# Encouragement, please.



## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

I am mortified.

Long story short. Together 11 years. Husband had PA and said he wanted to work it out. He went to counseling three times. Never really communicated with me. He said he was no longer in love. After previously writing me a two-page letter stating his love and desire and longing just to run away with me.

He was on a mental roller coaster. We both moved out of the marital home in to our own places four weeks ago. Best for me as I have lots of peace in my new space.

The difficult part, my children have only lived with the two of us. The kids came home from a overnight visit with dad and said that PA partner is going to live with them as daddy explained that last night. He has had the EA partner around him on during his visitation. He is completly mental, not the person I ever knew. I want my children to be okay during all of this. The oldest said that she does not like it one bit. I have reframed from saying anything negative about him to the children. I figure, he has layed this all out for them to remember horribly. A nightmare. I will never keep the children from him. No papers have been filed. However, I am planning to move on it soon. What is a mother to do?

2much2soon


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

The kids will figure it all out in time, what kind of person he is, and eventually they will be able to choose whether to spend time with him or not. Meanwhile, I think you are doing the right thing by refraining from speaking ill of their father. That would only come back to bite you in the long run.

When you say he is mental, however, what do you mean? Are you concerned for your children's safety?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

How long have you been separated?


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> The kids will figure it all out in time, what kind of person he is, and eventually they will be able to choose whether to spend time with him or not. Meanwhile, I think you are doing the right thing by refraining from speaking ill of their father. That would only come back to bite you in the long run.
> 
> When you say he is mental, however, what do you mean? Are you concerned for your children's safety?



He is just someone I know longer recognize. His actions seem to be very irrational. He was not like that prior to the affair. At this point, I'm not concerned with my kid's safety. But I am listening closely.


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> How long have you been separated?


I moved out of the house June 15th.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

Hi. I really can't comment on the situation, I mean with much insight, as my situation is different. I just wish you courage, strength and resolve to do what is in your heart to do. Clearly, looking out for the well being of the children is paramount. I think you can't contest his life choices, unless he is abusive or otherwise determined to be detrimental for the kids. As you will hear here often, best thing for you is to get on and focus on building a life for yourself (that is, a new life). And one last thing, if it is to be a divorce, try hard to make it amicable, a court battle serves no one except the lawyers.

Wish you courage and send you hugs


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

eyesopen said:


> Hi. I really can't comment on the situation, I mean with much insight, as my situation is different. I just wish you courage, strength and resolve to do what is in your heart to do. Clearly, looking out for the well being of the children is paramount. I think you can't contest his life choices, unless he is abusive or otherwise determined to be detrimental for the kids. As you will hear here often, best thing for you is to get on and focus on building a life for yourself (that is, a new life). And one last thing, if it is to be a divorce, try hard to make it amicable, a court battle serves no one except the lawyers.
> 
> Wish you courage and send you hugs


I am focusing on me. The most difficult part is the uneasyness of my children. Not sure how long it will take them to get over his decision to move in with another woman and her child. 

Thanks for the courage and hugs. Appreciate it.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

It's a tough situation you're in - you've been hurt by your husband's decisions and those wounds are still open, yet you will be called on to reassure your children, a tough call for you, as you are a victim also.

Empathy is a skill best suited for this call. By sticking with empathy, you can address your children's feelings without introducing your own. 

Your children will need you to be their rock. Even though you both are starting over, their father is not someone they feel like they can count on right now. Only you. (No pressure, huh?)

Do what you know is right and stick with it. Your kids will figure out the truth in time. Be yourself and they will believe in you. You got this.


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

Janie said:


> It's a tough situation you're in - you've been hurt by your husband's decisions and those wounds are still open, yet you will be called on to reassure your children, a tough call for you, as you are a victim also.
> 
> Empathy is a skill best suited for this call. By sticking with empathy, you can address your children's feelings without introducing your own.
> 
> ...


Janie, I want to remain their rock. Yesterday when I dropped the kids. I calmly asked him to consider them in all of his decison making. I think he was content that I even spoke to him. As I have only communicated via text regarding drop off and pick-up times. He stares at me at every opportunity. I appreciate your encouragement. I got this. Thank you.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

2much2soon said:


> I am mortified.
> 
> Long story short. Together 11 years. Husband had EA and said he wanted to work it out. He went to counseling three times. Never really communicated with me. He said he was no longer in love. After previously writing me a two-page letter stating his love and desire and longing just to run away with me.
> 
> ...


I went back to re-read your initial post because I'm amazed at how strong and settled you seem. 

If your story is out there, I apologize I haven't read it, but how long ago was the EA? The physical separation was 4 weeks ago, but you sound surprisingly at peace with that part of it, just mainly concerned about your children.

I admire your courage and strength, just wondering how you got there...


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

Janie said:


> I went back to re-read your initial post because I'm amazed at how strong and settled you seem.
> 
> If your story is out there, I apologize I haven't read it, but how long ago was the EA? The physical separation was 4 weeks ago, but you sound surprisingly at peace with that part of it, just mainly concerned about your children.
> 
> I admire your courage and strength, just wondering how you got there...



The EA was exposed end of Jan/Feb, I was banking of the fact that he would choose our family. It was in June that his actions stated that our family was not the choice. I think I am just out done with the effect this is having on my children. I am not sure what the EA did to his mind, but it obviously changed the person that I thought I knew. I am a nice woman who was in my rightful place as a wife. His two-page letter confirms that. Will keep that for our children. Unfortunately, I think he went to a "space" of no return as the EA had been going on for 8 months when I found out. Ultimately, I want to be happy. I think our life experiences shape us. I lost a really close relative 12 years ago and from that experience I understand how precious life can be. I am going to hold dear to my heart the wonderful years we had together. And chalk up this last year as a loss. Honestly, it is important to me that my kiddos remain solid as I feel that I am the only parent operating with a full deck...looking out for their best interest. I do have my bad days. But being in my own space has brought a peace that I can't explain. Has to be God looking out for me and my children.This is my first post Janie. Thanks.


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

2much2soon said:


> The EA was exposed end of Jan/Feb, I was banking of the fact that he would choose our family. It was in June that his actions stated that our family was not the choice. I think I am just out done with the effect this is having on my children. I am not sure what the EA did to his mind, but it obviously changed the person that I thought I knew. I am a nice woman who was in my rightful place as a wife. His two-page letter confirms that. Will keep that for our children. Unfortunately, I think he went to a "space" of no return as the EA had been going on for 8 months when I found out. Ultimately, I want to be happy. I think our life experiences shape us. I lost a really close relative 12 years ago and from that experience I understand how precious life can be. I am going to hold dear to my heart the wonderful years we had together. And chalk up this last year as a loss. Honestly, it is important to me that my kiddos remain solid as I feel that I am the only parent operating with a full deck...looking out for their best interest. I do have my bad days. But being in my own space has brought a peace that I can't explain. Has to be God looking out for me and my children.This is my first post Janie. Thanks.


Also, I exercise as much as I can and I read this daily: _Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never ever insist yourself on someone who continuously over looks your worth._


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

I am EXTREMELY concerned about having the EA partner in my children's lives. Makes me the most anxious.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

2much2soon

You should be concerned. Your WH is not operating with a full deck.....

He is moving on so fast and this has to be awfully confusing for your kiddos.

How old are the kids by the way? How old are you and WH?

You are keeping your emotions under control but I think I would file for D and have a clause where the OW cannot be introduced to the children for at a minimum of 6 months.

It is sad that your WH has changed so much but the key is not to let this D change you!

I love your phrase. It shows who you are. A good wife, a good mom and a great person.

Your husbands loss which he needs to feel sooner rather than later.

HM64


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> 2much2soon
> 
> You should be concerned. Your WH is not operating with a full deck.....
> 
> ...


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

dont mind me. im still kind of in shock that a guy had a EA.

EMOTIONAL AFFAIR? A GUY? FOR WHAT?


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## workitout (Jan 24, 2012)

2much2soon said:


> I am EXTREMELY concerned about having the EA partner in my children's lives. Makes me the most anxious.


I know that feeling. I've done a fantastic job being very nice about mommy to my daughter. Then there was the day my daughter asked about my wife's EA partner...

I could tell the color dropped out of my face, and it was the worst I felt since d-day. I just did the right thing, and said I didn't know about them.


In one of my last counseling sessions I expressed that I was concerned about my wife and the people that she would bring into my daughter's life. My counselor said, and I believe this to be the truth, "If you give her the best life you can, and model your behavior on the behavior you want her to have, then she'll have the toolkit to make it through this and end up 'normal'."

It is my belief that taking the high road is the way to go in these situations... even if it hurts sometimes. I'll take the pain if I can keep my daughter out of the middle.


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

bribrius said:


> dont mind me. im still kind of in shock that a guy had a EA.
> 
> EMOTIONAL AFFAIR? A GUY? FOR WHAT?


Ha! I thought EA stood for extramarital affair. So it was a PA. Oops. Thanks.:lol:


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

workitout said:


> I know that feeling. I've done a fantastic job being very nice about mommy to my daughter. Then there was the day my daughter asked about my wife's EA partner...
> 
> I could tell the color dropped out of my face, and it was the worst I felt since d-day. I just did the right thing, and said I didn't know about them.
> 
> ...



Thank you. I needed to read that tonight. It does hurt. I am trying to alleviate the pain. Most days have been good, but the bad days are really bad.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

2much2soon said:


> Thank you. I needed to read that tonight. It does hurt. I am trying to alleviate the pain. Most days have been good, but the bad days are really bad.


Hang in there. The bad days will grow further and further apart and the pain will lessen. But it takes time. Its been three months for me and I still have bad days, but generally most days now its just bad moments. I know this sounds vindictive, but I hope my husband's good days become less and less and his pain (if he ever had any) grows as he realizes what he has thrown away.


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Hang in there. The bad days will grow further and further apart and the pain will lessen. But it takes time. Its been three months for me and I still have bad days, but generally most days now its just bad moments. I know this sounds vindictive, but I hope my husband's good days become less and less and his pain (if he ever had any) grows as he realizes what he has thrown away.


Frost,
When he realizes the grass seemed greener because it was fertilized with bull sh** his pain will be there. Thank you. Just trying to take care of me the best I can, so my children will have a solid parent.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

2much2soon said:


> Frost,
> When he realizes the grass seemed greener because it was fertilized with bull sh** his pain will be their. Thank you. Just trying to take care of me the best I can, so my children will have a solid parent.


They have a great parent! You are doing all the right things for them and for you.


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

Honestly, watching my children is quite disturbing to me. I have petition using state law to prevent the kids from being around OW until court determines. He said he would sign. We'll see. Way too soon. They need more time. Kids were crying last night. A difficult time for me. Doesn't make me want to EVER be with him. Find him to be a weak man. Such a turn off. My anxiety and stress are related to my children who love him and our family dearly. So hard. 

2much2soon.


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