# I feel stuck in my marriage/I never wanted to be married in the first place



## glockenboam (Mar 7, 2012)

me: mid-twenty-something female
husband: mid-twenty-something male

I've been married almost 24 months and I am increasingly distressed, bored and disillusioned with marriage. Although I adore, love and cherish my partner, I feel angry about how stuck I am. Part of me wants to leave or 'take a break' but mostly I am afraid to loose him. 

The main things which bug me are as follows:

One, we aren't the same religion, and our values conflict. I don't want kids, he does. I am new-age, he is evangelical. I am bi-sexual, he is straight. All of this really stems back to our religion and what we believe/accept. I know what you are saying..._'woa, you are so different, how did you ever think this would work?' _but to backtrack, he and I get along great in every other department. We grew up together, we were friends, lovers, took a break, got back together. It just seemed like it would work. I guess you could say I couldn't see my life without him or visa versa. I guess I never imagined that an inter-faith marriage would be so difficult. I am trying to be part of the new-age (as he calls it 'hippie') community and he won't go to church without me, so he just stays at home with Call of War. It feels dismal and doomed. 

2) I am resentful because I feel that I was pressured into marriage. Yep. We both wanted commitment, but because of my values a 'forever and ever' marriage seemed ridiculous to me. Also, I feel that he did it for his family and because he didn't want to have sex outside of that kind of commitment. I was afraid to loose him, so I said yes and we had our white wedding, but looking back I am so pissed. I wasn't ready to settle down, collect dishes and be a wife. I wanted a longer courtship, I wanted to live together first, as bf/gf and enjoy each other. Instead, I feel like we dove headlong into marriage because of familial expectation and now sitting in the marital doldrums called 'boredom.' I want to go back in time reverse the decision. Instead, now I feel stuck and bored, which makes me resentful and more bored and more angst-y. 

3) We have nothing to do together, as a team or a couple. We got together because of our minds. Literally. We both love to think about the same things, but when it comes to doing stuff we could be living on different planets. I don't want kids and he doesn't want them right now, either, so the idea of parenthood doesn't bring us together. We're relatively young and have tossed out ideas of travel, adventure, the works but for the most part he's perfectly content to play Call of War 24/7 and I feel like only sex and a few, scant mutual friends keep us connected. 

It's two years into the marriage and if this is the re-play of the next six, I want out. I love him, I really do. The only reason I agreed to marry him is because I didn't want to loose him and the only reason I don't want divorce is because he's a gem. I just feel that we have totally different values that make a lack of connection. It's gotten to the point that I dream of other people, not because he isn't satisfying in the bedroom (he is great in the bedroom) but because I just feel...empty, neglected, bored, stagnant, alone? I can't explain it. I feel STUCK. I feel like the only reason he's with me is because well, he's married to me. 

I also feel like he doesn't open up to me. Of the two of us, I am the more verbal and emotionally demanding. When we got married I was going through a rough time and for the first 9 months my crisis dominated our marriage. I fear that my angst sapped the life out of him and to this day I bitterly reproach myself for it. I've tried to get stronger on my own (see a therapist, develop a network of friends/support group etc) but even though I am not using him as my sole "emotional safety net" I feel completely cut out of his life. He told me the other day he's just "given up the things he's cared about" because he knows I won't/can't do them (have kids, go to church). He says he's satisfied with the relationship but I feel like he's just decided to forfeit his dreams to make it work. When I think about it I feel, frustrated, guilty and depressed all at once. I feel stuck, but he probably feels doubly stuck, though he's just being too good to admit it or complain. 

I guess the biggest angst for me is that while I am here, complaining about this during the wee hours of the morning, he's just kicked back in bed, totally chilled out. It makes me feel like I am just being a whiner, but I can't help but feel that SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP. I feel like if we don't do something or resolve whatever stagnancy is happening, it will quickly unravel. 

Part of my frustration is that I also have no-one else to talk to about this. Most of our friends our christian, and therefore tote the "in it for life line." 

I feel increasingly unsettled, even depressed and sad...
help,


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

I can relate to your situation as my wife is Jewish and I am quite "new age". The conflicts between beliefs and some activities related to them have been the biggest challenge in our relationship.

How we handled these differences: 

We both made an effort to think and put down in writing what was important for us in a relationship and why. Than we sat down and explained it to each other. We helped each other understand our thinking and desires. The tone needs to be cooperative, the heart and the mind needs to be open. With that the discussion progressed to how can we elegantly fulfill our dreams and desires in our committed relationship. 

One of the most important baselines we achieved is an understanding and appreciation of the other person. Initially our differences made us fight but with understanding and respect we learned from each other. 

Regarding him opening up emmotionally: 

This is a very common complaint in relationships and it usually means that none of you have training in how to properly communicate with the opposite sex and what to expect. You expect him to open up like a woman would. 

In order to improve your situation I suggest a 2 step process:

- both you and your partner need to get informed on the critical skills necessary to build a healthy long term relationship. You need a license to drive a car, what are you doing driving a relationship without a license? Instinct leads you to misunderstandings that lead to the problems above.

- to bring about positive long term changes you need to practice the skills you learned to form the habits to sustain them. Understanding is not enough, you need diligent long term practice till it becomes habitual. Similarly to going to the gym.

To get started with understanding I highly recommend the material "John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there you will find a wealth of good information.

Regarding your complaint about fun activities:

- in the book above you will find a great technique on how to positively motivate your partner to do more things for you

- please keep in mind that as a partner in this relationship you are responsible for your own happiness. The most your partner can do for you and the most you can do for your partner is provide an environment where being happy is easy but you cannot yourself manufacture happiness in others nor should you place the responsibility of your happiness on others. 

Simply put take responsibility for your boredom and address it. Get creative and active and you will find so many fulfilling fun activities that you can do and he may join if he wants to.

Regarding giving up desires and dreams: 

- this is a very important aspect in a balanced relationship. I strongly recommend you openly and cooperatively talk about it and discuss a path that you both agree on.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

My husband and I also have different religious backgrounds and practices. He's basically agnostic/free-thinking, but from a Catholic background and culture; while I'm a Pagan, daughter of a Jewish mother and Protestant father. Like your husband about you (and perhaps you with your husband), I had hopes he would 'join me' in my religious expression - after all we married in a Pagan ceremony - but he didn't, and doesn't feel inclined to. At that point, I had two choices: give it up and feel something was missing; or continue my practice without him. I took the second option and as a result, I feel a lot of spiritual support in dealing with the challenges of life (and at the moment, they are many, as we are separated by force of circumstance/visa issues). He supports and accepts my path and I'm grateful for that - I in turn accept not to 'convert him'. Of course I'd prefer it if he joined in! But it's a personal thing. 

Reading your post, I'm curious that a man who calls himself evangelical stops going to church because his partner isn't a church-goer. It seems very odd. Isn't a relationship with Jesus a personal one? Perhaps you can ask him that. 

Neither of you sound very happy, and to me, as an outsider, it seems because you are neither of you doing what your hearts want you to do - whether or not your partner joins in. Of course you're bored! Go out and do something that fills you with joy and life! It will encourage him to do the same. And you will have far more fun when you are together if you come from a position of joy and love of life. If he won't take the initiative to do it for himself, you can still do it for yourself, and encourage him in turn. Joy is communicative. 

In parallel to you both doing what fulfils you personally, you need to develop some 'us-time' together - regular date nights; one day per weekend when you take up something together you agree upon (anything - go for a walk together, or cook, or play badminton, or go to the movies, or dancing - an activity you can both agree upon.); cook a great meal and eat by candlelight once a week; choose a tv show you both like and cuddle up together to watch it. 

Marriage isn't all champagne and roses, but there's no reason why it should only be tea and potatoes either. It needs imagination to give wings to love.

Hazel


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your problem isn't where you think it is. It is within you. I highly suggest you seek counseling to figure out why you behave and think the way you do. Blaming someone else for YOUR unhappiness, boredom, depression won't solve your problems. YOU have to own that.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Your problem isn't where you think it is. It is within you. I highly suggest you seek counseling to figure out why you behave and think the way you do. Blaming someone else for YOUR unhappiness, boredom, depression won't solve your problems. YOU have to own that.


I agree. You are blaming a lot of other people for your unhappiness.

Do your husband a favor and leave him. I don't know when my wife fell out of love with me. She may never have loved me. But I didn't figure it out until I was almost 50 and had three teen/preteen kids. It's too late for me now. I am not going to break up my family because I'm not loved. I will spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't love me. Doesn't desire me. Doesn't want to kiss me. Oh, she'll let me have sex with her, but after a few times of it feeling like rape, I kind of lost the mood, so I'm sexless as well.

I die just a little bit every night when she comes to bed and immediately turns her back to me with barely a "goodnight". Sometimes I don't even get that.

Leave him. I don't care about your happiness. You made your bed. Do HIM the biggest favor of his life and leave him. If my wife left me after 2 years of marriage it would have DEVASTATED me. But I'd be with someone who loves me now and my kids would be in a happy marriage.

But you won't leave him. Not until you find someone else first, anyhow. So at least don't bring kids into this mess. Please. For SOCIETY as well as them.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I agree with the other posters, especially about not bringing kids into the situation.

If you guys bonded over your 9 month crisis, the relationship may seem quite a bit different once the crisis is over. You are not the same person, and neither is he. He's been by your side when you needed him - try not to let the depression cloud how you view him. Something to consider.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

If you want to carry on being married and happy you will just have to give in to him. That also means joining his religion. Is it that bad.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

accept said:


> If you want to carry on being married and happy you will just have to give in to him. That also means joining his religion. Is it that bad.


Choice of religion is a personal thing. It would be very hypocritical to go to a place of worship without faith in that religion. 

I am the daughter of 2 people who had different religions and views on religion. My father is the son of a Protestant pastor, and goes to church when he feels like it. My mother is a non-religious Jew who never sets foot in a place of worship unless it's for a wedding or a funeral. They have respect and love for each other. Same with my husband and I, who don't share the same religious outlook. There are many ways to give to one's spouse without compromising our own personal religion and values.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Your parents may call themselves as part of different religions but since they dont seem to be practicing too much it wont make much difference. You dont tell us whose religion you adopted and why.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

I do, in a post above ^^^ 

My father practices his religion, but my mother does not practice hers, although she's always lit the candles on Fridays. Judaism is very cultural, and that's more important to her, but not at all to my father. My sisters follow the Jewish religion and one of them also married a Protestant man. They have reached a modus vivendi and their children are brought up knowing both, but left free to choose their own path, as my sisters and I were. Respect is the real value here - respect for the other and support for their religious/spiritual path. It can be done


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

accept said:


> If you want to carry on being married and happy you will just have to give in to him. That also means joining his religion. Is it that bad.


Yes, it is "That Bad".

Hey y`know what?

He could give in to her just as well and abandon his faith while embracing hers.

OP, you should really get out of this mess before you accidentally have kids.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I suppose a bit of candle lighting once a week cant go amiss. I wouldnt call that being religious or even being part of a religion. For two people married to each other and both practicing different religions just doesnt work. I dont see the difference between all these religions and cant understand why cant one just change and hop from one to another.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

accept said:


> I suppose a bit of candle lighting once a week cant go amiss. I wouldnt call that being religious or even being part of a religion. For two people married to each other and both practicing different religions just doesnt work. I dont see the difference between all these religions and cant understand why cant one just change and hop from one to another.


You obviously missed the part where I wrote my sister is Jewish and her husband Protestant and both practice. They have been married 17 years and have 2 well-adjusted teens 

My hubby and I don't practice the same religion and it's not an issue between us. 

It's only an issue for people who don't respect the other's feelings and path, who want to control the other. But in a respectful partnership, it can be worked perfectly well.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Can't even offer advice on this one. Seems that it was doomed from the start.

I do agree with others that if you feel this way after only two years, it's time to have a very honest conversation with your husband and tell him that he deserves to be with someone who is thrilled to see him when he walks through the door at the end of the day and looks forward to a future with him and kids


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Have you said anything to him about how you're feeling? Do you know how he feels?

Also, its Call of Duty... and your boy's addiction to the game is pretty standard fare if the two of you aren't doing much else.

Why does the fact you're married change the character of the relationship for you? What's the difference between being married and being gf/bf living together? The title never seemed to matter to me, I'm not religious... marriage is just a tradition. You stay because you love someone, regardless of whether you're married or not.

The kids thing will be a dealbreaker eventually. Don't have them unless you are really wanting them and all they entail for you and your relationship. I made that mistake.

It honestly sounds like you have dramatically different value systems... I don't understand how that works.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

accept said:


> If you want to carry on being married and happy you will just have to give in to him. That also means joining his religion. Is it that bad.


I think this is terrible advice. How happy would you be if forced into someone else's religion because its "not that bad"?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Religion is just one symptom (excuse?). Let it go. She or he could have a massive revelation on religion and she still won't love him. Move on.


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## glockenboam (Mar 7, 2012)

I should explain the boredom. I love talking to my husband and we get along great, but when it comes to doing stuff together we literally have nothing to do together. I am not bored in and of myself- I can find something to do and do it. It just feels lonely to live almost...bymyself? while my husband seems happier online with all of his friends shooting things, which I respect, but I can't seem to be a part of. I've even thought about playing the game and have tried but I suck at it and slow him down and in the end we were both more frustrated by the attempt than drawn together. I feel like he gets his happiness from his game and he's bored with our marriage so he goes to the game. Does that make sense? I come home and he's playing a game and that's all he wants to do. Initially that was fine but then I realized that Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun were all game night every night with the weekends being totally games. At first I invited him to my events and I realize we don't have to have the same interests, (it's okay, I don't I want him to do the same things with me _every_ night). I think we eventually did one thing together, which was RPG's, and I was SO SO happy, but then that fell apart because I was the only one trying to keep the campaign going. 

I feel like 'us' time is something I force on him. I make a special dinner and when it's ready, he stops playing his game, eats with me and then goes right back to it. I am the one initiating 'us' time, increasingly even for sex. I am getting tired of initiating 'us' time. Deep down, I know he would rather be with his buds, shooting something than doing 'us' time with me.

I have tried talking to him about this dynamic and he told me that there is 'no place left for men in the world' and that he'd rather play his game. While I agree with him, it just broke my heart. We've gone to counseling and I realize men are a bit more curt (read all those books and then some) but that's literally his answer and nothing else, period. 

The faith thing is...complex. I've gotten over me needing him to be pagan, just like he's gotten over me needing to be Christian. It's just yet another thing that is a wedge. While I create my community and find comfort there, he does (or doesn't) find his. At this point, I would be happy for him if he found a church, but he won't go, so your question about it is as good as mine. I think the thing that bugs me is the 'unfair' part, or the fact that our marriage plays by Christian rules or adheres to our in-laws, both of whom are Christian. When I initially 'came-out' and owned the fact that I was New-Age and bi-sexual he was really hesitant. I guess I feel that he is ashamed or regretful of the fact that he married a non-christian. I made the mistake of asking him once and he conceded. If he could have done it all over again he would have thought twice about marrying me because of my religion. I shouldn't have asked but knowing this has really wounded me. Additionally, there is a lot of pressure and inequality from the family toward me due to my faith but a lot of praise and respect for him. It makes me want to get away from the family (think Christmas, Easter, family reunions not fun for me, but good times for him) while he finds spiritual support. It's just a hard place to be in.

For those critics who read and responded, fear not, kids are not going to come into play. Can't have 'em, don't want 'em. The biggest difference between me and some of the people who responded is that I do love my husband. I don't want to leave him and I really want this to work. We are intimate and I'm not the one turning my back on him at night, that's for sure!! At the same time, if this is going to dwindle into mutual unhappiness or dissatisfaction I am willing to consider alternatives. In the interim, I just don't know how much of this is normal or what to do. I feel like if we hadn't gotten married we could have weathered this out as partners and have the freedom to "choose" each other. It's almost like he thinks he's stuck with me because he married me. I don't ever want that. I'd rather him just leave me if being married to me is really as bad as it appears to be. 

Sorry, I hope this makes sense. I realize it's from my POV, so take everything with a grain of salt and thanks for just helping me talk this out.


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## glockenboam (Mar 7, 2012)

ps. Sometimes I think my husband is really depressed, in his own 'crisis' but he won't talk to me about it. I get the whole stoic thing and I respect the fact that he won't 'diary' his emotions to me, but is being supportive of someone's blue spell really taking second to a first-person shooter game? How do I support someone who is dissatisfied with life but who won't talk about it? We've tried counseling but that doesn't seem to work and when I suggested it again, he did not respond at all.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

It sounds like he has a full-blown games addiction. If he won't do anything with you or meet you halfway to do 'us' stuff, then maybe he's just not meant to be married.


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## MickeyD (Feb 19, 2012)

accept said:


> If you want to carry on being married and happy you will just have to give in to him. That also means joining his religion. Is it that bad.


It's a horrible idea, but it sounded good to me too about 14 years ago. I decided to join my wife's religion despite having agnostic/atheist beliefs myself. It was important to her that I belonged to the same church, so after a year of marriage I gave in. I thought that I would get used to the lifestyle after a few years.

Fast forward 14 years. I have now spent over a decade attending a church I do not believe in. I have too long forced myself to live the life of a devote Christian man just to make my wife happy. I'm tired of living a lie, pretending to believe things I do not believe in, just to make her happy. The resentment has been building up inside me for years and I feel trapped. I can't tell her the truth now because it would completely crush her both spiritually and emotionally. If I do it all over again, I definitely wouldn't have given in to her wish.

Do not convert to your spouse's religion for his/her sake. Be true to yourself and follow your own beliefs even if it will disappoint your spouse. Don't live a lie that will end up causing resentment and eat up your marriage.


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## glockenboam (Mar 7, 2012)

See, that's just it. That's my bone of resentment. If he just wanted a gf to be with him part-time and do the gaming thing 24/7 did we REALLY HAVE TO GET MARRIED? I was dragged through a traumatic ordeal (having a christian wedding held for you by in-laws that don't want you to be part of their family is traumatic, etc). I would be okay with this situation if we were just live-in pals, which is what I feel what we are. Instead, I feel pressured to be a wife because of all the christian stuff, I feel like there is more at stake. We can't just 'break up' and 'get back together.' No, now it's 'separate' and 'divorce.' 

Okay, so I am trying not to fly off the handle here, but do you see what I mean? Now there is so much more at stake with our relationship now that we are married. Marriage has uped the ante to all or nothing, and it scares me that there seems to be no middle ground to resolve this. Maybe I am just being short-sighted. I totally admit I am inexperienced at this.

I want to stop it and rewind, but I can't. Instead I'm left in the lurch, wondering if this is going to get better or worse? I don't want us to just slowly drift into a deathly relationship and at the same time, I don't want to be drastic and break the bone and end it. Where is the healthy in-between?? Do I just buy a ticket to Jamaica and leave for 4 months and come back to see if things have changed?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I can only repeat what I have already written. Religion for some reason is a big thing. You say your in laws dont like you because of it. How do you really expect your husband to like you. It seems to me this gaming thing is done specially to get away from you. For your own sake I dont advise you to stay like this and I cant see how your husband will change. No MC is going to help. His religion is basically telling him to get away from you.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Based on what you've said I'm not sure you "love" him.

Regardless of what you believe if you truly love somebody than marrying them "forever and ever" as you put it is not a problem. You willfully want to spend the rest of your life with that person without question.

But having said that, you're not wrong for how you feel. You know you made a mistake...now you need to get out, for both of you.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

If you can't have children and don't want any and he does want children, then the kindest thing would be to leave. Go to Jamaica by all means (nice!), but when you return, move in somewhere new and start afresh. Leave him to find a nice Christian wife who won't mind non-stop gaming because she'll be too busy with a football team of kids. You'll both be much happier, by the sounds of it. Sometimes, love isn't enough to make a life together, but it does have the power to say - 'I'm setting you free so we can both be happy.'


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

You have been reported Yuppicide.

Why don't you go get your voyeuristic pleasures elsewhere.

This isn't a game...these are peoples lives.

Real people with real problems who are looking for actual help from compassionate others.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

have you looked at the Relationship and Addiction forum?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

As disappointed as YOU are in the marriage, I'm sure your husband is every bit as disappointed also. Only he probably feels MORE TRAPPED than you; he would be a 'bad Christian' if he gets a divorce.

You said you've come to accept that neither of you will change religions, but neither of you is happy with that decision.

You said you don't want kids EVER and he does, there is NO WAY you two can ever come to a decision on that one that will satisfy both of you. And, for the sake of potential children, you have to err on the side of DON'T HAVE ANY that one parent will possibly resent.

You said your husband's family does not accept you.

There are too many monumental issues on which you both fundamentally disagree! Get a divorce before there are some kids accidentally in the picture.

You'll be happier with less commitment. Your H will be happier with FULL commitment. He is hiding out on-line from a disappointing/unhappy/unfulfilling marriage that he feels powerless to change.

You might point out to him that the bible does tell believers not to be unevenly yoked (tied to non-believers). Have him investigate with his church the possibilities of divorce/annulment whatever they might offer that would help him feel better about getting out of this totally unfulfilling relationship (for both of you).

BTW, I thought it was telling that you JOINED TAM at the same time you got married although you never posted! Were you excited about your marriage at that time and looking for ways to keep it happy or had you already figured out it was a huge mistake and were looking for answers/solutions?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

CallOfWar said:


> You should come play Call of War to save your marriage. It's a free to play game. Your Husband is saving money by not going out and spending money on games, so this way eventually he can buy you a purse or something from Michael Kors.
> 
> Are you hot? I could give up the game a few nights a week for sex. Let me know.


are you the husband? 

i guess it doesnt matter. 

to the OP: i got this much to say...

just do something. the religious stuff doesn't really matter. im a christian, married to a bisexual who was excommunicated from the catholic church. why does our marriage work? because i really freaking wanted it to. i learned that sometimes, i have to cut the internet off to get her off of world of Warcraft, and plan something for us to do instead. i realized that playing the game with her sometimes helped her feel the connection to me. so, sometimes i play with her. i also am fully willing to cut the cable with scissors if it meant we will do something that will actually benefit us as a couple. it doesnt really matter what it is that we do, when we sit down and talk about it, we come up with something. my wife can play WOW whenever nothing else needs to be done and im ok with that. if she starts playing and excluding me, she knows that i will cut off the internet, either physically or financially. so, she does what she needs to to be sure that she is in unison with me. she makes sure that she is not crossing my lines because she cares about me. lately, i never have to say anything to her. she knows when she is neglecting me, and she takes it upon herself to "fix it".

now, so far as the religion thing goes, just look for the good and question everything else. you can go to church with him if you think it will help your relationship, but that doesnt meant you have to swallow every pill the church shoves down your throat. lord knows i dont, and im Pentecostal.... as far as i can tell, the ONLY thing the bible tells me is that i should love God and love People. how i go about that is my own business. i smoke, drink, and curse. i could be wrong, but i think the fact that i am approachable to people who suck at being good(like me) makes it easier to help them. i dont normally see the "sister better than thou's" housing homeless souls in their own house, so i dont give a damn what they say about my lifestyle. they dont have to think about what i think about. i have a four year old daughter... i have more than enough reasons not to let a strange man sleep on my couch. instead of turning them down, i choose to find ways to be sure that my daughter is safe, and i help them anyway. many, im sure, would call me crazy for exposing my family to the danger of strange people. they usually disregard the plans i set in place to mitigate those dangers. i want to help people. thats my goal. so i do it.

you can make your marriage work. you can make it exciting. just make the decision to do it. find out how to get what you need. talk it out, come up with a plan. your feelings are important. you need to decide what works for you. nobody can come up with a solution but you. come up with a plan that works for you, and talk it out with your husband. you can come up with something. your not helpless. your the other half of the marriage.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

There are a lot of complexities going on...As'daLain makes some good points...it comes down how much you are equally investing into the marriage.

Yes. i agree the neither of you really counted the cost before getting married..and it isn't because you are young (as they say marrying young actually increases chances of marital longevity and financial stability)...but yeah the motives were slightly askew. NOT that it can't be overcome, but new habits and new goals must be rewritten. And really, this is all going to be about GOALS. Take a weekend. No TV, no computer gaming...go get a nice room at a hotel or something you both would find relaxing...has some nice views, and you won't be interrupted. Then together, you are going to set goals for you individually and goals cooperatively. Emotional/Physical/Spiritual Needs. Career. Sex. Children. Money. Retirement. Vacations. Before your time away, start listing on index cards these things...as well as specific issues. And when you DO start...you talk about these things, goals, values, dreams, aspirations, desires & whatnot...not interrupting each other, not judging each other, not holding back from honesty. And an issue isn't completed until you both understand where each is coming from, a goal has been set, and a plan of action being added with you BOTH in agreement. If issues bring out resentments and bitterness...then allow the hurting partner to safely speak their mind...with the other NOT getting on the defensive. Again, interruption is NOT ALLOWED until speaking partner says he/she is finished. Then be sure to take breaks to go walk together, go out to eat...maybe take some of the lighter discussions with you to a restaurant. Overall, you should be coming out of their...either with a new gameplan and direction for your marriage...or perhaps a clear idea that it is not going to work out. But I think this deserves to be stated that you are both are clearly unhappy. 

I would never suggest divorce, but you are so vastly different in values...that I am not sure if some of the things can be reconciled...so you must decide if the areas of your differences (religious beliefs, children) are indeed dealbreakers. I would say take what DOES WORK well between you and focus on that...but that isn't going to happen unless you bridge this communication gap...and the constant gaming can be problematic if he isn't able to prioritize around it.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I would just like to point out that OP's last post was March 2012.

This is zombie thread.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

In that situation he gotta let her go once she says that "I think I may need a break".

"Let's not bother having a break, and you can go on along your way."


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I would just like to point out that OP's last post was March 2012.
> 
> This is zombie thread.


Crap.


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