# what should i do now? get used to no sex?



## cerby (Nov 10, 2010)

Some backstory:
Been with my girl for 7 years, lived together for 3.
Aside from mood swings shes an awesome person to be with but its just feeling like a best friend thing now due to our sex life. We do have sex, once maybe a month. Sometimes id get oral or id get to give her oral (i love doing it to her) but its usually her who would playfully dismiss it and do something else. At first it was cute, i knew it was a signal that she didnt feel like it at the time but it was friendly. Now its freakin annoying. I respect her and the times we do have sex i try to romance her or be fun and creative.. but ultimately its up to her if she carrys through. We talked about it and she thinks she as an abnormally low libido, or mines too high.. either way she thinks its hers. 

I looked it up and did some research and it turns out birth control may lower the libido as a side effect or intended "birth control". I also showed her some articles about masturbation how it could improve her mood and sexuality. Now i did this before like a year ago and she was looking forward to it, picking dirty movies to help her through the "alone time" and was generally happy and horny. I loved it. Her getting off was like a drug to me just because i love knowing shes happy and i love knowing shes in a state of pleasure. But after the third session (she usually relaxed and masturbated after her workouts) she stopped getting her toys. She also stopped saying anything about it. Now i know i didnt expect her to masturbate everyday but i hoped she would enough to help our sex life. Eventually i asked her about it and she got offended and moody so i dropped it.

Year later i did the same thing, i talked to her again about it more serious as in i really feel we need to fix this. Im so sick of feeling like i have to beg for sex.. Its the only thing you can give to me in that special way and i dont feel that connection between us. She knew, she did say she still loves me immensely its just that she feels like she has a low libido. So once again she gave it a shot, trying to work up her libido. Again, few sessions then stopped.. moody and offended again when i asked why she hasnt done anything in like 2 weeks..

So as the days go im trying to shrug it off ya know, if i need to release ill look at porn but its not release im looking for, its the connection that you feel when your with that special someone you would die for. 

So i stand and look in the mirror in the bathroom and i think "okay, last shot" so i go up to my wife, flirt a bit, and suggestivly ask her to perform oral... so she starts, im happy and getting butterflys in my stomach.. thinking i may get to really love my wife tonight..

then it happens, i look down and notice she is watching the tv show she was watching before i came in.. while she was performing oral.. literally.. it was then that my heart broke, i felt this sinking feeling that that was it. that is officially the last time i ever try anything again. So, to not hurt her feelings, i playfully said to go ahead and watch your show, and she did.. wether she felt bad or not i dono but nothing was spoken about it.

[at that time she knew our sex life is kind of in trouble so she started doing things for me not for us. in other words, their were times i knew she didnt feel like it but did it just to please me. its nice and all but its so painfully obvious she doesnt want it at the time (shes admitted it) that its not fun. she was making love she was doing me a favor..that time i talk about was like the last time for me]

i honestly think that was the last straw for me, im not a quitter but damn did that hurt, right in the center ya know? like its official, i lost my wife and gained a best friend.

i know im not gonna live like this, id rather be alone then be in a relationship that has no deep connection like that. i know it will hurt, i know it will be scary being back on the dating scene, but ive never officially had to look, i met every single relationship out of coincidence.. i like it like that.. its kind of a ticking time bomb. i just dont know what to do anymore..


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't think you want to become a monk.

My only advice,

She needs to marry a man who doesn't need sex. 

And you need to find a woman who at least can give your a normal life. 

How old are you? 

If you are young, 30's or 40's, run away as soon as possible!


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Hormonal birth control pills definitely can lower libido AND cause mood swings, which are the two problems you listed.

Has she tried switching pills before? Sometimes just trying a few different brands is all it takes to find the right one with the fewest side effects.

If that doesn't work, then unfortunately she might just have a bad reaction to the pill in general, and you'll have to start asking yourselves a few questions. Should she stop the pill and hope that her libido comes back and her mood swings go away? Or could you live like that for another few years until you're ready for kids? Would you be willing to switch back to condoms if it meant better and more regular sex? Are there other methods you could look into together?

I was on the pill for a year and a half and it WRECKED me...I mean I had these crazy mood swings and horrible anxiety, and normally I was a very easy going person. My libido also suffered but not as much as your wife's. I switched around brands of pills for a while but all of them gave me those bad side effects. Eventually I stopped and now everything in my relationship is so much better! The pill was very effective and convenient, but it wasn't worth all the stress. I would ask your wife to talk to her doctor and see if she can try a different brand or maybe even a different method of contraception.

It's not worth leaving her until you do something to try to fix the problem! And that includes getting her AWAY from pills that can mess with her mind and body in bad ways.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

May I suggest the nuva ring?
It has really low dosage of hormone and is absorbed transdermally, so it doesn't mess w/ your head as much.
I had simmilar problems for years w/ mood swings from several different pills....and I am allergic to latex. Birth control has always been difficult for me so I gotta chime in and vote for the ring. It's great, and I don't have those problems any more.


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## cerby (Nov 10, 2010)

She actually stopped taking the pills like about 2 months ago. She hasnt taken any birth control since then. I dont even know if i can leave her.. just the years of not really feeling that connection kind of just grew on me.. 




lime said:


> Hormonal birth control pills definitely can lower libido AND cause mood swings, which are the two problems you listed.
> 
> Has she tried switching pills before? Sometimes just trying a few different brands is all it takes to find the right one with the fewest side effects.
> 
> ...


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## cerby (Nov 10, 2010)

I think monks have it easy, they love everything and everyone and have no need for a sexual connection. Im 26.. been with her my entire 20's.. i literally missed out on the "hey dude come party with us we know these hot chicks" phase for her, shes pretty much all i have 




greenpearl said:


> I don't think you want to become a monk.
> 
> My only advice,
> 
> ...


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## cerby (Nov 10, 2010)

Am i wrong or perveted for wanting to have that type of connection? Like literally want to make "love" not just sex? Or is "love" for guys just sex and its just my internal need to procreate? I feel bad about this from time to time just cause i think "its just me bein a guy thats not gettin any"


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Nope. You are not wrong at all. Sex is a part of us. For some love and sex are perceived as the same thing. Others think they are two different things. What's clear is that sex plays a big role in the connection between two spouses. I personally think it's more of a mental need than a physical one. If we don't feel a proper sexual connection is there we're simply not comfortable in the relationship (maybe it has to do with procreation, maybe we subconsciously think we're with a wrong person that won't give us offspring but doesn't matter that much. We're better off simplifying and accepting sex is important for a marriage). 

You can :

a. go on the long journey of figuring out why she's not into sex which can turn out risky because she may just have a low drive. Or you may be too much of a nice guy and she may want a bad boy (in this case read all the nice guy/man up etc posts see if anything fits). There are plenty of reasons for why this can happen. 

b. Decide it's too difficult, you're young and you can move on to the next relationship.

I relate to much of what you said except my husband is the one who claims he has a low drive. I'd be lying if i said that things haven't improved a lot in the past two years, including sex and our relationship as a whole (but those two years sometimes felt like some serious work and investigation when i spent a lot of time being "sherlock holmes" and reading up on anything that could make him be uninterested in sex, gathering puzzle pieces, putting them together, sometimes reaching the wrong answer, starting all over again. Then again, i could never accept the idea of divorcing him or living my life without him, i can't cheat either (so that was clearly not an option) and i accepted the fact that i greatly contributed to the situation (long story). Figuring things out and trying to make them better - that was the only option for me. 

Having said that, no it's not acceptable that you not get any. It's not particularly normal either.


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## cerby (Nov 10, 2010)

Thanks, that made me feel better. When i first met her i was really hoping that i wouldnt have to make the A and B decision but you're right.. even though i never considered myself a "too nice" guy im gonna check it out anyway.. i think this decision is gonna take time, i wish it didnt have to and it was as easy as saying goodbye or not but.. i dono i feel "exhausted" emotional wise ya know? like ive been trying for so very long, like you going all sherlok holmes trying different things and its just such a big hit to the self esteem, so emotionally exhausting that i really think i need to take it slow and decide very carefully..

any tips on what to do in the mean time? or should i say, tips on how to coupe with being in this type of relationship if i do decide to stay together?




Nekko said:


> Nope. You are not wrong at all. Sex is a part of us. For some love and sex are perceived as the same thing. Others think they are two different things. What's clear is that sex plays a big role in the connection between two spouses. I personally think it's more of a mental need than a physical one. If we don't feel a proper sexual connection is there we're simply not comfortable in the relationship (maybe it has to do with procreation, maybe we subconsciously think we're with a wrong person that won't give us offspring but doesn't matter that much. We're better off simplifying and accepting sex is important for a marriage).
> 
> You can :
> 
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> any tips on what to do in the mean time? or should i say, tips on how to coupe with being in this type of relationship if i do decide to stay together?


Change your focus to elements of your life outside of the relationship.

Both of you have become complacent. She's fine with no sex. And your not having sex isn't enough to make you challenge or leave the relationship.

So ... stop catering to the relationship hoping that she will give you what she isn't giving you. Start conducting your life for you.
Rediscover hobbies or interests. Importantly - spend time out of the home, and away from her. Be absent. The goal isn't to pi$$ her off. The goal is to rebuild your sense of self - completely apart from the relationship and rediscovering personal satisfaction with your life.

If she challenges your efforts to change the status quo - and she probably will, be prepared to address your choices - but don't DISCUSS them. This is about you, not her. If she wants you to accompany her someplace on a Sunday afternoon, and you have plans to meet guy friends, play hockey, or stalk, hunt and kill a Grizzly ... it doesn't matter, don't break your plans. 

The point of the exercise is to become less dependent upon your relationship for feeling fulfilled. It isn't about snubbing your wife - people seem to have a hard time with that distinction, despite the fact that you currently are 'present' with your wife - and she's snubbing you anyway.

Rediscovering your independence and confidence will ultimately accomplish one of two things - it will throw the current relationship dynamic out of whack, possibly reigniting your spouses investment and interest in the marriage, or it will become clear to one of you that this simply isn't working. Either way, you will be better prepared to handle the outcome - regardless of what the outcome is.

Get your 'fire in the belly' back. You may be surprised by the results. That's what you should do in the meantime ...


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Deejo's advice is sound.

if you take sex off the table for a while and concentrate on yourself, you will be able to take control of your own situation. 

You're not married, I assume there's no kids and you're young... no reason you can't start over.


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## MCL865 (Dec 14, 2010)

This seems like the most common complaint I here from all guys. I am a man BTW and feel your frustrtation too. When i am out with guys, they all talk about how their spouse's sex drive is low or non-existant.

IMO..The seems to be no happy ending to this situation. If you pressure into sex it is not really enjoyable and then I always would get a guilt trip laid on me. If you leave her or cheat you will be labled a pig.

I have no clue..Could use some help with this myself.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Deejo's advice is great. I'll have to start following it too. 
@MCL865 Really? I'm on the other side of the camp. I hear a lot of complaints from women that their men aren't interested, too tired with work, too lazy, too busy. 

There is a happy ending to any situation. The problem is when you're looking for solutions the easy and efficient one is usually the last you think of. When our spouses don't want to we either nag and demand, ignore and hope it gets better or become desperate and beg. None of these things makes us more attractive and interesting. Quite the contrary, they further turn off our spouses


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

cerby said:


> Am i wrong or perveted for wanting to have that type of connection? Like literally want to make "love" not just sex?


He** No, you are a GOOD guy! She is blessed, but is not realizing it at all, she is taking you for granted. You have probably let her do this. (My husband LET me for many years). 

You probably fall into the "Nice Guy Syndrome" - which is all brilliantly explained in this book Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books Buy it today, understand where you have been missing it, you will learn to be more assertive & honest before her. If changing yourself in these days does not = a better marraige for you and her, you will probably need to leave her, because your happiness IS important. As it should be.

If you never plan on kids, or not for years to come & are seeking a Non-hormonal birth control, I recommend the Copper IUD (most docs perfer you have had at least one child 1st but my aunt never had a child & she used it for yrs, had it taken out and got pregnant in her 40's, so some Docs will still do it.) I LOVE mine, best thing we ever did for our sex life. http://www.paragard.com/home.php


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Deejo's advice is sound.
> 
> if you take sex off the table for a while and concentrate on yourself, you will be able to take control of your own situation.
> 
> You're not married, I assume there's no kids and you're young... no reason you can't start over.


:iagree: The OP is much too young to go with out sex.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Oh god I'm glad I read this post... my relationship has just split for many reasons but one of them was the lack of libido from him , yes him.. just not interested living like a nun and only four years in , prob had proper full sex about 5 times in 4 years.

I too need the deep conection but when one isn't thinking of cuddles then the other feels lost and alone as it just never happened. At least you are doing the right thing and thinking of ending it in search for a new love life rather than having an affair and keeping this one too . good luck to you mate x


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I think we have similar issue. Unfortunatedly, it's more difficult for men to resolve issues with woman who has a low sex drive. 
There are many factors to make woman feel less horny. The sexual desires increase when they reached their 30s and 40s.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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