# How to make husband a little dirtier?



## herberylong (Jan 26, 2009)

First, my husband is a great man and a wonderful, caring lover. And I do appreciate and love all of that in him. But......I have a desire for sometimes things to be a little dirtier. Nothing crazy, but maybe asome dirty talking, etc. Hard to explain because I cant exactly complain that he is boring, but he is a very caressing, "I love you" "You are beautiful" kind of lover. Which is wonderful, but honestly, I just would like it SOMETIMES to be a dirtier, more aggressive, more sex for sex sake kind of time. Honestly, I suppose I want both types, each at different times. When I try to express it to him, he seems to take it as that I don't like the romantic sex and that he is not pleasing me. When in actuality, I want that sometimes, but the other way at other times. I am at a loss as to how to get this across to him. I have tried EVERYTHING to get him to understand, from bjs in the car, to trashy lingerie, to gentle encouragement, to bold aggression....and on and on and on. I love my husband, and love and appreciate the caring lover that he is. But I cannot help that I feel another side of my own sexuality is not being satisfied. Any ideas on how to get my man to be dirtier, some of the time?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

it is apparent to me as i read this forum that several of us are mis-matched


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

herberylong-

I support you in your worthy cause.
May I ask you exactly how the conversations go?

I love to experiment sexually, the sky is the limit. But the one area I have failed in is in talking dirty. I had no idea she was into this, as it came out only very slowly. Although I'm totally relaxed about talking about sex and doing it, I am very polite. I will happily use the F word, but I'm not generally crude. It turns out she loves the crude talk. One thing we tried which worked quite well, was for her to whisper in my ear during sex, the sort of things she wanted me to say. I would then try and embellish and say them back to her. We got so far with this.

In return, I sometimes tell her what I want to hear. Sometimes it falls flat, but sometimes it is hugely rewarding. Our fantasies are totally different, so it is quite an effort to be inventive.


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## herberylong (Jan 26, 2009)

MarkTwain,
If you are referring to the out of bed conversations when I talk to him about this, it usually goes as I said. I say I would like things dirtier sometimes, it seems he doesn't understand. The actual content of the conversation from his end is that he points more toward why I must NOT like what he does do, which is not necessarily the case as you see from my previous post, instead of more toward what I wish was ADDED to our sex life. It is almost as if there is an undercurrent with him that he sees sex categorically. Not that it has ever been stated so simply but as if, in his mind: With someone that you love, you treat lovingly in bed. With someone that you are just f-ing, you just treat with what he sees as "badly". As if, Loving sex is for your wife and the woman you love. Dirty sex is what you give to prostitutes. And I generally either get frustrated and give up talking, or end up feeling guilty for making him feel bad when he is just trying to love and respect me in the way he knows how. 
If you are referring to the actual "in bed" convos, when I talk dirty, he listens. It doesnt seem as if he gets upset or offended, but there is no response. Just silence and continuation of the same movement but no verbal response or change in what is happening. And when I stop, there is a brief pause, then he will stroke my face or a part of me and express a romantic sentiment. Same occurs when I act or just AM dirty to try to encourage him.
And thanks for your reply, and again, any input is appreciated.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I think what you need to do is explain things better.

I see things like this:

I am very into sex, but for me, it has different segments.

There is the good old intercourse, which is the main meal.

But every now and then, I like to indulge in things that have nothing to do with acts that involve the possibility of procreation.

I see these "kinks" as being a distinct segment in their own right. I could not do without ordinary sex for more than a few days, whereas the other stuff, though highly erotic, is like the icing on the cake. Doing things from that menu just once or twice a month is sufficient. More is better up to a point.

So if you explain this idea of segments to him, he might not feel so threatened. Tell him you are 90% vanilla and 10% wild. Tell him that he does the 90% really well, but you want him to gain expertise at the kinky segment.

It all comes down to how you put it across.


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## herberylong (Jan 26, 2009)

Mark Twain,
Once again, thank you for your reply and input.
In the spirit of conversation and support, as I am really looking for advice on this, I am compelled to reply back.
First, let me be more explanatory on my way of approach. It is more than me saying "I would like it more dirty." I have been more than careful to start the conversations by letting him know that I enjoy what he does, that it satisfies one side of me. I have made a point of being unaccusatory, as well as have tried my best to be supportive, but get my point across at the same time. Hence, my confusion at what he does not get. 
Thank you for your take on things sexual. But I ask you to step outside of how you view things. I do understand what you mean by segments. But this is not an issue with him about straight intercourse, nor procreation. He does enjoy sex, just it seems that his idea of "the menu," "the icing" and what is exciting is passionate, romantic sex. And while I do feel he has it in him to explore other "kinks", that seems to be the after dinner drink that you may or may not have room for after the meal and dessert, but probably something that is not good for you in the meantime. While to me, it is something that is needed. To him, it is a matter of respect, and for him to participate in (or even express) those "kinks", he is not treating me as if he loves me. While to me...
I see sex in two ways.
There is the sex between two people where there is a sheer connection. Where it is showing, telling, expressing love to someone with your body. This is something that is necessary for an individual, as well as necessary for a marriage. It is wonderful, and "icing", too.
Also, there is sex that is for sheer fun and play. It is to express dirty openness and raw physicality. It is about trusting someone with your secrets and intimacies. And, yes, it is also about release. From stress, tough times, whatever. And I do see it as an intimacy to be able to just give in and be pleased, as well as to please in turn. It is the heat. It is definitely, definitely the candles on top of the icing on the cake. This is also something that is necessary and healthy for an individual, as well as a mariage. 
So, again, for my H, it is not just that he desires "good old intercourse." It is in I am looking for a way to come to common terms on how to get that flame. And to get across to him that for us to play, he is not disrespecting me. 
To say, "I am 90% vanilla and 10% wild" would not get the point across to him. It would not get him past this respect thing.
I did find it interesting that you mentioned him feeling threatened. I would like you to elaborate on that, please. It is an idea that I have not considered, nothing that has been my intention, and I suppose I am confused by what you see he is threatened by. Maybe when I have just come on to him that way, sort of a lets just jump into it with both feet kind of thing? Possibly, if I am coming across as threatening, I can get some input into exactly HOW, and we can solve this problem.
Again, your input, opinion, and advice is appreciated.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

At the end of the day if your sex life is pretty good then I'd be slow to risk damaging your relationship by pushing your hubby in directions he doesn't want to to go.

The problem with dirty talk is that I think that it takes more out of mens than various _dirty_ sex acts do.

I've found that it makes a lot of men uncomfortable I think they see it as once they verbalise something its hard to put it back in its box afterwards.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

How long have you been married or together?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I've been trying to explain this to my hubby for years. I think I finally explained it (and undertood it myself) in a way that made sense to him. Whether he can actually do it is another matter and we'll see.

We both masturbate (separately/ privately). I asked him what he uses as "stimulus" when he masturbates and he said visual imagery (he pictures a female bodily part, mine or whoever's). When we are having sex, seeing my body is what does it for him mentally. While the actual intercourse and touching and such is the part that gets his body going, his mind needs to be onboard or it won't work (or be as exciting or effective). He got that.

Anyway, I explained that when I masturbate, I have fantasies, stories, scenarios and that these have auditory stimuli in them (i.e., dirty talk). I told him that, for me, the auditory stimuli is part of what gets my mind aroused. I explained that during sex, it's hard for me to go "away" in my head into a fantasy and do that for myself - so it would be nice if he provided it with some of that verbal stimulation (i.e., dirty talk).

For me, it's about having him arouse my mind as well as my body - in the way that looking at my breasts, for example, around his mind. For some reason, staring at a penis doesn't do that for me LOL. The "dirtiness" factor of it is also arousing ... just being more raw and physical, rather than just loving. Loving has it's place, but I get what you are saying ... sometimes it's not about love and that should be okay.

Sorry that he's feeling hurt each time you bring it up. I know what it's like to have to handle a fragile male ego in the bedroom.

Oh, and by the way, my husband said something very interesting that might be insightful to you. He said women are used to reading romance novels and erotica and things of that nature that in many ways, "teach" us the language of "dirty talk". But men don't get those "lessons" because what they watch is porn or nudie magazines and those things are just about the chicks' moaning and groaning, which is what turns THEM on, so many men just haven't learned the "language of dirty talk". 

If your husband is just feeling not confident in what he could say, maybe have him read some erotica. Though if you've demonstrated by doing it for him in the bedroom, one would think he'd have a clue. STill working on mine, so not sure how "fixable" it really is.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MsLady ~ great comparison & explanation...makes a lot of sense.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

*MsLady*-

You make some great points there... I myself am somewhere in the middle. It's neither images nor words that do it for me, but the "erotic story line" or scenario. My wife is exactly the same as you, she likes to hear the "dirty talk" - but she only told me this less than a year ago, and I'm not that good at it. 

It's not prudishness - it's just that sex runs differently in my mind to hers. My erotic story-lines are very x rated for instance, but no-one talks dirty in them, they are too busy to talk! 

For me the images are not fully formed, I am not a visual person, so there is no need, but there are vague images there, but no effort is put into fleshing out the detail. However, the plot and the frisson inducing situation is sharpened to perfection.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

herberylong said:


> Thank you for your take on things sexual. But I ask you to step outside of how you view things. I do understand what you mean by segments.


Maybe I was not being honest enough, because I feel you and I are in _perfect_ agreement.



herberylong said:


> I see sex in two ways.
> There is the sex between two people where there is a sheer connection. Where it is showing, telling, expressing love to someone with your body. This is something that is necessary for an individual, as well as necessary for a marriage. It is wonderful, and "icing", too.
> Also, there is sex that is for sheer fun and play. It is to express dirty openness and raw physicality. It is about trusting someone with your secrets and intimacies. And, yes, it is also about release. From stress, tough times, whatever. And I do see it as an intimacy to be able to just give in and be pleased, as well as to please in turn. It is the heat. It is definitely, definitely the candles on top of the icing on the cake. This is also something that is necessary and healthy for an individual, as well as a mariage.


This is exactly what I meant about the two segments. However, I did not really come clean. So let me put it this way... 90% of the time, I can be very satisfied with raw and passionate, but never-the-less vanilla sex. But at least 10% of the time I *need* the wilder kinky stuff to really get out of my head - it's my drug.

I can get by for quite some time on the ordinary sex, but after a while, an irresistible urge for the wilder stuff builds up. It makes me feel that I have everything I want in life - that nothing is missing.

As for your question about him feeling threatened: It is the fallout form PC and Post-Feminism. Men have been told they must respect women at all times. To lust after them, to want to take them against their will is immoral, not to mention illegal. So what you have to get across to him is that you *want *these things. It's between consenting adults. You have to undo the PC notions of his conditioning.

So communication is the key. You have explain all this to him. If he is big on romance, then you need to say: I know this sounds strange, but I go all mushy at the thought of being "roughly taken" - assuming that is on of your turn-ons. If you can tell him that this *is *romance for *you*, you might release him from his guilt. If you get it really right, you will make him *want *to do it.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

*MarkTwain*:

It's interesting to hear that you do "storylines" or "scenarios." Because of the way my husband's imagery works, I thought it was the same for all guys ... but it makes sense that it isn't. I do stories and scenarios as well, just put words to them also. In essence, there's a lot of description of what's going on ... so the male might be saying things like "I'm going to do x, y, z to you" or "you feel so x, y, z" etc. Basically, the things I would want to hear.

Maybe it would help you with your wife if you merely described aloud some of your scenarios, at least those parts that are more formed in your mind. I would imagine that them being x-rated would be a turn-on ... I mean, if they're not x-rated, then what's the point. Mine are pretty darn nasty sometimes, but that's what we're talking about - getting "dirty" and raw. I think of the "loving sex" as having the lesser x-rated stuff: "You're so beautiful", "I love you", etc.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MsLady said:


> Mine are pretty darn nasty sometimes, but that's what we're talking about - getting "dirty" and raw.


OK, now you have my full attention


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

What a strange dilemma. It is usually the opposite complaint from women- that the man wants "dirty" sex and is not showing enough caring and intimacy.

I'd put a DVD player and a TV in the bedroom and get some erotic videos to watch while you two play. It should give him more than enough ideas to make sex more exciting.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Hi everyone, 

After doing some reading I discovered that of the top female fantasies being dominated and handled is most often at the top. Male masculinity and dominance make women go dizzy. Last night another man cuffed my wife and kept her on the edge of orgasm for a half hour, she said it was very mean! ha ha..Anyway, back to topic...see I created a character, a carefully chosen name and she never knows when he will come out but he came out last night. He isn't as nice to her as I am. He loves to tease her and make her beg for it, he loves to call her names and use her before she is allowed any pleasure. This can be fun, tell your hubby about it...


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i'd b happy to pm you on this as i have found both sides of what your going through. but what i say is a little crude, but it worked for us. 
i can tell you a little and this is where my sexual appetite for the dirty side came from. i took it to the bedroom with phenonimal results. a massive turn on for both of us.
i was sitting on a park bench and just one single word from the conversation triggered my brain - like a kickstart. 
i wont PM you incase you dont feel this information is helpful, i'd rather have your consent to reply.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

justean said:


> i'd b happy to pm you on this as i have found both sides of what your going through. but what i say is a little crude, but it worked for us.
> i can tell you a little and this is where my sexual appetite for the dirty side came from. i took it to the bedroom with phenonimal results. a massive turn on for both of us.
> i was sitting on a park bench and just one single word from the conversation triggered my brain - like a kickstart.
> i wont PM you incase you dont feel this information is helpful, i'd rather have your consent to reply.


i consent i conset!!!!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> i consent i conset!!!!


well ok then, if you need help. i wil reply to you. or are you joking?


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

Okeydokie, A high five on that missmatch!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

martino said:


> Last night another man cuffed my wife and kept her on the edge of orgasm for a half hour, she said it was very mean! ha ha..Anyway, back to topic...see I created a character, a carefully chosen name and she never knows when he will come out but he came out last night. He isn't as nice to her as I am. He loves to tease her and make her beg for it, he loves to call her names and use her before she is allowed any pleasure. This can be fun, tell your hubby about it...


Thanks martino! It's Mrs. Twains birthday today, I have a feeling this unsavoury character might be visiting our place tonight!!! Funilly enough (as part of an experiment), I have not let her cum for over a week, and she is GAGGING for it.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Yeah the other man rewarded her in the end though, she got the: "big three" rimming/fingers G spot/Magic wand on clit orgasm of her life. She won't be rejuved till Tuesday i'll bet.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

justean said:


> well ok then, if you need help. i wil reply to you. or are you joking?


any help is always appreciated


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## StillStanding (Feb 1, 2009)

herberylong said:


> MarkTwain,
> If you are referring to the out of bed conversations when I talk to him about this, it usually goes as I said. I say I would like things dirtier sometimes, it seems he doesn't understand. The actual content of the conversation from his end is that he points more toward why I must NOT like what he does do, which is not necessarily the case as you see from my previous post, instead of more toward what I wish was ADDED to our sex life. It is almost as if there is an undercurrent with him that he sees sex categorically. Not that it has ever been stated so simply but as if, in his mind: With someone that you love, you treat lovingly in bed. With someone that you are just f-ing, you just treat with what he sees as "badly". As if, Loving sex is for your wife and the woman you love. Dirty sex is what you give to prostitutes. And I generally either get frustrated and give up talking, or end up feeling guilty for making him feel bad when he is just trying to love and respect me in the way he knows how.
> If you are referring to the actual "in bed" convos, when I talk dirty, he listens. It doesnt seem as if he gets upset or offended, but there is no response. Just silence and continuation of the same movement but no verbal response or change in what is happening. And when I stop, there is a brief pause, then he will stroke my face or a part of me and express a romantic sentiment. Same occurs when I act or just AM dirty to try to encourage him.
> And thanks for your reply, and again, any input is appreciated.


OMG... I thought I was the only woman in the world dealing with this. I love making love to my boyfriend its a feeling that I cant even put into words but there are times where I want it rough to put it bluntly. My frustration comes from the fact the conversations he has will his friends would lead one to believe he wants to straight .... but in reality I only get it this way if he has been drinking. 
When I have discussed this with him he also says that you make love to your woman and you .... a *****. I dont want it this way all the time, just an a variety of the two. The sex we have is phenomenal, I just want to be able to cover all of his bases and mine.
He's not into phone sex, isnt into/comfortable with talking dirty, and he doesnt ask me for and turns down bjs when I attempt to  Im sorry, if this offends anyone but this is something that I love to do for him, love... but he says it takes more out of him and he cant handle it. (Where is the ripping my hair out smilie?) 
He was in a near sexless relationship for 12 years and Im wondering if he just got used to it or if as his friends put it "I oversexed him" in the beginning... Where was I was I when they gave out memo that read: ATTENTION: Men do not want sex all the time and bj's are a thing of the past? Help!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

StillStanding said:


> He was in a near sexless relationship for 12 years and Im wondering if he just got used to it or if as his friends put it "I oversexed him" in the beginning... Where was I was I when they gave out memo that read: ATTENTION: Men do not want sex all the time and bj's are a thing of the past? Help!


Yes, he has been conditioned by his Ex to not take anything for himself. If you can nurture him and tell him that you want him to take because you enjoy the giving, he might eventually get the message.

Insist on the BJs, but you don't need to carry on to completion - switch to intercourse half way through.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

I'm glad to see the rest of the world is still having sex........... sigh =(


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## StillStanding (Feb 1, 2009)

bhappy3 said:


> I'm glad to see the rest of the world is still having sex........... sigh =(


At once a week, it really doesnt feel like it


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Once a week? you are spoiled


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