# Please Help



## NeedCarefulHelp (Mar 21, 2014)

I met my wife on the internet some 17 years ago and we have been married for 15 years and have 3 children.

For many years I haven’t been the perfect husband, and I have been neglecting her and our marriage.

My wife and I both play online games and have done for many years.

Recently I noticed that my wife was spending almost every night playing online games with a couple of “friends”

She also started talking about how we should get separated because she didn’t know if she loved me and needed space to “work it out”

I also noticed the way that she would smile and talk to one of these male “friends” over the internet with her headphones on. I knew that look and it haunted me.

I also noticed that she was hiding what she was saying to this guy on the internet, for example when I would walk in she would quickly close programs etc.

So I started digging and found that she was telling him she loved him deeply, wanted him, couldn't wait for the next night etc. I even found that she had talked of him as her real soulmate.

I confronted him and asked him to stay away.

I confronted her.

At first she denied it and said nothing was happening, she continued to lie about different things until slowly it came out that she was having a “cyber affair”.

She still lies about some things today like when did you last talk to him? (when I know it was a couple of hours ago) and she says oh not since yesterday for example.

She has tried to say it doesn’t mean anything, that it was just a fantasy. That she would never be together with him.

She has tried to say that it was my fault because of the neglect I drove her to it (I don’t disagree totally)

I told her that I am willing to save our marriage, that I would try to be a better husband, but that she needed to break off contact with this guy so that we could rebuild on a more solid foundation.

She said most of all he is “a very important friend” that she needed him in her life because she is very depressed (and even said she would suicide if she didn’t have this friend because then she would have nothing) and that he is also depressed and she fears for his life should she stop talking to him.

I have tried to no avail to have her imagine if it was me that had done the same and that I wanted to just keep in contact with a girl I “cyber” cheated with because she was a good friend. 

Whenever I try to explain these feelings she brings up my neglect and says, well maybe we should just get separated. That she is going to keep in contact with this guy.

I asked her to choose “us” so that we could rebuild, she has said that she loves me and she wants to stay with me, but she has said that she wants to stay in contact with this guy as he is just a “friend” and she promises nothing will happen and they just made a mistake and want to go back to just being friends.

She continues to be “sneaky”, contacting him through other means, staying up at night, waking up early to be on the game and still having contact with him.

Its killing me.

I need your advice, how do I save my marriage?

How do I explain to her that if he is still there then I can never trust?

Am I being crazy?

I’m lost.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

NeedCarefulHelp said:


> I met my wife on the internet some 17 years ago and we have been married for 15 years and have 3 children.
> 
> For many years I haven’t been the perfect husband, and I have been neglecting her and our marriage.
> 
> ...



And you will always be lost if you acept all this crap! You told her that you are willing to R. but she is to much in a fog to do it.... so i just would tell her;

We can no longer live this way, i am not ok with this situation and since you are not willing to stop it, i am going to talk with a lawyer and set you free. i STILL LOVE YOU, BUT I ALSO LOVE OUR KIDS, so please go live your fantasy after filing D.
Then go 180 on her but dont waist time


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

:iagree:

Excellent advice above. She needs to be shocked out of her fantasy.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You can't live like that. She has repeatedly suggested separation. perfect! File for divorce, pick up the apartment finder at the local convenience store and hand it to her. Most of the apartments are equipped with internet connections so that will work.

When she finds out cyber dude is using her to get his rocks off, she will realize what a fool she is and come crawling back, tail between her legs. Up to you to set the ground rules for reconciliation if that is what you want. I think you'll find you are happier without her. 

Women and mothers have more important things to do than online gaming. She has said you are the problem jn the marriage, yeah right, it's all your fault I'm sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here, start reading. You're losing ground and nee to get ahead of the curve...

This should give you an over view.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

This should answer your primary questions.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

This should help your emotions through this.

180 List  

Geez, how does a guy let his wife stay friends with someone she wanted to eff. Are you too use to virtual confrontation and avoiding confrontation IRL? C0ck block this guy. Don't ask, take some real definitive action, she might just be attracted to you if you did. 

Turn off the devices and get out and do something with your wife. She just might bond with you. 

Is this you?

No More Mr Nice Guy


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## NeedCarefulHelp (Mar 21, 2014)

Thank you for your messages, they are very helpful.

I'm stuck because I love my wife dearly, even though I haven't been very good to her for quite some time, I don't want to lose her.

I also love my children deeply.

I am a child that lived through his parents divorcing, I know the pain it can bring to the children.

If I try and say to her she needs to break all contact with this guy she freaks, she also has said "ok then lets go tell the kids we are getting divorced" or the kids have come to me and said "Are you and mummy getting divorced?" I dont want to harm them; And I dont want them to have any emotional harm if me and my wife can still work this out privately.

I know I have to give an ultimatum, stick to it and do 180.

I also worry for my wife, she is very depressed, doesn't have much in her life, has talked of suicide. We also live in a foreign country where it would be difficult for her to move out and land on her feet.

Just to top it off I am also currently in the process of being fired from my work.

So life is great


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You can't worry about her. You have a family (kids) and they need one stable parent in the household and your it. 

The problem with your wife is she wants the security of the marriage and the freedom of someone single. You can't have it both ways and you need to let her know that in a way that she fully understands that there is no middle ground here.

Sometimes people need a boot in the ass (figuratively) to get them to wise up and she needs one. 

She thinks that by threatening separation or divorce will keep you in line because she sees you wearing your heart on your sleeve. Do yourself a favor and put it back where it belongs and play hardball with her like she's doing to you.

File for divorce and when she gets served, she's going to realize that she pushed you to the edge and you've had enough of her behavior.

Maybe she'll finally see that her flimsy excuses carry no weight. Stop playing the nice guy and let her be the one to start worrying. Your the only one that can put a stop to it so it's time to step up to the plate.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Get rid of the online gaming. It doesn't mean what your marriage does and can create an environment of fantasy and unreal expectations and....an easy way to get into EA's. It takes away from time with kids and real events in a household. I say this because possibly you are not casual gamers. If she is serious about you guys, she will have no problem with this. Just my opinion and suggestion from experience. If problems exist in the marriage, focus on those, not gaming. That time should be spent R issues. I am not saying she is not at fault, however, this is something that should be assessed and taken care of.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you have to man up and call her bluff. Get D papers. Tell her it is me or him, decide now. She decides him, you serve papers and kick her out of the house.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

NeedCarefulHelp said:


> She has tried to say that it was my fault because of the neglect I drove her to it (I don’t disagree totally).
> 
> *Well you should disagree totally. Marriage issues are just that - both of you are responsible for them. Her cheating is 100% her fault. Don't get suckered in by her blame shifting. It's BS.
> *
> ...



You have a "chance" to save your marriage by being willing to end it. Right now she sees herself as having all the power. You need to correct that, and quick.

Unless she agrees to stop contact immediately; implement a hard 180, talk to an attorney, and start the divorce process. Separate her from your bedroom and talk to her as little as humanly possible. Act detached, not angry. Find things to keep you busy away from her as much as you can.

If she agrees to stop contact, there's still a long way to go before you should even consider R with her. If that happens; check back with us. I'm not one to put the cart before the horse.

Keep posting.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

NeedCarefulHelp said:


> If I try and say to her she needs to break all contact with this guy she freaks, she also has said "ok then lets go tell the kids we are getting divorced" or the kids have come to me and said "Are you and mummy getting divorced?" I dont want to harm them; And I dont want them to have any emotional harm if me and my wife can still work this out privately.


If she tries to pull the "let's tell the kids we're getting a divorce" card again, be ready for it.

Tell her - Okay, but I'm going to tell them. Then at your next opportunity to talk to them in private, in an age appropriate way, tell them that their mother has a boyfriend; and chooses him over your dad. I'm sad that your mother made that choice, but unless she changes her mind, yes we're getting a divorce. But we both love you very much.

Now you've taken away her opportunity to play that card again. She'll realize she's not going to be able to use (what she thinks is) your fear of divorce to manipulate you.

Your children deserve to know the truth, no matter how old they are. Don't let them believe something that's not true. Don't let your wife get away with not receiving all the deserved consequences for cheating on you; and her children knowing the truth is one of the most important ones she needs.

Time to quit putting up with her manipulating and power grabbing.


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## z_man (Nov 1, 2013)

"I noticed that my wife was spending almost every night playing online games with a couple of “friends”"

My only suggestion when you decide to blow this up, is shut off the network.


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## Luvmyjava (Feb 9, 2014)

Names change, but the story stays the same.. Geez.. It's amazing how so much of human nature replicates itself.

Listen... I'm going through this crap now...

You need to be a bastard. If it's online gaming, rip the router out, and tell her to go play someplace else. I know it's hard, but LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE HERE!!! They've read and written your script thousands of times!!!

Tune her out. Tell her it's best she carry on her online romance elsewhere, and tell her to leave.
Turn dark and cold

And I'm gonna give you some advice.. Stop talking about "us" .. You're not included in her "us".. the OM is.
Get mad.. the woman is CHEATING on you, and disrespecting you.

All my advice was given to me.. I couldn't listen to everything. I know it's so hard to do what's needed.. But listen to these people. TURN COLD!!! IGNORE HER!!!


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

You are heading towards a divorce, that is clear. I don't know if you can file at-fault in your state or what that requires in your state (I had to prove physical intercourse happened).

Talk to a lawyer and start gathering evidence. Start taking pictures and making screenshots of her interactions with the man she is having an affair with. Tuck them all away in a folder (or e-mail them to yourself) and then ignore them until later.

Start focusing on yourself and ignoring her. Stop letting her play around with you. My ex thought she would be able to twist me up and play around with me but it didn't work at all and she quickly turned into one of the meanest most spiteful people I've ever known.

Prepare yourself for the worst. And if it doesn't happen you'll still be stronger.

And in the end you'll take some advice and not others. It's just how things always go. Nobody's perfect.

Stick around there is great help here


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Quit online gaming.

Are you overweight? Smoke?

Drop addictions. Your wife will notice your leadership
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she being treated for depression?

Was she depressed before she got hooked on gaming?

How far from you does he live?

What are your job prospects?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Quit online gaming.
> 
> Are you overweight? Smoke?
> 
> ...


I like it. Economy of words. Very versatile...


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> I like it. Economy of words. Very versatile...


I can speak from experience on much of this. I just want to comment on the leadership thing. It's true. I am already very affectionate and wanting of my husband. The more he shows leadership, the better I listen and learn. The more and more I want to be " right up his hiney" as I jokingly say to him, when we have our quiet time together. His leadership, different from control, is a huge sign of love and need for us too just be okay so we can have a good life together. As for the gaming, I will say it again. Just stop for now. I imagine it isn't just casual. I know for my ex H it wasn't. We spent to much time on it, while saying it was casual. While we gamed together, it actually was one of many factors that helped drive us apart. I he found other ways now to " get the geek in me" some time. Be productive, the both of you. Demand she is as well. Be a leader, be strong but do not control...again a big difference. I am rambling now.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

NeedCarefulHelp said:


> Thank you for your messages, they are very helpful.
> 
> *I'm stuck because I love my wife dearly, even though I haven't been very good to her for quite some time, I don't want to lose her.*
> 
> ...


If you're stuck, it's because you are choosing to be. It's also time to stop blaming yourself for her cyber love affair.

She's also the one hurting your children, not you.

It's time to man up, sack up, and take her firmly out of the driver's seat of your marriage, where she has her self firmly implanted thank you very much.

If she is depressed, then that's down to her to get help to deal with it. She's an adult isn't she?

If you firmly implement all the advice you have been given with no wavering, you MAY get her to start respecting you again.


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## NeedCarefulHelp (Mar 21, 2014)

I spoke with my wife last night.

I told her:
WHEN you keep having contact with this guy
IT MAKES ME hurt
- she said I know, but I can't give up my friend
I continued:
I WANT you to stop having any contact with him
IF NOT I don't think we can stay together.

She said:
- I always make her choose me instead of her
- If I loved her I should just understand
- she wanted to understand what bit together would mean how we should decide on the next steps.

I just said the next steps was for her to decide if she wanted to reconcile or not, that I lived her and the kids but I couldn't live like this.

I had printed out the "Reconciliation/sweeping under the rug" table and the NC letter from this site. I asked her to read it and asked which column she thought she was in today (no response) and that she needed to break contact with the guy.

She responded by wondering out loud what she could print out from the internet about men not giving affection/attention to their wives,

I said I was sure there was a lot and that I was willing to be a better husband if she decided that we could reconcile.

She said it must be great being in my position of power and always being the one to control her life.

I said that I didn't want to control her life, I wanted her to decide to reconcile our marriage, and that it wasn't a good feeling hurting so much.

She just left with the last word that it was me that had to decide if I lives her.

She tried to mention in front of the kids DIVORCE a couple if times,

I asked her first that we should talk about that privately
Finally I told her that kids don't understand properly and it's hurtful to discuss that topic in front of them so I would appreciate talking about it in private.

She lay down alone most of the night turned away from everyone.

I just went about being "dad" and ignoring her.

how long should I wait to talk about it again with her?

Last night she stayed up on the computer from 1am to 4am....

Thank you for all if your great advice, yes I might not be able to hear it all but I'm trying and I need your support.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

go the the lawyer, get D. papers ready and put them in a safe place... they dont mean nothing untill signed.
If you keep seeing this BULSXXT then grab the papers and just hand over them, and say: go..... i deserve better.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

quote : Last night she stayed up on the computer from 1am to 4am....

Of course, she needed to badmouth you to him after your conversation and get moral support. Pull that router off the wall..!!!! 
Until you put the papers under her nose, she will twist everything and blame you for everything.

Find out who this a-hole is and see if he is married/ if he is, his wife should know.
Nip it in the bud now.

And involving the children into this is just vile.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Go to MC and get her into IC quick.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Hand her divorce papers and tell her that this isn't a game and your done with her. Show her where to sign and then stay silent. If she asks questions, tell her to go on line and ask her friend, and while she's at it, tell her to look on line for another place to live.

It's obvious that she only thinks of herself and that's a no win situation.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

I agree with above posters. She, of course, had to go online and share what a cruel and mean husband you are. He, the online guy, is there for her and using everything she says to his advantage. Have you gotten rid of the internet? Or at least the gaming portion? If not, I need to ask why? Also, has your wife shown signs of depression before this. Maybe I did not catch this before, but does shoe work outside the home? Have you suggested that while you don't want her having these online "friendships" you are not opposed to appropriate (same sex...sorry folks some have to avoid opposite sex unlesutual couple friendships....) friendships or an appropriAte hobby so she has something of her "own" so to speak? She sees it as controlling because she probably feels that you are looking just after you and she is in a selfish mode that she not seeing that you are protecting her, your marriage and your family. I can't say this enough....get rid of the gaming, if you have not....ask yourself why you have not. If it's because you don't want to give it up, then you are not 100 percent in doing what it takes either.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She gave you her answer... Next step is to see a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Reading this is actually making me angry.

This is your family. This is your kids. This is your life.

If a bear was attacking you - would you stand back and debate your next action with your wife?

No. You get after the bear. You stop if from hurting your family.

Your role, as a man, is to protect your family.

Now, either fulfill that role or lose your family.

First job - find this idiot. Go after him. Be merciless. He is hurting your family.

Next job. I hope you are a little tech savvy. If so, stop her accessing the internet when you aren't there.

If not, pull the router out of the wall and throw it away. If there was a container leaking poisonous gas in your room, but your wife liked to sniff it would you tolerate it?

No. You would throw it away and put up with your wife's protestations.

You have the ABILITY to stop this NOW. You CHOOSE not to.

Your move.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

I meet my husband online and we use to game together. I've since outgrown that since we were just teenagers and now we have children.

Turn off the internet. Seriously turn it off.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Rugs said:


> Go to MC and get her into IC quick.


Not while the EA is in full swing and there is still contact with the OM. MC is only effective once the affair is completely over and the WS is remorseful and WANTS to fix the marriage.

Far too many people think MC and IC are the magic bullets that will cure everything. There are also quite a bit of counselors out there that have no experience with infidelity and in fact, make things worse by helping the WS justify their infidelity and rugsweeping.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

your wife may be depressed but she also sounds very immature. I think throwing her off the internet is a good idea, as the next step. Then again the internet is all over the place....wondering if she could easily circumvent pulling he plug at home and just go to Starbucks or something.....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Start the 180

Remove the modem from your house.

Find out everything you can about her boyfriend.
Is he married? Girlfriend?

Have a lawyer draw up divorce papers and serve/give them to her.
You don't have to file if things turn around. You need to shock her into dumping the boyfriend.

She is using your children to manipulate you.
The next time she asks if you want to tell the kids you're getting a divorce tell her "Yes, let's do it right now and when they ask why we can tell them because mommy is cheating on daddy with another man."
You'll be amazed how fast she drops the kids as a manipulative tool.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> your wife may be depressed but she also sounds very immature. I think throwing her off the internet is a good idea, as the next step. Then again the internet is all over the place....wondering if she could easily circumvent pulling he plug at home and just go to Starbucks or something.....


Starbucks isn't going to have the bandwidth to enable her to use her game.

She'll find another mode of communication but that's no reason to make it easy on her.

Remove the modem from the house first thing.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

If you pay for her phone and internet turn it off and people are right. Her game will be to laggy or will freeze if her internet is to slow. The guy probably won't be all lovey dovey when he can barely talk/communicate with her. 

Does she have a job?


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Stop discussing this with her. This is not up for debate. She is placing more value on this "friendship" than on your marriage - and she is manipulating the $h!t out of you. I promise, you will come back and read your posts one day and be astounded. 

Anyway - stop discussing this. You are making yourself look weak and giving her opportunity after opportunity to manipulate you. 

It's time for some SERIOUS action here. No more *conversations.* You will discuss kids and finances ONLY, and you will file for D. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to go through with it. If she cleans up her act, you can withdraw the papers.

My parents divorced, too. Ya know what? It hurt at the time, but I am SO GLAD they did it. They were modeling an INCREDIBLY unhealthy relationship to me and my siblings. After they divorced, they morphed from cranky, chronically dissatisfied/unhappy people to a stable, strong dad, and a less-stable, but happier mom. The fact that they were in two different houses didn't phase me in the slightest; they were both much better parents following their separation and divorce. So don't let her guilt you with the kids. (Also, using kids as PAWNS and telling them to ask you about D.... she is an awful mother. You should WANT to establish a separate household, if only so that when your kids are older and have more free will, they can spend more time with you than with her.)

Finally, for a depressed person, she sure sounds like she has a lot of emotional energy between manipulating you and your kids while keeping the OM on the line.


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## Kendall (Feb 6, 2014)

NeedCarefulHelp said:


> I spoke with my wife last night.
> 
> I told her:
> WHEN you keep having contact with this guy
> ...


This is just my take, and I don't mean to be rude, but here's my opinion:

You told her if she didn't cease contact with the OM, that you didn't *THINK* you two could stay together? Let me ask you this, when are you going to *KNOW*? You're leaving her wiggle room, when she deserves none.

You sound a bit weak in your dealings with her. She will not respect weakness. For there to be any chance for R, she must be 100% no doubt sorry to her core for what she did, admit it was all her fault and none yours, and willing to do ANYTHING to make it up to you. And she MUST get rid of her "friend" immediately and forever. They are not now and will never again be "just friends".

She sounds like she's currently light years away from all that. 

Good luck.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Get to the bottom of why as well. If she is addicted to attention and feelings she gets from it, she will get rid of one and pick up another.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Make up your mind how long you are going to wait. Make a plan on you improving your treatment of your wife then do it. Also at the same time prepare yourself for Divorce in every way and especially emotionally. You have already given her your position so there is no need to constantly confront her on this issue but maybe a calm firm reminder when appropriate would be in order.

You can not make your wife change her ways but you can do what is right and get yourself and your children in a position to better handle a divorce if that is what your wife is going to force upon the family. No man that has self respect is going to allow his wife to be emotionally involved with another man and to be put in second place. *If you do what is right then if a divorce happens it is your wife’s fault and you will have less guilt because you tried to avoid the pain for your whole family.*

Staying in a relationship when you are number two at best will have a very negative affect on your whole life and will filter down to your children.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You had an opportunity to let your wife "know" in no uncertain terms, that you would end the marriage if she didn't end contact. Instead you just insinuated it. 

She either doesn't believe you will, or "thinks" she doesn't care; and maybe she actually doesn't. The only way to know for sure, is to start following the advice you've been given. If she's going to turn around at all, it will only be because she finally understands what it's like to lose her husband for cheating on him.

Your wife is a master manipulator. STOP talking to her.

Implement the 180, start the divorce process. Watch what happens.


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