# My Wife's Frustrating Family



## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post and I'm sorry for the length of it, but I need to get some things off my chest and try and get some perspective and a way forward.

I have been married to my wife for coming up to half a year, we've been together for a total of 4 years and I am now at my wits end with her family. My wife has self-esteem issues and has suffered (possibly is still suffering) with depression. Since I have known her she has received general abuse and abusive text messages from her father and her brother, and her mum doesn't know how to give out compassion. Her parents split some years ago and her father is (I think) a recovering alcoholic, and she has only recently got back in contact with him.

I am fortunate in that I come from a loving family who do not interfere with my life, but will always support me or provide advice whenever I need it, and more importantly, do not judge - hence my lack of understanding and frustration with her family. 

Her family have this annoying trait whereby when they don't talk for weeks everyone gets on with their own lives and everything is fine, but then, when everyone suddenly starts to forgive and forget there are more problems. It's an endless cycle, and if I were to list all the problem it would turn into a novel. Recently however, my wife has been subject to abusive text messages from her brother over a trivial subject where he wanted to attend a family gathering, then changed his mind, and changed it back again at the last minute. I lost my patience over this and stupidly posted on Facebook that I was getting fed up with the way some people treat people I care about (keep in mind this has been going on for years and some people can only take so much). I did not name names, although I realise this was an error in judgement. I admitted that it was out of character, but I am not sorry for once, and I think that her family realise that I am not the blue eyed boy anymore. The focus has shifted from her brother and I am now in the wrong. 

This is fine, I can deal with that because I have a backbone, but I am deeply worried about my wife, who has been in floods of tears for the past day or so. This has been the first occasion where I have stood up to her family, which I vowed to myself I would do when we got married, and that I would not tolerate their behaviour anymore. We are married and we don't need their interference anymore. I have since told her brother directly what I think, and he has told us not to expect seeing his children anymore which I know will devastate my wife as she is very close to his daughter. This is typical of the response you get from her family. Needless to say, he has now moved on to her Mum, essentially having a go at her because my wife and I have decent jobs and a house, blah blah. Excuse me for being responsible!:scratchhead:

My wife is now blaming herself for everything, and it hasn't helped that her Mum has told her that she always thinks of herself, when actually, all she wants to do is make everyone happy in order to make herself happy. She is always arranging things for people, but as I tell her, people will then become complacent and expect things from you. A little is fine, but don't organise their lives since that gives them a way to do it in return.

I want her to stop focusing on her family and focus on us, and on making us both happy. I know that if she does this and if we BOTH stand up to the rest of her family, whether it be from their abuse or just their little put-downs, we can get through this and who knows, maybe even earn their respect as well. I am wondering if this is unreasonable of me, and if I cannot get her to make a stand for herself what should I do? Because I do not feel I can continue to be in this same situation every 6 months, it is poisoning me too, and I cannot bring children of our own into this mess, but every time I tell my wife this it makes her feel worse. Nothing ever gets resolved - there are no apologies, and everything gets forgotten about. 

Thank you for your time, and I appreciate I may have omitted some details in order to shorten this post, so please ask if you need more information.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Counselling, counselling, counselling!

Seems like there are issues with boundaries all over. Furthermore, this is no doubt the original cause of her self-esteem issues.

I wouldn't hold high hopes of earning her family's respect, though. That is on them, not you.

If you are venting to your wife about her family you might be making her feel very uncomfortable. Rude or not, they are still her family... She is also powerless to control them... But once she learns how to set boundaries and enforce them, things may improve significantly.

Good luck with this... It will be a long process!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

YinPrincess said:


> Seems like there are issues with boundaries all over. Furthermore, this is no doubt the original cause of her self-esteem issues.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for your response. I am also in complete agreement with you that this is the cause of her current self-esteem issues and past depression, which is why I want us to try and set our own boundaries so she can actually see the grass is greener. 

Counselling would be beneficial, but I can't see my wife agreeing to this. I've broached the subject before but I was rebuffed. If things continue to get worse I may go on my own and see if she follows.

I'm also sure that I'm making her feel uncomfortable by venting, but what is the alternative? If I leave it will destroy her, and I care about her and love her too much to do that. It would help if all involved would grow up a little.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Well, I hate to say this, but her condition affects you directly. I don't think it's unreasonable to tell her she needs to go and learn how to cope with her family. If she doesn't want to do individual sessions you can suggest marriage counselling, which could help you both understand one another better and devise a united strategy of coping with the family issues.

She really should be encouraged to do individual counselling, though. Has she told you why she is hesitant to do it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

She hasn't told me in so many words, other than she has gone to counselling before and "it just didn't help her". It always feels like a sensitive subject to me so I don't push it too hard because I wonder if she was told something she didn't want to hear.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Without knowing exactly what happened with her last counsellor I can't really offer anything except to say that different counsellors use different methods and strategies. Or, it could be that her previous counsellor didn't help her because she didn't want it. If she doesn't want to grow and learn how to set boundaries and not tolerate unacceptable behaviour, there probably is not much you can do, unfortunately. You can try MC and perhaps IC for yourself... But she and her family will still be the same. You'll just deal with it more effectively...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JB101 said:


> She hasn't told me in so many words, other than she has gone to counselling before and "it just didn't help her". It always feels like a sensitive subject to me so I don't push it too hard because I wonder if she was told something she didn't want to hear.


 Too bad so sad. This is one of those places where you are going to have to put your foot down - for HER sake.

Go with her if she won't go alone. But she has GOT to go - and go for a LONG time, to learn to be ok with this. It won't get cleared up easily.

In the short term, get her this book - it may help just a little bit. It teaches you how to say no to your loved ones without them throwing a fit or accusing you of not loving them. Great little book, easy read: _The Dance Of Anger_. Therapists all over recommend it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

YinPrincess said:


> Counselling, counselling, counselling!



I often recommend counseling, but in this case, the benefit is marginal. The people who really need it are the in-laws, and it sounds like they would be unlikely to go.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She sounds like me, I moved across the states bc the depression was too much. I found a great therapist my last visit to see my family was so different that I did not cry or need to go back on meds. Best time ever. I also read a great books called "daughters of narsasistic mothers" google narsasisric personality and see if it applies to her mother. You may need to step in and get her away or at least break some contact and form boundaries. It's very hard to do by yourself at fist bc you feel guilty. 

Good luck, you sound like a great husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with both your wife and you reading "The Danace of Anger". It's a great book. It helped me a lot.

I also agree with the counseling. While her family seems to be very disfunctional, she has to learn how to deal with them in a way that causes her as little grief as possible. If she change, it will not matter if they change because she and you can keep most of their crazyness out of your relationship.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

> she has to learn how to deal with them in a way that causes her as little grief as possible. If she change, it will not matter if they change because she and you can keep most of their crazyness out of your relationship.


:iagree:

If anything, this will be the incentive for her family's growth and maturation, if possible...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Theseus said:


> I often recommend counseling, but in this case, the benefit is marginal. The people who really need it are the in-laws, and it sounds like they would be unlikely to go.


 People like his wife have been conditioned since childhood to play a certain role. You don't overcome that just because you decide to. It takes the help of a professional.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

Thank you all for your suggestions and insight, and I will take all of this on board. In my experience with my wife I know that she doesn't take kindly to people inferring that she has a problem so broaching the counselling subject will be difficult, but I will need to do this tactfully. At times it almost feels like telling an alcoholic that they need to stop drinking and awaiting the inevitable response...I admit that on occasion I do find myself questioning her commitment to our relationship.

Having said that since I have met her she has improved massively and is no longer as depressed as she was and has managed to take herself off anti-depressants. I feel it is more about taking the next step regarding standing up to others and leaving the resulting guilt behind. If I cannot get through to her then I know this has implications and the situation will not get any better and the onus is then on me to make a decision as to whether or not I can keep going through this.

I have had a look at some reviews for "Dance with Anger", and it does seem to fit the bill perfectly so I will invest in this. It looks like it could be of benefit to me as well as my wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read it together.

In fact, set up a counseling session together. Tell her that you've heard good things from friends or whatever, and you're excited to find someone who can help you two set up a strong foundation for your marriage and future family. That way, it's not about her. Or do what I did - tell my husband that I needed his support in my session, for me. The IC will pick up on her issues, and guide your discussions toward that. All you have to do is talk about how her family has hurt her, and he'll know what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Look up the difference between behavior therapy/counseling and other forms. In behavior it focuses on the behavior, what do to differently to reach your goal or get what you want. Going to it does not imply that there is anything wrong with a person. None of us do everything perfectly and we all could use some good input sometimes with big problems. If you approach it from the behavioral aspect she might be more receptive.

You can also tell her that you are having problems and would like her to participate to help you.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

OK...so last night I very tactfully tried to bring up the subject of counselling, and whether my wife was coping with the current situation and I've just opened a MASSIVE can of worms. She became very defensive and seemed insulted and couldn't understand why I tried to bring something up that was a few days old.

I felt like I had to back down from this which left her confused as to why I asked in the first place. I'm now in the wrong for being silent, because I'm effectively contemplating if it's even worth the hassle anymore. I have since explained that I just want to be a good husband and try and understand her and help her with these issues, in order we can avoid them together and just become a united front. She in turn has now finally admitted that she has a problem and keeps pushing people away. She keeps bringing up anti-depressants as being the cure to everything, but I want her to avoid this and try and reach a conclusion without drugs. She keeps telling me that in the UK you need to be on them in order to get counselling free via the NHS - but I think she is missing the point, or just doesn't want to pay for counselling - which I would happily do at this stage.

This is frustrating the hell out of me, because I'm not sure if she herself is grown up enough to deal with marriage, and I am sick and tired of ending up in this same place every so often. We have our good times and a lot of them, but it always ends up with me wishing I could find a brick wall to smash my head against when this happens. I also feel incredibly guilty for bringing it up in the first place, and so angry at her family for putting us in these positions. As you can probably tell, it's not the first time I've been in this position 

I'm going to counselling, whether she chooses to do the same or not will make me realise how seriously she is taking this, and whether it is worth it. At the very least it might make me understand how to cope better with these situations and whether or not I should even try to help her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're in the wrong because you acted WEAKLY. You backed down. That is weak. You need to protect your family and strong men don't back down from their wives, not if it's important, ok? 

You also need to tell her that her refusal to address this is making you question the marriage. 

You have got to be honest with her, ok?

Get this book and read it this weekend: No More Mr Nice Guy.

It will change your life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fwiw, it's not that she's not grown up enough. It's that she was traumatized as a child and has grown up into a mentally damaged adult. Who has no skills to deal with adult issues. THAT is why she needs therapy. Do NOT back down on this, or your marriage is going nowhere.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

I agree it was weak of me, but honestly, I do begin to question my own sanity at times.

We appear to be getting somewhere and she has finally agreed to go counselling with me, which is what I wanted. She has also asked me for my support in going back on anti-depressants, which I compromised with, but I told her that she then could NOT back out of counselling.

Believe me, I have already told her earlier today that I'm questioning the marriage and she quickly changed her thought pattern. It has now shifted to her blaming herself, which is exactly what I expected (but not what I wanted, but as I know, she has been conditioned for years to do this). I do fully understand she is a traumatized adult, but living with her personality, it can be difficult not to treat her like a child at times. This is why I also need the counselling: to understand how to do treat her accordingly.

Thank you for the suggestion regarding the book - I will certainly look at this. Anything to help us get through this at the moment is a bonus.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's good. ADs will help her. But it MUST accompany therapy.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

Another day, another development...

We were (perhaps still are), due to go out for a meal with my wife's mum and step-dad on Saturday night. My wife and her mum discussed when and where earlier on the phone today and she told her mum that I was going to have a chat with them all tomorrow (which I said I would do). When her mum prodded, my wife said that she has had enough of being belittled and will not take it from her family any more.

Apparently her mum did not take this well, saying "I don't do that" "that's not true", as expected. I'm proud of her for making a point and trying to set some boundaries...this is pre-counselling or meds, but I know that this will eat her up, and no doubt she will be the hot topic among her relatives. I have praised her for making the first step. I don't think I would have done this on the phone myself, but at least it feels like we are now on the same page.

It's a start and we just need to see it through.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's excellent!


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