# no libido - help



## Goose (Sep 4, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years and dated for several years before we got married. I definitely had a libido while we dated. Almost immediately after getting married things changed for me. It was no longer fun or even pleasant I ended up avoiding it. We would go for weeks without having sex as a newly married couple. The hubs was left feeling hurt, tricked, and angry. Recent years we have sex a lot more than we used to, but it's not good sex, for either of us. We fight a lot, I withdraw, he sees my withdrawal as an attack instead of me just being hurt, and then gets madder. We continually go through this cycle of me being too introverted, hubs getting mad, we make up, and then a couple weeks later nothing has changed and we’re back fighting. Neither of us wants separate but I'm afraid we've gotten to the point where we've both hurt each other too many times to push through. I think that if I actually wanted sex he would be much happier (surprise, surprise, I know). The question is, how do I do that? I’m really worried that I won’t be able to change.


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## LostinNE (Aug 31, 2015)

Goose said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years and dated for several years before we got married. I definitely had a libido while we dated. Almost immediately after getting married things changed for me. It was no longer fun or even pleasant I ended up avoiding it. We would go for weeks without having sex as a newly married couple. The hubs was left feeling hurt, tricked, and angry. Recent years we have sex a lot more than we used to, but it's not good sex, for either of us. We fight a lot, I withdraw, he sees my withdrawal as an attack instead of me just being hurt, and then gets madder. We continually go through this cycle of me being too introverted, hubs getting mad, we make up, and then a couple weeks later nothing has changed and we’re back fighting. Neither of us wants separate but I'm afraid we've gotten to the point where we've both hurt each other too many times to push through. I think that if I actually wanted sex he would be much happier (surprise, surprise, I know). The question is, how do I do that? I’m really worried that I won’t be able to change.


You said it isn't fun or pleasant (anymore). How so?

Tried marriage counseling, sex therapy, etc . ?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What I find puzzling is that your libido disappeared right after you got married.

You know, we tend to mirror the gender roles we saw our parents model for us. If we saw our mother slamming cabinet doors for days on end, we tend to mirror that type of conflict avoidance. If we saw mother angrily shouting and letting it all out, we tend to mirror that type of conflict style as well. I say this because being a girl friend doesn't usually bring out the married gender role style we saw growing up, but once we get married we do tend to fall into that role. In light of this, do you feel like you might be mirroring a lack of affection that you witnessed between your parents? Just something to think about.

Once you libido disappeared, did sex become a regular battle or battle ground?

You say you're having more sex now but now there is much more conflict in your relationship. What are some of the issues that bring about this conflict?

It is possible to save a conflict ridden marriage if both partners will work on owning their side of things.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Goose said:


> I think that if I actually wanted sex he would be much happier (surprise, surprise, I know). *The question is, how do I do that? * I’m really worried that I won’t be able to change.



The biggest aspect of sexuality is your mind, so you have to practice thinking about sex in a way that is pleasing. Perhaps reading books and self-exploring through meditation might help. Once your mind responds to an idea, you SHARE that with your husband and see if he can help create a sexual scenario that accommodates this new idea you like.

If you expect him to just try new things until you respond to something new, while that may work it is unlikely to happen. That is also problematic as you engage in intimacy not knowing what to expect or if you will even like it. The result is kind of like flipping channels on TV when you are bored and nothing interests you. 

If you research the most common female sexual fantasies, you'll find that most are so inappropriate that an average person would forbid themselves to enjoy thinking about those things as they may be harmful to the marriage (adultery, domination, bi-sexuality, etc.). So if you have turned off your fantasies, keep in mind that many people still enjoy fantasies that they would never act upon. Some even enjoy some playful role-play here and there with their spouse based on these impossible/unlikely fantasies. 

An example I read from one lady was that she had a fantasy of helping prepare a female virgin to be with her husband for the first time, combined with the fact that she wanted to know what it felt like for the man. Obviously a scenario that would never happen, but it did make for some VERY creative and kinky play between a loving husband and wife while she would wear a strap on with him. 

Best wishes, 
Badsanta


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