# confused - i think he cheated



## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

This is my first time posting on any sites - i'm hoping to get any opinions as I am very lost and confused. My husband of 12 years and together for 20 years has recently changed. About a 1-2 yrs ago, my husband started to withdraw from me sexually. he also started to go out late with his work colleagues and some of the people who joined him were women he knew from work (all singles). he never included me in any event from work regardless of the fact that I always wanted him to be part of my work life. he would come home late with no regard to me and our young children. we often fought about this, but most of the time he was drunk so he would say mean words to me . His late nights out would be anywhere from coming home from 3-5am. One day, i blew up and asked him to leave if he wanted to continue living a "singles" life. He apologized and said he wouldn't do this again. He did continue this and is still doing this right now, Last summer, I read his text messages and found his friend was trying to set him up with his mistress. It was odd and the content of the text messages were extremely vulgar. I don't understand why his cheating friend wanted to set him up with his mistress. why would he want to share her?? I confronted him about this recently and he said his cheating friend was just joking. 
The same friend works with him and my husband went on a work trip with him (just the two of them). I found out recently that the friends mistress joined them with her friend who slept in the same room as my husband. He never told me this... i managed to find out on my own. He denied this for months but I did find out the truth on my own, so he had no choice but to admit it. He now denies anything sexual happened between them. I do not believe him. I feel betrayed. I have been a loyal wife - I do everything for him and have been told I do too much. He has led a wonderful life as he has had the freedom to do anything, travel anywhere and anytime and I do almost all the running around with our children while I also have a very demanding career. I don't know what to do... we are in counselling but I'm not sure what this will accomplish. I also found other text messages on his phone with another single woman texting him odd messages at 2-4:30am.I am torn... i do not trust him and now i am afraid - i don't know what to do. I don't know how other men and women in these situations keep it together. Am i crazy to believe that something sexual happened?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Sorry you are here.
Yes I would be concerned. 

why does he never want you at work functions? Why did this woman sleep in his room?

I think it is time to set some boundaries with him, and be strong when you give them to him and hold your ground.

It is ridicules that he feels he can live a single life when he is married and has children, I would not put up with it. You should probably get tested for any std's because no telling who he slept with, and who the other woman/women have slept with.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nope, you're not crazy at all.

He's cheating.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

thank you. i have been tested and thankfully i am clean. he keeps telling me that he is not like the "others"... like those who cheat. i appreciate the blunt opinions. i am afraid to see the truth and have no one i can talk to about this because everyone loves us as a couple. i even thought we were the perfect couple. I am happy that i can get unbiased opinions here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Couldn't finish.

How come he is hanging out with cheaters?

Copy the text about the mistress and send it to the cheater's wife.

I don't know where to start.

Your marriage is toast.

He is 99% probably cheating and 100% acting like a moron and crapping on you and your children!

How much are you willing to endure?

Very sorry he is doing this to you but hope you find the strength to end his disrespectful and abusive behavior of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

thank you! i am currently in couples and therapy just for myself. I cannot believe i am in this situation and even up late nights typing this. I never imagined he would do this to me... i though we were perfect, but i realize there is no such thing and perfection requires work from both partners. I really appreciate the honest opinions - thank you! i hope to get the strength to stand up for myself


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You can do it. Believe it.

You and your children need better treatment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

If it smells like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. I am amazed at how naive many wives are. I work and come straight home afterwards. If I am out with the boys, my wife knows where I am simply by looking at her iPhone. A little healthy distrust goes a long way these days. I have dated married women in my youth. They were very good at cheating. They found lots of time to be with me because their spouses beleived everything they said or were turning a blind eye to what was obvious but which was not wanted to be known.

I never spent a night in a room with a woman and not had sex with her. The first time I had a good looking girl sit down next to me on a plane, we got drunk and played with each other under a blanket. No matter what is going on, try not to be the wife who doesn't want to believe their husband is cheating and grasps at anything they can, no matter how lame, to believe because the alternative is not wanted. Good luck and remember that a person's past behavior is a good indicator of their future behavior. Adults do not change.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I suspect he and his friend shared the mistress. They've probably done this perhaps with other women on many occasions. Very likely at the same time.

Copy and send everything to the guys wife. Great way to get this guy out of your husband's life.

Since he works with him he should get a new job as well. 

He also needs to cut out the alcohol.

This all assumes you want to remain with him. Probably more trouble than it's worth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's what you do.

Back up his phone and the computer. Get access to everything you can - email, facebook, everything.

Throw him out of the house or at least the bedroom if he won't leave.

Stop having sex with him, obviously. Talk to a lawyer.

Yup, he's cheating. Yup, he knows you know. Yup, he thinks you'll stay anyway.

Will you?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Did I read correctly that he went away with the friend, the friend's mistress, and the mistress' friend and that your H stayed in a room with the mistress' friend?

If so, there's zero chance that he's not cheating. If I misread, it just means the difference between 99% certainty and 100% certainty.

He is checked out. You know only the tip of the iceberg. Find an attorney and start getting your ducks in line.

I'm sorry. It's time for you to 'wake up and smell the coffee.' Protect yourself and your children.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

WishingWell. 

Let's put the boot on the other foot. . . 
Imagine you're living the single life, preventing H from meeting the (single) colleagues you go drinking with, you've been leaving him alone with the kids and come back late at night - up to 5:00am - drunk. A cheating girlfriend has tried to set you up with a friend of her AP and you have shared a hotel room with him (bizarre). There are vulgar texts on your phone and even recently a guy has been sending you odd texts at 2:00-4:00am? H runs the household, looks after the kids and also has a demanding career. All this has been going on for two years and you have distanced yourself sexually. 

Now what would your husband think of all that? What would he do? Interesting isn't it. 

Would you have married him if you knew he was going to turn into such a**h***. 

Get all your financials together, bring them to the best lawyer in town and have him write up a divorce to go after H's sorry ass. 
Give them to him without warning. 
He's not a husband or father. He's a single guy who happens to be living with a family.

What's worst of al is that he is trashing you and your kids.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

thank you for your opinions. yes.. you read this correctly. i am a fool as I am the one who booked his flight. i have been thinking of a way to get this guy out of his life...i want to send it to his wife, but i feel like i will be breaking up her family and she has two children with him. i'm disgusted with all of this and overwhelmed. he has begged me to believe him - but everyone is right... i dont know why i even doubted that he cheated.


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## weltschmerz (Feb 18, 2016)

wishingwell said:


> thank you for your opinions. yes.. you read this correctly. i am a fool as I am the one who booked his flight. i have been thinking of a way to get this guy out of his life...i want to send it to his wife, but i feel like i will be breaking up her family and she has two children with him. i'm disgusted with all of this and overwhelmed. he has begged me to believe him - but everyone is right... i dont know why i even doubted that he cheated.


You should show the ****** no mercy. He didn't spare a thought about your family with his meddling. I don't see why you should either. 

We want to believe that our spouses will never let us down, that they're the best. That's what blinds you and me about what they really did. He's begging you to believe him because he's afraid, afraid of the truth.

I doubted my own eyes believe it or not. So much so that one of the chaps here called me out on it. That's when I sort of realised that there was this internal bargaining happening in my brain between what I saw and what I wanted to believe. 

Stay strong.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Expose your husband, your husband's friend, and the mistress to the friend's wife and your family. Bust your husband. They are having a threesome. Don't fall for your husband's lies.

See an attorney to protect your rights. Your husband is lying to you. You are tormented. This will not stop. Make sure that this friend of your husband is out of your life. I'm really sorry that you are here.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

wishingwell said:


> thank you for your opinions. yes.. you read this correctly. i am a fool as I am the one who booked his flight. i have been thinking of a way to get this guy out of his life...i want to send it to his wife, but i feel like i will be breaking up her family and she has two children with him. i'm disgusted with all of this and overwhelmed. he has begged me to believe him - but everyone is right... i dont know why i even doubted that he cheated.




Would you want her to tell you if you were in the dark?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Roselyn said:


> Expose your husband, your husband's friend, and the mistress to the friend's wife and your family. Bust your husband. They are having a threesome. Don't fall for your husband's lies.
> 
> See an attorney to protect your rights. Your husband is lying to you. You are tormented. This will not stop. Make sure that this friend of your husband is out of your life. I'm really sorry that you are here.




Foursome, two girls were there.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

I'm sorry. He is cheating. ..... stay strong sister. You deserve better than this selfish man.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Only you can say when enough is enough, but here are some things to consider.

1.	Consult with an attorney, you don’t have to file, but you need to know you legal rights.
2.	Develop a plan on reconciliation that he must do. You need to practice what you will say, so that you don’t get overly emotional.
a.	Access and passwords to devices and media
b.	Attend couples counseling
c.	Get STD test to prove he is clean
d.	Confess to his transgressions and perform acts of contrition.​3.	Develop a plan for child visitation, finance, etc in case things get worse. It is always better to have a plan, it will give you the upper hand in negotiations. 
4.	I recommend opening a new bank account just in your name. Don’t do anything but throw a couple bucks in it, but it would be available if you need to move funds quickly. 
5.	Boys night out are over, if you can’t do it together, you don’t do it….period.
6.	End relationship with cheating frat boy friend, birds of a feather flock together.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

wishingwell said:


> thank you. i have been tested and thankfully i am clean. he keeps telling me that he is not like the "others"... like those who cheat. i appreciate the blunt opinions. i am afraid to see the truth and have no one i can talk to about this because everyone loves us as a couple. i even thought we were the perfect couple. I am happy that i can get unbiased opinions here.


If he ever says this again tell him "you are because your acting like one", if he disputes it tell him married men don't share hotels with women other than their wives, but cheaters do. 

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, it's sure as hell not an elephant. 

I'm so sorry your here, please get some counseling because it sounds like your husband is gaslighting you and it can come close to costing you your sanity.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

wishingwell said:


> thank you for your opinions. yes.. you read this correctly. i am a fool as I am the one who booked his flight. i have been thinking of a way to get this guy out of his life...i want to send it to his wife, but i feel like i will be breaking up her family and she has two children with him. i'm disgusted with all of this and overwhelmed. he has begged me to believe him - but everyone is right... i dont know why i even doubted that he cheated.


How would you feel if she came down with an STD, or god forbid Aids and you knew he was cheating? Or his mistress got pregnant? Your not destroying her family, he's doing that on his own .What you will be doing is empowering her to make an informed decision, just like you are.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady. 

Your husband is cheating on you and your kids. Get rid of him and find yourself a better man.
A good husband and father would never do it,he should feel ashamed of himself.


Someone told you that you are doing to much for him and your marriage. I have the same opinion and only after reading your Four posts.

His "FRIENDS" and single women are more important to him then his family.
He is looking and searching for a single life,going to trips without you,such a fool (sorry).

Also you said you are talking with a therapist,but what about him ??? I think he needs the one and maybe two of them.

Talk with your lawyer and see your rights about children,money,house...
Dont fall into depresion,he is not worth it. Spend your time with your kids,close friend,family.

Stay strong my Lady and take care.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

wishingwell said:


> i have been thinking of a way to get this guy out of his life...i want to send it to his wife, but i feel like i will be breaking up her family and she has two children with him.


Cheaters basically set their own house on fire and hope no one sees it and that they can keep it under control. 
The person who sees it and shouts "Fire" is not responsible if the house burns down.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

thank you everyone. i have to find the strength to do all of this and especially to expose his friend. Its true that I would want anyone to tell me the truth. I am afraid to be without him and feel horrible that the kids will go through this. I thought it would be best to live this out for the kids, but i now realize this is not the right option because I will feel horrible all the time. My gut told me he cheated which is why I looked at his cell phone last year and found the vulgar text messages... He swears he did not cheat, but why would he ever admit it? i really appreciate all this advise.. thank you all!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wishingwell said:


> thank you. i have been tested and thankfully i am clean. he keeps telling me that he is not like the "others"... like those who cheat. i appreciate the blunt opinions. i am afraid to see the truth and have no one i can talk to about this because everyone loves us as a couple. i even thought we were the perfect couple. I am happy that i can get unbiased opinions here.


Sorry you find yourself in this place, it is heartbreaking but you need to rise up and be strong, for yourself and your kids, you can and will do this.
he is lying, do not believe a word that comes from his lips, you would have never known about the OW accompanying them on the trip from him, he is gaslighting and trickle truthing you. Take the control back. I know your heart is hurting but what you do now is important. You are emotional so do not have to make any decisions right now but how you handle this new information and him is important.

1. You have to let your family and friends know what he has done, this creates accountability and the inability of the WS to start rewriting what happened in the past
2. Get yourself some IC, you will need it. If MC is not working for you, stop going, show him that you are putting yourself first
3. Get a lawyer and see what your rights are, scare the daylights out of your H and draw up the papers
4. You have to sit down and draw up boundaries ( I find myself after almost 24 years of marriage in a bad place because I never set boundaries). His drinking should be a deal breaker, his coming home so late another deal breaker.Threaten him and follow through.
5. If you are the type of woman who needs to know everything, you tell him this and then get a lie detector test done. You tell him if you catch him out in one more lie it will be automatic divorce. 
You cannot live with a man who mistreats you and minimises what he has done, it will destroy you. If you play your cards right now, maybe you can save this, if YOU want to.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wishingwell said:


> thank you for your opinions. yes.. you read this correctly. i am a fool as I am the one who booked his flight. i have been thinking of a way to get this guy out of his life...i want to send it to his wife, but i feel like i will be breaking up her family and she has two children with him. i'm disgusted with all of this and overwhelmed. he has begged me to believe him - but everyone is right... i dont know why i even doubted that he cheated.


You will be doing her a favour, expose, expose expose, this $hit only survives in darkness, pour light in on it and blow them both out of the water, they both deserve a good roasting, stand firm and expose! Let all friends, family, colleagues know what is going on, let them spend the next year doing damage control, your WH and his W friend.
Your Wh will try and blame you for exposure, tell him if he can't take the heat then he should have stayed out of the kitchen and he deserves it for destroying your marriage, families, etc. Cheaters will never take responsibility.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How could he share his mistress with your husband?

Because he doesn't respect his mistress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your advice and replies. I do not know how I will find the strength to move forward and expose him. I feel like I will be breaking my family apart - and have the most sympathy for my children who do not deserve this. I have been "playing happy family" for months now since I found out and feel horrible about all of this. Thank you however for the strong advice... I cannot believe that I actually had doubt that nothing happened...


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Whether he cheated or not, you are in an abusive relationship. Torturing you emotionally by being out until 5AM with single and cheating partiers, then "saying not nice things" when he comes home drunk?

Get yourself and your kids out of that situation before you do any exposing. Document now, a little. But get out.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

wishingwell said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice and replies. I do not know how I will find the strength to move forward and expose him. I feel like I will be breaking my family apart - and have the most sympathy for my children who do not deserve this. I have been "playing happy family" for months now since I found out and feel horrible about all of this. Thank you however for the strong advice... I cannot believe that I actually had doubt that nothing happened...


Kids can be perfectly fine in all varieties of home arrangements. I've been reading a bunch of studies lately, and the factor that seems to be far more important than intact/divorced is whether they have to spend time with a troubled parent (neglectful, abusive, substance problems, personality disorders, etc).

So bad on that, I would look at a potential split as less of a danger to your children than a net positive.. less exposure to heavy drinking, screaming at 5AM, etc etc. How you handle a situation like this will set an example for how they will set their boundaries in the future, as well. What would you want your children to do if this was their marriage?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so very sorry. Cheaters SUCK. It's a horrible thing that your husband is doing to you and your kids!

I've been in your situation twice. First when my daughter was 4 months old and I also had a 2 yr old and 4 yr old. I left my cheating first husband finally - FINALLY - after many years. Just packed up the kids and left. No job, nothing, but I had to.

Then in 2010 I found my second husband cheating. You can read about that thru the link in my sig if you want. This time, I kicked his a$$ OUT the very same day I found out.

So as you can see I don't put up with this kind of bullsh!t whatsoever, and I do not think anyone else should either.

As for breaking up your family - excuse me, but did YOU cheat? No? Well then why the hell do YOU want to take the blame for breaking up the family?? Where in your marriage vows does it say that you are required to put up with absolutely anything from your husband in order to stay married?? That's bull. HE is the one breaking up the family. Get MAD at him because this is all, 100%, every single bit on HIM.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wishingwell said:


> One day, i blew up and asked him to leave if he wanted to continue living a "singles" life. He apologized and said he wouldn't do this again. He did continue this and is still doing this right now,


So you told him to leave if he didn't stop going out, but he continued to go out anyway?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wishing well, he may also have a drinking problem. Go get a lawyer , present him with divorce papers, pack his $hit and leave it outside the door. WH has no respect for you or his family. Do not let this go, you will end up with years of pain. Act decisively now.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

thank you... i don't know how some of you left your spouse. I'm an idiot to still stay with him and somehow lacking courage in leaving him... maybe its the guilt I feel for breaking up a marriage and the reaction my children will have, including our family. We are currently living together in separate bedrooms and my children have not yet figured it out... they just think that I"m allowing my younger son to sleep with us and so my husband then just goes to sleep in my son's room. We try to act normal, but nothing is normal... i feel there are more secrets and I probably will never find out what those secrets are. His phone is now glued to him and when I get a moment to peak, I notice its clean everyday when he comes home (he's deleted anything i would not want to see). I will continue reading posts in here to see how different people have managed to have the courage to leave... I'm 45 and feeling really old and vulnerable and still overwhelmed by all of this... thanks for all the advise!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get some emotional support sweetheart.

You are a treasure.

You are worthy of love and commitment.

You need help. Please reach out to trusted friends and family that will support you.

You shouldn't have to go through this alone.

I'm actually crying now!

See what you did?

Ruining my hard ass reputation!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

thank you. your words have helped me and i think i will follow this advice for sure. so far only my sister knows whats going on (i know my husband has spoken to his friends). he also has told me he will not let me go and will fight for us... problem is that i'm not up for a knight in shining armour... i just want to be myself again. thank you for your advice..emotional support is really what may give me the strength to move forward.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why haven't you called his parents and told them what he's doing?


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

I am embarrassed to call his parents. They love both of us so much - this would crush them and I honestly feel guilty destroying everything. Same with my mom... she loves him and so much respect for him. We have been together for 20 years and the family just loves us as a couple. This is something no one would expect and I'm afraid of hurting them also.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your not the one that destroyed everything dear girl. You need the support around you right now. Talk with your family and friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wishingwell said:


> I am embarrassed to call his parents. They love both of us so much - this would crush them and I honestly feel guilty destroying everything. Same with my mom... she loves him and so much respect for him. We have been together for 20 years and the family just loves us as a couple. This is something no one would expect and I'm afraid of hurting them also.


You will not hurt his parents. He will be doing that. 

You haven't broken up your family. He will be doing that. 

And 45 Is not old, by the way. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I doubt they are fragile butterflies. They have been through far more than you two have. Tell them. It might help change him. Do it for him.

I would be pissed if my daughter or DIL didn't tell me what was going on.

My guess is the truth is closer to that you don't want HIM mad at YOU.


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## Bitteratwomen (Jun 21, 2014)

hes a horrible person. I hate cheaters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wishingwell said:


> I am embarrassed to call his parents. They love both of us so much - this would crush them and I honestly feel guilty destroying everything. Same with my mom... she loves him and so much respect for him. We have been together for 20 years and the family just loves us as a couple. This is something no one would expect and I'm afraid of hurting them also.


You should tell all of them, he is the guilty one, a good reality check might do him the world of good and get some much needed support for you. His infidelity only thrives in darkness expose it, it will also make him more accountable. You should not be carrying his burden!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

wishingwell said:


> thank you... i don't know how some of you left your spouse. I'm an idiot to still stay with him and somehow lacking courage in leaving him... maybe its the guilt I feel for breaking up a marriage and the reaction my children will have, including our family. We are currently living together in separate bedrooms and my children have not yet figured it out... they just think that I"m allowing my younger son to sleep with us and so my husband then just goes to sleep in my son's room. We try to act normal, but nothing is normal... i feel there are more secrets and I probably will never find out what those secrets are. His phone is now glued to him and when I get a moment to peak, I notice its clean everyday when he comes home (he's deleted anything i would not want to see). I will continue reading posts in here to see how different people have managed to have the courage to leave... I'm 45 and feeling really old and vulnerable and still overwhelmed by all of this... thanks for all the advise!!


Honey, pay attention when you start reading all of the threads. You'll notice many men and women thiought just like you. It was all their fault, they could have done more, it is scary to be alone and what about the kids. Heck, many defended their spouses who were actually worse than yours.

The ones you see as brave now, where in the same place as you when they first found out. You are not an idiot, you were not ready for your world to implode. 

Do not beat yourself up for loving someone, this doesn't make you an idiot. Being scared to start over is not being an idiot. Worrying about your kids and family doesn't make you an idiot. You are not an idiot, you are just scared and that is okay. Just don't let the fear paralyze you into inaction.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

turnera said:


> I doubt they are fragile butterflies. They have been through far more than you two have. Tell them. It might help change him. Do it for him.
> 
> I would be pissed if my daughter or DIL didn't tell me what was going on.
> 
> My guess is the truth is closer to that you don't want HIM mad at YOU.


yes.. that is true. I think I don't want him mad at me. I am seeing my counsellor with him this week. I don't know how to approach the subject nor do i know if i can go through it next week, but i am considering a temporary separation until i can wrap my head around all of this. Last week we fought and I told him that "i cannot accept his reasoning that he did not cheat and that he did not sleep with her in despite the fact they slept in the same room - and that even if he didn't, he still slept in the same room and wined and dined another woman"... he told me he didn't care anymore if i couldn't accept it. This attitude leaves me no choice but to do something... but your comment above is true. I don't want him MAD at me... this would embarrass him in front of his family, community and friends and of course he will blame me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So?


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

maybe i'll start by confiding to his brother. We are very close and he only knows we have problems but has no idea what those problems are. I honestly don't have the guts yet to go to his or my parents...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Which is exactly why he is remorseless.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The brother doesn't sound like a good idea on the surface.

Go to your folks unless your relationship with them is unhealthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stop being so chicken.

Good grief.

No wonder you're being trashed on. You're being a wuss.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

Hi. I originally posted on this thread 1 year ago... the end of my post I wrote:

The same friend works with him and my husband went on a work trip with him (just the two of them). I found out recently that the friends mistress joined them with her friend who slept in the same room as my husband. He never told me this... i managed to find out on my own. He denied this for months but I did find out the truth on my own, so he had no choice but to admit it. He now denies anything sexual happened between them. I do not believe him. I feel betrayed. I have been a loyal wife - I do everything for him and have been told I do too much. He has led a wonderful life as he has had the freedom to do anything, travel anywhere and anytime and I do almost all the running around with our children while I also have a very demanding career. I don't know what to do... we are in counselling but I'm not sure what this will accomplish. I also found other text messages on his phone with another single woman texting him odd messages at 2-4:30am.I am torn... i do not trust him and now i am afraid - i don't know what to do. I don't know how other men and women in these situations keep it together*******
*******************************
After this post, i trusted my husband somewhat because he swore so much that he never cheated. I gave him a chance to work on our marriage. we went for couples therapy and he has always told me he never cheated, that he is not one of those horrible husbands who would have cheated. However, during our year of trying to recover, we were rarely intimate. Giving me any affection seemed to be a task for him and not natural. I felt like a neglected puppy trying to be loved by its owners... that feeling was degrading. He was often rude especially when he drank too much alcohol. he mocked me and always swore at me for no reason. He didnt trust me which was odd as I've never shown any sign of infidelity. Because we have three children I decided to work it out despite this behaviour, however, not fully trusting him. I did some of my own investigative work recently and learned he did in fact cheat on me. He finally admitted it last week when i told him i knew without a doubt that he cheated. 
I asked him to leave the house which he did and is staying in a hotel. The kids do not know.. they think he's out working late after and leaving early for work the next morning. He comes home for dinner with them or I've asked him to pick up the kids to remove any doubt and then he will leave when they are sometimes asleep. We cannot continue this charade.. Ofcourse he is begging to forgive him. I cant forgive and I am seeking out to others how you have managed to forgive and actually move on? i have zero trust. I am completely mortified. I never expected this... we were the "perfect" couple. I have been a very loyal and supportive wife. I work full time and 95% do everything with our three children. I have been trusting (dumb of me) and supportive in every way possible. Now I am conflicted with my morals in even considering staying with him. I know I will potentially live a lonely life once my children have completed school. I am also worried about my children going through a divorce. I've been beating myself up everyday and depressed beyond words. I am not even sure why I am babbling so much on this post, but I guess looking for advice on whether there is any point in moving forward with a non faithful husband or the challenges of moving on alone... Also, wondering on the self blame? asking the cheaters out there... "did your faithful spouse do something to deserve the pain you've inflicted on them?"
thank you for your advice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Why should you be so quick to forgive an infidelity that he denied for over a year?

And is he still in contact with his enabling, toxic friend?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Leave him. That will give you time to recover, work on yourself and embolden yourself. Look at this as a chance to end an awful time in your life. That alone is worth filing tomorrow.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

He had over a year to tell you the truth, the couples therapy, everything you've tried to do to improve your marriage he wasn't genuine in order to keep his secret. Over the last year your relationship hasn't improved and from what your wrote gotten worse. He is worried about saving his own image more than the marriage. Don't buy his "I'm sorry" forgive me speeches, they are meaningless. 

As hard as it is you must find the strength and divorce him. You might in time for give his affair but the lying and betrayal will likely always stay with you and you'll never develop any level of trust or intimacy again with him. Don't stay out of fear of being alone.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wishingwell said:


> Hi. I originally posted on this thread 1 year ago... the end of my post I wrote:
> 
> The same friend works with him and my husband went on a work trip with him (just the two of them). I found out recently that the friends mistress joined them with her friend who slept in the same room as my husband. He never told me this... i managed to find out on my own. He denied this for months but I did find out the truth on my own, so he had no choice but to admit it. He now denies anything sexual happened between them. I do not believe him. I feel betrayed. I have been a loyal wife - I do everything for him and have been told I do too much. He has led a wonderful life as he has had the freedom to do anything, travel anywhere and anytime and I do almost all the running around with our children while I also have a very demanding career. I don't know what to do... we are in counselling but I'm not sure what this will accomplish. I also found other text messages on his phone with another single woman texting him odd messages at 2-4:30am.I am torn... i do not trust him and now i am afraid - i don't know what to do. I don't know how other men and women in these situations keep it together*******
> *******************************
> ...


Wishingwell, you gut told you all along something wasn't right, you knew, now you know the reality. Your WH is more concerned with his own comfort than your pain, that should tell you a lot about him, he let you 'suffer' for over a year with the doubts, the pain, the neglect. 
I can understand wanting to keep things together for the family but remember the kids will not always be around. He needs a major come to Jesus moment.

How old are you kids?
If they are teenagers they should know.
Your family and friends should be told, he needs his ass to be exposed, you have carried him and the marriage for long enough, stop being a martyr, now its your time.

1. Agree to sit your kids down and tell them the truth together, let him do it, it will be difficult for him, but these are part of the consequences, you have carried the burden too long. Stop covering for him.
2. Ask him to stay away from the house, no coming home for dinner, he has lost that privilege, if he wants to see the kids, he has to book a time. Stop keeping things normal, the kids probably already know if they are old enough, you cannot hide the truth from kids (many on here will tell you that unless they are toddlers).
3. See a lawyer, you don't have to do anything now, things are raw for you and your head is all over the place but seeing a lawyer and your options will give you something to focus on.
4. You need the space right now, but you can work on a separation for now.
5. It is not up to you to do the work, it is up to your WH. You tell him this, see what he suggests. If he wants to move back in then he stays in a separate room, no cooking, no cleaning, nothing for him, focus on the kids and yourself.
6. Focus on work and pampering yourself, if necessary to to the IC again.
7. If he works hard to earn you back then you might consider reconciliation.
8. After telling your family, siblings, friends, choose one or two you can trust to talk to.
9. You detach from him, do the 180, you do not have to make any decisions right now, you need space so that you can think clearly, he will try and wriggle his way back to the status quo, do no let him have that opportunity, therefore no contact except via email or text.

Sorry you are going through this, but you will come through it, just take one day at a time.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Why should you be so quick to forgive an infidelity that he denied for over a year?
> 
> And is he still in contact with his enabling, toxic friend?


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

hi..yes he still has a close "working" relationship with the toxic friend who is on affair number #2!! he has a wife and two mistresses


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

thank you. I am finally able to take in all this advice.. and I think you are right. He is trying to protect his image. I've told my very close relative and he knows this. I've finally told my mother that I asked him to leave. I didnt tell her why, but i think she assumes why.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wishingwell said:


> hi..yes he still has a close "working" relationship with the toxic friend who is on affair number #2!! he has a wife and two mistresses





wishingwell said:


> thank you. I am finally able to take in all this advice.. and I think you are right. He is trying to protect his image. I've told my very close relative and he knows this. I've finally told my mother that I asked him to leave. I didnt tell her why, but i think she assumes why.


Dump him.

He's not remorseful for anything. Hell, he's barely sorry that he got caught, and then that's just him lamenting the bothersome inconvenience of it all.

Start talking to lawyers first thing Monday morning; take him for every penny that you can get.

Oh and expose the friend's affairs to his wife.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

thank you for your advice. My children are 9,11 and 13 years old. My daughter who is the oldest is very sharp and so keeping it from her is the biggest challenge. I did want to talk to the children and let them know mom and dad are taking some space.. he wants me to talk to our MC first to get her advice. I'm okay with that as my head is all over the place. i have also noticed I'm losing personal control of myself.. not eating.. obsessed and googling the girl.. asking him for specific details. Its not my behaviour and I'm feeling very down on myself. I like this advice.. I have spoken to a lawyer last year.. maybe I'll go back to her and book an appointment. I dont want him staying in the house, and he's begged to. I've already told him if he stays in the house, i will file legal separation the same day - and honestly, I think I would.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wishingwell said:


> hi..yes he still has a close "working" relationship with the toxic friend who is on affair number #2!! he has a wife and two mistresses


First, follow aine's advice to the T. Everything. He should NOT be coming home for dinner and pretending you are still together. YOU ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER. 

If you DO end up getting back together - after he undergoes a LOOOONG list of consequences and moves mountains to get to deserve you back - MAYBE then you can let the kids know you are giving him a second chance. But please don't lie to them.

Second, you need to find his coworker's wife's phone number and call her, or email her, and let her know. Wouldn't YOU have wanted someone to keep you from spending all this time in dismay and misery?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wishingwell said:


> thank you. I am finally able to take in all this advice.. and I think you are right. He is trying to protect his image. I've told my very close relative and he knows this. I've finally told my mother that I asked him to leave. I didnt tell her why, but i think she assumes why.


You need to tell HIS parents and siblings.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wishingwell said:


> thank you for your advice. My children are 9,11 and 13 years old. My daughter who is the oldest is very sharp and so keeping it from her is the biggest challenge. I did want to talk to the children and let them know mom and dad are taking some space.. he wants me to talk to our MC first to get her advice. I'm okay with that as my head is all over the place. i have also noticed I'm losing personal control of myself.. not eating.. obsessed and googling the girl.. asking him for specific details. Its not my behaviour and I'm feeling very down on myself. I like this advice.. I have spoken to a lawyer last year.. maybe I'll go back to her and book an appointment. I dont want him staying in the house, and he's begged to. I've already told him if he stays in the house, i will file legal separation the same day - and honestly, I think I would.


Your children are too old for you to hide this from them. They deserve to know. They NEED to know so they can understand why this is all happening, and not blame themselves or you. 

YOU need to go to a counselor - not a marriage counselor - so you can learn that this is NOT your fault, and start learning to love and respect yourself again, and start taking more decisive action. 

Whatever you do, DO NOT LET HIM sleep in the house. And please stop letting him come home for dinner.

And you MUST talk to a lawyer this week. Please trust us when we tell you this. We're not telling you to see a lawyer to get back at him, to be mean or uncaring. We're telling you this because we have seen HUNDREDS of cheating men offer to 'always protect' his wife and kids...and then the money starts trickling away...until he won't give you anything. And because you didn't get a lawyer to protect you and the children, by the time you get the nerve to go to a lawyer, there's not much you can do. 

See the lawyer NOW - while he is still pretending to care and is still trying to GET something from you (come back home, your silence), and may be willing to not be such a douche about the lawyer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@wishingwell the only reason the marriage counselling failed was because your husband sabotaged it.

It was like two mechanics working on a car. If after every job the one mechanic completes, the other mechanic, whilst pretending to help, is loosening bolts that have just been tightened, removing new parts that have just been taken off and replacing them with the old parts that had been removed and so on.

At this point the "bad" mechanic needs to be fired so that the car can be fixed.

I think that filing for divorce is the only realistic option available to you.

We will be here for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wishingwell said:


> hi..yes he still has a close "working" relationship with the toxic friend who is on affair number #2!! he has a wife and two mistresses


Do you know toxic friend's wife or have her contact details?
YOu should let the wife know what is going on, blow up his world, that will blow up your WH's world too, stop hiding all of this under the rug, tell his parents, etc. You are to blame for allowing this to continue, you knew about the trip over a year ago and did nothing, nothing has changed for the better has it. Everyone on TAM will tell you to expose. YOu must expose because this kind of behaviour can only continue in the darkness, in the shadows, expose it, it is his shame, not yours!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wishingwell said:


> thank you for your advice. My children are 9,11 and 13 years old. My daughter who is the oldest is very sharp and so keeping it from her is the biggest challenge. I did want to talk to the children and let them know mom and dad are taking some space.. he wants me to talk to our MC first to get her advice. I'm okay with that as my head is all over the place. i have also noticed I'm losing personal control of myself.. not eating.. obsessed and googling the girl.. asking him for specific details. Its not my behaviour and I'm feeling very down on myself. I like this advice.. I have spoken to a lawyer last year.. maybe I'll go back to her and book an appointment. I dont want him staying in the house, and he's begged to. I've already told him if he stays in the house, i will file legal separation the same day - and honestly, I think I would.


Your behaviour is normal, you have been hit between the eyes and you are probably suffering from a form of PTSD. 13 year old girls are very astute, she probably already knows, maybe even more than you.

Forget about MC for now, let him stew in it, if you decide to offer him the gift of MC do it when you are actually in a position to see things clearly, talk through what it is you need. You are not in that position right now. I would advice IC for yourself. If your WH asks why, tell him, you want IC to see why you would allow him to do what he has done to you for a year and not kick his ass out of the house already. YOu want to become stronger for yourself and right now you don't give a damn about the marriage, let him see that you are very much ready to walk, don't give him any clue that you might consider R. He needs to work for that. Stay strong.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

wishingwell said:


> Ofcourse he is begging to forgive him. I cant forgive and I am seeking out to others how you have managed to forgive and actually move on?


Look, WishingWell.

You've stated in this thread that you do EVERYTHING for this guy. He has no responsibility at all because YOU do all the work and YOU do all the child-raising as well have a career - so he's free to come and go as he pleases and do whatever the hell he wants (and he obviously HAS been).

For the last year, he's treated you like nothing more than the 2nd paycheck, nanny, domestic help, laundress, cook and maid (which you ARE, to this spoiled jackass). For the last year, he's treated you with indifference, insulted you, avoided intimacy as much as he possibly could, lied to your face every single day about his cheating, has been verbally abusive, and **** all over your self esteem.

He brings NOTHING to the table and acts like he lives in a hotel, expecting you to provide all his creature comforts for him, while providing nothing in return to YOU.

And now, when he's faced with losing his place on Easy Street that you've provided for years, and losing half his assets PLUS paying child support for 3 kids for the next umpteen years, you'd better believe he's suddenly ALL ABOUT wanting to come home and 'work on the marriage.' He's simply an opportunist whose only looking out for Number #1.

He's had a YEAR to fix this. He's had a YEAR to come clean with you about his cheating and make an honest effort to work on reconciliation. He's had a YEAR to look into the various ways he could help himself to become a better man and husband. He's done *none* of those things. When he had a full year to SHOW you he was in it to win it, he did *nothing*.

I wouldn't let him come back. He just needs his mommy to cater to him again and to avoid any financial disruptions. I repeat - he's an opportunist only looking out for what benefits HIM.

You're smart for going back to your lawyer. Very smart.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You are not "dumb" because you trusted him. Stop saying that. He is dumb because he Cheated on you and your Children,lied to you for a long,long time. 

First thing you need to do is contact your Lawyer. Belive me he is not going to change. He lives in another World where he likes to Cheat and look for another women with his "good Friend". They have a good laugh about it,belive me. 

Expose him. Dont go through this alone. Your Family will help you. Dont let him make you look like a bad Wife or Mother. Soon he will start telling bad stories about you. Every Cheater does this,because they want to think it is alright to Cheat. In their heads it is perfectly normal.

When you get some strenght tell the other woman. She deserves to know. 

I am really sorry for your situation my Lady. You and your Children deserve better.

Stay strong.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

thank you for all your advice and after reading my post replies and sadly posts from others, this has given me the courage to go with my gut. My instinct told me he cheated and that he lied for 2 years, and my gut is that this time i have to follow through with a separation until we are 100% ready to be together or unfortunately ending our marriage. I asked him yesterday to no longer come over and pretend we are a happy family. He is telling his family today of our separation and is leaving the hotel soon to find a rental nearby. I am going to visit the lawyer this week.. and trying very hard to find the wife of the toxic friend.. for the longest time I contemplated this and feeling horrible to end the family of a stranger (they have two young boys)... but everyone is absolutely right. I wish someone told me of the episode 2 years ago.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

aine said:


> Your behaviour is normal, you have been hit between the eyes and you are probably suffering from a form of PTSD. 13 year old girls are very astute, she probably already knows, maybe even more than you.
> 
> Forget about MC for now, let him stew in it, if you decide to offer him the gift of MC do it when you are actually in a position to see things clearly, talk through what it is you need. You are not in that position right now. I would advice IC for yourself. If your WH asks why, tell him, you want IC to see why you would allow him to do what he has done to you for a year and not kick his ass out of the house already. YOu want to become stronger for yourself and right now you don't give a damn about the marriage, let him see that you are very much ready to walk, don't give him any clue that you might consider R. He needs to work for that. Stay strong.


Thank you..i think you are right about my daughter.. and she's the one I worry about the most. All this advice is giving me strength to stand up for myself and get IC. I don't know why I didn't do this last year.. and I don't know why it took me over a year to re-post.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @wishingwell the only reason the marriage counselling failed was because your husband sabotaged it.
> 
> It was like two mechanics working on a car. If after every job the one mechanic completes, the other mechanic, whilst pretending to help, is loosening bolts that have just been tightened, removing new parts that have just been taken off and replacing them with the old parts that had been removed and so on.
> 
> ...


Good One, MattMatt...Dr. Mathew, I presume.
-Mathew 5:33.37

Sometimes on TAM the mechanic has two unmindful hands, one tightening while the other loosens our resolves and our faith in doing right by All to All.

ETC. and a day.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> First, follow aine's advice to the T. Everything. *He should NOT be coming home for dinner *and pretending you are still together. YOU ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER.
> 
> If you DO end up getting back together - after he undergoes a LOOOONG list of consequences and moves mountains to get to deserve you back - MAYBE then you can let the kids know you are giving him a second chance. But please don't lie to them.
> 
> Second, you need to find his coworker's wife's phone number and call her, or email her, and let her know. Wouldn't YOU have wanted someone to keep you from spending all this time in dismay and misery?


"Guess who is coming to dinner?", not Sidney Poitier."

The "Guest", WH is not suave, nay suave...nor courteous, affable, sophisticated. He is slick. 

As is the oil that that ground-up serpents ooze. Ooze and cou'ze.

Worthy only of the lowly Mistresses' khou'se...........


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please print this out, keep it in your pocket,
and read it at least two or three times a day,
until you start finding your anger.

For your kids' sakes, for YOUR sake,
find your anger. _That is the ONLY way you can make it out of this ok.
_


She'sStillGotIt said:


> Look, WishingWell.
> 
> You've stated in this thread that you do EVERYTHING for this guy. He has no responsibility at all because YOU do all the work and YOU do all the child-raising as well have a career - so he's free to come and go as he pleases and do whatever the hell he wants (and he obviously HAS been).
> 
> ...


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

wishingwell - I just want to chime in with all the others. You are starting to do the right things. And you need to keep on doing them.

Sometimes the present is so painful that it can paralyse us. The pain and anger of now makes it difficult for us to see our way clear. Focus instead on a future where you are not obsessing about the other women that your husband has or has not had sex with. Where who his friends are becomes irrelevant. Where his choices and bad behaviour have little impact - either because he is no longer in your life except as the father of your children, or because he has truly changed. (Reading what you have written, I think his journey will need to be a long and arduous one to be deserving of your grace and his family.) Standing between you and that future are changes that you need to make and positions that you will have to hold yourself to. 

There is one of those internet proverbs floating around at the moment. "This time next year, you will wish that you had started today." It may be hard not to see the last year as a waste of time - to wish that you had acted already. Don't waste your time and energy doing that. Right now, you are in a position to change where you will be next year and how you will feel about it. 

Please see the lawyer so that you can define your options and position. Expose the friend's affair (not to take revenge but because it is the right thing to do.) And as aine suggested, you need to start IC to help you get through this. You have held your family together for years now, do not doubt that you have the strength to do these things.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wishingwell said:


> He is telling his family today of our separation


No. YOU call his family today and tell them that he is leaving because of his cheating and nothing else. You HAVE to tell them. Please trust me on this. I guarantee you that he is telling them that you two are 'having problems.' In the hundreds and hundreds of situations like yours that I have helped with over the past 15 years, I can count on ONE hand the men who have admitted to their families and friends that the reason they're separating is because of his infidelity. He will NOT tell them the truth; in fact, he will probably blame YOU. He, the long-suffering noble husband who just couldn't take it anymore.

CALL THEM TODAY.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Wishingwell, if he had not lied and belittled you for the past two years I would say you had a chance. The hurtful things he has said for the past two years is his true self coming through.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

turnera said:


> Please print this out, keep it in your pocket,
> and read it at least two or three times a day,
> until you start finding your anger.
> 
> ...


I found some strength in the above and i have copied it and posted it as a note on my phone... I've had to read it a few times today as he texted me today with a tearful message begging me to reconsider us for our marriage - he was begging me to be the one to guide us through this and for the children's sake, i should not give up on our family. Outside of being super angry (thankfully I kept reading the above quote), I am extremely morally conflicted and cannot be with him as infidelity is completely outside of my morals and ethics. This is not something I would ever do, and I dont think highly of anyone who does. He said on his text not to give up on our family because we would both regret it.. this also pissed me off. why BOTH regret it... I strongly feel the only one who will regret it is him. I did not cheat so why would I regret it... Only thing I regret is being so gullible and believing a ridiculous lie. I'm quick to say about others.. "how could they be so blind..."... but now I realize and will always understand the denial the injured spouse goes through in order to avoid the truth. 
Thank you for this strength


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Wishingwell, if he had not lied and belittled you for the past two years I would say you had a chance. The hurtful things he has said for the past two years is his true self coming through.


oh my.. that is sad and this is someone I've been with for 22 years (14 years married)...Its so sad how people can change overtime.. hurtful and cruel. This has been an emotional rollercoaster and seeing a new true self is so painful.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

turnera said:


> You need to tell HIS parents and siblings.


i didn't even tell my mom he cheated, however, I think she assumed because she hinted it a few times. I'm humiliated to tell my in-laws. We have a great relationship and i'm embarrassed to tell them what their son did..but I did tell him yesterday that if he didn't tell his parents by end of day today, then I would. i know his mom will call me right away.. and if she doesn't know what he did, then you're all right. i have to be brave and tell her.... oh by the way, part of his tearful text today was that for the sake of the family, he begged me ..."to suck it up"... to just get over it and move on. i'm speechless... I figured, my point would be stronger if i didnt even reply to his text and just ignored it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

wishingwell said:


> i didn't even tell my mom he cheated, however, I think she assumed because she hinted it a few times. I'm humiliated to tell my in-laws. We have a great relationship and i'm embarrassed to tell them what their son did..but I did tell him yesterday that if he didn't tell his parents by end of day today, then I would. i know his mom will call me right away.. and if she doesn't know what he did, then you're all right. i have to be brave and tell her.... oh by the way, part of his tearful text today was that for the sake of the family, he begged me ..."to suck it up"... to just get over it and move on. i'm speechless... I figured, my point would be stronger if i didnt even reply to his text and just ignored it.


Don't engage or take the bait by answering his texts, just ignore them. DON'T be embarrassed or humiliated by his infidelity. He isn't going to tell his family and even if he somehow works up the courage he will minimize beyond belief. Call your MIL, tell her the truth, she should feel embarrassed her son did this, you have nothing to be humiliated about. You will also find it a "weight off your shoulders" that someone else knows what's really going on.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

wishingwell said:


> oh my.. that is sad and this is someone I've been with for 22 years (14 years married)...Its so sad how people can change overtime.. hurtful and cruel. This has been an emotional rollercoaster and seeing a new true self is so painful.



The trials and fires of life make us stronger. None of this is your doing. You are teaching your kids to stand up for their beliefs and morals, even when it hurts. You and your kids will be ok and stronger in the end. Sorry for the pain you have to go through to get there.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Have your husband tell his side of the family the truth. All of it including how he has treated you and lied to you for the past two years. 

If he would write his parents a letter with the truth. 

None of this is your fault. Please remember this. He chose to cheat, he would have done this married to you or someone else. This is his failure not something you failed at.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wishingwell said:


> he was begging me to be the one to guide us through this and for the children's sake, i should not give up on our family.


There was a poster here a while back whose wife cheated. He simply couldn't deal with it. Couldn't look at her. Couldn't even have her around him, he was so angry. So he told her to leave. BUT...he signed her up for an apartment pretty close to the family, told her she could go live there or she could just...leave forever. She took the apartment and stayed there. For a full year. She basically lived a life of penance for a whole year, came and went to work, did a lot of soul-searching, of course never cheated again, went a year without sex. 

He came to us at the end of that year, saying that he he didn't know what to do. He assumed he was still so mad at her that he couldn't ever forgive her. 

I told him to consider just meeting with her, see how things went. I told him that for her to spend an entire year 'in penance' was a HUGE thing, and he needed to see it as such, so he could give her at least that much credit, as it were. And then see whether he thought he could ever forgive her, given what she had done for the past year.

They ended up working out, as far as I last heard. But it never would have happened, had she not been willing to do what she did, to make up for the cheating.

That's why I'm pushing you to first and foremost, refuse to even CONSIDER dealing with him until and if he is willing to give up OW, agree to your requirements, and DO real penance. I usually tell women not to take a cheating husband back unless he is willing to go to his parents AND your parents and tell them to their faces what he did. And apologize. 

If he won't do that, your marriage has little to no chance. 

So focus on the requirements for now. Don't even worry about whether you'll want him back or how things will turn out. Focus only on the requirements. Starting with giving up OW, of course.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wishingwell said:


> i didn't even tell my mom he cheated, however, I think she assumed because she hinted it a few times. I'm humiliated to tell my in-laws. We have a great relationship and i'm embarrassed to tell them what their son did..but I did tell him yesterday that if he didn't tell his parents by end of day today, then I would. i know his mom will call me right away.. and if she doesn't know what he did, then you're all right. i have to be brave and tell her.... oh by the way, part of his tearful text today was that for the sake of the family, he begged me ..."to suck it up"... to just get over it and move on. i'm speechless... I figured, my point would be stronger if i didnt even reply to his text and just ignored it.


Telling you to suck it up is VERBAL ABUSE and is proof he is NOT REMORSEFUL. 

ww, he is NOT your friend, ok? Maybe someday. Right now he is your enemy. He has betrayed you, his children, his parents, his siblings, and YOUR family.

So PLEASE do not be humiliated to tell his parents. In what universe should YOU be humiliated? It is HE who should feel humiliated. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Please stop thinking that way. Ok? Please don't do that to yourself. You need their support. And if they won't give it, at least you need to know that. Call his mom tonight to see what he did.

And if you do NOTHING else that I have advised, PLEASE go call your mother *right now* and tell her, cry to her, and let your mother be your mother.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wishingwell said:


> I found some strength in the above and i have copied it and posted it as a note on my phone... I've had to read it a few times today as he texted me today with a tearful message begging me to reconsider us for our marriage - he was begging me to be the one to guide us through this and for the children's sake, i should not give up on our family. Outside of being super angry (thankfully I kept reading the above quote), I am extremely morally conflicted and cannot be with him as infidelity is completely outside of my morals and ethics. This is not something I would ever do, and I dont think highly of anyone who does. He said on his text not to give up on our family because we would both regret it.. this also pissed me off. why BOTH regret it... I strongly feel the only one who will regret it is him. I did not cheat so why would I regret it... Only thing I regret is being so gullible and believing a ridiculous lie. I'm quick to say about others.. "how could they be so blind..."... but now I realize and will always understand the denial the injured spouse goes through in order to avoid the truth.
> Thank you for this strength


How dare he say 'not to give up on the family', please tell him he was the one who put a nuclear bomb in the middle of the marriage and the family when he decided to cheat. You and the kids are suffering the consequences. You haven't given up on yourself or the kids, but he chose not to be part of a complete unbroken family, he made that call when he cheated.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wishingwell said:


> i didn't even tell my mom he cheated, however, I think she assumed because she hinted it a few times. I'm humiliated to tell my in-laws. We have a great relationship and i'm embarrassed to tell them what their son did..but I did tell him yesterday that if he didn't tell his parents by end of day today, then I would. i know his mom will call me right away.. and if she doesn't know what he did, then you're all right. i have to be brave and tell her.... oh by the way, part of his tearful text today was that for the sake of the family, he begged me ..."to suck it up"... to just get over it and move on. i'm speechless... I figured, my point would be stronger if i didnt even reply to his text and just ignored it.


He doesn't care about you or the damage this has done to you, he just wants to save his own ass. You should tell him to such up the separation, he was the one who brought it to this. There is nothing left to save here.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I like your posts Turnera. I have been here for almost three Years and you give a good advice to people. Smart Lady for sure. 

Back to OP. 

You should tell the truth to your Mother in law. He is going to lie about it,trust me. Dont feel ashamed or humiliated. You didnt Cheat,he did. 

In times like this you will find who is your true Friend,who will stand behind you and support you. The ones who tell you just to leave it behind or tell you it is your fault are not your Friends. Put them on the side immediately.

Wish you and your Children the best. 
Stay strong.


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## wishingwell (Mar 12, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Have your husband tell his side of the family the truth. All of it including how he has treated you and lied to you for the past two years.
> 
> If he would write his parents a letter with the truth.
> 
> None of this is your fault. Please remember this. He chose to cheat, he would have done this married to you or someone else. This is his failure not something you failed at.


thank you... I told his brother last night and his parents tomorrow as no opportunity to see them.. i've cut off phone calls and only texting if it has anything to do with our children.
Plus, i'm trying to find the number for the toxic friends wife.

is it crazy that i want to confront the other woman and ask her more questions... i'm sure its not healthy, and maybe she wont say anything.. I think I want to know more details. did he lie about our marriage and did they continue this back when they came back to our home city?


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

wishingwell said:


> is it crazy that i want to confront the other woman and ask her more questions... i'm sure its not healthy, and maybe she wont say anything.. I think I want to know more details. did he lie about our marriage and did they continue this back when they came back to our home city?


wishingwell - I wouldn't suggest that you contact the other woman. She has no reason to tell you anything. And, if she is the kind of person who could have casual sex with your husband and not care less that he was married with children, she may actually get a kick out of it. At the very least she will get a lot of gossip-mileage out of your pain. My husband's other woman appears not to be an intentionally malicious person and said that she deeply regretted what she did (she wrote to me). But I would never have given her power over me and my state of mind by begging her for information. That is a dangerous road to go down.

For me, if there is going to be any healing between your husband and you, then the details need to come from him. And if he isn't willing to confront what he did, then why put yourself through the humiliation of hearing this information from the other woman? It is time for you to stop feeling humiliated and start taking control of your own future happiness. 

I can completely understand the need to quantify what your husband has done to you. I also thought that if I knew exactly what my husband had done, then somehow I would be able to cope better. The reality is that the details of the betrayal become largely irrelevant when compared to what he did afterwards and how he did it. I believe that everyone makes mistakes. What matters is what we do to make them right, help heal the damage and make sure that we don't make them again. Your husband has shown himself to be unworthy, manipulative, deceitful and uncaring about your pain and hurt. This appears to now be his fundamental character. If that is the case, then the best thing that you can do for yourself and your children is disengage from him. Take away his power to hurt you, so that you actually don't care what he did.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

wishingwell said:


> thank you... I told his brother last night and his parents tomorrow as no opportunity to see them.. i've cut off phone calls and only texting if it has anything to do with our children.
> Plus, i'm trying to find the number for the toxic friends wife.
> 
> is it crazy that i want to confront the other woman and ask her more questions... i'm sure its not healthy, and maybe she wont say anything.. I think I want to know more details. did he lie about our marriage and did they continue this back when they came back to our home city?



Nope, we all would want to know how and why our world came apart.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I doubt that he 'cheated' and wouldn't come clean. I believe that his terrible and disrespectful treatment of you for the last few years indicates that he's been cheating this whole time. His friend is busy doing it and they are partners in crime.

Don't let him come home. Stay separated and follow the 180 religiously. You need to be able to keep building your emotional strength and see him more and more for the liar that he has become.

Your children will be OK because they have such a lovely, loving mother. They will be OK. And you will be OK because you are a lovely, loving person. You will not live a lonely life filled with regrets. That will be his fate, not yours.

I know that you want to cave to his pleas. I know how that is, believe me. But please take to heart what I am suggesting and refuse to even talk about 'healing' until you have the actual truth. I don't believe at all that you have the truth of it. He has been acting all this time like he's following the well-known cheater's script, which indicates he's been doing just what his toxic friend continues to do - the two of them have been having a grand old time the whole time with their OW's. That's why he's been treating you so badly. You've been the chief cook, bottle washer, and reliable background noise that he tolerates because it makes the logistics of his life easier.

Tell the friend's BW, for sure. And please keep him out and go full bore with the 180.


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