# Outsider opinions



## jeep (Feb 5, 2010)

I would like some outsider opinions on this relationship. Thanks!

We have been married for 5 years. There have been no problems until the last year or so. We bought a house together 3 years ago. We have no children. 

The issue: It seems that I assume more and more responsibilities and get less and less appreciation and respect. My husband and I both work. I pay everything that we owe (mortgage, insurance, utilities, car payment..etc) the only thing he is responsible for is his personal debts.. which is not a great amount. I clean the house, he will occasionally wash HIS laundry.. but nothing of mine. He doesn't pick up after himself because he says its not his job. He procrastinates about EVERYTHING. He never wants to do anything outside of our home unless it is for his benefit. When I confront him, he says, "I'm not having this conversation with you!" When I ask him to help me do something, he says, "NO! I don't want to!"
He has started saying really negative things about my family.. I think he does this just to start a fight. Before we got married, we were both in agreement that family is everything, and no matter what our opinion was of the in-laws, we would hold our tongue. 

I am not trying to paint you a portrait of an angelic wife and demonic husband. But I can tell you that I have never lied to, cheated on, or given him any reason to justify his actions. I love him. If I didn't love him, I would not have married him. On numerous occasions I have asked him if he was happy... his answer is always yes. I had thought that maybe he was just acting this way because he was tired of me or bored with our marriage. Now, I'm starting to wonder if he is trying to force me to leave him so that it will look like everything is my fault. I have also told him that if we get a divorce, he can have everything. I refuse to fight with him for months or years over any material things because they can all be replaced. 

So.. can someone please tell me your take on this whole situation? Is there something more that I can do to salvage our marriage? I consider myself a very strong willed person. But , honestly, this is really getting to me.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

To me, marriage is a 50/50 proposition-you get out of it what you put into it, and from what I've read, it seems as though you are putting more into it than he is.
I think you two need to have a serious talk about this. If you don't, things will just fester and get worse until you blow up and give up on your marriage, and I don't think that's what you want.
Best of luck to you-your marriage and your sanity are bot worth it.


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## magic52 (Feb 5, 2010)

There is hardly any way I can give advise because I am in such a messed up relationship right now. But prior to this one I was with a man for over 20 years. I would say both need to give 100% into it, talk this over with him before it gets worse. If you are young and he continues maybe think it through, because we don't deserve to be in unhappy relationships because life is too short.


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## iWonder (Jan 2, 2010)

There is a change going on with him and I have seen it before. I don't know if I can give you advice on the 'love' side of things.

But, start protecting yourself financially. He is on a path to being a free-loader and by the time you separate (IF you separate) you will be financially overburden making it difficult to recover. You will have to start getting some of the mortage, car payments etc. from him.

'Dear Abby's' column would often use a line something like 'nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them'. Seems right, and fitting of your situation.

I don't think this will correct itself, you are going to have to force the issue in some way. Do it before you are too deep to recover.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a little book called The Dance of Anger, that will help you learn how to stop being the Giver. It won't fix your marriage, but it will help you learn that you don't have to keep giving all the time. Give you courage. 

You can also start setting little boundaries for yourself. For instance, if you pay all the bills, politely tell your husband that you will no longer pay for his beer, cigarettes, cokes...whatever HE wants that you don't care if you have. That's a small way to break free of your guilt trip; he can pay for whatever he wants. Let him. He's an adult.

Another step you can take is to stop doing 'for' him. My husband was the same way. My therapist told me to tell him that I needed him to help me by taking just ONE thing off my plate, ONE thing that I wouldn't have to worry about getting done. He refused. So I thought about it, and decided I would no longer do his laundry. Whe he finally wore through all his clothes, he turned on me, yelling, asking what the h&ll I thought I was doing, by not getting him clean clothes. I just shrugged and said, "Well, you said you couldn't or wouldn't help me at all by doing even one chore, so something had to give, since I was doing everything. I chose to give up something that didn't affect me." First, he denied we ever had that conversation, but I didn't let him get away with that. That very day, he got up off the couch and fixed something that had been broken for months. So I washed his underwear. Then he did something else. So I washed some shirts. He got the message.


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