# Asserted Self Respect, So Why Don't I Feel Better?



## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Hi. So much drama in my life. My ex was having an EA that turned to PA with a 21 year old girl (he's 40), and he filed for divorce about 2 weeks after he informed me for the first time he wanted to separate. Ok, so fast forward to 4 months later. Two months ago he wanted to try to reconcile, which I was all for since it was never my intention or want to be divorced. So all is peachy until about a week ago when he started getting more distant. He had said he broke it off with the girl, and I believed it. Yesterday I saw him driving with her in his car. Today he comes clean and says he has been hanging out with her. So I tell him I'm not going to be second fiddle and he had better make up his mind. He says he still loves me. Later I wrote an e-mail saying that I was fooled twice and I was done, and if or until he wanted to do couples counseling and get rid of her we were done, too. 

Seeing it all in black and white makes me feel even worse. I should just tell the sorry jerk I'm done. Period. Why can't I????


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Aaand.....all I hear is the sound of crickets chirping. Doesn't anyone have any ideas, advice, support, ridicule, anything????


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I hope you stick to your guns.

get rid of him, if he really loved you he would have put you and your marriage first.

Absolutely let him go and be with her. Tell him you feel that they are both as bad as each other and belong together. Her actions show her true character and his actions speak volumes about how he is now a man that is not worthy of you.

If you want him back (I don't know why you would) Tell him that he would have to go to counseling IC and MC and break all contact, meaning send a NC letter to her, and get a new phone number, be completely transparent in all of his actions for however long it takes and does everything you need him to do to build trust. even then you are not sure if you can forgive him, and it could take years if ever. But I'm sure if he loves you you are worth the effort and risk.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, tell him you wish him well and all the happiness with his girl friend.

She's 21. She'll be over his old butt in a month or less.


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## wishingformore (Aug 18, 2011)

You can't tell him your done because you love him. You know the man he can be. I think you have done the right thing by giving him the choice....now its up to him. We can't control what our partners do or don't do. From here on out its up to him. I wish I had your strength and courage. It may work and it may not but you did the right thing. Stand strong WS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Because this is the hardest thing in the world to go through. 
The pain is immense. You are being so brave and strong. You will get through this. 

Hugs x


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Thanks for responding. I knew someone was out there  I did tell him to be with her if that would make him happy and that I was letting him go. Now to stick to it.....letting go is a good step. But now I need to accept it.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I can so relate to where you are. It was difficult for me to stand up for what I knew was important, to stand up for my own self respect instead of caring about his feelings. Every time you start to weaken, try to shut off your thoughts and feelings and just say not going there. It gets easier and easier every one more time you make it through those vulnerable weak moments. You've been treated unfairly and it's your time now to stand up for yourself and expect respect. You are not asking for anything unfair. You can do it.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Thanks for the support. It doesn't feel like I've asked for anything that's unfair, but I feel like I've officially ended it, and that's scary, if that makes any sense. I have to be strong. I have two daughters who need to see that a woman is worth better treatment than their father has been giving their mother.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

imo you are right to set the best example for your daughters. Scary, yes, but what are the alternatives

wish you all the strength you need


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I need all the prayers, etc. I can get if you all can spare them  Feeling pretty alone in the world.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Hi does anyone have any advice? My ex is playing games and it is driving me crazy. Yesterday he said he would seriously consider counseling and that he loves me. Then he ignores me all day today and finally when I see him he tells me he is conflicted and his logical side says he should move on, but he still has feelings for me. ARGH. Is he trying to make me hate him? What is he doing??? I ended up breaking down and crying. Help!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

My husband does that too, one day, he would ask me out, the next day he will tell me he's wary of asking me for fear that I will misconstrue it as reconciliation.
These men are weak, we need to get it in our heads that this is not who we want to be with.
Unless we see true and genuine change, let's not waste anymore moment dwelling on what these sorry excuse for human beings are thinking.
I just had several "slaps" from the members of this forum, and it's exactly what I need to get me out of my funk.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I need several slaps about the head, myself. Sigh. I know I'm better off without him in my life. But it's so hard. I don't understand why he won't try. I guess it's just too hard for him. Which means marriage is too hard for him, too. Not my fault or problem. Now if I could just get my heart in gear with my head, it would be good.


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## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

WS, I think there are a lot of us out here in the same boat. One that feels like its sinking half the time. Everyone I talk to says the same things. We all "know whats best" just as our husbands "know" the right thing to do. But for me it was similiar to your situation. I finally sat at home crying thinking "why am I letting him do this to me" and at that point I made the decision to leave and file. I needed to respect myself and love myself, he wasn't going to do it for me. 

I had a really bad night last night, so I know that its not going to be as easy as waking up the next day and feeling like we know we did what was right. It is scary, these men were our lives. And we just have to remember that it wasn't us who made the decisions to ruin our marriages. 

I hear from all my divorced friends that it is different for everyone, but mostly after 1 year since divorce they feel so much better. We are all in the thick of is right now, and its hard to see through the fog. But keep doing what your doing and each day will get better.

Its good to grive and let out all the hurt, but don't let him control you further by beleiving his bull****. Once he see's that you are mvoing on with your life, he may even come on harder to you making you question yourself more, but be strong.


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

I am in a very similar situation. My husband 37, is dating a 21 year old. We have 4 children and he even introduced them to her, as a friend...but still. I don't get it. My husband also plays the games with me...telling me he still loves me and still pictures growing old with me and says she means nothing to him, he is just having fun and she is easy. I finally told him I was tired of it, I didn't trust him any more and the lies and games he has been playing have made me lose respect for him as a man and I was moving on. We have barely exchanged two words in the last week, and I can see that it is killing him. I still love my husband and still hope that we will eventually get through this, but I have given up enough of my pride and refuse to do it anymore. It will be a very long road for us if we do decide to reconcile. I have contacted a lawyer and have taken the first steps for a legal separation. My children and I deserve more than what he is willing to give us right now. And so do you and your children! I still wonder why? and still feel humiliated about the whole situation but I know I shouldn't feel that way and neither should you...they are the ones that look like a fool!!!


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