# Question about 180 - OK to say "I miss you?"



## Awakening2012

:scratchhead:Hi All - I am seeing my husband (for dinner) tonight for the first time since he moved out a week ago to take a "time out"/separation. I am doing my best to work the 180 program, and I get that it is not advised to say ILY, but no where on the list does it give direction on whether it is permissible to say "I miss you." That would be the truth -- I miss him, and the closeness we shared. I do not want to do push him in ANY WAY, but neither do I want to be fake. From anyone familiar with the 180, can you please advise? Many thanks!

Kind Regards,- Awakening2012


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## This is me

Would need more information on where you are at with each other. Best advice is to stay as close as you can to the 180.


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## Awakening2012

Thanks for the reply - Our date fell though last night, and got moved to Wednesday, but we had a good, upbeat phone convo and both said "I miss you" so the point may be moot. I posted my story over in the "Relationships and Addiction" section, so am reluctant to pour my guts out again. However, thank you for the reply. As painful as the separation feels, I am meditating on the 180 and intending to follow that path, take care of myself, and leave the results up the the Universe.

Warmly, - A12


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## This is me

Good for you. I am all about saving marriages. I practiced the 180 to the best of my ability a couple of times while she was wayward. She is now home and we are working on it.

I think the bottom line is we need to make ourselves independent and strong for us and everything else will fall into place. That is the right place if we are true to ourselves.

I wish you all the best!


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## Awakening2012

Thank you "This is Me"! I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. It has only been 8 days since my husband moved out, so it takes great discipline to stay in the moment and stop feeling like I am living in some warped alternate Universe. 

BTW, I asked the the couples counselor who I am seeing ALONE (he has thusfar refused couples counselling), and she thinks that "I miss you" should be on the 180 list as a "no-no" and is an omission. 

Thanks again! I wish you all the best as well!


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## bandit.45

The 180 is designed to help you gain emotional independence. How is saying "I miss you" in keeping with that?

By telling him such things you are only making it easier for him to stay away and fall into mischief. Stop returning his sentiments. Pretty soon he'll get worried and wonder what is up with you. 

Is he having an affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reggis

If you really need to ask if saying I miss you is ok when you're trying to play the role of secure, independent and somewhat distant, you've missed the boat.


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## Awakening2012

Hi Bandit and reggis - 

Thank you for the replies. As mentioned, the couples counselor who I am seeing ALONE (he has thusfar refused couples counselling), agrees that "I miss you" should be on the 180 list as a "no-no" and is an omission. I won't be saying it agin -- this is all new to me and hads rocked my world, so I am doing the best I can, and see now that that was a slip up. 

There is no affir or other woman, or desire to see other women/date others, at least so far that is what he has told me. He just needs time and space to see if he can come to terms with his anger and fear over my relapse. I am now back in recovery for over three months, and focuing on that, plus self care (CrossFit, massage, doing fun things with friends), and being of service by volunteer work. Moving through this as gracefully as I can, but still, I am human and do have waves of grief and fear.... So thanks for the support!

Cheers, - A12


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## bandit.45

Its hard to do the 180 and rebuild his trust. I would say you need to modify it for your specific situation. Your husband is not the typical walkaway spouse. He may indeed just need his space. Do the two of you go to counseling together? If not you should. Having a safe forum to stay in contact with each other while working through issues with a counselor may keep that bond there; while at the same time allowing him to work through his fears.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awakening2012

Hi Bandit45 - 

Thanks for your kind reply. I agree, having a platform to stay in touch with each other while working through issues with a professional would be ideal -- and I DEARLY wish he would attend couples counselling with me. But he has thusfar refused, so I am seeing an excellent couples counsellor (who knows Michele Weiner-Davis, and agrees with her approach/philosophy). She (the therapist) says my husband is just not ready as of yet to say "yes" to couples counselling, and advises I should not push him or bring it up again for at least 2 months, unless he raises it. She says his way of dealing with it (for now) is to take space, and I should honor that and give it to him -- which is what I am doing. She said not to push him on any way, nor to decide in advance that it is hopeless. Still, it is hard to keep at bay my fear, which wants to jump to the conclusion that his refusal of counselling means he has no intention of working on the marriage and is simply done :-( 

I had the important realization today that the basis for all of my discomfort and pain over my situation is the fear that I cannot, will not, be able to be happy without him. I know that is a lie my fear/ego brain is telling me, and I have to just ignore it and know it is not the truth -- the truth is that I will walk through this with the grace of God, accept responsibility for the consequences of what I have done, make amends as best I can, forgive myself, and be the sober, happy, competent, confident, loving, giving and generous woman that I was before my relapse nearly destroyed my life.

Warm Regards, A12


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## bandit.45

Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

bandit.45 said:


> Its hard to do the 180 and rebuild his trust. I would say you need to modify it for your specific situation. Your husband is not the typical walkaway spouse. He may indeed just need his space. Do the two of you go to counseling together? If not you should. Having a safe forum to stay in contact with each other while working through issues with a counselor may keep that bond there; while at the same time allowing him to work through his fears.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This was my situation. While she walked and seperated, she also agreed to MC which kept us together. I 180 in a modified and ever adjusting to where we were at. It is tough, but like Bandit said, it is for your independence and strength to deal with it all.

She came home in 4 months.


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## DTO

bandit.45 said:


> The 180 is designed to help you gain emotional independence. How is saying "I miss you" in keeping with that?
> 
> By telling him such things you are only making it easier for him to stay away and fall into mischief. Stop returning his sentiments. Pretty soon he'll get worried and wonder what is up with you.
> 
> Is he having an affair?


I think saying "I miss you" is ok, as long as you hold your ground as to what is and is not acceptable behavior for your spouse.

I don't see much of a difference between "I miss you" and "I really want this marriage to work out".


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## hldnhope

Depends on where you guys are in this. I do not think it is a good idea to say this too early into the 180, is portrays you as needy and possibily whinney, and may cause some back-slide. Your best bet is to continue being STRONG and let him take the lead in expressing these feelings no matter how hard it is for you to do this. And Lord knows this is sooo much easier said than done, but you will be stronger for it...


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