# Says he lost herself.. Need Advice!



## confu?ed (Feb 2, 2012)

So let me try to summarize it all as quickly as I can..
We met in college, have been together for 9 years - married for 4, no children.
We are the same age and work at the same place.
I must have been blind by love and thinking that nothing bad would ever happen to us, for our relationship was "perfect".
We would never keep any secrets from each other and we would ride off into the sunset.... Up until 7 months ago.

The W claims that this has been going on for at least 2 years, but I didn't see it. Looking back now, I can see glimpses, but not until recently did I fully understand.
It started off with her saying "you lost passion for me" and "we do everything together, I need you to be your own person" followed by "I need a partner to walk beside me" and "We need to goto counseling." Most recently, it has been "you are a wonderful man, I don't deserve you" and "I can't be with you because I don't love myself"....

3 Weeks ago, she admitted to an EA with "1 make out" session when she was drunk. I asked her very direct questions where she came clean on the whole thing, and I truly believe she has. At the time, I didn't know about the NC letter but she did meet him one last time for about 45 mins where she told him that she can't contact him / he can't contact her. As far as I know she has not contacted him /he hasn't contacted her. 
The weekend of the big reveal, she decided to move to her parents house for a week so that she can figure some things out. She only stayed there one night (confirmed with her parents) and then moved back home. 

She has been going to IC on her own (3 or 4 sessions so far) and she has determined that she doesn't love herself. She is never settled with anything in life. Her mind is constantly active - always thinking about the future, always planning her next moves, always distracting herself with what is next. She doesn't stop to smell the roses. She says that she never really had time to "find herself" because she was always in a relationship. She started dating at 14 and had 3 relationships one after the other until she met me (and when I met her, she just got out of her relationship!!) One of the fears she has is that she doesn't know who she is because she has never been alone! (Even when I travel for work, she has friends stay over so that she is not alone!!) 
She has always looked to me to try to fill whatever "happiness" she was looking for. Over the years, (and I agree with her) I haven't been my own person. I have molded into an extension of her - always trying to do things for her to keep her happy, to fill that "void", and to try to calm her overactive brain.

Anyways, since she moved out for a day (which was supposed to be a week) and came back, we decided that I move out for 2 weeks so that she can try to "find herself." Now I am currently staying at her parents. We decided to try to limit our conversations/contact so that she can focus on herself. She doesn't know if 2 weeks is enough to find herself (I agree, fundamentally, because finding yourself takes your whole lifetime!) But she is not sure if 2 weeks will work - or 1 month - or 6 months - or a year!!! I told her that while I am supportive of her finding herself, I am not going to wait in Limbo. I need her to decide what she wants (obviously, I want to work it out and move forward!)

She has been looking for ideas on ways to find herself so I got her a self help book with a long questionnaire that basically makes you fill in the blanks. (she thought it was a great gift). She has also been going to Yoga and may join a meditation group. 

She has been at our house (supposedly by herself) for almost 2 weeks now. (She had to cook dinner, clean, take care of the animals, etc all by herself) The end of 2 weeks is coming up on Sunday and I think I am going to try to move back in. Here is my thought (which I came up with from reading a LOT of posts on this site)
1) we are having dinner together tomorrow
2) I am going to ask if she has been in contact with OM
3) if she says no, then I am going to ask to see her phone (if yes, conversation ends - it was one of our rules that if it happened, Im out!)
4) if it looks clear I am going to tell her that I am going to move back in for my happiness
5) I am going to tell her that I have been too giving in our relationship whereas I haven't stood up for myself. I have always done what she wanted to try to make her happy. it is time that I make myself happy - start standing up for myself - and do what is right for me. She can continue figuring herself out, but I am going to be there too. (I plan on doing a "180" on most of the things I used to do for her to keep her happy and "not rock the boat")
6) hope for the best!

Any thoughts/ suggestions/ clarifications needed???
THANKS!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

let me translate something for you-

_since she moved out for a day (which was supposed to be a week) and came back, we decided that I move out for 2 weeks so that she can try to "find herself."_
*

"I want some privacy to see if this affair is worth pursuing over staying with you and will put you in a holding pattern until I can determine this so I can you keep you as a back up plan"*


I suggest you get a mod to move this to the CWI forum and read my cwi newbie link in my signature


you need to take a harder line here my friend


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## confu?ed (Feb 2, 2012)

I already read that... a great resource BTW...
but it is in here because we are technically "separated" right now. 

I understand what you are saying about the EA.
My thought is - if she is having it, me being gone doesn't help the situation. If she is having it, it will be harder to conceal from me if I am at home. If I look at her phone tomorrow and I see ANYTHING suspicious, then im out. It was our agreement.


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## confu?ed (Feb 2, 2012)

MODERATOR - 
please delete - reposed in another forum


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