# Is my wife cheating?



## xsignguyx

I have been married for nine years. My wife and I have grown apart for the last 3 years. She would always bring up the issue and I would not face the problem and just try to stay out of arguments. During winter I noticed every time she left the room she would log out of facebook. And then I noticed she stated wearing Victoria secret underwear. In April a lady accused her of having an affair with her husband. My wife denied it and her family said the accusing woman was a crazy lady that couldn't be trusted. I did check me cell phone bill and the man's number was only on the history once, the day of the accusing and it was just one text sent by him. My wife said she didn't receive the text. We talked about it she said nothing was going on. We did talk about us and we would try to work on things. She started getting distant from me again. I also noticed a lot of small suspicious things she did. Then 3 weeks ago my brother told me he saw the man's truck waiting near my wife's work and she got in her car, drove off and he drove behind her. My brother followed them and lost them for a few seconds. He drove behind a nearby business and saw both vehicles parked beside each other at the end of the parking lot. My wife said it wasn't her and that there are other cars like hers. All of a sudden she wants to work on our marriage. We have talked about it 3 times and She denies it. When we talk about it, I start feeling sorry for her and start to believe her, but when we are apart I think about it logically and it seems true. I'm so confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme

Yes it sounds like she is cheating?

Does she wear they sexy panites for you or just when she is going to work?

I would also talk to that lady yourself, she probably knows something is going on.


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## Lostinthought61

How can you be confused, it sounds more like denial then confusion, i am pretty sure your brother can tell the difference between a woman he has known for some time then some who looks and drives the same car as her. you have to become a detective and find out for yourself and i woudl begin with all the details your brother shared and also see if you can reach out to that woman who accused your wife. also look at your wife phone for secret apps that she could be using.


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## naiveonedave

She fears you know more than you actually do, and the lovey dovey is meant to stop you from investigating further. You are in Denial, and you are not in a river in Egypt. Get your head out of the sand, don't confront your W without proof, talk to the OMW (the 'crazy lady') and start to stealthily snoop. And prepare for the worst. Good luck.


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## Bibi1031

If your brother is sure it was her, then you are the only one that is fooling yourself. Time to man up and snoop. You have been letting her get away with cheating for too long. What is it that YOU want?

If you don't expose with proof, she will just hide the affair better. Don't let her in on the fact that you are no longer her fool. Get proof first, armed with undeniable truth you can firmly and positive expose her for the fraud she probably is. 

If you pay for her phone. Check it. If you have access to her facebook, check it as well. Place a VAR in her can. Look up the Standard Evidence Post on the CWI part of this forum to help you get proof of her cheating.

Good luck in finding the truth and making a much better decision about your marital status when you are armed with the truth!


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## Yeswecan

The red flags are flying. You should be concerned.


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## xsignguyx

Months ago I first found them doing laundry for her. I have never seen them before that. I have mentioned this to her and she said she got them because she lost weight.


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## BetrayedDad

xsignguyx said:


> And then I noticed she stated wearing Victoria secret underwear. In April a lady accused her of having an affair with her husband.


Don't be confused. She's cheating. Obviously with this guy.

Check the underwear in the dirty laundry hamper for white stains.


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## 225985

Xenote said:


> How can you be confused, it sounds more like denial then confusion, i am pretty sure your brother can tell the difference between a woman he has known for some time then some who looks and drives the same car as her. you have to become a detective and find out for yourself and i woudl begin with all the details your brother shared and also see if you can reach out to that woman who accused your wife. also look at your wife phone for secret apps that she could be using.


Well, this post #3 says it all. I had the same reaction. "How can you be confused"?? Multiple people tell you your wife is cheating. It sucks. But you have to deal with it. 

If she suddenly wants to work on the marriage, it is only because the other man dumped her. 

She only had one text from the guy on her phone? It is called the delete button. Get the software recommended here, grab her phone and do a recovery of the deleted messages if you really want to know what you already have been told.


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## xsignguyx

I don't have access to her computer or laptop because I don't know the passwords. I do have access to the cell phone bill and I have went back and checked for the guys phone number. I only found it the one time that I already mentioned. She said she never received the text even though its on the bill. I think she uses Facebook messenger to contact him since I don't have access to her Facebook account.


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## Lostinthought61

xsignguyx said:


> I don't have access to her computer or laptop because I don't know the passwords. I do have access to the cell phone bill and I have went back and checked for the guys phone number. I only found it the one time that I already mentioned. She said she never received the text even though its on the bill. I think she uses Facebook messenger to contact him since I don't have access to her Facebook account.


is this a personal computer or a work computer is the former then she shoudl have told you what the password is.


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## bandit.45

What does your gut tell you? 

Always trust your gut. It is usually right.


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## GusPolinski

xsignguyx said:


> I have been married for nine years. My wife and I have grown apart for the last 3 years. She would always bring up the issue and I would not face the problem and just try to stay out of arguments. During winter I noticed every time she left the room she would log out of facebook. And then I noticed she stated wearing Victoria secret underwear. In April a lady accused her of having an affair with her husband. My wife denied it and her family said the accusing woman was a crazy lady that couldn't be trusted. I did check me cell phone bill and the man's number was only on the history once, the day of the accusing and it was just one text sent by him. My wife said she didn't receive the text. We talked about it she said nothing was going on. We did talk about us and we would try to work on things. She started getting distant from me again. I also noticed a lot of small suspicious things she did. Then 3 weeks ago my brother told me he saw the man's truck waiting near my wife's work and she got in her car, drove off and he drove behind her. My brother followed them and lost them for a few seconds. He drove behind a nearby business and saw both vehicles parked beside each other at the end of the parking lot. My wife said it wasn't her and that there are other cars like hers. All of a sudden she wants to work on our marriage. We have talked about it 3 times and She denies it. When we talk about it, I start feeling sorry for her and start to believe her, but when we are apart I think about it logically and it seems true. I'm so confused.


She's lying.

She cheated.

She may want to work on the the marriage now because she got dumped, or felt guilty and ended the affair, or whatever, but it's pretty clear that she's been cheating.

Do the two of you have any kids together?

Let's say you get absolute proof that she's been cheating -- what's your response?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan

xsignguyx said:


> I don't have access to her computer or laptop because I don't know the passwords. I do have access to the cell phone bill and I have went back and checked for the guys phone number. I only found it the one time that I already mentioned. She said she never received the text even though its on the bill. I think she uses Facebook messenger to contact him since I don't have access to her Facebook account.


If you are married you should have access to all of her devices and passwords. That is what marriage is about. Privacy happens only in the bathroom. Other than that it is supposed to be an open book. 

I call BS not getting the text. You need to get into her FB without her knowledge. If she knows you are going to look in on the FB page your W will scrub and delete everything.


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## xsignguyx

When we do discuss this she keeps going back to us growing apart and how I was the cause of it. Honestly it was both our fault, but since April I have been trying to make up for it. Now that my brother told me this, it feels like I have done this for nothing. Even if she had cheated the first time this was brought up, I was willing to forgive her because of the guilt I felt for us growing apart.


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## xsignguyx

We don't have kids. And if I had absolute proof and she would not tell me, I don't think I could trust her again.


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## bandit.45

xsignguyx said:


> When we do discuss this *she keeps going back to us growing apart and how I was the cause of it*. Honestly it was both our fault, but since April I have been trying to make up for it. Now that my brother told me this, it feels like I have done this for nothing. Even if she had cheated the first time this was brought up, I was willing to forgive her because of the guilt I felt for us growing apart.


Classic cheater blameshifting. Waywards often blameshift as a way to assuage their guilt. It is a classic red flag. Problems in the marriage are usually a 50/50 split between the partners.

What does your gut tell you? Not your heart, not your brain...your gut.


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## xsignguyx

Funny thing is she knows my password to my computer and this past Saturday when I got home I noticed some one had been on it. I check the history and saw that all the history and my Facebook history had been checked. I asked her if she had been on it and she said no, so I told her that someone had hacked it then. She then told me she looked to see what I had been saying about her to others. She never found anything of course.


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## xsignguyx

My gut tells me she did cheat.


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## bandit.45

xsignguyx said:


> Funny thing is she knows my password to my computer and this past Saturday when I got home I noticed some one had been on it. I check the history and saw that all the history and my Facebook history had been checked. I asked her if she had been on it and she said no, so I told her that someone had hacked it then. She then told me she looked to see what I had been saying about her to others. She never found anything of course.


Another red flag. She knows you are on to her. Time to go underground.


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## bandit.45

xsignguyx said:


> My gut tells me she did cheat.


Then operate off that assumption. Get a VAR and plant it in her car under the seat. Get a GPS and plant it in the car so you can track her movements. There are lots of ways to gather intel.


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## Manchester

xsignguyx said:


> My gut tells me she did cheat.


One thing you'll never hear in a courtroom is an attorney examining a witness and saying "What does your gut tell you"?

Because what you suspect is happening doesn't count for anything. Too much individual bias, fear, projection, whatever..

You need facts not guts.


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## xsignguyx

The best proof is my brother. I asked him to go over what he saw 2 times and he describes it the same way every time. My mom has also asked him if he could be mistaken and said it was definitely her and the guy. He is my big brother and has never interfered with my life before and has nothing to gain by lieing.


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## TheTruthHurts

Cheaters often assume the BS is cheating too. That's why she looked at your FB. She knows how easy it was to cheat on you so she wanted to check up on you.

I don't take sh1t from people like this, personally I would start hitting the gym hard, lose weight, change my hair, but new clothes, and make myself less available. 

You've already telegraphed that you suspect - normally it's best to lay low so the affair doesn't go underground. You're past that, but if you start to become more independent and self focused... better dressed.... wearing new cologne, etc. she may get distracted by that and start to focus on monitoring you. And it shows you aren't focused on her anymore and she might drop her guard enough to slip up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## xsignguyx

Now that this has happened, I wonder if she has stopped and now I can't catch her. Now I will always be afraid it will happen again.


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## Manchester

The way I see it you have 2 choices.

1- Accept that she has cheated and there is no other explanation for what you have been told, and end the marriage.
2- Sleep with one eye open until and unless something else happens.

Doesn't seem to me you have enough solid evidence so you just might have to live in limbo. If nothing else happens over time and she's responsive to you and sex is good and all of that, then maybe you can finally start to relax again.


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## Tatsuhiko

I think you can be certain that she cheated. Yes, she bought sexy underwear because she lost weight. But she neglected to mention that the reason she lost weight was to look good for her f*ckbuddy.

I think you should lie low for a while and let her feel comfortable. It's more likely she'll make a mistake that way. 

There is a keylogging device you can put directly between a USB keyboard and computer to catch everything she types. This way you don't need to know her password or anything. This would not work on her laptop, obviously, but could work on her other computer, if it's a desktop model. If you're really desperate to know, you could break her laptop when she's not looking, forcing her to use the desktop to contact him. 

I once heard of a very clever betrayed spouse who put a mini spy camera above the couch where his wife used her computer. He was able to get a video of her typing her password, and then had access to everything. 

But your best bet is to locate the "crazy" woman who contacted you and find out exactly what proof she has. 

Good luck. We're all pulling for you.


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## xsignguyx

The "crazy lady" said back in April that her teenage daughter is the one that seen her dad's private Facebook messages to my wife and told her about it. She later said that the man amitted it to his daughter that they had someone going on.


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## MarriedDude

OP...you have all you need. 

I can promise you...that if you don't take a firm stand...right now...and start proceedings....she will NEVER respect you again (not that it sounds like she does now). 

Unless you are willing to blow up your marriage...you will never be able to save it. Have the marriage and the wife you want...don't settle for this BS


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## Marc878

xsignguyx said:


> The "crazy lady" said back in April that her teenage daughter is the one that seen her dad's private Facebook messages to my wife and told her about it. She later said that the man amitted it to his daughter that they had someone going on.


She's crazy is cheater script. Call her up and see what she has to say. I'm assuming this is the other man in questions wife?


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## ABHale

xsignguyx said:


> Now that this has happened, I wonder if she has stopped and now I can't catch her. Now I will always be afraid it will happen again.


There is only one way to solve this. 

Tell her "Fine, if you won't be honest with me then there is no need for use to be together. There are signs I have seen that point to something going on as well as my brother catching the two of you together. It time for you to leave."

You have to be willing to lose the marriage if you want to save it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale

To go with what I said above. 

Do not wait for an answer. Just walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eric1

xsignguyx said:


> The best proof is my brother. I asked him to go over what he saw 2 times and he describes it the same way every time. My mom has also asked him if he could be mistaken and said it was definitely her and the guy. He is my big brother and has never interfered with my life before and has nothing to gain by lieing.


Tell her this: (Acting all excited)

"I have great news. I think I have a way to clear the air between us. That place by brother said he saw you guys has a camera in the parking lot. The owner said that he couldn't give us the tapes but that we could go to his place and he'd let us see them. My brother is meeting us there, let's go!"

All you need is what he face looks like the three seconds after you see that. Arrange it with your brother for him to call you and let you know that they owner is now unwilling to show the tapes. You will already have all of the information that you need.


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## browser

If she's like most cheaters her instinctive reflex reaction to that will be to express anger and say things such as "You still don't believe me, I'm not playing this game anymore!". She'll refuse to go because either 1) she thinks its a bluff or 2) she will have to explain who the guy is in the tape.

In her mind if she just continues to deny she'll get away with it. She'll probably think in that split second when she's asked to view the tapes that if she just refuses she'll have time to come up with another explanation to explain it all away.

Then the Op will be sitting there basically with a "called bluff" and no where to go with it.


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## straightshooter

OP,

DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING?

Notice what you have been told here by a bunch of strangers. The opinion range from you do not know enough to yes she is cheating, which is obviously what you believe. notice no one said it all appears innocent and you are imagining things. 

So you are totally locked out of her electronics but she has access to yours. Do you see something wrong there???? Guarding the phone and FB are the two easiest and most obvious red flags. And now that you are suspicious, she is trying to lull you into a coma with sex. my friend, this is not unique and the remedies for you are SIMPLE 

you either
(1) accept that she will continue to cheat and you will be in limbo indefinitely
(2) go into investigative mode and find out the truth.

there is no "in between".

Should you be wise and choose option #2, i suggest you immediately do the following

(1) install a VAR in her car. That will cost you less than $100 and you will get your answers in less than a week if she is meeting this guy for sex or anything else. if your brother was correct and their cars were together, you can bet your last dollar they are talking on the phone.
(2) go online and buy a semen detection kit. Women do not buy sexy lingerie, wear it and not wanting their husbands to see it, over weight loss. if she was not up to no good she would be wanting to show it off to you.
(3) since you have no access to her phone ( and do not ask for it now) put a GPS tracker on her car.

These simple steps will get you your answers quicker and more accurately than fishing for answers from her. She is alerted now and is not going to tell you squat.

There is an old saying here and that is to "trust your gut". And your gut brought you here.

Also google "Signs your wife is cheating" and my bet is you will find more red flags.

Now if you choose option #1 above , which is to do nothing but fet and wonder, there is no advice here that can help you.

make the right choice


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## xsignguyx

My biggest problem is my mind goes from one extreme to the other. I think about it logically and realize it must be truth and ready to leave. Then I feel concerned for her and that I want to stay with her. It is really driving me crazy. I just wish I had hard evidence that would justify me leaving. I just wish my brother would have taken a picture of there vehicles together. All she keeps saying is that there are other cars like hers. But what are the odds of him seeing her get in her car drive off, the truck across the road follow behind her and then end up behind a building at the end of a parking lot side by side. When he followed them he said he lost them for a few seconds because some other cars were between him and them. I just don't think its possible that a car exactly like hers ends up with the same truck. The only explanation would be that my brother was lying, and I don't think he would do that, because he has never done anything like that before.


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## JohnA

Hi xsignguyx, 

Good for you recognizing the part you played in creating a toxic situation in your marriage. Work on this element of your personality going forward only for your benefit. Marriage is for adults, not children. Adults handle toxic situations in a health manner, not engaging in adultey. Her choice is on her and defines her not you. 

Ask yourself why crazy lady is crazy. She is crazy because her husband is a player. You haven't seen more red flags because he coached her not to get caught. He is still coaching her and helping her take the adultery even more underground. Stay where you are in several years you will be that crazy guy. Unfortunately you do not have PM or I would send you several posts I have saved. There are two that come to mind so I will tax the patience of long time posters by pasting. The first is about POS. 



A player:

Thus was posted by a player who posted this. *What BS needs to understand that the void in a player is only within themselves and will never be filled. *Literary it is a case of it really is them and only them. *
Understand the player will always be looking for his next fix in an endorse quest to fill an unfillabke void.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
findingmyway is offline Forward Message*


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## JohnA

Her blame shifting is classic DARVO do not accept this response from her 

What is DARVO?

Jennifer J. Freyd, University of Oregon

Short Definition

DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.


Disclaimers

DARVO as a concept is based on observation and analysis. The author has not yet published systematic empirical research testing the coherence or frequency of DARVO. However, the first empirical research specifically testing the concept of DARVO is completed and the manuscript report is in preparation (Harsey, Zurbriggen, & Freyd, in prep).
Other observers have likely noted the same phenomena and related phenomena using different terms; the author has been informed that some people have found the term DARVO a helpful mnemonic and organizing concept.
Also the presense of DARVO is not necessarily evidence in support of the accusation of guilt; a truly innocent person may deny an accusation, attack the person making the accusation, or claim the victim role. Future research may be able to determine the probability of a DARVO response as a function of guilt or innocence. The author hypothesized that some sorts of denials and reactions such as DARVO are more likely when the perpetrator is guilty than innocent (Freyd, 1997); however this hypothesis has not yet been tested. Furthermore, even if research indicates that a DARVO reaction is more likely when there is actual guilt, it would be an error to use a DARVO reaction as proof of guilt.
For now the concept of DARVO is offered as potentially memorable and useful term for anticipating the behavior of perpetrators when held accountable, and for making sense of responses that may otherwise be confusing (particularly when victim and offender get reversed).*
History of Terminology & Writings about DARVO

Jennifer Freyd introduced the term "DARVO" near the end of a 1997 publication about her primary research focus, "betrayal trauma theory." (For more on betrayal trauma theory, see Definition of Betrayal Trauma Theory.)

The reference for the 1997 article introducing the term is:

Freyd, J.J. (1997) Violations of power, adaptive blindness, and betrayal trauma theory. Feminism & Psychology, 7, 22-32.

In that paper Freyd explained that DARVO responses may be effective for perpetrators. "...I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior. This attack, intended to chill and terrify, typically includes threats of law suits, overt and covert attacks on the whistle-blower's credicility, and so on..... [T]he offender rapidly creates the impression that the abuser is the wronged one, while the victim or concerned observer is the offender. Figure and ground are completely reversed... The offender is on the offense and the person attempting to hold the offender accountable is put on the defense." (Freyd, 1997, p 29-30)

"By denying, attacking and reversing perpetrators into victims, reality gets even more confusing and unspeakable for the real victim. .... These perpetrator reactions increase the need for betrayal blindness. If the victim does speak out and gets this level of attack, she quickly gets the idea that silence is safer." (Veldhuis & Freyd, 1999. p 274).

It didn't happen (an instance) or It rarely happens (a type of event)
It wasn't harmful
Put together they can take the form: "It didn't happen, but if it did, it wasn't that bad" or "It rarely happens, but when it does it isn't harmful." The two claims both serve to deny, but they depend upon different sorts of evidence. They may both be true, but they are sometimes somewhat suspicious when claimed simultaneously (or by the same person at different times), as for instance can occur in response to allegations of rape or child sexual abuse.

Here is the link*What is DARVO?
Hat tip to @marduk*


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## JohnA

Finally some good links fir you to explore and ponder 


Basic links*

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/10964-steps-stop-affair.html

What is DARVO?

Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums



Be well


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## bojangles

xsignguyx said:


> I have been married for nine years. My wife and I have grown apart for the last 3 years. She would always bring up the issue and I would not face the problem and just try to stay out of arguments. During winter I noticed every time she left the room she would log out of facebook. And then I noticed she stated wearing Victoria secret underwear. In April a lady accused her of having an affair with her husband. My wife denied it and her family said the accusing woman was a crazy lady that couldn't be trusted. I did check me cell phone bill and the man's number was only on the history once, the day of the accusing and it was just one text sent by him. My wife said she didn't receive the text. We talked about it she said nothing was going on. We did talk about us and we would try to work on things. She started getting distant from me again. I also noticed a lot of small suspicious things she did. Then 3 weeks ago my brother told me he saw the man's truck waiting near my wife's work and she got in her car, drove off and he drove behind her. My brother followed them and lost them for a few seconds. He drove behind a nearby business and saw both vehicles parked beside each other at the end of the parking lot. My wife said it wasn't her and that there are other cars like hers. All of a sudden she wants to work on our marriage. We have talked about it 3 times and She denies it. When we talk about it, I start feeling sorry for her and start to believe her, but when we are apart I think about it logically and it seems true. I'm so confused.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OM was coaching your wife to be stealthy and keep communications off their cell phones. He's done this before. The one text was a warning shot to your WW that OMW was headed her/your way. ...if I had to guess.


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## browser

xsignguyx said:


> My biggest problem is my mind goes from one extreme to the other. The only explanation would be that my brother was lying, and I don't think he would do that, because he has never done anything like that before.


You need to take the incident described by your brother and just shelf it. Put it to the side in your mind and whenever you start to go there focus on something else.

Take from that incident that there is a strong possibility that your wife is cheating, and if so, she will likely continue and THEN you will get the evidence you need to move forward. There are lots of ways to monitor her activity, if you do enough reading here you will find lots of information on the various techniques as well as sure fire symptoms she will exhibit that point to cheating.

But don't go backwards and second guess everything you have been told and try to make sense out of it, there's nothing more you can do with that and it's just going to make you crazy.


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## Talker67

xsignguyx said:


> Months ago I first found them doing laundry for her. I have never seen them before that. I have mentioned this to her and she said she got them because she lost weight.


this would not fly in my house, because pretty much many times a day I am lifting my wife's skirt and checking out her panties....as a start. lol

But I do not know your lifestyle. do you have regular sex with her? Do you flirt and rub her body when you two are together, or is your marriage mostly asexual? the answer to that will tell you if she is telling the truth or not.


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## Talker67

browser said:


> Take from that incident that there is a strong possibility that your wife is cheating, and if so, she will likely continue and THEN you will get the evidence you need to move forward. .


and for gawd's sake, do not run and TELL HER every time you find something! Keep it to yourself until you have enough info to figure it all out. If you tell her stuff along the way you found, she will just deny it all, gaslight you, and take the affair (if she is having one) underground


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## browser

^ Good point. If you find something more definite you will have an almost uncontrollable urge to confront her about it but if it's not completely air tight then she'll squirm out of it, you won't be any closer to knowing if it's a fact, you'll be even more confused and miserable and she'll be on high alert and be much more difficult to catch the next time. 

You need to prepare for this and play it cool when it happens.


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## Lostinthought61

If you want the truth....fine, and what i woudl suggest is that you approach her and tell her that there is one way to prove all of this and that is with a polygraph if she had nothing to hide....to be honest....i don't think you want the truth...i think you want to live in denial.


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## ABHale

If you do not fix this now, it will destroy what is left of your marriage. You constantly thinking about it will erode the love you still have for her till you feel nothing. 

You need to put this to rest one way or another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xsignguyx

There are 2 more suspicious things that happened that I didn't mention before. Back in April after the first incident I signed up for Facebook. She knew I signed up the same night. The next day I looked him up on Facebook and couldn't find him. I then made up another account and found his page. How did he block me so quickly? The 2nd thing is back in Feb a deep snow blocked the lane I lived on. A guy on a tractor came and cleared the lane. There are about 5 houses there so I figured one of them had it done. I remember being nice and waving at the guy thru the glass door and my wife told me to get out of the door and let him work. Turns out the guy on the tractor was the same guy!


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## JohnA

Did you think about why OMs wife is "crazy"? You are gaining on her. Work on being independent of her. Look into the 180.


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## Evinrude58

Stop all the lunacy.

Your wife was washing sexy lingerie and you have never seen them? Dude, that's laughable. That one thing alone is all the proof you need.

Yet, your own brother told you he saw her in her car with another man, and you doubt him? More lunacy. A man doesn't tell his brother that his wife is meeting another many less he's damn sure.

Now another "crazy" woman says she cheated with her husband.

You're still wondering? 
What do you want, a video of them screwing?

Oh, and she's been "distant". 
Yeah , I'll bet she has.

You ask if she's cheating?
Yep, she's cheating.
I'll say it again. Yes, your wife has cheated, and doesn't love you. No kids?
No brainier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise

xsignguyx said:


> My biggest problem is my mind goes from one extreme to the other. I think about it logically and realize it must be truth and ready to leave. Then I feel concerned for her and that I want to stay with her. It is really driving me crazy. I just wish I had hard evidence that would justify me leaving. I just wish my brother would have taken a picture of there vehicles together. All she keeps saying is that there are other cars like hers. But what are the odds of him seeing her get in her car drive off, the truck across the road follow behind her and then end up behind a building at the end of a parking lot side by side. When he followed them he said he lost them for a few seconds because some other cars were between him and them. I just don't think its possible that a car exactly like hers ends up with the same truck. The only explanation would be that my brother was lying, and I don't think he would do that, because he has never done anything like that before.


And you keep trying to convince yourself.


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## SashaSl

She is cheating. So what? I'm cheating, my husband is cheating too... At first I was jealous... even fought his mistresses.... Now we have open marriage... Its good for everyone. Maybe you should try open marriage too?

Отправлено с моего D6503 через Tapatalk


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## anchorwatch

HTML:







SashaSl said:


> She is cheating. So what? I'm cheating, my husband is cheating too... At first I was jealous... even fought his mistresses.... Now we have open marriage... Its good for everyone. Maybe you should try open marriage too?
> 
> Отправлено с моего D6503 через Tapatalk


Ooookay... That's the best you can offer on an opening post? lol


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## MattMatt

SashaSl said:


> She is cheating. So what? I'm cheating, my husband is cheating too... At first I was jealous... even fought his mistresses.... Now we have open marriage... Its good for everyone. Maybe you should try open marriage too?
> 
> Отправлено с моего D6503 через Tapatalk


Sorry to micturate on your bag of chips. but STDs, children in either or both marriage and other variables mean that cheating and open marriages are probably not the way forward.


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