# To end marriage or not



## copingwithself (Jul 11, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have and 8 year old son and 7 year old daughter.
7 years ago I lied to him about a money issue and we have lived in hell since! A few months after the issue, he was arrested for DV.
So, 7 years of no conversation other than verbal abuse, no closeness, no love, no kindness, nothing. Told that I was a piece of ****, I have nothing to offer our family and that I should just leave and let him and his family raise our children. Our family life had become a business and that's how we ran it.
We still socialized with family and friend on the weekends as a buffer so we didn't have to spend time alone. We haven't slept in the same bed for at least 4 years.
Two weeks ago, I told him I was meeting my friend for drinks. I did meet a friend but not who I told him I was meeting. It was a guy I went to high school with 30 years and it was strictly for drinks. By midnight he got concerned because I was not home yet and that is completely out of character for me. He went on my FB and saw an innocent conversation I had been having with this guy and saw that we had planned to meet. The **** hit the fan when I got home and has continued to two weeks.
Five days later, he choked me, told me to leave, drug me down the hall in front of our children, and slapped me across the phone! I grabbed the phone and dialed 911 but he got it out of my hand. I thought for sure I would die that night.
Now, I hear everyday how much he loves me, he didn't realize what I dark place I had gotten to, and he wants everything to work out for our family. I don't know that I do. I am very conflicted. I want to be happy and I want my children to be in a happy environment. He belittles what he has done and believes the kids are not effected by his actions. We saw a therapist this week.
I'm just looking for an outlet and hoping for some advice. Thanks!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So he caught you making plans to cheat and reacted with violence?

Not good on both parts. You for cheating, however little you accomplished.

Him for getting violent.

I'm not so sure I would stick around if I were you. MC for the both of you and anger management for him--at least.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Major issues here. 

You're married, so you shouldn't be sneaking around, lying about who you are with, and then going out for drinks with some dude from high-school until past midnight. That's shady behavior for any married person.

SAYING THAT....

You need to leave this psycho and get your kids away from him too. I would be speaking with law enforcement if he choked you and slapped you down the hall in front of the kids. He has serious anger management issues.

Get some help. Pronto.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree that there's plenty of issues on both sides, but because of the physical abuse, I'd say get out. The safety of you and the kids overrides anything else. 

Having said that... What you did with staying out till midnight "for drinks" with another man would be completely unacceptable in many marriages. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but it is not some innocent get together. 

Your whole marriage/family dynamic is broken. You can try MC to help, but I don't see it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## copingwithself (Jul 11, 2014)

I'm definitely not innocent. I didn't have sex with the guy but enjoyed the nice conversation we had. I was emotionally pushed to the point of wanting a conversation with someone who was nice. It was truly innocent.
What keeps going through my mind is my children screaming and crying and I can't get it to stop!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

was that the first time your husband got violent with you? and what was your money-related lie, more exactly?


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

I'd be very interested to hear your H's version of the past 7 years.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You and he have a mountain of 7 years of resentment on both sides to wade through, this is not an easy fix.. when this magnitude of Emotional and physical needs, just plain caring for each other / feeling affection has been neglected and stomped upon.. it's really no wonder you were tempted to step out on him.. he has probably felt the same over the years..

But again...this was wrong..

Allowing things to fester for THIS Length of time...it's just such a waste.. the children can surely FEEL the tension in the home...

Fighting to get back to what you had....come hell or high water would have been the better path, or consequences you can no longer live LIKE THIS.. to cause a fire under him to change his ways...

THIS incident brought it into the light... so now you and he will have to face the music...fight your way back to each other, finding a resolution you can both live with & back into bed together... or get out....

If he can not control his Temper in this....you need to leave for your own safety ...some things are automatic deal breakers, this is one of those.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

To me, physical violence trumps all. I am specifically speaking on the part of a man.

I think you need to at least separate, OP, if not divorce. He sounds like the classic abuser: hits you, and then is all sorry . . . Until he does it again, and maybe worse.

You were afraid he would kill you that night. I am sure you were, with that history.

About the cheating . . . If you feel so alone, it is definitely time for a divorce. At least get legally separated before you see other guys. You will have a clearer conscience.

I feel sorry for you and your kids. Please be extra nurturing of yourself and them. Could you go and stay with family? Do you have a support network?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Marriage counseling is out, given your family's financial problem.

Since you seem to think the initial cause of your current situation is the fact you lied about a "money issue" (more detail would be nice to have but not necessary), let's assume that's the trigger factor.

Have you set down with him to talk this out, plan how to conquer the money issue, set a goal, etc?

Have you consulted with legit financial advisors/counsellors (not the ones who try to rip you off)? Have you done research on how to save money, how to fight debts, how to spend less, how to be very, very thrifty?

Set and work on a plan. Make it a family project. 

Be committed to pull more than your share. Perseverance is a must. Dont worry about stumbling; get back up and keep going.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children are quick to pick up on family dynamics. He's foolish to believe otherwise. And children often repeat them when they are adults. Family of origin issues can unfortunately follow us through life.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

I'm interested to know why you've stayed this long OP? This is not a healthy place for you or your children. My thoughts on what you've written are that you need to leave asap. This is beyond anger management, you've lived almost separately for 4 years. Why the pretense? Why not just leave?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to just end this marriage.

Is this the first time he was physically abusive? 

Do you have any bruising or other injuries from his attack?


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## copingwithself (Jul 11, 2014)

The physical abuse was not the first time. The first time was 7 years, he was arrested, went thru DV classes, and paid almost $10,000 in fine.
We are in a great financial situation now, with great insurance, that covers therapy. The only debt we have is our mortgage and one car payment.
I don't know that I can emotionally recover from the past 7 years. I had a breakdown Friday night as I continue to hear my children screaming from a couple weeks ago! He continues to apologize, telling me how much loves me, sending flowers, etc but I feel it's too late. I truly think I just want a place of my own for myself and my children.
I truly appreciate all the feedback!!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Do not drop the A bomb on your marriage.

It is in bad shape, (your marriage), but do not make it so much worse.

Stay away from POSOM that will cheat with a married woman.

Get D first and then try to find some man that does not cheat, because you do not want your AP around your children.

I have had to work with too many messed up children from abusive "boyfriends".

Think about your children. Don't cheat on them with some guy from years ago. Get out first and look for a good guy if you can't fix it with your H. 

Have you tried counseling yet? I am talking about what makes you think it is okay to cheat? 

and your H needs anger counseling, but stop setting your marriage on fire.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

copingwithself said:


> The physical abuse was not the first time. The first time was 7 years, he was arrested, went thru DV classes, and paid almost $10,000 in fine.
> We are in a great financial situation now, with great insurance, that covers therapy. The only debt we have is our mortgage and one car payment.
> I don't know that I can emotionally recover from the past 7 years. I had a breakdown Friday night as I continue to hear my children screaming from a couple weeks ago! He continues to apologize, telling me how much loves me, sending flowers, etc but I feel it's too late. I truly think I just want a place of my own for myself and my children.
> I truly appreciate all the feedback!!


sounds like you've told him some pretty significant lies, including you choosing to go out on a date with another man and attempt to hide it from him. he probably does not trust you.
on the other hand habitual physical abuse of you is something he has to answer for.

looks to me as if you have valid reason to end the marriage, and that he does too. probably the best solution all around.


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