# Is husband or I right here? Related to $$$



## macgirl (Feb 20, 2013)

My parents helped us with a down payment for a house, ~50k several years ago. They said we can pay them back when we can, but weren't really strict about it and followed it up. I figured when we can start paying some of it back to them, we will. They've helped us with more too money wise but didn't say anything about paying them back, they looked at it as they could help us, they wanted to and so they did (this is all towards the end of professional and grad school for husband and me). 

We had one month where we were selling & buying a house at the same time (recently) and we needed help with one month mortgage. Husband's parents helped us. Obviously it wasn't a lot but they still helped us and said pay us back when you can.

So now we're in a better financial place, but it will take time to pay my parents back. We owe very little to husband's family. He insists we pay them back first because it will take longer with my family. I said all of a sudden you're in a rush to pay your parents back when all this time we've borrowed a lot from my parents and you never seemed to care, just kind of taking it for granted. My parents are better off financially but it shouldn't matter, his parents are fine too, we never would have taken it from them if we thought they needed it so badly. And they haven't brought it up, just husband thinks oh it's quicker to pay them back first. 

But honestly, I feel like it's more of him having an allegiance to his family and just taking mine for granted. Who is right? I don't like pitting our families against each other but he seems to so easy to accept help from mine but not ever bringing it up on his own or seeming so appreciate of it. Now it's the one time his parents helped us and they've moved to the top of the priority list on who to pay back? I think it's unfair. His parents have helped his siblings with other things in the past (plastic surgery, house etc) but never my husband. He's always done better for himself than his siblings. I guess this doesn't matter either but I feel like it's unfair. 

I don't know if this makes a difference at all but husband has been working while I am at home with our little kids. I will (hopefully) be going back to work within the next few years.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Hmmm. Logistically, you can be out of one of your debts quicker if you pay the smaller one first. I'd still want to give a little to my parents though so they don't think I forgot them.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Money and family dont mix. If I have to give money to a family member I have a rule - it is considered a gift. Period. No expectations on payback. Want to pay me back? Fine, but Im not even sure I want it - and I will never bring it up. If I cant live with that rule, then I/we dont give it.

Sounds a little bit like what you got. No serious expectations.

Buy I applaud you both for trying to pay them back.. both of them.

Here is my 'soloman' solution... figure out how much you can afford to pay back each month. 50% goes to one, 50% goes to the other. Pretty soon, his parents will be paid off and 100% will then continue to go to your parents. right?

I dont think there needs to be too much conflict here. Its stressfull because money is tight.. just figure out your budget and go with it. You should both be able to agree on this, or something like it.

If 'who gets paid first' is an issue, then just pay both of them. 

This isnt a bank you are paying back so its not like you to need to make a minimum payment or pay off the amount all at once - there is no interest being accrued - you are not gaining anything by paying someone sooner - and one side is no more deserving than the other - they both helped you and both deserve consideration regardless of amount.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

From a pure efficiency perspective it would be better to pay his parents off first to get the loan off your back.

I don't know if he has any other emotional reasons for wanting to pay his folks first but financially it makes better sense.


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## macgirl (Feb 20, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Money and family dont mix. If I have to give money to a family member I have a rule - it is considered a gift. Period. No expectations on payback.
> 
> Sounds a little bit like what you got. No serious expectations.
> 
> ...



You pretty much hit the nail on the head here. My parents don't really have any real expectations of us paying it back. This is how it's been my whole life, they live pretty 'comfortably' and have paid for my things always (college etc). So now that husband's family expects it (which is NOT the vibe I got from them but husband is adamant about is) I am annoyed that he never felt 'adamant' about paying my parents back.

But YOU are right, there really doesn't need to be a big problem about this. We can agree to pay both the same at first and his parents will quickly be paid back. I think my parents will just either take it and save it for our kids OR just say 'its ok, don't worry about it'.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> From a pure efficiency perspective it would be better to pay his parents off first to get the loan off your back....financially it makes better sense.


It may make them feel better emotionally - but it makes no difference financially I would say. Certainly isnt going to cost them a single penny more in any case, right?


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## macgirl (Feb 20, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> It may make them feel better emotionally - but it makes no difference financially I would say. Certainly isnt going to cost them a single penny more in any case, right?



Correct. There is no 'interest' with them. Though writing all of this out makes me realize we're pretty damn lucky and should not be fighting about something like this. Instead, split up the paying back, and move on with our lives. And appreciate the caring and generous people around us.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

money is the great family killer - make sure you and your husband come to agreement. Its hard when he feels obligated and you feel obligated and maybe he thinks your family can 'afford it'.. but that isnt really the point.

Its about fulfilling multiple obligations and trying to keep hard feelings at bay. Do what you can and maybe this can all be drama-free. The best thing you can do at this point is try and establish a reasonable, comfortable budget and try and stick to it.

If its easier, funnel money onto a seperate savings account and write them a check once a year. It can feel like less of an ...uhm....obligation. Monthly payments can feel horrible for both the receiver and the giver when its family involved. Resist the temptation to use it for your own though - that can be hard too.


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## macgirl (Feb 20, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> money is the great family killer - make sure you and your husband come to agreement. Its hard when he feels obligated and you feel obligated and maybe he thinks your family can 'afford it'.. but that isnt really the point.
> 
> Its about fulfilling multiple obligations and trying to keep hard feelings at bay. Do what you can and maybe this can all be drama-free.



Yes this is good to hear. It's funny because the other day I was reading something and thought, wow, yeah my husband and I RARELY argue about money. The only time we really argue is regarding in-laws but not money. Now I'm knocking on wood while I say that.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

how about taking a loan out and paying both sets of parents back....

its called being fair.

hate when peolpe don't squre their debts up.


yuck


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## macgirl (Feb 20, 2013)

UPDATE!

Ok I told him what I thought and he was coming to me at the same time to say sorry too (I apologized to him as well). He said he could ask his parents maybe we could wait until I go back to work, IF its ok with them. If not we could pay them both the same and obviously his parents would be paid back quickly while mine would take awhile.

Then we hugged it out :smthumbup:

Thank you guys!


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## macgirl (Feb 20, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> how about taking a loan out and paying both sets of parents back....
> 
> its called being fair.
> 
> ...



That's what we're doing now :scratchhead: Both of our parents WANTED to help us while we were in professional & graduate schools. In fact, we weren't begging them, they suggested it to make life a bit easier for us and to help us in terms of being able to start a family. If they knew it would take some time for us to pay them back (and we're obviously doing it now) and THEY were fine with it, why is that a bad thing? :scratchhead:


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

No worries. You both are doing it right.

grad school(s). Nice. Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I have a $300k mortgage and a $10k car loan. If I get a $10k bonus, it makes sense to pay off the car loan. It makes no sense at all to pay $10k down on the mortgage and ignore the car loan simply because I took the mortgage out earlier. And paying off the car loan first doesn't mean I have more allegiance to the car loan bank than the mortgage bank. That's just sillyness.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> It may make them feel better emotionally - but it makes no difference financially I would say. Certainly isnt going to cost them a single penny more in any case, right?


Well no, but it is a bit of financial stress off their backs.

They only have the one loan to worry about instead of both.

I always prioritize smaller debt to do away with it, in the long run it allows me to put more resources towards the larger debt to pay it off more effectively as well.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Actually you always pay extra resources to the higher interest debt. If interest is equal (or zero as is the case here) then you pay down the lower balance first. Then you divert the payment you were making on the lower balance to the next balance so that the payment amount builds.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Actually you always pay extra resources to the higher interest debt. If interest is equal (or zero as is the case here) then you pay down the lower balance first. Then you divert the payment you were making on the lower balance to the next balance so that the payment amount builds.


Yeah but I think we're talking interest free loans here.

I think.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sorry, I'm a CPA in tax season so my anal detail brain is in overdrive at the moment.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Well no, but it is a bit of financial stress off their backs.
> 
> They only have the one loan to worry about instead of both.
> 
> I always prioritize smaller debt to do away with it, in the long run it allows me to put more resources towards the larger debt to pay it off more effectively as well.


This is the Dave Ramsey method as well. Paying off a small debt helps you feel good and build momentum towards paying off the next one.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Yep. Now add in the complication of simultaneous interest free debt to multiple relatives, and it gets a little foggier about who should be paid first. This is more about protocol and in-law relationships than if paying a smaller debt off first is of practical value.

At least, that's my thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I have a $300k mortgage and a $10k car loan. If I get a $10k bonus, it makes sense to pay off the car loan. It makes no sense at all to pay $10k down on the mortgage and ignore the car loan simply because I took the mortgage out earlier. And paying off the car loan first doesn't mean I have more allegiance to the car loan bank than the mortgage bank. That's just sillyness.


You left out the most important part that nullifies your argument because there's a big difference between your scenario and theirs.

The reason you'd pay off the car loan first is to save the interest.

There's no interest being paid to the parents.

I'm also not certain that your argument works even when interest is paid. That 10k early payment on the mortgage could save 10s of thousands in interest over the years.

It all depends on rates, terms, that sort of thing.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Actually you always pay extra resources to the higher interest debt. If interest is equal (or zero as is the case here) then you pay down the lower balance first. Then you divert the payment you were making on the lower balance to the next balance so that the payment amount builds.


I agree. I don't know why people aren't taught this about money and debt?

If I have 2 debts and one is a $1000 with a 2% interest and a $50k with a 11% interest, I am still going to pay the 1000 first.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

macgirl said:


> My parents helped us with a down payment for a house, ~50k several years ago. They said we can pay them back when we can, but weren't really strict about it and followed it up. I figured when we can start paying some of it back to them, we will. They've helped us with more too money wise but didn't say anything about paying them back, they looked at it as they could help us, they wanted to and so they did (this is all towards the end of professional and grad school for husband and me).
> 
> We had one month where we were selling & buying a house at the same time (recently) and we needed help with one month mortgage. Husband's parents helped us. Obviously it wasn't a lot but they still helped us and said pay us back when you can.
> 
> ...


I think you need to take the emotions out of it.

How much is owed his parents? $1000 or so?

Just pay the small amount to his parents and get on with life.

I imagine you both have bought many things in those time periods of the loans that you could have used the money to pay the debts back.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Tigger said:


> I agree. I don't know why people aren't taught this about money and debt?
> 
> If I have 2 debts and one is a $1000 with a 2% interest and a $50k with a 11% interest, I am still going to pay the 1000 first.


hmmm

you would not be maxamizing your interest savings with this method.

lenght and type of loan should also be considered.


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## macgirl (Feb 20, 2013)

Yes no interest and really its more about the relationships here.

But we found what now works best for us, so I feel MUCH better about it. I'm glad husband was coming to me at the same time I was about to go talk to him about it. This kind of stuff is not worth holding grudges about.

Honestly I will be shocked if my parents accept it when we first give them a check. Most likely they will say keep it or put it aside for our child but I still want to at least first try to give it to them because they helped us out when they didn't need to. I think it's one of those things where THEY feel good about being able to help and they want to help or give. 

To Tigger, yes there probably were times like holidays where we could have not gotten gifts and started to pay them back but I really don't think they wanted us to do that. But instead, finish school, get jobs, settled and then do that. I don't think there's anything 'right' or 'wrong' about it, but just what THEY expect. So far there has never been discussion, arguments, etc from them, just support emotionally as well (more like we're so proud you were able to finish this, how exciting, etc).


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## macgirl (Feb 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I have a $300k mortgage and a $10k car loan. If I get a $10k bonus, it makes sense to pay off the car loan. It makes no sense at all to pay $10k down on the mortgage and ignore the car loan simply because I took the mortgage out earlier. And paying off the car loan first doesn't mean I have more allegiance to the car loan bank than the mortgage bank. That's just sillyness.



This would be true if they were banks, but they're in-laws. People we're related to and have emotional attachments to, so your reasoning here is void  

Just kidding, I get what you're saying. I like our solution though  I appreciate all the advice!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Pay them both back.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

chillymorn said:


> hmmm
> 
> you would not be maxamizing your interest savings with this method.
> 
> lenght and type of loan should also be considered.


How do you figure that?


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