# woman in affair has got the good husbands ?



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

reading through TAM for a long time now .

I noticed that men here who complained that the wife has affairs seem ( or at least according to their post ) to have husbands who are good providers and fathers and husbands , yet they had affairs .

In one post , I remembered a man commented that he should learn how the abusive man abused the wife and the wife took the sh!t for years .

Is there a correlation here ?

I happened to have an A8s for a husband who financially and physically abused me and who drinks and goes on porn . Anyway he is ex now .

Just reviewing for list of qualities for the future man in my life . before I explore dating .

So I should date a Mr Nice Man , never mind he is not my "type" . since I got the wrong "type" the last time ?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The preverbial "nice guy" isn't so sexy and "nice guys" try to "nice guy" their wives out of affairs. 

Which means there isn't much consequence to having an affair, and isn't much keeping them sexually attracted to their husband.

Doesn't seem like rocket science to me.

You should date a nice guy who also turns you on. Not the false, passive aggressive people-pleasing "nice guy."

I've been that guy, and he wasn't actually nice to be around at all.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Hmmmmmmm

see , in single days , quiet nice guys who like me were so courteous , nice , who talk slowly and has nothing too much to talk about so I usually had to do the talking . they are pleasant , not fun and hence , I find them boring .

well , I married a different kind of guy and wham !!! ( read why in earlier post ) , I am divorced and feeding my two kids . 

Not that I am regretting as regretting doesnt turn back the clock for me . But I am just reviewing now that i am stable , emotionally , what are the qualities I should look for in a man , a good man , to love and grow old with , without another heartbreak .

Reviewing my past , I broke up with my college bf and broke his heart because he was really nice and loving and ..... boring ..... cant do this cant do that ..........I was 20 !!!!!

At 27 , there is a nice guy , who talks with me leading the conversation and asking questions as he was really quiet . OMG and he is wealthy and decent looking , how dumb and stupid can I get ? I didnt get on second date with him , thinking he is really boring and not much dress sense ( honestly , really bad , dress like an old man at 27 ) . No , he is not people pleaser . In fact , he was quietly assertive to the lawyers we were working with . He was just really gentle and sweet to me . ( feel like banging my head on the wall now as i type !!!!!)

Then I went the other direction and had an As8hole bf who double timed me and I left immediately .

Then I married my ex , seemingly pursuing me hot and steamy . Disaster .

Going forward now , I am telling myself i should go back to the Mr Nice and quiet , Mr not talk too much - i will do the talking , Mr provider , Mr silent n boring kind of guy . My looks belonged to that category , although I am actually open and playful and crazy , so it is not difficult to attract Mr Nice guy .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

and I noticed in all the stories here that the affair women always seem to have husbands who had provided well such that they had time for affairs .

unlike working mums who provide and working their as8 off ( like myself ) since the husbands are as8 who dont provide . Frankly that leaves us with no time or energy for affairs .


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

tripad said:


> reading through TAM for a long time now .
> 
> I noticed that men here who complained that the wife has affairs seem ( or at least according to their post ) to have husbands who are good providers and fathers and husbands , yet they had affairs .
> 
> ...


I suspect that a lot of the instances like this really come about because each spouse thinks they are living up to what marriage is but they really have differing views on what marriage is supposed to be.

We see this a lot on TAM with differing views of marriage. Many abide by the provider/housewife notion while many do not. Often the husband and wife have a disconnect on what marriage is to each other. Some want equal partners while others want leaders and supporters. There is nothing wrong with this as long as the husband and wife share the same view. But unfortunately this is not always the case. We frequently hear the lament from husbands that they are great providers but their wife's don't appreciate them. While from wives we frequently hear about a lack of affection while their husband spends too much time working too much. And each think it's a problem with the spouse but each may be doing exactly what they think they are supposed to according to their view on marriage. 

So their attitude towards marriage which differs from their spouse is the source of their discontent not necessarily their spouse as they may think. 

So when you begin dating again and if it become serious make sure your views on marriage mesh with your partners.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Women want two men.

They want a beta male to provide for them and their offspring.

They want an alpha male to excite and inseminate them.


A man who is successful with women learns to develop qualities of both alpha and beta, balance each, and apply more of one quality or the other depending on circumstances.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

tripad said:


> reading through TAM for a long time now .
> 
> I noticed that men here who complained that the wife has affairs seem ( or at least according to their post ) to have husbands who are good providers and fathers and husbands , yet they had affairs .
> 
> ...


I think that is a false choice nice guy v. jerk...I think you need to find a GOOD MAN - there are men who can talk your ears off, be fun and also be stable, loving and a good partner. If you date or marry a guy who is a "nice guy" but does not turn you on very much you are asking for trouble down the line. 

First you need to do some serious introspection and figure out why you chose the jerks you did - once you figure that out then try to look for a partner from there. Don't just assume becuase a guy is supersweet or quiet that there is nothing else going on there. You know what they say its the quiet ones you have to watch. 

In my experience with being and knowing a lot of men - it was the "quiet ones" who did stuff - the men who walk around bragging and threatening to do this or that usually were big zeroes.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Haha

To me alpha is to be reliable n provide n the sex (grin) . 

Honestly , not that i need the man to provide . I feed myself n my children well single handedly . Just that , it makes me feel good he feeds me , you know , the cave man brings the meat home .


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My exH didn't provide anything. I worked full time, overtime when available, had two kids under 5, was responsible for all of the household chores, all of the childcare unless they were at the sitter (the ex wouldn't watch them while I worked), all household and auto repairs, and all bill payment. I still had multiple affairs. 

My DH provides financially. I do everything else as a SAHM. And I've been faithful to him for 15 years.

The difference for me is that I like my DH as a person, love him as a man, and am physically attracted to him. So, despite all the time in the world, I don't cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You've explained it yourself.

You're attracted to men that treat you badly.

Figure that out, and the rest will happen naturally. But you can't force attraction; you can only understand it.

And there are such things as men that are responsible, nice, and yet dangerous and bad boy enough to rock your world.

You know, the guy known as "a good man."


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Constable Odo said:


> Women want two men.
> 
> They want a beta male to provide for them and their offspring.
> 
> ...


And this is why married game is the hardest type.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

tripad said:


> and I noticed in all the stories here that the affair women always seem to have husbands who had provided well such that they had time for affairs .
> 
> unlike working mums who provide and working their as8 off ( like myself ) since the husbands are as8 who dont provide . Frankly that leaves us with no time or energy for affairs .


It is unclear what you want. It almost sounds like you want either

1. An affair
2. To be a free loader.

I don't think that is what you are meaning.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

I suggest you read the book "Attached". It teaches you how to find the proper mate. There are 3 types of relationship personalities: Avoidant, Anxious, and Secure. You need to find a Secure guy. These guys are good guys! Supportive, loving, open - find one you find sexy and you will have it made for life.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Marduk 

I am not attracted to bad guys 

I tried a different type .

One bf was bad .

I learned .

My ex was a good guy but he fake it . Abuser in sheep skin . His friend didnt believe he abused me . My gf was shocked .


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It sounds like a commonality for women to seek a nice guy after an abusive relationship. It is a natural response.

The danger in this is that the nice guy is the opposite side of the same coin of an abusive man. Not saying nice guys are abusive, but they are an extreme end of the pendulum...and are an unhealthy choice as well. 

You want to find a balanced man who has traits that attract and excite you yet also is loving, secure, and stable. But the hard truth is...you may never stumble across a man like this until you properly process your hurts and wounds concerning your own past. Abusive men will always surface to be the exciting guy you can maybe fix "this time"....and nice guys will always surface who will appease and attend to you but you will never respect and be repulsed by.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

technovelist said:


> Constable Odo said:
> 
> 
> > Women want two men.
> ...


...and why married betas should always paternity test any offspring... but that's a different thread.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

marduk said:


> You've explained it yourself.
> 
> You're attracted to men that treat you badly.
> 
> ...


Ok

Will look for the good quiet guy but "dangerous " enough to rock my world ( bedroom perhaps ) ? 

:-D


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > and I noticed in all the stories here that the affair women always seem to have husbands who had provided well such that they had time for affairs .
> ...


Read the rest .

No to 1 and i dont need to be 2 a free loader . 

My ex doesn't provide . So maybe it should be to prevent a free loader


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

ToothFairy said:


> I suggest you read the book "Attached". It teaches you how to find the proper mate. There are 3 types of relationship personalities: Avoidant, Anxious, and Secure. You need to find a Secure guy. These guys are good guys! Supportive, loving, open - find one you find sexy and you will have it made for life.


Good 

Hope it teaches how to identify one


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> It sounds like a commonality for women to seek a nice guy after an abusive relationship. It is a natural response.
> 
> The danger in this is that the nice guy is the opposite side of the same coin of an abusive man. Not saying nice guys are abusive, but they are an extreme end of the pendulum...and are an unhealthy choice as well.
> 
> You want to find a balanced man who has traits that attract and excite you yet also is loving, secure, and stable. But the hard truth is...you may never stumble across a man like this until you properly process your hurts and wounds concerning your own past. Abusive men will always surface to be the exciting guy you can maybe fix "this time"....and nice guys will always surface who will appease and attend to you but you will never respect and be repulsed by.


You just nail it 

As mentioned a few post earlier , my ex is a quiet guy but turn out to be abusive , financially and physically , and manipulative . 
No way i will want to "fix" anyone . Never had the intention . 

Ex only became a problem that need fixing after i was in love n about to marry him . My mistake was not to leave but sink further . 

After kids , his problems got worse n i was trapped . 

PD was my counsellor's guess . 

Looking for the "balanced loving man "so trying to understand where how to find and identify or to prevent another fake .


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Good, decent men are the way to go IME but before you even start to consider dating perhaps some internal review is required. If you are not capable of finding or choosing a decent man then maybe the problem is with you.

And your generalisations about who does and doesn't have affairs sort of shows you really are not clued up on human beings. As soon as someone starts talking in such generalisations it shows they do not understand people all that well, if you don't understand others then odds are you have little self realisation as well.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Holland said:


> Good, decent men are the way to go IME but before you even start to consider dating perhaps some internal review is required. If you are not capable of finding or choosing a decent man then maybe the problem is with you.
> 
> And your generalisations about who does and doesn't have affairs sort of shows you really are not clued up on human beings. As soon as someone starts talking in such generalisations it shows they do not understand people all that well, if you don't understand others then odds are you have little self realisation as well.


Already mentioned it's general observation based on post here .

Already mentioned reviewing things before dating but not dating yet .

Duh ? 

Your text doesnt help.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

My brother always told me to treat them like xxxx and they will stick around. I never understood that I just figured he was wrong. Here we are 25 years later and he has never had an issue with a woman like I have. It seems to me he might have been right. 

Its a little to late for me I am to old to change my ways now lol and I am not teaching my kids that. 


C


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

tripad said:


> Going forward now , I am telling myself i should go back to the Mr Nice and quiet , Mr not talk too much - i will do the talking , Mr provider , Mr silent n boring kind of guy . My looks belonged to that category , although I am actually open and playful and crazy , so it is not difficult to attract Mr Nice guy .


Definitely creating a false dichotomy. Nice guy does not equal quiet guy. Choose a guy who adores you, treats you nicely, and is generally considerate AND who you are excited to be with. It is not one or the other.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Perhaps the media and all the gender role confusion has many women forgetting to appreciate what they have and think they deserve more more more more....everything basically. Meanwhile the men approach from the belief they are supposed to be nice now vs. the John Wayne days etc. In the end, men have gotten soft and women greedy. You're supposed to grow out of pursuing jerks after HS but seems that has extended these days.....


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> It sounds like a commonality for women to seek a nice guy after an abusive relationship. It is a natural response.
> 
> The danger in this is that the nice guy is the opposite side of the same coin of an abusive man. Not saying nice guys are abusive, but they are an extreme end of the pendulum...and are an unhealthy choice as well.
> 
> You want to find a balanced man who has traits that attract and excite you yet also is loving, secure, and stable. But the hard truth is...you may never stumble across a man like this until you properly process your hurts and wounds concerning your own past. Abusive men will always surface to be the exciting guy you can maybe fix "this time"....and nice guys will always surface who will appease and attend to you but you will never respect and be repulsed by.


Yes!

The Nice Guy in the context of the book is an emotionally self absorbed bum, who thinks his emotions and him being the goodie are more important than anyone else. A decent man is another thing altogether and whether is is alpha, beta, omega or zeta is by the by.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

McDean said:


> Perhaps the media and all the gender role confusion has many women forgetting to appreciate what they have and think they deserve more more more more....everything basically. Meanwhile the men approach from the belief they are supposed to be nice now vs. the John Wayne days etc. In the end, men have gotten soft and women greedy. You're supposed to grow out of pursuing jerks after HS but seems that has extended these days.....



HS ?

Your post is bias . Perhaps you are the nice guy who has been taken advantage of .

Not all women are greedy

Some men are greedy . My ex and his family are .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> FormerSelf said:
> 
> 
> > It sounds like a commonality for women to seek a nice guy after an abusive relationship. It is a natural response.
> ...


Maybe that's my ex you are talking about .

Seriously he is mr good husband and father to the outside world .

At home he tries to show he's good grudgingly if things goes his way . Basically it's all about money , i must pay n be happy .


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

tripad said:


> Just that, it makes me feel good he feeds me, you know, the cave man brings the meat home.


If you told me that on a first date, there would be no second date.

I have zero interest in another mouth to feed.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Lol

Sorry there're 3 mouths . Me n 2 boys .

That's the thing i am pondering on now .

I am a single mum so do i expect my new husband ( if i get one ) to feed me and kids ?

Honestly i earn a good income and i dont need the man . 

However , supposedly i marry a single dad . How would he expect me to play step mum if he cant play step dad ? 

Upon old age , do i tell my kids that if step dad is sick , dont foot his bills ? Or share with the step brothers to pay as step dad had been feeding you as well .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > Just that, it makes me feel good he feeds me, you know, the cave man brings the meat home.
> ...


Or otherwise it's he feeds his kids and i feed mine . Then we are just sex buddies . Not love not marriage not family .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Betrayed dad

So see 

Suppose i take my kids and his kids out for movies while he's at work and i m off work . Do i bill him for his kids' portion ? No i wont do that but if he thinks like you that he wont feed another mouth , then he's not for me either .

Like i said i feed myself and kids well . Better than some man maybe


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I am traditional in that way .

Though i am modern n independent beyond the family .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I recognize this .


My divorce lawyer saw this me n said i am an odd combination of an independent capable woman on the outside and in looks but i am traditional and old fashioned inside . She said go look for someone who will care for the family .


However , i recognise it will take a different kind of man who will want to feed a woman with 2 kids . 

If i am feeding myself why am i sleeping with the man who my be a potential husband ? 

Then i might as well sleep with a younger man n just look at sex . Not love . Or i will chaste lock till death .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

So say i feed myself n kids

What will my kids say ? 

Why are you sleeping with that man ?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tripad said:


> Lol
> 
> Sorry there're 3 mouths . Me n 2 boys .
> 
> ...


There are some good books on step parenting. I think you would benefit from reading a few.

Do you think it would be fair for a child to have to foot the bills for their biological father and their step father if both are ill? That's a lot of burden to put on a child. Generally such support goes to the biological parent. Sure sometimes children will feel more attached to their step-parent, but usually children do not.

Step parenting is a very different type of parenting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tripad said:


> Or otherwise it's he feeds his kids and i feed mine . Then we are just sex buddies . Not love not marriage not family .


You can pool your income together and then feed all the children an yourselves (your family) out of your joint account.

What that poster was talking about is that he would not want to marry someone who had some children when that person wanted him to be the 100% bread winner.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tripad said:


> So say i feed myself n kids
> 
> What will my kids say ?
> 
> Why are you sleeping with that man ?


Are you saying that the only reason to have sex with a man is to get him to support you and your children? That's what is sounds like you are now saying.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Not sex for money

Repeat i earn more than my ex husband 

But husband n wife n family each fulfilling their role 

Husband as man n provider n father

Wife as woman n mum

Children as filial n respectful children 

I m asian n i grew up that way . Traditional roles .

Only difference is i m intelligent n educated . Different from my mum . N earn more than some men .

Like in earlier post . I realised i have a traditional womam trap inside my modern shell of a body . 

I may end up single . Who knows .

See i dont believe in sex without love . Can't orgasm without love . 

It's a pity .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Elegirl

Anyone else ? 

Are my thoughts faulty ? 

Before i start dating ;-)


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Nothing wrong with being honest about your traditional ideas once you get married...as long as you communicate that to a potential suitor. You certainly will need to find someone who has the same values. But if you have any debt, I would make sure that is all gone.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I never believe in debts .


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

tripad said:


> Not sex for money
> 
> Repeat i earn more than my ex husband
> 
> ...


I think you answered it yourself with what I *bolded*. You want the traditional roles you grew up with but also want to be independent, work and earn as you were educated. Welcome to the modern world. Given the ever changing world, we are all trapped within our out-dated upbringing.

The issue is how you handle it. If you see the traditional role for a wife is as a SAHM, and you want to earn lots of money then you have made a near impossible challenge for yourself.

Provided you can adjust some of your upbringing to your suit current situation then happiness is possible, As it is for all of us.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

The bad guys are getting cheated on too. They just do not come to TAM for advise on relationship, they are busy Drinking at the bar.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

NotEasy said:


> You want the traditional roles you grew up with but also want to be independent, work and earn as you were educated.
> 
> If you see the traditional role for a wife is as a SAHM, and you want to earn lots of money then you have made a near impossible challenge for yourself.


Actually i can drop all and be Sahm.

Although it's a pity , i made good money .

However i dont see why cant i be traditional in home values like bringing up respectful kids and husbands who brings in the bacon . And yet i can make lots of money but it can just to be used to enhance our lives or for the extras . 

Not like what my ex did . Which is i pay majority of bills plus his debts for his and his parents/sisters shopping .


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

tripad said:


> Actually i can drop all and be Sahm.
> 
> Although it's a pity , i made good money .
> 
> ...


I am not explainiing myself well. I was trying to point out that you are not explaining yourself well.

It is fine for people to be a contradiction. Our contradictions often define us. It is just that you need to understand your own contradictions and our values when making life changing decisions, like I think you are considering.

The contradictions I see are:
* traditional asian wife style (SAHM?) vs making lots of money in a full time job
* husband brings home the bacon vs you make more money than him.

And I am NOT saying you have to avoid making money, or be a SAHM, or even to resolve the contradictions. You just need to understand them.

The sort of danger I fear in these contradictions is if you only respect/love your husband because he brings home the bacon then if he doesn't bring home as much bacon as you, maybe you loose respect/love for him. Not saying you feel that way, just something to think about.

Maybe it is all just because of the disjointed way we write short messages on forums.

I think what you might be trying to say is something like you want to go home to a traditional home life after working a full time job. From what little I have seen that is a typical modern asian household.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tripad said:


> *So I should date a Mr Nice Man , never mind he is not my "type" . since I got the wrong "type" the last time ?*


I feel strongly a woman should KNOW deep within what sort of man works for her.. what she admires, what she respects, what brings her the most happiness.. all of it.. sort it out.. 

Sounds you've had enough experiences to realize what your *deal breakers* will be NEXT TIME around.. 

I prefer the Gentleman type with some deviousness, you need a little BAD in there but honest BAD.. ya know.. enough self awareness in a man so when he screws up, has hurt you, he's humble about it, wants to make it right .. not the type to lie, hide, manipulate, emotionally unavailable men, Unpredictable & mysterious may be FUN in the beginning till it turns into Selfish unreliable A-hole.... things that can't sustain trust & harmony... 

I have explained it like this.. some women seem to NEED Excitement , like the man has to provide this.. and she hangs on his coat-tails.. admiring him.. this keeps her enthused with him...

And some may lean more towards a stability.. a peaceful contentment ...it's not that these couples lack excitement though.... if they have "chemistry" that plays off of each other.. they are able to get a rise out of the other -to bring them MORE to life , building their own excitement .. 

That boring guy may not be so boring with someone else -is the point ... even without partying all the time or climbing Mt Everest, so to speak. 

I cared more about finding myself a Family man ...someone stable (mysterious & unpredictable would probably only pizz me off...I prefer a deep well of intimacy, romance over that sort of guy)... but I KNEW me.. what works for me.. Someone honest, affectionate & true. (not an easy find in this day & age!)...what you see is what you get Type..

Many would say in our marriage.. I bring the excitement & keep things stirred - yeah.. he'd agree...I bring the fights too! ha ha ... We have chemistry .. there is someone for every temperament, so I believe.. it may take just the right person to bring another "alive" though.

If it's not there.. it's just not THERE.. 

So many are dysfunctional -limiting their own potential in a relationship -due to addictions, learned behaviors, it's sad.

Find someone compatible for who you are.. that fits with your dreams.. loves your quirkiness, someone you fight well with.. resolving conflict is paramount -to avoid silent treatments, resentments festering.. etc. 

I like what @meson said about being on the same page in what sort of lifestyle you have envisioned.. as much as possible, this too is a part of compatibility ... whether something more traditional or modern.

Some good articles on what compatibility looks like.. 

Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage



> *1*. *DO you ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?*
> It is important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the need to make changes.
> 
> This is a fundamental issue and possibly the most important question here. It reaches into the heart of the relationship and addresses a matter basic for stability and longevity.
> ...


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

tripad said:


> Actually i can drop all and be Sahm.
> 
> Although it's a pity , i made good money .
> 
> ...


A strong capable, independent, successful woman will be attractive to a strong capable, independent, successful man. But even more attractive to a weak, incapable, needy man. Which one do you think will pursue harder, disguise himself more and dedicate more time to figuring out how to emotionally manipulate?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Exactly .


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