# Marriage with no or very little sex



## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

How many others out there?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

we go through times of lack or little sex. i think for us (H and I )its whats going on in the relationship at the time. but i couldnt go without it on a lengthy basis (I'D GO NUTS).


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> How many others out there?


Hear, hear. No sex in 5 years. FIVE YEARS.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Oh dear. Thats not good. Do you ever think of ending the relationship or are the other parts of the marriage making up for it?


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

I am torn. 

First, when the intimacy stopped I went through the "I must not be attracting him" phase and put it all on me. My self esteem suffered greatly. Was I not thin enough or pretty enough or what?

Then I got past that, and reminded myself that I am an attractive, sensual woman and this was ridiculous. I became angry. I confronted him and he said it wasn't me, it was him. He was so stressed out from his job and he just had no desire...with me or with anyone. Ok. I'll buy that. 

He changed jobs. No sex. Then I heard it was a combo of his blood pressure and low thyroid meds. Ok. I'll buy that. Poor guy.

He got healthier and went off the meds. Still no sex.

So yeah. In the meantime, my weight shot up and I went on anxiety medication. I got to the point where I said enough was enough.......and decided to get ME back.

Now I am not as heavy, I am off all medication, and I am happy with myself. I discovered that I was experiencing anxiety over having to hold in my want and need to be desired, to be wanted, to be touched. It is a basic human need to feel affection. I needed that.

I tried talking to my husband again. He gets very defensive. He refuses to talk to a doctor. He won't go to counseling. He says if I need it that bad then maybe I shouldn't be married to him. He says he just doesn't need it anymore, and doesn't seem concerned that I do. 

My husband is great with the kids, works hard, is very nice to me, gives me my space, doesn't beat me, is not an alcoholic, and is nice to my parents and our pets. So here I stay......but I have resorted to finding affection elsewhere. I do not advocate cheating, but for me, once I "broke that seal", I felt human again. I could breathe. I could smile sincerely at people. I felt alive again.

So the big question is how long to I want this to go on? Can I live with life like this indefinitely? Do I deserve more? There are many women that would say be happy with what I have because their husbands are not so nice, but my perception is that I am not being given the opportunity to be the wife I want and need to be, and that although he is a very nice man, he is also very selfish to ignore my needs and only worry about what he wants or doesn't want.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

he needs to see your family doctor. i don't know his age (obviously) but i'm gonna make an assumption. he suffers from Erectile Dysfunction. it is embarrassing, especially for a married man who is expected to provide sex for his wife. his embarrassment may affect him psychologically along with his physical E. D. ask him gently if that might be the case, then encourage him to see the doc. there are things available.


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

He does not suffer from erectile dysfunction. How I know this is that he has told me in the past if I really really really have to "have" it, I can initiate. He has always been able to stay erect, for a very long time too.....he has just never been able to "finish" for me unless oral sex is involved. No.....he has no trouble getting erect. Just chooses not to.

I tried to get him to go talk to a doctor about the loss of his drive, and he refused.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

goodintent65-

I would probably do the same in your position. I would not do it in secret, but nor would "I rub it in". The marriage contract includes the expectation of regular sex. If it ain't there (and after 5 years it ain't), then in my book, the contract is broken.

You are one of the sensible people who has realised that you don't need to go on a sexual starvation diet, just because your husband is on one. He does not get to choose whether you have sex or not for the rest of your life. Good for you.

So many people hang on in your situation, when in plain fact, it sheer unadulterated co-dependency.

It is interesting however, that he said he would "do it" if you absolutly had to have it. I am surprised you did not take up this offer occasionally out of curiosity or even sexual frustration. I would have tried to get him used to regular sex in this way if I had been in your place, just to see if it worked. I would be interested to here your response to this.

Does he know you are getting it elsewhere?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

making love to my husband gets better every time. sex porn affairs mean nothing its holding your partner close exploring each other being together WORKING AT MAKING THINGS GOOD AND DIFFERENT and come on some times a cuddle is all thats needed


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

MarkTwain,

I was thinking after I responded with the concept that he would give it to me if I really needed it....that people would respond wondering why I didn't take him up on it. I will try to share and get across why I haven't.

First of all, it is not the sexual act I need and miss. It is the close contact and the feeling of desire that I miss. If I just want to have an orgasm, I can give that to myself, and often do. lol I, being the woman that I am, need to feel that I am truly wanted. I do not want pity sex. I do not want obligatory sex. 

Secondly, there was a circumstance right before the sex ended where we had slowed to almost nothing. It was my birthday. and he hadn't touched me for months at that point. He rolled over and made a comment to me the morning of my birthday, basically stating he was "going to throw me a bone" so to speak, since it was my birthday. I don't think I could have felt more unloved, more cheap, more unattractive.....if he had called me a *****. It was the way he said it. I spent the better part of that day angry and in tears, and I told him why. I'm sure he felt he was in a no-win situation at that point, and possibly he was afraid to approach me going forward.

With this in mind, I spent countless months assuring him I was in love with him and I desired him to desire me. He would just shrug. At that point, I entered my 'enough was enough' state of mind. 

I watched my Mom live in a marriage devoid of touch with my Father......she has not has sex since she was 35 years old and she is now 73. Bitter, bitter woman. I refuse to be that woman.


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> making love to my husband gets better every time. sex porn affairs mean nothing its holding your partner close exploring each other being together WORKING AT MAKING THINGS GOOD AND DIFFERENT and come on some times a cuddle is all thats needed


You are a very fortunate woman that you are not in that position. Many blessings to you!  Cuddling iS wonderful.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

goodintent65-

Your's is a very interesting story. It is interesting that your mother also chose a man who would go on to let her down in the same way.

I want to commend you for taking control of you life.


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

Thank you. It was not how I imagined it would be, but I need to try and keep a stable, secure place for the kids. Once their lives are secure and they are on their way (my son is in college and works full time so he is still at home and my daughter is almost 16), then I might reassess.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

goodintent65-

If the youngest is 16, that day must be fast approaching. It sounds to me like you might be procrastinating for one reason or another.


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

No, actually I am staying put for her sake. She and I are very close and I have been her advocate through some trying situations. I will get her through high school and onto college or whatever she chooses to do, and then I will make some decisions at that time if my husband is still unwilling to work on the problem.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I am just curious but does your H know you are having an affair/s? 

*if you are not having an affair, and i read that wrong, then i apologize.


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I am just curious but does your H know you are having an affair/s?
> 
> *if you are not having an affair, and i read that wrong, then i apologize.


He doesn't know, or if he does, he show it. I am not one to flaunt anything either. The "friends" I have met, most often, are in the same situation I am in. We have an understanding in our friendship that we are not going to do anything to hurt the other or jeopardize each others home life. I am not gone very often and if so, not very long. Every once in a while I will be gone overnight but he thinks I am gone with my lady friends.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

goodintent65 said:


> ..but I have resorted to finding affection elsewhere. I do not advocate cheating, but for me, once I "broke that seal", I felt human again. I could breathe. I could smile sincerely at people. I felt alive again.


okay, so what exactly does this mean???

your previous post above sounds like double-talk.


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

voivod said:


> okay, so what exactly does this mean???
> 
> your previous post above sounds like double-talk.


What it means is that I don't advocate cheating just to cheat on your spouse. FOR ME, living in a marriage with no affection whatsoever it was another story. If my husband and I were having intimacy, GENUINE, not forced......this would be a mute point.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

goodintent65 said:


> What it means is that I don't advocate cheating just to cheat on your spouse. FOR ME, living in a marriage with no affection whatsoever it was another story. If my husband and I were having intimacy, GENUINE, not forced......this would be a mute point.


okay, so you're having sex with someone else? yes or no?

or you did, and not any more?

no more double talk.


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

voivod said:


> okay, so you're having sex with someone else? yes or no?
> 
> or you did, and not any more?
> 
> no more double talk.


It's not double talk. I have and I still do. Just not continually. On an "as needed" basis.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

goodintent65 said:


> It's not double talk. I have and I still do. Just not continually. On an "as needed" basis.


so what do you want here? to find others cheating on their partner to validate your infidelity? you're getting what you want, isn't that enough for you?


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

I responded to the OP who asked if there were any other people out there who had a marriage with little or no sex in it.

What is your problem? If you don't like the topic, then go to another one. Unless you walk in someone else's shoes, don't judge.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

goodintent65 said:


> I responded to the OP who asked if there were any other people out there who had a marriage with little or no sex in it.
> 
> What is your problem? If you don't like the topic, then go to another one. Unless you walk in someone else's shoes, don't judge.


my problem is your offhanded attitude about adultery. and if you don't like my response, maybe you're supposed to be offended by my response.

walk in someone else's shoes???? to have an opinion about adultery???? what planet are you living on????


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

voivod said:


> my problem is your offhanded attitude about adultery. and if you don't like my response, maybe you're supposed to be offended by my response.
> 
> walk in someone else's shoes???? to have an opinion about adultery???? what planet are you living on????


If you lived in marriage where your husband did not touch you for 5 years, then we'd talk about it. I stay where I do for now for my kids.....and I would give anything to make love to my husband and have him desire it. 

Regardless, I don't appreciate the attack. I am a nice person and don't give in to it. I wanted to reassure the OP she was not alone and I have done that. You can be holier than thou with someone else. Have a great day.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

goodintent65 said:


> If you lived in marriage where your husband did not touch you for 5 years, then we'd talk about it. I stay where I do for now for my kids.....and I would give anything to make love to my husband and have him desire it.
> 
> Regardless, I don't appreciate the attack. I am a nice person and don't give in to it. I wanted to reassure the OP she was not alone and I have done that. You can be holier than thou with someone else. Have a great day.


oh, in that case, i'm really sorry.:lol:


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

voivod said:


> oh, in that case, i'm really sorry.:lol:


Yeah, you really are.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

*voivod-*

Now say sorry properly, you big bully, but read the whole thread first!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> *voivod-*
> 
> Now say sorry properly, you big bully, but read the whole thread first!


?????? what????????

i was one of the first on board with her, suggesting her husband possibly had E. D. but i'm not giving a free pass to someone who can justify adultery so offhandedly. regardless of the title of the thread. just because it happens doesn't make it right.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I agree with voivod on this. There is no reason to justify cheating, emotional or physical on your partner. The more you do the less affection you give and the less you will get back. If she gave more affection maybe she'd get more in return. Maybe, her communication isn't good enough if that was the issue. There is no reason for putting your partner in a medical Russian rulette. Let alone the mental state he might go in if he was to find out. The damage cold be severe.

She is at the very least honest, but that alone does no justice to Adultery.

draconis


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

But of course. It must be my fault. I was not attractive enough, or loving enough, or a good enough wife. Is that what your saying? It COULDN'T be the fault of the partner who is withholding their affection. Changing the rules in the middle of the game. Nope. Never. 

Pathetic.

Many husbands and wives stay married for the sake of their children. It does not make us perfect. It makes us human.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

goodintent65 said:


> But of course. It must be my fault. I was not attractive enough, or loving enough, or a good enough wife. Is that what your saying? It COULDN'T be the fault of the partner who is withholding their affection. Changing the rules in the middle of the game. Nope. Never.
> 
> Pathetic.
> 
> Many husbands and wives stay married for the sake of their children. It does not make us perfect. It makes us human.


If you think that cheating is justifable you are wrong. If you had an issue it is your responcibility to address the issue. To communicate the problem. Your cheating and continued affairs might hurt his health. You can KILL your husband by your actions. What a motherly thing to do.

draconis


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

draconis said:


> If you think that cheating is justifable you are wrong. If you had an issue it is your responcibility to address the issue. To communicate the problem. Your cheating and continued affairs might hurt his health. You can KILL your husband by your actions. What a motherly thing to do.
> 
> draconis


First of all, I am not his mother. Secondly, you are assuming that the issue has never been addressed. It has, as much as he will allow me to address it. He is prideful and refuses to go to a doctor, or a couselor, or seek help. Just expects me to be ok with his decision to withhold affection from his wife. 

He knows the score. He is a big boy.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

goodintent65 said:


> First of all, I am not his mother. Secondly, you are assuming that the issue has never been addressed. It has, as much as he will allow me to address it. He is prideful and refuses to go to a doctor, or a couselor, or seek help. Just expects me to be ok with his decision to withhold affection from his wife.
> 
> He knows the score. He is a big boy.


i have yet to see you present a rational excuse for adultery. your lame "he knows the score" attitude shows the real immaturity involved in your actions.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

goodintent65 said:


> First of all, I am not his mother. Secondly, you are assuming that the issue has never been addressed. It has, as much as he will allow me to address it. He is prideful and refuses to go to a doctor, or a couselor, or seek help. Just expects me to be ok with his decision to withhold affection from his wife.
> 
> He knows the score. He is a big boy.


I wans't saying you where his mother I was saying by example you are a selfish person and your kids deserve better than the way you treat their father.

Cheating is a selfish act.

If you can't live without it, get a divorce. Or learn to communicate.

draconis


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

hey!

@ draconis:

I understand your opinion... I don't think that cheating makes anything better, (instead of her ORGASM or kind of beeing LOVED ) BUT I think that it's unfair to tell her that the communication is bad to her husband... I see it in my marriage... I always talk about every problem... maybe sometimes too much and my husband always listens but at the end he does what he wants and not what I prefer... So than I'm a bad communicater , as well?? 
NO! I know that I can talk to people, BUT in this case they are selfish , too.... Like her husband. And so he is playing with her feelings, too...
So I think that you are wrong to tell GOODINTENT65 that her communication is bad... I mean you are not there and did never watch them talking I guess...

I just think they should get divorced...
Or they should speak up to say that they are inofficial seperate... just for themselfes so the kids are not going to see anything... I mean love from each other is anyways anymore...

So what kind of marriage is that... she cheats, he knows and doesn't change anything...?? He doesn't leave her and he still doesn't show her love...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

draconis said:


> I wans't saying you where his mother I was saying by example you are a selfish person and your kids deserve better than the way you treat their father.
> 
> Cheating is a selfish act.
> 
> ...


Got to say I agree with draconis here.

Whatever the reason, cheating is not on. If there are huge problems in the relationship that cant be fixed, then get a divorce. Then you're free to seek whatever you want from someone else not before just because its convenient to stay married.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

italiana86 said:


> hey!
> 
> @ draconis:
> 
> ...


First off two wrongs don't make a right. 

Second, italiana86 you don't know that she didn't cause her own issues, further she is endangering her husband with her actions.

Third, It is selfish, she is selfish.

Fourth, No one is forcing her to stay in the marriage. If she wants out than leave. Some children are more scarred by parents staying together in a violitile or loveless marriage.

draconis


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I think Goodintent knows how to find what she wants/needs. And is going for it. 

Her H is an idiot. 

I do, however, think that they should divorce. It isn't right for the family to have to go through this scenario. 

Just tell the kids that H&W have grown apart (that's what I told my kids, because it was true) and then separate. 

I never cheated but once separated (knowing a divorce was ultimately in the works), had time with friends which eventually turned into intimacy.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

draconis said:


> If you think that cheating is justifable you are wrong. If you had an issue it is your responcibility to address the issue. To communicate the problem. Your cheating and continued affairs might hurt his health. You can KILL your husband by your actions. What a motherly thing to do.
> 
> draconis


What are you saying? If they don't have sex, how can hubby ever catch anything from her? People have been far to quick to moralise on this thread, without considering all the points raised.

In particular Darconis, you have stated many times that you don't need sex, that you do it mostly for your wife. I commend you. But for people like me, who would not want to be in this world without sex, sex matters. And you totally seem to be missing that depth of feeling.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I've been in a sex starved marriage so i know what can do to a person. but i dont think it ever justifies lying.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

dcrim said:


> I think Goodintent knows how to find what she wants/needs. And is going for it.


i want and need a lot of things. i know there's a right and a wrong way to get them.



dcrim said:


> Her H is an idiot.


if you believe an adultresses words, maybe he is. consider the source.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

psychocandy said:


> How many others out there?


I Live In a Sexless Marriage | An Anonymous Group with Personal Stories, Support Forums, Quizzes, News & Help. Group Discussion & Advice.


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## brokenspirit (Feb 16, 2009)

Ok, I'm going to respond to the poster's question. There are many times when my husband and I don't have sex. The longest has been 7 months. He feels like he's failing as a man because he can't please me like he used to. He has high blood pressure and his meds affect his performance. I told him to go to the doctor and try switching to another blood pressure med that doesn't affect his performance. He hates doctors. He's also upset because he borrowed a Cial*s from an older gentleman from his job and the sex was great for me, but he felt like he was going to have a heart attack. He feels like I'm attracted to the pill and not him. I don't know what to do. I can't live like this.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

brokenspirit said:


> Ok, I'm going to respond to the poster's question. There are many times when my husband and I don't have sex. The longest has been 7 months. He feels like he's failing as a man because he can't please me like he used to. He has high blood pressure and his meds affect his performance. I told him to go to the doctor and try switching to another blood pressure med that doesn't affect his performance. He hates doctors. He's also upset because he borrowed a Cial*s from an older gentleman from his job and the sex was great for me, but he felt like he was going to have a heart attack. He feels like I'm attracted to the pill and not him. I don't know what to do. I can't live like this.


Why can't he use his fingers on you?


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## brokenspirit (Feb 16, 2009)

He does, but I don't think he knows what he's doing. LOL He wants to use the real thing. He would also be offended if I bought a vibrator into the picture. He feels like he's competing with a machine. My husband can be very old fashioned at times.


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