# Regaining trust of my wife



## 1905 (Dec 8, 2014)

Hey all,
I will try to keep it as concise as I can. I had been on a long distance relationship with the love of my life for two years before we got married in August and we have been living together since August. She is the most beautiful, smartest, sexiest, cutest, nicest girl ever and I love her to death. Truly. 
I have loved her from the first meeting till now and will love her till I die. However, as you can guess from the title, I have done some horrible things before our marriage, while she was far away. I had that horrible and sick idea that, I have to sleep with different girls before I get married, so that I will never want anyone again in my life after I get married or I will have a feeling of I haven’t seen what’s out there when I am 30-40 with kids. I know it is very stupid and wrong but this was my logic at the time and I have slept with random people and only one time with each and never met twice. And I have never had any kinds of feelings for anyone else, because I was (and still am) truly in love with my wife. 

Anyway, after we got married, my wife found my chat and photo history on my phone (I deleted all, but apparently Android keeps them whatever you do and she is very smart, found them all). After long fights and explanations, she decided to forgive me because she loves me so much and I am blessed and incredibly lucky to have her. It has been 3 months since and we are sooo happy when we do not think about the past, but when she thinks about those things, she becomes soo sad and depressed. Naturally. She is scared to trust me again, and she is very scared that I will hurt her again. If she could just somehow know that I will never do it again (and I will never ever do it again, I know it very well, and I have full confidence in myself, but as you can imagine, it is difficult to make her believe that. I am totally okay and comfortable with the future as I know that I will never make any mistake or make her sad again, but she cannot know that and she cannot trust my words, which is quite normal. 

So I am desperate to make her see my inside and understands that I love her so much and I will never hurt her again, and when I look at other woman now, I only see one thing, that they are no different than men for me. I am even disgusted to look or think about other women. For me, there is only one woman and it is my wife and it will always be like that. And I am not just writing those to get approval of you or make myself feel better. These are my true feelings. However I did **** up and I have to live with its consequences. Which means she never believes me when I tell her these. And I totally understand that.
Since she found out, I have my everything open, all accounts, mails, facebook, phones etc, and I have spent my every lunch, weekend, evening with her. I cut everything off with the people who can be a bad influence on me. Removed and deleted all the people that don’t matter, including my closest friend. And I am doing my best to regain her trust again, so we can live happily forever. Because I do truly love her and all I want from life is to make her happy and get old with her.

Anyway, now you can swear at me, call me a jerk blabla for what I did, and I deserve that. But now, what I need is suggestions from people who can understand her, how can I make her feel better and move on and be happy? She is very very happy with me when she doesn’t think about what I did, but once or twice a month, she becomes so depressed and scared that I will hurt her again. But I would never do that but it is not possible to explain this. Once you lose trust of a person.

Thanks for reading and for any suggestions. All I need is some sound advices to make her happy, make her trust in me and in us again. And I am aware of that it will take lots of time and it is normal to have one step ahead, two steps back, but still. Anything that you think I can do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ask her. And you need counselling. Both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Fact is, she did not have all the information before the marriage, and that you were not honest, and hid the information from her. The reality of who she thought you were is a false one. And it is false, because she was sure she was marrying a loyal person. Another fact is, you did not stop at the one either, you kept testing the field. Your lucky you did not bond emotionally with anyone else, and unknowingly, she was the one who was at risk losing a relationship. You really don't know if you put more time and energy into the other women you slept with could have develop further. Love at first sight does happen, and your also lucky you did not run into someone who could have trigger that.

Don't make such bold statements that you will love her forever. People change over the course of a lifetime. She may fall out of love with you in return. If she can't get past this issue, then your relationship will be done. If she builds an emotional wall around her and shuts you out, how long do you think that you can go on without any emotional connection or affection?

She will need help to see her through this, and you have to realize that she may never get through it.

Here is another issue, you can't revolve your life around one person, it is unhealthy. You need your own thing, and she needs her own thing too. She may feel smothered by you. People need to decompress from a relationship too. That is why healthy couples maintain some of their individualism. You can't put that much pressure on a person, making them your entire world, it puts stress on them. Your placing your sole happiness on her, and isn't that asking too much of a person to handle.

She should seek help to help her cope, and deal with her anger and resentment. If she does not find a way, or seek the help she needs, well I am sure you can guess what will happen.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

How do you know you won't cheat again?


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

External help required. Ic for both if possible.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I can tell you with certainty that it is not always possible to regain trust once it's lost. She may be able to or she may not but don't assume for sure that she will. 

Counseling and time and total transparency on your part for the rest of your life might help but it's up to her and she may never completely trust you again. Few of us who have experienced infidelity do completely trust again. We know what can happen when we do.

BTW, it takes years (not months) to move beyond infidelity.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Regaining trust of my wife*



RV9 said:


> External help required. Ic for both if possible.


Here's what I would say then. You do everything you can to demonstrate to your wife that you are going to uphold that promise. You need to show her with actions that you are serious. If she gets only promises and lip service from you then she will always have major doubts in her mind. Start reading books, go to ic, do things that will show you are immunizing yourself against further acts of betrayal. Maybe then you can restore the trust she once had in you.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

I would recommend that you recommend to your wife that you two divorce. If she were on this forum that is what I would write to her.

"_She is scared to trust me again_" - This is not even close to what she is going through. It is not only about trust, she is experiencing pain, actual physical, emotional and mental anguish.

"_She is very very happy with me when she doesn’t think about what I did_" - What you did is with her at all times. If she found out in August then she is nowhere near being happy, it's a coping mechanism, a mask that she has on or a form of dissociation.

What you did is present in all her moments and even worse in moments of "happiness", do not fool yourself for even a second to think otherwise.

Alternatively if you are prepared to do anything (except letting her go) then you could wear a c*** ring and give her the key. You did say anything we could think of and if this does put her at ease then consider it.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I believe that your wife was very disappointed when she discovered that you had random sexual affairs before marrying her. In her mind, she did not marry a man that she thought was the right one. You were a "run around Sue" and not the loyal boyfriend she thought you were. You deceived her. 

I recommend that you and your wife get a marriage counselor. I believe that you can work this out and remain married with the right counseling. The insecurity that she is demonstrating is an aftermath of what she just discovered.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

1905 said:


> when I look at other woman now, I only see one thing, that they are no different than men for me. I am even disgusted to look or think about other women.


I don't believe this and neither does she. If you want to regain her trust, stop saying things that are completely ridiculous.



1905 said:


> Removed and deleted all the people that don’t matter, including my closest friend.


Why would you delete your closest friend from FB? How is giving up on your friends going to help the situation? If anything it will cause you to resent her. 



1905 said:


> Anything that you think I can do.


Give it time.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

I'm not buying it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

1905,
So what were you missing? Did you find it? Did you try enough? What if you missed something/someone?

Your statements are incongruous. They do not add up. If you truly loved your wife/girlfriend with all your heart then how could you be missing anything? People search their whole lives for what you say you had and yet you were missing something? Indeed you were/are....scruples. You sir wanted fun and excitement pure and simple and now you must face the consequences for your "horrible" deeds, as you describe them.

If you were a man of honor and integrity you would have told your wife/girlfriend back then that you were afraid that eventually she would not be enough for you and that you wanted to "play the field" for a while to decide if you really wanted to spend your life with her. Instead you skulked around covertly and did your deeds in secrecy and now you ask us to help you gain back her trust. I would not trust you as far as I could throw you. Your behavior does not merit trust but rather incites suspicion.

If you want people to trust you why don't you try being honest. Tell her the real reason you slept with those women. Tell her it was fun, exciting, challenging and that you were unable to keep your horse corralled during your time apart. Tell her you did it because you wanted to and stop trying to blame her for your lack of integrity. I did it for us baby so I could be sure....What a load of hog****. You did it for you and now YOU must face the repercussions.

What you just read sir is what is known as truth, you may wish to give it a try sometime.


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## Willa (Sep 9, 2014)

Everything Locke.Stratos said is completely true. My husband had an emotional affair that started while I was pregnant. I found out (when the baby was 5 months old) I felt "pain, actual, emotional and mental anguish." 

You two need counseling. Together and separate. As a woman I know she i most likely blaming and hating herself and figures she did something wrong to push you into other women and she needs help understanding it's not her fault it's all yours.

Edit: his was an emotional affair that turned into long distant sexual talks.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

You've gotten a lot of great advice already. I just want to add that you should buy and read the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair." it's available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, ebay, etc and will at least help you understand what she is feeling and thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tell you what, OP... read this...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/235577-i-dont-want-lose-him.html

Reverse the genders and this is you. Congrats on being a scumbag.

I sure hope that you're treating your wife well these days, and that you're committed as you say you are to addressing everything properly... otherwise you might find out that your wife has had/is having an affair of her very own.



dignityhonorpride said:


> You've gotten a lot of great advice already. I just want to add that you should buy and read the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair." it's available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, ebay, etc and will at least help you understand what she is feeling and thinking.


Great book.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DoveEnigma13 said:


> I'm not buying it.


Eh, who knows. And who cares, right? I mean... it's not like bridge-dwellers deserve anything other than a poke w/ the virtual equivalent of a sharp stick.


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## 1905 (Dec 8, 2014)

Well thank you for all the comments. I do deserve any negative comments or being called a scumbag. I know that, so I do not have a problem with that, but it just does not help me much. 

The book suggestion for example is a great one. I will definitely read it.

Also actions more than words also a good one but I believe I am doing actions much more than words. 

1- I took full responsibility and apologized to her many times and everytime she opens up the topic. 
2- I cut things off with the people who knew what I did and did not suggest me to stop or not do it (that is the answer to why i cut things off with my best friend). it is not his fault, everything is my fault and I cannot just blame him, but right now, I have friends who are loyal and have the right morals.)
3- I have suggested counseling to her for myself to find out what was wrong with me, and made an appointment and she said that I do not need it and did not let me go. Then I suggested to go together, or her alone, she refused all. I am still open to counseling but she does not want it.
4- I gave her full access to my all accounts forever, not just for a period of time. 
5- I suggested to move to another country, change apartments, change furniture. She agreed to change the furniture only and I did it in the same day. 

And I do understand the angry comments or the ones that do not buy or believe me. I think that she is in a similar mood as you guys are, but the difference is she does truly loves me, so she is trying to deal with it. I appreciate it so much and I am just desperate to do whatever I can to make her life easier. And it does not matter if you guys buy it or believe me, what matters is that, I do believe in myself and I do know that it will never happen again. That gives me the comfort for the future. 

And I of course am giving it a time, I do not expect things to be perfect again after just a few weeks or months. I just want her to be happy and see that I do mean everything I say. She did promise that she will never leave me because of what I did, and that she forgives me and she will leave me only if anything remotely suspicious happens again and I am lucky to have this. So I am not that worried about her leaving me (of course this possibility does scares the sht out of me but i try to remind myself her promise), but I am truly worried about that she is not inside happy. I just wanna help her get through this and her to be happy 365 days a year, not depressed 2-3 days of each month...


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## 1905 (Dec 8, 2014)

Additionally, she tells me everyday so many times how much she loves me and keeps sending me kisses and I do the same and even more than her. Emotionally or in bed, we do not have anything negative. We are having our best times in bed, on a daily basis and it is getting even better every day. (not sure if this is appropriate to post in this forum, if not, sorry!)

And one more information, I did not confess her, she found out. But I had already stopped two months before she found out. And I was already so sure that it will never happen again. So it was not like I stopped because I got caught.

She is actually doing extremely well and I have absolutely nothing to complain. I am just looking for ways to help her further. Btw I bought the book of Linda.


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## OhForSureMan (Nov 3, 2014)

> I just wanna help her get through this and be happy 365 days a year, not depressed 2-3 days of each month...


As long as you aren't using depressed in the clinical sense this is extremely unrealistic and will probably make people think you don't fully understand the implications of what you have done. I won't give my opinion since I only have the text I see on the screen as evidence, but you do seem a bit preoccupied with your image in all of this. Perhaps that's just something that comes up when trying to make an impression with strangers on a forum, I honestly can't know. 

Between this and ceasing all contact with your best friend it really just sounds like you are setting things up to blame her if/when things go south. I'm not saying you're doing this consciously/unconsciously, but do consider IC for these unrealistic thinking patterns (i.e. I should not be attracted to any women besides my wife/I need to be happy 365 days a year or things aren't going right).


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

1905- as someone on the flip side of your "predicament", let me just say that it's been 5 years since my H had an EA, and I'm still trapped. 5 YEARS.... And the web of hell that is now our marriage.
Is excruciating, and taken a massive toll. Some days are good, some days suck beyond belief. Your W is completely devastated. I can promise you that if she in any way feels the slightest bit of manipulation, lies, cover ups or whatever, you're shooting yourself in the foot.

If she won't go to MC, you sure as hell should for yourself. You've already got me pinging off the charts so I can imagine what your W is going through. 

Communicate, and LISTEN (not just hear her) that's HUGE! And when you are listening? Do it without the intent to throw an excuse, or sugarcoat) We can smell that a mile away. Keep being transparent and keep apologizing. I cannot stress those enough. But do them sincerely. If she really is everything you've ever wanted.... You'd best buckle up. You started the ride, so keep that in mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1905 (Dec 8, 2014)

OhForSureMan said:


> (i.e. I should not be attracted to any women besides my wife/I need to be happy 365 days a year or things aren't going right).


I think you misunderstood. I mean her to be 365 days a year. Not me.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

No one can expected to be happy 365. We need the downtime to realize the good times when they happen. Even if we were happy 365, eventually the lower levels of happy would be interpreted as less than happy in comparison and therefor become unhappy by comparison. If she is only unhappy 2-3 days a month, she is doing pretty good from my perspective. I would give anything to have only 2-3 bad days a week at this point. It's all perspective my friend.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Eh, who knows. And who cares, right? I mean... it's not like bridge-dwellers deserve anything other than a poke w/ the virtual equivalent of a sharp stick.


I don't think he's trolling.

It looks to me like he's trying TOO hard. Overcompensating for his past screw ups. It's almost like he's forcing himself to be honest and trying to make things better rather than doing it because it's the right thing to do. Kind of like he's trying to convince himself that he's doing the right thing.

I'm not buying it.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

1905
You can't regain her trust..not 100% in my opinion as a BS. You may get her to trust you to certain degree but never fully. Just accept that as the consequences of your betrayal.

As to her unhappiness or depression..again the consequences of your betrayal. If you do all the heavy lifting that needs to be done to help her heal according to the experts, she may in time come to a place where she truly is happy or at least does not show obvious signs to you that she is unhappy. 

But know this: she will never forget and when she does remember, she will feel that stab of pain like the rest of us do. I don't believe there is anything a well meaning former unfaithful can ever do about that.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

What is her specific objection to counseling? 

I agree with pugnacious-- active, attentive listening is crucial here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1905 (Dec 8, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> What is her specific objection to counseling?
> 
> I agree with pugnacious-- active, attentive listening is crucial here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





dignityhonorpride said:


> What is her specific objection to counseling?
> 
> I agree with pugnacious-- active, attentive listening is crucial here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She says we do not need them and they won't help us. We have already almost stopped about what happened, now just talks are mostly about "you won't cheat on me again, will you?' So maybe she is scared to go and open the whole topic again but this is just my guess. She is only 22, I think I forgot to mention that. Considering her age and what she has been through, she is dealing amazingly mature and well with the situation. 

And I do listen to her and pay attention to whatever she is talking about and she wants to do. But I will be more on alert, thanks for reminding me.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

If she doesn't want nor will participate in counseling at least you still can. If she says you don't need it, then explain that this is something you want to do for you to find out and fix why you made that choice, so you are insured to have the tools in the future to avoid such actions again, should they arise. It is like insurance. I wouldn't think she would get so mad if you went, except she may be afraid of what it reveals???

Just do it and make it as something you need and want to do for you AND her.


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