# When did you put your wedding ring back on?



## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

My wife for the past three months since we started being intimate again has asked me via emails to put back on my wedding ring. I haven't responded to them. I don't know if I am totally ready for that. We are moving forward and things are going well. Should I just put it on to make her happy even though I am not feeling like our marriage is healed enough to put my ring back on.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

After I divorced her cheating axx and found a better woman.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

No.

You be honest with her and tell her why you are not wearing it.

You also tell her how you need to feel in order to wear it.

Not to hurt her but to be brutally honest with her.

HM


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Personally, I had to sell the wedding ring to get grocery money after the ex evolved from WH to deadbeat dad.

BUT
I have heard of couples who R and have a second ceremony to make the new relationship they will create after surviving infidelity and put the rings on at the ceremony.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I never actually took my wedding ring off and still haven't. It was my father's, and I used it for mine in my 2004 marriage to my rich, skanky XW.

Dad and Mom celebrated some 54 years together. While single again, I choose to don that ring to honor and to continuously celebrate their many wonderful years together!*


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

This was very difficult for me to accept and move past . My WW wore her wedding ring while with her OM. I asked that she not wear her wedding ring which brought us into a serious discussion on whether or not reconciliation could continue. She relented and removed the ring. This caused tremendous guilt and pain to her. After some time passed I realized the ring was a symbol of my vows, not hers. I didn't break my vows she did, therefore I told her she could wear the ring but I am unable to wear the ring from her. That ring is a symbol of her vows and those were broken. She is now talking of getting me a new ring and having it blessed. 

It was very difficult for me that she wore the ring I gave her while having sex with the OM. But she had sex with someone else so obviously she wasn't thinking about me to begin with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I would like to sell my wedding ring and engagement ring, and buy something for myself with the money that actually means something.

I don't see a R with my cheating STBX as being even remotely within the realm of reality, especially considering he's leaving me to be with with the POSOW. Even in the unlikely event that that fails, I don't think he's coming back. And if he did, I wouldn't have him.

Sorry for the near thread derailment, but I'm wondering what I can get nowadays for a .75 carat, solitaire (ironically) cut diamond on an 18-carat gold ring. Probably not a lot, I'm guessing.

To the OP's point, I think something that is supposed to be as meaningful as a wedding ring should not be worn until the wearer really means it. Wait as long as you need to until you're feeling it completely again.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

My Dday was 20 months ago. Some days I wear the ring and some days I don't. Depends on how I feel that day and about her and what happened. She always wears hers now when she didn't that much before Dday. She says nothing when I don't wear it. I think she totally gets that.

Today happens to be my 31 year anniversary. She started her affair about 5 years ago this month so not feeling that my anniversary is that significant. That being said, we are in R.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

4 years, I still don't wear it. I have tried to put it on twice, on my finger and on my necklace. It just didn't feel right. The ring represented something I don't have anymore.
Be true to yourself and your own feelings. Explain it to her.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Welsh15 said:


> My Dday was 20 months ago. Some days I wear the ring and some days I don't. Depends on how I feel that day and about her and what happened. She always wears hers now when she didn't that much before Dday. She says nothing when I don't wear it. I think she totally gets that.
> 
> Today happens to be my 31 year anniversary. She started her affair about 5 years ago this month so not feeling that my anniversary is that significant. That being said, we are in R.


So sorry. R is very hard, I know, and something I could not do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Try wearing it on a chain. 

We never wore rings when we were first married? Would it haver made a difference? I don't know.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If you are not ready , then do not put it on. I would explain to her why and perhaps that is a goal you can work towards 

Just be open and honest with her in your explanation.


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## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

I told her that I was not ready. She said that she understood. This morning I found her ring on the dresser. She said if I was unsure about being married to her that she would take hers off also. She says I can't have it both ways. Ughh Why am I so stubborn.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I haven't. Does not look like I am going to.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

bigdogs said:


> I told her that I was not ready. She said that she understood. This morning I found her ring on the dresser. She said if I was unsure about being married to her that she would take hers off also. She says I can't have it both ways. Ughh Why am I so stubborn.




Did she wear it while having her EA? Why didn't she remove it if she didn't? You can't act like your married, so if you have an affair she shouldn't have worn it. Also you could tell her the ring is a symbol of her vows, that she broke, therefore the ring doesn't have the same value. Or you can tell her it doesn't matter if she wears hers or not, it didn't stop her from cheating anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I want to be very careful how I say this as it could be taken out of context…

When my ex betrayed me, I took my wedding ring right then and there. Kept it off thru two R's and 2 more betrayals. When I met my now second, and final, wife, I have still kept it off. 

I found that one in a million and she betrayed me. She was the wife of my youth. My current wife and I have more of a friendship marriage (but we do love each other) and I have her blessing not to wear a ring so long as it doesn't cause problems. In return, she kept her maiden name (mostly as she is an author) and it causes no issues between us.

To me, the bare ring finger is always a reminder of what I lost thru betrayal.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Be true to yourself and your own feelings. Explain it to her.


Here's your answer.

Well stated.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

bigdogs said:


> I told her that I was not ready. She said that she understood. This morning I found her ring on the dresser. She said if I was unsure about being married to her that she would take hers off also. She says I can't have it both ways. Ughh Why am I so stubborn.


That's pretty childish of her.

She betrays you and then wants to play silly games with you and bully you.

This continues to be on her and not you.


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## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Did she wear it while having her EA? Why didn't she remove it if she didn't? You can't act like your married, so if you have an affair she shouldn't have worn it. Also you could tell her the ring is a symbol of her vows, that she broke, therefore the ring doesn't have the same value. Or you can tell her it doesn't matter if she wears hers or not, it didn't stop her from cheating anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She said that I can't expect her to act like a wife by having sex with me, doing my laundry, cooking my meals, balancing our checkbook, cleaning our house if I am not going to wear the ring to let everyone know that we are together and she is my wife. That is what she says she means by having it both ways.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

bigdogs said:


> She said that I can't expect her to act like a wife by having sex with me, doing my laundry, cooking my meals, balancing our checkbook, cleaning our house if I am not going to wear the ring to let everyone know that we are together and she is my wife. That is what she says she means by having it both ways.


Problem is she didn't act like a wife. That comment would upset me greatly.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Problem is she didn't act like a wife. That comment would upset me greatly.


:iagree:


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

drifting on said:


> T. She is now talking of getting me a new ring and having it blessed.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wasn't her ring blessed as well ? That didn't do much help for her.

Sorry far from religious, though I will admit I out of habit I would say "God make this pain go away"..

I think her ring should be re-blessed and maybe she should be re-baptized or something.. 

I think your ring is working just fine.. I think her's is broken..


But OP.. As was already mentioned.. You wear the ring when YOUR DAM GOOD AND READY TOO..


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Given your story, I think it might be reasonable for the two of you to sit down, talk about this, and work out a constructive solution. Perhaps you could set some benchmarks or other goals to work toward to eventually reach the point of wearing your ring(s). You both have enough work to do in the marriage. You don't need to turn this into a line in the sand, imo.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

bigdogs said:


> I told her that I was not ready. She said that she understood. This morning I found her ring on the dresser. *She said if I was unsure about being married to her that she would take hers off also. She says I can't have it both ways. *Ughh Why am I so stubborn.


I'd have told her;

"Sorry but right now, I can't wear the ring because when I look down at it, it just reminds me of what you did to me."

"Now, when you look down at your own hand and see no ring, it can remind you of what you did to me also."

Flip it around on her. Then when ever she sees you looking at her bare ring finger, she knows exactly what you both are thinking at that moment...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I haven't ....after 5 yrs that ring doesn't mean **** and WW knows exactly why!

Another consequences my old lady has to face for her * bad choice*!!!

At the end of the day she wore hers even while phucking around and I wore mine when I didn't give a dam about her....so now that we don't wear our rings....it's more about action then symbol.

She phucked symbolism up 5 yrs ago, now it's about action and not behaving in a way that pisses each other off and calling it quits.

After a while the ring doesn't mean shyt when you have phucked each other over enough. 

Actions speak louder then some ring around your finger...

That's my $0.02

Besides the young punkes don't want to phuck her as much when she doesn't wear her ring!


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## Rafi (Mar 25, 2015)

So tell her if put the ring back, I can cheat on you. Is that ok?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Bad juju. I never it back on again, but then we're separated. If I could burn that s~;@ I would.


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## Melinda123 (May 1, 2015)

Very interesting thread. I was just wondering the same thing about my wedding ring. I haven't worn it since D day. He has refused to wear his since our wedding day, saying he doesn't like rings. He promised me a ring with 3 diamonds to symbolize our 30th and he didn't get it.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Dog, If you lose a sparring match, do you take off your blackbelt?

I think you've made your point with your wife. Now she feels as though you are attacking her so she is defending herself. I understand her point of view.

What exactly is still bothering you? 
What happened during your recent trip out of town?
Is she not truly remorseful? If not tell her thats how you feel and its up to her to fix it. She should not take off her ring if she wants to be married to you.

Did you ever get to the bottom as to why the POSOM showed up at your door? You need that answer.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bigdogs said:


> She said that I can't expect her to act like a wife by having sex with me, doing my laundry, cooking my meals, balancing our checkbook, cleaning our house if I am not going to wear the ring to let everyone know that we are together and she is my wife. That is what she says she means by having it both ways.


I would have a serious problem with this attitude during reconcilliation. This was a brat move by her and disrespectful of the pain SHE brought into your marriage and drove it straight into YOUR heart. She RUPTURED your reality and she thinks she can blackmail your emotions now. The nerve!! I don't think so. She needs a reality check. YOU need time processing this pain that wasn't there before HER choice to devastate your heart. She can get the F over herself. Sorry... That pisses me off for you.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I would have a serious problem with this attitude during reconcilliation. This was a brat move by her and disrespectful of the pain SHE brought into your marriage and drove it straight into YOUR heart. She RUPTURED your reality and she thinks she can blackmail your emotions now. The nerve!! I don't think so. She needs a reality check. YOU need time processing this pain that wasn't there before HER choice to devastate your heart. She can get the F over herself. Sorry... That pisses me off for you.


The first thing that came to mind when I read his post about her not wearing her wedding ring and why was, what next, is she going to threaten to hold her breath, like a 5 year old.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I tried R for 9 months, after being divorced about a year and a half. It didn't work and I had big problems with a similar bratty attitude (in other areas). 

However, she never asked or pressured me to wear a ring, even though she put hers back on immediately. This is one of the things she did right and I'm thankful for. She seemed to understand that if I wasn't ready, it wouldn't mean much anyway and would only cause resentment if it was pushed. That's the attitude and understanding I would be looking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Bigdogs

When you are ready to wear your ring is when you wear it. You don't wear it a day before you are ready, this decision is yours and yours only. As for your wife, ask her to give you the definition of the word wife. Is it someone who goes out and has affairs or is it someone who respects marriage and is true to her husband? Is it someone who has an affair then expects her husband to dote on her? I don't see your wife as remorseful at all. I would question if the affair is still continuing. Your wife is acting like a child, your wife has no empathy for you, and I seriously question if she has any respect for you. My opinion of your wife is that she feels entitled to her affair, blame shifting the faults to you, and isn't responsible for her actions. 

I may be wrong Bigdogs about your wife, but she is not ready for reconciliation, that I am sure of. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

My wife is not the problem here. She has done everything right and put in all the work. I am the one who put in minimal work and just expected things to go back to normal without addressing my contributions to the breakdown of the marriage. We live in a very small town and the rumors about her were horrible and embarrassing. And totally untrue. U told her I want to work things out but am not wearing my ring because I don't want people in our town thinking I am being a pushover. I have told the people I shared with that we are working it out and I didn't tell them the whole story and to be respectful of my wife but I have done nothing to address the people in our town that just talk for the sake if talking. since we don't personally know them my wife thinks that by putting on a united front it will shut them up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

People will talk no matter what. That's just human nature. 

I can understand the desire to put on a unified front. Personally, for me, that wouldn't be a good enough reason to wear a wedding ring. 

You've gotta do what is best for you, and that's up to you to decide. Not us, not her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Actually, I never removed my ring. My ring -- and that I wear it -- is a symbol of MY commitment, MY dedication, and MY loyalty to my wife and marriage, and I will wear it until either (a) I am _at least_ (legally) separated or (b) gravity removes it from my long-dead hand.

Why should I have removed my ring simply because my wife -- by her actions -- indicated that her devotion to me and our marriage were not as fierce as my own?

If I'd ever felt inclined to insist that one of us not wear our ring(s), I'd have asked my wife to remove hers in my presence but wear them in public.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bigdogs said:


> My wife is not the problem here. She has done everything right and put in all the work. I am the one who put in minimal work and just expected things to go back to normal without addressing my contributions to the breakdown of the marriage. We live in a very small town and the rumors about her were horrible and embarrassing. And totally untrue. U told her I want to work things out but am not wearing my ring because I don't want people in our town thinking I am being a pushover. I have told the people I shared with that we are working it out and I didn't tell them the whole story and to be respectful of my wife but I have done nothing to address the people in our town that just talk for the sake if talking. since we don't personally know them my wife thinks that by putting on a united front it will shut them up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You both have got way too much to focus on to make a reconcilliation successful than to be worrying about the rest of the town. 

What work has she put in?

What work are you doing?

Things will never be the same as before. You have a new normal. IF y'all survive it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I'm not reconciling so I haven't worn my wedding ring in two years yet the indentation is still in my finger. Really thought that would have gone away by now. 

Your heart will tell you when its time to put it back on. Don't be pressured into putting it on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

In my opinion, bigdogs has a story that is a bit unlike the standard script. I think he probably needs advice here that is also apart from the standard script. For anyone who hasn't seen his earlier thread, here it is:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/261353-dont-know-what-make.html

The picture fills out more with his post on page 21.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

bigdogs said:


> My wife is not the problem here. She has done everything right and put in all the work. I am the one who put in minimal work and just expected things to go back to normal without addressing my contributions to the breakdown of the marriage. We live in a very small town and the rumors about her were horrible and embarrassing. And totally untrue. U told her I want to work things out but am not wearing my ring because I don't want people in our town thinking I am being a pushover. I have told the people I shared with that we are working it out and I didn't tell them the whole story and to be respectful of my wife but I have done nothing to address the people in our town that just talk for the sake if talking. since we don't personally know them my wife thinks that by putting on a united front it will shut them up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Since YOU started the rumors (that turned out to be untrue) don't you owe it to her to make this right?

You also betrayed your wife. You committed financial infidelity, and almost lost your house all behind her back. You had to empty her entire retirement account to fix your financial mistakes. 

She spoke to a mutual friend, with your complete knowledge for 10 days, no sexting, no declarations of love, no lying to you. How is this some major betrayal? She was 100% honest with you. She went "no contact", you keep punishing her and you admit you aren't doing the work. She asked you to go to marriage counseling for a full year before her 10 day EA, you refused. You encouraged her and the other man to be together! 

Even your posting here. You let people bash your wife without having a clear picture and then you add a bit of information. If they knew the whole story their advice would probably be much different. You don't seem to want things to get better. Your marriage is in trouble and it isn't all on her at all.


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## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

I only told my blackbelts. The othe man's wife is the one who told everyone else in the community. Again I knew she was talking to him. I had no idea how close they had gotten or what they were talking about. I admit I ****ed up. With things I had done. I still feel that and she states that what happened between them was wrong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You also told your neighbor and allowed him to call her the C word...Come on BigDogs, she has begged for forgiveness...Why are you still not doing the work?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> In my opinion, bigdogs has a story that is a bit unlike the standard script. I think he probably needs advice here that is also apart from the standard script. For anyone who hasn't seen his earlier thread, here it is:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/261353-dont-know-what-make.html
> 
> The picture fills out more with his post on page 21.





kristin2349 said:


> Since YOU started the rumors (that turned out to be untrue) don't you owe it to her to make this right?
> 
> You also betrayed your wife. You committed financial infidelity, and almost lost your house all behind her back. You had to empty her entire retirement account to fix your financial mistakes.
> 
> ...





kristin2349 said:


> You also told your neighbor and allowed him to call her the C word...Come on BigDogs, she has begged for forgiveness...Why are you still not doing the work?


Dude.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Seriously. Start working your ass off to save your marriage or give your wife a favorable divorce. I usually don't say this to a BS but I think you might have more to answer for than your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Seriously. Start working your ass off to save your marriage or give your wife a favorable divorce. I usually don't say this to a BS but I think you might have more to answer for than your wife.


Honestly, I'm having a hard time coming to terms w/ the notion that the scenario described above could be considered -- by anyone -- to be an EA... which means that I can't quite see how OP could be considered a BS.

Sooo... assuming that the summary provided by Kristin above is on the money, I hereby offer this to the OP...

Dude. Quit w/ the bullsh*t, put your ring back on, and get to work on your marriage... before your wife decides that she's done w/ it.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Honestly, I'm having a hard time coming to terms w/ the notion that the scenario described above could be considered -- by anyone -- to be an EA... which means that I can't quite see how OP could be considered a BS.
> 
> Sooo... assuming that the summary provided by Kristin above is on the money, I hereby offer this to the OP...
> 
> Dude. Quit w/ the bullsh*t, put your ring back on, and get to work on your marriage... before your wife decides that she's done w/ it.



You don't have to take my word for it. OP and his wife posted on Surviving Infidelity under Lost65 (her) and BigDogs...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

bigdogs -

Didn't the OM's W lie to you, giving you the impression that there was a PA when there wasn't? And, if I remember correctly, you have a diagnosis of Aspergers (?).

I'm sympathetic to you and think you are trying. Don't worry about looking like a pushover to other people. Your marriage is what is important.

I think you should put your ring back on and work with your wife to reconcile. It's between you and her, not you and her and the rest of the town.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Kristen, what is your take on that man showing up to their house?

Why do you think he was there?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Kristen, what is your take on that man showing up to their house?
> 
> Why do you think he was there?


Hmm... that's an interesting question. I actually hadn't thought about this before now.

Given all of the rumors that the guy's wife had spread concerning him and OP's wife, why would he have bothered showing up over there?

Something doesn't add up.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... that's an interesting question. I actually hadn't thought about this before now.
> 
> Given all of the rumors that the guy's wife had spread concerning him and OP's wife, why would he have bothered showing up over there?
> 
> Something doesn't add up.


Exactly....


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I forgot about that. This whole thing is too freaky weird.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... that's an interesting question. I actually hadn't thought about this before now.
> 
> Given all of the rumors that the guy's wife had spread concerning him and OP's wife, why would he have bothered showing up over there?
> 
> *Something doesn't add up*.


The thing about their threads is that she started them on SI long before he found she was posting on WW section. She always spoke about the whole thing as just a short EA but it sometimes read like there was more that she wasn't admitting or she was filtering her side to not appear as bad. Taking her side at face value, OP should put ring on and show his wife love and accept the love his wife is trying to show him but when I read all threads on both forums, I just can't escape that feeling that there is more to everything.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Kristen, what is your take on that man showing up to their house?
> 
> Why do you think he was there?


IDK, the one thing that IS consistent is that BigDogs doesn't ever give anything remotely close to the whole story.

For all we know he was not at all clear with "OM" who was a friend of theirs for years about NC. So he probably thought enough time had passed and that they were OK. Either way it was pretty much a non event. 

BigDogs could have just asked, and then re-stated NC ever. But he missed that perfect opportunity an hemmed and hawed about it here:scratchhead: I think as Adriana said he was looking for sympathy and support here, but only telling bits of the story. 

BigDogs is deflecting and evading his own responsibility in this marriage. He admits he messed up, he needs to stop treating his wife like this. She will get tired of being his punching bag sooner or later. 

Having Aspergers is not an excuse for the emotional abuse, financial infidelity and abandonment of their marriage. His reaction to what she did is extreme. I mean really she talked to a friend for 10 days, does she need to wear a Scarlett A forever in public to please him? 

I think he likes to keep finding ways to keep this hurt of his fresh so she doesn't have a chance to address the wrong he did.

I was cheated on for real, I try not to minimize what anyone considers cheating. But in this case, he needs to own his sh!t, and start working. Just my .02.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

jsmart said:


> The thing about their threads is that she started them on SI long before he found she was posting on WW section. She always spoke about the whole thing as just a short EA but it sometimes read like there was more that she wasn't admitting or she was filtering her side to not appear as bad. Taking her side at face value, OP should put ring on and show his wife love and accept the love his wife is trying to show him but when I read all threads on both forums, I just can't escape that feeling that there is more to everything.


That might be true. The feeling I can't escape is that of the two she tells a much more complete story and shows some remorse and complete willingness to work on things.

He doesn't do the same. He has continually and conveniently turned this into the ONLY issue in their marriage. Great for him since he has admitted he was afraid his wife was going to leave so he blew all her money to keep her from doing so.

She has continued taking huge rations of $h!t, why is anyones guess. She has acted appropriately, shown proper remorse and a willingness to work on their marriage. He hasn't, he is still doing the same stuff that caused her to want out of their marriage and beg for counseling.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Is the OM's name Bob?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Is the OM's name Bob?


? IDK, do you know them Blossom? Mrs. BigDogs has horses


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## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

Bob is the next door neighbor that I work with. He was calling my wife names. Yes my wife has horses. I do want to ay something about the OM. He and his wife were friends with my wife. They were not close to me other than coming over to watch an occasional fight on pay per view. I did encourage her to ask him for help with manual labor things because there animals were.boarded at the same pasture so he was around and I was busy. 

I am trying to change. Having aspergers makes it harder, it's feels almost like OCD I just can't let things go. My wife did have another surgery on Tuesday and I was there from start to finish even though she told me she would be fine alone. I may be slow getting things but eventually I will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Being there for her surgery was a good first step BigDogs.

You are aware you have a hard time letting things go. In this case you need to work harder since you say Aspergers is partly to blame. It is not an excuse to flog your wife for her past mistakes. It is something to work around, do you understand that?

I encourage you to stay in therapy. If you love your wife and want your marriage to work, put your ring back on. Start working on your issues, this is not all on your wife.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

bigdogs said:


> Bob is the next door neighbor that I work with. He was calling my wife names. Yes my wife has horses. I do want to ay something about the OM. He and his wife were friends with my wife. They were not close to me other than coming over to watch an occasional fight on pay per view. *I did encourage her to ask him for help with manual labor things because there animals were.boarded at the same pasture so he was around and I was busy.*
> 
> I am trying to change. Having aspergers makes it harder, it's feels almost like OCD I just can't let things go. *My wife did have another surgery on Tuesday and I was there from start to finish even though she told me she would be fine alone.* I may be slow getting things but eventually I will.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bigdogs you have to be there for your wife like that ALL the time. Even if she says "Bigdogs, that's ok, I can go by myself." 

I know that martial arts has given your life purpose and direction but you still must be there in the critical times for your wife. You have to be her rock.
Part of being that rock is doing the boring, dirty stuff. Not encouraging her to go to another man out of convenience to your school's schedule. 

It's time to put the ring on and lead marriage by example. Though your wife knows you have aspergers, she still wants her man to be her rock. From now you help her with horses and be there for her while she struggles through surgeries. Hug and kiss your wife passionately daily.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

No, I was studying the their stories on the other forum.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> No, I was studying the their stories on the other forum.


Hey with all the strange turns this has taken, I had to ask


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Lol... Understood. 

I do have more to share, but it will be tomorrow before I get to it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Or two days.. lol. Mondays are not always conducive to long posts for me. bigdogs are you still around?

I was going to share some things that helped my H and I that would go outside of the original question on this thread, so I wanted to ask first before launching into it on whether you wanted me to do that or not.


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## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Or two days.. lol. Mondays are not always conducive to long posts for me. bigdogs are you still around?
> 
> I was going to share some things that helped my H and I that would go outside of the original question on this thread, so I wanted to ask first before launching into it on whether you wanted me to do that or not.


I am still here.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bigdogs said:


> I am still here.


Are you up to hearing what helped us. Not sure how you are feeling.


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## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Are you up to hearing what helped us. Not sure how you are feeling.


I am up for things that will help. Things have been going very well. I just get caught up on snags that shouldn't matter and I can't seem to move past them.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bigdogs said:


> I am up for things that will help. Things have been going very well. I just get caught up on snags that shouldn't matter and I can't seem to move past them.


Your willingness will serve you well.

I spent some time studying what I had access to over on SI.

And just so you know a little about me, I have been on both sides of infidelity. I have also seen it around me and at a barn no less. I also have horses and my H isn't a "horse person" so your situation had many layers similar to both of my marriages. I was married the first time for 17 years. This time we are going on 8. I am also a mom and a Christian. Are either of you believers?

So, I wanted to share with you a perspective that helped my H and I last year. He had an affair on me in 2012. My world was totally ruptured. The first few months were sheer emotional survival. We hit Jan 2013 and by then I knew I needed outside help. We eventually picked www.affairrecovery.com and took their 13 week class. We picked it because it addresses the pain on both sides, but makes SURE the wayward spouse understands YOUR pain and from what I see from the posts your wife has made and comments she has made, her empathy is VERY limited. And this is tough because I also experienced HER pain. My first husband had hobbies and work that meant he was rarely home and when I begged him to make time for me it fell on deaf ears until I too ended up in an affair (this was the poor choice). I eventually divorced him after giving him another eight years. Your wife has felt abandoned and YOU have felt deeply betrayed. So where do you go from here...

First, this guy who just showed up at the house was there because he felt it was ok for him to be there... why is that? And why Easter AND unannounced. Affairs that happen between horse boarders doesnt have to show up on electronic devices because at horse barns and in the woods are a myriad of places for quickies. I witnessed an affair unfold at our barn between the owner's daughters husband and one of the boarders and it was ALWAYS at the barn out back where no one could see. They eventually were caught, so I am also of the mindset that more has happened and is being down played by your wife. Even if she said "it was heading that way".... that means IN PERSON there was talk about taking it there. 

So.... I see that both of you need to respect the pain in the other person and she better be willing to be completely forthright about what happened and I am not convinced that she is. But here is what helped us... not only the affair recovery class, but also both of us realizing that the past is the past and we both were destructive and if we are choosing to move forward together then we HAVE to have a working perspective that is effective.

Here is what we chose. Extreme Home Make Over Marriage Edition. (my own words) In other words, we picked up NOTHING from the past. It was all rubble. We ONLY focused on allowing the things to be built on our bare dirt that we KNEW were constructive to solid healthy relationships. It took us a solid year to walk that path AFTER the first year of survival. We envisions what kind of home we wanted and mutually agreed on how to cultivate it at home. That meant personal assessment and personal responsibility had to be on point. I had to use the book Boundaries by Townsend a lot because my H was still learning not to be abusive. We wanted a peaceful, fun and loving home and have worked hard to cultivate that. What that did was leave no room for the negative destructive stuff.

It was during that year my H came to Christ, which was a beautiful thing to watch. We surrounded ourselves with professional counselors and church counselors. Big blessings.

I hope I explained well. Its hard to condense it because SO MUCH happened.


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## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

My wife has a lot of empathy. She is one of the most tenderhearted, loving people I know. She has been through a lot in the last two years and is very blunt with things now because that is the only thing I get. 

We are both believe in god. Her more so than I. Her IC is a christian counselor. Will write more later when I can use the computer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Her being direct with you is good. This will benefit y'all. Glad you are both believers, it will affect how I move forward. I'm glad to know she is generally empathetic. Just know that resentment affects it and right now in this season she is affected toward you and this needs addressing and I will share why later


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Man I'm so glad I got out of the horse business long ago. 


I don't miss any of that b.s.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Man I'm so glad I got out of the horse business long ago.
> 
> 
> I don't miss any of that b.s.


I understand what you mean. A lot goes on that is bad and I stay away from it.


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## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I understand what you mean. A lot goes on that is bad and I stay away from it.


My wife loves horses. Has since she was a little girl. She grew up on a ranch. When she asked me 2 years ago that since we spend so much money on my martial arts if she could have something for her. Then she said "Horse or a Harley" little did I know that she had already knew I would not let her have a Harley, she already had a horse picked out. It was a one-eyed belgian mare. She picked her up from a rescue because she was a cancer survivor like she was. Said it was fate.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bigdogs said:


> My wife loves horses. Has since she was a little girl. She grew up on a ranch. When she asked me 2 years ago that since we spend so much money on my martial arts if she could have something for her. Then she said "Horse or a Harley" little did I know that she had already knew I would not let her have a Harley, she already had a horse picked out. It was a one-eyed belgian mare. She picked her up from a rescue because she was a cancer survivor like she was. Said it was fate.


Honey I wasn't saying I stay away from horses. I have two of them and they helped teach me to stand up to abuse. Mine was fate too. I too have loved them since I was a child. My point was, I stay away from the humans choosing poor behavior like cheating on their spouses in the woods on rides and around the barns and focus on my family and horses.

Make sure your wife is in my camp now and not the other camp of people. And make sure she didn't break your marital covenant physically while she WAS in the other camp. Once your mind is settled on that and it already may be, y'all have some big work to do, so its good she is in counseling. Are you?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Man I'm so glad I got out of the horse business long ago.
> 
> 
> I don't miss any of that b.s.


* Bandito: I remember you as being the very first person to alert me of all of the renowned sexual shenanigans that went on amongst people engaged in the horse business, all while my rich, skanky, Appaloosa entrepreneur XW had been off on her many road trips, as her timelines had so aptly demonstrated ~ that she was summarily getting her ashes hauled by her two out-of-town boyfriends... and truth be told, by God only knows who else!

My eternal thanks to you, kind Sir, in enlightening the poor ol' ignorant dupe that I was at the time!*


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> * Bandito: I remember you as being the very first person to alert me of all of the renowned sexual shenanigans that went on amongst people engaged in the horse business, all while my rich, skanky, Appaloosa entrepreneur XW had been off on her many road trips, as her timelines had so aptly demonstrated ~ that she was summarily getting her ashes hauled by her two out-of-town boyfriends... and truth be told, by God only knows who else!
> 
> My eternal thanks to you, kind Sir, in enlightening the poor ol' ignorant dupe that I was at the time!*


See Big Dogs? Don't stick your head in the sand on the barn issues. You gotta think outside the box on this one.


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## bigdogs (Apr 14, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> See Big Dogs? Don't stick your head in the sand on the barn issues. You gotta think outside the box on this one.


I know that this never went physical. I do know that she was leaving me. She already had a place that she was supposed to move into 3 days after his wife came to my house to notify me of what was going on. She was not leaving to be with him, just leaving because my trip to Mexico without her was the straw that broke the camels back. He had already separated from his wife and started comforting my wife and telling her that she was going the right thing and basically trying to start something with her. She said it was nice to have someone to talk to that was going through the same things. Although I am sure if anything his wife told me was true that he made up most of what he was telling her trying to progress to the next level.

I spent the first 3 and a half months after D-day thinking that this was a fullblown physical long lasting affair. I had so much rage inside thinking how could she do that to me. Once I started calming down and listening to what was being told to me. Reading all the letters that she was writing to me, because we were not speaking. Things were not making sense, they were not adding up. Dates that I was told they were together were not possible, scenarios that were explained to me couldn't have happened. When I talked to his wife about discrepancies she admitted that she had lied to try to get me to force a confession from my wife. She said that her husband told her that things never gotten physical with my wife, but he did admit sleeping with the other three women that she found out about. She said she was sorry for lying to me. That is when things started to take a turn in my marriage. I started paying attention to things going on around me.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Ok good... so you feel you have that settled. What is your vision for your home? What do you want to see there consistently in your relationship. For us it was peaceful, loving, fun and safe. Mone and sex were not an issue, safety and fun were biggies. My H not only cheated, there was also abuse to deal with. You guys may not have that level to navigate, but choosing what you want your home life to be goes a LONG way to helping you choose next steps to make it happen. You may already be past this step.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Once I found out that my cheating ex-wife always wore her ring when she had sex with the jerk, "because it was her wedding ring, why would I take it off?" I immediately flung the stupid piece of gold off my ring finger since it was just jewelry to her.

I didn't even see where it landed, didn't care, never put it on again.

Pissed her off for being "dramatic".

All I could think of was her holding his thing with her left hand and it made me sick to my stomach.

We didn't divorce for another three years.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Honey I wasn't saying I stay away from horses. I have two of them and they helped teach me to stand up to abuse. Mine was fate too. I too have loved them since I was a child. My point was, I stay away from the humans choosing poor behavior like cheating on their spouses in the woods on rides and around the barns and focus on my family and horses.


Like I've said, a woman who learns to handle horses as a girl, knows how to handle men when she grows up.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

michzz said:


> Once I found out that my cheating ex-wife always wore her ring when she had sex with the jerk, "because it was her wedding ring, why would I take it off?" I immediately flung the stupid piece of gold off my ring finger since it was just jewelry to her.
> 
> I didn't even see where it landed, didn't care, never put it on again.
> 
> ...


Three years too many.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> * Bandito: I remember you as being the very first person to alert me of all of the renowned sexual shenanigans that went on amongst people engaged in the horse business, all while my rich, skanky, Appaloosa entrepreneur XW had been off on her many road trips, as her timelines had so aptly demonstrated ~ that she was summarily getting her ashes hauled by her two out-of-town boyfriends... and truth be told, by God only knows who else!
> 
> My eternal thanks to you, kind Sir, in enlightening the poor ol' ignorant dupe that I was at the time!*


When I was a kid, we would all come together on Saturday nights at weekly "potluck" ropings and gymkhanas. It was family thing. Ranchers and their wives and kids and cousins and grandparents... just a bunch of like minded ranch folk who loved horses, loved the cowboy life, and loved getting together to rope, run barrels, tie goats, ride broncs... These were real ranchers, cowboys and horse people...not the wealthy, gypsy pageant queens that have taken over the horse world today with their 50 foot $100,000 trailer vans and $200,000 purebreds. 

I miss those days. I miss smelling the heady perfume of horse sweat on my Tex Tan roping saddle, listening to my horse munch on his bit and spinning the cricket, the feel of my rope slapping my ******, smelling the dust, staring at all the girls in their tight Wranglers... Those were fun times. It is a way of life that is steadily disappearing.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Like I've said, a woman who learns to handle horses as a girl, knows how to handle men when she grows up.


Yes Sir, she does


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> When I was a kid, we would all come together on Saturday nights at weekly "potluck" ropings and gymkhanas. It was family thing. Ranchers and their wives and kids and cousins and grandparents... just a bunch of like minded ranch folk who loved horses, loved the cowboy life, and loved getting together to rope, run barrels, tie goats, ride broncs... These were real ranchers, cowboys and horse people...not the wealthy, gypsy pageant queens that have taken over the horse world today with their 50 foot $100,000 trailer vans and $200,000 purebreds.
> 
> I miss those days. I miss smelling the heady perfume of horse sweat on my Tex Tan roping saddle, listening to my horse munch on his bit and spinning the cricket, the feel of my rope slapping my ******, smelling the dust, staring at all the girls in their tight Wranglers... Those were fun times. It is a way of life that is steadily disappearing.


Yes Sir, it is, which is why I admire this woman... Ende of the Trail |


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