# Intimacy held hostage or maybe my perspective is off



## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

I was going to start a new thread in regards to this and my own marriage. (I actually just made the decision to move this) We are going on a lovely five months. He used to be HD and I a HD. So we were a sexual duo of dynamite at one point. However, due to some emotional issues for us to sort out and my, what I think is possibly some postpartum mixed with my OCD, he says he just can't have sex with me right now. I do have cycles of some depression. However, the long in-between times...well anyway, I am building resentment for him not being physically involved and he builds more resentment anytime I try and talk about our sex life. I get pretty upset we are not intimate on that level. I feel it actually takes away from our bonding and emotional healing. He says he is still attracted, etc etc..however he is just not in that zone for me right now with my emotional pitfalls. Maybe that is okay, maybe it is not. I am the type to have issue with something, get over it quickly and still be attracted to him on ALL levels. He is not the same. SOOOO 5 months at this time. It feels like part of our intimacy/marriage is being held hostage. That is the best way to describe it. Maybe this should be a new thread? Which I have now.....I think could I just need a new perspective. I could be missing something important that is something else I should be doing. I am in a confused state with this now. It's hard to wrap my head around at this point. Maybe help here can shed some light and keep my mouth shut over here on this end.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Am I understanding this correctly that he hasn't had sex with you in five months? Not healthy at all.

Yes, I believe he's holding intimacy hostage. I think that's an excellent way to view the situation.

Has he laid out any expectations of what he feels he'd like to see to get things back on track?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

How long are you willing to live like this is the biggest question.

Can you live like this FOREVER?

Something to think about. I know I wouldn't. if my wife was to tell me something like that, I would probably ask a) why and b) when again?

If she was to say this is the norm going forward I would serve her divorce papers that day!


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Am I understanding this correctly that he hasn't had sex with you in five months? Not healthy at all.
> 
> Yes, I believe he's holding intimacy hostage. I think that's an excellent way to view the situation.
> 
> Has he laid out any expectations of what he feels he'd like to see to get things back on track?



You are correct. I have expressed my interest. I have told him I understand he has some issues with me, however, I feel it is a hindrance to our rebuilding, as I do require that intimacy and feel we would both benefit from the bonding. 

He has expressed I need to get a handle on all things OCD. He knew these things before we married and accepted them and even advised he would rather me be myself etc etc. He now says he over estimated his ability to deal with the more forward OCD times in my life. I get it, I do get the frustration he has. I express this to him. I am no angel. I am not perfect, nor do I perceive myself to be. I don't know how to breath and refocus on getting a handle on things all at once Healing in any way is a process. Cognitive behavioral changes do still take time. He likes immediate and definite results. Then will say that anything immediate i do does not seem perfect and that I am just trying to do a quick fix. I feel it is a no win. Again, maybe my views are off. 

He says if things could just be more even for a period of time. Though he does not give this time. He does not indicate what would indicate changes for him. I feel so much of it is fly by night. 

I am not trying to make this a whining experience here. I want to sort things out and quit lashing out about this to him, as that gets us no where either.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

DoF said:


> How long are you willing to live like this is the biggest question.
> 
> Can you live like this FOREVER?
> 
> ...



Okay this is going to give some more on my background. My first marriage was to an alcoholic/gas-lighting/narcissistic. Needless to say, the sex lacked there after about 13 years of our marriage. It did not lack, it was void. BUT even in our most horrid of times, I still felt like intimacy was important to any healing. Now, needless to say, there was more work to be done there before that could take place. In that marriage I was determined to get past it as well. Where am I going with this...it never go better in any way. Intimacy being the smaller issue of course. To answer your question, in that marriage, out of it and in this marriage...NO I will not spend the rest of my life without intimacy IN a relationship. It is a requirement for me as it is important. I don't know if it is considered a love language, but it is most definitely mine. Bad or good, just honest. 

His why is my emotional breakdowns, and his when is ...who knows..its when he says things are better for him. In the meantime I do fear eventually not wanting him. Though that is not happening now. When I look at him, now, my heart and mind scream green light go go. 

I do not know who is on the moral mountain on this. Again, I am willing to admit it is all me if it is all me and do what is needed. I do, however, find myself resentful and now at time suspicious. I feel he withholds on all levels of intimacy. He cannot understand why I would feel suspicious, not trusting as much anymore etc..and those may be extremes and unfounded, BUT then that furthers his not wanting me and he holds no responsibility to that........vicious circle?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

We started out with a fairly strong bond, but the lack of intimacy has been eroding that for quite a while now. My marriage has started to feel more like a business arrangement between two really good friends.

You're resentful about the lack of intimacy and he gets resentful if you try to talk about it and take steps to solve this problem. Can you not make him understand that unless this is solved, things between you can only get worse, not better. He may not like having to have a discussion about this, but if you can get him to understand that doing something to address the problem would only be a passing discomfort, rather than carry on with this long term misery between you.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

At first blush, I do think he's being unreasonable, and a tad bit of a hypocrite. He has problems with your OCD tendencies. Understandable. However he expects immediate perfection in solution to the problem? Pot meet kettle.

To then deny you YOUR emotional needs seems retributive.

What are his emotional needs? Do you feel you're doing your best to try to meet them? Does he feel the same? If you can honestly say that you're giving 100% to meet his needs, then you have the moral high ground, because he's clearly not reciprocating.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

loveforfamily - what do you mean by emotional breakdowns? How severe are they, what does this do to your behaviour and how long do these breakdowns last?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You're talking in circles and generalities and I'm having a really hard time funny understanding the finer points of the issues you're seeking support for.

Generally speaking, when a spouse with holds sex for a specific stated reason, such as getting your OCD under control, sex becomes a transaction. Sex, to your husband, is a reward for good behavior. Okay, I could see that if the good behavior was targeted to say ...good hygiene or not being a psychotic screaming b!tch. While you allude to OCD behaviors you don't illuminate what exactly is going on, and I'm not entirely sure you need to.

In a nut shell, what your H is doing is passive aggressive withholding of love. You want the intimacy that sex brings and he refuses until you give him what he wants, yet won't define what he wants and doesn't give credit for the process. In other words, he'll pay you with sex/intimacy once the job is complete. Wow, even contractors get 1/3 at the start, 1/3 half way through and 1/3 upon completion. 

Your H sounds like a controlling ass, are you sure you want to stay married to him?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you have severe OCD, it can be literally disabling, and it can also completely disrupt the lives of people around you. Those people then can definitely get into a space where they do not want to be intimate with you, at all. It isn't that uncommon with severe cases for someone to say "sure I can handle it, I love you" but then after living with the OCD person for years, they fall out of love and are beaten down by the severe OCD behaviors.

If he has told you that your severe behaviors are the reason he has pulled away, I would believe him. What have you done to get your disorder under control? Five months is definitely a long time to not have sex, but if you haven't put in a HUGE effort during that five months, then he's not seeing any improvement and likely still can't feel connected or intimate with you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> If you have severe OCD, it can be literally disabling, and it can also completely disrupt the lives of people around you. Those people then can definitely get into a space where they do not want to be intimate with you, at all. It isn't that uncommon with severe cases for someone to say "sure I can handle it, I love you" but then after living with the OCD person for years, they fall out of love and are beaten down by the severe OCD behaviors.
> 
> If he has told you that your severe behaviors are the reason he has pulled away, I would believe him. What have you done to get your disorder under control? Five months is definitely a long time to not have sex, but if you haven't put in a HUGE effort during that five months, then he's not seeing any improvement and likely still can't feel connected or intimate with you.


This is quite true and very valid. Not being able to get an accurate picture of what is actually going on inside your marriage makes it difficult to judge.

Because I came back to the thread to post again after checking out some of your other posts and this is the thought that struck me, which is the opposite of FW's thoughts.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/181002-mountain-out-mole-hill.html

Your husband is withholding sex and punishing you, telling you he can't have sex until you get your OCD under control and yet according to your thread above, he is wanking to porn and hiding the evidence, which is MIGHTY suspicious behavior.

So..,what's really going on?


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

doobie said:


> We started out with a fairly strong bond, but the lack of intimacy has been eroding that for quite a while now. My marriage has started to feel more like a business arrangement between two really good friends.
> 
> You're resentful about the lack of intimacy and he gets resentful if you try to talk about it and take steps to solve this problem. Can you not make him understand that unless this is solved, things between you can only get worse, not better. He may not like having to have a discussion about this, but if you can get him to understand that doing something to address the problem would only be a passing discomfort, rather than carry on with this long term misery between you.




Okay, I am going to try to go into more depth here. There is always the fear of when I admit my problems and what I contribute negatively, that it will take away from what is on my mind. In other words, I feel as though my personal issues invalidate any other issues that may exist in the marriage. Maybe they do take front stage, however, I am not sure that equates to completely ignoring them and to saying nothing else gets to get better until you are better. So, in short (haha too late) this next part is harder to express/write....

My outbursts can be pretty bad. I get to feeling pent up and then its like a release of feelings and worries all at once. I have the obsessive side, that obsessive over the whys and the compulsion is a release of my emotion. They can disrupt the peace in the household when they happen. On a day to day, I am okay, aside from the "did i turn the stove off, unplug the iron" sort of thing. As our intimacy has become lacking I find I obsess more and more over the why, and the what ifs and the is he..possibly..no he wouldn't do that. The anxiety s taking over. If you have ever dealt with an anxious person with OCD, then you probably start to feel for my husband. I get it, its hard to live with. I am trying to relate to that. i am trying to make things better for myself as in turn it makes things better for those around me. The whole whats good for you and is positive will be good for them. I am now alternating between "gosh I m lucky he hangs around at all" and the "yes he is here and I am thankful for all of this, however, does it just have to be when he thinks I am good now?". SO, I feel for him, I will talk when he needs about what is bothering him and I do try and meet his needs. Maybe I just do not know what he needs ultimately. Maybe my anxiety makes that harder to see? 

I do feel that he i not going to budge until I have a perfect run of something....While there is due pressure to become better in life, i get it...i still wonder if it is legitimate to withhold the rest in the process. Yes, we should push each other to be better for the good of self and others in the family, however, i do not think the lack of intimacy is conductive to healing. I don't rely on it to make myself better. That's not how that works. Its not a case of.."if you don't give me intimacy i can never work on myself" . You know to add to this and this is the really hard one, even more so than a lack of sex...we hug...he touches my arm or leg or makes a gesture now and then, i respond in kind and think a lot..okay here is the op., time to initiate in small ways to see if he is there(just to not go anywhere)...but even longer than the lack of sex....we have had one passionate kiss in the last 8 months.......

so that goes to my suspicious nature at this time..things that used to not bother me now due. I am always wondering what more is there. Is he cheating? Is he really wanting to be here? am i just not enough physically etc etc. Which leads to another sort of outburst. I try and tell him how this feels, why it leads to these thoughts. Not his responsibility..get that...its mine as i control my thoughts. Then it gets worse for us because I am suspicious now. This is a wreck of a post. Its what I have right now to express.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> This is quite true and very valid. Not being able to get an accurate picture of what is actually going on inside your marriage makes it difficult to judge.
> 
> Because I came back to the thread to post again after checking out some of your other posts and this is the thought that struck me, which is the opposite of FW's thoughts.
> 
> ...



He deals with stuff from the OCD, however, I am in constant mode of cognitive behavioral changes. This is a process. I apologize for the generalities. I really am trying to be as direct as I know how. I understand other posts advising this can be debilitating. If you are not showing anything worse, and in fact a lot of changes made sense the start an a person marries you....is this not them saying I can handle where you are going. Hell, he will even admit to the enormous amount of progress I have made since my messy marriage #1. 

Yes, he still watches porn, though as far as I know not as much. He advised that he even has a lack luster for personal gratification than he previously has...as far as he tells me. 

If I bring up those behaviors, it is me being suspicious and out of line again.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I didn't read the other threads but agree with Anon that his behavior isn't helpful either.

But in order to get anywhere you have to start with yourself. If you have severe OCD you do need to get it worked on, for YOU.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I didn't read the other threads but agree with Anon that his behavior isn't helpful either.
> 
> But in order to get anywhere you have to start with yourself. If you have severe OCD you do need to get it worked on, for YOU.



Indeed and it has been a life long pull to get to where I am now. Grant it the situation I was in before created a situation for me to have set backs. I feel I am bouncing back from those. Its never going to not be something I don't have to work on to some degree. Always mindful, always aware and always be on the look out for better ways.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I still have no clue what it is exactly you do in evidence of OCD, other than triple checking some things.... I have a friend with OCD and I have seen the anxiety it produces and from what you're telling in this thread, you have anxiety centered on OCD THOUGHTS. 

Can you please elaborate?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

loveforfamily said:


> If I bring up those behaviors, it is me being suspicious and out of line again.


Yeah well tough toe nails Buster! Stop wanking to porn, downloading nudey cuties and have sex with your wife and her OCD suspicions might become much less valid!


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I still have no clue what it is exactly you do in evidence of OCD, other than triple checking some things.... I have a friend with OCD and I have seen the anxiety it produces and from what you're telling in this thread, you have anxiety centered on OCD THOUGHTS.
> 
> Can you please elaborate?


I am a checker, but not just to inanimate objects. The only way I can describe it it is i am a checker of situations. I obsess over details in emotional situations. If I feel suspicious, I feel obsessively so. If I feel betrayed, I go over every detail from my own to others. If i feel anxious about situations around me, it can turn to over active brain and acting out in frustration and then everything that has been bothering me comes to the front at once. I have OCD in the checking sense and in the intrusive thoughts. I can get pretty angry about what's bottled up inside me pretty fast. Where an activity may not bother me for two months, it can trigger something on that 62nd day. Does this make sense?

I do not know how to say in any other way that I know KNOW that has to be hard to deal with, however, at the same time I do not feel it makes me an incapable person to love. I do not feel anyone here is saying that. I just felt I needed to add that I do not under estimate what he maybe going through with me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It does to me, but only because I know people with severe OCD intrusive thoughts and have see what it looks like. It can look like the sufferer is frozen, or it can look like they are manic. Depending on various other factors around them and their state of physical health.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

loveforfamily said:


> I am a checker, but not just to inanimate objects. The only way I can describe it it is i am a checker of situations. I obsess over details in emotional situations. If I feel suspicious, I feel obsessively so. If I feel betrayed, I go over every detail from my own to others. If i feel anxious about situations around me, it can turn to over active brain and acting out in frustration and then everything that has been bothering me comes to the front at once. I have OCD in the checking sense and in the intrusive thoughts. I can get pretty angry about what's bottled up inside me pretty fast. Where an activity may not bother me for two months, it can trigger something on that 62nd day. Does this make sense?
> 
> I do not know how to say in any other way that I know KNOW that has to be hard to deal with, however, at the same time I do not feel it makes me an incapable person to love. I do not feel anyone here is saying that. I just felt I needed to add that I do not under estimate what he maybe going through with me.


Okay, this makes more sense.

And yet I can't help but continue with my own suspicious thoughts about your husband gaslighting you and how convenient for him that you also have OCD. One would assume that a loving supportive husband might attend several therapy session with his wife in order to learn how to best support her recovery. Cause what he's doing now still seems awfully suspicious.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> It does to me, but only because I know people with severe OCD intrusive thoughts and have see what it looks like. It can look like the sufferer is frozen, or it can look like they are manic. Depending on various other factors around them and their state of physical health.


You are correct and that is exactly what it can be like.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Okay, this makes more sense.
> 
> And yet I can't help but continue with my own suspicious thoughts about your husband gaslighting you and how convenient for him that you also have OCD. One would assume that a loving supportive husband might attend several therapy session with his wife in order to learn how to best support her recovery. Cause what he's doing now still seems awfully suspicious.



You know, I have actually thought about gaslighting, and asked myself..how could that happen again? Ref. my ex. Then I step back and go okay, he is dealing with real issues with me and they have their affect on people around me. How do you begin to separate the two? you know? I have seen therapists in session a huge portion of my life. It has been a choice. I feel someone with an issue such as OCD does have to do check ins and if something goes into what i guess you could refer to as a crisis mode, its time for a check in and some more tools. We did do therapy before marriage actually. We also did some in the beginning. A continuation actually. I am looking for a word here....enemy is the best word I have that comes to mind. I feel like the enemy in the household and with the sex thing, the way you described it...it DOES feel like a reward and punishment..Reason says stop worrying about that at all. I know. Completely focus on household logistics, the happiness of the kids and being a functional, kind and good wife..(do not create more issues within issues) and just keep working on me. Keep doing what makes life better. Then that unreasonable side screams..don't let yourself be fooled, don't let yourself get caught up in bad things.

Edited again as another thought: I have asked him to be more supportive. He even asked, what does support look like to you. I told him. I told him a measure of empathy in those moments, knowing what it is I am going through and the technical of it help and not holding every OCD moment against me like some sort of toll. Then other times , when this is not happening...at all, he will say I don't know what to do and its not his responsibility to find out. That how it is affecting him is all he can keep up with. That it is my responsibility to tell him how. Yet, in so many ways I feel I have handed him a manual to some of these issues.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

loveforfamily said:


> You know, I have actually thought about gaslighting, and asked myself..how could that happen again? Ref. my ex. Then I step back and go okay, he is dealing with real issues with me and they have their affect on people around me. How do you begin to separate the two? you know? I have seen therapists in session a huge portion of my life. It has been a choice. I feel someone with an issue such as OCD does have to do check ins and if something goes into what i guess you could refer to as a crisis mode, its time for a check in and some more tools. We did do therapy before marriage actually. We also did some in the beginning. A continuation actually. I am looking for a word here....enemy is the best word I have that comes to mind. I feel like the enemy in the household and with the sex thing, the way you described it...it DOES feel like a reward and punishment..Reason says stop worrying about that at all. I know. Completely focus on household logistics, the happiness of the kids and being a functional, kind and good wife..(do not create more issues within issues) and just keep working on me. Keep doing what makes life better. Then that unreasonable side screams..don't let yourself be fooled, don't let yourself get caught up in bad things.
> 
> Edited again *as another thought: I have asked him to be more supportive. He even asked, what does support look like to you. I told him. I told him a measure of empathy in those moments, knowing what it is I am going through and the technical of it help and not holding every OCD moment against me like some sort of toll. Then other times , when this is not happening...at all, he will say I don't know what to do and its not his responsibility to find out. That how it is affecting him is all he can keep up with. That it is my responsibility to tell him how. Yet, in so many ways I feel I have handed him a manual to some of these issues*.


Well holy hell it's getting crowded in this bed! Roll over sister!

When is your next therapy session? I think you need to make him, YES MAKE HIM, attend with you and I think the topic needs to be with holding sex: behavior modification tool or just plain bullsh!t!


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Well holy hell it's getting crowded in this bed! Roll over sister!
> 
> When is your next therapy session? I think you need to make him, YES MAKE HIM, attend with you and I think the topic needs to be with holding sex: behavior modification tool or just plain bullsh!t!



Okay, lousy subject, but you made me smile with your post. I call withholding sex plain bull****. Maybe that is my HD mind a talking. Its a *****y behavioral modification tool and not one I chose to take on. I think wedding vowels should include no matter, grant it the obvious issues that can cause legitimate withhold/cant physically do it now, we will make like wild rabbits....NOW that is my lack of sex induced hormones being plain silly. I started looking again this week at our insurance and what we can handle counseling wise. I would like to see the one we had previously been to because he has our full background. I mean would it be too much to say either give me therapy or give me sexy? HA!! J/K sort of


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Okay, so how does one know the difference between gaslighting and your own issues? Also, has anyone else experienced sex being used as a transaction, and what did you do?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The only way to really tell about gaslighting is by taking him to your therapist and explaining everything. He can give his side and your therapist can help you see what's real and what's valid. This is the hardest part of healing. Owning your issues can sometimes cause you to own stuff that doesn't belong to you. It's impossible for anyone here to tell particularly since we all look at posts through our own lense, it's unavoidable.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It seems that emotionally he checked out from this relationship.


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

There are a lot of posts here, but wanted to chime in and say I like the idea that someone posted earlier about there being other ways to be intimate in relationships too. If he feels you are not "after" something, maybe emotional and then physical intimacy will occur organically. In other words, do you offer to rub or scratch his back? Do you ask him to do that for you? If you pass each other in the kitchen, do you touch at all? (hand on the back, rear, quick kiss) Do you hold hands? Do you sit close if you watch TV together? These things all breed emotional intimacy and can lead to physical intimacy. If you don't do these things (or if he does not), did you used to??


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

tryagain13 said:


> There are a lot of posts here, but wanted to chime in and say I like the idea that someone posted earlier about there being other ways to be intimate in relationships too. If he feels you are not "after" something, maybe emotional and then physical intimacy will occur organically. In other words, do you offer to rub or scratch his back? Do you ask him to do that for you? If you pass each other in the kitchen, do you touch at all? (hand on the back, rear, quick kiss) Do you hold hands? Do you sit close if you watch TV together? These things all breed emotional intimacy and can lead to physical intimacy. If you don't do these things (or if he does not), did you used to??


Well, there is some affection and to some degree. There are the touches, hugs, the whistle now and then in appreciation. We sit close on the couch if we are looking at something together. He does express he likes for me to sit near him. I do rub his back, little scratches here and there. I love on him in a sensitive fashion. There are small kisses here and there, but very infrequent. Do I like affection, well, obviously. I believe he does as well. The intimacy and the sex is what is missing and being held hostage. Should I be okay with this? I guess everyone has their level of acceptability. Yes, maybe it will build to more again. Yes, it was VERY VERY frequent before on all avenues. Hand holding always, flirtations, sex, intimacy, quiet moments, crazy good moments..etc etc...it has all but stopped. Some attentions and affection from both sides. I do not initiate for sex at all anymore, aside from trying to communicate the need, because frankly it is defeating to be turned down for not only the reasons I have stated before but a variation...sick, tired, beat, stressed etc etc. Yes I do little things for him. Make his lunch. Fix him some coffee. The things that make a morning go better and that I like to do. Thoughtful gifts. I compliment, with meaning. Let him know what he means and how much I do love him. I do not feel I have taken him for granted. Maybe I have missed something along the way...or maybe he is holding sex hostage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Love,

Can you take us through the 2-3 month time period before intimacy totally stopped. 

1. Did he suddenly go from many times a week to zero, or did he slowly taper off? 
2. What was happening in your life at that time? Can you think of anything specific or different that triggered his shut down? 

Have you changed physically weight gain/loss in the lead up, or during the drought? 

How affectionate was he? Is he now? In general how nice to you is he? 

Do you two fight about money or anything major like that which could cause him to resent you? 

I believe that your concern about an affair is valid. That doesn't mean it's true. It means that you have reasonable cause to worry. How open is he with his phone, passwords etc? 

How much checking have you quietly done to rule out an affair? 

In general does he flirt a lot, seem like the type who would cheat? 




loveforfamily said:


> Okay, I am going to try to go into more depth here. There is always the fear of when I admit my problems and what I contribute negatively, that it will take away from what is on my mind. In other words, I feel as though my personal issues invalidate any other issues that may exist in the marriage. Maybe they do take front stage, however, I am not sure that equates to completely ignoring them and to saying nothing else gets to get better until you are better. So, in short (haha too late) this next part is harder to express/write....
> 
> My outbursts can be pretty bad. I get to feeling pent up and then its like a release of feelings and worries all at once. I have the obsessive side, that obsessive over the whys and the compulsion is a release of my emotion. They can disrupt the peace in the household when they happen. On a day to day, I am okay, aside from the "did i turn the stove off, unplug the iron" sort of thing. As our intimacy has become lacking I find I obsess more and more over the why, and the what ifs and the is he..possibly..no he wouldn't do that. The anxiety s taking over. If you have ever dealt with an anxious person with OCD, then you probably start to feel for my husband. I get it, its hard to live with. I am trying to relate to that. i am trying to make things better for myself as in turn it makes things better for those around me. The whole whats good for you and is positive will be good for them. I am now alternating between "gosh I m lucky he hangs around at all" and the "yes he is here and I am thankful for all of this, however, does it just have to be when he thinks I am good now?". SO, I feel for him, I will talk when he needs about what is bothering him and I do try and meet his needs. Maybe I just do not know what he needs ultimately. Maybe my anxiety makes that harder to see?
> 
> ...


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

This is my take on his perspective:

He probably sees your emotional outbursts as something unpredictable as an earthquake. He knows it's coming but don't know where exactly or when or how strong it will be. His world is perhaps a beautiful place to live but the shadow of past events and uncertain present makes him fearful. 

He built thick walls where he feels safer now. Where he wouldn't be hurt when the earthquake strikes again. He doesn't wants to go outside where he would be exposed again and you need him outside to be there for you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My wife has OCD, but not like yours... more catastrophic thoughts constantly going round her head. Are you just doing therapy (the cognitive stuff) or are you taking meds (ADs) as well? Probably not, since your sex drive seems to be high.

I must say it's difficult to live with somebody with OCD. But at least you are doing something about it and it's a very long process.

My wife is the opposite. She is on ADs and she is not interested in therapy. She is fine with the meds... she can control it. In the past, she promised to go to therapy to fix herself and put the marriage back on track. You see, she has no libido, so we rarely have sex. A couple of years ago, she decided she didn't want therapy and nothing will ever change. Stuff the marriage, I thought!

Having said that, I think it's unfair of your husband to withhold sex. Intimacy should be part of the recovery process. It would help immensely. I can understand why he is reluctant, though.

I wish I had a wife like you... doing things proactively to fix the problem. Maybe your husband can have my wife... then, everybody would be happy...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I hear so many people on here say that if their husband or wife held out sex they would serve them divorce papers right away. I have a wife who i think has some issues and should prbably see a doctor regarding pain during sex and low libido ... I am not sure if serving her divorce papers because she is taking her time getting checked would bring us closer together and fix this issue..

Curious has someone served papers for divorce and had their wife come closer to them ? I am not sure if this would bond a couple 

Is there some way to get her to go to the doctor without being pushy or an ass about it , I definitely feel its overdue and we arent having sex for the last 6 weeks ..

Seems like a common issue on this forum , trying to come from a peaceful place yet I do want to have SEX ....


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

My experience is that divorce threats do nothing. If your bluffing, it will backfire and if you're not, there's no point in threatening. 

If you're sure you've already made the point that you are unhappy with you situation, talking more about does nothing. She's aware of the issue, she just doesn't care enough to do anything about it.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Love,
> 
> Can you take us through the 2-3 month time period before intimacy totally stopped.
> 
> ...


There is no fighting about much other than the issues at hand. We end up fighting over my concerns over the relationship,which then turns into why am I like I am, he cannot understand, my suspicions have to stop, my outbursts over my frustrations have to stop, etc. When it comes to decisions about the house, money and the kids we are on par most of the time. My oldest and learning the ins and out of teenager-ism (HA good times) gets us now and then, but other wise, we are pretty good. 

We have a 9 month old, so yes, physically there have been some changes. However, with that said, my husband prefers a bit more plump to a physical shape on a body and actually expressed he is okay if I don't get rid of the weight and seems disappointed when I start losing it.

We were slow go in pregnancy and then after, as expected, however we started back in again pretty well. Then it stopped, literally overnight. 

Here we are.

He is not the flirtatious type. He is a simple, sweet person and women tend to be drawn to him. HE used to share with me when women would hit on him. In fact, we would be honest with each other about all of that. That has stopped. When I asked him about it, he said he is simply not approached anymore and that he of course, is fine with that. He is not as open about a lot of things anymore. We talk, we hang out, he is nice to me. He is a bit picky,not at me, but about silly things. He works a lot and that is his mode of operation. He does not know how to not work hard. He gives hugs, nuzzles now and then and can be touchy when we are sitting next to each other.

I have tried the quiet and not mentioning anything to see if there are changes. The only changes are he says I get too quiet and not natural enough. AND we aren't fighting when I don't say things about anything. Yet, there is no inch of move from him on his front with the intimacy being any deeper, better, more progressed. When I write this out, this sounds like nothing but nagging from me in this message. 

I have told him at this point he will have to let me know when he is there again. That I cannot handle the rejection any more and that while we are worth fighting for, I cannot put myself in that position over and over. That I will not anymore. I respond when he approaches me for hugs and such. I go to him to give him that simple affection, but beyond that, I do not exert anymore. 

You know with some many atrocities in this world, this seems like a petty thing to talk about or complain about. In y own world, here in my home, it is bothersome. 

Maybe he is cheating, if he is then he is good at hiding it. I have done some searching. I did get busted on one search and he locked me out of his computer. I have access to his email, both of them now, his youtube, his phone when ever I want them. So, either its nothing or he is VERY good at hiding it all. I will say, as little as things were, it seemed every time I looked and even at his phone there are tiny little things that don't add up or always something tiny, but enough to make your gut gurgle that is found. Nothing concrete, nothing that gives the bright sign that you can go ahha look!

I have stopped bringing anything up. I will keep my eyes open though. Maybe, if something is going on, that will give enough comfort feeling for him to not be as sneaky. Then maybe on the other hand if I stp worrying, those things will make sense and I will go "oh it was nothing whew". 

Leading up to the sudden stop was actually us getting better, that is what baffles me. Then we had a disagreement one week and bam...all gone.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

As for a divorce, this right now is the furthest thing from my mind. It is not my end goal. My end goal is the relationship recovery to what we can have based on what we ave had in the past. I love the man dearly. I am very attracted to him and I think we typically make great friends, and in the past lovers. We have great goals for the kids and life in general. I will hold my ground that I will not have an extended marriage that lacks the intimacy. It is certainly not the most important thing in life, however, it is something in life I wish to enjoy.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

So, I am updating. I find myself here again reading posts, reading other stories and just trying to make sense of things. Maybe I hope to make sense of myself or my situation. Anyway, my update is going on 9 months and nada in the sex department. We have hugs, we have nice moments, we have held hands..etc. he makes a flirtatious move now and then to which I respond. He knows I am willing. I have done serious work on myself. I have some things to fine tune. I feel better about me. He says he feels better about us. He says it's all scheduling at this point, as we have a 1 year old. When we have had moments where things can get fired up, and don't, I remind his that the schedule is was clear. He says well it can't just be up to him. I told him and remind him, that I am all go however after months of rejection it's hard for me to initiate. He says okay well he will, so when said flirtatious moments happen, I let him know back "oh hey hottie".....still nothing. Need to add, we have not had a real kiss in months and months ....well longer even than our last encounter. He says well we have to keep working on what's good and the rest will follow. I feel as though that is what we have been doing. So why is the rest not following? I write this now as he sits in the living room sucked into videos and his book he is reading. Adding the fact the 13 year old is at her dad's and the baby is sound asleep. I started thinking, am I being led on? Who knows. One thing i couldn't write before and maybe this is also key, we had a few months better sex life before it went void. Then he asked me about a fetish of his. We have always been open and comfortable talking of these things. I said, hmmm I will have to think on that one. Same night i get a gut feeling. I go online and search anything with his email and come across a site he had just signed up on that day, regarding that fetish. He signed up as me. Posted our private pictures on there and sent private messages as me to three women. I confronted him immediately. He said he was going to talk with me about it and let me know and see how i felt, once he got home from work....add in here some days at a particular job there are very late nights as there should be but also breaks in time where he would have time to sign up and do this. I told him that is not a situation where you get to ask forgiveness before permission. He deleted the account, advised it was stupid etc etc. However, shortly there after our sex life stopped. Okay, so maybe I am beating a dead horse here. I just need to vent and yes, some insight is good. Thank you in advance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Often times, when sex stops in a marriage its because of something that happened to trigger it instead of just a slow dying of intimacy. 

In your case, this bit of info that you left out and the timing related to it seems pretty significant. If the two of you are not being intimate, is he using a lot of porn? Does any of the porn seem to fit this fetish of his?


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Often times, when sex stops in a marriage its because of something that happened to trigger it instead of just a slow dying of intimacy.
> 
> In your case, this bit of info that you left out and the timing related to it seems pretty significant. If the two of you are not being intimate, is he using a lot of porn? Does any of the porn seem to fit this fetish of his?


Yes, some of the porn did fit it. I say did, because I noticed a drop in that. I asked have your views or desires changed? His resonse, "no I am just more interested in binding with you sexually and all that goes with that including all the "naughty stuff" we used to do and desire." I let that raise my hopes. Well, that was a conversation held two months ago.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe he's working up his nerve.. flirting with you to see if you are going to respond positively. 

One can only hope.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

It's a defensive measure the psych docs call 'withholding':

Amazon.com: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (9781433804304): Robert W. Firestone, Lisa A. Firestone, Joyce Catlett: Books
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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