# In a 'break' - confused



## Stealthy (Aug 20, 2012)

A little backstory:

I've been in a relationship with a gal for 3 years. We met on a dating site, POF, and have had our ups and downs along the way. 

The main problem stems from her being in a stric-t Asian family who are old fashioned in the sense that they don't really trust white people (as you can probably guess, I'm white). Her parents want her to marry an Asian man of her race and so we have been together under the radar so to speak. She lives with her family and I live on my own -- we're in our later 20s and neither of us has kids or has been married before. Both of us are pretty introverted and not party goers.

We were seeing each other roughly 5-7 days per week since she used to have a job about a mile from my house. But, she recently lost her job and that put more pressure on her to stay home with the family until she finds work. We then only saw each other on the weekends for the last month or so prior to our recent break.

Several times over the course of our relationship she has suggested we take a break without talking or seeing each other. Sometimes it'd only last a day or two; other times as long as a week or so. 

[End of backstory]

Ok.. so the last time we spoke was roughly two weeks ago. During that call she said she wanted a break and that she is t-orn, confused, and thinks she maybe should try dating someone of her particular Asian race to please her family. I haven't been able to get in touch with her since then as she's avoided my calls these last couple weeks.

It's been driving me absolutely crazy. I'm not sure what she is doing right now. She's admitted to IMg with guys shortly before the break, though from what I can tell these rooms are more race-specific nationwide rooms and not necessarily local people. But it's possible. Also, that site has a personals section - though I haven't seen a profile that I suspect to be her. I've also snooped a bit online and haven't seen any profiles that would appear to be her on all of the big dating sites that I know of.

Have I messed up by trying to contact her each day? I never left any sappy voicemails -- just fun, conversational quibbles as though nothing really happened. But she hasn't called me back yet even though it appears she has checked each voicemail.

I can't really tell if she's only emotionally cheating with me online with IMs, if she's actively seeking local people, or what she is doing during this break. I really love this girl and know she's torn between me and her family. I'm just afraid if she does happen to chat with someone who's local and of her particular race that she might feel pressured to start dating him and then move on from me. 

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Stealthy;5442282Ok.. so the last time we spoke was roughly two weeks ago. During that call she said she wanted a break and that she is t-orn said:


> to please her family[/B]. I haven't been able to get in touch with her since then as she's avoided my calls these last couple weeks.


Think of the dating game in evolutionary terms. It is a chance for you to weed out the weak. Your ex-girlfriend, to me, lacks a vital trait that you should look for in your future spouse - Bravery. She lacks strength of character to stand up for herself and what she wants in life. Not a good sign for the future.

Now, I'm not underestimating the pressure that her culture and her family are exerting on her. I have two very good friends; she is Chinese-Malaysian, he is... not. The pressure to marry what her parents would consider 'suitable' was immense. They both did not let anything or anyone get in their way. Her parents disowned her. She didn't care (it was traumatic obviously). She stuck by her man. They were both determined. Eventually they married with her parents consent. They are still married today.

I don't see that determination or character in your ex. Getting married is easy. Staying married is the tricky bit. Find someone worthy of you, who will stand by you whatever life throws at you both. 

Move on. Erase her from your life. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Dude, what the hell are you waiting for? You're not married, you do not have children together, she's clearly a coward and not proving her love for you. It's time to re-join the dating site and start looking for the real Mrs. Right! If this linquini-spined gf really cares about you, she will come back the moment she discovers you are playing the field again. All that you are doing right now, is showing her that you are the one with the linguini spine. Oy!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Wait. So, the two of you are on a "break" from your relationship? That means you are broken up. She, apparently, is moving on. You, apparently, are skulking around in the wings waiting for her while she moves on. 

Do you want to wait around for her? Do you really want to be that guy who is lurking around a woman who's apparently not really interested in a committed relationship with you, and won't fight for you, while she does her own thing? If not, you should probably stop lurking. It's entirely possible - even likely - that this "break" is her conflict avoidant way of ending it with you without having to actually have that conversation. She's probably waiting for you to stop chasing her and go away. Even if she's not and what she really wants is for you to wait for her until she finally decides to grace you with her presence, no self-respecting man would be willing to tolerate that. 

If you feel you must, leave her one last voicemail - in which you tell her that this isn't working for you and you want to make this break permanent. Then, stop calling/stalking her. And move on with your life. She either isn't the right girl or this isn't the right time. But either way, this relationship isn't going anywhere right now. So go find your self-respect, accept that the relationship is over, and move on.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Move on with your life. Stop contacting her.

Post on your dating site for yourself.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

She dumped you. She didn't have the courage to come out and say "I cannot see you anymore" so she fabricated this lame "break" in the hopes that if she wore you down long enough you would just walk away. 

She does not want to marry you or be with you. She has given into her family. That's it...game over. 

Work through the pain and move on with your life. Stop trying to contact her. Quit being needy and go out and date other women.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

This one is not for you. Assuming she actually does come back to you, the situation will continue to deteriorate over time and her family will always have to be accommodated. Run, don't walk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

This should not be in the Coping with Infidelity section. This should be moved to the General Relationship Discussion section. You are not married. You do not live together. She broke up with you and told you that she intends to date others of her own ethnicity. She has every right to do this and it it not called cheating. This is what she is suppose to do in finding a husband. If you were of the correct ethnicity, you would probably still be with her, and the family would be pushing you for marriage. But you are not, and after giving you a chance, she decided that you were not worth fighting her family for.

I know that this is unfair, but picking a spouse is the one time being fair is not required. You are allowed to not be politically correct in selecting your lifetime partner. Sorry to say this but it is time that you moved on. She liked you and maybe even loved you, but now that it is time for her to get married, she is applying a different standard than when she was just looking to date.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

This isn't infidelity from what you've told us - she broke up with you and is back under her parents' control. 

It is sad but predictable. If you want to, send her a closure letter "All the best" and all that so she knows you aren't waiting around.
You can find someone who is really into you, maybe even someone whose family likes you.

In the long haul, especially if you plan on starting a family, the relationships with the in-laws can be crucial. How about dating someone whose family is friendly, accepting of the marriage and will approve of the way you take care of their daughter? (I don't mean white, I just mean more open and accepting).

Move on. She is.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

That pain in your chest is stopping you from thinking of this in a normal manner.. Trust me I know, been there done that.. 

I think you have been fair enough to her and have shown her you are still there for her.. 

If you could muster up enough courage to move on you will see it will be better for you.. Right now you are wounded and thinking all these crazy thoughts about her dating a bunch of guys behind your back.. 

Look the reality is asazteca1986 stated she needs to be brave enough to stand up to her family or nothing will never work out for the both of you.. There is ZERO you can do as far as standing up to her family for her.. She needs to see and understand that you are worth the fight..

You just don't see that ATM because you're broken hearted. 

You need to do the 180.. You need to show her, hey look I tried.. I called you.. But you never even let me know your still around or alive.. You didn't care enough about me to let me know you were okay or to see if I was okay.. 

Basically its all about how you feel and my feeling mean sh1t to you.. This isn't how a relationship is suppose to work.. 

In a short time of 30 to 60 days you will see many of these things for yourself.. 

Look I know 3 years at 5 to 7 days is a lot.. 
But THANK GOD you are YOUNG... This is what life is suppose to be about.. You having relationships and learning from them so hopefully the final one will be your best and last one.. 

Take what you learned from this and make sure it doesn't happen again to you.. 

I wouldn't chase her anymore.. She now needs to make some big moves here and make some big choices on her own.. 

I mean really 3 years and she hasn't called you in WEEKS ? Thats a bit immature, selfish and just out unkind.. 
I would hate to see what she is like if she really gets mad at you..

Move on, everyone deserves someone who wants them and loves them.. 

Trust me when I tell you, when you love someone there are things you never thought you would do or tolerate from them. But you also learn that the love you give has to be reciprocated back as well. 

Love isn't a one way street..


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

OP, you are hurting, but stalking her is not the answer.

Finding another woman is.

She broke up. Yes, she still has 'feelings' for you. 
No, she won't marry you.
If, through pressure, chicanery or some other odd way you actually got her back, your life with her would suck.

Please, treat yourself to another lady.

Best of luck.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She's not really into you. If she was, she would move heaven and earth to be with you.

You were a distraction for her. Someone to feel in her gap of emptiness. By not responding to you, it's quite likely she has moved on. I think you should too.


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

The harsh truth is that this chick is just not that into you. If she were, she would deal with her family and make it work. 

She wants a break. Give her one and move on.


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