# My Story



## FindingMe123 (May 20, 2012)

Just joined up today and all I'm really looking for is some feedback on my story from people who know what I'm going through...

I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 this year. We have 3 little girls, our youngest is 10 weeks. When I was 4 months pregnant (7 months ago) I was looking through the history on our computer, can't really explain why, lets call it a woman's intuition. There were tons of quote websites with a lot of love quotes, poems, song lyrics, etc. My honest thought at that moment was 'Awww, I wonder what he's putting together for me!' My H had always been my best friend and he had always been amazing at always making me feel loved. Well a couple of weeks later and plenty more love quote crap in our computers history and NO cute little project for me....I really started to wonder. But that's ALL I did...I went into some crazy dream world of denial. Almost like if I didn't acknowledge it, it wasn't real. I mean, how could my loving, amazing husband be cheating on me when I was 5 ish months pregnant?? No way.

Backtracking just a bit, my H had gone on a business trip with his boss one weekend in Chicago and had stayed with my brother. They went out that night, not a big deal, I completely trusted him and he was with my brother! Later I would find out that he had met and slept with my brothers roommate (a short, fat, ugly heffer that supposedly spent every weekend at her brothers house closer to the city) and that their affair had started from there. My H also started working for my brother on the weekends (requiring him to be gone every weekend) to make some extra money for our soon to be baby. In reality, he made a completely different life for himself every weekend....

How I found out....
One Sat he had left for Chicago and had left the laptop behind. He usually took it because he said he needed it for the work he was doing for my brother....so here I go searching the history again because I DO know what's been going on, atleast that he has been sending love poem quote crap to someone else...and I see photos in the history. I click on them and what do I see? He's kissing her in one, has his face in her boobs in another, and yep, there's my brother in both cracking up like its the greatest party ever. You can tell they are all drunk, but to me that makes absolutely no difference. This leads to me finding looong emails, going into detail about their sexual encounters...awesome and to phone records letting me know that he would call her as soon as he got to work and as soon as I went to bed. So, I freak! I call him and tell him not to come home and that I want a divorce. He doesn't come home until the following night, all this time I am completely sick  I have 2 little girls, one on the way , and my H is f-ing some *****...what am I going to do?

Looong story short, I'm 6 months out from D-Day. I gave birth to an amazing little baby girl. Outside from my children I am miserable. I am angry at my H and very rarely have anything nice to say. He seems to be very sorry and has done everything under the sun to help put the pieces back together. As far as I know he hasn't had any further contact with her, I am a super detective now, going through his emails, phone records, pockets, etc. Somedays, I see hope, other days I don't want anything to do with any of it. I am not financially stable. I worked part time and took care of the kids. Being in what I concidered a great marriage, I never worried about it! Now, I am in school, I work full time whether he likes it or not. (he would prefer for me to stay with the kids and continue to be dependent on him...it makes him feel manly... puke) Sometimes it's pretty clear that I am only staying because 1) I can't take care of myself and my children YET and 2) my girls would be devastated. The whole situation is heartbreaking...

I'm just so up and down in what I want to do. And I feel disgusting staying with someone just so I can get my feet on the ground, but aren't I kind of entitled to that?? Why should I be out on my butt when it was him that messed everything up?? I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I feel really alone. Everyone seems to have an opinion but no one understands my heart ache and the fact that it's not just me to think about. I hate defending him at all but he is a great dad and I think its important for little girls to have their dad in their lives. I also really valued my marriage and everything it stood for. Now I'm bitter and would never even concider marriage again. It's not real.

Thanks for listening/reading. It feels good just to get it out.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

Hi FindingMe - It sucks that you're here. Dealing with a cheating spouse is one of the worst experiences many people face. Trust is broken and lives are torn apart. You don't have to be ruined by infidelity, though. You can choose to survive and become better for what you go through. It sounds to me like that's your plan.

Many people on this site and in your circle of friends will tell you that you must file for divorce immediately. Many of your friends and people here will tell you that every cheater is a low-life scumbag. I disagree completely with both of these points of view. Sometimes cheaters are scumbags that deserve to be divorced, but it's not always true.

I don't think that divorce is always the answer. It wasn't the answer for me. I've taken a fair amount of criticism for the details of my story because it took a while for me to investigate and then longer to work through the issues. My marriage is now recovered and better than it was before his affair. Part of the reason I didn't file for divorce was that I didn't get married for things to be easy and I wasn't willing to throw in the towel when it got difficult. That's not to say that divorce was never an option - it's just that I didn't get to the point where I felt comfortable that it was the answer for me. I also still had hope for my marriage and for my husband and I wasn't ready to call it quits until I was certain that it was dead.

My husband made some truly terrible choices. That's a profound understatement. He was selfish and thought only of himself. He made decisions that put all of us in danger. None of this made him a scumbag, though. He hurt me deeply and there were times when I wondered if I could still love him. I never thought of him as the low-life many people say that cheaters are. Don't get me wrong - some cheaters truly are low-life scumbags, but an affair doesn't make that automatic.

In your situation, it sounds like you have a bit to work through and you may not have many resources to help you figure it out. This is a good place to get some insight by reading and posting. Just remember to always keep your own situation at the front of your mind. The people here don't know all the details of your story - only you know everything. Don't take advice from someone just because they have "experience" and you "don't" - you're the one who must live with the results of any decision you make. Not one other soul has to live with the results of the advice they give, so just keep that in mind as you read.

I think you're very smart to work on making sure you can support yourself and your girls if you need to. Even if there's no divorce you never know what else might be around the corner. In these times, being able to support yourself is very important.

You say that your husband is trying to make amends for his actions, but what communication have you had about trying to save your marriage? Have you told him what it will take? Do you even know what it will take? Are you willing to try to save your marriage or do you just need enough time to become stable enough to leave? You need to have answers to these questions for yourself so you can proceed the way that will meet your goals.

Your anger and pain is very normal - everyone goes through that. Don't think you're odd or anything like that. The important thing is how you plan to get over it. It takes time, but it also takes a conscious effort to get over it. You can choose to continue to be torn up over what happened, or you can choose to make decisions that will help you move past it. Sounds to me like you're trying to make decisions to strengthen your life no matter if you divorce or stay married.

The real truth is that you don't have to decide today if you're going to stay married or not. It took me about a year and a half to decide. I'm not sorry it took that long and I know if I'd ended up divorced I wouldn't be sorry it took that long to decide. The wounds don't heal that quickly and making a life changing decision when you're hurting so deeply isn't always the best thing to do. I'm just sayin'...

I hope you'll cut yourself some slack and look at your whole situation objectively when you can. Make your decision when it suites you to make it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What is your brother's part in all of this? Did he set up your husband with this room mate of his?


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## FindingMe123 (May 20, 2012)

My brothers only reply was that he isn't a babysitter and didn't do bedchecks. Stand up guy right? I've haven't spoken to him since. He knew from the beginning, knew it was happening in his house. We were really close. I'm baffled...


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