# Should I say something?



## Texansfan (May 8, 2015)

i think I know what most of you will say given I'm posting in this forum but I need opinions. If you know of a spouse having an affair, would you feel obligated to tell the other spouse, even if you didn't know both of them? I feel like since I have this information, I should do the right thing and anonymously tell the person because I would want someone to tell me if it was happening to me. Or, is it none of my business since I don't know them? I was able to get the guy's name and was thinking of sending an anonymous email somehow. His wife is making a fool of him and he doesn't know.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You've recently been looking into (or at least wondering) whether or not your wife is currently in an affair. Is this something that you've somehow managed to uncover as a result of that or something else entirely...?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I feel that you should say something. I saw a fellows wife at a bar once and she was a little too friendly with someone. I didn't say anything at the time but later he learned that i frequented that place and he called me up asking if his wife was there at a party. I was at home at the time and I couldn't help him. It was then that I realized he suspected his wife was doing something and looking for proof. I wished I had told him sooner but I wasnt sure it was that bad until later.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

meson said:


> I feel that you should say something. I saw a fellows wife at a bar once and she was a little too friendly with someone. I didn't say anything at the time but later he learned that i frequented that place and he called me up asking if his wife was there at a party. I was at home at the time and I couldn't help him. It was then that I realized he suspected his wife was doing something and looking for proof. I wished I had told him sooner but I wasnt sure it was that bad until later.


I have a friend whose first husband cheated on her. Everyone knew. Family members, friends, co-workers... everyone. She was literally the last person to find out, and she had (roughly) the following to say about it...

"It may have actually hurt worse to find out that everyone knew about it but said nothing to me. It was as if they all watched my house burn down w/ me inside it and did nothing."


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Texansfan said:


> i think I know what most of you will say given I'm posting in this forum but I need opinions. If you know of a spouse having an affair, would you feel obligated to tell the other spouse, even if you didn't know both of them? I feel like since I have this information, I should do the right thing and anonymously tell the person because I would want someone to tell me if it was happening to me. Or, is it none of my business since I don't know them? I was able to get the guy's name and was thinking of sending an anonymous email somehow. His wife is making a fool of him and he doesn't know.


Years back I rented a place to my friend and his girl friend. It was easy for me to see she was having an affair considering I cut the grass and all and they worked separate shifts. So when I figured things out I went to my friend and said this

ME: If I knew something about <gf> would you want me to tell you?
HIM: No.
ME: Okay.

I was maybe 20-21 years old and looking back I'm proud that I went to him and proud that I respected his wishes when he didn't want to hear what I knew.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> Years back I rented a place to my friend and his girl friend. It was easy for me to see she was having an affair considering I cut the grass and all and they worked separate shifts. So when I figured things out I went to my friend and said this
> 
> ME: If I knew something about <gf> would you want me to tell you?
> HIM: No.
> ...


Eh... I'd have been a bit more specific...

"If I happened to know that your girlfriend were cheating on you, would you want me to tell you?"

I say that because he could've interpreted the question that you asked to mean that you knew something about her _past_.

And, just out of curiosity, did he marry her?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Eh... I'd have been a bit more specific...


This was almost 30 years ago but I remember him knowing exactly what I was talking about. It was written on his face when I spoke her name which I still remember.


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## Texansfan (May 8, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> You've recently been looking into (or at least wondering) whether or not your wife is currently in an affair. Is this something that you've somehow managed to uncover as a result of that or something else entirely...?


Completely unrelated. I still haven't found anything out by the way...not sure I ever will. Not sure if it even happened but regardless, it rocked me to the core. That is part of the reason why I feel I'm obligated to say something if I have this info. I'm just not sure how to get his email address. And it can't be traced back to me in any way.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Texansfan said:


> Completely unrelated. I still haven't found anything out by the way...not sure I ever will. Not sure if it even happened but regardless, it rocked me to the core. That is part of the reason why I feel I'm obligated to say something if I have this info. I'm just not sure how to get his email address. And it can't be traced back to me in any way.


Some details might be helpful... are these people neighbors, friends of friends, a random couple that you encountered at the grocery store...?


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## Texansfan (May 8, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> I have a friend whose first husband cheated on her. Everyone knew. Family members, friends, co-workers... everyone. She was literally the last person to find out, and she had (roughly) the following to say about it...
> 
> "It may have actually hurt worse to find out that everyone knew about it but said nothing to me. It was as if they all watched my house burn down w/ me inside it and did nothing."


This really resonated with me...wow. Poor woman. Wondering if they thought they were trying to protect her in some warped way if there were kids involved or something.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Texansfan said:


> This really resonated with me...wow. Poor woman. Wondering if they thought they were trying to protect her in some warped way if there were kids involved or something.


No kids.

Well... she doesn't have any.


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## Texansfan (May 8, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Some details might be helpful... are these people neighbors, friends of friends, a random couple that you encountered at the grocery store...?


I'm always afraid to get too specific, as if someone will read it and know it's me. I know the chances are slim to impossible that would happen but I hesitate anyway...not sure why. It is a friends sister who is doing this to her husband. He found out a while ago but thought it ended. They are trying to reconcile but he doesn't know it is still happening. Think they have 2 or 3 kids.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Texansfan said:


> I'm always afraid to get too specific, as if someone will read it and know it's me. I know the chances are slim to impossible that would happen but I hesitate anyway...not sure why. It is a friends sister who is doing this to her husband. He found out a while ago but thought it ended. They are trying to reconcile but he doesn't know it is still happening. Think they have 2 or 3 kids.


Definitely say something.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, say something. Everyone I knew knew my ex-fiance was cheating on me for over 2 years, even using MY car to take her around, and nobody said a word. I never spoke to a single one of them again, for not telling me.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I have a friend whose first husband cheated on her. Everyone knew. Family members, friends, co-workers... everyone. She was literally the last person to find out, and she had (roughly) the following to say about it...
> 
> "It may have actually hurt worse to find out that everyone knew about it but said nothing to me. It was as if they all watched my house burn down w/ me inside it and did nothing."


I read a post on here once where a guy found out his wife was the town trampoline. EVERYONE knew. Men, women, strangers, friends. This poor clown not only had to deal with CRUSHING infidelity, but had to move as well.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Absolutely tell him. He has a right to know he is in false r.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

workindad said:


> Absolutely tell him. He has a right to know he is in false r.


agreed

False R is hell


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

convert said:


> agreed
> 
> False R is hell


It's actually worse. After all, if you were in Hell, you'd probably _know_ it, along w/ the fact that you were burning.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> It's actually worse. After all, if you were in Hell, you'd probably _know_ it, along w/ the fact that you were burning.


absolutely


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## Texansfan (May 8, 2015)

I am going to say something...I can't live with myself knowing this information. Last year maybe I would look the other way but not anymore...I've changed (I think for the better). Through process of elimination, my wife will know it's me that said something and is going to be pissed at me for interfering but so be it.

However, not sure how to get an e-mail address for this guy and I need to make it anonymous. Any ideas how I can do this safely?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Texansfan said:


> I am going to say something...I can't live with myself knowing this information. Last year maybe I would look the other way but not anymore...I've changed (I think for the better). Through process of elimination, my wife will know it's me that said something and is going to be pissed at me for interfering but so be it.
> 
> However, not sure how to get an e-mail address for this guy and I need to make it anonymous. Any ideas how I can do this safely?


Start w/ social media... see if you can find him on Facebook, LinkedIn, Google+, etc.

ETA: If you've expressed a need to say something about this to your wife, and she's urged you to refrain from doing so, that should tell you quite a lot about her. If I were in your shoes, I might not be able to stop myself from saying something like this to her...

"If I were cheating on you, and someone knew about it, you wouldn't want them to tell you? Hmm... good to know.

So who are you f*cking?"

Might not be a good idea for you to do that, though, as it might make it even more difficult for you to uncover anything.

And that's assuming, of course, that she's up to no good. I really do hope that she isn't.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

Sounds like you’ve made the right choice. I’d be like not telling a guy someone is in the process of stealing his car. Burn a cheater whenever possible. 

How to reach him? Maybe good old fashioned mail? Or note under his windshield wiper? A little googling should give you his address (radaris, spokeo, etc). 

Ask your friend where this guy works, maybe the work addresses all have the same format, like John. [email protected]


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Texansfan said:


> I'm always afraid to get too specific, as if someone will read it and know it's me. I know the chances are slim to impossible that would happen but I hesitate anyway...not sure why. It is a friends sister who is doing this to her husband. He found out a while ago but thought it ended. They are trying to reconcile but he doesn't know it is still happening. Think they have 2 or 3 kids.


The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

ReidWright said:


> "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
> 
> Sounds like you’ve made the right choice. I’d be like not telling a guy someone is in the process of stealing his car. Burn a cheater whenever possible.
> 
> ...


Haha! Beat me to it. :-|


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Found out last xmas one of my longest friends has a cheating 'wife' (for a year, over now). She told waw at their xmas party, who then told me. Haven't decided whether to tell him yet. But have also avoided him ,as I wouldn't be able to look him in the face and NOT tell him.

TBH, it probably wouldn't be a massive surprise, their marriage has been in the sh*tter for as long as I've known them (12 years).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I can still remember the anger, indignation, and pain in my SIL's voice when she asked me (about 2 years ago), "Why didn't you tell me?"

I wish I had. And, if I could go back and do it all over again, I would. Hindsight, right?

Anyway, I don't want to type it out all over again. Anyone who wants to can read about it here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DayOne said:


> Found out last xmas one of my longest friends has a cheating 'wife' (for a year, over now). She told waw at their xmas party, who then told me. Haven't decided whether to tell him yet. But have also avoided him ,as I wouldn't be able to look him in the face and NOT tell him.
> 
> *TBH, it probably wouldn't be a massive surprise*, their marriage has been in the sh*tter for as long as I've known them (12 years).


Then it shouldn't be a problem to tell him.

Do the right thing.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Day one. It is not too late to do the right thing. Tell him. Even if his marriage is in the ****ter he has a right to know that it sailed past the ****ter and into the septic tank.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Texansfan said:


> I'm always afraid to get too specific, as if someone will read it and know it's me. I know the chances are slim to impossible that would happen but I hesitate anyway...not sure why. It is a friends sister who is doing this to her husband. He found out a while ago but thought it ended. They are trying to reconcile but he doesn't know it is still happening. Think they have 2 or 3 kids.


You have to say something! If you were the poor schmuck who is married to that miscreant, you'd want to know.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There was a story a while back about a man at a ballgame who watched the woman in front of him text love notes to someone as she sat next to her SO. The man managed to let the SO know before he left the ballpark. (I think that's how it went.)

He was a complete stranger who did the right thing, in my opinion. He was a hero.

One constant here is that the BS expresses utter humiliation at knowing that others knew. The feeling of being the dupe is painful.

I don't think this should be a close call for you. If this man is in your circle of acquaintances, a contact shouldn't be impossible to locate.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> There was a story a while back about a man at a ballgame who watched the woman in front of him text love notes to someone as she sat next to her SO. The man managed to let the SO know before he left the ballpark. (I think that's how it went.)
> 
> He was a complete stranger who did the right thing, in my opinion. He was a hero.


And if I remember correctly he was really beaten up in the social media for exposing. Also,from what I remember, women were the ones who were taking him to task the most. This guy actually had to write a blog to defend himself. It's amazing what society has degraded to.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> And if I remember correctly he was really beaten up in the social media for exposing. Also,from what I remember, women were the ones who were taking him to task the most. This guy actually had to write a blog to defend himself. It's amazing what society has degraded to.


Well regardless hes a hero in my book. If I ever met him I would buy him a beer. 

Good people are hard to find these days. 

C


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> And if I remember correctly he was really beaten up in the social media for exposing. Also,from what I remember, women were the ones who were taking him to task the most. This guy actually had to write a blog to defend himself. It's amazing what society has degraded to.


I remember the threads with people all aghast that he had 'injected himself into their lives.'

I think there were plenty of people like me, though in the minority probably. It's always easier to say 'not my business,' I think. Then you don't have to wrestle much with your morals/ethics.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> *There was a story a while back about a man at a ballgame who watched the woman in front of him text love notes to someone as she sat next to her SO. The man managed to let the SO know before he left the ballpark. (I think that's how it went.)
> 
> He was a complete stranger who did the right thing, in my opinion. He was a hero.*
> 
> ...


What made that situation even more distasteful was the fact that the woman was pregnant, so it naturally casted plenty of doubt w/ respect to the paternity of the child.



The Middleman said:


> And if I remember correctly he was really beaten up in the social media for exposing. Also,from what I remember, women were the ones who were taking him to task the most. This guy actually had to write a blog to defend himself. It's amazing what society has degraded to.


I think it was a mixed bag, w/ something like two-thirds of people supporting what he did and the rest basically telling him that he was wrong to intervene.

And yeah, FWIW, it _did_ seem like most of the folks telling him that he should've kept it to himself were women. I suppose, though, that, if it'd been the guy cheating, it might've been the other way around. I dunno.

Some people just suck.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Texansfan said:


> i think I know what most of you will say given I'm posting in this forum but I need opinions. If you know of a spouse having an affair, would you feel obligated to tell the other spouse, even if you didn't know both of them? I feel like since I have this information, I should do the right thing and anonymously tell the person because I would want someone to tell me if it was happening to me. Or, is it none of my business since I don't know them? I was able to get the guy's name and was thinking of sending an anonymous email somehow. His wife is making a fool of him and he doesn't know.


Yes.

And give your reason for thinking so, so he doesn't just think you're some kind of nut.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

DayOne said:


> Found out last xmas one of my longest friends has a cheating 'wife' (for a year, over now). She told waw at their xmas party, who then told me. Haven't decided whether to tell him yet. But have also avoided him ,as I wouldn't be able to look him in the face and NOT tell him.
> 
> TBH, it probably wouldn't be a massive surprise, their marriage has been in the sh*tter for as long as I've known them (12 years).


You know what to do, brother. What you'd want him to do for you.


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## Texansfan (May 8, 2015)

So I can see he is on facebook also. How do I safely send an anonymous message to this guy on facebook? I don't want to take any chances.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Texansfan said:


> So I can see he is on facebook also. How do I safely send an anonymous message to this guy on facebook? I don't want to take any chances.


You'd need to open another profile for yourself on Facebook. Pick something somewhat ambiguous for a name.

Don't use "Texansfan", anything related to the Texans, or football in general.

Or Gus Polinski. I've got enough posers dogging me as is.


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