# Is this possible ?



## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

Do some of them actually realize what they've lost even though they were "so in love" with the other person for a while or even had several relationships in between?
Even though they said things like "...when you're dating again..." or "You will find someone else" do some of them want their spouses or ex spouses back one day?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

The statistics on affair relationships working out are abysmal. The fog eventually lifts, or it doesn't. Sometimes the WS has too much pride or is too selfish to own the reality of what they did and will never look back, choosing to forever have their heads up their own....... sand... Some will realize, but be too scared to act, to scared of the "punishment" or the "work" it takes to forgive themselves and be forgiven. Some do, eventually, want their steady spouse back, but its for selfish reasons. The ones tha really want to work are rare.

Look at all the posts in CWI, and count how many hit true R. 

And this forum has better numbers than most in that regard.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

A lot of them will, but you'll never find out about it.
A guy I used to work with some years ago once told me that he'd had a drunken ONS in his early twenties. This swiftly led to his divorce. He was in his late thirties when I was working with him and he was internally miserable, especially after a drink, always bemoaning his 'stupidity' as he called it. It was his biggest mistake, biggest regret, the most stupid thing he'd ever done. If he could turn back the clock etc... It would pour out of him.
But he would never tell his ex that as she would only tell him that he deserved it.
His life is dictated my that night - she has moved on, remarried, children etc.
Yes, they can realise what tey've lost - they can realise it all, but you may not find out about it.
And by the time they do realise it, you may not care anyway.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Paladin---those stats---97% of adulturous hook-ups---FAIL


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Numb-badger said:


> A lot of them will, but you'll never find out about it.
> A guy I used to work with some years ago once told me that he'd had a drunken ONS in his early twenties. This swiftly led to his divorce. He was in his late thirties when I was working with him and he was internally miserable, especially after a drink, always bemoaning his 'stupidity' as he called it. It was his biggest mistake, biggest regret, the most stupid thing he'd ever done. If he could turn back the clock etc... It would pour out of him.
> But he would never tell his ex that as she would only tell him that he deserved it.
> His life is dictated my that night - she has moved on, remarried, children etc.
> ...


Good insight, great signature.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You practice anything long enough and with enough passion, you will become incredibly skilled at it. Rationalizing is no exception. They have a whole toolbox full of cliches and storylines to help them sleep.

Of course most still feel deep shame and regret. But, people will very seldom talk about that. When they do it's to a very select person or group of people. Considering they have likely surrounded themselves with toxic people who don't disagree with, or even helped enable them to begin with... When the pain of regret starts burning too hot, they have ready made fire extingushers to put out that pesky fire. Then of course they have facebook to fall back on. lol. 

wash, rinse, repeat.... wash, rinse, repeat.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

When a problem arises it can only appear before you. If you deal with it, it's done and you can move on.
If you don't deal with it and turn your back on it the problem is still going to be there. If you refuse to deal with any problems, you will soon have a queue of issues that are bursting for resolution.
This is why these people often go through life moaning that trouble follows them wherever they go. 
Trouble can only follow if you have your back to it and ignore it.
And cheaters are not known for dealing with issues properly....


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

A few years after getting together with my ex, somehow the light switched off for intimacy. In comparison to the limerance it was a drastic change. Long periods of time went by, and I was constantly around women in the band situation, so snatch was everywhere. 
Sometimes I felt like I imagine some cheaters feel when they actually are faced with that problem and feel such resentment and rejection from it, that someone else's attention towards them is overwhelming. But crossing that line,,, thats the clinch.
I guess I could take some blame for not being more aggressive towards trying to get to the heart of the problem with my wife at the time, and working those issues out, but that was a communication problem that existed in tandem with everything else.
I remember many nights laying down in bed and staring at my wife's back, or worse, a row of pillows she says were for her sleeping comfort, but conveniently provided a barrier towards any advance.
I dont know. I failed at being active towards dealing with issues properly, then over time the marriage just became like paint on the wall, it was there.


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