# Are my expectations of marriage realistic?



## Kermitty

I've recently started questioning wether my unhappiness with my relationship has to do with my wanting something that isn't real. I know that marriage has its ups and downs. I know there will always be arguments and bickering but at the end of the day, shouldn't there be something special that keeps you together besides staying for the kids or just convincing yourself things are not that bad. For those who are happily married, I would love to hear your opinion on my list of what I would like from my husband. Be honest. I can take it 

being married means I have my best friend with me for life. 
I look forward to seeing him after work. 
I miss him when he is gone. 
He can make me giggle. 
He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so. 
He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us. 
He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver. 
He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them. 
He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired. 
He finds me attractive and shows it. 
He puts up with my quirks for the most part. 
He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved. 
He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to. 
He takes part in family activities and adores his children. 
He helps me raise the kids. 
He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life. 
He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me. 
I can not imagine my life without him.


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## KKanon

I could have written this post. I am at a point where I am questioning whether I am an ungrateful, unhappy person looking for trouble, or some of the things you listed are unreasonable to expect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000

1. I look forward to seeing him after work. Sure, that sounds nice. 
But first, be a friend. Do you smile, ask him how his day is, plan some things. If you have made a good effort and he is angry or difficult, then you have a complaint. Don't expect more from him than you expect of yourself. 

2. I miss him when he is gone. Hopefully. 

3. He can make me giggle. Not essential. Some unfaithful husbands get lots of women because they are funny, most long-term marriages are based upon concern and love, not necessarily humor. 

4. He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so. 
If he's wrong, he should apologize. Happy couiples try to get over conflict but I assume men don't always apologize because their wives cry. 

5. He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us. Sure, that is true. I think most men would say that, and some say women seem to complain rather than be happy with what they have. Men tend to hate complaining about things that cannot be changed. 

6. He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver. 
With some liimits. Women and men are not big on criticism. If a woman gained weight, she may not want suggestions. In successful marriages, people are careful about criticism or candor. 

7. He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them. Sure you are a team. This is something many men would say. 

8. He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired. Many men are not too good at this. They tend to address contact in terms of sexual contact and tend to do little hugging. Common complaint of women. 

9. He finds me attractive and shows it. Hopefully so and defers the candor you talked about it as people get older. 

10. He puts up with my quirks for the most part. Hopefully on both sides. You can't be too quirky, the man who walks around with strange clothes or is sloppy cannot expect his wife to be happy with his quirks, and the woman who is cranky cannot expect her husband to be happy about it. 

11. He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved. Again vice versa too. She is willing to do things that she may not like, see a game, etc, because she likes doing things as a couple. They have common interests and both have a desire to make the marriage succeed. 

12. He opens me to new experiences and thoughts. This may be a little much to expect to have him plan new activities on a weekly basis. At the least, he should be open to new activities you plan. If you thought you could afford a short cruise, he would try that too. 

13. He takes part in family activities and adores his children. 
He helps me raise the kids. Sure. If you have kids, he should help. That may be playing sports with the kids, and I taught my 2year old girl how to swing a bat and she can hit better that the boys she knows. 

14. He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life. He should be able to do a B or a 7 on a 10 scale. You should have reasonable foreplay, a backrub, some nice words, and be able to defer himself for a few minutes. Most men are probably receptive to some constructive criticism. (not sure woman are worried about a few minutes of criticism and would think prolonged rejection would be better). 

15. He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me. True enough. But decisions are mutual, a wife does not simply decide and expect him to meekly support what she decides. She has a good sense of what he wants and needs and contours decisions to minimize conflict. 

16. I can not imagine my life without him. True but one senses people who are good wives would be able to live with different people and others are not likely to be happy in any relationship.


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## east2west

I'm happily married and those sound like reasonable expectations to me. If my wife said I wasn't meeting any of those items on your list I would want to work on it.


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## SimplyAmorous

Kermitty said:


> being married means I have my best friend with me for life.
> I look forward to seeing him after work.
> I miss him when he is gone.
> He can make me giggle.
> He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
> He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us.
> He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
> He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them.
> He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired.
> He finds me attractive and shows it.
> He puts up with my quirks for the most part.
> He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved.
> He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to.
> He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
> He helps me raise the kids.
> He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life.
> He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me.
> I can not imagine my life without him.


 I could have written this list to describe How I feel about my husband & how he treats me... only one of those does not fit.... I can't really think of any times he has made me cry, really hurting me..... the only crying he might get me to do is some happy sappy mushy tears... a thankful cry. He is superb at making Love... but I'd say I bring more of the FUN & creativity to the bedroom.

But I married a man who has Physical Touch & Time at the top of his Love Languages, he is also very sensitive, affectionate & Romantic... he has always preferred hanging with me over the guys..... he is a pure family man (helps the kids with their homework, plays board games & watches movies with them) ....tipped more Beta over Alpha...and he has a calm giving temperament by nature.

I don't feel it is asking too much.... what you describe on this list is the marital dream in how many wives (but not all) may want treated day in & day out... Some of the things you say may sound "too dependent" /needy like ...."I can't imagine my life without him"... I feel the hopeless romantic type does FEEL this way (I am one of those).... I don't see nothing wrong with it. 

I'd say this ebbs & flows for the majority.....depending on what is going on in their lives at the time.


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## Mr Blunt

> I've recently started questioning wether my unhappiness with my relationship has to do with my wanting something that isn't real. I know that marriage has its ups and downs. I know there will always be arguments and bickering but at the end of the day, shouldn't there be something special that keeps you together besides staying for the kids or just convincing yourself things are not that bad. For those who are happily married, I would love to hear your opinion on my list of what I would like from my husband. Be honest. I can take it
> 
> being married means I have my best friend with me for life.
> I look forward to seeing him after work.
> I miss him when he is gone.
> He can make me giggle.
> He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
> He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us.
> He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
> He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them.
> He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired.
> He finds me attractive and shows it.
> He puts up with my quirks for the most part.
> He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved.
> He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to.
> He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
> He helps me raise the kids.
> He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life.
> He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me.
> I can not imagine my life without him.



Your list is great
*In real life you will not get all those but may get some of those some of the time.*There will be times when you just have to bear unhappiness and hold on until things get better


I think that any successful marriage has a lot of those in that list. I just want to warn you that expecting 90% of those to be present 90% of the time is expecting too much and you will be greatly disappointed.


I would say that as long as you have over 50% of them present more than 50% of the time, you will have a successful marriage. That is my observation about a very general question.


*My response is based on LONG term marriages not marriages that have just a few years behind them*

SimplyAmorous is a rare exception in my opinion
CONGRADULATIONS SA!


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## Mavash.

I have all that and I've been married 21 years. Our marriage wasn't always so great but we've always been committed to making it better. And our problems had more to do with me than him. He's a great guy who I've always adored. I was the one who messed it up. It's all better now.


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## Coffee Amore

Kermitty said:


> I've recently started questioning wether my unhappiness with my relationship has to do with my wanting something that isn't real. I know that marriage has its ups and downs. I know there will always be arguments and bickering but at the end of the day, shouldn't there be something special that keeps you together besides staying for the kids or just convincing yourself things are not that bad. For those who are happily married, I would love to hear your opinion on my list of what I would like from my husband. Be honest. I can take it
> 
> being married means I have my best friend with me for life.
> I look forward to seeing him after work.
> I miss him when he is gone.
> He can make me giggle.
> He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
> He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us.
> He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
> He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them.
> He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired.
> He finds me attractive and shows it.
> He puts up with my quirks for the most part.
> He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved.
> He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to.
> He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
> He helps me raise the kids.
> He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life.
> He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me.
> I can not imagine my life without him.


I'm happily married and I think those are reasonable expectations so long as you reciprocate on all those issues as well and do the same for him.

I've also read some other posts of yours and you posted that you had an affair. Dealing with your betrayed husband's feelings from that will take priority. Whatever minor faults and shortcomings he had, and we all have them including you, he didn't deserve to be betrayed that way.


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## familyfirst09

I think those are very reasonable expectations as long as they go both ways. But I think us women do tend to expect more than what most men can offer (no offense to the men out there). I know I do in my case. First you(I) need to determine if he can fulfil thos expectations. And if he can't then you (I) need to determine if you (I) can live with that. 

Once I'm over the mess I'm in now, those will be my golden rules going into the next one. I don't plan on settling, I deserve the best and so does my D, but I will be willing to compromise. Are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO

I strongly second the advice given earlier to not ask for more than you are willing to give in return. A corollary to this is to consider his needs equally important to yours.

By going online and through IRL experiences, I've seen attitudes suggesting that men are supposed to provide more, expect less, or defer to women in crucial family life arenas such as sex, finances, and division of family responsibilities.

Those attitudes might not be the norm, but they do exist. And you may not be aware of those biases if you've been exposed to them your entire life. But, they are damaging to relationships and must be guarded against.


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## SimplyAmorous

Mavash. said:


> I have all that and I've been married 21 years. Our marriage wasn't always so great but we've always been committed to making it better. And our problems had more to do with me than him. * He's a great guy who I've always adored. I was the one who messed it up. * It's all better now.


I was similar at one time.... I took my good husband for granted....putting our children before him/ in bed with us... somehow he still treated me amazing through it all.... probably why it didn't *shake me* *up* to realize he needed more from me.... he should have given me some lip service & let me know what for!! 

His only complaint was in the sexual ~ wanting a little more ~ the rest was still good. 

















Mr Blunt!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Yes, I have all of this and more. I'm one lucky wife! I don't think there are many men like my husband. We are extremely compatible too.


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## Kermitty

Thanks for all your responses. I have and will try my best to treat my husband as I would want to be treated. We actually had a therapy session today that went extremely well. Oddly enough, our relationship has been better than it has been in years since he found out about the affair. At least I feel better knowing that what I would like is not that unrealistic. It's easy to fall in a rut and think "oh this is just what marriage is supposed to be" and both of us were guilty of that. It's good to hear stories from people who sound truly happy and in love with their spouse.


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## teresa

I read a book and it advised to let go of the "wanting" because that is the source of our unhappiness, easier said than done, I know. I don't think your expectations are unrealistic. The other day I told a joke to my teenage daughter and she didn't find it funny, so I said to her, I am going to prove you that Ron is in love with me, I repeated the joke to my husband and he found it amusing!
That said, nobody is perfect and I can complain on other departments of my marriage, that's who I am, a complainer; I count my blessings when it comes to my husband and try to make things work, that's all we can do. Good luck.


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## teresa

BTW, do you offer the same to your husband? because if you do then you are fine.


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## Maneo

I think the responses that indicate the importance of reciprocal feelings, expectations and actions hit on the key to healthy, happy relationships.


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## Kermitty

I do offer what I want in return. Obviously some of the things I want, my husband doesn't and vice versa. We actually exchanged lists and his was quite different than mine. The core idea was the same and that was about feeling loved by the person you are with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

You and your husband might benefit from the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. It's all about being able to communicate your needs to each other and then each of you working to meet those needs.


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## Cosmos

Everything on your list is reasonable, IMO. It goes without saying, though, that this has to be a two way street, otherwise this ideal won't last very long.


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## Caribbean Man

Kermitty said:


> I do offer what I want in return. Obviously some of the things I want, my husband doesn't and vice versa. We actually exchanged lists and his was quite different than mine. The core idea was the same and that was about feeling loved by the person you are with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really do like your list, and I find it quite simple.
You have also factored in room for disappointment. Your expectations are quite moderate ,which I find to be very mature.
I was just wondering what did his list look like?
I ask this because you mentioned that you two exchanged lists.


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## Kermitty

I'm glad to hear you use the word mature since some of my recent actions have been less than mature. His list was a little more vague like he says he wants someone to trust, respect and adore him. His partner should be a positive influence to him and help him deal with the negative issues of life. The thing I'm trying to learn is how to show him those things or do those things for him. It seems easy enough but somehow it isn't otherwise I wouldn't be here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man

Kermitty said:


> I'm glad to hear you use the word mature since some of my recent actions have been less than mature. His list was a little more vague like he says he wants someone to trust, respect and adore him. His partner should be a positive influence to him and help him deal with the negative issues of life. The thing I'm trying to learn is how to show him those things or do those things for him. It seems easy enough but somehow it isn't otherwise I wouldn't be here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad you responded so soon.

You see, most men basically want to know that their wives have their backs.
What counts is support, emotional support and loyalty. These are the things that matters the most to men.At least they are what I expect from my wife.

With me, I like knowing that she understands exactly why I do what I do, and that its with her in mind that I do it.
It's one of the top ways express my love to her.
I work so that we could have a better future.
But I also work at meeting her emotional needs. 

This takes discipline on both sides.

Me knowing that there are things I must do in order for her to feel loved.
Her know that sometimes I might fall short, not because I am a selfish husband, but because I'm only human.

If you want to show your husband these things,what I suggest you do is complement him when things go right, try to support him and encourage him when things are difficult. Talk with him.

Keep the criticisms on the lower end of the scale
Let him know that you are proud to be with him.

Words are very important, use them wisely.


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## Kermitty

Well said. Words have hurt us both in the past. I would like nothing more than to support my husband and fulfill all his needs and desires. It's been hard in the past as I haven't understood why he has done certain things or behaved certain ways. He wasn't fulfilling any of my emotional needs and I certainly couldn't fulfill his at that point. We are working on all this now and things have been much better than before. My fear is that maybe he just isn't right for me and I made a mistake marrying him. Obviously that isn't something anyone can tell me the answer to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

Kermitty said:


> I've recently started questioning wether my unhappiness with my relationship has to do with my wanting something that isn't real. I know that marriage has its ups and downs. I know there will always be arguments and bickering but at the end of the day, shouldn't there be something special that keeps you together besides staying for the kids or just convincing yourself things are not that bad. For those who are happily married, I would love to hear your opinion on my list of what I would like from my husband. Be honest. I can take it
> 
> being married means I have my best friend with me for life.
> I look forward to seeing him after work.
> I miss him when he is gone.
> He can make me giggle.
> He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
> He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us.
> He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
> He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them.
> He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired.
> He finds me attractive and shows it.
> He puts up with my quirks for the most part.
> He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved.
> He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to.
> He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
> He helps me raise the kids.
> He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life.
> He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me.
> I can not imagine my life without him.


I've been happily married for going on 20 years. *I HOPE my wife thinks the things you listed about me*. So I'll be honest. In my opinion your barometer is right on.


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## Thundarr

If both respect and admire the other genuinely as people then everything on your list OP mostly just happens. I certainly don't think it's too much to ask to be with a man who is respectable and admirable and cherishes you. Of course respectful means he defends you and apologizes when he has failed at that and also who defends himself even from you on occasion.


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## Affaircare

Kermitty~

Before I reply, let me take a moment to tell you about myself. I'm not a young girl anymore--I'm 50yo and my Dear Hubby is 55yo. I was married to my first husband for 15 years and he cheated on me, and he decided to not end his unfaithful ways so we divorced. I've been married to my current Dear Hubby for almost a decade now, and he was a MUCH wiser, better match for me, but even knowing what I knew and learning what I learned, I still cheated on him about 4 years ago now. So I speak to you today as someone who's "older and wiser" and been through some stuff in my marriages. 

One of the things that strikes me about your list is that I think what you hope for is very realistic. I read your list to my Dear Hubby, and we agree that we have every single one of the things on your list. But the very next think that struck me, that I notice no one has touched upon, is that each one of the things on your list actually requires a commitment on YOUR part. For example, the very first one says you have your best friend with you for life. My guess is that you think of it in terms like "my husband is my best friends and treats me in a friendly way" or something like that...but even with your girlfriends or friends you've had since high school...being someone's "friend" requires that on your part, you are friendly toward them and you make the effort to stay in touch with them, care about them, talk to them (or write or call), share things together, enjoy things together, etc. Even with your lifelong friends, if you stopped being friendly toward them, sort of ignored them, and even went to the extent of nagging or complaining, eventually they would stop being your friend! So saying that "you have your best friend with you for life" sort of implies the requirement that you will be friendly toward him for life! There's an implied requirement for you.

The next one--"I look forward to seeing him after work." Well if he comes home at 5:30pm and the kids have been sheer hell and the house is a disaster and you are tired and frustrated, he could come home and be entirely nice to you, and you still might not look forward to him coming home to see this whirlwind!! My point here is that whether or not you look forward to seeing him is not (necessarily) about HIM. It's about you and sort of implies the requirement that before he comes home from work, you take the time to be ready, have yourself and the house ready, you are somewhat rested and in a positive state of mind, and you enjoy the thought that soon he'll be there and you'll be enjoying his company. There is an implied requirement for you. 

I could do that for most of your list:


> being married means I have my best friend with me for life.
> I look forward to seeing him after work.
> I miss him when he is gone.
> He can make me giggle.
> He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
> He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us.
> He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
> He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them.
> He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired.
> He finds me attractive and shows it.
> He puts up with my quirks for the most part.
> He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved.
> He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to.
> He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
> He helps me raise the kids.
> He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life.
> He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me.
> I can not imagine my life without him.


...but I think you get the drift. 

The reason I bring this up and think it's EXTREMELY important is that all too often, we married folks think marriage means "Now I have someone who will meet all my needs, who will do it easily and naturally, and they will make me feel <insert an emotion here...usually happy>." In reality that is actually backwards. In real life, marriage is about you and what you do and what choices you make, but it's not about "getting your needs met" and I think this is where people go off track. Marriage is when you stand up before your friends and family (and God if you believe that way) and you promise to spend your lifetime learning about YOUR SPOUSE and learning how to meet THEIR NEEDS. It's where you promise to forsake all others and keep your focus on learning your spouse so well, that you know them deeply and know their feelings and know their thoughts--that's intimacy! So if the idea with the list is like "these are the things I want and they aren't happening" then that means you're looking at it with you in the center...and in real life no spouse, no other person on the planet can "make you happy." THAT comes from within YOU. When you do things that you know are good, when you treat someone with loving kindness, when you are thoughtful and gentle, then inside you you'll "be happy" because you are being the kind of person you want to be and can be! If you are not doing those things, and you are looking to others to "make you feel" something, you'll always be disappointed. 

Finally, you mention there was an affair and you wonder if maybe your husband isn't "the one for you." Kermitty, there is no "one perfect person for you." If you looked at all the men in the whole wide world, guy #1 would have X positive and Y negative trait...guy #2 would have Y positive and Z negative trait...guy #3 would have Z positive and X negative trait. The point of marriage is not to find the one guy who perfectly meets all your needs without effort, because that guy doesn't exist. The point of marriage is that both people come into it imperfect, and whether you pick guy #1, guy #2, or guy #3 you made a commitment to that one person, and now in the marriage he will grow as a man and use his positive trait and learn how to let go of and lose the negative trait. The point of marriage is a place where the two of you can accept each other for the imperfect people you are and teach each other to be better people. Now, some personalities get along better and it's easier to understand--but even complete opposites can still choose to stay committed and learn to understand each other better. For example my first husband was an ESTJ and I'm an INFP. I had a REALLY HARD TIME understanding how he thought but it was good for me to learn how others think and feel. Now my Dear Hubby is an INTP an I "get" him a lot better...he makes more sense to me and the way I think is a lot closer to the way he thinks. We get along better! But the whole point of the thing is for me to learn things about me that I need to change and do better and do differently and grow in maturity into the woman I want to be. 

Does that make sense?


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## dallasapple

I think your list is a GREAT goal ! But maybe unrealistic he wont fail on 1-5 of those a day..

Make a list of the ones he succeeds at every day.Scratch off having a best friend that is too general and the others mentioned are under best friend.Try to relax and enjoy...


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## dallasapple

Also many of the things on your list are what YOU provide /contribute.


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## dallasapple

Oh I've been married 25 years in June been together 30..Sometimes I still sit in his lap LOL!!! I don't get anywhere near whats on your list..Probably he doesn't either..But we possibly now could be doing better than some only married 3 years...We don't discuss divorce and I'm not dreaming of other men that would be my dream man for sure..


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## Thundarr

dallasapple said:


> I think your list is a GREAT goal ! But maybe unrealistic he wont fail on 1-5 of those a day..


If you don't mind DA, what did you find unrealistic. Her list seemed reasonable to me. I didn't see anything demanding perfection.


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## dallasapple

Thundarr said:


> If you don't mind DA, what did you find unrealistic. Her list seemed reasonable to me. I didn't see anything demanding perfection.


More all of it combined.. at the same time everyday...


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## Kermitty

I certainly don't expect all the things on my list all the time. I know there are bad days. In general though, I should feel all of them at some point or atleast I would like to. From what people are saying, it's not that unrealistic so that is a relief. 
I am definitely willing to do all of those and more for my husband. I understand it is an even exchange and maybe not even all the time but in the end, you both try to make each other happy and want to be together. 
Thank you Affaircare for sharing all that with me. 
I suppose I may be numb right now from everything that has happened in the last couple of years and I just need to time to fall in love with my husband again or maybe fall in love with him for the first time. I know he is a good person and a good father and no body out there is perfect. I don't want to get divorced and break up my son's family. I don't think it's fair though for either of us to be with someone who doesn't truly love and appreciate us. 
I am seeing a therapist so maybe she will help me figure out if I am just over thinking things and I should just wait and see or what my deal is. We are also seeing a marriage therapist together to deal with the affair but that seems to be going extremely well. 
I hope one day I can be one of those who says, "I love my husband and can't imagine it any other way."


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## Caribbean Man

Wow,
Hope you two get through your struggles.
You do sound genuine , and you really want it to work.
Everything takes time.


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## Wiserforit

Kermitty said:


> I suppose I may be numb right now from everything that has happened in the last couple of years and I just need to time to fall in love with my husband again or maybe fall in love with him for the first time.



Writing a list of things you want in a spouse before you have ever met them is a completely different issue from writing out a list you want from someone who you have been married to for years and you have specific issues the two of you need to work out.

If you are really wondering about falling in love with him again then I would actually back up a bit and start from some fundamentals like country boy vs citified, homebody vs dance hall star, quiet vs animated, etc. because if you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole here there isn't much point in the list you wrote. You may find that your priorities are different now, and you may find that this guy actually has a lot more going for him than what you think in the wake of an affair. 

If a guy has all the stuff you want on the master list then everything else tends to fall into place automatically. If I had a stunning girl who knocked herself out for me but she was always dressing up with make-up and high heels wanting to go to plays and other wretched stuff I'd be puking.


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## Kermitty

Well we all change somewhat throughout our lives. I have certainly learned more about myself and my priorities have changed slightly since meeting him. I just hope he can embrace who I am now and I can love him for who he is. I do genuinely want it to work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WillPrez

We are both very happy with our marriage life..no any problem between us, our understanding of each other is very good, we solve any problems to talking with others.


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## Mike6211

Affaircare said:


> ... all too often, we married folks think marriage means "Now I have someone who will meet all my needs, who will do it easily and naturally, and they will make me feel <insert an emotion here...usually happy>." In reality that is actually backwards. In real life, marriage is about you and what you do and what choices you make, but it's not about "getting your needs met"


OK so far with the reality-check.



Affaircare said:


> ... you promise to spend your lifetime learning about YOUR SPOUSE and learning how to meet THEIR NEEDS. It's where you promise to forsake all others ...


in a sexual/ intimate-emotionally-bonded sense



Affaircare said:


> and keep your focus on learning your spouse...


ditto. And why do I make this point? Simply because it's a very tall order to expect any one person to meet all your needs. The commitment to the marriage - the sexual/ intimate-bonded commitment - means that those needs are for the marriage, the marriage is the arena in which they play out and the crucible in which they are worked on if they're not being met. But IMO spouses who don't encourage each other to maintain their separate friendships (of the same gender!) and separate interests, in addition to their mutual friends and mutual interests, are cutting off a source of external nourishment for each other and that won't be good for the marriage long-term.

Talking about friendship, the first point on the OP list is 'best friend for life'. Spouse as best friend? I have my doubts. This may be no more than semantics, if 'friend' is a synonym for 'the person I know who is most important to me/ who I like most/ who I can relax most with/ who knows me best'. But friendship is IMO a particular quality of relationship separate from spouse-ship. It has always made me cringe when a young woman describes her mother as her 'best friend'; my reaction is that it isn't healthy, that a mother should be a mother to her daughter and the mother should not encroach on the arena of 'friendship' in her daughter's life nor allow herself to be 'seduced' by the daughter into filling the friendship-function in her daughter's life if her daughter is finding it hard to make good friends of her own. And I think the same applies in marriage. You made the point, Affaircare, that "no other person on the planet can 'make you happy'. THAT comes from within YOU" and you're right in that, of course. But it actually goes deeper than that, much deeper. I think that some people seek to escape the existential angst* that is the common lot of humanity (conscious or unconscious) by a seeking a joined-at-the-hip marriage where the two spouses are so wrapped up in each other that they lose themselves in each other, they are Fully Understood by their partner and their lives finally have True Meaning. Such people would not like the words of the poet Rilke: "I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other." In other words, at root, whether we like it or not, we're alone (as in, 'separate individuals') in this world, from cradle to grave.



Affaircare said:


> ... so well, that you know them deeply and know their feelings and know their thoughts...


Careful here. Yes, over the course of a marriage you *do* get to know your spouse deeply and you *do* get to know how they tend to think and feel, what channels they fall naturally into so to speak. But you *don't* and *can't* know what their actual thoughts are. It seems to be a fantasy of some women that their H should know them so well that he knows what she wants without having to be told, even that he'll know what she wants even if she herself doesn't - "Prince Charming syndrome". Nothing wrong with fantasy, but if the wife feels that the marriage can't be considered good, or even satisfactory, if the fantasy isn't actualised, then there is a problem - back to my point above, that we're separate individuals in this life, whether we like it or not.

* I have just glanced at our cat, aged 18. Probably not much longer for this world, but not self-aware, so no concept of her impending demise ... I envy her.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

None of my expectations about relationships are realistic. It's nice to have ideals, but it's better to be happy.


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## Kermitty

I understand not looking to someone else to be happy. I believe I am a happy person. I also believe my spouse should add to my happiness, not be a source of unhappiness. Sexual and emotional intimacy are what I believe is the difference between friends and spouses. How many couples are happy when one person isn't sexually satisfied? You can do your best to meet your partners needs, but if your needs still aren't being met, you can't be expected to just suck it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

Kermitty said:


> I understand not looking to someone else to be happy. I believe I am a happy person. I also believe my spouse should add to my happiness, not be a source of unhappiness. Sexual and emotional intimacy are what I believe is the difference between friends and spouses. How many couples are happy when one person isn't sexually satisfied? You can do your best to meet your partners needs, but if your needs still aren't being met, you can't be expected to just suck it up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again, I don't think you're asking for too much. I think anything less than wanting a partner to make you happier but not create your personal happiness would be settling.


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## Caribbean Man

Kermitty said:


> I understand not looking to someone else to be happy. I believe I am a happy person. I also believe my spouse should add to my happiness, not be a source of unhappiness. Sexual and emotional intimacy are what I believe is the difference between friends and spouses. How many couples are happy when one person isn't sexually satisfied? You can do your best to meet your partners needs, but if your needs still aren't being met, you can't be expected to just suck it up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While you should not look to your partner as the main source of your happiness, and you should be happy of yourself,You happiness should be an integral part of the marriage mission.
The first duty of you to your partner is their happiness. The first duty of our partner to you is your happiness.

That is the main reason we try to meet each other's needs.
Therin lies happiness and marital bliss.
Sexual and emotional intimacy is second to that.


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## Thundarr

Threetimesalady, you should post more often and let it be known is many of them that you're at 54 years in a happy marriage. Youth speaking to youth can often be blind leading the blind.


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## Kermitty

Thank you threetimesalady. Everything you said completely resonated with me. I find my self saying, "this can't be all there is" and your words have proven that people do have what I yearn to feel. I will be patient and do what I can to nurture live and happiness in my husbands life and I will hope that in time we will have a connection that is rewarding and I can not dream of being without. Thank you to everyone else who understands how I feel and has offered their support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 45188

Kermitty said:


> I've recently started questioning wether my unhappiness with my relationship has to do with my wanting something that isn't real. I know that marriage has its ups and downs. I know there will always be arguments and bickering but at the end of the day, shouldn't there be something special that keeps you together besides staying for the kids or just convincing yourself things are not that bad. For those who are happily married, I would love to hear your opinion on my list of what I would like from my husband. Be honest. I can take it
> 
> being married means I have my best friend with me for life.
> I look forward to seeing him after work.
> I miss him when he is gone.
> He can make me giggle.
> He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
> He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us.
> He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
> He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them.
> He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired.
> He finds me attractive and shows it.
> He puts up with my quirks for the most part.
> He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved.
> He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to.
> He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
> He helps me raise the kids.
> He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life.
> He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me.
> I can not imagine my life without him.



Add on

He doesnt watch porn
Doesnt check out other women
Doesnt fantasize about other women

And you have the perfect man!


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## Caribbean Man

kipani said:


> Add on
> 
> He doesnt watch porn
> Doesnt check out other women
> Doesnt fantasize about other women
> 
> And you have the perfect man!


* Hello Kipani! *


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## TCSRedhead

These are reasonable but if you expect these 100% of the time, it may be disappointing during the bad times if he lets you down on one or two (or you let him down). 

What's most important is to have a line of open, honest and CLEAR communication where you can both discuss what you want/need and how you're both measuring up. If you can do that, you'll be able to sustain a happy marriage even during that hard times.


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## Kermitty

I think what I'm looking for is connection, both physical and mental. I'm not feeling anything more for my husband than I do for my friends or my brother. I thought maybe my expectations were too high but now I believe if is more complicated than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man

Kermitty said:


> .* I'm not feeling anything more for my husband than I do for my friends or my brother.*


Then the next question would be why?
How many years have both of you been married?
[ Forgive me if you mentioned it earlier in your post.]


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## Kermitty

Caribbean Man said:


> Then the next question would be why?
> How many years have both of you been married?
> [ Forgive me if you mentioned it earlier in your post.]


Married 5 years. Together 8.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

These are questions that answer a lot. Apart from what he's already doing.

- What things does he need to do or be to make you proud to be on his arm?
- What things does he need to do or be to make you feel like he's proud to be with you?


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## Kermitty

I'm not sure what he needs to do. Well he gave me a list of things that if I do will make him feel loved. I do several every day. I believe he lives me and is attracted to me. It makes me feel even worse and extremely guilty for not being able to reciprocate. I'm trying to give it time but I'm worried nonetheless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

Kermitty said:


> I'm not sure what he needs to do. Well he gave me a list of things that if I do will make him feel loved. I do several every day. I believe he lives me and is attracted to me. It makes me feel even worse and extremely guilty for not being able to reciprocate. I'm trying to give it time but I'm worried nonetheless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll just shoot from the hip and guess. Maybe he should focus on self confidence and self respect. On the fact that he owns his actions and thoughts and that hell be ok without you but better with you. And he can't make you love him. It's up to him to be comfortable with himself and let your love reappear if it will. Disrespect on the other hand is something he should never accept from anyone. He should not let fear of losing you make him act emotionally weak.

If none of this hits home then my hip shot was off


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## Kermitty

That makes sense. That's not something I can tell him though. It is just going to be a wait and see situation while we continue therapy. Thanks for trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man

Kermitty said:


> That makes sense. That's not something I can tell him though. It is just going to be a wait and see situation while we continue therapy.


Why do you think that you can't tell him what you feel?
Is it that the channel for open communications are clogged?
If so , then do you think communication is part of the problem?


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## Kermitty

It came out in therapy that I do not love him like a husband. He was really hurt. He is trying to understand and be patient. I don't see how telling him how I feel will help. This is my own issue. He can't do anything except be himself and if that's not enough, that isn't his fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

Kermitty said:


> It came out in therapy that I do not love him like a husband. He was really hurt. He is trying to understand and be patient. I don't see how telling him how I feel will help. This is my own issue. He can't do anything except be himself and if that's not enough, that isn't his fault.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This dynamic is a standard script. Knowing you don't love him is exactly what will make him insecure and clingy and will make it worse. It's never a singles person's issue. He can indeed be better if he grasp what he's doing wrong because most of it's a state of mind. That's why sometimes you have to live to look back and see the mistakes. If he doesn't know what you find unattractive (and believe me insecurity and clinging will be unattractive) then the deck is stacked against him.


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## Caribbean Man

Thundarr said:


> * It's never a singles person's issue. He can indeed be better if he grasp what he's doing wrong because most of it's a state of mind. *
> :iagree:
> 
> Because he is in the dark about the how and whys of your true feelings , he will become even more insecure. This has to be fixed together IMO and only open , honest communication can help it.
> There must have been a time when both of you were able to express yourselves freely.
> Think back.


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## Nicky2323

Kermitty,
Thank you for this post. I feel the same way you do. I think a happy marriage is all of those things. If you are not getting at least half of what's on your list, there is strain on the relationship. I am speaking from experience. I am in a marriage that feels like a business arrangement. Even though I've gone to my husband on the issues that bother me the most, there is no change or desire to change. I understand that marriage is a compromise. I think it is fare to say that you won't get everything single thing you want. It does help if your husband acknowledges a problem and is willing to work on things for the better. Best of luck to you.


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## Kermitty

Im worried honest communication will damage his fragile ego. I know things cant continue this way so I may just have to let it out and deal with the damage.thanks for all your advice and support.


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## goodwife4

i would like these things ...... i dream of it one day


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