# Way every one here is obsessed with divorcing a cheater.



## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

Why everyone here is so obsessed with divorcing a cheater. We are all human beings, all are drawn to making mistakes whoops I meant wrong decisions. yes I know nothing excuses anyone to cheat but it happenece. It's one thing threatening divorce but To me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity. If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with. No that dose not mean you be punished with infidelity but it happened, now what. 

Is marriage to most of you just about two people going to work, raising kids, getting old together and getting comfortable?? Well what about love ??? I truly beleave Love is about fighting with them fighting for them. To me if I had to divorced my wife after I found out about her affair I would have just proven the The fact that I did not love her And she was in her right to a affair. Not every affair is the same neather are the reason nor the people that commits them. I genuinely believe that my wife is a good person who just got lost in the grand scheme of life. So now I am spose to crucify her?? Is the idea of marriage as I have listed above or is that about two people in love because if it is about love, love hurts, requires forgiveness, cries for passion, to me I or anyone that does not hold these values two words love Is just in a effectuation state with their spouse something that they are committed to not because they're in love because they have to because society demands it and God says so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I loved my WW deeply. I still dream about her in her wedding dress to this day. I divorced her immediately when I found out about her affairs. It's been a long road to reconcile the cognitive dissonance created in my head of who she was and who she really is. I do not love who she really is. And she sure as hell doesn't love me.

Have some self respect. If you can live with knowing that she doesn't respect you and that she doesn't love you the way you love her then good for you. Do whatever you want. I don't get to make your choices for you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think you are wrong about the people on TAM.

That being said, however.....

To your other points.

How is it more loving to have another man's d!ck in you or be betraying your wife with a skank than to divorce?

You seem to be missing the point that most people. myself included, think it far more considerate and "loving" to divorce BEFORE you start fvcking someone else.

Divorce, in all honesty, is simply the paperwork for the death that was already brought on by the ws.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

last time i checked the last person i know who was perfect walked on water, and that ain't me....if you want to stay married...stay married...if you want to leave then leave....if you want to separate from your wife then separate....the form can not dictate your decision...they can only provide you with their opinions, at the end of the day you decide and you get to live with the consequences and outcomes...no one is forcing you to do anything you don't want to do. 
But in the same light if you post your story its because you are asking for opinions, just because you don't agree with some or all of the posters does not make you right and them wrong...they are just opinions, and subject to acceptance or rejection on your part...welcome to democracy.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

An affair literally means your wayward spouse chose someone else. Why stay married with someone who neither loves you nor values you. A cheater likes to stay married because of the benefits in it. Staying in the marriage for a bs means they are supporting the affair.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, I'm the one that cheated in my marriage. And even I say that in the majority of the cases, divorce is the best solution. If nothing else, the b(i)tch slap of reality can enforce the seriousness of the situation to an unremorseful spouse. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

dkphap13 said:


> To me if I had to divorced my wife after I found out about her affair I would have just proven the The fact that I did not love her And she was in her right to a affair.


She didn't have an affair because you didn't love her. When someone has an affair they are basically insuring the end of their marriage, you have every right to leave. 

That being said we actually tell people to FILE for a divorce, not to always get a divorce. The first step in true reconciliation is to show the WS the consequences of their actions and have them earn their way back into the marriage. Only about 50% of people that file actually go through with it.

There's no excuse for cheating, there are always other options in dealing with an unhappy marriage. Affairs are the selfish cowards way out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And what Conan said...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So if you are cheated on, it is because you didn't love your spouse enoigh to begin with,

That is some Jedi mind trick.

So if you decide to stay with a wayward spouse, because you do love them with all your heart, then they shouldn't have cheated in the first place. But if they did cheat, then it was because you didn't love them enough and round and round and down the rabbit hole we gooooooo....

Every situation is different. Got kids? Exhaust every reasonable possibilty to stick it out. No kids? Then I'd have almost zero tolerance for any kind of infidelity. That said every situation is different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Nothing like cheating to give a BS clarity of who the wayward spouse really is.

I understand what you say. It is an extraordinary decision to R or D. 

Personally, I don't believe for a minute cheating is in any form mistake. Something as overtly intentional as stepping out of a marriage cannot possibly be a mistake. Perhaps the mistake was getting caught in an intentional act. But that's just me...

Perhaps it's upbringing, but I would expect the same reaction from my spouse if I cheated as I would. D. 

For others, R has much more meaning in the long run. Rebuilding and moving on means so much to them. 

Regardless, it's a cruel fork in the road inflicted on a BS. Very cruel...and IMHO impossible to ever consider it a mistake. It was a choice. 

YMMV


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> To me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity.


Lol


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

i can't even respond to **** sh*t right now, or i`ll get banned.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Yes, everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. But cheating on a spouse is not just a 'mistake'. 

In society, you make a bad decision and break a law and there is a penalty. 

You speed ... you pay a fine.
You steal .... you go to jail.
You rape someone .... you go to jail for quite a while.

You cheat on your wife .... what should happen???

Too often the cheating spouse cries and apologizes. The husband and wife have sex and they carry on. A year later, the spouse is wondering why they got cheated on again.

It is like punishing the rapist with 30 days of community service.

People on TAM don't always say to divorce. But they do encourage a punishment that suits the crime.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dkphap13 said:


> Why everyone here is so obsessed with divorcing a cheater. We are all human beings, all are drawn to making mistakes whoops I meant wrong decisions. yes I know nothing excuses anyone to cheat but it happenece. It's one thing threatening divorce but To me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity. If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with. No that dose not mean you be punished with infidelity but it happened, now what.
> 
> Is marriage to most of you just about two people going to work, raising kids, getting old together and getting comfortable?? Well what about love ??? I truly beleave Love is about fighting with them fighting for them. To me if I had to divorced my wife after I found out about her affair I would have just proven the The fact that I did not love her And she was in her right to a affair. Not every affair is the same neather are the reason nor the people that commits them. I genuinely believe that my wife is a good person who just got lost in the grand scheme of life. So now I am spose to crucify her?? Is the idea of marriage as I have listed above or is that about two people in love because if it is about love, love hurts, requires forgiveness, cries for passion, to me I or anyone that does not hold these values two words love Is just in a effectuation state with their spouse something that they are committed to not because they're in love because they have to because society demands it and God says so.[/size]


Damn. That Kool-Aid must have one helluva kick to it.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

SadSamIAm said:


> Yes, everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. But cheating on a spouse is not just a 'mistake'.
> 
> In society, you make a bad decision and break a law and there is a penalty.
> 
> ...



Oooooh she got punished alright I got her to quite her job that she loved and was aiming for for her entire life. And there is no way she can ever go back to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

It's a lot more then just the act of cheating, it's the lying, stolen time from the BS, money spent on the affair, danger to the BS health, physical/mental, these all combined are the crimes of an affair.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I might have agreed with you in my marriage's situation had my cheater come clean after the first guy knocked her up. Like is said on the "Maury Show" anybody (women only) can make a mistake. But she felt to continue until and after a different guy did the same. In fact, it was 20 years before she dumped me, but she did clue me in at that time.
If you had been in my shoes and could justify staying with her, you would likely have been able to walk on water, yourself.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

dkphap13 said:


> Oooooh she got punished alright I got her to quite her job that she loved and was aiming for for her entire life. And there is no way she can ever go back to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right on! That's a good start! But if you want to make sure she doesn't cheat again she needs to know that you will go nuclear. I don't know your story. Was she cheating at work?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I'm not obsessed with divorce. I've been in R for two years and I can personally attest to the fact that it is possible and even the best solution in some situations. But I can also say that it's not the right solution in a lot of situations. It's a lot of work for both persons. A lot! And the WS has to be 100% for reconciliation, and take full responsibility for their actions or it just won't work. I'm glad I did it but I won't do it again!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Right on! That's a good start! But if you want to make sure she doesn't cheat again she needs to know that you will go nuclear. I don't know your story. Was she cheating at work?


LOL... You really should read OP's other thread.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

dkphap13 said:


> Oooooh she got punished alright I got her to quite her job that she loved and was aiming for for her entire life. And there is no way she can ever go back to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


...and next time?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL... You really should read OP's other thread.


I was going to ask him to share his story but maybe he already told it.

His POV did seem quite twisty though!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I was going to ask him to share his story but maybe he already told it.
> 
> His POV did seem quite twisty though!


Dual serial cheaters as I recall...?

What's a little mistake like that have to do with relationships. Lol


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

dkphap13 said:


> If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really?

A lot of folks got screwed over by their CS(cheating spouse) just because the CS is broken.

Hell maybe the BS (betrayed spouse) picked the wrong one.

I hate it when someone tries to generalize infidelity.

I used to hit my wife..."it just happened, now what".....OP I know were you are coming from but you can't generalize this crap. Me and my old lady know a lot about forgiveness and we both know what hard work really is, but *some* CS don't deserve forgiveness. *Some* BS just can't get that "taste" of adultory out of their mouth to forgive.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Lol


This. Actually ROFLMAO.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OK. Just looked at other thread. I remember looking at it a while ago and running.

You two can do whatever you want OP, but my advice would be to get as much professional help as you can afford. I mostly feel sorry for your kids.

They deserve better than what you two are offering.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

HarryDoyle said:


> I'm not obsessed with divorce. I've been in R for two years and I can personally attest to the fact that it is possible and even the best solution in some situations. But I can also say that it's not the right solution in a lot of situations. It's a lot of work for both persons. A lot! And the WS has to be 100% for reconciliation, and take full responsibility for their actions or it just won't work. I'm glad I did it but I won't do it again!


:iagree:
:smthumbup:


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

dkphap13 said:


> Why everyone here is so obsessed with divorcing a cheater. We are all human beings, all are drawn to making mistakes whoops I meant wrong decisions. yes I know nothing excuses anyone to cheat but it happenece. It's one thing threatening divorce but To me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity. If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with. No that dose not mean you be punished with infidelity but it happened, now what.
> 
> Is marriage to most of you just about two people going to work, raising kids, getting old together and getting comfortable?? *Well what about love ???* I truly beleave Love is about fighting with them fighting for them. To me if I had to divorced my wife after I found out about her affair I would have just proven the The fact that I did not love her And *she was in her right to a affair.* Not every affair is the same neather are the reason nor the people that commits them. I genuinely believe that my wife is a good person who just got lost in the grand scheme of life. So now I am spose to crucify her?? Is the idea of marriage as I have listed above or is that about two people in love because if it is about love, love hurts, requires forgiveness, cries for passion, to me I or anyone that does not hold these values two words love Is just in a effectuation state with their spouse something that they are committed to not because they're in love because they have to because society demands it and God says so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


dkphap; I really scratch my head when I read this - it seems so twisted to me. Could you try to explain to me how you see cheating on your spouse as an act of love? And also please outline examples of cases in which you believe you're in the right to have an affair when in a commited relationship?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

dkphap13 said:


> and God says so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As I was reading your post I was wondering if you are a troll, or if it was a case of massive rug sweeping, but when I got to the last part I got it. 

Thanks for your perspective.

And good luck ... you'll need it.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

Q tip said:


> ...and next time?





Q tip said:


> ...and next time?


There will be no next time. Mistakes stop being mistakes when the become matters off consciousness Decisions. It will get bad next time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

This is weird...That being said, your logic is severely flawed as another poster already pointed out. So if you love your WS enough you can forgive them their "mistake" which was caused by the fact that you didn't love them enough to begin with. But if the reason for the infidelity was your lack of love for them then how can you possibly forgive them afterwards? Additionally, if you love them enough to forgive and R and they do it again what was the cause of that one?

The question you ask goes way beyond just making a mistake. It speaks to honor, integrity, accountability, responsibility and so on. In other words, it displays the character of the individual. When you reconcile you are basically courting and ultimately committing to an entirely different person than you married initially. A person substandard to your initial choice. That is most definitely your decision.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> but *some* CS don't deserve forgiveness. *Some* BS just can't get that "taste" of adultory out of their mouth to forgive.


I know but I was not good to her eather
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

dkphap13 said:


> There will be no next time. Mistakes stop being mistakes when the become matters off consciousness Decisions. It will get bad next time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But this would therefore imply an unconscious decision and not a mistake. Or at best a decision to make an unconscious mistake?

It all sounds like a whole bunch of juvenile logic. Personally, I don't do that anymore. Say past 16 years old or so. Please consider reality along with the needs of what the children are experiencing.

I am confused...

If I unconsciously spread my legs for some POSOM to make a decision or a mistake? It defies logic. If I make an unconscious mistake of spreading my legs for OM decision? I don't get it...

*runs like hell*


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

cpacan said:


> dkphap; I really scratch my head when I read this - it seems so twisted to me. Could you try to explain to me how you see cheating on your spouse as an act of love? And also please outline examples of cases in which you believe you're in the right to have an affair when in a commited relationship?


I can not explain cheating as an act of love . Merely suggesting forgiveness should be a part of love. If God can forgive us. Why can't I forgive her or ask her for forgiveness in return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Because we are far from thinkin ER. Perfect.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

dkphap13 said:


> I can not explain cheating as an act of love . Merely suggesting forgiveness should be a part of love. If God can forgive us. Why can't I forgive her or ask her for forgiveness in return.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, I understand this, I think. When you say that marriage is about love, you mean love from one partner to the other, but not necessarily reciprocated?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

... wait a minute, did you just suggest that you should ask her for forgiveness for her infidelity??


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Ding ding ding...! Winner!


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

cpacan said:


> ... wait a minute, did you just suggest that you should ask her for forgiveness for her infidelity??


No for wrong doings of my own towords her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

I guess maybe I just did a bad job explaining myself. I'm not here to justify infidelity because no matter how you look at it is wrong. Just saying you don't have to throw divorce papers on the table the moment you find out about infidelity. Yes there has to be consequences for one's actions. I completely agree on that but doesn't owe deserve a second chance. If there is a way to fix it and has even a slightest chance of working itself out why not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

By the way we have no kids I have two kids from my previous marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

dkphap13 said:


> Why everyone here is so obsessed with divorcing a cheater. We are all human beings, all are drawn to making mistakes whoops I meant wrong decisions. yes I know nothing excuses anyone to cheat but it happenece. It's one thing threatening divorce but T*o me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity. * If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with. No that dose not mean you be punished with infidelity but it happened, now what.
> 
> Is marriage to most of you just about two people going to work, raising kids, getting old together and getting comfortable?? Well what about love ??? I truly beleave Love is about fighting with them fighting for them. To me if I had to divorced my wife after I found out about her affair I would have just proven the The fact that I did not love her And she was in her right to a affair. Not every affair is the same neather are the reason nor the people that commits them. I genuinely believe that my wife is a good person who just got lost in the grand scheme of life. So now I am spose to crucify her?? Is the idea of marriage as I have listed above or is that about two people in love because if it is about love, love hurts, requires forgiveness, cries for passion, to me I or anyone that does not hold these values two words love Is just in a effectuation state with their spouse something that they are committed to not because they're in love because they have to because society demands it and God says so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't agree with this at all. So you are stating that the BS's actions to D prove that they should have been cheated on and had a lack of love (love can be lost through heinous actions, you do know that), but the infidelity does not prove a lack of love and is nothing more than a mistake..oops bad decision? SO the WS's infidelity wasn't some display of lack of love and D is not merited.

Hogwash. Stop blameshifting. According to the church infidelity is one of the few reasons to actually grant divorce and it is one of the 10 commandments handed down from God (since you brought it up) not to be broken.

You are correct that some should never marry and in those cases the infidelity and D are the results of that marriage that should never had been. I just don't think that love can overcome everything as you state it should. Does it make a difference if the WS is a serial/repeat cheater or had multiple A's that were discovered on d-day, as that doesn't fit in your scenario anywhere. Is D justified then in your mind in those situations?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

dkphap13 said:


> Oooooh she got punished alright I got her to quite her job that she loved and was aiming for for her entire life. And there is no way she can ever go back to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lets apply your logic here:

She didn't love the job obviously as she cheated because if she had love for the job she would have never jeopardized it and done what she did, so losing the job doesn't matter as she didn't love it anyway.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

dkphap13 said:


> I can not explain cheating as an act of love . Merely suggesting forgiveness should be a part of love.


So should fidelity, truth, honesty, and the vows that were exchanged.



> If God can forgive us. Why can't I forgive her or ask her for forgiveness in return.


God is not human and we are. Humans are not God and therefor shouldn't be expected to have has capabilities. You can ask for her forgiveness but shouldn't expect it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Lol i can think of one ws i caught hell for for recommending R. Guess that never happened.

No i dont do it all that often tho.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Betraying your spouse by having an affair is not an act of love. Once the love is gone, why is it all on the BS to keep it intact, keep it together and be responsible to make the WS love them again?? preposterous.

The reason so many on TAM are all about divorce is for when the WS is unremorseful and unrepentant about their actions and doesn't take responsibilities for their actions. A BS has no other choice but to 180 and seek divorce as long as the WS is looking the other way.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> Does it make a difference if the WS is a serial/repeat cheater or had multiple A's that were discovered on d-day, as that doesn't fit in your scenario anywhere. Is D justified then in your mind in those situations?


Serial cheater !!! If there were multiple affairs discovered yes divorce would be an in definite option. But she has done nothing but being honest and has answered to all my questions even the ones that I didn't want her to answer. I think some people do deserve a second chance some people do deserve forgiveness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

dkphap13 said:


> I know but I was not good to her eather
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 A lot of folks here really got phucked over and hard.

For you and me we may need just as much forgiveness as our old ladies do....but for most it's not the case!

What I did to my old lady was criminal, what she did to me (I feel) was just as phucked up....but...as you can read, some folks really didn't deserve the sh1t that they got dealt.
With that said one can say love is a two way street and if one ain't getting loved why in the hell should they forgive.

So again you can't fit all BS in the same boat. 

You can't expect a BS to forgive such behavior a CS has when they didn't even deserve it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think second chances are earned.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's a tough crowd around here...you may as well put a "kick me" sign on your forehead.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

dkphap13 said:


> I can not explain cheating as an act of love . Merely suggesting forgiveness should be a part of love. If God can forgive us. Why can't I forgive her or ask her for forgiveness in return.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I forgave my cheating skank of an ex W. I no longer hold any resentment over what lousy choices she made (and possibly still makes). I have no more negative feelings about the things she did and didn't do in the marriage, and I no longer harbor any hate or ill will towards her - through forgiveness I am now thankfully completely indifferent to what a sh1tty thing she did to me and the family we had. My final act of love that I gave her was to let the love I had held dear for her at one point in time dissipate into the background radiation and grant her the divorce she so desperately needed. I am even working at forgiving myself


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> A lot of folks here really got phucked over and hard.
> 
> For you and me we may need just as much forgiveness as our old ladies do....but for most it's not the case!
> 
> ...


Ok this is exactly what I'm trying to say. Thank you for putting it in simple words for even me to understand what I said better hahaha. May be not ever CS deserve a Second chance I get that. But mine shore dose. And I think many others do too. But here at TAM it seams like at any time a BS comes around it's all about D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

dkphap13 said:


> I guess maybe I just did a bad job explaining myself. I'm not here to justify infidelity because no matter how you look at it is wrong. Just saying you don't have to throw divorce papers on the table the moment you find out about infidelity. Yes there has to be consequences for one's actions. I completely agree on that but doesn't owe deserve a second chance. If there is a way to fix it and has even a slightest chance of working itself out why not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I GUARANTEE that no member on TAM, or person anywhere vested in a marriage, has ever gone straight from the moment of discovery of an affair to pulling the divorce paper out of their back pocket. Every betrayed spouse goes through the 5 stages of grief, for some it may only take a few days, some it is still ongoing. And at the end, when they find acceptance, that is when they are of sound mind to know if they can reconcile or not.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> It's a tough crowd around here...you may as well put a "kick me" sign on your forehead.


Hahahaha. No I am going to defend my opinion of forgiveness and trying to work things out, if there is a slight chance of making it work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

Lon said:


> I forgave my cheating skank of an ex W. I no longer hold any resentment over what lousy choices she made (and possibly still makes). I have no more negative feelings about the things she did and didn't do in the marriage, and I no longer harbor any hate or ill will towards her - through forgiveness I am now thankfully completely indifferent to what a sh1tty thing she did to me and the family we had. My final act of love that I gave her was to let the love I had held dear for her at one point in time dissipate into the background radiation and grant her the divorce she so desperately needed. I am even working at forgiving myself


Wow believe me when I say this if it ever gets to that point I will do the same thing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

the guy said:


> I think second chances are earned.


Not only that, but when a BS offers a second chance, most of the time the WS squanders it.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

dkphap13 said:


> I guess maybe I just did a bad job explaining myself. I'm not here to justify infidelity because no matter how you look at it is wrong. Just saying you don't have to throw divorce papers on the table the moment you find out about infidelity. Yes there has to be consequences for one's actions. I completely agree on that *but doesn't owe deserve a second chance. * If there is a way to fix it and has even a slightest chance of working itself out why not.


Former cheaters like yourself always feel _entitled_ to second chances. Why? It's so easy not to cheat. How many times is it acceptable to back-stab your partner.

Whilst you're cheating you prove; you do not truly love your spouse, you're not trustworthy and worst of all you do not value your own integrity. 



dkphap13 said:


> But here at TAM it seams like at any time a BS comes around it's all about D.


Most of us aren't serial cheaters like you are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Why everyone here is so obsessed with divorcing a cheater
> 
> 
> > We're not.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

dkphap13 said:


> Ok this is exactly what I'm trying to say. Thank you for putting it in simple words for even me to understand what I said better hahaha. May be not ever CS deserve a Second chance I get that. But mine shore dose. And I think many others do too. But here at TAM it seams like at any time a BS comes around it's all about D.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We're still around, but back in the day this place was different...not much but different.

 Why am I not getting any likes?:rofl::lol::rofl:


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

dkphap13 said:


> Wow believe me when I say this if it ever gets to that point I will do the same thing
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



And there lies the rub. If forgiveness is automatic, then it's cheap.

I was quick to forgive my ex after my first discovery. I suffered more than her, and she took it for granted and escalated her infidelity. 

Putting D out 1st, and making it the WS job to repair the relationship is the best way to be sure they stop the affair(s).


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> Lets apply your logic here:
> 
> She didn't love the job obviously as she cheated because if she had love for the job she would have never jeopardized it and done what she did, so losing the job doesn't matter as she didn't love it anyway.


Yah, hence the mistake?


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Best way to forgive her is to go dip your noodle in someone else's soup. Then she'll love you that much more.
LOL!!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

dkphap13 said:


> Why everyone here is so obsessed with divorcing a cheater. We are all human beings, all are drawn to making mistakes whoops I meant wrong decisions. yes I know nothing excuses anyone to cheat but it happenece. It's one thing threatening divorce but To me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity. If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with. No that dose not mean you be punished with infidelity but it happened, now what.
> 
> Is marriage to most of you just about two people going to work, raising kids, getting old together and getting comfortable?? Well what about love ??? I truly beleave Love is about fighting with them fighting for them. To me if I had to divorced my wife after I found out about her affair I would have just proven the The fact that I did not love her And she was in her right to a affair. Not every affair is the same neather are the reason nor the people that commits them. I genuinely believe that my wife is a good person who just got lost in the grand scheme of life. So now I am spose to crucify her?? Is the idea of marriage as I have listed above or is that about two people in love because if it is about love, love hurts, requires forgiveness, cries for passion, to me I or anyone that does not hold these values two words love Is just in a effectuation state with their spouse something that they are committed to not because they're in love because they have to because society demands it and God says so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


cool, then keep getting cheated on and forgiving it. The rest of us will be happy we didn't choose that route. Think about that every time you smell another guy's cologne or when your wife is 'too sore' to make love to you. That circumstance is all yours !!!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

dkphap13 said:


> Why everyone here is so obsessed with divorcing a cheater. We are all human beings, all are drawn to making mistakes whoops I meant wrong decisions. yes I know nothing excuses anyone to cheat but it happenece. It's one thing threatening divorce but To me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity. If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with. No that dose not mean you be punished with infidelity but it happened, now what.
> 
> Is marriage to most of you just about two people going to work, raising kids, getting old together and getting comfortable?? Well what about love ??? I truly beleave Love is about fighting with them fighting for them. To me if I had to divorced my wife after I found out about her affair I would have just proven the The fact that I did not love her And she was in her right to a affair. Not every affair is the same neather are the reason nor the people that commits them. I genuinely believe that my wife is a good person who just got lost in the grand scheme of life. So now I am spose to crucify her?? Is the idea of marriage as I have listed above or is that about two people in love because if it is about love, love hurts, requires forgiveness, cries for passion, to me I or anyone that does not hold these values two words love Is just in a effectuation state with their spouse something that they are committed to not because they're in love because they have to because society demands it and God says so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you seems to be a romantic trying to justify her infidelity as proof to see if real love prevails in the end.

That is BS, this is not a movie nor a teen drama, a person who truly loves you don't go and do the more devastating act against you, because then he/she did not loved you at that moment when he/she took the decission to betray you.

He/she either loved his/her AP more than the love he/she felt for you and was willing to betray you and break your heart without second thought favoring the other person or He/she loved himself/herself more than he/she loves you, because the sexual pleasure he/she was feeling was more valuable than your loyal love at home.

Either way is horrible for the BS.

now tell me how many times a person can lost him/herself in the grand scheme of life, if a man/woman is cheated 5 different times and the 5 times he/she forgives his/her WS then does that mean that he/she loves his/her partner 5 times more than you do because he/she fought 5 times for "love" or does it mean that the BS is a poor sucker destined to be betrayed again?

I don't like to be rude to users normally, but i don't like know it alls that come trying to tell all of us that we are wrong, so I am going to close my argument with the nasty truth my friend so hear it well.

Sex is either about love or pleasure (or both), so you may call your reconciliation whatever you want "the ultimate proof of real love" or whatever, but the true is that your wife was either in love with her affair partner who just was using her for sex and she had to stay with you, or she was having delicious monkey sex giving 2 cents about your way of seeing love and she has her own definition where she can love you at her way and have sex with someone else.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

dkphap13 said:


> Serial cheater !!! If there were multiple affairs discovered yes divorce would be an in definite option. But she has done nothing but being honest and has answered to all my questions even the ones that I didn't want her to answer. I think some people do deserve a second chance some people do deserve forgiveness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes but what if the serial cheating or multiple affairs happened prior to dday and were only discoverd in dday and full truth was disclosed do they bit deserve the second chance as they were just discovered and you should forgive right? I am just saying these were your words and terms I am just adding a different angle and now you state d would be definite. I ask what is the differences between when dday hits if one or several affairs were discovered that were hidden prior. According to my STBXW it was all the same and just one big affair to her. Wouldn't this hold true in your scenario as well. Seems kind of judgemental to say that one full blown a is so much worse that 2 or more actions of the same. It was the same betrayal either way by the WS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> People on TAM don't always say to divorce. But they do encourage a punishment that suits the crime.


Don't divorce a cheating spouse to punish them. Divorce them If you decide you cannot live with them any longer, knowing they cheated on you and were capable of it and you really didn't mis- treat them in a way that even opens the question as to whether it was warranted in any way.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

"delicious monkey sex" sounds good to me...just make sure you get yours first so you don't get sloppy seconds! And who cares how my wayward wife *loved* me as long as I get mine first.

Sure this *was* a ****ty way to be in a marriage but it happens...trust me it happens.

Back in the day I didn't give two sh1ts who got my sloppy second as long as I got mine first.

But hey that's just me....go figure...this infidelity sh1t isn't so cookie cutter after all...is it?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

dkphap13 said:


> Serial cheater !!! If there were multiple affairs discovered yes divorce would be an in definite option. But she has done nothing but being honest and has answered to all my questions even the ones that I didn't want her to answer. I think some people do deserve a second chance some people do deserve forgiveness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sir, a spouse in the fog, or affair state of mind, is not the person they once were, in fact they become completely unrecognizable in time to the point where the BS blames himself for not seeing it in the first place, the WS apparent true character. 

There are only 2 effective weapons used to defend and attack an affair, exposure and the consequence of Divorce. The exposure disallows for the demonization of the betrayed and prevents the wayward and the AP from blossoming after the marriage falls apart in full view without anyone knowing what really happened, the crack house has been lit up for everyone to see and they do not want that, it spoils the fun by drawing considerable attention to these people. And any recourse will then be seen, mostly, as simple blah blah dialogue designed to defend their actions.

The Divorce is akin to a jail sentence to a alcoholic who just got busted after being caught and released time and time again but who learned nothing of the good fortune enough to change his.her behavior. Divorce papers offer a chance to wake the idiots out of their fantasy and make them feel the gravity of their actions, this works wonders on cheating men. 

Even if the desired result, the affair ending, does not materialize the BS is in a better place to start moving forward, and on. A WS may just relent in the view of the public and private social circles to the BS demands during the divorce and get little resistance afterword. It also prevents allegations of abuse, neglect or whatever accusations the wayward sees fit to adhere, Hi Dadof2.

There is nothing wrong with forgiveness or wanting to stay married with a wayward after the fact, but one must put a stop to the affair at all costs to have a chance, Chumplady called ie, we did not "mean" them into this situation, so why try to nice them out of it.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

SomethingsUp said:


> It's a lot more then just the act of cheating, it's the lying, stolen time from the BS, money spent on the affair, danger to the BS health, physical/mental, these all combined are the crimes of an affair.


but even if it was the cheating alone with the cleanest guy on earth and spontaneous, it's still a huge blow and deal breaker


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> but even if it was the cheating alone with the cleanest guy on earth and spontaneous, it's still a huge blow and deal breaker


Of course, for me as well.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IIJokerII said:


> Chumplady called ie, we did not "mean" them into this situation, so why try to nice them out of it.


Ya but.....
What if you did mean them into the situation, what if one got tired of their crap and just wants them to go away, no matter whos crotch they landed on?

She should of divorced me....I should have divorced her!

Any way a lot of you folks sound like you really got phucked. I kind of looks like some of you worked **** out and kept your CS around, must didn't and made it through, but I'm thinking OP did some heavy sh1t to his old lady that warranted forgiveness. maybe walked around naked with a shot gun...wait that was me

Something tells me OP stands corrected from his 1st post...but what the phuck do I know?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

luckily i was never put in a position to HAVE to divorce her. 

You are right, the first response here on TAM is "divorce her, kick her to the curb". But after you have lurked here long enough and read thru all the attempted reconciliation stories...and found the cheating spouse just keeps on cheating..albeit underground, why toying with your emotions....i guess i can see the logic in the responses.

Spouse is lying, maybe thousands of lies, disrespecting your marriage for some strange on the side, possibly killing you with something like aids having unprotected sex, doing the horizontal dance while you are staying at home watching the kids for them when they are just "working late at work". How are you supposed to kiss that mouth again, knowing where it has been? 

Some can Reconcile. But ONLY if the cheating spouse suddenly has some sort of biblical-scale revelation, goes down on their knees, and begs you and god for forgiveness for their horrible sin. Instead, most get a rug with dirt swept under it.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> luckily i was never put in a position to HAVE to divorce her.
> 
> You are right, the first response here on TAM is "divorce her, kick her to the curb". But after you have lurked here long enough and read thru all the attempted reconciliation stories...and found the cheating spouse just keeps on cheating..albeit underground, why toying with your emotions....i guess i can see the logic in the responses.
> 
> ...


I agree, it's just not the same person you thought you were married to anymore. You find out you don't know them at all when this happens. That's a game changer!


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

dkphap13 said:


> Why everyone here is so obsessed with divorcing a cheater. We are all human beings, all are drawn to making mistakes whoops I meant wrong decisions. yes I know nothing excuses anyone to cheat but it happenece. It's one thing threatening divorce but To me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity. If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with. No that dose not mean you be punished with infidelity but it happened, now what.


You sound like someone who has not been cheated on. 

And here is a hint: 
Don't EVER tell someone that they must not have been a good husband/wife to get cheated on. 
It shows your ignorance. 
Like the man who is cheated on because he can't see his wife very often because he is busy working triple shifts to make ends meet for the family. 
Or the woman who goes to work for the family to save up for the kid's college, and isn't always there for her husband, so he decides to cheat. 

All kinds of people get cheated on. 



> Is marriage to most of you just about two people going to work, raising kids, getting old together and getting comfortable?? Well what about love ??? I truly beleave Love is about fighting with them fighting for them. To me if I had to divorced my wife after I found out about her affair I would have just proven the The fact that I did not love her And she was in her right to a affair. Not every affair is the same neather are the reason nor the people that commits them. I genuinely believe that my wife is a good person who just got lost in the grand scheme of life. So now I am spose to crucify her?? Is the idea of marriage as I have listed above or is that about two people in love because if it is about love, love hurts, requires forgiveness, cries for passion, to me I or anyone that does not hold these values two words love Is just in a effectuation state with their spouse something that they are committed to not because they're in love because they have to because society demands it and God says so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, I can tell you haven't been cheated on. 
Hint: Don't say what you will do in any situation until you have been in it. 

For example, I knew I would divorce if my XW cheated on me. And you can probably guess what happened. 

And you might think I was some horrible husband. 
Yea, I had my own faults. Messed up childhood, used steroids for over half my life, and I worked 60 hour weeks. 
But I also made 6-figures, I had the body of a god, and I made damn sure I talked to my wife. That emotional intimacy? I craved it with her. She was the first person in my life I was emotionally open to. 
Did I go roid rage on her? No. 
Did I blame all my problems on her? No. 
Did I marginalize her, and treat her like a roommate? No. 
And guess what!? She cheated on me! 

Guess what! 
I tried to divorce. 
Probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. 
I switched back and forth between reconciling and divorce. 

In the end, a line was crossed, and I divorced. 

I did what I originally said I would do. And even with all my rage built up inside me, it was one of the most painful moments in my life. 


I also fell into alcoholism and depression. And I am sure I said somewhere, that I'd rather be dead, than with her. Or miserable. 

Interestingly, I live with her. Right now. Just finished doing the dishes after sharing dinner. 
And I am very happy. 

I love her. 
Did she make a mistake. 
You better believe it. 
It cost her the marriage. 

But don't assume just because someone divorces their cheating spouse, they don't love them. 
And MOST importantly:

DON'T assume you know how you'll react to any situation you'll be put in. 

You never know how you'll react until it happens. 

I always said I would divorce any cheating SO. I assume (can't really know, since this is present me looking back on past self) that would mean move on and find someone else. 
Yet here I am, still living with her, very happy.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

the guy said:


> Ya but.....
> What if you did mean them into the situation, what if one got tired of their crap and just wants them to go away, no matter whos crotch they landed on?
> 
> She should of divorced me....I should have divorced her!
> ...


Most of us weren't such ****ty husbands. In fact many of us were good fathers and husbands. Even if you were such a ****ty husband your WW could have left you. I'm glad she was able to get your attention by cheating and cause you to be a better husband but that is not the reality we often confront.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Did you guys even look at the OP's username? Looks like D!ck Fap? I doubt this is real...


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

And you just know that the first thing that will pop in to the OP's head when he finds out that his wife has cheated again is... I should have divorced her the first time.

If this is a real poster, he has one big life lesson waiting for him down the road.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Whether real our not, it is my experience that a lot of divorced people are going trough more misery in their divorced live than if they would have been rebuilding their marriage.

The hurt of the children keeps hurting them too.

Culture in the US seems to be more quick and superficial in regarding divorce. Something that may be reconsidered along the remarks op OP's first post.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are looking at this as of RIGHT NOW, and into the near future--------it isn't that simple

I don't know about you, but the normal "betrayed"-----has lost their "peace of mind"---their "carefree days" are gone---Trust, is out the window----all replaced by misery------and pushed hard by a sub-conscious that will not let you forget

You can forgive---you will NOT forget-----your sub-conscious will be in there bringing about the 4 a m wake up, and you know what, you will lay there and think about---it will bring tears to your eyes, as you sit in your office at work, or other times when you are alone, as in the car driving back and forth to work-----

You also have yet to face the distant future, your golden years, when the kids are gone, there is no job to go to---and you are alone much of the time with your wife--24/7/365-----believe me your thoughts will run to her A, and it will not be pretty

Triggers come anytime/anywhere, from anything-----No one is saying you can't stay with a cheater----but if you do stay, you will get to pick your level of misery---for there will be many, many, many days that are full of misery-----we are human, and that's just the way it is-----you will NEVER forget

There are successful R's, but down deep inside the betrayed, who does R----what really goes on 

As to D, it is the main weapon the betrayed has to use, especially in the beginnings of an attempt at R, as the betrayed, must let the cheater know---there is to never be another tryst,---D is the weapon of choice, cuz in all reality, what other weapon do you have????????


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I would divorce if my husband cheated because I have too much self respect than to stay with a person of such low morals. I think that people that don't divorce are weak.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Infidelity is so serious, Jesus pretty much said it was the only justified reason to divorce.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Holland said:


> I would divorce if my husband cheated because I have too much self respect than to stay with a person of such low morals. I think that people that don't divorce are weak.


Holland, I'm not sure about weak...some can work it out.

My first wife of a whole 2 years cheated. When I found out I packed my stuff and was gone within 24 hours and moved 5 hours away for work. She was more than a little shocked. Why, I don't know...

She betrayed me and new it was a deal breaker. She new what would happen and was told several times during our conversations about marriage. She did it anyways, her choice and I followed through, THE END.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

T&T. Have you posted your story?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> T&T. Have you posted your story?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Conan,

No, I haven't. I came to TAM a few years ago to help with my current marriage and we're doing very well now. The best we've ever been! 

That was 30 years ago and for the most part have forgotten about her. It was this thread that triggered that memory. It took me a long time to be able to trust again and have been married to my current W for 20+ years.

The same thing applies though, I won't tolerate betrayal. I can't, it's not in my DNA...I don't feel any stronger for it, it may even be a weakness...But it is what it is, I won't/can't tolerate it.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

the guy said:


> Ya but.....
> What if you did mean them into the situation, what if one got tired of their crap and just wants them to go away, no matter whos crotch they landed on?
> 
> She should of divorced me....I should have divorced her!
> ...


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Did you guys even look at the OP's username? Looks like D!ck Fap? I doubt this is real...


I had the same thought, kudos to you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Is this a fappening?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Is this a fappening?


I don't know, it' still early and I haven't had my morning Fappachino.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dkphap13 said:


> Serial cheater !!! If there were multiple affairs discovered yes divorce would be an in definite option. But she has done nothing but being honest and has answered to all my questions even the ones that I didn't want her to answer. I think some people do deserve a second chance some people do deserve forgiveness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


dkphap, we actually do recommend not divorcing in many situations; we first read to see what the cheater is doing to become a FORMER cheater; if they are, then most of us advise reconciliation. If, however, they fight the BS over every little attempt to end the affair, well, what's the point of staying together?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Whether real our not, it is my experience that a lot of divorced people are going trough more misery in their divorced live than if they would have been rebuilding their marriage.
> 
> The hurt of the children keeps hurting them too.
> 
> Culture in the US seems to be more quick and superficial in regarding divorce. Something that may be reconsidered along the remarks op OP's first post.


True, but the marriage still requires BOTH parties to have to work at it, so if after an affair a WS isn't remorseful or repentant, and isn't taking responsibility how can a relationship move forward? Or if the damage done to the BS is so great that they cannot function with the WS near them as a reminder, how can they move forward and work on a marriage?

The problem with the culture isn't that divorce is so quick and casual, its that extra-marital affairs have become too quick and casual.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Holland said:


> I would divorce if my husband cheated because I have too much self respect than to stay with a person of such low morals. I think that people that don't divorce are weak.


I think reconciliation takes a lot of strength, and I respect those who do, but rugsweeping is the sign of weakness.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Super.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I never judge a person who feels in their heart that they want to R.

People have to follow their own path.

But its bullsh*t to claim that immediately divorcing a traitor is a sign that the BS never had the proper level of love for their spouse and probably therefore helped drive the WS to cheat.

Some people just have a ZERO tolerance for staying with lying, traitorous, and disloyal partners.

And while I respect and support every BS's choice to stay and R if they desire to, I personally cannot understand on an intellectual level why anyone would EVER even want such a person in their life ever again.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

R means a re-do. Issues is, folks may not want to date a proven cheat. A fresh start with another appears a much less risky option than a proven behavior. A fresh start brings new memories unclouded by such betrayal.

Cheating is forever to the memory.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> Sir, a spouse in the fog, or affair state of mind, is not the person they once were, in fact they become completely unrecognizable in time to the point where the BS blames himself for not seeing it in the first place, the WS apparent true character.
> 
> There are only 2 effective weapons used to defend and attack an affair, exposure and the consequence of Divorce. The exposure disallows for the demonization of the betrayed and prevents the wayward and the AP from blossoming after the marriage falls apart in full view without anyone knowing what really happened, the crack house has been lit up for everyone to see and they do not want that, it spoils the fun by drawing considerable attention to these people. And any recourse will then be seen, mostly, as simple blah blah dialogue designed to defend their actions.
> 
> ...


Why? Because I was a nice person. So I used what I had at my disposal to attempt to fix the situation, my niceness.


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

dkphap13 said:


> Why everyone here is so obsessed with divorcing a cheater. We are all human beings, all are drawn to making mistakes whoops I meant wrong decisions. yes I know nothing excuses anyone to cheat but it happenece. It's one thing threatening divorce but To me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity. If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with. No that dose not mean you be punished with infidelity but it happened, now what.
> 
> Is marriage to most of you just about two people going to work, raising kids, getting old together and getting comfortable?? Well what about love ??? I truly beleave Love is about fighting with them fighting for them. To me if I had to divorced my wife after I found out about her affair I would have just proven the The fact that I did not love her And she was in her right to a affair. Not every affair is the same neather are the reason nor the people that commits them. I genuinely believe that my wife is a good person who just got lost in the grand scheme of life. So now I am spose to crucify her?? Is the idea of marriage as I have listed above or is that about two people in love because if it is about love, love hurts, requires forgiveness, cries for passion, to me I or anyone that does not hold these values two words love Is just in a effectuation state with their spouse something that they are committed to not because they're in love because they have to because society demands it and God says so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I absolutely agree with you, but...the element here....is if the WW Spouse is willing to accept responsibility, ask for forgiveness, get counseling and go to counseling with you, is ready to be an absolutely complete open book..and accept that in your eyes, they have betrayed you, hurt you, and be able to live with that truth, and if they will be able to maintain it...it is hard work I tell you!!! I know because I've been there, because my H not only cheated that would be an understatement, he had a double life with maybe hundreds of women, for years..all the while i was dealing with a full time job, 3 kids, one with emotional problems....and yes, i was blind...I NEVER thought he could do this, never thought anyone could do this...and I stayed. Not because I don't respect myself but first because when I found out, he had stopped on his own, not because I caught him, then because this was clearly a psychological problem, it was not an affair, he never intended to replace me or our relationship, third, because my pain was mine and didn't have to be my children's, and fourth because I loved him and I wanted to give me ONE chance to make it right. So far so good, 2 years after, he is putting as much effort in being the perfect husband as he did in his double life...he is really really trying so hard that sometimes I even feel sad for him...HE needs to face the reality that he hurt me more than anyone ever will, he needs to face the fact that his words is not as trustworthy as before, so much for living a fantasy...his reality is to show every day that he can be an honest man, a man with integrity, the man I married to....and I think that little by little, he is getting there....so for some of us....there is hope, but remember, never compromise your values, never do anything out of revenge or pain, because it usually ends badly and.....two wrongs don't make one right.


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## Served Cold (May 25, 2014)

dkphap13 said:


> Why everyone here is so obsessed with divorcing a cheater. We are all human beings, all are drawn to making mistakes whoops I meant wrong decisions. yes I know nothing excuses anyone to cheat but it happenece. It's one thing threatening divorce but To me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity. If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with. No that dose not mean you be punished with infidelity but it happened, now what.
> 
> Is marriage to most of you just about two people going to work, raising kids, getting old together and getting comfortable?? Well what about love ??? I truly beleave Love is about fighting with them fighting for them. To me if I had to divorced my wife after I found out about her affair I would have just proven the The fact that I did not love her And she was in her right to a affair. Not every affair is the same neather are the reason nor the people that commits them. I genuinely believe that my wife is a good person who just got lost in the grand scheme of life. So now I am spose to crucify her?? Is the idea of marriage as I have listed above or is that about two people in love because if it is about love, love hurts, requires forgiveness, cries for passion, to me I or anyone that does not hold these values two words love Is just in a effectuation state with their spouse something that they are committed to not because they're in love because they have to because society demands it and God says so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I divorced my wife. I didn't divorce the love I had for her. I disagree with the premise that if you divorce someone who cheated on you means you didn't love them. 

I was fair and generous in our divorce settlement. Even though I divorced her, I handled it with respect. Far more respect than she offered me by cheating.

If anything, your hypothesis is skewed. If you really love someone, if you really respect someone you wouldn't cheat...period.

Loving someone does not mean that you must not love and respect yourself. 

Personally, I guess from your post you have low self esteem to believe the tripe you've posted.

Love without respect, is a low grade love. I'd rather be divorced than to be with someone who cheapens love.

I don't hate my ex...I wish her well. I know myself too well, that I could not stay married to her, knowing I lost my respect for her.

I feel no shame in being divorced. The shame of being deceived is by far worse than being divorced. 

To divorce someone you love is also giving yourself love.

For those that can reconcile, I wish them the best, and for those that divorce and move on, I also wish them the best.

To be honest, as a single man in his thirties, I'm overwhelmed by all the lovely single women who I've met and dated. It's actually unbelievably overwhelming, there are so many great women out there, why stay married to someone who couldn't even respect you.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Dkphap13, 

My husband has been saying your so very similar words to me for the past 3 years, except he was the one to have the affair... 

I wish for a second I could believe your thoughts as my life would be hell free... 

At least you are at peace with your wife's behavior. I wish you luck in the future. 

~sammy


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Dkphap13,
> 
> My husband has been saying your so very similar words to me for the past 3 years, except he was the one to have the affair...
> 
> ...


The op is here because she had the A but is not revealing all like in the other threads where he admits to having cheated on his first wife with his current wife so it is hard to imagine that he wouldn't support forgiveness considering he already had committed those offenses himself (I know I wish have trouble living with myself if I didn't support the viewpoint forgiving myself of offenses I was holding against others).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Juicer said:


> You sound like someone who has not been cheated on.
> 
> And here is a hint:
> Don't EVER tell someone that they must not have been a good husband/wife to get cheated on.
> ...





Juicer, 

Can you give us a time span when all of this took place? From Dday to present? and looking back, if there is one solid piece of advise to others, what would it be? 



~sammy

don't mean to hi-jac


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Why? Because I was a nice person. So I used what I had at my disposal to attempt to fix the situation, my niceness.


And it worked? Well either your Wife was one of the few humans on planet earth to actually respond in kind to her actions. I tried the MB way and the situation got worse, far worse, than I could tolerate. It wasn't until I pushed back that I got any results and if I pushed just a little bit harder at a particular point I might have a success story for you but the circumstance did not go as needed.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Cheating, for me anyway, was love's cold blooded murderer.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Dkphap13

I read your first post and haven't had a chance to read the other posts. I will answer what you asked in your original post. The choice is yours to make. If you decide to divorce so be it, the same for reconciliation. Each relationship is different, so are the individuals involved. What you get here are varying opinions and advice offerings that you decide if you want to follow. In my opinion TAM is an invaluable resource for both the BS and WS. In the end I want peace and happiness for me and since nothing is guaranteed, hope that I made the correct decision for myself. 

I have read numerous threads here and taken that knowledge to better my relationship. Most people here have been through infidelity and what better resource could you ask for. Most people here have felt the pain you and I are feeling, and deal with it the best way they know how. Some divorce and some reconcile. Certain posters here have helped me in huge ways and others have allowed me to view my situation in a way I hadn't seen before. Some days just typing is cathartic to me and hopefully helps someone else. I honestly wish I wasn't here at times and certainly because of infidelity, but life throws curves and posters here have helped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nanofaan (Aug 1, 2014)

I respect myself more than anyone else in this world.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

A mistake is a ONS.

An affair that lasts over weeks, months or years is not a mistake. And the TT to minimize the damage is not a mistake either.

I have said it before, my wife should have kicked me to the curb and moved on.

Some people can forgive and try to rebuild. Others can't. If you can stand have that little bit of pain with you for the rest of your life then good for you because you're a better person.

Most people the 1st reaction is to pull out what's hurting them and throw it away. Others take it out, look at it and then throw it away. I don't know anyone (for me) that will take it out, look at it and then stick it back into the wound...aside from my wife but she's a better person than I will ever be. The pain is not me cheating again, the pain is knowing that I cheated on her, she carries it with her even 16 years later.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

CH said:


> A mistake is a ONS.
> 
> An affair that lasts over weeks, months or years is not a mistake. And the TT to minimize the damage is not a mistake either.


Neither of the above is a MISTAKE. They are cold calculated bad choices/ decisions.

A mistake is something that happens contrary to what the intended/expected outcome was (and where the intentions are generally for the good). NO affair, be it long term or ONS, was a mistake as the person accomplished what they intended to happen. No one just trips and accidentally lands on/in another's genitalia. It was a choice/ decision made and not a MISTAKE.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"Oooooh she got punished alright I got her to quite her job that she loved and was aiming for for her entire life. And there is no way she can ever go back to it."

So are you happy and secure with your little "stepford" ?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dkphap13 said:


> It's one thing threatening divorce but To me divorcing immediately after discovering infidelity jsut shows me the lack of love one have for their spouse that most definitely could be a cause for one's infidelity. If you are that eager to get rid of them you must not have been a good husband/wife, caring, loving, sportive, to begin with


Really? Read what you just posted here again, and please tell me who really had a lack of love for their spouse to begin with. My guess is you will say the betrayed spouse, even though you are the BS, because you know how you want to proceed with your wife, yet do not like the advice given or the words of those that don’t think like you.


> I genuinely believe that my wife is a good person who just got lost in the grand scheme of life. So now I am spose to crucify her??


No, you are supposed to take the varying opinions and decide for yourself what you want to do. Nobody is wrong for telling you you should get rid of her, and nobody is wrong for telling you to give it a chance. They are opinions.

I’m not even going to say anything negative to you if you truly desire to reconcile with your wife. I wish you the best. But why do you care if the rest of us simply do not want to stay with a cheater?
This is not a judgment, but if you already know what you want to do, then why don’t you just do it and ignore those of us that will not put up with being disrespected in a particular way?

Alas, after doing some reading in your other thread, I think I found the answer.
You justified cheating on your X by saying she was a tyrant on speed, and on top of that you also had an EA and a PA on your current wife, then she cheated, then you cheated back again.

So now I can see why you aren’t so big on people that don’t like cheaters.



> Well what about love ???


What about it?
Like Halle Berry said in Boomerang. “What do you know about love? Love should have brought your ass home last night”.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dkphap13 said:


> Hahahaha. No I am going to defend my opinion of forgiveness and trying to work things out, if there is a slight chance of making it work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then why do you expect us to defend the desire to not be with someone that cheats on us?

If you aren’t going to defend your opinion on forgiveness, then don’t ask us or, more to the point, try to insult us by making those of us who won’t stay with a cheater look like the unloving spouse.

If you want to forgive her and stay with her, then do it.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Really? Read what you just posted here again, and please tell me who really had a lack of love for their spouse to begin with. My guess is you will say the betrayed spouse, even though you are the BS, because you know how you want to proceed with your wife, yet do not like the advice given or the words of those that don’t think like you.
> 
> No, you are supposed to take the varying opinions and decide for yourself what you want to do. Nobody is wrong for telling you you should get rid of her, and nobody is wrong for telling you to give it a chance. They are opinions.
> 
> ...




The OP stirred the pot with this thread, then bailed soon after. And for good reason, as you stated above. He's probably posting somewhere else on how it's o.k. to jump the turn styles at the subway gates.

Good to see that you're back.


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