# Husband's personal hygiene is awful. pls help



## drmmommy

Hi all, I am new here and looking for some advice. My husband showers Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, never on weekends. He brushes his teeth 4-5 times a week, also never on weekends. We don't kiss anymore because I am disgusted with his oral hygiene. He shaves about once or twice a month. We haven't had sex in 6 months because his showering habits gross me out. He took a shower last Friday morning, and put on a clean pair of underwear. On Saturday night, I noticed that he was still wearing the same pair of underwear, and there was a poop smear that had soaked through to the outside of his underwear. He went to bed, and wore the same pair of poopy underwear to a birthday party for a child on Sunday, again without showering. Then he wore them to bed again Sunday night and didn't change them until he showered this morning (monday) for work. Our bed smells disgusting! I am at my wits end. I have tried asking him nicely to shower more. I have tried nagging. I'm withholding sex, but not to be mean, just because I can't stand the idea of all the germs, poop, sweat, etc. down there. I have bought all different kinds of body wash, loofahs, shower poufs, different toothpastes and toothbrushes, etc. I have discussed the issue with him, but not recently. He said that he's always been like this, even before we were married. But honestly I don't remember it ever being so bad like this. We've been together 10 years, married for 4. Our son was diagnosed with autism last August, and he works very hard so I can stay home with our son. I know he is stressed, and likely in the stages of grief over the autism diagnosis, maybe a little depressed. We don't have health insurance, so we can't really get marriage counseling. Even when we still had insurance, he never went to therapy or showed any interest in it when I went. Sorry this is so long, but I'd appreciate any help you all can offer! Thank you in advance.


----------



## Browncoat

I assume you've talked to him about this already? 

Does he exercise at all? If not with all the stress in your lives it would be good for him. I know for me (as a guy) when I don't exercise I don't always shower ever day, but after a good work out I can't wait to shower. Oh and after exercising there's no way I want to even touch that old pair of underwear.


----------



## drmmommy

Browncoat said:


> I assume you've talked to him about this already?
> 
> Does he exercise at all? If not with all the stress in your lives it would be good for him. I know for me (as a guy) when I don't exercise I don't always shower ever day, but after a good work out I can't wait to shower. Oh and after exercising there's no way I want to even touch that old pair of underwear.


I have discussed it with him, but not in the last month or so. He does not like to exercise, I can't even get him to go on a walk with me and our son. All he does in his free time is sit on the couch and watch movies on Netflix. I don't watch tv very much, so we don't spend much time together. We don't have anything to talk about, so we generally just sit there in silence. And god help me if I interrupt his movie to talk to him! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon

He needs to start finding something active to do, for his OWN benefit, let alone yours. Is he feeling burdened with something: work? chores? feeling tethered to the home? I am a big time home-body and I dislike it, but find it so hard to get going sometimes, especially when there is a mess, child to feed, chores to do etc, and there is ALWAYS something to be done which I used as an excuse to never get out. And to escape the misery I'd put on a movie or tv show... Maybe you should cancel your netflix? Find a way to kick him out of the house, maybe means having to do some sh!t you shouldn't have to do (ie mothering him) but try to encourage and entice him out of his rut or he will stay there indefinitely.


----------



## drmmommy

Thanks for the great idea Lon. I'll look into meetup and see if I can find a group that he might like to participate in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drmmommy

I think he is burdened by work. He doesn't do chores, and rarely cares for our special needs son, those are my responsibilities. Perhaps this is his way of dealing with grief.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Browncoat

drmmommy said:


> I have discussed it with him, but not in the last month or so. He does not like to exercise, I can't even get him to go on a walk with me and our son. All he does in his free time is sit on the couch and watch movies on Netflix. I don't watch tv very much, so we don't spend much time together. We don't have anything to talk about, so we generally just sit there in silence. And god help me if I interrupt his movie to talk to him!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah that's not healthy at any level. I'll admit I like netflix, and there are times when I disappear into my man cave for a bit... but never at the expense of my family. I give myself 15-20 minutes after dinner to relax but after that I'm all about my family until they go to bed.

It almost sounds like he's got a mild addition to entertainment. If so he wouldn't be the first.

Once someone gets into a rut like that it's really hard to get them out of it. Even if part of them wants to change.

Does he have a friend who may make a good work out buddy? Lots of guys hate working out alone, so maybe if he had a friend who he can hang out with while exercising (gym, walks around the neighborhood, etc.). Well perhaps then you can get him off his coach potato bum and into action! 

So I have been working out a lot more, since coming to this forum. Now the driving thing for me is that I want to improve my marriage and really myself. So I've been making a point to go to bed earlier, and get going in the morning. I know for me if I don't exercise before work... it rarely happens.

Another thing for me is that we have a dog, and since I often times walk him, I've turned it into a speed walk. I just walk as fast as I can w/o it turning into a jog for about 30 minutes. Really helps me work out stress.


----------



## drmmommy

Browncoat said:


> Yeah that's not healthy at any level. I'll admit I like netflix, and there are times when I disappear into my man cave for a bit... but never at the expense of my family. I give myself 15-20 minutes after dinner to relax but after that I'm all about my family until they go to bed.
> 
> It almost sounds like he's got a mild addition to entertainment. If so he wouldn't be the first.
> 
> Once someone gets into a rut like that it's really hard to get them out of it. Even if part of them wants
> 
> Does he have a friend who may make a good work out buddy? Lots of guys hate working out alone, so maybe if he had a friend who he can hang out with while exercising (gym, walks around the neighborhood, etc.). Well perhaps then you can get him off his coach potato bum and into action!
> 
> So I have been working out a lot more, since coming to this forum. Now the driving thing for me is that I want to improve my marriage and really myself. So I've been making a point to go to bed earlier, and get going in the morning. I know for me if I don't exercise before work... it rarely happens.
> 
> Another thing for me is that we have a dog, and since I often times walk him, I've turned it into a speed walk. I just walk as fast as I can w/o it turning into a jog for about 30 minutes. Really helps me work out stress.


he does not have any friends. But maybe he will workout with me if I get us a pair of gym memberships. I'd like to get in better shape as well. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Browncoat

drmmommy said:


> he does not have any friends. But maybe he will workout with me if I get us a pair of gym memberships. I'd like to get in better shape as well. Thank you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's tough when you're a parent to make new friends, especially for the one(s) working. Unless you make friends at work, you really don't have many outlets to form new friendships. Perhaps church if that's your thing, but if the circle you run with there is more acquaintance vs friendship material you are again at a loss.

My wife and I joined the local Y last Dec. Took us a few months to regularly get our behinds down there, but it's been good for both of us. Just stick with it if it doesn't "stick" the first month or so. It takes a while to turn around bad (yet comfortable) habits.

Another thing that might help is if he used to play any sports (basketball, baseball, volleyball, etc.) it might be a good thing to see if there are any beginner leagues he could join up (at the gym or elsewhere).

Even if you have to go alone for a while, it's worth it for you... and who knows you may inspire him. I know my wife and I sort of cross inspire each other to work out.


----------



## drmmommy

That's funny, I was just looking up the local YMCA! Looks like they have some great programs, I will definitely be looking into it further.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Browncoat

drmmommy said:


> That's funny, I was just looking up the local YMCA! Looks like they have some great programs, I will definitely be looking into it further.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now if you want to be really sneaky while being supportive, make him think the Y is his idea.


----------



## PBear

I must be getting cynical in my old age... In my experience, it's hard enough for people to make changes like this even if they WANT to change. If they're happy with we're they're at, trying to get someone to change seems about as likely as breaking rocks with a marshmallow.

Sorry, just my thoughts. My first thought was that he's suffering from depression. Maybe it's job related, maybe from hearing your son's diagnosis. How long ago was that, btw? And can you tie changes in your husband's behavior to that time? In any case, until your husband recognizes he has a problem and is willing to deal with it, you're pushing a rope uphill.

Have you considered counseling for yourself? It might help give you some insights on dealing with the situation. And I'm not saying you're in the wrong! Just that the only person you can directly change is yourself.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chelle D

My first thought when I saw the thread title was to tell you to buy some new body soap... like AXE body soap or something & encourage him & say how well he smells --- after he gets out of a shower---.

But I see that you say you already tried the new soap/toothpaste, etc stuff.

I almost want to say... print out the first post & show it to him. Then say "we need to talk". After he reads it, say that this is how upset you are about it. That it is really bugging you and that yOu don't remember him being like this before your son was born.

Tell him that you want to be closer to him again, but it almost feels like you are becoming germ-a-phobe... and could he possibly, see it in his heart to do this for you... to try to smell pretty & clean & wear clean underwear.. just for you... just to have his wife smile???


----------



## drmmommy

PBear said:


> I must be getting cynical in my old age... In my experience, it's hard enough for people to make changes like this even if they WANT to change. If they're happy with we're they're at, trying to get someone to change seems about as likely as breaking rocks with a marshmallow.
> 
> Sorry, just my thoughts. My first thought was that he's suffering from depression. Maybe it's job related, maybe from hearing your son's diagnosis. How long ago was that, btw? And can you tie changes in your husband's behavior to that time? In any case, until your husband recognizes he has a problem and is willing to deal with it, you're pushing a rope uphill.
> 
> Have you considered counseling for yourself? It might help give you some insights on dealing with the situation. And I'm not saying you're in the wrong! Just that the only person you can directly change is yourself.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, yes I have considered counseling for myself, as I have issues too since the diagnosis which was in August 2011. I should look for counseling that's low cost and without insurance. Perhaps me working on changing my mental attitude, as well as my physical body will motivate him to do the same. I've gained some weight due to depression since the diagnosis, but I'm on depression and anxiety meds which help me a lot. Part of me wonders if his passive aggressive self is not keeping clean to get back at me for gaining weight. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bottled Up

I would find a way to gently break it to your husband about his hygiene issues, and then give him the MMSL book to read. MMSL will teach him all the importance about upholding his hygiene and physical appearance to be the best mate he can be to you. Sounds like he needs to up his "game" a bit for you.


----------



## drmmommy

Chelle D said:


> I almost want to say... print out the first post & show it to him. Then say "we need to talk". After he reads it, say that this is how upset you are about it. That it is really bugging you and that yOu don't remember him being like this before your son was born.
> 
> Tell him that you want to be closer to him again, but it almost feels like you are becoming germ-a-phobe... and could he possibly, see it in his heart to do this for you... to try to smell pretty & clean & wear clean underwear.. just for you... just to have his wife smile???


I have actually done a similar thing, about a year ago I posted on a forum I used to use about how he hadn't brushed his teeth in a week, etc...I let the thread up on the laptop screen for him to find. This resulted in him telling me how he doesn't like Colgate or crest toothpaste, he likes this melaleuca original flavor toothpaste he grew up with. So I looked it up, and the company doesn't make it anymore. He did get better about brushing his teeth, and now he brushes several times a week. (but only for work, not on his days off)

Maybe I am a germ a phobe...I was raised to shower every day and brush my teeth twice a day, but perhaps this is not the rule for everyone else? Fwiw, he was raised in the Midwest, not some foreign country without running water...

I stopped at the YMCA on my way home this morning and got the paperwork to sign myself up. Hopefully this will be a step in the right direction. I just can't shake the feeling that he's passive aggressively punishing me for gaining weight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## waiwera

Your not a germaphobe...your man had sh!tty pants for two days and slept next to you in bed and partied with family.. that stinks on many levels.

I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him... he clearly has no repect for you or himself.

I understand he may be depressed and you must for sure have full lives but good god..his pants were sh!tty!


----------



## drmmommy

Thanks waiwera, I'm glad to know that it's not just me. I know that I can be too picky about how clean my house is, I was wondering if I was expecting too much by hoping for clean underwear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## waiwera

drmmommy said:


> he doesn't like Colgate or crest toothpaste, he likes this melaleuca original flavor toothpaste he grew up with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Melaleuca is often just called Tea Tree (oil) when used in various products.
Maybe try doing a search using that name instead.


----------



## drmmommy

waiwera said:


> Melaleuca is often just called Tea Tree (oil) when used in various products.
> Maybe try doing a search using that name instead.


Oh, cool! Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## reggis

drmmommy said:


> On Saturday night, I noticed that he was still wearing the same pair of underwear, and there was a poop smear that had soaked through to the outside of his underwear. He went to bed, and wore the same pair of poopy underwear to a birthday party for a child on Sunday, again without showering. Then he wore them to bed again Sunday night and didn't change them until he showered this morning (monday) for work. Our bed smells disgusting!


Ok your hubby is a disgusting sh!t covered pig, and he's getting worse by the day.

Other than spraying him down with a firehouse every time he walks in the door there's nothing much you can do about it.


----------



## drmmommy

Lon said:


> He needs to start finding something active to do, for his OWN benefit, let alone yours. Is he feeling burdened with something: work? chores? feeling tethered to the home? I am a big time home-body and I dislike it, but find it so hard to get going sometimes, especially when there is a mess, child to feed, chores to do etc, and there is ALWAYS something to be done which I used as an excuse to never get out. And to escape the misery I'd put on a movie or tv show... Maybe you should cancel your netflix? Find a way to kick him out of the house, maybe means having to do some sh!t you shouldn't have to do (ie mothering him) but try to encourage and entice him out of his rut or he will stay there indefinitely.


Thanks again Lon, I found a Texas hold em meetup group for him and he's interested in joining! I think that will be helpful, getting him out of the house at least once every other week, to hang out with guys and do something he's interested in. I'm also signing up for the YMCA when they have their fair next weekend, so that should help. I'm also looking into the visalis diet, in hopes of shedding these extra pounds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Unhappy2011

Gross.....

I have a good friend with gross hygiene.

And he is actually a working actor. He's a very naturally good looking guy. He's very confident and outgoing and has no problems getting roles and women. 

He has some belief that his natural odor....which is BO....is attractive to women. He showers infrequently.

He smells, he burps and farts all the time, I don't think he has any clue how to do laundry, he is always sniffling snot loudly.

He takes his shoes off and they smell horribly. He urinates with the door open. You can be in the living room and all of a sudden just hear piss streaming into a toilet.


I really like the guy, he is a good friend and much more interesting than most people. But it's hard to be around him too long because of the lack of hygiene. I really don't get it.

I have no idea how his current girlfriend, who is a good looking woman herself, how she stands it.


----------



## Browncoat

drmmommy said:


> Thanks waiwera, I'm glad to know that it's not just me. I know that I can be too picky about how clean my house is, I was wondering if I was expecting too much by hoping for clean underwear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No as I read on, wow... he's just being gross (and I'm a guy who really doesn't worry much about germs).

I'd insist he take a shower every night before going to bed, ask him to do it for you as a kindness. When he's in the shower take those old undies and either incinerate them (lol), or put them in the wash and bring out new ones for him to change into.


----------



## drmmommy

Browncoat said:


> No as I read on, wow... he's just being gross (and I'm a guy who really doesn't worry much about germs).
> 
> I'd insist he take a shower every night before going to bed, ask him to do it for you as a kindness. When he's in the shower take those old undies and either incinerate them (lol), or put them in the wash and bring out new ones for him to change into.


I'll take a shower first, to show him I don't expect him to do something I won't do, and then nicely ask him if he is planning on showering next. His usual response is, "uh, I hadn't planned on it." or I'll ask him do you want to shower first, or should I? So I end up showering first, and he doesn't get in at all. We have a small stall like shower, so we can't really get in together. I do all our laundry, so he always has clean clothes, including underwear...I guess I just don't get it. Like today, he got up in plenty of time before work, didnt shower, put on clean pants, shirt, socks, but is still wearing the underwear he put on yesterday morning after his shower, wore all day yesterday, and to bed last night. I know for sure because I pickup his dirty laundry off the floor every day so I can see what he's taken off, and it doesn't include his underwear!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drmmommy

Browncoat said:


> I assume you've talked to him about this already?
> 
> Does he exercise at all? If not with all the stress in your lives it would be good for him. I know for me (as a guy) when I don't exercise I don't always shower ever day, but after a good work out I can't wait to shower. Oh and after exercising there's no way I want to even touch that old pair of underwear.


Browncoat, if you don't shower on a particular day, do you put on clean underwear anyway? Women have to put on clean underwear about every 12 hours, but I'm not sure with men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Browncoat

drmmommy said:


> Browncoat, if you don't shower on a particular day, do you put on clean underwear anyway? Women have to put on clean underwear about every 12 hours, but I'm not sure with men.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. I happen to sleep naked, so I put my underwear in the hamper before going to bed. Next morning when I get dressed I'm wearing all clean clothes (except pants which I sometimes wear for 3-5 days straight, but i work in an office sitting on my bum).


----------



## Lon

drmmommy said:


> ...We have a small stall like shower, so we can't really get in together.


Just throwing ideas out here, but have you maybe thought about renovating the bathroom? Build a nice, inviting luxury shower with room for two, maybe some extra jets...?

I know for me, personally, I hate stepping into a cramped, grungy shower, but anytime I've seen one of those nice showhome showers with tile and glass and massaging heads I've been tempted to undress and hop in right there. Maybe have some nice smelling soap in there... a waterproof lcd tv?


----------



## Peachy Cat

I may be way off base here, but I'm wondering if there's a possibility that he may have a form of autism also? High functioning autism, known as Asperger's Syndrome is often difficult to diagnose (especially in adults) and one of the main "complaints" (for lack of a better word) that SO's of Asperger's afflicted people have is lack of personal hygiene; it just doesn't bother them, so they see no need to worry about body smells, breath, etc. Like I said, I could be way off base, but... it's worth taking a look at if all other methods fail.


----------



## Browncoat

drmmommy said:


> I'll take a shower first, to show him I don't expect him to do something I won't do, and then nicely ask him if he is planning on showering next. His usual response is, "uh, I hadn't planned on it."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


... and the response is: plan on it hubby. 

The exact response of course is somewhat based on how you two talk to each other... but I really think you should be more firm.

Maybe tell him how you like cuddling up against a clean bod (or whatever might motivate him).


----------



## Halien

It is really refressing to see the supportive way you are adressing this. Sorry, though, but I just can't get over how it must be like to be around someone like this. I'd like to think that I'm not alone among men who pay really close attention to this for our wife's sake, even if we are away from work.

I think you have to use a little tough love. Be direct. It can be about the standards he must meet to be able to share the bedroom, etc.


----------



## drmmommy

Lon said:


> Just throwing ideas out here, but have you maybe thought about renovating the bathroom? Build a nice, inviting luxury shower with room for two, maybe some extra jets...?
> 
> I know for me, personally, I hate stepping into a cramped, grungy shower, but anytime I've seen one of those nice showhome showers with tile and glass and massaging heads I've been tempted to undress and hop in right there. Maybe have some nice smelling soap in there... a waterproof lcd tv?


I wish! That would be awesome but we rent our house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drmmommy

Halien said:


> It is really refressing to see the supportive way you are adressing this. Sorry, though, but I just can't get over how it must be like to be around someone like this. I'd like to think that I'm not alone among men who pay really close attention to this for our wife's sake, even if we are away from work.
> 
> I think you have to use a little tough love. Be direct. It can be about the standards he must meet to be able to share the bedroom, etc.


Thanks halien, i'm very impressed with the support I have received from this community  and by tough love, what do you suggest exactly? I don't want to be rude if at all possible...do I just say, I'd like you to shower every day and wear clean underwear every day? Or I'm going to sleep on the couch? Or what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drmmommy

Browncoat said:


> ... and the response is: plan on it hubby.
> 
> The exact response of course is somewhat based on how you two talk to each other... but I really think you should be more firm.
> 
> Maybe tell him how you like cuddling up against a clean bod (or whatever might motivate him).


Lol, good idea, thanks browncoat
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drmmommy

Peachy Cat said:


> I may be way off base here, but I'm wondering if there's a possibility that he may have a form of autism also? High functioning autism, known as Asperger's Syndrome is often difficult to diagnose (especially in adults) and one of the main "complaints" (for lack of a better word) that SO's of Asperger's afflicted people have is lack of personal hygiene; it just doesn't bother them, so they see no need to worry about body smells, breath, etc. Like I said, I could be way off base, but... it's worth taking a look at if all other methods fail.


I've wondered about this myself, even sent him a link to an aspie quiz thing I found. It kind of gives you an idea if you might have aspergers. He didn't do the quiz though. But I have read that parents of kids with autism display traits of aspergers, although perhaps not enough for a diagnosis. He does well at work, which requires him to communicate with others in social situations all day long. Now I feel kind of bad, because what if I'm being picky but it's something like a disability? I wouldn't be so upset about it if I knew it was beyond his understanding. My son is disabled, so that in itself makes me very sympathetic to people with special needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unhappy1

Sometimes men are like donkeys, they need hit right in the head with something befor they get it. I would flat out tell him. Honey, you stink! I am not the least bit turned on by a no showering couch potatoe with a racing stripe in his underwear! I love you but, if you want to be engaged with the family and resume intimacy, you need to clean up and get off the couch.


----------



## drmmommy

unhappy1 said:


> Sometimes men are like donkeys, they need hit right in the head with something befor they get it. I would flat out tell him. Honey, you stink! I am not the least bit turned on by a no showering couch potatoe with a racing stripe in his underwear! I love you but, if you want to be engaged with the family and resume intimacy, you need to clean up and get off the couch.


Well, I was unable to bring myself to tell him about the issues face to face. So last night I sent him an email explaining the situation, very specifically and simply so there would be no misunderstandings. I'm not sure if I can repost it because it's a bit graphic and I'm not sure what your tos allows. But anyway, he got the email, read it, and has barely spoken to me since. He did take a shower today though, but today was his regular shower day anyway. He also brushed his teeth today, so that's a good thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Browncoat

Now that you've blasted him, you need to make him still feel loved. Maybe do something nice for him back to get his attention. Cook him his favorite meal, or w/e floats his boat.

If you don't resentment will build. He can very easily slip into a mentality of "no matter what I do that woman isn't happy", something that needs to be avoided while he changes.


----------



## drmmommy

Browncoat said:


> Now that you've blasted him, you need to make him still feel loved. Maybe do something nice for him back to get his attention. Cook him his favorite meal, or w/e floats his boat.
> 
> If you don't resentment will build. He can very easily slip into a mentality of "no matter what I do that woman isn't happy", something that needs to be avoided while he changes.


Thanks so much for pointing that out, Browncoat. I hadn't thought of that. I will definitely take your advice, and make him a special dinner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LovesHerMan

I like Browncoat's carrot and stick approach. Keep both up so that he knows there is a problem, and yet has some motivation to change.


----------



## drmmommy

lovesherman said:


> I like Browncoat's carrot and stick approach. Keep both up so that he knows there is a problem, and yet has some motivation to change.


I agree it's a great idea, and I will do it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pandakiss

my thoughts...

just rip off his drawers, and have a warm/very hot wash cloth, with your choice of soap, and go to town..

grab a towel [one that you dont mind throwing out] wipe off the soap, throw the drawers [clean] on him, and simply get into the bed.

for a better effect rub your face, hair or boobs on his clean winky..give the best bj..like EVER...and say nothing.

it might take a few times, but eventually he will wash up, and perhaps change more often....try that old spice 18 hour body wash...it works, even if he misses a day.

i have done similar, i have just said.."did you wash your winky"..and if its a no, i will shrug, and find a book, or solitaire, or god vile. or whats on tv is really interesting...i have actually pulled his d!ck out..gave it the sniff test, like put my nose right on the tip..

if it smells nice, then i rub it on myself, if not..a small face, and a small taste...if its bad...then, we have a prob..

i am a bit of a gern-a-phobe, i like clean smells..i smell everything, its an annoying quark. i smell his pitts, if its nice [it usually is] i tell him so.

also, try buying body spray, like axe..just find one you like, and sneak a small amount of powder in to his socks, and shoes..unless he wears black socks...


----------



## drmmommy

I guess a big part of the problem is that this has been going on for so long that I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. My sex drive seems to have shut down because I don't have someone I'm attracted to in my life. There's a bunch of other issues too...his bizarre fetish, he doesn't make any noise or indication that he's enjoying himself when we do have sex, he lays there like hes dead when we have sex, he doesn't want me to play with my clit during sex, but he won't do it, so I can't get off, the refuses to give oral sex which makes me feel like I'm the gross dirty one...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rks1

There seems to be a whole lot more issues in your marriage besides just your husband's lack of hygiene. You say he just sits on the couch at home, doesn't help out at all, leaves his dirty clothes lying around for your to pick up, and he doesn't care about your sexual satisfaction. I can't imagine how you could be feeling sexual around him with all the resentment built up. It seems like there are a lot of issues here that need to be worked on for this marriage to be successful. I do wonder if he is going through some depression as well. Or perhaps it is just learned helplessness, that he takes advantage of your generosity just because he can get away with being selfish.


----------



## Pandakiss

have you told him how it makes you feel when he rejects you?? or explained how much you are building up resentment??

maybe its resentment and regression on both sides. maybe he is not feeling that close to connected to you, and this hygiene thing is a way to keep a boundry up..??

if he is plugged in to the tv, and not spending time together with you, it could be a dis-connect. and until that is talked about..nothing will change..


----------



## drmmommy

I have explained how I'd like sex to be over and over and over, but it never changes. I've asked, pleaded, requested, nagged about the hygiene thing and he will get better for a while then worse again. I wrote him a long email last night explaining myself again. We haven't kissed in a year or so. Maybe I should just get really drunk tonight and give him some really good sex. He told me a year ago that what he's thinking about when he's having sex with me is pissing in his adult diapers...we've only had sex 4 times since then. That really hurt my feelings, and combined with the hygiene, and the fact I can't get off when we have sex because he doesn't want me to touch myself, and he won't do it...and basically I'm totally not interested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear

WTF? Where do the adult diapers come into this?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drmmommy

PBear said:


> WTF? Where do the adult diapers come into this?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oops sorry for not clarifying. I posted on another thread: 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/44220-fetishes-weird-just-normal-2.html#post687749
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon

drmmommy said:


> Oops sorry for not clarifying. I posted on another thread:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/44220-fetishes-weird-just-normal-2.html#post687749
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


without reading the other thread I would wager he watches more than just TV when you are not around... He probably has a pretty serious porn obsession (it's the only reason I can think of for his weird sexual compulsions and behavior). It's not all a one way street, simply a matter of switching off porn, or him washing up more, or even just taking meds for his depression... there seems to be a lot of built up resentment keeping you from enjoying each other.

IMO, these issues really need to be worked through and you have to find ways to restore some attraction again... definitely try getting him to a counsellor - MC and/or IC, he needs to get out of his funk and earn some respect from himself and you.


----------



## LovesHerMan

Wow, DMM, you have a lot more going on with your husband than just hygiene. How are you able to tolerate his fetish?


----------



## drmmommy

lovesherman said:


> Wow, DMM, you have a lot more going on with your husband than just hygiene. How are you able to tolerate his fetish?


I don't have a choice. If I leave,he says he will go to court and take my son, and they will give him to him since I'm not working. (cause I stay at home with my special needs son). Even if I did get custody, I couldn't afford to live on my own without his financial support,since I can't work because my son requires 24/7 care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drmmommy

Lon said:


> without reading the other thread I would wager he watches more than just TV when you are not around... He probably has a pretty serious porn obsession (it's the only reason I can think of for his weird sexual compulsions and behavior). It's not all a one way street, simply a matter of switching off porn, or him washing up more, or even just taking meds for his depression... there seems to be a lot of built up resentment keeping you from enjoying each other.
> 
> IMO, these issues really need to be worked through and you have to find ways to restore some attraction again... definitely try getting him to a counsellor - MC and/or IC, he needs to get out of his funk and earn some respect from himself and you.


I agree. Unless we're past the point of no return, which is what I'm searching my heart trying to figure out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vi_bride04

It really doesn't sound like YOU are at the point of no return. And I really think the marriage could be saved. But HE is going to need to make some major changes and listen to your concerns with an open mind. It almost as though he doesn't even care what you are saying.

Those are big issues and it will take hard work to get back on track, but I definately think you 2 can pull through as long as true change is made.


----------



## Enchantment

drmmommy said:


> I don't have a choice. If I leave,he says he will go to court and take my son, and they will give him to him since I'm not working. (cause I stay at home with my special needs son). Even if I did get custody, I couldn't afford to live on my own without his financial support,since I can't work because my son requires 24/7 care.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi drmmommy ~

Sorry you are going through this ... it's possible that his desire to remain in soiled underwear could be related in part to his fetish.

And, you do have a choice - especially if it is shown that you yourself have been the primary caregiver to your special needs child, it seems unlikely that you would lose total custody of your son. You should look into free legal counseling in your community if you are leaning in this direction. You should also look into any services that may be available (e.g., respite services or educational services) in your community for children like yours.

Did you know about your husband's fetish before you got married?

The problem with fetishes is that by its very definition it means that the person typically only gains sexual arousal when the fetish is employed. IF you decide that you want to continue indulging your husband in his fetish, THEN you need to get by-in that it cannot be all about him. Your sex life involves BOTH of you and as such it needs to be fulfilling in some manner for both of you. If you can't get traction on this front and want to try and salvage things, then you should see if he will go to MC with you ... and if he won't, consider that it might be beneficial for you to do some IC so you can decide what is the best way to move forward.

Do you have support (family/friends) in your daily life? Does anyone else help you with your son, or can give you a break occasionally?

Best wishes.


----------



## LovesHerMan

I agree with Enchantment. Talk to a lawyer about your options. I don't know how you endure marriage to a person like this. You deserve so much more from life.


----------



## Browncoat

Oh my drmommy... that's a terrible situation. It seems like it just gets worse and worse the more you tell us. 

I agree with Enchantment, and frankly if he wants to fight you his hygiene issues could be used against him... take some photos.

I hate to see folks get divorced though, but something has to change... not even kissing in a year. Something is very very broken.


----------



## drmmommy

I have a wonderful best friend (female), whom my son calls "auntie." she gives me a break whenever I need it, she's what keeps me sane. I guess I just wasn't sure if his behavior was typical. I read about men not showering all the time, or people letting themselves go after marriage, or sex getting boring after marriage, and I thought that was what I was dealing with. I guess other couples still kiss at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear

Your husband isn't likely to get your child because you're a stay at home mom. In fact, because your child would likely be in daycare if he was with your husband, you're more likely to get primary custody. As well, your husband would have to pay child and spousal support.

In my non-expert legal opinion, based on my reading of primarily Canadian laws. Your mileage may vary, so talk to someone who's taken a family law class relevant to your jurisdiction.

Personally, I think your husband is a freak, and you should focus primarily on what's right for your son and yourself. Just my $0.02 worth.

My next thought... How long has your husband had his fetish issues, compared to the age of your son and his diagnosis?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drmmommy

PBear said:


> Your husband isn't likely to get your child because you're a stay at home mom. In fact, because your child would likely be in daycare if he was with your husband, you're more likely to get primary custody. As well, your husband would have to pay child and spousal support.
> 
> In my non-expert legal opinion, based on my reading of primarily Canadian laws. Your mileage may vary, so talk to someone who's taken a family law class relevant to your jurisdiction.
> 
> Personally, I think your husband is a freak, and you should focus primarily on what's right for your son and yourself. Just my $0.02 worth.
> 
> My next thought... How long has your husband had his fetish issues, compared to the age of your son and his diagnosis?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's been into the diapers since about 2001, we met in 2003, got married in 2008, our son was born in 2009, and received his autism diagnosis in 2011, 8 months ago. Thanks for your help with the custody issue, it's very reassuring. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drmmommy

lovesherman said:


> Wow, DMM, you have a lot more going on with your husband than just hygiene. How are you able to tolerate his fetish?


The fetish isn't really the biggest problem. It's the personal hygiene, craptastic sex that we used to have, and current lack of physical contact or any form of intimacy. I take an antidepressant, an anti anxiety med, and a benzodiazepine just to make it through the day. I promised, for better or for worse, and I'd really like to keep that promise if I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Browncoat

Perhaps threaten to separate if he doesn't come with you to therapy and clean up his act (sorry for the pun). Though I joke a little with the pun, I am very serious. He needs to feel some real desire to change because frankly the things you mention aren't good for either of you (nor for your child).


----------



## drmmommy

Update for today: he took a shower this morning, brushed his teeth, and put on clean underwear! I think he actually listened to my request for better hygiene and he's giving it a try! (he never used to shower or wear clean underwear on Thursday's) this gives me hope that our relationship can still be fixed. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Browncoat

YAY! So happy for you, hopefully he'll keep it up, just keep on loving him back as I'm sure he's likely grumbling a bit inside based on what you mentioned yesterday (carrot and stick as someone well labelled it).


----------



## profos

Wow when the highlight of your week is your husband taking a shower and changing his underwear there's a lot of work to do.


----------

