# Men, be honest, would you leave a beautiful but needy/shallow woman?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I am just trying to understand a few things about myself anymore. When I met my lastest ex, I was still in some healing stages from my previous relationship. I made her aware of that and there were some feelings of letting one go while going right to the next one. 


However, the woman in question is just gorgeous and knows how to turn on the "sweet and loving", but there was a near immediate sense of neediness from her. The actual selfishness or narcissistic attitude did not show up for many months but stood out. She was always thoughtful in cooking for others, buying things for me, and that desire to be with me was a great feeling, but I could sense her happiness was tied directly to being with me. 

Give a couple examples
1. Go to a store, I want to go look at TVs, tell her I want to go look at TVs, she gets a frown on her face because I am going to leave her. If she comes along, I can poke around for maybe 2min before she says "are you done". 

2. We did not formally live together but pretty much. I was there every night and all weekend. On the weekend, I know for sure if I told her I was going to go see some friends, she might have said ok, but her eyes and body language would tell me she was not happy. 

other concerns

1. She would get drunk and say mean things, or several times go dance up on other men at a party while I am standing right there. Her apology was always pretty weak. Just a basic "sorry", like those were not serious events. 

2. Everything felt pressured. Holidays, holiday cooking, events. We always needed to rush everything and it was going to get done. Could never just accept that we don't have enough time. 

The shallow was felt in many things, kissing, sex, touching, words, etc. There was a sense almost immediately, but I stayed!!!!! The way she was with sex, she needed to get right to it. There was nothing slow and sensual about her. Maybe that is ok for some men, and I am different? 

My prev relationship was very much lacking affection, and this one was over the top with affection. Wanted that contact constantly. I do to, but there is a balance. 

Lets just say there were SO many red flags, yet I stayed with her because there was a genuine sense of what she really wanted from like. She really wants that family model, kids, house, holidays, etc. But you can feel her working so hard to almost "fake it". 

I am really trying to understand what type of man marries that? Another shallow person maybe? Or would most men sense this and run? I don't think any man has really left her because she is gorgeous. Hell, I fell into her trap. I saw the signs but stayed, but looking back, I realize she was talking about marriage/kids early, and in the back of my mind I was thinking "uh, that would be nice, but this won't work out. Loving the affection though." Embarrassing to say that and I know I stayed hoping feelings would change and we would lock in better. 

I just stayed WAY too long and got burned. 

Looking my my emails, it looks like at 6mo, we were having problems because the first 6, I was all over her, honeymoon, etc. But I have a real life and was neglecting things in my life. I needed to get some things done and that caused her to write long email about in the beginning she felt so special and loved, and now I am busy and she misses me terribly. She just REALLY poured on the love and affection in the first 6 to a point I was feeling smothered!! But how do you walk away from someone that is gorgeous AND all over you?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

By realizing beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

And she sound entilted and used to using her beauty to get her way .

Not worth it in my humble opinion.

I would rather have an average looking woman with a genuine nice personality tha beauty high matiance personality.

Ymmv


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

.... but you were with her for 3.5 years. And in another thread were lamenting hugely that you lost her. In another, wondering how to get her back. You are up and down like a bouncing ball.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The purpose of dating is to spend time with someone and do a variety of things with them to get to know them and determine if they are the one you want to marry and have a home and family with (assuming getting married and having a home and family is your goal. if you have another end-goal or objective in mind, just insert that goal in place of marriage/home/family) 

The point of dating is to get to know someone to see if they meet *YOUR* criteria, standards and objectives. 

It really doesn't matter what other guy's goals and criteria are.


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## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

For me, the beauty wore off after 5 weeks. Then I started trying to change her - or me - or us - to accomodate the mismatch between us. The " trying to change" lasted about 8 weeks. Then I gave up, broke up, and moved on. Then I did it again a year later with another beauty; the process moved along a little quicker. Thankfully, I have finally learned.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

YES! As others have noted, though in your case, you didn't leave her, she left you. Having said that GET OVER IT! 

For some reason today, I keep coming back to limited thinking vs abundance thinking. You have limited thinking. You think she is so beautiful, so gorgeous, so into you, so loving, so affectionate etc etc. You cannot imagine anyone else can be that way. And you are questioning, now that she is gone, would anyone else want what you had. That is limited thinking

The reality is, if you had someone that beautiful, that loving, that caring, that affectionate etc etc in your life before, there is no reason to believe you cannot have that again. There are literally millions of other women in the world who meet your criteria right now. There will be just as man, if not more tomorrow.

But what you need to do, is to take the time to improve yourself. For two reasons. The first is so that the next one or several do not have those red flags and the second is so that when you do manage to attract this person into your life, you do not raise a bunch of red flags yourself and chase her off.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeah, I would be worried, that neediness would come back to hurt me. But I would probably eventually just tell her straight out, this is a problem if she is a good person.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I think in my case, I may very well have some attachment issues or something, because I chose to stay instead of run. She also apparently had attachment issues and would not let go. 

Just curious if my inexperience in dating or just "wanting to stay in a relationship", makes me want to try to fix it or let time make it better? 

Looking at emails, it was clear even early on that she was VERY wound up about having good communication, yet she is totally flawed there. 
Example - I loved this one - emailed to tell me she felt stressed and needed a break. The kids an stuff to do were getting to her. I told her no problem, please let me help and tell me what you need. She then says I don't need a break, I am just telling you how I feel. 

I am either a man without any ability to read women, or that makes no sense. Stressed and need a break, but don;t want to take one. OK. 
That is because she is not willing to leave her child and me and go do something else. I am FULLY capable of watching kids. 

This sort of thing should have maybe been a huge red flag? I don;t know


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I didn’t read your post, didn’t really need to

In direct answer to the question damn right I would and have. No woman, no matter how beautiful is, is worth tolerating shallow and needy behavior from. Thankfully I have grown in wisdom to know looks fade but a ****ty personality is forever.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I consider most women beautiful. I have found most men I have had the misfortune to have to hear from on the subject think I am much too easy to please in that regard.

I think most men are sick and twisted ungrateful wretches seeking movie stars who happen to look exactly like some idol they used to worship. I do not associate with men. The only male companionship I have ever tolerated is my own. 

That said, I have no idea if my girlfriends ever met anyone else's ideals or not except one incident. Some guy who lived near me once came over when I was outside my home, and he asked me how I managed to always get such great looking babes to hang all over me.

They all met my own criteria for beautiful. I'm sure they would not meet yours. Shallow? Maybe some. None nearly as shallow as what you describe. I dropped the shallow ones quick. Looks are so superficial I never paid much attention to them, really. The sparkle in the eyes, the way they light up when they smile, those I see. 

And great sex.

I have to say I cannot understand why you would continue to date the woman you described for more than a few days. Are you a masochist?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

WilliamM said:


> I have to say I cannot understand why you would continue to date the woman you described for more than a few days. Are you a masochist?


It all happened so wrong but there were so many things that felt right, that I stayed, ignoring many things I should not have. 

in the beginning, she really was in most ways absolutely perfect for me!!!! Not just the looks, the way she was. We were insanely comfortable together. 


When we met, I told her she was my first since my other ex, and still dealing with being a single dad, dealing witih my other ex, etc. 

I guess my other ex found out instantly when I got in a relationship and then "loved me" again, and I was a super guy again. She kept texting me. It was NOT fun because she is the mother of my boys and I was dealing with her, and my psycho girl was VERY not understanding with any of it. I wanted to just run from all of it, but I wanted to give the relationship and chance. 

So, I don;t know. I think in most cases, I have met women and I know pretty much instantly it won't work. I have been with other hot women, but I knew I could not see a future in it, so that became easy. 

Just not sure how much time it takes to determine things. I know I had one I talked to last week just for the hell of it. Really cute, but said one thing and I was gone. Guess she went after her ex's girlfriend and beat her up. That is NOT any drama I need.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I dated a woman that was exceptionally beautiful, was extremely intelligent, and the sex was so good I'll likely never have that again..,.

But she was a selfish jerk that started **** every time I turned around, for no April aren't reason other than to establish who wore the pants in the relationship.

I tired of it and finally broke up. I miss the fabulous sex. I miss her, when she wasn't passed abot something. She was fabulous in a lot of ways. But made me think I was crazy.
I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get along with her, as much as I loved her.

Thing is, it wasn't me. It was HER. Now that I'm with a normal woman, I can see how screwed until she was and how glad I am to be away from that.

Beauty? I've been out with women that had bodies like a model that were terrible in bed.
I've been out with women that were totally beautiful that were total botches.
My conclusion: Find one that treats YOU like YOU are valuable. They don't have to be gorgeous to fall in love with them. And when you do, THEY will be gorgeous to you.

Bob. You gotta let this woman go. You need to find yourself. Don't rely on another woman to get you out of your funk with the current one. Start working on devoting your attention to making your own life better.
The right one will come along when you least expect it. Your last one wasn't right for you. That's all you need to know.
Moving forward geTa easier when you make up your mind the last road was a dead end.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I am honestly just trying to figure out WHY I stayed, when there were SO many things that had me holding one foot out the door. I remember SO many things that were like light switch moments, yet I stayed because 'most' of it was good.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I still struggle with WHY I couldn't get along with that last gf that I truly loved with all my heart.

Those questions will never get answers.

You gotta move on and let the past be the past.
People fall out of love all the time. Find a relationship where it's easy to stay in love.
Then, be a good partner and enjoy yourself ur life.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> I am honestly just trying to figure out WHY I stayed, when there were SO many things that had me holding one foot out the door. I remember SO many things that were like light switch moments, yet I stayed because 'most' of it was good.


Maybe the important thing is not why did you stay, but why weren't you listening to yourself while you holding one foot out the door?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> I am just trying to understand a few things about myself anymore. When I met my lastest ex, I was still in some healing stages from my previous relationship. I made her aware of that and there were some feelings of letting one go while going right to the next one.
> 
> 
> However, the woman in question is just gorgeous and knows how to turn on the "sweet and loving", but there was a near immediate sense of neediness from her. The actual selfishness or narcissistic attitude did not show up for many months but stood out. She was always thoughtful in cooking for others, buying things for me, and that desire to be with me was a great feeling, but I could sense her happiness was tied directly to being with me.
> ...


Ey? Why compromise? I like a woman with both looks and brains. Not to mention a woman with a backbone, independence, strength of will and sense of self. I can't trust weaklings. Already you noticed how prone she was to needing the attention of other men on the dance floor. Beauty does not mean you are secure. Be picky with relationships, they are all overrated unless with the woman who blows your mind away in every way.

Besides no woman deserves to be settled for, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Go for what you want as not everyone has the same tastes.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

I don't care how pretty a woman is, I couldn't maintain the relationship if she were shallow, had no interests of her own, needy, judgmental, and dumb. If I'm living with someone they need to contribute to conversation, enjoy doing things other than making me miserable for sport.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Yes, would have no issues leaving. A toxic personality will make any "beauty" look like a troll.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> .... but you were with her for 3.5 years. And in another thread were lamenting hugely that you lost her. In another, wondering how to get her back. You are up and down like a bouncing ball.


*If this is truly the case, you'd better do some serious soul-searching and reflection!

If she is then found seriously lacking in meeting your exacting criteria, you need to sit her down mano y mano and have a rather long "gut-spilling session" to get you or her off of the hook!

If you don't really love them, why, pray tell is it that you would even want to be physically around them?

At this juncture, it likely won't be a very pleasant session, but it's likely the most productive process for addressing not only your concerns, but also hers!*


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> I am honestly just trying to figure out WHY I stayed, when there were SO many things that had me holding one foot out the door. I remember SO many things that were like light switch moments, yet I stayed because 'most' of it was good.


Because you're afraid to be alone and would rather have someone than no one?

Because you're deriving personal validation and self-worth from the outward appearances of both your relationship and your partner, so as long as it all _looks_ good you don't really care if it actually *is* good?

Because you like having the perks that come with a steady girlfriend - companionship, sex, help with chores and kids, sex, validation, sex - even if you know she's not someone you're interested in for the long term?

Because you are selfish and lack honesty and personal integrity, so you won't tell Ms. Right-Now that she's not Ms. Right, because then you'd be alone and lose all the perks and external validation of a beautiful partner and the appearance of a great relationship?

Pick an issue. Or, rather, recognize that they're all part of one big issue. You lack the self-esteem to be happy alone and to live in honesty with yourself and a partner. Work with a therapist to improve your self-esteem. You need to be emotionally healthy before you'll be able to attract and keep an emotionally healthy woman. And without both partners being emotionally healthy, the relationship will never be healthy or stable. Fix you first.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is nothing wrong with her.
There is nothing wrong with you.

The wrong is placing the two of you in close proximity.

She is a women that wants what she wants, right now.
She is co-dependent to the max. 
She wants her man by her side, to look at and to touch at a moments notice.

You ARE HER MAN. 
And as such, she expects you to act like it.

She is codependent and you are independent.
Therein is the rub, the rub that created the friction.

Some other worthy man will love the attention she throws his way. Love her looks and love her appearance and her body. And her aggressive behavior in bed. She does not want foreplay, she wants to get it on and get herself off. 
On her dancing up to other men? This is a manic phase, one that she displays to others to show how happy she is. 
All for show, to show others how social she is, how great a lady she is.
This is not likely a problem for any man in her life. But, for those that have some social decorum, etiquette, reserve, this can be embarrassing.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Beauty is like a nice sports car. Fun and exciting for a little while, but soon you discover that it doesn't matter. After your classic jaguar leaves you stranded by the side of the road a few times on your way to work, you may wish you had bought something a little less exotic and a little better built.


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