# Dating after Divorce - how soon to tell the kids?



## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Hello all,

I am new to the Life After Divorce section of TAM. After discovering my husband's serial infidelity in August 2012, I spent a lot of time on the CWI section of this site looking for guidance and hoping for reconciliation. 

After a year of separation, I decided my ex would never change his ways (sex addict, porn addict, serial cheater) and filed for divorce. My marriage was a lonely place and I only stayed as long as I did for my 2 kids (D-14 , S 9). My divorce was final a few weeks ago.

While separated, I met a very nice divorced man at my church and we became friends, meeting for coffee and occasional dinners. I was not looking to meet anyone and had no intention of dating until my divorce was final, but we grew very close and I began developing feelings for him. *After* I filed for divorce, we began casually dating a few months ago. He is a wonderful man and I care about him very much, but I have not told my children about him yet. They are still working through their feelings from the divorce and I don't feel that I should add to their burden. 

The problem is this: I don't feel like I'm being honest with my kids. I don't intend to live with this man or ask my children to spend time with him since I would only do that if I were 100% serious about someone. But my question is.... how soon is too soon to tell your kids that you're dating again?

Thanks very much for any feedback! I know there's no perfect answer and we're all doing the best we can in difficult situations.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As a rule, almost immediately! If you didn't bother to disclose to them, how would you feel if they found out about it from another source?

Another question to consider is that if your STBXH ever finds out about your pre-divorce dating, it could well weaken any existing case against him with some family court judges. Are you prepared for that?*


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Arbitrator,

Thank you for the feedback. My ex won't be an issue. We actually have a very amicable dissolution and I have so much evidence of his multiple affairs that I don't believe I am in danger of any repercussions from his end. We've been able to develop a good co-parenting relationship and are on friendly terms.

I'm mostly considered about my kids feeling like their dad is being replaced (which is NOT the case). But I think you're right, I don't want to do things behind their backs.

Thank you for the input!


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Punkinhead, I think it is fair to tell them immediately that you are dating. You do not have to say who you are, but they should know that you are going out and enjoying yourself. 

You sound like you are a in a good place. Congratulations!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

My mind is made up. I'm going to sit them down tonight and tell them that I'm beginning to date again and that they do not need to feel threatened by it. I have no intention of ever remarrying, but I enjoy having a companion to spend adult time with. 

When and if the time comes to include him in family-type activities, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I have no intention of dragging a series of men into my kids' lives, so I would have to be 100% committed and serious before I would introduce him into my kids' lives.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think kids can know at any point that you date. Since you met him at church, I assume they already know of him even if they haven't officially met him? Perhaps the best way for them to all meet when the time is right is a church picnic or some type of church event where everyone is there vs. "invite him over to introduce to the kids" which is awkward.

Good luck!


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Do your children know that you are hanging out with him? It is ok to refer to him as your "friend". You already stated that you aren't "100% serious" about him yet. You're not being dishonest with your kids just because you do not share every feeling you have for this man. I am assuming that you didn't share every detail of your husband's indiscretions that led to divorce either. Is that being dishonest? No, it's being discerning. You are the best person to be know when your children and discern when the time is right.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your replies. I told my kids and they were very supportive and told me they want me to be happy. They've been through so much; I just didn't want to add to their sadness. but I'm optimistic that we're all on the road to recovery!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

punkinhead said:


> Arbitrator,
> 
> Thank you for the feedback. My ex won't be an issue. We actually have a very amicable dissolution and I have so much evidence of his multiple affairs that I don't believe I am in danger of any repercussions from his end. We've been able to develop a good co-parenting relationship and are on friendly terms.
> 
> ...


*Punkinhead: I'm so very happy and thrilled for your situation. But do keep in mind that yours is truly the exception rather than the rule.

In that event, you could let anyone, including the kids, know that you're now spreading your wings on the dating scene.

Best of luck to you and to your entire family!*


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