# A short story, but looking for advice on what to do after a divorce



## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Hello, I (33m) am at the tail end of a divorce that has went relatively smoothly. I can be thankful for that at the very least. I will keep this brief. I have been with my wife for about 7 years but only married for 3. About two months ago my wife began acting strangely. I suspected something was going on but couldn't quite figure it out. Eventually I found out that she had reconnected with someone from her past and they were having an emotional affair (he lives states away). She lied repeatedly about this even though I caught her. She told me that they were soulmates and even though her life with me was "perfect" and she loved me, she wasn't "in love" with me. I believe this to be partially true because even she admits that we were best friends, and sometimes it felt like that. I believe this line is easier for her to say than she had an affair but that doesn't matter. Regardless, I filed for divorce because she said she was 100% sure it is what she wanted. She went off to be with this other guy and while I waited around (not really hopeful but just waited for common sense to prevail). Once I had found out they had been together that pretty well wrapped things up for me and the divorce should go through any day now. The entire thing is extremely sad because not but two months prior to this we were planning a family. My entire future as I knew it was flipped upside down. 

Anyway, so now I am left essentially starting my life over. Which, I wouldn't see as a problem but I feel like 33 is a weird age to be doing so. The good news is I own a home, have a stable job, all my friends and family still live around, and I am in good health. I have a plan and would like some input from everyone. I plan to do everything that I wasn't able to do while I was married (I put about 90% of the work into the relationship). Starting off I've been going to the gym and lifting again (about five times a week). I've started trail running, will soon buy a mountain bike, been hiking quite a bit, shooting my bow, and plan to start JuJitsu soon. I have certain goals this year like run a marathon, travel, and start my second masters degree. My hang-up and two main concerns are that I am going to spend so much time focusing on myself and these things, that as time passes and I get older my pool of women to date will get smaller and smaller. I am not concerned with dating right now, but I also don't want to miss out on someone because I'm galivanting around. My second main concern is that I live in a relatively small town. While I haven't been looking because I've had a partner for 7 years, the options do seem extremely grim. Considering my family, friends, job, and whole life are here I fear I am going to have to move and leave it all behind. Any advice on any of the above would be appreciated.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You seem to have all in your favor in the present... why not just enjoy that for a bit and let your worries be replaced by enjoying life in the healthy ways you have shared? 

That will resonate attraction coming and going...

If you think 33 is weird, try it at 55 😉


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You sound like you are on the right track. Right now, you should be focusing on YOU and not worry about dating. You will need time to get over the crap that your wife pulled.
If you feel the need, get some counseling, but honestly, it sounds like you have it figured out -- her cheating was 100% on her and NOT anything you did.
Women will still be around (33! SH*T son, you have plenty of time!).
You may need to expand your geography a bit -- are you willing to drive a bit further to meet women? BUT don't worry about it now. Get yourself together so that you will be a nice attractive package for when you DO get around to dating again.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> You seem to have all in your favor in the present... why not just enjoy that for a bit and let your worries be replaced by enjoying life in the healthy ways you have shared?
> 
> That will resonate attraction coming and going...
> 
> If you think 33 is weird, try it at 55 😉


Yeah, I'm just going to do everything I can to improve upon myself. The whole situation is extremely weird and unsettling but it happened and I just simply have to press forward.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You sound like you are on the right track. Right now, you should be focusing on YOU and not worry about dating. You will need time to get over the crap that your wife pulled.
> If you feel the need, get some counseling, but honestly, it sounds like you have it figured out -- her cheating was 100% on her and NOT anything you did.
> Women will still be around (33! SH*T son, you have plenty of time!).
> You may need to expand your geography a bit -- are you willing to drive a bit further to meet women? BUT don't worry about it now. Get yourself together so that you will be a nice attractive package for when you DO get around to dating again.


Yeah that's what I'm going to do. The stuff my wife pulled was extremely obnoxious. I couldn't hardly figure it out at first because I pretty much paid all the bills, did a majority of the cooking and cleaning, planned the trips, etc. Just really carried the relationship. Not that I'm without flaw, but I really tried to make things work, and we really were best friends that enjoy almost the exact same things. I couldn't figure out what on earth she was thinking and then I realized she was just moving straight to the next guy. We will see how that works out for them. 

And once I get myself together I plan to meet women in other cities. Unless a miracle falls from the sky I cannot see there being anyone around here for me at my age. There's a few decent sized cities within an hour or so of driving. I can go there and date around, but I just do not know to what end. Also I'm not even sure what age range I should be looking at.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> Yeah that's what I'm going to do. The stuff my wife pulled was extremely obnoxious. I couldn't hardly figure it out at first because I pretty much paid all the bills, did a majority of the cooking and cleaning, planned the trips, etc. Just really carried the relationship. Not that I'm without flaw, but I really tried to make things work, and we really were best friends that enjoy almost the exact same things. I couldn't figure out what on earth she was thinking and then I realized she was just moving straight to the next guy. We will see how that works out for them.
> 
> And once I get myself together I plan to meet women in other cities. Unless a miracle falls from the sky I cannot see there being anyone around here for me at my age. There's a few decent sized cities within an hour or so of driving. I can go there and date around, but I just do not know to what end. Also I'm not even sure what age range I should be looking at.


If you are 33, then say late 20's to early 30's? As other have said though, leave it a while.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, why not start with +/- 5 years -- means you both grew up with pretty much the same "things" (tv, movies, music, etc.).
At least it should give you a place to start.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> Hello, I (33m) am at the tail end of a divorce that has went relatively smoothly. I can be thankful for that at the very least. I will keep this brief. I have been with my wife for about 7 years but only married for 3. About two months ago my wife began acting strangely. I suspected something was going on but couldn't quite figure it out. Eventually I found out that she had reconnected with someone from her past and they were having an emotional affair (he lives states away). She lied repeatedly about this even though I caught her. She told me that they were soulmates and even though her life with me was "perfect" and she loved me, she wasn't "in love" with me. I believe this to be partially true because even she admits that we were best friends, and sometimes it felt like that. I believe this line is easier for her to say than she had an affair but that doesn't matter. Regardless, I filed for divorce because she said she was 100% sure it is what she wanted. She went off to be with this other guy and while I waited around (not really hopeful but just waited for common sense to prevail). Once I had found out they had been together that pretty well wrapped things up for me and the divorce should go through any day now. The entire thing is extremely sad because not but two months prior to this we were planning a family. My entire future as I knew it was flipped upside down.
> 
> Anyway, so now I am left essentially starting my life over. Which, I wouldn't see as a problem but I feel like 33 is a weird age to be doing so. The good news is I own a home, have a stable job, all my friends and family still live around, and I am in good health. I have a plan and would like some input from everyone. I plan to do everything that I wasn't able to do while I was married (I put about 90% of the work into the relationship). Starting off I've been going to the gym and lifting again (about five times a week). I've started trail running, will soon buy a mountain bike, been hiking quite a bit, shooting my bow, and plan to start JuJitsu soon. I have certain goals this year like run a marathon, travel, and start my second masters degree. My hang-up and two main concerns are that I am going to spend so much time focusing on myself and these things, that as time passes and I get older my pool of women to date will get smaller and smaller. I am not concerned with dating right now, but I also don't want to miss out on someone because I'm galivanting around. My second main concern is that I live in a relatively small town. While I haven't been looking because I've had a partner for 7 years, the options do seem extremely grim. Considering my family, friends, job, and whole life are here I fear I am going to have to move and leave it all behind. Any advice on any of the above would be appreciated.


What to do at 33 after divorcing a cheating wife. Las Vegas, Hookers, Cocaine. 

IN all seriousness, Is there a bigger town or city somewhat close by you could move to and keep you current Job until you find something new in the city. Even if you have a long commute you could spend the time listen to self improvement audiobooks or podcasts or learn a new language during the drive.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

You're not starting your life over. Maybe it would help to see this time as just starting a new chapter in your life. I concur with the dudes above that say focus on yourself right now. 33 is young and you have years to find another partner, settle down, start that family you were talking about. Find things you love to do and do them. Find things you weren't "allowed" to do in the past and do them. Get that bike, keep running those trails. Improve yourself in every way imaginable right now and in time, you'll find that lucky woman and you'll be ready for her.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I divorced at 36. I lived in a small town and when I was ready to date again I quickly realized that I already knew all the singletons in my age bracket - and their parents, siblings, exes, children, grandparents, and their entire histories from around age 10. So, I knew that dating locally wasn't going to work for me. I already knew the options and wasn't interested in any of them. 

I found online dating to be a great option. It allowed me to meet folks in the two larger cities nearby (like you, about an hour away) that I wouldn't have met otherwise. If you are smart and careful with your profile, filters, and selection criteria, then online dating can be a great way to gain introduction to people you wouldn't otherwise have met. If you'd rather meet someone more organically, then I'd recommend joining Meetup (it's not a dating/hookup site), volunteering, or joining hobby or civic groups. 

But, honestly, just go be happily single for at least a year. Work on yourself and any of your own issues that might potentially be problematic in a healthy future relationship. Then you'll be in a good position to find another healthy person who can be a great partner to you. In the adult dating world, everyone has baggage. Get your own whittled down to a carry-on size and then find someone who has done the same.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If you are 33, then say late 20's to early 30's? As other have said though, leave it a while.


I do plan to leave it for awhile. I can't help but be curious about my situation though and what the future holds. All my friends have told me when the time comes look at 25-30 but I don't know.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Rowan said:


> OP, I divorced at 36. I lived in a small town and when I was ready to date again I quickly realized that I already knew all the singletons in my age bracket - and their parents, siblings, exes, children, grandparents, and their entire histories from around age 10. So, I knew that dating locally wasn't going to work for me. I already knew the options and wasn't interested in any of them.
> 
> I found online dating to be a great option. It allowed me to meet folks in the two larger cities nearby (like you, about an hour away) that I wouldn't have met otherwise. If you are smart and careful with your profile, filters, and selection criteria, then online dating can be a great way to gain introduction to people you wouldn't otherwise have met. If you'd rather meet someone more organically, then I'd recommend joining Meetup (it's not a dating/hookup site), volunteering, or joining hobby or civic groups.
> 
> But, honestly, just go be happily single for at least a year. Work on yourself and any of your own issues that might potentially be problematic in a healthy future relationship. Then you'll be in a good position to find another healthy person who can be a great partner to you. In the adult dating world, everyone has baggage. Get your own whittled down to a carry-on size and then find someone who has done the same.


Thank you for the advice, especially coming from another situation. I was planning on avoiding dating for 6 months even though I know a year is probably best. I think my fear with a year is that I will then be 34 and have less options as time goes by. Whether that is unrealistic or not I am not sure. I figured online dating would probably be the way to go because quite frankly there is nothing to do here other than go to local bars (or hiking and other outdoors things I do). There's multiple smaller towns around and then a couple big ones, I have a feeling if I were to live in a bigger city my perspective on this situation would be vastly different. But I really do not want to move.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

hubbyintrubby said:


> You're not starting your life over. Maybe it would help to see this time as just starting a new chapter in your life. I concur with the dudes above that say focus on yourself right now. 33 is young and you have years to find another partner, settle down, start that family you were talking about. Find things you love to do and do them. Find things you weren't "allowed" to do in the past and do them. Get that bike, keep running those trails. Improve yourself in every way imaginable right now and in time, you'll find that lucky woman and you'll be ready for her.


I've tried to think of it as something other than starting over. It's one of the things I am focused on is regearing the way I think about. I think the most unsettling part to all this is that two months ago she was trying to get pregnant, we were planning for the holidays, and already picking things out for a nursery etc. So that was what I thought my future was and it was turned completely upside down in the most horrific ways. Its very strange to think about. I try not to compare either but I she already started a new relationship before ours was even over and now she will probably go off and start a family with this new guy. So yeah, that may be part of the way I think about things, she is going to get what I wanted and I am left "starting over". Just going to have to make the best of it.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

33 years young. Stable. Job. Home. Not to worry. You will find another....or...more like they will find you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was just about twice your age when I divorced. I really wish that I had gotten out the first time I caught him. I was close to your age then with so much time ahead of me. You may not feel that fortunate at the moment but you absolutely are.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> I've tried to think of it as something other than starting over. It's one of the things I am focused on is regearing the way I think about. I think the most unsettling part to all this is that two months ago she was trying to get pregnant, we were planning for the holidays, and already picking things out for a nursery etc. So that was what I thought my future was and it was turned completely upside down in the most horrific ways. Its very strange to think about. I try not to compare either but I she already started a new relationship before ours was even over and now she will probably go off and start a family with this new guy. So yeah, that may be part of the way I think about things, she is going to get what I wanted and I am left "starting over". Just going to have to make the best of it.


If nothing else, see this as a blessing that she chose to take the path she did now, as opposed to AFTER you guys had any children. That would have made things 10x harder, maybe 100x harder. You're in a good place to make a fresh start now and it sounds like you know that. You're way ahead, light years ahead of where many other men on this site have been in your shoes.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

hubbyintrubby said:


> If nothing else, see this as a blessing that she chose to take the path she did now, as opposed to AFTER you guys had any children. That would have made things 10x harder, maybe 100x harder. You're in a good place to make a fresh start now and it sounds like you know that. You're way ahead, light years ahead of where many other men on this site have been in your shoes.


Yes, I try to look at it in the same way. Even though I was ready and prepared as I could be for children, having her decide to run off with them would have made this situation much worse. And I appreciate the words of encouragement. I feel like I know what I should/have to do, even as hard as it may seem.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think you're far too concerned about being "too old" to date/marry again.

A 33/34 year old man should easily be able to date women in the upper 20s to lower 30s, if starting a family is something you are interested in. Being even older isn't really a problem, either. I saw plenty of guys when I was online dating who were in their low-mid 40s and looking for someone to start a family with.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Rowan said:


> OP, I think you're far too concerned about being "too old" to date/marry again.
> 
> A 33/34 year old man should easily be able to date women in the upper 20s to lower 30s, if starting a family is something you are interested in. Being even older isn't really a problem, either. I saw plenty of guys when I was online dating who were in their low-mid 40s and looking for someone to start a family with.


Thanks, this is why I came here. To get some outside perspectives and advice. I never planned on getting divorced and honestly I thought I'd have a pregnant wife right about now so I am trying to adjust to that. Dating again and trying to start a family one day seems extremely daunting. Just going to stick to my plan of self improvement and see what happens from there. Only thing I really know to do!


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I was divorced at 51 after a 30 year marriage. I had all your questions and more. If you do what you say, hit the gym, run races, etc. If you own your own home, have a job. You are golden. and I mean golden! As you get older you will actually have a bigger dating pool!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> Yes, I try to look at it in the same way. Even though I was ready and prepared as I could be for children, having her decide to run off with them would have made this situation much worse. And I appreciate the words of encouragement. I feel like I know what I should/have to do, even as hard as it may seem.


Think of this -- knowing what you know now, would you really WANT kids with her? So her, IF she has kids with someone else, is now THEIR problem.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Think of this -- knowing what you know now, would you really WANT kids with her? So her, IF she has kids with someone else, is now THEIR problem.


Yeah, thats about the only way I can think think about it. It would have been a nightmare I'm sure. Not to toot my own horn but I already pulled the majority of the weight in the relationship, unless having a child changed her I can't imagine that would change. 

I'm not a bitter or resentful person but I am having difficulty with hoping this affair/new relationship ends in disaster. It just seems wildly unjust how everything happened.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Sounds like you have some wonderful things you want to explore. Wouldn't worry too much about meeting other people just yet. Do things that make you happy like the trail running you're planning! Since you're single, you could try joining some meetup groups in nearby cities or towns, just to make some friends and widen your circle a bit. That way you have more friends.

When I was first separated I used my weekends to visit old friends who have moved to other cities and it was amazing to reconnect with them. When you are in a relationship you often put the partner first which is normal but if it's at the exclusion of having friends and traveling, or having leisure time if that's what you like to do, then that's not good. Sounds like you have a great list of things that will keep you active and healthy. Courage! 33 is young still. You have plenty of time to meet someone. If they are a quality person they will appreciate a man with hobbies and friends, and would want to wait until a while after a divorce anyway. Focus on you and doing the internal work you need to do to feel happy and confident again.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Seems like your life is on an excellent path. 

My main advice would be learn how to cook. It should help you on your fitness goals regarding working out, jujitsu, etc., And luckily the internet is free, so you don't need any cookbooks. But some of the best dishes I have made are things I cobbled together from stuff in my fridge (putting some bacon in a pan, searing the fat, then searing some broccoli with it - delicious!). There are plenty of sources for this.
But I would highly suggest being careful with the carb dishes. Mashed potatoes, rice, corn, the stuff that is just carbs tends to add quickly to the fat. And if you're cooking up delicious vegetable dishes or meats, those tend to have more salt and carbs and fat than you'd expect. 
And if you're worried about losing out on some dating chances, take a picture of you cooking and put it on your platform of choice. It's definitely been the reason I've gotten some dates. 

Regarding dating and you being in a small town, without knowing how big it is, the only way to actually expand your dating pool is probably to move somewhere with more people. Probably not what you want to hear, but that's the way it is. On the other hand, with a house, stable job, income (assuming it's average), good shape, and early 30's? I'd imagine you'd clean up.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You're 33, you have lived about 10% of your adult life assuming you keep your health. You should not be worried about your pool of women yet. All it takes is one. Besides that you are SO much better off, what kind of life do you think you would have had with someone like you ex. She is going to be bouncing around her whole life. Her punishment is to be the kind of person she is, she is in for trouble. 

Keep doing what your doing. You will be married in 5 years.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Broken at 20 said:


> Seems like your life is on an excellent path.
> 
> My main advice would be learn how to cook. It should help you on your fitness goals regarding working out, jujitsu, etc., And luckily the internet is free, so you don't need any cookbooks. But some of the best dishes I have made are things I cobbled together from stuff in my fridge (putting some bacon in a pan, searing the fat, then searing some broccoli with it - delicious!). There are plenty of sources for this.
> But I would highly suggest being careful with the carb dishes. Mashed potatoes, rice, corn, the stuff that is just carbs tends to add quickly to the fat. And if you're cooking up delicious vegetable dishes or meats, those tend to have more salt and carbs and fat than you'd expect.
> ...


The good news is I was the one who did the majority of the cooking (cleaning and laundry as well, she would deep clean like once a month but that's about it). Unless I was working and she had to coble something together. I actually eat extremely healthy and meal prep etc. I also smoke a lot of meats, which, isn't necessarily the best but some pulled pork with broccoli or a salad isn't that bad of a deal. My only vice is beer, craft or otherwise but I've been working on that. Not an alcoholic or anything, I just genuinely love going to breweries or having drinks with my friends. I have to stay pretty low carb or I will pack on the pounds. We were differently in that regard. She was naturally skinny and just wanted to eat fast food all the time, I cooked, ate healthy, and exercised as much as possible. She never worked out, and ate whatever she wanted. We even adopted a dog together and basically the poor guy wouldn't get walked unless I took him, which I do nightly.

As far as the town, its probably 12k people but the county is upwards of 50k. There's plenty of places to go to meet new people, and I have friends and family in the bigger cities so it's nothing to go hang out up there. It's just the logistics of meeting someone and I suppose at the point it would be a long distance relationship, which would be difficult. Only time will tell though.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

sokillme said:


> You're 33, you have lived about 10% of your adult life assuming you keep your health. You should not be worried about your pool of women yet. All it takes is one. Besides that you are SO much better off, what kind of life do you think you would have had with someone like you ex. She is going to be bouncing around her whole life. Her punishment is to be the kind of person she is, she is in for trouble.
> 
> Keep doing what your doing. You will be married in 5 years.


Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have focused more on what life would have been like if she had stuck around. It took me awhile to get past that because we really were great friends, liked the same music, shows, activities, traveling, etc. However she chose her path, I just have to press forward with mine and hope it works out. I have more than enough to keep me occupied and improve upon. Something I forgot to mention in my original post is I am currently remodeling the house and what was the guest room will now be my music room. I have a piano, guitar, and banjo that I can sort of play, but now I have the time to work towards actually learning them.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The good thing is, with no kids or other entanglements, you never have to talk to her again (even IF her affair crashes and burns and she wants to come back). Move forward and don't look back.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> The good thing is, with no kids or other entanglements, you never have to talk to her again (even IF her affair crashes and burns and she wants to come back). Move forward and don't look back.


There's no going back at this point. The last conversation we had lasted about 10 seconds. She called to make sure I was doing okay, I picked up because I thought it might be important but it clearly wasn't so I just hung up on her. 

Is it petty of me to hope the affair does crash and burn?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have focused more on what life would have been like if she had stuck around. It took me awhile to get past that because we really were great friends, liked the same music, shows, activities, traveling, etc. However she chose her path, I just have to press forward with mine and hope it works out. I have more than enough to keep me occupied and improve upon. Something I forgot to mention in my original post is I am currently remodeling the house and what was the guest room will now be my music room. I have a piano, guitar, and banjo that I can sort of play, but now I have the time to work towards actually learning them.


Look you are still pretty young, but I would ask you to reexamine what your thinking is regarding friendship. To me, someone who is older, what you described is someone who has the same interests that you do, that doesn't make a friend though. And truthfully "similar interests" is not that hard to find, particularly when you take into consideration today's social media. I mean hang out on any board and you can find people with similar taste. Now I am not saying this isn't important, but at the end of the day friendship is really about loyalty. Your wife didn't have that. 

The more life you live the more you realize that change is a big part of that, sacrifice and being compassionate leads to better relationships and connection. It's not the same taste in music, those things change anyway. Life is like being in a foxhole, who do you want in there with you. The one who shares your taste in pop culture, or the one who is going to sacrifice and partner with you in your most challenging moments.

Now this may seem like an trivial post but it may also provide insight into why you picked her and if your priorities were correct. If it was me that would be part of what I am working on, as well as all the other great things you are doing. Character needs to be your top priority, because that is the thing that you can depend on.

And just looking at it impartially, does a friend do to another friend what she did to you? Then the next question is why do you keep calling her your friend?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> Is it petty of me to hope the affair does crash and burn?


Not. At. Freaking. All.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Look you are still pretty young, but I would ask you to reexamine what your thinking is regarding friendship. To me, someone who is older, what you described is someone who has the same interests that you do, that doesn't make a friend though. And truthfully "similar interests" is not that hard to find, particularly when you take into consideration today's social media. I mean hang out on any board and you can find people with similar taste. Now I am not saying this isn't important, but at the end of the day friendship is really about loyalty. Your wife didn't have that.
> 
> The more life you live the more you realize that change is a big part of that, sacrifice and being compassionate leads to better relationships and connection. It's not the same taste in music, those things change anyway. Life is like being in a foxhole, who do you want in there with you. The one who shares your taste in pop culture, or the one who is going to sacrifice and partner with you in your most challenging moments.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying. I am speaking the past tense, I felt that way about her at the time but not anymore due to the reasons you described. I no longer feel that way about her at all, if I feel anything for her (disgust that she chose this path?). I will be far more cautious next time around without being too jaded. One of the realities I overlooked is we came from two entirely different families. My parents were married young and never divorced. Her parents, one has been married five times I believe? The other three. She has a ton of siblings from all these different marriages, whereas I only have one. Two completely different upbringings. I'm not sure if this had an affect on anything but I don't think it is unreasonable to believe it could have.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> I do plan to leave it for awhile. I can't help but be curious about my situation though and what the future holds. All my friends have told me when the time comes look at 25-30 but I don't know.


Well why not consider a woman of you own age as well? Maybe 25-35? I dont know why men think they must look for a younger women. I met my husband on line and he is slightly younger than me, so I am glad he didnt dismiss me for that. Happily married now for 15 years. Another lady I know met her husband on line, he is 7 years younger than her, they are very happy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> You're 33, you have lived about 10% of your adult life assuming you keep your health. You should not be worried about your pool of women yet. All it takes is one. Besides that you are SO much better off, what kind of life do you think you would have had with someone like you ex. She is going to be bouncing around her whole life. Her punishment is to be the kind of person she is, she is in for trouble.
> 
> Keep doing what your doing. You will be married in 5 years.


10%? So he will live to be more than 130? More like 25%


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> I understand what you are saying. I am speaking the past tense, I felt that way about her at the time but not anymore due to the reasons you described. I no longer feel that way about her at all, if I feel anything for her (disgust that she chose this path?). I will be far more cautious next time around without being too jaded. One of the realities I overlooked is we came from two entirely different families. My parents were married young and never divorced. Her parents, one has been married five times I believe? The other three. She has a ton of siblings from all these different marriages, whereas I only have one. Two completely different upbringings. I'm not sure if this had an affect on anything but I don't think it is unreasonable to believe it could have.


Wow so she didnt really have much hope of never getting divorced with such awful role models. 8 times between them???


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Well why not consider a woman of you own age as well? Maybe 25-35? I dont know why men think they must look for a younger women. I met my husband on line and he is slightly younger than me, so I am glad he didnt dismiss me for that. Happily married now for 15 years. Another lady I know met her husband on line, he is 7 years younger than her, they are very happy.


I wouldn't dismiss anyone older than myself based on age. It's probably a geographic thing for me. The town I'm from most women over 30 already have multiple kids and quite frankly have not taken good care of themselves. I'm just being honest, I know a lot of ladies my age and its not good. But if someone is out there I wouldn't dismiss them due to age for one moment.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> There's no going back at this point. The last conversation we had lasted about 10 seconds. She called to make sure I was doing okay, I picked up because I thought it might be important but it clearly wasn't so I just hung up on her.
> 
> Is it petty of me to hope the affair does crash and burn?


Well whether its petty or not it more than likely will, as most affairs do.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Wow so she didnt really have much hope of never getting divorced with such awful role models. 8 times between them???


I believe so but I'm not sure on the actual count. The mother may not have married a couple but still had children with them. I would say 4-5 marriages easy though.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I think it is great that you are so positive. Statistically you should wait about nine months before dating. I'd say until you finish that second Masters degree. Me, I'd never have the heart to do what you want to do. One marriage is All I have in me.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Well whether its petty or not it more than likely will, as most affairs do.


I guess only time will tell. I won't know either way unless someone reaches out to me and lets me know. I've removed her from every aspect of my life at this point. Her family does love me though and still reaches out everyone once in a while, so I'd imagine through their social media or something like that I would find out what eventually happens. The only way I could see it working out for them is that she _has_ to make it work. I'm not sure she could support herself at this point and as drastic of a life change as this is she can't be wrong or it will end extremely bad. She dropped everything to move states away with someone she dated 8-9 years ago. She told me she was just trying to move on from him the entire time she was with me (for 7 years!). Seems insane to me but they are convinced they are "soul mates" or something.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> I wouldn't dismiss anyone older than myself based on age. It's probably a geographic thing for me. The town I'm from most women over 30 already have multiple kids and quite frankly have not taken good care of themselves. I'm just being honest, I know a lot of ladies my age and its not good. But if someone is out there I wouldn't dismiss them due to age for one moment.


Dont go just by who is local to you.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> The good news is I was the one who did the majority of the cooking (cleaning and laundry as well, she would deep clean like once a month but that's about it). Unless I was working and she had to coble something together. I actually eat extremely healthy and meal prep etc. I also smoke a lot of meats, which, isn't necessarily the best but some pulled pork with broccoli or a salad isn't that bad of a deal. My only vice is beer, craft or otherwise but I've been working on that.


Isn't smoked meat a big cancer risk? I tend to steam most of my food, usually chicken. Tends to not be the greatest, but I use spices and stuff to make it taste different every week. That way I don't get sick of it. And I'll make other foods to keep myself sane. Also helps to marinate in wine along with other marinades or herbs. Just a thought? 

If you're looking for stuff to do to keep yourself busy during the...however long it takes people to heal from this, if I was you. I'd do a bunch of projects around the house to make it a pristine bachelor pad. 

So as a beer drinker, you could get a wet bar installed. Some shelves for hard stuff that you won't drink but show-off, then a few spouts (or whatever they're called for kegs?) for maybe a few kegs of craft beer? Plus the glassware. Stools. Little fridge for beer bottles and whatever else, maybe a wine cooler or fridge or whatever? 
Then since you workout, maybe a workout room? Set of weights, equipment, and a TV? That's what I would also get. Since you have a dog, don't know if I'd suggest a treadmill. 
Maybe turn a spare bedroom into a mini theater? Get a projector and screen, some reclining leather chairs, maybe step it so if you have two rows people in the 2nd row can still see. Plus a surround-sound system (heads up on this: my system is 5.1, with some voice-only bar, etc., probably costs me $3K-4K, can't remember if that includes the TV? Anyway, that voice-only bar, so you can hear dialogue? WASTE OF MONEY! If they try to talk you into it, REFUSE! It's not even included in the speaker count of my 5.1 system!) 
Or you could redo the kitchen if you really like cooking? If I had a house, I'd have a giant fridge, freezer, maybe a second smaller freezer so I could store up on stuff when there is a sale, better stove top, double oven, built-in steamer, all the toys. Maybe granite countertops? 
Fix up the closet. Better lights, lift up the racks so you can do double racks, dress shirts on the top, slacks and whatever else on the bottom rack, another rack for shoes. Then another single one for suits. Maybe also fit some mirrors so you can see how you look? Another place to display your ties? 

If you already have all those things...I'm first going to ask how you got married in the first place and kept all those toys?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> I guess only time will tell. I won't know either way unless someone reaches out to me and lets me know. I've removed her from every aspect of my life at this point. Her family does love me though and still reaches out everyone once in a while, so I'd imagine through their social media or something like that I would find out what eventually happens. The only way I could see it working out for them is that she _has_ to make it work. I'm not sure she could support herself at this point and as drastic of a life change as this is she can't be wrong or it will end extremely bad. She dropped everything to move states away with someone she dated 8-9 years ago. She told me she was just trying to move on from him the entire time she was with me (for 7 years!). Seems insane to me but they are convinced they are "soul mates" or something.


Just remember, there is a reason(s) they broke up way back then -- I BET those haven't really changed all that much. She was looking at the past with nostalgia lenses and not correctly remembering things.
And YES it's ok to hope they implode (they probably will)


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Just remember, there is a reason(s) they broke up way back then -- I BET those haven't really changed all that much. She was looking at the past with nostalgia lenses and not correctly remembering things.
> And YES it's ok to hope they implode (they probably will)


It's my understanding that they didn't really break up traditionally. He went off on a job and before he could come back she was forced to move back to the state I reside in currently (because she couldn't support herself). She had to move back in with one of her parents. Who knows what the truth is or what actually went down but that's what I've been told. I have learned that due to the way things ended he has bothered her on and off through out mine and her relationship, thus causing a few issues here and there which now make much more sense. I also know that in the time away he has also left another woman to be a single parent, while bothering my married wife so I can't imagine he is the best of guys... which also blows my mind on how she could make this decision. But in the end it doesn't matter now, I can only hope they implode and focus on making my life much better than it was.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If they were soul mates, he would have either TAKEN her with him for the job, or NOT taken the job.
If he left a woman to be a single parent to be with your wife, yeah SUPER class guy there (NOT!)
You are going to be MUCH better off.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Broken at 20 said:


> If you already have all those things...I'm first going to ask how you got married in the first place and kept all those toys?


I have a lot, she wasn't exactly a homemaker and didn't really even start decorating in a until about a year ago. She struggled to make it hers until recently I suppose. I offered to remodel either the side room or the upstairs of my shop into her own personal space or something similar for her but she wasn't interested. 

The first room I will be redoing is the guest room. I'm turning it into a music room and potential lounge. I also thought about building a bar in the kitchen but I am wary of having drinks around like that currently. I don't need anything to derail me. Trying to keep drinking a social thing at the moment rather than drinking alone at home. I don't feel like that would be good for me at this time.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> If they were soul mates, he would have either TAKEN her with him for the job, or NOT taken the job.
> If he left a woman to be a single parent to be with your wife, yeah SUPER class guy there (NOT!)
> You are going to be MUCH better off.


Deep down, I know I will be which is why I have turned all my focus into my next stage. It may be lonely or whatever, and the situation is sad (there's no way around it) but I just have to move forward. Never in my life would I imagine I would have to deal with this kind of nonsense either.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> I think it is great that you are so positive. Statistically you should wait about nine months before dating. I'd say until you finish that second Masters degree. Me, I'd never have the heart to do what you want to do. One marriage is All I have in me.


But is YOUR choice making you happy even...?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> Also I'm not even sure what age range I should be looking at.


Take my word for it my man, you want a woman about 7-9 years younger than you. Also you want them to be no younger than 25. Stay away for the older girl unless its for short term, NOS, friendship. At 33, a classy girl 10 years older may be the cats pajamas. When you're 63, and she's 10 years older, not so much.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Any relationship needs to be balanced. You do to much you can get taken advantage off. Watch that in the future. Expect them to do their part.

FOO issues run deep so take a good look before you jump into the next one.

As far as the x consider yourself lucky. Folks come here 15-20 years in with kids going through this.
Block her on everything once the D is done or now if there’s nothing to wrap up. Her parents and family too. You don’t need that Interference. It’s the best way to move on.

If you haven’t purge all her stuff. Drop it off at her folks place or dump it.

At your age you’ll be more than fine.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Any relationship needs to be balanced. You do to much you can get taken advantage off. Watch that in the future. Expect them to do their part.
> 
> FOO issues run deep so take a good look before you jump into the next one.
> 
> ...


What is FOO?

Also, pretty much everything has been purged. There's a few things left that still remind me of her, for instance we just got done remodeling the kitchen about a month before all this happened (her idea). I may have to remodel it again, I'm not sure. She's been blocked on everything. The parents and family will be hard to do because I really got along with them. Would host Christmas, BBQs, etc. Just big family gatherings. They have all reached out to me in support, and honestly it seems they are all very disappointed and upset with her. I've "muted" them so I don't have to see posts or whatever but I doubt I can block them.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> What is FOO?
> 
> Also, pretty much everything has been purged. There's a few things left that still remind me of her, for instance we just got done remodeling the kitchen about a month before all this happened (her idea). I may have to remodel it again, I'm not sure. She's been blocked on everything. The parents and family will be hard to do because I really got along with them. Would host Christmas, BBQs, etc. Just big family gatherings. They have all reached out to me in support, and honestly it seems they are all very disappointed and upset with her. I've "muted" them so I don't have to see posts or whatever but I doubt I can block them.


FOO = Family of Origin.

Family of origin issues like having a really screwed up childhood. Abusive or cheating parents, sexual abuse, drug use, multiple divorces, things like that.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> What is FOO?





samyeagar said:


> FOO = Family of Origin.



I thought it was that Chinese spy chick, the Congressman, old Eric Stallwell shagged.


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## wellwhatnow2021 (Jan 12, 2021)

samyeagar said:


> FOO = Family of Origin.
> 
> Family of origin issues like having a really screwed up childhood. Abusive or cheating parents, sexual abuse, drug use, multiple divorces, things like that.


I see. Yeah, I knew that was a red flag when we started dating but I also felt like I was being judgmental so I overlooked it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> What is FOO?
> 
> Also, pretty much everything has been purged. There's a few things left that still remind me of her, for instance we just got done remodeling the kitchen about a month before all this happened (her idea). I may have to remodel it again, I'm not sure. She's been blocked on everything. The parents and family will be hard to do because I really got along with them. Would host Christmas, BBQs, etc. Just big family gatherings. They have all reached out to me in support, and honestly it seems they are all very disappointed and upset with her. I've "muted" them so I don't have to see posts or whatever but I doubt I can block them.


FOO - 
Our family of origin is the family we were born or adopted into. It’s the people who raise us and who we spend most of our childhood with. The importance of an individual’s family of origin is enormous. Since parenting shapes a child’s core beliefs about himself or herself, our family’s beliefs about what it means to be human and the purpose of life will have a tremendous influence on what we learn and how we develop. These beliefs will, in turn, inform every decision and choice you make and every relationship you have.

The beliefs, values and rules of a family are passed down from one generation to the next through living life together daily, and this is how an unhealthy or healthy family of origin is perpetuated.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I didn't read all the replies, but here is my .02

You dodged a bullet, even if you don't realize it yet....No kids, no legacy, etc...The divorce went smooth....I even think it's better overall when it's the woman that wants out...Less drama...You want out and it will be a river of tears, you would have been hammered into the ground by her and her family, called all sorts of horrible names...etc...

I can't emphasize how fortunate that there were no kids...They hamper everything in these situations...Imagine if you found out what she was doing and had 2 toddlers to protect? You may have had to do what a lot of guys do and sacrifice yourself for the kids and be essentially stuck...Big break there...

Don't worry about what she's doing at this point...Who cares if it works or not? Its not your problem...

As for you at this point, you are in a pretty good position on most levels...You have assets and a good job, etc...Starting at about your age and moving forward, the scales tip heavily for men as to desirability and ability to attract the opposite sex...Even as a guy in his 50s that isn't on the market, I get a ton of attention from women...The key is just take reasonable care of yourself and you will be fine on that end...Don't even think about that aspect...Believe me on this..

I guess the only area you need to watch for is if you meet a woman your age and she hasn't had kids yet, she is going to push very hard for marriage and kids...She knows she is reaching a point where it starts to become impractical to start a family, so you will feel heavy pressure there...Don't cave on that...I mean, sure if you think you have found "the one" and it all seems right and you feel you want the same, then do it...But you also could easily find a woman at 45 who is your age now and can start a family then...I don't know if I would recommend that, but as a guy it's not like you couldn't easily do that ...it's done all the time...

Just realize that this revelation could have happened when you were 45 and had young kids, and she could have wasted the best years of your life stringing you along...And then you would have been paying big for all of it, at an age where you will have already started to slow down...

Bottom line is you are in a great spot on a lot of levels...Forget about the vindictiveness and go out and enjoy your new life...When you find the right woman, you will realize the one you were with never was invested in you as you thought...

Good luck!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> as time passes and I get older my pool of women to date will get smaller and smaller.


No, the pool of never married women will get smaller. But you were married and you have value, why don't some of them?

I think you are doing a lot of things right, enjoy the stuff that was harder when married and take on dating when it feels right. You can explore the locavore/wider net/move options then.



wellwhatnow2021 said:


> Is it petty of me to hope the affair does crash and burn?


A little is to be expected, but making revenge a large part of your diet isn't good for you.


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## funkydnp (Jan 16, 2021)

I cant speak much of how to get past your divorce because I have never been married.... However I recommend a book that will help you drastically for when you meet that next special lady. 3% Man has helped me get past my struggles with women and I was able to secure stronger relationships with it. You need to check it out, its free Amazon.com: How to Be a 3% Man. Trust me, its going to help you to get past this and have better connections later.

*LINK REDACTED. *


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Getting in shape with exercise and new hobbies is great!. Moving, maybe yes or maybe no.

However, the thing you really should do is work on yourself to figure out what might have gone wrong in your marriage. Yes, there was the long lost soulmate, but M.W. Davis has a book on Divorce Proofing a Marriage. You want to figure out either what went wrong or how you could have done things differently. Once you do that you will probably not make the same mistake or select a woman with the same tendencies. 

Good luck, move slow and look for someone who really desires you and being with you.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

_*The good news is I own a home, have a stable job, all my friends and family still live around, and I am in good health.*_

You are a commodity in demand. 

_*My hang-up and two main concerns are that I am going to spend so much time focusing on myself and these things, that as time passes and I get older my pool of women to date will get smaller and smaller.*_

No your pool will not get smaller, larger. You are fishing in a small pond. Find a larger one.

_*I pretty much paid all the bills, did a majority of the cooking and cleaning, planned the trips, etc. Just really carried the relationship. Not that I'm without flaw, but I really tried to make things work, and we really were best friends that enjoy almost the exact same things. I couldn't figure out what on earth she was thinking and then I realized she was just moving straight to the next guy. We will see how that works out for them.*_

There are many women that would have happily stepped into your wife's place. Many also that will be as opportunistic and ungrateful as well. How it will work for her - poorly. She didn't invest in you and your marriage she will not do so for any other man after you. Not even for her "soul mate."

_*There's a few decent sized cities within an hour or so of driving. I can go there and date around, but I just do not know to what end. Also I'm not even sure what age range I should be looking at.*_

What do you want from a woman a casual arrangement or a committed one? If you are after casual fun 25 and under. 28-30s if you are looking to settle down. Exercise caution. Don't rush and don't be rushed.

_*All my friends have told me when the time comes look at 25-30 but I don't know.*_

28- 30s Baby rabies strike. The desire to get married and settle down is strong in this range. Best to be very very cautious. You have much to offer and baby trapping is not uncommon.

_*The last conversation we had lasted about 10 seconds. She called to make sure I was doing okay, I picked up because I thought it might be important but it clearly wasn't so I just hung up on her.*_

Bravo! Do you know why she bother to call? To make sure you were doing ok? No. She was fishing for information. If you had replaced her, if you missed her. She would have tried to feel out if it would be possible for her to return to her life with you in case things didn't work out with the man she left you for.

_*She dropped everything to move states away with someone she dated 8-9 years ago. She told me she was just trying to move on from him the entire time she was with me (for 7 years!). Seems insane to me but they are convinced they are "soul mates" or something.*_

Would recommend you research covert narcissist. See how closely your ex wife matches what is documented. You might just find all the answers you are looking for. They easily and quickly discard a partner regardless of the years together to chase the next "upgrade."

_*I also know that in the time away he has also left another woman to be a single parent, while bothering my married wife so I can't imagine he is the best of guys... which also blows my mind on how she could make this decision. *_ 

If she is narcissistic or unstable they will readily drop a loyal spouse to chase a shiny new toy. History will repeat. Your ex wife will be pregnant and abandoned by her ex. You should expect at this point she will be on your doorstep once more, regardless of how futile it might seem to you now, begging for forgiveness, a second chance, you are the love of her life, etc. You may wish to be proactive and see what is required for a restraining order. You may just need one down the road.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

wellwhatnow2021 said:


> I see. Yeah, I knew that was a red flag when we started dating but I also felt like I was being judgmental so I overlooked it.


I also ignored red flags (or at the time, accepted her excuses for her behavioral issues) and quickly came to regret doing that, when I saw that one thing simply lead to another, and she always had a different excuse for behavioral problems that never changed. But unlike you I had a child with my XW, and that has made my life (and the divorce) so much more complicated with co-parenting issues. 

Reading through your posts, I don't think you realize how _LUCKY _you are! And in a great position... you're hitting your prime, and are single. 

I was a few years older when I got divorced & like I mentioned had a kid already, which has tied me to my current city & state (well away from friends and family) to remain in my daughter's life. At least it's a big city, so I had a decent dating pool to jump into.

A couple other thoughts, bullet-pointed for brevity:

When it comes to dating, don't worry too much about timing; if you feel ready to get back out there, go for it. Just from reading your posts, sounds like you've dealt with the loss & divorce in a healthy way. Don't feel pressured to avoid a relationship, or even dating (COVID-19 Pandemic issues aside...)
I took a couple months before I did; but honestly, I was already checked out for years b/c my marriage was so toxic. I didn't feel like I needed time to work on myself, figure out why I was there, and what mistakes I made (had done that the last couple years of marriage). 
People that need to wait before they get back out there are the ones still hung up on exes, or coping with the pain of loss through some sort of excess: booze, pills, etc. 

Approach "Online Dating" methodically; it can be overwhelming even in smaller towns, I'm told. Have fun with it, but don't get discourage or embittered by it if you have a couple bad experiences.
I set an age range a couple years younger, and a couple years older
Not all apps are the same. in my experience, Bumble was the best option.. more educated & thoughtful women were on it, and the format lent itself to more normal interactions. Because women have to be the first to contact the men on the site, they don't get bombarded by 100's of horny guys bombing them with IMs and emails all day long, and so you're not getting lost in that waterfall.

From a "single guy's perspective"... Women over 30 are a lot different than women under 30... they've lost a lot of the hangups about sex they had when they were younger. Have fun, but don't get sucked in if you're not feeling the same level of attraction as them. What out for the ones that are desperately looking to get hooked up
If you want kids, don't feel pressured to move fast because of that. You have plenty of time. More than you realize. And do not have kids with anyone you're not sure if the one you can be with for the rest of your life... *No more ignoring red flags!* While you have plenty of time... life's still too short for that!
If you're dating someone with kids, be prepared to be patient when the kids come first, and decide if you want that kind of relationship & still have enough space for your needs there. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not for everyone. And as a corollary, if she has kids and she's neglecting them to be with you... she's not a very good mom, and _probably _won't be a very good partner.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Dude, your age and lack of kids will put you at the top of the list. I will not even bore you with my minority mentality anymore but I have been disconnected from relationship BS long enough to see things more clear. 

1. Personally, I am older than you and will only talk to women younger, but that is for different reasons. In your situation, you need to be careful with much younger because 20 somethings are known for cheating and baling. They will be into up until the "next big thing" comes along. I have also noticed that age is a large factor for women, though many will say otherwise. 
2. You need to chill with the "quest to find the next". It will narrow your vision and you will ignore big flags. Very big flags are being weeks or even days out of a relationship. Nearly all will make light of it. Women today stay in a relationship until they find another. It is SO easy today! If you get that sense, you need to punt them quickly! Also watch for the money seekers. They don't care what you do, they care about how much you make, how much you have, and what you own. 
3. Take a close look at her family for health. I know many that were cute in their 20s, but blew up or otherwise ignored their health. You also need to look at her group of friends. Women are masters of false advertising. I know women that could not wait to have kids, but are now horrible mothers/role models. Their values are skewed. 
4. Don't let online dating let you get discouraged. I found that most on there are there for good reason. Most are trying to date younger, and they pick looks over everything, despite what their profile says. You will probably end up with vanilla matches, and they will have some sort of glitch. Just remember, the good ones don't need a dating app. 

Of course everything I said will be refuted on this site, but I have years worth of studying. I now just use online date apps for fun. I won't meet up with them. The attractive ones will receive countless messages and they love the attention. Go live life man! Learn how to be single. I would say mid 30s is the sweet spot for a promising LTR. Nearly everyone I know that got together in their 20s is divorced. That was not the case decades ago, before Inet. 

As for your previous marriage, burn it! Burn it all! Remember that a woman that will do what she did will go through life confused. She might well put in several years and crank off some kids, but I would throw a stiff bet it will end the same. She will give him the same "love you but no longer in love" speech. 

Also know that women can smell "fake" from several miles away. ALWAYS be yourself, no matter what. If they try to change you, get out. I know plenty of dudes that "live at the gym", take pics of themselves, and they remain single. Their outward presentation is a testament to their lack of confidence.


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