# Where to go, where to go? I’m lost!!!



## distantmusic (Jan 26, 2018)

My first thread here. Im trying not to say too much but it’s not easy to explain all the background in a short story.

I’m 38 now. I thought I had a “perfect” life with a loving husband, two lovely kids at 3 and 6, a job I love and supportive parents living nearby....

BUT my marriage is nearly sexless. We had sex once every one to three months and every time it only last for about 1-3 mins. That’s it. I never enjoyed it you can imagine. I know he should go and see a doc but we never brought this issue up. I felt I didn’t really needed sex in my life at all. My husband loves me. He kisses me, hugs me and does anything else he could do to express his love with me, but just not via enjoyable sex. 

I had been living in peace and happiness until one day I had a crush on J who is 46 and also had a “perfect” family with two kids (9 and 6). We fell in love with each other at the first sight and couldn’t control ourselves. We struggled, tried hard to persuade each other we had families and didn’t have any future together. We gave ourselves a lot of stops but finally we went off track. 

I never thought I would be cheating in my life, not to say after 10 years of marriage, the same as him. We now become business partners (we got to know each other because we both had a business in the same industry). We work really hard, managing work and staff well together, we admire each other and we have great sex. We now go to hotels 1-2 times every week. To be honest, the first time in my life I realise I want sex and it’s so beautiful. 

I did try having sex with my husband again but we just couldn’t physically do it. I didn’t feel like being connected with him any more and this time it was not only him but me being completely dry and couldn’t make it. We had to stop in the middle as I felt so hurt. Since then we haven’t had sex for several months and I feel he wouldn’t ask for it any more. 

I admit I did something wrong. I should have controlled myself but J is so attractive to me and he loves me so much. He said he was so worried about me finally leaving him then he would feel he had nothing left. J looks like a very tough and strong- minded business man but he has a very soft heart which he hadn’t shown to anyone for years except me. J and his wife don’t really talk at home. She thinks her kids and housework are kind of burden to her. The most enjoyable thing for her is to watch TV till midnight. About 10 months ago, J found her wife some weird behaviours and he suspected she had a soul mate at work but he never had any interest to find out what’s happening because he planned to give up his marriage now. She got more and more impatient with him, yelled for little things and got angry easily, which just made him more determined for leaving his marriage. 

I know J truly loves me and he wants to develop a serious relationship with me. He starts closing his another business, and is planning to sell his investment property. He also started talking with his parents and some important relatives and friends about his marriage and all of them are now aware of the possibility of their breaking up. He even kept writing some notes to his wife and said he would send them to her when it’s the time. I don’t know what he was writing about but all were related to ending the relationship. I know his most concerns are about his kids and I know he loves them sooo much. This is the last thing he cares about in his family. But he said he would figure out a way to minimise the impacts on kids. 

He never promised anything to me. He said he didn’t want to put any pressure on me. Once I asked him if I didn’t get divorced what would he choose to do? He answered me, very firmly, he would still do it. I know he is now very determined to go ahead. He knows it’s harder to be the first person stepping out of the marriage and he is facing a risk as if I didn’t leave my husband in the end. But he is doing it now. 

I’m now feeling completely lost. I don’t want to hurt my husband and my kids. They have not faults in the whole thing. It was all because me being so greedy and couldn’t control myself. If I broke up with my husband, the kids would suffer what they shouldn’t go through in their life, and I’m not sure if I can manage such a complicated new relationship, and with 4 kids. J and I both get along very well
with the other’s kids now but being stepmother/ father would be totally different. If I stayed in my marriage, I don’t know how to face J and my heart. His life would be totally destroyed by me. Further more, can I cope with my sexless marriage in future after feeling so great of having sex and feeling eager to have regular sex? 

I’m not confident to go ahead with J, neither do I feel confident to stay in my marriage. What should I think and what should I do? Any words, advice and help
would be much appreciated.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Confess your affair to your husband and grant him an amicable divorce, and insist that your lover do the same with respect to his wife and marriage.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Wow, I can't help but feel sorry for your husband and your lovers wife. Despite what your husband done, he doesn't deserve this!!! You've done the worst thing you can do to somebody (IMO)

You do know this is a fantasy right? Get out of your fantasy mind before it controls you and ruins everything.

Do your self a favour and read the other threads. You'll live in fantasy world and it will come crushing down on you while losing everything you worked for. Have some kind of heart and read what your doing to your partner.

Ask yourself the question "Would my children think my decisions are acceptable?" "Would my kids be proud of what I'm doing?"

IMO, sell the business, get IC and decide what you want to do then. Mean time, break away from him.

Also how can you trust somebody that's just cheated on his wife/family? Sex dies down in a few months/years and you'll be kicking yourself


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

distantmusic said:


> BUT my marriage is nearly sexless. We had sex once every one to three months and every time it only last for about 1-3 mins. That’s it. I never enjoyed it you can imagine. I know he should go and see a doc *but we never brought this issue up.* I felt I didn’t really needed sex in my life at all. My husband loves me. He kisses me, hugs me and does anything else he could do to express his love with me, but just not via enjoyable sex.


Why did you never discuss it?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

So bottom line is you cheated on your husband and you want to know what to do now. I think Gus already gave you the best advice. The only thing I'll add is you WILL hurt your husband and kids, but you will probably hurt them less than if your husband finds out on his own.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Malaise said:


> Why did you never discuss it?


Because she's making up reasons to justify her actions so she feels less guilty


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The biggest reason your husband wasn’t up to snuff in bed was the long time between sex. There are many ways to over come this problem. The question is whose idea was it to with hold sex. Sex therapists would tell you sex in your marriage was rare enough to qualify your marriage as sexless. 

If you did not have the courage to confront your husband and fix this problem how are you going to hav the courage to divorce him and break up two families. You have two kids, was sex always bad with your husband? You are both equally responsible for your sex life and your marriage. What did you do to fix your sex life?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

You screwed up royally and now you have only bad options. If you follow the teachings of Christ, there is only one option - confess and make up with your husband. You guys can work on the sex thing, but you've made that problem much harder. 

If you aren't a Christian or don't want to behave like one, you have more options. You can still do the confess and try to make it work thing. If you and your FB do it well, you can somewhat avoid totally screwing your children over. Given the type of people that you two are, that seems unlikely.

If you don't want to face the pain of trying to make it work, then do the amicable divorce thing. Try to minimize how badly you shaft your children and your boyfriend's children. Given that you are a cheater that is marrying a cheater, we'll probably see one or the other of you back here before long. It seems like it would be hard to start a healthy, trusting relationship in such fashion.

And walk with your head low. In this story, you're playing the part of the bad guy.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Both of you confess your affair in all the ugly details to both of your partners. File for divorce immediately. 

You don’t deserve it, but ask an attorney what your rights are.

I can’t begin to understand why you don’t feel such a deep shame that when you look at your husband you fall at his feet and weep in sorrow.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

File for divorce, and you might as well tell. Both your spouses are going to figure it out when you end up with each other. I don't think this is going to end up the way you think. I see some pain and really harsh lessons in your future.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well I hope you tell your poor husband, so that he can go get STD tested pronto.
You're putting his health at risk. That shows that you don't really care for him at all.
So at least give him an amicable divorce.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Is J an ethical businessperson? Would he lie or break rules or hurt people in order to for his own benefit?

How about in his personal life? Is he honest with his friends and family?

Would he ever lie to you? Is that possible?

My advice is to be honest in your life. Tell your husband and J's wife what is going on. Leave them if that's what you want, but let them go and be happy, too.

I have traveled the world. I have not found a country or culture that values lying and deception.

J sounds like a very special person. He is cheating on his wife, in the meantime setting up all his ducks in a row, telling his side of the family and friends.

What are the qualities you love about him the most?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If you think you have a chance with your business partner the odds are agint it.

Once the newness wears off and the drama of both of you going through a divorce kicks in most likley you will lose him and your business to boot.

Divorce your husband because of the sexual missmatch and tell you affait partner you just want to run the business and heal from your failed marriage.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

DistantM,

So your "new" soul-mate cheats on his Wife to be with you...

Slim chances he will really D to marry you also. And don't be all shocked and disturbed if he does and then cheats on you too. Oh BTW, if he's told you that he never cheated on his W before he's lying. You've been played just like your playing your H. 

Better get ready, your Fantasy Island vacation going to end in Train Wreck.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Hi, i know form bitter experience the quandary you are in, a new life full of endless promise or the same old day to day drudgery of yesterday, i know which one i would choose. I am going through what your husband is going to go through if you up and leave, a hell to start with, but i will tell you this for nothing, it will be to his benefit if you do leave and live your life happily with this new man, however much you hurt your husband you owe this to yourself, your husband will know deep down that he isn't happy in the marriage, if he was he would be a more loving to you in bed and in your daily life with him.

Now you are embroiled in this affair, you have moved on but you have a duty to your husband to inform him of this affair asap, it will be hard, read my post regarding how my wife told me the same thing you are about to tell your husband, but it will be best if you do this sooner rather than later. A new life where you will be really happy, the kind of happiness that few find is worth the pain of separation if you think it isn't frivolous and won't last, but if this is the real deal then hang onto it no matter how rough things get over the coming weeks and months. 

My wife left me and i was shattered, i quickly realised i needed to change, i did some work on myself and have a fair bit to go, it will be the same for your husband, he will change and hopefully for the better, it might take some time, you can help him by always being honest with him, no lies, full disclosure always, he will benefit from you honesty. Good luck in whatever you choose.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Please tell me how you expect this will turn out...

Not how you WISH it would turn out, but how you expect it to turn out...


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

....aaaand they bit


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

End the affair.

Tell your husband you are divorcing him.

Tell your business/affair partner that you will have only a professional relationship unless/until he ends his marriage.

If your business/affair partner leaves his wife, date him if you want.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Please tell me how you expect this will turn out...
> 
> Not how you WISH it would turn out, but how you expect it to turn out...


You’re asking an awful lot there, sir.

:lol: :rofl:


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Why did you and your husband not talk about your sex life for 10 years? That is a very long time to have terrible sex and say nothing about it. It sounds like a cultural thing.

What culture (country) are you from?

You do know that "J" will most likely not divorce his wife to be with you don't you?

How do you feel going to a hotel twice a week? Don't you feel cheap?

You need to:

1. Stop the affair
2. Tell your husband about your affair
3. Work on your marriage (if your husband wants to stay married to you) as well on the sexual issue.


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

Wow. Just wow. I feel so incredibly sorry for your husband. Just because you are having difficulty in a certain area of your marriage does NOT give you the right to go out and cheat on him, ESPECIALLY not with a married man. You have committed adultery and when your husband finds out about it, he will own you in divorce court. You need to come clean and be honest and up front with your husband about what you have done and this other man needs to do the same with his wife. There is not much that is worse than cheating. No excuse for it. None whatsoever. I have been having some issues with my husband for quite a while now, but I have not gone out and cheated on him.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

runner2000 said:


> Wow. Just wow. I feel so incredibly sorry for your husband. Just because you are having difficulty in a certain area of your marriage does NOT give you the right to go out and cheat on him, ESPECIALLY not with a married man. You have committed adultery and when your husband finds out about it,* he will own you in divorce court. * You need to come clean and be honest and up front with your husband about what you have done and this other man needs to do the same with his wife. There is not much that is worse than cheating. No excuse for it. None whatsoever. I have been having some issues with my husband for quite a while now, but I have not gone out and cheated on him.


Sadly, not if they live in a no fault state or country.


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Sadly, not if they live in a no fault state or country.


That's true, unfortunately. I just feel so horrible for her husband. He definitely didn't deserve to be betrayed like that. It's even worse because there are kids involved. Just awful.


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## distantmusic (Jan 26, 2018)

Thank you for all your replies, words and advice. I know it’s unfair to my husband and I plan to tell him frankly when we get back from holiday. 

J is a very nice and honest person. I remember he emphasised he was a very loyal person in the first few conversations we had. He has a strong investment group behind him because of his honesty and loyalty. He never played tricked in his business and never owned one dollar to his contractors. He also never lied to his wife before. I’m a very honest person as well. I even don’t tell a lie to my little ones and always choose to explain what’s behind the truth. 

I also know J may not be the best person to get marriaged with, or he may not be better than my husband as a husband.

It was me who betrayed our marriage and put my wonderful husband in such a bad situation. But it has happened and I cannot change what happened. I plan to rent a house and separate from him. This may give me some time to calm down myself and do the right thing for my kids. Of course if he chose divorce, I will agree with him.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Usually relationships born out of cheating and affairs have very low chances of long-term survival.... Know this 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

distantmusic said:


> J is a very nice and honest person. I remember he emphasised he was a very loyal person in the first few conversations we had.


Honest loyal people don't cheat on their spouses.


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

Rhubarb said:


> Honest loyal people don't cheat on their spouses.


You took the words right out of my mouth. Honest people absolutely do NOT cheat. Also, you do know that once a cheater, always a cheater, right? I seriously hope that the reason you are planning on leaving your husband is not to pursue a relationship with "J." I don't mean to sound harsh, but that would be an extremely trashy thing to do. He cheated on his wife with you, so I can guarantee that he will eventually cheat on you as well. You need to cut all ties and end all communication with this guy IMMEDIATELY. I think that ending a marriage simply based on "terrible sex" is a very poor excuse. That is an issue that can be worked on. It sounds like you haven't even tried communicating how you feel about this to your husband, so how are you supposed to work on fixing the problem if you have absolutely no communication? Or are you just looking for any excuse you can come up with to end your marriage? You have kids. THEY need to come first, NOT your desire for a good sex life and extramarital affairs. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how they would feel if you put them through a divorce. Do you not think they would be scarred and traumatized? Sorry, but I think you are being incredibly selfish. I highly suggest that you come clean with your husband about what you have done and beg for his forgiveness. If he does forgive you, it is probably going to take a long time before you earn his trust back. You have done a horrible, horrible thing and, sadly, it is your children who will suffer the consequences for your extremely stupid decision to satisfy your sexual desires outside of your marriage.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

So he is super honest and super loyal, except with his penis?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

distantmusic said:


> Thank you for all your replies, words and advice. I know it’s unfair to my husband and I plan to tell him frankly when we get back from holiday.
> 
> J is a very nice and honest person. I remember he emphasised he was a very loyal person in the first few conversations we had. He has a strong investment group behind him because of his honesty and loyalty. He never played tricked in his business and never owned one dollar to his contractors. He also never lied to his wife before. I’m a very honest person as well. I even don’t tell a lie to my little ones and always choose to explain what’s behind the truth.
> 
> ...


Nearly every observation you have made in this post is sourced not from his actions, but rather from his words.

What do his actions tell you?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

distantmusic said:


> Thank you for all your replies, words and advice. I know it’s unfair to my husband and I plan to tell him frankly when we get back from holiday.
> 
> J is a very nice and honest person. I remember he emphasised he was a very loyal person in the first few conversations we had. He has a strong investment group behind him because of his honesty and loyalty. He never played tricked in his business and never owned one dollar to his contractors. He also never lied to his wife before. I’m a very honest person as well. I even don’t tell a lie to my little ones and always choose to explain what’s behind the truth.
> 
> ...


After you tell your husband, you should send him here.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Going by your own numbers from your first post: Do you realize that within the first year of your tryst with J you will have had more intercourse with him than you have had with your Husband throughout your entire relationship and marriage of 10 years?

Do you think that is going to sit well with your husband?

Follow the sage advice Gus gave you in the first response.


You know, had you spent just half the energy that you've expended on your Affair with a Married Man with Children and put it into trying to perk up your Own Marriage, well, hmm, maybe you wouldn't have to be posting here.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Couple things here you really need to wake up and realize.....

1) J is NOT a nice or decent guy....he is a scummy rat who chases and screws other men’s wives.....while lying to and betraying his wife. If this is the type of trash you are currently seeing as a good man, you would be well advised to seek some counseling.....

If you had a daughter who came home and told you she had just met this wonderful man, and then she told you this ‘dream’ guy was in the same M situation and behaving the same way as your dirtbag OM, would you encourage her to keep seeing him?.....and if you answer yes you would want this for your daughter, then you REALLY need some type of therapy.

2) You mentioned how you each get along with each other’s kids...get THAT pipe dream out of your head right now....you get along NOW because they just think of you as friends and business partners.....wait til they find out you and your POSOM have just wrecked their families.....they will HATE both of you, and with great reason.

And while your kids will probably forgive you one day, do not assume it will definitely happen.

My dad NEVER forgave his ***** of a mother....refused to go see her on her deathbed even.....

You need to be aware.....THAT is what you potentially risk when you cheat and rip your kid’s family apart.....ESPECIALLY since you say your BH, their father, is a good man.

More than likely, you have already destroyed your M and children’s family......that is a decision you need to allow your BH to make after confessing.....

But get the Fantasy out of your head right now that a M to this sh*tbag will EVER work out in the future....well at least if you and he want to keep a relationship with your kids....

And I did have to chuckle about how your idiotic Loverboy somehow thinks he is going to be able to manage or reduce the impact of all this on the kids.....

He may be a decent businessman.....but when it comes to social intelligence, that statement is prima facie evidence he is a friggin retard.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The damage is done. 

One could say she could avoid some of the fallout if she stops the insanity and lies about it for the rest of her life.

But I think that is wrong. She needs to confess and let her husband decide what he will do. She must let her children and all the families torn asunder by this betrayal know what she has done, and let them decide what they will do.

Whatever you do OP, I think you must confess. Truth is the only way. Your husband and your affair partners wife deserve it.

Although I am sure she is long gone, because we may not be adequately accepting of her affair fog.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Nearly every observation you have made in this post is sourced not from his actions, but rather from his words.
> 
> What do his actions tell you?


This^ 
Tell your husband and give him an amicable divorce he deserves it.
You, on the other hand, deserve to be getting played by J like you are.
“No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it up to forced consciousness expansion."


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

STOP the cheating! STOP it NOW and show some dignity by telling the truth to everyone involved. 

and please, don't you EVER think this cheating husband won't cheat on you one day. i never saw a blessed marriage built on wrongdoings on their previous spouses, not once!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Every marriage has two sides, and it is not our place to make any rulings. I do however believe that your husband is owed the truth of the situation. Then an amicable divorce is likely in order. You can go to the man that you want, and he can move on. It is better to get this all out in the open.


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## distantmusic (Jan 26, 2018)

I know there is no excuse for marking a mistake. I think the emotional separation with my husband was from three years ago when he betrayed me while I was pregnant and gave birth to my son. I found it out when my son was two months old and it had been for more than half a year. He said he never thought of leaving me or the family and he would stop it straightaway. It looked like he returned to family and deleted all the conversations they had in his phone. But I found I couldn’t trust him any more and I started withdrawing my dependence on this relationship. 

Our sexless marriage was more from this I think. We had some talks about our marriage last year and we both realised it was getting worse. When I mentioned the affair he had and asked him when he stopped it, he admitted it took some while, which WAS NOT straightaway. I was very determined I would spoil myself and develop my independence so I could always live a happy life without anyone’s love. I left my previous job in government, started my own business, regularly went to GYM, bought beauty products and jewellery for myself and did everything for self construction. 

I feel he still tries to hide his phone or pretends he is not playing his phone when he finds Im watching him. He explained he was not talking with anyone, but he didn’t want me to think he was talking with someone so he was nervous. Anyway, it doesn’t make any sense to me.

But I know all of these shouldn’t be an excuse for my affair. I don’t have any reason to do it just because he did it or maybe he’s doing it. Actually it’s not relevant. The relevant excuse is no matter how strong you are, as a human, we all have our weak points and they show time to time. I should have controlled myself better and I’m thinking hard to find out why I couldn’t, why I did such a wrong thing, what was the real trigger and how I could let it develop so madly.... I need to find out.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

distantmusic said:


> I know there is no excuse for marking a mistake. I think the emotional separation with my husband was from three years ago when he betrayed me while I was pregnant and gave birth to my son. I found it out when my son was two months old and it had been for more than half a year. He said he never thought of leaving me or the family and he would stop it straightaway. It looked like he returned to family and deleted all the conversations they had in his phone. But I found I couldn’t trust him any more and I started withdrawing my dependence on this relationship.
> 
> Our sexless marriage was more from this I think. We had some talks about our marriage last year and we both realised it was getting worse. When I mentioned the affair he had and asked him when he stopped it, he admitted it took some while, which WAS NOT straightaway. I was very determined I would spoil myself and develop my independence so I could always live a happy life without anyone’s love. I left my previous job in government, started my own business, regularly went to GYM, bought beauty products and jewellery for myself and did everything for self construction.
> 
> ...


People will jump at it for what you doing, and I hope you keep posting here. Normally get the reverse here and only the BS comes here. Would be a good insight

Perhaps you felt renewed with the attention you craved which was missing in your marriage?

IMO, you should stop the affair straight away, you may love this attention etc but it won't be there forever. Can you really trust somebody who just left his wife and kids?

You shouldn't drag to his level and hide the affair. Admit to it, then work it out from there, even go to MC and see if there's anything worth salvaging. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes, it's how we fix them. Doing what your doing isn't fixing anything, infact it's going to get worse.


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## distantmusic (Jan 26, 2018)

I don’t feel comfortable with being judged especially when people just read you through a few sentences, but I know everyone has their own way to understand other marriages and relationships and expresses their points or anger or whatever. It’s really not easy to give a full picture of what my actual marriage is and what kind of person I am. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I’m here not for gaining any understanding, maybe just trying to make myself clearer by writing down what I experienced. 

If after talking with my husband we decide to divorce, I won’t go to J. This is not my plan. I reckon anyone who tried hard to get out of her marriage wouldn’t rush in another. I will give myself several years to recover and to find the best way to look after my kids first. If after several years, I feel J is the right person, and he still loves me, it’s not late to consider a plan. 

Talking about kids, my daughter had some issues getting along with my husband. I know he loves her but she seems never got it. I can’t believe a six years old girl asked her mum to leave her dad. And she said it several times before. When I decided to talk with my husband about my affair, I firstly talked with my daughter. I wanted to make sure she was not too surprised and she was okay with it. I said: I feel I cannot get along with your dad. It seems we are not very close anymore, and I’m thinking of a separation. What do you think? My daughter answered: I feel the same. Can I go with you? I cannot get along with him as well and he always gets angry with me. Then she thought about her brother and suggested they could stay together and swap places in mum’s and dad’s. She firmly told me she was okay with it and asked me when I planned to talk with dad. I was so shocked by her reaction and didn’t want her to be too concerned, so I said: I’m still thinking about it. She then said: do talk to him when we get back, if you forget it I will remind you.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

runner2000 said:


> I think that ending a marriage simply based on "terrible sex" is a very poor excuse.
> That is an issue that can be worked on. .


First statement is just opinions, thankfully.
Second statement, 90% of the time, no it can't.

In the end, she's a cheater, he's a cheater, her husband's a cheater, they're all a bunch of damned cheaters.

Now, time for the popcorn, this should be interesting.

ETA: New info posted in last 10 min. Yep, it's going get interesting. Think I'll pop 2 bags.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

distantmusic said:


> I know there is no excuse for marking a mistake. I think the emotional separation with my husband was from three years ago when he betrayed me while I was pregnant and gave birth to my son.


OK but before you said....



distantmusic said:


> It was me who betrayed our marriage and put my wonderful husband in such a bad situation. But it has happened and I cannot change what happened.


These statements do not jive. In general this is the wrong site to get support for bad behavior. Perhaps there is an ****** ******* forum, I wouldn't know. It seems like you are now looking for approval to dump your husband and so you have added this tidbit of information which to me seems a bit dubious given your initial post. You don't need ours or anyone else's permission to cheat on your husband and dump him for another man who also happens to be a cheater. it's not illegal. If your conscious is clear, feel free to screw over your husband and kick him to the side.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

distantmusic said:


> I don’t feel comfortable with being judged especially when people just read you through a few sentences, but I know everyone has their own way to understand other marriages and relationships and expresses their points or anger or whatever. It’s really not easy to give a full picture of what my actual marriage is and what kind of person I am. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I’m here not for gaining any understanding, maybe just trying to make myself clearer by writing down what I experienced.
> 
> If after talking with my husband we decide to divorce, I won’t go to J. This is not my plan. I reckon anyone who tried hard to get out of her marriage wouldn’t rush in another. I will give myself several years to recover and to find the best way to look after my kids first. If after several years, I feel J is the right person, and he still loves me, it’s not late to consider a plan.
> 
> Talking about kids, my daughter had some issues getting along with my husband. I know he loves her but she seems never got it. I can’t believe a six years old girl asked her mum to leave her dad. And she said it several times before. When I decided to talk with my husband about my affair, I firstly talked with my daughter. I wanted to make sure she was not too surprised and she was okay with it. I said: I feel I cannot get along with your dad. It seems we are not very close anymore, and I’m thinking of a separation. What do you think? My daughter answered: I feel the same. Can I go with you? I cannot get along with him as well and he always gets angry with me. Then she thought about her brother and suggested they could stay together and swap places in mum’s and dad’s. She firmly told me she was okay with it and asked me when I planned to talk with dad. I was so shocked by her reaction and didn’t want her to be too concerned, so I said: I’m still thinking about it. She then said: do talk to him when we get back, if you forget it I will remind you.


Are you planning on stopping anything with J?

I understand his splitting his family up but doesn't give you the right to be seeing him. Your contributing to his family split


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

distantmusic said:


> When I decided to talk with my husband about my affair, I firstly talked with my daughter. I wanted to make sure she was not too surprised and she was okay with it


I'm sorry, but why in the hell would you drag a 6-year-old child into this?????? Children that young have absolutely no place in adult marital issues. How do you even expect a 6-year-old to understand what you are telling her regarding your affair???


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## distantmusic (Jan 26, 2018)

I don’t want to get any permission or support from here. No need to explain what I said as well...


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## distantmusic (Jan 26, 2018)

I didn’t tell her anything about affair just the possibility of separation from her dad


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## distantmusic (Jan 26, 2018)

Btw, I think I’ll just stop here. I don’t need your judgement and I don’t want to explain myself. Nobody knows me here. There is no point I told something on purpose for permission or support. Lol, it’s no use to me. Bye everyone, thank you for any kind advice.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@distantmusic, you need to understand that this forum has all sorts.

You told us at first a particular story, that you cheated.

Later on, you complete the story by telling us about your husband's infidelity.

Why you did not mention part 2 in part 1 I do not understand, but it would have formed a bit more of a complete story to work with. I would dispense very different advice knowing he had betrayed you first, and that clearly he was not remorseful (as much as he should have been) and that your marriage did not properly heal from the affair as a result.

While that doesn't excuse what you did, one does need to look at the whole picture to understand your possible motivations.

Some posters here are harsh, but sometimes it is necessary to absorb those posts as well. You can ignore the advice that doesn't appeal to you and keep the advice that does.

As humans we judge all the time. You will not escape judgements, no matter where you go. You will, however, get good advice here on the whole. We do not sugarcoat here and our posters have a lot of experience.

I hope you'll reconsider leaving. If anything, browse the other stories for a while.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I'm glad you decided to talk to your husband about your affair and move forward in an authentic life.

I suggest trying not to be too defensive. You write a few paragraphs. No one considers deception and infidelity as a positive value, including you.

Be open to legitimate criticism and leave the rest. If you have made bad decisions and mistakes, and done wrong, try to right them.

Consider that you have been, are now, and always will be judged. Based on your behavior in the past, you have been judged as a great wife and mother. Your observed actions will result in others judging you - good, bad, or indifferent. People will judge what they consider to be negative behaviors. Many will understand bad decisions and mistakes and will further judge on how you handle it - to face up to it and fix it, or to continue in it and justify it. Not everyone will judge, but many will. You gave your daughter some information and she judged it as being OK.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

You do realise that having children totally changes everything. Your little girl is now feeling extremely insecure, she wants to make you happy. She is telling you what you want to hear... Cos she is.. Well. Six....

Your kids will not be happy for you, they will not like your new guy. He broke up the family. That is just how it it. Kids are selfish, they have a right to be and regardless of what you hear. From a six year old. 

At the very best your soon to be ex husband will remain silent about your affair. That is the absolute very best you can hope for. Morel ikely it will get out and you will be the "homewrecker". This may not seem fair.. So.. 

You are going to lose contact with the children you now live with all the time for at least half their childhood. Think about what that means.
On Sundays you pack the bags of your small child for them to go to their Dads for the week. I realise that at this time that may seem like a wonderful opportunity to be with your new guy. In reality you will be sitting in an empty house. Waiting for the week to pass as your new guy hangs out with his family.
Your kids hurt themselves. You are not there

This does not end. When they find out that you chose someone else over them they will not be happy. They will feel betrayed by you. You know why? Because you did. You chose your own needs and happiness over theirs

Am I telling you to stay with your husband. NO. I am telling you to end the affair. Not for anyone else but you.

This is a story we have seen many times here. Some of us have been on the other end of it and some people are just being logical. Whatever.. The outcome is pretty much always the same.

1. End the affair. You are both lying to each other. You both know it. 
2. No Contact. At all
Wait until you can go a day at a time without thinking about the false opportunities you have manufactured in your head.

Look at your children. Look at them.. Please.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Chaparral, that may be true sometimes, but not always [ask me how I know ]
> 
> 
> For the majority of our marriage, my husband would last about 90 seconds. If we had sex twice a day [or three times in the very early days], then he would last 2-3 minutes the second/third time.
> ...


This was the case in our marriage. The months between sex made it so like it was the first time all over again each time and I was extremely sensitive. Early on in the marriage and of course through dating, when it was more frequent, I could hold out for several rounds of hers before I had mine. As the frequency dropped and it became more sensitive it was tough but I implemented new strategies, to where I was using condoms that numbed me a bit so I could go on as long as it took. I made sure 99% of the time she had hers before I even started to think about mine. Still, in the long run, lot of good it did. Just goes on to prove a lot of the stuff in the NMMNG book. I was too concerned with her that I lost my own identity in bed.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

distantmusic said:


> Thank you for all your replies, words and advice. I know it’s unfair to my husband and I plan to tell him frankly when we get back from holiday.
> 
> J is a very nice and honest person. I remember he emphasised he was a very loyal person in the first few conversations we had. He has a strong investment group behind him because of his honesty and loyalty. He never played tricked in his business and never owned one dollar to his contractors. He also never lied to his wife before. I’m a very honest person as well. I even don’t tell a lie to my little ones and always choose to explain what’s behind the truth.
> 
> ...


Besides what is in red up above...I'm glad you could squeeze in the holiday. Don't want to miss that!! Lord knows you could use one. Such a stressful time and all. Sheesh...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

distantmusic said:


> Thank you for all your replies, words and advice. I know it’s unfair to my husband and I plan to tell him frankly when we get back from holiday.
> 
> J is a very nice and honest person. I remember he emphasised he was a very loyal person in the first few conversations we had. He has a strong investment group behind him because of his honesty and loyalty. He never played tricked in his business and never owned one dollar to his contractors. He also never lied to his wife before. I’m a very honest person as well. I even don’t tell a lie to my little ones and always choose to explain what’s behind the truth.
> 
> ...


And you know this because the guy who cheated on his wife told you? You are in for a hard lesson. Their may be a lot of J's in your life from now on. Certainly guys who are not like J are not going to be eager to get into a relationship with you if you tell them the truth about your history.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Looks like the thread can be closed. I doubt the OP is coming back.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

A six year old will say anything to please her mother. I think this is going to end very badly.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Hey, I am a BS and I can attest to the pressure on these forums to do as you are told. Demanding action. Keep in mind we are not in a correct position to demand you do anything. We can merely suggest what you to do what we see as the right thing. 

Sometime the tone on here is very... 'parental' when many receive information better from a friend or a comrade. 

But that does not make the suggestion either wrong or right, it just makes the information irritating and hurtful because often we want to please others especially those with authority. 

Take this, from collected experience from hundreds of thousands of people over fifteen some odd years on the this forum and many others on the web your very common affair type routinely does not work out. 

Rug-sweeping his affair and allowing yourself to stay in a marriage with an unremorseful husband lead you to resentment and (IMHO) I think you cannot even work through your pain and withdrawal from your husband since his most terrible affair. He did little to prove his right to remain with you and this is your revenge. You stayed in the marriage and remained suspicious and unhappy, and now you are exiting the marriage. This is your Exit Affair. 

Yeah, you should not have done it. You likely have hurt a lot of people, but you can grow from this. You can see that your choices have led you to feel confliction and you question the out come. You want one thing, (your affair partner) But know this, doubt will always linger in your mind about him and yourself. That doubt may turn into a cancer that eats away at the fantasy of a happily ever after. 

Im not much of a gambling person. I would not want to gamble on that. 

My suggestion is, go ahead and leave your marriage. Tell your husband why and explain that you have noticed his own actions and they do not speak of fidelity either, and that it is best you part ways because you don't respect him anymore and he likely wont respect you either after he knows about your affair. Try to divorce as amicably as possible and be single for a while. not years and years, but maybe a year to give your children some stability before their mom is dating again. They will see it as they grow up and respect that you gave the marriage you left some time to sink in to their head and hearts. 

Don't date the other man until you are a minimum a year out of your divorce. (Again a suggestion not a demand) 

Regardless of the forum beatings you may receive as a wayward the criticism is good prep for when the **** actually hits the fan. What if his wife find out and outs you at work, or to your entire family...etc. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best and stick around here if you want to do self introspection and learning about what possibilities lay before you. 

Good luck. I personally hope you keep posting, but if you don't know this... You were very injured when your husband cheated on you during your pregnancy. My husband did the same. It was four years ago for me. I worry I could easily fall into an affair sometimes but i think my husband has done MUCH more to prove himself. I am weak like you were for an affair, Im not throwing any stones.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Now where would a 6 year old independently come up with the idea of telling her mother to leave her Dad. 

You manipulated a 6 year old.


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