# I moved out a month ago



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

Hi all,

I posted over a year ago about the core issues in my marriage. Ever since that last post, I felt like we were finally finding a balance in our relationship and we didn’t have major issues.

Some updates are:
-I started grad school and became very busy with both a new job position and school.
-Being in the new house was nice and we tried to bond a little more as a couple and go on some date night around town here and there.
-My husband progressively stopped hanging out with his police friends and spent more time at home.

The current issues:

I felt like everything was on my plate. Before and during the pandemic I did almost everything at the house since he was working way more than me. After we moved to the new house, the house was bigger, I had to work in person which is a 2.5 hour commute for me every day. And I was going to grad school. But despite all of this, most of the house chores were on me. I didn’t think it was fair.

I had felt very disrespected since it happened more than once that my husband wouldn’t talk about some important things with me but then he would do it with other people like his dad or his friends. Example: He was applying for a new job and I asked him how he felt about the hiring process and if he thought he would get the job. He said he had a good feeling about it but didn’t want to talk about it until he was certain he would get the job. I understood and was ok with him not sharing. A few days later we go to see his good friend and they immediately started talking about the new job and my husband shares with him every single detail about the process and why he thought they would hire him. I can’t explain how I felt.

- We went to spend a week in a different state at his friend’s house and it turned out not being fun at all. His friend and his wife have 3 little children and had a hard time leaving the house because of the children. I tried to help as a could and my husband focused on playing video games with his friend. I started to feel very angry and frustrated because I put myself in a situation he would never put himself into for me.

After the trip, I talked to him about all of this. I talked about lack of meaningful communication between us, how I felt there was no partnership and we were not working as a team and I informed him that I was going to stop making sacrifices for him. Like go to places I didn’t want to go just to be there for him. Why? Because he never did it for me.

The day I moved out:

My friend invited us to her baby shower. I asked him if he would come with me and his initial answer was no. I said, fine. But I won’t go to your friend’s wedding in October. He said, what do you mean? They’re expecting us both. I said well, I never agreed to it. I don’t want to go and I won’t go. I explained that marriage had to be give and take and he said yes you’re right, I’ll go to the baby shower.

We talked a few times about the baby shower and he was ok with going. Even the day before. However, the day of the event he woke up in a bad mood. He started saying that guys didn’t go to baby showers and asking if he really needed to go. I said, my friend already thinks you’re going but if you don’t want to go then fine, just stay. As we’re on our way there, he continues to say how he was forced to go there because of my presence at the wedding bla bla bla. After 30 minutes, he says he’ll pull over and get out of the car and that I can continue driving and he’ll find his way home. Like a little child throwing a fit. I was so sad and mad but I said ok. When he’s parking I started tearing up and he says, never mind. I’ll go with you. I said. Get out of my car. He insisted he would come and I just wanted him to leave my car. I didn’t want to be close to him because I felt like I needed alone time to cry and feel better. I had decided that I wasn’t going either because I was an emotional mess at the moment. He got very frustrated and started screaming “then we’re f* getting a divorce over this? .. yeah, baby, let’s f* do it. That’s all I wanted any way……” while he’s punching his feast. That’s when I new I had to leave this man. I felt unsafe and scared.

It’s been a month since I left the house. I’ve rented a place and I go to my house to see my cat every weekend. So I get to see him as well sometimes. We have friendly interactions but don’t talk about our issues.

when we talk about our issues it’s usually via text. He went from I won’t go to therapy to I’ll do whatever it takes to have you back. I finally found a therapist but they adviced that I do individual therapy first since it needs to be a safe place for me to talk and the whole reason I left the house was because I didn’t feel safe. So they don’t want him there sitting next to me. I informed him about this individual therapy and he says great. Hopefully you’ll feel ready to come back soon.

I’d love to hear your opinions …


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Sorry to here this. There are going to be people coming along soon who have great wisdom and advice to hopefully help you cope.
The only thing I will say is that it seems he's willing to do what it takes, so long as it suits him. Use the time with the therapist wisely. Take the time you need to figure out who you are and what it is you want and need in a relationship, no matter who it's with. Relax, do things that make you feel good about you. Look in the mirror and love who you see! Your an original, the one and only you. You deserve as much happiness in your life as any other person does. Be safe and peace be with you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I wouldn’t go back but sounds like you would if you felt he had changed. But keep in mind it’s easy to change temporarily. Changing permanently is another story


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is no mystery here at all.

You two are simply not compatible, and never will be.

You seem more domestically inclined, he is not.

You want to do everything as a couple, he does not.

I get him not wanting to go the baby shower, that is a lady thing.
But, if it was important to you, he should have gone and had a good time.
It likely would have been over in a hour and a half.

You acted out of place when you visited his friend who has small children.
You took your own frustration out on him in that instance.

You should have stayed in a hotel, and had lunch or dinner, (somewhere nice) in between visits to the friends place.
Yes, you could have suggested that, though he could have, also.

Remember, someday you may have little children and you will have to entertain guests at the same time.
No, not with this husband!

It is part of life that most everyone must go through.

He is definitely unreasonable, not compatible with you.
But, you sound set in your ways, also.

Get an amicable divorce.

There is no need to make it out to be more than it is....
A bad pair-up.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Sorry to here this. There are going to be people coming along soon who have great wisdom and advice to hopefully help you cope.
> The only thing I will say is that it seems he's willing to do what it takes, so long as it suits him. Use the time with the therapist wisely. Take the time you need to figure out who you are and what it is you want and need in a relationship, no matter who it's with. Relax, do things that make you feel good about you. Look in the mirror and love who you see! Your an original, the one and only you. You deserve as much happiness in your life as any other person does. Be safe and peace be with you.


 Thank you so much. I appreciate your words.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I wouldn’t go back but sounds like you would if you felt he had changed. But keep in mind it’s easy to change temporarily. Changing permanently is another story


Thank you! I know. I am 100% sure I don’t want to go back to the same relationship but it’s hard to think we will no longer be together. I just wish he was more present and invested in our marriage. I don’t know. I guess going to therapy will help me figure out many things.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> There is no mystery here at all.
> 
> You two are simply not compatible, and never will be.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. Yes, I understood the friends’ situation with the children. Believe me, I spent a lot of time with those kids as I was trying to help out and be nice. I just became frustrated because it was no one’s fault but I just started to think. Wooo, why am I here? If it was the opposite scenario he would have said no from minute 1 when I say we’ll stay at someone else’s house with their children. That’s when I decided I was going to stop making sacrifices that he would never do for me. And that’s what led to me saying no to the upcoming wedding when he said he wouldn’t make the sacrifice to show up with me at the baby shower. Which as you said, was going to last just a couple hours.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Danhuqui07 said:


> Thank you so much. I appreciate your words.


Your welcome and sincerely meant.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

i hope you will think about this sincerely, as i am not sticking up for your husband.

many times, unhappiness and the issues you describe aren't the "real" issue. but what does happen is the unhappy spouse perceives these events in such a fashion as they seem to be the source of the problem.

even worse, projection kicks in (for example, I'm going to stop doing X because they wouldn't do that for me) that doesn't have a basis in fact or reality. sure, there is a chance you could be right about your prediction, but there is a chance you could be wrong as well. i call it being spiteful when one acts on predictions instead of facts.

then people go ***** and complain to their friends about their spouse.....while only hearing ONE side of the story, who go on and cheer lead them to unrealistic expectations or conclusions......its even possible that could happen here as sadly this forum hardly ever gets to hear the other side.

i guess what i am saying is i would tread lightly here with your marriage. its human nature to be able to remember every wrong he has ever done you and yet blatantly forget the good he has brough to the relationship. i would seek serious counselling, for you individually and together. our perceptions can be wildly off base.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

I think your marital partner needs some assistance in dealing with himself and his selfishness - or whatever it is.
You posted a couple of incidents that illustrate you don't "rate" as much as his friends. To me - that is unacceptable - Wife should be #1 Friend!!!

It bothers me you have to commute 2.5 hours (one way?) and also shoulder the majority of house work?
I am fairly certain a vacuum works the same whether the hand holding it is boy or girl type. Ditto for washing machine. Ditto again for cooking and kitchen cleaning.

People can change if the WANT to. Your husband? Does even have an inkling in what he needs to change?

Demand more respect from him!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Danhuqui07 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I posted over a year ago about the core issues in my marriage. Ever since that last post, I felt like we were finally finding a balance in our relationship and we didn’t have major issues.
> 
> ...


Hi OP,
I went back and read your other thread for context, so here's my unvarnished opinion. I don't think you two are compatible in what your idea of marriage is and you're fighting against each other for the upperhand instead of fighting together against the world. 

Your husband seems very selfish, conflict avoidant and passive-aggressive. It seems like he's only happy when things are going the way he wants and he doesn't care to make compromises. Do you think he fell in love with you because he thought you'd be more accommodating to his desires?

I'm asking, b/c I also am a naturalized American, who did the whole long-distance thing, ironically for school as well, although we didn't marry until I was done. My ex was also a gamer, but I gamed with him until I stopped to focus on other things. 

Have you guys ever sat down and talked about what marriage means to each of you? What exactly does he want from it, how he expects daily life to be? It sounds heavily unbalanced in his favor, and quite frankly, I can't see any appeal whatsoever about him as a husband. 

I'm all for giving it your best shot, but until you two can meet halfway, it's not sustainable to be carrying him on your back like a donkey. If he's so attached to living the single life, he can do that without you making life cushy for him.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

I’m sorry I just don’t see this ever working out you both want different things. And therapy is great but I doubt it will change him long term. Maybe enough to get you back and then slip back.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

x598 said:


> i hope you will think about this sincerely, as i am not sticking up for your husband.
> 
> many times, unhappiness and the issues you describe aren't the "real" issue. but what does happen is the unhappy spouse perceives these events in such a fashion as they seem to be the source of the problem.
> 
> ...


I get your point. And I’ve tried to be as objective as I can because I like to be fair. I know he’s a great person but some things he does just don’t make sense. He needs to show he cares and he doesn’t. It’s almost like he lacks common sense when it comes to some basic things. What do you think about this? Last weekend I was going to go see my cat and he said hey, can you get here early so that we can spend time together before I go to work? My shift starts at 4:00pm. I said ok, and I got there at 1. He does not talk to me at all, falls asleep on the couch and leaves by 2:30. I asked him today why he left earlier than expected and he said. “Oh, I just went to the gym” why did he ask me to he there early then? I'm so confused...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’d like to think that this could be salvageable but your husband just doesn’t get it. I’m not sure if he doesn’t care or doesn’t get it. Either isn’t great if you’re trying to make your marriage work. I would keep reflecting on if this is what you want your life to look like, because it doesn’t seem like he really understands marriage or partnership.

I’d likely move on. It seems like this would get very mentally exhausting after a while.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

ShatteredKat said:


> I think your marital partner needs some assistance in dealing with himself and his selfishness - or whatever it is.
> You posted a couple of incidents that illustrate you don't "rate" as much as his friends. To me - that is unacceptable - Wife should be #1 Friend!!!
> 
> It bothers me you have to commute 2.5 hours (one way?) and also shoulder the majority of house work?
> ...


Yeah, it can be very frustrating. That's not what I expected when we moved there and I told him from the beginning that we would have to start team working when it came to the house chores. Obviously it did not happen. He always had some excuse. Since we had different schedules and shifts I was off on his work days and If I asked for help with something he would do something quick but then he would say “I need to go to work later today. I'm gonna be tired” so I just decided to do it on my own. But he also didn't do much when I was at work and he had the day off. Sometimes I would go to work, go grocery shopping, and drive for 1.5 hours to get home on his day off while he was playing games all day long. He would usually mow the lawn once in a while, he would vacuum the house if I asked him to. He started “making the bed” 5 minutes before I got home to avoid a fight. That's it. When I asked him to start going grocery shopping he was not happy.

My commute used to be 2.5 hours in total. Not just one way.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Hi OP,
> I went back and read your other thread for context, so here's my unvarnished opinion. I don't think you two are compatible in what your idea of marriage is and you're fighting against each other for the upperhand instead of fighting together against the world.
> 
> Your husband seems very selfish, conflict avoidant and passive-aggressive. It seems like he's only happy when things are going the way he wants and he doesn't care to make compromises. Do you think he fell in love with you because he thought you'd be more accommodating to his desires?
> ...


Thanks for reading both threads. Honestly, I don't know what changed. Not sure if it was work or something else but he used to be a nice teammate when we were dating. We would cook together, we would run errands together and just be there for each other. When we have the conversation about marriage he says his ideal marriage is a place where both people understand that life is busy and hard and they are ok with spending independent time but also have fun when they can. He says he needs someone who is able to forgive him when he makes mistakes because he's not perfect and someone who is loyal and caring. And I like that description but I don't think it's 100% accurate. How come life is so busy but you still manage to play videos games for hours and hours? Nothing wrong with having a hobby but hey, I need a teammate! How come the important events we should go to together are his? For mine, I can just use some independent time and go by myself. I know no one is perfect and people will make mistakes but you can't make the same mistake over and over and pretend there will be no consequences. No one will be happy and loving when they start building resentment because the other person is never there for them.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

BURNT KEP said:


> I’m sorry I just don’t see this ever working out you both want different things. And therapy is great but I doubt it will change him long term. Maybe enough to get you back and then slip back.


I think you're right! We met at a local restaurant the other day and the conversation just went in circles. He doesn't get it. He says the more he thinks about it he does not understand why I made such a big deal out of such a small issue. Yeah, he yelled. But was it enough for me to leave the house and put my family in this situation? And why do I keep bringing up other issues? Why haven't I come back home? He's mentally drained and is questioning if he should really build his life with someone who will run out every time there's a small problem.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I’d like to think that this could be salvageable but your husband just doesn’t get it. I’m not sure if he doesn’t care or doesn’t get it. Either isn’t great if you’re trying to make your marriage work. I would keep reflecting on if this is what you want your life to look like, because it doesn’t seem like he really understands marriage or partnership.
> 
> I’d likely move on. It seems like this would get very mentally exhausting after a while.


Yes, sadly I think he just doesn't get it. He's doing nothing to win me back but he's still frustrated because I haven't gone back. And yeah, it's mentally exhausting. I don't think I can live like that.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

So, has he gone to therapy or had any constructive suggestions? Aside from the fact that h just doesn't get it, a potential issue I see here would be you losing respect for him due his lack of leadership and willingness to act. 

I'm really sorry, Danhuqui07, but you can't do everything yourself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, a lot of people cease to make much effort after they've married. A lot of what you're describing is what I got from my ex....why was I making a big deal over nothing/how could I just throw every away. Of course my ex also had an ex gf on the side, but even without that he had little interest in the things that bothered me. It was far more important thar he not be uncomfortable.

Your hb doesn't get to decide what's a big deal and what's not. What if you cut of sex and told him it's a small thing so what's the problem? He's just not that invested in being married. True he likes the benefits of having you around to do stuff but beyond that its not worth much effort to him.

Given his reactions I agree with others that you're incompatible. His idea of marriage and yours don't mesh.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> So, has he gone to therapy or had any constructive suggestions? Aside from the fact that h just doesn't get it, a potential issue I see here would be you losing respect for him due his lack of leadership and willingness to act.
> 
> I'm really sorry, Danhuqui07, but you can't do everything yourself.


No. He said therapy wasn't going to change him and that he was the only one that could do that. He said he was going to work on communicating with me because he thought it was a big part of the issue. That's why last weekend I went there early to try to spend time with him and see if he would communicate but it didn't happen. He fell asleep on the couch and then he said he had to go to work 2 hours earlier than expected. It turns out he had to go earlier because he decided it was a good idea to go to the gym before work. Even though he knew the only reason for me to be there earlier was him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you go back you need to remember that life is always going to be about him and what he wants. You keep trying and he keeps blaming. That’s just how it is.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Danhuqui07 said:


> No. He said therapy wasn't going to change him and that he was the only one that could do that. He said he was going to work on communicating with me because he thought it was a big part of the issue. That's why last weekend I went there early to try to spend time with him and see if he would communicate but it didn't happen. He fell asleep on the couch and then he said he had to go to work 2 hours earlier than expected. It turns out he had to go earlier because he decided it was a good idea to go to the gym before work. Even though he knew the only reason for me to be there earlier was him.


Yeah, he sounds like he had no plans to do a damned thing. If you want kids, think about the timeliness of that. Unless you want to be a single mother, you have some decisions to make.

What is he bringing to the table? Because he doesn't sound particularly appealing as a partner. Is he great in the sack, or something?


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

I'd like to give an update. I went to see the therapist and after listening to my story she said this could be considered as mental abuse. Which was uncomfortable for me to hear. I had a conversation with my husband and told him about it and of course he thought it was ridiculous. That conversation with him just didn't go well... The next day, he called me and said he thought even though he felt we were going in circles every time we talked, he thought we had the same core values to fight for our marriage and that if I agreed, he'd like to start fresh, start hanging out and focus on fulfilling the other person's needs. I don't know how to feel about it. Even though that is what I need, I feel like that's something I would have liked to hear 6 weeks ago and I don't know. I just feel like every time I'm ready to turn the page, he shows up again. What do you guys think?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Danhuqui07 said:


> I'd like to give an update. I went to see the therapist and after listening to my story she said this could be considered as mental abuse. Which was uncomfortable for me to hear. I had a conversation with my husband and told him about it and of course he thought it was ridiculous. That conversation with him just didn't go well... The next day, he called me and said he thought even though he felt we were going in circles every time we talked, he thought we had the same core values to fight for our marriage and that if I agreed, he'd like to start fresh, start hanging out and focus on fulfilling the other person's needs. I don't know how to feel about it. Even though that is what I need, I feel like that's something I would have liked to hear 6 weeks ago and I don't know. I just feel like every time I'm ready to turn the page, he shows up again. What do you guys think?


Do you believe him? Or do you think it is just more of the same, and he will slip back into old habits soon enough?

A key thing you said is this “_That’s when I new I had to leave this man. I felt unsafe and scared_.”

Unsafe and scared.

And now he’s pulling you back into that.

I’m having trouble believing him. He just wants this to go away, same as the baby shower when he agreed to go. But as soon as work is required from him, you’ll feel unsafe and scared again.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

my comment is not on clinical level, it's my personal opinion

you love your husband but he needs therapy

refer to personal therapy

he didn't come to your friend's party, you went to his friend's house and he played a game, no contribution at home

he is not in the capacity to abuse, he has traumas from his childhood for which his family is responsible

His personality is not bad, he wants to do something with you, he does not know how to do it and his fears cause him to give meaningless reactions.

it will take a long time and it will be difficult

If you still support and want, you can do something good together.

simpler to leave and focus on yourself,

the decision is yours


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you know is that he doesn’t want a divorce. What you don’t know is whether he is capable of doing the work that’s necessary on your marriage. It’s up to you how much more time — if any — you’re willing to invest in what may ultimately be a dead end.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

Openminded said:


> What you know is that he doesn’t want a divorce. What you don’t know is whether he is capable of doing the work that’s necessary on your marriage. It’s up to you how much more time — if any — you’re willing to invest in what may ultimately be a dead end.


Thank you


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

bygone said:


> my comment is not on clinical level, it's my personal opinion
> 
> you love your husband but he needs therapy
> 
> ...


I've thought about this many times. Thank you so much for sharing your opinion.


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## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Do you believe him? Or do you think it is just more of the same, and he will slip back into old habits soon enough?
> 
> A key thing you said is this “_That’s when I new I had to leave this man. I felt unsafe and scared_.”
> 
> ...


Thank you! Your comment helped me see things from a more realistic perspective.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

Danhuqui07 said:


> I'd like to give an update. I went to see the therapist and after listening to my story she said this could be considered as mental abuse. Which was uncomfortable for me to hear. I had a conversation with my husband and told him about it and of course he thought it was ridiculous. That conversation with him just didn't go well... The next day, he called me and said he thought even though he felt we were going in circles every time we talked, he thought we had the same core values to fight for our marriage and that if I agreed, he'd like to start fresh, start hanging out and focus on fulfilling the other person's needs. I don't know how to feel about it. Even though that is what I need, I feel like that's something I would have liked to hear 6 weeks ago and I don't know. I just feel like every time I'm ready to turn the page, he shows up again. What do you guys think?


Sorry you are having such a hard time. The only positive in this is that you are not trapped into the situation more permanently as you would be if you had children.

I wanted to add something to the discussion that is more practical-based. Seems you have an issue with him not doing his share of the chores round the house. I read a book in college called “The Second Shift”. It drastically altered my idea of how a marriage should work. 
Anyway, this is what I got out of the book. I always heard my working mom complain that my dad didn’t do enough “to help with the housework”. This is a phrase that is frequently heard. What the phrase implies is that house work is the responsibility of the wife, irregardless of whether she works outside the home. It was found that working wives put in way more hours than husbands when household work hours were included. 
How it changed my viewpoint: when a couple sets up a home together the responsibility for care of the home is 50/50, unless one party is not working. Therefore, one should stop asking their husband to “help more around the house”. Help what???? There should be no “asking for help around the house”. Instead, it should be a request for the spouse to do their 50% share of household chores. I believe that when the husband of a working wife does not do their 50% share, this causes marital problems as the wife resents it and is tired from shouldering the greater responsibility.
Instead of just trying to get him to go to counseling and change how he communicates, perhaps you could also tell him you expect him to do 50% of the household work. Then, get a schedule to divide the work evenly. Ask him if he is willing to commit to doing that work. If he is not and you want to continue to advance your career, keep in mind that he will not be supportive in that he is actually requiring you to take on an unfair share of the burden that you could otherwise be spending on your career. 
Of note is that creating a scheduled divide of chores on paper is something tangible that you can ask him to commit to. As others have said, I am not sure any changes he makes In regards to communication, gettin counseling, or developing your relationship will be permanent. IMO, if he wants to see you succeed, he will be willing to commit to doing 50% of the household chores. The way I view it is that if you are more successful, it brings more moneyinto the household and you both benefit. But, maybe his priority will be keeping as much free time as he can for himself. On a side note is if that is the case, he would likely not be a very good parent.


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