# Been lurking for awhile but here goes...sorry its long



## Iridescent (Jan 12, 2016)

On New Years' Day, mu husband left me. We had just moved back to Cali in August from being in Ohio trying to pursue his career. The week we moved back, my husband asked me if he could invite his mother from to watch our 2 year old son while we got reorganized and unpacked, which I agreed to. She came for a few days and was helpful and nice, though somewhat emotional. I thought her emotional instability was due to a little too much soju. In between her visit when we came back and Christmas, my husband and I had a few tiffs, only one serious one, but nothing I considered extremely serious in our 5 or so years together. His mother came back 5 days before Christmas. She was again, emotional. I started to feel as if I had to constantly console her, while my husband seemed to be fairly nonchalant. We had a fairly nice Christmas, nothing too out of the ordinary. The day after Christmas, I went with my husband (who is a classic car junkie) to pick up a new car that he finally had found. It took awhile (maybe 5 hours)to get, as it wasn't close to our house. We left our son with his mom and went to get the car. On our way back, my hubby asked if I wanted to go on a ride, which I agreed. We dropped off my car and asked MIL if she was ok watching our son for a few more hours. She agreed. We were gone about 2 hours. When we got back, she was screaming in Japanese. My son started to cry because he was scared. She then yelled at him. Had all her bags packed and proceeded to leave. My husband convinced her to come back and the next day she profusely apologized to me for her outburst. That day was awkward. The next day, my husband worked late and came home around 11 or so. My son had gotten up to potty by coincidence, which was fine by me as he likes to see his dad. They played for awhile and then his mother brought him some food, leaving my son just hanging around. I put him to bed, came out and asked to talk to him on the balcony alone. He refused and said I should say in openly. I asked him if it would be okay if he let our son know how much longer he had to play before he had to go to bed, so that our son's mind was still focused on an eventual bedtime. He interpreted (who knows what) to his mom and she proceeded to go off on me. The next day she had again packed. She came to me pointed in my face, yelled something in Japanese, threw our Christmas gifts on the floor and left with my husband. He has found a new place to live and asked for a divorce. He said he thinks I am making him choose between him and his mother. he also asked me to allow our son to move to Japan for 2 years under the care of his mother, to which I said NO. I have tried to be civil and have allowed him to make my son's lunches in the morning and see him on Sunday, but he is constantly rude and disrespectful, which i've asked him not to do on numerous occasions. His visits are just becoming stressful now and I'm considering no contact. He has informed me that he has consulted an attorney, but doesn't have any intention of taking our son. i know I should speak to an attorney, but at the moment with show much chaos, I don't exactly have the time or money to do so. I guess this is more than a vent than anything, but I'm also considering moving to my parents in Maui so that he can be around family and so that I can (finally) have the support that I need to reestablish my life, but i don't want to be unfair to him or him to eventually use the decision to turn our son against me when he's older. But I also don't want his father to be really disrespectful to me around him. Not sure what to do


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He took vows with you not his Mom so he should be choosing you over her. He sounds like a Mamas boy. Don't allow him to take your son out of the country. Odds are you won't see him again. You will eventually have to get an attorney.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Iridescent said:


> *<snip>
> 
> He said he thinks I am making him choose between him and his mother. he also asked me to allow our son to move to Japan for 2 years under the care of his mother, to which I said NO.* I have tried to be civil and have allowed him to make my son's lunches in the morning and see him on Sunday, but he is constantly rude and disrespectful, which i've asked him not to do on numerous occasions. His visits are just becoming stressful now and I'm considering no contact. He has informed me that he has consulted an attorney, but doesn't have any intention of taking our son. *i know I should speak to an attorney, but at the moment with show much chaos, I don't exactly have the time or money to do so. I guess this is more than a vent than anything, but I'm also considering moving to my parents in Maui so that he can be around family and so that I can (finally) have the support that I need to reestablish my life, but i don't want to be unfair to him or him to eventually use the decision to turn our son against me when he's older. *But I also don't want his father to be really disrespectful to me around him. Not sure what to do


I'm not sure what transpired because you don't know what what she was saying in Japanese. 

Son going to Japan with MIL .... NO WAY !

You should find the time and money for the attorney. Your H sounds immature to me. There shouldn't be any talk about choosing between you and his mother. You're his wife !

Good idea to speak with your family for support.

Lastly, forget about feeling unfair to your husband. He chose his mother over you. 

I think there a big piece of the puzzle missing here.


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## Iridescent (Jan 12, 2016)

I didn't really know his mother because she doesn't live here. I think i underestimated the extent of their relationship. He did use to give me what i use to call "mom tips" whenever we disagreed on things about our son, which is actually the #1 cause of our arguments. I know that he told me that his mom believed that me asking him to tell our son a idea of when he should sleep, was an unreasonable request. and I believe based on his reaction that he or she believed that he should have attended to our son before eating, which wasn't my point at all. When he again said they both thought I was unreasonable, I did say something to the effect of finding it ironic they believed I was unreasonable, considering she was screaming at the top of her lungs and slamming doors (where my son was sleeping), which seemed to be the cherry on the sundae statement. But, I said it in a more joking way, since that's my go to reaction in stressful situations. I was never disrespectful to her though. Even though she was going off like Mt. Kilauea.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Iridescent said:


> I didn't really know his mother because she doesn't live here. I think i underestimated the extent of their relationship. He did use to give me what i use to call "mom tips" whenever we disagreed on things about our son, which is actually the #1 cause of our arguments. *I know that he told me that his mom believed that me asking him to tell our son a idea of when he should sleep, was an unreasonable request. and I believe based on his reaction that he or she believed that he should have attended to our son before eating, which wasn't my point at all. When he again said they both thought I was unreasonable, I did say something to the effect of finding it ironic they believed I was unreasonable, considering she was screaming at the top of her lungs and slamming doors (where my son was sleeping), which seemed to be the cherry on the sundae statement.* But, I said it in a more joking way, since that's my go to reaction in stressful situations. I was never disrespectful to her though. Even though she was going off like Mt. Kilauea.


Reading through this I don't think you were being unreasonable by asking your husband to set a bed time for your son.

To be honest "I think you did a good job of standing your ground". If I'm interpreting this correctly, setting a bed time for your son is normal.

The fact he's moved out with his mother and wants a D over this is ,,, heck I don't know what? Immature seems such an inadequate description in this case.

Maybe it's cultural. I'm familiar with Japanese pottery but not Japanese family dynamics.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to find the time and money for an attorney.

Your husband has abandoned you.

He has also stated that he wants your son to go live with his mother in Japan. I don't care if he told you he's not going to follow thorough on that. I might have said it to just put you off until his mom does leave with your son. And unless there is a court order against it, as long as your husband agrees, it just fine by law.

What I did was tell my lawyer that I feared that my stbx would run off to his home country with our son. My lawyer got a court order that my son's passport had to be kept locked up in my lawyer's safe. The order also stated that neither of us could take our son out of the country.

You also need to establish temporary custody and time sharing. the way it is right now, your husband can show up and take your son to his place. Then you would have to go to court to get the right to even see your son.

YOu seem to not understand how vulnerable you and your son are right now without the proper documents filed.


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## Iridescent (Jan 12, 2016)

His mom is back in Japan. He is living with an older Japanese guy around the corner from our house. I found out because I saw the name on the check he wrote for rent and went and found him working on his car. At the moment, our son doesn't have a passport. I have all his documents. He's not savvy enough with our system to even really know how to go about getting one. I am the person who pretty much takes care of everything. He's been in the U.S. for almost 5 years, but he barely got his green card 5 months ago, so running off to Japan is not in his mind right now. He also just got a new job with a Japanese company and it would be career suicide for him to walk off. I just thought it was pretty ridiculous that after they left together in their oh, so Oedipus complex way, that they decided that his emotional unstable mom was an appropriate person to consider as a caregiver. I mean if the world came to an end and it was her or a pack of rabid rats, I'd choose the rats. I've considered filing for emergency custody myself, but I know it will cause of multitude of reactions. One is that he will be advised to move back. It's something I don't want him to do, because his disrespectful attitude is really stressful. He's already consulted with an attorney and was advised based on the formula that he had to pay a good chunk of money that he doesn't want to pay. He's asked if we can "work things out smoothly" amongst each other. I was working part-time, but have now been actively perusing full time work. I had a good phone interview today that was escalated to a second interview. My plan is to get the heck out of the house we share a lease on. I have a great relationship with the landlord and I know she will let me break the lease. Once I find a place, he will no longer have the ability to come and go as he pleases. Then I planned on filing for the divorce myself. The ultimate goal is creating stability for my son and I asap so he can readjust. Things have been hectic for him and all the mama in law drama made him really sensitive to negativity.


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