# Need some opinions....



## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

I have been married to my wife for 10 years and the last year has been bad. The worse it gets, the more we abuse alcohol and my wife has turned into a full blow pot head out of nowhere. I am not completely innocent in this either but no wheres near the extent she is. Last weekend (10th anniversary) we rented a beautiful cottage and it was almost like falling back in love with her like we did when we were teenagers. We had a talk about our substance abuse and both agreed that it needed to stop as we have 2 kids together. One of my deal breakers was if I caught her smoking the green stuff again that it would be over....she agreed to this. For 2 days things were absolutely perfect. After supper I always go for a walk and when I was coming back in I met her at the front door and she had a strange look on her face. A "friend" of hers had given her some weed. I reminded her of the deal she made with me and all she could say was, "it's just a little bit and the kids are in bed." Even so, she went out to the garage and smoked it. I was heartbroken and felt betrayed. A few words were said but nothing too serious. She sent me an apology txt later that night but it felt so empty. The next morning at work I had not heard from her at all and it was eating at me like crazy. I sent here a text telling her how upset I was and she said she didn't have time to deal with me. I was furious so I responded back with some mean words (like anyone would). Now we are right back where we were and she's telling me she's leaving, and I'm like wtf? She is the one that broke her promise and its getting blamed on me. Is it time to move on and should I have even given her another chance? If you love somebody, you keep your promises to them, so the way I see it, she has no love or respect for me.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

M&C said:


> I was furious so I responded back with some mean words (like anyone would).


I don't respond with mean words when I'm angry.

Mean words are hurtful, they leave invisible scars, they damage relationships. 

They have no positive value.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You have children. This makes your situation complicated. It is clear that you have grown up and your wife has not. Her friend brought her the weed because she's a pothead. Now she wants out of your marriage because she does not want to grow up. Accept her for who she is: a pothead and an irresponsible wife and mother.

You need to see an attorney to protect your rights. There is something else that is bubbling below the surface as she wants out of your marriage. Follow the advice of your attorney to the letter.

How old are you, your wife, and your children? Does she work?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She can't even go 48 hours without it, that is a sign of addict. She needs help, and sadly i suspect she will deny it, but she is an addict.


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

header said:


> I don't respond with mean words when I'm angry.
> 
> Mean words are hurtful, they leave invisible scars, they damage relationships.
> 
> They have no positive value.


Yes you are right and I apologized for what I said shortly after but I had to let her know I was serious. The way I see it, it was take some mean words or pack her bags for breaking her promise like she agreed to.


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

Roselyn said:


> How old are you, your wife, and your children? Does she work?


We are early 30's with a 9 year old and 4 year old. We both work and have good jobs.


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

Xenote said:


> She can't even go 48 hours without it, that is a sign of addict. She needs help, and sadly i suspect she will deny it, but she is an addict.


She sees weed as being harmless. "it's not like I snort coke." is what she says.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

M&C said:


> She sees weed as being harmless. "it's not like I snort coke." is what she says.


Please tell me your not buying that argument...alcoholics say the same thing about booze....stay focused on the well being of the children


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is a mother of two children not a teen princess any more.

She needs to grow up.


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

Xenote said:


> Please tell me your not buying that argument...alcoholics say the same thing about booze....stay focused on the well being of the children


Of course not, we used to do that as a recreational habit once in a while with friends but when you must have it multiple times a day, then it's clearly a problem.
BTW this forum is an awesome place to vent...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

M&C said:


> I have been married to my wife for 10 years and the last year has been bad. The worse it gets, the more we abuse alcohol and my wife has turned into a full blow pot head out of nowhere. I am not completely innocent in this either but no wheres near the extent she is. Last weekend (10th anniversary) we rented a beautiful cottage and it was almost like falling back in love with her like we did when we were teenagers. We had a talk about our substance abuse and both agreed that it needed to stop as we have 2 kids together. One of my deal breakers was if I caught her smoking the green stuff again that it would be over....she agreed to this. For 2 days things were absolutely perfect. After supper I always go for a walk and when I was coming back in I met her at the front door and she had a strange look on her face. A "friend" of hers had given her some weed. I reminded her of the deal she made with me and all she could say was, "it's just a little bit and the kids are in bed." Even so, she went out to the garage and smoked it. I was heartbroken and felt betrayed. A few words were said but nothing too serious. She sent me an apology txt later that night but it felt so empty. The next morning at work I had not heard from her at all and it was eating at me like crazy. I sent here a text telling her how upset I was and she said she didn't have time to deal with me. I was furious so I responded back with some mean words (like anyone would). Now we are right back where we were and she's telling me she's leaving, and I'm like wtf? She is the one that broke her promise and its getting blamed on me. Is it time to move on and should I have even given her another chance? If you love somebody, you keep your promises to them, so the way I see it, she has no love or respect for me.


The talk about substance abuse was good. Agreeing to change for the better (together) was good. I think she wanted to believe she could kick her habits. Ultimately she has to make that choice for her self rather that being in a conversation with someone else (youe) who made the choice. A lot of people can't do it but some do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So who is the ""friend""???

My only suggestion is start gathering boxes at the local markets and start bringing them home from work!

If you guys start packing now she might be able to move out with said friend with in a few weeks.

Wish her the best and tell her you love her ....when she can keep a promise!

At the end of the day you have boundaries and when she makes statement like " I'll stop the weed" or "I want to leave" you expect her to keep her word.


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

the guy said:


> So who is the ""friend""??? QUOTE]
> It is a female co-worker of hers that I got a bad vibe from the first time I met her. She is a single mother (kid has never met father and just an overall skank IMO)) and it's almost like she wants my wife to be the same. I have no idea why but it's like she looks up to this person. Pretty sure my wife complains about me to her and encourages leaving.


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

intheory said:


> No matter what the addiction or bad habit is; people only quit or change when they want to.
> I know it hurts that your wife won't do this for you, don't take it too personally, it's how human nature works.
> What types of problems are you having in your marriage?
> Has your wife any other coping strategies for when she is sad or bored;other than drinking or smoking marijuana?


I honestly think she could kick the habit but this friend is pulling her back in and enabling. Our problems just consist of fighting over the most immature stuff; no cheating or anything like that has ever occurred to my knowledge. And no she really doesn't have any hobbies to occupy her time but does have a busy job and takes good care of our home (as do I), she is not lazy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get a bound notebook. Write down every instance of pot use, starting with the first date you know of. Write it down journal style, up to the present day. Keep track of every time she uses it. When you file for divorce, you're going to want to present that to the judge so that you can get custody of the kids until she kicks the habit.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

M&C said:


> I have been married to my wife for 10 years and the last year has been bad. The worse it gets, the more we abuse alcohol and my wife has turned into a full blow pot head out of nowhere. I am not completely innocent in this either but no wheres near the extent she is. Last weekend (10th anniversary) we rented a beautiful cottage and it was almost like falling back in love with her like we did when we were teenagers. We had a talk about our substance abuse and both agreed that it needed to stop as we have 2 kids together. One of my deal breakers was if I caught her smoking the green stuff again that it would be over....she agreed to this. For 2 days things were absolutely perfect. After supper I always go for a walk and when I was coming back in I met her at the front door and she had a strange look on her face. A "friend" of hers had given her some weed. I reminded her of the deal she made with me and all she could say was, "it's just a little bit and the kids are in bed." Even so, she went out to the garage and smoked it. I was heartbroken and felt betrayed. A few words were said but nothing too serious. She sent me an apology txt later that night but it felt so empty. The next morning at work I had not heard from her at all and it was eating at me like crazy. I sent here a text telling her how upset I was and she said she didn't have time to deal with me. I was furious so I responded back with some mean words (like anyone would). Now we are right back where we were and she's telling me she's leaving, and I'm like wtf? She is the one that broke her promise and its getting blamed on me. Is it time to move on and should I have even given her another chance? If you love somebody, you keep your promises to them, so the way I see it, she has no love or respect for me.


I'm actually not morally opposed to weed, I think it's *relatively* harmless as far as drugs go (compared to alcohol, meth, coke, etc). The reality is though, that depending on where you live there are tremendous legal consequences. In the US you can lose your home through Civil Asset Forfeiture, and there is no trial (they say the house is guilty and has no rights...). Add the kids to the situation, and that's a whole other mess.

I think you should hold to your word: Tell her she needs to go. That you love her, but you both agreed this was the path. If she wants to stay, she needs to get help (I recommend counseling; not a fan of the Narcotics / Alcoholics Anonymous groups myself).

Do not let her leave with the children. Do not leave yourself. She needs to go. You need to get completely clean. No more drugs, no more alcohol. 

Turnera's advice is good. I'd like to add this: make sure you test clean before you start divorce proceedings if at all possible. If you make an issue out of her drug use, you'd better be completely clean. She'll mention your prior use.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

So you are both smoking pot I take it and now you want both of you to quit. You can't make her quit. She has to want to quit. Does it have to be all or nothing? What is wrong with her smoking it once in a while? I'm not pro pot but it's not like she is using meth or cocaine. I'm not surprised she is angry, you are acting like her Dad not her husband and that's a turn off.


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

Happilymarried25 said:


> So you are both smoking pot I take it and now you want both of you to quit. You can't make her quit. She has to want to quit. Does it have to be all or nothing? What is wrong with her smoking it once in a while? I'm not pro pot but it's not like she is using meth or cocaine. I'm not surprised she is angry, you are acting like her Dad not her husband and that's a turn off.


Yes I smoked too but she would smoke 10x more than me. She said herself that she had to stop long ago. I was just sick of it being in my house and around our kids. I also told her it was fine to smoke it once and a while (eg. Saturday night once the kids were to bed) but not multiple times a day. Her response to that was "It can either be all or nothing with me so it has to go." So no, I'm not treating her like her dad.


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

turnera said:


> Get a bound notebook. Write down every instance of pot use, starting with the first date you know of. Write it down journal style, up to the present day. Keep track of every time she uses it. When you file for divorce, you're going to want to present that to the judge so that you can get custody of the kids until she kicks the habit.


Yes that is excellent advice. I started doing this a while back when she would have her "freak outs."


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Look into SMARTrecovery for her. It's a great alternative to AA and NA. It's an abstinence program but it's based on cognitive behavioral therapy, not a "higher power" or 12 step program:

Self Help Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

intheory said:


> "Misery loves company"
> 
> 
> "Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas"
> ...


You are 100% right about that! She has other friends but they seem to come and go. No real long term friends.


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> Look into SMARTrecovery for her. It's a great alternative to AA and NA. It's an abstinence program but it's based on cognitive behavioral therapy, not a "higher power" or 12 step program:
> 
> Self Help Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats a great suggestion but she would laugh at that...


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

M&C said:


> Yes you are right and I apologized for what I said shortly after but I had to let her know I was serious. The way I see it, it was take some mean words or pack her bags for breaking her promise like she agreed to.


Or be more understanding and accept that she's having difficulty breaking her bad habit even though she's making the attempt.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Because as everyone knows potheads, with their need to score, mood swings, violence, forgetfulness, paranoia, apathy, self-pity and the like always make such first class parents.

Note: if anyone on TAM smokes dope and you are none of the above, then that's cool for you. 

I am talking about addicts, AKA, potheads. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

header said:


> Or be more understanding and accept that she's having difficulty breaking her bad habit even though she's making the attempt.


What attempt was that, again? The one where she said I can do it as much as I want?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

M&C said:


> the guy said:
> 
> 
> > So who is the ""friend""??? QUOTE]
> ...


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

header said:


> Or be more understanding and accept that she's having difficulty breaking her bad habit even though she's making the attempt.


I agree. She made it two days, and then she stumbled. Maybe she overestimated her willpower. Quitting anything cold turkey is difficult. She needs support, not punishment.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OpenWindows said:


> I agree. She made it two days, and then she stumbled. Maybe she overestimated her willpower. Quitting anything cold turkey is difficult. She needs support, not punishment.


She needs professional help.

It really makes the difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## M&C (Jan 7, 2016)

the guy said:


> M&C said:
> 
> 
> > So does this single mother have a boy friend?
> ...


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## sally40 (Aug 7, 2015)

Hi M,

I see it differently -- I think your wife told you what she figured you wanted to hear, i.e., she was saying "sure honey, I'll never smoke weed again, even though I'm addicted." She probably did not want to let you down, so she probably agreed to never smoke again, while knowing she would --have trouble-- kicking the habit.

She has a habit that is TOUGH to break -- I would not take it personally, or a as slight against your marriage commitment, that she fell back into the addiction. Consider that some people lean on their addiction (in this case, your wife and weed) to self-medicate themselves when stressed.

With alcoholism, I've heard that it's an illness -- to not hold anger toward the addicted spouse, but rather hold anger for the addiction itself. 

My guess is she mentioned divorce as she knew she let you down. Maybe she was ashamed or felt judged, and used the word divorce. I would not give up on the marriage. Try to see her as someone who needs help in overcoming her addiction -- that is not the same thing as her not loving you. Best of luck!!!


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## sally40 (Aug 7, 2015)

XEnote -- yes alcoholics do say the same about booze "I drink but I still show up for work everyday" Denial denial. I hope the original posters wife agrees to get help. His kids deserve better than the lack-of-a-role-model the wife is now.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." - Mark Twain

He was talking about tobacco, but I know from personal experience that it's equally true for marijuana.


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