# Those who moved out of the family home



## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

Hi everyone! 

My husband and I are currently preparing for separation. I will be the one who has to leave the family home. His family owns our house. This is definitely the hardest part of it for me. 

My question is - for those of you who were the ones to move. Did your kids have a harder time adjusting to their time with you? We are doing 50/50 & I’m scared my kids won’t want to be with me because it’s not their “home”. This is the only place they’ve ever known. It’s so depressing and sad.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's not easy, but you can do it. Knowing things are now getting better instead of tragically stagnant is something to hold on to.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

We both lost the home. He when the marriage ended and me a couple of years later because I couldn't afford to pay the mortgage or my solicitors fees unless I sold our home and bought an even smaller house. 

If you have a good relationship with the children I can't see why they wouldn't want to see you. If you can afford it make sure they have their own rooms. Maybe they can choose how they are decorated and what furniture they have, it doesn't have to cost a lot. Just make it a nice place for them to come, sort of like a home from home.

How old are they?


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Sad lonely girl said:


> Hi everyone!
> 
> My husband and I are currently preparing for separation. I will be the one who has to leave the family home. His family owns our house. This is definitely the hardest part of it for me.
> 
> My question is - for those of you who were the ones to move. Did your kids have a harder time adjusting to their time with you? We are doing 50/50 & I’m scared my kids won’t want to be with me because it’s not their “home”. This is the only place they’ve ever known. It’s so depressing and sad.


When i separated i left the house but my ex Works and can't be with her so my mom would watch her during those hours and since i am a realtor my hours are Very flexible. It wasn't even a month and my baby Just wanted to be with me. We eventually got back together but as of this day i broke up with her. I imagined the same Pattern Will repeat. Anyway, the importante part is to make sure they até happy, they should be the Focus, not who gets more time.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

I am an 1st generation immigrant man (so no family to help and practically no close friends, my mom and dad died in 2021 11 months apart) going through dissolution (amicable divorce?) after 20-years of marriage and I have known my stbx for 24-years. This was my wife's second marriage. We have a son (he is 30-years old now) from her 1st marriage and we have a daughter who is going to be 18 in a few months, but she still has 4-to-5 years to finish college and we are planning to support her. 

My wife and daughter want the house. So I am moving out.

The house is pretty much the only major investment we have. With college expenses coming up, I don't think my wife would be able to manage loans/mortgage to buy me out. So for now, we are planning to put the house in a trust and revisit after my daughter finishes college.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Sad lonely girl said:


> Hi everyone!
> 
> My husband and I are currently preparing for separation. I will be the one who has to leave the family home. His family owns our house. This is definitely the hardest part of it for me.
> 
> My question is - for those of you who were the ones to move. Did your kids have a harder time adjusting to their time with you? We are doing 50/50 & I’m scared my kids won’t want to be with me because it’s not their “home”. This is the only place they’ve ever known. It’s so depressing and sad.


Sorry to hear about your situation -- divorce is a sad situation, but hopefully you are not "lonely" and have some friends or family that you can rely on. From what I have gathered in the past few months is that, fathers (like myself) go through your situation where they have to move out of the house and struggle to connect with children.

How old are your kids? You would have to give us more info so that we can suggest more pertinent resources and tips.

From what I understand, most court systems will grant more time to the mother, when kids are younger. Is that the case for you? Connecting with teenagers is challenging all by itself. Each kid is a bit different but generally they tend to be attached to "things". So think about aspect that they care about and see if you can focus on them. For example, my daughter (will be 18-years old soon) is very attached to her pet cat -- so my stbx does not allow me to care for the cat so that my stbx gets more interaction and time with my daughter and it seems to work well. Of course, I try other things to connect like helping with homework or chores around the house (I was the only one to clean and maintain my house for the past 20 years and now I get kicked out) etc. which marginally helps (because those aren't the things my daughter really cares about) 

Keeping in mind kids sleep 8-hours a day and are at school another 8-hours there isn't that much awake time they have. So think about aspects that your kids love, can bond together on, and focus on those, for example:

Are there pets that you can take custody of? If not, maybe adopt a low-overhead pet (cats are way easier than dogs -- we have both) to add to your family and that may help. Pets give unconditional love and they can bring some solace during this trying time (I rely on my 9-year old dog for affection as he hangs out with me when I am home. I finally realize what people mean by "man's best friend")
Are there some activities that you can do or take your kids for interesting classes or sporting activities? Plan your time with the kids around those fun activities. Leave boring stuff like putting to bed, going to school, or helping with homework to their dad (that is what my stbx wife did and it works great).
Are there some toys (say xbox, switch) that they love playing with that you can take to your new house?
Do they have a favorite bed or pillows that you can take, so that when they spent time with you they feel "at home"?
Setting up their own rooms will attract them to spend more time there. But with teenagers it doesn't help much.
See if you can volunteer at your student's school for proctoring lunch or organizing class activities etc. This would be a good way to spend productive time with your kids and be involved in their lives.
Are you kids close with your parents? If so, grandparents time can be at your house and that makes it fun for everyone.
Maybe doing movie evenings (with pizza or snacks) each week would be fun for the kids.
Some kids respond well to gardening (indoor pots work well too) -- they need to come over to take care of plants or trees and that might help.
When your kids are over start the day with a routine -- cook breakfast (eggs, pancakes, french toast, etc.) for your kids every day (with a small fun thing such as new jam each week or mini jam bottles so they get new jam each day for their toast) -- it may appear your kids don't care much about breakfast, but there is some psychological connection that happens when you cook and feed your kids 1st thing in the morning.
The above are all suggestions from a 46-year old man who has been endlessly trying to connect with his kids for the past 25 years, albeit with limited success. Maybe the ladies in this group would have better suggestions.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Sad lonely girl said:


> Hi everyone!
> 
> My husband and I are currently preparing for separation. I will be the one who has to leave the family home. His family owns our house. This is definitely the hardest part of it for me.
> 
> My question is - for those of you who were the ones to move. Did your kids have a harder time adjusting to their time with you? We are doing 50/50 & I’m scared my kids won’t want to be with me because it’s not their “home”. This is the only place they’ve ever known. It’s so depressing and sad.


I moved out of the marital home because we were selling it. What's funny is that we owned a home we all LOVED and one day my H came home and literally announced he had purchased another home and we were moving. We hadn't talked about moving. We hadn't talked about purchasing another home. We did look at the house together. He just bought it and made us move to it. It was a HUGE house (4000 sqft) and it was in the neighborhood that had the right "image" he wanted, but the kids and I weren't included or consulted at all, and it was far away from their school and their friends. 

Anyway, we were divorcing and selling the big old house, and the kids were "older elementary school" age. So I decided to hold "a family meeting" with them and told them we would have to move to a new place because of the divorce...BUT that we were meeting today to talk over what we all wanted in our new house. We wrote a list of what was important to us and what was NOT...what was priority and what was "wish list"...etc. We decided we each wanted to be able to have our own space (like our own bedroom), and it had to be a place where we could keep our pets (we had enough loss and change--didn't want to lose them too). The kids said they would like a swimming pool but it could be "close by" and not in our yard, so to speak. And they thought it would be nice to be near their school and/or friends so they could at least have friends over, etc. Sooooo... I found a few properties and took the kids with me when looking at them with the realtor. Then, we "voted" although I let them know that I had to deciding vote  We found a place--a townhouse--that had large two bedrooms upstairs and a finished bedroom in the basement downstairs. We could keep our two dogs. They had a community pool that was shared. And it was 1 mile from their school, so they could ride bikes to school or to their friends' houses. It met all our criteria! So we all agreed on it and WE chose OUR HOME together.

That way the children felt they had a say in where they were going to be. And I think that meant a lot to them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think it depends how radically it changes their environment but since it's 50/50 custody and they'll be at the old place and the new place, I think it will work out all right. 

When my parents almost divorced was before the time when men would get joint custody, and she wanted to move off of our acreage and into a tract home edition. I had horses and motorcycles and they were my outlet, so I wasn't about to leave the acreage, so my poor mom decided not to divorce yet, which I feel bad about. But it's like she hadn't thought about that at all. My whole life besides school was being out in the country with my animals and stuff..


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

Thank you all for the replies. It’s interesting to hear the feedback

My kids are young .. 5 and 7. I just feel sick over leaving the home they grew up in. I don’t want them to feel like im abandoning them even though we will be doing 50/50


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