# Waiting for acceptance in a sexless marriage



## LeahH (Apr 14, 2013)

My husband and I have been married many years, and had a good sex life until a few years ago. I know it's natural, as we age, to maybe not have sex as often-but we still used to have sex about once a week and it was pretty good. A few years ago we had some financial and other issues (which have been cleared up),that put a damper on our sex lives. We began having sex only about once every two months and only if I initiated and did all foreplay and practically begged. I tried spicing things up, to interest him, but he began to avoid all physical contact-probably in fear that I'd want sex. When we did have sex, it was as if he was only doing it because I'd pressured him into it. It was awful. After a year of this, my self esteem was (is) shredded. I blamed myself. I told him we'd wait until he was ready. It's now been 16 months. He's been to the doctor but there's not much help to be had there. Viagra won't help if you don't want the sex to begin with either. He's not having an affair, he says he's just not interested. He does not want to discuss the fact that he looks at porn sometimes.

How do I get past my anger and hurt to go on with my marriage? At this point, I feel so raw and wounded that if my husband approached me for sex now, I'd just shrivel up and cry. I've spent so long trying to smother my sex drive that I'm not sure I could even have sex again. I just want to stop feeling bad and get on with our lives.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

How old are you both? 

Generally, I don't think anyone should just "accept" being sexless for the rest of their lives, but your age makes a difference.

Is there any reason why he would change how he feels attracted to you, such as huge weight gain, etc?

Is there any reason, other than age, that might explain him losing his sex drive, such as huge weight gain on his part? Did his doctor say anything about this?



LeahH said:


> He does not want to discuss the fact that he looks at porn sometimes.


Is that bothering you? Looking at porn "sometimes" is perfectly normal, even for a man that doesn't want sex. It might even help if you both watch porn together. From the situation you describe, it certainly can't hurt.


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## LeahH (Apr 14, 2013)

We're both in our 50's and have both gained a little weight over the years but nothing excessive. I don't generally have an issue with the porn, never have had as long as I wasn't expected to "compete" and that he had some interest for me too. We've tried viewing it together in the past. 
The doctor said that age, weight, certain meds, stress..all contribute to a lower sex drive. That was it really.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

50's is way too young to accept a sexless marriage. There is a good chance you have at least as many remaing years together as you've already been married. That's a long time...

I've read testosterone does decrease with age. I think there are things you can do to maximize your bodies potential however. Good nutrition and exercise are a good start. You can find tons of information on the web. It sounds to me this is the issue as apparently it's the drive he's lacking.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

LeahH said:


> He does not want to discuss the fact that he looks at porn sometimes.


If he's watching porn, then he's masturbating. The two go hand in hand (pun intended).

Moral aspects aside, the problem with porn in a marriage is it is a coping mechanism. Can't get your sexual outlet from your spouse, so you get it from porn. But, the fact that you have a sexual outlet means you don't work on the sexual problems with your spouse.

Anything that makes it easier to live with a problem makes it less likely you will fix the problem.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

LeahH said:


> The doctor said that age, weight, certain meds, stress..all contribute to a lower sex drive. That was it really.


OK, so you know the WHY, now what?

Is he overweight? Have him start exercising. He will lose weight and start producing testosterone naturally.

What meds is he on and what does the doctor suggest?

Stress? Exercise will help with that, too.

But these are all HIS problems and you have to let him know that a fulfilling, intimate sexual component is necessary in the marriage. You promised monogamy but not celibacy and it's up to HIM to figure out how to correct the problem.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I really feel for you and was somewhat in the same boat except my STBXW never really ever had my sexual needs and desires as a priority.

After failed attempts of rekindling the flame, I gave up and filed for divorce. Only after becoming aware of my intentions had she changed her point of view...a little too late for me. If it wasn't something she wanted to do as part of a healthy, loving marriage, it isn't genuine and don't think it would have remained as a priority moving forward.

I have put my own needs to the bottom of the barrel for far too long. I realized that my needs are just as important as anyone else's.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Low T absolutely kills libido. There are many ways to attack low T. Starting with exercise, especially weights (but do it safely so he doesn't wreck his back). Reduce alcohol, stop smoking. Improve the diet.

Vit D, Zinc, and Vit E can all help.

Then there are more aggressive things such as dhea or testosterone supplements. These need experiences supervision, not just his regular doc or regular urologist. 

He should have a good thorough workup by an endochrinologist. All of his hormones should be measured. Maybe he needs some thyroid boost or something else.

Suzanne Somers has some great info on her website and in her books.


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## LeahH (Apr 14, 2013)

He does exercise, doesn't smoke or drink and low testosterone is most likely a contributing factor but he can't (for medical reasons) take hormone replacements. I'll check out some online resources though and review our diet/vitamins. He's a really good person and I know he loves me and is committed to our marriage. I don't think he knows what to do either and does not want to talk about it because it makes him feel bad. I'd just like for us to get past it at this point.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

To have an adult sexual relationship, you need to be able to discuss sex like adults. The fact that your husband "does not want to discuss the fact that he looks at porn sometimes", just shows immaturity. You may have to be the first to "grow up" and start forcing those discussions whether he wants to have them or not.


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## LeahH (Apr 14, 2013)

The problem with insisting on talking about it more is that we would end up having sex again mainly because he feels pressured to. We did that for a year, it was very destructive. I'd rather do without than live like that again. I just can't describe how that felt.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"The problem with insisting on talking about it more is that we would end up having sex again mainly because he feels pressured to."

Then this is your part. You need to stand up for your sexual needs and getting "please don't make me talk about this sex" from your husband is something you should not accept.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Is he diabetic?


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## LeahH (Apr 14, 2013)

No, not diabetic and in pretty good health.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

What is the reason he cannot take hormones?


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## LeahH (Apr 14, 2013)

The risk of colon/prostate cancer, it runs in the family.


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