# frustrated



## lotsoftears57 (Aug 25, 2013)

I am not sure what the problem really is. Maybe someone can tell me. I was married to my first husband and we had an awesome sex life. We were very much in love for 9 years and was High School sweet hearts. We had two children together and then later got divorce due to other issues. Well, after the divorce I had several men dating and tried having sex with certain ones and I could not get an orgasm. Then I meet my second husband and for 30 years of marriage and trying to get counseling/therapy. I still can't have n orgasm. I am so frustrated, but when I masturbate I can reach an orgasm. Please give me some feedback on this issue of mines.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You probably do not trust anyone after what happened in your first marriage. It's just a guess on my part but seems to make sense from what you said.

Have you tried a counselor who is also a sex therapist?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Do you feel open and relaxed to have a conversation with your partners and explore different position and Technics?


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## lotsoftears57 (Aug 25, 2013)

We haven't tried a sex therapist yet. We have gone to counseling only for awhile. when she gave us homework to do for example try holding hands for 3 minutes. Or try just sitting close to each other holding hand for 3 minutes.We couldn't even do that. We were so uncomfortable. The sex stopped cause my husband felt bad I could not reach an orgasm and he did all the time. So, it hurt him and he got frustrated. It's very sad, and yes I have been through 2 Fathers in my life and they both hurt me very deeply. I really did love my first husband, but we did get divorce cause things didn't work out. But we had such passionate sex and I will never forget get him for showing me his love.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your trust is broken. You can't orgasm if you don't trust. It's a huge issue.

read the threads started by Miss Scarlett. She generously chronicles her quest to have orgasms with her husband. I think you might find a kindred spirit, though perhaps for different reasons.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/79017-18-years-no-orgasms.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/99905-18-years-no-o-follow-up-advice-needed.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/105394-18-years-no-o-miss-scarlett-has-found-success.html

Now don't cheat and start with the last thread. Begin at the beginning and read all the way through.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lotsoftears57 said:


> I am not sure what the problem really is. Maybe someone can tell me. I was married to my first husband and we had an awesome sex life. We were very much in love for 9 years and was High School sweet hearts. We had two children together and then later got divorce due to other issues. Well, after the divorce I had several men dating and tried having sex with certain ones and I could not get an orgasm. Then I meet my second husband and for 30 years of marriage and trying to get counseling/therapy. I still can't have n orgasm. I am so frustrated, but when I masturbate I can reach an orgasm. Please give me some feedback on this issue of mines.



Could be your first husband, high school sweet heart, father of your kids, "was the one" for you, your soul mate and true match. Guys after him and your current 2nd husband will never be the same. Plus after the divorce, no longer with your high school sweetheart, the trust isn't there like it was before.


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## lotsoftears57 (Aug 25, 2013)

Yes cuddlebud, I really loved my first husband. He waited 2 years before I gave myself to him. It was so wonderful and I am not really understanding the part of trust you mentioned. Why is it you mentioned that I don't trust any other man? I know deep down in me that there will be no other man that can ever make me feel the way my first husband had made me feel in love and the way he made sex so wonderful and exciting. But, I have been very open with my 2nd husband and told him and tried even teaching him about how I do like it. He seems to not be able to do it. It's very sad and I hate to think of when the moment he one day passes away. I will feel more emotionally hurt cause we never could get intimate nor sexual throughout our whole marriage.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

When you focus on the O, you put yourself and your partner under a lot of pressure. My recommendation is to take the O off the table. 

Spend time exploring each others body and communicating about how the different touches over the different parts of each others bodies feel. 

Spend time just focused on pleasure. It is not about getting to the O or any other point, it is about the "now," the pleasure in this moment. 

Play with each other, massage each other, caress each other and just focus on the pleasure in that moment. Relax and enjoy giving pleasure to your partner and then swap positions and relax and enjoy receiving pleasure from your partner. 

Make it all about being in the moment and not going for the goal, driven to attain the big O. You can even make it a point to avoid the O. 

Our arousal goes in cycles, waxing and waning, so enjoy the ride and see where it takes you. 

You may be surprised once you take all the pressure to perform out of the equation, how much pleasure you can get with each other.


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## lotsoftears57 (Aug 25, 2013)

WOW Lovemylife, gee I never looked at it the way you explained it. I just don't know how to begin, cause I start to get anxieties. My mind starts to play with me and I start avoiding him. It's easy for me to talk, but I can't seem to do the walking. I would love to do what your suggesting. :smthumbup:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

have you been masterbating a certine way? maybe you conditioned your self to only orgasm the way you masterbate.


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## lotsoftears57 (Aug 25, 2013)

Hi Chillymorn, I probably do masturbate the way I like it to be. I feel very relaxed after I have the orgasm. when I am with my husband it's very uncomfortable and I have been trying to tell him and communicate with him countless of times about how I would like it and when he tries it doesn't work out. so, we just stopped trying and now we are room mates. Pretty sad and this has been going on a long time. My husband feels that masturbating is dirty and he doesn't like to talk about our sex issues at all for the past 15 years and we have been together for 30 yrs. His 7 yrs younger then I am and he has had a problem with everything. I even told him to see a doctor and he did, and that's a plus sign and he found out his testostorone levels were low. So, the doc gave him injection and then told him change over to a cream. Well, my husband never followed up with his doctor.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lotsoftears57 said:


> Yes cuddlebud, I really loved my first husband. He waited 2 years before I gave myself to him. It was so wonderful and I am not really understanding the part of trust you mentioned. Why is it you mentioned that I don't trust any other man? I know deep down in me that there will be no other man that can ever make me feel the way my first husband had made me feel in love and the way he made sex so wonderful and exciting. But, I have been very open with my 2nd husband and told him and tried even teaching him about how I do like it. He seems to not be able to do it. It's very sad and I hate to think of when the moment he one day passes away. I will feel more emotionally hurt cause we never could get intimate nor sexual throughout our whole marriage.



My first gf I gave everything, but after she broke my heart, I was never the same again.

There's a saying "the first is the worst", meaning, you are 100% into your first love but if it goes bad, the next love is less and the trust is not like it was with the first true love. See?

We get hardened to an extent and don't do the things we would of done with our first.

My experiences anyway.


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## krepspzns (Sep 9, 2013)

It's very sad, and yes I have been through 2 Fathers in my life and they both hurt me very deeply.


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## lotsoftears57 (Aug 25, 2013)

Thanxs CuddleBug for explaining the trust thing and you are so right. I loved my first husband and I tried everything to make it work. He was a great lover, provider, and a hard worker. he helped anyone who needed help. He even saved a tourist from drowning risking his own life. The problem was he was addicted to drugs and it got to the point were I didn't want the children to see this in their life. I was no angel either cause I was straight and wanted to change him. I thought by me becoming like him he would see this and change. of course that didn't work and I became a monster. I later cleaned up by going to rehab for my sake and the children. We then got divorce, but I still feel love for ever for this man. I have two wonderful son's who are adults now and my ex died 5 yrs ago from drugs. Thanxs CuddleBug


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

lotsoftears57 said:


> I am not sure what the problem really is. Maybe someone can tell me. I was married to my first husband and we had an awesome sex life. *We were very much in love for 9 years and was High School sweet hearts*.... Then I meet my second husband and for 30 years of marriage and trying to get counseling/therapy. I still can't have n orgasm... but when I masturbate I can reach an orgasm.





lotsoftears57 said:


> We haven't tried a sex therapist yet. We have gone to counseling only for awhile. when she gave us homework to do for example _try holding hands for 3 minutes. Or try just sitting close to each other holding hand for 3 minutes.We couldn't even do that. We were so uncomfortable_. The sex stopped cause my husband felt bad I could not reach an orgasm and he did all the time. So, it hurt him and he got frustrated. ... *I really did love my first husband, we had such passionate sex and I will never forget get him for showing me his love.*





lotsoftears57 said:


> Yes cuddlebud, *I really loved my first husband. He waited 2 years before I gave myself to him. It was so wonderful* ... *I know deep down in me that there will be no other man that can ever make me feel the way my first husband had made me feel in love and the way he made sex so wonderful and exciting*. _But, I have been very open with my 2nd husband and told him and tried even teaching him about how I do like it. He seems to not be able to do it. It's very sad and I hate to think of when the moment he one day passes away. I will feel more emotionally hurt cause we never could get intimate nor sexual throughout our whole marriage._





lotsoftears57 said:


> ..I probably do masturbate the way I like it to be. ..when I am with my husband it's very uncomfortable and I have been trying to tell him and communicate with him countless of times about how I would like it and when he tries it doesn't work out. so, we just stopped trying and now we are room mates. ... _*My husband feels that masturbating is dirty and he doesn't like to talk about our sex issues at all for the past 15 years and we have been together for 30 yrs.*_ His 7 yrs younger then I am and he has had a problem with everything. I even told him to see a doctor and he did, and that's a plus sign and he found out his testostorone levels were low. So, the doc gave him injection and then told him change over to a cream. Well, my husband never followed up with his doctor.





lotsoftears57 said:


> ... *I loved my first husband and ... He was a great lover, provider, and a hard worker. ... We then got divorce, but I still feel love for ever for this man.*


Wow, where to begin. First I want to say that I feel for you and your situation, I can imagine how frustrating it is to live your life thinking that something is being held back from you, or denied to you because you once felt something that you can no longer feel. Just as you must have dealt with the idea of chasing a high when you battled addiction, you must also be willing to realize that your current husband will never be your previous husband, no matter how badly you want that to happen. In this entire thread you continuously point out how amazing your first husband was, I've now reread this thread a few times, and I cant find a single positive thing you say about your current husband. It sound as if you've not only constantly compared your current husband to your previous one, but your memory and impression of your first husband are idealized versions of the truth. These are deep and problematic issues that require intense introspection and counseling to resolve.

You yourself say that you have been open with your current husband about your feelings. If I was in his shoes and kept feeling like I was being compared to an impossible standard I would also suffer from low sex drive and be uncomfortable with intimacy. How can he feel comfortable holding your hand if he knows that you will simply be comparing the feeling of it to the way your first husband did it? His feelings on masturbation and lack of communication about your sex life may also be linked to this problem. If he thought that every time you masturbated you thought of your first husband, or every time the topic of sex came up he would inevitably be compared to someone else, he would understandably have a very hard time being comfortable.

I am not sure why you seem to have such a hard time letting go of the past, but it is an issue that has to be dealt with if you want any meaningful change to occur in your marriage. Your husband needs to get back on track with hormone replacement therapy, and you both need to see a counselor that specializes in sex therapy. I think you may also benefit from seeing a psychiatrist and discussing your fixation about your first late husband. Drugs like Abilify ma ybe of great help to you in dealing with those kinds of thought patterns. I wish you the best, and hope you and your husband can work things out.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Paladin said:


> Wow, where to begin. First I want to say that I feel for you and your situation, I can imagine how frustrating it is to live your life thinking that something is being held back from you, or denied to you because you once felt something that you can no longer feel. Just as you must have dealt with the idea of chasing a high when you battled addiction, you must also be willing to realize that your current husband will never be your previous husband, no matter how badly you want that to happen. In this entire thread you continuously point out how amazing your first husband was, I've now reread this thread a few times, and I cant find a single positive thing you say about your current husband. It sound as if you've not only constantly compared your current husband to your previous one, but your memory and impression of your first husband are idealized versions of the truth. These are deep and problematic issues that require intense introspection and counseling to resolve.
> 
> You yourself say that you have been open with your current husband about your feelings. If I was in his shoes and kept feeling like I was being compared to an impossible standard I would also suffer from low sex drive and be uncomfortable with intimacy. How can he feel comfortable holding your hand if he knows that you will simply be comparing the feeling of it to the way your first husband did it? His feelings on masturbation and lack of communication about your sex life may also be linked to this problem. If he thought that every time you masturbated you thought of your first husband, or every time the topic of sex came up he would inevitably be compared to someone else, he would understandably have a very hard time being comfortable.
> 
> I am not sure why you seem to have such a hard time letting go of the past, but it is an issue that has to be dealt with if you want any meaningful change to occur in your marriage. Your husband needs to get back on track with hormone replacement therapy, and you both need to see a counselor that specializes in sex therapy. I think you may also benefit from seeing a psychiatrist and discussing your fixation about your first late husband. Drugs like Abilify ma ybe of great help to you in dealing with those kinds of thought patterns. I wish you the best, and hope you and your husband can work things out.


Exactly! If I were your current husband, I'd feel like I'd always be second best in your eyes. No one wants to feel that way. Love him with your whole heart or let him find someone who does.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi, nice to meet you - I am in therapy currently for the same issue. I can/could get off like gangbusters by myself but not with another person until recently (and sadly it is not an issue that is just 'solved' with an orgasm as I'm finding out.

Did you ever have sexual intimacy with your current husband or was it something else that drew you to him?

It is very, very difficult to reach that level of sexual intimacy with a partner who wont talk about sex and wont consider alternate forms of orgasm (like masturbation). I did start with my husband recently by having him watch me. This took really a lot of courage for me because we never really talked about sex. I was sure when I got done he would have lost his erection. So I must also fear he finds it dirty and a turn off - or perhaps some part of me does.

In any case - women like you and I don't have a physical problem because we can have orgasms without much difficulty. Its the psychological issue of adding another person into the mix. If we can get off, someone else should be able to get us off. 

You mentioned anxiety and I find this to be the case as well - when my husband starts to focus on me with the objective of orgasm my primary feeling is one of anxiety. Anxiety that his feelings will be hurt if I don't have one - anxiety that I wont be able to regardless of circumstance - anxiety that I am broken /deformed /unfixable.

One part of the solution is to change the pathway in our brains. This is
difficult. The other part of the solution is having a partner that is willing to take this journey with you, knowing that they too are going to have to 
change. 30 years is an awful long time of doing things a certain way.

Best of luck to you!


You mentioned anxiety - I also find this to be the case with the e


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