# Why is it so hard to leave a cheater and why are details needed?



## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

After reading hundreds of infidelity stories, my two personal experience as a betrayed fiancé seems very odd in comparison to most. Both were relationships where no kids were involved. Nonetheless, even with those who are not married and childless, leaving a cheater seems so hard to do and I'm kind of interested in knowing why this is.

It's not love because with 100% complete certainty, I loved both of my fiancés as much as humanly possible and was absolutely devastated. Thoughts of suicide, loss of self, etc. all encompassed me. So, my question is, If it's not love, kids or financial circumstances, what holds them?

I have my own theory, but I'm interested in finding out how odd my betrayed experiences and responses were and who else responded similarly. I'm not talking about being macho, tough or alpha or anything. For me it was self worth. I was POSITIVE I deserved better and took steps to getting there.

Here are the bullet points summarizing my responses to both betrayals

*Fiancé #1 *

*I never sought confirmation of the affair. Just went on gut feeling*
*I never asked who, where, when or why*
*I just left after my gut told me and after three humiliating experiences which were as follows:*
Experience 1 - When I would call her and attempt to make small talk (to connect) I was met with complete silence​Experience 2 - When I went to embrace her once, her arms remained straight downward. It was a one way embrace. I was the one needing it but was giving it instead. Pick me dance big time.​Experience 3 - She repeatedly kept telling me about an NBA player who liked her as if I was a girlfriend. Last straw. No contact started and sustained without fail or set back.​
In the end, going NC brought her back to me, although it was not my intention. She's beautiful and is accustomed to being chased. I wasn't doing it at the expense of my own dignity and self respect. I knew how she treated me and I wouldn't dare subject myself to further indignities. I met fiancé # 2 a few months later and fiancé #1 diligently at first and then sneakily pursued throughout my relationship with fiancé # 2. I FWB'd fiancé # 1 until #2 and I became exclusive. Number 1 and I are still friends today believe it or not, I'm giving her advice with men. 

*Fiancé #2 *

We met a few months after my first betrayal and was with her 3-4 years. She was a much better fit for me but the infidelity caused a very ugly ending where the cops had to be called after she harassed my new girlfriend (current wife).
Out of nowhere in September of year 3 or 4, unknowingly to me, she goes a soft NC where I was contacting her but she initiated no calls to me. After 4 weeks, I start to realize she was being "exceedingly and unusually" unavailable and not initiating any calls. Having experienced infidelity with my previous fiancé, early acknowledgement enabled me to respond more calculatingly, so I went NC myself with no "pick me stuff" or snooping of any type.
My NC was actually me redefining the relationship from being engaged to "no relationship" at all. Early December she calls me for first time since September, and starts talking as if the last three months never happened. The call was to begin a reconciliation of a broken engagement of which neither of us had actually acknowledged to each other. A charade if there ever was one. Nonetheless, I agreed to meet with her after much urging at a neutral location. She was elated and her goal was to reengage with me but my goal was to confirm her having sex with someone. I knew she had and kind of just wanted to here her say it just to tell her I had to be dealt with respectfully before I was to endear her with my time and presence. I received confirmation after grilling her for 2 hours by asking one questions several different ways 😀. 
*After confirmation, I never sought to identify who, where, when, why or how the affair* occurred. None of that stuff mattered to me.
For reasons I can't remember, I saw her twice more in December. The first to attend her Law School graduation ceremony. In looking back, For reasons unknown ta the time, she desperately wanted me to attend, but in retrospect it was to appease her parents as they didn't know about our breakup and wanted to give them the impression that all was good. The second post confession meeting was at a New Years eve party we attended together, which still surprises me in looking back. I already knew we had less than 1% chance of reconciling but went anyway. I found myself perusing the party rooms not caring if she were with me or not, as if she was my sister or something . When talking with her I could not look her in the eyes. I'd look everywhere but there. At 12 midnight, it was a peck, and damn near an air kiss. CONFIRMATION CEMENTED. I remember wanting to go back to my apartment that night, but the metro wasn't operating that late so I stayed at her place. No sex. Awoke early next morning and left. 
Saw her last in July the following year. She wanted to see my new apartment. Messed up here. I wasn't thinking. She comes over with a short skirt and that was that. This was a HUGE mistake as I believe she sought to get pregnant, but luckily for me she didn't. I can remember her "tapping out" after a few very, very vigorous rounds and it wasn't until I read about "hysterical bonding" did I realize why I was so wound up that day. The pregnant attempt didn't occur to me until the following fall when she aggressively insisted we spend an "night together" as her current boyfriend, fiancé to-be and future husband was away for the weekend on a church retreat.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jesus dude, not even when I was a teen would I ever speak to or adknowledge a woman that did that to me one more single time after me finding out, least of all remaining friend and given her advice. Yikes!! To this day I can't understand men doing that. It must be that I'm kind of inflexible (for better or worse) when it comes to these matters. I always, always took the concept that they were dead to me.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> Jesus dude, not even when I was a teen would I ever speak to or adknowledge a woman that did that to me one more single time after me finding out, least of all remaining friend and given her advice. Yikes!! To this day I can't understand men doing that. It must be that I'm kind of inflexible (for better or worse) when it comes to these matters. I always, always took the concept that they were dead to me.


Weak men


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Many who are betrayed are actually married, not engaged and have homes together, often married many years, often have children. For them it's a massive upheaval, may well be a real struggle financially, loss of face, possibly having to loose their home, their children's lives would be deeply affected. 
The less time you have together, the less committments and responsibilities, the easier it is.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Many who are betrayed are actually married, not engaged and have homes together, often married many years, often have children. For them it's a massive upheaval, may well be a real struggle financially, loss of face, possibly having to loose their home, their children's lives would be deeply affected.
> The less time you have together, the less committments and responsibilities, the easier it is.


I agree. I had 35 years tied up in my relationship. Things would have ended on d-day if it had only been 10.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

“Why is it so hard to leave a cheater and why are details needed?”
It’s not and it’s not - for healthy individuals.

For anyone raised in a dysfunctional family, continuing the pattern of dysfunction and drama feels normal. So they do.
Cheaters are dysfunctional people, as is anyone who tolerates cheating. It’s a dysfunctional dance. Not normal and not healthy.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I think the ramifications and embarrassment of explaining to friends and family that they've been cheated on, often when family had also invested time and effort into that person, plays a role.

Takes a certain personality type to allow themselves to be treated like that though.....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MEA said:


> “Why is it so hard to leave a cheater and why are details needed?”
> It’s not and it’s not - for healthy individuals.
> 
> For anyone raised in a dysfunctional family, continuing the pattern of dysfunction and drama feels normal. So they do.
> Cheaters are dysfunctional people, as is anyone who tolerates cheating. It’s a dysfunctional dance. Not normal and not healthy.


I know quite a few normal emotionally healthy people who choose to stay in the marriage due to children and they made it work. It's not all about us in the end, it's about the family and our children.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

re16 said:


> I think the ramifications and embarrassment of explaining to friends and family that they've been cheated on, often when family had also invested time and effort into that person, plays a role.
> 
> Takes a certain personality type to allow themselves to be treated like that though.....


Why embarrassment? They didn't do anything wrong.
What ramifications would come from being the betrayed spouse?

I felt no embarrassment when I told friends and family my EX cheated


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Why embarrassment? They didn't do anything wrong.
> What ramifications would come from being the betrayed spouse?
> 
> I felt no embarrassment when I told friends and family my EX cheated


You have the proper response to this situation.... I was talking about the reasons and justifications that some use in their attempt to rugsweep and continue the relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> Why embarrassment? They didn't do anything wrong.
> What ramifications would come from being the betrayed spouse?
> 
> I felt no embarrassment when I told friends and family my EX cheated


For my husband he says he felt guilty that the marriage had failed. Not that he stayed as she divorced him anyway.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Many who are betrayed are actually married, not engaged and have homes together, often married many years, often have children. For them it's a massive upheaval, may well be a real struggle financially, loss of face, possibly having to loose their home, their children's lives would be deeply affected.
> The less time you have together, the less committments and responsibilities, the easier it is.


I already addressed married and those with children in the initial post but after reading it I must not have done so clearly enough, so that's my fault. I did this purposely knowing many would or could respond with this. 


> *Both were relationships where no kids were involved*. Nonetheless, even with those who are not married and childless, leaving a cheater seems so hard to do and I'm kind of interested in knowing why this is


.
In bold is where I attempted to acknowledge the differences of situations. Again, my fault for lack of clarity but my question more succinctly for those in a relationship for 3-7 years (married or not) or even 10 years with no kids, the resistance to leave the cheater seems to be as difficult or nearly as difficult than those with 10 to 15 year marriages with 2-3 kids. 

In other words I see very little and sometimes no difference with brief marriages or relationships when paired against longer ones with kids. I joined this and other sites in 2017 and to this day it's beyond my comprehension why or how anyone can stay with someone that doesn't want them or wants them as a backup and accepts it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BS’s want details so that they can uncover the depth of betrayal involved in the affair, often in order to determine whether or not there’s enough of the marriage still there that reconciliation is possible — or even desirable.

WS’s lie about and trickle in details in order to hide the depth of betrayal involved in an affair — often so that they can continue the affair.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

As I learned on this message board, if you want to forgive your WP, then wouldn't you want to know what you're forgiving.

My situation was about the depth of this so called friendship that my future husband was having with this socalled friend. i needed to know the facts because he would shut down every discussion about it. "She's a friend, alright."

When I had some facts to hand due to my snooping around his disheveled apartment, we were finally able to have a productive discussion about the real nature of his friendship and how he would get rid of her when I told him I would be dating other men again.

Some people don't want to know. That is their choice. But if you have any desire to make a go of it, you need to know what they're capable of.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Kind of got my answer here and I'm surprised I hadn't concluded it before. I'd made up my mind to leave both relationships, so no information or details were needed.


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