# Husband got a vasectomy and didn't tell wife



## nikkiehot (Jun 5, 2009)

I dated my husband 5 years prior to marriage. We have a blended family with no children of our own. We got married in June and 3 months after marriage I got pregnant. 

The entire time we dated, I never took birth control, so we thought I couldn't conceive. 

However, I lost the baby three months after (during Christmas). It was my worst year ever , but my husband was very supportive. We both agreed that we'd keep trying to have another baby for 1 year. If it didn't happen, we figured we were just too old and one of us would get fixed. He is 42 and I am 39.

3 months later, in March, I went out of town. Business as usual for me. At the time, I traveled allot. 

This day, he went to the doctor and had a vasectomy done without my consent and never once brought the topic up that he was thinking of this. I wanted another child and he knew it. ....what should I do? We both agreed to one year before we would talk about this.

Anyway, he got a really bad reaction from the incision after the surgery and when I came home 10 days later, he had no choice but to tell me what he had done. 

His story....I went into the doctors office saying I was single and I took off my wedding ring prior to the appointment. I asked him if he planned on hiding this and he said yes, he had the nerve to tell me he never would of told me.

I tried making my marriage work after this, but I am hurt and I feel he deceived me.

8 months after this incident, he moved out of the house and abandon me and my children. I am currently left with all the marital bills and I have been trying to get a divorce for 13 months. Every time court is schedule or something, he finds a way to delays every part of the process.

Is there anything I can do to get the better end of him? What would you folks out there do? Is there anything under the grounds of betrayal for divorce? 
Help....


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Talk to a lawyer!! ASAP!

Once divorce papers are filed, it can default through the process for about 2 years. Mine did (she filed) and I didn't know it was granted until 3 years afterwards!  I only found out because I filed in order to marry xgf.


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## nikkiehot (Jun 5, 2009)

My attorney in New Mexico says there is nothing I can do about it. It's a no fault state. But to me its a Breech of Contract. 
There has to be something that the lawyers isn't aware of. I need help to come out ahead, so far...I see no hope.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

nikkiehot-
How many kids do you already have of your own?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

wow why would he do that after telling you he wanted kids?

I don't know if you will be able to do much about him leaving you as the kids aren't his and he has no legal responsibility to them as I know of...
guess since he left you will not have to fight over property in court, so thats a good thing.


NOTE:
what marital bills are you speaking of exactly?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Well, there's always your new best friend, lover, husband. 

Get this life over and go on with your life. Find that someone special, again. He IS out there! I'm trying to do the same. It won't be quick...but I'm highly optimistic. But I'm "older" and expect it will take some time.  Time that I may not have...sigh... 

I know this isn't what you want to hear...but carrying the bitterness and thoughts of revenge will not make your life whole, complete, better. I did that, too. You have to let it go. Just don't jump into a new relationship until you ARE healed. 

If you have to, declare bankruptcy (I had to do that once). Get this over. Take the time to heal, however long that is. You'd be surprised how short that will be. 

I know this may be anathema, but there's always adoption. But I'm sure you'd like your child to be of your own blood. It may happen, in time. 

I know it hurts, just hang in there, girl.


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## nikkiehot (Jun 5, 2009)

I have two teenagers.

We both had the American dream. We both have good jobs, retirement was in our future, built a new 4 bedroom house; we had i. We got along great dating and marriage lasted 22 months. We had what most people couldn't. 
When I had my children from my first marriage, I was busy working full time and going to college full time and didn't enjoy the youth of my children. I really wanted more children and he knew it prior to marriage. After 5 years of dating and not using protection, how could one not know that was important?


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## nikkiehot (Jun 5, 2009)

We are fighting over marital property. That's the problem. The mortgage and second mortgage is allot of $$$. Credit cards aren't bad and I don't expect him to support my children, but the bills are wearing me down.

I put the down payment on our house while we were dating for 3 years and now they say it is community property. I want the house and he wants to sell it.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

nikkiehot said:


> We are fighting over marital property. That's the problem. The mortgage and second mortgage is allot of $$$. Credit cards aren't bad and I don't expect him to support my children, but the bills are wearing me down.
> 
> I put the down payment on our house while we were dating for 3 years and now they say it is community property. I want the house and he wants to sell it.



I'm sure he won't fight you for the house and it will be yours...
he cannot make you sell unless he proves you can't afford it or can't keep it yourself...

I suggest you rent out a room to help with the bills and try to hold on until the economy gets better and you can sell it, after you are awarded it in court in your divorce.
In the meantime, get a lawyer and start the divorce papers....
find someone who will live with you and pay rent ( not a lover, a renter) and wait it out. 
Soon as your divorced have the house signed over to you and by then the economy should improve. Then... Go get a place you can afford.
Have your teens double up in one bedroom if you have to, if you have a basement, have them make a room for themselves down there. That way you will have an easier time finding someone to rent a room and pay you rent, which should help some.
If you can prove in court you can hold on to the house, the judge will most likely not give him any equity in it, bearing in mind you can prove you put the down payment down...
I'd say his chances of getting any equity are zero then.

If you have to, go get a job too or find a better one.

I was lucky in that I had my home prior to getting married and it was already paid for. If my husband ever left me, he would have NO say so whatsoever...
even though I live in a community property state as it was paid off a decade before I met him...
and it is not a rental property, it is my residence... so if he leaves, he gets nothing with my house.

I know thats a lot of work and hassle, but it'll only be short term
for you.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sounds like a lot of your hopes and dreams have flown out the window and you are back to square one, a single mom with two kids and divorced. 

I find it very strange your dh made this vasectomy decision unilaterally. Something is up with him. He obviously felt you would say "no way" if he discussed it with you, so he hid it from you. OR he has another agenda you know nothing of. Have you two done counseling? I find it odd he marry you after 5 years, then a miscarriage...and now a vasectomy. Was it so painful, the loss of the baby that perhaps he never wanted to put you through that again and just could not tell you? Perhaps HE truly was not into another child, after all a blended family is very stressful and busy, and you both work and have good jobs? Perhaps you stopping work and him being totally responsible for all finances was an issue?

I just get a gut feeling something is not all on the table. You two need to talk more deeply. Perhaps if you can get over the hurt from what he did and agree "no more babies" you two could work the relationship out. 

I had a baby at 39, I'd already had three, and to be honest, I am now 53 and STILL have a 15 year old at home. I have SIX more years before I am totally done with child rearing - I will be nearly SIXTY. Your dh is older than that...42? He would be 64 by the time a new baby would get out of college. 

THAT may be his issue is that when you got pregnant and then lost the baby he REALLY had a reality check and could not bear to tell you he could not face being a father, responsible until 62 years old.

When dh and I became pregnant (by SERIOUS surprise I was 38 and he was 44) we seriously considered an abortion as we were so OLD to START babies again. Granted you two have none of your union, but you DO have kids between you to raise....

I'd reconsider the whole divorce thing, see if I could manage to get over no more baby making, and get to the REAL truth behind the vasectomy and perhaps rebond and rethink all your hurt.

He may have been totally afraid to disappoint you with his not wanting to begin another baby....that is what I think.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I think his holding up proceedings is an indication he does not really want a divorce and is only going into divorce because perhaps you have just shut him out due to your hurt and pain....???


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