# New romantic feelings causing turmoil



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Is anyone else struggling with opposite sex friendships? I have a long distance friendship with a guy who is also going through the end of a marriage, though he has divorced and is a bit further along than I am. We talk often and support each other in a way I haven't experienced with anyone else in my life.

I really like him, and I'm told the feeling is mutual, but distance and other factors conspire to keep us from getting together. He is starting to date and actively seek out women. Though he is sensitive to the fact that it is hard for me, I find it difficult to really be there for him when I am constantly reminded that soon he will be with someone new.

I never expected to develop feelings, and this whole situation makes me wonder if I will ever be able to just like a guy without getting attached. Any advice welcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Nope. I have a guy friend and we go out to eat and kayak and to movies and sometimes we walk around after having dinner. On average we get together every 10 days and communicate on average every 5 or so. We enjoy our social time together, I think he's cute and he thinks I'm hot but there is a really good level of communication. I met him through my former boyfriend who had a brain hemorrhage. They were kayak pals. Not real close but had known each other for some years. But for various reasons it wouldn't be cool to date and in any case I have a boyfriend these days I am happy with, who is aware of this friendship and a few others as well as my various dance pals who are of course guys because when I dance I dance with guys, lol.

I'm Quaker and to me each relationship has a special give and take and its own life span which may be lifelong or in passing. I don't think overthinking a relationship is a good idea. It just is. Why try to be impatient or insecure in it and then ruin what it is or could be by trying to stuff it into some kind of category that defines the interactions. Let it be what it needs to be. I do think that a relationship that has a physically intimate connection deserves special attention and protection from both parties but other than that is not really so different than any other friendship/partnership. I have women friends I have been friends with for so long that it's like a sort of marriage due to the commitment. But the commitment has developed over time. I think it's easy to get bent out of shape in an opposite sex friendship if you haven't been honest with yourself about why you're in it and whether you are pushing the limits of the relationship trying to get something out of it that you maybe should be dealing with on your own. For instance, I'm careful about going out with my guy friend too often, and I give him a lot of leeway on stuff he has to deal with in his personal life. It's not my place to be over-supporting him with some of the issues that he has to own for himself. I have my own stuff to deal with! I also stopped seeing a guy friend for a period of time because I felt vulnerable, and I told him so. He was okay with it, no biggie. I'll see him when I see him, when the time is right again. 

I've made an offer of friendship to a guy here on TAM and it's just that, an offer of friendship. Long-distance relationships have limits. But you should not rely on long-distance to be the only limit, you still have to practice good boundaries and maintain the important friendship in a manner that is going to sustain it, even when the both of you have relationships. Think of it this way, when you start a new relationship locally with someone you can be with in person, of course there are going to be some issues you'll have due to feeling vulnerable, etc. Wouldn't you like to have a guy friend or two that you can rely on to just remind you of who you are and how good of a friend you are, etc. to shore you up? Well, if you allow yourself to develop silly and pointless romantic inclinations about your guy friends, you'll be cheating yourself out of that. Of course it's one of the benefits of opposite sex friendships, lol. It would be dumb if you weren't attracted to each other on some level, but the point is a sort of brotherhood/be your brother's keeper, be the voice of reason, the person who can ask the tough questions, to keep you from settling. NOT the person to add more angst to your life, or you to his.

I came across a book called "Listen with Your Heart" by Eileen Flanagan. It talks about relationships and also about the art of turning alone time into solitude, which is different. In truth, even in relationships you will be alone. You have to be alone, it's a requirement of being human. The point of friendships, even opposite sex friendships, is to have someone who recognizes the value you bring to the world by being you, uniquely. In order to have that, you need to be uncensored, and the minute you go developing feelings that you don't discuss with him and resolve, you start censoring, and you remove your true self from the relationship. In this respect, an opposite sex friendship can be a great training ground or comparison for how it should basically feel to be in a romantic relationship. If your romantic relationship is way different than a friendship with opposite sex, you're likely treading on shaky ground, or way too far above it, lol.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I completely understand how you are feeling, and I think it is normal. Everything is just still so raw right now and every feeling is amplified 100 times. I hope it is just part of the process. I think what we are feeling is along the lines of what an emotional affair must feel like, without having to feel guilt.


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