# Cannot get over the damage



## Nonya04 (Nov 21, 2020)

My life has thrown me against the wall more than once. I want to heal but I find it so hard. After my marriage I am unable to move forward, unable to love someone who is available and when they get attached I find any and all reasons to leave. To make matter worse I was taken advantage of about a year ago and things have gotten even worst. I can't even imagine any pleasure in life other than food which is destroying my self esteem. I am working hard to love myself and be patient. 
About a year ago I started talking to a professional and while I am making improvements the road seems to go on forever. I do not see an end to it. It makes me so very sad. I do not want to be alone but I a not ready. 
It has been 6 years since my separation and divorce. There is so much damage I do not know if I can ever be with someone even if its one of the things I desire most in the world. 
Does anyone have any tips or suggestions I want to find a way out of my hole.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Nonya04 said:


> My life has thrown me against the wall more than once. I want to heal but I find it so hard. After my marriage I am unable to move forward, unable to love someone who is available and when they get attached I find any and all reasons to leave. To make matter worse I was taken advantage of about a year ago and things have gotten even worst. I can't even imagine any pleasure in life other than food which is destroying my self esteem. I am working hard to love myself and be patient.
> About a year ago I started talking to a professional and while I am making improvements the road seems to go on forever. I do not see an end to it. It makes me so very sad. I do not want to be alone but I a not ready.
> It has been 6 years since my separation and divorce. There is so much damage I do not know if I can ever be with someone even if its one of the things I desire most in the world.
> Does anyone have any tips or suggestions I want to find a way out of my hole.


What baggage are you carrying into a new relationship? Could you elaborate on how you were taken advantage of? What was the damage the caused the divorce? Or are you saying the divorce caused the damage?
What would your ideal life be?


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## Nonya04 (Nov 21, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> What baggage are you carrying into a new relationship? Could you elaborate on how you were taken advantage of? What was the damage the caused the divorce? Or are you saying the divorce caused the damage?
> What would your ideal life be?


so some damage I speak of is self esteem issues, my ex husband was verbally abusive and would make me eat way more than I wanted and I gained so much weight. Apart from this he was very controlling telling me awful taking things I loved and shattering them. He even managed to get me away from my friends. Now I am still trying to make friends as a single mom, work on my self image and lose the weight. 
As far as taken advantage of I mean I was raped.


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

Sorry for all the pain you have experienced. As I have had some self-esteem issues in the past, they are only what we believe they are. I was once overweight and thought be losing weight all things would be different. I lost 60 lbs and thought all things would be so better. They honestly were not. I have learned that you must live by your opinion of yourself and not society's opinion. I can't comprehend or offer any advice on the rape portion of your post. It is horrible to know that men prey on any woman like that, but as my ex was a forensic nurse, I know it happens way more than is ever reported.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

I too have a history of abuse at the hand of my XW, although I am a man, I was subjected to a Monster that would physically and mentally assault me with the full knowledge that I was unable to defend myself. The only time I offered physical resistance, I restrained her after she hit me with a hefty ashtray, telling her that I am in fact stronger than her and she would be wise to remember that before considering further escalation.

Her response was to call the police. Luckily for me, my face was bloody and my lip was cut and nothing came of it, but they also did not consider arresting her for assault because of the gross imbalance in the justice scales faced by abused men.

I was a captive of a version of the Stockholm-Syndrome. It took her being physically unfaithful to me with another man to open my eyes. Strange as it seems, I have no ill will towards the OM, his actions opened my eyes to the rot of her character and helped me move forward with decisive and quick action towards divorce. In a way he was part of what moved me to set myself free of this harpy.

None the less, the damage was done and I carried it forward for years. My self-esteem took a severe hit and unlike you, OP, using food, but akin in as-far as it being a crutch, I was looking for myself and answers in the bottom of a Whiskey Bottle all too often. (I do not recommend this).

Like you subsequent relationships failed because of me being unable to attach, with the exception of one, which is a story for another day.

In the end I realized that I was looking to rebuild myself, to be the person I was before all this abuse and I was trying to force my growth in that direction because I missed and knew that man.

This is impossible. The person you were before the abuse is dead, got brutally murdered at the core. Only when I allowed myself to realize that, mourn the death of the boy I was did I make space for the new man to grow.

OP, don't just let go of the hurt of the past and the injustice of it all. You need to let go of the person who suffered the pain and was weak enough to allow it. Grieve the girl you were and allow yourself to grow into the woman you need to be.

ETA: I do not know the helplessness of being raped, but (non-comparatively) the helplessness of being totally isolated with an abuser against whom there was no visible defense was a constant companion.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

This only strengthens your need to let go of the person you were (mentally), grieve her as you would a beloved sister whom had died to make space for a more resilient you to grow.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Nonya04 said:


> My life has thrown me against the wall more than once. I want to heal but I find it so hard. After my marriage I am unable to move forward, unable to love someone who is available and when they get attached I find any and all reasons to leave. To make matter worse I was taken advantage of about a year ago and things have gotten even worst. I can't even imagine any pleasure in life other than food which is destroying my self esteem. I am working hard to love myself and be patient.
> About a year ago I started talking to a professional and while I am making improvements the road seems to go on forever. I do not see an end to it. It makes me so very sad. I do not want to be alone but I a not ready.
> It has been 6 years since my separation and divorce. There is so much damage I do not know if I can ever be with someone even if its one of the things I desire most in the world.
> Does anyone have any tips or suggestions I want to find a way out of my hole.


1) go to a homeopath and tell all this would told us and ask for help at (a) recovering from the trauma and (b) depression and self-esteem.

2) hit the gym and make gym friends. Theyre cool people and a lot of them went throught eating your feeling phases until they started focusing elsewhere.

3) you seem to have a personality inside of the avoidant spectrum and it is triggering when in new relationships. To stop this you need to understand people have different weakness and different levels of undertanding of everything, narcissism where they dont develop and act like stupid teens, and on and on, AND THEN you need to forgive who hurt you so this wont weight so much when new reltionships come your way. Homeopathy will help a bit with this when you do (1).


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