# My husband i think has a crush on the neighbor, please help a mom/wife out



## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

My husband and I have been married 3 years and have 1 beautiful baby together and i have 2 girls from a previous marriage. He is truly my best friend and love of my life. He feels the same way and tells me all the time. Lately within the last few months we have been fighting a little bit though and we never used to fight. I've been dealing with a lot of depression/anxiety and he doesn't know how to handle it. I think just the tension of me not feeling my best and life has got the best of us. We get along 85 percent of the time and have fun together and we are a happy family in general. 

Since we haven't been getting along, i have become very insecure for some reason. Like is he still happy? Does he ever think what it would be like with someone else? He has NEVER ever given me a reason not to trust him. In fact, he is the first person in my life i have really been able to trust.

Well....about 2 months ago a single girl our age that he went to school with moved in down the street. She is super fit, tan, pretty and nice. She seems super interesting also. She seems very independent. She has a cool vintage camper, a nice new truck, she is always outside working on her yard and seems very active. Well not only is she always outside mowing but mowing in booty shorts, bending over showing it all off. I just noticed that everytime we go past her house now he glances over at her house and i was taking the baby for a walk the other day and he was coming home on his motorcycle and i caught him waving hello to her. I asked him about it and he said "i'm just being friendly, she waves at me sometimes so i wave at her sometimes." They haven't even really talked.I have talked to her on occasion.He says we mean more to him than some girl down the street. We got in an argument about it last night and it wasn't good.

I know i sound crazy, insecure and silly but i just had a baby not too long ago and i'm not in the shape i used to be. I used to look like her, now i don't. I'm just insecure that he has a little crush on her. 

I don't even know what i'm asking....i just need advice on how to let this go so i don't have to worry about the neighbor the rest of our lives.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Have you been checked for post natal depression honey?

Nothing wrong with going to your husband and telling him you feel a little insecure about your body right now, and that you need some reassurance from him.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Have you been checked for post natal depression honey?
> 
> Nothing wrong with going to your husband and telling him you feel a little insecure about your body right now, and that you need some reassurance from him.


I have and at first he was very supportive and told me he always thinks i look hot, sexy, etc. But after months of talking to him about it and stuff he has become a bit annoyed by it. Last night when i brought this girl up was the icing on the cake. He just got mad and said i need to talk to someone and "i'm crazy" for thinking that. I have an appointment on Monday to talk to someone. Even though he tells me that girl means nothing i am still in my head about it. I know it's not normal esp when he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. Thank you for replying


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You really seem very insecure right now. Your husband waved to the neighbor and you argued about that? Just read that sentence.

You yourself admit that the neigborh is very attractive. You seems to be in awe of her. Of course your husband noticed her, how couldn't he if she is out all the time? Of course he thinks she is attractive woman. The world is full of attractive women. That does not mean he wants to go after her.
But - jealousy can be a big turn off. Insecurity too. Independence is turn on.I think you should work on you so you can find the old you, from before the baby, happy and secure, not scared of the shadows of other women passing by your husband. Join the gym? go for some counseling? 

You said you are dealing with some depression/anxiety recently, and your husband doesn't know hot to handle it. Talk to him about it, tell him what would help you from his side? if you go for counseling , you may have few sessions wiht your husband, to help him understand what's going on and how he can help you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

coolmama11 said:


> Lately within the last few months we have been fighting a little bit though and we never used to fight. I've been dealing with a lot of depression/anxiety and he doesn't know how to handle it. I think just the tension of me not feeling my best and life has got the best of us.


So, you definitely need to talk SPECIFICALLY about this with him. Good that you have an appointment. TALK to him. Let him know that some of this is you (so that he doesn't get defensive), but DO tell him that this other woman does make you feel insecure and that HE needs to protect you and the marriage by NOT interacting with her at all, at least for now.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> You really seem very insecure right now. Your husband waved to the neighbor and you argued about that? Just read that sentence.
> 
> You yourself admit that the neigborh is very attractive. You seems to be in awe of her. Of course your husband noticed her, how couldn't he if she is out all the time? Of course he thinks she is attractive woman. The world is full of attractive women. That does not mean he wants to go after her.
> But - jealousy can be a big turn off. Insecurity too. Independence is turn on.I think you should work on you so you can find the old you, from before the baby, happy and secure, not scared of the shadows of other women passing by your husband. Join the gym? go for some counseling?
> ...


I am very insecure right now and i hate it. I used to be very confident. I was at my ideal weight before the baby and i put a lot of pressure on myself now to lose it. I am also in awe of her. She seems very cool like mentioned. She seems drama free, baggage free, independent all the things i know men are attracted to. This is our dream house/our forever house and i just needed advice on how to let this go b/c i don't want it hanging over me forever.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> I am very insecure right now and i hate it. I used to be very confident. I was at my ideal weight before the baby and i put a lot of pressure on myself now to lose it. I am also in awe of her. She seems very cool like mentioned. She seems drama free, baggage free, independent all the things i know men are attracted to. This is our dream house/our forever house and i just needed advice on how to let this go b/c i don't want it hanging over me forever.


I think you can overcome it. If you were confident before, you just have to find it again. You do see a problem, and you already took action - set up an appointment. That's big. Just have a honest talk with your husband. Tell him that you do not expect him to fix your problems,all you need is his support


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> I think you can overcome it. If you were confident before, you just have to find it again. You do see a problem, and you already took action - set up an appointment. That's big. Just have a honest talk with your husband. Tell him that you do not expect him to fix your problems,all you need is his support


Thank you🙏


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you🙏


So just a little more advice @WandaJ if you don't mind b/c you seem very to the point. Even if he does she think she is attractive and glances at her house here and there and waves. I just need to let it go. We are from a very small town and there aren't a lot of attractive women around and he works with all men so i have never really had to deal with this before. I have never witnessed my husband find another woman attractive like this before.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> So just a little more advice @WandaJ if you don't mind b/c you seem very to the point. Even if he does she think she is attractive and glances at her house here and there and waves. I just need to let it go. We are from a very small town and there aren't a lot of attractive women around and he works with all men so i have never really had to deal with this before. I have never witnessed my husband find another woman attractive like this before.


as long as this is all he does...  I assume you waive to other neighbors too? it's rather normal behaviour, it would be rude to pretend you do not see your neighbors out in front of their houses .Just remember, all other ladies in the neighborhood have the same dillemma right now Maybe some block party and poison the lady.... JK!

I always had few pounds extra on me, sometimes less, sometimes more, but my husband noticing other women never bothered me. I notice them too. I notice attractive men too, doesn't not mean I want to throw my life for them.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@coolmama11 ,

May I make a suggestion that I did myself that kind of helped? Just so you know, I had two children of my own, five from my previous husband, and I am pretty short and curvy. I never think of myself as "ideal weight" but I have also been healthy and larger my whole life! So like you, I used to think "I am so fat!" or "I'm not pretty!" or "I'm ___" (fill in the blank with some way that I am "less than" someone else). 

You know what I realized? I am not "Hollywood pretty" because that is not who I am. I am built like a brickhouse, and the way I describe it...I don't blow over in a strong wind. I am built to be solid and play hard. I am built for cuddling and hugs--the PERFECT mama body. I am built for enjoyment and pleasure. I have big __ and __ and other people WISH they had my __ and __! But I will never, ever be 5'8" tall and willowy. Not ever. 

So when I heard those voices in my head telling me I'm fat or ugly, the first thing I did was just recognize that was happening. "Hey, those voices in my head are being critical again!" Next, I wrote down what the voices in my head were saying, verbatim. If I heard "I am so fat!" I wrote that down. Then, I thought about what I wrote and if it sounded familiar...did someone say that to me in the past? Where would this thought and feeling come from? Okay, so often it was my mom criticizing me (she has untreated mental illness so ....) and once I realized it was her voice in my head or at least realized whose voice it was (not my own voice), the next part was the hardest: I would argue with myself! LOL 

Yeah, that sounds nuts, doesn't it? But what I mean is that once I recognized it was happening, wrote down what the voice was saying, and figured out where I heard that before...I would set aside some time to think: "Well...is that true? Is that really what I'm like now? What would a friend say?" See what I mean? Like if I thought "I am so fat!" and I wrote it down and figured out my mom and my exH had said that to me out loud, I might counter it with "Okay I am somewhat overweight, but I am also __ years old and had two children, and I do ___ exercise every day and I have lost half of my goal. When I do hit my goal, I'm not gonna be skinny because I'm not a skinny girl. I am a hobbit and hobbits love home, hearth, and good food. I am in pretty good shape for a __ year old and I have GREAT curves and a beautiful smile." 

Last things I did, I would try to think about this voice in my head--when does it tend to come up? What kinds of things tend to "set it off"? Like...do I hear how fat I am when life is chaos in the house? Do I hear that when I'm rejected for sex? Do I hear it when I have a dream and it's not going well? How about when I don't have time to myself FOR myself? See...if I can figure out what tends to "set it off" then maybe I can prevent it from happening by noticing and changing myself. A good example for you is that you feel "less than" because this other girl seems so together and cool and drama-free...so does that mean you feel uncool and full of drama? If so, maybe you can head off some of this talk in your head by working on your inner calm or reducing drama in your life. What feels like drama? Do you need some set aside time for yourself to settle? As a young mom, I used to have my kids go to their room 1 hour after bathtime and before bedtime and they could play or read in their own room, quietly so I could have a cup of tea. Do you need something like that maybe?


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> as long as this is all he does...  I assume you waive to other neighbors too? it's rather normal behaviour, it would be rude to pretend you do not see your neighbors out in front of their houses .Just remember, all other ladies in the neighborhood have the same dillemma right now Maybe some block party and poison the lady.... JK!
> 
> I always had few pounds extra on me, sometimes less, sometimes more, but my husband noticing other women never bothered me. I notice them too. I notice attractive men too, doesn't not mean I want to throw my life for them.


Thank you. I know i'm going to sound really crazy for saying this and this is why i'm going ot talk to someone but i just keep thinking that he is so mad at me right now, he is probably wishing he was single


WandaJ said:


> as long as this is all he does...  I assume you waive to other neighbors too? it's rather normal behaviour, it would be rude to pretend you do not see your neighbors out in front of their houses .Just remember, all other ladies in the neighborhood have the same dillemma right now Maybe some block party and poison the lady.... JK!
> 
> I always had few pounds extra on me, sometimes less, sometimes more, but my husband noticing other women never bothered me. I notice them too. I notice attractive men too, doesn't not mean I want to throw my life for them.


Thank you. I know i'm going to sound really crazy for saying this and this is why i'm going to talk to someone but i just keep thinking that he is so mad at me right now, he is probably wishing he was single so he could get with her. I know he loves me and my son and girls but esp last night when we were arguing i get so insecure. He isn't a mean man, he has the biggest heart but he got so mad last night he said "i might as well go over there after work and have a beer with her so if i'm getting accused at least i'm doing something wrong"


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> @coolmama11 ,
> 
> May I make a suggestion that I did myself that kind of helped? Just so you know, I had two children of my own, five from my previous husband, and I am pretty short and curvy. I never think of myself as "ideal weight" but I have also been healthy and larger my whole life! So like you, I used to think "I am so fat!" or "I'm not pretty!" or "I'm ___" (fill in the blank with some way that I am "less than" someone else).
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for all of this. This is so helpful. I'm hoping once i start counseling i can work some of this out. I have struggled with eating disorders in my past (i failed to mention that). Now that i'm a mom of 3 i can't do that, i have to put my health first and not starve myself. I always had an ok time controlling until after i had my 3rd, those thoughts are creeping back in. I am in no way heavy. I'm curvy as well but i know a lot of women would look at me and think i'm an ideal weight but in my head i'm not. Im short 5'2 and weight 150 pounds but i used to weight 125 so for me it's a big differnece. I know in my heart i'm not "fat" but i can't get my head to believe that. Thank you for all your advice


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Thank you. I know i'm going to sound really crazy for saying this and this is why i'm going to talk to someone but i just keep thinking that he is so mad at me right now, he is probably wishing he was single so he could get with her. I know he loves me and my son and girls but esp last night when we were arguing i get so insecure. He isn't a mean man, he has the biggest heart but he got so mad last night he said "i might as well go over there after work and have a beer with her so if i'm getting accused at least i'm doing something wrong" 
[/QUOTE]

He just had enough of being accused of something that he did not do and said that in the heat of the moment. But if you keep doing it , he will run not to her, but from you. 

But I really think you are projecting here on your husband - I think you are jealous of that girl, becuase she seems to be everything that you want to be. That's why you are so convinced that your husband wants to run over there and screw her. You would like to be her. Maybe it is you who would like to be single and with no kid, out in the garden envey of the neighborhood ladies? Just a thought....


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Thank you. I know i'm going to sound really crazy for saying this and this is why i'm going to talk to someone but i just keep thinking that he is so mad at me right now, he is probably wishing he was single so he could get with her. I know he loves me and my son and girls but esp last night when we were arguing i get so insecure. He isn't a mean man, he has the biggest heart but he got so mad last night he said "i might as well go over there after work and have a beer with her so if i'm getting accused at least i'm doing something wrong"


He just had enough of being accused of something that he did not do and said that in the heat of the moment. But if you keep doing it , he will run not to her, but from you.

But I really think you are projecting here on your husband - I think you are jealous of that girl, becuase she seems to be everything that you want to be. That's why you are so convinced that your husband wants to run over there and screw her. You would like to be her. Maybe it is you who would like to be single and with no kid, out in the garden envey of the neighborhood ladies? Just a thought....
[/QUOTE]
I am projecting on him even though i do notice him look at her house all the time. I am jealous of her. Not that i don't want my kids or husband b/c they are my world but the fact that she has all the things my husband loves and they seem to have so much in common. My husband has a harley, she has a harley. She has a truck, he has a nice truck. He wants a camper and she has a really nice one. I'm just nervous that he realizes and i never want him to think what it would be like with someone else or wish to be with someone else.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am projecting on him even though i do notice him look at her house all the time. I am jealous of her. Not that i don't want my kids or husband b/c they are my world but the fact that she has all the things my husband loves and they seem to have so much in common. My husband has a harley, she has a harley. She has a truck, he has a nice truck. He wants a camper and she has a really nice one. I'm just nervous that he realizes and i never want him to think what it would be like with someone else or wish to be with someone else.
[/QUOTE]
None of us wants that from our partner. They do seem to have a lot in common, from distance at least. The woman is novelty, he might be intriqued. Maybe the thought crosses his mind now and then. Still, he chose you, married you and had a kid with you. 
You can not really accuse him of what - in your mind - he is thinking. There is nothing you can do about what he thinks.Do you think your husband is the type that will be easy swayed by cute butt in shorts and motorbike away from you and your kid? And do you think, you would react like this before having a baby?


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> I am projecting on him even though i do notice him look at her house all the time. I am jealous of her. Not that i don't want my kids or husband b/c they are my world but the fact that she has all the things my husband loves and they seem to have so much in common. My husband has a harley, she has a harley. She has a truck, he has a nice truck. He wants a camper and she has a really nice one. I'm just nervous that he realizes and i never want him to think what it would be like with someone else or wish to be with someone else.


None of us wants that from our partner. They do seem to have a lot in common, from distance at least. The woman is novelty, he might be intriqued. Maybe the thought crosses his mind now and then. Still, he chose you, married you and had a kid with you.
You can not really accuse him of what - in your mind - he is thinking. There is nothing you can do about what he thinks.Do you think your husband is the type that will be easy swayed by cute butt in shorts and motorbike away from you and your kid? And do you think, you would react like this before having a baby?
[/QUOTE]
No i don't think he is the type that would easily be swayed. I also know he would never cheat on me. He even said to me last night "if you think i'd leave you and our son just b/c some hot girl moves in down the street then you really don't know me, he said i was just being jealous" I would have not reacted this way before baby. I had tons of confidence and self assurance then. We also never used to fight back then and the fighting has me very insecure too. He has a friend that we still hang out with that he told me when we were dating that he had slept with her before i came along. She is very pretty and nice and when we hang out with her i never get jealous. I don't know why the heck i'm so threatened by this girl. He actually told me last night too, he admited that she has a nice body but her face is not that cute. He said i was way prettier. I know this sounds so teenagerish. I don't know why i'm so threatned by her.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> "if you think i'd leave you and our son just b/c some hot girl moves in down the street then you really don't know me, he said i was just being jealous"


,
That. 

It's a good thing you have that counseling set up for Monday I thnk your anxiety is really getting to you. Breathe, have a nice dinner with your husband tonight.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm a maternity nurse. Recurrent thoughts like these are a form of post partum depression. How old is your baby? I always tell Dads...if you start thinking "what happened to my wife, this is like some other person!" it's time to get help. It sounds like he's probably thinking that. I'm glad you have an appointment for counseling but you might want to also call your OB and talk to him/her about what you've been going through.

Other things that might help are to start exercising and making sure you're eating well. You'll feel better if you know you're doing something to get back to yourself and exercise can help with depression/anxiety. There is also an app called the Calm app. Download it and use it. It really really helps when people are dealing with anxiety. 

It's normal for you to feel a bit different than yourself and to feel a bit envious of someone who isn't dealing with all the things you are dealing with right now. That doesn't mean you don't love and want your baby but you give up a lot as the mother of an infant and some days the grass definitely looks greener. It's entirely possible that SHE is looking over at your life and wishing she could trade places with you. 

I would suggest being honest with your husband that yes, you are jealous but that you're going to get help for it. Apologize for accusing him of things he hasn't done. And start making plans to do things with your husband alone. It's tough right now with everything closed, but you could put the kids to bed a little early and have a nice dinner with just your husband and watch a funny movie. Spend some time as a couple. 

And if he really wants a camper...start researching getting one with him. Even if you don't get one right away turn that into something the two of you are doing together instead of just watching your neighbor enjoy hers.

Good luck!!!!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You feel threatened because … any number of things. Believe me, she has issues too. Everyone does. I’ve always been tall and thin and fit. I don’t have issues about how I look but I do definitely have issues and lots of them. Focus on you and not him. If he’s like most men, he notices attractive women. And most women notice attractive men. It’s just reality.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He has told you who he is. You must believe him or he will become more frustrated. Trust is one of the most important components in a marriage. 

How will you arguing and accusing help?? Hurt?? Be loving. Intimate AND CONNECTED. Tell him how must you appreciate him. If he wanted her, he would have made that happen.

Glad you are seeing a counselor. Your past anorexia and current thoughts are connected. What happened in your previous marriage and how does that play a part in your current insecurity? KNOW THAT THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND NOT HIM. You cannot change him, but you can work on being the best you, you can be! BTW: going through life comparing yourself to others is a waste and thankless task--always someone better, someone worse.....

Good communication is important in a relationship. Don't whine. Picture the woman you want to be and start that journey.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> I'm a maternity nurse. Recurrent thoughts like these are a form of post partum depression. How old is your baby? I always tell Dads...if you start thinking "what happened to my wife, this is like some other person!" it's time to get help. It sounds like he's probably thinking that. I'm glad you have an appointment for counseling but you might want to also call your OB and talk to him/her about what you've been going through.
> 
> Other things that might help are to start exercising and making sure you're eating well. You'll feel better if you know you're doing something to get back to yourself and exercise can help with depression/anxiety. There is also an app called the Calm app. Download it and use it. It really really helps when people are dealing with anxiety.
> 
> ...


I have suspected i have had post partum for a while now. My baby will be 1 in august. He tells me that all the time "you are like a different person after you had the baby". I love my husband very very much and he is a very kind person but he has a hard time understanding any mental illness. He says sometimes i use my depression/anxiety as an excuse. I don't know how to make him understand that these are real conditions. My husband is one of those people wehre he is cool and calm all the time. He says i'm a spazz. I really don't know why i'm letting this one girl get to me or if it is just everything combined. She is 37, no kids, no husband but she does have a lot of nice things so you are right that sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side. Thank you for all your help


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> He has told you who he is. You must believe him or he will become more frustrated. Trust is one of the most important components in a marriage.
> 
> How will you arguing and accusing help?? Hurt?? Be loving. Intimate AND CONNECTED. Tell him how must you appreciate him. If he wanted her, he would have made that happen.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input. I have been cheated on in every single one of my past relationships so that is probably what led me to such horrible insecurity. My ex husband was emotionally abusive every single day of my 10 year marriage and then it ended with him cheating on me. I really thought i have healed from that b/c i went to therapy for a long time. When i got with my current partner i felt complete trust. I want to feel that again b/c i hate these feelings creeping in and feeling insecure.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@WandaJ is correct -- he's mad because you are accusing him of something he didn't do.
Look, he's alive and breathing -- he will notice attractive women. DOES NOT mean he is going over to her house and get with her, ok? I'm sure that you've "noticed" good looking guys while at a park or the mall. Don't let your jealousy cause a REAL issue here, ok?


coolmama11 said:


> She seems very cool like mentioned. She seems drama free, baggage free, independent all the things i know men are attracted to.


EVERYONE has baggage, so what you "see" is just that -- not reality, ok?


coolmama11 said:


> that she has all the things my husband loves and they seem to have so much in common. My husband has a harley, she has a harley. She has a truck, he has a nice truck. He wants a camper and she has a really nice one.


He already has what he wants: YOU and your kids! He HAS the harley, he doesn't need hers. He has a truck, he doesn't need hers. He has YOU and your kids!
If you are insecure, I get it -- so just work on that! Get in shape, get to the Dr in case it's post-partum, go riding with him, etc.. He went to school with her, but he married YOU not her, ok?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

coolmama11 said:


> I love my husband very very much and he is a very kind person but he has a hard time understanding any mental illness. He says sometimes i use my depression/anxiety as an excuse. I don't know how to make him understand that these are real conditions.


Tell him this -- giving birth messes with the hormones and brain chemistry -- VERY normal condition. Since this can PHYSICALLY affect how your body/brain work, you need to get this looked at. He SHOULD understand that. True Depression isn't just being unhappy. It has a physical basis.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'll bet he has friends whose wives have suffered postpartum depression. They can help him understand--or possibly your physician can. IMO: Most men do not like drama/chaos--unless you are talking about NASCAR or MMA. 

Beware of giving the kids more attention than him--not always easy. Have date nights. Wear sexy clothes. Flirt with him. Y'all may want to talk about your boundaries in a marriage if you've not done this--it is important y'all are on the same page. You have not seen any reasons for your worries, so work on this. You might want to tell him you appreciate his patience and his faithfulness as sort of an apology and maybe you can think of something else he likes.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I have anxiety too, and I always over think things and obsess about things and love to talk about these things. Women are often times more emotional and anxious then men. 
Men can only take so much of it. They aren’t built like we are. And they get exhausted from us over analyzing things, and needing to talk deeply about everything. 

I always try to make my home a place where my partner wants to be, and a place I want to be. So when my partner comes home, I don’t want to start a fight, or start non stop talking about myself and my day. I want to be there for him, and be what he needs. And he needs to be what I need as well. But he is not my girlfriend, or mother, or therapist. So although it’s good to talk about my feelings, I can’t obsess about my feelings to him, and expect him to love these conversations with me. Because it really can be exhausting and daunting to men, especially from a girl who has anxiety. 
So what I’m saying is find another outlet besides just your husband. I have close girlfriends I talk to, or I journal, or I get my anxiety out through exercise, and I even come on here and vent. This way, my partner only gets the 10% crazy anxious me instead of 100%. If that makes sense.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

coolmama11 said:


> I have and at first he was very supportive and told me he always thinks i look hot, sexy, etc. But after months of talking to him about it and stuff he has become a bit annoyed by it.


That's normal, you can't get up at him for that honey. It's exhausting having to constantly reassure someone about the same thing, and being accused of things you haven't done.



coolmama11 said:


> I am projecting on him even though i do notice him look at her house all the time. I am jealous of her. Not that i don't want my kids or husband b/c they are my world but the fact that she has all the things my husband loves and they seem to have so much in common. My husband has a harley, she has a harley. She has a truck, he has a nice truck. He wants a camper and she has a really nice one. I'm just nervous that he realizes and i never want him to think what it would be like with someone else or wish to be with someone else.


Yes but your husband has a harley, a truck and YOU and your son x



coolmama11 said:


> He says sometimes i use my depression/anxiety as an excuse. I don't know how to make him understand that these are real conditions.


I say this with love, some people do use their mental illness as an excuse or free pass for bad behaviour. Are you sure that you don't do that? At least sometimes? Mental illness explains your behaviour, but it doesn't excuse it honey. It's your responsibility to be treated for it so that you and your family can have a happy life together.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

coolmama11 said:


> I have suspected i have had post partum for a while now. My baby will be 1 in august. He tells me that all the time "you are like a different person after you had the baby". I love my husband very very much and he is a very kind person but he has a hard time understanding any mental illness. He says sometimes i use my depression/anxiety as an excuse. I don't know how to make him understand that these are real conditions. My husband is one of those people wehre he is cool and calm all the time. He says i'm a spazz. I really don't know why i'm letting this one girl get to me or if it is just everything combined. She is 37, no kids, no husband but she does have a lot of nice things so you are right that sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side. Thank you for all your help



If he sees you having this depression and anxiety and not doing anything to deal with it that will make him think you're using it as an excuse for stuff. PP depression is very real and it can be very serious. It's not enough to just say "I think I might have a problem." You need to call your doctor now. A low dose of medication could be enough to set you back to you again. I had it with 2 of my three pregnancies. I didn't recognize it in the first but it was so much worse with my third baby that I called and got help. I started a low dose of antidepressant and 6 months later I tried to wean off. Nope...still needed it. A year later I weaned again and I've been fine ever since. It took a week or so to get used to the medicine, even such a small dose, but it was very much worth it.. 

My cousin drove her husband away with her constant insecurities and accusations of him cheating or liking other women. He never cheated and loved her a lot but in the end he couldn't take it anymore. Get help, please.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

frusdil said:


> That's normal, you can't get up at him for that honey. It's exhausting having to constantly reassure someone about the same thing, and being accused of things you haven't done.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


yes i know, thank you for all your input! I am in therapy and on anxiety medication. Sometimes i do use it as an excuse you are right. I just want a happy family and i know that starts with me being happy.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> If he sees you having this depression and anxiety and not doing anything to deal with it that will make him think you're using it as an excuse for stuff. PP depression is very real and it can be very serious. It's not enough to just say "I think I might have a problem." You need to call your doctor now. A low dose of medication could be enough to set you back to you again. I had it with 2 of my three pregnancies. I didn't recognize it in the first but it was so much worse with my third baby that I called and got help. I started a low dose of antidepressant and 6 months later I tried to wean off. Nope...still needed it. A year later I weaned again and I've been fine ever since. It took a week or so to get used to the medicine, even such a small dose, but it was very much worth it..
> 
> My cousin drove her husband away with her constant insecurities and accusations of him cheating or liking other women. He never cheated and loved her a lot but in the end he couldn't take it anymore. Get help, please.


I have gotten help. I am on medicine and going to therapy. No, i do not want to drive my husband away but i know i am. We have an amazing love story and i don't want to ruin it in anyway. He really is the love of my life. If you don't mind me asking, what medicine were you on?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

coolmama11 said:


> I have gotten help. I am on medicine and going to therapy. No, i do not want to drive my husband away but i know i am. We have an amazing love story and i don't want to ruin it in anyway. He really is the love of my life. If you don't mind me asking, what medicine were you on?


I took a very low dose of zoloft. If you are on medicine and see no improvement, you probably need your dosage adjusted. My daughter suffers from depression and pretty severe social anxiety. She started zoloft on a low dose and has had her dosage adjusted a number of times before we found the dose that works well for her. Follow up with your doctor and tell him/her you are still having problems. 

Did you check out the Calm app? It's an app for your phone and it can work wonders at resetting the brain and reducing anxiety. My daughter uses it nightly and it has helped her a lot. My other daughter has severe flying anxiety and she uses it for that and it also helps a lot. You really should look into it.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> I took a very low dose of zoloft. If you are on medicine and see no improvement, you probably need your dosage adjusted. My daughter suffers from depression and pretty severe social anxiety. She started zoloft on a low dose and has had her dosage adjusted a number of times before we found the dose that works well for her. Follow up with your doctor and tell him/her you are still having problems.
> 
> Did you check out the Calm app? It's an app for your phone and it can work wonders at resetting the brain and reducing anxiety. My daughter uses it nightly and it has helped her a lot. My other daughter has severe flying anxiety and she uses it for that and it also helps a lot. You really should look into it.


Thank you, i am on a low dose of Wellbutrin right now and it seems to be helping but i know my doctor said she was going to up my dose after about a month. I have heard from several people about the calm app. I'm going to check it out now!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you, i am on a low dose of Wellbutrin right now and it seems to be helping but i know my doctor said she was going to up my dose after about a month. I have heard from several people about the calm app. I'm going to check it out now!


Wellbutrin is anti-depressant. it may not work on your anxiety. Maybe higher dose will help, but you should be open to the possibility it won't help with anxiety . In that case you may need either to change it to something else, or add something that helps with anxiety.


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## sparc101 (Oct 21, 2013)

You are at a very uneasy time (new born and all). This will affect you emontionally, but it also can affect your husband. Its a big change. I think being candid with him can help. You could go for a walk with him by this house and casually say, "I have seen you eyeing our neighbor there. She is pretty, isn't she. But you better keep your hands off." Well say it sort of jokingly of course. You also don't say anything about your "extra curricular" acitivies with your husband. You know... the intimate time. Are you having any? Is he starving for touch? This can play into his looking outside of the house. Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@coolmama11 You are a babe with a babe and a man who loves her very much. And she has shorts that don't fit and a tired old used van. 

You sure she's not jealous of what you have?


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Wellbutrin is anti-depressant. it may not work on your anxiety. Maybe higher dose will help, but you should be open to the possibility it won't help with anxiety . In that case you may need either to change it to something else, or add something that helps with anxiety.





WandaJ said:


> Wellbutrin is anti-depressant. it may not work on your anxiety. Maybe higher dose will help, but you should be open to the possibility it won't help with anxiety . In that case you may need either to change it to something else, or add something that helps with anxiety.


Thank you!


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

sparc101 said:


> You are at a very uneasy time (new born and all). This will affect you emontionally, but it also can affect your husband. Its a big change. I think being candid with him can help. You could go for a walk with him by this house and casually say, "I have seen you eyeing our neighbor there. She is pretty, isn't she. But you better keep your hands off." Well say it sort of jokingly of course. You also don't say anything about your "extra curricular" acitivies with your husband. You know... the intimate time. Are you having any? Is he starving for touch? This can play into his looking outside of the house. Good luck.


Our sex life is very active, if not almost every night. Our baby is almost 1, will be 1 in august. That is why he says i am crazy. He said, i want sex with you almost every night and i'm always grabbing on you all day. I think it is my past insecurities that are making me feel this way.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @coolmama11 You are a babe with a babe and a man who loves her very much. And she has shorts that don't fit and a tired old used van.
> 
> You sure she's not jealous of what you have?


This made me laugh...thank you and maybe she is, who knows!


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Hi coolmama11, if I can add my two cents. I’m 69, married male, not the hottest, but not bad for an old fart. My wife and I like you and hubby live in a small town and there is a woman that lives down the street from us. She is in great shape, has nice things Is single etc....

Darndest thing is we can sit on our little deck and look into her front window. Well just to try and make you feel better, this woman is an ex girlfriend who i was In a long term relationship with for a number of years just before my wife. I think my wife, like you had her druthers about my being in contact of any sort with this woman, but I would wave as she would when she went by, we would chat if we met on the street.

Fortunately, my wife who can get the 16 year old jealous trolls kick in every now and then, realized she is my forever wife and I don’t want another. My wife has come to the point where she actually praises my ex girlfriend for the work she does.

I hope you see my point. My wife with all her issues is the love of my life, I have no reason to go check out the grass on the other side, but I would not be the man I am or the one she loves if I changed my ways and was not the friendly guy I am.

Talk to your husband, he already knows your fears, yet wants you and seemingly only you. Tell him about your struggles in regards to the reason you are on the meds you’re on, mostly let him know you love him.

I wish you well in your struggles.

OT


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Oldtimer said:


> Hi coolmama11, if I can add my two cents. I’m 69, married male, not the hottest, but not bad for an old fart. My wife and I like you and hubby live in a small town and there is a woman that lives down the street from us. She is in great shape, has nice things Is single etc....
> 
> Darndest thing is we can sit on our little deck and look into her front window. Well just to try and make you feel better, this woman is an ex girlfriend who i was In a long term relationship with for a number of years just before my wife. I think my wife, like you had her druthers about my being in contact of any sort with this woman, but I would wave as she would when she went by, we would chat if we met on the street.
> 
> ...


Thank you so so much, you have no idea how much this message meant to me. I have always had jealousy issues and i think women struggle with them a little more than men. My husband says if a hot guy moved down the street he would have no issue with it. I trust my husband and know he would NEVER cheat on me. That isn't my concern. My concern is b/c we have been fighting lately that when we fight he would think "i wonder what it would be like with that hot girl down the street?" 

If i can tell you my husband and I's story. We have both been divorced. We were set up by a mutual friend on a blind date. Since day one, i knew he was the one and he said the same thing. He said it was undeniable that i was the one for him. We have something not a lot of people have. We are attracted to each other, we are passionate and we are best friends. I don't know why i am ruining something out of such dumb things.

I have felt him be a little distant lately. I asked him last night if there was a reason. He just said that because of everything going on lately it's just been alot and needed to take a step back for a min. I just hope i didn't ruin our once in a lifetime love that we have. 

I know it's normal for men to find other women attractive, i am not naive. I just need to start feeling better about myself and i'm hoping these jealousy issues will subside. 

Thank you so much for your input, i love hearing from a guys point of view.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> I have gotten help. I am on medicine and going to therapy. No, i do not want to drive my husband away but i know i am. We have an amazing love story and i don't want to ruin it in anyway. He really is the love of my life....


My wife struggled with a similar depression after having our children. She never went to therapy or took medication but eventually came to a realization that helped her (and subsequently our marriage). She came to the conclusion that she could not blame me for her depression or lack of happiness. She determined it was her responsibility to pursue the things in her life that would make her happy and then share that with me. If I as her husband put up road blocks to the things that made her happy, well then those were the things she could give me &^[email protected] about and blame me for being part of the problem (playfully of course). 

Regarding taking care of your health and staying fit, my wife and I got each other some of those advanced fitness watches as a recent gift. They are wonderful and do help us understand how to be much more healthy in general with our daily schedules and exercise. It has made us aware that everything is about keeping exercise, diet, and sleep in balance with one another. If one thing is out of whack, then EVERYTHING gets out of whack. For me regular exercise helps me sleep better. Sleeping better reduces my anxiety and stress. Reduced stress and anxiety helps me control my diet. Controlling my diet helps me loose weight. While exercise and weight loss for me are not directly related, they are tied together by helping balance everything in life. My wife and I make a great team of helping one another.

My point being here is that depression is often the result of prolonged stress. The best thing for stress is improving both exercise and sleep while trying to eat a healthy diet. Medication can help, but try and use it as a tool to focus on improving your sleep, diet, and exercise. If you and your husband get a fitness watch (one that monitors heart rate, oxygen, sleep cycles and steps) you will find it to be a great motivator. 

Just a warning that there was a news article about a husband that forgot to take his fitness watch off at night when engaging in acts of self pleasure. The wife was like, "honey why was your heart rate so high and what were you running from at 2am!" Lol!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

A happy wife is a happy life. And that really is true. Wives have the ability to make their husbands lives miserable, and amazing. 
He’s been through a divorce. He knows the importance of a good marriage, and holding on to it. He won’t do anything stupid to jeopardize your relationship. Also, he knows the grass isn’t greener on the other side. 

I suggest you stop bringing it up to him, and carry on your happy merry way. Go do something for you, have fun get your mind off things. Give him space.


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## MMH (Jul 19, 2018)

coolmama11 said:


> My husband and I have been married 3 years and have 1 beautiful baby together and i have 2 girls from a previous marriage. He is truly my best friend and love of my life. He feels the same way and tells me all the time. Lately within the last few months we have been fighting a little bit though and we never used to fight. I've been dealing with a lot of depression/anxiety and he doesn't know how to handle it. I think just the tension of me not feeling my best and life has got the best of us. We get along 85 percent of the time and have fun together and we are a happy family in general.
> 
> Since we haven't been getting along, i have become very insecure for some reason. Like is he still happy? Does he ever think what it would be like with someone else? He has NEVER ever given me a reason not to trust him. In fact, he is the first person in my life i have really been able to trust.
> 
> ...


Read your post. I so understand your feelings. That said, quit beating him up over it. Men hate when women nag them. 
The counseling is a great idea. Here’s some advice....listen to your inner goddess. 
Pay attention to little things: has your sex life changed? Is he not interested? Does he reject your advances? Do you still set aside time to be a couple? Children are wonderful, but it’s important to date your husband and maintain your intimacy together. If he’s not interested in you, if you’re spending most/all your time parenting, if he’s not involved with the family, then, you may have a tangible argument. Men are visual creatures but that doesn’t mean he’s a cheater. Obviously, your neighbor is craving attention from everyone or anything. After all, you’re a woman and you’ve noticed her. Build your confidence and fight to keep your family and your husband. Good luck 🍀


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

MMH said:


> Read your post. I so understand your feelings. That said, quit beating him up over it. Men hate when women nag them.
> The counseling is a great idea. Here’s some advice....listen to your inner goddess.
> Pay attention to little things: has your sex life changed? Is he not interested? Does he reject your advances? Do you still set aside time to be a couple? Children are wonderful, but it’s important to date your husband and maintain your intimacy together. If he’s not interested in you, if you’re spending most/all your time parenting, if he’s not involved with the family, then, you may have a tangible argument. Men are visual creatures but that doesn’t mean he’s a cheater. Obviously, your neighbor is craving attention from everyone or anything. After all, you’re a woman and you’ve noticed her. Build your confidence and fight to keep your family and your husband. Good luck 🍀


Thank you! Our marriage is great, our sex life is great, he says we have a great marraige. He is involved with the family and we do alot of things together alone without the kids. I'm just an overthinker, over worrier and i know that stems from my anxiety. If i could just get past my mental road blocks i would be fine. I just don't understand why you have to mow in your booty shorts in a family neighborhood. 😆 I know men are visual creatures that is why i know my husband can't help but look when she is all bent over starting her mower in her short shorts. I guess if i had legs like her, i'd probably wear them too!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> I just don't understand why you have to mow in your booty shorts in a family neighborhood. 😆


If it makes you feel any better, she may not even be interested in men noticing her. What if she wants to hook up with another woman in the neighborhood? She might be waving back at your husband, but she is actually more interested in you and not him. 

Just say'n!

Badsanta


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Yes you are being jealous most likely for no reason at all. Don't will it to be because thats what it is sounding like you are doing. You are not in control of much anything in your life but yourself you need to understand this. No one likes to be accused of other peoples paranoia, this its self is enough to make a significant other rethink their relationship maybe not consciously but subconsciously atleast but sooner or later if the accusations don't stop the threshold will be hit and it will be an active thought in his mind. 

My therapist calls it stinking thinking. Don't let your paranoia of what ifs drive you mad and you end up willing it into existence.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

coolmama11 said:


> I just don't understand why you have to mow in your booty shorts in a family neighborhood. 😆 I know men are visual creatures that is why i know my husband can't help but look when she is all bent over starting her mower in her short shorts. I guess if i had legs like her, i'd probably wear them too!


Honey, come on. Don't be like those women who bleat that women shouldn't breast feed in public because other women's husbands might look, or feel uncomfortable, or god forbid where children might see them. 

Your neighbour can dress any way she chooses. Your husband looking is not her issue. Don't make her even partly responsible for your insecurities.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

frusdil said:


> Your neighbour can dress any way she chooses. Your husband looking is not her issue. Don't make her even partly responsible for your insecurities.


And agreed. You're likely more focused on her than your husband is, meanwhile she is just mowing her lawn in clothes she's comfortable in... and at her own damn home. Actually this could easily be one of my friends who I knew when she was single. Different to me; she was tall, blonde, typically stunning, had a motorcycle, highly independent. We'd laugh so hard together and would go to music gigs. She cooked dinner for hubs and I, and the three of us got our geek on.. binge-watching Star Wars. We had a beautiful friendship. While she had her own trials and tribulations, she was still all that and a bag of chips, too. Hubs and I moved overseas and the connection dissipated with time and distance. The point is, don't give in to hating on this woman. You're better than that.

Take the advise provided here to help yourself.


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## HollieB (Jun 8, 2020)

coolmama11 said:


> My husband and I have been married 3 years and have 1 beautiful baby together and i have 2 girls from a previous marriage. He is truly my best friend and love of my life. He feels the same way and tells me all the time. Lately within the last few months we have been fighting a little bit though and we never used to fight. I've been dealing with a lot of depression/anxiety and he doesn't know how to handle it. I think just the tension of me not feeling my best and life has got the best of us. We get along 85 percent of the time and have fun together and we are a happy family in general.
> 
> Since we haven't been getting along, i have become very insecure for some reason. Like is he still happy? Does he ever think what it would be like with someone else? He has NEVER ever given me a reason not to trust him. In fact, he is the first person in my life i have really been able to trust.
> 
> ...


Oh you poor dear, have you considered maybe just going to him and telling him you are not feeling the best about your own self confidence? I have 3 children I know what it is like and once you get on the other side of it years down the road it is easier to see how truly beautiful those imperfections are. I think you should not be so hard on yourself or on him. Easier said then done for sure. However if you talk with him just be honest being vulnerable is hard but he will appreciate it being explained to him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you! Our marriage is great, our sex life is great, he says we have a great marraige. He is involved with the family and we do alot of things together alone without the kids. I'm just an overthinker, over worrier and i know that stems from my anxiety. If i could just get past my mental road blocks i would be fine. I just don't understand why you have to mow in your booty shorts in a family neighborhood. 😆 I know men are visual creatures that is why i know my husband can't help but look when she is all bent over starting her mower in her short shorts. I guess if i had legs like her, i'd probably wear them too!


What are you doing to feel better about yourself?


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

So I got insecure again tonight. I don’t know how to make it stop. We went to my parents and on our drive past her house I saw him look right at her house. This time I didn’t start a fight out of it but it’s eating me up inside.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

coolmama11 said:


> So I got insecure again tonight. I don’t know how to make it stop. We went to my parents and on our drive past her house I saw him look right at her house. This time I didn’t start a fight out of it but it’s eating me up inside.


I know he can tell I’m upset about something and I really don’t want to start anything. I want to be able to drive past her house and it not bother me.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> What are you doing to feel better about yourself?


I am working out and eating better. I am also trying to take better care of myself mentally and physically. I had another insecure moment last night though. We were coming back from somewhere and passed her house and he looked straight at her house. He didn't even try to not look at it. I didn't cause a fight over it but i'm really struggling.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

HollieB said:


> Oh you poor dear, have you considered maybe just going to him and telling him you are not feeling the best about your own self confidence? I have 3 children I know what it is like and once you get on the other side of it years down the road it is easier to see how truly beautiful those imperfections are. I think you should not be so hard on yourself or on him. Easier said then done for sure. However if you talk with him just be honest being vulnerable is hard but he will appreciate it being explained to him.


Thank you....it is really hard. This girl hasn't had any kids and i know that is why she looks so good and has all those things. My husband was a single bachelor when i met him with no kids so sometimes i just wonder if he sees her and thinks "man if i was still single". i know i sound really crazy but we just drove by last night and she wasn't out or home but he looked right at her house. I didn't cause a fight but I'm struggling to understand why.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I’d imagine that you have talked about so much with him that he now looks over at it involuntarily. You did the right thing by not mentioning it.

Keep up with working on you. The more you do that, the better you’ll feel but it’s not going to be instantaneous. Give it time.


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

It's perfectly normal that he'd waive to somebody he went to school with. I wouldn't sweat it. You and he just had a baby, and your description of him doesn't cause me any doubt that he's fully aware of being a new dad and the husband of his new baby's mother.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you....it is really hard. This girl hasn't had any kids and i know that is why she looks so good and has all those things. My husband was a single bachelor when i met him with no kids so sometimes i just wonder if he sees her and thinks "man if i was still single". i know i sound really crazy but we just drove by last night and she wasn't out or home but he looked right at her house. I didn't cause a fight but I'm struggling to understand why.


Is there anyway you could _playfully_ turn this around to make your husband the one to feel insecure? Perhaps make a joke about him not taking good enough care of himself and letting himself go for the neighbor to even notice him as a man. Insinuate she may have only waved at him in the past just to be polite. Tell him to give up looking at that house because it will just never happen! 

This may be a playful way to make light of your own insecurities by projecting them onto your husband out of curiosity to see how he defends himself. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## jkmiller.family (18 h ago)

I’m in very similar situation wonder what counselor gave for advise .


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

really any guy does that, not as obvious as your husband. start doing the same thing and see his reaction - go outside in small shorts, and talk friendly to people. lets see if he likes that


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

This thread is over 2 years old.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jkmiller.family said:


> I’m in very similar situation wonder what counselor gave for advise .


@jkmiller.family This thread is three years old. Please let me suggest that you start a new thread specific for your needs?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

'tis Zombie Cat at your service. Closer of elderly threads, friend of mice, voles, puppies and stuff.


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