# Advice please



## No1Daemon (Nov 27, 2010)

Hi all. I am new to these forums and wanted some other peoples advice.

My wife and I have been married for 9 years. I am still in love with her and always have been. Neither of us has even been unfaithful etc but we cannot make the marriage work.

My problem is twofold in that she seems to have lost the will to live. My wife never seems to have time to spend with me or my children and all she does is vaccuum and clean the house. If I buy her something nice she is miserable, if I take her somewhere she is miserable. If she spends time with me or the kids it seems like a duty or a chore to be got over with quickly and she keeps saying to the girls to hurry up when they are playing.

She has a definate compulsion when it comes to cleaning and I keep telling her that I would rather have a fun memory in a dirty house than have no memories of her at all except for her cleaning.

The second part of the problem is that she refuses to talk about our problems. She tells me I am too sensitive just because I have spoken to her and told her that I cannot see the point in being married when she clearly doesn't care for me. If she never spends time with me, has duty sex very occasionally and doesn't want to be with me then it can hardly be love and a healthy relationship can it?

We lost a child a number of years ago and she dealt with it very strangely with only limited grief and also by just saying 'its over with, move on' although I don't believe she will has moved gotten over it yet at all.

We went to marriage councelling here a year ago but the councillors were not very good. They told her they wanted her to discuss her problems with a psychologist and she stormed out. Then the counsillor told me privately when she was gone that she couldn't do anything unless my wife wanted help and good luck to me, I then found out later that my wife had gone to see the counsillor on her own and the counsillor basically told her that she needed to see me and my wifes behaviour was fine.

I am very confused. I have had enough basically but for the sake of our daughters I wanted to see if anyone had some useful advice on how to get her to discuss and deal with our issues.

Thank all
Steve


----------



## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

This is just a guess but I'm thinking when you guys are playing what's going through her mind is 'How can they even think of having fun right now' it's still so prevalent in her mind.

She needs more counseling for sure. She needs somehow to break down and actually talk about what's bothering her, not an easy thing to get someone to do sometimes.

Discussing it continually over a period of time and not letting up until there is progress is one way to handle it. 
Once progress has occured there usually seems to be a small breakdown accompanied by a windfall of info that comes out along with warranted and unwarranted anger and accusations for which unconditional love and apologies are usually necessary.

Depression is a strange animal that should be handled with care and usually by a professional over a much longer period of time.


----------

