# Hesitant to Expose EA more



## spacemanSpiff (May 19, 2014)

My WW had and maybe still having an EA with a divorced OM. DDay was five weeks ago. After reading some post on TAM decided to expose the OM to members of his family via e-mail. I keep dithering on letting my WW's parents know or our church pastor. My WW did admit to leaning towards leaving on DDay, but since then she acts as if we do have a future in little things she says. My fear is that further exposure of her may trigger a "everyone knows anyway, maybe I should go ahead and leave" attitude in her.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

It did that to me. Just stop now.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> My WW had and maybe still having an EA with a divorced OM. DDay was five weeks ago. After reading some post on TAM decided to expose the OM to members of his family via e-mail. I keep dithering on letting my WW's parents know or our church pastor. My WW did admit to leaning towards leaving on DDay, but since then she acts as if we do have a future in little things she says. My fear is that further exposure of her may trigger a "everyone knows anyway, maybe I should go ahead and leave" attitude in her.


 If she was leaning towards leaving, in my opinion, it isn't just an EA. I have yet to see a thread where a spouse threatens to leave, when some form of improper relationship is discovered and there was no sex involved.

There may be one or two, but those are RARE.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> My WW had and maybe still having an EA with a divorced OM. DDay was five weeks ago. After reading some post on TAM decided to expose the OM to members of his family via e-mail. I keep dithering on letting my WW's parents know or our church pastor. My WW did admit to leaning towards leaving on DDay, but since then she acts as if we do have a future in little things she says. My fear is that further exposure of her may trigger a "everyone knows anyway, maybe I should go ahead and leave" attitude in her.



staying silent wont work out!
you need to first of all demand a n.c. letter/e-mail/call from her to OM and in front of you. Demand that certain bounderies be respected, and then see her reaction. Dont show yourself with fear.... nor mercy!


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## spacemanSpiff (May 19, 2014)

A complicating factor with an NC is that our young daughters are close friends and have often play dates together. 

I can't discount PA, but most of the time they spend together is in the presence are either his and/or our kids. Our kids being friends enabled this EA. When he has custody of his kids, my wife is a de facto step mom. I am usually at work during these times.


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## spacemanSpiff (May 19, 2014)

My WW and OM consider themselves devout Christians, but obviously favor the whole forgiveness of sins things over repentance. I even went the Bible studies with OM.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I second that if she was willing to leave that is more than an ea. Understand you can't "nice" her back it never works.
You will have to force her to make a decision.
Do not beg or cry in front of her anymore and when you do talk to her be emotionless and to the point.
And yes you should tell her family.
To have any chance you have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I think it would be good for your daughter to have some new friends. It is not going to work if your wife is still seeing OM even if your daughter maybe present


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

listen your marriage will not survive the affair, they have just cooled it down and they still see each other and will stay emotionally attached with the continued contact.
I would expose to everyone so everyone else can watch them as well and you demand NC for life……..
If she won't then start taking steps to separate, she will have to decide what is more important him or her family……….
This if not solved with NC for life will drive you insane, have you considered a tap on her phone to see what you are really dealing with…don't tell her just snoop .
Someone is trying to take your family from you wake up don't just sit back and allow this………
Do whatever it takes to stop this.
You can survive her anger not her affair……..
I would expose to the children as well in an age appropriate way …..
Your wife needs to set new boundaries for the marriage to make sure this never happens again.
She is allowing him to meet her needs and she won't need you soon if he is filling them all……..
Shine a light on the affair let the reality of what her life will be if she keeps seeing him……….
She does not have to see him, she can make other arrangements


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I highly suggest you face that fear of her leavnig as an opportunity to find out how committed she is to your marriage.

I was in a similar situation 2 years ago. I decided not to expose to very many people. It did not turn out well for me. You can read my story here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62404-need-help-coping.html 

It's long, but the punch line is, that because she didn't face any consequences, there was no reason for her behavior to change. She stopped doing the things I caught her at. Became better at hiding the things I didn't (went deeper underground). We spent 2 years in false reconcilliation hell where I was constantly second guessing myself and feeling awful for the continuing suspicions I harbored. But in the end it turned out she was having multiple PAs. 

If I had exposed wider earlier I may have gotten more info, or I may have pushed her to leave me. It would have either saved my marriage or ended it two years earlier. Either way, I would be ahead of the game. Exposure isn't a form of punishment. It's a consequence. Why should you as the betrayed one have to go through this alone? Your close friends and family need to understand your pain and can help hold your WW accountable. Affairs thrive in secret, so stop keeping secrets.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Start preparing for the worst.
Take half of the money in the joint acct. and get one in your name only.
Go see an attorney and now your legal options usually the first consult is free or very cheap shop around.
Get a couple voice activated recorders and put one in the house and one in her car.
Find out exactly what you are up against.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Your post reads like you are afraid she will leave you, and she might still be in the midst of her EA. I feel like that should be the other way around: SHE should be afraid you'll leaver her, and should be doing everything - including giving you proof the affair is over - to reconcile.

Why do you care to stay with someone who might still be cheating on you? Why are YOU working so hard to sweep this under the rug in order to stay married? 

I know there are many factors that go into a person's choices to stay married. The cheater's remorse can be one of them. The cheater doing everything they possibly can to show you they are interested in making life better for the both of you can be another reason. A cheater who may still be in an affair is most certainly NOT a reason to stay married to them!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She is still in contact with the OM?

What are you thinking?

You need this contact to stop now.

How would she feel if you had an affair? and you were around your AP without her?

this will not work.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> She is still in contact with the OM?
> 
> What are you thinking?
> 
> ...


Tell the pastor of the two devout christians.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> A complicating factor with an NC is that our young daughters are close friends and have often play dates together.
> 
> I can't discount PA, but most of the time they spend together is in the presence are either his and/or our kids. *Our kids being friends enabled this EA. When he has custody of his kids, my wife is a de facto step mom.* I am usually at work during these times.



You've been enabling your wife's affair more than anyone else by not getting in OM's face. I can assure you that he wouldn't find your wife so irresistible if he knew that you would grab his neck for making a pass at her. But since you two went to the Bible studies together you accepted your role of a quiet cuckold and let him play "family" with your wife. What a sense of Christian comradery on your part.... I'm truly impressed.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

adriana said:


> You've been enabling your wife's affair more than anyone else by not getting in OM's face. I can assure you that he wouldn't find your wife so irresistible if he knew that you would grab his neck for making a pass at her. But since you two went to the Bible studies together you accepted your role of a quiet cuckold and let him play "family" with your wife. What a sense of Christian comradery on your part.... I'm truly impressed.


This was a little rough but she is right if you don't respect yourself who will?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

spacemanSpiff said:


> A complicating factor with an NC is that our young daughters are close friends and have often play dates together.
> 
> I can't discount PA, but most of the time they spend together is in the presence are either his and/or our kids. Our kids being friends enabled this EA. When he has custody of his kids, my wife is a de facto step mom. I am usually at work during these times.


Frankly, you either end this now or keep ***** footing around. Are you saying for the sake of the kid's friendship you are going to allow your wife and the OM to be around each other?

makes no sense to me. It is not that complicated. NC, period. The kids will get over it.

IF you fear you will push your wife away by further exposure, then I suspect she will leave regardless of what you do.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

spacemanSpiff said:


> My WW and OM consider themselves devout Christians, but obviously favor the whole forgiveness of sins things over repentance. I even went the Bible studies with OM.


Then you should be familiar with Ephesians Chapter 5 which says "we should expose their evil deeds, and as devout Christians they should accept this.

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

3But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.a6Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7Therefore do not be partners with them.

8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. *11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them*. 12It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14This is why it is said:


“Wake up, sleeper,

rise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you.”


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> A complicating factor with an NC is that our young daughters are close friends and have often play dates together.
> 
> I can't discount PA, but most of the time they spend together is in the presence are either his and/or our kids. Our kids being friends enabled this EA. When he has custody of his kids, my wife is a de facto step mom. I am usually at work during these times.


Don't let the fact that the kids are there dismay you or change your thoughts about things happening. My WW brought her AP to my house and did him downstairs while the kids were playing upstairs, of course she does this when I am out of town working to support her, the family, and our lifestyles and claims it was all good as the kids were none the wiser. Mother of the year folks.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'll find you the playdate thread and the "team coach" thread. You'll see how both men thought "our kids are friends, they don't have time" then sadly discovered it wasn't just an EA it was a PA.

You are the parent, you make the decisions. I can't count how many "friends" I had that moved away, fell out of touch or my parents just sad "nope." I got over it and made new ones.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I'll leave Thorburn to write the Bible verses, but how about giving OM the gift of the fear of God if he ever contacts your wife again? If you insist on playdates, only with the POSOM ex wife has custody.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Mother of the year folks.


Wait until your kids get older, I had 2 divorced friends growing up, it was rare back then that's why I remember, both walked in on their parents screwing. We were pre-teens and at that point they hadn't told their parents what they saw. I think one was around 5 or 6, the other was 7 or eight. Hopefully, you kids were very young.

I don't say that to scare you, but to point out how dumb your ex sounds to me, using that weak logic.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Wait until your kids get older, I had 2 divorced friends growing up, it was rare back then that's why I remember, both walked in on their parents screwing. We were pre-teens and at that point they hadn't told their parents what they saw. I think one was around 5 or 6, the other was 7 or eight. Hopefully, you kids were very young.
> 
> I don't say that to scare you, but to point out how dumb your ex sounds to me, using that weak logic.



She is not the ex just yet, although quickly working her way there. The kids were 10 and 11, so not that young to realize and they know all now. She had them a few months before that in CA with her when she was helping her mom recover from surgery. She took them to meet another AP and then did him in his mom's house (he was there for his Dad's funeral as he had just died of cancer) while all the kids played in the front yard, yet had the gall to actually tell me what I do wrong as a parent and lecture the kids about truth and honesty.

I repeat, "*Mother of the Year*" here folks. 

OP heed the warning, as it can happen. My WW is a school teacher and molder of young minds and hearts and someone that no one would ever suspect of such heinous acts, yet she takes that cake!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It will be much easier for the kids to get used to play dates with new friends than it will be for them to get used to their parents being split up. NC is the only way, regardless of kids. If that means changing churches, so be it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

The purpose of exposure is to stop the affair dead in its tracks, if indeed it can be stopped. You are unsure of whether the A is over--if they are still spending time together (anywhere) then you can be pretty sure it isn't. If not through exposure, how do you propose to facilitate an end to this affair?

Don't allow the "kids spend time together" red herring complicate your thinking.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pamvhv said:


> It did that to me. Just stop now.


Pam, don't let yourself be fooled -- no matter what he tells you, it wasn't the exposure that drove him away.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

spacemanSpiff said:


> A complicating factor with an NC is that our young daughters are close friends and have often play dates together.


This needs to end. Now.



spacemanSpiff said:


> I can't discount PA, but most of the time they spend together is in the presence are either his and/or our kids. Our kids being friends enabled this EA. When he has custody of his kids, my wife is a de facto step mom. *I am usually at work during these times.*


Get out the big bowl and spoon, because you're setting yourself up for helping after helping of absolute heartache.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

adriana said:


> You've been enabling your wife's affair more than anyone else by not getting in OM's face. I can assure you that he wouldn't find your wife so irresistible if he knew that you would grab his neck for making a pass at her. But since you two went to the Bible studies together you accepted your role of a quiet cuckold and let him play "family" with your wife. What a sense of Christian comradery on your part.... I'm truly impressed.


Aaaaand she's back, everyone! Yes!!!


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am going to be honest and say that I am very wary of people who think that wayward spouses should always be exposed. I do believe that there are times that that is true, but I also find that many people give that advice out of their pain and hurt and with the attitude of vengeance. There is no "one size fits all" answer to these situations. To the OP - hang in there man. Your marriage is worth saving if you are both willing. My best regards.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

WolverineFan said:


> I am going to be honest and say that I am very wary of people who think that wayward spouses should always be exposed. I do believe that there are times that that is true, but I also find that many people give that advice out of their pain and hurt and with the attitude of vengeance. There is no "one size fits all" answer to these situations. To the OP - hang in there man. Your marriage is worth saving if you are both willing. My best regards.


Exposure is always about ending the affair and never about vengeance. Here's Dr. Harley's take on it. He's the one that introduced the concept of exposure many years ago.

When Should an Affair Be Exposed


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_ . . . with a divorced OM_

When did he get divorced, and why?


_My WW and OM consider themselves devout Christians, _

They've just cooled things down and gone underground. In a while she will tell you that she loves you, but is not in love with you, and wants a separation. Sometime after the divorce they will come out as a couple.


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## spacemanSpiff (May 19, 2014)

I've just got angry texts from my WW about me exposing the OM to his sisters. That is the only exposure I have done. If she is more concerned about him being embarrassed by his evil actions in front of his family that the living hell I'm experiencing, well there is an answer right there.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> Exposure is always about ending the affair and never about vengeance. Here's Dr. Harley's take on it. He's the one that introduced the concept of exposure many years ago.
> 
> When Should an Affair Be Exposed


The correct thing is it should never be about vengeance, but lets face it for many that is exactly what it is for.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You don't mention how long this "EA" has been going on, or if you did I missed it. How long have they been texting, phoning, communicating?

If you want a circumstantial indicator of the likelihood of a PA, short of a smoking gun, that's what you need to know. The longer it's been going on, the more likely it's a PA.

And if it is a PA, then complete exposure becomes a no-brainer.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> I've just got angry texts from my WW about me exposing the OM to his sisters. That is the only exposure I have done. If she is more concerned about him being embarrassed by his evil actions in front of his family that the living hell I'm experiencing, well there is an answer right there.


Give that man a cigar!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> I've just got angry texts from my WW about me exposing the OM to his sisters. That is the only exposure I have done. If she is more concerned about him being embarrassed by his evil actions in front of his family that the living hell I'm experiencing, well there is an answer right there.


I think the interesting thing is that she knows. If she is in NC with him, then she shouldn't be knowing these things nor caring about them at all. She is still involved so you have your answer.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> The correct thing is it should never be about vengeance, but lets face it for many that is exactly what it is for.


If it were me, I don't think I would call it vengeance as much as paying the piper. But, you're probably right and some do. But who cares what they call it or what sense of satisfaction they gain from it as long as the goal of busting up the affair is accomplished? 

That's the main thing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> I think the interesting thing is that she knows. If she is in NC with him, then she shouldn't be knowing these things nor caring about them at all. She is still involved so you have your answer.


OP hasn't insisted upon complete NC because their kids play together...

:lol: :rofl:


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> If it were me, I don't think I would call it vengeance as much as paying the piper. But, you're probably right and some do. But who cares what they call it or what sense of satisfaction they gain from it as long as the goal of busting up the affair is accomplished?
> 
> That's the main thing.


Agreed, but I was thinking about the times when maybe the A is in the past and definitely over but people still go the exposure route. In those cases it is for only one purpose and that is vengeance and retaliation. Sometimes people need that for their healing.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> OP hasn't insisted upon complete NC because their kids play together...
> 
> :lol: :rofl:


I looked back to make sure this wasn't that thread before I commented that way, and your right it is THAT thread. 

Has been a long day and maybe I need to push away from the computer for awhile. LOL :scratchhead:


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Nothing wrong with a little vengeance IMO. We are very amicable now, but my wh0re ex destroyed my family and took half of my time with my kid and a monthly child support payment for the next 12 years. I did as much damage to her friendships, relationships, and remaining family as I could. 

People deserve to know the truth. She is most likely telling her family what an awful husband you are, setting up alibis for why she has "gathered the courage to leave".


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> Agreed, but I was thinking about the times when maybe the A is in the past and definitely over but people still go the exposure route. In those cases it is for only one purpose and that is vengeance and retaliation. Sometimes people need that for their healing.


Well, in that case, that's on them and I would also call it nothing but pure vengeance. I didn't know we were including that type scenario in the discussion.

I'd never recommend it though.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

3putt said:


> Exposure is always about ending the affair and never about vengeance. Here's Dr. Harley's take on it. He's the one that introduced the concept of exposure many years ago.]


This is what I was trying to say - exposure for the purpose of vengeance produces more pain. Exposure for the purpose of ending the affair is altogether different. When the affair has ended and both parties (offending spouse and offended spouse) are now trying to heal, how does further exposure help that situation?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

spacemanSpiff said:


> I've just got angry texts from my WW about me exposing the OM to his sisters. That is the only exposure I have done. If she is more concerned about him being embarrassed by his evil actions in front of his family that the living hell I'm experiencing, well there is an answer right there.


You better get a var and carry it with you now for protection.
May as well expose all the way now pastor her family ect.
Maybe file now it might wake her up might not.
You are standing up for your marriage eff him the interloper.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> My fear is that further exposure of her may trigger a "*everyone knows anyway, maybe I should go ahead and leave*" attitude in her.


Well, if you truly are to be working it out, then further exposure isn't something I'd focus on.

But if she would say the bolded part above, then she wasn't really interested in keeping the marriage anyway.

Again, not that further exposure is something I'd recommend, but I hope your words above do not indicate that she thinks she is in control and has you wrapped around her little finger. One thing she needs to know, if you have it in you, is that you are prepared to tell her to pack her bags if she ever thinks she is wearing the pants.


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## spacemanSpiff (May 19, 2014)

I exposed so that he could not control the narrative of how they got together to his family. He could spin it as if he rescued my WW from a horrible marriage. When in fact, we get along great. I'm just not as outgoing as the OM.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Well, if you truly are to be working it out, then further exposure isn't something I'd focus on.
> 
> But if she would say the bolded part above, then she wasn't really interested in keeping the marriage anyway.
> 
> Again, not that further exposure is something I'd recommend, but I hope your words above do not indicate that she thinks she is in control and has you wrapped around her little finger. One thing she needs to know, if you have it in you, is that you are prepared to tell her to pack her bags if she ever thinks she is wearing the pants.


She showed you where her loyalties are.
Suggest to her that she move in with him.
Show her you aren't going to put up with this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I can see -- and, generally speaking, agree with -- the validity of any arguments concerning the use of exposure for stopping an affair vs. vengeance, etc.

But when the WS isn't remorseful, doesn't cut contact, continues in the affair, and both the WS and AP proclaim themselves to be "devout Christians"...?

Burn that sh*t to the ground, and use the church newsletter to do it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> I can see -- and, generally speaking, agree with -- the validity of any arguments concerning the use of exposure for stopping an affair vs. vengeance, etc.
> 
> But when the WS isn't remorseful, doesn't cut contact, continues in the affair, and both the WS and AP proclaim themselves to be "devout Christians"...?
> 
> Burn that sh*t to the ground, and use the church newsletter to do it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I can see -- and, generally speaking, agree with -- the validity of any arguments concerning the use of exposure for stopping an affair vs. vengeance, etc.
> 
> *But when the WS isn't remorseful, doesn't cut contact, continues in the affair, and both the WS and AP proclaim themselves to be "devout Christians"...?
> 
> Burn that sh*t to the ground*, and use the church newsletter to do it.


Yes. Spaceman, let's cut to the chase. Tell us what you intend to *do* to make sure this A is ended if not to expose far and wide.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> I think the interesting thing is that she knows. If she is in NC with him, then she shouldn't be knowing these things nor caring about them at all. She is still involved so you have your answer.


Make sure you don't skip this post. Nope, it doesn't matter if he came to her in a rage at work. She should have walked away, but the fact she is angry AT YOU speaks volumes to who she is committed to right now.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> She is not the ex just yet


My poor punctuation and being in a rush screwed up that sentence. I wasn't calling you weak, I meant she was using "weak logic" when she said being upstairs meant they couldn't know anything. I used the ages because if kids that young saw something, the older they are the more likely it is they didn't stay in place.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> My poor punctuation and being in a rush screwed up that sentence. I wasn't calling you weak, I meant she was using "weak logic" when she said being upstairs meant they couldn't know anything. I used the ages because if kids that young saw something, the older they are the more likely it is they didn't stay in place.


No big deal I didn't read it as calling me weak. I read exactly what you meant it to be just a warning about her character. Even if I was weak maybe someone can learn from my bad experiences when they think it can't happen to them for whatever the reason may be. This just shows that cheaters have no or band boundaries and this is why they are cheaters. I added the follow up to include the kids ages to show just how heinous she can be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf9 (Apr 27, 2014)

spacemanSpiff said:


> A complicating factor with an NC is that our young daughters are close friends and have often play dates together.
> 
> I can't discount PA, but most of the time they spend together is in the presence are either his and/or our kids. Our kids being friends enabled this EA. When he has custody of his kids, my wife is a de facto step mom. I am usually at work during these times.


Look at this thread-

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57247-she-cheated-i-hate-my-life.html

In this case before DDay 1, it was only EA, after confrontation with only OM & WW here husband decided to maintain friendship with OM without exposing affair to OMW or WW's parents or pastor for convenience of kids.In that period of initial reconciliation affair went from EA to PA behind his back until he finally caught them by audio recorder on DDay 2, I think they are in recovery at the moment after total NC,IC, MC & OM moved to another town.

There is no chance at reconciliation until you expose it to everyone & enforce total NC with OM.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> I've just got angry texts from my WW about me exposing the OM to his sisters. That is the only exposure I have done. If she is more concerned about him being embarrassed by his evil actions in front of his family that the living hell I'm experiencing, well there is an answer right there.


 And your reply should have been, "Well maybe if you would learn how to behave and have some some self respect and respect for me and our family then none of this would have happened. In other words Tough $h!t sweetie, deal with it".


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

You may have stopped her from texting/emailing/calling the OM, but as lon as they keep meeting for "play dates", the affair is still on.

The fact that she was so p1ssed at you when she found out that you informed her Sisters of the EA(possable PA..) says a lot.

Get your powdered and primed, as there is a battle looming on the horizon. I think that she is farthur gone then you'll let yourself believe.

What she starts doing next will be a good sign for whether she's already gone, or there's something to save.

If you start backing down, you may as well book them a hotel room...


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

SS, this trickling out exposure will do you more harm than good if you keep it up. It needs to have an impact of a tsunami of truth washing over the entire affair, exposing it fully, and it should be done all at once. 

You need to regroup and do this right, or you might as well take your ball and go home.

Read the first page of this thread. You need to go no further than page 1. It will guide you step by step on how it should be done.

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If they are still seeing each other, its still an affair.

How did you get evidence of the affair and what were they saying?

At this point you need to find a qualified polygrapher, ask local law enforcement who they use, and take your wife for a polygraph test. Even if you get a parking lot confession, go through with the test.

There are thosands of similar threads here. This has all the red flags of being much worse than you know.

These two are cheaters, the first requirement of a cheater is to learn to lie with a straight face. Believe nothing they tell you. Verify everything.

NO MORE PLAY DATES

Are these play dates at your homes? How old are the kids?

Buy at least two sony vars at walmart best buy etc. Velcro one under the front seat of your wayward wife's drivers seat. Hide one in the house where she is likely to use the phone.

You will soon find out what is still going on.

Do you have passwords to her phone, texts, facebook,computer, email, etc.? That's a must and a dealbreaker if she doesn't give them to you.

What does the phone bill say about contact?

By being nice, you are the weak link, you just make him look stronger and more manly than you. Show her you are the leader and protector of your family. Don't hesitate to get in his face.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm... I wonder...

After EA, I have to keep seeing the OM. How should i handle it?

...?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Well since OM sister knows now any more exposure could come from her.

If you expose further and you should to stop the affair, you can tell your ww that OM sister must be doing it


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

SS,

Have you thought more about the idea that you don't want your kids to stop playing together? 

You do realize that by allowing your wife to engage with the OM, with the children is acclimatizing the children on both sides to a blended-family situation? This could be what your wife wants you know... to bond the children now so if SHTF with you, they can all move in as one big happy family.

You already wrote that your wife is acting like a pseudo step-mom to his kids. Why do you assume he isn't also acting like a daddy to yours?

From where I sit, it's like handing off your kids and wife to this other man... Your kids can make new friends. These play dates should have stopped a long time ago. If your wife wishes to see this OM, there is nothing you can do (though many things you can try) to stop her. However, you can put your foot down as far as the kids are concerned. 

When he was cheating, he told me that his other woman was so interested in meeting my kids. There is no way in hell that pond-scum was going anywhere near my babies. I'm glad he had the sense to know that couldn't happen. Had it happened, I'm not sure I could have handled it with the same restraint and logic I try to use everyday. A future step-mom, should our relationship dissolve properly and legitimately is one thing, I can deal with that - perhaps even support it and foster a friendship with her for the sake of the kids. An affair partner is another matter altogether.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Then you should be familiar with Ephesians Chapter 5 which says "we should expose their evil deeds, and as devout Christians they should accept this.
> 
> Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
> 
> ...



You know what I think? I think you should go to Bible Study with your wife, and say you have something to share. These verses would be fitting. Then you call out OM in front of the group for chasing your wife.


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> SS,
> 
> Have you thought more about the idea that you don't want your kids to stop playing together?
> 
> ...


Completly agree. End the play dates if you are remotely interested in saving your marriage. But more importantly, end them for your own sanity! Hard enough dealing with an affair. You don't want some OM being with your kids. That is a nightmare sceanario!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

spacemanSpiff said:


> A complicating factor with an NC is that our young daughters are close friends and have often play dates together.
> 
> I can't discount PA, but most of the time they spend together is in the presence are either his and/or our kids. Our kids being friends enabled this EA. When he has custody of his kids, my wife is a de facto step mom. I am usually at work during these times.


 It is in your daughters best long term interest for your wife to end all contact with her affair partner now and forever even if that means her seeing her friend less. If you allow contact, the affair will eventually start up again if it even really ended. You must be willing to end the marraige for you to have a real chance at saving it long term.

Right now there has been no consequences to your wife and she gets to stay in contact with her affair partner. This will end badly for you.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> You know what I think? I think you should go to Bible Study with your wife, and say you have something to share. These verses would be fitting. Then you call out OM in front of the group for chasing your wife.



Oh, that would be beautiful.... the ultimate Kodak moment.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

adrana, I am glad you back to posting


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

convert said:


> adrana, I am glad you back to posting



Thank you for your kind words, Convert.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... I wonder...
> 
> After EA, I have to keep seeing the OM. How should i handle it?
> 
> ...?


:iagree::iagree:
Maybe?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't think it would be worth it to keep being in fear of her reaction. Everyone needs to know about this and SHE needs to be the one who is repentant about this and show you how much she wants to stay with you. There can be no further contact with the OM or his kids. It doesn't really seem that she's all that sorry about what happened and there has to be consequences for her if an R is going to work out.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yeah, Wolf9 found one of the threads I was looking for, but I can't find the one about the coach.

In the other one, the son was a scholarship level athlete and the coach was calling under the pretense of "recruiting." He got suspicious because there were tons and tons of texts. Plus, they were coming at weird hours of the night. Hopefully, someone can rember the thread.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

adriana said:


> Oh, that would be beautiful.... the ultimate Kodak moment.


I know right. Jaws... they would be dropped.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

spacemanSpiff said:


> My fear is that further exposure of her may trigger a "everyone knows anyway, maybe I should go ahead and leave" attitude in her.


 First, if that is how she feels, then she already mentally left you, so you might as well move on and find someone that wants to be your wife. Second, making decisions based on fear, never works out in the long run.

The truth is that deep down inside you know that she it is not really over with the other man. You want to put your head in the sand as she continues to stay in contact with him and even continues to see him when you are not home based on the excuse of your daughter's and his daughter's friendship. She is calling the shots and cannot beleive that you are allowing this to continue after finding out. Every day that you allow this to continue her bond with you gets weaker as she loses more and more respect for you. Time is not on your side. Stand up and be strong. End all contact right now. Expose to the pastor and to your family and friends. She either stays and commits to you and marriage, or she does not. You cannot let fear control you. Fear and weakness are not attractive to her.


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

Spaceman what these people are saying is truth. If she's angry with you for exposing HIM whose side is she on in this situation ? Are you happy to let their little lovey dovey time go on till they hatch a plan to leave you holding the bag? Unless you do something decisive that may well happen. But what if you exposed to their friends, their church buddies now? See then she'd be forced to make a decision instead of cake eating. You do know what a cake eater is right ? If you are afraid of losing her bro, you probably will anyway. If you act decisively NOW you have a 50/50 chance of saving this. The longer you wait the less chance you have. Glad to see Adriana back too !


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## spacemanSpiff (May 19, 2014)

We survived the weekend and now summer has started which limits any alone time she may have with OM, because she will have our kids. 
Here is a little more background. We had been friends with the OM and his now Ex-Wife for since 2003. They had a somewhat rocky marriage that ended in 2010. The ex insisted that we choose sides and have little contact with him afterwards. Even I thought this was draconian. We ended up siding him more because she pretty much ended the friendship because we did not do so what she insisted. Even at the time I was a bit suspicious of how easily my wife defied her once best friend to maintain contact with the OM. 
Besides our daughters being very close since being toddlers, our 12 yro sons are a week apart in age, though are not as close as they once were. We have a difficult time talking directly about the situation, but get along great, but she is not showing any affection toward me. She hasn't called me "Honey" in a while. Interestingly, she did have a few slips on this after DDay. 
I've exposed him to his family and she seems scared being exposed to her own. The problem here is that she won't believe the need for NC (not like she know's about TAM and the strategies here) and if contact was suddenly ceased, the kids will start wondering and asking awkward questions about why they don't do anything with their friends. They are also in the same swim team and will be suspicious if there is not contact with him at meets. Contact is being phased out, but I don't know if I can deal with any contact in the short term. 
I've pretty much decided to let our church pastor know about the situation. I need his support and want him to not be blindsided if this goes to "DEFCON 1".
If I sense any betrayal of trust on her part, her parents will be informed and a wave of exposure will be unleashed. I am doubtful that further exposure can be avoided.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You are being replaced.

Get your kids on a different team.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

do you think you picked the wrong side when you sided with the husband...i would have a long talk with his ex-wife......here is deal...your wife is trying to contain her shame and protect him at the same time and also at the same time still have contact with him even on limited basis with hope that it will it all blow over by September...the time to act is now...while it is still fresh...expose to all is what is required......do you want to live with her threat of leaving you for the rest of your life...this is clearly a power control effort on her part...you need to step up and take charge and put her in her place.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> Contact is being phased out, but I don't know if I can deal with any contact in the short term.


If you are trusting in your W to "phase out" this relationship on her own, well, I probably wouldn't.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

He should be terrified of you and taking his kids out of swimming. You don't need to do the skulking, he should. Hold your head up high and stand your ground.


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## spacemanSpiff (May 19, 2014)

Philat said:


> If you are trusting in your W to "phase out" this relationship on her own, well, I probably wouldn't.


I don't trust that she will phase it out on her own. That is why I am doubtful that further exposure will not be necessary. I do want a trigger for that and it will likely when it becomes obvious that she is trying have her cake and eat it too. She doesn't hang out at these sites and know about the need for exposure. She thinks that she could put the genie back in the bottle. There is a small chance that the fear of further exposure might suffice. She knows I am not farting around and exposed him to his family.


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## spacemanSpiff (May 19, 2014)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> He should be terrified of you and taking his kids out of swimming. You don't need to do the skulking, he should. Hold your head up high and stand your ground.


He wont talk his kids out of swimming without arousing suspicion of his ex. He might decide that he is "busy" the night of meets where I am present and he doesn't have custody of his kids. 
Physical confrontation is not an option and I am definitely not going to his apartment to do so. Sounds like a recipe for getting shot (Stand your ground and all).


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

spacemanSpiff said:


> He wont talk his kids out of swimming without arousing suspicion of his ex. He might decide that he is "busy" the night of meets where I am present and he doesn't have custody of his kids.
> Physical confrontation is not an option and I am definitely not going to his apartment to do so. Sounds like a recipe for getting shot (Stand your ground and all).


It is time to do some c0ckblocking though.
Niceing her out of this will not work.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You don't have a marraige if your wife is still in contact with him and not openly and agressively trying to win your trust and confidence back. So exposure can't kill what's already dead. You cannot have a marriage if your kids are friends with these people any more. You cannot have a marriage if your wife has ability to contact him. Tell the pastor for sure. I would strongly consider nuclear exposure unless your wife is agreeing to end contact completely. Move if you have to. You cannot avoid impacting you kids (Your wife took care of that for them).


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hicks said:


> You don't have a marraige if your wife is still in contact with him and not openly and agressively trying to win your trust and confidence back. So exposure can't kill what's already dead. You cannot have a marriage if your kids are friends with these people any more. You cannot have a marriage if your wife has ability to contact him. Tell the pastor for sure. I would strongly consider nuclear exposure unless your wife is agreeing to end contact completely. Move if you have to. You cannot avoid impacting you kids (Your wife took care of that for them).


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

Things look bad right now. See what your pastor thinks, but I believe full exposure will be necessary. This could already be a physical affair. Would that be a deal breaker for you?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would allow you to spend anytime with the OW together? I doubt it so why are you?

Your wife continues to disrespect you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## spacemanSpiff (May 19, 2014)

bryanp said:


> If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would allow you to spend anytime with the OW together? I doubt it so why are you?
> 
> Your wife continues to disrespect you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


I don't trust her, but I am going wait for a trigger before escalating. She is still coming out of the fog.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

spacemanSpiff said:


> I don't trust her, but I am going wait for a trigger before escalating. She is still coming out of the fog.



Good luck, others have tried this and its never worked.. Its either no contact or divorce. Sorry.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> Contact is being phased out, but I don't know if I can deal with any contact in the short term.


Let's get something straight. YOU are the one being "phased out"!

I know that you don't want to believe it but this has been going on longer than you realize right now. This has gone farther than you realize right now. This is going to end up much worse than you realize right now.

Many of us realized this from you first few posts. You were and are STILL slowly being replaced by the OM. I feel bad for your kids if they'd miss playing with the OM's kids.

I'll feel wore for your kids when you post on here that your wife has filed for D.

You are being WAY too passive about this. Your boat's taking on water and your bailing it out with a coffee cup.

Every once in a while a BS comes here that I just want to reach though the screen and try to shake some sense into them. You are now one of them.

A feel bad for you my friend, I really do. I'm not saying that if you do the things we've suggested that your marriage will last another 40 years. I know that if you continue to do(not do) what you've been doing(not doing) about the affair, it's going to come back and bite you in the a$$ so bad.

You know, you have a leg up on a lot of BS's that come here. You have a relatively good idea of what your WS has done(maybe a little naive). You know the OM. You know(for the most part anyway) know how/when they meet. Many don't.

Use the opportunity that you've been given. Don't add "truly" stopping this affair to your list of shoula, coulda, woulda's.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Spaceman, fear and uncertainty is a hard thing to deal with. Let's suppose your wife were actually a teen daughter and she was engaging in this same behavior with this same guy. Would you wait for some trigger before escalating? Would you expose? Would you shut it down without regard for her feelings? If you were a good father, you would. 

Now, a wife is not like a teenager, and my analogy should not be taken that way, but a cheating spouse is like one. She is engaging in inappropriate behavior. She threatened to leave, like a teenager would. Well, you can play by her rules, which got you where you are or you could man up and be the husband that you should be. Shut it down, Expose, do it calmly without anger, but do it. I don't want this to turn into a religious thread, but I know religion very well. Treat them like Israel in the old testament. Forgiveness is available, but consequences are needed. 

You say that you don't see what exposure would do? I'm gonna call BS on that. You are afraid and uncertain, and that is okay. Don't rationalize it, just admit it. If you read other threads, you will see that exposure works. It forces the issue. They have to make a choice because reality sets in. Be the husband that you promised to be. Expose, tell, bring it to light, be Christ in the temple kicking the charlatans out. 

Do what must be done or suffer what will come. They need to be real uncomfortable hanging out with each other or they need to publicly commit to their improper relationship. You will love, honor and cherish your wife by doing this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bigfoot said:


> Spaceman, fear and uncertainty is a hard thing to deal with. Let's suppose your wife were actually a teen daughter and she was engaging in this same behavior with this same guy. Would you wait for some trigger before escalating? Would you expose? Would you shut it down without regard for her feelings? If you were a good father, you would.
> 
> Now, a wife is not like a teenager, and my analogy should not be taken that way, but a cheating spouse is like one. She is engaging in inappropriate behavior. She threatened to leave, like a teenager would. Well, you can play by her rules, which got you where you are or you could man up and be the husband that you should be. Shut it down, Expose, do it calmly without anger, but do it. I don't want this to turn into a religious thread, but I know religion very well. Treat them like Israel in the old testament. Forgiveness is available, but consequences are needed.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Sitting around waiting for her will not work.
Tell the pastor.
She has to go no contact period.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

spacemanSpiff said:


> My WW had and maybe still having an EA with a divorced OM. DDay was five weeks ago. After reading some post on TAM decided to expose the OM to members of his family via e-mail. I keep dithering on letting my WW's parents know or our church pastor. My WW did admit to leaning towards leaving on DDay, but since then she acts as if we do have a future in little things she says. My fear is that further exposure of her may trigger a "everyone knows anyway, maybe I should go ahead and leave" attitude in her.


Why don't you want her to leave?

If she's having an affair right under your nose, that crap is traumatic and humiliating.

You want more pain or what?

As far as telling other people, I figure people shouldn't do things they wouldn't approve of being reported in their local paper by an informed and critical reporter, so who cares if she thinks it's your job to cover up her bad behavior.

Getting her out of the house would be a blessing, IMO. Help her pack.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

She triggered you to post something private to a bunch of anonymous people. So, you need a worse trigger? That's like calling 911 and saying "wait until I'm more hurt to send help, I need to bleed more."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You can't get someone out of the fog by standing at the edges and waving a flashlight, hoping that they'll find their way to you. Instead, you take the flashlight, navigate your way to them, and PULL them out. If they fight w/ you once you make your way to them, you dump them on their ass and walk away.

"Phasing out" contact? WTF? NC needs to be hard, immediate, and forever. And if someone needs to start attending a different church, so be it.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> I've just got angry texts from my WW about me exposing the OM to his sisters. That is the only exposure I have done. If she is more concerned about him being embarrassed by his evil actions in front of his family that the living hell I'm experiencing, well there is an answer right there.


I was going through what you've posted here so far. The above is your post, #32. I has 9 "likes".

You seemed like you had gotten a grasp of the magnitude of what your WS has done and continues to do. Things that are bad for your marriage and for your kids and yourself.

You should re-read posts that you've made like this one. Over and over. You seemed to realize and knew what was at stake and what you *should* have done to stop this affair, then.

For reasons unknown to me(us), you slid back to a state of, "just wait and see" again.

The problem with "just wait and see" is you have no influence on the outcome. Your hindging your mariage, your whole way of life on your WS stopping what she was doing. Not restarting what she's was doing and then doing the "right" things. All on her on her own. She either lives, or dies by this sword.

It's like telling an achoholic that s/he needs to stop drinking, ON THEIR OWN. You also let the alcoholic go to the liquor store to buy scratch tickets(play dates), but say NO BOOZE though.

You then think that there is a reasonable chance that they will not only give up drinking, but also not buy booze at the liquor store. Then they have to stop going to the l-store ALL ON THEIR OWN.

We can only lead you to the "water". You have to do the drinking yourself...


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

spacemanSpiff said:


> I don't trust her, but I am going wait for a trigger before escalating. She is still coming out of the fog.


 Want to get her out of the fog real quick? Trigger. Trigger real hard. Trigger loud enough that she understands that you not going to play games any longer and she either $h!ts or gets off the pot and if she cant do it fast enough then make the choice for her.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Here, read this thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62404-need-help-coping.html

It's one of the sadder reads on this website. It actually made me reexamine everything I thought, about my wife, because his wife DID EVERYTHING he requested. Sure, there was balking here or there, but that happens in a marriage. Then the bottom fell out even after Acoa exposed and laid down the law.


She fooled everyone and I mean









Do you really believe your wife is "phasing" the EA away without help?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If he's laying a trap for her so that when she fails he can dump her, then this is the way to go. The om has nothing to lose. He will be after her like a dog chasing a b!tch in heat. How could she possibly reject that?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello SS, and sorry that you are here. I have been following your thread and thought I would chime in with my observations:


Your WW and the [email protected] have been at this for some time now - all the signs are there. Probably before his divorce even.

It has probably gone physical (high chance - he is "outgoing" after all). Somebody asked you if this was a deal breaker and you have not replied. Is it?

*You are not being replaced - you have been replaced. *The merged family is complete. They are sexually and emotionally compatible. The kids get on great. They are like minded in religious beliefs and morals (or lack of). All that remains is to have you removed from the picture and that is underway. Staying silent and not blowing this up (by exposing, exposing, exposing) is helping this along much faster.

She has defended the POS against you which has confirmed where her loyalties are - hopefully you can see that.

Being silent about her affair in case it drives her away is a passive form of begging her to stay. This never works.

You appear to be afraid (physically) of the OM. Are you? Because there are ways to deal with this without appearing unattractive to your wife (which you most certainly are right now).

She is already in the process of vilifying you to her family, friends, colleagues - you need to get in there first and real soon.

She is a liar and a cheater with a lack of morals - not good wife material (something worth remembering at all times).

OK that's what I see so far. You have been given good advice so far in general. Essentially you need to be prepared to lose her to come out of this with your soul and family intact. I will not go into the usual details of what I think you should do and more importantly, what she has to do to come back to you. If you want me to let me know but I think enough people have already told you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> If he's laying a trap for her so that when she fails he can dump her, then this is the way to go. The om has nothing to lose. He will be after her like a dog chasing a b!tch in heat. How could she possibly reject that?


Laying a trap? 


OP said:


> My fear is that further exposure of her may trigger a "everyone knows anyway, maybe I should go ahead and leave" attitude in her.





OP said:


> She is still coming out of the fog.


You and I will disagree on this one Chap. This is someone worried about his wife leaving, with a "wait for the other shoe to drop" attitude, not trap setting.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

PBear said:


> It will be much easier for the kids to get used to play dates with new friends than it will be for them to get used to their parents being split up. NC is the only way, regardless of kids. If that means changing churches, so be it.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Late to the party here but.......

This is an important lesson that you should teach your children, that is that blood is more important than anyone else. I come from the dysfunctional family in which my older sister and mother loved befriending the ex's... so not just 2 of my ex's but also my brother's ex wife.

To the point, when I lived in the same city and told my sister about my social plans, that guy would inevitably show up.

I rmember my sister saying that my brother's ex wife would sometimes be on the same plane as he when he was traveling to date his now 2nd wife. I guess my sister was the informant there as well.

I write this to say, you should teach your children that family should support one another and not encourage or continue relationships that are toxic to the rest of the family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

spacemanSpiff said:


> We have a difficult time talking directly about the situation, but get along great, but she is not showing any affection toward me. She hasn't called me "Honey" in a while.


Duh, that's because she's still in love with him. She just doesn't want to give up her cushy life with you and be 'branded.'


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Of course he is not laying a trap. What he is doing is letting his wife go unintentionally.

This is going to be yet another, "you all were right," threads and more than likely to late...............again.


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