# Bad Attitude - Constant Nagging - Feeling trapped



## 3kgtmitsu

So my wife of 4 years and I have been going through a lot of rough patches. We have 2 kids and another on the way. I would normally want to be exited about this, but in the last couple years her attitude has just went down the toilet and I find myself really regretting that I gave into her constantly pushing for another kid.

Everything is always my fault, she is always complaining about something, no matter how trivial the matter is. She has went so far as to telling her 'victim' sob stories to her family and of course they take her side, but they don't even know the half of it, im just completely done with her attitude and I am left wishing we didn't have a little one on the way so I would feel less guilty about wanting out.

Heres the thing, our relationship basically consists of her complaining. Its usually about cleaning, for someone who verbally obsesses over cleaning all the time she sure doesn't do much of it. She accuses me of doing nothing around the house, which quite the opposite is true. That's what infuriates me the most about her, she twists the truth around so she seems like the innocent one. She truly believes anything that is wrong is someone elses fault, and she is beyond reproach. She just goes on and on about stuff nonstop, there is no satisfying her, if you try to make her happy she just increases the amount of complaining she does. Its gotten to the point where I finally wind up just flipping out because she will not shut up about it. Of course I'm the bad guy, nothing I ever do is right. Poor little victim woman.

From what she says, our house must be totally trashed, and no one caring at all about anything, but our house may not be perfect but its far from a mess. I would gladly post pictures of it at its worst on here and let you all be the judge. Its just a series of mountains being made out of mole hills.

Its just non stop negativity, something is always wrong, with her, or the house, or something.

I just cant see how anyone could possibly deal with this for life, and that's the way I am looking at it now. She never wants to accept blame for anything without taking someone down with her. Its to the point of being psychotic.

Its to the point it has killed any positive feelings I have towards her. She has no real reason to be unhappy about herself or life situation, shes in shape, has a good job, house, kids the whole 9 yards. She spent the first 4 years of marriage in school, being supported by me, in the mean time we have had basically no life, no dates, even when times are good I feel like I have been just an afterthought.

She does have a history of a lot of failed relationships and marriage where the pattern seems to be the same, where its all 'His' fault. 

I do not believe to be perfect in any way, infact her constant belittlement has really damaged my sense of self so if anything im more self loathing because of her. I feel like the expectations are just impossible, I have to be 100% perfect, and then she MIGHT be happy for a moment.

I wish counseling could fix this, but she just views ME as the one who needs to change. Emotionally, im just spent, and done, and I find myself daydreaming about the single life again. I feel like crap for thinking that way, but again, I want and need some semblance of happiness in my life.

I know not a lot of people will have much to add here that's going to help, so this is mostly just venting


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## Livvie

Well.. How much do you each work, how much do you each do toward household chores, and who takes care of the kids after work?


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## happy as a clam

All of your threads have a consistent theme: you're miserable. That's no way to live.

My advice? Marriage counseling. You are full of resentment towards your wife. Let an exper help you both decide if you can remain in this very unhappy marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya

Show her this post. Seriously.

She has learned it's OK to treat you a certain way because you have allowed it. 

Time to change yourself. You must be willing to lose your marriage in order to try and save it. The first step is to stop being afraid of her.


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## aine

Wow, she just finished studies, married had 3 kids all in a few years, it sounds overwhelmingly. Are you sure you are not being dismissive? She works, takes care of young kids and I am just wondering how much responsibility to you take on for the house, kids, etc?
It is likely your wife is nagging because she feels you are not supporting her with the household duties. You never have date nights, etc, a wife needs to be loved and cherished and it needs to be shown to her. A man can get by with good food and sex, not a woman. I would suggest you read HNHN and have a look at the work of Dr Eggeriche on Love and Respect. Sounds like you are in a rut.

If a woman feels loved and cherished in her marriage, she will rarely nag, promise


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## Nanners

Have you talked to her about all of this? Explained how it is making you feel about yourself and about her? Have you told her you are considering leaving?

I was your wife. My H never really told me what he was feeling, but he was feeling almost exactly what you describe. Instead of voicing his concerns and giving us a change to truly work on things, he let it build up until one day he told me he didn't love me and wanted to leave. We're in counseling now and things are 100 times better, but now we have to deal with the pain of getting to that deep low. 

Do something before it gets there (which it sounds like it might already be) and you have a chance to save your marriage. Talk to her, try counseling. She might need a really strong wake up call to see the damage she is doing.


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## john117

What I'm reading could be an overwhelmed person unable to cope, or some relatively serious mental health issue. A slight chance she's trying to break up and get you to walk out now that college is paid for.

How was she during dating and before children?


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## 3kgtmitsu

I would say that I do at least my fair share of stuff around the house as well as taking my stepson to practice constantly, taking my daughter to and frim daycare, working long hours occasionally some days im home at 6 others its later like 8..always sure to hear the 3rd degree and she will call constantly for updates, gets pissed when i dont answer immediately etc. I love my daughter to death, shes great. My stepson (10) is an ungrateful brat and is always in trouble, raising his voice, arguing (wonder where he learned that? Lol) so with him its hard to not want to slap him in the face, always a battle.

Its just never enough, im sure to hear about my shortcomings non stop and now that shes spun her family against me too im just pissed off at her.

The reason we havent went on dates is usually because shes obsessively planning out chores for the weekend, or week. Every bit of down time is supposed to be spent cleaning..but then again its perfectly ok for her to relax, slack off, etc. because now she 'works'.

Pretty much what i can gather is she wants a man-slave..someone who just submits and does everything exactly her way..I have told her that her intentions for marriage sounds more like you just want a helper and not a partner in life.


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## 3kgtmitsu

The truth of it I am super happy outside the home, or when shes gone at work..its peaceful. The more i confront her about her bad attitude the bigger the argument or fight gets. She just simply does not see her behavioir as a problem.

She puts on an act infront of others to make it seem like shes this great super wife who does no wrong. If others see how she is behind closed doors they would immediately see the real deal. Her step mom is really the only one who calls her out on her crap other than me, she goes off talking about how clean she was before me, but she immiedately is like 'umm no we have always been to your house and it was always far from clean'


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## 3kgtmitsu

We do need counseling.

I have a feeling however if it doesn't go her way and she gets called out on her behavior that she will just dismiss them as not knowing what they are talking about.


The worst thing with her is she will take shots and get personal, she treats me just like she does my stepson, anytime he mis behaves and won't listen she starts calling him stupid and retarded, worthless etc and then wonders why he acts the way he does and doesn't have a good self esteem.

I see her doing the same thing with me, she will call me a slob, will give me crap about not going to the gym enough(which is ultimately her fault), calls me a child etc. And then she gets all butt hurt if I get angry? It just doesn't make sense, shes really just a miserable human being, I think this was always all there she just masked it as much as possible early in our courtship.


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## john117

How's her family's mental health? Cohesiveness? Upbringing? Similar experiences with parents? How is she at work?


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## 3kgtmitsu

From a broken family, she is somewhat resentful towards her mother. Says she was bottled up and emotional. Father is a neat freak, they are somewhat indifferent towards the kids, do not try to spend that much time with them even though they live close. From what I can tell her mother was kind of insulting / condescending just like she is. She doesn't like to hear that she acts like her mom, but that's the way I see it. No real mental heath issues at least clinically.

Her moms side of the family, everyone kind of talks trash about each other behind their backs. A lot of negativity which becomes very evident during family events. When its at her fathers its not like that, its more laid back and extravagant.


At work shes a newbie, so I cannot gauge that, I do think she likes her job now however. Part of what has made this problem even more amplified is she works night shift, so our schedules are out of whack.

Im feeling a little guilty for venting all of this online to total strangers, but then again, no one I can really talk to. My family is all from the Midwest and they have their own issues going on right now.


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## john117

OK then... Next step is to schedule a few IC sessions for yourself with a competent PhD/PsyD therapist and discuss all this - see if she's exhibiting any spectrum disorders (NPD, BPD, et al).


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## shane0147

I never use the term "omg", but i will here. OMG, your situation sounds identical to mine. Someone please slap me for saying OMG.

I have heard some say(and its probably true), that nagging is often a womans way of seeking attention. My wife is a poor communicator and i am likely an over communicator. Nagging has a way of making a man feel inadequate. Most men want a woman to show that she is comfortable, safe, and confident in her man. Nagging shows the opposite, and undermines a mans basic needs.

Some will say it gat women are drawn to the alpha male who is always self confident. Nagging, however, tends to peck away at that self confidence over time. 

In my case, i have been married 20 years. I used t be confident, but not arrogant. Now i feel like I have list some if that self confidence. I feel that it is at least partly due to years of doubt and skepticism from the person who is closest to me in life.

From my experience, this will not go away. It is one factor that has me on the verge of divorce myself. Deal with it, NOW, and you have a chance. If you do not, you risk losing your self identity, and your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nanners

You say you confront her about her attitude and it just leads to bigger fights. Have you straight up told her you are at the point of wanting to leave?

You might be right about her thinking a therapist is wrong if they 'side' with you or point out her issues. Or maybe she'll get how serious it is and give it a shot. But if you want to save your marriage, you need to give her the chance.

I guess the big question is, if she can make the changes needed, do you want to be with her?


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## As'laDain

Get a VAR and record her verbal abuse. If you can, get several recordings of it. Before you do, tell her that you are, from now on, going to carry a voice activated recorder in order to try and figured out what you did that caused her anger.

Talk to her, bring up your issues and remain calm. Your goal is to get proof of her behavior, to shine a light on it. The end state goal is to be able to talk to your wife and re-establish emotional intimacy with your wife. You cannot do that while your wife treats you the way she does and hides her behavior from everyone else. 

She has no motivation to change her behavior, so if you want her to change, you will have to provide her with the proper motivation to get her to want to change herself. 

You also need to change your own behavior, but only if you want her to change. If you simply refuse to take the bait and return her vitriol until it becomes a new normal for you, she won't be able to point the finger at you when you later go over those recordings. 

After you have several of them and have made it a bit of a habit to remain calm and respectful during your conversations with her, she may change her behavior. If so, then you may not need the next step. But be sure to have those hard conversations with her. Say the things you are holding back for fear of getting attacked. The purpose is twofold, one is to get an accurate record of her behavior, and the other is to communicate with your wife. Having the VAR on you will provide you with the motivation to actually talk to her. The communication itself may be all you need. However...

If she does not change her behavior, your next step is to tell her that you are scheduling marriage counseling. And go to counseling. Inform your wife that you will be sharing the recordings with the counselor, as well as anyone that you think she is is lying to about your own behavior. 

Tell her that you are going to expose her behavior if she refuses to start working on changing it. Inform her that you will maintain the recordings in several locations until your marriage changes. And that you will continue to record her for as long as she is willing to display the destructive behavior for you to record. 

Later on, after several months, if she changes for the better, you can destroy the recordings to let her know you no longer feel that you need them. But do not do that unless you are confident that she really has built up new habits and will no longer treat you with disrespect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrshavisham

This sounds familiar to me. Not to the extent of constant complaining. But the negativity for sure.

Was her upbringing influential in her negativity? Her mother? Mother's mother? Or particularly someone who greatly influenced her? Have you noticed anything like this? 

Reflecting on the problems that I had with negativity, I recall always finding fault with things or people in my life because my upbringing was constantly negative. Therefore, it felt like, deep down, negativity was all I really knew and became accustomed to. So when things were going really well, I subconsciously sabotaged the situation to make it negative. I became aware of this after some time. I realised that I was somehow nourished by and felt normal when in a state of negativity. It seems like negativity has become habitual for your wife, just like it was for me?

I realised that my mother was very negative and selfish. The same thing with my grandmother. There was a pattern.

Sent from my SM-N920I using Tapatalk


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## Adelais

Have the two of you ever sat down with a list of everything that needs done and what each of you actually does? That might help one or both of you see things more clearly. If there is an uneven division of responsibilities, a list (with times it takes to do each job) would help uncover it.


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## Tron

Often, constant nagging is an effort to exert control.

Would you classify your W as very insecure?

The abuse and constantly putting you down must get very old. Is she willing to do therapy? Sounds like some IC might help.


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## GuyInColorado

I dealt with a nagging/complaining/unhappy wife for 8 years. I woke up one day, read No More Mr Nice Guy, and left the house. Sure, some of the issues were with me. I wasn't in love with her and had so much resentment against her. No matter how much therapy I threw money at it, it didn't matter. The last fight she threw my phone across the house and punched me in my arm, and I made my exit plan. Divorce should be complete in a few months. I've never been so happy. Sucks for my kids to now have a broken home but they'll be OK in the end. Having them think our marriage was normal wasn't healthy for them. They'll get to see their parents be in a loving relationship.


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## ChargingCharlie

Tron said:


> Often, constant nagging is an effort to exert control.
> 
> Would you classify your W as very insecure?
> 
> The abuse and constantly putting you down must get very old. Is she willing to do therapy? Sounds like some IC might help.


Insecure is exactly it - my wife likes to nag me and it's due to her insecurity and effort to be in control (she admits that she doesn't like me driving because she's not in control). If they're insecure, they use nagging as a means of covering that up. In my case, my wife isn't this way with anyone else - just me. If I do something, she goes nuts and says she needs to do everything. If someone else does the same thing, it's no big deal.


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## Mr.Fisty

GuyInColorado said:


> I dealt with a nagging/complaining/unhappy wife for 8 years. I woke up one day, read No More Mr Nice Guy, and left the house. Sure, some of the issues were with me. I wasn't in love with her and had so much resentment against her. No matter how much therapy I threw money at it, it didn't matter. The last fight she threw my phone across the house and punched me in my arm, and I made my exit plan. Divorce should be complete in a few months. I've never been so happy. Sucks for my kids to now have a broken home but they'll be OK in the end. Having them think our marriage was normal wasn't healthy for them. They'll get to see their parents be in a loving relationship.



Or at least on your own end. But, your children can learn that sometimes we make mistakes in partner, or someone is toxic to our own mental and physical health, that it is okay to leave and not martyr one's self or else the cycle tends to go on and on. I ended up with an abusive ex-fiance as well.


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## Mr.Fisty

Btw, you should not have to put up with abuse and should either separate or walk away. No one has the right to lay a hand on you or demean you. If there are issues, one can discuss it like an adult with both actively participating.


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## ChargingCharlie

Mr.Fisty said:


> Btw, you should not have to put up with abuse and should either separate or walk away. No one has the right to lay a hand on you or demean you. If there are issues, one can discuss it like an adult with both actively participating.


True, but hard to discuss like an adult when one party has the maturity of a middle-school kid (dropping f-bombs around the kids because things aren't going their way, for example), and when you tell them not to swear around the kids, they respond with "I don't care".


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## Blossom Leigh

ChargingCharlie said:


> True, but hard to discuss like an adult when one party has the maturity of a middle-school kid (dropping f-bombs around the kids because things aren't going their way, for example), and when you tell them not to swear around the kids, they respond with "I don't care".


augh... I told my H the other day that hearing these stories of all these abusive women makes me want to do women's seminar's and 2 x 4 them all. lol so frustrating. It doesn't have to be that way.


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## ChargingCharlie

Blossom Leigh said:


> augh... I told my H the other day that hearing these stories of all these abusive women makes me want to do women's seminar's and 2 x 4 them all. lol so frustrating. It doesn't have to be that way.


Yep, makes it difficult to say anything (this is not to say that I'm perfect in any way, extremely far from it) - when the other party is proud of their immaturity, it's damn near impossible to crack that nut. How do you try to talk to someone who is proud that they act like a 13 year old?


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## Blossom Leigh

ChargingCharlie said:


> Yep, makes it difficult to say anything (this is not to say that I'm perfect in any way, extremely far from it) - when the other party is proud of their immaturity, it's damn near impossible to crack that nut. How do you try to talk to someone who is proud that they act like a 13 year old?


You take their toys away


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## As'laDain

ChargingCharlie said:


> Yep, makes it difficult to say anything (this is not to say that I'm perfect in any way, extremely far from it) - when the other party is proud of their immaturity, it's damn near impossible to crack that nut. How do you try to talk to someone who is proud that they act like a 13 year old?


Lol, see my last post...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh

As'laDain said:


> Lol, see my last post...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL... ok ok...:nerd:


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## GuyInColorado

ChargingCharlie said:


> Yep, makes it difficult to say anything (this is not to say that I'm perfect in any way, extremely far from it) - when the other party is proud of their immaturity, it's damn near impossible to crack that nut. How do you try to talk to someone who is proud that they act like a 13 year old?


In my case, you end the gravy train. Force them to go work full time and see their kids 50% of the time. Sure I'll be paying child support for 15 years, but damn if I'm not going to deprive myself of a relationship with a beautiful person inside and out. 

When your wife tells you she's only here because of the kids and is leaving you when they turn 18 and fcking hates your guts... then I get the courage to leave and file for divorce... she wants to reconcile.. she is fixed from therapy, blah blah. Too little, too late. Already moved on. Marriage sucks! lol


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## ChargingCharlie

GuyInColorado said:


> In my case, you end the gravy train. Force them to go work full time and see their kids 50% of the time. Sure I'll be paying child support for 15 years, but damn if I'm not going to deprive myself of a relationship with a beautiful person inside and out.


Exactly, and you have the correct attitude. Good for you.


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## DanielleBennett

Analyze how much she does and how much you do. Are you two an equal partnership? Maybe while you are resenting her for her attitude and nagging she may feel unsupported. It’s really hard to tell when she isn’t posting her side of the story either. But to be fair, you need to tell her how you feel or show her the post. You shouldn’t have to be unhappy either and carry so much resentment for a woman you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. Marriage counseling can certainly help here.


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## jb02157

This is basically where I'm at but my wife is not in good shape and is not well educated like yours. I see the same amount of complaining about how bad everything sucks when she has everything she has ever wanted, the kids, the big house all of that, it's all now it's all not good enough. I'm at my wits end and I'm not sure what to do either. I know that what I would like to do is divorce her but doing that would be giving her all the money I've worked hard all my life for and she should not be awarded for a lifetime of complaining.


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## As'laDain

jb, if the stuff she always wanted isn't good enough for her, then it was never what she really wanted at all. 

I bet she doesn't even know what she REALLY wants. Do you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25

You married her and had two children knowing she was like this and now you want to bail? Think about your children, you put them into this situation, if you weren't happy you shouldn't have gotten married and had children with her. There is always two sides to every story and I'm sure she would tell us her side and what you are doing to make her so upset. The simple solution is to stop doing them so she will have nothing to complain about.


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## 3kgtmitsu

That comment is totally illogical. When your married to someone who keeps the crazy bagged up until they suddenly feel comfortable enough to just start being who they really are, what are you supposed to do? You wake up one day and realize your miserable, you make a choice to make your own happiness, or just be miserable. I suppose when I posted this originally, I was starting to really see things as they really are.

I stopped posting in here because I was starting to feel that some peoples advice was very toxic. But not too long after this post we had a miscarriage, so that really made me feel like **** about all of this, but these are honest feelings I had at the time.

Heres the thing, she is a master manipulator, and the more and more time I spend with her family too, I see where it all comes from. They all stab each other in the back all the time, they are always complaining, nothings ever good enough, aka, my wifes exact personality. Her sister is going through a D right now, of course her husband never did anything right, its all his fault, shes perfect, lol, but the reality is he just was not doing things her way.

Every single female in this family tree has been through a divorce now. They are all very petty, they dredge up the tiniest slight over nothing from the past and make big ol arguments over it, her aunt was mad over her taking her seat 10 years ago and she actually still remembered it! Its just insane. It makes me wonder how I didn't see this. The part that's even crazier, she knows shes like this, but just simply doesn't do anything to fix change, or fix it. Even if this all ends, she will still hold her head up high like she has done nothing wrong.

What I am realizing, this in her mind is all her show. She has a plan for her entire life and she just wants me to line up to be a part of it, but If I don't cooperate with her, then my life becomes hell. Instead of me being regarded as an individual, with goals and hopes of my own, my happiness is totally optional to her, but not a priority.

Its such a mess of semi-ocd tendencys, control freak ness, narcissism, etc. 

Im being as good a husband as I possibly can, I take good care of my kids, do my part etc. Im also going after my career with a vengange, instead of moping around about it, and I am making my OWN happiness. If I am still treated with no respect, and any and everything no matter how trivial is brought up and thrown in my face, I'm out. We went to a few counseling sessions and I brought up the family dynamic that exists on her side, the back stabbing manipulative smile to your face at the same time part, and they were really really concerned about this, and that has clearly been the most damaging thing in this marriage.

I know damn well im not perfect, I don't need any know it all's from this forum to point that out. But lets face the truth, and this is very common, some people just get into a marriage or relationship because they see that person as serving a purpose to them, and they go out of their way to make them miserable when they don't meet up to their demands. To me that's not true love. True love is genuinely wanting that person to be happy, no matter what the cost.


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## Blondilocks

Are you going to divorce her?


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## 3kgtmitsu

Not unless it really comes down to it. It's pretty nuts but one thing I have done in the last few months is stand my ground and got a lot of my self respect back, especially after really realizing how much her family had caused much of this..I realized it's not really me..I am no more perfect nor worse than most men out there. So I suppose you could say I'm prepared for the worst but hoping for the best. I truely believe that if you realize your doing your best, you can keep your head up no matter what life throws at you.


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## 3kgtmitsu

This evening was a classic case of whats wrong in the first place. 9am I get up and get the kids rouded up for church, she comes home after working the night shift and crashes. Once we get back to the house, I get my stepson reluctantly to help tidy up the house, on top of that I wash her car, clean it out, sweep and mop, clean off the counters, and countless other things. We had plans to go to the pool with family (without her), so in total we only had about 3 hours and we accomplished quite a bit.

The first thing she does when she gets up is send me a text that says 'did you even do anything at all today?'. I was completely irate, at the very least recognize that I am putting forth effort.. So from her perspective, she thought she was going to wake up to a better homes and gardens downstairs after the kids had totally trashed the place all week? I work just as many hours as she does, but somehow since shes 'night shift' she thinks by default its all on me. The place was tidy, not perfect however because we have a 3 yr old that's in a constant state of making a mess..plus she has bought way too damn many kitchen appliances. Secondly, she usually makes a big huge mess in the kitchen then immediately bails to go to work, leaving it to us to clean up. The kitchen alone has made me want to just give up before, its futile to even bother cleaning it thoroughly when you know its just going to be trashed again later that day. I don't think a marriage should be this much work in the first place honestly. Most women appreciate what you do for them, and its better to feel appreciated, and that's a stronger motivator than someone who just focuses on your shortcomings.

Point being, she has a real hard time showing appreciation, she will instead find something wrong, and then that just further justifies it in her mind to become even more of a control freak. And you guessed it, yep she does a crap job when its just her at home with the kids, its usually 10x messier than when I left. So not only and I getting the 4th degree over something that I didn't do, or didn't do right, she then has a double standard, and never will accept criticism herself, and even if she does hear it, it never makes a damn difference. 

What makes this hard, is all of this behavior of hers is behind closed doors, and she is really good at rallying people around her that support her every move. They don't hear the yelling and the trash talk that goes on, and how she berates my stepson when hes out of line without holding back insults, and on and on and on. She has good traits too, don't get me wrong, but its kind of like having to deal with someone who is out of touch with reality, and is instead focused on 'idealism'. But we are just going to be infinitely at odds, always in some sort of fight, and intentionally or not shes always going to try to make me feel like im not good enough. She gets it right back at her when she starts flinging this stuff at me, im not some spineless doormat and I have had about enough of it.

Right now, im past that. Theres nothing that she can do that will tear me down, it will just further drive a wedge between us. I encourage that any man that has to hear this kind of crap, just 'man up', sometimes theres no fixing stuff that is driven into them when they are young. Your never going to live up to her ever changing standards if she acts this way, accept that, but also check yourself and make sure that you are really pulling your weight.

Edit: - Holy crap looking at my old posts here. I have hung in there for a while lol. A funny, but not in a funny humorous way, but peculiar way. I have a buddy whos wife is in nursing school, and I guess shes become a total pain in the ass too...something with the personality type the choses the medical field must make them typically difficult do deal with. Nurses have one of the highest D rates of all the medical world. They call nursing school the marriage killer.


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## turnera

3kgtmitsu said:


> I have a buddy whos wife is in nursing school, and I guess shes become a total pain in the ass too...something with the personality type the choses the medical field must make them typically difficult do deal with. Nurses have one of the highest D rates of all the medical world. They call nursing school the marriage killer.


Or it could be both women are married to men who put up with it.


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## Blondilocks

Did you text her back and tell her everything you had accomplished including looking after your stepson so she could sleep? Don't take that crap lying down. Did you ask her what she intends to accomplish before you get home? Did you advise her to not make a mess in the kitchen and expect you to clean it?


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## Satya

Well you set yourself up for that one, I'm truly sorry to say.

It's called a covert contract - doing something or things because you expect it will have a particular reaction from your wife. Not surprisingly, this failed and now you are angry that she didn't recognize what you did.

You need to re-frame your nice guy way of thinking. She doesn't care what you do for her. It won't matter how many chores you do... she is on a mission to be unhappy and you can't change her attitude about this. Only she can.

You're really quite powerless unless it comes down to your own behavior. I think you're starting to see this to be the truth, but you have a long way to go.

Stop letting her unhappiness affect you. Carry on and do things that make you happy. Take care of your manly $h1t and stop looking for a thank you from her. She's not your mom - stop looking for her approval. You're not her dad- and BTW a good dad would never put up with his daughter's childish tantrums.

Your wife has reached a mean phase, for what reason I have no idea, but she's acting destructive and resentful toward you. If I were in your shoes, I'd give an ultimatum of finding the root cause, putting in the effort to stop the bad behavior, or I'm out.

As human beings, we're all deserving of basic levels of respect. I would think that a spouse is even more deserving of this most basic behavior.


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## 3kgtmitsu

Don't think for one second I put up with it, she got it right back to her I made it very clear I was not going to put up with such a text message. I got over trying to keep her happy a while ago. It wouldn't matter if I sat on the couch drinking beer all day, or busted my ass around the house, her reaction to me is always based on her current mood. If I do stuff around the house, its because it needs done, it has 0% to do with trying to keep her happy. I do not need recognition no more than I need to be criticized. It does still bother me though, because its total lack of logic and attention to detail.

Its easy for anyone to come in, judge, share opinions etc. And everyone can get all hung up on the "ALPHA' this and that, that's all bullcrap. Its just confidence and being assertive, you can do that without being an *******, you can tag any man having issues with his wife as being a doormat but that's not always true. I would not be successful or an entrepreneur if I was like that. Im more of a type A than she is in most cases, but she does have a lot of power struggle going on because hidden between her clever remarks, and back handed compliments is a big ego seeking out validation. 

I think we both do genuinely want this to work, but its a matter of unraveling a tangled web of psychology before we can get to a point of true peace. To me its very simple, just ask a question like and adult and don't try to frickin plan out my daily routine and create a huge honey do list of the things you honey don't.. Its a pretty easy fix from my perspective. Just complain less, and stay positive more! No one is motivated by negativity.

I guess im in the limbo state, if it doesn't turn positive I really can't see a real reason to stick around other than the kids...however if there is genuine effort to change, then we can get back to some harmony and peace.

Anyways,Im signing out for a while, its easy to get wrapped up into a world of toxicity here. I will give an update in a month or two how things are panning out.


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## bbdad

3kgtmitsu said:


> So my wife of 4 years and I have been going through a lot of rough patches. We have 2 kids and another on the way. I would normally want to be exited about this, but in the last couple years her attitude has just went down the toilet and I find myself really regretting that I gave into her constantly pushing for another kid.
> 
> Everything is always my fault, she is always complaining about something, no matter how trivial the matter is. She has went so far as to telling her 'victim' sob stories to her family and of course they take her side, but they don't even know the half of it, im just completely done with her attitude and I am left wishing we didn't have a little one on the way so I would feel less guilty about wanting out.
> 
> Heres the thing, our relationship basically consists of her complaining. Its usually about cleaning, for someone who verbally obsesses over cleaning all the time she sure doesn't do much of it. She accuses me of doing nothing around the house, which quite the opposite is true. That's what infuriates me the most about her, she twists the truth around so she seems like the innocent one. She truly believes anything that is wrong is someone elses fault, and she is beyond reproach. She just goes on and on about stuff nonstop, there is no satisfying her, if you try to make her happy she just increases the amount of complaining she does. Its gotten to the point where I finally wind up just flipping out because she will not shut up about it. Of course I'm the bad guy, nothing I ever do is right. Poor little victim woman.
> 
> From what she says, our house must be totally trashed, and no one caring at all about anything, but our house may not be perfect but its far from a mess. I would gladly post pictures of it at its worst on here and let you all be the judge. Its just a series of mountains being made out of mole hills.
> 
> Its just non stop negativity, something is always wrong, with her, or the house, or something.
> 
> I just cant see how anyone could possibly deal with this for life, and that's the way I am looking at it now. She never wants to accept blame for anything without taking someone down with her. Its to the point of being psychotic.
> 
> Its to the point it has killed any positive feelings I have towards her. She has no real reason to be unhappy about herself or life situation, shes in shape, has a good job, house, kids the whole 9 yards. She spent the first 4 years of marriage in school, being supported by me, in the mean time we have had basically no life, no dates, even when times are good I feel like I have been just an afterthought.
> 
> She does have a history of a lot of failed relationships and marriage where the pattern seems to be the same, where its all 'His' fault.
> 
> I do not believe to be perfect in any way, infact her constant belittlement has really damaged my sense of self so if anything im more self loathing because of her. I feel like the expectations are just impossible, I have to be 100% perfect, and then she MIGHT be happy for a moment.
> 
> I wish counseling could fix this, but she just views ME as the one who needs to change. Emotionally, im just spent, and done, and I find myself daydreaming about the single life again. I feel like crap for thinking that way, but again, I want and need some semblance of happiness in my life.
> 
> I know not a lot of people will have much to add here that's going to help, so this is mostly just venting


I could almost have written this myself. Except, I am 20 years in. I've tried for so long to handle the negativity, but it has grown too much. I work from home - self employed. We have a nice home, actually having a new one built, we have people clean the house, take care of the yard and pool. She cooks at home maybe 2x per month at most. She works for me at most 3-5 hours per week, except at year end, then it is about 20 hours / week. And with all of this, her life is too hard. She is always the victim. Nothing is ever good enough. She can never be happy. She complains about nearly everything. I could go on and on.

I have finally reached the breaking point. I have to get out. Trust me. If it is like this now, you do not want to be in this situation in another 10+ years. It does not get any better. At least in my experience.


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## GusPolinski

Wife: "Did you even do anything at all today?"

Me: "Yep, lots. Sat around in my boxers playing cards and drinking beer while the kids slung Cheerios all over the place."

Or

"Nope."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

I have an ex husband who was a negative person like this. It is a life suck. He complained about and hated everything and everybody. People like this don't change, this is who they are...their base personality, and you cannot make them happy. Ever. Please think about how this affects your children, this is not a good environment for them. 

If I were you, I would end it. (I did...)


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## turnera

Same here. The one time I got him to go to therapy, the MC asked him to just do one thing for homework, as his negativity was drowning me in despair. All he had to do was think of 5 things a day that he could say that were positive. You know, like 'it didn't rain today' or 'the house didn't burn down' or 'my daughter is beautiful.' He thought of 2 things, couldn't think of a third, and quit.

Now, the older DD26 gets, the more I see the negativity seeping into her everyday conversations. I could kick myself for not leaving 10 years ago so she would have at least seen what a non-negative household looked like, so she could have chosen differently.


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## Satya

turnera said:


> Same here. The one time I got him to go to therapy, the MC asked him to just do one thing for homework, as his negativity was drowning me in despair. All he had to do was think of 5 things a day that he could say that were positive. You know, like 'it didn't rain today' or 'the house didn't burn down' or 'my daughter is beautiful.' He thought of 2 things, couldn't think of a third, and quit.
> 
> Now, the older DD26 gets, the more I see the negativity seeping into her everyday conversations. I could kick myself for not leaving 10 years ago so she would have at least seen what a non-negative household looked like, so she could have chosen differently.


My husband shared that his grandmother lived with the family for years after her husband died, and every year she became this increasingly negative, crotchety, nit-picking woman. Her influence on hubby's father (her son) was the most toxic. 

Now, his dad's in his 70s, sits around the house just like she used to, picking at everything, and is become an increasingly negative, crotchety old man. Hubby actually says his attitude has improved a lot since I came into his life, because when I visit I simply flood the house with good feelings and don't put up with negativity if he starts to go down that path. If he's going through one of his bad spells and won't stop, my husband says "we're going now" and literally we pick up and leave. But my husband says it's the reason he can only tolerate about a half hour at his parent's place at any one time. It reminds him too much as a young man growing up with his negative grandma and his anxiety and panic spikes. 

It really does stick with you, but you can always learn to handle it in ways that keep you as removed from it as possible.


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## silex

Can I ask why if things have been so bad for the past few years you've decided to bring another child into the mix?

I know it's a bit too late but I just don't understand why you'd complicate things and bring more stress into your lives if you're already having trouble coping?

Either way please don't have any more children!


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## phitigirl

turnera said:


> Same here. The one time I got him to go to therapy, the MC asked him to just do one thing for homework, as his negativity was drowning me in despair. All he had to do was think of 5 things a day that he could say that were positive. You know, like 'it didn't rain today' or 'the house didn't burn down' or 'my daughter is beautiful.' He thought of 2 things, couldn't think of a third, and quit.


I think my husband would be doing good to come up with 2. Negativity from a spouse is so draining.


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## bbdad

turnera said:


> Same here. The one time I got him to go to therapy, the MC asked him to just do one thing for homework, as his negativity was drowning me in despair. All he had to do was think of 5 things a day that he could say that were positive. You know, like 'it didn't rain today' or 'the house didn't burn down' or 'my daughter is beautiful.' He thought of 2 things, couldn't think of a third, and quit.
> 
> Now, the older DD26 gets, the more I see the negativity seeping into her everyday conversations. I could kick myself for not leaving 10 years ago so she would have at least seen what a non-negative household looked like, so she could have chosen differently.


My wife couldn't come up with 5 things if you gave them to her. The negativity is just draining me and killing me. And as you say, I'm seeing it in my young daughters. It is killing me. I am trying to plan my exit to make it all as painless as possible. I know it is going to suck, but hopefully I can minimize some of the damage. I want the girls to have a shot of seeing what a positive and loving household can be like.


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