# Do I attempt to 'beat him at his own game'?



## Destineesdawn (Oct 11, 2011)

I need some advice. I posted on another forum, but realized this is the one I should have posted on. My husband and I were married when he was 18 and I was nearly 21. I came into the marriage with 2 children (now 8 & 9). We have a 5 year old son together and I am 7 months pregnant with our second. We have been married for nearly 8 years and have had MANY rough times that we have gotten through together (granted, sometimes it was trying). My husband had 2 affairs early in our marriage, and I have forgiven him and we have successfully worked through these affairs. However, there have been 5 times where I have found him texting other women that he met on dating or gaming websites. Seeing that these women lived in distant states, and we were in no financial position for any meeting to ever happen, I slowly let each of these indiscretions go and forgave him. A couple of weeks ago I noticed that the cell was being hidden again. I asked, he lied, I persisted, he claimed that he was indeed speaking to women because he got married young and it made him feel good to know that he could still woo other women. He stated that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. (2 years ago we agreed for me to quit working and stay at home to care for the children and obtain my degree, and then I would work while he earned his. Therefore, he is the financial breadwinner. I moved from Texas to Tennessee in order for him to be around his family since his parents are in their 70’s and in poor health (they had him later in life).) Since I have no means at this time to provide for my children and myself, I made arrangements to move back to Texas with my grandmother. The day before I was to leave he told me that he really wished to work things out, that he loved me, none of this was my fault, and he was just “talking”. Me, being the idiot that I am, cancelled my plans and agreed to work things out. He works 14 days on, one day off, 12 hours a night, and has been coming home about 1-3 hours late every day (that is another reason I suspected something). He admitted that he was sitting up the road texting and chatting with these women. Although I honestly believe that he has not physically met any of them YET, I am not naïve enough to believe that it would never happen. He told me about a month ago that he knows I would never leave him because I love him too much. He has still been hiding his phone, so I told him this morning that I wanted full access to his phone. He said, “NO”. I told him that in my opinion, that, meant that he was still talking to these women…he said, “whatever, you can believe what you want”. I simply walked out of the room and have not acknowledged any conversation he has attempted. My question is; is this a mind game to see how far he can go? I admit that I have not been the perfect wife, but I have NEVER even considered cheating. He tells me to leave, then when I try, he begs me not to. As soon as he sees that I am staying, he gets complacent again. I honestly do not wish to move my children 800 miles from him, but have nowhere to go. I have decided to move into the spare room for now, but I really need advice on what to do. I honestly believe that people can change, and now I am beginning to believe that perhaps I need to play and beat him at his own game. I am just extremely desperate and looking for some advice. Thanks in advance!
God Bless


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I know you believe that people can change, but in all honesty it's pretty damn rare. 

Trying to "beat him at his own game" just drags you down to his level. Wrestling a pig gets you both dirty, but the pig enjoys it. 

There are no easy answers in life, but the one thing you can pretty much count on is that your husband is a wandering jerk. If you are waiting for him to stop it and be with you 100% you'll be 55 and wondering what happened to your life while your husband is with his 18th lover.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You left out the part where he was physically abusive for 5 years.



stop being an enabler/co-dependent

find a away to get out, you deserve better, stop waiting around for him to change


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## Destineesdawn (Oct 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered; I left that part out intentionally. I am more concerned with the affair than the past physical abuse. Codependent- yes, very much so. One second want to leave, the next I do not. I do love this man dearly. 
Although he has hurt me, does that give me the right to take his children from him? There is no possible way for me to leave him without moving 800 miles away, that seems more vindictive then cheating for revenge. 
UGGhh- I really have no idea what to do.
I cannot help but thinking that I am obviously doing something wrong to make him do this, I just have no idea what it is. I will not take full blame, but I can acknowledge the possibility that I could be a contributing factor. 
Either way, I believe in a world where anything is possible; it may be highly unlikely that he will stop, but not impossible.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Soccerfan73 said:


> If you are waiting for him to stop it and be with you 100% you'll be 55 and wondering what happened to your life while your husband is with his 18th lover.


End of conversation, when you think about it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Destineesdawn said:


> Almostrecovered; I left that part out intentionally. *I am more concerned with the affair than the past physical abuse.* Codependent- yes, very much so. One second want to leave, the next I do not. I do love this man dearly.



but it shows a pattern of this man NOT being a person who deserves your love and devotion and has continually hurt you over and over and over again. (I think I counted 8 affairs including your sister in the other thread) How many times will you catch him, he cries crocodile tears and then starts up again?!! I'd also bet my mortgage that he is having physical affairs currrently due to him being home 1-3 hours late all the time.




Destineesdawn said:


> Although he has hurt me, *does that give me the right to take his children from him?* There is no possible way for me to leave him without moving 800 miles away, that seems more vindictive then cheating for revenge.


IMO YES

Especially due to his past history of violence- having kids around a man with violence issues is what not those kids NEED. (and exactly why I brought up in this thread)


Destineesdawn said:


> UGGhh- I really have no idea what to do.
> *I cannot help but thinking that I am obviously doing something wrong to make him do this, I just have no idea what it is. *I will not take full blame, but I can acknowledge the possibility that I could be a contributing factor.
> Either way, I believe in a world where anything is possible; it may be highly unlikely that he will stop, but not impossible.


NOTHING is wrong with you for him to do this. This is the codependent in you talking. Please wake up from this nightmare and do what's right for your kids and you.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Oh HELL NO!!! If he has been physically abusive then you need to get the HELL OUT!!! And don't tell me you don't have anywhere to go, call your family and tell them that this relationship is toxic and he has been beating on you. BELIEVE ME! They'll get you out and help get you a fresh start. And if you don't have family or aren't close to them, then I'm sure you have friends that can help. And if that doesn't pan out, then their are battered women shelters that have counselors that can give you a hand on getting that fresh start. 

You need to get out!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Dawn- if a friend came and told you that their husband had 8 or more EA's and PA's including her own sister and also beat her for five years but stopped, what would you tell her?

You need to step outside your shell and honestly see what has happened in your marriage- stop clinging to hope that he will become a man who won't hurt you. It's not going to happen.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Dawn- if a friend came and told you that their husband had 8 or more EA's and PA's including her own sister and also beat her for five years but stopped, what would you tell her?
> 
> You need to step outside your shell and honestly see what has happened in your marriage- stop clinging to hope that he will become a man who won't hurt you. It's not going to happen.


Oh yeah. He's not going to change. Stop worrying about his feelings and rights, he sure as hell isn't worried about yours.:iagree:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Destineesdawn said:


> Although he has hurt me, does that give me the right to take his children from him?


Legally, yes (or at least probably). Morally and/or ethically, it depends on your situation. Your husband is the one cheating and hurting his family. Do your morals tell you that divorce is never justified at all? What kind of a father (besides the cheating, which is harmful behavior) is he?



Destineesdawn said:


> There is no possible way for me to leave him without moving 800 miles away, that seems more vindictive then cheating for revenge.


You have a false premise. People separate every day in this country. It's a very easy process. As for moving far away, you don't have to. You can get a job. You can sue him for child support and alimony to supplement your income. Then you don't have to move.



Destineesdawn said:


> I cannot help but thinking that I am obviously doing something wrong to make him do this, I just have no idea what it is. I will not take full blame, but I can acknowledge the possibility that I could be a contributing factor.


You are doing at least one thing wrong. Possibly two. One thing you may be doing wrong is not being a good wife. While marital problems don't justify affairs, more bad marriages have affairs than good marriages. So you could be contributing to a bad marriage, which makes your husband more inclined to cheat on you.

One thing you are definitely doing wrong is, you are allowing him to cheat on you. Your husband gets to troll dating websites after work looking to score. If you catch him, nothing happens. So it's a win/win for him. He gets attention from you and other women as well. If you stop allowing him to cheat, he may stop or you may have to divorce him. You can't know which until you take that step.



Destineesdawn said:


> Either way, I believe in a world where anything is possible; it may be highly unlikely that he will stop, but not impossible.


You're right. It's possible your husband may decide to stop cheating without you forcing the issue. It's also possible the sun will rise in the west tomorrow morning. They are both highly unlikely. But anything's possible, right?


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Destineesdawn said:


> He told me about a month ago that he knows I would never leave him because I love him too much.


Until you blast that perception of his out of the water he will continue to know that he can get away with anything.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Destineesdawn said:


> My question is; is this a mind game to see how far he can go? I admit that I have not been the perfect wife, but I have NEVER even considered cheating. He tells me to leave, then when I try, he begs me not to. As soon as he sees that I am staying, he gets complacent again. I honestly do not wish to move my children 800 miles from him, but have nowhere to go. I have decided to move into the spare room for now, but I really need advice on what to do. I honestly believe that people can change, and now I am beginning to believe that perhaps I need to play and beat him at his own game. I am just extremely desperate and looking for some advice. Thanks in advance!
> God Bless


I'm sort of hoping that my husband will change his behavior and be who he was before his affair(s), but despite my belief that people can change, I doubt this will happen. So, I can relate to your desire to play the game and win. Unfortunately, winning might come at the cost of yourself. You shouldn't have to fight for love and respect -- especially not when you have children with this man. But, if you have to fight, do so in a way that gains rather than costs you your self-respect. There's a thing called the 180 that people here have referred to which makes sense and I think you should look it up.

People only change when *they* want to change and when there's something at stake if they don't. He's definitely testing you to see how much he can get away with! And, you may not intend to do so, but you're giving him permission to get away with this stuff by not leaving. I know it's tough that you have children and don't want to move them if you can help it, but, in my opinion, he's not going to change unless he realizes that you are more valuable to him than this stuff on the side and he won't realize that until he faces losing you. You should definitely move yourself and your kids away from him and you should do it immediately and without warning him. I don't know your situation, but, if there's any chance of physical violence (which I suspect by his manipulation of you), don't give him any warning, just get the hell out with your kids while he's away at work and don't let him have a clue about what you're doing until you're long gone. When he realizes what he's about to lose, he will have to consider which he wants more you or the mistreatment of you.

Be strong and just do it.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Destineesdawn said:


> Almostrecovered; I left that part out intentionally. I am more concerned with the affair than the past physical abuse. Codependent- yes, very much so. One second want to leave, the next I do not. I do love this man dearly.


I'm sorry to say this (especially because it's probably also true for my situation and I don't want to accept it, either), but, infidelity in combination with abuse generally reinforces a pattern. You can't ignore one when you're talking about the other because the motivation for the two behaviors is usually the same or similar. There's often a desire for control and domination at the heart of these behaviors when they occur in combination. Change is very very hard and most women who are in these relationships look to themselves to see how they might be inviting or causing it because they are used to accepting the blame. The only way to encourage him to change is to make him see you as someone he can respect, someone who won't put up with his behavior. That's why I urge you to leave. If you don't want to do it for yourself or for your children, then think of it as the only way you might be able to encourage change in this person. Even if it seems counter-intuitive, choosing to stay in the situation won't encourage him to change, just enable him to keep doing what he's doing. I am not saying this to be harsh. I understand how you're feeling. I still think you should consider this strategy, if not for yourself then simply because something's got to change one way or another, right?


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## Destineesdawn (Oct 11, 2011)

First: thankyou all for your comments...although my pregnancy hormones kicked in and I had a good cry from some of the comments. 
PHTlump: You have to understand that I come from a long line of divorces and I have vowed to let nothing interfere with my marriage. My morals do tell me that there is only one reason for divorce, my children. He is an excellent father though, and we never so much as fight in front of our children. And yes, he is hurting me, but I would never allow it to interfere with my responsibilities as a mother. And finally, you are right, I am not the perfect wife. I do the best I can, but I know my faults. I would never attempt to put the full blame on him. Marriage is not 50/50; if you both give less than 100% you are doomed, and I am sure that I am not meeting my quota. I will not belittle him and up myself; we are both to blame. 

I did expect to get comments saying that I should just leave, but I feel like a coward taking the easy way out. He is not a bad person, he just makes bad decisions. I guess I was looking for advice on how I can help him. I am not clinging to hope, I do not refuse to divorce him if that is what he wants (I made immediate arrangements to leave when he asked me to ), but I do not want to abandon him. I have no illusions that my marriage will last forever, but do I simply give up on him because he has a problem?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

1. He cheats on you.
2. He texts and stays in constant communication with other women.
3. He physically abuses you.
4. he mentally abuses you.

THAT isn't your fault! THAT'S something he choose to do! I understand that you want to stay married and you vowed to stay married once you were married. But at what cost? What happens when your kids get to that rebelious age and he gets mad at them? Are you going to stand by and watch him beat on them? Because that's probably what's going to happen because he's never had to suffer the consequences of his actions.

I think you need to re-evaluate your situation.....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He hurt you and you wonder if it's ok to take his children from him?

He wasn't thinking of you or the kids when he beat you, or cheated on you.

He got married WAYYY too young. 18? Good grief! He missed out on his single life. Not saying you forced him to marry you, but he's looking for something.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You know the answer to this problem, and you have known it all along

Just go back to Texas, and do not let him ever manipulate you again

The one time you stood up, he backed off, or bluffed you---well its time to leave----

Its also time to get away from this immature, irresponsible, POS, you have for a H---He is a selfish baby, who wants his own way, and will manipulate you, if you let him

Just pack up and leave, and if he gives you any hassle---or threatens/touches you---call the police


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