# Does he realize...?????



## unknowing (Mar 5, 2014)

I really need to get an answer to this.
My husband is a drug addict and a very manipulating person. Even with the problems he has, I'm sure he loves me and wants to change. 
He constantly tells me he loves me, always wants to talk things out, tells me he doesnt want to live without me, sometimes even cries. Sometimes I know he is being sincere, but other times I'm pretty sure its manipulation. I get a lot of promises that are not being fulfilled, things like.."I know that hurt you and I am not going to do it anymore." but he turns right around and does it again.

What I would like to know is...is he purposely manipulating me or does he have real intentions of making a change and being a better husband? Is he just unable to make a change due to addiction?

Do people like this really realize they are manipulating???


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Rehab and AA, serious about change....crying and doing nothing but making paper dove promises, manipulation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The wiring in his brain has been altered. He is at the point where he will say whatever is necessary at the moment, and probably even mean it, but doesn't have the will to follow up on those promises let alone the forethought to admit he can't fulfill those promises . In his mind he may not see it as manipulation, he's just desperately trying to hold on, he doesn't want to hurt the people he loves but doesn't have the strength to stop himself. Sadly the cycle will continue unless he can get clean, if nothing changes than nothing will change.


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## unknowing (Mar 5, 2014)

Another thing going on now is that he has been having problems in the bedroom for the past few months. I believe its due to the drugs but he says its because he thinks I cheated on him and he keeps having thoughts of me with another man. 
Any opinions on this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

unknowing said:


> Another thing going on now is that he has been having problems in the bedroom for the past few months. I believe its due to the drugs but he says its because he thinks I cheated on him and he keeps having thoughts of me with another man.
> Any opinions on this?


My opinion... Why are you with him? What's he doing to change himself? Is he off drugs now, in rehab, or just continuing to use?

C


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm sure he does love you. He just loves drugs more.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

unknowing said:


> I really need to get an answer to this.
> Do people like this really realize they are manipulating???


WHAT ADDICTS DO (Written by the found of Sober Recovery forums)

My name is John. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me; something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop drugging/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I'm an addict. And that's what addicts do.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Here is an excerpt from a woman who went by "Magic Happens" on a forum for friends and families of alcoholics/addicts:

"I finally realized that I wasn't living my life. I was living his, and not doing a very a good job of it. Talk about being a victim. I felt all the pain in my life was his fault. When I started taking responsibility for my own life, decisions, and actions, I stopped being a victim. I stopped trying to figure him out. I started to find some serenity and healing."

Something to consider. Seriously,


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> Here is an excerpt from a woman who went by "Magic Happens" on a forum for friends and families of alcoholics/addicts:
> 
> "I finally realized that I wasn't living my life. I was living his, and not doing a very a good job of it. Talk about being a victim. I felt all the pain in my life was his fault. When I started taking responsibility for my own life, decisions, and actions, I stopped being a victim. I stopped trying to figure him out. I started to find some serenity and healing."
> 
> Something to consider. Seriously,


All great points in the posts above, but I think the most powerful of all is that you can choose to stop being a victim.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

breeze said:


> All great points in the posts above, but I think the most powerful of all is that you can choose to stop being a victim.


Actually it's choosing to stop being a Volunteer, not a victim, as a Volunteer choses to stay, a victim often has no choice in the matter.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> WHAT ADDICTS DO (Written by the found of Sober Recovery forums)
> 
> My name is John. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me; something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
> 
> ...


This.. This is what it's all about.. My STBXH has stolen from me, cheated on me, lied to me, wants to hurt my children.. Why? To foster a relationship with the new enabler. And now that I'm not enabling him? He's told me that me being a nice person was "an act" and something I did while I "was getting my way" and now that I'm not enabling him? I'm a "worthless b*tch" and a horrible person.. 

The addiction is everything.. He has stolen gifts that he gave me.. Which I have proof, and he has looked me in the eye and said, "I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a thief" Well, actually, yes, yes you are.. 

For my STBXH, vicodin is his wife, his mistress, his girlfriend, best friend and sibling.. All wrapped up in one.. I was merely along for the ride and a hindrance at best.. B/c I didn't want him to get high.. And he's "in so much pain" 

No, he doesn't realize. And he never will as long as he's using..


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Here's the thing and it's tough love. 

YOU ARE ENABLING HIM.

He loves drugs more than you. When you let him live in your house as a drug addict YOU ARE GIVING HIM DRUGS. No differently than if you stuck them in his arm yourself. 

So does he love you? Yeah, because you let him do drugs. 

The only way, and I mean ONLY away to stop him. THROW HIM OUT. 

I grew up with some alcoholic and drug addicted relatives. They need a 180 just like a cheating spouse. 

I have no sympathy for you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Phenix70 said:


> Actually it's choosing to stop being a Volunteer, not a victim, as a Volunteer choses to stay, a victim often has no choice in the matter.


Yes, but people often refuse to see their choices, refuse to take responsibility for their own lives. That's what I see as *choosing* to be a victim. Volunteer implies they see their choices and make a decision to help someone else. If that were the case, they wouldn't then get angry at the other person taking what they were voluntarily offering.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

breeze said:


> Yes, but people often refuse to see their choices, refuse to take responsibility for their own lives. That's what I see as *choosing* to be a victim. Volunteer implies they see their choices and make a decision to help someone else. If that were the case, they wouldn't then get angry at the other person taking what they were voluntarily offering.


You're confusing the idea of being a Volunteer, it's not making a decision to help someone else, it's choosing to stay with someone because they want to stay. They get angry because the addict is doing what an addict does best & the Volunteer refuses to see how their own behavior plays right into that dichotomy. You can replace Enabler with Volunteer, as both are often interchangeable. I do not think the true definition of a Victim even comes close to being a Volunteer.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

unknowing said:


> I really need to get an answer to this.
> My husband is a drug addict and a very manipulating person. Even with the problems he has, I'm sure he loves me and wants to change.
> He constantly tells me he loves me, always wants to talk things out, tells me he doesnt want to live without me, sometimes even cries. Sometimes I know he is being sincere, but other times I'm pretty sure its manipulation. I get a lot of promises that are not being fulfilled, things like.."I know that hurt you and I am not going to do it anymore." but he turns right around and does it again.
> 
> ...



"I'm sure he loves me and wants to change" - how many years have you been waiting for this "change" to arrive??


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

browneyes74 said:


> This.. This is what it's all about.. My STBXH has stolen from me, cheated on me, lied to me, wants to hurt my children.. Why? To foster a relationship with the new enabler. And now that I'm not enabling him? He's told me that me being a nice person was "an act" and something I did while I "was getting my way" and now that I'm not enabling him? I'm a "worthless b*tch" and a horrible person..
> 
> The addiction is everything.. He has stolen gifts that he gave me.. Which I have proof, and he has looked me in the eye and said, "I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a thief" Well, actually, yes, yes you are..
> 
> ...




Please consider what BrownEyes74 and Prodigal are saying Unknowing - they are right.


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> WHAT ADDICTS DO (Written by the found of Sober Recovery forums)
> 
> My name is John. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me; something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
> 
> ...



Totally agree. Things won't get bettter. Addicts promise the world to get what they want. Get out now while you still can.


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