# I think I am staying in the marriage just for the kids now (sorry, very long winded)



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

Update (5/10/13):
Thanks for all the suggestions. I have done a lot of soul searching these days. Whenever I am not occupied by work or moving tasks at home, I found myself weeping. I truly have come to low of the low point and I don’t think it could be worse. Good thing is I no longer hate or are angry at my husband. I really don’t any more. I pity him. I feel bad for us, for myself. 
This whole house thing, I have decided to lower the 1st house by another 20k hoping to get rid of it fast, which means I will be looking at around 70K loss on that deal. I have no choice since we are running $600 deficit monthly starting this month, even though my husband has been confident the whole time during last 6 months that we will break even. ‘We will be fine floating 2 mortgages for a while. This house is going to sell quickly.’ That was what he said and believed the whole time. Now reality is different. He has nothing to say but sorry. I have nothing to say but trying to get rid of the 1st house. I am a frugal person. There is nothing we can cut from current expense for sure. Everything is bare minimum. I trusted his judgment on this, even I didn’t want to buy another house from the beginning. I trusted that he would do diligent and not just hoping for the best to happen. He dropped the ball. It is meaningless that I blame him now. I am just trying to deal with the mess.
This whole thing has really hit home for me. Along with all that has been happened in the last few years, finally I am not in doubt anymore. I have come to the conclusion that we are fundamentally different and incompatible. We cannot make each other happy. This marriage is hopeless.
It is not a crime for him to want to live high standard life. Everyone wants to enjoy life if they can. And I make some money which make that possible so I understand where he is coming from. I feel bad for him because I know deep down I look down at him. I admit that I don’t think he is very smart, has good judgment or competent in some things in life. I can’t change the fact that he doesn’t have a degree, doesn’t make a high income but still wants to spend all the money that I make. I know he is an emotional guy, who needs a lot of physical intimacy and verbal appraisal to be able to feel like a man and feel good about himself. I feel very bad for him that I am not able to provide that to him. I am just not an intimate type of person. It is sad but I can say I don’t care if he has an intimate relationship with some other women at this point. Good for him if he can find that comfort somewhere else.
I mean he is a good guy but I feel sorry that my expectations are too high for him. What I want in a partner is someone who I look up, someone who takes care of things better than I do, someone who is smart, someone who wants the same kind of things in life and see money the same way. I am not saying I want divorce and find such a person easily. I am not naïve. Someone like that will have a different set of problems, bad temper, or no patient, or workaholic, who knows. Even there is such a person who loves me, he is not going to love my kids like their father does.
So it goes back to the bottom line: kids. So if divorce is not an option, the best we can do is being roommate then? I already know I can’t make him happy and he is not ever going to make me happy. Should we just lower our expectations and try to be friends, instead of husband and wife? It seems to the only way out. As soon as I don’t expect him to be that partner I truly wanted, I would be relieved and just look at him as a roommate who lives in the same house. I would work on accepting my fate that this marriage is not where my happiness lies. I will just need to make sure the kids grow up and move out. And that would be the end of everything.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Original:

I don’t mean to give my life story but realize there are so many things that got me to the mess today. I guess I am in a very low spot in my marriage. I don’t think my husband feel the same way, at least he didn’t say so. He knows the relationship is in distress and I am very unhappy with him. He hopes this is just a tough phase and only temporary. I know he still has faith in us, but I don’t.

We have known each other for 9 years and been married for 7 years. We have a 3 year old and I am pregnant with our 2nd child right now. I can say that he has always been loyal, trying to be a good husband and father, never gambled or had drinking problems, never abused me or anyone. I can say he is a good decent person inside and out. But I have so much anger, disappointment, and resentment towards him. 

Most of our trouble is coming from disagreement around money. Our financial goals or views are so different. On top of that, after these years, the way I look at him is completely different now. You can say I have matured and evolved a lot in the past 9 years and my world view has changed. These two main factors came together (along with some major life events) created a perfect storm in our marriage in the last 6 months or so. I am at a very bad place emotionally. I can’t change who I am and how I think about things and about him. But divorce is absolutely not an option for me. He is a good father. I didn’t have a father growing up so I don’t want my children not seeing their father every day. 

So I feel trapped. Big deal. Lots of people feel the same way.

Some history: when we first met, he was 33 and I was 21. So his mature, his caring and loving nature, his patient, lay back, relaxed style were all so comforting to me. Like I said, I had no father growing up. I felt like home, safe and secure with him. That is the reason I married him. And honestly he hasn’t changed over the years. I was a student during the first 5 years of our marriage. We didn’t have much money and he is the bread winner (I made 20K a year when I was in school then). But life seemed so simple and happier then. Then I graduated and had a job that travels around the world frequently and made much more money than him. Then we had our first child and he was kind of useless for a year, just like most new dads. Then I changed a new job, which doesn’t require much travel but making a lot more than him. So I have grown from a silly little girl to an independent career woman. In the mean time, he is doing the same job that he had for 15 years. My world view is much bigger and more mature now. He has stayed in the same place and never thought about changing.

Around finance: I am a saver and he is a spender. For me, having a lot of savings gives me peace of mind. When I was still in school, I save every penny, clip coupon and enjoyed finding deals online. After I got a job, I still remain a lot of those habits. I don’t like buying things just cause. I like to spend the minimal necessary and save the rest. But he wants to enjoy life when he can. He thinks we live too much under our means. In 2010, we bought a brand new house together. I think it is just the right size. He doesn’t like the location and neighbor hood. But it shortened my commute from 1.5 hour one way to 1 hour one way. His commute remained at 15mins. After paying mortgage, tax, living expense, we could put away more than 1/3 of income in savings and retirement plans, which was my plan. I didn’t want to spend much money around the house since I knew I was going to change job at some point. But one thing about my husband is that if he wants something, he will get it one way or the other. So there was the 15k patio in 2011 and 15k generator in 2012. Every time no matter how strongly I disagree, he would make progress on his end until I was put in a corner and had to say yes to keep peace in the house. The thing is, he often would complain and argue that his opinion doesn’t matter in this house and I emasculate him. So to keep peace and prove that what he wants matters, I cave and compromise. This year, I changed job and he thought this is finally the chance for him to move to a better location and bigger house. So we looked for houses. I don’t want to move, I am happy where I am physically and financially. I would like to put more money away for our children and our retirement, or even family vacation. But he is determined. So again to keep peace, I was passive in the whole thing and went along looking for houses just to get along. Now we just bought a bigger house in an expensive area, by emptying savings, borrowing from 401k and taking equity loan against the 1st house. ‘Very nice neighborhood’ in his words. We put the 1st house on the market for sale but had to list it with a big loss of 50K because of the slow housing market. With two mortgages, we barely have a few hundred dollars left monthly. He even has the audacity of saying ‘why did you sign off on all the papers if you are that much against it?’ I wanted to yell to his face ‘because you need to feel like you have a say in this marriage!’ I think that tightly wound string in my head just finally snapped. I felt the financial burden so heavy I can’t breathe. I cried every other night to sleep. All the moving tasks are exhausting but I have to do it. None of this is good for the baby but I have no choice. I don’t talk to him if not necessary. He keeps his distance from me trying not to irritate me. 

I have so much anger and resentment towards him. I am so disappointed that he would put me through all this stress knowing how important money is to me. The ridiculous thing is he makes less of the income, but I cannot make big financial decisions base on my values, just because he needs to feel like a man. I resent him for putting his happiness in front of mine and he is so selfish. I even regret marrying him because our immiscible difference. How can I ever love him again since I find him repulsive? How can I make peace with myself knowing I just hate a lot of things about him?


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I am so sorry you are going through this especially while pregnant. I know that must be very stressful. You sound like my H and I am like your husband. Only difference is my H manages the money and insist we live WAY below our means. Your post have given me some insight into how he thinks. 

Sorry I don't have any help for you just wanted to offer empathy for what you going through. I'm pregnant too. I'm glad you don't want to walk away. Maybe counseling?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I am sorry you're feeling so much resentment. It's not a good place to be in while bringing a child into the world. This should be one of the happiest times in your life.

I want to say that I think your anger while justified should not solely rest at the foot of your husband. You can hold your ground without emasculating your husband, and you need to find that balance. True compromise is when an agreement is made that BOTH of the parties can be happy with. There is no deficit in that arrangement. No hard feelings left over, no resentment. Going along with his whims and plans to 'keep peace' does just the opposite. This is where you are right now, in that ugly place. 

He is the same as he was 9 years ago. You are too, just older. He has always been a spender, and you a saver. Your marriage should be a balancing act between both extremes. You both have things to learn from one another. It can't be all your way and it can't be all his way, there is a middle ground and you (because you recognize the bigger picture and he does not) will have to be the one in your marriage to seek this middle ground first.

Your attitude has to change. You have to accept your role in where you are right now financially. You allowed him to steer the ship, and well here you are. I agree that you will probably need to seek some counseling. I would bring it to your husbands attention what you're feeling and you're having a tough time reconciling some things. Tell him that you want things to work and you want him to be on board with you, but if he chooses NOT to participate, please seek the counseling for yourself. This anger and resentment is unhealthy. Not just for you but for your baby. It's a cancer that will continue to grow and it will infect every aspect of your life together... including how you are with your children. Don't do that to them.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

I am partially responsible for our financial situation now, only because I don't want to hear him blaming me not respecting him or emasculate him. Truth is I sometimes don't think he is very smart to think logically. I don't want him know this is how I see him. I don't want him to label me as alway critical of him. so I tend to overcompensate by going along just to keep peace. Like you said, it does the opposite. I feel hopeless because he is who he is and we will face this challenge in every way of our life. I honestly don't see a middle ground.
Is there any self help book for myself? With the baby coming and job, I am afraid we have the energy and time for counseling.
Thanks.


A Bit Much said:


> I am sorry you're feeling so much resentment. It's not a good place to be in while bringing a child into the world. This should be one of the happiest times in your life.
> 
> I want to say that I think your anger while justified should not solely rest at the foot of your husband. You can hold your ground without emasculating your husband, and you need to find that balance. True compromise is when an agreement is made that BOTH of the parties can be happy with. There is no deficit in that arrangement. No hard feelings left over, no resentment. Going along with his whims and plans to 'keep peace' does just the opposite. This is where you are right now, in that ugly place.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> I am partially responsible for our financial situation now, only because I don't want to hear him blaming me not respecting him or emasculate him. Truth is I sometimes don't think he is very smart to think logically. I don't want him know this is how I see him. I don't want him to label me as alway critical of him. so I tend to overcompensate by going along just to keep peace. Like you said, it does the opposite. I feel hopeless because he is who he is and we will face this challenge in every way of our life. I honestly don't see a middle ground.
> Is there any self help book for myself? With the baby coming and job, I am afraid we have the energy and time for counseling.
> Thanks.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



What I know about people is that they will make time for the things they find important to them.

Another thing I know is that you can't change another person. All you can do is change yourself. That can mean accepting them as they are, or walking away because you cannot. It can also mean adjusting your expectations so that you aren't making yourself miserable. Bottom line is the change you want has to come from yourself. 

He's not going to do things exactly as you want him to. He's going to be upset when you disagree with him. You have more control over this situation than you give yourself credit for (financially). What you don't have control over is his behavior, his anger, his emotions. The house situation is done. Nothing can be changed about that now, you're in it. You can choose to wallow in this decision you felt 'forced' to make, or you can accept that you caved and gave into his wishes. That was YOUR decision. 

Learn from this, and instead of giving in the NEXT time (because you know there will be a next time) you instead come up with a compromise you both can live with. "Honey, I would not be comfortable doing A, but how about if did B instead?" You can't know what his response will be to this because you haven't done it before. In his eyes, you just say NO and that's the end of it. Whether it's true or not, this is how he perceives you. This will be an exercise for you in either being right, or being happy.

Pick up the book His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. I think it can help you to see things from his perspective a little better. I don't think his throwing tantrums is the right way by any means, but before you invalidate his views that you emasculate him, dig a little deeper.


----------



## Lovdoc75 (May 4, 2013)

It's obvious that you really do love this guy, because only some we love can make us feel so low! 

The question I often as myself, is why do I stay when I feel like leaving and what I discovered was this! You can't help who you love, but it's ok to love them from a distance if need be.

You have to be ok with being apart from him before you can regain your power. You have to decide that your marriage has to be good for you as well. What does being married do for you, other than give you a title? Does it drain or give you life? 

It took me finding peace within myself and not catering to stuff that didn't work for me, before I got my wife's attention. Then seeing that I was ok with not being together made her realize, she needed to change before I stopped caring. She cried and tried to manipulate situations, but I stopped doing things to satisfy her and hurt me. I started loving me enough to not let others hurt me. She tries a lot harder these days and I let her know that I appreciate it, but she's still far from where I need her to be, but I still love her and as long as she tries, I will too.

Hope this helps!


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

Yes I know I have to change. But that's the most difficult part. And I am a strong will person it is not easy. But I will try I don't know how long it is going to take or if I will ever get there.
I think if you flip the general needs and dynamic of man and woman in a marriage, it is us. I think more like a man and he think more like a woman. I don't know why it's just that way.


A Bit Much said:


> What I know about people is that they will make time for the things they find important to them.
> 
> Another thing I know is that you can't change another person. All you can do is change yourself. That can mean accepting them as they are, or walking away because you cannot. It can also mean adjusting your expectations so that you aren't making yourself miserable. Bottom line is the change you want has to come from yourself.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

As of now, this marriage gives me 2 things: a good father for my kid and someone to share the house chores. That's all.
I want to be good to myself, I want to be happy. But I can't change the current financial situation and that seems to be the biggest weight on my shoulder and I think about it constantly everyday. Until that changes or the way I look at money changes (unlikely since it is established by my world view), I don't see how our relationship can really improve any much. And I am afraid it could be years and by then there is absolutely no love and feelings left. I have seriously thought about the question: if we don't have kids would I leave him? The answer is an unfortunate and painful yes. I am lost in this black hole I can't seem to get out of.


Lovdoc75 said:


> It's obvious that you really do love this guy, because only some we love can make us feel so low!
> 
> The question I often as myself, is why do I stay when I feel like leaving and what I discovered was this! You can't help who you love, but it's ok to love them from a distance if need be.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> As of now, this marriage gives me 2 things: a good father for my kid and someone to share the house chores. That's all.
> I want to be good to myself, I want to be happy. But I can't change the current financial situation and that seems to be the biggest weight on my shoulder and I think about it constantly everyday. Until that changes or the way I look at money changes (unlikely since it is established by my world view), I don't see how our relationship can really improve any much. And I am afraid it could be years and* by then there is absolutely no love and feelings left*. I have seriously thought about the question: if we don't have kids would I leave him? The answer is an unfortunate and painful yes. I am lost in this black hole I can't seem to get out of.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The bolded stood out to me. You have feelings/love for him now. There's something there to build on. Love is a choice. You can choose to love him despite his faults, every single day. You can do something every day for your marriage to strengthen it rather than tear it down. These are things that are within your control. He hasn't changed who he is, financially he had the same mind he did when you dated him. If this is who he is, you are going to have to work on letting your anger with him go. It's not easy, not at all. If you aren't up for the task, then you will have to sit him down and tell him you plan to leave him. Be honest with him and do what you have to do.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

OK, so he's a spender. Did he lose love with you when he spent the first part of your marriage as the primary breadwinner. I'm sure there are times he would have preferred to go out and buy something with his earnings rather than supporting your education and your dreams.

I know money disagreements can be difficult. But when you're thinking that you're the only one making sacrifices or compromises, it might be useful for you to think of the times he curbed his natural spending impulses for your benefit. 

There has to be some middle ground. A little bit of saving and a little bit of spending. Maybe brush up on the story of King Midas. Might be a good lesson for you in there.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

When I was in school, I was on scholarship for my doctorate degree. I didn't need anybody's help or support back then. He didn't sacrifice anything. Not then, not today. 



MarriedTex said:


> OK, so he's a spender. Did he lose love with you when he spent the first part of your marriage as the primary breadwinner. I'm sure there are times he would have preferred to go out and buy something with his earnings rather than supporting your education and your dreams.
> 
> I know money disagreements can be difficult. But when you're thinking that you're the only one making sacrifices or compromises, it might be useful for you to think of the times he curbed his natural spending impulses for your benefit.
> 
> There has to be some middle ground. A little bit of saving and a little bit of spending. Maybe brush up on the story of King Midas. Might be a good lesson for you in there.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> When I was in school, I was on scholarship for my doctorate degree. I didn't need anybody's help or support back then. He didn't sacrifice anything. Not then, not today.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What made you fall in love with him?


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

Yes, I can choose to cook food he likes, or remind him to wear jacket, or fix his socks, or cut his hair, or record his tv shows. These choices are not hard to make. But isn't live also a feeling. What if I just don't have the urge of kissing or hugging, what if I don't feel like holding hands or complimenting him? When I force myself to do those things I feel fake and more sad. He is touchy and sensitive and sentimental person. He is going to be unhappy too. Maybe it will come back if I'm no longer angry. I don't know.



A Bit Much said:


> The bolded stood out to me. You have feelings/love for him now. There's something there to build on. Love is a choice. You can choose to love him despite his faults, every single day. You can do something every day for your marriage to strengthen it rather than tear it down. These are things that are within your control. He hasn't changed who he is, financially he had the same mind he did when you dated him. If this is who he is, you are going to have to work on letting your anger with him go. It's not easy, not at all. If you aren't up for the task, then you will have to sit him down and tell him you plan to leave him. Be honest with him and do what you have to do.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> Yes, I can choose to cook food he likes, or remind him to wear jacket, or fix his socks, or cut his hair, or record his tv shows. These choices are not hard to make. But isn't live also a feeling. What if I just don't have the urge of kissing or hugging, what if I don't feel like holding hands or complimenting him? When I force myself to do those things I feel fake and more sad. He is touchy and sensitive and sentimental person. He is going to be unhappy too. Maybe it will come back if I'm no longer angry. I don't know.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you think he enjoys you being angry with him all the time? No matter what he does, your negativity has to hurt.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

Like I said, his caring and loving nature, his patient, lay back, relaxed style were all so comforting to me. I had no father growing up. I felt like home, safe and secure with him. That is the reason I married him. I don't think it was wrong that I fell for those things. Was it love? Maybe. But obviously, these traits can't dissolve all the anger and disappointment I have towards him. I wonder why. Is it that I am greedy? Or is it that we just don't match, shouldn't be together?


A Bit Much said:


> What made you fall in love with him?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this is really a lot more fixable than you give credit for

I suspect he hasn't found or implemented how you interpret love
it's obvious he views touch as his love language, what is yours?

(get the 5 Languages of Love)


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> Like I said, his caring and loving nature, his patient, lay back, relaxed style were all so comforting to me. I had no father growing up. I felt like home, safe and secure with him. That is the reason I married him. I don't think it was wrong that I fell for those things. Was it love? Maybe. But obviously, these traits can't dissolve all the anger and disappointment I have towards him. I wonder why. Is it that I am greedy? Or is it that we just don't match, shouldn't be together?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know. ARE you greedy? The things you love about him are still there. Has he withdrawn from YOU? Emotionally you need different things, but that's not a reason to throw in the towel. You should identify these needs and then work on meeting them together. Have you picked up that book I suggested yet? His Needs Her Needs? And the 5 Love Languages is another good one to have.

Why isn't HE enough for you? Is that a reason to be angry with him? Again, you can only change yourself and if you change your attitude towards him, all of this can change.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

Of course I know. We both are suffering, every day. The difference is, he still has hope. He thinks I will find a way to forgive him someday. He asks me to have more faith. I said: I had faith for 9 years, look where it got me. I guess the only way to find out it stick to it another 9 years to see.



A Bit Much said:


> Do you think he enjoys you being angry with him all the time? No matter what he does, your negativity has to hurt.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

simply "sticking it out" isn't going to help do anything but build resentment

you need to get more proactive about it while you can still save it


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> Of course I know. We both are suffering, every day. The difference is, he still has hope. He thinks I will find a way to forgive him someday. He asks me to have more faith. I said: I had faith for 9 years, look where it got me. I guess the only way to find out it stick to it another 9 years to see.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You weren't like this all 9 years. I think that's unfair... you're telling him your entire marriage has been hell and he's the source of your misery. He probably questions why you married him to begin with if he's such a thorn in your side. You even have children together. What was it all for?

He deserves more than you just 'sticking it out'.  You have to be willing to give him as much as he gives you. If you both are working on this together it can turn around.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

We both read that book last year. Didn't seem to be helpful. His is touch and verbal compliment. Mine is service (I didn't find one that describe mine accurately, this one seems close but not quite). We practiced a little. I feel awkward and he knows I am uncomfortable expressing too openly. Then the house thing escalated and language thing seems trivial. What's the point of fixing a dripping faucet when the entire house is flooded, right?



Almostrecovered said:


> this is really a lot more fixable than you give credit for
> 
> I suspect he hasn't found or implemented how you interpret love
> it's obvious he views touch as his love language, what is yours?
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think you gave up too easily


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> We both read that book last year. Didn't seem to be helpful. His is touch and verbal compliment. Mine is service (I didn't find one that describe mine accurately, this one seems close but not quite). We practiced a little. I feel awkward and he knows I am uncomfortable expressing too openly. Then the house thing escalated and language thing seems trivial. What's the point of fixing a dripping faucet when the entire house is flooded, right?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So he's not worth it? Is that what you're saying? It reads that way to me. He's not worth the effort. You know what his needs are and it is too much of a bother for you to try to meet them.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

I don't think he is not enough for me. Even if he is, I can live with that. What I am angry about is his blindness and stubborness, and selfishness. He insists on something that I hate. He puts his happiness before mine. If its nine of these two, than he doesn't know me as his wife, what's my like and dislike. Or we just want completely different lives. These are basic fundamental things. Much deeper than day to day language or needs.



A Bit Much said:


> I don't know. ARE you greedy? The things you love about him are still there. Has he withdrawn from YOU? Emotionally you need different things, but that's not a reason to throw in the towel. You should identify these needs and then work on meeting them together. Have you picked up that book I suggested yet? His Needs Her Needs? And the 5 Love Languages is another good one to have.
> 
> Why isn't HE enough for you? Is that a reason to be angry with him? Again, you can only change yourself and if you change your attitude towards him, all of this can change.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

The thing is, when I don't even want to see his face, when I don't even want to hear his voice, you are right, he is not worth the effort. The best I can do is talking in an none angry tone and try to deal with the subject itself calmly.



A Bit Much said:


> So he's not worth it? Is that what you're saying? It reads that way to me. He's not worth the effort. You know what his needs are and it is too much of a bother for you to try to meet them.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

then I suggest IC

you are very bitter and angry, I can't answer if it's justified or not as of yet but ultimately you deserve to be happy and harboring resentment isn't going to be healthy


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> I don't think he is not enough for me. Even if he is, I can live with that. What I am angry about is his blindness and stubborness, and selfishness. He insists on something that I hate. He puts his happiness before mine. If its nine of these two, than he doesn't know me as his wife, what's my like and dislike. Or we just want completely different lives. These are basic fundamental things. Much deeper than day to day language or needs.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have allowed him to behave this way by giving in and 'keeping peace'. Whether you want to admit it or not, you enable his behavior.

Not only that, but even with feeling the way you do about him, you are having more children together. Is this a household environment to bring a child into? In all your posts here I have yet to see ANY where you take yourself into accountability. THAT is a huge problem. Blaming him for everything has gotten nowhere.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

I know blaming him doesn't do anything. I am angry at myself for letting things get to this bad. But it is not like I can stand up and dust myself off and move on. It is very hard. I seem to be in a depressed cycle. I wish there is a perspective I can adapt that helps me to let go.


A Bit Much said:


> You have allowed him to behave this way by giving in and 'keeping peace'. Whether you want to admit it or not, you enable his behavior.
> 
> Not only that, but even with feeling the way you do about him, you are having more children together. Is this a household environment to bring a child into? In all your posts here I have yet to see ANY where you take yourself into accountability. THAT is a huge problem. Blaming him for everything has gotten nowhere.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> I seem to be in a depressed cycle. I wish there is a perspective I can adapt that helps me to let go.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


exactly why I recommend IC, you need to learn tools to do just that


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> I know blaming him doesn't do anything. I am angry at myself for letting things get to this bad. But it is not like I can stand up and dust myself off and move on. It is very hard. I seem to be in a depressed cycle. I wish there is a perspective I can adapt that helps me to let go.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well you can acknowledge your mistakes, and then understand that the decisions were made and they can't be unmade.. at least not easily. 

You're about to have a child again. Another new chapter is about to begin in your lives. What's done is done, and you CAN let go if you want to. Every day is an opportunity to start over. Sit down with your husband and have a long heart to heart with him. If you can't do that, write him a letter. Refrain from blaming him but tell him how lost and sad you feel. Ask him to help you with that. Tell him you're afraid of what your future holds with him but you want to try. You need his help to keep going.

If you feel you're at the end of your rope, there's only 2 things you can do. Let go, or start climbing.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You are in the same situation I was, except it was my wife, and she wasn't quite so extravagant with her spending...We were married a short time when I saw we were fighting a lot over money...

I decided the money wasn't worth fighting over, and just let her get everything she wanted...Sometimes we had to wait and save, but she always got it eventually.....

I discovered that money spent on the home always paid back eventually, and her wants were not all that excessive....It made for a very happy marriage...

We have now been married 47 years, and I think we are very well off financially. Have a nice home 3 boats, 4 automobiles, and a rental property, I am now comfortably retired...

I don't think buying the home, the patio, and the generator system were wasted money...They should all pay off in the long run....Learn to communicate your feelings and compromise with your husband. Give a little more than you think wise when buying things for the home, they will almost always pay dividends. Spendmore for fun and recreation, but stop borrowing from the 401K....Money is the most foolish issue to damage a marriage with....

Save, but learn to enjoy life, and spend a little more....A happy husband is a good investment....I know a happy wife was a good investment for me...

good luck
the woodchuck


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Also realize that pregnancy may be intensifying your feelings. It may or may not be the case for you, but hormones can have an impact of amplifying feelings during a pregnancy.

Not saying that there are not problems that need to be fixed. Your questions about his suitability as a partner/provider, in particular, may be more pointed as your attention focuses on issues of providing the basic necessities for your growing family. 

He appears to be falling short, undoubtedly. The troubles in this relationship, however, may be influenced by more than one source.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

I will accept my responsibility for my mistake. And I will try to work on letting go of my anger. But the real question is, our fundamental difference still exists, it seems that we do not want the same kind of life. I am afraid it is going to be a life long struggle and misery. 


A Bit Much said:


> Well you can acknowledge your mistakes, and then understand that the decisions were made and they can't be unmade.. at least not easily.
> 
> You're about to have a child again. Another new chapter is about to begin in your lives. What's done is done, and you CAN let go if you want to. Every day is an opportunity to start over. Sit down with your husband and have a long heart to heart with him. If you can't do that, write him a letter. Refrain from blaming him but tell him how lost and sad you feel. Ask him to help you with that. Tell him you're afraid of what your future holds with him but you want to try. You need his help to keep going.
> 
> If you feel you're at the end of your rope, there's only 2 things you can do. Let go, or start climbing.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

We are taking a 50k loss if not more on the 1st house. Not a penny dividends of the patio or generator, and some. Fine, nothing I can do about that. At this point I just hope that house gets sold. It is a heart breaking remind for me.

You mentioned having a happy husband is a good investment. Well, that's what I thought but look where it got me. It did the opposite like another person here just pointed out. And before this 2nd house thing, he didn't even realize and appreciate how much compromise I made. The analogy he used was 'a kid being good all year and just wants his Xmas gifts'. After he got the patio, the generator, you know what he complained about? That he 'didn't understand why I made these so difficult for him'. That he 'deserve these things because he had been a good husband'. I could only cry inside.

Even with this 2nd house, he thought my worries about money was just silly and not necessary. This is just example of how completely different we are.



Woodchuck said:


> You are in the same situation I was, except it was my wife, and she wasn't quite so extravagant with her spending...We were married a short time when I saw we were fighting a lot over money...
> 
> I decided the money wasn't worth fighting over, and just let her get everything she wanted...Sometimes we had to wait and save, but she always got it eventually.....
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

You have different views of money. He sees it as something to be used to enjoy life now. You see it as a means to provide security in the future.

It would kill me to throw $50 k down the drain for no good reason. I'm frugal by nature and understand your pain here.

If you're bottom-line oriented, though, consider the following: If you divorce you may have to pay him alimony if he makes considerably less than you do, depending on your state and the amount of time you've been married. It may be more economically efficient for you to try to manage his monetary behavior rather than divorcing him over the issue.

Maybe if you look at it through this type of lens, maybe you can treat the relationship and its associated expenses as just another "cost of doing business in this life." You're going to pay one way or another, so you may as well make him earn his keep and contribute in whatever way he can to the overall welfare of the family unit.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Is this really just about questionable financial decisions and his uneducated world view? I'm not so convinced. I think you married too young before you knew what you wanted in life. You were needy at the time and he emotionally rescued you. He was a Daddy figure and now he's just some silly husband who likes to spend a few too many bucks on home improvement. What a horrible guy! You're an analytical person and you don't like to express yourself emotionally. Some would say that you cannot handle intimacy. It's obvious you feel smarter then your husband and now for some reason you're mad about it. 

Your anger appears to be displaced. I'm going to suggest that your anger with him is actually about the anger and disappointment you have with yourself. Everytime you look at him it reminds you of how you allowed yourself to become "trapped" in this situation. I think you need to remind yourself that you choose to marry him and own it. Otherwise you will continue to find reasons to be unhappy.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

I think your suggestion is practical and something I might be able to work with.


MarriedTex said:


> You have different views of money. He sees it as something to be used to enjoy life now. You see it as a means to provide security in the future.
> 
> It would kill me to throw $50 k down the drain for no good reason. I'm frugal by nature and understand your pain here.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

You might be right. But I don't understand how 'owning my choice' can make me happy or feel any better. Being angry with myself is just more depressing.



Enginerd said:


> Is this really just about questionable financial decisions and his uneducated world view? I'm not so convinced. I think you married too young before you knew what you wanted in life. You were needy at the time and he emotionally rescued you. He was a Daddy figure and now he's just some silly husband who likes to spend a few too many bucks on home improvement. What a horrible guy! You're an analytical person and you don't like to express yourself emotionally. Some would say that you cannot handle intimacy. It's obvious you feel smarter then your husband and now for some reason you're mad about it.
> 
> Your anger appears to be displaced. I'm going to suggest that your anger with him is actually about the anger and disappointment you have with yourself. Everytime you look at him it reminds you of how you allowed yourself to become "trapped" in this situation. I think you need to remind yourself that you choose to marry him and own it. Otherwise you will continue to find reasons to be unhappy.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> You might be right. But I don't understand how 'owning my choice' can make me happy or feel any better. Being angry with myself is just more depressing.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Once you own your choice you'll stop blaming him for everything. He doesn't deserve your anger and your children don't derserve to be around it. I know its a tough reality due to the children but projecting your anger is not the right thing to do. You will regret it as you age. I have two boys and a spouse that isn't on my level. I use to be angry about it all the time. Now I focus on the good stuff. My wife is loyal and will stand by me in difficult times. She takes care of us and loves us. These are things that are hard to find these days. There are alot of super selfish people these days and very few take responsibility for their actions. Don't be one of them.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

*I think I am staying in the marriage just for the kids now (sorry, very long wi*



dhpuod said:


> And I am a strong will person it is not easy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Strong willed is a good trait when dealing with some things but a bad trait when dealing with spouses. In the spouse context it is a red flag. With your spouse you are supposed to communicate and compromise. It shouldn't be a clash of wills at all.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks for all the suggestions. I have done a lot of soul searching these days. Whenever I am not occupied by work or moving tasks at home, I found myself weeping. I truly have come to low of the low point and I don’t think it could be worse. Good thing is I no longer hate or are angry at my husband. I really don’t any more. I pity him. I feel bad for us, for myself. 

This whole house thing, I have decided to lower the 1st house by another 20k hoping to get rid of it fast, which means I will be looking at around 70K loss on that deal. I have no choice since we are running $600 deficit monthly starting this month, even though my husband has been confident the whole time during last 6 months that we will break even. ‘We will be fine floating 2 mortgages for a while. This house is going to sell quickly.’ That was what he said and believed the whole time. Now reality is different. He has nothing to say but sorry. I have nothing to say but trying to get rid of the 1st house. I am a frugal person. There is nothing we can cut from current expense for sure. Everything is bare minimum. I trusted his judgment on this, even I didn’t want to buy another house from the beginning. I trusted that he would do diligent and not just hoping for the best to happen. He dropped the ball. It is meaningless that I blame him now. I am just trying to deal with the mess.

This whole thing has really hit home for me. Along with all that has been happened in the last few years, finally I am not in doubt anymore. I have come to the conclusion that we are fundamentally different and incompatible. We cannot make each other happy. This marriage is hopeless.

It is not a crime for him to want to live high standard life. Everyone wants to enjoy life if they can. And I make some money which make that possible so I understand where he is coming from. I feel bad for him because I know deep down I look down at him. I admit that I don’t think he is very smart, has good judgment or competent in some things in life. I can’t change the fact that he doesn’t have a degree, doesn’t make a high income but still wants to spend all the money that I make. I know he is an emotional guy, who needs a lot of physical intimacy and verbal appraisal to be able to feel like a man and feel good about himself. I feel very bad for him that I am not able to provide that to him. I am just not an intimate type of person. It is sad but I can say I don’t care if he has an intimate relationship with some other women at this point. Good for him if he can find that comfort somewhere else.

I mean he is a good guy but I feel sorry that my expectations are too high for him. What I want in a partner is someone who I look up, someone who takes care of things better than I do, someone who is smart, someone who wants the same kind of things in life and see money the same way. I am not saying I want divorce and find such a person easily. I am not naïve. Someone like that will have a different set of problems, bad temper, or no patient, or workaholic, who knows. Even there is such a person who loves me, he is not going to love my kids like their father does.

So it goes back to the bottom line: kids. So if divorce is not an option, the best we can do is being roommate then? I already know I can’t make him happy and he is not ever going to make me happy. Should we just lower our expectations and try to be friends, instead of husband and wife? It seems to the only way out. As soon as I don’t expect him to be that partner I truly wanted, I would be relieved and just look at him as a roommate who lives in the same house. I would work on accepting my fate that this marriage is not where my happiness lies. I will just need to make sure the kids grow up and move out. And that would be the end of everything.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Have you told him any of this? That you don't love him, you feel the marriage is hopeless?

I don't think it's fair of you to make the decision to live as roommates for the both of you. He may act like a child sometimes, and he may not meet your expectations as a husband, but you owe him something more than a declaration. He is your husband whether you see him that way or not.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

I have not and I am planning on telling him soon, after we mostly move in the 2nd house. Right now there are too much to do. I guess I am looking for some suggestions on how to better handle current situation.



A Bit Much said:


> Have you told him any of this? That you don't love him, you feel the marriage is hopeless?
> 
> I don't think it's fair of you to make the decision to live as roommates for the both of you. He may act like a child sometimes, and he may not meet your expectations as a husband, but you owe him something more than a declaration. He is your husband whether you see him that way or not.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And what if he says he doesn't agree to such an arrangement? You're expecting another child as well. How do you think it will affect them to see their parents living like roommates? Do you think that will be a healthy environment for them to grow up in?


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

I do think if we are polite and friendly to each other, it is a stable environment for the kids. If my husband doesn't agree with this arrangement, then we can continue the old path we are in and everyone be miserable.



A Bit Much said:


> And what if he says he doesn't agree to such an arrangement? You're expecting another child as well. How do you think it will affect them to see their parents living like roommates? Do you think that will be a healthy environment for them to grow up in?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> I do think if we are polite and friendly to each other, it is a stable environment for the kids. If my husband doesn't agree with this arrangement, then we can continue the old path we are in and everyone be miserable.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And why do you think he would be HAPPY living like a roommate? 

He may not be 100% content with your marriage right now, but I don't think he feels as hopeless about it as you do. I would bet he feels the opposite. He may feel like you two are having a rough patch, but not anything that would be cause for separation. This shift is entirely on you, and IMO you are convinced that because of your financial issues your relationship is doomed. Maybe you should have married a doctor or an attorney or an investor... heir to a throne. To make him suffer because of YOUR choice is very unfair, and now you want to impose an in house separation with a man you have 2 children with that probably loves you very much.

I don't see your problems as being unsolvable, but if you're bound and determined to go on like this there really isn't more to say. File for divorce and move on with your life. It will be more about setting him free than yourself. He shouldn't have to stay with a woman that doesn't want him or appreciate his good qualities. He shouldn't be made to share a house with you and some 'arrangement'.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

Of course no one would be happy. My happiness has been out of the window long time ago. I am only only thinking about the kids when I say staying together. If it weren't for them, I would set everyone free for good.

The financial thing could be none issue for a thousand people, but it is important for me. More important, its the pattern and philosophy I am seeing behind his behaviors. He sees this as a rough patch, but it is a wake up call for me. You say everything is solvable but other than accepting reality and who he is there is no real practice. Simple question, how do I love him if I don't find him lovable? You are saying people who don't love or appreciate each other should all file divorce no matter what? I am just trying to find a way that we can stay in this marriage. But I can't change how I see him no matter how hard I try. Has anyone ever really change their opinion about someone? How I feel and see things are based on all the life experience I had so far, no matter I am 30 or 60. It can not be changed OVERNIGHT.




A Bit Much said:


> And why do you think he would be HAPPY living like a roommate?
> 
> He may not be 100% content with your marriage right now, but I don't think he feels as hopeless about it as you do. I would bet he feels the opposite. He may feel like you two are having a rough patch, but not anything that would be cause for separation. This shift is entirely on you, and IMO you are convinced that because of your financial issues your relationship is doomed. Maybe you should have married a doctor or an attorney or an investor... heir to a throne. To make him suffer because of YOUR choice is very unfair, and now you want to impose an in house separation with a man you have 2 children with that probably loves you very much.
> 
> I don't see your problems as being unsolvable, but if you're bound and determined to go on like this there really isn't more to say. File for divorce and move on with your life. It will be more about setting him free than yourself. He shouldn't have to stay with a woman that doesn't want him or appreciate his good qualities. He shouldn't be made to share a house with you and some 'arrangement'.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> Of course no one would be happy. My happiness has been out of the window long time ago. I am only only thinking about the kids when I say staying together. If it weren't for them, I would set everyone free for good.
> 
> The financial thing could be none issue for a thousand people, but it is important for me. He sees this as a rough patch, but it is a wake up call for me. You say everything is solvable but other than accepting reality and who he is there is no real practice. Simple question, how do I love him if I don't find him lovable? You are saying people who don't love or appreciate each other should all file divorce no matter what? I am just trying to find a way that we can stay in this marriage. But I can't change how I see him no matter how hard I try. Has anyone ever really change their opinion about someone? How I feel and see things are based on all the life experience I had so far, no matter I am 30 or 60.* It can not be changed OVERNIGHT.
> *
> ...


Well of course it can't be changed overnight. It didn't take overnight to get here either. It CAN be changed though, if you want it to be changed. Again, this is all about your attitude. How can he see it as a rough patch and you see it as a vortex of misery? Why is his perception so different from yours? Is he choosing to look at it from a glass is half full view or is he just completely in denial? 

The children don't deserve a mother and father that don't love one another and who are checked out emotionally from each other. They learn about marriage and couples and relationships by watching the two of you. You are their examples of what a marriage and loving relationship is. Think about that. You are their example. You teach them how to behave and as they get older, they will follow your examples. Would you want them to live like roommates in their future relationships? When they find out you only stayed married to their father for their sake, how do you think they will take that? 

I grew up with and are friends with people whose parents lived the way you propose. As adults they have trouble with their own relationships... mostly having to do with being emotionally distant. They didn't grow up watching their parents kiss or hug or have fun together. Some of them are upset their parents didn't just divorce and feel responsible for their parents living so unhappily for so many years.

This is all up to you. I'm a stranger on the internet and I don't live your life, but I honestly don't think you should throw in the towel. You and your husband need to sit down and talk about what you're feeling, and you also need to get into some marriage counseling. Make time for it. Your kids deserve better than what you're proposing.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

By the way, if attacking me makes you feel good that you helped support my husband and men like him, I understand. But I need to find a way that works for me too. I have been Santa Claus for too long.



A Bit Much said:


> And why do you think he would be HAPPY living like a roommate?
> 
> He may not be 100% content with your marriage right now, but I don't think he feels as hopeless about it as you do. I would bet he feels the opposite. He may feel like you two are having a rough patch, but not anything that would be cause for separation. This shift is entirely on you, and IMO you are convinced that because of your financial issues your relationship is doomed. Maybe you should have married a doctor or an attorney or an investor... heir to a throne. To make him suffer because of YOUR choice is very unfair, and now you want to impose an in house separation with a man you have 2 children with that probably loves you very much.
> 
> I don't see your problems as being unsolvable, but if you're bound and determined to go on like this there really isn't more to say. File for divorce and move on with your life. It will be more about setting him free than yourself. He shouldn't have to stay with a woman that doesn't want him or appreciate his good qualities. He shouldn't be made to share a house with you and some 'arrangement'.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> By the way, if attacking me makes you feel good that you helped support my husband and men like him, I understand. But I need to find a way that works for me too. I have been Santa Claus for too long.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry you feel I'm attacking you. Honestly that's not my angle at all.

If you're really done with playing Santa, then stop it. If you're really done with him (that comment makes him sound like a gold digging leech) then divorce him. Living like a roommate isn't going to solve anything.

You're too angry to see anything else. This isn't good for the kids.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

I appreciate that you don't attack me. I admit my perspective/sutuation is not such common. 


A Bit Much said:


> I'm sorry you feel I'm attacking you. Honestly that's not my angle at all.
> 
> If you're really done with playing Santa, then stop it. If you're really done with him (that comment makes him sound like a gold digging leech) then divorce him. Living like a roommate isn't going to solve anything.
> 
> You're too angry to see anything else. This isn't good for the kids.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

If he can work on his esteem and manhood, I can work on seeing the good side of him. Neither is easy. I doubt that he will be ambitious or motivated. He is not that kind of person. Right now my love tank is empty. I don't know what kind of behavior change from him will improve my view or feeling for him. I see his good sides everyday. But mentally I can block that big 'BUT' following. It is easy to say 'let go the small stuff and focus on the good'. I don't know how you actually do that without lying to yourself. I can't shake the thought that I made a life mistake. You know the kind you look back in life and wish you chose differently? I mean unless you are a super person, for normal person like me, that regret follows you everywhere forever. I don't know how to spin that. 



Catherine602 said:


> Of course she wasn't. She was 21 years old. How much have you changed since you were 21?
> 
> OP Your changes are perfectly normal. Between the ages of 20 and 30 yrs, we change more than at any time in our lives. The brain is still maturing, you become independent of parents, you explore who you are. Your husband did the same.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

dhpuod said:


> If he can work on his esteem and manhood, I can work on seeing the good side of him. Neither is easy. I doubt that he will be ambitious or motivated. He is not that kind of person. Right now my love tank is empty. I don't know what kind of behavior change from him will improve my view or feeling for him. I see his good sides everyday. But mentally I can block that big 'BUT' following. It is easy to say 'let go the small stuff and focus on the good'. I don't know how you actually do that without lying to yourself. I can't shake the thought that I made a life mistake. You know the kind you look back in life and wish you chose differently? I mean unless you are a super person, for normal person like me, that regret follows you everywhere forever. I don't know how to spin that.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I could have written this paragraph about my wife. I spin it by admitting I can't control everything and by admitting I have a problem with Perfectionism. I am an imperfect human and make mistakes just like all the other humans. My mistakes might be different then others, but I will continue to make them. They might be related to how I handled my children or how I communicated my needs to my wife, but clearly I'm fallible in a number of ways. Therefore I need to be more accepting of others including my wife. She will accept my faults and I will accept hers. That is love. I don't think its about lying to yourself about how you feel about him. I think you're lying to yourself about how perfect you think you are.


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't know how to say this nicely, but I'll try:

I think you really need to take a good, hard look in the mirror. To be this angry with someone over a patio, generator, and house is positively absurd. The housing market is not something that is easy to predict. There are hundreds, if not thousands of factors, that are beyond the control of the person doing the predicting. Historically, real estate HAS been an above average investment. That's a fact. To crucify him for something that is largely based on luck and circumstance is flat out insane. To crucify him for a generator? C'mon, now- crazy.

If you are as unhappy as you claim to be, it's not your husband that is making you unhappy. It's you. Time to stop playing the victim. Seize control of your life and stop blaming your irational emotions on someone that has done very little (if anything) do deserve it.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

wilderness said:


> I don't know how to say this nicely, but I'll try:
> 
> I think you really need to take a good, hard look in the mirror. To be this angry with someone over a patio, generator, and house is positively absurd. The housing market is not something that is easy to predict. There are hundreds, if not thousands of factors, that are beyond the control of the person doing the predicting. Historically, real estate HAS been an above average investment. That's a fact. To crucify him for something that is largely based on luck and circumstance is flat out insane. To crucify him for a generator? C'mon, now- crazy.
> 
> If you are as unhappy as you claim to be, it's not your husband that is making you unhappy. It's you. Time to stop playing the victim. Seize control of your life and stop blaming your irational emotions on someone that has done very little (if anything) do deserve it.


I agree with this. Let's suppose that the housing market rebounds (not out of the realm of possibility given latest results) and that your home gains $100K in value in the next two years because you've bought into a premium property - as your hubby suggested.

If this were to happen, does that mean your empty love tank gets automatically re-filled?

If the answer is "yes," that means you're really more concerned about money than your relationship with your husband.

If the answer is "no," that means there are other issues besides the house and monetary issues that are shaping your feelings towards him.

Stop whining, answer the question and start tackling your issues head on. If you don't want to answer the question, do yourself and your husband a favor and set him free.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

All I can say is please go back to read the posts more carefully. I can't respond to your comments because they are not factual.


wilderness said:


> I don't know how to say this nicely, but I'll try:
> 
> I think you really need to take a good, hard look in the mirror. To be this angry with someone over a patio, generator, and house is positively absurd. The housing market is not something that is easy to predict. There are hundreds, if not thousands of factors, that are beyond the control of the person doing the predicting. Historically, real estate HAS been an above average investment. That's a fact. To crucify him for something that is largely based on luck and circumstance is flat out insane. To crucify him for a generator? C'mon, now- crazy.
> 
> If you are as unhappy as you claim to be, it's not your husband that is making you unhappy. It's you. Time to stop playing the victim. Seize control of your life and stop blaming your irational emotions on someone that has done very little (if anything) do deserve it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

Ok, looks like not only one person didn't read my posts carefully. I admit there were a lot if information wrapped in all my posts.
Simply put, I never wanted to move and I never had any interests making investment in housing market. I was very very happy where I was physically and financially. But the problem was, he insisted on moving, even he knew it would put us in a very bad situation financially. It is just because he wanted it. He didn't care or was ablivious about how unhappy I would be. I went along just because I wanted to keep peace in the house and protect his fragile manhood. I didn't want to be blamed as controlling, immasculating, uncompromising wife. 
Now looking at where we are, I could say 'I told you so' but I didn't. Again, to protect his feelings and self esteem.
His selfishness or stuburness was emptying my love tank. I am dissapointed that he carelessly spend money without making much and doesn't think saving is important. NOT housing market! If you think that is who I am after carefully reading all posts, then all I can say is sorry I wasted your time.



MarriedTex said:


> I agree with this. Let's suppose that the housing market rebounds (not out of the realm of possibility given latest results) and that your home gains $100K in value in the next two years because you've bought into a premium property - as your hubby suggested.
> 
> If this were to happen, does that mean your empty love tank gets automatically re-filled?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

dhpuod said:


> Ok, looks like not only one person didn't read my posts carefully. I admit there were a lot if information wrapped in all my posts.
> Simply put, I never wanted to move and I never had any interests making investment in housing market. I was very very happy where I was physically and financially. But the problem was, he insisted on moving, even he knew it would put us in a very bad situation financially. It is just because he wanted it. He didn't care or was ablivious about how unhappy I would be. I went along just because I wanted to keep peace in the house and protect his fragile manhood. I didn't want to be blamed as controlling, immasculating, uncompromising wife.
> Now looking at where we are, I could say 'I told you so' but I didn't. Again, to protect his feelings and self esteem.
> His selfishness or stuburness was emptying my love tank. I am dissapointed that he carelessly spend money without making much and doesn't think saving is important. NOT housing market! If you think that is who I am after carefully reading all posts, then all I can say is sorry I wasted your time.
> ...


First of all, outside of this moving/house/generator/patio thing, your posts read to me as one long poor me abstraction. Maybe you just don't express yourself very clearly, but I don't think that is it at all. I think the truth is that you are irationally angry at your husband.

If moving into a new house is something that can make you this unhappy, I submit to you that there isn't a man in the world that you will be able to have a fulfilling relationship with.
Furthermore, your evidence that he 'carelessly spent' money is very scarce. A patio and a generator? C'mon, if that's all you've got, that's nuts!

The other thing is that you agreed to move into this new house and therefore you were a party to this bad investment. It doesn't matter what excuse or justification you use, you agreed to it and you are not some helpless victim in this whole thing.

Quite honestly, based on your attitude, your husband is probably the one that should be posting here. Your feelings are irational and it's your responsibility to fix them and stop blaming someone someone that doesn't deserve it. You are also very culpable in the problems in your marriage and it's your responsibility to do something about it (and complaining with esoteric abstraction isn't going to help). I suggest you start taking responsibility for your life.


----------



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

In my opinion, it is not about what exactly one spend money on, it is about what one's income level permits. We have zero college funding for the kids, all the extra money in the last two years went to the patio and generator. You might think it is very normal. I think they are called luxury. Now with zero savings or rainy day funds, between the 2 houses we have racked up more than 800k debt. You might think that's just what American dream is. I think it is insane.
If you think my anger is totally irrational because I went along with this and am part of it, I admit my intention was to make him happy. I didn't anticipate how bad I feel about it until I think about it over and over. I never thought or said that I am the victim here. I believe this is a loose loose situation because of the mistake I made. Like I said, I realized now that we want different type of life. It will never be just a patio, a generator, or an expensive house. There will be other things coming.
If I know how to handle this situation the best way, I won't be here. I thought people here might have similar experience and or might be able to suggest constructively putting themselves in my shoes. I guess maybe 1 or 2 persons actually did that. I appreciate your time reading my irrational postings. I just want to see if anybody else has constructive suggestions.



wilderness said:


> First of all, outside of this moving/house/generator/patio thing, your posts read to me as one long poor me abstraction. Maybe you just don't express yourself very clearly, but I don't think that is it at all. I think the truth is that you are irationally angry at your husband.
> 
> If moving into a new house is something that can make you this unhappy, I submit to you that there isn't a man in the world that you will be able to have a fulfilling relationship with.
> Furthermore, your evidence that he 'carelessly spent' money is very scarce. A patio and a generator? C'mon, if that's all you've got, that's nuts!
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

dhpuod said:


> In my opinion, it is not about what exactly one spend money on, it is about what one's income level permits. We have zero college funding for the kids, all the extra money in the last two years went to the patio and generator. You might think it is very normal. I think they are called luxury. Now with zero savings or rainy day funds, between the 2 houses we have racked up more than 800k debt. You might think that's just what American dream is. I think it is insane.
> If you think my anger is totally irrational because I went along with this and am part of it, I admit my intention was to make him happy. I didn't anticipate how bad I feel about it until I think about it over and over. I never thought or said that I am the victim here. I believe this is a loose loose situation because of the mistake I made. Like I said, I realized now that we want different type of life. It will never be just a patio, a generator, or an expensive house. There will be other things coming.
> If I know how to handle this situation the best way, I won't be here. I thought people here might have similar experience and or might be able to suggest constructively putting themselves in my shoes. I guess maybe 1 or 2 persons actually did that. I appreciate your time reading my irrational postings. I just want to see if anybody else has constructive suggestions.
> 
> ...


You do realize your proposed solution of leaving the marriage is going to severely exacerbate your financial situation, right? If you think things are bad now just wait until the attorney bills come in. Add in devastated children, devastated extended families, baggage and potential health problems from coping with the devastation, and devastated xspouse...
let's just say your proposed solution doesn't sound like such a good plan.

You really think a generator and patio (that you agreed to btw) are worth all that?


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I could have written this paragraph about my wife. I spin it by admitting I can't control everything and by admitting I have a problem with Perfectionism. I am an imperfect human and make mistakes just like all the other humans. My mistakes might be different then others, but I will continue to make them. They might be related to how I handled my children or how I communicated my needs to my wife, but clearly I'm fallible in a number of ways. Therefore I need to be more accepting of others including my wife. She will accept my faults and I will accept hers. That is love. I don't think its about lying to yourself about how you feel about him. I think you're lying to yourself about how perfect you think you are.



I think that if your problem is primarily with feeling like you've made a mistake and married the wrong man for you, than Enginerd's advice is the best for you. Why stay married and miserable if it's possible for you to be humble, focus on the good parts of your husband, and love him for that? 

If it's anger over the financial situation, then I think you should try counseling to help you deal with that. Anger is a tough emotion to deal with, and help is available. I wish I had a good book to recommend, I've been meaning to look for one for myself. I'll let you know if I find one. But I'm similar to you--when I get angry, all I see is red. I have to remember that I'm incapable of seeing all sides of a story if I'm in the grips of anger. The only solution I have right now is to just wait until I get over the anger, at which point I can think rationally again. But since impatience is another weakness of mine, I'm looking for more tips here.

It's probably a combination of all these things with you guys, so I'd try to put both pieces of advice into practice.


----------

