# Old problems in new marriage



## TroubledSaint (Jan 14, 2010)

Hi everyone, I have been married since July 2008 and been with my wife for over 12 years. She is was first partner, and I was her first one also. 

Sadly, over the years, I feel her respect for me has melted away. Because of my upbringing I suffer from anxiety problems, and have also managed to overcome PTSD due to a near death experience in the last few years (But with no help from my Wife who thinks I was overreacting, even though she nearly died as well) I also make a lesser wage than her, and she has a "proper" job, whereas I just work for my Mother.

I have tried to make her happy over the last few years. Even moving out and trying to distance her from problems between her and my Mother (they just don't get on) hasn't helped. I have also changed my appearance for her, but to no avail (Even having laser eye surgery) On the flipside, she doesn't bother putting makeup on anymore and looks a mess, to be honest. I have even asked her to wear some, and that she looks pretty and she says it doesn't suit her. 

She has broken my spirit and just taken over my whole life. I just don't have any "fight" left in me anymore. She bosses me around all the time, and I'm even scared to move anything in our house incase she goes off on one. If I snap at her and start shouting, she turns things around and blames me. 

We even had an argument this morning as I dared to have a laugh and a joke with her about her family - something that she is very defensive about (Her family control our lives completely)

She doesn't even understand my jokes most of the time as I have a "dry" sense of humor - this causes even more arguments. I then get very quiet and it takes me ages to calm down. 

I love having a laugh with her, but she is a very guarded person, who finds it hard to be herself. 

I also find it hard to let things go, whereas my Wife can be back to normal after a row in five minutes. To me this shows she just doesn't care. I just don't know how to get a foothold in the relationship. If I'm quiet after a row she tells me off for sulking and if I shout at her she tells me I'm mental. What can I do? I've lost the will to live............... 

Many thanks in advance


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I'm sorry your wife doesn't show you respect. I've had that problem in my marriage myself, although I didn't realize it.

The part of your post that hit home to me is the part about her being able to argue with you and just go back to normal while you still think about it. Me and my husband are the same way. Our perspectives about the "arguement" are different. I just think we're having a debate or I'm expressing my opinion that is different from his while he thinks I'm angry with him and is defensive. I'm actually not. 

I think in order to get more respect from your wife you have to change your behaviors. Your attitude seems very downtrodden and that may come off as weak to her even though she's the one who is breaking your spirit. I think you should just get a life. Go out with friends. Get some new clothes and a new haircut. Feel better about yourself and work on yourself first. She will notice.


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## TroubledSaint (Jan 14, 2010)

themrs said:


> I'm sorry your wife doesn't show you respect. I've had that problem in my marriage myself, although I didn't realize it.
> 
> The part of your post that hit home to me is the part about her being able to argue with you and just go back to normal while you still think about it. Me and my husband are the same way. Our perspectives about the "arguement" are different. I just think we're having a debate or I'm expressing my opinion that is different from his while he thinks I'm angry with him and is defensive. I'm actually not.
> 
> I think in order to get more respect from your wife you have to change your behaviors. Your attitude seems very downtrodden and that may come off as weak to her even though she's the one who is breaking your spirit.* I think you should just get a life. Go out with friends. Get some new clothes and a new haircut.* Feel better about yourself and work on yourself first. She will notice.


Thanks for you help, BTW : )

I have already done some of this (Changed my clothes etc) But how do I get her to take more interest in what she looks like? Why should I put all the effort into our relationship and get nothing back? 

I have even tried to be more intimate with her, but she just pushes me away. Maybe I should play "hard to get" a bit more often? Maybe I'm too accessible?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

TroubledSaint said:


> Thanks for you help, BTW : )
> 
> I have already done some of this (Changed my clothes etc) But how do I get her to take more interest in what she looks like? Why should I put all the effort into our relationship and get nothing back?
> 
> I have even tried to be more intimate with her, but she just pushes me away. Maybe I should play "hard to get" a bit more often? Maybe I'm too accessible?


I think you have the right idea. Be more like the man she dated and maybe she will be more like the woman you fell in love with.

I think you can ask her out on a date and take her to a fancy place where she's forced to dress up and put on makeup or she'll be out of place. Does she own any makeup? If you know what shade/brand she uses, make her a gift basket or give her a gift card to that place. I didn't wear makeup for a while, but it was because the makeup I use is expensive and I didn't think we could afford it. There may be another reason why your wife has stopped wearing it besides she just doesn't care. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

My husband likes to see my toe nails painted and my eyebrows waxed. Sometimes, I just don't make time to pamper myself. So I told him if that's what he wants, just give me the money to get it done professionally! He has accepted the challenge and has provided me with a little makeup/hair/mani pedi budget. It's nice and we both get what we want.


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## TroubledSaint (Jan 14, 2010)

themrs said:


> I think you have the right idea. Be more like the man she dated and maybe she will be more like the woman you fell in love with.
> 
> I think you can ask her out on a date and take her to a fancy place where she's forced to dress up and put on makeup or she'll be out of place. *Does she own any makeup?* If you know what shade/brand she uses, make her a gift basket or give her a gift card to that place. I didn't wear makeup for a while, but it was because the makeup I use is expensive and I didn't think we could afford it. There may be another reason why your wife has stopped wearing it besides she just doesn't care. Give her the benefit of the doubt.
> 
> My husband likes to see my toe nails painted and my eyebrows waxed. Sometimes, I just don't make time to pamper myself. So I told him if that's what he wants, just give me the money to get it done professionally! He has accepted the challenge and has provided me with a little makeup/hair/mani pedi budget. It's nice and we both get what we want.


She does own a lot of makeup, but doesn't have to wear it for her job, so it just sits there. When we go out she does sort of bother, but not totally. (I often ask her to wear lipstick, but she says she hates her lips so she refuses - even though I say I like her lips.........)


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

TroubledSaint said:


> She does own a lot of makeup, but doesn't have to wear it for her job, so it just sits there. When we go out she does sort of bother, but not totally. (I often ask her to wear lipstick, but she says she hates her lips so she refuses - even though I say I like her lips.........)


What is your ideal? What do you want her to do? Do you want her to make her face up every day? 

I'm just trying to understand exactly what you want from her.


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## TroubledSaint (Jan 14, 2010)

themrs said:


> What is your ideal? What do you want her to do? Do you want her to make her face up every day?
> 
> I'm just trying to understand exactly what you want from her.


All I want, is for her to take some pride in herself. I try to, so why shouldn't she? Is that too much to ask for? I'm lucky if she puts any makeup on once a month.............


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

TroubledSaint said:


> All I want, is for her to take some pride in herself. I try to, so why shouldn't she? Is that too much to ask for? I'm lucky if she puts any makeup on once a month.............


But maybe she does have pride and doesn't view wearing makeup as a reflection of having pride in herself.

Does she shower often? Does she wear clean clothes? Does she do anything at all to maintain her appearance?


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## TroubledSaint (Jan 14, 2010)

themrs said:


> But maybe she does have pride and doesn't view wearing makeup as a reflection of having pride in herself.
> 
> *Does she shower often? Does she wear clean clothes?* Does she do anything at all to maintain her appearance?


Of course she does these things. But who doesn't? If she didn't wear clean clothes or wash, I'd be worried.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

TroubledSaint said:


> Of course she does these things. But who doesn't? If she didn't wear clean clothes or wash, I'd be worried.


People who don't take pride in themselves don't do these things. You may just have a different standard for your wife than she has for herself. 

I have pride in myself, but I don't put on makeup everyday. The difference is my husband likes the way I look without it so when I do wear it it's a bonus.

I still think you should just focus on being a better person yourself and not on changing her. You are the only person you can control.


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