# I feel really lost and somewhat upset



## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Sorry, I just was not sure if this is the place to post it but I need to "get it out".

i really feel lost and just really feel like im "forgotten" in some way. That i mean nothing at all in this life. sure, im successful, thankfully, in my professional life but when it comes to personal - nothing exists.

no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter if I dont try - the situation is the same. I am still single, on my own. 
I KNOW, and have done for a number of years, that I want a relationship (hopefully leading to marriage but one step at a time). unfortuntely, society, especially where I am, is changing dramatically and for the worst. 

its all about superficiality and nothing else. Whatever happened to good old fashioned wholesumness? about connection and being sensible, mature and responsible? About being commited and devoted?

there seems to be SO many games being played - it is unreal, just to get a first date! I havent been touched in 7 years at all, and only had 2 dates in that time frame. 

I am getting older and older, and everyday I think even more that I will be alone for the rest of my life and die alone and that I was born at the wrong time. maybe if I was born 10 years earlier, I would definately be involved with someone. But such is life, I cannot change that.

I just feel so lost and so down at times. I sometimes see others together and look to my left and right there is no one there. 
I have so much to give, but today people want to take advantage and trample upon that and just "move on" quickly to the next person. 
I have alot of love, passion and support to give to that person but I do not even get a remote bit of a chance. Really, I feel completely loss. 

at times for me, it is even difficult to get out of bed. Day in, day out its constant work (which I love, its my hobby) but outside of that.... nothing. No matter how much effort I make, no matter what I do - nothing.

I always seem to *hear* that people are together and its "all going well" - but dont actually SEE it. 
putting that to one side, I just.... i dunno. im just lost like I have missed some fundamental education or a degree about being with someone. I really feel at times I have missed a step or two... somewhere.

Sorry for the post, like I said - just not sure what to do. 
One does not think in depth about such things unless it means something to them and that they are born with this mentality or come from a background of love who want to persue this within their own life moving forward.

its like, I have NO RIGHT AT ALL to even be remotely with someone. Cant help the way I feel due to the way I get treated. I am a realist, not a "fakist".

Being made to feel like this only has a bigger and more negitive impact for the future, something which I did not "create", if that makes sense?

I dunno. Time to go to sleep...alone, yet again!
 *sigh*


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

You don't say how old you are, so it's hard to refute your generational comments. But I will tell you this. You sound like my H before we got married! He held out till age 59. He had a few unsatisfying relationships and like you he focused on work, being convinced that the personal stuff was hopeless. He dated & mated some pretty dysfunctional ladies who I guess preyed on his assumptions and hopelessness and proved his point for him. He stuck with them despite disliking them, because he believed that true happiness was impossible, and "this was as good as it got." Pretty low bar, that.

So, there he was, nearly 60, newly single AGAIN and convinced of all the stuff you just said. And I showed up. In case you want details, I had been there all along. We had known each other for 15 years, doing stupid things with other people and getting pretty disgusted with it all. 

Our marriage is (of course) not perfect but it's kind of perfectly imperfect. Like in Shrek. Or The Magic Flute, if you know that opera by Mozart. Basically, we weird people just need to find each other. My H is my kind of imperfect, and we're working out the kinks, and we believe that by marrying each other we're saving the rest of the world from having to figure out what to do with us or, heaven forbid, go out on a date with either of us. Mutual minesweepers, we sometimes say. 

But it says so much that after all these years of thinking and talking just like you, the H found out that being married is a club you create yourself, if it's appropriate. When the time came, he knew. And so did I. Although he's my 3rd, I consider him my first marriage--none of that "fakist" stuff, as you say.

But we didn't date. We didn't follow the rule book at all. He walked into my living room (after 15 years of acquaintance, just stopping by for a visit), we ended up having sex, and we haven't been apart (in that sense) for over 6 years now. 

Being so deviant left us to make it all up ourselves. Maybe you just need permission to do that too.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Awww.... not all is lost!

What are you doing each day/week to 'pro-actively' meet new people (re:women) ?

Are there any women in your life that you 'like'?

For all you know there could be women you already know who feels the same way as you?

Smile and chin up. No one is going to find you attractive if your sad looking.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's really hard to give you much input since you do not mention your age or if you are male or female.

What have you done to meet people?


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

My empathy spikes high when I read things like this.....to me, it's not self-pity, but intelligent reflection on his current situation and life. I will say a little prayer for you, not to solve your problems, but to have the courage to carry on.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

LostAndFound, It would really help if you could provide some details ....I believe you are a guy looking for a girl. Do you mind sharing your age, which culture do you come from, what kind of a girl are you looking for.. more details you provide, better advice you will get.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

In my experience, it can feel like something is just happening to us, but we're always at cause. We just don't see what's causing what is to be and that leaves us feeling victimized. 

Counseling can be great for figuring out what's not working.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Hi all.
thanks for your kind responses (and prayer!)

ok, the reason I didnt state my age is because of the following:

I have ALWAYS been judged upon my age. its like a human of a certain age is not allowed to think about things or act in a certain way. im VERY mature for my age, and always has been. I was the first one to graduate university by the time I was 20 years of age. I was always ahead of my time. 
it is not about age but rather about the connection and maturity above anything else (I always think). you could be say 40 years of age and be very immature and believe me, I know ALOT of women that are like this. If you must know, I am in my mid 30's.

I never sleep around and I am not the type to go from one person to the next either. I have a fully educated background and always focused on the studies (its my culture/background/upbringing).

When I was at school, I was always the one that was studying rather than going out and "drinking" or "partying" - that certainly is not me nor will it ever be. 

as for counselling - no. you see, I believe you can always improve yourself for the better and I can see things that can go wrong and how to prevent that from happening. There is only so much one can do but the rest, is up to the other party. unfortunately where I live and how people are is just unreal and beyond my scope. I have been to counselling before (4 different counsellors, same problem) and they all said the same thing that I am not the problem. Of course, I had a bit of a hole in the pocket in regards to the money spent 

Please do not think my reply is of some form of an aggressive or defensive nature - certainly not the case. its just, I know what im talking about and I wish to clarify things and explain them so you can get a better understanding and idea, thats all 

I am unfortunately british. im ashamed to be that because of the reputation of people here and how women are over this end. however I have always kept my distance and glad to say that I am not like them, who drink, sleep around and go from one person to the next, cause havoc and drama. I have a strong cultured upbringing. My descent, not that it matters, is of the middle eastern origin which in itself, is a problem over here as people judge too quick without even getting to know me.

As for what I do in terms of being pro-active for the women side of things - dating sites. I spent ALOT of money on them over the years but not to get anything out of it except for let downs after let downs, game playing after game playing and so on. 

I always work so I dont have time to "socialise" and to be honest with you, even though I have made time before to socialise - I actually dont have anyone here close to me. Sure I have literally a friend but he is busy doing his thing, has his own life too....

im just isolated but nonetheless, I still dont think I should be judged upon this. I just keep myself to myself and dont get involved in the "corruption" that is out there.

im just saying how it is. I mean, I am not the one to do something that I disagree or disapprove of - why should I suffer? im not a ****y or stuck up/self centered person AT ALL. do I have confidence? yes but im not "up myself" but a realist.

The culture over here is "get the next hottest guy/girl and keep going and sleep around" - really, this is how it is. alot of young single mothers too - just to give you an idea of what it is like over here.

if you arent "hot", then you get ignored completely and have an attitude given. This is not me being paranoid or anything, it is actually real. I've had the counsellor say the same thing too.

so because of things like this, which has a big impact and toll on the personal side of things, it is how I am MADE to feel (against my will it seems).

sorry for the lengthy reply. As always I appreciate and welcome suggestions and advice. its just I feel lost and just like a complete waste of a life - but only to "work" endlessly.

yes, I have sleepless nights too thinking about this only because ive gotten to the point where I would love to be with someone you know? There comes a point in everyones life that they want to be with someone. they have that need and desire to care for, to love and nurture. im a little old fashioned too - but the thoughts and feelings of this nature, are no longer a thing of the present where I live. its known as "get with the times. get real and stop thinking about love. just get with as many women as you can"

its like no matter what I do, I always get knocked down and that discourages me. I keep getting up but get knocked down harder which is just off putting - it is the human nature. only so much one can take I guess.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Hi LostAndFound, Here are some points I would like to make after reading your details...

1. You are in your mid-30s and pretty young. You shouldn't be getting so upset. Try to be more positive in your outlook.

2. Just as you do not wish to be judged by others, you should also not judge other British ladies. Every individual is unique and I think it is not a good perspective to think that all British ladies like to drink and sleep around. You might have come across some ladies who were not good to you (or incompatible with you) however you should not develop such a negative perspective. Just imagine, even if you happen to meet a nice lady tomorrow, you have this strong preconceived notion about all British ladies, that she will inherit .. and you might end up forming wrong opinions about her and miss out on a good life partner.

3. Since you are of a middle-eastern origin have you tried dating middle-eastern women instead of British women? You might find them more compatible with yourself. If you have family or friends out there you can probably take their help finding a nice girl for you. Maybe you could revisit your wish-list about women and tweek your selection criteria in general. 

I get a feeling that you are of a certain kind, but maybe you try to find women of a kind that is not compatible with you, and therefore you end up getting hurt all the time. To elaborate further, consider that if an apple was to try and date one of the pineapples, the apple will most likely get hurt. Neither the apple not the pineapples are "bad" .. they are just incompatible.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thanks. its not quite what you say im afraid.... incompatible is different to "you aint hot". if there is NO ONE willing to even meet or actually take time to GET TO KNOW YOU, then how is that my fault or how is that incompatible? it isnt.

im not "young" and once again, its not about age. there are people even in their 20's who are in a relationship... me.... not so much. so again, its not about age. im not going to wait until 60 or 70 to find someone. who knows if I will even be alive then. who is to say that a person of a certain age is entitled to have a relationship or not?

im just saying how it is with women over here. i have ALOT of experience therefore I have the right to say how it is (and have LOADS of evidence and proof of this) otherwise I wouldnt have said it nor would I feel this way.

I am positive but again, only so much I can be. positivity is not the question or issue here. you can be the most positive person in the world but even that person has down times, no?


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

lostandfound2012 said:


> thanks. its not quite what you say im afraid.... incompatible is different to "you aint hot". if there is NO ONE willing to even meet or actually take time to GET TO KNOW YOU, then how is that my fault or how is that incompatible? it isnt.


Compatibility in a relationship works both ways, and is all about 
(1) having your criteria in finding your partner
(2) determining whether or not the other person fits the criteria

So, when a lady tell you "you aint hot", she is not considering you compatible (maybe 'looks' are her number#1 criteria). If she doesn't consider you compatible she won't bother trying to get to know you.

On the other hand, if you come across a girl whose number#1 criteria is "being intellectual" she might consider you compatible and things might click.

So, what I am saying here is see if you can find girls who dig "intellectual and cultural guys" rather than "hot guys".


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

sure I understand. I do 
but here, the being intellectual is no go. (too many dumbos here anyway). its all about looks

i dont have the energy anymore. I need to see if there are some form of drugs to get rid of the feelings I have of being nice/decent and having the need to love/nurture. it isnt doing me any good at all.

its funny. you grow up and you get told/taught to be nice and genuine etc.... but its not "allowed" or "permitted" to be today. makes no sense. the brain is baffled

but still it does show how shallow people can get and unrealistic also. hmm. I see the whole thing and get it. but sadly it appears no one wants to get it or understand really what it is like because they chose not to take their time to get it or even acknowledge it. always some excuse....

anyway, thanks 

been up ALL night, its 8am here and very tired. need to make an appt with the GP and see about those pills. I just wish we were told the truth about what relationships are and how you can be "qualified" to get one before its too late.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Lost & Found,

You are obviously very bright. You express yourself so well that a couple of things come to my own mind when I consider your plight? You are very engaged in your work but what do you do outside of that. I am not talking about bars, clubbing, nightlife etc. but what are you passionate about besides your work?

Do you volunteer for any causes that interest you? Do you give back to the educational community (I am thinking of kids here)? Do you mentor anyone? I am not accusing you but I would suggest you lose yourself in a bit of service to find yourself because I have a distinct impression that you do not know yourself or you do not like who you believe you are.

I have no doubt you are brilliant and that someone of the fairer sex will see that as well but you have to put yourself in circumstances that will allow for that. I am interested to know your thoughts on this.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Thanks RClawson, I appreciate that. 

besides work? Nothing really. I mean, I enjoy what I do. I give back ALOT to the community and have won global awards for the work that I do. my work IS my hobby. Its "me", you know? 

Do I mentor? yes. its funny because I mentor people in the terms of improving themselves for the better on a personal level and seeing them succeed and overcoming their problems. I've been doing this for years as I had a great life changing experience (from work, would you believe!)

as for volunteering, I do. Again, its more related to my field of work but outside of that, I do volunteer in terms of helping the elderly and sometimes local businesses (for free) given the current state of economy.

I have found myself again and again... and I am a passionate person and affectionate.... but no one wants to get to know me because of a few factors, that I am not white and not "hot" or because im "short" or I dont look like "him"....just every excuse you can imagine.

just to add more to the equation, over here, there are ALOT of serious false allegations made against men just so the woman in question can get what she wants. (yes, it is true). you would think that it would only go so far if there is evidence yes? No. If a woman says she has been... whatever... then straight away you get pulled.

I was a victim of such, from an ex. Ruined my life really. However given my professionalism and "who I am" as a person, even though it did go all the way to the courts (and brought shame to my family and lost my father in the process....) I was found not guilty and that she was lying. 
normally, men wouldnt continue down the path of finding a partner, but given what I've been through - I still am. 
if you try to tell or explain this story to a woman, they judge and dont get it... they are quick to brand you.



im 5'9. I have short black hair (I prefer short) but smart. I have brown eyes, deep brown eyes and also long eyelashes (im a man...)
I am of average build but slimming down more and more.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Is your family around, LostAndFound? Your parents, siblings etc?


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Hi eowyn

unfortunately not quite. I live on the opposite end of the country. my sister, who is 10 years younger than me, is still in School and lives with mom. My father passed away, unexpectedly, just over 2 years ago.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Thanks L & F. I am 5'9 and now I feel like I dodges a bullet! Do you have any close female friends? Do you think you might be perceived as having a chip on your shoulder?


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

I dont have any female friends. because im not "hot".... (yes, to have female friends here you have to be "hot") and I dont party or club. And again, I keep myself to myself. I dont drink and thats one of the problems as well. i try to live a clean and healthy life. I never have drank alchohol and never will, nor have I done any drugs of any kind and nor will I 

chip on the shoulder? not sure. Like I said - no one wants to take the time to get to know me at all. its all "give give give" from me and if you dont give, then you still dont stand a chance. damned if you do, damned if you dont haha 

all im saying is, I just feel completely... I dunno. like a human robot. not allowed to do this or that. not entitled or allowed to find someone whom I would like to have in a relationship... it just doesnt appear to "exist". 

I deserve some medal for not having sex for 7 years....


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your father! 

I have been reading your other posts and here is what I feel you should try... I think you need to give yourself a break..

1. For the next two weeks just take a break from dating etc. Make sure you don't think about dating, women or your future! Dont login to TAM or any of the dating sites.
2. In these couple of weeks take up a hobby, anything you like (cooking, painting, music etc). Sign up for a class.
3. Try and spend good time with friends, invite them over, re-establish contact etc (do not discuss dating and women) If you haven't been in touch with your sis and mom, make sure you call them once in a while. 
4. Read a good book. 
5. If you are religious pray daily for some time or meditate.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

is this a hint for me to get lost? 

i understand. ive tried all those things, and more, before but will do again. infact ive already done 3 of those things from your list 

ill be back in 2 weeks but believe me, ive given the whole dating thing a break many times before (solid 6 months at one point)


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Not at all 

I just feel that you have been thinking too much about all this. I am not saying give yourself a break from just "dating". What I want to suggest is "Give yourself a break from *thinking *about dating" by focusing on other activities and keeping yourself busy.

Sometimes we think too much and lot of clouds start accumulating over our head that makes us feel gloomy and hopeless. 

I feel that you have the capacity to solve your own problems, just that you are caught up in a cycle of negative thinking right now. That happens to all of us once in a while. See if a 'mental and emotional' break from this can help clear these clouds. Try to deligently focus on the "brighter things" in your life for the next two weeks.


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## Softly Walking (May 4, 2011)

Why not try dating sites or even chatrooms pertaining to your hobbies? Meet people you click with on a mental level and find people you have things in common with but do it in a relaxed manner. There is no do or die with dating. If the right person for you isn't in your locality that doesn't mean they aren't out there somewhere in the world waiting for you.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

There is something missing in this puzzle.


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## buttersnips (Apr 17, 2012)

Sounds lovely, finding love isn't hard, in fact it's very easy, so glad to see your so happy..congrats


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

hi all. im back, after taking valuable advice from eowyn.
been away from here and away from thinking about women/dating. how do I feel? not bad but I guess because of the timing as I had alot of work going on which I focused on and achieved things (as I always do).

todays news about a racist british women having been sent to 21 weeks in prison caused such an outcry/outrage about "freedom of speech" and sending her to prison was uncalled for. She will be out in 3 weeks time though but just shows that the dumb brits pretty much are in favor of racism.

it puts people at me at a risk. its also another reason why i have such trouble finding someone or being with someone because they dont give me a chance.

im still lost personally in terms of finding and being with someone. just not sure what to do as I truely feel alone and made to feel that I will be alone for the rest of my life - literally.

anyway...the only place I can really think about things is in my dreams.... being with a woman, doing things together etc... but to make it into reality is just virtually impossible.

ive browsed many forums in general and always, always see some "problem" with a woman from a guy. sure, the same the other way around but not as much as it is with women. i dont know why. it just makes things more difficult.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

The first thing you need to do is stop fixating on the lack of connection that you're feeling. It's natural to feel that way, given your circumstances, but if that is the vibe you're putting out there on the few occasions when you're in the world and not working, then you're not going to find genuine connection.

Go out one day a week and stay receptive to meeting new people and trying new things. If you have friends, go hang out with those friends doing something unstructured, in a place where there are a lot of people. It might feel weird and wrong just to go out and keep yourself open to new experiences, but I suggest you try it. At the very least, it will allow you to feel connected to people in general, and at the most, it will in time provide you an opportunity to meet someone with whom you share a genuine connection. You probably don't notice it, but you sound like you are very closed off and guarded and that will get picked up by others and it will limit your possibilities.

I am around the same age as you, similar background but not exactly the same, and I can understand and relate to what you're going through (even if my personal situation is very different from the one that motivates you to post here), so, even if my words seem to make no kind of sense, think about them. You're craving connection, but channeling it into work or other structured activities and it's leaving you closed off from opportunities that might work for you. Seek connection with others that is fulfilling (without looking to fit a particular thing like dating or best-friends or whatever) and other kinds of connection, like partnership, are more likely to follow, if you are open and receptive to them.

Also, if you don't have a therapist/counselor, get one. It isn't just for people with psychiatric issues or serious problems but for anyone who wants to work through issues in life. It can be awesome just to have someone objective in your corner that you talk to on a regular basis. You've got a lot of negativity and are very guarded and once you clear it up, I think you might be able to find more fulfillment overall.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thank you.

believe me I understand what you are saying. I have tried to engage in social activities but still no go. there is no "vibe" im giving out (and I am self aware). its just how it is. most of them are with someone or they arent looking or they are just far too picky and fussy and I am never in their checklist criteria.....and left on my own again.

lets see how it goes from now onwards and will post with updates and hope you all can give me some advice which would be for my benefit and positivitity.... because then no one can say that im "wrong"....


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Lost, Have you considered the option of dating women who are not British? Maybe someone from your home country or ladies of different ethnicity? 

You seem to have serious negative feelings for British women, and I can bet it will be impossible for you to date British women (forget about settling with one) even if you might run into one that might be good for you. _To give you an analogy it is like... you really really hate icecreams, but you keep going to the icecream shop all the time only to be discouraged. Maybe you are someone who might like chocolates instead, and it would be good to explore that possibility_

Also, I would recommend visiting a counselor to help develop the some positive thinking habits. It will help you in general, not just in dating etc. Remember you will attract people (not just women) if you develop the habit of positive thinking and are a "fun & confident person" to be around.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thanks eowyn.

well I have seen consellors. but they say that I am positive but it is not my "fault" or "problem" that such is the society today. I shouldnt have to lower myself so I know im good there. But that is still not the solution to "the problem". There is only so much you can do. the rest, is up to them.

believe me, I would be happy (and not here saying how I feel and how it is) if they werent how they are over here but they are THAT bad. Even my american friends and European friends say the same about british women and that is just from striking a conversation with them.

As for other women who are not british - sure. but difficult to find because they are involved with someone or I am just not their type. double standards. *sigh*

bottom line is: only so much you can do.


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