# Will I Ever Fully Believe Her?



## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

Now that I know that my wife has straight out lied to me to protect herself, as well as trickle truthed me, it's hard for me to take what she says as 100% honest. Or even 90%. There are so many things now that I question from back then or even recently, that I never would have questioned before. Once the trust was broken, it opened the floodgates. 

She claims that of the two men she cheated on me with back 6 years ago, the one man it only escalated to making out and groping on top of clothes. Him touching her breasts and her butt, but of course she didn't touch him. She claims that the first time it happened (the first instance of her cheating on me), that they only kissed for a few minutes out by her car as she was leaving. That they had flirted at the party, and when it was time to go, he followed her out to her car (I'd guess it was more like he walked her out to the car to kiss her goodbye). The second time, he supposedly followed her out to her car when she went to get something, and they did the kissing and groping for 10 minutes or so, and then went back into the party. 

Then with the second man, she sees him at the bar (she went to HS with him), goes back to his place for an afterparty and he follows her inside when she has to use the bathroom. He corners her in the kitchen, they kiss and he takes her to his room (the afterparty was at his place) and they have sex. She claims to have stopped him after 5 minutes when she couldn't do it anymore because of the mental issues she was having in regard to cheating on me. 

Why would she stop it from escalating with the first man, especially after having a 2nd session with him, and then go all the way with the 2nd guy? It doesn't add up to me. 

I was able to locate AP1, and emailed him and asked for his side of the story. His version of things was different than my wifes. He claims that they left the party together and went and sat in her car at an empty parking lot, and talked for a few hours. That they did kiss, but that was it. He claims there never was a 2nd incident, even with prodding and details of the event, he claims to not recall it. I questioned my wife about why his story was different, and she sticks to her original version. I am inclined to believe that he is telling the truth, and maybe was so drunk the 2nd time, that he can't remember it. Her leaving the party with him would be much worse in theory than them just kissing as she left. I guess I believe that more happened in the car than them just kissing, but I'll never learn the full truth at this point. Why else would you leave the party? You can certainly sit and talk in the car at the party if that is all you want to do. She'll never admit to leaving the party with him, and he won't admit to anything more.

After I found out about AP1, that she was going to see him anyway, nothing about the physical aspects of it, I confronted her and it stopped. She lied and lied and denied everything aside from him trying to kiss her once. I bought it. In order for her to be happy at that juncture in her life, we decided she'd go back to school for 2 years and get another degree. During this time, she commuted to a university an hour away from our house, and would be there for class 4 days a week. She also worked nights as a server in a bar, and would on occasion stay after and have drinks with co-workers, supposedly only female. As this was all playing out mind you, I had no idea that AP1 had been physical with my wife, and didn't know that AP2 even existed. Had I known, first and foremost I would have divorced her, but if I had stayed, I wouldn't have obviously been okay with either her going out of town for school every day OR hanging out at a bar having drinks without me. It just is hard to believe her that nothing further happened with anyone given that she was so unhappy that she had just had affairs with two other men. 

She claims when asked, that nothing ever happened after AP1 and AP2, but then did admit that a few years ago was out of town with her girlfriends camping, and was drunk and flirting with a guy and he kissed her. Not only did he kiss HER, but she did kiss him back initially. She stopped it after about 10 seconds and said she couldn't (her timeframe), but the fact that she did kiss him back initially sucks. She claims she was really drunk and was looking for attention, because all of her friends were getting attention too. That she knows she can't put herself into that position now, and obviously made a mistake back then. 

It's just hard knowing that in the past, she has lied to cover up her indiscretions, and how do I know what to believe and what not to believe. I know she believes that getting caught in another lie at this point would be the dealbreaker. It would be. So she will never admit to lying about anything at this point. Her line I will never forget in regard to her lying about AP1 and AP2 was, "The truth was not an option". She had messed up and knew it, wanted to make it work with me, and knew if she told the truth, that I would leave her. Well when in the future will the truth possibly not be an option again? That phrase just keeps ringing through my head.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

What if you never get the truth? Would you be able to leave it in the past and start over with a blank slate (while still being wary, of course)?

Sometimes, evidence of re-commitment is what you need, more than full knowledge of the past. You may never find out everything, but, it doesn't matter really. She hurt you, period. You don't need to hold on to every single way in which it was done, because you're hoping for a way to excuse or understand how someone who loves you could betray you. Sometimes, people are just selfish and thoughtless and that's all there is. What does matter is whether or not she is making some effort now to build a good relationship with you that is based on respect and trust. 

Just some stuff to think about. *Shrug*.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I hardly got any trickle truth, and I STILL find it hard to believe my husband.

The best advice I ever got about THE TRUTH is that you never WILL know everything. There will always be something that you aren't told, whether it be on purpose or not. I agree 100% with desert-rose.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I'd put $1000 on the fact that she is only giving you part of the story now. It's not all that likely that she stopped sex "after five minutes". I've heard that one a few times on these boards. 

Sorry to hear about this.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you believe her story then I have a bridge to sell you. She clearly is lying to make her look the best she can. She is in damage control. If you really want to know the truth then spend $500 and give her a polygraph. She clearly is not telling you the whole truth. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would believe such comments from you?....I seriously doubt it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Frankly, schedule a polygraph for a coupe hundred dollars, tell her she has a chance to come. Lean, and drive her to the test.

For someone being fsithful, she sure found herself lip locked with a lot of men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Hmmmm. Let's see. Your wife is at a party without you, and gets frisky with a guy. Then your wife is working at a bar, and goes and gets frisky with an old flame from her high school days. Then, she goes camping without you, with a bunch of girls and other guys, and gets frisky there too. 

You're not really into setting boundaries with your wife, are you?

But, you know the old saying- fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times, and I deserve what is happening.

In answer to your question, no, you will never know the whole truth. But don't feel too bad, because you aren't being honest with her either. That part about "the next time she lies, I'm outta here?" Well, after her next lie, you'll still be around.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> Hmmmm. Let's see. Your wife is at a party without you, and gets frisky with a guy. Then your wife is working at a bar, and goes and gets frisky with an old flame from her high school days. Then, she goes camping without you, with a bunch of girls and other guys, and gets frisky there too.
> 
> You're not really into setting boundaries with your wife, are you?
> 
> ...


OM1 and OM2 happened over 6 years ago, and I did not find out the truth until February. When those details came out finally, she admitted to kissing the guy 2 years ago while camping with her friends. Had she told me the truth 6 years ago when I suspected, I would have left her then and there. She knew that and lied to me and covered it up. Now here we are 6 years later and have 2 kids, a house, etc. I struggled a long time with the idea that I would have divorced here if I would have known the truth initially, so how now should I feel any differently? While she was working in the bar and going to school, I did not know she had cheated. It's only now in hindsight do I feel the uneasiness of knowing she was in those situations after having already cheated.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

As others have suggested, the best chance to get at the truth is to ask her to take a polygraph. Sit across from her at the dinner table and tell her you need to know the full story. Ask if she is ready to take a poly. Keep an eye on her eyes and facial features. That could be telling in itself. If you go with a poly you should try to get a tester that trains others to do the test, you would get the best results that way. Let her know you expect the full truth before she takes the test and let her know the consequences if the tester feels she is not truthfull.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Tell her you want a polygraph and see if she cracks. If she balks at taking one then you either have to stay firm and get one done or tuck tail and run or stay with her.

At this point, it all depends on how far you're willing to go and risk to get the truth. Balls in your court, you keep giving her the ball and it's getting you nowhere to help you get over it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You can still divorce her if you want.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

IMHO---she is protecting herself, on each and every situation

She went to the car and kissed and groped a little---I think you know it went much further

Same with the bar, same with the camping trip----and any other guys she messed with that YOU DO NOT KNOW ABOUT

Now your wife has morals, I doubt that also---she just doesn't wanna be out on her own, as in dsivorced, single mother of 2 kids, with the label of multiple cheater---she also doesn't wanna have to work what would probably be 2 jobs, to break even financially---and in all honesty, what kind of guys are even out there for her

Real question is---how do you wanna spend the rest of your life---cuz your sub-conscious isn't gonna quit---and she herself probably triggers you

Kids are not a reason to live in misery---and house can be sold, with the proceeds being split up

What do YOU really want out of all of this?????


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your wife made out with at least three men. She is a serial cheater.

There is only one way to put this to rest. Polygraph. 

1. Other then the three men that you cheated on your husband with, have you cheated with more men?

You can find out enough to see if she is still lying about events, and thus you can tell if you trust a single word she says. My impression is that she cheated a lot. I would definitely get DNA tests for my kids.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

And for goodness sake either divorce her or set firm marriage boundaries .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Back to the first question: No you wont because she has shown you can't. She will cheat withiut remorse, and she will cover it up, and she will lie to get what she wants. So you can't trust her, because at her very core she is a remorseless selfish liar.

And DNA check your kids before you decide you have to stay because of your kids. Given her history he would have no problem lying to you and having you raise another man's seed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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