# Boundaries: I "feel bad" for telling someone to back off!



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

H and I have a single male "friend," more like an acquaintance whom we hang out with occasionally. We see him at church and go out for drinks.
Last time we were at a bar with him, he reached over, grabbed my waist and commented how thin I am.
I was like "hey, whoa, back off" semi-laughing but sent the message that I didn't really want to be grabbed and tickled by him.

Today we saw him again at an event, stopped to chat.
He did it AGAIN.
I moved away from him and said "HEY, last time you were drinking, whats your excuse this time?"
He was visibly embarrassed, said "I wasn't drinking that much, only had one beer that night," and slinked off.

Call me a prude, but I only want to be surprised with a waist-grab by my husband.

But here's this personality trait I have, that I've ALWAYS had:
I felt BAD for calling him out, making him feel bad/embarrassed/chagrined, even though I wasn't mean about it, even though I have every right to draw and communicate a personal appropriate boundary.

So while I'm irritated and pissed at this dude's brazen behavior toward ME, I still wouldn't want to make HIM feel uncomfortable.
Back in high school and college, I would always be nice, polite, sweet, to protect other people's feelings, even if they did something to make me feel uncomfortable.
I'd rather be uncomfortable than let someone else feel it, and then I would feel responsible for THEIR feelings--of discomfort, ease, whatever.

So, 
1. My friendliness/politeness was always misconstrued as romantic interest, so I'd eventually be perceived as "leading someone on," or
2. I'd allow my boundaries to be crossed.
Or both.

This has always been part of my personality, but I'm at the point where I want to grow and enforce healthy boundaries for myself free of guilt or self-imposed responsibility for other people's feelings.
Something tells me that's a long road, and I honestly don't know if I can or even should change it entirely.
It is deeply ingrained in me--beliefs, behaviors, emotions--to feel somewhat responsible for AND empathetic to others, *even if they do something to me.*

Can anyone relate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Almost. I wanted to tell you to give yourself a coupla decades, since I don't know how old you are...but that might not be true after all. I used to be just like you. 

I've changed so much though. Like yourself, I don't like someone putting their hands on me uninvited. Unlike yourself, I don't feel badly anymore calling them out on their behavior. You were a lot nicer than I would have been. I would have simply told him I do not appreciate uninvited physical attentions, and to please not do it again. Continued "infractions" will result in getting your hand bitten off. 

I just don't care so much anymore if someone insists on treating me a certain way, and then can't take a hint when I'm trying to be nice about it the first time. The first time is all they get.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

A man grabbing another mans wife is QUITE a serious thing.

You half-laughing made it seem like you liked it.
You should immediately tell your husband.

If I saw a man do that, I would immediately knock him on his ass.
This is not a small thing here.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MM, based on quite a few of your posts, I would be happy to be more like you as I grow!

I'm 30. I was a lot more direct than I wouldve been years ago. 
Years ago I wouldve giggled and maybe *implied* that he back off, but wouldn't have been direct.
Maybe in a few years I won't be even that kind.

Truth is, I don't have this issue across the board.
I don't have a problem being honest if I disagree with someone, and don't have a problem standing up for myself and my opinions.

It's only ever been with guys, flirting, touching, stuff like this.
I guess this dumb thing today reminded me of my pre-husband stuff, and got me thinking about my boundaries with men... 
(the most important one being the man I married)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

bluesky said:


> A man grabbing another mans wife is QUITE a serious thing.
> 
> You half-laughing made it seem like you liked it.
> You should immediately tell your husband.
> ...


my H didn't see it.
The first time, I laughed. Today, not so much.
I told my H about it, he wasn't happy but I told him I handled it myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Unfortunately there are men who don't get hints. And they take the smiling and laughing as a green light. The woman saying "no" not really meaning "no", kwim? Your whole body language has to be saying no, not just your mouth. Your face, your actions..all of it. He has to SEE a clear, concise message that NO is exactly what you mean, and there is no room for him mistaking that you might mean something different. 

Don't feel bad. Just let him have it the next time, if there is one..lol!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i think you did good. if you dont want someone to touch you, say so. in my mind, once you touch a saftey zone, you want to keep on pushing the boundries.

if i didnt go in for the hug, then keep ya paws off!!!! 


i too feel bad if i was mean to someone, but if its my body then, my say so. there is nothing to be ashamed of.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I can relate totally. I almost got an ex into a fight with another guy years ago because of a similar thing- and this ex was THE most placid, nice, laid back guy ever. Of course, it was the other guy who was seen as inappropriate (truth be told he was doing it to get a rise and I wasn't clear enough to get him to back off) but I knew it was also my fault for not clearly outlining my boundaries.

I still have difficulties with it now, but during my most recent pregnancy I had real issues with people feeling my bump was public property like a lot of people do, they want to stroke and pat it, which I can't stand and that drove me to really being able to outline my boundaries regarding that.

For me I think it's the act of confrontation I have difficulty with, and that's in a lot of circumstances, and I still need to work through that as I'm not happy with not being able to speak up always when I need to.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

This man is hittin on you. He let you know he knew what he was doing when he said that he had only one drink, indicating he was not drunk, and knew what he was doing.
He will do it again. Don't feel bad about his feelings. He sure isn't thinking about his friends feelings as he's making moves on his wife.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

4sure said:


> This man is hittin on you. He let you know he knew what he was doing when he said that he had only one drink, indicating he was not drunk, and knew what he was doing.
> He will do it again. Don't feel bad about his feelings. He sure isn't thinking about his friends feelings as he's making moves on his wife.


I know it's not cool for him to do that.

I also know I happen to have this personality trait that I give a crap about other people's feelings even when THEY disregard mine/my husband's. 

Crazy? Sure, maybe. 
That's why I'm posting this "why do I care?" thread.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I know it's not cool for him to do that.
> 
> I also know I happen to have this personality trait that I give a crap about other people's feelings even when THEY disregard mine/my husband's.
> 
> ...


I have a feeling you will be finding out.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Ha, the only reason you feel bad is that you are new to it. I remember those days! Keep doing it, and even if you feel bad, remember you have every right to enforce your boundaries, pursue your dreams, whatever. Don't apologize, don't dwell. It will get easier with age and experience. I think women in general have a tendency to have more trouble with this b/c we have so often been raised to be "good girls" and not make a fuss. Assertiveness training is GREAT for this, too. And keep doing it. Really, the guilt about it will disappear. Good luck.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

I think you did very well - not mean or nasty and when he did it a second time, you were more serious without being nasty.
It's good you told you H after the second time because this guy want's sex from you. Your H should take the lead now and should it look like this may happen again, he should make it clear to the friend that he is not to touch you. You should also refrain from friendly contact after this. No hugs, etc.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> my H didn't see it.
> The first time, I laughed. Today, not so much.
> I told my H about it, he wasn't happy but I told him I handled it myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Creda,

I think that you handled it well. The key thing this that you directly addressed it AND told your husband. I don't suspect that this guy will be "friendly" with you much longer, especially if he gets an inkling that your hubby knows. Also, do not be too hard on yourself. Some guys (and people) will misconstrue any response short of you screaming, "Get your hands off of me!!" as you being receptive.

My hope is that this guy does not approach again because most men that I know would response with something besides a verbal back and forth should anything happen again. The guy is disrespectful and needs to fully understand the consequences of his actions.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

tobio said:


> I still have difficulties with it now, but during my most recent pregnancy I had real issues with people feeling my bump was public property like a lot of people do, they want to stroke and pat it, which I can't stand and that drove me to really being able to outline my boundaries regarding that.
> 
> 
> i hated when someone tried to touch mine...esp., when they found out it was 3...they wanted to touch each one, i was in pain and it hurt to wear a shirt, and i had a hard time at the obgyn and that little wand...it hurt soooo much.
> ...


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