# How do you deal with the pain and anxiety??



## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

I don't know how to deal with this pain that I feel in my chest and the empty pit that I feel in my stomach. I take xanax which helps a lot but I can't take my mind off of my wife. She is moving out on the 22nd (Here is a link to my original post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/227626-confused-need-advice.html ) I obviously don't want her to go. I am madly in love with her and would do anything for her. I can't imagine my life without her. How did you shake that feeling?? How did you picture you future with someone else?? 

What makes it worse is that she is still in the house and acts like we are married.. We sleep next to each other, we cuddle, we kiss, we go to dinner, we go to the movies.. EVERYTHING!!! She tells me she loves me and is in love with me.. so it is making it so hard for me to accept that she is still moving out. 

I know I need to cut her off from doing those things but it is so hard because I want that!! 

I just feel like my world is falling apart.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

There is no magic remedy. You just bite the bullet and do it...

First of all STOP cuddling, kissing, going to dinner and movies. All that stuff is messing with your head. Google "the 180" and take steps ASAP to start emotionally detaching. You will never start "dealing" with it until you go no contact.

Time heals all wounds my friends. Every day you wake up it will hurt a tiny bit less then one day you wake up and the pain will be gone. TRUST ME. It may take a year, it may take five but eventually you will accept it and move on. But again you can't start the clock until you cut her off. 

The faster you start the faster you will recover. You're just delaying the healing process and putting salt in the wound.

Good Luck.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I read your other thread, but still have some questions. What has been discussed, either between the both of you or just her reasons alone, for the outcome of her moving out? Is she done with you for good and wants a divorce? Does she just need some space? Does she want to work on things but just not live together for a while?


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

Adeline said:


> I read your other thread, but still have some questions. What has been discussed, either between the both of you or just her reasons alone, for the outcome of her moving out? Is she done with you for good and wants a divorce? Does she just need some space? Does she want to work on things but just not live together for a while?


She says she just wants to be alone. She said that she isn't going for a divorce now. And maybe work it out in the future. Yesterday she texted me saying I love you, so I replied with "if you truly love me then just let me be, let me starting getting over you and move on".. her next response was "you don't think we can work it out in the future?". why do we need to work it out in the future!? she says she is in love with me, she cries whenever she talks about moving out but yet she won't stay with me. I just don't understand it!! 

I know that I am just torturing myself by cuddling, kissing, and hanging out with her.. I need to make myself stop that, as hard as it is! I hadn't been texting her much anymore and shes been asking why Im ignoring her and telling me that I hate her. so she obviously doesn't like it.

I haven't told her that once she moves out, she will have 0 contact with me. She wants to be without me, so she needs to see what its actually like. It is just really hard while we are still in the same house.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

In general , do not tell her what you are doing just do it.

I cannot urge you enough to start exercising like a mad man. I also think it would be wise for you to start developing a social schedule with friends and try to take up a hobby you have wanted to try.

Do these things immediately and intensely. You are going to get overwhelmed when she bolts.

Start preparing to live your life on your own.

Be strong, the exercise and other activities battle the pain and anxiety.

Stretch


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Slowly do new things, make new friends, learn new things, seek counceling. Treat love like an addiction because it is. 

Everytime she acts like a couple with you, she keeps drawing you in. Find something new that brings you joy, and fulfillment. Purpose gives us strength. Like be the best role model for your child, even do charity work and touch others lives or something like that. Go out there and explore and experience new things and those new things will change you. Challenge your views and prospective, and grow as an individual. 

Probably doing all those things will help you realize that you don't need her in your life as you once thought.

By forming new relationship and deepening others, our bonding hormones will go to those new things, and the feelings you have for your wife should fade. Dunbar states, that as humans, we are only capable of maintaining a few deep relationship. The few that we nurture will grow while the ones we don't will fade.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Jharm said:


> I haven't told her that once she moves out, she will have 0 contact with me. She wants to be without me, so she needs to see what its actually like. It is just really hard while we are still in the same house.


Given your actions to date, I'm thinking it's going to be a lot harder for you to refrain from contacting her once she's no longer living with you.

It's too bad because there's a chance that if you were able to toughen up now, she just might regain some of that lost attraction for you.

Weak and sappy is unattractive.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Jharm said:


> She says she just wants to be alone. She said that she isn't going for a divorce now. And maybe work it out in the future. Yesterday she texted me saying I love you, so I replied with "if you truly love me then just let me be, let me starting getting over you and move on".. her next response was "you don't think we can work it out in the future?". .


Sorry, haven't read your other thread, but I must point out that her behavior outlined above is similar to "cake eating". Have you ruled out another man?

If she's not fooling around on you she's jerking you around. Does she have a cruel streak? Is she punishing you for something in the past? 

Either way, the remedy is the same. Play hardball with her.

This means you man up and make it clear you won't be jerked around this way. A good way to do it is to beat her to the filing of divorce papers. Actions, not words will win the day. 

This is a case where she knows she has leverage over you because you are more emotionally invested in the marriage than she. Thus she can jerk you around this way cause she knows you will take it. 

Stop taking it. Either way you win because you either call her bluff, or you free yourself from a flake.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

I'm In Australia and we have a natural remedy called rescue remedy, it's natural and seriously works at taking the edge off anxiety. Liver salts also for neuralgia will do the job, i started using them a week ago and they have helped me immeasurably. They work, go to health food store or chemist they should have them. If you can't sleep try Valerian it will help you get to sleep and stay asleep. It will get you over the initial hump of anxiety and settle your nerves. It's stops the twisted feeling in your belly and stops you thinking all the time. Trust me try them, they are cheap 2. Private message me and I can send you pics if you want by email.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hmm, she might be using you. If everything workds out for her out there, your relationship will end. By acting like a couple with you, she secures a safe harbor just in case things don't work out like she planned. 

You trying to move on ywith your life isn't going well because like a bait with a hook, she keeps catching you.


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

She is totally cake eating and I allowed it. I have seen a therapist for 4 months since the first time she told me she was going to leave me and that I needed to change... The next day I had an appt set up for my therapist and have been going since.

Anyway, so I went to my therapist last night and she really helped to put things into perspective. So I immediately cut off all contact with her (we live in the same house for 2 more weeks) that is possible. We shared a phone plan, I got on my own today, I opened her up her own bank account and I am giving her what she wants.... To be away from me. 

I can't be a doormat and let her treat me how she wants. I'm just angry now.


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