# Can't forget 20 yrs. as family doormat, need to get out NOW!



## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

Just hear me out! It has been 18 yrs of pretending to be what I'm not to keep my family together. I married someone from another culture, language, religion, etc. He gave me the feeling that he would be willing to merge the American culture with his but from our engagement on, he has dismissed my needs and moved relatives temporarily into our home, insisted that his kids be his religion, stop helping around the house and I have swallowed it all for almost TWO DECADES! I am now on anti-depressants, overweight and have been depressed for soooo long. His family has no boundaries and no respect for American customs (like call before coming over, not moving people in unnanounced, etc.) I don't know the last time I have not had one of his family's customs shoved down my throat. He in the past few years has stopped being so pushy (when I threatened to leave before) but I have given up so many years of being me that my kids are closer to his family and my relationship with them has suffered. He is not a horrible person- just terribly narcissistic! I NOW HAVE GOD in my life and this new relationship has given me a backbone and pulled me out of depression. I look at my hubby and I am repulsed at what has all gone on for so long. I want a trial separation! My husband is angry and trying to make me feel guilty for having a spine now. Unfortunately (for him) I am happiest without him. How do I shed the guilt? And am I asking for too much to get some space from my past by separating?? What would you do ladies?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You have the right to your own opinions, needs, desires, preferences, religion, parenting style, culture, etc. There is no debating if you are right or wrong on these issues, they are simply how you think and feel. 

There is the age old debate on when it is best to stay in a marriage for the kids vs best to divorce. Aside from the kids, I see no moral imperative that a person remain married when there is no good-faith compromising going on in the marriage.

Why do a separation first? Why not go straight to a divorce?

(I'm a man btw)


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

Thor said:


> You have the right to your own opinions, needs, desires, preferences, religion, parenting style, culture, etc. There is no debating if you are right or wrong on these issues, they are simply how you think and feel.
> 
> There is the age old debate on when it is best to stay in a marriage for the kids vs best to divorce. Aside from the kids, I see no moral imperative that a person remain married when there is no good-faith compromising going on in the marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks Thor, you are spot on with your question of going straight to a divorce. I guess I am afraid to make such a big jump all at once. I get anxiety just thinking of it mainly b/c of financial reasons. Even though separation can be expensive too (extra household to maintain) I guess it is a safety net. I know that I am ready to live my life (no doubt about that).


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Are we talking Muslim here?

Just wondering because a friend of mine went through something VERY VERY similar. Scary what she went through. She is an American woman, he is from Jordan. Promised her a mesh of cultures but when the kids came, it was his way...ONLY.

They divorced after 22 years of marriage and while she misses him and the marriage, she was happy to get out of that situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you work outside the home? Do you have job skills, a college degree, etc? How will you support yourself after a divorce and/or in a separation?

I'm not meaning to beat-up on you here but this is is a serious point. You have to take responsibility for your part of the things that went wrong in the past. Yes it does sound like your husband is self-centered, but you allowed it by not being assertive. It’s a bit unfair of you for not punishing him for what you allowed in the past.
He is now trying his old tactics to get you back under control. You helped to create the current situation and are now the one trying to change them. Perhaps you need to tell him over and over, with your newly assertive stance, that you have changed and he is either welcome to come along with you in peace or you will get a divorce. 

I support you in your new outlook and change in behaviors. You do deserve to have equal say in your marriage and your home. If you need to divorce then do it. But if you still need your husband to support you while you gain independence financially… it’s unfair of you to use him just for finances. If you have to stay for finances then ethically/morally you have to give him the chance to change and you need to give the marriage a chance to be rebuilt.


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

thankfulone said:


> Just hear me out! It has been 18 yrs of pretending to be what I'm not to keep my family together. I married someone from another culture, language, religion, etc. He gave me the feeling that he would be willing to merge the American culture with his but from our engagement on, he has dismissed my needs and moved relatives temporarily into our home, insisted that his kids be his religion, stop helping around the house and I have swallowed it all for almost TWO DECADES! I am now on anti-depressants, overweight and have been depressed for soooo long. His family has no boundaries and no respect for American customs (like call before coming over, not moving people in unnanounced, etc.) I don't know the last time I have not had one of his family's customs shoved down my throat. He in the past few years has stopped being so pushy (when I threatened to leave before) but I have given up so many years of being me that my kids are closer to his family and my relationship with them has suffered. He is not a horrible person- just terribly narcissistic! I NOW HAVE GOD in my life and this new relationship has given me a backbone and pulled me out of depression. I look at my hubby and I am repulsed at what has all gone on for so long. I want a trial separation! My husband is angry and trying to make me feel guilty for having a spine now. Unfortunately (for him) I am happiest without him. How do I shed the guilt? And am I asking for too much to get some space from my past by separating?? What would you do ladies?


Hi thankfulone

I hope you can find the strength to make the steps to a better life for yourself... I know how emotionally and mentally draining this can be but you will have the peace and quiet that you crave.
I have had my own place now for 8months and coming back after a few hours with the BPD H I breathe a sigh of relief everytime I close the door behind me.


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Are we talking Muslim here?
> 
> Just wondering because a friend of mine went through something VERY VERY similar. Scary what she went through. She is an American woman, he is from Jordan. Promised her a mesh of cultures but when the kids came, it was his way...ONLY.
> 
> They divorced after 22 years of marriage and while she misses him and the marriage, she was happy to get out of that situation.


No, he is from another overbearing culture where they think that everything they do, say, eat, drink, etc. is better than the American way. The pride from this country is STRONG! Of course, I say, why did u come here to this country if you have so many problems with how we do things? Anyway, I WOULD LOVE to hear more about your friend and how she broke away after 22 years! There is a sort of Stockholm Syndrome that occurs when you have been in such surroundings for so long. As bad as you feel inside, it is hard to break away. If you feel more comfortable PM'ing me I would understand. But maybe I can get some tips on how your friend moved on!


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Do you work outside the home? Do you have job skills, a college degree, etc? How will you support yourself after a divorce and/or in a separation?
> 
> I'm not meaning to beat-up on you here but this is is a serious point. You have to take responsibility for your part of the things that went wrong in the past. Yes it does sound like your husband is self-centered, but you allowed it by not being assertive. It’s a bit unfair of you for not punishing him for what you allowed in the past.
> He is now trying his old tactics to get you back under control. You helped to create the current situation and are now the one trying to change them. Perhaps you need to tell him over and over, with your newly assertive stance, that you have changed and he is either welcome to come along with you in peace or you will get a divorce.
> ...


I have a graduate degree and work outside of the home. Unfortunately my field pays nothing (education) and my state is one of the most expensive to live in. When the stress of the marriage became overwhelming, my body finally gave in after horrible backaches, skin breakouts, etc. and I started with panic/anxiety disorders and eventually lost a job that I had as I couldn't make it to work.

To make a long story short, I am in a better place now and am back full-time but it has been too many years of our marriage being this way and me trying to get us to do counseling and to get him to cool his anger and criticisms. Yes, when I needed us to get counseling MANY YEARS ago, he could give two s*&ts so I went into it for myself. I am just as angry at myself for being a doormat (being beat and intimidated regularly thru-out my entire childhood if I dared voice my opinion didn't help me in my older years btw) as I am at him for taking advantage of it. But mostly, it is the depression that came from not standing up for my customs, spirituality, etc. that has me feeling like I am sleeping with the enemy. I associate him with past, present and future oppression.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Separate to gather your strength and figure out what you want for yourself. Try going to counseling to see if he might be able to understand what he is doing to you and whether he might be willing to change. It is possibly that he is just thick-headed and foolish enough not to understand that his way isn't the only way. Maybe he just needs a serious wake-up call! After so many years, why not just try counseling (with separation) to see if this is fixable or not? That way, if you decide that it isn't, you won't allow yourself to walk into a new relationship with old baggage. Of course, if you're certain that you want out of this marriage, go for IC instead of MC.


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

moxy said:


> Separate to gather your strength and figure out what you want for yourself. Try going to counseling to see if he might be able to understand what he is doing to you and whether he might be willing to change. It is possibly that he is just thick-headed and foolish enough not to understand that his way isn't the only way. Maybe he just needs a serious wake-up call! After so many years, why not just try counseling (with separation) to see if this is fixable or not? That way, if you decide that it isn't, you won't allow yourself to walk into a new relationship with old baggage. Of course, if you're certain that you want out of this marriage, go for IC instead of MC.


Thanks Moxy. You make a lot of sense. Maybe there is a second chapter (or book) to this relationship. But it ABSOLUTELY won't happen unless there is a clean break from the status quo. An intermission of sorts. After I have stretched and breathed a little would I be willing to entertain counseling- possibly....maybe....


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