# Reginiting the spark (months) after birth?



## BetaRayBill (5 mo ago)

My wife and I welcomed our first daughter via C-section in late December of 2021. Due to some complicating factors, we weren't able to engage sexually for most of the pregnancy. During that period and in the almost 8 months since the baby was born, my wife's libido has really cratered, and our sexual relationship has more or less vanished. We haven't really had any sexual contact at all for over a year, now. 

Before anyone thinks I'm an asshole, I COMPLETELY understand that pregnancy and childbirth does a huge number on a woman's body, hormone levels, emotions, mental state, etc. On top of that, raising a newborn/infant has been exhausting for both of us, and especially for her, and I am fully sensitive to that - most nights, by the time we get our baby down to bed, we're both very wiped, especially my wife (who is still getting up once a night to at least pump, if not also do one overnight feeding), and it is in no way my expectation that she rally just because I'm feeling a little horny at any particular time. Plus, the baby slept in a bassinet next to the bed up until about three weeks ago, so it's not like we could use that area for intimate activity.

That said, we've both talked about wanting to reengage sexually in the coming weeks and months, especially now that the baby is sleeping in her own room. There's been what I at least think was an open, honest, and constructive discussion about it. My wife fully acknowledges that her libido has been in the tank since the baby was born (voluntarily acknowledges - I didn't ask) and continues to be flatlined. I've tried little things to create moments of more romance and sexual energy. I tell her frequently how beautiful and sexy I think she is, and attempt to demonstrate it with gestures of affection, but the response is very rarely there, if at all, and the last thing I want to do is create a situation in which she's feeling pressured. We do still have a level of physical intimacy - we kiss, hug, cuddle, etc. - but it never turns into sexy time. 

We had a pretty solid sex life prior to the pregnancy. I don't in any way expect us to get back to that standard just by nature of the stress and strain of being parents. At the same time, I am a fairly sexual person, and the thought of this totally fallow period stretching on indefinitely is something of a drag, emotionally. It's especially hard considering my wife has told me she she _wants_ us to reengage, but any time I try (romantically - again, trying my best not to pressure) to start something, she also says that her sex drive is really dead right now. 

I love my wife tremendously and have no desire for this to become a conflict. If the answer is for me to just suck it up and wait, I'll do that. At the same time, I'd love to holistically encourage us down a road toward a return to some level of sexual intimacy. 

Has anyone else been through this kind of thing before? Any advice on things I can do beyond sitting down and having an open conversation about it (since we've done that already and continue to communicate about it)? 

Thanks much in advance, all.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Has she spoken about seeing a doctor? This sounds like it is mostly on her and this seems like a good first step.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BetaRayBill said:


> My wife and I welcomed our first daughter via C-section in late December of 2021. Due to some complicating factors, we weren't able to engage sexually for most of the pregnancy. During that period and in the almost 8 months since the baby was born, my wife's libido has really cratered, and our sexual relationship has more or less vanished. We haven't really had any sexual contact at all for over a year, now.
> 
> Before anyone thinks I'm an asshole, I COMPLETELY understand that pregnancy and childbirth does a huge number on a woman's body, hormone levels, emotions, mental state, etc. On top of that, raising a newborn/infant has been exhausting for both of us, and especially for her, and I am fully sensitive to that - most nights, by the time we get our baby down to bed, we're both very wiped, especially my wife (who is still getting up once a night to at least pump, if not also do one overnight feeding), and it is in no way my expectation that she rally just because I'm feeling a little horny at any particular time. Plus, the baby slept in a bassinet next to the bed up until about three weeks ago, so it's not like we could use that area for intimate activity.
> 
> ...


You sound like an understanding person. The only thing I could suggest is start planning a date night but tell her up front that it's not just to have sex or anything, just to remove any pressure of feeling like then it would be obligated, but just to start spending time one-on-one again. 

What kind of like weekend trips did she like to do prior to being pregnant?

If she enjoyed going to a cabin in the woods or a luxury hotel, get a sitter and take her there. If she insists she could still bring the baby but not if it's going to keep her from doing something like going fishing. 

Just try to shift gears back to before there was the baby. It's just something to try. It might make her feel more like her old self. 

Something one of my friends said stuck with me all these years. We were talking about something from when we lived together and she had since had a child who was about six or seven by then, and she said she couldn't hardly remember anything from before she had her child. That's kind of sad.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She may need some romance to help her rediscover herself. Having a child is a big thing, it's far more earth shattering than people realize. I sympathize with this:


DownByTheRiver said:


> she had since had a child who was about six or seven by then, and she said she couldn't hardly remember anything from before she had her child.


I know what she means. I don't find it sad, having experienced it, to me it's more a testimony to how big a deal a baby is.

OP, you sound patient and kind and understanding. I really appreciate that you're like that, and so does she. I like the idea of date nights. I may be projecting, but she probably doesn't feel super sexy. Romance, time away from the baby, that will help. Maybe a weekend trip?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

A year post partum without sex is unacceptable barring medical issues. This is on her to fix at this point. You need to let her know that it's a deal breaker for you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I had a child via c-section and what was soooooo exhausting afterwards to me was the feeding. I breastfed and literally ever other hour all 24 hours each day I was either feeding the baby or pumping. Feed-1hour off-pump-one hour off-feed-1hour off-pump … on and on all day and all night!! By the time the baby slept 4 hours straight… I was so exhausted I felt like I’d never catch up again. AND it’s hard to feel very sexy when you are bone tired and smell slightly of spit up and diaper. Lol

All that being said, I suspect her mind right now is so tired she’s stuck in “mommy mode”. It’s like survival mode in a way. What might help is to remind her of the smart, beautiful, funny woman she was/is as a WIFE. You can remind her by making it a priority to have time as a couple where you do fun things together that build love. You can also do it by stopping the irritating little habits that grate on each other and drain love. Give her a night off—every _____day is mom’s tub night (or book night) and you take full charge of the child, dinner, dishes and everything. And let her make the time to do for you because a relationship is relating and mutual. Sex can return step-at-a-time. Maybe make out after a date! Go to second base…like you guys are kids. Make it fun versus “just another obligation.”


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Courtesy of Reddit User myexsparamour - Sex and Babies

8 months postpartum, you are near "out of the woods" potentially.

Please read this post carefully. The actions that you take right now can be a huge determining factor in your marriage and sex life later.

This period of low sex is common and natural - and if your wife is breastfeeding even more so as breastfeeding lowers libido.

I do not have a percentage but flat out this is one of the toughest times in a relationship. However, if you can focus on intimacy building, giving touch and more "adulting" for lack of a better word - in a healthy, previously normal sex life the greater the chance of its return.

I would *strongly, strongly *advise against listening to anyone telling your wife it's time to suck it up and get back to business. Please consult with a medical professional if anything seems off - pain, mood changes, depression etc.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Agreed, childbirth and the following few years is definitely the toughest time for a marriage.


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