# Will the lies get worse?



## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I posted a few weeks agao about my wife asking for a divorce and it catching me off guard...She said she needed to work on herself. She moved has moved out and only goes to the house while I am out of town for work. She has called and apologized for her behavior and said she is scared, all giving me hope she would come around to working on us. She was said she still wants a divorce, but is scared because she can't afford a place to live, her car, or other bills since I have handled it all for the last 5 years and did not know what to do, and she started crying, which is my weak spot.

I have been on the road for 9 days, allowing her to stay in the house and arranging living situations for both of while we work out the divorce details, I agreed not to contest the divorce, and to work on it together without lawyers. All things she wanted and said she needed.

All the while thinking she still cared about me, but was working out her own issues...getting her PT license, drinking to much. Instead, I recieved a call from a friend that she was with another guy being overly chummy. She denied that there was another man in counselling and when she asked me for a divorce.

Do I confront her or just throw in the towel and get an attorney?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I think you know the answer..yes, yes, and yes!!!..something happened for her to ALL OF A SUDDEN? want out..Don't give her anything if you've done nothing wrong for her to act this way..say 'sorry' but you're on your own..


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Lies do get worse. The problem with lies is that they get so out of hand that other lies are needed to prop up the other lies. You are never on a level playing field when a liar is involved.


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## HelpHelp (Feb 9, 2010)

I really was struck by your post as I have gone through a similar situation this past year. The really weird thing is my wife was recently certified as a PT. 

I agree the lies get worse and you need to be on your gaurd. My wife has stopped caring about me and her family. She is like in some sort of trance. 

I feel for you man the only good things I can say is it gets better with time and you can choose to put your energy into a new life rather than grieveing your loss or seeking some sort of revenge.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Thanks for the support everyone. Another quick question, is changing the locks out of line? Calling her dad? So many things are adding up now, that I know she has this guy in my home while I am away. I bought the house and everything in it before I met her and were married. I put her in her car as a Congrats to getting her licence, but she did not get it. Her credit was to bad to get the lease so it is in my name and I am paying for it. Paying for a car I don't drive will never drive and that some other guy is riding around in.

I know what I want to do, but I feel cold doing it. I am going broke handling things for a woman that is cheating on me, I don't care that she moved out, we are still married.

I need help because all my friends and family are as hurt, mad as I am, so their advice is a little more negative. If I follow it I know she will get vindictive and try to hurt me financially and emotionally.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

why feel cold?..you're doing what you need to protect yourself.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You really need to consult with an attorney--the sooner the better.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

My wife just sent me text asking when I will be home tomorrow from business trip. Should I lie to catch her in her lies?


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## klinejac (Jun 16, 2010)

For one, you need to confirm the fact that your wife is actually lying. You do not have any proof of it except what you heard from your friend who may be mistaken.


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## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

If you're going to catch her in her lies, you need to have a plan so it doesn't get out of hand. And you need a purpose other than catcher her lying...because you already have proof of that.

Perhaps you can come back unexpectedly, catch her, tell her you knew about what was going on, and that since she wants a divorce and wants to be with the man there with her, HE needs to help her get her stuff and get out. Now. Oh...and make sure she leaves those car keys with you. It is yours, after all.

But when you do all of that, be calm. Don't yell, be very matter of fact and make sure she gets out of your house. 

Now if you just want to catch her for the sake of proving what you already know is true...don't. You'll end up feeling worse.


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## LoveTeenMommy (Jun 17, 2010)

i think you should catch her in her lies because once you do you'll feel that leaving her is the right thing to do, you dont deserve what she is doing to you, it is going to be hard but you need to leave her because your just going to hurt yourself more.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Of course she is lying..who needs proof..you can't get proof from a liar..your guts tells you she's lying..so I say she's a liar.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I know she is lying, but I still love her and need to see it with my own eyes or hear it from her to help me get closure. I need the final nail in the coffin to accept that it is over and harness the pain and anger.

Should I call her dad? He is a good man and level headed, I know blood is thicker than water, but I believe in my heart he would not approve of her actions. If nothing else he could come get her stuff out of my house.

We have 3 dogs, and I know there is a battle coming over them, I was going to absorb some of her debt to get our French Bulldog...do I do that or send him to me friend where I am moving in a month.

I am so scared about the future, for I am moving across the country, in a month and a half. We were going to plant our roots and start our family. Now I know I will be alone and have a wife that is trying to poison the ground on which I stand.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

The signs are there..do you want to catch her in the act?..if that's what it takes to get past her then that will be hard to do..otherwise just KNOW she is..when I was 21 I caught the mother (my ex) of my first child kissing a guy on my couch when I was supposed to be at work..that was many years ago,but that picture although I have no feeling either way about it anymore is still fresh in my mind, maybe because I was younger, now 17 yrs later, I have a gut feeling and lots of circumstantial proof my current separated wife is cheating, I know she is, she knows I know and still denies it..I guess seeing it for myself might make it go away sooner, even though I know why she did/does it,it still hurts..although I don't love her like you love your wife.

I think out of sight out of mind will work for you.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I don't want to catch her in the act, but just have solid proof, so I can see her face, knowing that I know the truth. She has lamblasted my friend's wife he is cheating on him. And, now she is or could be doing it to me. 

She has always preached about liars and cheaters, so it would be nice to make her face the fact that she is one.

I beleive she uses me traveling for work as her reason and a way to treat it like she is doing nothing wrong.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I got home today to note from my wife. She took all of the pictures of us down and put them in the guest room, hidden away. She siad it is to painful for her to have them up. How can it painfiul for her, she is the one leaving me?

I am meeting with the attorney tomorrow. I am scared, it means I am moving forward towards the end of our marriage.

Before I met her I liked being alone, never wanted anything serious, and would never get to attached. But after we started dating, I never wanted to be alone and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. This sucks!


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

Your post really struck a nerve with me from the past so I wanted to share my experience...H of 13 yrs (3 children) was having an EA that turned to PA and although I had asked him to leave because of this I still wanted to work through things for the kids sake so I called his level headed emotionally strong step father certain that he would be appalled by H's behavior and choices but to my dumbfounded surprise he and H's mother completely understood and supported H in "not continuing to live a lie" and needing to extricate himself from a "loveless" marriage in order to be truly happy...and don't worry about the kids "they'll be okay!" This was 7 weeks after the beginning of the EA/PA! You need to understand that you have to surround yourself with loving and supportive people but who will tell you the truth as you go through this terrible time...but as difficult as the realization of her lying (realize she is also lying to herself in order to justify her behavior), likely cheating, and manipulative behavior (the money issues), I would caution against setting up situations to "catch her red-handed" simply in order to exact a measure of vengeance and soothe your hurting heart that you are doing the right thing...sometimes that ugliness and that image of confirmation will be the thing that scars you the most and that you carry with you into what will eventually be a new life...The emotional pain from the complete violation of your love and trust will slowly heal and you will learn to love and trust again. My advice is to surround yourself with loving supportive people who you trust to give you good advice, weigh your decisions before acting on them, give yourself time and permission to grieve the loss of this dream for your future and follow through with an eye toward the goal of eventual healing and a new path to happiness. Just my humble opinion, God Bless


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Wetcheeks said:


> Your post really struck a nerve with me from the past so I wanted to share my experience...H of 13 yrs (3 children) was having an EA that turned to PA and although I had asked him to leave because of this I still wanted to work through things for the kids sake so I called his level headed emotionally strong step father certain that he would be appalled by H's behavior and choices but to my dumbfounded surprise he and H's mother completely understood and supported H in "not continuing to live a lie" and needing to extricate himself from a "loveless" marriage in order to be truly happy...and don't worry about the kids "they'll be okay!" This was 7 weeks after the beginning of the EA/PA! You need to understand that you have to surround yourself with loving and supportive people but who will tell you the truth as you go through this terrible time...but as difficult as the realization of her lying (realize she is also lying to herself in order to justify her behavior), likely cheating, and manipulative behavior (the money issues), I would caution against setting up situations to "catch her red-handed" simply in order to exact a measure of vengeance and soothe your hurting heart that you are doing the right thing...sometimes that ugliness and that image of confirmation will be the thing that scars you the most and that you carry with you into what will eventually be a new life...The emotional pain from the complete violation of your love and trust will slowly heal and you will learn to love and trust again. My advice is to surround yourself with loving supportive people who you trust to give you good advice, weigh your decisions before acting on them, give yourself time and permission to grieve the loss of this dream for your future and follow through with an eye toward the goal of eventual healing and a new path to happiness. Just my humble opinion, God Bless


:iagree: Nice post.

I can relate to the part about telling the in-laws. That's what happened in my situation also. They just wanted to see their son "happy" again. The heck with everyone else who he destroyed while being "happy". Hoping to enlist the in-laws help is a gamble. Unfortunately they will believe their lying child before believing anyone else.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Wetcheeks, Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I am happy to report that I did not catch her with anyone in my home, but I came home to all of the pictures of us being pulled off the walls and put in a closet. She left a note saying that she took them down because it was to difficult for her to have them up. I know the real reason, she had him in our home while I was out of town. She left me leftovers and what she made is dish she only cooks for other people, i.e. me when we first started dating. Then I heard from another friend she was out with him, Thursday night, she showed very little remorse and commented on all of the partying she has been doin the last six weeks. I have accepted that it is over. 

In accepting this I met with an attorney yesterday, that specialize in cheating wives. She helped me see things my marriage counselor didn't help me see in our relationship. She is helping me take back control of my life. I changed the locks to the house and let my wife know she will have to schedule a day to come get her stuu out of teh house.

She also addressed me wanting to talk to my father in-law, she said it was okay as long as I don't get detailed about my wife's actions. So, I called and told him thank you for letting me be a part of his family and that I am sad that my wife asked for a divorce, but I will give it to her without a fight. He was very gracious and wished me the best and said he was praying my wife and I would be able to work this out and stay together. He has no idea what is going on, nor will I be the one to tell him.

My attorney is asking me to bury the hurt, wanting of answers, and seeking closure in confronting my wife. She has asked me to stay calm and cool in all communication with my wife unitl the divorce is complete. I am hoping all the tears I have shed in the last two days will have drained me of all the anger and hurt.

I just want to get it over with and move, which will help me fully restart.

God only knows, where this will all go.


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

I can certainly relate to what you are going through and I wish you peace and comfort. I hope that that peace will find a deep abiding place in your heart and when those feelings of anger, sadness and betrayal resurface again you may find a place of hope to draw on that will fill you once again with calmness, hope and resolve to heal... grieving for this loss is normal, natural and in fact essential for your new future dreams. I wish I could say that the knowledge of this process could shorten or change the depth of pain that you may go through but it doesn't...but the depth of your love, the depth of your loss and acceptance is a wonderful predictor of your ability to eventually heal and create room in your life and help you to "decorate" the rest of your life with a deep abiding appreciation of what is important and valuable and recognize this ability to appreciate love and joy in others...much peace to you my friend...hang in there and keep talking to people who see you the way you really are, will love you and tell you the truth...I am blessed already, this forum is a blessing in that I have a place to go to that is safe and positive and let me not only vent some of the feelings about my own situation but perhaps allow me to be a blessing of hope to someone else who is feeling hopeless or who's pain is still overwhelming...


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I would like to say that the tears stopped, but they got worse last night and this morning. I was packing all of my personal stuff for the move and happened by cards she had given me over the years. It hurt to realize that they are only words now, my heart was breaking all over again.

Then my wife called me regarding the locks being changed. She told me that she feels hatred for me now and she thought she never could. She asked why I was trying to hurt her and what she has done to deserve this happening. She kept the blame on me the entire time she was texting me. She was mad that I spoke with her father.

Today, I feel anger and pity. She asked for the divorce, is cheating on me, bleeding me dry and still can't see SHE created all of this. I am also feeling fear, I am scared what she will do next to get back at me.


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

Yes the anger may very be her next defense because even though it sounds as if you were kind and considerate in your talk with FIL, she feels exposed to unwanted scrutiny i.e. defensive; you have also done the right thing in changing the locks, aside from her extremely questionable boundaries i.e. possibly having someone in your home while you were away; the anger of rejection can sometimes trigger very extreme reactions from people we once loved and trusted (whether they requested it or not!)...for non-violent people this may pass as soon as they move through the anger phase but until then a little caution and safety within your personal space goes a long way in calming your fears :smthumbup:
Tears are a requisite, unfortunately...someone recently reminded me of that...the way a wound itches and and pulls and tugs and calls attention to itself as it begins to heal, the heart and mind must purge themselves of their sadness and pain in order to make room for the healing to take place...and our tears have a way of doing that...messy, inconvenient, humbling tears...mind clearing, calm after the storm tears...


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I know that the tears are a part of the healing process, but it gets confusing for at times the tears aren't just for the loss of our marriage, I have been crying for her, I know she is lost right now and it makes me sad. I am angry for all teh things she is doing, but also sad that she seems to sinking into the abyss. She used to have ambition and a need to be with like people, now she is hanging out with people that want to party every night. I am sad that she has been seduced by a life that has little ramification for her actions. I am still very hurt, but I want her to be happy, the problem is that will be at my expense and I feel she wants it to be that way.

I also know she is searching for reasons on why I changed the locks, without looking at herself. She has been contacting my friend that saw her with him and asking what I am thinking and telling him that I am crazy. He said she was fishing for information to see what I know, it is very sad.

The last straw is she is already trying to sell her rings, she knows that I designed them and love them a lot. They represent my love for her as well as the level of success I have reached, it is all very sad and disturbing.

I know I need to stop asking the how's and why's, but I can't, I just don't know what has happened to her.


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

Why??? I think this is the one that will haunt the longest...it is certainly the one that precedes and then follows all the other questions that flood through my mind. I think this is the one that hurts the most, that still causes the most pain...it always wants me to reflect on the dichotomy of the highest, closest, most intimate days of our relationship and contrast them with the exhausting, humiliating, days of pain, fear, sadness and sense of betrayal that comprise the lowest points. But this is a caution from my experience...you might as well ask why Mt. St. Helen's blew, just then, affecting just those, in that spot, that time, that day, that moment...saying "if" that one thing had been different, would it all have changed? Why did it happen now...to us? You can spend a lot of time tracing back those paths and the ones that diverge off of them







-`


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Wetcheeks, thanks for the insight, for it was a good reality check. It is a question that will never be answered. I wish you all the best and thank you for your kind words, and advice.


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

Sorry didn't mean to post half a reply
The hardest thing for me in acceptance is the reality that you may never know why...why here...why now...why this way...why me? With time and clarity you will come to enough knowledge of your own choices as well as your stbx's to accept that what is, simply is...and you put one foot in front of the other each day, breathe in and out and do it again, until one day you look up and realize you followed a path all day and didn't even have to remind yourself to do it...you just did because it was the right thing to do and it felt good to do it...I wish you peace for your troubled mind and heart tonight; do something nice for yourself today...and keep writing and talking, it all helps!


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Thanks again, it is funny, I went bought myself some chicken to BBQ, my wife hates chicken, and I gave it up once we started getting serious. I picked a couple of movies up and will watch them after I pack tonite.

I know my move across the country will help me put this behind me in some ways, not having to go to the same restraunts, see all the same friends, live in the same house. I know every step I take the further away I get from the pain and hurt, it is just my feet are already so tired.

There is so much weight on me not being able to confront her lies and cheating. I made excuses for when she asked for the divorce, but now I know I was just protecting a liar.

Maybe, the movies will help me forget, for a few ours at least.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

My wife agreed to the ground rules I put forward for visitation of our dogs. I was pleased to see she wasn't negative, calling me names, telling me she hates me, is she facing that she hurt me, not the other way around?

Her dad will be here with her, I am glad I get to see him, scared as well. I mean I locked his daughter out the house, and he doesn't know the entire story, what will he think of me now? Will supportive man from last week disappear?

Will it get worse when my attorney files on my behalf? My wife is not going along with working on the property split together, so I have to do everything myself and file. I can't handle the idea of her telling me she hates me.

How can she hate me, she cheated on me, asked for the divorce, I just wish I could save her from herself.

Why can't I call STBX?


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Spoke with my attorney today, my wife has not done any the things that we agreed upon, when she asked for a divorce. I know it was because I changed the locks on the house, but she had another man in our home, what was I supposed to do? I bought the home before we met, she always called it "Your House", never took it on as her own, never finished the paperwork with me to put her on the Title or Loan, so I took it back as mine. She packed multiple bags! I hate this, all of it!

She is making me file for the divorce, she isn't telling anyone she asked for a divorce, but rather it was mutual decesion, Umm....No. I am giving her what she wants because I love her, but I can't take the pain she is putting me through forerver, or live not knowing. She does not talk to me, text me, email me, nothing.

I am moving across from NV to IL, in a month, we were supposed to be going together now I am going alone. I have to file to keep things moving, I make a 2/3 less than I did when we got married, and have been spending my savings to support us. I am almost tapped out, she has never paid for anything in our relationship. I gave her $2000.00 for last two years of scholl to live on while she was out of state. I feel like a fool. I feel like she is draggin this along to push me into BK.

I have read so many posts that give me hope, show how things are really going to be through this process. But today, I am losing all hope, I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I have never failed in my life, been close but always pulled it out, now my marriage is failing, which anyway you shake it I own part of her affair. Worked to hard, didn't listen enough, whatever she thinks it is, I have to own some of it. I was naive, gave and gave, for what the chance at a failed marriage. Prospect of being financial destroyed, F- my life.

Pretty sure the other OM is driving my Acura around town!

F-my life twice, my attorney told me I can't do anything about it. My only advice is when you wife wants everything in your name, be very careful!!! At first I felt I was protected, now I know I am not. Some jerk get's to drive my car, that I pay for with my hard earned money, a car I never wanted, just got because the wife wanted it, had to have it. I am an idiot!


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I read through my own thread this morning, I feel like I am running in a circle. I keep going back to the same things: money, house, cars, and stuff. My wife once called me materialistic and I shrugged it off, for I fealt we both were, her with the designer clothes, always shopping, always showing me things she wants, me always buying it for her and wanting to make more money to give her more. I guess we got caught living the high life and when the market slowed, I was in complete denial of how bad it could get. I still do better than most, but no more weekend getaways, paying all her bills. I spent so much time looking for more deals, options to make more money, that I was around enough for her emotionally. 

I always tried to talk, but never really listened, or that is what she is thinking. In counselling she and we always focussed on me, but towards the end I wanted to focus on her. Her inability to open up, talk, deal with stress. Did I push her into this? 

Everyone tells me no, but how or when do you stop thinking this was way.

I am stuck, can't work, haven't been able to go to the gym since she left, don't want to be around people, just lock myself away with the dogs.

I am heart broken on so many levels, lost the love of my life, having to sell my dream home, starting over in a new city alone, going to lose 2 of my three dogs in the divorce. Unable, to use my anger to deal with her cheating. 

Just need help getting out of this depressed loop, for weekly sessions with my counselor are not cutting it.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

My wife is coming over today with her dad to visit the dogs. This is the first time since she asked for the divorce that we will be in the same room, or have talked in person, I haven't heard her voice in weeks, other than teh message when she told me she hates me.

I don't know how to feel. I am nervous because I don't know what is going to be said when she is here. I am excited to just see her, I miss her so much. I am scared to see her because I miss her so much.

I am scared because she doesn't know, that I know about the affair, how am I going to keep my cool?

My attorney and counselor tell me not to say anything to her about it to avoid confrontation, but emotionally it feels so wrong.

Has anyone else had to bite their tongue like this? Did it make things better or worse for you?

Should I just pack it in and call it a day? We don't have kids, so we don't have to talk.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> My wife is coming over today with her dad to visit the dogs. This is the first time since she asked for the divorce that we will be in the same room, or have talked in person, I haven't heard her voice in weeks, other than teh message when she told me she hates me.
> 
> I don't know how to feel. I am nervous because I don't know what is going to be said when she is here. I am excited to just see her, I miss her so much. I am scared to see her because I miss her so much.
> 
> ...


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

My STBX came to see the dogs today and ended up clearing all of her clothes out of the closet and dresser. She took all of her stuff out of the bathroom as well. I guess this is completely real, she is gone.

My father in law and I talked in the living room while she was packing her things, it was really sad. I really enjoy his company. I told him thank you for being here with us and he said it wasn't a problem. We tried talked a little about what was happening and he just couldn't say much. My SBTX isn't telling him much and he is worried. She has no plans, won't address anything with me or her family, we are all at a loss.

She was crying when she arrived and when she left, the hurtful thing is it had nothing to do with me or our marriage, but he missing the dogs. I know it is tough on her being away from them. Especially, the dog she had when we met, which really has become my dog as time has passed.

I was hoping that she would start coming out of the haze she has been in, but I have realized that she isn't anywhere close to it. So, I am going to try and pick up all the pieces of my heart and work on me again.

I am going to start back at the gym tomorrow, and stop avoiding being around people, get back into the world. 

I hope we both find the strength to get through all of this and move onto healthy lives with or without each other.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Bob - Very sorry to hear that it's not working out. This last trip your wife made to the house is normal (all the crying an such). Right now, focus on yourself - excellent choice in going back to the gym - I did the same and also ran a half marathon - best choice I made in the last 6 months!!!

Keep your chin up - brighter days are ahead.


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

Bravo Bob :smthumbup:!!! It is a good thing you are doing by starting to start again! Go to the gym and get active, take a walk with the dogs, get out of your self and your own head a little more every day and say hello; how are you to someone new (and mean it, look up some new recipes for chicken, try them and then invite someone else over to try them ( make three versions and have them rate them with you; And so what if you aren't Emril; plan something you have always wanted to do but weren't able to because she a) didn't like that b) wouldn't be caught dead there c) couldn't believe you would spend time or money on doing that...!
it might help a little to start packing a little for your move, when my H moved out and took his things the gaps were hard to ignore but I was moving out and moving onto something different as well so I started packing, just a small box or two...I took the time to sort and label the things that were the most important that I was taking with me, the things I was going to have to think about a little more before making a decision and the things I had already decided I could get rid of and live without...just one box or two at a time; you don't have to pack up or move on from an entire life all at once but first pick one thing that is you, that defines you and redefines you that you will always take with you where ever you go in life and set it aside along with a box that other like-minded things will go in...and put something you are sure of in the box every day and when the box is full, set up another one...along the way you will probably find a lot of things that are definitely NOT going in that box...and set up a box for those too...
Just one day at a time, one step at a time, find yourself a goal, something to look forward to and walk slowly deliberately toward it...brighter days and more peaceful nights ARE ahead!


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Wetcheeks & GFC777,

Thanks for the support and kind words. I would like to report that I made it to the gym today, may have to go later this evening.

Met my couselor today, worked, told a few more people, and started reading, "The Good Karma Divorce". Today was looking to be the first day in weeks that felt normal. I could be me, not jealous, self loathing, bitter, or sad. I was getting ready to head to the gym, when I got the email the STBX.

Her email detailed the things that she wanted out of the divorce. The email started out fine, I felt like we could get through it keep cost down, and start the rest of our lives. Well suffice it to say the email took a turn for the worse, she informed my that she wanted all three dogs, but would give one up, if I were cruel enough to split them.

She then let me know that she would not claim any of our debts, and her care would be given to me since she does not want to pay for it. 

All fine in a perfect world, but we don't, and I am not rich. I let her know how I felt, about the issues and what I was willing to accept if I got the dog I wanted, and then it would be fair in my eyes.

She then attacked my work, schedule, and the home I could provide for the dog or dogs. 

In doing so I realized that she has not been paying attentino to my or our future for the last 4 months. Once, I (once we) are in our new city my travelling will go from 1-2 weeks straight to 2-3 days every two weeks. I am moving to a hub city, cheaper flights, more options, two airports, from a single small airport.

I don't work night like her, I don't go out drinking like her, I am home body, and take my dog with me everywhere. 

I now know that there is no way to do this without both of having attorneys, is living in a fantasy land.

She has forgotten the $2000.00 a month while she was in grad school, her never using her earnings to help with the house or cars, dog care. I just kept working and trying to provide to a fault.

Here's her getting a clue and me getting to the gym tomorrow.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

It is weird, I just was on the phone with a friend of a friend who is going through the same thing I am right now. Her husband left her a few months ago. What is weird is we know each other, but don't really know each other, yet I was confortable talking to her about my situation.

What we both agreed it was nice talking to someone going through the same thing at the same time, for we both felt like burdens to our friends and family. We both thought we were gloomy Gus'. 

Does anyone else feel like a burden to family or friends? Is that natural?


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I am really sad for my STBX, for she has dumpedall of my family and friends off of her face book page. All these people are here for her, noone has chosen sides, my family loves her. She has completely lost it. It is so sad.


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## solostinarizona (Jun 21, 2010)

bob, i seem to be in the first stages of what your going through. my wife left me 4 weeks ago(see my thread). I just want to let you know I've read your thread and it's helped me out. I'm too new to this to give real advice but I do know my dogs(3) are playing a role in our separation. I can relate. stay strong bro. facebook is evil to marriages IMHO.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Solo,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this as well, like I have said before, noone deserves to feel the pain we are all going through. I wish I could say I knew where it is all heading, but I don't everyday brings a new feeling. 

I had a lot of bad dreams last night, several about her losing all of the people that care about her. I know that will never really happen, but she is hanging out with the wrong people these days. 

Hang in there, take everyone's advice, start protecting youself. As far as the dogs get them with you as soon as possible, if you are living seperately. That is the only thing going for me at this time.

Best of look to all of us.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Today was amother decent day, didn't get to the gym this afternoon, but felt good non-the-less. 

Could be that STBX has gone on one of her blakcouts again, start communication with me and stop when she doesn't get the response she wants out of me. She is so used to me just giving her anything and everything she wants, that me saying "No" to her some settlement requests, has sent her in a tail spin. It was tough for me to do, but I have realized here that I need to do it. I have always believed that a good husband always give his wife what she wants or needs, but now I see how distructive that can be.

Or , is it because I am going to get out of the house this weekend with a friend and his wife? Going camping with them and the dogs. The vengeful side of me wants to send the STBX pictures of the dogs and me out in the woods. That would get her goat. I know that is wrong. I won't do it, but it would feel so good.

I know I have asked before, but I don't think I have gotten an answer.

Has anyone gone against their attorney's or counselor's advice and confront their spouse that you know about the affair? Did it make you feel better if you did?

I want her to know I know, but they keep telling me to leave it alone.


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## gally (Jun 28, 2010)

Yes


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Will the lies get worse?..well, I will say it has taken me 3 mos. of separation to get to the point I'm at, she wanted to breathe again so she left 3 mos. ago, they get to a point where they believe their lies, and I got to realize that the only thing I actually resent is THE CONSTANT LYING, she thinks I am an idiot and blind at the same time, so I decided that she can tell me what ever she wants,I have recently told her that I have no problem telling people our problems, friends, her co-workers, her bosses, our friends, since I told her that 2 weeks ago, she has not communicated with me but uses my daughters to communicate, from the beginning she wanted to keep it all uner wraps even while separated, after 3 mos I said no more, because I found out she has been making me out to be THE REASON even had the gall to question my ability has a dad, when she and everyone knows that is a true lie, but most important my girls know it's a lie, so once you stop believing or listening to the lie...yes, they certainly get worse.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Thanks for the input, I know where you are at with the SBTX wanting to keep everything under wraps. She w anted me to tell people that we both decided that things were not working out, so we agreed to the divorce; which would be easy to believe since I was not contesting it. I went along with it, for a while, worried she would get mad at me if I told people the truth. 

I finally the last two days started telling people she asked for the divorce and is leaving me. I will be honest it was very liberating, but the cloud hanging over my head is the EA or PA, whichever it is, if not both, for I want to shout from tallest mountain, she is a liar and a cheat, but I can't. I just want her to know that I know, let her know she is not the victim in the thing, I am, our families are, our dogs are, our life. My 98 great grandmother loves her to death and is heart broken, so telling people the truth about her affair would hurt them as well. 

I don't know what to think about her affair or actions lately, I feel sorry for her right now, no anger, just sorrow.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I met with my attorney today, my STBX has been trying to avoid the next phase of the divorce she asked for, splitting property and debt.

I felt hopelss this morning prior to the meeting, but following I felt refreshed, for we came up will clear goals. My wants, only one, the male dog, who is my buddie and an expedited divorce, so I can move and start to heal and live.

To reach these goals we are letting the STBX know she will get the uncontested divorce and property she wants, if and only if I get my dog; otherwise, I will file and contest the divorce. I felt a little alive, knowing there is still something in my life that I will fight for like my dog. 

I fought for my marriage for the last 2 years and learning about the affair, the last 3 weeks I have felt like a loser, a man that could not win anything. Bought into her lies, loser. Alone, loser. Yet fighting back has awoken me.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Bob,

You are doing well. It is a tough and emotional situation. In the future however when your stbx w says something like -- you are breaking up the dogs -- make sure in a calm firm, yet gentle way tell her that this was her idea and that is a consequence of her actions.

See you treated her like a child in some ways -- always giving her what she wanted (I don't include needs here). So you never set up boundaries with her just as you would with a child. My son constantly asks every time we are in a store for 15 gazillion things. I tell him that I will not buy him something every time we are in a store and that he doesn't need or deserve to be given everything. That he has to work for things. This is my boundary, sure every now and then when he doesn't ask for something I actually buy him something. 

And I'm not criticizing you. Because in your heart you meant well and I understand that. I'm looking into the mirror of my past here. But over time your w lost respect for you. So I suggest a book "Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants" by Elliot Katz. Also go to Atholk's blog -- marriedmensexlife.com, he has some great insights on male female relationships. 

I'm still unsure why your attorney wanted you to keep the affair secret -- most states are no-fault anymore so it usually doesn't matter. I assume yours must still be a fault state.

Just remember to be in control of yourself and your environment while around her. I can tell from your progression of posts you are coming back alive. Good for you.

On the workout front I got back into it by going to hundredpushups.com and setting that program as my goal. They have programs for building up to 100 consecutive push ups, 200 consecutive sit ups (I do ab crunches), and 200 consecutive squats, and at some point in the future 25 consecutive pull-ups although they've been promising that for a while. I actually started doing the level 1 push ups for the pull up program and it has been working well. I alternate days and do chin ups as well. Started doing yoga, play soccer, etc.

But always remember this is your path, your journey and your decisions. All the advice from here and from the books is up to you to shape and use in your own way.

If you like to read about the meaning of life -- I suggest Sidhartha by Herman Hesse. Written in the 20s I think. It was an interesting read. 

Peace.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Feeling,

Thanks for the book and blog suggestions, I will definitely read them soon. I would have to agree with you on my not setting boundries with my STBX and her losing respect for me. I have always been overly giving, to a fault, with family, friends, and my wife. I think I fed into that with my wife on anemotional level as well, for I spent so much time trying to protect her form the things that she didn't like to talk about, that I created and added to our issues. I put her on an island to protect her, but as the oceans of life began to rise, I couldn't keep he dry. I was keeping on shore trying to protect her, when I should have been teaching her to swim. I neveer should let her avoid talking about money, family issues, her State Boards, so I know that I own 50% of the issues we are now going through in this divorce, not the affair, but rather conflict resolution or coping skills. I just hope she can find her way to shore at some point.

I live in a no fault state, but my attorney, in jer experiences likes to use the cheating spouse guilt against them, when trying to settle. We are still trying to file jointly, but who knows how that will end up. She has said that cheating spouse when confronted tend to put up a fight for they need to justify their actions, justify their cheating, if I out her or she knows I know my STBX will go out of her way to demonize me and drag it on. 

I will try to get back in the gym soon, I used to work out 6 days a week, but not so much now. I have 2 different memberships, so when I travel I can always find a gym. I am hoping my vanity kicks in to get me going again, a friend recently told I look smaller, that I have lost muscle mass, so that should get me going again.

I know everthing I have read here has helped me gain some perspective, I just hope I can keep growing.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Bob..in my case, after going along with the flow in not wanting to make my stbx mad, it actually added to my stress, only when I decided it didn't make a difference to her, only easier for her, did I start to realize, 'hey, I'm on my own here', It was then I let her know I would tell people, if they asked of course, the truth, and also those who didn't ask..I also felt so relieved when I realized I was back in control of every little thing I do and not co-dependant on her, she is the one having an issue with it, I knew I would not work at all in trying to make our marriage work, I just needed to start living like it..you seem to have the right Idea, it is just not dwelling on what you have done in the past, but what you will do starting now..for you...and nothing is wrong with that way of thinking.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

2Daughters,

I know what you are talking about going along with the flow adding to oyur stress. Trying to file this joint divorce has been killing me, so today I approved a letter from my attorney to my SBTX. I give her amlmist everthing she wants, all debts to stay in my name, the property she wants, but I get the dog we both want. If she doesn't agree I will file, contest, and let the judge decide who gets what, something she has reportedly said she does not want to do. I will tell you that this was the most liberating thing I have felt in weeks, maybe months.

I feel good today, hung over but good, last night was the first time I have had a social drink, since she asked for a divorce. I was able to blow off some steam with a friend 2 months into their divorce, something I did not think I would be able to do for quite some time. It is so true with every step you take the further you get away from the thing that has caused so much pain.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I hope everyone had a good weekend, I know I did. I spent the weekend at a friends cabin, no phones, no power, no computer, just good people, music, and dogs. I woke up early yesterday, took the dogs for a small walk and then sat on the deck, looked out over the slightly bending pines in the breeze, and listened to the silence of the morning. In that moment I realized that life will be okay. I think that my wife leaving really is going t the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, not her affair, but rather the leaving. I haven't fully come to terms with it, I know there will be more emotions to come, anger, sadness, uncertainty, yet the silence showed me some many things.

I saw in that moment, reflecting that I was losing myself, I forgot the man that I was, the man that I want to be. During our marriage, I never would have gotten up and sat on the deck, in fear of waking her, I used to think it was noble, to stay in bed and lie awake trying to be quiet waiting for her to wake up, avoiding her anger if I did wake her. 

When people used to ask me why I loved my wife, I would always say, "Being with her makes me want to be a better man.", but was that the for me or her? I don't know anymore. I got lost in our marriage, I lost myself, losing her love and respect. I avoided the things that first attrached her to me, my strength and power, I spent so much time toning myself down, that I lost myself. Did I allow her image of men, change me? She would always tell me how nice and what a good husband her stepfather is because he never disagrees with her mother, never asserts himself, I witnessed it on several occasions. Did I try to become that man for her? Yes. Did it add to our demise, I would say, YES. The silence has told me so, for in those moments, listening to nothing but the Mother Earth speaking, you have to realize that you are your own planet. Your wife, lover, friend can't live on your planet, nor can you live on theirs, but rather you must orbit one another, hoping that your pull towards each other does not cause a collision.

Our marriage counselor once commented how intense and passionate I was in one of our ealry sessions, and she commented that she loved that about me. Months later, she would call those things anger. I then tried to hide them, thus hiding myself from myself.

Battery dying on my flight...until another day, or airport.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

In the airport now waiting for a connection, it is a bummer my battery died, I felt like I was getting a lot out. Anyway, I realized that if we were together, my STBX, never would have gone to the cabin with me, or in the off chance she did she never would have been able to relax with me. She would have gotten drunk and complained to me in private, amke me come up with a reason on why we had leave and then make me take her home.

I guess, I am saying that there is hope, moments of clarity for all of us. I know that life will not always be clear, that the battles of our divorce, will muddy the waters, but today is a good day.

Today, I chose not to hate her for lying and cheating, I chose to thank her for setting me free, helping my find myself again, find the man I am, the man I am goning to be, the man someone will love unconditionally!

Here's to staying on the path on personal growth!


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Not a big fan of rollercoasters, and I am on one right now. All of the positive feelings I felt from getting away at the cabin this weekend have subsided. I am back in teh dumps today, I am heading home from this business trip, and feel really alone. I am head home to an empty house. 

I didn't sleep well last night, kept having bad dreams about her affair, the possiblity that she had him in our home. I hate nights like last night.

Also, I wnet to the gym for the first time in weeks, which, as feared heightened my emotions, I felt good in the beginning, but started to feel the anger build. I wanted to hunt the guy she is with and break his neck, then it went to sadness. All the why's and how's came back.

I eally hate rollercoasters. I wish there was a way to know how long I will have to ride this ride.

Hope I sleep well tonight.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I think my STBX is losing it? Or completely comfortable living in the lies she has created. She at one point wanted to take all three dogs from me, I fought for one, and now she is giving me two. She told me it was wrong to spit them up, but now she wants to split the two dogs that grew up together.

She is erasing all things that we had as a couple, is that normal? Do people fully disconnect like this, is it the affair? I can't believe she would give up the other dog. I would love to have it, but where I am moving only allows me to have one, I already signed a lease, and put money down. 

Has anyone else had a spouse not just leave, but fully detach?

I don't understand who she is right now.:scratchhead:


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I met with my counselor today and felt really good afterwards. We talked a great deal about my feelings for my STBX my concerns for her future, her well being, and her current state of mind. I have really wanted to confront her about the EA, PA, and OM, but at his urging as well as my attorney's I have not done anything. Today, it was decided that I should confront her in a calm manner if I am ready, whether through a letter or email, no calls so I don't breakdown(my decesion not his). So everything was going great, she sent a text stating that she wanted to come over and get the last of her things, and split the community property as agreed, fine. I felt good about it, great we will be fine her family will be here, everything will be fine.

Then this afternoon, sorry need to give backgraound, as a part of our joint filing, she was to return the car this weekend, so I could sell it back to the dealership at a minimal loss; which, I would pay for not her. 

Anyways, I open the garage, their is the car, no big deal, I grab my spare key and open the door and get in. What do I find the car seat set for a man 6' or taller, seat leaned back. My STBX is 5'6", I know she wasn't driving it and hasn't been, at least that is my gut feeling. Then what do I find, a receipt from McDonald's, why is this an issue, my STBX does not eat there, ever!!! The F*****G A*****E has been driving my car and left proof, McGriddle, give me a break! If I ever ate that while we where together, she would have had a cow!

I have gone from trying to maintain class and calmness to shouting from the tallest mountain that she is a cheat!!!! I want to wait outside her work, find out whi this guy is and break his legs! I swear to God, I want to release every ounce of rage inside of my on his face, I can't believe people lack so much class.

I know that I am ranting, but come on, give me break. I am going to confront her best friend tomorrow, she was our mai of honor.

I hope I run into this guy before I leave town, and our divorce is complete, good thing joint filings are fast. I am going to jack this A*****E up!

F*** cheaters!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Codename Bob, I feel like punching my H and his w**** right between the eyes too. My husband even sends her photos texts of our son to her. Absolutely no respect for anything.

What you said about thanking your wife for setting you free, reminded me of what a friend of mine said to me recently about my husband. She said he is setting you free in a way because he loves you. I know this sounds crazy to say when you have been cheated but she thought that he set me free before his world around him implodes of issues that he has had for years that are coming up now. I am yet to find out if that will happen but in a way it made sense to me when she said that.

As for the lies getting worse, I really don't know what to believe my H. I think he lies now every time he opens his mouth. I wish he actually had some you know what to sit down and address the issues like a real man not like the biggest coward in the world.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

'notreadytoquit', that is one of the downfalls, not being able to trust, it damages a person but it also makes them stronger, we all want to think all positives but a person needs to experience and think about some negatives, if that makes sense, I mean, most people on here are on the hurting side of a relationship, but I'm sure the other person 'felt' the same way at some point.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I have tried to understand everything my STBX is goiong through. I know she has had a difficult time, at least is what she says. I Have know way of knowing what she is going through, for she left me, is having an EA, PA, and OM. I wish her well, but there are days that it is more difficult than others.

Today is going to be tough, for she is coming ot get the last of her things from teh house. I feel so alone. What happened to the promise of forever? I know that after she leaves today and takes one of the dogs, this is it. We will file our uncontested divorce, I will move and it will be all over.

I have great friends and family that are helping me get through this time, but I am as scared as I am excited about the future. Starting alone in a new city, leaving a city where I know everyone, clubs, bars. To being a nobody, good and bad I guess, just wish my baby was going to be with me.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

STBX's dad and brother are here getting the last load, the house is so empty, not just things, but devoid of happiness. She took my love and soul with her. Just feel so hopeless again. Can't even think about her lies anymore, just wish I had a time a machine to go back to the happy times, times of love and dreams.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I started cleaning the house, patching the walls, and painting over scuff marks. Feels like patching my life, not my broken marriage, trying to make everything look nice so the house will sell fast. My dream home will be someone elses soon. 

At one point my SBTX did not want anything from our relationship, just what she brought into the marriage, then they came and took almost everything, I should have been stronger and stayed in the living room while they were packing. She tried to take all of our pictures, I at least was able to stop that, but she took the gifts her family gave me. she took gifts I received from friends over the years. I feel violated all over again. The affair was enough, but now taking everything. I keep telling myself, they are just things, but they are also a part of my history. She took a plant that I have had for 12 years, from my first house.

Am I being stupid, caring so much? Has anyone moved across the country after a divorce or seperation? Did it help you deal with things? I was feeling better, but I feel like I am slipping back into the dumps. 

I thought fast tracking the divorce would help me deal with the pain, but it is not right now. I feel like I am quitting, just like her. I just am tired of being a doormat. 

My STBX has siad maybe 10 words to me in 3 weeks, is that normal?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Yes it's normal, what can she really say?, her mind is set, trust, that time will make you realize you can adjust from the 'comfort zone', when people on here say 'in time' it really is true and this is coming from someone who 3 1/2 mos(that number keeps getting bigger) swore he would never feel the same again!!!, but I have adjusted, I have took up new interest, started dating, look, we all hit an emotional low, but after looking at how I was in my marriage, I am slowly feeling less and less resentful towards my wife, and someday I will be at ease with it all, and wanted nothing more than to keep my marriage, but realize now it is better this way all around, hopefully in a couple of months you will start to realize you can get on without her, IMO I know you will....then you can decide how you want to approach things.:scratchhead:


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

What does she need to say, she got everything she wanted from you already. She is in her own little affair land, happy as a bug in a rug. Now im not calling you stupid but it sounds like your in an emotional fog and she took advantage of that in a big way. First of all she took more than your agreements, she conned you to take all of the debt, by law that should have been half hers. You supported through her schooling and she paid you back by cheating on you and kicking you to the curb. I am trying to make you see she did you nothing but wrong, I want you to understand this is not your fault, I am trying to make you see what she did, and how she treated you. Why? to try to make you understand that this was her choice, not yours, she decided to cheat, not you! Stop thinking if you did something different this wouldnt of happened. You are a good person and as much as this hurts you will do fine, probably better than her.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Brewster, 

Thanks for the post, I know what you are saying is right. My friends are telling me the same thing, but I have just gotten stuck in the funk. I was feeling that way, but seeing her just brought so many feelings back, for I was a very closed off person until I met her. Every girl or woman before her never lasted langer than 2 weeks, I never wanted anything serious. I was a player, wh***, her words not mine. In her I thought I found and equal and partner, but I was wrong, just coming to terms with that is tough.

I gave her to much credit, for I believed that she would stick to her word on some level, but I know I was be naive since she couldn't honor her vows. Her vows meant less as the money got tighter, I know I was apay check to her;which hurts to admit.

She did me a favor doing it now, for in a few years I will be back where I was finacially, which allowed for all the trips we took, expensive things I bought, so now the money will just go in the bank and stay there. I now get to live downtown in a major city, walk to work and have new experiences. Go to a place where no one knows me. All things that she wanted but actually didn't, she lied about that as well.

I have always carried the burdon of all issues or stresses in our relationship, so I know I am still doing it. I believe it is the husbands responsiblity to carry the load, protect their wife, even from herself. I am just having a tough time letting that go. I don't want her to feel the pain she has caused me to feel, once she wakes up out of this fog, I know she will. I know she will miss me, want me back, but I will be gone. 

Thanks again for the kick in the A**, I needed it. In your experience, how many times did you go through these highs and lows?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Bob,
You’ve a grieving process to go through. It’s grieving what you had in the past and what you were planning in the future. It is a process with well recognised stages. How long we stay in each stage of the process just depends as does the sequence of them. Would help you if you look it up.

As I was working my way through it, got on a reasonable emotional level and was hit by a thought I came to recognise that I’ll have bad days but they will pass. I put up two punch bags and what with those and a multi gym I had the facility to work through my anger while getting fitter at the same time. That helped me big time. As did working on my spiritual side as well. Not every man’s cup of tea but in the very early stages I filled the living room with candles and lit incense sticks. That had a phenomenal calming effect. Something I did “just for me”.

If you are feeling bitter and resentful, it will pass. I couldn’t believe the anger and dislike I felt and I still feel some but it’s down to about 10% of what it was at the beginning.

Something else happens as well with the separation and physical distance. Things start dropping even more into place. We get to put them into perspective and categorise them, it’s like the mind is tidying things up and moving them out of short term memory into long term memory. The things that were at one time so very important to us begin to lose their importance and fade away. We’ve been out of the combat zone for a while and we start to see new things with new eyes. I found this especially with people, the friends in my life.

You’re on a new journey, a new chapter in your life. It’ll take a while to close the one you’re just leaving and to open up the new one. And both will be happening at the same time. You’re a good Man, you’ll make good things happen in your life.

Bob


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> Brewster,
> 
> Thanks for the post, I know what you are saying is right. My friends are telling me the same thing, but I have just gotten stuck in the funk. I was feeling that way, but seeing her just brought so many feelings back, for I was a very closed off person until I met her. Every girl or woman before her never lasted langer than 2 weeks, I never wanted anything serious. I was a player, wh***, her words not mine. In her I thought I found and equal and partner, but I was wrong, just coming to terms with that is tough.
> 
> ...


:rofl::rofl: Are you kidding Im so fogged in in depression, On a good day I go through the anger stage. Im only 2 months in, I ride the emotional rollercoaster daily. I actually dont want my wife back at this point, I dont think I could ever trust her. My struggles are, lonliness, missing the person my wife was(I dont know what demon is in my W body, but it aint her) fear of the future, anger over being betrayed. I will say I no longer wonder what I could of done to keep this from happening. 

I will tell ya to stop thinking about what life will be like for her, what she is doing, and focus on protecting yourself financially, focus on healing, keep busy..... does that make the pain go away...no but it helps.

The stages AFEH talks about are the 7 stages of grief and if you havent read them lately do a search on them. It definetly will help you understand what you are going through.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Thanks agin for the input, I look up the 7 stages. 

I just spoke with a friend that I set up with my In-laws for a small business deal. He met with them last night for about 3 hours, and he told me they still want me in their lives. He said they kept bringing me up and don't understand what is going on. Only my closest friends no about the OM, so I am sure her family and closest friends have no idea.

My issue is that I still care about her family a great deal, is it unhealthy for me to keep in touch with them? If I stay in touch they are bound to ask why I think this is all happening, do I tell them I believe there is a OM.

The revenge side of me would like to take her off her high and mighty perch that judges everyone around her, and force her to tread in the filth she has created.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Bob, 

Thanks for the input and kind words. I know I need to do things for myself again, I am trying to get back into the gym, I haven't been since she dropped the bomb on me. I have lost a lot of muscle mass, but I am just not motivated.

I am looking forward to the days the resentment goes down to 10% or she is out of my mind in terms of revenge. I hate the thoughts of I'll show you...You'll see what you left....

I am a little afriad of the next chapter in the sense, I know how easy it is to fall into trappings of your past, I don't want to become the workaholic that parties like a rock star on the weekends. I don't want to chase woman like I used too, before I met her.

Everyone's help and guidance here helps me get back on track or on the path, I just hate teh stumbling part.

Thanks again,

CNB


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

IMO and thats all it is, if you can have a relationship with her family and be OK, not in pain than sure her family had nothing to do with her cheating. I dont think I would tell them she is cheating on you unless you can prove it, if you can prove it then heck ya tell them, why should you have to lie, SHEs the cheater not YOU!


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I think I am going to go see them my last night in town, that way I will be on the road when she finds out. She has told me several times she would prefer that I don't talk to her parents, and in the past I would reprect that out of my love for her. Now, I know she is hiding things from them, from herself and doesn't want to get caught. 

She has been sending me emails asking when I am going to cancel insurance, gym memberships, and other things on her. No big deal, but it is from an IPhone, which she can't afford right now, just proves to me she is living in another world right now. She is out charging things she can't pay for, forgetting that I am not around to pick up all the pieces. Or the OM is picking up where I left off, spoiling her, giving her everything just feeding the greedy little monster!

12 days and counting to being out of this town.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> I think I am going to go see them my last night in town, that way I will be on the road when she finds out. She has told me several times she would prefer that I don't talk to her parents, and in the past I would reprect that out of my love for her. Now, I know she is hiding things from them, from herself and doesn't want to get caught.
> 
> She has been sending me emails asking when I am going to cancel insurance, gym memberships, and other things on her. No big deal, but it is from an IPhone, which she can't afford right now, just proves to me she is living in another world right now. She is out charging things she can't pay for, forgetting that I am not around to pick up all the pieces. Or the OM is picking up where I left off, spoiling her, giving her everything just feeding the greedy little monster!
> 
> 12 days and counting to being out of this town.


Uhhh Bob, I hate to tell ya what I found out the hard way but all debts she rings up until the day she is served are 50% yours. If she goes out and get a CC in her name it doesnt even matter if you dont know about it, 50% debt is yours. Cancelling insurance policies are the worst thing you can do and is actually illegal once papers have been served but even if you do it before then things will not go well in court, Judges dont like that at all.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Thanks for the heads up. I spoke with my attorney today, we should be joint filing Monday, my STBX still wants to file joint and uncontested. I am hoping it goes fast, I will keep her insured until we are finalized, then she will have to look at COBRA. I hope she isn't out being dumb, she has already cost me a fortune.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> Thanks for the heads up. I spoke with my attorney today, we should be joint filing Monday, my STBX still wants to file joint and uncontested. I am hoping it goes fast, I will keep her insured until we are finalized, then she will have to look at COBRA. I hope she isn't out being dumb, she has already cost me a fortune.


That is awesome news for you, I dont know if you are good at negotiations or not but uncontested will save a butt load. So try to settle as much as you can without a laywer, hire a paralegal to fill out the paperwork, if you get hung up on the property settlement get a mediator. Dont be in too much of a hurry as what is decided will affect you for a long time, so dont give away the farm cuz you want it to be over with fast.

However it might be wise to give some concessions if it will keep you out of trial cuz the average D in court 10-30K settled between the two of you with a mediator about 2k. 

Make sure you do not act on emotions and give away to much just to get it over with, spend some time to think and cover your azz financially. This now has nothing to do with love at this point, this is all about buisness NOW.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I totally agree that this is a business deal. I ran the numbers going both directions, attorney or no attorney. My situation is such that I got an attorney to protect me, in a manner that I got the one or two things I really wanted. Finacially, I have already looked at what I was on the hook for, or what she is on the hook for, and found that she would have to pay me money if we did a debt settlment. , IRS and others Debts. I had absolutely no debt other than my mortgage when we met and were married, I have a ton now. I was able to show my STBX that I was giving her money to pay down her debt student loans as mine(ours), which I found she was not doing. She has realized that she would now be on the hook for our debt and her student loans. I tied my wants on forgiving her debts to me. Working out well, yes in the short term I will pay for it, but long term I will be fine, financially. Emotionally is a whole other ball game. Coming to terms with an affair, and my STBX using me for money, cars, and jewelry are a little more difficult.

She may not have been a monster when we met, but my spoiling her definitely turned her into one.

Thanks again for the advice and support, it does help me get through the day.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well as soon as the divorced is settled that should help to get the healing process going. I will tell ya one thing after looking at this board and reading how little marriage vows mean and how much a D cost both financially and emotionally I dont ever see getting M again. I think if I find someone to love, live with them and keep all finances seperate.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I agree 100% about never getting married again. My STBX and I both thought we never would get married, then we met, and everything changed, I wanted her the rest of my life. I thought it would be for life, wanted it for life and was betrayed. From here on out I will only put one foot in the pool. I know to many that it seems unrealistic or stupid to look at life that way, but that was my first instinct prior to marriage. Look where going against my instincts got me. Broke and broken hearted.

I spent the day at watching the Celeb. Golf Tourney on a boat with a bunch of 20 something girls. I had a fun, but still missed my STBX. We used to do those things together, still broken hearted, so I know I will never go there again.

I am still messed up enough that I am not going to the party tonight, 15 drunk girls, and 8 guys, drinking and hot tub. I hate that I am not able to fully engage parties. Today, I realized that as much as she has hurt me, betrayed me, I would still take her back, at tleast the memories of our good times.

Here's to healing, getting my life and money back. Yes, money!!!! So I can start travelling for fun again!


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I ended up heading to my buddies house last night. I guess it was good thing that all the girls were taking naps, for it gave me time to talk to my buddies about my STBX. I found out that they have seen her out a a few time in the last week. They told me that she doesn't look healthy and is completely wasted everytime they see her. She is partying at clubs again worse, harder than before we started dating.

She told one of the guys she is not doing well with what is going on. Why won't she talk to me about that? Why can't she see that she is in full self destruct mode? She is eventaking her brother out with her, he should not be where she is going, he is a recovery addict, ex-con, that get's random drug tests.

I guess the lies are getting worse, but she is lying to herself, not me?

I am so scared for her, pity her. When will that stop?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> I agree 100% about never getting married again. My STBX and I both thought we never would get married, then we met, and everything changed, I wanted her the rest of my life. I thought it would be for life, wanted it for life and was betrayed. From here on out I will only put one foot in the pool. I know to many that it seems unrealistic or stupid to look at life that way, but that was my first instinct prior to marriage. Look where going against my instincts got me. Broke and broken hearted.
> 
> I spent the day at watching the Celeb. Golf Tourney on a boat with a bunch of 20 something girls. I had a fun, but still missed my STBX. We used to do those things together, still broken hearted, so I know I will never go there again.
> 
> ...


So heres the thing you say that you would still take her back, thats kinda not true at least for me. I would take the woman I married back, I miss her sooo much but my wife isnt even that person anymore.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I ended up going to the party, and learned a lot more about my STBX. I don't think I could take her back today, I can't even take back the woman that I married because I really don't even know that woman. She is in complete self destuct mode, self loathing, self pity, and lost. I fell in love with a woman that did not have those traits, but I am coming to realize that she was just hiding them from me. A woman that is drunk for 9 straight days is not a woman I can be with, then or now. If this is who she has always been then she had been living a lie the entire time we were together.

I am having problems with the last act of love for her, for I want to get her family involved, but she is not going to be my responsiblity much longer. Do I create the issues for myself by getting involved or just walk away?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> I ended up going to the party, and learned a lot more about my STBX. I don't think I could take her back today, I can't even take back the woman that I married because I really don't even know that woman. She is in complete self destuct mode, self loathing, self pity, and lost. I fell in love with a woman that did not have those traits, but I am coming to realize that she was just hiding them from me. A woman that is drunk for 9 straight days is not a woman I can be with, then or now. If this is who she has always been then she had been living a lie the entire time we were together.
> 
> I am having problems with the last act of love for her, for I want to get her family involved, but she is not going to be my responsiblity much longer. Do I create the issues for myself by getting involved or just walk away?


Only you can answer that, something is seriously wrong, can you just shake your head and go the other way? How close are you to her Dad, does he have any influence on her? If it was my daughter I would want to know and I would definetly go see her and try to figure what is going on but thats me, I dont know your FIL, has she had problems with depression in the past? Good luck with what you decide my friend. It sounds like you are already doing better than she is, I wonder if she is feeling guilt for what she did to her marriage.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I thought I was close to him, but when he was here helping her load her things the second and last time, he was a little more distant. Her mother was suprisingly nice and sad. My STBX doesn't like her family involved in any of her personal affairs, so I don't know if she will listen to them. I know I have to wait until I leave for it could create some really bad blood between us, worse than how she feels now. She is risking her brothers freedom havin him out with her, he is not a strong man and being around the people she is partying with will open to many doors.

She told me 4 months ago her doctor said she is suffering from depression, but would not elaborate since I was out of town. She said she didn't want me to worry, but the time line and things she has said leads me to believe that she was already with or starting with the OM. I think it is old BF that she saw at a funeral when I was away on business.

I was told this weekend that she is having a hard time with everything, but I don't know if it is guilt or the lack of finacial support. She is to proud to ask her parents for help and I handled everything for her for the last 5 years, I mean everything. All her earning went to her clothes and partying, so if she has not stopped partying there is no way she can afford to do anything else. Unless, she is using the OM for money; which wouldn't shock me right now. I don't know who she is, but I still love her, it is very perplexing.

I know I need to tell her family, I just hope they listen with open ears and open hearts...knowing I love their daughter and want the best for her.:scratchhead:


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

So she was a party animal b4 all this happened? If she was Id just let it go and move on, she needs to grow up. What she can afford is not your problem, she is making poor choices and you do her no service but protecting her from the circunstances of those choices. The brother also has to make his own choices and if he wants to violate prob he will do it with or without his sis involvement.

I would think long and hard about involving her family, its a tough call, anywho get that uncontested D a done deal b4 doing anything to pizz her off. Then maybe if she isnt getting it together talk to her family or write a letter with your concerns.(just some thoughts)


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Thanks for the advice, I am not going to do anything until the divorce is final. We just sent her the doc's for final approval, and to schedule a signing time for her. We both were partiers, but agreed to leavfe it behind after we got married. That is what attracted me to her, she was cool with my past, my demons, I was cool with hers. We were headed in the same in the same direction, until I started travelling for work. Her not getting her PT licence on schedule started weighing on her, and now she is completely lost. I fear she will get stuck in the life she is living right now. She was the glue that held her family together, now she isn't and that scares me. Her brother needs her support, he is weak and she knows it. 

I would rather do it in person, nothing in writing, but based on your thoughts I will have to think about it a little more. Guess main thing at play is the divorce being finalized.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Yeah, I wouldnt do anything to rock the boat until D is a done deal.
Then you can decide the best way to deal with your concerns for her. You may even want to write out what youre going to say and have as many facts as possible that warrant your concern, then you can decide weather to mail it or talk in person. Good luck to ya.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Thanks for the advice, I let you know how it goes.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Today was an interesting day, for I finished paking my house for the movers. The sadness if the house being empty went away when the last box was packed. I realized that my new life is a few days away. I start the drive across the country on 4 days, I can't wait to get on the road. I could feel it all morning, until I dropped paper work off at my attorney's office. She informed my STBX has not responded to our joint filing, it had been 4 days since she was sent the info. How can she ask for the for the divorce and then sit there and do nothing. I sent her a text and email, to be ignored until this evening. She is just wasting time and money, I may have to file for divorce now, alone. She is screwing with me because I leave in 4 days. I hate that she is doing this to me, the affair wasn't enough, now I am a hostage.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Bob feel free to pm me anytime you want, feel free to vent, whatever, you are a great person and you will make it through this. Give this a little time and lets see what happens but do know whatever happens "this to will pass" read Help 235s thread if you havent. Anyways at this point dont jump to conclusions hope for the best but prepare for the worst.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Brewster 59, 

Thanks for the support. I am trying to keep a level head through this thing. I know we are both hurting and it isn't easy on either of us. I keep praying that she will get it together and follow through with her promise of not holding me up. I know that I can't expect it, but I can hope for it.

Last night was my last night on the town. I had a good time, with my buddy. We hit a few of the old spots I would go with my STBX, I didn't feel any sadness; which was a little refreshing. I missed her, but I wasn't sad. My buddy and I talked about her a lot, mostly good things, a few bad. He told me that he always liked her, but thought she never supported me or had my back. He never said anything because she was my wife and he knew I loved her. After hearing that I thought about it and he was really right. She underminded my last job, and me at events. She would make it about her and not my work and responsibilties anytime I would take her with me entertaining clients or events. She would let me work the room for an hour then want to leave or complain. I would always have to invite her friends or family to big parties I threw for work. At the time I didn't care, but looking back she was really selfish. Oh well. 

The movinhg guys are loading the truck right now, my new life starts in 48 hours. I hit the road to never look back. I am going to miss the mountains, not much else.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

I registered just to reply to this thread.

Bob, despite any errors you might have made in your relationship, you seem to be a pretty smart guy who is reflective in nature. While I dont have any wisdom to add to this thread having been fortunate enough to have never suffered through a divorce and as well never having been cheated on (that I know of), I wanted to say I read your comments and truly wish you the best.

From what I can tell, a woman must always have her desires held in check by reason and she must never be able to make her man do whatever she wants. This is not to say disrespect should be present, nor should one ignore the concept of compromise, but a man must maintain the masculine aspects of self-control, he must demand respect, and he must maintain the value of his own mind and his own life. 

Always remember that no time spent happy or in love is ever wasted. In time, when the wounds heal and only scars remain, you should be able to look back on the good times with a smile. Good luck man..


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

O.P. ,

Thanks for the kind words, I can only hope to keep growing this thing and find my way back to happiness. I also know that I will find the happy memories again, but they seem so distant right now. 

The dogs and I started our drive across the country today, it is going a little slower than planned (towing a boat for a freind), and it is more bittersweet than I thought it would be. The sadness of leaving my dream home behind didn't haunt me as much as I thought it would, but starting the drive, new chapter alone hurt quite a bit. This drive should have been with my STBX. Seeing the country together, moving into "our" first new home together, planting our roots, all things that will never happen. Dreams lost forever, at least dreams including her.

The drive stung even more as I approached my first stop, for I received an email from my attorney, my STBX wants a few things changed before she signs off on the joint filing. It is what I wanted, what I needed, but I never really prepared for the day to truly be here. Now that it is here I am going to send her a letter letting her know that I knew about the affair. Letting her know that I love her, will always lover her and pray for her to find peace and her way. I will let her know that I want her to find happiness in life, in a mate that she can love unconditionally, a mate she kind find happiness with, the type of happiness she could not find with me. I will tell her good bye.

I hope telling her things will bring me peace. I want peace and the abililty to know that my marriage is dead and being laid to rest. I am hoping that the flowers on its grave will bloom sooner than later and be glorious in color.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I sent my STBX "the email" last night. I thought it would poinant, long, and revealing. I thought it would explain my feelings, my hopes and dreams for her, but it didn't at all. I just told her I love her and wish her all the best. I told her that I learned about the affair, but did not know all the details, nor do I want to know them. I said goodbye.

I thought that I would feel better, but I don't. There is no closure yet, just more pain. I drove past Park City today and started to cry. We spent 4 days there a few years back before Christmas, talked about having children. Talked about how beautiful they would be, her blue eyes with my tan skin. Bittersweet memories, dreams lost, trappings of my mind, the mind that refuses to take control of my emotions. I need my mind back. 

Does the next chapter start when the divorce is final? Does it start when let go of the love? Does it start when I find someone new? When?


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I haven't heard a word out of teh STBX. She didn't email back or call to say anything about my email. No good-bye, no F*** you, no denial, nothing just a void in what was once our marriage. She hasn't made an appointment to sign th e divorce documents yet, but I am hoping she will this week.

I can't believe that I made it. I am in my new home, and just waiting for the furniture to arrive in a few days. My dogs are doing well, they seem to adjusting to living in a condo instead of a house. I know the miss their yard, but we are close to a dog park.

Is it possible to get a fresh start without closure?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

You may never know the whole story, believe it or not the OM may fall short and the stbx might decide you were pretty good and want to come back. 

You have the dogs and they are mans best friends, I know I love mine. 

Give it some time and you will do fine, your a good man. Think of it this way you are starting a whole new chapter in your life. This chapter may be a lot better than the last chapter. 

I wish you all the luck in the world.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

B59,

Thanks for the words. I was hoping I could start the chapter on a happier note, not feeling sadness or searching for something. I was being naive in believing that I could just move and leave all the feeling back there. It is nice not runnning into people, but I know I left a home behind, family, and friends. They are still there for me, but being in different time zones is a little difficult. They are just leaving work when I am finished eating, so we I am having to get a better schedule together. I know I will, but I am in a hurry.

I wish she wanted me back; not because I would take her back, but rather so I could reject her. I want her to feel the pain and coldness that she has caused me. I want her to feel everything that she has done to me and our family, I know it won't make feel better but I want it non-the-less.

You are right about the dogs, if it weren't for them I would have hit the bottle and gone whoring with in days of learning about her affair. I woiuld have become the man I used to be, but having them was as close as we came to children, so the are my biggest concern, not myself. I love them very much. I am glad to say that they are beginning to adjust to city living, walks every morning and evening to go to the bathroom. Dog parks with a million dogs runnning around.

That is the only good thing that I can see in my new chapter right now, here is to hoping for better paragraph starts.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

The official end of my marriage is getting ever so close. I haven't heard mt STBX's voice in a month, she hasn't communicated with me in 2 weeks. She doesn't even Cc when she emails my attorney. I guess sending her the email confronting her affair made things worse for her, she must truly hate me...no good bye, no f-you, I know that I have said this before, but it just doesn't make sense. It hurts great deal to know that she is completely wiping her life of me, of us. Today should have been a happier day, I finished unpacking and get to sleep in a bed in my bed, only the second time in 2 weeks, no more floor. Yet, I feel sadness since I got a call from my attorney, my STBX made an appointment to go intoday and sign the joint filing docs. I will get them next week and it will be over once I send it back.

I never wanted this, never wanted to start a new life alone, but I am. I would have done anything for her, but that wasn't enough, that still kills me. In the beginning of the seperation I never wanted to wake up, I didn't want ot feel the pain. Now I don't want to fall asleep becuase I don't want to see her face or feel her in my dreams, nightmares really. I see her alone, with other people trying to hurt me, trying to kill me. I know it isn't real, maybe has some truth to it since her actions were killing my soul. Killing the man I wanted to be...a good husband, a father(someday), a partner, a half of our whole, and a friend. I lost all those things with her, I know I will have them again someday, it just seems so far away.

I guess I will never know what was a lie or what was truth in our marriage...I know I have to stop searching for it since it is so consuming. I need more strength, need more hope, now more than ever. I am here and she is there and just doesn't feel right. I know this probably doesn't make sense, I can't keep my thoughts straight tonight...I just need a good night sleep...


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

This weekend was a little rough on me, for I am in a new city and the only people I know are married. All the people I am introduced to are married with kids, they are all great to be around. While I am with them it is fun, but when I get home alone with my thoughts I grow sad. I think of all the things that I no longer have, the promises that were not kept. I see in there children the kids we had talked about, how they would look, the father I would be, the mother she would be. All of my dreams have become nightmares, literally. I used to rarely remeber my dreams or nightmares, but the last week I can remember one to two, and they suck! They all have her in them taunting me, her guy taunting me. I hate closing my eyes.

"I had a dream once, but then I woke up."...from Carlito's Way.

Damn dreams.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Well the end is finally here or just within grasp. I just signed the joint filing, it is in the Fed Ex out box right now. It will be with my attorney tomorrow or Friday. Then it goes to a judge for approval, I should be divorced a week from today. I can't believe it is already here, the end of my marriage.

I feel happy and sad all at once. I know that things are going to get better, I am going to find someone that will love me for me. Love my passion, my fire, my determination and not ask me to change; to only hate the changes that were made.

The toughest thing in my life right now is not getting closure w/ my STBX, here ignoring me, no good bye, no F*** off, nothing. It is just cold and childish.

I am happy in that I have gotten so much encouragement from friends and people are finally starting to be honest with me about her. I have had to face I built her up in my head, but now I am learning that she was in someways holding me back. Several mutual friends have told me that they knew I loved her so much, so they didn't want to tell me that she was never going to give up the partying, she just wanted me too. She never intended to move with me, she thought I would quit, would be to scared to change careers, that I would miss the rush of building.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I started to lose myself in our marriage because I was scared of losing her...scared she wouldn't love me anymore if I kept being the man she fell in love with, funny thing is that is who she fell in love with, not the man I have grown to be. She wanted the party guy that threw money around on anyting and everything: bottle services at bars, artwork, and watches, went on trips, strip clubs, didn't care about the future just the present, the guy with power in his industry, the guy who used anger to win deals put people out of business. She wanted all those things, but forgot that with marriage and age those things and people evolve. I gave up the partying to be a good husband(her request), I gave up the trips and blowing through cash to support her at school and home(things a good husband should do), I let go of the anger because she said it scared her, and I knew it wasn't healthy. A good businessman can't just rely on emotions, I have learned that with age. She just couldn't love me with my growth as human and a man. Her loss not mine.

I know that I will be that guy again to some degree, for that is who I am at the core. I will just look for a partner that will love me; for who I am. A fired up, a little greedy at times, fun loving party guy; who believes that you work hard to play hard.

I don't know where life is going to take me, butI am sure that I am going to enjoy the ride; whether it is with someone or not!


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> Well the end is finally here or just within grasp. I just signed the joint filing, it is in the Fed Ex out box right now. It will be with my attorney tomorrow or Friday. Then it goes to a judge for approval, I should be divorced a week from today. I can't believe it is already here, the end of my marriage.
> 
> I feel happy and sad all at once. I know that things are going to get better, I am going to find someone that will love me for me. Love my passion, my fire, my determination and not ask me to change; to only hate the changes that were made.
> 
> ...


For the record, I think its really messed up that she couldnt even give you closure. I mean it would be one thing if you wronged her, but you didnt. She is definitely being a child.

You want to know whats messed up? Shes doing one of three things when she sees your emails or hears your voicemail:
1) Shes deleting them right away without reading/listening (to) them.
2) Shes reading them and contradicting them, or interjecting to herself about what a loser/bad husband/failure/how-it-was-all-your-fault, and then not replying because she doesnt care whether you get closure and/or is too lazy.
3) She sees your subtle or overt request for closure and sickly ENJOYS not replying because she knows it brings you pain.

Man, the things people do to the ones they once loved. Disgusting. At least be amicable and friendly with one another, and accept that things simply didnt work out. But hell no- instead they say mean things and become ruthless, exploitative, and cruel.

Im glad shes out of your life if she is capable of such things. I wish you the best and im sure your story, however unfortunate, will be comforting for those who will come to these crossroads in the future. Good luck..


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I got an email this morning from my attorney, she is hitting up for more money to finish the filing, my STBX's quibling over grammer in our settlement cost me 3 more billable hours at the rate of $375.00 per. I am not kidding when I say grammer, she refused to sign until grammatical items were changed, her changes did not effect the settlement in her favor from mine. She just looked for a way to screw me again, knowing that I was paying the attorney.

I had no idea she was being so difficult as she stopped Cc-ing my on emails long ago. I have never called her names, but a few came to mind this morning when I got the email.

I hate thinking of money at a time like this, but she has cost me a fortune to know, being with her could have put my niece through dental school, I guess I was right when I told my counselor that I felt like a mark.

Love and a great sex life isn't enough to get married!!!! They tell you they are, but when one partner is screwed in the head, you are screwed in everything else!


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Was or am I lying to myself now? I love my STBX and think about her a lot, but now I am looking at other women in entirely different way. Is it to soon? Friends both married and single are trying to set me up with people to go out with, remember I am in a new city, a city voted one of best to be single in. Two weeks ago I would have been a basket case when these conversations came up, last night I was close to being one, not for her but me. I felt like I lost my edge, my abiltiy to do this on my own, now I have people doing it for me...it is nice bat sad. 

Am I crazy for wanting to meet new women so soon? is it healthy? Did I ever really love her if I can just flip a switch? Or am I liar just like her?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> Was or am I lying to myself now? I love my STBX and think about her a lot, but now I am looking at other women in entirely different way. Is it to soon? Friends both married and single are trying to set me up with people to go out with, remember I am in a new city, a city voted one of best to be single in. Two weeks ago I would have been a basket case when these conversations came up, last night I was close to being one, not for her but me. I felt like I lost my edge, my abiltiy to do this on my own, now I have people doing it for me...it is nice bat sad.
> 
> Am I crazy for wanting to meet new women so soon? is it healthy? Did I ever really love her if I can just flip a switch? Or am I liar just like her?


Only you can answer this question. I will say that a betrayal like this can cause a lack of confidence. I think you should give yourself some time to heal b4 getting into a SERIOUS relationship but really you might try going out on a date and see if you have fun. 

Dont see where the switch thing comes in, you were a faithful H, you tryed to work things out with your X, she cheated on you and didnt want to work things out. The marriage is a dead chapter in your life. 

So now your life is about you and your happiness, so if dating is something you want to do, there is nothing wrong with it at all.
If you want to take some time to heal thats cool too.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

B59,

Thanks for the insight and advice...you are right about the confidence issue, it is down a little. By know means am I a guy that when walking into a room women look at and think I want to shag that guy, but I am a guy that can always close the deal when needed. I feel like I can't as easily right now, not that I want to at this moment, I would just like to know that I still have it.

I am thinking about dating, but haven't committed to it completely, honestly I miss our sex life. The thought of being with another women is a fantasy while you are married, but now that it is here, I have reservations. I loved her body, her six pack, toned legs, every inch of her. I am afraid that I will campare every body to her, even if the next is better, I know she will enter my mind.

CNB


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> B59,
> 
> Thanks for the insight and advice...you are right about the confidence issue, it is down a little. By know means am I a guy that when walking into a room women look at and think I want to shag that guy, but I am a guy that can always close the deal when needed. I feel like I can't as easily right now, not that I want to at this moment, I would just like to know that I still have it.
> 
> ...


Well the fact that you will b thinking about your X and comparing everyone you date against your X means you arent over your X. Could it be you might still be putting your X on a pedestol? Or was she really so hot that she put could put Sandra Bullick to shame? My only point is that the fact you will be comparing a date to your x means your not over her yet, and dont put her on a pedestol, but hey nothing says you cant go out and get laid even if your not ready to replace your X, right?

Anyways your way further down the road than I am, I bascially am in the HE Man woman hater club now, lucky for me I am 51 so my little head no longer rules my life, on the down side I may get to live the rest of my life alone.....Yeah life is sooo great...everyday is such a blessing from god!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> B59,
> 
> Thanks for the insight and advice...you are right about the confidence issue, it is down a little. By know means am I a guy that when walking into a room women look at and think I want to shag that guy, but I am a guy that can always close the deal when needed. I feel like I can't as easily right now, not that I want to at this moment, I would just like to know that I still have it.
> 
> ...


A while back I bought a book called “Super Sex”. I bought it for myself while at the same time hoped my wife would read it, she never did.

The thoughts you are having are very real and not at all unusual. Others have the same thoughts. I’ve been having a few intimate conversations with long term married friends and both husband and wife say they simply couldn’t imagine sleeping with anyone else, they simply wouldn’t know what to do or where to start they’ve become so used to one another. At 61 and after 40 odd years with my wife you may imagine where I’m at lol. But I find “romance” is entering my head again so I’m trying to prepare for it.

Since we’ve been separated I picked the book up again and found there’s a chapter in it about this very thing, what to do after a long term marriage with a new romance partner. I learnt a lot in just a few short minutes of reading the chapter. I think the essence of the message is that both parties will be somewhat apprehensive and nervous and the author gives both the male and the female perspectives.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I guess I am still putting her on a pedastol still, I need to work that out for sure. As for her beauty, she was gorgeous to me, but by know means the must beautiful woman in the world or the most beautiful I have ever dated. There was just something about her that I loved dearly, in life and sexually, I guess that is why I married her. That is why we marry our wives isn't it, each of finds something that we just can't let go of with that one one woman. 

I loved that she accepted my past, man wh0ring, she even just to joke about it...calling me stripper f***er. That I dated 19 year olds when I turned 30, all of these things I see helped put her on the pedistal. I know that I had issues, demons really that she helped me get over, I miss that, I guess, the wanting to be a better man for her not just myself.

I see who I was whoring, yes it is fun while you are doing it, but it does take a toll on you. Especially when your closest friends are all happily married, it never goes over well when my date is a stripper, 19, or both. I think that is where the issue is really, I have to grow and find a woman again, not a girl.

Thanks for mentioning the pedastal, it definitely openned a entire area inside of me that I need to look at and deal with soon.


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## Endnote (Aug 15, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> Was or am I lying to myself now? I love my STBX and think about her a lot, but now I am looking at other women in entirely different way. Is it to soon? Friends both married and single are trying to set me up with people to go out with, remember I am in a new city, a city voted one of best to be single in. Two weeks ago I would have been a basket case when these conversations came up, last night I was close to being one, not for her but me. I felt like I lost my edge, my ability to do this on my own, now I have people doing it for me...it is nice bat sad.
> 
> Am I crazy for wanting to meet new women so soon? is it healthy? Did I ever really love her if I can just flip a switch? Or am I liar just like her?


I wouldn't say your crazy at all. But I don't think it's healthy. You honestly need to give yourself time to heal. You're clearly still in love with her based on how often you've posted about this. And jumping right into a relationship or a one night stand could easily lead you to regret -physically, psychologically, mentally. Take your time man. Wait for the day you can wake up realizing you're over her. I've put my STBX up on a pedestal too. During the marriage I fantasized about other women through porn and the like. But after she left I realized she was more attractive than I ever thought. The old saying "you never know what you have until its gone" comes to mind. Now I realize more than ever it would be damaging to my own healing process to try anything, be it sexually or emotionally charged. Just be cautious, and don't make a decision in your current state. Just be around friends and let time heal you man.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I know being around friends is good for me, but I have no single friends where I live now. The only people I know are married, all who are supportive, but don't fully grasp all of my emotions right now. They tell me to move on get out there, but it isn't as easy as they think, as everyone here knows. Also, I started travel again for work this week and will probably travel a more than I planned originally, needing money sucks.

To make things worse, a friend that I talk to regularly, a female, only met my STBX once looked her up on Facebook. She started talking about how beautiful she is, and how we must have looked together. I know she was trying to help me, but it hurt to hear. She was trying to tell me that I will meet someone as beautiful and smart as her, yet it just reminded me of what I lost.

I know I am not over her, but I have flashes where I feel like I am, then I have moments where I am not. 

I think being with another woman would help, but I also know that it is just avoiding healing and any possible growth.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I don't know what to say...I no longer have a STBX. She is officially my X, the judge signed off on everything yesterday. I was not prepared to get that call this morning, I thought there would be a few more weeks, I have been trying to prepare for this, but now it is here. Thank god all of my meetings are done for the day, I can go to the gym, head to the airport and head home. 

I don't know if this is a sign, but it is freaking me out...the movie that is on in my hotel room is one of 4 movies that was on a constant loop in our over the water Bungilow on our honeymoon. My X and I loved teh movie, but could n't watch it because it was on our entire honeymoon. She likes having the tv on while she gets ready, and it was always on. Is it a sign that with the beginning of our life together their was this movie a mutual love of ours, now with the death of our marriage, there is this movie.

My relationship was in chemo therapy, I know that part of me was hoping for a cure, a life saving measure to get us back together, but now I know it prolonged death. It is dead now, I can't just take it and bury it in the back yard, for I don't have one. I don't know if I should be mourning or happy. I can truly know that I am starting over, alone, which is a good and bad thing.

All my days on here, posting, giving advise and I feel like I am right where I started, unsure and sad. This rollercoaster is crazy ride, a ride I never wanted to get in line for, get on, or ride for that matter. I wish I knew how long it was going to last, how many loops, peaks and valleys were left. Have I been a total hypercrite, despensing advice? Advice that I don't even know that I could follow? 

I know that I have made drastic changes in my life, but does that count as manning the F-up, when I am still so sad inside? God I love and hate her so much, but now she is officially out of my life.

What next?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

When is your earliest memory? Mine’s sitting a bath tub on the kitchen floor at about age three, fifty-eight years ago.

In time your mind will categorise everything, the thoughts, feelings and emotions associated with your time with your wife. In time your marriage will become a chapter in your book of life. I have a tendency to think on only the happy and joyful times In my life and when I look back that’s what I see.

Love and anger are different sides of the same coin. So I’m guessing in a way you’re still in love with your ex wife. That may always be the way of it but in time the strength of the feelings you’re having will diminish and eventually fade away to a happy memory. When you’ve reached the point you can accept all that you’ll also know that things do indeed pass, things come and go in our lives and at times although we do our best some of the things we most wanted didn’t happen. You’ll accept that as well.

After a period of time you’ll begin to open your personal doors probably hesitantly at first to let somebody else have a peek inside of you. When you find someone to let in, they will begin to occupy your time and the memories of your ex wife and marriage will fade even further in your mind.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Bob, 

Thanks for the kind words. Reality is a real b*tch. I am looking forward to the happy memeories you mentioned and not living with the thoughts and feelings inside of me. I know someday there will be another, or at least pray there will be. It's just so damn disappointing, being divorced. It is a word that I never believed would come out of my mouth. I once told the X, one of would have be dead to be apart. I guess I was totally wrong there, or partially wrong, her love for me is dead. Guess she was on board with my theory.

Have you already openned those doors? If so how long did it take you? Anyone else have thoughts on this? I am especially curious to know where people are at that are still in love as I obviously am, and have been in denial about it.

I know it is not healthy, but I want a rebound relationship to stop feeling for her, work can only fill part of the void, books can only fill part of the void, friends, and dogs only fill part of the void. Damn, I am still really screwed up over this whole f-ing thing.

Being strong to take my life back was easier than having my life back and not knowing where it is headed. I have never been uncertain in my life, now everything is a haze. Rambling now, sorry.....


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi CNB,
No. My doors haven’t opened yet. I’ve lady’s knocking but I’m not there as yet. In fact my doors are quite firmly but softly closed. I’m told “just date”. But that’s not me, not who I am. Plus I haven’t a clue as yet who to date. I believe we all have “types of people we date”. My wife was very much my type of person, so very much. I’m still way too analysing, what if’s, but if then that type of thing.

My decision is to build my new life as a very independent person. I don’t need another dependent person in my life. If I see someone I like and who after a bit more analysis would like to share my world with me then that’s the way I’ll go.

Reality is sometimes a bogger. A very hard place to be … but then the sun comes up like it always does. Your sun will come up. It always does for The Good Men.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Bob, 

Thanks for sharing. I like you am not a dater. Never have been, don't think I ever will be. I have friends trying to get me to date online, hire one of the executive dating services. It just isn't my style though, I just don't know. I have always been very independent to a fault, going to dinner, movies, and vacations alone. Then I met my X and everything changed.

Now that I am going at it alone again, I know I will adjust and enjoy doing thing alone. This is what has friends worried, that I will be here in this new city for a year before I go out or do anything. I am okay with it, but they aren't so I feel pressure. 

I guess I will just play it by ear and see what happens. 

I am glad that there are women interested in you, it has to help with you esteem even if the doors are closed. Feeling wanted is always good.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It is a matter of adjustment. Acceptance first of what happened in the past, then adjustment to who we are now and the new circumstances we find ourselves in. The last time I was looking for another woman was over 40 years ago and believe it or not my mind is kind of stuck in those times of long ago. So I’m adjusting to the age I am now plus the new circumstances I find myself in at this age. I know it’s going to take a while for it all to sink in and become a part of who I’ve turned out to be. Just need to discover who that is lol. It’ll take me a while.

Some say that when we’re young and looking to start a family we’re attracted to people who are our opposite, each person making up for what the other doesn’t have in their character and coming together as one type of thing. My wife and I are opposite in so many ways it’s unbelievable. I know the love is still there on both sides but now we don’t have a “family”, our two sons are well grown and living their own lives, the opposite sides of our character no longer have a function. We each tried living for a few years in one another’s “worlds” and it turned out what was good for one of us wasn’t good for another. We simply could not live in peace and harmony with a fulfilling life in the others’ world.

My understanding is that now I need to look for someone who is very much like me, a somewhat frightening thought lol. Someone who shares the same philosophy of life, who enjoys sports, likes the same interests like archaeology, photography that sort of thing. Living with such a person would be very different for me. Then there’s the physical side of things, that’s always been very important to me.

I think I’m going to find such a person simply by doing what I enjoy doing and living a full and healthy life.

It is immensely helpful to know that women still find me “attractive” and does my self-esteem a lot of good. But as yet I’ve a good idea who I am but I’m not all the way there as yet so starting a new relationship at his point in time will I think inhibit somewhat my personal growth. One of the things I’m somewhat afraid of is the emotional entanglement that will surely come with a new relationship. I had a lot of that and no way am I ready to walk back into it.

So I guess I’m very much like you. I’ll get on with my life in the best way I know how and if it happens then all well and good.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Bob,

I am suer you will find someone that will make you happy. I know you will.

It is funny, you mentioned something about when starting a family you loook for a mate that is opposite of you. I found that my X was that exactly and it didn't work out, so do I still do that or stick start looking for someone who is more like me?

I am very upfront on my wants in life and relationships, my X was not, she would hold it against me at times. So do I keep holding true and look for a woman that has the same views as I and hope for the best when looking for a matre to start a family or look for someone to compliment me flaws in prep for starting a family?

This is all very confusing...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi CNB,
It’s Carl Jung who said those things about opposites coming together to start a family. They’re back to back doing things for the family. Then if all goes well and the children leave home there’s more time on the partners hands and for perhaps for the first time they turn round and take a good like at one another and perhaps realise they have a stranger in their lives and it’s time to get to know another over again. Also happens when people retire and are now living 24x7 with one another.

I can’t see I had a choice when I fell in love with my wife and in love I stayed for 42 years. This time is very different.

My son was married for three years and got divorced. After he said he’d “married his mum”, he’s very much like me and his mum is opposite to both of us. This time round he’s been with a young woman for three years very much more like he is. She speaks her mind and is very up front with both her thoughts and emotions. They thoroughly enjoy doing things together and have a lot of appreciation as well as love for one another.

Don’t know if that helps you CNB. I reckon old cupids going to be firing some of his arrows at you and when the time is right you’re going to spot them and maybe even hold onto one but I also reckon you’ll be looking at it a great deal before you decide what to do with it.

Here’s a thought. I understand if a woman sees a man she thinks she could like she sends him five signals over time. But us men being somewhat ignorant about these things don’t catch on very quickly and after the fifth signal she gives up. I was surprised to learn for example that eye contact of three seconds is a pretty massive signal. Maybe like me you’ll buy a few books on body language and behaviour. Allan Peas is very good. Then we get to know about body language, which is really the world of women, and learn a few of their secrets. Knowing about body language will hold you in good stead throughout your life, not just with the women you chose to share it with.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Bob,

Thanks for the advice I will definitely look at teh books on body language. Any help would be good help these days, being out of the game, and looking for someone different.

Have a great day.

CNB


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> Bob,
> 
> Thanks for the advice I will definitely look at teh books on body language. Any help would be good help these days, being out of the game, and looking for someone different.
> 
> ...


Watch out for the sun in the morning. It'll come up. You'll feel the warmth. We all journey around the sun every year, sometimes its far away and we feel cold, sometimes its near and we feel warm, it's called life. You don't know it as yet but you will be happy, joyful and content.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Again, thanks for the kind words. It helps me keep me going and things in perspective. Even more important the encouragement I have recieved here have helped me become a better listener and person to lean on for friends taht are going through divorces right now.

I will say this, there is something really bad in the water in my hometown. I have 4 more good friends who are currently going through divorces, all resulting from EA's and possible PA's. 3 starting from Facebook, spouses living in the past, or dream world of what could be or could have been.

Here's to being supportive and keeping your chin up!

CNB


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I almost started crying on the boat today infront of kids and a bunch of guys...we were talking about the future and a friends coming baby. I realized at that moment that I am alone and am starting all over.

I have a long way to go. I am also having nightmares about her lies, EA every night. I guess I need to start looking for a counselor, or figure outto get the bad memories out of my mind.

I let her go...no just have to get her out of my head.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It takes a while. I was in a supermarket the other day having a coffee waiting for some friends to finish shopping. A thought about my wife just popped into my head and my eyes started watering and I thought not here in a supermarket of all places. I said to myself this too will pass and it did. These things are big time and very deep inside of us. It’s like some sort of universal spirit like we’re all linked together in a spiritual way.

Get her out of your head? Maybe the thoughts just need to be replaced by something else. There’s a book called Awareness by Anthony de Mello I found it immensely helpful. Then there’s Buddhism and meditation. Your soul and spirit needs a bit of nurturing, these things help with that.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I joined a new gym last night, that makes 3 memberships, one national gym for my work travel. At least this one has parking, my second one is meant for commuters. I walk to and from work now, and then ride my bike to the gym when I get out of my suit, going to winter before you know it.

The long short of it is I need to get my X out of my head, I know that, so I joined a gym with tons of talent, solely to get her out of my mind. Don't know if that is going to be heatlth or not, but I know I have to do something, I think about her at least 10 times a day.

I really feel like going out whoring, but I know that won't be healthy for me, right? Any thoughts? Replace the pain with something else?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I wrote a bio of my time with my wife, from the time I first saw her to the time we separated. It helped me put things in perspective and get all my thoughts about our times together on paper. Occasionally I re read it. It helped me "compartmentalise” our time together with respect to my life so far as a whole and helped me close that chapter of my life.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I have been avoiding posting...I am totally broken. I am stuck in the sadness. Reading book isn't helping me, talking about it isn't helping me. Parts of me just want to get on a flight and go back and try to get her back, even after everything she has done. Then there are days where I would like to go and shout from the rough tops she is a cheat and a liar, just stuck being divorced sucks.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> I have been avoiding posting...I am totally broken. I am stuck in the sadness. Reading book isn't helping me, talking about it isn't helping me. Parts of me just want to get on a flight and go back and try to get her back, even after everything she has done. Then there are days where I would like to go and shout from the rough tops she is a cheat and a liar, just stuck being divorced sucks.


That's how I feel too about my husband who in a week will be ex husband(cheater too)

I can't watch TV or read a book but talking to friends does help little bit. However I always hear the same thing: Be strong, you will be Ok. I think some of them don't want to hear about my problems too. I feel like I am hollow on the inside if you know what I mean. Maybe one day I will chuckle at all this but right now it is really tough. On top of everything I am flying down to Ct for the divorce date but I could not get any flights back that afternoon so I have to stay one more night in CT.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

The pain is getting worse, I saw my wife's picture on FB. She looked amazing as always, and was partying like the old days. Posted herself and another girl in their Burning Man outfits, barely any clothes, absolutely gorgious. I wish Iwas still with her, even with all teh pain she caused me.

I always get depressed during the fall, this one is going to suck really bad. I feel like dying, divorce is the worst thing in the world, I thought her cheating was, but her not being my wife is much worse....praying for a good day soon.


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## olivia234 (Sep 19, 2010)

ive read all the posts of the last pages looking for some sort of hope.... Facebook is a pain in the A** i saw pics of my ?? (dont even know what to call him anymore) and it hurt to see him having fun with family while im going through all the pain.. mine wasent a cheater he was an alcholic and abuser.

all i can say is this what dosent break us can only make us stronger so all the people who are on here can find hope that if it dosent break u it will make u a stronger person and everything happens for a reason, thats what gets me through it... but to be honest all ur going through im just starting so thank you for sharing


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Distance from a situation is supposed to make easier...so they say. It makes it yougher for me, I am getting worse by the day not better. Bad thoughts enter my mind several times a day now, things I thougt I would never think, can't afford counselling anymore, can't afford anything these days. The first time in my life where I have worried about money, I mean really worried. I am so tired of it all, I wish I could close my eyes and never wake up again.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

CNB, there are times in our life when we’re tortured with our thoughts about the past and the thoughts of our future. It is called depression. You sound like you are depressed. The word comes from the stooped shoulders and stooped head caused by our thoughts and the emotions associated with them, “depressed”.

This may sound crazy to you at the moment, but try it. I doubt that you can see the beauty of what is around you right now. In a way you need to wake up and smell the roses. Live in the moment and for the moment. Pick up a flower and study it, really look at one of natures wonders. Pick up a seed and look at the plant created by the seed and think of natures wonder. How did that seed turn into a plant, or a tree? Walk through a park and “see” it. See the grass and touch the trees and everything else there. It’s called “The Power of Now”. While you’re doing these things put a smile on your face, it will make you feel better.

At one time I’d forgotten the beauty of the world around me. Now I’m in awe of different colours in the sky, of sunsets and sun rises.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Bob, 

Thanks for the words, it is funny when I first read them I was in complete denial, me depressed no way. Then I started thinking about your advice, stop smell the roses. I started to feel like sh!t, thinking about how I wanted to be with her to do that, looking at the sky, mountains, trees, and thinking about or future together. The sadness I felt right them hit me like a ton of bricks, I was, or am pining for something that I will never have again, something that obviously I never had in the first place. I realized through your words, I was living in a world of sadness, a world I want out of, need out of. I went striaght to the gym in my hotel. Called a friend and made plans for the weekend. I admitted to myself and my friend that I was stressed, moving across the country, new career, and divorce within months of eachother.

Getting back on the horse isn't easy, but I know I have to ride again. I have spent so much time searching for what went wrong that I forgot nothing is wrong with me. Her issues not mine, she quit not me...she's running form life, not me. All things to remember, but most importantly I need to remember to live.

CNB


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Well done CNB. I didn’t take the medication route out of it, went off on a bit of a spiritual journey. I found a lot I naturally agreed with in Buddhism. Learnt to meditate that sort of thing.

I think the most important things are exactly what you are doing. Exercise can truly lift us while at the same time get us fitter. Planning events in the future, a week, month, a year away is also very important as we’ve something to look forward to and things to do to get us there.

But it’s so important to enjoy the journey as well as the destination. I took up photography again, to get me “into the now”, into the moment of the day and see what it is that’s around me.

In a while you will come to accept what has happened. If you’re like me you’ll not put any more importance on the what’s and why fors. They’ll lose their significance. Then you’ll find there’ll be others tapping gently on your door and you’ll know when you’re ready to let them in.

Bob


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> Distance from a situation is supposed to make easier...so they say. It makes it yougher for me, I am getting worse by the day not better. Bad thoughts enter my mind several times a day now, things I thougt I would never think, can't afford counselling anymore, can't afford anything these days. The first time in my life where I have worried about money, I mean really worried. I am so tired of it all, I wish I could close my eyes and never wake up again.


Don't think that way, the best thing in your life could be right around the corner. Use the pain and hurt to become more aware of your true potential and what you can accomplish.

Read this :

DivorceMag: Spiritual Divorce


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

AFEH and Notaclue,

Thanks for the support, but the hopelessness still seems to creep in everyday. I have a friend, who is going through a divorce as well, and we talk everyday. She has been a blessing in many ways, but she lives across the country, my home town. More importantly she is not my X, who I am still in love with, deeply. I just don't know anymore. I can't focus on work, living anything...I know it is worse now then when everything started.

I am beginning to second guess my decision of granting her wish for the divorce, not confronting the affair right out of the gate. I wish I forced the issue of looking into herself, instead of running from herself. Just don't know.

I have realized that I was a man that lived to work, to make money, do anything and everything I wanted; then I met and married her. She became my focus and still is my focus. I know it is a bit unhealthy, I just know.

I have been trying to open myself to others, but she keeps coming into my mind.

The nightmares have gotten worse over the last two weeks, what does that mean?

I truly understand the saying, Dieing from a broken heart.

CNB


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

CNB, i was in that stage 3 years ago and beleive i attempted suicide 2 times but never a success, life has no meaning and I don't undertsnad what is Gods purpose for making me suffer, but you know God has a better plan for you, you may not understand now but wait patiently and it will come... I am a living proof of God given grace, i barely survive at that time, with out my kids i'm gone..i am happy and I survived, i never knew how much burden my x husband is until I am on my own


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Anna - thanks for the kind words...I am glad that you are doing better now. Being strong and there for kids is a great thing, you have a lot of great life to lead from here.

I know that my life will work out, it always does...I know that the pain will go away...it is already starting to get easier since I last posted. 

In posts long ago, I mentioned that I was talking to a friend that was going through a divorce as well, she is still in my home town. Our friendship had evolved into a physical relationship and we speak daily, it has helped a great deal. she is a good person, for she lets me pine over my X. she tells me to go on dating websites, tells me that I have more work to do. She is a great person, a person helping get over the pain, and see the the future, where ever it may take me. It is nice thing, but the distance is brutal, but also helpful, for I have to deal with everything alone in most respects.

I am still having a tough time being around all my married friends here, but what can you do.

I have also realized, no disrespect intended, but woman are crazy...another female friend has proven it to me through her actions. We have had a long complicated relationship, but never dated, or slept together, yet we have always been close. Confided in one another about our lives, marriages, and my divorce, she knows more about me than most other people. Long story short, she is not talking to me any longer because I have formed a friendship with the another female, and that our last few conversations were about her not me since I have felt like I was complaining about my life, my X. I also haven't talked to her as much, she is married and I am now single, it isn't very appropiate for me to talk to her about all of those things any longer right?

That is the question now, how close can you be with people of the opposite sex if you are single and they are married. When I was married the lines were clear, I had friend that I could bounce things off of to get a married womans perspective. Now I don't want ot step on another mans toes. Does that make sense...think I a rambling now.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> That is the question now, how close can you be with people of the opposite sex if you are single and they are married. When I was married the lines were clear, I had friend that I could bounce things off of to get a married womans perspective. Now I don't want ot step on another mans toes. Does that make sense...think I a rambling now.


It does make a heck of a lot of sense. I’m more or less in the same boat as yourself, a single guy amongst married friends. There’s one friend where there’s a strong mutual attraction and she started to confide in me. The body language between the two of us is clear and I find exceptional difficult to hide. It’s like it happens naturally and it’s two way. So I just stay away most of the time and only see them occasionally. The husband said we don’t see you so much these days. He’s a wise, worldly man and I think he knows and appreciates what I’m doing.

It is a difficult one.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Getting weirder by the day...I went out for the first time in my knew home, with new friends. Some married and some single, I had a great time, but also left feeling hopeless. I watched married women forget they were married, act like the were single. Even a married one I know, was getting a little to close to me. I just don't know what the hell is going on in the world today.

All I want is to hear I love you from someone who means it, a person that knows the difference between fantacies and reality. Keep them in you mind, but not in you flesh, reality.

Trying to get out there just makes everything worse. I think about my X everytime I try to forget about her and do things for myself. Like I was fit for both of us, I earned for both of us, I wanted for both of us...sadly still do. I am still madly inlove with her. Someday I hope it goes away.

This is one crazy ride!!! I want off.:scratchhead:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

CNBob, I feel for you. I truly do. 

What I have to say may sound harsh. That is not my intention. I have no wish to make you feel worse. What I do wish is that you can free yourself from this self-inflicted torture and find your way back to happiness, for you, by you.

You aren't in love with her Bob, you're addicted to her. You are addicted to what she represents, not who she is.

She doesn't love you. She hurt you ... deeply. The woman you fell in love with doesn't exist any more. There is
nothing positive that she can, will, or wants to contribute to your life any longer.

But you are keeping that version of her alive in your mind. That is what you anguish over. 

No human being should ever have that much power over you. Not ever. Especially not one that has betrayed you.
She is no longer responsible for your happiness, or for that matter, your sadness. It's yours. You own it.

Stop choosing to give her power to hurt you. Take your life back for you. There is a difference between grieving a loss and using it as a blanket to smother yourself with.

Stop thinking of her in terms of this angel of happiness that you lost and now your life will never be the same.
The better analogy is that she is more like a drug that is destroying your life and your sense of self. She's like
an addiction and you truly need to start looking at it that way, and find a way to kick it.

I'm not criticizing you. I appreciate that you share the way you are feeling. I went through this too.
Once I stopped looking at her as an ideal, and acknowledged that she is a person - and a damaged one at that, the ideal just didn't fit any more.

I've moved on. Took many, many, months, lots of mixed messages and confusion. But I let her go, and have found happiness - lots of it, on the other side.

I want that for you too.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Deejo,

Thank you so much. Your words ring some truth, a truth I have been avoiding. You are so right that I have been living in the past and my hopes for what I wanted...but lost.

I guess I am having a tough time with the failure of my marriage, and understanding how it falied in the manner it did...her being weak.

I am hoping for happiness, one like you have, but I get lost looking for it. I used to never use the word hope. I think it leaves room for doubt and failure.

I know I will get there, advice like yours helps me get down the path.

I still don't know how to view women, married women that is.

Thanks again.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Funny thing, I was travelling this last week for work. I didn't feel the pain I felt before, but rather a haunting. I feel like the ghiost of my past is with me everywhere I go. I'm not scared of it anymore, just want it vacated from my presence.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

CodeNameBob said:


> Funny thing, I was travelling this last week for work. I didn't feel the pain I felt before, but rather a haunting. I feel like the ghiost of my past is with me everywhere I go. I'm not scared of it anymore, just want it vacated from my presence.


I understand that feeling.

I think in some ways everyone from our past is still with us in one way or another. Long passed away grandparents, great uncles and aunts, parents etc. They can be recalled instantly with a switch of our mind’s focus or simply by looking at a photograph. Then we can dwell on the memories we have of them and in that way they are still with us.

Those memories never leave us. I’m still in our home where my wife was and she’s everywhere here, in my memory. I’ve triggers all over the place that switch my mind into memories. But I’ve got comfortable with it and when the sadness comes I hold it for a while and then let it pass. I’ve to sell the place but I know she’ll come with me in my memories and I’m comfortable with that. One day I’ll just think on the good and I’ll be comfortable with that as well.

I do believe though that the more we move forward with our life, the more we do with ourselves the more our memories recede and the less they come back into our short term memory.

But what’s the old saying … Gone but never forgotten. Life is like that.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

The holiday's suck. I was with friends, but felt totally alone. Thanksgiving was our holiday to travel together, just the two of us, or meet friends for dinner. All I thought about was her, I am terrified of Christmas, I will be alone again.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

If anyone cares, the lies never end. They build on themselves, whether it is the original lie of your spouse, or the lie that you are now living. I am trying to not lie to myself any more, but everyone I know wants me to be happy, but it has been six months since my divorce was finallized and I am still sad and miserable. Yet, I act happy and pretend that I am no longer hurt, mad, and a little lost; proving that the lies only get worse. My X ruined my Christmas, texting me telling me to stop talking to her family...only making me more mad and sad.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Right when you think your life is getting back on track, moving forward it kicks you in the nuts! The "X" is causing issues again, see what kind of lies she tells the IRS. Just got a document I had to fill out because of her, oh joy!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

CodeNameBob said:


> Right when you think your life is getting back on track, moving forward it kicks you in the nuts! The "X" is causing issues again, see what kind of lies she tells the IRS. Just got a document I had to fill out because of her, oh joy!


Had similar from my ex. The lies, the deceit, still happening. 
Just getting used to the BS from her.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

You reopened your thread I joined TAm much later then the post about xmas but she doesn't get that right. If her family wants to talk to you that is their choice just hang up on her. Granted probaly not the best thing emotionaly but dont not talk to them because she said so.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I haven't heard my X's voice since August, just texts. I have given up on speaking to her family, the pain is to great. Sadly, I think she has convinces themand herself the divorce was my doing...just don't want to deal with that anymore. To all of you going through it now, get as much closure as you can now or as soon as it ends...being in my shoes sucks. Never confronting her lies, cheating, and quitting. I married a fighter, woman of character, a determined person, and I divorced a deceptive, weak alcoholic. A women that couldn't grow...now I am stuck in limbo asking why and how...in love with what I once had....Good luck everyone. It does get a little better, evryday, at least until you get sucked in.

Damn IRS...we'll see if lied, basically committing perjury to get out of paying her share of taxes. I still pay all of the tax bill, but she is trying to completely screw me!


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## lorrainecook2012 (May 29, 2011)

I know for the fact that once in a relationship, when trust is the one gone, it is tough to build a foundation again. Probably, the issue you don't even want to encounter once being in a relationship is being cheated. Jealousy in relationships usually takes place in the scene and it could make things worse. Having no trust to your partner could mean better ending off the relationship rather than having that cycle of arguments and honeymoon all over again. Yes, it is hard, but think of what good it could do to both of you first. If nothing else does good, then let go.


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