# What is normal for a married man



## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

My husband is 54 and recently I found in his phone's history, years of searching for 100+ women, mostly under 35 years old. I had told him I was going on his phone, so he knew I was looking and I almost gave the phone back because I was done, but saw one woman's name he searched for, then another, then another and then it ended up being at least 100 over the 3 years history on his phone. He works with most of them or has worked with them in the past. There are also other disturbing finds such as my daughter's teacher, sales women from places we've been, our Realtor, moms from my kids' schools, etc. He searches for their phone numbers, addresses, pictures, looks on their social media accounts, Linkedin, whatever is available. He says he's not ever contacted any of them but talked to one on several occasions because she was a mom on my son's school's volleyball team and my husband coached for a while, so he sought her out after games (but this one I could prove, so he had to admit it and others I can't prove). She lives a mile from us and he walks our dog for a good hour a night, so I can't help but wonder if he had been walking by her house, sort of stalking.???

We've had many many problems over the years, in and out of marriage counseling and several years ago had found out from a mutual friend that he had 50+ women on his Linkedin account that were again all under 35, attractive, single, yet he had told me for 10 years that he didn't work with any women and didn't know any. He has "no" female friends. He said yes he did work with women but didn't want to tell me and that they all wanted resume help. He contacted 10 of them giving them his personal phone number on his last day at that company. That brought us to marriage counseling after that and also due to his disappearing at 5am from home (sneaking out of bed, showering then quietly leaving) until he went into the office. When I confronted him about this, he said that he couldn't sleep and went into the office.

Fast forward to now, and here we have twice as many women suddenly appear on his phone and 30+/- years younger than he is. It takes quite a bit of effort to get any type of explanation out of him, but he now says he was just curious about them, never has had any sexual or relationship interest in any of them. That, I find hard to believe. He says he doesn't know why he looks them up, maybe it's due to things he doesn't like in our relationship, then says no that's not why, then says it may be my weight (I've gained 25 lbs. not exactly tremendously significant) then says no it's not, or that they have better careers, then says no it's not. The one volleyball woman lives about a mile from us and my husband walks our dog for a good hour a night and he had mentioned that she was his "favorite" out of all of them, but still has no type of interest in her although he approached her after games to talk numerous times.

I'm at a complete loss as to what to think here. He says he didn't realize there was anything wrong with being attracted to 22 year olds because they're over 18 aside from the fact that he shouldn't be attracted to other women. He says he's curious and attracted to them that's why he looks them up. This has been a weekly occurrence over the past 10 years. A few of the women, he has "followed" online for 3, 5, 10 years. I wonder if this is all typical for married men and over 50.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

1. He is not focused on you
2. He doesn't have your back
3. He is obsessed with all sorts of women around him
4. You don't trust him and for good reason

Focus on what you do know and go from there.

Also, this is not a marriage problem. This is a personal problem your husband has. He should be in individual counseling. I don't think marriage counseling would do you any good at this point. If you want to stay with him, there will have to be some serious boundaries put in place.

Can you look at his bank statements and credit card statements to see where he is spending money? How about your phone bill? There should be a list of calls and texts made to and from. If you check these things out, you may be able to get a better handle on exactly what is going on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Most men hunt, fish, golf, spend money on clothes, trucks, cars, and (insert hobby here), and sometimes ogle a woman in a bikini briefly here and there.

That's a lot of women. Not much help from me so far, have to ki d of reread the post. Wow.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Yes, he's in individual sexual addiction counseling (despite his being rather asexual). He's going for a psychiatric evaluation in 4 weeks. 

I do have access now to bank accounts, but it's such a tangled web of transferring money around, and unidentifiable charges, that I'm having a difficult time differentiating things. I've been down the list of texts and calls, but again there are so many strange unidentifiable numbers. I've been on cell phone number tracing websites to no avail. He's been down the list attempting to explain some, but there are some that aren't. Then I thought he'd just have a burner number and secret credit cards. He's a software engineer, so he might have much more knowledge about all this than I would. He really doesn't have any unaccounted for time, except during business hours when he seems to be doing a lot of his looking. Unless he takes days off that I'm unaware of which he could be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is nothing wrong with a man, even a married man, being attracted to young women. That's sort of natural. The problem is his actions about it.

Him tracking women they way he has been for years is, in my opinion, scary. He might have contact and even relationships with more than them that he admits. But I doubt he does with all of them. What is he is doing is called stalking.

Why is he in "individual sexual addiction counseling"? Who suggested that he get into that type of counseling? Do you know why it was suggested?

Does he also watch a lot of porn?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

edit _(while I was typing this you commented that he is asexual, and sex addicted. That pretty much changes everything I've written but still here it is.)_

I don't know what is "Normal". Because I'm not normal. But this sentence from your post really worries me. 



Meredith767 said:


> aside from the fact that he shouldn't be attracted to other women.


I'm pretty sure that it is not normal for any man to not be attracted to any other women. I'm pretty sure that it's not normal for any woman to not be attracted to any other man. The marriage ceremony does not magically install blinders on people to keep them from seeing any other people. That would be a relationship existing in a vacuum. And it just doesn't happen. 

Now what a person does after they are attracted to another person is something else. To research (cyberstalk), to walk past their house to collect their information. Well to me that's kind of weird. To flirt with them, to chat them up, to make them part of your circle of friends, That's not something I would do. To date them to ask them out for meals, to visit their homes. To have intimate relationships with them, That's just plain cheating.

Here is the heart of the matter. What is normal or average is not important. What is acceptable to you is important. But remember to be reasonable. don't expect any person (including yourself) to never be attracted. Do expect them (especially your husband) to respond ethically to those feelings.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

I told him to get into counseling whether he wanted to or not this time. The sexual addiction counselor hopefully will cover any addictions/compulsions/obsessions. This was due to what I thought was obsessive of him tracking these women, some for a decade and various ones weekly. Also that he has Asperger's and they do get obsessions, although he's never had any that I knew of, but now I know he does. His obsession is women. 

He doesn't watch porn that I know of. He's typically at work or home. Almost all of his time is accounted for except dog walks and business hours.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

With all the transferring money around that you have seen from his bank account, it is time to look at the spending histories of all the credit cards he uses. You can take his wallet when he is not looking and take pictures (front and back) of all of them.  Go online and look at the charges on each one. If there is one that he has that you can not access, ask him if you can see his wallet, and credit cards. If he tries to hide the ones he thinks you don't know about, show him the pictures that you took of them, and tell him that you must have online access to them so you can see their histories. Financial openness is essential in a healthy marriage.

You may have a big problem ahead of you, that you will cause you to make some life altering decisions. But then again, maybe he will tell you everything to save his marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Meredith767 said:


> I told him to get into counseling whether he wanted to or not this time. The sexual addiction counselor hopefully will cover any addictions/compulsions/obsessions. This was due to what I thought was obsessive of him tracking these women, some for a decade and various ones weekly. Also that he has Asperger's and they do get obsessions, although he's never had any that I knew of, but now I know he does. His obsession is women.
> 
> He doesn't watch porn that I know of. He's typically at work or home. Almost all of his time is accounted for except dog walks and business hours.


Ok, so the type of counseling was your suggestion. I think it's the right place to start. 

Have you searched in place in your home where he might be hiding things. For example, photos. If it were me, I'd start "deep cleaning" the house to make sure that there is nothing stuffed away somewhere... like photos perhaps. I know it sounds paranoid, but when ever I've been suspicious about strange behavior I've done that and have found things that helped me figure out what was going on.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Right, I'm trying to be reasonable about this. I realize he's seen attractive people in the past 17 years, but to search them out, flirt with them, many of them and much younger, is getting beyond my scope. This is all unreasonable behavior to me, but he likes to say that he doesn't understand my rules for marriage and some of his friends have very lenient wives. I am not one of them.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Thanks for your suggestions. I tried to work quickly at first not knowing the extent of my situation and being concerned for my kids and our finances. First things I did were to contact an attorney, printed out financials, got some kids' accounts in my name only, accessed cash into my account, etc. Then he had 3 weeks of vacation *at home*. Now I need to figure out accounts and financials, spending. But again, he could have been paying cash, or has other unknown accounts. I can ask for a credit report and see what's on there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

No its not normal, not for a man with any sense of faithfulness and integrity anyway.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

That's what I think, but he says that he thought cheating was having a full on affair. Interesting that he hasn't heard of an emotional affair or any other kind of unfaithfulness. Being an Asperger, that may be true and that things have to be fully spelled out for them due to their lack of reading social cues. I'm not sure that I'm believing he's that socially inept.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The Aspergers may come into the picture at some point. But still this is way extreme.

Beware at some point he may (wrongly) become weary of your "meddling" (although you're doing right) and suddenly want to divest himself of your constantly "antagonizing" him.

One with Asperger's syndrome can "flip a switch" on their emotions sometimes and a perceived threat becomes something to shed.

You know most about him and your relationship. It can get better.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Yes, his "flipping switches" will be evaluated with the psychiatrist and I plan on requesting everything is checked into and ruled out such as personality disorders, bipolar, etc. 

I'm trying to keep a low profile in the meantime with what all I've been up to, sort of flying under the radar as much as I can, and keeping things seeming normal for my 2 kids at home. I'm in high alert though and have tried to get things in order if he does do something drastic.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

No I don't believe cyber stalking is normal. I admit my husband appears to be more matrimonial than most. But I've never caught him looking anyone up. I have very rarely even seen him look at another woman and most the time its a woman I'm looking at too because she's wearing a ridiculus outfit. I'll often times point it out to him.

I once looked up an old ex just out of curiosity not due to any interest in him as a person. But hundreds? no. Being fifty and just looking up woman under 35. Well that's more like a hound dog with unrealistic expectations. Due to his autism he may not pursue it further. He may not get very far if he did (though some women can be bought or like the idea of being married to a software engineer for money). I'd work the money angle hard. You should also be more aware of the finances even setting up something of your own.

He says he doesn't understand why if they are over 18 it isn't ok? Well how about cause he's married?

Since he's done it for a long time you can't even blame the infamous mid-life crisis where for not apparent reason people are unsatisfied with the status quo.

If he's been doing this for years he should be able to at least explain it.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I didn't bother reading any other posts but I'll chime in- I'm nearing 50 and i dont look up or follow ANY women. And I'm pretty normal. Sounds like you have a weirdo for a husband.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

He seems to have a fixation. Most men into this type of fixations don't act on it, and it becomes a habit; but when they sometimes have free reigns on it, it could become a pathological type of fixation; here is when it could become a dangerous type of behavior. 
He needs to get to the root of it, because when men or women become obsessed with everyone else of the opposite sex but their partner, there's an underlying emotional pathos affecting his/her behavior.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Meredith767 said:


> My husband is 54 and recently I found in his phone's history, years of searching for 100+ women, mostly under 35 years old. I had told him I was going on his phone, so he knew I was looking and I almost gave the phone back because I was done, but saw one woman's name he searched for, then another, then another and then it ended up being at least 100 over the 3 years history on his phone. He works with most of them or has worked with them in the past. There are also other disturbing finds such as my daughter's teacher, sales women from places we've been, our Realtor, moms from my kids' schools, etc. He searches for their phone numbers, addresses, pictures, looks on their social media accounts, Linkedin, whatever is available. He says he's not ever contacted any of them but talked to one on several occasions because she was a mom on my son's school's volleyball team and my husband coached for a while, so he sought her out after games (but this one I could prove, so he had to admit it and others I can't prove). She lives a mile from us and he walks our dog for a good hour a night, so I can't help but wonder if he had been walking by her house, sort of stalking.???
> 
> We've had many many problems over the years, in and out of marriage counseling and several years ago had found out from a mutual friend that he had 50+ women on his Linkedin account that were again all under 35, attractive, single, yet he had told me for 10 years that he didn't work with any women and didn't know any. He has "no" female friends. He said yes he did work with women but didn't want to tell me and that they all wanted resume help. He contacted 10 of them giving them his personal phone number on his last day at that company. That brought us to marriage counseling after that and also due to his disappearing at 5am from home (sneaking out of bed, showering then quietly leaving) until he went into the office. When I confronted him about this, he said that he couldn't sleep and went into the office.
> 
> ...


Hoo boy!

Typical urges? Maybe.

Typical behavior? Hell no! It is extremely inappropriate at best.

Mid life crisis?

He needs to commit to you if your marriage is to be healthy.

I'm nearing 50 and have felt some shifting in urges over the last few years or so. I'm not sure how wide spread being attracted to younger people is as everyone ages but I would think it is pretty common regardless of gender. Younger folks are attractive. Acting like an idiot isn't.

Has he had an evaluation recently?

He seems off a bit?

He certainly isn't strengthening your marriage by this asinine behavior.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Meredith767 said:


> Right, I'm trying to be reasonable about this. I realize he's seen attractive people in the past 17 years, but to search them out, flirt with them, many of them and much younger, is getting beyond my scope. This is all unreasonable behavior to me, but he likes to say that he doesn't understand my rules for marriage and some of his friends have very lenient wives. I am not one of them.


So he is fine with you doing the same thing with younger, more vital men than him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Meredith767 said:


> Right, I'm trying to be reasonable about this. I realize he's seen attractive people in the past 17 years, but to search them out, flirt with them, many of them and much younger, is getting beyond my scope. This is all unreasonable behavior to me, but he likes to say that he doesn't understand my rules for marriage and some of his friends have very lenient wives. I am not one of them.


He says that his friends' wives are lenient? Have you spoken to these women? If his friends are doing the same things, I doubt that their wives are ok with it.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Meredith767 said:


> Yes, his "flipping switches" will be evaluated with the psychiatrist and I plan on requesting everything is checked into and ruled out such as personality disorders, bipolar, etc.
> 
> I'm trying to keep a low profile in the meantime with what all I've been up to, sort of flying under the radar as much as I can, and keeping things seeming normal for my 2 kids at home. I'm in high alert though and have tried to get things in order if he does do something drastic.


Stay as low key as you can while searching. If he is alerted he may attempt to erase his trail, or he may flip on you.

You are handling this practically. 

Come here to vent.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Meredith767 ~ sounds as if he's been at this game so long that he's contracted a sheer sense of entitlement and simply doesn't think that his actions are hurting anyone ~ au contraire!

From the amount of massive evidence that you uncovered, I would greatly think that this extracurricular activity of his has been going on for so long that even an accomplished MC would have major difficulty putting him back on the right track!*


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> So he is fine with you doing the same thing with younger, more vital men than him?


The red flag was 6 years ago when he told me to have male friends. (That's his conscience talking because I had caught him with online women back then).

I do have an ex boyfriend from 18 years ago that keeps in touch and will occasionally say happy birthday or merry Christmas and happened to pop in at the beginning of this recent situation and asked if I was divorced yet! Mind you, I've never mentioned a thing to him. I said no not yet. He said, "I'm waiting for you." :surprise: I even told my husband and he didn't really have anything to say about it. And he's a successful attorney that's not married. That's my husband's typical apathetic attitude.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Hoo boy!
> 
> Typical urges? Maybe.
> 
> ...


Thanks, it's nice to hear an over 50 viewpoint. 

He gets a psychiatric eval in about a month. He claims he's always looked at women (which is news to me!) and didn't realize that marriage meant he couldn't look. Always an excuse and under simplification of his extensive research for over a decade. 

Yes, younger women may be attractive, but I've seen many of their pictures. At the risk of sounding out of touch again, I'm not 24 or 34 and don't look it anymore, but I'm not frumpy by any means. I've shown the womens' pictures to friends and they're horrified and think he's delusional. Yes, they're thinner, but Melania Trump isn't extremely thin and she's 40ish and gorgeous. 

He may very well be off - there's obviously something really amiss going on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Meredith767 said:


> Thanks, it's nice to hear an over 50 viewpoint.
> 
> He gets a psychiatric eval in about a month. He claims he's always looked at women (which is news to me!) and didn't realize that marriage meant he couldn't look. Always an excuse and under simplification of his extensive research for over a decade.


I have always looked and still do. I'm a people watcher.

Your husband isn't just looking. He is stalking and cultivating, or at least trying to cultivate relationships with many women.

I look at hundreds of women, men too, but I don't have any of their information or contact information specifically.

The women I do have relationships with all know my wife as well and do not approach the number your husband has interactions with.

Don't settle for or accept any of his excuses. He is not only being inappropriate and destroying his marriage.

He is bordering on criminal and scary behavior. He might not be there yet, but he passed the creepy line some time ago.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I find his behavior completely revolting. And it’s enough that it would send me packing. This isn’t something new that cropped up i the last year or six months. This is disturbing behavior and utter disrespect for you and for your marriage that has gone on for a decade! It’s for sure a form of cheating. 

If this were me, there would be no second chance or working on this. You deserve better. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

arbitrator said:


> * @Meredith767 ~ sounds as if he's been at this game so long that he's contracted a sheer sense of entitlement and simply doesn't think that his actions are hurting anyone ~ au contraire!
> 
> From the amount of massive evidence that you uncovered, I would greatly think that this extracurricular activity of his has been going on for so long that even an accomplished MC would have major difficulty putting him back on the right track!*


That's what I'm afraid of, that his mental health issues may be much more than I'm anticipating - regardless if we stay together or not, I need him to be stable for my kids at least.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> I find his behavior completely revolting. And it’s enough that it would send me packing. This isn’t something new that cropped up i the last year or six months. This is disturbing behavior and utter disrespect for you and for your marriage that has gone on for a decade! It’s for sure a form of cheating.
> 
> If this were me, there would be no second chance or working on this. You deserve better.
> 
> ...


I'm completely overwhelmed by his behavior, hoping I wasn't over reacting, but it seems so far by everyone's reactions, that I'm not. My counselor and son's counselor wanted him to go to a residential addiction program, they were full though. 

Having him leave, is something I'm considering. My kids would stand to lose the most due to their extracurriculars. My daughter is top 10 in the country in her activity. She's in line for full ride scholarships and I couldn't financially support that. The thought of them having half custody with him just turns my stomach.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He would still be their father and would still be financially responsible for them if he left, whether there was a divorce or just separation. How old are they? Most older teenagers tend to come and go from each parents house pretty much as they please if there is a divorce. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Meredith767 said:


> That's what I'm afraid of, that his mental health issues may be much more than I'm anticipating - regardless if we stay together or not, I need him to be stable for my kids at least.


*Absolutely! Excellent logic!*


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> He would still be their father and would still be financially responsible for them if he left, whether there was a divorce or just separation. How old are they? Most older teenagers tend to come and go from each parents house pretty much as they please if there is a divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Child support isn't favorable toward the spouse in the state that I live in, so I wouldn't get much at all even including spousal support. It's reduced also due to his carrying the health care insurance. I did get him to sign a post nup, but I'll have to see how enforceable it would be. But regardless, he can't afford to pay for 2 households and all the extracurriculars my kids need.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Meredith, your road is all too familiar for me, unfortunately! Men like this "collect" women much like serial killers, forgive the connection. It is an obsession, something they get a "high" from and they can go back to their collection and get that feel good feeling when they look at the pics or make a casual connection. Is your husband self-conscience in any way, or has he ever mentioned that he felt rejected by other women? Just curious....sometimes men who feel like they really cannot truly have this woman or that due to their lack of self-esteem will "collect". It is common for any man to be a attracted to another woman whether he is married or not, married woman can be attracted to other men. What is a problem is what they do with this attraction. If a married man acts upon his attraction to pursue her, or collect her to look at later, he has reached into forbidden territory and some men love to dabble their toes in the forbidden, it makes their heart race, it feeds them the excitement they desire. This is nothing about you, this is all about him.

My background....married 24 years to a man who was a burn victim and felt very ashamed of his body because of the scarring, felt women would not like him due to his scars so he stayed distant and fantasized and "collected" (as I put it). This started very early, basically when he started showing interest in girls. It did not stop once we met and married. Hundreds of women.....videos online, saved searches, porn, would save names from waitresses on cruises, talking to women at work to gain their trust with his comedy and then would take them to lunch, he would go to functions and tell me that it was just the guys and then I would find out that wives were there also. He was an addict, had problem controlling his drinking and eating. Would not give me straight answers, caught him in so many lies it was pitiful. We saw several counselors and he was counseled for porn addiction and I thought we had made progress only for it all to go back to where it was. 

There was so much I could not understand. On the surface he seemed like such a gentleman, people liked him but once you really got to know this man he had issues. I blamed myself for a very long time before I realized this was not about me. He wasn't interested in me at all but yet he blamed me. His communication skills were absolutely appalling.....one of my counselors felt he was a high functioning asperger's. After I finally had enough and I saw no future for us and was ready to divorce this man my counseling (after seeing her for awhile, I had already filed) told me that when I first told her my situation she wanted to jump out of her chair and tell me to run. She said she is not supposed to tell anyone this and she would not have said anything if she felt I had already made up my mind. I have been divorced now for 3 1/2 years. I cannot tell you the relief I have felt. I look back now and see how seriously sick this man is.


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## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

I was reading through this post and had a whole lot to say...until I stumbled upon the fact that your husband has Asperger. Let's just say I have very personal experiences with it (no I'm not the one to have it) so my entire speech changed and I can only tell you what a therapist told me about it: that with Asperger is an uphill daily battle and there is no top of the hill, ever.
Aspergers can imitate normal behavior AT BEST, but they will never really get it. I dont know how you did it all these years with a husband with Asperger but it must have been excruciating. 

He likes young girls? All men do! (Shocker) as much as all women like strong muscular men. It has nothing to do with gender, it is just natural attraction. HOWEVER...it is what you do with it that counts. If you are married and you fool around with young girls, well...you have something to explain to your partner. 

In your case I dont think his 100+ stalking friends and coworkers fall into the category of asperger fixations. I think he is just bored at home and he is curious about what's out there. Remember aspergers love routine, love settling with familiar things even if they hurt or they bore them. And in the process make everybody else miserable.
Personally I dont have a good experience with asperger because everybody's life around them is quiet miserable no mater how hard you try. - Good luck!

PS I would love to talk more about your husband's asperger and maybe exchange tips...


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> I was reading through this post and had a whole lot to say...until I stumbled upon the fact that your husband has Asperger. Let's just say I have very personal experiences with it (no I'm not the one to have it) so my entire speech changed and I can only tell you what a therapist told me about it: that with Asperger is an uphill daily battle and there is no top of the hill, ever.
> Aspergers can imitate normal behavior AT BEST, but they will never really get it. I dont know how you did it all these years with a husband with Asperger but it must have been excruciating.
> 
> He likes young girls? All men do! (Shocker) as much as all women like strong muscular men. It has nothing to do with gender, it is just natural attraction. HOWEVER...it is what you do with it that counts. If you are married and you fool around with young girls, well...you have something to explain to your partner.
> ...


It has been excruciating, but over the years, I've learned to focus on years of self preservation counseling. "Asperger's" didn't exist at the beginning of our marriage and now he's been found to be mildly on the spectrum by one and not by another, but he does have a psych eval coming up next month. I suspect he's also comorbid with narcissism and ADHD which aren't uncommon with those on the spectrum. I've had to think of creative ways to not focus on his behavior and finding comfort somehow. Probably knowing that I have ex boyfriends, one who said just a few weeks ago, "I'm waiting for you" probably has been a great comfort and ego boost, strange as it sounds, but I've known all along they were lurking out there. I've been busy with my 12 and 14 year olds over the years and realize that they stand the most to lose in all of this and that alone keeps me going. I've tried to keep as normal of a home life as possible for them and then my son's social issues came up, so I've been focused on him over the years. I had 3 surgeries in 5 years with long recoveries one from a broken shoulder (playing racquetball) which was 6 months of physical therapy. So many things have occupied my woes. I've been in counseling most of our marriage also. Then along came online groups of which I'm in most of the personality disorder groups for spouses and hearing the commonalities was a huge help. And then prayer. I had a tough childhood, and learned to be resilient, although realizing that this does affect me whether I admit it or not.

Our home life is rather repetitive and boring which I had thought he'd thrive in. Apparently not. He isn't exactly on the realistic side though. If he does have ADHD, I can see your point in his being bored and he did say he gets bored easily which was news to me. He said the other day he likes athletic women which was news to me again. He likes tennis; I'm a level 3.5/4 player, but that isn't good enough. I was an all star softball player and taught our son baseball. We all could play baseball or jog. I've been the one mentioning small things like a 3k for the 4 of us, but he's had no interest. You're right though, try as we might, it doesn't resonate with them.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

AVR1962 said:


> Meredith, your road is all too familiar for me, unfortunately! Men like this "collect" women much like serial killers, forgive the connection. It is an obsession, something they get a "high" from and they can go back to their collection and get that feel good feeling when they look at the pics or make a casual connection. Is your husband self-conscience in any way, or has he ever mentioned that he felt rejected by other women? Just curious....sometimes men who feel like they really cannot truly have this woman or that due to their lack of self-esteem will "collect". It is common for any man to be a attracted to another woman whether he is married or not, married woman can be attracted to other men. What is a problem is what they do with this attraction. If a married man acts upon his attraction to pursue her, or collect her to look at later, he has reached into forbidden territory and some men love to dabble their toes in the forbidden, it makes their heart race, it feeds them the excitement they desire. This is nothing about you, this is all about him.
> 
> My background....married 24 years to a man who was a burn victim and felt very ashamed of his body because of the scarring, felt women would not like him due to his scars so he stayed distant and fantasized and "collected" (as I put it). This started very early, basically when he started showing interest in girls. It did not stop once we met and married. Hundreds of women.....videos online, saved searches, porn, would save names from waitresses on cruises, talking to women at work to gain their trust with his comedy and then would take them to lunch, he would go to functions and tell me that it was just the guys and then I would find out that wives were there also. He was an addict, had problem controlling his drinking and eating. Would not give me straight answers, caught him in so many lies it was pitiful. We saw several counselors and he was counseled for porn addiction and I thought we had made progress only for it all to go back to where it was.
> 
> There was so much I could not understand. On the surface he seemed like such a gentleman, people liked him but once you really got to know this man he had issues. I blamed myself for a very long time before I realized this was not about me. He wasn't interested in me at all but yet he blamed me. His communication skills were absolutely appalling.....one of my counselors felt he was a high functioning asperger's. After I finally had enough and I saw no future for us and was ready to divorce this man my counseling (after seeing her for awhile, I had already filed) told me that when I first told her my situation she wanted to jump out of her chair and tell me to run. She said she is not supposed to tell anyone this and she would not have said anything if she felt I had already made up my mind. I have been divorced now for 3 1/2 years. I cannot tell you the relief I have felt. I look back now and see how seriously sick this man is.



I'm so sorry to hear about your familiar situation, but am glad to hear that things have improved for you and you had the strength to leave.

Our stories have a lot of similarities. My husband hadn't dated and was a virgin until 27. He only had 2 girlfriends before me and one was short term. He didn't masturbate even until his 30's. Women weren't interested in him and he was turned down several times and was socially awkward.

He did say that looking at women is something he's always done and when the internet became available, he researched further. He Says he didn't realize that he should stop this behavior when married, or shouldn't have been "cyberstalking" in the first place. He collects them from just about everywhere too: my kids' teachers, our Realtor, a waitress, mostly work though because I think it's an easy convenient high when he needs one, they're right there a few cubicles away and they have to talk to him since he's higher up. Looking up these women gives him a dopamine hit he says and then talking to the one he found attractive (his "favorite" one) and approaching her on his own in public and she responded with conversation was a huge dopamine hit and boost to his self esteem. Whenever he feels he needs a high, he looks one up. Now he says he needs to find something else to do when he's bored, but I think he is starting to realize that he has an addiction/compulsion/obsession and more serious problems than he realizes. I really don't think he wants to stop though. Why would he?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Meredith767 said:


> He did say that looking at women is something he's always done and when the internet became available, he researched further. He Says he didn't realize that he should stop this behavior when married, or shouldn't have been "cyberstalking" in the first place. He collects them from just about everywhere too: my kids' teachers, our Realtor, a waitress, mostly work though because I think it's an easy convenient high when he needs one, they're right there a few cubicles away and they have to talk to him since he's higher up. Looking up these women gives him a dopamine hit he says and then talking to the one he found attractive (his "favorite" one) and approaching her on his own in public and she responded with conversation was a huge dopamine hit and boost to his self esteem. Whenever he feels he needs a high, he looks one up. Now he says he needs to find something else to do when he's bored, but I think he is starting to realize that he has an addiction/compulsion/obsession and more serious problems than he realizes. I really don't think he wants to stop though. Why would he?


This is just so, so sick. My heart breaks for you that you are dealing with this, and I am very angry for you as well.


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

I'm sure of one thing tht is the creepiest thing the stalking of all thease women u may have a serious problem of him being a serial rapest or killer of some sorts how do we know hes not watching these women in the windows of their homes on thease dog walks,,


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

Or worse planning to do something horrible most of thease type men do just wht you are describing


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Meredith767 said:


> My husband is 54 and recently I found in his phone's history, years of searching for 100+ women, mostly under 35 years old. I had told him I was going on his phone, so he knew I was looking and I almost gave the phone back because I was done, but saw one woman's name he searched for, then another, then another and then it ended up being at least 100 over the 3 years history on his phone. He works with most of them or has worked with them in the past. There are also other disturbing finds such as my daughter's teacher, sales women from places we've been, our Realtor, moms from my kids' schools, etc. He searches for their phone numbers, addresses, pictures, looks on their social media accounts, Linkedin, whatever is available. He says he's not ever contacted any of them but talked to one on several occasions because she was a mom on my son's school's volleyball team and my husband coached for a while, so he sought her out after games (but this one I could prove, so he had to admit it and others I can't prove). She lives a mile from us and he walks our dog for a good hour a night, so I can't help but wonder if he had been walking by her house, sort of stalking.???
> 
> We've had many many problems over the years, in and out of marriage counseling and several years ago had found out from a mutual friend that he had 50+ women on his Linkedin account that were again all under 35, attractive, single, yet he had told me for 10 years that he didn't work with any women and didn't know any. He has "no" female friends. He said yes he did work with women but didn't want to tell me and that they all wanted resume help. He contacted 10 of them giving them his personal phone number on his last day at that company. That brought us to marriage counseling after that and also due to his disappearing at 5am from home (sneaking out of bed, showering then quietly leaving) until he went into the office. When I confronted him about this, he said that he couldn't sleep and went into the office.
> 
> ...


There is nothing wrong with a 50 year old man being attracted to 22 year old women.

There is everything wrong with a 50 year old man using LinkedIn to follow/stalk women he's attracted to, giving out his number to, and sneaking off to spend time with.

See the difference?


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Exactly. I didn't know him apparently, but have him on a Life360 app now though, fwiw. I'm being over abundantly cautious now since he claims to not know social norms. My teen dd had a sleepover and so I had to send him to a hotel. He doesn't understand why. But I'm trying to be on top of things best that I can until I figure out what to do.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Meredith767 said:


> Exactly. I didn't know him apparently, but have him on a Life360 app now though, fwiw. I'm being over abundantly cautious now since he claims to not know social norms. My teen dd had a sleepover and so I had to send him to a hotel. He doesn't understand why. But I'm trying to be on top of things best that I can until I figure out what to do.


He's a 54 year old man that doesn't understand social norms?

He's lying a very convenient lie.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Marduk said:


> He's a 54 year old man that doesn't understand social norms?
> 
> He's lying a very convenient lie.


He claims he didn't date much and didn't know what all was involved with being married as 3 of his 4 friends have lenient wives and Asperger's tend to have social issues. Yes, I call bs. There's always an excuse.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Meredith767 said:


> He claims he didn't date much and didn't know what all was involved with being married as 3 of his 4 friends have lenient wives and Asperger's tend to have social issues. Yes, I call bs. There's always an excuse.


So you’re married to someone that lies, creeps other women, is in therapy for a sex addiction, you’re having to police him, you’ve caught him trying to contact women several times, has had mysterious time gaps at work where some of these women are, and to top it all off, his excuse is that he’s a 54 year old man child that didn’t know better?

Gaslighting 101.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Meredith767 said:


> The red flag was 6 years ago when he told me to have male friends. (That's his conscience talking because I had caught him with online women back then).
> 
> I do have an ex boyfriend from 18 years ago that keeps in touch and will occasionally say happy birthday or merry Christmas and happened to pop in at the beginning of this recent situation and asked if I was divorced yet! Mind you, I've never mentioned a thing to him. I said no not yet. He said, "I'm waiting for you." :surprise: I even told my husband and he didn't really have anything to say about it. And he's a successful attorney that's not married. That's my husband's typical apathetic attitude.


So, taking advice from your husband who has issues. And your so cavalier about it. So is the red flag you speak of is it about you telling you xbf, no not just yet divorce so you xbf is waiting for you then? 

Or is it that this boyfriend from 18 yrs ago still in contact after 18yrs and only six yrs ago decided to tell your husband. And yet his inferiority complex comes to the surface in the whole duration of your marriage. 

I do believe your man has issues and so do you. Leave him and don't look back and call your bf and live happily ever after. Because of your concern for the safety if your kids. Why
take chances.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Meredith767 said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about your familiar situation, but am glad to hear that things have improved for you and you had the strength to leave.
> 
> Our stories have a lot of similarities. My husband hadn't dated and was a virgin until 27. He only had 2 girlfriends before me and one was short term. He didn't masturbate even until his 30's. Women weren't interested in him and he was turned down several times and was socially awkward.
> 
> He did say that looking at women is something he's always done and when the internet became available, he researched further. He Says he didn't realize that he should stop this behavior when married, or shouldn't have been "cyberstalking" in the first place. He collects them from just about everywhere too: my kids' teachers, our Realtor, a waitress, mostly work though because I think it's an easy convenient high when he needs one, they're right there a few cubicles away and they have to talk to him since he's higher up. Looking up these women gives him a dopamine hit he says and then talking to the one he found attractive (his "favorite" one) and approaching her on his own in public and she responded with conversation was a huge dopamine hit and boost to his self esteem. Whenever he feels he needs a high, he looks one up. Now he says he needs to find something else to do when he's bored, but I think he is starting to realize that he has an addiction/compulsion/obsession and more serious problems than he realizes. I really don't think he wants to stop though. Why would he?


Why are you staying with this man? What message is in you (that you are telling yourself) that makes you stay or hesitant to leave? This is no way to live. Do you think he can change his ways after a life-time of this type of activity and the way he sees women?


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

AVR1962 said:


> Why are you staying with this man? What message is in you (that you are telling yourself) that makes you stay or hesitant to leave? This is no way to live. Do you think he can change his ways after a life-time of this type of activity and the way he sees women?


I just found out less than a month ago and have been trying to first get legal paperwork and financials in order and second trying to figure out if this is typical as it seems most men do look at women. I'm realizing that the rest of his behavior isn't typical although Asperger's do get obsessions and his obsession is women which I didn't know until a couple of weeks ago when he said he's been looking at women since his teens. I'm a stay at home mom and child and spousal support won't be enough. I quit my job when he was diagnosed with cancer and didn't return due to then caring for my son.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Having to send your H to a hotel when your teen daughter has a sleepover isn't typical. It's downright disturbing.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Meredith767 said:


> I just found out less than a month ago and have been trying to first get legal paperwork and financials in order and second trying to figure out if this is typical as it seems most men do look at women. I'm realizing that the rest of his behavior isn't typical although Asperger's do get obsessions and his obsession is women which I didn't know until a couple of weeks ago when he said he's been looking at women since his teens. I'm a stay at home mom and child and spousal support won't be enough. I quit my job when he was diagnosed with cancer and didn't return due to then caring for my son.


There's an old saying that goes something like "It's only natural for a man to notice a beautiful woman when she walks by, but a gentleman doesn't turn around to check out her ass."

Your husband has gone way, way over the line. And knows better, no matter what BS he tries to sell you.



> Psychiatrist Theodore Dorpat described two characteristics of gaslighting: that the abuser wants full control of feelings, thoughts, or actions of the victim, and that the abuser emotionally abuses the victim, discreetly, but in hostile, abusive, or coercive ways.[13] As described by Patricia Evans, seven "warning signs" of gaslighting are the observed abuser's:[14]
> 
> *Withholding information from the victim;
> Countering information to fit the abuser's perspective;
> ...


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Bolding is mine. It's stuff I think you've described here.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Yes, I believe that's all very true. I had heard of gaslighting and now that it's all spelled out, it does seem very applicable. Thanks for the links. 

I'm having a hard time understanding why he'd do this. Why not just leave after all these years of looking? Or is he holding out for the perfect person, then making his move? I can't get him to really admit much. He'll sort of say he was possibly looking for someone, but only subconsciously, but never to have an affair or leave of course, then the next day say "after he's thought about it, he doesn't think that's the reason" (gaslighting again) then mentioned maybe it was due to my having so many problems and he doesn't want to discuss my problems, then says later on, no that's not it either, but agreed that maybe he was fantasizing about someone of his emotional age which is around 25, but keeps saying he just doesn't know why he's done all of that and can't think of any specific reason. I think he thinks if he gives a specific reason, that'll be his demise and for some reason, he doesn't want to end this. But yes, it all seems to be gaslighting.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think at this point, you will never understand. And you should make decisions on his actions and not what he tells you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Meredith767 said:


> Yes, I believe that's all very true. I had heard of gaslighting and now that it's all spelled out, it does seem very applicable. Thanks for the links.


Gaslighting is abuse. So you are in an abusive relationship. There are only two ways to deal with an abusive relationship: the other person stops after the first event, or you leave. 

You're well past the point where stopping is an option, so your other option is to leave. 



> I'm having a hard time understanding why he'd do this. Why not just leave after all these years of looking? Or is he holding out for the perfect person, then making his move? I can't get him to really admit much. He'll sort of say he was possibly looking for someone, but only subconsciously, but never to have an affair or leave of course, then the next day say "after he's thought about it, he doesn't think that's the reason" (gaslighting again) then mentioned maybe it was due to my having so many problems and he doesn't want to discuss my problems, then says later on, no that's not it either, but agreed that maybe he was fantasizing about someone of his emotional age which is around 25, but keeps saying he just doesn't know why he's done all of that and can't think of any specific reason. I think he thinks if he gives a specific reason, that'll be his demise and for some reason, he doesn't want to end this. But yes, it all seems to be gaslighting.


He does it because he wants to. He's able to do it because you tolerate it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yep, the only reason he does it is because HE WANTS TO. There is no other explanation. He can sit there and pretend to analyze, etc, but its all a load of bull. He likes what he does, he wants to do it, so he does it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Meredith767 said:


> Yes, I believe that's all very true. I had heard of gaslighting and now that it's all spelled out, it does seem very applicable. Thanks for the links.
> 
> I'm having a hard time understanding why he'd do this. *Why not just leave after all these years of looking? Or is he holding out for the perfect person, then making his move?* I can't get him to really admit much. He'll sort of say he was possibly looking for someone, but only subconsciously, but never to have an affair or leave of course, then the next day say "after he's thought about it, he doesn't think that's the reason" (gaslighting again) then mentioned maybe it was due to my having so many problems and he doesn't want to discuss my problems, then says later on, no that's not it either, but agreed that maybe he was fantasizing about someone of his emotional age which is around 25, but keeps saying he just doesn't know why he's done all of that and can't think of any specific reason. I think he thinks if he gives a specific reason, that'll be his demise and for some reason, he doesn't want to end this. But yes, it all seems to be gaslighting.



The answer to your questions in bold above is that he doesn't leave because he doesn't want to. What he wants is to be able to nurture his obsessions and have the comfort, ease, and veneer of respectability provided by having a "happy" marriage and home life. He likes having you at home tackling the day-to-day, likes hot meals and clean clothes and a tidy home, likes the normalcy you and the children provide him. And he likes doing all the other things he gets up do. He wants _both_ and he sees no reason why he shouldn't be able to have both. It's possible he would never even consider leaving you. He doesn't want to be single, with all the discomfort and extra work that would create for him. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

You see that mindset a lot with serial cheaters.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Rowan said:


> The answer to your questions in bold above is that he doesn't leave because he doesn't want to. What he wants is to be able to nurture his obsessions and have the comfort, ease, and veneer of respectability provided by having a "happy" marriage and home life. He likes having you at home tackling the day-to-day, likes hot meals and clean clothes and a tidy home, likes the normalcy you and the children provide him. And he likes doing all the other things he gets up do. He wants _both_ and he sees no reason why he shouldn't be able to have both. It's possible he would never even consider leaving you. He doesn't want to be single, with all the discomfort and extra work that would create for him. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
> 
> You see that mindset a lot with serial cheaters.


I think the above could possibly be true although he has said a couple of times (in the past 17 years) that he doesn't like coming home, but yes I do all of the above and in some ways, he could like that. He does seem rather narcissistic, so why not ask for the world??? and for some reason he just admitted to sexually fantasizing about 3 of the women, maybe feeling pressured and thanks to you all here, I probably did pressure him into admitting something, anything since he isn't appearing to be telling the truth so far. Maybe next, he'll out with why he stays (lol).


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He stays because not everyone wants a divorce when they’re bored. But many do want the excitement of a new, shiny toy — in whatever form that might take — and apparently he’s one. 

Of course, he’s fantasizing about them. What else would be their purpose to him?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Meredith767 said:


> He didn't masturbate even until his 30's.


Hopefully you realize this is a lie. Whatever dopamine hit he got from interacting with the women would be trivial compared to what he would feel from masturbation. I'm guessing that age should be 13 rather than 30.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Meredith767 said:


> I think the above could possibly be true although he has said a couple of times (in the past 17 years) that he doesn't like coming home, but yes I do all of the above and in some ways, he could like that. He does seem rather narcissistic, so why not ask for the world??? and for some reason he just admitted to sexually fantasizing about 3 of the women, maybe feeling pressured and thanks to you all here, I probably did pressure him into admitting something, anything since he isn't appearing to be telling the truth so far. Maybe next, he'll out with why he stays (lol).


At this point, I'm wondering why you're wondering what his motivations are at all.

His whole schtick is a charade. You're running around in circles trying to decide which of his lies are real vs which ones are lies... I'm here to tell you that they are _all_ lies and none of it matters.

What matters is you getting out that door. Realize you're watching theatrics and get up from your seat, put the popcorn down, and just walk out of the theatre into the sunshine.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Meredith767 said:


> I just found out less than a month ago and have been trying to first get legal paperwork and financials in order and second trying to figure out if this is typical as it seems most men do look at women. I'm realizing that the rest of his behavior isn't typical although Asperger's do get obsessions and his obsession is women which I didn't know until a couple of weeks ago when he said he's been looking at women since his teens. I'm a stay at home mom and child and spousal support won't be enough. I quit my job when he was diagnosed with cancer and didn't return due to then caring for my son.


You have received some very good advise here, take it to heart. There is life beyond what you have been living. You are existing and I think you have been far to kind and more than compassionate. It is time for you to live. Find your life and move on. Honestly, I think this man is playing with your head and he knows it......there is no way in heck he didn't masturbate until he was in his 30's, just not happenin'! Girl, he is playing you.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

......there is no way in heck he didn't masturbate until he was in his 30's, just not happenin'! Girl, he is playing you.[/QUOTE]

He's never had a high sex drive. He was born with one only semi functioning testicle and has had low testoserone all along. I don't know if that plays into it or not, but he doesn't seem to have difficulty getting turned on by someone else.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Marduk said:


> Gaslighting is abuse. So you are in an abusive relationship. There are only two ways to deal with an abusive relationship: the other person stops after the first event, or you leave.
> 
> You're well past the point where stopping is an option, so your other option is to leave.
> 
> ...


I just found out about this round about a month ago and had NO idea. There were the Linkedin women about 6 years ago but I gave him the benefit of the doubt that they were in fact platonic work associates and had no reason since then to think anything at all. There were no signs and I'm a rather helicopter wife.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Meredith767 said:


> I just found out about this round about a month ago and had NO idea. There were the Linkedin women about 6 years ago but I gave him the benefit of the doubt that they were in fact platonic work associates and had no reason since then to think anything at all. There were no signs and I'm a rather helicopter wife.


And now?


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

Marduk said:


> And now?


I certainly wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior if I had known. But now with technology, I need to realize that I may never know again. He'll just hide his crazy better now. I had my one shot.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Meredith767 said:


> I'm having a hard time understanding why he'd do this. Why not just leave after all these years of looking? Or is he holding out for the perfect person, then making his move?


I think you are asking the question coming from your own way of thinking towards what you want from others. Females are relationship oriented but men are not so I think you he is looking for something specific but he is only trying to gain his pleasure. This is not about finding certain qualities in a woman that he adores. This is about getting his thrill. Why does he do it? Because of his own thought processes that are not relationship orientated. It gives him a thrill, he seeks that rush of adrenaline, his brain is not wired like yours. Why does he not leave? Why should he? He has a wife at home, life is probably pretty comfortable for him. He has been able to eat his cake and have it too, he has had no consequences to pay for his poor actions. 

You also mentioned that he admitted to fantasizing about sex with 3 women. My ex was always walking a half step behind me when we walked and it was to check out every woman that walked. We would go into a room, anywhere, and he would scope the whole room for a woman or two he was attracted to and then he kept going back to looking at them, repeatedly.....so much so that I could talk to him and he would not even hear a word I said. One time when he had been drinking I asked him what he was thinking. he told me that he stripped the women naked and imagined having sex with them. I have since mentioned this to some of the men I have become close to and they all sad the man was sick. 

Personally, I think your husband has some very deep issues that he is completely unaware about and you are only beginning to discover and because it is not boldly in your face you question if this is just stuff all men do and question what you have done wrong. You are wasting your time. The sooner you shed yourself of all of this the sooner you can begin to live your own life. He does not have the capability to change, you cannot help him.


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## Meredith767 (Jan 3, 2020)

AVR1962 said:


> You also mentioned that he admitted to fantasizing about sex with 3 women. My ex was always walking a half step behind me when we walked and it was to check out every woman that walked. We would go into a room, anywhere, and he would scope the whole room for a woman or two he was attracted to and then he kept going back to looking at them, repeatedly.....so much so that I could talk to him and he would not even hear a word I said. One time when he had been drinking I asked him what he was thinking. he told me that he stripped the women naked and imagined having sex with them. I have since mentioned this to some of the men I have become close to and they all sad the man was sick.
> 
> Personally, I think your husband has some very deep issues that he is completely unaware about and you are only beginning to discover and because it is not boldly in your face you question if this is just stuff all men do and question what you have done wrong. You are wasting your time. The sooner you shed yourself of all of this the sooner you can begin to live your own life. He does not have the capability to change, you cannot help him.


Thanks for your insight. I did ask him the other day about the fantasies with other women and he told me how he fantasized scenarios such as one they would go out with the work group for Happy Hour then go back to her place, so to me that did seem more "real" than the other scenarios. He still says he has no idea why he does this except for a dopamine rush. But yes, I was originally wondering if this is typical/normal behavior for a 54 year old to fantasize about these women 20-30 years younger and "follow" them online for 10 years. I had no idea. His counselor is now saying he's only mildly compulsive about women and seems to think this looking for them online is pretty normal and not over the top! That was a little jaw dropping for me also. I think he needs a new counselor.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The counselor is wrong! For sure get him a new one! Your H is sick, he needs real help. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

The counselor needs to go. Your H needs major intensive help. I mean major help. I realize you were taking precautions (and you were smart to do that) but I just keep cringing at the fact you had him stay at a hotel during your daughter's sleepover. That's not something for a "counselor." 

Your H sounds like he could be a sexual predator. That's something for a heavy hitter like a psychiatrist. Is your H's counselor a psychiatrist? Regardless, s/he needs to be fired.


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