# Low Sex Drive Cure?



## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

I understand the pysch and physical affects on the sex drive. Has anyone suffering from LD ever experimented with fantasy sex to see if that increase the drive? Either marital or extramarital? Thanks


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Generally speaking an LD partner has an abundant opportunity for sex from a partner thus there is no motivation for fantasy. To increase drive an LD partner needs to focus on relieving:

#1 Stress
#2 Low self esteem 
#3 Anger/resentment
#4 Boredom/depression
#5 Lack of trust
#6 Lack of respect from partner
#7 Underlying medical issues

...that is not a complete list, nor is the order above sorted in any priority. Now I imagine someone suffering financial stress could fantasize about winning the lottery or something, or someone depressed and needing adventure could imagine traveling to a new country. But fantasizing about sex will probably not be helpful until an underlying issue is resolved (if there is one).

Badsanta


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Agree ^

In other words grow up and take responsibility for living up to the expectations your spouse fairly has for you or explain to your spouse that you cant do it so wont fight them for material possessions and custody while they divorce you and find someone that is familiar with reality


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Generally speaking an LD partner has an abundant opportunity for sex from a partner thus there is no motivation for fantasy. To increase drive an LD partner needs to focus on relieving:
> 
> #1 Stress
> #2 Low self esteem
> ...



Well said. I wonder why I was LD, I have all of these. No underlying medical issues though. I know my medical issues and some of that is cause of the LD issues. I take an antidepressant which has totally killed my sex drive. I have no desire to stop taking them or to try something else because all of the other things you have listed affect my sex drive. And sex is not so important to me that I am willing to forgo my mental health. 


Every single one of those things mentioned affect my life and my sex life. 

Stress, OMG. Way to much of it.

Low Self esteem - So low I forget what a self esteem is supposed to look like. 

Resentment- Yeah spousal abuse has a way of doing that to ya.

Depression - I take meds of that, and anxiety to. Sex drive killin medicine. 

Lack of trust - Past history of CSA and Rape, throw in some verbal and emotional abuse from the current relationship. Yeah trust, there is very little of that to be had. 

Lack of respect from partner - Can't trust an abuser. 

LD is not fully my responsibility. A happy sex life is a joint effort. Two make a happy marriage and if one one person is not happy then the sex life will show it. 

In my opinion you use your sex life like a happiness with the marriage meter. Lots of sex or even satisfactory amounts of great sex is a pretty good sign all is well. Less then frequent sex or frequent but poor quality sex a sign that things are not so great.


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## TotallyDone (Aug 17, 2015)

peacem said:


> Its a really interesting subject and I agree with all of the above. I think bad past experiences can also be a cause of LD. Not necessarily abuse, but perhaps experience with poor lovers where a persons needs are not met. My experience is the more good quality orgasms a woman has (can only speak from the female perspective) the more she wants which in turn increases her drive. Some women do not experience orgasms until later in life either because they have never allowed themselves to experiment (because of the taboos around female sexuality) as well being with someone who they do not fully trust or does not have much understanding of female sexuality.
> 
> I am 42 and until the last year or so my H never considered whether I was satisfied after sex. It isn't that he is a bad person or even a poor lover, he just didn't understand female sexuality so it was often cut short once he was done and dusted. These days he habitually makes sure I have fully finished before turning over and going to sleep. This has sky rocketed my drive.
> 
> ...


I've come to suspect that my very LD STBX has an extreme case of intimacy aversion, and my understanding is that that comes out of early childhood trauma (emotional abuse and etc). Which matches her history. She always got her O first, before I went in for my pound of flesh, and the only reason she got only one was she refused additional O's (I know now the red flag that is!). I would have given her a dozen if she didn't stop me.

Never in the history of our 30+ year marriage did she eve show any interest in sex outside the bedroom on the odd occasion it was used for that. No toys, no masturbation, not even R rated "racy" movies, or books, or anything on her internet history.

I bounced back and forth between asexuality and intimacy aversion before I decided it really did not matter. It was not something I was going to be able to fix.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
There is a subset of LD people who do not believe that there is a problem, do not believe that they are LD and aren't motivated to find out more. They believe their partners are sex crazed, probably porn addicts who have an unreasonable idea of what sex should be like.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Does it really matter why? Every married person in the free world agreed to be married. Unless they had some freakish agreement to the contrary before the marriage, they knew sex was an expected part of the position. If they physically can be a sexual partner but they aren't being one and yet they are still in the marriage, they are a fraud. If their bad childhood prevents them from being in an adult relationship they shouldn't have entered into one and if they discovered after the ceremony that they couldn't be what they promised to be, they should have had the decency to leave.

I don't fulfill the expectations of a husband only on the days I happen to feel like it. It doesn't matter if I'm giddy thrilled with my wife or not on any particular day. I took vows and there was no disclaimer in there about "if you feel like it". 

If you are a husband, be one. If you are a wife, be one. If you are a parent, be one. If you have accepted a position to provide something for another human being then do it. If you find you can't, then turn your victim over to someone else who can provide their basic needs. When you leave, leave them as unharmed as you possibly can because it's not their fault that you can't or won't fulfill your promise.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Generally speaking an LD partner has an abundant opportunity for sex from a partner thus there is no motivation for fantasy. To increase drive an LD partner needs to focus on relieving:
> 
> #1 Stress
> #2 Low self esteem
> ...


That's a good list. But I believe the OP is looking for a cure or at least a list of helpful things to do to help the LD partner become more sexual. I think this could be a great thread if people with good martial sex experience give helpful tips on how to make the marriage more sexually satisfying.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Please don't tell me that you or your spouse are considering extra-marital "dalliances" to improve the sex drive of an LD partner (or yourself).

File for divorce. Find a more suitable partner. Or schedule a visit with a licensed sex therapist.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Heatherknows said:


> That's a good list. But I believe the OP is looking for a cure or at least a list of helpful things to do to help the LD partner become more sexual. I think this could be a great thread if people with good martial sex experience give helpful tips on how to make the marriage more sexually satisfying.


Oh that is easy! Just make the LD partner eat a unicorn-meat sandwich approximately 45 minutes prior to coitus as an aphrodisiac. 










Then go at in a bed suspended to the ceiling with the roar and breeze of the ocean in the background!










Worked every time, until radiant farms ran out of unicorns! :crying:

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Oh that is easy! Just make the LD partner eat a unicorn-meat sandwich approximately 45 minutes prior to coitus as an aphrodisiac.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'll pass on the Unicorn meat but the bed looks nice.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

peacem said:


> Hi Heatherknows.
> 
> Some people here will say there is no cure. Like every answer to every question it really should always start with *it depends*. It depends on what is causing a partner to be LD, it depends on whether both partners are willing to work on things and compromise, it depends on how much we are willing to understand sexuality.
> 
> ...



Thanks so much for this post. Just sent you a PM.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Divorce is the cure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

tornado said:


> Divorce is the cure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you thought of becoming a therapist?


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Heatherknows said:


> Have you thought of becoming a therapist?


No, but I have stayed in a holiday inn express before. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Heatherknows said:


> Have you thought of becoming a therapist?



Heather, past a certain age people don't change. Not unless they have to, and "have to" is incompatible with intimacy. A small number find their own desire but in general it is not a winning proposition.

And I like holiday inn express btw


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I believe withholding is a form of sexual unfaithfulness. After years of withholding, even if one's partner managed to rediscover their libido, could their spouse ever learn to completely trust them again? I'd think they'd live in dread that the "cure" was only temporary or superficial.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> I believe withholding is a form of sexual unfaithfulness. After years of withholding, even if one's partner managed to rediscover their libido, could their spouse ever learn to completely trust them again? I'd think they'd live in dread that the "cure" was only temporary or superficial.


His withholding wasn't used to punish me. He had so much to deal with that sex was a low priority. I'm committed to changing this behavior. I'll need to become a sex goddess I suppose. :x


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your needs are a low priority for him, you are a low priority for him. If keeping his marital vows is a low priority, the marriage is a low priority. If you and the marriage are low priorities, what's the point of having him around? Most adulterers don't commit adultery with the intention of punishing their spouse. Keeping their vows is just a lower priority than their own selfish desires.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> There is a subset of LD people who do not believe that there is a problem, do not believe that they are LD and aren't motivated to find out more. They believe their partners are sex crazed, probably porn addicts who have an unreasonable idea of what sex should be like.


And an equal subset of people who are sex crazed possibly porn addicts who have a completely unreasonable idea of what sex should be like. What it really comes down to is that long kept perceptions and personal histories can be a very difficult minefield to navigate; no matter if it's the low drive partner or the higher drive partner.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Heatherknows said:


> His withholding wasn't used to punish me. He had so much to deal with that sex was a low priority. I'm committed to changing this behavior. I'll need to become a sex goddess I suppose. :x



Have you tried putting a banana in his ear?


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Thanks for the replies everyone. The reason i asked the question is I have been taught that the human body is a large chemical factory. You eat food the body breaks down food then uses it to replenish what the body needs. And brain chemistry is a delicate balance. If you chemistry is off you could end up depressed and need drugs. But something can happen to you (death or divorce) that can make you depressed and your brain chemistry will change.(kinda the chicken and the egg) So if ur hormones are out of whack you can get medical treatment but I wondered if your hormones are balanced but you had a negative experience that could lower ur sex drive (abuse etc) could good sex increase the sex drive in a LD person? (yes i believe that therapy is needed to address mental issues involved with abuse) Peacem seams to have the closest to a real world example.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We experience emotions and urges but we aren't slaves to them. Following the dictates of their natural brain chemistry, most men would be having sex with dozens of different women every day. My natural brain chemistry suggests that I'd have more fun going fishing than going to work. I'm married and no longer live for myself. If I was only going to do what I felt like doing, I should have stayed single.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Unbelievable you are correct the human brain can override the natural brain unlike animals but we know that not enough testosterone in men or women have direct affects on the sex drive. My question is if you have experienced a bad experience that has caused you not to enjoy sex wont u have a lower drive than others? then you get therapy and work things out but have never had a good experience you may still have a low drive. But then with the right person you have a very good experience. Might u not increase ur drive?


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Blaine said:


> ... could good sex increase the sex drive in a LD person?


It's been suggested that I have a low sex drive, and yet I can't answer this. Sex, to me, is just sex. I don't really experience good sex or bad sex. It's pretty much always the same. This is what my LW took forever to comprehend. She suggested all sorts of things to try to 'spice things up' not realizing that I've never had any concept of spice. She'd ask if I wanted to try X, and I'd ask why anyone would want to try X... which dumbfounded her as much as it did me. Finally she began to understand that her suggestions weren't appealing to me because I was never taught that they were supposed to be appealing. I have a difficult enough time believing there's such a thing as a sex drive, let alone some low to high bell curve.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Mr Vanilla do you have any fantasies? is there anything about sex that interest you more than "just sex"? Is there no itch that you like or want to have scratched? Does it not matter the position or type of sex (oral, vaginal or anal?) that you find more pleasurable than another? Or is an orgasm just an orgasm?


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Blaine said:


> Mr Vanilla do you have any fantasies? is there anything about sex that interest you more than "just sex"? Is there no itch that you like or want to have scratched? Does it not matter the position or type of sex (oral, vaginal or anal?) that you find more pleasurable than another? Or is an orgasm just an orgasm?


My LW asked the very same question and expected completely different answers. As you have suggested, she assumed that there was some position or particular sex act that I had always wanted to try, but I have never had those kind of fantasies because I was never exposed to those ideas. I did have fantasies. They all revolved around having sex with a particular woman. That 'particular woman' may have been different - meaning that maybe one month it may have been about one lady and the next month it may have been about another. 

I had a sociology professor once say that if we saw someone we know in a crowd, or along the street, we might wave hello. This is an accepted cultural norm. The thing about accepted cultural norms is that we were taught the norms by our culture, and often we don't even recognize them. (We were taught to wave) This is relevant to your question because you're asking if there is _no itch that you like or want to have scratched?_ and I can't answer this since I never knew there was more than one itch to scratch. Meaning: I never was exposed to those ideas to begin with, and therefore never thought about them. I was never 'taught the social norm' that there were different itches to scratch. 

I was only 'taught' a few positions, and had such a bad oral experience that I never wanted it again. Anal was never presented to me as an option. I have always avoided the 'more pleasurable' positions so that I can out last my lover... and yes, an orgasm for me is just an orgasm. So I don't understand the idea of 'better' sex. 

When she began to first speak about options, and after I researched what she was talking about... my sex drive never changed. She was 'taught by society' that these options held some inherent erotic value. I was not taught this, so they don't have any erotic value to me. Even today, after a couple of years trying to understand our differences, many of the things she spoke of seem downright silly, and I can't seem to get the phrase 'familiarity breeds contempt' out of my head. Some people had lots and lots and lots of sex available to them and I had hardly any. That might have more to do with our differences in mindset than anything else.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Very good post and interesting to read...



MrVanilla said:


> Some people had lots and lots and lots of sex available to them and I had hardly any. That might have more to do with our differences in mindset than anything else.


A few acquaintances I have come across that have healthy desires DO seem to have some commonality of "discovering" things very early in abundance. 

For me it was finding a bunch of hidden VHS porno tapes hidden in under the pillow of the bass drum of my brother's drum set. I stole these VHS tapes, hid them in my bedroom and watched them every chance I got!










For another it was discovering her aunt's massager felt very good down there one day when she was playing with it. So good in fact that she stole it, hid it in her bedroom, and kept using it that way every chance she got until she found out the joy of playing with the boy next door!










Did I mention we lived next door to each other?

Badsanta


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Blaine said:


> Unbelievable you are correct the human brain can override the natural brain unlike animals but we know that not enough testosterone in men or women have direct affects on the sex drive. My question is if you have experienced a bad experience that has caused you not to enjoy sex wont u have a lower drive than others? then you get therapy and work things out but have never had a good experience you may still have a low drive. But then with the right person you have a very good experience. Might u not increase ur drive?


I wasn't around for your marriage but in mine, there was an exchange of vows about having sex only with each other. Her promise to have sex only with me made me responsible for her sexual needs. My promise to refrain from having sex with others but the burden of my sexual needs on her. No part of that vow exchange mentioned anything about libido, good experiences, bad experiences, good hair, bad hair, maintaining a certain weight, mandatory trips to the gym, perfecting any particular bedroom skills, etc. It seems simple enough to me. If you are married and your spouse wants sex, you have sex (with reasonable frequency and interest). If you can't bring yourself to have sex with your spouse, you've already left the marriage. Get back in the game or make your abandonment of your spouse legal. If someone is in a marriage and they aren't a wife or a husband, what are they? The job is life mate. Mating is a big part of the job description. 
If LDs were honest before their nuptials and told their intended that they would be going months or years without sex, almost none would be married. 

In what other role of your life are you free to "do" or "not do" as you please and still retain the relationship. If you didn't perform the job you were hired to do for months or years at a time would your boss accept your excuse that bad crap happened to you as a kid? You were an adult when you took the job. The fact that you accepted the job was your testament that you mentally and physically could do the job and that you would do it. 

How long would my wife keep me around if I just decided that I didn't feel like working ever again and I didn't care if she ate, had a place to live, etc? Even if I blamed my lack of desire on brain chemistry or that my uncle touched me when I was 10, she'd expect me to figure it out and resume bringing home a paycheck. We wouldn't be still discussing my lack of labor desire 10 years after the wedding and probably not even 10 months after. 

Refuse to work, you get fired. Refuse to pay your bills, the bank takes your house and car. Refuse to feed your kids, you get locked up. Refuse to feed your dog or cat you can get locked up. Refuse to cut your lawn, the city fines you and may put a lien on your property. Refuse to have sex with the person you promised to have lifelong sex with, the only person on earth who has a right to expect sex from you and the only person on earth who isn't supposed to have sex with anyone else and you expect no adverse consequences? 

There are any number of reasons why someone might have LD. Get to a doctor or a shrink or a therapist or all of the above and get it figured out. Until you do, your body still physically functions.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The LD brain can be rewired and a stronger sex drive can be achieved.

@MrVanilla, you say that your lack of sex drive was based on the fact that you never learned, were never exposed to, were raised in an environment that completely excluded any hint or mention of the drive to have sex. This is not uncommon. But this alone does not create a very low sex drive. Because if that was the culprit, than learning about sex and being exposed to sexual triggers would educate you thus awaken your sex drive. So it must be something more.

I submit that the something more is multifaceted but the fix remains the same. Exposure.

The neural pathways that provide the road on which chemicals travel, thus creating feeling and emotion, can be a super highway (built by regular and consistent use) a country lane (built by the occasional pass through) or a weed choked deer path that the untrained eye cannot see for all the other foliage hiding it (built innately but since it was never used it never developed.)

Thus, neural pathways develop because they get used. Use the neural pathways to develop and strength the sex drive.

Expose yourself to sex, to sexual desire, to sexual situations. You are creating mind pictures that your brain can latch on to when you reach for a sexual response. Look at nude pictures, nude art, sex scenes, read dirty stories and even look at porn. The point is you should be exposing yourself to sexually heightened images and situations regularly.

Expose your skin to tactile sensations that feel good. Use the mind pictures while your sense of tactile pleasure is awakened and heightened. In the shower sensually lather your body, feel the wash cloth slowly wend its way around your body. Towel off slowly and with care, paying attention to how it feels on your skin.

Intentionally bring your body to a state of sexual arousal as often as you can manage it. You don't have to orgasm, you just have to bring your body to a state of readiness, although orgasming would be extremely helpful for a woman to increase her drive I don't believe it is that important for a man.

Doing these things DAILY, even several times a day if possible, send signals to the brain on those neural pathways. If you are not experiencing libido killing thoughts or feelings, this will heighten your libido. If you are experiencing libido killing thoughts or feelings, you have additional work to do...in therapy.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> I believe withholding is a form of sexual unfaithfulness. After years of withholding, even if one's partner managed to rediscover their libido, could their spouse ever learn to completely trust them again? I'd think they'd live in dread that the "cure" was only temporary or superficial.


I see no difference in one spouse withholding sex and one spouse having an affair. They're both forms of cheating the marriage IMO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

tornado said:


> I see no difference in one spouse withholding sex and one spouse having an affair. They're both forms of cheating the marriage IMO
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that's sort of true. When I confessed to my husband about flirting with men online he, of course, said he didn't want me to do it anymore but due to his years of sexual unresponsiveness he said to me "I really can't be mad at you. You've been telling me what you needed and I didn't follow thru." 

Sexual needs being met are the same as other needs. If you need it then you do.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Thanks Anon pink you said it much better than i ever could. As far as cheating vs LD in theory its good but in practice humans are territorial and it is bad if your partner is not letting you play when you want but it another if someone else has been playing there


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

tornado said:


> I see no difference in one spouse withholding sex and one spouse having an affair. They're both forms of cheating the marriage IMO
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe withholding is worse. One could have an affair and their spouse might be completely unaware, feel 100% contented, adored, well cared for. There is no way to withhold affection from one's spouse without the spouse feeling daily rejected.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Also, if the world discovers you are the victim of adultery, you will receive an abundance of support and sympathy. Not a soul is going to say you are unreasonable for expecting sexual fidelity from your spouse. Very few people are going to suggest you jump through flaming hoops to persuade a cheater to be faithful but if you are being denied sex, you will probably be told it's your fault. Almost no one will make excuses for the cheater.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> I believe withholding is worse. One could have an affair and their spouse might be completely unaware, feel 100% contented, adored, well cared for. There is no way to withhold affection from one's spouse without the spouse feeling daily rejected.


I'm not sure it's worse. I believe the spouse always knows "something" is amiss. 



unbelievable said:


> Also, if the world discovers you are the victim of adultery, you will receive an abundance of support and sympathy. Not a soul is going to say you are unreasonable for expecting sexual fidelity from your spouse. Very few people are going to suggest you jump through flaming hoops to persuade a cheater to be faithful but if you are being denied sex, you will probably be told it's your fault. Almost no one will make excuses for the cheater.


I agree with this. I get little sympathy for flirting with dirt-bags from the Internet to supplement my starving sexual appetite. I really should you know. If I was single I wouldn't have given either of those guys a second look. If they sent me a sexy email I would have just deleted it and blocked them. LOL. Really great guys don't send you sleazy private messages especially when they KNOW you're married. Great guys leave you alone.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Can't catch fish if you don't dangle your line in the water once in a while. If it didn't occasionally work they wouldn't do it.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Heatherknows said:


> I'm not sure it's worse. I believe the spouse always knows "something" is amiss.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree with this. I get little sympathy for flirting with dirt-bags from the Internet to supplement my starving sexual appetite. I really should you know. If I was single I wouldn't have given either of those guys a second look. If they sent me a sexy email I would have just deleted it and blocked them. LOL. Really great guys don't send you sleazy private messages especially when they KNOW you're married. Great guys leave you alone.


I wouldn't say for sure the guys are sleazy, maybe they're in a similar circumstance as you, maybe they're wife is having an affair. I wouldnt call you sleazy either, I would call you vulnerable. When needs aren't met long enough humans have a desire to meet those needs. I'm not saying said activity is right but it is understandable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

tornado said:


> I wouldn't say for sure the guys are sleazy, maybe they're in a similar circumstance as you, maybe they're wife is having an affair. I wouldnt call you sleazy either, I would call you vulnerable. When needs aren't met long enough humans have a desire to meet those needs. I'm not saying said activity is right but it is understandable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just used the term sleazy because they were very aggressive. But you're correct, I don't know _exactly_ why they were acting out either. I do feel a bit sleazy for talking dirty with strangers. It goes against my morals and values but I did it anyway. At least I'm learning from my mistakes or trying to learn.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Heatherknows said:


> I just used the term sleazy because they were very aggressive. But you're correct, I don't know _exactly_ why they were acting out either. I do feel a bit sleazy for talking dirty with strangers. It goes against my morals and values but I did it anyway. At least I'm learning from my mistakes or trying to learn.


People make mistakes, the key is you learned from it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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