# I'm Not a Great Housewife



## MommyAG (Feb 1, 2016)

Hi, men. I'm simply curious how many of you have wives who stay at home with the kids instead of working. I'm sorry if this topic has been used before.

What do you expect from her?

How do you feel about her staying home?

I'm new to being a housewife/stay-at-home mom, and I feel I'm not great at it. We have a 20 month old boy and a little brother on the way, due May.

My husband and I grew up in slightly different home environments. His mother stayed at home. Not only that, she has a very passive/subservient personality and often let her husband take charge of everything. She was always very on top of laundry, cleaning, vacuuming, etc. In fact, she dropped out of high school (60's) to marry her first husband, who was abusive. She thankfully got out of that and married my husband's father. Anyway, she did everything for my husband. Washed his sheets everyday, cleaned up his dishes and messes, etc. 

In my home, my mother and father both worked. My mom started off only working a few hours each day when we were little little, then moved up to a teaching position when we were in school. She was home when we were home and had all the benefits a teacher has, like more vacation, etc. So though she did work, she was still able to be home a lot. However, we did a lot of the chores as kids. She had a chart for us to follow (who did the dishes before bed, cleaned up after the dogs, etc.). We got jobs when we were 16 and became responsible for some finances.

The first 6 years of our marriage, I worked. The first couple of years of our marriage were rough, as he expected me to do full housework like his mother did, and I was quite stubborn about it. Eventually he came around. Of course, there were other factors to our fights I was responsible for myself. I had a problem with confrontation and always had to have the last word. But, I too came around (we were young and naive). Then, we were great.

Our son came along and I decided I wanted to stay at home with him. I will say I absolutely LOVE being a mom. We have so much fun together. We go to parks, playgrounds, museums, and like being out and about.

My problem, as mentioned above, is I still don't feel I'm doing a good job as a housewife. Unfortunately I have put my husband on the back burner. My life has been revolved around our son. The housework has been decent, as I grew up doing chores. I can't stand dirty dishes or floors, so I keep those clean. Laundry is meh- I hate laundry. I make sure he has clean clothes for work though. I don't leave piles everywhere though. Sometimes I just forget to do loads.

To be honest, I often feel my husband expects more from me now that I stay home. I feel he compares me to his mom, who vacuumed 3+ times each day and lived for a clean home. I had to remind my husband his mother had ridiculously high blood pressure and was told to take a rest by her doctor. But it's not just the cleaning. 

I said I haven't put my husband first. I've been terrible at it. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact I stopped taking care of my body health. I was an athlete and very active before our son. Now I've gained about 50 lbs, and got unexpectedly pregnant with our second. I feel gross and intimacy doesn't happen very often. It's my fault, I know. I also feel angry at him for expecting me to be this perfect housewife- which doesn't help our marriage at all. And, of course, my husband not being first has impacted his personality. He's become bitter and moody. I feel he spends a lot of time lecturing me on things I need to improve upon. We're back to fighting a lot, which makes me want to be less close to him. It's a mess.

When I got pregnant with our second, I started going back to school to get my teaching credentials. I won't be done until our kids are in school, so for now I'm home. 

Anyway, I apologize this is long. Any men have experience with this? If your wife stays home and has it together, what does she do? What advice could you give me? I'm willing to make any changes I could. Thanks.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its not easy. Kids demand and need an enormous amount of attention, and generate chaos wherever they go. 

That said, 50 pounds of weight gain is unhealthy (assuming this is separate from your pregnancy). You should have lots of opportunities to be active taking care of a young child, going to parks etc.

Some things you just need to schedule. Laundry is pretty quick - if you can both wear clothes that don't need ironing. (my wife and I are both professionals and we don't own an iron). Make yourself a schedule and just stick to it. 

Its important to try to let you love and intimacy with your husband fade. Don't let your child become the sole target of your affections. 


Its not easy. When my wife and I took a foster child in to the house, our marriage almost completely fell apart.


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## MommyAG (Feb 1, 2016)

I also want to mention a few things that drive my husband particularly mad. I'm not organized at all. I'm bad at it. I'm scatterbrained, tired all the time, forgetful, have a hard time being on top of things, and mentally foggy. I feel I'm mentally battling myself to WAKE UP and focus and get my brain together. To be honest, I hate my brain and mind. I live in thick fog. Yes, I've been getting treated for thyroid issues as I deal with it regularly, though I don't really feel it does much. Besides, I don't want to be "that" person who consistently blames a bad thyroid for everything. Naturally, this can be misinterpreted as laziness, and often times I feel my husband thinks it's more that than anything else.

He told me he's fallen out of love with me, and though I feel the same, I want it to work. I want to win him back and do what I can to fix and improve myself.


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## MommyAG (Feb 1, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Its not easy. Kids demand and need an enormous amount of attention, and generate chaos wherever they go.
> 
> That said, 50 pounds of weight gain is unhealthy (assuming this is separate from your pregnancy). You should have lots of opportunities to be active taking care of a young child, going to parks etc.
> ...


Thank you, Richard. I think scheduling is a great idea to help me keep on top of things. It is definitely hard. I often feel guilty for putting myself first. Sometimes I even feel guilty when putting my husband first, as if it's going to negatively impact my son (which I know, it won't. It will likely be better for him).


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Keeping lists and schedules helps with being scatterbrained. Just leave a list of things that need doing where you will keep running into it.

You and your husband have to find a way to get romance back in your lives.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

For some women being stay at home mom is not a great experience, especially if you were active, working person before. Diaper, laundry, feeding, park. diaper, laundry, feeding, park. Diaper, laundry, feeding, park. Diaper, laundry, feeding, park. diaper.... Cooking, cleaning. Soooo much fun.

so, some of us find the experience simply depressing and start gaining weight, lose confidence, lose energy and motivation. It is hard to break the cycle. it is getting easier one the younger of the kids is around three and more self-entertaining. 

do you have support group around you? Family, good friends, other moms to hang out with? Are you getting out of the house on your own, without a kid? for lazy shopping, walk, or ladies night out? These are things that would help you to keep you life in balance. There are mom's club, where new moms hang out together. Find someone to go for long, active walks with you and the stroller to keep you active. 

And have a frank conversation with your husband about the chores and the house. From your description it sounds you are doing whatever you are supposed to keep the house running efficinetly. make him understand that you will not work for the housewife of the year medal. And if you stop feeling guilty about it, and instead start taking care of yourself, not only others, your marriage will benefit great deal.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

about not being organized and leaving in the fog - any chance of ADHD?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

How do you do with setting short term goals and writing them down? Have you tried breaking up the day into segments that are more manageable. For example this morning I am going to clean the kitchen from 9-10 then that's it's. You take break and do what you want then 11-12 I am going to clean bathrooms or whatever it is.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MommyAG said:


> What do you expect from her?


I see the household tasks as shared ones. We work to getting them done based on who is available and has energy. That said, that is basically me for now. Our baby is only 3 months, so it is definitely tough on whoever is with him.



> How do you feel about her staying home?


It was my idea. I had offered the idea to her when she got pregnant. She had a BAD pregnancy.





> My problem, as mentioned above, is I still don't feel I'm doing a good job as a housewife. Unfortunately I have put my husband on the back burner.


Explain


> My life has been revolved around our son. The housework has been decent, as I grew up doing chores. I can't stand dirty dishes or floors, so I keep those clean. Laundry is meh- I hate laundry. I make sure he has clean clothes for work though. I don't leave piles everywhere though. Sometimes I just forget to do loads.


Sounds like you do a lot.



> To be honest, I often feel my husband expects more from me now that I stay home. I feel he compares me to his mom, who vacuumed 3+ times each day and lived for a clean home. I had to remind my husband his mother had ridiculously high blood pressure and was told to take a rest by her doctor. But it's not just the cleaning.


Our current society places the same demands on women that existed 100 years ago, whether they work or not. We have new marital arrangements now and need to adapt the rest of our lifestyles to match what has changed.


> Now I've gained about 50 lbs, and got unexpectedly pregnant with our second. I feel gross and intimacy doesn't happen very often. It's my fault, I know. I also feel angry at him for expecting me to be this perfect housewife- which doesn't help our marriage at all.


Are you heavily affected with sexual desire due to pregnancy?



> And, of course, my husband not being first has impacted his personality. He's become bitter and moody. I feel he spends a lot of time lecturing me on things I need to improve upon. We're back to fighting a lot, which makes me want to be less close to him. It's a mess.


Typical arrangement. The breadwinner feels their contribution is superior.



> Anyway, I apologize this is long. Any men have experience with this? If your wife stays home and has it together, what does she do? What advice could you give me? I'm willing to make any changes I could. Thanks.


I can imagine the other gentlemen here ringing my neck. :wink2:
But, I can't imagine how hard it must have been on my SO, whether or not she was able to cook or clean.

A lot of what will help you is becoming your own voice. Someone is only controlling if you are controllable. I can hear in your message all of the expectations that you are trying to meet. I feel the pressure. You have to do this for yourself, as he may always place impossible expectations on you.


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## MommyAG (Feb 1, 2016)

Thank you for your replies. 

Wanda, you're right. I think my biggest issue is routine. I hate routine. It bores me to death. I like new things, spontaneity, going new places, having my own fun schedule. This is a big reason why I love staying home. I have more freedom to set my own schedule and have fun with my son. Unfortunately I have gained bad eating habits as well. I don't eat garbage all day, but we all know gained weight is calories in. I just simply eat too much at times. Stress? Depression? Possibly. I did deal with PPD mildly after my son was born, mostly due to breastfeeding issues. Then the routine thing kicked in and I felt like I had lost myself. I stopped having hobbies and interests. My husband tells me to take up a new hobby, but I have trouble finding the motivation to try something new. Now I have school/studies in the mix, and I'm trying to schedule study time in as well. I suck at structure.


As for mommy groups, I did just get involved. We moved here not too long ago from out of state, and our area is very family friendly. Lots of stay-at-home moms. Lots of playdates and activities, moms nights out, etc. It has made a difference and I plan to keep it going. It helps me get out of the house, as I feel stir crazy if I'm in too long. 

I've never been checked for ADHD. I had trouble focusing in school as well, but worked hard enough to have decent grades. My dad has ADD (was diagnosed as an adult). I suppose I can look more into that.

Wolf, I think it would help if I set short term goals. This is my weakness. My husband tells me I need to learn how to prioritize better, and I agree. He tells me things he'd like me to do that aren't chore-related. Typically things like calling a company to fix an issue we have, checking the status on a bill, going over the budget, things like that. I'm bad at staying on top as I typically forget or get sidetracked. My memory is terrible. I need a better way to work on that. I guess I can put these things down visually and post them in our work space or on the fridge.


Relationship Teacher, I appreciate your words, as they open my eyes to different viewpoints. I guess I do feel my husband thinks his contribution is superior. We were just discussing this yesterday when he made a comment about how I "just" stay at home. We weren't fighting, but he said it casually in a conversation. As for my sexual desire, I think it's more my weight than pregnancy, though I never considered pregnancy playing a role. I had set a goal to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight before getting pregnant again, but well, ended up pregnant anyway. I triggered a bit of depression in me. Luckily I haven't gained anything so far (25 weeks along), except maybe a pound or two, but I still wish I would have been back at my healthy weight first.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

that's how your house would look like if you were "just" staying home...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Well,

1) You don't work and aren't able to keep up with the housework (ok if it's not perfect, not ok if it's a disaster)

2) All of your attention is going to your son

3) Your husband's happiness is no longer a priority for you

4) You've gained 50 lbs.

5) Intimacy doesn't happen very often

I've got to imagine that your husband's not happy with the marriage (his being bitter and angry is a clue).

If he's not happy, then the marriage is in trouble.

I assume that he's doing some things wrong (like lecturing you on your faults), but it seems like the problems are more on you than him (especially since his bad behavior is no doubt influenced by the five factors noted above).

You've got some work to do if you want the marriage to improve. Otherwise it's circling the drain.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Flylady.com


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ooops. .Net


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MommyAG said:


> Relationship Teacher, I appreciate your words, as they open my eyes to different viewpoints. I guess I do feel my husband thinks his contribution is superior. We were just discussing this yesterday when he made a comment about how I "just" stay at home. We weren't fighting, but he said it casually in a conversation. As for my sexual desire, I think it's more my weight than pregnancy, though I never considered pregnancy playing a role. I had set a goal to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight before getting pregnant again, but well, ended up pregnant anyway. I triggered a bit of depression in me. Luckily I haven't gained anything so far (25 weeks along), except maybe a pound or two, but I still wish I would have been back at my healthy weight first.


If I didn't have my SO, I wouldn't be able to work. One could argue that I could use daycare ($$)...... but having the parent there is vastly superior.

Weight can depress sexual desire. Pregnancy can turn it way up or way down. My guess would be that it is more pregnancy related or due to stress.

My partner and I were discussing what she would say if someone questioned her (critically) for being a SAHM. Don't poke the bear :wink2:

He may not be open to seeing other points of view, at least at first. You have to be very strong and self-happy to be able to push back, and do so in a healthy manner. Doing this will show your strength. This strength he won't be able to avoid. You have to develop unwavering confidence to better restructure the tasks. We do this because we don't want the marriages of 50 years ago. Dr. Baucom talks about the evolution of marriage and how we still need to make one more step.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Relationship Teacher said:


> If I didn't have my SO, I wouldn't be able to work. One could argue that I could use daycare ($$)...... but having the parent there is vastly superior.
> 
> Weight can depress sexual desire. Pregnancy can turn it way up or way down. My guess would be that it is more pregnancy related or due to stress.
> 
> ...


What do you think of his saying he has fallen out of love with her?

That would have me making divorce plans, personally.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You sure you don't have postpartum?

You seem to take the tone of "I hate myself" quite a bit.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I wonder who abandoned whom first? You him once they baby came?. Or he abandoned you once the baby came, happy the housework does not have to be shared anymore, and disrespecting your "just" staying home.

Remember, you "just" staying home is is giving up on your career and financial independence. it is HUGE sacrifice, one that enables your husband continuing pursuing his career as nothing has changed, having peace of mind that his and your child is well taken care of, house clean and dinner on the table. At the same time your value at the job market and all future salaries go down with every year you stay at home. Is he even aware of this?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

marduk said:


> You sure you don't have postpartum?


Marduk, I hope you don't mind if I use your post. One does not have postpartum. Postpartum is the period following delivery.


post·par·tum
pōstˈpärdəm/
adjectiveMedicineVeterinary Medicine
adjective: post-partum; adjective: postpartum

following childbirth or the birth of young.


What you mean is postpartum DEPRESSION.  Pet thing.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I agree that she sounds depressed . and hubby does not seem to be very supportive.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> What do you think of his saying he has fallen out of love with her?
> 
> That would have me making divorce plans, personally.


That is overblown a lot. Falling out of love is typical when individuals don't release emotions. It can be fixed
by reconnecting that emotional pipeline. 

The answer will be obvious when she builds herself up. If the relationship is restored, she will be a much more respected individual. IF it fails, she will already have the coping skills necessary.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> I agree that she sounds depressed . and hubby does not seem to be very supportive.


I would be depressed if I were with a man I could not please, too.

You have an uphill climb with this one, OP. You are more courageous than I am. Kids alone are enough of a challenge, never mind such a husband.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MommyAG said:


> Hi, men. I'm simply curious how many of you have wives who stay at home with the kids instead of working. I'm sorry if this topic has been used before.
> 
> What do you expect from her? Keep the house clean, food shop and cook.
> 
> ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MommyAG said:


> I also want to mention a few things that drive my husband particularly mad. I'm not organized at all. I'm bad at it. I'm scatterbrained, tired all the time, forgetful, have a hard time being on top of things, and mentally foggy. I feel I'm mentally battling myself to WAKE UP and focus and get my brain together. To be honest, I hate my brain and mind. I live in thick fog. Yes, I've been getting treated for thyroid issues as I deal with it regularly, though I don't really feel it does much. Besides, I don't want to be "that" person who consistently blames a bad thyroid for everything. Naturally, this can be misinterpreted as laziness, and often times I feel my husband thinks it's more that than anything else.
> 
> He told me he's fallen out of love with me, and though I feel the same, I want it to work. I want to win him back and do what I can to fix and improve myself.



HUGE RED FLAG! Start snooping.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

NobodySpecial said:


> Marduk, I hope you don't mind if I use your post. One does not have postpartum. Postpartum is the period following delivery.
> 
> 
> post·par·tum
> ...


Ya, I wrote it in and then took it out.

My sister had huge PPD. And she had giant problems with the scary 'D' label. So maybe I'm too willing to self-censor about it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> I agree that she sounds depressed . and hubby does not seem to be very supportive.


Cause he is busy falling out of love with her. So what is he in love with?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm seperated from my wife right now and I can tell you the weight she gained after pregnancy was a large factor in my decision to start over. My wife always uses the excuse "I gave birth to two kids in xx years". Then when I drop the kids off at school and see these hot MILFs who have 2 or 3 kids, I just shake my head. Of course there are larger issues at play in my marriage, but losing the physical attraction was the last straw. The thought of my wife naked makes me want to throw up.

You're obviouslly not happy if your overweight, so you need to address some other issues. But being physically attracted to your partner for a guy is a must. But of course, if the guy is a lazy fat slob as well, he probably doesn't have high expecations.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> I'm seperated from my wife right now and I can tell you the weight she gained after pregnancy was a large factor in my marriage. My wife always uses the excuse "I gave birth to two kids in xx years". Then when I drop the kids off at school and see these hot MILFs who have 2 or 3 kids, I just shake my head. Of course there are larger issues at play in my marriage, but losing the physical attraction was the last straw. The thought of my wife naked makes me want to throw up.


Sounds like you might be headed for divorce then?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

marduk said:


> Ya, I wrote it in and then took it out.
> 
> My sister had huge PPD. And she had giant problems with the scary 'D' label. So maybe I'm too willing to self-censor about it.


Meh. I was being a touch goofy. But anyone readying who does not know what it is is not going to get any google hits off of just postpartem. 

Why does depression have such a negative stigma? Makes me wacky. I have a friend who suffered for years because of the stigma. She would not get help.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

jld said:


> Sounds like you might be headed for divorce then?


That's the plan. But the wife now all of a sudden wants to work on things and try to fix our issues. Funny how she told me a month ago to "grow some balls and leave. i fckng hate you!". A little too late for me, but with young kids involved, it's really hard to pull the trigger and say the D word. The hardest thing I ever did was pack my bags and move out. Now trying to decide to work on things or split everything and create a broken family is weighing heavily on me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> That's the plan. But the wife now all of a sudden wants to work on things and try to fix our issues. Funny how she told me a month ago to "grow some balls and leave. i fckng hate you!". A little too late for me, but with young kids involved, it's really hard to pull the trigger and say the D word. The hardest thing I ever did was pack my bags and move out. Now trying to decide to work on things or split everything and create a broken family is weighing heavily on me.


I'm sure it is.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Dear OP. There is a lot here. I will start with the most important. Fixing yourself. If you want to fix yourself for your husband, fix yourself for YOU. It starts with peace. Peace means accepting that you have gained weight and that is where you are today. Peace does not mean you are going to eat nothing but alfalfa sprouts tomorrow. Peace means making one small change in habits toward a healthier lifestyle. I made a reference a housekeeping resource called Flylady.net. A lot of the purple puddle stuff is not for me. But it make help you.

Fly of Flylady stands for
Finally
Loving
Yourself.

Because guess what? Your husband can't love you until YOU love you. 

Breathe. You can do this. You are pregnant right now, right? Your baby steps are going to be TINY in this period. Pregnancy takes a lot out of you. What would you like your first baby step to be? For me, my first baby step was waking up in the morning and getting dressed to the shoes. (I know I was supposed to shine my sink. But I thought that was stupid.) So I was unable to get up before baby. Maybe you can with a nearly 2 year old. I got up with baby. Nursed. Stuck him in his vibraty butt seat, took a shower and got dressed. Day one if that is all the habit you have changed. That is FINE. 

By then I was exhausted. I had prepped coffee the night before, so not I sat for coffee for about 20-30 minutes cooing, cuddling and whatnot. Then I put in one load of laundry into the washer. Then I did not think of laundry again for the remainder of the day until mid afternoon.

I am not going through the rest of my day. But each habit took 2-4 weeks to really get established. At first it SUCKED. The one load of laundry felt like I was going to DIE. A six month old in the pack to go do a load of laundry seems stupid. But then but the time he was your son's age, he was in the same habit. He picked up his basket, and off we were to the laundry room. Usually singing a Bonnie Raitt song.

So week 1. Pick on thing you want for yourself. Do you want what I described to get dressed to the shoes? Or just to sign up for flylady's emails? Or maybe just to meditate for 20 minutes a day? 

And tomorrow you just don't worry about week 1. You just worry about day 1. And give yourself a hug.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

P.S. If dinner meals are a challenge to you, I would be happy to forward you my easiest meal recipes and plans for you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> I'm seperated from my wife right now and I can tell you the weight she gained after pregnancy was a large factor in my decision to start over. My wife always uses the excuse "I gave birth to two kids in xx years". Then when I drop the kids off at school and see these hot MILFs who have 2 or 3 kids, I just shake my head. Of course there are larger issues at play in my marriage, but losing the physical attraction was the last straw. The thought of my wife naked makes me want to throw up.
> 
> You're obviouslly not happy if your overweight, so you need to address some other issues. * But being physically attracted to your partner for a guy is a must. *But of course, if the guy is a lazy fat slob as well, he probably doesn't have high expecations.


Not always the case for every guy.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> That's the plan. But the wife now all of a sudden wants to work on things and try to fix our issues. Funny how she told me a month ago to "grow some balls and leave. i fckng hate you!". A little too late for me, but with young kids involved, it's really hard to pull the trigger and say the D word. The hardest thing I ever did was pack my bags and move out. Now trying to decide to work on things or split everything and create a broken family is weighing heavily on me.


It is typical for individuals to squeeze harder when losing their grasp on something. First they try angry manipulation. Then they try sad manipulation. What does she really want and how does she feel about the weight issue as it relates to you not desiring her?


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## MommyAG (Feb 1, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> P.S. If dinner meals are a challenge to you, I would be happy to forward you my easiest meal recipes and plans for you.





NobodySpecial said:


> Dear OP. There is a lot here. I will start with the most important. Fixing yourself. If you want to fix yourself for your husband, fix yourself for YOU. It starts with peace. Peace means accepting that you have gained weight and that is where you are today. Peace does not mean you are going to eat nothing but alfalfa sprouts tomorrow. Peace means making one small change in habits toward a healthier lifestyle. I made a reference a housekeeping resource called Flylady.net. A lot of the purple puddle stuff is not for me. But it make help you.
> 
> Fly of Flylady stands for
> Finally
> ...


Thank you for this. I do feel rather exhausted over everything. I'm not a great cook, but I try. I wouldn't mind recipes! Thank you. I know baby steps are what I need to take. 



marduk said:


> You sure you don't have postpartum?
> 
> You seem to take the tone of "I hate myself" quite a bit.


I wouldn't be surprised if I do.

Depression runs deep in my family. Three of my brothers battle it, two of which have sadly turned to drugs and/or alcohol to cope (they're both currently in rehab). My dad battles it too. I dealt with it on and off as a teen, but figured I was like any other teenager.

My method of dealing with depression was running. I ran a lot. Lifted weights 3-4 days each week. Ate really well. Did yoga. Took spin classes. I was all around healthy. I love the outdoors, so I spent a lot of time outside hiking and being in nature. I grew up in an outdoorsy family, so I get antsy if I'm inside too long. I'm not a watch-tv type of girl. I like to be out and moving. 

After my son, I only had about 20 pounds to lose, which I figured shouldn't be a problem with my history of being healthy. What I didn't expect was so many breastfeeding problems and serious fatigue. I went off course and ate whatever I could, as I was too exhausted to cook. We had friends brings meals, of course, but I changed a lot of habits. Every time I tried to exercise, I felt even more exhausted and typically pushed myself too hard. 

In truth, my husband developed depression after our son was born. He was in a miserable job with a terrible micromanaging boss. Mix that with a new baby. I felt I had little support from him at the time, as he zoned out and spent his time in the world of internet. When I finally suggested depression, he went and sought counseling. I never spoke to him about my PPD because I was focusing on HIM feeling and getting better. Besides, I just always assumed it was natural for me to feel the way I was feeling, being a new mom and all. Every mom goes through this, right? I didn't think it was much else.

Finally I suggested my husband find a new job since he was so unhappy. I helped him apply everywhere and he landed a new job out of state, which he is pleased with. His boss is great, he gets along with everyone, and he's doing something he enjoys. 

I don't know, maybe I spent so much time in the beginning supporting both him and the baby I forgot about myself. Now I'm grappling to pull myself together again. My husband putting high expectations on me hurts. I feel I'm never good enough. I feel I don't fit his description of a perfect housewife. I know I need to work on myself too though. I don't know if I'm resenting him for wanting better out of me, or I've just come to dislike myself, so I push him away. 

My home is not a disaster. In fact, mess stresses me out. I think I'm more stressed because I can't keep it as clean as I did before. I've given up on it being perfect though. Some days it looks a lot better than others. Often times I'd rather spend the day out with my son than be stuck inside cleaning. But like I said, dishes and the kitchen are always clean. I won't sleep otherwise. Floors fairly clean (toddler tracking dirt and bringing leaves and rocks inside is a regular thing), laundry is regularly done, though it's not my best chore (as I said, I often forget about loads). Toilets regularly cleaned too. Since we did just move, right now we're renting. We don't have too much space, so I feel everything is just cluttered. This is where my organizing skills lack. I'm not good at the "small space" thing. There's just always...stuff. Drives me mad.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Forget the "stuff." Put it all on limited life support, necessities only. Talk to your husband about it. Tell him that you helped him through it, now it's his turn to help you through it.

For the next month, let him pick up the slack at home (but be tolerant of messes). Focus on your diet, exercise, and sleep. Just that. For one month.

You had a good way to manage depression. Get back to it. Bring your husband into the plan.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MommyAG said:


> I never spoke to him about my PPD because I was focusing on HIM feeling and getting better. Besides, I just always assumed it was natural for me to feel the way I was feeling, being a new mom and all. Every mom goes through this, right? I didn't think it was much else.


Pregnancy and the post-partum period kill many relationships, and if they survive, they lose a lot in the process. It goes back to a complete lack of knowledge as to the challenges that are faced.




> I don't know, maybe I spent so much time in the beginning supporting both him and the baby I forgot about myself.
> 
> Now I'm grappling to pull myself together again. My husband putting high expectations on me hurts. I feel I'm never good enough. I feel I don't fit his description of a perfect housewife.


We can never be happy fulfilling the needs of others. The minute their affirmations stop, it can only mean unhappiness. Whereas, you could be happy fulfilling *your *needs, as you control the affirmations that circulate within yourself.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Super easy

Creamy Chicken and Herb Skillet (15 Minute Meal!) - Iowa Girl Eats

Screw the gluten free and that stuff. Throw some rice in a pot, a veggie in another. Done.

If you don't have a crock pot, get one! You don't even really need a recipe. This is a family favorite

Thai Red Curry Beef Recipe | MyRecipes.com

Cut corners! When the recipe calls for browning the meat before putting it in the crock pot, I don't. If I don't have access to fresh herbs, I use the squeezy containers of paste. I buy bottled garlic and ginger. 

Here is my original. Not the super speediest ever. But it can be frozen. So I am going to make one, I make 2 or 3 and put the extras in the freezer.

Leftover cooked chicken or cooked chicken from store.
cream of mushroom soup
shredded cheddar
frozen peas thawed
egg noddles

Mix it up. Stick in casserole. Top lightly with panko. Cook one till bubbly and crispy around edges. Freeze other(s).

Beef stroganoff ish

Saute chopped onion and mushrooms in a pan. Add ground beef and cook until brown. Add browning seasoning sauce. When cooked, take off heat and mix in sour cream.

Time saver is to have packaged salad makings on hand for quick side.

Just some quick thoughts.

The web is full of crock pot recipes. The beauty there is you can fill the pot the night before and just stuff it in the cooker the next day. The EASIEST meal I make is to take a chuck beef pot roast and stick it in the smallest crock pot it will fit comfortably in. Throw in an onion. Cook all day 8-... can't cook too long. If it the weekend, I will make home made mashed potatoes. If it is a weekday, I buy the stuff already made. Serve the beef with the juice. Make gravy if you are feeling really crazy. The next day, I fry some beef, juice, leftover potatoes and maybe some onion. Serve with a fried or poached egg on top.

I have more and easier if you like.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

First: start making your husband a priority.

Second: Stop using your child for your entertainment. If you keep doting on him like this, you're going to be raising a miniature husband.

Third: Your MIL has issues, big time. Who vacuums 3 times a day? That's nuts. She's using cleaning as a crutch. Pretty much the same way you're using your son. Since your husband so respects his mama's cleaning skills, he can emulate her.

Fourth: Lighten up on yourself. No one is going to die if you're not touted for your cooking skills. Just one more thing to conquer eventually. Make plans for when junior #2 comes along. More work, more exhaustion, more claiming they're not a priority anymore by both husband and son. Good luck! You can do this!


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> Well,
> 
> 1) You don't work and aren't able to keep up with the housework (ok if it's not perfect, not ok if it's a disaster)
> 
> ...





MommyAG said:


> My home is not a disaster. In fact, mess stresses me out. I think I'm more stressed because I can't keep it as clean as I did before. I've given up on it being perfect though. Some days it looks a lot better than others. Often times I'd rather spend the day out with my son than be stuck inside cleaning. But like I said, dishes and the kitchen are always clean. I won't sleep otherwise. Floors fairly clean (toddler tracking dirt and bringing leaves and rocks inside is a regular thing), laundry is regularly done, though it's not my best chore (as I said, I often forget about loads). Toilets regularly cleaned too. Since we did just move, right now we're renting. We don't have too much space, so I feel everything is just cluttered. This is where my organizing skills lack. I'm not good at the "small space" thing. There's just always...stuff. Drives me mad.





marduk said:


> Forget the "stuff." Put it all on limited life support, necessities only. Talk to your husband about it. Tell him that you helped him through it, now it's his turn to help you through it.
> 
> For the next month, let him pick up the slack at home (but be tolerant of messes). Focus on your diet, exercise, and sleep. Just that. For one month.
> 
> You had a good way to manage depression. Get back to it. Bring your husband into the plan.


I am highlighting some things that pop up in my radar screen and I think you are the only one who can really asses where things at (two opposing quotes).

As suggested by some posts before, if you think that there are areas in you yourself that needs improvement, that it is up to you to improve it.

However, there is one thing that I am certain though. For a man to be attractive in a marriage, he needs to carry his weight in terms of chores. If he demands that food is on the table every night, the he will be seen just as another mouth to feed and attraction will go down the drain. Have him take care of some chores (communicate it with tact, etc). Communication is probably what needs to happen to bring both of you in a balance.

Suggest that he runs the barbecue grill on a weekend will be a great move on his side (if that's what's lacking now).


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I agree with many posters who have said to focus on your husband more, and on yourself. As you used to be athletic, I can't imagine that you're happy with the 50 lb weight gain. I'd start by working on that. 

I'd listen very carefully to what your H said. If he was honest enough to tell you that he's falling out of love with you, this probably means that he's just not attracted to you as much anymore. This is dangerous for your marriage. You can't reason him into feeling attraction again.

It would be a terrible shame to have a broken marriage with children, especially young ones. 

Do everything you can to improve your energy levels (medication for depression, etc.) and try to get your old self back again. Having children is not a reason to remain overweight. Don't do it just to please your husband, but also for yourself. If you're happier, he'll be happier.

Good luck.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Without going back and reading all the posts, I will say it takes a whole LOT of self-discipline to be a full-time stay-at-home housewife / mom. The tendency is to procrastinate those things that you don't "like" doing, and eventually it will pile up on you. You absolutely HAVE to treat it like any other job, schedule the things that need to be done, and STICK to it regardless of how you feel, or whether you enjoy that task.

These days it is rare, in my opinion, to see somebody who can do this "job" without having lapses.

My advice is, in order to save your marriage, you will have to:

1) Treat being a stay-at-home housewife like a regular job, which means getting out of bed early every day, and get busy almost immediately.

2) Make out a schedule for every chore, and do them regardless of how you feel. You can add a couple of breaks into your day just as you would with any job. If a break is unscheduled you will have to make up that time doing what was scheduled during that time.

3) Make sure you exercise every day. Schedule it, and stick to it. Exercise will definitely increase your energy level. Working as quickly as possible will make it easier, too. The more energy you burn the more energy you will have. You will also have to lose some weight through dieting to go along with the exercise. Losing weight will help BOTH of you. That I can promise.

4) It's wonderful that you can spend your time with your child (soon to be children), taking them out and about, but remember you have a JOB to do first. Only take them out and about after your work is done.

It is likely that your husband has some resentment built up because you have all of this free time to spend with the kid(s), things are not getting done around the house, and he's having to work all day only to come home to a house that is not in order, not to mention you have gained some weight.

Being a stay-at-home mom / housewife is not for everybody. If you can't do the above, I would suggest you have a talk with your husband about getting a job outside the home.

If you want your marriage to be a happy one, you will definitely have to make some changes.

Good luck!


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## ym96 (Feb 2, 2016)

Being a stay at home mom myself, I feel the need to chime in.
Yes it is just like a regular job, but at the same time, it is very emotionally draining because the only time you get a break is when you are asleep.
I love my son, but after spending day in and day out tending to him and the house, I start to feel less like a human and more like a robot.
Being a stay at home mom means no longer being an individual because you are spending your days caring for a family. Cooking, cleaning, feeding, bathing, entertaining. That's your cycle day in and day out.
After our son was born, I gained 70 pounds, then relapsed back into a eating disorder, losing 50 pounds within a month. I'm taking medicine for postpartum. My friends have abandoned me because they think I'm too busy. My parents and in laws think I just don't want to work when in reality we can't afford a baby sitter and they won't watch him while I work. 
My life doesn't exist anymore. I have no likes or dislikes anymore. My short term goals are to make it through the day, and my long term goals are to make it through the week.
But hey, as long as my husband is taken care of and my son is healthy, I'll continue this walk as long as I can. Someone has to do it. Might as well be me.

Sent from my SGH-T599N using Tapatalk


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ym96 said:


> Being a stay at home mom myself, I feel the need to chime in.
> Yes it is just like a regular job, but at the same time, it is very emotionally draining because the only time you get a break is when you are asleep.
> I love my son, but after spending day in and day out tending to him and the house, I start to feel less like a human and more like a robot.
> Being a stay at home mom means no longer being an individual because you are spending your days caring for a family. Cooking, cleaning, feeding, bathing, entertaining. That's your cycle day in and day out.


That is definitely the way it feels! Especially after birth. But it does not NEED to be. The biggest problem is that motivation has to come from within, where working outside of the home deadlines and work requirements come from without.

It is not too long after birth, Mom can start getting out and about. It is tough at first because you have to plow through the exhaustion. But eventually it greatly lessens the exhaustion to feel human again.

Routines and rewards are key. 



> After our son was born, I gained 70 pounds, then relapsed back into a eating disorder, losing 50 pounds within a month. I'm taking medicine for postpartum. My friends have abandoned me because they think I'm too busy.


That sucks. Are you SURE they are abandoning you or just think they are giving you space? Not criticizing, just asking.




> My parents and in laws think I just don't want to work when in reality we can't afford a baby sitter and they won't watch him while I work.
> My life doesn't exist anymore. I have no likes or dislikes anymore. My short term goals are to make it through the day, and my long term goals are to make it through the week.
> But hey, as long as my husband is taken care of and my son is healthy, I'll continue this walk as long as I can. Someone has to do it. Might as well be me.
> 
> Sent from my SGH-T599N using Tapatalk


Get thee to your GYN!


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