# My GF's past is bothering me



## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

So my current gf has told me somethings during our dating, that are bothersome to me. She's been with a lot of guys, or what I guess I would consider a lot of guys, because she won't tell me the total number. I have been with less than 20 women, I want to say more like 15ish. We are both 40, so I know with age comes more number of partners if you're not married. I was married for 2 years, and she has never been. But she says things like if knew the number of guys I slept with you would probably be mortified. Or things like if my daughter ever did what I did I'd kill her. So for me, I was never the type to sleep around, so I can't understand this. She said she is no longer like this, but yet last summer, she slept with some guy she knew growing up, but didn't love him. That kind of thing just bothers me, and yes, it was before me, but even so. You knew that someday you would find someone that you would care about, so having sex with a bunch of random guys isn't necessarily going to show this guy that you are the type of person you should consider marrying. What if 3 years into our relationship, you're just not satisfied with one man, and start to long for something new. She tells me that her past is something she's not proud of, but she can't change it. That she isn't like that now, and is faithful and loyal. I believe her, but sleeping with a guy last summer isn't really that far in the past. It makes me sick if I think about it too much, and how many guys total are there? If it's over 100, I think I would want to vomit. It wouldn't make me feel very special I guess. I know this is something I need to get over, or our relationship is doomed. Does anyone have thoughts on this, is this something I should get over, and how should I do that?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd say your problems with her past are just that... Your problems. You could ask her not to make comments like she has, you could try some therapy... But in the end, you need to get over it or get out of the relationship. 

My GF's past is much "dirtier" than mine. I think she's had about 10x my number of partners. But all this is part of who she is. No matter what other experiences she's had, she's chosen to be with me. It definitely helps that our attitude towards sex is similar (it feels great, so why not?). Maybe that's your concern? That you value sex as something to be shared in a special relationship, and she doesn't?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

You know this matters to some and not to others. I honestly think it's ridiculous to be worried about sexual activity of a single person. What someone does as a single does not reflect how they do things in a committed relationship.

I wish she hadn't apologized really. Why should she? Of course I kind of regret being with some of the people I was with when I was single, maybe because they weren't that good or it was a "what was I thinking sleeping with him...ewww" moment but I did it because I wanted to and didn't have someone I was committed to.

My huband just thought he had "gotten around" until we had that talk when we were dating. LOL I think beat his number 3 times over and we were only 21? It was a little embarassing yeah but nothing I felt the need to apologize over.

If you are going to hold this over her head please don't stay with her. She should't be made feel guilty or like she was/is ****ty because of it. When you say last summer do you mean summer of 2011? If your talking sex that is a long time. (in my book) Either find a way to accept her PAST or move on for her sake.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Sounds like she is feeling the shame and guilt of it and using you to process it. Can you suggest to her that this is hurtful to you, that you dont like the visual you get of her with other men when she speaks of these things? I would suggest sending her to counseling so she can process this. Because trust me, i dont believe she is bragging, i believe she is feeling shame and remorse and guilt, because i was promiscuous in my very early 20's and there is a price to pay. There may be underlying reasons she was promiscuous. She may have been the victim of sexual abuse. It is worth a few trips to a counselor to help her sort ot out. 

Now, of indeed she is just bragging andproud of it, thats a whole other ball of wax


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

it's not bragging, and when i said last summer, it was one year ago, and about 6 months before she met me. i don't hold it against her or make her feel uncomfortable, and with every gf i've ever had we have discussed this, along with the numbers. like i said, i've had less than 20 partners, but she won't tell me the total number, bc she said she doesn't know, and that she would have to make a list. that to me is kind of scary, and even though it she was single, it does affect me. when you sleep with someone, it's like sleeping with everyone they ever slept with, as far as disease. is she going to be more susceptible to uterus cancer bc of the number of partners, i don't know these things, but sometimes i think about them. i know it's on me to get over this, and for the most part i don't care. i never worry that someone is going to hit on her and she won't be able to control herself. i guess it's just a mental thing for guys, and like i said, normally i don't have an issue, but when they aren't willing to tell you a simple questions like ballpark, how many guys have you been with, then it kind of makes me wonder.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

It may have something to do with your reaction to things she's said in prior conversations and the fact that her number is significantly higher than yours. She can probably tell you kind of have a problem with it and scared your going to judge her when she has to guess at the number.

I will say this. I can't tell you an exact number of my priors and can't tell you all their names either.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Please re-read my post. I believe she is trying to process something here. 

Just my opinion. Take it or leave it.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I know plenty of people will be here giving you a politically correct answer, so let piss in the sandbox a bit. 

Statistics say that the number of previous sexual partner accurately predict the success of a starting monogamous relation. The more partners the less likely it is for that monogamous relation to survive an extended period of time. 

Of course, statistics are what they are. Even a high probability has exceptions. 

The thing is, what about you? Can you get intimate with this woman with all that in your mind? Can you look at her and not think about this? It's all about what you can take or not buddy.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Twofaces said:


> *Sorry, but statistics are just numbers that can be skewed to get the results you want. *
> 
> Like i said, i was promiscous in my early 20's. Most likely due to childhood sexual abuse.
> 
> ...


Sure, people can use statistics to misrepresent things. However, statistics can show clear cut tendencies too. In this case, someone who has been having regular hook ups with all sorts of sex partners over years is more likely to continue that type of behavior. Are there exceptions to this? Of course, but we already know that statistics is all about showing tendencies and likelihoods of events occurring. 

What's wrong with talking about past sexual experiences? I would think that most people want to get an idea of what they are getting into. If someone doesn't want to date someone else who has 100+ sex partners, then that's his/her prerogative to filter out people who have done that. Everyone has a right to a second chance, but everyone also has a right to be an informed "consumer" and learn what they are getting before they make the decision to "buy".


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

If it bothers you that much than leave! There are other people out there in the world who have your same views/morals. A topic like sexual past let alone a persons history is extremely important and you can tell a lot about a person from their past and there actions there past speaks loads about there character and the mental state they are in.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sure, people can use statistics to misrepresent things. However, statistics can show clear cut tendencies too. In this case, someone who has been having regular hook ups with all sorts of sex partners over years is more likely to continue that type of behavior. Are there exceptions to this? Of course, but we already know that statistics is all about showing tendencies and likelihoods of events occurring.
> 
> What's wrong with talking about past sexual experiences? I would think that most people want to get an idea of what they are getting into. If someone doesn't want to date someone else who has 100+ sex partners, then that's his/her prerogative to filter out people who have done that. Everyone has a right to a second chance, but everyone also has a right to be an informed "consumer" and learn what they are getting before they make the decision to "buy".


:iagree:

People want to remain in denial though and act like a persons past has no weight on there present! Since when does a persons actions no longer speak as evidence of something? Actions speak louder than words!











Clearly the more sexual partners the more likely you are for divorce. The more crazy you are the more likely you are for divorce trust me i am a divorce lawyer i see it all the time its safe to say a good portion of my past clients had been on the wild side one to many times. The intelligent populace is less likely to divorce college educated people within the same social class divorce less at that those who marry later but have a lower number of sexual partners divorce less. I can shove out all kinds of random statistics but it wont do any good people who want to live in denial will continue to and sadly a good chance that there lifestyle will lead to much heartache and suffering in the future.


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## ColumbusC (Aug 21, 2012)

She can probably tell you kind of have a problem with it and scared your going to judge her when she has to guess at the number.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Basically if i wanted to know about my future wifes past and she was unwilling to tell me I would say she is not ready to marry me. If it is imprtant to me it is important to me. Period. I don't care about other peoples social or political agendas. My agenda is what counts to me.

The thing is you are correct in getting this answered now. After you marry is not the time.

Realize that marrying someone is not like hiring someone to work at the mall. You are selecting a partner that you expect to spend the rest of your life with. You can use whatever criteria you wish.

So you have to decide how important this is for you. But handle this before your marriage or its too late to deal with later.

For me I would want to know the number and types of relationships that they had. I really could care less what anyone felt about it. I would also want to know about drug and alcohol use. All sorts of other information about them that can tell me about their stability and character. If they ever cheated or had an affair with a married person. If they were ever cheated on and so on. If the number of partners was too high to count I would likely not be interested in them. If they do not know their names that would be a real negative for me. But this is just me.

Oh and why not get a prenup?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If it bothers you, OP, I wouldn't pursue the relationship. Her past isn't going to go away and, I have a feeling, neither are your concerns. If your GF is 40 years of age, enjoys sex and is single, it seems pretty clear that her numbers are going to be on the high side... I think the decision that you have to make is can you come to terms with this? Is it the not knowing exactly how many, or the knowledge that it is probably more than you would like?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Twofaces said:


> Sorry, but statistics are just numbers that can be skewed to get the results you want.


Unless of course you know basic math and what a blind study is. Studies clearly indicate a strong correlation between a large number of sexual partners and marriage failure within 10 years. Take note that correlation is just that. It does not mean, even if it's a high correlation, that all marriages will fail. They are just much more likely to fail.



> Like i said, i was promiscous in my early 20's. Most likely due to childhood sexual abuse.
> 
> I habe been faithful to my H for our entire almost 20 years.
> 
> ...


She is a GF, not a wife. The OP did well to ask about it (since it seems important for him) before going further into it. Now it's the right time.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

costa200 said:


> I know plenty of people will be here giving you a politically correct answer, so let piss in the sandbox a bit.
> 
> Statistics say that the number of previous sexual partner accurately predict the success of a starting monogamous relation. The more partners the less likely it is for that monogamous relation to survive an extended period of time.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

My suggestion is , if your girlfriend's number is so high that she cannot give an average figure then WALK.
A person is the sum total of all their life's experiences, and if she cannot come clean with that then she's playing GAMES.

She cannot tell you what value system to judge her by, and vice versa .It would be " himself judging himself."

If her value system is not compatible with yours,
You should find someone else, whose value system is compatible with yours in that aspect.

She should probably do the same and save both of you the headache.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Gold-member....... I thought the graph was very informative for all to see...many people say its not important, these facts show otherwise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

l2k said:


> “I have been with less than 20 women, I want to say more like 15ish. “
> 
> “So for me, I was never the type to sleep around, so I can't understand this. “
> 
> “She said she is no longer like this, but yet last summer, she slept with some guy she knew growing up, but didn't love him.”


You have slept with 15-20 women. You don’t know how many but are pulling a number out of the air. If you were not pulling the number out of the air, you would know exactly how many. This means that you don’t even remember all of them. You are the type to sleep around. What do you think sleeping around means? 

She was not in love with this person she slept with last summer and that bothers you. Have you been in love with every woman you have slept with? If you have been in love with 15-20 women, that’s very concerning as well.

You are entitled to set whatever parameters you want when you choose a woman to be with. But you are being hypocritical with some of your judgments, even making excuses for yourself while judging her harshly.

IMO, this is not a woman you should be with because you are having problems handing her past.

I am wondering if she was sexually abused as a child because that often leads to a person being very promiscuous until they process the abuse and put it into the proper persepective.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> *Basically if i wanted to know about my future wifes past and she was unwilling to tell me I would say she is not ready to marry me. If it is imprtant to me it is important to me. Period. I don't care about other peoples social or political agendas. My agenda is what counts to me.*
> 
> The thing is you are correct in getting this answered now. After you marry is not the time.


My thoughts exactly.
Its almost like she's asking him to carry her baggage,but she refuses to tell him what's in the bag and how heavy it is.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Elegirl posted: You have slept with 15-20 women. You don’t know how many but are pulling a number out of the air. If you were not pulling the number out of the air, you would know exactly how many. This means that you don’t even remember all of them. You are the type to sleep around. What do you think sleeping around means?
> 
> She was not in love with this person she slept with last summer and that bothers you. Have you been in love with every woman you have slept with? If you have been in love with 15-20 women, that’s very concerning as well.
> 
> You are entitled to set whatever parameters you want when you choose a woman to be with. But you are being hypocritical with some of your judgments, even making excuses for yourself while judging her harshly.


I agree with this observation.

As I can count my previous sexual partners on less than the fingers on one hand, for me, 15-20 would be a high number. 

Whilst we're all entitled to have expectations about the values and morals of our partners, we cannot expect a higher standard than we have set for ourselves.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I say, if you've had 16 to 20 partners, go for the gusto, 21+, your chances are better. :rofl:


Maybe people start to get tired after a number?:rofl:


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## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Hey watch chasing Amy!

Costa hahaha I was thinking exactly the same thing! XD

Its not that long ago she slept with someone, it's very important that your honest with each other and that she doesn't find the behaviour appealing any more. It is your problem essentially but if it's important to you also how she behaves IMHO that's perfectly valid. 

Mostly having a fling is some peoples way to get other people out of their system. That could be good or bad in this situation.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

The other thing that really is concerning for me, is that she has never had a long term relationship. nothing over a year, and she claims this has no bearing on our relationship. That just because she hasn't been with someone longer than a year, it isn't because she didn't want to or because she left. She said there were guys that she wanted to with, and they didn't. Isn't this a bit odd, for someone who's 40? I'm a guy, and I've had at least 5 relationships that went 3+ years. Aren't guys supposed to be the ones that lack commitment? She tells me that the guys she dated weren't worth long term relationships, which always brought me back to the question, then why the hell were you with them, and why did you have sex with them? It just doesn't make sense, she has this excuse for why she did that, that the guys were all bad, but then why would you continually date them, or sleep with them when you didn't want to be with them? I just can't understand that, maybe I have more morals and self worth. Maybe this isn't a good fit and I should move on? I don't know, it's just really hard when she is so afraid of telling me the number. She thinks I'm going to use it to decide on whether or not I'm going to stay. I think I just need some time to sort it all out.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

l2k said:


> The other thing that really is concerning for me, is that she has never had a long term relationship. nothing over a year, and she claims this has no bearing on our relationship. That just because she hasn't been with someone longer than a year, it isn't because she didn't want to or because she left. She said there were guys that she wanted to with, and they didn't. Isn't this a bit odd, for someone who's 40? I'm a guy, and I've had at least 5 relationships that went 3+ years. Aren't guys supposed to be the ones that lack commitment? She tells me that the guys she dated weren't worth long term relationships, which always brought me back to the question, then why the hell were you with them, and why did you have sex with them? It just doesn't make sense, she has this excuse for why she did that, that the guys were all bad, but then why would you continually date them, or sleep with them when you didn't want to be with them? I just can't understand that, maybe I have more morals and self worth. Maybe this isn't a good fit and I should move on? I don't know, it's just really hard when she is so afraid of telling me the number. She thinks I'm going to use it to decide on whether or not I'm going to stay. I think I just need some time to sort it all out.


With respect, OP, did you want to have long term relationships with the women you slept with?

Her being afraid to tell you the number of men she's slept with is a red flag, but you're not even sure of your own exact number, either...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm amazed at how often this is brought up by men on this site. Just an observation.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

Yes, all of the women I were with I was in relationships with. I guess I can give you some background. I'm a Korean adoptee, so growing up in Mn, it was hard to find women who would date me. One because of my race, and two because I'm also kind of small for a guy, 5'6" 130 lbs. Most women thought I was too short, too skinny, so for me, I got rejected a lot. It wasn't for the lack of trying, just not a lot of opportunities. I think I was a late bloomer, because now that I'm 40 it seems like I have more opportunities, or maybe there are just more people on the planet, than there were 20 years ago, I don't know. Anyway, all of the people I slept with were girlfriends, which required multiple dates, talking, etc, before anything happened. I never just went to the bar and had a one night stand. I definitely tried when I was younger, but as stated above, it wasn't happening. I fold her how many people I was with, and because I don't even know my total number is due more to the fact that some of them were just oral sex, and I wasn't sure if that counts as actual sex? I didn't want to have to break it all down. The point is I told her my number, and I know it's around 15. She knows how many I have been with, yet she tells me things like she'd be mortified to find out, that she doesn't know, and would have to make a list, and that honestly it scares her if she had to think about it. That's the kinds of "adjectives" I have to go by, and it's not doing well for my thought process to have those words be a description to your girlfriends sexual past. Yes, I love her very much, and I would like to get re-married again someday. I don't take relationships lightly, if I'm with someone, there has to be the possibility of marriage. I'm too old to play games anymore, I've dated, I don't need to sow my oats. I'm ready to settle down for the long term.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> If it bothers you, OP, I wouldn't pursue the relationship. Her past isn't going to go away and, I have a feeling, neither are your concerns. If your GF is 40 years of age, enjoys sex and is single, it seems pretty clear that her numbers are going to be on the high side... I think the decision that you have to make is can you come to terms with this? Is it the not knowing exactly how many, or the knowledge that it is probably more than you would like?


 :iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

I think I could come to terms with it, if she could have just told me from the beginning. She didn't have to give me an exact number, she could have given me a ballpark, and even left some off that may or may not have happened, but to me, most everyone should have a rough idea. I said under 20, probably like 15. That isn't hard, and it may have been more than 15, but I said under 20 so I was covered. She could have said under 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 5,000, anything insert a number. The point is she didn't, and she keeps saying things like this, that she "fears" her own number... 

The people are right though...it's kind of your problem to deal with only because it is something that bothers you and you have to decide whether you can live with it or not. It's part of who I am even if that behavior NEVER resurfaces ever again.
Maybe you will never ever understand how I could possibly compromise my standards but, like the others said, it's more complex I'm sure than I was horny and wanted sex. I probably could stand to have some counseling for lots of things, that being one of them..why I allowed myself to be with people and didn't value myself more. It's something that I do feel shame about and haven't really tapped in to much because it is uncomfortable and embarrassing and sad and all of those unpleasant things.
And I do fear that you will judge me or worse, if given the information you're asking for. I don't feel like I should have to divulge the details because they are in my past but at the same time, I don't want you to feel like I'm harboring some deep seeded secret from you either and breed distrust in our relationship.

I'm still confused about what is your biggest fear/ concern here....is it your insecurity about your own sexual abilities and size, etc. or is it that I am going to leave you? You talk a lot about me getting bored and leaving...that isn't relegated to just bored with sex but bored in general...and just a general fear of being abandoned, right?
I haven't been in a super long term relationship but to me that's also irrelevant. I have wanted them with some and they didn't. So it's not always been me running off bc I get bored. 
Sex for me, with you, is not an issue. I know how I feel about you physically and know what we have (or what I thought we have) and I don't worry or question it getting boring or old or me comparing you to anything but you. I've told you this.

I can see all sides. I don't understand why you would even want to know unless you are going to base your decision on the number. It sounds like that's the case. And that's fair I guess...if you need hard facts in order to decide whether or not you can be with me then that is your prerogative and if that's what you're saying you have to have before you can move forward with me then I have to decide if I want to give you the information. For me, it does have to do with fear of what you will do with the number, but it's also just that I don't agree that it's critical to the success of a relationship. I also fear my own number...in all honesty. Some people don't care about that type of thing but probably most good men would like it if their future wife had only slept with a handful of men.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sure, people can use statistics to misrepresent things. However, statistics can show clear cut tendencies too. In this case, someone who has been having regular hook ups with all sorts of sex partners over years is more likely to continue that type of behavior. Are there exceptions to this? Of course, but we already know that statistics is all about showing tendencies and likelihoods of events occurring.
> 
> What's wrong with talking about past sexual experiences? I would think that most people want to get an idea of what they are getting into. If someone doesn't want to date someone else who has 100+ sex partners, then that's his/her prerogative to filter out people who have done that. Everyone has a right to a second chance, but everyone also has a right to be an informed "consumer" and learn what they are getting before they make the decision to "buy".





I dont disagree at all


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I am wondering if she was sexually abused as a child because that often leads to a person being very promiscuous until they process the abuse and put it into the proper persepective.







This was the point i tried to make in two posts. So thank you.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

costa200 said:


> Unless of course you know basic math and what a blind study is. Studies clearly indicate a strong correlation between a large number of sexual partners and marriage failure within 10 years. Take note that correlation is just that. It does not mean, even if it's a high correlation, that all marriages will fail. They are just much more likely to fail.
> 
> 
> 
> She is a GF, not a wife. The OP did well to ask about it (since it seems important for him) before going further into it. Now it's the right time.





Basic math? A blind study???? Hmmmm, you sure stumped me there. I aint got no edumacation and i aint blind so's i aint never seen any of them there kinda studies........

Pfffffffft

Take note, that was a very condescending thing to say, and i think you know that. But i took your bait. It will be the last time. 

Again. Please dont ban me......


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

l2k said:


> She tells me that her past is something she's not proud of, but she can't change it. That she isn't like that now, and is faithful and loyal. I believe her, but sleeping with a guy last summer isn't really that far in the past.


Big Red Flag. I suspect some abuse or assault in her past. If so, I hate to say it publicly but run away. It reads to me like she is hiding a lot from you, and that itself is really really bad. It also reads to me like she is seeing you as her safe landing zone. This indicates that what she is hiding is more than a few wild drunken flings, it is something she has very deep emotional distress over. i.e. emotional trauma from abuse or assault.

If she were in her 40's and her promiscuity was say 20 years ago and since then her track record were of a good solid marriage then it would be an indication she did in fact change. Some young adults get a bit wild before they mature. I wouldn't hold it against somebody. But only a few months ago is not "in the past" in terms of making substantial changes.



l2k said:


> It makes me sick if I think about it too much, and how many guys total are there? If it's over 100, I think I would want to vomit. It wouldn't make me feel very special I guess. I know this is something I need to get over, or our relationship is doomed. Does anyone have thoughts on this, is this something I should get over, and how should I do that?


You have every right to have your own moral standards, whatever they are. She has every right to her own moral standards. If a number over X is a problem for you, it is within your rights to be uncomfortable and to reject her. It is not your burden to "overcome it". In fact, your internal threshold of X is probably hard wired, and you cannot really "overcome it", you can only suppress your emotions over it.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Who she is today is a culmination of her past. She may have done things then that she wouldn't do today. You can only judge how much she's grown (or hasn't) by how she interacts with you in your relationship today. 

I wouldn't get too hung up on her past. Her not giving you a number seems to me an effort to protect your sensibilities somewhat without lying to you. She could have pulled a number out of the air and you wouldn't have been any the wiser. At least she's trying not to start this relationship off with a lie.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Her not giving you a number seems to me an effort to protect your sensibilities somewhat without lying to you. She could have pulled a number out of the air and you wouldn't have been any the wiser. At least she's trying not to start this relationship off with a lie.


Deception *is* lying. I guess one could argue she isn't lying because she hasn't said a number and she is saying it is large enough he might not like it. But she is still trying to obscure the truth.

And I really really really disagree with failure to provide information in order to protect the other person. In reality it is an attempt to protect oneself, not the other person! It is the equivalent of blameshifting, making it the other person's fault that they are too sensitive to handle the truth.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

there was no sexual abuse as a child, but she started having sex at 14. she just told me that the number is more than 50, less than 100. i knew it would be high, but that's just disgusting to think about. 50+ guys have had sex with her? so how can it be special with me, if 50+ other guys have had the exact same experience with her? how am i going to be special? if i sat down and had 51 ice cream cones, the chances are i probably liked the first couple, and i love ice cream, so maybe the first dozen. after that, i'm going to get sick of it, and #51 isn't going to taste quite as well as number 1 or 2. if i had 50+ sexual partners, i don't know how i'd do in a long term relationship. you can't be with someone very long if you have those kinds of numbers, and so won't it just get boring with me after awhile, and she'll want to add to it? that's kind of how i feel, like what good am i going to be to her, when she's had more than enough for me and her combined.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

I know when someone is single, they are free to do as they please, but seriously, my parents are having their 50th wedding anniversary, and they aren't even inviting 50+ people to the celebration. At some point, don't you think that you might end up finding someone that you really like. Maybe that person is nice, and isn't as promiscuous as you were, and maybe they can't handle you've been with enough people to fill a restaurant. I guess that doesn't matter at the time?


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

l2k said:


> there was no sexual abuse as a child, but she started having sex at 14. she just told me that the number is more than 50, less than 100. i knew it would be high, but that's just disgusting to think about. 50+ guys have had sex with her? so how can it be special with me, if 50+ other guys have had the exact same experience with her? how am i going to be special? if i sat down and had 51 ice cream cones, the chances are i probably liked the first couple, and i love ice cream, so maybe the first dozen. after that, i'm going to get sick of it, and #51 isn't going to taste quite as well as number 1 or 2. if i had 50+ sexual partners, i don't know how i'd do in a long term relationship. you can't be with someone very long if you have those kinds of numbers, and so won't it just get boring with me after awhile, and she'll want to add to it? that's kind of how i feel, like what good am i going to be to her, when she's had more than enough for me and her combined.


Do you think the 20 women you slept with detracts from what you have had with her? You sound very insecure. This has nothing to do with how she thinks and feels and everything to do with how you feel.

I can tell you from experience as time goes on the ones you did in the past pretty much become numbers. You don't remember every single detail of every single encounter. Besides...lets just say her number is 100. You and she has sex twice a week? (I don't know I am just shooting a number out there) In a year you have sex with her more than the number of men she's been with and probably more than any other man she's been with. I think she is going to remember more and think more of the recent 100 times with you than the 100 from her past. That mind you took her roughly 25 years to accumulate and you did it in 1.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For what its worth, if any chic has her pulse on what makes a guy happy its yours. Any one thats been with that many guys has to know what makes us tick.
She may not be marriage material, but you can have your fun until she moves on.

Whats concerning is she is protraying her self to be this prim and proper reformist, when deep down she is a "bad girl".

I think she is only being half way honest with you. Sure I give her credit for admitting her past, but I think she is still hidding who she really wants to be.

It may take a guy that doesn't mind getting dirty and isn't disgusted to really make her happy. 

Keep looking brother she is not your type.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Do you think the 20 women you slept with detracts from what you have had with her? You sound very insecure. This has nothing to do with how she thinks and feels and everything to do with how you feel.
> 
> I can tell you from experience as time goes on the ones you did in the past pretty much become numbers. You don't remember every single detail of every single encounter. Besides...lets just say her number is 100. You and she has sex twice a week? (I don't know I am just shooting a number out there) In a year you have sex with her more than the number of men she's been with and probably more than any other man she's been with. I think she is going to remember more and think more of the recent 100 times with you than the 100 from her past. That mind you took her roughly 25 years to accumulate and you did it in 1.


I get what you're saying, but I know that's not the case. I know she was with some guys longer than others, so lets just say it was 100, that would average out to 4 a year, and sometimes she was in a year relationship, so that means other years she had to be with 8-12 people in a year. It's that kind of thing I can't get out of my head. The fact that random strangers, who didn't have to take the time like I did, to get to know her, talk and text to her for hours on end, and spend time with her and her daughter. They just got to f*#k her, that's the part I can't get over.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So she has had some casual relationships. I don't see what the big deal is. 

Women have to deal with double standards with this one. We're all who-ers if we just like sex with no strings attached. God forbid we have sexual urges that we want to satisfy without having to be someones girlfriend or wife. We have to have a title or we're just hookers. And the day we do want a real relationship will never come because the men we choose it with judge us and can't get past the fact that we once thought like they did. Sheesh.

And I know I'm generalizing but really I see this as a 'guy' issue more often than not.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

l2k said:


> I get what you're saying, but I know that's not the case. I know she was with some guys longer than others, so lets just say it was 100, that would average out to 4 a year, and sometimes she was in a year relationship, so that means other years she had to be with 8-12 people in a year. It's that kind of thing I can't get out of my head. The fact that random strangers, who didn't have to take the time like I did, to get to know her, talk and text to her for hours on end, and spend time with her and her daughter. They just got to f*#k her, that's the part I can't get over.


So this is jealousy? 

You have got to decide whether you can accept her past and move on. If she don't meet your standards please let her go. If you can't allow yourself to trust then move on. I really don't think it's fair to hold this against her or make her feel guilty about it.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> So she has had some casual relationships. I don't see what the big deal is.
> 
> Women have to deal with double standards with this one. We're all who-ers if we just like sex with no strings attached. God forbid we have sexual urges that we want to satisfy without having to be someones girlfriend or wife. We have to have a title or we're just hookers. And the day we do want a real relationship will never come because the men we choose it with judge us and can't get past the fact that we once thought like they did. Sheesh.
> 
> And I know I'm generalizing but really I see this as a 'guy' issue more often than not.




Yeah, basically they think that if youve slept with more than one or two guys that you were in long term relationships with, well, that youre a hore or a ****. Now my own number wasnt 50 or 100 but it wasnt 5 either. 

And having sex at age 14. Well, thats a bit much. Im still not sure she didnt have some childhood issues that she is afraid to talk about. 

So, if thats what you think of her, thays shes just a ****, just move on. Because if you do stay with her, i can see you being maybe mentally, verbally or emotional abusive towards her because you will be garboring resentment over this issue. 

Either decide to let it go for good or move on. Thays really the bottom line.

Time for me to stop beating this horse. 

I wish you well


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

Well if you really care about someone, do you want 50+ other people to know what it's like to have sex with your wife? How about your husband, would you want him to have 50-100 ex lovers? I am the same age as her, and I have had 15 partners, some I loved, some I didn't, and one I was married to. If she was a guy, I'd think she was a male ***** period, regardless of gender. Yeah, I get that we all have urges and sexual needs, but 50-100 people? Really, I always thought guys were hornier than girls?


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

She's a Korean adoptee like me, there wasn't any sexual abuse unless it was from an ex bf. She said some were worse than others, but she won't go into too much detail.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

l2k said:


> Well if you really care about someone, do you want 50+ other people to know what it's like to have sex with your wife? How about your husband, would you want him to have 50-100 ex lovers? I am the same age as her, and I have had 15 partners, some I loved, some I didn't, and one I was married to. If she was a guy, I'd think she was a male ***** period, regardless of gender. Yeah, I get that we all have urges and sexual needs, but 50-100 people? Really, I always thought guys were hornier than girls?


50 is a lot but so is 15 just saying


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Oh I know I am gonna be judged. I had that 50 at 21. 

I'll say it again. If it bothers you that much break up with her. Please.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't care what my husbands number is... we're the best of friends so I know it, and it's high... but again I don't care. He's the same about me.

It's a personal preference. You don't like her number, then let her go.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

the guy said:


> Whats concerning is she is protraying her self to be this prim and proper reformist, when deep down she is a "bad girl".
> 
> I think she is only being half way honest with you. Sure I give her credit for admitting her past, but I think she is still hidding who she really wants to be.


Telling him that she's had 50+ lovers is hardly portraying herself as "prim and proper."


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

The past is the past. I slept with someone last summer before I met my now husband. It was meaningless. At the time I was looking for a relationship and settled, but quickly realized this was not the guy for me. I regret it, but it is the past. What matters is I met my husband last summer and committed to him. She is committed to you and that is what matters. Who cares who came before as long as you are her LAST that is what matters.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Just saying. It is ok not to be comfortable in a relationship with someone with a huge number of sexual partners. Everyone has their limit.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

l2k said:


> The other thing that really is concerning for me, is that she has never had a long term relationship. nothing over a year, and she claims this has no bearing on our relationship. That just because she hasn't been with someone longer than a year, it isn't because she didn't want to or because she left. She said there were guys that she wanted to with, and they didn't. Isn't this a bit odd, for someone who's 40? I'm a guy, and I've had at least 5 relationships that went 3+ years. Aren't guys supposed to be the ones that lack commitment? She tells me that the guys she dated weren't worth long term relationships, which always brought me back to the question, then why the hell were you with them, and why did you have sex with them? It just doesn't make sense, she has this excuse for why she did that, that the guys were all bad, but then why would you continually date them, or sleep with them when you didn't want to be with them? I just can't understand that, maybe I have more morals and self worth. Maybe this isn't a good fit and I should move on? I don't know, it's just really hard when she is so afraid of telling me the number. She thinks I'm going to use it to decide on whether or not I'm going to stay. I think I just need some time to sort it all out.


Be very careful. You are right to be wary.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Her inability to make Long term relationships might be a problem to you in the long run(considering the evidence)

Her approach to sex is different to yours.(You need it be emotional, she does not!! It is just sex for her. Not judging anyone but she probably had a lot of ONS. There is a major difference in core values here)


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> She tells me that the guys she dated weren't worth long term relationships, which always brought me back to the question, then why the hell were you with them, and why did you have sex with them?


I'm sorry, OP, but this is what a lot of guys tell us they do all the time. Sex is sex and doesn't necessarily = a relationship. When they meet the right woman, they settle down... I'm not saying that this is right, but more and more women are, apparently, doing the same.

Again, if you cannot accept your GF's past, it's time to move on.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Practical things to consider:
- STD history. What does she have that's permanent? Can she have kids?
- Do you want kids? Is she a healthy enough at her age to have healthy children?
- Her long-term health
- Her financial and retirement situation


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Goldmember357 said:


> 50 is a lot but so is 15 just saying


I felt the same way.

Yes, the way this gf is wording her sexual past is off-putting to say the least.
But for someone who's been with 15+ women himself, it does come across a little bit hypocritical.

But regardless, I disagree with the people who are telling him to basically "get over it". Its important to him, and if he has a problem with her having more than one sexual partner, that's his prerogative. Its his personal moral compass, and not for anyone else to tell him to change.
HOWEVER, I do have a couple of mental nuggets for the OP to chew on:

1) can you see yourself being with this woman forever? If you do, if you think she is someone you can see yourself spending your life with, perhaps you should re-think your issues with her "number". I have low self-esteem myself, I get it. I've been with girls that had more partners or crazier sexual experiences than me, and it always bothered me. So if this woman is that special to you, than I would say at least think about all of this and perhaps consider counseling if you think she is worth it.

2) you are 40 and have had multiple serious relationships and a marriage. I wonder if there's something inside you that almost wants to sabotage something before it gets to much. I'm only speculating here, but something too think about.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

How long have you been with her? I think it is a bit telling that you didn't start out with "I really love this woman & want to marry her, but....". If you do really care about her, then you should give this more time, thought & conversation with her. Otherwise, why the struggle?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

l2k said:


> Yes, all of the women I were with I was in relationships with. I guess I can give you some background. I'm a Korean adoptee, so growing up in Mn, it was hard to find women who would date me. One because of my race, and two because I'm also kind of small for a guy, 5'6" 130 lbs. Most women thought I was too short, too skinny, so for me, I got rejected a lot. It wasn't for the lack of trying, just not a lot of opportunities. I think I was a late bloomer, because now that I'm 40 it seems like I have more opportunities, or maybe there are just more people on the planet, than there were 20 years ago, I don't know. Anyway, all of the people I slept with were girlfriends, which required multiple dates, talking, etc, before anything happened. I never just went to the bar and had a one night stand. I definitely tried when I was younger, but as stated above, it wasn't happening.* I fold her how many people I was with, and because I don't even know my total number is due more to the fact that some of them were just oral sex, and I wasn't sure if that counts as actual sex?* I didn't want to have to break it all down. The point is I told her my number, and I know it's around 15. She knows how many I have been with, yet she tells me things like she'd be mortified to find out, that she doesn't know, and would have to make a list, and that honestly it scares her if she had to think about it. That's the kinds of "adjectives" I have to go by, and it's not doing well for my thought process to have those words be a description to your girlfriends sexual past. Yes, I love her very much, and I would like to get re-married again someday. I don't take relationships lightly, if I'm with someone, there has to be the possibility of marriage. I'm too old to play games anymore, I've dated, I don't need to sow my oats. I'm ready to settle down for the long term.


Oral sex is sex... that's why it's called "oral sex"....


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

Well we talked tonight, and she told me how many guys it was exactly. She was right, it was between 50-100, but definitely closer to 100 than 50.So over 26 years of being sexually active, she said that she's not like that anymore. That her past is her past, and it doesn't "us". I asked her though, how that's possible. She's insecure in relationships, due to the fact that men treated her bad. Well if you're with 89 people over 26 years, you're averaging 3.5 people per year. It's hard to meet that many friends in a year, let alone sexual partners. I don't even know what to say or how to process the fact that 89 other men have been with her. How is it that anything I do is special to her? What do I have that is different than the other 89 guys?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

l2k said:


> Well we talked tonight, and she told me how many guys it was exactly. She was right, it was between 50-100, but definitely closer to 100 than 50.So over 26 years of being sexually active, she said that she's not like that anymore. That her past is her past, and it doesn't "us". I asked her though, how that's possible. She's insecure in relationships, due to the fact that men treated her bad. Well if you're with 89 people over 26 years, you're averaging 3.5 people per year. It's hard to meet that many friends in a year, let alone sexual partners. I don't even know what to say or how to process the fact that 89 other men have been with her. How is it that anything I do is special to her? What do I have that is different than the other 89 guys?


id run!!!! id leave!

but that's just my opinion and because of my background life views and field of work. Some other folk with pasts they are not proud of will wish to tell you that "your past means nothing" or that somehow "actions do not speak louder than words" but its all Baloney! 

read my posts man. You'll see where i am coming from. But that's if you like my views. She seems unstable and hopefully she can find someone but unless your willing to do lots of work for this woman its likely to be a stressful time being with her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

l2k said:


> Well we talked tonight, and she told me how many guys it was exactly. She was right, it was between 50-100, but definitely closer to 100 than 50.So over 26 years of being sexually active, she said that she's not like that anymore. That her past is her past, and it doesn't "us". I asked her though, how that's possible. She's insecure in relationships, due to the fact that men treated her bad. Well if you're with 89 people over 26 years, you're averaging 3.5 people per year. It's hard to meet that many friends in a year, let alone sexual partners. I don't even know what to say or how to process the fact that 89 other men have been with her. How is it that anything I do is special to her? What do I have that is different than the other 89 guys?


Be with her more than once? Have an actual relationship with her? Those are very much different from what she has done with others.

It sounds like she had a lot of one night stands. Where there a lot of just pick-ups at bars and parties?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> The people are right though...it's kind of your problem to deal with only because it is something that bothers you and you have to decide whether you can live with it or not. It's part of who I am even if that behavior NEVER resurfaces ever again.
> Maybe you will never ever understand how I could possibly compromise my standards but, like the others said, it's more complex I'm sure than I was horny and wanted sex. I probably could stand to have some counseling for lots of things, that being one of them..why I allowed myself to be with people and didn't value myself more. It's something that I do feel shame about and haven't really tapped in to much because it is uncomfortable and embarrassing and sad and all of those unpleasant things.
> And I do fear that you will judge me or worse, if given the information you're asking for. I don't feel like I should have to divulge the details because they are in my past but at the same time, I don't want you to feel like I'm harboring some deep seeded secret from you either and breed distrust in our relationship.
> 
> ...


This is from her, right?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How do you keep a count to 89 ? I would assume most people would lose count after a point!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

l2k said:


> Well we talked tonight, and *she told me how many guys it was exactly.* She was right, it was between 50-100, but definitely closer to 100 than 50.So over 26 years of being sexually active, she said that she's not like that anymore. That her past is her past, and it doesn't "us". I asked her though, how that's possible. She's insecure in relationships, due to the fact that men treated her bad. Well i*f you're with 89 people over 26 years*, you're averaging 3.5 people per year. It's hard to meet that many friends in a year, let alone sexual partners. I don't even know what to say or how to process the fact that 89 other men have been with her. How is it that anything I do is special to her? What do I have that is different than the other 89 guys?




I dont know what to think. Do people actually keep a tally of all the people they had sex with? How did she arrive at this 89 number? Does she keep a diary of her encounters? Is there a notch posts somewhere.

I would think after a couple of handfuls the numbers start blurring. 

Anyways, I get the feeling l2k will be number XC next.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

aug said:


> I dont know what to think. Do people actually keep a tally of all the people they had sex with? How did she arrive at this 89 number? Does she keep a diary of her encounters? Is there a notch posts somewhere.
> 
> I would think after a couple of handfuls the numbers start blurring.
> 
> Anyways, I get the feeling l2k will be number XC next.


I don't think they do keep count, and that's why she was resisting giving him an actual number. Like the OP, she is unsure of her actual number...


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't see much point to dwelling on her past. It's apparently torturing you. Either you accept her with her past...or you don't.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

I have to say if I was her I would probably leave him if he continued to make such a big deal out of it. It's fine to have your own set of standards but to go on and on about it and make comments about how gross and nasty her past is is not right. Also asking for any more intimate details other than the generic, where they ONS, how many relationships and the number is gonna do nothing but torture yourself. It's like the idiot who asks "have you been with anyone bigger than me?"

ACCEPT OR MOVE ON......


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

She didn't know off the top of her head, she had to make a list, which is startling if you have to make a list to tally up the ppl you've slept with. I get that I have to accept this part of her, but as a guy it's hard to accept that 89 other guys have slept with your gf/wife. I asked her twice before we got serious, and she never told me. I had no idea it was 89, I thought 20 or 30 was a lot. Had I known from the beginning that she was that many other guys, there's no way I would have gotten involved. I never imagined that it could possibly be that many. I just didn't think about what number of sexual partners would mortify me. I guess I should have pressed this issue before we got involved, but who goes into a relationship thinking their SO has slept with that many ppl? Here's my other point, she says she loves me, and would marry me. I could see myself with her long term too, if we continued I know I would definitely see myself marrying her. Yet, she has never had a relationship longer than a year. Not one long term relationship. Think about that, out of 89 guys she liked enough to have sex with, 0 of them were LTR. I've been with 15 people, and I've had 5 relationships that went over 3 years, including one marriage. That's 1/3, she's at 0%. So what makes me think that I'm going to be any different than the other 89 guys?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

l2k said:


> So what makes me think that I'm going to be any different than the other 89 guys?


None of us have any guarantees when we engage in a relationship. To me...you keep your eyes and ears open and judge your prospective partner based on how she interacts with you...not how she interacted with people prior to you. Have the discussions about attitudes towards sex, towards money, towards lifestyle, towards children etc from a forward looking perspective to make sure you're aligned keeping in mind no one can change their past...good or bad.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Had I known from the beginning that she was that many other guys, there's no way I would have gotten involved. I never imagined that it could possibly be that many.


But you do know now, OP. It does bother you, so don't make the mistake of getting married to her unless you are absolutely certain that you are able to come to terms with her past. It isn't going to go away.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

What are your opinions on this, I love this woman very much. We talk all the time, all day, until we go to bed. She's my best friend, and I do love her a lot, but it's also so new to me. I've never had to deal with something like this, and trust that how she is with me now, isn't going to change. I've had ex gf's in the past leave, and I know there aren't any guarantees in life. I can accept that it's in her past, and that who she is with me isn't what she was like then. That she must love me, because she didn't want to tell me, but I basically forced her to. I fell in love with her before I knew. Can she be loyal and satisfied with just me, she tells me that she can and has proven it so far.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

l2k said:


> What are your opinions on this, I love this woman very much. We talk all the time, all day, until we go to bed. She's my best friend, and I do love her a lot, but it's also so new to me. I've never had to deal with something like this, and trust that how she is with me now, isn't going to change. I've had ex gf's in the past leave, and I know there aren't any guarantees in life. I can accept that it's in her past, and that who she is with me isn't what she was like then. That she must love me, because she didn't want to tell me, but I basically forced her to. I fell in love with her before I knew. Can she be loyal and satisfied with just me, she tells me that she can and has proven it so far.


OP, IMO, there's no reason why she can't be any more / less loyal and faithful to you than any other woman. She may have had a large number of sex partners in the past but, for all you know, you are the man she always hoped she'd find, but didn't until she met you. Personally, I believe people _can _change if they want to, and perhaps your GF has done just that.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

She could argue that you've emotional commitment to 5 other women (something she's never had), so what is special about her? 

If you guys have a deep connection, then I think you're an idiot if you let something like this prevent you from enjoying what sounds like a good, loving relationship. 

Some people on this board are often quick to suggest leaving a relationship, but the reality is that a true, deep emotional connection with someone is rare. "Love" is magic in that ways, and not to be trifled with.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Perhaps she similarly fears you'll always be comparing her bedroom performance, let alone her housekeeping, or cooking to your first wife. How does she know that she'll be special to you, and she won't always be a second-place replacement for a previous relationship that went south?

She doesn't, really. There's a certain inherent risk in relationships, as one person can never really 100% know what another is thinking. Yet - you said she has been loyal, and seems truly committed to your relationship. And that is the only information you truly have to work with. 

If you want to have this relationship last, I'd suggest counseling, you obviously need to work on this. You can't continue a LTR calling her or thinking she is nasty and disgusting the entire time. Do you use that during disagreements?

And if you don't want to make that commitment, and honestly isn't beyond what you can handle, end the relationship. But - staying around, and placing her under heavy moral judgement, isn't really fair. You've had a divorce, and slept with 15 women (maybe more, if the oral "counts"), I'm sure by some people you are beyond their moral boundaries too, that's very individual.

Edited to add: I hate suggesting people leave relationships, and don't like to make that suggestion. But - I'd rather have a relationship end than it turn into a hot mess of emotional abuse because of a deep-seated issue.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would rarely suggest to someone to leave a relationship, either, Starstarfish, but if there is an issue that the couple truly can't move beyond, and it has the potential to turn the relationship toxic, I would encourage them to not progress the relationship further.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

l2k said:


> What are your opinions on this, I love this woman very much. We talk all the time, all day, until we go to bed. She's my best friend, and I do love her a lot, but it's also so new to me. I've never had to deal with something like this, and trust that how she is with me now, isn't going to change. I've had ex gf's in the past leave, and I know there aren't any guarantees in life. I can accept that it's in her past, and that who she is with me isn't what she was like then. That she must love me, because she didn't want to tell me, but I basically forced her to. I fell in love with her before I knew. Can she be loyal and satisfied with just me, she tells me that she can and has proven it so far.


What you decide to do is your decision, but you have to think about what standards/values you have. Personally I could never be with a man who slept around. To me, sex is something that is shared between 2 people who are in love and committed to one another. That is a value I have and I know my husband felt/feels that way as well. If I found out he had slept around with multiple women and didn't see sex as something that is important, then I would never stay with him. I couldn't be with a man who didn't share that same core value. Your girlfriend obviously doesn't see sex as something special because she'll sleep with just about anyone with the number of men she's been with. Actions speak louder than words! She may say she's no longer like she was in the past, but those are her actions and it wasn't even long ago before she met you. I doubt she's changed in such a short amount of time.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> Perhaps she similarly fears you'll always be comparing her bedroom performance, let alone her housekeeping, or cooking to your first wife. How does she know that she'll be special to you, and she won't always be a second-place replacement for a previous relationship that went south?
> 
> She doesn't, really. There's a certain inherent risk in relationships, as one person can never really 100% know what another is thinking. Yet - you said she has been loyal, and seems truly committed to your relationship. And that is the only information you truly have to work with.
> 
> ...


I already know from past failed relationships, that whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I couldn't stop my ex wife from leaving, and now looking back, it was probably the best thing that happened to me. Who would want to force someone to stay with them, I want someone who wants to be with me. I've had counseling when I went through my divorce, and she has already admitted that she probably needs counseling to figure out why she was like that. I just found out yesterday, how many guys she was with, so no, I don't use it against her in arguments, and I know that I can't hold it against her, and that I can't look at her with disgust. It's just hard after you feel like they hid that from you, because it affects how you view them. I had a drug problem for 8 years, and I tell anyone who is even thinking anything romantic with me, about this. I quit in 2003, but I'm still a recovering addict, and I know as an addict that I can't promise tomorrow to anyone, but today, I'm sober. I know you can use the same scenario, that because it was in her past, it's not who she is today. But my whole point is, that I tell people before I get involved, so that they know my past, the risks involved with dating me, and can make a decision, based on all the facts. She never told me this before we got involved.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Because some people don't view it as a big deal. The discussion does come up, like it did in my relationship early on but most of us don't feel the need to confess in the first few dates what our # is.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Because some people don't view it as a big deal. The discussion does come up, like it did in my relationship early on but most of us don't feel the need to confess in the first few dates what our # is.


I didn't ask her right away or on a date, but when it looked like we were getting more serious, yeah I asked. I think it's important information, that obviously tells you a lot about a person. If I'm a guy, and I've had some serious relationships, and maybe even been married, it's proven that I willing to commit. Even though I guess some of you may look at it like I fall in love with 5 different people, therefore I must fall in love easy. The fact that I committed to the women I was with shows that I can commit. If I had 100 gf's, and have never been married or in a relationship longer than a year, wouldn't you want to know that ahead of time? Before you start to develop strong feelings for that person?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't know what else you want to hear at this point... that you're right about this and she's wrong?

What you wanted to know before investing your feelings with her didn't happen. Can't unring that bell. What are you going to do about what you have in front of you right now?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If it was a big deal, and you wanted to know up front - why didn't you ask before this point? If you never flat out asked her she wasn't hiding anything, she probably figured you didn't care. 

At what point did you consider yourself "involved." Do you mean, before you were sleeping with her? Again, if it was going to be very important, why didn't you ask?

Or - is it only important now, because of what the answer is?

Edited to answer: That's something entirely different than her "hiding" the information from you. You didn't ask, but expected her to volunteer the information. Which, that seems like splitting hairs to me, you weren't going to like the answer either way. 

So, now you know the answer, the only choice you have is what to do with that information.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you guys financial equals? Do you stay together?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I have to say if I was her I would probably leave him if he continued to make such a big deal out of it. It's fine to have your own set of standards but to go on and on about it and make comments about how gross and nasty her past is is not right. Also asking for any more intimate details other than the generic, where they ONS, how many relationships and the number is gonna do nothing but torture yourself. It's like the idiot who asks "have you been with anyone bigger than me?"
> 
> ACCEPT OR MOVE ON......



Next! Moving on to number 91.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

aug said:


> Next! Moving on to number 91.


Well it's the old "sht or get off the pot" thing.

Hey if it was an issue for a man I dated, I would gladly have moved on to 51 or was it 61? Oh well. We can all find fault in anyone.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

l2k said:


> What are your opinions on this, I love this woman very much. We talk all the time, all day, until we go to bed. She's my best friend, and I do love her a lot, but it's also so new to me. I've never had to deal with something like this, and trust that how she is with me now, isn't going to change. I've had ex gf's in the past leave, and I know there aren't any guarantees in life. I can accept that it's in her past, and that who she is with me isn't what she was like then. That she must love me, because she didn't want to tell me, but I basically forced her to. I fell in love with her before I knew. Can she be loyal and satisfied with just me, she tells me that she can and has proven it so far.




So with this:


l2k said:


> I could see myself with her long term too, if we continued I know I would definitely see myself marrying her. Yet, *she has never had a relationship longer than a year.* Not one long term relationship.


I suggest this...

Stay in this relationship for 1.5 years (that's half a year longer than her best record).

If you still think she's the one for you, engage. Let the engagement be for, say, at least 1 year.

If after 2.5 years, she had not strayed like one-night-stand or sex on the side, and she stays faithful to you and is honest and trustworthy, then seriously consider doing the vows.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> If it was a big deal, and you wanted to know up front - why didn't you ask before this point? If you never flat out asked her she wasn't hiding anything, she probably figured you didn't care.
> 
> At what point did you consider yourself "involved." Do you mean, before you were sleeping with her? Again, if it was going to be very important, why didn't you ask?
> 
> ...


I asked her twice, we met on fb, and I asked her before we ever met in person. She ignored the question the first time, I asked her a second time after we met, and she said something like I had a wild side, and went through a phase speech. I thought that she would tell me after I had asked her twice, and I guess I didn't pursue it to the point where I stood over her shoulder, but maybe I should have. I also thought if it were a lot as she seem to be saying involuntarily, how many could it be? 89 wasn't even on my radar as being a lot. I know people have different ideas of how many sexual partners are a lot, but only a porn star would think that's a low number.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I didn't pursue it to the point where I stood over her shoulder, but maybe I should have


I have a question.

Why weren't her answers to you then satisfactory? I'm very curious.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I have a question.
> 
> Why weren't her answers to you then satisfactory? I'm very curious.


The first time she ignored the question, and the second time she didn't really answer it, just said she was wilder when she was younger, and that she went through a "phase". It wasn't satisfactory, that's why I kept asking. I don't remember how many times I asked, but why should I have to repeatedly ask a question that is important to me? She probably thought she could get by with giving me a vague answer, but I don't forget and I kept coming back to it. Like I said, I had no idea the kind volume we were talking, that high of number isn't something I could even comprehend.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

She wrote me this:

I love you very much. I appreciate, in some weird way, that you are holding me accountable for my actions in the past because you are right, they do affect everything in my life now whether I want them to or not or whether I think they do or not. I know that it must be difficult to love me and look at me and know that I haven't always valued myself the way that you do or that I allowed myself to be treated badly or that I treated myself badly. I would take it all back in a heartbeat if I could.
*
I don't know how you go from an innocent young girl to someone who sleeps with many people. I haven't ever delved in to this with therapists but probably could benefit from it. I can only give you what I feel is my own explanation for behavior that I think I probably like to just forget about. I have always been somewhat the same socially; I knew lots of people, sometimes did things with them, but for the most part was alone in my room listening to music, reading, or being on my own. I wasn't really popular with girls in high school and went to two different schools so I didnt' really have a strong group of friends in either. Guys paid attention to me and that, for whatever reason, was more important to me than cultivating female friendships. I was lonely a lot and wasn't allowed to really go out and do much but I did always manage to have a boyfriend or a guy friend it seemed. That carried on throughout my 20s really. I went from guy to guy in sad relationships that always seemed to go the same way...me being jealous, me being clingy, or them being jerks and me leaving. Even though I was with someone, I know that I was always lonely. You and I both medicated our pain away with drugs, I also medicated with men. It wasn't until I had Kaiya that I no longer felt that palpable emptiness. She gave me purpose and took away much of the loneliness I felt. I guess I didn't really explain why I did what I did....I wasn't sexually abused to my knowledge, although the things that were said to me as a child by strange men*were certainly abusive in nature and certainly messed with my head.
*
I wonder, had you had more opportunities, if you would have been the same with women. Maybe not, but maybe you would have. I wish I could erase all of it because you are right, here I am, in love with someone who didn't conduct himself that way in his life and trying to convince him that I'm not that person and that I won't be that person and it seems like it's impossible almost. Maybe this is something that is a deal breaker for you; that it's just too terrible to forget and even forgive me, even though I didn't commit an indiscretion directly towards you. But forgive me for being deeply flawed in my past and making poor decisions and not valuing myself and getting pregnant by Jonas and getting HPV and being irresponsible and not being a woman that you can be proud of. If you can't forgive me for my past, or you can't forget my past, then I understand. I suppose it's not something that many people can or should understand unless there's has been somewhat the same.
*
I know that you fear that I won't think you are special to me or that I will tire of you and leave you. These are fears that I believe you have regardless of the number of partners your girlfriend happens to have had. I understand these fears based on your past and I can't tell you to not have them. I understand that, based on my past, these fears become greater because my past indicates that I can't commit and that I am sexually insatiable and will get bored and move on. I like to think that this is not who I am, that I love you and understand and desire a monogamous and deep relationship with you. It does not occur to me to cheat on you or to go outside of our relationship to meet my needs. I know that that must be hard to believe, I have to prove to you that I have these feelings and am committed to you. I have described to you how I feel about you and how I feel differently about you and that I knew right away that I liked you. The feelings that I have for you are more profound I think because yes, we are both Korean adoptees and not only do I see myself in you but I believe you feel the same. Adoptee similarities aside, we just love each other. I know we do. We can't hang up the phone when we chat, we can't be apart from each other and when we're together we are clearly deeply engaged with one another. The sexual chemistry is huge and it's not got anything to do with how skilled or not skilled we happen to be. It's because it's just us. It's not like anything else and that's not a comparison to anyone or anything but us. My feelings for you are my feelings for you and that is all I know.
*
Ultimately, this is up to you. It's my entire past that you have to contend with and I can imagine that that is hard to do. I hope you can. I hope you can find it in yourself to not think about this and not hold it against me or find me repulsive because of it.
*
*


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

l2k said:


> The first time she ignored the question, and the second time she didn't really answer it, just said she was wilder when she was younger, and that she went through a "phase". It wasn't satisfactory, that's why I kept asking. I don't remember how many times I asked, but why should I have to repeatedly ask a question that is important to me? She probably thought she could get by with giving me a vague answer, but I don't forget and I kept coming back to it. Like I said, I had no idea the kind volume we were talking, that high of number isn't something I could even comprehend.


You didn't really answer the question. WHY did her answers not satisfy you? You realize that not everyone is comfortable talking about their past? She could have been ashamed of her behavior. You're not a therapist or a priest which she has to confess all to. I think your pressuring her to give you an answer says more about you than her past does about her.

At any rate, the bottom line is if you can't handle what you know about her then stop stringing this along and cut your losses. I don't see you getting over it the more you post.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> You didn't really answer the question. WHY did her answers not satisfy you? You realize that not everyone is comfortable talking about their past? She could have been ashamed of her behavior. You're not a therapist or a priest which she has to confess all to. I think your pressuring her to give you an answer says more about you than her past does about her.
> 
> At any rate, the bottom line is if you can't handle what you know about her then stop stringing this along and cut your losses. I don't see you getting over it the more you post.


Because telling me you were wild and had a phase isn't enough information for me to come up with an idea. Just like giving me a range between 50-100 wasn't. If someone you were interested in romantically answered you with i was wild, and had a phase when you asked them how many sexual partners they had, would you be satisfied with that answer, or would you want to know more?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't **** shame her for her sexual past. That is abusive. You can not be ok and move on or try to adjust to the situation. From her post, it seems that you are making her feel horrible and incredibly guilty for her past.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My $.02 and it's somewhat unrelated to the direct issue....cause frankly she sounds pretty sincere and I think you need to get past it. But my thought is, if you stay with her, whatever you do don't let her fall into the "I'm a good wife now" trap. I've seen this a bunch of times on this website.....girl has a very sexual past, then she gets the guy she wants but doesn't want him to think poorly of her, so she stops all the good stuff and only gives you once a month missionary sex so you'll think she's a good girl.

By the way, it sounds like your behavior is the type that could cause that very thing. You're very judgmental (sorry, you are). And that's not the way to be if you want to have a wife who is open sexually for the long term. Your actions are the type that shut women down sexually every day.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

l2k... Clearly you aren't OK with this whole stuff. And, despite what some people with the politically correct virus tells you, it's perfectly ok if you don't want a woman with this past. We all have our selection criteria. You yourself were rejected because you did not met other women's criteria. You're entitled to your own criteria. 

Opinions of others are irrelevant. They are not you. You either can live with this or not. If you do it just to be politically correct then you are probably heading to something not good. 

This is obviously big for you, so think carefully.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

That would make this hypocritical to the point of almost being sad, if OP was really enjoying the "benefits" of that sexual past but then shaming her about it. 

I agree, I mean - if you can't do anything sexually without constantly being harassed about how you know about it, or who you did it with, and how many, and how often. Why bother?


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> That would make this hypocritical to the point of almost being sad, if OP was really enjoying the "benefits" of that sexual past but then shaming her about it.
> 
> I agree, I mean - if you can't do anything sexually without constantly being harassed about how you know about it, or who you did it with, and how many, and how often. Why bother?


I'm not shaming her, I may sound judgmental, but I just found out the number yesterday, I was a bit upset for being blindsided by this. I think I have a right to vent and be upset by this, I don't sit there and tell her she's wh*re or anything, and I'm not a jerk about it by being degrading. I think I have a right to question her for a couple of days, when that's all she does to me, because of her insecurities from having a past like this. I asked her blunt questions, but I feel like I have the right to know. Especially from the health factor alone. I just want to know if this is something that I can get past. I think I can with time, and no, I wouldn't stay with her and treat her like crap, just because it's politically correct or anything. Neither one of us getting any younger, and I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I will not hold this against her in arguments, sexually, or think that it's ok to cheat because my number is smaller. It will be as if nothing happened if I accept this and continue our relationship. My bigger question that nobody really answered is if this woman has not had a LTR with 89 people, how can I ignore the numbers? I'm not a math wiz, but isn't that 0%? So yeah, I can get past the past, but all the numbers say that it won't last. Is it possible that after all of her past, she can settle down with me and stay with me? That's my biggest question in all of this.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> My bigger question that nobody really answered is if this woman has not had a LTR with 89 people, how can I ignore the numbers? I'm not a math wiz, but isn't that 0%? So yeah, I can get past the past, but all the numbers say that it won't last. Is it possible that after all of her past, she can settle down with me and stay with me? That's my biggest question in all of this.


OP, nobody can answer that question because we don't know your GF or why she chose to have so many sex partners. Trite as it might sound, only time will tell.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She did not withold the number from you out of love! She may have felt shame or she may have beem protecting her own interests. She was not protecting your interests. She feared you would dump her. 

If your only concern is whether she can have a ltr then the only sure answer is to give it a go. You risk her leaving but other than that yyou risk nothing by going all-in on aa relationship.

I still see red flags and would not marry her any time soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I'd be cautious about getting into a relationship with anyone who hasn't had an LTR by age 40+... Regardless of the number of partners they've had. Not saying it's true in all cases, but there's a reason why nobody has wanted to be with them in an LTR.

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

l2k said:


> I'm not shaming her, I may sound judgmental, but I just found out the number yesterday, I was a bit upset for being blindsided by this. I think I have a right to vent and be upset by this, I don't sit there and tell her she's wh*re or anything, and I'm not a jerk about it by being degrading. I think I have a right to question her for a couple of days, when that's all she does to me, because of her insecurities from having a past like this. I asked her blunt questions, but I feel like I have the right to know. Especially from the health factor alone. I just want to know if this is something that I can get past. I think I can with time, and no, I wouldn't stay with her and treat her like crap, just because it's politically correct or anything. Neither one of us getting any younger, and I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I will not hold this against her in arguments, sexually, or think that it's ok to cheat because my number is smaller. It will be as if nothing happened if I accept this and continue our relationship. My bigger question that nobody really answered is if this woman has not had a LTR with 89 people, how can I ignore the numbers? I'm not a math wiz, but isn't that 0%? So yeah, I can get past the past, but all the numbers say that it won't last. Is it possible that after all of her past, she can settle down with me and stay with me? That's my biggest question in all of this.


You were married for about 2 years? What were your longest relationship?


It seems to me that neither of you has a strong history of long term relationships. You both have slept around... though she did at a rate 4 times yours. But then you have a many year drug addiction history. Neither of you sound like a person with a history I would want to be involved with.

My point is that you have every right to decide what parameters you use to choose a partner. However, you seem more than a bit hypocritical in that you are judging her much harsher than you judge yourself.

Perhaps we are seeing why you have no real long term relationships in your past (2 years is not really long term for a 40 year old man). I’m wondering if this is a pattern with you… that after a while, once you know all of a woman’s flaws, you find the reasons why you could not possibly stay with them.

Her letter to you is a wonderful letter. I feel badly for her as she cannot have a relationship with you because you judge her in a way that will make her forever ashamed of a past. I just hope that she is wise enough to leave you now that this has happened. I wonder how you would feel in a relationship with a person who would rub your drug use in your face all the time. A past drug addiction is a huge red flag.


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## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

l2k said:


> So my current gf has told me somethings during our dating, that are bothersome to me. She's been with a lot of guys, or what I guess I would consider a lot of guys, because she won't tell me the total number. I have been with less than 20 women, I want to say more like 15ish. We are both 40, so I know with age comes more number of partners if you're not married. I was married for 2 years, and she has never been. But she says things like if knew the number of guys I slept with you would probably be mortified. Or things like if my daughter ever did what I did I'd kill her. So for me, I was never the type to sleep around, so I can't understand this. She said she is no longer like this, but yet last summer, she slept with some guy she knew growing up, but didn't love him. That kind of thing just bothers me, and yes, it was before me, but even so. You knew that someday you would find someone that you would care about, so having sex with a bunch of random guys isn't necessarily going to show this guy that you are the type of person you should consider marrying. What if 3 years into our relationship, you're just not satisfied with one man, and start to long for something new. She tells me that her past is something she's not proud of, but she can't change it. That she isn't like that now, and is faithful and loyal. I believe her, but sleeping with a guy last summer isn't really that far in the past. It makes me sick if I think about it too much, and how many guys total are there? If it's over 100, I think I would want to vomit. It wouldn't make me feel very special I guess. I know this is something I need to get over, or our relationship is doomed. Does anyone have thoughts on this, is this something I should get over, and how should I do that?


I think you need to get over it. But... talk to her and let her know it bothers you and you would appreciate it if she did not casually bring it up. Both of you should just leave it in the past.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You were married for about 2 years? What were your longest relationship?
> 
> 
> It seems to me that neither of you has a strong history of long term relationships. You both have slept around... though she did at a rate 4 times yours. But then you have a many year drug addiction history. Neither of you sound like a person with a history I would want to be involved with.
> ...


I was married for 2 years, together with my ex wife for a total of 5 years. I've slept with exactly 15 people she's been with 89, that's 6x as many not 4, and out of my 15 relationships, 5 went over 3+ years, my longest being 10. Don't sit there and tell me you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with either of us, you don't know me or my ex... PERIOD. I challenge you to find a guy in his 40's that has been with less people. I bet if you took a survey of 100 men, my numbers would be the exception, not the norm. And FYI, I got us 3 different marriage counselors, and went through 2 separations to try and save my marriage, so don't sit there on your high horse saying I'm judging her, when you're doing the exact same thing. I didn't ask if you wanted to date me. 

She ALSO has a drug history, which she blamed on the large amount of guys she slept with. I have the same drug history, but I didn't medicate myself with sex either.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

l2k said:


> I'm not shaming her, I may sound judgmental, but I just found out the number yesterday, I was a bit upset for being blindsided by this. I think I have a right to vent and be upset by this, I don't sit there and tell her she's wh*re or anything, and I'm not a jerk about it by being degrading. I think I have a right to question her for a couple of days, when that's all she does to me, because of her insecurities from having a past like this. I asked her blunt questions, but I feel like I have the right to know. Especially from the health factor alone. I just want to know if this is something that I can get past. I think I can with time, and no, I wouldn't stay with her and treat her like crap, just because it's politically correct or anything. Neither one of us getting any younger, and I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I will not hold this against her in arguments, sexually, or think that it's ok to cheat because my number is smaller. It will be as if nothing happened if I accept this and continue our relationship. My bigger question that nobody really answered is if this woman has not had a LTR with 89 people, how can I ignore the numbers? I'm not a math wiz, but isn't that 0%? So yeah, I can get past the past, but all the numbers say that it won't last. Is it possible that after all of her past, she can settle down with me and stay with me? That's my biggest question in all of this.


1. Okay, you know the # now. Process it. Don't post any more about it. See if you can "let it go" in a week. If you're not over it in a week, you never will be. Let her go.

2. "Neither of us is getting any younger." Yep, a real good reason to try for a long term relationship with someone you already are holding something over her head. You say you aren't/won't.. but, I'd bet that if you split up in say 3-4 months from now, you'd blame her # of past. Cut losses now, let her go.

3. "How can I ignore the numbers?"/ "After all her past, can she settle down with me & stay faithful?" Clearly, your mind is already telling you no. Do you really need all these people to keep telling you "no"? They have time & time again in these replies, but you say no one has given you the answer. You either really want someone to say "YEAH, She'll be 100% faithful". or... you're still upset that YOU'RE going to be the one to cut off the relationship. Face it. You probably will not last long term with her. Cut losses now, LET HER GO.


Yes, it might hurt her a bit now, but, for her sake, I think she'll be better without you. & Visa-versa.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She ALSO has a drug history, which she blamed on the large amount of guys she slept with.


Huh? Can you tell a bit more about this?

Can you also tell us if you are financial equals? What is the financial dynamic between you two ? Do you earn a lot more than her ?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm quite sure there are a fair number of 40 year old men, some who have been married since a younger age who have "been with" less people. So, I'm not sure that holds the same amount of weight as you might imagine, at least to third parties examining this situation. 

Also, while slightly off-topic, what inspired you to marry the Ex-W with whom you were together for 5 years, but not the woman with whom you were together for ten years? Was she not interested in getting married? Did you never ask her? Did she say no? 

I think that could be a far more interesting discussion than always coming back to the virtuous paradigm about how many women you've slept with. Why did your longest-term relationship end?

I think, while unrelated directly to the questions about your GFs sexual past, while you are examining your current relationship, it might be the time to revisit your past ones, and see what you can reflect about - what worked, what didn't work, what you were looking for in a partner. 

Because, perhaps part of this is you know, or some part of you knows she isn't up to other expectations/standards that you expect? Are you placing fears caused by past partners on her? Was loyalty a problem in your other relationships, and thus your concerns she'll be able to be loyal?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

l2k said:


> I was married for 2 years, together with my ex wife for a total of 5 years. I've slept with exactly 15 people she's been with 89, that's 6x as many not 4, and out of my 15 relationships, 5 went over 3+ years, my longest being 10. Don't sit there and tell me you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with either of us, you don't know me or my ex... PERIOD. I challenge you to find a guy in his 40's that has been with less people. I bet if you took a survey of 100 men, my numbers would be the exception, not the norm. And FYI, I got us 3 different marriage counselors, and went through 2 separations to try and save my marriage, so don't sit there on your high horse saying I'm judging her, when you're doing the exact same thing. I didn't ask if you wanted to date me.
> 
> She ALSO has a drug history, which she blamed on the large amount of guys she slept with. I have the same drug history, but I didn't medicate myself with sex either.


Actually, at 45, my number is 5... Finding people (men or women) who haven't slept around a lot isn't that difficult.

C


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> Actually, at 45, my number is 5... Finding people (men or women) who haven't slept around a lot isn't that difficult.
> 
> C


:iagree:

My partner is 45 and his number was 3, which makes he and I just about equal.

Edited to add: He's never been married and I've been divorced for over 25 year. Neither of us are LD...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

A couple of thoughts:

1. Her lack of any relationship over a year is the most troublesome to me. Seems she has really poor choices in men. That, coupled with her number and drug abuse history, is something she needs to really get a handle on in individual therapy. If you decide to work on this relationship, this should be a requirements, as should you getting therapy because ...

2. You don't seem to be all that great of a catch based on your posting. Whether you intend it or not, you come across as judgmental in your posts (and based on you gf's response, you probably come across that way in conversations with her). Add to that you drub abuse history and it seems like you have more than a couple of issues to address as well. 

3. Finally, based on your posts, the really difference between you and your gf is that she has been more successful in having meaningless sex. By your own admission, you tried to have ONS but failed. She did not. So why are you morally better than her? Your intent was the same as hers. It is a little like arguing that you are morally better because although you are both contract killers, you were a poorer shot so did not kill as many people. 

Remember, you don't have to marry her tomorrow. You can continue the relationship while working through these issues. But you have to be fair to her - and by that I mean honest and kind. You can't be cruel about her past, or call her names and throw it in her face. You need to honestly try to work through it with her, and if you can't let her know gently. If you can't do that, you need to break it off with her.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Huh? Can you tell a bit more about this?
> 
> Can you also tell us if you are financial equals? What is the financial dynamic between you two ? Do you earn a lot more than her ?


We make about the same, I make more but it's not an extreme amount.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Basically if i wanted to know about my future wifes past and she was unwilling to tell me I would say she is not ready to marry me. If it is imprtant to me it is important to me. Period. I don't care about other peoples social or political agendas. My agenda is what counts to me.
> 
> The thing is you are correct in getting this answered now. After you marry is not the time.
> 
> ...


I couldn't say it better!

Everyone has their own criteria and there's nothing wrong with being picky.
Personally, someone's past matters to me and can also predict their future behavior. 
Everyone has their level of tolerance/intolerance. 

About her:
1-Not having had a LTR by the age of 40 and ;
2-Having had multiple partners beyond a normal number;

...are two important things that should not be ignored and it speaks volumes about the fact that you and her have different views about some moral values and relationships. 

If I were you, I wouldn't see her as marriage material and if her past bothered me, I would break up and let her have her own life with other people who are comfortable with her past.

OP, What do you want more? 
She's been honest with you. 
If you don't like it, LEAVE HER!


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> A couple of thoughts:
> 
> 1. Her lack of any relationship over a year is the most troublesome to me. Seems she has really poor choices in men. That, coupled with her number and drug abuse history, is something she needs to really get a handle on in individual therapy. If you decide to work on this relationship, this should be a requirements, as should you getting therapy because ...
> 
> ...



We both know we would need marriage counseling, and she has also said that she should probably see a therapist about her past. I know we both have issues, and that neither one of us is "all that good of a catch", but we are still humans. We are both adoptees, and being abandoned as a child has unknown emotional scares that come out in other ways, we both used drugs for awhile to medicate. I don't pretend that I'm god's gift to women, and that I'm an ideal husband, my first marriage failed. I know that if you put in the time and effort, you can over come a lot of problems, this forum is full of posts of stories. Some of them the posts I read are crazy, messed up, yet they work it out in the end. I know it's possible, and I probably came off as being harsh, because I just found out. I think that ones advice is right, let it go, and if I'm not over it in a week, I may never be.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

So many things to say. I hope they make sense alone and together.

First two Korean adoptees who meet on facebook. Maybe I'd be wrong but I'd take the bet that your first wife wasn't Korean.
I'm tempted to say that unfortunately I have first hand knowledge about a Korean adoption but all things considered I think I am fortunate for that experience.

How is her relationship with her adoptive parents? I'm sure you've compared notes about your childhoods and if you haven't you certainly should. So much hurt and damage is felt by abandonment and self-esteem issues that can direct the actions of people in their adult lives.

You have raw numbers and you seem to try to use them mathematically. Maybe you should gently try to establish a timeline for her sexual past. You mentioned a guy she knew before that she connected briefly with last year before meeting you. Was he a rareity? Was he one of dozens in the past few years or has she been someone whoes recent activities would track those of a person you could say is aceptable to you?

How does she care for her daughter? Does she seem to be a good example for her in forming her future character? Would you consider having a child with her?

We only have your posts to read and gather information with which to try to give an opinion. It seems that you have only been with her for six months but have talked about marriage and a future. Can both your ages be a tickking clock factor in your uneasiness in weighing this relationship going forward? Ask youself a simple question. When I am with her and have my doubts am I happier than when I'm not with her?

I know that your mind is thinking non-stop about your original thread question and I have given you so many more things to consider. Talk about them with your woman and see if between the two of you you can come to terms with them. Find out if you can solve mutual problems or matters cooperatively and you'll know how to or if you can or want to solve the inital issue.

Good luck son,

Seasalt

I type too slow. I think you're on track.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

l2k said:


> We both know we would need marriage counseling, and she has also said that she should probably see a therapist about her past. I know we both have issues, and that neither one of us is "all that good of a catch", but we are still humans. We are both adoptees, and being abandoned as a child has unknown emotional scares that come out in other ways, we both used drugs for awhile to medicate. I don't pretend that I'm god's gift to women, and that I'm an ideal husband, my first marriage failed. I know that if you put in the time and effort, you can over come a lot of problems, this forum is full of posts of stories. Some of them the posts I read are crazy, messed up, yet they work it out in the end. I know it's possible, and I probably came off as being harsh, because I just found out. *I think that ones advice is right, let it go, and if I'm not over it in a week, I may never be*.


Perhaps, but you still need counselling to figure yourself out. For example, why do you consider yourself moral superior to her based only on your failure and her success? Your intent was both the same, she was just better at it. You need to work through that regardless of what happens to this relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

l2k said:


> I was married for 2 years, together with my ex wife for a total of 5 years. I've slept with exactly 15 people she's been with 89, that's 6x as many not 4,


You said earlier that the number 15 does not include sexual encounters that were just blow jobs. BJ’s are sex. Hence the number is higher than 15.


l2k said:


> and out of my 15 relationships, 5 went over 3+ years, my longest being 10.


The length on these relationships is new info. You have not shared this up to now. 
1 x 5 = 5 (your marriage+)
3 x 3 = 9
1x10 = 10
5+9+10 = 24


So out of a 40 year life you spent 24 years in relationships of 3 years or more. This means that you started at 16 years old. When did you have time for 10 other sexual relationships in between these and a bunch of quick bj encounters? Your numbers do not add up unless you were cheating on the women you were in long term relationships with.


Also when, according to things you have said on other posts, you number is closer to 20+ when you throw in the bj only encounters… her numbers are 4 times yours, not 6.



l2k said:


> Don't sit there and tell me you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with either of us, you don't know me or my ex... PERIOD.


So the women you are here talking about is your ex? You’ve broken up with her?

I would not be in a relationship with either of you because of your previous drug additions. That alone is a HUGE deal breaker. So yes I can tell you that I would not date a person equivalent to either of you on that basis alone.


l2k said:


> I challenge you to find a guy in his 40's that has been with less people. I bet if you took a survey of 100 men, my numbers would be the exception, not the norm. And FYI, I got us 3 different marriage counselors, and went through 2 separations to try and save my marriage,


I know guys in their 40’s and 50’s who have not slept with as many women as you have. 


l2k said:


> so don't sit there on your high horse saying I'm judging her, when you're doing the exact same thing. I didn't ask if you wanted to date me.


Hm, you don’t like it when people make a judgment of you do you? Well we all make judgments. My point is that while you are so busy on your high horse judging this woman you are with now, you have done a lot of the same things that she has done…. From drug abuse to a fair amount of casual sex. Sure her numbers are higher for the casual sex than yours (and BJ’s count). But you are judging her on things like her sleeping with a man she was not in love with. You have clearly had sex and bj’s with a number of women whom you are not in love with.



l2k said:


> She ALSO has a drug history, which she blamed on the large amount of guys she slept with. I have the same drug history, but I didn't medicate myself with sex either.


Yet another judgment of your current girl. She claims that she used drugs to self-medicate because of sexual issues.

Clearly your reason for being addicted to drugs is superior. Right? LOL

Whatever your reason for drug abuse, it’s a crock… an excuse for bad behavior. It’s no better than her excuse. 

You have the right to choose your partner on whatever criteria you want. 

But when you do it based on hypocrisy you can expect some people to pick up on it and challenge you.

(e.g., she had sex with a guy she was not in love with, when you clearly did the same thing) 
(e.g., she engaged in casual sex, you engaged in casual sex)

I hope that the two of you go you seperate ways because these issues are going to make your lives very unpleasant over time.


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## l2k (Aug 10, 2011)

seasalt said:


> So many things to say. I hope they make sense alone and together.
> 
> First two Korean adoptees who meet on facebook. Maybe I'd be wrong but I'd take the bet that your first wife wasn't Korean.
> I'm tempted to say that unfortunately I have first hand knowledge about a Korean adoption but all things considered I think I am fortunate for that experience.
> ...


My ex wife was also a Korean adoptee, and I am in a lot of adoptee groups on fb, there are quite a few groups for Korean adoptees or KADs. My ex wife was the first KAD I had ever dated in my life, I spent most of my childhood trying to be white, and hated anything to do with Korean. So much, that I went to Korea this summer for the first time since I was adopted. That was a life changing experience, but this isn't what the post is about I guess. I did, however find out that my birth mother contacted the orphanage looking for me twice, once in 1991 and 1998. They never let my adopted parents or me know, so I may have missed my chance to find her, but I'm still searching. My gf and I have similar parents, they were both good to us, and she has a loving relationship with them. Her adoptive mother left her, her sister, and her father when she was young, I don't remember what age, around 5 or 6. She was adopted when she was 6 months, so no memories of her birth mother, but still traumatic. So in essence, she was abandoned by 2 mothers, when her dad remarried, they stayed together and are still together to this day. She considers his second wife her mother bc she raised her like her own. She still talks to her first mother, and see's her once a year or so, but now she's living in Ca. She said her dad was strict, and didn't let her do anything, so she couldn't wait to go to college and get away. There isn't any handbook, on how to raise your Asian child in white America. The common theme back then was to pretend we were white so we would assimilate better into society, but that just makes us lose our identities even more. I don't think you can be taken from your birth mother, shipped half way across the world, and live with people who look nothing like you, and not have it affect you in some way. We both chose drugs to escape our lives for awhile, and both of our parents never did drugs. They don't even know what they look like. 

She is a wonderful mother to her child, and I really like her too. We have bonded, and it wasn't hard at all, i know i could raise her kid as my own. Being an adoptee, I can relate in some ways to her, and probably help her when the hard stuff comes up, like racism and other issues my parents had no clue about. My gf actually liked that I had a drug history, because we can relate to why we did that, and I know that sex is probably something else she used to medicate. I can definitely understand that, and deal with it. We have been able to over come a lot of issues ourselves. I knew she was insecure in relationships, I have my own insecurities as well. I don't necessarily think that 2 insecure people should be together, but her insecurities seem to be in different areas than mine, so we work well together. Where her's are strong, mine are weak, so it works for us, I know it probably sounds strange, but it just does. 

We have been talking a lot about this, and I know I can come off as being obsessed about this, and probably seem to think that I can't get over it. It was only because it was a few days ago, and I needed some place to vent. I didn't want to vent these thoughts and frustrations, emotions, etc to her. I didn't really want to vent this to any of our friends either, so I chose here, among total strangers, where no rumors can spread, and nobody can get hurt.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

I've read this entire thread and it looks like you are in a better place now. You are talking about possibly raising her child so does that mean that you are seriously considering staying with this woman? Her letter was so genuine and open - I really do hope that you give her a chance with your heart as open as hers appears to be. We can all learn from the past but it really seems as though she wants to move on from the past WITH YOU! She is growing, changing and wants to share the present and future with you. You are actually a lucky man, if you think about it like that. You get to share a life changing/growing time in this woman's life with whom you have so much in common. As other's have said, yes, there is a risk that she could go back to her old ways but life is a risk no matter who we choose to share it with. 

Yes, I am trying to see the good in this and to put a positive spin on it because, well, I think she deserves it. She obviously cares about you, you do seem to care about her and if you can just get past this one thing, you may have a good thing here.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I hope that the two of you go you seperate ways because these issues are going to make your lives very unpleasant over time.


Well, the next guy will be number 91 for her.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Okay... I'll bite. I'll be the one to say it:


SHE'S A GREAT CATCH. Grab her with both hands while you can. She says she'll be faithful, then she will. Give her the chance to prove that you are more important than her 20+ relationships.. her 60+ drunken or drugged night - one night stands.
Realize that she was trying to find ful-fillment & love & caring in each of those ONS's. She wasn't doing it for the thrill of sex. She wasn't doing it to see how promiscuous she could be. She was wanting & needing some caring from someone. From anyone. The thoughts "Well, if I'm good enough to sleep with.. maybe then this one will think I'm good enough to have as a gf."... Maybe that's what unconsciously drove her. 

But at any rate. Give her a break . Give her a chance to prove herself. But let her # go. There is absolutely NOTHING she can do now to change her past. Take it or leave it. My advice, take it now before this big fish squirms off your hook.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

unstable more than likely. Do not be filled with delusion

if you love her than stay. That is all but do not complain about your choice or what may await.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Do you think the 20 women you slept with detracts from what you have had with her? You sound very insecure. This has nothing to do with how she thinks and feels and everything to do with how you feel.


I don't see him as insecure at all - he is dating someone and he is asking questions about her and looking at her with a critical eye wondering if he should continue to pursue this relationship.

If he was insecure he would be not asking questions and would be accepting anything in order to have her stay with him.

I know it's popular to call someone insecure when they don't feel comfortable with their partners number or what things the partner did in the past - however I think that's a false charge and meant solely to undermine the OP's feelings on the subject.

Not everyone is ok being with a high-numbers person. And you know what - that's ok. There isn't any rule that says you have to accept your partner's number. You don't have to like it. 

If you believe it reflects a negative aspect of their personality and values system that doesn't mesh with your own - then it is perfectly OK to not be ok with it and to move on.


-- 

Now the GF is in her 40's so she is going to have a number of partners - especially since she hasn't had a long term relationship.

It's the lack of a long term relationship that I find the most worrisome because it may well mean she doesn't know how to have one , or how to compromise and trust with another person. The lack of the LTR at her age is much more worrisome that the number of partners to me.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

well you have already slept with her so there's no going back on that. and maybe you should feel special. out of all the guys she has ever been with, your the only one she wants to settle down with. saying some good things about you. also maybe she brings it up because she wants you to probe her for information and wants to get it off her chest. maybe she feels guilty not telling you everything and she wants the air clean between you, so that you know what your getting into. either way if you love her. then you will be willing to forget the past and except that thats what made her who she is today, and move on. nobody's perfect. just be glad she aint lying and saying i've only slept with 7.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

This is way the vast majority of women will always lie or fabricate a "respectable" number of past partners.

I understand why it could make you feel less special, but, and a big but it is, you are her present, and possible future partner, focus on this relationship.

However she should really stop bringing up previous sexual partners in your conversations.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I don't see him as insecure at all - he is dating someone and he is asking questions about her and looking at her with a critical eye wondering if he should continue to pursue this relationship.
> 
> If he was insecure he would be not asking questions and would be accepting anything in order to have her stay with him.
> 
> ...


high risk and is unstable (imo). 

He is not insecure what is happening is he is using his brain and has come up with several scenarios that seem likely. He is using logic and trying to rationalize how might things turn out and what drives a person to conduct them self in such a manner. 

All comments asserting he not question things are ridiculous. Id assume that those individuals are in what some would deem high risk relationships.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

you know the past is the past

if i was a rapist in the past but not now. My partner would have no need to know? I mean if i forced myself onto a woman at age 21 while both of us were drunk this does not mater because it is the PAST! I have no reason to tell my spouse and if i did they should accept me for who i am. 

LOL at the idea of not questioning things. 

Its like the existence of life the day you stop asking questions is the day you allow yourself to live in ignorance and when you start playing with a loaded gun.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

*needaunderstand* said:


> well you have already slept with her so there's no going back on that. and maybe you should feel special. out of all the guys she has ever been with, your the only one she wants to settle down with. saying some good things about you. also maybe she brings it up because she wants you to probe her for information and wants to get it off her chest. maybe she feels guilty not telling you everything and she wants the air clean between you, so that you know what your getting into. either way if you love her. then you will be willing to forget the past and except that thats what made her who she is today, and move on. nobody's perfect. just be glad she aint lying and saying i've only slept with 7.


A person who lies is not worthy of dating so i am not sure what you are getting at?.....


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

She shouldn't be required to apologize or have anything more to prove than someone who was more comparable to him as far as #'s go. It's out there, it has been discussed and he either comes to terms with it and rolls the dice (as is with any relationship) or acknowledge that he won't be able to come to terms (meaning he will always doubt her because of her past and think about her being with other men obsessively (which isn't fair)) and end the relationship for both their sakes. Not to downplay the seriousness of their relationship but they aren't married and don't have children together, now is the time to make this decision.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

im not saying she is lying. im saying that he should be happy she is not. hence the be happy she didnt say 7....


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> She shouldn't be required to apologize or have anything more to prove than someone who was more comparable to him as far as #'s go. It's out there, it has been discussed and he either comes to terms with it and rolls the dice (as is with any relationship) or acknowledge that he won't be able to come to terms (meaning he will always doubt her because of her past and think about her being with other men obsessively (which isn't fair)) and end the relationship for both their sakes. Not to downplay the seriousness of their relationship but they aren't married and don't have children together, now is the time to make this decision.


you stated he was insecure and i totally disagree with that. He is using his brain

odd you would call him insecure

in addition its totally fair to doubt a person because of their past. I cannot believe some folk think words speak louder than actions.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> you stated he was insecure and i totally disagree with that. He is using his brain
> 
> odd you would call him insecure
> 
> in addition its totally fair to doubt a person because of their past. I cannot believe some folk think words speak louder than actions.


You and I are constantly at odds! 

I felt he was insecure because he is obsessing over the thoughts of the other men screwing his girlfriend.

I don't disagree with actions speak louder than words. I will believe in actions over words all the time. (It's why I can't seem to come to terms with my own marriage issues because my mind always trumps what I have seen over what I am being told) But to her defense I don't think she has given any reason for him to doubt her intentions during their relationship which I think is a little over a year old. He is having a hard time with her past not her now.

And hell no I wouldn't date a rapist. I can't even allow that to compare to this situation. I think what the majority of us are saying is let her actions within his relationship with her speak for her along with her words. He hasn't given any reason (that I can recall from this thread) to doubt how she feels and acts towards him in their relationship.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> you know the past is the past
> 
> if i was a rapist in the past but not now. My partner would have no need to know? I mean if i forced myself onto a woman at age 21 while both of us were drunk this does not mater because it is the PAST! I have no reason to tell my spouse and if i did they should accept me for who i am.
> 
> ...


I agree that it's important for him to question his GF's past, and whether he can accept it, but likening having a high number of sex partners to a crime like rape is a poor analogy, IMO...


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> He hasn't given any reason (that I can recall from this thread) to doubt how she feels and acts towards him in their relationship.


^ i can agree with that but not the other stuff said :smthumbup:. 

So it comes down to what he wants ultimately some of us tell him the odds are unlikely and such and others say you never know. Maybe she is an awesome person and had a less than stellar upbringing and it led her to do all that she has done and sleep around a lot. I mean i cannot ignore that its true some people have sad lives and its by and large because of environment and upbringing. That woman is still a person with feelings and may be dying for love 

I just think and hope he is really sure about her and realizes that he may be up for a lot of work.


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