# It is like living with Ebenezer Scrooge, I swear!



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I know things are a bit stressful and tough with our move...but I wish I could blame that. The truth of the matter is that the move and the 50th birthday (today) are not really making anything better or worse- this is just how dh is all the time now.

The kids all made him cards, I bought a nice card and a Nook. He opened the card and grumbled at me he didn't want any gifts. He didn't even open it. Later I asked him if he was even going to open it and he said 'take it back'. He spent the last month insisting nobody give him a party (not that we were going to with our home in boxes). Then I asked him what he'd like for dinner tonight... again he grumbles at me and says "I don't care". 

Honestly... I cannot stand the Eyeore/Scrooge personality mix anymore... it is exhausting and sucking the LIFE out of me. No matter what I do or don't do, he isn't happier.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Right. I just tune it out. Little Miss Empress Victoria of the Realm has never gone 20 minutes in her adult life w/o complaining about money. As if she's what? Handicapped? Doesn't speak the language? Locked in cage? She could hang out her attorney shingle tomorrow, work 2 or 3 days a week doing bankruptcy and health care litigation and make $50-60/year w/o trying. 

No one has ever saved their way to prosperity.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Then quit doing stuff. Quit expecting him to embrace, enjoy or anything. Step back.....


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> I know things are a bit stressful and tough with our move...but I wish I could blame that. The truth of the matter is that the move and the 50th birthday (today) are not really making anything better or worse- this is just how dh is all the time now.
> 
> The kids all made him cards, I bought a nice card and a Nook. He opened the card and grumbled at me he didn't want any gifts. He didn't even open it. Later I asked him if he was even going to open it and he said 'take it back'. He spent the last month insisting nobody give him a party (not that we were going to with our home in boxes). Then I asked him what he'd like for dinner tonight... again he grumbles at me and says "I don't care".
> 
> Honestly... I cannot stand the Eyeore/Scrooge personality mix anymore... it is exhausting and sucking the LIFE out of me. No matter what I do or don't do, he isn't happier.


I could be somewhat like that. I never cared for all the celebrations and such, but I was never hateful about it. What does he like? perhaps he would like just a quiet evening or something as a gift. I think a lot of the parties and such that I see are for the enjoyment of the giver rather than the receiver. Things are celebrated a lot differently now that when I was growing up. For example, ever been to a restaurant where they come out clapping and singing because it's someone's birthday? I wouldn't want that at all, so why do it?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

He is depressed. On top of that he is the big 50. He is looking back, and realizing he isn't where he thinks he should be in his life. What he wants you can't give him.

His youth back
Good looks back
Vibrant health

Try to get him to go to the dr. He may need to be evauated for depression, and treated.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm with 4sure he's at the very least mildly depressed. No doubt about it.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i just turned 50 two weeks ago, yeah im depressed about it. my kids made a fuss with decorations, cards, brownies......i smiled my way thru it because i know they love me.....but i could have done without any of it.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

4sure said:


> He is depressed. On top of that he is the big 50. He is looking back, and realizing he isn't where he thinks he should be in his life.
> 
> Try to get him to go to the dr. He may need to be evauated for depression, and treated.


:iagree:
When I was in the thick of my depression all those things that should put a smile on any Dad's/Husband's face were nothing more than annoyances. It sucked. He can get better with help. 

PS - my wife never understood/will understand how I felt.


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## shellsaplenty (Aug 1, 2011)

I know this is the mens clubhouse, and I apologize for stepping in. I just know so many, many men who have the same types of things going on in their lives, and for that I feel sad. It's as if a part of their life is being robbed because they refuse to get help, or reach out with the deepest part of their vulnerability to someone they trust. Without that type of action, it's as if their is a poison making them sick, and the cure is so very reachable, and available, but the hand refuses to to reach out to get it. I hope the trend begins to change, for the sake of men who struggle, and their loved ones. People need people.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Google "irritable male syndrome" or "andropause" and start reading. Your husband sounds like this.

Irritable male syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Andropause - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Here's a book you might be interested in:

Amazon.com: Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome eBook: Jed Diamond Ph.D.: Kindle Store


You can't make him happier, only he can. So, work on doing the things that make you happy.

Best wishes.


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## shellsaplenty (Aug 1, 2011)

For you lisa3girls, I am sorry you endure this. It must be exhausting, and depressing. My advice to you is to begin to ask clear questions, and then accept the answers without taking them personally. Realize this is a struggle he has within himself. You may want to keep yourself healthy by staying focused on you and the family until your husband begins to awaken to the fact that he is in pain. Then he will begin to seek answers.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Depression sucks  It sucks for your husband and you.

I would step back...don't be co-dependent, be yourself and do happy things. I don't know if he'd be interested in getting help for his issues.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Google "irritable male syndrome" or "andropause" and start reading. Your husband sounds like this.
> 
> Irritable male syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> ...



Thanks I really am trying... I mean, usually I just bite my tongue and move on to keep the peace, but sometimes I just cannot help myself. This is a real exchange we had the other night.

I had just gotten home... he had asked me to pick up a grinder from a place to which he gave me the wrong name... once I discovered it, I went to the right place... no big deal. (I mention this only so you realize he does plenty of things that COULD piss me of, but I choose not to make a big fuss about things like that). So we get home, and he divides up the grinder between me, my oldest and himself (it is a huge grinder). My 10 year old daughter, who had dinner at the rink said to me, mommy, can I try a piece (we never got a grinder from this place before). So I said 'sure'. I headed to the kitchen to cut her a couple bites of mine. My husband butts in:

Him: I'll give her some of mine. 

Me: Ok.. she had dinner at the rink, she really just wants to taste it. (I only say this so he realizes a very small bit is all that is required).

Him: (in a very pissed off tone) Why the hell doesn't anyone tell me these things or EVER communicate these things to me... what the hell? (now he is being pissy about cutting her a piece). 

Me: (now I admit a pissy tone, I couldn't BELIEVE this was an issue.. really) I AM communicating it to you, right now, what was I supposed to do, send you a letter? 

Him: WHY are you yelling at me? :scratchhead:

Me: Because I cannot for the life of me figure out WHAT your problem is and WHAT I was exactly supposed to be communicating about the grinder.

Him: Just stick it. (sits down in a huff).

Seriously, WTF?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Thanks I really am trying... I mean, usually I just bite my tongue and move on to keep the peace, but sometimes I just cannot help myself. This is a real exchange we had the other night.
> 
> I had just gotten home... he had asked me to pick up a grinder from a place to which he gave me the wrong name... once I discovered it, I went to the right place... no big deal. (I mention this only so you realize he does plenty of things that COULD piss me of, but I choose not to make a big fuss about things like that). So we get home, and he divides up the grinder between me, my oldest and himself (it is a huge grinder). My 10 year old daughter, who had dinner at the rink said to me, mommy, can I try a piece (we never got a grinder from this place before). So I said 'sure'. I headed to the kitchen to cut her a couple bites of mine. My husband butts in:
> 
> ...


idk - Maybe it would have been better to just say "Thanks" and left it at that when he stated he would give your daughter some. Otherwise, perhaps he feels frustrated because he perceives himself as being disrespected or ignored. In the words of one of my favorite authors, the inestimable Jane Austen, "The less said the better."


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> idk - Maybe it would have been better to just say "Thanks" and left it at that when he stated he would give your daughter some. Otherwise, perhaps he feels frustrated because he perceives himself as being disrespected or ignored. In the words of one of my favorite authors, the inestimable Jane Austen, "The less said the better."


But...then he would have given her a big piece and been irritated at her for not eating it all. WHY should I have to be worried about my words all the time? I didn't say anything wrong at all. In what way was letting him know she'd eaten and probably wasn't incredibly hungry disrepecting or ignoring him??


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> But...then he would have given her a big piece and been irritated at her for not eating it all. WHY should I have to be worried about my words all the time? I didn't say anything wrong at all. In what way was letting him know she'd eaten and probably wasn't incredibly hungry disrepecting or ignoring him??


I don't know. I was just trying to imagine being in his shoes. I am assuming that he hasn't always been like this and has gotten worse as time has gone on. Is that true?

His statement about why he's never told anything made me think that he might feel like he's marginalized or ignored. 

Another way to handle it might have been to say, "Thanks" and then say to your daughter "Let Dad know how much you feel like you want to eat." taking yourself out of the equation altogether. 

I'm not sure how to handle someone that always seems so unreasonable, except by trying to maintain your reason and your calm and your confidence as much as possible.

I know that you guys are in some kind of family counseling - are you in marriage counseling as well? Does he even acknowledge that his words and his actions are causing stress in your marriage?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds familiar.

I have learned to just let my husband do what he does. I don't try to tell him how or what or why to do it. With the kids, he does things differently and I don't say a word now.

He's much happier. He felt controlled or that nothing he did was smart enough or good enough. However, he is enough


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I don't know. I was just trying to imagine being in his shoes. I am assuming that he hasn't always been like this and has gotten worse as time has gone on. Is that true?
> 
> His statement about why he's never told anything made me think that he might feel like he's marginalized or ignored.
> 
> ...


It has gotten worse, and I know he 'feels' marginalized and ignored, but honestly, the more I try to address it the worse it gets. He isn't ignored, I ask his input on everything, and most times we don what HE wants... but I refuse to always give in to his way just to make him feel less 'ignored'. I have already agreed to sell her horse, pay off the credit card debt, buy the condo HE wants, gave away my cat etc. ALL that and still, not one change in his feelings. 

His idea of not being ignored is apparently for everything to be his way on every issue, sorry that is not happening. 

My teenager has a counselor, we have not really gone for us.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Sounds familiar.
> 
> I have learned to just let my husband do what he does. I don't try to tell him how or what or why to do it. With the kids, he does things differently and I don't say a word now.
> 
> He's much happier. He felt controlled or that nothing he did was smart enough or good enough. However, he is enough


But I live in a minefield... we were packing stuff yesterday, and I picked up my daughters cloth clarinet case. It smelled bad and I suspected the cat had peed on it. He was in the room with me (and he has a much better sense of smell) and I asked him if he thought so too. So I said I'd throw it out. He starts going off on me about the cat (which I already gave away because honestly I couldn't take another minute of fighting about the cat)-- EVERYONE else in the house is devestated about the loss of the family pet and he cannot just shut up and let it go.... how do I now get mad and upset living like this with constant word battles. I mean what is the point of berating me about a cat I already gave away??


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

50! When I'm 50, I'm going to embrace that party, have all my friends over, and get tanked! I'll embrace those homemade cards! Stick them on the fridge! Play loud music and enjoy the day!

It's too bad sometimes we tend to let the bitterness overwhelm us. Been there! Done that! Too much to enjoy to let that happen again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> 50! When I'm 50, I'm going to embrace that party, have all my friends over, and get tanked! I'll embrace those homemade cards! Stick them on the fridge! Play loud music and enjoy the day!
> 
> It's too bad sometimes we tend to let the bitterness overwhelm us. Been there! Done that! Too much to enjoy to let that happen again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This is exactly it...he is so angry and bitter, he isn't even the guy I knew anymore... it is killing things between us and somehow he doesn't see himself having any part in it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> But...then he would have given her a big piece and been irritated at her for not eating it all. WHY should I have to be worried about my words all the time? I didn't say anything wrong at all. In what way was letting him know she'd eaten and probably wasn't incredibly hungry disrepecting or ignoring him??


50 can be really tough and your man seems to be a mess over it. Start by not worrying. If your purpose is to be loving you're in the clear and whatever he says or feels is his problem. Personally, I think there is someone inside that really wants all the things you want him to have and you want to do for him but somehow other concerns (his alone to know) keeps the loving guy inside from coming out.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I hope you are right ten year hubby... I worry that in the meantime, he is destroying our ability to connect.... most days I dread going home to the nagging and moaning and pissy attitude.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> But I live in a minefield... we were packing stuff yesterday, and I picked up my daughters cloth clarinet case. It smelled bad and I suspected the cat had peed on it. He was in the room with me (and he has a much better sense of smell) and I asked him if he thought so too. So I said I'd throw it out. He starts going off on me about the cat (which I already gave away because honestly I couldn't take another minute of fighting about the cat)-- EVERYONE else in the house is devastated about the loss of the family pet and he cannot just shut up and let it go.... how do I now get mad and upset living like this with constant word battles. I mean what is the point of berating me about a cat I already gave away??


Hm. That is peculiar. 

Is he doing drugs? I mean, I would suspect that but that's because I used to do some drugs and hung out with druggies. lol.

He does sound depressed. Maybe he doesn't like his life right now so he's taking it out on you


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> I hope you are right ten year hubby... I worry that in the meantime, he is destroying our ability to connect.... most days I dread going home to the nagging and moaning and pissy attitude.


Yeah, this is not cool. The best thing you can do is disconnect your feelings from his disposition, keep a positive or at least neutral disposition yourself and let him go though whatever it is that's raining on him day and night. You've been married long enough that a little less connecting won't cause any damage. If you stay positive, he'll snap out of it.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Hm. That is peculiar.
> 
> Is he doing drugs? I mean, I would suspect that but that's because I used to do some drugs and hung out with druggies. lol.
> 
> He does sound depressed. Maybe he doesn't like his life right now so he's taking it out on you


I mean geesh, he is like a dog with a bone about certain things. It is like a power thing... like he is going to make me miserable about X or Y until I comply and even then he is going to keep on it. I have told him how much I hate it, but nothing changes.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I've seen men who are generally pessimistic, and middle age seems to only make it worse, becoming sour. I wonder if this is just more recent, and even he couldn't really explain what's going on in his mind.

I sometimes just find myself in an irritable mood in certain situations. Rarely lasts more than a few hours, and I try to apologize when I realize what is going on. Doesn't happen much, but it really impacts my wife. An important part of this is that I wish my wife could understand is that she isn't the cause of it, and she is learning just to let it go, until I finally kick the lawnmower and feel better. 

When I realize how I was behaving, my upbringing leads me to go to her and ask for her forgiveness. I can imagine that if your husband doesn't just clear the air and apologize, he can get caught up in a vicious cycle. Maybe he even tries to justify his behavior by linking it to something you did.

Somehow, he has to find a way to see this irritation coming, and respond to it. All you can do is to make it easy for him to do this with disarming comments, like, "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but it makes me feel like ... (fill in the blank). I want you to be happy."

I've learned to just mentally turn frustrating events into an opportunity to have fun. If packing for a vacation leads to frustration because she seems to be taking everything we own, I'll turn it into a game. Of course, it frustrates her when she's packing and leaves the room, only to find that I put the old lightweight kitchen sink on top of her suitcase when she returns. That one never gets old.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So I was dog sitting for a week and low and behold this normally super high maintenance hound got into something got sick and crapped all over the house for 3 days. Despite my entreaties to take her to the vet I got a week of people complaining about the efficiency with which I cleaned up dog crap. The owner returned and told be 'she's fine'. He took her home and called me twice after midnight freaking out that the dog was crapping on his floor now and why didn't I bring her to the vet (already asked and and told not to do it). So now he's got to bring her to his vet and deal with it. 

That's kind of how I feel about all of this. Stop nano-managing me and then flipping out when it turns out exactly as you demanded. Dog's not going to die, but it's not going to clean up after itself either.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> So I was dog sitting for a week and low and behold this normally super high maintenance hound got into something got sick and crapped all over the house for 3 days. Despite my entreaties to take her to the vet I got a week of people complaining about the efficiency with which I cleaned up dog crap. The owner returned and told be 'she's fine'. He took her home and called me twice after midnight freaking out that the dog was crapping on his floor now and why didn't I bring her to the vet (already asked and and told not to do it). So now he's got to bring her to his vet and deal with it.
> 
> That's kind of how I feel about all of this. Stop nano-managing me and then flipping out when it turns out exactly as you demanded. Dog's not going to die, but it's not going to clean up after itself either.



I must be dense...I don't get what you are saying to me at all here


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To me it boils down to people owning their own misery. It doesn't require a lot of analysis as to why they're grumpy and anxious all the time. I don't care. I don't want to care. But mostly what I want is to not hear about it. You can only do so much to appease someone's worst nature and foul outlook. So worrying about how much more you can do, often in complete futility, is, well, futile. The dog is going to crap all over the floor and you can clean it up because you have to. But beyond that, if the owner forbids me to take it to the vet or is indifferent about it until HE's the one suffering from the dog's illness, there's not much to be done EXCEPT for not listening to them carp and whine about how you're the one doing all the work. Chip in or shut up, I say.


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