# Not proud of who I became after marriage



## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

Before I got married, before I'd even started dating my husband, I was what some would call 'outgoing'. If there was something to do out of my house, I was usually there. If a friend popped up at my house and wanted to go out I'd go if I wasn't already there. I loved going off-road and just doing what made me feel free.

I never really complained about anything except bad drivers.

About 6 months ago I started listening to myself when I talk to my husband. And I was horrified. I was scolding him for speeding up to a red light. I was getting upset that he'd turned a corner too sharply because it would ruin the tires. I was complaining that I hadn't wanted something he'd ordered for me at McD's. I was freaking out because something wasn't in the exact same spot I'd left it in the house. The list goes on and on.

What happened to me? I always hated wives that berated their husbands and kids over stupid ****, and here I am being a hypocrite. Why am I suddenly so tense about every little thing? Is this all just a side-effect of getting married?

I hate who I've become and how I behave, particularly with my husband. He puts up with me for whatever reason I can't figure out, but I'm so ashamed of changing from happy-go-lucky spontaneous to hardass *****. Please help me understand what changed!!


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I don't know. It sounds like you've lost respect for him for some reason. 

Has HE changed since you've been married? Maybe you don't respect him because he lets you talk to him this way.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I think you are bothered by something else....maybe there is something you are really concerned with, related to your relationship with your husband, but can't face it or figure it out and the only way you can vent or go at it is when driving with your husband. Communication and honesty.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

themrs said:


> I don't know. It sounds like you've lost respect for him for some reason.
> 
> Has HE changed since you've been married? Maybe you don't respect him because he lets you talk to him this way.



Themrs has hit this nail on the head.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Maybe you were like this all the time, but only now you realizing that you don't like who you became. It's good though, that you are reflecting, and willing to change you behavior.
Maybe you get this behavior from your mother. Has you mother been like this with you father, or with you? Did she nagged all the time around the house?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

The good thing is, you can change. It's your choice. I'd start by apologizing to your husband for being a complainer. Then, I'd work on my perspective. The easiest way to stop complaining (that I have found) is to just keep your mouth shut. Try that. When you want to complain about this or that, just don't say anything. 

Once you've got that down, replace the complaint with a compliment or an expression of gratitude. Like if he makes the red light say, "Looks like you made it, huh?" or if he brings you something you hadn't wanted from McD say, "Haven't had this in a while. Thank you." 

Just put a positive spin on everything or don't say anything.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Themrs has hit this nail on the head.


I agree, and it probably stems from the fact that your husband never says anything to you about the constant *****ing. If I'm not far off the mark, you may have to take him by the hand and show him how to take his balls back.

Is he the classic conflict avoidance type that says things like,

"Yes dear, whatever you say/like."
"Sure honey, I can do it that way next time."
"I'm sorry." (this said as a response to EVERYTHING that irritates you)

If so, I'm sure you have lost all respect for him as a man, because he doesn't show you he is a man.


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## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

I know part of why I might be acting this way is stress. But it's not that I don't _respect_ him. He's the one busting his @$$ to bring money into the house and provide for his daughter. I've been working a small time job so that he can do this, because otherwise we'd have to put her in daycare and that would cost us a paycheck.

But we both have changed since she was born. We're a LOT more worried about bills now and whose going to do what to make sure it gets done.

Yes, my mother is the berating type (one of the reasons I hate it so much). She's been on the brink of divorcing my stepfather for years and there was always yelling in the house. There was also abuse in the house. My biological father was never in the picture. I lived in a house with 4 smaller children, so I usually had things in a certain area of my room so if they went missing I would notice. I have, however, fallen out of that habit since I've moved out.

And No, usually I'm the one trying to get him to make a decision. He'll ask me a question and I'll ask what he'd like to do, which starts the cycle of 'well, what do you want to do?' I'll try giving him the two options I like best and have him choose since I'd be okay with both, and then he'll try to make me narrow it down even more. I've asked him to stop doing that, but he says he's just trying to make me as happy as possible cuz there are days (particularly around 'that week') where I'll refer to the house as The Cage because we only have one working car right now and are working on paying off the old one that died.


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## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

(sorry I forgot all the pointers) Yes, I do apologize after I realize what I'm doing. I'll start in as "(insert name), what the hell! That was too hard turning onto the highway. You trying to rip out the tires...." and about half way into it I'll hear myself and stop, put my hands over my mouth, and he'll look at me all forgiving... at which point I'll mutter I'm sorry and I didn't mean it to come out so rude. 

He's got this thing where for whatever reason he thinks that green lights mean stop and red lights mean keep going. It wasn't like that when we were dating so it was never a problem for me to say something. He's also gotten his license suspended for going 72mph in a 35. And with our daughter in the backseat (being a year old) makes me a little overprotective of her.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Material providing, this does not make you automatically feel respect for him. 

Material things, these are just things, and not the person we love and are in a relationship with.

Not making a decision, not standing up for himself, not telling you to stop complaining, these ARE behaviors that will make any woman not feel respect for her man. 

A woman, when her man is always agreeing and refusing to stand up for himself, which is a form of dishonesty at the core, in a woman this is exactly going to inspire her to do these same things you are concerned with doing, which is the petty complaining, essentially the dreaded "nagging" that we all are familiar with.

This is actually perfectly natural, as the man does need the inspiration and motivation to stop the charade of dishonest agreement, and instead to be honest and bold enough to stand for himself, and reveal his desires, and assume his proper role in the relationship as a good man, and not, excuse this for words, but not continue to act like an overgrown child.

No woman wants to constantly "mother" her man, and this is exactly what happens, when the man is always to defer to the woman and never make a decision or take on leadership or take on responsibilities in these matters.

The reality is that he needs to stop believing that avoiding disagreeing with you is the way to make you happy, and instead he needs to start to see the real truth that to be himself and stand for himself and the things that are important to him, that this is the right way to make you both happy.

Find the positive ways to show him this path.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

We all change after getting married to some degree. It's not really changing though, I think it's more that we stop trying to meet all the needs of our partners and sit back and think, now I'm safe, I can relax and they can be everything I need. We conveniently forget they are people with needs too.

What comes out is all the parts of our personality we denied were there, but were always there. We are all very good at fooling ourselves about these things.

If you want some real understanding about who you are and what you are doing in your relationship, you might consider reading,

'Getting the love you want', by Harville Hendrix

It's a great eye opener about human nature. I especially liked where it explained why people fall in love, and then start a power struggle with each other.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Eli_Erdwell said:


> (sorry I forgot all the pointers) Yes, I do apologize after I realize what I'm doing. I'll start in as "(insert name), what the hell! That was too hard turning onto the highway. You trying to rip out the tires...." and about half way into it I'll hear myself and stop, put my hands over my mouth, and he'll look at me all forgiving... at which point I'll mutter I'm sorry and I didn't mean it to come out so rude.
> 
> He's got this thing where for whatever reason he thinks that green lights mean stop and red lights mean keep going. It wasn't like that when we were dating so it was never a problem for me to say something. He's also gotten his license suspended for going 72mph in a 35. And with our daughter in the backseat (being a year old) makes me a little overprotective of her.


A similar thing used to happen when my husband and I first got married. He would speed on the highway all the time with me and the kids in the car and it would infuriate me. I wouldn't yell at him, but I would say something like, "Please slow down you are going to get a ticket." 

He would always look very annoyed with me. He would moan and groan and I would think how immature he was. So, I stopped saying anything. He would speed, I'd be anxious but I'd keep my mouth shut. Then one day, he got a ticket. I knew it would happen. It was going to happen eventually. Today, he doesn't speed. 

I've learned that men are going to do what they are going to do until they have to face the consequences. If they don't get caught, the just keep on doing whatever they do. You know the old, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" mentality. Nothing we can say is going to change their minds. So why bother?


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## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

I know what you mean themrs, about facing consequences. But with my husband swerving on the road cuz he has a hard time concentrating on more than one thing at a time, I just don't want that consequence to be a huge dent in the car or, god forbid, a dead body. I've offered to drive to prevent this, and then he gets all frustrated with 'not being allowed to drive the family car'. 
He works a janitorial job, so when we're home, I don't make him clean all that much. But when he leaves messes around the house for me to pick up, I feel like I'm nagging just to get him to clean up his end. I do the dishes, laundry, our daughters things, scrub, dust, clean the bathroom... you name it. So I don't think asking him to keep it relatively neat is too much. But if I say anything, I feel like I sound whiny.
But the part about relaxing out of safety as Breeze said makes a lot of sense...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Having children does change us women tremendously, both physically and mentally. It's a lot of overwhelming stress to go from being free to feeling responsible for another living creature. I think we sometimes get stuck in mommy mode 24/7 and don't know how to re-connect with our pre-mommy self.

I can only suggest that you do allow yourself to re-connect with your pre-mommy self so that you don't lose her completely. Understand that your daughter is going to be alright and that you are both doing the best you can to raise her well and give yourself a break.

He feels the stress and obligation as well. He is just losing himself in a different way and allowing you to act out all the stress while he stays silent. Talk to him, reconnect to your per-baby selves together and reclaim your husband/wife relationship. It is all still there just buried under the weight and stress of family financial and emotional responsibility.


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