# Should I Walk Away For Good?



## colourtrend (Jan 13, 2012)

I have been with my bf for 6 1/2 years on and off very frequently. I was faithfull for 3 years when I cheated but I also see it in a very different light but thats another story all together, but from that point onwards I couldnt really look at the relationship in the same way because In my eyes I had been unfaithful & destroyed a happy, healthy, fun relationship. I continued to cheat but only when I was drunk and slept with various men who never ment anything to me. I told him everytime that i slept with someone and destroyed him everytime i admitted it to him but he took me back and i told myself i would changed and that il learn from my lesson but I never did I kept on cheating and everytime I would admit it he took me back. I don't want people to get the wrong end of the stick and think that i continued this because I knew he would take me back because I honestly believed at times he would leave for good and that this time ive really gone and done it! But the pattern did continue and I know drink has played a big part in my cheating (no excuse I know) but when i drink boy do I drink and I will be honest I act like a total **** and im disgusted with the way ive acted the next morning. I feel i have big self esteem and confidence issues but they tend to destroy my life when mixed with drink! After all the cheating and lies and sleeping with all these different men not only have i hurt the one person I truely care about, I know ive destroyed a big part of him inside and knowing that when I look at him everyday kills me and yes I know its all my fault i take 100% responsibility for the damage but I can't sit there and destroy him anymore than I have and see that hurt in his eyes! I dont want to continue the relationship but I feel like I have to because its my punishment and my duty after everything ive put him through. I know he wouldnt want me to be with him out of pity but I just feel like its the least I can do after him putting up with the last 6 1/2 years of a disasterous relationship and on top of that he has helped me deal with my depression & anxiety. I thought everything was down to my drinking and the way he used to treat me and speak to me so I put the cheating down to that in the past but now im starting to take a good look at myself and my life and I know its me and how I must feel deep down inside (ok maybe not all of the relationship) but most deffinatly now. When I look at him now I see someone ive hurt so badly and I cant seem to let myself forget or forgive myself like he has appeared too, I feel i dont deserve to have such a good person like him in my life even as a friend after everything I have done to the poor guy. I was recently seeing a guy who I cheated on him with (yes once again im a heartless cow) things didnt work out and I ended up back with my bf, things were going good and i felt like we were really going to sort things out and forget the past and I made the fatal mistake of going to see a psychic. At the reading she told me to get out of the relationship said that he was a bastard and that there is someone else. That completly messed with my head and I ended things that night and not on a good note either. We have only recently got back together and its not felt right for days now it felt so fresh and fun for the first few days but now I just feel nothing like im numb. I don't feel like there is any spark there, any fun just constant arguing. I dont feel sexually attracted to him but I think this is because of the damage i have done, knowing youve hurt someone that bad. Im never really in the mood for sex with him and feel its a chore Im usually drunk if we do manage to have sex. Im sorry to rant on about my life story im sure i didnt need to go into that much detail but i had to get it off my chest and ask for advice. I feel like im going insane and ive got so many questions but no answers but I guess this is karma!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what exactly are your questions? Stop solving your problems with alcohol, as a start...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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