# Does anyone here schedule sex?



## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

I'm wondering if anyone on here regularly schedules sex with their spouse?

My husband and I are currently scheduled to have our first appointment with a sex therapist in 2 weeks, in the mean time we thought we'd give scheduling sex a try.
It seems so far from what we are used to but we figure anything is worth a shot. If it works for us, great. If not then we'll just have to move on and try something else, no big deal.

Right now we are having sex on average once a week, although many times we've gone 2 weeks without. Generally someone (usually me) tries to initate sex every other day or so, but the other person turns them down for whatever reason (tired, not in the mood, etc..).
When we sat down to write out the schedule, my husband actually was more assertive about picking days (which surprised me). The schedule is written out so that, unless one of us becomes ill and can't preform, we should be having sex every 2-3 days.

I'm not too worried about lack of romance or anything like that; I figure there never was much romance to begin with and we can still keep things spicy via role plays, costumes, light bondage, etc.. Plus we have our monthly date night which has always helped boost our emotional intimacy, even if it left the physical lacking. We really are like best friends and have the best relationship when you take sex out of the equation.

If you regularly schedule sex with your spouse, would you be willing to talk about your experiences in doing so? Was it awkward to write out the schedule? Did it help you reconnect physically? Were you eventually able to wean off using a schedule and still have an active sex life? Did it become a negative experience or a trigger for fighting?
- Good, Bad- Any personal experiences would be welcome. I'd love to hear from people who have tried this.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

We don`t schedule per say but the wife expects sex every Saturday night.

This is a holdover from when our boys were young and went to their fathers for the weekend.

There was no one home so we could get crazy.
The boys have grown and stopped going to their fathers years ago but the schedule Saturday nights have continued.

The rest of the week is up for grabs, she initiates or I initiate it just happens.

Saturday night is the night she breaks out the toys and oils and kinky stuff.
The rest of the week is pretty vanilla.

:0


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While scheduled sex might sound sooo unromantic and not spontaneous, it’s a date.. just like any other date. The spontaneity can be the thing one of you introduces to the date.. I think it could be a lot of fun with putting just a bit of thought into it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I've had an informal schedule before. No big deal. It's just sex, not rocket science. Don't try to place more significance on the act than belongs there.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Currently it's not "scheduled" but I have to satisfy her at least once a day otherwise I'll owe her two the next day, etc etc.


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

Since the kids came along it has had to be scheduled otherwise it ain't happenin'! It means we look fwd to it and chat about what we're going to do, etc. It can be kinda cool. Anytime, Anywhere, Anyhow was great before the kids - just not workable now!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I expect it every other day. 

My husband has also added one weekend a month which is spent lovemaking and cuddling.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I just mentioned some sort of schedule to my H. As it stands right now we have somewhat of an unspoken schedule of either Saturday or Sunday with maybe once during the week. My husband would like it at least once more during the week. Doesn't seem too far fetched, and maybe that can help with my low libido too. I'm interested in other posters thoughts on scheduling as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Sure. 

With busy schedules and work travel, etc., we do this a lot.

Maybe if you have flexible schedules and you're getting it regularly, you need not. But if you find you're not having enough time for sex, and you'd both like to have more, pencil it in.

It may not sound hot. But trust me, you'll be glad you did!


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Tonight is the night. Our first scheduled encounter. Its only 7:20am here so I've got a whole day to wrap my head around it, lol. This is the first time since my wedding day that I've woken up in the morning knowing that I'd get to have sex that night.

I am thinking that I'm very grateful that our son (3 years) is a good sleeper. He knows when his bedtime is and doesn't fight it. His best friend apparently wakes up 2-6 times randomly throughout the night and I can't help but wonder how that might negatively effect the parent's sex lives...
I will admit though that I miss day-time naps because there were a few times my husband and I utilized day-time naps for our own personal benefits- its so much better because you're fully awake but not as exhausted as you are at the end of the day. Can't do that anymore since the kiddo phased out naps. Oh well. Someday he'll move out and it'll just be the two of us in the house, then we can fun in the daytime again, lol!

Well, I'm off to go shower and shave. Gotta pull out the prenatal yoga moves to get a clean shave these days but its worth it. My orgasms are always so much stronger when I'm pregnant.
(Another thing I know I should be grateful for- as many problems as my husband and I have sexually, the problems never seem to be effected by pregnancy. I know alot of couples have more problems with sex during pregnancy but ours don't seem to be any better nor worse. Only thing that changes when I'm knocked up is that I'm on top more often, lol.)

Can you tell I'm in a good mood?
I'm nervous as hell but I woke up in a good mood just knowing how the day is going to end. Its like a light at the end of the tunnel, something to look foward to.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

There are other posts about this. I am not sure what you are going to a sex therapist for. It must be you have other problems as well.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

With kids in the house and me on a 24-6 on-call work schedule, yes, we have to plan ahead for sex.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

UnwantedWife said:


> Tonight is the night. Our first scheduled encounter. Its only 7:20am here so I've got a whole day to wrap my head around it, lol. This is the first time since my wedding day that I've woken up in the morning knowing that I'd get to have sex that night.
> 
> I am thinking that I'm very grateful that our son (3 years) is a good sleeper. He knows when his bedtime is and doesn't fight it. His best friend apparently wakes up 2-6 times randomly throughout the night and I can't help but wonder how that might negatively effect the parent's sex lives...
> I will admit though that I miss day-time naps because there were a few times my husband and I utilized day-time naps for our own personal benefits- its so much better because you're fully awake but not as exhausted as you are at the end of the day. Can't do that anymore since the kiddo phased out naps. Oh well. Someday he'll move out and it'll just be the two of us in the house, then we can fun in the daytime again, lol!
> ...


I hope it was a good night for you!


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## BALANCE (Nov 18, 2011)

We just started a sex schedule in December. We've been having some issues in the marriage and are just coming off a "sex break."

So far it seems to be working. What it lacks in spontaneity it makes up for with anticipation. In our case we scheduled it for once a week on certain days. Then we added an option to have sex on un-scheduled days too but that we would never "skip" the scheduled days.

Some people seem to look at scheduled sex as "unromantic" or a chore, but it's no less romantic than a scheduled date night.


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## janemilda (Dec 21, 2011)

We don't "schedule" sex, exactly, although I do follow certain rules for it in terms of scheduling. I try to make sure we do it a minimum of every 2-3 days, otherwise Hubby gets cranky. And we have two young kids, so some weeks we do have to plan ahead.

I find that knowing we're planning to have sex that night actually does make it a little hotter. We both spend the day anticipating the evening event.


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

My wife makes the schedule. It seems it is every leap year.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

accept said:


> There are other posts about this. I am not sure what you are going to a sex therapist for. It must be you have other problems as well.


Accept, this is the second time that you've commented on one of my posts saying "you must have other problems as well."
I really don't know what it is that you have such an issue with understanding nor why my posts seem to bother you so much, but really and truly, my marriage is wonderful. Every problem that we've ever had, every fight we've ever had, has always boiled down to the fact that my libido is so much higher than my husband's.
Our differing libidos have driven a wedge between us, first physically and then emotionally. We've tried dealing with the emotional aspects of our problem, but that only puts a bandaid on the issue, we MUST first fix the physical aspects of our relationship otherwise anything we find which is helpful will only be helpful temporarily.

And the reason we are seeing a sex therapist rather than a traditional marriage counselor is because the sex therapist is specifically trained to help couples with differing libidos. Whereas a marriage counselor would have us sift through all the emotional aspects of our relationship before dealing with the physical, which is the opposite of what we need. I say this not because it is my personal opinion, but because it was what was reccommended to us by the trained professional who did our phone consultation when we first registered with the counselling agency.

If you don't understand something or need further clarification, feel free to ask a question. In the mean time, I have found your posts to be the least helpful of all the persons' in this online community.
For someone with the user name 'accept,' you don't seem to be very accepting.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

First scheduled session down. Next one is on Friday (tomorrow).
It was...interesting. In some ways there was a kind of anticipation that was buliding and that was exciting. But then at the same time there was also an awkwardness about the evening leading up to it. For about two hours after our son's bedtime, we just sat and talked while we each worked on separate Christmas projects. The entire time I was thinking, "how does this work? should I mention it? what if he forgot we had plans?"
So finally, after two hours of nice chit-chat and getting some much needed holiday stuff done, I said, "so what time were you planning on heading to bed? are you getting tired?" And he told me at that point he had an hour left of work to do and then after that hour he wanted to spend some time with me.
True to his word, he finished his project within the next hour and then he lead me upstairs. It wasn't the worst sex I've ever had. Wasn't anything to write home about but at least I felt like we were both there in the moment. He actually looked at me and touched me and all the things he hasn't been doing these past months. I felt wanted by him.

Perhaps taking the guess work out of who initates sex and how made it easier for him to just enjoy it? I know it sounds weird but just knowing that the sex was going to happen seemed to take the pressure off both of us.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes, right after the Mayan apocalypse.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Yikes...there are some people on here with bleak outlooks on sex....


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Update:
Yesterday was not a scheduled sex day so I was surprised to find that my husband was very grabby and spent almost the entire day flirting with me. We didn't have sex, neither of us tried to initiate sex, but the flirting was amazing and it really put me in a good mood.

Today that flirting has continued. And its not just the physical of spanking each other's bottoms from time to time. We are also making jokes and laughing together. Its been a wonderful couple of days!
We are scheduled to have sex tonight. Our son goes to bed in about 30 minutes so I guess we'll see how the night goes after kiddo is in bed.

Right now I'm not sure what is helping, if its the schedule or if Christmas has just put us all in a wonderful mood but either way, I'm enjoying having my husband *here* both mentally and physically. This is the first time in months that he's seemed relaxed and happy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's quite nice to have a day or two off not having to worry about duty as well, I don't like all these scheduling, but that's just me


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

*sigh*
it figures that as soon as I get comfortable admiting that I've been happy these past couple days, something had to go and screw that up.

There was alittle miscommunication about our plans for the night. After our son was in bed, my husband immediately wanted to clean the kitchen so he did that. Then he came to me and immediately wanted me to bake him Christmas cookies, so I did. Then, once the Christmas cookies were finished, I tried to get him to take a shower with me but he thought I was wanting to shower alone so he didn't join me. Once I got out of the shower and came downstairs, he was sleeping on the couch. I was disappointed but I could tell he was exhausted so I just woke him up to take him to bed (he has a bad back and he'd be in pain for a week if I let him continue to sleep on the couch) and as soon as I woke him up he reacted by being PISSED. Not at me and not because I woke him up. He was pissed that he fell asleep. I tried to be as understanding and calm as I could but he was so angry at himself for falling asleep instead of staying awake to have sex with me. He kept cursing himself and the more I tried to calm him down and tell him everything was fine and it wasn't a big deal, the more upset he got. In the end I just got frustrated and told him "fine, you want to spend your night being pissed off about something silly then go right ahead, I'll see you in the morning"
Now I'm just wrapping gifts and surfing online. He brooded for awhile then he went to bed.

His reaction was so off the handle irrational, and very out of character. I tried to explain to him that if he was tired, it was ok to go to bed. I understood and I wasn't upset at all. I didn't care about the sex, I only wanted us to both go to bed on good terms so that we could wake up and start our holiday in a good mood. I don't want to go to bed angry just to wake up angry on Christmas Eve.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Many many moons ago when I was on the dating seen, sex was kinda scheduled. If I was to go out on a date..... dinner - movie... drinks... I usually knew sex would follow. That sex was always scheduled days in advance and that was something to look forward too.

With married life scheduled sex is always better. I have ALL day to think about it. I am now scheduling sex every night for a week whether she wants it or not...I am on night #3 of scheduled sex... wish me luck


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Not at me and not because I woke him up. He was pissed that he fell asleep. I tried to be as understanding and calm as I could but he was so angry at himself for falling asleep instead of staying awake to have sex with me. He kept cursing himself and the more I tried to calm him down and tell him everything was fine and it wasn't a big deal, the more upset he got.


That sounds like me from time to time trying to escape the missus' fangs, getting worked up and p-ssed off at random BS so I don't have to do the deed. Like calling in a sickey for work lol


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> That sounds like me from time to time trying to escape the missus' fangs, getting worked up and p-ssed off at random BS so I don't have to do the deed. Like calling in a sickey for work lol


That is a tatic he has tried in the past, a couple of times, but it was abit more transparent what he was trying to do at those times. Last night it was harder to tell if thats what he was doing or not.
Especially since I wasn't angry. I repeatedly told him in the most calm and gentle way that I could "I understand, you're tired, its been a long day, its really ok." If he had just been honest about being too tired, I would have been mildly disappointed but I would have appreciated his honesty and we still could have gone to bed on good terms.

The part that stings is the fact that HE was the one who wrote most of the schedule. He was the one who wrote that we should have sex Wednesday and Friday. I was the one who said, "isn't that abit much? I'd be happy but thats WAY more often that we usually do- are you sure you're not biting off more than you can chew?" He assured me that was how he wanted the schedule. So why the hell, when I gave him an open door to make things easier on himself, did he set up a situation in which we'd both be miserable? If he had just been honest about it being too soon for him when we were making the schedule then we could have avoided that whole mess.

This morning I asked him if we were ok and he said, "yeah, I'm fine, you just keep poking at it last night and thats what made me angry"
So according to him my attempts to reassure him where what infuriated him, but according to me, I didn't try to reassure him until *after* he was so pissed off. I guess that just goes along with the saying:
There are three sides to every story; his, hers, and the truth usually lies somewhere in between. *sigh* Only 11 more days until our appointment with the counsellor.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Sometimes we do. We like to have sex while the 8 and 10 year old take a bath together. The play and are self sufficient, so this gives my hubby and I time to do our thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

UnwantedWife said:


> There was alittle miscommunication about our plans for the night. ... I tried to get him to take a shower with me but he thought I was wanting to shower alone so he didn't join me.


So, obviously you need some practice communicating. I suggest English. If you use English to say something to him like, "I would like for you to take a shower with me," then it is unlikely that he will believe you want to take a shower alone. Give it a try.



UnwantedWife said:


> ... as soon as I woke him up he reacted by being PISSED. Not at me and not because I woke him up. He was pissed that he fell asleep. I tried to be as understanding and calm as I could but he was so angry at himself for falling asleep instead of staying awake to have sex with me. He kept cursing himself and the more I tried to calm him down and tell him everything was fine and it wasn't a big deal, the more upset he got.


That may be because he knows that it IS a big deal. Sex is a big deal for you. The two of you went to the trouble to schedule it. And you should go to the trouble of honoring your schedule. So you should have either let him be pissed, which was appropriate, since he was the one putting your schedule at risk. Or, you should have let him rally his energy for some sex.

Things are still trending up, so good luck.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

What is wrong with you oversexed people on TAM (lol)? You have mismatched libidos and most of us don't know your story. Is it really bad (i.e. you want it daily, he monthly), or 2-3X's/wk vs. 2X's/mth? And you are getting excited and nervous over a scheduled night? Has this been an issue from day one or just recently? How old are you and how long together? Don't know the story, just that you sound as if you are over reacting. 

Heck I schedule sex every night, and am lucky if 1X/wk. 

Get over yourself.

Unless there are major issues about the type of sex, frequency, kink...... Why the big deal (and you have a young child to boot)?


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> So, obviously you need some practice communicating. I suggest English. If you use English to say something to him like, "I would like for you to take a shower with me," then it is unlikely that he will believe you want to take a shower alone. Give it a try.
> 
> 
> That may be because he knows that it IS a big deal. Sex is a big deal for you. The two of you went to the trouble to schedule it. And you should go to the trouble of honoring your schedule. So you should have either let him be pissed, which was appropriate, since he was the one putting your schedule at risk. Or, you should have let him rally his energy for some sex.
> ...


You are absolutely right.
In any other situation, I would have been blunt with him about what I wanted and he would have known. I don't usually expect my husband to read my mind because I know thats unreasonable, and I know subtly isn't a strength of his.
If I wanted his help in the kitchen or with our son, there would have been no guessing and no *****-footing around it. I would just open my mouth and ask him for exactly what I wanted.
Thing of it is, I used to be the same way about asking for sexual things. I used to openly and bluntly ask him to shower with me or to drop his pants or to...whatever it was that I was hoping for. But after so many times of him saying "no" I started to get more cautious. Now I'm afraid to straight out ask him for anything sexual because I'm afraid the answer will be no...for three years now the answer has almost always been "no."
But you are right. I need to get back to the way I used to be, and be more direct when I'm wanting something from him- sexual or not. Because I know if I'm not direct then there's no way he could possibly know what it is that I want. I just have to bite the bullet and take the risk that he will say no.


By the way- he came to me directly after putting our son to bed tonight and told me he wanted to make up for yesterday night. He even paused the football ball game and said it could wait to be watched until after we were done. I don't think he's chosen sex with me over a football game since before our son was born (so about 3 years ago).
I can tell that he's making efforts and I greatly appreciate his efforts.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

To all the members who responded with your own experiences in scheduled sex (tacoma, EleGirl, DoYouWoo, FirstYearDown, TallJeff....ya know what- you know who you are and there are too may of you to list so let me just cut to the chase):
THANK YOU for sharing your personal experiences regarding scheduled sex. I feel like, thanks to your knowledge, I'm walking into this alittle more prepared and alittle more reassured. Much appreciated.


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## Erom (Jan 24, 2012)

when the kids were going to be gone for the evening or weekend.... or when we knew in advance we going to have some alone time...


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