# My husband chats with ex on FB



## cornfieldgirl (Nov 11, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 beautiful children. We both work full time and are very busy. I have a very difficult time trusting anyone, due to experiencing and witnessing so much infidelity in my life. Throughout our marriage, I have caught my husband texting or FB chatting with various women friends and ex girlfriends. Sometimes these chats became inappropriate and what I guess you would call "sexting." He has always hidden this from me and lied to me about it at times. He denies that anything physical has ever happened and I have nothing to prove otherwise. I have always discovered these because I check his phone or email - usually when he's asleep and doesn't know I am. The last time it happened, I swore to him it would be the last and I would leave him. I recently discovered some more or less innocent chats with ex-girlfriends on facebook, and even an attempt to call one on the phone. He often complains to the other women about my not trusting him. Should I be upset, or should I let it go?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I personally think you have every reason to be upset. He wants you to trust him, but then continually gives you reason to not trust him. Chatting with exes on FB or otherwise is dangerous ground for a marriage, especially if he is complaining to other women about you.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

That behavior is inappropriate for a married man. I have always felt one of my responsibilities is to make sure my wife feels secure from my actions. 

Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking. He fails that test.

The question is what does he get from it? Why not ask him? Why does he do it when he knows it bothers you? Ask him that too. Not cool.


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## cornfieldgirl (Nov 11, 2012)

Thank you both. It's good to hear that I'm not being too irrational. Do you think it's inappropriate that I go behind his back to check hos email, phone, etc.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

cornfieldgirl said:


> Do you think it's inappropriate that I go behind his back to check hos email, phone, etc.


Not when he is being inappropriate. You do what you have to do. He who behaves badly hates the light.


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## cornfieldgirl (Nov 11, 2012)

I'm having a hard time determining my next step. We've been through this scenario a dozen times.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The next step is to give him an ultimatum.
Let him give you all his passwords to facebook, his cellphone and his email.
Install a keylogger on his computer so that you can monitor his online activities.


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## countrybumpkin (Nov 8, 2012)

The behavior is not acceptable for a married man in general, but especially so in your case due to the fact that you have witnessed "sexting" already. Your husband is annoyed at the fact that you do not trust him because he is getting caught all of the time. He wants you to trust him and not question what he is doing so that he may do it in peace. 

The next step is up to you. However, his behavior proves that he doesn't respect you or your feelings and he doesn't really care all that much that it bothers you.


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## Caro (Nov 11, 2012)

The two most serious charges are the sexting and complaining about you to other women, I think. It sounds like he's denying it, too. How do you know he is "sexting" and complaining about you? Do you have proof, or did he ever see you see it? I guess the reason I'm asking is because I am wondering if he KNOWS you KNOW, or if he still thinks he can just deny it and there's no proof.

It sounds like the two of your should see a therapist. Hopefully a therapist could get at exactly why he is doing this.... maybe he is being an idiot, or maybe he is feeling something lacking in the relationship that could be fixed. (Note I'm NOT excusing this behavior, but there may be a "cause.") 

Also, a therapist could help him understand more deeply your trust issues, and could help the two of you work on them together.

I have no idea how people do that, as I'm not a therapist.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

cornfieldgirl, this is going to sound very random, because you haven't given us that much background on your husband. But I have to ask--does he fit either one of the two "types" below?

type one--they feel unloveable. These people may have suffered from abuse at some point in their lives. They practically hate themselves and are sure no one else could truly love them if they knew them to their core. So, they don't believe you really love them either--it's not possible. This produces a lack of respect for you; you must have a problem by marrying someone so undeserving. Also, since they're unloveable, they're sure you'll eventually leave them. So they often 'act out' and do self-destructive things that they believe (often subconsciously) will cause you to reject them. When you do--self-fulfilling prophecy.

type two--very self-centered and entitled. At one extreme, they suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They believe the world revolves around them. Because the universe bends to their will, they take what they want when they want it. You're a pawn in their larger scheme. You feed their narcissism, but ultimately you are a possession. As a possession, you don't really have a right to tell them what to do. They'll manipulate you and say what you want to hear so you won't leave, but those are just lies to keep you revolving around their sun. If you are strong enough to reject them, they will suddenly drop everything and work overtime to keep you. Narcissist have a terrible time handling rejection. When the crisis has passed, they will revert to their previous modes of interaction.

any thoughts on whether he fits either of these two descriptions, more or less? I realize this is rather out of left field, and he may not fit these two stereotypes at all. But I am curious if by any chance, he does.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

cornfieldgirl said:


> My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 beautiful children. We both work full time and are very busy. I have a very difficult time trusting anyone, due to experiencing and witnessing so much infidelity in my life. Throughout our marriage, I have caught my husband texting or FB chatting with various women friends and ex girlfriends. Sometimes these chats became inappropriate and what I guess you would call "sexting." He has always hidden this from me and lied to me about it at times. He denies that anything physical has ever happened and I have nothing to prove otherwise. I have always discovered these because I check his phone or email - usually when he's asleep and doesn't know I am. The last time it happened, *I swore to him it would be the last and I would leave him. I recently discovered some more or less innocent chats with ex-girlfriends on facebook, and even an attempt to call one on the phone. He often complains to the other women about my not trusting him. Should I be upset, or should I let it go*?


You told you would leave him, he did it again knowing that. 

What do you think you should do?


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## baopuity (Nov 12, 2012)

That behavior is inappropriate for a married man.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm with Holland on this one.


> The last time it happened, I swore to him it would be the last and I would leave him. I recently discovered some more or less innocent chats with ex-girlfriends on facebook, and even an attempt to call one on the phone.


It's time to put up or shut up. You have warned him repeatedly; last time you said THIS IS IT. Now, do what you SAID YOU WOULD DO WHEN YOU PUT YOUR BOUNDARY IN PLACE or quit complaining that he won't respect your boundaries.

YOU TEACH PEOPLE how to treat you.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I've been down this road too. My estranged husband has been texting, emailing and FB old flames for years. I first found out about it 6 yrs ago when he left his facebook open and I happened to read messages from him telling one of his exes how miserable his marriage was, and that he was only sticking around because of our child. She was telling him she always loved him.. yada yada.

I was shocked, up until then I thought we had a good relationship and he was faitfull. I confronted him he accused me of snooping. I told him he had to stop it. He did but.... he started to resent me a lot for making him give up HIS FRIENDS! He told me over the years I ruined his life, etc.

Then it started up again. This time it was with other women from his past. And he went underground. Secret phone calls, texts, emails and MEETINGS. I found out by accident. He said he needed someone to talk to, and he confessed he tells these women all his marriage problems and that they are "there for him".

We've been to counselling. The therapist has told him until she is blue in the face that his behaviour is wrong and very damaging and he just says "I don't agree". I've asked him time and time again to stop. Again I get the "you're making me dump my old friends".

My point is, you can go to therapy all you want. If this man has a different set of values from you, a different idea of what a marriage is, he will never change and he will just turn on you as the reason for his woes, and "ruining his life".

In my husband's case, he came from a divorced home where even when his parents were still married both of them didn't have anything to do with each other. Father had girlfriends on the side, mother was zonked out on prescription meds. After his parents nasty and bitter divorce both parents re-married within 3 months, and divorced again and remarried again then his dad died of cancer. I understand he has a sick view on marriage but if you seek help and a therapist tells you what is normal and you ignore it and continue down the same path as your parents... you have no hope. I told him that and he said "well maybe I'm just not cut out to be married".

I said maybe you should have told me that before we got married and had children together.

My STBXH says he loves me but he won't stop seeing these women and he would give me (and our child) up to keep his dear "friends". He tells me he knew them before he knew me so they are more important. By the way, all these women are SINGLE.. products of their own divorces.

I often ask myself what sort of women hang around married men and get involved in their marriage problems. But then again all I have to do is look at this forum and realize there's literally millions of them.

Let me also say that the effect his emotional infidelity has had on the way I feel about him is huge. I pulled away over these past 6 yrs, I don't trust him, I don't feel comfortable sharing with him or showing him affection and love. I don't feel he's my husband and what goes on between us stays between us. 

He's dug his own wedding grave in my opinion.

ps. After the last set of emails and texts I discovered I kicked him out of our house and I'm getting ready to file for divorce. You CANNOT go on like this. Make the move, set your boundaries.


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## cornfieldgirl (Nov 11, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> cornfieldgirl, this is going to sound very random, because you haven't given us that much background on your husband. But I have to ask--does he fit either one of the two "types" below]
> 
> no, he does not. In fact, other than this problem, he is a wonderful husband ans father.
> 
> I appreciate all of the advice, mostly because I needed to hear that my anger is justified and that I am not blowing things out of proportion.


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## MrsSloPok (Nov 12, 2012)

It seems to me he isn't gonna stop this at all. He doesn't love you enough to not do what he knows would hurt you if you ever found out. Best of luck to you!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

cornfieldgirl said:


> iheartlife said:
> 
> 
> > cornfieldgirl, this is going to sound very random, because you haven't given us that much background on your husband. But I have to ask--does he fit either one of the two "types" below]
> ...


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## cornfieldgirl (Nov 11, 2012)

So I confronted him about it and he says that because it's just catching up or saying hello it's ok. Now I'm getting the silent treatment.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

cornfieldgirl said:


> So I confronted him about it and he says that because it's just catching up or saying hello it's ok. Now I'm getting the silent treatment.


Of course - this is what they all say. That line is stock standard response. Give him the silent treatment back. Even better, pack his bags and call him a cab.


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## Snookums (Nov 6, 2012)

If it has to be lied abot or hidden then it's wrong, and obviously he or she knows it's wrong because of lying & hiding emails, texts or phone calls!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

cornfieldgirl said:


> So I confronted him about it and he says that because it's just catching up or saying hello it's ok. Now I'm getting the silent treatment.


Your husband is walking all over you.
He knows that you will back down just like you did the last time.

Now he's is abusing you with this " silent treatment" as if he is the innocent party.

You need to take time consider your situation and take appropriate action.
Stop enabling his bad behaviour by " acting normal."

If bad behaviour is not rewarded with punishment, the transgressor will remain defiant, and go further .


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

There are certain rules that have to abide by in a marriage. You set place a rule... he basically ignored, despite knowing how strongly you felt about it. If your feelings aren't worth it, then perhaps you do need to think about your relationship.

Our rule in the house regarding FB... NO EX'S!!!! Its as simple as that, no former bfs or sex partners from either of your pasts should be 1 IM away while you are married. In marriage, there has to be boundaries... and then need to be respected by both parties. He's calling your bluff in regards to you ending it. I'd start making steps to end it... and see how he reacts.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

cornfieldgirl said:


> My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 beautiful children. We both work full time and are very busy. I have a very difficult time trusting anyone, due to experiencing and witnessing so much infidelity in my life. Throughout our marriage, I have caught my husband texting or FB chatting with various women friends and ex girlfriends. Sometimes these chats became inappropriate and what I guess you would call "sexting." He has always hidden this from me and lied to me about it at times. He denies that anything physical has ever happened and I have nothing to prove otherwise. I have always discovered these because I check his phone or email - usually when he's asleep and doesn't know I am. The last time it happened, I swore to him it would be the last and I would leave him. I recently discovered some more or less innocent chats with ex-girlfriends on facebook, and even an attempt to call one on the phone. He often complains to the other women about my not trusting him. Should I be upset, or should I let it go?


there is no reason or excuse to keep in contact with an "ex" unless they have a kid or kids together, other than that its just bad news and you should be very concerned and upset,

on a side note, nothing good ever comes from using facebook, it does more harm than good, its the devils tool, and a huge waste of time, unfortunately society has come to the point where people are blinded and can not see this


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