# Former Boyfriend has Cancer



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

July 4th I received a text on my phone from a number that was not in my contacts. I recognized the number by the prefix, it was a former boyfriend....we broke up 2 years ago. We texted for 6 hours that night....wasn't sure why we were texting, just generally caught up. The next day I received a text asking if we could talk. This man broke my heart, I had fallen in love with the man. The first thing he told me when we talked was that he knew he had hurt me, apologized and asked for my forgiveness. It's been 2 years, I forgave him a long time ago.

He then tells me that he has prostrate cancer, just diagnosed. The prostate is going to be removed along with lymph nodes. The lymph nodes are going to be biopsied to see if the cancer has spread. If the test results are positive, it is just a matter of time. 

He then went on to say that he loves me, he wants me to meet his family and he wants us to be a couple. He said he has thought about me alot over the past 2 years and even though he had been in another relationship I had captivated his heart. Actually this is how I have felt also.....I too went on but the whole time this man has been in my heart. For now we are not planning to see one another due to COVID and his elderly mother coming to be with him during his surgery. 

This gets complicated for me and my heart is torn. I have been dating another man for a year now. We have had a great deal of good times together, have many things in common. Down-side is he has 3 children still at home, ages 10-17. I have not met them....was once in a step family situation and it was alot of hurt and hardship so in this area I have held back. Because of his children his priorities are laid out for many years to come. We don't get to see each much and in many ways it feels like we are friends....he does not express feelings. not a person to give physical attention/intimacy outside of the bedroom and for these two reasons I have debated moving on. I have told the man I am dating (ER doc) about the former boyfriend (dentist) but I have not told the former boyfriend that I have been seeing someone.

My thoughts are to lend my friendship and support to the former boyfriend which I have already told the man I am seeing that I want to do. I will be seeing the ER doc tomorrow to talk. No plans to meet up with dentist (former boyfriend).


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The ex boyfriend is feeling scared. Scared about his cancer diagnosis/prognosis and probably scared about things in general due to the coronavirus pandemic. 
He is reaching out to you for comfort. Do not mistake this for anything else because you will get hurt. 
If he dies you will be devastated. 
If he gets better and decides he doesn’t need you anymore you will be hurt all over again. 
Don’t put yourself in a lose/lose situation.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's his fear talking.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Did he leave you for another woman? Or for reasons that you understand?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

He is looking out for #1.
He is scared and he doesn't want to be alone.
He reached out to you because he saw you as an easy mark.
If he dies, he dies with someone.
If he survives, he'll upgrade.
Remember, there is a reason he is your ex.
Don't hurt yourself or someone else. It sounds like you are not into the ER doctor.
If you aren't into him, let him go so that he can find someone who is into him.
Best of luck.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I think this is fear talking (and acting), for both of you. 

He's clearly reaching out because he's scared and wants a familiar face. He doesn't want to be alone through this or maybe die without someone by his side. Maybe he wants less of a burden on his elderly mother.

You are with someone else... Someone you were just posting about wanting to go from casual to committed with. So is the relationship really so bad all of a sudden that you'd leave it for someone who broke your heart? You can support him without getting invested or blowing up your life.

If he didn't have cancer and wasn't dying, but still reached out, would you even be considering this? Or woud you be telling him to shoo?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Did he leave you for another woman? Or for reasons that you understand?


Different race and he felt his family would have a hard time accepting me.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

bobert said:


> I think this is fear talking (and acting), for both of you.
> 
> He's clearly reaching out because he's scared and wants a familiar face. He doesn't want to be alone through this or maybe die without someone by his side. Maybe he wants less of a burden on his elderly mother.
> 
> ...


No, it is not bad all of a sudden.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> The ex boyfriend is feeling scared. Scared about his cancer diagnosis/prognosis and probably scared about things in general due to the coronavirus pandemic.
> He is reaching out to you for comfort. Do not mistake this for anything else because you will get hurt.
> If he dies you will be devastated.
> If he gets better and decides he doesn’t need you anymore you will be hurt all over again.
> Don’t put yourself in a lose/lose situation.


QFT. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

I agree with most of the posters regarding the ex being scared and somewhat narcissistic in his Contacting you now that he’s had a dx of prostate cancer. I read from your post that there has been no contact for two years since he broke your heart? (Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had people very close to me suffer from cancer and die at too young an age and I wouldn’t wish that horrible thing on anyone.) 

I’m trying not to make light of the situation but, “ He said he has thought about me alot over the past 2 years and even though he had been in another relationship I had captivated his heart”. You believe this horse puckey?

He broke up with you and broke your heart!

I’m sorry, but it almost seems that you are making excuses to get out of your present relationship. You’ve been dating him for a year and “We have had a great deal of good times together, have many things in common”. But then there are downsides??
The biggest concern I see is that you have been together for a year and you still haven’t met his children? The other things you mentioned as downsides can be dealt with easily enough.

AVR62, please understand that I’m making comments just based on your post.

Based on that, I would think that 1) a year has been wasted by two people, you and ER doc and 2) If I was an ex and could come between a year long relationship, it couldn’t have been much of a relationship to begin with. Not a loving long lasting one anyway. 3) You state that basically, your heart is with another man even tho he kicked you to the curb.

I don’t know how the ER doc feels about you, but why be torn? Let the poor ****** go and get on with his life perhaps with someone who holds his heart entwined with hers.

be prepared for more heartbreak.

Just so you know where I’m coming from, if I was your bf for the past year and my girlfriend wanted to lend friendship and support to an ex she still pined for, she would be my girlfriend until she got to the end of that proclamation. It’s been said in this forum many times, There is no room for an ex in a relationship.

I may sound like a complete ass, but I really do wish you well in your deliberation and I hope that for you, you come to the best outcome.

again, this is just my opinion and I may be totally out to lunch, but it’s just that, an opinion.

OT


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hurry up and marry him!!! If you don’t get all of it then you can still take half !!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Find out how far along he is. I was diagnosed with metastasized cancer about 10 years ago.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Oldtimer said:


> I agree with most of the posters regarding the ex being scared and somewhat narcissistic in his Contacting you now that he’s had a dx of prostate cancer. I read from your post that there has been no contact for two years since he broke your heart? (Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had people very close to me suffer from cancer and die at too young an age and I wouldn’t wish that horrible thing on anyone.)
> 
> I’m trying not to make light of the situation but, “ He said he has thought about me alot over the past 2 years and even though he had been in another relationship I had captivated his heart”. You believe this horse puckey?
> 
> ...


OldTimer, I saw the red flags. I broke things off with the ER doc shortly after my original post here. When I did I was shocked by his lack of expression or concern. Infact he offered that I could go to him for sex anytime which was the last thing I needed to hear. And he offered me a free gym pass to the new gym he just started with which is something I can get for free myself. Rather than seeing it as wasted time, I know where my head was when this started....my feelings changed so it is time for me to move on.

Isn't it awful that I can feelings for a man that kicked me to the curb? He and I spent 5 1/2 months getting to know each other as friends and built a relationship first that way. That and his attentiveness left my heart aching when we broke up. I have to march forward now....perhaps not with the dentist but I will be his friend right now.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> Hurry up and marry him!!! If you don’t get all of it then you can still take half !!!


Not even funny! I am self reliant, do not need someone to support me. Do not date men for a roof over my head or what is in their bank account.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

AVR1962 said:


> Not even funny! I am self reliant, do not need someone to support me. Do not date men for a roof over my head or what is in their bank account.


My bad attempt at humor.... sorry about that 👍


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The guy has been out of your life for two years, I would leave it that way. Too bad he has health issues but his life is not your train wreck to deal with. Wish him well and let it go at that.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

AVR1962 said:


> OldTimer, I saw the red flags. I broke things off with the ER doc shortly after my original post here. When I did I was shocked by his lack of expression or concern. Infact he offered that I could go to him for sex anytime which was the last thing I needed to hear. And he offered me a free gym pass to the new gym he just started with which is something I can get for free myself. Rather than seeing it as wasted time, I know where my head was when this started....my feelings changed so it is time for me to move on.
> 
> Isn't it awful that I can feelings for a man that kicked me to the curb? He and I spent 5 1/2 months getting to know each other as friends and built a relationship first that way. That and his attentiveness left my heart aching when we broke up. I have to march forward now....perhaps not with the dentist but I will be his friend right now.


AVR I’m glad to see that you have dealt with this issue in the manner you have. I’m also glad that you choose to go forward with eyes open, I believe that you can stand with the dentist as a friend, but never let the fact that he threw you to the curb out of your mind.

Yes it’s awful that you can have feelings for the person that kicked you to the curb and you aren’t the only damn fool that’s been in that position. Hell I’ll stand right next to you with my hand in the air when we are asked who still cared after we’ve been put though agony of a breakup from the other person.

Kudos to you on your actions and I wish you well and strength in future relationships.

OT


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Where is this guy's family? Do you think he is looking for a 24/7 nurse?
But of course, if it raises your hopes everytime you see him, then it's not worth it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> Isn't it awful that I can feelings for a man that kicked me to the curb? He and I spent 5 1/2 months getting to know each other as friends and built a relationship first that way. That and his attentiveness left my heart aching when we broke up. I have to march forward now....perhaps not with the dentist but I will be his friend right now.


Maybe this speculation will sound a bit weird, but here goes...

Are you familiar with how a smell can trigger memories and emotion, ie “takes you back in time” for a bit?

I wonder if there is kind of a similar thing where a strong negative emotion related to someone in particular can trigger feelings you’ve had for them before? I mean, the neurons associated with good memories are up there somewhere, and maybe strongly activating any neurons associated with that person might activate the nearby, more pleasant, memories of said person.

I recall feeling a desire to reach out to an old but significant gf, after hearing her father had passed, maybe even go to the wake. It wouldn’t have been a helpful thing really, and I surely would have seemed out of place (in 25-30 years, we might have shared a sentence or two at HS reunion, we are both married with children, and we turned out quite different from each other). But, there was a temporary upswell of emotion, triggered by hearing the news. And, I certainly wished I could have been of use to her.

Maybe not relevant to what you’re experiencing. And maybe I’m a bit strange —dunno, just curious about how brains work sometimes (aka intellectualizing my emotions so as to avoid feeling them).

I hope your friend’s condition improves, and whatever path you take works out well for you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Oldtimer said:


> AVR I’m glad to see that you have dealt with this issue in the manner you have. I’m also glad that you choose to go forward with eyes open, I believe that you can stand with the dentist as a friend, but never let the fact that he threw you to the curb out of your mind.
> 
> Yes it’s awful that you can have feelings for the person that kicked you to the curb and you aren’t the only damn fool that’s been in that position. Hell I’ll stand right next to you with my hand in the air when we are asked who still cared after we’ve been put though agony of a breakup from the other person.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply and your support. I was able to sleep well last night, a first in awhile. It was like a burden had been lifted and what I could not see was the burden of not knowing where I stood with the ER doc. As much as we had together there were things that were not feeling right. His response to me telling him I could not see him anymore wrapped up my thoughts, I had him pegged. He then sent several other texts...one of which to continue to offer sexual favors when I needed and a free gym pass that I could get myself for free....I just laughed. Again no real expression of feelings towards me or even a sense of loss. It feels to me like the path ahead is getting clearer. Today I am going to see the dentist to talk. I am excited. I will know with time if we will just be friends. I have to see this through.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

PieceOfSky said:


> Maybe this speculation will sound a bit weird, but here goes...
> 
> Are you familiar with how a smell can trigger memories and emotion, ie “takes you back in time” for a bit?
> 
> ...


You still chose to stay away.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Where is this guy's family? Do you think he is looking for a 24/7 nurse?
> But of course, if it raises your hopes everytime you see him, then it's not worth it.


The dentist and I have been very open with talking to each other. He could have chose to make details of his situation less than they are, as many times men will do. Not the case with this man. Last night while on FaceTime we were laughing so hard. I know how to make him laugh and vise versa. I told him it was good to hear him laugh. His reply was that is was good to be able to laugh. If I can bring pleasure to this man's life right now it is valuable, I would do the same for my ex or a good girl friend of mine. As we get to spend time together I will have my answers. Right now I am lending my frienship and support. His family lives about 7 hours away. They will be coming to be with him during his sugery.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sometimes, you can get closures with these types of situations, so good luck.

Please clarify, which is the dentist and which is the ER doctor?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> You still chose to stay away.





PieceOfSky said:


> Maybe this speculation will sound a bit weird, but here goes...
> 
> Are you familiar with how a smell can trigger memories and emotion, ie “takes you back in time” for a bit?
> 
> ...


That is exactly how the brain works. have you ever noticed that when you leave your ex all the good things pop into your head and you morn those good things and the feelings you have from them. Sometimes this can be tricky as we want to forget the bad. You feelings to reach out after your old gf's father passed is a natural feeling. The difference in one person from the other is that some do reach out and some do not. Since you are male, I find many times men tend to not reach out in fear they would be sending the wrong message and to protect their position with their wife. I am still close to many of my old schoolmates and I would most certainly reach out, that is my personality. There is nothing wrong with your thoughts and the choice you made.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Sometimes, you can get closures with these types of situations, so good luck.
> 
> Please clarify, which is the dentist and which is the ER doctor?


The dentist is the old boyfriend who was recently diagnosed with prostrate cancer. The ER doc is the man I have been seeing for the past year, I have referred to him in posts as my tiger. I told ER doc bout the dentist like the day after the dentist contacted me but until last night the dentist had no idea I had been seeing someone else. I did tell him last night that I had been seeing this guy for a year but that I broke up with him yesterday. I let him know that we were more friends than anything and that I did not break up with the man because of him (the dentist), I broke up with him because there was something lacking between he and I. So there is no burden on my heart and everything is out in the open. Yes, I think closure and answers are to come.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

AVR1962 said:


> The dentist is the old boyfriend who was recently diagnosed with prostrate cancer. The ER doc is the man I have been seeing for the past year, I have referred to him in posts as my tiger. I told ER doc bout the dentist like the day after the dentist contacted me but until last night the dentist had no idea I had been seeing someone else. I did tell him last night that I had been seeing this guy for a year but that I broke up with him yesterday. I let him know that we were more friends than anything and that I did not break up with the man because of him (the dentist), I broke up with him because there was something lacking between he and I. So there is no burden on my heart and everything is out in the open. Yes, I think closure and answers are to come.


Is the ER Doc the one that won't go on vacation with you. How....did you end up back with him, if so?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

And here we have information about why he planned a solo trip.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

AVR, what are you actually doing? The whole thing sounds utterly exhausting. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If the dentist had contacted you and started all of this, but _didn’t_ have cancer, would you be eager to be in his life?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Be friends with those friendly, and with those worthy, who ask.

Comfort him, but do not {fully} carry him across the cancer finish line, or, the end of the line, amen.

He had his chance with you, but blew it. 

Forgive, but do not forget.

Bless you for being kind.
..........................

My younger brother died of an aggressive Prostate Cancer at age 57. 
He waited too long to have it diagnosed and treated.

Prostrate cancer has a 99% *5 year* survival rate.

The aggressive form is included in the percentage.

..............................................................................................

_Amidst so much optimism and progress in the last 10 years, it’s important to keep in mind that prostate cancer is still a deadly disease for some men, and it is the second leading cause of cancer death among men in the US, with 94 men dying from it every day.

In general, the earlier the cancer is caught and treated, the more likely the patient will remain disease-free. In fact, many men with “low-risk” tumors (which are the most common type of prostate cancer), as well as some men with intermediate-risk disease, can safely undergo active surveillance. This means patients are closely monitored without immediate treatment (or treatment-related side effects), while still preserving their chance of long-term survival if the cancer becomes aggressive enough to require treatment.
_


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