# Worried about my STBX (Long)



## AwakeMysoul (Dec 4, 2011)

Hi, I am new here and I was trying to find out some advise. 

I meet my husband online, we talked for a year and then met. We have had a roller coaster type of relationship, on again and off again. I always put him first, and in some ways gave more of myself than he gave to me because he had been hurt before from his exwife who had an affair on him. I love him and I am still so very in love with him. I have been loyal to him and continue even though we are separated. At this point I couldn't imagine another relationship for a long time because I feel my heart is breaking.

The problem is he has some narcissistic tendencies and as he says the world doesn't revolve around him but it should. Birthdays and holidays pass without any consideration that I exist, although I have always made sure we celebrated his birthday and fathers day and every holiday. Cards, flowers, gifts are never of his concern and when he bought me flowers once it was a second thought as he was buying his then girlfriend. After 6 years we married and have been married for 2 years. He retired out of the military and since then has done nothing but watch tv as our finances crumble and it is difficult to pay bills or feed the kids. I feel like he has put his own needs before everyone else and is failing to take care of his family. The constant fighting and now extreme financial distress has taken a toll on me. I left and ended up living two hours away to go to school. I would come home every few weeks as time and money allowed. I had threatened divorce several times but never followed through. Now, I have been moving my stuff out and we went to a few counseling sessions where I specified I am done and I have no intentions on trying to remain in this marriage. I feel alone when he holds me, I feel insignificant, undervalued, taken for granted and I don't like myself when I am with him. When I am away from him I feel alive, happy and I can look at myself in the mirror and see a good person.

My concern is he doesn't want me to go and I understand, I have taken care of his every need for 7 years. He finally after I told him I wanted a divorce is opening up to me and telling me how much he really loves me, how I have been his lighthouse but he was just too stupid to let me know. I feel emotionally bankrupt after giving and giving to him for so long. Everything he is saying is things I wanted him to tell me for years but he never did. I am not trying to be cold hearted but I feel it is too little too late. I think he realizes I am serious and he will call me at 1 or 2 in the morning, he is quiet, with long pauses and is soft spoken, and like last night called to tell me he wasn't feeling well. It isn't a physical sickness because if it is anything like how I am feeling; his heart is breaking in two. When we talk he sounds like he is pleading for me to realize how much he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I love him but I love me more and I am just tired of hurting and being so unhappy.

Is there anything I can do to help him not hurt so bad or is me trying to help going to hurt him more?
Am I possibly not seeing something I should?
He is so depressed and sad and it hurts me to see him that way. Part of me wants to run to him and just hold him and the other part knows if I do that then I will give him false hope. I feel so torn.


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## SurvivingTX (Dec 4, 2011)

I am so shocked when I read stuff like what you have written. 

I try to do all the right things and get little traction, yet there are women like you who seem to bend over backwards settling for just the mere existance of a man.

If you have no intent of continueing in the marriage / relationship, then I feel that going back to comfort him is providing false hope.

I wish you the best in your future endeavors, and hopefully you find what you need in a future relationship.


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

Never give false hope. In the end it will end up hurting you both more than anything. You either want to try and make it work or you don't. There can't be an in between, at least not for very long. Eventually things need to get figured out one way or the other. Prolonging things will hurt you both on a much deeper level in my opinion. Then again, if you feel like you can make it work, then try and make it work. It sounds to me like you obviously still love him and care about him and how he feels. Maybe he needed a wake up call. That's what it took for me to change my behavior. Guys can be slow like that sometimes. We don't know what we really have until it's gone. Definitely make a decision one way or the other, though. Leaving the decision in limbo is not healthy for either person involved.


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## AwakeMysoul (Dec 4, 2011)

I am positive on leaving, I have expended myself mentally, emotionally and physically because I love him so much and he is the father of my children. I just have nothing left and I honestly don't want to get hope he will change and then only be hurt in the process.

My problem is he is emotionally distraught, depressed and I know he is hurting. I don't know how not to hurt him so much in the process of me trying to survive and rebuild myself from years of neglect. I don't want to give him false hope. I just feel his hurt and it hurts me to see him this way. I just don't know what I can do to help him if anything.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You have been caught in the classic narcissitic relationship snare. When they are bad they are really bad when they are good they are heavenly. The reason thy are so difficult to leave is because the good times are exceedingly pleasent and exciting and they are so charming and expressive. When the ugliness starts and last for years, the person caught in their snare is waiting for that intoxicating charm to return. 

You are more fortunate than most people in relationships with narcissist, you are leaving him before he leaves you after 20 - 30 when he decides he'd like a new model. If you decide to let him charm you back, enjoy the nice him now because once he has you firmly ensconced as his muse, you will not see him again. 

I suggest you read an article about narcissist in Phychology Today, "how to spot a narcissist". Narcissist know what they are and that people don't like them but they don't care. His statement about the world revolving around him was classic N all the way. They will do anything to get what they want any manipulation, any lie. They play upon good and honest people like yourself. The guy is probably patting himself on the back for his success in messing with your head. Don't worry about him, worry about your self because he is playing you for a fool. Make a surgical cut stop talking to him. 

You gave him too much already and now you are being his support at 2AM for something he precipitated? Really? Put on your adult thinking cap, you know what he is right, you know what N do to manipulate people, so why are you treating him like he is a normal person? 

You were unlucky enough to get into a relationship with N and you need to have a bit of therapy to get back to normal and to recognize how you were manipulated to become a drone. You are doing well. You have given too much so never do it again. You will gain much of your autonomy back by telling him to f**k-off stop calling you and never take another call. Don't worry, he will not dissolve in tears and inconsolable sadness as you think but he will have the classic reaction of a N, he will rage. That's what they do when the manipulation does not work. Try it you'll see. 

Don't be a fooled one moment longer, get out now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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