# Losing the love of my life



## outotime30 (Nov 24, 2008)

My wife and I have been married for 28 years. I have not been the easiest guy to get along with, but I have been a good provider. I chased this woman for years before she married me. I would say that we are well above middle class and neither of us have to work to have a nice living. When our youngest child turned 18 she told me that she wanted a divorce. I have made some bad investments and caused a cash flow problem. The problem is working itself out and is not as serious as she makes it out to be. We still have a lot of assets and income. I made a mistake and owned up to it. 

I have refused a divorce. I have a chronic illness and suffer from serious depression. I love this woman and can not visualize a life without her. My son had brain surgery last year and my wife was cold as ice to me. I made a mistake and confided in a woman that had been a casual friend. My wife noted the number of phone calls and googled the phone number. It turns out that this woman is a prostitute. A 26 year old lesbian with a life partner and she makes her money as an escort.,,, The phone number brought up a website with very graphic pictures and details. I did not have sex with this woman. (seems I heard that some where..) I did have long conversations and did get way too involved in her life. I helped her with a non profit organization that she started and I gave her advice. I had no idea that this woman was an escort and have no way of convincing my wife otherwise. She says she has forgiven me, but I think this is a serious underlying issue. I can't prove that I did not have the relationship. 

We were seeing a councilor, I gave her access to all online logins and passwords for all financial information and my email accounts. She still thinks that I am lying to her and still putting her at risk financially. 

I am still at home and it seems that every other week we are fine and back in love and then all of the sudden I am an evil person. She is 48 and I am 50. I strongly suspect that there is some hormonal issue, but when I brought that up, she got furious. She moved out of our bedroom and refuses to be intimate. 

I am trying to work through this and am doing what ever she wants me to do. I have put my business up for sale, all of my hobby cars up for sale and a real estate project that I was developing is up for sale. All of these things will get sold at a loss. The only reason to sell is that she is demanding it. She has talked to a relator about what our home is worth. 

The other night we got very close and I gave her a very long and very through massage while she was laying on the sofa watching TV. I can't imagine that this massage did not get her interested. When I woke her to go to bed, she told me that there was no way she was going to have sex with me. In the morning she was cold as ice.

I am devastated and think that I have lost her. Are men and women that different about sex? We have not been intimate in over a month. She acts like she is afraid of me. 

I know that she does not trust me and I have lied to her about financial issues. I feel like I need her intimacy and don't know what to do. We are seeing a councilor, but the councilor tells me that my wife is probably going to follow through with the divorce. 

She has a good life and can pretty much do as she pleases. She does not spend much time on household chores and does a lot of volunteer work. Divorce will not solve any financial issues, it will just remove me from her life. Do women really want to live alone? I can't imagine being without her.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

From what you have written, it sounds like you need her, but it does not sound like you love her.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> I feel like I need her intimacy and don't know what to do.


What you NEED right now is her love and trust. You don't have those and that's why there's no intimacy. Going after the intimacy will be putting the cart before the horse. For example, after that massage, you should've said "good night, honey" and gone to bed. The fact that you assumed there would be sex because you gave her a massage makes the whole massage seem like a selfish act meant to get you some.

What you say in your post is confusing and rambling and sounds like you've lied to yourself even more than you've lied to your wife (both about finances and the prostitute you were best buds with). I can see why she's having trouble getting past it - you're not making much sense.

On a kinder note, you sound absolutely desperate and I feel for you. But desperation is an awful turn-off. You have to get yourself together. If I were you, I'd ask to her attempt a trial separation, live apart, go on dates and continue the counseling. Then give her room, get yourself together, show her love and caring and be a fun person to be around (and don't expect or ask for or insinuate for sex - handle that on your own for a while). See how that goes. The marriage might still tank but it seems more likely to tank if you're groveling the way it seems you are.

Good luck, man. Hope my straight-forwardness wasn't off putting. Trying to be honest in the hopes of helping.


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## Flutterlashes (Jan 8, 2009)

It sounds as though your wife has had a lot to deal with. Firstly, you admit that you have a cronic illness & depression, and that your son had brain surgery. I hope that was successful. Was anyone there at the time to help her through her own emotions? She must be feeling fragile and exhausted. Sometimes the people who need the greatest support are not the patients who are focused on recovering, but the relations who have had to go through the worry and emotional fears. 
You have also mentioned money. If you don't mind me saying so, it sounds as though because you are living relatively comfortably that you believe that she should be happy because she is provided for. Money helps to sustain life, it cannot buy happiness. Your wife may be feeling bored, frustrated, helpless (to help you with your health issues), cut off and angry that you chose to relay your problems to another woman (whether she was a prostitute or not!) instead of her! In your situation I would try and eliminate trying to please her with 'money'. Perhaps suggest that you just take a scenic walk with her, hold her hand and talk about your surroundings. Share some time with her that means that you are one to one with her, and don't talk about anything relating to your current problems. Have you previously neglected her during your estate projects, hobby cars and businesses? After you have enjoyed a little quality time, she may approach you with the issues, and the welcome attention she is receiving may encourage her to show you a little affection. Slowly seems to be the only way forward. I hope it turns out well.


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## Flutterlashes (Jan 8, 2009)

I hope that everything is working out for you, please let us know how things are progressing. Best wishes.


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