# 24 years old and doomed my marriage..



## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

I'm 24 years old, been with my husband for a little over 2 years, married 1. (went to high school together, so I know you're thinking we married too young/soon) He'll be 24 in a few months, so we're the same age. We have no kids, neither do we want any. That's never been an issue.

To set the premise for you: From day one we've had nothing but similar interestes, hobbies, wants, needs, outlooks and goals. Like any normal, human couple, we've had our minor disagreements but nothing out of the ordinary..We were perfect for each other. Had sex regularly, I won't be graphic, but put it to you this way; he was never left wanting for anything in any way AT ALL. I've never been the shy type..

Having said that.. Once while we were engaged I had found a bunch of porn on our shared computer, now given how our sex life (as far as I could see) was more than perfect, I couldn't understand why the need for this.. When I first brought this to his attention, he denied even looking at the porn and denied "doing" anything, if you know what I mean. Once I PULLED the truth out of him, told him that no matter how ugly or pretty, any truth is better than a lie, he told me it was because I was boring him in bed, that I just wasn't enough basically. After long talks and whatnot, he said he was just bored in general (at that moment in time) it had really nothing to do with me. So me being accepting of the male way, took it for what it was, told him it made me feel insecure and I didn't want it to happen again. That if that was something he was interested in then I would happily participate, just be open and honest. We moved on..

Then about 8 months into our married life, he did it again but tried to hide it and lied again. Once I got him to finally admit the truth to me again, he said he was just bored and looking for stimulation at that moment. Mind you, I was in the bed in the other room ready, willing and able for whatever he needed.. We talked it out, he opened up to me by telling me how porn has just always been a part of his life from a young age and he mostly just watches it for entertainment and sexual ideas to play out with me. I accepted that answer and just repeated to him how it made me feel, that I wanted to be included and that still, no matter how ugly or pretty, any truth is better than a lie. I asked him to please never lie or hide anything from me again. He swore on our marriage..

Over the past month or two he's been completely silent with me. Totally shut me out. I've been basically pulling teeth trying to get him to talk to me about his thoughts, his feelings, anything at all. After a few weeks of me begging for communication (something that was one of our biggest strong points) I finally became nasty. No longer patient, just wanting answers. So I would yell and fight with him. After about one week of that, in the middle of a fight I needed to step out, take a breather and he wouldn't let me leave. he blocked the doors, stood "guard" and screamed in my face that if I even stepped foot outside, I wasn't welcome back in. This irrational threat made me more furious. "So you won't talk to me but I can't step outside for a breather?? No sense.." He kept telling me to sit down and I wouldn't so he grabbed me by the wrists and threw me down onto the couch. I struggled to get out from under him, now only seeing red.. He held me down and just yelled in my face. Finally he let me go and I ran SO fast out that door.. Sat in a parking lot, cried and all that. I came home about 4 hours later to a silent home. He was angry at me for leaving, but what was I to do?? I told him his behavior was unacceptable and I needed answers. Took 2 more days but he finally says that he's changed. He agrees that what he has done (silence and rage) is abusive and he feels it can't be fixed. He tells me that he doesn't know what he wants, who he wants (no, there's nobody else). He says he's no longer attracted to me. I told him I felt it was because of all the fighting but he says no, he thinks I'm fat ("I don't like your belly.. you look pregnant.. I'd like to see you have a flatter belly.. ever thought of sit-ups?") and ugly ("you've been breaking out.. it's gross.."). I must say that as a realist I would accept this if I had changed at all during our relationship but I truely have not. I haven't gained a single pound, I still look, act and dress the exact SAME as on our first date. The only difference is that I've recently had a few minor breakouts on my face because of the hormonal change from having an IUD inserted. I swear to you, that's IT. 

I really don't know where to go from here.. I'm so young yet I feel ancient. I feel used and empty, I feel alone and insecure. I've always been confident and openminded to everything and everyone but this is a pill I just can't swallow. Could this just be a phase he's going through? I know it sounds corny, but we are the type of people who believe in true love, soulmates and don't subscribe to the typical media shallowness, if you know what I mean. We always kind of wrote our own ticket. But all I'm hearing from him is deciet and superficial BS. To see this sudden change in the one person I've ever felt comfortable with, trusted, vowed to grow old with.. It's killing me. I haven't slept, haven't eaten. I've been "not-sleeping" on the couch and he says he doesn't even miss me. On top of it all, last week our car was totaled in an accident in which I was driving. He seems to be completely unphased by even this.. Like it really doesn't matter. When I ask him about it, all he says is "I'm glad you're not hurt". All I hear from him is confusion, anger, disgust, even resentment. 

Please, please, someone help me get out of this hole...


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

"Get the hell out now."

He should NEVER have grabbed you and thrown you into the couch. He should not have yelled in your face. He should not be threatening you. He should not have lied about porn. He should NEVER have said such hurtful things (you're boring, you're ugly, you're gross). Porn should never be more interesting than real sex with his real wife.

He has a serious porn addiction, he is emotionally abusive, and he is becoming physically abusive. Get the hell out now, no more chances. 

It isn't you. You could be perfect and he would still be sick. He would still find you boring and ugly compared to fantasies and airbrushed bodies. This is his issue and he needs help- but you don't have to be there while he gets it. 

Get out before he makes you feel worse about yourself or before he physically hurts you.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Option A- Stay with a porn addicted moron who likes to rough up his wife and emotionally abuse her.

Option B- Leave, live your 20s, find a compatible loving partner


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

Complexity:

He's never been violent with me before.. I know how that sounds.. I've been in an abusive relationship in my early teens but I just never saw this coming.. I don't want to live with the stigma of divorce, nor would we even be able to afford it..


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

There are some problems but it's completely reversable.....

For starters you need to drill in your head that men are taught from an early age to be introverted with their feelings. We are conditioned not to show weakness and hide what's really going on out of fear that you'll lose respect. Every man has his own way of expressing himself and he may have wanted to tell you at some point but you wanted instant gratification and made the same mistake every woman makes, you b*tched and drove him further away. Now it's not the want for communication that was the problem but the tonality, timing, and temper that could have made a peaceful conversation seem like a personal attack.

I can not defend his aggressive actions but I can tell you what was going through his head and the bigger picture. For one thing, the honeymoon is over and you're now faced with real life problems. Now you can chicken out and go through a string of failed relationsips or you can try to understand him better and honor your marital vowes. Ok I have you so far... good. What's happening here is a clear and deffinate POWER STRUGGLE. You both have yet to work out who's in charge of what and what boundaries not to cross. And one of those on his part is physical abuse and hurtful words, but to you that means not confronting him a way that makes him feel inferior..... and honey, by telling him how hurt you are when he's not ready to accept that truth you're only making this worse.

A lot of women here will do there best to speak for men about porn but you can't truely understand. Porn for us is not about lusting after other women, hell at this point I'd say it was his go to device for stress relief. What I would be more worried about is if he was looking at any extremes like incest, kiddie porn, beastiality, or BDSM..... That's the sign of a true porn addict Now I'm seeing signs that he may have some anxiety/depression since for one, sex addiction is a symptom but not the cause. I would be worried more about his anger issues if he's botteling everything up and pushing you away. This sort of anger never goes without an implosive cycle of depression soon after.... and then finally he will feel remorse for what he did. He may not be perfect but he know what he did hurt you and will beat himself up for it later on.

My question to you is.... Can you be secure enough with yourself to let him watch porn once in a while and go back to having a happy marriage? Because it's asinine to think your husband will never have another sexual urge for another woman be it tv, video games, porn, or cartoon, or real woman The important thing you both have that deeper connection that makes the reprocussions of an affair too great to go for it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The thing with abuse is there always has to be a first time. So you have now experienced the first time. It will only get worse after this. The first time is never the worst. 

Divorce is not a stigma, not these days. What is a stigma is to stay in an abusive relationship and become a beaten down woman.

Why can't you afford a divorce. Do you work? Does he work? Why would a divorce cost the two of you much at all? How much community property have you accumulated in the last 2 years?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Jessy you've only been married one year and he's already acting out like this. I'm not pretending to know your husband more than you do but to be honest if this what I have to look forward for the for the rest my life, I'd take Kitty's advice and get the hell out now. If you actually go back and read your post and ask yourself "why" he decided to put his hands on you and you could come up with logical rational answer then by all means stay, if not, well listen to what he's actually telling you. He's breaking you down mentally and making you question your self esteem.

Besides, the stigma will never be on you, it would be on him.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

NSWEET:

Thanks for the reply. I love your perspective. 

Porn isn't my big issue here. It's the trust and deceit. I've watched porn with him. It made for some really HOT action. I definitely think it can be a healthy thing that can bring two people closer together. I mean, if you can't be who you truely are with your spouse then why be married, right? 

The only reason I'm feeling insecure now is because I haven't changed a BIT from day one but suddenly I'm not what he wants?? Weird.. 

I'm not perfect but I'm not a crazy nagging wife. Any conversation about porn, sex, life, whatever has always started calm, non aggressive, no attack. I actually just ask questions. I only want to know what makes him tick and I only want to get closer to him. 

I've even told him I'd go as far as giving him a threesome to keep him happy if that was what he wanted. I asked him "do you have any fantasies? fetishes? If so, I'd like to make it all happen for you" and he says no, that I'm all he wants and needs.. and then this.. it's misleading.. I've always done everything in my power to make him comfortable to be open with me with NO jugdement or anything.. 

I just don't see justification for all this. How can you just wake up one day (after only being with someone for 2 years) and decide you don't like them at all anymore??


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Would you guys listen to yourselves?!?!.... 
You're taking one side of the argument and persuading her to get a divorce like it's a piercing or something. A divorce hurts more than you will ever know and leaves scars foyears! I've seen women high five each other one moment and then come out of mediation crying their eyes out, because they know they could have done more that jump to divorce.

Maybe I'm just biased because I was like him at one point. I was aggressive with my wife and severely addicted to porn and video games to hide my suffering I didn't want her to see after leaving Navy for her. When she left, I got better and did everything I could to make amends but it was too late. She had given her heart to a POS player that lusted after her for years. I became the man she married and she still would't forgive me. I've lost 3 relatives since she left and divorce is still much more painful.

You people will never know the pain he is going through but I sure do! I have had the chance to talk with people like him and worse. He's no that bad belive me! Jessey, he is still a good man inside so do not give up on him.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

ELEGIRL:

No, we have basically NOTHING together. Yes, we both work. As for the abuse, I understand that people may say/do things irrationally when they're upset or pushed to their limits but I would never do this to him.. but then again everyone is different. It's just scary that I've had to lie to cover his butt in the past once..

We had a pretty heated arguement once right after we got married and he punched a wall. We ended up having to go the hospital because he had a boxers break or something like that. Being that we're so close with my family and see them all the time, I had to make up a lie that we were rearranging furniture and I dropped the couch on his hand. That was a huge eye opener for me but I figured, ehh everyone slips up, everyone deserves a chance or two.

The worst part of this all is that HE'S the one who wanted to rush the relationship along, it was HIS idea to move in so quickly, to get engaged, to get married. I even resisted him a little at first. Don't get me wrong, I was a full participant in all the makings of this marriage but all I can say at this point is that I've never ever let him down and still wouldn't.. Just feels like I got a bait and switch.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> ELEGIRL:
> 
> No, we have basically NOTHING together. Yes, we both work. As for the abuse, I understand that people may say/do things irrationally when they're upset or pushed to their limits but I would never do this to him.. but then again everyone is different. It's just scary that I've had to lie to cover his butt in the past once..
> 
> ...


So this was not the first time. The first time he punched the wall so hard that he broke his hand. The message when someone hits an object is that next time it could be you. The violent outburst is an attempt to impose physical control over you. So this time it escalated to physical violence against you with him grabbing you, pushing you, etc. So the level of violence is already escalating.

His putting you down is more of the abuse pattern. An abusive person will use more than one method.. the put downs to tear down your self-esteem and the threat of physical violence and actual violence to scare you into submission and to gain control o f you.

Of course this looks like bate and switch. That’s exactly what it is. There is a book out there “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why”. 

The book describes the bait and switch that goes on. That guys who are like this seem too good to be true when you are dating them. They will push to close the deal on the marriage very quickly. Then once married and feeling comfortable they switch and their controlling violent side comes out. You might want to read the book. You might very well see your relationship in it. You say that this is your second relationship with an abusive man. You could learn a lot that would help you avoid getting involved with another man like this.

You should really tell your parents the truth about when he hurt his hand. Telling lies to cover up for violence and abuse is part of the co-dependent type of behavior that is required to allow abuse to be nurtured and to grow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> ELEGIRL:
> 
> No, we have basically NOTHING together. Yes, we both work.


So if you have basically nothing together and you both work, why do you say that you cannot afford a divorce?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

OMG I've been tinkering with this concept for weeks now. I'm so happy I get to explain it here  But first he Q & A.

Jessey, what hobbies and interests did you have that you stopped doing once you got married? How has your sex life changed over the past year? Have you changed the way you used to take care of yourself like you did when you were dating?


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

ELEGIRL:

wow.. just your description of the book explains my situation. I'm definitely going to have to look that one up. 

Right now my husband is asleep.. The fact that he is able to eat, able to sleep, able to put all this aside in order to do those things freaks me out too. I feel as though maybe I love him more than he's ever loved me. He gives me the whole "I dunno what I want, I love you and care for you but I'm not in-love with you" thing.. How can this be?? We're still pretty much newlyweds!.. 

Unlike him, I do not hide anything so I don't intend to hide this webchat. I will leave it open on the computer for him to read himself.. I will not delete history or anything shady. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of woman and I can't ever "half-give" to someone. I vowed to give him all and all is what he will get.. until he gets nothing.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Would you guys listen to yourselves?!?!....
> You're taking one side of the argument and persuading her to get a divorce like it's a piercing or something. A divorce hurts more than you will ever know and leaves scars foyears! I've seen women high five each other one moment and then come out of mediation crying their eyes out, because they know they could have done more that jump to divorce.
> 
> Maybe I'm just biased because I was like him at one point. I was aggressive with my wife and severely addicted to porn and video games to hide my suffering I didn't want her to see after leaving Navy for her. When she left, I got better and did everything I could to make amends but it was too late. She had given her heart to a POS player that lusted after her for years. I became the man she married and she still would't forgive me. I've lost 3 relatives since she left and divorce is still much more painful.
> ...


I like you but I don't like this advice. Just because he is in pain doesn't mean he is allowed to yell at her, throw her around, hold her down, tell her she is ugly and boring in bed, etc. That is *his* problem and many women who try to take care of the "good man inside" wind up brutally beaten or dead. At the very least, he is seriously damaging her self esteem.

He is abusive, end of story. He can change but it isn't her job to do it and many men *don't* change. If she stays he will have no reason to change, and it sounds like he is progressively getting worse.

ETA: Ew, he told you "I love you but I'm not in love with you." That's very bad. He has checked out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> Would you guys listen to yourselves?!?!....
> You're taking one side of the argument and persuading her to get a divorce like it's a piercing or something. A divorce hurts more than you will ever know and leaves scars foyears! I've seen women high five each other one moment and then come out of mediation crying their eyes out, because they know they could have done more that jump to divorce.


Yes I know how divorce hurts. I’ve been divorced. I’ve been divorced from a man who was emotionally and physically abusive. Been there and done both.. been abused and been divorced. Let me assure you that the scares left by divorce are nothing compared to the scares left by the emotional and physical abuse.


Nsweet said:


> Maybe I'm just biased because I was like him at one point. I was aggressive with my wife and severely addicted to porn and video games to hide my suffering I didn't want her to see after leaving Navy for her. When she left, I got better and did everything I could to make amends but it was too late. She had given her heart to a POS player that lusted after her for years. I became the man she married and she still would't forgive me. I've lost 3 relatives since she left and divorce is still much more painful.


I’m glad to hear that you have done things to improve yourself. But I don’t think you have any clue of how much damage such behavior can cause a person. If you did you would understand why your wife cannot come back to you and why she cannot forgive you.
It is immoral and unethical to encourage a person to stay in an abusive relationship. The OP cannot fix her husband. Your advice to her was basically for her to behave herself so that he will not physically hurt her. Wow… bad advice. There is no excuse for what he has done to her… none what so ever. And it’s going to excalate.


Nsweet said:


> You people will never know the pain he is going through but I sure do! I have had the chance to talk with people like him and worse. He's no that bad belive me! Jessey, he is still a good man inside so do not give up on him.


If he will not share his pain, get counseling and work on it then there is nothing that she or anyone else can do for him. If the OP allows herself to be abused because of some supposed pain that he will not talk about, then she becomes co-dependent and her life is ruined. Your sympathy is misplaced on a man who prefers to abuse his wife over actually handling his own issues.

Good people do not emotionally and physically abuse others.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

NSWEET:

Hobbies and Interests: 
I still obtain and practice all my hobbies frequently. My patterns have not changed in any way in that catergory. My husband is incredibly talented artisticly. He no longer draws unless I push him to. He liked to play the guitar, couldn't tell you the last time he's touched it. It actually is covered in dust.. He just sits and plays video games. 

Sex Life:
Over the past year it's just become a chore. I've tried toys, we've watched porn together (that was great) sex games, coupons, love notes. You name it.. I'm the one who always initiates it, (every time) I'm the one who tries new things and wants to just bring us closer and explore more (if he's ok with that of course)

Self Care:
Everything I do, I do for me in that respect. I've always kept my hair healthy and beautiful. (I do hair so I'm my own advertisement) I always do my makeup, dress nice, wear lingerie (although with the lies and deciet that has stopped obviously) My eating habits are the same, my weight is the same, my hygeine is the same. I'm a "no-hair" type of woman so you better believe my business is ALWAYS in order. The only thing I could say is that my attitude has gotten rough around the edges due to the lies, fighting and stress..


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

KITTYKAT09:

Thanks for the defense btw..

Yea what the hell does that mean?? Even after all this I'm still madly inlove with him. Otherwise why would I be here?? I do understand this could be just "his problem" but I married him and vowed to support and stick by him. I intend to try and help him but not if this is gonna destroy me on the way down, you know? 

I'm wondering if he is having identity issues. He keeps saying he's changed, he doesn't know what he wants.. No offense to any males out there but they say that women come "into their own" way sooner than men. Maybe he committed to me before he really knew who he was as an individual..? Just a thought..


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Sorry, I didn't read her newer posts where the H got more physical. And EleGirl, there's much more too it that what I've already posted but let's not hijack here.

I'm still thinking on this one....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jessy,

You are conflicted in how to handle this. Individual counseling might be the best thing for you right now. I would suggest at a place that specializes in abusive relationships. Eventually you might be able to get your husband to go to counseling and even to anger management classes/sessions.

The one book that I suggested is definately a good read for you. Another that I would suggest is "The Dance of Anger".


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

NSWEET AND ELEGIRL: 

I completely see where you're both coming from and I appreciate both perspectives immensly. 

I'm not saying my husband is a bad man. He's a great provider and I love him more than I can bare to admit right now.. My standing question is: how can you help someone who only sabbotages themselves?? At what point do I come first? At what point does anyone care about me as a priority?


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

NSWEET:

I really feel for your story.. I'm sorry to hear that you ultimately lost your wife completely but I can't say that I blame her. I'm told this to my husband: Are you going to have to lose me in order to know what you had? Because I'm not the back and forth type of chick. It's all of nothing, I'm yours or I'm not. It takes a lot to push me to the point of no return, but once I'm there it's exactly that: the point of no return..


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I shouldn't be saying this but.... the thing that did it for me was being served divorce papers when she left. I realized the losing her was more important than anything I had going on and did anything and everything to change myself and win her back. It worked but she didn't love me the way she loved him. Her excuses changed every time but the real reason for the D was an EA. So I have to let he go competely and let her see what this jerk is going to be like once he has her.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

excuse my ignorance.. what is "EA" ?


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

I just want my husband to realize what he has in me.. the kind o woman it takes to stick by her man in the hardest of times. The easiest solution is always flight, but the fact that I'm willing to fight should mean something, shouldn't it????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> excuse my ignorance.. what is "EA" ?


EA = emotional affair


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

oooo thanks ELEGIRL hah sorry, as I've mentioned, I'm not up-to-date technially.. I even spell out every word in a text message. I have to say, just chatting with you guys for the past few hours has made me feel a little better. Still have no clue on what to do or where to go with this, but it definitely helps to hash it out with neutral parties, ya know?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

JessyRose said:


> NSWEET:
> 
> I really feel for your story.. I'm sorry to hear that you ultimately lost your wife completely but I can't say that I blame her. I'm told this to my husband: Are you going to have to lose me in order to know what you had? Because I'm not the back and forth type of chick. It's all of nothing, I'm yours or I'm not. It takes a lot to push me to the point of no return, but once I'm there it's exactly that: the point of no return..


It was more than that.... She was an emotional bully to me and my family when she was here. I can remember arguments started after she would pick fights when I didn't want to talk and tell me how I needed to do this and that until I cried. When we tried to talk she wouldn't listen and cheated on me instead of going to counselling that day. She didn't emotionally check out until I told her I wouldn't move in and pay half the food and rent for her and six other people. Nevermind that I still took care of her family when they needed food, she went to visit the OM and lied about working on the marriage.

You'll to excuse me but cheating and lying to your husband in order to live with the OM are NOT ACCEPTABLE! I tried to bring her to counselling a bunch of times and did more than I should have to make things up to her and her whole family. For God sakes she wouldn't even tell me this wasn't all my fault and tried to push me into suicide. NO you don't understand!


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

NSWEET:

Wow.. I'm so sorry to hear that.. You may have been wrong in your ways but it doesn't constitute cheating! You're right, cheating has no justice.. The fact that you tried to go to counseling was positive.. I've suggested testing, counseling (anything) and my husband says "that's 100% out of the question" so I really have nowhere to turn.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> I just want my husband to realize what he has in me.. the kind o woman it takes to stick by her man in the hardest of times. The easiest solution is always flight, but the fact that I'm willing to fight should mean something, shouldn't it????


Yes it should. But it's important that you also know when to let it go, when enough is enough, and to take care of yourself... protect yourself.

What you need to figure out is what you can actually do. The only person you can change is yourself. If your goal is to change him, to get him to not be abusive and violent, you cannot do that. Only he can. Remember that these things come from the very inner core of a person. He has to want to change himself. 

A major problem with abuse is that the abused puts enormous amounts of energy into trying to figure out what changes they can make in themself to get the desired change in their abuser. 

The truth of the situation is that you will never find that magic behavior that will ‘fix’ him and end the abuse. He will just find that new behavior unacceptable and use it against you as well.

I think if you read the books and get some counseling you will figure out when enough is enough for you. And if he's a smart man he will get help for his issues before you leave him.

Just be smart about this. Get an exit plan in place. Look up spousal abuse and exit plans. There is a lot of info on the web covering this. 

If he ever hurts you, be sure to call the police and have him charged. Getting other men involved in this, especially the police is one of the best ways to get him to pay attention to his anger and abuse problems. You need help from the community in this… help to keep you safe.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

What about keeping a journal so you can keep track of his abusive behaviors to show someone who can help, like a counselor or friend.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

ELEGIRL:

You seem to be very wise and very brave and strong. From what little you've told me about your experiences in this area I just want to give you the credit you deserve. For standing strong, for knowing your limits, for getting the proper help and information. 

I can only hope that there is still HOPE left for me and my husband.. I would love more than anything right now for this chat to really be an eye opener for him.. I feel it's all I have left.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Jessy,
It just hurts after changing so much and calming down that she won't admit that she's cheating (kissing many guys and lying) and blames everything on me. Now I forgave her for the EA, selling her rings and lying, and divorcing me in secrecy and letting me throw her a graduation party.... it's done and over, but the lies and constant empty promises are too much to forgive. What really kills me is how she didn't even care enough to lie and make me feel better when I was suicidal and going though with it. That was just cold blooded!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

At 24 I'm thinking that he is having troubling dealing with the growing stress of being a grown up with a job, a wife, responsibilities etc. and he lacks the emotional skills for managing the stress. That maybe be why he isn't the one initiating sex, and why he's acting so horrible when you guys fight.

He's getting overwhelmed and out of control and he doesn't have the skills to pull it together.

Now that is something counselling can help with. He can learn much better communication skills and how to work on conflict instead of fight. 

There are sometimes classes for married couples on improved communication and conflict management you might sign up for together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

NSWEET:

I can't even begin to imagine how you feel.. It's so messed up for her to treat you that way, you did her wrong, she did you wrong. It's a vicious circle you guys have had. Unfortunately it seems like you're just going to have to find the strength in yourself to change the things you dislike and accept the things you cannot

SHAGGY:

Thanks for the reply. Great insight..


My husband is reading this blog conversation now so I'm gonna go. Hopefully it makes a difference. Will keep you all posted..


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

Seems I've been posting more recent stuff on this thread: "NEWLYWED DOOMED FOR DIVORCE..?"\


Please continue to leave me feedback here or there. Thank you!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> ELEGIRL:
> 
> You seem to be very wise and very brave and strong. From what little you've told me about your experiences in this area I just want to give you the credit you deserve. For standing strong, for knowing your limits, for getting the proper help and information.
> 
> I can only hope that there is still HOPE left for me and my husband.. I would love more than anything right now for this chat to really be an eye opener for him.. I feel it's all I have left.


Jessy,

I just saw this post. There is of course still hope for you and your husband if the two of you will work together and each on yourself. People who want to improve seek out the help they need and make the needed changes.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

UPDATE:

Our upstairs neighbors are sexual deviants and their bed must be RIGHT ON a pipe or something because we can hear practically everything. Well, the other night they were really going at it for a while. Needless to say, husband and I haven't had sex in going on 3 weeks (keep in mind I'm only 24 and we used to do it like 4 times a week haha) Anyway, I'm laying there SO hot and bothered (and now jealous) Out of desperation, I wake my husband and beg him to make love to me. He pushes me off and says "no, i don't want sex with you" Now hurt and frustrated I ask what any woman would ask "do you want it with anyone else??" he replies "no, i don't even want it with myself" ?????? I go "aren't you horny?? Take emotions out of the equation and just think carnal lust. Don't you have the urge to get off?" To which he replies "Sure I'm horny, but I don't want to get off" whattttt?? Anyway, I went in the other room and "handled my business" which upset him because he doesn't think there should be masturbation in marriage (that's what we have each other for) so I tell him "throughout all this all i've ever been caring about is YOUR needs and wants. You haven't considered me in any way so now I'm considering me" He says "thats air" huffs and goes to sleep...??

I wonder if he's lying and if he's just "taking care of himself" whenever I'm not home (there goes the porn thing again) but I haven't found anything on the computer) but he could just be deleting again. Ehh, honestly I don't even think I care about that crap anymore.. I just want my husband back..

Yesterday I spent the whole day out with friends (came home around 9pm) and he was sitting on the couch still in his pjs and seemed in a very happy mood. I asked him what he did all day (said he just played video games and watched movies) I asked him if he missed me (he said a little and smiled) 

Maybe I need to just leave him alone and do my own thing so he'll miss me?? Seems he may feel like he lost himself in me and wants to reconnect with his identity?? 

Oh how I'd LOVE for that to be the answer!


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

JessyRose, if this was the story of a friend of yours, what would you advice her to do? You see sometimes we know what the right answer is for a friend who is going through difficult times in a relationship yet when it is us, we delude ourselves into thinking "it's different" when it really isn't.

You are an attractive young woman, what are you going to do if you meet a man who treats you the way you want your husband to treat you and you become hooked? You are a good candidate for having an affair you know. And before you say that you would never cheat on your husband let me tell you that an affair does not happen overnight. I was devoted to my ex-wife but after 3.5 years of living in a sexless marriage I was on the brink of having an affair yet managed to pull away art the last minute thanks to a moment of dumb luck that woke me up and opened my eyes that my marriage was nothing but a sham. As sad as it was to admit it, it was time for me to move on with my life and filed for divorce. Are you going to be as lucky as I was and not have an affair? Only time will tell but are you willing to take the risk?


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

chaos said:


> JessyRose, if this was the story of a friend of yours, what would you advice her to do? You see sometimes we know what the right answer is for a friend who is going through difficult times in a relationship yet when it is us, we delude ourselves into thinking "it's different" when it really isn't.
> 
> You are an attractive young woman, what are you going to do if you meet a man who treats you the way you want your husband to treat you and you become hooked? You are a good candidate for having an affair you know. And before you say that you would never cheat on your husband let me tell you that an affair does not happen overnight. I was devoted to my ex-wife but after 3.5 years of living in a sexless marriage I was on the brink of having an affair yet managed to pull away art the last minute thanks to a moment of dumb luck that woke me up and opened my eyes that my marriage was nothing but a sham. As sad as it was to admit it, it was time for me to move on with my life and filed for divorce. Are you going to be as lucky as I was and not have an affair? Only time will tell but are you willing to take the risk?


a part of me feels like he's kind of setting it up this way.. openning doors for me to mess up. I've brought it to his attention that it feels like he's intentionally messing with my head. Playing on this and possibly getting off on his newfound "control" but he scoffs at this and says he'd never do something like that.. Affair..? I completely see and understand your point. If I may be brutally honest; I could totally see that happening.. I'd like to think I'm stronger than that.. but afterall, I am human.. What am I supossed to do???

He tells me to just "do it myself" but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that just isn't the same as the caress of another.. Just feels so unreal so someone of my age to be in a sexless marriage. We've got it made! No kids, no pets, nothing holding us down or away from each other! (except him now..) Could it possibly REALLY be that all this time he's had no.. "release"?? Sorry, but I just don't buy that.. That's another thing.. he says I have to start trusting him and if I don't how can this work? Are you kidding me?? After all you've done I have to trust YOU?! You've gotta earn that buddy! All he says is "I am".. 

He says this has nothing to do with his family or anything and he isn't gay.. just "things are different now" what I can't wrap my head around is why do I have to just roll with HIS waves?? What about me?? Do I even exist here anymore?? He says I do, that he loves me and then tells me that I'm the one not letting us move forward, that I don't want to put forth the effort to make this work..GRRRRRR. At this point I feel like the best thing would be for me to do ME and just let him be and wait until (if) he decides to reach for me.. I guess.. idk.. I'm an INCREDIBLY affectonate woman and when I tell you that we haven't so much as sat on the same couch let alone even just hold hands in the past almost 3 weeks I'm not kidding. it's KILLNG me.. I neeeeed touch.. neeeed love, affection. I've never felt so alone and rejected in my life.. I tell him this and he says "i'm not comfortable with that and that isn't the way it is. it's just different now" I feel like.. "ok, so because YOU SAY SO, I just just be like sure ok, you got it.." !!


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

we used to shower together every night.. now he keeps the doors all shut, won't even get changed in the same room as me.. I have to practically beg for a hug.. I can't live like this.. I'm dying for affection..


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He is using the same method that 3 year old children use to control their parents. He wants something but he doesn't know how or what to ask for...so he tantrums. Don't beg after him, he's feeding off it, like a child does with a parent.. He is not mature enough to interact with adults. 

Sorry to say, he is not ready to engage with you as a grown up. This is not something you can't fix!!! Some people take longer than others to grow up. Hopefully they don't do themselves or others damage on their way to maturity. You are experiencing the damages now. 

It's not your fault he is that way. You see something in him that attracts you. That's why you stay with him. But I don't see this working. You could wait around, but change will not come for years...I mean that, years of damage to come. Start planing your way out now. Don't be afraid and don't be let this ruin your life. It's never too late to pick yourself up. Be strong.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

kittykat09 said:


> I like you but I don't like this advice. Just because he is in pain doesn't mean he is allowed to yell at her, throw her around, hold her down, tell her she is ugly and boring in bed, etc. That is *his* problem and many women who try to take care of the "good man inside" wind up brutally beaten or dead. At the very least, he is seriously damaging her self esteem.
> 
> He is abusive, end of story. He can change but it isn't her job to do it and many men *don't* change. If she stays he will have no reason to change, and it sounds like he is progressively getting worse.
> 
> ETA: Ew, he told you "I love you but I'm not in love with you." That's very bad. He has checked out.


I so :iagree::iagree::iagree::smthumbup:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

chaos said:


> JessyRose, if this was the story of a friend of yours, what would you advice her to do? You see sometimes we know what the right answer is for a friend who is going through difficult times in a relationship yet when it is us, we delude ourselves into thinking "it's different" when it really isn't.
> 
> You are an attractive young woman, what are you going to do if you meet a man who treats you the way you want your husband to treat you and you become hooked? *You are a good candidate for having an affair you know. And before you say that you would never cheat on your husband let me tell you that an affair does not happen overnight. *I was devoted to my ex-wife but after 3.5 years of living in a sexless marriage I was on the brink of having an affair yet managed to pull away art the last minute thanks to a moment of dumb luck that woke me up and opened my eyes that my marriage was nothing but a sham. As sad as it was to admit it, it was time for me to move on with my life and filed for divorce. Are you going to be as lucky as I was and not have an affair? Only time will tell but are you willing to take the risk?


I hate to say it but i agree.. I thought i would never cheat either, but i did as much as i hate to admit it. It was an EA and i stopped it before it went any further.. When you are neglected, things happen even if you don't intend for them to happen all it will take is a man to show you some attention and that is when it starts.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

so.....

Last night I came home after being gone the entire day with my family to find my husband piss drunk in the livingroom (have never seen him smashed before) with screaming music blasted, drawing broken hearts and laughing.. Long story short, he wanted to "talk" and I refused because he was obliterated saying that we could talk in the AM when all heads were clear.. Wasn't taking no for an answer so here we go again with the yanking, screaming and pulling on me, telling me to "listen to him" and all that. Talking about more lies and threats about sex marriage and regret (to get a rise out of me I'm sure) I texted "911" to my friend after struggling to get my phone back from him, slapping him in the face to get free and then zooming out the door. Then called the police for domestic abuse.. Waited at the nearby church, spoke to an officer who when to my house but husband wouldn't open the door or acknowledge he was home. Texted me "I'm sorry". I let the officer call him from my cell phone and talk to him about consequences of what he's doing. Not sure what husband said in response.. Then he called me about 20 times, text messages, voicemails all saying he's so sorry and we need to talk. I ignored all of it and I stayed at my friend's house until the morning when I could talk to my family about what happened at which point we just got back from going to my apartment to get any valuables/some clothes and just my basic possessions. I guess husband was trying to baracade himself into the bedroom when we arrived because when I opened the bedroom door he was trying to move his dresser towards the door. Then he must have given up and he just sat on the bed and watched me with a depressed guilty look on his face. (too little too late buddy) I left with my father and brother and am planning on going back tomorrow during the day while he's at work to just basically move myself out of that place.. Now, should I be technical and take everything that is MINE and leave him with whatever he came here with?? or still have a heart and leave him with a bed to rest his head??? Suggestions please!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow. Is he having an affair and his AP dumped him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

still no affair to be found.. I'm assuming "AP" would referr to the person he would be cheating with.. I've been through his phone records and the only contact outside of his contact with me was a phone call to cable to cancel the internet bill (12mins) (i took the computer) and a call to the guy he works with that he's been getting rides from (3mins)


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Jessy,

I don't know if you want to salvage this relationship at this point, but it may be a good idea to move on. For things like this to start this early in a relationship, it will typically only get worse. 

It seems early on you had a lot in common and had a lot of fun. Marriage takes more than that. He has no respect or appreciation for you. Without that respect and appreciation, your marriage is doomed.

A few things I see. It very much to me sounds like he's having / had an affair. Won't have sex with you. Even in the middle of the night when you initiate (this is a high hormone time for guys while in that sleepy state). Won't change in front of you. This could be a result of him not wanting to "cheat" on his new fling. He's denying you something you want and he is fully capable of. He's pointing out "flaws" that never seemed to bother him before. 

You're out now, but with the abusive treatment and serious questions, some snooping hardware on the computer would have likely answered a lot of questions for you. I don't advocate this violation of privacy much, but he's given you more than enough reason to believe he's not being truthful with you. Combined with the fact he seems willing to hurt you both physically and mentally, I'd not place ANY bets on the fact he could care less that he could give you an STD were he to be cheating. So, you need to look out for yourself.

Cheating guys can be very good at covering tracks. The fact that nothing remains on a cell phone means, well, nothing. He could have another "cheater's phone" stashed somewhere. 

Now, on to the abuse. It will only more than likely get worse. This is happening this SOON in marriage? Watch out. And should you ever consider reconciling, or come into contact with him again, and he touches you out of anger, you need to remove yourself from the situation, call the police, and then follow through with it. This is a ZERO TOLERANCE thing. If he's prone to it, and he sees no consequence to it, it will escelate. There's already a pattern starting here. Verbal abuse. Belittling. Controlling behavior. All very bad signs. Do you think it will get better if there's no consequences for him? Or in 5 years down the road when you have children and it is even harder to leave?

You sound pretty understanding and open sexually. Most men would be more than content. But, we are still men. We are very visual, and the sight of a woman is enough to turn us on. Different women. I think if you understand that and come to terms with it, it will hurt you or bother you less. It, to me, just does not seem realistic to think a guy will not look at naked women given the chance. It is also not realistic to believe just because we do so that we consider you any less attractive or you are not meeting our needs, or that something is lacking. It really is not in a great many cases. Me for instance...I still look at it. My god, I love a beautiful woman's naked body. Yet I have the best sexual relationship of my life, there are no signs of it slowing down, and I can not even conceive of risking losing what I have by acting out the very basic and animal nature that is in us men to "spread our seed" or be visually turned on by attractive women. I can't conceive of having a much more satisfying sex life, and I know what it's like to want that desperately, and how it feels to be at the other end of it. 

But this desire to look at, "be with" other women (if only mentally), well, it is simply traits in us brought on by our very own evolution as a species. I think that once a woman understands that, it becomes a lot less hurtful and feels much less of a betrayal. Men are visual, and when we want to go "outside" outside of our present relationship for fantasy, we turn to visual things. The computer. The TV. Magazines. Women, on the other hand, are more prone to do this in their head. This I've said before...If women's brains had a history cache that could be accessed the way a computer's can, I bet there would be a lot of seriously traumatized and insecure men out there! I know a good number of my wife's "could likely not ever go there in real life" fantasies. And while she often fantasizes about me because of the great sex we have or some new trick I picked up and tried on her, I also know that I am not the only penis to work its way into her fantasies. And I'm okay with that. Not hurt by it. I understand it. Fantasy, be it mental or visual are one thing. Acting on it outside of the marriage is where it gets to be a bad thing.

There is a limit though, as has been stated. Porn addiction is bad, and when it gets to a point where the sexual relationship suffers because of it, it is time to take action and correct it. 

I tell you this because you seem like the type of woman who could easily fulfil a good man's desires in bed. You're pretty open. Watchin porn with hubby? Yes, good job. Initiating sex? Again, great job. Many women will not do these things. You have a good sexual appetite. So, you will easily one day, be someone's dream "catch" (all other things falling in line of course). Take it from a guy who has what you report to offer, and I can tell you I have never been so completely satisfied in my life, and my desire for someone sexually has never been nearly as strong as it is for my wife as a result. I could not fathom going outside of this relationship and risking ruining what seems a dream come true. But I will look at other naked women , sometimes alone, but also with the wife.

The more serious issues here are the potential cheating, and the control and abuse. Do not let this man (or any man) tear you down and question your self worth. That is controlling behavior. A real man who is confident in himself and thus, you, will only try to build you up, not tear your self esteem down. Hurtful comments are NEVER helpful. They're controlling. Or at the least, a way to selfishly divert blame for one's own shortcommings onto someone else instead of facing them.

Best of luck to you. Do not tolerate less than what you deserve from any man, and never tolerate abuse.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Just because he says he isn't gay, doesn't mean it is true. Maybe, that is what has changed.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Sorry, did not answer a question you had.

Leave him with NOTHING of yours. Not a damned thing. Let him sleep on the floor. Two reasons...one, he does not deserve any consideration at this point. Two, if you ever have any hope (and you may once things cool) of getting back together, he needs to KNOW what it feels like to LOSE EVERYTHING you brought to the relationship, and feel the very hard and true consequences of his actions. Maybe then, and only then, will true change be a possibility for him, and that there will be serious and hard consequences for him in the future if he continues with this behavior. He needs to believe you're gone for good and never coming back. Leaving things there only encourages the "she'll be back" thoughts in his head.

Be careful and stay alert that this controlling behavior will follow you once you leave the house. If he acts on it and starts the stalking stuff, threatening violence, etc., it is restraining order time.


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## mamap1 (Apr 29, 2012)

I don't really know what you want to do? DO you feel in your heart you want to stay and make it work or are you just fed up? He is your husband and that is so rude and mean of him to call you out on breakouts.. they are fixable.. I am pregnant and break out little bumps on my chin the best thing to do to get rid of them is exfoliate your face everyday and get a good cleanser.. Proactive works great or even just a non-drying wash with sylic acid. Still he shouldn't care though that is really crappy.. he should love you for you. What I would do if I was in your situation is sit down with him tell him in a calm voice can we please have a serious talk.. ask him his feelings.. does he want to work it out? Does he want to just have a mutual agreement to break it off? Does he love you anymore? but the biggest question you need to ask yourself? Are you going to stay and let someone treat you this way or are you going to do what makes you happy in life? Don't let someone who is supposed to love you for better or worse make you feel like crap and insecure.. that is not fair at all.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

no, i do not want to be with this person any longer. i actually dont even know who he is anymore and have lost any and all feeling for him.. i've been at my parents house for 2 days with no contact other than him seeing me pack a few bags.. there is nothing he could do or say that would change how i feel about this..

husband contacted me today to talk about divorce. he wants to sell everything and split it mutually. even wants to sell the jewelry hes bought me over the duration of the relationship. i feel i shouldnt have to split that with him. those were all gifts and it just seems petty... he's broke now and needs a car so i feel like he's just trying to stack his chips any way he can. he is being calm and respectful with me at least.. could be a different side of him though. he's got a very jekyl and hyde thing going. he wants to file for divorce under "irretrievable breakdown" contested. I don't agree with the terms. In NY they won't let you file for divorce until you've been seperated for a year or have been crashing for 6 months. he's saying its been "downhill spiral for 6months" BULL****! we JUST got back from our first anniversary cruise in february. The vacation was bliss, sex was bliss, holidays was bliss. This just started up 1 month ago. He's saying he wants to settle it asap and so do i but i also want to do it RIGHT. I feel he is at fault for our divorce. he kept me in the dark about a million things, witheld sex, abused me (mentally and physically).. Should I fight it or should I just take the quickest way out? I feel I have rights and I want to make sure this goes down 100% accuarately..


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

seems to me like he wants to rush outta this thing just like we rushed in.. all impulse.. I can't allow any room for error anymore.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

You mentioned you don't want to split the value of the jewelry since those are gifts. Did you buy him any gifts that are of comparable value? That is if he's spent thousands on gifts for you, and that hasn't been reciprocated it seems unfair to me to expect that in addition to a split of all other assets.

Why are you eager to finalize the divorce ASAP?

Separation is a great idea, but to be honest you'll likely need some time to heal before you're ready for another meaningful relationship anyway. Waiting 4-6 months may not be a bad idea (though a year seems too long).


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> You mentioned you don't want to split the value of the jewelry since those are gifts. Did you buy him any gifts that are of comparable value? That is if he's spent thousands on gifts for you, and that hasn't been reciprocated it seems unfair to me to expect that in addition to a split of all other assets.
> 
> Why are you eager to finalize the divorce ASAP?
> 
> Separation is a great idea, but to be honest you'll likely need some time to heal before you're ready for another meaningful relationship anyway. Waiting 4-6 months may not be a bad idea (though a year seems too long).


I'm not in a rush to finalize anything. I'm just trying to gather myself, ya know? He's the one who is rush rush rush. Seems like he thinks this will all be settled within one week. Not realistic.. I don't see how having a piece of paper by law or not at this point makes much difference. I mean, it isn't like either of us (as far as I know) are seeing anyone or interested in having a serious commitment to anyone any time soon so I don't understand his mindset on the rush. As for the jewlery, all the jewlery he bought me was charged to a credit card that I paid most of the time.. and trust me, it wasn't even close to thousands. Aside from the wedding rings I'd say maybe $500.. Yes, I would spend all my money on him, always bought him lots of stuff. This is ridiculous though. I feel like we're just splitting hairs with this crap. Is the world really this petty??


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

He actually has a good job. He lost 4 jobs during the 2.5 years we were together and this is honesty the best we've ever had it. Great place, good income, just the car situation. He wanted to use the savings money to pay for a lawyer but I said absolutely not. I took the passbook so he can't do anything with it. Besides, my father set up that account for us about 2 months ago and husband hasn't put anything into it so I feel it should just go to my father (which I got him to agree with) 

You need to understand something here.. When I got with my husband, he had NOTHING. Was living at home, JUST got his car on the road, got laid off, was a pothead.. we got together and I lifted him up and put him on a throne. He was eating better, looked better, had a support system. He lost 4 jobs over the course of almost 2 years and during those months that we had NOTHING my father paid our rent and helped in any way he could to support us, never asking for anything in return other than for my husband to treat me right and take care of me once he bounced back from the economy. I even borrowed $1,000 against my life insurance policy to pay the rent once. Well, here we are in a great position, having bounced back from the economy and look what he does.. Sorry to sound *****y, but this freaking guy is an assssshoollleee.. I have SO much resentment towards him it's unbelievable. Even just reading this thread from start to finish astounds me.. The whole time all I was ever worried about was HIM.. Stupid girl..


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## mamap1 (Apr 29, 2012)

He wants your jewlrey.. I would say hell no!! Don't give it to him.. as much as he needs the money.. they were gifts for you and if anyone is going to pawn them it should be you. If I were you I would make sure I took everything that's mine and I would talk with my family too and get their opinions about how to handle all of this or a lawyer? Idk if you guys are going that route.. but it might be good to atleast meet with a lawyer because divore can get nasty.. ecspeically if he's harboring any mean feelings toward you.. he will try to win/take everything and hurt you even more.


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## OneHotMomma (Apr 30, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> There are some problems but it's completely reversable.....
> 
> For starters you need to drill in your head that men are taught from an early age to be introverted with their feelings. We are conditioned not to show weakness and hide what's really going on out of fear that you'll lose respect. Every man has his own way of expressing himself and he may have wanted to tell you at some point but you wanted instant gratification and made the same mistake every woman makes, you b*tched and drove him further away. Now it's not the want for communication that was the problem but the tonality, timing, and temper that could have made a peaceful conversation seem like a personal attack.
> 
> ...


I am glad I read this b/c I have a post up right now that no one has answered and it's very similar, minus the aggression. AND I have a baby. I still feel like the porn thing can be changed like you said it's a stress thing. It's just really not acceptable for a men or anyone to touch someone else in a hurtful manner like that. Counseling is key.


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## Missme4now (May 1, 2012)

You can't "not" afford the divorce, you are being emotionally abused and it has and will escalate to physical abuse. If he is not willing to seek help for what has happened as well as help with the addiction to porn, then you need to get yourself out of that relationship and heal yourself. Learn what you want in your life and in a stable relationship, before you get into another one. Money is not everything....I know. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off learn from it and move on.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I can't help but wonder if your husband is in the midst of some kind of major emotional/psychological/spiritual breakdown. His change in behavior, habits, and outlook on life seem to have, from the outside looking in, taken an unusually fast decline. There are a lot of signs here that suggest crisis that might be beyond his immediate control or understanding.

I keep thinking about how this all is seemingly very out of character for a man you've known for a good junk of your life.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

I've been living at my parent's house for almost 2 weeks now.. 

"husband" has sold most of the funiture in our place (splitting it) and it is VERY clear we will not be reconciling. He has admitted to me that the whole marriage was a mistake and never should have occurred. He says he wasn''t ready or whatever but he was the one who pushed SO hard to move quickly into a marriage. My family supported him financially, emotionally and he even INSISTED on taking my name, rather than the tradition of the woman to take the man's name. 

Here's my concern: 
After doing research, I'd LOVE to get an annulment rather than a divorce. Is that possible under grounds of fraud?? He basically used me, my family and my family name to "re-invent" a life for himself and now he's "through" 

Pleaase helpppppp


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

You may need your last question answered by a lawyer.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

according to a lawyer I met with yesterday, anullemnt is not an option.. I guess what I'll do is wait and see what husband does and if he wants this, he can pay for it. You should see how he's chosen to live. He's sold almost all the furniture and has made himself quite a jail cell in the living room, sleeping on the floor. I can't believe this is how he prefers to live over working things out with his wife.. KILLING ME.. I'm not going to therapy (something I don't believe in as well as xanax.. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I just want my home back, my life back, my husband back..


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