# Ladies, depressed husband



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Ladies, 
Does depression from your husband kill your sexual desire for him?

The reason I ask is because I have been having a great deal of personal problems. Business is bad, only sister abandoned my parents who are 80 years old, my father has serious health problems, son going to college and is a party animal, handicapped daughter is creating much stress, etc. etc.

The last month I have been extremely tired and stressed. It is leading to depression. I know what it feels like because I have fought with this on and off for years.

Anyway, when your husband has bouts of depression, how does it effect your view of him sexually? I try to do my best and I currently do take medication, but sometimes I just can't be who I want to be 100% of the time. I have been trying so hard to spice things up in the bedroom for years and I feel this situation is going to screw up everything I've worked so hard on.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Not a lady, but...

How does your depression manifest itself in relation to your wife? Does it come out as sadness, anger, closing yourself off...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Not a lady, but...
> 
> How does your depression manifest itself in relation to your wife? Does it come out as sadness, anger, closing yourself off...?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great question.
Typically sadness and anger. Just a generally pissy mood. If I say something stupid I do apologize quickly. My wife does seem understanding because I try not to hide anything. I tell her upfront why I feel the way I do, but I'm constantly afraid that she will see me as weak.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

UMP, sorry to hear things not going well.

You're asking women about this, so i'll let them give you advise, just wanted to say I've been there and suffered from severe depression twice in my life.
it's no fun for sure. the only good thing is you do come out of it.

hope things get better.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I'm sorry you're feeling down. 
I'm sure your wife doesn't see you as weak. 
Depression can definitely affect my drive. 
I try to keep positive & happy, get decent amount of sleep & go for long walks. 
Sometimes we can't control things in life like family or the economy. 
It's important to focus on the good things that you have in life. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UMP said:


> The last month I have been extremely tired and stressed. It is leading to depression. I know what it feels like because I have fought with this on and off for years.


OMG, perhaps this is the opportunity to fix your sex life for a few months. You always hear horrible things about codependency, but if it is a temporary thing it can be extremely positive! 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency



> *Enmeshed romantic relationship*
> These relationships typically have a rapturous beginning, a feeling of a whirlwind romance. The codependents feel drawn to each other as if they're soul mates or some omnipotent entity has brought them together, *the feeling is euphoric*


I'm not saying this to be a troll, but if you seriously need help to pick yourself back up and you actually be vulnerable and allow your wife to help you, it can be a very bonding experience!

Badsanta


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

UMP said:


> Great question.
> Typically sadness and anger. Just a generally pissy mood. If I say something stupid I do apologize quickly. My wife does seem understanding because I try not to hide anything. I tell her upfront why I feel the way I do, but I'm constantly afraid that she will see me as weak.


If your wife is anything like mine, once the pissiness is out there, no amount of apologizing can undo the damage. Keeping that in check is critical. 

Do you have any emotional support besides your wife? If you are relying on her emotionally, don't be surprised if it affects her desire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> If your wife is anything like mine, once the pissiness is out there, no amount of apologizing can undo the damage. Keeping that in check is critical.
> 
> Do you have any emotional support besides your wife? If you are relying on her emotionally, don't be surprised if it affects her desire.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Another great point and exactly my fear.
No, I really do not have any other emotional support and that's part of the problem.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> UMP, sorry to hear things not going well.
> 
> You're asking women about this, so i'll let them give you advise, just wanted to say I've been there and suffered from severe depression twice in my life.
> it's no fun for sure. the only good thing is you do come out of it.
> ...


It's a strange time in my life. Kids moving out and parents getting old and sick. My sister simply sold her house and moved 500 miles away. She used to live less than a mile from my parents. Now, it's all on me.
I just don't want my wife to lose her attraction for me or I'll REALLY get depressed. Currently, sex is one of the positive things in my life.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

badsanta said:


> OMG, perhaps this is the opportunity to fix your sex life for a few months. You always hear horrible things about codependency, but if it is a temporary thing it can be extremely positive!
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
> 
> ...


I cannot see anything attractive about codependency.
The last big problem I had was my heart attack and my wife DID lose attraction for me because I depended on her(emotionaly) so much for a couple years.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I don't mind carry the relationship if my man is down and suffering. But if it goes on too long, then, I get annoyed. How much is too long, I can't say for sure. it's a depends on siutation.

I dont think I would find you weak but if you took out your angry on me too often then it can do some terrible damage. Which will take lots of effort and time to fix. 

I am a nuturerer and a fixer. So, when things like this happens in our life, I try to fix it for my H. I hate to see him sad and depressed. So I going into my caring mode and start treating him like my child. Which is very bad for your sex life. So, I have to becareful and dont over do it too much. 

I have the tendency to take over to sort things out for him and give him ideas how to fix things. or I just step in a fix things for him. It depends on if he allows me to do that. 

I would spend time talking him thru things. Pointing out the positives and how to improve. How to bring him back to his normal self. I also, tend to pray alot for him when he is like this. I believe in the power of prayer. 

Sometimes, I think we depend on each other too much. If one of us dies, then, the other will suffer. 
@UMP, I dont know if you belief in God. But if you do, please share your burden with him. Things will get better. I know you know, that life does not always give us smooth sailing. Sometimes, the water gets really choppy.

Let your relationship with your wife be your anchor. Continue to put your energy into your sex life. Maybe this is an opportunity to improve things between you two and bring you closer.

Check into getting care for your parents, look into alternative care. Wheather that be a group house or having someone come in to care for them. 

Business will pick up, just keep working at it and keep building relationships. 

Take care of yourself. Do all the things we normally tell others to do. Don't judge what you are going thru now as who you are. Take things one day at a time. Think positive. What you send out in the universe is what will return to you. Dont think doom and gloom. Think of sucess and getting better. 

Wishing you well.
Ann


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> I don't mind carry the relationship if my man is down and suffering. But if it goes on too long, then, I get annoyed. How much is too long, I can't say for sure. it's a depends on siutation.
> 
> I dont think I would find you weak but if you took out your angry on me too often then it can do some terrible damage. Which will take lots of effort and time to fix.
> 
> ...


Ann, 
Thank you very much for your kind words. I think my wife is like you in many ways. She is a nurturer, but if she has to do this for too long the sex goes in the tank.

Yes, I do pray daily. Thanks for reminding me about God. Sometimes it's hard to remember the fact that no matter how dark it gets, God is always there.

Thanks! It really helps me to write all this out.

I know this sounds strange, but aside from my wife, TAM is probably my go to for emotional support.... and my beagle.:grin2:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Another thing to consider is that your wife might also be stressed and become depressed about taking care of depressed husband plus her other stresses. I have a depressed person in my family, and it's sometimes hard for him to see that other people are also struggling because he is mired in his own struggle. We don't get upset with him for that, but we also don't live with him every day.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Come here. Rely on us. Do not lean on your wife.

Not fair. Not even. But that is the way it works. If your wife knows she can rely on you for emotional support, most likely that helps her see you as more attractive. If your wife thinks you are leaning on her for emotional support, most likely that kills off her desire for you.

Do not share your inner fears and torments with your wife. Share with your wife the progress you are making in working through your fears and torments. Let her see you taking action to address your problems. That is strong and sexy.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Ump, something you can do for yourself is get involved with a men's group doing some activity. Developing a strong relationship with other men can help you blow off steam in a productive way so you're less likely to take out any negativity on your wife. You'll also find another base for some emotional support, although it will likely have more cussing and farting. 

Join a hiking group or take up boxing. Something like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

UMP said:


> Ladies,
> Does depression from your husband kill your sexual desire for him?
> 
> The reason I ask is because I have been having a great deal of personal problems. Business is bad, only sister abandoned my parents who are 80 years old, my father has serious health problems, son going to college and is a party animal, handicapped daughter is creating much stress, etc. etc.
> ...


I truly believe that some times you need to fake it and maybe you are. I see it's like deodorant no one likes smelling you BO so you wear deodorant. Now this person is your SO so you don't have to wear it all the time but at least some of the times. In the same way you have to pretend to be happy some times. People need breaks from depressed people because it is just hard being around this all the time. 

Also the advantage of faking it is sometimes the act can lead to actually helping you feel better for a while. I believe whole hardheartedly in cognitive behavioral therapy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

UMP said:


> Yes, I do pray daily. Thanks for reminding me about God. Sometimes it's hard to remember the fact that no matter how dark it gets, God is always there.


Since we are being spiritual. 

One thing I learned when I was unemployed, twice in this most recent long term recession, was to let it go. I mean really let it go like they say, "God take the wheel". 

It came from desperation but once I did it was life changing. And when I say let go I mean don't worry. That doesn't mean don't be proactive, but it means when you start to ruminate on the problems you need to say to yourself, these are not my problems anymore they are God's problems. I can't tell you how much that really changed my life, and also made me feel much closer to God, it really made him real to me in my life. If you can do this it will change your life and outlook.

I now have a wonderful job that I feel like was made just for me. When I left the interview I actually teared up because it was like a miracle. I also never feel the same amount of fear I once did. 

Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband has never went through anything like this... . but I've seen others who were depressed.. it can drag anyone down.. 

Reading @brooklynAnn 's post.. I think very similar to her... just trying to imagine the situation..I don't at all mind trying to help a man out of a funk... having a bad month, one blow after anther... I don't expect a man to be Superman.. 

I can easily understand "situational blues".. I've surely been there myself .. when you are worried about something.. a layoff.. if you've recently got a scary health diagnosis...a special needs child would be ongoing.. but still ..there is a time for coming to grips through this...for coping.. leaning on each other... making the best of the situation.. we all need HOPE.. 

As a wife ...I'd feel if I can't bring this man to find some HOPE with me by his side.. trudging through this time together.. doing our best.. some laughter along the way.. to make up for the sadness... I'd become very very frustrated.. I can see how it could drag anyone down... wife or husband...

There is always something to be thankful for.. to look forward to...we may have to push ourselves to see it.. get out more.. try something new.. to refreshen our outlook..... so I guess my response is like hers.. there is a "Season" for mourning what has been lost.. for some depression.. we'll stand beside you.. but still we're aiming to overcome.. we so want to see your resilience in the face of whatever IS... this would surely help with sexual attraction.. and just getting back to the good..


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

UMP said:


> Ladies,
> * I have been trying so hard *to spice things up in the bedroom for years and I feel this situation is going to screw up everything I've worked so hard on.




Stop trying so hard.


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

UMP said:


> Ladies,
> Does depression from your husband kill your sexual desire for him?
> 
> The reason I ask is because I have been having a great deal of personal problems. Business is bad, only sister abandoned my parents who are 80 years old, my father has serious health problems, son going to college and is a party animal, handicapped daughter is creating much stress, etc. etc.


Depression isn't a result of the sorts of things you mentioned. It's internal. Otherwise everyone who has major problems would be depressed. You can bet there's tons of people in worse shape than you- no job, no money, fatal illnesses, facing jail terms, having no one in their life as a partner, etc. etc. They aren't all depressed.

You need to find the source and it's not outside somewhere, it's inside of you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

UMP said:


> Ladies,
> Does depression from your husband kill your sexual desire for him?
> 
> The reason I ask is because I have been having a great deal of personal problems. Business is bad, only sister abandoned my parents who are 80 years old, my father has serious health problems, son going to college and is a party animal, handicapped daughter is creating much stress, etc. etc.
> ...


Hi Ump, I can't answer your question, just wanted you to know you are not alone in having that same thought, and to acknowledge you have a lot on your plate to deal with. I know sometimes people say God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but when you are in the thick of it it can be a VERY heavy burden. I hope you can remember to BREATHE from time to time and make a little time each day just for yourself. And know that this is all NORMAL, virtually every one of us can go through bouts of depression during which our self esteem takes a hit, but if you have a loving spouse know that even if depression is a libido killer, she will love you through it all and has made vows to support you  Also know that when you are victorious over your obstacles is the time when a woman is absolutely most attracted to her man, so when you do accomplish a goal, even the smallest one, MAKE SURE to celebrate it with your spouse so you both reap the rewards. Having a partner to go through all the struggles is a blessing not to be taken for granted!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sharing your feelings rather than being snotty will go far. I'd much rather hear, "I'm feeling pretty anxious about ________ today" or I'm feeling down because of ________ today" than be on the receiving end of grumpiness or anger directed at me. Honesty brings out a nurturing in me and makes me feel valued and trusted by my husband. He never used to share his feelings, and when he does lately, I feel more connected to him.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Whirlpool said:


> Depression isn't a result of the sorts of things you mentioned. It's internal. Otherwise everyone who has major problems would be depressed. You can bet there's tons of people in worse shape than you- no job, no money, fatal illnesses, facing jail terms, having no one in their life as a partner, etc. etc. They aren't all depressed.
> 
> You need to find the source and it's not outside somewhere, it's inside of you.


When huge stresses last a long time and don't seem to be letting up, it sure can lead to depression. Normal people can only take so much before it begins to take a toll, physically and emotionally. It is called "situational depression." UMP has a lot on his plate and no relief in sight.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

UMP, you're wife isn't an emotional ignorant. She knows all the stress you are facing. 
@Fozzy asked a great question and you answered that you're showing sadness and anger along with a pissy mood in general. If you say something insensitive you apologize. 

The worst thing you can do is to shut down on her while you're feeling depressed. Seeking solitude, keeping your emotions in or not opening up in order to be the strong man you think she desires are not going to work well with almost any wife.

I don't think women expect their husbands to never be affected by life's traumatic events. I think women can be counted on to be emotionally supportive during these tough times. A husband who is dealing with these kind of burdens (and is consequently overwhelmed) doesn't cancel out his attractiveness. In other words, she's worried about you.

You need to be open, not whiny, about feeling overwhelmed. Trying to pretend you can handle everything just fine is false. "I feel overwhelmed with all of this. I'm worried about business, I'm worried about my parents, I'm afraid I won't be able to meet everyone's needs." In fact, you might even admit to her that you're biggest fear is that she won't be sexually attracted to you if you can't pretend well enough that you're confident and hopeful.

Yes, your wife feels most sexually turned on by your confidence. But she is a nurturer and as such she is aware of your struggle. As long as she feels loved by you, she will feel sexually attracted to you. But you have to be taking steps to take care of yourself. She has to see you making the effort to remain as healthy as possible.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

IAFAR: Doesn't matter if UMP's depression is "justified" or not. If he takes it out on his wife, she won't find that sexy. If he acts depressed around her, she won't find that sexy. If his wife finds a knight in shining armor sexy, she won't him sexy if he acts all pissy about having to fight the dragon. Sexy is having confidence you can slay the dragon. If you come back bloody and beaten, then your wife gets to tend your wounds. If you never get out of bed and don your armor, you don't get any tending.

Like I said, not fair, but often reality.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Since we are being spiritual.
> 
> One thing I learned when I was unemployed, twice in this most recent long term recession, was to let it go. I mean really let it go like they say, "God take the wheel".
> 
> ...


Awesome post, in more ways than one !!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I am printing this thread out and putting it in my briefcase for future reference.
Thank you ALL !!


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> IAFAR: Doesn't matter if UMP's depression is "justified" or not. If he takes it out on his wife, she won't find that sexy. If he acts depressed around her, she won't find that sexy. If his wife finds a knight in shining armor sexy, she won't him sexy if he acts all pissy about having to fight the dragon. Sexy is having confidence you can slay the dragon. If you come back bloody and beaten, then your wife gets to tend your wounds. If you never get out of bed and don your armor, you don't get any tending.
> 
> Like I said, not fair, but often reality.


I don't think women are that fragile or unsympathetic. When my hubby is out of sorts, or in a pissy mood, he'll tell me flat out what he is upset about and that he knows he isn't much fun to be around, but that it isn't about me. And yes, it isn't much fun to be around someone who is angry or depressed, but when there's a lot going on, it's easy to understand and feel sympathy.

OP, are you giving your wife enough credit? Will she really toss you aside because you've been under strain?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I can only speak from my own experience, but my wife has same as told me that she does not want to hear about my problems. Trying to share that stuff with her has been disastrous. 

It may be that my wife is outside the norm based on the other ladies' responses here, but that's been my experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> IAFAR: Doesn't matter if UMP's depression is "justified" or not. If he takes it out on his wife, she won't find that sexy. If he acts depressed around her, she won't find that sexy. If his wife finds a knight in shining armor sexy, she won't him sexy if he acts all pissy about having to fight the dragon. Sexy is having confidence you can slay the dragon. If you come back bloody and beaten, then your wife gets to tend your wounds. If you never get out of bed and don your armor, you don't get any tending.
> 
> Like I said, not fair, but often reality.


I don't know where you think I said it is OK to take it out on his wife. Nor did I say for him to stay in bed and wallow in his pain. 

What I said was that he needs to identify/name his feelings and be open about them with his wife. I might add that acknowledging what is going inside of you goes a long way toward releasing the anxiety. Stuffing it and trying to be strong turns a person into a volcano, and no one likes to live with that.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

IAFAR: Agreed that stuffing is bad. UMP can vent here. UMP can vent to his guy friends. He can vent to his wife if she is the supportive type who doesn't hold ti against him. But if she is the type who is attracted to her husband's strength, confidence and ability to triumph over adversity, he may have to "fake it until he makes it" in terms of over-sharing about his depression.

And UMP, depression is a treatable disease. One place you should be venting is with your doctor. No shame in taking AD meds. Just remember, some make you anorgasmic. That can be good or bad depending on your outlook. A little Viagra and some SSRI meds and you might trigger thoughts of that "if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours" warning.


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