# Don't know what to do



## ljl

I have been married for 13 years (been together for 20) and have 3 wonderful kids. My husband is a functioning alcoholic who doesn't think he has a problem. I grew up with an alcoholic dad who got sober when I was a senior in high school. I really can't complain about my marriage except the drinking. It's at the point that I think I want to leave. I made an appt to see a counselor next week because I can't seem to figure out how much of my issue is in the here in now and how much baggage I brought to the relationship due to my childhood. I know I can't keep dealing with the drinking. Am I being selfish for expecting perfection in a spouse?


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## Jamison

It might be a good idea to check out your local Alanon groups in your area. One because you're a child of an alcoholic and two, because you're married to one. Being around an alcoholic can be quite damaging to all involved. Most alcoholic don't believe they have a problem. You can't change him or fix him, but you can fix yourself. Whether you plan on staying or leaving your marriage, either way, stay in counseling and check out the Alanon groups if you can.


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## Sara Ann

You are being reasonable. Addicted people become imprisoned in their addiction, emotionally absent. So if you have financial security and are happy with that, great for you. Addicted people make poor companions. Counseling is great. 

12 step is great for support, although I am not a fan. But definitely check out Al Anon and see if there is something there for you. If not, don't feel bad. Everyone has a different amount of self efficacy and choices in how to move forward in life. Don't let 12 steppers tell you theirs is the only way. (That just sounds cultish)


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## HuggyBear

See if there is a smartrecovery group nearby.

Nobody is preaching there. You don't need jesus, you don't need a sponsor. You just go and talk in a group, with a real counselor who has probably had the same problem.

You look at how your Actions effect your Behavior, and their Consequences.

Without negative consequences, there is no problem... you have to make him realize the problems for any help to work.


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## valueadded

I don't think you are expecting perfection. I was in a similiar situation. Two kids and married to a functional alcoholic for over 20 years. It got to the point where there was no emotional support and a lot of verbal abuse at night when he was drinking. It isn't perfection I was looking for it was a partner to do activities together and to share hopes and dreams. It got to the point where I disliked him and became someone that I didn't like. We are still married but hes living away and we are going to counseling. I am going to al anon. Personally it has helped me a lot. It hasn't given him a free pass to drink but it has allowed me to grow into a happy not worried all the time person. Not sure about you but I became very isolated to keep the drinking secret.


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## Marianita

You are not selfish because living with an alcoholic is not good for you and for your children. You know this really good. So the decision to leave is really healthy for you


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