# Sex after spouses EA? What was it like for you?



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

We are doing our best to push through this. Had a good talk last night. He was very forthcoming. Some of it was painful to hear but really nothing I didnt already suspect. No PA for sure. Alot of flirting, alot of personal coversations. Talking about their spouses/families etc. She stroked his ego big time. I knew that. He doesnt/hasnt ever loved her. Doesnt want to be with her. It was all about him(thats what he said). She made him feel 25 again....yada yada. Anyway, its over and done and I believe that(and still verify that occassionally). 

Here is where some of the struggle is coming for me. Last night I felt very close to him. Like he was honest even when it hurt him. And it was clear that it was hurting him to say this stuff to me but he knew I needed him to. So after our talk one thing led to another and feeling all close to him we started to have sex. All was great. He was wonderful, attentive and very 'present' I guess is the way to describe it. Then out of nowhere, BAM! I totally lost focus and everything come at me like a ton of bricks. The idea of him telling her his private thoughts...etc. I couldnt get my focus back really. I kind of pushed the right buttons so he would 'finish'. He wrapped himself around me and slept. I stared at the ceiling for an hour. 

Just curious, is this the norm?:scratchhead:


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I read this and 100% totally have same scenario. Please someone answer this because I too need to know. 

When we have our good talks and are close (sex) then all of a sudden I can't control the wall I hit. I "think" it's because I am scared to feel good because I can't handle a crash like I had on DDAY.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

been there but with the PA side

so I assume it's akin to the mind movies, sex is equated with love and if you feel jilted then the sex can suffer


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> been there but with the PA side
> 
> so I assume it's akin to the mind movies, sex is equated with love and if you feel jilted then the sex can suffer


so how long did it last?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

The time frame for this is different for everyone. There was a lot of hysterical bonding after my H's affair came out. But once that was over, I would kinda hit that same wall. 

The best I can tell you, is to try and put on a CD of music that makes you think of happy times between the two of you that are NOT going to trigger any bad memories and see if it can help you drown out your thoughts for a bit. Eventually, you will make it down to where you are just "in the moment" and the music won't be needed. How are you healing in general?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> so how long did it last?


it popped up here and there, it wasn't an everytime occurance. Maybe 2-3 months? we had so much sex post affair that it faded somewhat quickly


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> it popped up here and there, it wasn't an everytime occurance. Maybe 2-3 months? we had so much sex post affair that it faded somewhat quickly


thats what Im hoping for! It will be a shame to ruin this part of our relationship. He is an incredible lover, I'd be missing out for sure!


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> The time frame for this is different for everyone. There was a lot of hysterical bonding after my H's affair came out. But once that was over, I would kinda hit that same wall.
> 
> The best I can tell you, is to try and put on a CD of music that makes you think of happy times between the two of you that are NOT going to trigger any bad memories and see if it can help you drown out your thoughts for a bit. Eventually, you will make it down to where you are just "in the moment" and the music won't be needed. How are you healing in general?


great idea. my head and thoughts don't stop or slow down for me. I wonder afterwards too "why" did we just have sex? Was it what he wanted, did he feel obligated, was it just for me to not worry???


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> The time frame for this is different for everyone. There was a lot of hysterical bonding after my H's affair came out. But once that was over, I would kinda hit that same wall.
> 
> The best I can tell you, is to try and put on a CD of music that makes you think of happy times between the two of you that are NOT going to trigger any bad memories and see if it can help you drown out your thoughts for a bit. Eventually, you will make it down to where you are just "in the moment" and the music won't be needed. How are you healing in general?


well, its relatively new. So I think he finally put all of the truth out and hopefully I know all there is to know. I want to move forward. I really doubt I will ever feel the love I felt for him before this but I still have enough love for him to last a lifetime. He is a good man, a good father. He is strong and direct and has a bit of a bad boy streak(which I love). All of this hasnt changed. What has changed is my trust and respect. He is working really hard to change that and understands(to the degree he can since it hasnt happened to him) what it has done to me/us. He knows this is a marathon and not a sprint. He says he is sorry most days. He does something/anything just to let me know he's trying everyday. Even if its just light some candles at bath time and sit in there with me. 

But I do have bad times. Times when I know he is with her(at work). I still struggle there. I worry she will weasle her way back in. 
I still dont have my appetite. Still not sleeping well. How long did it take for you to get through the day and not think about it so much?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> great idea. my head and thoughts don't stop or slow down for me. I wonder afterwards too "why" did we just have sex? Was it what he wanted, did he feel obligated, was it just for me to not worry???


OH NO INGALLS!!!! You just had sex b/c he is your husband! Because it is bonding. I assume he is remorseful and has become transparent?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Ingalls said:


> great idea. my head and thoughts don't stop or slow down for me. I wonder afterwards too "why" did we just have sex? Was it what he wanted, did he feel obligated, was it just for me to not worry???


Do you feel good when you are having sex with him? Do you feel like you are emotionally bonding with him? If you do, then realize that you are second guessing yourself. think of things you two can do together to reassure you that it just isn't "sex". Lay together for 10 minutes and cuddle, etc, etc.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> well, its relatively new. So I think he finally put all of the truth out and hopefully I know all there is to know. I want to move forward. I really doubt I will ever feel the love I felt for him before this but I still have enough love for him to last a lifetime. He is a good man, a good father. He is strong and direct and has a bit of a bad boy streak(which I love). All of this hasnt changed. What has changed is my trust and respect. He is working really hard to change that and understands(to the degree he can since it hasnt happened to him) what it has done to me/us. He knows this is a marathon and not a sprint. He says he is sorry most days. He does something/anything just to let me know he's trying everyday. Even if its just light some candles at bath time and sit in there with me.
> 
> But I do have bad times. Times when I know he is with her(at work). I still struggle there. I worry she will weasle her way back in.
> I still dont have my appetite. Still not sleeping well. How long did it take for you to get through the day and not think about it so much?


 Do you think his apologizing every day is holding you back? or rather that it is reminding you MORE of what happened? 

I didn't realize they are still working together. I take it that there is not any other option when it comes to this?

It took me about six months to get myself to a place where it wasn't every day. About a year out, I hardly remembered, maybe only once every 4-5 months. We are 2.5 years out now and I rarely think about it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Do you think his apologizing every day is holding you back? or rather that it is reminding you MORE of what happened?
> 
> I didn't realize they are still working together. I take it that there is not any other option when it comes to this?
> 
> It took me about six months to get myself to a place where it wasn't every day. About a year out, I hardly remembered, maybe only once every 4-5 months. We are 2.5 years out now and I rarely think about it.


In a way it does bring it up but usually he does it when he can tell its on my mind. He doesnt just bring it up out of the blue. Like if she emails him(about work)his phone dings. Not only when its her, anytime he gets an email it dings. He always shows it to me(transparency). Sometimes they require immediate attention and other times they can wait. On the times when they have to be answered ASAP and they are from her, for example, he will always stop and say something like "I am so freakin' sorry". And its legit. He looks sorry. I can see it in his eyes. I can feel it when he touches me. 

No, at the moment there arent any options. He is actively looking for another job. As soon as he gets an offer he will be gone.(fingers crossed). But he sits literally 10 ft from her 10hrs a day. Drives me crazy when I let it. For example: If I text him and he takes too long to answer my mind goes a little nuts.(I have not told him this)


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> OH NO INGALLS!!!! You just had sex b/c he is your husband! Because it is bonding. I assume he is remorseful and has become transparent?


I didn't mean to take over your post/question! Sorry for that  

Yes you are right it's bonding: see that's my battle right now-my own thoughts. He is just coming around. He said today he is going to call and make appointments for MC. So I am hopeful-he said this last week too! And if I keep asking I'm a nag!

He was been transparent (but again my thoughts-I told him how I found out and a part of me wonders if he has just become tech savvy). Remorseful? Well maybe everyone is different? He did email and show me the email to the OW who was his EA that I was uncomfortable with his communication with her and bc after 20+ years of marriage he wanted to work on us.

thanks for listening.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> I didn't mean to take over your post/question! Sorry for that
> 
> Yes you are right it's bonding: see that's my battle right now-my own thoughts. He is just coming around. He said today he is going to call and make appointments for MC. So I am hopeful-he said this last week too! And if I keep asking I'm a nag!
> 
> ...


No worries. Im looking for other peoples experiences with the same thing. Happy to hear from you.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> In a way it does bring it up but usually he does it when he can tell its on my mind. He doesnt just bring it up out of the blue. Like if she emails him(about work)his phone dings. Not only when its her, anytime he gets an email it dings. He always shows it to me(transparency). Sometimes they require immediate attention and other times they can wait. On the times when they have to be answered ASAP and they are from her, for example, he will always stop and say something like "I am so freakin' sorry". And its legit. He looks sorry. I can see it in his eyes. I can feel it when he touches me.
> 
> No, at the moment there arent any options. He is actively looking for another job. As soon as he gets an offer he will be gone.(fingers crossed). But he sits literally 10 ft from her 10hrs a day. Drives me crazy when I let it. For example: If I text him and he takes too long to answer my mind goes a little nuts.(I have not told him this)


You should tell him, but tell him in a way that is helpful. Such as " When I text you and can't get a quick response I feel hurt." Leave it at that and since he seems remorseful he will probably make it a point to get back to you as quickly as possible.

It is good that he apologizes when these things happen. I can imagine it might take you until he can change jobs to get any peace from all of it. I do think talking about it can help a lot, as long as it isn't constantly repetitive. Do you want the verbal apologies, or do you want physical touch? Cuddling? Sitting together and flirting,etc?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Do you feel good when you are having sex with him? Do you feel like you are emotionally bonding with him? If you do, then realize that you are second guessing yourself. think of things you two can do together to reassure you that it just isn't "sex". Lay together for 10 minutes and cuddle, etc, etc.


Not until this weekend: DDAY was last July??? So i need to focus on the great weekend and not the times prior. Honestly the entire last 10 months we maybe had sex once a month. Well Vegas was more  then the trigger happened bc that is with he met the OW at a business trip and I was good emotionally until the last night.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> I didn't mean to take over your post/question! Sorry for that
> 
> Yes you are right it's bonding: see that's my battle right now-my own thoughts. He is just coming around. He said today he is going to call and make appointments for MC. So I am hopeful-he said this last week too! And if I keep asking I'm a nag!
> 
> ...


did he block her? TEll her not to contact him? give you passwords?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Ingalls said:


> Not until this weekend: DDAY was last July??? So i need to focus on the great weekend and not the times prior. Honestly the entire last 10 months we maybe had sex once a month. Well Vegas was more  then the trigger happened bc that is with he met the OW at a business trip and I was good emotionally until the last night.


 I am trying to say this without sounding like an a**. There is being hurt and recovering, and then there is holding onto things. I am soooo guilty of that when it came to my H's PA. I held onto it for a while, until someone here (AFEH? and DanF) pointed out that I was holding on to it and keeping it as a reason to not give my H back my heart. I was using it to protect myself. Constantly telling myself " He can't be trusted, so I need to keep be overly aware of that and not get too involved". Huge mistake on my part. I haven't forgotten about it by any means, but I simply had to make the choice. I wanted this to work. I do love him, and why stay with him and hold back out of fear. If it happens again, it happens and I have no control over that. But I had to choose to want to be in it to win it. After that, things sailed a lot smoother and the triggers got farther and farther out. I had finally chosen to be here fully, instead of only barely put myself out there. Its a hard thing to do, but it must be done. IN YOUR OWN TIME. No one is on the same schedule, but I would recommend you START thinking about this, and realizing your wants and needs. Make no mistake, happens again I am out the door without a regret in the world. But in order to heal, you have to want to.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> You should tell him, but tell him in a way that is helpful. Such as " When I text you and can't get a quick response I feel hurt." Leave it at that and since he seems remorseful he will probably make it a point to get back to you as quickly as possible.
> 
> It is good that he apologizes when these things happen. I can imagine it might take you until he can change jobs to get any peace from all of it. I do think talking about it can help a lot, as long as it isn't constantly repetitive. Do you want the verbal apologies, or do you want physical touch? Cuddling? Sitting together and flirting,etc?


I did want them. After what I believe was the "mother load" of information. He answered every question even when I could tell he didnt want to. I know it was probably true b/c some of the answers were painful to me and to him but he gave them anyway, without mincing words, sometimes with tears in his eyes but he gave them.

He has always been flirty w/me and very touchy so that isnt new. When I first caught on to what was happening I shut down pretty quickly when he didnt give me the truth when asked. I had to do the 180 pretty much to distance myself from him. I adored him. I still do but I am much more cautious now. So last night was the first time we actually spent some real 'quality' time together. Not just a quickie then sleep or whatever since this all started. I really felt his presence. If his body could say "im sorry" without using his mouth, it did that last night. So, I think you are right, he is gonna have to get a new job for me to move through this the rest of the way. Im not sure he gets the torture that I go through on a daily basis with him that close to her all the time.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> I did want them. After what I believe was the "mother load" of information. He answered every question even when I could tell he didnt want to. I know it was probably true b/c some of the answers were painful to me and to him but he gave them anyway, without mincing words, sometimes with tears in his eyes but he gave them.
> 
> He has always been flirty w/me and very touchy so that isnt new. When I first caught on to what was happening I shut down pretty quickly when he didnt give me the truth when asked. I had to do the 180 pretty much to distance myself from him. I adored him. I still do but I am much more cautious now. So last night was the first time we actually spent some real 'quality' time together. Not just a quickie then sleep or whatever since this all started. I really felt his presence. If his body could say "im sorry" without using his mouth, it did that last night. So, I think you are right, he is gonna have to get a new job for me to move through this the rest of the way. Im not sure he gets the torture that I go through on a daily basis with him that close to her all the time.


 That is a very good place to be! Nothing wrong with being a little cautious, but do read my reply to the other poster about holding onto it and healing. Huge difference. Acceptance is a big tool that I had to use. I had to accept that he was not perfect and made a horrible life changing choice. 

I do think it would be in your best interest to talk to him about the work thing. I know he is looking, and I know jobs are scarce. But informing him of the pain you go through when he goes to work is just making him aware of how much it hurt you. You should never be embarrassed to tell him you are hurt. Explain it to him using your "I" sentences and trust him with that information about your feelings.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I am having a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable with him. I feel guarded for sure. I keep alot of my deepest feelings/thoughts to myself(or to you guys on here). Trusting him with my emotions is tough for me right now. Im looking at him. I recognize him but I fear getting too close to him again. Giving him the avenue to cause me such grief again just seems...crazy.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> I am having a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable with him. I feel guarded for sure. I keep alot of my deepest feelings/thoughts to myself(or to you guys on here). Trusting him with my emotions is tough for me right now. Im looking at him. I recognize him but I fear getting too close to him again. Giving him the avenue to cause me such grief again just seems...crazy.


 I can fully understand not wanting to completely give him access to your innermost thoughts. But by holding back on telling him how this work situation is hurting you, you are in a sense hurting yourself. 

Give yourself a couple of days. Look at him. Study his behaviors. See if you can get yourself to a place where you can let out a small amount of vulnerability to tell him about your constant hurt over his job. Lay out what you go through. Try to extend a small bit of trust and give him the opportunity to not abuse it. But only do this if you can speak about your hurt, and not "attack" him about work. Hard to not want to do that!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> We are doing our best to push through this. Had a good talk last night. He was very forthcoming. Some of it was painful to hear but really nothing I didnt already suspect. No PA for sure. Alot of flirting, alot of personal coversations. Talking about their spouses/families etc. She stroked his ego big time. I knew that. He doesnt/hasnt ever loved her. Doesnt want to be with her. It was all about him(thats what he said). She made him feel 25 again....yada yada. Anyway, its over and done and I believe that(and still verify that occassionally).
> 
> Here is where some of the struggle is coming for me. Last night I felt very close to him. Like he was honest even when it hurt him. And it was clear that it was hurting him to say this stuff to me but he knew I needed him to. So after our talk one thing led to another and feeling all close to him we started to have sex. All was great. He was wonderful, attentive and very 'present' I guess is the way to describe it. Then out of nowhere, BAM! I totally lost focus and everything come at me like a ton of bricks. The idea of him telling her his private thoughts...etc. I couldnt get my focus back really. I kind of pushed the right buttons so he would 'finish'. He wrapped himself around me and slept. I stared at the ceiling for an hour.
> 
> Just curious, is this the norm?:scratchhead:


I dont know how you say he did not love her. In EA there is an element of attraction, love, dear.

Okay, coming to the issue. 
In my case, soon after disclosure, during the course of sex, I happened to loose focus. Something like off. All of a sudden. 

But not all the days, I had this. 

It fades over time.

I presume you had the disclosure recently?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Wife had a four month EA,text,phone even met ex hs bf few times in public place,in R now for 7 weeks,when we have sex this doesnt seem to bother me too much,if it became a PA I couldnt do it.The E A is on my mind a lot but not during intimacy that much,still waiting for her to set up MC session.Strange thing though she told me everything revolves around sex for me,it important but not my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> I dont know how you say he did not love her. In EA there is an element of attraction, love, dear.
> 
> Okay, coming to the issue.
> In my case, soon after disclosure, during the course of sex, I happened to loose focus. Something like off. All of a sudden.
> ...


No i dont think he loved 'her' I think he loved what she did for his ego.He was attracted to her, no doubt. I have been attracted to people and enjoyed their attention. I did not love them.

Anyway, yes I called him out on it in late January. He denied it. Then kinda trickle truth'd. Got the 180.I sat him down and said "if you dont tell me the whole truth Im gone, if you do I will stay and we will work through this. But dont leave any stone unturned b/c this is it" So then I asked just about everything I have ever thought of. He answered. It sucked. We are still standing.. albiet on broken legs.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> Wife had a four month EA,text,phone even met ex hs bf few times in public place,in R now for 7 weeks,when we have sex this doesnt seem to bother me too much,if it became a PA I couldnt do it.The E A is on my mind a lot but not during intimacy that much,still waiting for her to set up MC session.Strange thing though she told me everything revolves around sex for me,it important but not my life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so why does she say 'everything revolves around sex' for you then?
In our case, I am the one like that. He is very sexual but I am much more HD! Must be the age thing.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks DawnD...not an a** comment at all. I appreciate pointing that out to me. I live in a small community and I'm VERY private and I'm never seen down or upset. SOOOO I don't get to vent and/or figure out things. I feel lucky to stumble on TAM.

Best of luck canttrustu. It will get better


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Ingalls said:


> Thanks DawnD...not an a** comment at all. I appreciate pointing that out to me. I live in a small community and I'm VERY private and I'm never seen down or upset. SOOOO I don't get to vent and/or figure out things. I feel lucky to stumble on TAM.
> 
> Best of luck canttrustu. It will get better


No problem. Have your spouse take any/all kids out, pour yourself a glass of wine, watch a chick flick, cry it out, scream, have a fit, get it ALL OUT. Nothing worse than having to appear as doing great when you aren't. I have one close girlfriend I would turn to and we were both able to lean on one another when my H's affair happened. She had already been through one in a prior marriage, and she was doing what I needed. Listening. Post a vent. Scream. TYPE IN ALL CAPS hahahahaha


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I found out about H's (2) EA's ( Dday #1 Sep. 22nd)
(Dday #2 Nov. 24th)

The first week we had 1 "hysterical bonding" 

Right after our second time having sex, I broke down crying... he ignored it and just went to sleep. Didn't ask me about it until next morning.... guess he got sex, he didn't want to worry about talking about my feelings and ruin his moment or sleep.

Since then we have only had sex 4 times. I know this bothers him, but I have no interest in him like that since I don't have truth yet. There's other issues involved with all this too, which makes it hard to want to be "intimate" with him right now.

I have also been sleeping on couch, not in bed with him ( also the couch is more comfortable since my surgery)...

We are still in limbo, deciding between R(him) or D(me)


Good luck on your end. Hope all works out for the best.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I found out about H's (2) EA's ( Dday #1 Sep. 22nd)
> (Dday #2 Nov. 24th)
> 
> The first week we had 1 "hysterical bonding"
> ...


He is still not forthcoming since November??? Is it still going on?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> He is still not forthcoming since November??? Is it still going on?



As far as I can tell, no. He is a truck driver and gone 5 1/2 days a week, so unless he's got another phone or calling card. I have a keylogger on computer and no activity there (other than porn).

I have talked to his XW and compared her side of their divorce story,,, (doesn't match what he told me).. so know there have been mostly lies since beginning of our relationship ( together for 11/ married 9 this August). I have not confronted him on talking to her yet.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

you need spyware on his phone. Its sad that he would go to sleep after sex and leave you to cry over his wrongdoing.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> you need spyware on his phone. Its sad that he would go to sleep after sex and leave you to cry over his wrongdoing.



He just has an ordinary flip phone, which I can get online and check calls and texts ( I changed pw so he can't get on the account). 

The 2nd EA was with his old hs gf which I just recently found out he slept with in 99 (right before we got together), and they have ALWAYS stayed in touch with each other since hs,, so I can't see him being able to go very long without talking to her. (yet he says they are "just friends" I call BS on that one. 

And with all the lies I have found out he has told me from beginning ( he cheated on his XW also.. so now i know kinda a pattern for him)..... I'm going to IC to help myself, I just have to get the balls to confront him on talking to his XW. I know it's not going to be a pretty conversation when I do. Unfortunately I have a meek personality, so it's hard for me to bring things up. ( Sad, I know, he can hurt me so badly, yet I worry about hurting him)...:scratchhead:


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