partner would be great.

She is not focussed on home care but she is good at health care.

She is fun and loving but not a disciplinarian.

You two appear to have different backgrounds and different expectations from a happy married life.

So as you summarised, you either accept or leave. However, in my opinion, the only real showstopper is the discipline of her son. This is the main issue I would discuss with her and you are right, it has to come from the biological parent.

I would first come to terms with everything else before having this discussion though. She would need to know that you recognise the "good" in her and then she would feel comfortable to openly discuss this sensitive issue (since you are not the biological dad).


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Aeirum said:


> It's seem the general consensus is
> 
> 1:we aren't compatible
> 2:accept her as she and her son is now or get out.
> ...


Sounds like a good summary. I’d add however, accepting how this woman is raising her son should not be an option. 

Children who are raised with no sense of discipline and self-control are at a serious disadvantage in life and far more likely to become entangled with the criminal justice system. I’m wary of the negative affect this might have upon your daughter.

I don’t mean this to be an indictment of the woman as a single mother or anything like that but rather an indictment in how she has chosen to parent her child.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Erudite said:


> She may very well be over the whole "bad boy" thing! This boy is very young. *If you loved this boy* and were willing to work with his mom you two would develop the appropriate discipline/permissive balance in your home. Together. You think she is likely to be hard on your daughter but permissive with her own kid? *Would you be equal to both children? * Be honest. *Did I miss the post where you said you were wildly in love with her and her child and couldn't imagine your life without them?*:scratchhead:


Ahhh... Love. LOVE. Love is a many splendored thing.

Nowhere in his posts did he say he *loves* this boy. Nowhere did he say he is wildly in love with her child.

Sorry Erudite, but I think you should dust off your rose-colored glasses  Go back and read CarlaRose's post about Step Families. This is a huge obstacle for most to overcome. Especially when their parenting styles aren't on the same page, let alone the same book.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Ahhh... Love. LOVE. Love is a many splendored thing.
> 
> Nowhere in his posts did he say he *loves* this boy. Nowhere did he say he is wildly in love with her child.
> 
> Sorry Erudite, but I think you should dust off your rose-colored glasses  Go back and read CarlaRose's post about Step Families. This is a huge obstacle for most to overcome. Especially when their parenting styles aren't on the same page, let alone the same book.



But why look at the obstacles when there is nothing there to fight for, is what I am getting at. I am not saying that he doesn't have obstacles or that he should not have concern about how she chooses to parent IF he loves her. If he doesn't love her (the most he has communicated is mild affection) then what is the point? He doesn't say the boy has great qualities or would make a good brother or that he thinks he could make a positive impact on this child's life. Instead it's ALL negative. Certainly love may not be enough to keep a marriage solid. But it should at least be present before the relationship begins!  If these are the issues that are keeping him from falling for her, that is one thing. It doesn't even sound as if he's conflicted, really, which someone in love would be.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> OP, while you're trying to sort this all out, my best advice is to ALWAYS use condoms.
> 
> I mean that in all sincerity.


...and after you pull out, make sure you never let them leave your sight until you can dispose of them where your gf is nowhere to be seen.

And if you hear the words "I'm pregnant", insist on a paternity test.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Ahhh... Love. LOVE. Love is a many splendored thing.
> 
> Nowhere in his posts did he say he *loves* this boy. Nowhere did he say he is wildly in love with her child.
> 
> Sorry Erudite, but I think you should dust off your rose-colored glasses  Go back and read CarlaRose's post about Step Families. This is a huge obstacle for most to overcome. Especially when their parenting styles aren't on the same page, let alone the same book.


Yep. He's considering accepting them as they are. But he'll change his tune real fast and curse the day he ever met this woman when that kid starts constantly kicked out of school (starting at 7 years old LOL), stealing from him, fighting him, calling CPS on him with lies of abuse, and goodness knows what other horrors. But, whatever. Not my monkey. I tried and that's all I can do.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

There is a problem in this relationship, just falling in love is not enough to live together or to get married. I think you should slow down even consider ending this relationship. Trust your gut and what you see. I don't think she will change. Also, she cannot change the way she raises her son because she cannot even change herself or try to make a change. So very much she cannot give what she does not have. You can stay with her, but if you are ready to accept her they way she is. Otherwise, think again how you can end this relationship before you regret it. You already unhappy and I don't think you know or saw all negative side yet.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

This has run written all over it. My stepdaughter is an absolute hellion and her mother sucks at parenting with zero ambition to change that. I refuse to take this on myself and I've warned her its a matter of time before she ends up knocked up at 14 and can't control her, and I've made it very clear I'm not responsible for damage control. She's almost 6 and still throws temper tantrums followed by throwing herself on the floor.

My God, run. Sure birth control fails, but more often than not it gets assistance. Emotionally needy is a stinky perfume, and it'll suck your soul dry.


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## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

I have discussed the child raising issue several times. She has traditionally been receptive and listened to me but the last time I brought it up she actually snapped at me and told me that she was tired of hearing my criticism and that she's doing the best she can. She later apologized but it has left an impression of my mind that I do not need to tell her how to raise her son anymore. 







AriYarjan said:


> It seems that your gf has many good qualities that to the right partner would be great.
> 
> She is not focussed on home care but she is good at health care.
> 
> ...


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## Aeirum (Oct 5, 2012)

Aeirum said:


> I have discussed the child raising issue several times. She has traditionally been receptive and listened to me but the last time I brought it up she actually snapped at me and told me that she was tired of hearing my criticism and that she's doing the best she can. She later apologized but it has left an impression of my mind that I do not need to tell her how to raise her son anymore. I would love to be able to fix these issues but after year and a half I'm in the same spot with her. I go back-and-forth in my mind because we been casually dating for a long time now because I have not been ready to commit to serious relationship. In the last two months we've been moving in that direction I took her for a vacation to see my family and my parents and that didn't go too well. she was pretty withdrawn and not very interested in interacting with the family. After I took her to see my family overseas she says I'm never going anywhere cold again. Then I asked her so you don't want to go skiing in france for instance? She laughed and said sure because that's what Rich people do.
> 
> The things that interest me has no interest in her and vice versa. But I don't blame her. I thought making the dollhouse together could be fun but not a chore but fun. I thought an interesting documentary about a common interest could be good but her it's too sad. I thought going camping with the kids could be fun but she does not like roughing it as she says. I am into flying airplanes and I put on the movie about the red Baron thinking well it's a love story too so we can watch together but she goes on Instagram and Pinterest. She would love nothing more than to spend $3000 on the Disney cruise where I could not think of a worse way to spend that huge amount of money.
> 
> ...


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