# Do ultimatums work?



## jaimalame (Sep 22, 2010)

I gave my husband an ultimatum tonight, I told him I want nothing to do with him unless he decides he wants to come home or at least try to work things out with me. He will be gone 7 weeks on Wednesday. We have a 5 month old son as well. He still says he is not coming back but I only told him this tonight. I have tried everything else possible and I am now leaving it to him to change his mind.. I am done trying to get him to want to come home, if he wants to keep his family n not lose us then he needs to decide that on his own! So I hope cutting him off will make him realize that he may be losing us as were not sitting around waiting for him anymore and were moving on... Ideas?


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

I think ultimatums do not normally work. My wife gave me an ultimatum to go to florida with her or she will go without me. She left me last week after 19 years together. Just my opinion, but unless you can say you honestly did everything that you could and you have no emotional baggage about your marriage, then you can give him an ultimatum.

Good luck to you and I hope all works out well for you.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

I don't blame you. My wife has only been gone for about a month and 2 weeks but I can definitely see myself giving some type of ultimatum eventually. Before my wife signs another 6 month lease I will likely have to sit down and talk to her. I'll let her know that I love her and want her to come home. I will let her know that she is always welcome to come home. If she chooses to sign another lease, I will have to really try to move on. I dread that moment and really don't know if I will go through with it.


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

They do not work. Most people will respond negatively to an ultimatum and 99% of the time you'll get exactly the opposite of what you want ... at least thats been my observation throughout life. I've been given a couple in my life and i felt like the other person was trying to push me into a corner ... I responded by clawing my way out of said corner
I do sympathize with you as a new mom too. My baby was only a month older than yours when my husband and i split. I know how much you want to keep your family together for your little one ... because all parents want their kids to have the happiest life. But you need to try to talk to him without an ultimatum. Otherwise he'll likely pull back more ...


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## 2010Walkaway (Aug 3, 2010)

Good question - I too suspect that they don't.

Thing is though, what do you do instead. e.g. if someone is tempted to give an ultimatum "do x y z or I will leave", should they instead just keep quiet and leave. :scratchhead: If this is not the thing to do, then do they just keep on enduring the unsatistory state of affairs.

In a nutshell, what are the alternatives to giving an ultimatum?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

jaimalame said:


> I gave my husband an ultimatum tonight, I told him I want nothing to do with him unless he decides he wants to come home or at least try to work things out with me. He will be gone 7 weeks on Wednesday. We have a 5 month old son as well. He still says he is not coming back but I only told him this tonight. I have tried everything else possible and I am now leaving it to him to change his mind.. I am done trying to get him to want to come home, if he wants to keep his family n not lose us then he needs to decide that on his own! So I hope cutting him off will make him realize that he may be losing us as were not sitting around waiting for him anymore and were moving on... Ideas?


Why did he leave?


Bob


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

Maybe its the manner in which it is presented? Ultimatums sound harsh usually. "Do this or this negative thing will happen". It sounds like a threat. You could say the same thing in a different way. If, for instance, the guy is leaving you hanging about whether you two are going to try and fix things or not then you should talk about it. You can do it by suggesting therapy as a couple or just saying "how can we fix this?". Either he'll step up and say it can't be fixed or he'll offer a suggestion about moving forward. If he says he needs more time apart though, then suggest a date when you two can get together again and decide whether to make a go of it. 
Also, whether you two decide to try and reconcile or not you should write up a separation agreement about custody and child support. In Canada you can do your own and then file it with the courts. there are forms on-line and you do not need to go to court if you to can come to an agreement on your own ...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ultimatums never worked for me. either i was bluffing and my H ignored it, or my h did what i wanted long enough to pacify me and then goes right back to doing what he wanted. And even if he does do it after an ultimatum, its not genuine and so i feel like i made him love me. i think you have to let them know what you are going to do because of how they are acting, but dont pose it as an ultimatum. just tell him he hasnt been home in seven weeks and so you're moving on. let him decide how to respond.


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