# Not sure where to even start.....



## HikerGal (9 mo ago)

There are so many discussion areas I could post this to. Multiple levels of dysfunction. 

Been married 25 years. One grown child and one teen child. He spends his time with his nose in his phone or tablet constantly. This includes during meals, movies, etc. Absolutely no sex for past 10 years. Nothing. Yes, I keep myself up. Workout every day. When sex started slipping, he had a porn/webcam obsession. He blamed the slipping sex life back then on me - when I was always willing. He has had erectile issues and talked about seeing a doctor about it - but never has. Instead - he complained that his issues was because I didn't wear lingerie enough.

He talks like he is father of the year, but constantly makes plans with his empty nester friends, without any consideration for the family or plans that may have been in place. Most of the times I'm told of his plans with friends last minute. He had often complained that he would be an empty nester too and have freedom if we didn't have that last child.

I have seen a therapist a few years back, off and on. Husband refuses therapy and is actually offended when I have gone, and has told me "If you are talking about me in therapy, I have a right to know what you talk about."

The straw that broke the camel's back - I have a routine medical procedure coming up next week. He is older than me - and I have been there for him during any illnesses and procedures he has had. All I need is a driver, and someone to be around that evening after the procedure. Our child needs a ride to and from work that night and I am not able to provide it due to restrictions on driving that day. Husband told me "I have plans the night before your procedure and the night after. You will be fine." He also said our teen will have to find an alternate ride to work. 

I am not sure I can put up with this marriage much longer. It is so one sided. Husband often acts all sweet - talks about taking trips and seems happy in the marriage.l and says he is happy in the marriage. Then in the next minute he acts like he is single -doing whatever he wants with no regard for anyone except himself. 

Not sure what I want here. Just needed to vent. Any thoughts on how I can work all of this out in my head - and either fix it or move on?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I'm sorry you're hurting, HikeGal. From what you've described, you have a roommate, not a husband, I certainly don't blame you for wanting out, he doesn't sound worth keeping at all. Have you spoken to him about your concerns directly, not just mentioned therapy?


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## HikerGal (9 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> I'm sorry you're hurting, HikeGal. From what you've described, you have a roommate, not a husband, I certainly don't blame you for wanting out, he doesn't sound worth keeping at all. Have you spoken to him about your concerns directly, not just mentioned therapy?


We went through something 5 years back where he ambushed me with the fact that he wanted a divorce and couldn't wait until the kids were older. This conversation happened a week before our oldest graduated high school. I told him to be a man and suck it up, he wasn't going to do this during this time. I told him he can do whatever he wants after the busy grad festivities, and left it at that. A week later he texted me that he didn't want a divorce.

I think he would be fine continuing to be roommates. He is taken care of. He has a decent salary, and I have a great job and a great salary - he enjoys that as well. He has mentioned that he enjoys the fact that we do not worry about money - like we did when the kids were younger. 

I feel like it is a marriage of convenience for him. I am not happy and haven't been for some time. Habits certainly are hard to break.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

HikerGal said:


> We went through something 5 years back where he ambushed me with the fact that he wanted a divorce and couldn't wait until the kids were older. This conversation happened a week before our oldest graduated high school. I told him to be a man and suck it up, he wasn't going to do this during this time. I told him he can do whatever he wants after the busy grad festivities, and left it at that. A week later he texted me that he didn't want a divorce.
> 
> I think he would be fine continuing to be roommates. He is taken care of. He has a decent salary, and I have a great job and a great salary - he enjoys that as well. He has mentioned that he enjoys the fact that we do not worry about money - like we did when the kids were younger.
> 
> I feel like it is a marriage of convenience for him. I am not happy and haven't been for some time. Habits certainly are hard to break.


He does indeed sound like a bad habit. I don't think this is fixable, even if you want to try. He's told you exactly what he thinks and it sounds like he's biding his time. 

The question now is, what do you want, given what you know?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's worthless. I mean I would take care of a neighbor I barely knew enough to get them home from the hospital and make sure they were okay that evening. He is horrible. You need to just get yourself a good family attorney and that will be easy for you since you are both comfortable financially and since he isn't thrilled about having that last child I would be sure gets 50% custody despite the fact he won't want it so that he is forced to have some responsibility for his child because otherwise he will just be the single free one and you will be the one still having to do everything.

I can't even fathom why you're still with him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Forget his words and look at his actions — he has zero interest in you and he’s obviously not in the running for father of the year (was the second child your idea and he went along). He likes what you provide and lives like he’s single. I can see what he’s getting out of the deal but I don’t see what you’re getting — maybe the illusion that you’re a family?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As to fixing it, the problem is that he would have to want to fix it and there’s no indication that he does. He is okay with things as they are since he changed his mind about a divorce (my guess is there was someone he was considering leaving you for then). You’re a roommate with financial resources and he gets to do as he pleases. In his mind, it’ll likely do until or unless someone else comes along.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Openminded said:


> As to fixing it, the problem is that he would have to want to fix it and there’s no indication that he does. He is okay with things as they are since he changed his mind about a divorce (my guess is there was someone he was considering leaving you for then). You’re a roommate with financial resources and he gets to do as he pleases. In his mind, it’ll likely do until or unless someone else comes along.


Someone could have already come along. Lots of cake eaters out there.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

I am so sorry. He certainly acts like someone who wants to be single. Are you sure there isn’t someone else?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

I can' t fathom how you' ve chosen to stay for so long like this.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

HikerGal said:


> .......Been *married 25 years*. One grown child and one teen child. He spends his time with his nose in his phone or tablet constantly. This includes during meals, movies, etc. Absolutely *no sex for past 10 years*. Nothing. Yes, I keep myself up. Workout every day. When sex started slipping, he had a* porn/webcam obsession*. He blamed the slipping sex life back then on me - when I was always willing. *He has had erectile issues* and talked about seeing a doctor about it - but never has. Instead - he complained that *his issues was because I didn't wear lingerie enough*.
> 
> ......*.I have seen a therapist* a few years back, off and on. *Husband refuses therapy* and is actually offended when I have gone, and has told me "If you are talking about me in therapy, I have a right to know what you talk about."
> 
> ...


Venting is good. Well done. Now some suggestions.

Go back and start up some individual counseling to figure out what you want. Invite him to attend with you but don't press him. Use the counseling to figure out what will make you happy. Your life with change dramatically as an empty nester. Figure out how to make the most of that change.

As to you needing a driver and your son needing a ride, one work: Uber. If he is going to be a jerk, you need to learn how to fend for yourself and no longer be dependent on him. Same with your child.

Often about the time one gets to deal with an empty nest, you find out you have lots of time with a spouse you no longer know or care about. Usually, your priorities and that of your spouse have been on the child and so it is a huge change to find you have free time for you and your spouse, but no idea of what to do.

One of the things that helped in the repair of my sex starved marriage was that the Sex Therapist had us talk about what we each wanted to do in 10, 15 and 20 years. That is our own bucket list. We were also asked to itemize any things we wanted to do with our spouse. Finally, we were asked to describe what an ideal marriage looked like in 10 years, 15 years and 20 years. Changing your point of reference from what you are doing for your child, to what you are doing for yourself and your spouse, if a huge change.

Good luck and vent on.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Are you 100% sure he's not seeing someone else?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He's not seeing someone.
Nope.

He is seeing some thing, a guy thing, named ED.

He also, likely has low-t and high pride.

He's done.

Divorce him.



_Mabel-_


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## HikerGal (9 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> He does indeed sound like a bad habit. I don't think this is fixable, even if you want to try. He's told you exactly what he thinks and it sounds like he's biding his time.
> 
> The question now is, what do you want, given what you know?


I think I want out. Regardless if he is seeing someone or not.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

HikerGal said:


> I think I want out. Regardless if he is seeing someone or not.


Then go. Don’t wait around and let him run your life. Take the reins and take care of yourself.


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## HikerGal (9 mo ago)

Coloratura said:


> I am so sorry. He certainly acts like someone who wants to be single. Are you sure there isn’t someone else?


Not sure if he is or isn't seeing someone.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

HikerGal said:


> I think I want out. Regardless if he is seeing someone or not.


I think that’s a very good idea.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

FYI- a hospital or surgical center will not release a patient to an Uber or cab. They have to have someone to drive them home. Any many want that person there before the procedure starts. Even things as simple as a colonoscopy will usually have this in big bold writing on your “night before” and “check in, morning of instructions” and many state your procedure will be canceled if your driver is not there when you check in.

I realize this is not what your thread is about but just wanted to point this out.


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## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

honestly to me it sounds like he already has a side piece. Someone gone that much is getting something I’m sure. I don’t know for sure obviously but sounds like a strong possibility.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

HikerGal said:


> There are so many discussion areas I could post this to. Multiple levels of dysfunction.
> 
> Been married 25 years. One grown child and one teen child. He spends his time with his nose in his phone or tablet constantly. This includes during meals, movies, etc. Absolutely no sex for past 10 years. Nothing. Yes, I keep myself up. Workout every day. When sex started slipping, he had a porn/webcam obsession. He blamed the slipping sex life back then on me - when I was always willing. He has had erectile issues and talked about seeing a doctor about it - but never has. Instead - he complained that his issues was because I didn't wear lingerie enough.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry u are going thru this. He is being terribly selfish and unfair to you. I would think that it sounds he has become accustomed to doing things the way he wants without much consequence..and he is just fine living that way regardless how u feel. This isnt enough backstory to make a definite determination..but it does appear u have an empty and one sided marriage. I would sit down and talk with him about how u feel..give him some boundaries and explain your expectations from him, your needs and wants, etc. If he is receptive and willing to make changes..then move forward cautiously...if he isn't..unfortunately if it were me in your situation I would throw in the towel. Good luck.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

HikerGal said:


> There are so many discussion areas I could post this to. Multiple levels of dysfunction.
> 
> Been married 25 years. One grown child and one teen child. He spends his time with his nose in his phone or tablet constantly. This includes during meals, movies, etc. Absolutely no sex for past 10 years. Nothing. Yes, I keep myself up. Workout every day. When sex started slipping, he had a porn/webcam obsession. He blamed the slipping sex life back then on me - when I was always willing. He has had erectile issues and talked about seeing a doctor about it - but never has. Instead - he complained that his issues was because I didn't wear lingerie enough.
> 
> ...


“He thinks he’ll keep her” Mary Chapin Carpenter (song)


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## HikerGal (9 mo ago)

Update - sometimes it isn't anything that wasn't said or done that is the tipping point or issue. Sometimes it is just you aren't compatible, and neither party is getting what they need. I am a walking testament to that.


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## prairieguy1972 (9 mo ago)

Hi Hiker girl. I can relate, although our/my story is somewhat different. My wife and I have been married for over 25 years as well, and, like you, we have been in a sexless relationship since 2012. Obviously, the problems started long before that, though, as we both failed to make intimacy a priority since the start. Now we both live in a weird state of denial, going about our day to day business, parenting duties, household chores, etc., without even the slightest inclination of a physical connection. Thankfully, there is still laughter, kindness, and support in the household - but we are purely room-mates and nothing more. We love each other, but we haven't been 'in love' in a thousand years. There is no spark to rekindle, no flame to reignite. I know that I have failed as a lover and a husband, and I know that I should leave the relationship for both her sake and mine, but it's simply not that easy. Financially, we are scraping by, so there is nowhere for either of us to go. All we can do now is simply try to fill each day with kindness and hope that it's enough. 

I've never had erection issues, but I've never been very good in bed. Maybe she has just been too nice to say anything all these years, but deep down I know she is as lonely, frustrated, and concerned as me.


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## prairieguy1972 (9 mo ago)

If your husband is anything like me, he's let his own fears, insecurities and selfishness get in the way of addressing and resolving the issues.


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## Bcause (5 mo ago)

Does he still have a porn problem? Has it excellerated? It can cause Ed and actions you mentioned. It leaves the spouse feeling unloved and alone


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

prairieguy1972 said:


> Hi Hiker girl. I can relate, although our/my story is somewhat different. My wife and I have been married for over 25 years as well, and, like you, we have been in a sexless relationship since 2012. Obviously, the problems started long before that, though, as we both failed to make intimacy a priority since the start. Now we both live in a weird state of denial, going about our day to day business, parenting duties, household chores, etc., without even the slightest inclination of a physical connection. Thankfully, there is still laughter, kindness, and support in the household - but we are purely room-mates and nothing more. We love each other, but we haven't been 'in love' in a thousand years. There is no spark to rekindle, no flame to reignite. I know that I have failed as a lover and a husband, and I know that I should leave the relationship for both her sake and mine, but it's simply not that easy. Financially, we are scraping by, so there is nowhere for either of us to go. All we can do now is simply try to fill each day with kindness and hope that it's enough.
> 
> I've never had erection issues, but I've never been very good in bed. Maybe she has just been too nice to say anything all these years, but deep down I know she is as lonely, frustrated, and concerned as me.


Not to hijack the thread, but your marriage sounds like it could benefit greatly by counseling. I would suggest posting this..cut and paste… in a new thread to get input from others.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's worthless. I mean I would take care of a neighbor I barely knew enough to get them home from the hospital and make sure they were okay that evening. He is horrible. You need to just get yourself a good family attorney and that will be easy for you since you are both comfortable financially and since he isn't thrilled about having that last child I would be sure gets 50% custody despite the fact he won't want it so that he is forced to have some responsibility for his child because otherwise he will just be the single free one and you will be the one still having to do everything.
> 
> I can't even fathom why you're still with him.


I agree with everything but the 50% custody. The guy clearly values himself and his plans over his child, and giving him 50% custody would cut out even child support. 

Buy I would divorce him. No sex in ten years and he’s into porn? He’s cheating most likely. He wanted to divorce you a while ago? This is obviously a man that doesn’t like you and to him you’re just a handy appliance.

of course you should divorce him because you already are except on paper. Give yourself the opportunity to be loved. You sound like a rare good woman. I very much enjoyed your response of telling him to suck it up and be a man instead of messing up your child’s life!right then. You are the stuff. Lots and lots of men would treasure a woman that thinks like you. Give a good man the chance to do that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Let him go and free yourself. Drop the hopium pipe. He’s never going to change because that’s who he is. 
Im sure if you file he’d probably change short term but just revert back.
You’ll with make the decision to get out or stay and just get more of what you’ve been getting.
It’s your choice.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, you've pretty much taught this guy how to treat you. You're not a victim...you're a willing participant.

Read my story. I too was married to a much older guy.....no kids with him thank God but I have 2 that he was always kind of a prick to.

He threatened me with divorce after I wouldn't rugsweep him keeping an ex gf around our entire 13 years together. After a little while I decided he really didn't bring much to my life and told him he was getting his divorce. Of course he cried and begged...he didn't really wamt one...he was just ok using the threat to bully.

Why would I want to take care of an old guy who was am asshole? I dumped him and my life is magnitudes better.


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