# Obsessive thoughts



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Dday was May of last year, D was final this past April. I'm dealing with obsessive thoughts about her cheating, constantly thinking about all that's transpired over the past 15 months. Anger, frustration,sadness, resignation and back again.

Just looking for advice from those who may have dealt with this or who are going through this type of obsessive dwelling on their cheating spouses and events of Dday and after, maybe even months or years after you divorced. 

It isn't that I'm thinking about reconciling, or missing her. I just can't stop thinking about it, and it isn't always the bad stuff, sometimes I think about the future, feeling better emotionally and finding someone new, but then that will dominate my thoughts. 

I was never this way before all this. This trauma has deeply affected me. I'm seriously thinking of returning to therapy. I would welcome any advice and/or personal experiences. If you are aware of any pertinent threads on here that too would be appreciated.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> I was never this way before all this. This trauma has deeply affected me. *I'm seriously thinking of returning to therapy.* I would welcome any advice and/or personal experiences. If you are aware of any pertinent threads on here that too would be appreciated.


If you are serious about it and you know it's for your own good, then do it. Get back into therapy.

The only way you can stop these thoughts is by working through it and then holding yourself accountable when you allow your mind to wander into areas best left alone.

Understanding that you're the only one doing this to yourself from this point on is key.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

One thing I used to do when I was obsessing was this:

Force myself to focus on the present. The sights and sounds around me, etc. Live in the moment. If I'm driving, I focus on the cars in front of me, the music on the radio, whatever. 

It's a way to break the obsession pattern...to re-train your brain._ Force _your mind to focus on the present.

Another thing to understand is this: 

Sometimes a thought enters your mind. What we can control is how we react to this thought. So, if a negative or stressful thought enters your mind, then you immediately follow with a positive affirmation. Something like "I deserve to be loved" or "I deserve better".

And finally, you cannot overlook IC. EMDR therapy really helped me overcome the post-traumatic stress. Find an IC who does EMDR.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Think about this, 

Do you control your thought or do your thoughts control you? Own them change them
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I have a friend who is like this. She is constantly bringing up his cheating husband and his girlfriend. I've noticed that as time has gone on she's done it less.

I was the same way with my situation. I used to talk about and obsess about it all the time. As time when on and I made a life for myself without him and found myself happier without him I stopped. 

It takes time and it takes making a life for yourself without the other person. If you find yourself happier as a result of your divorce then you are almost happy that it happened.

Also, if you are still obsessing about what happened with your former spouse, the last thing you want/need to do is get involved in another relationship. You need to move on and become free of your last relationship before you can embark on another.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I went through a period in my life when I got divorced from my first wife and I didn't know about her cheating until after the marriage was over, but the point was, it left me a bitter man and I had a habit of thinking that all women were the same and there wasn't one good one around. Silly huh? 

Got to a point that a really good friend told me that I was losing touch with reality and frankly, people were getting tired of me being so negative. In other words he told me to get over it. 

Well after thinking about what he said, I finally did and in time I worked it out with myself. 

Now with you, my advice to you is to go back to therapy and get it out of your system. What bugged me more than anything was I wasted a whole lot of time letting it pull me down and honestly, it wasn't worth it. Go get yourself the help and you can get on with your life. Best of luck.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

What will happen to you, in time, is that you will view your ex-wife as a sneaky, dirty, disrespectful, worthless b!tch of a woman who was weak and incapable of having a meaningful relationship with you. And guess what? She won't have a meaningful satisfying relationship with anyone. If she couldn't keep it together in a MARRIAGE, what makes you think she can keep her dignity in any LTR relationship with far less on the line?

You are the problem and you ARE NOT the problem here.

You are the problem because you are dwelling on the situation. You played a role in the divorce, maybe indirectly, and you are not perfect. I've been there too...but what will happen is that the pain will subside eventually and someone else will come into your life that is of higher quality and will completely change your world. 

You will begin to laugh at how pathetic your ex-wife was. I know I'm laughing at my ex-wife now, as I just got back from a romantic evening with my new beautiful girlfriend at her gorgeous home. I'm living well now. KARMA? 

You are NOT THE PROBLEM here because she screwed up the marriage, not you. Everyone fights in relationships, and no relationship is perfect and immune from conflict, but cheating is just about the lowest demoralizing thing you can do to another person you supposedly care about. Down the line, when her life is terrible again, she will have to look back and live with her decision to cheat and be a straight up awful person. If you don't think that sits in the back of her mind, you are kidding yourself. 

And the POSOM will have to live with this guilt too. Karma may not come to him in the next week, month, or year, but down the line at some point. Maybe he'll be married to someone else, and that woman will cheat on him, take half his earnings, kids, and leave him with nothing. 

You, however, will never have to live with this guilt, and you can move on with your life knowing that you were loyal to her until the bitter end.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You feel you were unfairly judged and you want that person to make a fairer accounting of you and to apologize for their actions. Of course this is unlikely to happen, so then what? Why worry about being validated by a trashy person who cheated on you?


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks to everyone, all excellent advice. It's so ridiculous to allow this person who put me and my daughter through such misery to still dominate my thinking. I will try to implement your suggestions, and head back to counseling.


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