# What is his deal?



## sniperwifey (Apr 30, 2017)

We have been separated 2.5-3 months now, living in different states. He shows no interest in reconciliation. But, there are weird "signals"

HE sounds confused. First off, he said he didn't want the divorce. He said it was needed. Then he said he wanted a divorce because he wanted me to change (even though he could use some change, he is the one with combat PTSD.) Then he came to visit our daughter a month after separating and big mistake - he stayed at our place and we did everything together, even slept together, and were intimate, as if we were married. Then he came to visit 2 months after separation, and he had very strict boundaries. The plan was, he would have our daughter his entire stay (1 week) and he had an air b n b. HE invited me out to dinner with them the first night. Nothing happened between us, boundaries were in place. Then they did their thing for the next few days. Then the last 3 days, he spent his time at my house. And we all played and ate together, but he never stayed overnight. HE also hung out with my dad, which I thought was peculiar. 

I send him photos now & then, and yes, I am in some photos. Sometimes my daughter requests I send certain photos, and I see no harm in it. Lately, he has been replying "beautiful! " (I am in the photos w/daughter that he says beautiful to) And I also went ahead and got a job, and he told me congratulations, and he was curious where I was working. He never ever questions, (military thing) so I thought it was odd that he questioned me. He was interested. 

He plans on visiting in June, and my grandmother, who i foreign, is also coming in June. I let him know so perhaps he could avoid those days. But, oddly, he insisted he wanted to meet her (he has never met her before.) And i just thought it was really odd. I can't wrap my head around his feelings? I felt awful, but I had to inform him that he doesn't necessarily have that right to meet her anymore - he is the one who wants a divorce. I'm a very nice person, so that really sucked. I would love him to meet my grandma, but that is just awkward. 

Any insight anyone? I try not to read too into things. I'm doing a great job at moving forward, but I won't deny that I hope he comes to his senses. It is not abnormal for someone who suffers from severe combat ptsd to go through abandonment. I know some will say, its not right. I'm not wondering about whats right. I just want some opinions here, they're appreciated.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

How long have you been married? How old are you both? Is your husband still active military? How long was he deployed, and how long has he been back?

Some more back story on your relationship might help as well. What specifically did he think you needed to change? Any infidelity on either of your parts?


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## sniperwifey (Apr 30, 2017)

Tex X said:


> How long have you been married? How old are you both? Is your husband still active military? How long was he deployed, and how long has he been back
> 
> Some more back story on your relationship might help as well. What specifically did he think you needed to change? Any infidelity on either of your parts?


He has been discharged for 5 years now. He is not active, he is a veteran. He has deployed 5x. 

None on mine. I just withdrew, and he was upset that we weren't connecting, more-so lack of sex. There was no logic on his end. He was unfaithful to me, about 4 years ago. Never owned it, always deflected blame. I was a great wife, just insecure due to his lack of acknowledgment of his mistakes. And he also demanded divorce with every argument we had. I had to separate myself & our daughter from his anger SEVERAL occasions, days-weeks-months at a time. And the reason we were not connecting was because he would threaten divorce any chance he had. And that added to my anxiety. We did try couples counseling, but because of the constant divorce threats, we were inconsistent.

He also became quite self-centered. It was almost like a mid-life crisis, but all veterans face that when they're thrown to civilian life. He was able to land a well paying job, state-side. But that wasn't enough for him. He wanted more, he wanted to be at the top, just like he was in the Marines. He began a non-profit, and then another business, and then he got involved into another business. So 3 total, on top of a 9-5.

I have no idea what he wanted from me. I honestly tried my very best. He had bad anger issues (Marines teach ya that, no?), and I tried my best to understand. I could not handle the up & down divorce, I love you crap, because when he wanted a divorce, he would be in my face, and said some really intense things. I try to sympathize with PTSD, but there was absolutely no sympathy for me dealing with HIS ptsd. He wanted more sex - he would NOT shut up about that. And I wanted it too, but I couldn't in the midst of a constant divorce battle! 

He also slept next to me every single night up until I left. Yes, I thought it was odd. Yes, I wanted to be with him. But, he said he was filing soon, and papers were coming. They never came.

Its been 3 months since our separation, and he hasn't filed yet. He has showed me some half-ass divorce agreements to look over. But that was a month ago and he hasn't asked about them, he hasn't asked about anything. He's actually non-existent unless I reach out to him. HE does respond to photos, and says me & our daughter are beautiful. He did wish me a happy mothers day.

What is this? Is he going to see if the grass is greener?

He's become a maniac since we left. And by maniac, I mean, he won't relax, he can't be okay. He joined another MMA gym, on top of his current gym, he does boxing on top of those 2, he works like crazy… he doesn't go to bed until later now. 

Sometimes I really believe that he couldn't stand being a father. HE couldn't handle the stress of being a dad. HE enjoys his space now.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Why you're allowing yourself to be a fall-back option is beyond me- it sounds like he's keeping you in limbo while you wait on him to throw more crumbs your way.

I'm sorry you're in this position, and the longer you do it, the more unattractive you will become to him. I think you're far too concerned about how he feels and what he wants when you need to focus on yourself and what is best for you. Chances are, he is seeing someone else, which is why he did not stay with you this last time and did not make a move to be intimate with you, even though he knew you'd be willing, based on the previous time.

Please do not allow him to fence-sit and keep you as a backup option. This will not help you move forward, either with or without him. How was his previous affair handled? Did he come back to you, hat in hand, begging for forgiveness? His current behavior leads me to believe he did not, nor did he put extraordinary precautions in place to prove to you it could not happen again.

I'd read Surviving an Affair and send him a letter including the checklist given as a requirement for him to prove to you he's worth considering a reconciliation. Until he does every item on the checklist to ensure that he can be the husband you deserve, I'd go dark on him. No contact. You need to begin healing and every time you see him or talk to him, you start over. Set up an intermediary to field his communication on your behalf. He gets no access to you until he can prove every item on the list. Communication only gets passed to you when it involves your child or finances.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

You said that you "were doing a great job at moving forward. That is awesome - keep doing that. You need to focus on yourself and your daughter right now. I'd set some strong boundaries and leave him alone for now. If he comes around and decides he wants to reconcile, then that will be up to you if that is what you want. You're in the driver's seat right now - not him. Remember that.

And PTSD can be pretty serious. Is he in therapy/counseling?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Maybe he or both of you need time to cool off. A couple of months isn't much time to decide whether or not you want to change your mind and try to reconcile. Have you let him know that's what you want to do?


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## sniperwifey (Apr 30, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> Maybe he or both of you need time to cool off. A couple of months isn't much time to decide whether or not you want to change your mind and try to reconcile. Have you let him know that's what you want to do?


He has mentioned a "fresh start" in the "future" which I don't really care for.

I have let him know I am open to it, but I will not beg nor wait, and I'm moving forward regardless.


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## sniperwifey (Apr 30, 2017)

Tex X said:


> You said that you "were doing a great job at moving forward. That is awesome - keep doing that. You need to focus on yourself and your daughter right now. I'd set some strong boundaries and leave him alone for now. If he comes around and decides he wants to reconcile, then that will be up to you if that is what you want. You're in the driver's seat right now - not him. Remember that.
> 
> And PTSD can be pretty serious. Is he in therapy/counseling?


He was in weekly counseling, which was helping. But that turned into 2x a month, if that. He is self-medicating with Marijuana. I support the marijuana as long as it helps, and it does.


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