# Sexless marriage because of kids?



## tforty185 (May 4, 2009)

Hi everyone. Basically, my husband says there is no time for sex because everything is revolved around the kids. I am trying to "make" time for sex when the kids are in bed (around 8ish), but according to him, that doesn't work either because he has to take a shower and go to bed shortly after that because he gets up at 4:30 am. I said that I could try getting up earlier, but he says that won't work because he has tried that before and I didn't want to get up. It is true. Our kids are almost 5 and 9 years old. How can we make this marriage work? Is it necessary to have sex in a marriage to be happy? How do other couples with kids work it out? My husband is in the navy and is very pressured about his work. I tried telling him it would be a good stress-reliever, but that didn't work. I feel I should sleep downstairs from now on because why sleep in bed? 
Annie


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

tforty185 said:


> I feel I should sleep downstairs from now on because why sleep in bed?
> Annie


That is certainly what I would do in your position to get his attention. Clearly he is avoiding sex with you, the only question is why.

Do you have sex at all? what is the rest of the relationship like?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

There has to be more going on here than what you have shared, there has to be some other circumstance for his lack of interest. Kids that old don't inhibit a healthy sex life...

I get up at 4:AM to go to work, my wife and I have three children and one on the way and it's unusual for us not to have sex 4-5 times a week in one form or another.

More insight might help...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## tforty185 (May 4, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> That is certainly what I would do in your position to get his attention. Clearly he is avoiding sex with you, the only question is why.
> 
> Do you have sex at all? what is the rest of the relationship like?


I think that is what I am going to do. My friend said to just "rape" him (jokingly) in the middle of the night and maybe he will respond to that. I might try it. 

We have sex maybe once every 2 weeks to a month. I think that right now we don't have a great relationship because we dont have the communication that we used to have. Everything is on a schedule. Our kids go to school, and I am a stay-at-home mom, so I call him at work to communicate with him. We argue a little, but as far as communication goes, we dont talk as much as we used to. I feel that we are two separate people in this marriage, and there is no love in it. He does help in some chores, like he did the laundry yesterday without me asking him. HE does the dishes if I ask him to, but I usually get to it before he does. I TRY to have things done before he gets home. I do the housework and cooking, while he helps my son with his homework and gives them a bath and puts them to bed. He is on shore duty right now, so it makes it easier to keep things going like this. When he is gone, I try to make things easier for myself. I have depression and anxiety, so I have a lot of ups and downs too. I know that this is PMS week for me, but I know I am not having one of those moods right now or trying to pick a fight. HE is a workaholic too, and his work is important to him. HE is also the kind of person that he won't change for anyone, not even his family. Like I tried to ask him to not cuss around me, but he refuses. HE says it is his way to vent and that is the way he is. HE is a navy guy and that is what they do. Sounds like he wants to be a bachelor again, doesn't it? Well, I hope that explains a little about our life.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I would like to recomend you both read the book His needs her needs how to affair proof your marriage. If you took two different color highlighters and read the book together it might help. Both of your high light the points you can relate too.

It really helped my marriage as I was at the same point you both are in.

Good luck.


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

doesnt sound positive .. definetly sounds like he is avoiding you as MT said.. kids in a house can hender certain functions at diffrent times ..but seems like he would be just as eager as you are to find a solution that would benefit both ..not shut down every suggestion as fast as you offer solution.. I would be looking further into his motives for avoidance ... create a fool proof excuse free situation for him to engage in sex and if he avoids then Confront Away cause something is going on with him ..


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

As a stay at home mom, I also found my husband getting alienated from the rest of the family. I am not sure if it was my moods, or my new role as mother that he finds unsexy. Anyhow, sex has gotten a little better, but both of us need to be on the same page, and that's hard to do if scheduling conflicts.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Sensitive said:


> Anyhow, sex has gotten a little better, but both of us need to be on the same page, and that's hard to do if scheduling conflicts.


Hey that's great news


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## JasonL115 (Apr 27, 2009)

When you think about the incredible lengths men will go to to get sex it stands to reason that if he really wants it he would find a way to have it. 

Many of us can remember the days when we would be up all night partying and carrying on with a new partner, showering and then happily heading off to work without a wink of sleep.

His excuses are a smokescreen, a cover for another, deeper problem. This is all about sexual desire. Find out what's killing the desire and you may be able to help him regain it.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

Not having kids I can't really offer any advice in that regard.

But I was in the military for quite a time and I'm used to maintaining relationships, where there's a lot of pressure, you don't get to spend a lot of time together and you're basically snatching time for sex whenever you can get it.

I think you need to adjust your sex life to your circumstances...

Instead of looking at sex as this romantic mutual thing, try looking at it as something you do for each other.

Sometimes you have sex for your hubbies benefit and sometimes for you own. 

My hubby works late a occassionally, and we have a rule, that we'll have sex before he leaves in the night. The upteen times we've done it I've never orgasamed once. I'm tired I want to go back to sleep, which sometimes I am before he finishes.

and he loves it, I'm usually quite aggressive when he shags, so me being basically comatose well it's a change of mood for him.

Now he actually enjoys having to go to work during the middle of the night, he really appreciates me doing it, thinking I'm the dream wife. and it takes practically zero effort on my part. 

So anyway when you worry about making time for sex, that's the problem I think, your hubby has a lot on his mind, only to have the added hassle of performing sexually no wonder he says no... so making time??well how much time does a blowjob take?. If you take the first step and do it once or twice, I bet your husband will appreciate it and reciprocate when he can manage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I did the math. If you nailed him twice a week during the week at exactly 20:30 he'd get some sex and still get 7 hours of sleep. 

Then on the weekend try a different schedule.


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## dorado23 (May 11, 2009)

As soon as ur kids are asleep u should shower w him and initiate it then and there. Or wait in bed naked for him so when he lies down to sleep he sees u and gets aroused. He shouldnt be too tired to want to do it before he goes to bed, even if its for just 5 min. Or you can wake him by giving him O, pardon my french  that should help. But do sit and talk to him because it isnt fair for you to initiate all the time, and also dress sexy, even if its just to clean show some skin when d kids arent home of course


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

Prompted by the previous two posts, I just wanted to clarify something about my own earlier post.

I wasn't suggesting that you start acting ****ty or doing anything tacky. What I was suggesting is that you do something sexually that's strictly for his benefit, and then afterwards see how he responds.

He could get a sense of entitlement and just get lazy or he might genuinely appreciate it. And make the effort at a later stage to return the favour.

I know a quickie or a blowjob wouldn't be very sexually satisfying for you, but since it takes little effort and as long as your hubbie appreciates it in the right way I do think it could help.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Ok first thing I have to say is DO NOT PLAY GAMES. If it bothers you that much sit down and TALK. Don't go sleep on the sofa to get his attention. This only leads to bad places with every ones feelings hurt.

Now I have two boys the same age (5 and 9) and I know finding time for sex isn't easy but my wife and I manage to do it 3 to 4 times a week. I get up at 5:30am every morning too. At those ages my boys are pretty independent and don't require out constant attention. There is no reason you two can't find some time. Granted sex is sometimes only 20 minutes at most but you make due with the time you have.

How if all else fails, make up for lack of sex on the weekdays for amazing sex on the weekends. Get a baby sitter for 3 or 4 hours every Saturday and go all out. Scream, cry, talk dirty, etc. Just make those few hours of sex worth the effort.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

At 5 and 9, you can sit the kids down, make it very clear that mommy and daddy are going to have some alone time and there will be big consequences for interruption (except for emergency .. spell out what constitutes an emergency), put in a brand new video, lock the bedroom door and spend 30-45 minutes in the bedroom taking care of business (for foreplay, you can always sneak up to somewhere private and make out for a minute here and there before the actual "date").

Anyway, you can come up with the best way to pencil it in, but your husband's just avoiding it and making excuses. Find out why. Could he be having an affair?


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## Mr. R (May 5, 2009)

One thing to check up on (I'm not sure how) would be: Is he bored?
I mean not with sex generally, but sex with you in particular. Please don't be offended; this isn't an attack. Speaking for myself, I find that I am bored outta my mind sometimes with having sex with the SAME PERSON FOR YEARS ON END. It doesn't help that my wife has the sex drive of a rock, and thus makes little or no effort to participate when we do have sex. 

All I'm saying is do some self-checking before anything else. "Am I doing anything to contribute to this problem?" is one of the best questions any person can ask whenever they are faced with difficulty. Best of luck.


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