# Newly Separated



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

Hello,

I have been with my wife for 10 years, but tonight we have finally separated.

It's been a rocky relationship. We had good days and bad days. Our main problem was so much arguing and disagreeing on things. I felt that due to this, I held back from being affectionate, which caused her to resent me. I think we've both made mistakes. I felt like I was always the one talking about how to make things better but I felt like I could never get through to her. A few years back, we moved far away from our families to a lovely house and I thought it was a new start. Neither of us had any proper friends and we both seemed happy with that. My wife had to change jobs and her new job led to socialising with her workmates. I didn't mind this particularly, but I found out that one was sending her really inappropriate text messages. They may have had some sort of affair, but I was never able to prove it.

This happened about one month ago. Since then, things came to a head and she finally told me that she didn't have any faith in us working out and didn't want to try. She said she still loves me and feels awful. I tried my best to persuade her to see this as a wake up call and to actually make steps to improve things, but to no avail.

Tonight, I packed my bags and am now sitting writing this in a hotel. I need to start thinking about finding somewhere to rent temporarily until our money situation is sorted out and I have enough to think about buying somewhere.

I'm 30 years old in a month's time and I'm not normally one to cry. However, today I admit I cried a lot. I feel so lost. Like I said, I have no friends and my family live quite far away.

I just thought that my marriage would last forever. I have so many memories of our time together and I feel so sad that it's come to an end.

Does anyone have any words of encouragement please?


----------



## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Move back to your home. If she's the one who thinks your marriage won't work, she's the one who leaves... not you.

There is nothing in your post that can't be resolved by good counseling. She needs to be totally transparent about the affair/alleged affair with the co-worker. You need more information before anyone here can tell you what to do on that issue.

There is no excuse not to have friends. If you want friends be a friend. Go volunteer for some worthy cause and introduce yourself. Make yourself do it. One of the problems with your marriage is that you have no life outside your wife (or so it appears).

Now get back to your house, tell your wife you are scheduling counseling and she is free to go with you or not go with you. Her choice. Be proactive and get out of that piece of $hit hotel room and the pity party you're throwing yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

why should the man shoulder the burden of moving out, did you do something wrong, were it you who had the "potential" affair...NO tomorrow you march back into the house and tell her that she has two options 
1. leave is she is unhappy or 
2. stick it out with you in the house and you both place the house on the market and sell it...that way you keep everything above board. 

besides and this i know will stick in the back of your mind....do you want her inviting other men to your home...hell no 

so get a good night sleep and move back in another bed room, then i want you to work on you, be the person you held yourself back for. 

good luck. Go and cry the night away and then from then on put a plan together.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree. You and she own the house, right? Why did you move out? You really need to go back and tell her that you are not leave. If she wants to leave, she can. But it's your home every bit as much as hers and you cannot afford to live elsewhere.


You cannot fix anything if the two of you are separated. If you stay in the house, you have a chance to fix things.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If she doesn't want to try and help make this work you can't do it alone.

You're young file for divorce and get out now.


----------



## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

That loneliness is a traumatic feeling and it's hard to believe it, but you are not the only one feeling what you are feeling right now.

But I ask you to put that aside for your own future self. *Move back. Get a lawyer. *

There were and are so many before you going through the same, if not worse. Learn from our collective experience and understand that moving out is the wrong thing to do. 

Move back.
Get a lawyer. 

Come back here for the next steps.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tonight might be a good time to go back home....you just might find that proof of an affair right inside your home.


----------



## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Westwood said:


> Does anyone have any words of encouragement please?


You two still obviously love each other. Separation doesn't mean the marriage is dissolved forever; sometimes you need to put some distance between yourself and your spouse before you can become closer.

First, moving back home would be a good move. Separating has likely demonstrated to your wife that losing you is a real possibility. Now is the time to reconcile. You can't resolve anything over the phone.

Next, talk with your wife about your concerns. This includes her inappropriate relationship with her co-worker. Ask her directly if she had an affair. She needs to be truthful with you about this if you are ever going to move forward and get past this.

With that said... it's not healthy to put all your eggs in one basket. You should have friendships outside your marriage. You cannot rely on your wife exclusively for friendship and companionship. Otherwise, you'll have nobody to turn to when you're upset with her!


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

Thanks for your replies.

The reason I left the house was because I wouldn't be able to buy her half out. There is a chance that she can still afford to live there, so it seemed to make sense for it to be me that goes. My wife has offered to get me my financial half of things quickly with the help of her family, so we wouldn't have to wait for the house to sell.

I realise in hindsight that a life where it was just me and her, with no friends, was not a good idea. I had a romantic vision in my head that we were enough for each other and I truthfully didn't really feel lonely for most of the time. I'm shy and self-conscious, so going out and making friends now seems so daunting.

At the moment, I just want her back and I want to solve all of the reasons why we were unhappy. The reasons behind everything seem so obvious now. However, my wife says that she thinks it's too late to save things.


----------



## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Did she say she loves you, but no longer "in love" with you? Just wondering...that often seems to indicate a new person in the mix.

I moved out last year when my husband said he no longer wanted to be together. But that was partly because I wanted to go anyway, and also did not like the house anyway. I am not sure it really matters who moves out; it depends where you live and if your wife will be honest and admit she asked you to go. I am in the middle of a divorce now and my husband has not disputed that he was the ine to ask me to move. But we live in a state where everything is split 50-50 by a judge unless we work out our own settlement.

Still, you are not at that point yet, unless she does have someone else. That is what you need to find out. Also, whether or not she will consider joint counseling. I am guessing she may have met someone, and whether she has had an affair or not, she is considering it. Most people do not want to end their marriages unless there is someone else in the picture, it seems, unless there is abuse, though I admit neither applied in my case...we had been married for twenty years and simply stopped communicating, but there were health issues, depression, other factors, etc. 

You need to find out what is really going on before anything else, so you will have a better idea if the marriage can be saved.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

Yes, Jane139, she has said she "loves me" but doesn't "love me like that" at the moment.

I live in the UK. She says she will be reasonable and give me half of the house value, but it will mean going from a dream house to a small flat. It's just one of many things that has just been turned upside down.

I know the person who was sending the messages is still in the picture, at least as a friend. The trouble is, I have no way of proving what, if anything, happened. Perhaps if I knew for certain I would feel a lot better about everything.


----------



## cmckinnon17 (Jul 2, 2015)

Westwood said:


> I know the person who was sending the messages is still in the picture, at least as a friend. The trouble is, I have no way of proving what, if anything, happened.


There doesn't have to be anything physical going on for it to be an affair there are emotional affairs as well. If they were sending inappropriate texts back and foth then there was/is most likely an emotional affair going on. That is what happened with my wife. She started having an emotional affair with a co-worker which I found out about, sending inappropriate messages through facebook. It hurts just as much as a physical affair.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

cmckinnon17 said:


> There doesn't have to be anything physical going on for it to be an affair there are emotional affairs as well. If they were sending inappropriate texts back and foth then there was/is most likely an emotional affair going on. That is what happened with my wife. She started having an emotional affair with a co-worker which I found out about, sending inappropriate messages through facebook. It hurts just as much as a physical affair.


No, you are right. I just wish I had found out what was going on properly. 

I just feel so lost right now. I've gone back to my parents house and told them what's happened. I am going to stay here for a few days.

I feel like i'm in deep shock.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Westwood said:


> No, you are right. I just wish I had found out what was going on properly.
> 
> I just feel so lost right now. I've gone back to my parents house and told them what's happened. I am going to stay here for a few days.
> 
> I feel like i'm in deep shock.


Man, I did the same.

At a similar age (I was 26 or 27), going from having a place with my wife and a car and stuff, to sitting in my mom's spare room with a suitcase full of clothes and my playstation and nothing else.

#1 get a lawyer.
#2 stop paying any bills on a place you don't live in.
#3 get your name off the joint account and open your own, where your paychecks go
#4 list the property for sale

I sat there for months wallowing because she wouldn't tell me what the hell was wrong, or even if it was over for sure. And she used that time to get all of our stuff while paying for nothing. And **** some other guy in our marriage bed, of course.

So don't let that happen. She will get the shock of her life, I'm guessing. Better it comes sooner rather than later.

Oh, and beware false reconciliations if that happens soon after you do the stuff I listed.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

marduk said:


> Man, I did the same.
> 
> At a similar age (I was 26 or 27), going from having a place with my wife and a car and stuff, to sitting in my mom's spare room with a suitcase full of clothes and my playstation and nothing else.
> 
> ...


This^^^
Plus get a voice activated recorder to protect yourself.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

I had an interesting chat with my father last night, who unbeknown to me had been through a very similar situation at about the same age as well, before he met my mother.

I feel a bit better now I'm around people, than just being on my own.

As for my wife, she is just saying that we didn't get along and not showing much interest in how I am really. I know from intercepted messages that the "other man" met with her yesterday morning and then drove her home from their work. I have suspicions that he may have stayed the night, as usually there is messages late at night and first thing in the morning from him. This time there's none. It's unusual to say the least.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Westwood.

Yea it sucks. It is what it is. Keep posting, I know you loved the woman you married, I know how vitally precious the hope and dreams you had/have for your marriage. I know this is even worst then a death of a parent or a sib. I know right now you are despairing of your manhood. I know in some part of your mind you believe she has traded you in for a better man. That it is your fault for not being a better man. How am I doing? First BULLSHYT on that.

There are a thousand and one valid reasons to end a marriage. But an adulteries affair is only the fault of the adulterer. PERIOD. This is BEDROCK. Truth that you will come to know: Her AP is an even bigger loser then she is. Why did he deliberately choose to take up with a married women? He is no better then a person who stands by and watches a person get raped and says not my problem. What would say to that person. Keep postings, it will help you heal, and face up to own your personal mistakes. Not her's and not her adultery!!! Understand this, own this, be this. You will heal.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Hi Westwood.
> 
> Yea it sucks. It is what it is. Keep posting, I know you loved the woman you married, I know how vitally precious the hope and dreams you had/have for your marriage. I know this is even worst then a death of a parent or a sib. I know right now you are despairing of your manhood. I know in some part of your mind you believe she has traded you in for a better man. That it is your fault for not being a better man. How am I doing? First BULLSHYT on that.
> 
> There are a thousand and one valid reasons to end a marriage. But an adulteries affair is only the fault of the adulterer. PERIOD. This is BEDROCK. Truth that you will come to know: Her AP is an even bigger loser then she is. Why did he deliberately choose to take up with a married women? He is no better then a person who stands by and watches a person get raped and says not my problem. What would say to that person. Keep postings, it will help you heal, and face up to own your personal mistakes. Not her's and not her adultery!!! Understand this, own this, be this. You will heal.


Thanks for that, very inspiring post.

It's just horrible when you put your faith in someone and just don't think things would come to this. I've spent a long time questioning whether or not we were right for each other in some ways, but I just always thought we'd make the most of it and be together for the rest of our lives.

What I've also come to realise is that it's not just the loss of the partner, it's the loss of my relationship with her family, it's the loss of our lovely house and area, it's the loss of so many things. Even if she does pay up, I'm going to live somewhere that's not a patch on where we lived together. That really depresses me.

At the moment, memories of our life together flooding into my brain every time I see something, hear something or read something. I feel so, so sad about everything. I just wish I could see a happy future, but at the moment I just can't.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Westwood, your WS (wayward spouse) and her AP (affair partner) are in a fog. The fog is a separate reality that has nothing to do with reality. It is a persons attempt to justify an evil action. My ex create a whole new reality of herself and myself to justify herself. In this reality she hated me and used that to harm me in any possible way she was the victim only seeking to punish an evil doer. She wad egged on by her AP. An alcoholic who wet or dry was a drunk. More the anything else she wanted to fornicate in our home, in our bed with the AP. And yes she was a moral good catholic school girl who was a kind and thoughtful person TILL the fog hit. Read jasoncampbrell thread. A good man who spent years trying to save his wife and marriage. Read about how in the end he felt like he was talking to a captured serial killer who ENJOYED telling him every known and unknown act in one last attempt to hurt and humiliate him.

You need to accept at this point she owns you, see is using your goodness and love as a weapon. So let's begin over, starting with my marriage is dead, this part of my life is dead and is now a cancer. How do I first protect myself when I am at such a disadvantage ? You must accept this. If it is any help for now you can kid yourself by saying just because I file dosnt mean I can't stop it. Just because we divorce, we can remarry.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

She's cheating.

And yes, the sudden lack of late night and morning texts means he probably was in your marital home last night.

Go home....even if the plan is that she will keep it, she cannot make you homeless until the D is processed.

Get back in your house and tell her you know she is cheating with this POS.....and if she wants to screw around before the D is finalized, she can be the one to move out...you will be staying until you can find a stable living arrangement.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

dude you need to get on the ball....either keep her happy and get the money she is offering and give her a dead line to do this.

or move back home piss her off and and take her to court and fight what is due to you.

Sorry but you keep looking at this with emotion....it's time to take care of business...and right now your heart is getting in the way of the business at hand.

From were I'm sitting you can walk away with some money here!!!! 

Ya, I know it's hard but you have to much feeling and there is nothing wrong with that, but I am telling you if you wait you lose out more then you have.

If I was you I would tell her I want the money on Monday or I'm moving back home! But that's just me....then take the money get a lawyer and divorce her before she falls out of love with her new lover and wants you back.


----------



## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

There are good reasons to move out, as you stated them, however if you knew for sure she's cheating on you would you still feel the same way about moving out?

What if you find out some guy has taken your place in her bed?

Would you still think moving out was such a good idea?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm curious...how much would you take to buy you out?

Something tells me your wife could convince her parents to give you what ever you asked for?


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

Ok, big update for you all.

On Wednesday, she mentioned to me that she was considering taking in a lodger as she (genuinely) can't afford the bills. 

Thursday morning, I decided I wanted to go and see her face to face and talk things through. I drove down there only to find that the other man had MOVED IN!!!!

His stuff was everywhere, all over the house. Made me feel ill. He wasn't there though.

Her family also visited shortly afterwards and I told them everything. They were all shocked and couldn't believe it.

She insists nothing is going on. She sounds genuine about it, but even if that is true, it is so disrespectful to me, seeing as it's half my house, not to even tell me or ask for my blessing (although I obviously wouldn't have given it!).

After talking everything through with her, it's clear that there's no future (as if there was any chance before). I still feel devastated that things have come to this.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The moment that you realize you have been bamboozled is never easy.

Please read up on the 180. You will need it.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Oh man I am sorry you here,but your wife is not someone you should talk to,it is your lawyer.

She want to separate and booom,her new lover is already there.
The Affair was there,and that was here plan.

Divorce her and keep improving your life.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

She says he is only there as she can't afford to pay the rent on her own and he is also "homeless" having separated from his wife. 

It's true that my wife can't afford to live there on her own, but she was very underhand about getting him in there.

This is what I mean by convenient coincidences!


----------



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Westwood,

I feel for you and know what you are feeling, and a lot of your situation rings true to myself, married 9 years, together 10, ups and downs, moved away to concentrate on us, no friends in the area, family 8 hour drive down the road, and there was me thinking we were in it for life and we were enough for each other, then in July she decided it wasn't and my world vanished over night.

I can also totally understand the feeling ill at seeing another mans stuff in what was and in fact still is the marital home, although I know for 100% certain my ex has not been involved with anybody else at any stage since we got together 11 years ago, the thought of it, let alone seeing it is soul destroying. However, reading your comment that she seems genuine in saying there is nothing going on is a smoke screen given the other things you have said, and she can clearly see a means of getting either to you or through to you and is comfortable doing it for her benefit to avoid any major conflict.

Intercepting her messages is not good for you, of that I can assure you, knowing exactly what she may or may not be doing will haunt you every minute and you will have the compulsion to check on a regular basis only to your own detriment. Accepted some of that information may be necessary for an impending divorce and what goes with it and the why and what for, but beyond that it will only give heartache further.

Listen to the advice here, it is all good, yes it hurts, yes you are dizzyingly feeling battered and bruised, but do consider you are still young, approaching your 30's with the whole world in front of you, it is a good time, and in time you will realise that as things move on and you heal your eyes will open up to the prospect and take it onboard and start to live a life for you. I know you see no happy future right now, and everything just seems so lost, but it will get better, of that I am sure.

Hang in there and keep posting as much as is necessary to help.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

Shinobi said:


> Westwood,
> 
> I feel for you and know what you are feeling, and a lot of your situation rings true to myself, married 9 years, together 10, ups and downs, moved away to concentrate on us, no friends in the area, family 8 hour drive down the road, and there was me thinking we were in it for life and we were enough for each other, then in July she decided it wasn't and my world vanished over night.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your nice post, most appreciated.

I do feel like there's a future out there, but it just seems to scary at the moment. It's just not what I had expected to have to face.

I am in the United Kingdom, does anyone on here know what my position is in terms of evicting the "lodger"? I never gave any permission obviously, as only my wife did. I very much doubt anything has been signed either.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

So she was cheating in all likelihood.

Do you have the buyout offer in writing?

Is it really a good deal?

Since you have no children, I suggest that you carefully review the property division proposal. Do you have a friend or relative who is good with money and can critique it?

If you think the money is good, take it. Only make certain that you get this in writing.

Where is all your stuff?

re: getting her back
Is she that wonderful? Okay, here is how you can have shot at winning the prize (not sure she is one) back.

1) Read about the 180
Since you have no children you should go dark on her more or less. No more communication. If she is banging OM, she will only want to check and see if you are still waiting around. Make it apparent that you are not.

2) Hit the gym, start rowing, CrossFit, squash, martial arts, whatever. You need to get in good shape.

3) Buy some new clothes

4) Remind yourself to stand up straight and act cheerful
fake it till you make it

5) re: divorce – two ways to go
If she gives you the money, let her worry about the divorce. You are single and separate. The divorce is work let her do it.

or

File asap 

In any case, give the message, you don't give a fvck. Let her think, "Wow, he just got over me so easily!"

Usually WAW don't come back. WW maybe. Often when they have slept around and the new relationships left them as the booty call woman. If she is that, do you want her?

Is OM married?


----------



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Westwood said:


> Thanks for your nice post, most appreciated.
> 
> I do feel like there's a future out there, but it just seems to scary at the moment. It's just not what I had expected to have to face.
> 
> I am in the United Kingdom, does anyone on here know what my position is in terms of evicting the "lodger"? I never gave any permission obviously, as only my wife did. I very much doubt anything has been signed either.


Westwood, in terms of the lodger, I gather the house is mortgaged, well I believe most UK lenders have specific details on leasing and renting of the house, that may be a simple case of having to inform the lender of details, or them having to approve or make changes to the mortgage type I couldn't fully say, but it may well be a good starting point to look up if you are able to look through your specific mortgage contract.
In terms of evicting directly, I think that may well be a tougher job, I have seen the programs on TV (UK based ones) that even as a landlord with legal protection it can take months and thousands of pounds to evict tenants, not saying this is the same scenario but I suspect there will be a multitude of legal sins to cross. However I am no solicitor, so am by no means any kind of expect and merely voicing my thoughts.

Well, I think most people on here on the receiving end of an end to a relationship can safely say they never expected to have to face such a change, I know I certainly didn't. It is scary and it can be a scary world, particularly as a shy self conscious person, of which I can safely say describes myself to a tee, and it can feel lonely, what I would say is that you need to do for you and for you in mind. If that means going to the gym, taking a walk, doing some window shopping (as a guy for the tech stuff obviously) but just getting out there will firstly make you feel better, take your mind off things, get stuff done for yourself, and who knows who you may meet gaining friends and other interests, at least getting out give greater chance than not, but do it for you even if that is a spur of the moment thing.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

Longwalk - She insists they are not "together". She tells me that the OM is going through separation too (leaving not just his wife, but 2 children) and needed somewhere to stay. She can't afford the bills (that bit is true) so she says it was for mutual benefit.

At the moment, she says she is talking to her family, as she needs their help to raise the funds to buy me out. Her family have slightly turned against her after all of this. I'm chasing her up to get this bit sorted out.

Also, I'm insisting on having the home valued. I spoke to the agent we bought through last year and he told me that there should be a substantial increase on its value, which if true, would be nice. However, it would mean that she would probably have to sell, which means more delay for me, in terms of getting my share.

I've got pretty much all of my personal possessions, but obviously the house is full of more joint things, such as furniture, electrical bits, kitchen stuff, tools etc.

As for getting her back, I think it's too far gone now, even if she changed her mind.


Shinobi - Yes, it crossed my mind about the mortgage. Evicting him isn't worthwhile if it delays settling up with my wife. I only wondered in case we have to go down the route of selling the place. It's just such a cheek that he is there, innocent or not.

I am shy and self-concious too. I'm trying my best to keep myself busy. I can't really commit to anything where my parent's live as I may well end up moving back to near where my house is anyway, as I love it round there.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am from the UK too. The first thing you have to do beyond the shadow of a doubt is move back into the house and into the main bedroom too. Tell her that you will be paying half the bills until finances or house sale is sorted out. So there is no reason to have a lodger and make sure that she understands that if there ever is to be lodger while this is going on, that it would have to be a joint decision. Ask her to move him out and remind her that this is not even a legal agreement (no contract, rent book etc). If you do this properly, lodger won't want to stay there. Especially if you change the locks and only give her a key saying it is not to be shared with strangers. And move his sh!t around in the house (preferably into a shed or garage).


Next once you are back in your bedroom, tell her you know that she is cheating with said "lodger" and while he is moving out, so should she and maybe with him if she wants to continue fcvking him. Tell her that since she fvcked him in your marital bed, you need to disinfect the bed and take it out and ceremonially burn it in your back garden. This will certainly get her attention. And then ask her if there is any other furniture like the couch that they fvcked on and burn those too if she admits to it (which she won't).

Then start the divorce process, do the 180 etc (remembering to protect yourself legally with a good lawyer).


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Find out who the other mans wife is and find out what her story is.


----------



## Drew67 (Sep 16, 2015)

Not knowing is the hardest


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

Another update for you!

I arranged for the house to be valued on Saturday. The valuations were higher than expected which means that buying each other out is now a lot harder. 

I told my wife that I would be moving back in yesterday and that the other man needed to go. She refused to tell him, but I had his phone number, so I told him to. When I got back here, they had both moved. I had said to my wife that perhaps we could spend a few days/weeks together on our own here, just to talk everything through calmly and not do anything hasty, but she doesn't want to know.

To be honest, it's horrible here. Although we haven't been here for ages, there are so many memories here. I'm finding it really hard to stay strong.

She told me that she still wants to rent somewhere for 6 months rather than rush into selling the house. I feel like I want to reach some sort of conclusion about everything, but it just feels like it's going to drag on for years.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

I should just add about how lonely I'm feeling. When we moved down here, we moved away from our families. At the time, that felt fine as I had her, but now, on my own, it feels horrible. In the last couple of weeks my family have been really helpful to me and just being around them has made me feel less alone. I can still call and e-mail, but it's not the same.

If I moved back to my family and let my wife stay in the house, then she could potentially drag things out for years, which would mean I'd be stuck living with my parents, which isn't ideal either.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Get a lawyer, sell the house asap and move on. Your wife is stringing you along till she decides whether she wants you or OM. Do not be her Plan B. Speed up whatever needs to be done and move back to near your family.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

New update...

I started getting myself together and getting back into routine after I came back here to live. For a couple of weeks, this was going relatively well.

Then last weekend, my wife said she was in a taxi and was coming home, also implying that she wanted me back. She ended up staying here with me for one week and despite talking everything through, she's now left again. My brain was all over the place, plus she also changed her mind about wanting me back. It was a very confusing time, but she's now gone again.

I have a female neighbour, who's about 8/9 years older than me and has a couple of kids. Her relationship broke down earlier in the year and she had been cheated on too. She's been really nice, telling me all about what's happened to her and offering good advice to me. 

The trouble is, I've developed feelings for her. She's got such a nice warm personality and I feel like I wished I had been with her (or someone like her) all along. Last night I invited her round and we got on well. As she left, she squeezed my arm in a sort of "goodbye" way which for some reason left me feeling quite funny.

She's busy with her kids. I've been sending her texts and she always takes ages to reply. Also it's always been me sending the first message, rather than her. I feel like she couldn't possibly like me in the same sort of way. I also worry that I'm being a pain but she's too polite to tell me.

Part of me feels like I should tell her how I feel, but the other side of me thinks I'd just be destroying any chance of a normal friendship with her. 

Help!


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Do not start a new relationship with this neighbor.

You still don't seem to sure about what you really want to do with your own M.

Until you figure that out, avoid any relationships altogether.

So, when your WW came back for the week, did she admit the A and the full extent of it (I'm pretty sure since she moved him in and then moved out with him when you returned, this was a full blown PA)?

If she is not being truthful you have no chance for R.

Did you expose the A to both your families, all friends, and especially OM's BW?

If you haven't, its no wonder the A continues and she waffles back and forth.

You have to kill the A if you want any chance to save your M.

EXPOSE.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I agree with Dyokemm, you are in no condition to start a new affair, you need time to grief and process the end of this relationship. what your soon ex wife did means and bitter, you need to stop all communications with her except those related to the divorce. and if she is going to back to the OM she should know that she was with you...your neighbor might be kind and caring but she has her hands full and not sure she can support a relationship at this time....and you might be too needy as well....bad mojo for women. get some counseling asap


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

When my wife came home. She told me that she loved the other man, but only as a friend. She also said that they had discussed becoming an item, but had decided not to. She also said that he has since gone back to his wife and children. She insists that nothing happened physical between them. 

Therefore, despite her telling me this isn't correct, it sounds like that for whatever reason, things between them didn't work out, and she came back here in the hope that we could reconcile. I don't like being a fall back option!

I told both of our families the truth, so they all know. The only person I didn't tell is the other man's wife.

Xenote - I am really worried about coming across as needy, so yes, I think you have a good point there!

I think in my mind I have decided that I just want a better relationship than what I've had and I feel like I need to go and find it. I'm not too good at giving things time!


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Westwood, do not get into anything with your lady neighbor unless you want to hurt her and destroy what COULD be a decent relationship. Just because she relates, does NOT mean she understands you, nor you her. You are dying for any kind of connection to something sane in the world and right now, she is the very persona of that in your brain. 

Sit on your hands. Heal yourself. Divorce and wait a year before you date. Do things by yourself so you learn to be happy alone. 

I suspect you do not want a rebound. Some people do after divorce... They just desperately need a connection with NSA. But think about why that need is there in the first place ..... I believe it's there because you have not yet learned how to feel fulfilled and happy on your own. 

Someone else will not heal you. YOU will heal you. Someone else should simply remind you of how much extra enjoyable an already fulfilled life is.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

Satya said:


> Westwood, do not get into anything with your lady neighbor unless you want to hurt her and destroy what COULD be a decent relationship. Just because she relates, does NOT mean she understands you, nor you her. You are dying for any kind of connection to something sane in the world and right now, she is the very persona of that in your brain.
> 
> Sit on your hands. Heal yourself. Divorce and wait a year before you date. Do things by yourself so you learn to be happy alone.
> 
> ...


 Thanks for the reply Satya.

You make a lot of sense.

I'm not suddenly interested in her because I want a NSA rebound. I feel like I really like her as a person and have done since I first met her.

I just suspect that she wouldn't feel the same way anyway, so probably pointless worrying about it! We have been texting a bit, but it's always me texting her first and she always takes a LONG time to reply. I don't want her to feel hassled and I think she would be too polite to say if she was.

I live a long, long way from my family, so bar my neighbour, I'm all alone and I'm just finding it pretty hard to cope with. I've tried joining a couple of sports clubs, but I guess I just want someone close.

I feel like my last relationship has been a waste of 10 years and I suppose I don't want to waste any more.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Just to echo the points already made. I understand therapy groups strongly urge members to avoid socializing outsidenof the group. This is to avoid exactly the problematic relationships your neighbor represents. 

Also the WS spouse, she needs a better PR storyline. Matt Matt has a thread "cheater script" look it up. If you are in a mood, print out some pages and forward them to her.

Sell the house, start looking for a job back home.


----------



## Westwood (Sep 7, 2015)

Hello everyone,

I have been meaning to post an update for a while, but just haven't got round to it.

I've been re-reading what I posted on here before and it's like reading someone else's writing. I am currently feeling happier than I ever have before in my life. I didn't expect to be feeling this way.

My situation now is this....

- I am still living in the house. It turns out that my wife can't get her family to help buy me out after all. The plan is to shortly put the house on the market and proceed with divorce. I should have enough to buy a smaller place on my own.

- My wife admitted to me just before Xmas that she slept with the man, although insists that this was after we broke up and that she was "drunk". She says they are not together, yet I have reason to believe they may actually be living together now. She just continues to lie and lie about things. The weird thing is, I don't miss her. I barely think about her positively. I see things around the house and have sudden memories about good times we had, but I've realised just how bad the relationship was and how much better I feel for being out of it.

- I pushed myself into taking up a new sport and through that, I now play it three times per week and I have met quite a lot of people. One of these places also do other social events with people of my own age, such as nights out, trips to places, cinema, pub quizzes etc. I now have about 15 people that I know pretty well and I can also say that I've got "friends" for the first time in many, many years! It feels great to say that. In fact, I rarely spend an evening at home anymore.

- I got talking to a girl online who has become a really good friend, my best friend in fact. She has given me an outlet to talk about how I feel and has given me great advice. She has made me feel so much less lonely than I was at the start. I really can't thank her enough.

- I had a brief relationship with someone before Xmas, but it wasn't working out and I put an end to it. I am now single again, but not feeling too bad about it.

- I feel like my life is now full of opportunities and chances. I feel a positivity that I haven't really felt ever before.


----------

