# Need HELP BAD! please



## kevin0216 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hello everyone,

My wife and i have been married for 3 years and have a 3 year old daughter. My wife has chronic migraines which prevent her from doing anything and sleeps most of the day. Which leaves me to do all the cleaning,laundry,dinner,feed animals,give my daughter a bath and tuck her in at night. I also get my wife a drink or meds if she wants. She also has depression issues as well and is on a bunch of meds to help her with all of this. Over the 3 years i have caught her numerous times talking and sending pictures to other guys and every time i catch her she swears to never do it again. She was going almost every night with her best friend and would sleep over there and not come home til the next morning when i had to go to work. She says she does this to deal with her issues. While she is out i am home taking care of our daughter and trying to do the best i can. Recently over the summer she wanted to split up which we ended up doing and she had a short relationship with someone i knew for a very long time. Again i was home with my daughter taking care of her. She slept with him, got pregnant and had an abortion. She told me after all that she wanted to be a family and she only wanted me in her life. I took her back hoping she finally changed. Well she did for a little while but now her migraines have gotten worse and her depression is getting bad again. The migraines get so bad that we have to go to the ER for pain relief. I go with her every time just to be by her side. She is out of work for now and has been going out almost every night. I have been trying to be a supportive husband and give her space but its not easy at all. Today we just got into a large argument because she wanted me to stay home from work because she was lonely and needed me with her. But i had to go to work and i told her that. My job is more of a career and i need to be there as much as possible meaning not calling out. I work my 7-3 and go home to spend time with my family. Now she states she does not want to deal with the marriage anymore. I have tried to get her to want to see someone to help us and she will not try anything. Please help with any advise because it seems like a divorce or separation is in the near future.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Your wife needs help with her depression issues.

I do find it a bit strange that when she's home, she needs to sleep all the time because of the migranes but that she's healty enough to go to her friend's house all the time.

She has a history of affairs and yet you let her stay out overnight? Is it possible that either she's not staying with her friend or she's hooking up with someone at her friend's house?

You may be better off ending this. from the sound of it, you've been a single parent for some time now anyway


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You dont seem to be getting ANYTHING useful out of this marriage! You are functioning as a single-parent to your 3 year old daughter. Although your wife seems to be suffering from her migraines and depression, you are ALSO suffering.

She has cheated on you repeatedly. The pictures sent to other men are cheating. The physical affair/pregnancy/abortion are cheating. She still disappears overnight. Is she having more affairs? Does it really MATTER at this point?

What kind of life is this for you? What kind of life is this for your daughter? What is she currently witnessing/going to witness in the future? What messages are you and your wife giving her about how to be an adult or a married person?

Does your wife have serious problems? Absolutely! But YOU'RE not going to be able to fix them!

Get a GOOD attorney, take your daughter with you (God knows who your wife is going to get involved with in the future...will your very young daughter be safe?), and start a new, normal life, PLEASE. For the sake of you and your daughter, GET OUT NOW.

When you are out of this mess, get yourself some IC and see if your daughter needs counseling as well.

You CAN do this, and you should. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Let us know how you're doing and come here to vent/seek advice if you need. (You might also benefit from the Living with Infidelity section of this site.)

*hugs*


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

BTW, have you had yourself tested to insure you don't have any STDs from your wife's affair/s?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You wife sits around all day and goes out everynight. Have you ever had her followed? Plant a VAR in her car, I bet you'll have a different out look when you hear her talk about you to her boy friend. 
This is no way to live!


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## kevin0216 (Apr 16, 2012)

First off, thank you everyone for the replies! It definitely helped to hear someone elses views which were pretty much what i thought. When the affair stuff was over with i told her this is it, the last chance. I did not want to be a controlling husband and tell her not to go out or whatever because she is the type of person that if you tell them no, they go out and do it just because you said no. Anything is possible and she could be going behind my back again and it really hurts that someone could do that to someone else. I am 100% against cheating, I want to be able to trust my partner while they go out and have fun. I have not gotten tested yet which I know I should and shouldn't wait. I have seen a lawyer in the past and know full custody especially for the dad is very hard to get. I also think it is BS that she is healthy enough to go out but not healthy enough when she is home with us. It is extremely hard to deal with and when my daughter watches my wife pull out of the driveway from the window it puts me in tears. How could someone do this....


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Kevin,
First of all I am so sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this. My STBX also suffers from depression and when its bad it is horrible. But it doesn't excuse some of the horrible things he has done. If you want it to get better then you must take action. If you want the marriage, then insist on counseling/treatment. If she refuses then you take her to court.
You have been the primary caregiver which is what counts for so much in the courts. That is why women traditionally get custody, because in most families the mother is the primary caregiver. If you sue for divorce on the grounds of adultery (depending on your jurisdiction) your wife will be charged with fault in ending the marriage which will also help. Document everything.
The big difference between the two of you is that you are caring for your daughter and you, and she is caring only for herself. We all deserve better. Stay strong.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Kevin:

It's a new day (literally). Just for TODAY, quit trying to figure out how your wife could do this. She's selfish and she's sick (although she's only suffering depression/migraines during the day when there's work to be done; at night she's partying and cheating w/o migraines, without depression, and apparently without guilt!)

Just for TODAY, think about YOU and your daughter ONLY.

1.) Make an appointment TODAY (you don't have to GO today, but you DO have to take that step of appointment-setting) to have yourself tested for STDs. (Can't take care of your daughter if you don't take care of yourself.)

2.) In your spare time today/tonight, begin a list of ALL the things you do for your daughter...and how often. Tuck her in bed, give her a bath, make her dinner, make lunch, make breakfast, get her dressed, brush her hair, take her to park, play a game with her, read to her, teach her something (be specific), etc. This list will help you prove to a judge that YOU are the primary caretaker of your daughter (it may take a while to amass an appropriate list).

3.) Write down details (as best you remember) about when, how often your wife was emailing photos to other men (was she in a bikini, same guy get multiple pix?) Again, it may take a while to come up with info. If you have anything concrete (printouts), attach copies of them and find somewhere safe to keep them. (Maybe a trusted friend she HASN'T slept with, maybe a safety deposit box...not at work, though.)

4.) Do the same with the affair/pregnancy/abortion. You should be able to get info. from the insurance company if YOUR insurance paid for these visits. Write down as much as you can remember, gather what concrete evidence you can.

5.) What has your lawyer recommended about separating physically? For it? Against it? Wait until you can snoop through the computer and her phone? 

As long as each WEEK you are making progress; real concrete steps that will disentangle you and your daughter from this sham of a marriage. Don't expect to make progress (mental, emotional, whatever) every day....too unrealistic. Some days you will feel like cr*p! That's okay. That's why we're here.

If you need to vent, if you need to celebrate, if you need to cry....come here to TAM and someone will give you an ear. We WILL hear what you say. Sometimes we'll cheer/applaud you, sometimes we'll give you a kick in the azz, sometimes we'll hit you upside the head with Bandit's proverbial 2x4. But you know it's because we care. We've not all been in your shoes, but we've all been in similar ones.

Now, get up! Plan at least 2 constructive things that you will do THIS WEEK towards providing a better life for you and your daughter.


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