# Sex life souring - advice for self-enhancement?



## annag38.nyc (Nov 20, 2021)

Over time I have lost my youthfulness and it's especially noticeable on my face with jowling and some skin laxity. Around the same time I noticed that my husband stopped paying same attention to me as he had before. I'm not sure what to do about it, and some of my friends recommended getting cosmetic surgery to improve my looks. I'm scared to death about anything surgical and not sure what to do. Any advice is appreciated.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Is your husband aging normally, as well? I bet he is.

If he really is losing interest just because you are aging normally, I'd personally pay for a divorce over paying for cosmetic surgery.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you're both in your 50s or older, his testosterone may be dropping and that may be decreasing his libido rather than your (possibly irrelevant) appearance changes.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

annag38.nyc said:


> Over time I have lost my youthfulness and it's especially noticeable on my face with jowling and some skin laxity. Around the same time I noticed that my husband stopped paying same attention to me as he had before


Just because you link the two events together doesn’t prove your husband is. Did he explicitly say “your declining looks turn me off” ?


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## annag38.nyc (Nov 20, 2021)

We are in our early 40's, and work out a lot etc, but I just look kind of "saggy" in my face. I'm not sure if I'm overthinking the entire situation & if I should just confront him about what's going on.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’d spend time getting fit and strong versus going under the knife.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

annag38.nyc said:


> We are in our early 40's, and work out a lot etc, but I just look kind of "saggy" in my face. I'm not sure if I'm overthinking the entire situation & if I should just confront him about what's going on.


Any other concerning behavior? working late, detached, on his phone, not letting you see his phone, need for cash?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I don't think that having cosmetic surgery is the answer.
Talk to him about it.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

How is your water and collagen levels?

You can collagen injections which isn't major surgery at all. That might help with the wrinkles.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> How is your water and collagen levels?
> 
> You can collagen injections which isn't major surgery at all. That might help with the wrinkles.


Omf.

Everyone ages.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Omf.
> 
> Everyone ages.


She indicates that she would like to slow it down. 
What I suggest is the least intrusive way to do that. 
I'm not suggesting that she do anything.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

The problem with approaching him is let's face it....What guy on this Earth is going to tell a woman she is no longer physically or sexually attractive to him?? No guy will be honest about it, if in fact that is the issue...The reason they don't is you can't ever recover from that type of brutal honesty....So, he'll probably say that he's "tired, stressed, etc"....The most laughable part of that type of answer is that I can think of no better activity in my experience, for dealing with stress and general life angst, then a good lay....So in reality that type of response is more like a smokescreen than a legit reason...

As others have stated, everyone ages, albeit some do age better than others...I don't think that's any reason to completely let oneself go, but you can't stop the ravages of time, no one can......Quite frankly, if the frown lines and jowls bother you, don't look at it as a way to fix your sex life, do it because its bothering you and you don't like it...

It's a tough situation, but I doubt its because of normal aging...Trying to get to the root of the issue and if this is an indication of a larger problem, will be the tricky part....I have long believed that most people of both sexes will eventually lose sexual interest in a partner they have been with for a while and it may not even be something that they have control over.. Keeping that feeling at bay is a very tricky and elusive thing....Thats a topic for another thread, though...


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

The reality is that your sexual market value is dropping while his is increasing. Usually, if a woman can lock down a high value man, he'll not notice those changes in you (he'll see the same women that he married, even years later). However, sometimes it doesn't work that way.

I would just ask him what's going on. He might be stressed, his testosterone might have dropped, or any number of other things. Just talk to him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think a majority of men are more focused on body than face. And the reasons may have nothing to do with you. 

If you have plenty of money, you might ask a really reputable plastic surgeon about fillers and father it would do anything to lift your jowls if you for example did cheekbone filler. 

But you need to see if you can find out what's going on from your husband. Like if you initiate sex a couple of times in a row and he turns you down, open the conversation. Calmly. Say something like, is there something going on physically or are you just not as interested in sex anymore? 

And especially at his age, you have to consider that he might we having an affair or getting sex elsewhere. If a man has a normal sex drive and you're his wife and you're the only one he's having sex with, he's going to be wanting sex sometimes. 

There is one other possibility and hopefully you would know if it's a reasonable guess. If he has been watching porn recently when he wasn't before, it could have become pirn addicted. It can erode sexual relations in quite a few different ways. 

One way is that he could get used to his particular couple of fantasies and corn and have gotten to where he can't really get excited without replicating that fantasy AR that particular pirn actress. 

The other is he could just be doing it too much and not have anything left for you. 

The other is it may have skewed his perceptions and raise the bar for how he wants a sexual partner to look and also for what he wishes a sexual partner would do whether that is an actual sex acts or in how they approach him and how they initiate. The more recent porn generations frequently complain that their women don't initiate like the porn characters who knock at the door with a pizza and then come in and drop to their knees to give them a BJ. 

Hopefully you know whether he's doing that or not. If you already know he is and that it's frequent any type of serious talk with him and tell him it's affecting his sex life with you and ask him to go on a hiatus.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

annag38.nyc said:


> Over time I have lost my youthfulness and it's especially noticeable on my face with jowling and some skin laxity. Around the same time I noticed that my husband stopped paying same attention to me as he had before. I'm not sure what to do about it, and some of my friends recommended getting cosmetic surgery to improve my looks. I'm scared to death about anything surgical and not sure what to do. Any advice is appreciated.


Your title indicates sex life souring, but your post talks more about you worrying about your looks or cosmetic surgery. (Very difficult when you start ageing, I sympathise).

Why is it souring and what are the specifics? For example, sometimes women worry about their weight and looks and pull back in that department. Or they notice a change in their partner, like ED or lower drive. But it’s not quite clear what the sex issue is. 

That might help clarify the two issues, so we can help you if it’s a specific intimacy issue, or a body-image issue.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Op, you seem to be making too many assumptions here about why your sex life isn't as it was. Just talk to him.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You could wear a balaclava in bed. Are you into S&M?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> You could wear a balaclava in bed. Are you into S&M?


Hmmmm not helpful.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Hmmmm not helpful.


It was tongue in cheek.  I agree it's not particularly helpful, but I was trying to downplay the situation a bit. I guess it's an issue like any other body issue problem. Whatever we say, it's usually impossible to convince the OP that he/she is fine and should just forget it. I would say - apart from wearing the balaclava  - to try maybe some botox... I am not an expert, but if the problem is impacting on the OP's confidence and sex life, there are some less invasive solutions than plastic surgery.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

annag38.nyc said:


> Over time I have lost my youthfulness and it's especially noticeable on my face with jowling and some skin laxity. Around the same time I noticed that my husband stopped paying same attention to me as he had before. I'm not sure what to do about it, and some of my friends recommended getting cosmetic surgery to improve my looks. I'm scared to death about anything surgical and not sure what to do. Any advice is appreciated.


You are going to need to find a way to embrace your aging face (and body), because most plastic surgery doesn't work to restore youth, and the changes definitely do not last...because you will keep aging every day (which is a GIFT, by the way).

It could be that your husband's lack of attention has you focused on something that he might not even see. Most people in their 40s still look youthful and attractive, so I find it hard to believe that you've aged so much that he finds you repulsive!

The enemy right now is in your mind, so you need to TALK TO HIM about what is going on with his attitude and feelings about you and your relationship, so you can try to find the real cause of the change in him.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think a majority of men are more focused on body than face.


It is for me, no question. So why not focus on getting more toned/fit (if you aren’t already). It’s the healthier option FOR YOU and at least should increase your confidence to be more sexually forward. 

Oh and jacked up hormonal levels can truly do a number on a man. Ask me how I know. Do NOT send him to an average urologist or GP doc. Mine tested my T and said I was fine. Turns out at 45 I had the T levels of a 95 yr old man. NOT FINE. I recommend Defy Medical. They’re completely online and will remotely orchestrate a full lab work up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No one is going to look 30 forever. No one. No man, no woman. All the surgery in the world can't stop time, and sometimes surgery just makes you look ****ed up.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Livvie said:


> No one is going to look 30 forever. No one. No man, no woman. All the surgery in the world can't stop time, and sometimes surgery just makes you look ****ed up.


RIGHT. Look at how much better Meryl Streep looks than Meg Ryan...


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

You're debating 'confronting' him, and others have suggested straight up asking him if he's lost interest in having sex. Don't do it. 

The flipside of this is, you're worried you've lost your attractiveness. Can you see that your emotions around this are going to make your 'confrontation' even worse?

It's time to do a reset/rethink here before you do some potentially unnecessary damage. 

Start thinking about this in terms of your mutually shared RELATIONSHIP. You've run into a problem together. Support each other and try to understand it, and fix it - together, with empathy for him AND yourself. 

You can always entertain the worst case scenarios if that goes nowhere. Not now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anna, you need to talk to him about this. You are making assumptions that are probably completely wrong.
Plus you are only in your 40's so please don't start on that whole merry go round of plastic surgery. If you start getting it now you will need to keep getting it over and over.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The problem with plastic surgery it that it looks fake on close examination.
The face is smooth, the neck and upper arms are not!

Most doctors over-stretch the facial skin so that it 'lasts longer' before sagging again.

I have no issues with it if it makes a person happy.

I wish they had surgery that prevents one from being stiff all day.

I am talking about ones back and legs, thank you!



_King Brian-_


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’d bet good money he hasn’t even noticed her “jowling” and that if she were to ask him about it, he would give her a blank stare and ask her what she is talking about.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> The problem with plastic surgery it that it looks fake on close examination.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I wouldn’t even say on close examination, I’d say it simply looks fake, period.

I’d take natural sag over fake any day. 

Now that being said, I am all for restorative cosmetic surgery in the event of some kind of accident or following the removal of a tumor or actual deformity or disfigurement etc.

But IMHO a 40 something year old woman almost always looks better with some signs of natural aging vs the fake and unnatural look of cosmetic surgery. 

Same with the men with thinning and balding hair vs hairpieces and toupees and transplants etc.


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## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

One problem with getting old is that everything that was limber is stiff and everything that was stiff is limber. 

Maybe he's having some "was stiff is limber" problems, i.e., ED, and is embarrassed to bring it up (probably a poor choice of words) -- I mean talk about it with you. How is communication between you two? Set a time, outside bedtime and the bedroom, to talk positively. I can recommend two podcasts: "Foreplay Radio, Couples and Sex Therapy," and "Sex with Emily" for discussions on how to approach the subject. 

BTW, I don't think it's anything that will be cured with plastic surgery...at least from the hubby's point of view. Guys who love their women and see them as idealized creatures. I'm 75 and having a great and sexy relationship with a younger woman, 70 year-old-vixen.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

annag38.nyc said:


> We are in our early 40's, and work out a lot etc, but I just look kind of "saggy" in my face. I'm not sure if I'm overthinking the entire situation & if I should just confront him about what's going on.


Have his hormones checked. I started HRT at 37, my urologist at 34. Does he seem more tiref than in past?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Vorpal said:


> One problem with getting old is that everything that was limber is stiff and everything that was stiff is limber.
> 
> Maybe he's having some "was stiff is limber" problems, i.e., ED, and is embarrassed to bring it up (probably a poor choice of words) -- I mean talk about it with you. How is communication between you two? Set a time, outside bedtime and the bedroom, to talk positively. I can recommend two podcasts: "Foreplay Radio, Couples and Sex Therapy," and "Sex with Emily" for discussions on how to approach the subject.
> 
> BTW, I don't think it's anything that will be cured with plastic surgery...at least from the hubby's point of view. Guys who love their women and see them as idealized creatures. I'm 75 and having a great and sexy relationship with a younger woman, 70 year-old-vixen.


And THIS perspective is why older men are so attractive!!!!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

some people do have plastic surgery. i do not really understand them, but it is a thing.

before i even THOUGHT about it, i would try a slew of other things:
1) lingerie. it really works for many marriages...kind of immediately raises the kinky level, and gets the hubby horny
2) act sexy. do you dress hot around the house, or dumpy looking. instead of dressing up to go out, instead dress up to be at home! you can be dumpy looking when you are out shopping! short skirt, not bra, sheer top, no panties. And flirt with hubby. make him KNOW you are horny for him
3) new sex acts. maybe you both are just bored with the vanilla sex you have settled into. try something new! maybe rent 50 Shades of Gray, watch it together, and play along with the movie??? Add in sex acts you have been to embarrassed to try before!
Any sex act he wanted, but you refused in the past, tell him you now want to try it!

put some effort into the above, and it is likely the perceived "need" for plastic surgery will go away


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I personally think a woman's interest and attitude toward sex are far more important than just her looks. We ALL get old and are not model quality (some of us never were) but willingness to have sex and try new things and being INTO sex far exceeds any effort to look younger by way of surgery.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Try some of the skin firming creams for the jowling. Some are more effective than others.


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