# Question for the Manly, Opinionated Men (you know who you are...)



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Just wondering - are you as open with your views in "real life"? 

Do you actually talk this openly with other men outside of this board or the internet?

As a man, I find it difficult to truly open up to other men. Its much easier on the internet. Its also much easier to discuss things with women - as they seem less judgmental.

But deep, meaningful conversations with other men have been few and far between for me. Is this another "Nice Guy" thing, a gender thing, or a personality thing?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

^^^^^^^^
I'm definitely not a manly man in any perceived day to day meaning of the phrase. As far as all of the "dominance wordplay" in the other thread I already voiced my opinion on that!! I would say I'm a nice guy first a rescuer enjoy giving far far more than receiving type.

I'm a open book men or women it doesn't matter! With that being said I'm not a social person either. I can talk topic, have serious discussions, aka have a direct talking point or subject, and I'm good at small talk like parties, but just being loud, like "Wooooooo........drink .......wooo-hoooooo go team....high five.....more loud etc Man did you see that MF'er go Wooo-hooooo"

I'm not in my comfort zone and don't enjoy it at all if that makes any sense....


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

If you spent 10 minutes with me in life, you'd have your answer right away.  I am your typical type A personality, I am a social butterfly and I love to interact with people. I am actually more reserved on these boards then I am in real life and all other places. In real life I am very upfront, open and honest about everything. I also am a huge smart-ass and I crack jokes constantly. I don't do that around here though because I feel a lot of people are hurting and honestly sarcasm and jokes don't always go over as well online as they do in real life. You miss the persons body language, the glint in their eyes, or the smile on their face.

I have no problem talking to other men or women about my views and thoughts on relationships, sex, etc. There IS one thing though that I am not as open with in real life, and that's with my wife fetishes. And that's not due to my choice, but she asked me to keep them from people she knows, so I have kept those from people. But all other aspects I'm an open book.

As far as dominance, etc goes? Yes I live it in life as I say I do on the boards. I am a manager for my job so I must constantly direct people in the work environment. I also teach Karate, so dominance, assertiveness, etc is a must when I do that as well.

In the end I figure people either like me for exactly who I am warts and all, or they don't. I don't need to put on a face and show people what I think they want to see.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

But do your conversations with other men have the "depth" that has been shown in some of the recent threads in the Men's Clubhouse?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

*Swinging my beer mug*

Why of course I do!!!

Why at Joe's Corner Tavern the other day, we had a deep discussion on relationships and what they mean to us as individuals and partners.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> But do your conversations with other men have the "depth" that has been shown in some of the recent threads in the Men's Clubhouse?


Yes, they do. I love talking and I could talk to people for hours on end. I enjoy talking about concrete things all the way to the metaphysical/spiritual side. I even have the deep type discussions with my employees, I have an open door policy that I will talk to them about anything they want be it personal or job related.

I'm one of the guys who will invite the door to door religious folks in to sit down and talk. And no, it's not about me trying to "convert" them, I just enjoy lively discussion. It irritates my wife to no end at times, but it's who I am.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My 'depth' of discussions is much like a swimming pool.

Many of my male friends flail about in the shallow end. What we discuss here would be made light of, or met with puzzled looks. They simply are not deep, introspective guys. However, I will say that if they are looking for input or advice on deep matters - I'm the guy they come to. Primarily because they know that I am NOT going to mock or make light of whatever their circumstance or quandary may be.

I have few male friends that engage in 'life talk' regularly. There is a ritual involved in breaking the ice to get to that place where everyone is comfortable with the content. It tends to follow a pack mentality in terms of contribution, but it easily gets as deep as we discuss here.

I have a singular friend, my best friend, and absolutely anything goes. Hopes, concerns, life, love, kids, marriage, divorce, sex.

People describe me as outgoing, likable, charming, and funny. I interact with customers in my job and historically my skill is being able to put them at ease and increase their level of confidence in the project.

My manner here on the board is very much as I am IRL. Open, at times sarcastic, or completely out in left field. I am not a Type A.

Women describe me as 'cute'. Can't say I like that moniker. What I hear from that is I'm not good looking or handsome - but I'm attractive like a puppy or baby gorilla. I can live with that if it means they want to tickle my tummy so to speak.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> People describe me as outgoing, likable, charming, and funny.


Yeah, sure. . .and if you were a woman, you'd be saying that you are 36, 24, 36, like long walks on beaches and romantic dinners, and really mean people turn you off. 



> I interact with customers in my job and historically my skill is being able to put them at ease and increase their level of confidence in the project.
> 
> My manner here on the board is very much as I am IRL. Open, at times sarcastic, or completely out in left field. I am not a Type A.


Okay, actually, in all seriousness, I am not as open as I am on this board (and others). I am a bit quiet and reserved, but I do have a singular wit and wisdom about me.

I am the type that can make sexual jokes with my office manager and staff and yet, not been hit with a sexual harrassment lawsuit.

Why? Because they know I am a horny toad, I'm a guy, and that's that. I intuitively know the boundary to not try something like grabbing their ass.

My humor tends to be more self-deprecating, perhaps witty vs. sarcasm. I also love a well placed pun. A good pun is very punny.



> Women describe me as 'cute'. Can't say I like that moniker. What I hear from that is I'm not good looking or handsome - but I'm attractive like a puppy or baby gorilla. I can live with that if it means they want to tickle my tummy so to speak.


Whatever gets you laid.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> Yeah, sure. . .and if you were a woman, you'd be saying that you are 36, 24, 36, like long walks on beaches and romantic dinners, and really mean people turn you off.


As opposed to introverted, socially awkward, with poor hygiene - it does paint a picture. And by your definition, if a woman I'd be Charlize Theron. Sure. I'll be Charlize Theron.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Crypsys said:


> I'm one of the guys who will invite the door to door religious folks in to sit down and talk...It irritates my wife to no end at times, but it's who I am.



:smthumbup:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Actually, the first roadblock to your question is that men usually don't discuss their marriage issues with other guys. I know I didn't, not with my brothers or friends or co-workers.

But when a friend of mine revealed he was having serious marriage problems, I gave him a lot of the same advice that I give here.

Seriously, my manly telling my friend to "tell your wife to shut up and get back into the kitchen/bedroom" would be doing him a disservice. If I want to help him, serious advice like I try to give here, is necessary.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

When men talk, they usually have a point. When women talk, they just whine. I wish I were a man. 

In my real life, I don't express myself at tall since I don't like talking to women, and I can't talk to men. That's why I like discussion forums so much because I can talk to men. 

My husband knows that and he is very supportive. He can have very deep conversation with me and he understands that I am attracted to men. I can talk to men whatever I want if it's out in the forum for everybody to see. He doesn't like it if I start talking to men privately. The rule he sets for me is helping a great deal because I get to talk to men. Ha ha ha, sometimes I am confused about myself. Why am I like this????? I wish I were a normal woman so I can have more friends, but I am not. Sigh..............................


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Actually, the first roadblock to your question is that men usually don't discuss their marriage issues with other guys. I know I didn't, not with my brothers or friends or co-workers.
> 
> But when a friend of mine revealed he was having serious marriage problems, I gave him a lot of the same advice that I give here.
> 
> Seriously, my manly telling my friend to "tell your wife to shut up and get back into the kitchen/bedroom" would be doing him a disservice. If I want to help him, serious advice like I try to give here, is necessary.


Do you know what advice I give to women? Stop complaining and conquer their men in bed(give them more sex)!!! They don't like it. 


Who cares!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

The last time I tried to have a "deep" conversation was with an old friend from high school. Way too much alcohol involved for it to be intellectual. Not a good experience - trying to talk to a drunk "friend" about your marriage problems.

Has always been much easier for me to talk to women.

Women seem so much more open. The girl/woman who sits next to me at work now has told me A LOT of things about her mother/father/sisters/etc. And when she talks about this stuff, she's usually talking at a normal voice level, not hiding it at all. I'm sure there are a good 3 or 4 other people around who could hear every word she says.

Those kind of people freak me out a bit with their honesty, but it also encourages me to open up a bit because it reminds me that we are all dealing with our own issues.

I don't think I've ever met a guy who has just opened up like that. Usually takes a great deal of time and/or some sort of ice-breaker as Chris described above.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think it is easy for a man to talk to a woman because you don't feel threatened or being judged by her. For me, I am worried that they will be jealous of me so I don't want to show how happy I am in front of other women. You know, women are very jealous, they don't like it if you tell them happy stuff. They only like it if you tell them how horrible you husband treats you. I am not like that. That's why I like talking to men because I don't need to worry about this. They won't be jealous of me! 

Men like to talk about cars and hobbies, women like to talk about families. But when a man has marriage problems, he does need a place to seek help. I think TAM is great for men just as good as for women. I went to other Chinese forums, they don't have marriage discussion, so you only see a bunch of women there complaining or showing off their LVs or COACHes, or gossip, I get sick of that kind of forums very quickly.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't discuss my personal marriage business with other men for the same reason I wouldn't share the combination to my safe with a group of thieves.


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## Asmarino (Aug 20, 2010)

I am a very reserved kind of person and rarely do an open discussion with men. And so is with women. I, subconsciously, don't want to be judged. But here I find it easy to be open without any reservation.
I have 1-2 real men friends with whome I talk openly, things that bother me too much in my life and we advise each other.
99% of the discussion I make with men are politics and sex (and relationship) the rest about family. I never talk about people when I am with men. When I am with women 90% is family and relationship issues.
In general I am more open in the forum than in real life.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Okay not sure who all this is for but I am a man and I have an opinion so here it is. 



nice777guy said:


> Just wondering - are you as open with your views in "real life"?


Depends. 

On this board, if anyone was to read all my posts together, they would see many things perhaps about my personal life that I simply am not going to reveal to someone who knows me and my wife in person. That is the beauty of the anonimous nature of this forum, to be able to see these issues in public but still hold to the personal privacy as individuals. 



> Do you actually talk this openly with other men outside of this board or the internet?


Even this evening a male coworker and myself were discussing marriage and women, and just happens some word of advice I spoke to him a few weeks ago proved true to his somewhat astonishment (in this case regarding actions versus words in his own marriage).



> As a man, I find it difficult to truly open up to other men. Its much easier on the internet. Its also much easier to discuss things with women - as they seem less judgmental.


Tell me more why to avoid the judgmental? 

If a woman is not judgmental, are you sure she is not maybe judgmental and simply not revealing this to you out of respect or not wanting to hurt your feelings?

In this way, I am afraid someone to avoid judgment as a rule is missing the opportunity to learn and improve in maybe many areas of their own life. 

For to be sure, if I am speaking on marriage or women or men or any other topic to my male coworkers, I better be able to stand on my words, as I would not want to be speaking of something as truth that is indeed untrue or even half true. 

This is the benefit of conflict and confrontation, as the test of rightness or truthfullness or strength or to seperate the best from the almost best! 

For whether of athletics or academics or competition among any two ideas or items, how to determine rightness or truth without this type of conflict, or judgment? 

Even to the point of being today a better man than he was yesterday, of what can the good man measure himself without judgment or competition? 

Whether in my own exercise to lift more weight, in my career to earn more money, in my social relationships to be more sought after for companionship, and in my romantic relatoinship with my wife to be even more sexual and emotionally satisfied tomorrow than we are yesterday, all of these things require proper judgment.



> But deep, meaningful conversations with other men have been few and far between for me. Is this another "Nice Guy" thing, a gender thing, or a personality thing?


What kinds of relationships do you have with other men? Do you have any career or social scenarios where you are part of an all male team working together for the common goal? 

I am speaking generally, because men in competition with one another are one thing, but men working together as a team, this is something else entirely and is in my experience the most opportunity to share openly regarding the deeper questions and experiences in life, that perhaps you are speaking of to this thread.

For the good man, he needs to find the places to be working together with other men as the team for these good and meaningful discussions.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

With women - maybe its not avoiding judgment - maybe that's not the best phrasing.

Women seem much more likely to follow up later - ask later "how are you doing with xyz?"

Most of my "teamwork" right now would be at work - which involves an equal mix of both genders. My working relationships with men are good. Also able to socialize freely about sports or politics with other men while at work.

When I go to lunch with male co-workers, the conversation usually centers around work, politics, sports, etc.

Like I was saying - generally my ease with opening up with women more often comes from their initial honesty and openness with me. After they have shared something that I would have considered very personal or private (and I'll admit I am more private than many people) - then I feel better able to be more open with them.

I cannot think of a single circumstance in my adult life where a man has suddenly, unexpectedly and freely opened up to me in the way that a handful of women have done.

I've recently started learning Judo - but class is not a social event. My partner in class and I are working together, but its a silent, physical cooperation.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> I cannot think of a single circumstance in my adult life where a man has suddenly, unexpectedly and freely opened up to me in the way that a handful of women have done.


I wouldn't expect that to ever be the case. With men it will always come down to rapport, and boundaries.

I think what is important, is that overall we SHOULD have male connections that we can discuss these circumstances comfortably with. Whether it is a trusted friend, or family member, being able to share experience and insight needs to make the transition from being seen as a weakness, to more along the lines of strategic planning.

There is a world of difference between going on about how deeply wounded you feel because your wife is emotionally distant, versus asking a friend what makes his marriage work, or what made it tank. It is more about an exchange than having a shoulder to lean on. As the exchanges become more comfortable and personal, requesting support takes on a different appearance.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am unfiltered but not sexually explicit. 



Deejo said:


> I wouldn't expect that to ever be the case. With men it will always come down to rapport, and boundaries.
> 
> I think what is important, is that overall we SHOULD have male connections that we can discuss these circumstances comfortably with. Whether it is a trusted friend, or family member, being able to share experience and insight needs to make the transition from being seen as a weakness, to more along the lines of strategic planning.
> 
> There is a world of difference between going on about how deeply wounded you feel because your wife is emotionally distant, versus asking a friend what makes his marriage work, or what made it tank. It is more about an exchange than having a shoulder to lean on. As the exchanges become more comfortable and personal, requesting support takes on a different appearance.


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