# I hate him and love him at the same time.



## BrokenAndShattered (Mar 7, 2014)

My husband and I have been married only two years. After we got married, he started changing his behavior. He started calling me very vulgar names, he started blaming me for his weight gain because of the way I cooked, he always compared me to his ex-girlfriend and told me how she did things better than I did, he started mentioning to me how marriage was only a piece of paper and how he just did it to make me happy. He has demeaned me about just about everything. He blames me for my ex-boyfriend cheating on me. He has never been able to cut the umbilical cord from his mother. She is alone and depressed and constantly makes him feel guilty for marrying me and leaving her alone. She always acted like she cared about me but then talked so badly about me behind my back to my husband. He always took up for her and told me, "Oh she is just old and alone. You need to understand that." My husband started showing anger issues and during fights would sometimes put holes in the walls and doors. It got to the point that every single fight we got into, he would threaten to leave and divorce me, all while telling me how I ruined his life. Well, I'm a fixer. I would run after him and beg him and cry to him that we should work things out and sometimes, I would even take his keys or block the door and beg him not to leave. I know that this was very very wrong of me to do. I should have given him the space he needed, but I have attachment issues obviously and was afraid of him leaving me. 

About a year ago, we were just hanging out and he said that I had a bigger appetite than normal and asked me if I was pregnant. I told him that I did not think I was pregnant and that I was just eating more because it was around the winter time and I have increased appetite in the winter. He says, "Well if you were pregnant, it would not be mine because I pull out." This obviously hurt me and offended me because he was basically accusing me of possibly cheating and I have been the most devoted wife possible. We started arguing and once again he threatened divorce and told me how horrible I was and started to pack his bag to leave. Usually, I would run after him but on this day I was so upset that I told him, "Fine, then just leave." Right before he walked out the door, he came back downstairs and asked me to give him his mom's debit card. I had her card because I promised her I would do her Christmas shopping for her since she had recently broken her leg. I told him that I wanted to fulfill my obligation to her and that I would give her the card myself. He got angry and lunged on top of me trying to get to my purse. I could not get him off of me so I bit him on his arm. He then got up and kicked me on my leg. I ran upstairs crying and called my dad and said I should call the police. Well my husband heard this and called the police himself (not sure why to this day). When the police arrived, they arrested him because I had visible scratches on my chest and a bruise on my leg where he kicked me. I thought I was going to jail also because I had bitten him but the police officer told me, "If someone was on top of me and I could not get them off, I would have done the same thing."

Ever since that happened, things between my husband and I were never the same. He had never been in trouble with the law before and was terrified of losing his job and rights to his son in Florida. Under the terms of his probation, he was not to be violent toward me or else he could land a felony so he lived in fear every day. At first he was very apologetic but after awhile he would basically blame me for the whole ordeal, saying that if I would have just given him the debit card none of it would have happened. He took all blame away from himself. Once when we got into an argument, he called his ex-girlfriend in front of me and was texing her. 

Fast forward to about a week before this past Valentine's Day. We were doing better...we had been going to counseling and working through some issues. One day we were cuddling in bed together and everything was fine and he started complaining about his back pain. I asked him if there was anything I could do. He told me, "no." He told me that he was really feeling down. I said to him, "When you feel down, I feel down too." I guess he took that negatively and blamed me for making him feel guilty. I told him that I didn't mean what I said in that way and I was just saying that I didn't like when he felt down. It was too late though. He was already walking out the door. I called him a few times and he ignored my call. He finally answers and before I knew it we were arguing and he was telling me he wanted a divorce. I told him that I wanted the house key if he was leaving me. He said, "It's marital property. I can come and go as I please." I was angry at this point and said, "Well in that case, would it be fair if I spent all your money just because it is marital property?" Now granted, I know that I just stooped down to his level and that was wrong of me but I was so fed up. He started to get angrier and he again started telling me how he was going to divorce me and how horrible I was. I can admit when I am wrong so let me just say, the thing I said to him next was the worst thing I've ever done in our marriage. I said to him, "Maybe I should just call the police so they can put you back in jail." Now I would never have actually called the police but at that moment, I wanted him to feel scared and angry..the same way that I felt every single time that he threatened to leave. It was so horribly wrong of me to do this. I completely own what I did. I just knew that was the only thing I could say to make him feel something. 

He hung up on me and didn't talk to me for two days. He went to stay with a friend. He finally talks to me a couple of days later because I kept apologizing profusely and asking for his forgiveness. He told me that he needed space but that he would eventually come home. I didn't hear from him for another few days. I pleaded with him on email (because that was the only way I could reach him) to talk to me. He finally calls me on Valentine's Day to say that he was going to divorce me and file on that following Monday. About a week later, he talks with me again. I'm distraught at this point. I suggest having a legal separation and working on ourselves and live separately to see if we could ever work things out in the future. He said he would be open to this. Another week went by and he wouldn't talk to me. He finally talks to me again and when I brought up the legal separation he said that I needed to move on and that he only agreed to it for the sake of financial purposes, meaning I would have financial support and some of his 401k. I told him I didn't care about his 401k. About a week later, we talked again and he completely denied even agreeing to a legal separation at all! I was mindblown by this. He hung up on me and before I knew it he had filed for divorce. Our court date is at the end of the month, three days before our wedding anniversary. 

He still won't talk to me, except for communication by email. Sometimes he won't even respond to my emails. He refuses to discuss anything except for the bills. He has completely emotionally detached from me. 

I don't know how to move on. I know I have my own issues. I have attachment issues and I obviously don't love myself enough to not be co-dependent. I'm going to a counselor 2-3 times a month and surrounding myself with positive people. I'm dying inside though. I wrote him a four page typed letter the other day and he responded saying that the letter made him cry and that he loves me but he is making the right choice. 

I am so scared and I feel so defeated. I've never loved anyone as much as I loved him. I just don't know where to go from here.


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## TeaTree (Mar 6, 2014)

First of all, it is easy for anyone who is not in your shoes to tell you what you should and shouldn't be doing. That being said, you need to get away from that jerk! He has his own issues he needs to work on before he can ever effectively communicate with you or anyone else. 

There is someone out there who is willing and eager to appreciate you for who you are. You are obviously eager to ease his pain in any way you can, but the only thing you can do for him is to let him go so that he can discover himself. No more apologizing, no more begging, no more anything. Let your letter that made him cry be the last thing he remembers of you. Don't let him control you by laying a guilt trip on you. You can't control his actions, you can only control yours. You need to say that to yourself over, and over, and over...

You can continue to love him, but if you ever hope for your relationship with him to change and grow you need to be willing to let him go. If not, he will just continue to walk all over you, knowing that he can do whatever he wants and you will always take him back. 

These things take time. Trust me, I wouldn't be up at 2:30am stalking this website for answers if my life were cake right now. Take the time you need. It will be he!!, and I won't say you will be better off because I don't know. But you will start to see things in a new light. 

Best of luck to you.


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## BrokenAndShattered (Mar 7, 2014)

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thread. I know it was long-winded. I really appreciate the sound advice. The more that time passes, the more I realize that the demise of our marriage was not my fault only. I also realize that at this point in his life, he is not willing to accept any fault whatsoever. His mother always instills in him that it is everyone else and not him, hence why he is so comfortable being with her and taking her advice. 

He recently told me that the wedding ring he bought me put him into debt. I will never understand why he wants to hurt me so much with the things he tells me but claims he loves me. That is the most puzzling thing to me. 

His birthday is tomorrow and I will be going out with friends and staying busy all day so that I don't get tempted to wish him a Happy Birthday. I think you are right about letting the letter I wrote him to be the last thing he remembers. Thank you so much.


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## TeaTree (Mar 6, 2014)

BrokenAndShattered said:


> He recently told me that the wedding ring he bought me put him into debt. I will never understand why he wants to hurt me so much with the things he tells me but claims he loves me. That is the most puzzling thing to me.



That is him trying to put more guilt on you. Don't take it!! He may still love you, but you don't have to let him convince you that you're doing anything wrong. You don't deserve it. He is trying to control your emotions. The ring was a gift. He made a choice to give it to you which ultimately put him in debt. That is a choice he made. I made the same choice. You have no reason to feel any sort obligation toward his debt. Stay strong. He'll come crawling back (just my thought, but only if you remain confident). And if he doesn't, so be it. 

Again, all things that are easier said than done... Good luck.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Broken Shattered, as the previous responders stated its easy to read your thread and give you all the answers that will somehow make this better.

Th truth is the only way for you to be better is to purge him slowy out your system. There is no possible way that you can be ok with the way he treats you? and to behonest this isnt even about Him. Its all about YOU. Reguardless of your circumstances the only thing you should concern yourself with is how YOU are going to heal from this.

What you where going through is emotionally draining and it takes a toll on you mentally and physically. Im truly sorry that this is happening but it may be a blessing in disguise and you are going to have to dig deep within your depths to really see that this whole time YOU needed to take care of yourself. You where not happy.

It sucks when the a-hole leaves becuase you put up with so much. but he did you a huge favor, becuase you would have sat there and continued to endure this for who knows how long.

If he wants to go...let it be. and be a peace with that. The folllowing weeks and month will be touch and up and down but you will get through it, the less you contact him the more at peace you will be.

He is on defense mode right now riddled with guilty so any attempts at alking... emailing...will only make him more defensive and you will be the enemy.

What you thought you knew, is no more and you have a future ahead of you that you can frame in anyway you like!

Its probaly not what you want to hear and maybe your husband will change your mind.. but you have to be strong enough to choose wisely.

Keep posting and get those feelings out of your head!

You will be fine!

XoXo


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You are being emotionally and verbally abused. 

Why would you want to stay with somebody who talks to you like that? What in you would allow you to put up with that kind of abuse? 

a good place to start might be to read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Also, no more letters. Cut contact with this man and start working what people here call a 180. What that is about is working on yourself first and foremost. If you are codependent and needy, then it is about working on healthy boundaries with everybody in your life. And in this case, a healthy boundary is to stop chasing that man, stop begging him to listen to you, to acknowledge you, to treat your well, or to do anything at all. But it deals with other people too.

If you are out of shape, get a gym. If you have been working too much; get some hobbies. If you have been out of work, start looking for a job. If you have been out of touch with friends, start making some. If you are caretaking people, learning to stop trying to fix things and control things. 

Stop writing letters. Stop calling. Stop texting. Stop all contact with your abusive husband. Go 180. That will be the first step to really starting to love yourself.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You should let him proceed with the divorce, or better yet, file yourself. I dont mean to seem harsh, but you are in a VERY unhealthy relationship with a VERY immature person.

Move on and get the counseling you need to deal with your own codependency and attachment issues. When you get that sorted out, THEN you can think about finding someone who treats you well, and you will stop choosing men who are bad for you. IMHO your husband is very bad for you.


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## BrokenAndShattered (Mar 7, 2014)

Thank you all for your responses. Since my original thread, a lot has happened. I've refrained from talking with him about emotions completely. I wanted to text or call him on his birthday to tell him Happy Birthday but I didn't. Instead, I went out with friends. I only talk with him about bills and other important issues that are necessary. I've since hired an attorney to help me with his divorce complaint. Lately I've been feeling less sad and more angry. I know this is normal to go through many different feelings about this. I just find myself very angry when I think about our relationship from start to finish. I find myself very angry about the way he treated me throughout the relationship. I only mentioned half of the things in my thread, there was just so much more. I am learning to find more happiness every day in myself and in my son. My son keeps me grounded and he helps me to see that my life is not so bad. I am far better off without my ex, as everyone tells me. I am done being his scapegoat and his doormat and his punching bag. I am actually looking forward to getting divorced from him and moving forward with my life in a more positive manner. In the long run, I'll be better off than he will ever be.


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