# Very Confused What He was/is



## Mika55 (Nov 14, 2019)

Hi,
Thank you for taking time reading. . . this will be long. . .
I am trying to figure out what this "relationship" is/was and if I am totally naive and being taken advantage of. Me in mid-40s, he is 10 year old than me. Everything is online/on the phone/video, and due to our locations (we are a few states away) we never had a chance to meet. The added complication is I am still married. He is divorced but according to him it was really messy one and he is still very haunted by it.

Because this is a bit long and complicated timeline, I decided to make it a simple chronological list.

Spring of 2019 -- Mark and I "met" in SNS, just following each others basically.

In mid-July -- I sent him DM first. I had NO romantic interest when I did that I was only interested in his profession*(in academia). The reason I sent a DM is that I found out he is in the field that I once dreamed of and wanted to know more about it.

July & August -- we started to messaging each other, chatting sometime for hour or more. first work stuff, life in general, nothing really romantic, but it got more and more personal and flirtatious.

By mid-August -- Mark wanted to hear my voice, see me (picture or video) and he says there is something real between us and told me that he wants to sleep with me. I was still not unsure if this whole thing is worth destroying my marriage and what I have. But I was seriously falling for him.

End of Aug to early Sept -- had a lot of video chat, flirty texts and actively planning to meet like trying to schedule a flight or work etc.

Mid-Sept -- I finally told him that the trouble with my marriage (he knew there is something going on but i haven't told him) was because of my husband's infidelity years ago and I haven't go over it. But I also told him that our marriage is now a marriage of convenience but this arrangement is working for now.

The rest of September -- Mark got less available. Some good (upbeat and flirty, still wanted to meet) and bad (no reply to my messages)

Early October - I finally confronted him and he said he met somebody else. According to him, he was seriously falling for me but when I told him about my husband and marriage of convenience, he took it as "no thank you, I am OK with my man." And also according to him, he met this person via his work (again online) early Sept, and after intensive communication for 2-3 weeks, she visited him (flew in to his town!) and basically proposed to him and they slept together.

Mid- October - we communicated a few times as friends. All amicable, basically. But he was still telling me he was serious about us. I told him that I am still very hurt, but I hope his best. (What can I do? I am still married.) In fact, it was surprisingly difficult trying to get over it.

Early November - Mark and his new woman met again and spent a week during a work related conference. During this time for 10 days, I had no communication with him at all, this was the longest period of no communication since we started and I was almost getting over. Things are getting easier. I purged all our old texts and chats and photos etc.

Late last week -- Upon his return from the conference, he texted me. We exchanged friendly texts a few times that night. The next day, we video chatted. During the video chat, Mark suddenly told me that he is not sure about this woman, saying he is more attracted to me sexually. I told him that he should try a bit more for my sake. But again, the conversation gets more flirty and how he would like us to meet etc etc. However, he said he still have his business trip scheduled and she will be present in that in next month (in Dec.)

Last Sunday night - he texted me saying he is still preoccupied by the idea of sleeping with me.

Tuesday -- I texted him back saying that I would like that too. He texted me back saying we need to arrange us to meet, and we need to talk.

Wednesday (Today) -- I called him and whereupon he goes into a long speech of basically saying he has no intention of a commitment. He likes me and wish to make love to me but we have a big problem that we live far apart. And after his horrible divorce etc, he is not going to be constrained by social norm or moral and if/when he has opportunities he will take it etc. In the past, we did talk about that but it was not specific, it was more generalized view of life or thinking. Especially, when he met this woman he was telling me that he was not going to live a bachelor life any more and he sees the life with her etc etc. . . So stupidly, when he brought up that he still thinks about me, I thought he picked me and we will be exclusive (yes, I am still married so I thought we will work through that. . .) The conversation ended like, yes I still would like to sleep with you but I hope you understand my point of view. . . Keep in touch. .. bye.


so, a long story but what is this? What is he thinking? What does he want? Is he so afraid of commitment? But I didn't ask for it! Or just possibility of me asking for a commitment scared him? All these time, we were discussing about us meeting but we didn't talk about how or if we continue a long distance relationship etc etc. Am I just too naive to think that he is somehow genuinely likes/liked me? I don't really understand because if he really wants to sleep with me then he could have still done that all these time. Why goes all these trouble to tell me he still has feeling toward me or not then again still has. . . 

I do notice that when he is stressed out and depressed he gets in that strange mood, so I started to think he has an issue with mood swing? But most of the time, when we talk or chat or text, he is very funny, caring, and very intellectual. I am having difficulty comprehend all this. . .
Just to be clear, because of his profession, I could find may legit information about him online, so it is not like he is pretending to be somebody or making up all the stories.. . . of course, what in his mind, I have no clue at this point. . .


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

"Everything is online/on the phone/video, and due to our locations (we are a few states away) we never had a chance to meet. The added complication is I am still married."

I stopped reading at this point. 

This is not a relationship. Your mind can create someone to be something they are not.

Ask any woman on here about online dating .... Was that man really who you thought he was once you met him????

He will want sex ..... nothing more.

Finish the marriage your in .... then move on.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

So how long have you been married?, do you have children? Why do you say your marriage is for convince? Do you really want to throw your marriage out? Why do you not get a divorce first? Have you cheated before? What are your current issues in your marriage? What have you and your H done to correct the wrongs of the marriage? Has your husband cheated on you?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Mika55 said:


> he goes into a long speech of basically saying he has no intention of a commitment. He likes me and wish to make love to me..... he is not going to be constrained by social norm or moral and if/when he has opportunities he will take it etc.


That should have spelled it out for you. You have to learn how to listen, rather than think there is anything to figure.

Just because he doesn't have a moral fiber doesn't mean you shouldn't. Why are you meeting a man, developing an online relationship with him, falling in love with him, and trying to make plans to have sex while you're married to someone? I don't know what marriage of convenience means to you, but you're either married or you're not. Examine yourself for your own moral values because you really aren't displaying any right now. If you're desperate for love and attention, repair your marriage. If you don't want to do that, then divorce, and you'll be free to fall in love with all the men online that you want.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mika55 said:


> What does he want?


Are you serious when you ask this question?

The guy wants to get laid, that's what he wants. With NO strings attached.

The fool is LIKELY married and/or in a committed relationship and lives a fantasy life *online*. His phony story about a woman who he supposedly met online and a few weeks later flew to his state to _propose_ to him actually made me laugh out loud. That's just a phony story he gave you to keep you at arms length AND to explain why he suddenly can't be in touch with you for days at a time - it's likely because his wife/girlfriend is around or they're away together.

Years ago, I actually had a lying married men create *fake *medical documentation to 'prove' to me that he had cancer when he really didn't, because he wanted me to believe his time on earth was limited so I should take him up on his offer to get involved with him. THAT'S what these types of pigs will do to get themselves a little side action. If they'll fake a *terminal illness* in the hopes of getting lucky, then pretending a woman flew to him and proposed to him - without having to PROVE anything to you - is a sheer cake-walk.

Your first mistake is believing the *tripe* he's been feeding you.

You ask what he wants? The answer is, whatever women on the internet are willing to GIVE him without expecting a thing in return. THAT'S what he wants. Come on, this isn't rocket science for God's sakes.

Stop wasting your time on this internet Lothario. 

And for what it's worth, if your husband cheated on you years ago and that destroyed your marriage, why are you wasting your life and letting it pass you right on by, staying with him? Don't you think you DESERVE anything better than that?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mika55 said:


> Hi,
> I am trying to figure out what this "relationship" is/was
> 
> Everything is online/on the phone/video, and due to our locations (we are a few states away) we never had a chance to meet.


 You've never met and have no idea if you're actually in love or even sexually attracted to each other. You don't know this man. This man does not know you. This isn't a relationship. This is merely a fantasy.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

First of all you are married! Convenience or no convenience, you are married! And you have been cheating - emotionally so far with a strong intent to make it physical! That is wrong. You need to come clean to your husband. If he cheated before, you should have dealt with that first - not wait for an opportunity to sleep with someone else. Also it doesn't sound like you are necessary looking for a long term with this creep! Do the right thing. Come clean to your husband - decide to divorce or give the marriage a go. Whatever, you need to do that before you sleep or get into a relationship with anyone else. Surely you must realise that what you are doing is just plain wrong!!!

Next, this creep is a predator. He is looking for women to sleep with. He is blatantly telling you that. Of course he has no "relationship" with this other woman. He got to sleep with her and get his rocks off! He wants the same with you. For all you know, his story about his divorce could be a pack of lies. And if he is divorced, it sounds like it might have been due to his scumbag behaviour. You cannot be that naive, that you think he wants anything more than to sleep with you too. God knows how many other women he tries this on with - start online, then move in for the kill! In his case, if you must do anything, report him to his professional board and if you can find her, his ex (or maybe even current) wife!!! Expose him for the POS that he is!

Go and talk to your husband and reach a resolution. Do you think your husband will stay with you if he finds out what you have been doing and also what you were planning to do?

We cannot help you unless you are completely honest with yourself.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

manfromlamancha said:


> First of all you are married! Convenience or no convenience, you are married! And you have been cheating - emotionally so far with a strong intent to make it physical! That is wrong. You need to come clean to your husband. If he cheated before, you should have dealt with that first - not wait for an opportunity to sleep with someone else. Also it doesn't sound like you are necessary looking for a long term with this creep! Do the right thing. Come clean to your husband - decide to divorce or give the marriage a go. Whatever, you need to do that before you sleep or get into a relationship with anyone else. Surely you must realise that what you are doing is just plain wrong!!!
> 
> Next, this creep is a predator. He is looking for women to sleep with. He is blatantly telling you that. Of course he has no "relationship" with this other woman. He got to sleep with her and get his rocks off! He wants the same with you. For all you know, his story about his divorce could be a pack of lies. And if he is divorced, it sounds like it might have been due to his scumbag behaviour. You cannot be that naive, that you think he wants anything more than to sleep with you too. God knows how many other women he tries this on with - start online, then move in for the kill! In his case, if you must do anything, report him to his professional board and if you can find her, his ex (or maybe even current) wife!!! Expose him for the POS that he is!
> 
> ...


This is the best advice to you. You've got no business getting into an emotional relationship with another man while you are married. And I would say that if he wasn't a distance away, you would already have jumped into his bed or allowed him into yours. Right now you are a cheater. Break it off with this guy. You are nothing more to him than another notch on his bedpost. You need to be putting all this energy that you are wasting on this guy into saving your marriage. If you don't want to do that, then have the decency to get divorced before you go running after another man.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Mika55 said:


> Hi,
> Thank you for taking time reading. . . this will be long. . .
> I am trying to figure out what this "relationship" is/was and if I am totally naive and being taken advantage of. Me in mid-40s, he is 10 year old than me. Everything is online/on the phone/video, and due to our locations (we are a few states away) we never had a chance to meet.


This is not a relationship. End of story. 

It's clear that you are hurting and looking for someone to stop that hurt. This man is not the answer. I'm sorry, but he just isn't. If you continue with this you will only end up more hurt than you already are. 

I think you would benefit from some therapy to help you sort out what you need at this point in your life to make you happy. 

I wish you good luck.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Years ago, I actually had a lying married men create *fake *medical documentation to 'prove' to me that he had cancer when he really didn't, because he wanted me to believe his time on earth was limited so I should take him up on his offer to get involved with him. THAT'S what these types of pigs will do to get themselves a little side action. If they'll fake a *terminal illness* in the hopes of getting lucky, then pretending a woman flew to him and proposed to him - without having to PROVE anything to you - is a sheer cake-walk.


OMG !!!! Some of the things the women on here experience with online dating is unbelievable !!!!!!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*He's wanting the unmitigated thrill of sticking it in another woman, with absolutely no strings attached! As is, you're already an accommodating participant to an EA! Don't allow yourself to be a party to eventual heartbreak from a lout whose hormones are overactive!

You'd do well to either finish the marriage that you're already in, or get the necessary legal help in getting out of!*


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## Mika55 (Nov 14, 2019)

Hi,

Thank you very much for your comments. it is an eye opening that I feel so stupid. I know I am wasting my energy but I want to understand because a lot of my mental/emotional energy was spent for him a big chunk of this year. 

What I don't get is that he knew from early on we live apart and I won't just fly out to sleep with him. And if he wants to keep me in the possible list of women to sleep with, then why not keep it rather than suddenly bring up something I would definitely not agree to. 

As for the issue of if he is the person he claimed to be, yes I might be just naive too, but so far everything checks out. Because of his pseudo public status, I found a lot about his work, his past/current articles, even marriage/divorce etc. I even found blogs or SNS posts about him by somebody who used to work with him 10 years ago. . . I did a lot of this before I contacted him first and as well as when he initially started flirty because I was very worried. I even know his grown kids via SNS well before I knew his existence as well.

I might be just in denial waiting to believe that I was not that stupid. . .:frown2:


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

Neither of you is available for a relationship...1, because you are married, and 2, because he doesn't want one.
You are both thriving on fantasy...yours is that he will somehow turn into Prince charming and save you, and his is that you will fly to him for sex.
He has got you on the hook and he knows it...
It will never have a happy ending...not for you anyway


Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> "Everything is online/on the phone/video, and due to our locations (we are a few states away) we never had a chance to meet. The added complication is I am still married."
> 
> I stopped reading at this point.
> 
> ...


With this here.... :iagree:


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What goes?

You started an imaginary affair with someone and it confused you.

The end.


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## Mika55 (Nov 14, 2019)

Thank you so much for your comments. I feel so stupid but still a bit in denial.

I guess I still want to understand why/what because I put a lot of energy to this a big chunk of this year. What I don't understand is that if he wants to sleep with me and that all he wanted, then what's the point of telling other thing like commitments or other woman. If I were that type of guy, I would just keep it quiet, without offering any extra info. He knew from the start we live far away and if we kept it open as we will still have opportunities in the future that each other will visit our towns. etc. 

It is not like _!_ wanted to sleep with him (I mean, of course, I have/had strong attraction to him) but I am hurt that all these time all these interesting and deep conversations about life and books and everything, if all what he wanted to was sleeping with me or whoever shows up at his door step. And I sort of still denying that. I know it sounds pathetic, but. . . 

As for the online persona, yes, I understand the danger of it. And that's why I was extremely careful and he still doesn't know my address or much other personal info. I did not send or show anything remotely compromise pictures or video either. When I first contacted him and once he started to flirt with me, I did a lot of online search to make sure he is who he says. Because of his profession and past, I found many reliable info (including his past co-workers blogs) about him, so while we never know what goes in this mind, his work, family, marriage/divorce, and career are all checked out with what I read and what came out during our conversations. I even knew his adult kids via SNS before I "met" him, so my guard might have been off a bit. . .


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You sure you weren't catfished?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mika55 said:


> I am hurt that all these time all these interesting and deep conversations about life and books and everything, if all what he wanted to was sleeping with me or whoever shows up at his door step.


Well, maybe he also is caught up in this online fantasy. Maybe he thinks you are "the one". It happens. But the thing is, you don't know each other, not really. Maybe if you met each other you'd form a dislike. 

And there's also the small matter that you are still married.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Mika55 said:


> Thank you so much for your comments. I feel so stupid but still a bit in denial.
> 
> I guess I still want to understand why/what because I put a lot of energy to this a big chunk of this year. What I don't understand is that if he wants to sleep with me and that all he wanted, then what's the point of telling other thing like commitments or other woman. If I were that type of guy, I would just keep it quiet, without offering any extra info. He knew from the start we live far away and if we kept it open as we will still have opportunities in the future that each other will visit our towns. etc.
> 
> ...



You didn't address the part about you being married already.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

He is a pseudo celebrity! From academia! That is now divorced (wonder why)! That now wants to use his pseudo fame to screw other women! Really !?!?!? Never thought I would see that happen rolleyes

But first, lets focus on you! As somebody pointed out you still haven't addressed the fact that you are married! On the one hand you say you did not want to sleep with him but was only impressed by his academic skills and achievements, but on the other hand you say that you are attracted to him. You then justify your actions with him by saying that it is due to the fact that your husband engaged in some infidelity (you did not say what infidelity) some time ago (you did not say how long ago) which you say you haven't quite got over (you did not say how it was handled at the time). And so you feel that you can now act on your attraction freely and are surprised that he just wants to sleep with you and nothing else.

It would be useful to know which part of the world you are in as you do not sound like you are from the USA or UK. More details on the past infidelity of your husband and how it was handled would also be very useful in helping you. In fact you havent said very much about your marriage at all!


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Setting aside the fact that you are contemplating cheating on your husband, why would you want to have anything to do with a guy that was pressuring a married woman to commit adultery with him? When is that ever not a sign that this guy is a bad catch? As long as you are a married woman, any guy that pursues you is likely to be a cheating lowlife in disguise. Focus on fixing yourself before you go looking for others.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is not/was not an actual relationship. And you are a cheater. Not sure what is so confusing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mika55 said:


> Hi,
> Thank you for taking time reading. . . this will be long. . .
> I am trying to figure out what this "relationship" is/was and if I am totally naive and being taken advantage of. Me in mid-40s, he is 10 year old than me. Everything is online/on the phone/video, and due to our locations (we are a few states away) we never had a chance to meet. The added complication is I am still married. He is divorced but according to him it was really messy one and he is still very haunted by it.
> 
> ...


If you put as much effort into your marriage as you do running after this guy, you might have a good one. 
Divorce your husband before you start this kind of nonsense.incidentally, the academic just wants to f*** you, there is no relationship, except in your head. For a woman your age you have an immature approach to relationships. I’d suggest you spend time on yourself with a therapist.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP do you really need to ask your question? You're a married woman trolling the internet for a "friend". In guy speak that's a **** buddy. The guy certainly has some fault as well knowing you're married, but he has made it clear he's never going to date you, he just wants to have sex.

But you knew the answer before even posting the question, right? He told you exactly what he has in mind.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re married and apparently looking for a little excitement with a fantasy online “relationship”. He’s (supposedly) single and obviously just looking for sex. The other woman didn’t work out so he’s trying again with you. Block him and either repair your marriage or get a divorce so you’ll be free to decide if fantasy online “relationships” are what you really want in life. My guess is the answer will be no. In the meantime, move on.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mika55 said:


> Thank you so much for your comments. I feel so stupid but still a bit in denial.
> 
> I guess I still want to understand why/what because I put a lot of energy to this a big chunk of this year. What I don't understand is that if he wants to sleep with me and that all he wanted, then what's the point of telling other thing like commitments or other woman. If I were that type of guy, I would just keep it quiet, without offering any extra info. He knew from the start we live far away and if we kept it open as we will still have opportunities in the future that each other will visit our towns. etc.
> 
> ...


Let me try again.

You literally do not know this man. I can hit up the web and collect a metric ton of information on a person including videos, pictures, etc. That still doesn't mean I know that person. You never know a person until you spent time, in person, with them in multiple types of situations. 

You _imagine_ yourself sexually attracted to him, but you cannot know that unless/until you are physically in his presence and can learn how he smells, moves, sounds, feels and so on. You have no sensory data for your brain to even begin to process sexual attraction or lack of. 

Why keep this going with you? Why not? You feed him ego kibbles and are a great way to kill some time.

Why tell you about other women? To make himself more appealing to you, that's why. It's a manipulation. If you think he has other women chasing after him, whether or not it's true, the hope is your competitive instincts, your insecurities, and unhappiness will compel you to cling tighter in an effort to win him, the "prize". More attention for him. More ego stroking. Dance, puppet, dance!!

I think you are having a hard time letting go of denial because you turned to this faux affair to escape an unhappy situation. You invested months and months in this "relationship" because it was easier than doing something about your actual real life. Once you let go of denial you'll have to face the reality you've been avoiding.

Google search "sunk cost fallacy".


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I only read until you told him that you were having trouble in your marriage.

Why are you talking with a man online who is not your husband?

If you are unhappy in your marriage, fix that, or divorce him. THEN talk with men online.

The fact that he quit talking with you after you told him you are married says that he doesn't want to be an "Other Man."

Leave him alone! Either work on your marriage or divorce. Don't drag unsuspecting men into your web.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mika55 said:


> Hi,
> Thank you for taking time reading. . . this will be long. . .
> I am trying to figure out what this "relationship" is/was and if I am totally naive and being taken advantage of. Me in mid-40s, he is 10 year old than me. Everything is online/on the phone/video, and due to our locations (we are a few states away) we never had a chance to meet. The added complication is I am still married. He is divorced but according to him it was really messy one and he is still very haunted by it.
> 
> ...


Just re-read your timeline. Can't see anything there about you trying to fix your marriage. Why was that?


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