# 33 year 'marriage'



## max8652 (Mar 18, 2014)

Well, I just turned 53...my wife will be 53 in a few months..and we've been married for 33 yrs. That's a long time, I know. At 19 you have no clue...about anything, really. You don't know who you will be....or what you may want in life. No amount of talking could convince either of us to wait.

The early part of our marriage was all fun, really. 2 kids playing house...having a great time w/ friends and just being kids. We had our first baby about 3 yrs in...I knew my wife's family was a mess...dysfunctional as all get out (I realize it now, but I never knew how it was going to affect my life). My wife was never shown much love...and love was never modeled in their house. Her parents didn't necessarily love each other....and were awful disrespectful to each other, almost all the time. She (wife) really doesn't know how to love...and there is a lot that goes along with that...I really don't want to go into all the details...but all she knows is what she saw growing up as normal...and to this day, thinks it is normal. She is almost indifferent about everything...except grandbabies and dogs....but she cannot feel passionate about anything. 

We had two daughters by the time we were 26. And in the next few years, I swore many times that as soon as the youngest finished high school, I was leaving...but I needed to stay and be an influence on the kids. I wanted them to know a different 'normal'.

Well, my youngest is 27 yrs old and I'm still in this marriage...we are still together for lots of reasons, but it has little to do with love...pride and guilt are the 2 biggies..but it is like living a lie.

My wife is not a monster, but her defensiveness and lack of respect (when she feels justified) has caused me to be a different person....in order to avoid stupid blow ups and crazy stuff, I've kind of lost my identity over the years,,,but because of that, we get along for the most part....I kind of just put my self in a box and would not let myself consider anything else...I made myself believe that it was as good as it could be....although, somewhere in my mind, I knew better...
We went to counseling a few yrs back...but, honestly, she thinks this is how it is..and thought it was a crazy idea that we were going....

A few months ago I decided to 'come out of my box'...and I faced the fact that our marriage is not much more that 2 co-workers sometimes working towards the same goal...and she has no idea, she thinks this is fine. I long to be loved...I long to love somebody. I know lots of guys lust for sexual stuff...my desires are more emotional and deep. I long to share thoughts and passions with somebody...and them me. I wish I could snap my fingers and make things different without any pain. When I think about ending the marriage, I imagine her as a little, annoying, destructive puppy...not knowing any better. And us breaking up, would be like leaving her at the pound....and I put her and my family through all kinds of crap, just on the chance that I find happiness....my life is not terrible, lots of people would say it is great (from the outside)....but I am so sad. 

I have no idea what to do....but I am really tired of this being the only thing on my mind. I am tired of just wallowing in it...I could probably just get back in my 'box' and quit thinking of it being any different....but I'll always know...I kind of feel like I am still paying for a dumb decision I made back when I was 19.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Very heartfelt post Max. It sounds to me that you have nothing left in this marriage, and that it is time to go. Your kids are grown adults, and your responsibilities to them are over in the sense of raising them.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

max8652 said:


> A few months ago I decided to 'come out of my box'...and I faced the fact that our marriage is not much more that 2 co-workers sometimes working towards the same goal...and she has no idea, she thinks this is fine. I long to be loved...I long to love somebody.


You need to talk to her again about this.
Talk to her with the understanding that if this can't be fixed for your happiness then you have to move on and look for what you're longing for.

This might involve more counselling, I don't know but if for no other reason than the years you have invested you need to give this one more all or nothing shot.

If it doesn't work out you'll be able to move on knowing you did everything possible to save it.
No guilt, leave with a clean conscience and no "What if's?"

Set yourself a deadline, six months or a year or so after your talk, don't tell her about it but have it in your mind and when that deadline comes take a look back at what has happened in your relationship in that time.

If there's no improvement or not enough to give you hope then tell her you're filing for divorce and go talk to a lawyer.

As others have said, your kids are grown, your life is all yours again.
Don't waste it away.


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## max8652 (Mar 18, 2014)

Thanks, barbados and tacoma, for the replies. you have no idea how much of a relief it is just sharing this.

tacoma, you suggested one more shot...but I am almost sure that if I approached it like that, her defenses would kick in and her cooperation might not be there....seriously. But then, that in itself would be a try on my part, I guess..

I've been going over this in my mind...and here are a couple details that might be good to know....first of all, we are not financially independent (to say the least)...We've worked hard to get our kids raised and through college...then 2 weddings within 6 months (!!) back in 2010....we have a mortgage, but no cc debt. She works for the local gov't...not much salary, but health insurance is great and I'm on it, too.....I make more than her, but still not very much...between the two of us we live a modest life. I have no clue what would happen if we were both on our own...and my plans have been to be on her insurance when (if) retired...at little cost to us (as of now). Let me add, she will be able to retire in 2016...and her boss has already discussed her rehiring in her current position...which would be a great increase for her.

The second thing is this...my family is a very close knit group (my siblings)...them, and all of their kids (my nieces/nephews) love my wife....she is part of all of their lives..my family is the only source of support she has...her family is just an unstable bunch of nuts. This adds to my feelings of guilt. I have never mentioned anything to anyone in my family about how things are (although, my kids see it). I think my family's support has been a real good thing for my wife....it has helped her come as far as she has (I think)....

What a mess, I know...

Again, thanks for letting me share this...and I welcome any thoughts.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Well then you obviously have a very difficult choice to make. Clearly you have chosen comfort, financial stability, family stability, etc., over your happiness.

You are among the multi millions of married people who have made this similar choice.

So the real question is, "Do you have the internal belly fire to go for what you really want with the years you have left on this earth, or will you continue to play it safe ?"


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

With as unhappy as your are, your wife can't be happy either. Have you tried approaching in from that perspective? That you're not happy and you know she can't be happy, so maybe you can try to work on the relationship so you can both be happy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Please please please don't end your marriage. You sound like my side of my story. Unlike you I did fight argue etc...

Eventually she threw in the towel and left first.

I have been dying inside and my poor kids..

Whatever you decide don't go outside the marriage unless you are divorced.

But I truly think you and your wife should seek Marriage counseling from a marriage friendly counselor, there are websites that list them.. Then they can recommend an individual therapist if she needs one.


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## max8652 (Mar 18, 2014)

barbados, you are correct, it is a very difficult decision...and I have chosen other things over my happiness...although, somehow, at the time, some part of my mind actually convinced the other it was as good as it could get. Things were constantly moving....kids, college, weddings....we bought a 'project house' in 2011 and are still working on it (deliberate distraction?)....so many other things to focus on, that i barely thought about me and my needs.....or maybe it was easy for me not to think about it..... I somehow thought all that other stuff was more important than me trying to be happy. And please know, any comfort or financial/ family security I have chosen, was for her....I don't know how she'd make it....honestly. 

But you are right, the safest (and easiest) thing in the world would be to get back in my box and ride it out....but in order to make that decision, I need to understand all the ramifications...and what it might be like for both of us in the future.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Like you, i married young. I ended my 45 year marriage last summer. Cheating on his part was the reason, so a different situation than yours, but I know very well the difficulty of ending a long marriage.

He didn't want the divorce but I told him I wanted the chance to be happy for what remained of my life. Not that there was any guarantee that I would actually be happy but I wanted the opportunity before time ran out. I have never regretted it.

Only you know the right path for you.


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