# I figured out my wife cheated on me..



## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

I found out my wife cheated on me about 4 month ago it was a one time thing but she went out of her way to hide this from and I cant figure out what my next step should be. so here are the details she met up with her ex after chatting him on aim this chat was the first time they had talked in 3 years at first it was just friendly chat then it turned into talk about meeting up and then they talked about hooking up he even asked her if she was ok with cheating her response was not really but the chance to be with you one last time would be worth it. Now how I found out was she started feeling guilty and forwarded the aim message to a friend ours and told them everything.THis friend weighed the cause and effects of hiding this from and went ahead and forward the email to me. She found this friend was going to tell and hacked my email and deleted the message but didn't empty my trash i found it on accident when i deleted something and didn't mean too so went into my trash. we talked and she told me everything that happened and appoligized and agreed to enter therapy but has yet to do so and avoids the topic when I bring it up. I am starting to grow impatient and aggatated with her as the days go by I find my self making rude comments to her and putting her down. I know its because I am hurt by what she did and she wont talk to me about the situation so I cant express of my feelings in any other why. But I see I am starting to hurt her and I don't want to hurt her anymore but unless she talks to me about this I may have to leave her over this but the whole situation has changed our relationship and its starting to change me into someone I don't want to be and hurting someone I don't want to hurt.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

She cheated on you, tried to cover it up, now that you found out about it she's not interested in fixing it.

You're asking what you can do about it?

You can't make force her to try and make it right.

You can only chose to put up with the BS or leave.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

kran81 said:


> I found out my wife cheated on me about 4 month ago it was a one time thing but she went out of her way to hide this from and I cant figure out what my next step should be. so here are the details she met up with her ex after chatting him on aim this chat was the first time they had talked in 3 years at first it was just friendly chat then it turned into talk about meeting up and then they talked about hooking up *he even asked her if she was ok with cheating her response was not really but the chance to be with you one last time would be worth it*. Now how I found out was she started feeling guilty and forwarded the aim message to a friend ours and told them everything.THis friend weighed the cause and effects of hiding this from and went ahead and forward the email to me. She found this friend was going to tell and hacked my email and deleted the message but didn't empty my trash i found it on accident when i deleted something and didn't mean too so went into my trash. we talked and she told me everything that happened and appoligized and agreed to enter therapy but has yet to do so and avoids the topic when I bring it up. I am starting to grow impatient and aggatated with her as the days go by I find my self making rude comments to her and putting her down. I know its because I am hurt by what she did and she wont talk to me about the situation so I cant express of my feelings in any other why. But I see I am starting to hurt her and I don't want to hurt her anymore but unless she talks to me about this I may have to leave her over this but the whole situation has changed our relationship and its starting to change me into someone I don't want to be and hurting someone I don't want to hurt.


RUN my friend, she is not wife material.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Just to add, she apoligized because she got caught not because she f'd some other man.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

thank you guys regrettably I cant find away to get out of this without hurting her. I know you probably all think I am crazy for not wanting to hurt a person who cheated on me hurt me and is slowly turning me into someone I don't want to be. But I do love her.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

kran81 said:


> regrettably I cant find away to get out of this without hurting her. .


She's already out of this.

If you said to her "Honey I love you but I can't do this anymore" she'd probably come back with "ok where are the papers I'm ready to sign".


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

kran81 said:


> thank you guys regrettably I cant find away to get out of this without hurting her. I know you probably all think I am crazy for not wanting to hurt a person who cheated on me hurt me and is slowly turning me into someone I don't want to be. But I do love her.


But she hurt you by sleeping with another man? Why are you so obsessed with her? 

Is this the only woman you've been with? If not you should know it's not the end of the world and there are plenty of honest/loyal woman out there.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

kran81, 

Read some of the threads on this site and there are PLENTY of example's where the betrayed spouse forgave the affair but in return the cheater went and cheated again,again, and again.

Do the 180 and detach yourself from this selfish/spineless cheater.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I see your point.
How do you think you are hurting her? 
Does she not realize that she has hurt you?
ok, it seems you want to rug sweep her affair, without her remorse?


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

keko said:


> But she hurt you by sleeping with another man? Why are you so obsessed with her?
> 
> Is this the only woman you've been with? If not you should know it's not the end of the world and there are plenty of honest/loyal woman out there.


She is only the second woman I have been with but we do have a wonderful daughter together and honestly I am worried if I hurt her to badly it will turn the divorce into a very ugly custody battle and I cant and wont do that to my child as I wouldnt put it past her to use our little girl as a weapon.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

kran81 said:


> I wouldnt put it past her to use our little girl as a weapon.


Charming.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

kran81 said:


> She is only the second woman I have been with but we do have a wonderful daughter together and honestly I am worried if I hurt her to badly it will turn the divorce into a very ugly custody battle and I cant and wont do that to my child as I wouldnt put it past her to use our little girl as a weapon.


Actually children suffer more in problematic marriages then seperate parents.

I'll try to find the link for that research....


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I know that I say this ad nauseum but nevertheless it is true. To make a marriage real, there must be present: love, respect and trust. Love in and of itself is not enough to make a marriage viable if the other two are missing. Your wife's actions show a lack of love and respect towards you and now because of her betrayal, your trust in her has been shattered completely.

It's up to you to decide what you can or can't tolerate and what you consider as a deal breaker. But please consider judging her actions and not her words. Only her actions alone will tell you the truth about whether or not she is serious about doing everything in her power to help you heal, recover your trust in her and become a better person who will never again betray you.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Actually children suffer more in problematic marriages then seperate parents.
> 
> I'll try to find the link for that research....


yeah I know I picked a real winner. Despite her many flaws she has a few good values and she is the only person I have been in love with so this isn't easy for me but I know what i am going to have to do because this relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy especially to raise a kid in.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

She's trying to rug sweep this. "Opps! I'm sorry! What do you want for dinner?" It doesn't work like that...

She's leaving you in something like the "forest of mirrors" Always looking over your shoulder, always looking for answers, always wondering. She hurt you badly and is not owning up to the pain she's caused you. So, you're trying to make her hurt as badly as you feel right now. Trying to subconsiously make her aware of your pain so you to can address it. Guess what. This is a completely normal response for someone that's went through what you're going through.

So, you need to give her a wake up call. You need to expose what she did to you. You know who the guy is, do your research and find out if he's married or has a girlfriend and expose the affair to her. If she exists, she has the right to know. Call up the in-laws and let them know what's going on. Do it in a calm fashion. Stating what happened and the two of you are just looking for their support. YOU NEED TO EXPOSE THIS. If your marriage goes south, I guarantee you she will only tell them half truths and make it look like the failure of the marriage was your fault. She will, more than likely, never tell them about the OM voluntarly. Once you do this, I suspect she'll want to talk to you about it rather loudly. But, it will get her talking. She will be very mean and spiteful. She may even say something along the lines of, "I was considering working things out with you, but not after this". or "How could you do this!" And if she's REALLY angry, she'll probably tell you how much better OM is in the sack than you....blah...blah... Ignore it. It's going to happen.

THEN, standby for the blameshifting. She'll try to blame her affair on you because you didn't do this or didn't do that...blah...blah...ignore it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

kran81 said:


> yeah I know I picked a real winner. Despite her many flaws she has a few good values and she is the only person I have been in love with so this isn't easy for me but I know what i am going to have to do because this relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy especially to raise a kid in.


Are you sharing any bank accounts or credit cards? This IS the time to remove her name or close them. As soon as you tell her anything that might resemble divorce, say goodbye to your valuable belongings and cash/credit score.

Sorry to be so blunt but if you follow site's like this all the time there is a trend for most people in the same condition as your wife. In the end not only are you messed up emotionally for trusting her but you also lose out financially.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

crossbar said:


> I guarantee you she will only tell them half truths and make it look like the failure of the marriage was your fault. She will, more than likely, never tell them about the OM voluntarly.


I do know who the other man is even have his address as when I first found I was angry at him not her and was going to to do the stereotypical guy thing and track him down and kick his ass but then I realized this would only cause legal issues I don't want or need and confronted her instead and as i said if have to expose the truth I have the aim conversation saved in my email and I have changed my email password to keep her out of it. As for bank accounts we both have our own accounts and she doesn't have my pin number the only thing that is in both of our names is car we are financing and the apartment we are renting.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

My friend she told her ex that she was willing to cheat on her husband to be with him. From what you have written I have a hunch she really thought even if you found out she knew you would forgive her anyway so there really was very little risk involved. Am I wrong?

You need to get tested for STD's. She clearly had no intention of letting you know she cheated on you behind your back. The bottom line is that she has very little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife? See an attorney just to understand your various options. I wish you luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to force her to talk to you---if you are bound and determined to spend the rest of your life in misery, as in a R, with your daughter's mother, who is an out and out cheater

She went out of her way, to sleep with her X, and then did everything possible to keep it from you, and now won't talk about it.

You may love her, I have no idea WHY---she knew what this would do to you, she knew that this would wreck the future life, of her own flesh and blood daughter, and she still WANTED to spread her legs for another man

Is that what you signed on for when you took your vows

Why would you ever think about going after the X---your beef is with your wife, AND ALWAYS WILL BE----she WANTED TO CHEAT, SHE WANTED TO DISRESPECT YOU, SHE WANTED TO TREAT YOU AS IF YOU WERE NOTHING, and you are allowing it to go on

Unless there are HARSH consequences, and accountability, RIGHT NOW----this mge has no shot at R.

Your wife wanted the cheating to happen, and now doesn't wanna talk about it----you need to let her know, that is not the way this is gonna play out

You need to sit her down, and tell her----If you want your R., the following----as of this moment on---everything is played by my rules, everything will be done, w/out discussion, arguing, her input, or anything else

She tells you everything wanna know, and she tells you every night, for the next F'ing thousand nights if that is what you want----when you say jump---her answer will be HOW HIGH

If you want the R., that is the way this all plays out---and it starts yesterday---forget the 180----you do not need to ignore her, and toot your own horn---you need to take charge, tell her what she WILL do to stay in this family, and if she refuses, then tell her to find herself an atty., TO DEFEND A D. ACTION

Stop with your melee mouth excuses about how this will turn into an ugly ANYTHING---so what--let it

I PROMISE you she is scared sh*tless, that you will D., her and she will be out in the big bad world on her own-----I guarantee you THAT IS SOMETHING SHE DOES NOT WANNA HAPPEN

My only problem, with all of this is how can you stand to look at her, talk to her, or touch her----and I sure as HE*L do not understand how you can even remotely think of ever loving her again----after what she very willingly/wantingly doing what she did to you and your daughter!!!!!


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Where as I may have been gullible enough to forgive her for cheating I wasn't dumb enough not to get tested for stds after finding out and due to accident at my job ( i work in the sterile processing department of a hospital) where i was stabbed by a dirty scalpel blade I have recently under went a whole spectrum of test again. I want to thank you all for help me as the more i read i see I should have talk to an attorney long before it got to the point that I had to turn to the internet for advice becuase I was feeling lost.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

K if she won't talk then she does not mind hurting you and she is not interested in helping you deal wit the pain. In short, she had a little fun and she just wants to move on no matter what you feel. 

You love her but is that enough? What will your life be like with a woman you love and care about but who does not deserve you? What will stop her from doing the same again. She has a very low threshold for betrayal, and has suffered no consequences so what will stop her doing it again, fear of hurting you? 

I can think of a few reasons why you would put up with this one sided relationship. You don't have enough experience to know what it is like to be in a relationship with a partner who cares and loves you deeply. 

You think that you will not meet anyone better or you think that if you love her she will love you back. 

My advice. - think of the qualities that you would like in a woman to whom you commit. Discount all fear, ask yourself, knowing what you know about your wife now, and keeping in mind what you want in a partner, would you select your wife if you had it to do over? 

It takes more than your love and commitment for happiness. If she can't match your fine qualities and she is unwilling to work on it then it may be better to part ways.

I think it would be worth going to MC first , find out why you are more concerned about huting her than dealing with your pain and get her to talk about what happened so you can gain closure.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your daughter will turn out fine if you take proper care. Think about living with this woman for the rest of your life. This is a woman who will risk your marriage for a night with her ex. That shows how much she cares for you or the marriage. And what about the times she hasn't confessed?


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

lenzi said:


> She's already out of this.
> 
> If you said to her "Honey I love you but I can't do this anymore" she'd probably come back with "ok where are the papers I'm ready to sign".


This is one plausible scenario. Another is that she will throw herself at your feet and beg for another chance. In that case, get her into IC to find out what made this ok for her to do, and get both of you into MC. I stayed, primarily because I did not want to hurt those I love. I feel your need to do this. But my wife has done everything she could to make that possible. Otherwise, I'd have been outa here.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

One thing you could do if you can is to just sit her down and explain to her what you have here. Advise her that this issue will not be swept under the table for you cannot handle it that way. That she is to schedule IC for herself within the next two weeks or you will schedule an appointment with a lawyer for yourself. You should do this anyway to see what your rights are in your state.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

kran81, your blind love and dependence on your wife is allowing you to be a doormat in your relationship. She's walking all over you because she knows you're dependent. You don't want to leave her because you're afraid of hurting her and yadda yadda yadda... she's got your balls in her purse buddy.

Here's an idea... every time you feel that "I still love her" feeling that keeps allowing you to be weak, trying replacing that feeling with a mind movie where she's screwing her ex and they're both laughing at you while they do it together, with all the moans of him getting her off and she's loving every bit of having this other guy inside her. Because essentially, this is exactly what she did to you, and for all you know might have done to you with other guys before as well...

Still "in love" with her after these thoughts???


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Wow

She'd possibly use your daughter as a weapon? Why would you want to be married to this woman or have her raise your daughter full time?

Also, it doesn't sound like you've been married long (no more than 3 yrs?) and she's cheated on you already because she has been longing for an old BF's D*ck? Don't you see how little she respects you? This wasn't a druken mistake! It was all planned out!

Does the OM have a wife or GF? If so, expose this to them.

She thinks so little of you that she has put your liife in danger by exposing you to STDs


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Oh Kran,

I feel for you like all of us do that have gotten screwed over.

Her pre ons actions and post ons actions say a lot about your wife and none of them are good.

Definitely see an attorney. You turning into a different person is not good for you, your wife and especially your daughter.

I really think you need to decide why you want to stay in this relationship with a woman who shows so little love to you and definitely no respect to you or your marriage.

Trust is out the the window my man!

It is decision time. No matter what you decide to do maybe a little time in counselling will help you get your emotions under control and decide if you want to be with your wife or not.

She is not communicating with you and wants to rug sweep her cheating.

So the decision is yours.

Good Luck and Keep Posting,

HM64


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

OP, just remember her quote.

IT WAS WORTH IT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE OM.

Straight from her, so is it worth it for you to let her sit on the fence while you slowly die a little bit each day and turn into the guy on the street that all the kids avoid.

And she's not sorry it happened, sorry but no matter how much she says I'm so sorry, it's a lie. She already said it was worth it to cheat on you with the OM.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

*the chance to be with you one last time would be worth it.*

That says it all!!!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

kran81 said:


> they talked about hooking up he even asked her if she was ok with cheating her response was not really but *the chance to be with you one last time would be worth it.*


She said it would be worth it, make her pay.

This is so incredibly disrespectful, that alone would be enough for me to file for a D.



> But I see I am starting to hurt her and I don't want to hurt her anymore but unless she talks to me about this I may have to leave her over this but the whole situation has changed our relationship and its starting to change me into someone I don't want to be and hurting someone I don't want to hurt.


Uhg!

You are still in shock and denial. There is nothing you could do to her that would be remotely as bad as what she did to you. She screwed up, she NEEDS to SUFFER the consquences of her actions. After all, she said and I quote: "*to be with you one last time would be worth it.*".


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lol. She was right.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> *the chance to be with you one last time would be worth it.*
> 
> That says it all!!!


As Roissy says, "Five minutes of alpha is worth 50 years of beta."

Kran81, you need to DNA your daughter.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife not only dIdnt blink at cheating on you she seriously expects you to be a good little wimp and forgive her. Do you know what this teaches her- that she can do thIs again and again. 

Blatant and willful cheating like this shows she has zero respect for you or carrying for you feelings. She selfishly thinks she can just have sex with any man anytime she wants. 
Show your daughter that this isn't an Ok way to treat a husband. File for divorce and file for full custody. Your cheating wife has neither love nor respect for you. She will cheat again if you are weak enough to accept this and just let her get away with it. 

Btw. Her total lack of respect for you will even go down if you stay with her. She will view you as a pathetic wimp who took back a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Well I confronted her today after talking to a family law attorney and told her flat out she need to go to therapy and marriage counseling so we can actually talk out and work through our issues and this needed to happen with in the next two weeks other wise I would be filing for divorce and full custody of our little girl and that bringing her arrest record and employment record(she hasn't held a steady job in 3 years.) into the picture. I don't like throwing anyone's past at them but I will to protect my daughter and and have her in a way that I approve of. she broke down asking for a second chance I told her that this was her second chance and to take it or leave it. She has called and made an appointment with a family therapist for next Tuesday. I don't know if I am making the move instead of just going right for the d but it seems that she is finally understanding that this isn't just going to be swept under the rug.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Good move kran.

Print out the divorce form and leave it blank someplace visible.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> As Roissy says, "Five minutes of alpha is worth 50 years of beta."
> 
> Kran81, you need to DNA your daughter.


After raising my little girl for three years I don't feel I need to as if she isn't mine biologically I would still I love this little girl with all my heart and am her father regardless of if it was my sperm that help create her or not I have helped raise .


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Am glad to see you took charge, of what you needed to do

Isn't it amazing that when HARSHLY confronted with actual consequences, the cheating, trickle truthing, decieving spouse, all of sudden "GETS IT", and now does what the betrayed spouse wants/needs done

For the most part, once the cheater has figured out, that their scumbag partner, is not the wondrous person they thought they were, and is not the salvation of their world---they cave in, and do what is necessary to try to stay in their mge

Then becomes the question---of WHY are they actually staying---it certainly can't be for love----cuz you do not destroy/mistreat someone you love

Other alternatives, they are scared shi*less of facing the world on their own, or they all of a sudden decide they are a parent, and now want to do what is right by their child----no matter how it all plays out, it sucks


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

honestly I don't really see the counseling helping any she isn't going to change but I am going what I need to do to make sure when this does turn into that ugly custody battle that I know its going to I am prepared and can say not just to the court but to my self that I did everything I could and honestly mean it. After talking not just to the people here but my friends and family all of which told me to leave her fast and hard (but then again non of my friends have ever liked her) but something is wrong when her own mother told me the only way she is ever going to change is to be hit in the face with the consequences of her own actions.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

As far as the paternity test, at this point it's more for your daughters' health. Down the road she will need medical history of BOTH her biological parents.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Kran, please please listen and follow the advice.
My husband lied to the MC and me for six months or more while he secretly continued his EA.

He only broke contact for a few weeks. He wasn't strong enough to stay away from her b/c I only *threatened* divorce. 

This is not unusual: it's to be expected. They get very good at lying. They want to keep their options open. Only after they leave the fog, which takes a while, do they see how crazy hurtful selfish it is to keep up an affair during MC.

We are still together but only by lots of dumb luck. How I wish I had known what to do, it would have saved me years that now I can't get back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Kran,
If you're worried about this getting nasty as you go down the road, buy a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) or two and keep on on you at all times.

Spouses have been known to pick fights (verbally) with their spouses and then call the police claiming tey have been hit. Record ALL conversations with her in case you need to play them pack for the cops!

She could use a complaint of abuse to keep you from getting your daughter and cast suspicion on your character!

I also agree about the DNA testing. As you said, it doesn't matter because you'll always love her but you should have the health information for her future. It would also let you know if the deceit runs any deeper!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

kran,

Sounds like you are taking control of the immediate issue of your wife's affair. Good. If she is truthful in her intent to R (questionable), I would be prepared for more to surface concerning your wife's past behavior.

Cheaters can and do have the extreme capability to compartmentalize their wayward actions. Rarely is it truly a ONS or a one time lapse in judgement. When caught, my wife admitted to the affair that she was busted. But that was it. She played the "I got caught up" in moment with an ex. It was a one time weak moment. After prying for a few days... it was up to 6 years of cheating with 3 OM. Rarely, (never) do cheaters just stop on their own due to conscience or remorse. They never admit to cheating on you when you bust them. The only guaranteed way to ensure that they will never cheat on you again is to divorce them.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Remember, you need to observer her actions, not her words. You need to see true remorse from her. Here's a guide.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Good job standing up to her. 

In addition to MC you need to demand consequences in her. 

First full transparency. Passwords and phone records 

Consider demanding a polygraph 

Have he record a video appollogy to you your family and to your daughter to be viewed in the future by the kid
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

better carry a var on you so she don't try to even the arrest record thing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you decide to reconcile here is a list for the wayward spouse. Sometimes it works wonders to get their attention to what they have done. Sorry its long and I don't know where the original came from.

Be awaare there are a lot of bad counselors out there. Run the seesions by the board here just to double check the counselors competence.

You mught try spokeo.com to see who/if the OM is married. Its your duty to tell his wife just like someone clued you in. 

Good luck to you and your little girl.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

keko said:


> Just to add, she apoligized because she got caught not because she f'd some other man.


Exactly!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

The fact that her own mother said these negative things about her and none of your friends ever liked her should tell you quite clearly what kind of a spouse you have married. How could you ever feel proud and special that she is your wife?


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Remember, you need to observer her actions, not her words. You need to see true remorse from her. Here's a guide.


You should print this and let her know that this is what it looks like and that nothing less will be accepted.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Old thread.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

kran81 said:


> I found out my wife cheated on me about 4 month ago it was a one time thing but she went out of her way to hide this from and I cant figure out what my next step should be. so here are the details she met up with her ex after chatting him on aim this chat was the first time they had talked in 3 years at first it was just friendly chat then it turned into talk about meeting up and then they talked about hooking up he even asked her if she was ok with cheating her response was not really but the chance to be with you one last time would be worth it. Now how I found out was she started feeling guilty and forwarded the aim message to a friend ours and told them everything.THis friend weighed the cause and effects of hiding this from and went ahead and forward the email to me. She found this friend was going to tell and hacked my email and deleted the message but didn't empty my trash i found it on accident when i deleted something and didn't mean too so went into my trash. we talked and she told me everything that happened and appoligized and agreed to enter therapy but has yet to do so and avoids the topic when I bring it up. I am starting to grow impatient and aggatated with her as the days go by I find my self making rude comments to her and putting her down. I know its because I am hurt by what she did and she wont talk to me about the situation so I cant express of my feelings in any other why. But I see I am starting to hurt her and I don't want to hurt her anymore but unless she talks to me about this I may have to leave her over this but the whole situation has changed our relationship and its starting to change me into someone I don't want to be and hurting someone I don't want to hurt.


There is no way that there is a lot more to the story. She has probably told you about one tenth of what really happened.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Zombie thread
Let it die.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Why does it bother you so much if an old thread is posted to?

There are bigger problems in the world.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Posters waste time and energies giving advice to some one who's unlikely to read and respond. I didn't like the couple of times I did it only to realize I wouldn't get any foodback.
Newbies, in need of advice and support get their threads put above in the list, sometimes in the second page, and won't get what they need becasue we are lazy.


> There are bigger problems in the world.


So what? It takes 15 seconds to point out a thread is old; i don't need to be bothered that much nor pretend to solve other problems in the world.
Maybe I'm OCD or a moron. Why do you care? Did I push a wrong bottom recently? If so I apologize.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Old threads can be useful for others with a similar situation.

I guess it was the way you posted with that huge red bolded font that made me think you might have over reacted a bit.

No worries, all is well.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Resurrecting zombie threads is a faux paw on every message board I've ever seen. It's bad form and that's never going to change. Most people don't like having their time wasted.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Agreed, as I have been sucked into a thread that showed up on the front page and commented thinking i was adding some value to it, only to find out it was an ancient thread abandoned a long time ago.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

kran81 said:


> I am worried if I hurt her to badly it will turn the divorce into a very ugly custody battle and I cant and wont do that to my child as I wouldnt put it past her to use our little girl as a weapon.


K, I don't mean to come across as overly blunt but folks here cannot recommend a medicinal type solution. When you boil it down you have two choices the way I see it. First, you can reconcile yourself to her having at least one boyfriend on the side while you furnish the resources for the "family" and hopefully get cut in for a mercy f every so often. Second, you can deal with the situation as it exist an put a stop to being played for a stooge. It sounds like you're going to have a problem with the second one and would rather be her stooge than live without her.
In the final analysis, when a woman is seeing another man, it means they are no longer crazy about their spouse. They have also factored in the down side of getting caught. So you really don't have much to lose. What's worse is when the OM is an ex, it means you were, at best, second choice to begin with.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Again...
Zombie thread
Let it die.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Friend. The one thing that struck me hard was what her Mother said that she needs hit in the head. If she said it, then believe it. It's pretty damn obvious that your wife only cares about herself and everyone else comes second. Seriously, if she has a police record and can't hold a job, shouldn't that tell you about her character? When she decided to get it on with the OM and not because of drugs, booze or mental disease, but just for the thrill of it not care one bit about you or her kid, doesn't that tell you anything? Honestly this is a waste of your time. It seems like she wants what she wants when she wants it and it doesn't matter what you think or how you feel. And by the way, why isn't she with her ex any longer?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The OP probably rug swept it anyway. Thats usually the case in the beginning when they're in denial and scared to leave the marriage


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