# Talk some sense into me



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I've been doing really good, at keeping him at arms length. We both signed the divorce papers last week and the lawyer is filing them on her next trip to courthouse next Tuesday. They will be finalized that day as long as a judge is there to sign them, its election day for some parts of the country and she said sometimes that makes judges scare. But she has a hearing for something else that day, so I'm guessing there will be a judge around. We could have had it filed the day after signing, but it wouldn't have given him much time to find health insurance and he has medical conditions so I just couldn't see doing that. So finalizing November 3rd gives him the rest of November to get moved off my insurance and on to his for a qualifying event. 

He's been being very nice to me via text, and came out on Friday with a U-Haul to clean out tools and large items from the garage. He rented a storage unit as his rental house doesn't have enough room to store all the stuff. He made a good dent in it, but didn't take his ADHD medicine so he didn't get as far along with it as he could have. Anyway I let myself get sucked up into his being nice and hung around with him on Saturday night for awhile. 

I know that this was not the right thing to do, he's doing what he wants and talking to who he wants--that I have no idea about. Going to the bar until 2 am one night a week or so he says. I just don't know why I wanted to be close to him and around him. Definitely will be talking with the therapist about this today. I think I may just have to go no contact at all for awhile, so I don't get sucked back in when I think I am seeing some small changes in him.


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## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

Ok the counselor really helped put things into focus, reminding me how long I had been working toward ending this relationship. And that by doing this I was just falling back into the same patterns as before. He said I have to set boundaries, and for awhile that mean not being around him or talking to him. His example was when you are on a diet and not having the food you love in the house where it is easy to get to and eat.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Yes, it's true to set boundaries. My XH and I used to be around each other all the time, although we had a weird divorce. I realized though that the ONLY way I was going to accept it and move on, was to not see him unless absolutely necessary. And even at that point, keep it short and simple.


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## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

I haven't checked to see if you have posted more of your story, so maybe everything I'm about to say can be thrown out the window.

I've gotten a wide range of "advice" concerning how I should handle the situation between my wife and I. We've been separated for a year after she left me due to my EA and a history of being untrustworthy and having a wandering eye (amongst other things like alcohol abuse, psychiatric problems, etc...).

We've remained in pretty close contact, have gone on dates, been intimate and our future is still uncertain. We live in different cities and there is definitely a high level of anxiety for me regarding the possibility of her dating and the like.

HOWEVER, no one knows what I feel during the day better than I do. No one knows how much I want to reconnect and rebuild with my wife more than I do. No one knows the extremes I am willing to navigate more than I do. In the end, advice is just that: an opinion given based on a finite amount of information and void of the emotions you experience. 

I wouldn't lie to yourself and say "I just don't know why I wanted to be close to him and around him". Because I believe you do. It's the same reason I want to be around my wife even though I know how alone I will feel when she has to leave. The love I've felt for my wife is the strongest emotion I've ever had for another human being. It's going to take a LONG, long time before anything comes close to overriding that feeling again.

There's probably still a good amount of desire and hope in you that something could be rekindled between the two of you and that a new relationship could be built. That's not something you should let anyone make you to feel bad about. It's natural, and it's there for a reason.

Only you know all of the in's and outs of the situation and whether or not there should be hope of a future. Either way, remaining civil and dare I say "friendly" towards our spouses despite our circumstances seems to be healthy and can prevent us developing dangerous safeguards like anger, hate, and resentfulness.

Here's a good book I've started to read that can help when you want reconciliation or even just a healthier separation/divorce.


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