# Why cant I stop loving my narcissistic ex



## Hummingbird (Dec 8, 2009)

Hello, I am new to this site and am desperate for some constructive advise. I would be very grateful if anybody can spare the time to read or answer this thread.
I arent sure where to start so I will start where I am now. My partner of 3 and a half years has just finished with me tonight as I wasnt prepared to choose him over my two teenagers. I have a son of 14 and a daughter who is nearly 18 and 6 months pregnant.

Previous to being with this partner I was with my ex for 13 years. He was an abusive alcoholic, both mentally and physically. I was hit and spat at almost every day and screamed at constantly, I couldnt even sleep peacefully for fear of being woken with a hand around my throat or a knee in my back. Of course my kids suffered through this, they were witness to lots of it and eventually he began to turn some of the abuse onto them. I could see how it was affecting them and it almost killed me when my son who was eight at the time pulled a knife out on his dad trying to protect me. I felt like I was in a permanent state of nervous breakdown. Anyway, after years of living with no phone or internet it finally arrived and I found solace on a chatroom for social anxiety. I was befriended there by a man who I felt an instant connection with and he helped me to find the strength to end it with the partner.

Anyway, he met my kids after 6 months and took an instant dislike to my daughter and barely tolerated my son. It was a while before I could see this and I felt extremely mixed up, it was a situation that kind of crept up on me. Then I began to feel very controlled by him and after talking to counsellors and looking online I realised that he was very narcissistic. He would give me a long list of things that I had to do each day and hell hath no fury if I didnt complete them. He would sit and seethe when in my daughters company and go beserk over silly things like the day my son mistakenly ate a bag of quavers in his car (Eating was banned but it was a new rule).

Anyway, I could fill a book but to cut a long story short, both me and the kids have been trying to make progress through all of this, family counselling etc, at first we were all suffering from social phobia but have made good progress but whatever we do he tells us we are dead beats. The worst thing is that he hit my daughter a few weeks ago when she was 12 weeks pregnant, dragged her from the car by her hair and threatened to kill her, she has issues of her own that can try your patience but he was very nasty that day and, hands up, I was terrified of losing him. I had initially thought that we were soul mates and we had more in common than any man I had met before. Anyway I going to stop all this blabbing but just wondered why I think in such a bad way, why I make such bad choices and why I feel so weak and confused? There is a lot more to this story but I dont know where to turn so please has anybody got any advise? 
Thankyou


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

humming,

by all means please ignore me if you feel so inclined...i dont know you personally, i have just read your post...

I would get myself and my children as far away from this person as possible! for good!

a list of things for you to do?

hitting, dragging AND threatening to kill a 17 y/o pregnant girl??

WHAT kind of person is he???

you and your children deserve better.

doesnt matter what kind of issues ANYONE has...does not justify being treated so hienously!

sorry if that is hard to swallow. i know it is not an easy thing to do...my sil went through a very similar situation...she had no children. thank god...

if he didnt take to your kids...he should have hit the road then!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm so glad you admit you make bad choices. It's not uncommon for women with low self-esteem to end up with abusive and/or controlling men, who often have low self-esteem, no self-control, and seriously dangerous anger management issues. 

Please find a domestic abuse hotline and call it now. You and your children are deeply damaged by these experiences and you will need all the loving support you can find. Women's shelters can provide that. Don't tell him; just do it and follow the advice. Your daughter is at serious risk of choosing an abuser now, too, and your son could end up an abuser. You don't want that. You love your kids more than anything--that's obvious--so get help to leave this situation. God bless, and please let us know when you are safe.


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

Hi Humming...People that were raised by alcoholics or abusive (physical or emotional) parents have the lowest self esteem. The child, into adulthood feels that since his or her own parents didnt love and nurture, why would anyone else. You believe the mean words and names you were called. Im sorry if this is not your situation. But very low self esteem, starts with this kind of childhood. So when grown, they are comfortable with abusive significant others. It's an unaware comfortable home feeling. You need to make yourself and your children safe first. Then you need to embrace yourself and do whatever you have to in order to boost your self esteem. Counseling, al-anon meetings, going out with friends, whatever it takes. Stay busy!! It makes time go by faster and time is the only thing that will heal you. Good luck with all this, and take one day at a time.


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## hideandseek (Sep 21, 2009)

I was married to a narcissist and my mother was one. These type of people seek out partners who are co-dependent. 

Because I was the child of a narcissist I was raised to be co-dependent. You were in an abusive relationship so you know how to be co-dependent.

Please heed the others advice and do everything you can to protect yourself from this man, he is dangerous. Call your local shelter and get some support in place. Once you have ensured your safety, please get some therapy for you and your children. Your children have had a terrible example set for them in that man and your ex. And, I really don't mean to be cruel, but you are also setting a horrible example for them, too. They have learned that your love life is more important than them and that women are to be objectified and abused. 

You need to set a new example for them. Show them that they come first, that their safety is the most important thing in the world to you and that you value your own safety and will no longer accept being treated so poorly. 

Please get some help now.


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## Ana_Nurse (Oct 24, 2009)

Maybe a good book would be Co-dependant no more by melody beattie...


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

As you probably already know yourself without even reading everyone's response that this is not a healthy relationship. think you were just looking for reinforcement to back up with you already knew. Now that you have that- you know what you need to do next, get out of this relationship ASAP. 
You referred to him as your partner of 3 yrs - so am assuming you are not married? If there is nothing legally bounding you to this man you can & should walk away ( or some others may say "run away"). 
The great news about your post is that you recognize that this is NOT right & you see it as a problem. If you didn't see this as a problem, you would not be able to fix it. You have the opportunity right now to break this cycle of abuse. You deserve better. Although you may have a hard time believing it - you have to believe it & tell yourself everyday. You are not only doing this for you but also for your children. 

When you are so used of putting others 1st & not taking care of you this seems like a difficult task. But once you starting taking care of yourself, you will feel better, stronger and will know you can do this on your own. It will not be an easy road but with perserverence & determination you can do it.


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