# Wife's Emotional Affair on Facebook



## somewherethere (Sep 22, 2010)

Hello All: 

This is my first post. I'm coming here because I have nobody else to talk to about this. 

A few weeks ago I caught my wife having an emotional affair with another man through Facebook. 

I suspected there was something going on for a couple of weeks, because she was always on guard with the laptop at home and with her phone---she never acted this way. 

Finally I picked up her phone one night while she was making dinner and saw the exchange of words. It was an intimate conversation. I was heartbroken and felt like garbage. 

Turns out it was a doctor that asked her out a few months back. She told me about the time when she was asked out. I figured the guy didn't know she was married and dismissed it, believing my wife's loyalty to me is strong. 

We are barely through our first year of marriage. I've been with my wife for 8 years total. 

I confronted her about the Facebook chat and she admitted everything. She told me she felt trapped in our marriage and that she just wanted to see what it was like to be attractive. 

Things are better between us right now, but I have a lot of mistrust with her still. While I feel I'm healing from this EA right now, some bad feelings came back. 

For years we were able to log into eachother's email accounts. Now she's changed the passwords and has also put a password on her phone. We've always shared everything. 

This brought back a load of suspicion tonight. Should I be concerned or should I respect her privacy?

What are your thoughts?


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## NeedSpace (Sep 17, 2010)

I have been in your wife's shoes. All I can say is yes you should be worried. If she had nothing to hide then there would be no password locks on her FB and phone. She doesn't want you to find that she is still communicating with him is my guess. It's hard to just cut something like that off cold turkey. She is obviously getting something from him that she wasn't getting from you. For me, it's a multitude of things. Does she keep her phone on her at all times, even when going to the bathroom? IF it's charging, does she unplug it to just step away for a minute? Big red flags. Sorry not to give you better news, just my perspective.


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## somewherethere (Sep 22, 2010)

NeedSpace said:


> I Does she keep her phone on her at all times, even when going to the bathroom? IF it's charging, does she unplug it to just step away for a minute? Big red flags. Sorry not to give you better news, just my perspective.


She now leaves the phone out within my reach, even when she leaves the room. But it has a passcode lock. 

She deleted Facebook a few days after I confronted her about the emotional affair.


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## NeedSpace (Sep 17, 2010)

The fact that she deleted FB is a good sign however it would have made more sense for her to just "defriend" this guy. That would show that serious as well. But maybe she's being honest. Maybe ask her if you can "borrow" her phone or something and guage her reaction to that?


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## somewherethere (Sep 22, 2010)

NeedSpace said:


> The fact that she deleted FB is a good sign however it would have made more sense for her to just "defriend" this guy. That would show that serious as well. But maybe she's being honest. Maybe ask her if you can "borrow" her phone or something and guage her reaction to that?


She de-friended the guy right after I confronted her and then she decided that Facebook isn't a good thing for her, so she deleted that, partly because of the EA I found. 

I may do this down the future. Tonight I've been reading about how to crack passcodes on phones, but I figure perhaps I'm reading into things to much. 

I am at a point in this healing process where I am suspicious of everything. I never used to be like this, but now I'm like an overzealous dude, questioning everything....not directly to her, but in my heart and mind. 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm going crazy. 

Thanks for your perspective. I really appreciate it.


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## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

I am in the same predicament as you and my husband is really crazy in love with this other woman. '''as he says. He is unwilling to cut off any ties with her....it hurts. I am planning either to move out or make him move out


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

I was in your shoes, my ex did delete one social network account but opened up another one so she can continue talking to this man. I was at my wits end when I realized that no matter what I did she was bound to continue her activities. Each time she was caught she would attempt to hide her actions even more, each argument was somehow turned around to being "my fault". 

I learned one valuable lesson with my ex, when it came to her affairs I had to confront her with SOLID evidence because she was so manipulating that she make herself seem like a saint. So before the next confrontation have ROCK SOLID evidence to show.

Also my advice to you is read the many many posts on this site to give you some incite on what your next step should be. Understand this though (coming from someone who has been there), the chances are your wife has not stopped communicating with this doctor, she has only hidden it much better.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

SomeWhere (over the rainbow.....?),

RWB is right. yer cell phone co. should have online site. set it up now (hurry, b4 she does silly) and check her history. cell co., can help u w/ any Q's re: same.

dblkman is right too. get solid evidence, o/wise she'll con yer butt worse than it may be already.

also, dblk hinted at this, so i'll finish it; investigate w/out any denial syndrome keeping u from seeing/hearing/feeling the truth.
i.e., that it may be worse than u thought (hope not, but hey, may be dude).

when i read yer posts, i get sense u dont wanna even think about the worst case scenario.
but to me, u r already (kinda) there. i mean, one yr of marr'd life and u r dealing w/ this crud already?
(yes i know bout the 8yrs...but hey...shes got the ring, right?)

u probably wont listen to me, so go see fer yerself. go digging here on TAM and u'll see many a fella just like u. 
some got lucky. some did not. some are still "in it" so to speak.

others experiences are best teachers, methinks.

let us know how yers turns out, if u have the moxy.

good luck & God speed !

shalom.


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## somewherethere (Sep 22, 2010)

Hi: 

I just check our cell phone records. Looks like all the numbers that she has been calling and texting are cool. I don't see any numbers in her phone that I don't recognize. 

This gives me a great sense of relief this morning after posting my first message last night. 

But I am still concerned about that passcode on her phone. Maybe she did start up another social network to talk to this doctor. 

She's been really good to me since I confronted her about the EA. She's been attentive and apologetic. So I do think she is trying.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

nice ... so far.
but never put ur guard off


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Delete account and stay off Facebook forever. It is bad news.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok, one thing I have to say, and this may not apply to your circumstances, but a password on the phone and her carrying the phone even to the bathroom *may* not indicate cheating. I have a password on my phone and take it even to the bathroom, because I have 2 kids and I prefer to make sure they can't call China while I go pee.  However, I will also add that my boyfriend knows the password to my phone. Obviously, if you don't have kids, this isn't the case for you, but I just wanted to put it out there, as I see a lot of people say that's a sure sign of cheating, and while I agree that a lot of times it is, there are instances where it's not. But anyway...

The fact that you confronted her and she then did this tells me that she's hiding something. Whether it's more conversations with this man, something with someone else, or something completely unrelated to any of it, I don't know. But especially given that you used to have full access to each other's stuff, and now she's changing that...I can't help but think it's a bad thing. 

One of the keys to rebuilding trust after something like this, in my opinion anyway, is full access. Being able to check their e-mail, their phone, text messages, everything. It not only shows you, in black and white that they're doing nothing wrong, but it also shows that they understand they did wrong and want to make things right. It's one of the quickest and easiest ways to begin rebuilding trust. What she's doing is the exact opposite of that, which means she's hiding something and/or doesn't care about rebuilding trust.


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## lil miss wifey (Sep 5, 2010)

well as the female here b4 with my ex i use to leave my phone anywhere at his house and i tell u anywhere but when i started cheating in him that phone was no show, well i could post this because my ex wasnt good to me at all that doesnt mean i should have cheated on him but he didnt wanted us to break up so .......but anyway well the chatting over the internet thing well she could be honest about not chatting with this person but deleting him is just saying she has moved on to the next level of cheating, so now she could hide better make agreements with this guy not to call her she will call him, no messages but still if she is still hiding she will feel shaky leaving her phone out in the open but anyway all this is for if she is cheating hope she isnt, one way u would know if she is cheating is if she is more silent than she was b4 all this happened or if she is too happy or nice with u, this means the guy is on her mind and she is cool with u, (trying to make u think everything is ok) so dont be tricked by her nice behaviour, u got to make sure she is focus on u and let her earn ur thrust back forget if u r thinking too much or whatever and the next thing, if she is really cheating instead of showing u how honest she is with u she will play the victim always wanting to be the one to walk out or be apologized to, man ive been there, u seem like a nice guy so dont turn into a killer here its not worth it but anyway good luck man


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

I'm trying to maintain a 'no-contact' policy with someone I had an emotional affair with for the last 2 years, and I can tell you that WANTING to stop and actually doing it are very different. For her to say she wanted to feel attractive when you've been married a year?? That's not good. Find out (with help, maybe?) what's gotten off track & work on putting things back where they should be.


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## Desolute (Sep 24, 2010)

I am at a point in this healing process where I am suspicious of everything. I never used to be like this said:


> Many marriages are breaking down because of cyber-dating. My heart is with you cos my husband has been doing that to me and I can fully understand what you have been through all this while.....


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

somewherethere: you mention that you are in the healing process: what exactly are you doing to heal this? I mean, what exact steps are you taking WITH your wife to rebuild your marriage? 

An analogy: if you break your arm, its certainly possible to just let it heal - but unless you get the bones set, you will lose at least some of the use of that arm. 

On top of this, Seeker hints at a very important point:



> ...I can tell you that WANTING to stop and actually doing it are very different. For her to say she wanted to feel attractive when you've been married a year?? That's not good. Find out (with help, maybe?) what's gotten off track & work on putting things back where they should be. ...


Most affairs (and I have yet to run into the exception) occur as a solution to a problem in the marriage. A terrible solution, a bad choice, and automatically wrong, but still a choice. It is perceived as the solution to the problem (usually without considering the consequences). The affair caused damage - but unless the problem that brought about this decision is addressed, you are looking at possible similar situations in the future - or even the end of your marriage. Any problem to which an affair seems to be the solution is a problem that must be addressed. And you wife gave you at least one clue. 

There are tools (questionnaires) you and your wife can work on together that can really help you. If you and your wife are looking to work on the marriage, I can link them for you.


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## sweetpeaflower (Sep 23, 2010)

I think you're concentrating on the wrong things. I don't believe trying to crack the password on her phone or viewing her calls will help the situation. It may make you feel better in the short term, but what really counts is finding out what is making her stray in the first place and fixing it. If she is totally happy in this situation, she wouldn't even be thinking of straying. What has changed? Has it become mundane and boring and different just because you guys got married? Treat her like the girlfriend she used to be. Be her soul mate. She won't want to look elsewhere if she is happy.


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## somewherethere (Sep 22, 2010)

Hello All: 

So I asked my wife about the phone password. She immediately gave me the code and explained why she changed it (because her nice who is 7 constantly gets in her phone). I didn't bother looking in the phone at all. She seemed up front. 

She did get a bit defensive when I asked her about the code and then got sad all over again, feeling guilty how she created me to be like this (suspicious). 

I believe she understands my concerns and said she understands. 

As far as any thing missing in our marriage: 

I've been with my wife for seven years before we got married. Every day I tell her I love her and I show it too. I always compliment her on her looks, her clothes, etc. 

Her explanation on what's missing is "not something I did or not doing." 

I told her I should share some of the blame in the EA because obviously she wasn't satisfied with me only. 

I'm trying my best to be extra loving and flirty. She's been responding. 

But for a bit of background here: My wife has never been in a long term relationship before me. I'm her first man, to put it into the sense. We started dating in our early twenties. I waited a year until we consummated the relationship...in a sense (it feels weird telling a bunch of strangers this, but for the sake of understanding, I'm disclosing this). 

On the night I discovered my wife's emotional affair on Facebook, my wife told me she wanted to see what it was like to be attracted by someone else and that I wasn't the cause of this contact. 

My wife has also been hanging out with a MUCH younger cousin who just turned 21. This cousin is constantly sharing stories about all the men she has been with. Before the EA, my wife was hanging out with her A LOT. She even got the urge to go to night clubs which was very unusual for my wife. I suspect this may have contributed to this want to seek attraction from someone else.

As far as healing goes: I've forgiven my wife. I've acknowledge that somewhere along the line I need to be more attentive to her and I need to be more like a boyfriend too. For this, I have had to acknowledge my own mistakes and forgive myself. 

My wife is working hard. For this, I love her even more.


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## copperfiend (Nov 18, 2010)

RWB said:


> SomeWhere,
> 
> If you and her share a Cell Plan you can log online to your account and check usage. My cell log show all phones on the plan. I can check back 18 months on line and see all calls and text. After looking at my wife's call pattern and length I got a pretty good idea how long her affair had been going on.


That is how I was able to find out my wife was still talking to the guy she had an EA with. I had looked online at her texting history and saw the numbers she texted the most. When I had her phone, I took down all the numbers. I was advise it but be warned, it might be hard to stomach.


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## Mrs.hopefull (Jan 7, 2011)

you seem to getting lots of good advice from others, but i thought it may be helpful if i shared my thoughts too. we are pretty much in the same boat right now i am new to this website since last night and my husband had an emotional affair on facebook a few weeks back with an old ex girlfriend. after i confronted him and all that he got rid of his facebook, but to find out that he just deactivated it and now has it up again. are you sure that your wife has deleted it completly???

i never used to snoop through his stuff till now but what i do is i go though his email. his email is linked to his facebook so i can see who is sending him messages even the private ones. the only thing is, is that he erases everything after hes sees it. so if your wife hasnt changed her email password you might get lucky and have a link to see whats going on. hope this helps. reading your story has helped me a lot. i was feeling like i was crazy to be so hurt from an emotional affair.


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## Just about 40 (Feb 5, 2011)

her iphone went off one night in the middle of the night while i was close to it, and i saw the string of msgs, romantic, showing interest and a desire to meet "again". i knew something was up because she was defensive about me posting on her FB page, acting like I policed it or something, but couldnt understand why i didnt like other single men "liking" the pictures she made for me for valentines day, but then posted for all to see. communication was me always asking "whats wrong" and getting "i dont know", or "nothing" in return. and then ultimately the statement that i was pushing her away by asking so much. i was loving, attentive, affectionate. she rarely was in 10 yrs of marriage. sex was one sided, her answer was she was willing, but just wasnt the initiating type. i never felt close to her emotionally, she was always in a shell. but then she found her old "just a friend" on FB, and he professed his love for her on her best friends page, and i saw it. then came the hundred of text msgs. some at 4am, some at midnite. she took over the cell phone bill and changed the password. added a passlock to her phone. made it so if i accessed the phone account online it would send her a message on her phone to which she would immediately call me asking what are you checking up on me???
well, it was an affair. shes 2 weeks late now. but no remorse, no discussion, not even a "Sorry". she gives me half-hugs and granny peck kisses. I say I love you and i get "loveyoutoo" in a mumbled garble. we have a kid though, been together for fifteen years. married for 10. now this. funny how all of "our" mutual friends havent spoken to me in months it seems. shes said something to them im sure. I wish there was a video recorder in my house for 10 years. that way I could prove how she is behind closed doors, when not putting up her front. 
i am in hell. i make all the advances for attentiveness, and she doesnt. shes still taking her cell to the bathroom with her, everytime she leaves the room she takes it with her. shes on it at 4am in the morning when she gets up until the time she goes to bed. she still has her affair partner as a friend on FB, and still his "lovin that sweetie" posts on her pictures. and her friends see this, and say nothing? these were friends of mine too supposedly.


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## stoney96 (Jul 20, 2009)

Just a word to the wise about facebook.

Just because its deleted on the computer, doesnt mean its gone.

Almost every phone comes with the app nowdays. Also, even if the app is not used, or delted, it can be accessed via the web browser on smart phones.

Either usage won't show up unless you check the data transmission charges and see an increase over normal phone use.

And, don"t assume that all messages sent via facebook are confirmed with an additional e-mail. That is the default setting, but it can be easily changed to not send notices.

If you are unsure, I would log-on to the OM's account, and check his friends log. If she has truely deleted her account, it won't be on his page.

And from personal experience, don't get complacent like I did and take your spouses word for it over your suspicions. Sometimes its better to be slightly cautious than to live with your head in the sand.

JT


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## wendygirl (Jun 27, 2011)

My husband was caught after 5 1/2 months. He didn't know that when he closed FB, he was still logged in. We've been together 29 yrs & I had no reason to suspect anything until I opened FB, thinking it was my account, & noticed I had lots of messages. I change my profile pic often & sometimes we share pictures so I didn't notice right away that it wasn't even my profile. Then I looked at the messages & saw an unfamiliar woman's name. I still wouldn't have been bothered, except that she sent him 12 messages within a 5 minute period. Then I noticed that over 6,000 messages were exchanged between them over the 5 1/2 months. I did what any smart woman would do - I copied all of them into a Word document, installed an add-on for Firefox that would record his chat history & installed a keylogger that not only recorded every keystroke, but also took screen shots of her side of the conversation.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

somewherethere said:


> Hello All:
> 
> For years we were able to log into eachother's email accounts. Now she's changed the passwords and has also put a password on her phone. We've always shared everything.
> 
> This brought back a load of suspicion tonight. Should I be concerned or should I respect her privacy?


Yes, you should be very concerned.

The password lock on the mobile and changed passwords means she's gone underground. She's excluding you.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

somewherethere said:


> Hello All:
> 
> Be concerned. Buy a key logger. www.webwatcherdata.com is a very good one. My husband had multiple EA, and was pushing hard for a PA. I read them all. Him talking smack about me. How he wished he was divorced from me. How he wanted to hook up with a coworker. He hits on everyone online. And so I confronted him, with the printouts. And he swore to reform. He excused himself in his mind by saying there was no sex involved, so what's the harm? We see a marriage conselor tonight for the first time. I hope we can make it work. If not, I thank God I caught him before he hooked up with his coworker. She continued to message him after I emailed her to stop and leave my family in peace. So I took a little drive to her house to give her husband the damning printouts of their long, long texting and messaging about how hot they were for eachother and when and how they could get together. That squelched that. Now I moniter his keystrokes, etc. He has been good, thwarted the attempts of other women. He put himself out there as a player for SO long, many, many women are seeing a deadend, and have to find someone else to be intimate with. We'll see what the marriage counselor says tonigh.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Old thread alert!!!


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Just about 40 said:


> Geez, my heart goes out to you. My husband was up all hours texting a coworked and other females. They were sexual/itimate in nature. All the while telling me I was ridiculous when I suggested he was having an affair. The woman he was trying to transition from an EA to a PA sat next to me at a bridal shower and chatted like she was my best friend. Then she would go home and text him about the sex dream she had about him, and how she could not stop thinking about him. EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED AFFAIR = EMOTIONALLY DETACHED MARRIAGE. He was so negligent. So removed. No sex. Told me it was his diabetes. Now with my web logger I find out he beats off every day of his life. It really hurts. I have kids with him. I take good care of myself. I still look much younger than my age, and am in good shape. It all just stinks. When I confronted him, printed out all the texts, he told me that there was no physical involvement, that I had nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, he is planning on getting together with his coworker and another woman he used to know from his neighborhood. Try a key logger. www.webwatcherdata is excellent. Catch her in the act, print it out and confront her. Take it from there. I am trying to salvage my marriage. We are seeing a marriage counselor tonight. We'll see what happens.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

somewherethere said:


> She now leaves the phone out within my reach, even when she leaves the room. But it has a passcode lock.
> 
> She deleted Facebook a few days after I confronted her about the emotional affair.


It's really easy to just log onto Facebook and start up again. Then you can delete it again. All your information is still there. Don't think deleting a Facebook account is confirmation of her squelching her cheating. My husband would delete it, then start it up again the next day. Then delete it. Get a Key Logger.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

It may be an old thread alert but cyber cheating ain't old, its happening real-time and under many people's noses! The cheating goes on in your front room, bedroom, bathroom, car, on the tennis court, or wherever. 

In fact, anywhere the mobile and computer is the cheater is always there and at it big time. It is like having a constant 24/7 curb crawler shadowing your life.

Tip:

Look out for missing bank statements or ink scoreouts hiding the online "subscription" payment. 

A number of the social networking sites are like hookups for online prostitution, loose laisions where either party is prepared to drop their knickers at a minute notice whilst deliberating putting their spouse at risk of thrush and a whole raft of other potential STDs and of course OW/OM's sloppy seconds. 

"Cyber Cheating Stinks" may have nipped her cheating husband in time. 

The tactic of first finding out who the cheater is and then printing off the saucy messages and handing them to other woman's husband was a good action to take. 

For anyone who hasn't been able to find out the OP, don't despair, even if its too late for you, its never too late to expose the OP even if it is years later. 

The OW doesn't care a dogs **** about the havoc about to be unleashed into your life. Home, money, lifestyle, everything, I mean everything is put at risk for their secret affair. 

A spouse or SO's failure to know what the other half is up to at any time and more so online means a huge risk for the blissfully unaware spouse sitting at home trusting her man, or his woman. 

Get wise. If your man is into porn jacking off when you are at home, or at it as soon as you are out the door this is one big mighty red flag. Beware. 

If smut emails are hitting his email box then this another big red flag so be on the look out. 

As Dr Phil says get rid of the porn addict, they'll destroy you and break your heart. They are usually charming, plausible and like a scorpian's sting lethal. 

The cheaters will stop at nothing. The harm inflicted by the cheater on the non cheater deserves recognition in the courts as a serious emotional crime calculated against another human being. 

Getting rid of the other woman was the right thing to do here.

For people who think it is too late...it is never too late. The cheater moves amongst your "friends" and people you thought were your friends sometimes embrace the cheater into friend events. 

Anyone with a friend that is a cheater means bad news. Cheaters should be given a wide berth. 

Why should the cheaters move on as if they had a great time act as if nothing happened whilst the hurt spouse is left reeling from shock and picking up the pieces. 

There should even be a cheater's prison so that compensation should be made for deliberating violating another human being and causing serious emotional harm and financial damage.

The harm some spouses/SO have inflicted upon another after cheating is so severe that there should be a public list of cheaters so decent people can keep well away from them and thus avoid the harm and havoc that goes hand and hand with a cheater. 

Cheaters are bad news. Liars, cheaters have virtually every bad characteristic all wrapped up into one. 

Best to give them a wide berth and be much more discerning in future. 

If a cheater is in your group of friends make it known that you do not want him or her to be around your group of friends looking for their next hook up.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

somewherethere said:


> Hello All:
> 
> 
> As far as any thing missing in our marriage:
> ...


I hate to tell you this, but... she is just not into you. Maybe she was at one time, but not anymore. She will do this again my friend. She is doing what you want her to do to bide her time until a guy she is into comes along.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Lazarus said:


> It may be an old thread alert but cyber cheating ain't old, its happening real-time and under many people's noses! The cheating goes on in your front room, bedroom, bathroom, car, on the tennis court, or wherever.
> 
> In fact, anywhere the mobile and computer is the cheater is always there and at it big time. It is like having a constant 24/7 curb crawler shadowing your life.
> 
> ...


Man! That was well thought out and well written! Wonderful! Thank you! No cheaters in my group of friends! I will strive to keep it that way! "Home Wreckers Not Welcome!" What an awesome doormat that would be!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The one thing I have learned is what you think you know is not everything you need to know. At this point trust needs to be re earned by your wife if she really is remorseful about what she has done.
1 get a keylogger on the computers.
2 no passowords on the phone and she needs to tell you what the passowrds are for FB and every email account. You need the keylogger because she will just set up a new email account.
3 look at your phone logs increase calls to numbers you do not know. texts messages are the number of messages on the increase.
4 get a VAR for the car as well. 

Call this doctor and cofront him. Was she a patient at one point. He could loose his lic.

This is not over my friend keep looking. Check the photos on the phone and check for photos on the laptop.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Question to those who suggest keyloggers:

How can this be installed on a computer that is locked by password by the administrator (WS)? Can you still install even tho you can't log in?

BTW I hate Facebook too.... As soon as I heard about it, I knew it was trouble!!


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