# Can I help/teach my husband "how to love"?



## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

I love my husband, needless to say. We've been married a year and a half. Me 26, him 28. 10 months old baby girl  

We are totally opposites and still we get along pretty well 

Thing here... I'd like to know if anyone knows if I can do something to show him how to love the right way... 

Why?

A little bit of story...

-His father is an abusive and treated pretty bad her mom in front os him and his little brothers. I don't think he had the nicest childhood  They separated whe he was like 12 and his mom moved to another state. Then, hubby decided to come back to live with granparents. He didn't have any goverment, so he started living pretty fast very young. Around 6 years later his grandma dies, and 2 years later his grandfather... So, despite of beaing in touch with his father, he always was in trouble, was an alcoholic before 18, didn't finish studies, did drugs, a lot of women... etc...!!!

Yes, I met him when he was 23 and he was all that without me know it. Because we had a "sporadic" relationship. We did the 12 steps program and he stopped drinking. He became more like "well behaved"... I started falling in love with "my new man". Yes, I am codependent and still working on it.

Is it possible, all things he passed before had made him as cold as he is? He never shows his feelings. No words. No hugs. No kisses. (Sure he can do it when he is looking after something he wants, i.e. going out with friends or back when i found out he wanted to have an affair when I was pregnant)...

There is so much toruble in here, I know...

But I am looking for some way to make him want to be only with his wife and his daughter. I want to teach him how to be more affectionate, caring, loving.

Can that be possible?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You can't teach anyone anything that they themselves don't wish to learn.

So my answer is no you can't.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Venusina said:


> But I am looking for some way to make him want to be only with his wife and his daughter. I want to teach him how to be more affectionate, caring, loving.
> 
> Can that be possible?


You can't make him anything but you can certainly model the behavior you would like him to pick up. You can also make you desires know by lovingly and clearly telling him that you want warmth and you want companionship and you want affection and you don't think these are unreasonable things to ask from your marriage partner


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Influencing people's behavior in the direction we want is a very difficult task. Think about it, if you or I had the type of skills to influence others in the direction we want we would likely be very rich. 

In your specific situation the key difficulty would be the man's emotions. As most men define themselves by their skill and competence they tend to be very sensitive and defensive about anything that appears to question that. Be it sexual performance or the ability to meet a partner's emotional needs any attempt to teach is likely to be interpreted as a sign of inadequacy. 

Ironically both men and women usually need information on how to build a healthy relationship, the key skills there are not instinctive. Either you observe and model them from loving parents or you learn them. 

Ideally he would be receptive and constructive to talking about these issues. Chances are though he may be very defensive. 

Firstly please keep in mind that you cannot change other people directly. He needs to be open and want to do it.

Secondly the best chance of success is a very tactful approach. I strongly suggest that you get informed and practiced in diplomatic communication before you engage him. Materials like Dale Carnegie - How to win friends and influence people are a good place to start on that. Also you would do well to be proficient and practiced in the common differences in communication between men and women for this I would recommend John Gray - Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I think some intense therapy could be of great use to him.


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

We have a really huge communication problem. Whenever I want to have a conversation about anay issuea he says all I do is complain about the same always (even if that's not true). He never wants to listen, worse if I ask to hear something come out of his mouth... It depresses me but I don't blame him because no one ever showed how a marriage/couple should work, or any kind of love at all. I have hopes in him because I've seen some effort like staying sober for 2 years and being patient with our daughter. He can kisses her and plays with her and stuff. But, with me it's not that easy. He used to do it back when we were dating. But I think now that we live together and are married he just doesn't think cuddling and being romantic is important anymore. 

I tend to think a lot that happens because he does not love me.

I want to think it's because he deson't think its necessary to act as if we werer dating anymore... But I need hugs and kisses and all that romantic stuff and I have told him but he just seems deaf...

That's why I am wondering if there's something I can do to make him fall in love again, or "wake up" or see me as he did before we got married


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Right,

it is quite likely that your husband thinks he is showing his love for you chiefly by providing for the family. This is instinctive behavior, he deeply feels that that is his role and by doing it it is enough. You are right in noticing that romance, hugs and kisses are very low on his priority list. 

His natural focus is not there and unless a man has grown up and seen his father do it he needs to learn how to consistently show love through romance as well.

You are certainly not alone in your situation. As mentioned in my first post his tendency when you try to discuss the issues is to feel attacked and get defensive. Tactful and diplomatic communication deals with getting things across to him while avoiding his ego. 

Please keep in mind that usually when you raise the topic even if you make an effort to stay calm you are already well upset by it. A common expectancy in women is for the man to somehow instinctively and willfully do romance without being told, most women feel that if they need to tell him it does not count. As such when they do speak they are already quit upset and the negativity is felt. This starts a cycle of him feeling attacked and getting defensive.

In short, yes there are things you can do to address the situation. It's not a quick fix but a diligent informed effort to develop new habits of communication.

It would start with the realization and acceptance of the natural differences between your partner and you. Once you see his behavior as in the realm of normalcy which it is you can decouple the absence of romance as a lack of love on his side, it most likely is not. With that you have the proper emotional stance to communicate since the negative energy is diffused.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this. I don't believe you can change people. You have to accept them as they are or move on.


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