# Why are some women so Catty??



## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

Ladies I am sure you have experienced this or have heard it.

At my wife's Christmas party this past weekend, a lady sitting next to us around 55 to 60 said to my wife, "Look at so and so (don't want to say her name), what is she, like "85 pounds soaking wet?" My wife was like, "Probably".

I didn't say anything but I was shocked. This woman was about, 5-4", 105 to 110, and very pretty.

Why do some women behave like this? This woman was not stuck up at all. I felt like saying, "How about she models lingerie and/or a bikini and you ladies model it and see who looks better in it" I brought that up to my wife and she says, "well this girl eats too! What does it matter if she ate alot or not" 

If a woman watches her figure and eats alot or sparingly, why do bigger woman judge her weight? If it's jealousy, then do something about your own figure, work out, diet, etc. I found it rude.

If I see a guy in better shape than me or a better body, and there is alot of them, I don't say rude things about the guy to a table of people, good for him that he is more dedicated then I am.

It seems like women are their own worst enemy it seems!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I fail to see how that was "catty?" Maybe she just meant the lady was tiny/thin and was pointing it out. Unless said it in an awful tone? 

I don't get it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't see what's really catty about it either. I've heard far cattier things from both men and women. Perhaps this is just one of those things where you had to be there in person.

You haven't seen guys take other guys down verbally? I have. Sometimes to their face too.


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

I have been slim my whole life, apart from a short period of chubbiness in my teens ... 8 1/2 stone and a UK size 8. You wouldn't believe the abuse I have received from other women because of this .... to my face ...in front of my husband.

I used to get very hurt by the comments, things such as "skinny b*tch", "you look anorexic", "you wouldn't be able to wear a dress like this because you are flat chested", and so on and so forth.

My Hubby always reassures me that women say such things to me because they are jealous. It has always been overweight women who have said nasty things to me about my weight, never another slim woman.

I now handle these "insults" beautifully, I reply with comments such as "it's great being able to wear what I want/I don't need to even try clothes on in the shop, I'm always a size 8 and know it will fit me/it's so nice being slim and petite". Since I started replying to the criticisms with comments such as these they have stopped


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RedRose14 said:


> I have been slim my whole life, apart from a short period of chubbiness in my teens ... 8 1/2 stone and a UK size 8. You wouldn't believe the abuse I have received from other women because of this .... to my face ...in front of my husband.
> 
> I used to get very hurt by the comments, things such as "skinny b*tch", "you look anorexic", "you wouldn't be able to wear a dress like this because you are flat chested", and so on and so forth.


Truly awful you have had to endure that.  Hope you called them on it.

I am a slender woman who eats a lot. Love food, love to cook, love love love it. Yep, one of those annoying people. But I haven't had the experience where people have said the things to me that you have.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I don't know if that situation was "catty" as there are far worse things to be said. However, "skinny bashing" has been around for a long time. A lot of it is starting to come to light in news feeds and such about moms who get fit shortly after giving birth. A lot of it is jealousy. Maybe some is frustration that they cannot do it themselves. It's just they way things work these days. It's not right and I HATE hearing stuff like that. It annoys me to no end. It's just adult bullying.


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

RedRose14 said:


> I have been slim my whole life, apart from a short period of chubbiness in my teens ... 8 1/2 stone and a UK size 8. You wouldn't believe the abuse I have received from other women because of this .... to my face ...in front of my husband.
> 
> I used to get very hurt by the comments, things such as "skinny b*tch", "you look anorexic", "you wouldn't be able to wear a dress like this because you are flat chested", and so on and so forth.
> 
> ...


Wow I can't even imagine someone calling me a 'skinny B' to my face. I've always been skinny too, but the worst comment I've gotten was...'you must not eat.' which 'I reply, 'if I didn't eat I wouldn't be alive right now.'
Yes, the best thing to stop comments is to stand up for yourself. Stop them right in their track and throw them off guard, let them know that their comment was inappropriate. Women don't wear jealousy well, neither insecurity.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

minebeloved said:


> Wow I can't even imagine someone calling me a 'skinny B' to my face. I've always been skinny too, but the worst comment I've gotten was...'you must not eat.' which 'I reply, 'if I didn't eat I wouldn't be alive right now.'


Hahaha. :rofl: Good one!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If someone talked down to me - about my looks.. I don't believe I would jump to defend that .. but I might likely throw a question back at them to further the dialog on it...as "What prompts you to say this to me?" - I do feel this would be harder for most to deal with... calling them out...giving them another opportunity to speak more so..... (can't say I recall ever having to deal with this in person though).... I can't see me giving a sarcastic response ...then it would be like starting a little catty war....

I'd prefer them to look at their own words, hurtful/ cutting ,if they were 1st. 

I feel it speaks more about a person to DO this... than about the person they are speaking down about (or to).....this is just an obvious thing... though IF it was about someone else (or a loved one)... I'd be a Mama Bear!







- upholding their honor.

This is how I am.. no matter what it is.. intelligence, success, beauty, *anything that is praiseworthy or I admire*..if they have worked hard for...and it has panned out for them (good for [email protected]#).... kinda like the opening post.. when Marriedand40 said *>>* " I don't say rude things about the ___ to a table of people, good for ____ that ____ is more dedicated then I am"... this is a very healthy attitude.... 

I have JOKED with many they make me "SICK" saying I outright envy them ..... but this is more to break the ice... get them laughing a little... and with them...its even an admiration of sorts..... not behind their back or cutting them up.. I am very straight forward in how I deal with people ..

I have even taken HEAT from my friends for sticking up for those they are trying to cut down in my presence, where I didn't feel it was warranted, but too harsh... so I will stick up for "Ghosts" one might say...just to not allow them to be trampled too badly..they say something bad, I speak something good to counter it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Over the summer I attended an event and sat at a table with all women. One in her 70's, me in my 50's, and my oldest daughter 27 plus a bunch of her friends. I stood up and the woman in her 70's turned to my daughter and said, "you poor thing, I would hate it if my mother looked like that." Which was an unbelievable DOUBLE effing insult! My daughter has been a chubby girl her whole life, just like all the of my husbands sisters, while I've been mostly skinny my whole life. As if my daughter didn't have enough of this already! The woman though she was consoling my daughter but all she needed to do was keep her damn mouth shut! 

And that's the big issue with catty people. We may sometimes think unkind thoughts but there is no reason to say them!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd chalk it all up to some basic innate insecurity on their part. I'd further suggest that it might be best to interview someone like Dr. Phil about why that type of behavior happens.*


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

My wife used to get this a lot......around my family. " Do you eat?" "your so skinny" Pushing food on her. It was very obnoxious. We don't see them anymore so its no longer a issue.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Any negative comments about weight, to me, is unnecessary and insulting. Red, if you weigh 8 stone or 18 stone, you are still the same beautiful person.

I have struggled my entire lifetime with the pendulum swinging from 40 pounds underweight to as much as 90 pound overweight when recovering from health issues. People close to me knew I was the same person inside, but I can validate a huge difference in the way the public in general treats underweight or overweight people. 

In fairness, it is a small percentage so they stand out with their rudeness and really won't change no matter how you react. With my experiences, it is beyond comprehension why some people feel free to comment on the appearance factor of body weight.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

Marriedand40 said:


> Why do some women behave like this? This woman was not stuck up at all. I felt like saying, "How about she models lingerie and/or a bikini and you ladies model it and see who looks better in it"


You would openly say to your wife that another woman would look better in lingerie than her? That seems harsh. It's not like your wife said something HORRIBLE about this woman or insulted her to her face.

Your wife may have just been chiming in with this other woman and being polite. Who knows?

I have seen both men and women be catty and judgmental about other people's bodies. I have naturally large breasts, and you wouldn't believe how many women AND men have asked me or accused me of having breast implants.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Why? THIS is why, it all comes down to this:










Now don't even TRY to understand it! It'll drive you nuts!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

RedRose14 said:


> I have been slim my whole life, apart from a short period of chubbiness in my teens ... 8 1/2 stone and a UK size 8. You wouldn't believe the abuse I have received from other women because of this .... to my face ...in front of my husband.
> 
> I used to get very hurt by the comments, things such as "skinny b*tch", "you look anorexic", "you wouldn't be able to wear a dress like this because you are flat chested", and so on and so forth.
> 
> ...


Might this be a theme. I can see from the communication between my fiance and his EA that she was obsessed with the fact that I was 21 years older than she; ergo, the disparaging comments about my advanced age.

Never mind that she mentioned on a social media site that she "hoped to loose _(sic)_ 50 pounds before she turned 30." So not only was she fat at a time in her life that her metabolism was at its highest, but she was illiterate too.

OP, regarding your example, I don't see where that remark was catty. Particularly as it was said between two women and you just merely overheard it.

Could it be that you are looking for something to complain about?


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

hi. my first post but just wanted to say my friend id very... catty as you say but its to women in general. im a bigger girl and my friend always has some nasty remark about everyone no matter her size. women like to criticize other women to make them feel better about themselves I think. I pointed out this gorgeous looking lady the othet week and said her body is perfect and what I want to look like, friend says "she has cellulite. not perfect at all" Fat people "she shouldn't be wearing that" im like " she is smaller then me and I wear that" "oh yes but you look better" I can tell you that im sure she goes home to ger hubby and says how bad I look! haha


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Insecure, competitive women might be catty with one another, but some of the _worst_ comments I've ever overheard have actually come from the sort of men who mercilessly (verbally) dissect women's bodies with one another!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Marriedand40 said:


> Ladies I am sure you have experienced this or have heard it.
> 
> At my wife's Christmas party this past weekend, a lady sitting next to us around 55 to 60 said to my wife, "Look at so and so (don't want to say her name), what is she, like "85 pounds soaking wet?" My wife was like, "Probably".
> 
> ...


We all "judge" others....some people just vocalize it.....& I think you are doing it as well..... "55-60" (old) ...."bigger" (fat)....this is how I am viewing your post:

Why in the world would an old fat lady be critical of a slender, attractive young woman?

However, I do agree with you. Women are much more critical of how people look than men & it is not a good look on anybody.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think everyone is a bit catty depending on the situation.I've seen men be catty almost as often I've seen women do it.

Anyone who says they've never been involved in a catty conversation is a darn liar or is in severe denial...or is a saint


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Cleigh said:


> hi. my first post but just wanted to say my friend id very... catty as you say but its to women in general. im a bigger girl and my friend always has some nasty remark about everyone no matter her size. women like to criticize other women to make them feel better about themselves I think. I pointed out this gorgeous looking lady the othet week and said her body is perfect and what I want to look like, friend says "she has cellulite. not perfect at all" Fat people "she shouldn't be wearing that" im like " she is smaller then me and I wear that" "oh yes but you look better" I can tell you that im sure she goes home to ger hubby and says how bad I look! haha


I think this illustrates something I have believed for a long time. People tend to want a level playing field in everything they do, including relationships. There are two ways to do that. Build yourself up, or tear the other down.

In the case above, I think what happened is you built the other woman up, put her above you, and your friend was uncomfortable with that and felt the need to tear her back down to your level.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

The title of this thread sounds 'catty', TBH. 

The fact is, people clash. Sometimes men clash, sometimes men and women, but other times it just women. But this 'catty' generalisation perpetuates the idea that conflict between women is petty and women's behaviour is petty and nasty.

But if men clash? Well, they're just being alpha, fighting for dominance, seeing whose d*ck is bigger...yada yada yada.

The choice of verbage is designed to marginalise women further.



> To this day, reality television and soaps continue to mine the image of women as catty, two-faced, jealous gossips. And it reinforces an old stereotype of women as very petty and small-minded, while men are off thinking More Important Thoughts. The funny thing about oppression is that it allows the oppressive party to stick it to the marginalized groups both ways. Women are too dumb to be educated, so then they aren't educated, which keeps them ignorant, which is how we know so well that they are ignorant.


http://jezebel.com/if-women-are-catty-*****es-its-not-about-gender-its-1456972379


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

*Re: Re: Why are some women so Catty??*



samyeagar said:


> I think this illustrates something I have believed for a long time. People tend to want a level playing field in everything they do, including relationships. There are two ways to do that. Build yourself up, or tear the other down.
> 
> In the case above, I think what happened is you built the other woman up, put her above you, and your friend was uncomfortable with that and felt the need to tear her back down to your level.


That is it I think. I use to be like that. I use to judge girls big time but then I realized I was being a total b*tch because I had self esteem issues and being mean about other girls wasn't really helping at all. These days I just see women and think they look great, better than me. I still have horrible esteem issues but at the same time I have never been more confident in myself even at my heaviest. I just don't feel the need to rip into others now. Unless they have a nasty personality but that *is* the person, not how they look.... lol


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Tone and intent is relevant.




SimplyAmorous said:


> I have even taken HEAT from my friends for sticking up for those they are trying to cut down in my presence, where I didn't feel it was warranted, but too harsh...


I've done this in the past too. One of my friends/coworkers passed comment to me one day about another colleague's dress and appearance and I just casually replied, "That's not very nice." The next day she told me that she'd gone home and told her husband what I'd said. That simple comment. She interpreted that I thought she was being a b*tch and he asked her, "Well, were you?" I told her I don't think she's a b*tch (we were laughing) but I didn't think it was nice and that's not what I'm about, don't have time for it. That's the last time I heard her say something like that and we've become close friends. Take it or leave it, I haven't got time for the nonsense. Sometimes there's humor and laughter in things, and tone and intent is important here. There's a difference between venting about a situation, getting perspective and feedback, and being nasty.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I am 5'8" and I weigh about 127 pounds. I have never ever had anyone say anything negative about it to me ever. I can't imagine the kind of people you must hang around with to have them being overtly rude to your face like that.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

loopy lu said:


> The title of this thread sounds 'catty', TBH.
> 
> The fact is, people clash. Sometimes men clash, sometimes men and women, but other times it just women. But this 'catty' generalisation perpetuates the idea that conflict between women is petty and women's behaviour is petty and nasty.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Of all things, I saw this concept illustrated perfectly in a shampoo commercial.

Pantene #WhipIt | Labels Against Women | @Pantene @PantenePH - YouTube


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## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

"I felt like saying, "How about she models lingerie and/or a bikini and you ladies model it and see who looks better in it" "

You're asking why women are catty after making a statement like that? 
Women are programmed to be extremely competitive with each other in regard to appearance; your statement illustrates one of the many reasons why. Note the amount of posters who felt compelled to post their height, weight and clothing size.
Men are "catty" with one another as well, but often on less petty matters such as income, achievement and abilities.


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

What set me off is the complete exaggeration about this nice woman between my wife and this other lady. 85 lbs is 25 or so less than what this girl actually weighed, so that is what I found rude especially when you work side by side with this girl.

Both of these women, especially my wife would love the attention that this girl got, not just her looks but her outgoing and bubbly personality, her looks came 2nd to me actually, to here them say just says rudeness that's all.

If I told that story that to any of my guy friends they would be like, "wow, I can't believe she said that". We never hang out and pick apart guys appearance and outfits etc. We might mention guys that are acting loudly, swearing, yelling at their women but not their appearance.

It would be like me saying, "Look at David Beckham, I don't think he's all that good looking!" 

My sister once said, "Katy Perry, I don't get the attraction, there's nothing hot about her!" I can understand if people don't like her music, we all have different tastes but she is pretty and has gorgeous breasts too!


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Insecure, competitive women might be catty with one another, but some of the _worst_ comments I've ever overheard have actually come from the sort of men who mercilessly (verbally) dissect women's bodies with one another!


It makes sense to me that men would talk about what they think is and is not attractive in a given woman... after all, they're interested in women. What doesn't make sense to me is why women critique other women to each other.

As a guy, if I start talking to one of my guy friends about how John has nicely built arms but a big nose... the wtf expression I'm going to get back is going to be off the charts. I've only been in those sorts of conversations with women.

Guys don't really talk about guy's bodies with other guys.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I am 5'8" and I weigh about 127 pounds. I have never ever had anyone say anything negative about it to me ever. I can't imagine the kind of people you must hang around with to have them being overtly rude to your face like that.


I don't understand, Lyris. Why would anyone say anything negative about "it"? Do you mean your height and weight? Why would they say something negative when it sounds like you have a great body? What would they say?

Maybe I don't understand what you meant.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Marriedand40 said:


> What set me off is the complete exaggeration about this nice woman between my wife and this other lady. 85 lbs is 25 or so less than what *this girl *actually weighed, so that is what I found rude especially when you work side by side with this girl.
> 
> Both of these women, especially my wife would love the attention that *this girl* got, not just her looks but her outgoing and bubbly personality, her looks came 2nd to me actually, to here them say just says rudeness that's all.
> 
> ...


Boy, you'r really digging the hole. You refer to this female person who is over the age of majority as a "girl." But your (catty) wife and her friend get the rank of "woman." (and probably with the implicit modifier "dried up" and on the way out.

You assume that this _*girl*_, as you insist on calling her, ha all the qualities that your wife, the woman, wants. And by your reckioning likely, doesn't have. Shall we start calling you "boy?" Would you consider that a compliment from us?

See you next month on CWI.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't understand, Lyris. *Why would anyone say anything negative about "it"? Do you mean your height and weight? Why would they say something negative when it sounds like you have a great body? What would they say*?
> 
> Maybe I don't understand what you meant.


It seems like you understand just fine. But, that's the question isn't it? Why would they? No idea, but the thing is, they do.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

They do what, sam?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> They do what, sam?


They attack you personally, without any cause because you look better than them or they feel inferior to you.

It comes from people with low self esteem, both men and women, but the OP asked about women.

An inferior man attacks another man's status or accomplishments. An inferior woman attacks another woman's looks.

It's human nature, but the baser part of it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Right, but this type of catty behavior isn't usually done to your face. Like the example in the first post, they say this crap behind your back, not TO you (the two women made comments about the skinny woman to each other, not TO the skinny woman).

That's if you have a great body, anyway. Which is how I imagine Lyris, based on her description. No doubt people may say stuff behind her back but why would they say anything to her?

The other women who have said that women say things TO them do not have "perfect" bodies...so if you are overweight, then it is much more likely that someone would say something mean TO you (and also behind your back).


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> It seems like you understand just fine. But, that's the question isn't it? Why would they? No idea, but the thing is, they do.


Competitiveness borne of low self esteem and insecurity.

Insecure people with low self esteem tend to turn nasty when they feel threatened, and being catty is what these sort of women do.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

loopy lu said:


> The title of this thread sounds 'catty', TBH.
> 
> The fact is, people clash. Sometimes men clash, sometimes men and women, but other times it just women. But this 'catty' generalisation perpetuates the idea that conflict between women is petty and women's behaviour is petty and nasty.
> 
> ...


I don't think there is anything inherently 'better' about clashing physically vs. clashing verbally. 

The former is simply far easier to suppress via law and law enforcement, while the latter is very easy to veil under linguistic devices like double entendres, etc.

As a man, I was usually outnumbered two and three to one by the ladies in language studies. That women generally have superior verbal skills is not an insult. It's just the way it is.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Boy, you'r really digging the hole. You refer to this female person who is over the age of majority as a "girl." But your (catty) wife and her friend get the rank of "woman." (and probably with the implicit modifier "dried up" and on the way out.


Awesome post. Something irritated me about the original description and you nailed it.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

FaithfulWife I was referring mainly to this post. Sorry, probably should have quoted.

I was saying that although I am also a thin/athletic woman, and have always been so, in fact I have been downright skinny at times, I have never ever experienced negative comments as RedRose apparently has. I must have unusually polite family, friends and aquaintances.



RedRose14 said:


> I have been slim my whole life, apart from a short period of chubbiness in my teens ... 8 1/2 stone and a UK size 8. You wouldn't believe the abuse I have received from other women because of this .... to my face ...in front of my husband.
> 
> I used to get very hurt by the comments, things such as "skinny b*tch", "you look anorexic", "you wouldn't be able to wear a dress like this because you are flat chested", and so on and so forth.
> 
> ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I see Lyris...that makes sense!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Oh and why do women criticise other women's appearances? Because women are valued primarily for their looks and youth by men, and men are on the whole more powerful and influential in society. This breeds competition and insecurity which is fantastic for maintaining that status quo. 

So I wouldn't complain about catty women too hard, OP. If your wife starts valuing herself and shrugging off that insecurity I'd say she'll be walking right out your door.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Of all things, I saw this concept illustrated perfectly in a shampoo commercial.
> 
> Pantene #WhipIt | Labels Against Women | @Pantene @PantenePH - YouTube


Good tag-line... be strong and shine.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

heartsbeating said:


> *Tone and intent is relevant.*


 VERY relevant...



> I've done this in the past too. One of my friends/coworkers passed comment to me one day about another colleague's dress and appearance and I just casually replied, "That's not very nice." The next day she told me that she'd gone home and told her husband what I'd said. *That simple comment. She interpreted that I thought she was being a b*tch and he asked her, "Well, were you?" I told her I don't think she's a b*tch (we were laughing) but I didn't think it was nice and that's not what I'm about, don't have time for it*.


 Love your little story here....the husband laid it out there, didn't he, he could have been put in the dog house for that one!...... I think many times we just "go along" too easily... to avoid conflict on a variety of levels...without taking a stand ...for what is true and right, even if that other person may NOT be our favorite.. it doesn't matter..

Being catty together can bring women closer..all they may have in common is a hatred for another group or a person....it feeds their conversations.... I've seen this Triangle play out with a few of my high school friends even over the years..there is a handful of us.... 

..One stopped talking to me, for a time , over my friendship with another who did her wrong many yrs before.. she never let go of her grudge... I managed to get them back together.. only to have them fight again... oh goodness... Then they'd both call me to air out how they feel.. Oh I listened.. but I always tried to mend... 



> That's the last time I heard her say something like that and we've become close friends. Take it or leave it, I haven't got time for the nonsense. *Sometimes there's humor and laughter in things, and tone and intent is important here. There's a difference between venting about a situation, getting perspective and feedback, and being nasty*.


 I so agree..:smthumbup:

It's not hard to see the difference between a needed *venting *because a person feels slighted/ hurt / rejected by careless words/ hurtful actions ... some can be so angry they will say nasty things in a moment.. this doesn't bother me so much -when someone does this.. I recognize it for what it is - they are still "reeling" from the hurt...

By listening we let them air it out..... Over someone who is having a good day, life is peachy...yet just wants to Kick someone else behind their backs.. for whatever reason it may be, and it could me many ...

One is born out of sincere hurt ...and the other is born out of disdain for another person that may not have even done anything to them.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> VERY relevant...
> 
> Love your little story here....the husband laid it out there, didn't he, he could have been put in the dog house for that one!...... I think many times we just "go along" too easily... to avoid conflict on a variety of levels...without taking a stand ...for what is true and right, even if that other person may NOT be our favorite.. it doesn't matter..
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying.....but are both conversations gossip or not? It's so hard to stop gossip in it's tracks, I love to hear about the new story as much as the next person. For this reason I do prefer to be around men. Although I am happily married, I always prefer to go out with my husband and his friends vs. a group of my own friends because the talk will usually go back to husband bashing or gossip about women. :scratchhead:


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

Lyris said:


> FaithfulWife I was referring mainly to this post. Sorry, probably should have quoted.
> 
> I was saying that although I am also a thin/athletic woman, and have always been so, in fact I have been downright skinny at times, I have never ever experienced negative comments as RedRose apparently has. I must have unusually polite family, friends and aquaintances.





Lyris said:


> I am 5'8" and I weigh about 127 pounds. I have never ever had anyone say anything negative about it to me ever. I can't imagine the kind of people you must hang around with to have them being overtly rude to your face like that.


Ahh, so you were referring to my post, then I will answer you.

I don't "hang around" with people, the women who have said negative comments about my figure to my face are women I work with, they have made such comments numerous times over the past 12 years. I live in the West of Scotland, which has an obesity epidemic, the majority of adults live an extremely unhealthy lifestyle, eating only junk food, drinking excessive alcohol and smoking. It is unusual for middle aged women such as myself to be slim and to have always been slim. It annoys the women I work with that I have the figure I have, it makes them feel fat, they are jealous, they would love to have a figure like mine, but rather than say that they prefer to put me down. Unfortunatley as I work with these women I don't have the option to not "hang around" with them. I hope that gives you a clearer understanding of my post.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

over20 said:


> I understand what you are saying.....but are both conversations gossip or not? It's so hard to stop gossip in it's tracks, *I love to hear about the new story as much as the next person. For this reason I do prefer to be around men. Although I am happily married, I always prefer to go out with my husband and his friends vs. a group of my own friends because the talk will usually go back to husband bashing or gossip about women.* :scratchhead:


Over20, what you say here sounds a lot like ME.... (I'm Over40 by the way)... It's great to have GF's & all , they keep me informed or I'd be out of the loop ....but I've never been one who, once I had a Boyfriend was hanging out with a special friend like we're inseparable or anything.... he then took that place in my life....

Girls Night out, done them (much lower scaled than what is talked about here) but really...I'd rather just hang with him....I've always enjoyed "couple" get togethers more so....with him right there beside me...I'd rather shop with him too, he doesn't mind. ...When he has friends over , working in the garage & all.. they are a hoot to hang out & listen too.. it's just different...


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Guys don't really talk about guy's bodies with other guys.


No. They make catty comments about women's bodies. Just like OP. 

Because, for some obscure reason, we as a society have decided that it's important that every woman is thoroughly dissected on her looks every day of her waking life. 

But only women ever get called "catty" for participating in it


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

always_alone said:


> No. *SOME* make catty comments about women's bodies. Just like OP.
> 
> Because, for some obscure reason, we as a society have decided that it's important that every woman is thoroughly dissected on her looks every day of her waking life.
> 
> But only women ever get called "catty" for participating in it


Fixed it for you


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone said:


> But only women ever get called "catty" for participating in it


That's because there's a subtle difference between, "Catty" and "Jerk." 

Both describe an objectionable type of behavior demeaning to others, but the former usually applies to a mechanism of group hierarchy among one's immediate peers.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

always_alone said:


> No. They make catty comments about women's bodies. Just like OP.
> 
> Because, for some obscure reason, we as a society have decided that it's important that every woman is thoroughly dissected on her looks every day of her waking life.
> 
> But only women ever get called "catty" for participating in it


Men like drama, too. Quite often, they achieve it through passive aggressive means....... like having an inappropriate relationship or an EA with another woman. Then he can watch his wife and his "close" female friend wrestle in jello.

He'll probably also repeat something that the EA said and then imminently say "But, I'm not in it. I have nothing to do with it."

Lather, rinse, repeat......


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I believe that there are a lot of catty women around, I know quite a few..

I believe that they're like it because they have a lot of insecurities of their own. 

About 2 years ago i was a size 18, I hated the way i looked, Knew i needed to do something about it, but i would never slag anybody off for having a better figure than me, good on them......If i saw a pretty woman with a nice figure and was very pretty i would say they was..... I would not get all stroppy with them, Or felt i needed to give snide horrible remarks, and i never did.

I am now a size 8-10...... I never make nasty remarks or look down on anyone that is bigger or prettier than me. There is always somebody slimmer and more attractive than the next.

I was out with a group and an old friend of mine made a really snide comment about some girl that was at the party. Just sour grapes, and like i say, they usually have a problem with themselves somewhere......


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## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

always_alone said:


> No. They make catty comments about women's bodies. Just like OP.
> 
> Because, for some obscure reason, we as a society have decided that it's important that every woman is thoroughly dissected on her looks every day of her waking life.
> 
> But only women ever get called "catty" for participating in it




Perfectly said. It seems to be becoming The Most Important Thing about women, if it isn't already.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> That's because there's a subtle difference between, "Catty" and "Jerk."
> 
> Both describe an objectionable type of behavior demeaning to others, but the former usually applies to a mechanism of group hierarchy among one's immediate peers.


Interesting take. But I wouldn't count Katy Perry among my immediate peers, and I'm willing to bet that Marriedan40's sister doesn't either.

But she is "catty" for not seeing Katy's sex appeal, whereas a man who said the same thing would most likely just be "expressing his honest opinion", followed with a "why are women so bloody insecure that a man can't have his personal tastes as to what he finds attractive" comment.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Interesting take. But I wouldn't count Katy Perry among my immediate peers, and I'm willing to bet that Marriedan40's sister doesn't either.
> 
> But she is "catty" for not seeing Katy's sex appeal, whereas a man who said the same thing would most likely just be "expressing his honest opinion", followed with a "why are women so bloody insecure that a man can't have his personal tastes as to what he finds attractive" comment.


I think a lot may have to do with the actual words used. Myself, I do not find Katy Perry overly physically appealing. Many of her physical features are not what I find attractive. Nor do I find Taylor Swift physically appealing. There are several women who work in the same building that I do whom are physically appealing to me. My STBW is the most physically appealing woman I have ever seen, and throw in everything else, far and away I'm more attracted to her than I have ever been to any woman ever.

Just a man expressing his honest opinion...


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Just a man expressing his honest opinion...


Even if you said "I don't get what anyone sees in that Katy (or Taylor, or whoever)", or even "boy they are total uggo's!", I bet no one would ever call you catty.

But if a woman says it, she *must* be comparing herself, *must* be feeling insecure, and is obviously catty.

Just as OP assumes that it is his wife that is comparing herself unfavorably to the hot girl, when in fact *it is him* that's doing it.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

There are many, many ways that women are supperior to men (especially for this man spelling) LOL 

I also believe confident women who were raised properly do their best to not act this way as it is childish and not kind. I think there are a certain type of women that are above this. 

That said in general women ARE more Catty than men. Randoom Dude's picture explains this better than 1000 words. Arguing to the contrary is like arguing the world is flat....really. My wife and many other women will agree to this.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

It's funny that I saw this thread today, as I just had a co-worker approach me and ask if I purge. I am very thin and often get asked how I remain so slender...now I know how people at work think I keep my figure!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> It's funny that I saw this thread today, as I just had a co-worker approach me and ask if I purge. I am very thin and often get asked how I remain so slender...now I know how people at work think I keep my figure!


It would have been nice to come back with the response: 

"Yes, I do... You should try it some time. It might slim you down a little. By the way - do you comfort eat?"

But I guess that would be really 'catty!'


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Interesting take. But I wouldn't count Katy Perry among my immediate peers, and I'm willing to bet that Marriedan40's sister doesn't either.
> 
> But she is "catty" for not seeing Katy's sex appeal, whereas a man who said the same thing would most likely just be "expressing his honest opinion", followed with a "why are women so bloody insecure that a man can't have his personal tastes as to what he finds attractive" comment.


Singers, movie stars and other celebrities often aren't peers of the people critiquing them, but criticisms of that nature are very often made either directly to or in the presence of one's peers


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> Singers, movie stars and other celebrities often aren't peers of the people critiquing them, but criticisms of that nature are very often made either directly to or in the presence of one's peers


Okay, fair enough. So let's look at this another way. Many have made the exact same comment about my mother: "what is she 85 lbs soaking wet?". This includes women, men, even my Dad has said it on more than one occasion. Yet, no one has ever called my Dad, or other men, "catty". So why would we assume the woman is catty?

My Mom, being the person she is, gets all indignant when she hears this and snorts "that's ridiculous!". She's right -- fact is, she probably weighs as much as 102 lbs soaking wet. Does that make me catty?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Okay, fair enough. So let's look at this another way. Many have made the exact same comment about my mother: "what is she 85 lbs soaking wet?". This includes women, men, even my Dad has said it on more than one occasion. Yet, no one has ever called my Dad, or other men, "catty". So why would we assume the woman is catty?
> 
> My Mom, being the person she is, gets all indignant when she hears this and snorts "that's ridiculous!". She's right -- fact is, she probably weighs as much as 102 lbs soaking wet. Does that make me catty?


When a man makes disparaging comments, for some reason it isn't called 'cattiness...'

I remember some years ago I gained a staggering 80 lbs whilst on an anti-depressant. No matter what I ate, I just piled on the pounds. I was living with an aunt around that time and I'll never forget a hurtful comment one of her male visitors made in front of me. My aunt had remarked how she worried about me because I never seemed to eat enough. The male visitor (who didn't know me very well) responded "Oh, don't worry about Cosmos. She could live on all that blubber for years!" Having always taken good care of my appearance, that nasty comment hurt me very deeply indeed...

Some people are just nasty - male or female.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Okay, fair enough. So let's look at this another way. Many have made the exact same comment about my mother: "what is she 85 lbs soaking wet?". This includes women, men, even my Dad has said it on more than one occasion. Yet, no one has ever called my Dad, or other men, "catty". So why would we assume the woman is catty?
> 
> *My Mom, being the person she is, gets all indignant when she hears this and snorts "that's ridiculous!". She's right -- fact is, she probably weighs as much as 102 lbs soaking wet. Does that make me catty?*


Well, in that case, I get tired too of (always white) people telling me what a great tan I have and that I am so lucky to have thick frizzy hair.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Okay, fair enough. So let's look at this another way. Many have made the exact same comment about my mother: "what is she 85 lbs soaking wet?". This includes women, men, even my Dad has said it on more than one occasion. Yet, no one has ever called my Dad, or other men, "catty". So why would we assume the woman is catty?
> 
> My Mom, being the person she is, gets all indignant when she hears this and snorts "that's ridiculous!". She's right -- fact is, she probably weighs as much as 102 lbs soaking wet. Does that make me catty?



Context and purpose.

The exact, identical adjectival expression can be positive, negative or neutral depending upon how, when and by whom it is said. 

If I said that about your mother, it would probably be in the context of her doing something surprising to me, like picking up a heavy object, or standing up to an oafish auto mechanic attempting to overcharge her. It would not be an insult by any means and would have zero to do with my own personal perceptions of social standing.

Coming from my wife, that sort of comment would likely be a compliment. She's unusually tall for a lady and 'catty' comments made to and about her usually have taken the form of, "Amazon" or something along those lines. She's always wished she was smaller.

The term, "Catty" is not gender specific _per se_: The etymology of the word is a direct reference to the slyly spiteful way cats can treat each other for no good reason that a third party really understands.

It's not that men don't make disparaging comments too. They certainly do. "Catty" (At least as I understand the word) is more specific than that and describes a particular type of disparagement with an element of disingenuousness and ulterior motive to it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> Context and purpose.
> 
> The exact, identical adjectival expression can be positive, negative or neutral depending upon how, when and by whom it is said.
> 
> ...


Quite. And the OP's comment about his W and her friend saying:-


> "Look at so and so (don't want to say her name), what is she, like "85 pounds soaking wet?" My wife was like, "Probably".


Quite possibly wasn't meant as a 'catty' remark at all.

I remember a very attractive young friend of mine worrying about having gained weight. She was very slim and I told her "If you were any thinner you'd get blown away in a gust of wind!" Far from being catty towards her, I was seriously trying to discourage her from losing weight that, from a health point of view, she really couldn't afford to lose.

IMO, women rarely make 'catty' remarks about other women being too thin. What's the saying? No woman can ever be too thin or too rich!


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> The term, "Catty" is not gender specific _per se_: The etymology of the word is a direct reference to the slyly spiteful way cats can treat each other for no good reason that a third party really understands.
> 
> It's not that men don't make disparaging comments too. They certainly do. "Catty" (At least as I understand the word) is more specific than that and describes a particular type of disparagement with an element of disingenuousness and ulterior motive to it.


Yes. This is what I've been trying to say: "catty" isn't gender specific --it's just assumed to be. Take exactly the same words, but the motives of a man are assumed to be different than the motives of a woman.

Say someone says: "I don't get why everyone thinks [Name] is so hot. She's looks like a toothpick with a beak"

A woman says this, she's catty. A man says this, he's just expressing his observation of her sexual attractiveness. Why?

Or, when OP's wife agrees with the "85lbs soaking wet" comment, it's assumed her intent is to disparage, and she must be doing so because she is not as attractive.

But, when OP comes up with the wonderful ides of a bikini contest to settle who is more attractive, this is what? It certainly sounds both disparaging and clearly contains ulterior motive.

Why should we still think *she* is the catty one in that couple?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Say someone says: "I don't get why everyone thinks [Name] is so hot. She's looks like a toothpick with a beak"
> 
> A woman says this, she's catty. A man says this, he's just expressing his observation of her sexual attractiveness. Why?


I think it just comes down to subtle differences in how the accuracy, authority and motives behind personal criticism is perceived depending on your gender. 

If a man criticizes a woman's looks, it likely won't be perceived as 'catty' because nobody is going to interpret it as a direct comparison between her and himself.

It seems to me that a possible source of upset here is that men seem to get away with this with impunity (?)

If so, I wonder if that's a regional/cultural thing? In my circle of friends, there's always a comedian in the group who will suggest that maybe the motive behind the criticism is "sour grapes" or maybe even murky sexual orientation, so a man can go from a supposed connoisseur of female beauty to the butt of a joke in about two seconds.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> It seems to me that a possible source of upset here is that men seem to get away with this with impunity (?)


What bugs me, at any rate, is the presumption that women are petty and vindictive. When in fact it's men making exactly the same comparisons. It's hypocrisy. Or at least a double standard.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> There are many, many ways that women are supperior to men (especially for this man spelling) LOL
> 
> I also believe confident women who were raised properly do their best to not act this way as it is childish and not kind. I think there are a certain type of women that are above this.
> 
> *That said in general women ARE more Catty than men. Randoom Dude's picture explains this better than 1000 words. Arguing to the contrary is like arguing the world is flat....really. My wife and many other women will agree to this.*





I glad you and your sample size of one can declare facts without any evidence. 

I guess you missed the article I posted earlier, but here, let me quote a tid bit for you, because they say it so mcuh better than I could:



> But here's the bigger thing: Men are catty, too. Evolutionary psychologist Anne Campbell, who wasn't part of this women-be-catty research, offered a more balanced take.
> 
> "There is virtually no sex difference in indirect aggression," Campbell told LiveScience. "By the time you get to adulthood, particularly in work situations, men use this, too."
> 
> ...


If Women Are Catty *****es, It's Not About Gender. It's About Power.

But hey, keep driving that point home - as misinformed and misogynistic as it is.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I agree that men make comments about other men. In my circle its usually referred to as "hatin". Its never really based on the appearance of the man though. Its usually over a possession, finances, career, the woman on his arm, or social status. I don't think the OP intended to imply that only women are this way, its hard to make every post you make specific to both genders.

Honestly men do know a good looking or ugly man when we see one, but we don't comment on it because for many of us its taboo. We aren't supposed to evaluate each other this way.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone said:


> What bugs me, at any rate, is the presumption that women are petty and vindictive. When in fact it's men making exactly the same comparisons. It's hypocrisy. Or at least a double standard.


Is a different standard necessarily a double standard?

Why, do you suppose that unusually tall girls/women very often get ostracized by their peers whereas unusually tall boys/men almost never do? 

Isn't it because social aggression typically takes different forms among males and females, especially when we're younger? And that size and strength do not yield much of an advantage against indirect forms of aggression whereas they are a huge advantage against overt forms of aggression?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> Is a different standard necessarily a double standard?


Not necessarily. But I think it is in this case. Men engage in all sorts of indirect aggression and undermining of others. 

But even so, the assumption that it's the women who are catty persists. Never mind that we often aren't.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

loopy lu said:


> I guess you missed the article I posted earlier, but here, let me quote a tid bit for you, because they say it so mcuh better than I could:



With deep respect, we need to be very careful about treating blogs and blog style websites as authoritative sources, because it's awfully easy to pick up biases and editorializing from the blog author.

The research focus of professor Anne Campbell of Durham University *is* gender differences in social aggression and quoting her is not academically honest if the intent is to advance a claim to the contrary. (To be fair, Tracy Moore did not actually do that at all.)

Yes men engage in indirect aggression too. Yes, in a constrained environment, men are perfectly happy to engage in underhanded office politics. That's not really what we're talking about when the word, "Catty" is used to describe purely social interaction.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> Is a different standard necessarily a double standard?
> 
> Why, do you suppose that unusually tall girls/women very often get ostracized by their peers whereas unusually tall boys/men almost never do?
> 
> _*Isn't it because social aggression typically takes different forms among males and females, especially when we're younger?*_ And that size and strength do not yield much of an advantage against indirect forms of aggression whereas they are a huge advantage against overt forms of aggression?


Good point. Its very different between genders and it really does vary depending on age. If you look at the patterns in the way high school students bully I think males typically still favor physical dominance and intimidation, which leads to fear and humiliation of the victim. 

Where as the mean girls (this is the media's term not mine) prefer to ostracize and use social media to humiliate and intimidate. Its still the same result though, you have a victim of bullying.

I don't get why this thread is so upsetting to some. Is it because of the choice of the word catty?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't get why this thread is so upsetting to some. Is it because of the choice of the word catty?


I can't really speak from a female perspective, but if I were female, I imagine that I'd be upset that the idea is often expressed in a manner indirectly insulting to women. (Which is ironic, because that's arguably catty....)

Take this thread title for example: There's a note of incredulity in the question, "Why are some women so Catty??" as if men are somehow morally superior and above that level of meanness.

Anyone who has ever seen a skinny weak kid beaten to a pulp in a locker room or on the football field for no other reason than that he is skinny and weak knows that we're not.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> I can't really speak from a female perspective, but if I were female, I imagine that I'd be upset that the idea is often expressed in a manner indirectly insulting to women. (Which is ironic, because that's arguably catty....)
> 
> Take this thread title for example: There's a note of incredulity in the question, "Why are some women so Catty??" as if men are somehow morally superior and above that level of meanness.


Ummm, yes. Exactly. The OP is as catty as his wife, moreso in fact, but *she's* still the one who gets the label catty. That's what I've been saying all along!

What's upsetting about this thread is the blatant hypocrisy that is being covered over as "differences in social aggression"

Have you ever noticed that when women engage in physical bullying, it is called a "cat fight"? These words are used all the time to indirectly undermine and belittle women.

But, as usual, only women who participate are "catty".

Not sure why this is so difficult to understand...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> I can't really speak from a female perspective, but if I were female, I imagine that I'd be upset that the idea is often expressed in a manner indirectly insulting to women. (Which is ironic, because that's arguably catty....)
> 
> Take this thread title for example: *There's a note of incredulity in the question, "Why are some women so Catty??" as if men are somehow morally superior and above that level of meanness.*
> 
> Anyone who has ever seen a skinny weak kid beaten to a pulp in a locker room or on the football field for no other reason than that he is skinny and weak knows that we're not.


The other thing to notice is how seletive the same man can be when deciding which woman is catty and which is not.

My fiance never once told his EA that her remarks about my age were catty and that she should stop them. But my fiance has accused me of making catty remarks. 

We have since had some very heated discussions about what he considers catty and what he doesn't. He no longer calls me catty when I express my concerns.

In the end. I think catty is what a man calls a woman when he wants the upper hand in a situation. Women who are less than confident will cave in.

I am certain that the OP will be splitting up with his wife in a year's time. IF my fiance ever again accuses me of being catty, my first thought will be, what's he doing when we are not together.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> *I am certain that the OP will be splitting up with his wife in a year's time.* IF my fiance ever again accuses me of being catty, my first thought will be, what's he doing when we are not together.


What a horrible thing to say. I wouldn't wish pain on anyone over a few comments on the internet. Especially a family. I'll be honest, before I encountered this thread I had zero idea that women were offended by the word catty.

But...when I take a step back I can understand why some are upset. Its probably something that most men just can't see. As a black man I used to be angry that people would say and/or do things that I found offensive to me. But at some point I realized that most of them just didn't know any better. How could a white person ever really understand what it means to walk in my shoes. The answer is they can't. So I stopped expected them to understand and stopped being so easily offended. As a result I became a less angrier person and accomplished a lot more.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> What a horrible thing to say. I wouldn't wish pain on anyone over a few comments on the internet. Especially a family. I'll be honest, before I encountered this thread I had zero idea that women were offended by the word catty.
> 
> But...when I take a step back I can understand why some are upset. Its probably something that most men just can't see. As a black man I used to be angry that people would say and/or do things that I found offensive to me. But at some point I realized that most of them just didn't know any better. How could a white person ever really understand what it means to walk in my shoes. The answer is they can't. So I stopped expected them to understand and stopped being so easily offended. As a result I became a less angrier person and accomplished a lot more.


But wouldn't you be concerned if your white peers/ friends / colleagues / whatever called you racist for doing or saying the same thing or similar as another black person that they happen to know.

For example, I was accused of acting white for dating white guys. then I noticed that another black female classmate was engaged to a white guy. No one accuses her of acting white.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> *What a horrible thing to say. I wouldn't wish pain on anyone over a few comments on the internet. * Especially a family. I'll be honest, before I encountered this thread I had zero idea that women were offended by the word catty.
> 
> But...when I take a step back I can understand why some are upset. Its probably something that most men just can't see. As a black man I used to be angry that people would say and/or do things that I found offensive to me. But at some point I realized that most of them just didn't know any better. How could a white person ever really understand what it means to walk in my shoes. The answer is they can't. So I stopped expected them to understand and stopped being so easily offended. As a result I became a less angrier person and accomplished a lot more.


I am not hoping that bad things happen to the OP. i am pointing at that his thought processes are suggesting that he is not happy with the relationship with his wife which is the road towards cheating.

As I pointed out, when my fiancé's mind was somewhere else, he was perfectly happy to accuse me of all sorts of horrible behaviours some of which his EA was guilty of as well, but he never bothered to set her straight.......... I imagine it was a way to justify his relationship with his just a friend ex/ EA.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> But wouldn't you be concerned if your white peers/ friends / colleagues / whatever called you racist for doing or saying the same thing or similar as another black person that they happen to know.
> 
> For example, I was accused of acting white for dating white guys. then I noticed that another black female classmate was engaged to a white guy. No one accuses her of acting white.


You're a sista. Cool! I would expect you of all people to understand then. In all seriousness I bet those girls felt the same pressure you did. I've dated inter-racially, its not easy at all, at least not when I was doing it. I feel for you, you also have to deal with the dreaded angry black woman stigma. 

As far as my white peers are concerned I really haven't noticed that they apply different standards to me as opposed to other people. Although its conceivable that I'm not paying attention. Honestly I let go of the racial stuff long ago. It was holding me back, and I'm in happier place as a result.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ReformedHubby said:


> But...when I take a step back I can understand why some are upset. Its probably something that most men just can't see. As a black man I used to be angry that people would say and/or do things that I found offensive to me. *But at some point I realized that most of them just didn't know any better. How could a white person ever really understand what it means to walk in my shoes. The answer is they can't. *So I stopped expected them to understand and stopped being so easily offended. As a result I became a less angrier person and accomplished a lot more.


Probably in my husband's top 10 friends in life....was a Black man he used to work with....in the Grocery store-his 1st job.... he'd visit us at our house and sing "My Girl" into a dog bone ...we were young & a little goofy back then....yrs later he started doing Karaoke, really into it, we went & watched him a couple times, he went on to win some competitions...

He was able to DO what you stated here..I remember him talking like that, some of his experiences ....just because of the color of his skin....Oh it still bothered him when some were careless with their words & just didn't treat him right...He sure was a great guy....even to those who really didn't deserve it so much......

My husband cried at his funeral...even though we hadn't seen him in years at that point... he was a good friend...brings back memories.


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

My wife actually admitted how women will put other women down when they're jealous of the other woman, usually because of looks. This happened just during Thanksgiving.

Thought it was interesting when the very next day I overheard her and her sister commenting about their cousin -"she really doesn't look good without makeup". I always thought her cousin was gorgeous. I guess I don't know anything.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Have you ever noticed that when women engage in physical bullying, it is called a "cat fight"? These words are used all the time to indirectly undermine and belittle women.
> 
> But, as usual, only women who participate are "catty".
> 
> Not sure why this is so difficult to understand...


I always thought that was a reference to the Marquess of Queensberry be damned _style_ of fight that ensues.

But I do see your point.


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