# Affair saved my marriage?



## Kaz111 (9 mo ago)

Hi all,

So a little inside of our relationships

together for 6years/ married for 2,5years with a 1 year old. We always had a great relationship until I got depressed. 6 months after I got pregnant (extreme morning sickness) then the newborn stage. PND. So our relationship has been bad for 2,5-3 years. I felt like I stopped loving my husband the way I did. I kept imaging my life with my ex, hoped to bump into him. Past year was bad.Me and my husband hardly spoke, had nothing in common and sex was dreadful. I hated it so I tried to avoid at any costs. (I like hardcore sex, the passion, aggression etc, myhusband never knew that side of me) I was too embarrassed. But over time I feel like the fact we weren’t havninf sex or at least decent sex turned me into a nasty piece of work: I use to tel my husband go **** off, go ahead cheat on me -I wodunt care less, I don’t love you etc etc.
He is an attractive business man, last week he came back from business and he said (we are over, I met someone , want to be with her, and we are both unhappy) that moment have changed my life. I felt like I lost my whole life and it showed me how much I love him and how much I need to fight to get him back! After few very messy days and him being very brutal and playing mind games such as: I love you but I’m unhappy I see my future with her, or I telling me he doesn’t regret meeting her, we decided to work through things. We had the best make up sex (whole week of sex like 6 times a day before we had horrible sex every few months ) and we opened up like never before had deep conversation and real intrest in one another . We became best friends again we relaised what we nearly missed. I asked him do you have feeling for her now? (They met in Norway 4 times - slept twice / knew each other and been in touch for 5 weeks) and he said no, I talked myslef into it and into her as I knew you would never forgive me and I coudnt not be with her, as I did what I did. Plus she listened, appreciated me, something you didn’t do.

we decided to start couple therapy next week, and go on anti-depressants he has opened up about his depression to me and I opened up about my sex disire (which he absolutely loves) so I feel like we have mega strong foundation to make it work as we are both determined!

I didn’t make him cheat but I have pushed him to someone else’s arm so obviously and I knew this will happen sooner or later I just didn’t want to change as I thought I wodunt care? 
I knew he was trying to save this marriage for months but I took him for granted. And something just unlocked in me, I fallen in love again. I can’t see my life without him. He seems very happy. We laugh, have amazinf sex and he says he will win be back, but… I cry all the time I grieve I am in so much pain I don’t know when and how will I accept what has happened? I forgave him already, I did. But Jesus I can’t forget or accept. I compare myslef to every woman (and I am attractive person I know it) but now I have lost all my confidence. I cry in shops, home, watching tv or in the shower.

Is this normal? Will this get better?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

We reap what we sow? You had an emotional affair, he, physical. You’ll both have to deal with the lack of trust and feelings of inadequacy. Glad you’re in counseling. I wouldn’t spend time rationalizing the idea that an affair saved your marriage though. You need to set up boundaries and have regular check-ups about where things are, your goals, how you’re going to get through the next year, where you want to be 1, 5, 10 years down the road.

Many of us have recurring insecurities. We strive to move away from an anxious connection with our spouse to a secure one. Security will ease the mind games. But you can’t unrighteousness the bell.

Just curious,did you ever cheat on your ex? Why did you split?


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Your emotional roller coaster is very normal. This situation is still very fresh. I think you have every reason to feel confident in yourself. By what you wrote, he did not cheat based on looks. I am not saying this to justify the cheating in any way, but after all your marriage troubles he still wants to be with you first and foremost. He sees and knows your value. That should help your confidence level. The cheating still should not have happened. It will take time to accept and you may never forget it completely, but its power over you will diminish greatly. Honesty, time and therapy will all help you get to a better place emotionally.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

So you suddenly realized that your attractive business man husband was going to dump you for not talking to him, intentionally avoiding sex for three years, and that your financially secure lifestyle was about to take a drastic hit.... so you do a pick me dance and throw yourself at him for hysterical bonding.

He shouldn't have cheated, that was wrong of him (what did he actually do?)

You shouldn't have accepted his cheating so easily.

You should also realize that you changed your tune because you were afraid of losing what he provides... you surely didn't treat him like you loved him for the past few years. It will be important to understand your motivations for your actions, both before and after his affair.

Over a short amount of time, both of you are going to realize all this and you will fall back into how you've been acting for the past few years.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You have to stop saying this affair saved your marriage. It didn't. It did wake you up & now you are working toward saving your marriage but your hurt at his infidelity is holding you back. Only you know whether you will ever fully forgive him but if you don't, your marriage is over. It's your choice at this point.


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## Kaz111 (9 mo ago)

Kaz111 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> So a little inside of our relationships
> 
> ...





re16 said:


> So you suddenly realized that your attractive business man husband was going to dump you for not talking to him, intentionally avoiding sex for three years, and that your financially secure lifestyle was about to take a drastic hit.... so you do a pick me dance and throw yourself at him for hysterical bonding.
> 
> He shouldn't have cheated, that was wrong of him (what did he actually do?)
> 
> ...


I would of have a lot more money for the child support he would have to pay than now so that’s nothing to do with my lifestyle. I would have a lot more money if we would split.
We relaised how much we love each other as we nearly lost our selfs. Guessing your marriage didn’t work out as your answer is so harsh and negative 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Not at all unusual in the ecosystem of infidelity.
If you can recover trust and respect, odds of a reconciliation, recovery, and improvement are actually high.

Without those things? You're wasting one another's time.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

What happened with the other woman? How did he end the affair? He cut all contact?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I've heard it said that you don't appreciate what you have until you lose it, or in your case, about to lose it. Congratulations to the two of you for turning things around. Continue to treat each other with love and respect and you will never go back to that dark world that you were in.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Kaz111 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> So a little inside of our relationships
> 
> ...


@Kaz111 That is a tragic story, I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

In one sense I’m smh wondering ”what he h were you thinking” pushing him away like that, but people do those kinds of things.

In another sense we are here now and you’ve got an emotional mess to deal with.
He shouldn’t have cheated, that is 100% right. And I would agree that fantasizing about your ex is also emotional cheating since you were taking it so far and pushing hubby away. Did you connect with the ex other than in your fantasy?

Curious, would you have woken up if your husband had divorced you first, instead of cheating? Or was it more the cheating part that caused you to wake up?

Reconciling with a cheater is no small matter, even under the best of circumstances (which I think you have).
Openness, honesty, transparency and over-communication should be you & hubby’s new love languages. Besides that, you are in the driver seat to decide if you can live with this or not. Just because you forgave does not mean you must reconcile and stay together.

And maybe in the future…be careful what you wish for?
Best of luck to you OP


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Is it normal, who is to say, every one and every relationship is different. What matters most is that both of you saw that life without each other was worse than repairing what you have. Sometimes we have to be at the precipices of the end to gain clarity of what is real, of what we want and what we can lose. Each you engaged in hysterical bonding when that happen, and while normal during a crisis is not sustainable. because sadly real life comes back into play and doubt and mistrust can follow soon after. what you both need to do is work every day on your relationship...not the relationship as parents, or home owners, but as two people who came together to be one....neither one of you can pull this off on your own, you both need to rebuild from the ground up.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Call me skeptical, but he went from wanting to leave you to be with the other woman back to madly in love with you and forgetting all about her in 1 week's time?

It sounds a bit like hysterical bonding and given the short amount of time you haven't really dealt with the betrayal. Getting counseling is definitely a good idea. You are only sitting on the tip of the iceberg and may not fully appreciate the whole magnitude of this infidelity.

Worth a quick read:









Hysterical Bonding: What It Means and Why It Happens


Realizing your partner has been unfaithful can bring up a range of emotions and urges, including some pretty unexpected ones.




www.healthline.com


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kaz111 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> So a little inside of our relationships
> 
> ...


Look up stockholm syndrome, delusion is powerful drug.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I wonder does the other woman even exist.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Call me skeptical, but he went from wanting to leave you to be with the other woman back to madly in love with you and forgetting all about her in 1 week's time?
> 
> It sounds a bit like hysterical bonding and given the short amount of time you haven't really dealt with the betrayal. Getting counseling is definitely a good idea. You are only sitting on the tip of the iceberg and may not fully appreciate the whole magnitude of this infidelity.
> 
> ...


This. I posted a few questions earlier in the thread asking if her husband has cut contact and how did this end? I’m all for reconciling but he was talking about a future with another woman whom he barely knew to being fully committed to his marriage in a short amount of time. 

An affair really doesn’t save relationships but it could wake someone up to the idea of losing their spouse, that same spouse they took for granted.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Kaz111 I'm pleased things are working out for you both.

I'd suggest individual counselling for you both and couple's counselling. My best wishes to you and your family.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"Sex was dreadful"

"I kept imagining my life with my ex"

"I like hardcore sex" + "my husband never knew that side of me"

Wonder what's going to happen when you and your husband fall back into a familiar routine?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hysterical bonding usually has a relatively short shelf life.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Hysterical bonding usually has a relatively short shelf life.


It's like Stockholm Syndrome. "It's actually good for me that my husband is unfaithful, and letting him be unfaithful makes me a better wife." It's so sad what we will believe when we're heartbroken and afraid.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You told him to F off, didn’t have sex with him for 3 years, and TOLD him you didn’t care if he cheated. Why are you so jacked out of shape that he did? That seems illogical. 

Seems you should be glad he’s still around. I mean, you not only told him to F off, your entire life with him for 3 years told him as well.

One of the few cases I’ve read about where a cheater has real mitigating circumstances.

There’s not much you can do at this point other than stop trying in your head to put the genie back in the bottle. You’ve got a sorry cheater and he has a bride that treated him like the plague for three years. Both of you got a raw deal.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You had some unusual dynamics, and this got you into therapy, sounds like, so best of luck with all of that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Just an outside point of view.

Your husband didn’t cheat on you, you opened the relationship up when you told him to find someone else the have sex with. Not those exact words. You told him to go and cheat, that you didn’t care if he did.

Don’t blame him for you sabotaging the relationship in that way. He was leaving you and found someone else because you told him to.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Kaz111 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> So a little inside of our relationships
> 
> ...


A week after the “affair”?? Nah. Your divorce has been delayed by the hysterical bonding. Nothings been saved. 

If you’re happily married to this man in 2 years then come back with this thread title. Neither one of you should have already forgiven the other in the last week for your equally terrible behaviors. Hope you have an amazing MC.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

_I kept imaging my life with my ex, hoped to bump into him. _Doesn't sound like you were invested in the marriage. Your husband was your safety net, not your first choice.

_*I use to tel my husband go **** off, go ahead cheat on me -I wodunt care less, I don’t love you etc etc. *_
You don't have much to complain about he did as you asked.

_I knew he was trying to save this marriage for months but I took him for granted. _You can never please the foolish or the ungrateful.

_ I have pushed him to someone else’s arm so obviously and I knew this will happen sooner or later I just didn’t want to change as I thought I wouldnt care? _You only want your husband because someone else wants him. Do you know what you will do if you get your husband back? You will push him away again. Why not break the circle and let your husband go on good if not friendly terms as you have a child together.


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