# Separation / Divorce support and advice 💔



## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

Hello. My husband wants divorce and even if I wasn't an initiator, I am accepting the situation of course. Why should I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Situation is like this: I am from another country and live with him in Germany (he is German). I came to Germany only because of us. Divorce rules here means 1 separation year first before official divorce. I decided I don't want to chase my permanent residence there and I want to come back to my home country. I don't see myself in Germany without us. Sooo, right now I am in my home country but in few days I have to go back to Germany again. I work there, so I want to take 1 or 2 more salaries for me, I have notice period, I need to talk to my STBX and organize all paper work and so on. That's why I have to go back there. That means we will be in the same flat (we rent a flat, don't have any property) for 1,2 months. That gives me hugeee anxiety. I still care about him. He acted until the very end like he cares a lot too. But it's not important if he cares in any way or not. It's important to me how to save my emotional and mental health while I am there in the same flat with him. I want to be composed and dignified and not to show him too much how much this hurts me. Plus I am really full of insecurities: I am 39, I must start from scratch in my home country, I feel everything that I did in Germany was for nothing (learning language, finding some jobs to contribute and help him etc)... Apparently wasn't, maybe all this experience will use me one day no matter where I am. But yeah... It's stressful and emotionally very hard. We don't have kids. That's really good in this stupid situation. So, for now I only need to survive somehow with him in the same flat next 1, 2 months.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I have known Serbs, Croats and Slovenes since my childhood - we all went to an international school. I know the Serbs to be very resilient and resourceful and I used to love their passion for life. So you will bounce back and of course, whatever you learned in Germany will come in handy. I predict you will find a new career doing something you love and your English and German will come in very handy. So keep your chin up and all will be fine. In the meantime show him some of the Serbian fire that I know you have. By the way, what was the reason for splitting up?


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> I have known Serbs, Croats and Slovenes since my childhood - we all went to an international school. I know the Serbs to be very resilient and resourceful and I used to love their passion for life. So you will bounce back and of course, whatever you learned in Germany will come in handy. I predict you will find a new career doing something you love and your English and German will come in very handy. So keep your chin up and all will be fine. In the meantime show him some of the Serbian fire that I know you have. By the way, what was the reason for splitting up?


Oh, such a nice answer. Thank you so much for these kind words. Maybe it's pathetic but I really needed it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Do you have friends and coworkers in Germany that can help occupy your time for the next couple months? don't be afriad to lean on them to help you through this...also have you and your STBX discuss living arrangement, boundaries and bills ? you may want to also speak to a therapist for yourself to help naviagate through this.


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Do you have friends and coworkers in Germany that can help occupy your time for the next couple months? don't be afriad to lean on them to help you through this...also have you and your STBX discuss living arrangement, boundaries and bills ? you may want to also speak to a therapist for yourself to help naviagate through this.


Hello, thanks for the answer. I have my therapist and already arranged some appointments while I am there. My STBX accepted to pay bills while I am there because he also thinks it's fair for me to take some money since I will not have work for who knows how long. I will check with him if it's still accurate. I have right to ask for separation spousal support, I would get it because I earn less than him plus really soon I will be without a job because I am leaving the country. I don't know if he knows about that rule but I don't want to ask for money from him. That's why I want to earn 1,2 salaries for myself before I leave. Unfortunately I don't have much friends there but I have 1,2 really good people who seem nice and supportive so yeah, I will meet them definitely. ❤


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Do you really need to go back or can the matters be handled from your country? Since you still have feelings for me, you should not see him...much less stay with him...unless you absolutely have to. I get some contact may be necessary, but 1-2 months sounds very excessive.

Are you sure you're not going to see him...and for that long...in hopes of getting back together with him?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi OP, sorry you're in this situation. I've been there once upon a time, so I understand. You sound like you're in a good frame of mind and are doing the right thing for you. I agree, I wouldn't want someone who didn't want me either.

Do you really need to go back to Germany, though? I had an international divorce from my home country when I left Germany and I never had to see my exH again. Do you have a support system back home?


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Do you really need to go back or can the matters be handled from your country? Since you still have feelings for me, you should not see him...much less stay with him...unless you absolutely have to. I get some contact may be necessary, but 1-2 months sounds very excessive.
> 
> Are you sure you're not going to see him...and for that long...in hopes of getting back together with him?


Honestly, I must go firstly because I have to pack my things. I have a lot of my clothes, documents, plus I have 2 weeks notice period so I really need to do it. He also told me it's good to be there because we need to finish some things together. For now, I think I will not make to stay 2 months. For me it's a horror movie. Most possibly its gonna be work until the end of October, then packing and go back home. I really don't want to see him. I wanted to see "old him" but not him now. That flat also hurts me. It's like parallel universe because that was only place im Germany that I felt home. And now it's not. I understand your point. A lot of people use going back as a excuse to see that person. But for me seeing him it's only pain and more pain... I think we will not have argues etc but it's hard anyway. I also decided if I see after only few days there that it's bad for my mental health, I am gonna quit work earlier and that is it. But yes, being together in flat is very bad option and I don't understand how some people manage it tbh. That's why I want to go far away from him and that city ASAP


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

SadM83 said:


> Honestly, I must go firstly becaus*e I have to pack my things. I have a lot of my clothes, documents*


You can buy new clothes and have him send you the documents



SadM83 said:


> we need to finish some things together


What takes 2 months to finish? I'm not trying to be mean, but it really sounds like you want to see him for as long as possible in hopes of getting back with him. If that's what you want, then do it. But it's only going to be a "horror movie" if you let it. I'm in the US, but am separated and have seen my STBX 3 times since we split and that was for 5 minutes each time. We don't have kids, which makes it easier, but it doesn't sound like you do either. I made a point not to see her much so I can move on.


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> Hi OP, sorry you're in this situation. I've been there once upon a time, so I understand. You sound like you're in a good frame of mind and are doing the right thing for you. I agree, I wouldn't want someone who didn't want me either.
> 
> Do you really need to go back to Germany, though? I had an international divorce from my home country when I left Germany and I never had to see my exH again. Do you have a support system back home?


Hello! Thanks for answering. Lawyer told us we need to follow German law and this 1 year separation because we were living there together. That's ok, because I decided to go back to Serbia anyway. But i must go back to quit my work and to pack may things. So most possibly only until end of October but if I feel. Really bad than I will stay even shorter. In my home country I have really amazing friends and family. I always knew but now I am even more convinced that I am really blessed to have them all. That's whay I am coming back. If I need to begin from scratch then it's important to be somewhere where I feel loved and safe. Anyway I agree going back there is bad. But I must do it sooner or later. I think it's better sooner than later because I want to recover, heal myself and continue with my life.


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> You can buy new clothes and have him send you the documents
> 
> 
> 
> What takes 2 months to finish? I'm not trying to be mean, but it really sounds like you want to see him for as long as possible in hopes of getting back with him. If that's what you want, then do it. But it's only going to be a "horror movie" if you let it. I'm in the US, but am separated and have seen my STBX 3 times since we split and that was for 5 minutes each time. We don't have kids, which makes it easier, but it doesn't sound like you do either. I made a point not to see her much so I can move on.


I don't think you are mean. I think people think we are all the same. I don't want to stay 2 months. Reality is until end of October. I know you think I want to see him, but it's not my thing to convince you if U don't believe me. Part of me want to take some money, first I thought i could manage to stay until December. But no, i can't and I am honest to myself. But I want to come back with some money. It's not life changing money of course but it's something. Before I find a job. I really understand you. And your point is good really. He can't do anything to make feel better. Because i was so fed up with some stuff and deeply unhappy with some parts of our marriage. But I was the one who doesn't leave until love dies. That's my problem. Not his. I don't want to be with him. But I want to finish some things, to take my things, to take salary, to quit and go. I understand some people lie to themselves. I am not one of them. I know why I am going back but I need some ideas, support about how to go through this easier while I am there


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

SadM83, you did not say why you guys are splitting up? What happened? How long have you been married? Is this your first marriage?


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## desperateindenver (4 mo ago)

I have no advice, but hope the best for you


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> SadM83, you did not say why you guys are splitting up? What happened? How long have you been married? Is this your first marriage?


It's my 1st marriage. His too. We are together 5 years and in December is 3 years of marriage. We had long distance relationship for couple of years and I got temporary resident permit and moved to Germany September 2020. It not that easy to summarize why we are divorcing but I am gonna try. Good part of us was really sweet, full of love, hugs, fun, laugh. Our problem is arguing, not that often but almost always really toxic and dysfunctional. For him I was initiator of every topic and arguing and basically he was right. But i never wanted to argue. I just wanted to express my feelings or discuss what bothers me. No matter what the topic was, for him it was problem out of proportion. Simply because he doesn't like to talk about anything unpleasant. I've tried to change myself, I put basically all blame on me. In my head he was sweet guy and I was complicated, hypersensitiv person. He was threatening to leave me almost after every argue and thrn when we reconcile he was again sweet, nice, full of love, telling me 100x per day how much he loves me. Then everything is great and nice until I mention something that he doesn't like and then I am too much and annoying to him. I was more and more unhappy about this. Luckily I have my diary to remind me how unhappy I was about this but we still loved each other and I tried to control part of my personality that he didn't like. I was more and more frustrated and wanted more and more to express myself, to be who I am. Anyway he decided that I am too much for him and for the 1st time I don't have what to say to him. Because apparently everything is too much for him if it's not "rainbows and butterflies". So basically he never accepted who I am and that is it. I still think he is a good man. And has a lot to offer. But he hides his part of personality and everything is basically superficial. When he told me how much he loves me and not to forget that, I got more annoyed by this. Why? Because I knew that he will want to leave first next argue we have and everything was just too much for me. But... I still didn't want to leave because what was good about us, was reallyyy good. But it is not enough anymore.


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

desperateindenver said:


> I have no advice, but hope the best for you


Thank you so much!


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Sounds like the best you can do is try to set up separate spaces in your flat. Try to minimize unnessecery contact. Try to keep yourself busy and avoid being at the flat. Maybe work extra hours in the evenings. Make plans so that you’re not at the flat feeling sad etc. Invite a friend to dinner at favorite restaurant , see a movie or go for a walk. You probably don’t feel like doing anything but just staying out/away from flat and minimizing time there will help. Heck, even wondering around stores you like and “window” shopping can help pass some time. 

Sorry this is happening to you. It’s a little bit of an ugly situation at the moment but it shall pass. Try reframing your move back to your home country as positive, a “second act”.

Also, I don’t think any life experiences are truly wasteful. Living life is what helps you grow.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

SCDad01 said:


> You can buy new clothes and have him send you the documents
> 
> 
> 
> What takes 2 months to finish? I'm not trying to be mean, but it really sounds like you want to see him for as long as possible in hopes of getting back with him. If that's what you want, then do it. But it's only going to be a "horror movie" if you let it. I'm in the US, but am separated and have seen my STBX 3 times since we split and that was for 5 minutes each time. We don't have kids, which makes it easier, but it doesn't sound like you do either. I made a point not to see her much so I can move on.


I wouldn't advise that at all. My BSc. Diploma magically disappeared. It was from a foreign university and I have to go through a lot of trouble to have it reissued and FedExed. I'd definitely want to get my documents myself.


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Sounds like the best you can do is try to set up separate spaces in your flat. Try to minimize unnessecery contact. Try to keep yourself busy and avoid being at the flat. Maybe work extra hours in the evenings. Make plans so that you’re not at the flat feeling sad etc. Invite a friend to dinner at favorite restaurant , see a movie or go for a walk. You probably don’t feel like doing anything but just staying out/away from flat and minimizing time there will help. Heck, even wondering around stores you like and “window” shopping can help pass some time.
> 
> Sorry this is happening to you. It’s a little bit of an ugly situation at the moment but it shall pass. Try reframing your move back to your home country as positive, a “second act”.
> 
> Also, I don’t think any life experiences are truly wasteful. Living life is what helps you grow.


Yes, we were already in 2 different rooms before I came to Serbia to visit my parents so we will continue this way. The good thing we both have a loooot of work in October so basically we will not spend too much time at home.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Do a 180....Don't talk to him at all.
Problem solved


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You don't like living in Germany at all?


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> You don't like living in Germany at all?


Hm, don't know. It's not that I don't like, it's more that I don't feel it like home or place I want to stay. My motivation for moving there was only us, I didn't build my social life or anything else, more or less I am alone there. Plus, I want to heal myself and for that it's important to have good support system. That's not there.


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Do a 180....Don't talk to him at all.
> Problem solved


I don't have a big problem talking to him about some formal things that have to be done. We are not in fight so there's no reason to act like we are. If problems are solved that easily with 180 we wouldn't have supporting sites like this. My decision is to go back there and earn 1 more salary, pack things and go back home. Only thing is to find the best normal, healthy way to deal with the whole situation in October. That's for sure work, activity, sport, coffee with people etc. I know I will survive. People are resilient beings. But we also need some kind words and support, like here.


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