# Wife hates me going down on her



## wingman (Dec 1, 2014)

My wife likes oral sex during foreplay - but only with her sucking me. Yes I know, this is most guy's dream situation. But I am a reciprocal kind of guy and my wife knew from the beginning how much I liked going down on her and while she has never been a fan of it, she tolerated it in the first year. 
After we got married 2 years ago, we dropped the frequency of me going down on her less and less - no more than once a month. But recently she went on a tirade about how much pressure I put on her and how much she hated it. Her level of anger and resentment that has build up with this was shocking to me - especially with something that most women enjoy - and something that she participated in early in our relationship. In the past, I have asked her why she hated it and she just said it is not pleasant for her. 
After this last tirade, I told her I would respect her wish to not push her and she was relieved, but I am left with resentment. Any one else encounter this? Do I just forget about it and enjoy the rest of our sex life? (which is pretty good otherwise) How can I feel less resentment?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dunno, but for me, that would have been a deal breaker long ago. The fact that she can't communicate why she doesn't want you down there would also be troubling. But if the rest of your sex life (and telationship) is good, you'll just need to forget about it, I guess. 

C


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why do you feel resentment? You said she only tolerated oral during the first year of your relationship, so you were well aware she found this unpleasant. Is it so hard to respect her perspective even if you don't understand it?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

norajane said:


> Why do you feel resentment? You said she only tolerated oral during the first year of your relationship, so you were well aware she found this unpleasant. Is it so hard to respect her perspective even if you don't understand it?


It sounds to me from wingman wrote that he didn't realize she "tolerated" it until recently. If that's the case I can understand his frustration.

My wife is the same. Oral sex was a big part of our foreplay and I loved going down on her. But recently she doesn't like it. She says she's too sensitive. For me it's a huge problem since I enjoyed it so much. But as long as there are plenty of other things to do during foreplay, I can live with it (or without it, so to speak).


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## wingman (Dec 1, 2014)

Good question - I think the resentment is from the abruptness and anger with the tirade and the fact that she wont really talk about it. I have always been sensitive to her and I felt she treated me like an ogre. I question whether this tirade is really more driven by her guilt and if cutting it out completely will increase her sense of pressure on her. She also knows that I have compromised on several other fronts so she is concerned that she is 'starving me' sexually.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Although it does sound odd (and also some men's dream, lol!) I have firsthand experience with this, so I can perhaps understand where your wife is coming from.

My ex wife was hyper sensitive down there, specifically her clit. She could never get off by clitoral stimulation, it was simply too much and too uncomfortable. Oral sex (which I also love to give) consisted of using my tongue everywhere else, which was pleasurable, but did nothing for her in terms of reaching orgasm.

The only way she could orgasm was with a vibrator, and only when her outer labia (lip) was covering her clit, if that makes sense. Or if there was some sort of barrier (blanket, etc.) between the vibrator and her vagina.

So this is the likely issue. If she was able to communicate this to you properly, which it appears she has not, perhaps you'd be able to continue giving her oral, but avoid direct contact with her clit. This was my case, and we were both happy.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

While I certainly don't think all women should like some particular activity just because most do, there is a big difference between an activity that just doesn't really do it for you and one which you actually dislike.

I think you need to find out for certain if its something she finds unpleasant or if its that she'd rather you spend the time and effort doing something else instead. Either way it would be good to discuss and understand why exactly she dislikes it, so that it can help you learn how to do other things she may prefer better.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Another thing to consider:

While I wholeheartedly enjoy receiving oral, it takes me FOREVER to O. 

My BF alleges he truly enjoys giving me oral and I believe him. But I feel horrible for him while he's down there because all the while I'm thinking, come on, let's get to O fast so the poor man doesn't have to set up residence down south. I feel guilty and pressured when I can't get there.

Do you think that's what your wife means by 'pressure'? It takes all the fun out of it for me and frankly, I'd rather do without the oral entirely.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

wingman said:


> Good question - I think the resentment is from the abruptness and anger with the tirade and the fact that she wont really talk about it. I have always been sensitive to her and I felt she treated me like an ogre. I question whether this tirade is really more driven by her guilt and if cutting it out completely will increase her sense of pressure on her. She also knows that I have compromised on several other fronts so she is concerned that she is 'starving me' sexually.


Maybe her tirade came from feeling she wasn't "heard" before when she told you it was unpleasant for her. Maybe it comes from feeling she can't discuss this stuff openly without having to "defend" her feelings. I know that's when I'm most tempted to lash out...it's frustration more than anything else.

Do you two ever talk about what she does like and what you could do more of? Do you talk about what she does that you do like? Maybe time spent on positive sexual discussions can help when you have to talk about the more difficult (negative) aspects of your sex life.


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## wingman (Dec 1, 2014)

Good advice Lon - am trying this in a less direct (less confrontational manner) and we are taking inventory of all the things she and I do like to do together in bed. Probing the oral sex thing more at this point more directly at this point I fear might come across as me pressuring or questioning her.


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## wingman (Dec 1, 2014)

great advice norajane. thank you. already in progress.


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## wingman (Dec 1, 2014)

Lucy999 - I am familiar with your situation - how long it could take - my past relationships. But with my wife, the oral sex was only part of foreplay, not focused on orgasm. She hated it even it I did it gently for 30 seconds. For foreplay she much preferred me massaging her butt and inner thighs.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Seems there's plenty of women out there who wish we would just not do this. There really is no argument for "I don't like it", nor should there be.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

clean shaven face and frequent teeth brushing helps too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Something smells fishy - don't go there  

I say this because her unwillingness to communicate to you in a calm and collected fashion, and instead goes on a tirade, could mean that there may be some personal issues that pre-date your relationship with her.

I divorced my wife because we were in a sexless marriage in which she refused to even address any issues - including any on my side - that were causing her to not want sex. My resentment eventually gave way to indifference and ultimately divorce.


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## wingman (Dec 1, 2014)

What a great group of members on this site! The breadth, honesty and thoughtfulness of your responses to my post is very uplifting. It was very hard for me to post on such a private and sensitive area. I am very encouraged - thank you all for helping me be a better lover for my wonderful wife.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Wife hates me going down on her*



wingman said:


> What a great group of members on this site! The breadth, honesty and thoughtfulness of your responses to my post is very uplifting. It was very hard for me to post on such a private and sensitive area. I am very encouraged - thank you all for helping me be a better lover for my wonderful wife.


I guess we love talking sex, lol. A repressed society's only healthy outlet is through the relative anonymity of an internet forum!


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

I dated a guy when I was 19 who was terrible at going down. He flicked my clit, and it was just way, way too annoying. I stopped him each time and soon broke up with him. I must say I had no idea what I DID need being that I was relatively inexperienced. I only knew I didn't like it. So, had I married this guy, I am certain I would have become exactly like your wife. I probably would have complained that I was too sensitive down there. I didn't know any better but later learned it had nothing to do with being too sensitive and had everything to do with his technique.

The best lover I ever had (until I met my husband) was terrible at it. And yet, he liked going down. I always let him because it was neither pleasurable nor unpleasant for me. We got back together several years after breaking up and in that interim time, I was with someone who was great at it. When best lover and I got back together, I was able to coax him better because I had by then, thanks to interim boyfriend, learned more about my own body, so I was better able to communicate how it should be done.

In both those examples, I was the problem. I had willing and enthusiastic lovers but had no idea how to tell them what they were doing wrong, what they were NOT doing well, nor even tell them how to do it or how I liked it. All I knew was I didn't understand all the hoopla I'd always heard going down was all about. And because I didn't know or understand, any discussion on the subject made me awfully uncomfortable. Because I had no idea what to say or how to say it, I was embarrassed to talk about it. 

And something women never do is tell a guy he is terrible in bed or terrible at going down. But, you can rest assured that many, if not most, of the numerous complaints on these forums from the guys about their low drive wives are because of this. Their sex life is unfulfilling - if not annoying - to her, but she can't bring herself to say it and probably doesn't know her body well enough for them to fix it together. Instead, she'd rather avoid the deed and the conversation.

I have no idea of your technique, what you know and don't know, or what you do that your wife dislikes. I don't know if you are the greatest in the world at going down and she's just too sensitive. I only know there is a reason she doesn't like it. And I know it can be remedied. In trying to find the problem or the solution, you can't compare her to other women you've been with. Where your wife is concerned, it doesn't matter if others thought you were the greatest or how many times you brought them to orgasm. 

One possible remedy might be to improve your technique. That might mean laying off her clitoris. If you flick it with your tongue, that's just annoying. There are websites that teach you how to suck it by pursing your lips as if to whistle or as if sucking through a straw. Or, if her clitoris really is too sensitive, then focus instead on the sensitive area directly beneath it. You can bring her to orgasm that way too, or just stop flicking on her clit.

Another possible remedy is to ask her to talk with her doctor because there's a condition that causes oversensitivity by an unusual abundance of nerve endings. I can't think of the name but her gynecologist will know.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening wingman
she should not have phrased it nearly so negatively. If she doesn't like it - fine, just let you know. 

For me, I enjoy giving oral, but only because of my partner's reaction. I would have no interest in doing it to someone who didn't enjoy it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

CarlaRose said:


> I only know there is a reason she doesn't like it. And I know it can be remedied.


I do not believe that this statement is supportable. 

The reasons for women not wanting oral sex are as varied as the women whose opinions you're soliciting. Many have nothing to do with the technique of her lover.


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## wingman (Dec 1, 2014)

Cletus - I agree with you. 
CarlaRose - I have humbly read and studiously followed books on the subject of oral sex. At the same time, I have assumed that every woman is unique. I am in my 50's and far from a overly energetic lover. I learned to take cues from women, be attentive to their responses and am very cautious with stimulation of the clitoris . But in the case of my wife, she often has an aversion to me even placing a gentle kiss on her vulva - yet is aroused enough to have intercourse. Other times, I would tease her about wanting to go down on her - even just to kiss her lips. but she hated the prompting and it took its toll. Hard to pin point the reason for her aversion. But is has been helpful that she has brought it out in the open and helpful for me to hear what you and others have to say.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

You don't know if "Most women like it"

There was a thread about this subject and it was roughly 50/50. So lot of girls don't like it present company included.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Do I just forget about it and enjoy the rest of our sex life? (which is pretty good otherwise) Yes, she doesn't enjoy it, no reason to feel resentful. She isn't alone I have seen other posts from women who don't enjoy it.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

If she doesn't want you down there at all, she might be self-conscious. Many women are - it's not like we see a lot of lady parts to compare ourselves to. 
Simple, honest comments like "I love the way you taste" or "I think vaginas are beautiful" can go a long way.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Do I just forget about it and enjoy the rest of our sex life? (which is pretty good otherwise) Yes, she doesn't enjoy it, no reason to feel resentful. She isn't alone I have seen other posts from women who don't enjoy it.


That might be the answer, after you've exhausted all of the good advice here from others. 

I can't even get my wife to talk about it. It's so far out on the nasty scale for her that it doesn't even warrant discussion. At some point, you just have to shrug your shoulders and move on.


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## wingman (Dec 1, 2014)

Thanks you all. Helps a lot. Sorry if I was defensive in any of my replies. Wife is much happier now that we let the steam out. Will keep you posted. Keeping my head above the fifty yard line and life is good.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

You need to keep your chin up, dude.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I think my experience is different from a lot of what I am hearing here. I did used to love oral sex. But lately I seem to just have no interest in it. I have also started taking anti depressants. That makes it super hard to achieve "O"s. Could medication changes be a potential cause? 

I also have performance anxiety. I know that if my H doesn't make me cum then he is going to feel badly and inadequate that is tough to deal with. It puts a lot of pressure on me. For me "O"s just don't happen every time. My H doesn't understand that I can enjoy the trip there and hovering near the edge is ok. Going over the edge is not always necessary. Sometimes it is nice to but just hanging out at the edge of an "O" is fine. Especially if I have past the point of no return and it is NOT gonna happen. 

We also have other relationship issues and hurt feelings outside of the bed room. Do you guys see eye to eye pretty well outside of the bedroom or are there lingering issues that haunt you in the bedroom. 

Being receptive in that area is difficult for me when we are not totally on the same page and there are other resentments. I have to let go of my own resentment before I can allow him to go down on me again or "O"s will certainly not happen. Letting go of that resentment is my responsibility not his. 

You did mention that you are near 50 yrs old, so I assume your partner is to. She may very well be self conscious. A lot of things change down there as we get older. Smells, tastes, elasticity, attractiveness, it is a lot to deal with on your own, much less to expect someone else to deal with it. I am no spring chicken myself. I have been there first hand. 

Best of luck with this. Keep your lines of communication open and remain one another s best friend. Amazing things can happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Wife hates me going down on her


Then don't.


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