# He’s not over me AT ALL so now he just wants to “chat”.



## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

I believe that my soon-to-be-ex-husband has Borderline Personality Disorder. (Look it up real quick, it will help explain my ex a lot).
Lately, I've been trying to keep my contact (phone, text, in person, whatever) with my ex to a minimum...more like...no contact at all! He created a lot of drama the last few times I saw him. (We have been separated for three months now.) It had been about a month since I had heard from him, and I was feeling pretty good about life. My sad moments were becoming few and far between. The less you hear from the one you used to love, the easier it is to move on. So I knew this no-contact business was going to help both of us out.
Well, my ex called me last Friday and left a message asking me to call him back. I'm the type of person who just can't not respond to someone plus I thought it could have been about some legal matter or something neutral like that. So I call him back and he just wants to see how I've been! This is okay, I guess, but I let him know that I don't want him getting the wrong idea from our conversation (which was kept very trivial). 
I was hoping I wouldn't hear from again anytime soon, but he called me again on Monday, just to talk again, but I told him I didn't feel like talking. I thought he would get the hint through that without me having to explain myself, but he ended up calling me again today asking me to call him back.
This is where I know I am really testing my strength. The last time I talked to him, he sounded normal, but I have to keep reminding myself that this man is literally sick in the head and evne though he claims he was going to get help, he didn't and still hasn't. In my opinion, if he really wanted me back (not that I would take him back), he would be seeking therapy or getting that process started anyway. He claims he knows he has issues, but I believe he thinks that they will eventually go away once he gets a job, etc. It's way deeper than that, and I can see it because I'm the outside observer who saw his behavior for three and a half years.
ANYWAY, once I can text (I use my iPod and need wifi to text), I'm going to tell it to him easy, that it's too soon to be talking like old buddies because even though he can say that he knows I'm not trying to give him the wrong idea, he will get his hopes us and try to wiggle his way back into my life. I don't have a problem being friends with him, but it's more complicated than that when we're legally not even divorced yet, and he probably has a mental disorder.
I think he thinks that I will change my mind about wanting a divorce if we "chat" a few more times on the phone. Well, I know that isn't going to happen, in fact, it just gives me anxiety and sadness because I am trying to move on, and he is making it difficult. And he's just leading himself into more heartache again. 
Woo, this was a long one...more just a vent session but I had to let it out somewhere!!


----------



## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

Oh, I forgot to add that I feel guilty for hurting him... even though he hurt me quite a bit. It's just frusterating that he does not understand why I cannot give him another chance. (He somehow thinks this would be his first chance, but that's definitely not true.)


----------



## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

And another thing! It sucks that when I talked to him on the phone, it was an all right conversation...it makes it even hard to say I don't want any contact right now.


----------



## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

~TheOptimist~ said:


> I believe that my soon-to-be-ex-husband has Borderline Personality Disorder. (Look it up real quick, it will help explain my ex a lot).
> Lately, I've been trying to keep my contact (phone, text, in person, whatever) with my ex to a minimum...more like...no contact at all! He created a lot of drama the last few times I saw him. (We have been separated for three months now.) It had been about a month since I had heard from him, and I was feeling pretty good about life. My sad moments were becoming few and far between. The less you hear from the one you used to love, the easier it is to move on. So I knew this no-contact business was going to help both of us out.
> Well, my ex called me last Friday and left a message asking me to call him back. I'm the type of person who just can't not respond to someone plus I thought it could have been about some legal matter or something neutral like that. So I call him back and he just wants to see how I've been! This is okay, I guess, but I let him know that I don't want him getting the wrong idea from our conversation (which was kept very trivial).
> I was hoping I wouldn't hear from again anytime soon, but he called me again on Monday, just to talk again, but I told him I didn't feel like talking. I thought he would get the hint through that without me having to explain myself, but he ended up calling me again today asking me to call him back.
> ...


So sorry to hear that he has a personality disorder. Use kid gloves when speaking to him.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Don't get ahead of your self with the "what could he be thinking" game, allow me do that for you! The long and short is he is checking up on you to keep some sort of control over you. You know very well he's finding every excuse in the book to make contact but with little or nothing to say..... he's making sure you A) still want him or will take his calls, B) you're still available, and C) you aren't upset with him.... which means he feels he can further string you along with a big sh!t eating grin. Either way this setup is not one in which he can respect you!

Face it, he doesn't respect your boundaries and you just let him cross without any consequences. You absolutely need to make a stance and tell him goodbye.... or I can't talk to you until X amount of time has passed. Say at least 1 YEAR to get him to back off but six months may be enough later on. Oh and if you don't he will just keep trying to hoover you in until he knows for sure you still care about him and he can use you as a vulnerable back up while he's out with some trashy charity case.

How do I know all of this? I believe I married a borderline wife and she did the same things to me after cheating way down, and divorcing me for one of Peter Pan's lost boys. It hurts but you have to tell the a hard "NO" and let the baby have it's bottle before you break down into tears and lose your health over an unsalvageable person...... unsalvageable if they refuse to help themselves that is.


----------



## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

Nsweet,

Thanks, I needed to hear that. I am planning on letting him know we can't talk, but you're right, I need to give him an amount of time. I am going to do this. Although, I don't believe my ex ever cheated on me, he did a lot of other disrepectful, controlling, hurtful things over the years. And he had a lot of excuses to back them up. 
Thanks again for your advice and support!


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You're welcome,

Remember to be gentle yet very strict in setting your boundaries. He needs to know that you're calling the shots and won't pick up every time he calls or rush to do anything with him. He's back in square one like when you were dating and he needs to respect YOUR boundaries if he wants you to reward him with your responses. 

"I need about a year before I can talk to you again, give me time to forgive and forget."

It's not that he can't work to win you back or reconciliation is out of the question if he changes, but there's no way in hell he can keep using you for comfort calls and expect to make a smooth get away at the expense of your feelings. Besides you both need time to cool off and deal with your own emotions without blaming each other for something stupid.... a year should be more than enough for both of you.


----------



## Husbandinneed92 (Aug 5, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> You're welcome,
> 
> Remember to be gentle yet very strict in setting your boundaries. He needs to know that you're calling the shots and won't pick up every time he calls or rush to do anything with him. He's back in square one like when you were dating and he needs to respect YOUR boundaries if he wants you to reward him with your responses.
> 
> ...


@Nsweet - could you pop by my thread if you had the time? I'm in a very similar circumstance to TheOptimist except I'm the one that wants contact.

@TheOptimist - I can't imagine what it must be like for you, as I've not lost feelings for my ex. Is there any way you could encourage him to get help? I know that if my ex got help I would re-consider us, but she's created her own false reality, and it's very, very hard to get through to her. She places all the blame on me and has very, very bizarre thought patterns. Does this sound familiar to you?


----------



## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

Husbandinneed,

Well, the thing is, I had left before, more than once. I only stayed away for a couple days at most during those times because when he said that he wouldn't let what he was doing happen again, I believed him. He seemed so sincere...because he was. But because of his illness, he couldn't follow through. It was only after I left the final time, and after he realized I wasn't coming home the first time he asked me to, that he said he was going to get help. 
Yes, he had tried counseling, but ended up not liking the counselor, and we were about to do couples counseling, but under a condition that my husband had set (long story there). So although it seemed like he was trying, I had to step back to realize that he really thought his deep issues could be resolved through simple actions like finding a job, doing better in school, and stop drinking so much. These steps would have helped, but it would not have solved the deep issues inside of him that he inadvertently (and sometimes advertently) took out on me, verbally.
And YES, how you described your ex sounds very familiar. My ex always had an excuse as to why he acted the way he did. Well, that's great, honey, except it still doesn't make what you did OKAY! A lot of the time, it was somehow my fault. If I had just not spoke my mind about something, he wouldn't have overreacted. 
The very bizarre thought patterns that I saw in my ex: Somehow I was seeing our downstairs neighbor...which I never clearly understood why he thought this. Because the way he would speak to me about it was so bizarre! Oh, he also saw me (before we moved, at our old apartment) in our across-the-way neighbor's apartment so somehow I climbed up the gutter into the apartment to see some guy? (Okay, that climbing up the gutter was what I said to my ex because I could not, for the life of me, get how it would even be possible for me to "sneak" into our neighbors apartment. Sheesh. Bizarre! It doesn't even make sense! 
Anyway, sorry, now I'm going on and on, haha. It's real easy to do when there's lots of stories to tell. -_-


----------



## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> You're welcome,
> 
> Remember to be gentle yet very strict in setting your boundaries. He needs to know that you're calling the shots and won't pick up every time he calls or rush to do anything with him. He's back in square one like when you were dating and he needs to respect YOUR boundaries if he wants you to reward him with your responses.
> 
> ...


Uh...okay so I gently, but strictly gave him the message, which he said he would respect except he says he will wait for me no matter how long it takes.
Gah, no! That's not what I wanted, but I suppose if I don't respond to him for the next six months to a year, he'll have to move on. I hope.


----------



## Husbandinneed92 (Aug 5, 2012)

~TheOptimist~ said:


> Husbandinneed,
> 
> Well, the thing is, I had left before, more than once. I only stayed away for a couple days at most during those times because when he said that he wouldn't let what he was doing happen again, I believed him. He seemed so sincere...because he was. But because of his illness, he couldn't follow through. It was only after I left the final time, and after he realized I wasn't coming home the first time he asked me to, that he said he was going to get help.
> Yes, he had tried counseling, but ended up not liking the counselor, and we were about to do couples counseling, but under a condition that my husband had set (long story there). So although it seemed like he was trying, I had to step back to realize that he really thought his deep issues could be resolved through simple actions like finding a job, doing better in school, and stop drinking so much. These steps would have helped, but it would not have solved the deep issues inside of him that he inadvertently (and sometimes advertently) took out on me, verbally.
> ...


I know that feeling. She'd also act as if everything could be blamed on something or someone else. To be honest, some of the most tender moments we had were when she'd apologize for something she did. If I ever attempted to talk to her about why she did it though, she'd take back the apology and get angry again.
I'm with you on the lots of stories to tell part too. She never let me talk to any girls (definitely not exes, even if we never had sex) and resented me for all my past relationships. Apparently it was all my fault that I didn't have the foresight that they wouldn't last. It'd be like my next partner ripping my head off for my stbxw and I's relationship! It just makes no sense and it's really bizarre.

She'd have a go at me out of nowhere saying that I was aggressive. I'd then say "I'm not being aggressive" and she'd keep pushing until I snapped. Then she'd say "see, that's why I'm upset about you!"
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
She creates a conflict about my reaction to her picking on me, then tries to justify her picking on me on my reaction to it. It's hard to explain but I imagine you might have simliar stories/ experiences.

I'll just say that whoever you end up with will be lucky, as us partners of sick people are generally understanding past the point of which it's still healthy for us, haha.


----------



## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

Husbandinneed92 said:


> \ She creates a conflict about my reaction to her picking on me, then tries to justify her picking on me on my reaction to it. It's hard to explain but I imagine you might have simliar stories/ experiences.


Oh yeah. We'd be in the car (I'd usually be driving), and he'd get mad about something. He'd say, "Just don't say anything else to me right now! You're just making me more mad! Let me cool down!" So I would keep my mouth shut, but he thought it was okay for him to mumble whatever he pleased, but I wasn't allowed to say anything, not even "Stop saying that!" or "How come you're allowed to talk?" (And usually it was hurtful words towards me.) The final result of this: Because I wanted to defend myself, it was my fault he got so pissed about something stupid and overreacted.



Husbandinneed92 said:


> \I'll just say that whoever you end up with will be lucky, as us partners of sick people are generally understanding past the point of which it's still healthy for us, haha.


Amen to that! We now deserve an easy-going, drama-free relationship. Not that we didn't before, but now we really do! Haha.


----------



## Husbandinneed92 (Aug 5, 2012)

~TheOptimist~ said:


> Oh yeah. We'd be in the car (I'd usually be driving), and he'd get mad about something. He'd say, "Just don't say anything else to me right now! You're just making me more mad! Let me cool down!" So I would keep my mouth shut, but he thought it was okay for him to mumble whatever he pleased, but I wasn't allowed to say anything, not even "Stop saying that!" or "How come you're allowed to talk?" (And usually it was hurtful words towards me.) The final result of this: Because I wanted to defend myself, it was my fault he got so pissed about something stupid and overreacted.
> 
> 
> 
> Amen to that! We now deserve an easy-going, drama-free relationship. Not that we didn't before, but now we really do! Haha.


I know that exact feeling. It got really horrible towards the end. Instead of mumbling she'd usually swear at me or hurt herself, and then tell me to "look at what [you've] done"
It was really messed up as I could never have my say, and I'd never be allowed to speak my mind.
It's a cruel circle that I'm glad is now broken. I'm my own man and answer to myself.

I can't see an easy-going relationship in my future but I'm the kind of guy that rare women are attracted to. I get into relationships without attending to, and they find my very appealing when most people don't. So hopefully I'll have a pleasant surprise in the future.

I just want an end to all the drama - can't be good for my life expectancy, haha.

How've you been today anyhow?


----------

