# IJustWanttoBeAlive



## GoingThroughTheMotions (6 mo ago)

Over 10
years ago, after a tumultuous breakup, I met and married the Mother of my children whom I cared for but did not love as one should love another when entering into marriage.

After the breakup, and honestly before, I was lost. I was in my mid-twenties and fearful I would never meet someone, get married, and have children and thought of this commitment as my last opportunity. The relationship was going well until one of her family members shared that my girlfriend, now Wife was questioning my commitment as I had yet to propose, which I was not ready for but did shortly after, out of fear. 

Over the years, I have and continue to have difficulty showing any emotion towards her resulting in heartwrenching fights, verbally brutal arguments, and constant disagreements that continue to plague our family.

At times, many times, we have contemplated divorce but she is indescribably petrified to be alone and 
I worry that from some of the comments she has made that she could not handle it. As the years went on, and our children were born I pushed those feelings down until last year when she suffered a miscarriage and I realized, there was nothing to keep those feelings from resurfacing and told her I didn't love her and I am not sure I ever did. I also took off my wedding ring which I haven't worn for months now. I thought that would be the end of us, but to my astonishment, it wasn't. 

For the past year or more we have been sleeping separately and have been emotionally and physically disconnected. I have told her that she deserves so much better and should allow herself the opportunity to be happy but she is so afraid of what others will say, including her family, that she refuses to consider separation. I have tried to reassure her that regardless, our lives will be intertwined forever and I will always be there for her and my children both emotionally and financially and that we will work together to parent and amicably split everything, but still, she declines to even consider separation as an option.

My Wife is a great person, she is extremely kind, she is a wonderful Mother, and does everything she can for our children and our family but she deserves so much better than me and most importantly, she deserves happiness. 

How can I help her see this? Or should I just surrender and continue to endure this mundane lifeless purgatory, as it stems from my selfishness?

Help. I need brutally honest feedback.

Thanks


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Be careful what you wish for. But my opinion since you break her heart every day, I’d go just divorce and move on and let her heal.

And when you want her back, I hopeshe doesn’t take you back. Just sayin.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Most likely the problem is within you, not the relationship. I don't know you, but it looks like one of those cases where after a short while of having dumped your wife you'll get it, and would want her back, but it would be too late. Or you're right, you shouldn't have ever married her. You have destroyed her world, but you keep cowardly staying.

You know she doesn't need to agreed to divorce, you just go to your lawyer and file. There's nothing she can do about it, divorce will be granted by the courts. 

Not that it matters anymore, way too late, but I just can't understand people that don't have the balls, the conviction, the fortitude, to just say NO.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So she’s definitely the one wanting to stay together? Is this really true that she 100% wants to be married to a person that doesn’t find her attractive, doesn’t love her, and doesn’t sleep in in the same room? Why haven’t YOU left. Please note, you’re giving HER reasons for not having left. What is your voice here. Are you too worried about what her family will think? Because believe me, her nearest and dearest also would have seen how you behave around her, around them and so on. So they know anyway you weren’t into her even if she never uttered a word.

So you’re talking a lot about your feelings, but not your actions. You feel this, but what steps have you taken to get this public? What steps has she taken in her life to try and leave you? 

I understand your honesty and you did mention the lack of attraction has led to many fights and talk of divorce etc.

I see that you’re currently painting it as HER not wanting to let go. But why did you continue to stay during each of these blow ups? And keep having kids? I am surprised actually, that she’s wanted to stay married? I know of many similar situations where one spouse wasn’t attracted, but insisted on keeping that spouse around and also having more children. Taking of not being attracted, wanting to divorce, but suddenly making a large purchase or having another child USUALLY when the not-loved spouse speaks up yet again to say, ‘you’re just not into me are you?’

Yes, it’s like the cycle you describe, the other party speaks up because they just KNOW their husband or wife is not connecting emotionally, not wanting to spend time, not into sex and all the other signs. Fights ensue because the lying spouse (lying to everyone really) rants and raves and deflects, but doesn’t actually come out and tell the truth. Or if they do, they back out at the divorce discussion. Discussion of divorce happens, and they usually don’t follow through. And shockingly, they throw a few crumbs because they don’t actually want to let the person go. Standard story really!

What are your plans moving forward? What is stopping you from leaving? (Try not to mention her at all. Try to write a post all about what is stopping you, this is a great help to get it onto paper so to speak, so that you can look for solutions and blockages when you read back. Try to say ‘me’ ‘I’ when answering, it really gives you a real perspective)


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

“My Wife is a great person, she is extremely kind, she is a wonderful Mother, and does everything she can for our children and our family but she deserves so much better than me and most importantly, she deserves happiness.”

This was very telling btw. The person you describe is probably very proactive, responsible and all-round secure and confident. So I mentioned above, that I could be certain that she had tried more than once to end this. Really, no-one wants to be chained to someone that doesn’t like them and is a ball of emptiness and cold misery. So be very honest, have you fed her some crumbs here or there? As you did self-describe yourself as selfish. It’s admirable that you can be honest here. Have you been absolutely honest with her? And also… with us? We are here to help and you did ask for Brutal feedback. It would be a lovely outcome for both of you to be free and happy in the end after all.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You seem like a nice person who does not want to be the source of somebody else's pain. That's sweet but it's cruel to be kind. You are staying out of loyalty not love & you are both miserable. Break ups, including divorce, default to the one who wants out. It's time to cut the cord. Be fair & as civil as possible. No need to be cruel or inflict financial pain but get out already.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You were too gutless to deal with this issue upfront years ago and now all you have done is distort her life as well. If you were any type of man at all you would set her free to start healing and find someone that can give her the love she needs. You are nothing but a dead end no matter how much you think you are doing the right thing by staying……..I mean too scared to leave.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

So you married a woman that you didn't love so you could wreck her life. But that wasn't good enough, you had babies with her so you could wreck their lives too.

You owe it to your kids to make their lives the absolute best possible. That means putting your selfish interests aside and being a good father until they turn 18, then you can do what you want. Shuffling them back and forth with 50/50 custody is not in their best interest. You made this mess. Be a man and accept the consequences.


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## GoingThroughTheMotions (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Be careful what you wish for. But my opinion since you break her heart every day, I’d go just divorce and move on and let her heal.
> 
> And when you want her back, I hopeshe doesn’t take you back. Just sayin.


Thank you for your comment.

You're absolutely right. Why would she want to be with me, when all I do is break her heart? Most individuals would have kicked me out, and moved on.

And to your 2nd comment, you're also right. I hope if that ever happens, that she slams the door in my face, well-deserved.


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## GoingThroughTheMotions (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Most likely the problem is within you, not the relationship. I don't know you, but it looks like one of those cases where after a short while of having dumped your wife you'll get it, and would want her back, but it would be too late. Or you're right, you shouldn't have ever married her. You have destroyed her world, but you keep cowardly staying.
> 
> You know she doesn't need to agreed to divorce, you just go to your lawyer and file. There's nothing she can do about it, divorce will be granted by the courts.
> 
> Not that it matters anymore, way too late, but I just can't understand people that don't have the balls, the conviction, the fortitude, to just say NO.


Thank you for your honesty.

You're not wrong, I am the problem. I married and had children with a woman I have never been in love with, and I am the coward that continues to idly sit by imposing this lifeless and emotionally destitute atmosphere on our family.

Although it's not an excuse, I am worried from things that she has said about her concerns about being alone and never finding someone to love her. 

Regardless, I should have the balls to end it.

And I agree with you as well, If I ever realize I made a mistake and come crawling back, I hope she slams the door in my face.


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## GoingThroughTheMotions (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> So she’s definitely the one wanting to stay together? Is this really true that she 100% wants to be married to a person that doesn’t find her attractive, doesn’t love her, and doesn’t sleep in in the same room? Why haven’t YOU left. Please note, you’re giving HER reasons for not having left. What is your voice here. Are you too worried about what her family will think? Because believe me, her nearest and dearest also would have seen how you behave around her, around them and so on. So they know anyway you weren’t into her even if she never uttered a word.
> 
> So you’re talking a lot about your feelings, but not your actions. You feel this, but what steps have you taken to get this public? What steps has she taken in her life to try and leave you?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comments.

Yes as hard to believe as it is, she wants to stay married. She says that she would never find someone who would love or could live with her. 

As I shared, I told her everything in my post and even now when we get into arguments, I ask her why are you still with? Why do you stay? and she gives me the same reasoning. I have tried to reassure her that it will be an amicable split of money, property, and I will make sure she nor the kids ever want for anything, even if I have to get another job, however, nothing I say matters. As I said, I haven't worn a wedding ring in years and we sleep apart.

To put it on paper. I have not left because I am afraid of the outcome for both her and my kids.

She is a very emotionally charged and irrational person that could do anything if this were to all implode aka divorce. She has threatened that she wouldn't be able to make it alone and that she would just quit her job and live on the street or with her mother, which may be even more detrimental as she and her now deceased father basically forbid our relationship/marriage and would be more than happy to say I told you so.

When you suggest I use "I" I am a coward and don't have the balls to walk away. I need to know she'll be ok.


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## GoingThroughTheMotions (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> “My Wife is a great person, she is extremely kind, she is a wonderful Mother, and does everything she can for our children and our family but she deserves so much better than me and most importantly, she deserves happiness.”
> 
> This was very telling btw. The person you describe is probably very proactive, responsible and all-round secure and confident. So I mentioned above, that I could be certain that she had tried more than once to end this. Really, no-one wants to be chained to someone that doesn’t like them and is a ball of emptiness and cold misery. So be very honest, have you fed her some crumbs here or there? As you did self-describe yourself as selfish. It’s admirable that you can be honest here. Have you been absolutely honest with her? And also… with us? We are here to help and you did ask for Brutal feedback. It would be a lovely outcome for both of you to be free and happy in the end after all.


Thanks for your response.

I say those things because she is a kind person, who does support our family, and most-importantly, deserves to be happy, however, she is the exact opposite of the person, you described. She lacks self confidence and is not proactive nor secure.

I honestly do not believe I am leading her on but I could be wrong. I have told her face to face, I was not in love with her when we were married and didn't want to get married but felt pressured from both her and her sister, and naively thought love would come,. but it never did. I stopped sleeping in the same bed and took off my wedding ring, other than walking out the door, I am not sure what else to say or do. 

As I have said in previous replies, I am a coward and need to know she'll be ok. I agree with you, it would be best for this to end and for both of us to move on.


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## GoingThroughTheMotions (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> You seem like a nice person who does not want to be the source of somebody else's pain. That's sweet but it's cruel to be kind. You are staying out of loyalty not love & you are both miserable. Break ups, including divorce, default to the one who wants out. It's time to cut the cord. Be fair & as civil as possible. No need to be cruel or inflict financial pain but get out already.


Thank you for your comments.

That's kind of you to say, but it the furthest thing from the truth, if I were a nice person, I wouldn't be in this situation.

You're right, we should amicably split on decent terms. I have tried to reassure her that there will be no fighting or disputes over money, property, or the kids, and I will make sure she and the kids never want for anything, even if I have to get a second job, but nothing I say matters..nothing. 

She says it's easier to stay together...I just don't get it, but one thing I do know, is that when she finally realizes the mistake she made, she is going to hate and resent me for not just leaving.


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## GoingThroughTheMotions (6 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> You were too gutless to deal with this issue upfront years ago and now all you have done is distort her life as well. If you were any type of man at all you would set her free to start healing and find someone that can give her the love she needs. You are nothing but a dead end no matter how much you think you are doing the right thing by staying……..I mean too scared to leave.


Thank you for your honest remarks.

You're not wrong, I am a spineless coward. I am responsible for ruining her life and will probably be responsible for ruining my children's lives, as this lifeless and emotionless purgatory, is the image of marriage that will be embedded in their minds.

I know I'm not doing the right thing but before I take this step, I need to know she'll be ok.


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## GoingThroughTheMotions (6 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> So you married a woman that you didn't love so you could wreck her life. But that wasn't good enough, you had babies with her so you could wreck their lives too.
> 
> You owe it to your kids to make their lives the absolute best possible. That means putting your selfish interests aside and being a good father until they turn 18, then you can do what you want. Shuffling them back and forth with 50/50 custody is not in their best interest. You made this mess. Be a man and accept the consequences.


Thanks for your comments.

Yes, I am not denying, that is exactly what I did and you're right, I made this mess and should be a man and accept the consequences of my actions.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

“ I also took off my wedding ring which I haven't worn for months now.”

“As I said, I haven’t worn my wedding ring in years”.

Which one is a lie and which is the truth?

I’m not sure I can help much more than point out some discrepancies. All the best.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Have you remained faithful while sleeping apart? Do you already have a new partner in mind?

And when you speak of your wife’s irrationality, what about the msn who’s not in love with a woman but marries her and has kids, the latter of which casts an indelible mark on your wife that she might see (rightfully so) as limiting her options going forward? Can she really be free to love someone else while there’s a permanent connection to you? Sure, some could, but you’re making it clear your wife isn’t one of them, so you offering her “freedom” to find someone who truly loves her is worse than illusory, it’s a lie.

I don’t have an answer for you, but at the very least I’d go through some counseling, both individual (for both of you) and as a couple. There are specialists that deal with contemplating divorce and she needs to know what’s ahead for her, as well as the type of person you are.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

GoingThroughTheMotions said:


> she is indescribably petrified to be alone and
> I worry that from some of the comments she has made that she could not handle it.


Then don't leave her alone. 

Your wish to split up is for your own benefit. It wouldn't benefit her or the children. Your thread title is "I just want..." in other words this is about what YOU want. 

Figure out for yourself how you can be fully alive and experience all your emotions.


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## GoingThroughTheMotions (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> “ I also took off my wedding ring which I haven't worn for months now.”
> 
> “As I said, I haven’t worn my wedding ring in years”.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your additional comments.

That was an oversight on my part, years is correct.

I appreciate your feedback thus far, it is very helpful to hear other's perspectives.


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## GoingThroughTheMotions (6 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> Then don't leave her alone.
> 
> Your wish to split up is for your own benefit. It wouldn't benefit her or the children. Your thread title is "I just want..." in other words this is about what YOU want.
> 
> Figure out for yourself how you can be fully alive and experience all your emotions.


Thanks for your comments.

You're right, the only person my departure would benefit, is me and I am undeserving.

I have made a mess of three lives and need to forget about what I want, but there is also a part of me that feels selfish because she deserves someone that will love her the way that she deserves to be loved.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Your wife knew you weren't into her? Nevertheless, she fancied getting married to you and did? Who does that?
She sleeps with you knowing you aren't into her? Wow, why would I want to get touched and touch someone who doesn't want that from me??? OH WAIT! Hold on!!! Rapist do... not saying she is one... but she has a similar attitude kind of. She puts her desire over someone elses desire. 
Now she is threatening you, she won't be o.k. without you. That is emotional abuse.
People with borderline personality dissorder or worse do such things.
Is she a borderliner?
Do you suffer from it too? Therefore you feel empty and not alive? 

No one is perfect. you should stop pretending she is the nicest person on earth and you are the bad guy. She has clearly some issues. Otherwise she wouldn't try to 'force' you to fall in love with her or whatever her plan was. That is not nice and has nothing to do when loving someone. If you love someone you let them go, if they want to, because you want them to be happy.

You both need to grow up and take responsibility for what you've done and the consequences.
You both make each others live miserable.

Maybe you can get therapy.

But don't think I feel sorry for you. Your own fault you got into this. But many people marry other then out of love. So be it. It sounds pathetic, but life ain't no fairy tail. 

But you both are responsible, if she knew what was going on before she let you put a ring on her finger.

And how terrible to tell her you don't want her after she had a miscarriage. 
Just seperate and get psychological assistance.

This os a relationahip of selfharm. Nothing good will come out of this, if you stay together.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

GoingThroughTheMotions said:


> I ... need to forget about what I want


That's the bit where I disagree. Before you fix anything else, you need to figure out what you want, how to be alive, not "mundane and lifeless". It's time for you to wake up.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I disagree. You leaving would benefit your wife. What you’re doing is all it’s doubtless causing her to suffer daily with no end in sight. You are setting your wife up to feel hopelessness for years, and that is dangerous in my opinion. She’s already mentioned suicide. What you’re doing is killing her.
And taking your wedding ring off is only for one reason: because you’re hoping some woman to approach you thinking you’re not married. 
Probably hoping someone will come along and give you someone you can monkey branch to because YOU like to have the ego boost of a loving, caring wife in order to feel good about yourself. 
You’re not staying for her. You’re staying for you. Both you and your wife need some professional help. That’s not an insult, that’s just an opinion that might help.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> “My Wife is a great person, she is extremely kind, she is a wonderful Mother, and does everything she can for our children and our family but she deserves so much better than me and most importantly, she deserves happiness.”
> 
> This was very telling btw. The person you describe is probably very proactive, responsible and all-round secure and confident. So I mentioned above, that I could be certain that she had tried more than once to end this. Really, no-one wants to be chained to someone that doesn’t like them and is a ball of emptiness and cold misery. So be very honest, have you fed her some crumbs here or there? As you did self-describe yourself as selfish. It’s admirable that you can be honest here. Have you been absolutely honest with her? And also… with us? We are here to help and you did ask for Brutal feedback. It would be a lovely outcome for both of you to be free and happy in the end after all.


So, do you doubt that she is afraid to be alone and is fighting separation/divorce as the OP stated? I do not understand what you are getting at. 

The idea that one spouse's reaction would be to cling to the marriage in the face of the other spouse expressing dissatisfaction, or the ILYBINILWY speech is very common.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

GoingThroughTheMotions said:


> My Wife is a great person, she is extremely kind, she is a wonderful Mother, and does everything she can for our children and our family but she deserves so much better than me and most importantly, she deserves happiness.


You are just looking for some validation that its ok to leave because you are doing it for her benefit instead of yours - BS. If you really believed that you would not be be considering it in the first place. But if that is how you feel just go and do not drag things out because the longer it goes on the more painful it becomes. However, the grass is not always greener somewhere else which you might find out later in life.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

uwe.blab said:


> The idea that one spouse's reaction would be to cling to the marriage in the face of the other spouse expressing dissatisfaction, or the ILYBINILWY speech is very common.


You got that right. Very common and totally fruitless.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

uwe.blab said:


> So, do you doubt that she is afraid to be alone and is fighting separation/divorce as the OP stated? I do not understand what you are getting at.
> 
> The idea that one spouse's reaction would be to cling to the marriage in the face of the other spouse expressing dissatisfaction, or the ILYBINILWY speech is very common.


Yes I doubt it in this story. Hasn’t worn a wedding ring in months, then hasn’t worn a wedding ring in years. Mentioned he felt forced by the family to marry, but later says she was forbidden to marry him. He’s indicated she has some ideas about where she’d go, one option is back to mother. But he doesn’t like this idea and wants some ‘control’ over her options. 🤔

Yes it’s very common that some spouses cling, initially. But this is a story where as each reply comes… it’s clear she’s accepted it but he’s also hanging on. And not being entirely truthful. And doesn’t like her alternative options for leaving.


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