# Divorce not an option



## deelou (Aug 31, 2010)

My h and I have been married 10 yrs next month and I cannot forgive and move on, nor will he allow divorce. He has made it very clear that the only way a marriage is over, is if one dies or leaves. The main issue is that he “works” with his Mom and what time he is not with her, he is with my Father whom I no longer have anything to do with. The background is long, and I apologize in advance, but it’s the only way I can explain what’s going on. The “G” version: My alcoholic Father verbally abused me for a year at 13 yrs old as well as hatefully called me by my Mother’s name (I look just like her) to the point of me trying/planning to commit suicide. One day I finally “talked back” instead of hiding from him like normal and he pulled a gun on me. Suddenly I was afraid of what would happen to my little Sister if I was not around, so we escaped from him the next day. Years go by and we eventually got in touch and started slowly building a relationship. I met my h on a visit to see my Father (who set it up) and I ended up moving back to my hometown and got married within six months. My h knew something had happened between us but asked me not to tell him and respected his request. He had known my Father since he was a child and was the only decent Father figure he had ever had. The first couple years were bumpy, but happy other than a few misconceptions about a person I barely knew like having a successful home business, really not liking travel (something I was told he did) etc. Anyway, after a couple years of my Father begging me to let him give us 40 acres of the Family farm and my h on me about it, I finally gave in after making him promise me over and over that my Mom would be welcome and he would respect our privacy. I did not accept right away, because I had a bad feeling. The first year was okay, but then my Father started slowly drinking again and it all started going downhill very fast. Suddenly I was an outsider. My h’s Mom and he “worked” down the hill from us and they were all one big happy Family. My h started not speaking to me as much and opposing everything I offered to go do or everything I had any kind of opinion about…….I have always been very independent….I had a very good career, making very good money and covered pretty much all bills, food, and all extra expenses. I was saving money to build us a house. I admit that if I came home from work early for some reason, it would irritate me to see him sitting on the couch in his underwear, eating all the food, and watching soaps. It was not my desire to be the sole provider and had made that clear in the first year of marriage. He tried early on to pick up a job, but always quit within a month. We never fought about this (or anything) but I would try to say something as nicely as I could. I got an offer close to home for a lower paying job and we talked about it and I accepted it. I thought it might help our marriage since my job had been so far away and was so stressful. I told him he would have to be a little better about helping with the bills since I was not going to be making as much. He took over the electric. Nothing got better, but worse. My Father was back to his old ways and I finally decided we needed to move if things were going to get better. I was beginning to fear for my life if my Father went too far. My mil didn’t feel there was any kind of problem…she is a strange bird..I tried speaking to her once about it, but she had been married to some horrible men and this just wasn’t so bad. My h would not tell me anything that was going on, except I finally drug out of him that my Father had convinced him that my Mom was going to cut our throats in our sleep (I will not justify how ridiculous this is). I told my h you gotta be kidding me and he finally agreed that it was stupid. At that point I knew my Father was filling his head with no telling what and I finally forced him to listen to the year of hell I spent with him. He just sat there in silence. I found us a house in my price range about 25 miles away. (My h helped in no way financially with this and the banker, while inappropriate, told my h what a lucky sob he was for finding such a sugar mamma). I encouraged my h to start his own business…that the barn was all his and I would help him fix it up as a shop, but he had no interest. There were hurt feelings that we moved, but I still kept a limited relationship with my Father, but would not stay to visit if he was drinking. The only thing that changed was that my h was home less, spending the time with his Mom and my Father. (He was finally off the couch)
Last year, my Sister and I were going to the airport to pick up her daughter from her ex. My Father decided he wanted to come with us “to be the intimidating factor” (which we told him was not a good idea). When we got there to pick him up, he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand by himself. We very delicately told him it was not a good idea to take him in his condition, which he took better than we thought. Our mistake was stopping at my mil and h’s shop to tell them we were not taking him and why. My mil blew up and started screaming at us that we never had any intention and what a horrible person my Sister was. My Sis loses her temper very easily and they were screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. (All the while my H has this very smug smile on his face) My Sis finally ran out and got in her car and headed back up to the farm. I took off running after her. My H picked me up on the road and we got there in time to find Father chasing my Sis back to her car. Evidently she had told him that if that’s the way they all feel about her, she was never coming back and he could never see his Granddaughter. (My Sis tends to be very dramatic) As soon as my Father seen me, he started screaming at me that this was all my fault and that I was the blanking blank and called me my Mother’s name. He came at me with his fists (this is a 68 yr old man who is still very tough) and I retreated to the car. My h following him to keep him from hitting me if it came to that, but my h never said a word. He told us to get off his farm and never come back. (Again the “G” version)
To tie this all up in a shorter version, my h seen nothing wrong with what happened and was still spending all his time, if not more, with his Mom and my Father. I told him I wanted a divorce not only for that, but because I refused to be another Mother to him. I was tired of being the only one who worked, taking care of the house and it was like he had agreed with my Father. I have told him all through our marriage that he and I are a Family (luckfully we have no kids) and the parents come second to us. I have tried talking to him off and on over the years about us working together for OUR future but his Mother definitely comes first to me. He told me no divorce. Here we are a year later and I want to leave him, but do not want to walk away from my job that I LOVE or everything I’ve worked so hard for. I secretly keep hoping that he just won’t come home and decide he just wants to stay there, but he doesn’t. He tells me he loves me every day and does physically help me with things on occasion. It’s like he makes himself do things for me, but as little as he can get away with. He pays about 25% of the bills, but has no desire for anything else. He is a very nice guy…everyone who meets him loves him, but I cant help but resent and despise him at times. Sex slowed down a few years ago and I cannot even bring myself to try anymore. He repulses me. We are roommates. I’ve gone to counselors a few times in my life and they have never helped. The only thing I was ever offered was “you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and I’m sure you will work things out”. Again I know this was long, but still not even all of it. Does anyone have any advice for me?


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I didn't read the whole thing, I'm sorry. Here's the thing: he told you the only way a marriage is over is if one dies or leaves. So leave. There is no "he won't allow" a divorce. There may be some little known law I don't know about in your state, but I do believe the laws in all states allow for one spouse to file and be granted a divorce, even if the other spouse doesn't want it. It's generally called a contested divorce. It might take a little longer and cost a little more, but you can do it. 

don't let him treat you this way; don't let your father treat you this way. You don't have to leave your job. I don't know if you'll be able to keep your house or not, that'll depend on your state's laws and how hard he fights you. But you can keep your job. If he bothers you after the divorce, you can get him for harassment, or maybe even stalking, and get a restraining order against him. This applies to your father as well.


----------



## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

I read the whole thing. I am having trouble trying to understand how one you dont have a restraingin order on your father yet and how you can honestly stay with someone when they repulse you. 

What is more important a husband that doesnt look out for your safety and happiness or tangible items like a house. You can buy another house. You have means to more than take care of youreslef the only thing missing is happiness. 

I'm not going to tell you what to do but in my opinion you deserve someone that puts your marriage first. I too have a "messed" up father. He doesnt drink but he has been alot of things. I dont personally have a relationship with him, he burned that bridge down a long time ago but I do try to stay civil due to my kids who like to visit with him. And he treats them properly otherwise they would not be around them. 

You sound like you already know what you want its just about following through.


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Contact an attorney and discuss your options. It's not up to your husband to "allow" a divorce or not, you are a grown woman and need to take control and complete responsibility for your own life.

After you've made contact with the attorney, get yourself into counseling in order to help you move on from all the dysfunction you've been a part of for so many years.


----------



## deelou (Aug 31, 2010)

Thank you all for the advice....I knew in the back of my mind that I could still contact a lawyer to discuss my options, but needed to hear it I guess. Thanks.
I have been praying for the last few years that something would change and I know better than that. I dont' give up easily...on anything. 
I've also tried over and over encouraging my H to start his own business from home to get him away from them...his Mother just wants to do their business as a hobby, but told him he could not have any of their existing customers. They both have him by the balls and I know they have convinced him that that is what I"M trying to do with him. I'm sure my Father is dangling the carrot of him inheriting the farm which he tried with me and I told him that would be great, but to do what he wanted. It infuriated him.

I've been to counsling a few times regarding my Father...not much help there. I had forgiven him after many, many years, but never forgot. I am at peace that I gave it my all and will never have him a part of my life again after this last time.
As far as restraining orders go, they are pretty useless in this area. They will pretty much tell you to take care of things yourself and call them if it goes badly (meaning someones been shot). 
I guess I am just so dissapointed and have been putting off the inevitable.

Thanks for listening.


----------

