# Dealing with (wifes) menopause



## p16826 (Aug 16, 2021)

Must admit I find it really tough and I don't think I'm taking the right approach.

At the moment, shes either sleeping or in a mood. Its like a black cloud following around the house.
Some of the stuff she comes up with - I just think "eh have you gone insane?"

She'll lose her temper at nothing. At random it seems. She seems to actually get a kick out of criticising me sometimes I'm sure.

She'll do or say things to me that, if I've said in the past, would cause holy hell. But she justifies it with "well you shouldn't have...." Eh?

Today she asked me something, I was in the middle of sorting the TV Sat box I said "one sec". So she repeated, I saig again calmly "yeh just one sec".
Shes off raising her voice "YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT AND CALM DOWN". "CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN, CALM DOWM".

Like WTF! Shes knows this winds me up so was just trying to get a rise out of me. Why I don't know? She can be a massive bully sometimes.....

I try to let a lot of stuff go, or at least, not let it escalate but I'm not the best. It just annoys me so much that shes constantly like this and causing an argument over nothing.... Yeh I know don't take it personally but sometimes.....

So any advice?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What treatment is she having for the menopause?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Not all women going through menopause treat their partner like crap and _decide_ not to control their temper and behavior even if they are physically not feeling great, you know that, right?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

p16826 said:


> Must admit I find it really tough and I don't think I'm taking the right approach.
> 
> At the moment, shes either sleeping or in a mood. Its like a black cloud following around the house.
> Some of the stuff she comes up with - I just think "eh have you gone insane?"
> ...


The time to talk to her about it is only when you're both calm. Tell her she needs to try to keep herself from yelling and ask what she'd prefer you to do when she is emotional.


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## hplove (Jan 19, 2021)

we are slaves to our hormones, she might want to talk to her doctor about that.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

p16826 said:


> Must admit I find it really tough and I don't think I'm taking the right approach.
> 
> At the moment, shes either sleeping or in a mood. Its like a black cloud following around the house.
> Some of the stuff she comes up with - I just think "eh have you gone insane?"
> ...


Sorry you and your wife are going through this. I don't know at what stage of the menopause your wife is, but I can share my own experience. I am 51 and earlier this year I started to have hot flashes and although I am usually calm and easy going, I became moody and started to act in a dramatic way that is so unlike me. After any dramatic scene I would feel very bad, and it was making my life miserable. I still have a VERY regular period. I consulted with an obs/gyn, who ordered a blood test to see my hormone levels. Everything is within the norm still, but because I am experiencing very annoying symptoms he prescribed for me estrogen patches. These patches release a very low dose of estrogen around the clock, so there are no highs and downs, and I change them every week. They're invisible as well. All the symptoms I was experiencing are now gone. I went back to normal life. 

Your wife needs to consult with a doctor and ask for a low dosage treatment. They prescribe them to women with no history of breast/ovary cancer. Good luck!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PMS and Menopause are no excuse to be a *****. In the moment, yes, sometimes we really can't help it and we just snap (I'm starting menopause now, I get it). That doesn't mean we don't owe an apology later. We are still responsible for our conduct.

I'm having "mini" hot flashes. Mainly late evening, all of a sudden I become incredibly hot from the inside out. No sweats yet but it's only a matter of time, lol. I've said to my husband, that when things ramp up and we're in the thick of it, that while I ask that he shows me some grace, that in the moment I really can't help it, that he also holds me to account and expects an apology when I've calmed down.

We both think that I'll become teary and emotional rather than a *****, but just in case, I wanted to make sure he gets it and holds me responsible 😂


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

If your wife is talking to you like you're a POS letting it go is not an option. You don't have to lose your cool but at very least a forceful "don't talk to me like that" is in order. 

She'll probably start to feel a lot better if you don't let her get away with that. It's unnerving for some women if they have a guy they can push around.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I would be asking her at that point, "Are you insane? You are the only one here that needs to calm down." 

Hell, acting like that i might get a VAR and start recording our interactions.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Menopause is no excuse to treat your spouse like crap. 

Yes you have to deal with the hot flashes though. My poor husband had to deal with me rolling the car window down in February because I was sooooo uncomfortable. He dutifully froze for about 30 miles until I cooled off enough to close the window but I wasn't nasty to him. I actually suggested he pull over & I would just stand outside while he stayed warm in the car. He preferred to keep driving. 

Assume your W is crazy & that she will fly off the handle without provocation so try not to take it personally. Let her rant around you while you remain basically oblivious to it. If she says something, explain that when she starts being civil again, you will care again.


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## p16826 (Aug 16, 2021)

Forgot to say she started the patches a few months ago....

Its a bit different here in the UK. Bascially you have to pay to see a specialist (or wait about a year for free on the NHS). 
To be fair, she was pro-active in this and did see a consultant. (Who basically advised to increase the patches and then start testosterone too in a few months - this was v low).

Not so sure she gets the hot flushes etc. its mainly tiredness. She has fibromyalgia too so its like piled on top of that so I get it.
She works part-time and we've got a 17 year old and an 8 year old - vastly different problems there!

But yeh I agree she goes too far..... Will it change? Who knows?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You need to calmly inform her that her recent behavior is unacceptable. Once you've done that, you need to initiate consequences, and then double down on those when she keeps it up.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

p16826 said:


> So any advice?


If this doesn't stop she might continue being disrespectful even after her menopause passes, she will get used to you being a push-over!
My advice is to do what my older brother did, and it worked!
He made it clear to his wife that he will not accept any more disrespect, she didn't stop, while she had her outburst again he stood and after she finished he told her are you done? and calmly walked and packed a bag and left the house, as he was leaving he said to her exactly two things:
1- He will not be in a marriage where he is disrespected.
2- He will later come to pick up his remaining things.
She was in a complete shock and started to apologize, begging him to stay she even tried to block the door, he went away for a week, she didn't even know where he was (I did) and he never responded to her messages or calls, he simply ghosted her completely!
She was calling me every day crying and asking me to intervene, they have 3 kids, the kids got very angry at their mom and were asking her all the time where is dad!
Just before he returned he made it clear that he has Zero tolerance for disrespect and if it happens again he will leave and never return!
After this incident she never ever disrespected him again not willingly at least and always apologized if she felt she did!
The kids learned to not tolerate and accept such an abuse in a relationship under any label!

You might wonder why she didn't control herself before and now she can while still going through her menopause? because this time she was more aware of her behaviour and how it will affect the people around her, she knows she cant just do and say what she wants and have no consequences. the same when she goes out and interact with people outside, does you wife do this crap to other people or at shops or at work?

*Ok, can she do these outburst with her boss at work?!* I bet you not *Why?!* because she knows there will be consequences!
*Then how can she have more respect to her boss but not her husband?!
How the f*** can she control her moods at work but craps on every one at home?!
Why do it to the person who loves you and cares about you?! *

Simple, because that person (the husband) never shows her any consequences for her bad behaviour (he is push-over and a doormat) and makes excuses such as:


> Not so sure she gets the hot flushes etc. its mainly tiredness. She has fibromyalgia too so its like piled on top of that so I get it.


Before you plan something like my brother you should talk to her first in a loving caring way and make it clear that her behaviour is affecting you and you will not tolerate any more disrespect from her.
If she can meet her bosses expectations at work she should be able to do the same for her loving husband at home!
My brother stayed in an Airbnb for a week, I offered him to come over to my place but he didn't want to because my wife is a good friends to his.
He read like 3 relationship books with his kindle while he was staying there.

The key point is not to scream at her or disrespect your wife, but you must always act strong, calm and decisive (I know you British men are very calm and always afraid to rock the relationship boat  )

I have a huge circle of friends here in Germany and the UK (I worked in London for many many years), and I can confirm that the men that had the balls to stand up for themselves and were strong and decisive are married happily to this day, the others who were afraid, and very nice (Nice Guys) are the ones that got divorced by their wives, and some of them got cheated on horribly.

She will be more attracted to you on so many levels when you show strength and decisiveness, women are very attracted to men who take what they want and have zero tolerance for bull s***!
Women hate Nice Guys, push-overs, passive men and cowards who don't stand up for themselves!
You can do it, just set the boundaries, and enforce it!

Good luck!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

p16826 said:


> Forgot to say she started the patches a few months ago....
> 
> Its a bit different here in the UK. Bascially you have to pay to see a specialist (or wait about a year for free on the NHS).
> To be fair, she was pro-active in this and did see a consultant. (Who basically advised to increase the patches and then start testosterone too in a few months - this was v low).
> ...


Didnt know they had patches, my wife had complete hystorectomy at about 45. She uses compounded testosterone and progesterone cream daily and taked bioidentical estrodial that disolves under her tongue. It is nice. She is very level emotionally, No period, no pain, no rollercoaster emotions, always ready for intimacy. No dryness unless dehydrared. Now she is just Dr.Jekyll, Mrs. Hyde is gone! We are both very greatful for the hystorectomy.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

we don't get women telling the police "I AN IN Menopause " as an excuse for anything ,
this sounds as bad as the people that can say men can get away with fighting or beating their wife because of their testosterone


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

A 17 year old, a 8 year old, works part time, she has fibromyalgia and now the menopause... I'm not surprised she is shouting a lot...


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> A 17 year old, a 8 year old, works part time, she has fibromyalgia and now the menopause... I'm not surprised she is shouting a lot...


Ya at the poor husband, but not at work!
Makes you think!


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

"She has fibromyalgia too so its like piled on top of that so I get it. " -- So I'm going to assume a history of depression/anxiety to go along with the already big pile of stuff.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Coudl she be drepressed? You mentioned a dark cloud and her sleeping a lot. May not even be related to menopause.


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## Ricks (Apr 14, 2021)

p16826 said:


> Must admit I find it really tough and I don't think I'm taking the right approach.
> 
> At the moment, shes either sleeping or in a mood. Its like a black cloud following around the house.
> Some of the stuff she comes up with - I just think "eh have you gone insane?"
> ...


I'm divorcing my wife because of this menopause... She turned EVIL and I can't handle it. I tried suggesting she see her Dr but I nearly died from that conversation. She used to be the smartest woman I know but now she's border line moron at times. It's very sad but I just can't deal with her anymore. Almost made it to 20 years too.


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## swimmom (Aug 20, 2021)

Ricks said:


> I'm divorcing my wife because of this menopause... She turned EVIL and I can't handle it. I tried suggesting she see her Dr but I nearly died from that conversation. She used to be the smartest woman I know but now she's border line moron at times. It's very sad but I just can't deal with her anymore. Almost made it to 20 years too.


Sorry to hear your decision to divorce. I understand how hard it is on you. I really do. As a female i understand your wife even more. I read some people leaving what I think is really good advice. and some leaving some really bad advice. So i am not going to leave any personal advice. I just want to recomend #1 that you and your wife tell her doctor what is going on. Yes, you both need to talk to her Doctor. Talk to your wife ahead of time at a time when she is not flashing or moody. (there is a time) at a time like this with covid you may have to set up a phone visitation with her doctor. and make sure the doctor can hear both of your views on her condition (mood swings) your wife my not realize her actions.. #2 see a marriage councelor, dont throw away 20 years. again your wife may realize her actions and you may realize things you can do to help also. 
#3. You may also be going through some changes that you dont realize. if your wife is going through changes your most likely are also. and deciding on divorce could be part of those changes. You may be in mid life mind set also. and inside of you, your having thoughts of being single and going out with other women again. more sex. etc. im not saying you are. im just throwing it out there that this is possible. 
Im telling you this because i know, and i realized one day how i was reacting to my husband. and in my right state of mind. I told him. im sorry and thank you for putting up with me. but i get to where i cant stand you. i dont want you to look at me touch me, nor speak to me. its like i hate you more than anyone on this earth. But i knew it was not true. I did and still do love him so. Its just the change of life. 
I did get some mild medication ( i will leave that up to your wifes doctor so not naming the prescription) but its very mild. and also our counselor recomended time apart. so my husband goes to his camp a lot and we have a lot of time apart. so i have my alone time, he also has realized he needed alone time. 
and our conselor pointed out that i needed to give him his needs more often so i have gone to visit him at his camp (Booty call) and we are both loving it. 
I see this passing. And i see us growing old together. but the change of life has been the hardest hurdle by far we have faced in our marriage. 
Good luck whatever you decide. but please make sure the two of you have talked at a time your both in a good mindset and not beind controlled by the change of life mineset.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ricks said:


> I'm divorcing my wife because of this menopause... She turned EVIL and I can't handle it. I tried suggesting she see her Dr but I nearly died from that conversation. She used to be the smartest woman I know but now she's border line moron at times. It's very sad but I just can't deal with her anymore. Almost made it to 20 years too.


How very sad. You dont believe in for better and for worse then?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

mike93081 said:


> So after nearly 20 years you are just going to throw in the towel and dump her because she is going through natural changes with hormones? I am sorry, that is just being weak.
> 
> Why not sit down with her and say we have been married nearly 20 years and I love you and want to make it another 20 years. But you are not the same cheerful lady I have loved for so many years. I can understand that you are going through changes and I want you to know that I am here for you. I am asking you to please see a female doctor for the both of us. I will be glad to go with you or you can go alone. I just want us to both be happy.
> 
> Dig up some tapes of her more happy self. Maybe that will help her realize how much she has changed.... But don't just up and leave.


Don't you think he probably tried that???? He describes her as EVIL and she won't seek any help. I'd leave a man who was treating me evilly, too, who refused to seek help for treating me terribly. 

Why would you chastise someone for getting out of a terrible situation in which the spouse didn't give a **** about how terribly she is treating her husband?

Sometimes what people write here is completely depressing. Chastising someone for leaving an untenable situation. How unhealthy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Adding, becoming someone who is described as evil, treating your spouse terribly, not seeking help for that, isn't a "natural hormonal change".

It's a massive character flaw is what it is. Don't blame menopause, please.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Not your story Ricks, go back to your old thread and continue that conversation and let the OP discuss his issue here.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> How very sad. You dont believe in for better and for worse then?


Not if someone refuses to go get help. I have tried to talk to friends/family and it is like a brick wall. They just refuse. So they continue to act like pathetic sometimes seemingly intoxicated individuals and will continue being a laughing stock in the office. But they dont think it is affecting them, so so they could care less how it affects others.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ricks said:


> I'm divorcing my wife because of this menopause... She turned EVIL and I can't handle it. I tried suggesting she see her Dr but I nearly died from that conversation. She used to be the smartest woman I know but now she's border line moron at times. It's very sad but I just can't deal with her anymore. Almost made it to 20 years too.


Really nice, dump her when the going gets tough. It is sad to see such ignorance about menopause and the different impact it has on women and their relationships. It might help men to educate themselves on this. The assumption is that she should just get over it, stop behaving badly etc. A woman handling her menopause is simply like asking a man to stop growing his beard and not to have one. The ignorance even among doctors is astounding, some prescribe drugs like Xanax when it is actually an underlying hormone problem that cannot be resolved overnight. For the women on here who have had an easy time of it, good for you I say but don't judge others who may not have had such an easy time. 

I hope @Ricks, that you don't face any health issues moving forward and that your SO decides you are a lost cause and dumps you too. Research shows that women who are supported and understood by their spouses and discuss the issues and impacts surrounding menopause come through well and the marriage stronger. In addition, research also shows that if you have been a ****ty husband to begin with, then the chickens will come home to roost big time during menopause as the estrogen hormone (nurturing) drops. Women's testosterone increases and her usual tolerance for ******** drops significantly. That is why there are more women filing for divorce at this time of their lives than men. read The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, very eye opening.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Adding, becoming someone who is described as evil, treating your spouse terribly, not seeking help for that, isn't a "natural hormonal change".
> 
> It's a massive character flaw is what it is. Don't blame menopause, please.


@Livvie, that is his take as her being evil. We do not have her side of the story, some objectivity needed here. In fact many women at this time want a resetting of boundaries as they no longer want to put up with the **** they put up with before. This resetting of boundaries doesn't go down well, I have experienced it in my marriage also. We are now at peace but i will not tolerate the crap I did before and he knows it. You need to read about menopause and they do not call it the "change of life" for nothing.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

aine said:


> Really nice, dump her when the going gets tough. It is sad to see such ignorance about menopause and the different impact it has on women and their relationships. It might help men to educate themselves on this. The assumption is that she should just get over it, stop behaving badly etc. A woman handling her menopause is simply like asking a man to stop growing his beard and not to have one. The ignorance even among doctors is astounding, some prescribe drugs like Xanax when it is actually an underlying hormone problem that cannot be resolved overnight. For the women on here who have had an easy time of it, good for you I say but don't judge others who may not have had such an easy time.
> 
> I hope @Ricks, that you don't face any health issues moving forward and that your SO decides you are a lost cause and dumps you too. Research shows that women who are supported and understood by their spouses and discuss the issues and impacts surrounding menopause come through well and the marriage stronger. In addition, research also shows that if you have been a *ty husband to begin with, then the chickens will come home to roost big time during menopause as the estrogen hormone (nurturing) drops. Women's testosterone increases and her usual tolerance for ***** drops significantly. That is why there are more women filing for divorce at this time of their lives than men. read The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, very eye opening.


My beard will not stop growing, but i pick up a razor at least daily. Same way a woman can find a Dr. that will prescribe HRT correctly and make it much less or just a speed bump in her relationship.

My wife was diagnosed mildly bipolar. Yeah right! Her oncologist called BS. She said there are soo many women mis-diagnosed as bi-polar when it is nothing more than their hormones are jacked up. Level up the hormones and it is smooth sailing. Unless she really is bat crap crazy...then you are screwed.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

aine said:


> Really nice, dump her when the going gets tough. It is sad to see such ignorance about menopause and the different impact it has on women and their relationships. It might help men to educate themselves on this. The assumption is that she should just get over it, stop behaving badly etc. A woman handling her menopause is simply like asking a man to stop growing his beard and not to have one. The ignorance even among doctors is astounding, some prescribe drugs like Xanax when it is actually an underlying hormone problem that cannot be resolved overnight. For the women on here who have had an easy time of it, good for you I say but don't judge others who may not have had such an easy time.
> 
> I hope @Ricks, that you don't face any health issues moving forward and that your SO decides you are a lost cause and dumps you too. Research shows that women who are supported and understood by their spouses and discuss the issues and impacts surrounding menopause come through well and the marriage stronger. In addition, research also shows that if you have been a *ty husband to begin with, then the chickens will come home to roost big time during menopause as the estrogen hormone (nurturing) drops. Women's testosterone increases and her usual tolerance for ***** drops significantly. That is why there are more women filing for divorce at this time of their lives than men. read The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, very eye opening.


@aine there is a difference between going through menopause and being disrespectful to your man!
My older brother had the same issue with his wife (my reply #13), he didn't do any thing at the start, because he thought is was the hormones doing its thing, he only took a firm stand after he visited her at work and found how pleasant and respectful she was with everyone, even at parties and events, but once she gets home she turns 180, he knew right away it's not a hormone problem, she was being disrespectful and taking him for granted!
If she can be pleasant and respectful and was able to control her emotions at work or in public she sure can be at home!
She was able to control the negative affect of her menopause everywhere but home!
He took a firm stand, and was ready to leave, it worked, because he knew if he tolerated this crap it will continue and it will never stop, she never disrespected him after that, which leads me to think that she was able to stop her bad behaviour from the beginning when her menopause started but she didn't care to, she took him for granted!

I have seen this *sisterhood *play out so many times here, where some women make excuses for other women's bad behaviour, there is no excuse for bad behaviour!

You said:


> been a *ty husband to begin with, then the chickens will come home to roost big time during menopause as the estrogen hormone (nurturing) drops. Women's testosterone increases and her usual tolerance for ***** drops significantly. That is why there are more women filing for divorce at this time of their lives than men.


Same goes for women, the difference here is that many women don't want to be held accountable, they hate it!
And if a woman marries a ****y husband as you said, what does that say about her? She is probably from the same league as him (both are ****y)!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

p16826 said:


> Must admit I find it really tough and I don't think I'm taking the right approach.
> 
> At the moment, shes either sleeping or in a mood. Its like a black cloud following around the house.
> Some of the stuff she comes up with - I just think "eh have you gone insane?"
> ...


My wife had advantage of a close friend who had a total hysterectomy at a relatively young age and went on HRT afterward. She mentored my wife and in fact they used the same OB/Gyn for HRT. My wife experienced mood swings, being "snappy", hot flashes, libido swings, crying spells, the whole enchilada. She recognized that none of these were the "real her", and I knew the same. After snapping at me about something, she would come tearfully to me 30 minutes later asking forgiveness. IMHO a husband should empathize, sympathize and kindly respond. How many times did I come home from a bad workday and take it out on her and the kids? Wife didn't pack up and go to a motel in response, but treated me with kid gloves until I calmed down, feel regret for being such an a$$hole, and apologize to all of them. 

Give your wife some slack, a soft answer turns away wrath. Some women sail through this with no issues but a lot of them struggle in my experience.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Adding, becoming someone who is described as evil, treating your spouse terribly, not seeking help for that, isn't a "natural hormonal change".
> 
> It's a massive character flaw is what it is. Don't blame menopause, please.


I agree with you, mostly... but do you think there might be a tiny, miniscule possibility that it could be a massive character flaw + menopause? Or do we exclude the latter entirely, disregarding completely what the poster says? Asking for a friend and looking for my armour in the meantime...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I agree with you, mostly... but do you think there might be a tiny, miniscule possibility that it could be a massive character flaw + menopause? Or do we exclude the latter entirely, disregarding completely what the poster says? Asking for a friend and looking for my armour in the meantime...


Like another poster said, while menopause is surely a trying time with physical challenges, a woman with good character will recognize if she is treating her spouse VERY BADLY because of it and will make sure it is addressed and dealt with, and will not be okay with continuing VERY POOR treatment of him. Some snappiness and grumpy behavior occurs with anyone during times in life, but most people are aware of what crosses a reasonable line in both intensity and duration.

As another poster stated, if one is able to reign in their behavior at work or in public or with friends, but feels free to treat their husband like **** "because menopause", that's just unacceptable. 

Yes menopause is challenging but it is certainly not a get out of jail free card to be an asshole.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I can think of one time in my marriage when my wife was having PMS (she generally doesn’t to the point where I’d notice based on her behavior) where she was a world class ***** and then apologized later when she realized it was hormone driven.

Keeping my fingers crossed her menopause is without serious issues when she gets there.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kaliber said:


> @aine there is a difference between going through menopause and being disrespectful to your man!
> My older brother had the same issue with his wife (my reply #13), he didn't do any thing at the start, because he thought is was the hormones doing its thing, he only took a firm stand after he visited her at work and found how pleasant and respectful she was with everyone, even at parties and events, but once she gets home she turns 180, he knew right away it's not a hormone problem, she was being disrespectful and taking him for granted!
> If she can be pleasant and respectful and was able to control her emotions at work or in public she sure can be at home!
> She was able to control the negative affect of her menopause everywhere but home!
> ...



As I said, many men (and some women) don't understand it and it requires men who have empathy to do so.
I quote an extract from Dr Brizendine

Dr. Louann Brizendine (author of The Female Brain) says, “_The mommy brain unplugs. Menopause means the end of the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits, the drive to tend and care, and the urge to avoid conflict at all costs." There are additional factors on top of fluctuating hormones that may contribute to a lack of communication and interest in sex._

What interests me in that is the 'urge to avoid conflict at all costs'. For myself, if my husband makes some comment, in the past I let it slide or try to be the peacemaker, now I wont. I am more aggressive now, I can sense it. The nurturing is gone completely, I am only interested in my work. In fact I have become more like him.

It is a real issue and nothing to do with "sisterhood" as you call it. This is typical of the dismissive misogyny exhibited by some on this website. The reality is some women have more testosterone now than before menopause and will not overlook stuff she would have before. If the power balance was in his favor previously, she will ensure things become more balanced.

@Kaliber Are you saying that you always treat your SO with the same level of respect you would your boss or colleague and do not show yourself warts and all ? That you have never come home after a crap day at work and taken it out on your spouse? If that is what you are saying you are lying or superhuman. the only place a spouse can really feel safe is with their SO warts and all.
In addition, your last line really says a lot about you. Using your reasoning, then all the people with issues on this site caused it themselves because they too are like their partners. Please, do you actually hear yourself!


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

p16826 said:


> I try to let a lot of stuff go, or at least, not let it escalate but I'm not the best. It just annoys me so much that shes constantly like this and causing an argument over nothing.... Yeh I know don't take it personally but sometimes.....
> So any advice?


Start secretly recording her outbursts, keep a diary noting time & date with details of incidents.
Go to your local citizens advice office and register for help.
Go to your local GP and ask for trauma/grief counselling.
Go to the local police station and make a report of the domestic violence (but ask for them to take no action)
Ask local social services, about the danger you feel your child may be in from your wife's mental problems.
You need your reports recorded at each location, you'll need to be insistent with the police, don't be fobbed off.
Don't make any of the reports about you, make them about you concerns over the possibility of her harming herself or your child. Nobody in the UK legal/social system cares about middle aged white men, but they better care about women and children else they risk losing their jobs.

When my wife started doing this (age 50) it quickly went downhill first from the rants (I didn't dry the dishes properly), to her having sex with other men, and making accusations of 'drunkenness and cruelty' to the police.
Her mental illness can soon become your divorce and loss of everything.
The UK family court is extremely harsh with men, you could soon be homeless, wifeless and childless.
Protect yourself and your child first, there is no guarantee your wife will ever get any better.

@Ricks, same with me after 30 years of marriage.
As a female nurse working in a 'women's problems' unit once said to me, "I've encountered a lot of women going through menopause, it many it causes permanent personality changes, sometimes small, sometimes large, but I've never met one that had changes for the better"


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

I think that the advice to be empathetic and supportive works to a point, but when your wife's behaviour tips into being consistently abusive (rather than just a bit snappy at times) then it is no longer acceptable and empathy and supportiveness need to be replaced with clearly asserting boundaries and making sure that you and what you care about is protected.

As someone said up the thread, menopause can be **** for some women, but like anything else it cannot excuse abusive behaviour.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Start secretly recording her outbursts, keep a diary noting time & date with details of incidents.
> Go to your local citizens advice office and register for help.
> Go to your local GP and ask for trauma/grief counselling.
> Go to the local police station and make a report of the domestic violence (but ask for them to take no action)
> ...



Have you considered you ex wife having other underlying issues or personality disorders?


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## Ricks (Apr 14, 2021)

aine said:


> Really nice, dump her when the going gets tough. It is sad to see such ignorance about menopause and the different impact it has on women and their relationships. It might help men to educate themselves on this. The assumption is that she should just get over it, stop behaving badly etc. A woman handling her menopause is simply like asking a man to stop growing his beard and not to have one. The ignorance even among doctors is astounding, some prescribe drugs like Xanax when it is actually an underlying hormone problem that cannot be resolved overnight. For the women on here who have had an easy time of it, good for you I say but don't judge others who may not have had such an easy time.
> 
> I hope @Ricks, that you don't face any health issues moving forward and that your SO decides you are a lost cause and dumps you too. Research shows that women who are supported and understood by their spouses and discuss the issues and impacts surrounding menopause come through well and the marriage stronger. In addition, research also shows that if you have been a *ty husband to begin with, then the chickens will come home to roost big time during menopause as the estrogen hormone (nurturing) drops. Women's testosterone increases and her usual tolerance for ***** drops significantly. That is why there are more women filing for divorce at this time of their lives than men. read The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, very eye opening.


I am disabled and have been disabled before we got married... She changed a few years ago and I'm only suspecting menopause for her major change. She has refused to seek medical help or even talk to someone about it. I've given her years in this situation and it's gotten worse. I tried dealing with it but it's only getting worse. Her refusal to get help is why I want out. Our kids even see it and understand. Her hitting me also helped me make the decision to divorce her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ricks said:


> I am disabled and have been disabled before we got married... She changed a few years ago and I'm only suspecting menopause for her major change. She has refused to seek medical help or even talk to someone about it. I've given her years in this situation and it's gotten worse. I tried dealing with it but it's only getting worse. Her refusal to get help is why I want out. Our kids even see it and understand. Her hitting me also helped me make the decision to divorce her.


Hitting you when you are disabled and possibly in a position of vulnerability is not on. Good for you that you have taken this step. Move on and do not look back.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> My beard will not stop growing, but i pick up a razor at least daily. Same way a woman can find a Dr. that will prescribe HRT correctly and make it much less or just a speed bump in her relationship.
> 
> My wife was diagnosed mildly bipolar. Yeah right! Her oncologist called BS. She said there are soo many women mis-diagnosed as bi-polar when it is nothing more than their hormones are jacked up. Level up the hormones and it is smooth sailing. Unless she really is bat crap crazy...then you are screwed.


To be honest, women do and doctors know ****** all. I took bioidentical HRT on recommendation of my doctor, supposedly an expert in the field, well known , attended conferences, gave papers, etc. and told me that every woman was different and that it was a process of hit and miss to find the right balance of HRT! so go figure. A bit like men with testosterone problems who go for injections, etc. and still cannot get it up. Then we ought to blame the man then, he didn't try hard enough, he didn't visit enough doctors, etc?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

aine said:


> To be honest, women do and doctors know **** all. I took bioidentical HRT on recommendation of my doctor, supposedly an expert in the field, well known , attended conferences, gave papers, etc. and told me that every woman was different and that it was a process of hit and miss to find the right balance of HRT! so go figure. A bit like men with testosterone problems who go for injections, etc. and still cannot get it up. Then we ought to blame the man then, he didn't try hard enough, he didn't visit enough doctors, etc?


The Dr that did my wifes hystorectomy gave her base dosage and told her to adjust a little here and there until she finds the dosage that best suits her. She is dialed in, sometimes she needs a bit more Testosterone so she applys it. She uses bioidentical compounded cream.

I have been on HRT for 13 yrs. If i could no longer get it up i would even go to surgery for implant to be able to satisfy my wife. Her needs are that important to me.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

When I experienced that issue (and couldn't take anymore), I studied up and implemented the 180.
After three days, she came to me in tears.
We sat down and discussed solutions and came up with a plan.
Very few problems since.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'd just like to sleep in a warm room.
But what Aine is talking about ""_Menopause means the end of the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits, the drive to tend and care,_ "" that has been going on for years. monosyllables and grunts, that's the new conversation.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'd just like to sleep in a warm room.
> But what Aine is talking about ""_Menopause means the end of the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits, the drive to tend and care,_ "" that has been going on for years. monosyllables and grunts, that's the new conversation.


You can buy that and use it as an excuse, but that's a fantasy.

There are literally millions of post menopausal women who are warm, loving, caring, nurturing, emotional, and excellent communicators.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Livvie said:


> You can buy that and use it as an excuse, but that's a fantasy.
> 
> There are literally millions of post menopausal women who are warm, loving, caring, nurturing, emotional, and excellent communicators.


Oh, you two are fighting over that point, I'll just keep my hand out of it.

My wife doesn't talk to ne because:
a) her emotions are tied up in her emotional / physical affair (if any) and she has no energy for me.
b) the same hormone cocktail that makes her hot or hotter, makes her not want to talk.
c) She's just tired of my ****.
d) (my favorite) her porn use has used up all of her sexual / emotional energy. And it's a whole lot easier than talking to real people.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Oh, you two are fighting over that point, I'll just keep my hand out of it.
> 
> My wife doesn't talk to ne because:
> a) her emotions are tied up in her emotional / physical affair (if any) and she has no energy for me.
> ...


And none of that is "because menopause".


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Livvie said:


> You can buy that and use it as an excuse, but that's a fantasy.
> 
> There are literally millions of post menopausal women who are warm, loving, caring, nurturing, emotional, and excellent communicators.


Exactly. As I read that quote above, I thought, I know SO many post menopausal women who are sweet and loving to everyone around them, my grandmother was one of them. 

My mother, on the other hand, was selfish and critical BEFORE menopause, and had a terrible attitude when she went through it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Livvie said:


> You can buy that and use it as an excuse, but that's a fantasy.
> 
> There are literally millions of post menopausal women who are warm, loving, caring, nurturing, emotional, and excellent communicators.


true @Livvie, the reality is that there are a lot of factors, menopause is only one of them and not all women or their spouses will have the same experience with menopause. However, that does not mean menopause should be discounted entirely. In fact I believe it is one of the reasons why there is a much higher rate of women filing for divorce at this stage of life. Kids are gone, she no longer has to keep the peace and pretend that what mattered to her doesn't matter. If she was in a loving supportive relationship all along, then that love and support will probably continue with a few ups and downs but if she wasn't then all bets are off. What I am saying is that if the marriage was crappy to begin with it will be even crappier with menopause as the wife will have far less tolerance for ******** and then things will escalate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Livvie said:


> You can buy that and use it as an excuse, but that's a fantasy.
> 
> There are literally millions of post menopausal women who are warm, loving, caring, nurturing, emotional, and excellent communicators.


And he isn't married to any of them, just to his wife. So although true I'm not entirely convinced that is relevant?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

pot!
assuming it is legal where you live. toke up before you get home!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

aine said:


> To be honest, women do and doctors know **** all. I took bioidentical HRT on recommendation of my doctor, supposedly an expert in the field, well known , attended conferences, gave papers, etc. and told me that every woman was different and that it was a process of hit and miss to find the right balance of HRT! so go figure. A bit like men with testosterone problems who go for injections, etc. and still cannot get it up. Then we ought to blame the man then, he didn't try hard enough, he didn't visit enough doctors, etc?


As a matter of fact, yes we should blame the man, he didnt try hard enough etc. A person will work hard to fix what is important for them. Maybe fail, but trying shows what they value. If a person has any other chronic medical problem they spend lot of energy and money to rectify it. Sexual disfunction is no different.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> You can buy that and use it as an excuse, but that's a fantasy.
> 
> There are literally millions of post menopausal women who are warm, loving, caring, nurturing, emotional, and excellent communicators.


My W is one. After a short hot flash couple months, and our mutual agreement we knew we would ride it out, got through it. No worries. And although a bit less frequent we still had a good sex life through that life stage.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

I still don’t understand why women is allowed to be in constant bad mood 1 whole week out of the month?
I don’t see women yelling at their bosses during that week, why it’s ok for them to yell at home when they are “moody”? 
If you are saying no sex for that week because she is not in the mood, then ok, can’t fight that. But at least act like a decent normal human being, instead of acting like I owe her money and can’t afford to make it back.
just sayin’ ok, I guess you get the picture of what’s going on around here. Haha


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Kaliber said:


> If this doesn't stop she might continue being disrespectful even after her menopause passes, she will get used to you being a push-over!
> My advice is to do what my older brother did, and it worked!
> He made it clear to his wife that he will not accept any more disrespect, she didn't stop, while she had her outburst again he stood and after she finished he told her are you done? and calmly walked and packed a bag and left the house, as he was leaving he said to her exactly two things:
> 1- He will not be in a marriage where he is disrespected.
> ...


I like this! When my ex acted up and was rude I told HER to leave and waited her out until she asked to come back. She wasn't happy and I imagine resented me for a while. But never did it again.


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