# What is stopping me leaving? I see dicvorce is the only option???



## mamma1986 (Jul 10, 2014)

I'm just after a bit of support really.
Another persons perspective.

I have been with my husband 9 years.

In the beginning he was amazing,kind, caring and loving he'd walk on water for me. He told me about how he'd lost his parents his mum to cancer when he was 12 and his dad died in a car crash 2 years later. I could not believe what a bubbly funny positive person he was despite having gone through such a traumatic experience so young.

We moved in together pretty soon along with his 11 year old son who was living with him

We were engaged after 13 weeks.
Life was good for the first two years we were very happy.

After a few months months his son moved out to live with his biological mum and me and my husband were alone for two years.

He'd had a vasectomy when we met and we both agreed about him having a vasectomy reversal a year into the relationship and we would try for a baby.

We got married two years after getting together.
Everything was good. Although I had seen one minor incident where he lost his temper as he could not get the TV aerial to work and he threw the TV onto the floor.
It shocked me and seemingly him who broke down and said he didn't know why he did it?
I thought this was a one off.

Two years later my husbands son now 20 came back to live with us as he was causing all sorts of trouble and no one could cope with him.

We moved into a two bedroom house and my husband was not happy to have his son back living with us.
I was left to cook clean and look after his son who at the time I didn't know all that well.

My husband went depressed to where he didn't eat, he'd sleep on the sofa all day and if I ever tried to talk to him he'd snap at me and tell me to leave him alone. Due to his son returning he gave up his job to take care of him. His son has ADHD along with various other mental health problems.

This went on for a long time.
At least 12 months.

My husband was smoking weed everyday and so was I. I went to bed most nights crying alone trying to work out where this perfect man had gone?!
I was made redundant from my job within those 12 months so now the pressure was on financially. He offered me no support at all when I lost my job, a job I really enjoyed.

My husband lost his temper regularly going into fits of rage as he couldn't cope little things would set him off breaking things shouting horrible things at me and ignoring both me and his son.

I have holes in most of the doors in the house.

Eventually it wore me down I woke up one night and my heart was pounding it felt like I was having a heart attack.
I called an ambulance whilst my husband lay there and said I was being stupid to call them.

They arrived and hooked me up to the monitor and said that my heart rate was more than double what it should be and they took me into hospital. I was terrified. I had all sorts of tests they suggested I had svt tachycardia just basically that my heart races sometimes. This scared me I thought something was wrong with my heart. I took beta blockers I couldn't sleep at night because I felt so anxious. I didn't eat I lost lots of weight I felt confused I didn't know what was wrong with me.Many times I visited the hospital because I thought that I was having a heart attack. I stopped smoking the weed because I thought that wasn't helping me and it wasn't helping, every time I smoked it it made me feel awful. I haven't smoked any for years now. I then spoke with my aunty and she realised that I was suffering from panic attacks. I spoke with the doctor and he asked had I been under a lot of stress recently and of course the answer was yes the reason I felt so bad was I had just had enough. 
For months I continued to have panic attacks the pounding heart started when my husband got angry and kicked off I was continually walking on eggshells and trying to please him.

Since we got married I hadn't been on the pill and two years later nothing had happened. Despite all this going on my husband had the odd good day and he suggested we try for a baby. I assumed it would just happen straight away. I thought to myself this could be what he needs a reason to sort himself out give him a loving wife and a child to be proud of. Trying to make him happy.

Eventually he went to the gp for a sperm test and it revealed that his count was really low the reversal hadn't worked properly and our only chance was IVF I was devastated and so was he we were told our only chance was IVF.

Over the years he ignores me if we have a minor disagreement. He'll shut down and blank me like I mean nothing. This can go on for days. He sleeps on the sofa, disengaged from the outside world. He won't talk about anything. Then he will approach me and try to be now and I just give in to have the peace and the problem is ignored and swept under the carpet.

He's not a very affectionate person he only seems to show me interest when he's after sex. 
I do feel unloved most of the time.

He does have a severe anger problem he wouldn't admit it or get help. He sees that everyone and everything else is the problem.

I had my first cycle of IVF in April 2012 it failed and I was completely devastated. He took care of me he was fantastic throughout and showed compassion and care when it did fail. The second IVF cycle was successful.

He is just like Jekyll and Hyde which is what leaves me confused.

Stupid I know to even think about having a child with this man.
I've painted him to be this monster but the reason I have stayed is because when he is nice sometimes he is perfect everything I could want in a man.


The stress of a newborn was hard but he did help me a lot with him.

Most of the time he is a great father he plays with him and will do anything to help with him.

But every now and again when the baby is being difficult he will make comments like 'this is why I didn't want any more kids'
Having to deal with the baby is challenging enough without having to listen to him too.

On one occasion i had booked to go and professional photos taken of the baby.
My husband was coming along too to help me out.
I went into the petrol station to pay for some fuel and I came back and the baby was crying my husband had lost his patience and was agitated because he couldn't find his dummy I could see he was very angry so I told him to turn back and go home and I would rebook the photos for another day it really wasn't a problem. We had a 12 mile journey to go on and I didn't want him to drive in a rage with the baby in the car anyway this annoyed him and he drove home really fast and dangerously scaring me. I was so angry with him because the baby was in the car and he could've easily had an accident.

We got home he was still wound up and we argued I told him that he needed help for his anger and he could have hurt any of us.

His way of responding was to sleep on the sofa and ignore me for a few days.

He ignored his son too.

When he eventually spoke he said that I was keeping his son from him?
I did stay out of his way when he was angry to keep the baby away from his foul mood.
I also felt protective towards my son.

On holiday recently abroad the baby was crying in his pram.
My husband took him out of the pram and try to feed him his milk but he didn't want the milk and my husband still continue to try and force him to have his milk he then put him into the pram quite harshly and stormed off with him. I was on holiday with my friend and we were left their shocked by what happened. He snapped at us and told us to go and have dinner without him. Of course we couldn't go for dinner, we were worried about my son alone with him in the mood he was in. We couldn't find him anywhere for an hour eventually we found him and he was still really wound up, blaming the baby for being naughty. The baby is 5 months old!
He ignored me then for at least the next 24 hours.

When we were away on holiday he wasn't able to smoke weed so I suspect that he was struggling as he couldn't smoke abroad which was why he lost his temper not an excuse I know but I realise that when he doesn't have weed he cannot cope.

He smokes weed. Outside the house of course. It's the only time he is calm.

My problem is that I hold on to all the good memories what we were, but I don't feel able to talk to him about how I feel I don't know how he'll react he'd more than likely say something to hurt my feelings and tell me to go if I'm not happy.

I do feel sorry for him because I don't know how he would cope financially without me as I'm the one that covers all the bills. He doesn't have many people in his life as he pushes them away and I'm afraid he'd be alone. 
I would feel guilty taking his son away too.

I do feel as if I'm at the end of the line. Despite him being very nice recently it feels like it's too little too late.

I feel his problems are too deep rooted for me to be able to help him.

He can ruin a day by waking up moaning about how rubbish his life is.

I am afraid to go anywhere with him as the slightest thing really angers him such as a car in front going too slow. He would try to intimidate the driver and ask them to pull over.
If they were abusive towards him he would not hesitate to hit them.

He can be very aggressive and has embarrassed me on many occasions if anyone challenges him. 
When he loses his temper there is no way of calming him down.
He has never hit me but when he loses his temper I stay quiet to not worsen the situation.

If I reacted to it who knows.

I don't want my son to grow up around this. Thinking its normal to act this way.
He is so perfect and innocent 

It's not about me anymore..

I just don't know anymore.
I feel I have given everything to this marriage but it's all one sided.
I thought he loved me, he tells me he does....
He's been so lovely to me the past few weeks almost as if he can sense he's losing me.

Why have I stayed? Because I love him and I find to hard to imagine my life without him and how I would cope. 
I don't know anymore 
I feel guilty about if I left him 


Thanks for reading hope to hear from you


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, you lost me when you went through IVF to have kids with him...

You can't change him. Your only choice is to accept that this is your life, or get out of the hamster wheel. The only thing you can control is your own situation. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

“He doesn't have many people in his life as he pushes them away”

Your husband sounds like he has been having depression issues for some time and have steadily gotten worse over time. People with depression often push people away. It reinforces the depression they fall into. One of the hard issues is getting a depressed person to see they have something wrong with them. Most times the actions they do either keeps them in a state of depression or reinforces it. 

“I'm afraid he'd be alone.”

He knows you feel this way and it only aids him to not change his behaviors or seek help. It’s a vicious circle for you. If you leave he has a reason to justify depression in his head. If you stay he has no incentive to change as you have tolerated it this long. 

Either he is going to want to change or he isn’t, it is that simple. You do need to take care of yourself and your child first.


----------



## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am sorry for the situation. I have only one thing to say - communication and conflict resolution is the only way that change is produced in any relationship. What do you have to lose by being honest with your husband? Can it possibly make things worse? I have gone through a divorce and it isn't any fun. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mamma1986 said:


> I thought I'd email as I have a (age removed by moderator) month old baby who needs occupying and knowing my luck I would decide to phone and he'd start crying.
> 
> ...... He told me about how he'd lost his parents his mum to cancer when he was (removed by moderator) and his dad died in a car crash 2 years later.
> 
> ...


What's with the "removed by moderator" comments? TAM moderators do not remove this kind of info from posts.


----------



## mamma1986 (Jul 10, 2014)

I feel ready To leave should I tell him it's over or is it too risky?! 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mamma1986 said:


> I feel ready To leave should I tell him it's over or is it too risky?!
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get out. Its the best thing for you and your baby. He is not going to change, this cycle will go on forever. I know because I have been there.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you just move out? Do you have somewhere to go?

The way he is, I'm not sure you should tell him that you are filing for divorce without someone there with you. 

Start by seeing a lawyer/solicitor. Also see if you can find a counselor who handles domestic abuse. You need some support locally.


----------

