# Desperate to find the courage to leave, don’t want to destroy him



## Akeshabelle (Apr 28, 2010)

I have been with my partner for nearly 12 years. We get on well, own a nice home together and rarely fight.

It is a very comfortable relationship, but I feel like we’re just friends. I have no desire for sex with him but I do find myself attracted to other people so there is nothing wrong with my libido.

There is a 17 year age difference between us (me 33 him 50). I was very young when we met and have changed a lot as a person.

I eat well and exercise. He eats terribly and is very overweight. I have tried to help by cooking him certain things or suggesting he comes for e.g. a run with me but he is always full of excuses. Either that or he calls me a “nag”.

I know I need to break it off. I've known for a while and I'm robbing both of us every day that I stay. Deep down inside I know this relationship isn’t right for me anymore. I want to travel, and I don’t just mean once every few years when we can afford it. I mean REALLY travel. Go somewhere different in the world every year, if only for a week. Keep my job but work overseas, even if only for a month. Serving drinks, cleaning hotel rooms, whatever it takes.

He is happy to just sit at home and pay the mortgage. If I am being completely honest I never wanted to be a homeowner and in the 3 years we’ve owned I’ve hated every minute. The responsibility, the cost, the maintenance. I allowed myself to be convinced by others that this was ”best” for me, the “wise financial decision”.

He has done NOTHING wrong. He still adores me even after all this time. He is a wonderful man, but in terms of us continuing to be a couple I just don’t feel it anymore.

Please help. How in the world do I say the words? How do I help him understand?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Akeshabelle said:


> I have been with my partner for nearly 12 years. We get on well, own a nice home together and rarely fight.
> 
> It is a very comfortable relationship, but I feel like we’re just friends. I have no desire for sex with him but I do find myself attracted to other people so there is nothing wrong with my libido.
> 
> ...


There is no way to say it nicely. It's going to crush him however you say it, although it would be harder on him if you started cheating on him & he found out.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's simple math really...

You miserable + living a lie < him being with someone living a lie + your agony telling him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Akeshabelle said:


> I have been with my partner for nearly 12 years. We get on well, own a nice home together and rarely fight.
> 
> It is a very comfortable relationship, but I feel like we’re just friends. I have no desire for sex with him but I do find myself attracted to other people so there is nothing wrong with my libido.
> 
> ...


Then be clear with him. Tell him that he has done nothing wrong, but he has no interest in being physically attractive to you or in your interests and ambitions, so you are going to leave. 

He can scoff, in which case leave. He can get upset, in which case say you're sorry he is upset, but he can see the issue. He can get angry and try to make you feel guilty. 

Either way, you have made your move and your give him a final chance to actually get in shape.

You seem to not want to leave, but feel you cannot stay in a relationship in which you are not listened to. He is scared of moving outside of his comfort zone and you feel trapped by the comfort zone. This is not unusual, and women in their mid-thirties often feel life slipping away. I imagine the claustophobia here is also that he might feel that he lived life, then settled down, but you still have your life to live and did not have a chance?

Do you think the marriage could be saved if he took this seriously?

Also, do you do many things by yourself? Do you have an OK job? I ask, as you do not seem to be very independent and you do not need his permission to be independent. You might not be as trapped as you feel. Are you able to go away for a weekend by yourself?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry, but I see no hope here. Your age gap is too great. You'll be entering the prime time of your earning potential (40 - 55) while he'll be heading toward his retirement. When you're to the point where you'll want to travel a lot after being established, he'll want to stay around the house and looking for the early bird special at your local diner for a fun time. You work out because you're close to your physical prime while he's probably thinking that he's at the age where he doesn't care to keep up with his health so much. 

Divorce. Find someone your age and live your life. He's actually lived awhile before snatching you away from the opportunity to live a little before getting hitched. IMHO, guys like him are cradle robbers, and being attracted to an 18 year old girl when you're 35 screams immature man. JMHO.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Are you married? If you are married then I would advise marriage counseling because you have made promises to him. 
This is one of the reasons that I am against relationships with such a large age gap, they so often run into serious problems.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Divorce him. You only have one life, don't waste it. We are all young and stupid. We all make mistakes. Marriage isn't a life sentence of doom and misery... it's why 50%+ of us divorce. The other 40% that don't get divorced are stuck in miserable marriages.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Divorce him. You only have one life, don't waste it. We are all young and stupid. We all make mistakes. Marriage isn't a life sentence of doom and misery... it's why 50%+ of us divorce. The other 40% that don't get divorced are stuck in miserable marriages.


You are very wrong, there are loads of good happy marriages around.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yes, 10%. I was in a sham of marriage for 7 years and made it look perfect to everyone else.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What income levels are we talking about for both of you? And why is he not receptive to travel?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sorry, but I see no hope here. Your age gap is too great. You'll be entering the prime time of your earning potential (40 - 55) while he'll be heading toward his retirement. When you're to the point where you'll want to travel a lot after being established, he'll want to stay around the house and looking for the early bird special at your local diner for a fun time. You work out because you're close to your physical prime while he's probably thinking that he's at the age where he doesn't care to keep up with his health so much.
> 
> Divorce. Find someone your age and live your life. He's actually lived awhile before snatching you away from the opportunity to live a little before getting hitched. IMHO, guys like him are cradle robbers, and being attracted to an 18 year old girl when you're 35 screams immature man. JMHO.





GuyInColorado said:


> Divorce him. You only have one life, don't waste it. We are all young and stupid. We all make mistakes. Marriage isn't a life sentence of doom and misery... it's why 50%+ of us divorce. The other 40% that don't get divorced are stuck in miserable marriages.


There are big problems in the marriage. However, making the situation and the consequences clear is a prudent first step before proceeding with divorce.

I am glad TAM is not in charge of the nuclear button.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think you should start with stating your needs and ask if he is on board - that you need a man who can keep up with you and that means he needs to take care of his health. He can join you at the gym or other activity if that makes it more interesting for him but he needs to take care of himself. Tell him you want to sell the house, buy a condo or patio home (or rent - but the condo offers him some security) and travel. Is he naturally curious and adventurous at all? Open to other cultures? Perhpas you can agree on a trip every year and some weekends away during the year as a compromise to a gypsy lifestyle. 

But in the end if he doesn't want to do any of these things, you simply married before you evolved into who you are. I did, too - that plus my picker was wrong and I married a narcissist, but I grew and changed a LOT in my late 20s and early 30s.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm a little hesitant to weigh in on the this until OP actually comes back, but with a 19 year difference I know a thing or two about age differences. 

This was a disaster because you were 21..... that's ridiculous. In my view it isn't so much the age as the baggage difference. ....at 21 you don't have any and he did. If he didn't at his age he had bigger issues. The younger partner has to be out of their 20's and lived some before there's a chance this kind of thing can work. 

That's why the difference matters less the older people get.... nobody looks twice at my fil, who's almost 88 with a 75 year old wife. 

It was ridiculous for him to rob you of your 20's because he imagined himself younger, which is why that happens. 

I was 31 and hb was 50 when we met but we had comparable baggage in many ways. True our careers were at different points but that's pk, I'm making a lot more money than him and he's looking at retirement, but he's planned well and he's a great house husband so I'm ok with that. 

And we met at a 5k so fitness has always been important to him, and 11 years later it still is. He worries more about his fitness than I do. 

I think you need to end this, even if he makes some token effort to change. You need to live your life, if you don't you will regret it. 

You shouldn't have wasted your 20's on this guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm a little hesitant to weigh in on the this until OP actually comes back, but with a 19 year difference I know a thing or two about age differences.
> 
> This was a disaster because you were 21..... that's ridiculous. In my view it isn't so much the age as the baggage difference. ....at 21 you don't have any and he did. If he didn't at his age he had bigger issues. The younger partner has to be out of their 20's and lived some before there's a chance this kind of thing can work.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. I am seeing a lady 18 years younger than me, but I would not dream of trapping her, even if she thought it would be a good idea. That said, is done now. He has a huge task on his hands to save this. I think he should be given the chance and she should be willing to walk.


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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

Akeshabelle said:


> I have been with my partner for nearly 12 years. We get on well, own a nice home together and rarely fight.
> 
> It is a very comfortable relationship, but I feel like we’re just friends. I have no desire for sex with him but I do find myself attracted to other people so there is nothing wrong with my libido.....
> 
> ...


Every relationship has its up and downs, and now I see your issue is mainly around age difference, which is legitimate. However even if you move on and start another with with your age mate, you will find things that will put you off, probably worse than what you are dealing with right now. 

Please note: I am not saying that you forget your needs and stay in this dull relationship, but it seems there are some good things in there and the dude seems to care about you. 

Although you might not change him much, you can possibly change the way you view him and appreciate some of the positive things. Have you tried counselling together? Also, you need to sit him down and tell him that its not about him, but there are things you really want to do, things that you feel will make you happy. Tell him how much you would appreciate him coming along the ride with you, but assure him that you are not going to push him. 

I am thinking that you need to take time off and think about what you really want. For instance, can you agree with him to take some time off, and maybe travel alone for some time, like 6 months and see how it goes? Maybe you will realise that that is not what you want after all. Maybe he will also discover that he is is going to lose so much if he lets you go, and that might cause him to make some changes to meet you half way. 

Whatever you do, I feel you should try to save the relationship, then move on, when you feel you have exhausted all options.

Good luck


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Is it just the attraction factor or are there other problematic issues that you have not listed?

Do you have your eyes set on another man you know? It is a legit question so don't get offended. 

Let me ask you a hypothetical question: if your husband boarded the Tardis with Dr. Who and took off on a time warp and came back the next day thin and healthy, would your attraction to him return? Would you instantly fall in love again if he was fit?

Or is it his lethargy and complacent attitude that have turned you off and caused you to lose respect for him? Wil you ever get that back? Usually when a woman shuts off the breaker to the respect circuit, it stays shut off. I guess what I'm asking is, are you looking for support from us to back the decision you have already made...to leave him, or are you asking us if there is any way to turn this around and save your marriage? 

Finding cheerleaders here on TAM is easy. Getting good advice is a crapshoot.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Annette Tush said:


> Every relationship has its up and downs, and now I see your issue is mainly around age difference, which is legitimate. However even if you move on and start another with with your age mate, you will find things that will put you off, probably worse than what you are dealing with right now.
> 
> Please note: I am not saying that you forget your needs and stay in this dull relationship, but it seems there are some good things in there and the dude seems to care about you.
> 
> ...


Great post. I agree with everything up to the last paragraph. 

Separation never works, because once she gets out there alone she will get hit on by a parade of thin, attractive, younger men, and she would have to then deal with avoiding temptation. She would be an affair waiting to happen. 

She needs to stay with her husband and they need to work this problem together. If he refuses? She walks and walks away knowing she did what she could. 

I hate to see anyone throw away a a marriage for issues that are solvable. These issues she has with her husband are completely solvable if they both value the marriage and work at saving it together.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The travel and adventure lifestyle requires serious financial resources - it's all too easy to think you can teach English in Albania but in reality it's a lot more.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

john117 said:


> The travel and adventure lifestyle requires serious financial resources - it's all too easy to think you can teach English in Albania but in reality it's a lot more.


Soooooooooooo True. 

OP...Do you have the resources available for the life you are describing? 

Could this just be you...hitting a point...starting to look back...wondering...is this it? Because that happens to EVERYONE...don't blow up your life because you think you might, possibly, be missing out on something...Because, everywhere you go -the constant will be you. You didn't not get where you are by accident -it was many choices, made everyday, for YEARS.


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## Akeshabelle (Apr 28, 2010)

First of all everyone, thanks for your answers.



Mr The Other said:


> Also, do you do many things by yourself? Do you have an OK job? I ask, as you do not seem to be very independent and you do not need his permission to be independent.


I do things by myself all the time, but not by choice. I wish I had someone to come e.g. swimming with me, but he is embarassed about his body and won’t join me. Nor will he make any effort to change his body though.

For years I did nothing without him, but I got sick of waiting for to him to make the changes he kept promising to make so just began doing things on my own.



john117 said:


> What income levels are we talking about for both of you? And why is he not receptive to travel?


We make about the same amount of money, him slightly more than me because he does overtime some weeks whereas I don’t have that option. 

I suppose he doesn’t see it the same way I do. He says he would love to travel more but he wants to put his money towards other things too whereas I’d be happy to put ALL of mine towards travel haha. I don’t need THINGS. He does. 



Annette Tush said:


> you need to sit him down and tell him that its not about him, but there are things you really want to do, things that you feel will make you happy. Tell him how much you would appreciate him coming along the ride with you, but assure him that you are not going to push him.


That’s the thing though. I’m not too sure I want him – or anyone – on the ride. I’ve kind of reached a point where I want to be alone. Before him I was in TWO other long term relationships from the age of 17. I’ve never been on my own.



bandit.45 said:


> Is it just the attraction factor or are there other problematic issues that you have not listed?


I’ve recently realised that I have never been attracted to him. I know that sounds insane, but I could never figure out why I had no DESIRE to fix the problem, then one day recently a friend said “Maybe you were never attracted to him?” and it all started making a lot more sense. I guess I never even considered that as a possibility. I know I wasn't exactly drooling over him, but he had other wonderful qualities so that didn't matter, right? Right..

Sex even in the very beginning of the relationship felt forced, and now it is worse. It’s not that it’s bad or I find him repulsive, more than I see him as more of a brother or friend and it just feels wrong. People are constantly suggesting I try and “spice things up” but how do you reignite a spark that was never there?

So do I stay in a safe, caring relationship ENDURING sex for the rest of my life, or move on, possibly never find anyone as lovely as him but finally be able to enjoy sex again?

*Has anyone here ever left a sexless relationship?*



bandit.45 said:


> Do you have your eyes set on another man you know? It is a legit question so don't get offended.


God no. I can’t think of anything worse than being in another relationship, even a sexual one at the moment.



bandit.45 said:


> Let me ask you a hypothetical question: if your husband boarded the Tardis with Dr. Who and took off on a time warp and came back the next day thin and healthy, would your attraction to him return? Would you instantly fall in love again if he was fit?
> 
> Or is it his lethargy and complacent attitude that have turned you off and caused you to lose respect for him?


I always held him up very high and respected him a lot, but these constant promises with little or no follow through have made it hard.



MarriedDude said:


> OP...Do you have the resources available for the life you are describing?


I’m curious as to what life exactly you and other posters think it is that I want?

I am under no illusion. I don’t think I am going to travel the world for a year, working my way from country to country. I’d be happy to just take one or two trips a year, even if only for a week, with a budget of say $5k each. That I can easily come up with. I have lots of friends overseas who’d be more than happy to let me stay at their places. 

We’ve been together 12 years and been overseas twice. That’s nowhere near enough for me.


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## Akeshabelle (Apr 28, 2010)

Part of me is saying "Are you insane?! You have a man who after 12 years still loves and adores you. You own a nice home, have a life others can only dream of and you want to leave?", while another part is saying "You’re going to wake up one day at 70 years old and be devastated about all that you missed out on in exchange for safety. Take the leap".

Everything I want to say to him is like a smorgasboard of unkind things, too.

How the hell does one say "I see you as more of a brother", "I don’t want to **** other guys but I don’t want to **** you either", "Sure I love you, honey. Just not the way a girlfriend should", "Yeeeeah, I know you’re over 50 and may never be able to buy another property again but turns out I want to be alone now so let’s sell up" to someone who loves them?!

(My best friend is constantly reminding me that it’s not my fault he waited until his late 30’s to begin saving and therefore didn’t own a home until his late 40’s. I’m not sure how much difference that makes).


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I’m curious as to what life exactly you and other posters think it is that I want?

I am under no illusion. I don’t think I am going to travel the world for a year, working my way from country to country. I’d be happy to just take one or two trips a year, even if only for a week, with a budget of say $5k each. That I can easily come up with. I have lots of friends overseas who’d be more than happy to let me stay at their places. 

We’ve been together 12 years and been overseas twice. That’s nowhere near enough for me.[/QUOTE]

Well, was just asking...wqsnt quite zure of your actual situation. 5K twice a year..ok. 

You'll want to roughly triple that to have serious fun overseas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Akeshabelle (Apr 28, 2010)

MarriedDude said:


> I’m curious as to what life exactly you and other posters think it is that I want?
> 
> I am under no illusion. I don’t think I am going to travel the world for a year, working my way from country to country. I’d be happy to just take one or two trips a year, even if only for a week, with a budget of say $5k each. That I can easily come up with. I have lots of friends overseas who’d be more than happy to let me stay at their places.
> 
> We’ve been together 12 years and been overseas twice. That’s nowhere near enough for me.


Well, was just asking...wqsnt quite zure of your actual situation. 5K twice a year..ok. 

You'll want to roughly triple that to have serious fun overseas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Sorry I wasn't attacking you. I just wondered where I had given the impression that I want to live some luxurious travelling life. 

What do you mean by serious fun? All I want to do is spend time with friends and explore. I do everything on a budget. Always have. My perfect day in New York City is reading a book in Central Park. I'm the kind of person who dumps my stuff in a hotel room, heads to the nearest supermarket to buy food (so I don't have to eat out) and googles "what to do for free in [insert city]" haha. 

Again not too sure what it is you think I want to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Akeshabelle (Apr 28, 2010)

I went to LA (5 days) and NYC (7 days) in 2013 for $5k flights, accommodation and spending money. I didn't go to a Broadway show. I watched buskers in Times Square. I didn't pay for a tour boat. I took the free Staten Island Ferry. 

Have you ever explored sites like Groupon or Living Social? Some current travel deals include 8 nights on an island resort in Thailand for $999, 3 nights in Bali for $250. Trust me I've done my research. It's all I look at all day long haha.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The age difference is the problem. It gets worse as they age. My BIL was married to a girl 17 years younger (17 1/2 years younger as BIL is fond of saying). She put up with him going to work, coming home & smoking pot, never wanting to go anywhere or do anything for 5 years and said 'adios'. Of course, there were promises of changing - promises to get her off his back. 

Personally, I've never understood why young girls want an old fart. And, at 18 yrs old a 25 year old is an old fart. Then you factor in mortality rates and you can bet there will be some fairly young widows.

Since you're not married, you should have an easier time cutting all the strings.


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## Akeshabelle (Apr 28, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> The age difference is the problem. It gets worse as they age. My BIL was married to a girl 17 years younger (17 1/2 years younger as BIL is fond of saying). She put up with him going to work, coming home & smoking pot, never wanting to go anywhere or do anything for 5 years and said 'adios'. Of course, there were promises of changing - promises to get her off his back.
> 
> Personally, I've never understood why young girls want an old fart. And, at 18 yrs old a 25 year old is an old fart. Then you factor in mortality rates and you can bet there will be some fairly young widows.
> 
> Since you're not married, you should have an easier time cutting all the strings.


Well he wasn’t an old fart when we met, unless you consider 38 old fart territory.

Before him I had been with boys. Immature, lazy boys. Then I met a man. A man who didn’t think sexist jokes were funny. A man who didn’t sleep in until noon. A man who didn’t go out drinking with his buddies all night. I thought it was what I needed. 

Honestly I know what I have to do. My concern is how to word it to him. It’s important to me that I make it clear that I do love him… just not the way a girlfriend should. I know he probably isn’t going to believe me (and perhaps even some of you here don’t), but I do love him. That’s why I am finding it so difficult to say what I need to. I’m getting to that horrible point so many people do where I wish he’d do something wrong to make it easier!

There is a big difference between 21 and 33. I have outgrown him and the relationship.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Age is not the defining factor in whether someone is an old fart. Their outlook on life, their zest for life and their interests and activities are deciding factors. I've known 80 year old men who were not old farts and 20 year old men who were.


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## Akeshabelle (Apr 28, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Age is not the defining factor in whether someone is an old fart. Their outlook on life, their zest for life and their interests and activities are deciding factors. I've known 80 year old men who were not old farts and 20 year old men who were.


That’s true.

Well, when we first met he never had much of a zest for life, but then neither did I. It’s only in the past few years (around when I turned 30) I’ve begun to become more adventurous, eaten better, exercised more, my interests have changed etc. 

He certainly was a party animal when we met. Then one day at 42 he just decided he was “over it” and stopped going out. Unfortunately I was only 25! It was around that time that I began branching out and doing more things on my own. It’s a shame because we still get invited to places and events as a couple, but he never wants to go. He always says “You can go!” but it’s not the same. Especially when everyone else is also in couples. Needless to say thanks to years of declinations, we don’t get invited anywhere anymore..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Age is not the defining factor in whether someone is an old fart. Their outlook on life, their zest for life and their interests and activities are deciding factors. I've known 80 year old men who were not old farts and 20 year old men who were.


Thanks, "Young-in !"

This is so true...............rat-a-tat !
___________________________________________________
When I was 24 years old, my best friend was 68 years young. We fished, hunted, snow-skied, went bowling, you name it, we did it together. His wife........she was nice.......but old.

My young wife [at that time] had no issues with "Old Joe". He was like a big brother to the both of us.

Then again, I am an old soul from Mars.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well just be prepared for him to be devastated. I'd just cut it off hard and cold. Tell him what you have told us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many people end up staying in relationships they don't really want to be in because they are too weak to end them. They keep putting it off -- thinking they'll get out one day. That's the easy path but it usually ends up just being a fantasy. 

There's no good way to break up with someone. He's going to be hurt by this -- unless he's secretly having the same wish to be free that you are -- so just tell him that you've changed and want a different life and that you need to move on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Akeshabelle said:


> He has done NOTHING wrong. He still adores me even after all this time. He is a wonderful man, but in terms of us continuing to be a couple I just don’t feel it anymore.
> 
> Please help. How in the world do I say the words? How do I help him understand?


I really have a lot of respect for those on this blog who want you to try to work things out in your marriage. This is the best answer for both of you. But that is not what your heart desires.

As I see it, it is neither fair nor possible for you to do so [work things out equitably]. You have a [frozen-in-place] [seven-year-itch] whose clock is stuck at 1 minute before midnight. A clock that never stops alarming. A clock that screams get out...get out...get out. 

Your biological clock is ringing too. It's ding-ding-ding is telling you to get a move-on.. likely, a move-on to a virile new-man and babies. 

If you stay, YOU will be miserable and you will make HIM miserable. That is TWO miserable souls. 

If you leave, YOU will be happier and not miserable; HE will be miserable. This option leaves only ONE soul miserable. That is Les Misérables. A fifty percent drop in the misery index.

Your post title says it all: you want to leave but you do not want to hurt him.This mathematical solution will be a cold November breeze solution, eh? 

Not hurting him is not possible. You can get the [divorce] but the process will sting him like poisonous nettles. Nettles inject their toxin under the skin causing pain for an extracted period of time.

If you are determined to vacate your vows and your marriage, then do so with absolute transparency. And treat the not-so-old chap with utmost respect and kindness.....not. Dumping him is not kindness. It does solve your problem, however. I can support your decision as an outsider.

Oh, and this is important, you need to attach this to the kindness quotient you are going to divvy out to your SO. Wait until the divorce is final before you latch onto another man. He is going to be hurt, regardless. 

Him seeing you with another man will only twist the knife that is in his heart. I would recommend moving far away, out of sight and mind before the man that you say [you do not want], magically appears, his arm around your shoulder and his lips kissing the nape of your tender neck. 

I understand. No women wants to be alone, and not to be caressed by a lover of her choice.

Tell him the truth. You love him like a brother? He is your best friend? Then go to any means to prove this......as you leave his world and find your own.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

It will devastate him. If the marriage has been bad for him for awhile, he may in time thank you for leaving him. But I doubt it. 

You are a walk away wife. Your husband loves you and you don't love him anymore. You broke you vows and are thinking only of you.

Make yourself happy but take full responsibility of your future. He will no longer be in your life or your friend.


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## Akeshabelle (Apr 28, 2010)

Ok, first of all WE. ARE. NOT. MARRIED. 

I appreciate all the advice but please. This is a very important part a lot of people seem to be missing. 



SunCMars said:


> I really have a lot of respect for those on this blog who want you to try to work things out in your marriage. This is the best answer for both of you.


Why? Feelings change, people change. It doesn't mean the love once shared wasn't true or real. It just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow in different directions. Why should they be forced to go in the same one?



SunCMars said:


> Your biological clock is ringing too. It's ding-ding-ding is telling you to get a move-on.. likely, a move-on to a virile new-man and babies.


I don't want kids. 



SunCMars said:


> Dumping him is not kindness.


But staying in a relationship I know in my heart isn't right for me anymore is?



SunCMars said:


> I understand. No women wants to be alone


Ok, I appreciate you taking the time to write such a detailed response to me, but I am not sure you've read everything. I would LOVE to be alone, and I hate the idea that "no woman wants to be alone". I have countless single friends who are deliriously happy single. This is not the 1950's. Women don't need men to be happy anymore. 



SunCMars said:


> Tell him the truth. You love him like a brother? He is your best friend? Then go to any means to prove this......as you leave his world and find your own.


God, even I cringe looking at it. No idea how I am going to say the words to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

philreag said:


> It will devastate him. If the marriage has been bad for him for awhile, he may in time thank you for leaving him. But I doubt it.
> 
> You are a walk away wife. Your husband loves you and you don't love him anymore. You broke you vows and are thinking only of you.
> 
> Make yourself happy but take full responsibility of your future. He will no longer be in your life or your friend.


You might try reading her posts because there are no vows. They're not married. 

This guy hasn't even seen fit to take vows with her, unless he's tried and she shot him down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

It doesn't matter if you are married or not as you will break his heart and it will get ugly. 

But if freedom and being single is what you truly want then you need to do the "It's not you it's me" speech, disregard his tears and begging and execute your plan to hit the road. 

There is no kind or good way to kick a man to the curb. Saying you don't desire him anymore is gonna sting but crap happens and relationships don't always last forever, especially when you choose someone barely over half your age. 

Sit him down, tell him you have something you need to tell him and you tell him. Simple as that. 

He may beg you to change your mind or promise to get fit again but in your mind you are already gone. 

The pain of telling him the truth is the cost for your freedom. He'll be fine without you once the pain recedes but there is no getting around hurting him. 

Don't be afraid. It's your life you are wasting staying in a relationship you don't want.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> You might try reading her posts because there are no vows. They're not married.
> 
> This guy hasn't even seen fit to take vows with her, unless he's tried and she shot him down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




No vows, no foul.


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## Akeshabelle (Apr 28, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> This guy hasn't even seen fit to take vows with her, unless he's tried and she shot him down.


Neither of us want to get married – to anyone. We both find it unnecessary and antiquated.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Akeshabelle said:


> Neither of us want to get married – to anyone. We both find it unnecessary and antiquated.


OK, fair enough.

If you agree that's all that matters.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Just break the news to him and get it over. Like ripping off a band-aide. You'll survive. He'll survive. Nothing lasts forever. Time will march on and it will go by quite quickly. 

You aren't married and have no kids together, so this should be rather easy. 

A lot of us here, including myself, have ended marriages. The hardest part is making a decision and taking action. The hardest thing I've done in my 35 years was walking out the door with all of my belongings in a couple bags and knowing that my marriage was over. But 6 months later, life is great again. I'm the happiest I've been in forever. The hardest part for me was telling friends/family and having to explain it over and over. 

So here's your encouragement. Go do it. Post back and let us know how it goes.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry dear...

I hate firing my guns in the dark.

Usually I hit a barn swallow, or if lucky....a hoot owl. No hoots here. Just Jay calls.

It appears...I blasted an offbeat fruit *** that holds her cards close to HER chest. I can read Tarot cards at 100 paces and can usually augur a good tale, laced with Chantilly fringe deliberations.

I missed the mark....and now go for the Makers Mark on the liquor cart.

Sorry for the lack of feathers, I ate em!

AGAIN ;-}


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry dear...
> 
> I hate firing my guns in the dark.
> 
> ...


Do you write for a living? Your posts are very good. Just had to compliment you!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Do you write for a living? Your posts are very good. Just had to compliment you!


Thanks

I have been practicing for a long time. I need to pull the trigger.

Mercury Rising....and a Mark Twain common birthday.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

if you're truly unhappy, then you owe it to him and you to end the relationship. He may be saddened when hearing the news, but he will eventually heal and hopefully meet someone who he better matches with. Sorry you're in the situation, prayers for you.


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