# Wife wanted space but is seeing boss



## dk2012

Dont know if I am handling this right....

I´ve been with my wife for 8 years, married for 4 years and have a son of 2 years. We´re 35 and 34. She was and is the woman of my dreams. She left me in sept. - asked me to let go of her and focus on myself. She "was tired and couldn´t give any more to the relationship just now" and she wanted to "find herself and get some space" and couldn´t talk about it. She just said "we both need change but I dont know what it is." I was in shock! Not aware "we" were in danger. She said she had been feeling down for the last 2-3 years. Sept. was rough living together in seperate bedrooms and she would not communicate. 

After a while I saw intimate text messages between her and her boss. I confronted her and she said she had a fling for 2 weeks and NOT an affair and the last thing she was looking for was a new relationship. That was end of sept. I believed her. She even believed it herself I think. She moved out Oct. 1st. to a small studio in the city. She asked me for a loan to finance the deposit which she got and I helped her move. We then tried our best to take care of our son and make sure he feels loved. Mid october we go on a long planned trip to visit friends abroad and she arrives 2 days later than planned, by agreement, and then spent 3 days together touring the city as a couple and sleeping in the same bed. Although no love making. 

In nov. she leaves for 3 weeks of alone time, to visit family abroad, with our son. Its the first real break we´re getting. I make the mistake of sending a 1 page letter at the end of her trip, asking her to think about whats at stake here. Why break up this beautiful family when its all just about a neglect of real communication. I really thought I did the right thing - telling her not that I have changed myself but that I had learnt things (about letting go and taking my own space) and I was ready to move on, with or without her. But naturally that I wanted her to join me. Her short answer was - "its not so much about my relationship to you, but about what I need".

Once she´s back I meet a friend of hers who tells me she knows she continued to see this man after she moved out from me. Im shocked again. I confront her again. And true, she is seeing her boss - he´s the CEO and she´s the exotic and attractive PA. She confessed to seeing him "once in a while". Im devastated again but also angry.

Not once has she said "I dont love you" or "I want a divorce". She has been stringing me along for 3-4 months with false hopes due to her own uncertainty. At one stage kissing with me and allowing me in her bed. Talking about how we could move abroad and start over. Never told me she wasn´t in love anymore - just that she loved me and wouldn´t want any other man to father her son. That Im the most beautiful person she knows. She even told me that she would probably regret this in 2 years.

But once her boss left his wife and 2 kids in late october (!) she must have gained strength to let more go of me. Just this last week I reached out one last time in a very brief mail. I said I felt she had made big choices with consequences she might not have thought through. I invited her to an open dialogue about past and future and said that if she did not want this, I want to procede with separation. 

Within the hour she wrote me a mail telling me our relationship had felt like a cage and that I had chained her up and kept her from becoming who she really is. That traditional family life is not for her. That she thought I had understood she just needed space and time but I kept coming back trying to fix things. In this mail she communicated more than she has for a long time. She wrote this mail not knowing that I had recently met her friend. And its not true - I have supported her in everything. I let go in sept when I understood what she was asking for - space for herself. And we both wanted a non traditional life, travelling etc. Once you get that baby it just settles down for a couple of years. 

Now she just wants to be free with no attachments and be an artist. The bottom line is we have a beautiful son of 2 years and she has felt bored in the relationship. We´re both entreprenuers at heart but took jobs the past year to get the finances stable while our son was little. The truth is we both wanted change but couldn´t communicate. Our relationship has been one of great love. 

I´m certain in her heart she wishes we could somehow figure it out. She cries when we talk now and is very sad. She even wrote me a text saying she is having a psycological break down and is feeling bad. When I said to her "please just speak to someone about all this" She accused me of wanting to fix her. So she tells me to let go, reaches out, then tells me I keep coming back to chain her up. Its impossible. 

I´m certain she is in a rebound relationship because she justified it with the words "it felt nice to have someone say I´m fantastic". 

I will send this letter within a day or two.

Dear

I´m okey with it - we needed a change both of us. You made your choices and I respect them. I wish you the best and that you´re happy. 

Your last email to me makes it clear how many feelings are at stake for both of us, how much we agree on vital issues, how well I actually know you. But also how much we have neglected real communication, and how much you have misunderstood my intentions for us and myself - how much you have boxed me in and put words into my mouth. I don´t want to do that anymore. Now that I know the secret to your heart even more than before, it makes it easier for me to leave. 

For my own sake I choose not to use negative energy on the way the last 3-6-9 months have been handled. We have to make sure our son of 2 years feels a maximum amount of love from us both right now as he is already affected by this in ways it may only be me experiencing right now. 

I´ll be sending the separation documents to you. 
xxxxxx


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## unbelievable

Whenever a partner says they want more space, what they almost always mean is "to make room for this other person". You caught her in an affair and she responded " "The last thing I'm looking for is a relationship". Notice she didn't say she wasn't in a relationship, just that she hadn't been looking for one. This is a key deception phrase much like asking someone if they stole money and they reply "why would I do that?" or "I can't believe you're accusing me!" She's not in a rebound relationship. She left you to be with this guy. This has never been about wanting "space" or wanting to work on herself. She just thinks she wants to be with this dude. If it doesn't work out with him, she intends to try to get back with you (unless something better pops up). That's why she mentioned that she might regret this in two years.


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## dk2012

Thanks.


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## skb

unbelievable said:


> Whenever a partner says they want more space, what they almost always mean is "to make room for this other person". .


Pefect translation! Sooner or later you'll realize she has no feelings for you any longer. Get a D. End your agony. Do you think you could ever trust her?


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## Toffer

dk,

Believe what you've been told here. This affair was what totaled your marriage.

File. Now. Go full bore 180 and move on


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## the guy

I don't know why you are sending her a letter, from were I'm sitting you are just telling her the same crap with different words...but thats just me.

If I was you I would give what she wants and go dark, get a court ordered custody schedule and deal with her only whenit comes to the kid.

Dude I can't believe your not pissed off, she takes you for a few bucks to set up her love shack and then leads you on like a dog. Sorry brother if you can't get mad then I'l get mad for you.

I personally would be very concern for this lifestyle she wants and how it works with raising your kid....you may be best served by getting primary custody and letting her see the kid from time to time.

Your poor kid has been sitting in the shadows while the both of you screw with each others emotions. If it was me I would have told her to go pound sand months ago and focused on my child!

Thats my $0.02


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## the guy

Expose this affiar. I bet the OM is still married.


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## Lon

This is all part of the affair script.


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## dk2012

Im personally giving her the docs signed in a brief meeting. There so much to say now as she so drastically has misjudged our relationship and not communicated. But I think there´s no point in talking to her. Everything seems to get turned to justify her actions. 

Should I confront the other guy? As far as my info goes - he left his wife and 2 kids in october.


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## Kronk

dk2012 said:


> Should I confront the other guy?


You should knock him the f*ck out!


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## Bremen1984

Hi dk2012 you stated “I´ve been with my wife for 8 years, married for 4 years and have a son of 2 years. We´re 35 and 34. She was and is the woman of my dreams. She left me in sept. - asked me to let go of her and focus on myself. She "was tired and couldn´t give any more to the relationship just now" and she wanted to "find herself and get some space" and couldn´t talk about it. She just said "we both need change but I dont know what it is." I was in shock! Not aware "we" were in danger. She said she had been feeling down for the last 2-3 years. Sept. was rough living together in seperate bedrooms and she would not communicate.” 
When someone any one man or woman is telling you that they need space and it is out of the blue, that would mean that she has cheated on you, sorry to say my bet would be this is not the first time she has done this. 
“After a while I saw intimate text messages between her and her boss. I confronted her and she said she had a fling for 2 weeks and NOT an affair and the last thing she was looking for was a new relationship.”
This one sound very similar to me, I found my wife sexy texting a guy from for work about a month ago, she lied and told me that they was writing a book. i found out that she has cheated on me many times, I still love her and want to be with her the trust is going to be the hardest this to rebuild in the relationship. 
If she is asking for space that would NOT only meant that there is another man but this is not the first time, and you most understand that. No person that has cheated one would EVER leave there partner after on time, this is something that she has done behind your back for a long time. 
And if she has not said it she will “we are just friends” no person would ever say ‘just’ when referring to a friend. And watch out for the “I love you, but not in love with you” if she has said this then she does love you, she really does. This means that she is confused more than you think she is.
What I would do if you want her back is this:
1. Work on you. During your marriage, you likely let yourself go. You may have gained a few pounds or simply stopped putting the effort into looking good. Well, now is the time to change all that. You've got to get groomed mister. Get that mustache trimmed. Get a haircut and get some new duds. In essence, do what you have to do to look good. Not only will this improve your self-esteem but it will make your wife take notice.
For number two you would have to know what you did/did not do, to find this out ask your wife! If she has not asked for a devoice there is some part of her that still wants you. And if she is telling you that we need to change then that would mean that you the both of you are not the people that you once were. 
2. Flip the switch. Whatever you have been doing stop doing it. If you were constantly badgering your ex with flowers, candy or cards professing your love for her then stop. If you were previously not doing anything and haven't communicated with her in months, now is the time to do so. That is, whatever you were doing previously try something different. You never know, your new attitude could very well change things for the better. Plus, at this point, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
3. Look on the brighter side. Yes, your wife cheated but all hope is not lost. Your relationship can still be repaired. Instead of complaining, use that negative energy to anchor her in. Not only will she be enthralled by your positive energy, it will likely draw her in like a magnet.
4. Show her what you've got. There are many different ways to do this. For additional information on how to make this strategy work after your cheating wife has been caught, check out the resource listed below. You'll be glad you did.


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## Toffer

Kronk said:


> You should knock him the f*ck out!


NO! Don't do this! What good does this do for your child or your reputation? What will jail time for you accomplish?

Besides, he isn't married and your wife is! All of the blame for her affair and betraying you is on her and her alone!

She is the one who choose to violate her vows to YOU
She is the one who chose to lie to you
She is the one who chose to betray you

All the OM is guilty of is accomodating her wish for some strange. Not that he isn't an [email protected] for messing with a married woman but the fact remains that she is the one who caused you the most damage


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## CH

File and move on. Looks like it's been a long term affair if the boss left his wife and kids in Oct.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

Leave her alone. How can she miss you if you don't go away. She is gone so she can do what she wants.

I would file, ask the court for custody and stop talking to her. Only talk to her about the child and only in e-mail. 

Go quiet and stick to it. Don't be her shoulder to cry on. She has made her decision and has to learn to deal with it.


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## caladan

Toffer said:


> NO! Don't do this! What good does this do for your child or your reputation? What will jail time for you accomplish?
> 
> Besides, he isn't married and your wife is! All of the blame for her affair and betraying you is on her and her alone!
> 
> She is the one who choose to violate her vows to YOU
> She is the one who chose to lie to you
> She is the one who chose to betray you
> 
> All the OM is guilty of is accomodating her wish for some strange. Not that he isn't an [email protected] for messing with a married woman but the fact remains that she is the one who caused you the most damage


Exactly! The mainstream on this site seems to be "expose, confront, blah blah". I beg to disagree. Your vow is with your missus and not with every man with a roving eye. Sort it out with her, not with him.


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## keko

Since the boss ruined your marriage, your family its time for you to expose him to make sure his career gets ruined in return.

Consult a lawyer and see if there are any ways for you to sue him and the company for the emotional/psychological distress they put you through, for a decent $$.


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## This is me

I agree with Keko. Expose him and the company. I read somewhere that in some states you can sue this guy for destroying your marriage. Consult with an attorney. Get a good one because he may have to pull in company attorneys on the company dime.


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## caladan

This is me said:


> I agree with Keko. Expose him and the company. I read somewhere that in some states you can sue this guy for destroying your marriage. Consult with an attorney. Get a good one because he may have to pull in company attorneys on the company dime.


Your wife ruined your marriage. She had a choice, she wasn't forced. 

And really? Suing for the destruction of your marriage? Slippery slope my friend. You'd need to prove he KNEW your wife was married.


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## Entropy3000

Both parties are culpable. A boss using his position to seduce a married woman is a predator. Nuke him and divorce her. 

No way I would have agreed to the whole space thing. Once she moved out she made her choice. Let her go.


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## anchorwatch

caladan said:


> And really? Suing for the destruction of your marriage? Slippery slope my friend. You'd need to prove he KNEW your wife was married.


Slippery slope? How?


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## caladan

anchorwatch said:


> Slippery slope? How?


Because the road of revenge is a treacherous, slippery slope.


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## anchorwatch

caladan said:


> Because the road of revenge is a treacherous, slippery slope.


Oh I thought you were actually speaking of exposure to a legal issue, since you mentioned what he had to prove. Thanks for clearing that up.


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## Entropy3000

caladan said:


> Because the road of revenge is a treacherous, slippery slope.


Yes. Dig two graves and that kinda thing. Indeed. Perhaps the lesson is more on the predator though. It is their journey. Their decision that starts things in motion. This does not leave the WS off the hook by any means.

The slippery slope is on those that would prey on married people. The internet is full of people with the agenda to make it sport to prey on married people. Some guys specifically target married women. 

A boss who has an affair with a subordinate deserves all the accountability that can be generated.

If you believe that no one owes the next person anything then it goes that no one deserves a free pass either. To me anyway to keep saying that an AP is not accountable is just perpetuating the rhetoric of cheating.


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## This is me

caladan said:


> You'd need to prove he KNEW your wife was married.


He was her boss! I think he knew. Nothing slippery, pretty concrete.


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## keko

caladan said:


> Because the road of revenge is a treacherous, slippery slope.


You trolling? He was her boss of course he knew she was married genious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan

keko said:


> You trolling? He was her boss of course he knew she was married genious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"Of course"? 

Nobody knows what both parties knew except both parties. Who initiated the affair? 

Either way, the guy apparently has already left his wife and kids, so the amount of damage that can be done to him by this revelation is not as much.

Besides, if she isn't the one suing, it's not going to become a corporate issue. Sexual Harassment laws don't cover the spouse of the employee to the best of my knowledge.


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## anchorwatch

caladan said:


> Besides, if she isn't the one suing, it's not going to become a corporate issue. Sexual Harassment laws don't cover the spouse of the employee to the best of my knowledge.



Is this a legal opinion?


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## caladan

anchorwatch said:


> Is this a legal opinion?


I'm not a lawyer unfortunately, so no, it's not.

I however find the idea that a spouse can sue for sexual harassment based on a relationship (to all intents mutual) between his wife and her boss.

Again - not a legal opinion, I don't know the laws and they may vary from state to state.


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## Entropy3000

The sooner he does this at her work the better. It may even help save his marriage.


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## caladan

Entropy3000 said:


> The sooner he does this at her work the better. It may even help save his marriage.


I honestly have to ask here - how does this save his marriage?

Of course I'll admit - I view marriage as a legally accepted relationship. I don't have any idea of a monogamous relationship that would survive cheating - she cheats, I'm out, but that's just me.

But - you may have a point. If there's a chance that this is more likely to save his marriage, he really has nothing to lose. Go ahead and expose.


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## This is me

This guy was her superior. He may be liable in some states for damage to the OP's marriage.


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## Entropy3000

caladan said:


> I honestly have to ask here - how does this save his marriage?
> 
> Of course I'll admit - I view marriage as a legally accepted relationship. I don't have any idea of a monogamous relationship that would survive cheating - she cheats, I'm out, but that's just me.
> 
> But - you may have a point. If there's a chance that this is more likely to save his marriage, he really has nothing to lose. Go ahead and expose.


I would not accept a PA. But this takes an understanding of what EAs are. Emotional bonds run on a continuum. An EA would also be a dealbreaker for me IF the intent was to cheat from the get go.

However most workplace EAs are people getting too close do to the bonding and working together and so on.

I see the following :

Inappropriate Behavior --> Unfaithfulness --> Cheating.

The above has plenty of gray but to me unfaithfulness is any willfull act that is not faithful. This is a far cry from penetration but where most marriages are destroyed.

My wife saved our marriage by engaging early. I did not believe I was in an EA. But after I went through withdrawal I realized I was. That was fifteen years ago.


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