# I hooked up with my ex, not sure how to proceed



## dummkopf (Jun 1, 2018)

We have never been married. We have 3 kids together (+ 1 of her own) and were together for 7 years so our relationship was the same as a marriage, just easier to end. My ex wanted to be married, I chose to end the relationship. We broke up 2 years ago. 

We are on decent terms. Our relationship ended hard but not messy (no cheating, we didn’t hate each other). We can speak to each other and be around each other. We do dinners, movies, outings together as a family for our kids. There are still emotions there, for my ex, so I won’t say that we are on amazing terms. We are working on it and I hoped we would get there. Probably not now. 

Long story short:
-Tuesday I dropped off the kids and helped put them to bed because I was late dropping them off. 
-When the kids were asleep she asked me to stay, I should have said no. 
-She put on a movie that I enjoy but I know she hates. 
-She initiated touching.
-I kissed her. 
-She initiated oral, then sex. 
-I was shell-shocked, during our relationship she never initiated sex and oral almost never happened. Sex is a big deal for her, she doesn’t just hand it out.
-When the movie was over I intended to leave, she asked me to stay. I should have said no. 
-We had sex again. 
-Fell asleep together in her bed. 
-I initiated sex in the morning, she was naked next to me in bed. 
-We both had Wednesday off, spent the day together. 
-Did an excursion with the kids in the afternoon after school. 
-Spent Wednesday night together, had sex. 
-Came to my senses Thursday morning. I had to go to work, she asked if I’d come back after work, I said no. 
-She became extremely emotional. Crying, begging me to stay, saying she’d “do better”, make the sex “better”, stood in front of the doorway to try and stop me from leaving. Our kids were at school. 

Since leaving yesterday morning she has texted me a few times to please talk or come over. I have ignored the messages because I don’t know what to say. It's not like I can ignore her forever, we have kids together. I ****ed up. In the moment, I enjoyed being with her again. She is a great person and very attractive, there was just too many issues for our relationship. 

I know I ****ed up, hard. I hurt my ex. I ****ed up our relationship which will affect our kids. What do I do from here? I need an undo button.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Maybe her views have changed since the initial break up. Maybe she wants to be with you again but does not have to be married. Would you be ok with that?


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## dummkopf (Jun 1, 2018)

Edo Edo said:


> Maybe her views have changed since the initial break up. Maybe she wants to be with you again but does not have to be married. Would you be ok with that?


It's not that I don't want to be married, I didn't want to marry _her_. We had problems that I thought would improve over time, they didn't and they were deal breakers. ie) sex life, communication, shared interests.


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## KatL (May 31, 2018)

dummkopf said:


> I ****ed up. In the moment, I enjoyed being with her again. She is a great person and very attractive, there was just too many issues for our relationship.


Can you calmly tell her this? It will hurt, but you have to try to have a mature relationship for the sake of your kids. 

Good luck.


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## dummkopf (Jun 1, 2018)

KatL said:


> Can you calmly tell her this? It will hurt, but you have to try to have a mature relationship for the sake of your kids.
> 
> Good luck.


I'm not sure how to tell her that without her taking it like "hey, thanks for the sex, but I still don't want you." I have been casually (not exclusively) seeing someone else, I could tell my ex I'm with someone else and seeing where that goes.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

dummkopf said:


> It's not that I don't want to be married, I didn't want to marry _her_. We had problems that I thought would improve over time, they didn't and they were deal breakers. ie) sex life, communication, shared interests.


1. Took you *3*kids to realize you didnt want to marry _her?_
2. Communication doesnt seem to be your strong suit either. 

Staying for kids can make for a miserable marriage but you two need to actually communicate and talk these points over like adults for their sake.

edited to add: I personally LOATHE the termed "hooked up". Seems to be for people who are trying to minimize sex or not mature enough to talk about it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Send your ex here. She is the one that needs help and advice. You, on the other hand, are something else!!!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, just be civil. Answer her questions, but don't sleep with her again. You said that you didn't want to marry her. Leave it that way. Be civil. Tell her kindly that you need to have your space to hear yourself think. You already know that you don't want to be with her again. Don't accept any invitations for stay overs with her. Just don't if you don't want to be with her again. She'll go back to being herself & you'll be back to square one.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

dummkopf said:


> I'm not sure how to tell her that without her taking it like "hey, thanks for the sex, but I still don't want you." I have been casually (not exclusively) seeing someone else, I could tell my ex I'm with someone else and seeing where that goes.



So, you're casually dating. You think she hasn't been? It probably won't stop her from wanting a real relationship with you. 

What you described sounded beautiful. You don't think your kids were over the moon with seeing mommy and daddy together? Why would you not give her a chance? 

There is so much pus... out there. Woman today are giving themselves so cheaply today. 
But only 1 woman out there is the mother of your kid. That should mean something to you. I think it should be something to at least give a chance to explore if could she has changed.

BTW: Speaking of changing for the better, have you improved into a better man?


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Can't like this enough! I think this is excellent advice, it sounds like to me like she will do anything to make it work. From your description of her it seems like small things that can be worked and it sounds like she is willing to try. I would take baby steps, communicate with her, get into counselling and go with it. Unless there are some underlying issues not mentioned. Two of the things you mentioned were problems were sex and communication. It sounds like she is willing to totally change on both of those. I would at least hear her out...



jsmart said:


> So, you're casually dating. You think she hasn't been? It probably won't stop her from wanting a real relationship with you.
> 
> What you described sounded beautiful. You don't think your kids were over the moon with seeing mommy and daddy together? Why would you not give her a chance?
> 
> ...


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## dummkopf (Jun 1, 2018)

Middle of Everything said:


> 1. Took you *3*kids to realize you didnt want to marry _her?_
> 2. Communication doesnt seem to be your strong suit either.
> 
> Staying for kids can make for a miserable marriage but you two need to actually communicate and talk these points over like adults for their sake.
> ...


You are correct that I should have called it off sooner, I'm not going to argue with that. Our first child together was unplanned, in a way our other two were as well. It was a mistake to decide to try for another, when I wasn't fully in it. I don't believe in staying in a relationship for the kids, that doesn't create a happy home.

I cannot go back and change that now.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

dummkopf said:


> I'm not sure how to tell her that without her taking it like "hey, thanks for the sex, but I still don't want you." I have been casually (not exclusively) seeing someone else, I could tell my ex I'm with someone else and seeing where that goes.


The question you have to answer for yourself is whether IF the problem which separated you was corrected and resolved, would you then want to marry her? 

If that is true, when you discuss the problem, preface it with exactly that statement. That you WOULD want to marry her, if the problem could be resolved. That way, she is not likely to "get the wrong message".

If that is true, I would not discuss the "someone else" at all. I'd also recommend you not have the "someone else" just now. There will be plenty of time for that if your very best try fails to resolve your issue. Don't worry......just concentrate your efforts toward resolution.



jsmart said:


> There is so much pus... out there. Woman today are giving themselves so cheaply today.
> But only 1 woman out there is the mother of your kid.


Yes. Please be aware, that strange pus will serve not only to alienate the mother of your child, but also your child. Children do not readily accept stepmothers, especially when they recognize the new woman has sinned against, and hurt, their mother. They will see her as an adulteress and will blame her for breaking up their family. You will never.....NEVER....convince them that she is a good person who was not an interloper.

Please choose wisely.....


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## dummkopf (Jun 1, 2018)

jsmart said:


> So, you're casually dating. You think she hasn't been? It probably won't stop her from wanting a real relationship with you.
> 
> What you described sounded beautiful. You don't think your kids were over the moon with seeing mommy and daddy together? Why would you not give her a chance?
> 
> ...


I am casually dating, yes. I have had one relationship since our break up. As far as I know, no she is not dating and has not since our break up. I don't like the idea of other men around my kids, but it's none of my business. I knew when I left her that she might find someone else.

It would probably be healthy for her to date but I doubt she will, knowing her. With our custody schedule I have more free time than she does. She is on the ****ty side of the table with what she brings. She's 28 with a 10 year old (previous relationship), 5 year old and 2 year old twins with medical conditions (born at 26 weeks). I have the same "baggage" (less the 10 year old) but I can be casual about dating and sex, she cannot. 

I think you are wrong, if she found someone else I think it would help her get over me. She isn't a casual dater. That's none of my business though. 

We lied to our kids about why I was there, neither my ex or I want to get their hopes up for no reason.

She is the mother of my children, and she will always be important to me in that sense. I honestly don't know if I'd get back with her. We've been separated for 2 years, I've moved on. If I knew that we could have our issues resolved, and we'd be happy. Then I probably would. I don't want to go through another breakup, I don't want to hurt my kids again, and I don't want to ruin our co-parenting relationship, though that might be out the window.


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## dummkopf (Jun 1, 2018)

Volunteer86 said:


> Can't like this enough! I think this is excellent advice, it sounds like to me like she will do anything to make it work. From your description of her it seems like small things that can be worked and it sounds like she is willing to try. I would take baby steps, communicate with her, get into counselling and go with it. Unless there are some underlying issues not mentioned. Two of the things you mentioned were problems were sex and communication. It sounds like she is willing to totally change on both of those. I would at least hear her out...


I haven't told our whole story, but we didn't have HUGE issues (ie, infidelity, addiction). They probably could have been resolved if we both had worked hard enough.

Now, I'm not sure. How long is too long? It has been 2 years and I was checked out of the relationship before ending it. I don't want to try again and redo all the hurt.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

dummkopf said:


> I am casually dating, yes. I have had one relationship since our break up. *As far as I know, no she is not dating and has not since our break up*. I don't like the idea of other men around my kids, but it's none of my business. I knew when I left her that she might find someone else.
> 
> It would probably be healthy for her to date but I doubt she will, knowing her. With our custody schedule I have more free time than she does. She is on the ****ty side of the table with what she brings. *She's 28 with a 10 year old (previous relationship), 5 year old and 2 year old twins with medical conditions (born at 26 weeks). I have the same "baggage" (less the 10 year old) but I can be casual about dating and sex, she cannot. *
> 
> ...


So you do understand the differences that a single dad vs a single mom face in the dating market. Since she has the kids most of the time, it makes it harder for her to build anything with a guy. This doesn't even take into account that many guys wouldn't want to seriously date a woman with 3 kids from 2 different men.

I think you're guessing wrong that she hasn't dated. She probably has and has seen that most guys are not taking her serious, which would explain her re-assessment of you and her willingness to put out. You don't think those more aggressive moves she used on you, were learned performing them on different men she's dated over the past 2 years?

I think you'll regret not giving her a chance to see if there is something still there. Eventually she will find a man that's willing to take her serious. When there is some other dude spending more time with your kids than your are, it'll hit you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think what you did is really really really really crappy. You had sex with her multiple times, stayed overnight, played family with her, ALL the while knowing you weren't really into her, yet you know sex isn't casual for her. 

You don't seem a man of integrity to me. Be one: have an honest conversation with her regarding your intentions and apologize for leading her on.


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## dummkopf (Jun 1, 2018)

jsmart said:


> So you do understand the differences that a single dad vs a single mom face in the dating market. Since she has the kids most of the time, it makes it harder for her to build anything with a guy. This doesn't even take into account that many guys wouldn't want to seriously date a woman with 3 kids from 2 different men.
> 
> I think you're guessing wrong that she hasn't dated. She probably has and has seen that most guys are not taking her serious, which would explain her re-assessment of you and her willingness to put out. You don't think those more aggressive moves she used on you, were learned performing them on different men she's dated over the past 2 years?
> 
> I think you'll regret not giving her a chance to see if there is something still there. Eventually she will find a man that's willing to take her serious. When there is some other dude spending more time with your kids than your are, it'll hit you.


I am well aware that single moms have it a lot harder than single dads. It sucks that it’s that way, but that is what they trade for majority custody. I don’t even want to think about her “performing moves” on other men. It makes me nauseous. She isn’t the type to sleep around, so if she has then she isn’t who she use to be and she is throwing that away for what? A man? When we were together she had only been with her daughters father and me. I can’t see her tossing that out the window for someone she isn’t even serious about. 

You think I don’t know that some piece of **** could spend a hell of a lot more time with my kids than me? We have 85/15 custody, due to my work schedule. My ex’s ****ing deadbeat has more time than that and he comes around just enough to **** with their lives. I work my ass off so I can pay $4300/month for my kids, and have barely any time with them. Meanwhile a deadbeat lives off welfare and drug money, doesn’t pay a cent, doesn’t show up and has 3x the amount of time?

The time that I get with my kids? 1 weekend a month and 3 additional hours a week. Plus all holidays and two weeks in the summer. My ex usually lets me come over or take the kids whenever I have the chance, that’s probably over now. Good job. So yes, she could find another man who will spend FAR more time with MY kids than I can. That ********* will be their dad in their eyes, I’ll just be the dude that takes them for ****ing ice cream sometimes. 

How does one even go about reconciling after dumping someone after 7 years, on Valentine’s Day, while pregnant, and a month later being in a relationship with another woman? And have some sort of guarantee that they are not wasting time with unsolvable problems? If they couldn’t be solved then, what makes them solvable 2 years later? She couldn’t find anyone else that wanted an instant family and baggage so she’s going to try and settle for me again? That sounds like a recipe for success.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I think what you did is really really really really crappy. You had sex with her multiple times, stayed overnight, played family with her, ALL the while knowing you weren't really into her, yet you know sex isn't casual for her.
> 
> You don't seem a man of integrity to me. Be one: have an honest conversation with her regarding your intentions and apologize for leading her on.


^^^ This. SO much this. Very cruel.



dummkopf said:


> The time that I get with my kids? 1 weekend a month and 3 additional hours a week. Plus all holidays and two weeks in the summer. My ex usually lets me come over or take the kids whenever I have the chance, that’s probably over now. Good job. So yes, she could find another man who will spend FAR more time with MY kids than I can. That ********* will be their dad in their eyes, I’ll just be the dude that takes them for ****ing ice cream sometimes.


You chose that when you chose to end the relationship, and leave your partner with 3 kids, including twins with special needs. 




dummkopf said:


> How does one even go about reconciling after dumping someone after 7 years, on Valentine’s Day, while pregnant, and a month later being in a relationship with another woman? And have some sort of guarantee that they are not wasting time with unsolvable problems? If they couldn’t be solved then, what makes them solvable 2 years later? She couldn’t find anyone else that wanted an instant family and baggage so she’s going to try and settle for me again? That sounds like a recipe for success.


Omg really? Wow - I honestly don't know why she wants you back at all.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

dummkopf said:


> She couldn’t find anyone else that wanted an instant family and baggage so she’s going to try and settle for me again? That sounds like a recipe for success.


She is probably frantic to re-establish a "secure" life, and she may have been the same at the beginning of your marriage. You were "plan B provider guy" in the beginning, too.

I've got news..... I've been "plan B provider guy" in one GF relationship, and 3 marriages. We are, unfortunately, just born "beta"...and, it is a characteristic we cannot change. It is inextricably woven into our DNA.

The only wives we can get are those to whom we will be "plan B". We will never be "plan A", not to any woman. You can move on, without your kids, into another relationship, where you will also be "plan B".... or you can put yourself back into this one, be "plan B", with your kids...

The fact is, that 85/15 custody arrangement will never change. Unless your wife dies, becomes drug addicted, or goes to prison, the courts will keep those kids with their mother.

The fact is, both you and I will have absolutely no difficulty whatsoever finding another woman. However, the women we can have are from among the "instant family and baggage" distribution. Because we are no longer 18 and in high school, and those women who are not "instant family and baggage" married their alpha, and he is "plan A", so they celebrate their 50th anniversary together with all their kids, none of whom have been sired by another man.

That's your choice..... I know. It sucks. We're not allowed to choose between "good" and "bad", only between "bad" and "worse".

Choose wisely......


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