# Am I Being Stupid



## usga77 (Apr 6, 2011)

I am 33 years old male and have been married for almost 10 years. Have to childern 8 and 6. My marriage is falling apart. I am not in love with her anymore. We haven't had sex in over 3 years and there is no spark or romance. She wants to try and make things better but I think I am done and want a divorce. 

I have recently met another women that is the most amazing person that I have ever met. She loves me and I am in love with her.

What should I do.

Thanks


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

That's not nearly enough information for me to give any advice.

If someone were to aim a gun at your child, would you take the bullet to save their life?

Then, why are you not willing to at least work with your wife, cut out this affair that never works out well, and go to marriage counseling for your kids' happiness?

I'm guessing your feelings for your wife really fell off the cliff after you met this woman. This new woman showed you what you were missing, yada, yada, yada. Affairs pull your heart away from your wife because its easier to fall in love with someone new and chase that artificial feeling than work on yourself and put an effort into honoring your marriage commitment.

I've never heard anyone's story about meeting their current partner as, "well, we met while I was married, had an affair for a while, so I divorced my wife, and we've been together ever since!" The secrecy and excitement of doing something bad fuels the passion in affairs. Once there's no secret and its just you and her sharing a life together, guess what - goodbye passion again.

Your relationship with the other woman is likely to be a bad one too. know why? because it shares one of the key ingredients with your current one - YOU!

Yes, I'm jumping to tons of conclusions here, but it really pisses me off that so many people take their role as mother or father so lightly. You're a dad now - that means putting the needs of your children above your own. If your wife is willing to work on things in your marriage and you're not willing to try, then your being selfish and setting a bad example for your kids.


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## usga77 (Apr 6, 2011)

Here is some more information for you. 

I would do anything for my kids. 

My releationship with my wife has been in trouble well before i met this new women. 2-3 years at least. The new women is also married. she also has 2 kids 13-8. We have spent a tone of time together as families. Hanging out, going on trips and just being around each other. I feel i know her very well. Her good side and her bad side. I have never been loved like she loves me. Never had things said to me like she says.

I asked my wife if she was happy and she said no.

We hardly talk. We hardly do anything together anymore. it is like we are living 2 seperate lives and meeting to look after the kids. 

I realize that a marriage is alot of work and it is not something that you just give up on. I am just so unhappy with the situation and honestly can't see it changing with the current wife. We talked about it a couple years ago and have been trying and it hasn't changed. Nothing has changed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you are that unhappy, file for a divorce and let your wife go. 

But don't lie to your wife about why you want out. Tell her straight up you have been having an affair with a married woman and have your married woman friend tell her husband since both of your spouses have the right to know. 

Affairs always end in mass destruction.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Now that you're in affair, its impossible to improve your current marriage. Its impossible for the heart to be with two women at the same time. The other woman possesses your entire heart and until she's gone, your wife doesn't stand a chance. Affairs create a fog where you start seeing your wife as the enemy and find reasons to justify leaving her. I understand your marriage has sucked for a long time; I'm there too. But you can't honestly say you're still working on it if you're involved with another woman.

Before the affair, what efforts did you make to restore the passion in your marriage? If both of you waited for the other person to show love before you were willing to recirprocate, well that ends up being an unending loop of destructive behavior. Someone has to break that cycle and be the bigger person.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. Dont take this the wrong way. You wanted advise, so your going to get it. That doesnt mean i still wouldnt like to see more comments from you in your quest for answers, though...thats why this site is here....

Get your head out of your A$$! First, tell your wife. I hope you did already. Not telling her makes you a pu$$y, to scared to man up with decisions you need to make.

How long is this affair been going on? Your most likely in the FOG already, so us telling you to stop and at least try to work things out with your wife first are going to fall on deaf ears. You already made up your mind, your addicted, and you wont stop this affair.

You need a dose of reality. Go and look closely at your kids...right now. Real close! Are you willing to only see them at most, 15 days of every month? Are you going to be ok not getting those kisses from them every night before bed? Are you ok with only having them every second birthday, christmas, halloween, and every other major holiday? Are you ok that eventually, in time, your then Ex wife is going to meet someone wonderful, and your kids will eventually be calling him DAD? And which DAD are they going to like more? The one committed to their mom, filling her with love, or the one that broke apart the family.

Now, go look at your wife. Are you ok that she will now start dating again? That she will do amazing things with her new boyfriend that you always wanted to do with her? Are you prepared that she will be giving BJs and hot sex with another man as she willingly lets him slip into her like that? Are you ok that she will eventually get married again and have an awesome life without you?

Now, go look at your ladt paycheck. Are you ok that half of it, maybe more, will go to your wife and kids? Are you ok that date nights will be much harder to pull off with your girlfriend with half the income, two mortgages, and a sh$tload of new furniture your going to have to finance in your new diggs? 

Now, go look at your house and cars. Say goodbye to the house. Its either now your wife's, or you just sold it to split the assets. Like that car? Well, after financing your new diggs, along with those puano lessons and baseball game weekends with your kids, you ay need to trade it in for some more financially responsible model.

Now, go look at your girlfriend. Oh sh$t! She just left your a$$. How come? Oh yeah! All that complaining to her about how your ex is sucking the financial life out of you was just too much for her. I mean, come on! Who wants to hear that crap all day. You complain too much. She decided to find a real man that h as it together. Besides, she really loved your BMW, but you had to trade that in for a Ford Taurus so your kids can go to camp this year. She HATES Fords. Seriously! Plus, ypur getting fat! You cant go to the gym anymore because you had to cancel your membership to finance little Suzie's piano lessons this year, because those divorce lawyers sucked the rest of your income away...what was left, that is.

Look. Not trying to be mean, but eventually, these are questions you need to ask yourself. But hey?! If you dont really want to truly at least try to work things out with your wife to see if it actually could work...well, hey...who am i to judge.

Best wishes, friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

[email protected] alpha, I thought I was being direct and jumping to conclusions.

Look usga.. put another way, do you want to be the man that ran from his problems and avoided them, or one that dealt with them with his head held high knowing you acted in a way that won't disgust your kids later when they find out?

It is very cowardly if you don't tell your wife about the affair. It's not fair that she has to think you're leaving her because she's not doing this or that to please you, when in reality no wife has a chance against the fog of an affair.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Im not jumping to conclusions, really. This is more like an anecdote to reality. USG, we all deserve to be happy, but there are consequences to everything you do. If you can look at the list, and honestly say to yourself, "Im ok with that. I dont think i want to even try to fix things.", then by all means go pursue your dream life. 

In the end, it may come to this anyways...who knows. Thats for both you and your wife to decide.

As before, take care. And please try not to hurt those in your life any more than necessary from this scenario.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usga77 (Apr 6, 2011)

Thanks everyone who provided some of there thoughts and opinions. I take nothing personally from any of you. alphaomega you put alot of it in prespective. I do love my kids. I will miss them like crazy if I decide to leave. I will miss there kisses and hugs. Will I care about someone else having sex with her. No I won't. 

I love the new ones kids as well. I care for them already as much as I do my own. The new one is alot more then an affair. Yes she is new and shinney but I can see past that. We have some pretty deep conversations about the future and plans and we are totally on the same page. From Raising the kids to where we are going to live to holidays we are going to take etc. 

I don't take this whole situation lightly. I hate sneeking around behind peoples backs. That is why I came on here and asked for your guy's opinions. I appreciate all the help and insight. 

Thanks so much.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

@alphaomega, that was awesome. A bit on the extreme, but seriously, this forum needs more straight-talkers.

@usga77, you've already made your decision - you're just here to poke at your conscience to see if it's still there. Sorry if that came across as harsh, but you don't seem like a very sensitive person.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

HoopsFan said:


> That's not nearly enough information for me to give any advice.
> 
> If someone were to aim a gun at your child, would you take the bullet to save their life?
> 
> ...


Amen!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

To answer the title of your thread, well kinda.

If your unhappy in your marriage then end it. There is no justification for the affair. NONE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaleigh (Jun 23, 2011)

Please listen to this. My name is Kaleigh and I'm 18 years old. When I was little, my dad left my mom for another woman. He's been married to her ever since and seems to be pretty happy with himself, but I can't tell you the magnitude of the pain I've experienced as a result of his decision. I can't tell you to stop. But I can tell you, only proceed if you want your children to ask questions like, "What's so wrong with me that Daddy wouldn't stay?" (Yes, they'll think it was their fault.) "Why doesn't Daddy love Mommy?" 

No offense, but I feel like I've lived long enough to be able to say, is it so much to ask that the husband loves the wife? YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT WILL HURT YOUR KIDS. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. 

My father loved me a lot when I was little and he tried everything to make room for me in his life, but I can also tell you that despite the strongest mutual effort to make things right, it was impossible. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR WIFE, IT WILL BE TOO LATE TO EVER FIX IT. 

I can also tell you that regardless of the years of trying to make things work, everything ended with my father refusing to come to my graduation and sending me and email telling me, "I can't begin to express how much I hate you." And do you know what's worse? I didn't even cry. Because I have learned that my father is a man incapable of making the rational adult decision. Once he decided to do something for the sake of pleasure, he was never able to make selfless decisions again. And it hurts. Terribly. I can't even tell you how much it hurts to not have a dad. I'd rather have a sucky dad than no dad. Please though...if you want your kids...at all...keep your wife. No level of dissatisfaction in a marriage can justify the irreparable damage you will do to your kids. I could write a BOOK on how much being a divorce kid sucks. I won't even begin to tell you how jealous your kids will be of the other woman's kids. That's a whoooooooooole other ball game. Please please please take my word for it. You will pay for every moment you spend with a woman who is not your wife.

Or at least...your kids will.


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## Peaches6189 (Jun 21, 2011)

Wow - Alphaomega you really put this situation in perspective. Thank you so much! 

USGA77 - TELL YOUR WIFE!!!! This is the woman who has stuck with you for 10 years, put up with a lack of respect and affection, and is still willing to keep trying. You both took vows. You promised before God to love, honor, cherish, and be faithful to her. Yet you seem more than willing to throw that aside. 

This is the woman who gave birth to your children! It is obvious you do not love or respect her and you care nothing about anyone else's feelings, but your own. That includes your own children. How can you say you love this other woman's children as much as your own? They are not your children and she is not your wife. If you have already discussed where you will live, take vacations, etc... you are already done. 

Are you being stupid? The answer is yes! The better question is are you being selfish and immoral? The answer to that is unequivocally... YES! 

Man up and tell your wife what you have done, then mve on and let this poor woman go. She deserves at least that much from you.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Kaleigh,

You have a lot of wisdom for such a young person. And by far too much pain for your age too.

Go put your iPod on. Listen to music. Watch movies with your friends. Laugh. Enjoy. Be silly. It saddens me somewhat that you Had to grow up so fast. there will be plenty of time later for you to be serious. Now should not be that time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

I too grew up with divorced parents Kaleigh. I know exactly what you describe. Although I've never doubted their love and have always had a good relationship with them, I know it was only a good relationship for the circumstances. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I even really know what it means to have a good relationship with my parents. How does my experience compare to a kids whose parents stuck it out? I was very young when they divorced and have no memory of what it was like having them together. Even still, I can remember as old as twelve or thirteen lying in bed PRAYING that somehow we could be a complete family again. I didn't know what I was missing but still longed for it. I was loved. I was cared for. It was not a bitter arrangement. But it took something away from me that I can never have. Something was taken from me without regard to how I might have felt about it. My sister was a little bit older than me. she does remember things I don't. She's now 31 years old and still harbors unrelenting resentment for both my parents. Her life is a disaster. Drugs, 5 kids, no job... Could I honestly sit here and blame my sisters failure on my parents. No. She has made her own choices in life just as you and I. But if you ask her? She will tell you it has EVERYTHING to do with our parents splitting up our family. She hates them both for it.


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