# Am I hurting myself by waiting?



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

My husband and I have been separated now for three weeks. The first two weeks were awful. He was moving at warp speed to get away from me in any possible way. He said hateful things and refused to talk to me about anything other than what we had to discuss. At the end of the two weeks, he called me and said that he didn't want things to be like that and that we have to be able to communicate for our son's sake. The past week has been much better. Yesterday, he came to the house and told me that he wants to slow things down and see where things take us. A part of me wants this more than anything, but we have so many issues that realistically I don't even know if this is possible. 

To summarize, we've been married for 20 years. He told me a few months ago that he wants to "do his own thing" and he isn't sure if he wants to be married any more. He said there was no one else. Of course, since then I have heard that there is in fact another woman that he works with. He swears that this is not true. I'm just so confused. From a legal standpoint, if there is another woman and I am eventually going to file for divorce am I hurting myself to wait? I don't want to make any decisions in a rush, but I just don't know what to do. Any advice?


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

Special,

So sorry you are at this point, but glad your here! It sounds like you are actually at a good point for yourself. Since he has put the brakes on, you have a better chance to implement the 180. Do it asap and dont steer from it. You have to ask yourself how much you are willing to put up with, because it will be hard. Keep talking about it here, it truly helps!


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## Dumped (Sep 6, 2012)

Wish I had advice for you. My wife is leaving me, so I'm no relationship expert. The only thing I can tell you, is there are a lot of supportive people here. If nothing else, being able to tell EVERYTHING to complete strangers at least lifts some of the burden off you.

Good luck.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

One of the advice my best friend gave me was NOT TO RUSH. She told me to take a deep breadth and take it day by day. Do the 180 (as best as you can) and eventually, you will know what your decision will be. It took me 4 months to wake up and realize what 'I' really wanted. 

Good luck. We're all here for you!


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Good advice, Left. It's been 6 weeks since my husband left. Specialplace, mine swears there is no one else, too, but I think there is. There's no other logical explanation. He also is very strange, and the best I've found to describe it is what they call the affair fog or MLC fog. He will say things and then forget he said them, tell me things he thinks he's told me before. To me, that seems like he's telling another person (i.e., maybe OW) things and just thinks he's told me, know what I mean? Like he remembers telling someone but doesn't know which one he said it to.

Don't let him rush you. Mine tried the same thing and I told him he was just going to have to wait and let me catch up to him since he had it planned for at least a month that I know of. Now he's the one dragging his feet. I said I was going to file last week and he stopped me but it was another attempt to string me along. They are cake eating, hoping they can keep doing what/who they are doing and still have us waiting in case they decide it's not what they want. I decided I'm going to use the element of surprise in my favor for once and I've let him think I'm "waiting" for him. Reality is slowing starting to take the place of my own fog and I'm starting to see what I need to do, just like Left said. It takes some time to work through the shock and pain of it all before you can start to see the situation clearly in your own mind. I'm still not all the way there but each day, things are coming together more. 

Hang in there and you're not hurting yourself to wait. You can go talk to an attorney if you haven't already, find out your options, but waiting until your emotions are more reliable is probably the better thing for you right now. Take care of YOU! That's what we all need to do!


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

SpecialPlace, 

In my opinion, being married 20 years and then deciding about your future (with or without your husband) after a 3-week separation seems pretty fast.

There is nothing wrong with taking all of the time you need to get your thoughts together. Of course, the time will be difficult as you ride the "emotional rollercoaster" that you are surely feeling. But time does bring clarity. Many will attest to that here. 

Your H has already done what is best for him. Now is the time to decide what is best for YOU. 

As most people will probably recommend, that includes doing the 180 and going NC/dark, if possible, and getting into IC. 

And, please continue posting and reading here. It really does help. 

I hope everything works out the best for you.


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

So, we had about a week where we were getting along pretty well. We were able to discuss a few things about finances and visitation pretty calmly and we both were trying. He was calling me a few times just to check in. Then, yesterday, things blew up. He had been out of town and I called him to talk about something with our schedule. I said "how are you?" and he started lecturing me about money I spent on something little. I told him that I didn't expect him to pay for it since it was something for me, but he just refused to let it go. I know I should have just ended the call at that point, but I got sucked in. We started screaming at each other and he said some really hateful things to me. I cried all night. Every time we take a step forward, we end up taking two steps back.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

specialplace said:


> So, we had about a week where we were getting along pretty well. We were able to discuss a few things about finances and visitation pretty calmly and we both were trying. He was calling me a few times just to check in. Then, yesterday, things blew up. He had been out of town and I called him to talk about something with our schedule. I said "how are you?" and he started lecturing me about money I spent on something little. I told him that I didn't expect him to pay for it since it was something for me, but he just refused to let it go. I know I should have just ended the call at that point, but I got sucked in. We started screaming at each other and he said some really hateful things to me. I cried all night. Every time we take a step forward, we end up taking two steps back.


SS,

You are in a phase of your separation where all the emotions are still very raw. It's hard, but you need to step back from your wayward husband. The constant contact really does make things worse. I know because I made that mistake for months.

Only recently have I started to stop worrying about my wayward wife. And, you know what? Now that I have started pulling back to protect my heart, she is beginning to seem at least a bit unsure as to whether we should rush into D or not. 

You both need to take time to work on yourselves and let you wounds heal. If you don't you will remain stuck in the toxic relationship dance that ultimately got you to where you are today. And, doing so just reinforces the reasons why he left in the first place.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

He said he wants to do his own thing, then let him. But you need to drop conversations with him.

"Seeing where things go" is simply leading you on.

Now he gets to do his own thing while still having you as a backup plan.

Do you guys have kids?

Are you both working?


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

Yes, we both work full-time and we have one child. I woke up this morning and just felt really sad that I'm in such limbo here. When he left, he told me in no uncertain terms that he would never be back and that he had no interest in working on our marriage. Now, he is saying that "we'll see where things go". I guess he really is just using me as a back up plan


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

specialplace said:


> Yes, we both work full-time and we have one child. I woke up this morning and just felt really sad that I'm in such limbo here. When he left, he told me in no uncertain terms that he would never be back and that he had no interest in working on our marriage. Now, he is saying that "we'll see where things go". I guess he really is just using me as a back up plan


Then do not go by his words.

His actions say divorce


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Quote:
Originally Posted by specialplace View Post
Yes, we both work full-time and we have one child. I woke up this morning and just felt really sad that I'm in such limbo here. When he left, he told me in no uncertain terms that he would never be back and that he had no interest in working on our marriage. Now, he is saying that "we'll see where things go". I guess he really is just using me as a back up plan
Then do not go by his words.

His actions say divorce 

My ex kept telling me the same thing. I finally had to stop and watch his actions, and to me, his actions chose the OW and divorce. I went to see an attorney and filed. So glad I did because I realize now that I can't be married to a person who doesn't value our marriage and vows.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

When my stbxw left she said we weren't any good together, that it was over etc.

In the following months I proceeded to separate our bank accounts, got the house key back, have her everything of hers etc.

My heart wanted this to work out, for the months I asked maybe once a month if this was what she wanted.

Each time "it's over".

So, I had to take the bigger steps in separating everything.

I let the government know that she no longer lived with me and I applied for the child tax benefit.

Also removed her from my insurance after 5 months.

She was furious, then all of a sudden it changed to "I was waiting for you to man up, but you haven't".

For the first month while her phone was still attached to mine I was looking into her records.

Who wouldn't? I know she left me for an EA. It's not confirmed but I know.

My advice to you is the following:

Figure out if you guys are going to be co parenting. If so, research what type of schedule you will need. 1 week rotations or 2-2-3 etc.

Once you know what you want to do, figure out who is paying what in regards to support.

Separate all joint bank accounts.

Anything else joint, separate.


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