# wanted to have sex, but



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

The wife will once again be home late. And she wonders why I am not in the mood when she does finally get home.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

What if you waited up and then jumped her when she comes through the door? Would she go for that?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

So what? Tell her to wake you up by grabbing your chunk. I used to love when my wife went out with her friends for a few drinks and came home late. I knew I was always going to get a nice wake up call.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

What days do you come home late? When you do, what does she do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

gbrad said:


> The wife will once again be home late. And she wonders why I am not in the mood when she does finally get home.


So when she comes home early you are in the mood?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I don't come home late so that scenario is not relevant. 
I also don't like having sex right before going to sleep (which is when she likes to). I thought she would be home at a normal time today and would surprise her. But no.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Didn't she just get back from a trip to see her AP? Maybe you are a different guy.

If you are that guy, and she's staying out late, then...how is this reconciliation?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Didn't she just get back from a trip to see her AP? Maybe you are a different guy.
> 
> If you are that guy, and she's staying out late, then...how is this reconciliation?


Different guy.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh thank god!! :rofl:

Sorry, OP! Why is she out late? Why can't she wake you up?


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> oh thank god!! :rofl:
> 
> Sorry, op! Why is she out late? Why can't she wake you up?


lmao!!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

If I recall from another thread gbrad does not like to be woken for BJ's or sex.

gbrad - you can't really be annoyed if this was going to a surprise.... unless your mad cause she can't mind read too??

Can't help but think your just looking for reasons to be crabby with her... this sounds really unreasonable and rather immature.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. You want sex on your terms but dang, can't bend a little for her terms?

Sex before sleep is the best. I really cannot get into it right when I get home from work. Dang. Let me unwind and decompress.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

gbrad. You wife want's to be intimate with you. Please do not take this for granted man. These small instances of your annoyance will add up and it will not be good for your marriage. You want sex when you want it. I get that but it's two people. Would you rather sulk in grumpiness or welcome chances to have intimate connections with your wife?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Didn't she just get back from a trip to see her AP? Maybe you are a different guy.
> 
> If you are that guy, and she's staying out late, then...how is this reconciliation?


um, no. different person.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

FalconKing said:


> gbrad. You wife want's to be intimate with you. Please do not take this for granted man. These small instances of your annoyance will add up and it will not be good for your marriage. You want sex when you want it. I get that but it's two people. Would you rather sulk in grumpiness or welcome chances to have intimate connections with your wife?


It is not just this one time. part of the reason we have a limited amount of sex is because we want it at different times most of the time. So usually when we do have sex one of us is basically giving in because the other one wants it.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Oh thank god!! :rofl:
> 
> Sorry, OP! Why is she out late? Why can't she wake you up?


It is not that I was going to be a sleep. She gets home before I go to bed, she just gets home late a lot. If I were a sleep, I would be pissed if she woke me up for anything that wasn't an emergency.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. I'm glad my husband isn't like that!!


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Wow. I'm glad my husband isn't like that!!


Everybody is different, I don't like my sleep to be disturbed. That is just a pet peeve of mine.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> It is not that I was going to be a sleep. She gets home before I go to bed, she just gets home late a lot. If I were a sleep, I would be pissed if she woke me up for anything that wasn't an emergency.


Is it work related? Her coming home late I mean.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

FalconKing said:


> Is it work related? Her coming home late I mean.


Most of the time.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like a few strategically placed pet peeves that block a happy intimate relationship.

If you want sex (from her, not all the time but some of the time) and you know she wants sex from you (not all the time but some of the time) then just be the one to make it happen - it is not conceding anything, you wouldn't be giving anything away, you would be bonding with your W, plus I'm sure even if you didn't have the most enthusiasm, I'm sure hers would "rub off on you" well enough that you'd come to attention.

If there are any regrets I have about my failed, sexless, marriage, this is the biggest one - we were both so stubborn to just make it happen - she never once came into my room (yes we kept separate beds:banghead and I always felt like I'd offend her if I went into her room - well in hindsight she needed me to offend her a little.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Lon said:


> Sounds like a few strategically placed pet peeves that block a happy intimate relationship.
> 
> If you want sex (from her, not all the time but some of the time) and you know she wants sex from you (not all the time but some of the time) then just be the one to make it happen - it is not conceding anything, you wouldn't be giving anything away, you would be bonding with your W, plus I'm sure even if you didn't have the most enthusiasm, I'm sure hers would "rub off on you" well enough that you'd come to attention.
> 
> If there are any regrets I have about my failed, sexless, marriage, this is the biggest one - we were both so stubborn to just make it happen - she never once came into my room (yes we kept separate beds:banghead and I always felt like I'd offend her if I went into her room - well in hindsight she needed me to offend her a little.


I agree with this. Gbrad I read some of your other post. You are in the mist of checking out of your marriage. You've mentioned how don't mind having female friends, you've considered divorce, how you don't always prefer intimate conversations with your wife because you don't like dealing with the emotions. Now you are saying that you would much rather sleep then have sex with your wife at night. You don't look forward to connecting to your wife. You are not inconvenienced by your wife's late night, you are inconvenienced perhaps by her in general man


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

FalconKing said:


> I agree with this. Gbrad I read some of your other post. You are in the mist of checking out of your marriage. You've mentioned how don't mind having female friends, you've considered divorce, how you don't always prefer intimate conversations with your wife because you don't like dealing with the emotions. Now you are saying that you would much rather sleep then have sex with your wife at night. You don't look forward to connecting to your wife. You are not inconvenienced by your wife's late night, you are inconvenienced perhaps by her in general man


I know you said a lot in there, but "saying that you would much rather sleep than have sex with your wife at night." 
Why is this an issue. At night, people need to sleep. It is important to have some rest for the following day. Sex can happen at other times besides when it is time to sleep. And my wife knows my preference about this. I have told her what time I prefer to have sex by and later than that I would rather not. 
Yes, some of those other things you mentioned are true.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

I would just be more flexible than that for my marriage. But I understand you really like a good night's rest I guess.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

FalconKing said:


> I would just be more flexible than that for my marriage. But I understand you really like a good night's rest I guess.


While it sounds like it is that simple. There is more to it than that. But it is unfortunate and frustrating. It is hard when my wife is home so rarely, it limits the opportunity.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

All the best sex I've had (with the exception of a lazy Saturday in bed one time) happened after midnight - that is the time when it seems the glue works better, to me atleast. I have more energy earlier in the evening, and personally prefer it in the afternoon, but those moments staying up or even better, being woken, to make love to my W in the early hours were absolutely worth the sacrifice. As hard as I know it will be, if I ever have a future relationship I will always try to make it work late at night, even if I'm tired - I think anybody who is a parent knows there could be a lot less rewarding reasons to be kept up all night.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Could she change jobs maybe? Who is generally the more affectionate one in the relationship feel?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

FalconKing said:


> Could she change jobs maybe? Who is generally the more affectionate one in the relationship feel?


She is usually the more affectionate one and no, changing jobs is not an option.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

waiwera said:


> If I recall from another thread gbrad does not like to be woken for BJ's or sex.
> 
> Say it ain't so!!!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

While I don't share your aversion to eing woken up, especially for a BJ, this is your life and you likely have expressed this issue to your wife, so she should honor it. Additionally, you should honor her desire to not have sex earlier, as I'm sure you've been made aware of this.

As such, look for a compromise. Can't you have a nap in the afternoon/early evening and stay up a little later at night?


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I know you said a lot in there, but "saying that you would much rather sleep than have sex with your wife at night."
> Why is this an issue. At night, people need to sleep. It is important to have some rest for the following day. Sex can happen at other times besides when it is time to sleep. And my wife knows my preference about this. I have told her what time I prefer to have sex by and later than that I would rather not.
> Yes, some of those other things you mentioned are true.


I agree. I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to be woken up when you are sleeping. It varies for every person (and situation), but sleep in this house is vital for both my husband and I. We're interrupted all the time by our small children so sleeping through the night uninterrupted is rare. I wouldn't dream of waking up my husband if I didn't have to. We would BOTH be annoyed if we woke up the other person for sex. This does not mean that we don't value intimate connection with the other person.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It sounds as if it's not a matter of preference, and not what time you'd "rather" have sex - it sounds like it is an uncompromising boundary and that you "refuse" after your cutoff time.

It is your life and you make your own boundaries, so I can't criticize you for it. But I can't accept you then complaining about the consequences of it - your W has her own boundaries and it seems you both have walls that do not overlap.

So what are YOU going to do about it gbrad? I mean we all have tried offering up our perspectives to help you find a solution or things to consider changing but you are steadfast - based on what I've been able to glean from all your posts (which I have followed closely for some reason) I assume your W is less rigid about her boundaries than you are but doesn't have a clear understanding about yours or feels any need for conformity. This is where communication really comes in, because nothing will change until one of you change it, and if you aren't clear about the kind of changes you want or need you can't expect the outcome you want or need.

If you really want sex, then take her when she gets home, and if you'd rather sleep then it is futile and pointless to complain about the lack of sex.

If it is about quality time with your spouse, then make it about that rather than sex, but the same logic applies, you need to communicate your needs and also be willing to respect hers, and that process clearly isn't going on in your relationship - marriage counselling would do you a world of benefit.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

gbrad said:


> While it sounds like it is that simple. There is more to it than that. But it is unfortunate and frustrating. It is hard when my wife is home so rarely, it limits the opportunity.


"It" doesn't limit the opportunity, you do.

Seriously you need to nut up. Do you need your beauty rest? Are you crabby the next day if you don't get your 8 hrs? 

I don't give a $hit what time of day or night it is, and neither should you. If the opportunity presents itself, lay the pipe. Stop making it so complicated.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I guess I don't know your complete story, but it sounds like you are a very structured person that like things a particular way. BTW, do you have OCD or Aspergers?

I'm guessing your wife works in the medical field or some other field where she has to work the afternoon shift while you're on a regular 8 - 5 job? I can see how that can crimp the sex life, but the bottom line is that you must be more of an LD person to be so particular of the time for sex. 

You two need to find a better compromise. Easier said than done, I know, but communication is your friend in this situation.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Wow. A perfect example of my unpopular thread about being resentful about not getting sex.... when you didn't even ask for it in the first place.

Ì would have initiated sex... but she came home late.



So my question is... did she KNOW you were wanting have sex and did you talk to her about it later. Like... tell her you were thinking about, but she came home late. Wonder what she would say about it. Just curious.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Lon said:


> It sounds as if it's not a matter of preference, and not what time you'd "rather" have sex - it sounds like it is an uncompromising boundary and that you "refuse" after your cutoff time.
> 
> It is your life and you make your own boundaries, so I can't criticize you for it. But I can't accept you then complaining about the consequences of it - your W has her own boundaries and it seems you both have walls that do not overlap.
> 
> ...


It is true that I am more rigid than her in these type of boundaries. But the fact that she is home a lot less often than me add to the problem. If i come home and have a drink, chances are I am going to have a little desire. If it is a few hours later until she gets home, that desire could be long gone before she gets there. I have gotten to the point where i don't wait for her anymore. I have done that in the past and have been burned. I can recall multiple times where she said when she would be home and I counted on that, anticipating surprising her with some combination of romance or sex, to only be forced to wait an hour or more after the time that was originally stated. Eventually you get disappointed that often and it is hard to keep trying. 

You are right as are others as they have stated that marriage counseling could be quite beneficial to our relationship, but I have no idea how to bring something like that up to her and to actually make it happen. If I were to be the one to bring something like that up, then it would throw red flags in the air to her that I am THAT concerned about our marriage.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Speed said:


> "It" doesn't limit the opportunity, you do.
> 
> Seriously you need to nut up. Do you need your beauty rest? Are you crabby the next day if you don't get your 8 hrs?
> 
> I don't give a $hit what time of day or night it is, and neither should you. If the opportunity presents itself, lay the pipe. Stop making it so complicated.


Maybe for you, but I don't desire sex with my wife that significantly that I can just go at it any time. 
And it is not about beauty sleep, it is about disrupting the habits and tendencies with which I live day to day. I don't like my schedule screwed with.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

gbrad said:


> You are right as are others as they have stated that marriage counseling could be quite beneficial to our relationship, but I have no idea how to bring something like that up to her and to actually make it happen. *If I were to be the one to bring something like that up, then it would throw red flags in the air to her that I am THAT concerned about our marriage.*


yes, that would be the point.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I guess I don't know your complete story, but it sounds like you are a very structured person that like things a particular way. BTW, do you have OCD or Aspergers?
> 
> I'm guessing your wife works in the medical field or some other field where she has to work the afternoon shift while you're on a regular 8 - 5 job? I can see how that can crimp the sex life, but the bottom line is that you must be more of an LD person to be so particular of the time for sex.
> 
> You two need to find a better compromise. Easier said than done, I know, but communication is your friend in this situation.


Structured, yes. OCD, some people have said that. I like to say that I just prefer things a certain way. 
No my wife does not work in the medical field. We work similar shifts, she just regularly works more significantly more than 40 hours a week (I have previously stated that she is a workaholic). 
I guess you can say I am LD. I am particular about when I like to have sex with my wife. Though I can say I take care of it myself a lot more often than we have sex.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Lon said:


> yes, that would be the point.


I would prefer it if she brought up the idea of marriage counseling. Any ideas of how to make that happen.


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## Bold&Honest (Oct 21, 2012)

My two cents… I have yet to meet a couple that wants to have sex at the exact same time. My husband is a morning kind of guy I'm afternoon kind of woman sometimes I want to before bed sometimes he does it changes all the time. If you are going to start scheduling sex you're going to lose the romantic part of it but she may start having more sex. If you want intimate loving sex with your wife on your terms then you and her need to start spending time together during the day. The other option is to deprive yourself Of any form of masturbation so that when she wants it and you and her are together you want it badly... it's very easy to get caught up in pleasing yourself than it is to build the lust and wait for the release with her. If you continue down this road you will lose all of the sex in your marriage and therefore lose the marriage because a sexless marriage can only last so long… As far as I can tell anyways. It sounds like you want to do things on your terms more than you actually want to do the tasks. I wish you well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I would prefer it if she brought up the idea of marriage counseling. Any ideas of how to make that happen.


Well you could keep waiting while continuing to sabotage the happiness. But that doesn't seem to be working so far.

One big risk you run with that though, is she may snap and check out of the marriage before she considers MC beneficial too, maybe she has already and has an exit strategy planned - if you don't communicate to each other daily and on a frequent bases you may never know.

If that's what you want, MC, then my advice is to not be passive, you have a right, and a duty, to tell her you think marriage counselling would be valuable.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Bold&Honest said:


> My two cents… I have yet to meet a couple that wants to have sex at the exact same time. My husband is a morning kind of guy I'm afternoon kind of woman sometimes I want to before bed sometimes he does it changes all the time. If you are going to start scheduling sex you're going to lose the romantic part of it but she may start having more sex. If you want intimate loving sex with your wife on your terms then you and her need to start spending time together during the day. The other option is to deprive yourself Of any form of masturbation so that when she wants it and you and her are together you want it badly... it's very easy to get caught up in pleasing yourself than it is to build the lust and wait for the release with her. If you continue down this road you will lose all of the sex in your marriage and therefore lose the marriage because a sexless marriage can only last so long… As far as I can tell anyways. It sounds like you want to do things on your terms more than you actually want to do the tasks. I wish you well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hmm, We have tried scheduling sex in the past. It lasts for a short period of time and then we get away from it. Usually because she has a reason those scheduled times don't work. I am perfectly happy with scheduled sex. I know when it is going to happen, I can prepare myself mentally for it. I can make sure that I don't do anything myself soon before it. I like scheduled sex, she doesn't as much.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Don't have kids. You will not sleep or have sex with your rigid schedule.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Shiksa said:


> Don't have kids. You will not sleep or have sex with your rigid schedule.


ha ha


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> ha ha


You think it's a joke? :scratchhead:
I know you two have had problems TTC, but seriously, if you need to maintain such a rigid schedule, don't have kids. They don't start out on that perfect schedule. They don't sleep through the night right away. They have to wake up every 2-4 hours to eat. And it varies whether it is 2 or 3 or 4 hours.

Now, about MC. Why does it have to be her that brings it up? If there is a problem, just tell her "Look, we need some outside help to get past these issues. We need to see a MC. We CANNOT keep going along like this." Why can't YOU just say that?

Gbrad, answer honestly...do you WANT to stay married to this woman? And right now, based on the posts you have made on this site thus far, I'd say an "IDK" answer is the same as saying "no". So think carefully, and answer honestly. Do you love her? Do you WANT to spend the rest of your life with her?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. If you cannot have your schedule messed with, DO NOT have children.

Good grief.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> You think it's a joke? :scratchhead:
> I know you two have had problems TTC, but seriously, if you need to maintain such a rigid schedule, don't have kids. They don't start out on that perfect schedule. They don't sleep through the night right away. They have to wake up every 2-4 hours to eat. And it varies whether it is 2 or 3 or 4 hours.
> 
> Now, about MC. Why does it have to be her that brings it up? If there is a problem, just tell her "Look, we need some outside help to get past these issues. We need to see a MC. We CANNOT keep going along like this." Why can't YOU just say that?
> ...


I know the whole kid comment thing was not a joke. I have also stated how much I want kids. Trust me, I understand greatly how much kids change someones life. (out of privacy reasons I am not going to go into detail my reasoning for knowing). Given that, I still want to have my own kids in the worst way. It pains me greatly that I have not had any yet. 

For MC, If I am the one to bring it up, she is going to straight out ask me why and what extreme things are causing me to say this. I am not the type of person to recommend something like this, so she would perceive

it as something major. I would rather the issues and conversation about it come out slowly at the MC than all at once alone there with her. If she tried to talk and ask about all of it right there I know it would not come out very well and the result would not be good. But if she suggested it I could atleast decide for her to agree to it and then slowly talk about some of the issues with the Marriage Counselor there as a moderator/buffer. 

You are right that I would probably say IDK to your last question. The reality is that I probably don't, but if it does end I want to make it end in the most ideal way possible. Then there are times where I think life would be easier if I just toughed it out and tried to make the best of it.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

gbrad you seem like a nice guy. But you honestly sound a bit selfish in your marriage. You just said you would rather have your wife bring up MC even though you feel you guys need it. Why? You seem to have a problem being emotionally available. This may have something to do with you being somewhat LD. You don't really value connecting with your wife if it doesn't fit in into the manner you desire it. Do you have problems being vulnerable? Did you come from a affectionate family that openly expressed their emotions? I would guess quite the opposite:scratchhead:


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

FalconKing said:


> gbrad you seem like a nice guy. But you honestly sound a bit selfish in your marriage. You just said you would rather have your wife bring up MC even though you feel you guys need it. Why? You seem to have a problem being emotionally available. This may have something to do with you being somewhat LD. You don't really value connecting with your wife if it doesn't fit in into the manner you desire it. Do you have problems being vulnerable? Did you come from a affectionate family that openly expressed their emotions? I would guess quite the opposite:scratchhead:


I came from a close family, but one that kept emotions inside, even quite often buried. Yes, I can admit to being somewhat selfish. But, I also do care greatly about my wife.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gbrad, why not bring it up and if she asks WHY, just tell her there are things about yourself that you need help with regarding the marriage. For instance, the rigid schedule. You need tips on how to relax that, and you would like her to be there to hear the therapist discuss ways to do this. Just tell her there are other things which relate to THAT and how you both seem "mismatched" at times and you need to get ideas on how to compromise effectively, without pissing each other off in the process. Well, maybe not word that last part that way lol. But you get the idea. So what if she perceives there is more to it than that? It will come out in MC. But this way, you have a jumping off point and, if she has been saying for years to relax, well, now you will have a professional telling you as well, and telling you HOW to relax, etc.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

You know i've read a lot of how the LD spouse sometimes have a position of power. You want to fix your marriage but you don't want to put yourself out there. You seem to be unyielding about things that maybe if your took the time to do, may make a world of difference. You don't like open communication and probably there are things you do that you don't think much about that your wife may find disrespectful. I'm sorry if i'm assuming a lot. Many spouses who post here about lack of intimacy in their marriage often talk about their spouse not wanting to communicate or put much effort into saving the marriage. If your wife posted here and talked about how you meet other females, you don't like to have intimate conversations, you unwillingness to compromise for sex I would think you were obviously cheating or had little respect for her. What was your idea of marriage before you married? Where you always like this or is their some resentment? Have you read the 5 languages of love or His/Her Needs? How do you show your wife that she is loved? Do you do that? Do you try to do things that she likes or do you do things that you know if she does for you, you would like?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

gbrad said:


> ...Yes, I can admit to being somewhat selfish. But, I also do care greatly about my wife.


I think most people on this site, and in general, will tell you that if you care greatly about her, then keeping these issues all bottled up inside you rather than sharing them and working past them together as married couples must do, is doing much more harm to your W than the shock of you suggesting all is not perfect in never-neverland.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

gbrad,

In some ways it sounds like the issue here is not really about sex. Would you describe yourself as lonely in your marriage? If your wife is out so late that you don't have opportunities for sex, then you probably don't have opportunities to be a couple, connect, catch up on each other's day, and have a healthy functioning relationship. 

If so, then I would put the sex issue on the back burner and approach your wife about the real issues in your marriage first. Yes, sex is a problem staring you in the face, but a lot of us men will say that a big part of sex for us is establishing and maintaining intimacy. Sex is a big part of our connection to our spouse and our love relationship. It sounds a lot like you are two are not connecting outside of the bedroom either, but IMHO focusing on a lack of sex in this situation gets in the way of really communicating the problem. When you say "I need sex, on my schedule" she doesn't hear "I need an emotional connection to you because I'm lonely." She hears, "I want sex and I want you to change your lifestyle to give it to me." In my experience (and yes, I have experience behind my opinion) that doesn't work very well.

Is it safe to say that the lack of emotional intimacy is affecting you as much (or more) as the lack of physical intimacy? If so, try communicating that to your wife. Talk to her about making time to be a couple, to connect, and to work on emotional intimacy. From there I think sex will naturally get better. It has in my experience.

All the best.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

gbrad - what could be so bad about her reaction to the suggestion of MC compared to how 'down' you clearly are about your marriage/sex/grief over making babies/workaholic wife etc..

Staying the same and not rocking the boat can work for a while...but sooner or later we need to face the issues and conflicts that come up (in ALL of our lives). 

I think first up this causes discomfort even pain for some...but in the end isn't it best for issues/problems to be out in the open and aired...so every one knows where they stand. That way we can 'fix' what's wrong in our lives and move on...

There is a reason your wife is a workaholic.. other than the stresses/emotional toll involved in infertility is there any other gaping holes in your marriage/life she is trying to avoid?

What do you do when you are together...is it worth coming home for?

Are you a fun loving hubby when she DOES finally get home?

Does she know how much you miss her when she works late?

I'm 100% sure you could be happier in your life... if only you'd get out of your own way!


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

pplwatching said:


> gbrad,
> 
> In some ways it sounds like the issue here is not really about sex. Would you describe yourself as lonely in your marriage? If your wife is out so late that you don't have opportunities for sex, then you probably don't have opportunities to be a couple, connect, catch up on each other's day, and have a healthy functioning relationship.
> 
> ...


A lot of what you said is true, but I don't get my emotional intimacy from sex. So that aspect doesn't mesh. We do not spend a great deal of time together doing things. We try and work on it, but our interests are different and when we actually do have time to spend together, we often don't want to do the same things. As a result we often do things individually.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

waiwera said:


> gbrad - what could be so bad about her reaction to the suggestion of MC compared to how 'down' you clearly are about your marriage/sex/grief over making babies/workaholic wife etc..
> 
> Staying the same and not rocking the boat can work for a while...but sooner or later we need to face the issues and conflicts that come up (in ALL of our lives).
> 
> ...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

gbrad said:


> It is not just this one time. part of the reason we have a limited amount of sex is because we want it at different times most of the time. So usually when we do have sex one of us is basically giving in because the other one wants it.


That's a recipe for disaster. Anyone can tell you that successful marriages are never built on communication and compromise. They are based on having your thoughts, preferences, schedules, and actions mesh perfectly with another person, resulting in effortless bliss.

My advice for you is to dump your wife and have a look around the institution for a woman who shares your rigid schedule.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

gbrad said:


> Everybody is different, I don't like my sleep to be disturbed. That is just a pet peeve of mine.


If your wife wants sex at 3am, so that you're going to work on three hours of sleep, then I understand. But telling your wife that, as a matter of course, you would prefer to be unconscious than have sex with her is just cold. Real cold.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I would prefer it if she brought up the idea of marriage counseling. Any ideas of how to make that happen.


I hate to say it, but man up here. Your wife may or may not have a problem with the marriage, but clearly you do have a problem. So your saying that even though you have the problem with the marriage, you'd like to spin things around so SHE is the one suggesting marriage counselling? 

True, your wife may not like hearing that the marriage needs counselling, but it does. Conversely, if she doesn't like hearing the marriage needs counselling, what gives you the impression she'd suggest do it?

You have the problem, you need to suggest marriage counselling. 

Failing that, have you actually expressed your issues with the marriage to her (sex and otherwise)? Maybe you wouldn't need counselling if you explained to her your problems and that you'd like to work with her to improve things.



gbrad said:


> For MC, If I am the one to bring it up, she is going to straight out ask me why and what extreme things are causing me to say this. I am not the type of person to recommend something like this, so she would perceive
> 
> it as something major. I would rather the issues and conversation about it come out slowly at the MC than all at once alone there with her. If she tried to talk and ask about all of it right there I know it would not come out very well and the result would not be good. But if she suggested it I could atleast decide for her to agree to it and then slowly talk about some of the issues with the Marriage Counselor there as a moderator/buffer.


Then approach it by first explaining what your problems are with the marriage, then say that you don't think things are major but you'd like to talk to a counsellor before they do get to be major. Get her on your side by lowering the level of apprehension she may feel. Frankly, you should bring up an issue before it gets to be major anyways.



gbrad said:


> You are right that I would probably say IDK to your last question. The reality is that I probably don't, but if it does end I want to make it end in the most ideal way possible. Then there are times where I think life would be easier if I just toughed it out and tried to make the best of it.


If you don't know if you even want to be married to her, then why would you want sex with her? She clearly means more to you than someone to just get your rocks off with, so don't treat her like that. Fix the other issues in the marriage first before dealing with the issue of sex. 



PHTlump said:


> If your wife wants sex at 3am, so that you're going to work on three hours of sleep, then I understand. But telling your wife that, as a matter of course, you would prefer to be unconscious than have sex with her is just cold. Real cold.


Agreed. I wouldn't be to impressed if my fiancee was waking my up in the night regularly for sex, but if it was a sometimes thing (say once or twice a month) I'd be fine with that, especially on the weekends. Heck, I'm at the point where I'd LOVE it if my fiancee showed me that she desired me so bad that she had to have me in the middle of the night and would take it as a true sign of desire.


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## Kuryos (May 22, 2010)

GBrad

It must sound as if everyone responding is on your case. If so, I think it might be because they sense that your conformity and rigidity is actually doing you no favours, not just in respect of the timing of when sex happens but just with life in general. Surviving life is all about being flexible and accommodating while at the same time having the confidence and skill to negotiate your way towards what you want at least some of the time. Being or acting resentful has, as far as I know, never been a long-term positive solution to anything.

I would suggest that it might be beneficial for you to look at your own conduct and way of thinking and asking yourself "Am I debilitating myself?" At that point you might want to think about whether more extensive and thorough work on your own behaviour either through self-help or through a therapist would improve your own self-worth to the extent that any compunction to be resentful towards others is much diminished and much more manageable.

Just a random thought.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> It is not just this one time. part of the reason we have a limited amount of sex is because we want it at different times most of the time. So usually when we do have sex one of us is basically giving in because the other one wants it.


And what's wrong with that??? If you get sex 50% of the time you schedule and she gets it 50% of the time on her schedule, you are both winners in my book. Man you seem over the top childish to me......


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

KanDo said:


> And what's wrong with that??? If you get sex 50% of the time you schedule and she gets it 50% of the time on her schedule, you are both winners in my book. Man you seem over the top childish to me......


Come on Kando

Plenty of us don't agree with gbrad's way of handling his marriage. But he seems to listen and be receptive of what others have to say. There's no need to call the dude childish. Even he'll admit he's a bit selfish though.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> I hate to say it, but man up here. Your wife may or may not have a problem with the marriage, but clearly you do have a problem. So your saying that even though you have the problem with the marriage, you'd like to spin things around so SHE is the one suggesting marriage counselling?
> 
> True, your wife may not like hearing that the marriage needs counselling, but it does. Conversely, if she doesn't like hearing the marriage needs counselling, what gives you the impression she'd suggest do it?
> 
> ...


Once or twice a month waking up in the middle of the night for sex you would be okay with? Well that would be our total amount of sex for the month usually.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

KanDo said:


> And what's wrong with that??? If you get sex 50% of the time you schedule and she gets it 50% of the time on her schedule, you are both winners in my book. Man you seem over the top childish to me......





FalconKing said:


> Come on Kando
> 
> Plenty of us don't agree with gbrad's way of handling his marriage. But he seems to listen and be receptive of what others have to say. There's no need to call the dude childish. Even he'll admit he's a bit selfish though.


I will admit to being somewhat selfish. I think it is important that we all have a little of that in us or we will never get the things we want. Need to look out for oneself sometimes. 
I said we did try the schedule thing and it didn't work. Something always seemed to get in the way and get us off schedule. I would be happy to stick to a schedule.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Once or twice a month waking up in the middle of the night for sex you would be okay with? Well that would be our total amount of sex for the month usually.


Yes, because of your conflicting schedules. 
But if you are willing to be open to other times, and so is she, then those would be bonus times. 

I feel for ya with the scheduling thing and I assume it can cause you stress to stray from it. But somebody has to make the first move. Someone has to be willing to compromise, first. Someone has to lead. Why not you?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

deejov said:


> Yes, because of your conflicting schedules.
> But if you are willing to be open to other times, and so is she, then those would be bonus times.
> 
> I feel for ya with the scheduling thing and I assume it can cause you stress to stray from it. But somebody has to make the first move. Someone has to be willing to compromise, first. Someone has to lead. Why not you?


We have both tried to take that lead and nothing ever stays continuous in our relatinoships, and it is primarly due to the lack of time she spends here at home.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

Kuryos said:


> GBrad
> 
> It must sound as if everyone responding is on your case. If so, I think it might be because they sense that your conformity and rigidity is actually doing you no favours, not just in respect of the timing of when sex happens but just with life in general. Surviving life is all about being flexible and accommodating while at the same time having the confidence and skill to negotiate your way towards what you want at least some of the time. Being or acting resentful has, as far as I know, never been a long-term positive solution to anything.
> 
> I would suggest that it might be beneficial for you to look at your own conduct and way of thinking and asking yourself "Am I debilitating myself?" At that point you might want to think about whether more extensive and thorough work on your own behaviour either through self-help or through a therapist would improve your own self-worth to the extent that any compunction to be resentful towards others is much diminished and much more manageable.


or to put it another way...stop your whining and do something to change your situation. You wife could look like an ogre and she'd still be far more attractive then you with your pessimistic attitude and constant state of self-pity.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

livnlearn said:


> or to put it another way...stop your whining and do something to change your situation. You wife could look like an ogre and she'd still be far more attractive then you with your pessimistic attitude and constant state of self-pity.


Thank you for that. And I am trying to do something to change the situation.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Thank you for that. And I am trying to do something to change the situation.


I really hope that is true gbrad. Truly. It just seems that all you do is make excuses as to why you can't do any of the recommendations people give you.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

livnlearn said:


> I really hope that is true gbrad. Truly. It just seems that all you do is make excuses as to why you can't do any of the recommendations people give you.


Some things are easier said than done.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Once or twice a month waking up in the middle of the night for sex you would be okay with? Well that would be our total amount of sex for the month usually.


I won't reply to the comments you placed inside my quoted comment above, because I'm not going through the trouble of seperating them out. Suffice to say, it does sound like you just don't want to put in the effort to make suggestions happen, even if you agree with them out of fear of conflict. I understand fear of conflict, I struggle with it myself, but to sit back and wait until you become a Jedi so you can mind trick your wife into going to marriage counselling, and also have her suggest it, is just asking for disaster. It won't work, and it'll just cause resentment and a major problem down the road. You want your marriage, fight for it.

Btw, if sex is just 1-2 X a month, there's an issue in itself. The frequency needs to increase but that can start with you. As for me wanting to woken up 1-2 X a month for sex, sure, but that's me, not you. All I'm saying is you should be open to the idea. Compromise leads to solutions.



gbrad said:


> Some things are easier said than done.


And somethings if you believe them become relaity.

Nothing anyone has suggested is really time consuming or hard to do. It requires little effort at all in most cases, other than you stepping out of your conformed life for a bit and making yourself flexible to her timing. If waking up for sex every now and then is easier said than done for you, than you need to go see a doctor because you clearly have a major medical problem. If not, then you need to stop worrying about yourself first and foremost and become flexible to meeting her schedule.

All we've read here is this is her fault for the most part because she won't bend to your schedule or be available when you're ready. Why can't you be available when she's ready? Why can't you stay up a little later, wake up in the middle of the night or try having a nap in the evening so you can stay up later for when she comes home? Because you don't want to?

Great attitude if you want to fix the problem. If you don't want to, rather hard to fault her when she doesn't want to, right?


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

gbrad what did you expect marriage to be like? When were you guys the happiest? What was you and your wife's first major issue?


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I won't reply to the comments you placed inside my quoted comment above, because I'm not going through the trouble of seperating them out. Suffice to say, it does sound like you just don't want to put in the effort to make suggestions happen, even if you agree with them out of fear of conflict. I understand fear of conflict, I struggle with it myself, but to sit back and wait until you become a Jedi so you can mind trick your wife into going to marriage counselling, and also have her suggest it, is just asking for disaster. It won't work, and it'll just cause resentment and a major problem down the road. You want your marriage, fight for it.
> 
> Btw, if sex is just 1-2 X a month, there's an issue in itself. The frequency needs to increase but that can start with you. As for me wanting to woken up 1-2 X a month for sex, sure, but that's me, not you. All I'm saying is you should be open to the idea. *Compromise leads to solutions.
> *
> ...


Hit the nail on the head. Simple advice to follow. And if you get into that mind frame it does wonders for relationships.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Give a little, get a little. 

If you're not willing to meet in the middle, it would seem there isn't a lot of hope here.

I just got back from a business trip last night at 11 p.m. Hubby hasn't had much sleep the last few nights since the baby kept waking him up. 

Guess who was waiting to greet me at the door very HAPPY and ready to go? 

I know how tired he must have been and probably really would have loved sleeping but he stayed up just for that. It really meant a lot to me.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

FalconKing said:


> gbrad what did you expect marriage to be like? When were you guys the happiest? What was you and your wife's first major issue?


I don't know when WE were the happiest. Our first major issue? I'm not sure.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

TCSRedhead said:


> Give a little, get a little.
> 
> If you're not willing to meet in the middle, it would seem there isn't a lot of hope here.
> 
> ...


Well I am glad that you two could have a time when you both wanted it. For me, sex isn't the most important thing, but when I want it, I want it. If I am up for it then that's when I want it. That is why I like weekend morning sex, because well it is easy to be up and ready for it and I don't have to worry about getting turned on to make it happen.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Kingsfan; While you are correct that I do not like conflict that doesn't mean I am unwilling to try and discuss things. It is just that the way things have been discusses, no progress has been made. And when progress doesn't get made, but you still go through the painful ordeal of discussing these things, wife crying, discussing more, wife crying more, and then coming up with some form of potential solution, just to have no change in the end. It gets to a point where just talking about it doesn't feel productive. While I agree that sex 1-2 times a month is not enough, I would be perfectly happy with sex once maybe sometimes twice a week. 
I am not sure why waking up in the middle of the night means I have a major medical problem. I don't like my sleep being disturbed. To put it bluntly, it pisses me off. And some of you talk like waking up in the middle of the night is something that my wife would want me to do, she has never tried to get me to wake up in the middle of the night for sex. I just don't like it late at night when I am trying to get ready to sleep.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

gbrad:

My comment about a major medical problem was in jest. Really, what I'm saying is, if waking up in the middle of the night once in a while is a piss off, that's a fault in you.

I could understand if you didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night on a regular basis, like a few times a wekk. I agree with that. But it's clear you need to work in some compromise (on both sides) to make sex work, so why not once in a while, especially if you have no work or obligations the next day, get woke up for some sex? I mean, you can sleep in afterwards. 

Clearly you both need to compromise, but if you are so rigid in your lifestyle that you can't offer compromise once in a while, what motivation does she have for compromise either? 

As for the discussion, go to counselling if you can. You may think it's just more talk, but talking with a third party can be helpful and give you and your wife a different set of parameters to think about that you may not have concidered before.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

There is compromise at times. I am not always happy about it, but compromise none the less. Twice this week there has been a compromise. She wanted it at times when I didn't, I gave in. I faked a smile and then tried to have some fun. But I was still annoyed at the timing of it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pre-arrange it then perhaps? Call her at work on a day when you're feeling up being woke up and tell her that when she gets home to let you know she's home. Then head to be a bit earlier than usually and get some extra sleep.

Make it clear to her that you are making a compromise and that it'd be appreciated if she down the road made a compromise for you and came home early one night.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

gbrad said:


> There is compromise at times. I am not always happy about it, but compromise none the less. Twice this week there has been a compromise. She wanted it at times when I didn't, I gave in. I faked a smile and then tried to have some fun. But I was still annoyed at the timing of it.


Yes, because resentful sex sounds like a really great time. 

If my hubby had to 'fake a smile and try to have some fun' when I was coming on to him, it would not make for a good time.

Is it really that annoying? I honestly cannot think of a better thing in marriage than the intimacy that comes with being sexually connected. I would advise seeking out some counseling to address some of your rigid schedule adherence issues.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> Pre-arrange it then perhaps? Call her at work on a day when you're feeling up being woke up and tell her that when she gets home to let you know she's home. Then head to be a bit earlier than usually and get some extra sleep.
> 
> Make it clear to her that you are making a compromise and that it'd be appreciated if she down the road made a compromise for you and came home early one night.


It's not that I am asleep when she gets home, I usually wait to go to bed until after she is asleep. I just don't like waiting that late to do it and since I am home much earilier than her, my urge for sex usually comes and goes before she gets home. Combine those together and it's just a bad result.




TCSRedhead said:


> Yes, because resentful sex sounds like a really great time.
> 
> If my hubby had to 'fake a smile and try to have some fun' when I was coming on to him, it would not make for a good time.
> 
> Is it really that annoying? I honestly cannot think of a better thing in marriage than the intimacy that comes with being sexually connected. I would advise seeking out some counseling to address some of your rigid schedule adherence issues.


I can act like I want to. Hell the other night I made sure all of the lights were off so she couldn't see my facial expression. I eventually had fun with it, but that doesn't mean I wanted to. It made it that much harder to get in the mood and to enjoy myself. As well as that much more difficult to actually get off.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I can act like I want to.


That about sums up this thread.

You are 100% correct, you can act however you want. You did, however, come here asking for help on this issue and yet you have argued with virtually all suggestions and recommendations made in here. I think you want someone to say she needs to change and that's it. I do think she needs to change and that is part of the solution, however you can only change you so why not just try some of the suggestions given in this thread to improve your side of the problem?

Or you can continue to lay the blame almost solely at her feet and wait for her to change, while you admit you are often to worried to even explain to her what the problem is in the first place.

You can act like you want to.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

gbrad said:


> We have both tried to take that lead and nothing ever stays continuous in our relatinoships, and it is primarly due to the lack of time she spends here at home.


This. Hard to connect with a workaholic, especially when the two of you don't seem to have any similar hobbies or activities during free time. An yes it does sound like the only time she wants intimacy is on her schedule which is late into the night. This isn't fair, but is reality. Is the long hours she works by choice? If so, then she is choosing work over her marriage. 

It may be deliberate, or not, but in either case being passive aggressive isn't helping your problem. You've got to talk to her about this.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Well I am glad that you two could have a time when you both wanted it. For me, sex isn't the most important thing, but when I want it, I want it. If I am up for it then that's when I want it. That is why I like weekend morning sex, because well it is easy to be up and ready for it and *I don't have to worry about getting turned on to make it happen*.


Something else going on here you may want to investigate? Lack of desire, lots of surpressed resentment besides the current issue, low testosterone, meds messing with sex drive? I just noticed the phrasing so thought I would point it out.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

LastUnicorn said:


> Something else going on here you may want to investigate? Lack of desire, lots of surpressed resentment besides the current issue, low testosterone, meds messing with sex drive? I just noticed the phrasing so thought I would point it out.


You were right to notice that. It is not easy for me to be turned on by my wife. Resentment, yes. low testosterone, last time checked no. No meds, other than the self prescribed nightly drink. And that quite often puts me in the mood.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Just leave your wife. Stop the endless whinging about how she's not attractive, almost every post you make has some little dig at her appearance.

Are you on the autism spectrum at all? You seem to have very little understanding of emotion, no empathy for your wife and very rigid schedules.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Lyris said:


> Just leave your wife. Stop the endless whinging about how she's not attractive, almost every post you make has some little dig at her appearance.
> 
> Are you on the autism spectrum at all? You seem to have very little understanding of emotion, no empathy for your wife and very rigid schedules.


There have been many more posts regarding things in our marriage besides her looks. Yes, that is one aspect, but just one.
Autism, no. Not even. I understand emotion just fine and I care about my wife greatly. 
Just leave my wife? It is not something you just do, that would be too painful and hurtful to her. There has to be a lead up to it, she has to be ready for it (as do I). That is to big of an event that you just do. 
I prefer sex on a schedule. Not sure why that is a big deal.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

gbrad said:


> You were right to notice that. It is not easy for me to be turned on by my wife. Resentment, yes. low testosterone, last time checked no. No meds, other than the self prescribed nightly drink. And that quite often puts me in the mood.


Aha - the key word comes out. *Resentment* is a huge passion killer. That helps make more sense of your situation now. 

I really do understand resentment, more now than ever. The resentment I had for my husband (and I think him for me) really took a nasty toll on our marriage and our sex life for a while. 

That's the key to work on. You two need to talk about the things that are irritating the both of you and work on compromising. I'd suggest a good marriage counselor to help with the process.


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## spunky96 (Nov 1, 2012)

gbrad, I am currently in your wife's shoes. I work long hours and we are not together as often as we need to be. He doesn't want sex with me and turns me down more often than we actually have sex. He seems fine with "taking care of it himself." Let me tell you, if you resent her for her wanting sex with you, I'm POSITIVE that she resents you too for not wanting her back or even appreciating her efforts. I'm sure she is doing the best that she can to make time for you and make you a priority when she gets home. It isn't her fault that you reject her attempts to connect with you. You don't want to be the one to bring up MC because you don't want her to know there is a problem, well it seems to me that you don't want to be the one to be at fault for anything. I'd be willing to bet that you'd stay in an unhappy marriage until SHE is the one to end it right? If you love her at all and want HER to be happy, man up and take some responsibility for what's been going on by suggesting marriage counseling or let her find someone who will appreciate her desire for intimacy.


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