# I'm so lost!



## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

Hi,
I am 30 and have been married for 5 years to my wife who is 35.

My wife and I separated 5 months ago. I had been unfaithful to her (not physical) and she found the evidence on my computer. Looking back now, the last couple years haven't been great between us. She's never really been able to forgive me for finding porn on my computer, and would still bring it up occasionally years after it was found.

She told me she was going to move out of our house back in April. This was a couple weeks after she found where I had been unfaithful online. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew that I had made a mistake but didn't think it would come to this. Looking back, I have definately handled the past 5 months very poorly.

I moved into my parents home until she moved out of our house. I knew I couldn't be around her then because I would lose my composure and resort to begging/pleading. She lost her job a few months ago and we came to an agreement that she could use our joint cc to buy essentials until she found a new job. She wound up putting almost $10,000 on the CC in a couple months time, buying a new couch for her new apartment, pedicures etc. I think it is because she was depressed.. originally she said she only wanted a separation to see how she feels but slowly that has turned into her 100% wanting a divorce (so she says anyways) . She's been saying that for 5 months though and nothing has happened. 

After reading about 20 pages of this post:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/51624-desperate.html


Ive come to the realization that my approach has been completely wrong. Conrad, you really know what your talking about. Are you a counselor IRL? Reading your posts on how to act during a separation really opened my eyes up to how I have been. I have been acting too clingy and needy since we split up. After a very heated argument a few months ago she blocked my phone number, so we were communicating only through email for a while. Then another round of arguments and she blocked my email last week.

So here's where I stand:
5 months separated, blocked email and phone number, and she has been steadfast in saying she wants a divorce. It doesn't look to good for me, but I think I may still have a chance.

She did do something strange at the end of last week. She called me from her work phone and asked me if I had came up to the new building she works in. This is the first time she has initiated contact in over a month I told her no, she said thanks and hung up on me quickly. I didn't call her back immediately like I think she wanted me to, so a few hours later she has her best friend text me and ask me if I had flowers delivered to her new office. Apparently flowers were delivered to her at work with no name on them, so she assumed it was me. I told her friend no, it wasn't me who sent them, must be another guy. I dunno if she forward that message to my W but i hope she didn't, because looking back at it now it's a weak statement.

Thinking that was the end of that, I forgot about it. The next day she calls again from her office and asks me if I had flowers delivered, I said no and she actually stayed on the phone and chatted with me for a few minutes. I called her at work the next day (shouldn't have done that) she angrily answered and told me not to call her at work. That's the last time I spoke to her. I am going to go the 180 route now. I know it's going to be hard for me but I think I'm at that point that I realize I need to focus on myself and fix my issues, and if she decides to start talking to me again then great, but I won't base my life on her decision. 

I guess this post is just me venting. I have been NC for 2 days now, and I don't plan on contacting her at all until she is ready and she makes that effort. Wish me luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that she has not contacted you much at all for some weeks/months.

You seem confused about the 180. The 180 is not no contact. The 180 is about you not acting emotional, clingy and needy around her.

So that means you have had little to no contact. So what difference will going no contact right now make if you have been no contact?

You say that you had a non physical affair, or emotional affair, online. Was there cyber sexing and intimate sexual talk? How long did this relationship go on?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why don't you just file? She said she wants a divorce. Take her at her word. Or do you want another 10k of debt? Divorce is cheaper.

Staying married doesn't keep you in play. It keeps you stuck. Divorce does not rule out a future with her. It just gets you out of neutral.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You say that she has not contacted you much at all for some weeks/months.
> 
> You seem confused about the 180. The 180 is not no contact. The 180 is about you not acting emotional, clingy and needy around her.
> 
> ...



It wasn't even a relationship. I sent a couple emails to a couple girls. Then I took a look at myself and decided this isn't something I want to do and didn't follow up on it. Three weeks later she found the fake email account I had created to send these emails. That was the last straw for her, a couple weeks later is when she told me she was leaving. 

Maybe I don't fully understand the 180 approach. I'll research it more today.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Why don't you just file? She said she wants a divorce. Take her at her word. Or do you want another 10k of debt? Divorce is cheaper.
> 
> Staying married doesn't keep you in play. It keeps you stuck. Divorce does not rule out a future with her. It just gets you out of neutral.


I do not want a divorce. It's not possible for her to rack any more debt on our cc as I called last week and completely cancel it. A problem I am having now is she will not help me pay the CC bill, even though she's the one who got it so high. I don't know if I should press the issue right now and force her to help pay it. I am going to move back in with my parents and rent our house out. That way I will be able to pay the bills and take that burden off her right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

skyway said:


> It wasn't even a relationship. I sent a couple emails to a couple girls. Then I took a look at myself and decided this isn't something I want to do and didn't follow up on it. Three weeks later she found the fake email account I had created to send these emails. That was the last straw for her, a couple weeks later is when she told me she was leaving.
> 
> Maybe I don't fully understand the 180 approach. I'll research it more today.


For the 180, see the link in my signature block below.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

skyway said:


> I do not want a divorce. It's not possible for her to rack any more debt on our cc as I called last week and completely cancel it. A problem I am having now is she will not help me pay the CC bill, even though she's the one who got it so high. I don't know if I should press the issue right now and force her to help pay it. I am going to move back in with my parents and rent our house out. That way I will be able to pay the bills and take that burden off her right now.


In the divorce, you can ask for the bills to be split 50/50.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> For the 180, see the link in my signature block below.



Thanks, I'm about to read it. 

So the 180 is really about focusing on yourself. Act as if you could take or leave the relationship. Don't talk about the changes you have made, they will be noticed by the spouse if your truly following the 180 and bettering yourself.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do you blame her for ending it? She is a smart girl. If she had let you get away with it you would have done it again. Maybe followed through.

Learn your lesson and don't do this to the next woman.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

skyway said:


> I do not want a divorce. It's not possible for her to rack any more debt on our cc as I called last week and completely cancel it. A problem I am having now is she will not help me pay the CC bill, even though she's the one who got it so high. I don't know if I should press the issue right now and force her to help pay it. I am going to move back in with my parents and rent our house out. That way I will be able to pay the bills and take that burden off her right now.


I think you should want a divorce........Your wife's behavior is that of a manipulative psycho. She going to make your life increasing more miserable if you do not get out of this marriage.......



> She's never really been able to forgive me for finding porn on my computer, and would still bring it up occasionally years after it was found.


Really? Giving your johnson a little workout with some porn on your PC is an "unforgivable offense" from your wife........I bet 99% of married men do this now and then.......she is a nut.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

Counterfit said:


> I think you should want a divorce........Your wife's behavior is that of a manipulative psycho. She going to make your life increasing more miserable if you do not get out of this marriage.......
> 
> 
> 
> Really? Giving your johnson a little workout with some porn on your PC is an "unforgivable offense" from your wife........I bet 99% of married men do this now and then.......she is a nut.


She definitely has her own issues. I've learned a lot during the past few months about different personalities. I believe she is a "splitter".
For as long as I have known her, she has used this tactic. She either completely likes you, or she hates you. no gray area. She works in the law field and has worked for 6 different law firms in the past 6 years. At every job, after a few months she always focuses on someone at work that she despises. It usually ends up with her quitting, getting laid off, or getting fired. Her most recent job, she was fired because she couldn't get along with a manager (All I would hear when I got home from work ever day was that this manager has it out for her). 

She does show other signs of bi-polar disorder, or maybe borderline personality. Early in our relationship she woke up on the couch one night while I was watching tv and proceeded to berate me for absolutely no reason. My phone accidentally dialed my parents (it was in my pocket) and even they heard the whole thing. She had anorexia in her early 20's also. I don't know if she had some kind of emotional shock when she was younger or what.
Also, a couple weeks ago at a wedding (my wife didn't attend with me) I was told by a friend of hers that while I was in Afghanistan a few years ago, my wife would tell her friend crazy stories about me like how I never curse and have never looked at porn (this was a year after she found porn on my computer) And how it was almost like she was putting me on a pedestal, and that I was better then the other Marines I was with. I thought this was strange so I researched it, it's called idealization and it is a symptom of borderline personality disorder. She also has an extreme fear or abandonment; She didn't want any family except for her to be present when I returned from the war. She just wanted it to be her, she was worried that I wouldn't pay her enough attention when I saw her if our family was there also.

I do love her though. When things were good, they were great. I think I just need to focus on myself right now. Stop worrying about what she is doing or thinking. Right now I'm hoping to eventually have open communication with her after a period of NC.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Do you blame her for ending it? She is a smart girl. If she had let you get away with it you would have done it again. Maybe followed through.
> 
> Learn your lesson and don't do this to the next woman.



No I don't blame her. And my actions over the last 5 months have frankly been unacceptable now that I look back. Begging, pleading, crying, not adhering to the boundaries she set up, trying to manipulate her into coming back (this one really hurts me now that I have realized I was doing it). I hope i don't have to use the lessons learned on the next woman. I'm still hopeful that this marriage can be salvaged.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

skyway said:


> She does show other signs of bi-polar disorder, or maybe borderline personality.


Sky, if you're interested, I describe the differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW of 15 years) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. I also describe the red flags for BPD at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. Take care, Sky.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Okay, actually *I* am so lost.

You had an online EA, she found out, she hates porn, she found out you're into it and flipped out (was there an agreement that you wouldn't?), but I am supposing the real root issue with you two is that you've lied and hidden things from her, in addition to your EA which is infidelity, so she's moved out, found she doesn't miss you very much, so continues to fade away.

And you think "begging and pleading" was the reason. Which, fwiw, is pretty much the advice we'd give to a WS -- but not to a BS.

You are the WS here. She was betrayed. We'd advise HER not to beg and plead for you to stop, to do a 180 if needed to show you she can live without you if you,re going to be unfaithful. Sounds like she kinda did. 

And we'd advise YOU to show full remorse for your actions, beg her forgiveness. But now You want to 180?


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

2xloser said:


> Okay, actually *I* am so lost.
> 
> You had an online EA, she found out, she hates porn, she found out you're into it and flipped out (was there an agreement that you wouldn't?), but I am supposing the real root issue with you two is that you've lied and hidden things from her, in addition to your EA which is infidelity, so she's moved out, found she doesn't miss you very much, so continues to fade away.
> 
> ...



Yea, I am the BS. I'm not denying that. And it does seem like she did a 180, even if she doesn't know what that is. 

All I'm asking is if I should take some pointers from the 180 and apply them to my situation. Obviously me begging her just makes me more unattractive to her, as well as some other things I have done. 

Another thing. she has been telling me she wants a divorce for 5 months now. I asked her the other day if she wants it so bad, then why hasn't she filed yet? She told me that with her new job, it's hard for her to get to the courthouse and file (even though she works blocks from the courthouse). Also, she has been at this new job for 2 months now. I don't know if she is stalling on purpose or what. I do know that if I wanted a divorce but I was always busy, I would find a way to MAKE time to go and get it done. Either she's not entirely sure yet whether she really wants the divorce, or something else is holding her up.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

Uptown said:


> Sky, if you're interested, I describe the differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW of 15 years) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. I also describe the red flags for BPD at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. Take care, Sky.


I just read your detailed description of BPD, and wow, it was like reading a book on my wife.

I may know where it stems from, too. When she was young (not sure the age, under 10) she really had no relationship with her mothers parents (her grandparents) as her family lived in Florida, and her grandparents lived in Maine. There's a story that she has told me many times, it goes like this: When she was young, she flew up to Maine alone to visit her grandparents. One evening she was asked to do a chore by her grandmother (laundry or something like that) which she did. A while later, she heard her grandmother on the phone talking with her mother. She heard her grandmother _lying_ to her mother, telling her that she told my W to do chores and she didn't do them. Every time I have heard her tell this story I could hear the pain in her voice. That her own grandmother would lie to make her grand daughter look bad in front of my W's mother. The grandmother that was suppose to love and nurture her granddaughter, betrayed her instead. I think this event had a profound affect on her, and the fact that she has no relationship with her grandparents even to this day. One of her favorite things to complain about is how her cousins (who live a lot closer to the grandparents) are the "favorites", get stuff from the grandparents, and have a good relationship with them. I've even seen her receive birthday cards from her grandmother, not even open them, and toss them in the trash. She literally _despises_ her own grandmother.

I do love her more than anything else in the world though. And I can't forget the fact that the predicament I'm in right now is my own fault. Right now I am cutting off contact with her, going to let her make the next move. She knows how I feel, She's read page after page that I've written professing how deeply sorry I am for what I did. There's really nothing I can do but wait it out at this point. I will keep this thread updated on what happens.

I have a quick question though. She doubled our CC debt in the time span of a couple months earlier this year right after we separated. I'm talking about $10,000+ in new debt in a very short amount of time, which she refuses to help me pay now. Anytime I ask her about helping me with the CC bill that SHE caused, she just ignores me. I sent her a letter yesterday telling her I was moving out of our house (I can't afford to live here by myself anymore) and in with my parents, and that I was going to rent out our home. I also told her not to worry about helping out with the CC bill right now. I was getting notices in the mail from her bank a few weeks ago that she had -$500 in her checking account from overdraft fees. It had breakdowns of each purchase that caused an overdraft charge. When I brought this up to her, She denied it and said it was the banks mistake and she had already corrected it. Should I push the issue and make her help me pay the CC bill? I should be able to pay it fine without her help once I move in with my parents, but it's the principle of it. I didn't incur those charges, she did. Right now though I don't want to stir up the hornets nest.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

skyway said:


> She heard her grandmother _lying_ to her mother, telling her that she told my W to do chores and she didn't do them.... I think this event had a profound affect on her.


Perhaps so, Sky. It seems very unlikely, however, that it caused her to have strong BPD traits. Typically, the childhood trauma that is believed to cause BPD (together with genetics) occurs before age five -- at which time it is able to freeze the child's emotional development at about age 3 or 4. In contrast, your W apparently didn't even start having a relationship with her grandmother until she was 10. Moreover, her relationship with her own parents would have been much more important.



> Should I push the issue and make her help me pay the CC bill?


Yes, but the only way you can "make her" do anything is to file for divorce and rely on the judge to enforce a 50/50 split of your debts and assets. As long as you are still married, you cannot count on her to do anything, no matter what she promises. An emotionally unstable person can have the best of intentions and then, in ten seconds, completely turn on you while splitting you black.

Further, if she is a BPDer, it will be impossible for you to build up a store of good will on which you can later draw during the hard times. Trying to build up a lasting sense of gratitude and appreciation in a BPDer is as foolish as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. The gratitude will be washed aside by the next tide of emotions flooding her mind. 

The reason is that a BPDer's "reality" is the set of intense feelings she is experiencing from moment to moment. This is why, with BPDers, it is always "what have you done for me LATELY?" This means that, even if you were to pay off the full $10,000 today by yourself, there is little or no chance of her appreciating it two weeks from now.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

Uptown said:


> Yes, but the only way you can "make her" do anything is to file for divorce and rely on the judge to enforce a 50/50 split of your debts and assets. As long as you are still married, you cannot count on her to do anything, no matter what she promises. An emotionally unstable person can have the best of intentions and then, in ten seconds, completely turn on you while splitting you black.
> 
> Further, if she is a BPDer, it will be impossible for you to build up a store of good will on which you can later draw during the hard times. Trying to build up a lasting sense of gratitude and appreciation in a BPDer is as foolish as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. The gratitude will be washed aside by the next tide of emotions flooding her mind.
> 
> The reason is that a BPDer's "reality" is the set of intense feelings she is experiencing from moment to moment. This is why, with BPDers, it is always "what have you done for me LATELY?" This means that, even if you were to pay off the full $10,000 today by yourself, there is little or no chance of her appreciating it two weeks from now.



The last thing in the world I want to do is file for divorce. I check the county public records website every day with a lump in my throat to see if she has filed yet. Plus, Florida is the most expensive state in the country to file for divorce, its $409 which I don't have just laying around. I figured if I solely paid the CC bill that would build some good will with her but i guess that is naive. 

Is it possible to reconcile with a BPD'er? I'm almost certain that is what she has. If I don't contact her for a while (weeks or a few months) will she cave in and start talking to me again? I'm miserable right now not knowing what will happen. These last 5 months have been horrible.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

skyway said:


> I solely paid the CC bill that would build some good will with her but i guess that is naive.


What was the result of all your other sacrifices and gifts to her? How long did the appreciation last? If she is a BPDer as you suspect, you were lucky if you got a week or two of appreciation (when the gift was very expensive). The reason is that a BPDer has a powerful need to validate her false self image of always being "The Victim." Toward that end, she must perceive of you as "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of her every misfortune. Hence, her being appreciative of you for very long destroys the very self image she is trying to validate.



> Is it possible to reconcile with a BPD'er?


Yes, absolutely. Indeed, it likely will happen many times if your W is a BPDer. A recent survey at BPDfamily found that 75% of BPDer relationships go through 3 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending permanently. Moreover, 40% of such relationships went through 6 or more breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 23% went through 10 or more of those cycles before ending.



> If I don't contact her for a while (weeks or a few months) will she cave in and start talking to me again?


Most likely, yes, if she is a BPDer. One of the hallmarks of a BPDer is the cycle of push-you-away (by creating arguments over nothing) and pull-you-back (by love bombing you).



> I'm miserable right now not knowing what will happen. These last 5 months have been horrible.


To be emotionally healthy, it is important that you take responsibility for your own happiness and not depend on a woman to "make you happy." If you've been married for 5 years to a BPDer, as you suspect, you almost certainly are an excessive caregiver like me. This means that your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are). The result is that you will keep helping a woman -- and trying to save her -- even when it is very harmful to you to do so. A good explanation of how we got to be that way during our childhoods is provided by Shari Schreiber at Core Injury.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Forget whether she is disposable.

Number one, you do not teach someone to treat you well by not having boundaries. And you will never help them be the best them they can be without boundaries,either.

She asked to use the joint credit for her own purposes. You graciously agreed.

As an adult she is obligated to follow through on her commitments to you and the bank.

It is not sensible for you to attempt to buy ANYONE's love or loyalty.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Forget whether she is disposable.
> 
> Number one, you do not teach someone to treat you well by not having boundaries. And you will never help them be the best them they can be without boundaries,either.
> 
> ...


It's too late now. I've already told her that i would be paying the bill for the foreseeable future. I would look really bad if I backtracked on that just days after I told her that.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What's the foreseeable future? You can tell her until a certain date, with the holidays coming up you can't afford to keep paying her bills.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> It is not sensible for you to attempt to buy ANYONE's love or loyalty.


:iagree: yes! 

Cut that arrangement as short as you can, no matter what you ultimately do. And you ask in the next breath why she hasn't filed for D ?

There is just no reason to be broken-hearted AND broke if you can help it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

skyway said:


> Yea, I am the *BS*. I'm not denying that. And it does seem like she did a 180, even if she doesn't know what that is.


Just to clarify the lingo around here.....

BS = betrayed spouse

WS = wayward spouse

you are not the BS. You are the Ws.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Forget whether she is disposable.
> 
> Number one, you do not teach someone to treat you well by not having boundaries. And you will never help them be the best them they can be without boundaries,either.
> 
> ...



I'll wait a month then tell her she she needs to start helping with it in november.

I'm not trying to buy her love. Some the debt is from me also, although the majority is her. Does it makme look weak in her eyes by paying it by myself?


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

I didn't mention this before.. I got the "I love you but not in love with you" from her about a month before she found the stuff I was doing online.. I didn't think much of it at the time because honestly I felt the same way.. now I realize that should have been a huge red flag for me.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

File for divorce. 

You don't really have a choice. It'll end up in divorce (a nasty one most likely) anyway, but you can maintain a level of control over it by filing first and anticipating her next move.

You really need to work on your knowledge of personality disorders and your own self-awareness. You sound absolutely clueless. BPDfamily website is your friend. Use it.

Also, there's a link in my signature (Do you love to be needed or need to be loved). You should read it (many times) and understand why you're attracted to people like your wife.

You did wrong by attempting to cheat on her, but at this point, that sounds like the least of your worries. Your marriage was doomed from the very get-go.

Listen to what Uptown says. You're not going to beat the odds with this. I know your pain because I lived it for 12 years.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Don't be so hasty deciding what she was thinking or what her problems are. She could have just as easily sensed you were up to something and was steeling herself even before she discovered what you were doing.

Women sense a lot. Don't ever forget that.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

synthetic said:


> File for divorce.
> 
> You don't really have a choice. It'll end up in divorce (a nasty one most likely) anyway, but you can maintain a level of control over it by filing first and anticipating her next move.
> 
> ...



No offence, but you sound clueless. My marriage was doomed from the get go you say? And you came to that conclusion from reading a couple pages of posts by me? While I may eventually be the one that ends up filing, my marriage was definitely not doomed from the get-go. And while I may not be able to articulate on this website very well why I think she has BPD, I've known her for almost 7 years and she definitely shows alot of signs that she has a personality disorder. Honestly, your post sounds like sour grapes because you were married to someone with BPD and it didn't work out for you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

skyway said:


> My marriage was doomed from the get go you say? And you came to that conclusion from reading a couple pages of posts by me?


Sky, I believe Synth came to that conclusion from your statement that she appears to have many strong BPD traits. It is Synth's experience -- and mine as well -- that you will find yourself in a lose-lose situation if your W has most BPD traits at a strong level. That is, you likely will eventually end up in a divorce because she will be unhappy with you NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.

The reason is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. To avoid triggering her engulfment fear, you must back away from her and give her space and time alone. Yet, to avoid triggering her abandonment fear, the opposite is required, i.e., you must draw close to her and comfort her. 

Hence, it is impossible to avoid triggering one of the fears (and hence her rage) without simultaneously drawing closer to triggering the other fear. Importantly, there is no safe midpoints position where you can avoid triggering both of those fears. I know only because I foolishly spent 15 years looking for that Goldilocks position that is not too close and not to far away. I found that it does not exist.

The result is that your marriage to a BPDer will be numerous cycles of push-you-away and pull-you-back until it eventually ends for good. As the years go by, the BPDer will become increasingly resentful of your inability to make her happy -- an impossible task. And her fear of abandonment likely will get worse as she sees her body aging. It therefore is common for the BPDers to preemptively abandon us caregivers after about 12 to 15 years of marriage.

Although this is the likely outcome if your W has strong BPD traits, your chance of success is much greater under two circumstances. One is that your W has only mild to moderate (not strong) BPD traits, in which case you may be able to avoid most of the abuse by using validation techniques (e.g., those taught in _Stop Walking on Eggshells_). The other favorable circumstance would be that your W is one of those rare BPDers who is sufficiently self aware to stay in therapy long enough (several years at least) to make a real difference.


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## skyway (Sep 14, 2014)

Uptown said:


> skyway said:
> 
> 
> > My marriage was doomed from the get go you say? And you came to that conclusion from reading a couple pages of posts by me?
> ...



Ok, that makes sense, and I apologize to you synth for jumping to the wrong conclusion regarding your post. I don't know if her BPD is extreme or mild. I'm not a doctor so I may be completely wrong in saying she has it. I do know that she possesses almost all the traits for BPD that I have read about.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

skyway said:


> Ok, that makes sense, and I apologize to you synth for jumping to the wrong conclusion regarding your post. I don't know if her BPD is extreme or mild. I'm not a doctor so I may be completely wrong in saying she has it. I do know that she possesses almost all the traits for BPD that I have read about.



No offense taken. I was in your shoes for years and was repeatedly offended by people making comments similar to mine. My apologies if it came out the wrong way.

Did you read the link in my signature? It's an eye opener.

skyway,

There's no question that you've been living in dysfunction. How you perceive your marriage, your actions and your wife's actions are all polluted with a thick layer of doubt at all times. That's the exponentially destructive effect of dysfunction. It makes everything gray to the point that distinguishing between 'good' and 'bad' becomes almost impossible.

Marriage with a personality disordered spouse is doomed from the get-go because dysfunction is born instantly with it (if not already affecting everything). So many wrongs become right, and so many rights become wrong because both parties are enmeshed in a clusterf*** of codependency, narcissism and resentment. It's hell.

Unfortunately, it's almost always impossible to get out of this hell without divorcing and healing. The most foolish thing one can do is to consider one's case 'special' or extraordinary. That mistake always ends up being very costly. Mine did.


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