# Let your man be a MAN!



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Ladies, as a generalization, and just something to consider, I offer the following thoughts.

A man will never feel masculine if his wife controls the details of his life. He will always want to make his own decisions and solve his own problems. He may, and should at times ask your opinion, but will always feel more of a man if you allow him to be one.

Men and women have very different styles for solving problems. This difference is at the root of many marital problems. It can be summed up as follows: 

Men like to solve their own problems. They like to be independent and to do things for themselves. When they are confronted with a problem, their natural reaction is to retreat into their own mind to think about it for a while. If they need the help of another person, they will ask for it. If they did not ask, then they don’t need or want help. The best way to get under his skin is to attack his pride, his ego, to suggest in some way that he cannot handle a situation by himself, or that you have no faith in him.

Most women are collaborative problem solvers. The more people they have as allies, the better they feel. The more qualified that their allies are, the better they feel. When many women are confronted with a problem, their natural reaction is to want to talk about it with whoever can help. They will talk and talk until they arrive at a solution. Women are happy to receive unsolicited advice from everyone except their mother-in-law.  

In fact, offering advice is part of how women show each other they understand and care. 

Do you see a problem here? 

If I had a dollar for every time that a woman offered advice to a man, and was shocked when he got angry in response, I would be rich. 

The same goes for situations in which a woman wanted to talk out a problem with a man and then was miffed that he did not consider it to be his problem. 

The two approaches to problem solving do not mesh well together. 

To this day my wife still thinks that I’m OK with her telling me when to change lanes in the car. I actually hate it, but have learned to tolerate it for the sake of keeping the peace. 

The point to this is that sometimes, a woman too, needs to back off and let her husband work through his problems on his own. Even if he is not doing it the way that she would have done it, she needs to just let it be. As long as the problem gets solved, it is not really important how it was done. 

When you give your husband space to work through things and achieve success on his own, you show that you trust his masculinity and it makes him feel good about himself and your marriage. 

He knows that you trust and value his manliness. This is a huge point. 

One quick way to destroy the masculinity of any man… or to move him away from you is to try and micro manage him. No, not always, but for the better of your marriage, you have to admit that there are times when your marriage would have benefited, if you would have simply let your man be a man!


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

HMMMM! All of a sudden got mighty quiet in here??

Someone has to challenge the ladies once in a while


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Most women are collaborative problem solvers. The more people they have as allies, the better they feel. The more qualified that their allies are, the better they feel. When many women are confronted with a problem, their natural reaction is to want to talk about it with whoever can help. They will talk and talk* until they arrive at a solution.* Women are happy to receive unsolicited advice from everyone except their mother-in-law.



You`ve almost got this right.

I`ve never known a woman to be interested in an actual solution to a problem.

They prefer to just talk and talk and talk about it until it gets solved by someone else for them, usually some man.

Then they want to talk and talk and talk about how he solved in in such a ****ty way.

Then they want to talk and talk and talk about what a presumptuous ass he was to solve it in the first place.

:rofl:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

no pink shirts,or buying tampons

plaid shirts and no lite beer

vey good post.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> You`ve almost got this right.
> 
> I`ve never known a woman to be interested in an actual solution to a problem.
> 
> ...


So you only know idiots then? :scratchhead:

I worked in financial services for 9 years as a stock broker/bond trader. I can assure you, I solved my own problems, didn't feel the need to get a consensus and I sure didn't need some man to handle MY business. They all wanted to though and got shot down.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

RDJ said:


> HMMMM! All of a sudden got mighty quiet in here??
> 
> Someone has to challenge the ladies once in a while


I guess some of us get tired of the lectures. It's not much of a challenge, more like the Sermon on the Mount and I already have a preacher.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Can`t anyone in this place take a joke?



Edit:

But to actually answer the question, yes, 95% of the people I`ve ever met are pretty damn stupid..


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, RDJ, I have kind of a mixed bag of thoughts on this particular post of yours.

I think it's likely true that most people, both men and women, don't like to be micro-managed and nitpicked on. I know that I certainly don't want my husband to be micro-managing me and I don't have the incliniation or time to micro-manage him. Occasionally one or the other of us needs a bit of a prod from the other one to get going when there's some very visible foot-dragging going on. 

But, I must be different than your average woman. I've never been much of a talker and don't go around asking for advice from a cacophony of women friends. There are many, many things I make my own decisions on with no input from my H or anyone at all for that matter - same way with him. Then there's a certain area of 'big' things that we confer on and decide together, and if we can't make a decision together (extremely rare) he weighs all the opinions and decides.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes, Enchantment, and more I'm sure.

I truly understand, and agree with your points, there are several of you ladies here on TAM that understand such issues.

But at the same time, I can't be the only one that goes out in public and see's many a woman harping the he!! out of their husbands? (not to suggest that some don't deserve it)

But, my wife was horrible about this. a boundary that was very difficult to set and maintain without building additional resentment from her.

That being said, along with comments I have read even here on TAM from some that say they "did not get it", I thought it worth pointing out??


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Can`t anyone in this place take a joke?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I agree with most of what RDJ said... but as a woman, I'd like to add this...

A considerate man will let his woman know that he has an issue he is thinking about, and that he will figure it out without any help. Women get worried wondering what he is bothered about, wondering if SHE is the problem. 

A considerate woman will recognize when her man has a problem and what "it looks like" when he is stewing on it. If anything, she could say "looks like you are stewing over something, let me know if you want to talk about it or if I can help".... PERIOD. 

I agree that too many women do not do this. And many couples just don't communicate well enough to be able to say these things to each other.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Ladies, as a generalization, and just something to consider, I offer the following thoughts.
> 
> A man will never feel masculine if his wife controls the details of his life. He will always want to make his own decisions and solve his own problems. He may, and should at times ask your opinion, but will always feel more of a man if you allow him to be one.
> 
> ...


Understood.

So next time my husband won't stop to ask for directions, il allow him to continue his figure eights, wasting gas and wasting time.

Or like now, in a financial bind.. I should have just allowed him to pawn the wedding bands instead of calling the car dealership and our telephone company, knocking off $600 for their kind grace period... Which I suggested and he disregarded... I still had to do this myself because he was getting angry at this situation, sorry, I couldn't grit my teeth when I knew that there were options.

And i should not have sold the old unsentimental gold from my childhood earning us $500 we do not need to pay back. Which was also suggested to him before his brilliant pawing idea...

This was wrong, because he didn't get to solve the problem.

How about you boys just realize sometimes its good to take advice, yes, even from a woman...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You`ve almost got this right.
> 
> I`ve never known a woman to be interested in an actual solution to a problem.
> 
> ...


Yea, ok, keep telling yourself that....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

Forgive my cruel remarks. I know I'm being spiteful.. But it seems that the only thing I've gathered from men on this site, with the exception of a few, over the past 48 hours is..

Women, be sexy for your man. Be attractive for him. Understand he is not ignoring you, but consumed with his desire to provide for you as a husband, and his family as a father. Though he seems to be straying, continue to give him sex and blow jobs because you need to support him. Do not see his withering affection towards you as something to fret about, but wait it out... Keeping the sex and blow jobs plentiful until he comes around..

Do not chime in when you want to help, this will make him feel like less of a man.

Grunt grunt... And again, sex and blow jobs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

RDJ - for the most part I do agree with your post... the unfortunate part of this 'manhood'... that in my humble opinion there are very few actual men on these boards... mostly boys. (and the converse is true too... many princesses as well)

Women have changed over the years... our independence is just as assured as a man's. This, I find, is a threat to his entity... his unwillingness to accept change and redefine his 'manhood'. I have had enough of the primate biological responses... I would hope that since we are thinking beings, we have come to an age of reason. 

I am bemused when a woman asks for peace, time and space to think something through, one of the first responses is that she's cheating. However, its ok for a man to be granted the same without the same response.

As for problem solving... I will state my problem, that I would prefer to tackle it myself first, and if needed I will ask for assistance. I say this calmly and evenly... however, be it my H or a male co-worker, if I state this, they take it as an affront that problems can only be their department and if they are not involved they are being shunned or left out of the solution. That they are less of a man...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not about letting anyone be anything.

A real man will be a man even if his wife won't "let" him do it.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Ladies, as a generalization, and just something to consider, I offer the following thoughts.
> 
> A man will never feel masculine if his wife controls the details of his life. He will always want to make his own decisions and solve his own problems. He may, and should at times ask your opinion, but will always feel more of a man if you allow him to be one.
> 
> ...


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

I will not sit back for the sake of my husband feeling like a man if I think there are better options out there, or options without so much recoil. I first make a suggestion, when he blatantly disregards or flat out ignores them, I wait a bit to see if he will come around. When he continues to "solve" his problems even after I've expressed concern associated with his "solution," I, in turn, feel like he views me as a child. 

Just because I lack a penis does not mean I also lack the ability to think... 

True, marriage is a partnership. A MAN and a WOMAN. We are equal. 

Make me feel like a woman, and I guarantee you will feel like a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Ladies, as a generalization, and just something to consider, I offer the following thoughts.
> 
> A man will never feel masculine if his wife *controls the details of his life*. He will always want to make his own decisions and solve *his own problems*. He may, and should at times ask your opinion, but will always feel more of a man if you allow him to be one.
> 
> ...



Can't say I don't have ball's


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Can't say I don't have ball's


Balls are weak.. Grow a vagina, those things can take a pounding. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

Ok ok, so lets get into specifics, RDJ.. Aside from how much it annoys you when your wife asks you to switch lanes..

What problems have you wanted to fix where it would be "ok" for her to put her two cents in, or where you might have even asked her to do so?

And what problems have you wanted to fix without her help? Where it was "not ok" for your wife to express her thoughts on the matter?

Perhaps personal experiences of yours may enlighten me, and help me, in the future, to realize when my help may be needed and possibly even appreciated, rather than seen as emasculating my husband..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

It can just as easy work to your advantage. Be honest, how many time have you created a useless arguement that your man learned nothing from? he walked away just blaming you for being a beotch, if you would have let him be a man and FAIL, you could have then came back and made your point stick.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> Ok ok, so lets get into specifics, RDJ.. Aside from how much it annoys you when your wife asks you to switch lanes..
> 
> What problems have you wanted to fix where it would be "ok" for her to put her two cents in, or where you might have even asked her to do so?
> 
> ...


Hope you don't mind if I answer tomorrow?

I'm going to emasculate myself and clean the bathroom :rofl:


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Not my man. He does not call me a beotch just for stating my opinion.

I am getting the sense that you simply posted this nonsense to incite.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> Balls are weak.. Grow a vagina, those things can take a pounding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol::lol:
Betty White is a prize, isn't she?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I have to agree with RDJ when it comes to the nagging, if that is what he's talking about. If my wife was to keep telling me when to change lines, I would probably go "FFS don't tell me how to drive! Sheez!"
But hey I nag her too, especially with her cooking, to the point now she forces me to cook with her lol!

There is a difference between nagging and giving advice, and it's not just what you say but how you say it. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. For example, my wife had a spending problem, but the more I nagged, the more she spent. So I went "OK! FINE! Now you can see the damage you do to our finances!" and gave her the responsibility of managing our finances, a big spender... being a financial manager? What was going through my head?

Well... it solved everything! Let your spouse surprise you, don't always try to micromanage. My wife's cooking is still shat from time to time but overall she's a lot better then before but she only improved when I approach her calmly and not nagging her left right and center.

I told my wife years ago that I want her co-operation and understanding not her obedience. But does that mean I want to be nagged? No! 

Does she give me advice? Hell the success of my business she can also claim credit for. But did she nag me? Yes! Did it help? No! But what happened when she approached me differently? I took her advice, and not only that, I feel EMPOWERED by her, and I began to cherish her opinion more and more. 

Sometimes despite her intelligence she can still be a bit naive but instead of putting her down all the time too I make her understand why my decision still stands. Even if she doesn't agree, she understands that my business is my responsibility, and considering we are very financially stable, why rock the boat eh?

But if I put her down when she does give advice, then yeah, I expect her to nag. This is a two-way street.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tacoma said:


> I`ve never known a woman to be interested in an actual solution to a problem.
> 
> They prefer to just talk and talk and talk about it until it gets solved by someone else for them, usually some man.


 I am not like this , I am a problem solver myself, I don't sit idly by. Talking & talking without any action gets on my nerves too. I am more emotional than my husband, but I am no less of a problem solver than any man. Though HE would have to do the "heavy lifting" if required. Anything else, I would probably be the one "on it" first.... sometimes he needs to slow me down. Researching , gathering info is always what I do best -then we weigh pros & cons & solve together.

For instance, anytime my husband has a strange unsolvable problem with his Chevys , just can't figure it out with a Haynes Manual or Chilton, I get a thorough understanding out of him of what is happening , then I articulate it on a Chevy forum, explain it in detail , I even mention I am the wife asking --these experts are generally pretty willing to help us out - I do this while he is at work, then I print the answers out - this has helped us in a pinch a # of times, or at least pointed us in the right direction to solve the dilemma. 

I mentioned this thread to my husband tonight, cause it is just NOT this way in our marriage, I wanted to see what he would say as he has ALWAYS wanted my advice at every turn ...... he says ....."you are my other rib, I want your imput, you are intelligent &.... you're usually right". From the horses mouth. (forgive me , I know this sounds like I am bragging to the high heavens, but he did say this) 

He did add though.... if he was married to some of my friends , he would want to solve more on HIS OWN, except for one, he really thinks she is very level headed & knows alot. But the others, No, he would rather solve himself. So I guess it just depends. 

I don't feel my husband is any less of a man- because he is this way, wanting his others ribs advice. He added he knows he can say anything to me, and I am very forgiving also, I don't throw things back in his face, we all make mistakes & have problems come along. I know the fact he is more on the Beta side compared to the typical Alpha male is likely another reason he is this way. Not just because of me. This is another reason I prefer men tipped on the Beta scale. 

There are many times I say to him...."You decide, you know more than me"!! He has just never been one to hide his problems /issues/concerns/ from me, the only thing he has ever hid from me is downloading Playboy bunnies and his feeling rejected over sex, nothing else- ever, that I can even think of. If he has a problem at work, words with a co-worker, irritation with the boss, problems with the vehicles, something going on in his family, kids, house, health, anything.... he comes to me, we talk, it is this way on both sides, we want to handle all of it together, side by side, hand in hand, imput on both ends...always. 

Of coarse there were times he didn't want to stop for those directions & would have wasted more time & gas when I did a little harping, but he knew we needed to stop. Thank God for GPS's! The last time , on a little vacation, the GPS went haywire in a small hick town in the mountains...the lady behind the counter couldn't even pin point where we were on the map & the customer who tried to help- sounded like he had marbles in his mouth, couldn't even understand him, so we still never got the directions, but had a great laugh over the people in that area.... Luckily, we figured it out on our own to get back to our little cabin in the woods.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I have limited time to reply, I will do so in pieces.

First I will say this; I welcome your opposing views. Through conflict comes growth, assuming that one is willing to admit when they are wrong. Any time on this forum, and in my life, that I have been shown to be wrong, I have/and will admit it, apologize, and change my view. I would ask that you do not judge me if you cannot express the same.

To “incite”, I find offensive. I have posted dozens of threads expressing that a man should love, honor, cherish, and respect his wife. 

One of the few posts that I express a woman should also allow her man to be a man and you’re ready to hang me in the town square. 

*What’s up with that?*

I will be happy to come back and defend my position, but I would ask that you show me where I am wrong first? I did not express that this is the case in every marriage, or for every woman. 

But I would also ask how many women have come here and expressed a concern that their husband is un-sexual, how many of these same women may be guilty of “emasculating” there man, not understanding or unable to admit that they themselves may have created part of the problem they are now complaining about?

Do I "incite"? Yes! I incite thought, is that an issue???


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Hope you don't mind if I answer tomorrow?
> 
> I'm going to emasculate myself and clean the bathroom :rofl:


Aye aye, I'll hurry up and wait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> There is a difference between nagging and giving advice, and it's not just what you say but how you say it.


 Very True - I see a big difference too, but here is the thing..... Is the man holding up his end of the responsibility........is he playing video games 5 hours a night while the car is jacked up in the garage waiting to get brake shoes changed, or the roof is leaking, things us women just can't do. I can't see how a woman wouldn't start bit**ing nagging at that. It goes both ways. I rarely nag because my husband is not a slacker, there is nothing to nag about. But I can see why some women might, given their situations. It may not help at all -but yeah, it is her cry of frustration. He may have to show more responsibility -to calm her nagging.

Or maybe she just expects TOO much, there is a huge difference from what is truly important -in running a life and marraige .... and what is "frivolous" and expecting to be treated as Royalty. 



> But what happened when she approached me differently, I took her advice, and not only that, I feel EMPOWERED by her, and I began to cherish her opinion more and more.


 I like this, it matters how we deal with our men in these things ...... nice to hear how you described this -feeling "empowered", and cherishing her opionion.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I have limited time to reply, I will do so in pieces.
> 
> First I will say this; I welcome your opposing views. Through conflict comes growth, assuming that one is willing to admit when they are wrong. Any time on this forum, and in my life, that I have been shown to be wrong, I have/and will admit it, apologize, and change my view. I would ask that you do not judge me if you cannot express the same.
> 
> ...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I like this, it matters how we deal with our men in these things ...... nice to hear how you described this -feeling "empowered", and cherishing her opionion.


Yes, to the point a part of me always wondered what would it have been like if we grew up on the same streets. We might have taken over the city the time we hit our 20s, she is incredibly resourceful at times, and at other times she even surprises me.

Still... I like to make blonde jokes... :rofl:


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The other day I told my wife I had a good idea for one of the kid's presents, a handheld electronic game, and asked if there was any reason she could think of not to get the game - did she already have a gift in mind, etc.

She said no, she thought it was a good idea. So I told her that I would purchase it. In my mind, problem solved and consensus reached. 

But then, she then asked me if we could "think on it". A vast Facebook discussion was born between her and about 10 of her friends, discussing a wide range of options, including mine. After about 3 days, a consensus was formed between the friends and there was quite a bit of excitement as all the kids in the neighborhood would have the same toy.

Of course, the consensus was the exact game that I had picked out and purchased during a one-day sale at a 20% discount because I did not need the Facebook consensus to make a decision. All her friends had to pay full price. 

Rather than being thankful for the money savings, I was considered a bad guy because I did not wait for the Facebook friends to weigh in and confirm the soundness of my decision.

I don't know if this kind of thing is exactly what RDJ is talking about but it's what jumped to mind when I read it. I don't even know if it's a guy thing, but I don't understand why my thoughts had to be cleared with Facebook friends before it became a good opinion.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I don't understand why my thoughts had to be cleared with Facebook friends before it became a good opinion.


F--k FB! WTF!!!!



> I was considered a bad guy because I did not wait for the Facebook friends to weigh in and confirm the soundness of my decision.


:rofl:

You're not serious are you? Sh-t you are... can't your wife see how stupid this is? lol


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

I calmly approached my husband and tried to pin point a few times where I may have nagged, I apologized,and wanted his honest opinion as to whether this made him feel like I wasnt confident in his judgments or abilities. I want to know so I can stop because though he is the one who cheated I am also aware that I've made mistakes.. And I want to fix that.

He said not a thing. Silence scares me.

In the past, though, I have tried to allow him to make decisions and he returned with, "you are so indecisive! I don't need more of a work load, I need support!"

When I try to help, I again get lashed out on because he takes all of his anger and frustration out on me.

I've pointed this out before and he agreed, he only talks to me with such hatred..but all I got was a forced and fake apology. I recognize this as gas lighting but I don't know how to make him understand it without offending him or trying to sound "holier than thou".. In a way though, I feel like I'm in am emotionally abusive relationship..

What do I do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

And here I thought I'm the emotional abusive a$$hole f--k wipe of a husband =/

Ok ok fine I'll stop taking the p-ss... tell me GoingNowhere, give me an example of your calm approach


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> And here I thought I'm the emotional abusive a$$hole f--k wipe of a husband =/
> 
> Ok ok fine I'll stop taking the p-ss... tell me GoingNowhere, give me an example of your calm approach


Let me first give a bit of back story.

Our relationship was great, couldn't have been better. I had a few hang ups with sex, but I was becoming more and more comfortable. This was my biggest mistake: fearing that he would do the same thing my ex had done. Cheat. 

From the time I was a child, my father told me I was useless, a mistake, ugly, fat, he never wanted me.

I looked for "love" in the wrong places. In older men, until I met my ex. He treated me like a princess, then... he began verbally abusing me. Cheating... and that led to physical abuse. Even then I stayed because he reminded me that he was the only man who ever "loved me".

My H and I met while I was in that relationship. I disappeared because I was still blinded by my ex, and I also felt that my feelings toward my now H was cheating.. I didn't want to be a cheater. I eventually left my ex and waited 6 months to contact my now H again, as I didn't want him to be a rebound.

We met, fell madly inlove, got married.

A year later, I'm pregnant with our daughter. He gets orders to Iraq. While he's gone, he emails an old friend that he has been having dreams about her. I was only mentioned to say, "Don't tell her." Mind you, our daughter was only 1 month old when this happened.

This blossomed into an emotional affair.

He came home when she was 4 months old. We spent about two weeks together, I welcomed him off the bus.. I was unaware of what happened. I was adjusting to my new body, I was scared for him to see me.. but I made my best effort to be the "happy wife" and encourage the "happy family" i wanted us to be... I knew he would take time to readjust after Iraq, though... so I brushed off his "coldness" to that.

I left to come back home, where I moved so I didn't go through pregnancy alone. He had about a month before he could leave base and follow, he was getting out of the military.

The day he came home, he was 10 hours early.. he told me it wouldn't be til around 10pm... he showed up at noon.

I thought it was him surprising me. We went to walmart.. and yes, insecure me asked to see his phone claiming that mine was dead. I just couldn't shake that something was different.

I saw a picture of this friend of his, half naked... Titled "Sexy _____"... 

He tried to tell me that his friend borrowed his phone, yadda yadda yadda.

After much lying and denying and me getting the OW on the phone.. He finally admitted that he was home early because the original plan was to go to her place first and have sex.

He was home as a "civilian" for the following year. During that year, a few times, I would have nightmares or just be downright sad about it. I would tell him, "Baby, I know you said you are sorry, I love you, but I just need you to hold me.. I just can't shake the sadness right now and I need you to tell me you love me."

He would sigh and say, "How come every time it seems like something is going right, you bring this **** up again?"

I would cry, and it went on like this forever.

It got to the point where I would say, "Baby, please don't be mad at me..... I just need you to talk to me.." same response.

I finally started to say, "Please, please don't be angry with me. Please remember I love you. But everything is NOT OK, because I'm hurting.. I feel like she's not gone. Have you spoken to her?"

He would reply, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I HAVE NOT TALKED TO HER..... WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET IT GO?"

..... I tried to hide my pain.

All that happened, starting July 2009 (when I found out)... in June 2011, I found out that he had been keeping contact with her through text the whole time, even met her at the park.

He then said, "You don't want me to talk to her? Is that an ultimatum?"

"The difference between you and her is she never made me feel inferior."

"What's the BIG DEAL if I talk to her?"

"If only you could see the texts you would realize that every time we talked I told her how we SHOULDN'T BE TALKING!"

... When I mentioned that we got new phones in january, and he was the first to text her..

"OK, FINE, SHE GOT MY NUMBER OFF OF FACEBOOK AND YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ - SHE CONTACTED ME, AND I TOLD HER WE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING"

......It doesn't take 6 months of conversations to tell her you shouldn't be talking..and your number isn't listed on FB.

"IF YOU KNOW SO MUCH, AND YOU SUPPOSEDLY HAVE THESE TEXTS, YOU COULD TELL ME WHAT WAS SAID, BUT YOU DON'T, DO YOU?"

He told me a few days later, he finally calmed down... and that when he came home, we could work on things. But in September of 2011, I found out that 5 days after returning state side, he met up with a hooker in a hotel room. Drafted $300 out of the account.. bought alcohol..... and still charged the hotel room on the bank card!

When I found the email that brought all that about, it also led me to information that merely 2 months after I discovered his EA, back in 2009, he started physically cheating with randoms from Craigslist.

He tried to make me believe that it was all a trap.. to catch me snooping... 

The emails, the craigslist postings (One of which told the OW on "missed connections" that she was his everything, and he should have taken the chance when he had it), the charge on the card - it was ALL A SET UP)

He even allowed me to apologize for not being the wife he deserved... and said, "It's OK, honey... but we play with the cards we're dealt with."

Now, he's angry that I never make any decisions.. and he HATES when I say, "Don't be angry.." when I want to talk. 

Ok, I told him, "It's because I'm afraid of you."

The first time I told him the truth, that's what it was. "I'm afraid of you."

..........................................

Tonight, my approach. I refrained from pleading him, "Please don't be mad"... I just went into it.

"I realize I've made plenty of mistakes, and I was reading a thread on a marriage site, because I keep wanting to look at ways that I can fix our marriage.. I love you and I want to be with you, so I want your input on this, please. 

On the site, it mentioned how -sometimes-, women need to allow their men to make decisions on their own when faced with a problem. That by interjecting, it can come off to their husband that they don't feel as if their wife is confident in their abilities to solve problems. I know in the past, I have approached you in a negative way.. even with the smallest of things. Such as - when you were putting together the kitchen caddy in our old apartment. I noticed you were putting a drawer on backwards, and I asked you, "Are you even reading the directions?" 

You got angry, rightfully so, and said you knew what you were doing. When the product was built, you noticed the drawer was backwards... tried to take it apart.. but you weren't able to. I snickered.. but I didn't mean to make you feel bad. But then when I mentioned the directions, you yelled, "Why didn't you say something?!"

I didn't realize that I might have made you feel bad for trying to interject, but I need to know how I can "help you" without giving off the impression that you're "wrong" and I'm "right".. it's never my intent. The times that I interject, do I make you feel like I doubt your abilities?"

He was quiet..

I said, "I just want to make sure that I don't do that. You are the man of the household and I am just confused on what to do sometimes. If I try to give my input, I feel like you get angry. If I don't give my input, you claim out of frustration that "I never help"... I want you to know that you can make decisions, but I also don't want you to feel like I expect you to be "the hero".. because that can put alot of stress on you. "

He changed the subject "How come you never just come out and say what's bothering you?"

I thought I had done that.. I was getting sidetracked and lost in the conversation.

It began like that.... it spiraled out of control and he began to make me forget what I set out to talk to him about in the first place!


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

After reading over my own post.. I realized I didn't chose the best example of me interjecting. I should have thought that through before approaching him.

I realize I wasn't just trying to ask for advice on how I can "help" him without emasculating him...

But I was also trying to make him see how he abuses me in the smallest ways... and he became defensive. i can understand that.

Maybe I'm just holding in so much hurt and anger.

Maybe there is just no hope.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

Also, please understand.. that I don't always interject this way. Since the EA, actually.. I have been treading lightly around him. That incident was pre-EA...

The most recent interjection was this week. He felt stressed due to finances. We are in a rough spot. He straight up said, "I don't know what to do."

I said, "Baby, there are options out there... "

He said, "I know! Unemployment was an option. And they denied me benefits because I didn't make enough last year! Bull****!"

He has orders.. but they don't start until mid January, because they messed up his package.. so we have to make ends meet for a month and a half, he will be missing out on 3 paychecks that he should not have to miss out on. I am a full time student. He gave me the OK to do this, I graduate in two months. But I also get blamed for not contributing to the account.... The year he was home as a civi, I was a manager making pretty good money, he was bringing home $300 a month doing car sales. It's not like I've never helped. He gave me the OK to quit working to attend school.. then I get scolded for it.

I told him, "I know, it's bull****, you served our country, I don't give you enough credit.. I appreciate it so much. Everything you do... But just because your first option turned you down, doesn't mean that you've exhausted all your options. I can go to WIC and see about food stamps. We can call the dealership and see if they will grant us a grace period on the cars... and I will call the telephone company and ask them as well."

I did so - and right there knocked off $600.... that's $600 that we don't have to worry about right now, and the dealership also extended the grace period next month... So, two months we don't have to make my car payment.

He didn't say anything... I didn't say anything. I just wanted to help.

Then, I found some old unsentimental gold that I had since a child. I gave it to him and said, "We can see how much this is worth.. this was given to me by my dad, so I don't care for it.. and it's yellow gold, I'd never wear it anyway."

He said, "I don't want to give your stuff away."

I told him I don't mind, it's ok.. it would just sit there in a box anyway.

A while back, I gave him my wedding ring. I said, "I want this to mean something to you. I have never taken it off before but after all this, I feel I've been pushed to that point. I'm not saying I don't want it back, but I want you to hold on to it.. and when/if you are ready to keep this promise to me, give it back to me..."

Today he said, "So I feel like an ass for saying it, but I was going to go and ask the pawn shop how much I could get for your ring."

I was angry that my unsentimental gold.. the suggestion I had made was dismissed. Yet my ring, he was willing to put up for "collat"??

I took the gold and got $525 for it - that we don't have to pay back.. I gave it to him and said, "Set aside $300 for gas when you need to drive to Cali. Hold on to $100, and I'll hold on to $100. If we don't hear back from the bank about a loan tomorrow, we'll add it to the "necessary fund".. and we will look into pawning the ring, because you said you would get it back, and I trust you will get it back. (I smiled) If we do hear back from the bank about a loan - and it's a go, we can use this for Christmas. (I smiled again)" He said, "OK"

.............. "OK" ..... ?


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

Yes.. too far gone. I could go on and on and this isn't my thread. I'm too far gone.....  My marriage is too far gone.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well... that brings back memories =/

Me having to go through hoops with her not wanting to become a rebound but... that's as far as I can share from experience however, and that almost saddens me... 

Your husband's issues seem very deep... I don't really know what to say. I dont think this thread can appeal to you however. I simply can't understand why you put up with him yet he is unwilling to show you and prove you to you that he is not a cheater either then trying to make you seem like a fool. But this is not what this thread is about.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

I know... I'm in my "angry" phase.... I go through sadness, anger, sadness, anger...

I was scoffing at this "generalized" thread.. because my husband is not the MAN it speaks of....


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

My sincerest apologies.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

FirstYearDown,

I value and respect your opinion, but I did start this thread by stating “Ladies, as a generalization, and just something to consider, I offer the following thoughts.” So in my opinion that would make this comment by you,” I just feel that some of your statements are written purely to offend female members.” incorrect. 

I stand by my thoughts, as I believe them to be true and more common than we may wish to admit.

That being said, I will apologize for allowing myself to be offended by your comments. That, to me, shows insecurity on my behalf. Some additional “personal growth” I’ll need to work on.

Goingnowhere,

I started to reply to you questions, but feel that I have already expressed myself in previous replies. 

I would ask that you consider the following?

I am the man/leader of OUR home. I lead myself and my family through what I have posted in this thread: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...s-leading-yeah-its-quite-long.html#post504279

I expect/insist on nothing less from my wife, than I am willing to FIRST give to her. 

My wife and I each very well know and understand our mutual boundaries. As we also know that we live inside of these boundaries by choice. I make it very clear to my wife that she ALWAYS has choices, she is free to do what she feels is best for her, as am I. 

In other words, we choose to live inside of boundaries, if we chose to no longer do so, we are each free to leave our marriage in an amicable way. No vindictive BS allowed, we are adults and responsible for our own decisions.

In my humble opinion, and with all due respect, that is what a marriage is supposed to be. If anyone reading this cannot appreciate/understand/respect that, I would, again, humbly and respectively say that is their issue, not mine.

Did I explain that in a way that makes sense?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> FirstYearDown,
> 
> I value and respect your opinion, but I did start this thread by stating “Ladies, as a generalization, and just something to consider, I offer the following thoughts.” So in my opinion that would make this comment by you,” I just feel that some of your statements are written purely to offend female members.” incorrect.
> 
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Not my man. He does not call me a beotch just for stating my opinion.
> 
> I am getting the sense that you simply posted this nonsense to incite.


Yea, my husband has never called me anything but my name...even in our worst moments.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

LOL. I never tried to stop my husband from his military duty, or his rock or ice climbing, etc. I even encouraged all that. But he still kept in touch with his ex-gf and failed to protect our marriage and lied to me and was abusive. It turns out that by 'letting him be his own man' he didn't feel needed enough at home, and equated distance with me cheating on him (which I wasn't). LOL. I so don't get your point about letting a man be a man. What's the evidence that this will work for anyone's benefit? I see that maybe for a particular person who feels 'hen pecked' or has a relationship where they have not enunciated to their spouse how they would like to receive feedback, so that it feels like unsolicited, controlling advice...then things need to change from a communications standpoint. But a receiver of a message needs to not take things too personally, and through giving feedback and guidance on how best to communicate to him/herself, then can move away from feeling so controlled...and if he/she is being controlled, then learn to establish some better boundaries for their personal space and legitimate needs in the marriage.

My daughter likes to tell me how to do things all the time. She's almost 8 years old. But I don't feel controlled by her. I just think she has a lot to learn in terms of communciation. If I took it personally and actually felt like I needed to do things her way and never told her like it was, in terms of realistic priorities and my own needs and respecting the needs of others in the family, etc. then I would be crazy. Balance requires some resistance, and it doesn't have to be knee-jerk resistance. It just needs to come from your heart about what you can and can't do and what you can and can't change for another person. Once in a while you can try doing something different, or ask why things might be done in a different way, or whether things are a priority in terms of the big picture or loved one's personal goals...so as to put time and energy where it really counts. 

I really liked watching the movie 'Buck'. It's about horses, but it's also about people. Achieving personal control and respectful balance in a relationship doesn't have to be a struggle. But someone has to step up to the plate and change their behavior, the way they react to what they perceive is provoking behavior or unreasonable demands, etc.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*.is he playing video games 5 hours a night while the car is jacked up in the garage waiting to get brake shoes changed, or the roof is leaking, things us women just can't do*

Women just can't do??? Really? Of course we can... we mostly just don't. Why perpetuate the idea that women "can't do" things? Makes no sense to me. Makes us look bad.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SunnyT said:


> *.is he playing video games 5 hours a night while the car is jacked up in the garage waiting to get brake shoes changed, or the roof is leaking, things us women just can't do*
> 
> Women just can't do??? Really? Of course we can... we mostly just don't. Why perpetuate the idea that women "can't do" things? Makes no sense to me. Makes us look bad.


I had a feeling someone would pick apart my words, some mechanicly inclinded woman--of coarse they are out there! I have helped take shingles off a roof, but I have never fixed a leak!

Well you are better than me, cause I don't know how , wouldn't have the slightest idea how to change break shoes ! I let mine do that stuff, and without him, I would be lost. I do all the cooking, cleaning, womanly stuff , and without me , he would be lost. 

But you are right, not all women are as clueless as me.  Either way, my point is , even if we could do it, we wouldn't be very happy if it was JUST US climbing the roof or fixing the car while he is in playing Warcraft.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Fair enough.

I don't know how to do brakes either. BUT.... I know that I could probably figure it out thru internet "how-to's" and a few phone calls to dad! 

It's amazing what we can do if we have to!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SunnyT said:


> It's amazing what we can do if we have to!


I am sure this is very true! I am just thankful I never had to find out. My husband is a superb handyman..... I have seen him get into a "pickle" so many times only to design his own "tools" -using the welder, the grinder, you name it -to accomplish some task, I admire that so much, he never gives up and never seems to have to call anyone to help him either. Amazes me, I praise his abilities. It may take a few days of brainstorming, but he gets the job done! 

With the patience I personally have, I would likely start swearing like a Truck driver & BLOW up the garage! So he can do his manly stuff, and I can do what I am good at.

I hope I am never single, I wouldn't handle the guy stuff well at all.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It's not about letting anyone be anything.
> 
> A real man will be a man even if his wife won't "let" him do it.


Not to pick apart the advice given by the OP, but this is what immediately came to mind when I read this. Simply put, there are areas where my wife is wiser and more knowledgeable than me. Then, there are situations where I'm leading, and she wants to have some say-so into what is going on. It would be a mistake to gauge my own sense of manliness on something that she says or does. Our only rule is that she doesn't get to suggest a turn after it has already passed, or when taking it would defy the basic laws of physics regarding momentum. Yes, I initially thought that a man shouldn't need a back seat driver in the relationship, but ask yourself what driving through the same toll booth in St. Petersburg four times in a row says about your own intelligence as a man? Her smug smile told me all I needed to know.

I'd suggest linking this post to the one about how to get sex enthusiastically and often. You can still be a man, even one who always gets the last word, if you judiciously add "yes Ma'am" to your vocabulary. 

Find manliness within. Lead when she defers. Follow when she leads. Besides, following gives a great view of her caboose.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Halien said:


> Not to pick apart the advice given by the OP, but this is what immediately came to mind when I read this. Simply put, there are areas where my wife is wiser and more knowledgeable than me. Then, there are situations where I'm leading, and she wants to have some say-so into what is going on. It would be a mistake to gauge my own sense of manliness on something that she says or does. Our only rule is that she doesn't get to suggest a turn after it has already passed, or when taking it would defy the basic laws of physics regarding momentum. Yes, I initially thought that a man shouldn't need a back seat driver in the relationship, but ask yourself what driving through the same toll booth in St. Petersburg four times in a row says about your own intelligence as a man? Her smug smile told me all I needed to know.
> 
> I'd suggest linking this post to the one about how to get sex enthusiastically and often. You can still be a man, even one who always gets the last word, if you judiciously add "yes Ma'am" to your vocabulary.
> 
> Find manliness within. Lead when she defers. Follow when she leads. Besides, following gives a great view of her caboose.


While I am not sure I agree with the OP on this being a "MAN" thing, I do thing that there are a couple of nuggets from the original post and through the thread.

First, is recognize that your spouse/partner may have a different style than you, and respect that. That they may address or solve problems in a different way does not make them wrong or a bad partner. Respect their method while also making sure that they respect you be keeping you in the loop on the process. 

Second, work on the joint process for decision making. Tone matters. The same words can be recieved quite differently based on the tone of the suggestion. Timing matters. Suggestions after the fact are typically not helpful, though again, the tone can change that. A sharp "you should have turned back there" will be receive much differently than a softer "I think we missed our turn." Be careful that in your quest to make the right decision, you don't unnecessarily trample over your spouse.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*REAL MAN ™* abides ...


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> While I am not sure I agree with the OP on this being a "MAN" thing, I do thing that there are a couple of nuggets from the original post and through the thread.
> 
> First, is recognize that your spouse/partner may have a different style than you, and respect that. That they may address or solve problems in a different way does not make them wrong or a bad partner. Respect their method while also making sure that they respect you be keeping you in the loop on the process.
> 
> Second, work on the joint process for decision making. Tone matters. The same words can be recieved quite differently based on the tone of the suggestion. Timing matters. Suggestions after the fact are typically not helpful, though again, the tone can change that. A sharp "you should have turned back there" will be receive much differently than a softer "I think we missed our turn." Be careful that in your quest to make the right decision, you don't unnecessarily trample over your spouse.


When using the driving scenario as an example, a guy who is very focused on being seen as a man's man by his wife might be the only one to bring negativity to the whole situation. I learned this through my wife. She likes the fact that I'm willing to drive in really challenging situations. To her, THAT is deferring to me as a man. She wants to be helpful, so she'll try to pay attention to where we are going, and offer suggestions. I was being very immature in getting angry because some of the advice was actually too late to help, or I really didn't need it in the first place. But it was my fault for letting it become an issue where I felt threatened. And even if she did it because of some sort of obsessive tendencies, this is the woman who chose to be my wife. The biggest part of becoming a man (or a woman) is not sweating the little stuff, and remembering to be thankful for the big stuff (her). Besides, the whole thing can become nuclear instantly, if she cries because of my harsh rebuke. Then, I feel like a heel.

I know my wife is only one woman, so I'm not an expert in the matter. She, however, is really impressed by a man who is unflappable, respectful, and passionate. When she sees this, asking her to modify her behavior to treat me like a man is not even needed. It tends to happen instinctively.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Maybe not the most articulate post I have put up, but I will say that* I truly enjoy the caliber of people I am amongst*, better pick up my game


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I had a feeling someone would pick apart my words, some mechanicly inclinded woman--of coarse they are out there! I have helped take shingles off a roof, but I have never fixed a leak!
> 
> Well you are better than me, cause I don't know how , wouldn't have the slightest idea how to change break shoes ! I let mine do that stuff, and without him, I would be lost. I do all the cooking, cleaning, womanly stuff , and without me , he would be lost.
> 
> But you are right, not all women are as clueless as me.  Either way, my point is , even if we could do it, we wouldn't be very happy if it was JUST US climbing the roof or fixing the car while he is in playing Warcraft.


My husband does laundry and grocery shopping. I don't view these things as "womanly", just things that need to be done.

I was raised to believe that only men can do certain things. I am terrible with directions or fixing anything...just don't have the confidence to learn.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Halien said:


> When using the driving scenario as an example, a guy who is very focused on being seen as a man's man by his wife might be the only one to bring negativity to the whole situation. I learned this through my wife. She likes the fact that I'm willing to drive in really challenging situations. To her, THAT is deferring to me as a man. She wants to be helpful, so she'll try to pay attention to where we are going, and offer suggestions. I was being very immature in getting angry because some of the advice was actually too late to help, or I really didn't need it in the first place. But it was my fault for letting it become an issue where I felt threatened. And even if she did it because of some sort of obsessive tendencies, this is the woman who chose to be my wife. The biggest part of becoming a man (or a woman) is not sweating the little stuff, and remembering to be thankful for the big stuff (her). Besides, the whole thing can become nuclear instantly, if she cries because of my harsh rebuke. Then, I feel like a heel.
> 
> I know my wife is only one woman, so I'm not an expert in the matter. She, however, is really impressed by a man who is unflappable, respectful, and passionate. When she sees this, asking her to modify her behavior to treat me like a man is not even needed. It tends to happen instinctively.


I agree, but think it is incumbant on both partners to not elevate the situation. You can be open to receiving advice, even if it is too late or not needed, yet resent the tone and manner in which that advice is conveyed. I have a couple of in-laws that take more than a little glee in pointing out in public the wrong decisions their husbands make on pretty minor things, all under the disguise of "being helpful and offering advice." Their tone and delivery pretty clearly indicates the real motivation for their comments.

I know that I am much better about not sweating the small stuff with my wife, partly due to my efforts and partly due to her having earned the benefit of the doubt when she says something that I could easily misconstrue. That is because she has demonstrated and made the effort to show that she is doing it to help us as a team, not to prove that she is right. I think she has gotten the same way for the same reasons.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I do!!!

I often thank him for the things he does, even if it's as simple as buying me my favorite scented laundry soap. I've written him letters showing my appreciation of his efforts to our marriage and raising our children.

I tell him I love his manly smell. He smells so nice all the time, maybe it's the laundry soap?lol. I don't nag, give orders, and I let him watch football whenever he wants. Or any other program on the TV. He works hard and deserves control of the remote. If there is a problem that needs to be solved, he will almost always ask my opinion. It's up to him whether he takes my advice, he values my opinion. We work things out together as a team.

I never criticize, make fun or belittle him in any way. Even at a group gatherings when the other women are doing so in a teasing way. I do not find this funny. I have full respect for my husband.

My husband and I have a very good marriage. He's a very good man. We are always pleasant to each other from the time we wake up until we go to bed. I appreciate everything he does for me and I let him know that often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I do!!!
> 
> I often thank him for the things he does, even if it's as simple as buying me my favorite scented laundry soap. I've written him letters showing my appreciation of his efforts to our marriage and raising our children. Spouses don't do these things enough; what kind wife you are!
> 
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think it has to do with chores, etc. It has to do with a man being a man of his word which will end all nagging/complaining/etc.

When a woman knows her husband/mate will do what he says without having to be told 1,000 times, she won't even have to ask. I never have to ask or tell my husband things that need to be done. This makes no sense to me. He is a man. He does what he sees needs to be done.  It's not about me "letting" him be a man LOL :rofl: ridiculous! He's a man because he chooses to be.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RDJ,
Your heart is in the right place. 

The sad truth of this stuff is: 

If you need her to "let" you be a man, you aren't a man. 

If you define and enforce boundaries, other people don't need to "let" you do stuff. 




RDJ said:


> Maybe not the most articulate post I have put up, but I will say that* I truly enjoy the caliber of people I am amongst*, better pick up my game


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> RDJ,
> Your heart is in the right place.
> 
> The sad truth of this stuff is:
> ...


Mem,

Appriciate the thought, I did not do a very good job with this post. Maybe I should have said something like "Quit nagging your spouse? (it does go both ways)

I have a personal boundary in my marriage, one that is well known and untouchable. " I do not give any sh!t, and I by no means take any!!!!"


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Of course. And I completely agree with that. My W limits her nagging to my driving. And even there she has improved a lot. 




RDJ said:


> Mem,
> 
> Appriciate the thought, I did not do a very good job with this post. Maybe I should have said something like "Quit nagging your spouse? (it does go both ways)
> 
> I have a personal boundary in my marriage, one that is well known and untouchable. " I do not give any sh!t, and I by no means take any!!!!"


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

=FirstYearDown, You haven't met my husband and I. We are the best of friends. My husband is better then any "girl" friend I've had. We are very much alike in so many ways. He has never raised his voice at me, ever. We have 100% transparency between us. You can believe what you want, but we do have a very good marriage. Just ask my kids, they will tell you. They are grossed out even when we kiss, we are very affenionate to one another daily. After 13 years, he still opens the car door for me. I really don't criticize him, ever. I actually find it disrespectful, even in a teasing way.

Since I broke my neck, I never take ANYTHING for granted. I live in severe pain 24/7. My husband is my biggest supporter and every night he makes sure I have everything I need. He has always put my needs before his. I now do the same. I honestly don't know anyone like us as a couple. Lately he has been one happy man since my drive kicked in full gear.

My first husband was abusive and we fought everyday. I went from one extreme to the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> =FirstYearDown, You haven't met my husband and I. We are the best of friends. My husband is better then any "girl" friend I've had. We are very much alike in so many ways. He has never raised his voice at me, ever.


 Just wanted to pipe in FirstYearDown, I also believe these things can BE , although it is rather on the rare side. Just as my husband doesn't need his "Man Cave" ---this is very rare for a man. But it is none the less true-for him. 

I can't say my husband hasn't raised his voice at me through the years -Ha Ha, I have tested the man's patience at times -he has needed to yell at me!! This is rare, but just saying. 

But if I was as calm as ImInLoveWithMyHubby, I bet I would be able to say this also.



> I really don't criticize him, ever. I actually find it disrespectful, even in a teasing way.


 And this, just my opionion now ....this is very very sweet -if that is what 2 enjoy & want from the other..... but if I was in a marraige like this, I would likely EXPLODE. I have been known to get out the claws of crticism -I TRY to use it in a creative more humorous way .... and Tease, Oh Lord .....YES !!! 

.... I don't feel it is always that disrespectful ....just depends on how 2 people get along - my husband likes some aggressiveness on my part, he is so odd, he has told me a # of times he likes "Beastly women". I am really making myself sound good now ! We enjoy some *wicked bantering *from time to time -if my husband couldn't dish that back to me, I would get very very very BORED . 




> I honestly don't know anyone like us as a couple.


 I believe the 2 of you are very unique indeed. 

2 hopelessly still in love phlegmatics, it does make sense to me. I couldn't help but throw the temperment in there, this explains why you are both very calm, never raise your voice & don't fight. 

I think we are all unique in our own ways, even if we can't imagine the same type of marriage another may have, it doesn't mean it is any less full of love , excitement , passion or marital fullfillment.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> =FirstYearDown, You haven't met my husband and I. We are the best of friends. My husband is better then any "girl" friend I've had. We are very much alike in so many ways. He has never raised his voice at me, ever. We have 100% transparency between us. You can believe what you want, but we do have a very good marriage. Just ask my kids, they will tell you. They are grossed out even when we kiss, we are very affenionate to one another daily. After 13 years, he still opens the car door for me. I really don't criticize him, ever. I actually find it disrespectful, even in a teasing way. I do not doubt that you have a wonderful marriage.  I just doubted that it was perfect.
> 
> Since I broke my neck, I never take ANYTHING for granted. I live in severe pain 24/7. My husband is my biggest supporter and every night he makes sure I have everything I need. He has always put my needs before his. I now do the same. I honestly don't know anyone like us as a couple. Lately he has been one happy man since my drive kicked in full gear.
> 
> ...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*I never criticize, make fun or belittle him in any way. Even at a group gatherings when the other women are doing so in a teasing way. I do not find this funny. I have full respect for my husband.

My husband and I have a very good marriage. He's a very good man. We are always pleasant to each other from the time we wake up until we go to bed. I appreciate everything he does for me and I let him know that often.*

This also describes my husband and myself. We show and tell appreciation, we compliment each other, we offer to help each other, we sext, we flirt, etc... I think we just want each other to know that we are happy to share life with them. We each came from (trying to figure out how to describe it) ....neglected/unrespected marriages of 25 years. Now, we have exactly what we want, what we each were striving for all those years, and we want to keep it going. And it's not really "work", as in "you have to constantly work at it"... it's really about appreciating the other person.

Granted its only been six years...as opposed to 25, but those six have been more genuine, uncomplicated, honest, and fulfilling than that whole 25. I can't imagine anything that would make it better!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

How nice that some of us have happy marriages!

We went through a very stormy phase when we were engaged. Sudden job loss was an issue. Now we have learned to disagree constructively and with love.

Fighting rarely occurs and when it does, we make up that same night! No holding grudges.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I don't think it has to do with chores, etc. It has to do with a man being a man of his word which will end all nagging/complaining/etc.
> 
> When a woman knows her husband/mate will do what he says without having to be told 1,000 times, she won't even have to ask. I never have to ask or tell my husband things that need to be done. This makes no sense to me. He is a man. He does what he sees needs to be done.  It's not about me "letting" him be a man LOL :rofl: ridiculous! He's a man because he chooses to be.


:iagree: That is perfect!


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I like to hear this myself ladies, it took my wife and I 30+ years of ups and downs, but I'm happy to say that we finally figured it out.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

The happy people are those that figure out that men and women speak 2 different languages. A statement that means one thing to a man can mean something totally different to a woman. I learned to be bilingual many years ago. 

Sadly many guys and gals never learn the implications of what they say from the other sexes perspective and thus continue to carry on within their own paradigm. This places them in a viscous circle of miscommunication and misunderstanding.

You don't necessarily have to agree with the other sexes perspective but you can avoid a hell of a lot of problems if you learn to understand their language. It is always easier to avoid a problem than it is to extricate yourself from it once it has occured.

learn to appreciate what makes men men and what makes women women and you'll live a happier life. Personally I don't want my W to think like me. I need her own special talents to balance out my typical male testosterone driven solutions. 

Its a balancing act; learn to walk the high wire!


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