# Dos and Donts, I also filed today



## G4P (Jul 3, 2015)

On the advice of those here and some soul searching, I decided to file for divorce. I explained to my wife that the process can be shut down as it will take time. In this time, she has the opportunity to make things better. 

She didn't take it very well. She cried. She says she still loves me and wants to be with me. However, I can't be with someone who will not be intimate with me. She promised to go to counseling but there has yet to be an appointment made. Let's see how that goes.

Now, I don't know what to do or not do when it comes to intimacy. I'm sure she'll ask to go on a date, for dinner, a movie or try to fix a time where we can do something together. This is all great, but unless it leads to intimacy, I don't see it as real progress.

I don't think that just having sex will fix things. I think counseling will help her figure out what she's got going on and what she needs to do, I hope. If it ends, well then it ends. It sucks since I'm still very much in love with her. The idea that she's not the person I married anymore is a shock still.

So, if she initiates sex, do I go for it? I'm not sure what to do at this point. I did insist she get blood work done including a test for all sexually transmitted diseases, just because you never know. I wasn't sure how she would take that but she didn't seem to mind. 

Her social media and phone/email are all clear of any possible proof that she's having an affair. We have no kids. I'm a bit lost right now.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

This is so sad.

Whether she stays with you or not, she needs desperately to address her intimacy issues.
Unless she wants to go the rest of her life alone, or just find a guy that wants to be a buddy (good luck with that, although I suppose they're out there), then
she needs to connect with her intimacy. We all have that to some degree or other.

She might as well start you you since you are her husband. Maybe this will be a wake up call.

As to your question; 'should you go forward if she wants to be intimate'?
Depends. If she is earnest and really wants to try and not just force herself to avoid divorce and put a temporary band aid, then yes.
Otherwise, no. You will have to read her motivations.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What do you want, goal wise. Do you hope to fix this marriage? Do you hope to divorce? 

Unfortunately there are no guarantees in life so if you want to fix this marriage I suggest you continue following through with the paper work as you also respond affectionately to your wife's attempts to reconnect. You will know if you're getting honesty from her.

I will say this, when my H and I were first trying to reconnect our "date nights" we're pretty painful in just how disconnected we were. It took quite some time before we started to glimpse that old spark. I would say he was only half trying for a long time, seeking the least amount of effort and change he could get away with and still reconnect. 

I kept my responses honest and do my best to keep resentment at bay. This thing is, if you want to give this marriage another shot, you have to balance an authentic response with enough encouragement so that your spouse feels they are getting somewhere. Know what I mean? You can't put up a wall and insist they traverse it on their own, you have to throw them the proverbial bone of encouragement.

But at the same time, keep your expectations clear. 

It's a tricky tight rope walk.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ultimately "something" has to change. I have read accounts of one person having very low demand due to hormone problems or a reaction to birth control that eventually gets remedied and their libido goes from nothing to sky rocketing. Even when this happens there is still a struggle as then the other partner with a healthy libido has become sexually withdrawn and likely emotionally shut down after years of neglect. In those cases there is a great deal of hope and opportunity for healing. So convince her to go to a doctor and make sure she does not have an underlying health problem if you have not already.

Then there are other instances where one partner concedes to trying to make themselves more available for sexual intimacy even though there is a lack of drive or desire. This is a more common and tougher road to go down, but it does offer an opportunity to reconnect and eventually rekindle the sexual spark in both partners. 

Imagine watching one of those survival shows were someone is trying to get a fire going under unfavorable conditions. It requires a great deal of patience, effort, persistence, and hope. You can also have idiots with matches and readymade kindling that can never seem to get a fire going even under ideal conditions, and in those cases it is because society has taught them that anything less than instant gratification is just not worth the effort and then they struggle in the most basic of survival situations. 

If you happen find a spark, nurture it, keep at it, and have a place in your relationship ready to accept if it finally starts to glow. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Stick with one thread please


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Stick with one thread please


:iagree:

Very hard to follow multiple threads.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

I'm not one to jump to divorce, but I do have a crying husband telling me that he doesn't want to separate but at the same time doesn't want to understand that the marriage won't work where there is 0 intimacy, passion and connection. His most recent reasoning was that he was never attracted to me. Ouch. I have been seeking advice on TAM and outside of TAM. Most called BS on his reason, porn is what he is in to assuming that he actually does love me, and I'm not so sure how much longer I can sit around to find a way to salvage this marriage. 

I'm starting to realize that people who have LD with their spouse, rather it is affair or porn related, doesn't really see the importance of passion or intimacy in a marriage. Assuming that your spouse really loves you, she would understand the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time you address the issue. Efforts need to be made and reminded, and should be on their own. But for selfish individuals? They might make some small efforts the 1st or 2nd time. 3rd time around they might just find another reason to get your hands off of them.

I hope it works out for you in the end. It would be nice to see some success stories.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

G4P said:


> On the advice of those here and some soul searching, I decided to file for divorce. I explained to my wife that the process can be shut down as it will take time. In this time, she has the opportunity to make things better.
> 
> She didn't take it very well. She cried. She says she still loves me and wants to be with me. However, I can't be with someone who will not be intimate with me. She promised to go to counseling but there has yet to be an appointment made. Let's see how that goes.
> 
> ...


I read your other thread to catch up, and here's my 2 cents:

Currently, your wife is upset at the thought of divorce because it's you who brought it up, threatened, and have now filed - not her.

I promise you, given what you said in your other post, that it would have been her who broached the subject and filed first had you not. Maybe it would have taken a few more months, or even years, but it would have been her.

She's upset now because she's the one being rejected, and/or she hadn't quite psyched herself up yet. But make no mistake, it was coming. Be glad you got to that point first.

It's an annoying part of human nature - the necessity for many to be in control of the situation, to be the one making decisions, yet requiring the courage to do so. When you have a job that's not quite working out, we all want to quit before we're fired. But psyching ones self up to quit usually takes time. You have to be prepared and hopefully have another job lined up first, or at least a prospect.

So if you're in a job that you're looking to get out of within the next year, you still need that job in the meantime. The second something else comes up, you give your 2 weeks notice, and you're out of there. The current jobs only importance to you is a pay cheque and somewhere to go during the day. If you get fired from this job - that you do not even want - the odds are good that you're not going to be happy about it. It's human nature.

Relationships are very similar. You know you won't retire at that company, but you ride it out until you either can't take it anymore, or something better comes along. Not too many people outright quit a job to become unemployed and sit around until something else comes up. Instead, you ride it out, mail it in for a while, and either wait until you get a better offer, or take the initiative and go on the hunt while you're still employed.

Your wife is/was doing one or the other. I'd guess that she became complacent and wasn't actively searching, but maybe she was waiting for the right opportunity. It's also entirely possible that she had her "resume" out there already, but nothing good had come up yet.

My first marriage was like this. My ex wife had started to mail it in over the years, but didn't quite have her resume out there, either. Eventually an offer came her way, and she took it.

But make no mistake - had I been the one to bring up divorce before she did, she'd likely have been hurt and rejected and unprepared. It wouldn't have been on HER timetable. One of life's great ironies. You WANT out, you plan ahead, but if it doesn't go according to your plan, you take it personally.

If I were you, I'd cut bait. A lot of these scenarios end up being the same. She'll put forth varying degrees of effort to "save" the marriage, yet things will likely end up the same in a matter of years, or less. The reality is that something like filing for divorce shouldn't be a wake-up call for anybody, imo. She's had several years of you communicating to her what's important to you, to the marriage, etc. and she hasn't budged.

If you were important to her - as a husband, partner, lover - she would have made an effort. The motivating factor should never be divorce in order for somebody to make an effort.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

All you can do is have a very clear conversation with her of what you need to see before you'll be able to believe things have a shot. It's up to her to convince YOU that she's legit.

I can't make that list for you, but for me--sex wouldn't necessarily be on the list. I'd want acknowledgment of my feelings to show she understands my position and WHY, and I'd want HER plan on how she intends to address things, including a timeframe and benchmarks. 

Sex can be thrown at you (and probably will be) out of desperation. What you want is a wife who wants to have sex with you for it's own sake, not out of fear of being left.

If you ultimately plan to try to save the marriage--please put as much time as she does into examining your own part in things. This isn't something you necessarily have to broadcast to her, but improving yourself and being a better man on your own might make it easier for her to work a little harder.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

vertenaotne said:


> I have read accounts of one person having very low demand due to hormone problems or a reaction to birth control that eventually gets remedied and their libido goes from nothing to sky rocketing.


This. My wife was on Yaz and literally the entire time she was on it, she was low-drive and emotionless. It took about six months before her emotions came back once off of it. It's been almost three years and she is MUCH better. She's not 100% of what she was before Yaz but still so much better than while being on Yaz. OP, if your wife is on hormonal birth control, that could be the culprit.


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