# At the end of my rope.....



## dudeman1 (Sep 13, 2011)

And I don't know what to do. I'll try to keep this not too lengthy.
My wife and I have been married 6 years, together 9 years. Lately it seems we "fight" just about every week. I say it that was because its not really fighting, its her getting pissed at me for some piddling thing that most couples would laugh at. 

When she gets upset, good Lord, look out because everyone can become the target. But she's always been this way, nothing new to me. 

This instance started because we went to look at a camper to buy. The guy wanted way too much for it,in its condition. She said it was up to me, and I didn't buy it. Low and behold, she gets pissed. Didn't talk the whole way home (about 1 hour). I finally pry out of her what her deal is, and the screaming starts (her). She says basically I wasted her time and this and that. (Her time basically consists of sitting on the couch watching tv or on the computer, since she hasn't worked in 4 years, and I work 2 jobs). I know from previous arguments that her anger stems from another issue, so I try and ask her about it, which getting her to talk is like trying to make a rock bleed. Eventually, after trying, she starts yelling cuz she's getting irritated and says she doesn't like me, and if I don't leave her alone she'll break my nose. I don't back down since this is common. Usually she'll get really pissed and yell louder in this case. I keep my cool, she says if I want someone to "talk about problems, go find someone else."

This floors me. She just started using that phrase, and "don't bother coming home" and "you better have divorce papers with you" this past year and a half. Its like her final word on the argument.

Like I said, I'm at the end of my rope. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around her, I can't be myself, because it irritates her. I tried asking her to go to counselling, but she won't go, and that incites another of her pissy fits. This is the way she's always been, I question if I made the right decision marrying her, since she was even like this (to a way lesser extent) back when we were dating. I do love her and I always will, but I'm lost and my patience has run out.

Sorry if this was long, it is the condensed version.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

She's obviously upset about something. The problem I see here is that you two don't seem to operate under any agreement about "fighting fair". Both of you need to commit yourselves to a set of rules regarding what is and is not allowable communication when you are upset. And "don't come home" is not on the approved list. Google "fighting fair" and maybe get a counselor to help if you can't hold to an agreement between yourselves


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Since this is nothing new to you and you say she has always been this way, are you looking to get out? Or just some suggestions on how to deal with things better? 

With her telling you to not bother coming home and you need to bring divorce papers with you, then the next time she says this, say, "Since I'm such a thorn in your side, and you have such a problem with me, then why don't YOU give me the divorce papers?"

Its always been weird to me that the ones who are truly unhappy and/or want out, always want the other spouse to be the one to make the first move as far as leaving or getting divorce papers.:scratchhead:


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## dudeman1 (Sep 13, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> She's obviously upset about something. The problem I see here is that you two don't seem to operate under any agreement about "fighting fair". Both of you need to commit yourselves to a set of rules regarding what is and is not allowable communication when you are upset. And "don't come home" is not on the approved list. Google "fighting fair" and maybe get a counselor to help if you can't hold to an agreement between yourselves


Thanks. I've tried just about everything. I've tried working with her about fighting fair. But when she's angry, she sees red. She even said she didn't love me. She's said this before, and usually comes in to find me after a couple hours and hugs and kisses me and says sorry. But we never talk and resolve anything (bleeding rock).

I come from a family who talks and resolves things, her family just pretends it never happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

dudeman1 said:


> Thanks. I've tried just about everything. I've tried working with her about fighting fair. But when she's angry, she sees red. She even said she didn't love me. She's said this before, and usually comes in to find me after a couple hours and hugs and kisses me and says sorry. But we never talk and resolve anything (bleeding rock).
> 
> I come from a family who talks and resolves things, her family just pretends it never happens.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe she is bipolar? Google that and see if it helps shed some light on if it sounds like how she acts.


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## dudeman1 (Sep 13, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Since this is nothing new to you and you say she has always been this way, are you looking to get out? Or just some suggestions on how to deal with things better?
> 
> With her telling you to not bother coming home and you need to bring divorce papers with you, then the next time she says this, say, "Since I'm such a thorn in your side, and you have such a problem with me, then why don't YOU give me the divorce papers?"
> 
> Its always been weird to me that the ones who are truly unhappy and/or want out, always want the other spouse to be the one to make the first move as far as leaving or getting divorce papers.:scratchhead:


I'm not sure what I want. Like I said I'm at the end of my rope and I'm lost. My patience is gone, and if the arguing starts up again, I may do or say something I may regret. I'm a patient person (comes in handy @ work). She's so cold now, I try and hug or kiss her, but she recoils and says leave her alone. Right now its like roomates, this is day 3
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

dudeman1 said:


> Thanks. I've tried just about everything. I've tried working with her about fighting fair. But when she's angry, she sees red. She even said she didn't love me. She's said this before, and usually comes in to find me after a couple hours and hugs and kisses me and says sorry. But we never talk and resolve anything (bleeding rock).
> 
> I come from a family who talks and resolves things, her family just pretends it never happens.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I've got this in spades. In my case we can't reconcile because my wife can't allow herself to admit having done anything wrong. Ditto for her family. Since you're at least making up, the issue here is how much unresolved hurt you carry around with you. You can dump this all off by yourself or you can figure out how to get her to help or both.

I used a guide like this Simple Marriage | How To Say I'm Sorry: The 5 Steps To A Genuine Apology and I made a big production about teaching it to my kids and making them do it. Not to be outdone, my wife picked it up on her own and sometimes she goes through the motions. Each time she does, it becomes easier and more genuine. Sometimes I ask her to be more convincing. We are making progress


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

dudeman1 said:


> I'm not sure what I want. Like I said I'm at the end of my rope and I'm lost. My patience is gone, and if the arguing starts up again, I may do or say something I may regret. I'm a patient person (comes in handy @ work). She's so cold now, I try and hug or kiss her, but she recoils and says leave her alone. Right now its like roomates, this is day 3
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. This is withholding affection to get her way. Might help if you knew what she wants. You can ask directly and you can also use the apology instructions I posted before for yourself. And please don't be lost. Write back for directions


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Maybe she is bipolar? Google that and see if it helps shed some light on if it sounds like how she acts.


That was actually my first thought. Most people are not cold, angry, resentful etc, etc, just because. Something has helped them to become that way. Whether it has been some kind of recent event or something from along time ago that wasn't resolved. Either that, or there is a mental condition such as bipolar or something along those lines that has never been diagnosed. And even if it were something such as poor coping/communication skills, that is something that can be learned, if they are willing.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I think her getting angry, saying she wants a divorce, and frequently arguing with her is her way of trying to interact with you. I imagine she feels very misunderstood. It also sounds like she does not know what she wants (and reacts angrily to it). So neither of you know what you want with this marriage and neither feels understood. What would happen if you said, 'I just want you to know, I am committed to you and to our marriage.' How would she react? How would she react if you said, 'I am going to be looking for a new place to live and will be beginning the divorce process.'


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Since this is nothing new to you and you say she has always been this way, are you looking to get out? Or just some suggestions on how to deal with things better?
> 
> With her telling you to not bother coming home and you need to bring divorce papers with you, then the next time she says this, say, "Since I'm such a thorn in your side, and you have such a problem with me, then why don't YOU give me the divorce papers?"
> 
> Its always been weird to me that the ones who are truly unhappy and/or want out, always want the other spouse to be the one to make the first move as far as leaving or getting divorce papers.:scratchhead:


Yep, sometimes calling someone bluff might be just the eye opener they need.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Like some of the others... If my SO constantly threw that in my face, I'd slap the papers down on the table. Put the ball in her court. If she's not willing to try counseling and working on changing the communication processes you two have going on, your choices are either learn to enjoy what you've got, or leave.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dudeman1 said:


> Eventually, after trying, she starts yelling cuz she's getting irritated and says she doesn't like me, and if I don't leave her alone she'll break my nose. I don't back down since this is common. Usually she'll get really pissed and yell louder in this case. I keep my cool, she says if I want someone to "talk about problems, go find someone else."
> 
> This floors me. She just started using that phrase, and "don't bother coming home" and "you better have divorce papers with you" this past year and a half. Its like her final word on the argument.
> 
> Like I said, I'm at the end of my rope. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around her, I can't be myself, because it irritates her.


She sounds like a real peach.

You can't be yourself around her so you're... someone else to placate her?? 

You are in an abusive relationship.

Heed this advice:



PBear said:


> Like some of the others... If my SO constantly threw that in my face, I'd slap the papers down on the table. Put the ball in her court. If she's not willing to try counseling and working on changing the communication processes you two have going on, your choices are either learn to enjoy what you've got, or leave.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

What Jellybeans said.

She is abusive. You are 'used' to her being mean/yelling etc. She also sounds BPD or some such, going crazy and then loving the next minute.

Do you have kids? If not, get out. If you do, get out.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

dudeman1 said:


> I'm not sure what I want. Like I said I'm at the end of my rope and I'm lost. My patience is gone, and if the arguing starts up again, I may do or say something I may regret. I'm a patient person (comes in handy @ work). She's so cold now, I try and hug or kiss her, but she recoils and says leave her alone. Right now its like roomates, this is day 3
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude your story sounds like my early years of marriage exactly tight down to how your family responed to fights vs her family.

It was a difficult road for me but it changed about 25 years ago thank god.


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## dudeman1 (Sep 13, 2011)

thanks for everyone's input. In answer to a question, no we do not have kids, just animals.

Well, yesterday we talked a little and started working through some stuff, but none of it is easy. And today, low an behold it starts again! This time, no threats but another of her yelling and cursing fits (goddamn you, and such) because I didn't get a photo program loaded onto the computer like I said I would. Now I did say I would and I tried, but it was the wrong disk, and she has been asking nicely for a while. I just get busy or distracted and it slips my mind. She calls me on my cell while I'm @ work, working a 24 hour shift and starts screaming @ me, cuz I asked her brother to go down and install one. (He's the comp geek).

So I told her flatly (on txt, she wouldn't answer the phone) never call me and yell @ me for some piddling little sh*t like this again. She said she'll yell all she wants and we haven't spoken in an hour.

Anwho, just an update
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

She sounds immature and like a spoiled brat who doesn't get her way. 

If she is changing from way to the next in just a matter of minutes etc, she likely has some kind BPD or bipolar issue going on. That's what it sounds like anyway.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Is there a reason why she does not have a job? Maybe part-time?

It'll decrease her idle time and raise her self-esteem?


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## dudeman1 (Sep 13, 2011)

aug said:


> Is there a reason why she does not have a job? Maybe part-time?
> 
> It'll decrease her idle time and raise her self-esteem?


She kind of runs her own business, and that is off an on, depending on the season. Basically I consider unemployed. And when I got laid off 2 years ago, she never offered to get a job. Just asked if we needed to move. I'm in another job now, and making ends meet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

She sounds like a petulant child.

Prehaps you should treat her like one.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

dudeman1 said:


> thanks for everyone's input. In answer to a question, no we do not have kids, just animals.
> 
> Well, yesterday we talked a little and started working through some stuff, but none of it is easy. And today, low an behold it starts again! This time, no threats but another of her yelling and cursing fits (goddamn you, and such) because I didn't get a photo program loaded onto the computer like I said I would. Now I did say I would and I tried, but it was the wrong disk, and she has been asking nicely for a while. I just get busy or distracted and it slips my mind. She calls me on my cell while I'm @ work, working a 24 hour shift and starts screaming @ me, cuz I asked her brother to go down and install one. (He's the comp geek).
> 
> ...


Ok now you only sound more like me. You work 24 hour shift? You gotta be a FF or Paramedic like me to work that kind of shift.

I wish i knew a magic word to help you dude but I don't. I went through the same kind of stuff but some how knew she would eventually wake up. She did rather suddenly pull a 180 on me and that was 25 years ago. Things have been great between us ever since. Like I said wish I could do something to help you but it was something she had to come to on her own. If she hadn't it wouldn't have been genuine and wouldn't have stuck.

I just had to make a decision if it was worth it to hang in there and wait for the change. She is the type of head strong girl that has to come to a conclusion on her own; you can't drive her to it. You could nudge her toward it in a covert way but she had to think it was all her own idea. It took a few years but in the long run it was worth it for me.

Good luck dude


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe she says this crap because she wants out. In that case, kick her to the curb. More likely, she says these things because she doesn't dream in a millions years that you'd actually leave. I'd call her bluff. She thinks she's in the driver's seat and can say whatever without consequences. People generally treat us badly only as long as we permit.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

dudeman1 said:


> Now I did say I would and I tried, but it was the wrong disk, and she has been asking nicely for a while. I just get busy or distracted and it slips my mind. She calls me on my cell while I'm @ work, working a 24 hour shift and starts screaming @ me, cuz I asked her brother to go down and install one. (He's the comp geek).
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Just a little insight... part of your post is a bit telling... 

how often does this happen?? That she requests something of you... you commence in the request and then get stymed.. and then become distracted and busy with something else and the request slips your mind? JMHO... do you think that speaks to her that you do not have any interest in taking care of what she needs.. and put other things in the forefront? Where is she in your priority list? Asking her brother to complete the task that you said you would complete without talking with her first...to her may seem like you are sluffing off and copped out. Did you explain that you cannot complete the task as it is beyond your scope and that you would ask her brother to take care of this?

She seemed in this instance to be calm and asked you nicely... and then she went ballastic when it you didn't. I will never condone any verbal abuse from one spouse to another as it is a destructive form of communication and there is no justification for it. She seems very short tempered and something she needs to work upon...and perhaps look within yourself if this instance of inattentiveness is more common than you thought?

just a thought...


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## dudeman1 (Sep 13, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> Ok now you only sound more like me. You work 24 hour shift? You gotta be a FF or Paramedic like me to work that kind of shift.
> 
> I wish i knew a magic word to help you dude but I don't. I went through the same kind of stuff but some how knew she would eventually wake up. She did rather suddenly pull a 180 on me and that was 25 years ago. Things have been great between us ever since. Like I said wish I could do something to help you but it was something she had to come to on her own. If she hadn't it wouldn't have been genuine and wouldn't have stuck.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the advice and hope. I hope it doesn't take long. This crap has been going on for years. Lately though she seems to break through the clouds and see some light. But this one had me starting to pack bags, but there is no way I'm leaving my house. My work is stressful enough w/o getting phone calls like that.

@RoseRed
She is very high on my priority list. I get 97% of her requests filled. I get distracted on other tasks she gives me. Like a damn grocery list of crap I have to do, while she does nothing. I work my ass off to make her happy. I'm pretty sure she knows, since during our good patches, she acknowledges it. I love seeing her smile, but her words can cut deeper than I ever thought possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dudeman1 (Sep 13, 2011)

@RoseRed
I do not think it came across to her as copping out. She needed the thing done, and since she needed it then and I was at work till the next day. I tried telling her that I cannot do it since I was at work and she needed it then, but I would have her brother do it so she can use it. That's when it hit the proverbial fan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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