# Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!



## Just Tired Of It All

When you end the affair, you might get a feeling of “withdrawal.” 
How long did the withdrawal from your affair partner last after you ended the affair

What are some of the emotions you experienced, was there a patteren, signs?

What or how did you feel/think. 

I just would like to know what my H is or has went thru. 

Please feel free to give me the details, I guess thats what I am looking for, I know the basics.. But how does one truely feel or think or wonder during this time????

I think that it is helpful to BS to understand, the real emotions to the withdrawl period, and how long does it really take?


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## blueskies30

I think this might be helpful too. My Husband tells me that he had no feeling for affair partner at all. I found out about her a little in early November as she had posted on his FB page that she missed him. The next day when I asked who she was he said just a friend, but then when I blocked her on his FB account he got very angry that I had hurt his friend. Early in December he confessed he had betrayed me with her.

He then moved back in new years weekend. He never wanted to have sex with me, but yet he would get a hard on while sitting on the couch watching tv. At those times he was always queit like he was thinking of someone else
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All

blueskies30 said:


> I think this might be helpful too. My Husband tells me that he had no feeling for affair partner at all. I found out about her a little in early November as she had posted on his FB page that she missed him. The next day when I asked who she was he said just a friend, but then when I blocked her on his FB account he got very angry that I had hurt his friend. Early in December he confessed he had betrayed me with her.
> 
> He then moved back in new years weekend. He never wanted to have sex with me, but yet he would get a hard on while sitting on the couch watching tv. At those times he was always queit like he was thinking of someone else
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





I agree with you, and I think alot of BS feel the same way, we Know the basics we know they witdrawl but we have no idea of how they feel during, before or after.. Or how long, thats why I asked for details.. Almost like a timeline, if thats possible. It would really help BS to understand and maybe cope. Then as WS spouse progress, we would be able to relate, like oh He/her is at so and so point, maybe it will help in way for us to understand more instead of being so confused and wondering what the he** is happinig.. 

And I did ask about the no sex thing, I had quit of few post from the veterans on here about that one.. you may want to take a look at that post to it may help you to understand more.. Ill post a link.. 

It seems you are having alot of the same feelings/questions that I am having... uHGGGG to be a BS, and to have to go thru so much...


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43824-ok-i-am-just-going-ask-censored.html


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## Affaircare

Well part of the issue is that I am me, and your husband is him, and blueskies husband is him. I happen to be an INFP Myers Briggs personality (Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeler, Perceiver) and thus as an introvert I gain energy by being alone and "recharging" versus being with people and sharing. If my spouse were an extrovert, they might take that as "avoiding them" when in real life I'm just tired and need to recharge. Anyway my point is that all disloyal spouses are not alike--we have different personality types and did it for different reasons and with different results and lengths of time...thus it's about 100% likely that our experiences and "timelines" will be different!! 

That being said though, I can share what I suspect will be similarities. The first week of withdrawal is the worst, of course. Envision any drug addict going cold turkey. At first, for like 24-48 hours, the urge for the "drug" doesn't hit or you can somewhat ignore it or put it off...in fact the first couple of days may seem pretty "back to normal" and in a way seem like maybe we're in our right mind  lol But about the 3rd day or so, the urge pretty much increases exponentially. The next couple days are very tough because about every few minutes you think about the OP and pretty much by habit you pick up the phone to call, or get on email to write in order to get that fix (the "someone thinks I'm wonderful" affair zing). This is usually the time when someone might fall off the wagon--sometimes due to just habit and sometimes because the urge is so strong you just cave in. This is also usually the time during which a disloyal spouse will say: "I can't get the OP out of my mind! How am I supposed to just let them go?" or maybe something like "I can't just get feelings back for my spouse! I don't feel love for them like I do for the OP!" (or something along those lines). 

In a way, at this point, it really does become a matter of choice. As a disloyal, I can choose to continue to hold onto the OP and refuse to see that it was about 99.99% "in my mind" and not real at all...or I can make the conscious choice to let the OP go, acknowledge it was mostly fantasy, look at my own self and try to figure out what it was about me that got me to this point, and realize that I may not "feel it" at the moment, but I can ACT loving and the more I do that the more I'll feel it. At some point it really does come down to choosing. 

Usually a week or two into no contact--maybe more if you sort of hung on to the memories for a while--the worst of the urge to contact again passes. Again, envision a drug addict going cold turkey. The physical "need" for the zing feels a little better, but then it's more like over and over and over and over the little stuff that you didn't think about hits you in the face. For example, in my personal instance after I had the day when I "SAW" the hurt in my Dear Hubby's eyes and knew I couldn't do this anymore, my Dear Hubby wrote to the OM and said "I am married to her and I'm not going down without a fight. I intend to honor my vows so you better be ready to face a husband who's gonna fight for his marriage." It was sort of his version of claiming things back. Okay he was in 100% and I was in 100%...but for some reason it didn't dawn on me that I would also have to end contact with the people who knew me and OM as a couple. It wasn't malicious or anything, I wasn't trying to hurt Dear Hubby more...but it didn't occur to me that those folks would ask about or tell me about OM and that's like backdoor, third party contact! So I agreed and acknowledged I'd have to end contact with them too--yet at the same time I felt INCREDIBLY SAD because those folks meant something to me and had liked me and whatnot! All those people, who were just bystanders, also had to be cut off...and it was like they were the civilians caught in the bombing! They were hurt because I was selfish, frankly...and that hurt me a LOT! Now I could totally see where my Dear Hubby would see it as a trigger or an insult if I kept them as friends, so it wasn't like that (he had a right); but I felt like a jerk--AGAIN--because I had unintentionally hurt people I cared about. So that sort of thing occurs over and over and over for several weeks as the fog begins to clear. Just as you get over THIS one...another one occurs...and another thing hits you in the face...and another, like ripples that increase and spread out. This is often a time when it feels SOOOO sorrowful and shameful and embarrassing that it's tempting to say "Well screw it, I've messed this up so bad there's no hope. I give up."

This is why I strongly encourage people that as soon as there is No Contact, take some time off as just a couple. Lots of people think: "Oh I couldn't possibly take time right now...I don't have vacation time" or "It's busy season" etc. but you know what? There's a reason!! During this timeframe, if the disloyal spouse is not really feeling feelings yet, and all the loyal spouse is doing is triggering and making demands, and the disloyal also feels hopeless....then they will give up and the marriage will end. By the same token, if they aren't feeling feelings yet, but some time is taken off to take a long weekend and go skiing and then maybe some tubing and hot chocolate, and the loyal has moments of triggers but also moments of showing "hey this person is fun to be with" and there is HOPE that one day maybe feelings could come back...then the marriage may survive. 

One thing my Dear Hubby did was to say that we were calling a time out on "being married" until I said, and we were going to just be friends like the way you're friends with your college roommate. He would talk to me about what he thought and felt just like he would have with a "buddy" and likewise I did the same. I even told him once that I felt really sad about losing the friends and how they felt like civilians who got caught up in the bombing...and he didn't yell or say I was selfish. Things like that...I remember and counted it as a positive in his favor. I could talk to him honestly about deep stuff and personal stuff, and I was SAFE doing it!! Then, we did things together we both like (we personally went 4WD-ing, camping, and to car shows...put that's just us). I got to look over at this person next to me and think, "Wow!! I remember liking him! I enjoy him. I think if I keep at it I could love him." 

So anyway, I hope that's helpful. I don't know if it's much of a "timeline" but maybe it'll give you a feeling for what it's like.


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## Entropy3000

I had an EA that was caught relatively early. It took me four to six weeks to withdraw.

Be aware that ANY contact starts the counter over.

I took some anti-depressants to help out. I had also changed jobs so that probably contributed to the depression.


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## Just Tired Of It All

Thanks, it helps.. I hope others will post there experiance. It just seems important and it will help out us BS to just understand...

Very intersting.... I am amazed to be honest, that it is like that for WS.. 

Thank you for sharing...


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## Morrigan

This is something I can talk about. I was so confused for what seemed like forever. I was depressed. I felt alone. I had massive guilt. My guilt increased 100x every time Beowulf triggered. And when he triggered at first I didn't know what to do. I felt paralyzed. I also kept thinking about how I was no longer the person who could say I would never do such a thing. If I could do that to the one person who I loved most in this world what else was I capable of doing. Could I willfully hurt others? Could I hurt my child? Could I kill someone? These are the type of crazy thoughts I would have.

I think it was a couple of months before I didn't feel like I was just going through the motions. I still didn't think I loved Beowulf. I was still thinking about the OM for several weeks after NC. The desire to contact him was almost overwhelming at times it was so powerful. But I held fast and when I felt that craving for the OM I jumped into something to keep me active and take my mind off him. Gradually it went away but like I said it took a while. Its really scary to feel that powerless over something. Especially something you created. I never want to feel like that again.


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## TBT

Morrigan said:


> This is something I can talk about. I was so confused for what seemed like forever. I was depressed. I felt alone. I had massive guilt. My guilt increased 100x every time Beowulf triggered. And when he triggered at first I didn't know what to do. I felt paralyzed. I also kept thinking about how I was no longer the person who could say I would never do such a thing. If I could do that to the one person who I loved most in this world what else was I capable of doing. Could I willfully hurt others? Could I hurt my child? Could I kill someone? These are the type of crazy thoughts I would have.
> 
> I think it was a couple of months before I didn't feel like I was just going through the motions. I still didn't think I loved Beowulf. I was still thinking about the OM for several weeks after NC. The desire to contact him was almost overwhelming at times it was so powerful. But I held fast and when I felt that craving for the OM I jumped into something to keep me active and take my mind off him. Gradually it went away but like I said it took a while. Its really scary to feel that powerless over something. Especially something you created. I never want to feel like that again.


Please don't take this the wrong way,but your last paragraph has me curious about a couple of things:

1.Are you saying you basically got through this initial phase by stuffing your emotions and intellectualizing the process a la Mr.Spock?

2.You said you were scared to feel that powerless.Did you never feel that powerless about saving your marriage or were they both just intertwined?

Hope I made sense.


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## Morrigan

TBT said:


> Please don't take this the wrong way,but your last paragraph has me curious about a couple of things:
> 
> 1.Are you saying you basically got through this initial phase by stuffing your emotions and intellectualizing the process a la Mr.Spock?
> 
> 2.You said you were scared to feel that powerless.Did you never feel that powerless about saving your marriage or were they both just intertwined?
> 
> Hope I made sense.


No, going through the motions in the sense that I knew I had to do work on the marriage and do the heavy lifting while simultaneously not feeling love for my husband. I think this is where many WS get stuck because they think why should I work on the marriage when I don't have positive feelings for their spouse. I chose to set aside my lack of feelings and concentrate on atoning for the wrong I did.

No, I didn't feel powerless in the marriage. I knew Beowulf had the choice to end the marriage or not. I had no right at that point to demand or even request anything. But I knew I had to fix what I did whether we stayed together or not. I caused the damage and it was my responsibility to try to try to make it right. The powerlessness came from my own mind betraying me. I knew what I had to do and what I couldn't do and yet I had such difficulty doing what I knew was right. I'm not sure I'm making much sense but its hard to explain.


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## TBT

Thanks.


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## Just Tired Of It All

Morrigan said:


> No, going through the motions in the sense that I knew I had to do work on the marriage and do the heavy lifting while simultaneously not feeling love for my husband. I think this is where many WS get stuck because they think why should I work on the marriage when I don't have positive feelings for their spouse. I chose to set aside my lack of feelings and concentrate on atoning for the wrong I did.
> 
> No, I didn't feel powerless in the marriage. I knew Beowulf had the choice to end the marriage or not. I had no right at that point to demand or even request anything. But I knew I had to fix what I did whether we stayed together or not. I caused the damage and it was my responsibility to try to try to make it right. The powerlessness came from my own mind betraying me. I knew what I had to do and what I couldn't do and yet I had such difficulty doing what I knew was right. I'm not sure I'm making much sense but its hard to explain.



Yes you are making since. It is helping to explain how 
the fog makes the WS feel and think.. I appreciate your honesty, and you taking the time to explain it.

One question thou, if you dont mind, you brought up triggers. So we know that BS can trigger easily, but can WS do the same? Like even thou you are R marriage, as you are writing this or really anytime you have to remember does it trigger you. Do you have any of the feeling you had after ending the A, or when you was going thru the fog. Does it ever cause you to trigger and bring back the feeling/or thouts of your AP.

I do appreciate you taking the time to help, it does help a BS to understand what there WS is going thru...


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## Affaircare

TBT said:


> 1.Are you saying you basically got through this initial phase by stuffing your emotions and intellectualizing the process a la Mr.Spock?


Not exactly but kind of. I came to realize that making life decisions based on how I "felt" was pretty foolish, because feelings/emotions can change pretty easily based on circumstances, choices, actions...all kinds of things! (For example, I may feel upset or angry right now, and then choose to 'let it go' and focus on something that makes me very happy...and then I'd feel happy or at least content. So just by making a choice and changing my focus, I change change "feelings" that fast!) So once I understood that in order to make life decisions there should at least be INVOLVEMENT of intellectual thoughts, I realized that I could make a decision to stay and honor my vows and be faithful and be loving....be THAT kind of person...and I also had reason to believe that my feelings would follow along. 

Soooo...it's not like every fiber of my body, mind and soul LONGED for the OM and I was just being fake and stuffing it. It was more like when a person tries to break a habit--say biting your nails. Lots of times you go to do that habitual thing without thinking ... sort of automatically. In order to stop biting your nails, you have to catch yourself when you do that automatic biting, and then choose to stop what you sort of want to do, and then choose the NEW action (put your hand down or do something else with your hands). See what I mean? You really, REALLY do want to stop biting your nails but you're just used to doing it...and it's somewhat the same here. You really, REALLY do want to stop thinking of and feeling for the OM, but you're just used to doing it. So you catch yourself, choose to stop, and then pick the new action. 



> 2.You said you were scared to feel that powerless.Did you never feel that powerless about saving your marriage or were they both just intertwined?


Well I can't speak for Morrigan but I did feel powerless to save my marriage before the A. I hated having to beg for attention, I figured if I was *that* uninteresting and boring I must be a slug, and I got tired of trying. I mean when you stand naked next to a guy and he doesn't stop playing his game...come on there's trouble! So I gave up, felt no hope for fixing it, and right at that moment along came someone who at least acted like I was just a breath of fresh air!! 

After the A I didn't feel helpless to end the A or save the marriage, but I did feel shocked at how strong the urge was to return even when I could SEE for myself that it wasn't working and it was a disaster to do so! That didn't make any sense to me! Also I felt like there was no way I'd ever be forgiven or "be able to fix this" it was such a gigantic mess...and what's really odd is that in my case although it felt big, not that many people knew or took up sides or any of that. I was lucky that way. I can't imagine how people do it when their whole family knows, people take up sides, the church knows, the neighbors know! So I guess in a way there is some helplessness there because it's like this: "How will I ever be able to fix this mess that I MADE and now all the fixing is up to the kindness of others basically!! "


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## Affaircare

Just Tired Of It All said:


> One question thou, if you dont mind, you brought up triggers. So we know that BS can trigger easily, but can WS do the same? Like even thou you are R marriage, as you are writing this or really anytime you have to remember does it trigger you? Do you have any of the feeling you had after ending the A, or when you was going thru the fog? Does it ever cause you to trigger and bring back the feeling/or thouts of your AP?


 Lots of questions there! Again I can't speak for Morrigan but I do trigger. My A involved meeting a person in a certain game and then playing yet another game together, so one of my little boundaries is that I don't play games without my Dear Hubby and when I play, I play with him for the express reason of spending time with him having fun. But you know how you can't think of EVERY thing? Well periodically the original game will send an email to everyone who's ever played "We miss you" so when I saw that email I blocked it...but I triggered and remembered everyone I had met including the OM. Likewise I happen to enjoy certain hobbies myself such as target practice and antique guns...old west stuff...and folks who like that will sometimes mention they play the second game. Again, you can't think of EVERY thing, and I can't tell people what to talk about--so for that one I choose to keep myself away from that topic so I would just go to another area maybe and watch other shooters or something. Make sense?

So yeah there are periodically things that pop up that are like reminders. Some songs...some poems...etc. But for me, again it comes down to CHOICE. I can choose to forever have those songs remind me of the OM and have this sort of sentimental sorrow to them (which to me is a way to 'hold on' to the OP) -OR- I can choose to purposefully decide about those things as I come across them. Either I pick "oh that's too dangerous for me cuz I have a weakness there...so I will decide to not go there" or I pick "oh that used to remind me of OM...how can I claim that one for Dear Hubby?" Sometimes one thing I've done is that if I actually, as a human being, like that song or poem, I'll share it with Dear Hubby and send it to him, tell him I like it, and we talk about it. 

Finally, when I talk about or write about the A now, in real life what it seems like to me is embarrassing and utterly foreign. It's like watching a movie of yourself doing something that just ISN'T you...but it was. I don't really trigger just remembering, but it's also been a long while and I have worked very hard to let go and build a strong marriage! Right this moment it feels pretty much like any memory--sort of like relating a story.


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## Morrigan

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Yes you are making since. It is helping to explain how
> the fog makes the WS feel and think.. I appreciate your honesty, and you taking the time to explain it.
> 
> One question thou, if you dont mind, you brought up triggers. So we know that BS can trigger easily, but can WS do the same? Like even thou you are R marriage, as you are writing this or really anytime you have to remember does it trigger you. Do you have any of the feeling you had after ending the A, or when you was going thru the fog. Does it ever cause you to trigger and bring back the feeling/or thouts of your AP.
> 
> I do appreciate you taking the time to help, it does help a BS to understand what there WS is going thru...


Yes I do trigger. I'm triggering now to be honest just thinking about that awful time. It doesn't bring back thoughts of the AP (He never enters my thoughts anymore. Ambivalence can be a wonderfully freeing emotion.) but it brings back a lot of the guilt. Its one reason I have a hard time posting on TAM. Once the fog cleared and I began seeing reality I never went back to those old thought processes. And I do trigger if I am reminded of things I/we did during the affair. But again its guilt that I feel, not feelings for the AP.

This may not be a popular thing to say here but once the fog starts to clear there is a tremendous amount of shame and guilt the WS experiences. So much so that I would bet many WS would rather get divorced than confront their own consciences. That is the real tragedy. The BS is so damned injured by the betrayal and the WS is so damned guilty. And the WS cannot really acknowledge the guilt because most would say we deserve it. And to a large extent we do but it doesn't make it hurt any less. So we carry that around all the while trying to comfort the person we injured. Some can't do it so they just give up. I refused to give up on my marriage but I will tell you that there were times early on when I wanted to die. I know that might sound melodramatic to some but its true nonetheless. The only thing that stopped me was my son. Then when my feelings started to return for Beowulf I had even more incentive to keep going.

I'm going to go take a walk now with Beowulf. I need to go get some air.


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## myelw316

This is helpful to me very much.
My husband returned home Jan 2nd and I know he has not cut contact. He cuts it for the weekend usually. Today he even refused oral sex and I thought okay...whatever, this is just never going to WORK...then he reconsidered a half hour later.

I think he realizes logically like one of you said that the affair was a fantasy and an escape...UNFORTUNATELY in a BIG way it was an exgirlfriend from high school and she never told him her oldest child is his. H and I have 4 kids together. The one with her was 2 years before I met him, so the ONLY good thing is that she married another guy while pregnant, had a child with him and the older child knows that man as his father. And he is 19 now, so is technically an adult. 

But we had all this financial difficulty and a 16, 14, 10 and 2 year old and he felt ignored and like a failure as a provider and along comes a past life with a child he didn't know existed....voila! You are the one for me blah blah blah..
he came home, but the emotional connection it almost non existent because he just won't allow it.

It helps a lot to see that there is this phase in there where you DON'T feel for your spouse but at the same time you have come to see that the AP isn't really what you thought, either.

This AP thankfully lives 12 hours away and they met once....after which he drove directly home to me. But did say he wouldn't be able to talk about her for a year or two.

He continues to talk to her, but I think b/c she left her husband after talking to him for a few weeks he feels like he's destroyed two families and now no matter what he has one destroyed family...which to me makes no sense....he took vows to ME and we had 4 kids.

But I can see my negative contributions to his state of mind and that on top of what is going on in his head. I am grateful that the people who were invovled in an affair are willing to help us understand.

I can wait...and I think he wants me to...but it is SO hard w/o affection. There is sex a couple times/week, but the 'I love you' and hand holding and hugging and deep meaningful conversations...I feeel like the guilt from the affair on top of the financial issues (almost foreclosed on house and filed bankruptcy to avoid and he could have lost job that is commission only...stressful esp, from what I understand, for a man who has been the sole provider)

The whole timeline thing and the things the wayward spouse feels ....this is just SO helpful to understand. Thank you. Details are helpful. Maybe doesn't seem like it would be, but it makes me see it can be worked through. 

Would be helpful to know if anything your BS did helped or hurt.


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## Just Tired Of It All

WOW.. this is so HELPFUL.. 

I tried to picture it, I tried to understand, I tried to feel compassionate for my WS. 

But I had been looking at it all wrong, basicially I got focused on my own feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion. And it was the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo. That I have and still at times do feel left me to think that his reflection on our marriage,or issues, his infidelity was trivial in comparison to my own.. you have helped me to begin to understand what I was so desperatly wanting to.

You hit a big issue I really was trying to grasp and that when you stated "I felt like there was no way I'd ever be forgiven or "be able to fix this" it was such a gigantic mess" my husband has stated this to me before. He felt as thou he would be " walking on egg shells for the rest of his life and that I would never really forgive him or beleive him when he says he truely only ever loved me that he never loved her" that I will hold it against him forever and he was afraid that I will never be able to truely love or respect him again. And this is on thing he was afraid of and this is one of the main reason he was on the fence about trying to save our marriage at the start. I feel that somtimes, still he feels this, he somtimes will say it, not hatefully, but with a look of agony in his eyes. So after reading all of you guys post and really helping ME to come to some understanding, it seems that the WS has the in some aspects, real fears,mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust as BS, BUT DIFFRENT. 

It is -if I am comprehending correctly- and I think I am, the thouts and feeling are diffent between the WS and the BS, it is about the A and our struggles and our symptom of other problems in the marriage, and we both want the same outcome with a renewed and strengthened marriage. But we both have our own things to conquer and overcome..

This is helping me a WHOLE lot and I am so THANKFUL and APPRECIATIVE that you all will take your time a share your own feeling, thouts and emotions you have and are having to go thru, It puts alot of things I was trying to comperhend into percpective, In order for me to find the strength and let go of my own hang-ups I really had this need to try to understand my husband, the fog, and his struggles his fears and his confussion as well, I know my own, but I couldnt fathom his or understand for that matter because I am the BS, I have not been on the side of the Ws, so I had no idea the truth of there own stuggles. 

Oh, he has tried to tell me, but I think that a BS gets so deep into there own emotions that we think, what the heck, how does he feel that way there is no way.. And for a spouse, we never knew that person, we only know of the person they were before the Affair, and like it changed us, it has in a sense changed the Ws to.. We dont see that, we dont understand it, maybe to some level we just dont want to, we want to hold on the the "way they were before" or image of our spouse the morals, the values, the feelings. The thouts about how we preceived them and veiwed them before they broke our trust, the boundaries that was set at the moment you said I do that you felt you need in your marriage in order to stay in the marriage an unspoken love of trust-commentment I guess I would say.

It seemed like there were some essentials I thout was a given, like blaming the third party, why dont they hate them despies them, why dont he despise his-self, why does he not deserve heartache, how can he really be that down, he wanted to work on our marriage, why does the "fog" get to be an excuse. Is this "fog" even real, I know the stuff I am going thru is real, but there is no way he can feel as much heartache as me, there is no way he can even come close to my sense of loss..he made a promise to me many years ago, does that not even play into the equation here.. Its ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.... (see my point) I got to thinking about it, and decided that me not understand the true things he is going won't change anything unless I make the effort like he to understand....

For the most part, my H isn't all that good at sharing things that are most important to them or the hurt or what he precieves a weakness. He probably isn't the rare exception to this rule. But I have seen him try to take down his wall, I didnt understand. 

It's one thing to let him know that I am hurt by this (we both need undertand the actions and fears I needed to understand the "fog" from the WS veiw in order for me to understand and to work as hard as I can to keep the anger out of my voice and to comprehend his emotions. ). It's something else entirely to pour more poison into the process than is already there.

I perceived it the way I wanted to.. And you all are helping me Tremedously.. THANK YOU SO MUCH...


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## Just Tired Of It All

"The whole timeline thing and the things the wayward spouse feels ....this is just SO helpful to understand. Thank you. Details are helpful. Maybe doesn't seem like it would be, but it makes me see it can be worked through. 

Would be helpful to know if anything your BS did helped or hurt. "


Yes yes yes and did I say YES.. I agree.. and great question... I love this site and the people.. they are saving so many from the heck of this stupid painful agony... And possibly god willing save some marriages.. THANK YOU ALL


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## TBT

Your open and honest posts help me to start to let go of the bitterness in my heart.Thank you all and Morrigan I hope your feeling better.You definitely did a mitzvah today.


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## Affaircare

Just Tired Of It All said:


> "...Would be helpful to know if anything your BS did helped or hurt. "


YES!!!!!

There were a lot of things that my Dear Hubby did that helped me. The biggest one is that he acted compassionate. Now I have no doubt that it hurt him immensely--we did talk about that too--but he didn't just discount me as if "Well you hurt me therefore YOUR hurt doesn't count and you deserve it anyway." He acted as if *my* feelings and *my* thoughts were of interest to him and meant something...and he did that by taking the time to ask me and then actually listen. I know for a fact he would ask, and I would answer honestly, and the honest answer was probably pretty hard to hear at that moment! Shoot the honest answer was VERY, VERY, VERY scary to *say* at that moment! But we were "all in" right? He was very deliberate: if he asked and I answered, he was VERY careful to listen and validate rather than saying "NUH UH that's not how it was..." He did say "well I can see how you'd view it that way and my view differs but I can tell you about that some other day....and that way he actually seemed to care about ME. Honestly, that was *MAJOR *for me because it was one of the things that demonstrated to me that we were both in it: not just him and not just me. We were in it together!

Another thing he did was just have some fun without "relationship" pressure all the time. I'm sure he wanted to "fix the marriage" and all that--I did too--but the fact is that constantly reading, changing, growing, trying new stuff...it's just exhausting. Plus it kind of puts across a message of "I don't love you the way you are, but if you change who you are entirely I might...some day..." Nope, we (Dear Hubby and I) are actually very much alike and if I weren't his wife I'd be friends with the man! So we did stop doing things "independently" and started to do things together that we both found fun. You'd be surprised how much you like your spouse! So we watched all the Cary Grant movies in order...we read a series together of an author we both like (Stephen Donaldson) etc. And yep we also did quizzes and did relationship things but they were like a portion of our marriage relationship, not the ONLY FOCUS. We realized that part of "reconciling" was becoming intimate and that includes mentally, emotionally, spiritually...and yep physically.

Another thing he did was be patient--FIRM, but patient. What I mean here is that he did not and would not tolerate contact or certain things like that...he did check regularly (and for that I was pretty thankful because it gave me a chance to prove I was behaving)...but he wasn't an overbearing jerk about it. He did not treat me like, "Well I have this weapon I can hold over you forever and when you try and fail, I'm going to bring it up and focus on my hurt." We did focus on him, don't get me wrong, but there was like equal understanding that as a human being I'm going to be imperfect, I'm going to goof up at times, and I felt like I could go to him and say, "Darn I think I messed up but I'm not sure what I should have done differently" and then explain what happened and he'd say, "Well personally I would have preferred if you did _this _or _that_" or "In my opinion is seems like _this _would have been a wiser choice so let's do that now!"


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