# Advice - young married couple - wife has no sex drive



## frustratedhusband (Nov 13, 2008)

My wife and I have been together 6 years, 3 of them married, we're both in our early 30's and we just started a family. Overall I think we're both happy, but our sex life has been tanking since about 6 months before we got married, coincedentally right after she moved in.

Before that we were intimate every time she stayed over, about 4-5 times a week, and we both loved it and we both very much sexually satisfied each other. My wife was a very openly sexual person w/me, and we talked/watched porn and introduced toys, all of which were very mutually agreed upon. 

After she moved in, it pretty much went from 4-5 times/week to about once/twice a month, and that was w/me pushing it a lot. I wrote it off that we were both under a lot of stress at the time, we were both forced to start new jobs, and we also had the stress of planning our own wedding. But even after we got married 1-2 times a month was pretty much the status quo. Things didn't pick up until we decided to start a family, then it was more like 3/5 times/month.

We just started a family, have a son that's just over 4 months old, and since the night he was conceived, we've only done it twice, twice! Do the math, that's 2 times in over a year.
I've quit trying, I no longer know how to approach her/come on to her, I feel it's futile and I've told her so. Every time I do (and I mean EVERY time), she stops me and she feels bad b/c she feels like she's not doing what a wife should do, then I feel bad for making her feel bad.

At first she just asked me to be patient w/her, but after the 12th month of virtually no intimate relationship I pushed for us to go to a therapist. We went one session, the therapist was close to worthless, and we're in the process of finding another one. I'm trying to make it a priority, she keeps putting it off.
She has flat out told me that she has no desire whatsoever for sex, doesn't think about it, doesn't want it, nothing. 

The most frustrating thing about this for me is that I'm a really good husband, and I mean a really good husband. I cook which she hardly ever does (maybe twice/week), I clean more than her (she hasn't cleaned a toilet in 2 years), I make really good $, I help out w/our son a LOT more than any of the other young fathers I know, I try to be romantic w/her and I have had a LOT of patience through all this, and still none of it matters. I don't nag her for not helping w/virtually any of the housekeeping at all, and I don't complain about her leaving all her stuff everywhere and not picking up after herslef. She still has no interest in sex whatsoever. She enjoys it once we start kissing and stuff, but has no desire whatsoever beforehand to even let me try to get her into the mood w/a little physical arousal.

She keeps blaming it on stress from work/life/the new baby, etc. On good days I'm fine w/it, I'm patient and don't push the subject. On bad days it's all I can think about, I get resentful and can be short if I'm pushed. Days like that are tough b/c we've talked about this issue a lot and I know she doesn't want to be this way, but doesn't know how to change. 
The most frustrating thing about all this is that it all revolves around when she's interested in sex, and my desires/needs have no bearing on when we're intimate.

I know it's spiteful, but I'd really like to get her to the point where she really wants to do it, and then stop it just to prove a point. Like "see how you're feeling right now and how bad you want me, well you can't have me. Doesn't feel very gratifying does it, well that's how I've felt 5 days/week for the past year!"

The problem is that I'm so sex starved that every time (the whole 2 times during the last year) we do get to that point I don't have the will power to stop it.

Sorry for the rant, any advice would be appreciated. I love my wife very much, and I know she loves me. But considering we're very young in both our marriage and physicall, I keep worrying that if this is the way it is now, what's it going to be like when we're in our 40's/50's? I can't keep living like this.


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

Welcome to the club  You aren't alone. you can read more ofn these boards or ivillage has a mismatched libido board also.

A couple of things that come to mind to try besides the counseling your trying to do for both of you.

1) Sex-Starved Marriage book. Good for both of you to read.
2) Set aside time to pamper her with bath, massage, etc..
3) Couples porn if she likes it.

Unfortuanetly she controls the sex in the marriage being the low libido partner. Not much you can do. It doesn't sound like she has any problems with you and you are doing your fair share.


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## angus (Nov 13, 2008)

I am in the exact situation with my husband...only our little boy is now two. I can count on one hand the number of times we have been intimate since he was concieved. I wish I had an answer for ya, hey if anything works let me know. I'm at a loss as well!


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## frustratedhusband (Nov 13, 2008)

MrHappy said:


> Welcome to the club  You aren't alone. you can read more ofn these boards or ivillage has a mismatched libido board also.
> 
> A couple of things that come to mind to try besides the counseling your trying to do for both of you.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the advice. I picked up the book you recommended over lunch and read the first few pages. Thanks, I need to read it first, but I think this might help. 

I think we're sloooooowly going down the right track, just can't seem to make fixing our sexual issues a priority, but I do know that she doesn't like being like this either. I think we both have realistic expectations of what our sex life should be, twice a week or so. It's not like I'm expecting us to go back to 4-5 times/week like it was before. It'd be nice, but given all the extra responsibility we have in our life now, I think it would be unrealistic.

Anyway, thanks again, hope it helps.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First question I would ask is what changed when she moved in? Did you date before and now just the mundane? Really think and I will respond by this.

draconis


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## iian (Nov 9, 2008)

Where she doesn't go the arousal route I think making a sex schedule with her would be worth a try. I think she already knows how important sex is and how much it's bothering you. Now just try to set a date.

If you make a schedule, that also allows you to be physical with your wife without the added pressure that she may think you're trying to seduce her. Just sitting closely, cuddling, hugging, light kisses could also help you make it through until the scheduled day arrives.

I don't think your wife sees sex as a way to reward you for being a good husband, so those two ideas shouldn't be associated. She hasn't been doing it and has just let you built up frustration, that's the real problem. It kind of sounds like she is trying to be an understanding wife but when it comes to sex, something is in the way. It sounds like maybe there are other problems with her that are causing the sex problem and that's what needs to be looked at.

I know you haven't gone through every detail of yours and your wife's lives, but there might be a couple other areas that could be a problem. With you doing all the housework, cooking and spending some time with the kids what could possibly be so stressful about her life? You're doing a lot to make sure she doesn't get a lot of stress. Maybe she also needs a way to relieve stress though.

For women there are a lot of factors when it comes to sex whereas for men it's rather simple. Maybe she hates her job and she needs a career change.. Maybe she's bored and she needs to have more fun.. Maybe you two need some hobbies to enjoy together.. Maybe she needs to get out of the house with you more because of the responsibility of having a family.. I'm just stabbing in the dark but I think there are more things to consider. 

Even if she says she doesn't have a sex drive, I think she would still enjoy the emotional connection that comes from sex. So again, you might want to try to make a schedule for once a month or whatever's reasonable for her and you. And if she really understands how important sex is for you, I think she'd be willing to gradually increase the frequency as time goes by.


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## kris08 (Nov 16, 2008)

This is almost the exact story of my husband and myself, except I'm reading these boards to get a feeling for what he's going through. We've been together 5 years, the sex died after we had our first son. I don't know how to explain it in a way that would make sense. When you become a mom, all energy goes from being a couple and being the woman you want to be, to being a mom. It's hard to get turned on knowing you might get interrupted half way through, or when you can't even stand the sight of yourself in the mirror, I don't know what's there my husband would want to see, everything's not where it used to be.
I think the worst thing that he doesn't understand is that if I know he's doing things, or trying to be nice to get layed, although he loves me and his niceness is sincere, it's another thing on my to-do list, one more person that needs something from me. It would be great to get pampered or feel cherished, no strings attached. I wouldn't feel so defensive every time he brought flowers home or offered me a "massage." 
The sad thing is that I want to have a sex drive, I want to want it, but for some reason it's not there. I feel horrible he's not getting attention from me and guilt doesn't help when you're trying to be sexy. The only thing I've found that helps, which is probably totally unhealthy, is when I want to have sex with my husband and not force through the acts, I'll have a couple of drinks. I love my husband, I still think he's attractive, I just can't get my mind and body thinking the way I want it to without a little help.
I think the biggest thing that could help is make her feel cherished, no strings attached. And as far as only getting it when she feels like it, never on your terms, it's not a game for us, we can't help feeling the way we do, so don't take it personally, it's a horrible feeling to know you're not fulfilling the needs of the person you love.
Hope this helps someone!


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## kris08 (Nov 16, 2008)

Oh and about scheduling sex, I know a lot of people say it works, maybe for some it does, but to me you'd just be adding to my to-do list, the list of everything everyone else needs from me. Maybe wives should make a schedule of when there husbands need to say something nice...I guess I just am not feeling the scheduling thing.


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## Adventure Girl (Nov 16, 2008)

Remember, sex for women is (most of the time) an emotional connection. If she feels you aren't paying attention to her emotional needs (consoling her when she's upset, complimenting her, telling her you love her), she will have a loss of libido.


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

frustratedhusband: Good luck. Hope the book helps.

kris08: Glad to hear your viewpoint. I'll offer mine back as a high libido person in case it helps. Of course there can be many causes and layers of causes to have a lower libido. I think for this problem, mine, and similar men, we just feel neglected. Wives get busy with jobs, kids, life, etc and not with the husband. We go from a girlfriend who demands much time from us to a wife/mom who now doesn't and we have become way more reliant on that closeness than when we were a boyfriend.
Most of us are geared for physical comfort. Be it kissing, touching, or sex. Most husbands don't have sex for the actual "sex" part of it, but do it to be close to the one we love. There is a lot going on besides just the sex. It is the smell of our loved one, the feel of them, the happiness we give them and then lastly the love/physical contact we get returned. One of my pet peeves is my wife hates to be continously hugged (and sometimes felt up  ). Mainly I just miss the smell of her and the reasurance that she is mine and there. I know she is safe and I am there to protect her.
When you take aways the physical it is like cutting a phone cord. We will attempt to converse but when we receive nothing back we are lost and clueless what to do. We can give flowers, massages, etc but without the return comfort it is empty for us.

P.S. Reading this back for errors seems to only convey about a 10th of the depth of feelings I was thinking at the time.


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## kris08 (Nov 16, 2008)

"Most husbands don't have sex for the actual "sex" part of it, but do it to be close to the one we love. There is a lot going on besides just the sex. It is the smell of our loved one, the feel of them, the happiness we give them and then lastly the love/physical contact we get returned. One of my pet peeves is my wife hates to be continously hugged (and sometimes felt up ). Mainly I just miss the smell of her and the reasurance that she is mine and there. I know she is safe and I am there to protect her."

You've managed to put this in away I haven't heard anyone else say other than my husband...and at the time I thought he was full of crap  He always talks about being close, and I'm thinking, hug me, cuddle, we don't always have to go all the way...but that involves no return comfort for him...makes you think, thank you so much for explaining!


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## nae372 (Dec 1, 2008)

This is weird b/c I'm a 26 yr old woman on the opposite side to where my fiance won't have sex with me. 6 mths. into pregnancy the sex stopped for the most part. We went from having sex a couple times a day if not more, to two times a month if I'm lucky. I have what I would call a healthy sex drive at 26. I'm a mother of a 2 1/2 yr old and am a stay at home mom. I clean my butt off all the time( I'm borderline obsessive compulsive about my house being spotless) to be unapreciated, I am in school for nursing with a 3.5 GPA, that I've held through the entire time. Still I don't know what more I can do to make him want to have sex with me. 

I have talked with him till I'm blue in the face about not having sex and how not having intimacy hurts me.

I'm not as skinny as I used to be but I still have plenty of people who compliment me on how I look and how the same guys are attracted to me at a bigger size as they were when I was smaller. I'm saying this b/c I don't know if it's some issue he has and won't admit or what? 

I don't understand. I treat him with respect and do as much as I can for him and have pleaded with him that I need that emotional part of a relationship or I don't think we can get married b/c I can't live my life like I'm 80... He just tells me he's stressed and that 's why. It's not because of anyone else b/c he has no time. 

I haven't cheated on him and never would, but I'm getting to the point to where I feel as though I am falling out of love with him because he wants nothing to do with me. He was once the romantic guy that bought me flowers all the time, told me how much he loved me, you know, made me feel like I was #1, now I feel like scum on a shoe. 

What do I do when talking won't work? 

I'm sorry you are on the other side. It sucks from either place your coming from. I don't know if this will help you, maybe someone will see it and help us both- maybe if we're lucky!


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

nae372:
Sorry you have a similar problem. It is a tough thing.

Do you know what changed for him about the time you were pregnant or after? Job change? He said he is stressed so that might be the actual problem. One problem I have with my wife stemmed from a promotion and more responsibily at her job. I am passive-aggressive and after the job change it got on her nerves because she also had to deal with personel under her at work and then come home to me. I am trying to change that.

Unfortunately, you don't have many options. You can continue to try to talk to him, live with it (yea right ), or threaten to leave him and follow through if there is no change. Sometimes the threat is the only thing to get some to actually open their eyes that the problem is severe. I think my wife was a little stunned when I acknowledged I thought about divorce.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

kris08 said:


> Oh and about scheduling sex, I know a lot of people say it works, maybe for some it does, but to me you'd just be adding to my to-do list, the list of everything everyone else needs from me. Maybe wives should make a schedule of when there husbands need to say something nice...I guess I just am not feeling the scheduling thing.


:iagree:
Nothing would turn me off more than penciling in sex on my calendar.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

frustratedhusband said:


> ...
> The most frustrating thing about this for me is that I'm a really good husband, and I mean a really good husband.
> ...


And that's probably the problem. I read in a scientific article that women use sex as a bargaining tool. It's natural. So stop being perfect and you two can negotiate with sex. I'm not joking, by the way, and I'm not saying it'll always work, either!


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## Buda_Beast (Jul 15, 2009)

Although we are very young and fresh in our marriage, this is a problem we faced even before we got married. My wife and I have talked about this issue on multiple occasions and we came up with a few things that may be true for you too. 

1. My wife is on birth control and that means more estrogen flowing through her veins. this reduces her testosterone (which is responsible for arousal) so maybe its a natural effect of her aging and child rearing. if thats the case, maybe taking natural supplements/dieting or being more active physically (working out, jogging etc) might be beneficial... the latter offering you to to spend quality time together

2. Quality time... Doing things from what my wife has explained is not enough. instead the feeling of being loved by taking initiative to be near her is better. and not near her while watching a game, but near her to devote your full attention to her. and that has to be all the time, not just when you want the "goods". It has to be as sincere as you want her desire for sex to be.

3. Being intimate without being sexual... find ways of showing your desire, like being intimate without being sexual... conversations about the past, about how much you love her and what attracted you to her, your thought process... make her feel appreciated and wanted without being physical (sexually)

4. masterbating to her may make her feel sexy. try exploring that.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Might be a time for an "ultimatum"...

My wife knows how important a sexual connection with her is for me, and I'm lucky enough that even at times when she isn't "in the mood" she still obliges and we manage 2-4 times a week.

If it went even a couple weeks, let a lone nearly a year, I would have to have a SERIOUS talk with her about it as that is about as unacceptable for me as I'm sure things like me quitting my job and becoming a bum, me verbally abusing her, etc would be fore her.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I will echo the thoughts of a guys view on sex, well, at least mine. Many women think of men as simply sexual beings, while somewhat true, isn't the whole truth.

This is very crude, but it's about the best way to put it. Many women think men want to have sex so they can cum...

With me at least (and many many others) that is simply not true. While that obviously feels good, that's not that part of sex that I long for. I never feel more loved by my wife than after having sex. And very little makes me feel worse than being rejected over and over. 

While I can tell my wife loves me in other ways besides sex. When I have sex with my wife, there is a connection that I just don't feel with anything else. The comfort knowing she's mine, the satisfaction of giving her pleasure. The bond you feel from an act that you would not do with anyone else. 

And obviously any person knows that it won't happen every time, but after long periods of rejection after rejection, it will wear on you. Emotionally & psychologically. Again being crude... I don't need my wife to cum. But when rejected, you feel unloved, unmanly, unsure of yourself and just plain empty. You don't realize all that it can do. Many Women (and some men) think of it as "something on their To-Do List", but so many of the rest of us, it's an extremely important piece of the relationship puzzle. 

Think of it like this. What if your Husband (or wife) only said "I love you" twice a year??? or if he only helped around the house twice a year, or only listened to you talk about your feelings twice a year, or only spent 1 on 1 time with you twice a year??? How unloved would that make you feel? 

You can't tell me you would be happy if you asked him "Do you love me?" for 4 months and every time he responded "I just don't feel like answering that right now". If I wouldn't do things for my wife that she likes anytime I didn't really want to, like rub her back or take her out to dinner, or tell her I loved her.... we would have been divorced 2 months after we got married.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

GPR has it right, the book "The 5 Love Languages" spells this out. Those of us with "physical touch" as our main love language view sex as our spouse saying "I love you" to us. Thats obviously a simplistic summary of that part of the book down to 1 sentence, but thats about the meat of it.

We view sex, the closeness of sex, as the expression of love our spouse shows us.


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## Red (Sep 29, 2009)

MrHappy said:


> Glad to hear your viewpoint. I'll offer mine back as a high libido person in case it helps. Of course there can be many causes and layers of causes to have a lower libido. I think for this problem, mine, and similar men, we just feel neglected. Wives get busy with jobs, kids, life, etc and not with the husband. We go from a girlfriend who demands much time from us to a wife/mom who now doesn't and we have become way more reliant on that closeness than when we were a boyfriend.
> Most of us are geared for physical comfort. Be it kissing, touching, or sex. Most husbands don't have sex for the actual "sex" part of it, but do it to be close to the one we love. There is a lot going on besides just the sex. It is the smell of our loved one, the feel of them, the happiness we give them and then lastly the love/physical contact we get returned. One of my pet peeves is my wife hates to be continously hugged (and sometimes felt up  ). Mainly I just miss the smell of her and the reasurance that she is mine and there. I know she is safe and I am there to protect her.
> When you take aways the physical it is like cutting a phone cord. We will attempt to converse but when we receive nothing back we are lost and clueless what to do. We can give flowers, massages, etc but without the return comfort it is empty for us.



Very well put :iagree:

I shared this with my wife because we are going through the same thing right now at a very young age (I'm 29 and she is 27). After having our first child (now 3, daughter) plus she is finishing out her degree... things changed drastically. I'm a very patience husband but everyone has a limit. By no means will I ever fill my needs else where and she is aware of that but nothing seems to change on her side.

We also grew apart communication wise in that same time frame. However we finally set down and had a long over due talk and ironed out a lot of things that "WE" both needed to work on. We now take time once a week to go out together as a couple to eat, movie, shop, etc... After our talk I have forced myself back into the patience zone........ Please remind me that it is a virtue!!! :scratchhead:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You have BOTH - lost sight of something. Every marriage has a short list of CORE priorities. In rare marriages both people have very low drives. In those very rare marriages sex is not a core priority. In most marriages there is a high drive spouse and a low drive spouse. In ALL those marriages it is a core priority for both of you. 

Do you doubt for a moment whether sex is a very core issue for your wife? Ask her if it is ok for you both to agree that your marital sex life is over for now and that you will find a GF. You will not leave your wife, nor will you rub the GF in her face, you simply need physical love. By the way don't allow her to make a snippy comment like If thats what you want". Clearly that is NOT what you want. But she needs to be willing to give an honest answer to that question out of respect for you and for the marriage. She simply needs to say whether or not it is a CORE part of a marriage. No means that outside sex is ok and you need to be man enough to make sure she understands what that means to you if she says that. 

This is a CORE issue, for both of you. Like ANY core issue there needs to be a fair compromise. Here are your starting points:
- You want to 4-5/week which is 200+ times a year
- She wants to zero

Actual frequency basically zero. That is not a compromise. Not even close. 

We have had periods of time in my 20 year marriage my wife was not attracted to me despite my efforts at the time. This is sad and feels bad. Mercy sex is not great. But she always gave me mercy sex when I wanted it. Probably our worst year - 70-80 times. Why did she do that? Out of respect for my physical and emotional needs. Plain and simple. I have a physical need for sex and an emotional need for sex/love/respect. Yes I want to be desired, but I can tolerate a lack of desire if I my NEEDS are being respected. 

For us - in the black hole of sexual indifference I simply said "I will live with once every 5 days until we come out the other side of this." And my guess is we were both equally not happy with that but accepted it. 

If she doesn't respect you enough to have sex with you - misery will follow you all the days of your remaining life together however long you choose to be with someone else who doesn't respect you.

Someone else? Oh yeah. That would be her. She is the OTHER PERSON who doesn't respect you and your needs. You are the first person. You start this post with how you are both happy. YOU ARE NOT HAPPY - YOU DO NOT FEEL LOVED. You are a man. You couldn't feel loved. She isn't having sex with you. WE are not wired to feel love without some minimum amount of sex. You don't even have enough respect for yourself to simply acknowledge that you have a core need that is not only not being met, it is being totally blown off. And you are not happy about it. You don't respect your core needs as important. Why should she?

>>>>>>>>.
If you can convince her to show some respect for you then she will agree to a schedule of mercy sex - call it what it is. In parallel with having sex on a defined and regular basis you can work on the lack of desire. 

You might need to find a way to create some emotional space between you. Right as you moved in together the sex died. Guess what - you moved in - you were always there - you are no longer a challenge - you may have started crowding her emotionally without meaning to. 

I am very in love with my wife - but I give her as much space as she wants plus a teeny bit more. Crowding a woman with your needs / desire to be with her KILLS passion. Saying things like I would never leave you over xxx makes you weak/boring/predictabel and super unsexy. 

Your wife may not know how to tell you how to give her space. Maybe she is afraid that asking that, will cause you to think she means she wants you to leave. Hell no, she wants you to be "there" but right at the edge of being out of reach. 





frustratedhusband said:


> My wife and I have been together 6 years, 3 of them married, we're both in our early 30's and we just started a family. Overall I think we're both happy, but our sex life has been tanking since about 6 months before we got married, coincedentally right after she moved in.
> 
> Before that we were intimate every time she stayed over, about 4-5 times a week, and we both loved it and we both very much sexually satisfied each other. My wife was a very openly sexual person w/me, and we talked/watched porn and introduced toys, all of which were very mutually agreed upon.
> 
> ...


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## slipperypete (Oct 7, 2009)

Same boat as frustrated husband...Very similar story

Wife just doesn't seem to realize that a guy likes to go more often than once every two months. I try to talk my wife into giving me handjobs just to feel like I have some sexual connection with her. She will sometimes do this. I have mentioned to her that I sort of need one and she will say ok. Then never mention it again. I will sit there all night just hoping that she might initiate it or ask if I want to try but it will never happen. We are on opposite ends of the libido spectrum.

The sad thing for me is that I waited for marriage or at least until we were engaged before getting real active. Now I am married and get nothing. I really regret passing up opportunities when I was younger now

Does anybody not get oral sex? My wife just isn't into it. I have to beg to get it and she "sucks" at it. I only let her go for a minute. She is no good because she doesn't like it so I just stop her because I feel guilt of asking her to do it.


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

Something I'd like to mention, which might have been addressed in one of the replies here but I admit I didn't take the time to read them all is...

For me anyway.. it's really difficult, if not nearly impossible to switch gears mid-stride. What I mean is that my mind is constantly working; I'm thinking what I did during the day, what needs to be done before the end of the day, what is on the agenda for tomorrow, during the week, month, etc. What's for dinner tomorrow? Did I pay the cable bill? Did Jean said she'd meet me at 9 am on the 10th or at 10 am on the 9th? I gotta return that purse to the store before tomorrow or I will lose money on it. Oh shoot I forgot to buy Oreo's for Jimmy's lunch. Did I sign those papers for Mom and Dad? (you get the drift) My mind is on half a bazillion things at any given time, then smack dab in the middle of my stride, husband decides *he* needs release and announces ... "Hey babe....ya wanna?".

Oh _SURE! _ Let me just put everything down here and take care of YOUR sexual needs, honey.

LOL!! Ok, so that was sarcastic, but I bet any money the women on this board can relate to that, at least to some degree.

So here's the thing. Us women - we need you guys to put a little effort into the romance thing once in awhile. Romance leading to sex is an all day affair, I'm sorry to say. Sure, a 'quickie' is good and OK every now and then, but if you want us women to have you on our brains in a sexual nature, then you're going to have to plant the seeds in our busy little minds. Oh, and take on some of our freakin' stress.





That's my 2 cents, 
Blaze


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I have seen marriages fall apart due to lack of sex so be careful. Don't just drift into being friends, keep the lover part going. I could say a lot more but I will say you need to do it even if you don't want to. Sex begets more sex, which begets better sex, which begets great sex, which begets a happy marriage. For the low libido person, they need to focus on the closeness and enjoy the touching, don't we all need that?


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## crazyanimal (Oct 10, 2009)

I agree with Blaze... my mind moves a mile a minute as well. It always seems the woman is always the one worrying about this or thinking about this or that and the last thing on our minds is sex. 

Most often, women need to be turned on mentally and emotionally first. We need some romance... we need to feel special and loved by our spouse. We need time to get our heads out of the life game and into the sex game. Women are like burners, it takes time to heat up and time to cool down... while a man is like a light switch, on and off in split seconds.

The only part about making a woman feel special and loved means doing it even when you don't want sex. If you only do it for sex, we soon learn that is the only time you want to show us attention and we will soon hate having sex with you because we feel resentful that you can't show it outside of the bedroom.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CA,
Read his post again. He is doing all the stuff a good husband does including he has been patient. You freeze out a guy like this eventually he begins to hate being rejected, and then to lose his love for his wife. 

This whole - I am distracted therefore I am not into sex sounds like you married a guy you just aren't that into. 





crazyanimal said:


> I agree with Blaze... my mind moves a mile a minute as well. It always seems the woman is always the one worrying about this or thinking about this or that and the last thing on our minds is sex.
> 
> Most often, women need to be turned on mentally and emotionally first. We need some romance... we need to feel special and loved by our spouse. We need time to get our heads out of the life game and into the sex game. Women are like burners, it takes time to heat up and time to cool down... while a man is like a light switch, on and off in split seconds.
> 
> The only part about making a woman feel special and loved means doing it even when you don't want sex. If you only do it for sex, we soon learn that is the only time you want to show us attention and we will soon hate having sex with you because we feel resentful that you can't show it outside of the bedroom.


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## quattrokev (Jan 25, 2010)

frustratedhusband said:


> My wife and I have been together 6 years, 3 of them married, we're both in our early 30's and we just started a family. Overall I think we're both happy, but our sex life has been tanking since about 6 months before we got married, coincedentally right after she moved in.
> 
> Before that we were intimate every time she stayed over, about 4-5 times a week, and we both loved it and we both very much sexually satisfied each other. My wife was a very openly sexual person w/me, and we talked/watched porn and introduced toys, all of which were very mutually agreed upon.
> 
> ...


this is a great post. I am facing a huge issue for me in my marriage and feel the same as many of you. My wife is stunning inside and out and dispite faults on both sides i love her to death. the prob is she has no sex drive dispite still being in her 30s. She turns me on and i cant do anything about it! She is also an RMT and touches people all day - having nothing left for me especially when it comes to having to touch someone else. She is up at 6am to do chores and routine prior to the day and spends the whole time thinking about everything in our lives except me and our couple needs including downtime and intimacy. IT is too complicated for this post but i am anxious for a solution. I really really liked the post regarding how men view intimacy as much more than the physical and rather as appreciation when we do excellent work in our marriage. Wow that is excellent.


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## BlueFire (May 21, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> CA,
> Read his post again. He is doing all the stuff a good husband does including he has been patient. You freeze out a guy like this eventually he begins to hate being rejected, and then to lose his love for his wife.
> 
> This whole - I am distracted therefore I am not into sex sounds like you married a guy you just aren't that into.


Exactly, good response. It's a carrot on a stick. If a husband in this position attends to her current problem, the excuse will turn into something else he's not doing, or something else that is "stressing" her.




slipperypete said:


> The sad thing for me is that I waited for marriage or at least until we were engaged before getting real active. Now I am married and get nothing. I really regret passing up opportunities when I was younger now


And that's my dilemma as well. I passed up a heck of a lot of opportunities when I was younger, both sexual in nature and also opportunities in life that would've progressed my career and so on.

So when I got married I started feeling my life was hijacked. Not necessarily due to her, but due to missed opportunities and all of a sudden being married and not able to be as spontaneous as before.

Married life is great though, and I really love my wife. She is definitely the perfect one for me. The only issue is the libido problem. She'd come up with an excuse such as needing more housework done, so I'd do that, and then it turned into "stress at work". And I said to her that's not the issue, there will always be some excuse that is not the real reason.

Once I get her fired up a bit, she really enjoys sex and she'll be beaming for the rest of the day. But I am sick of being the one to initiate it. What guy wants a wife that doesn't seem to desire them? There's no lust or desire, the wife just soaks up all the attention and gets her needs met, and I'm left unfulfilled. She won't try and arouse me or offer oral sex out of the blue, wheras I have no problem doing that for her and she enjoys it. She's all take and no give. But that's only after I initiate it. Other than that, there's no give OR take. lol

Now she's mid-way through pregnancy. We had sex a few times earlier on, but now she says she's sorry she can't because she's pregnant - the physical logistics of intercourse when she's pregnant doesn't work for her (she's never said she's lost her libido due to being pregnant). Ok that's fine, but she never offers a handjob/blowjob, even though she sympathizes with my situation. She won't even get herself off or let me get her off, whereas she'd get herself off quite often before we were married. If I was in her position and I was unable to have actual intercourse, I'd still want to please her. The last time we actually had sex was maybe 5 months ago.

So anyway, I have a good female friend I've known for years that is in exactly the same position I'm in. She loves sex for sex (not sex only to feel "emotionally close" or whatever), but her husband never puts out. So we're two sex-starved people that have always been attracted to each other. We had sex again recently after many years. What contributed to that was the factors in my marriage, along with what I was talking about earlier: regrets and missed opportunities at experiencing life.

Although technically it's cheating, I love my wife very much and will never leave her. Me and this other woman simply had to fulfill a pent-up physical need. I said to my friend that it's nice to actually feel desired, and she sighed an understanding sigh which comes from her own situation. I understand that it's wrong, but everyone does something for a reason. That's the thing. If something isn't fulfulled, the partner that isn't getting any may eventually get that need fulfilled elsewhere. I for one can't handle it anymore watching my prime years pass me by without taking advantage of the opportunities I get.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

BlueFire said:


> Me and this other woman simply had to fulfill a pent-up physical need. I said to my friend that it's nice to actually feel desired, and she sighed an understanding sigh which comes from her own situation. I understand that it's wrong, but everyone does something for a reason. That's the thing. If something isn't fulfulled, the partner that isn't getting any may eventually get that need fulfilled elsewhere. I for one can't handle it anymore watching my prime years pass me by without taking advantage of the opportunities I get.


First I want to say I absoutely LOVED the post by GPR, this sums up how men experience LOVE from their wives and just how devestating it is when this is not given -the rejection. How vitally important this is in Marraige can NOT be underestimated here. A great book touching on this subject with depth is Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (9780393334272): David Schnarch: Books. My own eyes were so opened when I read the 1st couple chapters of this 
book a couple years ago. Many many women should get a handle on this. If they choose not too & keep pushing how busy they are or just not feeling up to it -knowing their husbands are desiring more, they should not at all be surprised when the above situation happens. 

My husband has the Patience of Job, although he did not 
cheat on me years ago when we were having sex just once a week (he would have preferred 4-5 times), ya know I feel I was da** lucky. I really didnt know HOW he was feeling because he kept things inside/not much of a talker , but because I didnt come on to him (much), or he had to ask for a handjob, he often felt rejected by me/ hurting emotionally, he longed for more connection. He is guilty for not talking to me about it, but I was stupid for not realizing how I was hurting him.  Frankly, I do not know how he did it. I find myself on the other side of this now -with a higher drive than him (I feel I wasted many years being too busy, other things on my mind, taking my husband for granted). Thankfully he always comes through for my needs and happily at that. I have a renewed appreciation for having a spouse who genuinely cares deeply about my pleasure. 

I can not express how much of a difference -me getting my eyes opened, physically showing desire for my husband -and often -has done for our Connection/bond, our inner happiness with each other. Now we want to spend so much time together, we are always looking to get rid of the kids. Kinda like we are still on our Honeymoon -going on 2 straight years (after being married 20). 

So true what Chuckf75 says also. I have seen marriages fall apart due to lack of sex so be careful. Don't just drift into being friends, keep the lover part going. I could say a lot more but I will say you need to do it even if you don't want to. *Sex begets more sex, which begets better sex, which begets great sex, which begets a happy marriage. *For the low libido person, they need to focus on the closeness and enjoy the touching, don't we all need that? I will give a hearty AMEN.


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## BlueFire (May 21, 2010)

Good post SimplyAmorous, thanks for that. I might look into that book.


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## R.Myers (Sep 1, 2010)

wow, it feel like I Posted This one.

U Would Think They understand But They dont know the importance!


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

My sex drive went into overdrive in each of my pregnancies. Then while I was nursing and caring for toddlers, it really slowed down. 

But your wife seems to have slowed down even before the baby came along.

I suggest counseling! There are issues that people or couples have, between themselves or their own past experience or their own behavior patterns, that lead them to be uncomfortable with their own bodies or to punish the partner.

Does your wife ever masturbate? If not, why not, and what is her problem there? If yes, then why won't she do it with you? See what I mean?

I also think if someone withholds sex, they are being passive agressive - they are angry, maybe unconsciously, at their partner. Why would she be angry? Or, maybe she is a closet lesbian? Or, does she, like my best friend, take a medication or is a pain pill addict that lessens her sex drive?


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi 

I am new to the group. I would like to share somethings. I can also recommend several books on low libido. Let me know what you think? see responses below yours

My wife and I have been together 6 years, 3 of them married, we're both in our early 30's and we just started a family. Overall I think we're both happy, but our sex life has been tanking since about 6 months before we got married, coincedentally right after she moved in.

Judith: I dont know if you know this or not but women in their 30s libido is usually biologically high then starts coming down considerably. 

After she moved in, it pretty much went from 4-5 times/week to about once/twice a month, and that was w/me pushing it a lot. I wrote it off that we were both under a lot of stress at the time, we were both forced to start new jobs, and we also had the stress of planning our own wedding. But even after we got married 1-2 times a month was pretty much the status quo. Things didn't pick up until we decided to start a family, then it was more like 3/5 times/month.

Jduith: Did you date still once a week without sex? That is vital for a woman. Since in sex she relates emotionally and relationally-

We just started a family, have a son that's just over 4 months old, and since the night he was conceived, we've only done it twice, twice! Do the math, that's 2 times in over a year.
I've quit trying, I no longer know how to approach her/come on to her, I feel it's futile and I've told her so. Every time I do (and I mean EVERY time), she stops me and she feels bad b/c she feels like she's not doing what a wife should do, then I feel bad for making her feel bad.

Judith: I dont know how to say this but dont let your negative feelings get the best of you. In the book I rather eat Choc than have sex-or something like that. The wife felt teh same way she didn't want it or didnt have the desire for it and couldnt' understand why it wasnt there. In her case-it was mostly emotional. Her husband gave up from asking her anymore. So he moved to separate room that painded her. She and he had a discussion on what could bring them back together sexually-she was also too tired and dind't have the time. 
They decided that they would talk about what she could do in sex on her terms for while-But he would still initiate and so on. For while she was able to work through her emotions about sex and was able to start seeing what benefit it gave her to want it-then after awhile they talk again and decided on doing somethings that -could contribute to it being more than on her terms. In time it came back to where it needed to be. 

At first she just asked me to be patient w/her, but after the 12th month of virtually no intimate relationship I pushed for us to go to a therapist. We went one session, the therapist was close to worthless, and we're in the process of finding another one. I'm trying to make it a priority, she keeps putting it off.
She has flat out told me that she has no desire whatsoever for sex, doesn't think about it, doesn't want it, nothing.

Judith: It might help her if you both would read a book together on low libido-I know of several. Her being in no desire--for women to help them think about it -can wear sexy clothing. or put it on the calendar to make a time for it. then the "desire" will start to come back. 

She enjoys it once we start kissing and stuff, but has no desire whatsoever beforehand to even let me try to get her into the mood w/a little physical arousal.

Judith: For women they need to give themselves permission to want it sometimes. IF that hasnt happen sometimes it wont happen. Or if her mind is full of things-sometimes it can be hard for her to be in the mood. have you tried nonsexual massage first and then sexual. that would help her to relax. She needs relax to enjoy the feelings -

She keeps blaming it on stress from work/life/the new baby, etc. On good days I'm fine w/it, I'm patient and don't push the subject. On bad days it's all I can think about, I get resentful and can be short if I'm pushed. Days like that are tough b/c we've talked about this issue a lot and I know she doesn't want to be this way, but doesn't know how to change.

Judith: It is hard to change when the hormones and mind dont let you want it. 

The most frustrating thing about all this is that it all revolves around when she's interested in sex, and my desires/needs have no bearing on when we're intimate.

Judith: Usually women half to most-want will want it even if they dont want it at first. 

The problem is that I'm so sex starved that every time (the whole 2 times during the last year) we do get to that point I don't have the will power to stop it.

Judith: I know you want it with your wife-how about on your own. I know that is not .... ?

Sorry for the rant, any advice would be appreciated. I love my wife very much, and I know she loves me. But considering we're very young in both our marriage and physicall, I keep worrying that if this is the way it is now, what's it going to be like when we're in our 40's/50's? I can't keep living like this.

Judith: talking it out before and after the fact can help tremendously figure out what is contributing to her not wanting it. If talking is hard for both of you-then writing it would be good. it sounds like besides physical-there is some emotional and mental stuff going on. That can hinder a woman. 

What do you think?

Judith


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## Make_it_a_priority (Sep 28, 2010)

My wife and I dated for 5 years before getting engaged, and for most of those years we had an active sex life. Prior to the engagement I noticed that our relationship was becoming less intimate and less frequent. I thought she was "punishing" me for waiting so long to pop the question. 

Well, nothing changed when I popped the question... nothing changed when we moved in together... nothing changed when we exchanged our vows. Nothing changed when we bought our house...

When my wife made excuses to avoid intimacy on our honeymoon (in Paris), the feelings of rejection I had been internalizing gave way to frustration. More months of rejection turned my frustration into anger. When months became years, my anger gave way to indifference. Don't wait that long...

I told my wife that I couldn’t be in a relationship that's void of intimacy. I pleaded my case with tears in my eyes. “You know that I’m hurting,” I told her. “Why am I not a priority?” I asked her. 

She swore that she loved me; she just didn’t “feel it” anymore. We were 30 years old. 

She agreed to go to counseling with me. I wish I could tell you that it worked, but it didn’t. One thing I learned is that her mother and father slept in separate rooms for most of her life. They endured a marriage void of intimacy. I learned that my wife viewed sex as a “transaction” when she was in college; a way to keep a guy interested. It was enlightening, but that’s about it. In fact, I felt even worse after the counseling because I felt like a jerk for hounding my wife for something that she couldn’t give me.

We tread water for a few more years having infrequent relations along the way (once or twice a year). I wanted to start a family and both of my parents were dying, so I became angry again. I confessed to my wife that I resented her decision to ignore the situation, and I told her that I was angry that my parents would never have grandchildren. She heard me...

We procreated (twice). Now we’re both 41 and not much has changed in the bedroom. We’re happy together and have two wonderful kids, but I long for intimacy (I wish she did too). I don’t know what’s worse, being rejected or having no libido. 

Over the years we've tried counseling, rubbing testosterone on my wife's thighs (doctor’s order), reading books, romantic getaways, scheduling intimacy, massages, etc... 

None of them worked.

The only time we ever have sex (which is quarterly) is if there’s a special occasion and she’s had a few drinks. Many years ago she told the counselor that alcohol relaxes her. Needless to say, the liquor cabinet is fully stocked. 

I wish I had better news, but I don’t. I guess I felt a little better when I realized that it wasn’t my fault, but I sure miss sharing those moments with my wife (sober). 

Boehringer-Ingelheim was close to introducing flibanserin (“female Viagra”), but it failed to meet efficacy endpoints with the FDA. If it’s any consolation, MANY couples are struggling with the same issue. While our kids are battling peanut allergies, we're searching for our libidos. 

I wish you (both) the best…


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi Make it priority

I am sorry your hurting. But she could work on it and change her mindset if she wants to. She is taught that her parents marriage was normal. She may have emotional issues that she is have a hard time with letting go of. She doesn't realize how important it is even for the children. 

What is her reasons for not wanting it more often than is? other than what you have said. I realize her past is a big contributer but that shouldn't stop her from working on stuff to get where she can have it more than quarterly. She may not realize that it is for her to. She may not realize as a woman she needs to think it and so on in order to want to do it. Women usually dont want realize what they need to learn about their own bodies. 

Have you thought about just asking her if nonsexual touch first is okay at nite and then move into sexual touch? do this every nite? Another father/husband I am talking to -is doig the same thing and it is very important. Just doing nonsexual touch for awhile? Give each other body massages. 

Do you have date nite once a week where you guys just talk and find commonality -woman needs to be romanced not just have romantic sex -nonsexually-help in the house. Do you call her during the day to talk to her etc? send love notes. 

Sounds like she has some fears too. Given her past

Woman have to make a decision to want sex even if she doesn't feel it she can do stuff to regain the feelings. The feelnigs come later not at the beginning. What books have you read

I wouldn't plead with her but I would ask her why she doesn't want it more often than once a month. or once every other weeek or so? now vs then? 

Women need to think about sex in order to want it.. 

There is a dietary supplement for her to take to eat with food that helps with her testosterone-it is not menosense but it is in that group-get it at a health food store. 

What do you think? 

Judith


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

i really wonder, when did sex lose its charms...


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## Thucydides (May 20, 2011)

I need to weigh in on this topic for two reasons. First, I can relate to this topic and simply need a forum to express what is going on in my marriage. Secondly, I would love to hear advice from people who are having similiar problems in their marriage.

I am 25 years old and have been married for two years. My wife just turned 23. As you can tell we are a very young couple. I met my wife in college and from the moment I first laid eyes on her I fell head over heals in love with her. She was simply the most beautiful woman I had every seen. However, I am extremely shy and it took me two years to build up the courage to ask her out on a date. Once we started dating I discovered that in addition to her beauty she was one of the most wonderful people I had ever met. She has an excellent sense of humor and is one of the most kind hearted and considerate people you could wish to meet. Once we started dating I knew that if I did not marry this girl I would probably regret it for the rest of my life. We dated for two years and have been married now for a little less than two years. I am every bit as in love with my wife as when we first started to date. She still takes my breath away when she walks into the room. 

The dillema that I am facing is that my wifes sex drive has dwindled to the point that she does not want to have sex ever. At the beginning of our relationship we were could not get enough of eachother both sexually and just spending time together. I think that I am a bit of an idealist and waited until I was truely in love to have sex. My wife is the only woman I have ever been with. Once we got married we decided that we wanted to be open to the possibility of having children. My wife stopped taking birth control once we got married. Slowly my wife went from being sexually open and desiring sexual intimacy with great frequency to avoiding sex at all costs. I began to worry that she found our sexual life uninteresting or was no longer attracted to me. I could not understand why this was because we were so close and traditionally had been very intimate both sexually and emotionally.

I have spent the last year or so blaming myself for the lack of imtimacy we have been experiencing. I began to imagine that I was an inexperienced lover and that my wife was bored with me. Also, I know that I am not the most romantic fellow. I express love by doing things for my wife. Every time she identifies an area she wishes I would improve in I take it to heart and commit myself to become the man she needs me to be. I cook for my wife, I plan romantic dates and trips, I clean the house and do her laundry without asking and I do everything I can think of to show her that I love her and want to make her the happiest woman alive. However, she does not respond by becoming more intimate. My sexual expectations are not unresonable. I do not want anything more than a consistent and healthy sex life. If we were to have sex once a week I would be completely content. I do not expect or demand so sort of extreme sex life. Honestly I just crave the intimacy and emotional closeness that comes from sex.

After many months of trying to create an atmosphere in my marriage which is conducive to a vibrant and healthy sex life I am beginning to lose hope. I have expressed to my wife that I am feeling rejected and hurt because she no longer desires to have sex. She has assured me repeatedly that she still loves me very much and is attracted to me, but for some unknown reason has lost all her sexual appetite. We still are very close and truely love spending time together. However, I feel helpless and alone in my relationship. I try to be understanding with my wife but I can not help but feeling sadness and at times frustration that borders on anger. My wife sees my sadness and is truely saddened by the fact that she does not feel any sexual appetite for me. I will continue to be the best husband I can be, but I long for imtimacy with my wife.

My wife loves expressing outward signs of affection. We cuddle and watch movies, we kiss and go on long walks hand in hand. My wife even wears sexual appealing pjs to bed. However, if anything this just adds to my frustration. My beautiful wife is within arms reach but she could be many hundreds of miles away because I am unable to arouse her. I can not help but feel hurt when my wife entices me (perhaps unintentionally) but will never engage with me in any sexual relations. I am heart broken and do not know what to do.

I have suggested counseling or seeing a doctor. I believe that the problem could be a hormonal inbalance that came about as a result of birth control. However, my wife has taken absolutely no steps to correct the problem. I do not want my wife to feel like I am blaming her for our lack of sexual imtimacy. I have been completely understanding and as compassionate as I am able to be. However, I can not help but feel like she should be more actively working towards finding a solution. I am willing to go to any doctor or counselor with her if there is even the slighest chance of finding a solution. However, I truely believe that she should be more proactive in trying to resolve this problem. Ever time she has identified a personal defect in me I have been gungho to resolve the problem and become a better husband. For instance I think that when we got married I had the tendency to drink a little excessiviely from time to time. This was probably because I was still a little bit of an immature college student at heart still. However, my wife thought that I should not be getting drunk with my buddies too often especially if it was detracting from our time together. After a little reflection I realized that my wife was right and that my priority was to make her happy. I stopped drinking entirely for six months and only recently have begun drinking again. Now I never drink more than two drinks because I want to be the responsible and caring husband my wife needs me to be. However, I am disheartened by the fact that my wife has not raised a finger to try to resolve our intimacy problems. Is it my responsibility to try to find a solution on my own? I think my wife would be more than willing to see a doctor or therapist, but is it my responsibility to make this happen? 

I do not know if this is a common problem in marriages. However, there must be a way to resolve this lack of intimacy. My wife does not seem to understand that sexual intimacy is an integral part of marriage. Although it is not the end all and be all of marriage, sex helps to make two people feel a deep emotional and physical connection. I think it is the most beautiful physical expression of love than we can take part in as human beings. I fully realize that a marriage can not be built on sex alone. In fact a good marriage is built on two people sacrificing there personal wants and desires for the betterment of their relationship. However, I truely believe that a marriage without sex is unhealthy and causes a great deal of hardship and a lack of intimacy. All I want is to be close to my wife and to be able to express my love in a sexual manner on occasion.

If any one has constructing advise please send it my way! I would never choose to be with another woman. I would rather be with my wife and never have sex again in my life than be with another woman. However, there has to be a way to bring the spark back into my relationship.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

kris08 said:


> This is almost the exact story of my husband and myself, except I'm reading these boards to get a feeling for what he's going through. We've been together 5 years, the sex died after we had our first son. I don't know how to explain it in a way that would make sense. Sorry to hear.
> 
> When you become a mom, all energy goes from being a couple and being the woman you want to be, to being a mom. It's hard to get turned on knowing you might get interrupted half way through, or when you can't even stand the sight of yourself in the mirror, I don't know what's there my husband would want to see, everything's not where it used to be.
> As a childfree woman, I strongly believe that being a mother has some disadvantages that nobody ever talks about. In our eyes, the "joy" of being a parent is just not worth the the lack of freedom or sex. It is the reason why my husband is getting a vasectomy when we have no children. I would NEVER want to lose my sex drive or my body to do the most thankless and stressful job in the world. If you had it do over again, would you have had that baby, knowing the struggles that would come along with it?
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is no excuse for willfully denying your partner basic needs. Just cause you're not personally hungry doesn't mean you stop feeding your kids. We all have other things to do and we all have stress. Anyone can dream up an excuse to be cruel to their spouse but none are justifiable reasons. If you're going to enjoy the fruits of marriage, then be a husband or a wife. This isn't a passive position and your job isn't over when you leave the church or after you give birth. No woman on earth would think it's ok for her husband to daily punch her in the face for years on end but there are tons of excuses to abuse a spouse by withholding sex or intimacy. I don't just magically feel like doing 90% of the things I have to do as husband but that doesn't mean I'm excused from doing them. If a woman wants a gay male buddy, there are plenty out there. If she wants financial support, she can play the lottery or throw herself into the path of a bus and sue the bus company. There are no legitimate American princesses. Sex is a normal and reasonable expectation of marriage and those unwilling or unable to participate need to stay out of the dating and marriage pool. For those who struggle with low libido and actively try to do something about it, I salute you and wish you the best. For those who can't be bothered to do anything other than passively watch their spouse suffer, a pox on them.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> There is no excuse for willfully denying your partner basic needs. Just cause you're not personally hungry doesn't mean you stop feeding your kids. We all have other things to do and we all have stress. Anyone can dream up an excuse to be cruel to their spouse but none are justifiable reasons. If you're going to enjoy the fruits of marriage, then be a husband or a wife. This isn't a passive position and your job isn't over when you leave the church or after you give birth. No woman on earth would think it's ok for her husband to daily punch her in the face for years on end but there are tons of excuses to abuse a spouse by withholding sex or intimacy. I don't just magically feel like doing 90% of the things I have to do as husband but that doesn't mean I'm excused from doing them. If a woman wants a gay male buddy, there are plenty out there. If she wants financial support, she can play the lottery or throw herself into the path of a bus and sue the bus company. There are no legitimate American princesses. Sex is a normal and reasonable expectation of marriage and those unwilling or unable to participate need to stay out of the dating and marriage pool. For those who struggle with low libido and actively try to do something about it, I salute you and wish you the best. For those who can't be bothered to do anything other than passively watch their spouse suffer, a pox on them.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::smthumbup::smthumbup:
Don't have children unless you're aware of what they can do to your marriage...I'm not talking about the positives.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Thucydides 

Advice - young married couple - wife has no sex drive 

see my responses below

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need to weigh in on this topic for two reasons. First, I can relate to this topic and simply need a forum to express what is going on in my marriage. Secondly, I would love to hear advice from people who are having similiar problems in their marriage.

Judith: Do you think she has experience sexual abuse? 

I am 25 years old and have been married for two years. My wife just turned 23. As you can tell we are a very young couple. I met my wife in college and from the moment I first laid eyes on her I fell head over heals in love with her. She was simply the most beautiful woman I had every seen. However, I am extremely shy and it took me two years to build up the courage to ask her out on a date. Once we started dating I discovered that in addition to her beauty she was one of the most wonderful people I had ever met. She has an excellent sense of humor and is one of the most kind hearted and considerate people you could wish to meet. Once we started dating I knew that if I did not marry this girl I would probably regret it for the rest of my life. We dated for two years and have been married now for a little less than two years. I am every bit as in love with my wife as when we first started to date. She still takes my breath away when she walks into the room. 

Judith: The key is to start doing nonsexual touch first daily. If I understand right -you are pregnant with child-if she is that can affect her view of her self with regards to pregnancy 
It is important to ask her about why sex has dropped off-She may be dealing with issues that have nothing to do with you. Even if sexual abuse didn't occur -her parents could have given her a negative view of sex and now that the honeymoon has worn off she is not seeig the important of sex in a marriage even for kids sake. 
You need to have a date nite without sex. 

Maybe try to ask her about doing it twice a week not in the same two days in a row. 
Sex Begins in the Kitchen meaning that to relate to her emotionally and mentally before sex is vital for woman. See if she will be open to massage nonsexually for while and let you move into sexual massages iwthout sex first. 
The key is to rebuild her desire for sex. 


The dillema that I am facing is that my wifes sex drive has dwindled to the point that she does not want to have sex ever. At the beginning of our relationship we were could not get enough of eachother both sexually and just spending time together. I think that I am a bit of an idealist and waited until I was truely in love to have sex. My wife is the only woman I have ever been with. Once we got married we decided that we wanted to be open to the possibility of having children. My wife stopped taking birth control once we got married. Slowly my wife went from being sexually open and desiring sexual intimacy with great frequency to avoiding sex at all costs. I began to worry that she found our sexual life uninteresting or was no longer attracted to me. I could not understand why this was because we were so close and traditionally had been very intimate both sexually and emotionally.

Judith: No there is emotional issues with sex going sexual abuse or not. Has she seen a doc yet regarding the physical part. You could have her try a supplemental from health food store that has to do with sex and it is called Sex Essentials. and it is strongly recommended. See above in recommendations that are vital to restart the sexual relationship. You need to do soemthing. It will take time but can come back. See what she understands about why you need sex with her and why she needs iit with you. Sometimes men and women dont understand the differences in why men need it more than women. and maybe vice versa. It can be redeemed but it takes on your part time effort to do 

Maybe figure out what she needs from you to do in order for it open her desire again. Sometimes women are turned on by men helping around the house. 

I have spent the last year or so blaming myself for the lack of imtimacy we have been experiencing. 

Judith: Dont blame all of it on you. Dont blame. That can get you into trouble. 

I began to imagine that I was an inexperienced lover and that my wife was bored with me. 

Judith: No more than likely she has issues about sex that has nothing to do with you. 

Also, I know that I am not the most romantic fellow. I express love by doing things for my wife. Every time she identifies an area she wishes I would improve in I take it to heart and commit myself to become the man she needs me to be. I cook for my wife, I plan romantic dates and trips, I clean the house and do her laundry without asking and I do everything I can think of to show her that I love her and want to make her the happiest woman alive. However, she does not respond by becoming more intimate. 

Judith: Your doing fine here. The key is to make sure you are not doing this to seek sex. She can smell that a mile a way. But keep doing it but check your motive -see above

My sexual expectations are not unresonable. I do not want anything more than a consistent and healthy sex life. If we were to have sex once a week I would be completely content. I do not expect or demand so sort of extreme sex life. Honestly I just crave the intimacy and emotional closeness that comes from sex.

Judith: Have you let her know that-some women dont understand that about men. and why men feel close to their wives in sex even makes sex the better day for them. etc. Let her know about your last sentence. 

After many months of trying to create an atmosphere in my marriage which is conducive to a vibrant and healthy sex life I am beginning to lose hope. I have expressed to my wife that I am feeling rejected and hurt because she no longer desires to have sex. She has assured me repeatedly that she still loves me very much and is attracted to me, but for some unknown reason has lost all her sexual appetite. 

Judith: IT is vital to help her return that by working with the things above. Instead of seeking sex for while. Need to find out from her what emotional issue abuse or not is contributing to her doing so. IF she is pregnant that can affect her drive as well as if the hormones were giving her a drive--she may need to find a way on her own with you to rebuild the drive without tthe pill

Soemtimes women dont know that by touching htemselves and massage to relax before any sexual touch can start the rebuilding process and the more it happens schedule wise like once a week-can help it start to rebuild

We still are very close and truely love spending time together. However, I feel helpless and alone in my relationship. I try to be understanding with my wife but I can not help but feeling sadness and at times frustration that borders on anger.

JUdith: Some of that is normal for you due to not havine sex regularly like you were. Some of that is natural part of a hubby have lack of sex due to the closeness it was bringing. Your not alone alot of men deal with this

My wife sees my sadness and is truely saddened by the fact that she does not feel any sexual appetite for me. I will continue to be the best husband I can be, but I long for imtimacy with my wife.

Judith: Ask her about what I mentiona bove and ask her about what she would like for you to start with first

My wife loves expressing outward signs of affection. We cuddle and watch movies, we kiss and go on long walks hand in hand. My wife even wears sexual appealing pjs to bed. However, if anything this just adds to my frustration. My beautiful wife is within arms reach but she could be many hundreds of miles away because I am unable to arouse her. I can not help but feel hurt when my wife entices me (perhaps unintentionally) but will never engage with me in any sexual relations. I am heart broken and do not know what to do.

Judith; Are you doing any nonsexual touch. DO you think sleeping naked together can help her get comfortable with your body again. 

I have suggested counseling or seeing a doctor. I believe that the problem could be a hormonal inbalance that came about as a result of birth control. 

Judith: Agreed. But she can use an over the counter dietary supplement that can help with whatever sexual physcial thing that is going on like I mention above. You can look the name on the internet

However, my wife has taken absolutely no steps to correct the problem. I do not want my wife to feel like I am blaming her for our lack of sexual imtimacy. I have been completely understanding and as compassionate as I am able to be. However, I can not help but feel like she should be more actively working towards finding a solution. 

Judith: See above

I am willing to go to any doctor or counselor with her if there is even the slighest chance of finding a solution. However, I truely believe that she should be more proactive in trying to resolve this problem. Ever time she has identified a personal defect in me I have been gungho to resolve the problem and become a better husband. For instance I think that when we got married I had the tendency to drink a little excessiviely from time to time. This was probably because I was still a little bit of an immature college student at heart still. However, my wife thought that I should not be getting drunk with my buddies too often especially if it was detracting from our time together. After a little reflection I realized that my wife was right and that my priority was to make her happy. I stopped drinking entirely for six months and only recently have begun drinking again.

Judith: Stop drinking and start with the above stuff. 

Now I never drink more than two drinks because I want to be the responsible and caring husband my wife needs me to be. However, I am disheartened by the fact that my wife has not raised a finger to try to resolve our intimacy problems. Is it my responsibility to try to find a solution on my own?

Judith: Yes and no. 

I think my wife would be more than willing to see a doctor or therapist, but is it my responsibility to make this happen? 

Judith: Ask her if she would be willing to talk to someone like me who is a "friend" that can help her understand things as well as see why it is important to you and help her to share things with you that she may be hesitant to say. I am doing so with my other friends etc. I would first ask her if she is open to a therapist-she maybe afraid to say anything in person

I do not know if this is a common problem in marriages. 

Judith: Yes in some cases more so due to emotional trauma as a child

However, there must be a way to resolve this lack of intimacy. My wife does not seem to understand that sexual intimacy is an integral part of marriage. 

Judith: That is where education in books etc come in for her. Because alot of women even those who haven't experience any trauma would do good to read books on the subject. 

Although it is not the end all and be all of marriage, sex helps to make two people feel a deep emotional and physical connection. 

Judith; IT is the glue that holds the marriage together and helps the children understand healthy sexuality etc. 

I think it is the most beautiful physical expression of love than we can take part in as human beings. I fully realize that a marriage can not be built on sex alone. In fact a good marriage is built on two people sacrificing there personal wants and desires for the betterment of their relationship. However, I truely believe that a marriage without sex is unhealthy and causes a great deal of hardship and a lack of intimacy. All I want is to be close to my wife and to be able to express my love in a sexual manner on occasion.

Judith: Agreed. I have seen it benefit children when it is handled this way. 

If any one has constructing advise please send it my way! I would never choose to be with another woman. I would rather be with my wife and never have sex again in my life than be with another woman. However, there has to be a way to bring the spark back into my relationship. 

Judith: start with date night like you did before you married. 

Feel free to email me. 

Judith


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Thucydides said:


> I express love by doing things for my wife. Every time she identifies an area she wishes I would improve in I take it to heart and commit myself to become the man she needs me to be. I cook for my wife, I plan romantic dates and trips, I clean the house and do her laundry without asking and I do everything I can think of to show her that I love her and want to make her the happiest woman alive. However, she does not respond by becoming more intimate.


This. You may not be expressing love in the language that your wife needs it expressed in. Read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

As well, you are acting like a doormat to her. Doormats are not sexually attractive to women. Go over to the Men's Clubhouse and read the sticky thread on Manning Up/Nice Guy and the thread on the thermostat.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

frustratedhusband said:


> My wife and I have been together 6 years, 3 of them married, we're both in our early 30's and we just started a family. Overall I think we're both happy, but our sex life has been tanking since about 6 months before we got married, coincedentally right after she moved in.
> 
> Before that we were intimate every time she stayed over, about 4-5 times a week, and we both loved it and we both very much sexually satisfied each other. My wife was a very openly sexual person w/me, and we talked/watched porn and introduced toys, all of which were very mutually agreed upon.
> 
> ...


From 4-5 times a week before marriage to 1-2 times a month following the ceremony. I guess once the mouse is trapped there's no need to replace the cheese.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> This. You may not be expressing love in the language that your wife needs it expressed in. Read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
> 
> As well, you are acting like a doormat to her. Doormats are not sexually attractive to women. Go over to the Men's Clubhouse and read the sticky thread on Manning Up/Nice Guy and the thread on the thermostat.


Why does being nice make someone a doormat?? My husband is romantic, helpful and passionate. I have the utmost respect for him.


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## miserableinlove_35 (May 21, 2011)

The bad thing is that we who have the higher sex drive are made to feel bad for wanting it. The other person makes it out to be something that is easy to set aside like not doing the dishes after dinner, or that we are just being selfish for even thinking about wanting it. I've tried to tell my spouse that I feel like a troll because she doesn't seem to want me, nooo apparently its not about me. I feel like you do, let her work up that desire and than cold shoulder her just so she knows how it feels, but when the time comes I can't seem to say no. Lots of porn off by myself seems to at least help for the minute. lol


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Why does being nice make someone a doormat?? My husband is romantic, helpful and passionate. I have the utmost respect for him.


I always think the term "nice" guy is a bit of a misnomer, even though I used it here. I think someone mentioned once that "wimpy" or someone who is a total pushover would be a better term.

I agree with you. I consider my DH to be "nice" in that he is a considerate person to me, but he isn't wimpy or a pushover. He doesn't put me on a pedestal. To me, it seems that the OP and his wife have a big disconnect. I think he's doing too much for her (and she's doing too little.)


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

While I'm n00bish here, let me toss in my $.02 as a husband who has turned his married sex life around.

My wife and I are a young married couple, two year anniversary in September. I'm 29, she's almost 23. After we got married, sex fell to once every 4-6 weeks. I became resentful, yet "the talk" always ended the same: "Oh Davelli, I enjoy sex, but I'm just not that interested in it." This increased my resentment. I'm a good husband. I help around the house, listen to my wife vent, non-sexual touch, give her love in her love languages, etc. I despaired that maybe my wife really does have a low libido.

I started lurking on these boards back in Nov 2010. After poring over Mem's and BigBadWolf's posts, I realized that I had given my wife control of our sexual relationship and become passive aggressive in the process. I had given up all boundaries and lost my way as a man. I then realized what I had to do: I had to take back ownership of this problem. It was at this point I had an epiphany: _To get the sex life that I want from my wife, it is my responsibility to pursue and seduce her._ 

_Disclaimer: I'm not saying that my wife has no responsbility or culpability, nor am I saying that a wife doesn't have a responsibility to meet her mans' needs. I'm not saying that "it's all the man's fault". I made many other changes to myself and my approach to our marriage, but the single most effective factor in getting the sex I want is my decision to pursue and seduce my wife._

By pursue and seduce, I don't mean candlelit dinners, romantic getaways, or date nights. Those things are certainly wonderful tools to use, but the real key is passion and sexual desire. Romance by itself won't get you anywhere, but lacing romance with passion and sexual desire creates a wonderful situation such that my wife wants sex just as much as I do. A woman's most powerful sex organ is her mind, and the key to seduction is getting into her mind and creating that sexual desire for you.

Of course, my wife has a responsibility in all this: She has to want to be pursued and seduced by me. If this were not so, then my efforts would be for nothing. If your wife doesn't want to be seduced by you, then you guys need to get to the bottom of that problem. Counseling will probably be in order so that she may explore her feelings. Bare in mind, however, that my wife clearly stated to me on several occasions that sex wasn't very high on her list of priorities. By "turning up the thermostat" as Mem would say, I have proven my wife to be quite the liar 

Since making these changes, plus many others that would all require their own post, our sex life has made a complete 180. From 1x a month (or less) to 2-3x a week. My wife is far more sexually giving now, and she's far more willing to explore her sexuality with me (her being sexually inhibited was another big problem). Also, the quality of sex itself has risen dramatically. 

I'm not saying that what I'm doing would work for all of these frustrated newlywed men, but it's certainly worked for me.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Davelli0331 said:


> While I'm n00bish here, let me toss in my $.02 as a husband who has turned his married sex life around.
> 
> My wife and I are a young married couple, two year anniversary in September. I'm 29, she's almost 23. After we got married, sex fell to once every 4-6 weeks. I became resentful, yet "the talk" always ended the same: "Oh Davelli, I enjoy sex, but I'm just not that interested in it." This increased my resentment. I'm a good husband. I help around the house, listen to my wife vent, non-sexual touch, give her love in her love languages, etc. I despaired that maybe my wife really does have a low libido.
> 
> ...


Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a WINNER! Exactly - this is exactly what needs to happen!! I often see how men complain about how when the wedding ring went on, the sex went out the window and I want to ask - but did you continue to pursue your wife AFTER you got married like you did before? I think a lot of people think the marriage is the end of the pursuit whereas it is only the BEGINNING! I wish you and your wife a happy, joyful marriage!

(You should continue to contribute to the board with your experiences!!)


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

hey all, first time poster after having a read tonight.
im 28 and got married a year ago. ill give a quick sotry of mine which is similar if not worse than others.

had 4 girlfriends from age 17 to 21.
average sex about 2 times a week, once a day with one of them.

got with girl that is now my wife and when living at seperate house use to have sex about once a week. after moving in it went down to about once every 10 days. then she feel pregant (planned) since then (3 years) id say we have only had sex 10 times and 4 of them only lasted 10 minutes as it was hurting her.
her sex drive is gonnneee. Last time i had sex was 7 months ago and she does feel bad but is at the point where she laughs with her friends about it which ****s me. I dont think the friends know exact figures however and just assume its like a once a month thing. I have tried a few suggestions off people eg. masturbating in bed next to her, kissing/cuddling/aggressive/submissive/dirty talk but nothing. Im a fit bloke who still gets offers from other women who dont know im married.

Other than sex we are very happy although she is getting lazy around the house.

My next step this week is another idea someone toldd me and that was to suggest watching porn together, willl elt you know how that goes.


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## GregQuincy07 (May 25, 2011)

You have spelled out a similar scenario to what I'm facing currently with my wife of 2 years. Our sex life went down hill after we started living together, and she stopped putting forth as much effort into making sure that we were still intimate with each other on a steady basis. Do you know what her answer was when I asked her about it. She said "this is what happens....people stop doing it as much". 

Let me tell you something.....I do the things for my wife that you mentioned, like cooking, helping with kids, making good money, helping clean, etc. But I quit helping her with HER part of the responsibilities around the house. She would be angry at you if you didn't pay the mortgage but once or twice per year, because that's your responsibility....well part of being a wife is making sure your husband is satisfied (and vise versa)...anything else is simply a double-standard. 

I have already told my wife that things will need to change, or I will not live like this. I think some women play a sick game with men, and don't reveal their true self until after a ring is placed on a finger.....I think that's the case with my wife at least....and usually that's a path that will either lead to infidelity and/or divorce.

Good luck...but my advice would be to quit putting forth so much effort into it, and just try to let it go a little....sometimes less effort will get you better results, because doing what you're doing now isn't getting you anywhere....but still treat her with respect, but don't be a doormat.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

I definitely think that the schedule is a good idea. One question. When you express you sexual needs do her emotional needs also become a topic of active, open discussion. For men, respect and sex are the goals. For women, often, sex is somewhere in the middle of their goals. 

feeling loved and secure opens up her need for sexual intimacy, which in the end is a mean to an end for more emotional connection and security.

On top of everything else that you are doing, invest in her emotional needs, make her feel beautiful (especially after having kids) and invest heavily for as long as it takes.

Wives are not vending machines, they are garden that needs love, attention, caring for, protection from insecurity and constant support. Come harvest time she will reap a benefit for you 1000 fold for the time and effort you have invested in her.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Just when you think you have it bad, you find someone else has it worse.

My SEX life didn't hit the skids until about 3+ years ago - this AFTER being married for 20+ years at that time.

I would have had a fit if my sex life went to hell in a handbasket in my 20's or 30's.

I'm having a hard time with the change in it at 50 - I can't imagine going through this at a younger age.

I feel for you - my only suggestion - stay and work it out or stay and be miserable in hopes that it will work out - or leave.

Especially at your age...I would have made a different decision had it been young in my marriage and SEX became a problem then - as it is - 26+ years later and other factors involved - I can work it out and be patient.

But if I was you - at this young age (and you are still relatively very young) - if she wouldn't meet me halfway - I'd leave.

I've never understood women who behave like rabbits during the dating stage and like nuns after marriage. Don't think I ever will.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

"I cook". "I help with the kids". "I take out the trash". "I make a lot of money". These are all great things that a wonderful husband and father does. But when you do them with the expectation of getting sex, you are creating a covert contract that in effect is bartering for sex. And that's just about the most un-sexy and un-seductive thing you could ever possibly do. And yes, your wife picks up on it.

Helping around the house, making money, and raising children are things that a man does because he's a good man. Doing these things takes them off of your wife's mind. In effect, you are clearing the path to the bedroom. What these things do not do is fill your wife with an unquenchable desire to screw your brains out. The skill set needed to do that is called seduction, and it's a completely different skill set than helping with domestic affairs.

Sooner or later, you have to realize that your wife signing the marriage license was not a free pass to her panties. In a perfect world, sure, and some women do have the "anytime he wants it" attitude. Your wife is probably not one of them. Mine isn't. However, as I've said before, the key to turning your sex life around is to be constantly seducing your wife.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Just when you think you have it bad, you find someone else has it worse.
> 
> My SEX life didn't hit the skids until about 3+ years ago - this AFTER being married for 20+ years at that time.
> 
> ...


Fish on a stringer probably can't understand why the fisherman isn't still passing them out any more worms and crickets, either. Let's look at the evidence....dating mode: lots of sex. Cohabitation mode: less frequent Kids: zilch and lazy in other responsibilities, to boot. The more the trap tightened, the less cheese she needed to put out. This isn't confusing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No is the new Yes.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I have been reading this with great interest.

With my ex we had a very active sex life, and he was a jerk. But I think this whole "nice guys don't get anything" theory is flawed in this case. When my ex turned nice (after I left him) I didn't want sex with him not because he was nice now, but because I could not get past what a jerk he was. I was physically repulsed, and it was time to end our relationship. I was done mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

My hubby now. Well we used to be great together, but things have slowed because of my medical condition, at first it was physically impossible and I was in so much pain, that obviously nothing could be done (when the pain was mild the sex helped!). Now mind you I was on medical leave because I couldn't walk, so he understood where I was coming from. Now that I am pulling myself together we are still not having sex.
I'm on a lot of medication, and still have some pain issues. He is getting frustrated. But my biggest problem is that I need to know when we kiss etc that there are no expectations. I may not tell him I had a hard day at work and was in a lot of pain because I don't want to worry him, he is worried plenty already- I have MS. So when he starts something and gets rejected and feels bad, instead of kissing me etc and letting me get into it or not- without the rejection.

Now you have tried everything, but something we are going to try is 2 weeks of making sure we have a make out session DAILY, no matter how tired we are- go back to that "when we fist met"- no sex just kissing. 
I spoke with a therapist who made this suggestion, stating that we will eventually have sex, and once we start having it we will have to continue, no matter what- to get us "connected" again.
I hope that makes sense?
Don't give up yet.

I was always a pretty "normal" sexually active person and this is hurting me too, maybe it's hurting her also because she doesn't know how to make herself enjoy you. I will report back on the kissing/making out routine!


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## chc0501 (Jul 28, 2011)

Davelli0331 said:


> "I cook". "I help with the kids". "I take out the trash". "I make a lot of money". These are all great things that a wonderful husband and father does.
> 
> Too everyone:
> This would be helpful if we were living in the 60s. Today it takes both Husband and Wife working to raise a family or own a home. A really good Husband does more then make a lot of money!
> ...


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## peanutcrowd (Aug 1, 2011)

With all due respect to the men in the forum (even the ones who speak so awfully about their wives...)...

The statistics are coming out in recent months that 30-40% of women experience female sexual dysfunction. (Google it - CNN, MSN, womenshealth.com, webmd.com, etc.) Mostly, they keep quiet about it out of shame or embarrassment. It hurts relationships. It hurts families. It hurts marriages.

Unfortunately, because FDS doesn't get a whole lot of press -- usually due to people brushing it off as women not "being in the mood" or because someone just got married -- no one really understands it well. That goes for men or women.

If I were to give a piece of advice to the OP, it would be this: 

Love her for her flaws; love her despite her flaws. Help to correct them and do not blame. Chances are, she's well aware of the problems in your sex life and feels helpless to do much about them. It's not just about laying there and spreading one's legs so that one's partner can log their sperm quota for the day. If you have no libido -- honestly have no libido -- it's just another chore when you'd rather sleep or read or ...whatever.

Encourage and keep encouraging her to see a doctor. It could be horomonal. It could be psychological. It could be emotional. You could find out somewhere in there that it's not anything you have or have not done, but that she, herself, feels lacking and less than attractive. (On that vein, I knew a woman who started getting her nails done every two weeks, and it did wonders for her sex life. Little things matter to women.) When the real problem presents itself, you can fix it.

You have a great sex drive - that's obvious from the shear length of this thread - but gentlemen, you need also to have the patience, willingness, and love for your girl to help her fix herself.

As a woman who suffers from FDS herself -- and I do mean to use the word 'suffer' in such a manner that it could be connected to 'torture' -- I hope even the most vulgar of forum authors here will take a moment to consider that marriage is not just about sex. It is about love -- or it very well should be. Love your partner enough to find and eliminate the true problem.

Good luck.


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## OldSchool (Nov 3, 2011)

I don't know, I'm tired of having to be sensitive to everyone's needs, at home, at work, just about everywhere it seems these days. Yet it seems no one is sensitive to mine. Especially at home, makes me wonder I work as hard as I do other than the strong sense of responsibility and duty that has been instilled in me during my upbringing.

Still, I find myself thinking more and more of just leaving my wife alone and finding an under sexed wife somewhere, they are out there and not that difficult to find. It bothers me that I think this but I have desires and they either need to be fulfilled or I need to find another outlet. Hard to do when you work 50-60 hours a week and when you're at home you have many other things to work on around the house.

There are days when I feel like a chump. Maybe I am. I have tried, we've tried talking, we've tried reading books, there is no real interest in my wife to have sex, she doesn't think about it. She is very self-deprecating, something she wasn't when we were dating, also something that is a turn off to my, I like to be around confident people and having a life partner who is always in doubt about herself is like having a severe limp in one leg.

Of course she also feels bad she can't satisfy me, not that hard to do, it's really simple, hell it's much easier to satisfy a guy than it is to satisfy a woman.

Here's some comments in bold to your individual points:




peanutcrowd said:


> With all due respect to the men in the forum (even the ones who speak so awfully about their wives...)...
> 
> The statistics are coming out in recent months that 30-40% of women experience female sexual dysfunction. (Google it - CNN, MSN, womenshealth.com, webmd.com, etc.) Mostly, they keep quiet about it out of shame or embarrassment. It hurts relationships. It hurts families. It hurts marriages.
> *They need to uphold their end of the bargain. Don't enjoy sex? No problem, learn to fake it, it doesn't have to be a fantastic performance. Failure to do so will hurt the marriage as the husband starts to become resentful towards the wife and ultimately anything she spends time on instead of him.*
> ...


At the end of the day, if you feel your wife is unable to satisfy your needs then you need to try and work it out, but realize that in the end it's not your fault you have these needs anymore than it's her fault that she is unable to fulfill them. However refusal to work on the issue is just like refusal to work out any other marital problem and should be addressed accordingly. 

In the end you may end up going with an affair or a healthy porn addiction to keep the marriage together, or you may just end in divorce. Some may try marriage counselors, religious counseling, consulting with doctors etc, some may decide it's a final straw that breaks the camel's back. Particularly in relationships where the wife doesn't come close to pulling her weight in other areas. But if you turn to the porn to keep yourself sane then your wife should learn to accept it, you need what you need. If she can't put out, then she can't put out. 

My advice to any man considering affairs or divorce: PROTECT your assets. If you are thinking about divorce now, start protecting your assets now. If you are going to cheat, or are already cheating, start protecting your assets now. 

Obviously I've given all of this some thought, but then that's the kind of guy I am, I think about every potential scenario as much as I am able, including ones that are not feasible on the surface. It's good to know what your options are, actually it's very important. The more options you have, the more calm you can be. When you feel you're backed into a corner you're more likely to make rash decisions like rushing into divorce or even just saying something that makes the matter worse.


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