# Who controls the mood of your home?



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I was reading a book that mentioned that the woman rules the relationship and the home when married to a typical man. That their mood and how they allow their mood to dictate how they behave affects everyone's mood in the family.

I find this to be the case in our house. My mood is fairly constant other than getting grumpy after no sex for 10 days or so. My wife controls when we have sex, so she controls my mood. 

When she is nagging at the kids about little things, it affects the mood of the children as well. We all find that when mom is in a good mood, all is good.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No one really. we broke that pattern. If we're having a bad day, we vent for a moment and let it go. Hubs and my moods are usually stable...unless days like yesterday happen and then we just vent together and have a drink.

I still have to be mom. I don't tolerate crap. So if my 12 year old would do her daily chores without me having to ask her, I wouldn't have to nag. she knows they need to get done, but everyday she "forgets". Yea. Well, momma just forgot to be cool.  But that mood doesn't carry over to my 3 year old or my husband.

I guess being a teacher has helped me deal with things like this. I can be disciplining one kid and cool with another.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The deeper question is why is it when the man is the mood controller he's a nasty abusive violent jerk and when it's the wife, she's 'being the mom'?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

that_girl said:


> So if my 12 year old would do her daily chores without me having to ask her, I wouldn't have to nag. she knows they need to get done, but everyday she "forgets". Yea. Well, momma just forgot to be cool.


:lol: Well put! :rofl: :iagree:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I guess my mood tends to rule in my household - I'm sure my hubs would agree to this. :rofl: Guess that's why they say *"If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" *


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> The deeper question is why is it when the man is the mood controller he's a nasty abusive violent jerk and when it's the wife, she's 'being the mom'?


He's only a nasty, abusive, violent jerk if he actually IS abusive, violent, nasty, ect... same goes for the woman.. Thats the way i see it anyway. There is a difference between being a mom and dad and being a control freak.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> The deeper question is why is it when the man is the mood controller he's a nasty abusive violent jerk and when it's the wife, she's 'being the mom'?


What? If my husband is disciplining our kids, he's "being a dad". Wtf. He doesn't then turn to me and yell at me and take things out on me just because our kids are being turds. And I don't take it out on him. We laugh about it actually...gotta laugh! 

 

No one here controls the moods. You have whatever mood you want. My mom controlled my childhood moods. Then I read co-dependency no more (when I was 15) and stopped that shet quickly. It's not healthy.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

It's a good thing that I'm usually in a good mood!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Gaia said:


> He's only a nasty, abusive, violent jerk if he actually IS abusive, violent, nasty, ect... same goes for the woman.. Thats the way i see it anyway. There is a difference between being a mom and dad and being a control freak.


I guess it depends on which stereotype you ascribe to. It's like the old joke "if you were my husband I'd shoot you"....

"so would I, honey".


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

all I can say is that I had the bad flight and when wifey picked me up from the airport (1 hr late flight) she was the one who was ranting....and still is.

I wish people were dogs and you could just make a loud noise and snap them out of it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good thing, Southern! 

Basically, here, we have one 'rule'. If you're gonna be funky, be funky...however, warn the people around you (and those people need to respect your request to be left alone for a bit) and don't take it personally.

When my kids are funky, and they don't want to talk about it right then, I tell them to go be funky in their room and come out when they want to talk. It seems to work.

I tell my students the same thing. Just let me know if you're in a bad mood and I'll go easy on them. Communicate.

Growing up, I would wait for my mom to come home from work and then try to read her mood. If she was upset, then I felt bad being happy. If she was happy, I felt bad being upset. That's lame.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

*Dean* said:


> Only part of the case in our household.
> 
> From time to time my wife starts to think negative about something.
> It only happens a few times a month.
> ...


So I guess your answer is YOU. Good for you that you are able to control your wife this way.

I admit my wife has the control. If she has a negative tone, I am pretty much helpless. We have talked about it and I know she has been trying to control how often this happens, but when it does ..... take cover.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

This is something my wife and I have worked on over the past year. My wife controls the mood of our home, but her method was always to send things on a downward spiral whenever she was feeling some emotional need. Then she would sit back and wait for me to "fix it" or else escalate if I didn't. Now that we're both aware of this dynamic, it's been easier to see when she begins this pattern and we avoid it much better, though it remains a problem.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

there's an old expression....."The Tyranny of the Neurotic"


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I was reading a book that mentioned that the woman rules the relationship and the home when married to a typical man. That their mood and how they allow their mood to dictate how they behave affects everyone's mood in the family.


Sadly, I believed this when I got married because that's what I saw everywhere when I grew up and in my early adulthood. I sat back and watched while my wife ran our ship to into a huge iceberg. The following rescue operations required more personal strength than I ever thought that I had, but we are now in a new vessel and I am firmly at the helm.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think you and I are very similar Dean.

I also try to be a good husband. I book all our vacations and any special events we do. I look after all our investments and make sure my wife knows what is going on, even though she isn't interested. I initiate sex probably 98% of the time.

My problem has always been with communication. The last couple of months I have been working on a couple of things and they have made a big difference in how my wife and I get along:

1) Sharing what I did during the day. My work is fairly boring (Computer Programming Stuff) and my wife has never shown an interest. In the past, I never really talked about anything that happens day to day. I have been trying to tell her more about conversations I have with clients/employees. If I keep it at a personal level instead of technical, my wife shows interest.

2) Asking about her day - Like you said you do. In the past, I would get home and sit down on the couch while she finished getting supper ready. Often I would start playing some game on my phone or watching TV. We talked, but very little. I started sitting at the island and talking to her. If the dishwasher needs loading/unloading then I do that. If I can help with supper I do that. Just spending 15 minutes or so with her, talking about her day and helping her a bit, has made us closer.

We had a break through last week when she texted me to 'come home for lunch'. She mentioned how we had the house to ourselves for a couple of hours. I have been waiting for this to happen for 10 years (since our youngest started school). I had initiated a 'nooner' a few times, but this was a first for her.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Good thing, Southern!
> 
> Basically, here, we have one 'rule'. If you're gonna be funky, be funky...however, warn the people around you (and those people need to respect your request to be left alone for a bit) and don't take it personally.
> 
> ...


This is exactly how we run our household. Hubby and I both work extremely stressful jobs and it is a constant battle to "leave it at the door" and not bring the stress of the day home. We put a conscious effort to make our home a peaceful sanctuary that is a happy place for our kids. It is probably the hardest thing to master - especially for me - however I feel it it is worth the effort. 

Hubby and I both have a way of quickly derailing the other when one of us is in a sour mood and is bringing the house down. Basically we tell the other person to go take a time out, pull yourself together and come back without the attitude. No feelings are hurt when we each say that and the offendor goes to the bedroom to collect their thoughts.

We have young children - 2 and 3 - so temper tantrums, and fighting, and not listening, and whining are a normal part of our days and when either DH or I are carrying around emotional baggage unrelated to the kids it makes us ineffective parents, we lose our patience easily and tend to blow up at the kids over small stuff. Bad moods are contagious. 

I grew up in a household with a mother who was a classic pessimist and always in a sour mood, a big complainer, glass is always empty type of person. I am very sensitive to making sure my own children do not grow up that way.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> 1) Sharing what I did during the day. My work is fairly boring (Computer Programming Stuff) and my wife has never shown an interest. In the past, I never really talked about anything that happens day to day. I have been trying to tell her more about conversations I have with clients/employees. If I keep it at a personal level instead of technical, my wife shows interest.
> 
> 2) Asking about her day - Like you said you do. In the past, I would get home and sit down on the couch while she finished getting supper ready. Often I would start playing some game on my phone or watching TV. We talked, but very little. I started sitting at the island and talking to her. If the dishwasher needs loading/unloading then I do that. If I can help with supper I do that. Just spending 15 minutes or so with her, talking about her day and helping her a bit, has made us closer.
> 
> .


Good for you for figuring this out!!! Now, can you call my husband? I have actually asked my husband to do both of these things and he doesn't seem to "get it". Especially #2. Ah well...can't have it all I guess!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Dean* said:


> When my wife gets like this, I call her Ms Negative and I refuse to be around her or talk to her.
> When the daughters were young I would take the daughters to the park, leave the house and go have fun. Let mommy be negative all by herself.
> 
> She couldn't stand to be by herself long and all the negative attitude would stop. She would say she is sorry, etc.


Just using *Dean*s post as an example...my husband is very different from this and it works well for us. 

I would have to say MY MOOD sets the tone in our family. 











Daddy keeps me pretty darn happy..... so generally our family life is very upbeat...I do tend to yell at the kids a decent amount.... I have way less patience with them over dad. Dad is wonderful, he makes every day one worth smiling about from ear to ear. 

But then there is ME....I have my moments!! A little pms, getting emotionally upset about something -generally it IS NOT him... (except when I questioned his sex drive)....so this helps !!! 

When I am MAD, emotional, UPSET, have steam to let off... It is like I NEED someone to listen to me... ..Once he does this, gives me his shoulder, lets me RANT--sometimes he laughs at me & gets me to laugh at myself... storm interrupted..... whatever I need to get out emotionally....... this is my "healing"... suddenly the heavy cloud is emptied ....and the sun is shining brightly again..and I just want to kiss him for being so damn good to me...for sticking beside me, for putting up with me. 

I can't express how much these things mean to me personally. I read alot on this forum, and I dont think this is the norm. But this has always been "our way". Walking on sunshine again.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

To the OP. Depends... we balance each others mood.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think that whomever is more moody and emotional controls the mood of the house. It is up to the calmer, more stable personality to keep things at an even keel. They can do this through gentle humor, ignoring the bad moods, talking about issues, or by pointing out that this too shall pass. It depends on the situation and the dynamic of the couple.

Of course some moody people love the power trip and attention they get by wallowing in their misery. The calm spouse has to decide if they can defuse the situation, or if it has become intolerable to them. And then there are those who do not realize what they are doing to the family with their bad moods. Someone has to be the grown-up in the household.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My older daughter is a pessimist. She bums me out a lot, but I try really hard to lift her up! or just let her be.

I think what helps me and Hubs is I get home around 3:30pm and he gets home around 8pm. that gives me time to unwind and clean up and relax and cook so when he gets home, I feel refreshed and can focus on him and we can talk about our day. But his job is usually the more stressful one...


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

My hubby says

Happy wife
Happy life

I'm not sure anyone controls the mood in our home, neither of us are particulary moody. We both have good days and bad.

Some days H brings home a good buzzing vibe becasuse he's had a great day and it's contagious. Some days I'm the 'up' one.

Same for the grumpy moods.

Whoever is feeling great can lift the lower feeling spouse up...., just got to hope your not both in a funk at the same time. 

PS: Must add we have a very dramatic & moody hormonal 13 year old in the house... we are trying really really hard to NOT let HIM control the mood in the house... these teens...their just not right in the head!!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> I think that whomever is more moody and emotional controls the mood of the house. It is up to the calmer, more stable personality to keep things at an even keel. They can do this through gentle humor, ignoring the bad moods, talking about issues, or by pointing out that this too shall pass. It depends on the situation and the dynamic of the couple.
> 
> Of course some moody people love the power trip and attention they get by wallowing in their misery. The calm spouse has to decide if they can defuse the situation, or if it has become intolerable to them. And then there are those who do not realize what they are doing to the family with their bad moods. Someone has to be the grown-up in the household.


this is me and my ex almost to the letter. His moods totally controlled the house - i'm a very calm, laid-back individual and am rarely in a bad mood. He was an adolescent boy in a man's body, throwing tantrums when things didn't go his way, getting angry at things happening at work or on the road and bringing it into the house

At our lowest point I actually used to dread him coming home because I knew that if he was in a strop there would be an atmosphere 

I will never again be in a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells - total hell


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Probably me mostly, though it's really everyone that influences the overall mood day to day.

If the kids are acting up, it's normally me who sets it right and gets them into a better mood (or at least quiet)

If my wife is down it's me who cheers her up.

I tend to try and redirect everyone to the positive as a general rule. 

When I'm in a foul or down mood, I tend to just go into my man cave... things tend to be pretty mellow when I'm down (unless the kids get fussy).


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