# Am I an unappreciative person or my husband is unreasonable?



## Feel (Aug 19, 2011)

I am not sure how to feel about this so I want to get other perspective and see how other people feel about this. I am married to my husband for 4 years now. Things are not going as smooth as we wanted. I have 2 kids (24 and 19 and they still live with us for various reasons). 

I have been without a job for almost 1½ years. 4 moths ago I had a surgery and I am still recovering. A week ago I got a part time job which can lead to full time.

My husband who is not the father to my kids has been paying the rent, bills etc. My kids have been full time students and had/have some part time jobs too.

Since we got married I took over all the house work/administrative work/cooking/running errands etc. I did all these things cuz I didn’t make much money and most of the time I was working part time so I had and have the time to take care of everything. I thought that was fair and he was/is working full time job.

I noticed lately that he is bossing me around too much, not to mention he occasionally throws the fact that he is paying for everything on my face. It is getting annoying and feel like I have no dignity left and I just have to take his nasty comments once in a while.

Last night he was telling me what to do about a gift sending to a friend who is getting married. Like a boss who dictates to a secretary (my current job is like that, I am boss around all day long). 

I told him in a way as if I was joking but still get the message to him… I told him you are my boss and dictated me my duties. He said we can change that… when you make as much as money as I do, I’ll retire. 

WTH I thought!!! As if because he makes more money than I do he has the right to boss me around. 

I understand and I do really appreciate the fact that he has been paying for everything, but I also have been working on all the other matters…insurance, irs, doctors, etc. Also it is not because I didn’t wanted to work before but I had so much else to do and plus this economy and my circumstances (I don’t wanna get in to that cuz it’s complicated). However I do admit (my husband also knows) that I did lack of interest and motivation from times to times.

Do I have the right to be offended by his comments?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Maybe your husband doesn't like being the breadwinner/sole provider for the household. After all thats not how it was when he met you, nor how it was for the first couple years of marriage. Some guys prefer that their wife works as well to take the pressure off of them financially.

Have you ever asked him how he felt about you being home?


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## Feel (Aug 19, 2011)

He never liked it, neither did I but it's not because I didn't want to work. He wants me to provide for the family of course, so do I! What is he trying to achieve by being nasty anyway!! Now I want to make some money and provide to my family just to be able to say FU and stop making me your B or I am out!!! I feel resentment and I am unhappy. 

And if he is so damn unhappy about it, why he is not asking for divorce? He just gives me ultimatum after another one and I feel like the clock is ticking. It makes it much harder and I feel so frustrated and pressured. 

I see his side but being nasty is not the way to deal with this. Plus I am not useless and I do lots of things for our family.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

It's hard to judge whether your husband is really being bossy or not based on that little example you provided.

You jokingly said something to him and he basically answered back (very normal answer in a relaxed environment).

I do sense that your husband resents your lack of motivation and perceives it as laziness or lack of appreciation. 

Have you communicated your full appreciation of him? Does he know you actually care about the fact that he provides what you spend? Most people become lazy in communicating their positive feelings. I'm sure you and your husband have gotten lazy as well. 

In any case, if you feel violated by his tone, you MUST let him know. There's no need to fight or raise voices. Just tell him to tone it down in a kind voice. Kindness always produces better results than anger.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> And if he is so damn unhappy about it, why he is not asking for divorce?


Is that your first answer to being unhappy? Come on. Divorce over this?!!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> And if he is so damn unhappy about it, why he is not asking for divorce? He just gives me ultimatum after another one and I feel like the clock is ticking. It makes it much harder and I feel so frustrated and pressured.


Obviously neither of you are handling your current situation very well and you both sound resentful... him of you not working, and you of him being so nasty toward you over it. Being resentful isn't solving the issue.

You need to talk to him calmly and rationally about your financial situation and ask him what suggestions he has to help things get better. Getting angry and blowing up isn't productive.

And no more off color jokes about the master and servant dynamic. I think thats fueling the negativity here.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think your leaving stuff out that could help explain what's going on. Your full of excuses regarding your employment situation and brush over the reasons why your adult children are still living at home. 

"I didn’t wanted to work before but I had so much else to do and plus this economy and my circumstances (I don’t wanna get in to that cuz it’s complicated)." What's so complicated? The truth?

If your husband is financially taking care of your whole family now and doesn't think its what he signed up for he may become very resentful and eventually disrespectful. How is the relationship doing between your husband and your kids? Does he treat them respectfully?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Enginerd said:


> I think your leaving stuff out that could help explain what's going on. Your full of excuses regarding your employment situation and brush over the reasons why your adult children are still living at home.
> 
> "I didn’t wanted to work before but I had so much else to do and plus this economy and my circumstances (I don’t wanna get in to that cuz it’s complicated)." What's so complicated? The truth?
> 
> If your husband is financially taking care of your whole family now and doesn't think its what he signed up for he may become very resentful and eventually disrespectful. How is the relationship doing between your husband and your kids? Does he treat them respectfully?


I agree. What is current status of adult children? 
Students? Working? Contributing to household?
Lots of details left out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow! What your husband is doing is wrong, actually it's to the point of being verbally abusive.

I do not work. I haven't in 11 years. 3.5 years ago I broke my neck, which led me to be disabled in pain 24/7. It's not an easy life to live, but I have a VERY supportive husband.

He would never disrespect me in that way. He actually puts a lot of effort into our marriage! He makes sure he puts my needs before his own and that I'm feeling okay.

Your husband is disrespecting you. To the point where he's being mean. My husband works 2 part time jobs with his full time job to make ends meet. He's very happy to do this. 

I do my best at home. I do appreciate everything he does and I let him know.

Good luck. I hope your husband realizes how he's hurting you and changes his attitude.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Him supporting you and your adult age children is causing quite a bit of resentment and honestly I can relate to his point of view.

It`s not right he`s getting nasty with you but I`m betting he`s beginning to feel trapped and used and is building serious resentment.

It won`t be long before he begins to realize he can indeed chew his arm off and escape.
If something doesn`t change he will do just that.

If you don`t show appreciation for his support it`ll happen faster than if you do but either way it`s going to happen.

Somethings going to give.




Feel said:


> And if he is so damn unhappy about it, why he is not asking for divorce?



Oh he will eventually, trust me on that one.


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## Feel (Aug 19, 2011)

I never said I was unappreciative. I do appreciate him and I do let him know that I am. He is diabetic and I take care of him the best I can by cooking meals that are appropriate for him to eat. Never feed him anything he is not supposed to have. 

Doing his laundry, picking up his meds, you name it I do it. He never touches the vacuum cleaner or do the dishes etc. I never ask him to do anything, cuz it would be unfair and I understand that. 

Basically I am his maid/wife. I don’t mind because I consider that being my part to provide for our family. But I don’t throw that on his face time to time. Actually I never did. As if making money gives auto right to be in power and boss other around! Cuz I am doing the unpaid work that dose need to be done.

My kids have disabilities and he knew that before we got married and I do as well have a disability too that makes employment very limited. None of my kids drive because of there disability. That makes me the only driver and I have to drive them to school, work, shopping etc. Both work and go to school part time. They pay for their cell phones, food, close and personal items like shampoo, hair spray etc. 

My husband is paying rent and utilities and some for groceries. Please don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate what he dose for the whole family. He knows that.

All I am unhappy about is his way of saying things in a nasty way and he dose that pretty often. Another example is my 19 year old daughter bought a pair of bra with lots of padding (girls!!!) 

My husband was so quite one night we went out and I ask if something was wrong and he said no, why? I said cuz he was quite then he said ok I talk …how about you tell me who paid for your daughter’s boob job?

Seriously!! What kind of question is that? It’s just a bra! 

I felt double offended. First he is accusing me to steal from him and pay for her “boob job” then that I stepped over my principles and let her to have a boob job (he know how I feel about this kind of surgeries). 

What is wrong with just asking… did your daughter get a boob job? Something less offensive I mean. He doesn’t need to be nasty, dose he? 

It is not like I am lazy and don’t wanna work. I have a bachelor in computer science and I have been working as a house cleaner and maid for 2 years. I never complained about it. 

I understand he did not sign up for that, but **** happens. Who signed up for taking care of a disabled person who can’t even take a shower, but people get in to accidents and break their neck. People get cancer and need attention. NO ONE signed up for that but it happens. Not fair but it dose happen, getting nasty is not solving anything.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> All I am unhappy about is his way of saying things in a nasty way and he dose that pretty often.


So what does he say when you call him on it? DO you call him on it when it happens or are you just stewing over it time and time again?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Give him enthusiastic sex. He'll stop complaining.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I do appreciate what he dose for the whole family. He knows that.


I don't think he does. Someone who feels appreciated has no reason to be resentful. 

This is such a simple issue. You said you have a Computer Science degree. 

The question is do you want to work or not? 

1) If you do, then get a job and make your husband understand that you are going to be getting a job *SOON*. It's not that hard to get a job in that field. Trust me, I'm in the same field and I understand the challenges involved in getting the *ideal position* but getting a half decent position does not take 2 years. 

2) If you don't want to work, then make sure your husband knows that this is going to be long-term (forever possibly). He has the right to know what's going on in your head.

You still haven't answered whether your husband is supporting your adult children.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Feel said:


> And if he is so damn unhappy about it, why he is not asking for divorce?


I'm not saying it's right, but finances might play a role here too:

1) He does not want to lose half of everything he has now in a divorce settlement.

2) He does not want to pay you alimony for an extended period of time. It sounds like a long-term marriage and you mention circumstances that prevent you from readily finding a better job.

If you really want to see where he's at with the marriage (esp. if you are fed up with his behavior), suggest that it is not working and offer to divorce him and forego alimony. If you take the threat of severe financial harm away from him you might go a long ways towards him evaluating the marriage on it's merits.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> I agree. What is current status of adult children?
> Students? Working? Contributing to household?
> Lots of details left out.


:iagree:

"Circumstances" are too vague to assess merits. It's highly likely that your husband feels he is the only financial contributor to a household of four adults (including two children not his). He wonders why he works so hard just to see it all evaporate.

I know I was very angry when my wife (who did work) acted like she did not have to provide financially for the family (she felt it was my job as the man). The essential dynamic was that she worked for shopping and dining money (thousands of $ per month) and lived a far nicer life than me.

I'm curious how the situation with your kids is. Who pays for their schooling? Do they help around the house physically and/or financially? Did the father of these kids contribute / is he still contributing financially?

What does the future hold? Assuming you genuinely cannot get a halfway-decent job now, how do you plan to change that? When do your kids plan to become financially independent (assuming their disabilities ever allow this to happen)?

I think the ultimate solution is (1) your husband needs to take a respectful conversational tone, and (2) everyone needs to contribute financially (commensurate with ability) to the common expenses. Even if it's not much, regular contributions will show that you at least care about what happens.

For something like this, actions can speak louder than words. In your case, you have a degree and have a job as a housekeeper (which has it's own physical and mental demands) so I don't think innate ability is the problem. Your kids can afford entertainment, cell phones, clothes, etc. so there is substantial money being spent on entertainment. How much are you guys actually giving back to him?


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