# Rejuvenate your relationship through the power of gratitude | by Richard Nicastro PhD



## Chris H.

You have the power to change your mood at this very moment—to increase your optimism, elevate your energy and enthusiasm, and increase your motivation toward reaching your personal goals. How is this possible?

By sowing the seeds of _gratitude._

Research shows that when you increase feelings of gratitude, a domino effect occurs and you begin to experience other positive changes as well, such as increased overall happiness. If you’ve ever been told to "count your blessings," you should have listened.
What is gratitude and why is it important to your relationship?

At some point in your relationship you will take your partner for granted. There’s really no way around this. Don’t panic—this doesn’t mean you love your partner any less or that your relationship is troubled. (After all, most of us take <i>life</i> for granted at one time or another, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love being alive!) Patterns develop in relationships that lead us to expect certain things from our partners. The joy and tenderness that was once stirred by a morning hug or warm greeting can get lost because of sheer repetition or busy lives that compete for attention. 

*Gratitude is the antidote to taking your partner for granted.*

First and foremost, gratitude is a mindset.
Gratitude is not a one-time event but rather a _mindset that requires cultivation_. A gratitude mindset can refocus your attention, pointing out all the small, easily over-looked things your partner does. It reminds you that your wife didn’t have to phone "just to say hello" or that your husband didn’t have to cook dinner after a long, exhausting day. The gratitude mindset silences anti-appreciative thoughts like, "She’s supposed to do that…" or "He’s just doing what any father should do…" When you embrace gratitude and make it part of your inner dialogue, you’ll hear yourself saying, "She’s such a thoughtful person" or "Our children are lucky to have him as a father." 

Adopting the mindset of gratitude takes commitment. But, if you decide to become more consistently grateful for your partner or spouse, look what you’ll get in return: you’ll feel better about yourself and your relationship; you’ll feel more positive and optimistic about the future of your relationship or marriage; your partner will sense this optimism and positive outlook and therefore will feel appreciated, and will become infected by the spread of gratitude. 

How to begin:
~ Begin to notice all the small things your partner does, especially all the things you typically expect him/her to do. The next time your partner gets the children fed and off to school before heading to work, notice the love, dedication and multi-tasking skills involved in this activity. 

~ Be open to your partner’s uniqueness. Remind yourself of all the reasons you are drawn to your partner. What is it about this person that made you want to spend the rest of your life with him/her? 

~ See things from a fresh perspective. He’s made you coffee every morning for the last three years; She’s stopped to pick up takeout each Friday after work for the last year; Rather than going the typical route of a bakery, he bakes your birthday cake each year (forget, for a moment, the fact that it tasted like soot)… It’s easy to get used to these repetitive, kind gestures and it’s even easier to rationalize them as something most people would do—take my word for it, not everyone would do all the special things your partner does. 

~ Each evening, mentally revisit the time you spent with your partner that day. Notice the conversations you had, the things s/he did. Think of which unique traits that your partner possesses were on display that day (e.g., her sense of humor, the way she smiles, his tenderness). 

~ Stop and smell the coffee (that perhaps your partner brewed). Allow yourself the time to feel grateful for what you’re noticing. Become absorbed in your appreciation and savor the experience. Since capturing things on paper can help you slow down and mindfully focus on things you’re grateful for, write down what you’re noticing and appreciating in your partner. The few minutes this will take is well worth the effort.

~ Communicate your gratitude to your partner in a way that feels meaningful to you. This can be direct (telling your partner how you feel) or indirect (doing something thoughtful for your partner).

Remember: although it might feel like human nature to focus on what isn’t working, it’s most gratifying and rewarding to begin with an awareness and appreciation of the strengths that you and your partner already bring to the relationship. 
Adopting a gratitude mindset is one way to help you begin transforming your relationship. To discover others, sign up for Dr. Nicastro's free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter at Life Talk Coaching and immediately receive two _FREE_ reports that will help you achieve your relationship potential. 


Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.


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## tater03

These are very great tips and this is so true. I know that in my everyday life with my husband I tend to take things for granted and not look and let him know all the things he does for me and our family. This is a very great article.


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## Sensitive

What wonderful tips. I need to show gratitude. I feel my husband and I need to ask for acceptance or appreciation. If we offer a compliment without asking, I think it will brighten our relationship tremendously.


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## maplesky

Super article. In my marriage, I did very well to take the small things for granted and didn't show my husband enough gratitude. And now my husband and I are separated. 

Although we are separated and in a period of no contact, however, I feel as though I can still practice gratitude. He now views me as a friend, which is painful. However, I personally believe friendship is the foundation for marriage. Perhaps this presents a good opportunity to show him gratitude for all the special things that make him who he _is_ (and not what he "did" for our family unit or me... like taking care of the car or the cat litter or writing me poetry). Maybe that is the most basic form of gratitude -- just feeling appreciation for who people are. And, in keeping with this theme, I'd like to start practicing gratitude for other people and things in my life. As I journal to work through this difficult time, I will try to remember to include one line of gratitude in each entry.


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## qwiffles

These are very great tips and this is so true. thanks for sharing you knowledge and insight


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## Mr The Other

It took me a long time to understand how my wife could seem to be so indifferent to what was done for her, while strongly believing she was dedicated to the marriage. I can see that she lost gratitude, not for me in particular, but for life in general. She was a stay at home wife, but could only see that circumstances meant she could not get her dream job - that she should get another job instead seemed to be punishment.

She was able to do this, but felt hard done by that work took me on foreign trips and left her behind.

I did a good amount of stuff around the house, remove the gratitude and it makes sense that she would feel she was being exploited.

Oddly, it really did teach me the power of gratitude, as she suffered more than anyone else.


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## SimplyAmorous

This is an excellent article.. :smthumbup:



> *Gratitude is a mindset.*
> 
> Gratitude is not a one-time event but rather a mindset that requires cultivation. A gratitude mindset can refocus your attention, pointing out all the small, easily over-looked things your partner does. It reminds you that your wife didn’t have to phone "just to say hello" or that your husband didn’t have to cook dinner after a long, exhausting day. *The gratitude mindset silences anti-appreciative thoughts like, "She’s supposed to do that…" or "He’s just doing what any father should do…" When you embrace gratitude and make it part of your inner dialogue, you’ll hear yourself saying, "She’s such a thoughtful person" or "Our children are lucky to have him as a father."*


 This falls in line with being validating to our spouses, never forgetting to express the good, it's uplifting, encouraging.. a timely word can sometimes make all the difference in a day, the outlook we carry..to work, and within the home...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html

I think, because of my meager upbringing, also feeling a little lonely being an only child.......some of the things I have seen in my life.. what was taken from me.. having to go live with my Step Mom & dad where I felt I wasn't so wanted..... I had to keep my mouth shut & walk a straight line , I feared her!..... I was so far from being spoiled... I mean, my needs were met (I had food, shelter, a room, friends, schooling) .....but "wants"...what was that? 

So when I met my husband in 10th grade... the way he treated me.. he made me feel very special...he took me anywhere I wanted to go, took me shopping for clothes at the mall (I remember feeling guilty for this)...but I was so thankful... 

Looking back.. those experiences built Gratitude within for even the smaller things in life ...I never had high expectations materially ...We just wanted to make it on our own...find a little place in the country, We had each other & our dreams...so much like the words to  Danny's song...



> People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one,
> And we've only just begun.
> Think I'm gonna have a son.
> He will be like she and me, as free as a dove,
> Conceived in love.
> Sun is gonna shine above.
> 
> And even though we ain't got money,
> I'm so in love with you, honey,
> And everything will bring a chain of love.
> And in the morning, when I rise,
> You bring a tear of joy to my eyes
> And tell me everything is gonna be alright.


Those are the words of Gratitude.... 

Then we couldn't conceive...I got a lesson in just how precious children really are ... we should never take them for granted.. so many times over the yrs, when I am tempted to pull my hair out







... I remind myself .. We may have never had any dirty finger prints on the wall, muddy floors, cleaning throw up out of the carpet at 3am, or gum out of their hair...but I ...and call it all JOY...

And the moments like this...







...following me around on their Power wheels as I mow the lawn....hauling buckets of water to the sand box -working as a team to build a river.... 2nd son will graduate this year , then his brother following right behind ...(in 2 weeks I will watch their last march on the football field together as drummers side by side) So thankful for the years we've had....I so often tell them what they mean to us..how much we love them.

If there is any redeeming purpose to our struggles & hardships along the way of life.... it is in realizing there is so much to be thankful for amidst them even....recognizing the little blessings...even when the transmission goes & the roof is leaking....but there is still moments to seize .....



> *~* Be open to your partner’s uniqueness. Remind yourself of all the reasons you are drawn to your partner. What is it about this person that made you want to spend the rest of your life with him/her?


 Being on TAM, I have taken the time to write so much of this out...dissecting my own feelings...H doesn't really read my stuff.. but I so enjoy expressing these things.. it's never too much, it's something HE doesn't take for granted from ME.. I know it makes him feel very loved. 



> *~ *See things from a fresh perspective. He’s made you coffee every morning for the last three years; She’s stopped to pick up takeout each Friday after work for the last year; Rather than going the typical route of a bakery, he bakes your birthday cake each year (forget, for a moment, the fact that it tasted like soot)… *It’s easy to get used to these repetitive, kind gestures and it’s even easier to rationalize them as something most people would do—take my word for it, not everyone would do all the special things your partner does.*


 So true ...appreciating the little things.. these ARE the things we will miss when our partners are gone.. notice while they Live..and Give. There was a song by Sammy Hagar years ago, called Give to Live 



> *~* Communicate your gratitude to your partner in a way that feels meaningful to you. This can be direct (telling your partner how you feel) or indirect (doing something thoughtful for your partner).


 This ties into the whole Love Languages, knowing what our partners are & how they feel loved ..we all have a primary love language or 2 competing with each other... 

 Love Languages Personal Profile


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## Brigit

Great article!


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## Jung_admirer

Imagine you are emanating the love you have in all directions, but the recipients only perceive fear and disrespect. You say, "I am showing you truth and love" but the recipient responds "I only feel pain in your presence". How do you decide who is hurtful and who is being hurt?

The truth is simple: We all know when we feel loved and cherished. I am not speaking of praise or flattery, but of loving compassion the nurtures the soul. This is the binding force of the universe that will not be denied. You don't need to change the world; you need to change yourself and the world will respond in kind. And changing yourself begins with the surrender of entitlement and the practice of gratitude.


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