# Bipolar?



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Hi all, 

i have posted plenty about my marriage and how up and down it can be. My husband and I have had a pretty up and down marriage since we got together. All the signs when we were dating were there but I didn't pay attention. Then I got pregnant, married and here we are. I love my husband do death, I really do. But he is so irresponsible with money and lacks any self motivation to get off the bed in the morning. We have two small children and his biggest complaint about me is that i bother him too early in the morning to hep with the kids. Yes I stay home, Yes i understand that is my job, but i honestly in my hearts of hearts only want him involved in our family. I feel we are teaching my son to be an ass***e and not value women. We fight constantly and have lost all respect for one another. He cheated on me in January (emotionally as far as i know) and we were at the brink of a divorce. He has always been extremely jealous and insecure and controlling. The cheating threw me over the edge and i was ready to let him go. 

After we seperated he bad mouthed me to his family. Dragged me in the dirt if you will and he cheated on me!! A month later he came to somewhat of an apology and i accepted it. A month later we moved back in together. As i go back and reanalyze how it all happened, he really pushed me and bullied me into letting him move back in. I wasnt ready and was honest but he barrrelled his way in. Again, I love him so i let it be. The first month was the ideal marriage. Since then we back in helll. 

Im at the point where i dont want to live (as pathetic as that sounds) because i dont want to have failed my children. I wanted nothing more than my family and here I am contiplating a divorce. I started school and taking care of myself by working out and dressing up and just very basic things like washing my face again!!! I think he hates me for finally polishing myself up. ITs the jeoulousy I believe. 

The reason I am writing you all is because youve been in LONG TERM marriages and may be able to give me some advice. Please help I want to save my marriage. I want my kids to be able to say their parents love each other dearly and admire us. Im scared. I dont want to divorce him and leave my kids in daycare to make 10$ an hour. I want my marriage and my family. I love my husband and my kids. Why do i feel so crappy? Why does he abuse me verbally?? What can I do as a Christian who wants to save her marriage? When will I know it is time to let go? I dont want to damage my chidlren. The fights are intense loud and horrific. 

I posted this same post in the long term marriage part of the website but i ended up thinking and thinking after yet another ridiculous argument that maybe he is bipolar. Ive looked it up and all the symptoms fit. can it be? what should i do? what can i do?


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I don't see anything in your post that makes me think he's bipolar? Why do you think so?


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What does he still bring to the marriage that you feel you need to stay with someone who treats you this way? We teach people how to treat us. IMO, as long as you allow him to act this way, you are teaching your kids that this is normal. Surely its not what you want for your life or kids lives. Divorce is not always a bad thing and yes kids can be hurt by it. BUT I also believe that kids can be hurt far worse by two people staying in a unhealthy marriage too.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

mishu143 said:


> When will I know it is time to let go? I dont want to damage my chidlren. The fights are intense loud and horrific.


Sounds like he's just an azz vs. bipolar. My mom stayed with my abusive alcoholic dad for years b/c she wanted to keep the family together. She finally left him when I was about 11, but she knows now that she should have done it sooner. 

You may come to realize that you are doing more damage to your kids by staying with this overgrown child vs. leaving.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I think sometimes peoples mindset about staying is, "hey look at me, I stayed married regardless of what has happened." There is no reward for staying and sticking it out in an unhealthy marriage. Especially if unhealthy things are still going on.Your kids are already learning that this is how relationships work and how they are supposed to be. I truly believe that once you get some self worth, you will then see that you and your kids deserve better than to let this continue on. Just my 2 cents.


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

to Drover: YEah i re-read my post and it want too clear... Im not sure if Im excusing his behavior or if there is a possibility that he is mentally ill. I looked up many resources regarding Bi-polar disorder and the symptoms hit the nail on the head. It just keep spointing that way. 

To all the rest of you guys:
My mother tells me the same exact thing. I cannot tell you or explain why i keep around other than im afraid. Im afraid to work so much for so little that i will never see my kids. They are very small. 5 and 1 years old. I grew up with a single mother and i only saw her at night for a few hours. Ontop of it she was so stresssed out that we didnt have her best face on weekdays. 

I dont want the same for my kids. Im afraid. Im afraid of what his crap family is going to say about me to my children. (they are horrible people tht love to gossip infront of the children---no filters and no sense...) 

Im not perfect and i feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for feeling the way i do. I keep trying to change myself in order to show myself im not doing anything wrong. I honeslty dont know. I dont understand why but im here. I love him but im tired. I fed up and i dont want my kids to be in this dysfunction anymore. 

I guess i wish it was something that could be fixed easily rather than rely on him to change. I cant do this marriage thing alone and i know that but when do you know when to say when. When do you know its over. He came back to me. I didnt ask for him. I thought he really wanted tobe happy and change. Our marriage has been bad for loooong time but we have highs and lows and i know no marriage is perfect. Maybe thats why im still around? because no marriage is perfect and maybe there is a way to fix it. 

We went to counseling and it was fine and doing better but we cant afford it so we had to stop. And anyways we cant be married forever and constantly back and forth to a counselor. IF so what kind of marriage is that?


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

1. As far as reading up on bipolar thats fine, but he still needs to be seen by a doctor to be diagnosed if thats whats going on. 

2. Stop worrying about what other people think of you and your choices. So what if his family are horrible gossipers, thats on them.

3. On one hand you say you don't want your kids to grow up in a single family, with just their mother like you did, but at the same time you don't want them to live in this dysfunction. Well, you are gonna have to make up your mind which outweighs the other. 

4.I think you feeling guilty for how you feel is natural, its part of being human. Hopefully you will learn over time its ok to feel that way but not ok to always hang on to it. Guilt can get in the way of making good decisions. 

5. You say maybe you're still around because no marriage is perfect. IMO you are still around because you choose to be, period. As far as fixing it, it takes two people who want to. 

6. You say what kind of marriage is a marriage who is always back in forth to a counselor, I would say one thats on the road to possible recovery. Do you all not have insurance? Lots of counselors take insurance.


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

To Trey:

Yes we do have insurance but even the copays are too much for us right now....Remeber my husband is irresponsible with money and until he can manage it we will never be out of this broke position we are in. (your wondering why dont i work?) I worked for thre years while i put my older child in daycare. All that did was give him more access to more money to spend. So i refuse to work and supprt his horrible money skills. Id rather be home with my kids and nurture them and love them and spend the little time i have with them now. (dont get me wrong if we ever needed it i would work again but no not now). 

And to put the cherry on the cake the insurances down here dont cover marital therapy.... wow right?? stupid insurances get away with murder.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You can still work and earn some money without contributing to his money habit. Save you some money for yourself and kids. What kind of position would you be in if he up and left you all high and dry? Time to take care of you.


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Bipolar? yeah right he is just a liar. Everyone is right im just an idiot I should've left a long time ago. He keeps trying to make me seem like this giant who*e and Im fed up. Im scared and Im nervous and I feel like he is constantly breaking me down. I want to die everyday. Im conflicted because i want to fix it but it is never under honesty. Even now i called him after i left and took my kids out of the house and left to my moms. What did I call him for?

NOTHING!! All he did was continue to tell me everythign went downhill because i called my mom to complain about him. 

Long story short for you all...during our seperation I spoke to old friends male and female through facebook. nothing every happened. Ridiculous. Well he says that he had a friend of his track my phone records and that he saw i spoke to one male friend for hours and that it totaled more time than the time ive ever spoken to my husband in the 6 years weve been together. 

That is BS and i told him so because i never ever spoke to anyone off of facebook. I still have all the convo and when we reconciled i deleted my facebook page. He did too. We were supposed to start fresh. Byt i never ever cheated on him. WTF!! we were seperated he cheated on me. 

And the other thing is that when we r alone and i basically pull his teeth he finally admits his wrongdoing but when he tries to pull some sh*t like today he says he never cheated and im nuts. That he did the same thing I did....OMG guys i dont know what to believe anymore. 

I feel so alone even though im not. IIm afraid to listen to anyone because im not sure of the decisions im making. I want my marriage but not like this. It was an intense fight. Im tired Im drained. 

I called him just a few minutes ago and he kept on defending himself saying our fight was out of hand because i called my mom. He cant even admit he started blameshifting for no reason and ontop of it with a blatant lie!! I never called anyone so his friend and his lie fell apart infront of his feet. OMG guys im so devastated i feel so stupid. I tried to save a marriage that wasn't salvagable. I tried so hard to fix things i didnt even do. He tries so hard to make me look as bad as he did. Why?? Im so sad. My kids have been in hell for nothing. Nothing. I have nothing. No car. no money. nothing. nothing. and he will surely cut me off like he did last time. Im so stupid. I hate myself because im so indesicive. URRRGH I FEEL SO STUPID> !!!!

Is this normal? how was it for you guys when you finally said enough and divorced??


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

When you are really truly tired of it all, and you know nothing left to try, then you will know its time to walk away and not look back.


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> When you are really truly tired of it all, and you know nothing left to try, then you will know its time to walk away and not look back.


CallaLily (my favorite flower btw ) I wish it were simple. I just dont want to damage my children in the process of trying everything. Im so fed up and so tired. So so tired. My brain is about to blow, my emotions are out of control, my stree is thru the roof and all because of his insecurities. I am being punished for every bad thing anyone else has done to him. I feel like God is punishing me because I made a commitment under God to this man and here I am constantly being tested, constantly having to tread on water with him. Im tired.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

mishu143 said:


> CallaLily (my favorite flower btw ) I wish it were simple. I just dont want to damage my children in the process of trying everything. Im so fed up and so tired. So so tired. My brain is about to blow, my emotions are out of control, my stree is thru the roof and all because of his insecurities. I am being punished for every bad thing anyone else has done to him. I feel like God is punishing me because I made a commitment under God to this man and here I am constantly being tested, constantly having to tread on water with him. Im tired.


Unfortunately, there is already some damage thats been done to them by what they see, and hear in their environment. They will further be damaged IMO if you stay.


----------



## moonstone999 (Jul 11, 2012)

Mishu143, your husband sounds like a classic bully! He sounds like he gets his jollies from throwing his weight around. Bullies also tend to love the power struggle, which they think they'll win in the end.

If you choose to stay with this guy, any chance you can open a bank account, put it your name, and put hubby on an allowance? (Turn the tables on him a little bit......)


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Thank you moonstone. I have though about it but because his paychecks are in his name we cant have them deposited into an account in my name. Ive tried it all regarding our money issues. He just doesnt get i t and Im am at the point where i am just going to protect myself and my children and let him crash and burn. I figure it the only way he will learn this valuable lesson. 

I keep trying to explain to him that we live in a country where money is power. We need it to thrive and im sick and tired of worrying about it. I pay the bills and whatever is left over is up to him to manage. If he spends it all before the the next check than too bad. He doesnt have gas money to get to work and instead of realizing im right and its time to grow up he just borrows from his friends which in turn puts us in a bigger hole. 

I just feel like I am constantly *****ing and I dont like who i am. I am trying so hard and trying to do the right thing by trying to control m y emotions but he makes it impossible!!! It like I married a teenager.


----------



## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Omg...please get out. I grew up in a home where the fighting was horrible. It damaged me, and I believe, caused lots of the issues I faced as an adult. My parents finally divorced when I was 17, but it left me scarred for a lifetime.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

to tennisstar, two years later and im doing it. Im out. I wish I had not waited so long. I really am trying to figure it all out and im scared but I should have left a long time ago.


----------

