# Fell off the 180 - help



## audacia (Apr 27, 2013)

I fell off the 180 wagon today ... now what do I do?

About 2 weeks ago something strong and powerful came over me. I realized that for me, the past was holding me hostage. I knew that I had to do something to change my life. With or without my WH. I decided to just get on with my life and go back to my happy joyful self. I was engaging with my WH in an opposite from my usual way. I have been upbeat and cheerful. I have been staying away from talk about the marriage. I have been focused on what I'm doing and less on what he's doing. I'm polite but not overly friendly. I was in the 180 zone. 

Then today, I asked him a question I already knew the answer to, and he lied. I snapped and called him some names. I got angry and yelled. 

Is there anything I should say to him? Or should I just get back to my life like it didn't happen?


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Just act like it never happened.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's not a science and no one's perfect so give yourself a break and also give yourself credit for knowing what you want to do.

Say nothing. Tomorrow's a new day. Make it a 180 day.


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## don'tmesswithtexas (Jul 18, 2013)

I have bad days where I say things to STBX and then I calm down and apologize and move on. Tomorrow is another day. Keep your head and up and keep moving forward.


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## audacia (Apr 27, 2013)

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

That's what I needed. I appreciate the advice. TAM is my safe place. I come here and read often when my world gets bumpy. It helps me stay strong. It helps to know that I'm not crazy and that this is a process that many people have been through. 

Just those few simple words put the steel back in my spine. I'm going out for a walk to clear my head and breath the fresh air.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Honestly I can't tell you how many times I lost it with my cheating WW during the divorce. I just got so tired of being lied to and cheated on and never getting a straight answer that I would snap on her and bring her to tears every once in a while. I felt like sh!t for making her cry, even though I had every right to... it just isn't good karma. 

The important thing to remember is this does not help you. I know how good it feels to release that built up pressure but it only drives you further apart and makes the cheater/wayward feel better about their initial decision. On top of that it just makes you feel like sh!t for being the bad guy, even though you're the victim in this and trying to be the responsible one holding them to the relationship standards they agreed on. 

Try to keep in mind that you're both hurting right now and apologizing does help. You may not feel like it, but you're not apologizing for being the BS you're apologizing for fighting. The one I always tried to say to my wife was I understood how the situation was hard on both of us and I was making it worse by arguing over it. It really goes into psychology there, you beat yourself up and they stop hitting you and defend you instead.

You really only get a few believable apologies before they write you off as a self preservation tactic, so try to learn your lesson and vent some where else. And if you can the best thing is to get out of the house when you feel like exploding and then come back when you're ready like nothing bothers you. Everyone who's been through this will tell you that the WS will do anything they can to push your buttons so they don't feel bad. It make them feel right about cheating seeing you explode, and being unable to get to you really scares them.

If you've ever read "Divorce Remedy" back sliding has it's own chapter. It happens naturally, and the best thing is just to forgive yourself and dust yourself off for another day.

Sorry I'm rambling here but I do have some good advice. 

There's a 180 game you can play with yourself that will help. For every day of good/no contact you have with your husband, you save $1 somewhere for yourself. But if you back-slide, argue, or generally sink to his level you have to give it all to charity and start over the next day. Or if you can't afford to donate to charity you have to use it all for non luxury expenses like bills. I got up to $115 doing this and then slipped. I found this game really helped me keep my mind on the better picture and made NC while separated a hell of a lot easier.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I hate it when my WS makes me cry or asks me a question he knows will set me off. He asked me last night just how much I wanted to know about the skank OW and I said ALL of it (of course I did not, but knew he would not tell anything). He said I will not intentionally hurt you by telling you all of it. WTH, why ask then? He intentionally lies when he knows I already know the truth or will find out. The lies make it a lot worse for me.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

pollywog said:


> I hate it when my WS makes me cry or asks me a question he knows will set me off. He asked me last night just how much I wanted to know about the skank OW and I said ALL of it (of course I did not, but knew he would not tell anything). He said I will not intentionally hurt you by telling you all of it. WTH, why ask then? He intentionally lies when he knows I already know the truth or will find out. The lies make it a lot worse for me.


What matters is that he will give you whatever details you want. He's not owning what he's done because he won't tell you what he's done.

It's your responsibility to make trickle truth an intolerable solution or not Pollywog. I personally would choose to make it a showstopper. Anything asked must be answered truthfully or we're not together. If he loves you then given only those two options, he will answer those questions that make him feel ashamed and you will also avoid asking the ones you don't really want answers for. Knowing you can ask and he will answer honestly is the only way to keep this from coming up over and over.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

He will not answer and will not cut contact so we are moving forward with the separation/divorce. My deal breakers were honesty and no contact of any kind. She sent him pron vids of herself on my birthday and he opened them in our home. That was the final straw.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

pollywog said:


> He will not answer and will not cut contact so we are moving forward with the separation/divorce. My deal breakers were honesty and no contact of any kind. She sent him pron vids of herself on my birthday and he opened them in our home. That was the final straw.


I'm sorry pollywog.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

She now just sends the porn to his phone


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are not a robot. Just brush yourself off and get back on track. you are made up of human flesh and not a stoic, so when these emotions hit you react. Normal. You are normal.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

pollywog said:


> She now just sends the porn to his phone


Would it make you feel better if I sent porn to his phone too? Tell me what OW looks like, I'll send your stbxh tranny porn with shemales that look like her... so when he's thinking of her he'll be thinking of (S)him too.:rofl:


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> Would it make you feel better if I sent porn to his phone too? Tell me what OW looks like, I'll send your stbxh tranny porn with shemales that look like her... so when he's thinking of her he'll be thinking of (S)him too.:rofl:


LOL, OMG he would die. I do have a pic to her actually taken 2 weeks ago. That would be so funny and he would have a stroke if he got other porn.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

pollywog said:


> LOM, OMG he would die. I do have a pic to her actually taken 2 weeks ago. That would be so funny.


Never underestimate a good prank on a complete assh*le. It won't help your situation AT ALL and may screw up any plans for reconciliation, but it will make you feel better in the mean time and give you a good laugh. 

Personally, I like the idea of giving cheaters too much of what they crave and taking away yourself as the plan B. Like going out on dates with friends or meetup.com events and not telling the cheater anything. Then coming through the door smelling of men's cologne samples.

I told you before pollywog, affairs don't usually last very long after their climax... The point you're at now where they both slip up and do some very rude things in public just not even attempting to hide the affair anymore. I mean it's a good thing you're done and I wouldn't be telling you this if you were really still trying, but I want to let you know at this point you're not to far off from the make or break moment. 

If I were you I would just drop it, wash your hands of him, and go do your own thing with other people. Not necessarily sex because it's going to make you feel horribly empty inside and make you feel like a cheater yourself, but you could join a gym and take a dance class or something. Use all this pent up hate to push yourself to do something great just to spite him. C'mon over to the Social Spot and join the workout threads. We'd love to see you there.:smthumbup:


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Thank you Nsweet. He accidentally sent me a text meant for her and then emailed me their email for the day to my work. Once he realized he called and begged me not to read them just delete because they were old emails. No they were not and had just been sent that day. He should haev known I would read them. That was the last 2% I had left for an R.

I am actually train for a 5K, my first one and I have a male friend coming to town next week for some work and we will have lunch or dinner. This male friend would not hit on me because he knows my situation right now. 

I have been trying to be nice because there is a lot of $$ at stake, but ready to just cut my losses and go.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

OP, just stick with it. It's not like being an aloholic and falling off the wagon. It's more like saying "I'm not going to look that direction" then something bright shines in the corner of your eye and you involuntarily look. You don't have to keep looking. 

You are well-prepared. You KNOW about the 180, which is more than most folks out there in similar sitations know. It gives you power and control over YOUR life. After any LTR goes bad, this is the most important thing in your recovery.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

pollywog said:


> Thank you Nsweet. He accidentally sent me a text meant for her and then emailed me their email for the day to my work. Once he realized he called and begged me not to read them just delete because they were old emails. No they were not and had just been sent that day. He should have known I would read them. That was the last 2% I had left for an R.
> 
> I am actually train for a 5K, my first one and I have a male friend coming to town next week for some work and we will have lunch or dinner. This male friend would not hit on me because he knows my situation right now.
> 
> I have been trying to be nice because there is a lot of $$ at stake, but ready to just cut my losses and go.


One thing I learned from my cheating ex wife I can tell you now, is if he's going to disrespect your intelligence like he did telling you "oh they're old, it's nothing..." don't waste your time on him. The one thing that really pissed me off about my ex was she knew I had stack upon stacks of psychology books I read and yet she thought she could lie to me. I'm a pretty smart guy and every time she tried to sell me a bold faced lie I just felt so insulted. 

The one sure sign I've seen of reconcile worthy cheaters on TAM is they actually try to juggle both and spend quality time with each, while seeming confused. I'm not talking about just a show either I mean like the husbands will cancel dates with the OW to nurse the sick wife back to health during a really bad cold, or they'll put forth a lot of effort in apologizing for hurting their wives and will go out and buy you things and cut off the affair for at least a week or so. It's almost too much to ask for immediate NC and a breakup, there's a whole mess detox and breakup that they have to come to on their own. You at least want to see genuine concern and effort though. 

It also sounds to me like you're on the right track with the date you have planned. That's one thing you really want in a real man, he'll actually wait until you become available to snap you up and prevent from adding more drama to your life with another affair. You may feel ready but it's really a bad idea to jump into bed with anyone else until you've divorced and can come into another relationship with a good conscious. Not everyone does it, but then again you don't want to ever enter into a relationship that might turn into marriage as an affair... statistically doomed to fail. However, he sounds like he may be a good guy for you.

Also, if you've haven't read some of the longer stories in CWI let me tell you what usually happens when the BS starts to date again. Your husband's going to try to put his foot down or manipulate you into saying, after all he makes the rules for cheating, he breaks the rules for cheating, and he bends them at will to make it ok for him ONLY HIM. So you stepping out scares the crap out of him. Second, you'll usually see a bunch of sympathy and promises... Usually if mean and strict doesn't work then sweetness, tears and presents are next. Appreciate his effort and reward him a little but don't fall for it. 

What you want to see is him giving up and falling into a depression... Usually when the OW thinks she has him it's like 6-8 months later she turns on him and isn't so sweet anymore, it's more about trying to get him to keep giving or else try to get him to commit ASAP. If he isn't jumping into marriage by then he may come around, but you want to make sure you have other men in your life he has to compete with. I always like to think of a cheater as someone stealing from the company and having to prove themselves among the many candidates you've lined up to replace them. And if you see anyone better he better get to the back of the line and stay there.:smthumbup:

You know what's really funny about this. Odds are her sexual appetite and loving nature towards him are just the chase and he's going to find out she's not as fun to be around when he's divorced and she finally has him. She may even bring out a secret addiction and gain weight or really try to change his appearance into something tooly like other women here have reported. I know I got a big laugh out of my ex wife and the OM gaining a lot of weight and breaking up recently, over what I assume is her problems with finances and unwillingness to actually do the job she divorced me for on graduation day. IDK I think she's something for a pyramid scheme, something stupid.:rofl:


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

He has told me she is not long term material, but who knows. I had pulled away emotionally before 7/15 and then he decided to work on
the marriage and sucked me right back in. Worse this time but I will be ok. Says he is not moving in with her because it will be a 2 hour drive each way to work. She has said she will sell her house and move closer, he can stop working and she will take care of finances etc. Pathetic.

I hope it does not work out for them actually. We will split up but may not file right away. He had the NERVE to ask me if he could come back if it did not work with her UH NO. But they have known each other for many years and I bet it works for the happily ever after for them. 

Not looking for another relationship any time soon, but the guy coming next week is an old friend from my home town, so wil be great to see him. I need to be able to let WS go and not get so emotional. I get all teary just thinking about it.

Reading the book Getting Past What You'll Never Get Over. I know I am not the only one hurting and going thru this, but it is tough.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

OP - sorry I hijacked your thread


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

pollywog said:


> He has told me she is not long term material, but who knows. I had pulled away emotionally before 7/15 and then he decided to work on
> the marriage and sucked me right back in. Worse this time but I will be ok. Says he is not moving in with her because it will be a 2 hour drive each way to work. She has said she will sell her house and move closer, he can stop working and she will take care of finances etc. Pathetic.
> 
> I hope it does not work out for them actually. We will split up but may not file right away. He had the NERVE to ask me if he could come back if it did not work with her UH NO. But they have known each other for many years and I bet it works for the happily ever after for them.
> ...


That sounds like what happened to my neighbor, but her cheating husband told her over and over that it wouldn't work with the OW and eventually moved in with her. I don't even think it lasted 6 months because they're back together and working on reconciling. I've only talked with her a few times because I didn't want to pester her with this stuff. What I gathered from her is the same thing I always see in these cheating waywards. 

They slack off in the relationship, get sick of you nagging at them, find someone else on their own low level, and cheat. But the affairs almost never last... I say almost for those who are good people doing a very bad thing. The spouses who just go throughout life using people will cheat with you and on you never letting go of one before swinging to the next, like a monkey swinging from trees... There's always someone else lined up. I won't get into it but these people play by different rules.

What I've seen over and over on here and IRL is that as soon as you throw your hands up, file for divorce, and start living your life it puts an end to affairs. Either they jump ship to live with someone as lowlife as themselves or they decide to recommit to you. And if they decide to recommit you have to make yourself a catch again and not expect them to end the affair immediately. As much as it sucks for you, they're still in love with the AP and for you to force the issue just makes you even more of the controlling b!tch they would want to cheat on. So you just have to keep them at arms length and live your life for a while. 

That sounds to me like exactly what you're doing, and perfectly I might add. You've got to keep me updated pollywog because I'm interested to see how your story comes along after you file for divorce, separate, and the better male enters the picture. That's going to be an interesting one for TAM.:rofl:


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

He keeps saying he is not leaving our home and going straight to hers, that part is true but they will still be together until they can work the logistics out. Thing is I don't nag, he was the nagger over small crap that meant nothing at the end of the day. I did retreat into another world when my brother passed away because it hit me so hard. I had been his caregiver for 5 years and it took a lot of my time. That is when our marriage started falling apart. But he never noticed I was suffering, instead he chose to hook up with an old GF from HS. Actually he called her as he did from time to time, she saw a weak spot and moved in. She knew exactly what she was doing. I don't totally blame her because he could/should have said no. I have accepted my part in the marriage crumbling, however he blames me 100%.

My rules for R was he had to be honest and NC with her at all. He could do neither one and I will not share my marriage with another skank. He has not moved out yet and we live basically as roomies, but that is ok. We have agreed to an asset split and he will get half my retirement account, which will be a good chunk of change. I hate the laws here because a cheater should not be allowed to claim half the retirement of the BS, either male or female. He asked me just how much I wanted to know about them and I said ALL of it. He then said no I will not hurt you by telling you anything. He has no clue I know most of it anyway, just wanted him to say it.

He said he loves us both. He actually told me if he could take part of me and part of her and make his perfect woman he would. I wanted to kick him square in the crotch. He loves her because it is new,different & kinky. He loves me because we have a near 16 year relationship, it is comfortable/stable for him. Right now he is into the kink she will dish out, what ever he wants, she will do no matter how degrading to herself. I am not a prude by any means but I draw the line at self satisfaction in a public place while he videos it. Just not happening with me. I do think the kink will wear off soon enough, she will become a leach afraid he will cheat on her and he will be miserable. Oh well his life his choice.

I would give anything for my marriage to work, him be 100% committed and us move into our retirement years as we planned, sadly I doubt that will happen. I can move on, but will take some time. I just don't want him to see me cry and I cannot seem to help it for some reason. When we discuss the split I get all emotional and I know he is loving that :-(


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> That sounds like what happened to my neighbor, but her cheating husband told her over and over that it wouldn't work with the OW and eventually moved in with her. I don't even think it lasted 6 months because they're back together and working on reconciling. I've only talked with her a few times because I didn't want to pester her with this stuff. What I gathered from her is the same thing I always see in these cheating waywards.
> *
> They slack off in the relationship, get sick of you nagging at them, find someone else on their own low level, and cheat. But the affairs almost never last... I say almost for those who are good people doing a very bad thing. The spouses who just go throughout life using people will cheat with you and on you never letting go of one before swinging to the next, like a monkey swinging from trees... There's always someone else lined up. I won't get into it but these people play by different rules.
> *
> ...


What kind of rules exactly. Always looking for more insight. This is my STBXH to a tee. He was lacking in our relationship but I the one that needed to change and he lined anew one up before letting me know we were going to separate. They are now living together.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

pollywog said:


> He keeps saying he is not leaving our home and going straight to hers, that part is true but they will still be together until they can work the logistics out. Thing is I don't nag, he was the nagger over small crap that meant nothing at the end of the day. I did retreat into another world when my brother passed away because it hit me so hard. I had been his caregiver for 5 years and it took a lot of my time. That is when our marriage started falling apart. But he never noticed I was suffering, instead he chose to hook up with an old GF from HS. Actually he called her as he did from time to time, she saw a weak spot and moved in. She knew exactly what she was doing. I don't totally blame her because he could/should have said no. I have accepted my part in the marriage crumbling, however he blames me 100%.
> 
> My rules for R was he had to be honest and NC with her at all. He could do neither one and I will not share my marriage with another skank. He has not moved out yet and we live basically as roomies, but that is ok. We have agreed to an asset split and he will get half my retirement account, which will be a good chunk of change. I hate the laws here because a cheater should not be allowed to claim half the retirement of the BS, either male or female. He asked me just how much I wanted to know about them and I said ALL of it. He then said no I will not hurt you by telling you anything. He has no clue I know most of it anyway, just wanted him to say it.
> 
> ...


Just wanted to say I am so sorry for you pollywog. My situation is very similar. My EX loves me and whatever flavour of the month he is with and is the same with the degrading sexual stuff that I refused to do, since he developed his love of BDSM while cheating. It sucks and at times I almost wish he hated me instead. Maybe it would be easier, I doubt it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

They're both naive to what they're getting. It feels so dreamy and meant to be now because they only see each other's good sides. Talk a a lawyer and expedite the process far enough so you're not living together. Let him taste the reality of what he's heading for. He probably doesn't notice all of the little things getting done around the house, his security that you've got his back, etc. These will not be part of his batchler pad. He learn the miss perfect isn't so perfect. Once the competition is over then she'll settle into whatever she really is. Not the facade he's been seeing. That's how it works so frequently IMO anyway.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> They're both naive to what they're getting. It feels so dreamy and meant to be now because they only see each other's good sides. Talk a a lawyer and expedite the process far enough so you're not living together. Let him taste the reality of what he's heading for. He probably doesn't notice all of the little things getting done around the house, his security that you've got his back, etc. These will not be part of his batchler pad. He learn the miss perfect isn't so perfect. Once the competition is over then she'll settle into whatever she really is. Not the facade he's been seeing. That's how it works so frequently IMO anyway.


Exactly. It is all fun/games/sneaking around. Heck it was all fun/exciting when we got together back in June 97, but we have gotten older and things have changed.

In my state I cannot make him leave the home until the judge grants the divorce and states who gets the house or if we have to sell it. We are joint owners and as such here, both can stay. I will not leave because he would let it foreclose and my name is on the mortgage. 

He has no clue what all goes on in the household that will not be done when he moves out (unless he moves into her home which he says no, too far to work). He never has to worry about finances, bills, the bank accounts - nothing. I take care of all that because my background is accounting. 

She wants him in whatever way she can get him, she don't care. She has loved him since she was 16 (sick skank she is) and has always wanted him. They feel they were meant to be together because they are soul mates and have been for 40+ years. Once he gets with her full time, he will not leave because he will not want to admit she is exactly what he has been told she is. He tells me he made a huge mistake - I tell him yes you did but you continue to make it. They have not seen each other since 7/10 and in fact that was only the 3rd or 4th time they have met in person since March 30th. So how can you be madly in love with someone you have only spent brief hours with? Thousands of hours on the phone and that is what she is in love with, his phone persona. He loves that she sends personal porn to him daily. 

Once he tells his family we are splitting up, I will let them know the real reason and that I have seen the emails/porn vids. Let them give her the "look" when they meet her LOL


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## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

It is downright erie how similar our situations are...


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## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

pollywog said:


> Exactly. It is all fun/games/sneaking around. Heck it was all fun/exciting when we got together back in June 97, but we have gotten older and things have changed.
> 
> In my state I cannot make him leave the home until the judge grants the divorce and states who gets the house or if we have to sell it. We are joint owners and as such here, both can stay. I will not leave because he would let it foreclose and my name is on the mortgage.
> 
> ...


I just have to weigh in on the star crossed soul mate crap...I am beginning to see this as a large insult to mine and any BS intelligence. This admission stabs like a knife and ONLY benefits the WS so they appear less of an a$$. If all of the crap they've put BS through was done "in the name of love" it must be ok, right? This just makes the WS look that much LESS appealing in my opinion. And it helps me to see this. I hope it does you too.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't know your story/circumstances---I assume you are working on a R

If that is so----you know that any R, must be under your terms, and rules with your boundaries----WITH SPECIFIC ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES---not words

He is spose to be doing whatever is necessary to be getting back into the family---he does all the heavy lifting---he is accountable, and remorseful, and does what is necessary, to make your life livable

You must jump on him with both feet, if you catch him in a lie---he has to know---he cannot lie, or do anything else, that he previously did----he lied---you come down on him, and you come down hard

He has to know from now on, this mge, is based on the truth----you already have no trust---and he is lying to you again--------you need to do something to make him change his worthless ways

If you do not wanna see an atty, or actually threaten a D------then bluff him, the next time he lies, or breaks a boundary---go on line---go to your state's legal forms----print out your state's D packet, and custody packets---and leave them in the house where he can find them---he doesn't have to know where you got them from---and you do not have to tell him---but he needs a good shaking up, seeing the packets---will get a definite reaction, I promise you.

If you are not strong about how you conduct this R----he will cheat on you again---down the line---cuz he will know, based on this present experience, that you will actually do nothing---and he gets a free pass-----he must know you are DEADLY SERIOUS---forget the 180---just plain go "dark" on him


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

We tried R and the NC lasted a week. Then he made a big production of not NC on the day the realtor came by, this only after he sent me a text meant for skank. He was back in touch with her the next day. 

I call him out on every lie, but of course he spins it back on me. He don't really want her full time and he knows once he no longer lives under the same roof with me she will nag him to get with her 24/7. I am to the point I just don't care, but still get emotional at times. I am trying to move forward but cannot seems to get past a certain point. He loves me I know that, but it is not the same love it used to be. I cannot handle the sharing part because I am selfish like that. I don't want a marriage where there is another person in it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

pollywog said:


> We tried R and the NC lasted a week. Then he made a big production of not NC on the day the realtor came by, this only after he sent me a text meant for skank. He was back in touch with her the next day.
> 
> I call him out on every lie, but of course he spins it back on me. He don't really want her full time and he knows once he no longer lives under the same roof with me she will nag him to get with her 24/7. I am to the point I just don't care, but still get emotional at times. I am trying to move forward but cannot seems to get past a certain point. He loves me I know that, but it is not the same love it used to be. I cannot handle the sharing part because I am selfish like that. I don't want a marriage where there is another person in it.


He wasn't trying R. He just got caught lying to you about it. There's nothing to spin on you. Those are just more of his lies. More of his justification and blame shifting.

He's certainly thinking of himself and is treating you will no respect. I don't think love is part of that equation.


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