# sister in law using and abusing



## Ryan_sa (May 8, 2012)

Hi all
I need some advice here
Ive been with my wife (T) for 10 years, and married for the last 6 months. Everything is fantastic, except for 1 thing. Her sister who I’ll call L
A couple of years ago L’s marriage went seriously downhill. Her husband was being investigated for fraud and corruption and became a very aggressive and abusive alcoholic, He died of organ failure due to the alcohol 4 years ago.
After his death L had to sell the house, and everything else to cover the depts. She rented a very nice place, that cost more than she could afford and couldn’t keep up with the rental. So we had to help.
L and my wife T are both horse riders, We sold a horse, which was supposed to be the deposit for a house, but instead the money went to pay L’s rent, her kids school fees, stabling etc. Eventually we spent so much looking after L that we ran into money problems.
Fast forward a year, T and I rented a stable yard, and moved in. L has a new boyfriend (now Fiancée) who seems quite happy with the arrangement.
Of course L sent her horses to live with us. The problem there is we struggled to get the business profitable, but L has never contributed a cent towards her horses upkeep, which costs a fortune. Now she is teaching more and more, bringing her clients to our place to use the facilities, which inconveniences the paying clients, the jump equipment gets damaged but not replaced and I have strangers tramping around my garden.
T was very close to L, but is slowly getting pissed off. L makes no effort to do anything for T, barely talks to her unless she has to, or wants something. Unfortunately T is a very kind, un-confrontational person, where as L is as hard as nails, so T wont confront L about her behaviour.
Whats worrying me is now T and L’s mother, who is far too kind has spent most of her life savings on L in the last few years is running out of money. 
Ive spoken to T a lot about how were being used, and she doesn’t like it either, but wont do anything about it because its her family. Im getting really pissed off, and I’m about to loose my temper completely which will be a disaster. Ideally I’d like L to just talk to T, to pay for her stabling, and make a bit of an effort in being a sister, but if that doesn’t happen soon Im going to kick her out, which will have huge consequences.
I know this has been explained completely from my side, but hopefully someone can give me some advice.


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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

Talk about some serious boundary issues. Sheesh. I am not sure where you got the idea that your responsibility extended to taking care of the houses of relatives but you have set up a level of expectation that is unfortunate at best.

Helping somebody move is one thing. Supporting a lifestyle is another. Your monetary responsibility does not necessarily extend beyond your immediate family. Giving somebody support emotionally and verbally is good. Giving them a check is a bad habit and only sets up the expectation that you are on the hook for everything.

This equation is horribly unbalanced and there are going to be some hurt feelings when you allow the sister in law to come back to reality. But in America we have the freedom to become whomever and whatever we want. It is our misery that drives us to work harder and change our circumstances. If somebody else took care of everything for us we would never leave home.

The fact that she let you assume that level of responsibility speaks volumes about her dependency on others. People are going to be mad, offended, and indignant as you set up the new boundary to your support. I don't see any way around that but it is important for personal growth on her part that you let her fly on her own.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Be careful about rehashing all the old problems. Look at your finances and make the case about how you are sorry but you can't afford this anymore. Then try to take the steps to address it.


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## Ryan_sa (May 8, 2012)

Thanks guys, your both right on.
I think I'll have to put the past behind me, and change the future. 
Im taking baby steps - Charging her a set ammount for any client coming in to use the facilities - you should have seen the sulky face! 

The next step will be to make her pay something toward her horses, the whole family is aginst me on this one, because her mother ends up paying instead! L is 46 now, time to learn to walk alone. I'll have to be very stern with my MIL, whose really sweet, but just too soft on L. I think if I explain calmly why L needs to take responsibility, and tell MIL its not the money its the principle we'll get over it.

Have a great week.


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## Ryan_sa (May 8, 2012)

I need to reword the post, probably put it into a different area


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