# Desperation Has Arrived



## HelpMePlease1969 (Apr 27, 2011)

New to this forum. Thanks in advance for any thoughts or suggestions, because I am at a complete loss. 

My situation is that I am married to a woman with anger issues, and that may be the least of my concerns. My wife becomes angry at virtually any disagreement. She kicks things. She throws things. She uses terrible language. Before we had children it was worse, however now, with a 5 year old and a 1 year old, these adult fits continue. 

The woman has our 5 year old going to sleep at 4-5pm and getting up at 11pm or earlier. She refuses to adjust the child's schedule, and school will be starting soon. She sleeps in a recliner with both of our kids and, after she gets them up at 11pm at night she takes them to the master bedroom and locks the door. Now, I have always knocked and most of the time she will let me in, however she has recently installed a child door knob because my daughter has started to lock HER out. Since the door can now be unlocked from the outside, my wife has installed a separate dead bolt lock to prevent me from unlocking the door from the outside, which, by the way, I have never done in the first place.

I am not concerned, necessarily with the safety of my kids, however I am concerned with their mother locking me out. My daughter and I never really bonded properly because her mother would not let me carry her or interact with her unsupervised. This has been the case with other family members as well, on both sides. She is now doing the same with our son. 

I have done all in know to do to keep the peace and prevent a divorce because I fear this woman will do all she can do to restrict or even to prevent me from seeing my kids, and heaven only knows what she might tell them about me. I desperately want a relationship with my children and would love to right things with my wife, but she refuses to have an open and honest discussion with me and also refuses to go to counseling. 

What in the world, short of divorce, can someone in my situation do?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Whoa. 

Your wife is abusive. Not only is she abusive, she is setting a bad example for your kids, and bullying you. 

I'm not surprised she won't go to counselling. People like her rarely do because they don't think they have a problem.

If she won't meet you halfway and you have asked her to stop her behaviors, you need to decide whether you want to tolerate a "marriage" like this. Where you fear saying hte wrong thing to her, don't get to see your kids cause they're locked behind a deadbolt and she throws/kicks/gets angry/has verbal tires and etc.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

HelpMe,

You sound like a really nice guy.

While it sounds like your wife has issues, I'll bet you can recognize yourself in the links below:

Read them all. It will give you some good ideas about personal boundaries as they relate to emotional abuse.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## HelpMePlease1969 (Apr 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Whoa.
> 
> Your wife is abusive. Not only is she abusive, she is setting a bad example for your kids, and bullying you.
> 
> ...


Last year, when our son was born, her sister came out here to help. She observed my wife taking our daughter to the master bedroom and staying up there all the time. Things even got snippy between them. On a trip with her sister to the grocery store, just the two of us, I elaborated some on the anger issues and said if not for the kids I would have divorced here a long time ago. Her sister told me to stay with her and do the best I could because if I divorced her she would likely do everything she could do to keep me from my kids. 

My wife didn't have good parents, but even her brother and sister don't remember some of the horror stories my wife tells. She sued for her own custody when she was 16. I just don't know what to do. Pushing the issue at all, even trying to have a civil conversation with her about my issues related to spending time with my children, are always met with hostility. She throws a one of her adult fits and puts the kids in the car and threatens to leave. 

I don't want to put my kids through this, but I want a relationship with them. I am a grown man in tears over the whole thing and I just don't know what on earth I can do.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I think you need to install a nanny cam or something. One in the master and one where she generally throws her tantrums.

That is just a thought.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You shouldn't feel afraid to talk to your wife about hanging out with your kids when you are MARRIED and living in the same house. That is your right as a father.

Emotionally abusive people are very very sick.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

notaname said:


> I think you need to install a nanny cam or something. One in the master and one where she generally throws her tantrums.
> 
> That is just a thought.


I agree.

My initial assumption was that she was sexually abused as a child and is trying to keep her children from the same fate. It's hard to trust men after something like that. She definitely needs IC. The problem is she's likely scared to leave you alone with the children. Do you ever watch them on your own? If so, there might be a chance to get her in.

There are people who continue the cycle, however. That's why I think the nanny cam is a good idea. I know you don't want to believe she's capable, but the possibility is there. 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Ok, I'm also wondering what weekends are like. This is totally not right.

When you get home from work you should wake up your kids and play with them and feed them dinner or a snack if they have a really early dinner. She can stay asleep while you get your kiddo time.

Your kids need you to stand up for your relationship with them. This is so sad.


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## HelpMePlease1969 (Apr 27, 2011)

She claims she was abused by her father, however she was not. Her sister, who was adopted, was. I am extremely careful because I fear she will accuse me of some horrible things. I have no doubt my wife is indeed sick, and I believe her resistance to counseling is because she knows darn well she will have to confront her issues and will probably have to adjust her desire to keep me from my kids.

To answer the question, no, she never leaves me alone with them. Although she told me I was going to have to be 'more involved' when our son was born because he would need a male influence. My response, after I collected myself, was complete bewilderment. She prevented me from being involved with our daughter, and she is doing the same thing with our son. I'd like to have her committed, but I don't think that's an option...seriously.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think you need to be pro-active, install hidden cameras, start gathering evidence, keep a record /journal of her actions, all in preparation to fight for your kids when you divorce. 

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully « A Shrink for Men


Video Surveillance – Are Hidden Cameras Legal?


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

wow....i agree with some of the pp's....install a nanny cam.....because honestly...one day u are going to have enough....and women like that won't change....in my opinion anyway....get the nanny cam....never tell her anything about it...when u two end up in court over custody of the kiddos....pop that sucker out....u will be a very miserable man if u stay in that situation.....good luck....


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## HelpMePlease1969 (Apr 27, 2011)

notaname said:


> Ok, I'm also wondering what weekends are like. This is totally not right.
> 
> When you get home from work you should wake up your kids and play with them and feed them dinner or a snack if they have a really early dinner. She can stay asleep while you get your kiddo time.
> 
> Your kids need you to stand up for your relationship with them. This is so sad.


On the weekends, she takes them into the master bedroom and takes anywhere from 4 to 6 hours to 'get them ready'. We then leave the house together and go to the mall or to eat. I asked to carry my daughter and now ask to carry my son, however she keep him in a sling as she did our daughter and says no because they might need to breast feed. If I put my foot down, the adult fit is thrown, in front of the kids. This is why I just let it go as best I can, because I don't want them to see us argue. There is no talking to her. I end up with 2-4 hours of 'time' with my kids, but it's never one-on-one. I never get to 'play' with them. Going to the park, which I have suggested many times, is a "weekday thing' according to my wife.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

I am amazed at how much you have put up with. My wife keeping ME from MY children? WTF? Uh, no, I don't think so. Not today, not ever. Will not happen. 

Why you have let this get this far is truly puzzling. Consult with a lawyer is my advice. You ARE their biological father aren't you? Then take your kids back. Take them outside alone, play with them alone...be a father to them. Fight the fight now and from now on.

"I ASK to carry my daughter and now my son?" What?!! Man, you have some serious work to do. Call a lawyer. call child/family protective services and speak to a social worker. You need to mediate this before you divorce. If I were you I would gather as much evidence as possible about the abuse and the denial to access to your children before I filed.


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## HelpMePlease1969 (Apr 27, 2011)

luckyman said:


> I am amazed at how much you have put up with. My wife keeping ME from MY children? WTF? Uh, no, I don't think so. Not today, not ever. Will not happen.
> 
> Why you have let this get this far is truly puzzling. Consult with a lawyer is my advice. You ARE their biological father aren't you? Then take your kids back. Take them outside alone, play with them alone...be a father to them. Fight the fight now and from now on.
> 
> "I ASK to carry my daughter and now my son?" What?!! Man, you have some serious work to do. Call a lawyer. call child/family protective services and speak to a social worker. You need to mediate this before you divorce. If I were you I would gather as much evidence as possible about the abuse and the denial to access to your children before I filed.


I've tolerated things because it gets so unbearably bad in front of the kids. I know I've been told and certainly I've heard that it's best to just get a divorce, but my daughter, as you might imagine, is attached to my wife, and I have no doubt when I instigate the process I will be viewed in a negative way, and frankly I'm concerned what my wife may have already fed my daughter. The woman is well capable of lying and not losing a bit of sleep over it. This is what her sister was warning me about. This is exactly what their mother did. It seems much easier to say get a lawyer than it actually will be. I just don't know what to do...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What are the things you DO like about your wife?

From what you posted she sounds awful to live with.

You are undoubtedly in an abusive marriage. I am going to link you some things so you can look at them. The worst part is your children are seeing this and probably think this relationship dynamic and environment you have with your wife is totally normal. Or they will grow up thinking it is. 

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

Emotional Abuse Quiz

Verbal Abuse

http://mensnewsdaily.com/2010/04/29...-woman-you-cannot-reason-with-a-crazy-person/


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## HelpMePlease1969 (Apr 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What are the things you DO like about your wife?
> 
> From what you posted she sounds awful to live with.
> 
> ...


I have to be honest. I don't much at all about her anymore. When it was just the two of us, well, I could cope. Now there are kids involved and her obsessive control over them is ugly. It's really ugly and if there are positives I am not able to see them right now. 

I do my best to keep quiet so the kids don't see all the drama, and I do a pretty good job for the most part, but I am finding myself increasingly unwilling to 'just keep my mouth shut', but I am worried about what could unwind as a result of me pushing this issue to a place I know it needs to go for my sake, and likely my kid's sake too. My wife is completely capable of horrible lies and manipulation, and I have no doubt she'll do everything she can to make me out to be something that justifies her actions. 

Even this type of conversation is better than nothing, and it's the most I've been able to communicate about the problems...ever. I'm considering going to counseling alone. I just don't know what else to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Living in fear is no way to live. 

Read what I linked you and tell me what you think afterwards. 

IC is definitely a good idea. Talking abuot it with someone is immensely helpful.

I was married to someone who was an emotional abuser. It's no picnic. It literally makes you feel like you're going crazy.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you divorce and you have documentation as to what she is doing you can get full custody of the kids. Look up the laws for psychiatric commitment. Your children should not grow up with her influence, they will be severely maladjusted. 

For the sake of your children please take responsibility for this situation. Your kids need to be rescued. Ask yourself, who is the adult in this situation? who is in charge? who is advocating for your children?


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## HelpMePlease1969 (Apr 27, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> If you divorce and you have documentation as to what she is doing you can get full custody of the kids. Look up the laws for psychiatric commitment. Your children should not grow up with her influence, they will be severely maladjusted.
> 
> For the sake of your children please take responsibility for this situation. Your kids need to be rescued. Ask yourself, who is the adult in this situation? who is in charge? who is advocating for your children?


Can you tell me - and I know it's different from state to state - what constitutes documentation. I have started keeping a journal, and I have a picture of the dead bolt she installed on the master bedroom door.


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