# Reconcilation and TOuching..anyone else feel akward?



## BeenThereAndSuffering

So H and I are reconciling, we have touched a few times, no sex though, but it felt different and weird...it felt good to me but I am not sure how it felt to him, just didn't feel the same as it did before the seperation..anyone else experiencing this?


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## tm84

My wife and I are attempting R, but it has been a rough trip, so far. I had an EA that was discovered last June and we are trying to work through the morass of feelings about each other and the relationship. 

To get to the point about touching, we don't. The few times that we have, it has been for an awkward hug here and there, but nothing else. We're living/sleeping together, but with no physical contact. When it does happen, it feels strange to me because I know that there are no real feelings behind it for her, no "loving" feelings, anyway. We haven't been able to reconnect in an intimate way yet and I wonder if we will, at this point. I'm trying to keep an eye on a positive future, but preparing for a real separation if this doesn't work.


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## This is me

We were seperated for 4 months and she is not open to intimacy, although we do hug and cuddle. I have had to pull back from her pressing her leg against my guy in bed for knowing she would refuse me. It is sad as I wouldn't want anything more than to connect with her in the ultimate connection.

I have been advised by female friends to not do anything until she is ready, if that ever happens. She has not intiated since our earliest days of marriage about 17 yrars ago.

It does not feel as good as it once did and I can only hope and pray she grows that loving heart again. Otherwise I will have to pray there will be someone who would love me again.


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## DownUnder

Its been 3 weeks since my husband moved back home and the awkwardness is still there. Intimacy is hard to come by and it feels that he is witholding affections until he is sure how he feels about me.

Im not sure when or how long this will go for...im praying that we will be able to rebuild our connection, closeness and intimacy again slowly.


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## par4

DownUnder said:


> Its been 3 weeks since my husband moved back home and the awkwardness is still there. Intimacy is hard to come by and it feels that he is witholding affections until he is sure how he feels about me.
> 
> Im not sure when or how long this will go for...im praying that we will be able to rebuild our connection, closeness and intimacy again slowly.


Which one of you had the affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

if there was infidelity it would certainly be akward to touch your spouse, especially as a betrayed knowing that some other person was touching them last. That was sort of the case with me after dday - at first she was still insistent on ilybinilwy and certain she wanted a separation but I kissed her anyway and it was messed up. Before dday we "made love" and during sex is when it became highly obvious to me, all the red flags suddenly became clear right then, that she had cheated, it was a horrible way to come to the realization.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering

My husband is the one who had the affair, but he is also the withdrawing from intimacy, no touching,kissing sex and etc...


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## BeenThereAndSuffering

DownUnder said:


> Its been 3 weeks since my husband moved back home and the awkwardness is still there. Intimacy is hard to come by and it feels that he is witholding affections until he is sure how he feels about me.
> 
> Im not sure when or how long this will go for...im praying that we will be able to rebuild our connection, closeness and intimacy again slowly.


this is my situation as well....I hope that things get better for yohu as well.


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## DownUnder

par4 said:


> Which one of you had the affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There was a woman at my husband's work that liked him and they went on a couple of dates after he left home. However he said nothing else developed from there because he said it didnt feel right when he was with her. He stopped seeing her sometime last year.

He did say one time in our marriage counselling that he felt the guilt sometimes when we are cuddling up because he felt that he didn't deserve to hold me.

He is carrying an incredible amount of guilt and he told our counseller that by leaving his family he has inflicted pain in everyone's lives (me, the kids, his parents and my parents).

At the same time, he is also unsure about his feelings and so confused about everything. He is going back to see the doctor for his depression next week, they might put him back in anti-depression meds eventho he said he doesn't like how the pill makes him feel tired.

BeenThereAndSuffering, i will pray for you too...i really hope both our marriage will be restored to a much better state that what it was before.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering

Thank you, its just so hard.........


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## Sparkles422

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> So H and I are reconciling, we have touched a few times, no sex though, but it felt different and weird...it felt good to me but I am not sure how it felt to him, just didn't feel the same as it did before the seperation..anyone else experiencing this?


Why didn't you ask him how he felt? And tell him how you felt. That was a communication point you missed. I am not lecturing but I listen to myself and if I have questions, I, NOW, ask them. Even the ones that make me squirm and feel extremely vulnerable. Watch and listen to yourself and ask: that is how we are re-building our relationship.

And with the open communication, the intimacy was better than ever in our marriage.

PS: I was extremely nervous but we both agreed to wait until we were ready. Funny enough, after discussing that and taking the tension and anxiety away, we were intimate. Funny how the crap disappears when you deal with it in a direct and unbiased way. No finger pointing just determined to improve and understand each other.

Good luck on your new path.


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## blueskies30

Me and my husband are reconciled after seperation too. He moved back home new years weekend. Touch is awkward for us too. There was affairs on both our parts. Mine was mostly EA over the computer and text. My Husband had an anger issue and I asked him to move out. During the time we were seperated he had an affair. Although now that we are going to marriage counseling he says it was not an affair because we were seperated and headed for divorce. I found out about this woman when my Husbsnd and I were in the middle of reconsiling.

My husband is the one who avoids intimacy that leads to sex. We have had sex only 3 times since he moved back in. I'm the one who wants to have sex and as often as possible. I was this way before seperation as well though. He has always not wanted to have sex often. Complicating matters is that he had hernia surgery on 2/17 and is still sore. So now he has an excuse to avoid sex. He did say yesterday that he's tired of wanting me, but not being able to do anything about it. It's almost like he's afraid to have sex. 

I wear sexier underwear than I did before seperation and instead of my Husbsnd seeming like he likes it, " he always says what's up with the weird underwear?"
So I don't know if it's a turn on and he just doesn't want to be turned on or he really doesn't like cheeky underwear
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeenThereAndSuffering

@ BlueSKies...at least he is looking at you, if I am in a room changing and the hubby walks in he says oh sorry and closes it and walks out. I don't see any sex in the near future..yikes..because I too have also been a go getter in the bedroom..he has told me in the last 2 days I LOVE YOU, which is an improvement from bye or see ya later...even got a kiss on the cheek when he left for work...so sad I tell ya, just don't know what to do..


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## CLucas976

the ex and I attempted a reconciliation recently.

apparently, oddly, when we touched or had sex there was so much MORE passion than we'd had in years. It was amazing, there was so much love left between us, and we even managed to make love, which we actually never really bothered with any of the years prior. (we're usually both to aggressive to slow down and just enjoy each other) 

Sad really, because that feeling didn't die. We just stopped talking again.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering

I hate to hear that CLucas976..we are having ups and downs..good days and bad.....hope things become more stable soon as I feel like I am losing my mind..


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## LookingForTheSun

For me, husband was unfaithful. I knew that sex was a major issue. I felt like if I withheld, than I would not be making it any easier to reconcile. I had mixed feelings about it - we started having sex almost immediately after, but with a condom until he had an STD test done. I teared up a few times at first, and have once or twice since, but it was just sex...something we always enjoyed and did well together, but not enough of because of life stuff....and he forgot, was tempted, and caved in. I almost wanted to at firt also to remind him that he was married to me, but had to wear a condom with his wife - how backwards is that. Since then, we are intimate a lot, but it is still just sex to me. I don't feel bad about it, because he is my husband. Making love is something different, and if we ever get to that point again, I will probably ball my eyes out. That is personal, and I am not sure I am emotionally ready to go there yet. Is that strange? Here I am wanting us to work out, but I can't let it go there yet, probably because I am still uncertain...to me, that would be putting my heart out there again. Another strange thing is I don't so much (although after reading this thread and posting I might) think about them when WS and I are together. It is very intense, and almost difficult to think of anything else than what is happening right then. It is when I am alone and all is quiet that stupid images pop in my head. I have even told WS that it has only been sex and nothing else. It has only been 9 days since last confession/final contact, and only been intimate once since -he has been sick and there were a few tense nights in there. Intimacy is important to us both, and I know important for our relationship. I guess it is for me to decide when it means something more to me than it does. I told him to tell me when he is in the mood and I will do the same...he does not so much, because he says that he is not sure that I want to be with him...understood. But I know that he wants to, because all I have to do is give him a smile and he is there. I don't think we could connect on the level that we need to to fix our relationship without intimacy. Maybe I am screwed up? Anyone else jump right back in, but feel the same - just sex? I want it to be more one day, but can't be unless the feelings are real and solid for both parties.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering

@LOOKINGFORTHESUN--I believe the intimacy of sex would help our relationship and not because I am a sexual woman, but because no matter what happened we could always connect in the bedroom and I think that will help move on the emotional rebonding we need as a couple, unfortunately my H keeps telling me he is not ready and our relationship still hasn't got to that level and he is the one who had the EA...I must admit some days I feel like there is progress cause he will wink at me or give me a quick kiss but by the next day I feel like we have taken 3 steps back because he becomes reclusive and depressed...this is killing me......slowly.......


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## Going Mental

He may not be completely out of his fog yet, and it may come and go. Having been the one in an EA and attempting reconciliation with H, you have your days where you think the fog is clearing and then it decends on you again. There will be triggers that set this off. This could be what is happening for him. 

Sex and intimacy will be issues for quite some time to come. Maybe time to agree to basic stuff like kisses, cuddles, winks etc but no sex. Don't rush things as you don't want to fall back into the same traps/routines that lead to the EA in the first place.


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## daisygirl 41

This is me said:


> We were seperated for 4 months and she is not open to intimacy, although we do hug and cuddle. I have had to pull back from her pressing her leg against my guy in bed for knowing she would refuse me. It is sad as I wouldn't want anything more than to connect with her in the ultimate connection.


She must know shes pressing her leg against you. Maybe shes testing the waters?


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## daisygirl 41

My H and i tried to R last summer after his EA and touch was very awkward for us. We have always been a very touchy feely kind of couple but he shut himself off from me completely. Any physical contact was initiated by me and it was awful. I have never felt so lonely in my life. I longed for him to reach out and touch me in any way. Looking back H was still deep in his A fog and he was not ready for R and this is why it failed.

Fast forward to this year. We have been in R for a month now and it is completely different. I have craved my Hs attention for almost a year and i told him that if our R was going to succeed one of the things that i needed from him was physical touch, hugs, kisses, holding hands etc etc. We both just fell back into it to be honest, and it isnt an effort to be physical. We both genuinely want it. t is helping us both. H said he is overwhelmed by my forgiveness and how i want him close to me, but i missed him so much this past year that i just feel that we have a lot of making up to do.

We were intimate very soon after R. Its almost as if i just wanted to get it over with. I know that must sound terrible, but i knew that if our R was going to be successful then intimacy was going to be a big part of it and i just wanted to get past that hurdle. The first couple of times i got upset and emotional, but its getting easier, if any thoughts of the OW come into my head i just push them away try and bury it. Easier said than done sometimes but i'm getting there.


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