# Listening?



## pnut (Dec 10, 2011)

Hello everyone, this is my first post here...

I specifically joined this site to get some advice about listening. The problem is that my boyfriend doesn't believe me when I say that I'm listening to him because I will be doing other things at the same time. 

When I try to convince him that I am in fact listening, and I repeat what he said and understand everything that happened, he doesn't take that for a valid response. He doesn't think that you can listen and do other things.

Sometimes I do see how it can seem like I am in fact not listening, because I will comment on other things that are happening. But I am willing to work on that.

He says that he doesn't mind when I'm actually not listening and I tell him that, but that "lying" to him with a straight face is what gets him angry. The problem is that I'm not lying, and he doesn't believe that I'm telling the truth.

So the big question is: How do i convince him that I am listening without getting into a giant argument? Because right now all I can think of to do is pretend that I was in fact not listening to him just so that we don't get into an argument.

This has happened before, and it will happen again I just want to know if there's anything I can do as a preventative measure for the future...


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Stop what you are doing.

Sit directly across from him.

Look him in the eyes.

Listen.

You don't need to do it every time. But doing it when it is important matters.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

:iagree:

Its not that your not listening, its that you arent providing him with your full attention when he is talking to you.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Your BF is right. Even if you are listening he deserves you should stop whatever you are doing to do that. He may be talking rubbish and most likely is that isnt the point. He is talking to you.


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## pnut (Dec 10, 2011)

accept said:


> Your BF is right. Even if you are listening he deserves you should stop whatever you are doing to do that. He may be talking rubbish and most likely is that isnt the point. He is talking to you.


So I'm supposed to stop whatever I'm doing whenever he talks to me? That seems a bit extreme. Last night I was doing the dishes and he was telling me a story about King of the Hill...

It's not even the fact that he thinks I'm not listening that's the biggest problem. It's the fact that whenever he accuses me of not listening there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to stop an argument. If I agree that I wasn't listening, he gets mad. If I say that I was listening, he gets mad. If I say sorry, he gets mad.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

No you dont have to stop whatever you are doing. But dont start doing anything. At least give him a time when you will be all ears if you are in the middle of something. If he says its important (even if you afterwards realise it wasnt) still stop and say nothing of it. Even better tell him to help you do the dishes so you will be ready quicker for him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

pnut said:


> So I'm supposed to stop whatever I'm doing whenever he talks to me?


Why not? You consider this extreme? Heck, you're washing the dishes, not performing open-heart surgery.



pnut said:


> whenever he accuses me of not listening there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to stop an argument. If I agree that I wasn't listening, he gets mad. If I say that I was listening, he gets mad. If I say sorry, he gets mad.


Maybe your not listening is just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe you should sit him down and ask him exactly why he's getting mad, because whether you fess up to not listening or apologize, he's still p.o.'d. What's that really about?


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## pnut (Dec 10, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Why not? You consider this extreme? Heck, you're washing the dishes, not performing open-heart surgery.


If I stopped whatever I was doing whenever he talked to me I would never get anything done. It's not stopping the task which is extreme, it's the concept that whatever he is doing is more important than what I am doing.

The allmighty Jay approacheth and will bless me with his words, surely I should put everything on hold to listen to his wisdom!
"I just took the biggest ****."
Thank you oh great one for bestowing your knowledge onto me! I will cherish this time we spent together forever!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Not what he is doing. What he is saying. Slightly different.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

pnut said:


> If I stopped whatever I was doing whenever he talked to me I would never get anything done. It's not stopping the task which is extreme, it's the concept that whatever he is doing is more important than what I am doing.


Ever thought of breaking up with him? From what you describe, he sounds like a self-centered person. He thinks what he's doing is more important. So what do you see in someone like this? Doesn't sound attractive or appealing to me ... JMO.


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## pnut (Dec 10, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Ever thought of breaking up with him? From what you describe, he sounds like a self-centered person. He thinks what he's doing is more important. So what do you see in someone like this? Doesn't sound attractive or appealing to me ... JMO.


This is the only part of the relationship that we get into fights about. It doesn't happen a lot, but when it does happen it's a big deal. Neither of us can walk away from the argument/discussion feeling like we've accomplished something. It just goes in circles.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If you respect and care about your boyfriend, take the time to give him your attention. It is most certainly important to him or it wouldn't be causing this issue. 

You may not need to stop what you are doing, but you need to converse back with him either asking questions about what he is talking about or repeating what he is saying. This will show you are paying attention to him. 

If this is the only thing wrong in your relationship, then you are lucky.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

As other people have said - make time for him. If he is simply doing it to be controlling or self-centered, then I think you have a bigger problem. Also, you could try doing most of the housework and activities when he isn't home... Or schedule time during the week when he knows you are going to be busy and he shouldn't bother you. Perhaps he should be helping you do the chores, then he won't have the time to talk to you and an argument won't occur.

If you aren't willing to make time for your H and change your behavior to make him feel better, then I honestly don't know what to tell you. 

I have a suspicion he isn't angry because he feels like you aren't listening to him... He's probably angry because he feels it's rude that you aren't giving him your full attention and the argument is his release.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

My wife used to do that to me and I hated it. 

She now understands that I dont care if she can multi task.

It offended me when she felt the need to do two things at once when one of them was listening to me. 

Knock it off. Its not hard.


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## CtK (Nov 27, 2011)

My gf doesn't listen to me quite a bit, but I'm generally fine with that...I usually don't want to put effort into half of the stories I tell anyway, so it's a relief to just cut off the conversation when I see she's tuned out. She usually tells me honestly that she's tuned out. But, if I tune HER out, she gets MAD.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

pnut said:


> Neither of us can walk away from the argument/discussion feeling like we've accomplished something. It just goes in circles.


Which means it is fruitless to argue about it. Neither one of you can wear the other down. It's not what you argue about, it's how you argue. Something's gotta give. 

You said this issue is the only one you fight about, but "it doesn't happen a lot." However, when I suggested you set aside what you are doing you responded, "If I stopped whatever I was doing whenever he talked to me I would never get anything done." Sounds like he talks and you ignore a lot more than it just being a once-in-awhile thing. You also go onto to make, what I assume, is a sarcastic comment as to how "allmighty Jay" just HAS to tell you he just took a dump.

The knife doesn't slice both ways. Either this happens occasionally, and you can afford to put aside what you are doing and listen to him, or he wants you to hang on his every word (and he's quite the verbose fellow) and drop everything, which means you get nothing done.

I'm hearing two versions of what is actually going on.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> Stop what you are doing.
> 
> Sit directly across from him.
> 
> ...


Absolutely! This is a very respectful thing to do. My husband and I both do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

You dont need to stop what your doing, I think you boyfriend needs to learn that he isn't the centre of attention and that there is such a thing called multi tasking. If his talking about serious stuff like your relationship then yeah you should stop what your doing and talk but general chat like tv, music, etc... can wait. I think you should talk to your boyfriend and explain to him that when your doing something normal chat can wait if he wants your attention so bad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

pnut said:


> If I stopped whatever I was doing whenever he talked to me I would never get anything done. It's not stopping the task which is extreme, it's the concept that whatever he is doing is more important than what I am doing.
> 
> The allmighty Jay approacheth and will bless me with his words, surely I should put everything on hold to listen to his wisdom!
> "I just took the biggest ****."
> Thank you oh great one for bestowing your knowledge onto me! I will cherish this time we spent together forever!


How often does this happen? How many times a day or a week?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> My wife used to do that to me and I hated it.
> 
> She now understands that I dont care if she can multi task.
> 
> ...


Is this when she is already doing something? When you walk up and start talking to her, do you expect her to stop doing whatever she is doing?


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

pnut said:


> If I stopped whatever I was doing whenever he talked to me I would never get anything done. It's not stopping the task which is extreme, it's the concept that whatever he is doing is more important than what I am doing.
> 
> The allmighty Jay approacheth and will bless me with his words, surely I should put everything on hold to listen to his wisdom!
> "I just took the biggest ****."
> Thank you oh great one for bestowing your knowledge onto me! I will cherish this time we spent together forever!


Hes less important than the dishes?

I can see why he would get upset by reading your post.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SadSamIAm said:


> You may not need to stop what you are doing, but you need to converse back with him either asking questions about what he is talking about or repeating what he is saying. This will show you are paying attention to him.


This is what I would suggest....are you able to get a word in edgewise when he speaks ? if so, show some enthusiam, ask questions about what he is talking about, even if you are doing the dishes, showing an engaging interest -even if not looking directly at him across the table SHOULD be enough for most people for Most of the time. 

If he still wants MORE "stop what you are doing to look me in straight in the eyes" type listening & he is an OBSESSIVE talker, requiring OODLES of your time, I can see why it would be an issue, I would feel like my house was falling apart around me. 

I do a ton of multi-tasking but I can lively engage back & forth during it all -with juggling kids, more kids, husband , phone calls, and lots of things to get done, noone has ever felt slighted that I know of.... I generally talk back with an enthusiatic interested tone . Of coare if they are obsessive talkers (have a few friends like this , I want to go run away- I do not ask them any questions -yikes!)


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