# Confused and scared, need advice, please help



## bardo (Sep 2, 2017)

Hello all... Like many of you I never thought I'd be posting here. Well, here I am... I am confused and need some advice as to what I should do in the very messy situation I suddenly find myself in.

My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6, with two boys ages 7 and 4. Something hasn't been quite right for the last 6 months between us. Last February I started the first of many conversations with her, asking what was wrong, why she was so distant, etc. Over the next 4 months, things seemed like they were getting better in that she was less distant and we started having sex again. We took a couple trips together without kids and had a great time. But then a couple months ago the distance returned, and again I tried to talk to her, begging her to tell me what was wrong. I asked her specifically “Is there a problem with our relationship?”, and she would always respond with “No, we’re fine”.

Well, it turns out this whole time something was really wrong. Last night, again, I tried to get her to open up. After about 10 minutes of silence, she finally blurted out that she’s been unhappy with our relationship for a long time. And then came the hammer of doom: she met someone, and has had sex with him “a couple times”. And that this new person is not just a fling, that she has feelings for him, etc. I was devastated and nearly lost my mind. I stayed up all night crying and here I am typing…

We have had our issues, to be sure, and I haven’t been perfect. I harped on her over what I perceived to be her laziness. I was uncomfortable with her excessive drinking over the years and didn’t always deal with my disapproval in the right way. BUT I feel I *tried*, especially in these last 6 months, I tried and tried to talk to her and she gave me nothing in return. She didn’t even give me a chance, didn’t even offer any hint as to what the problem was. I would have done anything to keep her here; changed any behavior, etc. But she has already told me she is not willing to change a thing about herself for me. I’ve never felt pain like this before. Pain from her cheating on me. Pain from her lying to me over and over for 6 months, telling me nothing was wrong.

Now she wants to get a lawyer together, so that we can work it out with a mediator. My friend is telling me that since she cheated on me, all bets are off, and that I should remove her from my bank account immediately and cut off from credit cards. That I should hire my own lawyer and be prepared to battle it out. Not give her anything, because of her betrayal. Our lives are so intertwined, a shared car, mortgage, preschool fees, phone bills, student loans…. UGH. I don’t even know where to start! Please help!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very hard to separate 2 married people, especially with children, but so many do it. 
Does she want to carry on seeing the OM? Or is she prepared to give him up and work on the marriage?Or does she want to move in with him?
My advice if she refuses to give him up, get a good fair lawyer, don't move out of your home, and see what he advises.
The children need to be your first priority, as they clearly aren't hers.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

bardo said:


> Hello all... Like many of you I never thought I'd be posting here. Well, here I am... I am confused and need some advice as to what I should do in the very messy situation I suddenly find myself in.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6, with two boys ages 7 and 4. Something hasn't been quite right for the last 6 months between us. Last February I started the first of many conversations with her, asking what was wrong, why she was so distant, etc. Over the next 4 months, things seemed like they were getting better in that she was less distant and we started having sex again. We took a couple trips together without kids and had a great time. But then a couple months ago the distance returned, and again I tried to talk to her, begging her to tell me what was wrong. I asked her specifically “Is there a problem with our relationship?”, and she would always respond with “No, we’re fine”.
> 
> ...


The hard part right now for you is to let your brain override how your heart is pulling you. She is having an affair and been lying to you for months. You need to hire your own attorney and start to protect yourself. You should file for divorce immediately. 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and it's all about the fantasy world the affair partners make. Once exposed and "real life" comes into play many affairs fall apart. You also need to show your wife you will not tolerate this behavior and don't "need" her. Don't beg or plead, she has betrayed you in the worst way and you need to care about yourself right now. In very general terms once a woman falls out of love they rarely get it back. The quicker and more in control you act right now the better off you will be emotionally in the long run.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Listen to your friend.

Cancle all joint credit cards
Gather all important papers
Go see a lawyer know what your rights are
Go see a councler 
Start exercising
Be the best dad you can be
Stay away from booze
Keep your cool


Best of luck to you


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## bardo (Sep 2, 2017)

honcho said:


> The hard part right now for you is to let your brain override how your heart is pulling you. She is having an affair and been lying to you for months. You need to hire your own attorney and start to protect yourself. You should file for divorce immediately.
> 
> Affairs thrive in secrecy and it's all about the fantasy world the affair partners make. Once exposed and "real life" comes into play many affairs fall apart. You also need to show your wife you will not tolerate this behavior and don't "need" her. Don't beg or plead, she has betrayed you in the worst way and you need to care about yourself right now. In very general terms once a woman falls out of love they rarely get it back. The quicker and more in control you act right now the better off you will be emotionally in the long run.


Thank you both. Honcho, your post makes sense, and I know deep down you are right. Today I’ve gone from calling her an evil, horrible person to begging and pleading with her to change her mind. Pretty pathetic, I know. QUESTION: you said to hire my own lawyer, is there a reason to do that rather than go to a lawyer together for attempted mediation? (which is what she wants to do) Mediation is a FAR less expensive route, and we’re already both going to be broke once we divide the assets, separate our living environments, etc. She says she wants to be reasonable and won’t ask for much: she wants 50/50 custody and a “reasonable” amount of child support, nothing more.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

bardo said:


> Thank you both. Honcho, your post makes sense, and I know deep down you are right. Today I’ve gone from calling her an evil, horrible person to begging and pleading with her to change her mind. Pretty pathetic, I know. QUESTION: you said to hire my own lawyer, is there a reason to do that rather than go to a lawyer together for attempted mediation? (which is what she wants to do) Mediation is a FAR less expensive route, and we’re already both going to be broke once we divide the assets, separate our living environments, etc. She says she wants to be reasonable and won’t ask for much: she wants 50/50 custody and a “reasonable” amount of child support, nothing more.


Cheaters lie a lot you'd better wake up.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

bardo said:


> Thank you both. Honcho, your post makes sense, and I know deep down you are right. Today I’ve gone from calling her an evil, horrible person to begging and pleading with her to change her mind. Pretty pathetic, I know. QUESTION: you said to hire my own lawyer, is there a reason to do that rather than go to a lawyer together for attempted mediation? (which is what she wants to do) Mediation is a FAR less expensive route, and we’re already both going to be broke once we divide the assets, separate our living environments, etc. She says she wants to be reasonable and won’t ask for much: she wants 50/50 custody and a “reasonable” amount of child support, nothing more.


In most states one lawyer can't represent both of you. The lawyer works in the best interests of one person. You can alway chose to go to mediation, it's not an either or proposal. Right now you have no real idea of how asset division, child support, possible alimony etc etc work in your state. It's not a mediators job to explain all this. Divorce doesn't have to be a bloodbath but you also need to know legally what you are entitled to and on the hook for before you start negotiations. 

If she doesn't like the fact you want to talk to a lawyer, too bad, she didn't ask your opinion about her affair before starting it. Also I wouldn't tell her your talking to a lawyer, it's will just create drama. You also have some advantages if you file and are the petitioner rather than the respondent. You have a little more control of the process. 

Again in general terms but wayward spouses are notorious for not finishing things and drags everything out. You can alway go the mediation route but certainly don't do it without a lawyer to help you. 

Don't read too much into her wanting to be reasonable right now. At this time she just wants out to go play in affairland. The deal almost always gets worse the longer the process goes on and if her affair ends she will try and take you for everything.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

bardo said:


> Thank you both. Honcho, your post makes sense, and I know deep down you are right. Today I’ve gone from calling her an_* evil, horrible person*_ to begging and pleading with her to change her mind. Pretty pathetic, I know. QUESTION: you said to hire my own lawyer, is there a reason to do that rather than go to a lawyer together for attempted mediation? (which is what she wants to do) Mediation is a FAR less expensive route, and we’re already both going to be broke once we divide the assets, separate our living environments, etc. She says she wants to be reasonable and won’t ask for much: she wants 50/50 custody and a “reasonable” amount of child support, nothing more.


She lied to your face, probably had sex with you after she was with OM, get your own lawyer, document everything, go for 100 percent custody, EVERYTHING.

Anytime your heart starts to feel for her, remind yourself of what she has done. Your marriage is dead & gone. If at a future date, you want to reconcile, it's a new relationship with different rules.

Bury your current relationship. Sorry you are here. Life will get better again, just gonna need some time.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

bardo said:


> Thank you both. Honcho, your post makes sense, and I know deep down you are right. Today I’ve gone from calling her an evil, horrible person to begging and pleading with her to change her mind. Pretty pathetic, I know. QUESTION: you said to hire my own lawyer, is there a reason to do that rather than go to a lawyer together for attempted mediation? (which is what she wants to do) Mediation is a FAR less expensive route, and we’re already both going to be broke once we divide the assets, separate our living environments, etc. She says she wants to be reasonable and won’t ask for much: she wants 50/50 custody and a “reasonable” amount of child support, nothing more.


Stop telling her anything

She's not listening to a word

Find out who he is, if you don't already know and wallpaper the town with their despicable behavior

Her family
Your family
His family
His wife
Facebook
Instagram
Email

Blow it out of the water.

Just hold your nose and do it.

She hasn't respected you for years. She's just acting on it.

She'll notice this. She's banking on your cowardice. So is posOM.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't do anything involving finances until you talk to a lawyer. 

Does she work?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*For the time being, to hell with the mediator!

"180" her, then go find yourself a piranha of a family attorney to fastly advise you of all of your custodial and community property rights! Also, get yourself tested by your MD for the possible presence of any STD's!

My profound sympathy goes with you, but you don't owe that W of yours the damned time of day!

Cut up joint credit cards, take her name off of bank accounts, and move on! If she asks you to leave the residence, stand firm and don't do it! Make her!

And also let your family and friends know all about it! And have a VAR around to tape any conversation or dialogue with her! She simply cannot be trusted!*


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## laststraw (Mar 19, 2017)

Bardo I am sincerely sorry for what you are going through. I do have to say that I am beyond shocked by some of the responses and even more so by who posted them. This is supposed to be a site to help you through a difficult time in your life not add fuel to the fire. Blasting your W wrongdoings to everyone may make you temporarily feel better but how will the children feel hearing people putting down their mother - I don't know their ages so it may not affect them now but one day it will.
Locking your W out of all accounts can be perceived negatively by the courts - open your own accounts - talk to a lawyer to find out the laws in your state and what actions to take to protect yourself and your children.
W may sound as if she is being fair but if you have 50/50 custody and kids are with you 50% of the time then child support is not warranted in certain situations. Does W work or was she a stay at home mother? These things come into play when going through this horrible situation.
As for mediation some states require it as a normal part of the divorce process - even with separate lawyers.

It boils down to consulting a lawyer - taking care of yourself and your children. Try to find a way to let go of hostilities for the sake of the children after all she is still their mother. Do not stoop to the level some have suggested as this can hurt the children and yourself in the long run. Be the bigger person.

I hope you get to see this as I do not know if it will be allowed to stay up given I am saying the opposite of arbitrator - who knows I may get kicked out for this but keep in mind the children are the most important in this as don't do things that can end up hurting them. I really do feel for you and will pray for things to get better.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Bardo,

If you want to fight for your family, then fight.

If you want to lay down and take it, that's a choice too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Go to the dr and tell him what is happening. Zoloft is good for anxiety so you can function.

Please listen: once this stuff starts, it will never get better. The love and the person you once knew is dead. Really. Dead. The person you know now is your enemy. You truly have to accept this.

I predict one day you will thank her for this. Really. I've been there.
Take heart, my friend. Your life is about to change for the better. Why do I say that? You've been spending it with a woman who doesn't love or respect you for years.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop with the pathetic begging... really?? THIS is the woman you want? The one who was willing to lie to your face and share her body with another man?? Do you really think you dont deserve better that that?

Get your own lawyer, I ended up getting screwed by letting just HIS lawyer do things. Dont fall for that crap.


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## Melrose8888 (Jan 1, 2017)

Sorry to find you here, Bardo.

Sounds like an almost identical situation to mine. So, my personal advice is that this is over. She is long gone and there is no coming back. Hard to hear? Yes, I know but it doesn't mean it's not the best thing to tell you right now.

If you want to fight for this, then exposure is necessary, she must stop seeing the OM. Contact the OMW (I left this too late, even though I didn't want R, she deserved to know the truth sooner).

That said, whatever your goal here, divorce is necessary. She will see you taking that decision as a sign of strength - that will either perk her interest again, or if not, you have your answer. Either way, it is the best thing for you and your kids.

Above all, get a lawyer, get moving on divorce, get it done as soon as possible. This is to protect you, help you recover. Get it done quickly and make sure you settle for nothing less than 50% of everything.

All of this will take time, so be patient and kind to yourself. Learn from your mistakes, grieve, then move on to better things and a woman who deserves you.

Keep strong, keep posting here.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

They are all right my friend. No more begging and get a lawyer to protect you and your assets. I am going through almost the same thing right now and it sucks so bad. I hurt and don't hurt easily. Also don't bash her on the Internet or in public forums. As with my STBX she will drag her feet. I had my attorney legally force her to do paperwork. They want their cake and eat it too. No way. Take the pain, bury it and go to war.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Oh one more thing. Forget primary custody unless your wife gets convicted of a crime or does something horrendous in public. Be careful with taping and gathering information: a lot of that stuff is illegal without consent and she can press charges.


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