# Depending on others for happiness??



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

In so many words, my ex- wife admits she is an emotionally needy person. She said that she needed me to "make" her feel special but I never did. She said she hoped I would change, but since I didn't, she lost all feelings for me. I didn't do anything abusive, I guess I just didn't do the things she needed to make her feel special happy.  I thought cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, building her a house, etc, would make her feel special, but apparently that wasn't her love language. She is already dating someone else and I assume that she feels he can "make" her feel special and happy. My question is, If someone is depending on someone else to make them feel happy and special, won't they be disappointed with anyone at some point?


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Yes, absolutely. Honestly I am a little guilty of that myself. But I at least am aware that I cannot rely on someone else for my happiness. A marriage should compliment your happiness, not make it.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Not necessarily. Although someone should feel special about themselves, without affirmation from someone else, if she's met someone who speaks her "language", she might be happier with that person. If she's someone who needs to hear WORDS (you're beautiful, I love you, etc.) or needs someone to spend TIME with her, then doing stuff around the house isn't going to make her feel special.

I didn't put a lot of stock into the whole "love language" thing myself until I actually took the test, and my SO took it as well. It nailed us to a "t". It also made me realize that I have to make SURE that I do the things every day that make him feel loved, wanted and special. 

So while a person shouldn't look to ANYONE else to feel special, if you're not doing the things that speak to that person especially, they're not going to feel it.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

southbound said:


> In so many words, my ex- wife admits she is an emotionally needy person. She said that she needed me to "make" her feel special but I never did. She said she hoped I would change, but since I didn't, she lost all feelings for me. I didn't do anything abusive, I guess I just didn't do the things she needed to make her feel special happy. I thought cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, building her a house, etc, would make her feel special, but apparently that wasn't her love language. She is already dating someone else and I assume that she feels he can "make" her feel special and happy. My question is, If someone is depending on someone else to make them feel happy and special, won't they be disappointed with anyone at some point?


Yes, she will end up disappointed with the OM as well. I am a product of depending on someone else. Together 18yrs, married 12 of them, soon to be 13. A few years ago, things started changing for me in way of growth. I lost myself along the way with my husband and over last few years have come to realize he nor I can make each other happy. We lost our happiness from within ourselves. I more than him. I have figured out many other things about our relationship that I won't get winded on, but bottom line....if she cannot be happy with life for self, no one will do that for her. I know, as I myself am struggling on how to find happiness within. Have depended on others way too long and have now allowed myself to be manipulated and emotionally abused. My 7yr old is following suite.

If the 'OM' makes her feel happiness, it's only because it's something new, an emotional high. It too will fade eventually.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

southbound said:


> She is already dating someone else and I assume that she feels he can "make" her feel special and happy. My question is, If someone is depending on someone else to make them feel happy and special, won't they be disappointed with anyone at some point?


When "love" is new, it is easy for someone else to "make" you happy. But in the final analysis, growing up means learning how to make yourself happy, She will be disappointed eventually.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

southbound said:


> She said that she needed me to "make" her feel special but I never did. She said she hoped I would change, but since I didn't, she lost all feelings for me. I didn't do anything abusive, I guess I just didn't do the things she needed to make her feel special happy.


That is a grade A, top shelf, cop-out on her part.

If you can't be happy with yourself, it's not bloody likely that another person is going to change that equation. Nor should they.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i think you must be happy within your self. im happy, but my husband completes me, i need his vibes to feel whole, but it has nothing to do with being happy or self worth

i know a guy, he needs other people to feel whole...i guess...i the way to describe it..when its a couple of people around its like hes not there, he just fades away, but when everybody is around, he himself....we all went out for a gatheration, and he was the life of the party.

so maybe to each there own?? some folks thrive on a huge energy gathering, and some just need a little possitive energy, and you could jump to pluto and back


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

My wife had a really low self esteem when she and I met. She didn't come from a stereotypical abusive home, as a matter of fact, everyone thought her parents hung the moon. her mother just gave her a lot of verbal negativity and never told her anything positive. She even told her once that she would be poor all her life. When we were dating as teens, having this sweet girl on my arm was great. however, I was not a psychologist and didn't realize at the time what a monumental task I had in trying to make her feel good about herself. I thought she grew as a person as time went by, and I guess I fell into everyday married life as time went by. After 18 years, she told me that I didn't make her feel special anymore , and that it had been this way several years, so she wanted a divorce. I don't assume a new person will help once the new wears off.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Make yourself happy...
And everyone else wants to feed and contribute
desire yourself...
And you become desirable

she more than likely have low self esteme... And looking to others for happiness will only lead her to hopping from bed to bed... Of somebody else wants that responsibility... Let them... It sounds as if you did all you could... But people like that thirst for more...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

major misfit said:


> Not necessarily. Although someone should feel special about themselves, without affirmation from someone else, if she's met someone who speaks her "language", she might be happier with that person. If she's someone who needs to hear WORDS (you're beautiful, I love you, etc.) or needs someone to spend TIME with her, then doing stuff around the house isn't going to make her feel special.



I agree with this! Maybe this makes me a little dysfunctional in myself by saying it. But yeah, I think another human being DOES have the power, IF we are matched correctly... it can feel as though -they bring the sun to rise in the morning or , without what they bring to the relationship , we may view another day as drugery, boringness, lonliness. 

Your wife failed to adequately commincate with you her deep needs, for that, she is at fault. You were clueless, this should not have been. 

I do believe in my own marraige -that my husband is more than Half the reason I am happy today. If I married a workaholic who never gave me time (when one of my love languages is quality time) or was matched with a man who thought bringing me roses & diamonds would bring a smile to my face -when I 
desperately yearned for more hugs & kisses. Well, I do believe I would feel "empty" much of the time, wishing & dreaming of someone who would lavish me with physical affection. 

The Grass is Greener syndrome, but sometimes it is!! - if you were matched desperately wrong in the beginning. (My mom & dad was a horible match, best thing they ever did was divorce- he went on to find his perfect match in my step Mom) 

We all need to know what we deeply NEED out of a relationship and be able to communicate & if not compatable, be with someone else who likely could be. 

But if she is just depressed, and has a problem with loving herself, likely no man will be able to break through the barriers enough to give her true happiness. She has to do some of this herself. 

Do you feel it is depression on her part or your love languages was somehow desperately off ?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> her mother just gave her a lot of verbal negativity and never told her anything positive. She even told her once that she would be poor all her life.


 I have heard it said for every negative comment we receive , we need 2 encouraging comments to counteract it , or something similar. NOt that this should have been your Plight in life to rescue this verbally beaten little girl -when you married her -but I bet she needed a ton of verbal encouragement to overcome much of her past, and quite possibly she was looking for it --from you. 

I had a parent who left me as a child, so abandonment was a Huge thing for me. My husband was overly loving, he never hurt me in the ways that I feared. I know this only helped ME in life. Had I been matched with someone who used me, threw me away, well, god only knows where I would be today.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I depend on my boyfriend to make me happy, in a way. I expect him to not deliberately make me UNhappy, so therefore that means I expect him to make me happy. And he does so by loving me and being there for me, being honest with me, and being committed to me. 

I don't expect perfection, and I don't expect him to be my sole source of happiness either. He's a man, he will mess up. Just as I'm a woman, and I will mess up. Knowing that whatever he might do that hurts me or makes me unhappy was not intentional, that he did not do whatever it was with the knowledge that it would hurt me and went ahead with it anyway, makes it easier to forgive and move on. 

I would think, if your ex told you that she needed you to make her feel special and you didn't do it, either she is very needy as she admits, or perhaps you really just didn't meet her needs, even if they were reasonable. That's not necessarily knocking you; maybe she didn't make her needs known to you. Or maybe she did, but she didn't communicate with you when she felt you weren't meeting them. There are so many possibilities here for what could have happened. 

I think it's reasonable to depend on someone else for happiness, to a point. It's all in how you do it.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I don't need my SO to make me happy, or to be fulfilled. But I'm HAPPIER when he does the things that make me feel special, and make me realize he's paying attention to what's important to me. I am happier b/c he cares enough to do those things.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Yes, absolutely. Honestly I am a little guilty of that myself. But I at least am aware that I cannot rely on someone else for my happiness. A marriage should compliment your happiness, not make it.


Agreed, all this inter-dependency thing never really agreed with me really.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Although your question is very specific to making other person happy, the bigger picture is being missed.

Your woman is having an affair, and blaming you for it. 

So stop so much the introspection, and instead get busy to smash her affair! 

1. Do not listen to her words or take stock in anyting she says. It is lies lies lies, trying to blame you for her shenanigans.

2. "Love languages" are nice, but in case of an affair man in the picture, way beyond such tings right now. No fine tuning at this point, no time. 

Instead we are talking about a BIG HAMMER to smash the affair. This is very specific process outlined in several threads. No begging, pleading, instead calm confrontation, exposure of affair, withdrawal.

3. Finally for yourself, STOP doing what is killing sexual attraction (the "nice guy" stuff cooking, cleaning, diapers), and START doing tings to increase sexual attraction.

Do not blame yourself for your wife's affair. A woman "needing" this or that from her man, it is usually always this one ting, she "needs" him to act and behave in the ways that make her feel feminine and sexually desireable. 

If this doesn't happen from her husband, then be sure the affair man is just around the corner!

I wish you well.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

BigBadWolf said:


> Although your question is very specific to making other person happy, the bigger picture is being missed.
> 
> Your woman is having an affair, and blaming you for it.
> 
> ...


And there you have it ...

The big takeaway here, and I am saying this because the outcome is very close to what occurred in my marriage ... is that YOU will never, ever, be equally, let alone more important than she is to herself. Her priority is herself and how she feels. 

Doesn't make her evil, but it does make her very damaged, and not a very good partner.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I thought they were already divorced. Smashing the affair? What am I missing here, besides a brain?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Just a matter of tense.

She WAS having an affair prior to their divorce and blamed sb for that fact because sb wasn't making her happy.

It isn't an affair after the divorce - but doesn't change what happened or how you feel about it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

The way BBW was talking in the present. No begging, pleading and confront her instead, smash the affair. How would any of that be relevant now? They're divorced!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

We are divorced now. She claims she didn't start talking with her new boyfriend until she filed. Anyway, here's a little more info. She comes from a family who likes drama. Although they are likeable people if you don't have daily contact, they always have to have some issue going on. My ex has had only a so-so relationship with her parents for ten years because of some issues. She has no relationship with two of her brothers because of some serious issues with their behavior. As for her siblings that she does socialize with, she claimed that I didn't like them and; therefore, she stopped asking to visit and it robbed her of a great pleasure. She is not attending their new year's Eve gathering, however, because they now have minor issues. It will blow over, but nonetheless, there is some pouting going on now. On top of that, she needed to divorce me because I don't make her feel special. I guess she feels her new boyfriend will fullfill her needs. Doesn't it sound like she's headed for disappointment again? her current boyfriend has been divorced twice and is considered a "ladies man" among those who know him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> I guess she feels her new boyfriend will fullfill her needs. Doesn't it sound like she's headed for disappointment again? her current boyfriend has been divorced twice and is considered a "ladies man" among those who know him.


 Do you think she was telling you the truth about finding him when she filed? Sounds too convenient. 

I don't know, I tend to take people's history into account, 2 divorces under his belt, hmmmm I think that speaks. Sounds like she is now with the total opposite of you (I don't mean that in a bad way at all). I bet in a short while, after all the excitement of this new relationship fades, she will then realize just how good you was to her -in comparison. 

Only time will tell the story.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Do you think she was telling you the truth about finding him when she filed? Sounds too convenient.
> 
> I don't know, I tend to take people's history into account, 2 divorces under his belt, hmmmm I think that speaks. Sounds like she is now with the total opposite of you (I don't mean that in a bad way at all). I bet in a short while, after all the excitement of this new relationship fades, she will then realize just how good you was to her -in comparison.
> 
> Only time will tell the story.


SA, exactly! 2 divorces and a player does not spell happiness for her. Well, how you get them is how you lose them.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Do you think she was telling you the truth about finding him when she filed? Sounds too convenient.
> 
> I don't know, I tend to take people's history into account, 2 divorces under his belt, hmmmm I think that speaks. Sounds like she is now with the total opposite of you (I don't mean that in a bad way at all). I bet in a short while, after all the excitement of this new relationship fades, she will then realize just how good you was to her -in comparison.
> 
> Only time will tell the story.


I beleive she is telling the truth, but that just may be me being naive. We live in a small town and she went to school with this guy and she says they bumped into each other in the store. I beleive she is with the total opposite of me now, which makes sense, since she seems so sick of me. I think she is looking for others to make her happy, but I don't think it will be that easy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

He'll likely hurt her in ways you never dared to tread, unless he has given up his Play boy lifestyle suddenly. 

Some women need to learn from experience (how unfortunate), as many women can attest on here, they had their fill of those "Player" types in their younger wilder yrs, and after a few of those experiences, they realized those guys were only worth a good roll in the hay -then so true they were off with someone else to roll with, as these men generally need alot of Variety. 

The "one woman" kind of man is the BEST man to catch and hold close to our hearts.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

southbound said:


> I beleive she is telling the truth, but that just may be me being naive. We live in a small town and she went to school with this guy and she says they bumped into each other in the store. I beleive she is with the total opposite of me now, which makes sense, since she seems so sick of me. I think she is looking for others to make her happy, but I don't think it will be that easy.


SB,

It sounds like you simply have a need to believe her.

Are you in therapy?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Conrad said:


> SB,
> 
> It sounds like you simply have a need to believe her.
> 
> Are you in therapy?


No, I'm not in therapy, and she refused marriage counceling before the divorce.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

southbound said:


> No, I'm not in therapy, and she refused marriage counceling before the divorce.


Schedule it for yourself now.

It's obvious that you're in serious pain.

It can help ease the bewilderment you're experiencing.


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