# Problems with ED, sex and marriage



## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

I asm 70 and my wife is 65. When I first met my wife she was 50 and I was 55. Our sex life was very good. Over the years I developed ED and cannot get an erection and my wife has lost all interest in sex. For a few years it was OK, my T level was very low (33) and I was never horny or interested in sex. My estrogen level was higher than my T level. We were basically roommates not husband and wife.

I finally got put on estrogen blockers and T shots and now my T level is near 1000 and I am horny all the time but still unable to have an erection I have the pills which do not work and a vacuum pump which I cannot get to work, so I am frustrated over that. 

Yesterday I kind of gave her an ultimatum about trying anything sexual and she told me that she was only interested in sex if I could get an erection and have actual sex otherwise she could care less about sex. She used to masturbate but no longer does. Not sure what I can do now but continue to to watch porn and masturbate (I cannot get hard but I can ejaculate). 

I try to pay her attention, I kiss her and rub her back and touch her in intimate ways and I do stuff around the house as much as I can. I also had a cyst on my spinal cord that was finally removed and it helped, I am numb through my groin area. I have spinal stenosis and hope to have major surgery that will fix the numbness. Maybe that will let me have an erection. I do not know. But I can hope.

I am very frustrated and hating life.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Sounds like PIED, porn induced erectile dysfunction. Stop the porn and stop masturbating. Completely and forever. It will come back.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

That sounds really hard on both of you, sorry to hear


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

AndStilliRise said:


> Sounds like PIED, porn induced erectile dysfunction. Stop the porn and stop masturbating. Completely and forever. It will come back.


Did you read the OPs age?
And the OPs medical conditions?

I would suggest the OP gives up on sex and gets a hobby.
At some stage in life you're just too old for your sex organs to work.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

There is a product available:
Phoenix Ultrasound Thingie.

That comes with a penis pump.

I have an ultrasound device that came with my TENS unit:
Ultrasound Unit for your unit.

My doctor said it would do the same thing as the Phoenix: increase blood flow to the treated area through angiogenesis.

As for penis pumps, they do work, they can not only help you reverse atrophy but possibly give you an increase in size. Are you, uh, hirsute? Shaving might be necessary to get a good seal.

A **** tie or **** ring can be used to keep that erection in place, once you get it.

Also, do your Kegels! Every day!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sucks, but indeed some women ONLY want PIV sex.
Maybe some of the women here can explain why!
when a man's penis stops getting hard, it is obviously a blow to him. so a lot of men try to compensate by using their fingers, or cunnilingus, sex toys, or other kinky sexual acts that do not require a penis.
when his wife then says something like "i ONLY like sex with a hard penis", that is pretty hurtful! He is trying hard, but then gets hit upside his head with that comment.

And i will bet the OP's wife can still have a fine orgasm by him using other means, and at the time she clearly enjoys it. but a few minutes later it is back to the "I ONLY like sex with a hard penis" way of thinking. See how it can be confusing!


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I dunno, man....maybe you should have left that genie in the bottle......


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Did you read the OPs age?
> And the OPs medical conditions?
> 
> I would suggest the OP gives up on sex and gets a hobby.
> At some stage in life you're just too old for your sex organs to work.


Statistically, he’s not there yet. Address the most obvious problems first.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> That sounds really hard on both of you, sorry to hear


I don't think it's very hard for the wife...


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Yesterday I kind of gave her an ultimatum about trying anything sexual and she told me that she was only interested in sex if I could get an erection and have actual sex otherwise she could care less about sex. She used to masturbate but no longer does. Not


She says she’s _only_ interested in sex if you can get hard, _knowing _that you can’t get hard. What does that tell you? Doesn’t sound like she’s interested in sex at all anyway. This way she just gets to blame you. 🙁 

If the wanting to have sex is driving you nuts, stop with all the testosterone shots and find a nice hobby. 🤷‍♀️ I bet she misses it when she has nothing sexually that you want anymore. I think you’re blaming yourself way too much. There’s lots of other things you could do to compensate, but she doesn’t want that either. So is this really a ‘you’ problem? Probably not. I feel so bad for you. You’re 70 years old! Don’t be so hard on yourself.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I asm 70 and my wife is 65. When I first met my wife she was 50 and I was 55. Our sex life was very good. Over the years I developed ED and cannot get an erection and my wife has lost all interest in sex. For a few years it was OK, my T level was very low (33) and I was never horny or interested in sex. My estrogen level was higher than my T level. We were basically roommates not husband and wife.
> 
> I finally got put on estrogen blockers and T shots and now my T level is near 1000 and I am horny all the time but still unable to have an erection I have the pills which do not work and a vacuum pump which I cannot get to work, so I am frustrated over that.
> 
> ...


Just a little curious why you didn't let sleeping dogs lie so to speak. If the wife was done with sex and your T level so low that you didn't care either, would seem you were both in a good place to coast on out of this life. Have you considered just stopping with the the estrogen blockers and T shots? Your T levels will just naturally drop and you will again arrive in a place where you don't care. And porn wont be an attraction either.

When your T levels were low and estrogen high, did you care if you had an erection? Did your wife care? I think the reason you are frustrated is you got your T levels pumped up thinking that would solve things, but all it did was elevate your drive and make you frustrated because you don't get release.

If your wife will only accept PIV, and you are determined to have that happen then your doctor is going to need to figure out what is wrong and help correct it (if possible). Usually unless you have nerve damage, the ED drugs work if you are aroused, which you say in your head you are. If you have numbness, then maybe the nerve bundle isn't allowing signals to close the valves that cause an erection. And since you are facing back surgery, there is potential for more damage from that.

Honestly, in your shoes would seriously consider stopping the HRT and revert to where things were before you woke the beast.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

The only "hobby" you should be taking up is getting your erection back, and that should be your JOB until you can stand outside naked and determine the wind speed & direction.

1. Get a Kegel app for your phone, start doing them every day, short ones, long ones, build up your pelvic floor.
2. Figure out the pumping, You will see results very quickly. "Nerve bundles" don't have ANYTHING to do with pumping, it's all pneumatics. Can you get the pump to grab onto your stomach? Then it's working. You need it to seal, though, so no hair and use something to help it seal, coconut oil, KY. grab your wife's can of Pam & give it a quick shot.
3. Once you get the pumping figured out, if you need a little help for longevity, get a "String Tie" for your pecker:
String Tie 4 Yer Pecker.

Your T is at 1,000! Make it happen!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if you really want to get hard, but every other method no longer workks, you probably need to go see a urologist and get a prescription for a Trimix injection. you will get hard with that!


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> if you really want to get hard, but every other method no longer workks, you probably need to go see a urologist and get a prescription for a Trimix injection. you will get hard with that!


I remember hearing the guitarist for the band Mountain talking about penile injections maybe 30 years ago on the Howard Stern show. He said they worked great. I don't know if it was Trimix or not, but if it came down to my only option I'd jab myself with a needle.

WAIT! How big IS that needle?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Noman said:


> I remember hearing the guitarist for the band Mountain talking about penile injections maybe 30 years ago on the Howard Stern show. He said they worked great. I don't know if it was Trimix or not, but if it came down to my only option I'd jab myself with a needle.
> 
> WAIT! How big IS that needle?


it is a thin diameter needle.
but the bad news is it is pretty long, 1 or 1 1/2" long if i remember.
the somewhat good news, the side of the shaft of your penis does not have many nerves, so injecting in the right place goes right thru the side, into the spongy material inside. then thru some chemical magic, the blood flows into that spongy material and you get rock hard.

it is not as bad as it sounds, AND you get to get laid again!
and unless u screw it up, there is almost no pain

really the only problem is if you inject too much liquid, you end up with a six hour erection, and might need to go to the ER to deflate it. Your doctor figures out the EXACT dosage you need to use.

it is relatively cheap too, since it is a mixture of three sterile but common compounds that are not patented. so any pharmacy that is licensed to do these mixtures can provide it. you keep the medicine in the refrigerator.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> if you really want to get hard, but every other method no longer workks, you probably need to go see a urologist and get a prescription for a Trimix injection. you will get hard with that!


Yeah, a lot of the urologists around here want to go straight to trimix if viagra or cialis aren't doing the trick. But it isn't a panacea for everyone and in my case wasn't the problem at all. Low T was the problem and HRT solved it. Don't need any PDE5 inhibitor.

The thing I don't know is whether Trimix will work if you have nerve damage, which the OP mentions. And it takes awhile for the dosage to get dialed in. You can do some serious damage injecting incorrectly or too often or with too high of a dose. My first urologist told me Trimix was maximum three times/week usage. And would take a month to arrive at the correct dosage. I left him because he went right to Trimix without even getting any details about what was happening. 

The urologist actually needs to diagnose what is causing the problem. I had my prostate removed 2 decades ago, so they usually want to just say, that is the whole problem, get used to it. Blood flow, nerve damage, or endocrine problems. It can even be a Pituitary tumor, Thyroid problems, Drugs being taken for underlying conditions like hypertension, anxiety, or depression. If you look up the side effects for a lot of medications, ED is one of them. Diabetes, Obesity, can also cause ED.

So just injecting Trimix to get hard IMO is a very bad idea. And you have to be a little proactive and careful about just going with what any urologists advise. If they want to write you a prescription for Trimix without doing any testing and diagnosis, find another doctor.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Noman said:


> I remember hearing the guitarist for the band Mountain talking about penile injections maybe 30 years ago on the Howard Stern show. He said they worked great. I don't know if it was Trimix or not, but if it came down to my only option I'd jab myself with a needle.
> 
> WAIT! How big IS that needle?


I believe Bimix and then Trimix ( there is a Quadramix now too) was originally used by the porn film industry and was the first successful treatment for ED. Cialis and Viagra were originally developed to treat hypertension, and the clinical trials revealed the "side effects" that ended up being their main use.

That is another thing, the doctor has to decide which mix to prescribe, and some people don't tolerate Trimix well. You also have to keep Sudafed on hand in case you stay hard longer than three hours. Otherwise to ER to get the blood drawn off, or you wont need to worry about ED anymore cuz they will need to amputate to treat the gangrene.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

all true.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Noman said:


> The only "hobby" you should be taking up is getting your erection back, and that should be your JOB until you can stand outside naked and determine the wind speed & direction.
> 
> 1. Get a Kegel app for your phone, start doing them every day, short ones, long ones, build up your pelvic floor.
> 2. Figure out the pumping, You will see results very quickly. "Nerve bundles" don't have ANYTHING to do with pumping, it's all pneumatics. Can you get the pump to grab onto your stomach? Then it's working. You need it to seal, though, so no hair and use something to help it seal, coconut oil, KY. grab your wife's can of Pam & give it a quick shot.
> ...


It's 4:30 am and this descriptor has me laughing like a hyena.🤣


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> It's 4:30 am and this descriptor has me laughing like a hyena.🤣


Should I feel good or bad?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Noman said:


> Should I feel good or bad?


You gave someone a laugh to start their day. Feel good about that.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I asm 70 and my wife is 65. .... We were basically roommates not husband and wife.
> 
> ....Yesterday I kind of gave her an ultimatum about trying anything sexual and she told me that she was only interested in sex if I could get an erection and have actual sex otherwise she could care less about sex. She used to masturbate but no longer does. Not sure what I can do now but continue to to watch porn and masturbate (I cannot get hard but I can ejaculate).
> 
> I try to pay her attention, I kiss her and rub her back and touch her in intimate ways and I do stuff around the house as much as I can....


About 12 years ago, when I was 60 years old, my wife told me she never wanted to have sex with me again. She also told me that if I couldn't get it up, I was not horny enough to have sex with her. She called my sex organs dirty. She would not touch me in anyway to sexually arouse me. She would not wear anything in bed to sexually arouse me. She would not say things to sexually arouse me. She told me that kissing me was too intimate and made her uncomfortable. He idea of male foreplay and sex was to roll over on her back, take off her panties, open her legs and put a pillow over he head. I decided I could not take it any more. She also was emotionally abusive toward me. I used my hands, mouth, fingers to bring her to orgasm most times I was "allowed" to make love with her, which was very rare. Afterwards she would usually pick a fight with me to create emotional distance between us.

I went on a program of self improvement. I read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Clover and discovered I was a classic nice guy. I learned being codependent and needy were not sexy to my wife. I read MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage and learned about Getting a Life, 180's and how to take better care of myself. I also read Chapman's the 5 Languages of Love and how to make my wife feel loved and cherished. She really liked the new me and wanted to read what I was reading. So I shared bits and pieces and then insisted that we go to a sex therapist.

The Sex Therapist saved our marriage, but it took my wife realizing that her continued actions would lead to divorce and it would be because of what she did. The Sex Therapist was good and told me wife she needed to take responsibility for her actions and the obvious consequences of those actions.

I would strongly recommend you and your wife schedule some time with a Marriage Counselor who is also a sex therapist. I would also suggest you do some serious introspection to figure out which part of this problem you own and make some serious changes in your life.

Good luck.

P.S. we have agreed to have sex twice a week with the help of the ST negotiating with us and are still married but much happier.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I asm 70 and my wife is 65. When I first met my wife she was 50 and I was 55. Our sex life was very good. Over the years I developed ED and cannot get an erection and my wife has lost all interest in sex. For a few years it was OK, my T level was very low (33) and I was never horny or interested in sex. My estrogen level was higher than my T level. We were basically roommates not husband and wife.
> 
> I finally got put on estrogen blockers and T shots and now my T level is near 1000 and I am horny all the time but still unable to have an erection I have the pills which do not work and a vacuum pump which I cannot get to work, so I am frustrated over that.
> 
> ...


How did she feel when you guys first stopped having sex? What did you guys do to maintain sexual intimacy when it first became difficult for you to get an erection and have PIV?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You might need to adjust those blockers you're on because they seem to have made you hornier than is convenient. You know, meds can be adjusted but you need to talk to the doctor and not just do it yourself. 

Have you been using porn all along or only since you started using the blockers? 

Your wife probably really doesn't know what to do if you can't get an erection. I've never run across someone who could ejaculate without getting an erection so I doubt if she knows what to do either. Obviously she probably doesn't want to do oral if you're not erect. And I guess you can't do intercourse. 

I would talk to the doctor and tell him you're too horny and still can't get an erection and see what he says. 

Because that sounds miserable.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> About 12 years ago, when I was 60 years old, my wife told me she never wanted to have sex with me again. She also told me that if I couldn't get it up, I was not horny enough to have sex with her. She called my sex organs dirty. She would not touch me in anyway to sexually arouse me. She would not wear anything in bed to sexually arouse me. She would not say things to sexually arouse me. She told me that kissing me was too intimate and made her uncomfortable. He idea of male foreplay and sex was to roll over on her back, take off her panties, open her legs and put a pillow over he head. I decided I could not take it any more.  She also was emotionally abusive toward me. I used my hands, mouth, fingers to bring her to orgasm most times I was "allowed" to make love with her, which was very rare. Afterwards she would usually pick a fight with me to create emotional distance between us.
> 
> I went on a program of self improvement. I read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Clover and discovered I was a classic nice guy. I learned being codependent and needy were not sexy to my wife. I read MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage and learned about Getting a Life, 180's and how to take better care of myself. I also read Chapman's the 5 Languages of Love and how to make my wife feel loved and cherished. She really liked the new me and wanted to read what I was reading. So I shared bits and pieces and then insisted that we go to a sex therapist.
> 
> ...


How long were you married, and did she treat you abusively always until 12 years ago? What caused your relationship to deteriorate to where it was 12 years ago? What did the marriage counselor / sex therapist tell your wife that she believed, that she didn't hear already from you?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

It saddens me when read threads about couples in the autumn of their lives, blessed to have partners, who treat that relationship without compassion or any desire to maintain the spark in the relationship. It must be that no goodwill was built earlier in the marriage to carry them through difficulties. The OP is having troubles, and the wife basically tells him she is only interested in the one intimacy he isn't capable of achieving. [email protected] has to jump through hoops and hire an MC ( which isn't cheap ) to convince his wife she is headed for divorce if she doesn't straighten up.

There are plenty of people who live alone for years, their spouse having died. We often don't appreciate people until they are no longer with us.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> How long were you married, and did she treat you abusively always until 12 years ago? What caused your relationship to deteriorate to where it was 12 years ago? What did the marriage counselor / sex therapist tell your wife that she believed, that she didn't hear already from you?


How long were you married

At that time about 38 years, now married for 50 years

and did she treat you abusively always until 12 years ago? 

No, it grew over time. The abuse was that she really wanted to emotionally distance herself from me. Whenever she felt romantic or after we made love, she would start a fight with me to regain her emotional distance. There is nothing quite like feeling oxytocine, post-coital bonding and then while all your defenses are down, being emotionally attacked. It really makes you feel like you can never let your guard down.
What caused your relationship to deteriorate to where it was 12 years ago? 

Part of it was empty nest syndrome (children finding partners and focusing on them-not mom), part of it was taking me for granted. Part of it was not understanding each other's love languages. Part of it was her wanting more freedom in her life, which cause her to push me away. In her 50's she worked and achieved a doctorate, which required her to spend a lot of time studying and required that I give her space for both classes and her research.
Another part of it was me. Until I read Chapman's 5 Love Languages, I did really understand how to make her feel Cherished each day. Until I read Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, I didn't really understand how co-dependent and clingy I was. Until I read M.W. Davis the Sex Starved Marriage, I didn't understand that while she had been changing and growing, I had not changed the way we interacted. I needed to learn how to do 180's and change the way both I treated her and she treated me.
What did the marriage counselor / sex therapist tell your wife that she believed, that she didn't hear already from you?

It wasn't so much what the ST told my wife, as much as forcing my wife to face the reality about the long term consequences of her actions. My wife mentally fought with the ST by avoiding her questions for quite a while. During one session, she told the ST that she was not my wife's boss and my wife didn't have to answer her questions or do the homework she suggested. One time, I asked the ST, if I sure try to make my wife do the homework or readings assigned. The ST, said no, I should not do that as it would just be the source of a fight between us. The process was to help my wife and me separately. If we didn't want help, that was our individual choice. My wife worked hard at her own mental reality and didn't want to see what she was doing. 
The ST once said that my wife was acting like a rebellious teenager and that I needed to become the adult in the room, but not try to be her father. That was an important lesson for me. I had to learn how to be adult and not be drawn into fights and arguments when my wife yelled at me or "punched my hot buttons." I had to learn how to calmly ask questions as to why did she say certain things, or ask if that was what she really wanted.
The "deer in the headlights moment" was during one session when the ST asked my wife, if my wife thought we would eventually divorce if we no longer had sex. My wife avoided answering for quite a while, but finally admitted that yes, it would likely happen. The ST then asked me if I had ever thought about divorce. I said that yes, I had. In fact, I had studied the divorce laws for our state to learn what the typical time-line was from start to completion. I also said that I had promised myself that I would be in a loving sexual relationship by a certain major life milestone birthday. That I wanted to be in a loving sexual relationship with my wife and would work to rebuild our marriage, but if that wasn't possible, I was ready to divorce her and move on. I was very serious, and was not going to stay in a sexless marriage.
At that point the ST said my position seemed reasonable, gave my wife time to make changes if she wanted to and that my wife needed to figure out what she wanted to do and accept the consequences of her actions or inactions. The ST told my wife that she could choose divorce or not. The ST then helped me define what I meant by a "loving sexual relationship" in front of my wife over several sessions. Then after my wife said she didn't want divorce, the ST negotiated changes to that definition so that my wife could accept and commit to it.
The ST was incredible. She had a national reputation, had had a radio talk show, written a number of scholarly articles, and made many public presentations and interviews.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> ........ The OP is having troubles, and the wife basically tells him she is only interested in the one intimacy he isn't capable of achieving.
> 
> [email protected] has to jump through hoops and hire an MC ( which isn't cheap ) to convince his wife she is headed for divorce if she doesn't straighten up.
> 
> There are plenty of people who live alone for years, their spouse having died. We often don't appreciate people until they are no longer with us.


Three thoughts. First, for most men there are an extreme range of ED treatments. They can include: exercise and regaining health, changes in medications, penis rings, pills, injections, pumps, implants, sonic shock treatments to promote blood flow. For some there is no alternative, but for most there are options. If there are no ED options, there are non-PIV methods of intimacy.

Second, even thought the ST was expensive, she was much less expensive than what two divorce attorney's would have cost.

There is an interesting book, I read called Still Sexy after all these years. It is based on interviews with around 60 women and how they have retained either sexuality or sensuality in their lives after having husbands with medical problems, death of a husband, or divorce. It was quite eye opening. While people sometimes don't appreciate what they have until it is gone, that doesn't mean they can't grow and change to fill voids in their life and happiness.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Three thoughts. First, for most men there are an extreme range of ED treatments. They can include: exercise and regaining health, changes in medications, penis rings, pills, injections, pumps, implants, sonic shock treatments to promote blood flow. For some there is no alternative, but for most there are options. If there are no ED options, there are non-PIV methods of intimacy.
> 
> Second, even thought the ST was expensive, she was much less expensive than what two divorce attorney's would have cost.
> 
> There is an interesting book, I read called Still Sexy after all these years. It is based on interviews with around 60 women and how they have retained either sexuality or sensuality in their lives after having husbands with medical problems, death of a husband, or divorce. It was quite eye opening. While people sometimes don't appreciate what they have until it is gone, that doesn't mean they can't grow and change to fill voids in their life and happiness.


Every time read stories like this, it reiterates how blessed I am to be married to my wife. If she had ever wanted to distance herself from me, she would have received her wish.

Glad it worked out for you, it wouldn't have worked for me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> About 12 years ago, when I was 60 years old, my wife told me she never wanted to have sex with me again.


You are lucky! I was 55 when the "no more sex" bomb was dropped....  I'm curious about your sex life now. You say it's once a week. But do you feel your wife is really into it? Or is there a "tinge"of duty sex? Just wondering. Before the sex stopped, our compromise was twice a month  and it was definitely duty sex, but it was good sex...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> You are lucky! I was 55 when the "no more sex" bomb was dropped....  I'm curious about your sex life now. You say it's once a week. But do you feel your wife is really into it? Or is there a "tinge"of duty sex? Just wondering. Before the sex stopped, our compromise was twice a month  and it was definitely duty sex, but it was good sex...


Actually the "loving sexual relationship" that I worked out with the Sex Therapist was three times a week. My wife agreed to that, but after a month, begged the sex therapist to renegotiate it to twice a week. So it has been twice a week, most weeks. My wife enjoys a good orgasm, once she is aroused, and I try to make that happen most times we make love.

I wouldn't call it "duty sex," but it is also not uninhibited swinging from the chandelier sex.

For me it is much more than my orgasms, it is the feeling of emotional bonding, that I want.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

I have had ED for several years. Back then there was no sex, no touching, no anything in our marriage. About the most sexual thing we did was a luke warm kiss now and then. My wife used to be very sexual and had a lot of partners (she claims from age 14 when she started having sex, until I met her at 50 she had almost 200 sexual encounters with men. That doesn't include the women she had been with. She says she had threesomes, foursomes and even more and went to a lot of orgies and group sex and used to pick up guys in bars and any place she could find a guy who would have sex with her.

When we got together things were very good and we had lots of sex, she loves anal. Anyway over the years we got married and I started having problems with getting and keeping an erection and eventually our sex life totally died out. It was like that for about 5 years and then I had my T level tested and found out that I had a T level of 33. My Estrogen level was higher and I was basically turning into a woman. 

I was put on T injections and my T Level went to 1000 and I was put on an Estrogen blocker. Now I suddenly want sex but cannot have it. I found out I had a cyst on my spinal cord that was causing numbness in my groin area. I had same day surgery that dissolved the cyst and now I can get a partial erection, still not hard enough to have sex though. But I can have an orgasm. I do not produce much sperm though. I have tried the pills and a pump and neither work, I cannot get the damn pump to work and make me hard.

My wife occasionally gets interested when she thinks I might be able to get an erection but then shuts down when she finds out that I am still not able to have sex. I have tried to talk her into having an affair with a guy who can have sex with her but so far she has refused. I hate making her suffer because of my problem. I know she wants sex but there is nothing I can do.

She always said she loved the feel of a penis inside her which is why she had so many lovers. So that is why I keep trying to get her to find an outside lover. Any suggestions on how to get her to find someone?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I have had ED for several years. Back then there was no sex, no touching, no anything in our marriage. About the most sexual thing we did was a luke warm kiss now and then. My wife used to be very sexual and had a lot of partners (she claims from age 14 when she started having sex, until I met her at 50 she had almost 200 sexual encounters with men. That doesn't include the women she had been with. She says she had threesomes, foursomes and even more and went to a lot of orgies and group sex and used to pick up guys in bars and any place she could find a guy who would have sex with her.
> 
> When we got together things were very good and we had lots of sex, she loves anal. Anyway over the years we got married and I started having problems with getting and keeping an erection and eventually our sex life totally died out. It was like that for about 5 years and then I had my T level tested and found out that I had a T level of 33. My Estrogen level was higher and I was basically turning into a woman.
> 
> ...


Sounds to me like she has no problems finding dudes on her own. 

Not sure why she would need your assistance with that.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She doesn't _want_ to find someone else. Maybe she's at an age where her libido has declined enough so that it isn't much of an issue for her now, or she doesn't feel that it would be right to do so even with permission. I'd stop pushing her to do something she may not want to do. At most, give her permission to pursue someone if she wants to, but then *let it go*; she can handle the rest if she decides to. _Do_ specify if you want to know about it or not, if she does.

Don't skimp on affection and meaningful time together; that's also intimacy.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Sounds to me like she has no problems finding dudes on her own.
> 
> Not sure why she would need your assistance with that.


The problem is she says she doesn't want to cheat. She was single when she had all the lovers. No she could find someone with no problems. I just worry that she is going without because of me.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> She doesn't _want_ to find someone else. Maybe she's at an age where her libido has declined enough so that it isn't much of an issue for her now, or she doesn't feel that it would be right to do so even with permission. I'd stop pushing her to do something she may not want to do. At most, give her permission to pursue someone if she wants to, but then *let it go*; she can handle the rest if she decides to. _Do_ specify if you want to know about it or not, if she does.


I just want her to be happy and have a sex life that I cannot give her. I know what it is like to live with not having sex and wanting it. I do not want her to go through that because of me.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds like a good way to lose her as your wife. Keep working on the ED.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I just want her to be happy and have a sex life that I cannot give her. I know what it is like to live with not having sex and wanting it. I do not want her to go through that because of me.


You've given her permission. You can't make her have sex with someone else if she doesn't want to, and it would be stupid and wrong to try. STOP.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Sorry @Gomezaddams51 about your situation. I have the same issue I have to get shots of testosterone every two weeks as well. I also have to take the little pill as well, my issues are not quite as bad as yours. Do you guys every go out to clubs or bars to dance? I know may be more difficult currently with Covid issues but as they get better maybe that would be a possibility. If she got back out in the atmosphere she used to enjoy with your blessing that may get her to try it. Also, possibly a cruise when things get a little better. Best of luck!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

What pills did you try? How many mg were you taking (25, 50, 100)?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I just worry that she is going without because of me.


You’re too penis-centric in your thinking. 

At last count there were 4,372,901 other pleasurable and even orgasmic techniques and activities that do not require an erect penis. 

If you’re that concerned about her pleasure, then start exploring and experimenting with ways to please her without pumping her out to other men if she doesn’t want to get with other dudes.

IMHO you’re simply shirking and pawning off YOUR responsibilities. 

If she wants to get with other men, she has certainly shown that she has the ways and means to get them just fine on her own.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> You’re too penis-centric in your thinking.
> 
> At last count there were 4,372,901 other pleasurable and even orgasmic techniques and activities that do not require an erect penis.
> 
> If you’re that concerned about her pleasure, then start exploring and experimenting with ways to please her without pumping her out to other men if she doesn’t want to get with other dudes.


Well I am at a loss as to what to do. I show her attention, I kiss her romantically, and I try and touch her as much as I can. I compliment her and buy her sexy clothes. Not sure what else I can do and those 4,372,901 techniques and activities are kind of like.... Huh? Is there a list or something?

She is hard to work with. She claims her breasts do nothing for her when I play with them. So they are not a turn on. And according to her, she has NEVER had a guy give her an orgasm. That includes the almost 200 guys she has slept with (and the women). She says none of them ever got her to have an orgasm and the only way for her to orgasm is if she masturbates herself. I have never had a problem making women I have been with have at least one orgasm, and most have had multiple orgasms and a couple even squirted (one gushed not just squirted). But in the years we have been together I have never been able to get her to orgasm. So back when we were having sex, I used to have sex with her and then I would lay between her legs and use a glass dildo she loves on her, shoving it in and out while she rubbed her clit. She occasionally used a small vibrator and I recently bought her a "ball" head vibrator that she has never used. I ask her if she masturbates and she says no. So....

I tired to do a web search on how to have sex with ED and keep getting nothing but ED remedies and nothing about how to please a woman or alternatives to penetration.

She has never liked doing oral sex with me because she says she didn't like it because my sperm tasted "bad" so she doesn't want to do oral any more. 

I found an article on ED and sex and it basically comes down to this:
Quote from a wife: "...'They say it doesn't matter, being together is enough.' But it isn't...I know it...and so does he."

"Any woman who has tried to have sex with an impotent man can identify. It isn't just men who experience frustration and disappointment. Women do too."


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

OnTheRocks said:


> Sounds like a good way to lose her as your wife. Keep working on the ED.


Well I have done everything I can think of.. I have gone to Doctors and they gave me pills and the penis pump. I have been trying to lose weight and get in shape. I had the cyst removed and am thinking of going for major back surgery in hopes that will help...hopefully I won't end up worse or paralyzed. There is only so much you can do to "work" on it. I have heard about some kind of acoustic audio therapy where they use radio waves to increase the blood flow in the penis but unfortunately I am not rich so cannot afford that. It sucks when nothing works.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> It sucks when nothing works


I remember reading about direct injections called Trimix. Have you tried that?

Erectile Dysfunction: TRIMIX Injections


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dude seriously..... the alternative answer is easy. By a strap on and put it to her like you mean it and you are consumed with your lust for her. You are doing EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what you should be. A fake dong isn’t perfect but you have to work with what you can. Slutting out your wife is the wrong answer by far.

The whole penis focus thing is a bad idea anyways.... their are endless options available to have fun with your wife, show her you love her, and send her to O-Town.
Your going to ruin everything if you keep going down this road


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> The problem is she says she doesn't want to cheat. She was single when she had all the lovers. No she could find someone with no problems. I just worry that she is going without because of me.


That's what marriage is surely about. Being faithful in the good and bad times. It's not about running off to have sex just because your partner can't. 
Even without an erection there are things you can do together sexually, it doesn't all have to stop.
I would be really offended and hurt if my husband suggested I go off and sleep around with other men, just stop doing that.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

OK So I guess the general consensus is to just not worry about it and let things go as they are. I did finally find a couple of websites about having sex with ED and emailed them to her so I guess it is up to her. I just feel sorry for her because I know what it is like to not have sex when you want it. Mine is forced by my medical condition. Hers is forced because I cannot take care of my husband duties. I am basically worthless to her as a husband and we are just room mates living together. 

She took a shower a couple of days ago and I saw her naked, and man I wanted to have sex with her so bad. I very rarely ever see her naked anymore so it turned me on. Unfortunately it was only in my mind and not my body.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I just worry that she is going without because of me.


@Gomezaddams51 You should be more worried about YOU going without because of you.



Gomezaddams51 said:


> OK So I guess the general consensus is to just not worry about it and let things go as they are.


Nope. Don't listen to the consensus.

You should be 1,000% focused on your penis.

What's the problem with your pumping? Can you post a link or photo of the pump?

There are good pumps & crap pumps. You want a good one.

If you've got "hair down there", shave it! Pump ain't gonna seal with a bunch of scrub brush in the way.

How are you sealing it? You are using some lube, right? If your pump is waterproof, try it in the shower, water will provide a seal, so I'm told.

You can buy an ultrasound therapy device pretty cheaply: Here's one.

I have a basic model that came with my TENS unit. I've never used it, but I asked my doctor about it & he said using one on your crank will increase blood flow through angiogenesis. The device you've probably heard about is the Phoenix Shockwave. They're expensive. Whatever you buy, compare the specs to the Phoenix Shockwave, the frequencies should match or be very close. I believe they provide a pump with their product, so I would guess it's best to have both.

Once you get the pumping figured out, and you've increased your blood flow, if you can get an erection but can't keep it, buy a **** ring or **** ties off Amazon.

Oh, and you ARE doing your Kegels, right? Do them every day, lots of reps, fast & slow. There are smart phone apps that will give you a workout.

Oh, and pumping will add girth to little Gomez so when you get in action, Cara Mia may be in for a nice surprise!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

I'll ask again, what pills are you taking and what mg???


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I've read your other threads and it looks like you are 70 and your wife is 65, and you two married in your mid / late 50s. 

From everything I've read, you are way too focused on her orgasm. Can you just enjoy her without having to make it sexual or about giving her an orgasm? Maybe by taking out the orgasm, and making it about intimacy, your wife will stop focusing on the need for a hard penis and you two can find ways to connect intimately without sex. 

Sensate Focus is something many sexual therapists recommend to couples struggling with ED. It's connecting with your partner without sex or orgasms.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lila said:


> I've read your other threads and it looks like you are 70 and your wife is 65, and you two married in your mid / late 50s.
> 
> From everything I've read, you are way too focused on her orgasm. Can you just enjoy her without having to make it sexual or about giving her an orgasm? Maybe by taking out the orgasm, and making it about intimacy, your wife will stop focusing on the need for a hard penis and you two can find ways to connect intimately without sex.
> 
> Sensate Focus is something many sexual therapists recommend to couples struggling with ED. It's connecting with your partner without sex or orgasms.


One day I’m actually going to read a persons past threads so I can give a meaningful answer.... for once 😱


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> OK So I guess the general consensus is to just not worry about it and let things go as they are. I did finally find a couple of websites about having sex with ED and emailed them to her so I guess it is up to her. I just feel sorry for her because I know what it is like to not have sex when you want it. Mine is forced by my medical condition. Hers is forced because I cannot take care of my husband duties. I am basically worthless to her as a husband and we are just room mates living together.
> 
> She took a shower a couple of days ago and I saw her naked, and man I wanted to have sex with her so bad. I very rarely ever see her naked anymore so it turned me on. Unfortunately it was only in my mind and not my body.


You are not worthless to her. You need to get that idea out of your head. Your wife obviously places more value on you than just being a sex toy. You gave her permission to have an affair and she has no interest. BTW, don't ever do that again, it is a big mistake, even if it was coming from a place of love in you.

I place a lot of value on sex with my wife, but it is not the only thing in a marriage. I fully expect that there will be a day when one or both of us will no longer be able to have sex due to age. It is going to happen to every one of us. You are just there now.

There are so many ways to be intimate without PIV sex. My wife and I engage in various levels of intimacy every single day without fail and it doesn't have to lead to sex. It might, but it isn't the goal of the intimacy. Some ideas from my own experience...

Sleep together in the nude, you can cuddle naked in bed as you fall asleep and and you can touch and caress each others bodies when you wake up
Take showers together
Rub lotion over her entire body after the shower, while nude
Naked massages
7 second hugs, yes hold for 7 seconds and feel each other's warmth
Passionate kisses, both slow and lustful

Then there is non-PIV sex; oral, manual, toys, etc. Lots of options. You mentioned that she can only orgasm from masturbation. Trying holding her in bed while she brings herself to orgasm. It doesn't get much more intimate than that.

Bottom line, your wife loves you, values you, and is loyal to you. Never forget it or take it for granted. There are many ways to fill your emotional and intimacy needs without a fully functioning penis.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Don't forget dildos, strap-ons, vibrators, etc. for penetrative sex. Whether she's okay with trying those things is the question you'll need to ask her, and respect what she says.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

And cucumbers, bottles, whisks...


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

sideways said:


> I'll ask again, what pills are you taking and what mg???


I have Viagra and Cialis I got them through the VA who only provide so many a month. Unfortunately since they didn't work I ended up with several bottles of them. Some are 25mg and others are 100mg.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Lila said:


> I've read your other threads and it looks like you are 70 and your wife is 65, and you two married in your mid / late 50s.
> 
> From everything I've read, you are way too focused on her orgasm. Can you just enjoy her without having to make it sexual or about giving her an orgasm? Maybe by taking out the orgasm, and making it about intimacy, your wife will stop focusing on the need for a hard penis and you two can find ways to connect intimately without sex.
> 
> Sensate Focus is something many sexual therapists recommend to couples struggling with ED. It's connecting with your partner without sex or orgasms.


Back when I was not on T shots I really didn't care one way or another about sex or her. We were roommates who happened to sleep in the same bed and were tied to each other by a piece of paper. I occasionally kissed her but that was the extent of our "contact". I never touched her and spent most of my time ignoring her and she ignored me. We might as well have not been married.

The whole thing started with the T shots and now I am horny and I could go back to not doing the shots but I like having the extra energy with the T shots; plus I have been masturbating which I wasn't when my T level was 33. I am also losing my "woman" weight (since my estrogen was higher than my T level I was basically a woman and got a woman's figure including breasts). I guess it is a double edged sword, either I do the shots and get horny and want sex and want her to enjoy sex and I want to masturbate or I stop the shots and lose interest in all sex and her. When I went on the shots it freaked her out because I actually started touching her and holding her and kissing her sexually. She was so used to not being touched that she asked me what the hell is going on. Now I grab her butt, and play with her tits even though she says they do nothing for her and even rub her ***** through her panties. She is not sure how to handle the attention. 

I think part of it is also that I cannot get her to orgasm. Or couldn't back when we were having sex. I have never had a problem doing oral and having a woman have at least one if not more orgasms. With her it was frustrating because no matter what I did or tried she just would not orgasm unless she did it herself. Someone asked if she had been molested and she says the closest she ever came was once when her dad got drunk and kissed her in a sexual manner. She ran away and hid. Other than that she says none of the men or boys she had sex with ever gave her an orgasm no matter what they did. She did say she came close once with a black guy who had a monster erection but even he didn't get her to go all the way. 

One of the websites I go to is a place where people post questions and people answer them. Did a search for what wives think of husbands with ED and how they handle it. A few women answered that they would stand by their husband no matter what; quite a few more said they would seek an outside lover and stay married, and a few said they would divorce their husband. Some of the men encouraged their wives to find love elsewhere, quite a few turned to Cuckolding since the wife no longer needed them for sex and only used them as little more than slaves who cleaned up after the lovers (but no sex) and a couple said their wives divorced them, and a couple said they found other ways to satisfy their wives. So I guess there is no "correct" answer.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are not worthless to her. You need to get that idea out of your head. Your wife obviously places more value on you than just being a sex toy. You gave her permission to have an affair and she has no interest. BTW, don't ever do that again, it is a big mistake, even if it was coming from a place of love in you.
> 
> I place a lot of value on sex with my wife, but it is not the only thing in a marriage. I fully expect that there will be a day when one or both of us will no longer be able to have sex due to age. It is going to happen to every one of us. You are just there now.
> 
> ...


Since we went for so many years without sex or touching or anything, it is hard for her to get back to being interested. She said it has been so long she forgot how to have sex, another thing she says is she is now to old for all that "nonsense" which I think is BS. I think she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings since I cannot perform. When I told her that the cyst removal helped to get bigger but not hard, she got interested until she found out that I wasn't hard enough to do penetration. Then she went back to the Meh attitude. 

Even when I was not interested in sex I slept in the nude since I have always done that. She hates not wearing a night gown because she says she hates her body and looking at it. She always wears panties and a night gown. Plus she wears a pad because she tends to leak if she sneezes or coughs. So she won't wear sexy panties or thongs because she cannot wear a pad with them. Not exactly the sexiest thing to deal with. 

I have been trying to kiss her more and make it sexual. Before the T we never did more than a peck on the lips or cheek. I am working on it...

Lately since I have been showing her attention again, she has worn some "booty" shorts I bought her but she refuses to wear them out of the house and always is covered from neck to ankles when she goes out. She doesn't wear a bra but then she never has. 

I have tried to talk her into letting me give her a massage but so far she has not agreed. She says she doesn't like the way the massage oils or lotions make her skin feel. So I suggested I try it without lotions and she came up with "I'll think about it". Our showers are to small for two people. The one I use is in the mater bedroom and it is bigger but still not that big. She uses the other bathroom which just has a small tub so definitely not big enough.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

If you can masturbate, you _should_ be able to pump.

If your tool has SHRUNkabit because of your low T, pumping should bring it back to life.

Try pumping every other day, every day if you want, you should see an improvement in size.

Don't forget the **** tie to keep that Ball Park Frank plump.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Plus she wears a pad because she tends to leak if she sneezes or coughs.


_coff*KEGELS!*coff_

They're not just for men.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Back when I was not on T shots I really didn't care one way or another about sex or her. We were roommates who happened to sleep in the same bed and were tied to each other by a piece of paper. I occasionally kissed her but that was the extent of our "contact". I never touched her and spent most of my time ignoring her and she ignored me. We might as well have not been married.
> 
> The whole thing started with the T shots and now I am horny and I could go back to not doing the shots but I like having the extra energy with the T shots; plus I have been masturbating which I wasn't when my T level was 33. I am also losing my "woman" weight (since my estrogen was higher than my T level I was basically a woman and got a woman's figure including breasts). I guess it is a double edged sword, either I do the shots and get horny and want sex and want her to enjoy sex and I want to masturbate or I stop the shots and lose interest in all sex and her. When I went on the shots it freaked her out because I actually started touching her and holding her and kissing her sexually. She was so used to not being touched that she asked me what the hell is going on. Now I grab her butt, and play with her tits even though she says they do nothing for her and even rub her *** through her panties. She is not sure how to handle the attention.
> 
> ...


So it sounds like she's not interested in having sex or an orgasm at all. It also sounds like your relationship was working fine with everyone until you started taking testosterone.

To be completely honest, you need to speak with your doctor about the amount of TRT you are getting. 1,000 Ng/dl is really high testosterone levels for a 70 year old man. I'm not suggesting you give up on it but maybe ask the doctor to lower your doses to somewhere in the 500 range. Are you working out?


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Noman said:


> @Gomezaddams51 You should be more worried about YOU going without because of you.
> 
> 
> Nope. Don't listen to the consensus.
> ...


This is the pump I have. It was a medical Rx I got from my doctor and got it from a medical supply store.
Buy Encore Deluxe Vacuum Erection Device for Just $125

It is the Encore Revive with both manual and battery operated pump. It doesn't seem like the dang thing puts out that much vacuum but does seem to like to suck my balls up into it no matter how hard I push on it to get a seal. I asked my wife to hold my balls so they do not get sucked up but so far she has not been interested. The thing comes with an assortment of rings that you can put around the base of the ****.

I may try the sound thing. Lots cheaper than the expensive one... I hope it works like as good as the expensive one. According to the reviews it is supposed to be good.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Lila said:


> So it sounds like she's not interested in having sex or an orgasm at all. It also sounds like your relationship was working fine with everyone until you started taking testosterone.
> 
> To be completely honest, you need to speak with your doctor about the amount of TRT you are getting. 1,000 Ng/dl is really high testosterone levels for a 70 year old man. I'm not suggesting you give up on it but maybe ask the doctor to lower your doses to somewhere in the 500 range. Are you working out?


I am thinking of cutting back to half the dose of T. That way the Rx will last longer. I have been walking now that the weather is not as hot. Hard to go out walking when the temp is in the triple digits. I have been watching what i eat and have lost 50 pounds since I got on the T... Still got some more to go. Having high estrogen and low T kind of put the weight on me in places a guy should not have it.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I have Viagra and Cialis I got them through the VA who only provide so many a month. Unfortunately since they didn't work I ended up with several bottles of them. Some are 25mg and others are 100mg.


So you've specifically taken a 100mg viagra and nothing happened? Is this correct? Or was the 100mg a cialis?


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

sideways said:


> So you've specifically taken a 100mg viagra and nothing happened? Is this correct? Or was the 100mg a cialis?


Yes both are 100's. I know I mixed both into one bottle so they were 100mg. I put the 25's in their own bottle. I went by strength...And I didn't notice anything working. I did noticed if I took it at night in the morning I had more of an erection than normal. Still not hard enough to have sex though and if I moved it went away fast.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Yes both are 100's. I know I mixed both into one bottle so they were 100mg. I put the 25's in their own bottle. I went by strength...And I didn't notice anything working. I did noticed if I took it at night in the morning I had more of an erection than normal. Still not hard enough to have sex though and if I moved it went away fast.


Have you considered a penile implant? I'm not sure what conditions are needed to make you a good candidate for it, but that seems to be an ultimate solution. Of course you better be sure your wife does want to have sex if it were possible before you head down the path. 

I think you really need to work on getting more non-sexual intimacy in your relationship. I don't know if that will get you past our urges/feelings, but it would be good for your relationship and may make you feel better.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Yes both are 100's. I know I mixed both into one bottle so they were 100mg. I put the 25's in their own bottle. I went by strength...And I didn't notice anything working. I did noticed if I took it at night in the morning I had more of an erection than normal. Still not hard enough to have sex though and if I moved it went away fast.


Wait a minute. Cialis max dosage is 20 mg. 2.5, 5, 10, 20 mg Viagra is 25, 50, 100, 200. These drugs shouldn't be taken together. I use 5mg Cialas every 24 hours as a "daily" dose. Viagra if I use that instead, have to wait for 72 hours and then take 25 mg and it will last 4-6 hours. One per day no more. You go mixing this stuff and paying no attention to what you are doing you can cause yourself some real harm. Once I started injecting T every two weeks I don't need either Cialis or Viagra. I am older than you are. My wife is older than me, and she is very interested.

Your urologist needs to be working with you to first diagnose what your problem actually is. Is it nerve damage, blood flow, pituitary, or what? The sonic device is supposed to improve blood flow, but it that isn't the problem it isn't going to work. If he just throws you some meds and a damn pump with no training on how to use it, that solves nothing. Diagnose, then treat. If the pump you have doesn't work, tell him it wont work for you and get him to order a different one. 

Work the problem. You can get this fixed.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Wait a minute. Cialis max dosage is 20 mg. 2.5, 5, 10, 20 mg Viagra is 25, 50, 100, 200. These drugs shouldn't be taken together. I use 5mg Cialas every 24 hours as a "daily" dose. Viagra if I use that instead, have to wait for 72 hours and then take 25 mg and it will last 4-6 hours. One per day no more. You go mixing this stuff and paying no attention to what you are doing you can cause yourself some real harm. Once I started injecting T every two weeks I don't need either Cialis or Viagra. I am older than you are. My wife is older than me, and she is very interested.
> 
> Your urologist needs to be working with you to first diagnose what your problem actually is. Is it nerve damage, blood flow, pituitary, or what? The sonic device is supposed to improve blood flow, but it that isn't the problem it isn't going to work. If he just throws you some meds and a damn pump with no training on how to use it, that solves nothing. Diagnose, then treat. If the pump you have doesn't work, tell him it wont work for you and get him to order a different one.
> 
> Work the problem. You can get this fixed.


I had a cyst on my spinal column and had it disolved. Now getting ready for major surgery for Spinal Stenosis and pinched nerves and bulged discs in lower back. Hmm So the 25 mg are cialis then.. I just separated them by strength. So the others are viagra or a version there of. I only take them one at a time and not every day.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I had a cyst on my spinal column and had it disolved. Now getting ready for major surgery for Spinal Stenosis and pinched nerves and bulged discs in lower back. Hmm So the 20mg are cialis then.. I just separated them by strength. So the others are viagra or a version there of. I only take them one at a time and not every day.


20mg cialis is max dose, 200 mg viagra max. About equal effect but Cialis lasts 36 hours, viagra about 6. Dont mix up the two!!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I have had ED for several years. Back then there was no sex, no touching, no anything in our marriage. About the most sexual thing we did was a luke warm kiss now and then. My wife used to be very sexual and had a lot of partners (she claims from age 14 when she started having sex, until I met her at 50 she had almost 200 sexual encounters with men. That doesn't include the women she had been with. She says she had threesomes, foursomes and even more and went to a lot of orgies and group sex and used to pick up guys in bars and any place she could find a guy who would have sex with her.
> 
> When we got together things were very good and we had lots of sex, she loves anal. Anyway over the years we got married and I started having problems with getting and keeping an erection and eventually our sex life totally died out. It was like that for about 5 years and then I had my T level tested and found out that I had a T level of 33. My Estrogen level was higher and I was basically turning into a woman.
> 
> ...


How about instead of encouraging her to have an affair, if it's not too awkward for you, why don't you just do what you can and then fill in with a vibrator of her choice. I think what women miss the most about sex is really just the affection and closeness. So even though she can certainly give herself as many orgasms as she can have by herself, that doesn't give her the affection and closeness and touch.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> *Back when I was not on T shots I really didn't care one way or another about sex or her. * *We were roommates who happened to sleep in the same bed and were tied to each other by a piece of paper. I occasionally kissed her but that was the extent of our "contact". I never touched her and spent most of my time ignoring her and she ignored me. We might as well have not been married.*


This is a little disturbing to think about (and would break MY heart in a relationship), but it sounds like she adjusted to it and was willing to be your roommate and still be polite and friendly with you. But NOW you want to change everything back again, and I think it's unrealistic for you to expect her to be enthusiastically on board with it.



Gomezaddams51 said:


> *Since we went for so many years without sex or touching or anything, it is hard for her to get back to being interested. She said it has been so long she forgot how to have sex, another thing she says is she is now to old for all that "nonsense"* which I think is BS. I think she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings since I cannot perform. When I told her that the cyst removal helped to get bigger but not hard, she got interested until she found out that I wasn't hard enough to do penetration. Then she went back to the Meh attitude.


I think this might play more of a role than you are realizing...if my STBX had come to me for sex after I had shut myself off to that possibility with him, I would have told him unequivocally NO...because I would not have TRUSTED him to care about me or my needs at all once the hormones stopped or went away again...which they will. 

She may have really made peace with the fact that sex for her is over, and isn't interested in rekindling that with you for a few more months or years, just for it to be more struggle than it's worth before it goes away again. HER hormones might also not be at 20yr old levels like yours are now, either.

There are ALL KINDS OF WAYS you could have stimulated inside her during your low-hormonal time, but neither of you pursued that, and it sounds like you guys allowed your emotional connection to completely shrivel up as well. There are consequences for that, and I believe that her being unimpressed with sex in general and sex with you at all is one of them.

She must like/love you as a friend and partner for other things besides sex, or else she would have left you years ago. Since that was satisfying and rewarding for you before, I would nurture and embrace that aspect of your relationship, if I were you, and concentrate on masturbating for the horniness.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I had a cyst on my spinal column and had it disolved. Now getting ready for major surgery for Spinal Stenosis and pinched nerves and bulged discs in lower back. Hmm So the 25 mg are cialis then.. I just separated them by strength. So the others are viagra or a version there of. I only take them one at a time and not every day.


Ok, so has your nerve "trunk" been damaged by the cyst and the ruptured discs? If you have nerves that connect to the penis that are damaged I believe your only option is a pump or a prosthesis. (I am not a doctor but did stay at a certain hotel ) I had nerve damage from prostate removal for cancer, but the damage resolved itself in about a year. In meantime no PDE5 inhibitors worked (or could work) for me. We made do with other than PIV, gotta do what you are able to do, and in a year things started working again. In our case is was not a huge issue, but every couple is different. If had lasted longer would have likely gone the pump route, a prosthesis is very expensive and once you have that operation, there is no going back. And every surgery has possibilities for complications worse than what is being treated. I was much younger then than now. I have never used a pump so know nothing about them, but some men swear by them.

If you are facing major back surgery, you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about getting it up. I would stop worrying about that until you heal up from the procedure. It sounds like your wife is sticking with you, stop stressing about the sex life. At a certain age, we have to begin choosing our battles.

,Again, the Cialis is 2.5, 5, 10, 20; Viagra is 25, 50, 100, 200.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How about instead of encouraging her to have an affair, if it's not too awkward for you, why don't you just do what you can and then fill in with a vibrator of her choice. I think what women miss the most about sex is really just the affection and closeness. So even though she can certainly give herself as many orgasms as she can have by herself, that doesn't give her the affection and closeness and touch.


I found an article on ED and sex and it basically comes down to this:
Quote from a wife: "...'They say it doesn't matter, being together is enough.' But it isn't...I know it...and so does he."

"Any woman who has tried to have sex with an impotent man can identify. It isn't just men who experience frustration and disappointment. Women do too."


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I found an article on ED and sex and it basically comes down to this:
> Quote from a wife: "...'They say it doesn't matter, being together is enough.' But it isn't...I know it...and so does he."
> 
> "Any woman who has tried to have sex with an impotent man can identify. It isn't just men who experience frustration and disappointment. Women do too."


That is not the way every woman feels.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I found an article on ED and sex and it basically comes down to this:
> Quote from a wife: "...'They say it doesn't matter, being together is enough.' But it isn't...I know it...and so does he."
> 
> "Any woman who has tried to have sex with an impotent man can identify. It isn't just men who experience frustration and disappointment. Women do too."


 I had a bf with ED and the worst part was he wouldn't tell me why he wasn't trying to have sex with me and just let me think I was imagining a relationship. He didn't tell me until 10 years after. By then he had gone through counseling (his was trauma-related). 

Look, I understand you want it to be perfect, but you just have to do the best. It's still best to show your wife love and affection like you would leading up to sex, and maybe you have this talk with her and just ask her if she thought it would be okay to basically make love but at least sometimes substitute the marital aid. She might rather avoid it, but she sounds like she might be just fine with it. I mean, she's with you for a reason. She wants your love. I know it's terribly frustrating for you, but maybe it would make you feel more loved too.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That is not the way every woman feels.


Unfortunately to many do...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Unfortunately to many do...


My frustration with mine was that he didn't tell me what was going on, and then he wouldn't try with me (fear of humiliation with someone he cared about) but would try with real drunk short blond girls, best I could tell, like ones he'd never see again. She sounds like someone you could easily talk to about sex, and just ask her how she'd feel about just doing as much as you can and making out and all that with the option to use a marital aid.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Unfortunately to many do...


But you are ignoring how YOUR wife feels -- she does NOT feel like that, otherwise, she would have been complaining and left when sex with you first went away.

She is happy with YOU and her life with you...sex just isn't a big deal to her now. I think you should accept and enjoy what you HAVE, and be happy too!


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> This is the pump I have. It was a medical Rx I got from my doctor and got it from a medical supply store.
> Buy Encore Deluxe Vacuum Erection Device for Just $125
> 
> It is the Encore Revive with both manual and battery operated pump. It doesn't seem like the dang thing puts out that much vacuum but does seem to like to suck my balls up into it no matter how hard I push on it to get a seal. I asked my wife to hold my balls so they do not get sucked up but so far she has not been interested. The thing comes with an assortment of rings that you can put around the base of the ****.
> ...


I use one of these: Tractal Devices. and it works great.

Just run a fingertip of whatever you're using as a sealant (coconut oil works well) around the rim, put it in place & squeeze the device. They're made out of TPU, the same stuff a lot of phone cases are made of. It's very tough, but pliable.

Each squeeze gives you a little more pressure, lifting the cap releases the pressure.

You do have to position carefully so the boys don't go along for the ride, but it doesn't happen often to me & lifting the cap allows you to start over.

Cleanup is a breeze, I think you could even put it in your dishwasher.

It doesn't just "spring into action." I go through multiple reps: a) Multiple squeezes until you get to the pressure you want (I go for a pulling sensation without too much discomfort); b) enjoy the view, add a squeeze or two if you have a leak; c) Lift the cap; d) Tell him he's a good boy by stroking him for a minute, repeat this process 3, 4, 5 times, whatever feels right. When you're done you should have a nice handful of "_Here's JOHNNY!"_ that you can finish off.

I try to do this 3 times a week for 'training'. When I first started, I saw good results fairly quickly, then for some reason I slacked off for a few months, but now I'm back to my regimen.

When you're ready for the missus, you use one of these, if necessary, to keep your Space Shuttle ready for liftoff.

If you do try one of the ultrasound devices, let us know how it works.

I read a review for the Phoenix Shockwave, I'm pretty sure, where the reviewer said it came with a penis pump & they told him to alternate days, I think. 3 days of Shockwave, 4 days of pumping, something like that. I haven't been able to find the review again, or I would post the link.

Good luck & don't give up!

If your wife looked interested before going 'Meh', I would think you have a good shot at getting her back in action!


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Wait a minute. Cialis max dosage is 20 mg. 2.5, 5, 10, 20 mg Viagra is 25, 50, 100, 200. These drugs shouldn't be taken together. I use 5mg Cialas every 24 hours as a "daily" dose. Viagra if I use that instead, have to wait for 72 hours and then take 25 mg and it will last 4-6 hours. One per day no more.


I looked on the bottle and all it says is Sildenafil Citrate and the pills are white ovals. I have some that are the Viagra blue but most are white and I even have some that are small orange ones. I get them from the VA so who knows what brand they are. Probably mostly generic from who knows what manufacturer.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> This is a little disturbing to think about (and would break MY heart in a relationship), but it sounds like she adjusted to it and was willing to be your roommate and still be polite and friendly with you. But NOW you want to change everything back again, and I think it's unrealistic for you to expect her to be enthusiastically on board with it.
> 
> 
> I think this might play more of a role than you are realizing...if my STBX had come to me for sex after I had shut myself off to that possibility with him, I would have told him unequivocally NO...because I would not have TRUSTED him to care about me or my needs at all once the hormones stopped or went away again...which they will.
> ...


I suppose that is true. She is legally blind and depends on me to drive her around and be her eyes so she is kind of stuck with me. She can see just enough to get around but other than that cannot see much at all. She was on disability when we met due to her blindness and I have basically been her support for all this time. I suppose she could leave but she really doesn't have anywhere to go or anyone to go to so she is stuck with me. I guess I have unrealistic expectations for her. So I will just continue to do what we have been doing and if she comes around then we will go from there.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Ok, so has your nerve "trunk" been damaged by the cyst and the ruptured discs? If you have nerves that connect to the penis that are damaged I believe your only option is a pump or a prosthesis. (I am not a doctor but did stay at a certain hotel ) I had nerve damage from prostate removal for cancer, but the damage resolved itself in about a year. In meantime no PDE5 inhibitors worked (or could work) for me. We made do with other than PIV, gotta do what you are able to do, and in a year things started working again. In our case is was not a huge issue, but every couple is different. If had lasted longer would have likely gone the pump route, a prosthesis is very expensive and once you have that operation, there is no going back. And every surgery has possibilities for complications worse than what is being treated. I was much younger then than now. I have never used a pump so know nothing about them, but some men swear by them.
> 
> If you are facing major back surgery, you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about getting it up. I would stop worrying about that until you heal up from the procedure. It sounds like your wife is sticking with you, stop stressing about the sex life. At a certain age, we have to begin choosing our battles.
> 
> ,Again, the Cialis is 2.5, 5, 10, 20; Viagra is 25, 50, 100, 200.


I also have Spinal Stenosis which is pinched nerves. The outside of my left leg is numb and most of my groin is numb also. I am going to see about surgery to see if things can get fixed. I also have minor Scoliosis. So who knows?


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

OK thanks for all the replies. Got lots to think about. I guess part of my frustration is living in a sexless marriage again. 

I went through that with my first marriage. I was 23 when I met my wife, she was 15 and we got married when she turned 16. She was super cute, super sexy and unfortunately we were both virgins when we got married so we had no clue about what a good sex life was or how to have one. This was back in the 1970's so there was no internet and no way to get information on how to have sex. We were both raised by religious nut cases who brainwashed us not to have sex until marriage. Man I wanted to and had several chances to have sex but my mothers voice in the back of my head really screwed me up as far as sex went and I stayed a virgin.

We knew nothing about oral sex or foreplay so our sex life entailed me spreading her legs and doing my thing and then rolling over and going to sleep. Most of the time she was dry so sex hurt her and she got so she hated sex. We did manage to have 4 kids so we did have sex a few times to get her pregnant and then things pretty much stopped. She also gained about a 100 pounds with each baby so on top of the 130 she weighed when we got married she ended up almost 500 pounds after the last baby. She revolted me when I looked at her and seeing her naked made me want to vomit. 

After 8 years of marriage and our last baby I stopped having sex with her because I could not stomach touching her. I never knew if I was having sex with her female parts or a roll of fat. My dad, ever the funny guy said to roll her in flour and have sex with the wet spot. I stayed with her for 10 more long sexless years and was very frustrated. Thank heavens for men's magazines and masturbation I survived. I finally couldn't take it any more and got a divorce after 18 years. I never cheated although man I wanted to.

Man it was great I had quite a bit of sex after the divorce. I finally met my present wife and though I had hit pay dirt and then I end up with ED. So my life pretty much sucks as far as sex goes. IF there is a god he is a sick SOB with a twisted sense of humor. So that explains a lot of my frustration.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> *Well I have done everything I can think of.*. I have gone to Doctors and they gave me pills and the penis pump. I have been trying to lose weight and get in shape. I had the cyst removed and am thinking of going for major back surgery in hopes that will help...hopefully I won't end up worse or paralyzed. There is only so much you can do to "work" on it. I have heard about some kind of acoustic audio therapy where they use radio waves to increase the blood flow in the penis but unfortunately I am not rich so cannot afford that. It sucks when nothing works.


i disagree. go see a Urologist, and get a prescription for "Trimix" injections.

you are a prime candidate, you can partially get an erection, that means most of the biological mechanisms work, you just need some help. the trimix will get you rock hard.


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## Sporelady (Sep 30, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I have had ED for several years. Back then there was no sex, no touching, no anything in our marriage. About the most sexual thing we did was a luke warm kiss now and then. My wife used to be very sexual and had a lot of partners (she claims from age 14 when she started having sex, until I met her at 50 she had almost 200 sexual encounters with men. That doesn't include the women she had been with. She says she had threesomes, foursomes and even more and went to a lot of orgies and group sex and used to pick up guys in bars and any place she could find a guy who would have sex with her.
> 
> When we got together things were very good and we had lots of sex, she loves anal. Anyway over the years we got married and I started having problems with getting and keeping an erection and eventually our sex life totally died out. It was like that for about 5 years and then I had my T level tested and found out that I had a T level of 33. My Estrogen level was higher and I was basically turning into a woman.
> 
> ...


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## Sporelady (Sep 30, 2021)

My husband also has ED. Unlike you, he refuses to take the blue pill or the white pill, so he has to pleasure me in some other ways.
When he ejaculates, his sperm is also watery. He takes Ramipril for his blood pressure, and I found out that one of the side effects of his medication is that it strips the body of zinc which is crucial for erection.
He has now started taking zinc tablets 20mg + copper which is a safe dose for men with ED. As far as I know and I am not an expert on this, zinc also behaves like an estrogen blocker, it stops testosterone being converted to estrogen.

On the subject of increasing blood flow to the penis, today my husband took a small glass of pomegranate juice, he took a nap a few hours later and surprise, surprise, he woke up with an erection. We use a brand name POM.

The next thing I am going to try on my husband, is I am going to make him a special fruit juice, a concoction of pomegranate, watermelon, beetroot with a squeeze of lemon, these are fruits that help with nitric oxide and hopefully get the blood flow and his plumbing system working again.

I am doing all this because, I am more worried about his health than the sex. He is much older than me around your age and I don’t think he will survive if he has a another heart attack. And for a man, his erection is the barometer of his health am I right?

Have you consider taking the blue pill or white pill without the estrogen blocker? You never know, it might be the medication that stops the pill from working.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Sporelady said:


> ....Have you consider taking the blue pill or white pill without the estrogen blocker? You never know, it might be the medication that stops the pill from working.


Yes I took the pills without the blocker and nothing happened then either. I have only been on the blocker for about 6 months. Before that I kept trying the pills


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sporelady said:


> My husband also has ED. Unlike you, he refuses to take the blue pill or the white pill, so he has to pleasure me in some other ways.
> When he ejaculates, his sperm is also watery. He takes Ramipril for his blood pressure, and I found out that one of the side effects of his medication is that it strips the body of zinc which is crucial for erection.
> He has now started taking zinc tablets 20mg + copper which is a safe dose for men with ED. As far as I know and I am not an expert on this, zinc also behaves like an estrogen blocker, it stops testosterone being converted to estrogen.
> 
> ...


Indeed, doctors have said that ED can be an early sign of heart trouble down the road. * IF* the issue is poor blood flow. 
Just telling someone to take Trimix or the white pill or the blue pill or zinc or whatever is just shooting at an invisible target in the dark. The results may make matters worse. My personal problem was low T. My GP had prescribed me cialis (which was originally developed to treat high BP) while I was taking another BP med he also prescribed.My blood pressure would drop so low after dinner, I would nearly pass out. My cardiologist told me one or the other not both. My third urologist told me low BP would result in ED.

I had two urologists want to sell me Trimix without even examining me or listening to what was going on. All of these drugs including Trimix have side effects. Trimix has to be dialed in with the dosage, and some men dont tolerate it well. If you use too much or too often, you can end up in the ER for them to depressure your penis before gangrene sets in. As do the medications for heart disease. If a man is taking nitrates for angina, and takes the blue or white pill, they can end up dead.

Bottom line, all of these things take time and a good DOCTOR to DIAGNOSE the actual problem, then design a treatment plan. Just getting a handful of pills from the VA or somewhere else and self medicating is not the right way to go.

The OP has nerve issues. So, that has to be considered in the treatment plan. And if he is going to have back surgery, working on ED caused by a nerve blockage is a waste of time until the surgery is recovered from.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> How did she feel when you guys first stopped having sex? What did you guys do to maintain sexual intimacy when it first became difficult for you to get an erection and have PIV?


We did nothing and basically became roommates with limited physical contact. About a year ago after almost 6 years of sexless and noncontact marriage I had my T level checked and found out it was 33. My estrogen level was higher than my T level and I was basically a woman. I went on T shots and estrogen blocker and now I am very horny. I have been touching my wife and kissing her and showing her attention and it kind of freaks her out.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Did you read the OPs age?
> And the OPs medical conditions?
> 
> I would suggest the OP gives up on sex and gets a hobby.
> At some stage in life you're just too old for your sex organs to work.


Part of the problem is I do not want to be in another sexless marriage. I was 23 when I married my first wife. She was 16 and very sexy and cute and weighed about 130 pounds. Over the next 8 years we had 4 kids and she also gained about 100 pounds with each baby and kept it. So by 8 years of marriage she weighed almost 500 pounds. I got so I couldn't stand to look at her and seeing her naked made me want to vomit. I stopped even attempting to have sex with her. With all that fat trying to find her woman parts was hard to do and I never knew if I was having sex with a roll of fat or her woman part. My dad told me "Roll her in flour and have sex with the wet spot." Funny but no. 
So for the next 10 years while the kids grew up I stuck to mens magazines and masturbation. Finally I divorced her at 18 years of marriage. I wish now that I had divorced her a lot earlier. 

After the marriage I had sex with a number of women and it was awesome. So I had sex for a few good years and loved it.

When I married my second wife after learning of her promiscuous past I thought I had hit pay dirt and was going to have lots of sex and then I get ED and once again no sex. I am back to masturbation and watching porn. IF there is a god he is a warped twisted SOB to do this to me.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> We did nothing and basically became roommates with limited physical contact. About a year ago after almost 6 years of sexless and noncontact marriage I had my T level checked and found out it was 33. My estrogen level was higher than my T level and I was basically a woman. I went on T shots and estrogen blocker and now I am very horny. I have been touching my wife and kissing her and showing her attention and it kind of freaks her out.


I don't remember if you've ever answered this question, but did you guys ever TALK about how sex went away, and how you both felt about it? Or did you just accept things the way they were? 
Because I'm not sure why she would be freaked out by your newfound interest in sex if she knew you wanted to fix your low-T. It sounds like you guys never TALK about sex and your expectations, am I reading that right? 

Also, most women want to be touched in a loving way even when their husband's can't have sex...but are you saying you weren't interested in touching her unless it was sexual...is that what happened? Are you guys ever affectionate just because you enjoy BEING together?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Part of the problem is I do not want to be in another sexless marriage. I was 23 when I married my first wife. She was 16 and very sexy and cute and weighed about 130 pounds. Over the next 8 years we had 4 kids and she also gained about 100 pounds with each baby and kept it. So by 8 years of marriage she weighed almost 500 pounds. I got so I couldn't stand to look at her and seeing her naked made me want to vomit. I stopped even attempting to have sex with her. With all that fat trying to find her woman parts was hard to do and I never knew if I was having sex with a roll of fat or her woman part. My dad told me "Roll her in flour and have sex with the wet spot." Funny but no.
> So for the next 10 years while the kids grew up I stuck to mens magazines and masturbation. Finally I divorced her at 18 years of marriage. I wish now that I had divorced her a lot earlier.
> 
> After the marriage I had sex with a number of women and it was awesome. So I had sex for a few good years and loved it.
> ...


If she still weighs almost 500lbs there's a majority of the problems. Lack of nooky and complete knowledge there will never be normal sex again in this situation would put any guy off his rocker.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If she still weighs almost 500lbs there's a majority of the problems. Lack of nooky and complete knowledge there will never be normal sex again in this situation would put any guy off his rocker.


No that was my first wife that I divorced back in 1992. My present wife is a bit heavy 180 and 65 years old, but not fat and is still sexy. My problem with the second wife is my ED. It seems like when it comes to sex, I just cannot win.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hang in there. You'll find the answer.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't remember if you've ever answered this question, but did you guys ever TALK about how sex went away, and how you both felt about it? Or did you just accept things the way they were?
> Because I'm not sure why she would be freaked out by your newfound interest in sex if she knew you wanted to fix your low-T. It sounds like you guys never TALK about sex and your expectations, am I reading that right?
> 
> Also, most women want to be touched in a loving way even when their husband's can't have sex...but are you saying you weren't interested in touching her unless it was sexual...is that what happened? Are you guys ever affectionate just because you enjoy BEING together?


When I stopped being able to have real sex (penetration and she loves anal) we basically just became roommates since she wasn't interested in all the pretend sex. She got used to us not touching or being physical. At the most we kissed a half hearted kiss and occasionally touched or held hands. So now that I am interested in sex again it is kind of throwing her off the way things were since I am more physical with her. 

I did try to talk to her about trying oral or some of the other non-penetration things but she wasn't really interested. I think part of it is because oral and the other sexual things never led to an orgasm for her. The only way she can orgasm is if she masturbates herself so she really doesn't need me to do anything. She says her breasts do nothing for her so playing with them is out. Oral other than feeling nice ( her words not mine) is useless. So the only thing I could do for her was penetration sex and when I became unable to do that, she really didn't have any need for me. 

Back when we were having our long distance relationship we did a lot of video chats and masturbation with each other. Most of our physical contact had to do with sex before or after.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Here is something that I haven't posted. I did try to talk to my wife about trying oral or some of the other non-penetration things but she wasn't really interested. I think part of it is because oral and the other sexual things never led to an orgasm for her. The only way she can orgasm is if she masturbates herself so she really doesn't need me to do anything. She says her breasts do nothing for her so playing with them is out. Oral other than feeling nice ( her words not mine) is useless. So the only thing I could do for her was penetration sex and when I became unable to do that, she really didn't have any need for me. That is why I was thinking of her getting an outside lover since she could have actual penetration sex which I cannot give her. She says a dildo feels good but just is not the same as actual flesh inside her. That is why she always "perks up" when she thinks I might be able to have an erection and then is disappointed when it doesn't work.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> But you are ignoring how YOUR wife feels -- she does NOT feel like that, otherwise, she would have been complaining and left when sex with you first went away.
> 
> She is happy with YOU and her life with you...sex just isn't a big deal to her now. I think you should accept and enjoy what you HAVE, and be happy too!


 I think part of it is because oral and the other sexual things never led to an orgasm for her. The only way she can orgasm is if she masturbates herself so she really doesn't need me to do anything. She says her breasts do nothing for her so playing with them is out. Oral other than feeling nice ( her words not mine) is useless. So the only thing I could do for her was penetration sex and when I became unable to do that, she really didn't have any need for me. That is why I was thinking of her getting an outside lover since she could have actual penetration sex which I cannot give her. She says a dildo feels good but just is not the same as actual flesh inside her. That is why she always "perks up" when she thinks I might be able to have an erection and then is disappointed when it doesn't work.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I think part of it is because oral and the other sexual things never led to an orgasm for her. The only way she can orgasm is if she masturbates herself so she really doesn't need me to do anything. She says her breasts do nothing for her so playing with them is out. Oral other than feeling nice ( her words not mine) is useless. So the only thing I could do for her was penetration sex and when I became unable to do that, she really didn't have any need for me. That is why I was thinking of her getting an outside lover since she could have actual penetration sex which I cannot give her. She says a dildo feels good but just is not the same as actual flesh inside her. That is why she always "perks up" when she thinks I might be able to have an erection and then is disappointed when it doesn't work.


Does your wife regularly masturbate now? And please drop the idea of getting your wife a lover, just don't. Even suggesting it is disrespectful to her and to you.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Does your wife regularly masturbate now? And please drop the idea of getting your wife a lover, just don't. Even suggesting it is disrespectful to her and to you.


I know she used to, I caught her doing it a few times. Lately I haven't seen her do it, she doesn't do it when I can see her but she likes to take "naps" in the afternoon by herself so she may do it then. Well since the ED I have no respect left to lose... She used to have several penis dildos that she used but according to her she got rid of them because as she put it, "They just don't feel the same as real sex."

I also mentioned about counseling and she said she has no need of counseling. She told me "If you can ever get hard, you stick it in. that is all the counseling I need."


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I dunno guys…this may be one of the rare exceptions where a third lover might connect the dots. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> Actually the "loving sexual relationship" that I worked out with the Sex Therapist was three times a week. My wife agreed to that, but after a month, begged the sex therapist to renegotiate it to twice a week. So it has been twice a week, most weeks. My wife enjoys a good orgasm, once she is aroused, and I try to make that happen most times we make love.
> 
> I wouldn't call it "duty sex," but it is also not uninhibited swinging from the chandelier sex.
> 
> For me it is much more than my orgasms, it is the feeling of emotional bonding, that I want.


I asked my wife about counseling and she said "I don't need counseling. When you can get hard and stick it in, that is all the counseling I need."


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> But you are ignoring how YOUR wife feels -- she does NOT feel like that, otherwise, she would have been complaining and left when sex with you first went away.
> 
> She is happy with YOU and her life with you...sex just isn't a big deal to her now. I think you should accept and enjoy what you HAVE, and be happy too!


I mentioned counseling and my wife said, "I don't need counseling. I need you to get a hard on, that is all the counseling I need.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I asked my wife about counseling and she said "I don't need counseling. When you can get hard and stick it in, that is all the counseling I need."


May I suggest you give her a copy of sue Johnson's book hold me tight. It will explain for her (assuming she reads it) why touch and intimacy are so important. Any yes, before the Sex Therapist saved my marriage, my wife once told me, "If you can't get it up, you are not horny enough to have sex and should leave me alone." At that time, her idea of foreplay was ro take her panties off and roll over onto her back.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> We did nothing and basically became roommates with limited physical contact. About a year ago after almost 6 years of sexless and noncontact marriage I had my T level checked and found out it was 33. My estrogen level was higher than my T level and I was basically a woman. I went on T shots and estrogen blocker and now I am very horny. I have been touching my wife and kissing her and showing her attention and it kind of freaks her out.


Why did you wait soo long to address it? I started T injections and AI's at 37.


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## Sporelady (Sep 30, 2021)

Sorry, I did not know that a pinch nerve can cause ED.

Since you say you can achieve a partial erection, have you consider these penile support devices for men with ED. It consists of 2 rings with a rod in between. They are called Elator, Erektor and Stay Hard (UK), Stay Hard is the cheapest of the three.

I might buy one for my husband, it should help his performance anxiety but like your wife, my husband is also hard work.

If your wife starts an affair, it could be the beginning of the end of your marriage.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> My wife occasionally gets interested when she thinks I might be able to get an erection but then shuts down when she finds out that I am still not able to have sex. I have tried to talk her into having an affair with a guy who can have sex with her but so far she has refused. I hate making her suffer because of my problem. I know she wants sex but there is nothing I can do.


For what it's worth my wife thinks it is sweet, that you are wanting to find another man, to meet you wife's sexual desires. That said she also thinks that if your wife doesn't want to do that, you should take her at her word and leave it be.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Why did you wait soo long to address it? I started T injections and AI's at 37.


I go to the VA and the doctors I see kept talking me out of it. they said there were to many problems with T. So like a dummy I listened to them. I have only had ED since I was 65 so that was 5 years ago.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Sporelady said:


> Sorry, I did not know that a pinch nerve can cause ED.
> 
> Since you say you can achieve a partial erection, have you consider these penile support devices for men with ED. It consists of 2 rings with a rod in between. They are called Elator, Erektor and Stay Hard (UK), Stay Hard is the cheapest of the three.
> 
> ...


Hmm I will have to look at that support thing. I know there is a danger in her finding someone but since she is still young at 65 and still wants sex, I am kind of at a loss as to how to give it to her. As I posted in another post, she really doesn't need me for sex since I cannot give her orgasms by ora or any other meansl, the only thing I could give her was penetration. When I lost that I kind of lost the marriage and we just became roommates. We get a long great and do things together but there is nothing sexual between us. So I feel like the marriage is ended and we are just living together anyway.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Personal said:


> For what it's worth my wife thinks it is sweet, that you are wanting to find another man, to meet you wife's sexual desires. That said she also thinks that if your wife doesn't want to do that, you should take her at her word and leave it be.


Thanks. Just trying to make sure she has the opportunity for sex again. I made the suggestion so it is up to her now. I am not going to mention it again.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I have had ED for several years. Back then there was no sex, no touching, no anything in our marriage. About the most sexual thing we did was a luke warm kiss now and then. My wife used to be very sexual and had a lot of partners (she claims from age 14 when she started having sex, until I met her at 50 she had almost 200 sexual encounters with men. That doesn't include the women she had been with. She says she had threesomes, foursomes and even more and went to a lot of orgies and group sex and used to pick up guys in bars and any place she could find a guy who would have sex with her.
> 
> When we got together things were very good and we had lots of sex, she loves anal. Anyway over the years we got married and I started having problems with getting and keeping an erection and eventually our sex life totally died out. It was like that for about 5 years and then I had my T level tested and found out that I had a T level of 33. My Estrogen level was higher and I was basically turning into a woman.
> 
> ...


Why have you not had surgery and had a pump installed.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Why have you not had surgery and had a pump installed.


It was never offered. I go through the VA for medical and unfortunately that is not an option and I am not rich enough to pay for it on my own. I barely get the Sildenafil Citrate from them let alone anything that would help.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

UPDATE: 
Sort of good news. My wife took a shower and came out asked if i wanted to do oral on her. So we went in the bedroom and she got on the bed and I went to town. She said it felt good but was bummed out that her favorite vibrator had dead batteries. so I used the glass dildo on her and she used her hand. She tried the big ball vibrator but she said the buzzing was distracting so she stopped using it. I used the glass dildo and she rubbed but finally said she couldn't get in the mood so we stopped. Unfortunately she sprung it on me so I wasn't ready or in the mood either and couldn't get even a slight erection so we kissed and went to bed. Well I guess it is a start. I had kept bugging her about watching her masturbate so I guess she finally gave in. 
Now if only I could get an erection sigh...


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

UPDATE: 
Sort of good news. My wife took a shower and came out asked if i wanted to do oral on her. So we went in the bedroom and she got on the bed and I went to town. She said it felt good but was bummed out that her favorite vibrator had dead batteries. so I used the glass dildo on her and she used her hand. She tried the big ball vibrator but she said the buzzing was distracting so she stopped using it. I used the glass dildo and she rubbed but finally said she couldn't get in the mood so we stopped. Unfortunately she sprung it on me so I wasn't ready or in the mood either and couldn't get even a slight erection so we kissed and went to bed. Well I guess it is a start. I had kept bugging her about watching her masturbate so I guess she finally gave in. 
Now if only I could get an erection sigh...


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> UPDATE:
> Sort of good news. My wife took a shower and came out asked if i wanted to do oral on her. So we went in the bedroom and she got on the bed and I went to town. She said it felt good but was bummed out that her favorite vibrator had dead batteries. so I used the glass dildo on her and she used her hand. She tried the big ball vibrator but she said the buzzing was distracting so she stopped using it. I used the glass dildo and she rubbed but finally said she couldn't get in the mood so we stopped. Unfortunately she sprung it on me so I wasn't ready or in the mood either and couldn't get even a slight erection so we kissed and went to bed. Well I guess it is a start. I had kept bugging her about watching her masturbate so I guess she finally gave in.
> Now if only I could get an erection sigh...


That's a drag. Sorry for you. Kinda reminds me of when I was performing oral and glanced up to see reaction on her face ... and saw her intently checking her fingernails. Afterwards, i told her to never, ever do that again when I go down on her. So far, she has not. Sheesh.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> That's a drag. Sorry for you. Kinda reminds me of when I was performing oral and glanced up to see reaction on her face ... and saw her intently checking her fingernails. Afterwards, i told her to never, ever do that again when I go down on her. So far, she has not. Sheesh.


If they are checking their nails you should also rethink what you are doing.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> If they are checking their nails you should also rethink what you are doing.


Or, rest assured, I had the thought of simply stopping. But I finished, she enjoyed it a lot, and then I told her I saw her checking the nails. I mean, come on, how rude. That's like me checking my fantasy football stats while receiving oral.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> Why did you wait soo long to address it? I started T injections and AI's at 37.


That is my question too. You didn't care enough about the impact on your wife going without sex for so long but now when you are ready to go you have issues with it. Sounds very self centred to me.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

aine said:


> That is my question too. You didn't care enough about the impact on your wife going without sex for so long but now when you are ready to go you have issues with it. Sounds very self centred to me.


Back when the sex stopped due to me not being able to have sex with her, she told me it didn't matter and she was tired of sex anyway. As my interest in sex waned, we ended up living more as room mates instead of a married couple. She never acted interested or did anything to make me think she wanted sex. So we lived like that for several years until I started the T shots. I kept asking my VA doctor if I could get them and he kept giving me all manner of reasons why I should not go one them. I finally said to hell with it and went to a civilian doctor and he immediately put me on the shots and that was when my desire for sex started again.
Once I felt "horny" I started to talk to her about sex and that was when she admitted that she only said that she wasn't interested when she thought there was no chance of having sex. Once I could get a partial erection, she started getting interested and I realized that she had been going without for all these years and that sex really did matter to her. If she had told me that she still wanted sex back when the whole thing went to hell I would have been fine with her finding someone and having sex or finding some way to satisfy her.
I posted earlier that she can only have an orgasm if she does it herself and the only reason she needed me was for penetration. She admitted that she does masturbate and has been doing it over the years to satisfy herself. She just hasn't had "penetration" other than her glass dildo. So that is why I came up with the suggestion that she find someone who can have penetration sex with her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Back when the sex stopped due to me not being able to have sex with her, she told me it didn't matter and she was tired of sex anyway. As my interest in sex waned, we ended up living more as room mates instead of a married couple. She never acted interested or did anything to make me think she wanted sex. So we lived like that for several years until I started the T shots. I kept asking my VA doctor if I could get them and he kept giving me all manner of reasons why I should not go one them. I finally said to hell with it and went to a civilian doctor and he immediately put me on the shots and that was when my desire for sex started again.
> Once I felt "horny" I started to talk to her about sex and that was when she admitted that she only said that she wasn't interested when she thought there was no chance of having sex. Once I could get a partial erection, she started getting interested and I realized that she had been going without for all these years and that sex really did matter to her. If she had told me that she still wanted sex back when the whole thing went to hell I would have been fine with her finding someone and having sex or finding some way to satisfy her.
> I posted earlier that she can only have an orgasm if she does it herself and the only reason she needed me was for penetration. She admitted that she does masturbate and has been doing it over the years to satisfy herself. She just hasn't had "penetration" other than her glass dildo. So that is why I came up with the suggestion that she find someone who can have penetration sex with her.


Typical female who does not want to hurt her partner's feelings. So many of us are brought us like this, to hide and not be honest about our own feelings but the other first. Sad state of affairs. However, you are partly culpable because she was up for sex when you could do it, why would she suddenly stop liking it and it not mattering. Convenient for you, so you did not think too much about her did you?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> *I posted earlier that she can only have an orgasm if she does it herself *and the only reason she needed me was for penetration. She admitted that she does masturbate and has been doing it over the years to satisfy herself. She just hasn't had "penetration" other than her glass dildo. So that is why I came up with the suggestion that she find someone who can have penetration sex with her.


you need to change your game, dude. there HAS TO BE a way for you to get her to cum. It might not be with your penis inside her, but some combination of sensual massage, playing with her nipples, bondage, sex toys, role play, ....
maybe you are rushing things? How about a slow sensual massage, where over the period of half an hour you edge her...bring her close to cumming, then backing off, then doing it again...until she begs you to insert your thing!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> you need to change your game, dude. there HAS TO BE a way for you to get her to cum. It might not be with your penis inside her, but some combination of sensual massage, playing with her nipples, bondage, sex toys, role play, ....
> maybe you are rushing things? How about a slow sensual massage, where over the period of half an hour you edge her...bring her close to cumming, then backing off, then doing it again...until she begs you to insert your thing!


great advice. Women love back rubs. Women are slow cookers, men are microwave ovens.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> great advice. Women love back rubs. Women are slow cookers, men are microwave ovens.


I heard them compared to crockpots too


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> I heard them compared to crockpots too


Didn't Jeff Foxworthy say women were like diesel engines and men were like bottle rockets...?? Lolol!!!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Didn't Jeff Foxworthy say women were like diesel engines and men were like bottle rockets...?? Lolol!!!


I don't know, but sounds about right. A diesel can be a mess to start in cold weather, have to warm everything up, be sure no water in the fuel, crank forever to get it started lol. And all it takes for a bottle rocket is to light the fuse and stand back. Viva la difference!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> great advice. *Women love back rubs*. Women are slow cookers, men are microwave ovens.


My wife expects a back rub at the beginning of an encounter, and another afterward. Became even more important as age, arthritis, aches and pains have progressed.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> I don't know, but sounds about right. A diesel can be a mess to start in cold weather, have to warm everything up, be sure no water in the fuel, crank forever to get it started lol. And all it takes for a bottle rocket is to light the fuse and stand back. Viva la difference!


I think he was saying that once you get them going, women can go for a long, long time...Lolol!!!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I think he was saying that once you get them going, women can go for a long, long time...Lolol!!!


Oh for sure! It took a decade for wife to train me to last long enough, but I was a good student and practiced a lot lol.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> you need to change your game, dude. there HAS TO BE a way for you to get her to cum. It might not be with your penis inside her, but some combination of sensual massage, playing with her nipples, bondage, sex toys, role play, ....
> maybe you are rushing things? How about a slow sensual massage, where over the period of half an hour you edge her...bring her close to cumming, then backing off, then doing it again...until she begs you to insert your thing!


I did all that back when we were first dating and married. She says her breasts do nothing for her. I have played with them, sucked them, squeezed them, you name it and she is like "Meh". I have tried to get her to let me massage her and she says she really isn't interested in it and she says she hates the stuff you use to give massages (lotions, etc.) She says her skin is oily enough all ready and she doesn't want any more of that on her body. 
As for playing with her clit and vulva she is "Meh" again. I think I posted that she started having sex at 14 and by 50 when I met her she had almost 200 guys and a few women lovers. And she says NONE of them ever got her to have an orgasm. She enjoyed having the male sex organ inside her and it felt nice but that was it. I have never had a problem getting a woman to have at least one orgasm and most had several in a row. My record is something like 10 or 11 in a row. And I have made a lot of them squirt and one really gushed and made the whole bed wet. But not her. I did the same things I did with all the other women and even what she told me she does and zip, nada, nothing.
I have tried to get her interested in bondage. I have a couple of spreader bars, Velcro wrist and ankle restraints, straps, a whip, a ball gag, a feather on a long stick to tickle her, I even have a strap on. And all sorts of other bondage equipment. She refuses them all and says she is to old for that crap and doesn't want to be tied up in case something happens to me and she ends up stuck on the bed tied up. I bought a bunch of various sizes p***s shaped dildo's and vibrators. She threw most of it away and only kept the small glass dildo and a small curved vibrator that she uses inside her. I even bought one of the big ball vibrators and she says it makes to much noise. I even broke down and bought a Sawz-All reciprocating saw that had a dildo attachment. She hated it.
She thinks role play is silly. The closest thing I have ever seen her turned on with was back when we were first together, she got all "Goth'd up" and wore a pair of panties that tied on the sides. We were dancing and one side came untied and they fell off her. She said she was turned on by that. I have tried to get her to go out without panties but she refuses. She won't even go without here at home. She says she has bladder control problems and tends to leak if she coughs or sneezes or whatever. And she also refuses to wear sexy underwear because she cannot get the leak pads in the crotch of a thong. 
I am stymied and have no clue. That was why I was thinking of just letting her have sex with someone else.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I did all that back when we were first dating and married. She says her breasts do nothing for her. I have played with them, sucked them, squeezed them, you name it and she is like "Meh". I have tried to get her to let me massage her and she says she really isn't interested in it and she says she hates the stuff you use to give massages (lotions, etc.) She says her skin is oily enough all ready and she doesn't want any more of that on her body.
> As for playing with her clit and vulva she is "Meh" again. I think I posted that she started having sex at 14 and by 50 when I met her she had almost 200 guys and a few women lovers. And she says NONE of them ever got her to have an orgasm. She enjoyed having the male sex organ inside her and it felt nice but that was it. I have never had a problem getting a woman to have at least one orgasm and most had several in a row. My record is something like 10 or 11 in a row. And I have made a lot of them squirt and one really gushed and made the whole bed wet. But not her. I did the same things I did with all the other women and even what she told me she does and zip, nada, nothing.
> I have tried to get her interested in bondage. I have a couple of spreader bars, Velcro wrist and ankle restraints, straps, a whip, a ball gag, a feather on a long stick to tickle her, I even have a strap on. And all sorts of other bondage equipment. She refuses them all and says she is to old for that crap and doesn't want to be tied up in case something happens to me and she ends up stuck on the bed tied up. I bought a bunch of various sizes p***s shaped dildo's and vibrators. She threw most of it away and only kept the small glass dildo and a small curved vibrator that she uses inside her. I even bought one of the big ball vibrators and she says it makes to much noise. I even broke down and bought a Sawz-All reciprocating saw that had a dildo attachment. She hated it.
> She thinks role play is silly. The closest thing I have ever seen her turned on with was back when we were first together, she got all "Goth'd up" and wore a pair of panties that tied on the sides. We were dancing and one side came untied and they fell off her. She said she was turned on by that. I have tried to get her to go out without panties but she refuses. She won't even go without here at home. She says she has bladder control problems and tends to leak if she coughs or sneezes or whatever. And she also refuses to wear sexy underwear because she cannot get the leak pads in the crotch of a thong.
> I am stymied and have no clue. That was why I was thinking of just letting her have sex with someone else.


Stop the talk of getting her laid already. Just stop. I know you think you are trying to do something for her and care for her, but this is NOT the answer. It is all high risk and no benefit to the marriage. She doesn't seem to have much of an issue with no sex and she can't orgasm from PIV sex anyway. All you would be doing is setting up a scenario where she may bond with another man and decide to leave you. Why take that risk when she sounds like she is pretty happy, or at least content as things are? And what do you get out of giving her away to another man? It doesn't solve the problem you came here to get help with.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I am stymied and have no clue. That was why I was thinking of just letting her have sex with someone else.


I'm pretty sure if SHE wanted to have sex with someone else, she would. So I'm not understanding why are you stuck on this, when she has told you she doesn't want that and she is content with you and how things are without sex. 

Because you said in another post, YOU are frustrated with the sexlessness...but then how does finding her a lover help you with THAT problem?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds like...she really does not want sex!

One thing i do not see in your list, have you tried blindfolding her? since nothing normal in the list worked, how about radically changing things so her senses are jumbled up?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> great advice. Women love back rubs. Women are _slow cookers_, men are microwave ovens.





Rus47 said:


> I heard them compared to _crockpots_ too


Or, some are naturally made, those cracked, pots.
Or, some are crazy crackpots.

I hear them coming, I gotta go!


_The Typist-_


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Stop the talk of getting her laid already. Just stop. I know you think you are trying to do something for her and care for her, but this is NOT the answer. It is all high risk and no benefit to the marriage. She doesn't seem to have much of an issue with no sex and she can't orgasm from PIV sex anyway. All you would be doing is setting up a scenario where she may bond with another man and decide to leave you. Why take that risk when she sounds like she is pretty happy, or at least content as things are? And what do you get out of giving her away to another man? It doesn't solve the problem you came here to get help with.





LisaDiane said:


> I'm pretty sure if SHE wanted to have sex with someone else, she would. So I'm not understanding why are you stuck on this, when she has told you she doesn't want that and she is content with you and how things are without sex.
> 
> Because you said in another post, YOU are frustrated with the sexlessness...but then how does finding her a lover help you with THAT problem?


I guess you are right. I go to a lot of forums about marriage and some are just general forums and I have seen a lot of women who are not happy with a sexless married life even though they claim to be. On many of the forums the women say they tell their husbands that things are fine but inside they hate it. I guess I decided to become proactive before she took matters in her own hands and found someone else. I have trouble seeing her going from a major sexual woman to one that is basically celibate. I see a lot of women who do something called Cuckolding when their husband cannot satisfy them.

If I am frustrated with the sexless marriage I am sure she is too. I figure I am a lost cause and have resigned myself to no sex because I cannot do it. She still can but is held back by me.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I guess you are right. I go to a lot of forums about marriage and some are just general forums and I have seen a lot of women who are not happy with a sexless married life even though they claim to be. On many of the forums the women say they tell their husbands that things are fine but inside they hate it. I guess I decided to become proactive before she took matters in her own hands and found someone else. I have trouble seeing her going from a major sexual woman to one that is basically celibate. I see a lot of women who do something called Cuckolding when their husband cannot satisfy them.
> 
> If I am frustrated with the sexless marriage I am sure she is too. I figure I am a lost cause and have resigned myself to no sex because I cannot do it. She still can but is held back by me.


Why don't you sit down with her and say all this to HER that you wrote here...and see what her response is.
You might be surprised that she really is FINE with things the way they are. She had so many sexual experiences through the years (with you as well), and now that she is older and has done without it for awhile, it really is possible that she is ok and even HAPPY with your life together without sex!

If she says she is fine and happy, BELIEVE HER.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Why don't you sit down with her and say all this to HER that you wrote here...and see what her response is.
> You might be surprised that she really is FINE with things the way they are. She had so many sexual experiences through the years (with you as well), and now that she is older and has done without it for awhile, it really is possible that she is ok and even HAPPY with your life together without sex!
> 
> If she says she is fine and happy, BELIEVE HER.


IMO, OP is driving himself and his wife into the ground obsessing about this. At their age and physical condition they need to accept and enjoy what they have


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I did all that back when we were first dating and married. She says her breasts do nothing for her. I have played with them, sucked them, squeezed them, you name it and she is like "Meh". I have tried to get her to let me massage her and she says she really isn't interested in it and she says she hates the stuff you use to give massages (lotions, etc.) She says her skin is oily enough all ready and she doesn't want any more of that on her body.


Not everyone likes their breasts and or nipples being played with and some vary on when it works for them and doesn't, plus some women change along the way. For example some may enjoy it before pregnancy and then afterwards only enjoy it when they are near to reaching orgasm.

Likewise not everyone is into being massaged or likes oil and lotions being applied to them. That said some people who like being massaged, want to go to sleep after being massaged instead of wanting to share sex. So it is a misnomer to believe that giving someone a massage is a guaranteed path to sexual congress.

One thing that stands out in your posts is you are often saying your wife tells you things. Yet for some reason you seem loathe to believe her, and seem intent on trying to get her to conform to your wants.



> As for playing with her clit and vulva she is "Meh" again. I think I posted that she started having sex at 14 and by 50 when I met her she had almost 200 guys and a few women lovers. And she says NONE of them ever got her to have an orgasm. She enjoyed having the male sex organ inside her and it felt nice but that was it.


That can happen and it can be as a consequence of not actually being with someone who can get her there (even with 200). Or having the perfect storm of having some sort of personal emotional limitation, combined with being with people who aren't that great at sex either.



> I have never had a problem getting a woman to have at least one orgasm and most had several in a row. My record is something like 10 or 11 in a row. And I have made a lot of them squirt and one really gushed and made the whole bed wet. But not her. I did the same things I did with all the other women and even what she told me she does and zip, nada, nothing.


I'm not saying that isn't true, yet here are some brief anecdotes for you to think about.

As related by my wife, she got into sharing sex at a late age (she was 25). Since she was saving herself for marriage, until she decided she didn't want to anymore. Her first sexual partner was a sexually experienced divorced man, who was 12 years her senior and had been with multiple women. He told her he never had any problems bringing women to orgasm, and he could make women orgasm multiple times blah blah blah.

Now the reason he told her this was because despite his efforts including with oral sex, he couldn't get her to orgasm no matter what he did, or how long (zzzzzzz), or often he tried, she just didn't even come close. Now she did enjoy her time with him and had plenty of fun, yet he just couldn't get her there.

After a while of her telling him, and him trying and telling her this had never happened to him before. He decided being older and more experienced than her, to start telling her that she was having orgasms, because she got so incredibly wet and she gushed a river "see you've cum, look how wet you are!" etc. So she started to question herself, was she having orgasms yet not knowing it, was there something wrong with her, was she broken?

Then he started telling her, he was surprised she didn't make much noise, she was too quiet and on and on. So she started giving him the performance he deserved. She started faking orgasm, in the way he believed orgasms look and sound like. While realising she resented having to pretend to get off, to assuage his fragile ego. So soon after that, she asked me out on a date while we were at work and dumped him after we shared sex together.

So he still probably believes he got her to have orgasms even though he didn't, but what the hell some people seem to have little idea, especially those who are determined not to listen.

Now as it turns out my wife actually orgasms very easily (not every time, yet most of the time nonetheless) through penis in vagina sex. Or oral sex, or frigging her with a finger, thumb, fingers or fingers and thumb. And she orgasms easily with penis in vagina sex combined with anal penetration as well. She's even orgasmed on extremely rare occasion from standalone penis in anus sex.

The thing is in my experience with different women, including my wife, what works with one doesn't always work with another and also of what works with one, it can vary as to when that works or doesn't work (it can be a moving goal post with emotion, age, tides, etc). So doing the same for every woman I have been with, certainly wouldn't have helped them achieve orgasm when they do.

From experience a woman can gush, squirt, get incredibly wet, pee, ooze thick/thin stuff, ooze translucent or opaque stuff, grip, moan, scream, dig nails in, bite, do Kegels etc. Yet it is a mistake to think that one or all of those things combined, indicate that a woman has actually had an orgasm. Since they actually aren't always coincident with or caused by orgasm at all.

Also from experience if a woman's rectum vibrates and shudders a certain way, during lead up to orgasm and then pulsates a particular way with the onset of orgasm through to the waning of that orgasm. Then yes you can be sure they have orgasmed. Likewise this can be felt inside the vagina, the trouble is the sensation is harder to feel (since it is weaker), inside a vagina because it has a lower amplitude. Plus it is possible as an observer to mistake the build up tilting/gripping and then tremble inside a vagina for orgasm when it is just another lead up to orgasm quiver. Which is why it is easier to tell via the way a woman's anus and rectum behaves during orgasm and its build up.

Which incidentally knowing how that feels, it's a great guide for more effective application of cunnilingus to bring a woman to orgasm, since you can use the rectal quivers and vibrations as a guide to tell you when your oral technique is bringing them closer (they occur more frequently leading to orgasm), doing nothing for them at all (complete absence), or it's starting not to work (they diminish in strength and frequency).

Oh and not all women enjoy vibrators.

One thing for sure if I were you, I certainly wouldn't do the same thing repeatedly to no end.



> I have tried to get her interested in bondage. I have a couple of spreader bars, Velcro wrist and ankle restraints, straps, a whip, a ball gag, a feather on a long stick to tickle her, I even have a strap on. And all sorts of other bondage equipment. She refuses them all and says she is to old for that crap and doesn't want to be tied up in case something happens to me and she ends up stuck on the bed tied up. I bought a bunch of various sizes p***s shaped dildo's and vibrators. She threw most of it away and only kept the small glass dildo and a small curved vibrator that she uses inside her. I even bought one of the big ball vibrators and she says it makes to much noise. I even broke down and bought a Sawz-All reciprocating saw that had a dildo attachment. She hated it.


Did you ask your wife if she wanted you to buy those things? I mean I seriously hope you discussed these things with her and determined that she wanted all of these things in the first place as well.

Since if you didn't, I hope you now understand that affording your wife her own agency and determining if she wants that first. Gives you a better chance at getting her on board than wasting money in the first place and foisting it upon her after the fact.

It almost reads like you want her to be someone else, yet you are surprised when she behaves like herself.



> She thinks role play is silly. The closest thing I have ever seen her turned on with was back when we were first together, she got all "Goth'd up" and wore a pair of panties that tied on the sides. We were dancing and one side came untied and they fell off her. She said she was turned on by that. I have tried to get her to go out without panties but she refuses. She won't even go without here at home. She says she has bladder control problems and tends to leak if she coughs or sneezes or whatever. And she also refuses to wear sexy underwear because she cannot get the leak pads in the crotch of a thong.


Plenty of us do think it's silly.

That said instead of asking your wife to feel embarrassed, uncomfortable and shamed, to conform to your wants. Why don't you afford her some dignity and respect as a human being and appreciate that she doesn't want to go without protection against such accidents and let that go.



> I am stymied and have no clue. That was why I was thinking of just letting her have sex with someone else.


You need to figure out why you are so determined, in wanting your wife to have sex with other men, when she has repeatedly told you she isn't interested (disbelieve her at your own peril).

Since my corn flakes packet psych doctorate, makes me think it is likely that you are not wanting this for her benefit. With you instead wanting her to do this, in the hope that it will instead excite you sexually. Since this carry on is the same sort of nonsense and approach, that you pulled on your wife with wanting her to get into BDSM stuff (I mean Sawz-all with a dildo, without her wanting one!).

For your own sake, please get a grip and wake up.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> IMO, OP is driving himself and his wife into the ground obsessing about this. At their age and physical condition they need to accept and enjoy what they have


The other factor is by constantly badgering her about this he destroys any enjoyment she still experiences with him. Feeling pressured does nothing for intimacy with a woman. (Or a man for that matter). So he is pressuring her and himself making every encounter worse. What is running inside her head all the time is anxiety about his feelings being hurt.

Relax! Be in the moment.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Another UPDATE: 
I bought her one of those little internal vibrators with the antenna that sticks out. She likes it. She says she would never have an orgasm with it but it feels good. I am trying...


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

UPDATE: 
I bought her one of those little internal vibrators with the antenna that sticks out. She likes it. She says she would never have an orgasm with it but it feels good. I am trying...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Why have you not had surgery and had a pump installed.


The surgery is quite expensive ( ~$20k ). I recall that Medicare may cover it under part B, so copay will be on order of 20%, and evidently the VA covers certain brands under certain conditions. After cancer surgery years ago it was something I considered and investigated, thankfully function returned after the nerves regenerated and before took drastic steps. I would have tried the simpler and less expensive vacuum pump firstly. The OP's urologist ought to be able to provide guidance on using that, they seem to have a high degree of satisfaction for men forced to use them.

The biggest issue IMO is once a man goes down that road there is no return, they replace the sponge tissue in the penis with the inflatable (or adjustable ) artificial material. As with any other implant/surgery, there can be infection, rejection, reaction. Not a decision to be made without careful consultation with medical and other professionals. Just because a procedure is possible doesn't mean it is advisable.

The dynamic between the OP and his wife is the problem. He keeps trying to solve a problem his wife continues to insist is not a problem. And if he continues to insist there is a problem long enough, it may become one to his regret.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> UPDATE:
> I bought her one of those little internal vibrators with the antenna that sticks out. She likes it. She says she would never have an orgasm with it but it feels good. I am trying...


So you bought it for her. She didn't participate in the buying of it. And, unsurprisingly it doesn't really do anything for her. Can you imagine the analogous thing she might buy for you? Like a penis sleeve or extension? She goes to the store alone, buys and brings it home, hands it to you and says "here put this on". Would you find that romantic?

I can just imagine the response would receive for buying a vibrator for my wife. It wouldn't improve her mood at all. She is perfectly capable of buying one for herself if she cared for them ( which she doesn't ).

Your wife is surprisingly patient. You are trying too hard and in the wrong way. Spend your efforts and money buying and learning how to use the vacuum pump to achieve the erection she has told you many times is what she craves. I have never used one, but plenty of men have used them successfully. Talk to someone in a prostate cancer recovery group like Cancare, and to your urologist. The symptoms you experience are like what cancer survivors are experiencing from nerve damage.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Well she did say she would keep using it. The ball end one makes to much noise and she says she can't concentrate when she masturbates. So at least she likes something. I am working on getting an appointment to have my back looked at and possible surgery to fix the nerve damage. I hope that helps and I can get even more feeling back.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> The dynamic between the OP and his wife is the problem. He keeps trying to solve a problem his wife continues to insist is not a problem. And if he continues to insist there is a problem long enough, it may become one to his regret.


Well since getting a lover outside the marriage seems to be out according to opinions here, I am trying other things. With the back problem and nerve problem even if I can get an erection not sure how it would work since my feeling is numbed down. IF I can get the vacuum pump to work at least I would be able to penetrate her even if the feeling is numbed down. 

I am trying to find a solution that will make her happy and me too. I hate being in another sexless marriage, especially when it is my fault this time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Gomezaddams51 

I merged your two thread on this topic. You will get better input with one thread on a topic.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Personal said:


> Not everyone likes their breasts and or nipples being played with and some vary on when it works for them and doesn't, plus some women change along the way. For example some may enjoy it before pregnancy and then afterwards only enjoy it when they are near to reaching orgasm.
> 
> Likewise not everyone is into being massaged or likes oil and lotions being applied to them. That said some people who like being massaged, want to go to sleep after being massaged instead of wanting to share sex. So it is a misnomer to believe that giving someone a massage is a guaranteed path to sexual congress.
> 
> ...


I actually had the bondage stuff before I met her. I was 50 and had an affair with a 33 year old wife of a guy I sort of knew and hated. She loved being tied up and everything that went with it. So I had a lot of stuff already. I never told my wife about what we did other than we had sex. I did buy the Sawz-all more as a joke since I needed one anyway. It has come in handy when I did woodworking...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I actually had the bondage stuff before I met her. I was 50 and had an affair with a 33 year old wife of a guy I sort of knew and hated. She loved being tied up and everything that went with it. So I had a lot of stuff already. I never told my wife about what we did other than we had sex. I did buy the Sawz-all more as a joke since I needed one anyway. It has come in handy when I did woodworking...


So, karma comes back to bite a POSOM in the ass.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> Didn't Jeff Foxworthy say women were like diesel engines and men were like bottle rockets...?? Lolol!!!


Once started they can go a looonngg time! Left that part out.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> *Well since getting a lover outside the marriage seems to be out according to opinions here*, I am trying other things. With the back problem and nerve problem even if I can get an erection not sure how it would work since my feeling is numbed down. IF I can get the vacuum pump to work at least I would be able to penetrate her even if the feeling is numbed down.
> 
> I am trying to find a solution that will make her happy and me too. I hate being in another sexless marriage, especially when it is my fault this time.


No, we are all pointing out that you are ignoring what SHE says she wants - SHE doesn't want to get a lover outside the marriage.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> No, we are all pointing out that you are ignoring what SHE says she wants - SHE doesn't want to get a lover outside the marriage.


So I guess I will just let things go as they are and forget about it.....


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> So I guess I will just let things go as they are and forget about it.....


No, I think your other ideas are good ones...I'm just not sure why you keep clinging to the idea that getting her a lover when she says she doesn't want one will fix your sexless marriage.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> No, I think your other ideas are good ones...I'm just not sure why you keep clinging to the idea that getting her a lover when she says she doesn't want one will fix your sexless marriage.


If anything, her getting a lover could end the marriage, sexless or not.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> No, I think your other ideas are good ones...I'm just not sure why you keep clinging to the idea that getting her a lover when she says she doesn't want one will fix your sexless marriage.


Well I having read what other women have written about sexless marriages I just thought that since I am forced into celibacy, why should she be. Yes she says she is fine with it but then turns around and says or does something that tells me different. So that was why I was thinking of her finding sex elsewhere. I know it won't "fix" anything other than give her a chance to have sex. So that was why I was thinking about her and her needs. My needs are over and done with and are never going to happen.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I have tried to get her interested in bondage. I have a couple of spreader bars, Velcro wrist and ankle restraints, straps, a whip, a ball gag, a feather on a long stick to tickle her, I even have a strap on. And all sorts of other bondage equipment. She refuses them all and says she is to old for that crap and doesn't want to be tied up in case something happens to me and she ends up stuck on the bed tied up. I bought a bunch of various sizes p***s shaped dildo's and vibrators. She threw most of it away and only kept the small glass dildo and a small curved vibrator that she uses inside her. I even bought one of the big ball vibrators and she says it makes to much noise. I even broke down and bought a Sawz-All reciprocating saw that had a dildo attachment. She hated it.
> She thinks role play is silly. The closest thing I have ever seen her turned on with was back when we were first together, she got all "Goth'd up" and wore a pair of panties that tied on the sides. We were dancing and one side came untied and they fell off her. She said she was turned on by that. I have tried to get her to go out without panties but she refuses. She won't even go without here at home. She says she has bladder control problems and tends to leak if she coughs or sneezes or whatever. And she also refuses to wear sexy underwear because she cannot get the leak pads in the crotch of a thong.
> I am stymied and have no clue. That was why I was thinking of just letting her have sex with someone else.


So @Gomezaddams51, 

My Beloved Hubby and I are almost 60yo, so like you, we are "of a certain age" and past the kids being in the house and menopause and all of that. When I make love to my husband, I'm not doing it for a circus act or because he is the liveliest monkey swinging from the rooftops. I make love to him because it's HIM and I love HIM. At my age, I don't want a bunch of toys and fake b.s. That's for young folks and only occasionally if we (see that key word there? WE) are being silly and playful. 

When I read through the list of sex toys you've got there, I have to be honest: I found it exhausting and excessive! I mean, I get that some folks have a bigger repetoir and do many things, but if my Beloved Hubby held me to all that you've mentioned, I'd be so completely turned off I could barely speak! I'd feel more like his living wind-up toy and much, MUCH less like his living, breathing, loving partner. 

So there are a few differences in myself and your lovely wife: I can orgasm fairly easily and I have not been with hundreds of lovers. But I have been with both men and women, and I have loved those I've been with. I'm not close-minded or particularly vanilla! But in real life, I'm just not into bondage--never have been, never will be. So if a person were to want to love ME--bondage isn't gonna do it!! I suspect your wife is the same. If you keep bringing all these bondage toys, it's like you are bringing her what YOU like and ignoring HER! I don't like it because I do not get turned on by pain or by being bound or by being controlled--that "may" be you but it's just not me and it sounds like it's not HER. So once a person has shared with you "Hey this does not turn me on" if you continue to bring up that stuff, you are essentially not hearing them. 

In a bedroom situation, I don't want a bunch of dildos or vibrators either. I want to feel my man or woman, not a bunch of plastic or metal. I like the feel of skin, the smell, the taste--but plastic or metal is boring. Okay, can a vibrator get you off? Sure. But it's like a "no joy" orgasm if it's just by yourself and a piece of metal. The joy is love of the partner. So if my partner, my Beloved Hubby, were to have a medical issue such as you do that prevented him from ever again having a stiffy, I wouldn't want to switch to plastic! I don't love plastic. I would say "Hey let's kiss like teenagers" or "Dude use your fingers" or I'd use my own fingers! It's about the connection, not being approached with a drill that has a dildo on it! YUCK!

Finally, like your wife, I have the occasional bladder control issue when I sneeze or cough too. But even before that, I just hated thongs! I mean, if I wanted that feeling, I'd just get dental floss! LOL  That's what it feels like--dental floss up the back side. So I prefer an actual panty. Now, I could see something like getting a panty that is functional and yet pretty--say with some lace at the waist and hips. I could see looking TOGETHER at some sexy sets that both of us like and find exciting, but again the key word is BOTH. Don't just race out and buy her some Victoria's Secret thing you like, because she may not like it! In fact, she has told you she doesn't like thongs, but here you are upset about it. Dude, maybe she'd like fishnet thigh-highs with a garter--50's retro style. And likewise if she doesn't like role play, then guess what? She does not get turned on by it! You might--SHE DOESN'T! 

So Part 1: listen to her when she tells you want she does and does not want...what turns her on and does not turn her on. If it doesn't turn her on, stop pushing it! The pushing turns her off even more! Part 2: She's not a kid anymore. Maybe what she wants is to connect with YOU in a loving, physical way, and not a "swing from the chandeliers" orgasm from toys and machinery. Intimacy does not start with physical--it starts by sharing your heart and sharing your thoughts and sharing YOU.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> So @Gomezaddams51,
> 
> My Beloved Hubby and I are almost 60yo, so like you, we are "of a certain age" and past the kids being in the house and menopause and all of that. When I make love to my husband, I'm not doing it for a circus act or because he is the liveliest monkey swinging from the rooftops. I make love to him because it's HIM and I love HIM. At my age, I don't want a bunch of toys and fake b.s. That's for young folks and only occasionally if we (see that key word there? WE) are being silly and playful.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. Yeah my wife keeps saying she is to old for pretty much anything but when I hear her talk about how she was when she was younger I guess I get jealous and want that too. She told me about all the threesomes, foursomes, group sex, orgies, getting sexy and going to bars and picking up guys and ****ing them for a one night stand, ****ing guys she worked with just for fun, etc. and I get depressed and wish I could have been there for that. Now she is about as vanilla as you can get. Almost like being married to a nun.... Don't want nun, don't need nun and you ain't gonna get nun. That was the way ti was for quite a while. Since I have been on T shots, I have been paying her more attention and she had kind of loosened up some but still has a long ways to go.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> sucks, but indeed some women ONLY want PIV sex.
> Maybe some of the women here can explain why!
> when a man's penis stops getting hard, it is obviously a blow to him. so a lot of men try to compensate by using their fingers, or cunnilingus, sex toys, or other kinky sexual acts that do not require a penis.
> when his wife then says something like "i ONLY like sex with a hard penis", that is pretty hurtful! He is trying hard, but then gets hit upside his head with that comment.
> ...


Think about the alternatives. I don't know how many of you men have tried being the recipient of a flaccid penis, whether in the mouth or in an orifice, but I would suggest that you try it before you criticize. He needs to stop porn and see if it makes any difference, but it's mostly his age.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Think about the alternatives. I don't know how many of you men have tried being the recipient of a flaccid penis, whether in the mouth or in an orifice, but I would suggest that you try it before you criticize. He needs to stop porn and see if it makes any difference, but it's mostly his age.


I didn't turn to porn until after I started having problems. Most of the problem is with my spine problems, Type 2 Diabetes, and I suppose age. I just get depressed thinking back on all the sexless years I went through when I could have had sex but was to stupid to get divorce and was loyal to my marriage because of religious brainwashing. My whole first marriage was basically sexless due to my wife hating sex and then stopping sex all together at our 8th year of marriage. So no sex for the next 10 years when I finally got smart and divorced her. Looking back I should have divorced her at 8 years or had affairs. Now I am once again in the same situation. So just pissed off at life.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I didn't turn to porn until after I started having problems. Most of the problem is with my spine problems, Type 2 Diabetes, and I suppose age. I just get depressed thinking back on all the sexless years I went through when I could have had sex but was to stupid to get divorce and was loyal to my marriage because of religious brainwashing. My whole first marriage was basically sexless due to my wife hating sex and then stopping sex all together at our 8th year of marriage. So no sex for the next 10 years when I finally got smart and divorced her. Looking back I should have divorced her at 8 years or had affairs. Now I am once again in the same situation. So just pissed off at life.


Getting old will do that to you. I'm old myself. You just do what you can and accept what you can't. I would like to still be able to get in a nice clear river, but I can't do much of anything.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay so, @Gomezaddams51 ... I have a couple thoughts. 

You say you are 70 and your wife 65yo. You have diabetes and a spinal issue that results in nerve problems. You had a T level of 33 (which is way low) and during that time, you and your wife gravitated toward little or no sex, but now you got your T level supplemented so that it's 1000...and you feel horny all the time. You can ejaculate but not get an erection. 

So #1, my first thought is that it sounds like your wife "got used" to having less sex. Maybe she didn't like it at first but she eventually got herself used to having less. Thus, why don't you speak to your doctor and see if you can't lower your T level to something lower than 1000? A "normal" level is 300-1000 so you are at the level of a 20yo. Beginning around 30yo, fellas lose about 1% per year so 300 minum 40 = a level of about 260 for a 70yo. I'm wondering if you spoke to your doctor if you couldn't find a dose that at least brings you to "healthy T" but also also lower than the horniness of a 20yo! Maybe aim for about 300-400? 

#2, are you aware that there is more to sex than an erection? An erection doesn't mean "I am turned on"--shoot some young fellas get an erection from their jeans, and that isn't necessarily sexual (lol). Is your wife also aware that getting an erection doesn't mean "he is turned on by me" and that a lack of one doesn't mean "I don't turn him on"? Maybe instead of thinking about sex as Penis in Vagina, you could broaden the definition...not in the sense of "plastic and replacements" but in the sense of thinking of physical intimacy in new ways. Specifically, what if you focused on emotional intimacy for a while? What if you focused on the pleasure of touching? See what I mean? Try to get past the definition of sex only being PIV (you get turned on by her and get hard) and let it morph. Shoot, Google "Losing an erection is good" and see what comes up!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Getting old will do that to you. I'm old myself. You just do what you can and accept what you can't. I would like to still be able to get in a nice clear river, but I can't do much of anything.


cheer up guys!
we can always find a monastery, and become monks!


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> Okay so, @Gomezaddams51 ... I have a couple thoughts.
> 
> You say you are 70 and your wife 65yo. You have diabetes and a spinal issue that results in nerve problems. You had a T level of 33 (which is way low) and during that time, you and your wife gravitated toward little or no sex, but now you got your T level supplemented so that it's 1000...and you feel horny all the time. You can ejaculate but not get an erection.
> 
> ...


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

OK ... Well I sat down with my wife and we had a deep, long discussion. She finally admitted what was going on and told me that my touching her, holding her, kissing her did nothing for her and that the only thing that turns her on is watching videos of animals having sex.. She admitted that the years we were having sex, she would watch videos before we got down to the dark and dirty.

She says she can orgasm really fast if she watches animal sex videos (that is two animals, not an animal and a human). So I guess I need to get a subscription to Animal Planet or whatever the equivalent is on YouTube. So I guess all my attempts at getting her interested were for naught.

I guess we all have our kinks so... Sigh.
Anyway thanks for all the inputs....


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> OK ... Well I sat down with my wife and we had a deep, long discussion. She finally admitted what was going on and told me that my touching her, holding her, kissing her did nothing for her and that the only thing that turns her on is watching videos of animals having sex.. She admitted that the years we were having sex, she would watch videos before we got down to the dark and dirty.
> 
> She says she can orgasm really fast if she watches animal sex videos (that is two animals, not an animal and a human). So I guess I need to get a subscription to Animal Planet or whatever the equivalent is on YouTube. So I guess all my attempts at getting her interested were for naught.
> 
> ...


She’s a kinky one. Whatever gets you going, I guess.


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## Sporelady (Sep 30, 2021)

I learn something new every day; if your wife gets turn on by sex in the animal kingdom, then you should get your hands on the Mating Game by David Attenborough, available on dvd.
On the subject of ED, not everything is due to old age. My husband has a nasty skin rash recently and it was the side effect of statin.
I did not know that statin which lowers cholesterol, also lowers testosterone, in fact a quarter of men who take statin develop ED even at very low dosage.
Absolutely shocking when there are other safer ways of lowering cholesterol, eg., taking Benecol, changing diet.
I suppose the pharmaceutical companies want to make money by selling the solution (ie the blue pills) to the ED problem they created in the first place.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

On another dicussion I came across this post from a woman here on this TAM site. It describes what I think is going on with my wife perfectly. 

"...In the context of marriage, forever. I took vows about for better or worse, in good times & in bad & I am keeping them even though my husband & I haven't had sex in more than 5 years. I stopped counting because it made me too sad. He has ED & then there are these whole over arching psychological things. I'm not leaving. I'm just sad & disappointed...."

So see I was not BSing when I talked about my ED affecting my wife. Wives also get affected by it.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Well had more Xray's done and not only do I have severe spinal Stenosis but I have severe canal stenosis which means the canal the spinal cord runs through is compromised which is causing my nerve damage in my groin. My appointment with the VA doc is in Feb of next year so hopefully I won't end up in a wheel chair. It just keeps getting better and better.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> It just keeps getting better and better.


I hope you don't end up in a wheelchair as well.

All any of us can do is keep going, until the end.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> On another dicussion I came across this post from a woman here on this TAM site. It describes what I think is going on with my wife perfectly.
> 
> "...In the context of marriage, forever. I took vows about for better or worse, in good times & in bad & I am keeping them even though my husband & I haven't had sex in more than 5 years. I stopped counting because it made me too sad. He has ED & then there are these whole over arching psychological things. I'm not leaving. I'm just sad & disappointed...."
> 
> So see I was not BSing when I talked about my ED affecting my wife. Wives also get affected by it.


You could do something uncharacteristic, that's meant to stimulate her.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> OK ... Well I sat down with my wife and we had a deep, long discussion. She finally admitted what was going on and told me that my touching her, holding her, kissing her did nothing for her and that the only thing that turns her on is watching videos of animals having sex.. She admitted that the years we were having sex, she would watch videos before we got down to the dark and dirty.
> 
> She says she can orgasm really fast if she watches animal sex videos (that is two animals, not an animal and a human). So I guess I need to get a subscription to Animal Planet or whatever the equivalent is on YouTube. So I guess all my attempts at getting her interested were for naught.
> 
> ...


well then, i guess this is PORN to her!







get a subscription to Discovery Channel+


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Seriously, why not try furry role play?


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

In reply to everyone here who seems to think that women are not affected by ED and accept ED in a mate, I found these on another website I go it. This is just a few, there were a lot more negatives that I didn't copy.:

“_*They say it doesn't matter, being together is enough. But it isn't...I know it...and so does he."*_
*Any woman who has tried to have intercourse with an impotent man can identify with her feelings. It isn't just men who experience frustration and disappointment. Women do too.*

Here is a quote from someone who posted here in this thread.
*"...In the context of marriage, forever. I took vows about for better or worse, in good times & in bad & I am keeping them even though my husband & I haven't had sex in more than 5 years. I stopped counting because it made me too sad. He has ED & then there are these whole over arching psychological things. I'm not leaving. I'm just sad & disappointed...." *

Marriage without sex is like a meal without salt. It is impossible for a woman to be happy and contented with her husband if she realizes that he is impotent..

If he has disclosed his impotence to her before marriage and yet she had agreed and got married to him, which is most unlikely, chances of her surviving the marriage cannot be ruled out.. But if he has concealed and the wife coming to know only after the marriage, and if the deliberate concealment is provable, it is a breach of trust and breach of contract, which is a ground for annulment of marriage., and the guilty husband may attract the punitive provisions of law.

In case of the wife still maintaining the calm and continuing the marriage, then there can be two consequences..


 The husband will always be carrying the guilt in him.. He will not be able to love his wife as a normal husband.. He will not be able to satisfy her physical, mental, emotional and sexual needs.. He will always remain withdrawn..

 The wife will have her emotions going out of control, she may loose interest in her husband, may, most certainly, be drawn towards other men at least later, and may break her marriage with her husband.
Marriage emphasizes life with children. If there are other reasons like accidental or sudden loss of potency due to ill health after marriage one may decide in favor of living with the partner until death do them part . If one is aware of the problem he should part in a dignified manner to let his friend live her life in reality. Sex is a vital aspect of male female relationship in life. Nothing wrong in consulting a doctor to make sure that his potency can be regained or not. If you get a negative answer just part as good friends. He should also realize that he can’t marry any one.

Many may have expected the answer in favor of love alone. We need to understand that male- female magnetism begins purely on physical magnetism. Even an unattractive and incapacitated women marry and live life with great interest after they experience sexual satisfaction and having children. I have seen men without two legs and lackluster personality marrying and living with utmost satisfaction in sexual life with handsome children. There can be couples without children but not without sex. It is nice to hear about sacrificing life for love. But love can not be insensitive to realities.

If we analyze the cause of impotency and other aspects of life it may lead to further complications. As there can not be a normal life. One should not deprive the natural life of the loved one. They need to find out remedies if there is no hope then parting is the best solution.

Sex is an instinct and a basic need. Some can forgo it while others cannot. If you ask me, I cannot. Now if my needs are not met, I am going to be unhappy which I don’t want to be. So if my partner cannot meet my needs, I will have to cater to it myself and when I have my options open, there is no reason why I should be unhappy living with it. My life and I will live it my way and I am the center of focus in my life and the rest are secondary.

Sex is very important in a marriage, make no mistake about it. Absence of sex will only serve for frustration to build up which will find an outlet by making the person cranky, irritable and snappy for no apparent reason. So you may be materialistically happy, but that pang of being unsatisfied will always remain. What you chose to do about it, is your call. If he accepts his impotency, visit a Doc, if he dosent wanna do that, you can try a few self help techniques over the net, depending on the severity of his problem. You said its a love marriage, so he should be trying to love you back too and make you happy. If none of the above works then sadly you dont have much choice, either live with it or walk out. You can of course chose to satisfy yourself sexually with various methods of masturbation, and toys easily available. In the end it all boils down to your choice , sexual wants, and the love between both of you.

No it's like a curse to have an impotent husband or even wife whether it's arranged or a love marriage. Love doesn't happens only from words. It must be conducted too. If your husband/wife says you that he/she loves you very much but never convert it to action then words are useless without actions.

I don't mean to say that only having sex is love rather a impotent husband/wife will don’t want to cuddle hug kiss foreplay also. Which is totally a nightmare for someone. There's 98% chance that the other half will cheat until the both partners are impotent.

Just imagine how it will feel when a husband/wife will hear from there impotent partner in first night of wedding that they hate or don't like these action and feel not comfortable and pushes down his/her partner away?

No love marriage will survive a marriage with impotent. I have heard many cases where wives cheating with there brother-in-law nephew and many more. Why because they unknowingly married impotent man.

A wives of workaholic husband’s cheats so how can impotence's wives can not cheat? Even husband’s of impotent wives also seek intimacy outside the marriage because there wived seems them corpse useless. And no one will be interested to stay in love with the corpse human.

The cure of impotency is there you must seek. consultancy if your partner is suffering it from. It can be cured but never tolerate it if they are not willing to make the cure.

A sexless marriage can do tons of damage to both parties, and is a problem that affects around 10% of all marriages in the US (I will have to find a source for this). You are not wrong in liking him as you are unfulfilled.

Good luck, it's not easy being in your position.

Already you have wasted 10 years. It's a huge investment of time from your part to save your marriage. Still dint work out. Now you like another man and may be want to start a new life with him. Don't delay any longer, speak to your husband and file for a mutual divorce. If not impotency is a ground for divorce.

Physical intimacy is a must in marriage, you have done nothing wrong in liking a different man

As for your being OK which his impotence, my wife’s sister married a guy like that thinking she was OK with it. After a while, her femaleness asserted itself and she was NOT OK with it.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

After reading all the comments I almost decided to stop the T shots and then I came across an article that gave the dangers of low T. I copied them down and this is what low T causes.

1. low testosterone will in time cause damage to the heart.
2. Low testosterone in men also can cause type 2 diabetes and metabolic syndrome
3. Much Lower Energy and Stamina
4. Lack of Sexual Drive and Desire
5. Loss of Memory and Focus
6. Muscle Weakness
7. High Cholesterol
8. Mood Disorders
9. Depression
10. Hair Loss
11. Non-Productive, sudden rise of Belly Fat
12. Workouts in the Gym are not productive with low Testosterone.
13. Low Testosterone causes a reduction in muscle mass and impedes muscle growth
14. Low Testosterone can be the cause of both Hyperlipidemia (high body fat) and Inflammation
15. testosterone treatment protocol show strong evidence that testosterone is very beneficial to:

keeping youthful Veins and Arteries 

reduce angina (pain around the heart) 

reduce peripheral vascular disease. 
So now I am trying to decide if lowering or going off the shots is worth it.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

I just had a Teleconference with the Nurse Practitioner I see at the Office that does my T Rx. I asked her about the 1000 T level and she said that yes it will be high but only for a few days and then goes down quickly. If I were to be tested later in the week, it would be a lot lower so there is nothing to worry about. So no problem. Man that Nurse Practitioner is HOT... Anyway so guess I can continue my shots. As an update, I have stopped bugging my wife about sex and stuff and have left her alone. So she is happy about that. She saw an advertisement for "Magic Mike" show and for some reason wants me to take her to one of the shows or "Thunder Down Under" which is similar to MM...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Sporelady said:


> My husband has a nasty skin rash recently and *it was the side effect of statin.*
> I did not know that statin which lowers cholesterol, also lowers testosterone, in fact a quarter of men who take statin develop ED even at very low dosage.
> Absolutely shocking when there are other safer ways of lowering cholesterol, eg., taking Benecol, changing diet.
> I suppose the pharmaceutical companies want to make money by selling the solution (ie the blue pills) to the ED problem they created in the first place.


a little off topic, but many people who take statins do not realize the side effects. One BIG effect is that the statin also stops the body from naturally producing CoQ10. CoQ10 is a substance that your body needs for all sorts of things, like muscle function. So most people who take a statin also need to take CoQ10 supplements too, or they just lie around tired everyday.


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