# How do I finally call it quits?



## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

Hello, I have decided deep down that I want to seperate from my husband, but I jsut can't figure out how. In his mind he thinks we are fine, although I ahve mentioned a few times that this isn't working, and he says we will make it work. I have been suffering depression for a few years now, and he says when I get better we will deal with it, but I feel that in order for me to get better, I have to end it, I feel he had a good hand in putting me here. So, we obviously live together now and have two young children and we both work. I don't think I am strong enough to have the conversation with him, he will jsut change my mind like he always does, or it will blow up into a huge fight. He is a very angry person. If I write him a letter, it seems so childish, and I wouldn't know when to give him the letter. Can anyone out there help me. If there are ladies out there that left their men, how did you "drop the bomb". Did you move out and leave him alone for a few days, but it would only be for a weekend if I did that, I have no where to go but an hour and a half away, and that is too far to travel to and from work. Did you ask him to leave that night and stay at a friends house, I know of one friend he can stay at, but he won't, he doesn't like sharing info with his friends. 

I am at such a loss of what to do. Please help!


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

I am in the same boat as you. I plan on telling my husband this weekend on saturday to be exact. 

My plan is to sit down and say we have nothing in common, barely communicate and I just dont see a future for us. Its going to be hard as we never talk except for hi how are you and then its done. 

I can keep you posted on what happens with me. 

Good Luck with your situation its rough!

I have been this way for 2 years and finally just need out to find my happiness again.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

Will you be asking him to leave, or will you leave?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I hope you don't think divorce is a panacea to your unhappiness.

It's not.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

My plan was for me to move out. However I talked to a lawyer and in my state if I move out then I give up my rights to the house to him. 

As of now my hope is we live there, I will move into the spare room and hope the house sells fast.

I will keep you posted with what happens this week end.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

My husband was very mean to me for many years. I have left him five times. The first four times, I left while he was out of town for the weekend, but always went back, once I let him talk to me. He was very convincing, and would somehow convince me that he would never be mean to me again. However, the fifth time was different.

This last time, I told him that I was done and was going to leave him. He had been very mean to me and slept in our office during the four days leading up to last Father's Day. He said that he was teaching me a lesson, for hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock too many times. He had recently retired and could sleep all day if he wanted. I was extremely exhausted, as I was working two jobs and going to school at the time. Then, on Father's Day he decided that he was going to end the argument, or whatever you would call it. He called me on my cell phone while I was out picking up his Father's Day presents from the local Harley Davison store and said, in a very condescending tone, "Okay. I am ending it now. But, we really need to have a discussion later. I am serious. You get me?" I just said "Okay." with no real tone. I had snapped. I could never deal with the confronting him with the fact that I wanted out before, and would leave while he was away to avoid confrontation, but this time I did not care. I gave him a wonderful Father's Day with his children, and father. Then, the day after, I told him I was leaving him. 

I stayed in the house for one more month, as he tried everything to convince me to stay. He doted on me left and right, but I did not want him to. The more he tried, the more pissed I got. Every night was emotional turmoil, as we argued. The later he kept me awake with his begging and wanting to talk, the angrier I became. It was too late. I had had enough, and he couldn't convince me he was going to change any longer. I finally just got too mad, and left. 

It has been seven months now that I have been living with my sister, and have just recently began to allow him to show me how he is changing.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I finally had the guts to confront him and leave when I finally got mad. It allowed me to not care about how he was feeling, and my mind had just flooded with the memories of everytime he ever hurt me. I almost hated him when I left, and I forced myself to stay angry in order to remain gone.

I hope this helps in some way.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Daisykay ~ Question I just thought of how long have you been feeling this way? I can tell you for me I was miserable for 2 years and just now coming to terms with telling him. I have not told him yet but going to on saturday I will post to you what happens once I tell him. But took me 2 years because I was more worried about him, what he would do, and so couldnt tell him. I had to stop and think about me. 

If you do tell him when you do you plan on doing it?

Keep us posted.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

numb.... I have felt this way for about two years as well. He knows that I am not happy, and he will crack little jokes every once in a while about when I leave him and stuff, but I think he thinks I would never be able to do it. I think next weekend I am going to go away for the weekend and tell him then. I too am worried about what he will do and how he will react. He no longer has parents, and he only has step sisters and brothers that he is not close with. He is rude with his friends, although I know they will be there for him, I don't think he would reach out to them. But, like you said, I can no longer worry about him, and have to worry about me and the happiness of my girls.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Hi Daisykay,

I told my husband this week end. It was very hard and emotional. I feel 100% better now that its off my chest. There was a lot of emotions at first. We both cried. I expected it to happen, I am sad but I know what I am doing for me is right. I was very up front and forth coming to him. Saturday night I didnt stay at our house. Sunday I didnt go home until later that night. We talked some more. He wants to go to counseling, I told him I would go for him, but I dont want to give false hope that I will work this out, I dont love you or have the feelings I should. 

If you do it this week end you will feel so much better. I feel happiness in sight. To be honest with you.

If I can help you in any way I would be glad to.
Numb


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

Numb - I am so glad you hear that. Well, that might sound wrong, but you know what I mean. I was hoping to hear how it went for you. Are you two still sleeping in the same room, or same house even? I did write out a full letter to him last week, but haven't given it. I know I will not be able to get anything out when I sit with him. But I can not figure out when to give it to him. I was thinking this weekend, but his Birthday is on monday, but then again, I can't keep finding excuses to not do this. Thank you for sharing everything with me, and I will let you know if and when I get the courage up.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Last night we did sleep in the same bed. We have a california king and he was on one side I was on the other. My plan is to move out. He wants to go to counseling to make it work. I told him my feelings are gone. I would only go for him, not for me or us.

When I sat him down on saturday afternoon to tell him. I could get everything out I wanted. I literally said we need to talk. I am not happy and the only way for me to be happy is to get a divorce. 

I came up with every excuse in the book I think before I told him. His bday, my bday (which is in one week) holidays, family events, plans to do things with friends, parents anniversaries, I feel bad for him not me, umm g*d what else did I come up with... out with friends.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! If this is what you want trust me once you tell him you will feel so much better. I was sure this is what i wanted. I am here for you if you need it. I can totally understand your full situation as I am right there with you.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

Thank you so much. I am glad you understand, and used the same excuses, it feels nice knowing that I am not the only one. I guess I am just a few steps behind you. I know this is what I want. I need to get it out. Thanks you. I will keep you posted.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Please keep me posted you have been in my thoughts lately as I do fully understand your situation and the steps you are taking.

Its not easy but you will feel better once it is out. I know I do. Still hard and going through it is rough but ultimately your happiness comes first and formost. Now that I feel this way I see it too. Does that make sense. 

You are helping me too believe it or not. I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. I posted on here and got few responses but everyone was like you should work it out. Made it hard. So I understand and will help you in anyway I can. 

Talk to you soon,


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

numb said:


> Please keep me posted you have been in my thoughts lately as I do fully understand your situation and the steps you are taking.
> 
> Its not easy but you will feel better once it is out. I know I do. Still hard and going through it is rough but ultimately your happiness comes first and formost. Now that I feel this way I see it too. Does that make sense.
> 
> ...


numb , so u wanted only those advices that encouraged u not to try to work it out & just leave . 



best of luck


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you fear him (and it sounds like you do), call in reinforcements--friends, neighbors, someone who can be in the house (in another room or outside, with the kids) and then tell him that you are going to divorce him. Practice saying it that way, b/c "I 'want' a divorce" sounds too much like you are asking him and opens up a discussion. Also practice saying "There is nothing to discuss." And I mean, really practice. The words have to come out easily, without thought, like an automatic response. You can say you will talk to him in a safe place, like a therapy session--but be clear if you have made up your mind that there is no hope, no room for negotiation. You made need to practice words about that, too. 

Make arrangements for someplace for him to go--an inexpensive hotel, for example, if he's too proud to reveal his feelings to friends or family. Have everything written down/printed out and make payment ahead of time so he has no excuses for leaving. 

You should consider whether or not your depression may be unrelated to him. From what you say, it sounds like he has demeaned you, etc., and you might be depressed from that--but maybe take the time to figure that out first, even if you can't "solve" the depression right now. Are you in tx? Have you ever been? Do you think that even if you were not depressed you'd be unhappy in the marriage? You've probably thought about this, but it's worth considering. Also, consider treating the depression and seeing how you feel KNOWING you can divorce if you choose to. In that case, you would develop the self-esteem to stand up to him--which could lead to a much improved marriage (at best) but would definitely make leaving easier on you. 

No matter what you decide, good luck. Tough stuff.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Hi Daisykay~
Did you have your talk this week end? I thought about you and wondered if you talked to your hubby. 
Keep me posted and here if you need to talk.

Good Luck
numb


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Can't advise you whether to leave or not, but you are following a typical pattern: The woman feels emotionaly disconnected, gets depressed, let's it build up over years until she is emotionally out of the relationship, drops the bomb and the man freaks out and then tries to change. It's often too late. 

The whole pattern is a disaster.

Men tend not to understand subtlety. So your little clues of being unhappy are probably not understood. We generally need direct, specific communication.

Being several years out now, here's what I wish had happened: I wish wife had sat my down and said: SS, I'm unhappy, I feel very disconnected from our relationship and I'm considering leaving. What I need is the following... And then for her to tell me EXACTLY what she needs.

Divorce isn't trivial and I think you'll find it's much harder then you expect. Good luck.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

PS: I also find that women tend to be cheerleaders more, especially on boards like this. I'd caution you that there is no knight in shining armor out there. And your next relationship will likely fit a similar pattern.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

Hi Numb, 
Thank you for thinking of me. I have been thinking of you as well. Well, I did manage to tell him, and actually face to face. Don't really know how I did it, but I did. Told him everything, the way he makes me feel about myself, that I have no feeling, everything I wanted to say. I did feel a lot better, but somehow he convinced me that we should work at it for 6 more months, and then he slipped in that in 6 months it will be the 1 year anniversary of his mothers death, so I can't leave him then. So, he is just trying to make excuses, and it isn't working. At least he knows how I feel. I am leaving in a week to dominican, and he is staying home with the kids, so, not that he would do anything, but jsut in case, I don't want to rock the boat too much. But when I get home, I am not waiting six months. He said he is trying to get better, and not be so angry, and maybe he is trying and it won't stop over night, but I have been jotting down every time a situation occurs, and the frequency has not gone down. 

So, really no progress, but I did get everything off my chest. Although he still makes me have sex with him, and I can't even stomach it any longer, and he knows it, but makes me pretend I do, becuase that is my duty, I owe that to him because he is putting up with me being depressed. WTF! 

Anyways, thanks for listening and caring.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Hi Daisykay~

Glad to hear you got it off your chest. That must feel somewhat better at least he knows where you stand with him. 

I agree with you though if your mind is made up (and if you are like me) then your already done. Waiting 6 months is only going to make it worse for you. You need to be happy and thats the most important thing right now. You will get thru this and dont let him make you feel bad. Mine has done the same thing to me, fact going to counseling on wednesday and very nervous about that. However I know what I want and need and being with him isnt going to help me or my happiness. 

No time is ever going to be right to leave, theres always going to be excuses. I did that for so long. 

Stay strong! I am here to listen and help you.
Numb


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