# Confused On How To React



## JoeFG (Apr 7, 2021)

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have been together for almost 20 years. Prior to her, I was married and my first wife cheated on me, causing our divorce. My wife plays this online game where she interacts with other people online. Occasionally, she takes it outside the game by way of giving some of the people she meets personal contact information, ie phone number, social media pages and such. More often than not, these are guys. She says she tells them initially she is happily married but still does it. When I react, she says I'm being controlling. My thought is that these guys should feel weird about contacting a married woman as a friend outside of the game, because I would feel weird talking to a married woman that my wife didn't know about, although I am saying that as a married guy and most of these guys are single. Beyond this action, I don't really have any reason to suspect anything but I get these flashbacks of what my first wife used to do, which was similar and it's like ptsd reaction to it. I want to do all that I can do to remain married to her because I absolutely love her. I feel that saying too much more to her would make her feel I'm controlling but I also don't want to seem like I don't care what she is doing.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife has her ass in the store window and eventually she will cheat. 
Tell her you are not prepared to be disrespected and she is welcome to continue her games just not as your wife.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You can’t MAKE other people feel a certain way. 

You have a problem with the way your wife interacts.

Address your wife, her behavior. Tell her she needs a healthy boundary tor you to feel safe within the marriage. Suggest counseling to help her work on that healthy boundary.

If she won’t - there’s bigger issues in your marriage... and YOU should understand that you don’t stay married when someone blatantly disrespects and disregards you.

You wanting to stay married so desperately is a concern.


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## JoeFG (Apr 7, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> You can’t MAKE other people feel a certain way.
> 
> You have a problem with the way your wife interacts.
> 
> ...


I have addressed it with her and we have had long conversations about it. I have explained how it makes me feel and have acknowledged it probably has as much to do with my first wife's behavior as anything. I want to stay married because I do love her. I have never considered leaving and that seems like a last resort action to me because of how I feel about her. I have told her I don't have any problem with her playing the game or even talking to guys in the game. I just don't understand why she has to take it outside the game. When I explain that is my issue, she insists I am controlling. The intent of this post isn't to bash her as much as it is to understand if I am behaving in a bad way in how I react.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

JoeFG said:


> I have addressed it with her and we have had long conversations about it. I have explained how it makes me feel and have acknowledged it probably has as much to do with my first wife's behavior as anything. I want to stay married because I do love her. I have never considered leaving and that seems like a last resort action to me because of how I feel about her. I have told her I don't have any problem with her playing the game or even talking to guys in the game. I just don't understand why she has to take it outside the game. When I explain that is my issue, she insists I am controlling. The intent of this post isn't to bash her as much as it is to understand if I am behaving in a bad way in how I react.


A married woman has NO business being friends with single guys outside of the game she is playing. Read here -- this is how a TON of affairs start.
You are NOT controlling -- that is just her trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad so that SHE can continue to do this. This is YOUR boundary for very good reasons.
Do you have full access to her phone, email, etc.?


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## JoeFG (Apr 7, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> A married woman has NO business being friends with single guys outside of the game she is playing. Read here -- this is how a TON of affairs start.
> You are NOT controlling -- that is just her trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad so that SHE can continue to do this. This is YOUR boundary for very good reasons.
> Do you have full access to her phone, email, etc.?


_I do not. I have not asked for it, though. Are you a guy or girl? I would like the female perspective of this situation, because I think most guys would feel the same way you do, and I know if I was responding rather thank asking I would probably feel the same way, and not sure that is really fair. _


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'll add my 2 cents as a woman. Your wife is calling you "controlling" because she doesn't want to respect your boundaries. See how it works? You feel bad and back down when she starts on the controlling nonsense. Talking does no good. You've already expressed how you feel about her giving out personal info. to single men. 

Bottom line is this: She calls you controlling to put the blame on you. In reality, the blame is squarely on her. She's your wife. And, speaking as a wife here, she is showing you complete and utter disrespect. However, unless you set a boundary about it and make it clear there will be consequences, she'll continue. She doesn't give a crap if what she's doing bothers you. From her perspective, it's your problem, not hers.

And, if it bothers you as much as you claim, you need to be willing to enforce consequences. If not, suck it up and live with it.


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## JoeFG (Apr 7, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I'll add my 2 cents as a woman. Your wife is calling you "controlling" because she doesn't want to respect your boundaries. See how it works? You feel bad and back down when she starts on the controlling nonsense. Talking does no good. You've already expressed how you feel about her giving out personal info. to single men.
> 
> Bottom line is this: She calls you controlling to put the blame on you. In reality, the blame is squarely on her. She's your wife. And, speaking as a wife here, she is showing you complete and utter disrespect. However, unless you set a boundary about it and make it clear there will be consequences, she'll continue. She doesn't give a crap if what she's doing bothers you. From her perspective, it's your problem, not hers.
> 
> And, if it bothers you as much as you claim, you need to be willing to enforce consequences. If not, suck it up and live with it.


As a married woman, is what she is doing wrong because of how it makes me feel or is it just wrong? Am I wrong in thinking that if these guys don't feel weird about talking to a married woman outside the game, it's not because they just want to be friends?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I wouldn't be ok with it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

JoeFG said:


> As a married woman, is what she is doing wrong because of how it makes me feel or is it just wrong? Am I wrong in thinking that if these guys don't feel weird about talking to a married woman outside the game, it's not because they just want to be friends?


Come on, please tell me you’re not this naïve.
No, single men do not feel weird talking to married women, they do not care, at all. Most single men would be more than happy to bang your wife.
No, they are not interested in being friends unless they’re gay.

Also, she doesn’t care how you feel about it so stop with the feelings nonsense. It’s not about how you feel, it’s about your boundaries. It’s about your expectations of your marriage and your wife, and it’s about what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> It’s not about how you feel, it’s about your boundaries. It’s about your expectations of your marriage and your wife, and it’s about what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage.


BINGO! We have a winner here. All this stuff about how you "feel." Cut that out. BOUNDARIES. Love it, live it, learn it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

There have been a lot of cheating stories on here that started under these circumstances. Your story echoes clearly...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JoeFG said:


> As a married woman, is what she is doing wrong because of how it makes me feel or is it just wrong?


Your wife doesn't give a hoot how you feel. You've already told her how you feel, and she basically told you to go pound sand. Yeah, it's just wrong because it's blatant disrespect towards you. 



JoeFG said:


> Am I wrong in thinking that if these guys don't feel weird about talking to a married woman outside the game, it's not because they just want to be friends?


Your feelings are subjective. I'm a stranger out in cyberspace who doesn't know you from jack. I don't know how a bunch of men I don't know feel. Nor do you. Again, dispense with all the "feelings" nonsense. No, single men aren't looking to be best buds with your wife.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Whether I would feel comfortable is not the point. The point is that you do not feel comfortable and this is going to eat away at you until she either stops or you go separate ways.

You have laid out your reasons for feeling uncomfortable and, in my opinion, any spouse worth their salt would consider respecting those views if they were reasonable. I think her reaction tells you far more about the overall state of your marriage than you may think.

Difficult to say which way to go here, do you keep quiet and let this supperate, do you start snooping around for evidence of something more serious, do you start with the 180, do you just have it out with her or do you give her an ultimatum?

If you feel that uncomfortable with it, I think you need to take some form of action and put aside any fears for your marriage because she may well have checked out of it already. For what it is worth, I would start the 180 and start finding a life outside of my marriage.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

JoeFG said:


> As a married woman, is what she is doing wrong because of how it makes me feel or is it just wrong? Am I wrong in thinking that if these guys don't feel weird about talking to a married woman outside the game, it's not because they just want to be friends?


It’s wrong that she purposely is disrespecting you when you have clearly stated it hurts you.

It’s not controlling - that’s how she is manipulating you so she can still flirt and get ego feeds from other men!

Why are you thinking it’s your fault? Your wife is acting in a way that makes you sad. You’ve said it bothers you. Now she disrespects you even further! Stop backing down! She walks ALL very you because YOU have allowed it!

If she won’t quit then divorce her! Love doesn’t look like what she is doing! 
She doesn’t care how you feel - that tells you EVERYTHING!

Does she work full time? 

And yes, I am female.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

DudeInProgress said:


> Also, she doesn’t care how you feel about it so stop with the feelings nonsense. It’s not about how you feel, it’s about your boundaries. It’s about your expectations of your marriage and your wife, and it’s about what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage.


He has no boundary. He’s willing to stay married when she disrespects him.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Understand, we are not trying to be hard on you, we are trying to help you. I assure you everyone here has your best interest in mind.

It’s not appropriate for a married woman to be having private social relationships with other men. It’s absolutely inappropriate for a married woman to be giving out her personal information to men she meets online or anywhere else.

The fact that you have tolerated it this far, and allowed it to continue without consequences shows her that you are weak and that she can manipulate you and walk all over you. That is extremely unattractive to women and likely lowered her respect for you even further. Women (and probably men) will generally act as badly as you let them, and you have been letting her act badly. Stop.

Start by getting access to her phone and devices. It’s not controlling, she’s your wife and you should already have her passwords and full access (and vice versa). Take a look through her communications and see what you find. She’s already acting inappropriately by giving her information out and communicating with these men, you need to see how far it’s going.
Does she have access to your phone? If not, give it to her when you ask for hers. And when I say ask, it’s not a negotiation. She can choose not to comply, but not without consequences. And she doesn’t get to take time to think about it and she doesn’t get to run off for a while (to delete anything incriminating or problematic) before letting you see it.

Then you need to seriously start thinking about your boundaries and expectations of what you want from your wife and in your marriage. This is for you to figure out without any input from her. Her opinions thoughts and feelings are not relevant to your boundaries and your expectations. Once you have this in order, then you can have a talk with her and lay out your boundaries clearly and unemotionally. and she can either choose to except them or she can choose not to. If she chooses not to, then she is choosing not to continue as your wife.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

It's true. People here can be brutally honest, but they are telling you this stuff for your own good. 

I'm a woman. I play World of Warcraft (an online game with other people in case you don't know). My husband and I play together. We do not give out personal info. We do not talk to other people outside of game/voice com etc. 

We've seen several affairs that started in game. Probably the worst was his cousin's wife. She left him for another player. TWICE. Why he chose to try to be "the cool husband" and tell her she could continue playing when she came back, I will never know. 

Stop falling all over yourself to be understanding. It doesn't work. She is already disrespecting you. Don't wait until she actually cheats/leaves. Stand up for yourself now. 

Having standards and enforcing boundaries is far more attractive than being understanding in this situation. She knows what she is doing is wrong. She will respect you more if you tell her to knock it off. Don't let her manipulate you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> Understand, we are not trying to be hard on you, we are trying to help you. I assure you everyone here has your best interest in mind.
> 
> It’s not appropriate for a married woman to be having private social relationships with other men. It’s absolutely inappropriate for a married woman to be giving out her personal information to men she meets online or anywhere else.
> 
> ...


Totally agree with Dude. What he suggested is a great 1st step. You will get push back from your wife but you must stand firm. The calling you controlling over you fighting to maintain borders on your marriage is complete bull.

You have no idea how many threads we have of waywards from both men and women that started exactly like what your wife is doing.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

One of my best friends is now married to someone he played World of Warcraft with during which time he had a live in girlfriend who suddenly wasn’t living there anymore.

If she’s playing competitively then she will need to have out of game communication in order to plan when to be on, fill in for missing players, and strategize there is no way around it. I love competitive gaming and I’m glad women participate but you should definitely watch it because there are lots of thirsty dudes playing them.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You're a guy, ask yourself, why do men talk to women in the first place? Because of their excellent football analysis? Because they understand what it's like to restore a old Camaro? Their view of the stock market? No, because we want to see them with their clothes off. Period.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> If she’s playing competitively then she will need to have out of game communication in order to plan when to be on, fill in for missing players, and strategize there is no way around it.


They can communicate over voice coms, like Discord, where other people are also communicating. No need to give out social media or private numbers when you can chat in real time with other people around. Technically, it's not "in game" but it's a system that most people use for WoW, because the in game voice thing sucks.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This marriage is more important to you than her.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

JoeFG said:


> As a married woman, is what she is doing wrong because of how it makes me feel or is it just wrong? Am I wrong in thinking that if these guys don't feel weird about talking to a married woman outside the game, it's not because they just want to be friends?


A married woman with many male friends means one thing - she has many replacements for you.

No these guys don't feel weird about talking to a married woman outside the game. They are well on their way to her bed. She gave them personal contact information, they didn't have to ask. They have a pretty good idea where this is likely to lead. These guys don't have to be better than every other guy to have sex with your wife. They just have to be more appealing than you. To some extent they must be otherwise your wife wouldn't be sharing personal contact information.

Your wife does not respect or love you to be indulging in this behavior. Any boundaries you attempt to set will be ineffective as will trying to reason with her. Consequences are another matter. 

Assume and act as if she is already lost to you. You will gain nothing by pleading, begging, or attempting to reason with her. It will diminish your value in her eyes and drive her into the arms of one of these online hopefuls.

Speak with a lawyer and have divorce papers drawn up. 

However you choose to move from here *be prepared and willing to follow through.*

1) if you want to open strongly file for divorce and have her served. Do not entertain any possibility of reconciliation until she has proved she is worthy. Do not halt the process or consider reconciliation until the divorce is almost complete and she has proven worthy. How does she prove worthy. She does everything in her power to prove she is trustworthy to you. She voluntarily stops playing these games and communicating with other men. She needs to figure out where she is going wrong. She needs to demonstrate she wants the marriage more for than just a roof over her head. You decide what criteria is acceptable.

alternatively

2)Leave the divorce papers somewhere your wife can easily discover them on her own. Let her come to you. When she does you tell her that since does not respect you or the marriage and she would prefer to have other men in her life she is now free. All she has to do is sign the divorce papers. Advise her she can stall and lie if she chooses that will merely encourage you to file regardless. Be prepared to follow through if she thinks you are bluffing. The rest is the same as above. She still has to earn the gift of reconciliation.

There are many other ways to deal with this going forward but to be effective your wife must suffer consequences of one variety or another. You must place your interests first and not settle for her or her poor behavior. You must be prepared to move on and leave her behind.

Frankly when a woman loses love, respect and attraction to her husband the marriage is done. Nothing you can do on your own will revive it. She either wants to be with you or she doesn't. It is non-negotiable. Right now it sounds like you are being kept around to pay the bills and keep the food on the table. If you are not your wife's priority then you are an option, a place holder, plan B until something better comes along.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

JoeFG said:


> _I do not. I have not asked for it, though. Are you a guy or girl? I would like the female perspective of this situation, because I think most guys would feel the same way you do, and I know if I was responding rather thank asking I would probably feel the same way, and not sure that is really fair. _


I am a guy -- but that doesn't negate the advice -- and you can see from women who responded, they feel that same.
Sorry but your wife is manipulating you so that she can continue to get her giggles from other men.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Yes, you are being controlling. Of course you are. You have a RIGHT to be controlling, so long as you're married to her. She doesn't want you to see what she's doing. It sounds bad, to me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Female perspective: She’s wrong.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Let's cut to the chase. Your wife is FOS and you know it. If you are not cool with it tell her and see how she reacts. But if you are not going to have any consequences if she blows you off then don't waste your time because then you will show her that you don't mean what you say.

Passive men get cheated on. Period.

I would tell her nicely to cut it out, if she doesn't then I would let her know she is not doing damage to the marriage.

If she wants to have suitors she can do that - Not married.

Here is the thing, some women can't keep hold of faithful men, they just don't have the stuff. They just self destruct.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Some people are fine with their partners maintaining OS friendships, some aren't. The problem arises when someone who _is_ gets into a relationship with someone who _isn't_. It seems like that's what's going on in your marriage, OP. And, honestly, its a point of incompatibility that can be very hard to overcome. 

OP, do you give out your personal information to single women you meet? Do you have female friends you communicate privately with on a social level?

If you do, then you don't really have standing to tell your wife to knock off doing the same thing. But, _if you don't_, then it's perfectly reasonable to have a healthy boundary in your marriage of 'no opposite sex friends'. 

Your wife might not like that boundary or be willing to respect it, but it's _your_ boundary and will be up to you to decide what to do if she keeps stomping all over it. I think you should probably think it through and be really clear on whether you're willing to be in a relationship with someone who maintains opposite sex friendships. If you can live with it, then you'll need to figure out a way to be okay with her friends and her behavior. If you're not okay with it _but still aren't willing to leave over it_, then you'll still need to figure out a way to be okay with her friends and her behavior. Or, you can decide you're not okay with it and figure out what you want to do from there.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Sfort said:


> Yes, you are being controlling. Of course you are. You have a RIGHT to be controlling, so long as you're married to her.


Nobody has the right to be controlling of another.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Trident said:


> Nobody has the right to be controlling of another.


If you consider reasonable boundaries to be controlling, then you are, in fact, an anarchist.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I don't.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is blatant disrespect. You are not being controlling or unreasonable. She is showing you where you rank in importance in her life. You’ve already been cheated on once in the past, do not roll over and passively let her walk all over you. If this is how she acts toward you, she really isn’t worth sticking around and fighting for. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Trident said:


> Nobody has the right to be controlling of another.


No but everyone has the right to control themselves. He sets a boundary, its disregarded by her, he discards her. The art of fighting without fighting.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I was referring to controlling in general not to this situation, in response to something that was posted by someone else.


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