# Seeking advice re: porn addiction spouse



## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Had a previous thread about my marriage problems with husband not interested in sex with me and living like roommates. Now I fully understand that the lack of intimacy is due to his porn addiction, so starting a new thread here under sex and marriage.

1 year ago I suspected that my 30yr old H might be looking at too much porn and resulted in 0 intimacy in our barely 2 years of marriage, I talked to him about it, I cried, he acknowledged and said he'll change. 

1 year later, now 3 years in our marriage, we are at the same place again. Since I trusted that he was changing a year ago, I blamed myself mostly this year and had countless fights with him since lack of intimacy was trashing my confidence, caused low self esteem, depression, etc. Since my last thread on this forum seeking advice and another talk with my H, I just realized that he hasn't stop, hasn't changed, he's still occupying himself with porn instead of turning his needs to me.

Last night he said he'll change since he see that it's hurting me really bad. Problem is that this time around I am not convinced. I still feel sad and hopeless. He won't agree to therapy or doesn't believe that he needs help. He barely respond when I try to bring this problem up to him nicely on a normal basis, I have to raise my voice to get some response. And ofcourse when I raise my voice he thinks I'm complaining all the time and ruining this relationship.

I am convinced that even if there is change it will only be temporarily. Given any chance I'm not around he will just take care of himself again and fall back into the pattern.

I'm not against the use of porn, I do it myself from time to time. But I certainly cannot live with someone who only turns to porn for his sexual needs. 

Really don't know what to do. I'm not ready to give him an ultimatum, I still love him too much to do that. But how can I cope with all this without escalating my aggravation, anger and ruining this relationship furthermore?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Until you're willing to state and enforce your boundary, the odds he'll change is somewhere between slim and none. He has no reason to do so. You're just showing him that no matter what your words say, you're not going to do anything about it.

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymous388 said:


> I am convinced that even if there is change it will only be temporarily. Given any chance I'm not around he will just take care of himself again and fall back into the pattern.
> 
> ...
> 
> Really don't know what to do. I'm not ready to give him an ultimatum, I still love him too much to do that. But how can I cope with all this without escalating my aggravation, anger and ruining this relationship furthermore?


You know that he is not going to change. The only chance you have for change is an ultimatum which you are not ready to give him.

So if you are not ready to do what you need to do, it means that you are not really all that bothered by all the things you complain about.

You are at a fork in the road.

You have a choice to continue was you are... and grow into a bitter ,angry women. if you do, just know that you CHOOSE to be that way.

The fork that you can take is to give him an ultimatum. tell him that either he goes to marriage/sex counseling with you and stops all use of porn or you are filing for divorce. You give him 24 hours do decide if he will join you in marital recover. If in 24 hours he does not join you, you file for divorce.

So pick which road you will take.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

I don't know how you feel about porn but have you considered watching it with him and then having really hot sex when you both get turned on? How about you masturbate him when he watches? How about mutual masturbation as you both watch? How about you make your own porn as a couple?

He has this thing that he likes but the problem is he's excluding you from it. Would he consider letting you enjoy it with him sometimes and then other times you do things the way you'd like to do them? Love, communication, compromise, and more love. That'll get you through.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CincyBluesFan said:


> I don't know how you feel about porn but have you considered watching it with him and then having really hot sex when you both get turned on? How about you masturbate him when he watches? How about mutual masturbation as you both watch? How about you make your own porn as a couple?
> 
> He has this thing that he likes but the problem is he's excluding you from it. Would he consider letting you enjoy it with him sometimes and then other times you do things the way you'd like to do them? Love, communication, compromise, and more love. That'll get you through.


I suppose you have not read her other threads.

Porn is his mistress. The last thing he wants is to touch a live women.

Suggesting that she masturbates to HIM watching port and him jacking off is like asking a woman to join her husband and his affair partner and for her to masturbate while he is having sex with his affair partner.

How about her husband showing love, communication and compromise and more love?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How about her husband showing love, communication and compromise and more love?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Install opendns parental controls on your network and you keep the password. It's free, no more porn at home


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Porn is exciting because it's fantasy.

IT'S NOT REAL...

No man who is married (ok, maybe one in a thousand) b*ngs nubile young 20-somethings who are fully made-up, wearing wigs and hair extensions, tanning beds and spray-tans, breast implants, shaved privates, fake nails, stiletto heels, AND -- their equally attractive nubile friend (neighbor, co-worker, cheerleader, MILF), substitute in whatever the porn "script" calls for -- wants to join his WIFE and her portly, paunchy, out-of-shape, Beta, low self-esteem husband for a THREESOME!!! Just what those beauty-licious 20-something girls are dying for! *yeah, right*

Your husband needs counseling for sex addiction PRONTO.

Otherwise, it will just be more of the same.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"How about her husband showing love, communication and compromise and more love?"

That would be a fine answer if her husband was an average guy who would rather have sex with his wife. But then she would not be here asking for advice if that was the case.

The question has to be why is he behaving this way? 

Is he the type of person who is only sexually attracted in the beginning?

Does porn give him something he would otherwise not get?



"Suggesting that she masturbates to HIM..."
That was not a suggestion -you need to re read the post.

Frankly, since this seems to be an ongoing problem CincyBluesFan is the best advice so far. 

Like the old saying goes -If you can't beat 'em -join 'em

When you find yourself married to a person with some before unknown sexual fetish or dysfunction and they are not willing to go to therapy and you are not willing to force the issue. The only options are to live with it or work with them and try to change their behavior by creating something better. 

At least that is my opinion.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think this thread should be in the addiction section. If people do not understand that porn addiction is an actual addiction, you will continue to get people thinking you should join him. That's like a wife complaining about her husband's alcoholism and then telling her she should be getting drunk with him and it wouldn't be a problem.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"That's like a wife complaining about her husband's alcoholism and then telling her she should be getting drunk with him and it wouldn't be a problem." 


If the case was him addicted to alcohol and she was not willing to force the issue and he was not willing to get help or even try. 

Then her options would be to either live with it or try to work with him and make a better option.

Labeling it as an addiction does not change the circumstances. 

What else could she do?


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I suppose you have not read her other threads.
> 
> Porn is his mistress. The last thing he wants is to touch a live women.
> 
> ...


Different people have different things that get them off. Some married couples hook up with strangers. Some fall in love with other couples. Some men like to play the woman occasionally and have their wives put on strap-on's and go to town. BDSM, master/slave, food fetishes, foot fetishes, etc. There's all kinds of sexual desires. This dude of hers likes his porn. That's pretty harmless. He could like hookers, her friends, or the neighbor's wife. Now that would be tragic. 

Maybe she can join him with his porn. Has she tried this approach?


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

Anon, I remember in your other thread you mentioned he had rejected you many times. Have you tried seducing him in a fantasy porn way? Perhaps try that on a day he seems to be in a good mood, light some candles and drink some wine to help bring out the sexy lady in you (if it makes you shy), wear something really sexy and hot and be his porn. 

I'm not familiar with this porn addiction thing. I would think if you are still as hot as before, I dont see why he wouldn't want to take you if you make his porn fantasy comes alive. Otherwise... Any odds he is into men too?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Whether he's an addict or just an ass, if he's not willing to get help for the problem, the end result is the same. 

He's not going to change without a kick in the ass to motivate him. 

C


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

To move beyond the possibility of anyone thinking that I didn't' already try to satisfy him, yes I've tried everything. I'm not a shy girl and like I said, I watch porn myself. I've always been willing to try anything with my other half in any of my relationships in the past. And the same goes for my H. And I have not gained a pound or let myself go in any way.

I've proposed to watch porn with him, I actually like it, he said that's weird. I've asked him what I can do, he said nothing. He'll reject me when I approach him. This is what I mean by porn addiction.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

There is nothing that you can do to make your husband want you. The problem is not with you. It is entirely with him. You decide what you want to do about your husband choosing porn over you.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Anon,

Has a 12 Step program ever been a consideration?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

your husband is behaving like an emotional abuser. 

He is withdrawn from you. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions. He has no empathy for how he's hurting you. He's even twisting things around to try and make you feel bad. 

Porn can be a problem for many people. However your husband is making the choice to view it. The same as a cheater who chooses to keep cheating despite what damage it does to their relationship. 

Get some counseling for you. So that hopefully you can learn you deserve better and a marraige isn't supposed to look like that. The better and more confident you feel the less you will need him.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

I'm not sure that "porn addiction" exists.
What I can tell you, from personal experience, is that when your partner ceases to excite you, porn is a valid option.
Case in point, my wife thinks that the plainest most vanilla sex ever, delivered every third day is fine. 
Personally, I'd prefer at least once daily and with much more variety.
So, you end up with a husband taking matters into his own hands and eventually, a man who isn't really that interested in what you have to offer.
Possibly.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Cleancut said:


> I'm not sure that "porn addiction" exists.
> What I can tell you, from personal experience, is that when your partner ceases to excite you, porn is a valid option.
> Case in point, my wife thinks that the plainest most vanilla sex ever, delivered every third day is fine.
> Personally, I'd prefer at least once daily and with much more variety.
> ...


Well clean cut instead of turning to porn why don't you look on spicing up your sex life. Have you tried to work out what your wife's love language is? 

Have you don't anything to add extra excitement? 

What if she felt you weren't meeting your emotional needs and she used men on the internet to fill them? Would that be OK?

Many studies show the more porn watched the more men are I satisfied with their partners and sex lives.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

Sorry to the OP for the temporary diversion here, but it may be relevant.
Yes, Ive tried anything and everything to get her to express herself etc.
My point was that whilst someone may describe themselves as "adventurous and willing" their partner may find them to be "boring and inhibited"
It's all relative.
OP, is your spouse watching a particular genre or are there any clues that give away his particular "interest"???


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How about her husband showing love, communication and compromise and more love?


He has stated he would change but as EleGirl stated here...basically...actions speak volumes over words. H needs to show the changes and make them permanent!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> There is nothing that you can do to make your husband want you. The problem is not with you. It is entirely with him. You decide what you want to do about your husband choosing porn over you.


Ultimately it is your decision on what to do. The consequence of losing you might be what it takes to snap the porn viewing?


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

peacem said:


> I can only comment from my own point of view, but I suspect my own situation is not that unusual. My DH has a problem with porn, I have known it for years, he knows it and sought professional help. Whether it is what you would call an 'addiction' I don't know, but it is an unhealthy relationship that has a strong pull on him, it escalates and then he withdraws from me.
> 
> My DH can give up porn for several months, fairly easily. It is a great time because I get him back. Sex is great and we become very close as a couple. The pattern goes that he gives up porn for a few months, declares himself 'over it', and then he slowly starts again. It doesn't happen over night it will be a slow escalation until he is refusing sex with me, sleeping in the spare room, manipulating me into leaving the house.
> 
> ...


Just as an experiment try joining him with porn viewing. Even better, re-enact some of his favorite porn with him. Make your own porn then watch it with each other. Turn a seemingly negative thing into some really hot marital sex. Some people are into feet, some into food fetishes, some into porn. There are people into all kinds of stuff and some not into anything.

Maybe suggest some nights are porn nights and some are reserved for your desires.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I agree with peacem that you have to get to the reason why he is using it. 

In her case and probably yours the reason has nothing to do with your desirability. Maybe he has hang-ups or fetishes unknown or is just a lazy and inconsiderate partner. 

I also see some good in the advice that counseling may be helpful for you to help you cope with the situation or find the courage to find someone else. 

I think marriage gives him some responsibility for your well being (within reason) and he is not meeting his obligations.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Generally speaking porn is overstimulating. One effective way to deal with it is to replace it with something that is ALSO overstimulating but preferably nonsexual as to allow you an opportunity to work on that area of your relationship. 

One thing that if given the choice between porn and racing FPV quad copter drones with friends, I would choose racing my quad hands down!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70pusNNunMA

Then the real magic happens when it crashes and he needs some love!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Seeking advice re: porn addiction spouse*



usmarriedguy said:


> I agree with peacem that you have to get to the reason why he is using it.
> 
> In her case and probably yours the reason has nothing to do with your desirability. Maybe he has hang-ups or fetishes unknown or is just a lazy and inconsiderate partner.
> 
> ...


I wonder if he is using it to "punish" her. He could have issues and is resenting her for whatever reason.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

peacem said:


> Thank you for your suggestion. I don't want to hijack OP's thread so I will reply as briefly as possible (it may help her?). Would it surprise you to know that we DO make our own porn and watch that together. We both like that, more me than him because he finds it a 'distraction', but he still likes it every now and then. It is hard for people who have healthy sex lives with healthy attitudes towards sex and porn to understand what I believe is a very complicated, psychological problem. We do not have vanilla sex in any way shape or form. We have very good sex, experimental (I am HD and would get bored very quickly of vanilla sex). I dress up, sex toys, we both like anal, both like oral, I give bj's to completion and like to swallow. I like to write erotica and have dirty talk fine tuned like a pro. I am 41 and keep myself attractive, my appearance is very important to me. Dh does not have a particular kink, I have looked at a lot of the porn he watched and it is very varied.
> 
> I cannot convince strangers on the internet that it is nothing to do with desirability. It is to do with having a very conservative Christian upbringing, sadistic narcissistic mother who enjoys humiliating her children and has a weird attitude to sex, raised them to think sex is bad, shared a tiny bedroom with 3 other siblings, 1 bathroom between 7, no sex before marriage drummed into him. In short his problem is down to never being allowed to experiment and explore. In his own words he has 'never grown up sexually'.
> 
> ...


I agree about thread hijack. Your own situation is very promising though. He didn't get to do much exploration so now you get to help him with that. Unleash the beast, so to speak. My wife came from a very oppressed southern baptist background. I've really enjoyed peeling the layers of that dysfunction away over the years.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Many studies show the more porn watched the more men are I satisfied with their partners and sex lives.


Could be. But which came first - the correlation or the causation?


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

I actually agree that some fantasies need to be lived through porn. I'm fine with that. That's not a problem at all if there is a balance between fantasies and real life intimacy. Is there any couple out there that can have a connected relationship without intimacy? If there are any story that lack of intimacy due to porn addiction doesn't lead to divorce, I would like to know.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

CincyBluesFan said:


> Just as an experiment try joining him with porn viewing. Even better, re-enact some of his favorite porn with him.


Can you stop suggesting this? Some people have actually had to deal with the effects of their partner using TOO MUCH porn. Whether it's an addiction or not, doesn't matter. He is watching it too much and neglecting his wife. I don't think him watching MORE porn is going to help. 

My H has such an issue with porn. We are working through his problems, but I tried exactly what you suggested here. I watched porn with him - and it ended up being the ONLY way he would have sex with me. Porn had to be on in the background. Gee, that turned out real well. 

Look, I get that some people don't believe porn can be addicting. That's fine. Some of us know otherwise.

You wouldn't tell the OP to go gambling with her H if he was gambling too much and losing all of their money would you?

You wouldn't tell the OP to stick a needle in her arm with her H if he was using drugs too often would you?

You wouldn't tell the OP to go get drunk with her H if he were drinking too much would you?

So, why is this any different? He is watching too much porn. He is neglecting her. He needs to stop it. 

OP, You can't MAKE him do anything. You can make boundaries. If he crosses them you implement consequences. You HAVE to implement the consequences. If you don't he will know you're bluffing and will have no reason to change. 

Even if you do that - there is no guarantee he will change. If he truly has a problem like my H does - you'll be dealing with this for a lifetime. He will struggle every single day. You have to decide if that is something you can live with. My H tells me every day that he struggles with it. He tells me how hard it is for him any time he sees a victoria's secret commercial or some kind of half naked celeb on an ad, or breasts that show up in a movie...it's hard on him. He literally has to fight the urge every second of everyday. I have to live with knowing he will be this way for the rest of his life. He will mess up again. I know that. But at least he is trying. 

People will shrug this off like it's no big deal. Don't listen to them. If your H really has a problem with porn - you know. You know it goes above and beyond recreational porn use. It's no different than any other addiction/excessive problem.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Starz21
Its an interesting question. Non-physical additions tend to happen in private - the addict not able to stop themselves. 

I'm not sure going gambling with a gambling addicted spouse IS such a terrible idea. Might having someone else there make it easy for them to walk away after a reasonable time?

Maybe they would sneak back to the casino later- but maybe not. 




staarz21 said:


> snip
> 
> You wouldn't tell the OP to go gambling with her H if he was gambling too much and losing all of their money would you?
> 
> snip


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Not to trivialize this thread, but I predict it will go another 20 pages -- unresolved.

I wish you the best.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

staarz21 said:


> Can you stop suggesting this? Some people have actually had to deal with the effects of their partner using TOO MUCH porn. Whether it's an addiction or not, doesn't matter. He is watching it too much and neglecting his wife. I don't think him watching MORE porn is going to help.
> 
> My H has such an issue with porn. We are working through his problems, but I tried exactly what you suggested here. I watched porn with him - and it ended up being the ONLY way he would have sex with me. Porn had to be on in the background. Gee, that turned out real well.
> 
> ...


"Too much" is a subjective phrase. What is too much? Is this written out explicitly somewhere or is that defined by each person/couple? Are they going shopping for groceries and he's watching porn on his phone in the middle of the aisle and whipping it out to jerk off? That would be too much. Is he watching it at night when the kids go to bed and he's in the mood? That might not be too much. 

Joining a spouse's kinks/fetishes/fantasies/etc. can be a really healthy thing. That's not my opinion. That is covered in literally hundreds, if not thousands, of relationship self-help books written by scholars in the field. If you read I also suggested a better balance. One night for his love of porn, the next night her desires. Balance. I offered that perspective because it hadn't yet been offered.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

pull the plug and move on with your life. Find a nice gentleman and live happy ever after.

wishing you the best.


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