# Being protective and caring when your W is vulnerable



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Just recuperating at home from a small surgery. It has been planned for a few weeks. 

H has been helpfull. Took me to hospital and picked me up after. Ran kids about after school and took them to a relatives to be looked after. Made food. Did some chores I would usually do.

I am in bed. Feeling groggy and cloudy headed from the anesthesia and lots of meds. H came up and sat with me. We chatted. I asked in a girly way "do you feel all protective of me when I am ill? When I am all vulnerable?"

He looked at me and said... "no, not really."

I interpret this in one of two ways. One, he thinks I am "strong" and manages well without him needing to "protect" me.

Two, he is not that interested in caring for me emotionally. Practically = easy to do, visual results. Emotionally = it is "just" a surgery, you'll be fine.

I cannot play on this to allude to wanting him to be my hero because he'll just tell me I am needy.

Nevermind...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yeah, but you set him up. You had a particular answer in mind, and when he didn't give it, you got offended.

That's manipulative. I'm not accusing, I'm just telling you I know because I used to do that all the time.

Sounds like he is being very supportive and protective in all the ways he knows how.

Tell him he's been a real hero through all this, and don't worry about what he says. That's my suggestion.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I see what you mean. I guess I was looking for him to verbalize stuff. I have told him repeatedly that I *need* ti be told how he feels.

He is good at the acts of service. I appreciate him doing these things. I guess in an indirect way I am asking for him to SAY he feels protective and caring of me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I do understand that need. And he may never 

Sucks. I know.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I *would* like him to verbalize things. I do not want to seem unappreciative of what he has done as I am VERY appreciative. The disconnect comes about because I know there are thoughts and feelings in his head that I want to hear. He thinks just thinking these things are enough. Or he shows caring through these acts. The trouble is acts of service is not a main love language for me. I appreciate that he is showing caring in his way but it is not MY way.

I guess with this I just wanted to HEAR he felt protective of me when I am vulnerable. Apparently he doesn't. Well I guess he is being honest. Makes me feel sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I *would* like him to verbalize things. I do not want to seem unappreciative of what he has done as I am VERY appreciative. The disconnect comes about because I know there are thoughts and feelings in his head that I want to hear. He thinks just thinking these things are enough. Or he shows caring through these acts. The trouble is acts of service is not a main love language for me. I appreciate that he is showing caring in his way but it is not MY way.
> 
> I guess with this I just wanted to HEAR he felt protective of me when I am vulnerable. Apparently he doesn't. Well I guess he is being honest. Makes me feel sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand how you feel. I learned really early on not to do this kind of thing with my husband as he would pretty much never tell me what he thought I wanted to hear if he thought I was being manipulative or indirect. I think it reminded him waaaay to much of his super BPD mother. 

So I've just come to accept that he won't -or will very rarely - express things verbally, and her certainly won't indulge me too much if he thinks I'm being consciously needy and disingenuous. He shows his love for me in lots of ways, and then sometimes, out of nowhere, he'll say something sweet, unprompted. I treasure those and save them up. 

Sometimes I do just come straight out and say, "say something nice to me." and he does. So he's fine, as long as I'm being direct and not trying to play what he sees as a false weak, feminine, passively-dominant role. Not saying that's what you were doing at all, just that that's what I've learned over 20 years or so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Walking,

You said it yourself. He's an act of services kind of guy. Asking or expecting him to be something else is setting yourself (and him) up to fail


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Get better soon! Best wishes!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I guess with this I just wanted to HEAR he felt protective of me when I am vulnerable. Apparently he doesn't. Well I guess he is being honest. Makes me feel sad.


Whoa, you need to back that train up a bit.

I get you may want to hear him say he would take a bullet for you. But, it's a huge leap to say that he does not feel protective over you. He is scurrying about doing stuff so you don't have to exert himself. He comes in to check on you (for him to have had a chance to express this, and disappoint you in the process, he must have spent substantial one-on-one time with you checking on you, making you feel comfortable, etc.).

Not only that, if it's a minor surgery scheduled will in advance, you are not really all that vulnerable.

Personally, anesthesia tends to mess with my emotional state and pain meds screw up my cognitive and perceptual abilities. Let the fog and pain clear from your surgery, reassess, and then act.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I don't think the question was THAT bad,.... Do we all say the right things all the darn time! 

You just had surgery, I think you deserve some leeway for desiring a little special care ...with words... So you were "fishing"....men do this sort of thing too...when they want sex. None of us are perfect, but how our spouse handles it -says a lot. 

Walking Wounded, I have read so many of your posts, It just seems the relationship is a "striving against the wind" in many ways...your cup is always half full, there is a lingering "longing" for so much more from him. 



> I *would* like him to verbalize things. I do not want to seem unappreciative of what he has done as I am VERY appreciative. The disconnect comes about because I know there are thoughts and feelings in his head that I want to hear. He thinks just thinking these things are enough. Or he shows caring through these acts. The trouble is acts of service is not a main love language for me. I appreciate that he is showing caring in his way but it is not MY way.
> 
> I guess with this I just wanted to HEAR he felt protective of me when I am vulnerable. Apparently he doesn't. Well I guess he is being honest. Makes me feel sad.


 And it does mean the world when we have a partner who express's his CARE with loving words in our vulnerable moments or at the very least, doesn't trample them!

When we have to "work" & "fish" to get this coming back to us though -I would find this very demeaning...even hollow somehow. Best to not go there in the future, even if tempted. 

Trying to not take it personal, realizing ....This "Acts of Service" man is NOT the lovey dovey mushy gushy type that feeds on emotional talk. Likely he never was, even in dating. 

What can be done....at the end of the day, we need to accept them as they are. I think our spouses should try harder to meet those needs though---get an understanding of how much, how wide, how deep that means to us.... but to start expecting ... we might be setting ourselves up. 

I am like you Walking Wounded, I could give a crap about Acts of Service, I want the verbal affection. This fullfills me. 

Working to change how you want this cup filled in your life.....Hmmmm not an easy task, I think we still long for what we want.....trying to not take it too personal will surely help though! Just being satisfied with getting these needs met somewhere else (family, friends). 

It is so common for people to throw the "needy" card around when 1 spouse desires more from the other... I personally don't feel there is from anything wrong that some need more than others....it is just that they aren't a "compatable match" when they married....and it does cause some grief after the vows...it always does unless 2 are very unselfish people, and not resentment prone. 

Sometimes it is our spouses who MAKE us feel "needy" and exasperate the problem...but in reality, what we desire from them is as normal & healthy as can be. 

That is what I see here.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

First thing to say is thanks to everyone. I have taken something from every reply.

I asked him directly about yesterday. He said he simply didn't see me as vulnerable, that he doesn't see me as that kind of person. I think this is him saying something good about me.

He wasn't being protective. He was being practical. I appreciate this.

I honestly feel that I have been sold short. I agree with SimplyAmorous, I do feel the cup is only half full. I guess I am looking for two things. The first is a hint of the guy I knew from earlier on in our relationship. The affectionate one. The one who couldn't get enough of me. This is something he insists was a phase and we have evened out now. So for whatever reason I am not allowed acces to that side of him again.

The second is the boost. I guess in simple terms it is the reassurance verbally of how he feels about me after his EA.

I have hit a really down place about our marriage right now. He pointed out earlier that we had not done "sex things" for a week now. To the poster reading this story for the first time, they might think "so what? A week?" But for me at this point this is pretty significant. I have been aware now that my drive, which was once high, is dropping significantly. My initial assumption is that in some way I am closing off to my H. Not deliberately but as a protective mechanism.

It is pretty scary. I sit and try to conjur up lustfull thoughts but they are dampened down which is really... weird to say the least. It has gotten to the point where he is talking about sex more than me. A complete reversal. I feel no fire for it right now. We were out earlier and saw two pretty girls walking down the sidewalk. H was driving and I could see him looking, look back at me as he was talking, then look back at them. It was that prolonged stare which makes me feel embarrassed that I'm with him yet he is staring at other women. I just felt really sad and lonely. I don't know what is going on with us any more.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You sound like you've got a pretty good grasp on what's triggering your feelings & responses to him.. and about all this.

you've got a good handle on yourself. Be proud of who you are. Know that you are a smart woman. Your drive is down.. his is up, but you are feeling hurt/embarrassed when he stared at two pretty females. Can you understand though that his drive is up & not being met at the moment? Forgive him for looking. It doesn't mean EA to him. 

Just realize that in time, you will start to feel better and the sex stuff will swing back around to normal. Marriage will always have its ups & downs in the sex market with each other.

As grandma used to always say: "This too, shall pass."


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I think his drive is up a little. The irony is it is in response to mine being down.

That looking at girls? He allways does that. It is never subtle. An offhand look in passing I could deal with. But he does that thing where he looks, looks away then looks long and hard. The kind of look that girls notice. That is what bothers me. I used to joke that I could introduce him if he wanted. Now I am just fed up of it. I feel humiliated like I am sat there with him and yet he is having to not just look but stare at passing women.

He has been all around me this last couple of days. Ironically he is being everything I have wanted: caring, giving me spontaneous compliments, affectionate both non sexually and sexually, asking how I am. What a shame he can only do this when I feel the most distant from him I have done in a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Walking Wounded,
I see nothing wrong with your feeling that way.
There are times that partners need to hear certain things. Yes, they may have an answer in mind,but they NEED TO HEAR IT.
It sort of reinforces their belief,and helps to cast doubts aside.
I have been married for more than 12 yrs,and my wife still asks during / after intense lovemaking: "Do you love me?"
I believe the reason she asks is because she wants to hear me say it ,at that particular time.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Walking Wounded,
> I see nothing wrong with your feeling that way.
> There are times that partners need to hear certain things. Yes, they may have an answer in mind,but they NEED TO HEAR IT.
> It sort of reinforces their belief,and helps to cast doubts aside.
> ...


See, my H isn't like you with this stuff. You appear to seek to understand. My H's reaction is to tell me all the reasons why I am wrong, why I should just KNOW how he feels.

Me doing the same has never prompted him to reciprocate. He just soaks it all up and expects to hear more and more. When I pull back from complimenting him and saying nice stuff, he cites that as the reason he doesn't do the same for me. It gets me SO frustrated.

I don't want him to agree with me all the time. He does not have to. It would just be really something if he could find it in him to say "well, I can *totally* see how you would feel like that." Or "yeah, I can see why you would think that from what I did/said." He's just so busy telling me why I am wrong to feel how I do.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> *I don't want him to agree with me all the time. He does not have to. It would just be really something if he could find it in him to say "well, I can *totally* see how you would feel like that." Or "yeah, I can see why you would think that from what I did/said." He's just so busy telling me why I am wrong to feel how I do.*




I think its called " Emotional Validation."

Emotional validation refers to the acknowledgement, understanding, and acceptance of another person's or one's own emotions. 
If you give it to him,it should be reciprocated.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I asked him directly about yesterday. *He said he simply didn't see me as vulnerable, that he doesn't see me as that kind of person.* I think this is him saying something good about me.
> 
> He wasn't being protective. He was being practical. I appreciate this.
> 
> ...


Hi Walking,

I've read and replied on severalof your posts. I higlighted the things that struck me the most.

Almost ten years ago I was in a short relationship with a girl, and she was crazy about me, she would have done anything for me but I was not that much into her. I didn't want her to see me as her saviour. I did not want her to feel vulnerable, in fact I encouraged her to be more independant. I ended the relationship after a few months because I realized this was hurting us both, and her more than me.

As I said to you before he seems waiting for the right moment to get out of the marriage or he simply doesn't know what to do with himself. The sign are there, he's not in love with you anymore, at least is not the same love that he gave to you at the beginning of your relationship.

The fact that he is looking at other women in that way means lack of consideration/respect for you. I notice a beautiful girl too when I am with my wife, but why stare and linger on something that I don't want/need? If it's one time to make my wife a bit jealous it can be ok, but I still find it disrespectul towards her.


A big hug!


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