# How should I proceed?



## Bolio24

So my wife just drove home from work in the middle of her shift and started to cry when she got here. She said there was no way to fix what happened and that she was so sorry. My first thought was that she had been laid off or fired. Instead she told me this story...

There's a guy at work, (we'll call him John as she won't tell me his name) that she talks to now and then and although they don't work in the same department, when they see each other they hug and say hi. They started to e-mail one another and it started off innocently enough. John asked her out to lunch several times and she often declined as she was too busy. Finally after some time, she did go out to lunch with him. 

The e-mails continued and progressively turned more and more personal. She said she said a lot of "stupid stuff." And he would respond back with more "stuff" and back and forth, etc. When I pressed her on what "stupid stuff" meant she wouldn't tell me exactly what was said.

So apparently John and his wife have been having marital problems. John's wife has been snooping through his phone and e-mail and allegedly found incriminating text messages and e-mails. Yesterday, the wife opened up an e-mail account with our house address as a username. She proceeded to send my wife multiple e-mails detailing how she knows what they're up to, and she's going to tell me what's going on, and F U etc etc. The wife plans on bringing a printout of all the e-mails to me to prove what is going on... 

I really don't know exactly how to react to all of this. My wife says she never "did" anything with John but she continues to tell me how sorry she is. I asked to see her texts but she won't show me. There have been several other clues over the last year plus that might indicate infidelity, or they might indicate that I'm paranoid.

I guess I'll wait to see what happens??? Either John's wife shows up with the e-mails or she burns my house down in retaliation. 

Sorry for the lengthy rant.


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## strugglinghusband

You just got your proof..You are not Paranoid, more than likely she told you before his wife did...Her not showing the texts is total BS, get them, maybe you got lucky and it got stopped beofre it progressed, but until you get all the info you wont know for sure, DO NOT TRUST what your wife is telling you, read up on here about the trickle truth..this link will help you.... 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

You also should talk with the OM wife, she may know quite abit more than you think.

PS...Do not under any circumstance, cry, beg, or plead with her..it will not work, (been there done that, it wont work) for if you do, it makes you look weak, think about that....you can not nice them out of an affair. 
Also get the book "Not Just Friends"


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## the guy

Your wife is still protecting the OM (other man) and it apperas she is sorry she got caught and would have kept the affair going if the OMW (other mans wife) didn't find out. This is a solid sign of little remorse, sure shes sorry for hurting you and feels bad, but at the end of the day her choice to have this EA or even PA is all on her and needs to own it and take responsablity...that includes;

telling you and showing you everything = a consequence in exposing her shameful behavior.

exposing the OM and giving you the info on him so you can compare stories with OMW = a consequence in no longer protect her boy friend.

A NC(no contact) letter writen by your wife and sent by you again another consequencse

Exposure to her family and friends.

Individual conceling to fix this behavior of lack of boundries , intitlement issues, or what ever her problem is in why she can't affair proof the marriage.

Quiting her job, every time this cowork crosses path with yout wife, those feeling will come back and it will continue to effect the dynamics of the marriage. Very important and one of the bigest consequences.

She must face these consequences and learn the tools to prevent this from happening again. If you guys sweep this under the rug ....yeasr from now it will happen again.

True remorse is owning up and taking the resposibility for the choices she made in dealing with an unhappy marriage.

Get tested for STD's (both of you) who knows how many women have been with OM. Again another consequences to prevent this from happening again and a sign on how serious this is.


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## The Middleman

Sorry dude, but I think she has been receiving "Sperm Injections" from John for a while now. (Just my opinion). Insist on full disclosure and full access to everything from her. If you don't get it, detach from her immediately! Meaning keep your distance from her, make her think she is going to loose you. 

Contact John's wife right away and get the story from her then call the company's HR department and tell them they have an employee that is a predator on women. Then expose this to everyone.


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## TRy

Tell your wife that you demand to know who the other man (OM) is. Tell her that if she will not come clean that you will assume the worst and file for divorce. Tell her that it is bad enough that she has cheated on you, but to not come clean means that she is still cheating. Once she tells you the name, demand to see the emails. She needs to do this right now. Tell her that once the OM's wife tells you everything that she will have lost the opportunity forever to try to earn your trust back. Be firm and do not back down. Your current marraige dynamic is not sustainable. The best odds of saving your marriage long term is to be willing to end it. Sorry that you are here. Good luck and be well.


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## Hope1964

Please read the newbie link in my signature. Your wife has a whole bunch of things she'd better do NOW, or you should kick her out.

You also need to be tested for STD's. ALL cheaters say 'nothing happened'.


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## TDSC60

Her refusal to show you the text messages shows that they got sexual and might have included plans to meet for sex or even saying how great it was after they did it.

You are not paranoid. Do not allow your wife to trickle-truth you. She only confessed because John's wife caught them.

I would contact John's wife ASAP so you can compare notes. You need to get more facts before you make a decision.

Edit: I missed the part where she is still protecting John by not telling you his name. Affair still in full force and they are conspiring to hide it. Yeah they had sex.


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## Caribbean Man

Your wife is not sorry for her actions and she is most likely not telling the truth

1] She refuses to show you the text messages.
2]She refuses to tell you what " silliness " they emailed each other about.


If it was just an EA, then she would have talked. But there is seriously incriminating stuff inside those texts & emails.

Contact the OM's wife as soon as possible, and tell your wife that you want the truth or she could start packing her stuff.

Block any access to the OM.


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## sigma1299

You're wife is right in at least one regard. There is no way to fix it as long as she continues to withhold information from you, IMO what she's done/is doing to you is just about one of the worst things a cheater does to the spouse they betrayed. She told you, "hey - I threw our marriage vows out the window but that's all I'm going to tell you." 

Here's what she's doing. She's withholding info while she and OM try to get a story straight that they both think they can sell. Their agenda in the conspiracy is to 1. not get divorced and 2. be able to continue their relationship. I know that sounds twisted, illogical and irrational - know why? Because it is but that's what's going on. 

The only way she fixes it is by giving it all to you, giving up trying to control or spin the situation, giving you all of the info and praying that in a massive display of honesty and capitulation you may just give her another chance. 

Your stuck until she comes fully clean - until then she's still picking him over you.


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## PBear

If I was you, I'd tell my wife she had one chance to tell me the truth about what happened between her and John. And if the proof from the OMW didn't jive with this, your divorce lawyer's name is xxx and she can start communicating through him.

C


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## TCSRedhead

It does sound a lot like what amounts to an emotional affair and possibly a physical one. At the minimum, I would get into a counselor and start talking about what did happen and start working on resolving the issues. It will not resolve by ignoring it and just moving on. The underlying problems and now trust issues will be there festering.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Why didn't you showed her the doors when she is not ready to come clean? Don't believe that its only an EA.

She is still in the A, she confessed not because she loves you or felt guilty for cheating on you but because OMW found out and was going to expose her to you. She is not giving you to details so as to straighten up the stories with OM. 

Dont trust a word she says, she is a liar who lied to you during her entire A.

Dont beg or plead, man up and put a bold face even if you want to R this marriage.

Expose her to her family and your family. Report their A to the HR. She should leave her job if you want a R, else they will be in contact and continuing their A underground.

She should be on her knees begging you for forgiveness and do anything needed for you to heal. She should be transparent.

Man up man up man up. Do the 180 and detach detach detach from her.


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## Jellybeans

Sorry this happened.

Tell her you are going to completely walk if she doesn't reveal his name. That the lying is what got her into this mess. She needs to tell you his name. Tell her she has 1 shot to come clean.

NON NEGOTIABLE. Until she tells you his name, don't bend fo rher. 

YOU are not in the wrong here. SHE is.


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## Jellybeans

PBear said:


> If I was you, I'd tell my wife she had one chance to tell me the truth about what happened between her and John. And if the proof from the OMW didn't jive with this, your divorce lawyer's name is xxx and she can start communicating through him.
> 
> C


This!!!!!!!!! :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Bolio24

Thanks for all the speedy responses. There's definitely a wealth of information on this site and it's almost overwhelming.

I don't want to make any rash decisions, as there are our two kids, 8 & 9 to consider, and I don't want to screw with their lives until I have 100% confirmation.


When my wife left to go back to work today, she told me to keep the garage closed so the other wife won't see I'm home. Apparently, my wife said the OMW was parked out in the street last evening waiting for me to come home to show me the e-mails. But since I work a night shift I never saw her.

I've already looked out the window like ten times.


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## PBear

Bolio24 said:


> Thanks for all the speedy responses. There's definitely a wealth of information on this site and it's almost overwhelming.
> 
> I don't want to make any rash decisions, as there are our two kids, 8 & 9 to consider, and I don't want to screw with their lives until I have 100% confirmation.
> 
> 
> When my wife left to go back to work today, she told me to keep the garage closed so the other wife won't see I'm home. Apparently, my wife said the OMW was parked out in the street last evening waiting for me to come home to show me the e-mails. But since I work a night shift I never saw her.
> 
> I've already looked out the window like ten times.


Why are you letting your wife drive this process? She should NOT be in control of the information.

ETA: You're in for a very rough ride if you continue this path...

C


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## Jellybeans

Um, you DO have confirmation. She told you. And apparently the OM's wife is about to tell you too.

Look, you NEED to man up right this second. It's yoru best shot at saving your marriage (i that is what you want).

Tell her RIGHT NOW she has ONE chance to tell you everything, including his name, and if she doesn't and you have to hear it from someone else, you cannot at all guarantee you are going to be there for her.

SHE HAS TO FEAR LOSING YOU. Not the other way around. It's your best shot.

We know. We read this every single day and know what your best chances are. If you don't stand up for yourself right this second and tell her you need the truth, you are going to blow this thing. She has to know you are NOT fvcking around. 

The "doormat" approach DOES NOT work.


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## unbelievable

She'd either be 100% transparent or 100% gone. She's already "confessed" to inappropriate communications but she won't produce the real evidence? The only logical conclusion is that she's concealing something worse...more than likely, a full blown affair. If this other woman hadn't stumbled across evidence, you still wouldn't know. I believe I'd be seeking dude's wife out and finding out what she knows.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Leave the garage door however you want it!
Your wife clearly needs to get out of the driver's seat before she crashes your marriage into the wall.
Buckle up!


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## Hope1964

Scuse me - your wife told you to HIDE from the OMW?

You're ignoring your wife, right? You're still going to get the emails from OMW, right?


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## Jellybeans

Bolio24 said:


> When my wife left to go back to work today, she told me to keep the garage closed so the other wife won't see I'm home. Apparently, my wife said the OMW was parked out in the street last evening waiting for me to come home to show me the e-mails.


*
ABSOLUTELY NOT.* She just wants you to cover up her affair. You hiding your car is ENABLING the affair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tell her you will do no such thing. 

Do not let your wife call the shots here. She is only wanting to control the situation so she can cover up her lies--to be selfish.

You need to try to get in touch with OM's wife... STAT. 

Right now OM's wife is your ally, your wife is your enemy.


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## Hope1964

I am just going to :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: to everything everyone else is saying. Your wife is a real piece of work!!!!


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## Jellybeans

unbelievable said:


> She'd either be 100% transparent or 100% gone. She's already "confessed" to inappropriate communications but she won't produce the real evidence? The only logical conclusion is that she's concealing something worse...more than likely, a full blown affair.


Excellent advice, Unbelievable.

And I'd tell her that "You either 100% come clean or I am 100% gone." 

My bet is it was a full blown affair. 

She is asking you to HIDE your car for chrissake's and won't even tell you his name. How utterly disrespectful and tasteless!


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## strugglinghusband

Get the info from the guys wife, dont let your wife know you got it..

TELL her to come clean with all of it and I mean ALL she hides or omits nothing, if she tells you didnt she didnt want to tell because she knew it would hurt you... call BS (cheaters script)..... if her story dosent jive with what the OM wife gave you(proof,emails etc), well then you know how low your wife has really sunk...


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## strugglinghusband

Jellybeans said:


> Excellent advice, Unbelievable.
> 
> And I'd tell her that "You either 100% come clean or I am 100% gone."
> 
> My bet is it was a full blown affair.
> 
> She is asking you to HIDE your car for chrissake's and won't even tell you his name. How utterly disrespectful and tasteless!



actually it tastes like SHAT!!!


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## tom67

strugglinghusband said:


> actually it tastes like SHAT!!!


Dude take charge and get that info or set all her sh**t in the garage.


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## Jellybeans

strugglinghusband said:


> Get the info from the guys wife, dont let your wife know you got it..
> 
> TELL her to come clean with all of it and I mean ALL she hides or omits nothing, if she tells you didnt she didnt want to tell because she knew it would hurt you... call BS (cheaters script)..... if her story dosent jive with what the OM wife gave you(proof,emails etc), well then you know how low your wife has really sunk...


Agreed. Don't let your wife know when you get the info so you can compare stories.

Right now you need to be very clear with yoru wife: "Come clean. What is his name? Tell me now or destroy everything good in our relationship. I refuse to live in an open relationship where only one of us knows what's going on. It's not fair and I deserve much better. Tell me the truth."

Say this without any emotion. 

What's happening right now is your wife is trying to buy time. That is why she wants you to hide your car, to not talk to the OM, to make it so that you don't find out the truth--all for her selfish reason of wanting to have you and also have her affair concealed. She is trying to buy time so she & the OM can get their stories straight so they can continue to deceive both you and his wife. So they can come out "cleaner" than how this looks. Which is utter bullsh*t and totally disrespectful. This is why you must stand your ground. 

Where is your wife right now? Are you with her? Her not telling you his name is so sh!tty. SOOO bad.

Is there anyone at her work that she has been talking about a lot lately or mentioning? Anyone you got a weird vibe from? Are you friends with anyone at her work? Facebook? Can you find this guy's identity via FB? His wife???


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## Jellybeans

I wish, just once, they'd take our advice.


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## Caribbean Man

Man you need to WAKE UP!
Your wife has full control of you.


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## strugglinghusband

Go into super duper stealth mode, calm, cool, collective,
You got the upper hand(you just dont know this yet, but you do), you have to be quick and decisive gather your intel..Do not give then time to work on thier stories...


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## Jellybeans

Struggling is right.

That is the approach you need to take. Keep your emotions out of it. It will seriously mess with her head. Be calm, state your boundaties. Let her know she has a choice to come clean. But you have a choice to walk if she doesn't.


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## TCSRedhead

I'm sure it's very difficult right now to try to stay calm since you're hurt but it's for the best. 

Asking for full disclosure and details about what happened is only fair - you can't make a decision about how you want to proceed until you understand what happened. 

It might be good to speak with the other man's wife to get her side of things but I would say that she is likely to be highly emotional.


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## Bolio24

Well I just sent an e-mail to her at work after hearing the advice here, pretty much demanding the truth out of her. I'm waiting on a reply. 


I really have no idea who this OM is. She works at a place with hundreds of employees and I really don't have contact with any of them. Her facebook is used for family stuff only so there's nothing on there and her phone is password protected, so I've never read anything on there.

Also, she told me about a year ago that there was a rumor going around at work that she was sleeping with a different guy there. That guy's name I know. 

But she said that it was just nasty office gossip. She used to go to the gym with this guy and occasionally hang out outside work with him, but they were just "friends". When I confronted her, she said I must not care about her appearance so she stopped going to the gym, put on twenty pounds, and said see what happens when I don't go to the gym!
This other guy also moved to an apt. about a mile from our house which really aggravated me. She said he's allowed to live wherever he wants!!


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## Acabado

Be proactive, find out nad meet that woman (BW) yourself, get the evidence, she'll be probably your ally.

And get yourself into PI mode ASAP. Keylogger, phone spyware, GPSs, VARs, check up the phone bill, search for seconds phone.

EA has been proven, at least gone for one year (the red flags, detachement you noticed). Likely also PA. Be ready to read her emails badmouthing you, embrace the impending raw pain reading these words...

I'm very sorry, man. Keep reading and posting. Most betrayed spouses make a ton of mistakes. Those who were there before can help you to avoid them and save you many headaches.


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## In_The_Wind

If in the future your wife asks to do things with the opposite sex I would say no her boundaries are non existant. Red flag- password protected phone, rumors at work-were there is smoke there is normally fire, I would also believe that more is going on than a EA i would believe that a full blown PA is going on 

Good Luck


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## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> Well I just sent an e-mail to her at work after hearing the advice here, pretty much demanding the truth out of her. I'm waiting on a reply.
> 
> 
> I really have no idea who this OM is. She works at a place with hundreds of employees and I really don't have contact with any of them. Her facebook is used for family stuff only so there's nothing on there and her phone is password protected, so I've never read anything on there.
> 
> Also, she told me about a year ago that there was a rumor going around at work that she was sleeping with a different guy there. That guy's name I know.
> 
> But she said that it was just nasty office gossip. She used to go to the gym with this guy and occasionally hang out outside work with him, but they were just "friends". When I confronted her, she said I must not care about her appearance so she stopped going to the gym, put on twenty pounds, and said see what happens when I don't go to the gym!
> This other guy also moved to an apt. about a mile from our house which really aggravated me. She said he's allowed to live wherever he wants!!


Now insist she gives the guy's name, his wife's name no emotion or you are seeing an attorney on monday again no emotion. You have to be strong enough to end the marriage in order to save it.It sounds crazy but it's true!


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## Acabado

> Also, she told me about a year ago that there was a rumor going around at work that she was sleeping with a different guy there. That guy's name I know.


 If trhat man wans't current OM it means your wife is a serial cheater. What she told you were pure damage control. She has been straying for a while.

Switch your mind. Your wife is not your wife anymore, she's your wayward wife (WW). They follow a script. Let us to help you to decode it, to react properly, to assist you with this.


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## Acabado

The phone bills. Check up the phone bills.


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## The Middleman

Bolio24 said:


> When my wife left to go back to work today, she told me to keep the garage closed so the other wife won't see I'm home. Apparently, my wife said the OMW was parked out in the street last evening waiting for me to come home to show me the e-mails. But since I work a night shift I never saw her.
> 
> I've already looked out the window like ten times.


This woman (OM's wife) is going to be the only way you are going to get the truth about this affair. The OM's wife wouldn't be this driven if this were just an emotional affair. I'm willing to bet this got physical and that is why OM's wife is bent out of shape.

What ever you do, don't be passive and don't believe the lines of bullsh1t and "trickle truth" you are going to get from your wife. Try to visualize what she was doing to/with him that is making the OM's wife react like this.


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## strugglinghusband

Bolio24 said:


> Also, *she told me about a year ago that there was a rumor **going around at work* that she was sleeping with a different guy there. That guy's name I know.
> *
> But she said that it was just nasty office gossip*.
> 
> This exactly how it started with my wife, a rumor at her work, she said its just all office BS the were just friends standard BS...Like a total dumbass I believed her & I was all trusting, not my wife no way no how....turns out the rumor mill was 100% correct....
> 
> ever hear the saying "where theres smoke, theres fire"?


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## Bolio24

She e-mailed me back and said she was sorry for being an idiot. And that I have every right not to trust her. The e-mails they shared were a way to mess around without it being more than what it really was.


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## PHTlump

Your wife would not have told you about the emails and texts unless they were damning. If she could explain them away as some inappropriate flirting, but nothing happened, she would have. She's keeping mum because they are terrible.

Get ready for more trickle truth until you see the evidence for yourself. As another poster once wrote, if she says they talked, they talked about sex. If she says they went for coffee, they went on a date. If she says they kissed, she blew him. If she says they cuddled, they had sex. It's always worse than they let on.

Given that your wife has admitted to an inappropriate relationship with this guy, it sure gives credence to the people who thought she was sleeping around at work before this. So, this is likely not her first rodeo. To make matters worse, she's not interested in making you feel any better about the situation. You need to just get over it. And quickly please.

So, I advise you that your default position should be to divorce your wife. You should start shopping for lawyers right now. You don't have to file yet. And once you file, you can always call it off. If your wife recommits to your marriage and does the heavy lifting required to put your mind at ease, or as at ease as it can be, that she is committed to you. But you need to start the divorce ball rolling to prove to her that you will not allow this to be swept under the rug like you did last time.

Good luck.


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## tom67

Acabado said:


> The phone bills. Check up the phone bills.


Not only the phone bills asap, if they look normal search her car/house for a pay as you go or "burner phone" and plant a var in her car and 2 in the house go to best buy walmart radio shack today!


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## Stonewall

You will get good advice from (sadly) experienced people here. Do yourself a favor and follow it. Everyone here has learned the hard way.


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## Pluto2

Remember, there is a WORLD of difference between remorse for getting caught, and remorse for doing the deed.
She needs to do what YOU want to save the marriage, and I'm afraid you are going to have to raise the D word. Filing papers is not getting a decree-how else will you convince her that you mean it. I hope it works.
Get phone records, check computer histories, ask for the name(s).
She must provide everything, without hesitation. If she is unwilling, she is not done with the A.


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## tom67

Separate bank account for you also if it is joint take half out today I know it's alot but the sooner the better you won,t be blindsided.


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## Pluto2

Bolio24 said:


> She e-mailed me back and said she was sorry for being an idiot. And that I have every right not to trust her. The e-mails they shared were a way to mess around without it being more than what it really was.


Dude, what it was was infidelity.


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## Stonewall

Also do not mention this website. These people will keep you a step ahead of her if you listen to them. But you don't want her to see the plays before you call a snap!


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## Acabado

> The e-mails they shared were a way to mess around without it being more than what it really was.


Please, believe us. Take every word from your wifes mouth with a grain opf salit. Verify every single one of them. Find out on your own how deep the rabbit hole is.

The script. The need to minimize, to downplay it to "silly", "innapropiate", "just friends" who went out of hand is very strong, she was busted, she's just reacting, barely coping. She's full into damage control mode. Don't beliueve her.

Display the snooping tools, contact that wife, verify long in the past about the gossip gym guy.

Talk to a lawyer yesterday, find out where you stand. Be firm with your wife; lay the law:
NC letter to every innapropiate, potential OM.
Demant total transparence in comunication devices from now on and accountability of whereabouts.
Full disclosure of marital transgressions, from minor to major ones.
Optional, changing jobs.

This is very serious, you need to risk your family in order to save it. Your marriage is in jeopardy. The old one is dead. Maybe you can build a new one with serious changes. Be very firm in your demands. Don't back off.


My advice? *Kick her out untill she's ready to come clean.*Tell her to stay away.


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## Jellybeans

Did she tell you his name yet??

Tell her you need to know his name. And the wife's name. Now. If she wants to save the marriage at all. If she wants you to trust her at all. She needs to be honest. Now is the time. 

She is still buying time if she hasn't told you his name. 

Can you access her phone bill online??? His # is likely to be on there. Can you check internet history? You may find a clue there.

You really NEED to get in touch with this dude's wife STAT. 

Her password-protecing her phone--major red flag. And now you know why. Cause she was cheating.



Bolio24 said:


> Also, she told me about a year ago that there was a rumor going around at work that she was sleeping with a different guy there. That guy's name I know.


This might be your guy. Generally people don't gossip about other people at work "sleeping togehter" unless they see something suspect. There is a chick at my job who was "suspected" of sleeping with one of the dudes here and guess what--it was true. She is known as the office sl*t. Nobody respects her at all and people shun her at the holiday parties. 



Bolio24 said:


> But she said that it was just nasty office gossip. She used to go to the gym with this guy and occasionally hang out outside work with him, but they were just "friends".


Might be your guy. Just saying. 



In_The_Wind said:


> If in the future your wife asks to do things with the opposite sex I would say no her boundaries are non existant. Red flag- password protected phone, rumors at work-were there is smoke there is normally fire, I would also believe that more is going on than a EA i would believe that a full blown PA is going on


:iagree:



Bolio24 said:


> She e-mailed me back and said she was sorry for being an idiot. And that I have every right not to trust her. The e-mails they shared were a way to mess around without it being more than what it really was.


Blah blah blah is the translation from that.

WHAT IS HIS NAME????? That is what you need to find out.


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## Jellybeans

Now is not the time for negotiating with her. 

Tell her she comes clean now. She has ONE chance. She needs to tell you his name. And the wife's name. Now. 

And she does know about the wife--cause she emailed her. Can you access your wife's emails????


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## tom67

Jellybeans said:


> Now is not the time for negotiating with her.
> 
> Tell her she comes clean now. She has ONE chance. She needs to tell you his name. And the wife's name. Now.
> 
> And she does know about the wife--cause she emailed her. Can you access your wife's emails????


Yea if she doesn't clean tonight have her stuff packed tell her mother why she is going to live with her.


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## Jellybeans

Bolio24 said:


> There have been several other clues over the last year plus that might indicate infidelity, or they might indicate that I'm paranoid.


Expand, please.

Oh and now you know why your wife said "John" and his wife have been "having marital issues over the past year." It's probably because he's been having an affair with your wife.

Her refusing to show you the texts is cause she is now cleaning up her phone. So you won't find out more stuff.

Do not believe a word that comes out of your wife's mouth. She does not have your best interest. Until she owns her affair and what she did and reveals his name and texts (prob deleted now) and emails (prob cleaned up now), DO NOT consider reconciling. NO NO NO.


----------



## Acabado

tom67 said:


> Yea if she doesn't clean tonight have her stuff packed tell her mother why she is going to live with her.


That firm. You have to be very firm with this.


----------



## tom67

Jellybeans said:


> Expand, please.
> 
> Oh and now you know why your wife said "John" and his wife have been "having marital issues over the past year." It's probably because eh's been having an affair with your wife.
> 
> Her refusing to show you the texts is cause she is now cleaning up her phone. So you won't find out more stuff.
> 
> Do not believe a word that comes out of your wife's mouth. She does not have your best interest. Until she owns her affair and what she did and reveals his name and texts (prob deleted now) and emails (prob cleaned up now), DO NOT consider reconciling. NO NO NO.


polygraph appt. next week don't tell her when.


----------



## Jellybeans

Acabado said:


> That firm. You have to be very firm with this.


Agreed. The ony thing that works with a cheater is *HARD CONSEQUENCES.*

This thread has me fired up!


----------



## Bolio24

Phone log only shows the number of her texts for the previous month - 1,950 texts

Hard to ascertain much from that although it seems a bit high. My phone was at 350 texts for the month.


Minutes were at about 200. Most of her communication seems to be through her work e-mail and by text.


----------



## Stonewall

you may be able to get the actual texts from your phone co if the phone is in your name.


----------



## PBear

Bolio24 said:


> Phone log only shows the number of her texts for the previous month - 1,950 texts
> 
> Hard to ascertain much from that although it seems a bit high. My phone was at 350 texts for the month.
> 
> 
> Minutes were at about 200. Most of her communication seems to be through her work e-mail and by text.


Is there any way to at least get the number that she's sending/recieving the texts from? 

C


----------



## Acabado

Take a calendar. Check up the dates/hours those texts were sent/received.


----------



## strugglinghusband

Bolio24 said:


> Phone log only shows the number of her texts for the previous month - 1,950 texts
> 
> Hard to ascertain much from that although it seems a bit high. My phone was at 350 texts for the month.
> 
> 
> Minutes were at about 200. Most of her communication seems to be through her work e-mail and by text.


I bet the boss would love to know how much company time was wasted for personal crap, like I said you got the upper hand, you can go nuclear if you need to :BoomSmilie_anim:


----------



## BjornFree

Clearly, your friend in all of this is the OM's wife. Do contact her at the earliest. Your wife will most definitely try to lie her way out of this, possibly blame shifting and gaslighting everything along the way. When cheaters open their mouths, lies come out. Don't trust a word of what she says or what she does. Trust your own judgement and get all the facts from the OMW


----------



## BjornFree

OH and once you do have enough evidence nuke her ass at her work place, to her family.


----------



## Acabado

Does OM's wife claims to be in possesion of the work emails? If not they were also comunicating by a secret account. So keylog the PC. Anyway you need to put your hands into these emails nad texts whatever they are. OM's wife is ahead of you.


----------



## cabin fever

100:1 odds your wife shows you "some" of the emails, not all of them. 

Get ahold of the OMW. You actively search her out, and find out what she knows. Don't telll your wife this. then see how the stories compare. there is a BIG BIG BIG reason your wife doesn't want you talk to her. 

Dude, 
right now, how you act, will determine the rest of your life. DO NOT ROLL OVER! Take Charge, Demand everything. Emails, texts, passwords everything!

Please, Please, Please do not let her tell you how to act!


----------



## Hope1964

Seriously, PLEASE make sure you get the info the OMW has.

Your wife MUST tell you who it is, NOW, or you pack her stuff up and have it waiting outside when she gets home.

Read my story (link in sig). I kicked my husband out the day I found out he was cheating. That was it - OUT. And he even told me everything I wanted to know. That was the wake up call he needed to get out of the fog, and today we're happily reconciling.

You MUST be firm.


----------



## strugglinghusband

If you expose and blow this far and wide open, do not be sorry you did, Make your descion and dont look back, if you want to keep your marriage you have to be prepared to loose it...
I know this all is coming at you hard and fast and alot of what everyone is telling you sounds like just the opposite of what you think you should be doing, but the advise you are getting is from people that have been there, tried and failed methods, with so much heartache in the process, the hard stance is the best stance, you dont have to be a ****, just a husband who is fighting for his marriage, a stand up guy, who has boundaries which he will not allow to be crossed or cross them himself..


----------



## Jellybeans

cabin fever said:


> Dude,
> right now, how you act, will determine the rest of your life. DO NOT ROLL OVER!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## bigtone128

Bolio24 said:


> I really have no idea who this OM is. She works at a place with hundreds of employees and I really don't have contact with any of them. Her facebook is used for family stuff only so there's nothing on there and her phone is password protected, so I've never read anything on there.
> 
> Also, she told me about a year ago that there was a rumor going around at work that she was sleeping with a different guy there. That guy's name I know.
> 
> But she said that it was just nasty office gossip. She used to go to the gym with this guy and occasionally hang out outside work with him, but they were just "friends". When I confronted her, she said I must not care about her appearance so she stopped going to the gym, put on twenty pounds, and said see what happens when I don't go to the gym!
> This other guy also moved to an apt. about a mile from our house which really aggravated me. She said he's allowed to live wherever he wants!!


Okay here's the deal - my STBXW told me when I was driving her to work "Oh by the way, I was reprimanded by the union for hugging a co-worker" she said it so casually I did not take notice and thought she was being honest with me...I asked her who the person was and it was a cook at her work.....then she tells me another day on the way to work - that her and her coworkers wanted to spend "Fridays after work going out with each other "teambuilding"" I never took notice because she was telling me and informing me - 2 weeks later she walked out the door. Guess what later came out? the person she was reprimanded for "hugging" was the person she moved in with. She was playing me all along - please listen to others on this site - your wife is GONE - she's not the woman you married. The people on this site know.....


----------



## tom67

Over 1900 texts, sigh. Yep threaten polygraph!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bolio24

Jellybeans said:


> Expand, please.
> 
> 
> Ok, here goes...
> 
> Tummy tuck and breast augmentation about 2 years ago. Both procedures were her idea.
> 
> IUD implant about three years ago.
> 
> Going to the gym with male co-worker, while she had traditionally been a "homebody"
> 
> Meeting with male co-workers outside work/sometimes taking off work early for various activities. Some of which I found out only from my kids.
> 
> Wearing g-strings and various lace panties to work when traditionally she would wear "granny panties".
> 
> More deliberate care of personal hygiene then in the past, ie shaving personal areas consistently, laser hair removal etc...
> 
> Password protected phone - won't even let me see photos on it.
> 
> 
> 
> I mean some of these things could be harmless, some could be cruelly coincidental. Some could just be middle-age setting in. Not trying to justify - only trying to see both possible sides.


----------



## strugglinghusband

Bolio24 said:


> Jellybeans said:
> 
> 
> 
> Expand, please.
> 
> 
> Ok, here goes...
> 
> Tummy tuck and breast augmentation about 2 years ago. Both procedures were her idea.
> 
> IUD implant about three years ago.
> 
> Going to the gym with male co-worker, while she had traditionally been a "homebody"
> 
> Meeting with male co-workers outside work/sometimes taking off work early for various activities. Some of which I found out only from my kids.
> 
> Wearing g-strings and various lace panties to work when traditionally she would wear "granny panties".
> 
> More deliberate care of personal hygiene then in the past, ie shaving personal areas consistently, laser hair removal etc...
> 
> Password protected phone - won't even let me see photos on it.
> 
> 
> 
> I mean some of these things could be harmless, some could be cruelly coincidental. Some could just be middle-age setting in. Not trying to justify - only trying to see both possible sides.
> 
> 
> 
> OPEN YOUR EYES!!! all red flags, ALL OF THEM!!!
> your effen killing me, you want to know why?.. because I was you, blind as a frigging bat, no blinder..
> please for the love of pete, read the newbies link all of it!!!
> Whats it going to take for you to see it? video,pics..I'm pretty sure something along those lines is forthcoming, OM wife is hot to find you bet she has a lot to show and tell you...
Click to expand...


----------



## Hope1964

Holy crap, man. That list is straight from the List of Signs your Spouse is Cheating!!!

I ask again - you ARE going to meet with OMW and get the emails, right??

And you have her bags packed, right?


----------



## Stonewall

You can't look at that much stuff on top of what just happened and not know whats going on dude. 

Come on and face friend you know its true. Now you have to deal with it. I know it sucks but you have to. Its zero hour. Add it all up. You know the answer. I'm very sorry but listen to your gut. Its been telling you for a while!


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> Jellybeans said:
> 
> 
> 
> Expand, please.
> 
> 
> Ok, here goes...
> 
> Tummy tuck and breast augmentation about 2 years ago. Both procedures were her idea.
> 
> IUD implant about three years ago.
> 
> Going to the gym with male co-worker, while she had traditionally been a "homebody"
> 
> Meeting with male co-workers outside work/sometimes taking off work early for various activities. Some of which I found out only from my kids.
> 
> Wearing g-strings and various lace panties to work when traditionally she would wear "granny panties".
> 
> More deliberate care of personal hygiene then in the past, ie shaving personal areas consistently, laser hair removal etc...
> 
> Password protected phone - won't even let me see photos on it.
> 
> 
> 
> I mean some of these things could be harmless, some could be cruelly coincidental. Some could just be middle-age setting in. Not trying to justify - only trying to see both possible sides.
> 
> 
> 
> All classi red flags. It is not harmless.
Click to expand...


----------



## anchorwatch

Bolio24 said:


> Ok, here goes...
> 
> Tummy tuck and breast augmentation about 2 years ago. Both procedures were her idea.
> 
> IUD implant about three years ago.
> 
> Going to the gym with male co-worker, while she had traditionally been a "homebody"
> 
> Meeting with male co-workers outside work/sometimes taking off work early for various activities. Some of which I found out only from my kids.
> 
> Wearing g-strings and various lace panties to work when traditionally she would wear "granny panties".
> 
> More deliberate care of personal hygiene then in the past, ie shaving personal areas consistently, laser hair removal etc...
> 
> Password protected phone - won't even let me see photos on it.
> 
> 
> 
> I mean some of these things could be harmless, some could be cruelly coincidental. Some could just be middle-age setting in. Not trying to justify - only trying to see both possible sides.


*Friend, don't do this! Please!*


----------



## tom67

:bangheado you guys still have sex if not she is saving it for others!


----------



## Stonewall

Please don't tell me you are going to lay down on the tracks with this train bearing down on you.....please!


----------



## Jellybeans

First of all -- it looks like everyone's quoting me as Bolio's post. Lol. I know... gotta love these "Quote" thingies.



Bolio24 said:


> I mean some of these things could be harmless, some could be cruelly coincidental. Some could just be middle-age setting in. Not trying to justify - only trying to see both possible sides.


Yes. Those things "could be harmless" -- but in this case, they're not. Because all of that plus the fact you just found out she's been having an affair and refuses to tell you with who-- they all = she has been cheating on you, probably for awhile now. 

I'm sorry.



anchorwatch said:


>


Love love love this pic!


----------



## bigtone128

tom67 said:


> Bolio24 said:
> 
> 
> 
> All classi red flags. It is not harmless.
> 
> 
> 
> Okay - my STBXW - starting tanning, doing exercises in the morning (even though she never was physically active), buying lingerie (new push up bras), buying stuff for "people at work", etc. ALL signs of something going on ..........
> 
> I later read that when a wife starts buying new lingerie and you are not seeing it....VERY bad sign....if you are not seeing it who is?
Click to expand...


----------



## Hope1964

What are you doing, Bolio? If you just disappear I am going to bang my head against a wall.


----------



## husbandfool

Eeeeewwwww!
Get tested for STDs ... quickly !!!!!!!!


----------



## strugglinghusband

Hope1964 said:


> What are you doing, Bolio? If you just disappear I am going to bang my head against a wall.


I think I will just cry into my beer tonight, if he does...

There's a tear in my beer

Cause I'm crying for you Bolio.....


----------



## cabin fever

When I said how you react will determine the rest of your life.....it really is true. 

If you roll over (even if its harmless, which I highly doubt) she will see this weakness, and either have no respect for you, continue the affair. (or both) 

If you grow a set, and stand up to her, you will either end the affair, end your marriage with your dignity, or let her know you will never put with this kind of BS. 

Please do the later.


----------



## Bolio24

Well she finally sent me the guys name after over an hour of waiting, though she doesn't know exactly how to spell his last name. And she doesn't know the wife's name.

I e-mailed back demanding the wife's name and a copy of the e-mails. She responded back, that I'm all she has in the world and she doesn't want to lose me.

Then she said that the e-mails all get deleted through a bulk process!



If the OMW comes by the house, I am definitely going to see what information she's got.


----------



## Vanguard

File now. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Divorce is a very lengthy process and if you get the jump on it right now, your path of options widens substantially. 

And hit her hard with the papers. Make it a surprise. You need to be cold, callous, and almost hateful in this process. I'm sure many of my comrades here will have the link to the "180" process, which is what you *must* do. She is still choosing the other guy, and you need to believe me, dude. _*She had sex with him.*_ Women are prideful, and they will never just admit things. I have been a marriage counselor for the better part of seven years and in my entire caseload there has _never been an unfaithful wife who confessed to everything without having to be badgered._ Even when confessing they will twist and contort reality so they can still look admirable within the structure of their morals. 

I know it's got to be so tough, believe me brother I know. But you need to get *stern and nasty*.


----------



## strugglinghusband

Bolio24 said:


> Well she finally sent me the guys name after over an hour of waiting, though she doesn't know exactly how to spell his last name. And she doesn't know the wife's name.
> You know his last name its ****sukermother****er*******
> 
> I e-mailed back demanding the wife's name and a copy of the e-mails. She responded back, that I'm all she has in the world and she doesn't want to lose me.
> Keep pressing for all of it, do not relent
> 
> Then she said that the e-mails all get deleted through a bulk process!
> How damn convenient, must have been a computer glitch
> 
> 
> If the OMW comes by the house, I am definitely going to see what information she's got.


EFFE THAT!! FIND HER YOURSELF!!!! get it all!!!


----------



## Vanguard

Bolio24 said:


> Well she finally sent me the guys name after over an hour of waiting, though she doesn't know exactly how to spell his last name. And she doesn't know the wife's name.
> 
> I e-mailed back demanding the wife's name and a copy of the e-mails. She responded back, that I'm all she has in the world and she doesn't want to lose me.
> 
> *Then she said that the e-mails all get deleted through a bulk process!*
> 
> 
> 
> If the OMW comes by the house, I am definitely going to see what information she's got.


How convenient. Dude she's lying through her teeth. Like I said... you need to make sure you have a granite chin. *FORCE* her to either come clean or face the world alone. She says you're all she has. *Tell her she can't have you unless she chooses you and only you!*


----------



## tom67

strugglinghusband said:


> I think I will just cry into my beer tonight, if he does...
> 
> There's a tear in my beer
> 
> Cause I'm crying for you Bolio.....


I hope he's not that much in denial maybe alittle ptsd mixed in there.


----------



## Stonewall

WhiteMousse said:


> File now. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Divorce is a very lengthy process and if you get the jump on it right now, your path of options widens substantially.
> 
> And hit her hard with the papers. Make it a surprise. You need to be cold, callous, and almost hateful in this process. I'm sure many of my comrades here will have the link to the "180" process, which is what you *must* do. She is still choosing the other guy, and you need to believe me, dude. _*She had sex with him.*_ Women are prideful, and they will never just admit things. I have been a marriage counselor for the better part of seven years and in my entire caseload there has _never been an unfaithful wife who confessed to everything without having to be badgered._ Even when confessing they will twist and contort reality so they can still look admirable within the structure of their morals.
> 
> I know it's got to be so tough, believe me brother I know. But you need to get *stern and nasty*.


this :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Stonewall

If you have a name join something like spokeo.com and search it. Find him and follow through!


----------



## cabin fever

oh man. I am really sorry bro. she is in Damage controle mode big time. Prepare yourself for the worst, and hope for the best. 

I somehow doubt all the emails got deleted. Get ahold of the OMW, now. Get the email she used to contact your wife, and contact her yesterday.


----------



## strugglinghusband

As for the delted work emails, let her know that since it was thru her work, the boss can get IT to retrive them....she will crap her panties or thong over that.


----------



## Jellybeans

How old are you and your wife?



Hope1964 said:


> What are you doing, Bolio? If you just disappear I am going to bang my head against a wall.


Haha! Don't piss Hope off, Bolio!



Bolio24 said:


> Well she finally sent me the guys name after over an hour of waiting, though she doesn't know exactly how to spell his last name. .


Bullsh!t. She works with him and had an affair with him. She knwos his name.



Bolio24 said:


> And she doesn't know the wife's name..


Also bullsh!t. She told you herself that the wife emailed her telling her that she knew about this.

Dammit I wish OM's wife woulda gotten on TAM too cause we could aadvised you both to go undeground with your intel and totally worked this from the inside out! This is why you never give up your intel to the cheater!!! 

Bolio--your wife is playing you. Hard. 

Tell her "If you don't want to lose me, then now is the time to be honest with me after lying to me or not. I want copies of the emails now. All of them. I will not tolerate bieng lied to any further(by omissions or otherwise). You and I know very well you know his name because you work with him, and you know his wife's name since she emailed you about the affair. Tell the truth. It's the least you can do."

Yes. Call it *AN AFFAIR* so it hits home for your wife cause THAT IS WHAT THIS IS. 




Bolio24 said:


> Then she said that the e-mails all get deleted through a bulk process!.


If you believe this, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. Your wife has probably deleted them all. But still, ask for them.

I pray the OM's wife goes to your house. And soon.

Your wife is sh!tting her pants right now. Know that. You have nothing to fear, my dear. Your wife does. Know that. Know it and believe it. You hold all the cards in your hand right now, eventhough it feels like you don't. You call the shots. So. Do. Not. Roll. Over. for her.


----------



## Jeffery

this is so gut wrenching, most of the posts have been spot on.

as hard as it might be you need to file for D now, dont be fooled by her tears. are you able to live with the fact that your wife has been letting an other man inside of her? and enjoying it to the point where she is willing to destroy you for some strange sex.


----------



## Jellybeans

You could call her job and ask for him and see if you get connected--that way you can find out the name.


----------



## Vanguard

I just need to point out, man... *PLEASE* remember this...

She did not confess. You were going to find out and she decided to try to seem as noble as possible. SHE POSTURED TO SAVE FACE.

SHE'S A ****ING POLITICIAN.


----------



## anchorwatch

Bolio, Jelly's right on. GIVE THE 'OMW' THIS SITE!!!


----------



## Vanguard

anchorwatch said:


> Bolio, Jelly's right on. GIVE THE 'OMW' THIS SITE!!!


Yes.


----------



## Bolio24

strugglinghusband said:


> As for the delted work emails, let her know that since it was thru her work, the boss can get IT to retrive them....she will crap her panties or thong over that.


That last part actually made me laugh...

I sent her an e-mail suggesting that maybe her boss could retrieve those deleted e-mails. She hasn't responded.

Checked out Spokeo, found a possible name match (if spelling is accurate) in a neighboring city. I'll have to sign-up to get more information later.

For now, thanks to everyone for the many suggestions. I have to leave for work. I'll keep in touch.

Thanks again.


----------



## PBear

So first off... If she's been contacting him through company e-mail, they have a corporate directory. Problem solved on how to spell his name.

Second, her statement about "you're all she has in the world and she doesn't want to lose you"... You need to make her understand that unless she comes clean and gives you everything you're asking for, she's going to lose you anyway. Her ONLY way out is the truth.

And I call bull-pucky on the "bulk e-mail delete" process. Offer to go in with her to her corporate IT office and ask for a copy of the e-mails.

If she sees you as weak and wishy-washy, and that she might be able to lie her way out of this mess, that's the option she's going to take. You need to become a hard-ass like she's never seen. And for the love of God... If you give her a boundary and consequence, MAKE SURE YOU ENFORCE IT! Backing down at any point will teach her what your boundaries are worth.

C


----------



## Hope1964

Bolio, I know exactly how you feel. You have just had a ton of bricks dropped on your head. You're having trouble breathing, the thought of food makes you want to puke, you want to grab a bottle and drink it and wake up next week to find it was all a bad dream. But what you do right now is VERY important. I wish SO badly that I had known about this place on March 13 2012 when I found out. Please, listen to what we're saying here. I know it's all shocking, but it's also all spot on.

Write your wife the email Jelly suggested. Give her a time limit of ten minutes, then if you don't hear back, pack up her stuff.

Your wife has been screwing another man for months, and probably this isn't the first time. It's a hard truth, and you have to come down hard on her.


----------



## Jellybeans

PBear said:


> So first off... If she's been contacting him through company e-mail, they have a corporate directory. Problem solved on how to spell his name.
> 
> Second, her statement about "you're all she has in the world and she doesn't want to lose you"... You need to make her understand that unless she comes clean and gives you everything you're asking for, she's going to lose you anyway. Her ONLY way out is the truth.


Ding! And I'd tell her JUST like PBear said _"Unless you come clean and give me everything I am asking for, you are going to lose me anyway. Your only way out is the truth. Stop lying to me. Tell me his full name and his wife's name now." _

Text her that now. Or call and tell her that now.

BE A HARD ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course there is a work directory. She is playing you hardcore! She knows his and his wife's name.


----------



## tom67

strugglinghusband said:


> As for the delted work emails, let her know that since it was thru her work, the boss can get IT to retrive them....she will crap her panties or thong over that.


Layer can subpoena them!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Bolio24 said:


> Well she finally sent me the guys name after over an hour of waiting, though *she doesn't know exactly how to spell his last name. * And she doesn't know the wife's name.
> 
> I e-mailed back demanding the wife's name and a copy of the e-mails. She responded back, that I'm all she has in the world and she doesn't want to lose me.
> 
> Then she said that the e-mails all get deleted through a bulk process!
> 
> 
> 
> If the OMW comes by the house, I am definitely going to see what information she's got.


Bullsh!t. You wife is probably screwing this guy in and around work based on some of the info you've added, and she doesn't know how to spell his last name? C'mon, how stupid does she think you are? Considering that your wife is stonewalling like crazy and trying like mad to prevent you from seeing these e-mails, there is clearly one of 3 things in there that will seriously hurt you: 1) She professed her love for him and she told him that she doesn't love you, 2) She has ripped you up one side and down the other and made you into the scourge of the earth and/or 3) There is clearly stated evidence that she slept with the guy (which I believe actually happened anyways btw). 

She says she doesn't want to lose you and is thus hiding these e-mails from you? Tell her that she has already lost you because she is 1) at a minimum emotionally involved with another man (or men), 2) she's wearing risque underwear to work and not for your benefit, 3) she's putting a lot of TLC into her vag and you are not reaping the benefits of that and 4) she is generally treating you with disrespect. If you do want to stay with her, I'd let her know that she better be prepared to crawl over broken glass to get you back.


----------



## bigtone128

Bolio24 said:


> Well she finally sent me the guys name after over an hour of waiting, though she doesn't know exactly how to spell his last name. And she doesn't know the wife's name.
> 
> I e-mailed back demanding the wife's name and a copy of the e-mails. She responded back, that I'm all she has in the world and she doesn't want to lose me.
> 
> Then she said that the e-mails all get deleted through a bulk process!
> 
> 
> 
> If the OMW comes by the house, I am definitely going to see what information she's got.


Okay she is probably with him now orchestrating the texts - she is stonewalling and thus protecting her AP and herself - once again, stand in line - you are second or third. 

All she has in the world my behind - she is afraid for what she has done - and telling you as such. 

My STBXW told me all her emails get deleted as well.......guess what happened? SHe's lying through her teeth - sorry mate!


----------



## Pluto2

Remember the puppies in 101 Dalmations, covering their tracks in the snow...... just saying.


----------



## Jellybeans

I just want to take a moment to give everyone who has contributed to this thread a big round of applause. This advice is some of the finest. It incorporates every single CWI "how-to" rolled into just a few pages. Everyone who has chipped in here has given some grade-A, 2x4 advice and, well, I am happy to consider you guys my "compadres of TAM." 

You are some smart cats with some big britches! 

Hard a$$es. All of ya!

Can you imagine if we had an Infidelity FBI? We would be able to nuke out an affair in less than 24 hours STAT, put up defenses, offenses, sub-plots, damage control, work from the inside-out like a freakin Jack Bourne Operation from the Bourne Identity. Got damn. You guys are awesome.


----------



## In_The_Wind

bigtone128 said:


> Okay she is probably with him now orchestrating the texts - she is stonewalling and thus protecting her AP and herself - once again, stand in line - you are second or third.
> 
> All she has in the world my behind - she is afraid for what she has done - and telling you as such.
> 
> My STBXW told me all her emails get deleted as well.......guess what happened? SHe's lying through her teeth - sorry mate!


ask her about the sent files


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Acabado said:


> Display *Install *the snooping tools, contact that wife, verify long in the past about the gossip gym guy.
> 
> *Kick her out untill she's ready to come clean.*Tell her to stay away.


I think this is the word that our friend from Spain meant to use. You don't want to display anything for your wife to see.


----------



## bigtone128

In_The_Wind said:


> ask her about the sent files


Mine deleted those as well - now I personally feel sorry for her or putting herself in such a desparate position - she lost everything for some slimeball..glad its her and not me.


----------



## Jellybeans

In_The_Wind said:


> ask her about the sent files


It doesn't matter what he asks. SHe has already decided her "cover" is that all of the emails were magically deleted by the fairy tale "bulk emails." 

Uh huh.

Right. 

Until she is ready to come clean, he's can expect more lies from her. She's not ready to own it. Which is why he needs to pull up is boot straps and set down some hard boundaries/consequencs and fast. She may be ready to own if he tells her this is it. The last chance. The final destination.

Really wish the OM's wife would be in touch with him soon! She holds a huge piece of the puzzle.


----------



## Hope1964

Jellybeans said:


> Can you imagine if we had an Infidelity FBI? We would be able to nuke out an affair in less than 24 hours STAT, put up defenses, offenses, sub-plots, damage control, work from the inside-out like a freakin Jack Bourne Operation from the Bourne Identity. Got damn. You guys are awesome.


I'll be Get Smart.


----------



## walkonmars

Bolio24 said:


> Phone log only shows the number of her texts for the previous month - 1,950 texts
> 
> Hard to ascertain much from that although it seems a bit high. My phone was at 350 texts for the month.
> 
> 
> Minutes were at about 200. Most of her communication seems to be through her work e-mail and by text.


Don't be surprised if somehow the phone got lost or stolen today

She's probably thinking of things you've done in the past in order to place some blame on you. I'm sure she can think of something no matter how trivial.

Be prepared. Don't buy either. Just shake your head in disbelief say nothing.


----------



## Vanguard

Jellybeans said:


> I just want to take a moment to give everyone who has contributed to this thread a big round of applause. This advice is some of the finest. It incorporates every single CWI "how-to" rolled into just a few pages. Everyone who has chipped in here has given some grade-A, 2x4 advice and, well, I am happy to consider you guys my "compadres of TAM."
> 
> You are some smart cats with some big britches!
> 
> Hard a$$es. All of ya!
> 
> Can you imagine if we had an Infidelity FBI? We would be able to nuke out an affair in less than 24 hours STAT, put up defenses, offenses, sub-plots, damage control, work from the inside-out like a freakin Jack Bourne Operation from the Bourne Identity. Got damn. You guys are awesome.


*Flex


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Bolio24 said:


> Jellybeans said:
> 
> 
> 
> Expand, please.
> 
> 
> Ok, here goes...
> 
> Tummy tuck and breast augmentation about 2 years ago. Both procedures were her idea.
> 
> IUD implant about three years ago.
> 
> Going to the gym with male co-worker, while she had traditionally been a "homebody"
> 
> Meeting with male co-workers outside work/sometimes taking off work early for various activities. Some of which I found out only from my kids.
> 
> Wearing g-strings and various lace panties to work when traditionally she would wear "granny panties".
> 
> More deliberate care of personal hygiene then in the past, ie shaving personal areas consistently, laser hair removal etc...
> 
> Password protected phone - won't even let me see photos on it.
> 
> 
> 
> I mean some of these things could be harmless, some could be cruelly coincidental. Some could just be middle-age setting in. Not trying to justify - only trying to see both possible sides.
> 
> 
> 
> :slap:
> 
> Even this guy could see what was going on:
Click to expand...


----------



## Vanguard

^^ Ha ha ha nice. I'll raise you this.


----------



## Entropy3000

Bolio24 said:


> So my wife just drove home from work in the middle of her shift and started to cry when she got here. She said there was no way to fix what happened and that she was so sorry. My first thought was that she had been laid off or fired. Instead she told me this story...
> 
> There's a guy at work, (we'll call him John as she won't tell me his name) that she talks to now and then and although they don't work in the same department, when they see each other they hug and say hi. They started to e-mail one another and it started off innocently enough. John asked her out to lunch several times and she often declined as she was too busy. Finally after some time, she did go out to lunch with him.
> 
> The e-mails continued and progressively turned more and more personal. She said she said a lot of "stupid stuff." And he would respond back with more "stuff" and back and forth, etc. When I pressed her on what "stupid stuff" meant she wouldn't tell me exactly what was said.
> 
> So apparently John and his wife have been having marital problems. John's wife has been snooping through his phone and e-mail and allegedly found incriminating text messages and e-mails. Yesterday, the wife opened up an e-mail account with our house address as a username. She proceeded to send my wife multiple e-mails detailing how she knows what they're up to, and she's going to tell me what's going on, and F U etc etc. The wife plans on bringing a printout of all the e-mails to me to prove what is going on...
> 
> I really don't know exactly how to react to all of this. My wife says she never "did" anything with John but she continues to tell me how sorry she is. I asked to see her texts but she won't show me. There have been several other clues over the last year plus that might indicate infidelity, or they might indicate that I'm paranoid.
> 
> I guess I'll wait to see what happens??? Either John's wife shows up with the e-mails or she burns my house down in retaliation.
> 
> Sorry for the lengthy rant.


Just reading this first post. 

This is a classic example of a workplace EA at the least. 

She will need to go NC with this guy forever. She needs to have complete transparency. One or the other should change companies IMO to ensure this.

Withdrawal will take some number of weeks six to eight maybe. ANY contact whatsoever will start the clock over. It is very common for the parties to backslide in the first week especially. So there needs to be monitoring going on.

After this one can work on the marriage in earnest. I suggest the couple do His Needs Her Needs together. This is a boundary problem so the the couple should discuss, define and agree on boundaries going forward.

Spending alone time can get many folks in trouble. This includes going to lunch alone.

I will now read the rest of the thread.


----------



## anchorwatch

Hopefully the OMW has enough vengeance in her heart and will put a pin in Bolio's WW's balloon.


----------



## Hope1964

I guess he went to work. I am going to have to break my self-imposed weekend ban this weekend to see what he does!!!


----------



## tom67

I hope he listens he just found and I'm glad he's here but like Mark Koernke would say he needs an anti dizzying stick aka baseball bat:lol: All kidding aside stay strong. Monday go see an attorney and find out how much to subpoena company emails and texts maybe 400 to 600?


----------



## anchorwatch

Hope1964 said:


> I guess he went to work. I am going to have to break my self-imposed weekend ban this weekend to see what he does!!!


Yep, he went to work and his WW and her cohorts just got off for the rest of the night. Would anyone else call in sick tonight or is that just me? :scratchhead:


----------



## PHTlump

Bolio24 said:


> Tummy tuck and breast augmentation about 2 years ago. Both procedures were her idea.
> 
> IUD implant about three years ago.
> 
> Going to the gym with male co-worker, while she had traditionally been a "homebody"
> 
> Meeting with male co-workers outside work/sometimes taking off work early for various activities. Some of which I found out only from my kids.
> 
> Wearing g-strings and various lace panties to work when traditionally she would wear "granny panties".
> 
> More deliberate care of personal hygiene then in the past, ie shaving personal areas consistently, laser hair removal etc...
> 
> Password protected phone - won't even let me see photos on it.


Ouch. That's pretty much a perfect storm for infidelity. And you helped matters along by trusting her too much. The fact is that your wife checked out of your marriage about two years ago. The surgery, grooming, and lingerie were for other men. You just got the bill. I'm sure they appreciate it.

You need to lawyer up NOW. Your position needs to be that your wife has two options. First, she can continue her game playing where she tries to tell you only as much as you can independently verify. By choosing this option, you need to tell her that you will definitely divorce her. Second, she can come completely clean right now. Tell you everything, show you everything, give you all her passwords, take the password off her phone, etc. By choosing the second option, there is a chance that you won't divorce her.

Those should be her only two options. And you should be leaning toward divorcing her. This wasn't a drunken mistake where she got too handsy with some dude. This has been taking place for years with multiple men right under your nose. That goes beyond disrespect for you. She is outright contemptuous of you.

Good luck.


----------



## tom67

anchorwatch said:


> Yep, he went to work and his WW and her cohorts just got off for the rest of the night. Would anyone else call in sick tonight or is that just me? :scratchhead:


I would have called in and waited for her! And dna test the kids in front of her to show you what you think of her!


----------



## PBear

BTW... Keep in mind that she's not going to lose you because she shows you the e-mails and text messages. She's going to lose you because of what SHE put in the e-mails and text messages, if it comes to that. Don't let her guilt you or blameshift you out of what you need to do.

C


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Bolio24 said:


> For now, thanks to everyone for the many suggestions. I have to leave for work. I'll keep in touch.
> 
> Thanks again.


Nooooo. Don't go. This would be a great day to take a personal day and wait for the OMW to appear at your doorstep. You've got the rest of your life to work. I'm sure your boss would understand.


----------



## TDSC60

Bolio24 said:


> Jellybeans said:
> 
> 
> 
> Expand, please.
> 
> 
> Ok, here goes...
> 
> Tummy tuck and breast augmentation about 2 years ago. Both procedures were her idea.
> 
> IUD implant about three years ago.
> 
> Going to the gym with male co-worker, while she had traditionally been a "homebody"
> 
> Meeting with male co-workers outside work/sometimes taking off work early for various activities. Some of which I found out only from my kids.
> 
> Wearing g-strings and various lace panties to work when traditionally she would wear "granny panties".
> 
> More deliberate care of personal hygiene then in the past, ie shaving personal areas consistently, laser hair removal etc...
> 
> Password protected phone - won't even let me see photos on it.
> 
> 
> 
> I mean some of these things could be harmless, some could be cruelly coincidental. Some could just be middle-age setting in. Not trying to justify - only trying to see both possible sides.
> 
> 
> 
> Damn man!!! Open your eyes. This stuff screams affair(s)!! There is no other "possible side" to this behavior. You are in denial and do not want to face the truth. The best possible scenario is that she has zero respect or love for you and zero respect for your marriage and family.
> 
> VAR and GPS her car and put a keylogger on her computer if you want hard evidence. It's there, you just have to look for it.
> 
> People have been convicted of murder in a court of law on a lot less circumstantial evidence.
> 
> Prediction : You will find multiple affairs with multiple co-workers and other "friends" ranging over the last 3-4 years. She is the office party girl. Up for anything with anybody.
Click to expand...


----------



## Hope1964

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Nooooo. Don't go. This would be a great day to take a personal day and wait for the OMW to appear at your doorstep. You've got the rest of your life to work. I'm sure your boss would understand.


No doubt.


----------



## In_The_Wind

Yes how could you go to work in this kind of shape


----------



## walkonmars

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Nooooo. Don't go. This would be a great day to take a personal day and wait for the OMW to appear at your doorstep. You've got the rest of your life to work. I'm sure your boss would understand.


Having been blindsided yesterday and the overwhelming (good) advise today, he is dazed and confused. Trying to maintain some sort of normalcy - which for today is going to work. After all, really - she's already gone so what's another day.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

In_The_Wind said:


> Yes how could you go to work in this kind of shape


I hope to god he's not a heart surgeon.


----------



## unbelievable

Bolio24 said:


> She e-mailed me back and said she was sorry for being an idiot. And that I have every right not to trust her. The e-mails they shared were a way to mess around without it being more than what it really was.


What's the difference? The harm of adultery is the betrayal, the loss of intimacy, the invasion into your marriage. On the very unlikely event that she wasn't actually boning the guy, it's only because she didn't find the opportunity...yet. She had as much evil intent as if she had ridden him like a stolen mule every day. 
I wouldn't hide from the devil, especially in my own home. You've done nothing wrong. She's done enough hiding and sneaking. If the guy's wife is pissed, she has every right to be.


----------



## tom67

I hope he comes back up for an update-sigh- hopefully a good one.


----------



## The Middleman

Bolio24 said:


> Jellybeans said:
> 
> 
> 
> Expand, please.
> 
> 
> Ok, here goes...
> 
> Tummy tuck and breast augmentation about 2 years ago. Both procedures were her idea.
> 
> IUD implant about three years ago.
> 
> Going to the gym with male co-worker, while she had traditionally been a "homebody"
> 
> Meeting with male co-workers outside work/sometimes taking off work early for various activities. Some of which I found out only from my kids.
> 
> Wearing g-strings and various lace panties to work when traditionally she would wear "granny panties".
> 
> More deliberate care of personal hygiene then in the past, ie shaving personal areas consistently, laser hair removal etc...
> 
> Password protected phone - won't even let me see photos on it.
> 
> 
> 
> I mean some of these things could be harmless, some could be cruelly coincidental. Some could just be middle-age setting in. Not trying to justify - only trying to see both possible sides.
> 
> 
> 
> OK, so none of this set off alarms in you when it was going on? Please tell don't tell us that you shrugged this all off without doing or saying something.
Click to expand...


----------



## warlock07

Bolio24 said:


> Well she finally sent me the guys name after over an hour of waiting, though she doesn't know exactly how to spell his last name. And she doesn't know the wife's name.
> 
> I e-mailed back demanding the wife's name and a copy of the e-mails. She responded back, that I'm all she has in the world and she doesn't want to lose me.
> 
> Then she said that the e-mails all get deleted through a bulk process!
> 
> 
> 
> If the OMW comes by the house, I am definitely going to see what information she's got.


What a pathetic manipulative liar!! Tell her that you are kicking her out for lying and deleting the mails.


----------



## TDSC60

While I think she is a liar and a cheat and OP hasn't even uncovered the tip of the iceberg, the bulk email deletion might actually be true.

All emails over 30 days old are deleted each month by my IT unless they are saved by the recipient in Archives.

Dude, if his wife emailed your wife recently as you said in your first post then your wife has OMWs email address.

That is where you start. Contact OMW using that email address and direct her to YOUR email account so you can communicate. Ask her what evidence she has and request copies of all. Rent a PO box if you have to so your wife cannot intercept anything or meet OMW for coffee and have a direct exchange. I think you are going to be shocked even if you try to prepare yourself before hand.


----------



## dantheman

Best bet is to check her phone records (att, verizon, etc) and find the number she has been texting or calling a lot.

Once you have that I can tell you how to do a reverse lookup (free site)

Your story sounds similar to mine where at first I only found out a little bit, but then turned into an investigator and found out WAY more.

People are right, this is just the tip of the iceberg. You have a bumpy road ahead of you.


----------



## Chris989

bolio your wife is lying.

The problem is, she is lying to protect the relationship with the other man.

She will continue todo this until you stop the affair that is undoubtedly happening.

Good luck, but understand you are on the losing team right now.

Please take this seriously.

Worst case if you're wrong then you just proved to your wife that you care.


----------



## Acabado

Overdose of info/advice.
I'm a man of lists. Write down your list. Prioorice the tasks.
Self protection: Lawyer's apointment, finances protection?, no sex for now. Implementing the 180.
Gathering evidence. Snooping tools, contacting MOM's BW, searching house for old info.
Confrontation; Laying the law; NC letters, inmediate transparence, full confession since the boob job and changue of habits. STD tests, quitting the job? IC? Kicking her out if she refuses. Weighting surgical/nuke exposure.
Self care: Plenty of water, sleep, doctor, STD test. IC? Study of 180, posting and reading here, educate yourself about the subject.

Hanging there friend.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

I really hope OP listens to all this "laser guided truth" advice he is getting from some experienced posters. From my reading here it seems most betrayed husbands rugsweep or forgive their WW's too quickly, or think they understand but their own predicament is "different" so the standard advice doesn't count.

I hope OP doesn't end up following this same pattern


----------



## SomedayDig

It's amazing that this thread began not even 8 hours ago and it's on Page 10 already!

Bolio, listen closely to some of the advice given to you here, man. A LOT of us have been through exactly what you're going through. She WILL trickle truth you. She WILL blameshift you. She WILL gaslight you. It's sad because it's what they ALL do. Call it human nature of the cheater.

For you, well, brother...you gotta figure out what YOUR breaking point is. What is YOUR deal breaker?


----------



## FryFish

Dude, your wife rushed home in the middle of her workday BECAUSE her OM let her know that his wife is planning on telling you everything... NOT because she is sorry she has been ****ing him...

She wants YOU to hide from the OMW... what the **** is that? The omw is your only ally in this... your wife is the enemy right now.


----------



## Shaggy

I'm betting that a number of people at work know much more about this affair, and likely past ones, than you are getting.

So far what you do know:

1. Your wife chose to go under the knife to up her sexiness. She already had you, do you also know this wasn't done to get to you.

2. She switched to sexy underwear for work. Clearly she was showing it to someone.

3. People at work had picked up on her past affair, but because the OM was single she kept you happy enough that it didn't explode.

4. This time it has exploded because OM has a wife and the wife caught them. OM likely initially panicked , dumped your wife to save his own hide, and warned her that his wife is hunting for you.

5. Your wife is panicking and is in damage control mode, because she knows you are not going to be happy when you find she's been cheating for a while, and this isn't the first time.

The panic mode don't going to last super long, she'll find the world didn't end and she will start getting comfortable and back on the prowl. You need to act quickly.

My advice:

1. You really really want to talk to the OMW. Find her and talk ASAP.

2. Have your wife take a polygraph test this weekend. Google polygraph and your city. You'll find a number of providers and it's only a couple of hundred bucks. If she's eager to save the marriage, she should jump at the chance.

3. You really need a VAR in her car. She might talk to herself, she might have a conversation with a friend about the affair. Bestbuy or Walmart, many like the Olympus.

4. Talk to her boss,HR, and to someone she's complained about inthe past. Her friends will cover for her, but if you directly ask the boss or HR if there has been any inappropriate relationships involving your wife or not. They might knw a lot, but haven't reached out to you. You asking them may reveal a lot.


----------



## Shaggy

Btw, you need to realize that your wife is likely. Trying to cover for the OM, do his wife doesnt throw him out.

It's not about her trying to be a good wife. It's entirely about getting you to cover up the affair to help the OM.


----------



## keko

Bolio, you need to wake up and open your eyes my friend.

Just from what you posted its obvious your wife has been cheating for years, and likely with multiple guys since she was so good at hiding and you were to blind to see what was going on around you.

My opinion, play dumb to your wife as if you forgave her until you get more facts about her affair's. then you'll have a better understanding of how to proceed whether divorce or something else.


Oh and get tested for STDs right away and no sex with your wife from now on.


----------



## Shaggy

Btw you can do home semen tests on those sexy undies she wore to work, it might be worth a dive into the hamper to pull out and test the ones still in there.


----------



## tom67

Shaggy said:


> Btw you can do home semen tests on those sexy undies she wore to work, it might be worth a dive into the hamper to pull out and test the ones still in there.


let bil read nebob's thread I'll try to find the link. I don't want to find out it's a 6 year thing like BFF!


----------



## Entropy3000

Bolio24 said:


> Well I just sent an e-mail to her at work after hearing the advice here, pretty much demanding the truth out of her. I'm waiting on a reply.
> 
> 
> I really have no idea who this OM is. She works at a place with hundreds of employees and I really don't have contact with any of them. Her facebook is used for family stuff only so there's nothing on there and *her phone is password protected, so I've never read anything on there.*
> 
> Also, she told me about a year ago that* there was a rumor going around at work that she was sleeping with a different guy there.* That guy's name I know.
> 
> But she said that it was just nasty office gossip. *She used to go to the gym with this guy and occasionally hang out outside work with him,* but they were just "friends". When I confronted her, she said I must not care about her appearance so she stopped going to the gym, put on twenty pounds, and said see what happens when I don't go to the gym!
> *This other guy also moved to an apt. about a mile from our house* which really aggravated me. She said he's allowed to live wherever he wants!!


:redcard:

Still reading. Looks like a serial cheater here who hangs out with ( dates ) other men.


----------



## Entropy3000

Bolio24 said:


> Jellybeans said:
> 
> 
> 
> Expand, please.
> 
> 
> Ok, here goes...
> 
> Tummy tuck and breast augmentation about 2 years ago. Both procedures were her idea.
> 
> So she was upping her sex rank with this and going to the gym.
> 
> IUD implant about three years ago.
> 
> If you have a vasectomy this is even worse.
> 
> Going to the gym with male co-worker, while she had traditionally been a "homebody"
> 
> Going to the GYM with a male co-worker.
> 
> Sorry this is not acceptable in my marriage period.
> 
> Meeting with male co-workers outside work/sometimes taking off work early for various activities. Some of which I found out only from my kids.
> 
> Sorry this is not acceptable in my marriage period. Forget all the rest. Add to this her lying by omission since you had to learn from the kids.
> 
> Wearing g-strings and various lace panties to work when traditionally she would wear "granny panties".
> 
> NFW. Some women wil tell you they to feel sexy. That said, innthe context of all else this was for the other men.
> 
> More deliberate care of personal hygiene then in the past, ie shaving personal areas consistently, laser hair removal etc...
> 
> Same as above.
> 
> Password protected phone - won't even let me see photos on it.
> 
> Won't let you!? Huh? Are you serious? So secrets are a deal breaker in my marriage.
> 
> I mean some of these things could be harmless,
> 
> *Stop. Just stop.* Sorry but this is so much now I am doubting your verasity here. It is ike you wrote down every major red flag and added it in this thread. I guess I am waiting for the trips away amd late GNOs but indeed she was taking time off from work and so so she did not even need the others as cover.
> 
> some could be cruelly coincidental. Some could just be middle-age setting in. Not trying to justify - only trying to see both possible sides.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The absurd factor is really climbing here. You are living in an open marriage.
> 
> So with just what you know right now she should not be going to work to see the OM. She needs to go NC with him. Is there way more than this? Oh yeah. Bit you know enough to tell her to quit. She has basically confessed to having multiple affairs that folks of at work know about. Time to leave that job.
Click to expand...


----------



## moxy

You're not being paranoid. The red flags are rampant. She is cheating on you. The OM's wife's anger should be enough of a sign that the lies you're being fed from your own faithless wife are just that. She's not telling you his name or the truth of what they did because she hopes to avoid your anger at finding out the whole truth. She's still protecting him instead of your marriage and while she and John and now John's wife know what happened, you're the only one in the dark. If she can avoid telling you the truth, she can manipulate you, play out a sort of victim status (as the OM's wife is justifiable angry with her), and try to get you to rug-sweep the whole thing. Do not fall for it. Demand to know the details and have her commitment in marriage counseling or else you'll file for divorce. That's the only leverage you have. If she cares about the marriage at all, she will tell you the truth. His affair is blown, hers is blown, and both she and OM could re-commit to the spouses instead of AP's at this point, so...she has no reason to protect him, unless she is hoping to continue the affair once the OM's wife has been pacified and you've been duped into getting over her very significant betrayal. If she wants you as an ally, she shouldn't have betrayed you. Throw her to the wolves and see which way she seeks help.


----------



## tom67

Entropy3000 said:


> Bolio24 said:
> 
> 
> 
> The absurd factor is really climbing here. You are living in an open marriage.
> 
> So with just what you know right now she should not be going to work to see the OM. She needs to go NC with him. Is there way more than this? Oh yeah. Bit you know enough to tell her to quit. She has basically confessed to having multiple affairs that folks of at work know about. Time to leave that job.
> 
> 
> 
> You mean no contact with THEM plural. I'm sorry is this a troll I hope for this guy's sake.
Click to expand...


----------



## warlock07

i think OP is in the middle of the storm this night...


----------



## Decorum

Bolio24,

You have some of the best people on the board helping you hear, please listen to them.

It probably is as bad as they are saying and with out clear and Strong actions (as they suggest) you will hit many pitfalls that you could have avoided.

What needs to be done in these cases often seems counterintuitive, but they have been proven over and over again!


----------



## unbelievable

OP, I didn't read much of her behavior that I'd consider "harmless", especially taken in the totality of their circumstances. I'm not buying the "bulk process" email dump excuse, especially if she was on her company computer.


----------



## Hope1964

Damn, I hope he comes back.


----------



## Acabado

You wife has been putting the "aviable" vibes since the change of a appearance. You may think it's side effects of the cumpliments and overinflated ego but she was likely a "dry wayward" before she toke the decision to improve her looks, she wasl already in the slippery slope by the. She downgraded you in her mind.
Since then she has been actively crossing the marital boundaries. How far? It remains to be known for now.
They only way to break the cycle is going nuke, dismantling the whole thing, uncovering the second, secret life she has been living. She will fight it like a caged animal. You can't be soft on this.


----------



## sandc

Hope1964 said:


> I'll be Get Smart.


And I'm Jake from the Blues Brothers.

You know when I read this one I didn't comment. Like Entropy alluded to earlier this thread sounded like a troll. I've fed trolls before. Makes me feel stupid.

If he doesn't come back, or doesn't come back for a while that will lead me to think he made contact with OMW and is reeling under the crush of information he is being given. 

Or... maybe he's just still asleep from the night job.

Bolio, let me echo what someone else already said. 

She needs to quit her job.
She needs to unpassword protect her phone.
She gives you passwords to all her personal email and social networking accounts.
She surrenders her burner phone.
She needs to undelete the texts on the phone.
She needs to take a polygraph and answer questions for you. A lot of guys get parking lot confessions, don't stop there though, go for the poly.
No more guy friends, ever.
She gets a gps tracker on her phone so you know her whereabouts.
She writes down a timeline of all her affairs and includes all the detail you want. Times, dates, with whom, hotel names, who else knew, clothes she wore, what they did, right down to the positions if you want.
STD test now and again in 6 months. For both of you.

This is just for starters. The veterans can fill in a bunch of blanks for more things she needs to do. And this is what she should offering you, you should not have to demand it. At the very least she shouldn't balk at any of this, you're all she has right? 

Sounds like, not really. I think she has a bunch of other husbands too.

If you can't find OMW, then here is what you do. Pay a visit to her HR department. Tell them that your wife is having an affair with one of the employees. See if they will recover her deleted emails for you. Email is work property so see if they will at least let you have the non-work emails. My guess is they probably won't. But even if they won't. Let your wife think you have them. Ask her again to tell you the truth. Tell her it's her one chance to come clean. Then she'll tell you a LITTLE more.

But honestly, your best bet is to find OM's wife. Heck, as savvy as she sounds she may already be on TAM.


----------



## tom67

It is a bit trollish eh who knows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stonewall

tom67 said:


> It is a bit trollish eh who knows.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


viable point!


----------



## anchorwatch

Troll?


----------



## sandc

When they quote every red flag in the book and then ask if they should be worried about those things kinda starts snowing like a troll to me. But after reading so many peoples stories you just never know. Sometimes real life is far stranger than anything you could possibly make up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

anchorwatch said:


> Troll?


let's see if he comes back


----------



## TDSC60

sandc said:


> When they quote every red flag in the book and then ask if they should be worried about those things kinda starts snowing like a troll to me. But after reading so many peoples stories you just never know. Sometimes real life is far stranger than anything you could possibly make up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree up to a point.

A husband who truly loves his wife is under the impression that she loves him the same way. Even though the multitude of red flags are obvious to those who are here, the trusting husband cannot imagine that his wife COULD cheat with another man. The red flags still bother him but he simply is incapable of putting them together an arriving at the conclusion that is obvious to those who have seen it before.

I feel for him, he is in for a tremendous shock that will destroy his world. His wife has shown a history of trying to gaslight him when she thinks she could be exposed. She did it before with the "rumor" going around work that she was cheating and now with the EA/PA with another co-worker.

I almost hope this is a troll.


----------



## Chris989

Had I posted even 2 days before DDay I would have looked like a really bad troll. The signs were so screamingly obvious that I cringe in disbelief when I look back.

As somebody commented on another recent potential troll thread (that I am pretty sure wasn't in the end) even if it is, then the replies might help someone in a similar situation.


----------



## Bolio24

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

Looks like Bolio is still monitoring the thread.

Any updates?


----------



## Bolio24

I'm trying to get this message in before my wife gets back. She went to get her car washed and she took my daughter with her "just in case" as she put it. Her sarcasm is irritating. 

After having trouble logging in, I spent awhile reading and re-reading through the many different posts. I really appreciate all the "right to the point" advice.

I am going to try and use my phone to message again.


----------



## 67flh

so she took the daughter "just in case"---just in case you told her not to come home,and she wants daughter with her?


----------



## sandc

You might want to drive by the store and make sure she's there and not bailing with your kid.


----------



## tom67

sandc said:


> You might want to drive by the store and make sure she's there and not bailing with your kid.


What's the just in case bs. I'm glad you are back and taking the advice just say very calmly I want his wife's email so I can contact her and we'll see if your story jives with yours. By the way when she has time Chumplady might jump in I explained your situation and her h deals with workplace affairs harassment ect. Anyway you have the highground stay frosty!


----------



## alte Dame

Just read through this entire thread. It's truly amazing how efficient and on point you all are.

You're like the Men in Black of TAM.


----------



## Bolio24

Here's the e-mail that was sent by the OMW to my wife. All I can do at this point is share this with you as I'm about 8 beers in to my evening.

Soooo we heard you like to mess with married men. Does your family know that? What about your kids? Your Husband?...Its "name" right? Maybe a print out of ALL the emails back and forth to "name" is what we will do. We especially liked the part about you asking a married man if he would take a day off work for you. Wonder what you would have done on that day.....maybe lunch again but this time you wouldn't have to rush. yea right we're sure thats not it. The "location deleted" is such a small place maybe you would have went "location deleted"....Anyway soooo much more to discuss. We will be keeping in touch.


----------



## SomedayDig

Bro...you need to find her and compare notes.


----------



## sandc

You have OMW's email now. Contact her and talk things over. The information she has will be an eye opener. Maybe that's what the "just in case" comment by your wife meant. She's not expecting to come home tonight. Don't let her take your child with her when you kick her out.


----------



## sandc

SomedayDig said:


> Bro...you need to find her and compare notes.


QFT


----------



## SomedayDig

LOL...I still don't know what in the heck QFT means. I'm such a dork.


----------



## sandc

SomedayDig said:


> LOL...I still don't know what in the heck QFT means. I'm such a dork.


Dude, I've been a professional computer nerd for 20 years and I had to look it up.

QFT- Quoted For Truth

That's what I get for trying to appear "hip"


----------



## Bolio24

I plan on emailing her. But I mean the fact is my wife gave me the OMW email address. She knows that I could contact her at anytime. She has admitted that she carried on an email relationship with the other man for several months. But she rarely sees him at work as he works a different time shift. She also told me he means nothing to her. Everything that was said was only an escape from everyday mononity, sp?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

No. What you will probably find in the emails are recaps of their physical encounters. She'll tell you it was only make believe. It's not. Here is the trickle truth translation table:

just being there for him = Emotional Affair (EA)
it's just harmless flirting = we have been kissing
He kissed me = we had sex
we only had sex once = we have had sex many times
we only had sex a couple of times = I've lost count
It didn't mean anything = I told him I loved him
I really want to work this out = you are plan b, plan a has just dumped me
I am so sorry = I am so sorry I got caught
I am willing to do anything to fix this = I just figured out how to hide this from you

Whatever she tells you run it by the TAM collective for input. With cheaters, nothing is as it seems but in a few cases.


----------



## SomedayDig

Wow sandc...I'm somewhat a techno-geek myself. No clue!! LOL

Bolio...I'm gonna tell ya, man and it's gonna suck moose balls. Waywards LIE. Even in an Emotional Affair and at the very least that's what this is. She has more than likely conspired with the OM already to spin this to both you and the OMW. They will take it underground and you both (the OMW) will think you've nipped it in the bud. However, you haven't.

They work together. One of them needs to quit. Period. No questions asked. If she protects him in any way, like she has already, that means that she cares more for him than you and your relationship. Let's see...close your garage so the OMW doesn't know you're there. Doesn't sound remorseful in the least, man.


----------



## sandc

SomedayDig said:


> Wow sandc...I'm somewhat a techno-geek myself. No clue!! LOL


Yeah well I'm somewhat of a pilot. I'm sure you know a few terms I don't.


----------



## tom67

sandc said:


> QFT


Like now email her your cell# tell her to call whenever man:lol:


----------



## tom67

sandc said:


> You have OMW's email now. Contact her and talk things over. The information she has will be an eye opener. Maybe that's what the "just in case" comment by your wife meant. She's not expecting to come home tonight. Don't let her take your child with her when you kick her out.


Kid stays with you period!


----------



## SomedayDig

sandc said:


> Yeah well I'm somewhat of a pilot. I'm sure you know a few terms I don't.


The square root of tire pressure multiplied by 9 doesn't really matter in most circumstances.


----------



## tom67

Frank Sinatra - Come Fly With Me - YouTube


----------



## keko

Bolio24 said:


> I plan on emailing her. But I mean the fact is my wife gave me the OMW email address. She knows that I could contact her at anytime. She has admitted that she carried on an email relationship with the other man for several months. But she rarely sees him at work as he works a different time shift. She also told me he means nothing to her. Everything that was said was only an escape from everyday mononity, sp?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You still believe its been only EA with these guys considering your wife has been under the knife amping up her sex rank for the last few years?


----------



## tom67

keko said:


> You still believe its been only EA with these guys considering your wife has been under the knife amping up her sex rank for the last few years?


If she has nothing to hide then she won't mind you taking her for a polygraph right?


----------



## TBT

Bolio24;1153222 She also told me..
[size=1 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


Don't be in denial about how worthless this is at this point.If she hadn't been caught by OMW chances are she would still be carrying on her subterfuge,and still may be trying by minimizing and getting a plan together with the OM.


----------



## Entropy3000

Bolio24 said:


> I plan on emailing her. But I mean the fact is my wife gave me the OMW email address. She knows that I could contact her at anytime. She has admitted that she carried on an email relationship with the other man for several months. But she rarely sees him at work as he works a different time shift. She also told me he means nothing to her. Everything that was said was only an escape from everyday mononity, sp?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah to escape from being married. Right. Just that. To cake eat. To have a sexual relationship with another man ans still have the safety of being supported by a husband. Yep.

So contact the OMW and stop fooling around. Your wife from all accounts is a serial cheater. Find out what the OMW knows about it. Realize the rabbit whole goes much deeper than she knows.

Your wife needs to quit that job immediately. No amount of other shifts or any of the rest of that nonsense matters.

I actually hope you are having us on and are not so far in denial on all of this.


----------



## tom67

Entropy3000 said:


> Yeah to escape from being married. Right. Just that. To cake eat. To have a sexual relationship with another man ans still have the safety of being supported by a husband. Yep.
> 
> So contact the OMW and stop fooling around. Your wife from all accounts is a serial cheater. Find out what the OMW knows about it. Realize the rabbit whole goes much deeper than she knows.
> 
> Your wife needs to quit that job immediately. No amount of other shifts or any of the rest of that nonsense matters.
> 
> I actually hope you are having us on and are not so far in denial on all of this.


I was hoping he was a troll


----------



## Stonewall

Damn! He just laying down on the tracks. I was afraid that would happen. Just Damnnnnnnn!


----------



## warlock07

Bolio, get some support from your real life friends...She will totally try to lie through the whole thing...I wouldn't be surprised if the trip with the daughter was to call or meet the OM to match up the stories and remove the evidence


----------



## Shaggy

Your wife is minimizing trying to get you to believe her and forgive her.

Why aren't you seeing that this time her affair blew up in her face and she's trying to save her tail here.

Contact the OMW, listen to her, get the emails and read them.

Insist your wife go take a polygraph thus week, make sure to ask about other men and if she's had any sexual contact with them physically.

Don't rugs weep this, it may well be the one and only chance you have to save your marriage.


----------



## Bolio24

Well so far, since she revealed to me what was going on with OM my wife has been completely remorseful. She was waiting up for me Sat. morning when I returned home from work. She cried and cried and apologized again for her transgressions. I told her she should be sorry and that I was disgusted with her, in so many words... 

And I told her she was not sleeping in our bed until everything was completely out in the open. Only problem was she refused to leave to the guest room. She said she was not abandoning our relationship and that she was staying put. Not wanting to resort to physically removing her, and under protest, I slipped into bed. When she rolled over to hold me, I told her emphatically, Don't Touch Me!! 

Saturday morning I woke up to breakfast, a rarity in my house, and more apologies. I also woke up feeling sick to my stomach about the whole situation. I think this was when it first really hit me hard. I immediately drove to a gas station to buy a pack of smokes, my first in about a year.

We went thru the day as we would typically do, soccer games with kids, etc. And when we got home I hit the beers hard. I ordered a VAR while she went out for a car wash and will install it inside her car ASAP. I also posted the message on here from OMW that was sent to my wife. My wife willingly gave that to me along with OMW e-mail address. Tonight I plan on e-mailing OMW to get more details.

My wife still refuses to allow me to look thru her text messages but she has agreed (even suggested) to allow me to put a GPS locator on her smart phone!! Which leads me back to these boards for recommendations. While I have access to her phone I am wondering if there's any other app I can sneakily upload that will allow me to track her text messages. Or hopefully a combo app with GPS/Text Track, as she will no doubt be watching me when I install the software??? Any ideas would be extremely helpful...


----------



## warlock07

What phone does she have ?


----------



## Bolio24

Also, I brought up the STD Tests and she was not very happy to say the least. She was diagnosed with HPV very early in our marriage and she still says that it's not an STD an it is a naturally occuring phenomena in women.

So I think I will hold off for a minute on the Polygraph Question.


----------



## Bolio24

warlock07 said:


> What phone does she have ?


Sprint Evo 4G


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

Shaggy said:


> Insist your wife go take a polygraph thus week, make sure to ask about other men and if she's had any sexual contact with them physically.


A polygraph would dispel any uncertainty and prove what is apparent to all, but this woman won't even let him read her SMS's, much less submit to a polygraph, LOL.



> Don't rugs weep this, it may well be the one and only chance you have to save your marriage.


I hope I am wrong, but I think he'll drink all the lies, rewriting of history, etc, and forgive her.


----------



## SomedayDig

You did right by telling her not to touch you. Totally understand that!

I hate to sound like a jerk, however, I would be weary that she gave you the OMW's "email" address. Just the other day she was telling you to keep the garage door shut so the woman didn't see your car there. Now, she gives you her "email". It very well could be the OM with a fake email addy to get you to feel like you've exposed them. 

Expose them in person to the OMW. She's obviously looking for you, so it shouldn't be too difficult.

She's refusing to let you look at her texts? Tell her that's a deal breaker. Pure transparency is all you can and should accept at this stage. Every password on every account period. No exception. My wife, Regret214 installed the GPS tracker for me herself on her way home from work a week after Dday. I have all of her passwords. I can look at her phone any time I want. 

There are several mobile spy apps you can get ahold of, but it depends what kind of phone she's got...iPhone or Droid. We have Droids and I used SMS Backup & Restore. Very simple. If she doesn't allow you to install it then she's still hiding and her only remorse is that she got caught.


----------



## Acabado

> My wife still refuses to allow me to look thru her text messages


Unacceptable.You are drinking the kool aid friend.
You stated your boundaries, one of them is complete transparence and disclosure. There's no bargaining, she can't pick what she agrees and what not. Period. She wants to manipulate you, that's all. Furthermore, if you back off with any of your demands she will never respect you, it's a sure receipt to further deceit and manipulations, you will only buy some time. She has to know (by your actions) there's no way back, she can't manipulate you anymore, that's what been hapenning for a while (Who knows). She decided time ago she was entitled to go on your back and withold the truth, she decided you were not her equal partner, she is used to manipulate and lie to you, she is used to control you that way. She's fighting to retain that control like every newbly busted wayward, like a caggerd animal. They never think the will get busted. Your actions must show her she lost that kind of control forever.

You lay the law, she is all in or you are out. Period. Go 180, dark on her. Lawyer up, file. Keep pushing until she agrees willingly to every one of your demands. Don't engage in conversations until she agrees with all and put it into visible, transparent actions.


What where your demands? What about the NC letter? What about the STD tests? (Send her the message you don't buy she didn't f0ck around). Tell her she's free to choose, tell her to get advice on how to fix this because beyond religiously comply your boundaires the ball is in her court.

BTW, polygraph is a must. Again, no bargaining, don't buy the "I'm not a criminal". She gives you a full disclosure and then back it up with the poly. Period.


ETA
Think about it. Her phone/testing was her cheating tool, her weapon. She wants to keep it.


----------



## SomedayDig

Also, HPV is not just a naturally occurring phenomenon. It is an STD. And if she got that early in your marriage...well...don't know what to tell you. Here's the skinny directly from the CDC.

HPV


----------



## alte Dame

Yes. HPV is a sexually transmitted virus. It is definitely not 'naturally occurring.' You will have to check her medical history to see when it was first detected.


----------



## keko

Bolio24 said:


> Also, I brought up the STD Tests and she was not very happy to say the least. She was diagnosed with HPV very early in our marriage and she still says that it's not an STD an it is a naturally occuring phenomena in women.
> 
> So I think I will hold off for a minute on the Polygraph Question.


No it's not. You're wife has been screwing around for a long time, likely before you even married her.

Get the kids DNA tested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## river rat

Bolio24 said:


> Also, I brought up the STD Tests and she was not very happy to say the least. She was diagnosed with HPV very early in our marriage and she still says that it's not an STD an it is a naturally occuring phenomena in women.
> 
> So I think I will hold off for a minute on the Polygraph Question.


I wouldn't be alarmed about the HPV diagnosis early in the marriage. It is quite possible that she acquired the virus from you, since it is highly prevalent in sexually active people, and may exhibit no symptoms, particularly in men.


----------



## Chris989

It's not rocket science to say that the texts are the key, but almost certainly too late without connecting the phone to a PC.

Get the phone bills. They will at least give you something to compare.

You need those texts.

Edit/ My ww also used 2 spare SIMS - so she didn't need another phone. This was not to hide anything as I didn't suspect at the time - but be aware of the possibility (in the UK 99% of phones have swappable SIMs but I think this is not the case in the USA). 

If you press too hard, she will simply get another phone. 

This is the time you could be gaslighted big time. It would be so easy for you to believe it is over.

This is precisely what my WW did and CONTINUED her affair. In fact, after first DDay she started seeing the POSOM MORE OFTEN.


----------



## MattMatt

SomedayDig said:


> Also, HPV is not just a naturally occurring phenomenon. It is an STD. And if she got that early in your marriage...well...don't know what to tell you. Here's the skinny directly from the CDC.
> 
> HPV


*The non-sexual transmission of HPV does occur* HPV Types (Human Papilloma Virus)


----------



## Bolio24

The HPV was diagnosed about a year into our marriage. The doctor at the time said that it was something that could of been there for several years before being detected. She also said that HPV is not always sexually transmitted, and to this day, this is why my wife refuses to acknowledge it as an STD. I was tested around that same time and came up clean.


----------



## Gabriel

OMFG

You really don't know anything about what your wife did. Your W hasn't told you squat, other than there were "transgressions". At this point, you don't even know what crimes she's committed, or what you would even be accepting an apology for!

Until you do, you can't even begin to process any of this. 

You and the OMW need to powwow, like 2 days ago. Your wife is hiding a LOT from you. I mean, a ton. Get ready for the trickle truth. It hasn't even begun yet.


----------



## snap

Not giving you access to the texts, like.. pronto, very much negates whatever else she promised you. She still keeps secrets from you and you can bet it's not for sake of national security.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Bolio, are you sure that you have the OMW REAL email address? She could've easily created a fake one and fake the email to herself.

I suspect when you email the OMW that your wife will be the one actually responding.


----------



## Mrs Chai

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Bolio, are you sure that you have the OMW REAL email address? She could've easily created a fake one and fake the email to herself.
> 
> I suspect when you email the OMW that your wife will be the one actually responding.


That crossed my mind as well. You need to meet this woman in person.


----------



## Bolio24

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Bolio, are you sure that you have the OMW REAL email address? She could've easily created a fake one and fake the email to herself.
> 
> I suspect when you email the OMW that your wife will be the one actually responding.



I hadn't really thought of that possibility. But I am guessing I'll know for sure pretty quickly based on the availabilty of information and the tone of the conversation.


----------



## jim123

Bolio24 said:


> Well so far, since she revealed to me what was going on with OM my wife has been completely remorseful. She was waiting up for me Sat. morning when I returned home from work. She cried and cried and apologized again for her transgressions. I told her she should be sorry and that I was disgusted with her, in so many words...
> 
> And I told her she was not sleeping in our bed until everything was completely out in the open. Only problem was she refused to leave to the guest room. She said she was not abandoning our relationship and that she was staying put. Not wanting to resort to physically removing her, and under protest, I slipped into bed. When she rolled over to hold me, I told her emphatically, Don't Touch Me!!
> 
> Saturday morning I woke up to breakfast, a rarity in my house, and more apologies. I also woke up feeling sick to my stomach about the whole situation. I think this was when it first really hit me hard. I immediately drove to a gas station to buy a pack of smokes, my first in about a year.
> 
> We went thru the day as we would typically do, soccer games with kids, etc. And when we got home I hit the beers hard. I ordered a VAR while she went out for a car wash and will install it inside her car ASAP. I also posted the message on here from OMW that was sent to my wife. My wife willingly gave that to me along with OMW e-mail address. Tonight I plan on e-mailing OMW to get more details.
> 
> My wife still refuses to allow me to look thru her text messages but she has agreed (even suggested) to allow me to put a GPS locator on her smart phone!! Which leads me back to these boards for recommendations. While I have access to her phone I am wondering if there's any other app I can sneakily upload that will allow me to track her text messages. Or hopefully a combo app with GPS/Text Track, as she will no doubt be watching me when I install the software??? Any ideas would be extremely helpful...


You need full disclosure on everything. That includes the texts adn also why people at work thought she was sleeping with another guy before. 

Take car of yourself first.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Bolio24 said:


> I hadn't really thought of that possibility. But I am guessing I'll know for sure pretty quickly based on the availabilty of information and the tone of the conversation.


That's how we roll at TAM. We go places where betrayed spouses fear to tread. We're the best of the best. (Just ask Jellybeans.)


----------



## TDSC60

Bolio24 said:


> Here's the e-mail that was sent by the OMW to my wife. All I can do at this point is share this with you as I'm about 8 beers in to my evening.
> 
> Soooo we heard you like to mess with married men. Does your family know that? What about your kids? Your Husband?...Its "name" right? Maybe a print out of ALL the emails back and forth to "name" is what we will do. We especially liked the part about you asking a married man if he would take a day off work for you. Wonder what you would have done on that day.....maybe lunch again but this time you wouldn't have to rush. yea right we're sure thats not it. The "location deleted" is such a small place maybe you would have went "location deleted"....Anyway soooo much more to discuss. We will be keeping in touch.


The use of "We" through out the email makes me think it is not the OMW. But there is no harm in trying to make contact using this email address. Ask for copies of the email and texts. Just take what is provided with a grain of salt.

If you have the OM's name and address I would do my own investigating to get the OMW's contact info.

Your wife's refusal to show you the emails and texts is a definite deal breaker. They most likely confirm a PA with dates and locations. She is still gaslighting.

Do not be fooled by anything she offers as proof or anything she volunteers to do as proof. If she offered to GPS her phone, then take her up on it, but GPS her car without her knowing. Plus VAR the car.

Something just does not add up to me - starting with the "We" in the email. If it actually did come from OMW, she would have used her name and not "We".


----------



## OldWolf57

NO, what you do is to find out if its your wife, is send an email with your phone number, asking to meet.

How in the heck, can you be so layed back with this ?? Especially considering her past behavior with the other coworker.
Hell you never got to the bottom of that.

Now here is another chance to get all questions answered, and she WON'T even let you see the txts.
Hell, by now she should have deleted them. If not, that jus go to show how much they mean to her

Let me ask you this.
Have you and your wife ever used the bathroom at the same time ??? 
Now, if there was no secrets about bathroom use, why be secret about the txts ??

She dropped a bomb in the middle of your marrriage and goes to wash her car ??? Yeah I know its the next day, but you do see where I'm at. AND whats more important to her.
will get you 10, it was to communicate with him.


----------



## OldWolf57

Oh, the offer to gps the phone,,,,,,, she picked up a trac phone while out washing the car.

Don't that sit just alil funny to you ?? 
All this going on, but she just has to go wash her car.

I say YOU have an experianced cheater on your hand, an only a polygraph will get you close to the truth. OVER a YEAR huh ???


----------



## Hope1964

She REFUSED to let you see the texts?!?! She does not have that right. Period. By now she's deleted everything incriminating anyway. There are ways to recover deleted texts tho - go to the evidence gathering thread I posted earlier (I think) in this thread.

Man, WAKE UP!!!!!

The VAR is excellent. 

Oh, and when you said she's remorseful? NO, she is NOT. If she was she would have let you see the texts. She is in full damage control mode.


----------



## Stonewall

He sees a light at the end of the tunnel but doesn't realize its a TRAIN!


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Hope, so nice to see you here on a weekend.


----------



## Acabado

You need to meet OM'sBW in person. Arrange a meeting. She seems ahead on you on this, she likely have spies at work, maybe she even can provide some info about your wife's past sexcapades (Doesn't she alude to it in the email?).


----------



## sandc

SomedayDig said:


> The square root of tire pressure multiplied by 9 doesn't really matter in most circumstances.


Uh yeah... Why would it?

If I have 32 psi I'm good to go.


----------



## SomedayDig

sandc said:


> Uh yeah... Why would it?
> 
> If I have 32 psi I'm good to go.


LOL. It's the formula for figuring out hydroplaning. Something I had to deal with a lot flying those jets for a decade. Gotta make sure ya ain't too fast on approach!

So...Bolio...are you gonna look up the OMW and speak to her face to face? Cuz that's what I'd tell your wife. Usually, it's not a good idea to let the wayward know you're gonna do that, however in this case, I'd love to be a fly on the wall to see her reaction since she gave you the "email".


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Who gets their car washed when their marriage is imploding?


----------



## Jibril

Bolio, email the other woman. Please. Make yourself known, and try and make her feel welcome. You and her will need to become best friends if you want to get to the bottom of this affair, as your wife is deliberately evading the issue. 

Really, now. She refuses to let you see her texts and emails? That's _insane_. It's the height of arrogance and entitlement, that she would make demands and set limitations to prevent you from learning about her betrayal.

It's obvious she's afraid of what you'll learn. I suspect this rabbit hole is _deep_, and will lead to other secrets she never meant for you to find.

Email this other woman. You need to learn the truth.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

^^^I'm still suspicious about the email that his wife gave him.


----------



## keko

A keylogger on the skank's computer would tell him if the email is legit or not.


----------



## SomedayDig

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> ^^^I'm still suspicious about the email that his wife gave him.


I called him on that, too. Only cuz my wife's xOM intercepted the email meant for his wife.

Well.........the first one at least. He never saw the one coming a month later.

But again - I would be highly suspicious of the sudden turn around that it's okay to contact her. It's been totally set in motion by the both of them. I fully believe it's a fake email addy.


----------



## WasDecimated

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Who gets their car washed when their marriage is imploding?


This is the sort of thing my un-remorceful STBXW did. She never missed a week of bowling or lunch with her girl friends. She just carried on like nothing was going on while I was a complete wreck.

Bolio, she's up to something. Talk to the OM's wife...now! 

That is how I found all of the proof of my STBXW's PA. I knew it was a EA but I had no real evidence of EA or PA. STBXW swore on the lives of our kids it was no PA...just friends. POSOM's wife sent me thousands of emails between STBXW and POSOM she got off his computer, that proved EA/PA going back 1 1/2 years! 

OM's wife could break this thing wide open for you...you need her help even if it is just to monitor him from her end.


----------



## tom67

Hopefully you more than likely will get something on the var. Go to her workplace are you friends with any of her coworkers?


----------



## Jibril

SomedayDig said:


> I called him on that, too. Only cuz my wife's xOM intercepted the email meant for his wife.
> 
> Well.........the first one at least. He never saw the one coming a month later.
> 
> But again - I would be highly suspicious of the sudden turn around that it's okay to contact her. It's been totally set in motion by the both of them. I fully believe it's a fake email addy.


I also see a setup as a possibility. However, it should be obvious that it's a bvllsh!t email if the other woman either:

- doesn't respond
- dismisses the affair as a mistake on her part (in other words, she misunderstood the situation between OM and Bolio's wife).

Considering how fervently she has (supposedly) been trying to blow up the affair, I would be highly suspicious if she _doesn't_ jump at the opportunity to communicate with Bolio.

Hell, I'd say Bolio should invite her over to his home to compare notes. Or to his work. Just to hammer home that he is who he is, and he needs to talk to her.

If she's genuine, I think she'll bite. If it's a BS email, then expect rugsweeping.


----------



## Bolio24

keko said:


> A keylogger on the skank's computer would tell him if the email is legit or not.


My wife's e-mails from work are going to be impossible to access. Whether or not they are actually deleted in a bulk process I may never know. What I do know is she works at a high security and extremely sensitive Government Site that I do not have access to in any way. 

This is one of the primary reasons that I know very little of her co-workers. You can be assured that if I were to contact someone from HR or Management about e-mail recovery I would not only be stonewalled, but cold hard rejected.

Aside from that, I just had a somewhat long conversation with her where she again apologized. She admits that what she did was only sexting and nothing more. Only an escape from everyday life. She came right out and said that if I'm allowed to masterbate to videos or magazines of other women, then what she did is not that different. Even though I've never admitted such, I'm guessing she's assuming, (and unfortunately assuming correctly).

You see, this is what I'm dealing with...

I'm going to try again tonight to get my hands on her cell phone.


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> My wife's e-mails from work are going to be impossible to access. Whether or not they are actually deleted in a bulk process I may never know. What I do know is she works at a high security and extremely sensitive Government Site that I do not have access to in any way.
> 
> This is one of the primary reasons that I know very little of her co-workers. You can be assured that if I were to contact someone from HR or Management about e-mail recovery I would not only be stonewalled, but cold hard rejected.
> 
> Aside from that, I just had a somewhat long conversation with her where she again apologized. She admits that what she did was only sexting and nothing more. Only an escape from everyday life. She came right out and said that if I'm allowed to masterbate to videos or magazines of other women, then what she did is not that different. Even though I've never admitted such, I'm guessing she's assuming, (and unfortunately assuming correctly).
> 
> You see, this is what I'm dealing with...
> 
> I'm going to try again tonight to get my hands on her cell phone.


dna the kid and see her reaction.


----------



## SomedayDig

Jibril said:


> I also see a setup as a possibility. However, it should be obvious that it's a bvllsh!t email if the other woman either:
> 
> - doesn't respond
> *- dismisses the affair* as a mistake on her part (in other words, she misunderstood the situation between OM and Bolio's wife).
> 
> Considering how fervently she has (supposedly) been trying to blow up the affair, I would be highly suspicious if she _doesn't_ jump at the opportunity to communicate with Bolio.
> 
> Hell, I'd say Bolio should invite her over to his home to compare notes. Or to his work. Just to hammer home that he is who he is, and he needs to talk to her.
> 
> If she's genuine, I think she'll bite. If it's a BS email, then expect rugsweeping.


RE the bolded: What Regret's xOM did when he replied to me was to say, "I am trying to work things out with my husband. I hope you respect my decision".

Obviously, being that was the day after Dday, my nerves were extremely raw and I was going on about 2 hours of sleep before a 10 hour work day. I thought to myself...okay, she wants to work it out and doesn't want interference. 

Then, a month later I dropped the bomb by finding her personal work email and sending one more note just in case he had lied to her. Since he's an attorney, I just had a feeling he'd Bill Clinton his wife.

Well...he wasn't expecting me to send her an email out of the blue like that. The sh-t hit the fan for him. He's out on his a$$ and over half a million people have seen him on Cheaterville.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Bolio24 said:


> I'm going to try again tonight to get my hands on her cell phone.


There - I fixed it for you.


----------



## SomedayDig

Bolio24 said:


> My wife's e-mails from work are going to be impossible to access. Whether or not they are actually deleted in a bulk process I may never know. What I do know is she works at a high security and extremely sensitive Government Site that I do not have access to in any way.
> 
> This is one of the primary reasons that I know very little of her co-workers. You can be assured that if I were to contact someone from HR or Management about e-mail recovery I would not only be stonewalled, but cold hard rejected.
> 
> Aside from that, I just had a somewhat long conversation with her where she again apologized. She admits that what she did was only sexting and nothing more. Only an escape from everyday life. She came right out and said that if I'm allowed to masterbate to videos or magazines of other women, then what she did is not that different. Even though I've never admitted such, I'm guessing she's assuming, (and unfortunately assuming correctly).
> 
> You see, this is what I'm dealing with...
> 
> I'm going to try again tonight to get my hands on her cell phone.



Sorry brother, but spanking it to Youporn ain't the same as chatting up someone you know in a sexual way. Especially the way they did. I call bullsnot.


----------



## Will_Kane

You can say she's remorseful all you want, but if she's not willing to let you see the texts, she's not remorseful, and you are naive to think that she is.

If it were me, it would be either show me the texts or we're getting divorced. If she would rather keep the texts than save her marriage, that tells you all you need to know. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for many people, at least you are giving her a chance to save her marriage by proving to you she's being truthful and letting you see the texts. If she doesn't want you to see them, I think it's a fair assumption that it's because they prove she's not being entirely honest.


----------



## Will_Kane

Bolio24 said:


> She admits that what she did was only sexting and nothing more. Only an escape from everyday life. She came right out and said that if I'm allowed to masterbate to videos or magazines of other women, then what she did is not that different. Even though I've never admitted such, I'm guessing she's assuming, (and unfortunately assuming correctly).


One involves women who don't even know you're there with pictures that were taken long ago, the other involves an exchange with someone you know who is very well aware of your presence. In my opinion, not even close to being the same thing.


----------



## 67flh

buddy there's NO way that spanking your monkey,and sexting are the same..again she's juggling crap and you're falling for it. get in your car(don't tell your ol lady)and go see the other woman. where'e your anger? your letting her control EVERY aspect of this..you KNOW she ain't washing no darn car...


----------



## FryFish

Bolio... come on man... I KNOW you are dealing with a LOT of emotions right now but you are about to let yourself get steamrolled... Please stop ignoring most of what the posters here are telling you...


----------



## Jellybeans

What's with all the "We" talk in the OMW's email? That seems weird to me. Why keep referring to herself as "we?" "We" who? 

I echo everyone else here--her refusal to show you the texts tells you everything. She's not ready to own it or be transparent, without which, you have no marriage. 

Don't let her call the shots. Tell her "Let me see the texts if you truly care about our marriage." If she is willing to right her wrongs, she will give you any and everything you ask for.

So far she has shown repeatedly she is absolutely nowhere even close to being there yet.

I wouldn't put up with this if I were you.


----------



## jfv

OP, How about an ultimatum? Your phone or a divorce and just see how she reacts. 

Even if you don't mean it, of course it would best if you did.


----------



## Decorum

"She came right out and said that if I'm allowed to masterbate to videos or magazines of other women, then what she did is not that different. Even though I've never admitted such, I'm guessing she's assuming, (and unfortunately assuming correctly).

You see, this is what I'm dealing with..."

You cannot give your heart or body to a video or mag, the risk to your health and marriage is far less.

Having a private dance from an escort in a hotel room is a closer event and just as trashy!

Tell her to read a love novel.

Please make clear boundaries.
You are getting great advise from these veteran posters, they have seen this all before.


----------



## sandc

somedaydig said:


> lol. It's the formula for figuring out hydroplaning. Something i had to deal with a lot flying those jets for a decade. Gotta make sure ya ain't too fast on approach!


qft :d


----------



## jim123

Bolio24 said:


> My wife's e-mails from work are going to be impossible to access. Whether or not they are actually deleted in a bulk process I may never know. What I do know is she works at a high security and extremely sensitive Government Site that I do not have access to in any way.
> 
> This is one of the primary reasons that I know very little of her co-workers. You can be assured that if I were to contact someone from HR or Management about e-mail recovery I would not only be stonewalled, but cold hard rejected.
> 
> Aside from that, I just had a somewhat long conversation with her where she again apologized. She admits that what she did was only sexting and nothing more. Only an escape from everyday life. She came right out and said that if I'm allowed to masterbate to videos or magazines of other women, then what she did is not that different. Even though I've never admitted such, I'm guessing she's assuming, (and unfortunately assuming correctly).
> 
> You see, this is what I'm dealing with...
> 
> I'm going to try again tonight to get my hands on her cell phone.


If she is using work email with coworkers she will get fired. HR will not give you any emails without a court order.If you want to be tough, report it.

Keep doing 180 and get more infor. Meet OMW in person.


----------



## OldWolf57

You seem to be determine to drag this out. Scare her with a polygraph, since she was in actual physical contact, whereas you had pics and vids.

Ppl, I'm out of this one. I told myself no more begging BS to actually shorten their misery.


----------



## Shaggy

Actually if she and he work in high security - then cheating will get them FIRED, because cheating in such cirucumstanes can be used to blackmail.

Your wife is not remorseful. If she was she would be letting you read those messages.

You are living in the dark friend. You're wife have obviously been caught cheating by the OMW. The OM has dumped her, and it's a fair bet if the OMW has reported it to HR, your wife may have already lost her job.

The idea of putting a GPS on her phone is stupid if she knows about it. She can just leave the phone in her car when she goes out with the OM. You say, well I can call her phone and check up on her - Except she can easily call forward the tracked phone to a burner affair phone. So the tracked phone sits in her car nice and safe, while she and the burner phone go to the motel with the OM.

Demand to see the phone. Do not accept no for an answer.

Find the OMW and talk to her. Do not believe your wife when she tells you who the OM is, and certainly don't trust that email is from the OMW - demand to meet the OMW at a coffeeshop.


----------



## Shaggy

Oh and demand the polygraph. Actually if she works in high security she should already have taken one so it's not a big problem.


----------



## strugglinghusband

Shaggy beat me to it, a GPS on her phone, yeah good idea(NOT), you mean the phone she takes to work, where the OM is too...UFB!, you already know they are there together, she can just leave it on her desk, while they skip off somewhere alone.
So nice of her to offer that up....

Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Huh? Think, McFly. Think!!!!


----------



## strugglinghusband

She must go no contact and if that means quitting her job, then so be it....
There is no way in hell you can try and salvage your marriage while she still works with him,( again been there done that, it dosent work).. it will drive you insane.....if she wants to try and salvage things she must quit as proof that the marriage is more important than anything to her, if she's in the affair fog she will try and manage you any way she can...PLEASE DONT let that happen.


Read this, learn it, live it.


CUT any and ALL possible ties with the other man/woman. Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, it is also EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse. It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten,or have to see this person at work. it is time to break those ties. Do what you must to avoid any contact. Convincing yourself that you need to talk to them to 'break it off' only communicates that their feelings, not your spouse's, are what you are most concerned about. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate, invade or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman. It is in fact an insult to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to say that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this destructive individual. Furthermore, because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, your current spouse knows they have absolutely NO RESPECT for your marriage. Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worst possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage. This is the time to figure out which relationship is the MOST IMPORTANT to you, either your marriage or the relationship with the other man/woman, and behave accordingly. You simply cannot drive in two lanes at once....ever


----------



## Bolio24

Last night I finally got my hands on my wife's cell phone. It only took 3 years and a half hour of steady coercion mixed with a bottle of rum.

It was not exactly what I was expecting. When she handed me the phone I asked her what the password was and she said There's No Password. I asked her what happened to the password and she said there never was one. But I know for a fact there was. I've seen her zig-zag swiping across the screen at initial start-up. I've even tried myself to access her phone, and after 3 or 4 incorrect attempts was locked out.

I searched thru the messages area and found nothing out of the ordinary. Texts to and from Mom, sisters, old H.S. friends, kid's teachers and soccer coaches, a couple of conversations with female co-workers. I searched thru the contact list an found none of the guy suspects. At all. Nothing. No one. There's no way she sent 1,900 text messages to her Mom and the kid's soccer coach. 

I'm pretty sure she deleted them Saturday when she left the house to get her car washed. So everyone here was pretty much right on. I guess I'm still not wanting to believe this is happening


----------



## Jeffery

Brother get the facts now so you know what you are really dealing with.

she is not telling the truth WHY???

Now is not the time to doubt your self be strong be a man


----------



## Jellybeans

So she lied to you about having a password--she is gaslighting you. Which, again, means she's not ready to be honest.

You didn't find anything "out of the ordinary" because she already had 3 days to clean up her phone. That's why she didn't want to give it to you--so she could keep lying and hiding things. Duh.

You may not want to believe this is happening but it is. So wake up. Accept this as your new reality.

The question is -- what are you going to do? Do you let her call all the shots or do you stand up for yourself?

Did she ever tell you his full name or his wife's name? My bet is she didn't...


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> Last night I finally got my hands on my wife's cell phone. It only took 3 years and a half hour of steady coercion mixed with a bottle of rum.
> 
> It was not exactly what I was expecting. When she handed me the phone I asked her what the password was and she said There's No Password. I asked her what happened to the password and she said there never was one. But I know for a fact there was. I've seen her zig-zag swiping across the screen at initial start-up. I've even tried myself to access her phone, and after 3 or 4 incorrect attempts was locked out.
> 
> I searched thru the messages area and found nothing out of the ordinary. Texts to and from Mom, sisters, old H.S. friends, kid's teachers and soccer coaches, a couple of conversations with female co-workers. I searched thru the contact list an found none of the guy suspects. At all. Nothing. No one. There's no way she sent 1,900 text messages to her Mom and the kid's soccer coach.
> 
> I'm pretty sure she deleted them Saturday when she left the house to get her car washed. So everyone here was pretty much right on. I guess I'm still not wanting to believe this is happening


Have you had enough? Time for a polygraph!


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

And thus begins the gaslighting and blameshifting. [sigh!]

This further reinforces my fear that the email address that she gave you is fake.


----------



## warlock07

Bolio24 said:


> Last night I finally got my hands on my wife's cell phone. It only took 3 years and a half hour of steady coercion mixed with a bottle of rum.
> 
> It was not exactly what I was expecting. When she handed me the phone I asked her what the password was and she said There's No Password. I asked her what happened to the password and she said there never was one. But I know for a fact there was. I've seen her zig-zag swiping across the screen at initial start-up. I've even tried myself to access her phone, and after 3 or 4 incorrect attempts was locked out.
> 
> I searched thru the messages area and found nothing out of the ordinary. Texts to and from Mom, sisters, old H.S. friends, kid's teachers and soccer coaches, a couple of conversations with female co-workers. I searched thru the contact list an found none of the guy suspects. At all. Nothing. No one. There's no way she sent 1,900 text messages to her Mom and the kid's soccer coach.
> 
> I'm pretty sure she deleted them Saturday when she left the house to get her car washed. So everyone here was pretty much right on. I guess I'm still not wanting to believe this is happening


She is seriously underestimating you...Use that to your advantage


Contact the other man's wife behind her back while pretending to be fooled by her lies..

Wait a minute, do you still want to be with her ?


----------



## Bolio24

Jellybeans said:


> So she lied to you about having a password--she is gaslighting you. Which, again, means she's not ready to be honest.
> 
> You didn't find anything "out of the ordinary" because she already had 3 days to clean up her phone. That's why she didn't want to give it to you--so she could keep lying and hiding things. Duh.
> 
> You may not want to believe this is happening but it is. So wake up. Accept this as your new reality.
> 
> The question is -- what are you going to do? Do you let her call all the shots or do you stand up for yourself?
> 
> Did she ever tell you his full name or his wife's name? My bet is she didn't...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60

Bolio24 said:


> Last night I finally got my hands on my wife's cell phone. It only took 3 years and a half hour of steady coercion mixed with a bottle of rum.
> 
> It was not exactly what I was expecting. When she handed me the phone I asked her what the password was and she said There's No Password. I asked her what happened to the password and she said there never was one. But I know for a fact there was. I've seen her zig-zag swiping across the screen at initial start-up. I've even tried myself to access her phone, and after 3 or 4 incorrect attempts was locked out.
> 
> I searched thru the messages area and found nothing out of the ordinary. Texts to and from Mom, sisters, old H.S. friends, kid's teachers and soccer coaches, a couple of conversations with female co-workers. I searched thru the contact list an found none of the guy suspects. At all. Nothing. No one. There's no way she sent 1,900 text messages to her Mom and the kid's soccer coach.
> 
> I'm pretty sure she deleted them Saturday when she left the house to get her car washed. So everyone here was pretty much right on. I guess I'm still not wanting to believe this is happening


Yeah she is deleting all the evidence to keep you in the dark and continue the affair.

By protecting her OM she is choosing him over you and your marriage. Sadly this is not uncommon among cheating wife.

You are being trickle-truthed - she only tells you what SHE feels she has to or what she thinks is necessary to explain away what she thinks others may tell you (second time). When trickle-truth and deleting evidence is involved, the whole truth is usually a lot worse than you think.

Looking more and more like a PA here.

Stay calm. Go stealth detective. She will let her guard down and you will catch her.


----------



## Bolio24

She gave me the guys first name and a partial last name as she doesn't know how to spell it. She doesn't know the wife's name, only that she is crazy and has a temper. At least that's what OM told my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cpacan

Your best bet is to retrieve the texts and get in touch with OMW.

I would simply take her phone, state that she can have it back in two days. Retrieve deleted texts with PC-software and if you're lucky, new messages will arrive while the phone is in your possession.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Bolio24 said:


> She gave me the guys first name and a partial last name as she doesn't know how to spell it. She doesn't know the wife's name, only that she is crazy and has a temper. At least that's what OM told my wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course she's going to make the wife out to be crazy. She's following the cheater's script to a 'T'. 

Had you taken Friday off from work you might've gotten the truth from the OMW.


----------



## Jellybeans

A "partial" name? Really? And the wife's name--she does know it. Because the OMW's wife contacted her. Plus your wife had an affair with this guy-she knows his wife's ame. 

Of course the OM told your wife his wife is "crazy." Just as your wife told him a lot of bad stuff about you. It's what cheaters do when they are having an affair. 

Your wife knows. She just won't tell you. Which is extremely direspectful. Your wife is acting like a real b.


----------



## Bolio24

And now I'm sitting here having cereal with my kids while she's in the shower shaving her pus and getting ready for "work.". F this BSa!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## strugglinghusband

Cell Phone Spy Sim Card Reader | Recover Deleted Text Messages

Get one or something similar you can get a cheap one, get her phone again, tell her you would like to see it again just to double check....then see if you can get the delted messages, if you cant, FAKE IT...show her the cell sim card reader box, and just act all "I got it all now, come clean or else and how could you and crap like that...she will have no idea whether the reader worked or not.


YOU ARE BEING GAS LIGHTED BIG TIME!!!


----------



## strugglinghusband

Bolio24 said:


> She gave me the guys first name and a partial last name as she doesn't know how to spell it. She doesn't know the wife's name, only that she is crazy and has a temper. At least that's what OM told my wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure thats why she told you that, NEITHER ONE wants you to talk to her, "She's crazy and has a temper" for sure her husband is having an affair and she's upset, the nerve...


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> And now I'm sitting here having cereal with my kids while she's in the shower shaving her pus and getting ready for "work.". F this BSa!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea screw that st up an appt. with an attorney and find out what your options are. First consult is usually free.


----------



## Jellybeans

go into the shower right now and tell her "I want to know his and his wife's name right now. You say you don't want to lose me-so you need to do this for me--be honest. Lying is what got you into this mess.. You know his name because you were cheating with him. You knwo his wife's name cause she told you. You have already caused a lot of pain. You could at least be honest. If you aren't going to be forthright with me, then consider this over. I deserve better. Much better. You could at least TELL ME THE TRUTH." 

Go now. Say it. Say it w/o any emotion. When she starts talking about anything else (she will) tell her "Tell me their names right now. That's it."


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Bolio24 said:


> And now I'm sitting here having cereal with my kids while she's in the shower shaving her pus and getting ready for "work.". F this BSa!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you even gotten angry at her? I know you're probably still in the disbelief stage and in a state of shock but this woman deserves nothing but your contempt.


----------



## TDSC60

If she works at a secure Government facility - then by all means expose what you know to HR. A work place affair at a security facility is nothing they would take lightly. Even without the security part, if they find that Gov. computers were used in an inappropriate manner, they will burn the affair to the ground.

It is BS that she will not give you the last name. I work for the Gov. and internal email IDs have all info on the person available. Full name, department, work location and address. Doesn't know how to spell the name if so laughable - hope you are not buying that BS.

Attorney and polygraph.


----------



## Pluto2

People in EA/PA lie. 
They lie to you and they lie to themselves, they lie to their co-workers, they lie to the dog........Are you seeing a pattern?
You know, you KNOW, she is not being honest.
She must be if she is ever to be sincere about saving the marriage. I'm really sorry you are going through all this.


----------



## Speed

For future reference: If her mouth is moving, she is lying.


----------



## PHTlump

Stop giving her the opportunity to lie. She has deleted the texts. A quick Google search states there is no way to recover the deleted texts. She has her story and she will stick to it.

You could try a polygraph, but she will most likely refuse to take it. And where does that leave you? Right where you are now. You know she's lying. And she knows that you know she's lying. And you're not doing anything except keep asking her to stop lying. Do something different.

Good luck.


----------



## tom67

PHTlump said:


> Stop giving her the opportunity to lie. She has deleted the texts. A quick Google search states there is no way to recover the deleted texts. She has her story and she will stick to it.
> 
> You could try a polygraph, but she will most likely refuse to take it. And where does that leave you? Right where you are now. You know she's lying. And she knows that you know she's lying. And you're not doing anything except keep asking her to stop lying. Do something different.
> 
> Good luck.


Well if she refuses the poly, you have your answer then are you going to act then and kick her out?


----------



## PHTlump

tom67 said:


> Well if she refuses the poly, you have your answer then are you going to act then and kick her out?


He's already got his answer. She refuses to show him the texts and emails. Also, she justifies her affair by claiming that he drove her to it, and his porn viewing was morally equivalent. None of that is remorse.


----------



## cabin fever

She didn't want you to see the phone till she deleted the texts my friend, then she offered it up willingly? Red Flag right there. 

Sexting? Yep, talking about how much they like to do each other. Again, thats why she didn't want you to see it. 


right now, she knows you know something is up, but you don't know all of it. 


Sorry but I call major BS on her sexting only, and its no different to whacking off to porn 


Good luck Bro. You're in for a huge chitty ride, while she gaslights the hell outta ya. 

Also, if its a huge security gov't deal, while is she emailing this kinda crap? (another Red Flag)


----------



## Bolio24

warlock07 said:


> She is seriously underestimating you...Use that to your advantage
> 
> 
> Contact the other man's wife behind her back while pretending to be fooled by her lies..
> 
> Wait a minute, do you still want to be with her ?



I'm definitely trying to save the marriage. That's why Im trying everything to get her to tell me the truth. It's pretty obvious I'm going to have to go underground, following many of the suggestions here. I ordered a VAR and am looking into sim card readers and text message retrieval tools. I guess she thinks this will all blow over eventually, so I think my best bet is to get something concrete. If there is really something to find - then that's it, it's over. 

This morning I asked her again for the full name of OM and she repeated that she wasn't quite sure, and that she was never very good at spelling - (which is actually true). She said she's only seen him a few times, and that they only had an e-mail relationship. 

I told her if OM or OMW contact her at work today she needs to let me know immediately. She said, "If she tries to e-mail me again I'm going to call the cops and file a harassment suit against her."


----------



## Acabado

Not only deleted any incrimintaing evidence, she probably met with OM to conoct stories (car washing).

Being high security blows the "i'm not a criminal" defense to reject the poly. She broke your trust, she's in a postition of trust (at work plus in the marriage). In order to build the trust back she has to show shes' trustworthy by passing the poly with huge green flags. Polys are not foreiger to her.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Bolio24 said:


> I told her if OM or OMW contact her at work today she needs to let me know immediately.


:slap:

:banghead:


----------



## TCSRedhead

I've been the wife hiding everything from my husband. I used to delete everything, immediately. My husband figured out that even though the text messages were deleted, if you text pictures via cell using Sprint, it stores that text on the picture server as a 'convenience'. 

Two pictures. That's all it took to bust it wide open. 

He woke me up at about 1 a.m. yelling, screaming and flipping the bed over when he found them and went ballistic. 

I had these immediate thoughts:

1. OMG - he's really angry and hurt. I can't believe I did that to him. What have I done?

2. He has a pair and where has this man been for the last few years?

If he had just let it all go and moved on, I can honestly say it would have continued and while I may have stayed, I would have had even less respect for him.


----------



## strugglinghusband

Bolio24 said:


> I'm definitely trying to save the marriage. That's why Im trying everything to get her to tell me the truth. It's pretty obvious I'm going to have to go underground, following many of the suggestions here. I ordered a VAR and am looking into sim card readers and text message retrieval tools. I guess she thinks this will all blow over eventually, so I think my best bet is to get something concrete. If there is really something to find - then that's it, it's over.
> you have to uncover it all quickly, go stealth if you can, she has no intentions of coming clean, if your lucky she will break it off, but I doubt she will, shes trying to cover her tracks all to well... meaning she will just take it underground, making it harder to uncover later on.
> 
> This morning I asked her again for the full name of OM and she repeated that she wasn't quite sure, and that she was never very good at spelling - (which is actually true). She said she's only seen him a few times, and that they only had an e-mail relationship.
> 
> Do they have a company directory? you can look him up yourself
> 
> 
> I told her if OM or OMW contact her at work today she needs to let me know immediately. She said, "If she tries to e-mail me again I'm going to call the cops and file a harassment suit against her."


BS alert...she tried to email your wife, why didnt you ask for that to be forwarded to you? and if she does try again you better tell your wife you want any emails or texts from now on, also you may want to let your wife know, "yeah go ahead and call the cops, bet they would love to know why and if the cops have to investagate that would invlove the boss" 

why are you NOT in contact with OM wife yet?


----------



## strugglinghusband

Bolio, I've been right in your shoes my friend, almost to a damn tee..
this is why this thread has me so jacked up,...same red flags, same denial, same not wanting to face the truth, my wife lied and lied up until the day I had the proof she could no longer deny, people that know her would never believe she could lie the way she did, with a straight face, making me think I was nuts, she dodged bullets over and over, took great risk of loosing me,her marriage,her job, her status and reputation in the community, but she did it anyways...
even after I was onto her and she knew I was, she kept going...

Like you I want to save my marriage.. I'm telling you burying your head in the sand will not work, you have to face the truth...


----------



## Bolio24

Here's an obnoxious string of text messages she sent to me several months ago. After an evening of talking about our marriage and us, and asking her some of the same questions I still have - this is her response the next day...

WW: Checkin in, just woke up and I'm late. Jumping in the shower.

Me: Morning.

WW: Checking in, getting out of bed took longer than I planned. Just now getting out of shower. Gonna get dressed now.

WW: Checking in, I'm late. Just left the house. I'm wearing grey pants, blue blouse, black shoes.

Me: You obviously missed the point of our conversation.

WW: Checking in, just got to work.

Me: You could of just put this whole thing to rest last night. Instead, now you're playing with my emotions.

WW: Checking in, just got in the car. Headed home.

WW: Checking in, I'm home. Going to change clothes now.

WW: Checking in, after a long day at work, I guess I will take the kids to practice since you're not here.

Me: I'm not even off work yet!?!

WW: Checking in, on our way home.


----------



## SomedayDig

There are an awful lot of "I'm late" texts there. And to me, well, that's just a huge red flag. Regret would use excuses in text to me all the time when she was with the xOM. I've got my phone from last year and still have them all saved. Sucks to read the f'ng things.

You really need to search out the OMW. This bullsnot of her not knowing how to spell his last name has got to be one of the lamest cop outs I've ever heard. I hate to say it, but it just sounds like she's playing you for a fool.

And you're not.


----------



## the guy

Your wife is a smart @ss, sorry she has so little respect for you.


----------



## snap

Bolio24 said:


> She gave me the guys first name and a partial last name as she doesn't know how to spell it.


She can't figure out the last name of her coworker? The one she had an affair with? Give me a break.

(Also: your wife has a burner phone now)


----------



## the guy

On a lighter note the next time your wife is checking in and tells you she is getting out of the shower ask her sent you a pic.....LOL


----------



## cabin fever

Its nice that she checks in so much. 

Ask her why she checked out of the marriage.


----------



## Speed

Bolio24 said:


> She came right out and said that if I'm allowed to masterbate to videos or magazines of other women, then what she did is not that different. Even though I've never admitted such, I'm guessing she's assuming, (and unfortunately assuming correctly).


Ahh, so with that logic shooting someone in a video game is the same as going out and shooting someone. Really? I would have laughed right in her face. It doesn't pi$$ you off that she actually thinks you are dumb enough to believe this crap?


----------



## Hope1964

Bolio, have you read any of the stories around here of people are currently R'ing at all? There's a secret, and I'm going to tell you what it is.

The BS's who later R successfully have to be willing to be a huge hardass. Otherwise it WILL NOT WORK. Unless you show her that you are totally willing to end the marriage, she will continue to gaslight you and lie to you and delete texts and shave her pu$$y before work in the mornings. 

Once you have hard evidence you HAVE to play hardball. Kick her out, no whining or pleading allowed.

Did you look up the evidence gathering thread I pointed out? It's here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ted-evidence-gathering-thread.html#post886718


----------



## Hope1964

You know what? Even if it is JB or someone like him/her, someone else who really IS going thru something like this might read it and actually do the right thing because if it.


----------



## TDSC60

Unless she works for the CIA or the NSA, government (USA) email addresses contain the entire or partial name of the person. Also the email ID has a link to an employee directory where the entire name is on file. They do this because if someone in one department want to look up the email of a person in another location they start with the last name. So if your wife has OM email, then she can right-click on the address and it will take her to the info section with entire name and other info.

She is lying to you big time. Her dishonesty with you would be enough for me to consider ending the marriage. Sounds like she is a serial cheater.


----------



## Bolio24

Hope1964 said:


> Bolio, have you read any of the stories around here of people are currently R'ing at all? There's a secret, and I'm going to tell you what it is.
> 
> The BS's who later R successfully have to be willing to be a huge hardass. Otherwise it WILL NOT WORK. Unless you show her that you are totally willing to end the marriage, she will continue to gaslight you and lie to you and delete texts and shave her pu$$y before work in the mornings.
> 
> Once you have hard evidence you HAVE to play hardball. Kick her out, no whining or pleading allowed.
> 
> Did you look up the evidence gathering thread I pointed out? It's here
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ted-evidence-gathering-thread.html#post886718



I'm going to take a look at that thread. Thank you.

Just spent the last twenty minutes trying to e-mail OMW and I keep getting Delivery to the following recepient failed permanently messages. 

The email address WW forwarded to me has an FU<a before the address so I'm not sure if I should include that or not. Trying multiple variations just in case.

And no I'm not JB or a troll, just trying to get my life back together. :lol:


----------



## Bolio24

the guy said:


> On a lighter note the next time your wife is checking in and tells you she is getting out of the shower ask her sent you a pic.....LOL


Don't tempt me. That will be my last resort.


----------



## Jellybeans

I am not surprised that email didn't work. Your wife probably gave you the wrong email on purpose. Which, if true, should piss you off even more. 

You said she gave you a partial name. Google it or see if it's on Facebook and anything comes up.


----------



## Bolio24

Dammit!! I can't find anything useful on Spokeo, and nothing yet on Facebook. Although, there are thousands of possibilities on Facebook, his name could be spelled multiple different ways. Trying to find an employee listing on-line for him now.


Hell, I had to sign-up for Facebook just to get on and look around. And I can't even find my wife. I know she has an account too. I put her name in the search bar and nothing. Is it possible for a user to block searches of their name??


----------



## Gabriel

Bolio24 said:


> Dammit!! I can't find anything useful on Spokeo, and nothing yet on Facebook. Although, there are thousands of possibilities on Facebook, his name could be spelled multiple different ways. Trying to find an employee listing on-line for him now.
> 
> 
> Hell, I had to sign-up for Facebook just to get on and look around. And I can't even find my wife. I know she has an account too. I put her name in the search bar and nothing. Is it possible for a user to block searches of their name??


Look, you need to quit with the games above. Your wife is already busted. Now it's time to lay down the law. Tell her the email was phony, and that if she doesn't either give you the OMW's contact information, the OM's full name, or texts/emails between her and the OM, that you are going to expose this to everyone she knows, and you will pack up her suitcases for her.

She is winning the standoff. Time for you to up the ante.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Bolio24 said:


> Dammit!! I can't find anything useful on Spokeo, and nothing yet on Facebook. Although, there are thousands of possibilities on Facebook, his name could be spelled multiple different ways. Trying to find an employee listing on-line for him now.


Bolio, quit the wild goose chase. If the guy's name started with an 'A' you can best believe that she gave you one that started with a 'Z'.


----------



## NaturalHeart

Bolio24 said:


> Here's an obnoxious string of text messages she sent to me several months ago. After an evening of talking about our marriage and us, and asking her some of the same questions I still have - this is her response the next day...
> 
> WW: Checkin in, just woke up and I'm late. Jumping in the shower.
> 
> Me: Morning.
> 
> WW: Checking in, getting out of bed took longer than I planned. Just now getting out of shower. Gonna get dressed now.
> 
> WW: Checking in, I'm late. Just left the house. I'm wearing grey pants, blue blouse, black shoes.
> 
> Me: You obviously missed the point of our conversation.
> 
> WW: Checking in, just got to work.
> 
> Me: You could of just put this whole thing to rest last night. Instead, now you're playing with my emotions.
> 
> WW: Checking in, just got in the car. Headed home.
> 
> WW: Checking in, I'm home. Going to change clothes now.
> 
> WW: Checking in, after a long day at work, I guess I will take the kids to practice since you're not here.
> 
> Me: I'm not even off work yet!?!
> 
> WW: Checking in, on our way home.


 
She is being sarcastically condescending


----------



## Jellybeans

Bolio24 said:


> Is it possible for a user to block searches of their name??


Yep.

I agree with Gabe. But I've been telling you this all the time--demand his and his wife's name. She is lying when she says se doesn't know what it is when she works with him; when the wife emailed her.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

You had her cornered and then you let her get away. She's hoping that the OMW will give up in her attempts to contact you and that she can gaslight you with deleted text messages and 'all I did was exchange inappropriate texts with OM.'

You know deep down that your wife is a cheat. Criminals have been convicted with much less.


----------



## Gabriel

Bolio24 said:


> Here's an obnoxious string of text messages she sent to me several months ago. After an evening of talking about our marriage and us, and asking her some of the same questions I still have - this is her response the next day...
> 
> WW: Checkin in, just woke up and I'm late. Jumping in the shower.
> 
> Me: Morning.
> 
> WW: Checking in, getting out of bed took longer than I planned. Just now getting out of shower. Gonna get dressed now.
> 
> WW: Checking in, I'm late. Just left the house. I'm wearing grey pants, blue blouse, black shoes.
> 
> Me: You obviously missed the point of our conversation.
> 
> WW: Checking in, just got to work.
> 
> Me: You could of just put this whole thing to rest last night. Instead, now you're playing with my emotions.
> 
> WW: Checking in, just got in the car. Headed home.
> 
> WW: Checking in, I'm home. Going to change clothes now.
> 
> WW: Checking in, after a long day at work, I guess I will take the kids to practice since you're not here.
> 
> Me: I'm not even off work yet!?!
> 
> WW: Checking in, on our way home.


What a B. I can't believe this nonsense.


----------



## tom67

Jellybeans said:


> Yep.
> 
> I agree with Gabe. But I've been telling you this all the time--demand his and his wife's name. She is lying when she says se doesn't know what it is when she works with him; when the wife emailed her.


Tell her you are done with the games you are not stupid and you want their names now or you are packing her ***t and changing the locks:lol:


----------



## Almostrecovered

it's simple really-


"Wife, because you are not being truthful with me as of right now I am finding a lawyer and filing for divorce, this is your last chance to provide me the details that I will confirm with OMW. If you do show me what I am asking and be 100% truthful with me then there may be a chance at R. If you do not I guarantee you there will be D"

YOU HAVE THE POWER right now, she does not.


----------



## Acabado

Man. It's not easy but actually very simple:
Lawyer up, draft the papers.
With those papers on one hand and your demands in the other you make her choose. No barganing, no hiding, no buying time.
She gives you OM's name, OM's BW name, free access, you set up the poly, the STD tests, she come clean... whatever.
All of this can be done in the living room, she doesn't need more time to think. She has to choose NOW.


----------



## Jellybeans

Hi, AR. Seems like I havne't seen you around in awhile.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Almostrecovered said:


> it's simple really-
> 
> 
> "Wife, because you are not being truthful with me as of right now I am finding a lawyer and filing for divorce, this is your last chance to provide me the details that I will confirm with OMW. If you do show me what I am asking and be 100% truthful with me then there may be a chance at R. If you do not I guarantee you there will be D"
> 
> YOU HAVE THE POWER right now, she does not.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

(AR, where have you been hiding?)


----------



## Almostrecovered

same old TAM story- took a break, came back to tell someone off and got banned, came back refreshed


----------



## strugglinghusband

Almostrecovered said:


> same old TAM story- took a break, came back to tell someone off and got banned, came back refreshed


He's Back in the TAM groove

Many Days since I was here, on the street I was passin' my time away 
To the left and to the right, buildings towering to the sky 
It's outta sight in the dead of night 
Here I am, again on this web site, with a fistful of dollars 
And baby, you'd better believe 

Chorus: 
I'm back, back in the TAM Groove 
I'm back, back in the TAM Groove 
I'm back, back in the TAM Groove 
Back in the TAM Groove, in the TAM Groove 

In the back of my Turtle Shell 
A wicked lady, sittin' by my side, sayin' 'Where are we?' 
Stop at Third and Forty-three, exit to the night 
It's gonna be ecstacy, this place was meant for me 

Feels so good tonight, who cares about tomorrow 
So baby, you'd better believe 

Chorus 

I'm back, back in the TAM Groove



You were missed A/R


----------



## thatgirll007

It is as simple as everyone says. 

Stop questioning yourself and start questioning your wife. No excuses, no BS. She's lying through her teeth and she thinks she can fool you into believing her lies and going back to status quo. 

Stand up for yourself and be willing to lose her. Your heart and your love is worth more than this. You deserve honesty and fidelity.

Anything less than the OM and his wife's name and phone numbers is unacceptable. You need to have a conversation with both of them otherwise you can bury your head in the sand, but do it knowing that your wife will continue to lie, disrespect you and cheat on you, if not with the current OM, then someone else that catches her eye.


----------



## PHTlump

Bolio24 said:


> I'm definitely trying to save the marriage. That's why Im trying everything to get her to tell me the truth. It's pretty obvious I'm going to have to go underground, following many of the suggestions here. I ordered a VAR and am looking into sim card readers and text message retrieval tools. I guess she thinks this will all blow over eventually, so I think my best bet is to get something concrete. If there is really something to find - then that's it, it's over.


I understand your reluctance. This reminds me of Shamwow's thread. His wife was withholding sex from him, grooming herself (salon waxing), buying lingerie, and planning trips with the OM. The red flags were obvious. But, Shamwow wanted to be 1000% sure, so he had to wait until he could recover her deleted texts, where his wife discussed the sex she was having with the OM.

The fact is that your wife is cheating on you. It's obvious. The reason she wouldn't give you access to her email account and phone until after she had sanitized them is because the emails were damning. And I don't even mean by confirming they had sex. If your wife is typical, she was doing everything under the sun with the OM. Things that she would never do for you. Take your most perverted fantasy, add whipped cream, and you're not even halfway to what she was doing with this guy. 

The bottom line is, do what you need to do to satisfy yourself that you tried your best. But, you need to prepare yourself for the inevitable. Your wife cheated. She's not sorry. She's not willing to do any heavy lifting during reconciliation. The fact that you want her to reassure you through her actions means that she sees you as the bad guy and herself as the victim. You will find evidence of continuing cheating by investigating her. Maybe she will continue with this OM. Maybe she will take a break. Maybe she will start something new with someone new.



Bolio24 said:


> This morning I asked her again for the full name of OM and she repeated that she wasn't quite sure, and that she was never very good at spelling - (which is actually true). She said she's only seen him a few times, and that they only had an e-mail relationship.


Dude. How many times does that make? 100? I understand wanting to know. But you need to understand that SHE'S NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!!!! So stop asking. At this point, every time you ask her for details and she successfully deflects the question, you lose status in her eyes. Right now, you are literally making yourself less attractive to her and making the other man more attractive.



Bolio24 said:


> I told her if OM or OMW contact her at work today she needs to let me know immediately. She said, "If she tries to e-mail me again I'm going to call the cops and file a harassment suit against her."


That really sounds like shame and remorse to me.


----------



## tom67

thatgirll007 said:


> It is as simple as everyone says.
> 
> Stop questioning yourself and start questioning your wife. No excuses, no BS. She's lying through her teeth and she thinks she can fool you into believing her lies and going back to status quo.
> 
> Stand up for yourself and be willing to lose her. Your heart and your love is worth more than this. You deserve honesty and fidelity.
> 
> Anything less than the OM and his wife's name and phone numbers is unacceptable. You need to have a conversation with both of them otherwise you can bury your head in the sand, but do it knowing that your wife will continue to lie, disrespect you and cheat on you, if not with the current OM, then someone else that catches her eye.


If you can call in to work tonight or atleast go in later explain the situation with your boss I would think something this serious he/she would more than understand.


----------



## Jeffery

Acabado said:


> Man. It's not easy but actually very simple:
> Lawyer up, draft the papers.
> With those papers on one hand and your demands in the other you make her choose. No barganing, no hiding, no buying time.
> She gives you OM's name, OM's BW name, free access, you set up the poly, the STD tests, she come clean... whatever.
> All of this can be done in the living room, she doesn't need more time to think. She has to choose NOW.



this is the only way


----------



## Jeffery

PHTlump said:


> The fact is that your wife is cheating on you. It's obvious. The reason she wouldn't give you access to her email account and phone until after she had sanitized them is because the emails were damning. And I don't even mean by confirming they had sex. If your wife is typical, she was doing everything under the sun with the OM. Things that she would never do for you. Take your most perverted fantasy, add whipped cream, and you're not even halfway to what she was doing with this guy.
> 
> 
> Dude. How many times does that make? 100? I understand wanting to know. But you need to understand that SHE'S NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!!!! So stop asking. At this point, every time you ask her for details and she successfully deflects the question, you lose status in her eyes. Right now, you are literally making yourself less attractive to her and making the other man more attractive.
> 
> 
> That really sounds like shame and remorse to me.


do you really want to just believe her? and rugsweep. you have to know the truth andf she will not give it to you


----------



## JustAnotherMan

Bolio..

It's been 5 days.

Your WW hasn't given you one straight answer.

She keeps you at arms length away, feeds you dung and then goes to shower to shave the kitty for work.

When are you going to do something?


----------



## daggeredheart

As a woman- I doubt she doesn't know his last name or how to spell it.....heck she's probably drawing their first and last names in her doodle pad _"forever'_ straight up twilight style. 


Sometimes we don't want to know the truth so we don't ask the questions. You can really save a lot of time and setbacks if you just listen to the advice from the folks here.....they've already made these mistakes and share the advice so you do it right the first time. 

I have to question if you really want a authentic marriage because it seems like you just want to rugsweep.


----------



## warlock07

Almostrecovered said:


> same old TAM story- took a break, came back to tell someone off and got banned, came back refreshed


got banned ?


----------



## Almostrecovered

you miss all the fun warlock


----------



## Chris989

Bolio,

7 months ago I didn't want to believe my wife was having an affair with another man. I didn't *ignore* evidence, I just didn't know where to look or even what evidence there might be.

I ended up going to the OM's house and that stopped the affair in its tracks although I didn't know it at the time - I was just looking for answers (admittedly in a rather grumpy shouty way).

It was 6 weeks *after* the affair stopped that I found out about the 2 1/2 year passionately physical love affair my wife had with a total loser.

My point is, I had spent 4 weeks pressuring my wife into telling me the truth about what I suspected and she stuck to her story.

Why? 

She had nothing to lose. I didn't understand that there had to be serious consequences to her lying. It was a combination of anger and luck that found me knocking at the POSOM's door on the morning of Sunday April 8th.

Without me doing that, she would still be doing him.

She tells me - and I believe her - that she is glad it ended. She took the decision to do what she did but she was also trapped.

We might not get through this, but 5 months later she could not be showing me that she loves me more. 

There is hope. You can save this - but you need to act; you need to be harsh. It feels entirely unnatural. It will be WAY outside of your comfort zone. Get angry or get used to the idea that your wife is not only (probably) regularly having sex with another man, she wants to too. Every time she leaves the house think about what that could mean.

You have to fight for it and this is just the beginning but you have to start.


----------



## Machiavelli

Bolio,

How long has your wife been shaving her snatch and wearing G strings to work? 

How long ago did your wife get her boob job?

How long ago did your wife get her tummy tuck?

The earliest date of the above 3 actions is how long she's been screwing around on you. Not the flirting stuff, the actual screwing part. No question it's been several guys, due to her trying to shape the battlespace when exposure was imminent with OM#1 and OM#2. She only does that when she feels like she's getting ready to be outed. There are plenty more guys you know nothing about.

How do I know? I know a lot about federal govt installations with hundreds of people. Spent 25 years in them. The affairs are constant and it's an avenue of advancement for women, and men since about 1978 or so when large numbers of women began to break into management. Your wife is getting it on right on the installation. I've got lots of stories. 

I presently own a fitness facility and I know quite a lot about what women are up to when they decide to up their hotness rank. 

It's almost a concrete fact, just based on your wife's actions and her confession to you, that she was nailed by both OM#1 and OM#2. Taking that as a fact, would you still want to stay with your wife? If so, you WILL need to investigate, demand the names, addresses, and start changing your "Delta" behaviors. 

On the other hand, if you cannot tolerate her adulteries with her lovers, there is no need to investigate anything. Simply file for divorce. The exception is that you may live in a state where it could be advantageous for various reasons to file under adultery instead of the default "no fault."

Do you still want her, even though other guys have been in your private playground?

Did you order the DNA kit for the kids? You'll need this whether or not you divorce or stay together.


----------



## Hope1964

I forget - did you get tested for STD's?


----------



## Gabriel

Machiavelli said:


> Bolio,
> 
> How long has your wife been shaving her snatch and wearing G strings to work?
> 
> How long ago did your wife get her boob job?
> 
> How long ago did your wife get her tummy tuck?
> 
> The earliest date of the above 3 actions is how long she's been screwing around on you. Not the flirting stuff, the actual screwing part. No question it's been several guys, due to her trying to shape the battlespace when exposure was imminent with OM#1 and OM#2. She only does that when she feels like she's getting ready to be outed. There are plenty more guys you know nothing about.
> 
> How do I know? I know a lot about federal govt installations with hundreds of people. Spent 25 years in them. The affairs are constant and it's an avenue of advancement for women, and men since about 1978 or so when large numbers of women began to break into management. Your wife is getting it on right on the installation. I've got lots of stories.
> 
> I presently own a fitness facility and I know quite a lot about what women are up to when they decide to up their hotness rank.
> 
> It's almost a concrete fact, just based on your wife's actions and her confession to you, that she was nailed by both OM#1 and OM#2. Taking that as a fact, would you still want to stay with your wife? If so, you WILL need to investigate, demand the names, addresses, and start changing your "Delta" behaviors.
> 
> On the other hand, if you cannot tolerate her adulteries with her lovers, there is no need to investigate anything. Simply file for divorce. The exception is that you may live in a state where it could be advantageous for various reasons to file under adultery instead of the default "no fault."
> 
> Do you still want her, even though other guys have been in your private playground?
> 
> Did you order the DNA kit for the kids? You'll need this whether or not you divorce or stay together.


Wow that is seriously harsh.


----------



## sandc

Bolio24 said:


> I'm going to take a look at that thread. Thank you.
> 
> Just spent the last twenty minutes trying to e-mail OMW and I keep getting Delivery to the following recepient failed permanently messages.
> 
> The email address WW forwarded to me has an FU<a before the address so I'm not sure if I should include that or not. Trying multiple variations just in case.
> 
> And no I'm not JB or a troll, just trying to get my life back together. :lol:


I dont' know if someone else pointed this out or not, still catching up. FU before the address? Mail not getting through? Permanent errors means it's a phoney email address. the FU stands for Fvck yoU, in case you didn't know. They think you are stupid.

I'm starting to get a really bad feeling about your wife.


----------



## sandc

Bolio24 said:


> Dammit!! I can't find anything useful on Spokeo, and nothing yet on Facebook. Although, there are thousands of possibilities on Facebook, his name could be spelled multiple different ways. Trying to find an employee listing on-line for him now.
> 
> 
> Hell, I had to sign-up for Facebook just to get on and look around. And I can't even find my wife. I know she has an account too. I put her name in the search bar and nothing. Is it possible for a user to block searches of their name??


As another poster pointed out. When that man emails your wife, his entire name is visible in the email. With large entities it's a must. It's usually [email protected] or some such.


----------



## sandc

Gabriel said:


> Wow that is seriously harsh.


Actually it's an educated guess and probably a damned good one.

Bolio, honestly. You can't nice your way out of this. You need to go ape sh!t to snap her out of this disdain she has for you. Your best bet has already been given you. File for divorce. You don't have to go through with it, just have the papers drawn up. Then have them in one hand and throw them on the table in front of her. Tell to come clean or that's it. And mean it. 

Your other option is much easier. Learn to live in a open marriage. Embrace the hotwife lifestyle. Buy her an ankle bracelet to wear with the initials HW. Joins some other internet forums and brag about her infidelities. You will be hailed as a hero on those forums.

It's up to you, man.


----------



## kenmoore14217

Real? Troll? Idiot??

All of the above??


----------



## tom67

kenmoore14217 said:


> Real? Troll? Idiot??
> 
> All of the above??


I hope the omw got ahold of him or he went to see an attorney I mean wow right in his face.DNA the kids also.


----------



## Bolio24

sandc said:


> As another poster pointed out. When that man emails your wife, his entire name is visible in the email. With large entities it's a must. It's usually [email protected] or some such.


The emails were sent from my wifes work email to OM personal email. That is how the OMW discovered everything. Along with that OMW has OM personal cell phone now.

I have not recently been tested for STDs but as a sign of how serious I am, tomorrow I will make the appt.

I'm trying to figure out from my wife right now why the email address was invalid. My wife says she doesn't want to tell me what happened because she is ashamed and doesn't want me to hate her. I'm sick of all this bsh!t run around. If I can't get her to talk I will bring in Family to the conversation to see if she budges. The D option (or the threat of it) is my last option. But its definitely getting closer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

The level of disrespect she is showing is mindblowing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli

Gabriel said:


> Wow that is seriously harsh.


Which part sounds wrong to you? Remember, we're just playing the odds based on typical female behavior. Every ten thousand years or so, a unique being comes along flying all these various red flags simultaneously, despite being totally innocent. Maybe OP's WW is the one for the Holocene Era.


----------



## Machiavelli

Bolio24 said:


> The D option (or the threat of it) is my last option. But its definitely getting closer.


Polygraph, if you like.


----------



## sandc

Bolio24 said:


> The emails were sent from my wifes work email to OM personal email. That is how the OMW discovered everything. Along with that OMW has OM personal cell phone now.
> 
> I have not recently been tested for STDs but as a sign of how serious I am, tomorrow I will make the appt.
> 
> I'm trying to figure out from my wife right now why the email address was invalid. My wife says she doesn't want to tell me what happened because she is ashamed and doesn't want me to hate her. I'm sick of all this bsh!t run around. If I can't get her to talk I will bring in Family to the conversation to see if she budges. The D option (or the threat of it) is my last option. But its definitely getting closer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. FILING for divorce is your first and best option. Actually signing the papers and moving out is your LAST option.

Please go through and read some of the other stories here on TAM and you will see that you are going about this from a position of weakness. Stop being weak and file.


----------



## Hope1964

Bolio24 said:


> The emails were sent from my wifes work email to OM personal email. That is how the OMW discovered everything. Along with that OMW has OM personal cell phone now.
> 
> I have not recently been tested for STDs but as a sign of how serious I am, tomorrow I will make the appt.
> 
> I'm trying to figure out from my wife right now why the email address was invalid. My wife says she doesn't want to tell me what happened because she is ashamed and doesn't want me to hate her. I'm sick of all this bsh!t run around. If I can't get her to talk I will bring in Family to the conversation to see if she budges. The D option (or the threat of it) is my last option. But its definitely getting closer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're getting there  I REALLY think you need to kick her out NOW though. Don't file for D, just kick her out. She doesn't want to tell you what happened because she's lying to you. Have you read up on trickle truth? She's protecting herself and you have got to snap her out of it with something harsh. 

YOU HAVE GIVEN HER ENOUGH CHANCES. IT IS NOW TIME TO STOP TALKING TO HER AND ACT!!!


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

^^^This. 

[Sigh.]


----------



## Stonewall

Awise man learns from his mistakes. A genius learns from the mistakes of others!


----------



## anchorwatch

Four days and the OP is still in the dark in more ways than one. Pity.


----------



## strugglinghusband

anchorwatch said:


> Four days and the OP is still in the dark in more ways than one. Pity.


:iagree::iagree:

He's been given all kinds of light, just afraid to shine it in the right direction....

Bolio, your inactions, will haunt you later....this I know as hard learned fact.


----------



## Will_Kane

Bolio24 said:


> Also, I brought up the STD Tests and *she was not very happy to say the least*. She was diagnosed with HPV very early in our marriage and she still says that it's not an STD an it is a naturally occuring phenomena in women.
> 
> *So I think I will hold off for a minute on the Polygraph Question*.


Are you trying to handle finding out about your wife's affair in such a way so that your wife remains "happy"?


----------



## Will_Kane

Bolio24 said:


> Also, I brought up the STD Tests and she was not very happy to say the least. She was diagnosed with HPV very early in our marriage and she still says that it's not an STD an it is a naturally occuring phenomena in women.
> 
> *So I think I will hold off for a minute on the Polygraph Question*.


Is the minute up yet? Ever ask her the polygraph question? Sorry if I missed it.


----------



## Racer

Have you tried sending it to his email? She (OMW) may be monitoring it as well.


----------



## Acabado

> My wife says she doesn't want to tell me what happened because she is ashamed and doesn't want me to hate her.


 Tell her *you believe her*. If *she* believes she can't confess because you will divorce her then you procee with* her* decision to divorce becuse you won't stay in the marriage with such lies. There's no marriage to save as *she*'s pointing out.
There's no other choices, your - obviously apropiate - demands to a T or divorce, *she* chose divorce.

Hard 180, don't engage with her, don't email her, don't ask her anymore, proceed with divorce. She will try to talk to you, you only ask her; Did you change your mind? Are you accepting the rules? If not, there's nothing to talk about.


----------



## tom67

Bolio polygrah this week


----------



## Shaggy

Bolio,

I don't think you are seeing what's currently going on with you wfe ..let me explain.

- last week the OM dumped your wife.
- he told her his "crazy" wife had caught him and her , knew they as behaving sex, and was going to come tell you everything.
- it's even possible he and she believed with was going to come out at work and get them fired.

Your wife panicked and went into immediate damage control mode.

You didn't explode on the spot - so she felt relieved.
You didn't demand her phone, or she must leave, so she felt emboldened 

You didn't talk to the OMW

You didn't find the truth.

You wife began to feel like she was successful at stopping the world crashing.

So now that the panic is over she is returning to the way it was before and she is returning to her secrets and affairs. Soon she will even try getting mad at you for continuing to bring up this little thing.

She contacted the OM when she got her car washed. Perhaps they met there, perhaps there even was a care wash. What Thur certainly was, was her regrouping with her lover.

You missed your first opportunity to legit the truth. Now you are fighting it out with a woman who is no longer acting out of fear. She is trying to quiet things down and resume her affair.

Stop letting her go back to normal. Normal involves her having sex with other men.

Demand the polygraph, tomorrow.

Now the polygraph suggestion ha been made a few times and you just ignore it. That is one thing which does make me very suspicious that you may not be genuine, because that is just the way out r friendly TAM troll would act. He would ignore constructive action suggestions, and instead just keep escalating the drama and only respond to the posts which were about the drama, while totally ignoring posts that offered actions and solutions.

Action: take her to get a polygraph this week. Explain you are filing for D unless she takes it.

Action: she gives you the full name, email, and phone number of the OM. 

Action: you call the number,

Action: you use the number to find the OMW

Action: you go he meet the OMW

Action: you have your wife's panties tested for semen, especially the ones she wore to get the car washed and the ones she's been wearing to work this week.


----------



## Entropy3000

Bolio24 said:


> And now I'm sitting here having cereal with my kids while she's in the shower shaving her pus and getting ready for "work.". F this BSa!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is amazng that folks are still playing along with this.


Why has she not quit her job yet?


----------



## Entropy3000

Almostrecovered said:


> it's simple really-
> 
> 
> "Wife, because you are not being truthful with me as of right now I am finding a lawyer and filing for divorce, this is your last chance to provide me the details that I will confirm with OMW. If you do show me what I am asking and be 100% truthful with me then there may be a chance at R. If you do not I guarantee you there will be D"
> 
> YOU HAVE THE POWER right now, she does not.


This ^^^^


----------



## PHTlump

Machiavelli said:


> Did you order the DNA kit for the kids? You'll need this whether or not you divorce or stay together.


I disagree with this. There is a limited time to contest paternity. If the kids are old enough, it won't matter if he's the biological father or not. He'll be on the hook for child support. Given that he's emotionally bonded with his kids, and he will have to pay child support anyway, I think ignorance is bliss.

However, I think all infants should be DNA tested at birth to avoid situations like that.


----------



## tom67

He should find out the truth plus shame her atleast. But he hasn't. done anything so don't worry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

He has got to be one of the most passive betrayed spouses ever to grace the pages of this forum.


----------



## keko

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> He has got to be one of the most passive betrayed spouses ever to grace the pages of this forum.


Give the guy a break. He's got the town bike as a wife, that's hard to process in such a short time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

keko said:


> Give the guy a break. He's got the town bike as a wife, that's hard to process in such a short time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Keko, when did you get back?

I feel really bad for him; however, she appears to always be several steps ahead of him.


----------



## tom67

Allright that's fair aday or 2 but he should kick her out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigtone128

rodney dangerfield once said to his bartender "who told you you could fool around with my wife?" to which the bartender responded "everybody"


----------



## Machiavelli

PHTlump said:


> I disagree with this. There is a limited time to contest paternity. If the kids are old enough, it won't matter if he's the biological father or not. He'll be on the hook for child support. Given that he's emotionally bonded with his kids, and he will have to pay child support anyway, I think ignorance is bliss.
> 
> However, I think all infants should be DNA tested at birth to avoid situations like that.


Different states, different laws; and they're always changing. Particularly with DNA. Ignorance is never bliss, it's just ignorance and what you don't know, CAN hurt you. Big time.


----------



## PHTlump

Machiavelli said:


> Different states, different laws; and they're always changing. Particularly with DNA.


Perhaps, do you know of any states that allow a man to use DNA after years of being the presumed father to escape child support obligations? I'm no expert, but all the states I know of give a limited time to contest paternity. After the time limit, it doesn't matter whether you're the father or not. You still have to pay support.



Machiavelli said:


> Ignorance is never bliss, it's just ignorance and what you don't know, CAN hurt you. Big time.


Again, perhaps. But, given the choice between raising a child I believe to be mine, and being forced to raise another man's child, I would choose the former. Different strokes.


----------



## tom67

PHTlump said:


> Perhaps, do you know of any states that allow a man to use DNA after years of being the presumed father to escape child support obligations? I'm no expert, but all the states I know of give a limited time to contest paternity. After the time limit, it doesn't matter whether you're the father or not. You still have to pay support.
> 
> 
> Again, perhaps. But, given the choice between raising a child I believe to be mine, and being forced to raise another man's child, I would choose the former. Different strokes.


Sorry I was a doormat at the shock of it all but my ex wasn't as blatant as this.


----------



## tom67

If he doesn't respond next day TROLL, jmo.


----------



## alphaomega

I'm sorry. I just really can't take any more of this thread...

24 pages of the same information, and you still don't agree with it.

Your wife told you she had an affair....and you still want more proof.

Your wife actually told you....I don't want you to read the texts because I don't want you to hate me.

Seriously? 

Let me translate that for you...
Honey...I told you it was just innocent sexting...but in reality I don't want you to know the truth that I've been monkey fu(king this guy for two years. Two full years where I ignored you and never gave you any affection because I was saving it all up for my married lover. So please don't hate me for that because I really really love cake more than anything in this world and just love eating it.

Again....seriously?

The OMs wife was pi$$ed off to all hell and parked outside your house like a psycho stalker, waiting to give you info. Would she be that pi$$ed with some mild flirty jokes in an email?

I suggest growing some nuts....but hey...if its better to bury your head in the sand....that's your call.


----------



## BjornFree

Can't turn a hoe into a housewife. Sorry you're going through this man.


----------



## alphaomega

Yeah. I hope she paid for those new boobs herself because that would be the ultimate knife in the back if he did.


----------



## Silverlining

Bolio, 

Your story sounds familiar to one posted here previously. This story was of a man whose wife was fired for having an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker. If I remember correctly, the wife gaslighted her husband into believing nothing was happening and her showing affection to her co-worker was nothing more than harmless. He chose to believe his wife's lies instead of verifying. Especially since she was under duress for losing her job. 

Please verify, it's your choice to prove of disprove what your wife is telling you. Take off the blinders and see things for what they really are. You are being gaslighted and deceived. 

Quit drinking her Kool Aid :slap:


----------



## Memento

People, I think you all need to cool down a little. Bolio is going thru something that no one deserves. Have some compassion and sympathy!

Bolio, this is probably the most difficult decision of your life, but only YOU can decide what you want to do with the "red flags". One of 2 things is going to happen: either you decide to take action now, or you are going to pretend that people around here are exaggerating and don't really know what they are talking about. And all those "red flags" you are seeing, don't really mean anything.

If you choose the second one, I personally can assure, that months or years from now, you are going to wake up and hate yourself for not having accepted what was obvious from the start. You will also think, about all those months/years that you were miserable, and you could have been with someone that loved you and treated you nicely.

I am not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to tell you I believe everyone deserves to be happy and be loved. 

You did your best buddy!


----------



## anchorwatch

That's the point. What evidence does he have?


----------



## Memento

His wife admitted having, at least, an EA with a married man.


----------



## Almostrecovered

Bolio

You're scared and are afraid of the truth and afraid of divorcing/losing your wife

and it's not an uncommon feeling for a BS, whether you are a man or woman, it's seen here all the time on CWI to feel what you are feeling. I don't dare challenge your masculinity nor manhood like others will. This is a life altering event and your whole world is crumbling around you.

Know this and understand this and I think you can begin to regain the strength you need to take a stronger stance with your wife-

You will be okay

whether you R or D

you will be okay

it's going to suck no matter which path you take and there will be trying times and horrible emotions to process in R or D. 

but you will be okay

essentially know that your wife is lost to you now already, thus by making that stand in the manner I described earlier you are risking nothing that hasn't already been lost, you only stand to gain from this point. 

because ultimately, you will be okay

you either have her walk for not telling the truth and then divorcing or you get the truth and then make an informed decision as to what you want. BUt you won't get her back in the way you need and deserve unless you have everything on the table, complete transparency and 100% remorse from her. She has shown none of that now, so you need to see that you deserve better until she does.

because you will be okay, people divorce all the time and build better lives, some people R and build better marriages, some people attempt R under the proper requirements and still get divorced. But all paths can lead to a better future and as sh!tty as life is now and the fact that what has happened to you wasn't within your control, you can start to exercise your power and gain control and be in charge of your future happiness.

You will be okay and you can do this


----------



## PHTlump

I posted earlier that Bolio's wife's phone permanently deletes text messages without the possibility to recover them. However, another poster was a WW in an EA who was busted on Sprint because pictures sent via text message are automatically uploaded to Sprint's picture server. Bolio should Google it to see if he can find some pictures that his wife sent the OM.


----------



## TCSRedhead

PHTlump said:


> I posted earlier that Bolio's wife's phone permanently deletes text messages without the possibility to recover them. However, another poster was a WW in an EA who was busted on Sprint because pictures sent via text message are automatically uploaded to Sprint's picture server. Bolio should Google it to see if he can find some pictures that his wife sent the OM.


That was me - If you use Sprint to send or receive picture texts, the pictures with any text that accompanied them are stored (now short term) on Sprint's Picture Mail server. 

Very hard to say it was nothing with that type of evidence in your face.


----------



## Gabriel

TCSRedhead said:


> That was me - If you use Sprint to send or receive picture texts, the pictures with any text that accompanied them are stored (now short term) on Sprint's Picture Mail server.
> 
> Very hard to say it was nothing with that type of evidence in your face.


Red, I looked into this, and the picture mail server for Sprint was shut down in April of 2012.


----------



## TCSRedhead

Gabriel said:


> Red, I looked into this, and the picture mail server for Sprint was shut down in April of 2012.


Well, that's not too helpful then. Yeah, mine were quite a ways back now.


----------



## Bolio24

Ya, I can't believe they shut down the Sprint Picture site. Yet another roadblock. I was able to log on though and view some call information as well as text totals. Her low texts for a month were in the 1,900 range. But for the majority of the last six months - numbers have been well over 4,000. Not encouraging.

Her call history shows almost daily calls both incoming and ougoing to the same number at her workplace. They all happen in the evening, during the time she is at soccer practice with the kids, and all last for 20-30 minutes. The last one was made Thursday, the day before DD!

I also found a series of calls that took place during the weekdays, over the summer, while I was out of town on business. Many of those calls lasted 60-90 minutes. I looked up the number on Spokeo and low and behold it belongs to the boyfriend she had just before we got together. Go ahead and (Insert I told you so comments here).

Anyway, I've been feeling just sick to my stomach for about a day now. I threw up lunch at work last night, and have generally been a pissy person to be around. I've reached a boiling point with her, and yet she continues to go about her daily life as usual. Sending silly forwards and texts that I could really give a sh!t about right now. I'm going to take the advice given here, and write her a letter with my requirements. 'Almost Recovered' wrote an effective looking template letter... Polygraph, testings, NC letters to multiple guys, contact information for local Perp and his wife, she's going to have to agree to GPS/text monitoring, and possible job relo or exit. If she can't abide by those rules then she really isn't that committed to fixing us.


----------



## happyman64

Bolio24 said:


> Ya, I can't believe they shut down the Sprint Picture site. Yet another roadblock. I was able to log on though and view some call information as well as text totals. Her low texts for a month were in the 1,900 range. But for the majority of the last six months - numbers have been well over 4,000. Not encouraging.
> 
> Her call history shows almost daily calls both incoming and ougoing to the same number at her workplace. They all happen in the evening, during the time she is at soccer practice with the kids, and all last for 20-30 minutes. The last one was made Thursday, the day before DD!
> 
> I also found a series of calls that took place during the weekdays, over the summer, while I was out of town on business. Many of those calls lasted 60-90 minutes. I looked up the number on Spokeo and low and behold it belongs to the boyfriend she had just before we got together. Go ahead and (Insert I told you so comments here).
> 
> Anyway, I've been feeling just sick to my stomach for about a day now. I threw up lunch at work last night, and have generally been a pissy person to be around. I've reached a boiling point with her, and yet she continues to go about her daily life as usual. Sending silly forwards and texts that I could really give a sh!t about right now. I'm going to take the advice given here, and write her a letter with my requirements. 'Almost Recovered' wrote an effective looking template letter... Polygraph, testings, NC letters to multiple guys, contact information for local Perp and his wife, she's going to have to agree to GPS/text monitoring, and possible job relo or exit. If she can't abide by those rules then she really isn't that committed to fixing us.


You should do all of the above and then go on your states website and print out do it yourself divorce papers. Have them ready for her when she reneges on telling you the truth.

Just hand them to her if your gut is telling you she is BS'ing you which she probably will.

And yes Bolio, it looks like your wife has been involved in more than one rodeo. Between more than one man and the hpv i think you need to take a very hard stance with your wife.

And no matter what happens, if anyone leaves the home for cooling off it is her. And you should move all her stuff to the guest room before she gets home.

Last but not least, work from home on Friday without her knowledge.

Leave your car in the driveway and your front door open. That way if the OMW does a drive by she will know you are home.

It is worth a shot.

Your wife is lying like a pro. We all see it. You are just seeing the tip of the iceberg.

Do not get upset. Do not get angry. 

Get mean. Get determined to get the answers. And if she bs's you plan on having her family over on Fridays sans the kids and have a good old style family meeting to air the dirty laundry.

Again without her knowledge.

You need to get a few steps ahead of her. You need to shock her now.

You will have time to cry and grieve later.

And make that STD test for two. Go Drag her ass there now.

Good Luck

HM64


----------



## Stonewall

one more thing about the BS she told before......HPV doesnt "just happen' to some women.


----------



## warlock07

Bolio24 said:


> Ya, I can't believe they shut down the Sprint Picture site. Yet another roadblock. I was able to log on though and view some call information as well as text totals. Her low texts for a month were in the 1,900 range. But for the majority of the last six months - numbers have been well over 4,000. Not encouraging.
> 
> Her call history shows almost daily calls both incoming and ougoing to the same number at her workplace. They all happen in the evening, during the time she is at soccer practice with the kids, and all last for 20-30 minutes. The last one was made Thursday, the day before DD!
> 
> I also found a series of calls that took place during the weekdays, over the summer, while I was out of town on business. Many of those calls lasted 60-90 minutes. I looked up the number on Spokeo and low and behold it belongs to the boyfriend she had just before we got together. Go ahead and (Insert I told you so comments here).
> 
> Anyway, I've been feeling just sick to my stomach for about a day now. I threw up lunch at work last night, and have generally been a pissy person to be around. I've reached a boiling point with her, and yet she continues to go about her daily life as usual. Sending silly forwards and texts that I could really give a sh!t about right now. I'm going to take the advice given here, and write her a letter with my requirements. 'Almost Recovered' wrote an effective looking template letter... Polygraph, testings, NC letters to multiple guys, contact information for local Perp and his wife, she's going to have to agree to GPS/text monitoring, and possible job relo or exit. If she can't abide by those rules then she really isn't that committed to fixing us.



Perfect...Just read a few threads on TAM and see how similar these affairs, exposure and the trickle truths happens. Educate yourself with how affairs work and their patterns. Your wife will follow a similar strategy..She will lie as much as she can and will definitely give you half truths to manipulate you.

The sprint pictures thing, your wife does not know about it yet. You can use it to your advantage.


----------



## Machiavelli

warlock07 said:


> Perfect...Just read a few threads on TAM and* see how similar these affairs, exposure and the trickle truths happens*. Educate yourself with how affairs work and their patterns. Your wife will follow a similar strategy..She will lie as much as she can and will definitely give you half truths to manipulate you.


Bolio, Warlock is correct. Same ole' scheisse over and over again. That's why I wasn't stepping out on any shaky limbs with that response to your first post. Lots of guys waiting to emerge from your wife's woodwork. Polygraph the wife and DNA the kids.


----------



## tom67

Bolio I hope you come back and update us, we wish nothing but the best for you take care.


----------



## TDSC60

Multiple OM so far? 

Damn I am sorry. I thought she might be confined to the workplace but I guess not. She is a serial cheater. The worst of the worst.

You have a hard road ahead if you stay with her.

Stay strong and good luck with whatever you decide.


----------



## Chris989

I want to interject at this point; I had several posters telling me my WW is a serial cheater.

Whilst some of what was told me was correct and I have received a lot of help on here; there is not one scrap of evidence that she has cheated on me with more than one man.

I have been through everything including her whole life's medical records(I went with her to collect them and took them with me from the surgery).

Your wife might be, she might not be. Your problem now is stopping her current affair and seeing where you go from there. Don't let anything else sway you from that.

Good luck. We are all rooting for you.


----------



## workindad

Funny she doesn't know how to spell her ex-boyfriend's name. 

I'm surprised by what you are putting up with. You cannot expect her to respect you or your marriage if you do not respect yourself. Not intended to be harsh, just to the point.

Get checked for STDs- schedule the polygraph. She is playing you like a fiddle and you are letting her. She knows you can't be this blind.

Good luck and take care of yourself
WD


----------



## iheartlife

Bolio24 said:


> Ya, I can't believe they shut down the Sprint Picture site. Yet another roadblock. I was able to log on though and view some call information as well as text totals. *Her low texts for a month were in the 1,900 range. But for the majority of the last six months - numbers have been well over 4,000. Not encouraging.*
> 
> Her call history shows almost daily calls both incoming and ougoing to the same number at her workplace. They all happen in the evening, during the time she is at soccer practice with the kids, and all last for 20-30 minutes. The last one was made Thursday, the day before DD!
> 
> I also found a series of calls that took place during the weekdays, over the summer, while I was out of town on business. Many of those calls lasted 60-90 minutes. I looked up the number on Spokeo and low and behold it belongs to the boyfriend she had just before we got together. Go ahead and (Insert I told you so comments here).


I take it you're just guessing from the wild swings in amount of texting that the higher months are including an extra 2,000 to 3,000 texts to the OM(s). You would be right. It's too bad you can't break down this by who they were sent to (correct me if I'm wrong) on the lower-end months. Verizon shows who the texts are going to for the current month via an online account.

As for the calling pattern--what can I say, CLASSIC. That was my H's calling pattern for the 12 months I could get cell phone bills for. Not necessarily daily, but several times a week.

Those first thing in the morning / last thing at night calls are the "honey, how was your day," calls. The ones she should be having with you. I am not rubbing this in. I had to stare at my own set of phone bills, just the same as you. Have you checked birthdays, holidays yet? Another fun way to lose your lunch if you haven't. I especially liked the 20 minute call Christmas eve and another 30 minutes Christmas day. With me right there in the house--not sure how the heck he pulled that one off.

You don't even need a VAR in the car with bills like these before confronting her. I'm so sorry.


----------



## Acabado

You so have Gym guy OM1 (she proactively gaslighted you), then current coworker guy MOM2 (again proactively gaslighted, not even identified). Now shows up exBFF OM3.

You need to add STD test and a polygraph to the list.

Meanwhile lawyer up, keep snooping.
It's your list of demands or divorce.

You know nothing beyond what she told you. What are the odds you know 1/100 of the truth?


----------



## jim123

Bolio24 said:


> Ya, I can't believe they shut down the Sprint Picture site. Yet another roadblock. I was able to log on though and view some call information as well as text totals. Her low texts for a month were in the 1,900 range. But for the majority of the last six months - numbers have been well over 4,000. Not encouraging.
> 
> Her call history shows almost daily calls both incoming and ougoing to the same number at her workplace. They all happen in the evening, during the time she is at soccer practice with the kids, and all last for 20-30 minutes. The last one was made Thursday, the day before DD!
> 
> I also found a series of calls that took place during the weekdays, over the summer, while I was out of town on business. Many of those calls lasted 60-90 minutes. I looked up the number on Spokeo and low and behold it belongs to the boyfriend she had just before we got together. Go ahead and (Insert I told you so comments here).
> 
> Anyway, I've been feeling just sick to my stomach for about a day now. I threw up lunch at work last night, and have generally been a pissy person to be around. I've reached a boiling point with her, and yet she continues to go about her daily life as usual. Sending silly forwards and texts that I could really give a sh!t about right now. I'm going to take the advice given here, and write her a letter with my requirements. 'Almost Recovered' wrote an effective looking template letter... Polygraph, testings, NC letters to multiple guys, contact information for local Perp and his wife, she's going to have to agree to GPS/text monitoring, and possible job relo or exit. If she can't abide by those rules then she really isn't that committed to fixing us.


Talk to her and say that you are finding more and more.. You will get to the truth and it would be better if it came from her. Tell her that is the only way the marriage can be saved.


----------



## tom67

Acabado said:


> You so have Gym guy OM1 (she proactively gaslighted you), then current coworker guy MOM2 (again proactively gaslighted, not even identified). Now shows up exBFF OM3.
> 
> You need to add STD test and a polygraph to the list.
> 
> Meanwhile lawyer up, keep snooping.
> It's your list of demands or divorce.
> 
> You know nothing beyond what she told you. What are the odds you know 1/100 of the truth?


Usually we all say get an std test as a precaution or as a wake up call for the ws. In your case given the info, you HAVE to get one it could save your life!


----------



## Bolio24

tom67 said:


> Usually we all say get an std test as a precaution or as a wake up call for the ws. In your case given the info, you HAVE to get one it could save your life!


Ya, thanks. Got one scheduled.

The more I look back the more warning signs I see I missed. Just had to vent out a few more...

After 14 years of marriage and joint bank accounts throughout, she started pressing me about opening up her own account a year or two ago. I never gave in as its easier for me to manage bills with only one account open but probably another red flag.

I went to work out of town for most of the summer 5 days at a time. She told me two different times, 'Whatever you do out there that's fine, as long as you come home to me.'?? Who says that to their spouse?

Awhile back she was completely hammer time and we were having sex. She started talking dirty, and said 'Damn, I want both of you at the same time.' I just figured it was harmless sex talk, but maybe she wasn't kidding one bit.

G. Damn, I never thought it would be me in this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jim123

Bolio24 said:


> Ya, thanks. Got one scheduled.
> 
> The more I look back the more warning signs I see I missed. Just had to vent out a few more...
> 
> After 14 years of marriage and joint bank accounts throughout, she started pressing me about opening up her own account a year or two ago. I never gave in as its easier for me to manage bills with only one account open but probably another red flag.
> 
> I went to work out of town for most of the summer 5 days at a time. She told me two different times, 'Whatever you do out there that's fine, as long as you come home to me.'?? Who says that to their spouse?
> 
> Awhile back she was completely hammer time and we were having sex. She started talking dirty, and said 'Damn, I want both of you at the same time.' I just figured it was harmless sex talk, but maybe she wasn't kidding one bit.
> 
> G. Damn, I never thought it would be me in this situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The sooner you get to the truth, the sooner you can start to heal. Get the information and be done with the pain. You know the truth, time to face it and get rid of the fear.


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> Ya, thanks. Got one scheduled.
> 
> The more I look back the more warning signs I see I missed. Just had to vent out a few more...
> 
> After 14 years of marriage and joint bank accounts throughout, she started pressing me about opening up her own account a year or two ago. I never gave in as its easier for me to manage bills with only one account open but probably another red flag.
> 
> I went to work out of town for most of the summer 5 days at a time. She told me two different times, 'Whatever you do out there that's fine, as long as you come home to me.'?? Who says that to their spouse?
> 
> Awhile back she was completely hammer time and we were having sex. She started talking dirty, and said 'Damn, I want both of you at the same time.' I just figured it was harmless sex talk, but maybe she wasn't kidding one bit.
> 
> G. Damn, I never thought it would be me in this situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I went through the ptsd thing alittle over 2 yrs. ago take half the money out of the joint and set up one in your name don't tell her just do it. I had to do ic for about a year it was rough but 2 years later doing much better have a gf and a great relationship with my daughter-14. I'm glad you are strong enough to listen to the advice given. DNA the kids too to put your mind at ease.


----------



## jfv

Bolio, in your next relationship, challenge the stuff she says a bit more mmkay.


----------



## Machiavelli

jfv said:


> Bolio, in your next relationship, *challenge the stuff she says* a bit more mmkay.


and does.


----------



## alphaomega

Lightbulb!

It's about time!

We are not trying to bash you, it's just that some guys need a kick in the giblets before they can see straight.


----------



## Jellybeans

Bolio24 said:


> I've reached a boiling point with her, and yet she continues to go about her daily life as usual. Sending silly forwards and texts that I could really give a sh!t about right now. .



That's because she hasn't had to deal with any consequences. That's why it's so easy for her.



Bolio24 said:


> I'm going to take the advice given here, and write her a letter with my requirements.
> Polygraph, testings, NC letters to multiple guys,* contact information for local Perp and his wife, *she's going to have to agree to GPS/text monitoring, and possible job relo or exit. If she can't abide by those rules then she really isn't that committed to fixing us.


Look, all of that sounds good but I would start with her telling you his and his wife's name. If she can't do that, the tiniest little thing, then I wouldn't even consider being with her in a marriage. 

If she can't be honest with you after wrecking you, what's the point? 

26 pages in and you still don't know this guy's name because she refuses to tell you.

That's fvcked up.


----------



## TDSC60

Bolio24 said:


> I went to work out of town for most of the summer 5 days at a time. She told me two different times, 'Whatever you do out there that's fine, as long as you come home to me.'?? Who says that to their spouse?_Posted via Mobile Device_


A wife who is justifying her own affairs and cheating says this. That is how she thinks. As longer as she comes back home, anything else she does is OK.

This is a huge RED FLAG. "She wants both of you"????

Definitely a PA.


----------



## Pluto2

TDSC60 said:


> A wife who is justifying her own affairs and cheating says this. That is how she thinks. As longer as she comes back home, anything else she does is OK.
> 
> This is a huge RED FLAG. "She wants both of you"????
> 
> Definitely a PA.


OMG you have no idea how true that is! Long before I ever had even the most remote idea that my STBXH was unfaithful, I went to him and asked him to be more engaged with the family and our home. His response was that he knew people who didn't come home at night, and he did. Then he said I should be grateful that he comes home. That was most definitely the beginning of our end. I just didn't know it at the time.


----------



## Hope1964

I agree with JB. You need the guys name too, on top of your excellent list.

Keep us updated. I am so sorry this is happening.

Did you put the VAR in her car yet?


----------



## tom67

Hope1964 said:


> I agree with JB. You need the guys name too, on top of your excellent list.
> 
> Keep us updated. I am so sorry this is happening.
> 
> Did you put the VAR in her car yet?


here maybe rob went to tam Robert Pattinson 'Wants Kristen Stewart To Take A Lie Detector Test'? - Celebrity Gossip, News & Photos, Movie Reviews, Competitions - Entertainmentwise


----------



## tom67

Ok my daughter sent me that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Twilight highjack--I still can't believe Rob & Kristen got back together. Or at least the paps are saying they are back together. I had a feeling he would dump her and be through. Although, have tey been seen together since she cheated on him with the director?h


----------



## Memento

Jellybeans said:


> Twilight highjack--I still can't believe Rob & Kristen got back together. Or at least the paps are saying they are back together. I had a feeling he would dump her and be through. Although, have tey been seen together since she cheated on him with the director?h


It was all a pub stunt.


----------



## Bolio24

Hope1964 said:


> I agree with JB. You need the guys name too, on top of your excellent list.
> 
> Keep us updated. I am so sorry this is happening.
> 
> Did you put the VAR in her car yet?


Quick update:

The VAR is here, I'll be putting it in place this weekend
. I wanted to make sure I get that in place before dropping any bombs. So I've been acting noninterested
for the past few days. Also had a bit of business to handle that coincidentally, just happened to go down this morning.

Been waiting to refinance the house for several months now. Today, the notary came by and we signed the pw. Will be saving over 600 bucks a month. Even with everything going down I had to go thru with it. And I was afraid if I brought up D she might back out. And if we do R and she leaves her job, we'll need that savings. 
Idle hands: Can only wonder what my wife will be doing at home alone all day if she leaves work...

STD test scheduled.

She says the name of OM she gave me is accurate?? Even though she first told me she didn't know. I found his address and am going to swing by Friday. I can't wait to see if OMW blue truck is there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> Quick update:
> 
> The VAR is here, I'll be putting it in place this weekend
> . I wanted to make sure I get that in place before dropping any bombs. So I've been acting noninterested
> for the past few days. Also had a bit of business to handle that coincidentally, just happened to go down this morning.
> 
> Been waiting to refinance the house for several months now. Today, the notary came by and we signed the pw. Will be saving over 600 bucks a month. Even with everything going down I had to go thru with it. And I was afraid if I brought up D she might back out. And if we do R and she leaves her job, we'll need that savings.
> Idle hands: Can only wonder what my wife will be doing at home alone all day if she leaves work...
> 
> STD test scheduled.
> 
> She says the name of OM she gave me is accurate?? Even though she first told me she didn't know. I found his address and am going to swing by Friday. I can't wait to see if OMW blue truck is there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


good job bolio:smthumbup:


----------



## sandc

Bolio24 said:


> Quick update:
> 
> The VAR is here, I'll be putting it in place this weekend
> . I wanted to make sure I get that in place before dropping any bombs. So I've been acting noninterested
> for the past few days. Also had a bit of business to handle that coincidentally, just happened to go down this morning.
> 
> Been waiting to refinance the house for several months now. Today, the notary came by and we signed the pw. Will be saving over 600 bucks a month. Even with everything going down I had to go thru with it. And I was afraid if I brought up D she might back out. And if we do R and she leaves her job, we'll need that savings.
> Idle hands: Can only wonder what my wife will be doing at home alone all day if she leaves work...
> 
> STD test scheduled.
> 
> She says the name of OM she gave me is accurate?? Even though she first told me she didn't know. I found his address and am going to swing by Friday. I can't wait to see if OMW blue truck is there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well done. Now keep your cool. Don't be surprised if she gave you a phony name.


----------



## Bolio24

sandc said:


> Well done. Now keep your cool. Don't be surprised if she gave you a phony name.


Thanks. Yea, it might be fake. I still can't tell what's the truth and what's real with her. But she's always been that way, so she's had a lot of practice. 

I went to possible OM and wifes house yesterday, and no one was there. Waited for two hours, no one showed. Then I set up and tested the VAR I bought. It's really unbelievable
how well it works. Going to have it set up for next week. Phone records show that on Thursday she made her typical evening call to job place - where OM works nights. So they're still talking. Unless its possible OM 4, which I haven't mentioned before. They are allegedly just friends but he took, (takes?) her to lunch on the back of his Ducate, sp?

more later
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris989

Bolio24 said:


> Thanks. Yea, it might be fake. I still can't tell what's the truth and what's real with her. But she's always been that way, so she's had a lot of practice.
> 
> I went to possible OM and wifes house yesterday, and no one was there. Waited for two hours, no one showed. Then I set up and tested the VAR I bought. It's really unbelievable
> how well it works. Going to have it set up for next week. Phone records show that on Thursday she made her typical evening call to job place - where OM works nights. So they're still talking. Unless its possible OM 4, which I haven't mentioned before. They are allegedly just friends but * he took, (takes?) her to lunch on the back of his Ducate, sp?*
> 
> more later
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He WHAT? Yet ANOTHER MAN?

Are you winding us up?


----------



## sandc

Takes her to lunch on the back of his bike...

How do you know his and are you okay with that?


----------



## Acabado

OM4 Bolio24?
Man, man
Really, since the huge red flags you pointed out in your first post you have been dropping info who nobody, nobody could miss (and i was blind as a bat. So much I startd to think you were a troll and decided to stay away of your thread until further advice.

''just friends'' ducati guy OM4?


----------



## Bolio24

cont

The Ducati ride only happened once and she told me right away knowing that I would be pissed. She'd never ridden before and he offered. Only putting it as a possibility with everything else going on. 

I haven't brought any issues up for two days and neither has she ironically. She's definitely trying to move on. At the soccer fields yesterday my daughter tells me she learned at school how to rescue hurt people. She started chest compressions and goes, 'See, all better right.' And I say no, wait what about the mouth to mouth? And she goes, 'Daddy, I can't do that. That's what Mommys for.' My wife hearing all this of course, swooped in for the kiss and I go Yea, you know what I think I 'm feeling all better now. Nevermind.

I decided though while I'm going about this quietly for the moment, might as well have a little fun with our savings. With S.F. & Detroit in the W.S. (my kids and I are all born in those two cities) I decided to go see a game, fulfilling a promise I made to them two years ago. Best money I've spent in awhile, kids had an awesome time. Met Al Kaline, got a wave from Wille Mays, and _almost_ caught a Prince Fielder BP Homerun! 

So I'll be going back to OMW house Monday morning. Hopefully catch her after she drops her kids at school. And we'll see what the VAR says.


----------



## Chris989

Good luck. Stay frosty!


----------



## happyman64

Bolio24 said:


> cont
> 
> The Ducati ride only happened once and she told me right away knowing that I would be pissed. She'd never ridden before and he offered. Only putting it as a possibility with everything else going on.
> 
> I haven't brought any issues up for two days and neither has she ironically. She's definitely trying to move on. At the soccer fields yesterday my daughter tells me she learned at school how to rescue hurt people. She started chest compressions and goes, 'See, all better right.' And I say no, wait what about the mouth to mouth? And she goes, 'Daddy, I can't do that. That's what Mommys for.' My wife hearing all this of course, swooped in for the kiss and I go Yea, you know what I think I 'm feeling all better now. Nevermind.
> 
> I decided though while I'm going about this quietly for the moment, might as well have a little fun with our savings. With S.F. & Detroit in the W.S. (my kids and I are all born in those two cities) I decided to go see a game, fulfilling a promise I made to them two years ago. Best money I've spent in awhile, kids had an awesome time. Met Al Kaline, got a wave from Wille Mays, and _almost_ caught a Prince Fielder BP Homerun!
> 
> So I'll be going back to OMW house Monday morning. Hopefully catch her after she drops her kids at school. And we'll see what the VAR says.


And if the OMW is not there or she is BS'ing you then get serious and make a long term plan.

A. Finish refi on home.
B. See Attorney so you know your rights.
C. Uncover all info on Affair or Affairs.
D. Collect evidence via VAR, cell records, photos and GPS.

Then pick and choose how to expose her cheating and to whom.

And Bolio, your wife is in an open marriage. She just never told you. Some of her comments are red flags that you took as fantasy/hot sex comments.

It is time to change that open marriage status to closed.

But those decisions are yours to make.

Keep cool. Make her feel like you are sweeping everything under the rug.

She will go back to her nonsense sooner rather than later and then you can decide what to do with your marriage.

Good Luck

HM64


----------



## Bolio24

happyman64 said:


> And if the OMW is not there or she is BS'ing you then get serious and make a long term plan.
> 
> A. Finish refi on home.
> B. See Attorney so you know your rights.
> C. Uncover all info on Affair or Affairs.
> D. Collect evidence via VAR, cell records, photos and GPS.
> 
> Then pick and choose how to expose her cheating and to whom.
> 
> And Bolio, your wife is in an open marriage. She just never told you. Some of her comments are red flags that you took as fantasy/hot sex comments.
> 
> It is time to change that open marriage status to closed.
> 
> But those decisions are yours to make.
> 
> Keep cool. Make her feel like you are sweeping everything under the rug.
> 
> She will go back to her nonsense sooner rather than later and then you can decide what to do with your marriage.
> 
> Good Luck
> 
> HM64




Thanks for the good advice. 

And thanks to everyone here for all of the advice. It's been really hard to hear some of it, but I do appreciate it.

I was able to go back thru two years of phone records. I printed out everything and am currently going thru the call logs. Found several months with over 5,000 text messages - it just keeps getting better... Also, found AOM. This one stationed at an Army base over two thousand miles away. They must have known each other when she was in the military. Just in October, 2010 I found 40 calls between the two of them. Sometimes to his cell phone, sometimes a landline. There are days when she would call him in the morning before work, at lunch break, and then again two times after work (1 min each) then he would call back and they would talk for 15 - 20 minutes. And this was two years ago.

There's also a 45 minute phone call between the two of them on the night before our Anniversary at 1130 p.m. It's just getting ridiculous now. This is the true meaning of trickle truth I guess.

We had been planning on building a pool this winter. Honestly, I had been delaying it for the past two years until I was sure things were going to work out with my wife. Took out a $20,000 loan in August, in my name only. It's safe to say I'm not going to be staying cool next summer. I probably need to pay that off immediately. Pretty sure I'll be on the hook for that bill if we do get a divorce and she'll be left with the money. I also funded my IRA - haven't done that in about three years. I might as well spend the money while I still have it.


----------



## warlock07

Be careful on how you confront her.


----------



## alte Dame

It sounds like your W has had a 'secret life' for a long time. The clinical way to describe what goes on in her head is 'compartmentalization.' She just puts things in different boxes, handles them separately and keeps the lines between them drawn really clearly. But marriage isn't a compartment & your spouse isn't supposed to be just one actor in the various dramas you have going at the same time.

You sound like you're starting to figure out what kind of person your W really is. I hope this knowledge gives you the strength to detach from her and protect yourself.


----------



## tom67

Get the finances all in a row before confrontation. So sorry and thanks for the update. Check out this guy on cwi alertnotalarmed if you have a minute scan his thread and tell him what you are going through, he is a month away from a wedding.


----------



## sandc

So did you actually talk to her or are you just going to gather more information? I would suggest that if you haven't talked to her yet, don't. Just gather more info. Take a listen to the VAR. It may take several days for you to hear anything incriminating. Then again, you never know. 

Please keep us updated as often as possible so we can advise you. You're in the situation and it's hard for you NOT to think with your emotions. We are only words on your monitor and think more objectively and can advise accordingly.


----------



## Hope1964

sandc said:


> So did you actually talk to her or are you just going to gather more information? I would suggest that if you haven't talked to her yet, don't. Just gather more info. Take a listen to the VAR. It may take several days for you to hear anything incriminating. Then again, you never know.
> 
> Please keep us updated as often as possible so we can advise you. You're in the situation and it's hard for you NOT to think with your emotions. We are only words on your monitor and think more objectively and can advise accordingly.


:iagree:


----------



## tom67

Bolio is doing fairly well considering he just found out he's been living a lie for god only knows how many years. Go get some ic if you need it don't keep it in it will kill you!


----------



## Bolio24

sandc said:


> So did you actually talk to her or are you just going to gather more information? I would suggest that if you haven't talked to her yet, don't. Just gather more info. Take a listen to the VAR. It may take several days for you to hear anything incriminating. Then again, you never know.
> 
> Please keep us updated as often as possible so we can advise you. You're in the situation and it's hard for you NOT to think with your emotions. We are only words on your monitor and think more objectively and can advise accordingly.



No, in fact I haven't even brought it up for the past few days and neither has she of course. At this point, I'm just going to continue investigating. I'm waiting to check the VAR until after kids soccer practice this week. That's when she's been making a lot of her recent calls.

I'm about eight months in now searching thru the call logs. She continues to call the Army OM pretty regularly after work. He seems to be answering the phone less and less though. Most calls last one minute. Sometimes she calls back several times within a few minutes, and still no answer. Every other week he calls her, and they talk for 8-20 minutes. Maybe he's trying to end it? But she won't let him go. I googled him, and found out that he proposed to some woman around this time by jumping out of a plane with the U.S. Army Golden Knights!

Interestingly, it's around this same time she started conversating with _another_ male coworker. OM5? I lost count... When I work day shift, I leave for work around 4:30 - 5:00 am. About once a week, around 6:00 a.m. they talk for about 25 minutes. Does it really take 25 minutes to find out whose bringing the donuts?!?

Meanwhile, over the past eight months, our longest phone conversation was 8 minutes. I know, I should've seen this coming.


----------



## sandc

Well, you see it now and you're doing the right thing.


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> No, in fact I haven't even brought it up for the past few days and neither has she of course. At this point, I'm just going to continue investigating. I'm waiting to check the VAR until after kids soccer practice this week. That's when she's been making a lot of her recent calls.
> 
> I'm about eight months in now searching thru the call logs. She continues to call the Army OM pretty regularly after work. He seems to be answering the phone less and less though. Most calls last one minute. Sometimes she calls back several times within a few minutes, and still no answer. Every other week he calls her, and they talk for 8-20 minutes. Maybe he's trying to end it? But she won't let him go. I googled him, and found out that he proposed to some woman around this time by jumping out of a plane with the U.S. Army Golden Knights!
> 
> Interestingly, it's around this same time she started conversating with _another_ male coworker. OM5? I lost count... When I work day shift, I leave for work around 4:30 - 5:00 am. About once a week, around 6:00 a.m. they talk for about 25 minutes. Does it really take 25 minutes to find out whose bringing the donuts?!?
> 
> Meanwhile, over the past eight months, our longest phone conversation was 8 minutes. I know, I should've seen this coming.


Oh my om5 I'm speechless!


----------



## warlock07

So 5 OMs? What the hell !!


----------



## Gabriel

Once you gather enough evidence (which I'm sure you will), compile it, put it together with divorce papers, and leave it on the bed or something where she will surely see it. Then, before she comes home, pack a suitcase for yourself and spend a couple of nights in a nearby hotel, maybe one she wouldn't suspect. And go dark. 

Watch your phone blow up. And don't respond to it for at least a full day, if not two. 

Look up Shamwow's original thread. It is the thread against which all others should be compared. This is exactly what he did, and the results were spectacular for him. He had pages and pages of sexual conversations printed out.


----------



## warlock07

How are you holding up mentally Bolio ?


----------



## tom67

warlock07 said:


> How are you holding up mentally Bolio ?


I would thank the omw the one that got this ball rolling go take her out for coffee or dinner because who knows how long this would still be going on? I'm serious you owe her for exposing so later if you identify the the men and they are married you do what she did for you, EXPOSE!


----------



## TCSRedhead

Wow - that's just unbelievable. I'm so sorry. Stay strong.


----------



## Bolio24

warlock07 said:


> How are you holding up mentally Bolio ?


Mentally, I'm all over the map. This is all I think about all day long. My coworkers are wondering what the attitude is from but I haven't told anyone there yet. 

Physically, I feel like sh!t. On about 5 hours of sleep a night. Upped my smoking to about a pack a day. And I've got a pinched nerve running from my neck on down that 800 Motrins won't even help. STD test Friday - going to bring up the nerve issue.

The most important thing for me though is to protect the kids. My wife obviously has been living a double life. I don't know what she might be capable of when this all comes to light. She told me two weeks ago she had her Doctor double her dose of depression pills- something she got started on about 6 months ago. She's also taking some serious sleeping pills for nightmares and not being able to stay asleep.

I do appreciate the concern, and I know I've gotten the advice here before to take care of myself, and I'm trying.


----------



## Bolio24

tom67 said:


> Bolio is doing fairly well considering he just found out he's been living a lie for god only knows how many years. Go get some ic if you need it don't keep it in it will kill you!


ic?

Infidelity counseling, ice cream or intensive care?

might need all of the above before this is over.


----------



## Shaggy

Have a second var you can swap in the car when you pull out the current one.

If she's talking a lot be careful about it filling up or running out of batteries.


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> ic?
> 
> Infidelity counseling, ice cream or intensive care?
> 
> might need all of the above before this is over.


individual counseling


----------



## Bolio24

I just realized something completely incredible. My wife and I still have our old phones up on a shelf in the closet. Her phone from 5-7 years ago, and one from 3-5 years ago. The one from 3-5 years ago was her last flip-style phone before getting a smart phone. I remember that one specifically because that is around the time she started guarding it more closely. Unfortunately, she then lost her first smart phone in a jazz club two years ago so that one is gone forever.

Anyway, I'm going to search the house for the older style charging cord as they're both dead.


----------



## sandc

Bolio24 said:


> I just realized something completely incredible. My wife and I still have our old phones up on a shelf in the closet. Her phone from 5-7 years ago, and one from 3-5 years ago. The one from 3-5 years ago was her last flip-style phone before getting a smart phone. I remember that one specifically because that is around the time she started guarding it more closely. Unfortunately, she then lost her first smart phone in a jazz club two years ago so that one is gone forever.
> 
> Anyway, I'm going to search the house for the older style charging cord as they're both dead.


Now you're thinking. If you can't find a cord head out to Radio Shack or Best Buy and buy one.


----------



## tom67

Good now try to eat something
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

Bolio24 said:


> She told me two weeks ago she had her Doctor double her dose of depression pills- something she got started on about 6 months ago. She's also taking some serious sleeping pills for nightmares and not being able to stay asleep.


If (Big IF) they are symptoms of the stressful double life, the weight of the lies It might be actualy the only good news you wrote here so far. It means there's still a conscience there and the cheating is taking its toll. Compartimentalizing only works so far. If they are not phased at all by the cheating...

Did you have the chance to find out the gym guy OM1 at the phone bill?

Still no news about recent OM identity or her wife?


----------



## tom67

Acabado said:


> If (Big IF) they are symptoms of the stressful double life, the weight of the lies It might be actualy the only good news you wrote here so far. It means there's still a conscience there and the cheating is taking its toll. Compartimentalizing only works so far. If they are not phased at all by the cheating...
> 
> Did you have the chance to find out the gym guy OM1 at the phone bill?
> 
> Still no news about recent OM identity or her wife?


Gee maybe she can't sleep because of the guilt?


----------



## Shaggy

Don't let her catch you fooling with the old phone, you'll tip her off.

Btw what about the OMW?


----------



## warlock07

What Shaggy said. be normal. don't tip her off. you can find chargers of ebay


----------



## workindad

Find some time to take care of yourself in this mess also. Good luck
WD


----------



## walkonmars

Just go to any large hotel and tell them you lost your charger there last month. They all have tons of lost chargers they call "black sphghetti" they wont blink twice at letting you take one. I've told my work mates and they do it all the time. Me too.


----------



## alte Dame

Somebody mentioned checking out Shamwow's thread to help you with what you have to do now. This is a good idea. He is a model not just for the honor and nobility of a BS, but also for how to proceed with effectiveness & take care of yourself in the process.


----------



## Silverlining

Bolio, 

Many of us here have been in your situation. 
What you are feeling is 100% valid. Take time to mourn. Reach out to those around you for support.

I specifically remember several months of little or no sleep compiled with no appetite. If I did manage to choke down my food I'd soon have the overwhelming urge to vomit. It was a small victory to actually keep my food down. My feelings fluctuated from hysterical crying to murderous rage then back to hysterical crying. And work, I'm shocked I didn't loose my job. Twice I had to leave because I couldn't hold it together at work. 

I think what saved me was the support from friends and family. I soon realized how many people I knew and loved had been through what I was going through. 
I informed my boss of my situation and was relieved to have his full support. I also confided in my physician who helped me deal with the stress.

I can't stress enough that you need to take care of yourself. I lost 20 lbs in 2months. The lack of sleep and not eating weakened my immunity and I was sick for 3 weeks straight. 

You will survive this and be stronger for it. This I can promise you


----------



## moxy

Bolio24 said:


> Also, I brought up the STD Tests and she was not very happy to say the least. She was diagnosed with HPV very early in our marriage and she still says that it's not an STD an it is a naturally occuring phenomena in women.
> 
> So I think I will hold off for a minute on the Polygraph Question.


HPV is not a naturally occurring phenomenon in women. It is spread through sexual contact. There are now vaccines for it. It can remain dormant for a couple of years, though; so, how early in the relationship was this diagnosis? She is pulling the wool over your eyes. Please get STD tested.

She is obviously a liar. You should not ask her permission to spy on her because she will just hide her mess before letting you in. Key logger, VAR, immediate access to her phone and emails are a must. She has probably already wiped evidence, though. You need to meet w OM's W ASAP without letting your cheating wife know.


----------



## Bolio24

moxy said:


> HPV is not a naturally occurring phenomenon in women. It is spread through sexual contact. There are now vaccines for it. It can remain dormant for a couple of years, though; so, how early in the relationship was this diagnosis? She is pulling the wool over your eyes. Please get STD tested.
> 
> She is obviously a liar. You should not ask her permission to spy on her because she will just hide her mess before letting you in. Key logger, VAR, immediate access to her phone and emails are a must. She has probably already wiped evidence, though. You need to meet w OM's W ASAP without letting your cheating wife know.



The HPV was diagnosed about a year and a half after we first had relations. I remember when I made a big issue of it in the exam room the female Doctor told me to leave the room. My wife came out and said it was natural, blah f'in blah. Whatever.

I just spent about an hour and a half re-reading this thread and I _started_ the Shamwow thread, (about two pages in) which does show some similarities for sure. I mean G. Damn I took care of the house, I paid the bills, I was the primary caretaker for my children. My wife admitted to me a couple of years ago that having kids was not what she thought it would be. I help them with homework. I set boundaries for them and enforce chore resposibilities. But they're still our kids. It took us 5 years!! 5 years of trying - to finally have our first child. After infertilty tests and drugs and everything else, they're definitely my kids, for God's sake they act and look just like me. There's no doubt about it, PERIOD!


At the same time, my wife is just fine with sitting on the couch, showing them R rated movies, and having them fetch her her beers. Fast food every night, it's G. Damn ridiculous!

If things really do go South, I'm asking for full custody. She's f'in terrible when it comes to raising children! She loves them for sure, but she's incapable of preparing them for real life. Her childhood is a testament to that fact.

But I f-d up too. I neglected her and wasn't there. Life got in the way. 

She sought out previous passions - and new ones. Something was missing from our relationship. There were absolutely times when she wasn't my top priority. The earliest phone messages I've found for OM1 go back to early 2011. Even though she told me they only e-mailed one another.
Lies, deception and misconceptions! #@[email protected][email protected]%
I need to start keeping a log of all this crap.


----------



## moxy

You may have neglected her and caused marriage problems, but how will that improve if she seeks someone else to fill that void? At best, you can say that her conflict resolution skills are garbage and are destroying your marriage. "I was bored and lonely" is not a sufficient reason to break one's contract to a supposed life partner; serial cheating is immature, to say the least.

Accept blame for your share of the weakness, but recognize that her cheating is exponentially worse than your neglect, especially given your financial and domestic contributions to the household.

You're being too nice, too gullible. Hold her to task for this. Don't accept more than your share of the blame.


----------



## Gabriel

The part of Shamwow's thread you need to read is the part where he goes dark and the effects it has. 

Your W sounds like a real winner. Infidelity aside, do you really even want to be with this kind of woman?

<<<<At the same time, my wife is just fine with sitting on the couch, showing them R rated movies, and having them fetch her her beers. Fast food every night, it's G. Damn ridiculous!>>>

I mean, what kind of person is this?


----------



## Bolio24

I found the charger for both phones out in the garage. The older of the two phones won't start-up. I vaguely remember this as being an issue, and the reason why she got a new phone back in the day. 

The second phone came up fine. It only has 2 1/2 months of messages left from late 2009. OM5 is in the contact list, but no conversations between the two. The out of state - old boyfriend OM is in the contact list. There was only one phone call, made by each - between them during those two months. And a picture mail sent by him, (unviewable). There's a text message where he says 'Sorry to hear that, wish I had known, what can I do to help?' And she responds, 'It's probably kinda late for you over there, but I could of used one of those rib-busting jokes. But it was nice to know you came to my rescue.'

So obviously they've been in contact for awhile. Hell, their relationship ended 16 years ago. On the other hand, I guess if she's still running to him for comfort, it never really ended at all.


----------



## sandc

Just log it as evidence and keep going. Take a picture of the text on the phone. Start a file some place that she can't get to.

Sorry you fond that.


----------



## Bolio24

Acabado said:


> If (Big IF) they are symptoms of the stressful double life, the weight of the lies It might be actualy the only good news you wrote here so far. It means there's still a conscience there and the cheating is taking its toll. Compartimentalizing only works so far. If they are not phased at all by the cheating...
> 
> Did you have the chance to find out the gym guy OM1 at the phone bill?
> 
> Still no news about recent OM identity or her wife?



Haven't seen a trace of contact with Gym OM yet. She has told me his name before. (In fact here's another fun story: The only time I met/saw him it was late in the evening. My wife was complaining that she didn't feel good. She texts Gym OM, who is a total health freak. 5 minutes later he pulls up out in the street. She goes out to meet him and he gives her a vitamin supplement. I walk outside to see what's going on and he gets in his car and drives away). 

But no, I haven't completed going thru all the logs yet. There is a particular phone number that shows up pretty regularly but Spokeo doesn't give me a name. 

I have OM1s name. I verified that the name is correct with a internet search. I found his address and have been by there several times looking for OMW but no one has been home. I'm thinking of taking an afternoon off and posting up outside the house. He works an evening shift. Hopefully I can catch OMW when she gets back from picking up the kids at school.


----------



## tom67

Boy that rabbit hole just get's deeper. Put everything on a memory stick if you can. Good idea taking off 1 day. Stay strong and frosty brother you are doing right thing.


----------



## Hope1964

Wow. I'm sorry you keep finding this crap. But you sound strong.

I agree you should have a log or something of what you're finding. Good idea.


----------



## alte Dame

Bolio - the thing about Shamwow's thread that was so compelling was that you could see in real time how he discovered his wife's true nature and what she was hiding, what she was really thinking, what she was capable of & where her true priorities lay. He started out with some uneasiness & ended up with a conviction to leave her and start a new, healthier life.

We're seeing something very similar here in that you are peeling back the facade that your wife presents to you & finding that she has a very different and secret other self that doesn't include you. She expends a lot of time and effort both on that second self and on concealing it from you and has been really good at it. 

Another poster who uncovered a longstanding second personality and secret life is bff, also a very admirable guy. For both Shamwow and bff, the W folded up her tent as soon as she was busted.

My sense is that these women weren't being their true selves much at all with their husbands and when they were found out, they let down the facade, cut their losses and moved on. When they started to really show themselves, their husbands seemed to feel foolish for not recognizing what their wives had been hiding, but the W's were really good at the act, so I think anyone would have bought it, especially someone who was in love with them.


----------



## Acabado

Bolio24 said:


> Damn I took care of the house, I paid the bills, I was the primary caretaker for my children. My wife admitted to me a couple of years ago that having kids was not what she thought it would be. I help them with homework. I set boundaries for them and enforce chore resposibilities.
> 
> At the same time, my wife is just fine with sitting on the couch, showing them R rated movies, and having them fetch her her beers. Fast food every night, it's G. Damn ridiculous!
> 
> If things really do go South, I'm asking for full custody. She's f'in terrible when it comes to raising children! She loves them for sure, but she's incapable of preparing them for real life. Her childhood is a testament to that fact.





> But I f-d up too. I neglected her and wasn't there. Life got in the way.
> She sought out previous passions - and new ones. Something was missing from our relationship. There were absolutely times when she wasn't my top priority.


Man, man, can't you see the link here?

How in the hell can you put you wife as your main priority when you are working full time, raising the kids basicaly on your own, and taking care of the meat of the house chores? Further more why ANYONE would want to please such a housewife? Then on top of it she feels entitled to cosmetic surgeries and to be entertained with multiple OMs, carrying a double life? She's the cake eater Queen! At all levels!!!

You wife is an entitled princess. She need to grow the f0ck up. She's a less than a mediocre mother and a horrible wife.


----------



## Shaggy

Wait. She felt bad, he showed up quickly and gave her a vitamin? Are you sure it was a vitamin and not something else? Possibly oxy or something?

I mean that just sounds too odd.


----------



## warlock07

Yeah..Sounds odd that he would show up for a vitamin...You might want to check on that


----------



## cabin fever

Just my .02 I would work the angle of the OMW. Get the smoking gun before you tip your wife off you're digging for info. 

Get as much info as you can. So far what you have, she can lie her way out of. You need hard proof, that she can't dispute. 

I feel for ya bro. I dug for 6 months before I found it. It sucks. But the sooner you figure it out, the better off you will be. You are starting to see the things we said earlier, and you simply can't ignore it. It sucks, and it will get worse before it gets better. Once you come through the other side, you'll be a brand new man. I honestly feel like I could conquer anything now! some people (guys) say they lost their confidence. I GAINED even more. I am way to valuable to put up with the BS ever again. I WONT!

Just keep telling your self, you deserve better. You do.


----------



## Bolio24

warlock07 said:


> Yeah..Sounds odd that he would show up for a vitamin...You might want to check on that



Yeah, who knows. That was two years ago anyway. He got her going on this whole Herbal Life kick. She felt sh!ty, ran out of some supplement and he rushed over to hook her up. Being that he's divorced and moved to an Apt. less than a mile away from us, it was easy to do. They used to go to the firing range together. One time she comes home and says, 'He let me try his gun out!' And with all intended sarcasm I say, That's weird, did you at least clean it off for him? And she says, 'No I just shot it!' Hmm...


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> Yeah, who knows. That was two years ago anyway. He got her going on this whole Herbal Life kick. She felt sh!ty, ran out of some supplement and he rushed over to hook her up. Being that he's divorced and moved to an Apt. less than a mile away from us, it was easy to do. They used to go to the firing range together. One time she comes home and says, 'He let me try his gun out!' And with all intended sarcasm I say, That's weird, did you at least clean it off for him? And she says, 'No I just shot it!' Hmm...


 Now of course looking back ewww!


----------



## Bolio24

Speaking of smoking guns...

August 2011: My wife, a female co-worker, and Ducati Guy go out of town for training for a week. Here's the timeline.

Tuesday. PM

3:06 Call to Army OM
3:08 Call to Army OM (7 min)
4:52 Call to OM1
4:56 Call to OM1
4:59 Call to Army OM
5:22 Incoming from OM1 (16 min)
8:52 Topless photo w/ seductive pose sent to me
9:27 Call to me
9:27 Call to me
9:31 Call to Army OM
9:51 Incoming from me (12 min)
10:52 Incoming from OM1 (36 minutes)



Wednesday. PM

6:00 Naked backside photo sent to me
6:08 Call to me
6:15 Full frontal naked photo, one foot on bed, sent to me
6:56 Naked, laying on bed, legs spread photo sent to me
7:42 Call to unknown mobile number I've been tracking, possibly Gym OM
7:43 Call to unknown mobile again (12 minutes)
7:51 On hands and knees naked backside photo sent to me
8:06 Call to me
8:21 Call to Army OM
10:59 Call to OM5 (20 min)

The other two days of her trip included more phone calls to the same guys, but no more photos, (at least to me).
All of the photos were taken in her hotel room. The weird thing is that she had never before and never since, sent any sexy photos to me. 

But judging by the timeline, I'm guessing she sent those photos to multiple guys. And called each of us individually to get responses and reactions.


Sidenote: My wife brings along a bikini for the hotel pool to show off her ladies. The female co-worker, not as attractive I'm told and about ten years older is furious. She is totally upstaged and embarrassed and to this day, still talks crap about my wife and her b00bs, and even spread a rumor around work that they aren't real. HAHAHA. My wife still insists to everyone that they are.


----------



## Will_Kane

Do you still have any interest in saving your marriage?

Does your wife ever text/call any other WOMEN? Or only men?


----------



## Hope1964

So she was with one guy in person and sending sexy pics to you and probably 3 other OM's?? I wonder if Ducati guy was there with her while she was taking those pics.

6:15 Full frontal naked photo, one foot on bed, sent to me
6:56 Naked, laying on bed, legs spread photo sent to me

That's quite the amount of time to be lying naked on the bed all by yourself.


----------



## tom67

Will_Kane said:


> Do you still have any interest in saving your marriage?
> 
> Does your wife ever text/call any other WOMEN? Or only men?


I think you have enough evidence now might be a good time to expose to her family, your family before you talk to her. I forgot you are contacting that wife that was trying to get ahold of you. But personally you have proven multiple men already eh it's up to you.


----------



## Bolio24

Will_Kane said:


> Do you still have any interest in saving your marriage?
> 
> Does your wife ever text/call any other WOMEN? Or only men?


At this point I'm not sure there's anything left to save. Even if all of these relationships are EA only, it's become habitual. I don't know if I can ever go back to trusting her they way I did before. And I don't know if she can go back to having just me in her life.

Almost all of her contact is with men. She's always had a lot of male friends. Also she works with mostly men.

Although it's interesting to note that just after the trip I detailed above she became extremely close with a female coworker, possibly OW. Like everything else - it never occured to me that they were anything other than friends. But in the Fall of 2011 they became very close. The other woman is a lesbian and was having a lot of trouble with her girlfriend. They had been separated from each other, across the country due to work. My wife spent a lot of time with her. They made a couple of day trips out of town for shopping, sight seeing etc. The OW even crashed at our house for a few days. I'm just now getting to those phone logs but so far, it looks like 4-6 calls on average a day.


----------



## Gabriel

This is getting ridiculous. 

At this point, just collect what you have, leave it for her, and go dark. Prepare for a messy set of texts from her as a reaction. And prepare for your marriage to end.


----------



## Will_Kane

Bolio24 said:


> At this point I'm not sure there's anything left to save. Even if all of these relationships are EA only, it's become habitual. I don't know if I can ever go back to trusting her they way I did before. And I don't know if she can go back to having just me in her life.
> 
> Almost all of her contact is with men. She's always had a lot of male friends. Also she works with mostly men.
> 
> Although it's interesting to note that just after the trip I detailed above she became extremely close with a female coworker, possibly OW. Like everything else - it never occured to me that they were anything other than friends. But in the Fall of 2011 they became very close. The other woman is a lesbian and was having a lot of trouble with her girlfriend. They had been separated from each other, across the country due to work. My wife spent a lot of time with her. They made a couple of day trips out of town for shopping, sight seeing etc. The OW even crashed at our house for a few days. I'm just now getting to those phone logs but so far, it looks like 4-6 calls on average a day.


Your wife seems like she needs constant attention from men. Likely, she always has been this way. All her close friends always have been men. She chose a profession and job where she would be surrounded mostly by men. She calls one man after another in rapid succession, including you - *this is not normal behavior for a cheater.* Most cheaters focus in on a single guy at a time. *Getting attention from men seems like a compulsion for her.* My guess is that she really does love you, she just can't help herself. It's all about the attention, and to an EXTREME degree. It's not something I think that can be fixed just between the two of you.


----------



## tom67

Gabriel said:


> This is getting ridiculous.
> 
> At this point, just collect what you have, leave it for her, and go dark. Prepare for a messy set of texts from her as a reaction. And prepare for your marriage to end.


I just wonder why she ever wanted to marry! I know trying to figure out what they are thinking but geez my ex looks like a nun compared to yours. Remember I mean no disrespect and again none of this is your fault but it's time to expose what she has been doing to family and friends and then grab a shark attorney and move on so you can live your life with someone who you can love and trust.


----------



## tom67

Will_Kane said:


> Your wife seems like she needs constant attention from men. Likely, she always has been this way. All her close friends always have been men. She chose a profession and job where she would be surrounded mostly by men. She calls one man after another in rapid succession, including you - *this is not normal behavior for a cheater.* Most cheaters focus in on a single guy at a time. *Getting attention from men seems like a compulsion for her.* My guess is that she really does love you, she just can't help herself. It's all about the attention, and to an EXTREME degree. It's not something I think that can be fixed just between the two of you.


Maybe there was some childhood abuse because this behavior is way over the top.


----------



## Acabado

The real problem her is she' wont admit a thing.
At this very moment she's fine, she just but another bullet.


----------



## walkonmars

You do know there's a high likelihood that one of her fellow travelers took the photos while they enjoyed a good laugh....or more.

Curtain call!!!!


----------



## sandc

Hope1964 said:


> So she was with one guy in person and sending sexy pics to you and probably 3 other OM's?? I wonder if Ducati guy was there with her while she was taking those pics.
> 
> 6:15 Full frontal naked photo, one foot on bed, sent to me
> 6:56 Naked, laying on bed, legs spread photo sent to me
> 
> That's quite the amount of time to be lying naked on the bed all by yourself.


Ouch.


----------



## tom67

sandc said:


> Ouch.


Gee does he have enough evidence for cheaterville?:scratchhead: Time to make copies, store evidence, and just call the attorney


----------



## sandc

walkonmars said:


> You do know there's a high likelihood that one of her fellow travelers took the photos while they enjoyed a good laugh....or more.
> 
> Curtain call!!!!


Double ouch. Exactly what I was thinking.

Bolo, did the POV of the pictures she sent you appear as though she took them? Did it look like someone else could have taken them?


----------



## happyman64

walkonmars said:


> You do know there's a high likelihood that one of her fellow travelers took the photos while they enjoyed a good laugh....or more.
> 
> Curtain call!!!!


I was waiting for someone to mention that.

Maybe she was a gymnast in her early life.


----------



## Jellybeans

I haven't been following this thread lately.

Did she ever tell you OM's name and his wife's name?


----------



## TDSC60

If he can not see the camera or phone in her hand aimed at a mirror then photos were taken by someone else in the room.

Both of her hands visible and empty would also prove that.


----------



## LetDownNTX

Bolio24 said:


> She gave me the guys first name and a partial last name as she doesn't know how to spell it. She doesn't know the wife's name, only that she is crazy and has a temper. At least that's what OM told my wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im a little late but once I read the original post I had to read them all. You cant believe anything that she tells you about the OMW...he is going to lie about her to make her sound awful so it justifies his actions with YOUR wife.

For the record, I was told by the OWH that I was "psycho".....I'll show you psycho!!


----------



## Gabriel

sandc said:


> Double ouch. Exactly what I was thinking.
> 
> Bolo, did the POV of the pictures she sent you appear as though she took them? Did it look like someone else could have taken them?


I was wondering the same thing. And this, coupled with the thrown in lesbian possibility, has made my spidey senses start to tingle again....


----------



## LetDownNTX

Bolio24 said:


> Dammit!! I can't find anything useful on Spokeo, and nothing yet on Facebook. Although, there are thousands of possibilities on Facebook, his name could be spelled multiple different ways. Trying to find an employee listing on-line for him now.
> 
> 
> Hell, I had to sign-up for Facebook just to get on and look around. And I can't even find my wife. I know she has an account too. I put her name in the search bar and nothing. Is it possible for a user to block searches of their name??


Have you tried searching his name at PrivateEye.com | People Search & People Finder Search Engine
It will tell you possible names he goes by and others who live at the same address. You can pay to get more info but I have never paid so I dont know what all you could get.


----------



## Bolio24

sandc said:


> Double ouch. Exactly what I was thinking.
> 
> Bolo, did the POV of the pictures she sent you appear as though she took them? Did it look like someone else could have taken them?


I've analyzed the pics and each one is taken from the exact same vantage point. They were taken with her cell phone. Probably propped up against something on a dresser next to the hotel bed. Viewpoint is from about dresser height. Her phones camera has a 10 second timer. There's no way someone else handheld the camera phone in the exact position every time. Wish I could show them to you all - although its possible some of you guys have already seen them, the way things are going...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964

So what was she doing all that time, naked, on the bed??


----------



## LetDownNTX

Hope1964 said:


> So what was she doing all that time, naked, on the bed??


Probably taking a million pics of herself to send to all her men and decided to be nice and include BH in case he saw them on the phone or something?!


----------



## Bolio24

Hope1964 said:


> So what was she doing all that time, naked, on the bed??


Fiddling??

She got some new toys recently.

Besides, Ducate guy is the only guy I've met. We've done family things together. I like him and don't suspect him. I mean yes, its possible but I don't think so. His phone number has not even shown up yet in the records. Although I still have 11 more months to check.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

11 more months you are going to be 1 busy beaver!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Bolio24 said:


> 'He let me try his gun out!' And with all intended sarcasm I say, That's weird, did you at least clean it off for him? And she says, 'No I just shot it!' Hmm...


I said it once and I'll say it again, your wife is a smart @ss and has little respect for you!


----------



## warlock07

Bolio, as bad as this sounds, let us stick to the facts..the imagination over drive will not help anyone....especially you..


----------



## warlock07

> 'He let me try his gun out!' And with all intended sarcasm I say, That's weird, did you at least clean it off for him? And she says, 'No I just shot it!' Hmm...


Come on!! is there a good answer after Bolio's sarcasm ?


----------



## the guy

Bolio24 said:


> Besides, Ducate guy is the only guy I've met. We've done family things together. I like him and don't suspect him. I mean yes, its possible but I don't think so. His phone number has not even shown up yet in the records. Although I still have 11 more months to check.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its been my experience, that its always the one you least suspect.

Back in the day when I was going thru this crap I remember talking with my wife and all the OM's she was with and when the conversation went to "any of my friends" she told me one.

out of all the good looking guys I mentioned, she gave me the name that was closest to me and the shortest, fatest, greasest guy of them all.....go figure!


----------



## Hope1964

Bolio24 said:


> Fiddling??
> 
> She got some new toys recently.
> 
> Besides, Ducate guy is the only guy I've met. We've done family things together. I like him and don't suspect him. I mean yes, its possible but I don't think so. His phone number has not even shown up yet in the records. Although I still have 11 more months to check.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad you are not COMPLETELY closing that door anyway. I think I heard somewhere that guys have often met the guy their wife cheated with.

40 minutes is a long time to spend 'fiddling'. Especially with 'new toys'. When I 'fiddle' I can usually make happen what I want to happen in 5 minutes or less. Any longer and it's just frustrating.

Although my husband seems to think that most women use candles and stuff and make a huge production out of it. Maybe I'm weird. Or maybe he gets that from porn or something.


----------



## TDSC60

warlock07 said:


> Come on!! is there a good answer after Bolio's sarcasm ?


How about:

"And what did you hit when it went off?"


----------



## warlock07

TDSC60 said:


> How about:
> 
> "And what did you hit when it went off?"


:scratchhead:


----------



## Bolio24

Jellybeans said:


> I haven't been following this thread lately.
> 
> Did she ever tell you OM's name and his wife's name?


She told me OM's name, and today I got his age out of her. That matches up with the research I've done online. He lives near her place of work. I've been by the house three times, and no luck yet. She doesn't know OMW name - she just wants to focus on us anyway she said. Now she wants to focus on us. 

I found a possible phone number for OMW associated with her maiden name. Could be a landline at parents old house or something.


----------



## Bolio24

So I finally had a few words with her today. We haven't really spoken for 4 days as we're on different shifts and I have only been responding to her texts which reference the kids. I told her I wanted OM phone number to which she said she hasn't had it in awhile, it wasn't like that... Well, ya cause you deleted it, along with every other piece of imcriminating evidence!!

Then I asked for his shift schedule - maybe I'd just stop by. She said 'This is between me and you, no one else. It was my mistake, you'll get me fired.'

She did give me his age but said 'Nothing happened, we didn't do anything. I love you. Your my best friend... You're the only man in my life, Are we gonna fix this, etc etc. Honestly, I do think she really loves me. Maybe she needs more than me, maybe she's narcissistic, maybe she's lonely, but she does love me.

And then thank God, I realized she was texting me out of the side of her mouth again. The pain and sadness of the past two weeks came rushing back and disgusted me all over again. I sent her a pretty nasty text - About how she ruined everything and was completely to blame. She was dishonest and disloyal. And she says to me, 'You Never Trusted me!' 

Sh!t!!!! Really?

Meanwhile, I'm just going to keep collecting evidence. Comparing the truth to her lies = apples to oranges. I'm getting closer to OMW. Going to check the VAR this weekend, although ironically she hasn't used her phone since Oct 28 for calling?? Is that really even possible? Maybe the burner phone theory is correct. Or one of the OMs' tipped her off about BS tactics?

So then I get home from work; sit down to write this...... and on my desk is an itinerary. She's going out of town for a week and a half in December. Training. Don't know with who yet. Unreal.


----------



## happyman64

> So then I get home from work; sit down to write this...... and on my desk is an itinerary. She's going out of town for a week and a half in December. Training. Don't know with who yet. Unreal.


Bolio

She is not only talking out of the side of her mouth but she "speaks with forked tongue".

You really need to find the POSOM's wife and have a conversation with her.

And I really think she has another phone.

What does your wife do that involves training?

Has this happened before? That seems like an awful long time to be away......

HM64


----------



## tom67

She is right she might get fired but that's on her not you. A week and ahalf does seem to be long for "training". Tell her you got some time ooff and got someone to watch the kids and you are going with. See the look on her face!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Yea var check must be a burner phone. If you are pretty sure of omw address just go here and ask for mrs. [email protected] when they are at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScubaSteve61

Bolio24 said:


> Fiddling??
> 
> She got some new toys recently.
> 
> Besides, Ducate guy is the only guy I've met. We've done family things together. I like him and don't suspect him. I mean yes, its possible but I don't think so. His phone number has not even shown up yet in the records. Although I still have 11 more months to check.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Speaking as a Ducati rider myself... Any time I've ever had a female on the back of my bike, its been for one of two reasons...

1) I was dating her
2) I wanted to date her

99% of guys aren't going to take a woman for a ride on the back of their bike unless they like the feel of the woman against their back, and want to feel them against their front.


----------



## tom67

ScubaSteve61 said:


> Speaking as a Ducati rider myself... Any time I've ever had a female on the back of my bike, its been for one of two reasons...
> 
> 1) I was dating her
> 2) I wanted to date her
> 
> 99% of guys aren't going to take a woman for a ride on the back of their bike unless they like the feel of the woman against their back, and want to feel them against their front.


now you are giving me a bobby petrino/jessica dorrell flashback!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

Bolio24 said:


> About how she ruined everything and was completely to blame. She was dishonest and disloyal. And she says to me, 'You Never Trusted me!'
> 
> Sh!t!!!! Really?
> 
> 
> So then I get home from work; sit down to write this...... and on my desk is an itinerary. She's going out of town for a week and a half in December. Training. Don't know with who yet. Unreal.


First part...holy sh-t!! She must've just read the chapter on blameshifting straight outta the book!

Second part...I used to do corporate training for the Covey Institute (7 Habits of Highly Effective People). The longest course was 3 days. Besides that, whenever I would have to go train a new hire in an office - that maybe..._maybe_ took 3 days.

When I got into flying the typical initial training for a jet...a JET, was 2 weeks. Recurrent training was completed in 5 days. We're talking about JET AIRCRAFT flying people at 40,000 feet. And it took 2 weeks.

What does _she_ do?!!


----------



## SomedayDig

ScubaSteve61 said:


> Speaking as a Ducati rider myself... Any time I've ever had a female on the back of my bike, its been for one of two reasons...
> 
> 1) I was dating her
> 2) I wanted to date her
> 
> 99% of guys aren't going to take a woman for a ride on the back of their bike unless they like the feel of the woman against their back, and want to feel them against their front.


I ride Harleys.

Same deal. Period.


----------



## strugglinghusband

SomedayDig said:


> I ride Harleys.
> 
> Same deal. Period.


Ditto...


----------



## ScubaSteve61

strugglinghusband said:


> Ditto...


See bff's thread, Bolio. Yeah, you know and like the Ducati guy... But bff's best friend was messing with his wife for 75% of their marriage. 

Keep an eye on that. He is NOT to be trusted.


----------



## tom67

ScubaSteve61 said:


> See bff's thread, Bolio. Yeah, you know and like the Ducati guy... But bff's best friend was messing with his wife for 75% of their marriage.
> 
> Keep an eye on that. He is NOT to be trusted.


So this guy is married?


----------



## LetDownNTX

happyman64 said:


> Bolio
> 
> 
> 
> You really need to find the POSOM's wife and have a conversation with her.
> 
> 
> HM64


This is so frustrating. I wouldnt have left that house until I talked to her. She probably has a world of knowledge to share with you about your WW and her H. Take a day off, stake out her house. Heck where do you live....I wanna go stake it out!! UGH


----------



## tom67

I don't know with what you already have, and her gaslighting you, how much more do you need? If you do decide to file, have her served at work and shame the hell out of her after all the disrespect she has shown you. I would when she is supposedly "training" plan an exit strategy then. like someday said 3 to 5 days at the most. I wish nothing but the best for you and the kids.


----------



## TDSC60

Back in the day when I was a Safety Inspector on certain types of equipment/systems, the initial training class was 3 weeks.

But all refreshers, conferences, additional training - nothing was longer than 1 week and that includes two days for travel there and back.

One and a half weeks is strange. But I guess, depending on the industry involved, it could be explained.

Has this type of training ever happened before? 

It had to be planned in advance. Why are you just now being told?


----------



## Shaggy

A week an half training is odd, especially in Dec. That's usually when places are quiet - if you're in an office/plant and busy if you're in service/sales/retail.

So i smell a rat. Even if she was being trained for 2-3 days, it is very possible to tack on a nice extended trip to play around.

He refusing to include the OM is telling. She doesn't want any blow back hitting him, and she doesn't want to drive a wedge between him and her.

Next time she gives you the "Nothing happened" , jump on that one and request a polygraph and do it everything time. If she agrees schedule it for the next day.


----------



## Shaggy

I think given that it's at a time of family, that you should be going too, to keep the family together.


----------



## iheartlife

Bolio24 said:


> All of the photos were taken in her hotel room. The weird thing is that she had never before and never since, sent any sexy photos to me.


 It's nice that she decided to add you to her apparently long list of people who get to see her naked. At least, temporarily.



> But judging by the timeline, I'm guessing she sent those photos to multiple guys. And called each of us individually to get responses and reactions.


I agree completely.




Bolio24 said:


> At this point I'm not sure there's anything left to save. Even if all of these relationships are EA only, it's become habitual. I don't know if I can ever go back to trusting her they way I did before. And I don't know if she can go back to having just me in her life.


 Again, I agree entirely. Very strong compulsion, no different from gambling or shopping. This is her crutch that gets her through the day. Whenever she's bored, or lonely, stressed, or anxious, her smartphone is her best friend.



> it's interesting to note that just after the trip I detailed above she became extremely close with a female coworker, possibly OW. Like everything else - it never occured to me that they were anything other than friends. But in the Fall of 2011 they became very close. The other woman is a lesbian and was having a lot of trouble with her girlfriend. They had been separated from each other, across the country due to work. My wife spent a lot of time with her. They made a couple of day trips out of town for shopping, sight seeing etc. The OW even crashed at our house for a few days. I'm just now getting to those phone logs but so far, it looks like 4-6 calls on average a day.


It would not surprise me in the least if she, at a very minimum, spent some time teasing and flirting with this poor coworker. Your wife thoroughly enjoys sexual attention--she is not about to be particularly choosy as to where it comes from. I imagine she found the whole thing a riot, whether it was anything more than a great big tease, or not.




Will_Kane said:


> Your wife seems like she needs constant attention from men. Likely, she always has been this way. All her close friends always have been men. She chose a profession and job where she would be surrounded mostly by men. She calls one man after another in rapid succession, including you - *this is not normal behavior for a cheater.* Most cheaters focus in on a single guy at a time. *Getting attention from men seems like a compulsion for her.* My guess is that she really does love you, she just can't help herself. It's all about the attention, and to an EXTREME degree. It's not something I think that can be fixed just between the two of you.


Agree, agree, agree. This is not something YOU can fix in any way, shape, or form, except to find an excellent, trustworthy counselor who is marriage-friendly--for HER.



Bolio24 said:


> She did give me his age but said 'Nothing happened, we didn't do anything. I love you. Your my best friend... You're the only man in my life, *Are we gonna fix this, etc etc.* Honestly, I do think she really loves me. Maybe she needs more than me, maybe she's narcissistic, maybe she's lonely, but she does love me.


We????? there is no "we" to this fixing. She has a long way to go before the two of you can address any issues that may exist between you. It's truly no different from an alcoholic going to marriage counseling, thinking they can "fix" the marriage and go right on drinking.



Here is the thing--this habit of hers has become a huge part of her life--she spends an inordinate amount of time doing this stuff. Just imagine if that rug got yanked out from under YOU. You'd be kicking and screaming and crying like a baby.

Unfortunately, addicts nearly ALWAYS have to hit rock bottom before they realize that they are living a sham of a life. That what they had and thought was "fun" was false, empty, and ridiculous. No way to live.

Losing one's job as a consequence of one's immature behavior, that is an example of hitting rock bottom. I'm not saying you should get her fired. But she is in dire need of a true wakeup call. Her recent communications to you suggests to me that she thinks there's a difference between virtual and physical betrayals. She does not get it. At all.



My very last thoughts: this type of sexting addiction is a subset of porn / Internet / point and click addiction, and the treatment would be EXACTLY THE SAME. Validation-seeking behavior. I would find local porn / Internet counselors--that is who she needs. But she has to want to change. Do you see any evidence of that.


----------



## tom67

iheartlife said:


> It's nice that she decided to add you to her apparently long list of people who get to see her naked. At least, temporarily.
> 
> I agree completely.
> 
> 
> Again, I agree entirely. Very strong compulsion, no different from gambling or shopping. This is her crutch that gets her through the day. Whenever she's bored, or lonely, stressed, or anxious, her smartphone is her best friend.
> 
> It would not surprise me in the least if she, at a very minimum, spent some time teasing and flirting with this poor coworker. Your wife thoroughly enjoys sexual attention--she is not about to be particularly choosy as to where it comes from. I imagine she found the whole thing a riot, whether it was anything more than a great big tease, or not.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Agree, agree, agree. This is not something YOU can fix in any way, shape, or form, except to find an excellent, trustworthy counselor who is marriage-friendly--for HER.
> 
> We????? there is no "we" to this fixing. She has a long way to go before the two of you can address any issues that may exist between you. It's truly no different from an alcoholic going to marriage counseling, thinking they can "fix" the marriage and go right on drinking.
> 
> 
> 
> Here is the thing--this habit of hers has become a huge part of her life--she spends an inordinate amount of time doing this stuff. Just imagine if that rug got yanked out from under YOU. You'd be kicking and screaming and crying like a baby.
> 
> Unfortunately, addicts nearly ALWAYS have to hit rock bottom before they realize that they are living a sham of a life. That what they had and thought was "fun" was false, empty, and ridiculous. No way to live.
> 
> Losing one's job as a consequence of one's immature behavior, that is an example of hitting rock bottom. I'm not saying you should get her fired. But she is in dire need of a true wakeup call. Her recent communications to you suggests to me that she thinks there's a difference between virtual and physical betrayals. She does not get it. At all.
> 
> 
> 
> My very last thoughts: this type of sexting addiction is a subset of porn / Internet / point and click addiction, and the treatment would be EXACTLY THE SAME. Validation-seeking behavior. I would find local porn / Internet counselors--that is who she needs. But she has to want to change. Do you see any evidence of that.


If you are thinking last ditch effort, you could have an intervention like any other addiction but she has to want to change just grasping at straws here.


----------



## Hope1964

My husband is a sex addict, mainly the online stuff, and there's nothing you can do with someone like that until they hit rock bottom. The counselors that specialize in it are called CSAT's - Certified Sex Addiction Therapists. The link in my sig leads to a site where you can fine one. There are also several 12 step programs for sex addicts.

I don't think any of that's going to help here though.


----------



## Bolio24

happyman64 said:


> Bolio
> 
> She is not only talking out of the side of her mouth but she "speaks with forked tongue".
> 
> You really need to find the POSOM's wife and have a conversation with her.
> 
> And I really think she has another phone.
> 
> What does your wife do that involves training?
> 
> Has this happened before? That seems like an awful long time to be away......
> 
> HM64


She works for the Government so there's always training, OSHA, or Confined Spaces or something else. She's not always selected. This will be her third time I think out of town for training. I guess there's one class one week, and then a different class the following Mon-Wed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cpacan

I admit it, I am embarrassed... I have lost track of this thread

Could someone do a quick summary on which hard evidence has been discovered (leaving out speculations)?


----------



## Bolio24

SomedayDig said:


> First part...holy sh-t!! She must've just read the chapter on blameshifting straight outta the book!
> 
> Second part...I used to do corporate training for the Covey Institute (7 Habits of Highly Effective People). The longest course was 3 days. Besides that, whenever I would have to go train a new hire in an office - that maybe..._maybe_ took 3 days.
> 
> When I got into flying the typical initial training for a jet...a JET, was 2 weeks. Recurrent training was completed in 5 days. We're talking about JET AIRCRAFT flying people at 40,000 feet. And it took 2 weeks.
> 
> What does _she_ do?!!


Works for the DOJ
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane

cpacan said:


> I admit it, I am embarrassed... I have lost track of this thread
> 
> Could someone do a quick summary on which hard evidence has been discovered (leaving out speculations)?


His wife came home from work halfway through the work day to confess to an inappropriate relationship because other man's wife was about to out her. His wife refuses to give any other details, including what was said, and denies anything physical. He has found out that she has had numerous communications with as many as five other men dating back years, but he has not brought this evidence to his wife yet, and he doesn't know what was said. His wife carries a gun and works in some top secret government place with mostly men. He's trying to find out what she's really up to and having zero luck.


----------



## Bolio24

tom67 said:


> So this guy is married?


Ducati OM is married to a very nice Japanese girl. He was in the Navy, stationed in Japan, and met her there. She speaks little English but makes great sushi.

He is the only OM who works in the same office as her and they spend most of the day together. My wife says all of the women at work are trying to get with him. But honestly, he has not really been on my radar. Everyone other man I've been highly suspicious of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Bolio24 said:


> She works for the Government so there's always training, OSHA, or Confined Spaces or something else. She's not always selected. This will be her third time I think out of town for training. I guess there's one class one week, and then a different class the following Mon-Wed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would ask her to prove that she has training on this date. I lost track of this thread myself. Bolio, I may be in the minority on this, but I would only go through all of the trouble you are going through with the VARs, keyloggers, etc. if your intent is to reconcile with your wife. If you are leaning towards divorce, then I think you definitely have all you need and you should call it a day and get the divorce rolling.

Even if you elect to go the R route and need to also know all the details about she had done, I don't know if I could still go into the clandestine ops mode to gather intel. I'd take on the role of the chief interrogator and I'd make her go over her stories over, and over, and over, and over and over...you get the point. I'd do this nonstop with zero discussion about anything else - except the kids needs and care - before any other possible discussions about R would even begin. What I'm talking about is having no other conversations with her period except for fleshing out all of the details. Even if she said "Hi honey" first thing in the morning, I'd start the interrogation. I'd hammer at it non-stop until I was fully satisfied. Frankly, I'd break her. 

If she truly loved and cared for you, she'd endure it until you were satisfied. If she refuses, then you know your answer and you know that you have no future. JMHO and bear in mind that I'm not in your situation. However, as a married couple, my wife and I have a wonderful relationship. We communicate very well without holding back what our thoughts and feelings are. We are respectful of each other (I've never called her any names in the heat of an argument nor has she done that to me) when we do have disagreement. Probably the best thing that we have is that neither of us takes any sh!t from the other, which helps us to maintain honesty and candor within our relationship. Keep in mind that the myth of privacy in a marriage is just a myth. One of the classic conditions during R is that the WS must be 100% transparent. But in reality, in any good marriage this is already a component. So if your wife crows about "losing her privacy", tell her to blow it out of her ass. Real marriages involve sharing - that's why in our traditions, 2 come together to form one flesh. So even in the bible, the notion of privacy in a marriage is bullsh!t.


----------



## strugglinghusband

Bolio24 said:


> Ducati OM is married to a very nice Japanese girl. He was in the Navy, stationed in Japan, and met her there. She speaks little English but makes great sushi.
> 
> He is the only OM who works in the same office as her and they spend most of the day together. My wife says all of the women at work are trying to get with him. But honestly, he has not really been on my radar. Everyone other man I've been highly suspicious of.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does your gut tell you about this guy? deep down what does it say?...


----------



## Bolio24

TDSC60 said:


> Back in the day when I was a Safety Inspector on certain types of equipment/systems, the initial training class was 3 weeks.
> 
> But all refreshers, conferences, additional training - nothing was longer than 1 week and that includes two days for travel there and back.
> 
> She showed me the actual Government orders and flight plan. So its definetly legit.
> 
> One and a half weeks is strange. But I guess, depending on the industry involved, it could be explained.
> 
> Has this type of training ever happened before?
> 
> It had to be planned in advance. Why are you just now being told?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

She should be able to find this guys name in a minute even if there is chance that she did not know his name

Just her office outlook address book should give her his name. She just keeps lying


----------



## warlock07

And did she even show you the texts ?


----------



## Gabriel

warlock07 said:


> She should be able to find this guys name in a minute even if there is chance that she did not know his name
> 
> Just her office outlook address book should give her his name. She just keeps lying


Just another example of trickle truth. Too bad Lord Mayhem isn't around with his tip of the iceberg picture.


----------



## Almostrecovered

this is sad


----------



## tom67

warlock07 said:


> She should be able to find this guys name in a minute even if there is chance that she did not know his name
> 
> Just her office outlook address book should give her his name. She just keeps lying


I would just say give me the guy's name or I'm going back to my attorney on monday morning or just say ok then you are going to get a polygraph test next week. I know she's the mother of your children(maybe) the level of disregard and lying is through the roof man. Stay cold and frosty!


----------



## iheartlife

warlock07 said:


> She should be able to find this guys name in a minute even if there is chance that she did not know his name
> 
> Just her office outlook address book should give her his name. She just keeps lying


Yes, for someone in her line of work, such a statement is beyond laughable.


----------



## Bolio24

Again, I agree entirely. Very strong compulsion, no different from gambling or shopping. This is her crutch that gets her through the day. Whenever she's bored, or lonely, stressed, or anxious, her smartphone is her best friend. [/QUOTE]



Yes she is totally addicted to her phone, even sleeps with it by her side. And speaking of that... She's taken the password off. (Of course claiming there never was one). She showed me the other day and I only briefly looked thru the contact list and messaging area. Nothing but nice family oriented messages. But she's also a Words with Friends Freak. She has told me before that she plays with Gym OM. I wonder if she remembered to delete those in-game texts? I am going to take another look. She agreed once before to allow me to install GPS. I want to get that on there before her training trip.





My very last thoughts: this type of sexting addiction is a subset of porn / Internet / point and click addiction, and the treatment would be EXACTLY THE SAME. Validation-seeking behavior. I would find local porn / Internet counselors--that is who she needs. But she has to want to change. Do you see any evidence of that.[/QUOTE]


I think she's keeping everythin on the DL at the moment. Her phone usage has been practically nonexistent. I really haven't spent any time with her this week. But the kids told me this morning she was really sick last night and had a fever.


----------



## Acabado

I completely agree with iheartlife.

I believe with that level of deceit, manioulation and pathologial lying the only way is giving her two options; divorce papers in one hand and the list of demands in the other, which MUST include full disclosure to back up with a polygraph (scheduled inmediately after the response).
So protect yourself preventively and when you are ready give her, calmly, the two options. Tell you the kind of life you believe she has been carrying since at least two years and you can't stay in the marriage anymore by being in the dark so she must choose. She must decide in that moment and start implementing your demands with no delay.
A summary of the OMs doesn't need more than 30 minutes. The NC letter can be writting imediately. Passwords and alike delivery doesn't take time. STD, IC (CSAT¿) appointments are the next. Then she can get a calendar and start writting.

Sorry man, I see very little hope. The chances she accept the rules are slim. Think hard what kind of life and marriage you are in. You will go nuts with the status quo now you are awake. 
The "You never trusted me" speech sounds desperation. She feels she's being cornered. And the party is ending.


----------



## Bolio24

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I would ask her to prove that she has training on this date. I lost track of this thread myself. Bolio, I may be in the minority on this, but I would only go through all of the trouble you are going through with the VARs, keyloggers, etc. if your intent is to reconcile with your wife. If you are leaning towards divorce, then I think you definitely have all you need and you should call it a day and get the divorce rolling.
> 
> Even if you elect to go the R route and need to also know all the details about she had done, I don't know if I could still go into the clandestine ops mode to gather intel. I'd take on the role of the chief interrogator and I'd make her go over her stories over, and over, and over, and over and over...you get the point. I'd do this nonstop with zero discussion about anything else - except the kids needs and care - before any other possible discussions about R would even begin. What I'm talking about is having no other conversations with her period except for fleshing out all of the details. Even if she said "Hi honey" first thing in the morning, I'd start the interrogation. I'd hammer at it non-stop until I was fully satisfied. Frankly, I'd break her.
> 
> If she truly loved and cared for you, she'd endure it until you were satisfied. If she refuses, then you know your answer and you know that you have no future. JMHO and bear in mind that I'm not in your situation. However, as a married couple, my wife and I have a wonderful relationship. We communicate very well without holding back what our thoughts and feelings are. We are respectful of each other (I've never called her any names in the heat of an argument nor has she done that to me) when we do have disagreement. Probably the best thing that we have is that neither of us takes any sh!t from the other, which helps us to maintain honesty and candor within our relationship. Keep in mind that the myth of privacy in a marriage is just a myth. One of the classic conditions during R is that the WS must be 100% transparent. But in reality, in any good marriage this is already a component. So if your wife crows about "losing her privacy", tell her to blow it out of her ass. Real marriages involve sharing - that's why in our traditions, 2 come together to form one flesh. So even in the bible, the notion of privacy in a marriage is bullsh!t.



Thank you for the comments. That's pretty much where I'm at right now. I won't even respond to any texts that don't pertain to the family or kids. I'm secretly gathering as much past evidence as possible to find out what she's really been up to. When it comes time to take a polygraph test she had better not dispute the facts or that's it. Along with that, if there's any PA at all I'm done. I'm presently keeping my eye on her with VAR/Keylogger and soon to be GPS. Just to make sure she's sticking to her "trying to fix us" story.

As far as D - I just can't file yet until...

a. I find out just how deeply involved some of these affairs go 

b. Until I finish straightening up some financial issues. I'm not going to be left with half. Right now I'm working on taking back some of the 12 Gs' we put down for her surgeries.


----------



## Bolio24

strugglinghusband said:


> What does your gut tell you about this guy? deep down what does it say?...


The only concern I have is this...

When I first heard of Gym OM she told me quite a bit about him. He's divorced, has an older daughter, is a workout freak, etc. Then it just stopped. She never talks about him anymore. They don't go to the Gym anymore. She never brings his name up. Whenever I bring him up, she just says, 'O not this again.' So she obviously took whatever relationship they have together underground.

Same thing with Ducati OM. Our families spent some time together last year. Took a road tip to the Mountains. At work, he's lazy and doesn't do anything. He's always in her office just hanging out while she's trying to work. They love to talk about movies at work, etc. And now - nothing. Same scenario.


----------



## Bolio24

warlock07 said:


> And did she even show you the texts ?


Everything has been deleted. In fact I'm going to call Sprint right now and see if they're recoverable.


----------



## strugglinghusband

Bolio24 said:


> The only concern I have is this...
> 
> When I first heard of Gym OM she told me quite a bit about him. He's divorced, has an older daughter, is a workout freak, etc. Then it just stopped. She never talks about him anymore. They don't go to the Gym anymore. She never brings his name up. Whenever I bring him up, she just says, 'O not this again.' So she obviously took whatever relationship they have together underground.
> 
> Same thing with Ducati OM. Our families spent some time together last year. Took a road tip to the Mountains. At work, he's lazy and doesn't do anything. He's always in her office just hanging out while she's trying to work. They love to talk about movies at work, etc. And now - nothing. Same scenario.


Same deal here my friend, my wife talked about her E/A partner (friend...PUKE!!!), then my gut started telling me something, she saw it and bam, stopped bringing him up...only for me to find it all out later...

Good luck stay strong.


----------



## LetDownNTX

Bolio24 said:


> Everything has been deleted. In fact I'm going to call Sprint right now and see if they're recoverable.


Just had a friend who has Sprint wanting to get the texts of his WW, who was having an EA. Sprint told him that the actual texts have to be court ordered, which means you have to hire a lawyer to get them.

They also told him that as of May 1st I think you can not access the numbers the texts were sent to, other then the # of texts for that phone unless you sign a paper and have it notarized and it takes about 2-3 weeks to receive them!?

Hope its different in your state....but it could be a company wide thing.


----------



## tom67

Cool get finances in order that's important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bolio24

WOW!!!!

I just got off the phone with Sprint. It couldn't have gone any better. I had to put in a special request order. All of the text message information for both phones are accessible for the past 90 days. The last day of my billing cycle was Oct 18th - the day before D-Day! She just told me she hasn't had OM phone number in a long time. We will see if they had contact with one another and who the hell else she's been texting. She sends me approx 150 texts per month I'm guessing. A couple of thousand go out to the Others. 

I believe the logs will only show times, dates, and the two senders information. So no content. But still..



I still haven't finished researching call logs. I wonder how long it will take me to filter thru 12,000 text messages.


----------



## TCSRedhead

Bolio24 said:


> WOW!!!!
> 
> I just got off the phone with Sprint. It couldn't have gone any better. I had to put in a special request order. All of the text message information for both phones are accessible for the past 90 days. The last day of my billing cycle was Oct 18th - the day before D-Day! She just told me she hasn't had OM phone number in a long time. We will see if they had contact with one another and who the hell else she's been texting. She sends me approx 150 texts per month I'm guessing. A couple of thousand go out to the Others.
> 
> I believe the logs will only show times, dates, and the two senders information. So no content. But still..
> 
> 
> 
> I still haven't finished researching call logs. I wonder how long it will take me to filter thru 12,000 text messages.


Well, that is good news. Can they provide it in soft copy electronically or only via hard copy (paper). If in soft copy, you could import into Excel and sort...


----------



## Hope1964

That's cool. I couldn't do that in Canada - they told me I would have to get a court order to access my own freaking phone bill


----------



## tom67

TCSRedhead said:


> Well, that is good news. Can they provide it in soft copy electronically or only via hard copy (paper). If in soft copy, you could import into Excel and sort...


Sounds good the sh!t is going to hit the fan. Don't forget put what you can in a file then transfer to a memory stick.Whatever is hard copy MAKE COPIES and keep offsite. Don't be ashamed to let your supervisor and a close coworker know what you are going through because they will see a difference in you! That way if you need time off or you seem to be alittle off they will understand.


----------



## the guy

If you can get this info electronicly, you can put into a excel file and coilate the numbers and delete the group of numbers you know are legit. Seperating the cell numbers from WW real life from her fantasy life. Coilating the numbers by group also shows who was her main guy versus her rotation guy.

I was able to really get time lines and even a real understanding to what was going on with my wife.

There was so much I could do with the text/call logs when it was in excel. I was even able to pin point when fWW was with OM1, OM2, or OM3 by coilating the dates, times, and cell number versus certain cell # that was not active at any given night.

I could coilate the dates and I could see what cell number was new and fresh and the cell number that was old news and out the door.


In the end this was only a snap shot of a handl full of OM in that year. She had been screwing around way before text was even around.


----------



## iheartlife

Bolio24 said:


> WOW!!!!
> 
> I just got off the phone with Sprint. It couldn't have gone any better. I had to put in a special request order. All of the text message information for both phones are accessible for the past 90 days. The last day of my billing cycle was Oct 18th - the day before D-Day! She just told me she hasn't had OM phone number in a long time. We will see if they had contact with one another and who the hell else she's been texting. She sends me approx 150 texts per month I'm guessing. A couple of thousand go out to the Others.
> 
> I believe the logs will only show times, dates, and the two senders information. So no content. But still..
> 
> 
> 
> I still haven't finished researching call logs. I wonder how long it will take me to filter thru 12,000 text messages.


No, you won't get the actual texts themselves, but this is all you need.

For anyone reading this, Verizon makes this information available online for the most recent billing cycle, up to 30 days, then it erases it from online view when the cycle starts over.

12,000 texts. I always like to do the math. Assuming 15 seconds per text, that's about *52 HOURS OF TEXTING.* of which approximately 37 minutes are spent texting you.

When you see numbers like these, CHEATING IS THE LEAST OF IT. She is an addict. No doubt about it.


----------



## Silverlining

Bolio, 

Before you listen to the VAR's....

Prepare to hear the worst imaginable things possible!!

Some here have listened to (and seen) their wives having mind blowing sex with OM. This will forever scramble your brain. You will never be able to undo this trauma. 

Please listen to VAR far away from your wife. Have a friend on speed dial in case you loose your mind. 

I hope you find the truth but I pray it doesn't destroy you in the process.

Take care,


----------



## Bolio24

the guy said:


> If you can get this info electronicly, you can put into a excel file and coilate the numbers and delete the group of numbers you know are legit. Seperating the cell numbers from WW real life from her fantasy life. Coilating the numbers by group also shows who was her main guy versus her rotation guy.
> 
> I was able to really get time lines and even a real understanding to what was going on with my wife.
> 
> There was so much I could do with the text/call logs when it was in excel. I was even able to pin point when fWW was with OM1, OM2, or OM3 by coilating the dates, times, and cell number versus certain cell # that was not active at any given night.
> 
> I could coilate the dates and I could see what cell number was new and fresh and the cell number that was old news and out the door.
> 
> 
> In the end this was only a snap shot of a handl full of OM in that year. She had been screwing around way before text was even around.


That sounds like it would of been really convenient. I asked and the guy said its coming hard copy thru the mail. I just hope to God the Mail Man comes that day before I leave to work. She's going to be suspicious when a package size envelope from the phone company shows up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bolio24

Silverlining said:


> Bolio,
> 
> Before you listen to the VAR's....
> 
> Prepare to hear the worst imaginable things possible!!
> 
> Some here have listened to (and seen) their wives having mind blowing sex with OM. This will forever scramble your brain. You will never be able to undo this trauma.
> 
> Please listen to VAR far away from your wife. Have a friend on speed dial in case you loose your mind.
> 
> I hope you find the truth but I pray it doesn't destroy you in the process.
> 
> Take care,


Silverlining: Your post really hit me hard. I'm planning on going home tonight and taking the VAR out of the car. I think theres still a big part of me that doesn't want to believe any of this is happening. I'm trying to prepare myself for what I might find - and what's going to come next. Everyday for two weeks has been a trial. Thank you for being blunt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> Silverlining: Your post really hit me hard. I'm planning on going home tonight and taking the VAR out of the car. I think theres still a big part of me that doesn't want to believe any of this is happening. I'm trying to prepare myself for what I might find - and what's going to come next. Everyday for two weeks has been a trial. Thank you for being blunt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are doing fine just listen to it away from the house at a good friend's place or at a walmart parking lot whatever.


----------



## Bolio24

tom67 said:


> You are doing fine just listen to it away from the house at a good friend's place or at a walmart parking lot whatever.


Thanks for the steady advice Tom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

If you've got mail coming and you don't want her to intercept it, put a temporary vacation hold on the mail and request that you will pick it up at the post office.

free - and it allows you total control over getting packages.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> iheartlife
> 
> Unfortunately, *addicts nearly ALWAYS have to hit rock bottom *before they realize that they are living a sham of a life. That what they had and thought was "fun" was false, empty, and ridiculous. No way to live.
> 
> *Losing one's job as a consequence of one's immature behavior, that is an example of hitting rock bottom.* I'm not saying you should get her fired. But she is in dire need of a true wakeup call. Her recent communications to you suggests to me that she thinks there's a difference between virtual and physical betrayals. She does not get it. At all.
> 
> My very last thoughts: this type of sexting addiction is a subset of porn / Internet / point and click addiction, and the treatment would be EXACTLY THE SAME. Validation-seeking behavior. I would find local porn / Internet counselors--that is who she needs. But she has to want to change. Do you see any evidence of that.




Iheart’s reprinted post above has hit the nail on the head

You got two choices:

1	You can try and help her by giving her a bottom ( losing her job) and/or getting her to agree to the right counselor


2 You can make up your mind that you are going to take the emotional hit and then start to get her completely out of your life. If you do this you will start to get back some of the respect that you deserve. At this point you seem like a door mat.


----------



## Jibril

... I hope, for Bolio's sake, that his absence is the result of a busy weekend, and not because the VAR captured something traumatic.


----------



## tom67

Jibril said:


> ... I hope, for Bolio's sake, that his absence is the result of a busy weekend, and not because the VAR captured something traumatic.


I hope so too!


----------



## tom67

Bolio will be fine!


----------



## Bolio24

tom67 said:


> Bolio will be fine!


Quick Update: 
Checked the VAR Fri night. It couldn't have been more innocent. 4 hours of Gangnam Style sing alongs, trick or treating with the kids, and 'How was your day at school wrap ups.' I have it set up again for this week.

She showed me her phone again, under protest... She wanted to watch me the whole time. Everything pre D-Day is long gone. Words with Friends games all gone except for games with me. (And she played WWF constantly). I looked thru her picture album - 2000 some odd photos. There are at least 750 self shots. Who takes that many photos of themselves??

Also, there was 1 current text from Ducati OM responding to something she asked about a movie. But of course it was listed as message 1 in the conversation. So she's deleting everything immediately now.

Also, her online cell phone log still shows a last entry of 10-28. That seems improbable. When I checked her phone history there were two calls between now and then. Somehow she must of called Sprint and told them not to log her calls. Anyone know if this is possible?

Going to put mail on hold soon so that she doesn't find text logs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScubaSteve61

Bolio24 said:


> Quick Update:
> Checked the VAR Fri night. It couldn't have been more innocent. 4 hours of Gangnam Style sing alongs, trick or treating with the kids, and 'How was your day at school wrap ups.' I have it set up again for this week.
> 
> She showed me her phone again, under protest... She wanted to watch me the whole time. Everything pre D-Day is long gone. Words with Friends games all gone except for games with me. (And she played WWF constantly). I looked thru her picture album - 2000 some odd photos. There are at least 750 self shots. Who takes that many photos of themselves??
> 
> Also, there was 1 current text from Ducati OM responding to something she asked about a movie. But of course it was listed as message 1 in the conversation. So she's deleting everything immediately now.
> 
> Also, her online cell phone log still shows a last entry of 10-28. That seems improbable. When I checked her phone history there were two calls between now and then. Somehow she must of called Sprint and told them not to log her calls. Anyone know if this is possible?
> 
> Going to put mail on hold soon so that she doesn't find text logs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Man, she's hiding stuff left and right. She wouldn't hide it if she didn't have a reason to feel guilty about it!


----------



## tom67

I have verizon but that's a good question! Or does she have the burner phone now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TCSRedhead

Bolio24 said:


> Quick Update:
> Also, her online cell phone log still shows a last entry of 10-28. That seems improbable. When I checked her phone history there were two calls between now and then. Somehow she must of called Sprint and told them not to log her calls. Anyone know if this is possible?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She picked up another cell phone, likely a prepaid that isn't registered. No addict (and iheartlife) was right about this is going cold turkey.


----------



## warlock07

She deleted the games so as to remove the chat records ? You have a very dangerous woman here..

What will you do if you find no proof of infidelity and she won't confess ?


----------



## iheartlife

Bolio24 said:


> I looked thru her picture album - 2000 some odd photos. There are at least 750 self shots. Who takes that many photos of themselves??


A narcissist.

Narcissistic personality disorder - PubMed Health



> So she's deleting everything immediately now.


Yes, unfortunately, my husband did this too, from the very beginning. After this many years it's an ingrained habit. However, Verizon shows a great deal. I'm also able to search for emails that are only on his desktop, not just on his phone, which he doesn't know.



> Also, her online cell phone log still shows a last entry of 10-28. That seems improbable. When I checked her phone history there were two calls between now and then. Somehow she must of called Sprint and told them not to log her calls. Anyone know if this is possible?


That is indeed, odd. Usually phone companies have community forums where you can post questions--you might try posting this one and see what people suggest.

What I was going to say is that perhaps she is switching out SIM cards, but I think that Sprint and Verizon phones can't do that here in the United States (?). Otherwise--burner phone--you can even buy them at our local grocery store, now.

I would keep surprising her with requests for her phone--do it at random, odd moments when she might not have had a chance to delete the history.

Also check browsing history on the phone, but you are probably doing that already.


----------



## tom67

iheartlife said:


> A narcissist.
> 
> Narcissistic personality disorder - PubMed Health
> 
> Yes, unfortunately, my husband did this too, from the very beginning. After this many years it's an ingrained habit. However, Verizon shows a great deal. I'm also able to search for emails that are only on his desktop, not just on his phone, which he doesn't know.
> 
> That is indeed, odd. Usually phone companies have community forums where you can post questions--you might try posting this one and see what people suggest.
> 
> What I was going to say is that perhaps she is switching out SIM cards, but I think that Sprint and Verizon phones can't do that here in the United States (?). Otherwise--burner phone--you can even buy them at our local grocery store, now.
> 
> I would keep surprising her with requests for her phone--do it at random, odd moments when she might not have had a chance to delete the history.
> 
> Also check browsing history on the phone, but you are probably doing that already.


Yea I saw about 5 smartphones over at dollar general.


----------



## Racer

Also don't forget there is sometimes a lag time for updating the website with the latest. Drove me bonkers when I was going through this. I found about a 24hr delay at points, other times it was updated almost immediately... Most reliable way though was to install autoforwarding software on her phone... Then I got it all in realtime.


----------



## iheartlife

tom67 said:


> Yea I saw about 5 smartphones over at dollar general.


I know! I glanced over and the ones at the grocery store are nice, you'd never know they were burners. It's downright creepy how easy they are to obtain nowadays--I wonder what percentage of people who get them use them for some not-so-aboveboard purpose?



Racer said:


> Also don't forget there is sometimes a lag time for updating the website with the latest. Drove me bonkers when I was going through this. I found about a 24hr delay at points, other times it was updated almost immediately... Most reliable way though was to install autoforwarding software on her phone... Then I got it all in realtime.


I also have noticed a delay with Verizon, but it's only slight, like off by a few hours--it seems too strange to me that there's no history between 10/28 and yesterday showing up, except that she's not using that phone now, or the information isn't being logged for some reason.

Cheater tech cold war....


----------



## TCSRedhead

iheartlife said:


> I know! I glanced over and the ones at the grocery store are nice, you'd never know they were burners. It's downright creepy how easy they are to obtain nowadays--I wonder what percentage of people who get them use them for some not-so-aboveboard purpose?


I do a lot of fraud and financial investigations. These prepaid phones and cards are a paradise for criminals but I would imagine they'd create a safe haven for cheaters too.


----------



## TDSC60

TCSRedhead said:


> I do a lot of fraud and financial investigations. These prepaid phones and cards are a paradise for criminals but I would imagine they'd create a safe haven for cheaters too.


They are a fairly safe tool for anyone who wants to hide something.


----------



## Silverlining

I'd suggest you schedule a polygraph. In the meantime, start searching for the burner phone. 


Thousands of texts.... then nothing :scratchhead:

I think you need to find the OMW. The longer you wait the more time he has to gaslight is wife.


----------



## Bolio24

Well my wife just left the house in a rage, speeding down the driveway. Off to soccer practice, maybe she'll call someone for comfort.

I really don't think she gets how sh!!ty this whole situation is making me feel. I couldn't get to work today due to Acts of Nature. So I went to OMW house for a couple hours w/ no luck and then came home. She started asking me if I voted (we do absentee) and other random stuff and I just told her, no it hasn't really been on my mind. Which is 100% the truth.

She starts asking me why I'm treating her like sh!t and giving her the cold shoulder for everything. And we vote every election, blah blah blah... I told her "You gotta be kidding." You lied, deceived me lied some more, and until I contact this other wife, I don't really give a sh!t about anything. She goes, 'Why are you so obsessed with her! This is about us.' I said no, right now this is about me and her, since her and I are both in the same boat together.

So anyway, that's the first time I've seen her pissed off about this. Just had to vent a bit.


edit: Well she just texted me and asked if I got hotel rooms yet for an upcoming soccer tournament. Guess she's over it now...


----------



## Bolio24

humanbecoming said:


> wanted to jump in here, this may help you bolio, and it's good info for the rest of the CWI crowd.
> 
> Words with friends- keep in mind, this is for ANDROID, I don't know about iPhone...
> 
> If you go to the Android "play store" (market), go to your "installed apps",, scroll down to words, and select it, you will have the option to uninstall- do so, then immediately re install and log back in- it RE LOADS THE LAST SEVERAL DELETED GAMES, and CHATS. Words will only show you the last 20 messages in the chat string, but when it re loads the deleted games, it shows the total number of chat messages exchanged during that game... Could be useful to determine if someone is using words to hide communication...
> 
> FYI, I stumbled on this by accident, but just now deleted and re installed to make sure I was not mistaken in any of it- last game I played was 11 days ago, it re loaded 9 old games going back 17 days.
> 
> Hope this helps.



Going to wait a day or two and then try this. I can tell you right now she is NEVER going to give me her WWF log in, but definitely worth a shot.


----------



## Silverlining

:smthumbup:

Keep on her. She is not showing signs of remorse.


----------



## walkonmars

Don't let her wear you down. Take a walk if you're able to.

Don't engage her in further conversation about anything but the kids. Next time she asks why you are acting coldly. 

Just say in a calm voice. "I'm sure you know why"

she starts screaming/ranting: "Screaming isn't helping. Take a break and calm down"


----------



## Bolio24

Racer said:


> Also don't forget there is sometimes a lag time for updating the website with the latest. Drove me bonkers when I was going through this. I found about a 24hr delay at points, other times it was updated almost immediately... Most reliable way though was to install autoforwarding software on her phone... Then I got it all in realtime.


Maybe.. But I just checked again. My call log is current, including today. Her's just stopped cold 10-28. I might have to make another call to Sprint tomorrow.


----------



## walkonmars

Bolio24 said:


> Maybe.. But I just checked again. My call log is current, including today. Her's just stopped cold 10-28. I might have to make another call to Sprint tomorrow.



Can't see her just "stop texting" Do you?

AS others have said - she's got a burner phone. Remember when she went to the 'car wash'. What day was that? 

They don't cost much. Could she have enough cash to pay with cash? if not check cc or bank acct to see if a purchase was made that day.


----------



## Bolio24

warlock07 said:


> She deleted the games so as to remove the chat records ? You have a very dangerous woman here..
> 
> What will you do if you find no proof of infidelity and she won't confess ?


I'm thinking about seeing a Divorce Lawyer in December during the week she's away on training.

Then afterwards, maybe I'll just go to her with Divorce Papers in one hand / and in the other hand: a list of my demands ie... NC letters, full disclosure of everything including OMW contact info, then poly, ic, job move, etc.

She's waiting for this to blow over and frankly, I think she's pissed that she ever told me, 

and she's shocked that I'm still upset.

I'm usually the easy going, whatever happens - happens guy.


----------



## sandc

Bolio24 said:


> I'm thinking about seeing a Divorce Lawyer in December during the week she's away on training.
> 
> Then afterwards, maybe I'll just go to her with Divorce Papers in one hand / and in the other hand: a list of my demands ie... NC letters, full disclosure of everything including OMW contact info, then poly, ic, job move, etc.
> 
> She's waiting for this to blow over and frankly, I think she's pissed that she ever told me,
> 
> and she's shocked that I'm still upset.
> 
> I'm usually the easy going, whatever happens - happens guy.


My friend, excellent plan... except... DO IT TOMORROW.

Don't wait. You're just going to give her time away with her lover. Put a stop to it now. Get those D papers ASAP. Get your list ready. And hand them to her. Before the trip is better than after. 

No matter when you do this prepare for a sh!tstorm the likes of which you have never seen.


----------



## Racer

Bolio24 said:


> Maybe.. But I just checked again. My call log is current, including today. Her's just stopped cold 10-28. I might have to make another call to Sprint tomorrow.


She may have just shifted methods as others have suggested. Mine went to company emails and calls, IM's, and eventually pre-paid calling cards. VARS, gps, snooping software on her phone, and keyloggers are key here. 

Then again, my wife also got scared and was confounded by how I knew so much. So, she started seriously cutting back contact hoping things would blow over. That did mess with my mind. Luckily, every now and again, I'd catch a bit of a string of what looked like an ongoing conversation through some things she didn't know about, so I knew there was still contact and I wasn't losing my mind.

That might of been something caught on the VAR that referenced a conversation I didn't catch... Or her company emails she had no idea I had access to. Never reveal your sources when you find something.....


----------



## Bolio24

walkonmars said:


> Can't see her just "stop texting" Do you?
> 
> AS others have said - she's got a burner phone. Remember when she went to the 'car wash'. What day was that?
> 
> They don't cost much. Could she have enough cash to pay with cash? if not check cc or bank acct to see if a purchase was made that day.



No, there's no way she stopped cold turkey. Two and a half weeks into the billing cycle she's at 300 texts. Her monthly typical is 2000-5500. She might just be keeping everything on the DL, or she might be using the hell out of her company e-mail.

Been trying to keep and eye on the bank acct. Last week she withdrew $200 from the ATM. Normally she doesn't use the ATM so that was a bit suspicious. Who knows? She's got plenty of tricks, that's for sure.


----------



## walkonmars

Bolio24 said:


> I'm thinking about seeing a Divorce Lawyer in December during the week she's away on training.
> 
> Then afterwards, maybe I'll just go to her with Divorce Papers in one hand / and in the other hand: a list of my demands ie... NC letters,* full disclosure of everything *including OMW contact info, then poly, ic, job move, etc.
> 
> She's waiting for this to blow over and frankly, I think she's pissed that she ever told me,
> 
> and she's shocked that I'm still upset.
> 
> I'm usually the easy going, whatever happens - happens guy.


The red bold above is going to be very hard for you to determine. So you need to continue your search for as much information as possible. Only in this way will you be able to verify even a small portion of what she says. 

You will do better to have her disclose in writing so there will be doubt if/when you find you've not been told everything.


----------



## humanbecoming

Bolio24 said:


> Going to wait a day or two and then try this. I can tell you right now she is NEVER going to give me her WWF log in, but definitely worth a shot.


Here is the cool thing- you don't need it... You either tell it to log in via Facebook, and if you have Facebook on your phone, it does it (when you get to the screen asking you to approve permissions to log, just click "deny") or you log in with your email addy. You should be able to do this no prob, and not need any extra info from her. If she has it locked down, then that's just another sign...


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> I'm thinking about seeing a Divorce Lawyer in December during the week she's away on training.
> 
> Then afterwards, maybe I'll just go to her with Divorce Papers in one hand / and in the other hand: a list of my demands ie... NC letters, full disclosure of everything including OMW contact info, then poly, ic, job move, etc.
> 
> She's waiting for this to blow over and frankly, I think she's pissed that she ever told me,
> 
> and she's shocked that I'm still upset.
> 
> I'm usually the easy going, whatever happens - happens guy.


have her served at work:lol:


----------



## Summer4744

Bolio. When you do sit her down with divorce papers in one hand, don't just give her a list of your demands. Let her know, that you know things. And the last chance she has is to look you in the eye and be honest with you.

With her back against the wall she may spill the beans. Might be your only chance to get the truth. You can always give her your list later. Just remember. You will basically be bluffing that you know more than she is letting on. So It will only work if you believe that you will leave her if she doesn't tell you the truth.


----------



## Shaggy

If she is doing that any texts on her phone the data usage would be higher than normal.

I'm thinking she either has a burner phone of a second SIM for the current phone.

Can you hire a PI to check up on her on the trip?


----------



## cpacan

Shaggy said:


> If she is doing that any texts on her phone the data usage would be higher than normal.
> 
> I'm thinking she either has a burner phone of a second SIM for the current phone.
> 
> Can you hire a PI to check up on her on the trip?


Another sim-card would explain the variation in call logs.


----------



## iheartlife

Shaggy said:


> If she is doing that any texts on her phone the data usage would be higher than normal.


Yes--bolio--did you compare the data usage? My understanding is that other texting apps don't register as texts on the bill, rather as Internet data usage because that what it is. You ought to see a spike comparing data usage between last month and this month if she's switched methods but is still using the same phone.


----------



## sandc

Maybe she switched to Skype? Uses data rather than voice minutes as well.


----------



## tom67

sandc said:


> Maybe she switched to Skype? Uses data rather than voice minutes as well.


Good point. Let's get back to basics the fact she hasn't been forthcoming to begin with regardless of all the texts you have retrieved, that ALONE would be the deal breaker for me. I know you are getting your ducks in a row but like sandc said do you want to wait till december? Anyway keep up the good work and take care of the kids.


----------



## LetDownNTX

sandc said:


> My friend, excellent plan... except... DO IT TOMORROW.
> 
> Don't wait. You're just going to give her time away with her lover. Put a stop to it now. Get those D papers ASAP. Get your list ready. And hand them to her. Before the trip is better than after.
> 
> No matter when you do this prepare for a sh!tstorm the likes of which you have never seen.


Not sure what state you are in, but in TX you can print the paperwork yourself that you fill out to file for divorce. If you just want to scare her, maybe you can do that. You can tell her you saw a divorce lawyer and you have to return the papers to him/her filled out. 

Just a thought.


----------



## Bolio24

iheartlife said:


> Yes--bolio--did you compare the data usage? My understanding is that other texting apps don't register as texts on the bill, rather as Internet data usage because that what it is. You ought to see a spike comparing data usage between last month and this month if she's switched methods but is still using the same phone.


No, not yet. Will check into this tomorrow.

I put a hold on my mail. Hopefully, Sprint sends the text message info to me soon. This whole experience has me feeling worn out, mentally and physically.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bolio24

Summer4744 said:


> Bolio. When you do sit her down with divorce papers in one hand, don't just give her a list of your demands. Let her know, that you know things. And the last chance she has is to look you in the eye and be honest with you.
> 
> With her back against the wall she may spill the beans. Might be your only chance to get the truth. You can always give her your list later. Just remember. You will basically be bluffing that you know more than she is letting on. So It will only work if you believe that you will leave her if she doesn't tell you the truth.


This might be a good play. I'm going to give her 1 chance to tell me everything. It just seems sad that the only way to do this is with the threat of D right in her face. I have a feeling she'll admit to some things but probably not everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> This might be a good play. I'm going to give her 1 chance to tell me everything. It just seems sad that the only way to do this is with the threat of D right in her face. I have a feeling she'll admit to some things but probably not everything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is sad Bolio. It triggers me because when I confronted ex she admitted it but left daughter and I for om. I was a wreck.D was 12 then. She still has fights with her mom om is gone after 1 year om cheated on her oh well. She told me it was 6 months I didn't care after what I found. D may live with me next school year because D new what happened and never forgave her. Anyway I'll shutup take care bolio.


----------



## tom67

As much pain as your going through Bolio just listen to this War Of The Roses - YouTube sometimes ya just have to laugh bro.


----------



## Bolio24

tom67 said:


> As much pain as your going through Bolio just listen to this War Of The Roses - YouTube sometimes ya just have to laugh bro.


Ok, I don't even care if that was real or not, but that was freakin hilarious. Thanks


----------



## Chaparral

Try this google page.

https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sugex...091999c00846da&bpcl=37643589&biw=1680&bih=881


----------



## Bolio24

Well she left for work this morning 40 minutes early. She could be trying to make up for yesterday - she took off two hours for Annual Parent-Teacher Conferences. Although she was wearing a sexy pair of a$$ showing boy shorts. 

She left her work purse behind so I rifled thru that for awhile. I found some pw from 2011 with employee contact info. I was able to confirm some of the phone numbers I have been tracking and they were exactly who I thought. It's interesting to note that Gym OM/Ducati OM and another male co-worker who she talks to quite a bit all have similiar phone numbers. Same area code and same prefix - then similiar final four numbers. Work phones maybe or coincidence? And if they are work phones, then maybe my wife has one as well; she just might not bring it home?? 

Also, the other male co-worker (I guy I know also) is the only male co-worker who she did not delete in her phone. All of their conversations are still there and pretty bland. So if Ducati OM was just a harmless friendship, why delete anything at all?

Anyway, I opened up one of her dresser drawers and found two different full-loaded Pandora Bracelets in separate boxes. They weren't very hidden or anything but I certainly didn't give her those. I bought her one last year and it has two little trinkets on it at a cost of $400.00. So I opened up a different Jewelry Box - found the Pandora Bracelet I gave her, and saw her wedding ring, promise ring, and my wedding band hanging on a hook. My band got so tight two years ago I had to have it cut off. She had it resized to her finger and said she could wear it now whenever, but... I guess not so much.

I dug to the back of the Jewelry Box and found a tiny blue post-it note with OM1 work and personal e-mail address. Also stuffed back in there was about $200.00 in wrinkled, wadded up cash. She's always been a bit of a cash hoarder.

Also found some pw for a local jewelry store from about a year ago.. She bought a children's heart 14K Gold necklace for $120.00 and put it on layway at $10 a month. I have no idea who that was for, what happened to it, or why she would put anything that costs 120 bucks on layaway??

Just thought I'd log some more circumstantial evidence.


----------



## sandc

Okay so she took off for work early wearing sexy clothes? And then left her "work" purse behind? Is she really going to work? Should you maybe have followed her to see where she's really going?


----------



## Bolio24

sandc said:


> Okay so she took off for work early wearing sexy clothes? And then left her "work" purse behind? Is she really going to work? Should you maybe have followed her to see where she's really going?


Maybe. But I've got the VAR in place so that might tell me a few things. Anyway, she doesn't normally take that particular purse on a daily basis. It was really dusty. Had to make sure not to put my fingerprints all over it. It's used more for when she has training. It's full of notes from classes and random work-related stuff.

I'm trying myself not to jump to conclusions about every little detail, but evidence is mounting.


----------



## LetDownNTX

Bolio24 said:


> Also found some pw for a local jewelry store from about a year ago.. She bought a children's heart 14K Gold necklace for $120.00 and put it on layway at $10 a month. I have no idea who that was for, what happened to it, or why she would put anything that costs 120 bucks on layaway??
> 
> .


She's a sneaky thing isnt she? Are you going to ask her about the bracelets? Do you think she bought them for herself since she obviously hides money?!

My first and only thought on the childs necklace was....maybe she put it on layaway for someone else, if its a credit based layaway?


----------



## sandc

Bolio24 said:


> Maybe. But I've got the VAR in place so that might tell me a few things. Anyway, she doesn't normally take that particular purse on a daily basis. It was really dusty. Had to make sure not to put my fingerprints all over it. It's used more for when she has training. It's full of notes from classes and random work-related stuff.
> 
> I'm trying myself not to jump to conclusions about every little detail, but evidence is mounting.


You're staying cool and keeping your head about you. You're doing great.


----------



## Gabriel

It could be she is buying the jewelry for herself and she doesn't want you to know about them, or maybe OMs are buying them for her. That's just weird - wouldn't she want to wear them?? What's the point in hiding something like that when you can't wear them in public?

The wedding ring thing is pretty bad.

Bolio, I have to ask, how are you guys in comparison to each other, attractiveness-wise? Are you pretty equal?


----------



## Bolio24

LetDownNTX said:


> She's a sneaky thing isnt she? Are you going to ask her about the bracelets? Do you think she bought them for herself since she obviously hides money?!
> 
> My first and only thought on the childs necklace was....maybe she put it on layaway for someone else, if its a credit based layaway?



I seriously doubt she bought them for herself. Maybe they're samples someone gave her so she can get ideas and expand her own bracelet? (Probably Not - I Know) But I do all of the finances and definitely would of noticed transactions like that. I don't want to ask her though because then she'll know for sure I'm snooping, and she'll put the Extreme Lockdown on everything.

I'll have to check that jewlery pw tomorrow. Kids are home after half day and they will tell her everything if they see me going thru her stuff.


----------



## Bolio24

Gabriel said:


> It could be she is buying the jewelry for herself and she doesn't want you to know about them, or maybe OMs are buying them for her. That's just weird - wouldn't she want to wear them?? What's the point in hiding something like that when you can't wear them in public?
> 
> The wedding ring thing is pretty bad.
> 
> Bolio, I have to ask, how are you guys in comparison to each other, attractiveness-wise? Are you pretty equal?


Well, honestly I always thought we were a pretty good match up. Probably somewhere middle of the road, not terrible, not Tom Cruise. Although she absolutely went up a notch with her two surgeries. 

Now social and economically speaking, her Mom and Dad are immigrants. Came here with nothing. They grew up dirt poor, surviving on hand-outs from their church and friends, etc.
I was raised in the "standard" suburban middle class family.


----------



## sandc

Did you know she is not wearing her wedding ring?


----------



## Bolio24

sandc said:


> Did you know she is not wearing her wedding ring?


I guess I haven't really noticed. She does take it off now and again, but as of late - its put up and away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> I guess I haven't really noticed. She does take it off now and again, but as of late - its put up and away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep that plus all the other stuff she is doing are red flags but you will know when you have to confront doing great so far.


----------



## sandc

Bolio24 said:


> I guess I haven't really noticed. She does take it off now and again, but as of late - its put up and away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay well... that's just another red flag for your growing list.

I think when you act, you're going to have to act hard. Just want to reiterate, be ready with the D papers before you confront. Gather all the evidence you can first. Make a list of all the red flags too.


"Wife, you have been <insert red flag list>. I have investigated and have found <insert your findings>. I know everything but that is enough for now. I am divorcing you. I would like you to pack your things and leave today."

You're still a ways from that though. Just trying to get you to think ahead a bit. You'll need to prepare for that day.


----------



## TCSRedhead

Credit based layaway for $120 is so she could pay in small unnoticeable increments. 

There is just sooo much that keeps adding to this list.


----------



## Gabriel

TCSRedhead said:


> Credit based layaway for $120 is so she could pay in small unnoticeable increments.
> 
> There is just sooo much that keeps adding to this list.


Yeah, it's not looking good. What amazes me in a lot of these female cases (no offense Red) is the brazen nature of it. I mean, she's not even really hiding this. Sexy underwear, no ring, jewelry in an easy-to-find spot, etc, etc. It's like she's proud of her deviant behavior.


----------



## tom67

Gabriel said:


> Yeah, it's not looking good. What amazes me in a lot of these female cases (no offense Red) is the brazen nature of it. I mean, she's not even really hiding this. Sexy underwear, no ring, jewelry in an easy-to-find spot, etc, etc. It's like she's proud of her deviant behavior.


This is the extreme in living a double life


----------



## Shaggy

You should do a semen test on the underwear after she's worn them today.


----------



## TCSRedhead

Gabriel said:


> Yeah, it's not looking good. What amazes me in a lot of these female cases (no offense Red) is the brazen nature of it. I mean, she's not even really hiding this. Sexy underwear, no ring, jewelry in an easy-to-find spot, etc, etc. It's like she's proud of her deviant behavior.


None taken. She *CAN* be brazen - she's been getting away with it for how long?

I had bought pretty lingerie and stuff to take pictures in and kept it stored in a gym bag in the closet. Hubby found that about a week after the pictures. Ugh. I honestly think that was the worst thing for him out of all the discovery items. 

I hate to say it but I would say he hasn't found the worst of it yet. As soon as hubby started inquiring, I started ditching a ton of stuff (email/text/messages).

My worry is how she'll respond when he confronts on all of this. She is going to go ballistic. 

Bolio - it may be a good idea to have someone there (silently as a witness) or to record the confrontation.


----------



## Shaggy

Expensive jewelry that appears and s never worn around you is a very bad sign,

Make sure if this heads to D that its accounted for. Perhaps you should be taking pictures and stashing them?


----------



## Bolio24

Shaggy said:


> You should do a semen test on the underwear after she's worn them today.


Excellent idea. Any idea where to pick one up short notice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Try a big chain drugstore now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bolio24

tom67 said:


> Try a big chain drugstore now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, cool.

I just asked her why she left early. She said she had credit card training. Which has me wondering why she didn't take her work/class/training purse. I asked her if OM was there because I know he is a card holder, (thank you Google search). She texted back that, she doesn't know, she was with her boss, and with 900 people its easy to get lost....

That's one big training room.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

The thing with training days is they often have open ended schedules which permit socializing or free time afterward.


----------



## iheartlife

TCSRedhead said:


> Credit based layaway for $120 is so she could pay in small unnoticeable increments.
> 
> There is just sooo much that keeps adding to this list.


That's exactly the idea--so it wouldn't show up as one item on a credit card.

Those Pandora bracelets were not samples--based on your description, yours was "only" $400--so what do you think the other ones were worth?? Looking at their website, most charms run about $50 apiece (only one or two cost less than that!)--so assuming they each carried about 10 to 13 charms, plus the cost of the bracelets, the two together are worth $1000 to $1300 total (or MORE).

She did not buy those--how could she? If she's sneak-buying a $120 layaway item in $10 increments. They had to be gifts. Isn't it rather hard to imagine anyone "loaning" her something so expensive?

It's hard not to wonder why / how she'd accumulate charms, which tend to be comemorative. Sorry. I know that might not be the case, and it's a disturbing thought, but it would fit with all the other strange behavior.


--------------

I agree, why delete the communications with Ducati man if they were so innocent.

I'm sure it hurt like the ****ens to see OM's info. carefully squirreled away.

Keep sleuthing...there is more out there.


----------



## Shaggy

Yeah, I was thinking the same about the charms collection.

I've heard of swingers using them as hook up rewards


----------



## Will_Kane

Bolio24 said:


> Ok, cool.
> 
> I just asked her why she left early. She said she had credit card training. Which has me wondering why she didn't take her work/class/training purse. I asked her if OM was there because I know he is a card holder, (thank you Google search). She texted back that, she doesn't know, she was with her boss, and with 900 people its easy to get lost....
> 
> That's one big training room.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why are you still worried about getting evidence? You know she's up to some pretty shady stuff, is completely dishonest with you. You don't need any evidence at all to get a divorce. You can get one just because you want one, with or without evidence. Why don't you just confront her, tell her you want the truth and you want her to take a polygraph, no matter what she tells you, and if she doesn't agree you will file for divorce. Then do it.


----------



## Acabado

Re read th whole thread and write down the tons of red flags, real evidence... it's incredible.


----------



## Bolio24

Will_Kane said:


> Why are you still worried about getting evidence? You know she's up to some pretty shady stuff, is completely dishonest with you. You don't need any evidence at all to get a divorce. You can get one just because you want one, with or without evidence. Why don't you just confront her, tell her you want the truth and you want her to take a polygraph, no matter what she tells you, and if she doesn't agree you will file for divorce. Then do it.



I'm thinking it's time to go this route. I just checked her call logs online and sure enough Monday night, after she had left the house in a rage and went to soccer practice - she received a 20 minute call from EX-BF OM. (He lives out of state) I'm hoping she talked inside her car. I'll be checking the VAR this weekend.

I found a yahoo e-mail account for her on a post-it note in a drawer. I was able to log in to the account by resetting the password via our joint e-mail account. Her last activity was the night before D-Day at 9:30 pm. All messages of course have been deleted. Contact information for EX-BF OM and _Another_ Ex, (we'll call him Ex-BF 3), whose name I vaguely remembered was in the contact list. There was also one conversation started by an unknown person that simply said, "So are we going to trade pix or what?" The email address was a females name so maybe it was SPAM. Don't know.

So, on a whim, I decided to try and log into FB with this newly discovered e-mail address and by luck, when I entered our standard family password, it immediately brought up her Facebook page! She uses her FB for family and old friends, even using her maiden name. I did however find EX-BF 1 and EX-BF 3 listed as friends. Only 1 conversation between her and Ex-BF 3 in which she wished him Happy Birthday and signed it, _Always, her name._

By the way - found a pubic hair on her pretty blue panties. It did look familiar though. I'll be testing those soon.


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> I'm thinking it's time to go this route. I just checked her call logs online and sure enough Monday night, after she had left the house in a rage and went to soccer practice - she received a 20 minute call from EX-BF OM. (He lives out of state) I'm hoping she talked inside her car. I'll be checking the VAR this weekend.
> 
> I found a yahoo e-mail account for her on a post-it note in a drawer. I was able to log in to the account by resetting the password via our joint e-mail account. Her last activity was the night before D-Day at 9:30 pm. All messages of course have been deleted. Contact information for EX-BF OM and _Another_ Ex, (we'll call him Ex-BF 3), whose name I vaguely remembered was in the contact list. There was also one conversation started by an unknown person that simply said, "So are we going to trade pix or what?" The email address was a females name so maybe it was SPAM. Don't know.
> 
> So, on a whim, I decided to try and log into FB with this newly discovered e-mail address and by luck, when I entered our standard family password, it immediately brought up her Facebook page! She uses her FB for family and old friends, even using her maiden name. I did however find EX-BF 1 and EX-BF 3 listed as friends. Only 1 conversation between her and Ex-BF 3 in which she wished him Happy Birthday and signed it, _Always, her name._
> 
> By the way - found a pubic hair on her pretty blue panties. It did look familiar though. I'll be testing those soon.


A 20 minute call WOW!Yea Will has a point you're just going to drive yourself fVcking insane. Get the finances in order, ask her 1 more time for the truth don't tell her yet how you know. You have 3 times the evidence anyone else has ever gotten so far.The call logs from sprint should be coming make a copy for her and just leave then on the table.


----------



## Bolio24

tom67 said:


> A 20 minute call WOW!Yea Will has a point you're just going to drive yourself fVcking insane. Get the finances in order, ask her 1 more time for the truth don't tell her yet how you know. You have 3 times the evidence anyone else has ever gotten so far.The call logs from sprint should be coming make a copy for her and just leave then on the table.


I think she relies on ex-bf 1 quite a bit for Comfort. In the call logs from earlier this summer there's a 3 day stretch of time while I was out of town that contained 12 calls between them. Including a 82 and a 97 minute conversation. 97 MINUTES!!! G. DAMN!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cabin fever

I also think its time to confront after you get everything ready for a quick exit (if you go that route) 

From one dude to another........you know as well as me, there is only reason a guy would talk to a chick for 97 minutes! 

good luck dude, you deserve a lot better!


----------



## sandc

Bolio24 said:


> I think she relies on ex-bf 1 quite a bit for Comfort. In the call logs from earlier this summer there's a 3 day stretch of time while I was out of town that contained 12 calls between them. Including a 82 and a 97 minute conversation. 97 MINUTES!!! G. DAMN!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Starting to see some anger here. Good. Anger will help you do the hard stuff. You can collapse mentally and physically after this is resolved. Until then stay angry.


----------



## tom67

Unreal yea it's time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gabriel

Keep us posted Bolio. You don't have to wait for test results on the panties, or wait for the text logs from Sprint. That's just procrastinating. You have enough. Still follow through and do/get those things - use them as further ammo later if she tries to lie her way back into your heart.

This is sounding like Shamwow's thread more and more.


----------



## Hope1964

Just got updated on this thread. Hang in there Bolio. You're doing great.

Is it selfish of me to really not want you to confront her yet, just so I can know what your VAR recorded?? 

Don't forget, when you confront, have a plan. Write it down. She's going to deny and gaslight and blameshift - you need to be prepared.


----------



## Bolio24

Well my wife just called me and asked me what I was doing and why am I changing passwords around. Yahoo must of texted her to verify account changes. 

I told her, 'You're hiding stuff. I'm looking for stuff. Pretty simple.'
So the cats out of the bag, she'll be much more vigilant now.

When I get home tonight, I'm going straight for her phone. Going to try to retrieve the deleted Words with Friends games/chats.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Bolio24 said:


> Well my wife just called me and asked me what I was doing and why am I changing passwords around. Yahoo must of texted her to verify account changes.
> 
> I told her, 'You're hiding stuff. I'm looking for stuff. Pretty simple.'
> So the cats out of the bag, she'll be much more vigilant now.
> 
> When I get home tonight, I'm going straight for her phone. Going to try to retrieve the deleted Words with Friends games/chats.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well may as well demand the truth/polygraph tonight it's out in the open now. Stay focused and cold no gaslighting blaming you.


----------



## Shaggy

Just ask her, what happened to the wife who wanted to fully transparent and open to me?


----------



## Bolio24

Hope1964 said:


> Just got updated on this thread. Hang in there Bolio. You're doing great.
> 
> Is it selfish of me to really not want you to confront her yet, just so I can know what your VAR recorded??
> 
> Don't forget, when you confront, have a plan. Write it down. She's going to deny and gaslight and blameshift - you need to be prepared.


Ya, I need to hear that VAR first before proceeding. I want to hear for myself what they're saying and HOW they're saying it. The tone in her voice. Her laughing at his jokes. It may push me to end things quickly and completely.

Also, tomorrow morning I'm going to the post office. Hopefully the text logs from Sprint are in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

That var should be interesting
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars

Bolio, you ARE doing great. 
Be prepared for a verbal assault tonight. Stay calm. Don't argue with her. 

"I'm not going to discuss that tonight. I will later - believe me. But not tonight"

Get plenty of rest. 

I think that checking the phone is going to be a non-starter. She's been using a burner. And whatever was on the 'show phone' is likely deleted. Leaving only the innocent ones. 

She's dying for you to see these innocent texts so she can press her assault feeling she's proved you wrong and unjustified in your efforts.


----------



## Will_Kane

Bolio24 said:


> I'm thinking it's time to go this route. I just checked her call logs online and sure enough Monday night, *after she had left the house in a rage and went to soccer practice - she received a 20 minute call from EX-BF OM*. (He lives out of state) I'm hoping she talked inside her car. *I'll be checking the VAR this weekend*.
> 
> *I found a yahoo e-mail account *for her *on a post-it note in a drawer.*
> 
> I was able to log in to the account by resetting the password via our joint e-mail account. *Her last activity was the night before D-Day at 9:30 pm. * All messages of course have been deleted. Contact information for EX-BF OM and _Another_ Ex, (we'll call him Ex-BF 3), whose name I vaguely remembered was in the contact list. There was also one conversation started by an unknown person that simply said, *"So are we going to trade pix or what?" *The email address was a *females name *so maybe it was SPAM. Don't know.
> 
> So, on a whim, I decided to try and log into FB with this newly discovered e-mail address and by luck, when I entered our standard family password, it immediately brought up her Facebook page! She uses her FB for family and old friends, even using her maiden name. I did however find EX-BF 1 and EX-BF 3 listed as friends. Only 1 conversation between her and Ex-BF 3 in which she wished him Happy Birthday and signed it, _*Always*, her name._
> 
> By the way - found a pubic hair on her pretty blue panties. It did look familiar though. I'll be testing those soon.


The amount of phone numbers and passwords and email accounts kept on post-it notes in drawers is a very bad sign. 

Your wife seems like she needs constant attention from men. Likely, she always has been this way. All her close friends always have been men. She chose a profession and job where she would be surrounded mostly by men. She calls one man after another in rapid succession, including you - this is not normal behavior for a cheater. Most cheaters focus in on a single guy at a time. Getting attention from men seems like a compulsion for her. My guess is that she really does love you, she just can't help herself. It's all about the attention, and to an EXTREME degree. It's not something I think that can be fixed just between the two of you. 

Bolio, it's been about three weeks. You've basically discovered that your wife has a whole life filled with other men of which you were almost completely in the dark. You share a house with your wife, but you really knew nothing of her life.

It started when your wife came home about three weeks ago and told you she had inappropriate communications with another man and that other man's wife was going to try to contact you, and that you should do everything you could to avoid other man's wife.

What you should have done on day one was tell your wife you want a complete confession, all the truth, backed up by a polygraph if it didn't make sense, the name of other man and other man's wife, access to all accounts and devices, or you would divorce her. Now it's three weeks later and you are essentially in the same position. You've learned that your wife was a lot more secretive than you thought. But other than that, you haven't really moved forward at all. It's been all smoke and no fire. Hopefully the voice-activated recorder will shed some light.

In any event, I think that after you listen to the VAR, whether it has anything on it or not, you've got to go back and do what you should have done on day one. Confront, demand truth, and unless everything she explains makes sense to you, demand polygraph. Demand passwords, access, transparency. If not, file for divorce.

What your wife already knows is that, when you find out the whole truth, you are going to go for the divorce. That's how bad the truth is going to be. That's why she isn't telling you. She has everything to gain by lying and nothing to lose. When you make your demands, she will not comply because telling you the truth will mean a certain divorce, while if she lies, she may be able to talk you out of it. From her point of view: Tell you the truth and let you know FOR SURE what a big cheater she's been, or refuse to tell you and let you guess at how big a cheater she's been.


----------



## tom67

Hope you are hanging in there Bolio.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jim123

I have no idea how much more you need. She confessed three weeks ago. Just take control and be done. I understand you are in denial but time to step up.


----------



## Silverlining

Bolio,

Did you have a chance to listen to the VAR?



Hope all is well


----------



## tom67

I'm sure it was a long weekend for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## humanbecoming

Between the var, and the resurrected words with friends chats, the poor guy is probably in a bad way right now.


----------



## tom67

humanbecoming said:


> Between the var, and the resurrected words with friends chats, the poor guy is probably in a bad way right now.


PTSD maybe but I think he is stronger than that


----------



## tom67

Hope you are ok Bolio
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TCSRedhead

Bolio - are you ok?


----------



## ScubaSteve61

Hoping and praying you're ok, man!


----------



## tom67

ScubaSteve61 said:


> Hoping and praying you're ok, man!


Starting to get worried


----------



## LetDownNTX

Ive been constantly visiting the thread waiting for an update, starting to worry myself!


----------



## Bolio24

Thank you to everyone for the concern. Well I'm looking forward to everyones responses on this one. 

I wanted to take the time to detail what I heard on the VAR and I just haven't had a chance to write since my wife and I have both had the last few days off work. She catered to my every need this past weekend. She cooked and cleaned the kitchen like never before. Was genuinely caring with the kids all weekend. There was also some subtle flirting from her, and a hug on Veterans Day. It was very hard not to recriprocate, but I stood fast.

But first - Words with Friends was a dead end.

Got a letter from Sprint that says in order for them to release text messages, my wife has to send in a notarized letter requesting authorization. She is the account holder unfortunately.

Semen test on her panties from her "left early to work day" last week were negative. 


The VAR: is pretty amazing. It captured her part of the entire conversation with out of state Ex-BF OM. They spent most of the coversation talking about OM1. There was about 20 minutes before the phone conversation, where all I could hear was the radio. It's obvious to me they were texting one another because as soon as he calls her - she starts right in with this...

Hello... I am watching my son play... at soccer practice.
Huh... so email... He would email from his house, er, he's a guy from work and I would email him back. And usually it was 'Hey how's it going, how was your weekend? I don't see him at work cause we don't work in the same place... 

What... (soft, short laughing)... No, it would never get like that. (soft, short laughing)... His wife found one of my emails. I've been emailing him or whatever. So she emailed me. I never repiled back... Ya, she was crazy... So I left it at whatever... But then I was home one day early cause I had a VA appointment and... (laughing)... ya so... (laughing) so (sadness in her voice) I went to work the next day. There was an email the next day. And she asked me about my husband. And she said I can't believe you asked my husband to take a day off for you. And wouldn't it be nice if you guys were actually able to go to... I know, what would I do right, (short laughing)... (med-long pause)

Ya, ur mad?... (long pause) NO I"M NOT - don't say that. O my God. So then she started telling me that she knows a lot about me. And she told me, "Don't you think it would be a good idea if your husband had a printout of all of the emails... huh...
NOTHING, ok it was... I was two hours late to work, I was feeling sick. And he emailed me and said why don't you stay at home. And I said no, I have a lot of stuff to work on. And he emailed me back and said, 'Well when are you going to work on me?' End of conversation. I didn't reply. Ok...

A few days later, he emailed me 'Good Morning.' I emailed him back, and it went back and forth. A few days later he emailed me again, and said 'When's my next appointment with you?' And I said, 'Oh, that was yesterday, you must of missed it.' Simple stupid emails like that. I didn't see the guy. He works somewhere else.... Huh... What kind of appointment? NO, it was a joke. O My God! You two. 

So anyway the email address was my home address.... So, I came home and told my husband. And he flipped out of course. And that was it... I didn't sleep with the guy. They were just emails. And I told him because I knew that this stupid freaking wench was gonna do something. I mean she can send him the emails. I don't really care. I mean the emails aren't...

What?... Again?... Weren't you just out here?... With your Mom?... I thought you didn't?... (8 minutes of random talk about how he's visiting our State)

Huh, ya... Nothing... I don't know what he plans to do... (Crying) Yes he is... He hasn't talked to me since... He checks my phone everyday. He says I ruined our marriage... I F***ed everything up. I told him I know, but I didn't do anything G-Dammit... I don't know what else to do... That's what I get for telling him... I told him... I don't know, whatever... I don't know what to do... That's the other thing. I don't have the emails anymore... Well I'm not stupid, I delete everything stupid...

So, I had to delete you from my phone and delete any male name from my phone so he doesn't have a conniption fit. I didn't do anything and he says, 'Your lying.' And I'm like whatever dude. You know what, I can't do this.... For what?... So... What's he gonna do?... I'm sorry... I better let you go then... 

Then talking to herself a minute later she says, (while sniffling), 'Why does he say I cheated on him. I didn't. I didn't cheat on him. That's the worst part. I didn't do anything.


----------



## TCSRedhead

That's a lot more than I expected so soon. 

So, OM1's wife found their emails and obviously broke that up to the best of her ability. There had to be more to those emails if the wife was threatening to send them to you.

I think it's fair to ask your wife to notarize the request if there is nothing to hide. 

She has some serious issues - this volume of contact with other men is just disturbing. Why can't she come to you for this type of validation and support?


----------



## tom67

TCSRedhead said:


> That's a lot more than I expected so soon.
> 
> So, OM1's wife found their emails and obviously broke that up to the best of her ability. There had to be more to those emails if the wife was threatening to send them to you.
> 
> I think it's fair to ask your wife to notarize the request if there is nothing to hide.
> 
> She has some serious issues - this volume of contact with other men is just disturbing. Why can't she come to you for this type of validation and support?


Yes if there is nothing to hide she should be more than willing to fill out the request and "clear" this up!


----------



## spudster

Man she is an idiot. 

You sure you want to stay with this moron?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

don't discount that she is likely lying to her exbf as well to you


----------



## LetDownNTX

It seems like in part of the conversation with the xBF OM she was trying to justify her communications with the OM#1? Doesnt that seems odd? Do you think he was jealous to hear about her talking to the other guy, why would he be jealous? Part of you probably wants to believe that she didnt do anything wrong (besides the emails) but she would HAVE to stop communicating with other men and her own comment about having to delete other men's numbers from her phone so you wouldnt have a conniption, didnt really make her sound like she WANTED to do that to save her marriage!


----------



## iheartlife

Bolio24 said:


> Then talking to herself a minute later she says, (while sniffling), 'Why does he say I cheated on him. I didn't. I didn't cheat on him. That's the worst part. I didn't do anything.


Assuming this is true--she must interpret cheating as actual sexual intercourse. Hard to say what she considers "not" cheating, because as you know there are people out there who think a BJ or an HJ aren't cheating, either. Maybe you could take some heart in this--assuming she wasn't still talking to him on the phone, however.

The way she characterized the communications to this guy she's talking to--that you have to take with a grain of salt. Of course she's going to spin this to other men as just harmless stuff. Part of virtual flirtation is making sure each guy thinks he's "the one" and it sure would puncture that bubble if she let on that she texts and perhaps sexts with anyone who has a Y chromosome.

Clearly, she doesn't see anything wrong with virtual flirtations with men--to the tune of hours and hours of her time--but I guess we knew that already.

Yes, get her to disclose her texts. And you have never received the emails that the wife threatened to send, correct?


----------



## tom67

Almostrecovered said:


> don't discount that she is likely lying to her exbf as well to you


Eventually I would think all the lies will catch up with her.


----------



## ScubaSteve61

tom67 said:


> Eventually I would think all the lies will catch up with her.


That's the problem with lying... People lie, and tell different lies to different people, then can't remember what lie they told to what person, and get tripped up.


----------



## sandc

Unless she knew you hid the VAR in her car she appears to not be having a PA. At least, she believes she is not having a PA. But yes, you need to get to the root of why she wouldn't want you to see those emails. What is in them? If she is not cheating then why the secrecy? Does she want to stay married? Do you? If she does then she needs to tell you everything. If she doesn't then hand her divorce papers. Her personality sounds like she will respond to that. If you don't want to stay married then no need to continue. Just divorce and don't listen to her whining once she's served.


----------



## SadSamIAm

Bolio24 said:


> Then talking to herself a minute later she says, (while sniffling), 'Why does he say I cheated on him. I didn't. I didn't cheat on him. That's the worst part. I didn't do anything.


I think you should change the location of the VAR in her car. I am wondering if she found the VAR and is telling you what she wants you to hear.


----------



## Cdelta02

If I take the conversation at face value (thats me assuming she doesnt know about the VAR), it sounds like she wants to get this over with and get you over the event. 

If so, I think it may be worthwhile to put a game face on, sit her down, dont blow up, keep calm and tell her that you believe she wouldnt cheat on you, yet she got into an EA. Fine. You still want to believe her and make sure nothing happened. So ask her to show all emails. She will say that she doesnt have them (her talk says she deleted them). Dont blow up now. She will be expecting you to have a fit. Use that to your advantage. Appear to think about this. Then say ok, if we cant get the emails, lets get the texts. Lets get this letter signed and notarized and lets get it to the cell provider. See her reaction. Thats all you will need.

If you are still in doubt, once she notarizes the doc, schedule a polygraph and get that done.

Don't play any more games trying to go stealth on her. It isn't working. And you are wasting your time, which you could use either going for a D or for R.


----------



## TBT

Bolio24 said:


> That's the other thing. I don't have the emails anymore... Well I'm not stupid, I delete everything stupid...


It doesn't appear likes she's in a PA and she at least has some poor boundaries as evidenced by the fact she is even having this type of conversation about you and your marriage with the ex-bf.

Things like the quote above are easier for you to interpret because you hear her inflection,but as a reader I am curious what his side of the convo might be....did he say she was stupid for deleting her emails,hence her reply,or did he say-I hope you delete ours too.

She needs to be way more transparent.Hope you can figure this out.


----------



## anchorwatch

Bolio, It's just more conformation (beside the EA) that she has boundary problems with opposite sex friends by discussing her relationship out side of the marriage with them. Clearly she does not see any OSF contact as a problem. That's your problem in a nutshell. This must change or the marriage will fail. 
Have you read Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends" yet?


----------



## tom67

On her next work trip in december you are going to be wondering who she is sexting or whatever she is doing ugghh, I would just have her get those texts from sprint.


----------



## Pluto2

If she could lie to you, why do you think she wouldn't lie to OM2? I'd tell her that until you get verification from the texts, you are completely reasonable in presuming she is continung to lie.
Her conversation with OM2 is a clear indication that she has no proper boundaries within your marriage. I am sorry.


----------



## TDSC60

The fact that she is discussing you and the state of your marriage with her OM is something I would consider as cheating.


----------



## Gabriel

Classic, classic case of a woman who thinks cheating is only physical. The rest is just gossipy banter, just like with girlfriends. They see no difference between dangerous liaisons and talking to their best GF. 

It does sound like she hasn't had a PA, but also that she really gets off on getting a rise out of men. 

Is this someone you want to be with? 

She cried at the prospect of how you were treating her. That is a very good sign. But she quickly then put on a tough "whatever" face for the OM. She doesn't want to show the OM that she really cares. She wants them to think it's all fun and games. But deep down, your 180 is bothering her, big time. Which is good.

I wouldn't reveal you heard that convo yet. I disagree she found the VAR. If she did, she'd go apesh*t on you, I think.

This one LOVES to flirt, and LOVES to be unavailable. What I see here is a woman who loves to tantalize but then reject men. She loves the ego boost of doing that, but not giving them what they want. I guess that's what they call a tease. But she's married.


----------



## Bolio24

iheartlife said:


> Assuming this is true--she must interpret cheating as actual sexual intercourse. Hard to say what she considers "not" cheating, because as you know there are people out there who think a BJ or an HJ aren't cheating, either. Maybe you could take some heart in this--assuming she wasn't still talking to him on the phone, however.
> 
> The way she characterized the communications to this guy she's talking to--that you have to take with a grain of salt. Of course she's going to spin this to other men as just harmless stuff. Part of virtual flirtation is making sure each guy thinks he's "the one" and it sure would puncture that bubble if she let on that she texts and perhaps sexts with anyone who has a Y chromosome.
> 
> Clearly, she doesn't see anything wrong with virtual flirtations with men--to the tune of hours and hours of her time--but I guess we knew that already.
> 
> Yes, get her to disclose her texts. And you have never received the emails that the wife threatened to send, correct?


Ya, this makes a lot of sense to me. And I'm not discounting the possibility that some of what she told Ex-bf1 on the phone was lies. 

I still have had no contact with OMW. 

I'm going to make my wife notarize and send in the pw for the text retrievals. Apparently, the request is only valid for 15 days so I need to get on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife

Bolio24 said:


> I still have had no contact with OMW.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What are your plans for this?


----------



## Bolio24

TBT said:


> It doesn't appear likes she's in a PA and she at least has some poor boundaries as evidenced by the fact she is even having this type of conversation about you and your marriage with the ex-bf.
> 
> Things like the quote above are easier for you to interpret because you hear her inflection,but as a reader I am curious what his side of the convo might be....did he say she was stupid for deleting her emails,hence her reply,or did he say-I hope you delete ours too.
> 
> She needs to be way more transparent.Hope you can figure this out.



Ya, this was definitely one of the parts of the conversation that stood out to me as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bolio24

anchorwatch said:


> Bolio, It's just more conformation (beside the EA) that she has boundary problems with opposite sex friends by discussing her relationship out side of the marriage with them. Clearly she does not see any OSF contact as a problem. That's your problem in a nutshell. This must change or the marriage will fail.
> Have you read Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends" yet?



I ordered the book but haven't read it yet. I've been just too busy with all of this other covert stuff. Maybe I'll start it tonight. I've been debating on giving the book to her to read too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bolio24

Gabriel said:


> Classic, classic case of a woman who thinks cheating is only physical. The rest is just gossipy banter, just like with girlfriends. They see no difference between dangerous liaisons and talking to their best GF.
> 
> It does sound like she hasn't had a PA, but also that she really gets off on getting a rise out of men.
> 
> Is this someone you want to be with?
> 
> She cried at the prospect of how you were treating her. That is a very good sign. But she quickly then put on a tough "whatever" face for the OM. She doesn't want to show the OM that she really cares. She wants them to think it's all fun and games. But deep down, your 180 is bothering her, big time. Which is good.
> 
> I wouldn't reveal you heard that convo yet. I disagree she found the VAR. If she did, she'd go apesh*t on you, I think.
> 
> This one LOVES to flirt, and LOVES to be unavailable. What I see here is a woman who loves to tantalize but then reject men. She loves the ego boost of doing that, but not giving them what they want. I guess that's what they call a tease. But she's married.



Look, here's the thing. She knows that I know, that she talks and texts other men. She always has. She had a boyfriend when I met her and Ex-bf1 was still in the picture. This is why I was so "blind" to all of this. But deleting emails and texts is something completely different.

For example: She will call her sister on the phone. They'll talk for 10 minutes about random family stuff. Then her sisters husband will get on the phone, and they will talk for 25 minutes about the same stuff. She's always been this way. She doesn't relate to too many women.

Her Dad left the house two days after she was born. At the time my wife had two sisters. Her Dad had 3 children with three different women but came back and had another child with my wifes Mom. My Mother in law raised 4 children on her own with no help from Father in law and no financial support. She worked multiple jobs and did everything she could for her kids. And my Father in law; he's actually a great guy. Hes always around for his grandkids. But at the end of the day, he goes back home to his other wife.

But my wife takes her Dads side on everything. Talks to him on the phone at least once a week and says she loves him no matter what happened. My wife doesn't even like talking to her Mom, and says all she does is complain about getting old, and how nobody cares about her anymore.

She needs IC, no doubt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964

Bolio24 said:


> She needs IC, no doubt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## Silverlining

They lived happily ever after...... The end. 




Thank you for sharing your story with us Bolio. I have hope your marriage will be one of the success stories...


----------



## Bolio24

iheartlife said:


> What are your plans for this?


The only way it seems to get in touch with OMW is to have my wife talk to OM and get her contact information. Not sure if I want to do this or if he will comply.

I've been reading 'Not Just Friends' this morning and ya, my situation is seemingly right out of the book.

I'm going to make my wife sign the text authorization paperwork this weekend. And I'm going to give her one chance, once and for all to tell me everything. Going to drop the D word. I'm ready to move in one direction or the other now. I'm tired of feeling like the relationship is in limbo.

STD results haven't come back yet. 

I'll keep in touch. Thanks again to everyone for helping mentor me thru this mess.


----------



## walkonmars

You are doing remarkably well. Stay strong.


----------



## tom67

walkonmars said:


> You are doing remarkably well. Stay strong.


You have been doing great just remember cold and calm she must know that you will have the resolve to move on she has to have that serious threat in the back of her head. I wish you the best man.:smthumbup:


----------



## sandc

Bolio,
Just please know that without the evidence in your hand she will trickle truth you. Many times the WS will lie even with presented with factual evidence so don't expect too much. If you want truth, go for a polygraph test. 

I would tell her that you are moving towards divorce. That new evidence is coming in all the time (don't say what or howw) and that if she does not confess and that confession matches up with the evidence that you will be receiving then the D with go through as planned. But if she comes COMPLETELY clean, shows you EVERYTHING, you may think that she actually is remorseful and MAY CONSIDER trying to make things work.


----------



## TCSRedhead

I'm really amazed how far you've come. Keep calm - don't let her fluster you when you talk to her.


----------



## warlock07

Bolio24 said:


> But my wife takes her Dads side on everything. Talks to him on the phone at least once a week and says she loves him no matter what happened. My wife doesn't even like talking to her Mom, and says all she does is complain about getting old, and how nobody cares about her anymore.
> 
> She needs IC, no doubt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


really feel bad for her mother


----------



## Chaparral

Bolio24 said:


> The only way it seems to get in touch with OMW is to have my wife talk to OM and get her contact information. Not sure if I want to do this or if he will comply.
> 
> I've been reading 'Not Just Friends' this morning and ya, my situation is seemingly right out of the book.
> 
> I'm going to make my wife sign the text authorization paperwork this weekend. And I'm going to give her one chance, once and for all to tell me everything. Going to drop the D word. I'm ready to move in one direction or the other now. I'm tired of feeling like the relationship is in limbo.
> 
> STD results haven't come back yet.
> 
> I'll keep in touch. Thanks again to everyone for helping mentor me thru this mess.


Do yu have his name and/or phone number? There is a good chance you can find out who his wife is by going to spokeo.com or some of the other sites for looking people up. I say spokeo because I and several others have had luck there. Of course there is no help for a burner phone.


----------



## Chaparral

You might want to monitor you VAR a while lonnger. Its your best course right now. Especially since she loves to talk so much.


----------



## Bolio24

chapparal said:


> You might want to monitor you VAR a while lonnger. Its your best course right now. Especially since she loves to talk so much.


I'm going to continue monitoring the VAR as I move forward.
On Sunday I gave my wife the pw to retrieve 90 days of text messages. I told her she needs to have it notarized by Wednesday as there is a time limit. Needless to say she was in total shock. She kept asking why I would want that information. I told her that sending 5000 texts a month was not normal behavior. Especially when only 150 of them go to me. She said, 'Well would you rather have me talking to people on the phone?' Of course I know she's been doing that too but I didn't say anything. She also blamed me saying that I never talk to her so....


Anyway, last night she made no mention of the pw. So I don't think she'll have it done by Wednesday. We are hosting Thanksgiving at our house, 1pm on Thursday. My side of the family will all be there. I'm.seriously considering leaving the house early that morning and skipping it. Then she can explain what's going on and where I am to my family. It would really hurt not being there with my kids but I want her to finally get how serious I am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cdelta02

Bolio24 said:


> I'm going to continue monitoring the VAR as I move forward.
> On Sunday I gave my wife the pw to retrieve 90 days of text messages. I told her she needs to have it notarized by Wednesday as there is a time limit. Needless to say she was in total shock. She kept asking why I would want that information. I told her that sending 5000 texts a month was not normal behavior. Especially when only 150 of them go to me. She said, 'Well would you rather have me talking to people on the phone?' Of course I know she's been doing that too but I didn't say anything. She also blamed me saying that I never talk to her so....
> 
> 
> Anyway, last night she made no mention of the pw. So I don't think she'll have it done by Wednesday. We are hosting Thanksgiving at our house, 1pm on Thursday. My side of the family will all be there. I'm.seriously considering leaving the house early that morning and skipping it. Then she can explain what's going on and where I am to my family. It would really hurt not being there with my kids but I want her to finally get how serious I am.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This is no surprise. You need to put your foot down on the notarization. If she doesnt follow through, you know you dont have a future with her.

On the ThanksG thing, dont play games. If the intent is to expose (and it should be), do it yourself. If you leave it to her, she will make up some story and you will look like a weak person and a deserter. If the intent is to make her feel uncomfortable, find something else for it. Whenever you bring in outsiders (friends, relatives, etc) and give them a view of your marriage, make sure it is clean and accurate.


----------



## TCSRedhead

I agree on the notarization - it's the least she can do to offer transparency right now.

On Thanksgiving - I would not punish your children. This whole situation is going to hurt them whether you two reconcile or split up. If you can maintain SOME normalcy for a bit longer for their sake, it is worth it.

I'm just amazed she continues to be in such denial. What is your plan for confrontation and exposure? I do think her family SHOULD know but I think it should be by you at this point since she's still minimizing.


----------



## iheartlife

Just giving your post a bump. I would figure out a way to get that notarization.

Can't recall what you have, have not done. One thing that loyal spouses have done to get more information is to print out divorce papers from the Internet and leave them lying around.

Another idea would be to tell her that you're telling you're family what's been going on when they show up, that she's somehow found the time for 52 HOURS of texting strange men.

Perhaps someone else can come up with a variation on these.


----------



## TCSRedhead

iheartlife said:


> Just giving your post a bump. I would figure out a way to get that notarization.
> 
> Can't recall what you have, have not done. One thing that loyal spouses have done to get more information is to print out divorce papers from the Internet and leave them lying around.
> 
> Another idea would be to tell her that you're telling you're family what's been going on when they show up, that she's somehow found the time for 52 HOURS of texting strange men.
> 
> Perhaps someone else can come up with a variation on these.


I agree - be clear on what her behavior has been (maybe leave out the VAR findings for now) so they can also help observe her behavior. It also prevents her from painting you as the bad guy.


----------



## the guy

Becarefull on Thur. if you bail she has a great oppertunity to make you look like the bad guy when you abandon Thanksgiving dinner.


----------



## Chaparral

Simply tell her you will be getting a lawyer Mon. if she doesn't get you what you want. Tell her if its that bad you will go ahead and file and your attorneys can get them.

Do not let this ruin your Thanksgiving time with your kids, family. And don't spoil anyone elses either. It can wait. That doesn't mean you have to pretend to be thankful for her.


----------



## TCSRedhead

Ugh - I'm just so sorry. This sucks and the timing just makes it so much worse!


----------



## Chaparral

To drive home the point, you might casually mention to her "that this will be our last Thanksgiving together as a family."


----------



## Will_Kane

Will_Kane said:


> Why are you still worried about getting evidence? You know she's up to some pretty shady stuff, is completely dishonest with you. You don't need any evidence at all to get a divorce. You can get one just because you want one, with or without evidence. Why don't you just confront her, tell her you want the truth and you want her to take a polygraph, no matter what she tells you, and if she doesn't agree you will file for divorce. Then do it.


I am rooting for you, but I don't have to live it every day. I feel bad for you. You don't have to let her treat you this way. How much longer do you think you will be willing to put up with it, knowing she is and has been up to a lot of shady stuff, but not being able to find out exactly what? Another month? Three months? Six months? A year?

I would never in a million years tolerate what you have for the sake of "evidence." If my wife wouldn't show me what was on her phone or email or any other darn thing I told her I wanted to see, the divorce would be started the same day. If she wants to hide stuff, she can hide stuff all she wants all day long - just not while she's married to me.

As I've posted before: 

1. Your wife has some very deep-seated issues, having only had male friends all her life, choosing a profession and job that was overwhelmingly populated by men, and carrying on with so many other men that it's hard to keep them straight, plus she has no emotional attachment to them - this is not a normal cheater, this is a person with a deeper issue and the other men are the symptom. 

2. The reason she does not show you, will NEVER show you, what is the content of those messages is that YOU DEFINITELY WOULD DIVORCE HER IF YOU KNEW WHAT THE MESSAGES SAID; if she keeps not letting you see them, MAYBE, just maybe, this might blow over; Her goal is to wear you down so you will just drop it and let it blow over, like it has for all the years you've been married to her.


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## Will_Kane

Bolio24 said:


> We are hosting Thanksgiving at our house, 1pm on Thursday. My side of the family will all be there. I'm.seriously considering leaving the house early that morning and skipping it. *Then she can explain what's going on and where I am to my family.* It would really hurt not being there with my kids but I want her to finally get how serious I am.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bolio's Mom to Bolio's Cheater: "Where is Bolio?"

Bolio's Cheater to Bolio's Mom: "I don't know. He's been acting absolutely crazy lately. He left the house early this morning. I think he might have been drunk, the way he was acting. I think he might be cheating on me. I wonder if he is at another woman's house?"

STAY HOME ON THANKSGIVING. If you want your family to know, just tell them yourself.


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## Will_Kane

Sometimes when I read the threads on this forum, I think I'm in some alternate universe where the laws of common sense no longer apply.


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## Summer4744

Bolio. If what is on the texts are bad, Why would she allow you to see them? She has no incentive to give in to you. It is more likely she will just delay until it is too late to recover them and then minimize what was in them.

If the truth is important to you then grow a pair and threaten D if she does not respect you. You have to be strong here and demand the texts, otherwise no going back. 

Just waiting till family comes on thanksgiving day and not showing up is just weak. It is passive aggressive and no way for her to start respecting you.

I am sorry to be so direct, but the stakes are high here. If you want sanity going forward, be strong today or forever feel the pain of not knowing what happened.


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## sandc

I agree with the others. She is dragging her feet because she knows if you see those texts you WILL divorce her. Assume there is confirmation of a physical affair in them if she does not have the papers notarized. I also agree that you should file for D after Thanksgiving. Have one last one together as a family. Call your relatives next week after you have met with your attorney and give them the news at that time.


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## tom67

sandc said:


> I agree with the others. She is dragging her feet because she knows if you see those texts you WILL divorce her. Assume there is confirmation of a physical affair in them if she does not have the papers notarized. I also agree that you should file for D after Thanksgiving. Have one last one together as a family. Call your relatives next week after you have met with your attorney and give them the news at that time.


You can tell your family it may be the last thanksgiving together and leave it at that and if one asks WELL tell them everything WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE, NOTHING!!!!


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## cpacan

Will_Kane said:


> Sometimes when I read the threads on this forum, I think I'm in some alternate universe where the laws of common sense no longer apply.


Will, this is why it's so valuable to have you and other vets, who can see things more clear than those of us still buried inn mud. Thank you.


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## warlock07

Now I imagine her telling him that she would have got them for him only if she knew how important they were to him..


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## Bolio24

TCSRedhead said:


> I agree on the notarization - it's the least she can do to offer transparency right now.
> 
> On Thanksgiving - I would not punish your children. This whole situation is going to hurt them whether you two reconcile or split up. If you can maintain SOME normalcy for a bit longer for their sake, it is worth it.
> 
> I'm just amazed she continues to be in such denial. What is your plan for confrontation and exposure? I do think her family SHOULD know but I think it should be by you at this point since she's still minimizing.


DELTA/REDHEAD:

Yes thank you for the posts. I agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bolio24

TCSRedhead said:


> I agree on the notarization - it's the least she can do to offer transparency right now.
> 
> On Thanksgiving - I would not punish your children. This whole situation is going to hurt them whether you two reconcile or split up. If you can maintain SOME normalcy for a bit longer for their sake, it is worth it.
> 
> I'm just amazed she continues to be in such denial. What is your plan for confrontation and exposure? I do think her family SHOULD know but I think it should be by you at this point since she's still minimizing.


DELTA/REDHEAD:

Yes thank you for the posts. I agree. It's not right to punish the kids on a holiday like that. And even though it would feel good to put her in a bad spot on Thursday, I should probably be the one to expose her to family. 
Last night - no mention of the pw. 
Although she continues to cater to me - dinner and drink waiting for me when I got home after a 14 hour shift.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad

TCSRedhead said:


> That's a lot more than I expected so soon.
> 
> So, OM1's wife found their emails and obviously broke that up to the best of her ability. There had to be more to those emails if the wife was threatening to send them to you.
> 
> I think it's fair to ask your wife to notarize the request if there is nothing to hide.
> 
> She has some serious issues - this volume of contact with other men is just disturbing. Why can't she come to you for this type of validation and support?


Get WW to notarize. Tell WW that those with nothing to hide hide nothing.


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## Cdelta02

ON Fri or Sat, after ThansGiving, put her in the car and drive her to a notary with the paperwork. Dont know where the notary is around you, but where I am, I can go to a Fedex, UPS or local library.

Take the indecision out of her hands. You have nothing to lose at this point. 

Even after that if she refuses to sign, then my friend, you are done. What it means is that everything you think or imagine happened, did actually happen.

Best of luck. I really hope that she signs without drama.


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## tom67

Cdelta02 said:


> ON Fri or Sat, after ThansGiving, put her in the car and drive her to a notary with the paperwork. Dont know where the notary is around you, but where I am, I can go to a Fedex, UPS or local library.
> 
> Take the indecision out of her hands. You have nothing to lose at this point.
> 
> Even after that if she refuses to sign, then my friend, you are done. What it means is that everything you think or imagine happened, did actually happen.
> 
> Best of luck. I really hope that she signs without drama.


Around me at the currency exchanges they notarize of course for a fee.


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## Bolio24

Will_Kane said:


> Sometimes when I read the threads on this forum, I think I'm in some alternate universe where the laws of common sense no longer apply.


Trust me. I feel that way. Like an out of body experience I guess. Walking next to my regular self - whose still trying to live a normal life.

I'm going to try and enjoy Thanksgiving with my family. Hope everyone here will try and do the same. Many thanks...


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## FryFish

Did she sign the p/w?


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## iheartlife

Wondering where the two of you stand now...


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## tom67

iheartlife said:


> Wondering where the two of you stand now...


Hope you are doing ok Bolio.


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## Pluto2

same here. Are you OK?


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## LetDownNTX

Wondering how things are myself!! Please update us!


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## sandc

Come on back bud. We're here for you.


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## tom67

What's up Bolio?


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## LetDownNTX

tom67 said:


> What's up Bolio?


Wish Bolio would update us!


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## Memento

He hasn't come here in a while. I doubt he will return. Nonetheless, I wish him luck and peace of mind.


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## LetDownNTX

Memento said:


> He hasn't come here in a while. I doubt he will return. Nonetheless, I wish him luck and peace of mind.


I dont see how someone can come and spill their guts to perfect strangers and then disappear. I guess yall are just stuck with me forever cause I couldnt imagine not sticking around!


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## Memento

LetDownNTX said:


> I dont see how someone can come and spill their guts to perfect strangers and then disappear. I guess yall are just stuck with me forever cause I couldnt imagine not sticking around!


Because we are, as you put it, "strangers". He doesn't owe us anything. TAM served its purpose for him and hopefully he moved on. At least, I like to think so.


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## sandc

I feel the same way about a lot of threads LetDown. Nice to hear how things turn out.


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