# Time to go it alone?



## Life goes on. (Jun 6, 2012)

Hi,

Just joined and looking for some advice. I've been married for 17 years with two lovely children but about 6 years ago we realised there was a problem. We tried to resolve it and things improved for a while but then it went back to where it was and three years ago, after counselling, we decided our relationship was over. However, we decided to stay together as no-one else was involved. My husband said he loved me still (I was the one who wanted out) and hoped things would change. The agreement was that we would stay together until such time as one of us was involved with somebody else, though neither of us wanted that. So, for the past three years, to all intents and purposes we have had a happy marriage, got on well and no-one was any the wiser, including our children. Just no physical side to our marriage.

Last week, I discovered some stuff on the computer and after a bit of snooping (because he always has his computer profile locked though he has full access to mine!), realised my husband has signed up to an internet site which is quite 'specialist'. My issue with this is that he is advertising himself on the site, admitting he is married but giving our home town and saying he is available for 'active participation'. 

Am I over-reacting or am I right in thinking this goes against our agreement? Even if he has not yet 'actively participated' with anyone (I do know explicit photo sharing has been going on) I feel that it's only a matter of time. Would appreciate some feedback from male and female perspective as I really don't know how to handle this one!


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Three years is a long time to not have physical relations. I guess the important question is this....How do you feel about it? It seems you were okay with the idea of living platonically with him with the agreement that the relationship would formally end if either of you became involved with someone else. But now you are are at least somewhat upset that he may be looking for someone else. If I were you I would examine my motives and emotions over this. If you are honest with yourself, you probably already know how to handle it.


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## Life goes on. (Jun 6, 2012)

If he wants to get involved with someone that's fine, what I don't like is the secrecy. I wanted out 3 years ago but agreed to stay for my children. We both love our kids desperately and neither of us wanted to be part-time parents, hence the decision to stay. If he is actively seeking someone else, for sex or for a relationship, again it's fine by me. But I feel that he should have been open and said that was what he intended to do so we could re-arrange things to accommodate that. If I'm honest, I'm actually relieved if he is seeing/interacting with someone as he has no friends and no social life. He is a nice guy and I wish him no malice, I just fell out of love with him. 

I guess what I am asking then is am I over-reacting by thinking of leaving or should I just carry on as if I didn't know? The bonus is that instead of wanting to be with me and the kids 24/7 he's now happy for me to take them out for the day on my own!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"The agreement was that we would stay together until such time as one of us was involved with somebody else."

I guess I don't see how he violated the agreement -- did you think one of you could get involved with somebody else without looking for somebody else?

Whether the agreement was a wise one is a different issue, but I do think you are splitting hairs a bit -- and if you haven't had sex for three years, I don't find it surprising that he was looking for it.

Still -- I understand that it's a painful thing for you to find.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

There are 2 problems here...1 is that you don't really have a marriage and haven't for a while. The other is his apparent infidelity. Your arrangement to live under one roof until one of you found someone else was a very bsd plan, but what's done is done. Your husband may have seen your arrangement as permoission to lok for someone else.

It doesn't sound to me like there's anything left here to save. But if the two of you want to try, it's going to take intense counseling and a lot of work. But it sounds to me as if the marriage was dead a long time ago. It's just that no one's had the courage to pull the plug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Life goes on. (Jun 6, 2012)

Maybe I worded it wrong or maybe it just doesn't matter but it wasn't that we would stay until one of us found somebody else as much as neither of us wanted another relationship so we agreed that, until such time that changed, we would live together for the children's sake.


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## Life goes on. (Jun 6, 2012)

lamaga said:


> "if you haven't had sex for three years, I don't find it surprising that he was looking for it."


Nor do I, but it was his decision, in counselling, that we should stay together platonically.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, if he's just seeking a sexual release, and you can live with that...Why upset the apple cart? Maybe he's not looking for a relationship at all and wants to continue with the family under one roof. Perhaps he thinks his sexual activity is none of your business anymore as long as he is not forming emotional attachments with anyone.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Wanting is right -- the question is what do *you* want now?


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## Life goes on. (Jun 6, 2012)

I want to be out of the marriage but not at the expense of losing my children. Which is why I'm still here. I can't bear the thought of not being there for them every day.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Odds are you'll get primary custody -- mothers usually do unless there is some overwhelming evidence of unfitness. I sure would use this as an opportunity to leave.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Hi Life Goes On - might I ask as to how this situation came to be? Is it that you just don't like having sex? Don't you find him attractive at all anymore? It otherwise sounds like you guys are a functioning couple/family in all other respects.


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## Life goes on. (Jun 6, 2012)

I fell out of love, as simple and as difficult as that. No-one else is involved, we get on and work well as a family unit, there is just no physical/sexual attraction for me any more. It's a desperately sad situation. We have two beautiful children who didn't ask for this and neither of us wants to be away from them or to take them away from the other.

It's worked well, but now I know that he's basically advertising himself on a website, then that complicates things. Complete honesty is needed to go forward and I thought we had agreed on that. He actually accused me of having an affair in counselling but I would never do that. The sessions began at his request and ended when the counsellor said he felt I was being very fair saying I was willing to stay together because it was what was best for the children.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Life, why would you want to settle for this? Really? You have no relationship that offers you sexual fulfillment or any kind of romantic love, you are living in a roommate situation, and now you are annoyed that he's changing the rules.

I think he's done you an enormous favor, frankly. Your beautiful children will thrive when their parents are happy and not playing out some make-believe farce for their benefit.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Life goes on. said:


> I fell out of love, as simple and as difficult as that. No-one else is involved, we get on and work well as a family unit, there is just no physical/sexual attraction for me any more.


Thanks for sharing. Reason I was asking is because it sounds a lot similar to my own situation (albeit on a much shorter time scale). To be perfectly honest, I know the death knell in ours was sounded when my stbxw became pregnant and the subsequent years as parents and all that comes with it.

Not so long ago I'd have done anything to rekindle that romance, but my stbxw had just switched off. Guess I'm still trying to figure out why that happens. It just seems such a shame to me. Every situation is different and I don't know yours so it might be an inappropriate comment, but I'm guessing he has maybe been holding out for a sign that you might have been able to work things out - but has now finally gotten to the end of his rope. I can see how what he's done is hurtful to you, but I guess its time to get everything out on the table.


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Life, why would you want to settle for this? Really? You have no relationship that offers you sexual fulfillment or any kind of romantic love, you are living in a roommate situation, and now you are annoyed that he's changing the rules.
> 
> I think he's done you an enormous favor, frankly. Your beautiful children will thrive when their parents are happy and not playing out some make-believe farce for their benefit.


Life, how old are your children?? You do know that you are kidding yourself by thinking that they are oblivious to your marriage situation!! No only that, but the 2 of you are damaging their perception on what a marriage could/should be. Are you hoping for the same marriages for them, because you 2 are just setting them up for failure right now. 

Also, you have not mentioned if/what you do in reguards to your own sexual fulfillment. You may be just like my wife: a sexual camel, but how can you expect your husband to be too? 

Like some others have said too, what you guys have right now is a 'room-mate' arrangement and NOT a marriage. You have BOTH made this decision to stay in this as it is, so if you have an issue with this new aspect of it, then you need to address it with him. Maybe just maybe he is still holding out some hope you will come around and be a couple again???


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## Life goes on. (Jun 6, 2012)

zombiehunter said:


> Whoa - I have a good friend at work who's been married 17 years, has two adorable boys, is living in a sexless marriage and by all accounts, seems to get along great with his wife in spite of that and loves her very much.


My two are girls aged 15 and 9. While they do know that we don't have a tactile relationship, we also never argue so what they see is a situation that works for our family. It hadn't occurred to me that it may affect their perception of marriage and their future relationships. It has been very much a room-mate situation for the last three years but that was at his instigation as he felt it would be better than separation. We had agreed that we would discuss the situation again if either one of us had met or wanted to meet anyone else and would reconsider at that point. I have put my needs on hold to concentrate on the girls although I'm not pretending it has been easy. 

So to find out that, while I have been out at work earning our income, he has (for the last 8 months as I found out today) been advertising himself as available for sex during the day, was a shock. Maybe I was being naive to think he would remain celibate - I just think he should have said that he was thinking of getting involved with somebody and we could have taken it from there. 

I appreciate all the input from everyone, I'm taking it all on board and trying to work things out.


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