# Husband not helping, expecting me to do everything



## Gllangel (Jul 6, 2014)

So here is the back story: I just gave birth to a baby a little over a month ago and despite all this my husband has not changed in any way. He works and I stay at home with the baby.

My husband's attitude is really getting on my nerves. Every time some house work doesn't get done instead of just doing it himself or reminding me he makes a snarky remark. For example, today we woke up late went out and came home around 7 pm. I said before we left that I would work on doing dishes and laundry when we got home. My husband lied down when we got home while I fed the baby and then changed his diaper. Shortly after this my sister who just moved to the same place as us called and let me know she wanted to come over to visit. Then my mother called and if you know anything about moms you know that they love to talk. When I finished talking with her my sister came over with her bf. Then we put together a swing, the baby started crying, I tried to apply online for stay at home jobs ect. (sorry for the long parts) WELL, needless to say I didn't get around to laundry and the baby was crying so I was holding him trying to get him to sleep. It was then after 1 am and there was no longer a sheet on our bed. I said to my husband, "Please tell me you are okay with sleeping on the mattress without a sheet." (I was going to feed the baby on the bed and lie him down to go to sleep which usually works when he is fussy) My husband gives me an attitude and says, "Why can't you just start the laundry?" I explain that if the baby is asleep and I pick him up to put on a new sheet, he'll just wake up screaming again and I'll be up late trying to get him back to sleep. He then gets up and slams open the washer. "If I don't do it, it won't get done!" he screams at me when I try to stop him. I tell him that he doesn't need to be an ******* about it and he just ignores me.

He keeps doing this even though I explain to him that most days the baby clings to me just about 24/7. My baby has GERD and breastfeeding is the only thing that calms him down. Sometimes he won't even nap or go to sleep after I feed him and he just starts crying again until I breast feed him or give him a pacifier. Also when my husband comes home he just sits down and plays video games. He doesn't watch the baby so I can get things done and he doesn't try to get things done on his own without some stupid remark. I am grateful that he works, but I worked too when I was pregnant. I also got up at 5 am every day to commute by bus while in my 3rd trimester. The bus stop is not right outside my apartment.

I am at my wits end and he never even gives me enough attention so we can talk things out. He always has his face in his phone or glued to a tv screen. He also keeps trying to get me to have sex with him, but won't spend time with his child. I really need some help..


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Your husband sounds selfish and immature. You could try talking to him, but I am not sure how much that will help. 

Try to do some of the things he likes, including sex. Sex usually makes husbands happy. Your husband might be easier to cope with if he is happy.

So sorry you are in this situation. Excellent that you are nursing and nurturing your baby. Your baby sounds like a better investment than your husband, sorry to say. Definitely do not neglect your baby. He is definitely a part of your future. That investment will pay off. Not sure about the husband, sad to say.


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## Gllangel (Jul 6, 2014)

I am not the best with confrontation so I do not know how to talk to him to get my feelings across. I have problems relaxing enough to have sex (I am a high stressed person) and we've had different problems that now I don't want to do anything for him. (hj, bj, or sex) For the week of his birthday I gave him a bj everyday for like 4 days. All he did was keep asking me why I was being nice. Sure he was nicer to me after, but he still did not help with the baby or do anything around the house. He treats sex as a given and if he screws up in our relationship (There has been issues in the past.) he'll apologize, but nothing changes for more than a day. I also have a low libido and the idea of sex is more appeasing than the actual act of it.

There are so many things that bother me:

He spends a lot of money on himself. (No I don't want him to buy me things, but I feel bad when I spend money on myself.)
He isn't bonding with his son.
If I don't give him sex or get him angry he does things behind my back to get back at me.
He doesn't take the initiative to help around the house without my asking even if he sees that I can't get to it.
He then gives me an attitude when he finally helps out.

What should I say to him?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm afraid I wouldn't want to have sex with him. Stop doing things for your husband. Start focusing on yourself and the baby. 

Tell your husband clearly once what you expect of him, that he looks after (not helps) his own child without being asked- because that's what fathers do. That ges understanding if the needs if a baby and he pitches in to clean his own house and mess. 

Also look look for work at least part time or volunteer a little to keep your skills up. So that if you need to leave you can get a job. 

Also insist on counselling with a marital counselor you feel comfortable with. 

Your husband is treating you badly, he's not doing the right thing and putting you and your little family first. Yes he shoukd have some time to himself (as should you), however he needs to help take care of the household and child too. 

Also don't feel guilty for spending money. Think of how much your husband would gave to spend on child are, a house cleaner etc. you are both contributing. Don't think your contributions around the house are less than. 

Your husband needs a wake up call, you deserve to be loved and valued. He won't improve without a rude shock. In fact he will get worse.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think I'm going to read between the lines a bit here and say that I bet you have always been a bit crap at doing housework. Having a baby makes that issue ten times worse. That's nothing to be ashamed of, many people aren't as perfect as they pretend to be. Your husband won't help because he's just as bad, but now that you're the one at home, he's decided it's completely your responsibility and he gets to relax when he's at home, and nothing else.

How do you get him to step up? Hand your son to him, all the time, as often as possible, don't give him a choice. Make him responsible.

You walk in and he's sitting on the couch playing a game or reading his phone, "Oh, you're not doing anything? Great, here, look after DS" and put your son in his lap and walk off and do something else.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Hi angel

Unfortunately I believe that most men feel that if I have to go to work, and at their wives stay at home with the baby, that they should have all the housework done for them. Under most circumstances, I feel that this arrangement is a fair distribution of labour between couples. It sounds like you are under more stress than normal, also newborns are a lot harder to deal with.

It sounds like your husband is not ready for fatherhood. He obviously blames your child for his lack of sex, and a messy household, which she feels is not his duty. 

Would you be able to get any support from family members, who could help you with childminding? Perhaps you could get help from family to keep your house in order, to take the stress of both of you. A reminder to your husband that things get better after the first few months. Maybe you need to ask him if you wants to be part of you and your baby's life, because he's not acting like much of a father right now. 

I wish you the best of luck with your situation.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

breeze said:


> I think I'm going to read between the lines a bit here and say that I bet you have always been a bit crap at doing housework. Having a baby makes that issue ten times worse. That's nothing to be ashamed of, many people aren't as perfect as they pretend to be. Your husband won't help because he's just as bad, but now that you're the one at home, he's decided it's completely your responsibility and he gets to relax when he's at home, and nothing else.
> 
> How do you get him to step up? Hand your son to him, all the time, as often as possible, don't give him a choice. Make him responsible.
> 
> You walk in and he's sitting on the couch playing a game or reading his phone, "Oh, you're not doing anything? Great, here, look after DS" and put your son in his lap and walk off and do something else.


I totally agree with this. It's not fair that you have to have the baby glued to you 24/7. If he wants the laundry done, he either has to do it himself or hold the baby while you do it. Just because he works outside the home doesn't mean he has no responsibilities once he gets home. BOTH of your lives just got a whole lot more busy, not just yours.

As far as sex....are you even cleared by your dr. to have sex yet??


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Explain to him that you are already taking care of one baby and he doesn't need to act like one. He should grow up and be a responsible father/husband.


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## T2shay (Jun 30, 2015)

It sounds like you are both tired and a bit overwhelmed with the baby right now. It may help if you put a chore list down for daily things, wash dishes, laundry, etc. If you both can talk about what needs to be done around the house and share the chores equally then the fighting might stop. Also, on another note, it isn't a huge big deal if the baby cries for a little while. When I was a single mom and worked 40+ hours a week, my kids had to cry for a min while I put clothes in the washer then the dryer as well as other tasks. He should lift a hand to help for sure but this is something that needs to be discussed when you both aren't so tired so you don't fight.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I think the responses you are getting are wrong. There is a BALANCE to be struck here. Your baby is only a month old. But you still can put him or her in a sling or carrier to get top priority items done. Yes it will take all day to do a load of laundry and dishes. But you will have done at least that much. 

You chose to prioritize visiting family and talking on the phone over doing the bare minimum of chores. Does that mean he ought to be sitting on his butt? No. But no more than you should be recreating.

My 2 cents.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I know I'm going to get tons of pearl-clutching mommy anger for this but wth?

You're telling me you expect this guy to work full-time and clean the house when you're home all day?

I agree he should be spending time with the baby but give me a break. 

This idea that a woman can't watch a baby and clean is absolutely ridiculous. I have raised two children, worked full-time and never had an issue keeping my house clean and organized and having the laundry done.

Is it harder with a newborn? Yep sometimes it is. You have to schedule your day around more frequent interruptions but its perfectly doable. It just takes more time during the day to clean and cook because you get interrupted more often....but women have been doing it since the dawn of time.



> He keeps doing this even though I explain to him that most days the baby clings to me just about 24/7. My baby has GERD and breastfeeding is the only thing that calms him down. Sometimes he won't even nap or go to sleep after I feed him and he just starts crying again until I breast feed him or give him a pacifier.


I also know what its like to have difficult, crying newborns. Here's what you do...feed the baby, change the baby, lay the baby down and let it cry for a couple minutes while you go put the load of laundry in. Babies cry....its what they do. Sometimes they'll actually learn to self-soothe if you leave them for a bit. Having newborns with digestive issues still working themselves out is very, very, very normal...we used to just call it colic...its annoying but the baby will grow out of it. In the meantime, relax and let the kid cry every once in a while.



> Also when my husband comes home he just sits down and plays video games. He doesn't watch the baby so I can get things done and he doesn't try to get things done on his own without some stupid remark. I am grateful that he works, but I worked too when I was pregnant. I also got up at 5 am every day to commute by bus while in my 3rd trimester. The bus stop is not right outside my apartment.


There's no doubt that he has to split time with you when he gets home. You also need downtime. The hours he works, you should be working at home...that's your job. The hours you're both off should be split in half. You both need downtime and he should be spending time with the baby and giving you a break. He's being unfair on this point but you're both disrespecting each other so I'm not surprised.

Where I disagree with the other posters is that I think the housework is your job until you find a different job. 

I see a lot of posts on here that basically say if a woman has kids, she's suddenly unable to perform any other function in life but to be a caregiver to the kids. Its absolute nonsense. If you decide to stay home (which I wouldn't recommend long-term), you have a job to do...just like your working spouse. Consider that you've left your spouse with the entire financial burden for the household. That's not an easy position to be in.

Is he being a jerk for not spending time with the baby? Yep. But I believe he has a very reasonable expectation that you should be taking care of the housework.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I agree with this ^^. I think a lot of mothers think it is there responsibility to keep their babies from ever crying for so much as a second. It isn't.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

breeze said:


> You walk in and he's sitting on the couch playing a game or reading his phone, "Oh, you're not doing anything? Great, here, look after DS" and *put your son in his lap and walk off and do something else.*


Perfect!

Plop the baby on his lap and go start the laundry. And don't allow him to "guilt" you into feeling bad about yourself because household chores aren't getting done.

Childbirth only a month ago??? Your body is still recovering from the shock of it all.

He can get his lazy arse up and wash the sheets.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Perfect!
> 
> Plop the baby on his lap and go start the laundry. And don't allow him to "guilt" you into feeling bad about yourself because household chores aren't getting done.
> 
> ...


I agree that she could hand the baby to him when he gets home if there's something she hasn't gotten to because the baby is being particularly difficult.

I disagree that you can call this guy "lazy". WTH, this guy is working all day long.

I find it amusing that people here expect to the SAH position to be sacrosanct and yet often disrespect how much work it is to have a career and be the financial support of the family.

I have a busy career and happen to be on vacation right now doing projects around my house. I've been cleaning, painting, gardening, etc for 3 days and its a PARTY compared to what I deal with at work. I'm truly enjoying myself. I get to set my own schedule when I'm home.

I guarantee you that this guy isn't lazy. He's working everyday just like she is and probably walks in the door as tired as she is. Its exactly that kind of misunderstanding and disrespect for the contributions of partners that causes each to undermine and criticize the other.

This is about negotiating downtime...both people need it.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

If your baby is only a month old, your body is still in recovery mode. No sex until your doc okays it. 

Let yourself recover and stop worrying about the house. It will still be there in a few weeks.

Your H should absolutely step up to the plate until you are back to normal. That said, once you are recovered, and you continue to be a STHM, you should shoulder the bulk of the household duties.

That does not mean he can ignore the baby. His parental duties started at Conception.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yah if this Mom takes this adversarial tack that people are suggesting, they will be either more miserable or divorced in a year.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

How can you tend to a newborn and do laundry? Hand him the baby or the detergent (his choice!) You are still healing, and unexpected things like this happen on occasion (people visit, call, etc...) I would just febreeze the sheet and he will never know. It won't kill him, I promise.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Yah if this Mom takes this adversarial tack that people are suggesting, they will be either more miserable or divorced in a year.


You're right...its terrible advice.

He clearly already resents her ...he'll now start resenting the baby too.

You have two people who are going through a major life shift. They've had a new baby and they've gone from two salaries to one.

I don't understand advice that is designed to ramp up conflict rather than discuss and negotiate the issues associated with these major changes. 

Neither one of these spouses are doing the right thing and stepping up to their increased obligations. 

I find the constant vilifying of working males and glorification of SAHMs on this site disturbing.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> How can you tend to a newborn and do laundry?


lol...is that a serious question?

Look...unless you have a C-section (which maybe this OP had...she didn't say)...there's nothing about a normal childbirth that precludes a healthy adult woman from putting a load of laundry into a machine and folding it when it comes out.

She said the baby was crying a lot....big deal.

For christsakes, she doesn't have to go scrub the laundry with a washboard down by the pond.

Are you people serious?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EnigmaGirl said:


> lol...is that a serious question?
> 
> Look...unless you have a C-section (which maybe this OP had...she didn't say)...there's nothing about a normal childbirth that precludes a healthy adult woman from putting a load of laundry into a machine and folding it when it comes out.
> 
> ...


I went on a 3 mile hike when my baby was 2 weeks old. That said, she was sleeping really well with me then, so sleep was not an issue. Now not everyone wants to do that and that is fine. But the idea of modern women that having a baby is Such A Big Deal. 

With my first, I used a sling because "he did not like to be put down". After about 6 months I looked at myself and said "Really? He does not like to be put down? Do you REALLY mean to be toting him around in another 6 months because he doesn't like to be put down?" Even a one month old is not going to be caused problems from having to be in their bouncy or crib or whatever for the 5 minutes it takes to throw a load in.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

With my 2nd baby, I went back to work with her in my office when she was about 3 weeks old. I worked part-time for the 1st 4 months then went to full-time. It was definitely a challenge but having children requires more work...if you don't want to deal with that, don't have kids.

I remember managing housework with babies and I'm not suggesting that its the same as doing housework without them. It definitely takes a lot longer because you're constantly stopping and starting. But to suggest it can't be done is seriously ridiculous.

I also find it interesting that everyone is calling this guy lazy and a bad father yet he also now has the increased responsibility of handing the financial burden without help. That can't be easy either. No one considers that this guy has a pretty serious burden on his shoulders and has a pretty reasonable expectation of not walking into a mess when he comes home.

By the way, after having a baby...its good to move around and do housework. Its great exercise.

The idea that a woman is incapable of doing simple daily tasks because she's gave birth a month previously is an insult to normal females.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gllangel,

How old are you and your husband?

How long have you two been together?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Folks, Gllangel is a new, first time mother with a 1 month old baby. She is still healing. She and her husband have a lot of adjusting to do. She is overwhelmed at this point. Most new parents are.

Let's not turn this into the mommy wars with grand tails about how we scaled Mount Everest right after giving birth, with a new born strapped to our backs, in a storm, and {add list of tough conditions}. This thread is not about whose the Super-Super Mom.

I don't think that shamming Gllangel will help either.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Least I agree with some of the ladies here. Your husband works full time at whatever he does your work is full time taking care of the house and family. You invited your sister over instead of getting things done. You talked to your mom instead of getting things done. Both of them could have been put off by saying hey I can't really talk now let me get some laundry started and I will call you back type thing.

I think being a stay at home parent is hard. It's likely well over 40 hours of work and it's not a set schedule like 9-5. Your husband needs to help sure but this is what you signed on for.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sorry EnigmaGirl... not everyone "bounces back" as quickly as you did.

I was in killer shape when each of my two babies was born, fit as a fiddle, (still am, 20 years later) but I had WILD hormone fluctuations after each birth, not to mention a serious case of the baby blues, AKA post-partum depression. It WAS a big deal to start a load of laundry only one month after the babes were born. Not at all for lack of trying, my body just wasn't functioning well. Between breast-feeding and complete sleep deprivation, I was a zombie.

A little help and support from hubs would go a LONG way towards patching this up.

No one is denigrating working dads in favor of SAHMs. But there is no denying her body has been through a major upheaval. Not everyone has a completely smooth transition. It's precisely this attitude that makes brand new moms feel like they are failing at motherhood. Sheesh...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Folks, Gllangel is a new, first time mother with a 1 month old baby. She is still healing. She and her husband have a lot of adjusting to do. She is overwhelmed at this point. Most new parents are.
> 
> Let's not turn this into the mommy wars with grand tails about how we scaled Mount Everest right after giving birth, with a new born strapped to our backs, in a storm, and {add list of tough conditions}. This thread is not about whose the Super-Super Mom.
> 
> I don't think that shamming Gllangel will help either.


That was not the intent. G, if you felt attacked, that was not my intention. That does not the advice change however. Make sure you are taking care of your side of the street. And if you are, then it is limit setting time.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> No one is denigrating working dads in favor of SAHMs. But there is no denying her body has been through a major upheaval. Not everyone has a completely smooth transition. It's precisely this attitude that makes brand new moms feel like they are failing at motherhood. Sheesh...


I consider calling this OP's husband "lazy" when he's out earning the only living to support this family pretty denigrating.

In addition, we're not talking about this woman running a marathon or even going back to work. Her husband is asking her to do laundry. If you're telling me that that is unreasonable request for a woman 1-month post-partum, I think that's insane.

Lets go through the process. You group like colors together, pick them up, put them into a machine, pour a bit of detergent in and turn the machine on. Then you wait and chill...(jeopardy theme song)...

Next, you take the wet clothes from the hole in the machine and put them into a dryer and press a button. Then you wait and chill...(jeopardy theme song)...

Next you take the clothes out... and while you're watching your baby, you fold them and put them away. A load takes about 10-15 minutes in total.

Are you seriously trying to tell me she can't do this while her husband is out working all day because she had a baby a month ago? Really?

And by the way, she didn't say anything about not feeling well. She said the baby cries a lot. Um, yea babies tend to do that...so make sure the baby is ok...put it down and do the laundry.

This is pretty simple. People have roles and its perfectly fine to have reasonable expectations of those roles. Right now, his is to go out and earn the money to keep a roof over their heads and her job is to watch the baby and keep the house clean. He has every right to be ticked when she doesn't meet her obligations.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Caring for a newborn is a 24/7 job. Presumably his job is the usual 40 hours a week. She has every right to expect him to do more than sit around playing video games when he is home.

Since laundry is that simple, there's no reason he can't do it.

Having time with moms and sisters is important when you're a stay at home parent. Adult conversation and support is essential to keep you sane!

Sounds like they're in a situation where she's the housekeeper, cook, nanny and concubine, and he's the master who expects everything laid at his feet upon his demand. That's not what modern fatherhood is about at all.

You need to confront him, somehow. If you can't do it yourself, maybe your mom or HIS mom can do it on your behalf. Maybe he's got male friends who are parents who can set him straight.

It sounds like he was like this while she was pregnant, but she hoped he would change after the baby came. It hasn't happened.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Buy an extra set of sheets. I wouldn't be okay with sleeping on a bare mattress either.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow, I'm amazed at the lack of compassion for a brand new FIRST TIME mum, only ONE MONTH into her new journey.

She's still trying to find her way - none of us know how this stuff is done the first time round, geez, give her a break.

Her husband is not lazy, he is working all day and is probably not sleeping as well either. They BOTH need to step up and help each other through this rough period of adjustment.

OP - it won't always be this way, once you're fully recovered from the birth you'll start to feel better about things. You'll also find what works for you through trial and error. And yes, your husband should be throwing the odd load of washing into the machine - it's sooooo easy to do after all!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> *Caring for a newborn is a 24/7 job.* Presumably his job is the usual 40 hours a week. She has every right to expect him to do more than sit around playing video games when he is home.
> 
> Since laundry is that simple, there's no reason he can't do it.
> 
> ...


No, it is not.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> No, it is not.


lol...

There are plenty of breaks which allow for housework when taking care of a 1-month old. It is absolutely *NOT* a 24/7 job. That is literally one of the silliest things I've ever heard.

There are a thousand devices to sit a baby in, swing a baby in, or carry one around with you while you're doing something if you're too paranoid to put the kid down for 2 minutes.



> Since laundry is that simple, there's no reason he can't do it.


Absolutely...she can go out and get a job and manage the entire financial burden by himself and he can stay home and take care of the baby and do laundry.



> Sounds like they're in a situation where she's the housekeeper, cook, nanny and concubine, and he's the master who expects everything laid at his feet upon his demand. That's not what modern fatherhood is about at all.


He's treating her disrespectfully because the guy is coming home after working all day and she's not meeting even the simplest standards for someone who stays at home all day long. 

I'll bet you the reason the guy is even bringing up laundry in particular is because he can't understand why she can't do at least that particular chore. Its so easy to do when you're home all day because most of the time doing it is simply waiting for the cycle to be over. 

The preferential treatment she's getting is to be able to stay home everyday but that doesn't mean she doesn't have responsibilities.

This guy is a new father too...he's got the added stress of having to take care of two mouths to feed with one salary.

Since when is having a baby a sainted position that allows one to not have to manage even the most basic duties in a partnered relationship?


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> lol...
> 
> There are plenty of breaks which allow for housework when taking care of a 1-month old. It is absolutely *NOT* a 24/7 job. That is literally one of the silliest things I've ever heard.
> 
> ...


If you read the OP he is coming home and spending time on his hobbies rather than helping out and more importantly bonding with his child. 

I think it is absolutely right that she tries to do more than just mind the baby. But it is difficult and he will need to pitch in. Communicating that to him in a way that doesnt escalate an argument is key.

Perhaps suggest that first thing when he gets home is daddy time. He looks after the baby in between feeds and you get some jobs done. Reember not to neglect your own relarionship though and try to spend time as a family particularly as your baby gets older.

My wife and i are expecting our first child in five weeks and coming home and going on computer games is not something that i think i should be doing. And i used to love gaming!

My efforts will be focused on my wife and child as should your hubbies.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

When my wife and I had our first newborn, we decided since she earnt more money, that I would stay at home and look after baby between the ages of 3 to 9 months.

By this time baby was sleeping through and this is one of the biggest cakewalks in my parenting life. By 10 AM every day I had done the washing swept the floor, made the bed and any other cleaning around the house that needed doing. I bath baby once a day Check nappy every half hour, fed her when needed, played when she was awake.

For most of the rest of the day, I played the Xbox. No I didn't give birth to the child since I'm a man, and no I did not suffer postnatal depression. I also always cooked a home cooked meal from scratch every dinner. I could have done more if I wanted to, but back then I was pretty lazy.

Oh, and let's not forget, we Never had a dryer so are used to put the clothes out and fold them and put them away. Now I'm just a bloke, if I can do that, surely a woman can put a load of washing on and find somewhere in her day to get it done.

On gaming, I find gaming takes me away from my current reality. It is the escapism that sometimes helps me not lose my ****.
Bear in mind, that he may not be just lazy, but trying to just keep his cool. In saying that, he really should be bonding with his child.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I guess what I think is she gets to chose what her priority is. Who is right? Probably neither. Or both. But the bottom line is that if she chooses to see being a mother as prohibiting any other type of activity beyond recreation, as many respondents suggest is perfectly reasonable, her husband is going to be, in my view rightly, resentful. IF he is indeed not pulling his weight in the helping department, her odds of getting action on that will be better if she is being certain to prioritize what she CAN do as a high priority.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> If you read the OP he is coming home and spending time on his hobbies rather than helping out and more importantly bonding with his child.


If you read my posts, you'll see that I agree he needs to spend time with the baby.

What is at issue is whether or not he needs to do HER household responsibilities. She's at home all day while he's out working to pay the bills.

He should be helping with the baby...he shouldn't be doing laundry.

He's out earning a living, she's supposed to be home taking care of the baby and the house.

She had a baby a month ago, she's not handicapped. There's zero reason she can't manage simple chores.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> OP with a husband like that, you need to get a job ASAP.


I would agree that a good solution is to get a job. Particularly because this OP's husband is going to get more and more frustrated and check out more since she isn't meeting the basic requirements at home.

They can both work and split the household responsibilities equally because they're both in a very bad position.

As a man, I wouldn't financially support a wife that didn't live up to her end of the agreement by taking care of the home.

As a woman, I wouldn't be dependent on a man that can't watch his 1-month old baby when he got home. I'd be concerned long-term about having to financially support this child on my own.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> When my wife and I had our first newborn, we decided since she earnt more money, that I would stay at home and look after baby between the ages of 3 to 9 months.
> 
> By this time baby was sleeping through and this is one of the biggest cakewalks in my parenting life. By 10 AM every day I had done the washing swept the floor, made the bed and any other cleaning around the house that needed doing. I bath baby once a day Check nappy every half hour, fed her when needed, played when she was awake.
> 
> ...


I totally agree but I think what the opposing position is suggesting is that there's something inherent in the act of childbirth which causes a woman to not be able to manage simple tasks a month after the event.

There's no doubt that time wise, there's no argument that you can watch a baby and clean a home. Women have been doing that since the dawn of time and often with multiple children.

As far as the act of giving birth goes, I find it hard to fathom why a normal, young woman can't give birth and a month later manage simple housekeeping. You'll probably have some residual bleeding and possibly you'll have to go a bit slower than usual. But the symptoms in a normal vaginal birth a month postpartum are not completely debilitating for most healthy women. In fact, housecleaning would be a good thing to do because you want to be moving around and not sitting on your butt all day after childbirth.

The bottom line is that you're already seeing the result of her lack of commitment to her responsibilities because her husband is checking out. Its unfortunate that he's also checking out of the relationship with his own child but I completely understand why he's absolutely ticked off. 

By the way, nice job taking care of the baby and the house!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> He should be helping with the baby...he shouldn't be doing laundry.
> 
> She had a baby a month ago, she's not handicapped. There's zero reason she can't manage simple chores.


Ummm.... Last time I checked, there are piles of NEW laundry with a new baby. Crib sheets, onesies, baby blankets, waterproof crib liners, burpy cloths, nursing bras, spit-upon clothes, baby towels and washcloths...

Just give it a rest, Enigma Girl. An extra load of laundry (or two) per day IS overwhelming for some .

Not to mention constant breastfeeding. And trying to catch a nap while baby is napping (sometimes 20 minutes or less). And tending to a crying or colicky baby. And raging hormone imbalance. Episiotomy suture pain. Constipation. Hair falling out. Baby blues. Etc.

Two schools of thought on this one. Glad I had the support when I needed it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

When my first son was born I was clueless. I wasn't prepared. Then one day I woke up and figured it out and now I can run circles around my wife when it comes to caring for our two boys. OP it's rough right now but your husband might come around sooner rather than later.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Just give it a rest, Enigma Girl. An extra load of laundry (or two) per day IS overwhelming for some .


Talk about low expectations...its no wonder this guy is doing what he's doing.

She'll continue to not meet her obligations and eventually this guy will simply stop meeting his too. Its unlikely that a relationship like this will last.

What's amusing is that if this guy wasn't doing the basics and earning a living, this forum would jump all over him.

Its pathetic to have these gender-biased double standards.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EnigmaGirl said:


> If you read my posts, you'll see that I agree he needs to spend time with the baby.
> 
> What is at issue is whether or not he needs to do HER household responsibilities. She's at home all day while he's out working to pay the bills.


I don't see that it makes a difference how he helps, as long as he helps and they agree to it. I think the key is to accept that it is just that. Help.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Low expectations?

Gender bias?

Forgive me while I finish laughing...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> EnigmaGirl said:
> 
> 
> > He should be helping with the baby...he shouldn't be doing laundry.
> ...


I agree...we have no good idea what the birth was like and what the newborn baby is like.

I hemorrhaged when my son was born, had a retained placental piece and had a postpartum infection because of it. I breastfed, and my son hardly slept...he dozed while nursing. He slept an hour and a half maximum at one time, for months. I literally dragged my tired worn out butt through the first year. Every experience is different.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Ouch. People are so aggressive here lately. 

I am a SAHM. I have 3 boys. From the OP, it sounds like her H is very frustrated. He doesn't know how to deal, so he plays video games and says stupid things. A lot of men don't exactly know how to act around a baby. It takes a lot of men a while to start bonding with a baby. It's not all that unusual. Women have that natural instinct - because we go through the entire process. Men don't get to feel the baby or bond with the baby until it's born. Women get a whole 9 months of bonding before men do. 

I am in the group that thinks that she should at least have time to do the laundry. I can load my washer up and put soap in it in under a minute. It's really not that time consuming. Then, you wait 20 mins for the cycle to be done and throw it over into the dryer...in under a minute. Then you take it out of the dryer and throw it in a basket. If you can't get to it from there...fine, at least it's CLEAN. 

The baby is a month old. Yes, it's hard being a new mom and it can be so overwhelming. I remember being just so frustrated all of the time because I didn't know if I was doing anything right. 

OP...if you're still reading...

Please realize that your H contributes. He does pay the bills, put food on the table, and a roof over your head. Make sure to tell him you very much appreciate the opportunity to stay at home with your child. Sometimes, the breadwinner feels taken advantage of and under appreciated - which can make them start to shut down.

Try to make every effort to complete as many chores as you can during the day. I used to have a list of stuff that I needed to do daily/weekly/monthly. It was the only way I could remember to do anything with my colic baby!! I thought I was losing my mind! The list helped me a lot. 

I had a "bouncy" chair, a swing, and when my boys got older...an exersaucer thing... I even used the infant car seat several times while I was folding laundry or cleaning baseboards (rocked him with my foot  ) I used ALL of them MANY, MANY times. Make sure to fasten them up well and they will be completely fine for a few mins. I promise. Even if the baby will only sit for 10 mins at a time that is more than enough time to get something done - just the basics..don't go all crazy like I did trying to keep the house spotless. 

Basics that sort of HAVE to be done:

Trash
Dishes
Clothes
Food 

Everything else you can let slide to once every few days or so like:

Toilets
Tubs
Dusting (this can even be skipped for a while depending on where you live!)
Vacuuming
Mopping

That's it. Keep it simple for now. You don't even have to do it all in one day. Mop today, Vacuum tomorrow, Go grocery shopping the next day...etc. 

Once you get it clean...it's so easy to keep up with it, especially if you only have one child. 

The next part will be trying to talk to your H and not be mad at him when you speak to him. Sit him down and have a nice conversation about how you would like to see him bond with the baby a tad more. My H was a lot like yours at first. He didn't know what to do with a new baby. I just started handing the baby to him and walking off to go do something. "Here, I need a shower." "Here. I need to cook." "Here I need to go outside and scream" <- just kidding.

Eventually, you will also have to work on sex. That's how most men communicate love and intimacy. It's something that should be treated as important as your emotional needs. He probably is missing that connection with you very much. 

But one thing at a time. 

It's a new and exciting time, but it can take a toll on your marriage if you allow it to. Give your H some time to adjust...but don't let him walk all over you. Make sure that you are trying to do your fair share and if he is still slacking off to remind him or implement a consequence if need be. It's got to be 50/50, give and take. If you're at home - you have to learn to step it up. If you're struggling right now, just tell your H that you need some time to adjust. It will start to fall into place.

ETA: Staying at home is super hard at first. It was for me. I was the overwhelmed mom everyone talks about. You have to think about everyone BUT yourself and you feel like there is no room to just be you for a minute. My H was also gone a lot too on deployments or TDY... so I understand how frustrating it is. Just remember that this is temporary. That baby will grow up faster than you think and you guys are going to be sad that you spent all of this time arguing over chores.


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## Snowflake81 (Jun 29, 2015)

I went through the same thing. C-section/ terrible painful recovery plus kidney stones on top of that. H didn't help at all. Went to work/ came home/ worked on online college courses/ played video games/ jogged then wanted to start playing softball. I stayed home. He would come home eat do his thing then to bed and closed the door behind him. Meanwhile I hadn't eaten had a shower and cry at night because of how disappointed I was with him. We finally had a serious talk. It took months for him to get it. He just did not get it. He's a good person and he didn't do it on purpose but I think some men just are clueless. It took months of me suffering and fighting for myself before he finally came around. Just keep talking it over with your h. I wouldn't just give him sex. That made me resentful. Made feel like I was just an object for him. After all I didn't enjoy the sex cuz I wasn't happy with him. Don't put yourself down like that. Sex should be a good and happy thing for you. Good luck. Stick up for yourself!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gllangel,

You are getting some good ideas about how to structure your time and your chores/tasks to get things done more efficiently. This is very important.

There is a web site that might help you as they teach a system getting everything done every efficiently. They also talk about child care stuff. You might want to check it out.

FlyLady.net


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

To all the ladies who have posted a "less than normal" transition into New Motherhood...thank you!!

It's not always the Johnson & Johnson Baby Commercial like we imagined...

Some of us really DO have physical problems that make the transition less than ideal...

It's not mind over matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I thought it was routine: the woman's mom, sister, MIL/SIL came over to help the first few weeks after birth. This is how it goes in my family and with my friends. Everyone acknowledges that nothing gets done early on. People come in and help with food and laundry. My mom came and hung out with me every day for the first few weeks, which I really appreciated! She did light cleaning, cooking, and yes- laundry. I was so thankful for her! 

This tradition exists for a reason. Yes, there are mountain-climbing Super Moms. There are uber-organized moms. There are moms who hardly gain any weight and lose it all immediately. They are rarities. 

For the rest of us mortals- I think being overwhelmed is pretty much the norm, the first month in. Hang in there, OP. It gets better.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

RoseAglow said:


> I thought it was routine: the woman's mom, sister, MIL/SIL came over to help the first few weeks after birth. This is how it goes in my family and with my friends. Everyone acknowledges that nothing gets done early on. People come in and help with food and laundry. My mom came and hung out with me every day for the first few weeks, which I really appreciated! She did light cleaning, cooking, and yes- laundry. I was so thankful for her!
> 
> This tradition exists for a reason. Yes, there are mountain-climbing Super Moms. There are uber-organized moms. There are moms who hardly gain any weight and lose it all immediately. They are rarities.
> 
> For the rest of us mortals- I think being overwhelmed is pretty much the norm, the first month in. Hang in there, OP. It gets better.


Yes, yes, YES!!

If I could "like" your post a thousand times I would!!! Some of us just have a rougher "go" than others. It doesn't make us lazy, losers, or less than...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

P.S. Enigma Girl... Have you ever had a "retained placenta?"

I have.

No one's doing any laundry with one of those puppies in place... Excruciating pain and healing from the forced removal of a placenta that won't budge...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> P.S. Enigma Girl... Have you ever had "retained placenta?"
> 
> I have.
> 
> No one's doing any laundry with one of those puppies in place...


Yep.. been there, done that. Horrible experience.

Even a person who did not have any physical issues and have PPD. That could be part of why the OP is having a hard time right now.

I really do hope she is reading and will post back, but my bet is that she was hit with such a wall of harsh posts that she is not coming back. Too bad.


.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> P.S. Enigma Girl... Have you ever had a "retained placenta?"


lmao...And here come the strawman arguments.

First she can't do laundry due to thinning hair and mood swings and now she's got serious complications from pregnancy/labor.

This OP said absolutely *NOTHING* to indicate she had some sort of physical problem that is preventing her from cleaning. She indicated that the baby cries a lot and she doesn't feel she can put him down. That's it...so please give it up.

As I stated like 10 times, normal vaginal labors do NOT preclude any woman from doing very simple household tasks like laundry. If her placenta is still dragging on the floor, ok maybe she's got a reason but she stated no such thing and you're attempt at deflection is intellectually dishonest.

This is about one simple thing, the fact that SAHP have a responsibility to live up to their obligations to take care of the home. Its not the OP's husband's job to do laundry...its hers...and until she lives up to her role, he's going to get more and more ticked and its going to ruin her relationship.

Keep trying...I'm finding it extremely amusing.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I really do hope she is reading and will post back, but my bet is that she was hit with such a wall of harsh posts that she is not coming back. Too bad.


Or maybe she decided to get off the computer and go do the housework finally.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EnigmaGirl said:


> Or maybe she decided to get off the computer and go do the housework finally.


Well it's a good thing you are here to teach her a thing or two, now isn't it?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> lmao...And here come the strawman arguments.
> 
> First she can't do laundry due to thinning hair and mood swings and now she's got serious complications from pregnancy/labor.
> 
> ...


I would agree with you awful lot of projecting going on here. Unless the OP has some medical issue, which she has NOT stated then yeah she should be able to do some laundry. Sorry some of you had such difficult child births but not every woman experiences that and the OP made NO such claim she was. If she did the advice here would have been much more toward her husband helping more.

Not so sure the issue even has much to do with the laundry per say. I think the larger issues was she said she would get something done and then instead entertained her sister and talked with her mom. I think most people would be honestly aggravated by that. I assume that her being a SAHM was a voluntary choice and not one forced on her. 

At first I disagreed with bugged's post about maybe the op should get a job but maybe she has a point. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone. My x wife and I both worked and then both equally divided the chores at the house to include child responsibilities. If she was a SAHM I still would have done 1/2 the child responsibilities because that's what dads do. But I would have done very little in regards to the housework. If I was working 40 hrs a week and the house and laundry wasn't getting done because she was talking to her mom and sister I wouldn't be happy either. 

One thing I would like to know,if the OP ever does come back, is did you ever have a conversation about expectations when you agreed to stay home? If not why not start the conversation. This way you can get a clear understanding of where your expectations and his aren't in line. And if they can't get in line then perhaps the getting a job is best for your family dynamic.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP I'm so sorry for the shaming you've gotten from so many posters...I hope you come back and let us know how you're doing sweetie...or at least you're reading the helpful posts and that they are helping some.

I get that you're having a rough time right now. Everyone's experience of childbirth is different...especially the first time. It won't always be this way, I promise - once you find you're groove, and you will, you'll feel so much better and you and your husband will be so much happier.

The role of husband and wife is to support each other through rough times. This goes for BOTH sides. Right now, you're having a rough time and shame on your husband for not being more supportive. If you were posting 6 months from now, I would say you need to start pulling your weight. 

Same goes if your husband was having a rough time - as his wife, it's your job to support him and help him through it.

There will be times in marriage where both parties have to sometimes pick up the slack and carry the other one through. This is one of those times.

Hugs to you xxx


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I have one thing to add. My first daughter learned to manipulate at 2weeks of age. She would start crying and as soon as either my wife or I went in the room to get her she would stop. Luckily, we figured this out quickly and didn't come running at tthe moment she started. We would let her cry sometimes for 10 minutes and other times 15-20 minutes. 
At one month she was in her own room and that is where she stayed. My wife had a C section and within a week of being home was doing things the Dr. advised against. 
I worked 12 hour shifts, 40 minute commute each way. We lived in a rural area with nobody that could just drop by and lend a hand without planning. The difference here is when I got home, I would spend the last 4 hours of my day with my daughter, help clean up, do dishes, clear snow and not sit in front of a computer until my daughter was asleep for the night (luckily, she would sleep from 11-7) we never ever woke her up to feed her. If she was hungry she would let us know. 
Believe it or not, I actually taught my wife how to change diapers as when I was a teen, I used to babysit for my older sister. 
I would come home some days and find nothing done in the house at all. I didn't complain, everyone has a bad day other days I would come home and she had not only taken care of the basics, but had been out for a couple hours cutting the grass, cleaning up after the dogs etc. 
we did find the she wasn't producing enough milk so we had to use formula. Feedings became routine for whomever wasn't busy at the moment. Marriage is teamwork, your husband should help out whenever possible. Just give him a bit of wind down time when he gets home (no more than an hour) and hand him your son. 
I worked a 4 on 4 off schedule. On my 4 days off I would tell my wife to go visit a friend before she went shopping or go get her hair and nails done just to relax and be with adults for a while. I was fully capable of caring for our daughter, cooking dinner for when my wife got home. I didn't resent her being home, I learned first hand the daily routine when she was gone for the day and sometimes looked forward to going back to work. 
Ask your husband to stay home on a Saturday do you can go out for the day. In sure when you get home he'll have a new respect for what you do daily.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP's infant has GERD. This does require more of her time.

Her husband is not a saint just because he's paying the bills while she is on maternity leave. He needs to step up. Did he think that having a child would require absolutely no effort on his part?

She needs to enlist her family's help since her husband is totally clueless.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I can't believe the discourse on this thread!

A newborn most certainly is a 24/7 job! The new mother isn't folding a pile of laundry and telling the crying baby that she's on her break! She isn't telling her husband that it's her night off and he has to grow a pair of tits to feed the baby! She doesn't get weekends free, nor vacation time! It's on the job training and her only feedback is squalling newborn or sleeping newborn. The baby doesn't fist bump Mom for an excellent meal, or an incredibly well tended diaper rash! I can't believe some of you!

What the hell was the husband doing when the sister came over? What's stopping him from tossing in a load of laundry or offering to walk around with a squalling baby with GERD?

When my first had colic, there was nothing to be done but hold, walk, pat. Screaming infant with frantic new Mom and absent husband equals exhausted parent who is building up some serious resentment! She feels like she is in this journey alone and instead of being able to lean on her husband, which she should considering how long it takes to bounce back from delivery-especially after a difficult delivery- her husband should be MUCH more present and much more involved!

OP, hand your husband the baby exactly 45 minutes after he gets home from work. Tell him his on the clock for the next three hours while you throw in a load of laundry, get dinner on the table, and take a shower. Your day job is caring for an infant. Your night job is sharing the care of the infant.

If this doesn't work, call Aunty Pink who is eagerly waiting to be a butinsky grandparent!


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Actually, @Anon Pink when you go back and look at it, there's only two women (EngimaGirl and Nobody Special) who were unsupportive. I know probably because they made the most noise it seemed like a barrage but if you filter out those two, all of the women were on her side. Yes, there were a few comments from some of the men who seemed to have had an amazing childbirth and a quick recovery rofl but overall most other posters didn't come down on her too hard.

I think the thing that is overlooked here is that technically, she's not even a SAHM Mom yet! She is recovering from childbirth and transitioning into Motherhood. This is the time after delivery that even most mothers who will return to work are still in recovery mode. Six weeks seem to be the low-end for maternity leave, and the minimum amount recommended by doctors. She's not even out of that stage yet!

I won't be TOO HARD on the Dad yet because he is transitioning too, as well as working a 40-hour week. He probably can't get much sleep if the baby isn't sleeping well. He is showing some red flags, however. OP, since you are the one here, and not him, maybe you can try to talk with him about what you are going through, be understanding of what he is going through, so that you can both be a support for each other. 

I imagine it is hard for you to know exactly what to do with your baby regarding crying spells. On the one hand, they do have to be taught that it is okay for the them to lie alone by themselves sometimes, but on the other had, having GERD means that the baby really is in discomfort and the condition can cause them to want to breastfeed more. Maybe you can ask your doctor at the next check up what they would recommend. Even the GERD should begin to get better when the baby can sit up. All in all, please know that all of this will get better. You will get more organized, hopefully your husband will get a clue, with your support, and the baby's condition will get better so that you can begin to put him down for short periods without fear.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

thenub said:


> I have one thing to add. My first daughter learned to manipulate at 2weeks of age.


Newborn babies cannot manipulate!!!! Their brains are not developed enough to manipulate until they firstly understand that they are separate from their environment. A newborn doesn't even understand that he and Mom are not a single entity. A newborn can only cry to communicate a need and not cry when they feel content. 

I cannot tolerate people who insist upon attributing development (evil intent or genius status) to children who are neurologically incapable of such!



> She would start crying and as soon as either my wife or I went in the room to get her she would stop. Luckily, we figured this out quickly and didn't come running at tthe moment she started. We would let her cry sometimes for 10 minutes and other times 15-20 minutes.


So you taught her to give up on getting her need met. Congratulations.




> At one month she was in her own room and that is where she stayed. My wife had a C section and within a week of being home was doing things the Dr. advised against.


And for how long was your wife in labor prior to her C section? What was her health status prior to delivery? Did she have any complications such as eclampsia, or a drop in blood pressure, or a reaction to the pain meds? Did she have any prelabor or complications?

The point is, neither you nor anyone else can drop expectation on any new mother based on how YOU, or your wife in this case, experienced delivery.




> I worked 12 hour shifts, 40 minute commute each way. We lived in a rural area with nobody that could just drop by and lend a hand without planning. The difference here is when I got home, I would spend the last 4 hours of my day with my daughter, help clean up, do dishes, clear snow and not sit in front of a computer until my daughter was asleep for the night (luckily, she would sleep from 11-7) we never ever woke her up to feed her.


While I applaud your hands on approach to parenting, how do you think your wife would have coped if you hadn't been hands on and your baby had been a high needs baby? Do you think she would have gotten anything done those first few months?

I had two vaginal births and one C section birth. The recovery from Scheduled C section was a piece of cake compared to vaginal delivery! I urge every mom to consider a C section because the recovery is so much easier when you get to skip labor. 





> Believe it or not, I actually taught my wife how to change diapers as when I was a teen, I used to babysit for my older sister.
> I would come home some days and find nothing done in the house at all. I didn't complain, everyone has a bad day other days I would come home and she had not only taken care of the basics, but had been out for a couple hours cutting the grass, cleaning up after the dogs etc.
> we did find the she wasn't producing enough milk so we had to use formula.


She wasn't producing enough milk because she was spending her energy cutting the grass instead of producing milk!

My second baby was an excellent sleeper from day one and I took advantage of that by getting a lot of things in the house done. I also stopped producing enough milk...because my energy went to doing the laundry, cleaning the house, taking care of the older child, walking the dog, and making meals instead of producing milk.



> Marriage is teamwork, your husband should help out whenever possible. Just give him a bit of wind down time when he gets home (no more than an hour) and hand him your son.
> I worked a 4 on 4 off schedule. On my 4 days off I would tell my wife to go visit a friend before she went shopping or go get her hair and nails done just to relax and be with adults for a while. I was fully capable of caring for our daughter, cooking dinner for when my wife got home. I didn't resent her being home, I learned first hand the daily routine when she was gone for the day and sometimes looked forward to going back to work.
> Ask your husband to stay home on a Saturday do you can go out for the day. In sure when you get home he'll have a new respect for what you do daily.


You were an excellent father with an easy baby who happily took to bottles. The OP's husband is absent, he baby is fussy and high needs, bottles haven't been introduced yet, so she doesn't have the option of taking a day off. Frankly, I'm not sure I would suggest she leave her baby with her husband and go out for the day at this point. He doesn't inspire confidence in his willingness or ability to meet the baby's needs.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I can't believe the discourse on this thread!
> 
> *A newborn most certainly is a 24/7 job!* The new mother isn't folding a pile of laundry and telling the crying baby that she's on her break! She isn't telling her husband that it's her night off and he has to grow a pair of tits to feed the baby! She doesn't get weekends free, nor vacation time! It's on the job training and her only feedback is squalling newborn or sleeping newborn. The baby doesn't fist bump Mom for an excellent meal, or an incredibly well tended diaper rash! I can't believe some of you!
> 
> ...


Splitting hairs here I'm sure...yes, taking care of a newborn IS difficult, and time consuming, especially when it ones first time doing it, but calling it 24/7 is just hyperbole, and not literal.

In my experience, people who use such absolute terms to emphasize their hardship tend to come off to a lot of people as having some degree of a matryr, victim, or persecution complex.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In my experience, people who have never gone through childbirth (let alone been the primary caregiver of a newborn) have no business offering opinions on the subject.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Splitting hairs here I'm sure...yes, taking care of a newborn IS difficult, and time consuming, especially when it ones first time doing it, but calling it 24/7 is just hyperbole, and not literal.
> 
> In my experience, people who use such absolute terms to emphasize their hardship tend to come off to a lot of people as having some degree of a matryr, victim, or persecution complex.


It is 24/7 not because the new mother is on her feet working, sweating and slaving.

It's 24/7 because the responsibility is 24/7. She has to feed the baby every two hours or so at first, around the clock. That's not very conducive to getting a full night's sleep. Also consider that not getting a full nights sleep for a month or more can make a person have all kinds of problems... like not being able to cope.

Since the OP gets no help from her husband with their child, she can only get some down time when the baby is sleeping. 

He husband goes to work for x hours and then comes home to get an evening break daily and 2 day break on the weekends.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> In my experience, people who have never gone through childbirth (let alone been the primary caregiver of a newborn) have no business offering opinions on the subject.


So us menz should keep our mouths shut....and a moderator co signs on it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> In my experience, people who have never gone through childbirth (let alone been the primary caregiver of a newborn) have no business offering opinions on the subject.


well I was the primary care giver for both my daughters and fed them, bathed them, cared for them more hours during the week then my x wife did. So am I qualified or do I lose out because I didn't birth them?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

A newborn was manipulative at two weeks old? REALLY?! They don't know who they are- or that they even "are" seperate from mom or dad or anyone who looks after them. Oh my.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> So us menz should keep our mouths shut....and a moderator co signs on it.


I agree that someone who has never been through childbirth has no real idea what it's like. That's both men and women.

Until I went through it, I had no idea what it was like. Everything I thought about it was wrong.This even though my mother had 7 pregnancies after me with 5 live births. And all of my 4 sisters and 3 SIL's had been through pregnancies and child birth. And I was there.. I was clueless before it happened to me.

A person who has never taken care of a newborn does not know the full extent of what it's like. 

There are plenty of things that men do/experience that women don't know much about because it's impossible for a woman to have those experiences. 

Note that the post did not address only men. The post said that anyone (man or woman) who have not been through child birth and/or having the primary care of a new born "have no business offering opinions on the subject."

I'm not sure that people who have not been through it should not give an opinion or input, but it might be good if they realized that everyone's experience is different and those who have been through have more first hand knowledge.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> So us menz should keep our mouths shut....and a moderator co signs on it.
> 
> well I was the primary care giver for both my daughters and fed them, bathed them, cared for them more hours during the week then my x wife did. So am I qualified or do I lose out because I didn't birth them?


I don't share this opinion. I've seen many instances of men working as hard with infants as moms do...particularly with bottle-fed infants. In my opinion, there's a total double standard of allowable behaviors between genders on this site.

By the way, I did give birth and I find it insulting to suggest that a woman can't manage simple chores a month after giving birth. Not all women are china doll fragile, weak creatures...nor do we want to be perceived as such. Women should not be coddled when they don't their familial obligations any more than a man should.

This OP's husband is bringing up laundry in particular because its a simple, simple chore that requires more breaks and waiting than action. 

The bottom line is that she can live up to her responsibilities and try to make her relationship work...or she listen to the women telling her its ok to neglect her role and her husband will continue to be rightfully resentful and check out of his life with her and his new baby.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> well I was the primary care giver for both my daughters and fed them, bathed them, cared for them more hours during the week then my x wife did. So am I qualified or do I lose out because I didn't birth them?


Then you know about being primary care giver for a new born, your new born.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It is 24/7 not because the new mother is on her feet working, sweating and slaving.
> 
> *It's 24/7 because the responsibility is 24/7*. She has to feed the baby every two hours or so at first, around the clock. That's not very conducive to getting a full night's sleep. Also consider that not getting a full nights sleep for a month or more can make a person have all kinds of problems... like not being able to cope.
> 
> ...


I'll split hairs again...we get it that it's a lot of work. No one is questioning that, but your own statement here shows that it is just hyperbole. Based on the 24/7 responsibility angle, extremely speaking, the working parent also has 24/7 responsibility...they go out driving recklessly and gets arrested, or worse, dies...they have a responsibility to ensure that nothing happens to the income supporting the entire way of life.

I often hear about how the working parent gets to come home from work, where as the SAHP is on the clock 24/7, and I am sure there are some cases where it really is like that, but I suspect that in most cases, it is more along the lines of the working parent merely puts on a different hat when they get home from their day job.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that someone who has never been through childbirth has no real idea what it's like. That's both men and women.
> 
> Until I went through it, I had no idea what it was like. Everything I thought about it was wrong.
> 
> ...


Its clearly a shot at men. Lets keep it real. Plenty of women have vanished once given birth leaving men to raise a child.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Then you know about being primary care giver for a new born, your new born.


Yes as you know about yours so guess we both have have a right to express our opinions here and maybe that has nothing to do with gender


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> I'll split hairs again...we get it that it's a lot of work. No one is questioning that, but your own statement here shows that it is just hyperbole. Based on the 24/7 responsibility angle, extremely speaking, the working parent also has 24/7 responsibility...they go out driving recklessly and gets arrested, or worse, dies...they have a responsibility to ensure that nothing happens to the income supporting the entire way of life.
> 
> I often hear about how the working parent gets to come home from work, where as the SAHP is on the clock 24/7, and I am sure there are some cases where it really is like that, but I suspect that in most cases, it is more along the lines of the working parent merely puts on a different hat when they get home from their day job.


I have done both. I've been the one who had the baby. The one who was primary care giver of a new born. I was also the ONLY breadwinner though most of my marriage.

What I experienced is that having a job was different in that being away from the work place and having free time give a person time to rejuvenate. 

To me, being home after work and on weekends, and being with my son was something that gave me energy and helped me shed the exhaustion form a day at work. It was something different from work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Yes as you know about yours so guess we both have have a right to express our opinions here and maybe that has nothing to do with gender


I did not say it had to do with gender. Neither did Blondilocks. She and I both said it had to do with personal experience.

So yes we ALL agree that it's not gender specific.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that someone who has never been through childbirth has no real idea what it's like. That's both men and women.
> 
> Until I went through it, I had no idea what it was like. Everything I thought about it was wrong.This even though my mother had 7 pregnancies after me with 5 live births. And all of my 4 sisters and 3 SIL's had been through pregnancies and child birth. And I was there.. I was clueless before it happened to me.
> 
> ...


Just because one parent pushes out a child doesn't make them the automatic authority on being a good parent either. I am hands down a better parent than my x wife and that had nothing to do with gender. 

If you want to talk about varying perspective then everyone experiences things differently. I know some women who thought being pregnant was the greatest time of ther lives and loved every minute of it. Others felt miserable the entire time and never wanted to repeat the experience. My only point is that if we are going to eliminate those who don't have the exact same experience then we need to pretty much eliminate them all because no two people are going to experience the same thing same gender or not.

So far as I know everyone posting here on this thread is a parent right? Did I miss somone here is posting who isn't a parent?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> well I was the primary care giver for both my daughters and fed them, bathed them, cared for them more hours during the week then my x wife did. So am I qualified or do I lose out because I didn't birth them?


Rampant sexism if you ask me.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I did not say it had to do with gender. Neither did Blondilocks. She and I both said it had to do with personal experience.
> 
> So yes we ALL agree that it's not gender specific.


She said going through childbirth right? I asked if that meant I was disqualified because I never went through it or not. Sounded sexist to me but I did ask her to clarify.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> lol...is that a serious question?
> 
> Look...unless you have a C-section (which maybe this OP had...she didn't say)...there's nothing about a normal childbirth that precludes a healthy adult woman from putting a load of laundry into a machine and folding it when it comes out.
> 
> ...


I hear what you're saying, but what I don't understand is why is it a big deal if the laundry or dishes don't get done one day? Who cares? Why is the H throwing a fit at 1:00 AM over laundry and dishes? 

Unless she never did housekeeping prior to the birth and still never does so he feels it's all part of a pattern and he's destined to live out his years in sloth if he doesn't berate her about it now? -- They have a 1 month old baby that crying all the time. Why not relax your standards for a bit until you can both find your groove with the new responsibilities? If you got all the way 'till 1:00 AM w/out the dishes and laundry being done, why can't you calmly wait 'till morning?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Just because one parent pushes out a child doesn't make them the automatic authority on being a good parent either. I am hands down a better parent than my x wife and that had nothing to do with gender.


I'm not sure why you are all up in arms about this. No one has said that being a good parent has anything to do with gender. You are reading a lot into what was said.



Wolf1974 said:


> If you want to talk about varying perspective then everyone experiences things differently. I know some women who thought being pregnant was the greatest time of ther lives and loved every minute of it. Others felt miserable the entire time and never wanted to repeat the experience. My only point is that if we are going to eliminate those who don't have the exact same experience then we need to pretty much eliminate them all because no two people are going to experience the same thing same gender or not.


Because each person's experience is unique, when giving input I think it's wise to not use one's own life as the Holy Grail in how everyone else MUST do it or they are a lazy, incompetent slouch. That's the point I think. 

Talking to a person and finding out more about what their issues are and what is going on is much more help to a person that people chastising the OP because they are not super women/man like them.



Wolf1974 said:


> So far as I know everyone posting here on this thread is a parent right? Did I miss somone here is posting who isn't a parent?


Don't know.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You might be the only one who doesn't see what blondielocks meant by it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

> Then my mother called and if you know anything about moms you know that they love to talk.
> 
> *Try talking with the phone on speaker and throwing clothes in the washer. It takes less than a minute to throw clothes in a washer.*
> 
> ...


I'm not trying to attack the OP, but what I quoted here sounds like excuses and I can completely see why her H is upset. This is why I suggested the list to help her out during the day. 

Her priorities in this situation are:

Baby > Socialize > browse the Internet (doesn't matter the reason) > sleep. Housework isn't mentioned because she didn't do any that day that she mentioned.

If those are going to be her priorities, she needs to look for a job. Her H has a right to be upset because from her own description - she had plenty of time to do the laundry.

Yes, the H is capable of doing it...however, he does work during the week and that can't be discredited at all because without him, they wouldn't have any clothes to be fighting over. 

The OP just sounds like she didn't realize the extent of caring for a baby AND a house. It's not easy at first with a newborn...but it's still no excuse to not do the bare minimum. If what she described is the norm, her marriage is only going to get worse. If she doesn't like housework, a normal job outside the home may be more for her.

Sit down with your H make a list of what you expect and what he expects. Go from there. He can do things like trash and mowing, but eventually, you will have to get on the ball with your share of the work.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> I hear what you're saying, but what I don't understand is *why is it a big deal if the laundry or dishes don't get done one day*? Who cares? Why is the H throwing a fit at 1:00 AM over laundry and dishes?


I agree 500% with the bolded. But they did not have a single clean sheet to put on the bed. That's a deal. My husband would not have been thrilled either if I spent the day socializing, and he had to sleep on the mattress pad.

The real issue here is that they BOTH think they "have to do everything". They are stuck in right fight land. And that is a bad place to be.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure why you are all up in arms about this. No one has said that being a good parent has anything to do with gender. You are reading a lot into what was said.
> 
> 
> *I don't think so. Her quote was either saying people who don't have kids have no opinion or that fathers don't because they don't have the ability to birth children. I did ask her to clarify if I was exempt or not
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> She said going through childbirth right? I asked if that meant I was disqualified because I never went through it or not. Sounded sexist to me but I did ask her to clarify.


What she said can be taken two ways... either a person who has a *"gone through childbirth"* AND *"been the primary caregiver of a newborn."
*

or *"gone through childbirth"* AND/OR *"been the primary caregiver of a newborn."
*

If it's the first, then no you do not have experience in giving birth and recovering from childbirth while primary caregiver of a newborn. [I assume you are a man. So it's reasonable to assume that you have never given birth.]

I also do not have experience with giving birth and recovering from childbirth while primary caregiver of a newborn.

I have experience with them as separate events. My twins dies at birth. I also could not have taken care of them as new born as it took me several months to recover.

Then we adopted a new born and I was the primary care giver.

I would never presume to tell the OP what she should or should not be doing right now. I've not experienced it. Every case is different. If I used my experience, I'd call and ambulance for her and get her into the emergency room.

Trying to make this into a gender fight is nonsense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> Its clearly a shot at men. Lets keep it real. Plenty of women have vanished once given birth leaving men to raise a child.


Sure plenty have.

But no man has ever given birth and then was primary care giver. A lot of women also have not experienced this.

It's not a shot at men.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Yes as you know about yours so guess we both have have a right to express our opinions here and maybe that has nothing to do with gender


That is right and it's what I have been saying. Blondilock's post was not addressing any one gender.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I hear what you're saying, but what I don't understand is why is it a big deal if the laundry or dishes don't get done one day? Who cares? Why is the H throwing a fit at 1:00 AM over laundry and dishes?


I would agree except that based on her post, it sounds like there's more going on here. She mentions that she has time to socialize with her sister, sister's bf and her mother and then when they go to bed, there's no sheet on the bed. Frankly, I wouldn't be sleeping on a bed without a sheet on it either and I wouldn't understand the priorities if she was socializing earlier in the evening. 

Maybe what he's angry about is systematic not just isolated incidences. So maybe he had an outburst at 1am because he's simply at the end of his rope. There are a lot of people that have a very low tolerance for a messy, dirty house...for me, it seriously stresses me out. And if you're already in a position where you're managing with a fussy baby, staying on top of things is pretty important to reduce the chaos and help manage mood swings.

There's no doubt that this couple overall needs to negotiate expectations, however, its absolutely silly to suggest that a SAHP with a 1-month old can't do simple chores. And its also unreasonable to suggest that the working parent should step in and have to manage those responsibilities. That's what I'm taking issue with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> I agree BUT also agree that blindly taking her side without all the information or the benefit of her husbands point of view isn't right either. I don't think questioning someone's notion of things is bad. We all agree that she is new at this and so is her husband which was why I suggested they talk about what expectations they both had of each other. He doesn't get a pass from responsibilities but neither should she. They are and should be a team and I would bet if they could communicate would go a long way


I agree that blindly taking sides with the OP or attacking her are both wrong. Insulting her definitely is not helpful.

If you look at my posts to the OP, I did neither. I asked her questions and gave her some input on how to improve herself and how she handles things.

My other post early on was an attempt to get people to take a more middle road.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I see a lot of ego on this thread. No wonder the OP bailed.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I totally agree but I think what the opposing position is suggesting is that there's something inherent in the act of childbirth which causes a woman to not be able to manage simple tasks a month after the event.
> 
> There's no doubt that time wise, there's no argument that you can watch a baby and clean a home. Women have been doing that since the dawn of time and often with multiple children.
> 
> ...



I agree with much of what you said regarding caring for a baby and taking care of household chores, but I think you might show a little more empathy in the way you're saying it.

For whatever reason, the OP is feeling overwhelmed. Whether it's due to a difficult birth or hormones we have no way of knowing, because she hasn't told us, but we do know that she isn't coping. It would be more helpful, therefore, if we offered her a little encouragement and practical advice on coping, rather than overwhelming her further with criticism.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

breeze said:


> I see a lot of ego on this thread. No wonder the OP bailed.


I'm not sure it's ego so much as the initial posts started immediately down the road of how the OP didn't really need to do anything, it was understandably impossible, and her husband needed to do it all. At least that was the tone I picked up on. I will admit that my life experiences with my SAH ex wife and working and child rearing have colored my opinion on this.

Too often though this subject leads to very polarizing discussions because the simple act of giving birth has essentially lifted women to sainthood in this society, leaving, and expecting the men tied to the woman to provide and do everything. The societal reinforcement, some of which is seen right here in this thread leads to a great deal of resentment.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that blindly taking sides with the OP or attacking her are both wrong. Insulting her definitely is not helpful.
> 
> If you look at my posts to the OP, I did neither. I asked her questions and gave her some input on how to improve herself and how she handles things.
> 
> My other post early on was an attempt to get people to take a more middle road.




The middle road is not TAM's strong suit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I'm not sure it's ego so much as the initial posts started immediately down the road of how the OP didn't really need to do anything, it was understandably impossible, and her husband needed to do it all. At least that was the tone I picked up on. I will admit that my life experiences with my SAH ex wife and working and child rearing have colored my opinion on this.
> 
> Too often though this subject leads to very polarizing discussions because the simple act of giving birth has essentially lifted women to sainthood in this society, leaving, and expecting the men tied to the woman to provide and do everything. The societal reinforcement, some of which is seen right here in this thread leads to a great deal of resentment.


From what I've read in this thread, we have a totally overwhelmed young mother being criticized for her inability to cope...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> From what I've read in this thread, we have a totally overwhelmed young mother being criticized for her inability to cope...


For sure, but telling her it's ok, her husband has no right to complain, and shouldn't have any expectations that she do anything because she is a new mom with a crying baby is unhelpful advice in the extreme, and will do far more damage in the long run as the resentment continues to build on both sides...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> I'm not sure it's ego so much as the initial posts started immediately down the road of how the OP didn't really need to do anything, it was understandably impossible, and her husband needed to do it all. At least that was the tone I picked up on. I will admit that my life experiences with my SAH ex wife and working and child rearing have colored my opinion on this.
> 
> Too often though this subject leads to very polarizing discussions because the simple act of giving birth has essentially lifted women to sainthood in this society, leaving, and expecting the men tied to the woman to provide and do everything. The societal reinforcement, some of which is seen right here in this thread leads to a great deal of resentment.


So females in our society apparently just expect that a woman pops out a child and gets to go lie down on the couch for the rest of her life, while the man has to look after the kids, work full-time, and do all the chores, basically "everything". Can't say the last time I've seen a person at work with a baby on the hip (except for a woman in our building, but she owns her own business). How on earth do you all manage to be so f*cking wonderful? It's a miracle, it really is. You need to be given medals, standing ovations. The rest of us mere mortals should bow down to you and your incredible ability to do absolutely everything and be so freaking perfect at it to boot.

This is what I mean about egos.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> but I think you might show a little more empathy in the way you're saying it.


I don't require you to agree with my tone. My post wasn't rude in any way, I simply disagree with the OP's position. Besides, I have far, far, far more empathy for her spouse. I don't understand at all why she can't manage to put a clean sheet on the bed and prioritizes talking on the phone or hanging out with her sister. Her husband is working all day and has the right to have a decent night's sleep on a made bed.



> From what I've read in this thread, we have a totally overwhelmed young mother being criticized for her inability to cope...


lol...Again what is with this sacrosanct, sainted nonsense about motherhood. She's got 1 kid and she's not handicapped or missing a limb. She's staying at home everyday and has obligations to meet. 

She came on here suggesting her working husband should do the laundry after working all day and her being home and I flat out disagree. He does his job...she should be doing hers. If you come onto to a public forum, people aren't going to necessarily agree with you and clearly her husband doesn't agree with her.

After he gets home, they should definitely split time with the child. But he's clearly so mad at her that he's checking out...and rightfully so.



> Too often though this subject leads to very polarizing discussions because the simple act of giving birth has essentially lifted women to sainthood in this society, leaving, and expecting the men tied to the woman to provide and do everything. The societal reinforcement, some of which is seen right here in this thread leads to a great deal of resentment.


Please don't lump all of us women into this. I certainly don't believe that I deserve special treatment because I'm female. I simply want equality and that means that I have a duty to hold up my end. Most women I know are like me and manage kids, work and home and understand their obligations and responsibilities. We don't all act like victims and princesses who can't perform simple tasks. In fact, most women I associate with are exactly the opposite...they're amazing.

I'm not sure what's going on with the victimized mommy nonsense going on in this thread but its tiresome.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> For sure, but telling her it's ok, her husband has no right to complain, and shouldn't have any expectations that she do anything because she is a new mom with a crying baby is unhelpful advice in the extreme, and will do far more damage in the long run as the resentment continues to build on both sides...


I agree with you, Sam. This isn't particularly helpful, either, but our focus should be on helping the OP rather than getting involved in side issues like this. As it is, I think the OP has been driven off.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm about to head off to work. Where's my cheer squad of females telling me that I should go lie down, after all, I only had a baby 6 years ago? Come on ladies, you're letting me down here. Gosh, I really need to go tell all my female friends that they shouldn't be working or doing household chores because apparently it's expected that the man does it all now. I must've missed the memo. Just think, all this time I could've been doing nothing, wasted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> For sure, but telling her it's ok, her husband has no right to complain, and shouldn't have any expectations that she do anything because she is a new mom with a crying baby is unhelpful advice in the extreme, and will do far more damage in the long run as the resentment continues to build on both sides...


Could you please point me to a post that said above? I must have missed it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

breeze said:


> I'm about to head off to work. Where's my cheer squad of females telling me that I should go lie down, after all, I only had a baby 6 years ago? Come on ladies, you're letting me down here. Gosh, I really need to go tell all my female friends that they shouldn't be working or doing household chores because apparently it's expected that the man does it all now. I must've missed the memo. Just think, all this time I could've been doing nothing, wasted.


Wow, talk about grossly misrepresenting what one side of this discussion has said. Not one person even suggested anything like this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I completely disagree. The young new mom should not have expectations heaped on her other than caring for the baby. If she manages to get other things done, GREAT! But her primary job is child care and HEALING from child birth. Labor and delivery place a huge strain on your body and it take time to heal from that. If you're not getting enough sleep the healing time is lengthened.

If you haven't given birth, you cannot possibly understand the draining fatigue HEALING from labor and delivery causes. You may understand what it's like to go a few nights with lousy sleep but you haven't got a clue what it's like to go 8-12 week with lousy sleep while trying to heal from labor and delivery. So yes, men need not apply!

Yes, this new mom could be better organized, but that will come in time. 

Her husband is an ass for expecting her to have the laundry done and getting angry. His first line should be, what do you need help with? 

OP, always have 3 sets of sheets for every bed. And tell you husband to kiss your ass. As soon as he has limited his cognition by 8 weeks of lousy interrupted sleep, a major stress event on the body which also includes continuing drain on the body by producing milk, he can then cry about having clean sheets!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@samyeagar, yes, it is 24/7. Can you, explain what the mother should do when she's off work and the baby cries? How about when she is sleeping and the baby cries? How about when she is stripping the bed to wash the sheets and the baby cries? What about on Sunday, shouldn't she have off on Sunday? So if it's Sunday and the baby cries, what should she do?

Yet, when you leave the office and the phone rings, what do you do? 
How about on Sunday and an email comes in, what then?

You're off work. You are not answering the phone, or emails, or responding to coworkers or employees, or bosses. You're off work so anything that happens has to wait until your back at work.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I don't require you to agree with my tone. My post wasn't rude in any way, I simply disagree with the OP's position. Besides, I have far, far, far more empathy for her spouse. I don't understand at all why she can't manage to put a clean sheet on the bed and prioritizes talking on the phone or hanging out with her sister. Her husband is working all day and has the right to have a decent night's sleep on a made bed.
> *
> I couldn't give a hoot what you "require." I was telling you what I think of your tone.*
> 
> ...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I would agree except that based on her post, it sounds like there's more going on here. She mentions that she has time to socialize with her sister, sister's bf and her mother and then when they go to bed, there's no sheet on the bed. Frankly, I wouldn't be sleeping on a bed without a sheet on it either and I wouldn't understand the priorities if she was socializing earlier in the evening.
> 
> Maybe what he's angry about is systematic not just isolated incidences. So maybe he had an outburst at 1am because he's simply at the end of his rope. There are a lot of people that have a very low tolerance for a messy, dirty house...for me, it seriously stresses me out. And if you're already in a position where you're managing with a fussy baby, staying on top of things is pretty important to reduce the chaos and help manage mood swings.


The initial post did seem to be full of "excuses" as to why nothing got done - socializing on the phone, then in person, then putting a swing together...

I also would not want to sleep w/out a sheet - I wonder why it was taken off the bed in the first place if laundry wasn't to be done right then and there are no back up sheets.

BUT - I also wonder what the husband was doing all the time that she was socializing and building a swing for the baby. Not working himself. I have never had or raised a baby, but what I've seen of them, they can be all consuming. I usually work 70 - 80 hours a week and I _*think*_ that would be less tiring than handling a frequently crying infant all day. 



EnigmaGirl said:


> There's no doubt that this couple overall needs to negotiate expectations, however, its absolutely silly to suggest that a SAHP with a 1-month old can't do simple chores. And its also unreasonable to suggest that the working parent should step in and have to manage those responsibilities. That's what I'm taking issue with.


I agree they need to negotiate expectations. But I think part of the problem may be that the husband does not value or understand how demanding what she is doing is. Like I said, I've never had an infant, but I have heard several women who went back to work say that leaving the house to go to work was actually a vacation to them compared to from the stress of being a SAHM.

It sounds to me like they are both working hard during the day, and then he comes home and thinks his contribution is done and he can play games while laundry piles up, but her job should run 24/7.

The fact that she can't get his attention to even talk about it is very concerning. I suspect they're both overwhelmed and escaping in different ways.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

OP, congratulations on your precious new baby. I just wanted to say I feel for you and sorry you are getting shamed here, (though I'm not surprised). It's way easier to take of baby and run a household when they are sleeping through the night. Not when you have nurse every 2-3 hours. I remember feeling like a zombie for at least the first 3 months after childbirth because of lack of sleep.

I also have one of those husbands that just kind goes on with their life after the babies are born. It's like their life hasn't been disrupted at all and your life has changed dramatically. It was super annoying to watch him just go off and do what he wanted when he wanted, golf, workout, play computer games. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with a newborn, cooking, cleaning, laundry, (or trying to), not once did he offer to help out, I ALWAYS had to ask for help, which again is super annoying.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> well I was the primary care giver for both my daughters and fed them, bathed them, cared for them more hours during the week then my x wife did. So am I qualified or do I lose out because I didn't birth them?


Sorry, you lose out. You were not primary care giver while recovering from childbirth. You were not doing housework with a baby latched to your breast most of the day.

It sounds as though you were a great father; however, you can not in all honesty claim that your experiences equal that of the OP's.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Bugged said:


> *Every *mother that i know that has gone back to work after maternity leave told me going back to work (full time)was like *GOING ON VACATION...*


That's what I have heard too. Many times.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

breeze said:


> I see a lot of ego on this thread. No wonder the OP bailed.


Absolutely. I wish I'd found this thread sooner :frown2:


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I was telling you what I think of your tone.


Irrelevant.



> I just gain the impression that the OP isn't coping and came here for advice, rather than a sainthood.


I got the impression that her husband isn't coping well. I understand why.



> Actually, the most tiresome part of this thread is your apparent inability to show the OP one iota of empathy


I can't show empathy for her because I don't agree with her insistence that her husband should be responsible for doing housework after he works all day.

I did actually agree with her that he should be splitting free time with her spending time with the baby.



> rather than berate her.


I actually never berated her. I disagreed with the main aspect of her initial post and I disagreed with all the subsequent ones that suggested that women with babies can't do laundry.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Just because one parent pushes out a child doesn't make them the automatic authority on being a good parent either. I am hands down a better parent than my x wife and that had nothing to do with gender.
> 
> If you want to talk about varying perspective then everyone experiences things differently. I know some women who thought being pregnant was the greatest time of ther lives and loved every minute of it. Others felt miserable the entire time and never wanted to repeat the experience. My only point is that if we are going to eliminate those who don't have the exact same experience then we need to pretty much eliminate them all because no two people are going to experience the same thing same gender or not.
> 
> So far as I know everyone posting here on this thread is a parent right? Did I miss somone here is posting who isn't a parent?


Well, I'm posting and I have been a parent to older children but not infants. But I agree with you that just because you have not experienced some exact thing does not mean you cannot have an opinion and comment on it.

Hopefully most of us are reasonably intelligent people with minds that are creative enough that we can mentally put ourselves in someone else's shoes and empathize with them without having had the exact, specific, same experience.

As I like to say - I don't need to *actually* taste a spoonful of dog crap to know it wouldn't taste good...

If we could only have an opinion worth considering on topics where we'd had that exact experience ourselves, there wouldn't be much conversation. Or objectivity.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It strikes me as I read the posts here and think about it that I could've written this OP's post 14 years ago when my older son was a baby, and probably 12 years ago when my younger son was a newborn. I was not working, completely overwhelmed, had severe PPD, no support system, and a husband who not only didn't lift a finger to help with the kids but barked at me when I hadn't met his standards of housework. Because when it came down to it I was his employee, not his wife. I did start working part time, during which time I had to get a sitter because watching kids wasn't a man's job, according to ex hb.

Let's add that I had two cases of preecclampsia and severe tearing with lots of stitching, and was in a fair amount of pain. If I'd had my mom or sister close by you're damn right the friggen laundry wouldn't have been done, I sure as sh!t couldn't talk to husband so basically I had nobody to talk to. He used to bark at me for talking to my father on the phone even though he didn't want to talk to me. And both of my kids were fairly easy babies beyond the fact that they nursed and thus wanted to eat a lot. Looking back if they'd been difficult I would've had a breakdown.

And since I had no regular schedule I was sleep deprived constantly, and frankly couldn't think straight most of the time. To be honest, I've never been that great of a housekeeper; my mom wasn't either. We absolutely didn't live in filth but I didn't do things like ex husband's mommy. It would appear that some women are superwoman and managed to walk uphill both ways in blazing heat with snow up to their waist but I wasn't one of them.

I used to sometimes take a few minutes at home to think about what else I could do to keep him from barking at me. It never worked.

Guess what? I divorced him, got a job, now make 3 times more than him and have a new husband who does housework. My job is fairly demanding now, I work plenty of hours but for me personally it's still much easier than dealing with young kids. I go to bed and get plenty of sleep, and these days I even manage to cook some dinner and clean when husband doesn't. We share like that.

And my boys and I are quite close, since they know who did for them and who was interested in their care. They see their father but they know who they have to go to whenever they need something.

This is a small block of time in their lives, when the kids are little, and sometimes things don't get done. That's something you're supposed to work together on and seldom are things really 50/50 in marriage. Sometimes it's 80/20 but you hope that long term it evens out.

With all due respect to everyone here if someone had lectured me at the time to get off my arse and do some laundry I would've had a big, fat middle finger for both you and the horse you rode in on. But that time did pass and eventually I started taking care of stuff again, except that then I got rid of jerk hubby.

Now if her kid gets to be 6 and she's still not doing some laundry that's different, then Houston has a problem.

Of course I can't say that her husband is the kind of jerk my ex was, maybe he's not. I just don't see how him being nasty about it is going to accomplish anything just as I don't see how lecturing her here is going to accomplish anything. The only real solution to this is for them to sit down together and communicate, and both of them may need to accept that not everything is going to get done for a while.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I agree they need to negotiate expectations. But I think part of the problem may be that the husband does not value or understand how demanding what she is doing is. Like I said, I've never had an infant, but I have heard several women who went back to work say that leaving the house to go to work was actually a vacation to them compared to from the stress of being a SAHM.
> 
> It sounds to me like they are both working hard during the day, and then he comes home and thinks his contribution is done and he can play games while laundry piles up, but her job should run 24/7.


I agree and I don't think she values his position either. If she did, she wouldn't expect him to do the simple things that she should be doing during the time he's at work.

If you read my initial posts, I stated that they were both disrespecting each other, however, he's not on here suggesting that she should get off her azz and go to work. She's the one here suggesting that her husband should work all day and take care of her responsibilities at home. That's the material point.

By the way, I'm on vacation for the next two weeks with my kids...and I totally disagree with the premise that taking care of kids and the house is easier than earning a living. I've been in a jogging suit with my hair in a hairband listening to music and taking breaks all day. No meetings, no getting dressed, no dealing with traffic. Granted, I wouldn't just want to do this all day, every day because it would get repetitive but no one has to unless they choose to.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> ...She came on here suggesting her working husband should do the laundry after working all day and her being home and I flat out disagree. He does his job...she should be doing hers. If you come onto to a public forum, people aren't going to necessarily agree with you and clearly her husband doesn't agree with her....


I didn't get *that *from her post, as much as I got that she is overwhelmed and doesn't want her husband to be angry at her when she doesn't get around to what he has decided are her chores.

It sounds like they are both neglecting each other, which I hear is very common (and dangerous for a marriage) when baby come along.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, it sounds as though you're going through a very tough time and I'm wondering what your paediatrician's advice is regarding your son's GERD? I ask because my son also suffered from this very badly as an infant, but with the right meds and a reclining baby 'chair' that allowed him to sleep moreorless upright for the first 6 month of his life, things went far better. Also, apparently babies mistake the discomfort caused by GERD as hunger, which might explain him appearing to be continually hungry. Again, your paediatrician's advice on this might be very helpful.

There's nothing more tiring and debilitating than a wailing infant, and it doesn't help that your H isn't particularly helpful or supportive of you when he's home, and this certainly needs to be addressed. However, it does sound as though you need some professional advice regarding your baby's GERD so that you are able to establish a routine that will help you to take care of the daily household chores and enable you and your H to spend some quality time together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm closing this thread. 

Gllangel, if you do come back either PM me and I'll reopen this thread. Or start a new one.


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