# noticed a very common theme here



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I see the theme wife's friend may be inappropriate (mix these up in any order you like). I have yet to see one that turns out to just be a overreaction. THoughts?????


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There are just as many "his female friend" posts.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

People (not just women; not just men) have really poor boundaries or look for approval/attention/esteem in the wrong places.

If it was as easy to talk to our spouses as it is to strangers or vague acquaintances, there'd be a lot less infidelity. It's a real shame that so many of us can't communicate .


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> There are just as many "his female friend" posts.


I'm here because my fiance had an inappropriate female friend.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Jelly I don't think that's the point. I think what's being said is that mostly where there's smoke there's fire. That being the case what I say is this. When someone gets to the point where something is making them uneasy enough to post about it here it's usually not nothing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> Jelly I don't think that's the point. I think what's being said is that mostly where there's smoke there's fire.


I stand corrected. You are right. The gut feeling is such a crazy thing, isn't it? Sometimes we think we are overreacting when our instinct is right on the money. 

That "uncomfortable" feeling we get is there for a reason.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> People (not just women; not just men) have really poor boundaries or look for approval/attention/esteem in the wrong places.
> 
> If it was as easy to talk to our spouses as it is to strangers or vague acquaintances, there'd be a lot less infidelity. It's a real shame that so many of us can't communicate .


I think this post sums it up the best for probably 95% of WS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I stand corrected. You are right. The gut feeling is such a crazy thing, isn't it? Sometimes we think we are overreacting when our instinct is right on the money.
> 
> That "uncomfortable" feeling we get is there for a reason.



For sure but through experience I have a theory on that. I think it starts with first and foremost knowing things aren't quite right in the marriage. Whether the connection has been lost, communication minimal, loss of intimacy, and everything in between. The signs are usually there and then for some reason you just get that feeling. Then usually a check of text messages or facebook confirm that feeling.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Yeah. A lot of us come here thinking "seems like something is not right, but I can't put my finger on it." Never turns out to be all in their head. 

Here's some of what I wrote in Shelby's thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53205-you-going-mad-me-5.html#post974198

Shelby seems to be of the view that his story will turn out to be something different. He may be right. Hopefully he will come back to let us know.

This topic also came up in The Script is Always the same:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53000-script-always-same.html#post967738


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> People (not just women; not just men) have really poor boundaries or look for approval/attention/esteem in the wrong places.
> 
> If it was as easy to talk to our spouses as it is to strangers or vague acquaintances, there'd be a lot less infidelity. It's a real shame that so many of us can't communicate .



You also have people that are just plain scum. One of my wife's former high school boyfriends couldn't help but have to continuously make sexual comments to my wife on Facebook. Long story short he is no longer one of her Facebook friends.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> You also have people that are just plain scum. One of my wife's former high school boyfriends couldn't help but have to continuously make sexual comments to my wife on Facebook. Long story short he is no longer one of her Facebook friends.


I suspect the longer version is more entertaining.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

There are predators; absolutely.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Yeah. A lot of us come here thinking "seems like something is not right, but I can't put my finger on it." Never turns out to be all in their head.
> 
> Here's some of what I wrote in Shelby's thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53205-you-going-mad-me-5.html#post974198
> 
> ...



It will always be the case. As for Shelby it's easier to bury your head in the sand than to face the truth.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

It just s^cks when some of find this site a little too late,, and we don't find the evidence to prove otherwise.... we don't believe that it's "just friends",, but can't prove otherwise,,,, and know that our SO is not going to spill it,, so we are left with that unknown, which for a lot of us, ends up being the destruction of our marriage. 

Either we just "forget about it",,, or go with our "gut instinct" and move on alone.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> It just s^cks when some of find this site a little too late,, and we don't find the evidence to prove otherwise.... we don't believe that it's "just friends",, but can't prove otherwise,,,, and know that our SO is not going to spill it,, so we are left with that unknown, which for a lot of us, ends up being the destruction of our marriage.
> 
> Either we just "forget about it",,, or go with our "gut instinct" and move on alone.


Yup and that was my point when I made that thread that the script is always the same. It goes again every urge to keep things quiet so that more concrete evidence can be found. Most fly off the handle and run to their spouse will little more than a lot of text messages being sent. To be fair most haven't spent the time studying up on what to do if you suspect you're being cheated on. What everyone has to know now is that technology can uncover more evidence very quickly.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> Yup and that was my point when I made that thread that the script is always the same.


I should have recognized that that your work before linking it up like I had something to add.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> I suspect the longer version is more entertaining.


It was during a period of time when I was monitoring my wife's computer. I saw a couple of Facebook chats and would always see that no matter what he would always have to lead into a sexual conversation. To my wife's credit she would always immediately find an excuse to get off the computer or just immediately log off. 

Anyway, at one point my wife actually left her Facebook open on her net book while upstairs doing something. I saw that he was on and was trying to message her. I clicked and it had the history of their last chat. I asked her what was going on and she said that she didn't do anything and that he would always make these disgusting remarks.

I then asked her if she thought this was a friend and if he should still be on her Facebook. She agreed that the answer was no and took him off right in front of me. I didn't want to leave it at that because I assumed this guy would be trying to figure out what was going on. I contacted him myself and told him I saw the chats and if he didn't go away I would broadcast on Facebook what complete scumbag he is.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> It was during a period of time when I was monitoring my wife's computer. I saw a couple of Facebook chats and would always see that no matter what he would always have to lead into a sexual conversation. To my wife's credit she would always immediately find an excuse to get off the computer or just immediately log off.
> 
> Anyway, at one point my wife actually left her Facebook open on her net book while upstairs doing something. I saw that he was on and was trying to message her. I clicked and it had the history of their last chat. I asked her what was going on and she said that she didn't do anything and that he would always make these disgusting remarks.
> 
> I then asked her if she thought this was a friend and if he should still be on her Facebook. She agreed that the answer was no and took him off right in front of me. I didn't want to leave it at that because I assumed this guy would be trying to figure out what was going on. I contacted him myself and told him I saw the chats and if he didn't go away I would broadcast on Facebook what complete scumbag he is.


Civil, but effective.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Civil, but effective.


I could've went the route of harping on why she would keep talking to him and when she didn't take him off there herself. After hearing what she had to say and seeing for myself that she wouldn't go near his comments I felt I took the best route. He's not even a memory or a thought now so I guess in that instance it was the best course of action.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I was just admiring your restraint in dealing with POSOM.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> I was just admiring your restraint in dealing with POSOM.


Thanks....but for complete disclosure I must say he lives in another state now or a face to face discussion was more likely.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> People (not just women; not just men) have really poor boundaries or look for approval/attention/esteem in the wrong places.
> 
> If it was as easy to talk to our spouses as it is to strangers or vague acquaintances, there'd be a lot less infidelity. It's a real shame that so many of us can't communicate .



A real issue is that most marriages never discuss boundaries and then it's ten or more years down the road before it becomes an issue. My advice to newlyweds would be to have those discussions so things like how you feel about opposite sex friendships doesn't come as a surprise later on.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> A real issue is that most marriages never discuss boundaries and then it's ten or more years down the road before it becomes an issue. My advice to newlyweds would be to have those discussions so things like how you feel about opposite sex friendships doesn't come as a surprise later on.


I would guess that most of us get married and go through years of it, until an affair presents, without ever considering, let alone discussing, safeguarding the marriage or threats to the union.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Sure. It simply doesn't occur to you that you have to be vigilant; that your relationship needs to be safeguarded.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

That's why I am here. I am naturally suspicious due to the fact I was bullied as a kid. Friends turned on me so as I kid I just learned to read people. So I just found myself checking the phone bill on a whim and thank God I did. It was early enough that the claws hadn't sunk deep enough to cause major issues. 
It was a scary time seeing my wife withdrawal. She still hasn't accepted what it was. But she knows I am watching.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> Yup and that was my point when I made that thread that the script is always the same. It goes again every urge to keep things quiet so that more concrete evidence can be found. Most fly off the handle and run to their spouse will little more than a lot of text messages being sent. To be fair most haven't spent the time studying up on what to do if you suspect you're being cheated on. What everyone has to know now is that technology can uncover more evidence very quickly.


Yup, that's what I did. Confronted with just red flags and no evidence. Biggest mistake of my life...

Much wiser now....technology will be my friend this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Deleted by Labcoat... It was a threadjack.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> A real issue is that most marriages never discuss boundaries and then it's ten or more years down the road before it becomes an issue. My advice to newlyweds would be to have those discussions so things like how you feel about opposite sex friendships doesn't come as a surprise later on.


Boy howdy. We should have this bronzed.

But in fairness, we are all playing cultural catch-up where tech stuff is concerned. 

Now we live in the world where you can sit right next to someone on the sofa and secretly communicate with someone else on the other side of the world. And both people none the wiser, if you so choose.

I remember the first time I read about a teenage girl having a problem--she had shared all her passwords with her boyfriend, then had neglected to change them when they broke up and he had wreaked havoc with her accounts. But the underlying idea--that you would have total trust in someone and would share anything with them, and therefore they ought to have your passwords--that was intriguing. Obviously ill-advised if you're not married, and positively shocking to many people OVER a certain age, as something that had never once occurred to them.


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## DesertRatinUT (Aug 15, 2012)

I think I have suspected for about six months to a year and though I have circumstantial evidence, I haven't caught her in the act yet but that too will come, its only a matter of time. 

In terms of our marriage, our marriage has been great if she is my business and financial partner or a close room mate. She stopped being my wife about 3 to almost 4 years ago. I am glad I found this site and for the advice on it. We have had the talk on boundaries several times in our marriage but I think (not to justify my wife breaking into an EA relationship, and what I am sure is a PA one) that as one grows disillusioned with one's current marriage, the enticement of a crafty person is easy to fall into because you want and need that affection. The problem is not working it out with your spouse in the first place, that to me is where the betrayal begins. Unless there is physical, verbal or sexual abuse which then to me means leaving ASAP, I think you owe to your spouse to try to work things out and both parties have to be willing to do so. It is that unwillingness to work through the difficult times that stops the times of serenity, of closeness and companionship that I believe we all seek, be it male or female. 

In terms of my marriage we have had problems in it at times, and some very very good times. The problems originate more from me I believe but then as I have successful worked through a couple of issues with help, I don't think she has forgiven me. I got counseling and help, she didn't and I think again, therein lies our problem. I learned to forgive myself (no I didn't cheat, I made a lot on money in my life and I spent and lied to cover up my spending, betraying her trust in a different way) and she has not learned to forgive me. I learned what was behind the cause, I dwelt with it with professional medical help, and it made me a stronger person. I think we started growing apart at that time and that lead to her eventually seeking someone else that she thinks will fill her needs. I am hopeful that in time, we can work our issues out as I am more deeply in love with her today then when we were married over 24 years ago. 

Finally I heard a saying a while back that I like. Know how to not fall out of the bed? Get firmly and deeply in the middle of the bed, don't go near the edge. I think in our marriages we need to remember not to fall out of them by straying too close to the edge. Just some thoughts I hope apply to the theme of the thread.


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