# Wife flirting



## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

Hi,

My wife lost a lot of weight last year, like about 100 lbs, and it was a great accomplishment. Problem is she started blatantly flirting with guys while in front of me. One day when we were shopping with our kids I noticed she was exchanging glances with some guy. She saw that I noticed and then looked back at him twice to kind of rub it in that she found the guy attractive and so did he. This really pissed me off and I called her out on it that night but she denied everything saying it was all in my head and she didn't know what i was talking about.

So i started thinking that she was cheating on me or planning to cheat on me. I started thinking about how protective of her phone she was (she had an online affair kind of thing about 10 years ago where she pretended to be someone else) and all kinds of thoughts started going through my head. She reassured me she only wanted me and denied everything. 

A few weeks later at my kid's concert i catch her staring at another dad that was sitting in front of us. I was right beside her and it was really obvious she was doing it to make me jealous. She has denied this ever happened too. 

We went to a park with our kids last summer and she was having basically a staring contest with another guy while i was sitting right next to her watching our kids. 

Over and over again she has done this sort of thing and then when i call her out on it and tell her I've had enough she just pretends it's all in my head. This practically ruined a vacation we took as a family as well because she kept doing this sort of stuff.

Now I understand that she enjoys the attention she has been getting that maybe she hadn't before. I also believe that it's ok to look at people we find attractive. I do the same thing, I just try to be subtle and respectful about it when we are together so she doesn't notice. But it's not exactly the same thing when I look at a woman that i find attractive and she pays no attention to me whatsoever, compared to her eye-f**cking some guy so that he stares back and it turns into a creepy situation with our young kids present.

We have had many fights about this and I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore if this was going to continue but every time we discuss it she denies it and gaslights me. She has told me recently that she is scared all the time and thinks whenever we go out that I'm going to think she's looking at someone. This is BS because I caught her staring at some guy just a few weeks ago while we were walking with our kids. She stared to get his attention so that he would stare back and I would see it. The guy either didn't notice, wasn't attracted or was gay because she made it really obvious.

I would like to turn the tables on her and get women to check me out in public but i'm not this stud that women drool over, lol. I have never been a jealous and possessive guy in our almost 20 year relationship. She used to be jealous of me whenever I went out with my friends but I never had a problem with her doing stuff like that. Now that we are older we never go out with friends. We basically just work and spend time at home with the kids. So I don't think she would have time to cheat in person but I think online sexting and stuff is very possible as she has done it before. I have said that I want access to her phone and she can check mine just because being protective of it is a red flag. 

Anyway I just don't know what to do about this anymore. If we didn't have kids I would be ending the relationship because I can't take it much more. She actually gained a lot of the weight back and I try to avoid going out in public with her so I don't have to deal with it. She has done it less than she used to but every now and then she does it to make me jealous and it makes me really angry. 

What pisses me off the most is that she tells me it's all in my head and then she does it again. I hate going out with her cause I'm always thinking when is it going to happen again. Also if she is doing this when I am with her then how is she acting with other guys when I'm not there. I know I sound really insecure (and whiny) and that is part of it but I don't think this is normal behavior in a relationship. 

Any ideas as to how I should handle this?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When she does it call her out on it.Loudly and immediately.
I own a health studio and one of the problems we have is people (mostly men) staring at other clients.We tried a few things when we got complaints but what works best is if one of the trainers loudly asks the perpetrator to concentrate on their own workout rather than someone else’s.
She is **** testing you and if one of these guys quietly asks for her number she will give it to him.
By the way don’t put yourself down so much.Whats to stop you going to the gym and getting fit,maybe go and get a new hairstyle.Also buy some new clothes because if she lost a hundred pounds she must have bought a whole new wardrobe.Dont take her **** lying down and start off by refusing to accompany her on her ego trips.
One last thing.Have you complimented her regularly on her weight loss or is this one of the reasons she is seeking validation from other men.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

So she has already had an online affair once.
She denied that, and probably tried to make 
you think you were imagining things then.

How old are the both of you ?
Since she lost a lot of weight 
she started seeking attention
in front of you. Just like you 
said people look at attractive
people but hide it. I think since you 
have discussed this with her and 
she continues to do it that is a problem.

You should not have to live your life like 
a hermit and be afraid to go out. That will
cause more problems anyway. Maybe try
counseling first. If that does not work suggest
divorce. If you see her doing this do not let her 
think you are crazy. No this is not normal behavior
in a relationship.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You sound like a puppy just trying to bark, but since there's not teeth to it. It is just background noise to your wife. 

She is so blatantly disrespecting you in your face, and all you do is bark. No consequences. Until you seriously give her some real consequences this will be your groundhog loop, over and over until she does cheat on you for real. What are you going to do then?


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> When she does it call her out on it.Loudly and immediately.
> I own a health studio and one of the problems we have is people (mostly men) staring at other clients.We tried a few things when we got complaints but what works best is if one of the trainers loudly asks the perpetrator to concentrate on their own workout rather than someone else’s.
> She is **** testing you and if one of these guys quietly asks for her number she will give it to him.
> By the way don’t put yourself down so much.Whats to stop you going to the gym and getting fit,maybe go and get a new hairstyle.Also buy some new clothes because if she lost a hundred pounds she must have bought a whole new wardrobe.Dont take her **** lying down and start off by refusing to accompany her on her ego trips.
> One last thing.Have you complimented her regularly on her weight loss or is this one of the reasons she is seeking validation from other men.


I've tried to ignore it lately and not call her out anymore because it has caused so many fights and we've gotten nowhere. Just her denying it and frustrating me. I'll say she has been doing it again and she asks when. Then I tell her and she flips out and says I'm crazy cause she doesn't even remember any guy. Trust me i'm not imagining any of this. I wish I could not let it bug me but it's hard.

I have been trying to get in shape but I eat and drink cause of stress. She gained half the weight back but now she's trying to get back on track again. 

I'm a decent looking guy but short so most women wouldn't even consider me. 

I'm not perfect, maybe I didn't pay attention to her before like she wanted and didn't tell her she was pretty. You know the usual reasons women say they cheat on men. After the first time she did this though we started having sex every night. That lasted a while and died down but not that much. I feel like she's been messing with my mind though and I don't really trust her so it makes me not want to treat her better when she is treating me badly.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

sa58 said:


> So she has already had an online affair once.
> She denied that, and probably tried to make
> you think you were imagining things then.
> 
> ...



The online affair she played off like it was just a game. She sent the guy pictures of a really hot woman and pretended it was her. So I knew they never met or anything. He also lived pretty far away. 

She's going to be 40 soon and I'm 41.

We have talked about counseling. I'd like to do it just so I can get her to admit it's happening. Maybe that would allow us to at least discuss it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

When she does this, stand very tall and calmly tell her you arent sticking around to watch her work the room, hand her cab fare and leave.

When shrieks like a banshee, stay calm and simply tell her the same thing.

When you're calm, tell her while you're proud of her weight loss, it has revealed some highly unattractive character, and that she can flirt or she can remain married.

No begging, no engaging in argument. Just calm and resolute.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well if all she is doing is staring not sure what your recourse is. I mean yes it rude and may potentially be a red flag but if she is not interacting then what can you do. It's up to you what you are willing to put up with.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Sounds like she is still playing a game.
She is just playing in real life, not online.
Don't play he game. What is the next step 
in her game when this gets boring to her ?
If she continues and you have a spare room
put her stuff in there. Go out on your own
tell her your not going to play her game. Tell
her you are going to live your life with her
or without her. Her choice!!

You can go to counseling on your own to start.
Tell her you are interested in saving the marriage,
if she is she will stop playing her game and join 
you. Stop this now before she goes farther.
Even if she stops whatever it is stay vigilant
she may just go out alone. Just a girls night out 
with friends stuff. 

You are not crazy , she did it before, just differently now.
Do not tolerate this it will get worse, sounds like it 
already has.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> When she does this, stand very tall and calmly tell her you arent sticking around to watch her work the room, hand her cab fare and leave.
> 
> When shrieks like a banshee, stay calm and simply tell her the same thing.
> 
> ...


I've tried it. I told her to leave me cause she seems to want to be single. I said I would be ready to move on, that it would just be sad for the kids. I have told her it's going to be over if she keeps it up and I'm going to leave her. Every time she says none of this is happening. I can't talk to her anymore about it. It doesn't make sense to me. If she had caught me doing it once I would be very careful not to get caught doing it again. I would want to avoid causing fights because of it. She wants to start fights and then says that I think she's a monster and she would never do anything to hurt me. It's sick really.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Don't move out of your house.
She will then be able to do what she 
wants. She will then use that against
you if divorce happens. She is wrong tell
he rot move if it comes to that.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

sa58 said:


> Sounds like she is still playing a game.
> She is just playing in real life, not online.
> Don't play he game. What is the next step
> in her game when this gets boring to her ?
> ...



I did two sessions with a therapist and she did two herself. I wonder if she was actually honest about what was happening or she just spun it as her getting more attention and me not being able to handle it.

I think we'll have to go together.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Of course she spun it. She has made you feel
like your crazy. It is all your fault she has done 
nothing wrong. That is called blame shifting.
If she cheats she will probably blame you to.

He is so jealous and insecure.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

sa58 said:


> Don't move out of your house.
> She will then be able to do what she
> wants. She will then use that against
> you if divorce happens. She is wrong tell
> he rot move if it comes to that.


If it comes to that I will offer to give her half of the value of the house and leave and I will stay.

I just don't want to do that to my kids. Not see them every day and some other guy moving into their lives would be hard.

I don't like having to worry about this though.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

sa58 said:


> Of course she spun it. She has made you feel
> like your crazy. It is all your fault she has done
> nothing wrong. That is called blame shifting.
> If she cheats she will probably blame you to.
> ...


Yeah you're right. I don't know if a marriage counselor would get her to stop that and admit what's going on.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Jay Bee said:


> I've tried to ignore it lately and not call her out anymore because it has caused so many fights and we've gotten nowhere. Just her denying it and frustrating me. I'll say she has been doing it again and she asks when. Then I tell her and she flips out and says I'm crazy cause she doesn't even remember any guy. Trust me i'm not imagining any of this. I wish I could not let it bug me but it's hard.
> 
> I have been trying to get in shape but I eat and drink cause of stress. She gained half the weight back but now she's trying to get back on track again.
> 
> ...


Stop.

Stop with the game playing. Stop with the mind games. Stop with the tit for tat.

It is what it is. Full and complete disrespect.

Look we're all human beings. Maybe we've seen an attractive person or whatever and had a quick look, that is vastly, hugely different from actively staring and inviting someone to check you back out. It is what it is. Flirting, heavy suggestion, I'm with my husband but I'm checking you out.

Meanwhile you go home and fall to the floor like a child throwing tantrums and she says I wasn't looking at him...lol...game playing. Stop it!

You're not children.

I have no suggestion on how to stop it because you're asking us how to make your wife respect you in public. She either wants to or she doesn't. She gets off on this.

You either live with it as you're doing or you don't.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

The other night after we had sex she started crying and saying all she wants is for me to love her. Then she says she knows we've had problems but she really loves me. She says I'm not going to believe her so she can't even talk about it. I didn't say anything because I can't be baited into another argument about that. She started the problems. If she would just admit it, apologize, and stop doing it, we could move on. That's what I need. I keep trying to put it out of my mind but then I think about what has happened and it just makes me angry.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Jay Bee said:


> I've tried it. I told her to leave me cause she seems to want to be single. I said I would be ready to move on, that it would just be sad for the kids. I have told her it's going to be over if she keeps it up and I'm going to leave her. Every time she says none of this is happening. I can't talk to her anymore about it. It doesn't make sense to me. If she had caught me doing it once I would be very careful not to get caught doing it again. I would want to avoid causing fights because of it. She wants to start fights and then says that I think she's a monster and she would never do anything to hurt me. It's sick really.


Your too passive. Even when you go the 'divorce route' you tell her to do it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Jay Bee said:


> The other night after we had sex she started crying and saying all she wants is for me to love her. Then she says she knows we've had problems but she really loves me. She says I'm not going to believe her so she can't even talk about it. I didn't say anything because I can't be baited into another argument about that. She started the problems. If she would just admit it, apologize, and stop doing it, we could move on. That's what I need. I keep trying to put it out of my mind but then I think about what has happened and it just makes me angry.


Okay, I've read more and I'm confused. Is she REALLY overtly flirting, or does she simply look, and you're mad and have dug in your heels till she waves the white flag?

BTW, my suggestion was not to lecture or threaten. You simply make a statement and leave the bar/restaurant.

You're behaving more like a stubborn child.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Okay, I've read more and I'm confused. Is she REALLY overtly flirting, or does she simply look, and you're mad and have dug in your heels till she waves the white flag?
> 
> BTW, my suggestion was not to lecture or threaten. You simply make a statement and leave the bar/restaurant.
> 
> You're behaving more like a stubborn child.


As we're walking through a mall or whatever, she gives guys long suggestive stares to get their attention and then they stare back at her in a really creepy way. Most guys don't even notice her unless she does this. It's her initiating it. She's still really heavy btw. Not that they don't notice her but they stare cause she is.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

H and W are to make one another feel safe in their marriage. Your W is not making you feel safe. That is problem. Your W fails to see this makes you uncomfortable and does not care because her self-esteem is being lifted by guys staring back. Let he do the oddball staring game. You can't control your W in this aspect or any for that matter. Nor can your W go with blinders on. So, you come to grips your W has issues with "people watching" to the point of being creepy or you move to call the ball on the marriage.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

I say if you're a good dude, the sex is good etc......yeah she's disrespecting you, but only because you feel disrespected. confused yet.

I've had GF's who were crazy jealous and all it did was make you want to look or get the look-------you sound like that type

then my wife now- she was never big on that, i caught a look and moved on a vice versa------fast forward. never been an issue. I don't oogle, nor would I cheat as it's too much hassle.

I think your insecurities are feeding her ego. let her do her thang, take her home and do yer thang and let her know who's boss. should cure itself.

my .02


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry you are experiencing this disrespectful behavior from your wife. It sounds like she is either in denial or just outright lying ....maybe both.
Do you go to counseling together? If she doesn't admit to the counselor that she has a problem with flirting (real or online) then he/she can't help her with that issue. Maybe you need to go with her and state the problem. However, in advance, write down all the details/dates/incidents online and real time so she can't turn it around so you sound jealous or controlling. Ask the counselor to assume everything you state is true .... and then ask what treatment plan(s) he recommends .... then ask (insist or don't pay) what you (and your wife) can do between visits to discourage/stop this behavior. If you don't like the counselor's answers, find another counselor. Your money ... your rules.

Check in often. You are not alone in this.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

Yeah if I would stop letting it bother me it would help a lot and probably make the problem go away. Have to work on my self esteem.
Like I said I was never like this before.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Was she very heavy when you married her? Has this been an issue in your marriage?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If she lost 100lbs (before gaining half back I read, but hold that for now) of course she's going to "take her new car out for a spin" which is trying to get men to notice.

As you've said she's just trying to get men to look at her....by itself, unless you have other info....this isn't unexpected. 

The next time don't ask her if she's doing it. You already know, so why ask. When she's doing it, climb on board with her and say you want to see if "that guy will look back" right in the moment. 

Tell her (don't ask) you want to RP and be in a store with her, have her look across room to you, then find a spot and have sex "out" with her, hard and quick. 

Have you bought her some new sexy clothes and lingerie you insist she wear for you when you go out (anywhere) together, and for you at home?

Quit bringing this up with her. Just catch her when she does it in front of you....give her your opinion on the guy she's looking at. Just to mess with her. 

Be on her every night for a while or forever as desired, stretching her sexual comfort and she might surprise you. 

Just dear Lord stop asking her IF she's doing it. Break the times she starts to stare with humor. See what happens. 

She is being disrespectful for sure, but losing 100lbs is good and she wants to experience what it's like to be a "hot woman". Again, not unexpected. 

By you respecting yourself and stopping her staring WHEN happening and getting your own outside life going she may refocus her attention to you. *If you think she might cheat that's a different story.

Don't keep stating things from a negative viewpoint, come from a positive position in all talk and sex with her.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Was she very heavy when you married her? Has this been an issue in your marriage?


Yes she always was. I had always been encouraging her to lose weight. Maybe it backfired on me lol.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Your wife's need for visible attention can lead to more than that. I was living with a girlfriend who was overweight She lost weight and started flirting which I thought was harmless since I flirt to. However it was not enough for her after awhile and she needed to have sex with every man who looked at her. She had sex with two of my friends and apparently others she met when out with the girls. She was sneaky about it and I was naïve. I do not want to get gross but it took me a few months to recognize the taste in her during oral sex but it was so faint I could not be 100% sure. I was sure the day she asked my three visiting friends to all have sex with her at the same time. 

What she never learned, and perhaps your wife needs to know is that most men will be attracted to any women who gives them a sign that they are interested or available. It does not matter what your weight or looks, if a man thinks he has a shot at a girl, he will express interest and flirt.

Flirting can be fun when done with your spouse's permission. I love when guys look at my wife. She tends to dress conservatively so I bought her sexy dresses for a night on the town. She felt good that guys thought she looked good and I felt good that I was with a hot woman who wanted only me. We did not do this a lot but once in a while as it was a great ego boost for my wife and the sex that night was great. I gave her confidence that she never had before. After a while she no longer needed the attention and dressed down to avoid it. She had enough validation to make her happy. We also went to a nude beach and a topless beach a few times on vacation and boy did she love the looks she was getting. She is not the type to actually talk to a guy but does not mind being looked at.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I would be interested in what "encouraging" looks like. You say she is still really heavy and state the reason these men look back at her is BECAUSE she is heavy. This indicates resentment over her weight.

So she knows she was not good enough for you, she cries because she wants you to love her, she knows her 100 pound loss still falls short, and now she coping with it by seeking validation in inappropriate ways.

Meanwhile your focus is getting her to admit she's wrong.....about yet another flaw.

Theres no doubt her behavior is a problem. But the above may be a glimpse into how SHE feels.

It is telling that her EA was virtual, where one can "hide" their appearance.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jay Bee said:


> I've tried it. I told her to leave me cause she seems to want to be single. I said I would be ready to move on, that it would just be sad for the kids. I have told her it's going to be over if she keeps it up and I'm going to leave her.


No, you did not hear what was suggested. The next time she does this, you immediately give her cab fare to get home and you remove yourself from the situation. You have not tried that specific action, from what I've read thus far. So you "told" her to leave. You have "told" her the marriage is over and you'll leave.

But she keeps doing what she's doing and you keep threatening to pull the cord on the marriage. Talk is cheap. Action speaks. She's calling your bluff because you're making noise but doing nothing.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Any chance of recording her on your phone when she does the stare?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Jay Bee said:


> As we're walking through a mall or whatever, she gives guys long suggestive stares to get their attention and then they stare back at her in a really creepy way. Most guys don't even notice her unless she does this. It's her initiating it. She's still really heavy btw. Not that they don't notice her but they stare cause she is.


Buddy you seem to be doing a lot of hand wringing but not much more.You can either accept this behavior from her or not because by the look of things your wife isn’t going to change unless you up your game.
Stop pleading with her,just stop,you look weak and she doesn’t respect you.
Stop bringing her out for a while,no date nights etc.When she complains tell her you don’t feel comfortable with her behavior so you will stay at home instead.Explain to her she is free to go out on her own but you will have nights out alone also.
Stop tolerating her behavior.It doesn’t matter where you are whether it’s a shopping mall,a restaurant etc if YOU feel she is behaving inappropriately then leave.Leave her with the children if necessary but remove yourself from this situation.

Now to the practicalities.Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I think you need to look again.
Your wife lost a hundred pounds in one year,that is a drastic weight loss by anyone’s measure.The chances of her keeping it off are slim(pardon the pun).You admit she has regained half of it.
Please don’t take this as an insult but I believe you and your wife thinks she is a lot more attractive than she is.As I said earlier I own a gym and we have clients who have had substantial weight loss and I’ll tell you something,I don’t find any of them attractive.A hundred pounds of fat needs a lot of skin to hold it in and while she has lost the fat she hasn’t lost the excess skin or the cellulite that accompanies it.Her weight fluctuating like this is also not helping her, either appearance or health wise.
It may sound mean but basically your wife is a woman who goes from morbidly obese to obese and then back again.Think about this before you say you are not an attractive man yourself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jay Bee said:


> Hi,
> 
> My wife lost a lot of weight last year, like about 100 lbs, and it was a great accomplishment. Problem is she started blatantly flirting with guys while in front of me. One day when we were shopping with our kids I noticed she was exchanging glances with some guy. She saw that I noticed and then looked back at him twice to kind of rub it in that she found the guy attractive and so did he. This really pissed me off and I called her out on it that night but she denied everything saying it was all in my head and she didn't know what i was talking about.
> 
> ...


Start going to the gym 3-5 nights a week. Lift weights.

Change up your diet — more fruits, veggies, lean meats, water, etc. Less crap.

In short, work toward becoming the guy that other women want to look at.

And then let your wife get a taste of the **** she’s been shoveling your way.


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

I want to second what Gus said. You know how we all think that a spouse should tell before cheating? She's telling you she is going to cheat if you don't sack up. Guys get blindsided all the time when their wife loses weight. He thinks he's the luckiest guy on the planet - until she cheats. 

What this means in practical terms: Let her know that you will not sanction her cheating on you, that you will leave. Then go to the gym and become the guy she would cheat with, but is already her husband. You need to save the marriage for both of your happiness. She needs you to step up and save the marriage. She wants you to win.

Here's athol kay on mate guarding:


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Buddy you seem to be doing a lot of hand wringing but not much more.You can either accept this behavior from her or not because by the look of things your wife isn’t going to change unless you up your game.
> Stop pleading with her,just stop,you look weak and she doesn’t respect you.
> Stop bringing her out for a while,no date nights etc.When she complains tell her you don’t feel comfortable with her behavior so you will stay at home instead.Explain to her she is free to go out on her own but you will have nights out alone also.
> Stop tolerating her behavior.It doesn’t matter where you are whether it’s a shopping mall,a restaurant etc if YOU feel she is behaving inappropriately then leave.Leave her with the children if necessary but remove yourself from this situation.
> ...


I understand what you're saying about guys maybe not really finding her attractive. This is sort of true. As I said she is getting the looks after she initiates it. Like making it really obvious she's interested in a guy. She's staring pretty hard and then they are reacting to it thinking she would be an easy lay. Then there's also some guys that like bigger women and she's what i'd call a BBW. She does have a nice face and she is tall. But yeah she wouldn't be getting a lot of attention in a gym with 20 year old hotties. A lot of this is in my head and if i can just ignore it it probably would go away. She isn't having girls nights out or working late or anything so chances are she isn't cheating. Well if she really wanted to I guess she could figure out a way but it would be difficult.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Next time she does this, go talk to the guy. Ask him if your wife was staring at him.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

This may be an obvious question, but do you love your wife? Do you find her attractive?

Dont just type yes out if instinct.

Why do you want to be married to her?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> No, you did not hear what was suggested. The next time she does this, you immediately give her cab fare to get home and you remove yourself from the situation. You have not tried that specific action, from what I've read thus far. So you "told" her to leave. You have "told" her the marriage is over and you'll leave.
> 
> But she keeps doing what she's doing and you keep threatening to pull the cord on the marriage. Talk is cheap. Action speaks. She's calling your bluff because you're making noise but doing nothing.


I agree with this, If a man I was with did this, I would walk out and go home. Tell her straight that if she flirts with other men you are leaving and if she does it then leave. The she is free to do it if she chooses but without you. 

BTW you have admitted that you do it as well but not in such an obvious way, so maybe you can stop that as well otherwise how are you acting any better than her? Do you REALLY think she doesn't notice?? She does believe me. 

How about you be the bigger persons and apologise for the many times you have done this and disrespected her, and see what happens. She may well then say sorry as well.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

I will usually avoid looking when I'm with her. Maybe a glance but very subtle. Only time I have blatantly stared is after she did it first and I tried to get back at her. As I said before it doesn't have the same effect when the woman isn't looking back or giving me the time of day.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Divorce is no doubt incoming so you might as well prepare for it now. You can't force someone to respect you or be faithful so there is no use sticking around with someone who has no intention of doing either.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Jay Bee said:


> I've tried it. I told her to leave me cause she seems to want to be single. I said I would be ready to move on, that it would just be sad for the kids. I have told her it's going to be over if she keeps it up and I'm going to leave her. Every time she says none of this is happening. I can't talk to her anymore about it. It doesn't make sense to me. If she had caught me doing it once I would be very careful not to get caught doing it again. I would want to avoid causing fights because of it. She wants to start fights and then says that I think she's a monster and she would never do anything to hurt me. It's sick really.


Listen, you don't tell her to leave you, YOU LEAVE HER. She wants to screw around, and she already likes the attention. 

You on the other hand are being a puss. Next time she does it, leave her to it, file for divorce the next say and have her server, it is what she wants anyway. 

And look, so what your are short. Don't be short and fat. Lay off the booze, hit the gym and stop making excuses. 

Overall, you have been really weak about all of this, and arguing and not following through makes you look weaker. 

Also, women that lose a lot of weight have affairs in huge numbers, because now they are hot in their mind. 

You need to get hot, and stop being weak about all of this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jay Bee said:


> A lot of this is in my head and if i can just ignore it it probably would go away.


Uh, no ... I don't think so. If she's staring hard at men, then she's DOING it. Nope, ignoring it won't necessarily make it go away. After all, she's doing it blatantly enough so you practically have no choice but to notice it.

And, as a woman, I can tell you that you are coming across as a wuss. Seriously.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

So what should I do to not be a wuss? Start slapping her around?


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

It's easy to tell other people to get a divorce. If we didn't have kids then sure I would most likely do that. I will leave her wherever she is next time it happens. Kids are usually with us though.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Jay Bee said:


> So what should I do to not be a wuss? Start slapping her around?


 The first thing you need to do is read "Married man sex life primer" to get the stupid Idea out of your head that not being a wuss equals smacking her around. To not be a wuss you need to set boundaries and let them be clearly known to her. If she crosses these boundaries then there will be consequences the most severe of which would be divorcing her, lesser ones could be leaving her when she crosses those boundaries, kicking her out of her bedroom etc. Those consequences DO NOT include physical abuse. Got it? If you are giving her plenty of attention and that's not enough then there is likely not much you are going to be able to do. Just make sure you are giving her attention without coming off looking weak.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Alot could be said here, but I will try to keep it simple.

You say you encouraged her to lose weight, and that is great, but how? 

If she felt that you were dissatisfied with her weight or appearance, she may of finally lost the weight, but now is paying you back for you not finding her attractive enough.

You say you stare at other women and she doesn't notice but maybe she does?

If you have had any infidelity on your part, total self esteem killer for her.

If you watch porn self esteem killer for her also.

I don't think she is looking for someone else. she is trying to get YOUR attention.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jay Bee said:


> So what should I do to not be a wuss? Start slapping her around?


NOBODY stated or implied you should get physical with your wife, now did they?

Quit whining and making empty threats to her. If you want to stop being a wuss, implement a serious 180.

BTW, your attempt at being a wiseass is also weak ... Might want to learn how to up your game in that area too.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

Was kidding about the slapping around thing. I know, not funny.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

So I kind of messed up tonight. We were about to do it but I couldn't cause of the stuff I've been thinking about. I said I wanted us to see someone together cause I can't get passed this. Now she's upset and pigging out. Says I always do this when she's happy and feeling good about herself. It's a ****ed up situation


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

What do you mean by serious 180?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jay Bee said:


> I've tried it. I told her to leave me cause she seems to want to be single. I said I would be ready to move on, that it would just be sad for the kids. I have told her it's going to be over if she keeps it up and I'm going to leave her. Every time she says none of this is happening. I can't talk to her anymore about it. It doesn't make sense to me. If she had caught me doing it once I would be very careful not to get caught doing it again. I would want to avoid causing fights because of it. She wants to start fights and then says that I think she's a monster and she would never do anything to hurt me. It's sick really.


So basically, you're* afraid* to actually *stand up to her* and instead, you make cowardly little remarks that you don't mean - like telling her to leave you. She doesn't even take you seriously. You're a caricature to her.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. In general, women don't respect weak, needy, cowardly men. It's highly, *highly* unattractive. And I doubt they can truly respect a man they can push around, manipulate and control, like you've allowed your wife to do to YOU for years. I'm assuming you've continually allowed yourself to be disrespected by her because you figure a morbidly obese woman is all you can attract due to your height, so you've put up with an awful lot of **** over the years because you figure she's your last - and only - whistle stop.

Suddenly, she's lost 100 pounds and isn't morbidly obese anymore (I'm assuming) and her disrespect for you is now OFF the charts. Unlike you, she now feels she's got ALL KINDS of options and doesn't give a rat's ass *how* you feel about her obnoxious behavior. That all goes back to the fact that she doesn't respect you. I can't even stress that fact enough.

And there you are, still clinging to her like grim death, begging her to love you and clucking your tongue in defeat because she can't even respect you enough to be HONEST with you. And sadly, you can't respect *YOURSELF *enough to refuse to be treated like this even one more day.

I ask this honestly. If *you* can't even respect yourself, what on earth makes you think your wife is going to?

I'm going to tell you what I tell *all *weak, needy men. Go into her purse and find your testicles. Once you've got them re-attached, man the HELL up, stand up for yourself, and start taking care of business.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MapMan said:


> Then go to the gym and become the guy she would cheat with, but is already her husband. You need to save the marriage for both of your happiness. She needs you to step up and save the marriage. She wants you to win.


And he should also lay on the floor when he gets home every night so Miss Thang can wipe her muddy hooves on his back while he's at it.

This is great advice - on how to be a *wimp* and do the *PICK ME DANCE*. Good lord.

OP, this is just MORE of everything you're practically doing now. Sucking up to the undeserving. Ugh.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

It's hard to explain all the details online. I have never been a needy, clingy guy before. She has been that way. I have never been pushed around in the relationship. I have always been a take charge kind of guy and make most of the major decisions in our lives. I'm more of the leader in the relationship and she's more of a follower. I'm not crying during these arguments. I told her last night that if it started happening again that I'm going to leave her. I said I wanted to go to counseling to try to save our relationship and that the therapist will see through her BS and maybe we will get somewhere. 

What do you mean exactly by man up and start taking care of business? Leave her and my kids, sell my house, start paying her child support, and have another guy raise my kids?
That's what I'll do if I have to but I'm trying to make things work first and I'm looking for advice.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Alot could be said here, but I will try to keep it simple.
> 
> You say you encouraged her to lose weight, and that is great, but how?
> 
> ...



"If she felt that you were dissatisfied with her weight or appearance, she may of finally lost the weight, but now is paying you back for you not finding her attractive enough."

This has a lot to do with it. The only time i can get anything out of her when we fight she says that I used to always reject her. 

Also, we're actually not married... She wanted to get married but I didn't. It was a big issue in the past but it sort of stopped being one when we had kids. I used "wife" in the title because I consider her my wife since we've been together almost 20 years.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Well it would have been good to know THOSE little nuggets.

She's horribly insecure, and YOU made her that way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jay Bee said:


> "If she felt that you were dissatisfied with her weight or appearance, she may of finally lost the weight, but now is paying you back for you not finding her attractive enough."
> 
> This has a lot to do with it. The only time i can get anything out of her when we fight she says that I used to always reject her.
> 
> Also, we're actually not married... She wanted to get married but I didn't. It was a big issue in the past but it sort of stopped being one when we had kids. I used "wife" in the title because I consider her my wife since we've been together almost 20 years.


So she wanted to get married and you refused. Well that's a massive rejection in itself. She will think that she wasn't worth enough to you or important enough to you to bother making that commitment. 20 years and children and still no proposal. Sad.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yep....she lost 100 pounds and it still isnt enough.

She's essentially wasted 20 years waiting.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Co-dependency. Depression and poor communication in this relationship. You are both falling into negative cycles and using words and actions as weapons to defend against each other. Instead of building each other up and and shoring your love for each other as the foundation in this marriage.

The weight loss while commendable is just a side dish to some basic problems that have gone on for too long. The flirting is also a symptom to the real problem as well. You do need counselling, individuals first. Then possibly marriage counselling. She was in infidelity earlier you stated. But it sounds like you rug swept and now the resentment and paranoia are growing again. 

She has an esteem problem (100lbs overweight) and seeks ego kibbles ANYWHERE. It is a drug to her, and she will need more and more. Where YOU are supposed to be the one casting praise upon your wife, she apparently is seeking elsewhere. 

You need to start reading up on the 180. This will give YOU a sense of moving forward and living for yourself, possibly eliminating the co-depend crap and outlining a red line in the sand. What do you want, and how much will you take?

You are right that there are red flags. And the weight loss and sudden "feel good about me" moment seems to have only highlighted them. But I maintain that the true crux of the matter lies elsewhere. YOU and your WIFE need to sit down, and discuss your feelings towards each other. What makes you husband and wife? How do you both define love now? Do you both still share the same wants and needs at this point in your lives?

Stop the whining. Stop reacting to her antics. Start getting pro-active and build a life that you can respect. Because, if you cannot respect yourself, no one else will... Including your wife.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Co-dependency. Depression and poor communication in this relationship. You are both falling into negative cycles and using words and actions as weapons to defend against each other. Instead of building each other up and and shoring your love for each other as the foundation in this marriage.
> 
> The weight loss while commendable is just a side dish to some basic problems that have gone on for too long. The flirting is also a symptom to the real problem as well. You do need counselling, individuals first. Then possibly marriage counselling. She was in infidelity earlier you stated. But it sounds like you rug swept and now the resentment and paranoia are growing again.
> 
> ...


Yeah I think you're pretty much bang on.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Jay Bee said:


> Also, we're actually not married... She wanted to get married but I didn't. It was a big issue in the past but it sort of stopped being one when we had kids. I used "wife" in the title because I consider her my wife since we've been together almost 20 years.


You are not married to her. It has been 20 years past & you have children. She wanted marriage, but you don't. Retired career woman here, 60 years old, & 38 years married (first time marriage for the both of us). She has lost the weight and is looking great & needs to be validated by you. She is feeling rejected. She is flirting to validate her self-worth. You need to see a marriage counselor together. She also needs to see a psychologist individually to set her mind in the right direction. She can go and forge a new life or remain in the same situation with you.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Jay Bee said:


> "If she felt that you were dissatisfied with her weight or appearance, she may of finally lost the weight, but now is paying you back for you not finding her attractive enough."
> 
> This has a lot to do with it. The only time i can get anything out of her when we fight she says that I used to always reject her.
> 
> Also, we're actually not married... She wanted to get married but I didn't. It was a big issue in the past but it sort of stopped being one when we had kids. I used "wife" in the title because I consider her my wife since we've been together almost 20 years.


SELF ESTEEM KILLER ~ This woman has been by your side for 20 years, had kids with you, stuck with you thru thick and thin, worked her ass off to lose 100 lbs, and you never even married her?

She should of been out after year 3, 4 at the latest.

When she cried and said she just wanted you to love her, she meant it.

You two need to get into counseling now.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

I know I should have married her. Was planning to one day but now we're having problems and I really don't trust her. 

How can I stop myself from reacting to this stuff? I was baited into another argument tonight. I wish I just didn't care anymore. 

I keep thinking I'll finally get her to admit what she's been doing, she'll stop and we can move on but she says she'll never admit any of it was intentional. I explained what gaslighting was but she just dismissed it of course. 

I asked her what would happen if I got into a fight with a guy in front of our kids cause of the looks they were exchanging. I also said it kind of makes me feel like cheating on her. None of this seems to phase her. I mean she is stressed out but we can fight until 3:00 am and she will still do something to taunt me and try to make me jealous like a day or two later.
It's really ****ed up and I'd like to understand the psychology behind it. 

I'm seeing a therapist myself on Friday and probably going to see her together later on.

I'm starting to wonder if she lost all that weight because she had met somebody at work or online. At one point last year I suspected she was using a second sim card because I found the plastic packaging it comes in in her car. It was odd because she bought her phone two years before this. I think I'm going to start snooping and get a VAR.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jay Bee said:


> How can I stop myself from reacting to this stuff? I was baited into another argument tonight. I wish I just didn't care anymore.


Well, I certainly don't know what "caring" has to do with getting "baited" into arguing. You have a mind. You have a will. I assume you have a modicum of self-control. So you CHOOSE not to participate in arguments. You walk away. You say, "I don't wish to discuss this right now." You hop in your car and drive around in circles. I mean, Jeesh, c'mon man - you're an adult! 



Jay Bee said:


> I keep thinking I'll finally get her to admit what she's been doing, she'll stop and we can move on but she says she'll never admit any of it was intentional. I explained what gaslighting was but she just dismissed it of course.


Wishful thinking. Magical thinking. What-if thinking. It's all the same old crap: Buying into the fantasy that someone will change and do it our way. Again, YOU have to learn what it is you own in this relationship; namely, your own shortcomings and issues. She's gonna do what she's gonna do. 

You can choose to take ownership of yourself and keep your side of the street clean or you can go 'round and 'round in the same pointless, go-nowhere tango it seems you two are dancing. 



Jay Bee said:


> ...we can fight until 3:00 am and she will still do something to taunt me and try to make me jealous like a day or two later.
> It's really ****ed up and I'd like to understand the psychology behind it.
> 
> I'm seeing a therapist myself on Friday ...


It's a start in the right direction. But the thing is, a therapist is going to help you work on your problems/issues. The psychology behind it? Uh, maybe ... but even if you had total insight into the "psychology" of why you and your partner go toe-to-toe until 3 a.m., doesn't mean it will stop. Understanding the why's can be an important tool. But the most important thing, in my opinion at least, is cognitive therapy. Learn the HOW to stop fighting for hours. Learn the HOW to stop hoping and wishing she'll change - even when she gives no indication of doing so.

As far as checking on her to see if there is an EA or PA going on? Why not? If you feel there is reason to doubt, then check it out.

In the meantime, work on YOUR issues. That is all you own. SERIOUSLY.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

Thanks for the reply Prodigal.

I found out two days ago that she's pregnant. So this stuff I was thinking about is not really important right now. This came as a real shock to both of us and we both have mixed feelings about it. We're both older and didn't plan on having more kids, and she has a high risk of preterm delivery. We really didn't expect this would happen because we're usually careful and we had a really hard time getting pregnant the first time and had to do IVF. Figured since she's almost 40 now there was no way this was going to happen.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Jay Bee said:


> Thanks for the reply Prodigal.
> 
> I found out two days ago that she's pregnant. So this stuff I was thinking about is not really important right now. This came as a real shock to both of us and we both have mixed feelings about it. We're both older and didn't plan on having more kids, and she has a high risk of preterm delivery. We really didn't expect this would happen because we're usually careful and we had a really hard time getting pregnant the first time and had to do IVF. Figured since she's almost 40 now there was no way this was going to happen.


Don't sign the birth certificate without a paternity test.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear Jay,

Are you certain the baby is yours?

Dreamer


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Yeah, sorry to be so mistrusting but if you were starting to mistrust her and even consider that she'd could be having an affair and you were (or did) going to get a VAR I'd also suggest getting the baby tested when born to make sure this is really your child.


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

Sucks my man. I know the "it's all in your head" or "you're making it up" thing all to well. Thing is though, they say it so much that they actually start to believe it themselves. So if you talk to them about that, again it is only in your head. Good luck


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you really suspect your wife of cheating then you don’t have to wait until the baby is born to prove paternity.Once your wife is about two months pregnant a blood test from both of you will provide proof one way or the other.
They are expensive but are worth it.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

I'm sure it's mine. Not worried about that. Just can't believe how stupid we are and kicking myself for not getting a vasectomy.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Jay Bee said:


> I'm sure it's mine. Not worried about that. Just can't believe how stupid we are and kicking myself for not getting a vasectomy.


There is a thread running on tam at the moment and the poor guy who’s thread it is suspected his wife of cheating,only suspected mind,he had no proof.
He was advised to get his children’s dna tested and it turns out his children (twins) aren’t his.
You came on tam worrying about your girlfriends behavior with other men,constant flirting etc and you were contemplating separation.Now that she is pregnant suddenly you are sure the baby is yours.
Love is blind and I wonder is the thought of a new baby clouding your judgement.
Don’t be a fool.Have the test.


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## Jay Bee (Jul 5, 2018)

The thought briefly did cross my mind because of that thread but it is highly unlikely that someone else is the father. Usually we would only have unprotected sex right after her period and right before. The rest of the time I would use a condom. A few times we would get mixed up about when it was going to start and we'd be relieved when she got it. This time we did it at exactly the right or wrong time unprotected. 

She doesn't leave the house on her own almost ever. Could she be meeting someone on her lunch break? I guess it's possible. 

I'm pretty sure she has communicated with guys on her phone because why else would she be so protective of it but I doubt she was having sex with someone else without a condom in the last month.


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## bluelily (Jul 10, 2018)

This smells as gaslighting all the way. It's difficult now that she's pregnant. 
If I were you I'd do paternity test before birth certificate. Someone who has history of cheating shouldn't flirt with someone else, this is not what remorse looks like


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Jay Bee said:


> The thought briefly did cross my mind because of that thread but it is highly unlikely that someone else is the father. Usually we would only have unprotected sex right after her period and right before. The rest of the time I would use a condom. A few times we would get mixed up about when it was going to start and we'd be relieved when she got it. This time we did it at exactly the right or wrong time unprotected.
> 
> She doesn't leave the house on her own almost ever. Could she be meeting someone on her lunch break? I guess it's possible.
> 
> I'm pretty sure she has communicated with guys on her phone because why else would she be so protective of it but I doubt she was having sex with someone else without a condom in the last month.


There's a lot of threads on this site with guys who said that and were wrong. DNA the kid before you sign the birth certificate.


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

Jay Bee said:


> The thought briefly did cross my mind because of that thread but it is highly unlikely that someone else is the father. Usually we would only have unprotected sex right after her period and right before. The rest of the time I would use a condom. A few times we would get mixed up about when it was going to start and we'd be relieved when she got it. This time we did it at exactly the right or wrong time unprotected.
> 
> She doesn't leave the house on her own almost ever. Could she be meeting someone on her lunch break? I guess it's possible.
> 
> I'm pretty sure she has communicated with guys on her phone because why else would she be so protective of it but I doubt she was having sex with someone else without a condom in the last month.


Cheaters will find the time. 10 minutes is all it takes. It can happen before/during/after....lunch break, gym trip, 2 mile run/walk, grocery trip, kids games, church, doctor visit, sick day, etc. Check the phone and VAR the house and car.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I just...just can't understand this type of men. They huff & puff into a continuous merry-go- round with their woman, but when It's time to act, they back-pedal into justification, and at the end they just don't know what happened to them when they are tossed aside. What a pitty.


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