# He sid he wasnt thinking...



## beni14 (Sep 7, 2010)

I am 25 years old and I have been married 6 yrs and 9 months now. yes I got married when I was 18 my husband had just turned 20, but i have been for the most part happy. in october we got pregnant and this was a planned pregnancy. my whole pregnancy everything went great i didnt getg super hormonal like all others so we were happy. we stopped having sex 3 months into the pregnancy because it caused me to much pain. although that didnt stop me frm having the urge, i tried a few times after that but at that point my husband didnt want to hurt me. in july we had a beautifu; baby boy and we had complications during labor. I caught a fever and my uterus caught an infection. when my baby came out he had breathing problems and had to be transferred to anpther hospital which he stayed for 1 week. that had to have been the worst time of my life, i couldnt go see my son because i was recovering. my husband was the only one to comfort me. so 4 weeks into bringing the baby home he had gone to bed and i had baby duty. I saw his cell phone and decided to go thru it all though in the 6 yrs of marriage I never did. i went thru it and found he was sexting a client of his and it was mutual with her. I confronted him that instant and kicked him out. I felt so betrayed. It hurt so much because we had just had our son then obviously after having a baby i wasnt really feeling sexy or thhought about it. i cried all the time and to make things worse i was falling into postpartum depression. once i licked him out i snapped out of the postpartum depression and concentrated on my son. my husbands excuse was that he wasnt thinking at first. finally after talking he told me it was because he was sexually frustated anh although he text he woud never pursue anything more. i took him back after a week, he told me he was going to change and this would never happen again. so i started to forgive him slowly letting him hold my hand, kisses etc... we went out to eat without the baby and i told him that this dinner was the last time we would talk about this situation and i just wanted to move on and be happy with our new family and find a house.
2 weeks went by and Everything was going great (i thought) on a tuesday we put an offer on a house and on wendsday nigh we had talked about the house and how we were going to decorate in case we got it. once again i felt the urge to see his phone. so i took it to the bathroom with me and in his phone although you delete texts it stills saves it in history. i went thru his texts first and i found nothing and i felt good. So then I went through his history and found he had spoken to a nother client from work and this time the convesation was dirtier and he even request a naked picture although she never sent him one. I confronted him again and I got the same response that he wasnt thinking but this time he said it wasnt sexual and it was fiction. i didnt believe him, i had the urge to completley go through his phone and found he had texted a 3rd women but the last 2 times they did not recipricate the dirty texting. I am currently living with my mom and i took my son.
I am just so hurt and betrayed by all this, i just dont understand why now he would do this after out baby was born. salthough he didnt physically cheat it still is cheating to me. the fact of him thinking of other women and is not women whom he doesnt know its women whom he had met. and he was the one to start these dirty conversation. i just cant believe that it would not be something sexual. my self esteem has also taken a toll, i feel inadequate as a women to not be able to satisfy my husband. i feel my body is gross and unattractive. if he only would have talkd to me and told me he was sexually frustrated i would have made it a priority. im so hurt that he would risk doing this 2 more times, I mean our relationship at that point was so very fragile. 2 times he was at work once he was at home while i was at my mothers. Home is where i am suppose to feel safe out sanctuary. he tells me he wants to work things out he wants to give me a better reason other than "he want thinking" it also husrt because that friday i found out our offer was approved and with my financial sitation i would nt be able to do it alone so my mother decided to leave her home to my sister and move in with me. he told me he is going to see a phyciatrist and a priest and today we have our first session of marriage counseling. i havent told him i want to get back although deep inside i want to make this work im just scared of getting hurt again. or that he will be doing it again but this time he will hideit really well. he tell me he doent want to loose me that he doesnt want any women (sexually) other than me and he doesnt want to live with out me in the picture and he doesnt want to be a part time dad. im just seeking advise on what to do. i know now that this isnt something that can get fixed right away that we need time apart butit hurts to think that he will be away from his son and holidays are coming up and i dont know how long this will last so i may have to spend my sons first thanksgivingm christmas, halloween without his dad. i feel as if my husband robbed that father son relationship from my baby. i told him if he wanted to work things out he needed to get his priorites straight and that this time it was on him to work this out because i asked for none of this. i just dont know if i can completley trust him again because it will always be in my mind and my biggest fear is that lets say we do get back together he mat not be doing it anymore but i will still feel he is and he is just hiding it better and we will live in misery and push each other away and hate eachother. sorry for all the misspellings but i am so upset and i have my son in my arms.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear this honey. You are right, he did betray you, more than once. And the trust that has been broken has to be earned back. Let him go to individual counseling and go to marriage counseling. You don't have to make any life decisions right now. Slow down and think about what you want, about whether or not you can forgive. From the sounds of it, I think you can, but you are right to think that it will be hard. It'll be a long road, but it can be done. There are several members here who have travelled it and can help you get through it. My only advice is to take your time and not rush any decisions. Think it all through first, and take days, weeks, etc to get there. This is your life and your marriage, its worth the time to think about it.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm going to try to address as much of what you said as I can, to try to ease your mind. First, your baby. 

Your husband didn't rob him of that father-son relationship. IF, big IF, you two were to divorce, he and your son can still have a good relationship, if your husband is willing to put in the effort and actually be a dad. So, do not let that be a deciding factor in whether you stay or go. 

So...do you forgive and stay together, or leave? Well, that depends. Depends on whether or not you actually can forgive and let it go and eventually learn to trust him again. Depends on whether he can actually stop cheating and prove to you he's stopped and can do things to ensure your trust is rebuilt.

Counseling is a great first step. Don't go back right away...that could encourage him to think things are ok and he can stop going. Have him continue seeing whoever he's going to see and you two go to marriage counseling together. Get things out in the open, start making progress. Once progress is being made, ask the counselor to suggest when you two should consider living in the same home again. 

Regardless of anything else you do, listen to your heart, your intuition. It's what told you to look at his phone those times. If it tells you he's not changing, don't assume it's right, but don't assume it's wrong either. Seriously consider why you might feel that way.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How does someone compose and send a text message without thinking? That's an absurd concept. Go visit any hospital and find a patient in a coma. Lay a cell phone down next to them. No text messages will be sent. "Dirty" messages complete with naked photos are sexual communications. There's no other purpose to write them or send them. He wasn't trying to buy vinyl siding from these women. If it wasn't wrong and he wasn't afraid you'd see them, he probably wouldn't have deleted them. If he wants to make things work with you, a very great place to start would be to stop lying. If he's going to persist in lying, he needs to get much better at it.


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