# Heartbreaking story - may be long.



## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

First post here. Really didn't know where else to turn at this point. I write a lot but a journal doesn't speak back any words of encouragement or of disapproval. It just stares back with a look that seems to say, "what now?" And I never know the answer.

I'll make this the short version in the hope that someone will make it through! Really looking for an ear or ears and welcome discussion. I don't get a lot of that lately as you'll see 

I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and we have three Children, oldest of whom is 7. During the first years of our marriage we seemed generally happy, but probably each had issues that we avoided dealing with. We were really young when we married, so as a result I suppose that we dealt with many things immaturely which just left our unresolved issues or our growing up issues to fester.

I pretty much spent a good 5 years checked out as a husband. I felt really disconnected from my wife, who I'd hoped would be passionate and just wasn't. In turn, she felt neglected. We both ended up frustrated for years - each feeling misunderstood and wronged. I REALLY can see that I dropped the ball big time during those years, including those in which we were having kids. She cried out for attention, and I didn't give it to her. I found other interests, some of which were not harmful and some of which were (alcohol). 

She ended up snapping. Had a mental breakdown. I cared for her well for a little while (best that I could), and then just went back to my usual routine of living selfishly. 

As for me - I just felt like my marriage wasn't at all what I'd hoped it would be and I also became resentful. Sometimes I'd use my pain to justify my bad behavior. Sometimes it worked. But I could never really escape that something was deeply wrong, and I hated myself and where my marriage had ended up. So I got desperate.

I joined the Army. I'm in good shape, but I'm no Spring Chicken! It was a radical choice and obviously worried everyone I knew. My reasons were many, but among the chief ones were that I needed to do something drastically different if I was going to see drastic improvements in myself and my marriage. I imagined some level of job security, and the opportunity to see different places and different countries (as a family). Of course I talked to my wife about it. At first, she encouraged me to look into it if it was something that I thought would really make me happy. She got really nervous when I finally decided to do it, but said that she'd thought about it and decided that she would marry me again at that moment if I was already in the Army. So it wasn't a well thought out move, but at least there was some kind of agreement.

I left for the Army. I didn't even make it six months before I was discharged for medical reasons, but that's another story. What happened while I was away is that I snapped out of my fog. I missed my wife and kids so much that it was brutal for me every day to think about them alone. I longed to just hold all of them for even a minute. I changed. Really changed. It was an epiphany scenario. I felt like I had everything taken away from me, and then sifted through it all. The only things that remained as ultimately important were clearly my wife and my children.

About three months in, I got a letter from my wife saying that she didn't want to be with me any more. It kind of came as a shock to me. Maybe it shouldn't have, but there had never, ever been any talk of divorce. We'd always said that we'd stay together and work through things "no matter what." I was devastated. Chance afforded me the ability to come home. Some letters crossed here and there while I waited to leave. I pretty much begged her not to do anything drastic, but communication was beyond rudimentary.

When I got home, it was painfully clear that she was not well. There's a book I could tell about the details of that, but the basis is that after I left, she let herself embrace the anger and disappointment she'd been feeling for me for years. She decided she'd be better alone, and went about trying to figure out how to do that. Part of that included an affair. The first time she'd ever done anything unfaithful that I'm aware of.

I figured it out eventually. Once it finally came out in the open, she chose to stop contact, and I chose to forgive her. It was rough on me - still is, but I'm getting through it. 

So now, 6 months later, we're still trying but it's painfully obvious that whatever broke (her words) inside of her before I left is still not healed. She is trying in that she's still with me. But she's not excited about me. Loves me, but isn't in love with me. And I guess those are the consequences of my actions that I'll have to live with.

The heartbreaking part is that I'm in love with her. Never would ignore her again. More than anything I want to take care of her and love her and live happily ever after. Pretty much what she always wanted and for years had to live without. Now that I finally got my head out of my @ss, she doesn't know if she wants it, or ever will.

I don't think this is really a story about an affair, or her wanting a different relationship. I think it's about going through hard times, not ever seeming to be on the same page at the same time, and a difference of level of commitment. She doesn't seem to value the promises we made 10 years ago as still valid or worth fighting for. 

I'm afraid every day that she'll say she's done. I try so hard to love her and give her the space and freedom she says she still needs, but at the same time, I'm heartbroken, depressed, and anxious, and the by-products of that are neediness, insecurity, and confusion. Not exactly attractive qualities.

I still want to work things out. She is currently claiming to try, but I honestly don't know how much she's got to give. It seems I'll have to make most of the sacrifices to give this a fighting chance. Most of the sacrifice will be trying my best to love someone really, really well while at the same time I know I'm not going to get offered the same in return.

I know there's a lot there to read - if you did, thank you! There's so much more to the story, but that would just be too much. Feel free to ask questions or make comments. I could really use some support.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

There comes a time when someone suffers so much pain in a relationship that eventually, they become numb to it all, to the point where they don't care anymore.

Unfortunately those that are inflicting the injury don't realize the damage they were doing until ... "IT'S TOO LATE"

The saving grace is that you're still together and like I said to the other person in another thread, At least all she wants for now is space.

To me that means that there may still be a sliver of hope (a spark) and it's up to you to re-ignite that spark. But you have one hell of a lot of work to do. Just like trying to light a fire in a wind, you're trying to light that fire in a blizzard.

You can only hope at this point. Be kind, show respect and continually show her that you care and love her ... AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. This will truly test your patience!

Just as you cannot rebuild a hurricane damaged home in a short period of time, you can't expect for your wife to suddenly have a change of heart.

Just like a hurricane damaged home, a lot of personal belongs are lost and can NEVER be replaced, your relationship has probably suffered the same fate.

I think you're finding out the meaning of: "What goes around, comes around"!


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> There comes a time when someone suffers so much pain in a relationship that eventually, they become numb to it all, to the point where they don't care anymore.
> 
> Unfortunately those that are inflicting the injury don't realize the damage they were doing until ... "IT'S TOO LATE"
> 
> ...


That's all pretty much right on the money I'd say, and I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.

You're right, there's a lot stacked against this working. I don't care. I'm all in until there's no sliver of hope left but I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. It's brutal. 

Sometimes I feel that if I could only receive just a little bit of affection, it would give me all the strength I needed to keep strong and do what I need to do right now to be patient and loving, no matter what is required and for how long. But sometimes it feels like I get nothing, and it makes it infinitely harder. It's ok. I mean - I don't feel like I should expect much. She has a lot of resentment I'm sure, and I know I can't heal that overnight.

I just wish there could be some hopeful moments here and there for me to feel happy at the same time.

It is what it is at this point. Just frieking sad, you know?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Been there done that and let me tell you there is a strong possiblity that she is seeing someone.
It sucks but when you treat them so wrong you except the fact that they diserve to go out and with that it gives them oppertunity, if you know what I mean.

I could be wrong but if the space you are speaking of means she is coming home late from her GNO then you may want to rethink your mind set in giving her her freedom b/c of your past behavior.

See the same happened to me and after awhile my wifes freedom and space was not helping the marriage and it was b/c the oppertunity that I speak of earlier was in fact happening. 

So its great you and me fixed our selves, but becarful those oppertunities can f~ck up a marriage that is already f~cked.

So my point is fredom and space are not the direction you want to go. time together and effection, support and just a good friendship is what you seek.

Again I'm warning you b/c it happened to me, and let me tell you my wifes freedom and space was great for me too..it let me continue my selfish ways that you speak of. Bottom line is giving your wife space will not help the dynamics of the marriage..... reconnecting, communication, romance and affection will.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

longshot said:


> That's all pretty much right on the money I'd say, and I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.
> 
> You're right, there's a lot stacked against this working. I don't care. I'm all in until there's no sliver of hope left but I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. It's brutal.
> 
> ...


There ARE tell tale signs and you have to look for it. For example: Listen to the way she talks to you. Just the tone in her voice and the manner in which she says things should give you a clue whether she cares about you at that moment or not.

Look at her demeanor. Is she being kind to you or is she treating you like you don't exist?

Don't expect hugs and kisses and an excited look when you come around. It ain't gonna happen ... at least not right now.

But like I said, there are tell tale signs that you can look for. If she talks to you and treats you in a positive way ... I would say that's something to get excited about.

ANYONE who has been in a relationship for any length of time CANNOT just turn off their feelings for the person they have invested a lot of time with. No matter how bad the situation gets.

There are and will be feelings there for you .... for a long, long time ... even if the two of you were to wind up separated or divorced.

Put it this way my friend ... until you see a new ring on her finger ... there's hope.


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> There ARE tell tale signs and you have to look for it. For example: Listen to the way she talks to you. Just the tone in her voice and the manner in which she says things should give you a clue whether she cares about you at that moment or not.
> 
> Look at her demeanor. Is she being kind to you or is she treating you like you don't exist?
> 
> ...


Thank you.

You're right in that I know there are feelings there. She tells me often that she loves me. But I know it doesn't mean the same thing as when I say it to her. So I suppose there is hope, but I'm not sure that it will lead to the kind of love I'm hoping for and have always wanted. Maybe my expectations are too high? Certainly for now I'd say.


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## Looking4Solution (Jun 14, 2011)

longshot said:


> That's all pretty much right on the money I'd say, and I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.
> 
> You're right, there's a lot stacked against this working. I don't care. I'm all in until there's no sliver of hope left but I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. It's brutal.
> 
> ...





longshot said:


> Thank you.
> 
> You're right in that I know there are feelings there. She tells me often that she loves me. But I know it doesn't mean the same thing as when I say it to her. So I suppose there is hope, but I'm not sure that it will lead to the kind of love I'm hoping for and have always wanted. Maybe my expectations are too high? Certainly for now I'd say.



I feel as though we have a lot in common after reading your story except I didn't run off to the army. I just moved out and during that time while she swears it was never a PA she does admit having an EA with an ex good friend of mine.

I also try to be loving and supportive but for how long? After weeks of trying with no real hopeful moments I feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm tired of giving and giving with no results. Don't get me wrong,we are civil and there isn't any fighting but this hasn't been what I want either. Her words are okay but her actions say a lot different.


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## howmuchcanamantake (Jul 19, 2011)

Once a wife was intimate with an other man she burned the bridges behind her. You can try all you want to erase what happened but resentment will show its ugly head when you least expect it.
Marriage is all about two people sharing their intimacies. Two is a couple, three is a crowd. Unless you yourself were unfaithful, you have every right to find a new bride. One who loves you only, not a neighbor as well or some guy at work.


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

Looking4Solution said:


> I feel as though we have a lot in common after reading your story except I didn't run off to the army. I just moved out and during that time while she swears it was never a PA she does admit having an EA with an ex good friend of mine.
> 
> I also try to be loving and supportive but for how long? After weeks of trying with no real hopeful moments I feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm tired of giving and giving with no results. Don't get me wrong,we are civil and there isn't any fighting but this hasn't been what I want either. Her words are okay but her actions say a lot different.


Sorry friend! I feel your pain. As for how long? I guess it depends on a few things. How much do you love her? Are you willing to be patient while she works things our in her own mind? What length of time would you imagine it would take to heal serious emotional issues like I'm sure are there?

I'd guess more than weeks, but I totally understand the panic feeling that happens when you see no progress. I'm in the same boat. I keep trying to remind myself that things of this nature take time.

Of course it's a gamble. She may never come around to being what you hope for. I guess that's the reality that I myself hate being true, but it is. So you have to kind of throw yourself out there and be willing to try even if it feels like sometimes she is not. Sucks tho. Wish I could buy you a beer and ***** about everything with you!!!


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

howmuchcanamantake said:


> Once a wife was intimate with an other man she burned the bridges behind her. You can try all you want to erase what happened but resentment will show its ugly head when you least expect it.
> Marriage is all about two people sharing their intimacies. Two is a couple, three is a crowd. Unless you yourself were unfaithful, you have every right to find a new bride. One who loves you only, not a neighbor as well or some guy at work.


I'm more of the mindset that everyone is capable of making mistakes and of acting selfishly. If a person is in an especially vulnerable place - double that capacity. Who hasn't done anything they regret? I have. I didn't do exactly what she did, but I've made plenty of mistakes. I want to love her as a person - one who is also human and capable of mistakes even. Resolution after an affair is possible. Probably not common, but possible, and that's what I'm banking on. I know my odds are stacked against me, but I don't give a s%$t. She stayed faithful for many years even though she needed more from me. I feel like it's only fair that she receive some of that back from me now.


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## MOJO (Jul 23, 2011)

Just wanted to say that while you still have that fire in your belly keep trying and all the very best luck to you. People make mistake and no-one is perfect. Give it a shot but don't spend the rest of your life trying to make things right. Give yourself a year, or however long you feel is right and if your not both happy - stay friends and let the one you love free.


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

MOJO said:


> Just wanted to say that while you still have that fire in your belly keep trying and all the very best luck to you. People make mistake and no-one is perfect. Give it a shot but don't spend the rest of your life trying to make things right. Give yourself a year, or however long you feel is right and if your not both happy - stay friends and let the one you love free.


Mojo - I'd say that's great advice. And thank you.


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