# Still bothered...why?



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

So I'm a year and a half since my split...still separated and working on a divorce. I went through hell like all of you, depressed, hysterical bonding, tried to maintain an amicable relationship which now I know I'm better off for not establishing. 

The hurt, pain, loneliness, scars from betrayal and lies have mostly all disappeared. My acceptance that she was no good and that her character is deplorable have settled in. I am still alone, have dated off and on, but have not settled with that special someone. She has, and has been with him for 8 months now, and I've even accepted this. The last text I left her with ( we were keeping intermittent contact because of my stepson, and only she contacted me, not vice-versa...I want to make that clear ) stated to her, "how can you love anyone when you can't even love yourself?", to which I got a "F**k off" text back, and did not respond...If anyone knows my backstory, she turned into a real skank and was with everyone and anyone once she left, even women... 

One thing still bugs me a bit: How and why did she become a woman who had sex with other women along with men, at the same time, and let all these guys, in threesomes and solo, just sleep with her and do horrible things to her ( she was even in a dangerous threesome with a strange married couple where the man attempted to choke her and urinate on her )...and it's the "other women" thing that burns inside...like I never really knew her. She was with so many people it was sickening. This was not the woman I was with for 9 years. She was an upstanding mom and special needs teacher. Yes, she flirted often but I deemed it as her free-natured character while married. What makes someone turn so drastically and so wildly just weeks after a nine year marriage? It bothers me that her self-worth and esteem was so low that she turned into this. She was MY WIFE, and this character change still has aftershocks in my mind, going from good wife to someone who quite possibly lead a double life while married yet I saw no signs. I am humiliated and embarrassed to have been her husband. This keeps me up at night and plagues my mind, even after counselling and many discussions with many friends and professionals. 

Maybe I'm affected because it bothers me that ANYONE would do this to themselves. I'm wondering if this affects her, and if she has really truly stopped this double life/errant sexual behaviour now that she is in a relationship. This shouldn't bother me still, yet...


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Truth is, she didn't "turn into" this skanky persona because she had a low self esteem. She was likely always this way, but hid it from you. 

Probably rooted in her FOO issues.

You didn't see it because you had her on a pedestal.

DeMello says we never really love someone. Instead, we love the idealized version of that person we have created in our mind.

You're not going to figure her out, Deg. And it's not your job to figure her out. You can't figure out crazy. Accept that you were married to a psychologically stunted and depraved person, and be glad you got out.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Good that she is out of your life.

She wasted 9 years of your life.

Time to do something for yourself and stay away from psycho.

Fill your time on other things. You should be so happy that she is someone else's problem.

She will cheat on the new guy as well. It will not last.

You do not need that much exposure to stds, heartache and pain.

Do something for yourself now. try to move on, she is not worth all the space in your head. 

Try counseling to see if it will help you to move on. She will not change that much.

sorry for your stepson.


----------



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

All I know from her background are a few things, from what she told me throughout our marriage: 

* had sex at the age of 14 with much older men ( 20), and continued this a few times throughout her teens... 

* was in a so-called abusive/controlling rel. in college, and married a so-called controlling husband ( she was 19, he was 36 when they wed ), and had her 3 kids with him. They lasted 12 years. 

...and please forgive my ignorance,naivety and blindness to this, as I am having a hard time seeing how these issues can manifest themselves so deeply for so long and then arise later. Shouldn't the comfort of a healthy marriage, a loving husband, life stability, etc. squash such issues?...if these are indeed issues that have plagued and still are plaguing her. I was told by counsellors that this could have been the case, but to change so drastically floors me...and God forbid that this was going on while still married to me...I think I would have found out, wouldn't I have?


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

deg20 said:


> Shouldn't the comfort of a healthy marriage, a loving husband, life stability, etc. squash such issues?...if these are indeed issues that have plagued and still are plaguing her.


Nope.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Her very early sexual experiences with grown men probably set up the roller coaster ride to come. She was with GROWN MEN (we're not talking about inexperienced teenagers fooling around here) who likely had their way with her, and introduced her to depraved things that were way beyond her understanding and emotional development.

Then she married a man who was much older than her. 

It sounds to me like she had some unresolved "daddy" issues which is why she was drawn to older men. It's very hard for someone to sort that out without intense counseling which she likely never had.

You need to let this go and move on. She is a very damaged individual and you will never be able to sort out the mess that's in her head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

D-20 ~

Many of us have been married to these Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde spouses. 

A Psychiatrist once told me, "VH, trying to understand your H or change him is like hitting your head against the proverbial wall!"

:slap::banghead::slap:


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Did she have high and low mood swings?

Always being flirty is not normal. She knew what it was to be in relationships. The flirting was a good indicator that something was off inside her. You simply dismissed the subtle hints she threw your way. I'm sure you will find more. She was bound to become unglued so to speak. JMNSHO.

Bibi


----------



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

one of the flags I so stupidly overlooked, but finally told her to stop, was how she always kissed my attractive friends on the lips when she met them...not just a friendly hug...other signs were not so obvious, but are in hindsight.

When she left, one of the reasons she gave for leaving was how I never wanted to go to parties or large events with her. I now blame this on subconsciously feeling uncomfortable at these events due to her flirtatious behavior. I blamed it on being an introvert, but I think this is why actually.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

sounds like you are searching for rational answers to irrational behavior. there won't be any. the harder you try the more confusion and regret will seep in. we all play the why and what if scenarios in our heads when something goes south in our lives. sounds like you don't have closure yet. let it go or it will continue to vex you. sometimes there are no answers, only moving forward.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look, you got duped. You didn't do anything wrong except fall in love with a bad woman whose an exceptional liar and a cheat. 

I understand your hurt but instead of going over the "coulda, woulda shoulda's in your head, look at it from a point of view that you don't have to have her in your life any longer. Consider yourself lucky that she's gone and the someone else can put up with this loser. Move on and once you clear your head then find a good woman with honor and values. There's a bunch out there looking for the same.


----------



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

If there's one thing I wish I knew, it would be concrete evidence that this was going on while were still married. She started all this sex stuff a week or so after she left me...so her defense is that we had broken up already. I guess I'd be a fool to assume a switch was flicked and it all started then. Her distancing herself from me night after night, day after day, and buried in her phone at a growingly rapid rate months before she left is probably a strong indication. Although I don't remember her schedule changing that much, but again, I probably didn't see it...

I can tell all of you that things didn't feel right months before she left...mild gut feelings and a sense that she was pulling away. Foolish me wrote it off as the winter season, her meds, her stress, etc. I'm more mad at myself for being so blinded by all this...had I have been more akin to the signs, I think I would have left. I remember presenting her a list of 10 signs your marriage is failing or in trouble, and I told her we had eight...she dismissed it...

I am moving on. Much more healed than before, but the mind is a strange thing...I still can't go a day without feeling anger, humiliation, and sadness, albeit mild...


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Deg,

this kind of behavior is not something that happens over night (or in your case over a week's time), she either did a very good job suppressing them in herself or she did a better job subverting them from you, either way, this is a person with deep sexual abuse in her history, who feels so worthless that they only find some bit of satisfaction in being used sexually. Think of it this way, for 9 years you were able to keep her in normal life, you were able to show her what a normal family and relationship was, while she may have controlled herself for some time she could not hold back her demons, now she is running amok. She is on a course to self destruction.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

deg20 said:


> If there's one thing I wish I knew, it would be concrete evidence that this was going on while were still married. She started all this sex stuff a week or so after she left me...so her defense is that we had broken up already. I guess I'd be a fool to assume a switch was flicked and it all started then. Her distancing herself from me night after night, day after day, and buried in her phone at a growingly rapid rate months before she left is probably a strong indication. Although I don't remember her schedule changing that much, but again, I probably didn't see it...
> 
> I can tell all of you that things didn't feel right months before she left...mild gut feelings and a sense that she was pulling away. Foolish me wrote it off as the winter season, her meds, her stress, etc. I'm more mad at myself for being so blinded by all this...had I have been more akin to the signs, I think I would have left. I remember presenting her a list of 10 signs your marriage is failing or in trouble, and I told her we had eight...she dismissed it...
> 
> I am moving on. Much more healed than before, but the mind is a strange thing...I still can't go a day without feeling anger, humiliation, and sadness, albeit mild...


You can tie yourself up in knots trying to figure out if she was doing this destructive behavior before your split. Did she wait until the very day you split? Did she start it a week, a month before? Will the answers to those questions change anything about your relationship today, or help in any constructive manner with your future recovery? Probably not.I can't really see how your opinion of her would change, except to get even worse. She is a damaged person and it doesn't sound like she is interested in changing anytime soon.
You are doing the right thing. Until she is willing to address her own demons its unlikely she will ever have a healthy relationship.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

deg20 said:


> So I'm a year and a half since my split...still separated and working on a divorce. I went through hell like all of you, depressed, hysterical bonding, tried to maintain an amicable relationship which now I know I'm better off for not establishing.
> 
> The hurt, pain, loneliness, scars from betrayal and lies have mostly all disappeared. My acceptance that she was no good and that her character is deplorable have settled in. I am still alone, have dated off and on, but have not settled with that special someone. She has, and has been with him for 8 months now, and I've even accepted this. The last text I left her with ( we were keeping intermittent contact because of my stepson, and only she contacted me, not vice-versa...I want to make that clear ) stated to her, "how can you love anyone when you can't even love yourself?", to which I got a "F**k off" text back, and did not respond...If anyone knows my backstory, she turned into a real skank and was with everyone and anyone once she left, even women...
> 
> ...


_(I decided to preface this and say that I'm not trying to be confrontational or whatever. I just really like profanity.)_

And, even though I hate to say it this way... what she does is none of your fvkcing business. Yes, she WAS your wife. Past tense. Regardless of whose initiated/chose the divorce, she's not your wife anymore, and what she does is no longer your problem or concern. You need to let go of her. You won't be able to move on until you do.

So, she found "someone" and they've been together for 8 months, and you still haven't met that special someone. Who the fvck cares? It's not a competition. Just because she found "someone" doesn't mean that she wins, or that your a loser because you haven't found someone. Maybe she's crazy happy, and it's the healthiest relationship she's ever had. Maybe he's a sadistic assh0le and beats her within an inch of her life, and she's miserable. Or maybe, she's into that sh!t and the fact that he beats her makes her insanely happy. Whichever one it is doesn't matter, because it's not your business anymore. 

Don't take my blunt response as a lack of sympathy. It's been a year and a half, and you're only hurting yourself by belaboring this sh!t. A lot of times in life, we don't get answers. More often than not, we don't get answers, and we have to learn how to be content with not knowing.

Stop focusing on her, and start focusing on you. 

Are you in IC? You'll work through this a lot faster--and better--if you're talking with a professional. And you're not going to be able to move on with your own life if you're holding on to all of this. You want to know why YOU haven't met your special someone yet? It's because you're not ready, because you're still carrying around all this baggage, which most women can see from a mile away and avoid like the plague.


----------



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

point taken...


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

deg20 said:


> point taken...


Lol

But does that stop the questioning in your mind? Time meant nothing for me until I was good and ready. I had to process everything more than once while still moving on. I was working on me and figuring out the timeline of when XH had truly left the marriage. It wasn't about staying stuck in the past, but to help me understand why he changed into this un feeling alien all of a sudden. 

It turned out not to be so sudden at all. Therapy helped by the way. I couldn't rug weep this kind of life altering tsunami. I had to process it and then make peace with it and let go. It took me three counsellors to get a good match that understood I couldn't just let it go. 

Hell, I couldn't ask the X; he said he had never loved me. He did not know what love was, and I set him free as soon as I got proof of his affair to use in our divorce. Talk about rewriting history...well more like eradicating history. I needed answers, and our dead marriage had them.

If you need this for you, keep searching for answers in your past with her. When you are done, let it go.

Bibi


----------



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

I think a good sign is that I don't have the energy or wherewithal to research her past. it's very secretive...but the small signs from 9 years married and what she revealed from her teen years onward seems to unravel a lot.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

deg20 said:


> I think a good sign is that I don't have the energy or wherewithal to research her past. it's very secretive...but the small signs from 9 years married and what she revealed from her teen years onward seems to unravel a lot.


Good, you now answered your own question about why this bothered you. You needed to find enough pieces of the puzzle to let this go. 

The whole story will prolly never be privy to you and that's ok. You have now made Your peace. This was not about her at all. This was ALL about You.

:toast:

This round is on me. Would you like a single shot that feels like a double? Salt, lime, or both to go with that?

Bottoms up...:wink2:

Bibi


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

deg20 said:


> If there's one thing I wish I knew, it would be concrete evidence that this was going on while were still married.


For me, kissing on the lips repeatedly would be enough for me not to doubt. Personally, I'd let it go and get counseling if I couldn't. If not, I'd ask all of those so called "attractive friends." Someone might eventually tell you the truth.


----------



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

She slept with one of those friends the night I moved out of our home after me being there 2 months after we officially separated. He flew in and she picked him up at the airport and had sex with him in her car. She reached out to him through text a week before our split, and I found out and she denied it. I found out through ingenious means about this, and she still denies it. I have proof, but never told her I have the proof. Of course, he is no longer my friend, but was for 20 years.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I suspect a lot of it's misdirected emotions. You miss the part of her you knew or thought you knew so you feel loss. Also don't understand how she became so different than who you thought she was so you're uncertain about yourself being able to really know who you're with. She did things you find repulsive so you can't understand her motives. And it's salt in the wound that she's in a relationship now while you're setting here still trying to process what happened.

Completely understandable deg. It would be odd if you didn't need time to deal with all of these things.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your ex is about as despicable of a human as mine. Mine was a Sunday school teacher. I don't understand it all, either. I'm about at the same point as you are. Mine is about to marry some jobless land/oil heir. His only redeeming quality is he has money and time to spend it on her.
We can both waste out lives asking ourselves why, or we can concentrate on doing things we really enjoy to make ourselves happy. There should be some consolation in the fact that you have now shed the weight of a nasty person who doubtlessly had other bad qualities than sexual deviance and disloyalty. I can promise you that there are better things and people in your future, once your mind has healed enough to go after happiness. Don't let this trash ruin your life. Be happy just to spite her. 
Sorry, but life is not fair, and both of us need to rise up in the face of adversity and fight this urge to dwell on the past. You'll never figure it out. It doesn't need to be figured out. You can get past it if you devote your energy to going after the good things in life. But it's taken a lot of work for me, and I still have bad days.


----------



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

thanks evinrude and thundarr...you are right...I miss who I thought she was, in the beginning. I'm also in a constant state of "was this a stage she went through...a breakout since she was always in a rel since she was 17"...has she healed, or does she still do this stuff behind her new man's back?...I know I know I know...it doesn't matter...after we split, she fvcked married men, had sex in an alley with a 25 yr old, then an hour later in a threesome with two men...and on and on...sickening...and yes, glad she is gone!


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Wow.

She is broken. The world is full of broken people.

You did not know it when you married her.

She started acting out and you saw.

Its not you, she just hid it or she had a breakdown.

You can move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

