# Mature Enough for marriage??



## ac21 (Jul 23, 2011)

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 years, and are considering marriage. There are so many things I appreciate about him. He has many characteristics that I look for in the man I would like my husband to be. However, like everyone in this world, he has flaws. My major concern is if he is mature enough to make such a commitment. For example, last night I asked him to write all the things he expects in his wife, all the things that are deal breakers for him, and his personal goals for 2 and 5 years down the road. I don't think I was being unreasonable by making this request. I want to do this so I can be sure we are on the same page about everything before I make a life long commitment to him and God. He thought the idea was dumb. He said he would do it, but he made a huge fuss about how childish it is to write letters to each other, and how we're not in high school anymore. This makes me worried that he won't take things that are important to me seriously. I just want to improve our relationship in anyway possible so that our marriage starts off on the right track.. Could this be a red flag for problems down the road, or am I being too sensitive? Thank you for taking the time to read...


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## RitaRee (Jun 9, 2011)

I think your request--to write a list of expectations--is very wise, and would recommend it to relationships who see themselves potentially getting married in the future, which is the boat you're in right now.

It concerns me that he doesn't see the value in synchronizing compatibilities and goals. 

To me, this IS a red flag. Anyone who's serious about getting married to someone wants to know how much they're investing into. If your boyfriend sees these as unimportant--when you're both still single--can you imagine how much worse things will be when your ideas are no longer in theory, but are concrete?


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## ac21 (Jul 23, 2011)

That is definitely how I see it as well. All I would like to do by writing these expectations down is put all my cards on the table. I don't want there to be any surprises after the deed is done. I think this is where my parents failed and I want to keep from repeating their mistakes. My parents lost their emotional connection because my father was unwilling to communicate. I think this issue might he a deal breaker for me. I love him so much, but his childish and close minded attitude towards things that require a little effort is not going to cut it in a marriage.... Thank you for your reply.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Maybe its the actual writing "letters" part that's causing the issue. Would he be willing to just have a discussion about it. Maybe go to pre marital counseling....you discuss all those topics there with the counsler on hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

The red flag for me is where he called your idea "dumb" and "childish". That to me screams immaturity.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Scroll down and read my post (#9) for things I personally feel and will teach my children to know - with no questioning at all about "compatability" before they take the marital plunge. If any of these present red flags, could be some murky waters ahead. Not that all marraiges are bliss, just KNOW who you are marrying and ALL of HIS WAYS, make sure you can handle what you are getting yourself into, don't let LOVE Blind you. 

Communication is a HUGE one. Immaturity could present many problems down the road in how he deals with life. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/28208-no-man-island-still-true.html


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## heron_inthewater (Jul 23, 2011)

I don't see this so much as immaturity as I do that he won't consider your needs reasonably. 

If there are things that are important to you, it does NOT matter how maturity (or not) another person is if they blow them off. It goes for anything-- if the attitude of the other person is to look down on it, blow it off, be resentful, or anything negative that is a warning sign. You obviously asked this because you want to see if your life goals are in sync somehow, but he doesn't see the need. I see a problem with this because if you are a goals-based person, and this is how you express it, he needs to somehow acknowledge it even if he does not agree. 

I will give your bf the benefit of the doubt and urge you to pick his brain on this more. Ask him the real reason why he thinks it's stupid. Ask him if it makes him uncomfortable, or anything else, and why. 

Here is what is funny-- my husband likes to write goals for the future, but many of them get changed or never get fulfilled as time goes on. However, I choose not to hound him about it because it's what he needs to do for him, so I go along with it and respect that it's a part of his personality.


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