# The Feeling of Failure



## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Hi everyone,

So, a few months back I posted about my situation. My XW walked out on me and we ended up getting a dissolution. Her reason for leaving was because I didn't give her enough affection or attention and I will admit this was true. I know I did some things wrong and I realize that now. I was the classic nice guy and although I lacked with the affection and attention, there is nothing I would not have done for her. We have a daughter together who we share time with equally. Ultimately, we're both good people and even though we have our differences I still feel that she is a good person.

I recently started seeing someone new. She is a great person and treats me differently than my XW. So far I'm very happy with her. Even though there are many things to be happy about in my life right now I can't overcome this feeling of failure. It's almost an everyday feeling of sadness and failure that hits me. It's hard because I can almost see the sadness in my daughter's face when we pick up or drop her off. It would be different if my XW had cheated or had an affair, then maybe I wouldn't feel this regret.

Has anyone else ever felt like this and how did you overcome those feelings?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long ago was the divorce? Did you wait long before dating again? It sounds ike you haven't grieved the marriage/divorce.


You just have to realize that processing a divorce isn't for the faint. There is no timetable for when you will feel better. All you can do is realize that is in the past now and endeavor to not repeat the same mistakes and work on you and on living a newer/better life.

It's not a failure. You learned things about yourself and about her, about relationships and met someone you loved, even if it ended in divorce. Most relationships don't last anyway. Be thankful you did share that experience with someone. Many people never experience love or marriage. Think of it that way.


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Thanks for reply Jellybeans,

The dissolution was final back in November. I do realize that my XW and I were not very compatible to begin with and I don't have feelings for her anymore. I think the feeling of failure is due to how it may effect my daughter now and in the future. This is not the life I wanted for her and I did the best I could to stop it from happening.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with JB, it sounds like you jumped right into something new without dealing with the loss of your marriage. Take it as a learning experience, and carry the lessons into your current/future relationships. You now know what NOT to do. 

Also, your ex does share blame on this if she did not speak up and let you know where she was with your behavior.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Maybe this new relationship is too soon for you? Have you made your feelings known to her?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Motic I understand. One of the hardest parts of my D to come to terms with was the fact that my ex turned into such a horrible parent. I felt overwhelmingly responsible for sticking my kids with a deadbeat dad. I mean, I picked him, I put up with it, I filed for divorce. They had no input in the choices I made that impacted their lives.

But then I remind myself that today, right now, they are so much happier than they were the last several years of my marriage. Today, they are happy, healthy, kind, responsible and loving children. I don't believe for one minute that I could say that if we were still married. 

It takes time. So don't beat yourself up.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

We all feel some failure for our failed relationships. Even if you did nothing wrong you still picked that person so you have some claim to that relationship. 

Don't let the failure define you. Learn from it and become better. Then it won't have been in vain


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> We all feel some failure for our failed relationships. Even if you did nothing wrong you still picked that person so you have some claim to that relationship.
> 
> Don't let the failure define you. Learn from it and become better. * Then it won't have been in vain*


This.
Right here.

We have to learn from our mistakes or we repeat them.
Some might say we failed.
Others might say we learned how NOT to do it

I say it was time well invested in learning how to love.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I don't understand all the "maybe this new relationship is too soon?" posts. The OP said nothing about his current relationship only that he still has feelings of failure when he sees the sadness in his daughter's eyes.
OP, your feelings of failure are typical and you are to be applauded for moving forward with your life. It is very obvious that you have not allowed your feelings of failure to define you. My time table is very similar to your, as is my story. I too get feelings of being a failure when I see my grown daughter. I think this is typical. I do not allow the feelings to define who I am or what I want. Neither should you.
You are not alone, read some of the posts by some of these members who have been here for years post divorce. You will still see hints of the same feelings years later. It is natural. But like everything else in life, you will move forward.
There is no going back, no changing the past. It is over and you can do nothing about that. Learn from the mistakes that you made and put those lessons to good use moving forward. Do not dwell on your feelings but learn from them.
I like you, can look back and see many things I could have done differently, but so what? There is nothing I can do about it now. In fact more often than not I am able to pinpoint the reason I didn't do things then. Often times it was because at the time, some other issue made me NOT feel like being more affectionate or loving - something she had done to begin with that made me feel less loving towards her or angry or not feel appreciated.


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I like you, can look back and see many things I could have done differently, but so what? There is nothing I can do about it now.* In fact more often than not I am able to pinpoint the reason I didn't do things then. Often times it was because at the time, some other issue made me NOT feel like being more affectionate or loving - something she had done to begin with that made me feel less loving towards her or angry or not feel appreciated*.


Ynot, I agree with you 100%! You took the words right out of my mouth. I find that in my new relationship I feel like being loving and giving her that affection and attention, unlike in my marriage. I really think there was an underlying reason for my lack of attention and affection in my marriage, not just me being neglectful. I just don't know if I can pinpoint exactly what it was. I guess maybe just a difference in personalities.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Motic..... our XWs sound similar. Since she expected you to read her mind... she shouldn't have

been expected to verbalize her disagreements with you. 

You were there when you got the ILYBINILWY and 'it's too late' spill..... wanting to work on things.

She walked away giving no true grievance. Dude... she failed you. Many times the Xs end up

regretting their decision. My parents did, remarried back in 60s, even my XW did. I was lucky enough

to hear those words come out of her mouth. Most never do... the best thing you can do is

lead a happy and productive life, be a great dad. By doing so... that is how your XW will wonder if

she might have made a mistake. Revenge is best served cold....


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> *Motic..... our XWs sound similar. Since she expected you to read her mind... she shouldn't have
> 
> been expected to verbalize her disagreements with you.
> 
> ...


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> She walked away giving no true grievance. Dude... she failed you. *Many times the Xs end up
> 
> regretting their decision*. My parents did, remarried back in 60s, even my XW did. *I was lucky enough
> 
> ...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Motic said:


> Chuck71 said:
> 
> 
> > *Motic..... our XWs sound similar. Since she expected you to read her mind... she shouldn't have
> ...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Motic said:


> Chuck71 said:
> 
> 
> > She walked away giving no true grievance. Dude... she failed you. *Many times the Xs end up
> ...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Motic said:


> Chuck71 said:
> 
> 
> > *Motic..... our XWs sound similar. Since she expected you to read her mind... she shouldn't have
> ...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

To extend SJ's wise comment.... I saw my D as a bicycle race. The one who completely checked-out

first gets a head start. The ahead path is questionable and murky. The one who was left behind

may hit the path at a later time but catches up quite quickly. Eventually, I surpassed my STBXW on

the path. When I reached the finish line, guess who was shouting to me for directions.

It's not how you start the race, it's how you finish it.


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Motic said:
> 
> 
> > Allow me to answer this!
> ...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Motic said:


> SamuraiJack said:
> 
> 
> > It makes sense SamuraiJack....I have no doubt this is exactly what happened.
> ...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> Motic said:
> 
> 
> > The hardest part is coming to terms that they simply dropped you like a hot rock and walked away. In some ways it's very dehumanizing and they will NEVER admit that they were a party to that.
> ...


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> Motic said:
> 
> 
> > The hardest part is coming to terms that they simply dropped you like a hot rock and walked away. In some ways it's very dehumanizing and they will NEVER admit that they were a party to that.
> ...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Morcoll said:


> SamuraiJack said:
> 
> 
> > Why is there 'no way that will ever happen'?
> ...


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Morcoll said:
> 
> 
> > Some people are either *too prideful* or *too self absorbed* to ever see what they did as wrong or harmful.
> ...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Motic said:


> SamuraiJack said:
> 
> 
> > These are exactly the traits of my XW. She's also a little lacking on empathy and remorse too. Needless to say if she ever does admit that she did anything wrong it will be in a round about way.
> ...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Motic said:
> 
> 
> > No matter what happened she always made it look like it was possible, but then blamed me for something that caused her not to want reconciliation anymore.
> ...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Ynot said:


> SamuraiJack said:
> 
> 
> > This is exactly what happened to me. My ex instigated the incident that supposedly made her decide to leave.
> ...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Ynot said:
> 
> 
> > I could forgiver her for leaving as well, but the GAMES and MANIPULATION around it were just too much.
> ...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Ynot said:


> SamuraiJack said:
> 
> 
> > Lying to my children is another issue. When we went to counseling the counselor said she could help us but only if both of us were willing. I said I would do anything to save my marriage, she just blew it off and said it was a waste of time. Afterwards she pushed for an immediate dissolution. I told her that the best I could do was accept one. She left there and called our kids and flat out lied to them. She told them the counselor said she couldn't help us and that we had agreed to a dissolution. I told her then that one thing I would never do is lie to my children. I later found out that she lied to them about several other things. She claimed she had no idea that I had filed bankruptcy and she denied any premeditation. I told my children the truth. She did not like that and thought I should cover for her. F' that! The whole thing is on her. I did everything I could do and I know I can face my kids, my family, my creator and most importantly myself knowing that the only thing I was guilty of us was trying to be the best husband that I knew how to be. Her refusal to talk or discuss the issues is just more evidence of the cowardice and selfishness that in hind sight she had displayed throughout our time together.
> ...


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