# How would you define "vanilla" sex?



## jld

I see this term bandied about, and I think everyone has their own definition. What is yours?

I would like to limit this to the ladies, please. 

No judgment, please. It's basically an open mike.


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## Holland

Never heard the term till coming to TAM but will have a guess:

vanilla sex would be no variety in positions, same routine most of the time. Boring sex, duty sex, passionless sex.


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## skype

Missionary position lasting 5 minutes or less. No foreplay. No oral. No teasing. No awareness of how to reach the deepest part of your spouse's desires and make him/her feel alive and known.


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## SimplyAmorous

I don't look upon the term *vanilla* the same as many others.. and I agree with Holland...most associate the term in this light...as being* >>* "*Boring sex, duty sex, passionless sex*"...meaning "take it or leave it"







..


We never felt THAT way....YET...for 19 yrs of our marriage, we only did 2 positions...missionary & cowgirl....he kept trying to go down on me..but I wasn't all that comfortable...

So how can I not say we weren't vanilla -in this respect...we surely wasn't hanging from the chandeliers !

I was somewhat "repressed"..too much "good girl" thinking going on in my head...I associated things like doggie, BJ's....with porn & prostitutes..."dirty sex"....which should have never been...I much regret this mindset looking back. 

But yet...how can I say....we were both very happily "vanilla"... in this regard...I never felt I was missing anything!# ...Always felt lost in each other..foreplay was heaven, wanted it to go on forever....it was intoxicating...he better not have stopped, I'd probably beat him up! It wasn't something I would take or leave... more like the experience (and every time )...it lifted me on the tallest mountain emotionally and physically... and we always had those







together.....

We added some new positions in mid life... one we like almost as much as those 2 ....and another is a treat sometimes if I get mine before him....finally..... we're less vanilla !!


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## Holland

Yes I hear what you are saying about not using so many positions SA, now I think about it further it is more about passion.

If Mr H and I could only ever do missionary, the passion we share would be enough to make the experience amazing regardless. Love your posts


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## SimplyAmorous

Holland said:


> *Yes I hear what you are saying about not using so many positions SA, now I think about it further it is more about passion.
> 
> If Mr H and I could only ever do missionary, the passion we share would be enough to make the experience amazing regardless. Love your posts*


I have often wondered -in the last 5 yrs what in the world was wrong with me/him that neither of us ever cared.. the more I read here about how sex looses it's flavor (so to speak) for many....they have done, positioned, role played, tied up & toyed up a storm....looking for new spice to recapture something.......the clearer the picture became to me... what we had all along (deeply passionate - wrapped in the emotional )....he the romantic sensual lover ....this fulfilled me.....I had want of nothing more I guess..

Even if we were quiet, lights out...under the sheets, 2 positioned...I mean others would think >> "MY God, is that all you did [email protected]#$% ....but there was heated magic there.... 

What we had then might have been ever more passionate than some of the stuff we do now, I think because we wasn't having as much sex - so when we got to it, we were hungry.....It always seemed to go too fast ...it just couldn't be contained.....why I wasn't jumping to repeat this every day ..another "what was wrong with me?".... 

I've never been one to handle boredom very well... I have a hard time even playing board games with my kids... I start yawning... I want to throw myself on the floor and whine..."I can't take it anymore!"...(and I've done this, by the way).. such a sorry sport to entertain my children... 

I've just never looked at sex in this light...not even close. So I do believe Vanilla can be very passionate.... depending on the couple.. if they are both the "Sensual lover" types...

If one is an *Erotic* though, they are going to want more Wild, and lots of variety!


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## heartsbeating

When it includes vanilla ice-cream.


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## 12345Person

If there is no passion then it's vanilla, regardless of what you're doing.


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## SimplyAmorous

*Urban Dictionary* on "*Vanilla Sex*"....

*1.* Sex that involves no twists or kinkiness, and no S&M. Basically plain regular sex. Typically sweet and happy and very lovey-dovey . Yep, that last line was US!

*2. *A description of what a culture regards as standard or conventional sexual practice. Often, it is interpreted as sex which does not involve elements such as, BDSM, kink, or fetish activities. Usually defined as boring, plain sex. But, a vanilla lover would regard it as making-love, passionate sex. Again... last line...my husband all the way... a making love man...very passionate in that. 

*3.* Normal, standard sex versus "wordkinkyword" or adventurus sex. Like comparing Missonary(vanilla) to doggy style(kinky).. ...Who wanted to try Doggy out of the 2 of us... Me .

*4.* Sexual Intercourse usually defined by the missionary style. 
Nothing by definition is abnormal. No Pain. No Kinkyness. Just Love. Most socially acceptable form of intercourse. 

Having done 19 yrs a couple flavors...it was like opening a new window to our lives...raising the kinkiness bar...that was a whole lotta FUN....


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## Jellybeans

Doing the same thing everything; no emotional connection; boring


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## Lyris

I've always heard it defined as sex with no, or very little, kinkiness. Straight PIV, maybe some oral.

I don't think it has anything to do with duty sex, or lack of connection.


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## TiggyBlue

I've always heard of it as very routine, one or two position sex with no experimenting.


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## somethingelse

I agree with everyone in this thread. I think vanilla sex is the boring, no creativity type of sex. One or two positions, not as much passion. Mostly for duty rather than making it MORE.


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## kittiebee

I spent 12 years in a relationship where I had such shockingly boring sex... oh gosh you would rather floss you teeth it was so dull.

is that vanilla sex...

Not in my opinon... I think that was boring sex... 

i think vanilla sex with a man you love is sometimes nice  especially when both feeling lazy, hungover, tried, sick, its kind of just happening, because you both feel it despite how crap you feel.. its a bit "dull" in comparison to the sexy nights you have had, there are not necessarily flags flying, or fireworks going off (although my OH seems to be a master in this...) but ultimately you get a connection...me and my OH were both unwell the other day, full of cold and it was vanilla... it wasn't swinging from chandeliers but it was loving and great, very vanilla x


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## omgitselaine

Oppppssss i guess i said the wrong thing with my post being deleted hmm ?!?!?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## WyshIknew

omgitselaine said:


> Oppppssss i guess i said the wrong thing with my post being deleted hmm ?!?!?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


That doesn't surprise me.:rofl:


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## Lyris

You know, I've just looked up the OP's other threads. The titles read like a journalist doing research.

Why are you on TAM, jld? Do you have actual relationship problems? Because it's unethical to be using the site for sociological research and not disclosing that fact.


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## jld

No, not doing research. Just here learning.


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## Lyris

Okay well if you're really here to learn, here's some information.

It's poor forum etiquette to post general questions without giving your own opinion and experience. It's also bad manners to try to control who replies, and how they do so, as you have done here and in the thread on the same topic in the Men's Clubhouse. You're not a forum moderator. People are free to post wherever they choose.


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## heartsbeating

omgitselaine said:


> Oppppssss i guess i said the wrong thing with my post being deleted hmm ?!?!?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I see your post on the other thread in the Clubhouse... you little rule-breaker, you.


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## jld

Okay, thanks, Lyris. 

At first I was going to post just one unisex question on the SIM board, but then I was not sure if it fit the rules there. So then I thought I would post two threads, one each on the ladies and men's board. I thought maybe some people would be put off by the question, and would maybe feel more comfortable if they could just give their opinion, without judgment or debate. The idea was for people to feel comfortable with a question that may have seemed too personal. I thought maybe if there were two different threads, it would just seem less threatening to answer.

I really was not sure what exactly was meant by vanilla sex, as it seemed to mean different things to different people on other threads. So I asked the question.

Apologies to anyone who was offended.


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## Anon Pink

Lyris said:


> You know, I've just looked up the OP's other threads. The titles read like a journalist doing research.
> 
> Why are you on TAM, jld? Do you have actual relationship problems? Because it's unethical to be using the site for sociological research and not disclosing that fact.


Really? That's not at all what I get. Have you actually read any of her threads and posts? Because I have, and I think your post is mean. Spend some time getting to know her before you jump on the judgment wagon!


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## Anon Pink

heartsbeating said:


> I see your post on the other thread in the Clubhouse... you little rule-breaker, you.


Oh what did she say? I missed it! I love breaking rules... Just hate getting caught!


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## Anon Pink

Vanilla, for me is kinda boring and very predictable, follows a pattern that while it may work, it just gets ...boring. Consequently it stops working!


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## Lyris

What judgement wagon? What does that even mean? 

I made an observation based on post history. And I don't think it's possible to get to know someone, as you helpfully recommend, over a few weeks on a message board. Anyone can say anything, as we've seen time and time again here. 

If jld is sincere, then now she knows more about how to structure her posts to avoid triggering suspicion and irritating people. If she's not, then it doesn't matter does it.


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## jld

Thank you, Caroline. That was thoughtful, and I certainly accept your apology. I am sure it can get tricky online, knowing who is sincere and who is not.

I have to say, though, dh got quite a laugh last night hearing that some people thought I am not real.  He knows how real I am, and has to deal with it everyday!

And thank you for your sentiments regarding our son, and very best wishes to the child you know.


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## ScarletBegonias

I have to admit jld,I was kinda skeptical too when you started popping up all over the place with interview type questions but no details about why you were asking or anything about your story. I think it's natural for the regulars to feel that way sometimes bc we get so many people here trying to do research or using the site for creative writing stories. It sucks and I hate being suspicious LOL


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## jld

Thanks for explaining that, SB. I wouldn't have known that if you hadn't told me.

I am fascinated by the honesty on here, and I hope I am contributing to it, too. Honestly, I feel absolutely convicted by some of what I read, and I think being here 6 weeks has done more for me than months of counseling.

And thanks again for being open and honest with me. That's how we can learn and grow.

ETA: Also, SB, my story is over on LTS: Husband Key to LTR?


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## ScarletBegonias

jld said:


> Thanks for explaining that, SB. I wouldn't have known that if you hadn't told me.
> 
> I am fascinated by the honesty on here, and I hope I am contributing to it, too. Honestly, I feel absolutely convicted by some of what I read, and I think being here 6 weeks has done more for me than months of counseling.
> 
> And thanks again for being open and honest with me. That's how we can learn and grow.
> 
> ETA: Also, SB, my story is over on LTS: Husband Key to LTR?


:smthumbup: Thanks for not taking offense and for directing me to your story


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## jld

Thanks for telling me your thoughts in a kind way.


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## gettingout

More people on TAM should read Dan Savage:
Savage Love by Dan Savage - Seattle Columns - Savage Love - Dan Savage - The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper
If you download the app, I think he has a whole category devoted to vanilla sex.


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## CuddleBug

To me, a hubby, vanilla sex is as follows.


The same minimal positions over and over again, predictable and nothing else........SNOOOOOR

Ideally, try a different position and technique every time and adventurous sex. So one time could be surprise quickie in the shower before work. Another time could be during the middle of the night, waking up to sex. Another time could be making food in the kitchen. Another time, could have a foot job, while wife uses a vib on her and watches. Another time could be 69 and you're on top. Another time could be you wake up, tied to the bed and she is giving you oral. Another time could be, instead of doggie, she suddenly tries anal.

Spicing it up, not predictable, not same old, etc.


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## AliceA

Vanilla sex = missionary position, for me

Before even starting to have a sex life, this is the impressions I had of sex, that missionary was a 'go to' position and anything else was an improvement upon it. Personally I don't mind it, but as with everything, too much of the same thing and it gets boring.


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## Stonewall

Lack of being adventurous.


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## ClimbingTheWalls

To me vanilla sex would generally be missionary position in the bedroom, loving (or boring), with foreplay being kissing, breast fondling or sucking, maybe some oral. To me vanilla sex is not necessarily bad sex, though it can be. Non-vanilla could be all of what I have just said but with the addition of dirty talk, or the odd butt-slap, or he has ripped my underwear off, or we're in the car. Or it could be a full-on bondage session (but it doesn't have to be to qualify as non-vanilla.)


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## I Notice The Details

missionary position for sure....


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## Microwavelove

I think it's hard to define. I think it's fun to be adventurous, but some of my most passionate, memorable moments have been in pretty "vanilla" scenarios. I think it's possible to have all the whips and chains and candle wax without the intimacy and have a really passionate amazing experience in the missionary position.


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## Sudra

I view vanilla sex as non-kinky sex. So it can still be erotic and exciting but no whips, chains, spanking, ropes, etc.


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