# Confused!!



## number8 (Jan 16, 2010)

Hi everyone,
I am engaged to a man I thought was my soul mate. Two years ago we hit a very bad patch. We were constantly arguing over smallest of things. He then started acting very strange i.e he distant himself, won't have sx with me and won't talk to me. I asked if he was seeing someone but he swore on our daughters life that he was not seeing or in contact with anyone. I then got pregnant again and the relationship carried on the same (worst time of my life). I thought i was imagining things when I found phone number of women in his pockets and he was always out. Sometimes he will sleep on the sofa and was emailing someone when he thought i wast watching. 

Two weeks after I gave birth to our second daughter, I found emails between him and a Korean lady he met during a business conference. They were quite romantic emails but there were no sxual chat. Just a little flirt. They even met up for a a drink. I confronted him with it and he begged me not to leave. He swore he never slept with this girl.
I emailed her and asked if anything happened between them and she said nothing happened and she was very sorry.
The thing was, he was lying to her. He told her that he was single and that he was going on holiday to meet friends in singapore when he was supposed to meet my family.
I forgave him.

Last april I found out through his mobile phones that he has been having texting affair with a client he met in China. This was going on for over a year. He has been to china twice before i found out about the txt messages. I also found romantic chinese love song on his mobile. I was so angry at the time that i really wanted to leave him. So I went to the bar, saw a cute 19 year old and kissed him. When I got back home that night, my fiance took an overdose.

This is why I am so confused. I do think he has slept with this chinese lady, my gut instinct told me he has. He denied everything and said he just had a banter eventhough he told her how much he wish he could cuddle up in bed with her for the whole day. He was always contacting her first when he arraived somewhere (like when he was working in turkey).

We had a huge arguement once because i'd asked him to tell me the truth and why he did what he did. I ended up giving him a black eye.

I really need to talked to someone who has been in the same situation as me because none of my friends or family understand my situation. they just tell me to put up with it. 

I am also confused as to why this man wants to marry me. I would happily let him go.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Why do they want you to put up with it? I'm not sure that's really the best course of action since it's now turning physical (the black eye). 

You sound very angry (understandably). And so you need to put things in place to control that. Can you trust him? What kind of marriage will you have from the very beginning if you can't?

The time to work this out and decide is now. Trust is an important thing.


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## JoeB (Jan 15, 2010)

If you would "happily let him go" then that is most likely your answer. A very dear friend dealt with her bf like this for years. He was a pilot and flew all over the east coast, she lived in ID where they grew up. He bought a house for them and made sure she would be home for him when he came home every few months. She suspected he was having a PA and sure enough she looked at his phone and in his suitcase and found the evidence. She confronted him and he came clean after denying the A for about 2 years. They broke up and stayed apart for about 6 months. Then one day he shows up at the house and tells her that he quit his job and wants to start over. She allowed him to move in and they have taken things very slowly since. He has admitted that he knew what a catch she was and he wanted to have something "exciting" and "different" with a little drama thrown in. But he needed to know that when he was stable she would be at "their house waiting for him". He has a serious ego problem and is very unstable in relationships. Their first time together was very turbulent, but not violent. I'm not sure how well this relates to your situation but I hope it helps.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Let him go. Marriage is way too hard as it is to not fully trust the person your're building a life with. Add a few kids - or other life stresses - no way. If he's lying now while the relationship is easy - forget it. He looses out in my book. Don't short change yourself.


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## number8 (Jan 16, 2010)

Alexandra said:


> Why do they want you to put up with it? I'm not sure that's really the best course of action since it's now turning physical (the black eye).
> 
> You sound very angry (understandably). And so you need to put things in place to control that. Can you trust him? What kind of marriage will you have from the very beginning if you can't?
> 
> The time to work this out and decide is now. Trust is an important thing.


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## number8 (Jan 16, 2010)

I suppose it's for the children's sake. I gave him a black eye because he screamed in my face denying everything he did. All I wanted was the truth from him so at least I can see why he did what he did. I couldn't get a word in so i striked.
This is what I asked my self allthe time; Can I trust this man? Honestly I don't. I have tried so many times to runaway but when he tried to kill himself, I got scared that he will die and my children will be left without a father. Worst, how can i explain to my kids if he killed himself.
Answer to your question, I really don't know what kind of marriage life we will have, if i decide to go ahead with the wedding.
I really love him but at the same time i dont want to love or be in love with him. This is because my instict told me he is lying and that he will hurt me again in furture.
I know trust is very important in a relationship but there is no trust here. I need to make a plan.


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## number8 (Jan 16, 2010)

Thank you JoeB and everyone for all your replies. It has helped me to see that I am not alone when I thought I was. Your friend's BF sounds a little like my man. If i never had kids with my fiance i would have been gone a long time ago. I certainly won't have him back.
I like my friends and family to be on my side.


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