# why do i torture myself



## luv2ivy (May 18, 2010)

so this morning i get off work and stop at my husbands house to see him told him a little white lie that i was having car problems so he would let me in.he went in his room and layed down so i go lay next to him we end up making love and once again he tells me it shouldnt of happened and asked why i keep putting him in this position.the day b4 his girlfriend ended things with him at a suprise meeting between the 3 of us she wanted us to sit down and talk he had no idea i was going to be there.turns out he had been lying to her since they first met,so for now they are broke up hopefully for good.should i take this as a sign or not read anything into it,but he also found out that she had been talking to other men on the dating site where they met and was making plans to meet them even though she was caught red handed she still denied it.im afraid if they talk they will want to start from a fresh point and work things out,this is so not fair he is my husband not hers,i told her that i loved him and if he would take me back i would go,,what shall i do i could really use some advise here please


----------



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Well I pretty much have done what you did and you look at my thread you can see what happen(ing) honestly I would stop doing it until he is really ready to commit you and only you. I let myself go there with my H and it has just pretty much blew up in my face and now I feel very used.


----------



## luv2ivy (May 18, 2010)

i know i just cant help myself when i get around him i just want him so much.i just dont understand how he can tell me he dont love me but is able to make love to me and today seemed like we really conneceted not like the other 3 times where he just went through the motions today was amazing just like old times.


----------



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

My H did the same thing we have/had always a very strong sexual connection. I can tell you(and I bet your H is the same) that it is different for them they can act like that because they want something(sex) and that is it.


----------



## luv2ivy (May 18, 2010)

he has agreed to go out with me for our anniversary on the 19th of this month.my daughter was texting him earlier and she asked him since him and his girfriend are broken up does that mean that we are going to get back together and he text back i dont know,i mean that has to be a good sign right he didnt say no when i talked to him on the phone i asked him if he was having second thoughts about filing for a divorce now (he has not filed papers yet) he said i dont know.i dont know what to think i dont want to get my hopes up and get crushed again and besides who knows him and this woman could talk soon and try to make a go of it again,what to do what to do help please


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

You're going to do what you want to do..bottom line..and you know it..and he is going to do what he wants to do...until he finds another GF..sad, but a cycle I see a lot of on post in these forums.


----------



## caliguy (Jun 8, 2010)

Sometimes I think girls don't understand the genes that are in men to just have sex. If it presents itself, it's very hard to turn down. You will end up feeling used if you don't stop this.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Your husband went on a dating site to meet this woman. That implies that he was looking for a girlfriend while married to you...so even if he is no longer with this woman, it is not as if he met someone at work or the gym and a friendship crossed the line...he was looking to cheat. Be careful here. Unless his affair has truly made him realize he made a mistake and should re-commit to you and your marriage, you are setting yourself up for more hurt by getting your hopes up each time he throws you a bone.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can work on yourself and become an amazing person, so that he likes what he sees. But if you don't work on the boundaries - what treatment you'll accept from him - he will NEVER respect you, and he'll think you deserve being cheated on.

He can't respect you until YOU do.

btw, if you want him to be more interested in you, get a life. Join a club. Take a class. Take up a sport. Start having fun WITHOUT him. Have somewhere to go when he comes to see the kids. Nothing will make you more attractive than _not needing him_.


----------



## landonsmommy (Jun 10, 2010)

i have been doing the same thing. me and my husband have been separated since oct, two months after we had our son. and since dec, we have been having sex when he comes to see his son. at first i enjoyed it and hoped it would make him want to come back. but now i just feel used. i think you should cut him off. things wont get better this way. and i understand what your feeling. i still love mine as much as the day i met him. but he doesnt respect me. and yours wont respect you. cut him off and make him want you back, and the best way to do that..ignore him! dont give him all of ur attention. show him you can make it without him


----------



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I have to agree about ignoring him its funny because that is what I was doing at 1st and I noticed it worked. I did have a little break inbetween but I am back to doing it. I am living and it shows. I noticed he said I was being stand offish BUT was also almost attempting to get my attention. Don't be rude but just live and be happy it DOES shine through.


----------



## luv2ivy (May 18, 2010)

so yestarday morning i stopped at my husbands after work my kids were here for the night and i went upstairs to see him and we made love again this time he told me he loved me and he didnt want to throw away 11yrs of marriage,he decided to take a vacation day yestarday so we spent the day together in the afternoon his ex sent him a text saying that she really cared about him and he hurt her so much that she is numb and she knows he doesnt care but she just needed to vent he said that he wasnt going to text her back.i asked him last night if she were to call and want to try and work things out would he want to he said i dont know,but after seeing i was upset he said that if she were to call that doesnt mean that he would have to answer.i just dont know what to do i thought about texting her and telling her we are trying to work things out but i feel that it should be him telling her not me.i just have no clue what to do,i feel like im setting myself up for a heartbreak all over again.im here at his house now i told him b4 he left for work that i was going to go home and he could have his weekend with the girls and i will stay away and when he knew what he wanted he could tell me,im scared that if i leave that he is going to talk to her and they get back together but i also know i dont want to be here without knowing if he wants me here,i just rally dont know what to do here are how to proceed with this i ant even think straight right now


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can't control him. All you can do is be the person he chooses. Wants to choose. Better yourself. Get a life. Don't wrap your whole world around him. That makes you more attractive. The more he thinks you'll do anything to keep him, the less he'll want you. 

That's called boundaries. "I love you and I want you, but I respect myself too much to accept you, if you continue to contact other women. If you can't turn them away, we'll just have to go our separate ways, and I'll find someone who WILL love me completely and solely."

At MB, their plan for recovery after an affair includes having the Wayward Spouse write a No Contact letter to her in which he says "I love my wife and family too much to throw them away, so I will never contact you again. I ask that you respect my wishes and do the same. I will not return your calls or texts." He writes it, you read it, and you send it. It's a psychological thing for him.

If he can't do that for you, he's not ready to come back.


----------



## luv2ivy (May 18, 2010)

so should i just go home an not contact him wait for him to contact me and risk losing him all over again?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Being all over him is NOT going to make him choose you. In fact, NOT being all over him makes you more mysterious. Show him that you CAN survive without him. Make it clear you don't WANT to, but you will if he can't be the husband you deserve.

No offense, but what you are describing is you showing him that you'll give him all the SF he wants, as long as he doesn't leave you. What does that make you look like?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Your husband went on a dating site, had an affair, left the home and has not cut off contact .... and now that she broke up with him if she calls, he doesn't have to answer? If he truely wants to work on your marriage he should be committed to never contacting her again, letting her know that & living an open book...letting you see his phone, computer and keep you informed of his whereabouts so you can begin to trust again.

It doesn't sound as if he's planning to do anything to regain your trust...but then again, why should he? You have set the bar as low as possible and aren't requiring anything of him...not even the basics of commitment.


----------

