# Going to bed alone



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I hate it. I miss holding my wife. I miss the intimacy. I miss the sex. I miss talking to my soulmate until we fall asleep. I miss her smile when I wake up in the morning. I can get through the day OK. I have things I can do to forget how my marriage disintegrated into nothing. But when it gets close to bedtime, I start to worry. I take sleeping pills. But even still I lie awake, sometimes for hours, missing the life I once had. The happiness I felt. The security of knowing I had found the perfect life partner for me. But it's all gone now. And I hate lying in bed alone. Night after night with no end in sight.

So why don't I just snap out of it and go out and meet someone else? Because my wife, lying two feet next to me, back turned, defiantly uncaring, wouldn't allow it. In my opinion, she didn't break her vows when she fell out of love with me: you can't promise something you have no control over. She broke her vows when she didn't tell me it was happening, and she continues to break them by refusing to work on our healing. 

Going to bed is, by far, the hardest thing I do every day.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I have no words of wisdom but, I am so sorry for what you are going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

MrK said:


> So why don't I just snap out of it and go out and meet someone else? Because my wife, lying two feet next to me, back turned, defiantly uncaring, *wouldn't allow it.* In my opinion, she didn't break her vows when she fell out of love with me: you can't promise something you have no control over. She broke her vows when she didn't tell me it was happening, and she continues to break them by refusing to work on our healing.
> 
> Going to bed is, by far, the hardest thing I do every day.


Wouldn't allow it? :scratchhead: Are you a two year old? Man up! If your relationship is not going the direction it needs to, change it or get out. Nobody can keep you in the marriage without your consent. Read up on the 180 and manning up and get on with your life.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list




Ditto. Get a grip. Man UUUUUUUUUP! I did and fix my marraige three years go. We're back to newlywed sex and having a ball but its up to you


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Maybe I'm a little confused about this man-up and 180 thing. How is all of that supposed to make my wife not hate me anymore? She's made it pretty obvious our marriage is over (without directly saying so, of course). She's not coming back. They never do.

I'm not leaving her. Why should I destroy the family we've created just because I'm not happy? My 3 kids are happy. She doesn't give a crap. It's all my problem. That would be 4 other people who's life I destroy just because I'm not beng loved. That would be pretty selfish of me. Then what happens after I destroy this safe family unit I have? I'm living is squalor in a one room apartment alone and miserable. At least now I've got my kids around.

No, I've got to suck this up and deal with it. It's just hard.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Read the posts above and the links. Read about manning up and the 180 and you will understand.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

KanDo said:


> Read the posts above and the links. Read about manning up and the 180 and you will understand.


OK. I will. I've kind of ignored those threads thinking I knew what they were about. Maybe I didn't. I'm still doubtful that it'll help. Just because my wife hates the current me doesn't necessarily mean she'll love the 180 degree opposite. And as far as manning up, did you ever think that may be my problem? Maybe she loved a softer me and doesn't love the manned up version. 

But hey. You all think it'll help. That's why I asked here. You all seem to know what you're talking about. I'll read up and report back.

I keep going between fixing this and just accepting it's over. I mean, she's made it pretty clear. It doesn't seem worth it.

Thanks for taking the time.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm sure that must take a lot of energy and determined heartache for your wife to continue living in that defense mode with you. I don't know your back story and I'm sorry you're going through this. But now it's time to get rid of the victim card your holding and actually start making changes within yourself - for you_ and_ if you want to try to change things with your wife. Sometimes it also just takes one person to put their best foot forward first. 

I wonder what your wife would do if you wrote out that first paragraph and left it for her as a note, and told her you miss her?

hmm .....best wishes.


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## youngandunhappy (Oct 1, 2011)

please tell your wife your feelings.If she truly has a heart she will not be able to turn her back again knowing how deeply hurt you are.You can write your feelings on here but she so deserves to know that you still care and want her this bad.And you are amazing thinking of your kids this way!I am so impressed!so many ppl think its only about them and thier happiness but you chose to start a family and now you must take responsibility to do your utmost best to find some joy in your marriage yet!!!I WISH YOU THE BEST


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're missing the point of the "man up" and the 180 (which I think is intended for a spouse who's cheating on you, not one who's refusing to work on the marriage). The focus on those processes are to work on YOU for your sake, not for her. If, in the end, they make you more attractive to her or make her want to work on the marriage, that's a great side effect. But it's not the real reason.

The only person who's thoughts, feelings, and actions you can truly control is your own. The sooner you come to grips with that reality, the better. You can't make your wife want to love you, or want to work on your marriage.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sherrie (Oct 10, 2011)

Interestingly, I suffer from going to bed alone. I am a woman, married to a man that is a porn addict, and alcoholic. I didn't realize when I got married, otherwise I would not have married him (only 4 years ago).

I, like you, feel the pangs of loneliness while IN a marriage. There is no intimacy, sense of bonding, cuddling, or out and out sex. My husband would rather look at porn and masturbate than work at satisfying me. 

There have been folks that have said, "man up" or "leave" and I understand your hesitation to do so. I know I can't change him into coming to bed with me, or even being intimate with me. When we got married I made a vow, a promise and I feel strongly about that vow. Words are easy, actions are hard.

I don't actually have words of wisdom to share with you. All I have are words of comfort to know that you are NOT the only one going to bed alone while being married.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok so if she's told you it's over then why are you still hanging on?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

MrK said:


> The security of knowing I had found the perfect life partner for me.


I know this is hard to admit, but maybe you aren't perfect life partners anymore. Maybe you never were. This is what I'm admitting in my relationships, but my h won't admit it. Sometimes admitting it to yourself is the hardest part.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok so if she's told you it's over then why are you still hanging on?


A - She hasn't told me it's over. She doesn't talk to me. I had to come to that conclusion on my own.

B - I have three kids. I'm not going to break up my family and destroy three lives because I'm not happy. That would be selfish. We don't fight. We get along for the most part.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sherrie said:


> Interestingly, I suffer from going to bed alone. I am a woman, married to a man that is a porn addict, and alcoholic. I didn't realize when I got married, otherwise I would not have married him (only 4 years ago).
> 
> I, like you, feel the pangs of loneliness while IN a marriage. There is no intimacy, sense of bonding, cuddling, or out and out sex. My husband would rather look at porn and masturbate than work at satisfying me.
> 
> ...


Hard, isn't it?

I don't know if this will help or not. It prompted my thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/30801-go-bed-together.html


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> maybe you aren't perfect life partners anymore. Maybe you never were.


I definitely know we aren't any longer. Probably never were. That's where my anger and resentment originates. She seems to have settled for me. Now we're BOTH payiing for her mistake. All 5 of us, really.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Mr. K . . . I read a bit about the manning up on these threads and thought it was either for the neaderthal-man and their cute little wives or for the convicted doormat whom everyone steps all over. But, then my marriage hit the rocks and my 'soulmate', 'love of my life' started talking separation, perhaps divorce and my world to the core was shaken. What would my life be without her, without living in my house, without living with my kids. And the answer was a whole lot of nothing. And that was the biggest problem. Me.

I started with little steps about manning up. Putting aside petty arguments that I was sucked into that really weren't worth anyone's time. Forcing, yes, forcing myself to go do things that I wanted to do, even if, and especially, if no one else in my family wanted to do them. Showing myself that I have outside interests and, that I am interesting, even apart from my family. I then started to speak my mind - all of it. My hopes and espcially my fears. And the biggest fear was that if I speak my mind, my wife will really be done with me. She'll leave and my life would be, empty.

And, boy, was this the farthest from the truth. I speak my mind (respectfully and thoughtfully, mind you) and the changes I'm seeing are amazing.

This past weekend, I finally called her on a big topic. Whenever our 'discussions' got really tense or I got angry, she would tell me that if she couldn't get emotional support from me, she'll have to look elsewhere. And this has become a theme of sorts. Reg flag, anyone? 

I told her she can no longer dangle that sword over my head. Either take it away, or let it rip - just get done with it either way and stop the threats (as subtle and cloaked as they were). I wasn't hearing that crap anymore. Within 10 minutes . . . well, gentlemen shouldn't kiss and tell . . . if she raises this again, which I doubt, it will be a far more productive conversation than me scurrying away afraid.

A few months back, I might have read this and thought what a load of crap. But . . . for as often as it's discussed all over these threads, there's something to it. 

Do it for yourself. And in the end, I think you'll see whatever becomes of your marriage or your 'stable' family life, it will be better for everyone involved. You can't possibly be able to fake a good image for your kids, dreading bedtime every nite.

All the best to the five of you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Going to bed alone is a luxury.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Going to bed alone is a luxury.


I agree. When you're actually alone.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Alone or not. The fan is on, no one's making weird noises all night or getting up to do something or deciding THAT's the first opportunity of the whole day to have a 'discussion'.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mr.K,
What made her stop loving you? I know you and I haven't often seen eye to eye, still, reading this makes me so sad for you. Can I help?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

MrK, maybe she showed more affection to the old, softer you because you were easier to control, more of a novelty... but that isn't respect and it isn't love, and women get bored of that within a few years, when married life takes on a daily routine (bills, raising kids, work, paying the mortgage). That's why you mane up: to earn your respect back, and when you do if she can't appreciate it you cut her out of your life, because you have needs to and they can't go unmet or else you die inside.


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## ivyrbotson (Oct 12, 2011)

I have no words of wisdom


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Jayde - Thanks for taking the time to share that with me. That's what this forum is all about. Sharing similar experiences so others can learn. 

However, it took me a long time to start this thread. My wife is such an enigma, it's bizarre really. I didn't even know she'd left the marriage until I started trying to fix our "rut" a little over 2 years ago. And even after almost 2 years of a horrible roller coaster ride, I finally had to figure out for myself she was gone and wasn't coming back. She won't talk to me. Likes to pretend nothing's wrong. But EVERY time I step back to let her do a LITTLE of the lifting, it's back to the TV and her back to me. I did a bit of the manning up thing, in my own way, and it's helping me feel better about myself. But she's gone.

Bright eyes. Thanks as well. What happened to make her leave? I don't know. Make a list of the top 20 reasons most wives leave their marriage after 10 or so years and throw a couple of darts. Doesn't matter why. She's gone. (and as an aside, I hope you saw my post where I ripped a guy for going clubbing w/o his wife very weekend. No double standards from me).

Runs like a dog. Not sure where you were going with that, but if your point was that there are other times during the day to bond with my wife... no, there arent. We don't bond. I can escape our failed marriage during the day when there are other things to occupy my mind. It's when I am an emtional hostage in bed next to her that gives me problems.

ivyrbotson - :scratchhead:


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

This is really sad. I feel for you. I experienced a few weeks of "going to bed alone" even thougn he was right there with me and its heartbreaking. He was having his EA at the time and I just didnt see it. Is there a chance there is an OM?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

MrK said:


> Maybe I'm a little confused about this man-up and 180 thing. How is all of that supposed to make my wife not hate me anymore? She's made it pretty obvious our marriage is over (without directly saying so, of course). She's not coming back. They never do.
> 
> I'm not leaving her. Why should I destroy the family we've created just because I'm not happy? My 3 kids are happy. She doesn't give a crap. It's all my problem. That would be 4 other people who's life I destroy just because I'm not beng loved. That would be pretty selfish of me. Then what happens after I destroy this safe family unit I have? I'm living is squalor in a one room apartment alone and miserable. At least now I've got my kids around.
> 
> No, I've got to suck this up and deal with it. It's just hard.


I feel for you... I feel similarly. I love my girls, and I want to be with them. I have always been the breadwinner so I fear if I left, I'd end up broke, away from them, and destroy everything they know. But my husband sleeps as far away from me as possible too... he hasn't said he doesn't love me anymore, but it sure feels that way.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

MrK said:


> Runs like a dog. Not sure where you were going with that, but if your point was that there are other times during the day to bond with my wife... no, there arent. We don't bond. I can escape our failed marriage during the day when there are other things to occupy my mind. It's when I am an emotional hostage in bed next to her that gives me problems.


I was not being vague. I said precisely what I meant. It's a luxury, when your attached to someone who's fundamentally unpleasant to be around. I read in bed for a few minutes. My wife reads in bed. I generally turn in first. She stays up thrashing and tossing and turning and getting up 3 million times during the night. We don't 'bond' about that.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Is there a chance there is an OM?


No more or less than in any other marriage. No red flags or signs. She's just really not that into me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MrK said:


> No more or less than in any other marriage. No red flags or signs. She's just really not that into me.



How old are you're kids? You plan to end it when they're grown and out of the house?

IDK, I'd rather be alone and happy than lonely and in a relationship. My kids survived it and were glad that I did it. I'm happily remarried to someone that loves me and wants to be with me. I didn't do it all for me, I did it for the whole family. We all needed to be free from that misery... fake happy family BS.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> How old are you're kids? You plan to end it when they're grown and out of the house?


11 - 16. And yeah, we don't talk about it but I don't see it ending any other way. Minimum, I'll move into one of the empty bedrooms. I wish I knew what her feelings were. She may in stage 4 of a five stage plan to move out early for all I know. I just wish she'd talk to me.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

MrK said:


> 11 - 16. And yeah, we don't talk about it but I don't see it ending any other way. Minimum, I'll move into one of the empty bedrooms. I wish I knew what her feelings were. She may in stage 4 of a five stage plan to move out early for all I know. I just wish she'd talk to me.


Mine doesn't communicate either, which probably drives me the craziest. How can we move forward if we don't even communicate?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Your wife sounds like she could become a 'walk away wife': The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Psychology Today

The best advice you got was from jayde. Go back and read his post and embrace it. Today. Start living YOUR life. Start being the kind of man that your wife, or any woman would be attracted to - someone who is confident and self-assured, someone who takes pride in himself. Get yourself together and start concentrating on getting you back - do things you enjoy with your kids, go out with your friends, do your hobbies. Don't sit around pining for her.

And why should you move out of your bedroom? If you really want your marriage to work, then you are going to have to work at it - force her hand. Don't be the one to move out.

Godspeed.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MrK said:


> 11 - 16. And yeah, we don't talk about it but I don't see it ending any other way. Minimum, I'll move into one of the empty bedrooms. I wish I knew what her feelings were. She may in stage 4 of a five stage plan to move out early for all I know. I just wish she'd talk to me.


Well she's telling you without telling you. You're not taking the hint.

I don't believe in power plays to get what you want. I don't believe in the silent treatment either, it's a passive aggressive way to manipulate your partner in getting your way. What's that saying about wishing in one hand???

You need the courage to take action and you sound too defeated to muster any up. That's too bad. Your kids will end up resenting you in the end. You're not being their hero in this by staying, as a matter of fact these types of situations end up doing the reverse. They become angry that you were so miserable and they hold themselves responsible for it. Kids want both of their parents to be happy. I know several people who are now adults that have said they wished their parents had divorced when they were younger. They say they feel bad that their parents wasted so many of their 'good' years holding onto a falsehood.

They know you sleep on the couch. They see a couple who no longer care enough about one another to communicate or touch or are loving toward one another. It's a sad environment. Do you really think your kids are happy? I would ask them. I'm sure they'd tell you how they felt.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> You need the courage to take action and you sound too defeated to muster any up. That's too bad. Your kids will end up resenting you in the end. You're not being their hero in this by staying, as a matter of fact these types of situations end up doing the reverse. They become angry that you were so miserable and they hold themselves responsible for it. Kids want both of their parents to be happy.


Mr. K . . . really think about this part. And if you can get motivated to make some changes for you, do it for your kids. 

An addendum to my previous post. . . there was a family 'discussion' last night. My 16 year old daughter (with some previous/past 'backing' of my wife - I'm pretty sure) was laying into me). Basically, I was the source of all her 16-year-old-girl issues. My 15 year old (cool) son was off in the wings (apparently listening). He raised his hand to speak as to be respectful and wanting to contribute to a conversation clearly not about him. He told my daughter . . ."I don't know what your issues are. Why are you picking on Dad? I think you have bigger issues and are blaming him. He's a really great guy . . . etc."

Holy sh!t batman! And I was pissed at this same kid an hour before for not mowing the lawn. I couldn't imagine him defending me like that 4 months ago and never, ever could have predicted it.

Kids know way more that we ever expect them to. And we need to act accordingly. Do it for the K-iddies Mr K


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## Faith-Hope-Love (Mar 4, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I wonder what your wife would do if you wrote out that first paragraph _*(referring to your original post)*_ and left it for her as a note, and told her you miss her?


She is very "shut down" right now, and taking heartsbeating's advice might just get her to open up. Putting those words on paper, and giving her a little time to think about and absorb them, may help to get her talking again.


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## sheann (Oct 14, 2011)

MrK, I am a wife who goes to bed long after my husband does. He gets the cold shoulder in bed. Years ago it was because the little ones would still be fussing and he needed the extra sleep because of a early morning and long drive to work. In the years between then and now, we had many problems mostly my complaints of not getting enough support from him as far as help with the kids. He was always the kind who wanted to be out doing the volunteer work, volunteer fire dept., lodge meetings, extra jobs... I would be at home with the kids all day and he would come in from work take a shower and head on out the door to a meeting, when I confronted him on this he stood his ground and said that (this is how I am and if you don't like it you can leave). He always gave me the line (if your not happy leave, I'm not changing). He would schedule his vacations with every hunting season and would be gone for days/weeks with the guys, no family vacation. So, now here we are 20 some years later, any time I would have a concern about our marriage he would blow me off, never take my concerns serious, he would laugh at me when I would get upset and cry or what ever, he was not going to back down. My advice, make sure you are not being selfish.....She very well could be trying to wait and see if you are willing to put in the effort. Just recently my husband and I had a argument over something so silly, he told me to get out. 4 Weeks later he asked me if we are doing OK. There was never any discussion over the argument on his part, I gave up years ago and I'm staying either until our last child graduates or things get better. Which do you think will happen? Things change but never for any length of time. Do you want this to be you and your wife in a few years when your youngest is about to graduate and then you'll be deciding who gets the bedroom set, the big screen t.v, etc..?


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## alive (Oct 4, 2011)

There are many changes you can make before you call it quits. I would suggest you go and get some professional help for yourself - so that you can see some other alternatives to your behavior. As you know, there is no simple answer, but your belief system about caring for yourself is being selfish is keeping you stuck.


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## My_Inspiration (Oct 6, 2011)

I believe marriage counseling is in order here. It seems neither of you truly understand what the other is going through. There are some deep rooted problems here that have been pushed over throughout the years and never been resolved. Resolution can come in many forms. I once read on SavingOurLove that time heals all, but in your case, time is of the essence. There was true love in this marriage at one time, you both need to find that love asap, or this marriage will end in divorce. A happy home is not made simply with smiles, but from love within. :scratchhead:


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