# I do need someone to take this seriously



## esp (Jan 7, 2012)

When is it just too much?
My girlfriend (36) and I (37) have been together for a year now. We were in a relationship before for about a year as well but it didn’t work out as there were issues with her not liking my children and saying that I spent more time with my kids than with her and that she felt that she was just an extra wheel when they were around. I was very desperate to get her back and she eventually caved in a decided to give it another try.
To be fair, my girlfriend is in an extremely difficult situation. She has been trying to divorce the father of her son (4) for almost 3 years now. He was very abusive towards her both mentally and physically. Her oldest son (17) also claims that the man abused him sexually so my girlfriend laid a criminal charge against him for the abuse. All this is pending and until such time that the criminal case has been finalized they can’t get divorced as the outcome will obviously have an influence on the husband’s access to her youngest child. She also lives in constant fear that he (the ex) will hurt her youngest son when they spend time together.
A couple of months ago my girlfriend and I bought a house together. I think that this was a show of our commitment to our relationship as well as our trust in each other. I have been living in the house alone and she only spends time here on weekends and seldom on week nights. She lives with her parents. She is very afraid that her ex will find out how far we are into the relationship and that we have already bought a house. She is scared that the man will hurt her or her kids.
I have 2 daughters myself. The oldest is 18 and the youngest is 13. They sleep over once a week and every other weekend. Since my girlfriend and I have gotten back together my oldest daughter has had issues with the relationship. I talked to her about it and she says that she saw what the previous breakup did to me what if it happens again… I explained to her that my girlfriend was very confused at the time we broke up. She wanted a clean start and didn’t want to have to deal with someone else’s kids as well as all her other problems. I also explained that my Girlfriend has since changed her attitude and that she is willing to work on the relationships with them. My daughter seems to have accepted this but she is still weary and she does not visit me nearly as much as before. The relationship between her and my girlfriend is still very strained. My youngest daughter visits regularly and we have a wonderful relationship. However, it seems that she also has issues with the relationship. She is very insecure when my girlfriend is around and she sometimes prefers to be alone over weekends when my girlfriend and her kids are around.
This brings me to my girlfriend’s oldest son. He has recently decided to come out and realized that he is gay. When I first heard about I was fine with it. It was only later when his boyfriends started visiting us on weekends that I realised that I was a bit of a homophobe. You see, knowing people are gay and seeing them kiss and hug and hold each other in front of you are 2 completely different things… This was the reason for a huge fight between me and my girlfriend. I asked that they have more discretion and not behave that way in front of me and my children. Her response was that this is normal for them and how would I feel if she said that my oldest daughter and her boyfriend could not have physical contact in front of her or her kids. She obviously just wants to protect her son. This ended up in us moving my kids to a smaller room so that her son could have friends sleep over without having to move my daughters around. The decision was also based on the assumption that they would eventually move into the house and that once he is here permanently he would deserve to have the biggest room. This all sounds fine but I resent my girlfriend for it. Before we bought the new house I lived alone in my own house. Each of my daughters had their own rooms. Now that we have moved into the new house and with the new arrangement they find themselves sharing the smallest room in the house. I believe that this further contributes to my oldest daughter’s negativity towards the relationship and keeps her from visiting even more.
My girlfriend and I also have very different views on discipline:
My issues are: Her son is allowed to smoke in front of us, swears a lot, speaks of religion and promotes atheism in all his conversations. He is very bright boy but I have never seen him study once. My girlfriend also allows his friends to smoke and occasionally drink in our house. They also swear a lot. I am fine with this but I do not want my 13 year old daughter to see this kind of behaviour. This is not the values that want her to have in 4 years time. I fear that she will accept that I am fine with this behaviour and that she will also be allowed to behave in this way once she gets older. 
Her issues are: My daughters call adults on their first names. They don’t address adults as aunt or uncle. This is the way their mother grew and this is the way that they have been all their lives. How do I change this? She also says that my children manipulate me. My oldest daughter wrote a comment on her own facebook wall the first night that they slept in the new small room saying “Thank you but F You” I confronted her about it the next morning and she denied that it had anything to do with the fact they the now had the smallest room in the house. She said she and her boyfriend had a fight and that the comment was aimed at him. My girlfriend does not believe it and she is convinced that the comment was aimed at her and me. She also says that my behaviour is different when my kids are around. According to her I am more “macho” and controlling in front of my kids.
I am not innocent in all this. I am someone who crops up my feelings and only when I get really drunk I release all the anger and frustration. I don’t get physical but I do get aggressive and unreasonable. This has happened about 4 times over the last year and it has always been over the phone. I was mostly scared that my girlfriend would leave me if I added to her problems by raising my opinions. She has, on many occasions, told me that she does not want people in her life that complicates things for her even further as she has too much to deal with already. I know this behaviour is terribly wrong of me but it is going to take time to learn to assert myself in normal everyday life and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fix it. My dad was, and still is, exactly the same.
My girlfriend does not like sex. She says that it feels like it a major sin and that she is hurting God when we have sex. My question is how she allows all the other bad things but only feels bad when she’s having sex. This may stem from the fact the she too was molested as a little girl. The only problem is that I think sex is healthy for any relationship and I definitely do not want to be in a relationship without it.
Another thing that bothers me is that her family as well as herself and her oldest son have a long history of depression. I say to her every day that even though pills help it is ultimately up to the individual sufferer to make his/her own life better. Her argument is that depression is a crippling disease and that it numbs the sufferer. We are therefore in a situation where we cannot move forward as she says I don’t understand depression. I am an outdoor guy who wants to go on holidays, experience new things and be with my friends. As a result of her depression she is more an indoors type of person who prefers to be at home in front of the TV rather than go outside. 
My selfish issues are the following: She has in the last year not cooked a single meal and she often goes back to her parent’s house after weekends without helping me to clean up. She is a very beautiful woman and there will always be other men trying to get her. She admitted this much. She is very vulnerable and her self esteem and confidence is very low. She seems to be angry all the time and always has issues. Although this behaviour is normal for someone in her situation I just don’t know if I want this for a life. 
To complicate things even further we work together in the same office and in the same section. Both of us have been with the same company for many years and a breakup would complicate things very much.
My fear is that all this has already gone too far and I sometimes think that we should just put a stop to our relationship. This is a very tough decision. I also know myself and I know that I will be very lonely without her. I truly did love her but I am not so sure anymore. She was very different when we first met but I think everything that happened may have already caused too much damage. There will obviously be a huge financial impact as well if we decide to split up. I really want to make it work but I fear that we may be doing more and more harm to ourselves and our children as we allow this relationship to carry on.
Can this be fixed? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
ES


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Too much drama.

Kick her jealous butt to the curb. ANYONE who is jealous of your children is trouble. 

Choose your kids.

It's been a year, you aren't married, cut your losses and trade up. Leave her to her own bull****.

I never, never understood people who are jealous of CHILDREN! What is wrong with those people. Yuck.


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## esp (Jan 7, 2012)

Thank TG, but considering my faults, would you still say just let it go?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

LOL my bad...got confused.

Just cut this woman loose. Seriously. It's been a year...the first year is supposed to be AWESOME...not like this. It won't get better...


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Wow......it sounds like both of you have a lot going on in your lives. If it were me in this situation I would want to get my own life in order before introducing someone else into it.
Both of you need to speak to a professional. I would talk to her and ask her what she really feels about the your relationship now and long term. She is right by saying you are complicating things more by being in her life but I would suggest dating and not living together until things are a little more stable. You cannot expect that the issues will get easier because you move in together. They will get worse.
I see you mentioned you keep it all in unless you are drinking. That's not a good thing. You are like a walking time bomb. Explaining how you both feel towards each other and what you want out of your relationship, while sober, is key to your success as a couple. You see each other at work all day so its not like you can easily ignnore her or the problems you are experiencing. Maybe her staying elsewhere until your issues are resolved is best for everyone. Do you truly love her? From what you wrote she has many past issues that will haunt her forever if she doesn't seek help. Can you deal with that and her kids issues as well? You may want to think about finding someone who is a little more low key with less drama. It may make your work situation a little uncomfortable for a while but hopefully you can act as adults and keep your professional and personal lives separate. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## esp (Jan 7, 2012)

TG, it has not been 30 years. All the changes happened in 2 years. But, my daughters remain my lifeline, my breath of fresh air... but yeah, if I only had to worry about that I would never be in a real serious relationship


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

esp said:


> TG, it has not been 30 years. All the changes happened in 2 years. But, my daughters remain my lifeline, my breath of fresh air... but yeah, if I only had to worry about that I would never be in a real serious relationship


HA! I know! I got some stories crossed. My bad! Go back and read my response 

Someone out there will be a good partner for you AND your children. Grown women who are jealous of children have a screw loose.


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## esp (Jan 7, 2012)

Cogo, thank you!! Thans for your sensible observations, but I have been brutely honest about us both... Dou think there is a chance or just too much effor?


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## esp (Jan 7, 2012)

Please guys, I am at the point of I dont know what to to. Please consider our whole story before commenting. I need real opinions on our situatians and if there is any chance. please please please let me know how...


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## esp (Jan 7, 2012)

I truly wish someone reads the whole post (too big I know..) and provide honest feedback.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, why does anyone's child who is still dependent getting to have "sleepovers" with sex partners in your house? That's crazy talk--get the room situation straightened out pronto and maybe some of the other stuff will fall into place. 

2nd, get over your homophobia. Hold your ground on alcohol and other matters that can ruin a child's life. Having a different sexual orientation may make someone's life more difficult b/c they have to deal with homophobic a*sholes, but drinking under age, etc., are both life-style and health issues that can permanently damage someone. 

Finally, yeah, 'way too much drama. I couldn't even read all of this (got about 2/3rds through). You were "desperate" so you caved to all sorts of unrealistic expectations, perhaps. Get your act together so that you feel you deserve better (you do). Maybe she will, too, but in the meantime, she's putting up with you b/c she feels bad about herself, and you are putting up with her b/c you feel bad about yourself.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

It just seems like way too much work and too many psychological issues to deal with. You need to find a less dramatic woman who has her head screwed on straighter than your current girlfriend. I think a calm person is what you and your kids need. That will allow you to be more like yourself and you will feel more comfortable having your kids around both of you. She is out there wondering where the nice normal guys are! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Never read anything like it! Do you really and honestly believe this can work. Is there at all anything, and I mean anything that you agree on. You bought a house together. I suppose you didnt pay for it all and can somehow unravel it. Just remember its not just your own life you will be destroying but your daughters as well. Have a heart!


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

esp said:


> A couple of months ago my girlfriend and I bought a house together. I think that this was a show of our commitment to our relationship as well as our trust in each other.


Sorry, but my opinion, buying a house together is not a show of commitment and trust, especially 1 year into your relationship this go around. If she is married, depending on the state, this could be a huge mistake.



esp said:


> She is very insecure when my girlfriend is around and she sometimes prefers to be alone over weekends when my girlfriend and her kids are around.


Judging by the things you posted farther on down, this may be a good thing. At her age she is very impressionable and not sure she is getting the impression she should be getting.



esp said:


> This brings me to my girlfriend’s oldest son. He has recently decided to come out and realized that he is gay. When I first heard about I was fine with it. It was only later when his boyfriends started visiting us on weekends that I realised that I was a bit of a homophobe. You see, knowing people are gay and seeing them kiss and hug and hold each other in front of you are 2 completely different things… This was the reason for a huge fight between me and my girlfriend. I asked that they have more discretion and not behave that way in front of me and my children. Her response was that this is normal for them and how would I feel if she said that my oldest daughter and her boyfriend could not have physical contact in front of her or her kids. She obviously just wants to protect her son.


Gay, bisexual, straight, I dont care. Your children should be respectful enough to not be doing this in their parent's house, in front of their young siblings, and in front of everyone. I'm married and 31 years old and I don't make out in front of my parents. I don't do anything but a simple kiss, especially in their house. It is called respect. 



esp said:


> This ended up in us moving my kids to a smaller room so that her son could have friends sleep over without having to move my daughters around. The decision was also based on the assumption that they would eventually move into the house and that once he is here permanently he would deserve to have the biggest room.


You have 2 daughters that must share a smaller room so his boyfriend can sleep over? Why does he deserve the bigger room? There is one of him and 2 of your daughters. If he wants to have sleepovers he needs to get his own room in his own house. What if your daughter wants to have her boyfriend sleepover? 



esp said:


> My girlfriend and I also have very different views on discipline:
> My issues are: Her son is allowed to smoke in front of us, swears a lot, speaks of religion and promotes atheism in all his conversations. He is very bright boy but I have never seen him study once. My girlfriend also allows his friends to smoke and occasionally drink in our house. They also swear a lot. I am fine with this but I do not want my 13 year old daughter to see this kind of behaviour. This is not the values that want her to have in 4 years time. I fear that she will accept that I am fine with this behaviour and that she will also be allowed to behave in this way once she gets older.


Her son sounds like a disrespectful spoiled little punk that she allows to run all over her. You said she lives with her parents, does she allow this there? Do they? Do you know it is against the law for underage to drink and you could get in serious legal trouble? In my state, its against the law to allow someone under 18 to smoke. Your daughter already sees this as acceptable behavior because you allow it in your house.



esp said:


> Her issues are: My daughters call adults on their first names. They don’t address adults as aunt or uncle. This is the way their mother grew and this is the way that they have been all their lives. How do I change this? She also says that my children manipulate me. My oldest daughter wrote a comment on her own facebook wall the first night that they slept in the new small room saying “Thank you but F You” I confronted her about it the next morning and she denied that it had anything to do with the fact they the now had the smallest room in the house. She said she and her boyfriend had a fight and that the comment was aimed at him. My girlfriend does not believe it and she is convinced that the comment was aimed at her and me. She also says that my behaviour is different when my kids are around. According to her I am more “macho” and controlling in front of my kids.


I call adults by their first name, as well as my children. Sometimes we add "aunt" or "uncle" before their name. Parents and grandparents are called mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, etc. I think to complain about that is petty, especially compared to what she is allowing her child to do. She needs to accept that your children grew up in an environment different where that is acceptable and not meant as disrespect.




esp said:


> I am not innocent in all this. I am someone who crops up my feelings and only when I get really drunk I release all the anger and frustration. I don’t get physical but I do get aggressive and unreasonable. This has happened about 4 times over the last year and it has always been over the phone.


This is your issue that you need to deal with. 1 time is too many, let alone 4. You need to control your drinking and get some anger management classes to help you learn to control, express, and deal with your anger.



esp said:


> I was mostly scared that my girlfriend would leave me if I added to her problems by raising my opinions. She has, on many occasions, told me that she does not want people in her life that complicates things for her even further as she has too much to deal with already.


So she doesn't want to deal with life? If you are a complication to her life, maybe you should let her leave and not think twice.



esp said:


> My girlfriend does not like sex. She says that it feels like it a major sin and that she is hurting God when we have sex. My question is how she allows all the other bad things but only feels bad when she’s having sex.


Really? Of all the other things you mentioned she thinks this is a problem? A sin is a sin.....period. Two consenting adults engaging in sex is much less of an issue than other things you have mentioned.



esp said:


> This may stem from the fact the she too was molested as a little girl. The only problem is that I think sex is healthy for any relationship and I definitely do not want to be in a relationship without it.


Sex is healthy for a relationship, so is many other things that seem to be lacking. If it is from her being molested, understandable, but there is therapy for that. 



esp said:


> I also know myself and I know that I will be very lonely without her.


Not to sound cold, but weren't you lonely before her? Being lonely isn't the end of the world. Go out and have fun with friends and meet new people. 



esp said:


> There will obviously be a huge financial impact as well if we decide to split up.


Is she helping pay the bills and house payment?

I'll be honest with you, your girlfriend sounds likes someone looking for someplace to hang out and party at with no responsibilities and to get away from mommy and daddy occasionally. 

Sounds like she needs to grow up and be a big girl now. 

You sound like you need to put your foot down and decide what kind of message you want to send to your daughters about acceptable and unacceptable behavior and lifestyles. 

How long were you seperated from your wife before you all started dating?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The smoking and drinking is a big no-no. Definitely a bad influence on your younger daughter As well as bringing sexual partners to the house. They can do it at their own place. At your place, they need to respect your rules. And why does he get the big room? I did not understand that part?


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## Cestmoi (Jan 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> The smoking and drinking is a big no-no. Definitely a bad influence on your younger daughter As well as bringing sexual partners to the house. They can do it at their own place. At your place, they need to respect your rules. And why does he get the big room? I did not understand that part?


I agree. And why should 2 girls share a smaller room (and 1 boy have the bigger room)?, even if they do not live there permanently. The boy will be under your roof and your rules apply. Your gf's feelings of guilt (for what happened to her son)should not affect good parenting. He should not be allowed to do stuff which you (and most other parents) which you would not allow your girls to do. My daughters (at university) still respect my rules.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## esp (Jan 7, 2012)

Thank you all for the responses. I wish I could change things but I realize now that it is just not healthy to continue with this relationship. It has a negative impact on everbody involved and the time has come for me an my gf to have that chat. Again, thanks for the advice.


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