# Functioning Alcoholic



## Disillusioned

I am 39, and have been together with my husband for 20 yrs, married for 14 with 2 wonderful children. I always said I never want to marry an alcoholic, and turns out I did. When we were younger and dating of course we would go out and drink, but I feel like I grew up and he didn't. He runs his own business, so he is usually at the bar by 3pm, home by 5 and continues to drink from there. He is not abusive when he drinks, it is when he isn't drinking he is impatient, tempermental and argumentive. I actually prefer him with a couple beers under his belt as he is happier and more interactive with the kids when he drinks, but it doesn't stop at a couple. Then there is the other thing, because he drinks, his lovemaking has become very sloppy where he turns me off before he can turn me on, and I can't wait for it to be over. 

He likes to stay home and I like to go out. We don't really do to much together, and I find myself enjoying attention from other men when I go out with friends...and it scares me because I am enjoying too much these days. I had a guy kiss me the other day when out with friends and although I stopped it, it sent a rush through my body that I haven't felt in years and I feel guilty just thinking about it and what could have been. I could never cheat on my husband, but I don't know what or where to go from here. And yes, I have mentioned his drinking and sex issues to him, but when I try to talk to him when he is sober so he gets pissy about it, and when he is drinking he doesn't remember about it the next day. 

I don't know what I hope to get out of this forum, maybe just some insight from others. I just feel ripped off, cause when I signed my marriage certificate, this isn't what I signed up for.


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## draconis

This is a common issue. Alcoholics normally get the DTs while drying out. They wan what hey don't have. You are enabling the issue. If he gave up alcohol you'd have issues for the next six months. It is hard. I saw what my father in law went through, I saw how he changed, and saw what it did to the family.

Look up alanon (sp) for support.

Get marriage counciling, first yourself, then couples.

Set boundries and write a contract with you husband to what you want.

draconis


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## sparkle08

I read your post and your marriage sounds so much like my own but the difference is, I've only been married for 6yrs. My husband is a sports fanatic, I mean REALLY fanatic, its as if he has money invested or is actually a physical participant. When his teams are losing, he is angry, depressed, and self loathing. I have gotten to the point where I don't even sleep in our bedroom anymore, not for the last 2yrs. He goes out drinking most fridays after work and sometimes I meet up with him but most times I don't because depending on what season it is like right now we've started football season and baseball season is coming to an end (his team is not in the post season). Anyway, we can't seem to hang out together, I always end up leaving because he gets very angry, loud, aggressive when he drinks, that's not to say that he isn't that way when he doesn't drink when it comes to sports. I feel like I'm in this marriage by myself. We have a child, she is 5yrs and I have 3 teenagers from a previous marriage, but only 1 of them still live with us. She's 17 and she helps alot with her sister after school because I work full time. My house is always in turmoil and when its not we're waiting for something to happen. My husband and I fight constantly about money and sports and kids there isn't anything that we don't fight about. I love him and I want to try to work through our problems but I'm at my wits end. I don't know if this websight is right for me and maybe I just need someone to talk to that is going through the same things. I'm just so unhappy and so confused.


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## voivod

disillusioned--
you said:

>>>>>"I am 39, and have been together with my husband for 20 yrs, married for 14 with 2 wonderful children. I always said I never want to marry an alcoholic, and turns out I did. When we were younger and dating of course we would go out and drink, but I feel like I grew up and he didn't. He runs his own business, so he is usually at the bar by 3pm, home by 5 and continues to drink from there. He is not abusive when he drinks, it is when he isn't drinking he is impatient, tempermental and argumentive. I actually prefer him with a couple beers under his belt as he is happier and more interactive with the kids when he drinks, but it doesn't stop at a couple. Then there is the other thing, because he drinks, his lovemaking has become very sloppy where he turns me off before he can turn me on, and I can't wait for it to be over."<<<<

i'm sure the sexual result to your husband's drinking is more common than you know...y'know when i was drinking, i used to have this fear...it goes like this: what is going to happen when i retire? am i gonna be drinking all the time? because it seemed like that's what i did with my free time. so instead i left myself NO free time, consequentially no free time with my family, which my wife resented...i replaced drinking with work, became a workaholic, did the same with fitness for about a year, became a gym rat...thing is, your husband (if he's like the rest of us ALCOHOLICS) will not listen if you tell him your concerns...we've learned to lie to ourselves about our problem pretty good...he's gonna have to hit his bottom to see how bad it is...have you given him the ultimatum? you'll only do that when it's gotten bad, so maybe you haven't...give him the opportunity to get help...be prepared by having literature to present to him...but dude is heading for a major life crash...i believe...

and:

>>>>"I don't know what I hope to get out of this forum, maybe just some insight from others. I just feel ripped off, cause when I signed my marriage certificate, this isn't what I signed up for.<<<<

of course yoiu didn't sign up for alcoholism...but remember what you DID sign up for: sickness and health, ok...he's sick, and you are going to be too...remember this...it's an insidious disease...one that's gonna make you say "oh, no...that's not us"...until one day it IS you... good luck, you've come to the right place...

NOTE: see the above two posts? draconis and sparkle were both posting as i was writing, i didn't see them before i wrote this...sound similar???


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## Disillusioned

Yah, I know all about the sport fanatic thing "Sparkle" I think I get beat out by it a lot of the time. I too didn't sleep in our bed for a couple of months, partially because when he drinks, he snores so bad that I can't sleep, and I was hoping that when he asked why, and I did tell him why, that maybe he would make an effort. 

Although, I don't think hubby see himself as an alcoholic, Voivod because all his friends do it right? My father was an abusive alcoholic and my bother is too mixed in with drugs, so I am not totally unfamiliar with it. I realize it is a sickness, but I just thought at this stage of my life, we would be enjoying life, family, intimacy, and dreams....and quite honestly I think you guys now know more about me than he ever did or does. I do agree with Draconis, I am going to talk to a counsellor...the whole thing is just scary and sad.


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## voivod

disillusioned--
you said:

>>>>>"Although, I don't think hubby see himself as an alcoholic, Voivod because all his friends do it right? My father was an abusive alcoholic and my bother is too mixed in with drugs, so I am not totally unfamiliar with it. I realize it is a sickness, but I just thought at this stage of my life, we would be enjoying life, family, intimacy, and dreams....and quite honestly I think you guys now know more about me than he ever did or does. I do agree with Draconis, I am going to talk to a counsellor...the whole thing is just scary and sad."

you say it this stage in your life, you'd be enjoying life, family, intimacy, dreams...i assume you mean you're NOT enjoying those things now...right??? those are things that are being set aside for alcohol use??? that's pretty close to symptomatic...i'm no expert...but if you DO see counseling, say that out loud and see what comes of it, ok. maybe a precurser to a counselor would be for you to say those things to your husband...


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## frenchysue

I'm also married to a high functional alcoholic for 22 years-he goes to work everyday, stops at the package store 6 days aweek, and comes home and doesn't go out but drinks in this garage. He never yells or has never touched me. Does alittle work outside then comes it at 7 and watches tv downstairs alone for an hour then takes a shower and either passes out in his chair or watches tv. I sleep in the spare room and have 90% of the time. We are not intimitate. He is what you call a closet drinker as he only drinks in the house when I go to bed, then he sneaks down stairs and has a drink. He has no friends. All of his family has passed on, even his twin sister died of alcoholism. We have gone to counseling together about 12 times, then he said it was a waste of time. But the real reason is that he can't wait to go home and drink. I've gone to counseling alone about 20 times, been to alan-on 38 times. Read more books on alcoholism then I can remember. I've been depressed to many times too remember. And the bottom line is you can talk yourself to death as they won't change unless THEY want to. I also tell him that when he drinks I treat him as a stranger, you are not the person I mairred and loved, I don't love your disease, and I don't have to be nice to your disease. Remember it's there disease not ours. The only thing they love is there alcohol. The only piece I have found is to go on without him, although I still live in the house.


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## voivod

frenchysue said:


> The only thing they love is there alcohol. The only piece I have found is to go on without him, although I still live in the house.



careful with the "they." maybe you should say "he." because i don't LOVE alcohol, i HATE IT...i wish you and yours ther best of luck. he's a lucky man, though he may not know it.


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## frenchysue

Viovod. Yes you are right I should of said "HE". Bless you for going to AA meetings, you are trying to better yourself for your family. I just don't get it as to WHY my husband won't get help. I've done ALL the research for him and gave him all the tools he needs, if he wants to get help but he doesn't. Keep up the good work. sue


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## voivod

frenchysue said:


> Viovod. Yes you are right I should of said "HE". Bless you for going to AA meetings, you are trying to better yourself for your family. I just don't get it as to WHY my husband won't get help. I've done ALL the research for him and gave him all the tools he needs, if he wants to get help but he doesn't. Keep up the good work. sue



he doesn't try because he doesn't think he NEEDS help. he can quit any time he wants...he just drinks at home...never drives drunk...he hasn't lost his job...everyone he knows does what he does...

REASEARCH DON'T MEAN JACK TO HIM...HE'S HIS OWN FOCUS GROUP...RE-READ THE ABOVE STATEMENTS...THAT'S ALL THE PROOF HE NEEDS.

sound familiar??? wait long enough to show him the "bottom" and all of those phrases will sound familiar to you...along with "please honey...don't leave," "i need you," "i'll never do it again,"

sorry, not to sound preachy...but i been there...i was him...alcoholism is progressive...kinda like a snowball, til it falls down on the coffee table and becomes obvious to everyone in the room...mixed metaphor purposefully...

gently show him "the bottom" and watch how fast he runs to help...


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## Disillusioned

To Voivod....from your experience...would it be wrong to ask my husband to leave while he tries to quit drinking. I am scared that while /or if he tries to quit, life could be miserable for awhile and I worry about the effect of that on my kids and myself.


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## voivod

Disillusioned said:


> To Voivod....from your experience...would it be wrong to ask my husband to leave while he tries to quit drinking. I am scared that while /or if he tries to quit, life could be miserable for awhile and I worry about the effect of that on my kids and myself.



no, but don't be surprised if he tries to negotiate a deal where he doesn't have to leave. alcoholics are good liars, and pretty good negotiators. skills we've picked up along the way in our drinking careers. quitting drinking can be difficult (i was lucky, no problems) but more than anything, if you make him leave, he'll feel the sense of consequences for drinking. consequences are necessary. demand AA meetings and make him accountable. also individual counseling, because that'll help him understand why he drinks (it's not always "to relax", etc).
hold strong, and good luck. prayer can't hurt either.


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## draconis

voivod said:


> no, but don't be surprised if he tries to negotiate a deal where he doesn't have to leave. alcoholics are good liars, and pretty good negotiators. skills we've picked up along the way in our drinking careers. quitting drinking can be difficult (i was lucky, no problems) but more than anything, if you make him leave, he'll feel the sense of consequences for drinking. conseqwuences are necessary. demand AA meetings and make him accountable. also individual counseling, because that'll help him understand why he drinks (it's not always "to relax", etc).
> hold strong, and good luck. prayer can't hurt either.


great advice.

draconis


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## Honey

Disillusioned said:


> I am 39, and have been together with my husband for 20 yrs, married for 14 with 2 wonderful children. I always said I never want to marry an alcoholic, and turns out I did. When we were younger and dating of course we would go out and drink, but I feel like I grew up and he didn't. He runs his own business, so he is usually at the bar by 3pm, home by 5 and continues to drink from there. He is not abusive when he drinks, it is when he isn't drinking he is impatient, tempermental and argumentive. I actually prefer him with a couple beers under his belt as he is happier and more interactive with the kids when he drinks, but it doesn't stop at a couple. Then there is the other thing, because he drinks, his lovemaking has become very sloppy where he turns me off before he can turn me on, and I can't wait for it to be over.
> 
> He likes to stay home and I like to go out. We don't really do to much together, and I find myself enjoying attention from other men when I go out with friends...and it scares me because I am enjoying too much these days. I had a guy kiss me the other day when out with friends and although I stopped it, it sent a rush through my body that I haven't felt in years and I feel guilty just thinking about it and what could have been. I could never cheat on my husband, but I don't know what or where to go from here. And yes, I have mentioned his drinking and sex issues to him, but when I try to talk to him when he is sober so he gets pissy about it, and when he is drinking he doesn't remember about it the next day.
> 
> I don't know what I hope to get out of this forum, maybe just some insight from others. I just feel ripped off, cause when I signed my marriage certificate, this isn't what I signed up for.


You know how they have pictures of people taking a puff on a cig after haviny sex? Well, he should hold off drinking something until after he has sex. He really should get help with that. It seems to have gotten way out of hand, and it is messing up his marriage. 

I can understand about the last part. Women didn't sign up to be a maid, be hit on, cheated on..or anything else bad.


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## Blanca

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Go to some alanon meetings. You'll be surprised at how much happier you can be if you learn to detach with love.


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## voivod

ljtseng said:


> Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
> 
> Go to some alanon meetings. You'll be surprised at how much happier you can be if you learn to detach with love.


and just like with anything...don't take one alanon meeting for another...some groups' original intent has been swayed by anothers' influence...not out of ill-purpose...rather of bias...PM me and i'll trade info with you...

in most 12-step based programs, you don't make a move for 12 months except in extreme circumstances...however, some individual groups have taken on a life of their own and advocate things that are not within the "program." alanon works...no, YOU work...alanon is a good blueprint...

if you end up in an alanon group that you aren't comfortable with, find another.


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## lexigsd1

ljtseng said:


> Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
> 
> Go to some alanon meetings. You'll be surprised at how much happier you can be if you learn to detach with love.


I have been married for 33 years and just two months ago I said enough is enough. I was totally committed to my marriage but every time we had 'an alcoholic episode' it killed a little bit more of my love for him each time, to where I am at the point where I feel I still love him but am no longer in love with him any more. The passion is dead. I've been going to al-anon and the above statement puzzles me. How can I detach and still feel committed at the same time. When I detach, I detach. Right now I feel all kinds of walls and barriers that I've built for self perservation. How do I allow myself to become vunerable again. I don't even know if I really want to. I know this post is almost a month old, but I hope you can give me some insight into my query. I think your experience (actually being a recovering alcoholic) is valuable as it gives me more insight into what kind of thought process my husband has. Desperating seeking answers or at least insight....


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## Blanca

lexigsd1 said:


> I've been going to al-anon and the above statement puzzles me. How can I detach and still feel committed at the same time.


well i dont know that you necessarily have to feel committed to him, or the marriage. its more a commitment to yourself, that you wont be the victim of his episodes anymore, that you'll learn to put boundaries up, that you will learn his addiction has nothing to do with you, that you will stop trying to 'fix' him. Its a commitment to your own happiness by letting go of his addiction in your own life. 

A lady at an alanon meeting gave an example of detaching with love, once. she said her husband came home drunk, again. he was sprawled out on the grass or something. the codependent side of her felt obligated to 'fix' the situation b/c that's what she thought she _should_ do if she loved him. and the resentment would build b/c of it. but, she just stood there and looked at him. she could storm off and be angry, but instead she got a blanket, covered him, and went to bed. that would be an example of detaching with love. not trying to fix the mess (i.e by bring him inside, etc), but realizing its not your responsibility to do anything more then what you feel good about doing.



lexigsd1 said:


> How do I allow myself to become vunerable again. I don't even know if I really want to.


He has to earn your trust. If you dont want to be vulnerable to him, then dont do it. Your commitment should be to you first.


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## draconis

ljtseng said:


> well i dont know that you necessarily have to feel committed to him, or the marriage. its more a commitment to yourself, that you wont be the victim of his episodes anymore, that you'll learn to put boundaries up, that you will learn his addiction has nothing to do with you, that you will stop trying to 'fix' him. Its a commitment to your own happiness by letting go of his addiction in your own life.
> 
> A lady at an alanon meeting gave an example of detaching with love, once. she said her husband came home drunk, again. he was sprawled out on the grass or something. the codependent side of her felt obligated to 'fix' the situation b/c that's what she thought she _should_ do if she loved him. and the resentment would build b/c of it. but, she just stood there and looked at him. she could storm off and be angry, but instead she got a blanket, covered him, and went to bed. that would be an example of detaching with love. not trying to fix the mess (i.e by bring him inside, etc), but realizing its not your responsibility to do anything more then what you feel good about doing.
> 
> 
> 
> He has to earn your trust. If you dont want to be vulnerable to him, then dont do it. Your commitment should be to you first.


:iagree:

draconis


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## subwife

I am 27 and married to a functioning alcoholic. I feel trapped. I try talking to him, but it just doesn't do any good. I can't stand to be near him and the sound of the ice against the glass is like nails on a chalkboard to me. It's been this way for the past four years. He sees nothing wrong with it because he goes to work and he does to things with me and our daughter. I'm sure alot of people would be surprised to find out he is an alcoholic. His mother is an alcoholic and actually last year lost her kids because of it and is now living in a motel. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. He has changed some of his drinking habits. He used to drink in front of our daughter and has stopped; he has times where it will reduce the amount; but now it seems like he just doesn't care anymore. It seems like we'll talk and he'll calm down the drinking drastically and then when he "thinks" I won't notice he starts to drink more and more. He says he's not an alcoholic because he's not dependant on it. I just hate alcohol!!!! IT has changed the man I love and I will always love him, but if he continues it will never be like it was before. I wish I had talked to him when this started. When he drinks I have no idea who this person is. He becomes very self centered and entitled. I just don't know what to do, but I do not have the courage to leave him..................


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## pgk453

Are you still dealing with this?


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## freeshias4me

gently show him "the bottom" and watch how fast he runs to help...[/QUOTE]

How do you do that?!

My husband sounds like all the above ones described!


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## tattoomommy

Disillusioned said:


> it is when he isn't drinking he is impatient, tempermental and argumentive. I actually prefer him with a couple beers under his belt as he is happier and more interactive with the kids when he drinks, but it doesn't stop at a couple.
> .



My father was like that while i was growing up. He was emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember towards my brother and I and neglectful of my mom. When he had a beer or two he was happy and nice, but a few more than that and he was worse than without. it was awful. really awful. for the sake of your kids, he needs to get help. I don't know how old they are or even how they're acting in all of this, but trust me it does affect them. I'm 23 and haven't lived at home since I turned 18 and still, I have problems with him. you need to get this taken care of however you can for you and your kids. especially the kids though.


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## kbjg1254

Been sober in AA for 7 1/2 years. I too thought I was a 'functioning alcoholic'. Had the job, $, nice house, etc. I had no idea how much I was missing out on and how much happier I would be if I had a way of controlling my racing brain and anxiety other than alcohol.

Hit a few Al Anon meetings and I think you'll find just what you need. My husband did not do that; the decision to go to AA was my own and I did not attend detox or rehab. Just remember you are going to Al Anon for you and not for him.


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## poetprose

Disillusioned said:


> I am 39, and have been together with my husband for 20 yrs, married for 14 with 2 wonderful children. I always said I never want to marry an alcoholic, and turns out I did. When we were younger and dating of course we would go out and drink, but I feel like I grew up and he didn't. He runs his own business, so he is usually at the bar by 3pm, home by 5 and continues to drink from there. He is not abusive when he drinks, it is when he isn't drinking he is impatient, tempermental and argumentive. I actually prefer him with a couple beers under his belt as he is happier and more interactive with the kids when he drinks, but it doesn't stop at a couple. Then there is the other thing, because he drinks, his lovemaking has become very sloppy where he turns me off before he can turn me on, and I can't wait for it to be over.
> 
> He likes to stay home and I like to go out. We don't really do to much together, and I find myself enjoying attention from other men when I go out with friends...and it scares me because I am enjoying too much these days. I had a guy kiss me the other day when out with friends and although I stopped it, it sent a rush through my body that I haven't felt in years and I feel guilty just thinking about it and what could have been. I could never cheat on my husband, but I don't know what or where to go from here. And yes, I have mentioned his drinking and sex issues to him, but when I try to talk to him when he is sober so he gets pissy about it, and when he is drinking he doesn't remember about it the next day.
> 
> I don't know what I hope to get out of this forum, maybe just some insight from others. I just feel ripped off, cause when I signed my marriage certificate, this isn't what I signed up for.


My question to you is , why are you having sex with a man whom you have lost respect for? what does this say about you

If your issues that are real to you, are being forgotten by this man what does this say to you? 

what do you think you need to do for you?


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## Hispetal

I'm glad this thread was bumped up. For me and the issues I face, perhaps the alcohol is ground zero - I just never thought of it that way until I saw the phrase "functioning alcoholic".

I've posted in other threads here about differing issues in my marriage to my H, trying to pinpoint the foundation of the problems we've had. I now can relate to much of what's been posted here - and it just amazes me how it all makes sense now:

*ISSUE #1: He drinks nearly every day. After work, at home, out for dinner, golfing ... just - any place, any time. The more he drinks, the more it affects his mood, his weight, his temper, etc. And we all know that alcohol is a depressant.

*ISSUE #2: I don't know if over-eating is partially a result of being depressed or being under pressure or anxiety - but he's is grossly overweight. Is alcohol the blame for being overweight, or is being overweight the reason for too much alcohol? Or both?????

We have been married for 20 years and have two kids in high school. I recently was laid off from the job I had where we worked at the same place, and I was very lucky to find a new job within two weeks. He runs the business he works at, and it's been more difficult in the past two years for him (business is slow), so it chews up a lot of his energy at turning it around for the better. I would say we "tolerate" each other, but lately I'm at the end of my rope dealing with his drinking habits and how it affects his relationship with our son and daughter (which fuels big-time arguments). Coming home late (from what else - happy hour), slurring his words over dinner, picking fights with our son, losing his temper over the smallest things, etc. - has taken it's toll. 

His dad was the same, except he was extremely verbally abusive to his family. 

And here's the kicker: His defensiveness when he's sober - has been a constant roadblock to talking about it. I try, and no matter how I approach it (I've tried a few times), I'm met with resistance. I really, really do not know what to do.

Counseling (for me) seems like an obvious answer, but it's so hard to find the time at the moment, with the kids activities after school, his travel schedule (that requires me to be the gate-keeper), and my new job demands. 

*sigh* ... I feel like a hamster on the proverbial wheel. Is there a better approach to dealing with these issues without having to do the counseling? It hurts me when he isn't receptive to my concerns about his behavior - and I'm trying to keep it all together. The kids comment to me about it and ask why he is the way he is. It's just about ready to break me.


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## mea_3

First of all I'm sorry your in this spot. But, honestly, if your H is an alcoholic the only way he is going to get better is if HE wants to. There is plenty of help available to him and even support for you such as a group called alanon. But, as I mentioned HE has to be willing to take the first step. Do you think he can do that?


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## Hispetal

Thanks mea. No, I highly doubt it - because his first step will have to be ADMITTING there's a problem. How can he turn to help if he won't own up to problem? I've attempted to even begin telling him about things from my perspective, and he either changes the subject, or diverts the excuse for his behavior on his work. "I just need to unwind, its been so stressfull," he says. Well, his unwinding with alcohol is MUCH more than he's owning up to. I try to continue the conversation but he gets SO defensive! 

I've considered talking to one of his best friends about things, but I'm afraid that may blow up in my face. They are too close, and I don't know if it would be valuable. 

He might take the first step, but he has to come clean and *admit there IS a probelm*. I can tell him there's problems and cite examples, but then he throws it back at me and says I don't understand him. I in turn tell him I want to understand him, and then he says he doesn't want to talk about it. GRRRR ! *sigh*


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## mea_3

Hispetal said:


> Thanks mea. No, I highly doubt it - because his first step will have to be ADMITTING there's a problem. How can he turn to help if he won't own up to problem? I've attempted to even begin telling him about things from my perspective, and he either changes the subject, or diverts the excuse for his behavior on his work. "I just need to unwind, its been so stressfull," he says. Well, his unwinding with alcohol is MUCH more than he's owning up to. I try to continue the conversation but he gets SO defensive!
> 
> I've considered talking to one of his best friends about things, but I'm afraid that may blow up in my face. They are too close, and I don't know if it would be valuable.
> 
> He might take the first step, but he has to come clean and *admit there IS a probelm*. I can tell him there's problems and cite examples, but then he throws it back at me and says I don't understand him. I in turn tell him I want to understand him, and then he says he doesn't want to talk about it. GRRRR ! *sigh*



Your welcome and know that I feel for you. It sounds to me like he is very much in denial, and that's a big part of substance abuse. It's so much easier for the addict to deny the issue and place the blame on other's rather than deal with it head on. Have you ever heard of alanon? It's a great support group for those who live with an alcoholic. Try and find a local chapter in your area.. you really need some support. Hang in there.


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## sosadmom_wife

kbjg1254 said:


> Been sober in AA for 7 1/2 years. I too thought I was a 'functioning alcoholic'. Had the job, $, nice house, etc. I had no idea how much I was missing out on and how much happier I would be if I had a way of controlling my racing brain and anxiety other than alcohol.QUOTE]
> 
> There is a part of every "functioning alcoholic" described in this thread can be applied to my husband, but something really struck me about the "racing brain and anxiety" comment you made. My husband came home from a weekend in Vegas 2 years ago with friends and told me on the way home from the airport that he was sure he was an alcoholic and depressed. He proceeded that week to get some counseling. He was diagnosed as bipolar and was put on medication. He stopped drinking for about a week, maybe more and I was so relieved. He tells me that he has a racing brain and calls it his "monster". I have no idea what that means and he can't describe it to me. But I would like to know how you learned to control your racing brain and anxiety without alcohol?!?
> And then, of course, a social event came up and he told me that he was going to have a couple of drinks - that he could totally control it. Well, as you might guess, he has pretty much drank every day since then. He has also since gone off the meds he received that day after his confession, and stopped seeing the counselor. He is successful and makes great money which allows me to stay home with our two very young daughters, but he interacts with us for about 10 minutes in the mornings during the week, and spends most weekend days with us, running some errands and sometimes taking our 2 year old to do something fun while I stay home with our newborn. Every day I am responsible for 100% of the child care, he unhappily goes to work (says it is killing his soul), leaves work at 5pm, goes to the bar, sits and drinks and stares at the TV until about 8 or 9 or later at night, then comes home, has a beer or two on the patio and then comes to bed. That is my life - alone, raising two little girls. And on top of it all, we are 2000 miles from any family and I haven't made great friends here with whom I really connect. Even if I did, I don't know if I could admit to what my situation really is here. AND, I am scared to have any friends come to visit - as they'll see the reality of how I'm raising my girls by myself with no help and my husband spends every free moment at the bar by himself. I cannot believe my life has come to this. My father was an incredible man who rolled into the house every evening at 6pm, helped with the dishes, helped us with our homework, and helped put us to bed. I hoped for much of the same happy home that I had growing up, but it seems as if I have a reality that I never imagined possible. I would love to go attend some meetings for support, but when? What would I do with my kids? There is no one to watch them.
> 
> And then I wonder about what people have mentioned - showing him the "bottom"? Like what? If I give him an ultimatum (ie, I'm leaving, going home to my family and taking the girls with me) maybe then he'll finally understand what he's doing to me?
> 
> Any insight someone can provide me would be appreciated!! I really don't know what to do anymore.


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## AllScrewedUp

I fully understand what you are going through. Just a few years ago i remarried for the second time. While we were dating my husband would drink what seemed to be socially to me. Not long after we married the drinking was heavier than what i had imagined. I caught him sneaking hard alcohol in the basement, and taking extra drinks before we would go out for the evening. It has gotten worse in a very short amount of time. He spends about $500 a month on alcohol. My husband had a wonderful sense of humor but over the past year i can honestly say he has been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me, mainly because of the alcohol and i don't find much about him appleaing anymore. I did not want this in my life either. He has ruined us emotionally and financially over his denial and lying about what he does. I recently gave him an ultimatium, the drinking either stops or our marriage does. I will not go under emotionally or financially because "he" has unresolved issues. I told him i would go through counseling with him, and see where that leads our marriage, but i feel i am the only one that can control my destiny and happiness at this point. You deserve the same in your life too.


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## Recovered

Note: The following is my personal opinion only, supported fully by my own experience.

As has been mentioned several times in this thread.....finding an Al-Anon group and attending meetings can be a great relief for someone who's living with an alcoholic. Some Al-Anon meetings (just like AA meetings) tend to be populated with people who are still living in the problem. Find another meeting until you find a group populated with people who are doing the work and living the way as prescribed in the Al-Anon and AA literature. Get a sponsor. Work the 12 steps thoroughly. Peace, joy and happiness like you've never known ARE possible even in your current situation(s).

Now, on to my own wealth of experience...alcoholism itself. It is a disease. Many people (myself included in the past) pay lip service to this statement - "it's a disease" - but it truly is one. Once I came to understand that fully, I was able to recover. Many problem drinkers feel that they can somehow get control of it, that someday they'll figure it out and drink like normal, or they'll quit altogether. They find that they cannot. Without getting too wordy....here are a handful of links that explain it more fully:

Physical: A.A. History - The Phenomenon of Craving

Mental: Mental Obsession of Alcoholism

Spiritual: A.A. Recovery - The Missing Piece: The Spiritual Malady

In my own experience, I would promise to quit....it was affecting my professional life, my personal life, my self esteem, and destroying my marriage and family. I could see this. Everybody could see this. I was earnest to my core when making these promises....and yet I would find myself unable to keep it. It took the realization on my own that I couldn't go on like this anymore (by being beaten down to the point of being ready to give up my life by alcohol) that got me to seek help (again). It was when the principles above were explained to me that I understood that there was a reason I could never keep those promises - because I had a disease of the mind, body and spirit that made keeping such a promise impossible. I wasn't a bad person, or a weak man....though I'd done bad things and hurt people in every area of my life. 

Understanding it this way.....and going to AA meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps as described in the big book of AA I have been able to recover from alcoholism. It has become part of my life and I experience and enjoy life on a level that I never, ever thought possible. Maintaining that recovery is a matter of living by a set of basic spiritual principles as defined in the AA literature. I'd invite anyone who's interested to read it. The entire book is available online. The first 164 pages are widely considered to be the 'solution to alcoholism'.

A.A. Big Book

I don't have all the answers, but I do have my own experience. PM me if I can be of any help.

Mike


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## larniegrl

I'm glad I found this thread...

My denial of trouble with my husband's drinking has finally come to the light. You can read my last thread to see how things have progressed the the last month. I came home after being separated for 3 weeks with him promising to 1. stop drinking completely, and 2. we would go see a counselor. 

We had a really good discussion/argument about our specific feelings/hurts regarding the last 3 years of marriage. I heard from him some specific things that I needed to work on, and I was able to convey to him how his drinking made me feel. He honestly thinks he doesn't have a problem. I pointed out the monthly blackouts in memory, driving after a few drinks/or drunk, being drunk 2-3 times a week and us having no emotionally intimate relationship. He at this point told me that he heard what I was saying, but truly feels that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol.

He said that he would wait until we met with the counselor and then he would start drinking beer again. I am at loss of what to do. We met with the counselor today, and he verbalized again that this was his intention. I don't know what to do...on one hand we are seeing someone about helping our marriage. On the other, he is violating his word (which he rarely does) by starting to drink again. 

Should I rethink my stipulations and just wait/watch to see what happens? Or should I pack my stuff again and leave? He does not think he has a problem, and I know that NOTHING I say/do will make up his mind to change...I can only fix myself, but I am married to this man and commitment does mean everything. I don't want to watch him slowly kill himself, and our relationship because he "doesn't think he has a problem."


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## dobo

He won't see it until he believes it.

I'm afraid you've no choice but to leave. You don't have to divorce him (yet). But I think you do need to leave.


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## larniegrl

My head says you are right, but my heart wants to hold on. Strange how most things in life are like this. He has yet to start back to drinking, but to quote him "its just something I do." It is only a matter of time, but I have to keep trying and wait it out to see what happens. The boundaries is VERY stark...if he drinks, I leave. I wish it didn't have to be an ultimatum...


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## dobo

I know. You can have compassion for him and yet detach from him. My mother lived with an alcoholic for OMG, a million years, so I know what it is like. She detached but stayed. I would have gladly lived through a divorce and having less money to get away from him. I still harbor some resentment that she didn't leave and take us away from the situation. He *may* have had a chance then. Instead, we all suffered.


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## larniegrl

It is true...I've watched friends/co-workers around me in similar situations and I do not want to be like them and their marriage after staying with an alcoholic for 20+ years. I don't want to watch him slowly kill his health. I don't want to bring children into this. I don't want to watch our marriage fall apart because of addiction. I want to salvage the love that remains right now and move forward toward healing.

I've told him all this, and he still doesn't see it. He will have to hit rock-bottom before he decides that hiding the hurt/stress/pain of life with alcohol doesn't work...and I am not going to sleep in the same bed and watch him hit the bottom. Hopefully he will stop drinking for me...but that is a little unrealistic. 

The crazy thing is that this addiction has cause multiple other problems too. No communication, emotional intimacy or friendship. He doesn't see this. I picked him up after he dropped off his car (non-emergent) this AM, (I work 7p-7a shifts) and he proceeded to talk on his phone trying to find parts, and sitting silently the whole way home...even after I tried to initiate conversation, I got a one-word answer. It really pissed me off. Here we are giving this relationship a try again, and when he asked me what was wrong when we finally got home and I was pretty pissed at this point...I told him (usually I use the "nothing" or "i'm tired" excuse because I don't want to argue). I told him that I felt he was insensitive to my feelings and being a little bit of an a**hole to not say more than one word to me and then talk on his phone all the way home after I went out of my way to pick him up with one of his errands. He stammered about four words and then said "F**k you!" and left.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I know I could have approached him better, but come on...be an adult. It doesn't take that much to communicate, just ask how the other persons day was...how they are feeling...if they are tired or hungry or etc. Sorry for the vent...but thanks for reading.


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## LilyBug

I have been looking all over the net for awhile and finally found this site! I thought that I was all alone in this situation. I am 26 y/o and have been married 3 months. My husband and I were college sweethearts. We lived together for 3 years before we married. He is in the medical field and was taught all about alcoholism and drinking, yet he still does it. Just like the rest of you have said "he thinks he doesnt have a problem." He works night shift from 7p-7a about 3 or 4 nights a week. I work 5 days a week from 8a-4:30p. If he has a day off, I come home to him usually still alseep or laying on the couch watching tv. He RARELY does ANY house work. I take the dogs outside( we have 3), cut the grass, trim the hedges, power wash the house, paint, and all the inside chores as well. Occasionally he will weed-eat or "do a load" of laundry. That basically consists of him putting about 3 items in the washer and leaving it sit to mildew for 2 or 3 days until it is time for me to wash larger loads. He will lay on the couch until I have supper cooked (which is usually a fight in itself b/c he doesnt "like" the choices for dinner). He will come get his plate and go bcak to the living room to eat. I sit in the kitchen at the island. He will lay on the couch the rest of the evening until I go to bed. Then he will move into the floor, turn on the XBOX and grab his 1.75 of whiskey, the chaser (usually an energy drink), his can of skoal and play until about 4 or 5 in the morning. Then he pours himself into bed (if he doesnt pass out in the living room) and try to talk to me, usually he doesnt make since, or try to have sex with me or something else equally annoying at 5am considering that I get up at 6am for work. Then the next morning will start all over again repeating what happened the previous day and night. When he goes to work, I am happier and feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I am beginning to detest him. I love him more than anything and want our marriage to work. All of our parents are divorced. 

If we go out, I will not drink more when we get home b/c it is usually late at night. He will stay up like he is a teenager and do the nightly game deal. We have season tickets to the football games of the univeristy here but i dont want to go with him. If he just drinks beer then he is fun to be around, when the liquor starts it goes down hill soo fast. He turns into a totally diffferent person and I am embarrassed to be seen with him when he acts like that. He says that he wouldnt drink if we did more things together, but when i try to do those things he doesnt want too. If i leave to go to the gym, he says that I leave him alone and he gets bored so he drinks. 

We are newly weds and have only have sex about 5 times in three months. This is not normal for 26 y/o newlyweds i know! I feel like i am truly beginning to hate him and I dont want to. I want this to work but I truly do see that he will ever admit that he has a problem.

Sorry this is soo long, it is my first time on here and I had a lot to get out


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## Iamfrustrated

Hello. I am in the same situation but I haven't slept with my husband for years. I just can't get past the smell and really the sex isn't what it used to be. We have been married for 10 years and his whole life seems to be about his motorcycle, making and drinking beer and doing his own thing. I barely feel like we are married at all. We have and 8 eight year old daughter together that is the light of my life. I have mentioned the drinking to him on several occasions, but as you said with your husband, he just gets all angry and pissy and can't recall the conversation the next day. It sucks! I am only working part time so I can't afford to give him the "quit or we are leaving" talk just now so I just put up with it. Don't get me wrong I do still love him it just seems that there is so much between us that there is barely an us anymore. It makes me very sad. The house also smells like crap, literally, his liver isn't working the way that it should anymore. I have talked to him about that too but he just says that I am lying and goes and takes a shower and rinses his mouth with mouthwash. That smell altogether almost makes me feel like vomiting. Sad but true. I hope that you can work things out! Good luck. Remember that you are important too!! Sometimes I think that we forget that because we are trying to "fix" everything and we seem to put ourselves aside to get it done. I just think that the are are some journeys that can't be shared but we continue to hang on because we still love them. Again good luck. Love and light...


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## Freak On a Leash

So how long does it take for an alcoholic to literally kill himself with constantly drinking? I mean CONSTANTLY? Then add constantly smoking to the mix...


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## Runs like Dog

Couple of years, depending on other health issues. Acute liver failure often results in an arterial aneurysm in the esophagus if the drinker really pounds it down. A bit slower and the cause of death can be liver failure, kidney failure, stroke, throat cancer. But it all depends. By grandmother was a chain smoking drunk and a drug addict till age 80 when an aortic dissection killed her. My cousin dropped dead from alcoholism at 25.


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## Sadie

I know the feeling, I'm married to an alcoholic. I'm 38 years old and have been with my husband for going on 22 years on July 1, 2011. But I have been separated for a year and a half. Once a week I go and visit my husband at the house and I take our 15 year old son over to stay for a week or two. We have a 17 year old daughter as well, she doesn't like her father because of the way he's treated her in the past. She say's he's never been like a father, he's more like a mean brother who picks on her all of the time which is very true. My husband has been a fulfledged alcoholic for 25 years straight, he wakes drinking and goes to bed drinking. It's no fun living with an alcoholic, he can keep a job and work just fine because his body is so used to being wasted it's the way he is. But his blackouts and his loss of memory has really hurt the family. If he stops his drinking he will have dt's and it will cause death. I have done alot of reading about alcoholism and it's an awful thing a family has to live with. I'm verbally abused as well as the children, the mental scaring it has caused is severe and it's like being stabbed over and over again. It causes anger amongst the entire family including the alcoholic. I hope that things get better for you and your family. He will always get pissy with you and it's very hard to get through to an alcoholic. They will never listen, all they want to do is drag you down with them. I really do feel for you, I know how much it hurts. It's so sad to have to live your life this way, I truely know because I've lived it for 22 years. Your best bet is to separate from him even though you love him. I love my husband very much and I can't do anything but keep a distance and pray for him. He says I hurt him, but the truth is he's hurt me and the children and I don't think the scars will ever heal.


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## Runs like Dog

It's like the old joke. When I was a kid our favorite day of the year was mom's birthday because she was too drunk to beat us.


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## Freak On a Leash

Sadie said:


> My husband has been a fulfledged alcoholic for 25 years straight, he wakes drinking and goes to bed drinking. It's no fun living with an alcoholic, he can keep a job and work just fine because his body is so used to being wasted it's the way he is. But his blackouts and his loss of memory has really hurt the family. If he stops his drinking he will have dt's and it will cause death. I have done alot of reading about alcoholism and it's an awful thing a family has to live with.
> 
> I'm verbally abused as well as the children, the mental scaring it has caused is severe and it's like being stabbed over and over again. It causes anger amongst the entire family including the alcoholic. I hope that things get better for you and your family. He will always get pissy with you and it's very hard to get through to an alcoholic. They will never listen, all they want to do is drag you down with them. I really do feel for you, I know how much it hurts. It's so sad to have to live your life this way, I truely know because I've lived it for 22 years. Your best bet is to separate from him even though you love him. I love my husband very much and I can't do anything but keep a distance and pray for him. He says I hurt him, but the truth is he's hurt me and the children and I don't think the scars will ever heal.


:iagree: Yep, I will have been married 22 years this coming May. This past July my husband started drinking. In August he went to detox/rehab and by October he was drinking again. End of November I moved out with the kids and got my own apartment with them. 

My husband doesn't work. Over the summer, he almost destroyed our family business and stopped working altogether this past November. After Thanksgiving he went to live in his father's house with the idea of taking care of his 90 year old invalid father. Then his father died in his sleep this past January so now he lives off the money his father left him. He sits on the porch drinking and smoking constantly, from dawn until he falls asleep. He's already fallen and knocked himself out once. If he stops drinking he gets sick and panic stricken so he's physically addicted as well. He functions well enough in that he keeps the house clean and does errands but his days are othewise spent napping and puttering around the house. He feels he has "earned" the right to be this way and blames me for everything that has happened. If we start to talk about the "situation" the verbal abuse comes fast and furious so now I avoid talking to him about anything serious. 

Everything you say is true. I can't imagine having gone through this for 25 years. The last 9 months were enough. I see my husband regularly and he's pleasant enough as long as we don't have any deep conversations. I tried "dating" him and having fun with him but it didn't work so now I keep our visits short and sweet. I only call when it concerns our son or my stopping over his house for an errand. 

He sees my 13 year old son every weekend. My 16 year old daughter wants nothing to do with him. I'm just glad I was able to get a place of my own and get my kids out of the nightmare we were living in. It's a blessed relief to be free of it and my kids and I live peacefully in our own place. My husband doesn't like to come to my apartment because I don't want him to sit outside and drink and smoke like he does at his house. 

I don't know what will happen to my husband. He says he will do rehab "when he is ready". I've given up on trying to get him to go. Part of me has no hope that it'll do anything lasting anyway. 

One thing you learn quickly is that there is no helping an alcoholic. You can only save yourself by putting as much distance between him and you. They have to help themselves and from what I've seen a lot never do. I still love my husband but I have no hope that he'll ever get better. 

And you're right. It's no fun living with an alcoholic. In the beginning we actually did have some good times but in the last few months the light in his eyes has faded and the man who enjoyed life so much is fading away. I feel like Padme watching Anakin Skywalker turning into Darth Vader.


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## trrbl

I can really relate to what many of you are saying and feeling. My husband is a high functioning alcoholic. He is completely detached from his family. He is completely non-communicative about anything of substance, choosing rather to share a funny commercial with me or tell me the latest sale items at the store. He is hard-working, quiet, and typically not combative, preferring instead to drink himself into oblivion every night then stagger to bed. We've been married 8 years and I feel like he is a total stranger. There is no more intimacy, no friendship. He comes home, talks about something trivial or nothing at all, then sits down and watches old movies and drinks. We have a son and I feel like my husband doesn't spend any time with him. Lately I've becoming more and more resentful, bitter, angry. We've fought the last few days and I said a lot of mean, hateful things, many of which I feel bad about but at the same time I do feel that way. I know I'm not a bad person, but this relationship is toxic to me, bringing out so much hurt and disapointment and the worst in me. I asked him to move out for a while and he said no. I feel so trapped, and am worried that my son will grow up resentful and become an alcoholic. I keep hearing from you folks that "I didn't sign up for this". That's what I've been thinking for years. I went to a counselor, but I don't think it helped. My husband really doesn't think there is a problem. I wish I knew what the right thing was for my son who is so young - to stop expecting from this guy and go on with my life the best I can, or leave. If I leave, then my son will be stuck with him every other week I'm sure, and that would be unhealthy too, as his dad will just ignore him and stick him in front of the TV until it is bedtime so he can drink away.


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