# What is this all about ???



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Alright....after finding the divorce decree on his desk today and totally falling apart....I guess I did get my hopes up for reconciliation after how awesome it went between us the last couple of weeks.....I have taken a deep breath and will wait to talk to him.....

One thing I want to know from you guys though....

Do you have any idea why he could be doing what he's doing....

The concern for me after a minor operation I just had done.....I said for him I would be back at a certain time and he wanted to know how I'd get home....I said I'll drive and he was all arguing with me about driving me.....and then he was mad because I said don't worry about me....

The constant cuddling at all through the night, even if we had sex before....

Last night I woke up to him holding me in his arms and then kissing my neck about 20 times like "I love you so much!!!" (like you sometimes kiss your kids' cheeks) not the "I want sex" kinda kisses......then he held me close again and fell asleep.....

He *knows* I won't give him trouble with the divorce....I may have been a horrible wife, but I'm not a money hungry bit**.....and he knows that full well !!!!!!

He does not have to play nice to get the divorce or me to agree to the terms.....he *knows* that !!!!!

Does a man who supposedly doesn't love me anymore act like this....do these kinda things ???

He's such a great guy....he's spent thousands of $$ on his iraqi friend and family he met while serving in the Army.....

He's never been selfish about anything...

:banghead:*What is this all about ????*:banghead:


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

He still loves you....clearly. I don't think it's guilt, though there may be an element of that as well. Perhaps he thinks it's just gone too far to turn back now, but his actions would suggest he'd love to.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> Perhaps he thinks it's just gone too far to turn back now, but his actions would suggest he'd love to.


That's what I fear....

I'm sure he still loves me (at least somewhat) but he is a person who thinks (as you said) once he's made a decision like that there is no turning back....

I think when he has his clear moments where the depression and anger are not apparent that is when he regrets it and wants to show me by hugging, cuddling etc.....but when this damn depression cloud is over his head that's when he thinks he has to go through with it.....

I wish he would understand that he's not just destroying us but his boys as well....especially the 9-year old who's a mama's boy will hate him for that (at least for a while) and the 3-year old will drive him crazy (has lots of energy) especially at night when he wants his mama.....

Maybe at the parenting class he'll realize how much it can and will affect the kids....

It's killing me !!!!!

Anyway....I will keep showing him that I've changed and will fight until the end....


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it sounds like your husband is really still in love with you, but maybe he is in a confusion because his heart says one thing - ' I love her so much', but in his head, he has so many worries about whether the marriage can really work out. 

Did you have a period of separation before him wanting to go straight in for a divorce? Maybe that might jolt him into the reality of what it would really be like to loose you? Not that I'm suggesting that you ask for a separation! I just wondered that if he keeps pressing forward with the divorce and won't listen to you reasoning with him to stay and try to work through things together and tear up the divorce, you could offer a 'trial separation' as a less drastic and less final option if you needed?
Good luck


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Why were you a horrible wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Marigold said:


> I think it sounds like your husband is really still in love with you, but maybe he is in a confusion because his heart says one thing - ' I love her so much', but in his head, he has so many worries about whether the marriage can really work out.
> 
> Did you have a period of separation before him wanting to go straight in for a divorce? Maybe that might jolt him into the reality of what it would really be like to loose you? Not that I'm suggesting that you ask for a separation! I just wondered that if he keeps pressing forward with the divorce and won't listen to you reasoning with him to stay and try to work through things together and tear up the divorce, you could offer a 'trial separation' as a less drastic and less final option if you needed?
> Good luck


When he asked me for a divorce I begged him to consider a trial separation to show him that I understand now and that I will change....but he refused saying he doesn't love me anymore (only as the mother of his children) and it's over !!!

Since then I'm proving him every day that I'm serious about it and that I understood my faults, but other than us getting along much better now I don't see a change of heart in him


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Why were you a horrible wife?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been married to him for 10 (almost 11) years and I've always been not good with money.....in the last few years though I've made debt and am struggling to pay it off since I make only little money in my job as a preschool teacher.....

Because of that I haven't contributed any to bills and other big expenses and that was bothering him since he's been working hard in a dangerous job....Army soldier for 24 years and now a police officer.....

He's asked me to get a different degree to get a better job for years, but my insecurity about being able to do it (English is not my first language) kept pushing the issue away....he even offered to pay for it....

And I guess now the stress from the job and the pressure that came with the big house (mortgage and renovations) pushed him to his decision ....cause he sees that he will have to provide by himself for the rest of our lives.....

I realized I've done wrong and I'm changing but I think it's too late


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> When he asked me for a divorce I begged him to consider a trial separation to show him that I understand now and that I will change....but he refused saying he doesn't love me anymore (only as the mother of his children) and it's over !!!
> 
> Since then I'm proving him every day that I'm serious about it and that I understood my faults, but other than us getting along much better now I don't see a change of heart in him


 What a boatload of crap. You don't fall out of love over money. I can understand anxiety and worry etc, but you don't just stop loving someone for something like that. 
It's funny how when you read about someone's elses problems that mirror your own you find yourself giving advice you wouldn't follow yourself. My inclination would be to tell your husband to S*** or get off the pot and force his hand. Everyone tells me to do that with my wife, but it's so much more difficult in reality . I guess the lesson learned is that if your brain tells you the solution to a problem should be one thing when it involves someone else then it's probably the right solution for your self. We simply can't be objective about our own situation.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> What a boatload of crap. You don't fall out of love over money. I can understand anxiety and worry etc, but you don't just stop loving someone for something like that.
> It's funny how when you read about someone's elses problems that mirror your own you find yourself giving advice you wouldn't follow yourself. My inclination would be to tell your husband to S*** or get off the pot and force his hand. Everyone tells me to do that with my wife, but it's so much more difficult in reality . I guess the lesson learned is that if your brain tells you the solution to a problem should be one thing when it involves someone else then it's probably the right solution for your self. We simply can't be objective about our own situation.


I agree....and I'm sure that he still has love for me....I see it every time he holds me at night and all....

I thought the same when trying to answer another post....I was thinking "You should tell him it's either A or B, decide...." but when I think about the same applying to my own situation, I just can't do it.....I don't want it to be over, I don't want it to be final.....

Why does this have to be so painful  ????


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

I forgot if you guys are seeing a therapist or not....Looks like he really still has feelings for you but has talked his way out of love, even though he really does love you....I strongly think you need counseling together to really open up about rooted issues and have someone guide him on how to deal with that....you might have a fighting chance!!!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Shelly29 said:


> I forgot if you guys are seeing a therapist or not....Looks like he really still has feelings for you but has talked his way out of love, even though he really does love you....I strongly think you need counseling together to really open up about rooted issues and have someone guide him on how to deal with that....you might have a fighting chance!!!


No....he's refused to go to counseling with me....saying it's over there's no need for it....

He goes to see a therapist once in a while, but this guy told him that I won't change anyway if I haven't changed all those years.....

Proved him wrong :cussing: !!!!!

My husband probably thinks though....yeah, she's making an effort now, but in a little while she'll be back to her old ways.....

Well, can't blame him, but that's where it kills me....he's ending this before he can really see that I *in fact * have changed.....that it's not just a temporary thing !!!!

I hope that the parenting class will bring up some issues about how children deal with divorce and that it might get him to think about it all....like the kids would be miserable, I did change, he does still have love for me....why not give it one last try.....?!?!

I don't know how to stop him !!!!!!!


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

he has to jump with both feet in....can't dilly dally on the fence because that is messing with your emotions....either he is in it to work on things, or he is out, and out means, dont crawl back for love, for attention, sex, cuddles...over is over. he can't have boths sides whenever HE feels like it.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Shelly29 said:


> he has to jump with both feet in....can't dilly dally on the fence because that is messing with your emotions....either he is in it to work on things, or he is out, and out means, dont crawl back for love, for attention, sex, cuddles...over is over. he can't have boths sides whenever HE feels like it.


I hear you, but.....I'd rather have this little bit of how it used to be than not having him anymore at all....

Doesn't make sense, I know, but I can't change it....

Any other person I would give the same advice.....tell him to decide.....but I just can't....

I kind of hope the more time this takes, the more time I have to show him I'm not just all words but DEEDS this time !!!!!!

Once the divorce papers have been signed my chances to get him back are slim to none, because he feels like once something is done it's done....and he's a man and some men just don't want to admit they've made a mistake......


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