# The Journal of A[Broken] Coffee Cup



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

So I wrote a few threads here in TAM regarding my marriage problem. And another one in my blog.

But for more updates and inputs for my sanity, i think i need to write a journal here.
[really appreciate if there's any, i found that TAM's members are very helpful and nice ] 
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Been 2 weeks since Dword [that later he changed it into 'separation'] and we still live under the same roof because of some kinks.

On my previous thread, there's a story about STBXH still said 'I love you' and we're still holding hands,etc. Well, no more.
Why? Because on the last talk we had, I said -maybe-something stupid.
I observed his body language closely, and i pointed out that he wasn't even sure about what he's talking about. He snapped , 'And now you;re using science against me? Profiling me?'. Well, since I detached everything emotional to deal with him, yes that thing was easy. I no longer listen to what he said, I focus on his body language. Yes i am evil and even worse, I still love him.
He asked if we still agreed on separating. Seriously? It was him who insisted. I tried one of TAM's member: ask him if he would try CC, IC, or MC. Well, he wants none. So then I asked, 'How long this separation will take until we meet up and talk about our marriage?'. He shrugged and said: 'I don't know. I don't know anything about the future blah blah blah'- all the relativism and yaddayadda.he gave me serious headache.I took mental note, and later found everything he said is cryptic. Smoke and mirrors. Nothing is real. I feel like an idiot, at the end. 

**self note : do not marry to a brainiac.hard to do, i'm a nerd myself, i'm attracted to nerds , naturally**

So in order to protect my dignity -or what's left of it, I try to do the 180. Most of them are easy, like #1-#5. 
As for #6, right now I ask help from my mom meanwhile I'm looking for a job.
#7 - #12 are easy.
#13 is..well, I'm not a natural happy go lucky, so here's my usual face: straight. Attractive: well, I take care of myself like before D/S word came out. Nothing's changed; my routine, i mean.I don't wear sloppy shirt or abandon self hygiene.
#14 : he's busy out there, and meanwhile I;m jobless at home and simply pennyless, I spend the time to take care my furbabies, find a job online, chat with friends, playing game.
#15-#17 : done. not that difficult.
#18 -#19 : I;m being civil, polite, but that;s it. I also leave his crap to himself. #20--#23. Yessir. I already do the Do Not Engage policy. So far so good.
#24 : be patient..for what? 
#25 : really? with all those cryptic messages? I need an ENIGMA here. or maybe someone from Cryptology down in NSA.Beside, why would I listen to him if all he said are lies? He said he loves me but no pupil dilation, he said he wanted this for the better but he kept shrugging his shouldres, arms around his chest. Sign of uncertainty and insecurity. why would i believe anything he said? 
#26-#29 : check.
#30 : to him? no. read somewhere that I need to treat him as a stranger who shares the room. like a new roomie that i don't really like. so i did treat him like that now.
#31 : not talking/communicating either. already start to split groceries as well.
#32 : hm.contradictions with #25. listen but not believe? why wasting time to listen, then?
#33 : will not give up nor backslide. right now i just cant wait to get a job and start to live my life without him.



right to this point, i feel weird. i mean, i love him. and I do want him back. but really? i mean, it's good to do 180 for myself instead doing that in a hush hush mission to get him back;but for real, i want our marriage back.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

OK.. you need to do what I did...

I think he still loves you but doesn't miss you.

Mine walked away and just left a note. After a week i went into no contact. Mine said the same thing.. no counseling, no discussion, nothing,.. just leave me alone.

After about 3 months she decided she wanted to talk again but I had already started divorce proceeding ( don't do that). Finally 5 months in she took me aside after court and said she wanted to work on it and go to counseling.

He wants a break... give it to him. You or him really need to separate for now. This will not repair itself living together. He can't miss you if you are there. I bet he is just unsure. 

It doesn't mean he is going to find another woman.. mine didn't date even though she was asked multiple times over the months.

He just needs a break. I bet this will work itself out in a few months. The key is to stop talking to him. Stop reading him or letting him read you.

It will suck.. I lost 25 lbs and so did she because of the stress but I think it will be worth it. 

If he won't work on it while he's there then you really have no choice. After he sleeps alone for a while he will get to miss what he had.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

hi J, thanks for the thought 
i will try to stop reading him, since i already stopped talking to him [and i found this easy].and no, i won't move for the divorce while we're separated. i'm not really sure about anything right now. were you back then? i mean, when did you could get a tiniest grasp to something certain while separated?

thank you for the encouraging post


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*got a job! yay!*

what i do this week: job hunting, write the blog~ portfolio blog, my beauty blog & this D journal, try to spend more time with my furbabies, continue packing up my stuff, help my baby sister to find a new dorm, having STBXILs 'praises' me in the sermon [srsly?].

finally, at least for now, i can breathe.
really have good friends here who try to hook me up with their friends/colleagues/family to get me some sneak peek info about job vacancy. and im thankful that they still show their support even now i'm literally a _jombles_ [where i came from,_ jombles_ is acronym for someone who's currently single & miserable : jomblo, and jobless. so there,_ jombles_] .and this status, is an effective friends repellent.
and i just got a text message that i got the job in Bali. woo-hoo!  
this is really something.and i do hope everything will be better


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

You've got a job in Bali? Congrats! Keep spending time with supportive friends and family. Do the180. do not call your ex, text or email unless regarding a necessary matter. Keep your distance. You're doing great.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*[not] broken finger or hit by a bus*

After NYE 'incident' where he spent the night in his new baby girl's place, i tought there's nothing more he could do to hurt me.

i was wrong.
he did it again :smthumbup: 
failed to sneak out of the house early in the morning because all the noise woke me up,he had no choice but to tell me he's going out of town. history tells me that he'd be going for a day. leave in the early morning, return at night.
for practical reasons, he used to go by public transport, but ta-daa! his baby girl picked him up at the house. i was :









ookkay.fine.so i did my daily routine like usual, didn't text/call him or even gave it a thought. and when it was 7pm, it started to hit me. okay he might not care about me anymore, that's fine.but he always loved the dogs and now he didn't even ask about them. i begin to worry since i wont be able to take them with me  how would he treat them after i'm gone?
later last night at 11.30pm he texted me that there's some 'signal problem'; that he had some meetings that night so he wouldn't come home; that he had texted me bunch of times that day but due to the 'signal problem' i didn't get the messages *scoff*.
seriously, dude. i may want R, but your actions are just..ew.
I just replied with 'Ok. '

and I get that Joe Navarro book for body language and microexpression. enough with the lies and manipulation already.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

Chopsy said:


> You've got a job in Bali? Congrats! Keep spending time with supportive friends and family. Do the180. do not call your ex, text or email unless regarding a necessary matter. Keep your distance. You're doing great.


thank you Chopsy, im trying here to do the things that are actually good for me


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

got a new hair cut, now i look like a cute boy. i've always wanted to cut my hair like this, but STBXH always said 'No' because he likes girls with long hair. Now that he said the D/S word, let's play it my way.

now i can do anything i want, anytime i want


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

im trying to move forward.
even so, to live under the same roof with him after the D/S word 2 weeks ago[or 3?] gives me twisted perspective about him.about who he is exactly.about me.about us.
was our marriage real? what was it? was that for show? was that for his ego? what was that for?and on and on and on.

i still love him, though i don't show or feel it as an obvious but i know the love is still there somewhere. but on the other hand, i start to hate him. i know 'hate' is a strong word, and i shouldn't use it. but i feel that i really don't want to be with him in this condition.
after STBXILs had told me this morning that they want a sit down -again- with both of us, i feel this uneasiness, like there's a knot in my stomach.
i feel empty,manipulated, angry, all the negative feelings.

so i browse down on youtube to find some meditation music -never done this before in my life, never been so spiritual either. but now i know why people need it.sometimes brain is in overdrive and no logical & beneficial stuff comes out of it. so i give the theta wave a shot.
got my ears attracted to native american music, so i listen, sit down, relax. 
...darn. i even do some chanting --;;

let go.relax. you have no control over others' minds and actions. take control over yourself.accept things, move forward. 
repeat.

after 15mins, i start to feel a bit relaxed. let go.let go. let go, just.let.it.go.

i hope im not overdo things in this D/S matter. i just don't want to be the needy/nagging/annoying one. i want to be the happier version of me.

namaste :smthumbup:


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

oh life sucks in this past 2 days.

STBXILs wanted a sit down. ended up with I sat down.*TWICE A DAY*.STBXFIL had stated he wanted to sit US down, but STBXMIL did the other way around.

Why on earth you people didn't sit your bloody son down?
What is the purpose of you guys put me on this check mate position and expecting the two totally opposite things out of *me*?
Why are these ppl are liars?

And i'm stuck here because i can't move until my baby sister who's currenly staying with me haven't move out yet. i mean, cannot move out before Mum come here and formally excuse ourselves from this hellhole. Yeah, it's Asia. anything less will be considered as insult and that could be terrible. Dad could die. Not figuratively.

So STBXH does his version of 180. But his parents keep putting pressure on me. Me. Me. Me.
Said i've got to stay because that what's god wants with all those pastoral preaches.this is exactly why im not religious. this is exactly why.this situation is just...arrgghhhh!!!!!!

im the sitting duck here!!!

it's like in the TV shows. they jedi mind tricked me. they let me squirm, let me sweat, manipulate me, drive me to their paths.well im not playing. i just sit here quiet and still. NO MORE sit down. if their son wants destruction, im not going to give it. if their son wants me to make the call, hell no im not making the call. i wont give them what they want.* i will give me what i want.*. they can play mommy-son later without me.

i married to a wimpy boy! oh how could i be so stupid??!


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

Got another email about job interview. YAAAYYYY!

after spending NYE and NY crying like $h1t while set up my portfolio blog,googled any creative work/design companies for me to send them my CV..darn those times were really dark.

this is so relieving, cos i really need 2nd or maybe 3rd job. walking dogs too for extra cash. i may be poor right now, but im not giving up


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: [not] broken finger or hit by a bus*



stopandmakecoffee said:


> After NYE 'incident' where he spent the night in his new baby girl's place, i tought there's nothing more he could do to hurt me.


"new baby girl"? Sounds like he is having an affair.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*Re: [not] broken finger or hit by a bus*



EleGirl said:


> "new baby girl"? Sounds like he is having an affair.


IDK, and maybe im not interested into digging too.
this girl has been around STBXH's family since she was an infant.now she's 20 [maybe?], and the four of them [STBXH, STBXBIL, her and her twin] become very close.it's no wonder they spend SO MUCH TIME together for no reason.and they get closer recently, especially during all these dark times for me.
if she's in town on weekends [she currently studies in another town, like 80miles away], most of her time would be spend in STBXH's small office, they both in the same room, door's closed.

so there


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: [not] broken finger or hit by a bus*



stopandmakecoffee said:


> IDK, and maybe im not interested into digging too.
> this girl has been around STBXH's family since she was an infant.now she's 20 [maybe?], and the four of them [STBXH, STBXBIL, her and her twin] become very close.it's no wonder they spend SO MUCH TIME together for no reason.and they get closer recently, especially during all these dark times for me.
> if she's in town on weekends [she currently studies in another town, like 80miles away], most of her time would be spend in STBXH's small office, they both in the same room, door's closed.
> 
> so there


Affair... Men generally only spend time with women they want to have sex with. His behavior is completely wrong for a married man.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*Re: [not] broken finger or hit by a bus*



EleGirl said:


> Affair... Men generally only spend time with women they want to have sex with. His behavior is completely wrong for a married man.


oh now i get some confirmation. for all these times i've been wondering. i thought i was being paranoid, like a crazy jealous wife.
because i know she's sooo attached to STBXH, texting and messaging him on blackberry and all. i didn't even text STBXH or anyone that much.oh well


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: [not] broken finger or hit by a bus*



stopandmakecoffee said:


> oh now i get some confirmation. for all these times i've been wondering. i thought i was being paranoid, like a crazy jealous wife.
> because i know she's sooo attached to STBXH, texting and messaging him on blackberry and all. i didn't even text STBXH or anyone that much.oh well


Can you get his cell phone and check it out? See what they are texting about?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LOL.. you are like me. My son's father cheated on my a lot. But I never even thought about it, did not realize it. It was not even until I was ready to leave him because he was abusive that I found that he had cheated all those years with many women.

But by then I did not even care. I just did not like how he treated me. The cheating was just one more fact.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*Re: [not] broken finger or hit by a bus*



EleGirl said:


> Can you get his cell phone and check it out? See what they are texting about?


since the very beginning, i already stated this to him : 'im not interesting to check your phones. respect my privacy, and i'll respect yours'. and i never cheated, nor cling to my phone. it has always been lying around anyway.he could check it anytime if he wanted to.but he,OTOH, is been so clingy to that goddamned thing. he brings that even to the toilet. 

but i'm like : meh.

and lol, yeah, i just don't care. it's just another fact. sad isn't it?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*yes i am mean.*

so i was looking for my anti frizz hair serum,and it's in one of the boxes i already packed.so i had to open the boxes again to find where it is.
then i went looking for it when STBXH caught me. 'What are you doing?' - with some 'empathy' in his voice.

curiously i laughed, saying: 'oh don't worry, i'll be out of here'

STBXH : 'why did you say that?' -_yes, i could hear that he's hurt.hurt?oh really._

me : 'well, am i wrong?' -_still laughing. not cynical laugh tho. it's just a simple laughter.like i find something funny on the TV show.without the hysteria._

STBXH : *_murmured*_ 'yes. what are you doing?'

me : 'well, not your business' 

then he just left. using my motorcycle.mine.to his little baby girl.
i dont even want to touch the coffee he bought, or the groceries he bought. 

hurt? really? :rofl:

yes im being honest to him.i dont want to mask what i feel.i dont want to fake anything. 

_'Well, if you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much everything else' - House._


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

the most tiring day.
finally both families meet up, sit down together, talking and yapping [STBXFIL, especially].

STBXH still wants the separation; and counseling, and meet ups, evaluate, put effort.
but why i dont believe any single word he says?
his body language is positive, no signs of lying. no scratching nose/ear/arm, twitchy eyes/mouth, open legs & arms, his pitch is stable. 
but i still don't believe him ._.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*i need to rant*

it's been nearly 7 weeks, and yes the anger and pain started to subside.

or not.
because i cant stop myself to think/imagine scary things i'd do to STBXH if i had the chance. i hate the man, i despise his very existence, how he treated me, and just dumped me just like that like a piece of 5hit.
i start to think why am i angry? am i angry because of reasonable reason, stupid reason, or no reason at all?

reasonable reason : i feel betrayed because it seems like i was the one (still am) who take the vow seriously. but this takes me to another point of view: 'who's the moron put til death to us part' line in the vow? successful relationship ends in death, and unsuccessful one ends with divorce. so the reasonable reason becomes stupid reason.

stupid reason of why im angry: because the vow itself doesn't make sense, and if it doesn't make sense, it's like dropping nuclear bomb over a box of Twinkie and kill two millions of innocent civilians in the process. im angry because of STBXH took my Twinkie (marriage,love,trust, yaddayadda) and i end up being the bad guy because i want my twinkie meanwhile i lash out and do some good damage.

so im angry because of no reason? eventually the reason becomes : 'thou shalt not take my twinkie!'

this is idiocy.

i dont have the will/guts into thinking that this $hitparation will actually lead to R. because if there's a sit down/talking, i know exactly what im going to say to him: 'you're a j3rk and i want your life to be miserable'.and that makes me the bad guy, the hostile STBXW, the 'stay away from that 8itch' woman. and nothing beneficial for me in that.

so, what do i do? getting kickboxing class?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

my shrink showed me somethign about passive aggressive spouse. i never knew this term even existed!

holy f'n 5hit, so i was being friggin abused for those years???! and i didn't even realize it! i even think that all this mess is actually my fault because i was hostile during the marriage for expressing my feeling honestly to him. oh good lord of manipulation, teach me how to manipulate a manipulator! 


or no. that's bad. i don't want to be a bad person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> my shrink showed me somethign about passive aggressive spouse. i never knew this term even existed!
> 
> holy f'n 5hit, so i was being friggin abused for those years???! and i didn't even realize it! i even think that all this mess is actually my fault because i was hostile during the marriage for expressing my feeling honestly to him. oh good lord of manipulation, teach me how to manipulate a manipulator!
> 
> ...


I'm a bit surprised that you did not realize that he's passive agressive. That's been pretty clear from all you have said about him. 

Wel now you know. Hopefully you will avoid people with this behavior in the future.

Have you moved out yet? It seems that you were supposed to by now.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

hi elegirl! kinda miss you 
yes i moved out to my mum&dad's house. i turned down 3 job offfers because i want to spend times with my dad. i will work from home, rebuild my business like i always did 

yeah..terrible fact that i never had any idea about passive-aggressive spouse!!T____T


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Missed you too... For some reason I have not seen your posts come up so I figured you were busy setting up your new life.

Spending your time right now with people who love you and are kind to you might be the best thing for you. 

Good luck on your business. Sounds like a great opportunity for you.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*happy birthday to me*

so, stopandmakecoffee, happy birthday. just in time with CNY, so here i am making a wish.

luck,prosperity,good health body and mind, success, inner peace and love flourish in my life this year forward.

after reading about P-A husband, i knew that STBXH & STBXILs wont call,text or do anything nice like a normal, mentally healthy human being to me. and im right. kinda ironic because past few years they were always enthusiast and throw some family dinner, gifts, but oh well 

it's like a wise man once said, one's real face will appear during trial times 

no im not sweating over this. im oddly happy, it just shows me that STBXH is P-A for real :smthumbup:


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

during a random commenting 'activities' on facebook with girlfriends , i came up with an idea to do some writing with them. 

we are going to write a book together, and now we're brainstorming.it's been too long since my last published novel, so i guess this is the time for me to do things i love -again.
im glad and thankful to have them in my life


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

after learned it the hard way about PAPD STBXH and manipulative STBXILs, i just cant stop thinking about how stupid i was; but im not angry nor hate myself. it wasnt my fault, never was. they are who they are, and that has nothing to do with me.

while doing the 180 for my own benefit 100% instead of investing and hoping that through 180 i will get the chance to save my marriage, i find myself truly at peace. back then i thought i would never have a life, that i would be end up miserable without STBXH, now that im in the new light, i find myself actually HAPPY without him, and i CAN live without him.

i hope this isn't a phase, i really hope that this state of mind will last.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like you are doing a lot better now. The 180 is meant for that.. to help you break away from someone who is causing you pain. 

You were not stupid, Shed that thought. You were married and just thought that you married a good man. He had a chance to live up to those expectations and failed. It's on him, not on you.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

hi ele, yes i actually feel a lot better. having a lot of things to do in my list, therapy, family and friends who are sincerely kind to me , all of them help me so much in these hard times 

and you're right, it's on him, never on me. i thought it was my fault, for not being good wife etc; but wow, turns out it wasn't my fault at all! i thought my anger and frustration were the cause of him sulking and it was my fault to be angry! i cant believe that that was his doing all along! PAPD people are evil, and the master of manipulation indeed! lol.

thank you ele for keep visiting my thread and post things that truly encourage me


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*on passive aggressive spouse : SSDD we all have heard*

yes this is a *lame *topic. everyone's been talking about it, but i bet there are many others out there who still don't know.
same 5hit different day indeed, and these are the facts i have learned about PA spouse; my mental notes.


*1. They came from dysfunctional family, with a background of emotional abuse as well.
*

Vet your future/potential in laws if you are dating. You get what you get that's true; but you also have all the rights in the world to get mentally healthy, functional, loving in laws as well. They will become your family too, eventually. Make sure you have decent, good second family who wont suck life out of you and your marriage. Break the evil cycle. Go through the childhood as you talk casually with them. Ask for childhood photos, they reveal stories.
_The less you get from a photograph, the more it tells you - Jason Gideon._

*2. They seem caring and normal.*

Psychos always look normal. But in fact, no, they are not normal. 

*3. It wasn't your fault. Never was.*

To be attracted to someone who looks, acts normal, caring, and calm is not a mistake. They prey on that, use that, and make you think everything was your fault, but no. Only sick people manipulate those who love them.


*4. All relationships are quid pro quo. Don't be a martyr.*

It's natural to expect something when you give something. You;re not evil or insane for doing that. That's how human society works. If you start to feel guilty to ask or expect something normal, then you're alredy become the victim of covert abuse.

*5. Covert abuse only can continue if you allow it.*

Takes two to tango. They will continue to abuse you if you allow it. Open your eyes, sleep with one eye open; but don't drive yourself crazy. Stay alert, and be assertive. Talk in straightforward way.

*6. Every normal person has conscience. They dont.*

They wont feel guilty to use you, manipulate you, or hurt you.Don't play the 'why you hurt me?' on them. they wont flinch; instead, it will satisfy them because you're actually hurt.

*7. They are cowards. Cowards are fearful immature people who don't know how to handle themselves.*

You don't need cowards to be your life partner. You need someone who are afraid appropriately, and have bravery in appropriate way. Life is scary, and it does make sense to be afraid once in a while. Yet you have to be brave to live.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*Jack Bauer vs Jack Sparrow*

I always like these two Jacks. Both 'entertain' me in their own way, and not just that, they always give me something fresh to think about.

Like in the scene where Sparrow - Turner dueled in the blacksmith workshop :

_Turner : 'You don't play fair'
Sparrow : 'Pirates'_

or like what Mr.Gibbs said : _'Take everything, give nothing back'_

Like Bauer said to Buchanan :
_'You know why I wanna do this, Bill? In China [where Bauer was being tortured for 2 years],I don't give up because I know I'd die for nothing. But this, I will die for something, and that's what I want'._

and in this random mindedness, I remember about a saying from The Buddha : _'You want it, therefore you suffer'_.

Or this line from Master Oogway [Kungfu Panda] : 
_'Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today; today is a gift, that's why we call it present'._

Having a PA STBXH and manipulative STBXILs, the fear of 'do I suffer Stockholm Syndrome if I -quietly- wanting to R?', but also want my life to be better, to have my own version of happiness without STBXH, all of these give me mixed feeling.

Am I right now 'suffering' because I want to R, or am I suffering because I want to be happy? But isn't that exactly what happens to everyone? We want to be happy,hence we suffer.

I want to live for the day, live the moment like what Master Oogway said.Because tomorrow, we can't know before tomorrow becomes today. We just have to live with it, face it, get on with it. We simply have to survive.

But how, and for what reason?
Is it like Sparrow did it? Just play by the way you want it, absorbing and applying the Pirate's moral codes : take everything, give nothing back ? Yes that's easy, isn't it? No, at least not for me. How could I take something from someone who gives me nothing? Rob him blind? What's to rob? I don't want anything he has anyway. 

Or live by Bauer's 'code'? Adapt, but never lose it. Never give up, or give up by your own term. Do not die over nothing, do not let yourself suffer inside whatever life gives you. Die for something worth while. But what is it worth my while? 

endless questions:rofl:


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