# Question for women from married guy to help wife



## Acesup (Apr 3, 2021)

Hello. I have kind of an unusual technical question for women from a happily married guy to help me be better fit my wife. My wife is the only woman I’ve ever met who doesn’t like receiving oral, absolutely won’t let me go down on her ever and has never been into it her whole life. She’s also not really into foreplay, kissing, fingers, toys, doesn’t really fantasize, doesn’t like toys. Basically all she is comfortable with doing is good old fashioned intercourse. She’s working on her lack of sex drive and intimacy issues and her fear and uncomfortableness with all things sexual and I respect it’ll take time. But in the meantime it’s really hard to give her orgasms if I can’t do much to warm her up and it’s all about stick it in and get it over with for her. I don’t want to be unsatisfying for her so I’m curious to learn one if this is common among women cause I’ve never ever encountered another woman who doesn’t like receiving oral and two if any women have any tips to increase my odds of giving her orgasms if all I have to work with is penetration and intercourses. I respect her limits but still want to make it as good as I can for her within those restrictions. Any help appreciated.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Acesup said:


> She’s working on her lack of sex drive and intimacy issues and her fear and uncomfortableness with all things sexual and I respect it’ll take time. But in the meantime it’s really hard to give her orgasms if I can’t do much to warm her up and it’s all about stick it in and get it over with for her. I don’t want to be unsatisfying for her


To me it sounds like you are the one that is unsatisfied and frustrated and that she is the one that is the dud in bed and making it lifeless and frustrating for you. 

What exactly is it she is doing to "work" on her issues???


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As a woman I think receiving oral requires a level of vulnerability that some women aren't comfortable with. It might be possible to ease her into it if you start small.

Discomfort with kissing is indicative of vulnerability issues so that where I would start. Do you kiss her when sex isn't on the table? Do you hug her and stroke her hair? Is there any reason she wouldn't feel safe with you?

Also, how old are you guys? Sometimes younger women have hang ups that older women don't have. I know that 46 year old me is far more open then 26 year old me was.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Acesup said:


> any tips to increase my odds of giving her orgasms if all I have to work with is penetration and intercourses. I respect her limits but still want to make it as good as I can for her within those restrictions.


The 'restrictions' you are being given is essentially no lovemaking, no pleasure and for all practical purposes, no actual sexual expression and activity. She is basically using the loophole that if she allows you to masturbate with her vagina and stick your junk in it that it can technically be referred to as sex....

.... it just isn't actual love making or good sex. It's just an excuse and loophole to say she isn't denying sex in the marriage.

Since you have been with other people who were clearly better lovers and more attracted to you, why did you pick this one to put a ring on it?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Acesup said:


> Hello. I have kind of an unusual technical question for women from a happily married guy to help me be better fit my wife. My wife is the only woman I’ve ever met who doesn’t like receiving oral, absolutely won’t let me go down on her ever and has never been into it her whole life. She’s also not really into foreplay, kissing, fingers, toys, doesn’t really fantasize, doesn’t like toys. Basically all she is comfortable with doing is good old fashioned intercourse. She’s working on her lack of sex drive and intimacy issues and her fear and uncomfortableness with all things sexual and I respect it’ll take time. But in the meantime it’s really hard to give her orgasms if I can’t do much to warm her up and it’s all about stick it in and get it over with for her. I don’t want to be unsatisfying for her so I’m curious to learn one if this is common among women cause I’ve never ever encountered another woman who doesn’t like receiving oral and two if any women have any tips to increase my odds of giving her orgasms if all I have to work with is penetration and intercourses. I respect her limits but still want to make it as good as I can for her within those restrictions. Any help appreciated.


Okk sorry some of the posts aren't helpful to you.

I commend that you are also trying to work on this. First not all women enjoy oral. Second many men aren't all that good at it. Also most worry about tasting bad or smelling bad and such like that. Some men have cat tongues. She seems to have an aversion. So there are some things to try to decipher first. 

Has she ever been sexually assaulted this can greatly change womens view of sex.

Does she ever orgasm? You say it's hard to give her orgasms but does she? If she does orgasm from PIV she may just not want or need the other stuff.

Do you and her engage in any sexy stuff during the day / week like kissing, touching, talking?

When you kiss her do you always then proceed to try to have sex?

How often do you currently have sex?

You say she is working on it? How is she working on it? Why is she working on it? This usually happens because somebody initiated a conversation. Which if done incorrectly can cause resentment and sex being offered that isn't wanted that can lead to resentment.

Many women have issues with sex because society for a large part has said women who have sex before marriage are sluts. Women who enjoy sex are wanton. Sex is something you 'give' your husband. Don't have sex or you'll get pregnant (which is also bad in this connotation). Then there is the way sex is often portrayed in some videos or movies where the man is making the woman have sex or that they are demeaning the woman. So lots of women have psychological barriers to enjoying sex. Which include being self conscious about the way we look and sex usually means naked so no cute top to hide the muffin top. No push up bra or padded T-shirt bra. No spanks and all the other things that society has told us we need to look good.

That being said. Women often have to get out of their own mind to be able to enjoy sex.

My first thought is asking her if she'd indulge you by wearing a blind fold and placing her hands above her head and letting you ravish her. If she can't see you when you are doing said things to her she may feel more comfortable. She may also relax some because she doesn't have to worry about what should she being doing. 

I don't think I"m much like your girl but maybe. I know I used to worry about not reciprocating enough with my husband. Like if he was using a vibe on me what should I being doing while that was happening. It was very hard to just sit there and enjoy without worrying about it. But I couldn't reach him very well so there wasn't much I could do. Many men also think if they give oral so should the woman. She may not object to oral on her but not want to do oral on you.


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

Acesup said:


> Hello. I have kind of an unusual technical question for women from a happily married guy to help me be better fit my wife. My wife is the only woman I’ve ever met who doesn’t like receiving oral, absolutely won’t let me go down on her ever and has never been into it her whole life. She’s also not really into foreplay, kissing, fingers, toys, doesn’t really fantasize, doesn’t like toys. Basically all she is comfortable with doing is good old fashioned intercourse. She’s working on her lack of sex drive and intimacy issues and her fear and uncomfortableness with all things sexual and I respect it’ll take time. But in the meantime it’s really hard to give her orgasms if I can’t do much to warm her up and it’s all about stick it in and get it over with for her. I don’t want to be unsatisfying for her so I’m curious to learn one if this is common among women cause I’ve never ever encountered another woman who doesn’t like receiving oral and two if any women have any tips to increase my odds of giving her orgasms if all I have to work with is penetration and intercourses. I respect her limits but still want to make it as good as I can for her within those restrictions. Any help appreciated.


Did she grow up in a home where sex was “dirty”? Was she sexually abused? These are definitely things that could be on the table. I’m also curious, as someone pointed out, why you married this one knowing she doesn’t like sex or kissing or really any intimacy? Ask her what she likes or what you can do to help make things pleasurable. It sounds like she truly does not like sex, and I hope you guys are exploring therapy as a way to help with these issues. Right now it likely bothers you more than it does her that she doesn’t orgasm because not pleasuring our partner feels legitimately terrible and deflating. It could take a very long time for her to work out these issues potentially. I won’t say you shouldn’t want sex and intimacy, because those are normal things to want. But right now if it were me I’d focus on intimacy that does not have anything to do with sex when you are looking to please her instead of trying to do new sexual things that are probably overwhelming to her since she doesn’t even like kissing. Romantic dates, hold her hand, compliment her, whatever it is you know she really responds to and likes _right now_. Meet her where she is at right now.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

The OP's wife sounds like my ex wife. She disliked receiving oral and used to say she would get UTIs from it. Went years without doing it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Acesup said:


> She’s working on her lack of sex drive and intimacy issues and her fear and uncomfortableness with all things sexual and I respect it’ll take time. But in the meantime ...


Fear and uncomfortableness with ALL things sexual. Has there been sexual trauma in her life? What do you do in the mean-time... I think that depends on the answer to this question.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Then to answer your question if it’s common among other women to not want to receive oral, will be a mixed-bag response. And what you can do for her will depend on her and the reasons for her limitations.

What is appealing for me is unlikely to be helpful for you and your wife. I love receiving and giving and sharing. I partnered with my spouse when I was 18, and despite being young and inexperienced then, really had no sexual hang-ups or shyness with him. So my world view will not apply to that of your wife.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Even though she wants it only that way - does she orgasm?

Is it satisfactory for you?

I agree, sounds likely there is trauma in her history... can you fill us in on that?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Try taking a shower with her to get her used to touch. Rub lotion on her back as a form of foreplay.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> The OP's wife sounds like my ex wife. She disliked receiving oral and used to say she would get UTIs from it. Went years without doing it.


Might be true. 

Brush your teeth and use high powered mouth wash, prior to muff-diving might help prevent UTI's.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Have her previous partners enjoyed it? I used to LOVE it and still would enjoy it but my enjoyment was impacted a lot by the fact that in LTRs, men tend to slow down or eventually stop giving and it makes you feel self conscious like there's something wrong with you. And then that might impact her ability to enjoy it...


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> Have her previous partners enjoyed it? I used to LOVE it and still would enjoy it but my enjoyment was impacted a lot by the fact that in LTRs, men tend to slow down or eventually stop giving and it makes you feel self conscious like there's something wrong with you. And then that might impact her ability to enjoy it...


Exactly the same the other way round too.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You don’t have a technical problem, or even a strictly sexual problem. You have an existential crisis in your marriage, and you’re asking entirely the wrong questions.

This is not about disinterest in oral, it’s that your wife is not attracted to you and doesn’t desire you sexually. Sorry.

Lack of foreplay, lack of KISSING - dude, she’s just not interested in sexual intimacy with you at all. Question is why and what can you do about it. How much is her and how much is you...(hint, it’s most likely a lot about you).

The good news is that your attractiveness is largely within your control and something you can increase.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Acesup said:


> Any help appreciated.


In my opinion you have to be very careful about understanding who wants an orgasm and why. As the husband it is easy to use the female orgasm for your own male validation and ego boost. If that is the case it becomes too easy to get frustrated. 

It is like saying I got you a gift and I really really need to see you get excited when you get it or else I will be frustrated. If you don't get excited then we will argue until I find out what gift it is that you want. Well then, I guess I'll get a gift for myself and just enjoy it alone! 

Take a moment to wrap your mind around that, as that is how sex kind of works in many situations. Be careful if you feel you need to give your wife an orgasm in order to feel validated in the relationship!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh Lordy!

Why is it that the givers get no satisfaction, and the getters give forth no appreciation?

...................

I feel that she has long-gone-around the learning curve.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Acesup said:


> Hello. I have kind of an unusual technical question for women from a happily married guy to help me be better fit my wife. My wife is the only woman I’ve ever met who doesn’t like receiving oral, absolutely won’t let me go down on her ever and has never been into it her whole life. She’s also not really into foreplay, kissing, fingers, toys, doesn’t really fantasize, doesn’t like toys. Basically all she is comfortable with doing is good old fashioned intercourse. She’s working on her lack of sex drive and intimacy issues and her fear and uncomfortableness with all things sexual and I respect it’ll take time. But in the meantime it’s really hard to give her orgasms if I can’t do much to warm her up and it’s all about stick it in and get it over with for her. I don’t want to be unsatisfying for her so I’m curious to learn one if this is common among women cause I’ve never ever encountered another woman who doesn’t like receiving oral and two if any women have any tips to increase my odds of giving her orgasms if all I have to work with is penetration and intercourses. I respect her limits but still want to make it as good as I can for her within those restrictions. Any help appreciated.


I am a man, but have a similar situation. I have been married for nearly 50 years. Before I married my wife, we talked about sex. I told her how much I wanted to give and get oral. She explained to me that it was too intimate prior to marriage but that would change over time after marriage. After marriage oral was not intimate at all it was disgusting to my wife. 

I have heard the UTI, the it may smell or be dirty argument many many times over. Another one she has not said, but I have heard others talk about is that some women have low bladder control and upon orgasm they may leak some urine, which would horrify some women. 

The bottom line is that it is her body. You can't force another person to do anything and so you should stop trying to make her do what you want. You should instead focus you energies on finding things that both of you enjoy doing. If at sometime in the future, she feels she wants to explore oral, let her set the boundaries, respect them, and offer her positive feedback.

Good luck. And no, I have never gotten that BJ she promised or the oral I have always wanted to give her. But that is a small thing compared to all we have given each other.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Acesup said:


> Hello. I have kind of an unusual technical question for women from a happily married guy to help me be better fit my wife. My wife is the only woman I’ve ever met who doesn’t like receiving oral, absolutely won’t let me go down on her ever and has never been into it her whole life. She’s also not really into foreplay, kissing, fingers, toys, doesn’t really fantasize, doesn’t like toys. Basically all she is comfortable with doing is good old fashioned intercourse. She’s working on her lack of sex drive and intimacy issues and her fear and uncomfortableness with all things sexual and I respect it’ll take time. But in the meantime it’s really hard to give her orgasms if I can’t do much to warm her up and it’s all about stick it in and get it over with for her. I don’t want to be unsatisfying for her so I’m curious to learn one if this is common among women cause I’ve never ever encountered another woman who doesn’t like receiving oral and two if any women have any tips to increase my odds of giving her orgasms if all I have to work with is penetration and intercourses. I respect her limits but still want to make it as good as I can for her within those restrictions. Any help appreciated.


OH that is interesting because I also do not want oral as regular as he likes to give it. I find it too intense and nearly blacks me out. I will have it but not all the time. Prefer to give it .
As for foreplay I think there are times when there is not not much of it and there are times where there is a lot of it. Fore example at 5.30 am is my favourite time and I tend not to have much foreplay, just strait to hard work. At bed time its his favourite time and there tends to be foreplay and afterplay at times. 

If in a hotel room or away from home, foreplays is longer and different
If in the car (which we used to do a lot before the girls were born but now only do when out without the girls, not much during lockdown) then foreplay is desperately more frantic and urgent. 
If in the bush foreplay is quick (started bush when on foreign holiday and have thereafter done it a few times back here)
Also in the shed and in the garage, foreplay is different again. 

I am sure foreplay is also different each time mostly. 
But there are times when there is none at all almost like the first chance after a separation maybe less than two min of foreplay (that is because seeing each other is itself foreplay) . Do it quickly then play after and maybe do it again less urgently/desperately, whatever.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> I am a man, but have a similar situation. I have been married for nearly 50 years. Before I married my wife, we talked about sex. I told her how much I wanted to give and get oral. She explained to me that it was too intimate prior to marriage but that would change over time after marriage. After marriage oral was not intimate at all it was disgusting to my wife.
> 
> I have heard the UTI, the it may smell or be dirty argument many many times over. Another one she has not said, but I have heard others talk about is that some women have low bladder control and upon orgasm they may leak some urine, which would horrify some women.
> 
> ...


I'm glad that you are happy (or at least reconciled) with your situation. It is a shame your wife couldn't be honest with you before you were married although I'm sure she had her reasons.

However, the important thing in your post for me is that if a woman is willing to have sex before marriage in a long term relationship, but not willing to do certain sex acts with you then the chances of her doing them after you are married is zero. 

I've never heard of a guy start getting blowjobs after marriage, but, despite the cliche, there are plenty who've stopped getting them.

Basically the moral of the entire story is don't expect marriage to suddenly improve anything about your relationship. And don't believe anyone who claims it will.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I'm glad that you are happy (or at least reconciled) with your situation. It is a shame your wife couldn't be honest with you before you were married although I'm sure she had her reasons.
> 
> However, the important thing in your post for me is that if a woman is willing to have sex before marriage in a long term relationship, but not willing to do certain sex acts with you then the chances of her doing them after you are married is zero.
> 
> ...


I honestly feel that my wife believed that the longer we were married, the stronger her sexual desire for me would grow so that things she could not do before marriage, would become possible. 

That did happen in other areas but not this one specific sex act. As such I both agree that one should not expect a partner to change, but in reality they will change as they grow after marriage. You just can't predict how they will change.


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## Raymond3 (Apr 12, 2021)

My Princess and I have been married very happily for over 45 years. For the first 12 or so years, she was ok with oral, and very happy. typically having 4 or 5 orgasms per session. Then, after a couple infections, she asked me to stop oral, and just use my fingers, when needed. 

And, it is no secret that she much prefers the way more body, mind and soul shaking vaginal orgasms during regular intercourse. Our marital connection is way more satisfying with those orgasms. She knows that if i bring her clitorally first, that is way less likely to happen. 

Here are some suggestions that all work wonders for us:
1. Look at what really turns your wife on. Maybe snuggling, maybe talking, maybe spanking, doing some fix up chores around the house, a romantic date, or maybe just holding and caressing your penis while you wrap your arms around her. if you find something that makes her all wet and almost panting desire for you to come into her, go with that, no matter how different that may be for your thinking, or preferences.

2. Tell her that you want to stroke her with your hand because you love her. And, be sure to be kissing her lips or nipples when you do. More importantly, tell her the love message in your heart when you do any of these things. 

3. Work especially on your regular stroking style during intercourse. Often, very short strokes, from just inside the vagina to only about 2 inches in, using the ridge on the top of your penis head to stroke her inside just on the other side of her clit will bring her with way deeper and stronger orgasms than a clit orgasm will do.

4.Stroke her clit with your penis before and during regular lovemaking. Or, press your pubic bone against her, and wriggle side to side when she is ready. She could have a wonderful orgasm that way, even if she has already had a vaginal orgasm.

Remember that half of our population does not go through the desire, arousal, foreplay, sex, winddown process. They must have the arousal before the desire comes. 

More importantly, tell her the love message in your heart when you do any of these things. If she hears the love secrets of your heart for her in your "physicalese" or "Sexualese" it will make a huge difference. But, that takes years to learn another language.

Raymond
Poppy's Happy Husband


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I've never heard of a guy start getting blowjobs after marriage, but, despite the cliche, there are plenty who've stopped getting them.


Here is your counter example. I don’t remember getting any when I was dating my wife. After that a small scattering dwindling down to nothing.

Last year I decided I was either going to have pretty much as much sex with my wife as I want or I’ll have a different wife and a much smaller bank account.

The breakthrough for me was learning one of her real brakes is that she hates sex fluids. I thought well ok let’s get the best flavored condoms on the market and try those. I am not messing around she turned into a straight up porn star.

Before it was hard for me to even get there on the very rare occasion she would do them. Last night she literally smashed my nuts she was going to town so hard to the point where I jumped back and she said, “too much?” I went from maybe 1/year to about 6/month now and the quality is amazing. I asked her if she used instructional content and she said she just did what I told her. So in a few months I have burned through over a third of the 100 pack I bought and TBH I almost always prefer PIV.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

DudeInProgress said:


> You don’t have a technical problem, or even a strictly sexual problem. You have an existential crisis in your marriage, and you’re asking entirely the wrong questions.
> 
> This is not about disinterest in oral, it’s that your wife is not attracted to you and doesn’t desire you sexually. Sorry.
> 
> ...


It might be an attraction issue, a medical issue, a prior trauma issue, or she may have married him for completely different reasons other than being attracted to him issue. Or any or all of those bundled up together in a tangled mess.

So he could work hard on "fixing the attraction", but no progress will be made if one or more of the other issues are in play.


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