# What to do



## Lainey12 (Oct 17, 2020)

I feel like I'm in a daze, my mind is working on overdrive. When my husband and I were together exclusively and engaged. I found out several months into my marriage that he had cheated on me.
1. He was in constant communication with his ex fiance even two days before we officially tied the knot. He was telling her he wanted to kill himself.

2. From what I was told he was seeing other girls. His roommate said he took a girl out then me that same day. This was on one occasion. That he (his roommate knew about).

3. He had went to Las Vegas 3 weeks before our marriage for work and I found messages between him and a prostitute. I don't know how many prostitutes he saw or who he was in contact with.

This happened last year and we married last year in December. I found all this out this year in April. He and his ex were still in contact as of march 30th and she didn't even know he was married. In april I was 2 months pregnant. So as you can guess I was so devastated and broken. Here I am thinking my husband loved me and it was all a lie. I hated him after this and I thought I could work past all this but its been several months and everytime he tells me he's sorry. I don't believe him. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to do it again.

He told me when I found out and I'll just sum it up. To get over it, it was his past it meant nothing. He threatened to kill himself and even called his mom. In which she told me the same thing and to focus on our baby that the past is the past. I won't lie ever since that day I resent him. My hatred for him grows as the days go. I feel trapped even the good days remind me of my confinement. To his defense hes tried to change and hes a great father to our now 3 week old but I feel miserable and unhappy.

Do cheaters ever really change? I feel like the man I thought I married was a lie. I feel I'm stuck with an imposter a shallow vessel of the man I once loved so deeply.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

do you have parents or family you can move in with for support? 

You have legitimate grievance here and legitimate cause for concern. But you are also 3 weeks post partum so your hormones are all over the map and running on no sleep and likely completely overwhelmed with the demands of a new baby. 

You need a lot of help and support and close family is probably best to provide that.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

This man has disrespected you in every way possible.

Not only did he emotionally cheat on you with someone he loves/loved, but he also saught out prostitutes?? Up until he married you and after. 

This is not a foundation to build a marriage on. The "I will kill myself" is attention-seeking blame-shifting at best. 

You will get through this! Focus on that new little one and take it day by day. The anger is better than wallowing and feeling like you weren't enoug.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear * Lainey12 *

May I suggest some individual consoling to figure out what you want to do? You are in a tough place, but you need to take charge of your life. Your marriage may or may not be something you want to continue, but that is a huge decision you need to make. 

Your husband doesn't sound like the most mature guy in the world. I have dated before marriage two women on the same day and one turned out to be my wife of nearly 49 years so far. The self-thrown bachelor party in Vegas with the prostitute is hugely disrespectful, but it was before marriage. The ex-finance is also disrespectful and sounds like he wanted to keep a plan B alive in case his marriage didn't live up to what he wanted. 

Get help and Good luck.
·


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

See if you can get an annulment.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lainey12 said:


> I feel like I'm in a daze, my mind is working on overdrive. When my husband and I were together exclusively and engaged. I found out several months into my marriage that he had cheated on me.
> 1. He was in constant communication with his ex fiance even two days before we officially tied the knot. He was telling her he wanted to kill himself.
> 
> 2. From what I was told he was seeing other girls. His roommate said he took a girl out then me that same day. This was on one occasion. That he (his roommate knew about).
> ...


It sure does mean something. He is just doing random things with his life and deceiving you and others and isn't faithful or responsible. He brought a child into this knowing he was all over the place! If he's a great father, then great, divorce him and give him joint 50/50 custody so you can have a work and social life and some leisure time to do the things you'd like to do. 

Forget about him threatening suicide! That's how he's been manipulating everyone this whole time and it's a lie and means nothing. I mean apparently he was unsuicidal enough to get right into a relationship with you while still talking to his ex, so not even depressed, best I can tell. Just a manipulative lying jerk. I say sever the marriage and do joint custody and find someone you can trust.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I had to think and put my thoughts together to respond to you, because I am still very much in the midst of my issues with a cheating husband and it hurts to even read your anguish. But it helps too, because I’m not alone in this pain and neither are you. I hope you know that.
1. Your husband is a pig. Remorse does not EVER include the words “get over it”, or “it’s in the past”. Your feelings are telling you exactly the right things about this situation. You have every damn right to feel hate, anger, sadness, and the inability to move on because you were wronged to the highest degree.
2. Your husband sleeps with prostitutes. He could have given you something and killed your baby and he didn’t give two sh!ts about that. I hope you have already gone through the gambit of testing for STIs already.
3. You are asking the wrong question, “does a cheater ever really change?”, you need to ask... “does it effing matter?” He already destroyed your life as you know it, married you under false pretenses, cheated many ways, lied to your face hundreds of times, hid everything he could hide, and tried to make you feel like you’re over reacting to his DISGUSTING behaviors. Does it really matter if he can keep it in his pants for years or decades? He would still be a pig, maybe just a cleaner one. (And no, he most likely will never stop cheating, his problem is HIM, as a person.)
4. Lastly, what really helped me to get some clarity on my situation was this forum and two books (Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life and Cheating in a Nutshell, please read them you will feel so much relief afterward, knowing you’re NORMAL) and the ever present thought that runs through my head on a daily basis, that I would NEVER do something like what my husband did to me to anyone. And I would die before I did something like this to a person whom I loved and adored. Never. So how could I ever possibly be ok with being with a person who HAS done this to me?? How do you ever feel comfortable again KNOWING he stabbed you right in your back for his own pleasure? My answer is always the same, I can’t. I won’t. And I don’t want to. 
I am sending you a huge hug. I know you’re hurting. I’m here for you.
(On a side note, the Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life book tells you exactly how to deal with spouses who threaten suicide)


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lainey12 said:


> *Do cheaters ever really change?* I feel like the man I thought I married was a lie. I feel I'm stuck with an imposter a shallow vessel of the man I once loved so deeply.


Rare, and only if they are 100% remorseful. Doesn't look like your husband is however, furthermore he uses emotional blackmail to manipulate you and others as well as justify his infidelity.
Sadly the man you loved is a shallow vessel of the man you thought you loved, he hasn't changed.

If you do want to heal from this, tell us, what has he done through his actions to show you that he is indeed remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage?

Moving forward, even if you do decide to take this route of recovery, you should also know that your relationship will never have 100% trust ever again. Keep that in mind as you make your decision.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lainey12 said:


> I feel like I'm in a daze, my mind is working on overdrive. When my husband and I were together exclusively and engaged. I found out several months into my marriage that he had cheated on me.
> 1. He was in constant communication with his ex fiance even two days before we officially tied the knot. He was telling her he wanted to kill himself.
> 
> 2. From what I was told he was seeing other girls. His roommate said he took a girl out then me that same day. This was on one occasion. That he (his roommate knew about).
> ...


If you were two months pregnant in April, the baby wouldn't be due until next month. If the baby came early, they would probably still be in the NICU. So those dates are throwing me off.

Regardless, your husband is a serial cheater. Until he gets into therapy and does the hard work, he won't change. You say he's tried to change... What has he actually done to change, and is he all talk or is he actually following through and being consistent? Of course you feel miserable. This issue hasn't been properly dealt with and he doesn't want to deal with it... he wants to rug sweep it. Yes, cheaters can change but they have to want to and they have to put in the hard work to change. Your husband doesn't want to do that, he wants to take the easy way out.

Here's another book recommendation: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald


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## The IT Guy (Oct 17, 2020)

Lainey12 said:


> Do cheaters ever really change?


Possibly, but there's always going to be that chance that they'll still cheat if given the chance even if they're making a conscious choice to change. And there's never really ever going to be any trust with any type of relationship once someone's cheated. Personally speaking, I'd leave because sometimes you have to put yourself first.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Any time he threatens suicide/self harm, call 911 immediately.

If he is truly suicidal he will get the help he needs.

If he is just saying that to be manipulative (which is 99.9999% likely) then once he is hauled away and spends 72 hours in a nut facility, then he may think twice about pulling that crap again.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Threatening suicide seems to be his "go to" for manipulation. Agreed to cure him of that, call 911 immediately every time he does that and let them deal with his coward self. I see mom coddles him. Had you been coddling him, too? I have to be honest with you, I find it hard to believe you haven't seen the signs before. I do understand, you trusted him, but he had to have some bright red flags given that he does it all, from exes, to new hookups, to Vegas, to prostitutes. A john, a boyfriend, a husband, and a soon-to-be dad. A real Renaissance man.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Everything you are feeling is 100% normal. But please, also keep in mind, you just gave birth recently. Your hormones are all over the place and post partum depression is a very common thing. That COULD be coming into play with your feelings here as well, escalating the pain you already feel.


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