# Is it to late to save!!!



## xbdad (May 22, 2012)

It’s been 4 days since I kicked my GF of 7 years out. It was not what I wanted and she called my bluff. We talked the next and she called for space or a break and is now staying with her mother. We have to talk on a daily basis because of our daughter. In these 4 days we have done more outdoor activities, communicate more and even had 2 dates, which is far more that we ever did since our daughter was born. I was too busy being a father, friend and provider for my daughter that I completely lost sight of my GF’s needs. I don’t want to lose her but it may just happen. Today we took our daughter for a bike ride down by the river, were holding hands and talking about us. She told me that we are not completely done. She needs the space to see if she really wants to be with me or can do with out me. She basically called it a “HALL PASS” like the movie. How does one handle this? Is she pretty much saying she wants to sleep around and then maybe come back once she is done? She also said not to think of the break as the end of us but as a newly found couple just getting to know each other. What do I do? Do I start sending her corny text messages just to let her know I’m thinking about her? Just the other day I asked her out for a 3rd date and she agreed. I went out and did something I never done for her and bought an outfit with heels to match. Do I still go through with this date? I know my lack of showing her how much I appreciate her and my lack of communication and my passion for car audio drove her away. The $$ I made from audio installs all went in getting something nice for our 3 yr old. I am now kicking myself in the butt. I should have invested it my GF too.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

xb,

First of all, what happened that lead to the break-up? This is very important!

Before you go too far into the wooing of your GF (and kudos for at least recognizing that your past treatment of her wasn't stellar) I think the two of you need to address the HALL PASS issue NOW!

If it is the opportunity for her to date and possibly have sex, can you deal with this? I don't think I could and that is DEFINITELY not my idea of working on your realtionship.

You could ask her if she's interested in couples counseling if she isn't intending to date. If she wants to date, I wouldn't waste the money on counseling

Good luck!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Oops, wrong website. I thought this was talk about marriage.


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## xbdad (May 22, 2012)

Toffer, my GF cheated about a month ago. We addressed the issue and we started working things out. One problem I have is communicating with her. If something is on my mind I don’t like to trouble anyone with my problems. So there fourth I just keep everything bottled up. It just the way I have always been. Just last Thursday we are talking cause I’m always saying things will get better and doesn’t know if she should continue anymore. So I tell her I felt the exact same way 5 yrs ago on our last break up which lasted almost two week. I remember the call, “I really miss you and I want to come back and work things out. Do you want me back in your life?” is what she said. My answer was “I miss you to, but I really don’t want you hear if you don’t want to be hear, so do what ever you want.” As I was with friend that night she moved her stuff back in. For the first week I had no intent to make things work but that quickly changed with in the month. And that is what sparked an argument about being independent and the argument stopped there. I packed her stuff and sent her on her way out the door. 
We have been talking about this “hall pass” so that I can get a full understanding of what it is. I know its not going to help the relationship but I just cant seam to talk about it, I feel like the more I bring it up I am pushing her away even further. The cheating I can handle as I have neglected her needs. I have always complemented her, told her she is the most beautiful girl. But I really slacked of on showing her how much I appreciated her and the things she did for me and our daughter. I don’t think I can handle her sleeping around and then trying to come back. I am really scared for the safety of her and my daughter. Just recently her 21 yr old niece caught Herpes off her third BF. This really scares me that my GF may catch something and maybe hand it off to my daughter.
About two years ago she asked that we should go to a marriage/couples counselor, I laughed at the idea, she also wanted to attend a local church and get our 3 yr old baptized. I know I am coming of like such a douche, and I really hate my self for not listening to her. I don’t know how to tell her that I am willing to try counseling being that I shot that idea down when she brought it up. I am willing to go to church but I still stand my ground on not baptizing my daughter. I haven’t been to church since I was 10 and that was 20 yrs ago. As I grew older I just never understood the fact of pay a multi-million organization for my salvation. But I am willing to give it a try. 
This is very hard on me as my 3 yr old know what is going on. After our bike ride I tell her by and hug and kiss her and she is always apologizing to me, yesterday was “I’m sorry dad, I didn’t meant to hit you, it was an accident” as she held me tight. In some way she thinks she can’t be with me is her fault.


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## xbdad (May 22, 2012)

This is me said:


> Oops, wrong website. I thought this was talk about marriage.


I don’t think a 7 yr relationship with a 3 yr old daughter, a new house and a ford in the drive way is a one night stand. We have treated this relationship as marriage at one point. 
GF or Wife, same difference… a cleaning has been ordered to make things neat again.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

xb,

While you are responsible for at least half the issues in your relationship, you share absolutely no responsibility for her affair. She owes that 100%.

Whether you're married or not, your in a relationship that in most states is considered a coomomn law marriage.

This affair is still new and I will be honest it sounds as if she is still in a fog about it

You need to go to the Coping With Infidelity forum here at TAM and do some reading about affairs.

It's possible that this affair (A) could still going on. What happened and how did you find out?

Is your GF texting a lot still? Did you have access to her phone before she moved out?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You're doing it all wrong. You don't chase a cheater to bring her back, you make her suffer hard consequence's so she'll realize how much of a good guy you are. 

Stop this dating and going out crap. All that does is she gets to spend quality time with you/daughter and screw her boyfriend the other times.


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## xbdad (May 22, 2012)

Toffer, she told me the next morning what she had did. She first said it was some random dude at the bar. But it didn’t sound convincing enough so I hoped on line, check my cell phone bill and seen a number that repeated its self. With a bit of research online I find his name. So I tell her she is full of bull poop. This scared the be-jesus out of her cause I got all my info with out touching her phone and she has no facebook on top of that. I get back home and she tells me that that she called the guy back up and told him that it was just a one time thing and that I was out looking for him and that they both agreed to delete each others number. I gave her that much. When I kicked her out I check my cell bill again and sure enough they have stopped all contact from the day they deleted the numbers. When she left I took her phone away as well. Technically its my old phone under my name. I had it for 3 days and nothing suspicious happened. I checked her email (smart phone) it has 9 new messages but turned out to be spam mail. i will take a look over in the Coping With Infidelity




keko said:


> You're doing it all wrong. You don't chase a cheater to bring her back, you make her suffer hard consequence's so she'll realize how much of a good guy you are.
> 
> Stop this dating and going out crap. All that does is she gets to spend quality time with you/daughter and screw her boyfriend the other times.


The other guy is out of the picture. If anyone is getting quality time, it is me. I get to spend time with the both of them as a family. My daughter is staying with my GF at her moms house. She may have broken the bond of trust and friend ship but it was my ignorance that drove her away.


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## jtut21 (Mar 21, 2012)

Seems to me like she is testing you to see if you still love her and want to give her attention and at the same time she wants you to care for your daughter. The worst thing you can do is to become desperate and smother her. If she is wanting space than you need to give it to her. Realize that you made her fall in love with you once before and you need to make changes to bring out that person again. Give her some space and work on yourself to bring out the person that adores your GF as well as your daughter.

All the best,

Josh


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

hmm ok well she is undecided as to who she wants..you or the other guy..she may have another phone that he got her or is contacting him one way or another. She's in the fog. Don't give her anything, no money, nothing,, go cold on her, stop talking to her for a while..she needs to see if she wants to be with you or not. Sorry but she is dating, checking out what it's like to be single. She may wake up and come back to you. In the meantime you are giving her the best of both worlds...STOP...read the newbie threads on her, go cold do the 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

xb,

It was not " my ignorance that drove her away." It was her inability to remain committed to you and the desire for another man's you know what.

So, she left you home to babysit her/your child and had sex with another guy. I'm sorry but her ability to do this so easily would give me pause to question the paternity of your child. 

xb, she PLANNED this hook-up! This wasn't a one night druken indescretion! I also wouldn't be surprised if you find out down the road that it was more than 1x.

How far back did you go in the cell phone history?

I agree with Cantsitstill and that she's probably still communicating with him in some way now that she's out from under your roof. Follow Cant's advice and all the other advice and evidence gathering techniques you'll find in te CWI section


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## xbdad (May 22, 2012)

When I checked my phone records, the number only appeared for about a month. It was the end of March and through mid April. Every thing before that is family and our friends. I thought of the idea of her possibly having another phone and communicating with this guy in another way. I have 3 cell lines, my phone, her phone and a spare phone line which she thinks I disconnected years ago. I took the spare phone plugged in a wired headset turned the volumes down and set it to auto answer and mounted it in the dash of my car. I say my car because it’s my car under my name that she drives to get back and fourth to work. There has been no activity of any communication going on or nothing suspicious. I’d call it while she went to work and the time she got off of work or anytime she left the house. I believe her when she says it is over with this guy. She will tell you the truth no matter if it hurts you or not. And right know she does not care if she hurts me or not. Yesterday I’m hanging with the kiddo and the GF and I start talking about the Hall Pass. She is still confused if she wants to be with me or be single. So I let her have it, although I maybe able to get by with the mortgage and bills and a kiddo that I am seriously considering putting the house on the market. I told her we (kiddo and I) are not waiting for her and when she decides to come back we will not be there. I think I am just about done trying to win her over again. She doesn’t know what she wants and I know what I don’t want. I am not going into a financial ruin because she wants space… 
as for the paternity of my child, she resembles me and is all was mistaken for my sister’s kid. I don’t think I would ever want to know if she is not mine, I have been there since day 1.


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## xbdad (May 22, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> STOP...read the newbie threads on her, go cold do the 180
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i have been looking for the newbie thread can seam to find if on the search.


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