# Unanswered questions... let it go?



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

So he cheated more than once and you stay with him twice, it takes years and years to get over an affair you don't seem bothered by the ONS at all. Have you been tested for std's?

I don't think you will ever leave him, so you are going to have to just forget about it and move on.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Wow, De-Nile ain't just a river in Egypt.

First of all, people don't have a period of remorse. You seem to think some dog and pony show texts where he's claiming he's all heartbroken are when he 'had' remorse. It's something you either HAVE or don't. 

What you don't understand is that REGRET is all about what *he* loses and how things affect *HIM*. It's been ALL about him for years and making sure HE gets what he wants and needs. To this day it continues to be ALL about him. That's not remorse. Remorse is all about his ability to feel YOUR pain and knocking himself out to try to make up for it and become the kind of man that you want him to be because he believes you *deserve* nothing less. If sitting around acting like an arrogant a*sshole and telling YOU how reconciliation is going to go and intimidating you into being too afraid to ask him for what you need is the extent of his so-called 'reconciliation efforts," then he's about as far away from remorse as it *gets*.

Telling you he refuses to talk about his sleazy cheating 'unless it's in MC' and lying about the extent of all his cheating past and present is NOT REMORSE. *Not even close*.

You don't like the answers (except one) that you're getting here because the posters aren't going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you that wasting your efforts on a completely remorseless serial cheater (and that's what he IS) is worth it, because it's NOT worth it.

If you're looking for people to delude you into continuing to settle for this level of complete disrespect and who all believe that if you send your cheating husband to therapy that's the magic cure for EVERYTHING and he'll be _right as rain_ the minute he's done paying some quack to tell him his childhood made him cheat, then head on over to SI.com. Stop at the welcome center for a huge helping of Kool-Aid and join the rest of the sheep on the Reconciliation board who continually cling to their sleazy cheaters like grim death no matter HOW sh*tty they're still being treated. A lot of them have more D-Days in their signatures than you can shake a stick at, and some continue to post about finding new evidence that lover boy is up to his old tricks yet _again_ - and yet, they continue to cling like a bad rash to these losers.

You can call me 'mean' all you want. That wasn't my intention at all. I just hate to see women so deep in denial that they're willing to sell their soul off just to cling to a lying opportunist who isn't worthy of shining her shoes.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Reread his texts and compare them to his statement that he isn't going to kiss your ass. He just admitted that he manipulated you by 'lowering' himself to beg and he isn't going to do it again. He's back in the house, now, so you need to just stfu and get over it. You're dealing with a person who feels entitled to do whatever he wants and he doesn't care how it hurts you. He isn't talking about the affairs because he doesn't want to relive it - he's not talking about them because he doesn't want to be bothered. 

It's better to cut the cord after ten years rather than twenty or thirty. Otherwise, you're in for a world of hurt with this one.


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## LostWifey (Nov 3, 2016)

I'm out. I can see coming here was a mistake. You people are all out with the pitchforks. You have successfully pushed away another BS from your forum. Congratulations on being cold a$$holes. Don't even bother responding to me anymore or keep bashing me and telling me I'm an idiot. I don't need this sh!t from strangers. C-ya.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'm sorry you're here. I'm sorry the GOOD advice here hurts, and feels threatening. I'm sorry you can't separate what's good about your H from what's bad.

You love what's good about him. I get it. You would like that to "take care of" or compensate for the bad. You don't want to lose the good.

It's crystal clear in your responses. Because, even though it probably hurts, you're defending him time and time again.

No one here is out to get you. They're all trying to save you the pain they endured.

Think of the motivations of the TAM members who've responded. Put aside the defensiveness and you'll hear their pain too.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Looks like my response posted a couple minutes too late


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

LostWifey said:


> I'm out. I can see coming here was a mistake. You people are all out with the pitchforks. You have successfully pushed away another BS from your forum. Congratulations on being cold a$$holes. Don't even bother responding to me anymore or keep bashing me and telling me I'm an idiot. I don't need this sh!t from strangers. C-ya.


If only you would take that anger out on your SERIAL CHEATING POS WH instead of us strangers, your life would be so much better.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

LostWifey said:


> Ok, so I still have some unanswered questions about my H's affair this summer.


From the timeline it posted, your "husband" trolled facebook to pursued sex with his AP. 

What are you confused about? The why? Because he's a selfish POS who doesn't really love OR respect you. 



LostWifey said:


> Also, I called him out on a lie I found out and he was so furious he threatened to leave again. This is what he does when he gets angry. Tells me he's walking out on me and the kids with his paycheck and will leave us hanging.


Again he does this because he doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect you because you DO NOT respect yourself.

You behave like a doormat and a codependent, fighting for a relationship he values far far less than you do.



LostWifey said:


> I'm so tired of his affair consuming valuable space in my brain. How do I let it go??


FVCKING DUMP HIM and never look back. He's remorseless so this marriage is UNSALVAGEABLE. He will NEVER treat you with DIGNITY or RESPECT. 

That is how you start to "heal". By you stopping to take the daily poison that is this A-HOLE. Continue counseling for YOU however. You REALLY need it.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

barbados said:


> If only you would take that anger out on your SERIAL CHEATING POS WH instead of us strangers, your life would be so much better.


She'll be back in 6 months or less because he cheated again. :crying:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I feel terribly for her. You can tell she is hurting. He has manipulated her for years and she cannot break out of the cycle. 

Someone pointed it out, and those of us that saw the texts in the other thread know it. To go from the "remorse" he showed in those texts in September to what he is feeding her now in November. It's disgusting that someone can be so cruel to a person they supposedly love. 

OP feels helpless. Anger toward the other woman, anger here. That anger needs to be directed at her husband and only then will she be able to heal.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I feel terribly for her. You can tell she is hurting. He has manipulated her for years and she cannot break out of the cycle.
> 
> Someone pointed it out, and those of us that saw the texts in the other thread know it. To go from the "remorse" he showed in those texts in September to what he is feeding her now in November. It's disgusting that someone can be so cruel to a person they supposedly love.
> 
> OP feels helpless. Anger toward the other woman, anger here. That anger needs to be directed at her husband and only then will she be able to heal.


I agree. I tried to shared my story. Ex was exactly like her husband.. I hope she opens her eyes one day.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I feel terribly for her. You can tell she is hurting. He has manipulated her for years and she cannot break out of the cycle.
> 
> Someone pointed it out, and those of us that saw the texts in the other thread know it. To go from the "remorse" he showed in those texts in September to what he is feeding her now in November. It's disgusting that someone can be so cruel to a person they supposedly love.
> 
> OP feels helpless. Anger toward the other woman, anger here. That anger needs to be directed at her husband and only then will she be able to heal.


Yep. She needs to just end it, because if he is refusing to talk about it when she needs to, it will never work. She cannot heal if he will not do the heavy lifting and do this on her terms. I hope she gets out.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

LostWifey said:


> I don't need this sh!t from strangers. C-ya.


I'll wager a guess she doesn't like the advice she gets from people who know her well.

I am not justifying the husband's actions but I'm getting the strong feeling that I understand why he gave up on the relationship.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)




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## LostWifey (Nov 3, 2016)

Manchester said:


> I'll wager a guess she doesn't like the advice she gets from people who know her well.
> 
> I am not justifying the husband's actions but I'm getting the strong feeling that I understand why he gave up on the relationship.


Real nice. Not justifying?? You just said you understand why he gave up on me?? Seriously?? YOU DON'T KNOW SH!T ABOUT ME. And if he gave up, then why did he want to come back so bad? Wait, don't answer that, because I'm sure it will be some smart a$$ comment about me again! You people are AWFUL! 

Way to go! Give yourselves some high fives and pats on the back. You succeeded in causing the drama you love so much and driving away a BS instead of actually being nice and helpful. Continue on with your snide comments that you all love so much. Have at it.

Don't worry - I WON'T be back.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I would like to think that she was banned for calling fellow posters '*******s'. But, that doesn't seem to be the reason. For some reason, this isn't the first poster to call fellow members en masse names and get away with it. However; when it's one on one there is a banning. Don't understand. 

Either name calling is allowed or it isn't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> I would like to think that she was banned for calling fellow posters '*******s'. But, that doesn't seem to be the reason. For some reason, this isn't the first poster to call fellow members en masse names and get away with it. However; when it's one on one there is a banning. Don't understand.
> 
> Either name calling is allowed or it isn't.


The name calling was part of the reason she was banned.

Her other accounts were the other part of it.


Plus... I tried to delete some of the offending posts and the system is not letting me delete some posts... very weird.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I've not read the latest updates, so I'm replying solely to the question put forth in the title of the thread...

If you're going to have an actual, proper reconciliation, then _he needs to answer any and every question that you ask of him._ Additionally, _he should be answering your questions *w/o requiring MC to do it.*_

PERIOD.

Him not wanting to discuss anything, or answer any of your questions, or whatever outside of MC smacks of one thing -- he's convinced that the MC will urge you to "let it go" or "not to dwell on little things" or otherwise attempt to bury or shut down important conversation.

Now... having said that, I'd now like to address what seems to be a recurring theme in each of your threads...

Your problem is that you're so attached to the outcome that you want (an actual, proper reconciliation w/ a remorseful FORMERLY wayward husband) that you can't see his lies, his hemming and hawing, his reticence, his disingenuousness, and his overly (and _overtly_) demonstrative emo bullsh*t exactly for what it is...

Bullsh*t.

Let go of the outcome, start your climb to 50,000 feet, stop listening to what he's SAYING (and instead watch what he's DOING), and make decisions based on the merit of the decisions themselves instead of the outcome that you so desperately want.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The name calling was part of the reason she was banned.
> 
> *Her other accounts were the other part of it.*
> 
> Plus... I tried to delete some of the offending posts and the system is not letting me delete some posts... very weird.


Well damn. Wish I'd read that first.

Weirdo?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The name calling was part of the reason she was banned.
> 
> Her other accounts were the other part of it.
> 
> Plus... I tried to delete some of the offending posts and the system is not letting me delete some posts... very weird.


Know what's really messed up?

Either she found screenshots that would suit her needs (for her other thread) or she went to the trouble of having someone help her generate the text message conversations.

Or she had a second iPhone (or some other iMessage-capable device) and did it herself.

Either way... weird.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Well damn. Wish I'd read that first.
> 
> Weirdo?


Not Weirdo


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LostWifey said:


> Doing what? Giving my marriage a chance at a future? When we are together now, other than the fights that arise out of the affair talk, it is good. We get along, are affectionate, sex is great, talk and plan for the future, raise our kids, etc. MC is helping with our issues moving forward. This is his last chance. I am on a much higher alert now, and if he EVER does so much as talk to another woman too much then it's over FOR GOOD. This is is last chance. I certainly don't bend over to kiss his ass. I just don't talk about the affair with him because I don't need another fight. Otherwise, we are fine.


YOu ask for advise but you have already made a choice to accept the current status quo. Your choices appears to be:

1. accept the current status quo where you WH does not appear to be fully remorseful (if he did he would not get angry when you bring up the affair and would do everything to help you heal). In fact what is happening is a form of rug sweeping, his attitude is'don't bring this up or else I will leave you and the kids" From an outsider looking in that is not reconciliation, he will probably cheat again if the opportunity arises.

2. Confront him head on and thrash it out regardless of the outcome. Do you want to be with a man whom you have to monitor for the rest of you life?

The decision is entirely up to you.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

You are married to a man who is not willing to do what you need to heal. You are rugsweeping. Big time. 
What would you say to your daughter if she was in this situation? 
You should be able to talk about the affair at any time. He is manipulating you bu threatening to leave with his paycheck. Ask yourself why you want to be with someone like this.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

aine said:


> YOu ask for advise but you have already made a choice to accept the current status quo. Your choices appears to be:
> 
> 1. accept the current status quo where you WH does not appear to be fully remorseful (if he did he would not get angry when you bring up the affair and would do everything to help you heal). In fact what is happening is a form of rug sweeping, his attitude is'don't bring this up or else I will leave you and the kids" From an outsider looking in that is not reconciliation, he will probably cheat again if the opportunity arises.
> 
> ...





katies said:


> You are married to a man who is not willing to do what you need to heal. You are rugsweeping. Big time.
> What would you say to your daughter if she was in this situation?
> You should be able to talk about the affair at any time. He is manipulating you bu threatening to leave with his paycheck. Ask yourself why you want to be with someone like this.



OP was banned as a "sock puppet/troll"


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

LostWifey said:


> Ok, so I still have some unanswered questions about my H's affair this summer. I was going through the timeline of things, trying to figure out what I missed and came across some details that I would like clarity on, but my dilemma is that *my H has said he doesn't want to talk about the affair at all outside of MC*. (


I got this far, and that's all I need to hear.

HE DOES NOT GET TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED. What does your MC say about this refusal to talk about what he did??? If it's anything other than telling your husband he'd better smarten the hell up, you need a new MC!!!

It never ceases to amaze me how these cheaters seem to think that what THEY want STILL FVCKING MATTERS.

Tell that a$$ of a husband that if he doesn't want to discuss what he did whenever and wherever YOU want to, that the marriage is OVER.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

kristin2349 said:


> OP was banned as a "sock puppet/troll"


D4mn. Guess I should have read more


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LostWifey said:


> Real nice. Not justifying?? You just said you understand why he gave up on me?? Seriously?? YOU DON'T KNOW SH!T ABOUT ME. And if he gave up, then why did he want to come back so bad? Wait, don't answer that, because I'm sure it will be some smart a$$ comment about me again! You people are AWFUL!
> 
> Way to go! Give yourselves some high fives and pats on the back. You succeeded in causing the drama you love so much and driving away a BS instead of actually being nice and helpful. Continue on with your snide comments that you all love so much. Have at it.
> 
> Don't worry - I WON'T be back.


I hope you do come back, even if it is to just look and not say anything. You are filled with so much rage and anger, which is understandable considering what you have been through and still going through but please don't take it out on the TAMMERs here, usually we are all a helpful bunch. However, sometimes a BS is blinded to their own circumstances and need a wake up call. It seems like you are unwilling to let go of your awful WH.
At least take some of the advice from here

1. get a lawyer and see what your options are
2. do the 180 on your WH
3. start to detach emotionally and do things for yourself, join a group, a club, etc 
4. go to IC to help you through this
5. Tell your family and friends and ask for their support as you make plans for the future
6. Your WH is nor remorseful and will not help you heal, tell him you are planning to move on and will not consider any reconciliation unless he comes clean and goes to MC. If not then you proceed. Do not threaten show him you mean action


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