# Wife Can't Stand My Weekly Guys Night Out...



## steely

Hello everyone.

Well, my wife and I have been married for less then a year and already are having issues. For the past 10 years my friends and I have had a weekly get together where all we do is watch a movie or play video games. When my wife and I started dating I was going to my friends weekly get together once every two weeks. Now that my wife and I are married I want to see my buddies once a week but she cannot stand it.

My wife says that my behavior is not normal and that any wife would not want her husband gone once a week. Please keep in my mind that unlike myself my wife doesnt have friends close by to spend time with. Each time I see my friends she gives me a guilt trip about the weekend being for couple time and how she will just stay at home alone... I do spend time with my wife during the week and on Saturday and Sunday but I want the option to have most Fridays (could be Sat) to spend a few hours with my friends. My wife even went as far to tell me that my close friendship with my buddies is not normal and it seems like I depend on them. Also note that neither myself nor myself drink and that are get togethers always take place at a friends house. I'm starting to resent my wife as I feel like she wants to take my friends away from me and is a controlling spouce. I serisouly feel like I'm allowed an allotted amount of friend time every two weeks and that's it.

Is my wife being controlling or I'm I in the wrong? 

Thank you!


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## MSP

Was waiting for a thread like this to pop up. 

Whether it's a girl's night out or a guy's night out, the answer is the same. If the environment or the company are a bad influence on married life, it's bad. 

A bunch of guys (or girls) sitting around playing games or watching movies sounds fine. It's healthy to spend time with same sex friends every once in a while. Gotta get out of the house for more than just married dates and work.


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## ScarletBegonias

So you changed the rules on her post-marriage.Prior to marriage you were cool with once every 2 weeks and now suddenly it's once a week?

Why up the amount that you were previously ok with when you guys weren't married?


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## LoriC

Sorry to say this but you need to grow up. No you should not be spending that much time with your buddies. You are no longer a single man, it is inappropriate. 

I am not saying you should never go out with your friends but every week is a bit much. I dont blame your wife, this would piss me off also.


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## Mavash.

I am my husbands best friend.

He'd rather be with me than his friends.

I too am wondering why this went from every 2 weeks to every week.


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## that_girl

You're a married man now. Weekly guys night out isn't normal.

Once a month? Ok. Twice? Maybe. Every week? No.

Does she get her weekly night out? 

Dang. Playing video games...grown men...smh. I'd be irritated too as a wife.


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## ScarletBegonias

Another option,which is what SO and I do since we are best friends who truly enjoy chillin as often as possible together...why can't your friends have their get together at your place?

It works awesome at my house,can't see how it wouldn't work for someone else. The guys drink,I puff down,we play video games,if it's nice out we play midnight football or soccer. It's great!


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## Hope1964

Just hanging with the guys? Nope, sorry, once a week is too often. Especially if you upped it from once every 2 weeks. And especially if it's on the weekends. Weekends should be for you and your wife, period.


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## ClimbingTheWalls

I would be somewhat concerned if she was pleased about being rid of you for one evening a week!

I agree with those who say it is unreasonable to ramp it up to once a week when you were happy with once every two weeks whilst dating.


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## thatbpguy

steely said:


> Is my wife being controlling or I'm I in the wrong?
> 
> Thank you!


You are in the wrong.

Once per month is reasonable. Once per week is absolutely unreasonable.

To me it tells your new wife how little you think of her and how little she means to you.

Change your priorities in life away from your buddies to to your wife.


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## WellyVamp

Would you be ok with her spending every Saturday night with her friends?


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## Entropy3000

steely said:


> Hello everyone.
> 
> Well, my wife and I have been married for less then a year and already are having issues. For the past 10 years my friends and I have had a weekly get together where all we do is watch a movie or play video games. When my wife and I started dating I was going to my friends weekly get together once every two weeks. Now that my wife and I are married I want to see my buddies once a week but she cannot stand it.
> 
> My wife says that my behavior is not normal and that any wife would not want her husband gone once a week. Please keep in my mind that unlike myself my wife doesnt have friends close by to spend time with. Each time I see my friends she gives me a guilt trip about the weekend being for couple time and how she will just stay at home alone... I do spend time with my wife during the week and on Saturday and Sunday but I want the option to have most Fridays (could be Sat) to spend a few hours with my friends. My wife even went as far to tell me that my close friendship with my buddies is not normal and it seems like I depend on them. Also note that neither myself nor myself drink and that are get togethers always take place at a friends house. I'm starting to resent my wife as I feel like she wants to take my friends away from me and is a controlling spouce. I serisouly feel like I'm allowed an allotted amount of friend time every two weeks and that's it.
> 
> Is my wife being controlling or I'm I in the wrong?
> 
> Thank you!


Well this is not clubbing.

Less than a year.

Make this once a month at most IMO. Enjoy this first year and date and have a lot of sex with your wife. I love video games but I avoid doing anything regular because it is an intimacy killer at least for me.

Go diddle your wife instead of the game controller.

Then over time work out with her the boundaries of your marriage. There is a transistion from being single and being married. I have seen too many marriages hurt by what you are doing even though it is not pursuing other women.

Do His Needs her Needs together. 

Do you really need to spend a Friday or Saturday night with your buds? Me, I would rather be spending it with my wife and having copious relentless sex ... oh and in general being with her.

But the Darwinain thing here is that eventually if you keep doing this she will stop asking. She may even start going out on her own. Marriage friendly GNOs .. great. But basically you should head this off. You are not married to your buddies.


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## Hicks

Social time spent together is crucial for a successful marriage.

Leaving your wife home alone while youa are socializing is going to lead to an unhappy wife. Unhappy wives hate sex and cheat.


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## mule kick

Do not understand why your wife can't be involved. Are your friends in junior high school? Grow up and include the person you have committed to share your life with.

There's a saying: if your g/b friend has friends you don't know, you are not their g/b friend. I do not get why especially at this stage of your marriage you wouldn't be proud and even insist that your wife is included in your activities.


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## Emerald

I think it's fine as long as she can do the same.

But I am not your wife. See if she's cool with every other week.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

This is what you need to work out with her. Make a compromise. I do think spending hours with the guys once a week is excessive playing video games.

I would be upset as well. I don't ever tell my husband what he can or can not do and he does the same for me. Whenever there is an issue like this, we work it out as quickly as possible usually with a compromise we both agree on. We have the same values, so agreeing on things are not difficult.

My husband thinks I'm much more important to him them going out with his friends on a weekly basis. 

We just started playing video games, but we play them together. We use to play cards and board games before we got our game counsels. Our kids don't play them that often, so we do to make it worth our money we spent. We have a blast playing together too. One player games, we take turns. Why not play games with your wife instead of your friends? Or find something you both like to do together.

Also when my husband is home we both put aside the computer or hand held devices and spend the time together and with the kids.


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## in my tree

Hicks said:


> Social time spent together is crucial for a successful marriage.


Why don't you guys make the new night co-ed? Invite the ladies one week and then have your boys night the next week? Then she might make new friends as well.


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## norajane

Are these guy friends married or in serious relationships? How do their wives feel about a weekly night playing video games?


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## Entropy3000

Happy Wife ... Happy Life.


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## steely

Mavash. said:


> I am my husbands best friend.
> 
> He'd rather be with me than his friends.
> 
> I too am wondering why this went from every 2 weeks to every week.


I appreciate the responses. This is great feedback.

I think I want to see my friends more after being married as my wife gives me a guilt trip about seeing friends once every two weeks. I've been unhappy in the marriage and resort to seeing friends who have always been there for me. She claims she has nothing to do and will be lonely. Some of you may think this is wrong but I mentioned to her that she needs some hobbies and that its not healthy to be so dependent on me. If my wife went out once a week with friends I wouldn't care as I have a number of hobbies I could do. My wife wants me home more yet doesn't suggest things ever that we can do with that extra time. It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm on a leash both at and away from home. There's been days where I don't text her first and she asks me why...She will claim I only spent an hour with her after work yet played a video game for an hour. She will say I need to come to bed more often when she does even though I may want to stay up every so often as I worked a 10 hour day. Then the ultimate kicker is when we get in an argument she resorts to name calling such as calling me a selfish bastard when I mentioned spending more time with my friends even though we spend 13/14 days every two weeks together.


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## ScarletBegonias

Does she have abandonment issues?


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## mablenc

Sorry but this is my opinion:

you need to focus on your family, plus playing video games. don't take this the wrong way but, if I were her I would think you are immature to be sticking to your guns on this weekly outing. 

Can I assume most of these guys are singe?


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## ScarletBegonias

steely said:


> I appreciate the responses. This is great feedback.
> 
> I think I want to see my friends more after being married as my wife gives me a guilt trip about seeing friends once every two weeks. I've been unhappy in the marriage and resort to seeing friends who have always been there for me. She claims she has nothing to do and will be lonely. Some of you may think this is wrong but I mentioned to her that she needs some hobbies and that its not healthy to be so dependent on me. If my wife went out once a week with friends I wouldn't care as I have a number of hobbies I could do. My wife wants me home more yet doesn't suggest things ever that we can do with that extra time. It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm on a leash both at and away from home. There's been days where I don't text her first and she asks me why...She will claim I only spent an hour with her after work yet played a video game for an hour. She will say I need to come to bed more often when she does even though I may want to stay up every so often as I worked a 10 hour day. Then the ultimate kicker is when we get in an argument she resorts to name calling such as calling me a selfish bastard when I mentioned spending more time with my friends even though we spend 13/14 days every two weeks together.


well,how did you handle these issues prior to marriage? Wasn't she always this way or did she change?


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## Hicks

Steely, when you go to work, do you just show up? Meaning, a long time ago your company hired you and you now work there.... Do you have to do anything else?

Being a husband is not something that you are simply becuase a year ago you got married. A husband has to try to do things to make his wife's life fulfilling. If she were responsible for this on her own, why would she need you or to be married to you?

She is reaching/crying out for you to be the husband that a wife expects and deserves. The one who tries on purpose to make his wife's life better becuase he is in it.

Now, it's a two way street and ultimately for you to be happy she has to do the same.... However currently your marrige seems like it's in grid lock and if one of you does not step up and make the effort, then it will probably fail... You can wait for her to start, or you yourself can choose to start. I can assure you that once you start giving to the best of your abilities, you will start receiving...


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## steely

ScarletBegonias said:


> well,how did you handle these issues prior to marriage? Wasn't she always this way or did she change?


Well, when dating we spent 3-4 days together a week. Each time we met during our dating days was bliss and quality time. The other 3-4 days a week we were separate and could do our own thing. My wife wants our married life to be like our dating days every day. I want to spend more time with her as that's one reason I married her. However, I feel like we both deserve our own time apart. I'm not out drinking, I'm not at a bar, I'm not at a party but rather with a couple friends who just enjoy playing some games, watching a movie and talking about whatever for a few hours. 

A couple months ago I went on a 4 day trip with my friends. She blew a fit but I went anyway as marriage isn't supposes to feel like a prison. Please keep in mind that my wife went on a one week trip with girlfriends during our dating days yet she says that doesn't apply now as we are now married. Funny thing is each time we were away that long our relationship was better when the other returned.


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## anotherguy

Hicks said:


> Being a husband is not something that you are simply becuase a year ago you got married. A husband has to try to do things to make his wife's life fulfilling. If she were responsible for this on her own, why would she need you or to be married to you?..


I agree.

Thing is, once a week is not a problem....buuuuut... sounds like it has become one. Your relationship is suffering - not because of a weekly night out - but it is suffering probably for multiple reasons and this is NOT helping. Its clear you are running away to have a good time - you pretty much say as much.. and she knows it. 

You cant think of it as 13 of 14 days together. This isnt about allocating time based on 'fairness' - it has NOTHING to do with that. (Pause. Re-read that last sentence.) It is about your leaving to have a good time in the middle of a difficult time in your relationship. You have a relationship problem. Fix it. Show her that you believe that the relationship, that the 2 of you IS your priority. Once she believes it, once you 2 start having a better relationship - then suddenly a weekly outing is less of a deal.

Right now however - sounds like a recipe for disaster. You are digging your heels in because you enjoy you gaming time so much with the buds. If you are not careful - you will have more time to go off with your gaming buds than you ever expected. You should put a some damage control time in.

Hicks is right here.


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## ScarletBegonias

steely said:


> Well, when dating we spent 3-4 days together a week. Each time we met during our dating days was bliss and quality time. The other 3-4 days a week we were separate and could do our own thing. My wife wants our married life to be like our dating days every day. I want to spend more time with her as that's one reason I married her. However, I feel like we both deserve our own time apart. I'm not out drinking, I'm not at a bar, I'm not at a party but rather with a couple friends who just enjoy playing some games, watching a movie and talking about whatever for a few hours.
> 
> A couple months ago I went on a 4 day trip with my friends. She blew a fit but I went anyway as marriage isn't supposes to feel like a prison. Please keep in mind that my wife went on a one week trip with girlfriends during our dating days yet she says that doesn't apply now as we are now married. Funny thing is each time we were away that long our relationship was better when the other returned.


I'm having a hard time understanding why these things weren't ironed out prior to the I DO's.

Your wife sounds like she has major issues with dependency and needs to learn to have things for herself that she enjoys.Conversely,I think you need to either integrate your boy's nights,make them happen at your place,or cut back to once a month.
There has to be a compromise here.It can't be all her way or all your way.Right now it sounds like neither person wants to compromise.


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## ScarletBegonias

Also,it sounds like the time you guys do spend together kinda sucks for both people.If you're just sitting around bored I guess it isn't very fulfilling for either person.
Quality is important! 13-14 days of crap is nothing compared to 7 days of real connection and intimacy.


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## anotherguy

steely said:


> A couple months ago I went on a 4 day trip with my friends. She blew a fit but I went anyway as marriage isn't supposes to feel like a prison..


bad. Very bad. Its hard to get worse than this, frankly.


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## ScarletBegonias

It's obvious she doesn't feel emotionally safe in the marriage.And having you walking around pouting like a child saying Marriage isn't supposed to be a prison isn't helping matters.

It seems you both have a lot of maturing to do.


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## anotherguy

mablenc said:


> ..Can I assume most of these guys are singe?


a good question.


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## norajane

steely said:


> *Well, when dating we spent 3-4 days together a week. Each time we met during our dating days was bliss and quality time.* The other 3-4 days a week we were separate and could do our own thing. *My wife wants our married life to be like our dating days every day.* I want to spend more time with her as that's one reason I married her. However, I feel like we both deserve our own time apart. I'm not out drinking, I'm not at a bar, I'm not at a party but rather with a couple friends who just enjoy playing some games, watching a movie and talking about whatever for a few hours.


So how is the time that you do spend together? Do you make the effort to make it "bliss and quality time"? 

Every day isn't going to be bliss. But you can make an effort to spend quality time together every day so that the two of you maintain a connection, an emotional connection, to each other. If she feels that is lacking, then she will resent your nights out.

If she feels connected to you the rest of the time, she'll feel less like you are running away from her to go have fun. She wants you to run TO her to have fun.

You said she doesn't make suggestions on what you two can do together. Have you made suggestions? Do you suggest going for a walk, or a bike ride, or a dinner out, or a hobby that you share? What kinds of things did you do together when dating when it was "bliss and quality time"?


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## mule kick

You aren't ready to be married if spending a whole week with your wife feels like a prison. I'm dating a woman that in the last month her work schedule changed and now we only get to spend about 2 nights a week together. It's not so bad, its not a deal breaker because its not the amount of time you spend apart but the amount of time you want to spend together that really matters.

Your wife shouldn't be a duty but your best friend. Not your only friend! But you shouldn't feel such a deep need to get away from her already. You work 40 hours a week, sleep around 60 hours a week and the remaining 68 hours are too much time to spend with someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with? Not sure why you got married.


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## mablenc

" Please keep in mind that my wife went on a one week trip with girlfriends during our dating days yet she says that doesn't apply now as we are now married."

She's right you are now married, I think you are struggling with the concept of being married. Are you open to MC?


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## Starstarfish

Why does your wife have no friends? Did she relocate to your area?

That can be extremely difficult to deal with. Are indeed these friends in relationships? Could the plan be for the wives/girlfriends to have their girls activity while the boys have theirs?

What effort has there been to involve her in the social circle?


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## Plan 9 from OS

How did the 2 of you meet - at college? After you got married, did you move her to your hometown? You said she has no friends close by, so I assume she had to move for your sake. If that's the case, then I think the onus is on you to help her out with becoming more familiar with your childhood stomping grounds and help her to get connected to the community. 

Once a week on a weekend is too much IMHO. Why don't you go on a double or triple date every Friday with your friends and their GFs? Then you can ditch the weekly video game playing, with IMHO is not exactly very masculine TBH.


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## anotherguy

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's obvious she doesn't feel emotionally safe in the marriage.


^ This.


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## IsGirl3

when my H and I were younger - mid 20's - he got together with his friends maybe once every 2 weeks. Now they are lucky, between wives, kids, work, and commitments, if hey get together once every 2 months. I never minded the get togethers, however, it NEVER happened on the weekends (fri, sat, sun). Those are special days that should be spent with the spouse. those are the days you look forward to most in the week - the time you can relax. It's not fair to leave a wife at home while you're out enjoying on those days. And even if she did have friends in the area, I bet they are with their husbands/boyfriends on those days.


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## steely

anotherguy said:


> bad. Very bad. Its hard to get worse than this, frankly.


There was a time when my wife went away with girlfriends for a week. When I left the trip was already discussed together months prior but as it got closer she continued giving me a guilt trip. When she went away, and if she wants to in the future, I encourage her to as its important to maintain friendships. My wife's only hobby is reading and me...in my opinion that's not enough and is unhealthy. I've tried getting her into other hobbies but nothing has stuck so far.


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## Entropy3000

steely said:


> I appreciate the responses. This is great feedback.
> 
> I think I want to see my friends more after being married as my wife gives me a guilt trip about seeing friends once every two weeks. I've been unhappy in the marriage and resort to seeing friends who have always been there for me. She claims she has nothing to do and will be lonely. Some of you may think this is wrong but I mentioned to her that she needs some hobbies and that its not healthy to be so dependent on me. If my wife went out once a week with friends I wouldn't care as I have a number of hobbies I could do. My wife wants me home more yet doesn't suggest things ever that we can do with that extra time. It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm on a leash both at and away from home. There's been days where I don't text her first and she asks me why...She will claim I only spent an hour with her after work yet played a video game for an hour. She will say I need to come to bed more often when she does even though I may want to stay up every so often as I worked a 10 hour day. Then the ultimate kicker is when we get in an argument she resorts to name calling such as calling me a selfish bastard when I mentioned spending more time with my friends even though we spend 13/14 days every two weeks together.


I am not down with name calling but she was not good with every two weeks so you made it every week. This is NOT what a guys does who wants to stay married. 

I hear you, and this may feel like bashing but how old are you and are you really ready to be married?

You should never stop dating your wife. This the first year of the marriage. This is the honeymoon period.


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## Entropy3000

steely said:


> Well, when dating we spent 3-4 days together a week. Each time we met during our dating days was bliss and quality time. The other 3-4 days a week we were separate and could do our own thing. My wife wants our married life to be like our dating days every day. I want to spend more time with her as that's one reason I married her. However, I feel like we both deserve our own time apart. I'm not out drinking, I'm not at a bar, I'm not at a party but rather with a couple friends who just enjoy playing some games, watching a movie and talking about whatever for a few hours.
> 
> *A couple months ago I went on a 4 day trip with my friends. *She blew a fit but I went anyway as marriage isn't supposes to feel like a prison. Please keep in mind that my wife went on a one week trip with girlfriends during our dating days yet she says that doesn't apply now as we are now married. Funny thing is each time we were away that long our relationship was better when the other returned.


OMG. You left your newly wed wife for four days to go on a guy trip.

Look, perhaps later on you can go on guy trips. I think she is in love with you.

See I married may wife so that we could be in a life long lover affair together. It sound like your wife was expecting that from you.

Again, not so sure you were ready to get married yet. Indeed life changes after marriage.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Entropy3000 said:


> OMG. *You left you newly wed wife for four days to go on a guy trip.*
> 
> Look, perhaps later on you can go on guy trips. I think she is in love with you.
> 
> See I married may wife so that we could be in a life long lover affair together. It sound like your wife was expecting that from you.
> 
> Again, not so sure you were ready to get married yet. Indeed life changes after marriage.


Just calling it like I see it, but the OP is doing all the wrong things to make his marriage susceptible to an affair, or maybe an early divorce. Let's see what I consider unattractive behavior:


Playing video games every week with friends.
Leaving a newly married wife to go on a 4 day trip with his friends. Any video games involved there?
Answering a concern brought up to him by his wife by AMPLIFYING the behavior that has caused his wife's issue in the first place.
I'll say it again - just playing video games period.

Sorry to those who are into video games. I think they are a HUGE, HUGE turnoff to women in general. If women don't like video games, then I don't either. I'd rather be pushing my wife's sexual buttons than pushing the buttons on a plastic controller. If you want more guy time, at least have better activities like playing bball, flag football, golf, biking, something more masculine. Anything but video games.


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## steely

Entropy3000 said:


> OMG. You left you newly wed wife for four days to go on a guy trip.
> 
> Look, perhaps later on you can go on guy trips. I think she is in love with you.
> 
> See I married may wife so that we could be in a life long lover affair together. It sound like your wife was expecting that from you.
> 
> Again, not so sure you were ready to get married yet. Indeed life changes after marriage.


My wife was fine with the trip months before but only gave me the guilt trip when it came time for me to go. Yes marriage is a life long love affair and I want that. Still, whats the big deal being gone for just 4 days? The last time I took a trip like that with friends was 2 years ago. My wife wants to go to a girlfriends bachelorette party out of state for 2 days. I encouraged her to go. Why should I stop her? Why should she not enjoy time like that with friends?


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## Catherine602

You are starting bigger problems than you can ever imagine. 

It seems strange to be that you would want less time with a woman you appearently married out of love. Instead you give more time to your friends. 

You feel closer to them than your wife it appears. They meet more of your needs than she does? Have you considered that your wife is right about your relationship with them. 

Knowing that she has no friends or family in the vicinity, you respond by withdrawing even more. Thats unkind and cruel dont you think? Why did you get married if you don't feel compassion for her? 

Eventually, you will be free to spend all of your time with your suppotive friends. Either your wife or you will walk away from what will become a miserable situation. 

Expressing resentment by not doing what someone wants is passive -aggressive behavior. Meeting a partners needs is not being controlled by them. 

It's called a relationship and mutual meeting of needs. You have to negotiiate a comfortable solution. Your wife has to be reasonable in her request and so do you. 

You may realize that when you wife stops meeting your needs because she feels she is controlled. Please don't have kids until and if you get this resolved. 

You both need to hone better communication skills.


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## steely

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Just calling it like I see it, but the OP is doing all the wrong things to make his marriage susceptible to an affair, or maybe an early divorce. Let's see what I consider unattractive behavior:
> 
> 
> Playing video games every week with friends.
> Leaving a newly married wife to go on a 4 day trip with his friends. Any video games involved there?
> Answering a concern brought up to him by his wife by AMPLIFYING the behavior that has caused his wife's issue in the first place.
> I'll say it again - just playing video games period.
> 
> Sorry to those who are into video games. I think they are a HUGE, HUGE turnoff to women in general. If women don't like video games, then I don't either. I'd rather be pushing my wife's sexual buttons than pushing the buttons on a plastic controller. If you want more guy time, at least have better activities like playing bball, flag football, golf, biking, something more masculine. Anything but video games.


The average age for a person that plays video game is in there mid 30's. More masculine? Hmm how about getting hammered at deer camp or getting drunk on a bowling league. That must be being a man!


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## Entropy3000

steely said:


> My wife was fine with the trip months before but only gave me the guilt trip when it came time for me to go. Yes marriage is a life long love affair and I want that. Still, whats the big deal being gone for just 4 days? The last time I took a trip like that with friends was 2 years ago. My wife wants to go to a girlfriends bachelorette party out of state for 2 days. I encouraged her to go. Why should I stop her? Why should she not enjoy time like that with friends?


I think you are f'ing up. This is NOT about being right.

This is not about your wife going any where right now. It is that you want to hang out and play video games with your boys.

I missed it. How old are you and are these guys single?


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## Hicks

the bottom line is your wife needs to feel she's #1 in your life.

Currently she does not feel that.

You can argue all you want, but if your wife does not feel that she will either divorce you or cheat on you.


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## Plan 9 from OS

steely said:


> The average age for a person that plays video game is in there mid 30's. More masculine? Hmm how about getting hammered at deer camp or getting drunk on a bowling league. That must be being a man!


I already gave suggestions earlier. Sorry you decided to get your panties in a knot because I think playing video games with your guy friends is unappealing to most women. It is btw...sorry.


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## tacoma

Kick back to your pre-marriage schedule and avoid a stupid problem.

Pick your battles.


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## COguy

I'm going to skip 2 pages of responses.

I agree with the other posters that once a week may be a bit much, depending on how much other time you are spending with her and the quality of that time.

Once every 2-4 weeks would seem normal.

I would throttle it back a little and see what her continued response is. If you dial it back to once a month and she's still complaining, I'd see some major red flags here.

My biased opinion based on my own negative personal experience is that this kind of talk, "No one would feel ok with this, I'm all alone, me me me" is that it is a set up for controlling, manipulative behavior. Isolation is the main goal of any person with a personality disorder. Why? Because if your new wife is a psycho b*tch your friends are going to call her out on it. Does she do the same thing when visiting with your family? Has your friends or family made any comment about her? Any other red flags about her behavior that would show lack of empathy or instability?

It's one thing to say, "I would like some more time with you, this once a week feels like too much." It's another thing to start invalidating your feelings and playing the victim card, that's not respectful of YOUR feelings, even if you are being a douche (which I don't think you are necessarily).

So, as I said, I would dial it back and see how she responds. If she's grateful, you just need some fine tuning. If she's still pissed off about it, and appears to never want you to hang out with your friends (even though she may say she does with her words), then I'd start reading up on personality disorders fast.


----------



## Entropy3000

steely said:


> The average age for a person that plays video game is in there mid 30's. More masculine? Hmm how about getting hammered at deer camp or getting drunk on a bowling league. That must be being a man!


Focus


----------



## Mavash.

When my kids get clingy I spend MORE time with them. I'm practically glued to them.

In no time they are ready for some space.

I'm telling you this because the more you push your wife away the more she clings. Try doing the opposite and see what happens. Be her shadow and love on her until she feels emotionally secure. Might not work but its worth a try.


----------



## norajane

norajane said:


> So how is the time that you do spend together? Do you make the effort to make it "bliss and quality time"?
> 
> Every day isn't going to be bliss. But you can make an effort to spend quality time together every day so that the two of you maintain a connection, an emotional connection, to each other. If she feels that is lacking, then she will resent your nights out.
> 
> If she feels connected to you the rest of the time, she'll feel less like you are running away from her to go have fun. She wants you to run TO her to have fun.
> 
> You said she doesn't make suggestions on what you two can do together. Have you made suggestions? Do you suggest going for a walk, or a bike ride, or a dinner out, or a hobby that you share? What kinds of things did you do together when dating when it was "bliss and quality time"?


I didn't see an answer to my post. What has changed from when you used to have "bliss and quality time"? Do you still make some kind of effort to create that, or have you stopped doing anything together?


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## mule kick

Still haven't heard why your wife can't spend time with your friends? Do they have wives/girlfriends? Do those wives/ girlfriends spend time together while you and your friends are together? Something just seems really off about this. 

Why do you spend so much time and effort finding ways to exclude your wife from your activities rather than include her?


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## justonelife

Do you guys do anything socially together? It seems odd that guys in their 30s are spending hours playing video games. Most of my h's friends are all married with children so he rarely sees them on his own. Usually we all hang out as couples/families. If he occasionally wants to go have a beer with a guy after work, I have no problem with it but I would if it was every week for several hours. Generally, he prefers to include me. Sometimes I have to ask if I can stay home! Lol

You have a choice to make:

1. Be "right" and divorced
2. Compromise and stay married

It's up to you. Why did you get married anyway? 

And I have to agree that playing video games is VERY unattractive to women. Again, you can be "right" or you can be sexually attractive to your wife. You can choose.


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## anotherguy

I think the concensus is fairly obvious here - its not a bash-fest.. though it can seem that way when all we have is written text.

Question is - Steely - what do you think? You dont need to defend yourself here - we dont even have the entire story.

I will tell you though - there are a few people in this thread with solid working marriage experience - so you should consider it.

Can I ask you on more thing? Do you know any long term married couples? Anyone you can look to that you respect and admire and think about how they might handle it? Parents or something? Some people dont have any good married role models, and that happens too.

Dont get too caught up in the right or wrong of you or her. Relationships are different beasts for evey couple and its not always easy to figure it out on your own - especially that new thing called 'relationship maintenance'. I think its great you came here looking for feedback - to me it shows you care and want to make the right choices, yes? You may find that small compromises here will pay off tenfold in the end.


----------



## Sennik

Entropy3000 said:


> Well this is not clubbing.
> 
> Less than a year.
> 
> Make this once a month at most IMO. Enjoy this first year and date and have a lot of sex with your wife. I love video games but I avoid doing anything regular because it is an intimacy killer at least for me.
> 
> Go diddle your wife instead of the game controller.
> 
> Then over time work out with her the boundaries of your marriage. There is a transistion from being single and being married. I have seen too many marriages hurt by what you are doing even though it is not pursuing other women.
> 
> Do His Needs her Needs together.
> 
> Do you really need to spend a Friday or Saturday night with your buds? Me, I would rather be spending it with my wife and having copious relentless sex ... oh and in general being with her.
> 
> But the Darwinain thing here is that eventually if you keep doing this she will stop asking. She may even start going out on her own. Marriage friendly GNOs .. great. But basically you should head this off. You are not married to your buddies.


:iagree::iagree:

Steely,
You, sir have a golden opportunity here. I damn near blew mine in a situation like yours many years ago. Don't blow yours.

Take a step back from your buddies for a while to focus on building your marriage. 

Do 'His Needs Her Needs' together like Entropy suggests. If her needs come out not at all what you expected don't be surprised. I see far too many couples having marriage issues due to the simple fact that they 'thought' they were meeting their spouse's needs when in fact they were very far off target. Like Stormtrooper aim off target. Don't minimize or dismiss her needs. Own them and do your best to meet them. 

The reverse of course is true.

I'm also not going to sit here and tell you to knock off the games as I have been playing PC and console games as long as they have existed. They can co-exist just fine in a marriage right alongside other more traditionally male oriented hobbies if used in moderation. I do however recommend not to get in the trap of playing games that require coordinated scheduled times where you get guilt-tripped if you don't attend.

You'll want to be able to turn the PC/console off at the drop of a hat (or more accurately the drop of a nightie) without a second thought


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I think COguy had a very wise idea. Scale it back to 2x/month, then if she still complains, scale it back to 1x/month. Within 6 months, you'll have your answer!

If she is STILL complaining about it at the 1x/month point, then you KNOW you have a problem: she wants you to be HER WORLD. And you are right, THAT would be unhealthy.

If she quits complaining at the 2x/month or 1x/month mark, then you have reached your compromise point. You will have to tell your buds that most of your Fri/Sat nights are going to be devoted to your wife.

As for the name-calling, tell her you will NOT listen to verbal abuse; you're sorry she's upset, but you can discuss it LATER when she has calmed down and can be respectful.


----------



## COguy

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I think COguy had a very wise idea. Scale it back to 2x/month, then if she still complains, scale it back to 1x/month. Within 6 months, you'll have your answer!
> 
> If she is STILL complaining about it at the 1x/month point, then you KNOW you have a problem: she wants you to be HER WORLD. And you are right, THAT would be unhealthy.
> 
> If she quits complaining at the 2x/month or 1x/month mark, then you have reached your compromise point. You will have to tell your buds that most of your Fri/Sat nights are going to be devoted to your wife.
> 
> As for the name-calling, tell her you will NOT listen to verbal abuse; you're sorry she's upset, but you can discuss it LATER when she has calmed down and can be respectful.


I agree 100%.

Based on the small amount of info I've seen on her reaction, I'd expect that she's still upset at once a month and that this relationship will ultimately end with her cheating because "he always picked his friends and video games over me."

Curious, how long have you been together? I'm going to go on a limb and say you had a relatively short courtship/engagement? Like less than a year from relationship to marriage? Things moved pretty quick? Everything seemed magical?

If I'm wrong let me know and I'll start eating my hat.


----------



## Convection

COGuy and Scarlet Begonias gave good advice. You need to focus less on being right and more on seeking a compromise with her. She ought to be the first person on your priority list for whom you sacrifice your interests. Hopefully, she will see it the same way and agree that she needs to let you spend some time with your friends, even though it isn't what she wants for herself.

She does need to have interests outside her interaction with you and it is unreasonable to spend every waking non-working moment together. It is unhealthy to make you the focus of everything she does. On the other hand, if you feel obligated to get away once a week, every week, why did you marry her?

Strike a balance.

Good luck!


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## COguy

steely said:


> Well, when dating we spent 3-4 days together a week. Each time we met during our dating days was bliss and quality time. The other 3-4 days a week we were separate and could do our own thing. My wife wants our married life to be like our dating days every day. I want to spend more time with her as that's one reason I married her. However, I feel like we both deserve our own time apart. I'm not out drinking, I'm not at a bar, I'm not at a party but rather with a couple friends who just enjoy playing some games, watching a movie and talking about whatever for a few hours.
> 
> A couple months ago I went on a 4 day trip with my friends. She blew a fit but I went anyway as marriage isn't supposes to feel like a prison. Please keep in mind that my wife went on a one week trip with girlfriends during our dating days yet she says that doesn't apply now as we are now married. Funny thing is each time we were away that long our relationship was better when the other returned.


Just read this. Your wife definitely has issues.

Scarlet's response is telling, as she used to be "the enemy" in a former life.

The MO is isolate then manipulate.

Start reading some stuff on PD's. "Stop walking on eggshells", or "Emotional Vampires" might be a good read to get your a-ha moment. Or you can go to bpdcentral.com and read people's stories and see if you see any resemblances in your relationships.

Essentially for someone with borderline or other Cluster B personality disorders, you're going to be the white knight, her hero in shining armor for the first part of the relationship. That lasts 6 months to a year. Then after that the "splitting" starts, which is when you start alternating between being mr. perfect and the devil himself. This all triggers abandonment issues, she will vacillate between pushing you away so she is the one rejecting, to clinging to you for dear life because she fears being alone.

As someone who was in a relationship like that, I can tell you that it sucks, and it will completely destroy your mental health. The best advice I can give is DO NOT give up social time with your friends. Cutting it back is one thing, but do not allow yourself to neglect your friends and family, as they will keep you grounded. Your one true partner in life has an unrealistic view of reality and if you don't have other people in your life to balance you out you will start accepting it as truth and stop believing what is real.

Read up on boundaries and do not be afraid to assert yourself. The fact that you got married to this woman to begin with shows that you have issues of codependency of your own (coda.org) . People with a healthy sense of worth do not get into marriages with people who need them to be around all the time. You have a desire to be needed.


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## led_zepp

Steely, I know your pain & anger. I got married to a beautiful , talented , my dream girl & angel from heaven. I have been married for 3 years. Let me explain how I started getting isolated from my friends & family:
1) In the start of my marriage she used to complain that I work out too much & not spending enough time with her. So I cut the work out to 3 days a week. After 3 years I am a guy with a big belly as I stopped working out (I used to love working out as it was my Drug, it helped me remain focused , relaxed & confident)
2) Then she complained about my family ignoring her & she felt all alone . In addition she had accused my mother of lots of things & to this day instead of forgiving she brings up the past.
3) I move to an expensive apartment in a city near my office (to cut down the commute during peak traffic hours - which is 1.5 hours to work & 1.5 hours back to home). She then started complaining that I stay in the office too late - I used to work in IT for a big multinational insurance company. Then I had told her I shifted just to spend more time with her as I don't have to face the traffic no more. This wasn't good enough.
4) As stated my job is stressful & hectic I work 10-12 hours a day & have no choice as I am a contract employee . She always suspected that I spend time outside with buddies even though before leaving office I call her from my office landline extension. She just made up delusional statements even if I call her from the landline.
5) I used to meet friends twice a month & once a month I used to attend office social gatherings. Somehow she started accusing that my friends are not nice & they wont support me incase I have issues in life. At the moment I am jobless & one of my close friend (which she said he is an idiot & has no character) is at the moment financially supporting me. The meeting with friends dropped down to once every 2-3 months. And every time I had to attend a social gathering (since I am in the regional office we get guest from other countries & we have to entertain them with drinks & dinner) she used to object & I was required to take her permission. 
6) I meet my parents once a week for 2 hours . She started complaining that why cant we just spend 1 hour with them (WTF)
7) No matter how much time I spend with her its never enough. I come back home at 8-9pm & spend all my time with her(go for a walk, watch a movie, have dinner, go out for dinner, play board games, watch youtube videos, go for a walk in the park & beach,etc) . In addition the entire weekend I spend it with her. Still she always complained I never give her enough time.
8) her whole world revolves around me & is very dependent on me. She has no friends & no hobbies.

You are in the first year of marriage so as other recommended cut down the meeting to once or twice a month & see her response. If she gets more demanding its really unhealthy & will make you feel chained & grounded. I don't want to freak you out I am just sharing my experience .

For me I had accepted all her demands in the first two years but lately I am burned out. I used to think she will eventually change & realize what I want at times. But its useless. I will be proceeding for a divorce as this wont work in a long term relationship.

Thanks to this forum & amazing people over here I was lucky to find out that she had been emotionally abusing me & was guided by some members to research borderline personality disorder(google it up) . Unfortunately my soon to be ex share majority of the borderline personality disorder traits & I cant live like that.

As COguy setup clear boundaries on what is acceptable or not. Below are some links which is an eye opener for me or shall I say watching a movie about my soon to be exWife played on a 80" HD LED TV as I have been facing emotional abuse & staying with a person with BPD for 3 years.

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist
/

The Emotionally Abusive Personality: Is She a Borderline or a Narcissist?


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## turnera

Read the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. (BetterMen Coaching: We Make Good Men Bettter | Coach Los Angeles | life coach for men). You'll understand how you can HAVE that guy time...AFTER you ensure that your spouse time is taken care of. 

Obviously, there's something lacking in the marriage that needs to be resolved. Resolve that, and she'll be happy to see you out having fun with your friends.

Of course, all this is assuming she doesn't have some sort of personality issue. If she's unwilling to make friends, that's a big red flag.


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## Starstarfish

So - if her only hobbies are reading and "you" - and your hobby of choice is video games - what interests do the two of you share together? Because if the answer is - nothing, no doubt this is the reason why it "feels like a prison" to have to be with her, and everyone is always bored. 

So - what is it you have in common?

Also - there's unwillingness to make friends, and there's difficulty making friends. If she was completely removed from her element and is in a new place, making new friends can be an issue. Think about where a lot of friendships develop at school/college, work, or church or through a partner/spouse by integrating you into their social circle. What effort have you made in helping her do any any of the above (going out with another couple from work/introducing her to your friends wives)?

Also - the women who don't find video games unmanly, are ... *drumroll* ... women who themselves enjoy video games. Personally, I find the Mr. getting a critical DPS on a group of unsuspecting noobs a turn on. But, no, not everyone does.  But - yes, female gamers are out there.


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## ScarletBegonias

COguy said:


> Just read this. Your wife definitely has issues.
> 
> Scarlet's response is telling, as she used to be "the enemy" in a former life.
> 
> The MO is isolate then manipulate.
> 
> .


? *scratching head*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy

ScarletBegonias said:


> ? *scratching head*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



we're not on the same page with this one? 

I meant no disrespect, you're a hero in my eyes.


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## ScarletBegonias

Too many things resemble bpd and other disorders to speculate at this point. He needs to put his big boy pants on and talk to his wife in a firm loving way and figure out exactly what she needs.then he needs to deside if he's capable of meeting the needs halfway at least. Then she needs to decide if she can do the same for him.

Until this happens,I'd hold off on going into it with a prejudiced mind of "she has a disorder so none of this is my fault"
Like it or not,people will shrug off their half of the responsibility the split second they have a reason to put it fully on the other partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## steely

I want to thank everyone for the advice and suggestions. There's been a lot of great tips in this thread and I'm trying my best to listen and follow some of the advice. 

I understand that I need to meet my wife's needs and I haven't been doing that if I'm ignoring that she's been bothered by me seeing friends once every two weeks and I want to see them now every week. Seeing my friends once a week right now will only lead to more problems. Now I'll have a hard time admitting this to her as I'll feel like she won, but I know I can't look at it that way.

I'm going to suggest that I see my friends once every two weeks but that I would like her to be flexible if we get busy for several weeks / a month and then I end up seeing them for two weeks in a row if there's time. I'm going to tell her that I cannot alone improve the situation if her name calling continues and that its extremely disrespectful.

Finally, I know that my wife doesn't have any friends in the area. We've tried hanging out with other couples but she says the connection is not there unlike her childhood friends that are all over the state... I'll try hanging out together with other couples again but she needs to be willing to allow a friendship to develop rather then throwing in the towel and only having me.

I also have several hobbies I'm into and I'll try seeing if we can participate in some of those together. I know that I enjoy photography a lot and I have an older digital SLR that she use. Maybe the two of use can attend some photography classes together or at least find some neat locations to shoot at.


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## Cosmos

Nothing wrong with you spending time with your friends, but not on a weekly basis. Married couples need to socialize together with other couples, not separately with their single friends. Once or twice a month wouldn't be unreasonable, but certainly not every week.


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## jaquen

I'm one of the most liberal posters when it comes to marriage here on TAM.

I have lots of friends. If I wanted to it wouldn't be hard at all too spend a couple nights a week, every week, hanging out. And we're free to do it to because we don't lock boundaries like this onto one another. I don't believe it's "abnormal" or "wrong" at all to see your friends a lot, as long as it's not interrupting your marriage. I don't believe what you do with your friend is anybody on TAM's business, so try and ignore all the personal attacks.

But once a week, every week, on a Friday night could quickly become a problem. At least on prime weekend nights when my wife and I have more time to spend together. During the week she goes to the gym after work and gets home late, so that would be plausible for weekly chill time if I'm free. But I don't do it. We all live busy lives so that's not even plausible for us.

My wife and I so, so believe in both friendship time and couple QT time. We make it work well. However your issues are FAR bigger than that. Your wife sounds like she's got a totally different view of marriage than you do. I too would feel completely stifled and locked down if my wife was like that, because my personal and social times are VERY important to me. That was made known looooong before we wed. 

You two sound totally incompatible. If two people don't have a very, very close vision of what constitutes marriage for them these kinds of issues arise.

I don't blame you for being a social creature who doesn't feel like married life needs to be in conflict with a healthy social life outside of the marriage. But I also don't blame your wife for having her vision of marriage that includes almost all of your social time being spent together because lots of people believe this. The fault is that this stuff wasn't successfully hashed out before you exchanged vows.

This kind of fundamental fissure in how you view marriage can very easily end up destroying a marriage.


----------



## JustHer

steely said:


> I appreciate the responses. This is great feedback.
> 
> I think* I want to see my friends more after being married *as my wife gives me a guilt trip about seeing friends once every two weeks. I've been unhappy in the marriage and resort to seeing friends who have always been there for me. She claims she has nothing to do and will be lonely. Some of you may think this is wrong but I mentioned to her that she needs some hobbies and that its not healthy to be so dependent on me. If my wife went out once a week with friends I wouldn't care as I have a number of hobbies I could do. *My wife wants me home more* yet doesn't suggest things ever that we can do with that extra time. It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm on a leash both at and away from home. There's been days where I don't text her first and she asks me why...*She will claim **I only spent an hour with her after work yet played a video game for an hour*. *She will say I need to come to bed more often when she does* even though I may want to stay up every so often as I worked a 10 hour day. Then the ultimate kicker is when we get in an argument she resorts to name calling such as calling me a selfish bastard when I mentioned spending more time with my friends even though we spend 13/14 days every two weeks together.


I came into this discussion late, but steely, what I see here is that your wife just wants to be with you and feel conected to you. Have you looked into what her love language may be, I think it is probably "Quality Time" and "Physical Touch". You are refusing to show her that you love her in a way she will feel it. My goodness, you won't even go to bed with her because you want to play video games.

You are young and newly married, if you don't figure out that you are being selfish in your thinking and actions, you will be headed for divorce court at some point in the future. Your whole post and the following ones are how you are irritated by her because she wants to be with you. Why did you marry her?


----------



## steely

I spoke to my wife earlier and we started arguing again. She doesn't even like the idea of me seeing friends once every two weeks as she has no one around her other then me. I told her I cannot be her only hobby and that its unhealthy if that's the case. After I told her that she yelled at me and left the house.


----------



## COguy

steely said:


> I spoke to my wife earlier and we started arguing again. She doesn't even like the idea of me seeing friends once every two weeks as she has no one around her other then me. I told her I cannot be her only hobby and that its unhealthy if that's the case. After I told her that she yelled at me and left the house.


my suggestion is to start recording your interactions like this. she is going to distort reality. by having objective evidence of what was said and how it came across, you can review the conversation later to ensure that she is overreacting. 


this is really what allowed me to turn the corner in dealing with the PD in my ex. do not walk on eggshells.


----------



## steely

COguy said:


> my suggestion is to start recording your interactions like this. she is going to distort reality. by having objective evidence of what was said and how it came across, you can review the conversation later to ensure that she is overreacting.
> 
> 
> this is really what allowed me to turn the corner in dealing with the PD in my ex. do not walk on eggshells.


She does make me start wondering "maybe I' am being unreasonable" in these types of cases. It's to the point where the times I do spend with friends isn't even fun as I feel guilty for going after the things she's said to me. I don't know what to even do. I figured the best thing to do when she left is not to run after or call / text her as that would only reinforce that her behavior is acceptable?


----------



## Theseus

thatbpguy said:


> You are in the wrong.
> 
> Once per month is reasonable. Once per week is absolutely unreasonable.
> 
> To me it tells your new wife how little you think of her and how little she means to you.
> 
> Change your priorities in life away from your buddies to to your wife.


Once a *month* is reasonable? You got to be kidding. So I can reasonably only see my best friend 12 times a year?

This has got to be the worst advice ever. And I'm not just picking on you, but to the other people here echoing you. If the priority in life must always be the spouse, then nothing else wins, ever. No pets, no children, no parents, no friends, nothing but spouse in your life. That is not healthy for any relationship. 

Once a week is fine. That is pretty darn normal actually. What is not normal is insulating yourself and your spouse from the rest of the world.


----------



## Theseus

steely said:


> I spoke to my wife earlier and we started arguing again. She doesn't even like the idea of me seeing friends once every two weeks as she has no one around her other then me. I told her I cannot be her only hobby and that its unhealthy if that's the case. After I told her that she yelled at me and left the house.


She sounds like she has massive insecurity issues. My spouse was similar, for awhile. One thing that helped was having my friends over to my house instead of me going to theirs. That way she was there too, and she wasn't alone. 

This is a textbook case of a couple needing marriage counseling. I strongly suggest it. You both need a third party to hammer out a realistic compromise for both of you.


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## steely

Theseus said:


> She sounds like she has massive insecurity issues. My spouse was similar, for awhile. One thing that helped was having my friends over to my house instead of me going to theirs. That way she was there too, and she wasn't alone.
> 
> This is a textbook case of a couple needing marriage counseling. I strongly suggest it. You both need a third party to hammer out a realistic compromise for both of you.


Thank you for the advice, it means a lot. Counseling is definitely needed at this point and I'll be looking up places. My wife finally came home and just went in our room, closed the door (never happens) and went to bed...so I'm sleeping downstairs on our couch...It's too the point where I just want a mental break.


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## led_zepp

steely said:


> I spoke to my wife earlier and we started arguing again. She doesn't even like the idea of me seeing friends once every two weeks as she has no one around her other then me. I told her I cannot be her only hobby and that its unhealthy if that's the case. After I told her that she yelled at me and left the house.


Oh boy, now she is opposing to once every two weeks. Then it will be once every month. Then once in 6 weeks . Then once in 2 months. I know you will try to bargain with compromises but over time you will get burned out & frustrated to compromise. You would try your level best to make it work but if your partner doesn't value your views its useless. Unless you don't invite your friends at your place or your partner makes a friend the cycle will go on. I strong believe a social life is MUST it will help to unwind your brains & have a good time (as long as its within limits) .

*As Theseus suggested seek marriage counseling my friend . Please don't ignore & give in like I did.*

BTW does your wife work? My soon to be ex used to work but always quit after 3-4 months , stayed at home for a while & then worked , then again quit after 3-4 months....Point is that if she is at home her world revolves around YOU.


----------



## led_zepp

steely said:


> Thank you for the advice, it means a lot. Counseling is definitely needed at this point and I'll be looking up places. My wife finally came home and just went in our room, closed the door (never happens) and went to bed...so I'm sleeping downstairs on our couch...It's too the point where I just want a mental break.


Ouch, I know who it feels.....Please read the links I posted earlier.


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## steely

led_zepp said:


> Oh boy, now she is opposing to once every two weeks. Then it will be once every month. Then once in 6 weeks . Then once in 2 months. I know you will try to bargain with compromises but over time you will get burned out & frustrated to compromise. You would try your level best to make it work but if your partner doesn't value your views its useless. Unless you don't invite your friends at your place or your partner makes a friend the cycle will go on. I strong believe a social life is MUST it will help to unwind your brains & have a good time (as long as its within limits) .
> 
> *As Theseus suggested seek marriage counseling my friend . Please don't ignore & give in like I did.*
> 
> BTW does your wife work? My soon to be ex used to work but always quit after 3-4 months , stayed at home for a while & then worked , then again quit after 3-4 months....Point is that if she is at home her world revolves around YOU.


She's not working at the moment but continues to apply for jobs. I work 50 hours a week and while I love the time my wife and I have I just need a break away from the house for a few hours each week. She seems so clingy and yet frustrated at the same time with me. My wife flat out makes me feel like a bad husband for seeing my friends as in her eyes I'm ignoring her and leaving her alone. She even made the comment "I'll just go meet some people at a bar"...another attempt to hurt me. Instead of crawling to her I just said "good idea, have fun" which just made her even more angry.


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## BrockLanders

Being a rebel is appropriate for a teenager, not a maried man. If you have grievances address them with her, don't act like an entitled adolescent who is angry his mom made him put down the controller to eat dinner. Your wants are ludicrous. Furthermore your wife should be making her own friends and have a support network of her own. She's stranded while you do whatever you'd like. If your wife can't make friends and she resents yours, that's another matter entirely.


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## led_zepp

steely said:


> She's not working at the moment but continues to apply for jobs. I work 50 hours a week and while I love the time my wife and I have I just need a break away from the house for a few hours each week. She seems so clingy and yet frustrated at the same time with me. My wife flat out makes me feel like a bad husband for seeing my friends as in her eyes I'm ignoring her and leaving her alone. She even made the comment "I'll just go meet some people at a bar"...another attempt to hurt me. Instead of crawling to her I just said "good idea, have fun" which just made her even more angry.


Oh boy, Clingy , Angry , wants more time, make unreasonable statements to mentally hurt you, will try their best to isolate you , name calling.

-Was she working earlier?
-Did she have a stable job?
-Does her world just revolve around you?
-Is she possessive , jealous & requires you to take permission to meet friends or go for an unexpected business meeting?
-Does she try to manipulate you or bring up past issues & play around your head?
-Are you feeling rage and anger?
-Does she give you the cold treatment incase you express your true feelings or emotions?

As you only know her you can answer the above question.


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## steely

led_zepp said:


> Oh boy, Clingy , Angry , wants more time, make unreasonable statements to mentally hurt you, will try their best to isolate you , name calling.
> 
> -Was she working earlier?
> -Did she have a stable job?
> -Does her world just revolve around you?
> -Is she possessive , jealous & requires you to take permission to meet friends or go for an unexpected business meeting?
> -Does she try to manipulate you or bring up past issues & play around your head?
> -Are you feeling rage and anger?
> -Does she give you the cold treatment incase you express your true feelings or emotions?
> 
> As you only know her you can answer the above question.


I'll try as best I can

-Was she working earlier?: *yes*
-Did she have a stable job?: *not yet but wants to*
-Does her world just revolve around you? *That and family*
-Is she possessive , jealous & requires you to take permission to meet friends or go for an unexpected business meeting?: *Yes! If there's a TV show on with an attractive girl on she get's jealous and accuses me of lusting after the girl... At times she's playing around but others's she actually upset. Anytime I meet friends I'm required to let her know which I understand. *
-Does she try to manipulate you or bring up past issues & play around your head? *Yes, she starts to make me forget about the good things I do for us and just her. Half way through an argument I'll begin feeling like I'm a bad husband and then have to remind her of the good things I do.*
-Are you feeling rage and anger?: _*Definitely anger. I see it as if I could see my friends every two weeks without being given a hard time that I would have very little to complain about. *_
-Does she give you the cold treatment incase you express your true feelings or emotions? *Yes, many times I'm talking calmly about how I feel. If I explain I'm feeling bad due to her behavior she get's defensive and angry. *


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## led_zepp

steely said:


> I'll try as best I can
> 
> -Was she working earlier?: *yes*
> -Did she have a stable job?: *not yet but wants to*
> -Does her world just revolve around you? *That and family*
> -Is she possessive , jealous & requires you to take permission to meet friends or go for an unexpected business meeting?: *Yes! If there's a TV show on with an attractive girl on she get's jealous and accuses me of lusting after the girl... At times she's playing around but others's she actually upset. Anytime I meet friends I'm required to let her know which I understand. *
> -Does she try to manipulate you or bring up past issues & play around your head? *Yes, she starts to make me forget about the good things I do for us and just her. Half way through an argument I'll begin feeling like I'm a bad husband and then have to remind her of the good things I do.*
> -Are you feeling rage and anger?: _*Definitely anger. I see it as if I could see my friends every two weeks without being given a hard time that I would have very little to complain about. *_
> -Does she give you the cold treatment incase you express your true feelings or emotions? *Yes, many times I'm talking calmly about how I feel. If I explain I'm feeling bad due to her behavior she get's defensive and angry. *


hmmm .I don't want to be judgmental but definitely seems like emotional abuse & probably a personality disorder.. Once again read the articles in the post ; it will clearly reflect what emotional abuse is & BPD.



> Yes! If there's a TV show on with an attractive girl on she get's jealous and accuses me of lusting after the girl... At times she's playing around but others's she actually upset.


I am rofl laughing but I really understand what you are going through. FML my wife would go jealous just when I say hello to a female uni friend or colleague I meet at a mall or outside..


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## steely

led_zepp said:


> hmmm .I don't want to be judgmental but definitely seems like emotional abuse & probably a personality disorder.. Once again read the articles in the post ; it will clearly reflect what emotional abuse is & BPD.
> 
> 
> 
> I am rofl laughing but I really understand what you are going through. FML my wife would go jealous just when I say hello to a female uni friend or colleague I meet at a mall or outside..


Thank you for all of the advice, this helps a lot. I went through and read each article you posted earlier.. A few points in the articles are associated with my wife's behavior.


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## led_zepp

steely said:


> Thank you for all of the advice, this helps a lot. I went through and read each article you posted earlier.. A few points in the articles are associated with my wife's behavior.


It could also be the case your wife is alone at home the whole day & thinks about you all the time. Plus as she has no friends at the moment so life is hard for her. All she has is you. I am unemployed at the moment & I can assure you sitting at home all day watching TV, playing Xbox, reading, sleeping ,studying etc it can EAT up a person & things eventually get boring .

For me to avoid going insane (as my wife is not with me) I have set a proper schedule: wake up in the morning, read the newspaper, have breakfast, use FB, read BBC online, study & update my IT skills, have lunch, sleep & then in the evenings I hang around with friends\ex colleagues even friends who I am not close with or I just attend *meet-up.com or internations.com* gatherings *(hey its worthwhile asking your wife to check out the social sites as they have different groups for different activities.In the city I live in they have over 100 groups with different activities ie: couple gatherings, beer fanatics , weekend lovers,boardgame lovers, brunch buddies, campers , classic rock lovers, movie addicts , novels\books clubs etc)*. I don't know where you are located but probably they must be meetup groups in your location. meetup is a great way to make new friends & kill boredom. This could help your wife making new friends. If she does make new friends you both can think of spending some time apart doing things you like .

My wife wasn't open to the idea on making new friends or meeting my friends\colleagues & their spouses & she solely believed that a marriage only revolves family & husband\wife.


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## thatbpguy

steely said:


> I think I want to see my friends more after being married as my wife gives me a guilt trip about seeing friends once every two weeks. I've been unhappy in the marriage and resort to seeing friends who have always been there for me.


And this is your problem in all it's radiant glory.

Rather than making your marriage better, you are abandoning it. 

Best of luck in marriage #2.

And #3....


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## Rollin

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I already gave suggestions earlier. Sorry you decided to get your panties in a knot because I think playing video games with your guy friends is unappealing to most women. It is btw...sorry.


lol the arrogance to speak on behalf of 'most' women as if you have been intimate with every single one in the world

"if a woman doesn't like videogames, then i don't either"

seriously? and your telling this guy about his lack of masculinity when your actions are dependent upon some chicks view of videogames?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Maybe she'll come around with a compromise. I think once a month is not a good compromise either. Twice a month is better or during the week night for a couple hours.

One thing I wouldn't do is tell her what she needs to do, let her figure that on her own. Don't tell her to get new hobbies, it's much better to suggest it in a nice tone at a different time. Keep trying to work on a compromise. I think twice a month is more then fair. If your still going every week, ask her to come along. It might be awkward for her, but at least she can see what you guys are doing.

Good luck. If she's upset right now with the twice a week, let her be, but don't keep going weekly. Try the twice a week to see if things change. 

Your wife needs to think she's your number 1 priority in your life as she should be. She might feel like she's not and that your friends are more important to you then her. 

I still think you should be able to hang out with your friends, but not once a week. This isn't a battle on who's going to win either. Your marriage isn't a competition, it's a union between you and your wife. Working as a team works much better then telling each other who's right and who's wrong.


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## COguy

steely said:


> She does make me start wondering "maybe I' am being unreasonable" in these types of cases. It's to the point where the times I do spend with friends isn't even fun as I feel guilty for going after the things she's said to me. I don't know what to even do. I figured the best thing to do when she left is not to run after or call / text her as that would only reinforce that her behavior is acceptable?



exactly. at all times you must be calm and rational, do not give in to tantrums.


you will need counseling but I promise if you just walk into a regular marriage counselor you are not going to improve the situation. do your due diligence and find someone that specializes in PDs, or who does DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). make sure you give them background before you go in. a normal counselor will assume two healthy people and therefore assume you are half the problem. Also, people with cluster b disorders are pros at fooling therapists. 


WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU THINK SHE MAY HAVE A DISORDER. 


you will learn why as you study about it. but I can not emphasize this enough. you can not take that back and it will completely short circuit your process. 


another fact I should give you is not to get your hopes up, very few people with cluster b finish the long process of therapy needed to get healthy. odds are your marriage will be difficult until it ends. be thankful you are finding this out now instead of years from now. 


AND FOR GODS SAKE DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS WOMAN!!! 


I cannot describe the hell that is trying to coparent with someone like this.


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## creative

Yeah sorry dude, I agree with the other posters here, once a week to hang with the buds is a bit much. If you switched roles you would feel pretty bummed if your Misses spent time with the girls while your mates were too far away to see them. I love seeing my mates (not often now as I've moved further away) but when we do, it's like catching up like old times. 

If you want to change it back to fortnightly man-dates then that's all good but once a week is a single mans game. 

You seem like a good dude and you have a loving wife, but when it comes down to spending time with wives and friends, it's a give-and-take game. Maybe save up some dollars and surprise your wife to spend time with her girls out of appreciation for your man-date nights?, but I would look at making it once a fortnight out of respect of your wife. 

Maybe your Boys could come around to your home so it will be a win-win; your wife will see you, she will get to know your mates better and your mates will see you as a role model as a loving husband in how you should be around a loving wife. 

It's not about defeating or 'giving-in' to your wife's demands, it about maturing up and being the alpha man your misses married unless you want your wife to find one while your on your dates LOL!

Wait until you have kids dude...the focus goes completely on your kids, so you better start practicing now on your wife!!!

Good luck man


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## jaquen

Theseus said:


> Once a *month* is reasonable? You got to be kidding. So I can reasonably only see my best friend 12 times a year?
> 
> This has got to be the worst advice ever. And I'm not just picking on you, but to the other people here echoing you. If the priority in life must always be the spouse, then nothing else wins, ever. No pets, no children, no parents, no friends, nothing but spouse in your life. That is not healthy for any relationship.
> 
> Once a week is fine. That is pretty darn normal actually. What is not normal is insulating yourself and your spouse from the rest of the world.


That's not really surprising, unfortunately. Most of the men here are friendless, or damn near close to it, and most of the women seem to be married to men with almost no real friends.

So most people around here will always default to diminishing the importance of friendship and social time outside of your spouse. Friendship and non-marital socializing is actually pretty well villainized on TAM.

Never seen anything like it in my life, but it has opened my eyes to how others live.


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## Theseus

creative said:


> If you want to change it back to fortnightly man-dates then that's all good but once a week is a single mans game.


For the Americans on here, I will translate. "Fortnightly" = every two weeks.

I think some people on here are missing the point. The real issue is not whether he sees his friends once a week, twice a week, once a month, or whatever. *That issue is merely a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself*. The real problem is the wife's extreme insecurity that she is going to lose her husband, and the fact that he later mentioned she gets jealous even when an attractive woman is on the TV just helps confirm this. I wouldn't go so far as to say she is bipolar/borderline pd but that is possible. The point is, even if the husband gives up seeing these friends altogether, the root problem still remains, and it must be addressed or it's simply going to come out in other ways. 



> It's not about defeating or 'giving-in' to your wife's demands, it about maturing up and being the alpha man your misses married


I am confused how giving in to wife's demands = being an "alpha man". Seems like just the opposite. In any case, I would worry less about who is alpha and who is not, and worry more about finding ways to make the wife happy with who she is instead of blaming her problems on everything around her. Giving in to these demands isn't going to solve this problem; it's going to make the husband even more resentful, and set up a vicious cycle that just makes the wife more insecure in the long run.


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## jaquen

steely said:


> I spoke to my wife earlier and we started arguing again. She doesn't even like the idea of me seeing friends once every two weeks as she has no one around her other then me. I told her I cannot be her only hobby and that its unhealthy if that's the case. After I told her that she yelled at me and left the house.


My wife is a far less social person than I, or at least she use to be. Like your wife, she moved to a new city in order to be with me after marriage. New York City, to be precise. She was never a big city girl and she never made lots of friends easily. She was scared, intimidated, and her natural reaction was to try and revolve her entire existence around her new husband.

I killed that from the very beginning of our marriage. Now mind you we'd been together for many years before marriage, and were best friends for many years prior to that, so we knew each other extraordinarily well by the time we wed and we have a very strong line of communication in place. So that made this easier. But I told my wife that I would NOT be sacrificing my social life to revolve all my time around her. I reminded her that she knew exactly who she married, and that wasn't changing because she was scared. I told her that she was going to have to get out into the big, bad city and build her own social life, make her own world, just like the other 8 million people here. That's exactly how it was before we wed and that wouldn't change.

It was difficult at first. My wife was so scared that she didn't even want to walk the 3 blocks from the subway to our brownstone. I hung out a lot more than she did and I NEVER apologized for it. Eventually she got the memo. And she's FAR better off for it. Today she adores NYC (which she hated when she first moved here), has her own friends, her own relationship with the city, and is on the go with, or without, me; she's often out even more than I am. She's in a great place and she feels great about her life.

Sometimes the worst thing you can do is buckle into a scared, closed down spouse. Don't enable her to sit up in that house day after day, isolated, and expecting you to give up your life because she doesn't have one.

You two do have fundamental problems with how you see married life. But the more you describe your wife the more it's apparent that she's trying to control you from a place of fear and abandonment.


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## Emerald

Oh lord...no job, no friends, no hobbies.....is she depressed?

No disrespect OP, but was she like this when you were dating? No wonder you seem to be her whole world & she doesn't want you to see your friends & the fact that she calls you names & guilt trips you for doing normal things outside the marriage is very unhealthy & dysfunctional.

She needs to be seen by a medical doctor or a counselor for a depression or PD dx.

Now we all know the problem isn't the once-a-week BNO, but much deeper than that.


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## norajane

I think once she finds a job, many of these newlywed adjustments will become easier. She won't have so much time on her hands, she'll start to meet people and will make some friends, she'll start feeling more confident and comfortable with the life she is now living and will start to expand her horizons. Is there anything you can do to help her with her job search?

First year of marriage is a big adjustment for both of you. Try and remember that when you married, you became a team. Addressing issues is a team effort for the health of your marriage. When you address issues, both of you should be thinking from an "us" perspective rather than "me vs. you". 

If you want your marriage to succeed, you can't be thinking about winning arguments and being right and fighting against each other. Think about learning how to communicate and discuss issues in order to improve your bond and your relationship.

I wouldn't be so quick to jump on the personality disorder bandwagon and internet diagnoses by people who have never met your wife and don't know her perspective and why she holds it. 

First year of marriage isn't all sunshine and roses. It takes time and effort to adjust, especially if one of you is on unfamiliar territory without friends or job yet. Be kind and compassionate rather than stubborn and aggressive when you approach and try to resolve issues. You are in this together, right?


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## Caribbean Man

norajane said:


> *If you want your marriage to succeed, you can't be thinking about winning arguments and being right and fighting against each other. Think about learning how to communicate and discuss issues in order to improve your bond and your relationship.*


I fully agree with this, based on my very, own experience.


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## turnera

Steely, get the N.U.T.S. book, and read it WITH your wife. She'll see that you NEED time with your friends but that you also will give her time.


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## The Middleman

steely said:


> My wife says that my behavior is not normal and that any wife would not want her husband gone once a week. Please keep in my mind that unlike myself my wife doesnt have friends close by to spend time with. Each time I see my friends she gives me a guilt trip about the weekend being for couple time and how she will just stay at home alone...
> 
> Is my wife being controlling or I'm I in the wrong?
> 
> Thank you!


No, she is not controlling .... and yes you are wrong.

If it makes her uncomfortable you should .... at the very least ... tone it down and do it less frequently. Your married now and your first obligation is to your wife and marriage. Time to grow up pal.


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## Theseus

The Middleman said:


> No, she is not controlling .... and yes you are wrong.
> 
> If it makes her uncomfortable you should .... at the very least ... tone it down and do it less frequently. Your married now and your first obligation is to your wife and marriage. Time to grow up pal.



Read the rest of the thread. He offered to cut it down to every two weeks and she still wouldn't have it. She even gets jealous if attractive women come up on the television.


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## The Middleman

If she has other problems then she has to deal with them, but GNO's / BNO's are not good for marriages.


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## COguy

The Middleman said:


> If she has other problems then she has to deal with them, but GNO's / BNO's are not good for marriages.


he's not doing a BNO. He's doing a boys night in. healthy relationships involve having healthy same sex friendships. you can't do that if you never spend time with them. 


your advice is unhelpful at best.


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## ScarletBegonias

Steely,I feel the best thing for you two would be to find a really good counselor.I get the feeling both of you are too concerned about being right to have a really helpful discussion on your own about it.I think having someone there to guide the discussion and keep it on track is your best bet right now.Also,if there are any telltale signs of emotional issues for either of you the counselor will be able to navigate that as well.


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## Sennik

Emerald said:


> Now we all know the problem isn't the once-a-week BNO, but much deeper than that.


Indeed. Post #81 and #83 especially shed a 'bit'  more light on the situation.

OP I think you both have some issues but you at least sound like a reasonable guy and are willing to work on your marriage.

Sadly as other posters have recently stated I think your wife needs some professional help before she even gets to that point.


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## Sanity

I can't believe the crap i'm reading here. Once a week excessive? Bump it down to once a month? Seriously? 

The sad truth folks is nothing he gives up will ever be enough to satisfy her fear of abandoment. Once the friends or anything that takes time away from her is eliminated, she will then target something else. This is simply a way to control the time of your spouse and their anxiety caused by not seeing them. Its a trust issue and anything not "marriage safe" is immediately targeted for destruction. Some people just can't handle social non-sexual relantionships so they expect their social spouses to stop doing it as well. It's not fair to demand so much. How do police officer and deployed soldiers wives handle it? I'm sure many of them would just roll their eyes at such immaturity. 

I lost count how many times my ex would berate me for going out to play basketball or workout with my brother. I eventually cut it down to once every two weeks and once went a month without seeing him just to not try to start a fight. Nothing was enough and I hated myself for not being able to spend time with a person who has literally been then much longer than my then wife. I won't even bore you with my non family friends. I remember some of my friends not inviting me to go fishing because I kept saying no. Fishing dammit! I love fishing! 

In conclusion OP. Don't listen to some of the comments accusing you of being "immature" because God forbid you have friends and you play video games once a week. A man needs men to bounce things off of and do "manly" things.

The main issue at hand here is, why does your wife require so much reassurance?


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## anotherguy

Sanity said:


> The main issue at hand here is, why does your wife require so much reassurance?


yes.

...and lets not forget he says they are having serious problems. No - once a week is not 'too much' - I .. and others have said so - but the big qualifier here is a healthy relationship. I also admit the others have said once a week IS too much - and though I dont see that as a problem myself - I DO believe it is a problem if they are unable to get past their conflict on the issue. 'Can I go out once a week' is simply a gross oversimplification.

Sure. knock yourself out. Fix it, or keep doing what he is doing. Damn the torpedos - full steam ahead. See you in the 'divorce' forum.

If they are constantly at conflict and she sees him as running away to his friends for the only 'happy' time he has all week - you must agree there is more going on than a simply clingy wife? Maybe not. I have read this entire thread and Im not so sure.


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## Sanity

Oh and spending every moment up each others rectums will get old fast. Getting married shouldn't mean you only have one person to talk to for the rest of your life. 

PS: I'm still chuckling over the the premise that spending a few hours with male friends once week is excessive.


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## Sanity

anotherguy said:


> yes.
> 
> ...and lets not forget he says they are having serious problems. No - once a week is not 'too much' - I .. and others have said so - but the big qualifier here is a healthy relationship. I also admit the others have said once a week IS too much - and though I dont see that as a problem myself - I DO believe it is a problem if they are unable to get past their conflict on the issue. 'Can I go out once a week' is simply a gross oversimplification.
> 
> Sure. knock yourself out. Fix it, or keep doing what he is doing. Damn the torpedos - full steam ahead. See you in the 'divorce' forum.
> 
> If they are constantly at conflict and she sees him as running away to his friends for the only 'happy' time he has all week - you must agree there is more going on than a simply clingy wife? Maybe not. I have read this entire thread and Im not so sure.


EVERY SINGLE story I have heard detailing a clingy needy, smothering spouse ends up with divorce or a miserable existance. 

Riddle me this, if I enjoy political, philosophical and just plain intellectual discussion but the wife cannot provide this but demands I do not meet with male friends to have lively discussion, can I demand that she be ready for discussion as soon as I arrive? Does this mean I need to be up to date on the latest purses and styles?

Now i'm not saying that woman are more or less intelligent than men but we have gender specific interests that just do lend itself well to coed social settings. Lets be intellectually honest here, if the wife demands to be a part of his male outings more than likely she just wants to make sure he is behaving. Sorry I want a wife, not a controlling mommy.


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## turnera

Sanity said:


> PS: I'm still chuckling over the the premise that spending a few hours with male friends once week is excessive.


 The issue wasn't the amount. It was the change. She's messed up, but HE changed the frequency on her (which probably just spurred her issues even further).


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## Theseus

turnera said:


> The issue wasn't the amount. It was the change. She's messed up, but HE changed the frequency on her (which probably just spurred her issues even further).


But when he changed it back to every two weeks, she still said no. The change is not the real issue here.


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## turnera

Yeah, we all know that. Ad nauseum. Just pointing out that changing the rules, so to speak, mid relationship, can be a problem.


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## mule kick

turnera said:


> Yeah, we all know that. Ad nauseum. Just pointing out that changing the rules, so to speak, mid relationship, can be a problem.


It's also only one moment in time. She said just then, in the midst of all this, that she wasn't happy with any of it. That doesn't define the person or the future with her. Not sure how to take the thing about women on TV. Whether its blown up for purposes of making her look worse or truth, it could indicate a personality problem or just a perception issue. 

I don't like the idea of diagnosing someone's SO by reading the OPs opinion. Much clearer picture by talking to the OP about the OP. For instance I still don't know why the SO can't go hang out with his friends if all they do is watch movies and play video games.


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## Sanity

turnera said:


> Yeah, we all know that. Ad nauseum. Just pointing out that changing the rules, so to speak, mid relationship, can be a problem.


I don't see it as changing of "rules". Life in general doesn't lend itself to strict schedules 100%. There needs to be some give an take and an allowance for "spur of the moment" plans. My ex would tell me, not ask me mind you that she wanted to get her nails done and meet up with her sister for lunch. *NOT ONCE* did I ever said "Didn't you just go out last week with her?" yet when my brother would invite me to play basketball or get a bite to eat I would just say no as to not incur her wrath and childish tantrums. Yes I know I should have stood up to it but the wailing banshee sound destroys the will to fight over time. The consequences of saying no just to make peace with her affected my brothers and I relantionship. We are very close especially after our father died when we were young. I took the mantle of father figure and always looked out for him. 

Ultimately marriage shouldn't be about spending every waking moment with your spouse. Of course they are the love of your life and they should be your best friend but people need to experience life too as long as its not detrimental to the marriage. How much time should you spend with your wife? I have seen some people throw out numbers like minimum of 15 hours a week. I just don't know how people quantify hours equals love. Frankly I don't want to be in a position that requires so much time. Thats just not realistic.


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## turnera

Trust me, I agree with you. But we are not him and he has to solve his own issues, his own way.


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## Sanity

mule kick said:


> Not sure how to take the thing about women on TV. Whether its blown up for purposes of making her look worse or truth, it could indicate a personality problem or just a perception issue.
> 
> I don't like the idea of diagnosing someone's SO by reading the OPs opinion. Much clearer picture by talking to the OP about the OP. For instance I still don't know why the SO can't go hang out with his friends if all they do is watch movies and play video games.


My ex would change the channel when she was watching DWTS on the DVR because she knew i'm a leg fan. Pathetic. I never cared for the show but one time I was getting some water and she thought I was standing their watching the "sexy legs" and lusting. Its sad really. 

OP, 

These insecurity behaviors will never get better unless she gets professional therapy. Magic 8 ball says "not likely" sorry.


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## EleGirl

Zombie thread.


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