# Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't



## SeeThomasHowl

*Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't (UPDATED)*

My wife and I have been married 5 years. There has been no infedelity in the marriage. I'm very much a home-body and rarely go out and hang out with friends (I do so maybe 5 or 6 times a year I'd say). 

Last night I went out with 2 friends (both guys) for the first time in a long time. We went out bar hopping in SF to watch the ws game, and to help my friend sell these Giants t-shirts he had made. 

I left the house around 2pm. We end up drinking at a bonfire, and I get home around 12 or 1am or so (I think, I was pretty drunk by the time I got home). Right when I get home I strip bare-ass naked and hop in bed with my wife. She immediately says I smell like soap, and says that I took a shower while I was out (which basically means she thinks I cheated). I deny this, and pass out.

When I wake up late the next morning, she is sleeping on the couch. Then she comes into the bedroom and asks me: "What are you still doing here?" and tells me to get out. I'm furious and completely lose my sh*t with her. 

This is a recurring problem. She periodically accusses me of cheating. She has no reason to think I cheat on her. I've never been unfaithful, I don't flirt, I don't have female friends, and I rarely go out. But every now and then she accusses me of cheating, and she can't be reasoned with.

This just happened, and right now I'm at the public library typing this. I don't know what I should do. Should I leave? Should I go back home and try to talk to her? How should I handle this????

Thanks


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## MRB

Obviously she has immature ways of dealing with her insecurities. Was she ok with you going out in the first place and knew that you'd be out late? She may just be angry because you stayed out longer than she thought you should and she built up scenarios in her head of you doing terrible things with other women. Sometimes we are good at over reacting =)

I would go back after you have cooled off and talk to her. Ask her why exactly she was so angry. Don't let her get away with random accusations. Ask for a direct reason for her anger. Then apologize for anything you may have done for causing insecurities like perhaps not checking in with her if she likes when you do that. Sometimes we need reassurance from our men when they go out with their buddies - we get insecure. 

Also make sure you give her enough one on one time. I know that date nights with my husband as well as just hanging out nightly to watch tv really make me secure in our relationship.


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## michzz

Did she want to go with you to the World Series and figured you didn't take her because there was some strange awaiting you?

Not saying there was, just in the mind of your insecure wife.


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## SeeThomasHowl

1) I babysat her neice the night before last so that she and her sister could go to a Halloween party.

2) Yes I stayed out a bit longer than I planned, but I haven't went out with the boys in months, and I did talk to her on the phone while I was out.

3) Didn't go to the game, I live in SF and they played in TX last night, just went bar hopping during the game.

4) Talked to her on the phone a minute ago, and she said I should come home and pack my sh*t and leave. I did nothing to deserve this! wtf


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## michzz

Is it possible that she has some strange and doesn't want you around for halloween partying she has planned?

Or is this about boozing or something else?

Women, even the irrational ones usually don't go to the crazy shelf with no reason.

Something is up with her.


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## MRB

Does she have emotional issues? Depression? Not trying to be rude at all but she may need some meds. She is irrational. Unless there is a lot of things we don't know about this story it just doesn't make sense.

What would happen if you went and packed your stuff? Would she beg you to stay? I'm still thinking she needs a mood balancing pill.


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## SeeThomasHowl

Yeah I mean, she does have some emotional issues. Nothing diagnosed though. She would definitely not beg me to stay if I packed my stuff up. She's unbelieveably angry with me.

This has happened before. Out of nowhere her just accusing me of cheating. It's really damaging. She has this insecurity and paranoia that becomes like a third presence in the relationship. It really really sucks, because every time it happens it's a complete shock to me. I know I'm not cheating, yet suddenly she'll accuse me of it and then won't believe me when I deny it. There's nothing I can do, I can't prove a negative.

I dunno, I really dont know what to do.


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## Catherine602

It it possible she is cheating? Sometimes cheaters accuse their spouse of cheating as a defense. Even if it seems like she never would, she may have the next guy lined up. Do some investigation don't accuse don't let her know you suspect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SeeThomasHowl

Well it's over. I'm packing my stuff and going to my parents' place. Wow, this is F-ing surreal. 5 years of marriage just... gone. She's my best friend. Or was I guess. Wow. It hasn't really hit me yet.

I spoke to her on the phone to let her know I was coming back to our apartment, and asked her if this is really happening... like, is she realy F-ing doing this, yah know? And she was like "Yeah, I never want to see you again." She left the house so she wouldn't be here when I got here. I'm now packing up.

Thanks everyone for all your advice. Too bad nothing could be done.

I honestly don't know what the next few days will bring, but the sad thing is, even if she eventually does understand that the truth is I've never been unfaithful to her, how could I ever forgive her for accusing me like this? And how could I ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me even when they have no reason to suspect me of anything?

Ahh, I dunno. This is just so unbelievable.


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## MRB

Virtual hug. I'm so sorry...
Funny how a day can be so normal and then turn into a disaster. That's how I feel every time my husband breaks his promise to not smoke pot. I feel like it's a nightmare.


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## michzz

If you have shared assets in the bank, make sure they don't get squandered.

Cancel the credit cards that have your name on them.

Try to get your name off the apartment lease.

Get the phone records and get your name off all the utilities.

If she wants to play this game, protect yourself.

Offer to see a marriage counselor with her. 

I have the feeling there is a lot of unspoken resentment in her, justified or not.

I also have the feeling there is the potential for someone in the wings.

A cheater accuses and picks fights to make their time for cheating easier.

This comment you made seems really interesting to me:



SeeThomasHowl said:


> 1) I babysat her neice the night before last so that she and her sister could go to a Halloween party.


Of course, she could have emotional problems too.

Goes without saying that you need a lawyer.


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## Rob774

Catherine602 said:


> *It it possible she is cheating? *Sometimes cheaters accuse their spouse of cheating as a defense. Even if it seems like she never would, she may have the next guy lined up. Do some investigation don't accuse don't let her know you suspect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the first thing that comes to my mind. When you've done nothing noticebly wrong and get accused of this. I immediately think she's trying to "flip the script" and accuse you of what she is doing. This is her own guilt coming out, if she wasn't guilty, she'd be keeping this on the hush, unless she just wants to be with this person as fast as possible and this the only way thought about doing it.

If she doesn't call you home in 2 days to say sorry and beg you back... its over, and just be glad you didn't waste 10 years.


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## F-102

It's possible that she is accusing you of cheating so that she can beat you to the punch, i.e., tell anyone who will listen about all of your "infidelity", then she can justify her actions, i.e., "He did it to me, so I can do it , too".
Did these accusations start recently, or has she always had issues like this?


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## SeeThomasHowl

Thanks everyone for all the advice and what not.

Is it possible she has been cheating and is accusing me in order to assuage her own guilt? I'm 99.9% sure this is not the case.

Is it possible she is doing this to push me away because she wants to be with someone else? This might be more plausible, but I think that if this is what she's doing it's subconscious. I don't think it's calculated. 

I mean, honestly, 2 days ago we were in love: having sex, cooking for eachother, planning for the future... she was my best friend.

But she has a long history of creating problems out of thin air. I just think she relies on drama the way people rely on food, her personality needs it to survive, and if there isn't a legitimate issue for her to feed on, her psyche creates one. 

One messed up thing that I just now thought about is that she's for sure telling all her family and friends that I cheated. Haha, you try to be a good guy, and this is what you get in return.


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## Deejo

So don't move out. Doing so, you just validated her belief that you're guilty, or if she wants you out of the picture, you're helping her cause.

Stop putting up with this sh!t.

Her insecurity isn't your problem to address.

Move back home. Don't attempt to address a thing. Let her figure out exactly what the hell she thinks, she thinks ... and then bring it to you. Or ... she can leave if she chooses. 

Entertaining the freak show, only invites more freak show.

As a very wise and mildly sarcastic doctor once said; "Don't feed the bears."

Unless of course you want to get off this ride. In that case, move back home and contact an attorney.


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## SeeThomasHowl

Deejo said:


> So don't move out. Doing so, you just validated her belief that you're guilty, or if she wants you out of the picture, you're helping her cause.
> 
> Stop putting up with this sh!t.
> 
> Her insecurity isn't your problem to address.
> 
> Move back home. Don't attempt to address a thing. Let her figure out exactly what the hell she thinks, she thinks ... and then bring it to you. Or ... she can leave if she chooses.
> 
> Entertaining the freak show, only invites more freak show.
> 
> As a very wise and mildly sarcastic doctor once said; "Don't feed the bears."
> 
> Unless of course you want to get off this ride. In that case, move back home and contact an attorney.


Thanks, but no.

1) Ship has sailed. I am now at my folks' place 24hrs removed from the situation. There has been no contact with w in that time.

2) I'm not going back. She has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me, and for her to throw away our marriage based purely on her own paranoia, how can I ever reenter the relationship after that? This isn't the first time she has made these kinds of accusations, it is only the latest and most extreme example. I can't go back, just to have the rug pulled out from under me again a month or two down the line.

3) I really believe she has borderline personality disorder. If you read thru my thread history, all the pieces fit. I love her, and care about what happens to her, but I just can't be a part of that anymore. I'm cutting my losses.


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## Deejo

SeeThomasHowl said:


> Thanks, but no.
> 
> 1) Ship has sailed. I am now at my folks' place 24hrs removed from the situation. There has been no contact with w in that time.
> 
> 2) I'm not going back. She has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me, and for her to throw away our marriage based purely on her own paranoia, how can I ever reenter the relationship after that? This isn't the first time she has made these kinds of accusations, it is only the latest and most extreme example. I can't go back, just to have the rug pulled out from under me again a month or two down the line.
> 
> 3) I really believe she has borderline personality disorder. If you read thru my thread history, all the pieces fit. I love her, and care about what happens to her, but I just can't be a part of that anymore. I'm cutting my losses.



Absolutely hear you, and I sympathize. Wish you the best. Water's are bound to get a bit rougher before they start to settle out. Hope to eventually see you settled and happy on calmer seas.


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## Damselfish

Good luck, Thomas. I've been following your story and sincerely think your wife has serious emotional problems (or whatever label) and needs to work on herself to get thru her issues and reconcile or just move on. Hope you work on yourself, too. 

Best wishes.


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## michzz

I'd want to know what transpired at the halloween party she and her sister attended if i were you.

Why? I think there is a very big clue to her snap, turn on a dime change in mood.

I totally get cutting your losses and moving on though.


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## Chris Taylor

Deejo said:


> So don't move out. Doing so, you just validated her belief that you're guilty, or if she wants you out of the picture, you're helping her cause.
> 
> Stop putting up with this sh!t.
> 
> Her insecurity isn't your problem to address.
> 
> Move back home. Don't attempt to address a thing. Let her figure out exactly what the hell she thinks, she thinks ... and then bring it to you. Or ... she can leave if she chooses.
> 
> Entertaining the freak show, only invites more freak show.
> 
> As a very wise and mildly sarcastic doctor once said; "Don't feed the bears."
> 
> Unless of course you want to get off this ride. In that case, move back home and contact an attorney.


This would have been my suggestion too.

But since you are already out, see if she wants you back. if she does, the answer is that you will consider it after you both go to a marriage counselor to hash this out.

if she doesn't ask you back, you have your answer.

BTW - 99.99% sure she isn't having an affair? My wife said she was 100% sure I wasn't and she was 100% wrong.


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## SeeThomasHowl

Damselfish said:


> Good luck, Thomas. I've been following your story and sincerely think your wife has serious emotional problems (or whatever label) and needs to work on herself to get thru her issues and reconcile or just move on. Hope you work on yourself, too.
> Best wishes.


Thanks Damsel.



michzz said:


> I'd want to know what transpired at the halloween party she and her sister attended if i were you.
> 
> Why? I think there is a very big clue to her snap, turn on a dime change in mood.
> 
> I totally get cutting your losses and moving on though.


I'm not going to start acting paranoid myself. I don't have trust issues w/ her. I have no real reason to think she is/was cheating, and I have no problem letting her go out and have fun from time to time.



Chris Taylor said:


> 99.99% sure she isn't having an affair? My wife said she was 100% sure I wasn't and she was 100% wrong.


I understand, but that doesn't really mean anything to me. Is it possible my w had an affair, or wants to, or whatever, sure it is. But other than her accusing me of cheating in a totally groundless fashion, I have no reason to believe that this is the case.


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## SeeThomasHowl

Deejo said:


> Absolutely hear you, and I sympathize. Wish you the best. Water's are bound to get a bit rougher before they start to settle out. Hope to eventually see you settled and happy on calmer seas.


Thanks Deej, I appreciate it.


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## F-102

Hate to see a break-up, but if you go back, things will be good for awhile, and two weeks later, she'll be accusing you of more cheating, turning her family and friends against her, collaborating with the Nazis, being behind getting Bush in office, etc.
In this case, I think you have to put your future and peace of mind front and center. Again, I hate to see you break up, but perhaps you've had enough. And here's a theory about that party, maybe it's not a man, but a woman that "got to" her. Your W saw the carefree, single women being hit on, she started talking to them and now she wants that lifestyle- but without the guilt of cheating. So, she's making you out to be the biggest a**hole in creation, and telling it to anyone who will give her the time of day, so as to make it look like divorcing you would be the "right" thing to do.
Again, just a theory, but I've seen it happen.


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## SeeThomasHowl

*Update:*

Wifey called me yesterday asking if I wanted to talk. So I went to our old place and had a face-to-face with her. 

She explained to me that the dilemma she is facing is whether to trust me or to trust "her own senses". She feels she is protecting herself from being hurt. She swears up and down that when I came home that night my body (head to toe) smelled fresh, as though I had showered before I came home. This is extremely disturbing to me because I had been gone all day walking around the city, drinking, and was at a bonfire before I came home -- so there is really no way I should have smelled fresh and clean when I got home.

I let her know that what it comes down to is this: either I am lying to her about not cheating, or there is something seriously wrong with her perceptions.

The fact is I have never cheated on her (and I certainly did not shower before I came home that night). I do not have female friends, do not flirt with girls, rarely go out with my friends, and am very much a homebody, yet my W is still insecure.

I pointed out to her that this is a pattern, not an isolated incident. She has a history of creating scenarios that paint me as a cheater, a liar, or some kind of betrayer, when in actuality I am basically the safest guy I know as far as that kind of thing goes. Instead of being appreciated for that, I get accused and treated like I am the exact opposite: some kind of a-hole who is out to hurt her. It goes without saying that this is unacceptable to me.

I let her know that I acknowledge that her perceptions feel very real to her. I don't want to discount her feelings. But I told her that the only problem is, her perceptions/feelings are not reality.

Finally I told her that the only way I would live in the same house with her again is if she sees a mental health professional. I told her this before about a month ago, the last time she accused me of cheating, and she was receptive to it then, but I was being soft back then and did not draw the line firmly. This time I clearly let her know that the relationship will not continue unless she not only consents to getting help, but she is actually actively doing so. Unless and until that happens, I cannot live with her.

Thankfully she seems receptive. It's clear she misses me, even though she is the one who ragefully threw me out of the house 3 days ago. I miss her very much also, and it's clear we're both still in love. But I won't make the mistake of going back to the way things were, only to allow the same pattern to repeat itself. There has to be change in order for us to move forward.

Thanks everyone for all your input in this thread. I welcome what anyone has to say about this new development, as always.


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## swedish

SeeThomasHowl said:


> *Update:*
> She explained to me that the dilemma she is facing is whether to trust me or to trust "her own senses". She feels she is protecting herself from being hurt. .


I totally agree that she should talk to a professional as to why she is so insecure. Since her senses of infidelity are unfounded, that leaves her fear of being hurt something she really needs to figure out for herself. Right now, it is a self fulfilling prophecy in that she is insecure and afraid you will leave her & you are getting to the point of being done with all of it for that very reason.


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## F-102

Perhaps it's something in her past, maybe her father who was the nicest guy on the planet, and then one day. "Surprise, dad's been sleeping around for years, and we all fell for his nice guy facade!"
If not her father, then maybe an ex BF?
And if not that, it may be schizophrenia. She seriously needs to see a therapist.


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## Deejo

Keep an open mind and an open heart, but also keep those boundaries firmly in place. They will safeguard your sanity.


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## RaceCarMan

Holy smokes, does this ever sound like my situation as well. 

My advice? Stay gone. 

I've been involved in a relationship that is just over three years. And it sounds exactly like yours. I tried over and over and bent over backwards, only to face these same types of behaviours, but in my case, it was ever two weeks, and I'd get the silent treatment, the accusations, the insinuations, and total suspicion about everything.

The funny peculiar thing is that she's the one that was telling lies. She calls them "little white lies" and always justifies them. 

I loved this woman like crazy. She is beautiful, when things are good, she's funny and fun to be around, but when she gets into this mood... the extremes are so bizarre. 

Like you, I don't go out, I don't want to be with anyone else, and have and had no plans or thoughts. 

But three years of this stuff.. all it does is build up resentment. A few days ago, it just all built up in me, and I flipped my lid, and it just got totally nasty. 

I begged her to go to councelling with me many many times. When we'd make up (which was ALWAYS me going back to her and trying to reconcile... but never any actual resolution to the issue was done), she'd agree to go to councelling, but then she'd not bother helping me to find one.

I did make an appointment on my own through my doctor in the spring. Guess what? She wouldn't go with me.

And I know I could use some councelling too - we all could, but I wanted to do it together.

Then, when I went - I had two appts. - after the second one, the councellor called me to reschedule, and my spouse started to accuse me of having something going on with the councillor!! 

It is so frustrating, and it's simply not worth it. The crazy thing is she is 49 years old.. you'd think by that age, you'd have your insecurities figured out. She comes across on the outside to all of her friends as a confident self-assured woman... but they don't see the anger and insecurity issues.

If you don't and can't get it looked after, forget it. If it drives you crazy, like it did me, you'll probably one day flip your lid. That's what I did, and I regret it. 

You can spend way too much time on someone else's issues, and there's no time left for your own work or peace of mind, always wondering when the next incident that is bizarre will come.

I guess I'm a little bitter right now... I've just ended it in the last few days, but it was so tiring and exhausting.


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## RaceCarMan

F-102 said:


> Hate to see a break-up, but if you go back, things will be good for awhile, and two weeks later, she'll be accusing you of more cheating, turning her family and friends against her, collaborating with the Nazis, being behind getting Bush in office, etc.
> In this case, I think you have to put your future and peace of mind front and center. Again, I hate to see you break up, but perhaps you've had enough. .


I absolutely agree. I kept trying, over and over, to make it work. When I met my "spouse" (girlfriend just seems like a weird term at my age, and we did live together), I believed she was THE one. I hadn't been interested in a relationship for quite some years previous to that - have my own business that I spent most of my time on as well as kids from a former relationship. 

I never inititally pursued my spouse either.. she did the pursuing of me, but when it happened, everything just seemed so fantastic. 

But then the insecurities came up.... and I should have just walked away the first time. I did tell her that I didn't have time for them, didn't want to be part of a relationship that had ongoing insecurity issues - but she asked me to give her a "second chance" in her words, and that she would work on them.

Well, she never did work on them, and the stuff about collaborating with Nazis.. etc... guess what? Not only accusations about cheating or online dating sites, etc.. apparently I tap phones, I hack her friends' computers, the other night, I was up late, and she claims she heard the telephone ring, and then claimed she heard me to go to the door. It was totally bizarre. I mean, she may have heard something -- we lived in an apartment, and you can hear things from the other apartments.. but nope.. I'm a "liar" according to her.

I am so filled with resentment and bitterness right now.


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## alone in love

I have the same problem in reverse. But my husband has been accusing me off and on for 16 years! I can forgive and forget easily, but this last time I couldn't. It's been a year since we finally stopped fighting and for some reason the resentment is building, not dwindling. I thought if I could wait it out - time would heal all wounds. But now I just wait, always on the edge of a bad mood, for the next round of accusations. I got accused of having a secret cell phone, and texting from the bathroom. And my husband even believed he found a video on my phone of me with another man. How can that be when it never happened? He too, wouldn't believe me - he just claims I was lying. You CAN'T prove a negative. seethomashowl and racecarman - it won't get better. Believe me. After 16 years of this, and 2 children with this man, I still pray every day for the pain to go away. I love my children more than life itself, and don't regret for one minute having them - but maybe if I didn't put up with this for so many years, I wouldn't be feeling the pain I feel now. In addition to all this turmoil, I've become suspicious and paranoid too. I don't trust my husband at all - and I'm not talking about being faithful. I don't trust him with my feelings, my heart, my emotions, my thoughts. I don't trust him to be a good husband, or even a good person. I don't count on him for anything. 
So to both of you - if you don't stop it now, it will only get worse and worse. It will change your life, and your personality. The one thing that I've always known about myself (and been very proud of) is that I am honest and loyal. My husband destroyed that.


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## vimtoman

It seems to me like she was only looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage, as she probably is either seeing someone else or has someone lined up, ye it might be true that she needs meds....but as said earlier if she no longer wants to be with you, then she should leave....not you.. you done nothing wrong and its also your apartment, head straight back to your apartment....


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## Hortensia

Darn...this makes the jokes I know about coming home late drunk unfunny  Sorry to hear what you're going thru. Move back in, that's your home too. Talk to your wife and find out if she is willing to start MC and seek professional help on IC. If she does, help her overcome her demons. Have your friends confirm about your whereabouts, maybe a common acquaintance saw you and can confirm too? Let her check your phone or other electronic devices - don't get defensive if she asks you for passwords. Give it to her calmly, she will find nothing and see that she's been acting crazy. But I agree it would be very tiresome to live like that for a long time. Maybe she is the one unfaithful ? 
Whether you decide to reconcile or to divorce, my heart goes to you  Shouldn't have moved out of your home when you're guilty of nothing.


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## F-102

Ummm...DEAD THREAD!


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## liveandletlive

I'm going through similar situation now. The problem is we have a son, an innocent child, who is going to suffer. But I'm really tired of this mind torture. Sometimes, for a brief period it seems everything is going to be all right and I start seeing a good future for us just to lose all hope soon after. I'm so f-k tired of defending myself ... I don't deserve this crap. I've been a good husband and been through hell for her and still being treated like **** day in day out.


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