# Wife thinks I should do something to make her wanting to leave me easy



## Level (May 18, 2014)

I think my wife uses sex as a weapon. We haven't had sex in months. We are rarely intimate as she is always angry and pissed with me about almost everything I do. I'm pretty much always in the doghouse. Even when things are going good and I think I can initiate sex, NOPE! She's still mad and brings up old stuff. My wife told me she wishes I would cheat so I can make her leaving me easy. Wtf?!?! Who says that??? First of all, I would never do that! Secondly, I have been cheated on in previous relationships and I dont want to put anyone through that crap let alone my wife who I love. What am I supposed to do with what she said? How would you take it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Between this thread and your other one, here is what I recommend: No More Mister Nice Guy

Read it.


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## Level (May 18, 2014)

MSP said:


> Between this thread and your other one, here is what I recommend: No More Mister Nice Guy
> 
> Read it.


Thank you very much MSP! I will buy the book this week and read it asap. From reading the introduction and beginning of the first chapter in the sample, I can see that I'm not alone. I know one book wont fix all my problems, but this book appears to have some value. Thanks again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Level (May 18, 2014)

MSP said:


> Between this thread and your other one, here is what I recommend: No More Mister Nice Guy
> 
> Read it.


Thank you very much! I will buy the book this week and get started reading it asap. I know one book wont fix all my problems, but I think this book has some value. I have read the introduction and part of the first chapter that was available to me through the sample and I have to say that I'm glad I'm not alone. Thanks again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Well seems your wife has checked out and is punishing you. Why is she so mad? Have you asked her?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Try the Seinfeld trick. Start doing the exact opposite of everything you'd usually do.

She seems to be in some weird, irrational state of mind, so run with it.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

How longs it been going on or has she always been like this ?
ls there any one thing that always comes out amongst the rest ?
Sounds like big frustration over something your doing , like it could be just one thing in particular setting of the rest !
You gotta find figure out wtf really going on with her before she pops .


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She could be cheating and doesn't want to feel like such a lowlife, so if you screw up big, like cheating, she can feel better about herself and leave.

Whatever the case, she is checked out. You should seriously consider MC.

Her attitude sounds far more emotionally based than logical. I bet you aren't going to "reason" your way back into her heart.

Previous stuff about nice guy syndrome could be pertinent to your situation.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Again, I will go against the crowd and say DO NOT read "no more Mr.nice guy". More on that later.....first thing is first.

Chances are high that your wife has checked out of the marriage way back and is probably emotionally cheating or physically cheating. OR someone is after her and she is thinking about perusing it. Regardless, no need to start being Sherlock Holmes here....yet anyways.

What exactly does she have a problem with you about?Sit down with her and try to have an adult conversation about her issues with you. Can it be that there is something serious that is important to her?This all sounds like she has resentment about SOMETHING.

READ: First cover your end and make sure you are doing everything you can to your best abilities within the relationship.

Get a grip on that specific item/items.....


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

DoF said:


> Again, I will go against the crowd and say DO NOT read "no more Mr.nice guy". More on that later.....first thing is ...


why not?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> why not?


Because I don't believe people should change their GOOD behavior to accommodate crappy people.

Mind you, there is few things "nice guy" has to do first.
a) recognize when someone is taking advantage of their good behavior
b) put an end to it/tell them how it is and not be so nice

So above, HAS to be done.

But in general, being a nice guy is a GREAT people shiit filter. Think about it, any person that tries to take advantage of a nice person is probably one of the worst people out there. I wouldn't want to be with or around such person.

And to change yourself to accommodate AND allow the shiitiest people to flourish is just fueling the fire IMO.

DO NOT change who you are if you are a nice guy. Distance yourself from people that take your kindness for granted.

So the key points here are to IDENTIFY the person that's doing it and DEAL with them right away.

Over the years I found "everyone deserves a second chance but not third" to work wonders for me.

I just wish someone taught me the key points above, I had to figure it out myself and went through my share of craziness as well (thankfully not in a serious relationship, just "friends" or what I thought were my friends......)


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

DoF - did you read NMMNG? Your advice sounds like you have not.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I have slowly figured out, over my time on here, that my wife likes me more edgy and domineering. It seems counter-intuitive not to be very accommodating and nice and sweet to someone you love but she doesn't respond to that. Not saying being an unreasonable prack works either, but just more firm and leading and biting back like the alpha wolf. It took me awhile, but it was amazing how things changed for the better.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> My wife told me she wishes I would cheat so I can make her leaving me easy.


Are you overweight?
Have any habits like smoking?

Changing these things without saying a word about them will make an impression on her.

Will you wife allow physical contact?

When she is a sour puss maybe you should just smile, disengage and go do whatever interests you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> DoF - did you read NMMNG? Your advice sounds like you have not.


I have not, but just the topic alone is enough to steer me away.

What am I missing?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

DoF said:


> Again, I will go against the crowd and say DO NOT read "no more Mr.nice guy". More on that later.....first thing is first.


Between the two threads, this guy is being pushed around all the time by his wife, who calls the shots and walks all over him. Whatever else he does, he needs to get more confident. NMMNG is no panacea, but it should alert him to some better options in his behaviour, instead of allowing others to control him through their negative behaviour.



DoF said:


> Chances are high that your wife has checked out of the marriage way back and is probably emotionally cheating or physically cheating.
> 
> Sit down with her and try to have an adult conversation about her issues with you. Can it be that there is something serious that is important to her?


DoF, this makes no sense. You should know that if someone is cheating you can't just ask them what is wrong, because they'll gaslight the heck out of you. They will send you on wild goose chases just to distract you from what they are actually up to behind your back. When someone cheats, 99% of the time they do not want a resolution in the marriage. They want to continue to cheat--or possibly leave you. But they don't want to work out the real problems.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

MSP said:


> DoF, this makes no sense. You should know that if someone is cheating you can't just ask them what is wrong, because they'll gaslight the heck out of you. They will send you on wild goose chases just to distract you from what they are actually up to behind your back. When someone cheats, 99% of the time they do not want a resolution in the marriage. They want to continue to cheat--or possibly leave you. But they don't want to work out the real problems.


What I said about cheating is an assumption not a fact.

OP still needs to ask what the issue is that she has with him.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well...
Get two voice activated recorders put one in her car and one in the house.
You need more info and what exactly you are up against.
If you have a joint bank acct you may want to take half out and set one just for you.
Cheating or not protect yourself.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

DoF said:


> Because I don't believe people should change their GOOD behavior to accommodate crappy people.
> 
> Mind you, there is few things "nice guy" has to do first.
> a) recognize when someone is taking advantage of their good behavior
> ...


That is what it is about. Standing up for yourself without being an ahole.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would really be concerned that she said that. If she is looking for a reason to leave she probably has already started the process, mentally, of leaving. I would start planning your exit strategy, she's one excuse away from starting hers.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Level,

Here is a pdf version for you, and anyone else who'd like to see what some men are dealing with.

Dr Robert Glove - No More Mr Nice Guy.pdf


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

If my wife said, "I wish you would cheat...so I would have a reason to divorce you" my response would be, "Let me save you the trouble"...and serve her with divorce papers. 

It looks to me like she needs to set you up to be the bad guy so you can get divorced and she can play the martyr. Take the high road. Get divorced with your integrity intact. If she doesn't want to be married to you anymore you don't have to make things easier on her.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

DoF said:


> What I said about cheating is an assumption not a fact.
> 
> OP still needs to ask what the issue is that she has with him.


when your dealing with a unreasonable person asking them is worthless because they will just continue to be....unreasonable.

my advice......when you know your right just stand your ground as politely and stern as you can. If she act vindictive mean and unreasonable let it roll off you like water off a duck back.If she just keeps up with the bull$hit then shes broken and you would be best to move on.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Sounds like you are making to many love unit withdrawals.

Not to mention that she is dealing with some bitter resentment.

What is the intimacy like when it happens?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Level said:


> I think my wife uses sex as a weapon. We haven't had sex in months. We are rarely intimate as she is always angry and pissed with me about almost everything I do. I'm pretty much always in the doghouse. Even when things are going good and I think I can initiate sex, NOPE! She's still mad and brings up old stuff. My wife told me she wishes I would cheat so I can make her leaving me easy. Wtf?!?! Who says that??? First of all, I would never do that! Secondly, I have been cheated on in previous relationships and I dont want to put anyone through that crap let alone my wife who I love. *What am I supposed to do with what she said? How would you take it?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My take...

"Honey, I'd like a divorce. But please... don't be all up in my business, because I've been doing quite a bit on the sly, and I don't want you to know about any of that."


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

DoF said:


> I have not, but just the topic alone is enough to steer me away.
> 
> What am I missing?


DOF,

Nnmng isn't about being a jerk. It's about looking inward at yourself to understand why you would consistently throw out your boundaries and your sense of worth to your woman, because thus is how you perceived what "nice" is, when in fact it makes you a doormat, and because of the way you react to your SO, you actually end up being a bigger ahole than just being an Alpha Ahole. Your relationship, to you, turns into..."well, if I let her have her way, buy her things, let her flirt with other men in front of me, that means I'm a nice guy and ths will make her live me more and have lots of sex with me. And if she doesn't! Then I'll go passive Agressive on her to let her knw she broke the unspoken contract of my submission to all her whims for The love and sex She owes me for doing this"

The book is how we, as men, shouldn't sacrifice our ALL for anybody, even your woman. It's about remembering that you are an individual with boundaries, goals, and desires. And forgetting that to be "a nice, modern, metro male you see in the chick movies" isn't realistic or healthy.

Read the book.


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## Level (May 18, 2014)

A lot to respond to. 

First off, shes is definently not cheating. I know because my little one took a massive toll on her physically. Serious body image issues. I always tell her how beautiful she is and how I'm so thankful and our little one is thankful for the sacrifice she made so our child could be here. That being said, I'm pretty sure she still has body image issues because most people that have issues like that dont really care what others have to say. Its about how they feel. I dont think she feels sexy enough to cheat if that makes sense. I have considered that as being a possibility in the past, but she's pretty predictable when it comes to her schedule. I almost always know where she is. Her friends and family have a great deal of respect for me and our relationship and if she says she's at their house and I ask them later when I think they have forgotten to lie for her if she was being dishonest, they will verify that indeed she was at their house. My logic may not make a ton of sense to others, but I'm pretty sure she isnt messing around. 

When it comes to our intimacy level its intense, but ends kinda quick on my end. I make it a point to make sure she gets hers everytime before I even go inside because I know my issue. I have also read the thread about Surviving PME. Some of the techniques dont work for me no matter how often I practice them. What has worked for me is using a desensitizing spray. That makes me last as long as I want. I've always had this issue since we've been dating, but it has gotten worse since we got married. Probably because we stopped being as intimate and my body cant deal with all the stimulation because its so few and far between. When we dated we had sex every weekend when I came to her place. We lived a significant distance away from each other, so when I couldn't be there during the week. Our sex life started to fizzle out on the honeymoon. Some kind of way she got hurt on the flight. I guess due to the position she was sitting in. Anyway, we didn't have sex on the honeymoon at all. I can remember getting her to let me get started and she was in so much pain I just stopped and took care of myself in the bathroom. Since we had our little one, it's gotten even worse. She's actually said that it frustrates her that I work her all up and then we get started and its over. It's not ridiculous like 1 minute, but I cant get over 10 minutes of vaginal without the desensitizing spray. Man this is embarrasing. So glad I cant see any faces. 

I'm going to get off topic a bit, but it might give you guys a little insight about me. I work in a predominately male enviornment and egos are out of this world. I fit right in at work with all the testosterone and I'am considered a leader to my coworkers and I command their respect. However, when I get home my people pleasing pansy side comes out and I try everything to not cause any drama or stress on my relationship. I honestly dont know if my wife could handle the person I am at work. I think she would be intimidated. 

With regards to my physical appearance I have a muscular physique. She loves the way I look. She is physically attracted to me, but I think my issue (PME) is to blame for the lack of intimacy amongst other things. 

I have taken the advice of anchorwatch and started reading NMMNG and the Man Up and Nice Guy Reference. If you remember the guys from the book, I have the most in common with Jason. I pretty much try to do everything and she points out what I missed consistently. I'll say something smart like "well maybe you should do it then" and that just creates even more turmoil and I retreat back into my shell. With the help of the book and threads, I'm confident I can change my behavior and in turn get more of my needs met in the marriage while being honest about my feelings and emotions. The sooner I can stop being such a people pleaser expecially to my spouse the better off I'll be. She wants me to be more honest with her and when I try she gets pissed with my response it makes me retreat again into my emotional shell. Hopefully NMMNG and the other threads will give me the confidence to stand my ground when she doesnt like my responses when I'm being honest with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Level,

Another trait you need to master is the recognition of the "fitness test", or so called "shat test"

A lot of persons, particularly women, will disagree with the concept of the shat test. I'm not here to argue with the concept. 

However, one thing I did find extremely helpful is the use of "humor" as a deflection to those little remarks that are designed to start a disagreement between you two.

For example....

Wife comes into the laundry room. "why do you always have to put the laundry soap into the washer after the clothes! Thats stupid!"

You..."well...what's stupid is me bent over this fraking machine! It should be you! Naked! I'd take sorting out some intimacy with you any day instead of sorting these freaking colors!"

Then spank her ass playfully as you walk away.

To be honest, these type of responses were hard for me to grasp. And I still mess up more often than not. In my mind, there's too much of..."fu(k you, b/tches!! This is how I roll!", and not enough quick wit. 

The first response doesn't go over so well....


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

What I would do is bend her over the arm of the couch and fvck her silly. Thats what I would do. Nah I really wouldnt do that, but I would like to. My wife not yours sorry for the confusion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> DOF,
> 
> Nnmng isn't about being a jerk. It's about looking inward at yourself to understand why you would consistently throw out your boundaries and your sense of worth to your woman, because thus is how you perceived what "nice" is, when in fact it makes you a doormat, and because of the way you react to your SO, you actually end up being a bigger ahole than just being an Alpha Ahole. Your relationship, to you, turns into..."well, if I let her have her way, buy her things, let her flirt with other men in front of me, that means I'm a nice guy and ths will make her live me more and have lots of sex with me. And if she doesn't! Then I'll go passive Agressive on her to let her knw she broke the unspoken contract of my submission to all her whims for The love and sex She owes me for doing this"
> 
> ...


SO it's a book on common sense. I tend to think I already have that.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

DoF said:


> SO it's a book on common sense. I tend to think I already have that.


Good to hear. Unfortunately there are a lot of men, here, on the NMMNG forums , and elsewhere who do have some significant problems in this area.

I was only a "partial" nice guy, as Glover defines that term, and still found a lot of worthwhile material in his book.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Level said:


> I think my wife uses sex as a weapon. We haven't had sex in months. We are rarely intimate as she is always angry and pissed with me about almost everything I do. I'm pretty much always in the doghouse. Even when things are going good and I think I can initiate sex, NOPE! She's still mad and brings up old stuff. My wife told me she wishes I would cheat so I can make her leaving me easy. Wtf?!?! Who says that??? First of all, I would never do that! Secondly, I have been cheated on in previous relationships and I dont want to put anyone through that crap let alone my wife who I love. What am I supposed to do with what she said? How would you take it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife said that, too.

She shut of the sex, was emotionally and physically abusive, and told me to go have sex with someone else. It drove me crazy and I tried like hell to get better, fix the relationship, be the "good guy."

Turns out she was screwing someone else at the time and wanted a reason to justify that, and to leave me.

Eventually she gave up and just left with no notice or real provocation to do so.

Please read this. It's mine; but it's life lessons hard earned through 1 failed marriage and 1 held onto by the skin of my teeth:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-good-news-story.html


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GTdad said:


> Good to hear. Unfortunately there are a lot of men, here, on the NMMNG forums , and elsewhere who do have some significant problems in this area.
> 
> I was only a "partial" nice guy, as Glover defines that term, and still found a lot of worthwhile material in his book.


I understand, and I'm sure I'm not perfect.

I actually downloaded it from this thread and read 10 pages or so.

Seems like the label "nice guy" is simply a nice way of labeling a sucker or a complete push over.

Maybe it's just me.

But yeah, TONS of guys like this around.....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

DoF said:


> Seems like the label "nice guy" is simply a nice way of labeling a sucker or a complete push over.


For me, I used to confuse "nice guy" with "good guy."

And Duty with Honour.

These aren't the same things.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Your self protection upsets her.... retreating, giving up, emotional shell

BUT... she is creating the situation to CAUSE you to have to choose self protection

I like what chillymorn said ... 
my advice......when you know your right just stand your ground as politely and stern as you can. If she act vindictive mean and unreasonable let it roll off you like water off a duck back.If she just keeps up with the bull$hit then shes broken and you would be best to move on.

With one twist... if her reaction is vicious... I would tell her that her reaction was no ok, and that if she cannot refrain you will remove yourself to xyz place until she can speak to you calmly.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I experienced a lot of the behavior the OP describes. Have you read up on BPD? Just a thought. Not that a personality disorder changes anything but what it might help you understand is that what you're dealing with won't change.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Level said:


> My wife told me she wishes I would cheat so I can make her leaving me easy. Wtf?!?!


Ey? To me that's the same as wanting a divorce so I would oblige automatically with forms the next day


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