# I feel raw and have to be nice?



## Jacked (May 21, 2012)

This is a re-post from the wrong section of the forum (ladies corner, or something like that.) Sorry for the newbie mess-ups. 

OK, now that I've realized (for the final time) that he will never change, he is an emotional abuser/neglecter (of me, not really the kids), I've asked him to move out. But he is still the father of my children and although I don't ever want to see him again, I have to. 

Since then, he has been trying to smile (actually making eye contact) and be charming (OMG he is charming when he wants to be, sigh...), but I can't smile back. He has never been a friend to me. In fact, he has been the enemy that i tried to "forgive" and be patient with, even though, because of him, I lost my own family and a dear friend through his influence on them. He has been avoiding and resentful for most of our marriage. And except for my children, I am alone now. 

How can I smile back? How should I treat this man who has proven himself an enemy to my happiness? He has been good to the kids, but because of their young age, they don't need much but wrestling and tickling. When they do, will they be hurt too? I still love him like a fool, but can't accept how he treats me anymore. So, how should I treat him? How should I feel? How can I protect my babies? How can I protect myself without putting the kids in the middle?

I want to scream at him that he has put me through h***. What is the protocol when its still so raw?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

First let me welcome you here...you will find in this section that you are not at all alone in your feelings or situation.

I understand feeling love and overwhelming resentment for your H very well, and I feel for what you are going through. Your feelings are valid.

Thee are a lot of questions here, so this will just be a start, but first, take a few slow, deep breaths (in through the nose, out through the mouth) before you see him, talk to him, or even think about hum. The purpose of this is to clear your mind and help you to stay calm.

Next, keep in kind that there is no law stating you have to smile back. Not when this is so fresh. For the sake of the kids, however, you goal should be to stay civil. When he turns on the charm, tell yourself it is a fake mask he is putting on. Ignore it. Say only what you need to say about the kids and walk away. For now, focus on learning to manage your anger (taking it out on the treadmill, for instance) and learning to stay calm in the face of a loser like our stbxh's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

What myself said...

Forget smiling. No need to smile. You do need to be civil, but this is one of those times when you need to take care of YOU, not him.

Warning, at some point he'll try to cajole you, "oh, hey baby, lighten up, why so angry?"

You don't need to respond at all. Just keep on topic and stop putting pressure on yourself to conform to some imaginary standard of how it's ok for you to act.

Hard times for you, I'm sorry. Please keep posting, lots of good folk here.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

You are sounding like a victim. Stop that. You are strong and nothing anyone else says can hurt you unless you allow it. As far as how you should treat him, treat him very well. Pray for him and wish him the best life possible. Whether you smile or not is your choice but do be civil. Work on yourself and live your own successful life independant of him. That is the best revenge IMHO.


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## Jacked (May 21, 2012)

All of you have great points.

Its very hard not to be a victim when you are still in love. I've practiced the 180 thing, studied the "battered wife syndrome", prayed and cried, and I still want to scratch his eyes out. For the first time in 13 years (this weekend) I feel that he will never put me on the bottom of his shoe again. But I also feel the hatred eating me up. But I'm afraid that if I find "peace" I'll lose my ability to begin the "unlove" process, whatever that may be. This topic is in another post, so, you can go to the original post, because people have continued to post on it, but if he is nice, I'll melt. I don't want him to be mean, and yet, I would prefer it instead of how he is acting now; genuinely sad. But I can't let myself fall for it. He has proven how he really feels time and time again. Ugh. I hate this.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Jacked,
You need to improve your self-esteem. Your feelings depend on what your partner does or how he acts. That is not healthy. Your feelings of happiness etc, come from within you and not from the external environment. External things may cause a happy or sad etc. response in you but they do NOT define who you are at the core. It sounds like you have given your power over to your partner who abuses you and takes you for granted. Stop this, work on your self-esteem, and you will find happiness.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Jacked,

I went to Co-parenting counseling with my ex for a while. It was really helpful for me (for a while) because I tend to get "walked on" by my ex a lot. For some reason, my ex doesn't hear me or believe me when I tell him he is making unreasonable demands or if he is just generally being a poop-head. 

The co-parenting counselor got him to see how poopy he was being...and it helped a little. She also helped us create some boundaries. Because of her guidance, we stopped communicating with each other unless it was about our son. (...and we only communicate via text or email). We had been going out to eat once a week "as a family" to touch base. But, she recommended that we stop that. My ex was no longer allowed in my house.

It was hard advice, but it was good advice. Perhaps in a couple of years, we will be able to go out to eat or go to a social function that the other one is attending...but, not right now. 

Try to create some boundaries for yourself. I used to be like that too---if my ex just treated me decently, I would melt and do anything for him. You have to stop that and distance yourself. Eventually, it will get easier if you create some boundaries and distance yourself. Don't look at him in the eye, and don't engage him in small talk.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

....also, when I would see my ex, I would visualize a steel wall in the front of my forehead. I would visualize this steel wall, and every time he would talk to me I would imagine that his words would just "bounce" off that wall, go "plink!" and shatter onto the ground.

...and I would repeat the following statement before every encounter, "Your words will not penetrate me. Your words will not make it into my brain. I will see right through you".

I don't know...it probably sounds lame...but, it really helped me. I focused on trying not to let thoughts of him inside my brain....otherwise I would go crazy.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Jpr, it is not lame at all. I have tried the "plink" method on your suggestion and love it. You are my hero 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jacked, 

The feelings of anger and hurt will cause you problems in life. Thy will eat you up inside and make you bitter. These negative feels can even make you physically and mentally ill.

The reason you need to be "nice" is for yourself and your children. You need to find a way to let go of bad feelings so that you can get to a point that you are in a better place mentally.

"Hatrid/anger are like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

The best revenge is to live happy and well.


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## Jacked (May 21, 2012)

Ugh, I think today was a mistake, but I held my ground.

He had been promising to send money and hadn't, so I finally told him we were going out and needed it. He invited himself along and I allowed that because he works out of town, is gone so long, and rarely sees the kids. But I think that was still a mistake. Our separation is so new, and he went out of town directly after I told him to move out, and didn't come back only because his work was keeping him. But he is back, sort of, (long story), and I agreed to let him come. But no more.

Whenever he tried to talk to me, I wasn't mean, I simply ignored him to avoid unnecessary conversation. Sometimes he laughed when I wouldn't look at him or return conversation, as if to say, "You're still upset? You've got to be kidding. Come on!" Other times he would get frustrated and go silent. We all had a lovely day, but I hated the fact that if he didn't act like such a jack-ss, we could all be really happy and enjoy days like this for real. 

On the way home, he laughed and acted playful in trying to get me to talk to him. All I could say was, "Do you honestly think this is some kind of joke?"

He didn't say anything to me directly for the rest of the evening until he left. Boy, is my head swimming.


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