# loss of self-esteem and H to take me serious



## LVF (May 5, 2013)

I'm young, fit and take very good care of myself. Everywhere we go, people make nice comments on my appearance and my H (almost 3 years together) jokes on how lucky he is. He says the same to me in private. However, his actions don't reflect what he says. Intimacy, not just sex, is in dramatic low levels and I think it just entered a new stage: I'm losing some of my self-esteem. I feel less pretty, less attractive but not sure why.

I tried to talk with my H about his LD and our lack of intimacy several times but he either changes topic or forgets about it after 10 mins, after showing some concern in the beginning. When I said we were becoming room mates and not a couple anymore, he laughed "You are so funny! Room mates, that was a funny one! Lets go for a coffee?" 
He denies there's any problem, saying he's just stressed and that I'm obsessed. He was complete a "bite and switch". It's been like this for the last 2 years, but I've been insisting more lately as I get tired.


Have you experienced loss of self-esteem due to your LD partner? How did you deal with that? And how do I make my H take me serious? I run out of ideas already. Talking seems not to work with him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So your husband's sex drive has been slowing down considerably and you have tried talking to him about it but he blows you off, changes the subject, and still his sex drive slows further.

Of course this is affecting your self esteem. just as it affects every man who comes to this forum with the same issue with their wife.

You're going to have to keep bringing the subject up with him until you gain a better understanding, and he understands how it affects you. No one wants to feel rejected, man or woman.

Has he had a complete doctors check lately, including his testosterone levels. If he withdrawing in other areas too?


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Your husband sounds like mine in ways. He considers his needs very important but when it comes to my romantic ones he ignores them. What to do about it, I don't know. You can't force it out of them. Get tired of just jumping into sex because he has been looking at porn. 

In my H opinion him just being here should be good enough. I hope he means that because I'm losing interest in sex because of it. His lack of attention has effected my self esteem but he has said things to help that along too. Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thebes said:


> Your husband sounds like mine. He considers his needs very important but when it comes to my romantic ones he ignores them. What to do about it, I don't know. You can't force it out of them. Get tired of just jumping into sex because he has been looking at porn.
> 
> In my H opinion him just being here should be good enough. I hope he means that because I'm losing interest in sex because of it. His lack of attention has effected my self esteem but he has said things to help that along too. Good luck.


Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and print out two copies of emotional needs questionnaire. then talk it out with your husband.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If you're still reasonably fit and attractive, then don't let his disinterest destroy your self esteem, because your looks aren't the problem.

At the risk of generalizing, most spouses manage to remain physically attracted to their mates over decades of inevitable changes that make them less objectively physically attractive. Unless you've gained substantial weight, been horribly disfigured in an accident, or foregone personal hygiene, then something else or many interrelated things are driving his disinterest. 

There might be cause for worry here, who knows, but I think you're likely focusing in the wrong problem.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

Anon Pink, mine doesn't even look at porn! Nothing. At the most he makes some primitive sexual joke while we watch a movie, we both laugh and that's all. He can sit besides me all day on the computer(we can work from home most of the time) and I see what he's checking online.
He doesn't take action to anything emotionally. If I try to initiate sex, he will either give me some inquisitorial look or comply just to keep me quiet and then say he was not feeling very sensitive/doesn't O as strongly because we do it to often  His often is like 7 days ago, but he says "no, we just did it 2 or 3 days ago, it wasn't 7". He keeps denying stuff like that, like if I'm an idiot. It pisses me off.


And even if he has low T, it doesn't prevent him from admitting it, from talking to me, from paying attention, instead of pretending he's alone most of the day. Why can't a man with low T show some affection and intimacy? He says it's just his personality...then why would he get married, I asked. And how come he's interested in me if he doesn't approach me all that much? He says I'm pretty and he likes to stare at me and grab my butt every now and then. Big deal... -_-

He didn't withdraw form the rest, everything is fine outside sex. He just completely changed after marriage. I suspect he was looking for a maid, not a wife.

,


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

At the risk of asking a non-welcome question, have you ruled out any possibility of an EA? or, is he somehow reciprocating for some perceived slight he may have received from you (or another partner prior) years ago?

Failing this, how about a healthy dose of passive-aggresive-ignore-the-scum for a month and see how that turns out?

How is his social life otherwise? friends, coworkers, golf buddies, Facebook, the works. Is he socially active or is he a hermit? Job stress? 

Do you have any common friends that you could 'fish' for info (subtly of course). If he's acting like Ned Flanders in the Simpsons for everyone it would be quite different than if he did for you only.

Is he in a line of work that requires interaction with others? how does he interact with others? 

Careful observation is your friend, at least for a while. And while you're doing this, probably follow a steady state of not being too demanding - the key is to observe him in his comfort zone.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

So your hubby is LD and its really starting to get to you and your self esteem. Welcome to the club sister. I've been married for 13+ years with my LD wifee.....

The only way his test levels might be lowering, is if he's older, like 40+ years old and definitely not in his teens or 20's.

LD on his part, if he's young, could be from secret porn viewing and relieving himself. He won't just announce, I view porn. He could be sexting someone, EA as well.

You have no kids? You're both young? You're sexy and fit? He should be all over you all the time. Something is up.

If the sex was fine before you got married and now its not, he baited and switched you. Not cool on his part.

Try this. No sex or flirting, nothing for 1 full month and see how he reacts. If he wants sex and makes the effort after noticing you aren't, he' cool but if still nothing, EA, PA or secret porn addiction or something else.

Myself, when I went off my natural test booster, my energy levels and desire to weight train and sex drive dropped a lot, but I'm turning 40 soon. In my teens and early to mid 20's I was a walking hormone.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

> At the risk of asking a non-welcome question, have you ruled out any possibility of an EA? or, is he somehow reciprocating for some perceived slight he may have received from you (or another partner prior) years ago?


I ruled out affairs, I really don't think that's the issue. Also, we spend most of the days sitting next to each other as we can often work from home. But that's it, we sit and it's as if we are alone. It's common to spend the whole day withOUT a single kiss, not even for "good night". 



> Failing this, how about a healthy dose of passive-aggresive-ignore-the-scum for a month and see how that turns out?


I already tried to ignore him because if I approach him he either says he's not in the mood or he will have sex just to say it was ok but he would rather not have it "so often". He will approach me 2-3 month and then "be enthusiastic" (as he says) for about 5 mins. If I want to prolong it a bit, he gets impatient, loses erection during long foreplays and says he doesn't like to try new things in bad because "we" already know what feels good. And that's it... 
Oh, and bj that makes him come before intercourse? Then I better keep entertaining myself for another 7-10 days until he wakes up again.




> Do you have any common friends that you could 'fish' for info (subtly of course). If he's acting like Ned Flanders in the Simpsons for everyone it would be quite different than if he did for you only.
> 
> Is he in a line of work that requires interaction with others? how does he interact with others?


We move from country to country a few times a year. Friends all not always around. And we doesn't share such close friends. But he acts like this with everyone, nor just with me. His family has also complained that he makes the same to them. He never has to to call them, for example. He says they will call anyways and that's how things are organized, so he doesn't have to be bothered stopping what he's doing to call anyone.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

> The only way his test levels might be lowering, is if he's older, like 40+ years old and definitely not in his teens or 20's.


He's in his early 30's. I'm terrified just to imagine how is it going to be his 50's, while I will still be around 40. 



> You have no kids? You're both young? You're sexy and fit? He should be all over you all the time. Something is up.


Yup, no kids. When we started dating I asked if he would like to have kids and if he felt emotionally prepared. Answer "Of course, I just turned 30, I want that.". Guess what happened after marriage? He freaks out just to see kids around... And his family, friends, neighbors, etc. tease him that he has no kids yet, and he gets very grumpy. He insists he would like to have kids, but not now, and that he freaks out a bit with small babies. Maybe it's just another trap, he doesn't feel like being father but won't admit that so that he doesn't disappoint me. And years will pass and I will find out only later...




He says he loves me and that he would do anything for me. He also is making an effort to learn my native language (although I always said he didn't have to), he loves to go to my native country and even dreams about moving there one day. I think he wanted to move away from me he wouldn't want such things. 

BUT, when we were dating he said something that caught my attention. *He said "I hope I never have to look for a girlfriend again, it is all very stressful". *He has been married before and divorced because she was not very attractive and he didn't enjoy sex with her, and sex was important for him. He said he married because she was a good woman and he wanted to sort out his personal life so that he could focus on his career! 
He has admitted that he doesn't look for sex as often as before because it's not something new anymore and there's not as much enthusiasm. But he says he loves me and would do anything for me, that he wants to take care of me and what matters for him is that he's comfortable with me.
I could understand, and I admit we are not each others eternal soul-mates because he could be happy with someone as well as long as she cooks and doesn't bug him much. I start to think he just wants to have someone that doesn't involve much effort but is still attractive for him "to stare at" so that he can focus on his work. Maybe if he knew he would find someone else like this in 6 months he wouldn't be so anxious if I leave him now. But he would never admit it, "Oh c'mon, don't be silly. Get ready, lets go for a run outside!", that's it.




> How is his social life otherwise? friends, coworkers, golf buddies, Facebook, the works. Is he socially active or is he a hermit? Job stress?


And yes, he claims to be stressed about work but last year he just got his best job ever, he's doing better than ever and doesn't have any difficult project at the moment. Things like having to sort of utilities issue, go to the post office or having to give a call to some travel agency makes him stressed!!! And he also spends a lot of time in social networks, but I have access to all of it and see what he's doing because he sits by my side. Mostly, stupid debates with nerds, where he can take a couple of hours to typing his answer... and this also stresses him out! ah! A year ago I even fall asleep when we were supposed to go have sex, while waiting for him to finish some reply... Same in our 1st night as married, he felt tired and didn't want to, but then he made an effort for a few mins just to run to his work afterward. 

When I confront him with all this, he have different explanations. Either he admits he exaggerated about the importance of sex (thank you very much!), or the stress is all in his head, or he's stress because he wants to take care of me, or I'm being paranoid...

I'm losing my passion with all this. I endured for 3 years very, very passionate. I couldn't change it. It feel like I can't make him happy, can't make him less pessimistic, less stressed, can't help him and can't change him.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and print out two copies of emotional needs questionnaire. then talk it out with your husband.


:iagree:


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