# Resently separated...how soon is too soon...?



## used to know (Feb 3, 2013)

Long story short...been married for 10 years, been sleeping on the couch for the past 5 years and hand no sex during that time...well we separated over two weeks ago. My question is, when do people start getting back into the game again? We have not been a married couple for over 5 years, so the emotional attachment is not there for us. I just want someone to talk to and have a converations with, other then by buddies


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Any kids?


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## used to know (Feb 3, 2013)

Yes...two


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I'd wait a bit, at least with anything they might see. Hubsbeast and I lived in separate rooms for a while, but even introducing her as a friend has my kids very upset.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

BFGuru, I am as pro-M, pro-R, and "take your time" as they come, but this M would appear on the surface to be dead and has been for a while.

UTK, have you discussed any rules for this separation with your spouse? And are there any reasons why you would not start going out to meet people? Do you live in a no-fault state where adultery would have an impact?

Whatever you do, you should agree with your spouse that you won't bring a GF/BF around the kids until you have known this GF/BF for at least a year or it is getting serious. The kids don't need to have mom & dad's new lover of the week shoved in their face.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Tron, the last paragraph is what I was trying to say. What you do away from the kids is your business.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Gotcha...all good then.


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## used to know (Feb 3, 2013)

Thanks for the advice so far. This is all new to me...just needed some advice. Please keep it coming.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

5 years and no emotional attachment?

Get out there whenever you feel like. If that is now, do it now.

Your marriage has been no more than a slip of paper for 5 years. Unless it could lead to you being kicked in the nutsack for 'cheating'. Do you have legal separation done or lined up?

Look after you legal interests but morally? Do what is right for you.

The key advice you have already had. Keep any new interests separate from your kids. They can be confused enough without that added on top.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I don't think that there is an set time that is the "right" time. You just have to remember that kids take a very, very long time to accept that the marriage is over (if they ever really do) and are very very slow to accept any new relationship. Even when they do accept someone new it is often with a lot of reluctance and negativity. 

Just try to put yourself in your kids' shoes.


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## used to know (Feb 3, 2013)

I have been in my kids shoes before. My dad left the house when I was 6-7 years old. Never truly got over it. I sometimes blame him for the way I am today...really should not, but I do. Thanks for all the advice. Please keep them coming....


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry for your situation. It seems like you have been kind of separated for 5 years. Don't your kids already know what is going on? Haven't they figured it out for themselves?

Anyway, as I have posted before, I put it out there to my WAW that she should see other people if I could not make her happy. I met someone that night and we just did what people do. Got to know each other, enjoyed spending time together, felt the enegy and excitement and now we hate being away from each other (5 months now).

You will get great perspectives from different sincere folks here, some say wait, some say jump in with both feet others somewhere in the middle. You know what is right for you.

My point is this, enjoy your life and let it happen, sometimes it is pretty damn good.


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## used to know (Feb 3, 2013)

Thanks for all the inside so far...


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I read your post again and I wanted to add a couple more thoughts.

You say you want someone to talk to and that is clearly normal. I would suggest you find a counselor that you can talk to about your feelings because you are going to have a wide range of them ranging from deep sadness to bitterness and anger. This will give you an objective perspective to help you heal. It was so very helpful for me.

If money is an issue, you might want to reach out to your pastor if you are a church goer or even if you don't go to church ask a friend that is and see if you can talk to their pastor for counseling or help finding a counselor.

Good luck brother, while you are in a different situation than most on the blogs here, you will probably feel good talking to one of the resources.

Stretch


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

used to know said:


> Long story short...been married for 10 years, been sleeping on the couch for the past 5 years and hand no sex during that time...well we separated over two weeks ago. My question is, when do people start getting back into the game again? We have not been a married couple for over 5 years, so the emotional attachment is not there for us. I just want someone to talk to and have a conversations with, other then by buddies


When they decide to. It's a personal decision. 

Some date right away. Some wait a little. Some wait a long time. Find what works best for you.

I personally had zero desire to date during/after my divorce. I was still pretty hurt and healing. No sense in dating when one feels that way.


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