# Should we "act" happy?



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

My wife and I are struggling with many issues in our marriage. We were on the verge of separation/divorce but I pulled back at the last minute and said we should give it another try. 

I did it for the sake of the kids despite not having any feelings left for the husband/wife relationship. But I was willing to see if any spark could be re-ignited.

As a result, my wife is now acting 'normal' and happy and she expects me to do the same. But I am finding it very difficult to "act" happy when I feel nothing for the relationship.

My question is this: Do you think I should act happy if we're trying to work on our marital problems?

My wife says I am treating her like sh_t but I'm not doing anything other than minding my own business.

It's confusing and frustrating for both of us.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Are we to assume her act includes pretending you have a sex life when you don't? Love the avatar by the way


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Are we to assume her act includes pretending you have a sex life when you don't?


No way! Going on 6 sexless years now. It's the dilema of:

- Women need to feel close to have sex
- Men need to have sex to feel close


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i feel your pain brotha!!!

i think acting happy is short term. it will get where you cant even do that anymore.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

My wife has been doing this to me for a while.. In fact I have no clue. it could be a few months or a few years. Her own mother who lives with us 3-5 days a week didn't know my wofe was putting on the "ACT"... it's not fair to both parties and will only end in heartache for both later.. Need to resolve the differences and move on to allow good feelings..


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

D8zed said:


> No way! Going on 6 sexless years now. It's the dilema of:
> 
> - Women need to feel close to have sex
> - Men need to have sex to feel close


So are you saying that she expects you to act happy, while the sexlessness continues?


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> So are you saying that she expects you to act happy, while the sexlessness continues?


ABSOLUTELY! She said she would feel like a prostitute if she had sex with someone she didn't feel close to. Honestly, I don't know if this is 'normal' or not. It makes logical sense to me although I don't like it one bit. But not much I can do about it.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i am NOT alone


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## Simple Soul (Aug 28, 2009)

..Nope bro. this is very common, even after 30+ years of marriage. What really hurts is when she says "you"re a nice guy" but counselling wont help and it's time for " new awakenings" and "new horizons"...omg, regardless of family happiness. It happens.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

why would you want to act happy? someone offering you a movie deal?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

preso said:


> why would you want to act happy? someone offering you a movie deal?



yes, a remake of groundhog day


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> yes, a remake of groundhog day



:smthumbup:


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I've heard it said that actions can lead to feelings. Meaning that if you act loving toward your partner, then that can lead to feeling loving toward your partner.

But the important question for both of you is: Are you willing to work on rebuilding your relationship? Or are you just going through the motions? It doesn't sound like the two of you have any type of re-connect plan. What are you working on for her? What is she working on for you?



> My wife says I am treating her like sh_t but I'm not doing anything other than minding my own business.


If you are really trying to see if something can be re-ignited, it ain't gonna happen by minding your own business.

How about not thinking of it as acting happy, but as acting loving? You don't have to act happy....the two of you have things to work through. But you can be loving while you're working.

I mean, you say you decided to stay for the kids. Fine. Then don't they deserve your best effort?


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

> Are you willing to work on rebuilding your relationship?


Not really. Not at this time anyway.



> Or are you just going through the motions?


Yeah, pretty much. Just trying to do enough to not receive yet another lecture.



> It doesn't sound like the two of you have any type of re-connect plan.


Seeing a counselor as been discussed but no one ever does anything.



> What are you working on for her?


Not much. Just being "nice" and acting happy as much as possible.



> What is she working on for you?


Not much. Just being "nice" and acting happy as much as possible.



> If you are really trying to see if something can be re-ignited, it ain't gonna happen by minding your own business.


Let's just say that if I were single and dating, she would not be a person I would ask out, especially knowing what I do today about her.



> How about not thinking of it as acting happy, but as acting loving?


Act loving although you're NOT in love???


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

If you aren't going to make an effort, then why did you decide to stay?

The following is just my opinion, but in your OP you said:


> I pulled back at the last minute and said we should give it another try.





> But I was willing to see if any spark could be re-ignited.


If that's true...then TRY. Give this chance your 100%

And that includes doing little loving things for her...even if you don't feel like it yet. A card...a flower...her favorite treat. That's part of the whole deal, learning how to act loving to each other again.

If you aren't going to try, then leave.

Or stay, and fake it for the kids. But then FAKE IT...yes...act happy for their sake. 

But don't lie to yourself about trying to work it out, then doing nothing. You aren't doing anyone any favors that way. Not you, not your wife, and not your kids.

Of course you are frustrated and confused. The two of you were going to separate, then didn't, and still aren't working to fix what is broken.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

How old are the kids?


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

20 and 16.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

Well, I stayed in a marriage for 20 years (my first husband was bipolar) that made me very unhappy indeed. I was recently told by my son that he was very aware from an extremely young age that things werent right and that he was much happier after I and his father split.

His father and I worked hard at both being there for our son and in letting him know that it was in no way his fault. My son has grown up now knowing that both his parents loved him very much and he adapted quickly to our new situations.

So I guess I'm just saying that you shouldn't underestimate your kids. They probably can see right through the act and may even be happier if it wasn't going on for "their sake"


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> So are you saying that she expects you to act happy, while the sexlessness continues?


I am going on 4 months I think but it could be a little less, I'm bad about keeping track. But I don't even care anymore and am disgusted by her even touching me. Now I don't want her and treat her like garbage sometimes because I see her as a waist of space to be around and a waist of time to even talk to. 

I hate her for doing this to me over and over, purposely. Plus the more she does it the more I notice that she ain't worth all that hassle.

Oh man, I hate hearing that this is "NORMAL". I want to hear that it is equally normal and acceptable for us men to frequent prostitutes or flat out cheat, right.

I hate women sometimes, I swear, too bad I ain't gay, yet.

j/k


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

carmaenforcer said:


> I hate her for doing *this *to me over and over, purposely. Plus the more she does *it *the more I notice that she ain't worth all that hassle.


What is "this" and "it" you are referring to???


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## 2behappy (Sep 2, 2009)

I feel for you......6 years sexless. My husband and I are on our 28th year of marriage...with all of the ups and downs that relationship brings. Right now we're stuck....I'm stuck in the "I need emotional connection" and "he feels everything can just instantly be ok, with a little kinky sex". Don't take that wrongly...I love sex and wish that our life could include more. :smthumbup: (We have 5 children and both work full time.....saving this for the next post that I want to originate....I seem to post/erase/post/erase but so badly need to hear from the other "old marriages" how to get that spark back) I WANT THOSE BUTTERFLIES AGAIN....I want to feel special....I want communication....so on a woman's side....yes, emotional connection is HUGE....but 6 years my friend is unheard of. She just must not be "into you" like you're not "into her"..... I think I'd "move on".....forget the "acting" happy....and find someone who wants to share an intimate life with me on every level.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

D8zed said:


> What is "this" and "it" you are referring to???


Sorry *D8zed*, I don't wish to hi-jack this thread with my issues, but the "*This*" and "*it*" is the withholding of sex and the total disregard of my needs.

Yes, we (men) need to romance and keep the woman emotionally happy in order to make the environment suitable for a possible sexual desire to blossom but at the same time women have to realize that us men "need" sexual release and it has little to nothing to do with emotions. Meet us half way and just bite the bullet and pleasure us "the way we want it" from time to time and you in turn either will get all that you want and need or at least have a good reason to b_tch if you, it turn do not get what you want out of the relationship.

Catch 22 probably though huh


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

no, its not a catch 22 unless the woman doesnt like sex at all. in most cases it seems that women like sex and get pleasure from it but they dont want to "give in" to their husbands who arent meeting their needs. both people like sex, women need more so nobody gets sex


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

This sounds very immature to me..."I'm not having sex with you because I don't feel close" "I don't feel close to you because I'm not getting any sex"

I think you need to pick up the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and BOTH you and your wife read it. If things go well with that book, try and get your wife to read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

Your marriage will go no where if you're both not willing to take the time and fulfill each others' needs.


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## mea_3 (Sep 13, 2009)

:scratchhead:No! Why act happy if your not? The best way to deal with this is to get to the root of your unhappiness. Have you tired couples counseling?


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## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

Methink your marriage is dead.. completely dead..
Plus the kids are not kids anymore.. they are almost adults.. well one is.. 

They should be OK.. if you separate.. they are old enough to understand.. if you're both good parents.. the damage shouldn't be as big.. it depends how you handle the separation.

It won't get better.. marriage doesn't last IMO.. after a while, like 15-20+ years, it gets boring.. most couple aren't on the same page anymore.

My motto.. LIFE IS TOO SHORT .... :lol:


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

mea_3 said:


> :scratchhead:No! Why act happy if your not? The best way to deal with this is to get to the root of your unhappiness. Have you tired couples counseling?


Wife and I both attended a few sessions of individual counseling first. We then had a session planned where both counselors would be present, however, her counselor had to pull out due to a family emergency.

During the session with the both of us, the counselor asked my wife where she was emotionally with the marriage. My wife went into a diatribe about how she was done, how she has waited long enough for me to see *my* problems, blah, blah, blah. The session ended shortly thereafter.

Two hours later my wife announces to me she has changed her mind because she doesn't believe in divorce and will not be the one who initiates it. (This all happened this past spring.)

Today, there's talk of seeing a new MC but no one ever does anything about it.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Lizzie60 said:


> They should be OK.. if you separate.. they are old enough to understand.. if you're both good parents.. the damage shouldn't be as big.. it depends how you handle the separation.


The hard part is that my wife gets the kids involved in our marital difficulties. My wife is a drama queen and LOVES sympathy and attention. She plays the victim role very well. However, I believe strongly in *not* getting children involved so I don't say a word to them. I believe this has backfired on me because it appears the kids think "dad is being selfish and trying to leave US".


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## zengoddess (Sep 20, 2009)

D8zed said:


> No way! Going on 6 sexless years now. It's the dilema of:
> 
> - Women need to feel close to have sex
> - Men need to have sex to feel close


Mmmm...I wonder if that's true. My husband once said: "how can I have sex with you when I don't feel close to you?" That was usually after an argument. Sometimes I wonder, which of us was the woman in this relationship. Mind you he is a strong, handsome, athletic, "macho" kind of man. Very masculine. And I'm a feminine type (granted, I am much more sexual than him).

We didn't have make-up sex like most couples because of it.

Is he normal? :scratchhead:


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## zengoddess (Sep 20, 2009)

D8zed said:


> M
> My question is this: Do you think I should act happy if we're trying to work on our marital problems?


Yes, how can you work on your marriage when you act sullen all the time and while your wife is trying to put the effort?

It's great when both want to work on it.

And remember you can only change yourself, so start with yourself....always.

But I also believe both of you need to work on each of your resentment. Try to overcome it. As long as it's there it will always pop up every time you perceive a slight. It's not conducive to reconciliation.

Drama is death to relationship.


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## mea_3 (Sep 13, 2009)

D8zed said:


> Wife and I both attended a few sessions of individual counseling first. We then had a session planned where both counselors would be present, however, her counselor had to pull out due to a family emergency.
> 
> During the session with the both of us, the counselor asked my wife where she was emotionally with the marriage. My wife went into a diatribe about how she was done, how she has waited long enough for me to see *my* problems, blah, blah, blah. The session ended shortly thereafter.
> 
> ...



Well, Honestly it sounds to me like she's a touch confused. So, I think it's a great idea for you both to seek a new Marriage Conselor.. perhaps a new perspective will help. Good luck to you.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

zengoddess said:


> Mmmm...I wonder if that's true. My husband once said: "how can I have sex with you when I don't feel close to you?" That was usually after an argument. Sometimes I wonder, which of us was the woman in this relationship. Mind you he is a strong, handsome, athletic, "macho" kind of man. Very masculine. And I'm a feminine type (granted, I am much more sexual than him).
> 
> We didn't have make-up sex like most couples because of it.
> 
> Is he normal? :scratchhead:


I don't doubt for one minute that the majority of husbands/wives feel that way:

Husbands: I need to have sex in order to feel close to you.
Wives: I need to feel close to you in order to have sex with you.

The book "The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship" uses the acronymn CREATE (Chemistry, Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust, Empathy) to define the 'pillars' of a successful relationship. 

The first pillar (Chemistry) touches on the sexual aspect. It talks a little about what some people refer to as "duty sex". In other words, the author recognizes that sex should be present in a relationship to (re)build strong chemistry.

I couldn't agree more.


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