# Newbie and needed some help.



## richi910 (Dec 7, 2014)

Hi all,

I just sign up on this site trying to find some support and answer.
I see alot of people are going through almost the same situation as I do.
Any way, I have been married for over 7 years and been together for 10 years. I'm Asian and my husband is Caucasian. We met in Korea when I was working there. He was in the Army.
I think where we started is like a fairy tale. We met halfway across the world, been separated for 3 years due to visa process and 2 deployments. We came out strong. We were happy and have a 7 year old daughter.
I thought we have a normal happy busy married life.
But I was wrong. Last week before Thanksgiving, we had an argument which lead to silent treatment for 3 days. Until we came face to face and talk about the problem why I got so upset. And when I said it feels like we are just strangers living in the same house. And that's when I open the Pandora's box.
He told me that he loves me but not in-love with me anymore. That we don't have anything in common and he feels like he is not happy as he thought he would be.
Those sentences are like daggers stabbing me, I was shocked and so was he.
I never seen him cry and all I can do is to comfort him despite of all the pain he just inflicted me.
We talked and talked and the more we talked the more he gets confuse. He loves me so much that it hurts him to tell me all of this because he knows it would hurt me.
But he said he doesn't wanna be unfair to me and wants me to be truly happy. But he is my world and it feels like it just shattered in front of me and I don't know how to get up.
He doesn't want me to go out of my way "trying" to fix things because its not really helping him. I told him that i will give him space and time but I have not succeeded. I end up smothering him and it just makes things worst and weird.
He wants something more, like a person that he has something in common. He likes video games. I told him I could try and compromise but he doesn't want me to do that. Because he knows that is not me and he doesn't want to change me. That we should prioritize and not compromise.
He said I have been a wonderful wife, and this is not my fault.
This is the issue he has been going through but not comfortable enough to tell me because he doesn't wanna get close to me.
He said he doesn't feel like I am his best friend and he shouldn't feel that way. He thinks that there might be someone out there that he can share all of this things he want and might make him truly happy but he also doubt that, not all grass is greener on the other side. It hurts so bad hearing all of these words, but I understand or try to.
He's confuse if maybe we should end our marriage and move on and see if he can find what he's looking for all along. The catch is there is so much at stake. House, debt, and a daughter.
Or if we stay together and he continues to be unfair with me and both be miserable.
We try to be normal after the Pandora's box has opened but things are not the same anymore. I am a passionate person, I wanna make love to him be he cant. More dagger to stab me.
I cant keep feeling sorry for myself and he doesnt wanna see me like that, because he said he is also feeling so much pain to be in this situation.
He doesn't know what to do now and neither do I. I'm trying to keep him and hold on to him but day after day, he keeps drifting away. He said he doesn't wanna do that, he's not giving up on me yet but I cant see a clear future from here.
He ask me to give him space and time to figure this out but he has been feeling this all of this time, 10 years and just now really come out that he is not finding it. That he wants more in a relationship. We never really talk heart to heart because I know he doesn't really like to talk. And he thinks it shouldn't be that way, and he said he doesn't talk because he's not comfortable enough to be so close to me like a best friend. That we dont have that spark.
It hurts to hear all of this, and we have to pretend everything is okay but it is not.
I am trying to give him space and time but I am over here deteriorating.
He told me to be strong for our daughter, be strong for whatever happens. He told me he loves me and will always be there for me.
How is this possible? He loves me but what we have is not enough and wants something more. And that "more" is something that he has been trying to figure out all of this year and still not finding it. Now i realize this popular phrase of "its not you, its me."
I am planning to stay at my friends house this weekend, seems like a good idea to give him some space and time.
I need to pull some inner strength to go through this and try to prepare myself to whatever worse is coming. I dont have my own family here in the States, his family are now my family but he does not want them to know. And I dont want my family to know either.
I respect him and I only have one friend that knows about this.

Any advise, insight is greatly appreciated.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Tell the guy to read some of the threads here to see what it means to be strangers in the same house. Very little to no intimacy, constant arguments, mental issues, health issues, cheating, financial issues, the works. If his issue is that you don't play video games with him well yea good luck there. I've been a gamer for 45 years (pong!!) and I'm not interested to have my wife play Halo or what have you with me. 

I would wonder if he has something going on the side, to come out of the blue and give you the speech.


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## richi910 (Dec 7, 2014)

Thanks for the input. He said its just not the video games, its more of like connection/sparks. Like I don't get his sense of humor. He is not comfortable on doing things with me and its also hurting him because he's guilty to feel like a bad husband.
He's confusion is very valid and I'm trying to understand it.
He said we are just completely different, he wants something more out of our relationship and I am happy with what we have. 
He's confused whether we should call it quits so he could move on and maybe find what he's looking for with someone else or stay with me not completely happy because there is so much at stake.
He doesn't know what to do and neither do I. I suggest maybe we could find a middle ground to meet halfway but he said he's been trying to find it for the past 7 years but he's not finding it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

john117 said:


> Tell the guy to read some of the threads here to see what it means to be strangers in the same house. Very little to no intimacy, constant arguments, mental issues, health issues, cheating, financial issues, the works. If his issue is that you don't play video games with him well yea good luck there. I've been a gamer for 45 years (pong!!) and I'm not interested to have my wife play Halo or what have you with me.
> 
> *I would wonder if he has something going on the side, to come out of the blue and give you the speech.*


Uhhh... yep!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

richi910 said:


> Thanks for the input. He said its just not the video games, its more of like connection/sparks. Like I don't get his sense of humor. He is not comfortable on doing things with me and its also hurting him because he's guilty to feel like a bad husband.
> He's confusion is very valid and I'm trying to understand it.
> He said we are just completely different, he wants something more out of our relationship and I am happy with what we have.
> *He's confused whether we should call it quits so he could move on and maybe find what he's looking for with someone else* or stay with me not completely happy because there is so much at stake.
> He doesn't know what to do and neither do I. I suggest maybe we could find a middle ground to meet halfway but he said he's been trying to find it for the past 7 years but he's not finding it.


I'd be willing to bet that he's already got someone specific in mind.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, I think you need to look into divorce. I think it may be coming whether you want it to or not. Best to prepare yourself now.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

From what you write you are a good wife and your husband knows it. 

I would bet he is feeling guilty because he is, or is about to, cheat on you. If you want to save your marriage you need to act decisively and demand you go to marriage counselling to work things out if possible and he must be honest with you whether he is seeing or wants to see someone else. 

He is not telling you the truth thats why he is making pathetic excuses why you should separate. He probably told you that you would be happier with him gone. What he means is that he would be happier with you gone. But he knows you are innocent and feels guilty to say something so selfish.



richi910 said:


> He told me that he loves me but not in-love with me anymore.


This is text book cheaters talk. Highly likely he is seeing someone else.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Somebody is looking at the grass on the other side of the fence...


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