# Second guessing my decision to divorce my husband. Help?



## SandyMoon (Oct 8, 2016)

Hi everyone, I will try and most likely fail to keep this short, here goes...


My husband and I have been married 5 years but separated 6 months ago after I decided to walk away from the marriage. We had an intense relationship from the start and our marriage was full of passion, possibly too much, we would both get jealous easily which would spark horrible arguments between us that would turn to bitter fights. If its possible or makes any sense.. I think we loved each other too much for our marriage to ever be _sane_ as well as poor communication. Everyone had an opinion on our marriage at that stage and we reached the point where we felt our life would drive us insane with everyone telling us what we should/shouldn't do so we decided to live on the road for a while to calm our mind and enjoy solitude of just being together, no arguments.
That didn't last long and because of that I decided it was best for us to leave, I just couldn't cope anymore. 




I hadn't talked or seen him since but he had tried to contact me frequently. Divorce papers were delivered to him two weeks ago and I was contacted that he refuses to sign them. This bothered me and I went to our hometown to look for him, finally I found him at the diner and begged him to sign them again he refused claiming he never agreed to the separation or divorce and he doesn't want a divorce what he wants is our marriage back. I noticed he still wears his wedding ring but looked broken. We ended up going on a walk and spent the rest of the evening just talking about everything and I have to be honest spending time with him again proved that I definitely still love him and I still get that sense of freedom being with him he has always been my best friend and I miss him but I need to do what I think is right for us both. Regardless of loving each other I don't think we are meant to be together.


I was certain a divorce was the right thing to do but now I am doubting my decision. Any advice/opinions on what I should do? 


Thanks in advance.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

The fact that he refuses to give you the divorce that you are requesting should be enough to make you want it even more. 

He's not thinking about what you want he's thinking about what he wants.

Is that love?

Don't think so!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You can divorce him without his consent. However, the time line is longer. Find out how long it is for your state. Then just divorce the guy.

If it ain't working, it ain't working.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you had MC and IC?

D is a big decision.

five years? any kids?

reason for the D? was he cheating, or abusive? If yes, continue the D.
If you have another male friend, tell him and continue the D.

too much passion? I would see a counselor first.

Good luck. Passion sounds like fun.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> You can divorce him without his consent. However, the time line is longer.


As I understand it, if he refuses to sign and does nothing to stop it the divorce will proceed. If anything it could go faster if he just ignores all the motions without contesting anything, foolishly believing that if he does nothing you cannot divorce him. LAWS IN YOUR STATE MAY VARY.


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## SandyMoon (Oct 8, 2016)

harrybrown said:


> Have you had MC and IC?
> 
> D is a big decision.
> 
> ...


We married five years ago but we have been together six and a half. 

No kids, something we didn't plan on having yet.

As I stated in my original post, I decided on the divorce because of the arguments we'd been having. It's a no fault divorce but he didn't think I'd actually go through with it, I do believe he might contest it.

Neither myself or my H (from what people have said to me) have been seeing anyone since we separated.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

He's still wearing his ring. That should tell you something. Are you?

I know what it's like to be in a passionate relationship. It can be very exciting.
However, if one or the both of you have too much pride to be able to admit when you might have had things not quite right, well, then you might find yourselves stuck in the kind of situation like you're in right now.

At least one of you has to temper that pride with a little humility enough to be able to say "Oops, my bad. What can I say or do to try and fix this?".


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## SandyMoon (Oct 8, 2016)

Thank you all who took the time to answer this and give me opinions. I am a little disappointed that I haven't received a bit more advice from people on this as I don't know what to do and I have heard great this about this forum.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

There isn't anything called too much passion. Your problems are rooted elsewhere.

Would you rather make it work? Is the question you should be asking yourself. If the fighting became more manageable, would the marriage be salavagable to you. If not, then do what you need to divorce him. If so, then focus on your issues. 

Jealousy isn't about love, it's about trust. Did one of you cheat? Is it questionable to the other of one of you cheated? How are arguments not related to jealousy? Is someone or both of you failing to listen to logic or making the other person feel like they are crazy? The root of these issues is likely one or both of you. Divorce and a new relationship won't fix that. Nothing can help it other than self awareness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

SandyMoon said:


> Thank you all who took the time to answer this and give me opinions. I am a little disappointed that I haven't received a bit more advice from people on this as I don't know what to do and I have heard great this about this forum.


Sat night at 11 is a tough time to expect major results. The euros are already out sniffing coke or shooting up or sleeping, and most Americans are still drinking beer and wearing toilet seat necklaces.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## SandyMoon (Oct 8, 2016)

Herschel said:


> There isn't anything called too much passion. Your problems are rooted elsewhere.
> 
> Would you rather make it work? Is the question you should be asking yourself. If the fighting became more manageable, would the marriage be salavagable to you. If not, then do what you need to divorce him. If so, then focus on your issues.
> 
> ...


 have never cheated on him and I trust that he has never cheated on me. I suffer with BPD and that has e past relationships very difficult for me I felt ive been doing better with that in this relationship but now I am thinking maybe im causing the fights?


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

SandyMoon said:


> have never cheated on him and I trust that he has never cheated on me. I suffer with BPD and that has e past relationships very difficult for me I felt ive been doing better with that in this relationship but now I am thinking maybe im causing the fights?


It's tough to tell as when you are in the situation and you have past feelings that are brought into play, fights can happen that seem almost like nothing to someone else. Are you getting treatment for BPD. I can't speak for that, but in general, you should factor in how you feel and what you say and do when the fights occur. Of course, you are already separated and have one and a half feet out the door, so, it's hard to figure this out. But let's say it is you most of the time and a lot of it is your BPD. Is your husband even aware of it and would he be understanding because of it?

Your best bet is yo get counseling and treatment for BPD. Try to focus on yourself and what you can do to manage yourself and your symptoms. Most important is to be honest with yourself and even thinking you may have been the root to a lot of the fights is s good first step. Not that you should blame yourself, but at least you are willing to take the responsibility so you can be introspective and work on your issues. Of course, this should be done with a specialist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SandyMoon said:


> Thank you all who took the time to answer this and give me opinions. I am a little disappointed that I haven't received a bit more advice from people on this as I don't know what to do and I have heard great this about this forum.


From you first post, it appears you are now having some doubts about filing for divorce. But you don't give a lot of details. Basically, you had a pretty intense (dramatic) relationship. You love him but don't think living together any longer would work out.

I've been on this forum a long time. Give more information and you'll likely get more feedback. JMO.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@SandyMoon "Too much passion?" You "loved each other too much?"_ Seriously_? :scratchhead:

Those sound like over romanticised notions almost as if they were being uttered by someone looking for an excuse to end a relationship?

You have problems in your marriage, but I am not convinced that they are the problems you mentioned in your first post.

As has been mentioned, we need more details before we can begin to offer you sound, meaningful advice.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How old are you and your husband?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

If you have both honestly not been interested in anyone else for 6 months I'd say you have a pretty rare and special bond. As someone else said, you'll both take issues into your next relationship so why not sort them out with this one? You clearly love each other and you can never have too much passion.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

What are you two fighting about all the time? 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SandyMoon said:


> I suffer with BPD.


Sandy, I assume you're referring to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), not Bipolar Disorder (BD). Is that correct? Were you diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist? I ask because we have many active members who can share the experiences they've had with one of those disorders.


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## jmv2003 (Oct 4, 2016)

If you are feeling this way and he is willing to try, then try. If it doesn't work out in the end, at least you both can say you tried one more time to be happy together.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, I don't know what the symptoms (or causes) of BPD are but I would suggest that you get that looked at first.

You guys argue but he doesn't want to break up - he wants to try and make a go of it (probably because he loves you) instead of throwing the towel in (which is very commendable) but you went ahead and filed for divorce and even had him served.

On the face of it he seems to be the normal and mature one and you seem to be the odd/broken one.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Yes, please clarify "BPD", as that can have several meanings.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get some professional help.

You are definitely destroying a rare and good relationship.

It will be nearly impossible for you to fix yourself for relationships, this or future ones, if you don't know how to fix your crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

From what I learned from @Uptown and others you questioning if your past issues with BPD (borderline personality disorder) is about as common as a winning a hundred million dollar lottery. Please clarify your status. 

The fights, did he throw your medical history in your face as an excuss not to honestly engage the issue?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

> We had an intense relationship from the start and our marriage was full of passion, possibly too much, we would both get jealous easily which would spark horrible arguments between us that would turn to bitter fights. If its possible or makes any sense.. I think we loved each other too much for our marriage to ever be sane as well as poor communication.


Getting Jealous+sparking horrible arguments and bitter fights is not a sign of loving each other too much.

I don't know if the jealousy comes from one person or both, but it's not good.


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## SadDaisy (Sep 16, 2015)

It sounds to me like the two of you love each other.
What were the arguments about?


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