# Been gone awhile, update of sorts, and a question.



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Very short cliff notes:

Great marriage

Wife gets on facebook 2009, finds ex bf, I did not know

2011 "I dont love you" I am absolutely stunned, come to find out she went to see ex bf behind my back

2012 - December, after two years of counseling and my believing that we were finally getting back to normal, she goes and crushes me again, sneaks to see him in Toronto (we are from the midwest in Nebraska).

2013 - March - she moves out into her own apartment, files for divorce

2013 - July - birth control on my health care insurance, again (she got some in December also) and stated "It is to control my cycle and migraines" and "I can't be seeing anyone right now, it is just best for me to be alone, don't worry about that".

2013 - August - she has a boyfriend, has had him for some time, and had him in her apartment while my children were there, then refuses to talk to me about it.

I'm not posting this for any reason other than to discuss my rights regarding my wife suddenly having this boyfriend around my children, a guy that she barely knows (if you believe what she says).

I asked her "Please do not bring this person around our children, with you and him alone, because that is very confusing for them" and her reply:

"You will not tell me what to do, he has a 5 year old boy and I want him to get to know our kids and be friends"

I'm very angry, extremely hurt, because of a variety of reasons. She wasn't able to keep things together enough to be a respectable mom to one family, now she is wanting to drag another man and his kid into the mix, and confuse my children even worse. 

We are STILL MARRIED, we are not divorced, so of course this hurts me like hell, but her response? "I haven't cared about your feelings in a long time" very spiteful. But again, I digress, this is about the kids. 

Am I wrong to feel this way? Every parenting book, website, and video I have read states the same thing, you do NOT introduce your children to a prospective partner in the dating stage, and you absolutely do not get them together with the other person's children. Reason being: they are already traumatized by the divorce, and you will confuse them to start with by bringing another man into the mix, then that man's child, and what if that doesn't work out, suddenly they lose another potential source of affection, and experience even more detachment disorders. 

I can't explain this to my wife at all, she just claims I'm trying to control her, I stated that all I'm doing is asking her to PLEASE read up on the issue and don't involve our children with a strange man. Absolutely no concession on this, just the same claim from her that I'm "trying to control her" or "you are using the children to control me" *sigh* I'm at a loss, every time I think she's hurt me as much as she can, be it using her maiden name at her college graduation after inviting me and not telling me, attempting to sell her wedding ring the day she tells me that she wants a divorce, not helping one bit to get our 'dream house' ready to sell (because I can't afford it anymore), she finds new ways to hurt me. 

Am I out of line not wanting some other man involved with my children a mere 2 months into the full separation???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your children?

You are right to want to protect your children from her exposing them to guys she dates.

To find out your rights, see an attorney. 

With this going on you probably need to file for a divorce so that you can have a parenting plan in place and hopefully get a court order stating that neither of you will have people you are dating around the children.

Find out his name and look up things on him. See if he has a police record.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

The parenting plan is in place, she says she signed it, she's had it ready for being signed since my lawyer sent it to her 2 months ago. 

As divorces go I'm getting through this very well, she wants nothing from me, she stated all the time last year, even as we were trying to fix things "You make all the money, I feel like I'm just in a prison here, I don't contribute and it belittles me as a person" WTF???? I would tell her all the time how much she meant to me, and that her taking care of the kids meant everything, that I couldn't do it alone. 

It fell in with every positive trait I had being twisted around into something negative...

I make all the money to support my family? You see what she says about that...

I would call in the evening because I missed her and wanted to hear her voice and tell her I loved her? "He's checking in on me because he thinks I'm screwing some other guy" 

I could never win. 

So, yah, divorce is filed, right now it is being kicked back and forth for very minor issues. The parenting plan gives me the kids for 9 months out of the year, but I fully suspect she'll leave the state or not fulfill her obligations as a mother, she left them with me and my parents for 3 months after she moved out to begin with, and never even attempted to contact them, except when I pushed her to. 

She's just a very mentally messed up person, and I got sucked right into it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Po12345 said:


> As divorces go I'm getting through this very well, she wants nothing from me, she stated all the time last year, even as we were trying to fix things "You make all the money, I feel like I'm just in a prison here, I don't contribute and it belittles me as a person" WTF???? I would tell her all the time how much she meant to me, and that her taking care of the kids meant everything, that I couldn't do it alone.


Did you control the finances? Did she have access to your income?



Po12345 said:


> I would call in the evening because I missed her and wanted to hear her voice and tell her I loved her? "He's checking in on me because he thinks I'm screwing some other guy"


Sounds like a guilty conscious to me.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

She had a card with access to my bank account, anytime she needed anything she could use it, if it was a big money purchase (200 dollars or more for instance) I would like her to ask me, but that's normal, you have to do that. She also had her own disability from the Marines for 400 a month, I never asked for any of that. 

She would complain still about no input into our finances or bill paying, we were still paying with checks, everything on paper, so I said "You know what, I'll help with that, I'll put everything on a google account in an email box so that you can help pay for stuff, even if it is my accounts you are paying out of, that should help you feel like you have more control".

Got it all set up, she had the password and the email address, guess how often she used it?

NEVER, not one time did she ever log in, just another smokescreen excuse.

Bottom line, I realize it now. She was broke, unhappy, and dealing with depression and anxiety when we got together. For a time, she was content, but after awhile, because she didn't attempt to get help for her issues, she was once again unhappy and depressed, suddenly that was my fault, so I bought her a car, paid for full time child care so she could go to school, paid for a trip for her to go to asia (during which she went to see the other man again in Toronto on a layover), and guess where she ended up?

Broke, unhappy, and depressed, only this time it was all my fault. 

So, needless to say, she has no more access to any of my accounts. 

And yah, she has a guilty conscience, and I have to just stay away from her from now on before her giant anchor drags me under for good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Po12345 said:


> Broke, unhappy, and depressed, only this time it was all my fault.
> 
> So, needless to say, she has no more access to any of my accounts.
> 
> And yah, she has a guilty conscience, and I have to just stay away from her from now on before her giant anchor drags me under for good.


Well, sound like she's a mess. You are right about the giant anchor you need to avoid.

Talk to your lawyer about her having guys over with the kids. You might be able to stop it. This depends on your jurisdiction I think.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I emailed my lawyer before I started this thread. FOr a long time I've been gone because I thought my wife might have been reading this. Now I don't care. She has said some of the most horribly hurtful things to me as of late.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some people just get that way. It makes no sense. There is no need for it.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I have come to the realization that once a person goes down the slippery slope of dishonesty, hiding things, lying, and doing hurtful things that betray another person, they can go one of two ways with it:

Come clean, even if the relationship is over, and try to say they are sorry. They may not make amends but they at least try and take some responsibility for what they do, or all responsibility.

Or, they go the horrible route:

Voraciously blame the other person, come up with any way to twist around what they did so it's the other person's fault. "I went and visited a FRIEND, yah I used to date him, yah I didn't tell you, but I didn't tell you because you would have been pissed off".

And the question here falls under the reasonable person standard: What reasonable person would NOT be upset that their significant other went to see an ex and tried to hide or lie about it?

And it just gets worse and worse if the faithful spouse says "sorry" and tries to fix it, because it isn't their problem to fix. So the lies continue, respect for the faithful spouse falls, the cheater believes the lies, and the poor faithful spouse starts to believe the lies too, or he/she wants so badly to fix things that they'll pacify the lying cheating spouse. 

Near the end it gets very very bad, and that's what I'm seeing. Even after she moved out I tried to be nice, for the sake of my kids, and because of that tiny chance I felt we would have to be together. But no, she got worse, she said absolutely insanely mean things, heart ripping back stabbing comments and behavior. 

I seriously think it gets to a point where somewhere in their brain they are saying "WHY DOES THIS ***HOLE STAY AROUND, LOOK AT WHAT A PIECE OF **** HE IS, HOW HORRIBLE HE IS" and because the respect is completely gone, oh they will lash out and say those horrible things. They honestly don't care. The only way to ever get any sort of control is NOT a 180, too late for that, you walk away forever, go totally dark, do not have anything to do with the person, move on with your life. 

I'm trying, doing better at it, I have watched lies become bigger lies and even bigger lies.

"I would never leave you" became "I can't be with you if you get mad about me visiting my friend" became "I want a divorce" after she visited him again, and became "I won't ever be with anyone again", becomes "I had someone over, yah, but hes just a friend" to "you can't tell me what to do, I can date whoever I want, it's over" even before the divorce is over. 

All in all it sucks bad, its one of the worst places to be.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

For some reason, mornings are the absolute worst for me. I find myself waking up sometimes with my heart racing 100 miles an hour. I know a lot of it is my anxiety about moving, that I've never lived alone (came from a family of 8), but I also know that some of it stems from feeling so utterly betrayed, repeatedly, by the one person I trusted the most.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Po12345 said:


> For some reason, mornings are the absolute worst for me. I find myself waking up sometimes with my heart racing 100 miles an hour. I know a lot of it is my anxiety about moving, that I've never lived alone (came from a family of 8), but I also know that some of it stems from feeling so utterly betrayed, repeatedly, by the one person I trusted the most.


Mornings are by far the worst for me too.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Even though I've seen stories like yours a hundred times here on TAM, they never fail to shock me. I'm so sorry that you and your kids have had to go through all this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po,

Welcome back.

Are you in therapy?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Po12345 said:


> For some reason, mornings are the absolute worst for me. I find myself waking up sometimes with my heart racing 100 miles an hour. I know a lot of it is my anxiety about moving, that I've never lived alone (came from a family of 8), but I also know that some of it stems from feeling so utterly betrayed, repeatedly, by the one person I trusted the most.


I don't sleep well these days either. And I've always been a "log" sleeper - 8 hrs straight. I wake up in the middle of the night anxiety ridden. Or I have these horrible distressing dreams. Or I just wake up 3 hrs before I'm supposed to get up and cry over the hurt and humiliation my ex has caused me.

Yep - utterly betrayed by the person you trusted the most and kept your commitments to. Its truly traumatic. I do believe we will feel better in time, but for me its going to take a while.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I've kept from posting much because I thought the STBX might be reading this, but I no longer care, she can read this all she wants, it isn't like I'm lying, I leave that to her.

I'm slowly getting things in place in my new home. I had to rent because apparently going through a divorce, there is no real way to purchase a home. I suppose it's better right now anyway until everything is set in stone as far as the divorce settlement.

My lawyer is currently working on the decree, because apparently like everything else, the STBX can't seem to get anything done. I don't know what her lawyer is doing, if you believe what STBX says, she's already spent 5000 dollars, with next to nothing to show for it. I don't really know what to believe anymore. 

I got the kids out with me as quickly as I could, more than a week before it was planned that I would take them. It became increasingly apparent to me that the STBX had decided that she was going to integrate herself as quickly as possible into this other man (and his kid's) life, and drag my children into the mess with her.

*This part here goes for everyone out there: When your own marriage is all F***ED up, and you have kids, don't jump right back into the dating scene, especially with someone who has kids of their own, and believe that you've got an "instant family" going again. Regardless about your personal feelings about your STBX, it is NOT fair to that person, and it is most CERTAINLY not fair to your children, who are already going to be confused about the entire situation. If you try this sort of nonsense you are nothing better than a worthless piece of S***!*

She took my kids to a movie with this guy and his kid, then the next day I get this:



> Kids are refusing to eat lunch, they say they want to eat with you. I made them hot dogs but (SONS NAME) threw a tantrum. He's in his room now.


I asked "Did something happen?"



> Nothing at all. He's arguing over everything. Says he wants something, then suddenly doesn't want it and melts down and starts screaming. I don't know what else to do so I put him in his room to cool off and he falls asleep. Was he doing this with you?


I responded "No" because he hasn't. 

Unlike my STBX, I have spent a considerable amount of time reading about what to expect from my kids as we go through this process. (Sesame Street.com is a great one, surprisingly enough). One thing you are NOT supposed to do, in fact they say one of the most important things, is what I bolded above. While the different books and websites I have been reading are mixed on a lot of the issues when going through a divorce, one thing they are all in agreement on is keeping your kids OUT of any new relationship you get into for a considerable amount of time, and you very slowly introduce them, and you do NOT under any circumstances mix other children from the new relationship into the mix. Of course my wife ignored this, because she is all about what SHE wants, and doesn't seem to care what this will do to our kids.

And how interesting is it that one of the big things they say that will happen is you will find your children acting out, being very emotional, angry, throwing fits, tantrums, etc, when you try and integrate them into a new relationship. 

SURPRISE!!! And she wonders why (BOY) is upset? Much like the "horse to water" analogy, I can't tell STBX any of this, because she goes off "You are trying to use the kids to control me". Uh, no, grow up, you don't have that influence over me anymore, quit thinking so highly of yourself, you are a cheater, a liar, and a fool, I am concerned about my children.

I've given up on co-parenting, it's impossible when you are trying to work with a liar. I will try my very best to do everything on my own. STBX is supposed to have the kids every other weekend, but she's also supposed to be in contact with the kids as often as possible. When she had the kids this summer I tried as much as I could to contact them every single day.

Since I've had the kids with me, roughly 3 weeks now... STBX has contacted them twice. Once was our little girl's birthday, and she waited till 8 that night to contact her. If my kids try to contact her over the weekend, no answer. 

She did have them for one weekend, had a birthday party with this new man of hers, and once again complained that our kids were acting up. I'd love to tell her what the deal is, that they are confused, they don't understand why mommy is with some other guy, they don't understand why there is another kid in their lives, etc, etc, but my STBX was difficult to communicate with the last 2 years when she fooled me into believing we were "working on things" (all while lying and doing **** behind my back), now that she's "moved on" she's impossible to talk to. 

So, after the July birth control prescription on my health care, STBX stated "I just got my own health care through my employer" even though she has no money at all, and I'm required to provide her with health care. Because I'm military, and I have tricare, I get prescription reports in the mail. Well, apparently she again used my health care to get herself a prescription for birth control on August 21st, just another slap in the face, using my benefits so she can have sex with this guy and not get pregnant. 

Just for anyone who doesn't know: She convinced me to get snipped, something I was considering, but with the idea that we were remaining together. Oh well, as far as the birth control, it's not like I should be surprised, but it does. I have to realize that this is NOT the person I married, that this person is really f'ed up, and expect the worst and prepare as such. 

Apparently the newest thing she's telling people is that I am a "narcissist". I had a general idea of what that meant, but I actually had to go look it up to be completely sure. Reading it made me laugh, for a variety of reasons. A narcissist wouldn't care if someone wanted out of a marriage, the narcissist would believe he's "too good" for that person anyway. A narcissist wouldn't continually try to attempt to communicate, and apologize for the things he's done wrong. 

To be fair, I did a 40 question online personality test on narcissism, just because I wanted to see for myself. I realize some of these tests are a little iffy, but this one seemed relatively in depth. I answered the questions honestly, even took time to step out and think about how someone else might view me, just to be fair.

The parameters:

If you score 30-40, you show very strong narcissistic traits.
20-30, certain narcissitic characteristics. (celebrities generally are in the 27-32 area they say).
15-20, this is the average score, typical person.

I scored a 7. Of the 8 parameters, only one was I above average on, the rest I was well below. 

My reasoning for taking the onlne test was specifically my own, the old me would have likely called and confronted her, I'm starting to care less and less about her BS behavior. Why? Even with all this being said, there is one all important thing I need to remember about this: _Nothing she says matters, she is an irrational person desperately trying to find justification to defend herself in her own mind for her own crappy behavior. That being said, none of this really matters._

If I repeat that over and over it really does help me out. That and I have to STAY AWAY from her facebook/pinterest or anything else she has online. I keep trying to remember this person as my wife and that's a mistake, my wife is dead and replaced with an irrational mean spirited jerk.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> I've kept from posting much because I thought the STBX might be reading this, but I no longer care, she can read this all she wants, it isn't like I'm lying, I leave that to her.
> 
> I'm slowly getting things in place in my new home. I had to rent because apparently going through a divorce, there is no real way to purchase a home. I suppose it's better right now anyway until everything is set in stone as far as the divorce settlement.
> 
> ...


Po,

Sounds like your head is about to explode.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Now, a second post. This one is focused on my children, and being a single parent.

Regardless of the amount of preparation I've gone through, the reading, setting things up, getting ready, this has still been difficult. It is very rewarding, but still very difficult. 

I suppose one of the more irritating things is that most people out there don't really understand or expect someone to be a single dad WITH custody of my kids. I've ran into several people who make a comment like "oh you have them for the weekend then?" and I state "No, I have custody of my children". I imagine I'm a little terse with my replies but I find that to be insulting. I realize it is unusual in Nebraska for the man to be given custody, given our surprisingly liberal laws regarding child custody, but I'm PROUD to take care of my kids.

There are a lot of little things you don't think of... like my 6 year old daughter's hair for instance. I'm great with laundry, I'm a wonderful cook, I can clean, and figured most everything was going to be reasonably decent as far as the transition to single dad, but I can't do a girl's hair  I'm trying, I bought the detangler, I'm using the conditioner, but it still looks like she was roughed up by a tornado before I drop her off at school.

My plan is to get her hair cut short for starters, to help me get used to it, then to learn to braid and do a variety of hair dresser type stuff. I'm going to go to a local salon and see if there is someone that wouldn't mind making a little extra cash to come to my house and help me work on her hair till I learn how to do it correctly.

I'm still working on finding a decent church, I want one with a mid week (wednesday type) youth group for children. I don't want to force religion on my kids but as a one parent family I also realize my children need a strong moral base to help them get through situations that would normally be a lot easier to handle if both parents were around. 

My daughter started kindergarten this year, so it has been wild in the mornings getting everything set up. Thankfully the bus picks up kids at the daycare I drop my son off at, so I'm able to go to the daycare and sit in the parking lot with my daughter and son, bus arrives, picks my daughter up, then I put my son in the daycare, then later in the day, I show up, pick up my son, and we wait for 5 minutes in the car for my daughter to arrive on the bus. It took a few days to get that working smoothly, and we are still working on the morning routine, but it's getting there. 

As far as my childrens' reactions to this situation, it has been decent so far. They don't fully understand what is going on, they are very confused about what mommy is doing, but my daughter is no longer as emotional about wanting mommy and daddy to stay together. I have long talks with her, usually in the evening I'll sit on the bed and discuss it with her. I tell her that I love mommy, but that mommy doesn't know what she wants in life so she has to go look for it, and that's okay, that mommy loves her and Tony. I believe it is very important to maintain civility through this, even if there are things I would much rather say, it would only make things much worse for the little ones.

Another thing I am working on is a scrapbook/journal of sorts, for my kids. I read on one of the websites, a long article from 4 children who were raised in separate homes by divorced parents, who stated one of the biggest things they never got was any history at all of their parents marriage, all they ever got to hear was "bickering" and "it was never any good". 

I want my children to know that we had a wonderful marriage at one time, that mommy and daddy loved one another and had a great relationship for 5 years of the marriage. As such I'm typing out this journal, then I'm going to hand write it out into hard copy journal that I can put photos and mementos in. 

I will have a second journal for the last 3 years of the marriage, but I won't allow them access to that until they are ready, and I'm going to try very hard to be factual, as much as I can. I don't know that they will ever get to see that one, the second journal is probably more fo rme than anything, just to get everything out on paper, because I'm finding it helps me to put everything in one spot, take the jumbled mess out of my head, and put it together like a jigsaw puzzle on paper. Then I can read it and re-read it later and see my progress. 

I will NOT get involved in any relationship for a long time, that is a sure thing. For one, I'm not ready for it anyway, I still love my wife deeply, even though the person I love doesn't really exist in that way any longer, and secondly, it's not fair to my kids, who already have their mom out and about with a different guy than the one she went to see twice when we were still living together. They need at least one parent to be focused 100% on them, and as such provide stability. I work very hard not to be in earshot of them if I am discussing the divorce or anything that might cast negative light on my STBX. The kids need to believe that both mommy and daddy are wonderful people, it does them no good to know what mommy is really like. Besides, someday they will find that out on their own, I'm sure of that. 

If I ever do get to a point where I feel comfortable enough to get involved with someone, that someone will never be on equal ground with my kids, my kids will ALWAYS come first. I'm also not looking to be some single mom's "savior" and come rescue her, or be a dad to her kids. I have my own children, you take care of your children. My kids don't need another mom and I don't want the job of daddy except for my own. 

I have actually browsed some of the local dating sites, and sorry to say, in a word, pathetic. 

I am biased, I know, but this whole "I was emotionally abused by my spouse" bit comes off more as a justification for crappy behavior than a reality, to me. Another annoying comment that I saw again and again "I'm looking for someone to make me happy". Really? No one is going to make you happy and for those of you that are divorced, that's probably one of the biggest reasons you are divorced. "I want someone to travel the world with" <-- no way, no way in h3ll... there are plenty of awesome things in your own back yard. Don't get me wrong, I love to take long road trips in the car, I love seeing new places, but this whole "I want someone to make me happy as we travel the world" is a load of sh** to me. 

You want to know what I want? I want someone that will play video games with me, watch nerdy star trek and LOTR and dr who shows, watch football, eat pizza, go on bike rides and jog with me, and be comfortable enough in their own skin to realize that unhappiness in life is going to happen, that the person you are with isn't always going to be perfect, that relationships are hard work, and you have to be honest and communicate with someone. The second someone starts hiding ****, is the moment they are going to get kicked to the curb.

Well, anyways, I've written another book this morning, I better get back to work! 

The life of Po, or where it is at at this point! Take care all!


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Po,
> 
> Sounds like your head is about to explode.


There are times it feels that way buddy  But believe me, I'm doing a LOT better.

I'm completely off the anxiety and anti depressant medications. I'm sleeping at night. I'm more focused at work. Everything is a process. For a long time I blamed myself for everything in my marriage that went wrong. I now fully understand that it didn't have anything to do with who I was, am, or ever will be. She was going to do this to whoever she was with, she abandoned her life, not me. The lack of contact with her own children is the huge red flag on that one. She wanted to be 20 years old and single again, and she was willing to leave a path of destruction in her wake. 

Either I can stay in that path of destruction or I can steer clear and make strides on my own... I chose the latter, and already things are getting so much better.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> There are times it feels that way buddy  But believe me, I'm doing a LOT better.
> 
> I'm completely off the anxiety and anti depressant medications. I'm sleeping at night. I'm more focused at work. Everything is a process. For a long time I blamed myself for everything in my marriage that went wrong. I now fully understand that it didn't have anything to do with who I was, am, or ever will be. She was going to do this to whoever she was with, she abandoned her life, not me. The lack of contact with her own children is the huge red flag on that one. She wanted to be 20 years old and single again, and she was willing to leave a path of destruction in her wake.
> 
> Either I can stay in that path of destruction or I can steer clear and make strides on my own... I chose the latter, and already things are getting so much better.


It takes an especially cold-hearted b!tch to demand you get a vasectomy and then take up with posOM.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Conrad said:


> It takes an especially cold-hearted b!tch to demand you get a vasectomy and then take up with posOM.


Mine refused a vasectomy and got someone else pregnant.

Po when you are ready to date don't insist she be just like you. There is beauty in differences. Its about the compromise. i was willing to watch all his dude shows. Hell, I introduced him to Star Trek! But my wish to travel was never granted. 17 years of doih thinhs his way and he left me anyway with no memories other than watchinh his shows with him while he sat on the other side of the room. I was raised overseas. My dad was military. It was never in my nature to stay put. Sadly he insisted on things being his way. He never got the joy of experiencing what makes me tick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

BFGuru said:


> Mine refused a vasectomy and got someone else pregnant.
> 
> Po when you are ready to date don't insist she be just like you. There is beauty in differences. Its about the compromise. i was willing to watch all his dude shows. Hell, I introduced him to Star Trek! But my wish to travel was never granted. 17 years of doih thinhs his way and he left me anyway with no memories other than watchinh his shows with him while he sat on the other side of the room. I was raised overseas. My dad was military. It was never in my nature to stay put. Sadly he insisted on things being his way. He never got the joy of experiencing what makes me tick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh I know, I don't want to date me. Right now I'm still pretty jaded about things so it feels safe to get involved with someone who falls within a specific set of predetermined parameters as to what she likes to do.

I still hurt. It will be some time before I date anyone anyway, I have a 6 and a 3 (will be 4 on the 10th) year old to take care of. I know at some point I will trust again but right now I trust NO ONE outside of my parents and a couple very close friends. 

At times I'm still shocked by the unexplainable chaos and damage she's left in her wake, I'll never be the same, but I will get better.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> It takes an especially cold-hearted b!tch to demand you get a vasectomy and then take up with posOM.


She actually kept saying that she would get herself done. It was really perplexing at the time, this was before we had our issues, she said to me:



> I'll go ahead and get myself taken care of. I mean, what if we weren't together, and you ended up with someone else?


I remember saying "What is that supposed to mean?"

And she backtracked really fast. But now, looking back on that moment, hindsight is truly 20/20... she was working her escape a long time before she started dropping bombs on our marriage.

The vasectomy likely does limit me in terms of potential partners, but to be honest I'm done with kids, I love my two intensely. I don't need more


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> She actually kept saying that she would get herself done. It was really perplexing at the time, this was before we had our issues, she said to me:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You're not alone.

Sadly, when people are that selfish, they'll say and do almost anything with no trace of a conscience.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It truly sucks, my friend! Get with legal counsel regarding this matter ASAP, and explore your rights as a father! I think that you'll richly find that the set of all family court judges that would allow children to be present during unmarried cohabitation/visitation with a lover is somewhere between Slim and None!

And "Slim" just left!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She's not playing with a full deck.

Although you say you don't want anymore kids, you could get a reverse vasectomy... but when? As a single parent you can't afford to get sick or be laid up.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Wow, she sounds like a lovely human. 

Nothing to add except that I'll be happy for you when you are divorced from this sorry excuse of a woman.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> It truly sucks, my friend! Get with legal counsel regarding this matter ASAP, and explore your rights as a father! I think that you'll richly find that the set of all family court judges that would allow children to be present during unmarried cohabitation/visitation with a lover is somewhere between Slim and None!
> 
> And "Slim" just left!


Not in Nebraska... unfortunately. Nebraska, for being generally a very conservative state, drops the ball when it comes to any sort of limitations on what a spouse can do with the kids in their possession, short of causing them harm, physical that is, because obvious mental harm doesn't seem to mean SHXX. 

And yes, she's messed up as hell. She averages contact with them about once every 10 days in terms of communications, she's so incredibly selfish that she doesn't even think far enough into the future to know that in 10 short years, these kids are going to be high school aged and they are NOT going to be gullible, and she's going to have missed out on all of the wonderful aspects of them growing up. 

I'm still preparing for the worst, I suspect she'll be stupid enough once shacked up with this guy to attempt to have another child, at 35 years old, with 2 kids that are already confused, and with what is apparently going to become a 6 or 7 year old stepson of another guy. 

I only say this because it is the next thing she said she'd never do :rofl: "no more kids for me, the baby oven is closed permanently" 

At this point it really is all about my children, I really feel bad for them and I'm scared. I wouldn't put anything past her either, she's already stunned me with her bad judgement so often that I have to continually prepare for the worst, because quite frankly, she continues to outperform my worst expectations with her ridiculous actions.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Healer said:


> Wow, she sounds like a lovely human.
> 
> Nothing to add except that I'll be happy for you when you are divorced from this sorry excuse of a woman.


I should have broke free from her 2 years ago when all of this first came out, but I wanted so badly to believe, you know? Instead she spent more than 24 months taking me for basically everything I could give and then some. 

The silver lining is this: her egotistical selfish "look at me I'm doing this on my own" attitude made her completely give up any rights whatsoever to any sort of child support and even to having the children most of the time. The funny thing is that she's deep in a financial hole right now, unless somehow this guy has a bunch of money, but I doubt that. No real surprise though, she was 12K in debt when she met me and I didn't know it. Until this divorce is signed and DONE, I am keeping my mouth completely shut about everything that is going on. As far as divorces go, this is as good as it gets in a "no fault" state, because if she wanted to, she could fight to have at least 50/50 custody and they'd probably hand it to her on a silver platter. 

Oh, I'd put both of us in a 500 foot deep financial ruin fighting her, because I love my children that much, but I know what the outcome would be. My lawyer was absolutely thrilled, and shocked, that she signed the child care agreement. I have the kids all school year (9 months roughly) and she is supposed to have them during the summer, I can only hope by the time summer rolls around that she'll give up on that, I am praying for either that, or she moves out of state and gives up those rights by default. Nebraska is very straight forward about that, you leave the state, and barring abuse by the remaining spouse, you lose all rights to your kids except to come back and get visitation.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

He may have plenty of money.

He won't be giving it to her.

He's getting what he wants.

And, she - WAY - overvalues it.


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

What a lovely person, gross! Good luck with the kids! I really hope things get better for you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Po12345 said:


> Oh I know, I don't want to date me. Right now I'm still pretty jaded about things so it feels safe to get involved with someone who falls within a specific set of predetermined parameters as to what she likes to do.
> 
> I still hurt. It will be some time before I date anyone anyway, I have a 6 and a 3 (will be 4 on the 10th) year old to take care of. I know at some point I will trust again but right now I trust NO ONE outside of my parents and a couple very close friends.
> 
> At times I'm still shocked by the unexplainable chaos and damage she's left in her wake, I'll never be the same, but I will get better.


I find myself saying a lot of the same things. I'm not there yet, where I can even say eventually I will trust again. You are doing the right thing to focus on your children. We are broken, and sometimes the glue doesn't put us back together, but we can hope for functionality again.


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

Po, I am sorry to hear about all that is going on. I am in the process of trying to make M work but right now I am the only one in the show.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Po, Just read your thread. I am so sorry for you and your children. Thank God they have you. I do not understand how a mother could be so intentionally cruel to her children. 

Do you think your wife could be doing drugs?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

No drugs, but mentally she's derailed.

The bottom line? Unhappiness, and the inability to "find happiness" when the reality of the situation is as follows:

You will never find happiness running around and looking for it, when the source of your unhappiness is inside you. It's just as simple as that. 

However, for people who refuse to get help for problems like this, they will make everyone around them a scapegoat for the way they feel. 

karole, you have to understand, she doesn't believe she's being cruel to her children, my life builds fantasies in her head to help her feel a fake sense of euphoria, and that works for awhile, THAT is her drug. So she sees this guy as "add myself and kids to him and his kid, INSTANT FAMILY" without bothering to study up on relationships following a long term breakup, and how you shouldn't do that in the first place even if you do NOT have kids, and you most certainly shouldn't involve your kids in that mess. 

Like I said, the fact that she stayed for 10 years with me is likely a miracle. 20/20 hindsight again: We had 3 sets of boxes from 3 different times in her life where she chucked everything and moved on, she never opened those boxes, her parents shipped them to us about a year into the relationship. Guess who has those boxes now?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

At this point in my life I'm trying to find some sort of peace. I could talk about how I was so happy in my marriage, content, in love, talk about the anxiety and depression and anger and despair spread over the last 2.5 years of my life...

But what it all boils down to is this: I've got to somehow fix myself. Everything feels so stressful, it isn't as bad as it was, but for a couple weeks each month leading into our most intensive 2 days of work, I'm so overwhelmed that I can barely function. It is during these times that I find myself nearly in tears at what my personal life has become. How does one find pride after having been totally stomped on, how do you find any sort of peace when left behind by the one you trusted the most?

I do appreciate the support here, but here shortly this will no longer be "Going Through Divorce/Separation" it will be "Life After Divorce", and there has to come a time where I can let go of this horrible person I was married to... I just wish sometimes the pain would go away long enough for me to be happy about the person I am. I tied so much up in my family, and then went far beyond that for 2 years trying to fix things while my wife apparently spent the entire time planning her exit. 

100 times a day something comes up that reminds me of our life together, the most seemingly harmless things can leave me heartbroken again and in tears... such as getting an email the other day from the place we did our family photos at, and I thought to myself "Oh God, how can I even do family photos? No mom?" and the anxiety and desperation sweeps over me again.

I've accepted the fact that I will never ever allow this person back into my life, but God d*** I have to see her once every two weeks as she picks up my children and drags them into whatever you want to call her current "situation". The love I still feel for her seems like my heart is betraying me, every single time


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

There's no rule that says you can't stay in this forum no matter what your status is.

Who do you talk to about this?

Many people find great comfort in phone support.

Are you in IC?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

How does one find pride after having been totally stomped on, how do you find any sort of peace when left behind by the one you trusted the most?

Congratulations! You are still standing, breathing, and you have been given the gift of time and freedom to find your own happiness and purpose.

Some people never wake up. Possibly your x will be one of them.

Be thankful you've seen a different light on life, and are still around and have the means to a better life. I would be very proud that you didn't lose your morals and values and sink to her level. You kept your dignity. 
Peace.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes, the form topic change just loses you contact with your TAM friends/thread readers.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Po
Just wanted to say you are doing a fantastic job with your children. Parenting is hard work when you do it right and it certainly sounds like you are doing everything you can for them. 

Take Care
DG


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I'm seeing a counselor, not sure how good she is but to at least talk about it helps. 

My parents are getting a little worn thin on everything, but they are in their 60's and they've never had to deal with anything quite like this, they hit a rocky patch 20 years ago but neither of them ever had any real intention of leaving the other. 

My mom has no understanding of the situation at all, she is of this "happy joy joy trust in Jesus" repetative crap, and no offense, I am a Christian, but there are some things that make you curse God and your entire belief structure, and being utterly betrayed in such a fashion by one's spouse is one of those situations. My anger with God was so intense, and there are times I still find myself questioning every belief I've ever had. My mother has no clear understanding of what it is like to have the person you dedicated your life to just up and destroy that life. I don't really even talk much to my mother anymore. My dad says she's made comment from time to time about my STBXW, in some ways defending her. That boils my blood, I don't even attempt to talk to my mother most of the time. 

My dad does better with it, because he has done 12 step programs long enough that he's seen most all of this before, but even he is difficult to discuss this with. Really the only people that seem to truly understand are those whose spouses have done what mine did, and tried desperately to repair things but to no avail. Those that have been burned like I have are seemingly the only ones who seem to have a clear understanding that:
A) I will be mourning for a long time, as some say, 1000 days of sorrow.
and
B) Telling me shxx like "suck it up/be happy/trust in the Lord/life is too good to be down/at least she didn't die/at least you don't have cancer" or any combination between, is NOT going to help my situation at all.

Hell the divorce isn't even finalized yet... I just hope my "1000 layers peeling away, 1 per day" started the day I found out she had gone to see that guy again. Every day is a battle, to rebuild my self esteem, and to continue to clearcut my memory of this rotten horrible person. 

Every day I get out of bed and put on my boots is another victory, and another tiny smidgeon of hurt that is numbed away... I will use the pain, live the burn, to forge myself into something much better.

Day by day the emptiness is slowly ebbing, my only way of dealing with anything related to her is erasing any thoughts of her existence from my mind. When I think about everything that has happened as a whole I seethe in rage, like I've said before, it isn't so much being cheated on, lied to, betrayed, but then to have it twisted around on you and having yourself blamed for something you quite literally had ZERO control over...

But, always, the cheater will say and do anything to focus blame on others in order to avoid having to accept responsibility for their own actions, irrational nonsense to cast themselves in a positive light. I stay quiet, I say nothing, I post nothing online, I do not respond. 

The only way I come out on top is through this, remaining completely silent in the face of her online onslaught of accusations, hypocrisy, lies, and nonsense. 

It is SO hard though, because you want to defend yourself, you want your side to be known... but what good does it do?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Let it go

There is no cosmic scoreboard


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Oh, understand, I post more drawn out here than I do talking to anyone IRL, save for my counselor... it just helps to get it off my chest. 

She was supposed to get the kids tonite... didn't expect what happened (figured it would someday, but not this quickly), I got the "I'm so sick, I can't come get them" text message, I didn't answer, about a half hour later, she tries to call, I didn't answer. I do a lot better NOT being drawn into the nonsense. I did answer the text message, but in my own good time, because 1) we are required to by the child care agreement, and 2) the divorce isn't finalized, so I play the silent nice guy very well throughout. 

I have discovered that it is utterly impossible to "co-parent" when your STBX is a dishonest liar. I wonder how others do it? I actually get sick to my stomach when she texts or tries to call.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> Oh, understand, I post more drawn out here than I do talking to anyone IRL, save for my counselor... it just helps to get it off my chest.
> 
> She was supposed to get the kids tonite... didn't expect what happened (figured it would someday, but not this quickly), I got the "I'm so sick, I can't come get them" text message, I didn't answer, about a half hour later, she tries to call, I didn't answer. I do a lot better NOT being drawn into the nonsense. I did answer the text message, but in my own good time, because 1) we are required to by the child care agreement, and 2) the divorce isn't finalized, so I play the silent nice guy very well throughout.
> 
> I have discovered that it is utterly impossible to "co-parent" when your STBX is a dishonest liar. I wonder how others do it? I actually get sick to my stomach when she texts or tries to call.


BLOW... HER...OFF

She is inadequate


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Doing as best I can, I have to still walk on eggshells so to speak, because the divorce is not completed yet. Like I said, remaining completely silent except for very terse short replies to text messages about the kids is the best I can do right now.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Well your not the only one that has had to deal with a witch. Immediately after the divorce the ex had a divorce party with our kids present cake and all. I'm sure that made quite an impression on our 12 year olds and our 17 year old. 
Then 1 month after my ex starting going with a guy she brought my kids over to his house introduced them to him and she decided they would all stay the night there.
A month later the kids go over and their school pictures are on the wall at his house.
Its been one thing after another but since a crime has not been committed theirs not much I can do about I've *****ed to the ex on her lack of sensitivity to the kids, but it doesn't do any good. 
All we can do is guide our children the best we can and if nothing else our misbehaving exes become examples of what not to be like.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Po I just read your story. I am sorry you have to go through this.
The following resonated with me... I always thought I was crazy for letting my ex try to manipulate me.



> And it just gets worse and worse if the faithful spouse says "sorry" and tries to fix it, because it isn't their problem to fix. So the lies continue, respect for the faithful spouse falls, the cheater believes the lies, and the poor faithful spouse starts to believe the lies too, or he/she wants so badly to fix things that they'll pacify the lying cheating spouse.


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