# Do you get depressed on Father's Day?



## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Do any of you get depressed on Father's day due to a lack of recognition, appreciation and/or acknowledgement?

Evidently, based on receiving nothing (no acknowledgement, no card, no present, no special dinner), I'm being told I suck as a father. I'm an excellent ATM, attend games, practices, school events, provide a good home, food, amenities. 

I'm not abusive, but do believe my responsibility is to be their father, not their friend. Which means they don't always get their way or all the latest toys they now seem to EXPECT. Also get no backup from DW when saying no or expecting better grades or better behavior, or to clean their room or pick up after themselves.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, how old are your kids?


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Teenage boys. I believe this is more on DW than them. I take them to get mother's day cards, birthday gifts, etc. She has never really done the same. And its rare that she does it herself. So no card or gift from her either. And if I get a card, it is just that, a card. Not addresses, not signed, no writing. Just a card stuck in an envelope. The only way I know it is from one of them (not sure which), is because there is no postage on it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Given the age of your children I believe the responsibility of recognition is with your W who should take the kids to get you a few things. Getting a card pushed into a envelop unsigned or without anything written is very callus on your DW part.

I often wonder when a rock star, movie star or athlete receiving an award always thanks mom. For some reason, dad does not rank.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

When I was a child I used to be very close to my mum, and always got her gifts/recognised her on mother's day. Never did anything for dad though, our relationship was never strong. He played the same role as you do; "Father not your friend", while mum and I were close. My teenage years was on my own however and having no connection to either parents obviously mother's day and father's day became stuff I forgotten until my daughter came along.

As a result of my childhood I strive to adopt my mum's approach - without the abandonment of course. So far it's working very well. For disciplinary, I've also never said "no" to my daughter, my ex does think I've spoiled her sometimes but I don't think I have as I let her EARN what she wants. She may seem spoiled to outsiders and other kids who are jealous of her but in my heart I feel she deserved it, not just being a good kid but she helps her mum out alot and I always tell her that if she's been bad to mum I'll hear about it and that's enough to make her behave otherwise she'll be robbed of her privileges and entitlement. Simple action/consequence teaching. 

I also do believe your wife is being detrimental to your children's development by not backing you up. Ex-wife told me once that I have to stop 'sheltering' our daughter whenever she tries to discipline her for obvious reasons that I understood. If I didn't listen to ex she would be the "bad guy" and I would be the "good guy" and she would justify her rebellious behavior with mum, and encouraging such behavior is only being detrimental to us both as parents. I call this unintentional childhood poisoning and yes this is what your wife is doing.

I'm not judging other parenting styles, just expressing my opinion based on my experiences both as a child and as a father.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

pb76no said:


> I'm an excellent ATM, attend games, practices, school events, provide a good home, food, amenities.


You also forgot Grill-Master, as was evidenced by the plethora of advertisements brought to my attention by my SO which ran the same theme: "get Dad everything he needs to grill on Father's Day".

Apparently on Father's Day dad is also supposed to cook the family dinner on the grill.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Without knowing more, this really seems to be an example of lack of respect from your wife. Yes, your sons may be old enough as teenagers to do something but really why should they if Mom isn't modeling the behavior? You do that for her. Do you see a lack of respect in other aspects of your relationship? I think most any father would be hurt in this situation so you aren't being overly sensitive.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> I often wonder when a rock star, movie star or athlete receiving an award always thanks mom. For some reason, dad does not rank.


Given the rate of illegitimate births, its probably because the sperm donor wasn't in the picture.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

I know where the problem lies and that I haven't done enough to force that issue. I was just wondering how many other fathers felt the same way.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@pb76no -- If your DW never impressed upon your boys the importance of recognizing father's day, I don't think they would think to do something on their own. My mom was like that--made a stink about mother's day (plus our church always did something special for Mother's Day), so she always got something from us that we made at church, and my dad always got her flowers or something. But she would never reciprocate for Father's Day, and for some reason, we didn't do the same thing at church for Father's Day; it was always just forgotten at our house.

So for years, as an adult, I just forgot about it. I called my dad last night to wish him Happy Father's Day, and he was THRILLED. (I pretty much never talk to my parents on the phone.)

I think that RD might have a point about the unintentional poisoning... my mom did that, because she wanted us to love her more than we did our dad. She did a pretty good job of putting a wedge between us and him--but she ended up pushing me even farther away from her, because I eventually recognized what she was doing. So now she wonders why she has next to no relationship with me, while I'm trying to re-build my relationship with my dad.

What would you LIKE to do for Father's Day? Maybe you can plan something just for you and the boys, something that you want to do. Makes the plans, but don't mention that it's Father's Day--chances are they won't notice--and then you'll get to have the Father's Day that you want. You have the power to create the relationship that you want to have with your sons.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

pb76no said:


> Do any of you get depressed on Father's day due to a lack of recognition, appreciation and/or acknowledgement?


It was depressing to me but for the opposite reason. I got the recognition, appreciation, and acknowledgement from my kids and my WW (STBX). I know it is my last one as a family. Really sucked. I would have rather skipped it. :frown2:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

pb76no said:


> Do any of you get depressed on Father's day due to a lack of recognition, appreciation and/or acknowledgement?


Yes I got depressed, Not for those reasons. I grilled Saturday. It was kind of small and rushed. Had a lot of other things going on. I spent some time with one kid. Got the traditional greeting from the most distant Daughter. 

What put me off was thinking about my Dad. This is the second Fathers day since his death. I think the first was too close and I was too busy. That makes both granfathers, My Father My Father in law, one Uncle and one Grandfather in law. There are still some unresolved feelings. I just don't think I'm going to feel celebratory on Fathers day for a while.
MN


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I just ignore it and focus on the last round of the US Open. 

I never had kids of my own (regrettably), but I did have a stepson that I loved as my own and lost him due to his mother's infidelity. 

As far as my own father is concerned, he was a verbally and mentally abusive alcoholic, so Father's Day in that regard was just a compulsory exercise. There was never any real meaning, feeling or love attached to it. 

It could've been worse, though, so for that I am grateful.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I always made took my kids shopping and led the way for Father's Day. 

Now at 14 and 16, I told them, "Father's Day is in one week and you need to decide what you would like to do for your dad and let me know. I will take you to the store and give you money but you both need to start doing the planning"

I reminded them twice and they did nothing this year for their dad. (I'm divorced). I wished him a happy Father's Day and told my kids that their dad does a lot of great things for them and I was disappointed that they did not step up and make a plan. 

I feel as teens, they can start doing some decision making but I spelled out what they should do and that I would help.

Younger kids, of course mom should lead.

BTW, my husband never celebrated Mother's Day for me but my kids would usually make me a card or make me breakfast. At times I would buy my own gift and wrap it. Got myself some nice stuff: jewelry, an IPAD....., Go treat yourself to something nice, Dad!!

People only get what they will tolerate.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Just a few words of support. Hang in there and keep to the high road. It sounds like you're on the right road (albeit the more difficult one). The kids might or might not come around. Only time will tell but if they do it will be once they've attained some maturity and life experience. I'm guessing your commitment now will pay dividends down the road.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

I think that you have not been treated well from what you have shared, my wife has forgotten or overlooked birthdays and fathers days in the past but it was when we had a house full of toddlers and newborns. Sorry.

How every father really feels about Father?s Day : theCHIVE


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

pb76no said:


> I know where the problem lies and that I haven't done enough to force that issue. I was just wondering how many other fathers felt the same way.


You just have to do what you believe is best for them whether they like it or not and you have to try really hard to know what's right and be willing to modify. The key is to look back and know had their well being at the top of the list and appreciate may or may not come later on.

But life's not simple. I'm guessing this has more to do with you and your wife more than the kids. If your wife isn't backing you up then you end up being the bad guy and your kids won't respect you because what you say gets undermined or overridden. If there's ever a battle to choose; a line to draw; a boundary to enforce; then making sure your kids think mom and dad are a team is it.


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## Dragunov (May 21, 2015)

Yeah, it does. I didn't get anything for father's day, and have not once for the past 10 years (since I became a father). My wife even took off out of town with our daughter for the whole weekend to help her brother finish cleaning and prepping his house to sell (he's in the middle of a divorce). I had to work all weekend otherwise I would have gone too. 

I spent damn near $100 for mother's day on my wife. Plus since Mother's Day happens during the school year, our daughter had some nice creative art projects for her mom too. Not so much for Father's Day. 

I did grab some ribs to smoke on Sunday though. It was nice and quiet. Unfortunately, my ribs took longer to smoke than I intended and the family came home just as they were coming out of the smoker. And ate half of them.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Yes, I get depressed every year. One of the step kids called, but he was just window shopping. My daughter I havent heard a word from for years, my other step kid said nothing. I'm one of those that should have never been a father, I suck at it.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

None of my three kids called, but I didn't expect they would either.

I don't get depressed about it, it is simply the way life goes. They are all grown and now have their own lives, which to them, are more important then calling their parents. Well, at least, calling their father. They probably won't realize the importance of their parents until they are older, and the concept of mortality sinks in.

I saw my parents on Friday, so didn't call my father on Father's Day since I saw him a few days before. I did send him a nice box of cigars, though, for Fathers' Day.

Instead, I spent a nice day with my SO, went to a local sushi place for lunch, and spent most of the afternoon and evening relaxing with a book.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Let's be honest, Father's Day will always take a back seat to Mother's Day in society. Just the way of things I guess but man I am shocked some of you don't hear from your kids on Father's Day. Just unthinkable to me


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

hedrach said:


> A card stuck in an envelope with no writing on it?
> 
> That's worse than no card at all.
> 
> It's like someone giving you the finger rather than ignoring you.


I agree, but its more like leaving a 25 cent tip for a waiter. No card/no tip could just mean they forgot. The other says I know you are there and this is what I think you're worth.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....actually...I find Father's Day incredibly amusing. It's ...apparently okay ...as a father ...to not get a card or gift. (if pushed on the topic ...I'd say the card is more important ...being that some expenditure of thought and time would be involved to secure one).

....god forbid Mother's Day goes by without a mention, a card, flowers, gift ...or dinner reservations made weeks in advance. The whole "woman scorned" scenario will haunt you until the next Mother's Day.

....my son was in a hockey tournament in Toronto ...and he called me first thing that morning....and when he got home the next day, he gave me some choice Cuban stogies. 

....if I had my way ...I'd rather have the entire day forgotten. Leave me alone ...let me sleep .....or do whatever I want (probably sleep ...actually)

.....regarding the "depressed" issue? No ...not depressed ...not one bit.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm not a father, but, if I were, and I happened to wake up to a Father's Day w/ no card, no breakfast, no hugs and kisses, no acknowledgement or recognition of any kind, I think I'd just leave the house for the day and spend the day doing all the things that I wanted to do.

I might also start "forgetting" birthdays, Christmas, etc.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Don't worry about acknowledgement. The important thing is for them to become well adjusted and happy adults some day. It's not about us; it's really not. My oldest son spent time with me on father's day but the other two didn't and that's just fine. They're young men, building relationships, starting careers, living. They have plenty going on.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> I'm not a father, but, if I were, and I happened to wake up to a Father's Day w/ no card, no breakfast, no hugs and kisses, no acknowledgement or recognition of any kind, I think I'd just leave the house for the day and spend the day doing all the things that I wanted to do.


I woke up with my SO. That was all I needed to make the day wonderful.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> Don't worry about acknowledgement. The important thing is for them to become well adjusted and happy adults some day. It's not about us; it's really not. My oldest son spent time with me on father's day but the other two didn't and that's just fine. They're young men, building relationships, starting careers, living. They have plenty going on.





Constable Odo said:


> I woke up with my SO. That was all I needed to make the day wonderful.


To be clear, I was referring to a hypothetical situation more similar to OP's than either of yours (i.e. children still in the house vs. grown children having already moved out).


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

Mine was pretty lame. Kids are 19 & 17, and I’m married, and my father is deceased.

They (kids and wife) cooked up some bacon and made a batch of Pillsbury canned biscuits. I don’t eat biscuits, but overall a nice gesture, I guess.

The kids had made plans with friends and took off shortly after breakfast.

The rest of the day I did yard work. It had rained all week and was supposed the rain for another 4 days after father’s day. Therefore, me and all the dads on my street were out cutting grass. etc. to take advantage of the one day to get this type of thing done before it became unmanageable. 

Lunch consisted of peanut butter and bananas (prepared by myself) and back out to finish the yard work.

Wife made hamburgers and got pre-sliced fruit for dinner. I grilled the hamburgers and all 4 of us had dinner.

I was sweaty and pooped, so after dinner I took a shower. During my shower it must have dawned on them that they hadn’t got me a card and ran out to get one. It was presented to me when I came back downstairs. Then the kids took off to more plans with friends.


Conversely, on Mother’s day I coordinated a large breakfast that we prepared and brought to my wife in bed along with Mother’s day cards and flowers. I had told my kids to make no plans for the day and we were going to do whatever she wanted to do that day. She wanted to go to Church and lunch at a new restaurant afterwards. We then spent the afternoon at an arboretum she wanted to visit. It was a very nice day for all of us. We brought in carryout Chinese food (her choice) for dinner. We then gave her tickets for an upcoming theater show she wanted to see. After that we went to her Mother’s House to visit for the evening. She said it was a wonderful day.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> To be clear, I was referring to a hypothetical situation more similar to OP's than either of yours (i.e. children still in the house vs. grown children having already moved out).


I wasn't addressing your comment specifically Gus. Was just throwing my two cents worth as a dad who doesn't get depressed on fathers day. Some years they make a big deal of it and some years like this one it's just another day.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Got a text from oldest son, and a card from waw, but spent the day alone. Ended up in a dark place, no family around and thinking about all four "father's" I've had. All of which are no longer around, for one reason or another. Wasn't a good day.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Kahlil Gibran said:


> Mine was pretty lame. Kids are 19 & 17, and I’m married, and my father is deceased.
> 
> They (kids and wife) cooked up some bacon and made a batch of Pillsbury canned biscuits. I don’t eat biscuits, but overall a nice gesture, I guess.
> 
> ...


If I were you I wouldn't make another big day out of Mother's Day again for your wife.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> If I were you I wouldn't make another big day out of Mother's Day again for your wife.


That should go over like a turd in a punch bowl


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Lordhavok said:


> That should go over like a turd in a punch bowl


Ohh well. Can't get equality still you start making a demand for it


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ohh well. Can't get equality still you start making a demand for it


Did you bring it up to her? Did you tell her how that made you feel, when you did all this sh!t for her on Mother's Day, and she did nothing for you on Father's Day?

I mean, it seems readily apparent to me, but maybe she doesn't get it?

I'm not being an apologist, but I'm just imagining the fallout if you skip Mother's Day without warning...

Reading all the posts by the unappreciated dads here on TAM makes me sad


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> Did you bring it up to her? Did you tell her how that made you feel, when you did all this sh!t for her on Mother's Day, and she did nothing for you on Father's Day?
> 
> I mean, it seems readily apparent to me, but maybe she doesn't get it?
> 
> ...


Well thankfully I'm not married to my x wife anymore so no need to have the discussion. :smile2: I was in the club that never received anything for Father's Day except maybe a card. If Mother's Day wasn't a show stopper though I heard about it. Was pretty much the Same way when it came to birthdays. I was 37 years old before a woman I was in a relationship with bought me a birthday present. Key was for me to hold a standard and say if this is done for you this will be done for me type thing. Worked out well


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> Yes I got depressed, Not for those reasons. I grilled Saturday. It was kind of small and rushed. Had a lot of other things going on. I spent some time with one kid. Got the traditional greeting from the most distant Daughter.
> 
> What put me off was thinking about my Dad. This is the second Fathers day since his death. I think the first was too close and I was too busy. That makes both granfathers, My Father My Father in law, one Uncle and one Grandfather in law. There are still some unresolved feelings. I just don't think I'm going to feel celebratory on Fathers day for a while.
> MN


I'm so sorry for your loss. I get not feeling very celebratory due to extenuating circumstances. I get a little depressed on Mothers and Fathers Day because my parents weren't really parents and because I miss my departed mawmaw and pawpaw. They were lovely people and the only love I received as a child. Thanks for sharing...I got a little teary eyed reading your post.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Reading all the posts by the unappreciated dads here on TAM makes me sad


Me too. I would have given anything for a good father....I'm in awe when others don't appreciate their father. I am so envious of people with good engaged fathers who are there for them. :crying:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well thankfully I'm not married to my x wife anymore so no need to have the discussion. :smile2: I was in the club that never received anything for Father's Day except maybe a card. If Mother's Day wasn't a show stopper though I heard about it. Was pretty much the Same way when it came to birthdays. I was 37 years old before a woman I was in a relationship with bought me a birthday present. Key was for me to hold a standard and say if this is done for you this will be done for me type thing. Worked out well


D'oh, sorry, did you say that and I just missed it? Or I just don't know your personal story....


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

No worries. I was actually quoting another poster above and that was my advice to him which was to not make a big deal out of Mother's Day if Father's Day isn't going to receive any recognition. But yes in my personal story that was my experience. In no way is it universal because I know several guy friends who have wonderful wives who make a big deal out of Father's Day. 

Now me personally I only think it's a big deal while the kids are small and it shouldn't be up to the spouse to hold a huge celebration for mothers or Father's Day as its really the responsibility of children when they are old enough. That said if you want a big deal for Mother's Day better be doing the same for Father's Day. Want a big deal for Valentine's Day, better pony up for steak and bj day and so on.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

Kitt said:


> Me too. I would have given anything for a good father....I'm in awe when others don't appreciate their father. I am so envious of people with good engaged fathers who are there for them. :crying:


Sadly, its often a learned behavior by watching their Mom. She takes the husband for granted, asks a lot more of him than she gives, etc. and the kids think that’s the way it works.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

I sorta get depressed, more just annoyed. 

My wife does not respect me as a father (or a husband), thus the phony Facebook posts, cards, and acknowledgement this one day of year is obnoxious. So much so that I did ask her the last 2 years to please not make a big production of Fathers Day. The beat down I take the other 364 days a year with regards to how I parent ("you suck as a parent" <-actual quote) overshadows this hallmark holiday. The "fathers day" respect that I observe internally is my daughter's health and development. Her behavior around my wife isn't so great, for which I know exactly the reasons, but her behavior around me is excellent. At this point thats all i can ask for.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I love Father's Day. It's about me and my daughters. I don't recall Womb Day or anything of the sort. 

DD20 is in France on college study abroad and called. DD23 is awaiting the beginning of graduate school and she's at home. She baked us a cheesecake from scratch (hint: not easy) and we wolfed down pizza.

A great day if you ask me.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

At their ages and given that you are divorced, I think you would be better off trying to make somehow happen for Father's Day. I don't see that day as "let's celebrate how great dad is" so much as "let's spend some meaningful time bonding win dad."

When you can look at it like that, you get past all the "shoulds" and instead focus on what really matters. And it won't matter what your ex does - she has no say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

I let my wife off the hook when the kids were young. Father's day started with an early tee time for myself, brother, dad and uncle. After our round I'd head home to grill something and have dessert that the kids baked with mom. All good.

My brother passed away several years ago a week from Fathers day. The next year we golfed but the absence of my brother was screaming all day long. We have not done so since. 

This year, as that anniversary and fathers day approached I was in a bit of a funk. Then my father in law died the day before my brothers date and a week from fathers day. This was not a good year.

I took care of my wife and kids as we grieved the loss of dad/grandpa. No cards, breakfast in bed or even cake this year for me. I'm all right with it all. Being a husband and father to them was more important.

I'll look forward to next years cake.

~ Passio


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## Pianoguy (Jan 12, 2015)

I recall my first father's day after the separation & subsequent divorce ... Background: married for 32 yrs; wife left me; 3 adult children all married & now they have kids. I was bummed the first couple of FD's as no cards or phone calls. I attribute it to the boys as needing to come to terms with what happened. Over the last few years its been easier for a couple of reasons. 1) Their generation doesn't send cards ... let alone gifts. With them each having their own family I take joy in their marriages 2) Rather than get down on myself for my own expectations of what I want them to do, I've sent father's day cards to them ... it's a small thing, but I do my best to be aware of what's happening in their lives. That's how I'm approaching it now


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Pianoguy said:


> I recall my first father's day after the separation & subsequent divorce ... Background: married for 32 yrs; wife left me; 3 adult children all married & now they have kids. I was bummed the first couple of FD's as no cards or phone calls. I attribute it to the boys as needing to come to terms with what happened. Over the last few years its been easier for a couple of reasons. 1) *Their generation doesn't send cards *... let alone gifts. With them each having their own family I take joy in their marriages 2) Rather than get down on myself for my own expectations of what I want them to do, I've sent father's day cards to them ... it's a small thing, but I do my best to be aware of what's happening in their lives. That's how I'm approaching it now


Just curious what age are these kids? I'm 40 my brother 36. We send cards and presents every Father's Day and Mother's Day


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