# My parents disowned me because my husband is black – now they want to reconcile



## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

Hey, all

I’m from South Africa. I’m white. My husband is also South African, and he’s black. We live in Canada. We have four wonderful, beautiful children.

We got together when we were both 15. My husband’s parents worked for my parents. His mother was a housemaid, and my father in law was the gardener. The connection with my family and my husband’s family goes all the way back to our grandparents. My husband and his family lived on my parents’ estate (both my parents come from wealth). I’ve known my husband ever since I could talk. We came up together. He’s my brother and best friend.

I’m sure most of you will be aware of South Africa’s horrific and shameful racial history. When I was growing up, my parents were more liberal (we’re talking Apartheid South Africa standards here) than other Afrikaans families. Growing up, I was allowed to play with my husband and his wonderful sister. We forged a bond as a trio. At 15, my husband and I began “dating.” Although in all honesty, it was just the two of us meeting in secret and making out!

Even at 15, and even with my parents being more open-minded than other parents, we knew there was no way we could make our relationship known (the only other who person who knew was his sister). We knew the repercussions would be great. But we didn’t stop. What started out as kissing and touching developed into love. When I was 18, I went off to university, which gave us much more freedom regarding how we got together (I stayed on campus). We were eventually discovered when we were 22. 

One night we had both been drinking, and I stupidly decided to sleep in my husband’s room (it was more of a summerhouse). My uncle saw me leaving his place in the early hours of the morning (that drunken vampire always stayed up at night – just him and his bottle of whisky). He snitched to my parents and all hell broke loose.

God, just recalling the events of that morning makes me shudder even today. I have never seen my parents so angry. My opinion of them completely changed after that day. My dad physically assaulted my husband, mom threw my clothes out the house. They used racial epithets they had never used before in front of me. At that time, my husband’s parents had passed away – him and sister had taken over the house duties from their parents. They fired them (something I’ll never stop feeling guilty about).

I was working at the time, so I was able to find a small apartment with my husband and his sister. It wasn’t easy, but we made it. I was completely ostracized from my family and from the white community. I was pariah in every sense of the word. It was the most difficult time of my life – but my husband and sister in law always had my back. When apartheid ended, my husband was able to get his degree at university. After that, we paid for his sister to also go to school and get her degree.

We now live in Canada. Migrated 11 years ago. My sister in law lives in the UK. My husband and I have four great kids. A handful at times, but they’ll always be my babies, no matter how big they get. I recently heard from parents. My aunt (dad’s sister) is the only person who stayed by my side when I was disowned. She helped my husband and I tremendously during those early, difficult years of being on our own. Her family despised her for it – but she told them to “f**k off and mind their own business.” She will always be my hero. My parents recently gave her a letter to send to me.

In it, my parents apologized for everything that happened. And how they are not the same people anymore. That they have always loved me and want to me their grandchildren. – that they have always seen my husband as a son (due to the long-standing connection with our families). And that they also want to give everything to me when they pass (I’m an only child).

I didn’t know how to feel about the letter. I’ll admit to crying when I read it. Brought up old emotions and wounds. I spoke to my aunt on the phone, and she told me she really does think what they wrote is genuine. She told me they are at an age where they are confronting their own mortality, and the mistakes they made in the past are haunting them. That they want to rectify them. My husband has told me he’ll back whatever decision I make.

On one hand, I would really like to think my parents have changed. And it would be nice for the kids to have grandparents, since my husband’s parents passed before they were born. However, on the flip side, both mine and my husband’s biggest concern is the kids. We don’t want to expose them to any semblance of racism or colorism. Especially from their own “grandparents.”

Would appreciate any advice on the situation.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with you aunt. Your parents probably realize that the regrets they have about what happened far out way whatever issues they have with what happened. I am sure they miss you and they probably miss your H and DIL as well. I do not know them but I am sure whatever apprehension they felt towards them was heightened by the closeness they felt towards them as well. In a way they may have been taken by surprise as if you were sleeping with your real brother.
I would send them a letter as well and express your concerns, all of them. See how they respond. As your aunt said they may be facing their own mortality and not want to go to their graves astranged from their child and those she loves.


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

Ynot said:


> I agree with you aunt. Your parents probably realize that the regrets they have about what happened far out way whatever issues they have with what happened. I am sure they miss you and they probably miss your H and DIL as well. I do not know them but I am sure whatever apprehension they felt towards them was heightened by the closeness they felt towards them as well. In a way they may have been taken by surprise as if you were sleeping with your real brother.
> I would send them a letter as well and express your concerns, all of them. See how they respond. As your aunt said they may be facing their own mortality and not want to go to their graves astranged from their child and those she loves.


Yes, they were definitely shocked. Prior getting discovered, we were together for 7 years. Not once in those 7 years did we reveal what was going on between us. 

What makes me reserved are the things they said when they found out. Horrible, disgusting things. And they went more than 2 decades without attempting to establish a connection.

The advantage (when looking at approaching this situation with baby steps) is that we live in different countries. I guess approaching the situation tentatively with a letter wouldn't hurt.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

The letters back and forth in preperation to physically neet are a great idea. Hopefully this tragic fsmily split ends in a loving, sincere, and way over due reconsiliation. 

Do your children know they have living grandparents?

Another thing that may help is phone calls, then maybe face time before in person meetings? Your children deserve nothing but love and pampering from your parents. Anything less is unacceptable and your kids comfort and well being needs to be top priority for your parents. How sad that race deprived your parents and your children to the overwhelming joy of loving and spoiling your baby's babies. Speaking through my own grandma experience I can say that my relationship with my grand kids is a love and experience like no other! 

It is never too late to give and receive that precious gift that only grand children can give us their grand parents.


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

Yes, they do. They are all old enough to comprehend what happened. We explained to them when we felt comfortable about letting them know. My eldest daughter inquires a lot about our family history. I have some family albums that I kept all these years and she likes to look at them.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Are they healthy enough for travel?

Invite them to Canada... a country where race makes little difference and the people there live their color-blind happiness.

I wouldn't go back to SA... why invite other suffering?

ETA: Oh! And set up an ability to teleconference... letters are nice but faces tell you much better how things really are. Sometimes printed words lead in directions unintended as they cannot be real-time explained.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I wouldn't ever let them back into my life after that. 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Are they healthy enough for travel?
> 
> Invite them to Canada... a country where race makes little difference and the people there live their color-blind happiness.
> 
> I wouldn't go back to SA... why invite other suffering?


Yes, one of the reasons we moved from SA was because race is still a big issue there, despite Apartheid ending in the late 90s. Canada isn't a racial utopia but in comparison with SA, it definitely is! We love it here. Have never had any issues.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Sorry, I added some after I posted... how about a teleconference like Skype, Oovoo, or other teleconference to get off the ground?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

kag123 said:


> I wouldn't ever let them back into my life after that.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Agreed, would just give them the finger and move on... let them die off after I've disowned THEM.
@justamom

I do believe they are being sincere, when people get older generally they start thinking about the choices they've made in life and whether it is the right one. They sound likely willing to reconcile. However, bear in mind that reconciliation will open up a gateway back to that world, black&white, yadda yadda yadda, all the things you hated. Your parents carry it with them, it's just the generation gap. They won't change, even if they want to change, they simply won't know how. It's up to you whether you want to give them the opportunity to try at least. As for the influencing though, your children will encounter racism sooner or later, though it's minor in developed countries compared to South Africa.

Personally I would just give them the finger, mostly out of spite, but it's up to you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Utopia is only found in books... 

Even as the the thoughts of it trigger, the pain you suffered is behind you where it should be... video-conference (I said teleconference earlier but meant using technology in general) is a safe bet to:

1. Limit a conversation going a direction you do not want.

2. You can invite the kids into it when ready.

3. You do a little or much of it as you want on demand.

4. Gives you time to breath in-between.

I am a big believer in the power of forgiveness... more for self than anyone. It creates a freedom to move in directions that one never would other-wise.

Start this path in small steps... you know what you want and don't want but be careful that your caution is seen clearly so your new eyes aren't looking for things that may no longer be there.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Your parents sound like typical modern-day liberals. They encouraged bi-racial interaction as a means of social change. But then reality set in when you made your decision to date/marry and they couldn't accept it. So the ideals of racial harmony were a good idea (for everyone else), but they couldn't rectify it in their own house. Such hypocrites!

I am a conservative and I live my convictions and choices everyday.


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Utopia is only found in books...
> 
> Even as the the thoughts of it trigger, the pain you suffered is behind you where it should be... video-conference (I said teleconference earlier but meant using technology in general) is a safe bet to:
> 
> ...


 You know, I thought I had put everything behind me. I guess being a wife and mother of four, I was too busy all these years to really think about the old wounds. But them getting in touch has made me realize the wounds are still there.


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Agreed, would just give them the finger and move on... let them die off after I've disowned THEM.
> 
> @justamom
> 
> ...


The things you mention about the generational gap is what my husband and I fear the most. Of course (sadly so) I know my kids will experience a semblance of racism or colorism as they grow up and make their own ways in life, but I definitely don't want any of that coming from their own grandparents. I don't think they would do it in an overly aggressive sense, but in an ignorant and don't know the impact of their words kind of way? Possible.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

justamom said:


> You know, I thought I had put everything behind me. I guess being a wife and mother of four, I was too busy all these years to really think about the old wounds. But them getting in touch has made me realize the wounds are still there.


What are your husbands feelings with this?

You are a team, you have weathered the storm together... you will need each other's backs no matter how you approach this.

Time to let those older sad thoughts go no matter which direction you choose... if you are going to release them anyway then reach out without regret because only you can decide and control how long you will keep them.

Kindness, compassion, and forgiveness, it's what you wish your children to learn and no better way to teach them than to live it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

justamom said:


> The things you mention about the generational gap is what my husband and I fear the most. Of course (sadly so) I know my kids will experience a semblance of racism or colorism as they grow up and make their own ways in life, but *I definitely don't want any of that coming from their own grandparents. I don't think they would do it in an overly aggressive sense, but in an ignorant and don't know the impact of their words kind of way? Possible.*


Teaching moment. The reality is your family was raised in a very different social climate and racism was the norm for them. Every brood of kids seems to have a family historian. To truly understand the family history, your kid is going to need to understand the context, especially considering the unique history of where your ancestors came from and where they settled generations ago. If you explain such to your kids they will understand any comments made in ignorance. Then, hopefully, they can calmly correct their grandparents by enlightening them.

For what it's worth, I do believe your parents are sincere. I've watched folks age and I have aged myself. The world changes, we re-evaluate every so often and change ourselves, we look back with new eyes, we regret, and the closer we get to death the more we realize that some things we made such a big deal of aren't as important as we thought. Like race. 

At the end of the day, children are your parents little slice of immortality. They'll carry the family genes into perpetuity. That's a very big comfort to those approaching the end of their lives. Your kids are their link to the future and your parents are your kids link to their past. I hope you'll arrange for them to at least meet via video chat.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

kag123 said:


> I wouldn't ever let them back into my life after that.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Then you are an idiot. Sorry to say. 

This isn't about some random person who hurt you, a spouse that cheated or one who just walked away. This is about her parents and the grandparents of her children. If you would refuse to allow opportunity to re-establish some variant of that bond, regardless of what happen, take place, you have some major issues of your own you need to deal with.
Have you never reacted badly, made a mistake, severed ties and years later not realized what a giant void you created in your own life?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Agreed, would just give them the finger and move on... let them die off after I've disowned THEM.
> 
> @justamom
> 
> ...


I normally agree with most of what you post, but I strongly disagree with some of your points here. The fact is the parents have changed. They reached out to her, which is a polar change from before. 

The world has changed - hasn't yours? Have you not changed along with it? Why would you ever do anything out of spite, because 99% of the time when you do, you end you up being the one who loses.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was brought up in an ultra-conservative Southern state during the very dark period of segregation and all that went with that. Some people change and some do not. Sounds like your parents have. If you and your husband want them back in your life, then that's what you should do.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ynot said:


> Then you are an idiot. Sorry to say.
> 
> This isn't about some random person who hurt you, a spouse that cheated or one who just walked away. This is about her parents and the grandparents of her children. If you would refuse to allow opportunity to re-establish some variant of that bond, regardless of what happen, take place, you have some major issues of your own you need to deal with.
> Have you never reacted badly, made a mistake, severed ties and years later not realized what a giant void you created in your own life?


Let's agree to disagree. 

I think some things are unforgivable, and for me it would be entirely based upon NOT wanting my children exposed to someone like these grandparents. If no children were involved, I may feel differently. 

I don't think children NEED grandparents in order to have a full and happy life. 

I don't think anyone deserves to be part of my children's life just because of a blood relation. 

"People make mistakes", "People change". While that may be true, some mistakes are never erased. Hate and bigotry are big ones, in my book. 



Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

kag123 said:


> Let's agree to disagree.
> 
> I think some things are unforgivable, and for me it would be entirely based upon NOT wanting my children exposed to someone like these grandparents. If no children were involved, I may feel differently.
> 
> ...


I see but you are talking out of both sides of your mouth. You would reject out of hand an effort to reconcile without having any knowledge of whether or not the grandparents have actually changed. Maybe they have seen the light of living thru a post apartheid South Africa and now realize those "Colored" people that they had been indoctrinated to look down upon by the Nationalist Party leaders was a joke after all and that their SIL is not "beneath them" but rather an equal
You are right about one thing, we can agree to disagree because I strongly object to your opinion. It is ironic that you would actually use similar hate and bigotry to oppose a reconciliation of a split that apparently was caused by hate and bigotry in the first place.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

People can change, I believe cautiously allowing the opportunity for your parents to to display the change will not only help them but the wounds you obviously have experienced as a result of their actions (back then). 

It is hard when it is your own parents, but if you decide to forgive, you will quickly find out it is more about how it helps you move forward than their own healing. 

I would suggest reconnecting, just do so cautiously and let them understand this has to happen in small digestible steps. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Sorry, I added some after I posted... how about a teleconference like Skype, Oovoo, or other teleconference to get off the ground?


That is what I meant with Facetime. I use it all the time when I talk to my grandkids. I do this via their Ipads too.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Toxic is toxic. Family included. I would approach cautiously with phone, email & video chats. You have control over what your children are exposed to. If you see things coming forth that you do not want your children exposed to, cut it off. If they prove their selves over a period of time then great. If not then so be it. 

Although my family dynamic is from a different place, there's no way in hell or heaven that I would expose my children to that level of thinking. Wrong is wrong. In my particular circumstance, the train of thought was perpetuated so I thought it was best to cut ties. Now that my children are adults, it is completely up to them if they want to pursue relationships with the family. As of now, they have not. 

Another thought is that if reconnecting this relationship brings back too many hurtful things for you, then don't. Let your children pursue it on their own terms when they are ready. I doubt they would want to see mom opening up old wounds to make someone(s) conscious feel better after a lifetime of letting it simmer. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Personally, I would give them a chance and see where it leads. Take it slowly and let them know up front that racism of any kind will not be tolerated.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Welcome your parents' apologies!! I wish you the best, family is real important. I understand about race dividing....I am white and my black boyfriend broke up with me just 2 weeks ago as he felt it was going to be a difficult road for us the travel together. I REALLY wish people would wake up.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

The differences in skin tone, facial features etc... are nothing more than slight adaptations to the environment you live in. 
Without a lot of sun your body needs less melanin, in colder climates the nose becomes more narrow to allow air to heat up, in the African plains the nose becomes broader to allow the air to cool and bring in more oxygen. I don't dismiss how race and color impacts people today, it does, it's a huge issue, and I'm not sure how I would feel if my daughter dated a black man to be honest, I wouldn't object but I would feel a bit like my lineage dies because the grand-children would only identify as black, and not acknowledge my ancestry. But it doesn't change the fact that in 2000 years humanity won't understand at all our obsession over it.


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> What are your husbands feelings with this?
> 
> You are a team, you have weathered the storm together... you will need each other's backs no matter how you approach this.
> 
> ...


My husband is the most forgiving and compassionate person I know. He still has tremendous love for my parents, despite everything that happened. Like I wrote, our families have a long-standing connection. He's known them ever since he was born. He said it would be good to put everything behind us and reconcile, but he did say it is ultimately my choice and he'll back whatever decision I make.


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

knobcreek said:


> The differences in skin tone, facial features etc... are nothing more than slight adaptations to the environment you live in.
> Without a lot of sun your body needs less melanin, in colder climates the nose becomes more narrow to allow air to heat up, in the African plains the nose becomes broader to allow the air to cool and bring in more oxygen. I don't dismiss how race and color impacts people today, it does, it's a huge issue, and I'm not sure how I would feel if my daughter dated a black man to be honest, I wouldn't object but I would feel a bit like my lineage dies because the grand-children would only identify as black, and not acknowledge my ancestry. But it doesn't change the fact that in 2000 years humanity won't understand at all our obsession over it.


One of my colleagues at work has biracial grandchildren. He said that in the beginning, he was also a bit reserved about it - mentioned your same reservations. But he said when the kids were born, all that went out the window. He immediately fell in love with them. 

As for identifying as black - a lot of that goes back to the "one drop rule." It's ironic - in SA, mixed people are pretty much an individual race known as "********."


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Teaching moment. The reality is your family was raised in a very different social climate and racism was the norm for them. Every brood of kids seems to have a family historian. To truly understand the family history, your kid is going to need to understand the context, especially considering the unique history of where your ancestors came from and where they settled generations ago. If you explain such to your kids they will understand any comments made in ignorance. Then, hopefully, they can calmly correct their grandparents by enlightening them.
> 
> For what it's worth, I do believe your parents are sincere. I've watched folks age and I have aged myself. The world changes, we re-evaluate every so often and change ourselves, we look back with new eyes, we regret, and the closer we get to death the more we realize that some things we made such a big deal of aren't as important as we thought. Like race.
> 
> At the end of the day, children are your parents little slice of immortality. They'll carry the family genes into perpetuity. That's a very big comfort to those approaching the end of their lives. Your kids are their link to the future and your parents are your kids link to their past. I hope you'll arrange for them to at least meet via video chat.


Thank you for this comment.


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

AVR1962 said:


> Welcome your parents' apologies!! I wish you the best, family is real important. I understand about race dividing....I am white and my black boyfriend broke up with me just 2 weeks ago as he felt it was going to be a difficult road for us the travel together. I REALLY wish people would wake up.


Yes, it wasn't easy for us, either. Came close to breaking up a few times. But we kept at it. So glad we did!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yes, I would definitely forgive them and welcome them cautiously back into your lives.
We have so very limited time with our parents/grandparents...I wouldn't waste any more of it holding a (merited) grudge. Forgiveness of them is also a beautiful lesson for your kids to learn from. 

I hope your reunion is amazing!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

justamom said:


> Hey, all
> 
> I’m from South Africa. I’m white. My husband is also South African, and he’s black. We live in Canada. We have four wonderful, beautiful children.
> 
> ...


I would go for it, it is highly like due to events in SA in the last decade and their own mortality they have begun to realise the error of their ways. Meet them, if it goes well wonderful, if it does not then you know and its no worried, you go back to Canada. YOu would be foolish to miss out on this opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation, I suspect you will not regret it.
It would also serve as a wonderful example of reconciliation for your children. We always want our children to forgive us and still be our kids, this will be a gift to your parents and to your children. Do it.

BTW how old are you both and your kids?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Please don't expect Skype to work too well between Canada and SA. So emails are probably better.

(I speak from personal experience, here.)


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

aine said:


> I would go for it, it is highly like due to events in SA in the last decade and their own mortality they have begun to realise the error of their ways. Meet them, if it goes well wonderful, if it does not then you know and its no worried, you go back to Canada. YOu would be foolish to miss out on this opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation, I suspect you will not regret it.
> It would also serve as a wonderful example of reconciliation for your children. We always want our children to forgive us and still be our kids, this will be a gift to your parents and to your children. Do it.
> 
> BTW how old are you both and your kids?


We're both 44. The kids are 16 (daughter), 14 (daughter) and two twin boys who are 11.


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Yes, I would definitely forgive them and welcome them cautiously back into your lives.
> We have so very limited time with our parents/grandparents...I wouldn't waste any more of it holding a (merited) grudge. Forgiveness of them is also a beautiful lesson for your kids to learn from.
> 
> I hope your reunion is amazing!



You're right about it being important for the kids to learn the value of forgiveness. We have explained to them about their father and I, and how things went down. My 16 year old loves to look at old family photographs of my husband and I when we were children together. Some of those pictures have their grandparents in them and she likes that.


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## justamom (Sep 3, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Please don't expect Skype to work too well between Canada and SA. So emails are probably better.
> 
> (I speak from personal experience, here.)


I agree. I actually use Facebook when I want to make voice calls through the net.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

justamom said:


> I agree. I actually use Facebook when I want to make voice calls through the net.


We have regular meetings with offices in different continents, including South Africa. Poor old SA keeps cutting out!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

justamom said:


> My husband is the most forgiving and compassionate person I know. He still has tremendous love for my parents, despite everything that happened. Like I wrote, our families have a long-standing connection. He's known them ever since he was born. He said it would be good to put everything behind us and reconcile, but he did say it is ultimately my choice and he'll back whatever decision I make.


He sounds like a beautiful man 

Your children are old enough, I think, to begin to understand about different generations and how they grew up, how beliefs change over time etc. This could be a great lesson in forgiveness for them.

I'm sure you and your husband will make the right decision for your family.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

They _might_ have changed but if they behaved as horribly as you say they have and cut off contact for all those years, they have a lot more to prove then a heartfelt letter before you should let them back in your lives. Especially before you let them around your children. I don't think racists change anymore than a tiger changes it's stripes. Not to any large degree anyway. But that's just my personal opinion.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ynot said:


> I normally agree with most of what you post, but I strongly disagree with some of your points here. The fact is the parents have changed. They reached out to her, which is a polar change from before.
> 
> The world has changed - hasn't yours? Have you not changed along with it? *Why would you ever do anything out of spite, because 99% of the time when you do, you end you up being the one who loses.*


On the contrary, I've done many things out of spite, and I like to "drink the blood of my enemies" so to speak. It's a lifestyle choice. 

'Tis why I presented to OP both options


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> On the contrary, I've done many things out of spite, and I like to "drink the blood of my enemies" so to speak. It's a lifestyle choice.
> 
> 'Tis why I presented to OP both options


I can understand drinking the blood of your enemies, but in this case the OP's "enemies" were her parents who had reached out to her. Had they just blown her off and continued to be that way I would agree with you. But in this case they actually are trying to make amends. At the very least the OP should reciprocate. She may find they haven't changed, and choose to not move forward with a reconciliation with them, or it could be the start of a whole new relationship with them.


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## WhyHappyPeopleCheat (Sep 7, 2017)

Jasel said:


> They _might_ have changed but if they behaved as horribly as you say they have and cut off contact for all those years, they have a lot more to prove then a heartfelt letter before you should let them back in your lives. Especially before you let them around your children. I don't think racists change anymore than a tiger changes it's stripes. Not to any large degree anyway. But that's just my personal opinion.


I have only seen one situation in which sending a heartfelt letter worked and that was when the parents cut the couple out for 3 months. Then they were public ally shamed by the community and once they were let back into the couple's lives they did a LOT OF HEAVY LIFTING. 

The other parental unit still disprove and did so for years, harassed the couple and expect to be let back in without any heavy lifting. Its like taking back a cheating spouse....they have to show true remorse and consistent action. Nothing is ever "never" (haha) but the highest probability is that they are not worth taking back in. 

Actions speak louder than words.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Please don't expect Skype to work too well between Canada and SA. So emails are probably better.
> 
> (I speak from personal experience, here.)


I've had better luck with Facebook messenger for video calls.


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## sissyphus (Feb 1, 2012)

Give your parents the benefit of a doubt. they made the first move at reconciliation. the fact that your children never met their grandparents from your husband's side is a lost that they will never experience. your parents were living in a country that practiced apartheid for years. you're more progressive in your thinking. give your parents a chance, you hold the upper hand if it doesn't work out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I was brought up in an ultra-conservative Southern state during the very dark period of segregation and all that went with that. Some people change and some do not. Sounds like your parents have. If you and your husband want them back in your life, then that's what you should do.


Yeah...

I was brought up in a prejudicial home. Most in the city were racially biased and white-tribal, 

By refusing to forgive, you are sending the message that you too, are rigid and unenlightened.
Just like they were. You are repeating the same mistakes in your life.

You will be no better than the parents [were] at that time.

They changed, what is your' excuse?

By the way, this meeting may go sour and may not be healing.

But, if you let it occur, it will not be for lack of trying on your part.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sure, I would give them the opportunity to reconcile. My parents objected to my wife, we got over it and they are very close.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

All I will say is protect your kids. People who grow up with ingrained racism usually don't even know they are doing it. The first time they treat your kids like something is wrong with them, or they had a disability because they are mixed that would be it for me. Besides that how will that make your husband feel. He should be the ultimate decider.


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