# Is there any coming back from this?



## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

This is my first post, please have patience with me...

I've been browsing TAM for 3 months. I've been meaning to post something, just to reach out to someone...anyone. I get discouraged and change my mind because my story is long and complicated and hard for me to articulate. I don't know where to start. 

I'm 40 yrs. old, been married for 23 years with him for 25. (YES we were insanely young when we got married) Have two kids. One married and out of the house, the other a senior in high school.

I found out Oct. 15th after getting weird vibes and doing some investigating that my husband has/was cheating on me with various random hookups. Almost exclusively other men. Except the massage parlors, those were probably women. To my knowledge this had been going on (on and off) for 6 or 7 years. During that time he was working out of town. He spent 2 or 3 nights a week 2 hours away, to avoid the daily commute. 

Years ago I had found out he was looking for hookups when I found in his computer history craigslist ads for casual encounters and he had also posted ads. At the time I confronted, and he swore nothing had happened, it was just curiosity, etc. etc. He went to counseling and swore he was over it. I had considered leaving him at the time, but he had convinced me that there was nothing to it. I lost the weird feelings and chalked it up to nothing more than boredom and curiosity. He had so many hours of being alone. Add that to his VERY high (hyper) sex drive, and my medium-low sex drive, and there you have it.

What I found out in October (2013) absolutely blew my world up. Many random hookups with different men. One was an escort TS. Evidence of massage parlors and bath houses. Craigslist ads, backpage ads, dating site profiles, a REVIEW/RATING for the pro TS (on the internet).

So I here I am, we are 2 1/2 months into a reconciliation, that on the face seems like it's going well, but it feels so fake. He swears he loves me, is so sorry, doesn't want to lose me, wants to plan our future together, swears he'll do whatever it takes to convince me I'm all he wants and to earn my trust back.

We are in MC. I think I need IC. I play happy housewife, but I'm a mess. This is all I think about most of the time. I have little movies playing in my head. He was wrong on so many levels, but I think I'm the one that is really effed up since I'm still with him.

Is there any coming back from this?
Sorry this is so long, I tried to summarize as best I could; I've left out A LOT of details. I just need someone to convince me I'm not crazy crazy crazy.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

You're only crazy if you tolerate this.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

Last evidence of anything happening was summer 2012. And you're right if he is/does continue on with that behavior and I stay, then, yeah it would be crazy. But there is history here. There is time. There is the love of my life, and family, and security, my home, my best friend.

I always thought if I found he cheated it would be so easy to leave. GOD was I wrong...sooooo wrong!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get tested for stds and hiv. It seems unlikely he will be able to stop this behaviour. Get him to sign a post nuptial agreement. Get legal advice on this. Get him to tsake a polygraph. So sorry you are here but glad you found us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Your husband's sexual adventures are pretty extreme. And yet, you said you left out a lot of details, so it's even worse than what you've described.

His problems go far beyond simply being a very high sex-drive guy and you being medium drive.

Most wouldn't be able to come back from this. If you decide you've had it, and you're done with the marriage, nobody will think you're crazy. If you decide to stay with him, then more than a few will question your sanity.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

Thank you MattMatt,
I was tested. And all came back fine. I also made him get tested, his was fine too. He claims he used protection.

I worry about his inability to stop too. So did our first MC. She was calling it an addiction. Our current MC says he disagrees with that label.

I had thought about the polygraph. Not sure if there is any point. He's admitted to everything now and is showing a lot of remorse.

I've thought about the postnup too. Actually I'm considering it very seriously, but don't have a clue what it should include.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

Cubby said:


> Most wouldn't be able to come back from this. If you decide you've had it, and you're done with the marriage, nobody will think you're crazy. If you decide to stay with him, then more than a few will question your sanity.


I question my sanity. But I think it's insecurity that keeps me here. And his (seemingly) sincere attempt to make it up to me.

The details I've left out are just how I've found out, time frames, the background of our long relationship.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I dont understand why you want to stay with a gay man ?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is he getting weekly, long-term therapy? If he's not willing to do that, it will just happen again. He's playing good now because you blew it all up and he's scrambling to keep you. That only lasts for a while. He needs professional help to deal with this, not just wanting men while being married, but the ability to do it for such a long time - in essence, having a double life.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

ManiacalMama said:


> Last evidence of anything happening was summer 2012. And you're right if he is/does continue on with that behavior and I stay, then, yeah it would be crazy. But there is history here. There is time. There is the love of my life, and family, and security, my home, my best friend.
> 
> I always thought if I found he cheated it would be so easy to leave. GOD was I wrong...sooooo wrong!


You say that was the last evidence... but how do you know he hasn't taken it underground? Why would he not continue the behavior... He did last time. And you are right there is time and history there... during which he was highly unfaithful. For me that would negate the memories and make them nothing more than a sham. 

I get love, security, etc. but he pretty literally crapped all over all of the promises he ever made to you. I don't know how you could ever trust him again. 

Is he planning to quit his job? I don't know how you could ever reconcile with this situation -- obviously he has sexuality issues that he needs to deal with. What if he finds out in all of this counseling that he is gay?


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

If I thought he was 100% gay, I wouldn't. He isn't. He says he's Bi. I believe him. I don't think a gay man could do the things he does with me. I think a gay man would be disgusted by that.

Let me clear something up. I love this man. I wish I didn't, it would make this easier. I've poured everything I am into this marriage and this life and our family. I've been a stay at home mom since my first was born (other than a couple of part time jobs). It's hard to just walk away from that. And then have to explain to our girls WHY?

I'm past the initial compulsive thoughts of "get out"... I've moved on to self preservation. Securing my future, whatever that may be. I'm enrolled in school (accounting) so that I have a way to support myself if I need to. As it is now, I have no marketable skills, no way to make it on my own.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

turnera said:


> Is he getting weekly, long-term therapy? If he's not willing to do that, it will just happen again. He's playing good now because you blew it all up and he's scrambling to keep you. That only lasts for a while. He needs professional help to deal with this, not just wanting men while being married, but the ability to do it for such a long time - in essence, having a double life.


He went to an IC and it got turned into MC where we both go. I agree IC for him is called for, but last time he went, he just lied to her. With me there, he can't withhold from the therapist when I'm sitting right there.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

Pepper123 said:


> You say that was the last evidence... but how do you know he hasn't taken it underground? Why would he not continue the behavior... He did last time. And you are right there is time and history there... during which he was highly unfaithful. For me that would negate the memories and make them nothing more than a sham.
> 
> I get love, security, etc. but he pretty literally crapped all over all of the promises he ever made to you. I don't know how you could ever trust him again.
> 
> Is he planning to quit his job? I don't know how you could ever reconcile with this situation -- obviously he has sexuality issues that he needs to deal with. What if he finds out in all of this counseling that he is gay?


Yup I feel pretty crapped on alright. And I don't know how I could ever trust him either. And I've told him I don't know if I ever can.

He has quit that job. He is now home every night. We spend a lot of time together. He doesn't make plans without me.

If he does find out he's gay...then I guess that's it. Gay is gay. I'll be forced to move on.

Can gay men be sexually attracted to women? My research tells me no. But I don't know.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

ManiacalMama said:


> Can gay men be sexually attracted to women? My research tells me no. But I don't know.


As you said in your opening post, he has a hyper sex drive, and I suppose he's one of those guys who doesn't care where he sticks it. Sorry for putting it harshly.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

Cubby said:


> As you said in your opening post, he has a hyper sex drive, and I suppose he's one of those guys who doesn't care where he sticks it. Sorry for putting it harshly.


Not anything I haven't already thought myself.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

me I ask? do you honestly think he loves you? remember that there are more than one kind of love?

I know it sound stupid but my question is directed because I honestly think that men can not be bisexual (unlike women (I know that maybe I will be bashed for this comment)).

see for example, it looks like he only looked for sexual encounters with men, so in a twisted way (*and I say twisted*)you can say that he never put another woman over you, is just that you can not provide what his desires need to be satisfied (a man tool)

so maybe he loves you and if it were about his his number one woman is you and maybe he does not feel desire to cheat on you with other woman but if in the end you can not provide what he craves for then he will do it again.

maybe you really have to sit him and ask him to be totally honest with you without being judgamental, you were too Young when you got together, maybe his sexuality was not fully developed.

both of you are Young and can rebuild your lives with a life partner who fits your sexual preferences better, but is necessary to find the true now and not another 15 years later finding more secrets hook ups with men.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

manticore said:


> me I ask? do you honestly think he loves you? remember that there are more than one kind of love?
> 
> I know it sound stupid but my question is directed because I honestly think that men can not be bisexual (unlike women (I know that maybe I will be bashed for this comment)).
> 
> ...


I do think he loves me. I think he loves me more than anyone he could ever love, apparently it just isn't enough for our marriage.

You are right about getting married so young. I was his first, so I guess it isn't a surprise that he wanted to experiment.

When I first found out about all this I was shocked. But there were signs that this was something he might be into. I'm trying to set aside the fact that he cheated with men. (And a very beautiful transexual) He cheated. Period. I think the fact that it was with men has to do with opportunity/availability/accessibility/willingness. He claims there was no emotional connections. Just hookups.

If I disregard the GENDER part of the equation, I don't know if it makes any more sense to me. I am supposed to be the one. THE ONE.

For the time being we are in R. I'm only able to look ahead a few days...a few weeks at a time. For now I'm working on me. Education. Health. Fitness. It's my mental health that is suffering right now. I went a couple weeks during the holidays without anxiety and panic attacks. I find those are coming back. 

We have an MC appt. tomorrow, it seems stupid, because we just go in there and say the same things we've already said to each other when we are alone.

How do you gauge the sincerity? How do you know if it's real?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Sorry Cubby and MM but there's little correlation between a man with a high sex drive and wanting to get it on with other men just to have a place to stick it.. Most men, notwithstanding the politically correct philosophy, are more discriminating. I'm with Phil on this one.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

If it was me, I would run... but it sounds more like you want to give him another shot. I personally would not, but all that aside...

All the normal responses to your situation apply - 

1.) Complete transparency indefinitely
2.) Getting a different job (check)
3.) IC / MC
4.) GPS / VAR / Keylogger

I would probably want some sort of commitment for reconnection - weekly dates, vacations, joint hobby, etc. Become his best friend again - I know he is yours, but not sure on the reverse based on his actions. Something allowed him enough detachment to do all of that. He has an extreme ability to compartmentalize his life... which I think is the scariest part. 

Do I think he probably loves you... probably... Loves comes in all different shapes. What I don't think is he realizes is how much damage he has done, or the level of danger he put you into. You can blame sexual exploration as much as you want... he has done it twice now. He already explored once. That's what would concern me the most...


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

My heart is going out to you after hearing your story. You are not crazy for having a normal reaction to your discovery. ANY wife would have responded by being devastated. 

How did you find out? You don't have to say the details if they are too hurtful to write out, but it would be very telling to know if its something you just stumbled upon or if he came to you with guilt-wracking pain and confessed.

Another question to ask yourself is what would you have done if you had your own money? You say you have no "skills" and are enrolled in classes....that's REALLY GOOD to hear, but would your decisions have been different? I know you love him, but would you have left to get your head together?, or asked him to leave if you could support yourself and child financially?

Speaking of financial support, 20 years of raising children, making a home and building a life are worth something in the eyes of the family court. Have you looked into this? No one is saying that you have to make any decision, but it is perfectly reasonable to separate temporarily while you process this on your own. This is a terrible betrayal, in every sense.

If need be, you can always seek counsel and ask that you be awarded primary custody of your school-age minor child still living in the home for purposes of making sure your second child finishes their education, without the problems your H has brought to the family. You are entitled to child support and probably transitional support for yourself personally after suborning your career for his to raise your and his children. If you are worried about losing your home, DONT. Its the marital home correct? You have more rights than you think you have. I was entitled to all of this after 10 years. You are on year 23? 

BTW, there are MANY MANY gay men who pick one wonderful woman to be their wife. They have families and children and love them dearly, sometimes it is their only love. Its not like he's trying to have a relationship with a guy and leave you. It won't happen. He wants to be married to you and have secret gay sex on the side. Its called being in the closet, I think. Just my first thought, my 2 cents I offer with humility.

I am not sure how you can still be living together without losing your mind. It must be eating you up inside. I'm really sorry your H is unable to be honest with you. Maybe he'll start but its a long shot. 

You need healing time to process this. Are you able to get away? Maybe even for a weekend? I got this advice and it really helped wholebunches to follow it. I am worried you are too involved with his issues and not involved enough in your own. 

You have to go to therapy to make sure he tells the truth? Ummmmm......If he doesn't want to work on his crap, thats not your problem. You need to work on YOU. He needs to work on him. 

Please take care of yourself.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

One last thought, you say gender isn't important. Are you sure you would want to try R if all his betrayals were with ladies?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ManiacalMama said:


> He went to an IC and it got turned into MC where we both go. I agree IC for him is called for, but last time he went, he just lied to her. With me there, he can't withhold from the therapist when I'm sitting right there.


So in other words, he doesn't want to go to MC either, he's just doing it to keep you there, and you can't trust what he says in MC any more than you can what he says in IC. Except for what you can disprove, of course.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ManiacalMama said:


> If I thought he was 100% gay, I wouldn't. He isn't. He says he's Bi. I believe him. I don't think a gay man could do the things he does with me. I think a gay man would be disgusted by that.


It is called "keeping up appearances." So, you found hook ups with other women then right? He's a Bi-sexual cheater, so gender wouldn't matter, it is about the opportunity and sexual gratification. Still if you believe his is Bi, there is another entire issue that you will end up dealing with the rest of your marriage.




> Securing my future, whatever that may be. I'm enrolled in school (accounting) so that I have a way to support myself if I need to. As it is now, I have no marketable skills, no way to make it on my own.


Well, then you'll have to learn how to accept his urges to be with men and realize that it will happen again.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

Pepper123 said:


> If it was me, I would run... but it sounds more like you want to give him another shot. I personally would not, but all that aside...
> 
> All the normal responses to your situation apply -
> 
> ...


You are right about the compartmentalization...he admits he was leading a double life. Also right about him not realizing what this would/could do to me. When I brought up all the diseases (not to mention CANCER) that he could have exposed me to, he melted in his chair, a stark realization. I've resigned myself to std testing every 6 months indefinitely from here on out. 
It's ironic that he harped on me for YEARS to quit smoking. He didn't want me to die from lung cancer...suffer needlessly with COPD. He wanted me to "get healthy so we could spend many many years together." (I've quit smoking BTW)

I don't necessarily BLAME sexual exploration. I BLAME HIM. I just think that is a factor (AMONG MANY)

We are working on the other stuff you mentioned. When he got the new job, we got back to the place we were back before we had kids...long long once upon a time. Like teenagers enjoying each others' company. That's another reason why this is so hurtful.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> My heart is going out to you after hearing your story. You are not crazy for having a normal reaction to your discovery. ANY wife would have responded by being devastated. *Thank you, I need that because I haven't told a soul until now (besides the therapist)*
> 
> How did you find out? You don't have to say the details if they are too hurtful to write out, but it would be very telling to know if its something you just stumbled upon or if he came to you with guilt-wracking pain and confessed.
> 
> ...


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

turnera said:


> So in other words, he doesn't want to go to MC either, he's just doing it to keep you there, and you can't trust what he says in MC any more than you can what he says in IC. Except for what you can disprove, of course.


He suggested the MC in the first place. He arranged it. Yes he does want to go to counseling. 

I'm not sure why he was lying to his previous therapist. It's confidential, why not just tell her what's going on? She ended up putting him on anti anxiety or antidepressants or something, which did NOTHING except turn him into a zombie. He stopped going probably because he was just going in there and not telling her a thing and it was unproductive. 

I think I'm going to mention to our MC that he has a history of lying to his counselor. Maybe he has a way of making him accountable...who knows.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It is called "keeping up appearances." So, you found hook ups with other women then right? He's a Bi-sexual cheater, so gender wouldn't matter, it is about the opportunity and sexual gratification. Still if you believe his is Bi, there is another entire issue that you will end up dealing with the rest of your marriage.
> 
> Well, then you'll have to learn how to accept his urges to be with men and realize that it will happen again.


The first time I found inappropriate stuff was him looking for women. I think he had no luck with that. So her turned to men. Yes I believe sexual gratification is what he was after. We were apart A LOT. With very little sex. Let alone exciting sex.

I know you are right. YET, he swears it won't, he swears I'm what he wants. He swears he won't let it come to that again. And against every thought in my logical mind, damn it I want to believe him.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

He can swear all he wants, if he really is Bi-sexual all the counseling in the world isn't going to end those urges. It'll suppress them and they'll come out in other areas that will continue to damage your marriage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Cheating is cheating in my book. Doesn't matter if the he is going after his same gender or not.

Ultimately, the decision to try R or go for D is yours. Good luck.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> He can swear all he wants, if he really is Bi-sexual all the counseling in the world isn't going to end those urges. It'll suppress them and they'll come out in other areas that will continue to damage your marriage.


So it's hopeless and I should cut my losses?
Does bisexuality always and forever equal sexual promiscuity with anyone and everyone? 
A bisexual person cannot commit to one person?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Has he yet?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

"_Yes, I have looked into it, and it looks like in general I'd be entitled to about 1/3 of his earnings, not sure for how long. My youngest is 17 and a senior in high school, I wouldn't get child support for long for her. *He is about to come into a lot of money soon. I most certainly am NOT going to walk away before that happens. I have to protect myself and my future.* _"

Smart Gal, that is how it have to be 


_"It's not really my rights that I'm worried about, I guess I'm scared about ending my life as I know it. Becoming a single woman, losing my guy that I've put all of my heart into. Not having a partner to lean on. I've got this great life if not for my cheater husband I'm just not in a rush to walk away from it. or him. or us. I don't want the house full of stuff that we've accumulated if there isn't an US to live in it." _



you seem to be really in love with your husband probably you will try to give it a shot even if 1000 users here tell you otherwise, so do it, you can even impose a time limit to see how you feel about it, to see if he can really remain loyal and heal the pain he caused.

you can try until he receives the money you were talking about, but really try to heal the marriage, if in fact when the times comes he had prove himself and you found in your heart place to forgive him and lead a happi and healthy marriage then remain by her side, if not you can walk out with more money and knowing you did everything to try to work out your marriage. 




ManiacalMama said:


> So it's hopeless and I should cut my losses?
> Does bisexuality always and forever equal sexual promiscuity with anyone and everyone?
> A bisexual person cannot commit to one person?


I don't think this is the case.

we have another user, a woman who admited that she had bisexual feelings before since youth, she was depresed and passing through a slump (loss her job, financial problems, her husband had to take a second job so he expend less time and shhe felt everything was her fault) and then her best friend (a female) visited her during this time and make her move on her when she was in this state, she had and affair for about a week.

she now is trying to save her marriage, her husband is trying R with her, and she swears that she will never do it again that even if the feelings for the same sex are there she loves more her husband and famlily, so maybe is possible who knows.

at least you can try with all your heart until the your husband comes with the money and see if the happines that he can bring to your life after his cheating can overcome the pain he inflicted in you


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

manticore said:


> 1000 users here tell you otherwise,


 999, I said he is lying, not to end her marriage. If he is Bi, unlike what you may believe, the urges are always there as evidenced by your example below.


> we have another user, a woman who admited that she had bisexual feelings before since youth, she was depresed and passing through a slump (loss her job, financial problems, her husband had to take a second job so he expend less time and shhe felt everything was her fault) and then her best friend (a female) visited her during this time and make her move on her when she was in this state, she had and affair for about a week.


You are trying to compare her one time action, to a guy who has repeatedly indulged in MULTIPLE gay encounters.This is a flawed example:

1) She had a SINGLE affair. 
2) She acted on suppressed urges.

This actually supports my point. He is lying to her and himself, all he can do is try to suppress the urges. When your example encountered stress she cheated in a Bi-sexual manner. So, if one outlet, cheating with other men, is closed it has to be expressed in other ways.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op , 

I can relate very well with what you are saying ((I think))as far as how hard it is to let him go. I don't have the all the dealing you have, but it doesn't matter, each of our own stuff is our own. 

What I hear from your post is your fears of ending, walking away from, losing, changing, call it what you will, of the uncoupling of your life, trying to come to terms over the lost of the long love you had w this man. If I am anywhere near correct, I understand more than you can imagine. It is almost as if, "I want to let him go, but I don't want to lose him," feelings, as I once heard someone write. 

I don't know what to tell you other than, it took many years to get where you are, and if anyone thinks or tells you, you can walk away from it overnight is dreaming. It's hard work uncoupling, as much as it is coupling, if one wants any sanity left in one's life. Imho.

~sammy


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> Op ,
> 
> I can relate very well with what you are saying ((I think))as far as how hard it is to let him go. I don't have the all the dealing you have, but it doesn't matter, each of our own stuff is our own.
> 
> ...


Thank you Sammy. I don't know that I really came here for advice. Though I figured I'd get it anyway. And that's ok. I guess I just needed to vent. Tell someone. Get it out there, out of my head. It helps when someone says "Gee, I know how you feel." Even if they haven't walked in my EXACT shoes, they are familiar with the fit.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

I'm well aware how weak I appear. This life is all I've known. It is mine. I own it.

It hurts, this betrayal. It's like a death in the family. Because even though he is right beside me every night...what we HAD can never be recovered (even if it was a lie, it was MY reality). 

Our MC told my husband I am grieving a terrible loss. So true.

I don't know if there is any coming back from this. I kinda don't have many other (appealing) options, so I'm gonna stick around and see. In the mean time, maybe I'll change, and get stronger, and gain more confidence and insight.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My IC (also our MC) has told me flat out - you won't change him, but you CAN change you and what you accept.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

turnera said:


> My IC (also our MC) has told me flat out - you won't change him, but you CAN change you and what you accept.


A bit off topic, but how is that working using the same counselor for MC and IC? I asked to be referred to an IC and he suggested I talk with him alone. Do you feel a conflict of interest there?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think it's great, because not only does she see the issues I bring up in MC, she's been helping me deal with those issues for years, so when he tries to deflect (or lie) in MC, she knows better.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My mc wont see us separately as they feel the trust issue isnt there then.Wont even take a txt...

~sammy


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> BY MinaicalMama
> How do you gauge the sincerity? How do you know if it's real?


*You will not be able to tell if it is real until his ACTIONS over the years conveinces you one way or the other.* I think it wse to also have a IC help you evaluate. In my case my WS convienced me after a few years; I would say 3-5 years. I then knew that it was real but there was still some pain to deal with.





> BY MinaicalMama
> I've moved on to self preservation. Securing my future, whatever that may be. I'm enrolled in school (accounting) so that I have a way to support myself if I need to
> 
> For now I'm working on me. Education. Health. Fitness. It's my mental health that is suffering right now.


MiniacalMama
In your weakness you are showing a lot of solid thinking! I know your emotions are all over the place but you are writing very well in your posts and you express yourself very well. You have been deeply hurt and *you are weak but you are a SOLID thinking Woman!*

You are doing the right thing by getting yourself in a better security position. You have lots of life left and you can become a self supporting woman in th eyears to come and if you divorce you will have support from him also. I am not telling you to divorce your husband because this bi-sexual problem I know nothing about. *What I do know is that it is a win win for you to continue to do what you are doing with getting yourself more self reliant*. You know you cannot put your life in his hands.


When you get more self reliant and stronger you can be more help to your husband if that is what you decide. *One thing for sure is that YOU will be more secure*. Yes you have been hit hard but from what I can tell you are going to make it and be stronger. It is the pain and suffering that you have to go through in the beginning that makes you so doubtful. *I am betting on you to get stronger and that is a good bet!*


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

ManiacalMama said:


> If I thought he was 100% gay, I wouldn't. He isn't. He says he's Bi. I believe him. I don't think a gay man could do the things he does with me. I think a gay man would be disgusted by that.


No, he's gay alright. While it's true that women have sexual fluidity, that's not so much the case with men.


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## Rev. Clonn (Nov 11, 2013)

MM, 
I must also say I am so sorry you are here, having to go through this. I want to reassure you that you do not deserve this. You are a good person for even considering continuing your marriage, You deserve to be happy. I would say that counseling will lead you to see who you are and who you want to be. I always advise people to not make a decision in anger or while they are hurting. Get your IC, explore you. Then you can decide what you want to do. 
I would also advise you to make some conditions for staying together even if it is only short term. The whole Transparency, no contact, and no lying thing plus what makes you comfortable. I for one would find a way to control intercourse. You may not agree, but by controlling when where and how, you can lead his libido. Also a "in me or on me" approach would rule out porn or other outlets.
I hope I am not over reaching, however you and yours will be in my prayers.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

Rev. Clonn said:


> MM,
> I must also say I am so sorry you are here, having to go through this. I want to reassure you that you do not deserve this. You are a good person for even considering continuing your marriage, You deserve to be happy. I would say that counseling will lead you to see who you are and who you want to be. I always advise people to not make a decision in anger or while they are hurting. Get your IC, explore you. Then you can decide what you want to do.
> I would also advise you to make some conditions for staying together even if it is only short term. The whole Transparency, no contact, and no lying thing plus what makes you comfortable. I for one would find a way to control intercourse. You may not agree, but by controlling when where and how, you can lead his libido. Also a "in me or on me" approach would rule out porn or other outlets.
> I hope I am not over reaching, however you and yours will be in my prayers.


Thank You Rev. Clonn.


So, you don't think that would be asking too much, "in me or on me"? I've considered asking him, for now, to not even masturbate without me, but then I lose my nerve.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In a letter:
"Husband, every time you masturbate, it hurts me and I feel less like a woman. I know you love me and want me to be happy and not hurt. So I am asking you to no longer do it, and to focus your sexual attention to me, and not Rosie Palm."

Then step back and see what he does.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

turnera said:


> In a letter:
> "Husband, every time you masturbate, it hurts me and I feel less like a woman. I know you love me and want me to be happy and not hurt. So I am asking you to no longer do it, and to focus your sexual attention to me, and not Rosie Palm."
> 
> Then step back and see what he does.


LOL. I just had to laugh. It isn't really that funny but...In my delirium...

Never would have thought I'd be asking him to not do that. UGH!


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## Rev. Clonn (Nov 11, 2013)

NO it is not too much to ask. 

Remember "forsaking all others" in your vows. That says it all. 

Be strong, you deserve it. If you aren't willing or able to stand up for yourself, who will?

YOU CAN DO IT, but only if you want to.


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