# Should I move back in??



## sidewayz (Apr 2, 2010)

Well I am new on here and have been lurking for a few days now and feel like I have to tell my stories in order to get some thoughts/ideas. It is so crazy how many people are going through the same thing that me and my husband are going through. To start out, we were high school sweethearts...together for 20 years, married for 10, and have 2 kids. According to this website, i would label him as a selfish control-freak who basically took everything away from me. Well about a year ago, i started having an affair. It last about 7 months until we got caught. At this point it is over, but the damage in my marriage is not. There were years of a loveless marriage before the affair, of me being miserable and hanging in there for the kids in fear of hurting him. So once it came out, I moved out, and still after 3 months, going through the 'I'm not sure what I want' stage. We have gone to marriage counseling and tried to be friends, but the problem is that he pretty much has hounded me this entire time. There has probably been about a week total that he has not brought it up or wanted to talk about it. The thousands of texts, emails and phone calls have not helped....and yes i guess i should have stopped them by not responding, but again, it was the control he had over me. Now basically he is at the point of giving me an ultimatum....either I move back in to see how he has changed or its over. He doesn't want to work it slow..doesn't want to date and start fresh...he says i have had enough time to "find myself". So not sure what to do. I feel like I don't want to lead him on, or put the kids through the false hope, but I also don't want to look back and say I didn't try everything. And then again, I don't want to be back in the house and be stressed every day. Its like when I go in there, i have an empty feeling in my stomach. I just don't understand why....Its hard to explain the feeling. I know its hard for him to understand when I can't even explain why either???


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Are you sure your not going through a mid life crisis ? It sounds like you had issues before the affair that wasn't brought up. I can understand why he might be hounding you (however might not be the best way to go about it). 

He might of not known there were issues going on within you , less you spoken them out loud. For all he might know is " everything is ok , everything is ok , wow my wife has been having an affair...." You say your miserable but honestly he probably wasn't the happiest either but he chose a different route. He probably just wants his wife back. I am quite sure his heart has been scared pretty badly. 

First and foremost I think you need to decide what you want 100% before you even think about putting your children or your husband back through it all. 

And my last thought : No one single person other than yourself can make you feel happy. If you have all the good things in life but are miserable the problem probably lies within yourself.


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## sidewayz (Apr 2, 2010)

Not really sure if mid life crisis is what you would call it, but possibly. Right now my life revolves around my kids and doing stuff with them. I have been content being by myself and don't find myself thinking about him at all. I'm not going out or playing around...I guess I'm trying to get over the guild and like you said, be happy with myself. 

We have had issues in the past and told him that we needed to go to a counselor for years, but never wanted to cuz always thought we could work them out ourselves. Just until this happened is when he agreed to go. Now I need to go for myself and not us I know. 

I guess one of the issues I'm having is that I'm not 100 percent ready to go back and don't think I would be fully there in my heart and mind to work on us. I just can't get him to understand that. I know he is scarred and I do feel bad and guilty cuz ge wants to show me how he has changed. I feel like he can show me in other ways like when we are together or on the phone when we talk and why is he only willing to do it if I move back in full time?

Thanks for the reply. Its good to hear other peoples opinions that don't know us and can give good advice as to being happy with myself. Cuz if you ask that right now, I don't know. I have been labeled as being co-dependent and have been hiding behind him for so long. I just don't want to hurt him or the kids anymore then what I have already done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well your reply is stretched out a bit. If you don't think about him and his needs ( vice versa with him) then he doesn't truly need you. From what you say he seems like he wants you and wants to make you happy. That is only half a relationship. 

I think you need a counselor for you and a counselor for you two. 

As I said you need to find out what you want out of life. He obviously wants his wife back. True you nor he will ever be the same. Things can not go back to how they were. But it seems he is giving you an oppurtunity at something totally new.


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