# stats on recnciliation sticking?



## honeysuckle04

Everyone that I have talked to and listen to has told me that at some point stbxh will/may try to come back.

Why do they keep telling me that?
Does it do any good to be told that?

Of course they're all women. My dad says, "I thought that was already cut and dried but if he does you will not take him back. Period." Wish it were as black and white for me as it seems to be for him.

Is the chance for reconciliation high, medium, low?
Often? Never work out to make it to the death do you part part?


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## WorkingOnMe

It depends. Why did he leave?


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## honeysuckle04

What does it depend on?
He left to go have sex with the woman he met in an online game who lives 18 hrs away. He left because he doesn't love me. 
14 yrs married, two kids.


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## Ynot

I cannot cite any specific stats on reconciliations. However I can tell you that unless the fundamental, underlying reason that was the cause for the separation to begin with is resolved, it is an absolute impossibility to expect the relationship to succeed. As the same issue will continue to pop up time and time again. On top of that you new issues have been introduced into the relationship. You may not even realize these exist due to your current state of shock or denial. If he were to come back, you will always have trust issues. You will feel resentment. You will never feel secure again. These feelings will not just be directed towards him, but towards yourself as well. 
It is up to you to have the courage and determination, not to abuse your self by allowing yourself to be plan B. You need to look after your own needs at this point and take care of you. Make yourself plan A. Make your self stronger.
If at some point in the future he may decide to come back to you, you will need to look at that option from a position of strength rather than weakness. You need to decide what will be in your own best interests. More often than not you will determine that it just isn't worth your self esteem and self worth to allow this man back into your life. 
So long story short, the odds are slim he will come back, even slimmer he will come back in way allowing you to accept him back. So work on yourself. Let it go and move forward.


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## ReidWright

honeysuckle04 said:


> Everyone that I have talked to and listen to has told me that at some point stbxh will/may try to come back.
> 
> Why do they keep telling me that?
> Does it do any good to be told that?
> 
> Of course they're all women. My dad says, "I thought that was already cut and dried but if he does you will not take him back. Period." Wish it were as black and white for me as it seems to be for him.
> 
> Is the chance for reconciliation high, medium, low?
> Often? Never work out to make it to the death do you part part?


why do they tell you that? because it's a pattern...the cheater leaves because they think the grass is greener somewhere else, then quickly realize how good they had it at home.

The cheater is wrapped up in a fantasy, thinking the other person has no flaws. Of course, reality hits them hard, and they want to return home.

the betrayed spouse is just a fall back plan.


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## WandaJ

honeysuckle04 said:


> What does it depend on?
> He left to go have sex with the woman he met in an online game who lives 18 hrs away. He left because he doesn't love me.
> 14 yrs married, two kids.


if that's the case, why do you even ask about reconcilation?


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## Married but Happy

> About 75 to 80 percent of people who separate ultimately divorce, and just 5 percent reconcile, according to the National Longitudinal Study of Youth, a nationally representative sample of people who have provided information about their lives since 1979.
> 
> Another 10 to 15 percent of people neither reconcile nor divorce, but stay separated because they can't afford a divorce, said Deborah Carr, a professor of sociology at Rutgers University in New Jersey.





> Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%





> The key to a marriage surviving an affair lies in its good marital history. If 20 percent of a couple’s history is simultaneously viewed as positive by both spouses, they have a better than 90 percent chance of making it


I don't know if any of the above helps as the results are so varied, but first, he has to want to come back, and you both have to want to work on it. You will need professional help, as well, to make it work.


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## honeysuckle04

WandaJ said:


> if that's the case, why do you even ask about reconciliation?


I ask because I want to know why I'm told this. Why isn't "Oh he cheated on you? Yeah he isn't coming back. He is a loser. Get what you can and get out," the ONLY thing I'm told. 
I don't WANT to care if it works out for him. I don't WANT to be any ones plan B.
I am tired of hearing it like its a possibility that I need to be prepared for.


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## honeysuckle04

Married but Happy said:


> I don't know if any of the above helps as the results are so varied, but first, he has to want to come back, and you both have to want to work on it. You will need professional help, as well, to make it work.


Thank you! That helps. 
I am seeing a councilor, have been since I exposed his affair.


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## Orange_Pekoe

honeysuckle04 said:


> I ask because I want to know why I'm told this. Why isn't "Oh he cheated on you? Yeah he isn't coming back. He is a loser. Get what you can and get out," the ONLY thing I'm told.
> I don't WANT to care if it works out for him. I don't WANT to be any ones plan B.
> I am tired of hearing it like its a possibility that I need to be prepared for.


It is a possibility, and you do need to be prepared for it. Because as previously stated - cheaters usually "regret" leaving their spouse and try to wiggle their way back.

Since you were married to him for 14 years and have 2 children together, there is a possibility you will feel weak and agree to take him back. In which case, you will have to deal with trust/resentment issues.

The other possibility is that you will be very strong, and firmly tell him, "No". And move on with your life.

You're at a very sensitive point in your life so it's totally understandable that you'd be annoyed by people pointing out that he might come back.


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## cdbaker

I'm guessing you are only being told these things because it's so common. Someone cheats with an affair partner with whom there is VERY little chance of a successful new relationship forming, then when it likely fails, they realize what they were missing and want to come back. Often people will cheat when there is a major underlying problem that hasn't been addressed for some time and a new attractive opportunity (in someone else) comes along. If they didn't just end the marriage or at least force some major efforts to fix it, then it seems reasonable that they were very uncomfortable with being alone, more so than in staying in an unhappy marriage. So when the affair relationship ends, it makes sense that they would rather come back, even to an unhappy marriage.


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## Dude007

Ynot said:


> I cannot cite any specific stats on reconciliations. However I can tell you that unless the fundamental, underlying reason that was the cause for the separation to begin with is resolved, it is an absolute impossibility to expect the relationship to succeed. As the same issue will continue to pop up time and time again. On top of that you new issues have been introduced into the relationship. You may not even realize these exist due to your current state of shock or denial. If he were to come back, you will always have trust issues. You will feel resentment. You will never feel secure again. These feelings will not just be directed towards him, but towards yourself as well.
> It is up to you to have the courage and determination, not to abuse your self by allowing yourself to be plan B. You need to look after your own needs at this point and take care of you. Make yourself plan A. Make your self stronger.
> If at some point in the future he may decide to come back to you, you will need to look at that option from a position of strength rather than weakness. You need to decide what will be in your own best interests. More often than not you will determine that it just isn't worth your self esteem and self worth to allow this man back into your life.
> So long story short, the odds are slim he will come back, even slimmer he will come back in way allowing you to accept him back. So work on yourself. Let it go and move forward.


WOW, I'm utterly SPEECHLESS after reading some of your posts, in particular, this one. YNOT, you have done some MAJOR self reflection...I mean MAJOR!!! Congrats on your well balanced nature!!! DUDE


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## Bibi1031

Honeysuckle, 

You are contemplating what is called "false hope". I doubt your wondering spouse will come back. 

Think about the relationships in your circle of friends and relatives who separated due to infidelity. How many reconciled or the cheater came back. I am willing to bet very few if not any at all. 

Early on in my XHs midlife crisis I entertained that false hope too. Then I told to look around me and see if anyone that went through infidelity and separation got back together and lived happy. 

Sadly, there was no one around me that had this "false hope" turn into reality.

I had two older aunts that lived miserable bitter lives because their husbands were serial cheaters though. I could very well see my XH doing that to me. He begged we stay together but he didn't get rid of his OW. 

Now 12 years later, he is a serial cheater. Has exclusive GFs and cheats on them with the next exclusive GF...

I am soooooooo glad I filed for divorce a month after I discovered his affair. He made me a huge favor by spiraling me out during his downward spiral.

((((Hugs)))))...eye openers are painful.


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