# No sexual desire for my partner---why?



## Chu Yong (May 23, 2017)

Hello,


I am 33 years old and she is 29 years old. 

I think she is the greatest person I have ever met and has all the qualities that I would want in a relationship...

Except for that vibe that make women sexy.

She is shy and awkward and because of that she is not sexy at all even if her body is 9/10 and her face is extremely beautiful.

She loves putting herself down and apologising for everything which really makes me lose any sexual interest in her.

You know how they say confidence is sexy, well she has none of it. 

She wants to have sex with me, but in bed it feels like she is lifeless. Even when I want to change sexual positions I have to push her quite a bit before she gets the message, unlike other girls who you just tap and they move. 

What's even worse is that while we have sex she starts apologising for not being good at it which turns me off so badly. 

Or for example I'd get in the mood and say do you want me to lick your p***y and she'd say stuff like you don't have to if you don't feel like it or i had a shower only this morning or i didnt wax recently. This isnt because she doesnt want me to do it, it's because she is extremely self conscious and afraid to disappoint.

I tried to have sex with her while we watch porn to help me get in the mood (i didnt tell her that) and she got jealous and didn't like it. I told her to watch sex videos so she gets better at it (we can only meet rarely) and she said she will but i dont think she is doing it (99% sure she isnt).

The problem is that i really love her and she loves me. I would not mind being in a sexless relationship, to be honest, but i dont want to tell her that cause i dont want her to feel not wanted... so for now i keep faking it. 

The thing is i'm a very horny person. I get excited very easily... so it's a bit hard... there are times when we meet and i get excited from a scene in a movie and if i could id rather pleasure myself than go through sex... but i cant do that so i end up feeling more sexually frustrated than when i am by myself... I haven't cheated on her nor do i plan too. I might get/send nudes for fun online, but not more than that. 

----

So my question is how do i fix this. I am 100% sure i will not ever meet such a great person ever in my life so there is no way i want to break up with her just to find sex. 

On the other hand i feel like we are not making any progress. I tell her to stop apologising and she keeps doing it. I tell her to watch porn so she's more experienced she doesnt do it... So i have no idea how to make this work. 

She was a virgin when i met her about 5 years ago. However when I was a virgin I was not like her...

To be honest it feels like her insecurities are totally paralysing her when we have sex. She's so afraid she will do something wrong that she doesnt do anything and apologises for everything. So I understand this is the problem, but how do i get from this to making her confident and stuff...? We cannot afford therapy etc.


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## adamsmithers55 (May 23, 2017)

You are crazy or a troll. You have a beautiful wife who wants to please you and you're complaining? 

Sent from my SM-N910G using Tapatalk


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## Chu Yong (May 23, 2017)

If you can't understand how an attractive person can become sexually unattractive because of their awkward personality, i think you have a problem, not me. Have you seen a physically not perfect woman (maybe chubby etc) that is very sexy because of the way she behaves etc? It's the same in my case, just the opposite.


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## adamsmithers55 (May 23, 2017)

You have a good point as I've been in the same situation. We resolved it by me taking charge in the bedroom and step by step over a few months teaching her how to be a better lover.
It will take some work.

Sent from my SM-N910G using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think you two are sexually compatible, as you are likely too similar. You each want to please/serve the other. You look to each other for leadership. 

You need a woman who is naturally confident and wants to be pleased, not one who needs reassurance from you. 

I would kindly and gently, but firmly, explain that this relationship is not going to be optimal for either of you. Tell her she is someday going to meet a man who is going to be charmed by her pleasing nature and self-effacing ways. Tell her you want the best for her, and that you believe that kind of man would be best for her.

As for yourself, make sure the next woman you are with has that vibe you are looking for. You seem to like confident, take charge women who expect you to please them. So stick with your type. You will be much happier in the end.


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## Chu Yong (May 23, 2017)

Note 4 guy - you went so quick from couldn't understand to "you have a point". lol 


-- 

jld - yes, i thought about that... but i dont think losing what i have now for just better sex is worth it. Not to mention I would never want to hurt her. 

Also, I am afraid her next bf will take advantage of her nature. Not just her bf, but her boss, her work colleagues etc. I do not think western societies treat people who are kind and always assume everything is their fault very well at all. 

I think it's better for both of us if she changes and she thinks so too, but we have no idea how to do it...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You might want to find a sex therapist. They have methods that the teach people that could probably help quite a bit.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You might want to find a sex therapist. They have methods that the teach people that could probably help quite a bit.


That can change their essential sexual nature?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Chu Yong said:


> Note 4 guy - you went so quick from couldn't understand to "you have a point". lol
> 
> 
> --
> ...


To me, trying to change her essential sexual nature is likely impossible. 

OP, she needs someone who wants to reassure her that she is already just fine the way she is. Such a man would be pleased by her nature, in fact. She would fit him very well, her needing reassurance and his needing to give it, no big efforts to somehow change required on either side.

You are right that she is vulnerable. It would be easy for an unscrupulous man to take advantage of her nature. 

But that is still not a reason for either of you to stay in a sexually incompatible relationship. It is cheating both of you out of finding more genuinely suitable matches. And that is what will truly cause you both pain long term.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I don't think this is a case of _sexual_ incompatibility @jld. Not sure they've even got far enough with each other to determine that. It sounds as though she has no confidence in anything, including herself, and as OP said - that's not sexy.

I know this personality type well, and it drives me nuts. Meek, zero confidence in herself. Likely brought up that way. Too worried about appearances and the little things to enjoy herself, or focus on what's really important.

A severe lack of confidence IS unsexy, and that's what OP's talking about. It seems to manifest in other aspects of her life, not just sex.

This can be overcome, IMO, but OP has to really sit and talk with his wife. I don't get the impression that she feels she's on equal footing with him (nor do I think she'd feel equal to any other man).

OP, what part of the world are you from? I may be way off here (and if so, I apologize), but is it common for women to be somewhat subservient in your culture? Or at the very least, is this how your wife was brought up, regardless of your nationality/culture?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Chu Yong said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> I am 33 years old and she is 29 years old.
> ...



She is 29 and you were her first, 5 years ago?
You say you wouldn't mind a sexless relationship because you love her so much but then you say you're a very horny person?
Your idea for addressing this "issue" is to have her watch porn to learn how do do it?
And your user name Too Young or Chu Yon....?

Is today a school holiday? You were up awfully late last night!


Trying to address sexual insecurity by watching porn is like trying to loose weight by eating fast food.

I hope your mother takes away your electronics for a month!


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## Chu Yong (May 23, 2017)

Im from the USA. We are both caucasian even if my username is asian. Not sure why the username matters. anyway.

Yes she was a virgin until she met me.

Yes she is not very confident in any aspects of her life and like it was mentioned, that is very unsexy. I want to help her change this as she is extremely smart and a great person, so it's such a shame she undersells herself so badly.

She realises this is a problem but we can't figure out how to change it. I'm not very confident myself, but it isnt as bad as it is in her case. I might be 7/10 confident while she is 3/10 confident. 

I'd be extremely hypocritical if I were to separate cause of this since i have the same issue... however i cannot make myself find this behaviour attractive or sexy. i just can't. It puts me off greatly. 

I am a horny person, but I would prefer sexless than trying to have sex with a person i am not sexually attracted to, yes.

I think if she watches porn she can see what is "normal" to do while having sex so that she can do those things without worrying that maybe it is not ok to them. It's like learning how to drive by watching other people drive. Sure, you won't become the best driver, but you'll get to a point from where you can teach yourself the rest. And it's far better than just jumping in a car with no idea of how to run it. Even if she lacks confidence, if she knew what was "normal" to do i dont think that she would apologise all the time, thinking that what she is doing is something she needs to be sorry for even if it isn't.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Chu Yong said:


> I do not think western societies treat people who are kind and always assume everything is their fault very well at all.
> ..


Eastern societies don't either.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Chu Yong said:


> I think if she watches porn she can see what is "normal" to do while having sex so that she can do those things without worrying that maybe it is not ok to them.


You're kidding right? That is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen posted. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun to watch, but porn is so far from normal it's silly. And you're just sending her deeper into her shell by demanding that she watch porn. She already feels like she can't please you, and after watching porn she'll probably think there is no way she could make you happy.

Any sexual act is ok as long as 2 consenting adults agree that the act is acceptable to them. But you have to experience those thing and become comfortable with those things together. She's opened herself up to you and offering herself to you. She's given you a gift - act like a man and lead the experience. What does she get out of it? Focus on her and give her some mind blowing orgasms - that'll get the creative juices flowing for her.

And your woman sounds like a submissive. Try BDSM.


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## lisacolorado (May 2, 2017)

Lack of sexual desire is enough of a reason to go. Life goes on a long, long time. It's a major part of life. There's a book out, called "Come as you are," about women and orgasm, but here's why I think the problem is bigger than that: You're wanting to change another person. You need to look at that. I sound abrupt with you, but I myself need to change myself and I project my pain onto what my husband is doing or not doing. It's much harder for me to live in my own power, and I'm struggling with it. Easier to say someone else must change.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Chu Yong said:


> I think if she watches porn she can see what is "normal" to do while having sex so that she can do those things without worrying that maybe it is not ok to them.


LMAO. Yes, because we ALL know that porn is so _*realistic*_.

Let her learn from _that_ biased crap and before long, she'll be happy to have *no *foreplay at all and just insist that it's ALL about giving you BJs and then you spitting on every orifice she has before ramming it into her because God knows there won't be any natural lube. 

Oh - and she'll also learn to look for the camera lens in your bedroom so she can fake moan very loudly while looking right into it.

And beware the pizza man, the UPS man or your landlord - they'll no sooner knock on the door and she'll have them on the couch asking for the same nonreciprocal sex she learned from porn and making sure only he's pleased so they can provide that coveted 'money' shot.

Good luck with that.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LMAO. Yes, because we ALL know that porn is so _*realistic*_.
> 
> Let her learn from _that_ biased crap and before long, she'll be happy to have *no *foreplay at all and just insist that it's ALL about giving you BJs and then you spitting on every orifice she has before ramming it into her because God knows there won't be any natural lube.
> 
> ...


And then this:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Chu Yong said:


> I told her to watch sex videos so she gets better at it (we can only meet rarely) and she said she will but i dont think she is doing it (99% sure she isnt).


I once purchased my wife a book on understanding and improving sexuality that was written by someone with a PHD on human behavior. 

...ummmmm, long story short, I learned that I would never ever accuse my wife of being sexually inadequate again!!!!!! 

@Chu Yong I would advise you to get a book on female sexuality by someone with a PHD and YOU read it! I did, and it explains a lot and has proven helpful. Skip the porn, it is all fake and pretend, just like big budget hollywood movies. 










Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Chu Yong (May 23, 2017)

"You're kidding right? That is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen posted. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun to watch, but porn is so far from normal it's silly."


Please tell me how homemade/amateur porn is "so far from normal it's silly". 

Just because for you porn = ONLY commercial BS movies with porn stars, that doesn't mean porn is only like that. 

That's like saying that because one kind of car is a toyota sedan, then all cars are family cars and so far from racing it's silly.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Chu Yong said:


> Im from the USA. We are both caucasian even if my username is asian. Not sure why the username matters. anyway.
> 
> Yes she was a virgin until she met me.
> 
> ...


Watching porn is 'normal' in a healthy sexual relationship? I don't know where you got that idea from. You are still relatively young, time and patience and a willingness to be patient to explore one another is what you need , not some horny porn videos, if she has little confidence in herself, watching hot babes with no inhibitions is in no way going to help her. If I am right, they will make her feel, even less confident and the way you are going about it, seems to her like you are comparing her with them and expecting her to be like them. No woman wants to be compared or expected to act like a porn princess. 
In fact I think you are the one with the problems. I feel sorry for your wife. A loving husband would tell his wife how beautiful she is, how her body thrills him, kiss her all over and so on so that she knows it is her and only her that gets him going, (not some porn princess on the screen). 
In fact I think you have f***** it up royally and done a lot of damage. If my H did that to me, I would tell him to f*** off and get himself a porn princess.
Sounds like you don't have a clue about what a loving sexual relationship is.
The sexual relationship starts off and grows in very different ways, you have to put in the effort and it does not sound like you are doing that.

Go and get some sex therapy to talk through these issues


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## Chu Yong (May 23, 2017)

BadSanta - thank you, that is good advice.

Steve - she and I don't live in an eastern society, so i dont know how life is in asia or eastern europe and how humble/shy people are treated there. I think it is way more of a problem to be shy here in the USA than in Japan or S. Korea or Singapore, for ex.


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## Chu Yong (May 23, 2017)

aine said:


> Watching porn is 'normal' in a healthy sexual relationship?
> 
> In fact I think you are the one with the problems. I feel sorry for your wife. A loving husband would tell his wife how beautiful she is, how her body thrills him, kiss her all over and so on so that she knows it is her and only her that gets him going


So watching amateur porn is bad for getting an idea about how people have sex, yet fantasy stories from romance books and romance movies are exactly what would fix our sex problems and all i need to do is lie that only she gets me going and that her being totally locked off during sex "thrills me". Otherwise i have problems. 

I wonder if the roles would be reversed, would you recommend the wife would lie to the partner and pretend there is nothing wrong? and if ud say she has problems if she didnt do that? This sounds like sexism to me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tex X said:


> You're kidding right? That is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen posted. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun to watch, but porn is so far from normal it's silly. And you're just sending her deeper into her shell by demanding that she watch porn. She already feels like she can't please you, and after watching porn she'll probably think there is no way she could make you happy.
> 
> Any sexual act is ok as long as 2 consenting adults agree that the act is acceptable to them. But you have to experience those thing and become comfortable with those things together. She's opened herself up to you and offering herself to you. She's given you a gift - act like a man and lead the experience. What does she get out of it? Focus on her and give her some mind blowing orgasms - that'll get the creative juices flowing for her.
> 
> And *your woman sounds like a submissive.* Try BDSM.


I agree. 

Thing is, he sounds like one, too. 

Each is looking for confidence and assertiveness, basically leadership, from the other. 

I think they each need a dominant partner. They are unlikely to find that in each other.

OP, at any rate it would be a good idea to lay off the porn. It is surely adding to your frustrations.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And here we have someone using pornography as a learning tool, and being dissatisfied with a wonderful loving person because of a comparison to the sex in pornography.

I don't see any future in the relationship. I think she will always be demure and retiring, and always need to be guided. That's just the way she is. So move along.

But dear God, never watch pornography again. It is not real. It is garbage. It is the perfect example of how people should never act in real life.


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Chu Yong said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> I am 33 years old and she is 29 years old.
> ...


Sounds like you're addicted to porn and have your libido and sexual self way out of place. 

Stop masturbating to porn. Stop watching porn at all. Try to imagine how hurtful it is to this woman who cares for you and obviously doesn't want the porn. You're being abusive. 

If you are physically and physiologically healthy otherwise, libedo should bounce back within a week of not jerking off. 

Find hobbies. Hang out with people. Retrain your body and mind. It will take effort, but man up and do it. Don't give the rest of us a bad name.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Porn cover a lot of range, and I agree that *some* amateur porn is pretty reasonable, some is not. 

What sort of issues are you trying to solve? Its not clear if she only wants to lie there and do nothing during sex, or if you are expecting something completely unreasonable. 





Chu Yong said:


> So watching amateur porn is bad for getting an idea about how people have sex, yet fantasy stories from romance books and romance movies are exactly what would fix our sex problems and all i need to do is lie that only she gets me going and that her being totally locked off during sex "thrills me". Otherwise i have problems.
> 
> I wonder if the roles would be reversed, would you recommend the wife would lie to the partner and pretend there is nothing wrong? and if ud say she has problems if she didnt do that? This sounds like sexism to me.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well, try this: ball gag in her mouth so she doesot speak, hand handuffs and a leg spreader bar. just do not give her a chance to kill the mood, just have your way with her. Sounds like she is submissive already,so become her dom and just tell her what you want her to do.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Chu Yong said:


> So watching amateur porn is bad for getting an idea about how people have sex, yet fantasy stories from romance books and romance movies are exactly what would fix our sex problems and all i need to do is lie that only she gets me going and that her being totally locked off during sex "thrills me". Otherwise i have problems.
> 
> I wonder if the roles would be reversed, would you recommend the wife would lie to the partner and pretend there is nothing wrong? and if ud say she has problems if she didnt do that? This sounds like sexism to me.




Yes, watching any kind of porn will back fire!!! You know nothing Jon Snow!

There have been women here who have said their husbands suck in bed and they've been given advice appropriate to their specific situation.

Sexism is when you assume a gender is incapable of something. Men and women approach sex differently and if that bothers you you should grow comfortable with your hand!


I honestly think you should divorce. You sound kinda mean, kinda insensitive, and totally selfish. How do you think people develop confidence? Did you know men and women develop confidence differently? Do you know where confidence comes from? 

If you want your wife to be more sexually confident, outgoing and extroverted, you need to assure yourself that this is part of her personality. Introverted, meek people don't change to extroverted confident in bed. Just like selfish people don't usually become patient and giving in bed.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is all on you, you need to bring that out of her but you do that not by having her watch porn but by letting her get confident that to you she is the most beautiful sexy women in the world. Spend a good day listening to Barry White. Seriously listen to how he talks to the women he is singing to, that dude knew how to talk to women. None of the songs are explicit they all are just telling a women how she makes you feel just by looking at her and how you want to make her feel. There is a reason why a fat sweaty man had women throwing their undergarments at him. It wasn't just his voice. She needs to feel safe and loved. Then is she starts to get over her fear she will be more open to being adventurous. It will be a slow process but it can be done.

Also agree with everyone else porn is not real, even the amateur kind is a show, it has nothing to do with the intimacy that sex should be. Like anything else you guys need to work on this. Work on it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Chu Yong said:


> If you can't understand how an attractive person can become sexually unattractive because of their awkward personality, i think you have a problem, not me. Have you seen a physically not perfect woman (maybe chubby etc) that is very sexy because of the way she behaves etc? It's the same in my case, just the opposite.


I don't understand it because it wouldn't be a problem for me. I think I have enough juice to work with her "personality" and show her how sexy and desirable she is. My take is your body language and attitude is showing her you don't really desire her and making her overly self conscience. You need to improve your technique and be a leader Dawg. If you can't handle her, let her go and find someone with the know how and skill to deal with her and bring out her true potential.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Chu Yong said:


> "You're kidding right? That is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen posted. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun to watch, but porn is so far from normal it's silly."
> 
> 
> *Please tell me how homemade/amateur porn is "so far from normal it's silly". *
> ...


Virtually ALL homemade/amateur porn on the internet is professionally produced to fool you into thinking it was not professionally produced. 

If you are watching genuine homemade/amateur stuff, you seriously need to ask yourself why your neighbor has been lending you so many tapes of him and his girlfriends!


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

PATIENCE, my man, patience!

Try this: take the focus completely off of what YOU want, and make it all about her and what she wants. If she says she doesn't know, figure it out with body language and verbal cues. Tell her to speak up when you do something she does like. DO NOT BE JUDGMENTAL, and NEVER say anything derogatory. Only positive comments are acceptable.

Tell us this, does she orgasm? Does she touch herself or masturbate? The reason I ask is because she has to learn how her body works and what stimuli it responds to the best. Once she learns what works for her, then she can learn what works for you. You absolutely HAVE to stop with the negative, focus on you attitude, in the bedroom. You are only exacerbating the problem when you put the onus on her to do all the learning, especially when you need to take the lead and do the teaching.....PATIENTLY. 

Learning the "dos and don'ts" of sex is not something that can be taught in a short period of time, especially with her personality type. It comes with experience, and that's why it will require a LOT of patience.

When you "tell" her to "watch porn" to learn, you might as well be saying she is not good enough. Nobody responds positively to negative comments that I know of. Stop with the negative comments completely, and start with POSITIVE reinforcements everytime she does something right.

With this being said, I tend to agree with others that have said that you two look like a sexual mismatch. Sometimes these things can be overcome, but it can also end up in complete frustration. You either have the PATIENCE to work it out, or you don't. Only you can decide that.

By the way, porn is not a good sex guide. Good sex comes with being comfortable enough with each other to be able to openly express desires without being judged. Obviously, she is not confident enough or comfortable enough to open up to you completely right now. She feels intimidated by your "experience".


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some is pro, some really is homemade exhibitionists. What matters is how realistic it is. Some amateur porn does show normal sex. Some is as made-up as normal pro stuff.







badsanta said:


> Virtually ALL homemade/amateur porn on the internet is professionally produced to fool you into thinking it was not professionally produced.
> 
> If you are watching genuine homemade/amateur stuff, you seriously need to ask yourself why your neighbor has been lending you so many tapes of him and his girlfriends!


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> well, try this: ball gag in her mouth so she doesot speak, hand handuffs and a leg spreader bar. just do not give her a chance to kill the mood, just have your way with her. Sounds like she is submissive already,so become her dom and just tell her what you want her to do.


Wrong answer. That's not how BDSM works. Partners need to discuss this **** before doing it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Chu Yong said:


> So watching amateur porn is bad for getting an idea about how people have sex, yet fantasy stories from romance books and romance movies are exactly what would fix our sex problems and all i need to do is lie that only she gets me going and that her being totally locked off during sex "thrills me". Otherwise i have problems.
> 
> I wonder if the roles would be reversed, would you recommend the wife would lie to the partner and pretend there is nothing wrong? and if ud say she has problems if she didnt do that? This sounds like sexism to me.


I think you are forgetting one thing, what turns a man on and what turns a woman on are two completely different things. Porn is not something most women like to be compared with, romance novels on the other hand, well. There's a reason why that book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus was so popular. Stop assuming your wife sees sex through the same lens as you do.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I think this is a major personality incompatibility that spills over in your sex life. She is a meek and apologetic person. Confidence is what is hot in the sack, not insecurity. I think the two of you are mismatched in many ways, including sex drive. I would part ways sooner rather than later, as this is an issue that you are not going to be able to resolve.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Disgusting. And here we have more porn imagery spilling over disrupting reality. No safety. Where's the safe word? How is she supposed to say it? Just so much wrong.

There is nothing to learn from any porn. It might make a pleasant background if you have a solid sex life with no issues, but it has nothing to teach.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

you and your porn habit and your unrealistic expectations are what has caused her to be insecure and have no confidence in the first place. 

Telling someone who is sexually insecure to watch porn is like telling a wimpy kid to watch professional wrestling to learn how to beat up bullies.


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## Chu Yong (May 23, 2017)

it's like telling an insecure kid to watch and learn karate in order to stand up to bullies. Yes. 

anyway, i appreciate your messages apart from the ones trying to spin this as somehow my fault.

the bottom line is that my wife does not have a lot of self confidence and i think that reflects in the bedroom as well as other aspects of her life.

so i guess the questions is how do you make someone be confident without therapy?

that advice about self help books was good too.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

When you say she doesn't have a lot of self confidence - can you give an example?



Chu Yong said:


> it's like telling an insecure kid to watch and learn karate in order to stand up to bullies. Yes.
> 
> anyway, i appreciate your messages apart from the ones trying to spin this as somehow my fault.
> 
> ...


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