# would you settle for a courthouse wedding?



## belinda222 (Jul 15, 2013)

I see nothing wrong with court house weddings as long as both parties wanted it and agreed to it, and I know its the marriage that's important. I am also NOT trying to offend anyone that has had a court house wedding and I see it just as meaningful as any other type of wedding. I am just upset I was lead on for years and waited and sacrificed in hopes of having a different type wedding.

Long story short, we are in a 10yr relationship with 1 child . We got engaged in 2009. I know that is a very long engagement. I waited this long because he promised me the wedding I wanted nothing spectacular -100 people and nothing over the top. Now when I started looking up banquet halls etc. I am getting the run around and he is saying its a waste of money and we should just go to a court house, knowing how important it is to me to have my family there and I feel as if we deserve our moment since we have such a solid relationship and for so long and this is all he wants for us? a court house?

we can afford it but its like he doesn't care.

would you settle?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I think you already have. He knew the type of wedding you wanted, but didn't rush to get you there. Now, engaged 4 years, together for 10, and he's pushing what's important to you to the back burner again. You said you can afford it, so it's not that. By him calling something that's so important to you a waste of money, after making you wait for it -- he's giving you an indication of what the rest of your life will be like. 

But, OTOH, you've let him do this, too. You've been together so long that you're basically married except for the ceremony and the legal status. You have a home, a child, etc. 

If it is such a solid relationship, why doesn't he respect your feelings over something this important to you? Why doesn't he care if his choice will make you give up something you really wanted? If you felt you were lead on in this, take a closer look and see if you've been hanging in there waiting for other things.

IMO, those are the types of questions you need to ask yourself before you become legally bound to him. This may be a blessing in disguise - a chance to reevaluate everything before it's too late.

(And I have nothing against courthouse weddings, btw. I had one)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'd rather have a piss poor wedding than a piss poor marriage. If couples spent half as much time planning a marriage as they do a wedding, there would be substantially fewer divorces. A wedding is a few hours out of one day. A marriage is the rest of your life. Lots of folks spend a fortune on a wedding and stay married a couple years. My grandparents were dirt poor and had a very simple wedding. They recently celebrated their 74th anniversary. Of all the things that were significant in their life, the way they got married wasn't one of them.


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## Dustball (May 16, 2012)

I settled, and then I settled for more crap. We were to have 3 weddings, the courthouse one, and 2 different religious services as we have different beliefs. We did the courthouse thing, it was blah, not memorable. The only thing special that day was the very few people who drove long distance to be with me, by best friend bought me a beautiful dress and did my make up and everything. And that was it. A year went by, and when I asked about the other two weddings, he flew off the handle, like I was asking for something stupid when it was his idea in the first place. The rest of the marriage was on his own terms, and now we are divorcing.

I hope your story has a different ending, I hope you get all that you hoped for. But don't settle for anything less than you deserve. I should have known.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Look at that or if you can afford it, a destination wedding for the two of you where you can have a private wedding but still a ceremony with a cake, dress and tux, music, beach, minister, dancing, and a nice dinner for the two of you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

belinda222 said:


> I waited this long *because* he promised me the wedding I wanted nothing spectacular -100 people and nothing over the top.
> 
> would you settle?


Belinda, I think you waited for the wrong reasons. Too bad you weren't waiting because you were concerned about his needs, but you're sort of getting what you gave, it sounds like.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Whether I or any others here would settle for a courthouse wedding is immaterial. Sounds like you were promised a full wedding and that promise is now not forthcoming. If you settle on something so much less now, how often might that set the stage for future promises not kept and having to "settle" for something of his choosing, not yours?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

IMHO it depends on what you both want from your wedding day.
Why is getting married now such a big deal for you, after all you say you have been together for 10 years and have a child together so if that is working for you why go to the trouble / expense of getting married 
Is having your friends and family witness you taking your vows / making your declarations that’s important.
Is it a particular religious service or blessing,
Is it the whole white dress / limo / lovely location. 
Is it the reception food / drinks / entertainment.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

My opinion only. After 10 years already living together I would not have a wedding like the one you want. I would have settled for the court house wedding when I got married. We were both living apart. If I were in your shoes and wanted to celebrate I would have my family and close relatives over for a nice dinner. No wedding dress, but dressed nicely. Reminds me of sex in the city when Miranda says "I have a child, the gigs up" to the lady who wants to sell her a wedding dress. 

But that's me, if you want a full blown wedding because it means something to you, and you can afford it and it was even promised then don't settle. You have been doing so for too many years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Why not compromise? That's what my estranged husband and I did. His family wanted a big, fancy wedding. My family, however, doesn't do those. At the time he was a student and I had just graduated. Money was really scarce.

We got married at the courthouse. Two weeks latter my MIL threw a big reception/party for us. It really was a win win event for everyone. Everyone got to really enjoy the party--no stress. People liked the idea. A lot of the guest who did have big weddings themselves, wished that they had taken our route.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your priorities in life are misplaced. You have a child. Get married in the courthouse.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Me personally no way. But I live in the suburb of a big city and the first thing you have to do is get in line with all the alleged criminal baby Mommas and baby Daddy to go through the metal detector. Then you have to wait out in the family court lobby with all that drama. I rather get married in the one br roach infested apt that was our first home than go to the courthouse.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It would depend on the situation and finances. I don't have any issues getting married in the courthouse since I've already had 2 weddings of my own. If I'd never been married before and I wanted a wedding, then I'd plan for a small wedding within my budget.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I know i'll get flack for this but expensive weddings have to be one of the most destructive forces to money and wealth ever created. Its absolutely insane how much they cost for so little return but i'm sure women see it differently. I've seen many couples do a simple, small ceremony and use their budget to buy a house which IMHO is a much better use of money long term. Large weddings are again IMHO a waste of good money.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Choosing what (if any) type of marriage to have does seem to be so much more of a dilemma now than it was in generations past. There is not the pressure from society for people to get married before starting a family and society (in the main) is more willing to accept those who lead lives that would have been seen as unacceptable just a couple of decades ago. (Whether that is a good thing or not is a matter of opinion).

I know I would not have "felt married" if I had not been married in my parish church in front of the congregation, families and friends. Things were different for us though as we had not lived together and did not have a child.

I think that people should look for a form of celebration that matches both their circumstances and their dreams.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Sanity said:


> I know i'll get flack for this but expensive weddings have to be one of the most destructive forces to money and wealth ever created. Its absolutely insane how much they cost for so little return but i'm sure women see it differently. I've seen many couples do a simple, small ceremony and use their budget to buy a house which IMHO is a much better use of money long term. Large weddings are again IMHO a waste of good money.


I don't think you will get any flack. After all it is just your opinion. 

you could say that for any large celebration that expensive. Celebration is a way of life for some culture. You could say that for proms, banquets, large holiday celebration. And you could continue not to celebrate unless you do it cheaply. If that makes you happy. Just don't begrudge any else who choose to have a few large celebration in their lifetime


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sanity said:


> I know i'll get flack for this but expensive weddings have to be one of the most destructive forces to money and wealth ever created. Its absolutely insane how much they cost for so little return but i'm sure women see it differently. I've seen many couples do a simple, small ceremony and use their budget to buy a house which IMHO is a much better use of money long term. Large weddings are again IMHO a waste of good money.


I agree with you some people go into debt for their wedding, why start out broke. Others spend so much they could have made a good down payment on a house.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I agree with you some people go into debt for their wedding, why start out broke. Others spend so much they could have made a good down payment on a house.



My wife and I knew that we were not prepared to go into debt for our wedding and neither of us expected our families to pay for it. 

With that as our control we did do the full "Church Wedding", white dress for her top hat and tails for me, bridesmaids, choir, church bells etc but after the service we just invited everybody to join us in the church hall for soft drinks, sandwiches and cakes before we and immediate family only went on for a meal. 
By midnight we were on our own for our first night together in our own home.


BTW I am not saying that our way is right just that it worked for us. each to their own.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> My wife and I knew that we were not prepared to go into debt for our wedding and neither of us expected our families to pay for it.
> 
> With that as our control we did do the full "Church Wedding", white dress for her top hat and tails for me, bridesmaids, choir, church bells etc but after the service we just invited everybody to join us in the church hall for soft drinks, sandwiches and cakes before we and immediate family only went on for a meal.
> By midnight we were on our own for our first night together in our own home.
> ...


Oh I agree, I was just chiming in that its reasonable to go within budget. Huge weddings are great too if that's what's important you.

We had the most beautiful weddding, it was not as small as I wanted as my mom took over my invitations. but it was simple but nice, things just came together and it was very heartfelt. Everyone was happy.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Just to remind of the OP's post -- she said money is not the issue. They can afford the wedding, and she has said she doesn't want anything over the top. He is refusing to do it at all, and says that what she wants is a waste of money.


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## belinda222 (Jul 15, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Your priorities in life are misplaced. You have a child. Get married in the courthouse.


*find your response offensive, not just for me but for anyone that has had a traditional wedding (I am guessing you believe their priorities are messed up to?) Excuse me but why are my priorities in life misplaced? * You don't know me well enough or know how much I have accomplished. I know that we have a child and I told you money is no a issue! plus my family will see it as disrespectful to just run off and not include them, my dad wants to hand me over at my wedding, For a lot of people that means a lot to them. I feel like my partner she have expressed his views years ago instead of misleading me and that is the problem I am having with him.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

belinda222 said:


> *find your response offensive, not just for me but for anyone that has had a traditional wedding (I am guessing you believe their priorities are messed up to?) Excuse me but why are my priorities in life misplaced? * You don't know me well enough or know how much I have accomplished. I know that we have a child and I told you money is no a issue! plus my family will see it as disrespectful to just run off and not include them, my dad wants to hand me over at my wedding, For a lot of people that means a lot to them. I feel like my partner she have expressed his views years ago instead of misleading me and that is the problem I am having with him.


If you're problem is being misled by your boyfriend then you titled the thread incorrectly.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Yes! We loved each other and that was all that mattered! 
Looking back now, there are a couple things I would have done differently. But marrying him was the best decision ever. We both agreed, back then, that the money should be used towards other things. I guess we are both very practical people )


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree that this is about unfulfilled promises, not whether or not a courthouse wedding is right or wrong. It depends on the couple involved. It's obviously not right for this poster. It doesn't sound like she wants anything extravagant, just a special day that she has been promised for years.

My wedding was very small, about 20 people, but very special and fun. We didn't spend a ton of time or money planning it but I would not have liked a courthouse wedding. Marriage is about compromise and this is a good place to start.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

belinda222 said:


> Long story short, we are in a 10yr relationship with 1 child . We got engaged in 2009. I know that is a very long engagement. I waited this long because he promised me the wedding I wanted nothing spectacular -100 people and nothing over the top. Now when I started looking up banquet halls etc. I am getting the run around and he is saying its a waste of money and we should just go to a court house, knowing how important it is to me to have my family there and I feel as if we deserve our moment since we have such a solid relationship and for so long and this is all he wants for us? a court house?
> 
> we can afford it but its like he doesn't care.
> 
> would you settle?


There are as many special occasions in life as we choose to celebrate. Going to the court house doesn't sound like much of a celebration, so I'd be wondering if he really is excited about marrying in the first place. I'd start with that - does he really want to get married?

Is there a way to compromise? Could you cut down on the guest list? Who are these 100 guests - do they include people who are special to him or is it mostly your family and friends? Does it need to be in a banquet hall with a full dinner, or could the reception be held at someone's home? One of the nicest receptions I've been to was a smallish one at the bride's parents' house (combined indoors and outside).


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Kobo said:


> If you're problem is being misled by your boyfriend then you titled the thread incorrectly.


Kinda nit-picky, no? She expressed the idea clearly in the first post. The title is totally relevant, as, on the surface, he's telling her to settle for a courthouse wedding.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your priorities are misplaced because you care more about your father than your child. You refer to your family as an important concept but ignore the need to create a family for your child. A wedding means nothing to the person in this equation who most depends and benefits from this marriage.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

angelpixie said:


> Kinda nit-picky, no? She expressed the idea clearly in the first post. The title is totally relevant, as, on the surface, he's telling her to settle for a courthouse wedding.


Her question and title is a comparison of types of wedding ceremonies which is why she got responses regarding those types of wedding ceremonies. Phrase the question differently and she would get more answers relating to her actual issue. If the issue isn't actually the wedding ceremony then a question like:

"How would you handle being misled by your fiance?"


She can then explain how her boyfriend misled her regarding the wedding ceremony. The responses to the post would be far more inline with what she is seeking. Not being nit-picky. Trying to help her communicate what she desires more effectively.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

If this relationship has a foundation of unkept promises, and disrespect, then getting 'officially' married, in a courthouse or a church isn't going to matter a hill of beans. As far as their child is concerned, they are a family. He/she doesn't know or care if there's a piece of paper officially recognizing it. 

She is feeling like she was led on and is feeling disrespected. Knowing what I know, after the end of my marriage, I would think twice about where the relationship is likely to go, married or not. He's been showing who he is. 

Yes, he is asking you to settle, OP, and no, I personally don't think you should. It's something that is important to you, and something that realistically, he should be happy about and looking forward to, also. It's not just you getting married, you are marrying each other. You have told him that the traditions involved are important to you and to your family (who, I assume, are sort of his family, too, since you've been together so long), so he's disrespecting the lot of you.

Again, I think you should look back at your relationship and see if this is a pattern. This may be a time to do some soul searching before you make it all legal.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

OP, don't listen to those who are here bashing and belittling you. It's not worth getting upset over. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting your father walking you down the isle. There is nothing wrong with having a wedding with a child involved.

With my second marriage, my daughter wore an identical dress as mine. My husband and I made her a big part of the wedding. We also bought her a very nice diamond ring with her birthstone, which was put away until she turned 18. My first born was from my first marriage.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

We got married on the beach at sunset. It was beautiful and cost less than $500 and that included my dress. 

If he knew you wanted a wedding then don't let him push you to settle for the court house. Or maybe spend the money on a honeymoon/trip instead.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

We got mattied in the court house in East St. Louis Il.....A total hell hole....I carried her through a foot of snow to the door...

We have been married 47 years, so it seems to have taken....

My niece was given the choice of a big wedding, RR limo, the whole 9 yards, or a home, paid in full......

She chose the BIG WEDDING.......

18 years and 2 kids later they are still living in semi squalor in a tiny 2 br shack......

I'll bet she feels a lot different now..

the woodchuck


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Why have you waited so long for the wedding, was it him?

You only want what was promised, seems like you are being reasonable, this was discussed and agreed to. Sit him down and explain how you feel. I hope you can figure it out.


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## belinda222 (Jul 15, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Your priorities are misplaced because you care more about your father than your child. You refer to your family as an important concept but ignore the need to create a family for your child. A wedding means nothing to the person in this equation who most depends and benefits from this marriage.


difference of opinion I guess? it's not that my father is my primary concern its the unit of FAMILY that is both my side of family and his! everyone has been supportive of us in many ways and I feel as if they would be left out.. Marriage is also a joining of both sides of family. The guest list consists of 50 of my family and 50 of his.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

pollywog said:


> We got married on the beach at sunset. It was beautiful and cost less than $500 and that included my dress.
> 
> If he knew you wanted a wedding then don't let him push you to settle for the court house. Or maybe spend the money on a honeymoon/trip instead.


There are lots of ways they can do that. This is why I suggested the destination wedding, because it could be for the TWO of them (I am not suggesting they drag along guests and up the ante with money and making their friends go and spend $$). It would be a trip for the two of them and she could get the ceremony she wants. They could also have a really nice special honeymoon at the same time.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

OP- is his issue that he doesn't want a big church wedding, or that he doesn't want family involved, or that he doesn't want to spend anything more than the minimum to get it done at the courthouse? Or something else? I feel like we're getting off track here. Please clarify what the _exact_ issue is between the two of you. Thank you.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I'm not sure I'm qualified to have an opinion on this, but although I know you are wanting a bigger wedding, don't forget the whole point of the wedding - officially promising to spend your life with the person you love. What about a compromise? My daughter just got married, it was a simple outdoor wedding at a gazebo we rented with about 40 guests and a nice dinner at a nearby restaurant afterwards. A little wedding chapel might be nice too. It is fairly easy to find a minister that will perform a ceremony just about anywhere, so find a location that both of you like and have a simple wedding there. It will be nicer than a courthouse but not as elaborate as a big traditional wedding.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Every big wedding that I ever visited that was a first marriage for both the bride and groom, ended in eventual divorce.
I sometimes think that the process only serves the people charging for their services.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

belinda222 said:


> would you settle?


Loaded terminology, it seems to me. 

There are a number of ways to get married, including having a commissioner who isn't religiously affiliated marry you. A friend, in our case. Next to our woodstove in the cabin we live in. 

I guess in the interests of full disclosure we did have a ceremony that was non-official in the Philippines. Not in a Church, but in a park. Sheesh, the Catholic Priests there sure were arrogant. I wasn't going to lie and kiss their rear end, and you don't have to. To get married. 

Expense should never be used as validation of a wedding. If you can afford it and think that's important, fine. We follow the "boat" rule. If you can buy a boat with the money, buy the boat. Also known as the four-wheeler rule. Snowmobile rule. Etc.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

My wife and I are agnostic so the ceremony was meaningless she also said she would feel bad making me spend money on a wedding so we did nothing really.


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