# It's so hard to respect my husband when he does stupid stuff!



## themrs

I love my husband very dearly. He's my best friend and I can't imagine life without him. I want to grow old with him.

But sometimes he makes me want to pull my hair out! He does things that are really really stupid and it is very difficult for me to show him respect during those times.

He has made so many mistakes in the past and I know we all make mistakes, but over time I wish he'd learn from them and not make them anymore. He still hasn't learned his lesson and keeps finding himself in the same situations.

I used to fuss and argue with him when he made mistakes because they affect me too. Now, I just don't say anything. I'm tired and I'm losing the fight I once had. It doesn't change anything anyway.

I know he needs my respect MOST during the hard times, but that is when I find it most difficult to give it to him. Why does it seem as if men are weakened by struggles, but women find our strength when times are hardest? 

I'm sorry I'm ranting. I'm really just looking for some tips on what to say when I don't particuarly feel respect for my husband. I still want to show him respect during those times. How do I do it?


----------



## Deejo

Gently put your hands around his neck. Shake him a little bit, and say; "I love you so much when you make good decisions."

Squeeze his adams apple a little bit if you want to ...


----------



## Alexandra

LOL Deejo.... good suggestion.

I once heard that respect is a choice, it doesn't necessarily come from someone doing respectful things. I still can't really wrap my head around that, but it get what the point is.

Respecting your husband is not about agreeing with his choices. It's not about overlooking stupid mistakes. It's about an attitude in your heart that says you believe in him, that says you know he will fall, but you also know he'll pick himself up again. We ALL do stupid things...

Or you could just try the strangling thing


----------



## themrs

Thanks. 

I agree with both of you. Actually Alexandria, I believe everything in life is a choice. 

Yesterday was a hard day. He admitted to me that he feels like he is going to lose me to another man one day. I gave him reassurance that I had no intentions of leaving him even when he made mistakes. I love him.

But I do struggle with having a positive attitude during the times when I just feel like he should know better by now. I'm a work in progress. I guess he is too.


----------



## okeydokie

themrs, do you make mistakes? if yes, does he over look them or obsess about them? are these mistakes he is making really big, or just messing up projects around the house type stuff?

i have struggled with this with my wife. guess what she isnt perfect nor am i. that realization helped me cope better.


----------



## themrs

okeydokie said:


> themrs, do you make mistakes? if yes, does he over look them or obsess about them? are these mistakes he is making really big, or just messing up projects around the house type stuff?
> 
> i have struggled with this with my wife. guess what she isnt perfect nor am i. that realization helped me cope better.


I realize I'm not perfect either. I do make mistakes every day of my life. 

I don't expect my husband to be perfect and he does get better as he gets older. But the mistakes I'm talking about aren't getting paint on the carpet or mixing colors and whites doing laundry. 

I'm talking about big finanacial mistakes that affect me and the children and mess up our plans for the future. Like he'll get a ticket and won't pay for it until he gets a warrent out for his arrest. Then he'll get arrested and has to pay hundreds of dollars to fix something that could have easily been avoided.

It's happened more than once and I shouldn't have to deal with it at all.


----------



## okeydokie

themrs said:


> I realize I'm not perfect either. I do make mistakes every day of my life.
> 
> I don't expect my husband to be perfect and he does get better as he gets older. But the mistakes I'm talking about aren't getting paint on the carpet or mixing colors and whites doing laundry.
> 
> I'm talking about big finanacial mistakes that affect me and the children and mess up our plans for the future. Like he'll get a ticket and won't pay for it until he gets a warrent out for his arrest. Then he'll get arrested and has to pay hundreds of dollars to fix something that could have easily been avoided.
> 
> It's happened more than once and I shouldn't have to deal with it at all.


yeah, ok, that is a dumb mistake. that sounds like someone who just doesnt have their act together. i would be curious to know if you have seen that worsen over the years or was he always like that and just never improved. Attention deficit disorder?


----------



## themrs

okeydokie said:


> yeah, ok, that is a dumb mistake. that sounds like someone who just doesnt have their act together. i would be curious to know if you have seen that worsen over the years or was he always like that and just never improved. Attention deficit disorder?


I have asked him if he thinks he has ADD. He just ignores me.

In general, he gets better. I mean, he used to do things like this ALL THE TIME. Lately, it has been a year but he recently did it again. It drives me absolutely insane. 

Other than this, he's a great guy and of course I love him with all my heart or I wouldn't be putting up with this mess!


----------



## wise12

Themrs: I feel you. I have a husband whose IQ is literally 20 below mine. My son & I laugh a lot on the stupid things he says or do. It's hard, God knows it is VERY VERY hard. It was truly a wrong choice of mate. When I was 22, I was desperate to get away from my abusive, bipolar disorder mom. Now, I'm committed to stay married for the sake of my son. And I talk to psychologist when it's unbearable. Also, I try to tell myself, it could be worse...and try to always counter his bad side by thinking about his good side. What else to do??


----------



## richardsharpe

Good evening themrs
Are all of his mistakes of the forgetful sort - not doing things on time?

If so, maybe you can adjust chores a bit. You deal with bills, paperwork, tickets, etc, and he takes over an equivalent amount of other work around the house.


My wife and I do this task-splitting a lot: She makes a shopping list, I do the shopping. I do the bills, she does the taxes. She cooks, I clean. She keeps track of what needs fixing, I fix stuff. I drive, she navigates. {OK, I guess she does all the stuff that requires thought......}


----------



## happy as a clam

Ummm... what kind of mistakes are we talking about?

Accidentally putting mayo on a ham sandwich when you asked for mustard?

Or forgetting to pay the mortgage for 3 months in a row and you're now facing foreclosure?

Because it makes a BIG difference what you're talking about.

More details, please.


----------



## Holland

That type of mistake would take a huge toll on how I felt about my partner. Financial incompetence is a deal breaker. The type of mistake you are talking about is under 2 categories, financial incompetence and immaturity, both are deal breakers here.
It is understandable that you would lose respect for him when he is incompetent, who needs another child to look after.

Mr H makes lots of silly mistakes and has some very quirky behaviour at times, these things I find endearing. Big difference is that these mistakes do not jeopardise our quality of life and/or living standards. Mind you he makes fewer mistakes than me, most of mine are emotional mistakes.


----------



## richardsharpe

ZOMBIE THREAD
just noticed the 2010 date....


----------



## happy as a clam

richardsharpe said:


> ZOMBIE THREAD
> just noticed the 2010 date....


Wow... we're only *5 years late* to the party!!

Thanks for the heads up, richard.


----------



## SpinDaddy

richardsharpe said:


> ZOMBIE THREAD
> 
> just noticed the 2010 date....





happy as a clam said:


> Wow... we're only *5 years late* to the party!!
> Thanks for the heads up, richard.


*Yeah, but the poster who revived the thread (see below) . . . . this post appears to have really hit home with her and the issues she’s dealing with in her marriage.*



wise12 said:


> Themrs: I feel you. I have a husband whose IQ is literally 20 below mine. My son & I laugh a lot on the stupid things he says or do. It's hard, God knows it is VERY VERY hard. It was truly a wrong choice of mate. When I was 22, I was desperate to get away from my abusive, bipolar disorder mom. Now, I'm committed to stay married for the sake of my son. And I talk to psychologist when it's unbearable. Also, I try to tell myself, it could be worse...and try to always counter his bad side by thinking about his good side. What else to do??


*Perhaps some have thoughts and input to what she’s going through?*


----------



## EleGirl

wise12 said:


> Themrs: I feel you. I have a husband whose IQ is literally 20 below mine. My son & I laugh a lot on the stupid things he says or do. It's hard, God knows it is VERY VERY hard. It was truly a wrong choice of mate. When I was 22, I was desperate to get away from my abusive, bipolar disorder mom. Now, I'm committed to stay married for the sake of my son. And I talk to psychologist when it's unbearable. Also, I try to tell myself, it could be worse...and try to always counter his bad side by thinking about his good side. What else to do??


Wise, this thread is from 2010.... so it's very old. Please start your own thread so that people can give you input and not the person who started this thread 5 years ago.


----------



## homerjay

Is any human being perfect?


----------



## Underwater

Hey girl; I hear your pain because I've been in the same spot for over 16 years and I'm THROUGH. My husband does the same thing with making awful financial decisions. 
Whenever I 'let' him make some of the decisions for us (because I was always taught that the man in the family has the ultimate power), he makes the most TERRIBLE choices and then it ends up costing us a TON of $$$$. I could name multiple times over the years that it's cost us thousands and thousands of dollars because I've let him take the lead . . . we're now at the point where we have NO money in the bank, almost NO money coming in because he's too STUPID to get a steady job, and whenever I say to him "we need $700 to pay the mortgage" or whatever, he just shrugs his shoulders and says "I'm trying". He's been basically UNEMPLOYED or underemployed (and therefore, underpaid) for our entire marriage. He tried starting his own business but that was a total loss all the way around, not to mention so many thousands of dollars gone. We moved cross country because some guy told him that if he showed up there he 'might' be able to find him some work - yeah, right. THAT never happened but still cost us over $5,000, and hubby blamed it on ME! It wasn't MY decision to move cross country! Selective memory as well, that is, IF he can remember anything at all - plus he is super high maintenance and has ADHD and dyslexia. All this time, I've had to work EXTRA HOURS at the job I dislike, just to be able to keep both of us in a home and paying the bills. 
So why haven't I left before this? The dummy ADORES me and relies on me for everything. Nobody in this world has shown me love or attention of any kind before, not even my ex husband who was an abusive nightmare. I grew up with no self esteem or kindness. So even tho my husband is basically BRAIN DEAD most of the time, he is the only one in my life who has shown me any kind of love; that in itself is something I cherished (in the beginning). As years have gone by, however, his faults and deficiencies in EVERY OTHER ASPECT of our lives are deplorable, and I'm totally exhausted from doing everything for both of us. 
At this point, even tho he loves & depends on me for everything and we rarely argue, I simply do not have the strength or the inclination to continue in this marriage when it would mean certain death on my part. Every day I pray to be free of him and I know that is a terrible thing to want.


----------



## Herschel

okeydokie said:


> yeah, ok, that is a dumb mistake. that sounds like someone who just doesnt have their act together. i would be curious to know if you have seen that worsen over the years or was he always like that and just never improved. Attention deficit disorder?


Lol qft


----------



## sokillme

themrs said:


> Why does it seem as if men are weakened by struggles, but women find our strength when times are hardest


You know the wrong men.


----------



## sokillme

themrs said:


> Thanks.
> 
> I agree with both of you. Actually Alexandria, I believe everything in life is a choice.
> 
> Yesterday was a hard day. He admitted to me that he feels like he is going to lose me to another man one day. I gave him reassurance that I had no intentions of leaving him even when he made mistakes. I love him.
> 
> But I do struggle with having a positive attitude during the times when I just feel like he should know better by now. I'm a work in progress. I guess he is too.


Maybe he just needs better information to make better choices. Give us an idea of the kind of mistakes he is making. Are they financial for instance?


----------



## sokillme

themrs said:


> I realize I'm not perfect either. I do make mistakes every day of my life.
> 
> I don't expect my husband to be perfect and he does get better as he gets older. But the mistakes I'm talking about aren't getting paint on the carpet or mixing colors and whites doing laundry.
> 
> I'm talking about big finanacial mistakes that affect me and the children and mess up our plans for the future. Like he'll get a ticket and won't pay for it until he gets a warrent out for his arrest. Then he'll get arrested and has to pay hundreds of dollars to fix something that could have easily been avoided.
> 
> It's happened more than once and I shouldn't have to deal with it at all.


Maybe he has a fear of confrontation or confrontational avoidance. I don't believe these are mistakes I think he has some issues that he has not addressed which leads him to make bad decisions. He may not capable of making good ones without first addressing his emotional ones. Point being he is not doing this because he is stupid, but because he is stuck. 

Instead of looking at this as mistakes look at this as a sickness that needs to be addressed. How about trying to get him to go to some IC about these things. Tell him that it is hurting your marriage, and you worry about it. Ask him to do it as your protector and husband to help you feel safe. 

This may be a little easier to swallow, and feel less of a put down.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

themrs said:


> I'm talking about big finanacial mistakes that affect me and the children and mess up our plans for the future. Like he'll get a ticket and won't pay for it until he gets a warrent out for his arrest. Then he'll get arrested and has to pay hundreds of dollars to fix something that could have easily been avoided.


OH yes, I refer to that as *irresponsible idiot *behavior. Dealt with it a few times with a few different ones over my lifetime and sadly, I'm here to tell you there's no cure for it.

He's one of those fools that sweeps his sh*t under the carpet and pretends it doesn't exist and thinks that the carpet fairy will magically come and take it away and make it all better. Some of them simply don't have the maturity or the ability to understand that their carelessness and irresponsibility *WILL* come back to haunt them. Yours is even worse than the average fool because it sounds as though he's gotten arrested _more than once_ for his irresponsible idiot behavior and hasn't learned a damned thing. 

My condolences.

Crap - this is a zombie thread. Didn't see that. Jeez.


----------



## Cooper

Wow, a five year old zombie thread.......do you think he finally paid those tickets?


----------

