# introducing toys



## Changecage (Jan 14, 2020)

hi, 
we've been married for 17 years. our sex life has slowed down and become humdrum. this is starting to impact my performance and it seems to be snowballing. 

what is a good way to talk about it without hurting feelings?


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## Muzzle (May 9, 2020)

Casually pulling out the “back massager” in the night stand during fore play?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

First off, are you a man or women, and is the toy for you or her? What is the goal of the toy?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Changecage said:


> hi,
> we've been married for 17 years. our sex life has slowed down and become humdrum. this is starting to impact my performance and it seems to be snowballing.
> 
> what is a good way to talk about it without hurting feelings?


I would say find a play checklist online (or I have one if you want a copy), both of you fill it out and then compare notes. To expand your sexual options, you don't necessarily need toys. Once you figure out what you want to try together, make sure you look up if there are any safety concerns. For example, with hot wax play, do NOT use beeswax. And then have fun. Even if you end up not liking something, you can have fun trying new things.

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## Changecage (Jan 14, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> First off, are you a man or women, and is the toy for you or her? What is the goal of the toy?


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## Changecage (Jan 14, 2020)

I am a male and it would be for her


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Changecage said:


> I am a male and it would be for her


Used on her or used by her? And if not both, why are you limiting things thus?

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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Don't just spring it on her. I did that the first time and it didn't go well. Talk to her about it to see how she feels and go from there. If she is open to it, you can sit down and shop together online or visit an adult bookstore together which is fun.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

So is the goal to turn you on, or to jumpstart her desire. 

If I were you, I would just have a causal conversation about it and see how she responds. Like what do you think about me getting you a vibrater to use while we have sex? Something different.


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## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

I think as a good husband you would want to please her and this should be understandable but, I had to be the driver but, the had sheepishly "agreed" then I found out she hid the fact she was using it on her own. She also denied how much she liked it. 

Unless she is very repressed or grew up with strict family I can't imagine she would not be on board. I mean they sell the things in cvs and it is pretty much mainstream. You may even indicate that you had read how many women and couples use them. Also, I would suggest that you think it would be very sexy. 

FWIW, I had gotten a cheap one years ago and it was not nearly as effective. It was too had and there was not the same intensity and variety of settings. I would recommend a rabbit type but, others may suggest others for a first. Regardless, I would not go cheap. 

Don't be surprised if she tells you she prefers the real thing..or denies really liking it. My wife did. She has admitted to it being "her friend"


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## HLSRMI (Feb 12, 2021)

Changecage said:


> hi,
> we've been married for 17 years. our sex life has slowed down and become humdrum. this is starting to impact my performance and it seems to be snowballing.
> 
> what is a good way to talk about it without hurting feelings?


Great post. Getting to know your spouses love language is key. We all have a love language. Does she like to talk? Go out? Etc. Rest assured that being married is long term and that is a great thing and a blessing to you. Every married couple goes through what you're experiencing. Variety is key.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I found it pretty easy. I asked her about some specific things if she’d be into them or not and then started buying stuff. Main one she latched onto immediately was a rabbit style vibrator but even a simple toy like this has many possibilities.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> So is the goal to turn you on, or to jumpstart her desire.
> 
> If I were you, I would just have a causal conversation about it and see how she responds. Like what do you think about me getting you a vibrater to use while we have sex? Something different.


In my opinion when a man buys his spouse a toy (without talking to her about it and knowing that the topic may be confrontational/awkward), it is because he wants her to have "desire on demand" without having to put in any effort into the relationship. 

It will actually work and be a bit strange at first. He will get even lazier and passive aggressive temper tantrums will spiral out of control until the power of the toy no longer works. 

I've actually read stories about spouses that get so angry at toys that they throw them in the trash. That is passive aggressive behavior at its finest as well as a sign that the relationship has some serious issues! 

@Girl_power you are right in that he should talk to her about it. Now if she wants to use novelties and they are comfortable talking about it openly about what the other person might enjoy, then that is a completely different story. 

However I will point out a paradox here in that most women do not like to be asked what they like nor do they want to give instructions. So the whole discussion is somewhat of a catch 22. Knowing that he can talk to her about it and then completely ignore the conversation until it becomes a surprise at some random moment in the future. 

Badsanta


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