# Devastated...



## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

Today I found out from my little sister our mom had an EA a year ago (complete with sexting). It's a secret I wasn't supposed to find out about and she kinda let it slip. It seemed at first she thought I knew, that our mom had told us. I didn't know and now I'm in a position I can't do anything. I so desperately want to confront her because I'm angry!! But I can not, I promised my only sister I wouldn't let our mother know I knew. This devastates me so much because 5 yrs ago I found out my own husband was sexting an ex-gf on fb and contacting women on craigslist asking for nude pictures. My mother is the only relative I confided in, she saw how much pain I was in. To say my heart was shattered is an understatement, how can she do this to her own husband after witnessing first hand how badly it hurt me!! I don't want to see her, I'm so mad. No he isn't my father but he is a good man who has always been there for her! Not only am I mad at her for doing this but I'm mad that it's bringing up things I've worked very hard to get past!!

ETA: My sister told her dad (my step-dad) immediately despite my mom pleads and threats. They almost divorced but did not.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Why did your sister swear you to silence?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your sister's allegiance to your mother shouldn't over ride her allegiance to the family. You've been on TAM long enough to know that usually when an EA gets to sexting, it has already gone PA. 

Doesn't your father deserve some allegiance? Your sister actions say that he doesn't but being on this forum, you understand the devastation that adultery does to the betrayed. I'm sure your father may have suspicions but suppresses them by thinking, "no way, would she betray me after so many years. It's all in my head, I'm being paranoid." You must have had that internal battle before you got the evidence on your own husband.

What's to say it's still not going on. She could have trickle truthed so she doesn't seem as bad. You know waywards do that all the time. 
The common lies: It was only an EA, We only kissed and groped, it was only oral, we had sex once. ETC. Then you dig further and find it was much more for much longer.

I wish you strength and wisdom. You're in a tough spot. I recommend you get your dad, MMSL primer book. Have it delivered to him anonymously.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

totallywarped said:


> Today I found out from my little sister our mom had an EA a year ago (complete with sexting). It's a secret I wasn't supposed to find out about and she kinda let it slip. It seemed at first she thought I knew, that our mom had told us. I didn't know and now I'm in a position I can't do anything. I so desperately want to confront her because I'm angry!! But I can not, I promised my only sister I wouldn't let our mother know I knew. This devastates me so much because 5 yrs ago I found out my own husband was sexting an ex-gf on fb and contacting women on craigslist asking for nude pictures. My mother is the only relative I confided in, she saw how much pain I was in. To say my heart was shattered is an understatement, how can she do this to her own husband after witnessing first hand how badly it hurt me!! I don't want to see her, I'm so mad. No he isn't my father but he is a good man who has always been there for her! Not only am I mad at her for doing this but I'm mad that it's bringing up things I've worked very hard to get past!!



I am glad you are upset about this. It shows that you care about a very good man who didn't deserve to be cheated on by your Mom. You have a right to trigger over it too. I hope it didn't turn physical too. 

It sounds like you'll have to talk to your sister and find a way to get around it and to address your Mom regarding it or simply play it off and act fake. Me personally, nothing stinks as bad a s acting fake

Keep us posted


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jsmart said:


> Your sister's allegiance to your mother shouldn't over ride her allegiance to the family. You've been on TAM long enough to know that usually when an EA gets to sexting, it has already gone PA.
> 
> Doesn't your father deserve some allegiance? Your sister actions say that he doesn't but being on this forum, you understand the devastation that adultery does to the betrayed. I'm sure your father may have suspicions but suppresses them by thinking, "no way, would she betray me after so many years. It's all in my head, I'm being paranoid." You must have had that internal battle before you got the evidence on your own husband.
> 
> ...


I agree with Jsmart here. Who is to say it's still not going on ?

While the BS is not your biological Dad, you have enough respect for him that you should help him out somehow. 

First, you need to find out more about what happened and if it's still going on or not.

You say this is your step-father. Did your Mom's previous marriage fail due to adultery ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So he is not your biological father?

But you have more love and fellowfeel for him than his own wife does. 

There is something VERY wrong there. And guess what? The wrongness is entirely with your mother.

But do NOT let this situation fester.

Tell your little sister in NO Uncertain terms how your own husband's activities impacted on you.

Then you should both approach your dad and tell him.

After all he, might need to see if he has an STD. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> I am glad you are upset about this. It shows that you care about a very good man who didn't deserve to be cheated on by your Mom. You have a right to trigger over it too. I hope it didn't turn physical too.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Exactly.

It's a misnomer that the cheating wife is only cheating on her husband, your blood or not. She is cheating on her entire family. You have just as much right as her husband to know, and you have just as much right to be empowered to make your own decisions on the matter.

With that said, that poor dude is the one who signed up to spend every day of the rest of his life with her, so the equation changes. But make no mistake, your mother betrayed you just as much as she betrayed him

Get mad and stay mad, good family units are good family units because they don't sit idly by when they become bad.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

I can only imagine the level of betrayal and humiliation that poor man is gonna feel someday when he eventually realizes what's really going on with the three of you. It's enough that his own wife cheats on him, but for her children to act as her accomplices.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Totallywarped 

I'm sort of in almost the same position as you and have no idea what the correct move is. In my case it's not my mother but my cousin whose husband just moved in with his girlfriend. My cousin confided in my wife not knowing that my wife had an affair. I want to contact my cousin but I'm not supposed to know anything about this. 

I don't think you were supposed to know anything about this either. Simple fact is because you confided in your mom about your husbands affair and trust me, your mom knows the pain you went through. I can guarantee you your mom felt your pain too. So your mom confided in your sister, but not you because she knows how you would feel about something like this. If you really think about it, your mom is most likely afraid she has failed you by having an affair just like your husband. Your mom can't have you thinking of her like you did your husband, as I'm sure when you confided to your mother, you were angry and hurt. 

Your mother also may have kept this from you as she knows you will be very angry with her. She most certainly would feel humiliated each and every time you see her. I would bet your mother has a difficult time looking you in the eye as she would think she has lost your respect. It's hard to do from your side of the fence, but imagine being your mother, how would you tell your daughter knowing she went through this? I think your mom is scared, scared that she may lose you, scared you will cut communication as you can't go through this again. 

In my case I want to reach out to my cousin, but I would do so at the risk of my wife telling me when she wasn't supposed to. My cousin may feel she is the target of gossip within the family, that everybody is talking about her marriage. What my cousin didn't know, is that my wife cheated, and secrets are not allowed our marriage. I also do not want my family knowing of my wife's affair, I told one person in my family, my sister. When I confessed to my sister of my wife's affair my sister told me she had something to tell me. My sister had been having an affair for FOURTEEN years! So who do I talk to now? Definitely stopped talking to my sister for a few months. So think how scared your mother is to tell you. True, your mom is weak for not telling you, but her fear is stopping her from talking to you. 

Here is where we have some similarities, we both know you should talk to your mom and I my cousin. But fear is stopping us as well. Neither you or I really want to cause anyone to feel more humiliated then they already do, so we go along with keeping everything silent. But what does that do to us? How are we to let our feelings as betrayed spouses known? Are we to just bury this deep within us and carry that pain too? Or do we risk causing pain to others and contact our mom or cousin and let the chips fall as they say? I'm not sure what the correct or best answer is for either of us, but we both know firsthand how infidelity is just a slow and methodical killer to betrayed spouses. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Totallywarped
> 
> I'm sort of in almost the same position as you and have no idea what the correct move is. In my case it's not my mother but my cousin whose husband just moved in with his girlfriend. *My cousin confided in my wife not knowing that my wife had an affair. I want to contact my cousin but I'm not supposed to know anything about this. *
> 
> ...


Drifting you were betrayed and know how wrong it was. Why would you keep that from your cousin. By your silence you sending a soft on adultery message to your wife. Exposing it is not just the right thing to do but also sends a no tolerance message to your wife. That you're no longer the soft R type of guy but a zero tolerance burn it all down type.

I'm sure that the message that @totallywarped wants to send her husband as well.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I know it ain't fun to think about but the next time you go to a family reunion, probably half the folks there have had affairs of one type or another. TW, your sister is doing you wrong swearing you to secrecy while she "gets it off her chest" by telling you. 
If it was me, I'd confront mommy. That way you'll kill two birds with one stone; get it off your chest and let your sister know to keep her mouth shut in the future instead of burdening you with it.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Having been a WS myself and seeing how it has affected my husband that friends of ours knew and didn't tell him, and that I hid it for almost 3 years as well.....I say you tell. 

An affair is betrayal in and of itself. Keeping the secret is another betrayal. Your sister keeping the secret is another betrayal. You keeping the secret is betrayal #4. 

I see that you are a BS, so you know what this feels like. You were betrayed by the one you love. Imagine finding out that others knew and didn't tell you. Especially people you loved and trusted. 

How many betrayals do you think this man will feel when he finds out? My guess is 4. The affair, the lying, and the hiding from you and your sister.

Telling has the chance of damaging some relationships. Yours with him, yours with your sister, yours with your mom, his with your mom, your sisters with your mom. The fallout could be incredible. 

But knowing now how much I devastated my husband, how I ripped my family apart by continuing to lie and hide what I did.....I say you tell. 

I may have been able to save my marriage had I come clean in the beginning. Maybe not, it's hard to tell at this stage. 

But each continual lie and act to hide it from my husband was just another nail in the coffin. Mine AND his, because when he found out, it shook his trust in not just me but all of his friends. His mind state right now is not good, and any number of us could have helped prevent SOME of it. 

But no one had the balls to do it.

Have the balls to tell him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Why did your sister swear you to silence?


She's the one who told her dad and mom was pissed, they had a huge fight. My mom told her she hated her and she was the reason they'd end up divorced. They all managed to get past it (no divorce) so my sister knows that my mom would be furious that she told me. She is much younger then me (16yrs) and we did not grow up together (she's now 21). We have to work hard to have some type of relationship with each other. I won't ruin that even if this secret eats at me.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> Having been a WS myself and seeing how it has affected my husband that friends of ours knew and didn't tell him, and that I hid it for almost 3 years as well.....I say you tell.
> 
> An affair is betrayal in and of itself. Keeping the secret is another betrayal. Your sister keeping the secret is another betrayal. You keeping the secret is betrayal #4.
> 
> ...


very well put Losinghim


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

Kobold said:


> I can only imagine the level of betrayal and humiliation that poor man is gonna feel someday when he eventually realizes what's really going on with the three of you. It's enough that his own wife cheats on him, but for her children to act as her accomplices.


I was upset last night (and drunk) and left out the very important part that my step dad knows. My sister told him immediately. This was a year ago. They're all acting like a normal happy family. I assume he's found a way to trust her again. I don't know the details of that but this post was more about me. I'm stuck, I can't confront her and I can't understand how she could do this. I cried on her shoulder, no scratch that I SOBBED. She saw the her own daughter's reaction to a EA and yet she went and had her own! Hell for all I know she was comforting me and going home and texting her bf. The thought makes me sick.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

A young woman had to choose between a sibling and a mother who blamed her for the near divorce. She is in turmoil wondering if this will end her relationship with her mother permanently if she told you. She was forced to choose sides and she did tell your step-dad which was the right thing to do.

She was in a very bad place, cut her some slack for swearing you to secrecy. I bet she was pressured by your mom, which is just as wrong as the affair.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

totallywarped said:


> I was upset last night (and drunk) and left out the very important part that my step dad knows. My sister told him immediately. This was a year ago. They're all acting like a normal happy family. I assume he's found a way to trust her again. I don't know the details of that but this post was more about me. I'm stuck, I can't confront her and I can't understand how she could do this. I cried on her shoulder, no scratch that I SOBBED. She saw the her own daughter's reaction to a EA and yet she went and had her own! Hell for all I know she was comforting me and going home and texting her bf. The thought makes me sick.


Kudos to your sister and also shame on your mother. The gall to blame your sister for the potential of divorce when in reality it was her affair that put the marriage in jeopardy. After seeing your pain and then her going out and doing the same thing that hurt you and then to blame shift is disgusting behavior IMO and you have every right to be pissed. 

Your Stepdad may have rugswept it, your Mom may have lied or something. I think you are going to have to get it off your cheat or spend the rest of your days or your mother's days not respecting her and being fake. The choice is yours but I would do it in the most respectful way to your sister


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

So in essence, you feel betrayed by your mom. 

If I am reading and empathizing correctly, you almost feel as if your mom cheated on YOU. 

If that is the case....my suggestion is, confront your mom. Maybe she and her husband have worked things out and it's all Swellsville in their home.

BUT, you feel betrayed yet again. You feel your own betrayal coming back to you because your mom saw your pain, felt your emotions and then did exactly what she wanted to do in the affair department. 

So, if you do not confront her, aren't you essentially rug sweeping? Arent you essentially allowing her to "get away" with it like so many BS are prone to do at first with their own partners?? 

If I were you, I would confront in the same ways that are suggested towards a WS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

totallywarped said:


> I was upset last night (and drunk) and left out the very important part that my step dad knows. My sister told him immediately. This was a year ago. They're all acting like a normal happy family. I assume he's found a way to trust her again. I don't know the details of that but this post was more about me. I'm stuck, I can't confront her and I can't understand how she could do this. I cried on her shoulder, no scratch that I SOBBED. She saw the her own daughter's reaction to a EA and yet she went and had her own! Hell for all I know she was comforting me and going home and texting her bf. The thought makes me sick.


Oh, I see. Well I'm glad he's not being made a complete fool of then. So if I'm understanding correctly your sister swore you to secrecy in regards to your mother finding out that you know correct? Meaning your mother didn't want you to find out about this and made your sister promise not to tell you, but she somehow forgot about this being a secret from you? 

I can see why you would feel betrayed by your mother's hypocrisy. The fact that she can do that while knowing how devastated you were by the very same behavior is certainly disturbing and I think you should go to your sister and hash it out with her first, not to ask for her permission but to tell her that you're going to confront your mom about this. At least that way she doesn't feel like you went behind her back after promising you wouldn't tell and you can hopefully still get some answers from your mom. 

If mom's upset that sister spilled the beans about her dirty laundry then oh well, that's what happens when people keep secrets from each other.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Darlin, this bag doesnt belong on your shoulders and neither does it belong on your sister's. This belongs squarely on your mother's shoulders. In essence she never felt the full load of consequences of her affair. You cannot carry this load and it isnt yours to carry. Kudos to your sister for standing in the truth. Your mothers reaction belongs on her own ass. She'll just have to deal. You and your sister are in the right. If your mother cant control herself, thats not on yall. "My sister and I will stand in the truth, and here is the truth about how I feel."

You and your sister do not have to choose to take responsibility for your mother's actions OR reactions. She's a big girl and can cowgirl up. Call your mother on it and tell your sister to stand strong. It will get blustery, but you just look square at your Mom and let her know that all her choices have finally come home to roost. You love her, but you will not take responsibility for her poor choices, nor should your sister. I would tell your sister to not take any of her mom"s calls until your mother can control herself, then tell your mother that if she has something to say to your sister, she can go through you. You will end up having to rock your mother back on her heels on behalf of your sister. Does your sister live at home?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Totallywarped
> 
> I'm sort of in almost the same position as you and have no idea what the correct move is. In my case it's not my mother but my cousin whose husband just moved in with his girlfriend. My cousin confided in my wife not knowing that my wife had an affair. I want to contact my cousin but I'm not supposed to know anything about this.
> 
> ...


You do the right think and tell the betrayed spouse so they can get out of the humiliating situation.

In my mind if you do not tell the injured party...you are an accomplice and enabling the affair. Which makes you not much better than the one in the affair.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

totallywarped said:


> Blossom Leigh said:
> 
> 
> > Why did your sister swear you to silence?
> ...


She is a special kind of adultress to tell her kid a divorce is her fault for her own whoring behavior. How does dad know it was not physical?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pull back on the attacks, folks!

The problem is that OP feels that she was cheated by her mother, too. Whilst she opened her heart to her mother, telling her the awful, horrible pain of her own husband's betrayal, her mother was saying: "Yeah, honey, that must suck real bad for you" whilst mommy dearest was probably thinking: "Ah, shadap! You are impinging on my time with my own lover!"


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

@totallywarped I know how you feel. My mother was even worse. She did all things you wrote and doing it with my fiance. 

Please dont let this crush you. You survived this once with your own husband and it hurts knowing your own mother is the same. Dont be like me. You need to be stonger for you and your kids (if you have them). 

Also your sister was 16 years old. Dont be so hard on her. She was hurt just like you,but she did a good thing telling her dad about it.

Your mother is nt good in her head (sorry for words). She cheated on her husband,you,your sister and all family. What is even worse she got mad on your sister for telling her dad.

I have to ask. Where is your mother first husband (your dad) ? If she cheated on him too then she is really sick ?


Stay strong.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

jsmart said:


> Drifting you were betrayed and know how wrong it was. Why would you keep that from your cousin. By your silence you sending a soft on adultery message to your wife. Exposing it is not just the right thing to do but also sends a no tolerance message to your wife. That you're no longer the soft R type of guy but a zero tolerance burn it all down type.
> 
> I'm sure that the message that @totallywarped wants to send her husband as well.




I should explain myself more instead of trying to post quickly and everyone not having the full story. It's actually my wife's cousin but she is a very nice girl, I feel for her and what she's going through. I made a choice long ago that I would expose to both our families. It did not work out that way. I decided to tell my sister first. My sister revealed to me that she has been cheating for fourteen years. I took this as she was an ally to my wife. I was angry with my sister, we didn't speak for some time until I realized by another TAM member that I needed to be her brother. To help my sister as a brother. I did help her get her divorce and move her ex out. There was nothing to save after a fourteen year affair. 

Exposing an affair while reconciling is in my opinion not a good idea. My sister was very upset with my wife, even though she was cheating herself. It took six months before my sister and wife became normal with each other. Exposing my wife's affair to my cousin or our cousin will not do anyone any good. I want to contact this cousin but my wife told me because she keeps no secrets from me. Exposing is good if divorcing or to end an affair. While I do not condone cheating in any way, exposing my wife's affair will not help. My wife has consequences, she is doing everything right, and exposing could possibly destroy what we've built.im not going to risk reconciliation by exposing now. 

Seeing as my wife told me because we have no secrets between us. My cousin had time to tell me, but she has chosen not to talk with me about it. So if I contact her she will then believe my wife is talking about some my cousin asked to be quiet about. That is my dilemma, I want to help her as she is doing everything wrong. My cousin makes food for her husband and delivers it to him at his girlfriends house!!! My cousin thinks she can get him back by being nice!!! No!!! It won't work that way!! Argh, I'm contacting her tonight, I can't stand to see her disrespect herself in this way. I guess I needed to just see this typed out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> You do the right think and tell the betrayed spouse so they can get out of the humiliating situation.
> 
> In my mind if you do not tell the injured party...you are an accomplice and enabling the affair. Which makes you not much better than the one in the affair.




My cousin does know, her husband moved out. I hurried to type my reply and I think I left that out. I believe every betrayed spouse has the right to know, I would never say otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> She is a special kind of adultress to tell her kid a divorce is her fault for her own whoring behavior. How does dad know it was not physical?


He read their messages so I'm assuming there was enough there to make him believe her. Ironically that's how I came to believe my husband. My sister and brother both still live at home, she's in college and my brother is a senior in HS. Maybe he's waiting for his kids to leave and then he will? Idk they've been playing the happy couple quite well. I am totally pissed my mom said that to my sister. She did later apologize for what it's worth.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi. I'm so sorry for this! 

Is there any way you could get your sister to get counselling to help her deal with the betrayal, her mom's comments and everything?

Also, could you, perhaps anonymously or through your sister, tell your stepdad about this site or some other site for dealing with infidelity? If you want, I can suggest some other sites.

Best wishes!


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