# Husband flirted with other girls for years



## piamaria (Jul 17, 2013)

I discovered my husband’s online indiscretions by accident. He left his laptop at home one day and I logged onto the facebook account thinking it was mine. I opened one chat window with a friend of his from high school and what I read totally shocked me. The conversation history was for more than a year (from 20-11 to 2012) and the conversation was very flirtatious and sexual in nature. I couldn’t believe it was my husband writing it. My husband who at that time was already a born-again Christian and who recently castigated a married friend of ours for flirting with another girl.
I blew my top and confronted him about it. He came home and tearfully begged for forgiveness. He was crying on his knees. At that time I became suspicious and asked him if there was anything else I needed to know. He was crying and saying there was only this girl, that it was nothing, that it was just a stupid thing he did. 
We worked on it and I got over it in time. I must say he did change and I constantly monitored him and he cut off all contact with the girl. Plus I think I got a sense of relief that this girl was based in another country (in San Francisco) and also married. Although my timing couldn’t have been better as she was set to vacation back here in a months time and they were planning on having a reunion with other friends and meeting up there.
Fast forward to today, one year after that D-Day. For some reason I checked his chat history in Facebook and I noticed that there were archived conversations. When I opened it, a chat history from 2011 with a girl I didn’t know shocked me. Part of their conversation went like this:
Girl:	Hi.
H:	Hello, is that you on your profile pic? Nice!
Girl:	Something like that. How have you been?
H:	Am ok. You?
Girl:	Your ok sounds so exciting like you don’t get an erection no more.
H:	Haha still do, of course
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Girl:	You’ll regret at your deathbed all the time you have wasted on work to make more and more monies and leave out the most important things in life, just going through life without really living it! 
H:	I’ve lived a lot of life already thanks to you of course hehe
Girl:	To think those were not my best years yet!
H:	Hmmmm ☺
Girl:	… do you still taste like pineapple?
H:	I can
Girl:	You did before…
H:	☺
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Girl:	… all you guys just got fresh meat…
H:	fresh meat is good
Girl:	Many say even fresher and yummier now…
H:	hmmm yummy
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H: you’re gonna get me into trouble with comments like that. Sorry I can't have those comments.
Girl:	No worries, I very well know from my past experiences with you.
H:	So no more naughty remarks on my wall? Promise? They may not be taken innocently by some people…
Girl:	Sorry. No worries.
H:	Thanks for understanding. What are you up to this morning?
Girl:	Housework, laundry.
H:	Awww need help?
Girl:	Thanks but I’d rather washmy own stringwears.
H:	I’ll watch while you wash.
Girl:	Or maybe smell them for me if they are clean enough after washing?
H:	I can do that too
Girl:	Let’s catch up over lunch sometime. Your treat of course, but my choice of place.
H:	Sure why not. What’s for lunch? Today?
Girl:	I have a girl Friday who cooks for me. Same old: chicken + fish + veggies.
H: You’re into healthy living. It shows in your profile pic. Pls send me a nice pic iin my email. Send pics please to my yahoo.
Girl:	Lunch with you? Oh not today. Likely million years from today.
H:	Your sked is that full huh?
OMG! I flipped again and saw other deleted conversations with some of his female students (he used to be a grad school professor) that he would initiate and he would say something off-color like how was your honeymoon, etc.
I was so mad that I called him up and demanded to know who this girl was. Turns out, she was the regular stripper that he and his friends would hire for their bachelor parties. But who maintains contact with strippers and get into steamy conversations with them outside of stag parties right? I demanded to know his yahoo mail password and he claimed he didn't know what it was already since he had already shifted to gmail for several years. Then he said that even if he knew he wouldn’t give it to me because everything there was all in the past already and that it would hinder any progress we would make. He swore that he had already changed since last year.
Well, I hacked his yahoo account and discovered a plethora of YM conversations from the SF girl, another high school friend who lives here in Manila, his ex GF in high school who lives here in Michigan and another from the stripper. Moreover I discovered back and forth emails from his ex GF dating back several years.
Conversations with the two high school girlfriends were flirtatious and sometimes very sexual in nature. Examples of his comments would be:
-	I’ve always liked your legs since high school. When we meet, wear the shortest mini-skirt.
-	We like! I refer to us (his penis) as we hehe
-	I’ve always had nurse fantasies (SF girl is a nurse), especially when the uniform is tight and the thong panties can be seen.
-	Send me a nice picture please – if you’re uncomfortable, the safest sexy picture.
-	How do you masturbate? I have lots of female friends who masturbate.
-	Babe, I’m online. Where are you?
-	Hey gorgeous, it’s bed weather today (this was written during a stormy day here in Manila)
-	Hi sexy. What are you wearing? Webcam please
-	It’s my birthday. Do I get more than a kiss?
He would chat with them when he is in the office. Moreover, they are not content with YM, he would ask them to go on webcam too. The stripper sent him emails asking him to detail their past experiences for her “memoirs”.
The emails with the exGF were tamer and more “romantic” in nature. Reading her emails, she was longing for him (she’s married too), regretting letting him go back in high school and expressing “mock” jealousy at me. She would profess that he was her “addiction” – their IMs, the blackberry text messages, etc. and that she was going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. She would even send him pictures of herself. She would schedule trips back home to the Philippines and “demand” that he make time for her. There was one message where she said she would block off one day and one night for him. She said she longed for more face time with him, but just short enough to not get them both in trouble. I didn’t get to read all her replies to him, but the ones I read seemed to me he was feeding his ego and stringing her along. 
I was livid (still am!) and he swore that nothing ever happened with these women, that this was all just words and talk with him. He told me he was partly stroking his ego with the exGF because she dumped him back in high school and it felt good she was chasing him now. He told me he didn’t confess to everything a year ago because he saw how hurt I already was.
We’re both full Christians now and he works in an organization that is very Christian in nature. We’re trying to work it out through prayer time but he’s very reluctant to seek counseling. Moreover, I feel an insatiable need to know things and ask him very specific things. He doesn’t want to answer them claiming that these things are keeping me from moving on. He said he just wants us to focus on moving forward and not look back to the past.
I still have some doubts that he did more (the stripper conversation certainly leaves a lot to the imagination) but he will not entertain any question. To be fair, I’ve really seen a huge change in him for the past year. He has grown more spiritual and more attentive. He deleted his facebook and yahoo accounts and the contact numbers of those girls.
I’m still swinging between extreme love for him when I think about how much he changed for me, to extreme hate over how much he betrayed me. Some days I’m ok then I remember how he spoke with those women, how he wanted them and it just boils over. I can’t get over the fact that he did those things while I was going through a difficult time with a dying father, and while we were both already into the Christian thing and in a couples prayer group. Please help me. I don't know how to trust him again.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

So sorry you are here. What your H did is a horrible betrayal. It's so difficult when we find out that our partners are not as wholesome and trustworthy as we thought. It hurts to think of how much they lied to us. 

Regarding the stripper, you can assume that was physical. How else would he know she taste like pineapple? No more bachelor parties for your H. Ever.

The ex is a bigger problem. That type of emotional connection is hard to break. You should help him write a no contact letter to her and send it. I would also ask him to never respond to her if she tries to contact him. He should immediately tell you, and let you decide if and how to respond.

Get into marriage counseling. You have an easy card to play here. Either he joins you in MC, or you expose him to friends and family. Many will say you should just expose. It's a natural consequence for his emotional affairs. Don't worry about his thoughts on it, but if it's too embarrassing for you, hold off. But don't hold off for no reason. Hold off only if he seems truly sorry for having betrayed your trust. 

Being truly sorry for betraying your trust is different that being sorry he got caught. Not giving you his Yahoo account info, not being willing to get counseling, not being willing to disclose to you anything you want to know about these girls. Those are all things that point to the latter. Ultimately it's your opinion that counts, but don't let it end are sorry for getting caught. That would mean he may repeat, but only be more careful not to get caught.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

This is not flirting its cheating, start by reading here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Also, does the church know he's doing this?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

piamaria said:


> I discovered my husband’s online indiscretions by accident. He left his laptop at home one day and I logged onto the facebook account thinking it was mine. I opened one chat window with a friend of his from high school and what I read totally shocked me. The conversation history was for more than a year (from 20-11 to 2012) and the conversation was very flirtatious and sexual in nature. I couldn’t believe it was my husband writing it. My husband who at that time was already a born-again Christian and who recently castigated a married friend of ours for flirting with another girl.
> I blew my top and confronted him about it. He came home and tearfully begged for forgiveness. He was crying on his knees. At that time I became suspicious and asked him if there was anything else I needed to know. He was crying and saying there was only this girl, that it was nothing, that it was just a stupid thing he did.
> We worked on it and I got over it in time. I must say he did change and I constantly monitored him and he cut off all contact with the girl. Plus I think I got a sense of relief that this girl was based in another country (in San Francisco) and also married. Although my timing couldn’t have been better as she was set to vacation back here in a months time and they were planning on having a reunion with other friends and meeting up there.
> Fast forward to today, one year after that D-Day. For some reason I checked his chat history in Facebook and I noticed that there were archived conversations. When I opened it, a chat history from 2011 with a girl I didn’t know shocked me. Part of their conversation went like this:
> ...


you are being trickle trothed and most likely he has gone underground and deleted everything you know to look for.
I am sorry but as much behavior as he exhibited, and as little as he has been willing to be forward with you about the details lends its self to someone who is sorry they are caught and are being more careful going forward. You are in a very tough spot, and I would remain extremely cautious and suspicious.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your hb is full of sheet and as phony as a three dollar bill. If you stay married to him this will be your life and he will abuse your Christianity to get away with it. You will now spend your life monitoring him and every time you catch him he will cry on his knees and pray until you give in, then he will find better ways to hide it and do it again. Think carefully about whether this is the life you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There are patterns to infidelity. The people on this forum see the patterns every day, so I hope you will listen. Your husband's behavior tells us that:

- He has cheated. 
- He has been cheating for a long time and with many people.
- He has almost definitely cheated physically.
- He is still lying about his cheating.
- He has not stopped; he has taken it underground (i.e., he has found other ways to continue doing this without you finding out, e.g., new e-mail accounts that he only logs in to at work.)
- He is sorry that he got caught as opposed to sorry that he has hurt you.
- He is 'looking to the future and healing' in order to stop you from asking questions and digging for more truth.

You have been rugsweeping this, so you don't know the extent of his lies and infidelity, and you don't know that he has stopped. (I don't believe that he has stopped - I would bet that he has new accounts that he uses from work or some other location.)

He sounds like a serial cheater, which is bad for you. The lies and betrayals are a way of life for people like that. The only thing that shakes them is watching their spouses walk out the door.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What's worse is the hypocrisy, false double life he carries. He's used to it, become an skilled lier.

First step is becoming a semi pro at snooping. Keylogger, phone spyware, VARs, GPS... whatever. Find out whether he really has any intention of stopping, if he doesn't it doesn't make sense dealing with the past.
At the same time talk to a lawyer, find out what potential scenarios you will face if things go south. It doesn't look well.

Sorry you had to come hear, very soon good advice will come.
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Hopefully you have printed all that you have found as proof?


Contact a divorce lawyer to find out your rights. Let H know you did it.

H has a long way to go before you can even begin to reconcile. The ball is in his court.


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## piamaria (Jul 17, 2013)

Thanks for your inputs. We are going for counseling together and he has now been transparent about all his actions, including giving me all his passwords, deleting his Facebook accounts etc. He has been remorseful and tells me he understands and knows that regaining my trust is an uphill battle for the two of us. I'm still wary but I also believe that anyone is capable of redemption too, so hoping and praying that the steps we take will heal and restore our relationship. He told me he was sorry he was reluctant to seek help for us, saying that his pride was too high and he was very humiliated and guilty for everything he did. I still don't trust him 100% but I'm putting my trust in the process and the hope that this will be the best thing that ever happened to us. Many thanks for all your concern, god bless you all.


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## piamaria (Jul 17, 2013)

As to the ex girlfriend yes he has deleted all her contacts. I will ask him to write a NC letter. He has already been turning down invitations from his friends (who were mostly enablers and encouragers of this behavior). I'll keep everyone posted on our progress. I believe there is always hope if we're both sincere in working it out.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

piamaria said:


> Thanks for your inputs. We are going for counseling together and he has now been transparent about all his actions, including giving me all his passwords, deleting his Facebook accounts etc. He has been remorseful and tells me he understands and knows that regaining my trust is an uphill battle for the two of us. I'm still wary but I also believe that anyone is capable of redemption too, so hoping and praying that the steps we take will heal and restore our relationship. He told me he was sorry he was reluctant to seek help for us, saying that his pride was too high and he was very humiliated and guilty for everything he did. I still don't trust him 100% but I'm putting my trust in the process and the hope that this will be the best thing that ever happened to us. Many thanks for all your concern, god bless you all.


So you're basically giving him a third chance? I really hope you don't rug sweep this time.

If you haven't already read this,http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

if you have read it again. You need to acknowledge it's cheating and not flirting. If you don't confront the problems head on or you will be hurt again. He also needs to prove to you he's worth another chance. He should be grateful you are giving him this opportunity.

Good luck.


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## piamaria (Jul 17, 2013)

Yes I read it, and I did fling it to his face when I discovered that he cheated on me. To be fair to him, I did see a lot of changes (and I watched him carefully) the past year. I'm working very hard to bring that trust back and he promised to do his part too. It's a daily struggle but hopefully we'll have the grace to restore and heal in time. Thank you for your advice. God bless you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

piamaria said:


> As to the ex girlfriend yes he has deleted all her contacts. I will ask him to write a NC letter. He has already been turning down invitations from his friends (who were mostly enablers and encouragers of this behavior). I'll keep everyone posted on our progress. I believe there is always hope if we're both sincere in working it out.


You have a stout heart for keeping him around and I know you will do what's best.

But let me make this suggestion.

Your husband is an addict. His addiction is with sex. Simple marriage counseling will not help this at all and you still have a sex addict on your hands. He needs serious, professional help and on-going accountability for the rest of his life in all likelihood. Please see that he gets this. He needs a full blown psychiatrist and much therapy.

Best wishes for you both.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

the title of this thread leads me to believe you knew of his inappropriateness from the get-go. 

why marry this guy having known this?


<<<<<PALM TO FACE>>>>>


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## piamaria (Jul 17, 2013)

First of all, we have been together for the past 22 years and have been married for the past 14 years. These indiscretions started i think 4 years ago so how can you declare that I knew of his inappropriateness from the beginning?

I am not making excuses for him, but some explanations I am considering is he got addicted to the attention and the thrill coupled with living in a very highly sexualized society where marital infidelity is glamorized at every turn. I am open to healing and restoration, given the rightful changes and remorse from him of course. I am coming from a Christian perspective that my supernatural God is able to change and redeem even the worst offender so long as that person is willing to change. 

Be that as it may, I joined this forum as a way to sort out my very human emotions and feelings of disappointment over my very human spouse. Truly forgiveness is divine and I admit there are moments when I just want to be uncharitable, un-Christian but after contemplation thankfully it slides away and I can think a bit clearly. I am so thankful for so many helpful insights in this forum and am gratified to know that I am not alone in feeling these feelings. Although I am also deeply saddened at the sheer number of pained members this site has. So thank you for your input but save your judgement for when you know all the facts.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

piamaria said:


> Although I am also deeply saddened at the sheer number of pained members this site has. So thank you for your input but save your judgement for when you know all the facts.


Unfortunately, you don't know all the facts either. I don't think you know the degree to which your husband has betrayed you. You don't know all the ways he has betrayed you and I suspect there's a part of you that doesn't want to know exactly what he did with and said to these other women. 

I am not a betrayed spouse or a cheater. So before you think of me as someone who is bitter and judgmental, read what I've written here. 

I don't know if simple counseling and prayer will help your husband. He may put on a good act to fool you and your kind heart. Faith is no shield against an affair. A lot of church going Christians cheat. And your faith won't give you some magic roadmap to healing from infidelity. I suggest you check out a site like Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice. Normally it's not a place I would recommend because they can be religious, but if you're really looking for a Christian program to follow, Dr. Harley (creator of the site) has a good program. His book, Surviving Infidelity, might be useful to you too.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

piamaria said:


> I discovered my husband’s online indiscretions by accident. He left his laptop at home one day and I logged onto the facebook account thinking it was mine. I opened one chat window with a friend of his from high school and what I read totally shocked me. The conversation history was for more than a year (from 20-11 to 2012) and the conversation was very flirtatious and sexual in nature. I couldn’t believe it was my husband writing it. My husband who at that time was already a born-again Christian and who recently castigated a married friend of ours for flirting with another girl.
> I blew my top and confronted him about it. He came home and tearfully begged for forgiveness. He was crying on his knees. At that time I became suspicious and asked him if there was anything else I needed to know. He was crying and saying there was only this girl, that it was nothing, that it was just a stupid thing he did.
> We worked on it and I got over it in time. I must say he did change and I constantly monitored him and he cut off all contact with the girl. Plus I think I got a sense of relief that this girl was based in another country (in San Francisco) and also married. Although my timing couldn’t have been better as she was set to vacation back here in a months time and they were planning on having a reunion with other friends and meeting up there.
> Fast forward to today, one year after that D-Day. For some reason I checked his chat history in Facebook and I noticed that there were archived conversations. When I opened it, a chat history from 2011 with a girl I didn’t know shocked me. Part of their conversation went like this:
> ...



It pains me to read all that you have discovered. 

I too was shocked when I randomly picked up my H phone in May 2011 and read an inappropriate e-mail to a colleague. (I never looked at his phone or e-mails prior to this day) After a silly discussion in work with my female colleagues earlier that day where I was actually laughed at and told I was naive to believe any man wouldn't take an offer handed on a plate. I defended my H strongly.....and considered my colleagues were simply bitter.

Anyhow, I read an inappropriate message and felt physically sick! It wasn't even that bad, but it shocked me. I never believed this was my h style......I would have bet my life on it. (think this is why I'm struggling so much now, it appeared so out of his character)

So I became suspicious and started to snoop.....it took me almost 4 months until i found actual evidence on his laptop e-mail....(an archive he didn't know was still on the laptop) he'd met some tramp colleague after work when she'd offered him a no strings attached BJ. I still find it difficult to accept there are actually women out there that have such low self worth they would offer themselves willingly....especially to a married man. He didn't fully go through with it, for what ever reason....but he had been willing to try.

He promised me at this point there was nothing else, he became transparent, gave me complete access to phone and e-mail (which i always already had to be fair, but had never looked at) but i also in the snooping process came across loads of other junk which was also very inappropriate in my opinion. Flirty work related e-mail messages....blokey messages between male colleagues and himself regarding female colleagues..naked photograph emails taken off the web and sent around.....nothing personal and I never found any personal emails to or from women (except that offer of a NSABJ).....just general flirty stuff. But it shocked me as I say, I never so much as saw my H look at another woman in all our 20 years.

He's always conducted himself as the perfect family man, the perfect attentive H.

I still had doubts a year later as I'd suspected something might have happened at a works conference early 2011....but he kept on insisting i had it all, nothing hidden, he promised me.....until I said a poly would put my mind at rest and allow me to move on.

A week later he spilled with 2 more incidents.....one back in 2005 and one early 2011.

It is the hardest thing in the world to reconcile the two different people my H seemed to be....the loving family man....but in work, almost like he was a different man. It would appear they 'forget' about us on some level.....don't think about the consequences of their selfish actions.

I have complete access now to phone, e-mail, face book etc..and I keep my eyes open and he knows if he so much as makes me even consider something is inappropriate we will be over.

I know my H is devastated and disgusted at his actions, regretful, remorseful etc....but unfortunately he has broken a piece of me that I don't believe can ever be fully fixed.....the smashed vase glued back together is what I feel like. We do have a better marriage in many ways, but at what cost?!

Why don't you offer your H a polygraph...watch his reaction closely. tell him it will allow you to move on trusting he has confessed everything which will give you both a fresh start......nobody can move forward in true R if there are skeletons in the closet. Surely this is important to you both.....complete honesty in your relationship from this day forward.

I hope you find peace.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I guess what everyone is trying to tell you is that while its good you want to forgive him, it's a long process to reconciliation. He needs not do most of the leg work as this was his fault. It includes cutting ties with any toxic friends not just temporary. It means exposure to his family yours and I would think the church. This will make him take responsibility and know that there are consequences to his actions. Otherwise, it will be tempting to do it again. The heart break you have may take years to heal, even with him committing fully to reconciliation. You will have triggers, you will be feeling different one day to another. It will take time to build trust and hard work. You also have to be willing to lose marriage to save one. 

I am glad you have such faith and strength, I think it will be a great and important tool for your reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

britteep said:


> It's so difficult when we find out that our partners are not as wholesome and trustworthy as we thought. It hurts to think of how much they lied to us


Clever spambot? Copies part of an earlier post and includes a jpg?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

A very practical, marriage building step you guy can take is merging social network profiles.

Friend, I'm not going to dismiss your religious beliefs, I believe also in redemption even from an atheist perspective but you need to understand the addictive/compulsive nature of this beast.
Christian alcoholics (any kind of addict, whether sustance of behavior compulsions) don't recover by prayers but with the help of professionals, taking the steps to detox and getting the - already proven - tools to stay sober forever.
There's nothing in your marriage which can lead someone to pretend to be a person while having a different hidden persona which represent exactly the opposite, it's all on him. Not the marriage, not you, not the global warming, it's all on him.
I'm happyly reconciled with my wife BTW.
Wish you well.


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