# He won't work!



## Mrs.Stone (Jan 25, 2018)

My husband decided not to work all year.

So I worked hard took care of the children paided all the bills and because I have good credit got a credit card, because my income does not cover everything, now I am over my credit limit can't pay it off I owe 30,000.

We need to move.....

My credit score has dropped 50 points, my husband has a crap score of 500 something and zero rental history and he did not file any taxes.

All of this to say WE NEED TO MOVE!!!!

However because my current job is a independent contractor job no one will except my income as income" because They request 2 filed tax returned from the same company. 

My husband did not work all of last year nor did he file taxes so I was not even able to use my tax return from one year and his return from another year.

I am very upset because I work hard day in and day out and make decent money but am so far in debt trying to take care of my children, myself and apparently him as well.

I am so over him.

A man who does not work does not eat.

Except he ate on my dime all year long.

They say stick by your man's side. He was there for you while you went to college, be there for him. 

Yes, he was there for me but we were not married I had a place where I paid my own bills had my own car bought my own food and I worked!!!!!!

Now he has signed himself up for school and is going 5 days a week all day long.

The adasity!!!!


I want to leave him. But I am lucky enough to me a Christan (don't hate on my Christianity, I truly love the fact that Jesus died for me and my sins and would never change the fact that I live in that truth everyday) so I can't divorce him it is not an option I am suppose to just work it all out, while I and my children suffer.

I am angry. This is not the life I signed up for.

Mean while men I interact with and do business with are happy to help me out if I would allow and totally let me live in their homes if I I just say the word.

The word will not be said because as much as I hate my HISBAND right now and for the past 365 days I love him, I don't want a life without him, but so don't understand how he thinks he can just lose his mind and I am going to stick around and take it.

I have never needed him for anything, I have always been independent and he has always been bothered by that and I think he has purposely put me in this situation because now I "need" him because I have no idea how I am going to pull my family out of this financial hole that was created in just under 12 months.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Just how do you "need him" if he's just an anchor pulling you down?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You say you won't divorce him and will just keep doing xyz.

That's why he won't work.
You're choosing a life of misery.
The audacity!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are certain expectations in marriage but there is no way to force your partner to live up to them. In the end all y ou can do is leave if they fail to keep up their end of the bargain.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kick him out. Nothing in the bible says you can't do that. Tell him you will stay married to him because of your beliefs but he has to find a place to live and food to eat. Quote the scripture below. Tell him he has a month. Get a different place without his name on it and don't give him a key. You can do all that and stay married. Eventually he will either straighten up or he will move on to leach on someone else and you will have biblical grounds to divorce. A man who is fully capable of working and doesn't is not a man, he is a child. Unfortunately you have to treat him like one. 



> 2 Thessalonians 3:10
> 
> For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat.


By the way you will get over your love for him trust me.


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## Mrs.Stone (Jan 25, 2018)

uhtred said:


> There are certain expectations in marriage but there is no way to force your partner to live up to them. In the end all y ou can do is leave if they fail to keep up their end of the bargain.



Yes I agree that we all have expectations I just never thought during around all day and not working was an expectation that my partner would not have for himself. 

He has always worked. This is so new and out of character. It's like I am waking up to a whole other person.....

I understand people grow and change over time. It has not even been that long. I am not asking him to male millions but I am asking to make sure the mortgage, lights, water, transportation, and food are all provided in a timely manner with the assistance of your wife because I work too. I don't just sit home all day.

Not providing for your family is baffling to me. I am clearly upset and in true disbelief that this would even be my life right now.


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## Mrs.Stone (Jan 25, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Kick him out. Nothing in the bible says you can't do that. Tell him you will stay married to him because of your beliefs but he has to find a place to live and food to eat. Quote the scripture below. Tell him he has a month. Get a different place without his name on it and don't give him a key. You can do all that and stay married. Eventually he will either straighten up or he will move on to leach on someone else and you will have biblical grounds to divorce. A man who is fully capable of working and doesn't is not a man, he is a child. Unfortunately you have to treat him like one.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am to the point where I have exosted all of my resources. We both have to leave at this point. Me to a friend's house to be on her couch with our children and him to who knows where I am sure he will find a couch to crash on.

It's effecting my performance at working and not truly having a place for my children is not going to make it any better. I have a friend willing to help me get a place for myself and my children bit I don't want to use this options because nothing in life is truly free, even when people say they just want to help, they have other motives, or will throw it in your face later on when you are unable to help them out in the future.

Just 30 months ago, I had a home a large sum of money in my savings account a job I loved and some healthy happy children. I went from girl friend to wife and my life became this unexpected nightmare.

I look back in hindsight and truly only see one moment that was out of place that could have been a warning of what was to come, but there was only one and I thought about it at the time and determined it was stress related and the fact that all the years before he had never acted like this......sorry for the long post but I can't talk to my friends or family about this because in their eyes he can do no wrong.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Tell him you will stay married to him because of your beliefs but he has to find a place to live and food to eat.


Bad plan. If he runs up debt while out doing whatever OP will be responsible for a percentage of that debt on top of what she's already stuck with. Not to mention, alimony is a thing. The longer they're married, the more alimony she'll owe him and the longer she'll have to pay it if/when they divorce.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, divorce him ASAP. Get a lawyer, for sure (see if legal aid is available for free assistance). He will be required to pay child support, and will create real problems for himself if he doesn't find work to pay it. Also, filing will protect you from his future debts and expenses. A lot of damage has already been done, but letting this continue will make things even worse.

The only possible mitigating factor I can think of is that he may be depressed, and it hasn't been diagnosed or treated. Is there a reason he may be?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Bad plan. If he runs up debt while out doing whatever OP will be responsible for a percentage of that debt on top of what she's already stuck with. Not to mention, alimony is a thing. The longer they're married, the more alimony she'll owe him and the longer she'll have to pay it if/when they divorce.


Not saying I wouldn't divorce him. Trying to give her a solution in the context of her beliefs. Kicking him out still gives consequences.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mrs.Stone said:


> I am to the point where I have exosted all of my resources. We both have to leave at this point. Me to a friend's house to be on her couch with our children and him to who knows where I am sure he will find a couch to crash on.
> 
> It's effecting my performance at working and not truly having a place for my children is not going to make it any better. I have a friend willing to help me get a place for myself and my children bit I don't want to use this options because nothing in life is truly free, even when people say they just want to help, they have other motives, or will throw it in your face later on when you are unable to help them out in the future.
> 
> ...


What is his excuse?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well he isn't exactly doing nothing, he is studying correct? However, is his chosen future profession going to be worth all the tuition fees, time invested, and the opportunity cost of not working? How about the employment rate for the profession? If it's not favorable, it's time to have a discussion. What's your game plan, yours as in - both you and his. If you don't have one, you need to make one - with him.

At first I was going to say "kick out the free-loader!" but then you mentioned he's studying. You have to spend money to make money.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Mrs.Stone said:


> I want to leave him. But I am lucky enough to me a Christan (don't hate on my Christianity, I truly love the fact that Jesus died for me and my sins and would never change the fact that I live in that truth everyday) so I can't divorce him it is not an option I am suppose to just work it all out, while I and my children suffer.
> 
> I am angry. This is not the life I signed up for.


When you put it that way, I can understand the appeal.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Quote the scripture below.


He could just come back with the "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church" verse.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> At first I was going to say "kick out the free-loader!" but then you mentioned he's studying. You have to spend money to make money.


In my neck of the woods, adult males with wives and children who want to get a degree or certification do so while working. The OP ran up over $30k in debt she cannot afford to pay and they have to move because he abdicated his responsibilities as an adult with a family to become a student. I'd be furious, too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MJJEAN said:


> In my neck of the woods, adult males with wives and children who want to get a degree or certification do so while working. The OP ran up over $30k in debt she cannot afford to pay and they have to move because he abdicated his responsibilities as an adult with a family to become a student. I'd be furious, too.


True, in my country we have alot of welfare programs, for struggling families as well as students. Tuition debt is governed by the state, and is taken out of the graduate's pay when employment commences.

It's not much however, and some people, especially those without welfare, such as overseas students, even work full-time and study full-time - at the same time!

He's not pulling his weight sure, but hence I recommend having a sit down and discussion about it - OP and her husband. He's not that far gone compared to a complete couch potato. Just need direction and motivation.


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## Mrs.Stone (Jan 25, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Well he isn't exactly doing nothing, he is studying correct? However, is his chosen future profession going to be worth all the tuition fees, time invested, and the opportunity cost of not working? How about the employment rate for the profession? If it's not favorable, it's time to have a discussion. What's your game plan, yours as in - both you and his. If you don't have one, you need to make one - with him.
> 
> At first I was going to say "kick out the free-loader!" but then you mentioned he's studying. You have to spend money to make money.


Yes he did start school the first week of January, he did nothing much for the full year before that.

He was aware we did not have the money we needed before he started school, but he decided to go anyway. I would love to support his goals and dreams but at the expense of our kids and livelihood it's not worth it.

I have down sized, cut back, ext and it's still not enough and we don't live an over consumer life style because I do make money at work but no enough to support the whole house all on my own.

Truth is before we got into this mess I could have easily taken care of myself and the children.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Have a sit down with him, be firm. I'm not sure if it's wise of us to suggest a course of action until you guys do.

Perhaps he'll realise that he is being an idiot and driving his family to poverty (you have kids?!), but if not... well, then you would have to do what you would have to do. Have a talk first!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

What type of jod did he used to have?

Did he just up and quit?

Was he downsized?

Very odd!


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I have a friend that just went through this. Her H was laid off several years ago. He totally lost confidence and became a "stay at home dad". Except that he didn't do the things that SAHM's do. My friend came home to find the kids unfed, the laundry not done, the house not clean. When the kids started school, she thought he'd get active with the school. He didn't. She begged. She pleaded. She pushed. She was never able to get him to take an active role in life and finally, after burning through a lot of money trying to get him to be productive, she gave up and divorced him.

Give him some strong but fair ultimatums. When he fails to live up to them, file for divorce. Some people won't work until they have no other choice.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Mrs.Stone said:


> My husband decided not to work all year.
> 
> So I worked hard took care of the children paided all the bills and because I have good credit got a credit card, because my income does not cover everything, now I am over my credit limit can't pay it off I owe 30,000.
> 
> ...


May I ask how he would describe the situation? What is the education he is doing?

I ask this, because he might believe that he has been unemployed, struggled to find work, but is going to school to hopefully get a good career.

Or, he might just be a leech.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

OP,

A large part of religious guidelines and dogma was created long before the idea of credit scores and long after Jesus actually died for the sins of his believers. Long story short, women have rights now that they did not have 2000 years ago- and Jesus died to save your soul, not as an excuse to keep you in an unhappy marriage. Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn't have your best interests at heart (earthly or eternal). 

Give him one last ultimatum, open a bank account only in your name, and if he doesn't man up & get a job then leave him and file for divorce. You and your kids will be better off in the long run. 

Good luck.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> May I ask how he would describe the situation? What is the education he is doing?
> 
> I ask this, because he might believe that he has been unemployed, struggled to find work, but is going to school to hopefully get a good career.
> 
> Or, he might just be a leech.


Any able bodied man can find work. There is no excuse to downsize, still go into deep debt, and have to move, especially with children to care for. He could contact the local temp services and be working a factory/manufacturing job within a week. He could go back to his former job or a related job. Hell, he could work at the local movie theatre or McDonald's. One friend of mine with 3 kids got his paralegal certs while working an afternoon shift as a janitor. Another with two kids got her X-Ray Tech certs while waiting tables. My friends mom became an Accountant while raising 4 kids and working as office help at a small local HVAC company. Bettering oneself is always a good thing, but the bills don't stop being due while getting a degree. The reality is that adults with families to support generally don't get to quit working and go to school for 1-4 years unless the other spouse can cover the bills. OP can't. Her H seems to have a choice. Go to school and work or just get a job, because this isn't cutting it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mrs.Stone said:


> My husband decided not to work all year.
> 
> So I worked hard took care of the children paided all the bills and because I have good credit got a credit card, because my income does not cover everything, now I am over my credit limit can't pay it off I owe 30,000.
> 
> ...


As a Christian please both go and see your pastor asap and talk to him. He is a husband and dad and has responsibilities and has to work and have an income. That is a fact. Its non negotiable. You cant afford for him to study and have no income,


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Edo Edo said:


> OP,
> 
> A large part of religious guidelines and dogma was created long before the idea of credit scores and long after Jesus actually died for the sins of his believers. Long story short, women have rights now that they did not have 2000 years ago- and Jesus died to save your soul, not as an excuse to keep you in an unhappy marriage. Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn't have your best interests at heart (earthly or eternal).
> 
> ...


Well we cant pick and chose what part of the Bible we believe and what we don't, but in this case something has to be done, but its not divorce. 
One of the church leaders or elders has to speak to him and challenge him on what he is doing. If he is going to study, then he needs to work as well. Many students also have jobs and he has a family to support. If you cant afford for him to study then he needs to get a full time job and do evening classes.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mrs.Stone said:


> I am to the point where I have exosted all of my resources. We both have to leave at this point. Me to a friend's house to be on her couch with our children and him to who knows where I am sure he will find a couch to crash on.
> 
> It's effecting my performance at working and not truly having a place for my children is not going to make it any better. I have a friend willing to help me get a place for myself and my children bit I don't want to use this options because nothing in life is truly free, even when people say they just want to help, they have other motives, or will throw it in your face later on when you are unable to help them out in the future.
> 
> ...


You are wise not taking that offer, especially if its from a man. Also why cant it be a place for all of you and not just you and the children?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Any able bodied man can find work. There is no excuse to downsize, still go into deep debt, and have to move, especially with children to care for. He could contact the local temp services and be working a factory/manufacturing job within a week. He could go back to his former job or a related job. Hell, he could work at the local movie theatre or McDonald's. One friend of mine with 3 kids got his paralegal certs while working an afternoon shift as a janitor. Another with two kids got her X-Ray Tech certs while waiting tables. My friends mom became an Accountant while raising 4 kids and working as office help at a small local HVAC company. Bettering oneself is always a good thing, but the bills don't stop being due while getting a degree. The reality is that adults with families to support generally don't get to quit working and go to school for 1-4 years unless the other spouse can cover the bills. OP can't. Her H seems to have a choice. Go to school and work or just get a job, because this isn't cutting it.


If the point of this thread is to understand, then we should do that.

If the point of the thread is to bash that man and that is that. We can do that with the first post. 

I am not disagreeing with yout points. Post-PhD, I worked in a sandwich shop and a market trader. My point is we need to see how he sees the situation.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> If the point of this thread is to understand, then we should do that.
> 
> If the point of the thread is to bash that man and that is that. We can do that with the first post.
> 
> I am not disagreeing with yout points. Post-PhD, I worked in a sandwich shop and a market trader. My point is we need to see how he sees the situation.


How he sees it is irrelevant. Reality is reality. The OP and the kids are going to stay with a friend. The OP's H will have to make his own arrangements. That a grown man let his family get to this point is utterly ridiculous. Literally, OP's friend is keeping the kids from being homeless because this guy may "see" things differently? Give me a break!

When your spouse racks up $30k in debt over 12 months to cover living expenses because you aren't working, you get a job. That simple. End of. You don't let your family lose their place to live. You don't enroll in school and hope the money fairy pays your and your kids bills. If he wants to better himself or make a career change, great! He can do that while working a job. Any job.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> How he sees it is irrelevant. Reality is reality. The OP and the kids are going to stay with a friend. The OP's H will have to make his own arrangements. That a grown man let his family get to this point is utterly ridiculous. Literally, OP's friend is keeping the kids from being homeless because this guy may "see" things differently? Give me a break!
> 
> When your spouse racks up $30k in debt over 12 months to cover living expenses because you aren't working, you get a job. That simple. End of. You don't let your family lose their place to live. You don't enroll in school and hope the money fairy pays your and your kids bills. If he wants to better himself or make a career change, great! He can do that while working a job. Any job.


I am sure you are not suggesting that you think we can be confident we have a full and realistic picture from one post. Certainly, when I first came on here, I was asked whether my wife could be depressed, whether she was trying to find a job, what were the circumstances were. It is a prudent question, even if it does not fit well with your righteous indignation.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> I am sure you are not suggesting that you think we can be confident we have a full and realistic picture from one post. Certainly, when I first came on here, I was asked whether my wife could be depressed, whether she was trying to find a job, what were the circumstances were. It is a prudent question, even if it does not fit well with your righteous indignation.


If he was actually trying to find a job, he could have had one at McDonalds. Minimum wage per hour while looking for a better gig is more than $0 per hour. 


The OP said her husband didn't work for a year, started classes in January, they're moving to separate friends because they can't afford a roof over their heads and she's got $30k in debt she can't really afford to pay because he didn't financially contribute for that year. When things have gotten that bad, then answer is McDonalds AND Burger King, if you must, but certainly not enrolling as a student. He's a grown adult. He knew the bills were due every month, he knew he wasn't bringing in income, no excuses.


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

When he "decided" that he was not going to work all year, did you agree to this? Have you told him that he needs to find a job and start contributing to the household again? If not, you are just as much at fault for enabling him this entire time. You have been supporting him while he sits around I assume doing nothing all day. It's time to give him an ultimatum; either find a job or you are filing for divorce. There is absolutely no excuse for a perfectly able-bodied grown man not working to contribute financially to the household.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Well we cant pick and chose what part of the Bible we believe and what we don't, but in this case something has to be done, but its not divorce..



Diana7, I do not want to derail the thread (and I mean this to be as respectful of a reply as possible) but historically speaking this certainly is not true. The main reason we have so many denominations of Christianity today such as Catholics, Protestants, Eastern Orthodox, Lutherans, Mormons, Anglicans, Mennonites, Methodists, Baptists, etc. is because at some point over the last 2000 years, some high ranking church or secular leader decided some church rule either shouldn’t apply to them or one needed to be created. When other leaders didn’t agree, a schism occurred and a new denomination within the umbrella of Christianity was formed. King Henry of England himself split from the Pope to create what is now the Anglican Church, primarily because he wanted to get a divorce... Even the Council of Nicea, which created the New Testament canon, was little more than a gathering of church and imperial leaders to decide which Christian texts and morality would be accepted into the Bible and which would be discarded – and this “picking and choosing” occurred almost 300 years after Jesus walked the earth. Obviously no more eye witnesses existed by then to make sure nothing was “added” or “left out” of Jesus’ original teachings... 

I’m not attacking anyone’s faith or desire for religious solace in times of difficulty, but my point is that the Bible is not supposed to be an iron clad set of regulations that must be adhered to without fault regardless of circumstance (The only groups or individuals that have ever made that claim are the same ones who have the most to lose if a status quo ever changes). The Bible was meant to record the word and beliefs of Jesus to guide us to more fulfilled life and afterlife. If the original poster of this thread blindly adheres to the rule that she cannot ever get a divorce, regardless of the circumstance, she might be losing out on the best option for the wellbeing of her and her kids. I have a hard time believing that the Jesus I learned about in Sunday School would want that, regardless of what church dogma says...


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> If he was actually trying to find a job, he could have had one at McDonalds. Minimum wage per hour while looking for a better gig is more than $0 per hour.
> 
> 
> The OP said her husband didn't work for a year, started classes in January, they're moving to separate friends because they can't afford a roof over their heads and she's got $30k in debt she can't really afford to pay because he didn't financially contribute for that year. When things have gotten that bad, then answer is McDonalds AND Burger King, if you must, but certainly not enrolling as a student. He's a grown adult. He knew the bills were due every month, he knew he wasn't bringing in income, no excuses.


I am sure neither of us want to take over the thread. 

I am sorry you took my posts as a justification of him him, I did no actually suggest that. 

We have had a man on here complain that his wife suddenly did not want to have sex with him, not mentioning until much later than he had just put on 100lb. We had a woman complain about her overly fussy husband, when it later found out that he world long hours and come home to find ants crawling in teh house to eat ice-cream melted all over the living room carpet etc. 

I do not know the full story. It certainly seems like he is not pulling his weight and acting as a husband should. It seems like it, but it is useful to wonder why.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> I do not know the full story. It certainly seems like he is not pulling his weight and acting as a husband should. It seems like it, but it is useful to wonder why.


Which is where we differ. There is no "why" that justifies not working for a year and allowing your children to lose their home.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Which is where we differ. There is no "why" that justifies not working for a year and allowing your children to lose their home.


I see the difference.

I am not justifying it, as my interest was not in judging it. In that case, yes, condemn, that is fine. 

That done, we can then understand the cause and whether this can be rectified or whether it is best to give up. That part may or may not be of interest.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> I see the difference.
> 
> I am not justifying it, as my interest was not in judging it. In that case, yes, condemn, that is fine.
> 
> That done, we can then understand the cause and whether this can be rectified or whether it is best to give up. That part may or may not be of interest.


You can play devils advocate all you want.The bottom line is this guy sat on his ass for a year while his wife worked,he ran up thirty grand credit card debt that he has neither the ability or the intention of paying and now he has enrolled in college while his wife and family are living in a friends house,sleeping on her couch.Where I am from he would have got a kick in the ass and told get a job,any job.Live your dream if you want but look after your family first.
This is another example of a man and I use the term loosely,putting his own selfish interests first and to hell with his children and wife.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

FFS.

Look, you are being self-righteous and well done. Enjoy yourselves. 

You are not interested in the least as to what is going on, just in how you feel superior to be and the man of the OP. 

Guess what? That is lazy and complacent.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Machjo said:


> Out of character? Depression? Something else?


Apparently questions are banned.

Especially if they might actually help


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> Apparently questions are banned.
> 
> Especially if they might actually help


You are creating imaginary scenarios to suit whatever justifies his behavior.The idea of these forums is that someone asks for advice and they are given advice based on the information supplied.
Maybe he is depressed,maybe he is ill,maybe he is just a lazy uncaring ass,the point is I don’t know and neither do you so how about sticking to the subject in question and coming down of of your cross.
Playing the victim is not a spectator sport.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

OK. Clearly I was not explicit enough for you all. And, I am sorry to say how I could make it clearer. Please, excuse me that. I will try again.

I am not saying that it is OK for him to not work. I have never done that. My I have been highly qualified and done some filthy jobs regardless. So, I am not saying it is OK for him not two work for two very major reasons:
- It is very selfish
- Selfishness and laziness are bad for the soul.

I am not saying that is OK. It is not OK. 

It is bad that he has gone down that route. I wonder why he went down that route. That might help determine whether the situation is hopeless.

To wonder why is not to excuse it, but to try to understand it. That is, to understand a bad thing.


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## Mrs.Stone (Jan 25, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> What type of jod did he used to have?
> 
> Did he just up and quit?
> 
> ...


My husband is no dummy he has had good jobs we have owned several businesses. He just came home and said he did not want to do his current job and that he was going to look for something eles.

He is a great interviewer good with people and can do anything he sets his no d to, so he had a few jobs lined up but after working one for 3 days he quit another for 3 mo the he quit and then never got another job.

I would leave for work and come home he would be sitting on the couch in his same cloths in the same place he was that morning no food cooked nothing done around the house, he literally just set in front of the T.V. all day this went on for a while.

I told him I can't work all day, cook, clean, take care of our children, laundry and everything eles while watches T.V. all day.

So Then he started getting up and getting dressed and going no where all day.

It is bazaar and strange.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mrs.Stone said:


> However because my current job is a independent contractor job no one will accept my income as income because they request 2 filed tax returns from the same company.


You file taxes, don't you? Your taxes serve as your income. Go to H&R Block and they will help you get your papers in order so you can properly use it.

You can file by yourself. 

As for your whole problem, (1) are you sure he is in school all day every day? I am skeptical. (2) You need to sit down with an accountant for an hour and go over all your bills and income and let them help you figure out a way for you to survive without him. I mean, you already are, but you need to be sure of it. And then you tell him how much money he has to bring in or else move out. I haven't read to the end yet but if he says he wants to stay, it is up to HIM to figure out where that money is coming from. 

You can do this in a loving way. I'm glad he's going to school (if he really is; have you seen the records?) because if he completes it, he COULD be a great supporter of the family. IMO, you need to figure this out - is he just having a midlife crisis and floating around or is he sincerely changing directions so as to help the family?


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## Mrs.Stone (Jan 25, 2018)

runner2000 said:


> When he "decided" that he was not going to work all year, did you agree to this? Have you told him that he needs to find a job and start contributing to the household again? If not, you are just as much at fault for enabling him this entire time. You have been supporting him while he sits around I assume doing nothing all day. It's time to give him an ultimatum; either find a job or you are filing for divorce. There is absolutely no excuse for a perfectly able-bodied grown man not working to contribute financially to the household.


No we did not agree to this. He and I decided before marriage that we both would work even if I just worked part time because child care cam be expensive, but even with the agreement that I could if I wanted to just work part time, I still worked a good full time job so that no extra burden would be on him. I never wanted him to feel like he had a free loading wife but a true partner in business and at home.

You say I am a fault but you are not expecting your husband to all of a sudden not want to work and times flies by when you are working all the time, making sales of your personal stuff the male ends meet.

You look up and wonder where the time has gone and you had no idea WOW it's been over a year now and this man as not done anything for his family.

It does not matter how many times I ask him to get a job, he did not get one and I did not believe he wouldn't. I truly thought he was going through a moment and just was taking some time to figure out how next move to either our plans as a family. 

He took advantage of my trust and confidence in him. That's not enabling him that commitment, love and loyalty.

I can't control if he chooses to take advantage of it.


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## Mrs.Stone (Jan 25, 2018)

turnera said:


> Mrs.Stone said:
> 
> 
> > However because my current job is a independent contractor job no one will accept my income as income because they request 2 filed tax returns from the same company.
> ...


The tax thing is all done I just don't have 2 years of filed tax returns from the 1099 job and here where I live they won't except just one filed tax year from your 1099 job.

It's strange and frustrating you either need 2 back to back years of W-2 income or 2 back to back years of 1099 income. 

I don't really know what he is doing with his future or future career but he is indeed on school full time. 

No if he goes to class each day I can't say but I have seen his working he is working on and projects he has to turn in so O am pretty confident he is actually going to class pretty consistently.


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## Mrs.Stone (Jan 25, 2018)

I understand and appreciate the post placed here.

I am really between a rock and a hard place. 

Your heart wants one thing but your brain says open your eyes fool.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, if he's really going to school, my advice is this:
Set a budget, separate finances so that he is responsible for anything to do with his school or extra stuff. Don't give him access to 'family' money. I worked full time and went to college at night for 15 years. He can handle a 20-hour part-time job to pay for 'his' stuff. The money YOU make goes ONLY to family stuff.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Mrs.Stone said:


> My husband is no dummy he has had good jobs we have owned several businesses. He just came home and said he did not want to do his current job and that he was going to look for something eles.
> 
> He is a great interviewer good with people and can do anything he sets his no d to, so he had a few jobs lined up but after working one for 3 days he quit another for 3 mo the he quit and then never got another job.
> 
> ...


He sounds depressed!

So you have talked to hiabour this?
What does he say when you ask him ? What up hon we need your help as a family can you find a job?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mrs.Stone said:


> * he has had good job*s*
> 
> * we have owned *several* businesses.
> 
> ...


So, really, he has a history of job hopping and instability. 

If you stay married to him you'll need to understand that you'll have to be the primary breadwinner and that you can't count on him to have income or to support the family. Basically, anything he brings in would be seen as a bonus.


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## Mrs.Stone (Jan 25, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> Mrs.Stone said:
> 
> 
> > My husband is no dummy he has had good jobs we have owned several businesses. He just came home and said he did not want to do his current job and that he was going to look for something eles.
> ...



He could have something going he has just started seeing a counselor 2 or 3 weeks ago. However that can only last so long.....thats not free


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Everything was great when you were his girlfriend. Then you said "I do" and he said "I quit". Bait and switch.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

You need to have separate bank account so he cant touch your money. You need to ask your husband why he won't work? What he do everryday? Watch TV at home? He is head of house so he need to go to work to support his family. Would you and he go see counselor? I suggest you not get divorce because he would get alimony from you.


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## LostMama18 (May 28, 2018)

I agree here, especially having recently gone through this. I’m not married and am on my way out of a 6 year long relationship but...

My SO lost his job and I learned that he earned that firing as much as he earned the promotions through the years. Our accounts are all separated except for 2 things, phones and insurances, simply because of bundling features. When he worked he paid rent, utilities, and insurance. I paid phone, my car, groceries and household expenses like food, shampoo, etc. I paid for all of my children’s needs unless he gifted them something or voluntarily picked up or contributed to an expense that would burden me. 

He lost his job. He asked how I felt anoint him taking a set amount of time off. I agreed. When that date came around he asked if I would be ok with one more month. We looked at expenses and income and I agreed to the “off” extension IF he covered the rent for that time period. He agreed. He earned the money for the rent and then some and did not pay the rent. He blew it. All of it. 

He then learned he could earn unemployment wages. I did not agree to him exhausting his benefits but that is what he did. That was the last straw for me. 

But he wasn’t entirely at fault for the end disaster. I ran up debt to cover for him. He didn’t MAKE ME run up debt. I tried to blame him for it but a dear friend reminded me that she warbed it would go this way and instead of me really being firm I just thre a bunch of fits and racked up debt. Shame on me. I should have disconnected his phone, shut the tv expense off and refused to buy dinners out amongst other things. I should have. I did not. I tried to keep up our “lifestyle” and I finished sinking my own boat. 

That’s a hard pill to swallow. I am not in more debt than I have ever been in in my entire life and I only have one child at home now. 

Also, my son, who is freshly out of high school a year ago attends school during the day and he works full time at night. Full time. He has his own apartment. So your spouse can get a job AND go to school. 

There are just no excuses for not working. None that are acceptable. She just had to put her foot down and really mean it. It’s hard. Emotions muddle everything.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Mrs.Stone said:


> My husband decided not to work all year.
> 
> So I worked hard took care of the children paided all the bills and because I have good credit got a credit card, because my income does not cover everything, now I am over my credit limit can't pay it off I owe 30,000.
> 
> ...



Is he a believer too? you know that the order in your household is totally out of order. your Husband is supposed to be the Provider, not you. You sounds like the Provider, Leader and Protector. what is his role? why you taking his place?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It is unfortunate, but there is a bottom-line here. You cannot support your lifestyle on your income alone. The very rapid accumulation of debt over the past year proves that.

Paul the Apostle, in II Thessalonians 3:10-15, instructed those of the church there, that "if any man will not work, he ought not to eat".

Maybe you could put this biblical reference to work in your family.

Your husband should not have made a unilateral decision to not work for a year. If he had a legitimate reason to not work, that would be quite different. Even with a good reason, it is incumbent upon your husband to provide savings which will cover the cost of his year-long sabbaticals, in advance of any decision of this sort which is made by both of you.

You two together can, of course, decide to reduce your lifestyle in order to pay off this debt. 

I may be incorrect about this in the place where you live, but in the state where I live, your husband is just as liable for that credit-card debt as are you, even though the cards may be in your name only. It might be worthwhile to consult an attorney in your area about this. Perhaps there is a knowledgeable person in your church who could help you at no charge.

Matthew 18:15-17 gives a plan for dealing with believers who will not pull their weight in the family. If you tell him alone, and he offers no response (meaning get up and go to work), take it to two witnesses within your church. Hopefully, these witnesses will authoritatively tell him that he has a responsibility and an obligation to support his family.

If he won't hear the witnesses, take it to the church at large. If he remains unconvinced, then I don't think you have any choice but to completely separate your finances from his. Give him nothing. NOTHING. Not food, clean clothes, transportation, NOTHING. Provide only for your children, and yourself, at a budget which can be accommodated by only your income.


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