# H says I'm "oversensitive"



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

H has a very dry sense of humor. I have told him before that when he's joking, he sounds mean. The jokes seem to be typically negative and aimed at me in some way. I've come a long way understanding this, and joking back with him as much as I can. But last night, when I couldn't handle something he said, I told him and he immediately made another "joke" that was a rude comment in response to what I said. I told him I don't like it when his jokes are mean, and he said I was being "oversensitive." I said "OK, well it feels as though you're disregarding my feelings and just labeling it as oversensitive." He said "no, you're just being oversensitive." What constitutes oversensitive anyway? If my feelings are hurt and I tell you and you hurt them again immediately, then how am I being oversensitive? How can a person say they have any regard for my feelings when they act that way? I feel like instead of caring about my feelings, he's putting a label on me so that he can disregard it. So frustrating!


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You have that figured out. As long as he can put the issue on your shoulders, or blame you, he then has no responsibility. he does not want to owe his actions so he instead blames you. Yes, when you tell someone that they have hurt you, it is only rightful for the other person to try and figure out what he/she did that caused that pain. Unfortunately, if you think about it, it doesn't happen many times. When someone tells another person that their feelings are hurt....what is the response? Defense. And why? The very reason mentioned before. If they can deny it in their head and turn the blame towards you, they do not have to look at themselves or anything they did.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Give some examples.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oversensitive is the word that INSENSITIVE jerks use to label people so that they can continue to be insensitive jerks!


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

He's out of order.

Not being very sensitive to your feelings is one thing, but when he has been told you feel hurt and he immediately hurts you again that shows no consideration for you at all.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Well turnera...Things like, we'll joke back and forth, and I'll say something silly trying to make him laugh and he'll say "wow. whatever you just said right there was real stupid. (said 'jokingly')" He KNOWS i'm intelligent, but likes to joke that I'm not, especially when I'm acting silly/goofy. Then I come back with a laugh and say "got you laughing, didn't I?" That's the banter, back and forth. I have forced myself over the last three years to play off of it instead of being hurt by it. Truth is, I can't even remember what he said last night that got me to say hey you're being mean. But when he went immediately on the defensive and turned it around and made it my fault, THAT'S the problem. I know I can take a joke, I field them constantly, because everything's a joke to him. He makes fun of where I'm from, since it's a "*******" state. So, every time I do something wrong or mess up, he makes fun of my hometown/state. Like, "wow they must not have taught that at so-and-so high school." It gets OLD, but I know that's what's funny to him. 
My point is that if you're hurting your partner's feelings, those are their feelings and their feelings aren't wrong. It's not like I cry every day when he makes fun of something I do or where I'm from. But if I have to take it continually and can't even tell him when he's crossed the line without it being MY fault, then why should I bother putting up with it all the time?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Write out here the words he has used to describe you.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

turnera said:


> Write out here the words he has used to describe you.


Hmmm....I can only think of a few at the moment. My memory is pretty crummy. 

Oversensitive-used any time I get my feelings hurt.
PMS'ing...as in "WOW, you're obviously PMS'ing."
B!tchy
Hateful
Psychotic 
Dumb/Stupid ('jokingly')
Ungrateful


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok. Go get this book and read it asap, then you'll understand what's going on:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books

It's the bible for people in your situation.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I was in a relationship with this guy, too! 

They always say you are being sensitive so they don't have to acknowledge the fact that you are correct in thinking they are saying something mean/wrong/rude. Deflecting the blame. Saying you are stupid/b!tchy, and so and on so on. Joke always at your expense. 

People who care about you don't do things like this. They realize they have hurt you and stop the behavior. 

It got really old in my situation and I dumped him.

Does he do it in public, too? 

I am guessing he probably tells you that other things that are important to you really aren't important at all and downplays them. 

Wild guess.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

For the record, he's supposed to be making an appointment for us to go to counseling. He has a list of approved providers on our insurance, provided to him by me, (weeks ago) and just will not bother with making the appointment. I've discussed this in other threads... He doesn't want ME to make the appointment because his work schedule is "challenging." (He works 10-6 with some random evening phonecalls. Says that if I make an appointment he can't "guarantee" that he'll be there.) So, yes I know this is just him being controlling, and I know he's an angry person too (read my post about that one.) I know in my heart that nothing will even begin to be fixed until he makes that appointment. Goodness knows I can't fix him, and I don't try to.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I was in a relationship with this guy, too!
> 
> They always say you are being sensitive so they don't have to acknowledge the fact that you are correct in thinking they are saying something mean/wrong/rude. Deflecting the blame. Saying you are stupid/b!tchy, and so and on so on. Joke always at your expense.
> 
> ...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> I know in my heart that nothing will even begin to be fixed until he makes that appointment.


No, nothing will begin to be fixed until you stop accepting the behavior.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

turnera said:


> No, nothing will begin to be fixed until you stop accepting the behavior.


So, what do I do? I didn't accept his behavior last night and look where it got me. Every single time I speak up, I'm the crazy one.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You just need to put your foot down and tell him "When you do/say XYZ, it really hurts my hurts my feelings. When you downplay my feelings, it makes me feel like you don't care/unloved. I am your wife and I deserve to be treated better and spoken to respectfully. I do not think you understand how much this hurts me. Please recognize that it does. This isn't about being overly sensitive. It's about me feeling mistreated." 

Either he will acknowledge and stop the behavior or he won't. If he won't, ten you need to figure out if you wanna stay like this int he status quo.

Counselling--your idea or his?

Most guys like this don't want to do counselling cause they think YOU have the problem and don't want to face it. Also, they believe their behavior is totally normal/acceptable.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Counselling--your idea or his?
> 
> Most guys like this don't want to do counselling cause they think YOU have the problem and don't want to face it. Also, they believe their behavior is totally normal/acceptable.


Counseling is my idea, but he admits to knowing we need to go. EVERY time I speak about it, he's "just not had time, and will make the appointment asap." Then he doesn't follow through. 

I guess I just need to make an appointment and tell him when it is, but I know there will be a huge fight over his loss of control if I do that. Everything's a fight.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long married? Ages? Kids?


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Married 3 1/2 years. Both 37, no kids (he can't have them) and I'm his third marriage...sigh. LOL
And my second marriage. I divorced a real creep after 14 years of not knowing any better, we were high school sweethearts.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why did his other marriages end? Does he ever say nice things about his ex-wives? Have you spoken to them? Relationship with his mother-what's that like?

Was your ex husband anything like him (do you see a similarity in personalities).


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> So, what do I do? I didn't accept his behavior last night and look where it got me. Every single time I speak up, I'm the crazy one.


So? Those are just words.

And if he ramps it up to MORE than just words, YOU LEAVE.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> Everything's a fight.


And you stay...because?

If you worked a job where every conversation with your coworker was a fight, would you stay? If you lived with your parents where every conversation was a fight, would you stay?

Of course not. Then why do you deserve to be belittled, hurt, and abused by HIM?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, I'll tell you ahead of time what your response is probably going to be: I stay because I don't want to say I messed up another marriage. Close?


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hmm, let's see...
His first marriage ended because she not only took no sh**, she was angry and controlling like he is. They butted heads all the time because she never gave in. Second was the old "we were best friends and got married thinking that was enough." Personally I think he's terrified of being alone. I don't really know either of them, except that they are cordial with each other now. 

My ex was a manipulator, emotional abuser extraordinaire, borderline physical abuser at the end. I fear that I have repeated my mistake, and I only have myself to thank for that LOL


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

People who choose abusive partners almost always do so because of some dysfunction in their upbringing. And they almost always seek out OTHER abusive partners if they get brave enough to dump the first one. Unless they waited in between while they got lots of good IC to figure out how to stop choosing the losers.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

turnera, I certainly don't want to have another failed marriage, that's for sure..most people don't. But I also know that you can live a long time staying married to someone and still it's a failed marriage.
My biggest reason for not walking is that I love him. I need to ask myself WHY, but I still have those feelings.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What, exactly, do you love about him?


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

turnera said:


> What, exactly, do you love about him?


Thanks for all the thought provoking advice, it is a good kick in the pants 

I'm going to decline to answer that question, but I do have pen and paper in front of my trying to make a list. Let's just say you really REALLY got me thinking. :scratchhead:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I just know from a decade or two of doing this that, very often, our first kneejerk reaction to the thought of any change (separation, divorce, standing up to a spouse) is to say 'but I LOVE him/her' - meaning I just 'can't' rock the boat. But usually, it's not because of some illusory real love so much as YOUR inner feelings, which themselves are usually something to do with fear - fear of being alone, fear of being judged, fear of the spouse's anger or actions, fear of the unknown, fear of being so inferior that no one ELSE will ever choose us. Rarely really about not wanting to be away from that person, so much as not wanting to feel those fears come true.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

I know that a lot of the things you've said ring true for me. Fear is a big part in not wanting to leave someone. I'm loyal to a fault, also. Took me 14 years to leave the first one, I thought that would be the end of the world, but it wasn't. I am scared of being on my own, but I am pretty sure I would be a lot happier. Frustrating though...I know you can't change a person and you can't even make them *want* to change.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oddly enough, the one thing that DOES have a chance of waking up your spouse and getting him to want to change (albeit a small chance) is, in fact, you leaving him.

I tried for 30 years, and it wasn't until I finally gave up and said 'I'm not making plans to move out unless you start going to IC. I don't care if you go or not, because if you don't, I'll be gone and I'll still be happier than I am now.' Suddenly, he was like of course I'll go.


----------



## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

Your H sounds like my fiance. Everytime I have any sort of feeling about something that he disagrees with, I'm "too sensitive." His family members and friends have said things to me that I found offensive and I was "too sensitive" when I expressed that they hurt me.

Sometimes, maybe I am taking things too seriously, but how can it be every single time?

I don't find a joke about you being "stupid" or "b*tchy" to be funny, and I don't think you are being "over sensitive."


----------



## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

turnera said:


> So? Those are just words.


It's never "just words." Words can hurt and do a lot of damage to a person's self esteem and their relationship.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MaBi123...send your fiance this article:

On Labeling Women "Crazy" | Paging Dr. NerdLove

("too sensitive" is just another way to say "you're crazy")


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

In my experience, I'm only sensitive to jokes like that when I think the joker believes there is truth to what he's saying. If I know they don't believe that at all, then it's funny, but if he says I'm being spoiled and we've argued about how I expect too much, then it's NOT a joke, but a jab. To figure out if I am being too sensitive, I'll usually ask myself, "Would another reasonable person have a different reaction than I'm having?" 

What to do about it? Well, you go on to say: 




hopelessromantic1 said:


> For the record, he's supposed to be making an appointment for us to go to counseling.... and just will not bother with making the appointment. He doesn't want ME to make the appointment because his work schedule is "challenging." Goodness knows I can't fix him, and I don't try to.





hopelessromantic1 said:


> So, what do I do? I didn't accept his behavior last night and look where it got me. Every single time I speak up, I'm the crazy one.


He's making excuses and being avoidant. If HE thought it was the most important thing in the world to improve his relationship with you, I guarantee he'd find a way to make time for counseling. But by being avoidant, he protects himself from possible criticism and protects his "right" to be mean to you. He is in a position of power and doesn't want to give that up because it's comfortable and familiar. 

And yes, you DO accept his behavior, including "last night." You might be talking, complaining, and arguing about it, but you're still participating. It's like telling a kid to clean his room. He might scream and yell at you, but it doesn't mean you'll say, "Ok, you don't have to since you don't like it." You're that kid... he's saying "I'm going to treat you badly." You might scream and yell, but he's NOT changing his stance. 

If you want the situation to change, you have to reverse the roles. You have to be the one to institute consequences that he cannot avoid. What consequences will be "bad enough" to make him WANT to change himself? I don't know, you don't know, and he doesn't know. Some people will never respond. But IF they face a crisis that makes them BELIEVE deep in their hearts that they can NEVER do X again, then it's just that quick... they change and they don't go back to the old behaviors. If the crisis is not THAT big, they might change briefly, but eventually will test the waters again and try to return things to the status quo that they liked in the first place. 

You'll need to give some thought to how you can make that crisis happen if you want change to take place.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MaBi123 said:


> It's never "just words." Words can hurt and do a lot of damage to a person's self esteem and their relationship.


Yes, and you are supposed to walk away from a person who uses such words if you can't handle them. IF you have a healthy self esteem to begin with, you would never stay for the second delivery.


----------



## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Unfortunately, you are only getting good advice from women. 

There are always two sides to the story. Lets be honest here, women and men are completely different and they think/express themselves completely different from one another. Women can take the tiniest thing possible and blow it up into the end of the world. Thousands and thousands of good men will call a women oversensitive because lets be real.. they really are. And if they don't say it your face, there buddies know all about it.

Women like my mother and my girl.. are the tough type. You can call them crazy, oversensitive, nuts, etc and they won't care. It doesn't bother them.. the have other sh*t to worry about. But the women who are insecure, have an ego, etc etc.. they are normally the ones to be bothered.

Also, men like having control in the relationship. There are just way to f*cking much stories about how wives cheat on nice guys or when they are the ones in control. However, some guys do take it to far.

It seems to me as you two have a lot more problems then he said/she said. You need to work on this marriage if you do not want to be miserable; but more importantly, you need to work on yourself. Why is it that words hurt you notwithstanding whom they come from?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> some guys do take it to far


And some guys call their wives fat, lazy, stupid, and a b*tch. Are THEY just misunderstood? Are THOSE wives just being oversensitive?


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Kathy, you hit on so many points that are SO true. I tell you what though, for him I know the "crisis" would be me saying "ok I'm leaving." And I'm scared to take myself to that place, because at this point, if I have to say it, I may do just that. Leave. 

He is a lazy lazy partner. I feel like he will just continue to go through life arguing, making up, and forgetting about what he's promised and just sweeping it under the rug until the next time. I can see it's clearly all in my hands as to how to move forward. 

I worry that he doesn't even really know how to love. Parents were (and still are) crappy and his miserable childhood didn't teach him a thing about having a good relationship...Two wives who didn't have the desire to try to have a good relationship because they were too much like him...I don't think he's ever HAD a good relationship or learned HOW to have one. I feel like counseling is the only hope for him not to have a third ex-wife. I'm making the appointment, and if he doesn't "have time" to go, then that's going to be his choice.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

wise said:


> Unfortunately, you are only getting good advice from women.
> 
> There are always two sides to the story. Lets be honest here, women and men are completely different and they think/express themselves completely different from one another. Women can take the tiniest thing possible and blow it up into the end of the world. Thousands and thousands of good men will call a women oversensitive because lets be real.. they really are. And if they don't say it your face, there buddies know all about it.
> 
> ...


Wow, this is a pretty biased post! For the record, if you've ever seen those tests on male/female brains, mine is thoroughly male. I simply do not think like the stereotypical female. 

That doesn't mean that I'm immune to hurt, though, and no woman or man should be tolerant of the kinds of things he's "joking" with her about. If you call your wife those things and she is ok with it, then it's only because you think it's absurd that she'd "really" be those things, because if you BELIEVE she's a B**** and say so, I guarantee you that even if she's laughing it off, she has a different thought going on about the event than "hahaha."


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

wise said:


> Unfortunately, you are only getting good advice from women.
> 
> There are always two sides to the story. Lets be honest here, women and men are completely different and they think/express themselves completely different from one another. Women can take the tiniest thing possible and blow it up into the end of the world. Thousands and thousands of good men will call a women oversensitive because lets be real.. they really are. And if they don't say it your face, there buddies know all about it.
> 
> ...


I'd gladly agree with you if it weren't for the fact that I know that I'm able to take his jokes or jabs left and right all the time, unless they're just flat out mean. I look back into my first marriage and can see that I was oversensitive then, but this isn't the case here.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> Kathy, you hit on so many points that are SO true. I tell you what though, for him I know the "crisis" would be me saying "ok I'm leaving." And I'm scared to take myself to that place, because at this point, if I have to say it, I may do just that. Leave.
> 
> *Well, if you really want change, the best chance at getting it may be to leave temporarily... until you see that there are REAL signs of change. *
> 
> ...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

At least if you go without him, the therapist will try to help you see you should stop putting up with his bullshyte.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

turnera said:


> At least if you go without him, the therapist will try to help you see you should stop putting up with his bullshyte.


This is exactly what I thought....If I have to go alone, I'll go in there and be honest and see what kind of feedback I get. I'm thinking if I make the appointment though, he'll go. Either way, I'm at the point where if he doesn't start doing the work, there will be consequences.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> Well turnera...Things like, we'll joke back and forth, and I'll say something silly trying to make him laugh and he'll say "wow. whatever you just said right there was real stupid. (said 'jokingly')" He KNOWS i'm intelligent, but likes to joke that I'm not, especially when I'm acting silly/goofy. Then I come back with a laugh and say "got you laughing, didn't I?" That's the banter, back and forth. I have forced myself over the last three years to play off of it instead of being hurt by it. Truth is, I can't even remember what he said last night that got me to say hey you're being mean. But when he went immediately on the defensive and turned it around and made it my fault, THAT'S the problem. I know I can take a joke, I field them constantly, because everything's a joke to him. He makes fun of where I'm from, since it's a "*******" state. So, every time I do something wrong or mess up, he makes fun of my hometown/state. Like, "wow they must not have taught that at so-and-so high school." It gets OLD, but I know that's what's funny to him.
> My point is that if you're hurting your partner's feelings, those are their feelings and their feelings aren't wrong. It's not like I cry every day when he makes fun of something I do or where I'm from. But if I have to take it continually and can't even tell him when he's crossed the line without it being MY fault, then why should I bother putting up with it all the time?


What you describe sounds very similar to my STBXH. Our relationship from day one was pretty much a comedy routine. Lots of banter, lots of jokes and then.......well then the joke would get taken over the line and become mean.

I also got picked on in regard to my (very small) ethnic background. My mother, who he loathes, was the butt of every joke, at every party, in front of people who never even met her. It was embarrassing and awful. He wouldn't stop.

After a while, what used to be funny to me was not funny at all. Just plain mean. If I got angry or defensive, I was called crazy, nuts or psycho.

Be careful here. I think getting into IC or MC as soon as possible is a good idea. By the time we went, it was way too late to fix. Keep us posted on how it all goes and good luck.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LIMBOLADY said:


> What you describe sounds very similar to my STBXH. Our relationship from day one was pretty much a comedy routine. Lots of banter, lots of jokes and then.......well then the joke would get taken over the line and become mean.
> 
> I also got picked on in regard to my (very small) ethnic background. My mother, who he loathes, was the butt of every joke, at every party, in front of people who never even met her. It was embarrassing and awful. He wouldn't stop.




Gosh that sounds awful. Nobody messes with my Momma! Lol. Seriously, I will fight anyone who talks smack about her. Joking, but not really. That is the one line that is never to be crossed. 

So did you guys divorce?


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Gosh that sounds awful. Nobody messes with my Momma! Lol. Seriously, I will fight anyone who talks smack about her. Joking, but not really. That is the one line that is never to be crossed.
> 
> So did you guys divorce?


My mother has OCD (very serious OCD) and refuses to acknowledge it or get treatment for it. That being said, she has a very good heart and did ALOT for us and would do anything for anyone. However, her OCD drove him insane. He could not deal with her at all and was just as mean to her in person as he was when she wasn't around. Thinking back on it now, I don't know why I put up with it for so long.

Anyway, we are not divorced yet. We are separated. We can't divorce until the end of April (state law) and there will not be a reconciliation.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

LIMBOLADY said:


> My mother has OCD (very serious OCD) and refuses to acknowledge it or get treatment for it. That being said, she has a very good heart and did ALOT for us and would do anything for anyone. However, her OCD drove him insane. He could not deal with her at all and was just as mean to her in person as he was when she wasn't around. Thinking back on it now, I don't know why I put up with it for so long.
> 
> Anyway, we are not divorced yet. We are separated. We can't divorce until the end of April (state law) and there will not be a reconciliation.


I'm so sorry, that's so sad. Probably best for you, what if something bad happened or you became ill, and he has no tolerance for it? What you said about how long you put up with it...we are always the last ones to see clearly what we are in the middle of. Good luck to you!


----------



## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Let's not question what I was saying. Don't get me wrong; any man calling his wife a b*tch deserves to be slapped.. but oversensitive? I think not.

Growing up, your average male (NOT EVERYONE) tries to act tough. We make fun of each other, we call each other out, we fight - but then we get over it the next day. We handled it as men. It's not easy to put guys with that kind of mentality with women. Your average lady (NOT EVERYONE) does blow things out of context, is insecure, etc. One minute, the guy and the girl are talking, and the next minute, she gets offended and blows it up to this whole big issue. Guys who call guys other names (get pissed or w/e) but it ends there and that's how we think. So when a woman can't just 'drop it' already, out comes the oversensitive terms. Then that alone creates more drama till your head explodes.

If it was up to the average guy, we'd make fun of each other - get pissed - fight it out - and be done with it. With women, it's not so easy. The minute something jumps at her that she doesn't like, she flips, regardless of how little it is. 

At the end of the day, everyone has faults. Besides cheating, physical abuse, and being lied to - if you can write down on a paper why you love your spouse and the positives do NOT outweigh the negatives.. then you have problems. 

But listen.. if all your spouse does is call you oversensitive, crazy, etc.. you have it A LOT better than alot of other spouses.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

wise said:


> Let's not question what I was saying. Don't get me wrong; any man calling his wife a b*tch deserves to be slapped.. but oversensitive? I think not.
> 
> Growing up, your average male (NOT EVERYONE) tries to act tough. We make fun of each other, we call each other out, we fight - but then we get over it the next day. We handled it as men. It's not easy to put guys with that kind of mentality with women. Your average lady (NOT EVERYONE) does blow things out of context, is insecure, etc. One minute, the guy and the girl are talking, and the next minute, she gets offended and blows it up to this whole big issue. Guys who call guys other names (get pissed or w/e) but it ends there and that's how we think. So when a woman can't just 'drop it' already, out comes the oversensitive terms. Then that alone creates more drama till your head explodes.
> 
> ...


I'm thankful not all men think the way you do.


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

wise said:


> But listen.. if all your spouse does is call you oversensitive, crazy, etc.. you have it A LOT better than alot of other spouses.


Oh absolutely. As long as he's not hitting me! I should be thankful that I have a husband who only uses emotional abuse. 

:rofl:


----------



## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

> I'm thankful not all men think the way you do.


And what do these men possess then that's perfect? They just take it in the a*s and keep their mouth shut? They just amend to every single given emotion you have? You guys talk it out? 

You know how many men I know that DO NOT tell their wives that they are oversensitive; instead, they subjectively think it just so keep the peace so the argument will end there and not just keep escalating? 

I mean, god forbid, a guy who works, jokes with you, is faithful, loyal, doesn't lie, takes charge, etc calls you oversensitive and that's all it takes - it becomes emotional abuse now.

You can't win.. it's almost like, you minus well just cheat.. because women will look for just about ANYTHING to throw in your face, regardless of how good you are.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

wise said:


> And what do these men possess then that's perfect? They just take it in the a*s and keep their mouth shut? They just amend to every single given emotion you have? You guys talk it out?
> 
> You know how many men I know that DO NOT tell their wives that they are oversensitive; instead, they subjectively think it just so keep the peace so the argument will end there and not just keep escalating?
> 
> ...


It seems like you are taking this a bit personally. OP did not just say that was the ONLY thing he said to her. I think OP also mentioned that he calls her dumb/stupid, makes fun of where she is from and completely disregards her when she asks him to stop.

That is not a HEALTHY relationship! Most couples have joking banter from time to time but when it is a constant and the main form of communication between the two, that is a problem.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Your husband is hiding his anger and abuse under the guise of "humor". 

Then when you actually feel his anger and abuse come through so it affects you..he says you're oversensitive.

How about he changes how he "jokes" with you. It's NEVER under any circumstance alright to insult your spouse. I NEVER use the words like "stupid" to deal with something my wife has done. My wife did it twice early on and the behavior changed dramatically when her complaint INSTANTLY stopped after the word dumb or stupid came out of her mouth (and she wasn't even describing me but my decision/action etc)


----------



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

wise said:


> And what do these men possess then that's perfect? They just take it in the a*s and keep their mouth shut? They just amend to every single given emotion you have? You guys talk it out?
> 
> You know how many men I know that DO NOT tell their wives that they are oversensitive; instead, they subjectively think it just so keep the peace so the argument will end there and not just keep escalating?
> 
> ...


Who ever said that this was my only issue with him? This is just the latest thing, read my other posts, read my other threads, I have a LOT on my plate with this man. I'm not some dumb cry baby who runs to TAM just because her husband made her sad one time.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

wise said:


> And what do these men possess then that's perfect? They just take it in the a*s and keep their mouth shut? They just amend to every single given emotion you have? You guys talk it out?
> 
> You know how many men I know that DO NOT tell their wives that they are oversensitive; instead, they subjectively think it just so keep the peace so the argument will end there and not just keep escalating?
> 
> ...


I think in your case, you are better off staying single and sticking with ONSs. I can only assume you have been burned in the past. You seem bitter.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Hubz used to do this quite a bit. I have been labelled "oversensitive" more times thsn I care to remember.

Hubz used to pull the "just joking" card. For him it was a passive-aggressive way of communicating something. I'd blow up, he'd play it down by saying it was a joke, just kidding, don't take things so seriously. At the time I knew it wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on why. Now I know about PA behaviour, it made sense what he was doing.

With hubz, I had a couple of different approaches. The first was when he said something offensive in the guise of a joke, I said, "sorry, what was that? (Pause) It sounded like you were telling me I am stupid/having a cheap dig/etc then covering it up by saying it was a joke? (Major eye contact) If you've got something to say, say it. Otherwise stop making yourself sound like an idiot and just-stop-talking." Then turn round and leave the room. This has got me apologies later on.

The other I saved for major incidences. Stuff like horrible name calling. Face him dead on and calmly say , "what the fvck did you just say? You clearly forgot you are talking to your wife. When you remember what respect is, you can come back and talk properly to me." Exit stage left. That worked because of the sheer shock factor of me swearing at him... I NEVER swear. His face was a picture. YMMV on that one.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> Well turnera...Things like, we'll joke back and forth, and I'll say something silly trying to make him laugh and he'll say "wow. whatever you just said right there was real stupid. (said 'jokingly')" He KNOWS i'm intelligent, but likes to joke that I'm not, especially when I'm acting silly/goofy. Then I come back with a laugh and say "got you laughing, didn't I?" That's the banter, back and forth. I have forced myself over the last three years to play off of it instead of being hurt by it. Truth is, I can't even remember what he said last night that got me to say hey you're being mean. But when he went immediately on the defensive and turned it around and made it my fault, THAT'S the problem. I know I can take a joke, I field them constantly, because everything's a joke to him. He makes fun of where I'm from, since it's a "*******" state. So, every time I do something wrong or mess up, he makes fun of my hometown/state. Like, "wow they must not have taught that at so-and-so high school." It gets OLD, but I know that's what's funny to him.
> My point is that if you're hurting your partner's feelings, those are their feelings and their feelings aren't wrong. It's not like I cry every day when he makes fun of something I do or where I'm from. But if I have to take it continually and can't even tell him when he's crossed the line without it being MY fault, then why should I bother putting up with it all the time?


You are in a relation with a bully.

My wife tells me how I have helped her to become the person she is now.

How is she now? Confident, educated, sexy.

You bet I am enjoying the benefits of that, but I did it because I believe you try to help, build and enjoy eachother.

The cat-dog relationship is just not my thing, although I believe in certain dynamics to keep things fresh.


----------

