# Hi, New Here- My Story



## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Hi,
I'm new here and still can't believe this is happening (I'm sure many feel this way).

My story- Married for 22 years and thought we had a fantastic marriage. Seriously. Anywho, husband turned 50 (always worked out but started lifting weights like crazy) and it seems that he is in a (I guess sort of) EA with a 20 year old girl. I say sort of b/c I saw their texts and it seems way more one sided on his part. (I'll explain later). I had suspicions of a strange situation as he has his own business and this girl has been "working with him" on a commission situation. His business is night/weekend but he was spending very late nights once a week with this girl "training" her for months. I asked about it as I thought this was all weird and he laughed saying she was just a kid. I never had reason to doubt him before so I went with it.

Fast forward-- I saw his phone and couldn't help myself but to see his texts with her. I was shocked...he was expressing his love and need for her-- how he dreams about her etc... Seems I am holding him back or some crap like that. Interestingly enough, this girl takes a while to text him back and is very non committal. It doesn't seem as if she is interested in him romantically. No romantic feelings expressed by her at all. My feeling is she likes him as a person and likes the commission money she is getting for not doing very much. I confronted my husband and at first he lied but as I read the texts out loud he had to concede that he has feelings for this girl. He admits that she doesn't seem overly into him. Said she is more like a fantasy. However he is unwilling to not have her "work" with him or not see her. I sent the girl a message (not angry or mean) just saying that I know and I saw the texts and that I told my husband he is free to go. She said that she doesn't think anything is actually going to happen and nothing ever has and that she never wanted this. I told her that based on the texts I believe her.

Husband left and got his own apartment (which I helped him find). My guess is now that he is "free" he is going to pursue this girl hard. Again, reading the texts (from when he last left) she is still very non committal (2 sentence responses and takes a while to respond) I mean I have to assume that when he sees her she is flirting or giving him something. I mean this is strange. I have thought in retrospect and I seriously did not see changes in our marriage -we still got along great and had fun together, had sex regularly, hugged/kissed every morning. I am totally blindsided. 

Finality, he says he still loves me and wants to be "great friends". I told him I have no interest in being friends (and I don't). It's like he has gone through some midlife insanity and I woke up in the twilight zone. I have put in as much of the no contact as possible w/ the 180 when I have to deal with him (we have a son and I do some work for the business- which we need for support). I have gotten an additional job and am doing my best to gal. 

I guess any insight or comments are appreciated. I still don't know wth happened. Thanks for listening.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I'm impressed, he crossed a line and you laid down the law and followed through. I foresee a lot of regret and pain for him in the near future when his fantasy crashes and he comes back to earth. Sorry you are in the situation.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

If he owns a business and is going hard after this poor girl that’s sexual harassment. She’s looking for a job and he’s pressuring her. He better hope she doesn’t sue him.

Good for you on telling him you don’t want to be friends. He’s just trying to relieve his guilt and keep you on the back burner.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I'm impressed, he crossed a line and you laid down the law and followed through. I foresee a lot of regret and pain for him in the near future when his fantasy crashes and he comes back to earth. Sorry you are in the situation.


Wow, thank you so much for weighing in. I am so grateful for the support as I feel pretty lost. I found out on 3/5 and he moved out this past Friday night. He already seems miserable with his living situation (he came in to get remainder of his stuff and pick up his son to spend time with him). However he has expressed no remorse for the sort of EA and I still think he wants to try with this girl. I wonder how long a girl can string a guy along for before they get the picture. Ugh,the places you never thought you would be in your life. Thank you again!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> Hi,
> I'm new here and still can't believe this is happening (I'm sure many feel this way).
> 
> My story- Married for 22 years and thought we had a fantastic marriage. Seriously. Anywho, husband turned 50 (always worked out but started lifting weights like crazy) and it seems that he is in a (I guess sort of) EA with a 20 year old girl. I say sort of b/c I saw their texts and it seems way more one sided on his part. (I'll explain later). I had suspicions of a strange situation as he has his own business and this girl has been "working with him" on a commission situation. His business is night/weekend but he was spending very late nights once a week with this girl "training" her for months. I asked about it as I thought this was all weird and he laughed saying she was just a kid. I never had reason to doubt him before so I went with it.
> ...


So sorry you had to find your way here @thissucks7788 

There's a lot of things in your post that indicate you are not fully aware of what's happening, but you ended up in the right place with this.

Your husband is a cheater and it's very likely this was a lot worse than you know about.
In any case, he is free to do what he wants now, so you can move forward.

Next up, consult with a lawyer.
File for divorce.

WH will likely freak out and try to come back to you... But I think you know the right answer there.

Do you have friends or family for emotional support?
Best of luck to you!


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> If he owns a business and is going hard after this poor girl that’s sexual harassment. She’s looking for a job and he’s pressuring her. He better hope she doesn’t sue him.
> 
> Good for you on telling him you don’t want to be friends. He’s just trying to relieve his guilt and keep you on the back burner.


I told him that he is putting his business and reputation in peril but it seems he is still moving forward. I mean this can't possibly have a good ending. I think this is a midlife crisis but either way it is so destructive and he is still responsible for his actions. I feel so crappy though...not sure what to do. Hope time will help. Thank you for responding!


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> So sorry you had to find your way here @thissucks7788
> 
> There's a lot of things in your post that indicate you are not fully aware of what's happening, but you ended up in the right place with this.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Yes, I do have family who have been supportive so I am lucky in that regard. I am looking into lawyers but feel so overwhelmed right now with such tremendous change. I went from I'm in a great solid marriage to my husband is having a mlc and moving out to attempt to have a relationship with a 20 year old (I mean, he's 50!) Talk about change. Trying to move forward as best as I can. Thank you again,


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

thissucks7788 said:


> Wow, thank you so much for weighing in. I am so grateful for the support as I feel pretty lost. I found out on 3/5 and he moved out this past Friday night. He already seems miserable with his living situation (he came in to get remainder of his stuff and pick up his son to spend time with him). However he has expressed no remorse for the sort of EA and I still think he wants to try with this girl. I wonder how long a girl can string a guy along for before they get the picture. Ugh,the places you never thought you would be in your life. Thank you again!


He is in a fog of stupidity. Talk to an attorney ASAP, figure out what information you need to gather and how you will go about dividing up the value of the business and other assets. 

It sounds like your husband is living in a delusional reality unless this girl is playing a game and playing innocent until his marriage is fully dead. In all likelihood she will be gone to new employment in a few months. You might want to have the current value of the business determined so you can see what you can do about protecting its current value. If he goes into a depression after this all falls apart he might run it into the ground.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> Thank you. Yes, I do have family who have been supportive so I am lucky in that regard. I am looking into lawyers but feel so overwhelmed right now with such tremendous change. I went from I'm in a great solid marriage to my husband is having a mlc and moving out to attempt to have a relationship with a 20 year old (I mean, he's 50!) Talk about change. Trying to move forward as best as I can. Thank you again,


You've been through a big shock...lots of them.

Important things as you go through this:
- Never blame yourself. He is a jerk who made a choice to go outside the marriage instead of talking to you. He owns that, no matter how things were before.
- Take care of yourself. Take special time to appreciate how strong you really are and how these storms will not get the best of you. It may not feel like it, but you really are doing great! Much better than a lot of people, myself included when this happened to me. Well done!
- Surround yourself with your very supportive family. Let them love you and help you.
- Be highly suspicious of everything he tells you going forward. He may lie, cheat, beg, etc and tell you anything to make his life not get disrupted. ESPECIALLY if the OW dumps him. Then look out, he will return in a flash with flowers and fancy words. beware.

Stay strong @thissucks7788 you're doing wonderful in a really really bad situation.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Regardless of whether he has found a willing partner in a 20 yr old girl he’s chasing like an idiot, even if he caught her it would end badly for him. The problem is he has shown you your value TO HIM. I’d see an attorney immediately and it would be a shark and I’d coldly divorce him and treat myself well in the divorce financially. You’d be very hard pressed not to find someone that treats you better than this guy.

I do find it weird that he’s willing to move out and isn’t having sex with someone. Usually losers like this monkey branch to someone else.

see an attorney. You need one.

oh, and in your case, I’d say there’s a 99% chance he will come back crying and pleading for you to take him back. He didn’t know what he was thinking, blah, blah, blah.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I can't express my appreciation to you guys for your support. It is interesting to see outside perspectives b/c sometimes it is so hard to see things clearly when you are the one in the situation.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I do find it weird that he’s willing to move out and isn’t having sex with someone.


I personally think this is highly unlikely based on his behavior and their discussions.
But at this point I guess it doesn't matter, the ball is rolling to get this wonderful lady out of a bad deal.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

thissucks7788 said:


> Wow, thank you so much for weighing in. I am so grateful for the support as I feel pretty lost. I found out on 3/5 and he moved out this past Friday night. He already seems miserable with his living situation (he came in to get remainder of his stuff and pick up his son to spend time with him). However he has expressed no remorse for the sort of EA and I still think he wants to try with this girl. I wonder how long a girl can string a guy along for before they get the picture. Ugh,the places you never thought you would be in your life. Thank you again!


you have to stop blaming this girl. SHE isn't the married one. SHE isn't the problem. Your fool ass husband who is chasing someone less than 1/2 his age is the problem. It's good you didn't let him stay but with this attitude you'll be right back where you started when he says oh I'm sorry she made me do it.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Regardless of whether he has found a willing partner in a 20 yr old girl he’s chasing like an idiot, even if he caught her it would end badly for him. The problem is he has shown you your value TO HIM. I’d see an attorney immediately and it would be a shark and I’d coldly divorce him and treat myself well in the divorce financially. You’d be very hard pressed not to find someone that treats you better than this guy.
> 
> I do find it weird that he’s willing to move out and isn’t having sex with someone. Usually losers like this monkey branch to someone else.
> 
> ...


I hear you about the sex thing. Maybe I am fooling myself but I don't think it has happened, but I am realistic enough to know that it is probably b/c she is keeping him at bay. I agree about showing my value to him...he has already wished for me to find a good guy (I mean that was fast!) Looks like attorney is the next step. Wish healing didn't take so darn long. Thanks for your support.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> you have to stop blaming this girl. SHE isn't the married one. SHE isn't the problem. Your fool ass husband who is chasing someone less than 1/2 his age is the problem. It's good you didn't let him stay but with this attitude you'll be right back where you started when he says oh I'm sorry she made me do it.


I agree, no blame for her. It's on him 100%.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Typical mid life male crisis. The exercise is a dead giveaway. Surprised he did not get a motorcycle. (Mine involved trading in the family van for a 2 door convertible-no affair). I still have not figured out how having a younger woman on your arm is a measure of your virility. I ask the same question over and over: The sex may be fantastic, but what the hell do you talk about after? Really? This attitude sprang from employing several men my age that had blown up their marriages for significantly younger women. One fellow took his MIL to live with them, and he admitted that his best conversations were with the MIL. (OK, maybe I view marriage as a meeting of the minds instead of bumping uglies)


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Taxman said:


> Typical mid life male crisis. The exercise is a dead giveaway. Surprised he did not get a motorcycle. (Mine involved trading in the family van for a 2 door convertible-no affair). I still have not figured out how having a younger woman on your arm is a measure of your virility. I ask the same question over and over: The sex may be fantastic, but what the hell do you talk about after? Really? This attitude sprang from employing several men my age that had blown up their marriages for significantly younger women. One fellow took his MIL to live with them, and he admitted that his best conversations were with the MIL. (OK, maybe I view marriage as a meeting of the minds instead of bumping uglies)


Lol, thank you for some levity (bumping uglies!) I agree with MLC and I have wondered the same thing... What do you talk about or have in common? I mean his son is only 5 years younger. Interesting about the guy with his MIL. I really appreciate this perspective!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> Hi,
> I'm new here and still can't believe this is happening (I'm sure many feel this way).
> 
> My story- Married for 22 years and thought we had a fantastic marriage. Seriously. Anywho, husband turned 50 (always worked out but started lifting weights like crazy) and it seems that he is in a (I guess sort of) EA with a 20 year old girl. I say sort of b/c I saw their texts and it seems way more one sided on his part. (I'll explain later). I had suspicions of a strange situation as he has his own business and this girl has been "working with him" on a commission situation. His business is night/weekend but he was spending very late nights once a week with this girl "training" her for months. I asked about it as I thought this was all weird and he laughed saying she was just a kid. I never had reason to doubt him before so I went with it.
> ...


Have you retained attorney to protect your rights and file for asset division, separation, divorce.

What happened is your husband went off rails with full midlife insanity. He wont awaken until his life is in total ruins. This girl is just trying to make a living, has no romantic interest in the old goat.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Even if she were interested in him, he's a big POS for being willing to disrupt her life by acting on his infatuation. She deserves infinitely more respect than being pursued by someone who will be 80 when she's 50 and just getting cranked up in life. In many ways, he's a predator. That's not someone to whom you should want to be married. You seem to have it together. That's fantastic.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I have to say that you have handled this like a boss. Continue the 180 and moving on with your life. He is going to be in for a rude awakening. That 20 year old girl is not going to want to be with a 50 year fool for long. It’s hard for a spouse to complete with a new relationship, especially an affair partner. Combine new wuv and the illicit nature of an affair and you have a serious addiction that is hard to compete with. And you shouldn’t have to complete for your spouse.

Btw, you are right that your husband is to blame for the affair but this young tart is not blameless. I’m tired of people giving a pass to the other person. She knows he is married yet is still entertaining him. Expose them both to their families.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I don’t have much to add but thought I’d ring in and say how awesome you are. You didn’t budge on your boundaries and helped him out the door. No matter how this turns out you are a winner in my book ❤


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BTW I'm not saying she is blameless. I was saying your ire needs to be directed at your husband. The tone of your posts is she's leading him on. She's stringing him along. All the while saying there was nothing in her texts.

She should leave him alone but she is also in a position of maybe losing her job if she does anything other than ignore him or give no committal responses. She may be reveling in this. But if your husband was abiding by his marriage vows it wouldn't matter what she was or was not doing.

If you fall into the thinking it's only because of her then when he decides to 'give up' on her you'll take him back. But she isn't the problem and he'll just move on to the next target that presents itself. 

None of that makes her innocent though so far you haven't said anything that she's actually done other than want to get paid for work.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Have you retained attorney to protect your rights and file for asset division, separation, divorce.
> 
> What happened is your husband went off rails with full midlife insanity. He wont awaken until his life is in total ruins. This girl is just trying to make a living, has no romantic interest in the old goat.


I 100 percent agree with you. He is def. on midlife crazy train. Attorney is next step on my list....researching now. Thank you and agree about her lack of interest and love "old goat".


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> I don’t have much to add but thought I’d ring in and say how awesome you are. You didn’t budge on your boundaries and helped him out the door. No matter how this turns out you are a winner in my book ❤


Omgosh, thank you so much! That makes me feel great and that feeling has been so hard to come by these days. I really appreciate you! xoxo


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> I have to say that you have handled this like a boss. Continue the 180 and moving on with your life. He is going to be in for a rude awakening. That 20 year old girl is not going to want to be with a 50 year fool for long. It’s hard for a spouse to complete with a new relationship, especially an affair partner. Combine new wuv and the illicit nature of an affair and you have a serious addiction that is hard to compete with. And you shouldn’t have to complete for your spouse.
> 
> Btw, you are right that your husband is to blame for the affair but this young tart is not blameless. I’m tired of people giving a pass to the other person. She knows he is married yet is still entertaining him. Expose them both to their families.


Fantastic perspective and insight. I appreciate the boss comment- I have been trying hard to be tough even though I feel like crap. I'm doing the fake it til you make it routine. Thank you!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Taxman said:


> Typical mid life male crisis. The exercise is a dead giveaway. Surprised he did not get a motorcycle. (Mine involved trading in the family van for a 2 door convertible-no affair). I still have not figured out how having a younger woman on your arm is a measure of your virility. I ask the same question over and over: The sex may be fantastic, but what the hell do you talk about after? Really? This attitude sprang from employing several men my age that had blown up their marriages for significantly younger women. One fellow took his MIL to live with them, and he admitted that his best conversations were with the MIL. (OK, maybe I view marriage as a meeting of the minds instead of bumping uglies)


Yeah, I don't get that either. In this case the age difference makes it like he is dating his daughter.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yeah, I don't get that either.


I get it  but he is an idiot.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm so sorry OP for what you're going through. You're stronger and tougher than like 90% of people going through this. Good for you for setting and sticking to boundaries. The reason he wants to be friends is he feels it absolves him from wrongdoing. My XH still wants us to act like we're friends around our son, but while I am civil always, I have no desire to hang out with our son together. We can do that separately. Maybe when you talk to a lawyer they can give you information about how to extract yourself from the business, or buy out your XH if that is what you want?


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

So happy I found this community!


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

joannacroc said:


> I'm so sorry OP for what you're going through. You're stronger and tougher than like 90% of people going through this. Good for you for setting and sticking to boundaries. The reason he wants to be friends is he feels it absolves him from wrongdoing. My XH still wants us to act like we're friends around our son, but while I am civil always, I have no desire to hang out with our son together. We can do that separately. Maybe when you talk to a lawyer they can give you information about how to extract yourself from the business, or buy out your XH if that is what you want?


Thank you for responding to my post. Yes, the friend thing is stupid-- I wondered if he thinks that will make him feel less guilty or maybe I won't come after him legally as hard. I let it be known though that I have no desire. I mean, what kind of friend would do this? With friends like this, who needs enemies?


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

You didn't deserve this and if it wasn't this 20 yr old, it would be a different one. What I've witnessed happen is when a guy in mid life starts realizing he is losing his youth, he will do anything to get some of that feeling back. Even when it looks ridiculous. They lose self-reflection. 
I've seen older guys in the office do just that. They chase younger women who have no interest in them but the women just giving them the time of day excites them. And the women are cool with it because they benefit in one way or another and they know there is no chance of anything happening.

Sorry this happened to you but you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. 

Good luck to you


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At some point, she’s probably going to be done (unless he’s throwing so much money at her that she can’t resist) and then he may try to come back to you. Don’t let that happen. You’ll never trust him again and you shouldn’t. This is your opportunity to move on. Take it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So refreshing to see someone that has some guts 💪🏼. You’re tougher than you know 👍


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that you've handled this like a boss. Even if he can ultimately convince a 20 year old little girl to screw a pathetic mlc having 50 year old it won't end well for him. If she has any interest it'll be while she can get something out of him and she'll still look at guys her own age. At the end of the day what does a creepy 50 year old offer her? He ain't rich and ain't fooling anyone...guaranteed he's got a much higher opinion of himself then anyone else does.

Get an attorney and file NOW while he's in the fog. If you wait for him to come out of it you may get a much bigger fight.

And let's see what happens when you do find a great guy....he might not be as happy for you as you think. The "great friends" thing is usually to keep you as a backup plan.

Whatever you do, absolutely do not let this scumbag come back. He's now shown you who he is.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree that you've handled this like a boss. Even if he can ultimately convince a 20 year old little girl to screw a pathetic mlc having 50 year old it won't end well for him. If she has any interest it'll be while she can get something out of him and she'll still look at guys her own age. At the end of the day what does a creepy 50 year old offer her? He ain't rich and ain't fooling anyone...guaranteed he's got a much higher opinion of himself then anyone else does.
> 
> Get an attorney and file NOW while he's in the fog. If you wait for him to come out of it you may get a much bigger fight.
> 
> ...


Good advice. I can't imagine why a 20 year old would be interested in a 50 year old or the other way around. But like I keep telling myself...it is what it is (but it sucks!) I agree that this won't end well for him but I can't help thinking about something someone else said on here, He has showed me my worth TO HIM. Such a hard blow. Also interesting about the backup plan. Thanks for your comments.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Mr Jim said:


> You didn't deserve this and if it wasn't this 20 yr old, it would be a different one. What I've witnessed happen is when a guy in mid life starts realizing he is losing his youth, he will do anything to get some of that feeling back. Even when it looks ridiculous. They lose self-reflection.
> I've seen older guys in the office do just that. They chase younger women who have no interest in them but the women just giving them the time of day excites them. And the women are cool with it because they benefit in one way or another and they know there is no chance of anything happening.
> 
> Sorry this happened to you but you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders.
> ...


I agree. Probably not a good move (but whatever) I initially told him he is making himself look like an old fool. I get it, we all don't love looking older but how is dating a 20 year old going to do it. I told him no matter how young the girl is....you are still 50.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> I agree. Probably not a good move (but whatever) I initially told him he is making himself look like an old fool. I get it, we all don't love looking older but how is dating a 20 year old going to do it. I told him no matter how young the girl is....you are still 50.


Ha ha. ’old fool’.  
let him have it! He deserves every bit of it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yeah, I don't get that either. In this case the age difference makes it like he is dating his daughter.


I found I also had difficulty watching a guy my age chase his toddler around (without having a heart attack). After all, at that age you should be chasing a grandchild (Taxman will become a grandpa this June) ANNNNNDDDD you look ridiculous, not virile.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Both genders can have a crisis. See @Arkansas story for example of wife going with guy 1/2 her age.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Taxman said:


> I found I also had difficulty watching a guy my age chase his toddler around (without having a heart attack). After all, at that age you should be chasing a grandchild (Taxman will become a grandpa this June) ANNNNNDDDD you look ridiculous, not virile.


Congrats Taxman on being a Grandpa soon!!!! Happy News!!!!


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Both genders can have a crisis. See @Arkansas story for example of wife going with guy 1/2 her age.


I'll check it out...thanks!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

thissucks7788 said:


> Hi,
> I'm new here and still can't believe this is happening (I'm sure many feel this way).
> 
> My story- Married for 22 years and thought we had a fantastic marriage. Seriously. Anywho, husband turned 50 (always worked out but started lifting weights like crazy) and it seems that he is in a (I guess sort of) EA with a 20 year old girl. I say sort of b/c I saw their texts and it seems way more one sided on his part. (I'll explain later). I had suspicions of a strange situation as he has his own business and this girl has been "working with him" on a commission situation. His business is night/weekend but he was spending very late nights once a week with this girl "training" her for months. I asked about it as I thought this was all weird and he laughed saying she was just a kid. I never had reason to doubt him before so I went with it.
> ...


Your husband is an old fool. That girl has no interest in him and could file charges on him for sexual harassment and might. She simply wants a job and this is what she's having to put up with. 

Glad you are cold-shouldering him for you and for him as well. He needs a dose of reality. At 50 he should be a little better in control of which brain guides his decisions!

Sounds like you need an attorney and will have a business to divide up, or he can pay you for your part of it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> I agree. Probably not a good move (but whatever) I initially told him he is making himself look like an old fool. I get it, we all don't love looking older but how is dating a 20 year old going to do it. I told him no matter how young the girl is....you are still 50.


He'll actually look thar much older next to a 20 year old.

I'm a 47 year old endurance athlete and I don't think it's a stretch to say I'm holding up quite well. Bur if you put me next to a really fit 20 year old I'm probably not going to win that battle 😅

But my sexy 56 year old bf is quite happy with what I offer so it's all a matter of perspective 😁


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If I were you, I'd be talking to an attorney because she could sue him over this and lose a chunk of your joint money. I'd be dividing that up before that happened.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If I were you, I'd be talking to an attorney because she could sue him over this and lose a chunk of your joint money. I'd be dividing that up before that happened.


What do you mean ‘she could sue him’. Do you mean sexual harassment? Or something else?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> What do you mean ‘she could sue him’. Do you mean sexual harassment? Or something else?


The sexual harassment. He's sending her text declaring his desire and she isnt' responding in kind. But even if she did he is the owner and she is an employee. Her livelihood relies on his not firing her. And it appears she works on commission. She could simply claim he is not giving her the 'right' clients which is decreasing her commission because she isn't entertaining his advances. It is clearly in the sexual harassment arena.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> The sexual harassment. He's sending her text declaring his desire and she isnt' responding in kind. But even if she did he is the owner and she is an employee. Her livelihood relies on his not firing her. And it appears she works on commission. She could simply claim he is not giving her the 'right' clients which is decreasing her commission because she isn't entertaining his advances. It is clearly in the sexual harassment arena.


Yea, agreed. I thought at first I missed something else.
Thanks for clarifying.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> What do you mean ‘she could sue him’. Do you mean sexual harassment? Or something else?


Certainly workplace sexual harassment. Good grief, he's going way overboard and she has evidence.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> The sexual harassment. He's sending her text declaring his desire and she isnt' responding in kind. But even if she did he is the owner and she is an employee. Her livelihood relies on his not firing her. And it appears she works on commission. She could simply claim he is not giving her the 'right' clients which is decreasing her commission because she isn't entertaining his advances. It is clearly in the sexual harassment arena.


Really, all she has to do is produce those texts. Whether she loses anything at work because of noncompliance isn't necessary. It's happening, and that's all right there in texts.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you're in the US, anyone could report this to the EEOC. It doesn't even have to be her. It could be another employee or contractor who feels he's favoring her could call the EEOC and put it on record. And people do make reports to them. Then the EEOC begins to get a history of the company's conduct on file and have a hearing and may recommend a complainant sue them.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Certainly workplace sexual harassment. Good grief, he's going way overboard and she has evidence.


Yea, for sure, you're spot on.

I heard 'sue him' and I don't usually think of sexual harassment as an individual lawsuit.
In my world, It's normally associated with reporting a person to HR for sexual harassment.
Thus my brief confusion.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Girl make your move while he is still all screwed up in the head. The advantage is yours if you move quickly. He will want it and probably agree to things you won’t get otherwise.

On a side note. You will have roller coaster days when your brain is remembering the husband past and your eyes are seeing the husband present. It’s no doubt rough …. Remember though… it’s obvious where his loyalty is and how little he values his marriage now. See, act, and believe with your eyes while trying to quiet the mind as it wrestles your heart. You got this 💪🏼


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

thissucks7788 said:


> Fantastic perspective and insight. I appreciate the boss comment- I have been trying hard to be tough even though I feel like crap. I'm doing the fake it til you make it routine. Thank you!


We know of and fully understand the fear and doubt that you’re suppressing but that is what makes many of us on TAM admire how you’re handling this **** sandwich. He chasing after a kid when he has a bad beotch at home. His loss.

You didn’t mention this but do you have kids together? If so, do they know how their dad is disrespecting their mom as well as himself? For a 50 year old guy to chase after a 20 year old is gross. Does he have no shame? I can just imagine the embarrassment a teen or young 20 something child would have of their dad doing that. Do not cover for him. Let his family and your circle of friends know too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

thissucks7788 said:


> Thank you for responding to my post. Yes, the friend thing is stupid-- I wondered if he thinks that will make him feel less guilty or maybe I won't come after him legally as hard. I let it be known though that I have no desire. I mean, what kind of friend would do this? With friends like this, who needs enemies?


He still wants you as backup for sex and emotional support. Selfish cheaters think only about themselves. Midlife crisis? More likely midlife opportunity. Thing is, this young girl doesn’t want a tired old guy. The best he is would be a sugar daddy and that is yet another reason to lawyer up on his goofy self.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> We know of and fully understand the fear and doubt that you’re suppressing but that is what makes many of us on TAM admire how you’re handling this sh!t sandwich. He chasing after a kid when he has a bad beotch at home. His loss.
> 
> You didn’t mention this but do you have kids together? If so, do they know how their dad is disrespecting their mom as well as himself? For a 50 year old guy to chase after a 20 year old is gross. Does he have no shame? I can just imagine the embarrassment a teen or young 20 something child would have of their dad doing that. Do not cover for him. Let his family and your circle of friends know too.


Thank you. Yes def. struggling-- couldn't eat or sleep for a week...crushed in fact. My dad used to say "never let them see your face" so I've tried to be detached with him and aloof when he was still here before he(well actually me) found his apt. At first I was furious and pissed but then went to aloof and detached especially when I saw the handwriting on the wall and he was not willing to get rid of her. I have been reading and researching and learned about the 180 and it made sense. My son (we have one- 15yrs old) actually heard us discussing/me yelling at first when reading the text so he told me he heard everything so I didn't have to make the decision. He thinks it's ridiculous and said he could be dating this girl. I am embarrassed for my husband but sad for what we used to have.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Unfortunately, because of your husband, those days are over. But you will be happy again without his cheating a$$ hanging around.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Good you convinced him to leave the home. Get a shark attorney ASAP to protect your finances. Advise him of the harassment suit in waiting that is risking your assets.

When working, company had several instances of young girls who hired on to snag some old fool manager to facilitate a lawsuit. Worked everytime. Company settled out of court, fired the old fool.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

thissucks7788 said:


> Thank you. Yes def. struggling-- couldn't eat or sleep for a week...crushed in fact. My dad used to say "never let them see your face" so I've tried to be detached with him and aloof when he was still here before he(well actually me) found his apt. At first I was furious and pissed but then went to aloof and detached especially when I saw the handwriting on the wall and he was not willing to get rid of her. I have been reading and researching and learned about the 180 and it made sense. My son (we have one- 15yrs old) actually heard us discussing/me yelling at first when reading the text so he told me he heard everything so I didn't have to make the decision. He thinks it's ridiculous and said he could be dating this girl. I am embarrassed for my husband but sad for what we used to have.


Have you found an individual counselor specialized in infidelity? It can help if you find yourself struggling.

It’s okay to feel sad for what you used to have. But keep reminding yourself that that husband is no longer someone you know.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Spoons027 said:


> Have you found an individual counselor specialized in infidelity? It can help if you find yourself struggling.
> 
> It’s okay to feel sad for what you used to have. But keep reminding yourself that that husband is no longer someone you know.


I haven't found a counselor yet but you are 100% right about my husband being someone I no longer know. In fact I actually refer to this "new" him under a different name (to his face as well when he was here) I said I miss (his name) and I hate this (new name) guy. It's almost like they are different people. I know that sounds ridiculous but it helps me to separate the old husband that I loved and thought I would spend the rest of my life with vs. this [email protected] who is throwing away everything on a mlc and a 20 year old kid.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> I haven't found a counselor yet but you are 100% right about my husband being someone I no longer know. In fact I actually refer to this "new" him under a different name (to his face as well when he was here) I said I miss (his name) and I hate this (new name) guy. It's almost like they are different people. I know that sounds ridiculous but it helps me to separate the old husband that I loved and thought I would spend the rest of my life with vs. this [email protected] who is throwing away everything on a mlc and a 20 year old kid.


Good strategy. Different names. That protects you emotionally.

Dont be surprised if he starts doing drugs and joins a commune. I had a boss once who left his wife of three decades, quit his job and went to a commune.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

thissucks7788 said:


> I haven't found a counselor yet but you are 100% right about my husband being someone I no longer know. In fact I actually refer to this "new" him under a different name (to his face as well when he was here) I said I miss (his name) and I hate this (new name) guy. It's almost like they are different people. I know that sounds ridiculous but it helps me to separate the old husband that I loved and thought I would spend the rest of my life with vs. this [email protected] who is throwing away everything on a mlc and a 20 year old kid.


I think it can sometimes be the cognitive dissonance that happens when who you thought your spouse was and who they really are contradict one another can be the most painful thing about an unfaithful husband or wife. It sounds like you're starting to realize though that this amazing guy who you thought you married isn't actually present anymore, so you definitely did the right thing. It is somewhat like waking up to a stranger. It's good you're starting to make moves towards finding a counselor. As others have mentioned, definitely get a lawyer sooner rather than later because he will be more amenable to ending things on good terms for you now than later.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I appreciate how everyone thinks I am handling it well and being a [email protected] Truthfully though I don't feel so tough- I just didn't really see a viable option once I saw how he responded to our conversation. He didn't express remorse and was unwilling to stop seeing her. It feels like he didn't fight for us at all. It is just so unbelievable! He's all ready to move on and have me find another guy (insert eyeroll here) The first 2 days/nights I was questioning him, emotional, in shock etc... I knew crying/begging etc would do nothing but lower and disrespect myself wouldn't help my situation, so I never went there at least with him. So, I went to my parents and escaped and formulated my new moving forward attitude. I don't feel strong, I feel like [email protected] I hope I can stay on my path.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> I appreciate how everyone thinks I am handling it well and being a [email protected] Truthfully though I don't feel so tough- I just didn't really see a viable option once I saw how he responded to our conversation. He didn't express remorse and was unwilling to stop seeing her. It feels like he didn't fight for us at all. It is just so unbelievable! He's all ready to move on and have me find another guy (insert eyeroll here) The first 2 days/nights I was questioning him, emotional, in shock etc... I knew crying/begging etc would do nothing but lower and disrespect myself wouldn't help my situation, so I never went there at least with him. So, I went to my parents and escaped and formulated my new moving forward attitude. I don't feel strong, I feel like [email protected] I hope I can stay on my path.


You are a badass. Since I’ve been reading here…maybe a couple years… I have seen so many men and women come here that couldn’t mentally accept what was right in front of their face. And they were in denial or frozen by fear.

An here you come….

“Hey all. My husband cheated so I kicked his a$$ to the curb. Lots going on here anyone got a minute to chat?”


Ha Ha…sorry I don’t mean to make too much light of your situation.
But as someone else said, YOU are a breath of fresh air.

You will come out on top, and be better for having walked through this. As terrible as this road is, you’re a real winner. Be proud of yourself. As hard as things are, you are on top of it.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You are a badass. Since I’ve been reading here…maybe a couple years… I have seen so many men and women come here that couldn’t mentally accept what was right in front of their face. And they were in denial or frozen by fear.
> 
> An here you come….
> 
> ...


Wow, thank you! I plan to re-read this during my weak moments. xo


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> _*I 100 percent agree with you. He is def. on midlife crazy train. Attorney is next step on my list....researching now. Thank you and agree about her lack of interest and love "old goat".*_


OP, stop blaming this on a midlife crisis. He is 100% ACCOUNTABLE for his unacceptable behavior.

Go read any infidelity board where a wife is dealing with a cheater or her cheater has moved out. Just about EVERY SINGLE ONE of those betrayed wives claim that their cheating husband is acting like a whole new person they don't even know and have no idea "where their real husband went."

He's not unique. He's not special. He's simply doing what thousands of cheating men of *ALL AGES* have done and are doing to this day. Pretty much ALL of them turn into 'someone else' when they go down this road. You need to stop blaming HIS crap behavior on "midlife crisis." That's just a convenient EXCUSE but it doesn't work for 28 or 35 year olds, so what's *their* excuse for acting like this if you can't label them as having a midlife crisis?

Call a spade a spade.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

thissucks7788 said:


> Thank you. Yes def. struggling-- couldn't eat or sleep for a week...crushed in fact. My dad used to say "never let them see your face" so I've tried to be detached with him and aloof when he was still here before he(well actually me) found his apt. At first I was furious and pissed but then went to aloof and detached especially when I saw the handwriting on the wall and he was not willing to get rid of her. I have been reading and researching and learned about the 180 and it made sense. My son (we have one- 15yrs old) actually heard us discussing/me yelling at first when reading the text so he told me he heard everything so I didn't have to make the decision. He thinks it's ridiculous and said he could be dating this girl. I am embarrassed for my husband but sad for what we used to have.


Don't involve the kids too much because that can count against you during a divorce or custody battle. Judges prefer you leave the children out of adult matters and not intentionally involve them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Good strategy. Different names. That protects you emotionally.
> 
> Dont be surprised if he starts doing drugs and joins a commune. I had a boss once who left his wife of three decades, quit his job and went to a commune.
> [/QUOTE
> ...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Good strategy. Different names. That protects you emotionally.
> 
> Dont be surprised if he starts doing drugs and joins a commune. I had a boss once who left his wife of three decades, quit his job and went to a commune.


Got to admire his style.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

thissucks7788 said:


> I appreciate how everyone thinks I am handling it well and being a [email protected] Truthfully though I don't feel so tough- I just didn't really see a viable option once I saw how he responded to our conversation. He didn't express remorse and was unwilling to stop seeing her. It feels like he didn't fight for us at all. It is just so unbelievable! *He's all ready to move on and have me find another guy (insert eyeroll here) *The first 2 days/nights I was questioning him, emotional, in shock etc... I knew crying/begging etc would do nothing but lower and disrespect myself wouldn't help my situation, so I never went there at least with him. So, I went to my parents and escaped and formulated my new moving forward attitude. I don't feel strong, I feel like [email protected] I hope I can stay on my path.


I wish I can hug you, so since I can't, I'm sending you a virtual hug. I know it hurts to think that he's just moving on and even saying he wants you to find another man. I promise you that is hot air, all coming from the false confidence boost he's getting from being with this young girl. But trust me, when he sees you with another man, boy, he is going to flip. 

I know you're not emotionally ready to date yet but trust me, there's a guy out there that would love a woman with your inner strength. Yes, I know, you're in fake to you make mode and are actually quaking on the inside but I'm telling you, we see so MANY betrayed spouses and it is rare to see a woman like you. I just hope you don't allow your stbx to turn you into a cold jaded woman. There's a good man out there praying for a woman like you.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

[/QUOTE]


She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, stop blaming this on a midlife crisis. He is 100% ACCOUNTABLE for his unacceptable behavior.
> 
> Go read any infidelity board where a wife is dealing with a cheater or her cheater has moved out. Just about EVERY SINGLE ONE of those betrayed wives claim that their cheating husband is acting like a whole new person they don't even know and have no idea "where their real husband went."
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input. I'll copy what I responded to a post above:
I think this is a midlife crisis but either way it is so destructive and he is still responsible for his actions. I feel so crappy though...not sure what to do. Hope time will help.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> I wish I can hug you, so since I can't, I'm sending you a virtual hug. I know it hurts to think that he's just moving on and even saying he wants you to find another man. I promise you that is hot air, all coming from the false confidence boost he's getting from being with this young girl. But trust me, when he sees you with another man, boy, he is going to flip.
> 
> I know you're not emotionally ready to date yet but trust me, there's a guy out there that would love a woman with your inner strength. Yes, I know, you're in fake to you make mode and are actually quaking on the inside but I'm telling you, we see so MANY betrayed spouses and it is rare to see a woman like you. I just hope you don't allow your stbx to turn you into a cold jaded woman. There's a good man out there praying for a woman like you.


Thank you so much! This seriously gives me hope. I am really having a down night and this lifted me up so much. xo


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

He's a cheater, move on!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Oh how terrible… what a way for a marriage to end.

The only advice I can give is to stop lecturing him and talking of shame and embarrassment and what will happen to him, how stupid he looks, what will people think, think of our son etc. I mean let’s face it, you can print material for alcoholics about what it will do to their brain and finances, and how they’ll get into trouble etc. You can tell them not to drink, tell them they sound brain-damaged when drunk… but the alcoholic thinks YOU’RE stupid and is just going to keep drinking. This is how your husband has seen you for a long time! So make a quiet exit, take care of yourswlf. He’s not listening to you or anyone. He’s a creep who thinks he’s pretty cool! 

So stop all of that, try to smile and forget what disasters may or may not befall him and turn your back and enter your brand new life without this man who has the mind of a 20-year old now. You have a brand new life now, you really do! The worst thing is, he just MAY find a 20-year old who is head over heels and loves him. As much as you don’t want to hear this, I try to tell people to imagine the best scenario. I know we all want to hear about mid-lifers falling in a heap, but this only serves to keep you stuck in a life where you’re just waiting for bad news. All the time. This also leaves you susceptible to them coming back when they’re broke and wasted, which is not the outcome you want. So as stupid as it sounds, imagine him happily married to a girl that way he never bothers you again in the future if things do go sour. You might not see it now, but you just don’t know what’s around the corner for you in 10 years, 5 years, 3 years!

The other thing, don’t help him anymore with anything. (Can I ask why you helped him find an apartment? That job should have been his alone. If he’s 50 and making such grand decisions in life, he can really be a big boy and coerce someone else to do the boring adult stuff). I completely understand you’re in shock and grieving, but now is the time for care and compassion and concern for YOU and you alone. He may become hostile and volatile, but let him really stand on his own two feet now. Really try to limit contact. Practise by taking longer each time to reply to him if you can. Baby steps, like setting a time limit between calls and texts and then extending that by en hour each day. Practise saying, ‘I’ll get back to you soon, Or I’ll call you back so that you’re not replying or talking when it suits him.

You seem like a caring and compassionate person, and it’s going to be hard to stop caring for him. But the great thing is, you can now give that care and compassion to yourself, guilt-free too! This is not going to be easy, I’m sure you’re terrified and scared and everything else that comes with a shock like this.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Oh how terrible… what a way for a marriage to end.
> 
> The only advice I can give is to stop lecturing him and talking of shame and embarrassment and what will happen to him, how stupid he looks, what will people think, think of our son etc. I mean let’s face it, you can print material for alcoholics about what it will do to their brain and finances, and how they’ll get into trouble etc. You can tell them not to drink, tell them they sound brain-damaged when drunk… but the alcoholic thinks YOU’RE stupid and is just going to keep drinking. This is how your husband has seen you for a long time! So make a quiet exit, take care of yourswlf. He’s not listening to you or anyone. He’s a creep who thinks he’s pretty cool!
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. I agree that nothing I would say would help the situation. After 2 days/nights I basically stopped all of that. Realized I was going nowhere and basically all the stuff you said. I helped him find the apartment b/c I wanted him out as soon as possible. I do better with no contact when I am getting over someone so that part is not foreign to me. In fact the harder thing is having to talk to him at all. I prefer no contact but due to son/business I have to have limited contact. I asked him to only text/email and pls not call. I also am all business and facts only. I appreciate that you weighed in!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’d be curious to know your upbringing. Your natural instincts and responses to the situation have been impressive to say the least.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Good advice. I can't imagine why a 20 year old would be interested in a 50 year old or the other way around. But like I keep telling myself...it is what it is (but it sucks!) I agree that this won't end well for him but I can't help thinking about something someone else said on here, He has showed me my worth TO HIM. Such a hard blow. Also interesting about the backup plan. Thanks for your comments.


Money. You mentioned that she gets paid for basically doing nothing. If she is your stbxh,s fling, is he playing her for services rendered? Is that not illegal?

Hell, if she file’s a harassment charge against him, she might own the company in the end.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Hell, if she file’s a harassment charge against him, she might own the company in the end.


Her attorney will own the largest piece of it. 

@thissucks7788, that is why it is imperative for you to get competent legal representation and advice sooner rather than later. Your husband is risking *YOUR* assets with his actions. You mention having family nearby, maybe female friends who have divorced. Both ought to be able to recommend a good attorney to manage the asset distribution. If you are in a community property state, half of everything is yours already and you need to insure the old goat isn't risking what you own.

Just curious, you mentioned he started going to the gym. Does he have a female trainer there who has been feeding him a bunch of BS about how hot he has become? That might partially explain his high opinion of himself. The trainers are good at stroking egos of their opposite gender trainees. It builds the business.

There was another long married old goat on TAM who started a thread about how he was working out at a gym with a 20 something employee he managed at work and contemplating getting with her. He eventually took advice from here to get away from that, but it took awhile and a lot of two by fours from here to get him stopped.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> I’d be curious to know your upbringing. Your natural instincts and responses to the situation have been impressive to say the least.


Oh, thank you. Nothing exceptional in my upbringing. My parents were/are a real love match and have been married for 50+ years. They have a very respectful loving relationship. I don't know if this matters, but my dad always treated me like his princess and told me to expect that my husband/all men to treat me like I am special. I have a good male role model in him about being a good man/husband/father. Other than that I guess just dating experience growing up. Men never respect you when you beg/plead/cry and it won't get you your desired results. That combined with my dad's "never show your face" I guess resonates with me. Also I noticed when I had heartbreak (all though nothing compared to now) I did much better getting over someone when I had no contact and cut them off. However being cordial when I saw them was the play. I feel like I keep my respect this way and it actually helps me. When you have to keep seeing them it creates more rollercoaster emotions which totally suck. That's my story


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Her attorney will own the largest piece of it.
> 
> @thissucks7788, that is why it is imperative for you to get competent legal representation and advice sooner rather than later. Your husband is risking *YOUR* assets with his actions. You mention having family nearby, maybe female friends who have divorced. Both ought to be able to recommend a good attorney to manage the asset distribution. If you are in a community property state, half of everything is yours already and you need to insure the old goat isn't risking what you own.
> 
> ...


You're right and I actually got the names of some good legal rep from some friends and will be following up asap. I already owned the house (bought prior to marriage) and it is in my name only. I took care of all of the finances in the relationship so I also moved much of my own money into bank acct with my name only. All my investments prior to marriage stayed in my name. The assets that we have together we discussed how to handle and we did take care of that and I typed a contract on what we agreed to and then after it was divided, had him sign that he received them. I feel like I got the better end of this deal as he is still in this weird fog. Of course, a lawyer will handle this better and be more thorough about everything including child support etc..., but I thought I would get the ball rolling as soon as possible.

No gym as he works out in the house. His job is very physical so he always stayed in good shape but lately he has been on a tear. I think trying to attract this young girl.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> Money. You mentioned that she gets paid for basically doing nothing. If she is your stbxh,s fling, is he playing her for services rendered? Is that not illegal?
> 
> Hell, if she file’s a harassment charge against him, she might own the company in the end.


Thank you for responding. I don't think she is physical with him (I saw the texts conversations between them) so I can't say that he is paying her for that if you know what I mean. I'm sure she must be flirting or something with him though in person and yes I agree for the money-- just keeping him warm. I think he is psycho to give up everything for something that's not even close to a sure thing. However either way, like someone else pointed out-- he has shown the value of me and our marriage to him. I informed him that he is putting his business/reputation on the line with this so he knows. I just want to be far away when this whole house of cards comes tumbling down.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@thissucks7788: I will echo what someone else posted. You are handling this like a boss! You are already way out in front of this. If you can get an attorney to work this before the fog lifts from lover boy, that will be wonderful.

The old fool has no concept of what he has lost. Whenever you are ready, you will have plenty of decent men competing for attention. It is good lover boy showed his true nature now instead of years from now.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> Oh, thank you. Nothing exceptional in my upbringing. My parents were/are a real love match and have been married for 50+ years. They have a very respectful loving relationship. I don't know if this matters, but my dad always treated me like his princess and told me to expect that my husband/all men to treat me like I am special. I have a good male role model in him about being a good man/husband/father. Other than that I guess just dating experience growing up. Men never respect you when you beg/plead/cry and it won't get you your desired results. That combined with my dad's "never show your face" I guess resonates with me. Also I noticed when I had heartbreak (all though nothing compared to now) I did much better getting over someone when I had no contact and cut them off. However being cordial when I saw them was the play. I feel like I keep my respect this way and it actually helps me. When you have to keep seeing them it creates more rollercoaster emotions which totally suck. That's my story


And you continue to impress with this post.
I wish everyone (including me) had that kind of background, parents, and perception when I was young.
You’re amazing.
Keep being you, keep being awesome.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Thank you so much guys. I'm not sure if you can comprehend how much your positive words mean to me. I'm pretty sure this is the lowest I have felt in my life and frankly, it sucks.  Lately I have been making a list of all things I am grateful for so I remember that there are still good things in my life -- last night this forum with so many wonderful supportive people was on my list. xo


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

#LikeABoss


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> #LikeABoss
> View attachment 84466


LOLOLOL! This made me laugh!!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

It's a long read but 20yr played it well too. She stayed calm and worked everything to her advantage.




https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/found-condom-in-husbands-bag.433017/


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Thissucks, let me tell you a little story that may help you.

I used to do re-enacting, and while the lot of us were in our mid-40's, two of us walked up behind two other guys who were staring at a couple of young (probably early 20s) women, and I overheard them "Wow they are really cute. We should go over and talk to them".
I said "you DO realize that she would think WOW they are OLD and pretty creepy" (at which point the other guy I was with laughed and said "EXACTLY right") and then walked away.
This is how this 20 year old is viewing your H -- she just can't say anything since her job depends on it.
The shame of it is he is like those two guys -- he really thinks he'd have a chance because reality hasn't hit him yet.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> It's a long read but 20yr played it well too. She stayed calm and worked everything to her advantage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you! I’m definitely going to check it out… I clicked on it but you’re right that it is long. I’m definitely going to read it later. Thanks again!


jlg07 said:


> Thissucks, let me tell you a little story that may help you.
> 
> I used to do re-enacting, and while the lot of us were in our mid-40's, two of us walked up behind two other guys who were staring at a couple of young (probably early 20s) women, and I overheard them "Wow they are really cute. We should go over and talk to them".
> I said "you DO realize that she would think WOW they are OLD and pretty creepy" (at which point the other guy I was with laughed and said "EXACTLY right") and then walked away.
> ...


The story really helps. It’s hard for me to understand his thought process here. I know, it really doesn’t matter his thought process but I can’t help but be curious. I have my own story… When I was working in corporate in my late 20s, my boss who was in his mid 40s was interested in me. He was a nice looking guy, but honestly I thought it was creepy and that he was too old for me. I would never have considered dating him in any way. So I do have some perspective on this. It seems as if people just sort of lose self reflection.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Both my daughters are in that age group. My oldest already had to put up with a similar situation at her job. She kept it as business like as long as she could and tried not to lead him on. It finally got out of hand one day and she quit on the spot.

This situation will end with two victims… asskicker and that little girl.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Thanks so much guys-- I don't know if this matters at all--it may not, but this isn't her main job. It is just some side money. Same principles still apply but I want to let my TAM fam know the deal.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Thissucks, the bottom line of this matter is that he is not using the brain in his head to make decisions. From my side of the desk, I adore men like your husband. He is likely going to be in a rush to start his "new" life. That puts him squarely in my cross-hairs. I would recommend to my team to ream him out for the maximum. No mercy. Why? I have had several women of our vintage know all too well that the old goat is making a fool of himself and will come to his senses after his world has crashed. Surprisingly, a few were setting the stage so that their husbands' affairs would collapse, and he would be right where the exW wants him. Those guys are taken back in, under very changed circumstances. One in particular, signed over the house and most of his investments. The new relationship did not make it more than a few weeks. He was broke. He was alone. He came to his senses with a dull thud. He was "allowed" to return to live in his basement. He was short leashed for most of his fifties. The reconciliation was bumpy, and he was at a very substantial disadvantage for a long while. I applauded his wife's game plan. She made our work quick and smooth. His attorney was similarly impressed.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Taxman said:


> Thissucks, the bottom line of this matter is that he is not using the brain in his head to make decisions. From my side of the desk, I adore men like your husband. He is likely going to be in a rush to start his "new" life. That puts him squarely in my cross-hairs. I would recommend to my team to ream him out for the maximum. No mercy. Why? I have had several women of our vintage know all too well that the old goat is making a fool of himself and will come to his senses after his world has crashed. Surprisingly, a few were setting the stage so that their husbands' affairs would collapse, and he would be right where the exW wants him. Those guys are taken back in, under very changed circumstances. One in particular, signed over the house and most of his investments. The new relationship did not make it more than a few weeks. He was broke. He was alone. He came to his senses with a dull thud. He was "allowed" to return to live in his basement. He was short leashed for most of his fifties. The reconciliation was bumpy, and he was at a very substantial disadvantage for a long while. I applauded his wife's game plan. She made our work quick and smooth. His attorney was similarly impressed.


Wow.
Note to self: If I ever screw up, avoid taxman.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Taxman said:


> Thissucks, the bottom line of this matter is that he is not using the brain in his head to make decisions. From my side of the desk, I adore men like your husband. He is likely going to be in a rush to start his "new" life. That puts him squarely in my cross-hairs. I would recommend to my team to ream him out for the maximum. No mercy. Why? I have had several women of our vintage know all too well that the old goat is making a fool of himself and will come to his senses after his world has crashed. Surprisingly, a few were setting the stage so that their husbands' affairs would collapse, and he would be right where the exW wants him. Those guys are taken back in, under very changed circumstances. One in particular, signed over the house and most of his investments. The new relationship did not make it more than a few weeks. He was broke. He was alone. He came to his senses with a dull thud. He was "allowed" to return to live in his basement. He was short leashed for most of his fifties. The reconciliation was bumpy, and he was at a very substantial disadvantage for a long while. I applauded his wife's game plan. She made our work quick and smooth. His attorney was similarly impressed.


I love this- so very insightful. Well he is out of luck b/c my house (which is in my name only) has NO basement-lol!!! I see how I have to play this very smart and make sure me and my son end up in a good spot. First thing my sister said is put the money in your name in your own bank acct. Literally first thing--she is a practical lady. Fortunately, I took care of all of our finances and kept much of my pre-marriage stuff in my own name. He also made a deal with me in the fog of things that I ended up with a good deal (I put it in writing and had him sign) Thank you for the insight -I am going to re-read your post as I plan forward with professionals.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Wow.
> Note to self: If I ever screw up, avoid taxman.


True words!! Love it!!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lawyer… now … fast fast fast !!! Get one quick!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Use your time while he is deep in the fog to rearrange all assets so that your future is secure and his is NOT. Been there when disaster strikes and the WH/WW realizes the signed away their life raft.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

In touch with lawyer, thanks all!! xo


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Taxman said:


> Use your time while he is deep in the fog to rearrange all assets so that your future is secure and his is NOT. Been there when disaster strikes and the WH/WW realizes the signed away their life raft.


Thanks Taxman-- I totally agree and have moved forward with this. Things are almost all in my name besides a small amount that we have put aside for expected taxes. House in my name only, mutual funds my name only, bank accts etc... He is not going to be in good shape financially and I know that he is already sweating that. Quick question--my name is listed as 1% owner of LLC -I spoke to acct about getting my name off and she said she can do it after tax season (just a few weeks). If something goes wrong (house of cards fall) could I be liable? Is there anything else that I am not considering that you can think of? Again, almost everything is in my name only. Hope you don't mind answering a professional question.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's going to be even less attractive to a 20 year old when he's broke.

I think there's a decent chance this guy will try to come back after the dust settles.

Be prepared.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Having everything in your name doesn’t mean anything if it is considered community property. That’s why you need that lawyer quick. You may be able to “fudge the truth” when talking to him and getting him to sign off … but as everyone is saying your “fog advantage” won’t last long.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Wow, thank you! I plan to re-read this during my weak moments. xo


You're doing sooo great!!! Be proud!! Inside I know you're not feeling it... but outside, keep on keeping on.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Having everything in your name doesn’t mean anything if it is considered community property. That’s why you need that lawyer quick. You may be able to “fudge the truth” when talking to him and getting him to sign off … but as everyone is saying your “fog advantage” won’t last long.


Interesting-- I purchased my home shortly before marriage in my own name. I looked and I don't live in a community property state but an equitable distribution state. As you mentioned, I did get him to sign an agreement although I don't know how that would hold up in court. Hence, contacted lawyer office this am.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> Interesting-- I purchased my home shortly before marriage in my own name. I looked and I don't live in a community property state but an equitable distribution state. As you mentioned, I did get him to sign an agreement although I don't know how that would hold up in court. Hence, contacted lawyer office this am.


If you delay and he realizes how important money is to an old creep chasing a 20 year old he may fight you a lot harder for anything he can get.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> If you delay and he realizes how important money is to an old creep chasing a 20 year old he may fight you a lot harder for anything he can get.


Agreed!


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> Hi,
> I'm new here and still can't believe this is happening (I'm sure many feel this way).
> 
> My story- Married for 22 years and thought we had a fantastic marriage. Seriously. Anywho, husband turned 50 (always worked out but started lifting weights like crazy) and it seems that he is in a (I guess sort of) EA with a 20 year old girl. I say sort of b/c I saw their texts and it seems way more one sided on his part. (I'll explain later). I had suspicions of a strange situation as he has his own business and this girl has been "working with him" on a commission situation. His business is night/weekend but he was spending very late nights once a week with this girl "training" her for months. I asked about it as I thought this was all weird and he laughed saying she was just a kid. I never had reason to doubt him before so I went with it.
> ...


Get your financial life in order, move on, give him the boot


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Thanks Taxman-- I totally agree and have moved forward with this. Things are almost all in my name besides a small amount that we have put aside for expected taxes. House in my name only, mutual funds my name only, bank accts etc... He is not going to be in good shape financially and I know that he is already sweating that. Quick question--my name is listed as 1% owner of LLC -I spoke to acct about getting my name off and she said she can do it after tax season (just a few weeks). If something goes wrong (house of cards fall) could I be liable? Is there anything else that I am not considering that you can think of? Again, almost everything is in my name only. Hope you don't mind answering a professional question.


You are a minority shareholder in a limited liability corporation. Your lawyer should be giving you direction, however, the reason for incorporating is to shield the shareholders from liability. That being said there are specific tax categories in different jurisdictions that will override both corporate shields, bankruptcy and death. Therefore, you need to get a jurisdiction specific ruling from your lawyer and financial rep.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Taxman said:


> You are a minority shareholder in a limited liability corporation. Your lawyer should be giving you direction, however, the reason for incorporating is to shield the shareholders from liability. That being said there are specific tax categories in different jurisdictions that will override both corporate shields, bankruptcy and death. Therefore, you need to get a jurisdiction specific ruling from your lawyer and financial rep.


Thank you so much Taxman! I hope I didn’t overstep. I appreciate your input.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

No overstep whatsoever. Bothers me that the basics were never explained to you. That happens regularly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yea, for sure, you're spot on.
> 
> I heard 'sue him' and I don't usually think of sexual harassment as an individual lawsuit.
> In my world, It's normally associated with reporting a person to HR for sexual harassment.
> Thus my brief confusion.


And the 20-year-old might ask @thissucks7788 to be a witness in any legal action she takes against him.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Both genders can have a crisis. See @Arkansas story for example of wife going with guy 1/2 her age.


and that's to say it mildly *(crisis) !!!!


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