# Poll: wife cheated. Want to know if she had sex with the other man.



## :/ me (Jul 28, 2017)

Here's my story of a cheating wife.

She cheated on me in the 5th year of marriage. 

I helped my wife immigrate here and she cheated on me with the cook/dishwasher that rides a bike to work.

I looked through her phone records and saw a single number that was being used over a 10 month period.

When I caught her she denied it and said it was a friend. Then she said it was a female friend. Then I called the number and it was a guy. 

She eventually admitted to and said there was no sex involved. 

This was 10 years ago and we have two young children. I will never forgiver her. I'm just trying to move on.

Here's my question. 

She said there was no sex. But here is what information I got.

1. She left really early for work several times with an extra set of cloths.

2. She always came home late and took a shower when she came home and she never did that before. I asked why she took so long because she had to buy me dinner she said there was a lot things to finish at work. Which sound reasonable at the time.

3. She said they went to a motel but never went in. She said she only went one time.

4. She brought home a basket with wine and two wine glass and said it was from her co-worker who made gift baskets.

5. There was bruising on her both of her knees and she said she got them from the chairs at work from moving them around and she knocked them against her knees by accident. And I have never seen them before. She's was an assistant manager at a restaurant at the time.

6. Several different times I got some canker sores and could not understand how I got them. I ate healthy and was home most of time studying for the bar exam to become a lawyer. Basically a hermit for several long months. I wasn't working at the time and was busy studying and stressing over the exam. 

7. She lost a lot of weight during this 10 months. Thinner then her normal self.

8. She never denies me sex but on several occasions when she came home from work she said how about tomorrow she was tired. Which I thought was odd as she never denied me or post phoned sex with me.

9. She would go to the park with cook on her breaks. And I called her cell phone and work. She would pick up cell phone sometimes but some times she said she didn't hear it. And when I called her work her co-workers said she was there. 

10. One day she left her wedding ring on the bathroom sink.

11. She said she went to the mall and I called her but she didn't pick up up cell phone. She said it was in her purse and she couldn't here it.

12. She said she felt his penis from the outside trouser when he force her hand on his penis.

13. She said she went to 24 hour fitness with him one time but she never told until I caught her cheating.


Mind you when we first met she said she had a boy friend in bad relationship and she was gong to break up with him. So on the first night we went out we had sex. 

Please don't give the story about what goes around comes around. We never argued in our relationship. 


We only had one car so I was stranded at home. I let her drive my car to and from work. 

All I want to know from you folks is the likelihood of her having sex and she saying she did not. And your thoughts.

With all these circumstantial facts am I stupid and naive enough to believe her.

Im interested both men and women's reply please state if your a man or a women. 

From what I read women cheat not because of sex. And men cheat because of sex.

As a lawyer with all these circumstantial evidence in statements from her I should come to a legal conclusion that she did have sex. But the other side of me is the cultural difference and she maybe explaining it to me in her cultural ways and it's truthful. 

Am I just lying to Myself?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I said other. I don't know, no one but her and him know. (Ps- canker sores come with stress. Nothing at all to do with sex) 

It's been 10 years. You can't forgive her or move past it. It's time to leave and move on IMO. 

It doesn't matter if she did or didn't. If you can't drop it and look only forward then it needs to end. (and many can't, it's a perfectly acceptable and reasonable response) 

You can't live in this stuck stage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The evidence does not look good, she sounds loose (had sex with you on first day though she was in a relationship). She has very poor boundaries.
Is there a big age gap between you?

I hope you did not provide her with a residency or green card?
What culture is she from and you from.

If this is still gnawing at you, then it might be time to consider moving on. What about a lie detector test? It could solve your problem. If you have some much uncertainty and resentment for so long, your marriage cannot have been good?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yes.

Duh.

DNA the kids.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm leaning towards ''yes.'' Sorry you're here.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

:/ me said:


> She said there was no sex. But here is what information I got.
> 
> 1. She left really early for work several times with an extra set of cloths.
> 
> ...


1 - Rare reason for this... unless he clothes get dirty.
2 - Yep... you know how stinky we all get with sex. - She actually bring you dinner? Okay, 5~10 minutes extra - not an hour or so.
3 - I call bullcrap with the motel. This is typical gas-lighting.

"I kissed him, but only a quickie - no french kissing" (ask again)
"Okay we kissed more than once, but I didn't touch his penis" (ask again)
"Okay, I touched his penis, but I didn't suck it" (ask again)
"Okay - I did give him a blowjob - but it sucked, so I only did it for a few seconds" (ask again)
"well - I gave him blow jobs every day - but I didn't let him stick it in my vag" (ask again)....

Get the point? You banged your wife on your first date (that isn't a big deal - about 25+% of people who get married - did it on their first date) - so you really think she didn't have sex with him?



> 4. She brought home a basket with wine and two wine glass and said it was from her co-worker who made gift baskets.
> 
> 5. There was bruising on her both of her knees and she said she got them from the chairs at work from moving them around and she knocked them against her knees by accident. And I have never seen them before. She's was an assistant manager at a restaurant at the time.
> 
> 6. Several different times I got some canker sores and could not understand how I got them. I ate healthy and was home most of time studying for the bar exam to become a lawyer. Basically a hermit for several long months. I wasn't working at the time and was busy studying and stressing over the exam.


4 - okay, anyone else get one?
5 - Not likely... who brought it up? I think people use hands to move chairs - not knees, and not hard enough to bruise them.
6 - Canker sores are not STD related. 



> 7. She lost a lot of weight during this 10 months. Thinner then her normal self.
> 
> 8. She never denies me sex but on several occasions when she came home from work she said how about tomorrow she was tired. Which I thought was odd as she never denied me or post phoned sex with me.
> 
> 9. She would go to the park with cook on her breaks. And I called her cell phone and work. She would pick up cell phone sometimes but some times she said she didn't hear it. And when I called her work her co-workers said she was there.


7 - was she fat to begin with? That is inconclusive. Could be.
8 - Happens - even I'm sometimes tired to have sex... and I don't demand my wife to take care of my sexual needs when she gets off work.
9 - RED FLAG with sex at the park with the cook. SOmetimes I can't hear my phone either and it's in my pocket. Still, at park doing park-sex (happens) too busy for phone. When you called her at work on the land line - didn't you say "I want to talk to her NOW, or within 5 mins"? My guess you KNEW something was off... and she would call you back in 30~60 minutes. That means her co-workers have covered for her. Maybe they are having sex with her or the OM (other man) too?



> 10. One day she left her wedding ring on the bathroom sink.
> 11. She said she went to the mall and I called her but she didn't pick up up cell phone. She said it was in her purse and she couldn't here it.
> 12. She said she felt his penis from the outside trouser when he force her hand on his penis.
> 13. She said she went to 24 hour fitness with him one time but she never told until I caught her cheating.


10 - Not a big deal. I've done it myself or left in my car because of work-related reasons. The ring doesn't keep someone from cheating on their spouse.
11 - Happens. Did you wait 5~10 minutes and try again? Inconclusive.
12 - She didn't file sexual harassment charges? The "force" sounds like complete bullcrap.
13 - Why go to the gym? Never brought it up? Gym is also a cover for sex for some people. They have showers there you know. I'm a member too.



> All I want to know from you folks is the likelihood of her having sex and she saying she did not. And your thoughts.
> 
> With all these circumstantial facts am I stupid and naive enough to believe her.
> From what I read women cheat not because of sex. And men cheat because of sex.
> ...


You were busy being a bookworm... you trust what she told you... but you know things are NOT right. Her culture or country makes no difference - cheating is cheating and how they go about it is the same. Not stupid, you've been lied too and confused by those lies (gas-lighting). 85% of affairs is from the place of work. You saw the info your self... 10 months of phone contact that she said was a "female friend". With my friends or my wife's friends - we don't have that kind of traffic. Only cheaters will have heavy text/phone traffic.

You are kind of correct about sex for love, etc. Men want PA , women want EA - but EA leads to PA and PA leads to EA. The end result is the same, they are cheating on the marriage.

Again, what cultural differences involve spending time with someone from work and lying about it.

You found about this place too late / not sure if it was around in 2007. Overall - you either need to get over it with IC and MC or dump her...
What do you want?

If she has been faithful for 10 years since then, maybe its something worth saving. Which means... you need the whole truth. You should know her well enough when she is lying sometimes.
So, are you willing to divorce her?
Are you willing to stay if she tells you truth about her sex with coworker(s).
DNA the kids.

Let her know that the affair is eating at you... that unless she comes clean on everything - you will D her. Are you in an alimony state or country?
"If you tell me the truth, the whole truth - and want to remain in this marriage - then we'll also go to marriage counseling" 

This won't be easy... sorry.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with Gus. 
Do a paternity test on your kids, secretly.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

The fact that she said that it was a female friend when it wasn't pretty well pushes "yes it was a PA" over the finish line. I would say that the odds are 99.9999% in favor of them having sex. I would also wager that this wasn't the last time that she cheated on you. You need to have a her take a polygraph. She is a liar so you will never know just by relying on her word. Sorry

And yes, definitely get a paternity test done.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

It's a little late for this inquiry. Let it go or let her go.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

She is doing it or done it, no question..every time my wife lost weight she was cheating, every time, without fail, she is now putting down some winter fat as she is with her new man, amazing.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

:/ me said:


> There was bruising on her both of her knees and she said she got them from the chairs at work from moving them around and she knocked them against her knees by accident.


Where the bruises at the same spot on both knees (i.e. mirror images)? Hitting yourself moving chairs around would bruise just one knee or different spots on each knee. Bruises at exactly the spot on each knee is best explained by being on your knees.



:/ me said:


> Mind you when we first met she said she had a boy friend in bad relationship and she was gong to break up with him. So on the first night we went out we had sex.


With all the circumstantial evidence I would lean towards yes. What would give me pause is if your wife had excellent boundaries. It seems like sex isn’t a big deal to your wife. She services you whenever you want. With all those opportunities why wouldn’t she service the other guy if for no other reason than to make him feel better and to keep the attention coming. 

As others have said DNA your kids. You can buy a kit at about any drug store or Amazon. You swab the inside of your cheek and the kids and send the kit off to a lab.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep they had sex. Lies and denial but you accepted.

You don't want to believe it like most so you are where you are.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

:/ me said:


> Here's my story of a cheating wife.
> 
> She cheated on me in the 5th year of marriage.
> 
> ...


*So you want to know if she had sex with that bicycle peddling wonder? 

Tell you what! I'll sell you the Washington Monument for fifty cents if she didn't!*


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I'll give you $5 for it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TaDor said:


> I'll give you $5 for it.


*Hell, T-Man! that's what I paid for it!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@:/ me legally speaking, her cheating back then does not matter and cannot be used as grounds for divorce because, according to the laws of most countries, staying with a spouse who cheated and having children with them will be taken as you forgiving them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> @:/ me legally speaking, her cheating back then does not matter and cannot be used as grounds for divorce because, * according to the laws of most countries, staying with a spouse who cheated and having children with them will be taken as you forgiving them.*


*Sounds legally plausible to me!*


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has she stopped all contact with the cook? how do you know? this may not be her only rodeo.

Has she written a timeline and taken a polygraph on the timeline?

Did you have her checked for stds? Did she sign a post nup?

File for D and tell her she can try to win you back after the D. Then start your NC.


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## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

TaDor said:


> 1 - Rare reason for this... unless he clothes get dirty.
> 2 - Yep... you know how stinky we all get with sex. - She actually bring you dinner? Okay, 5~10 minutes extra - not an hour or so.
> 3 - I call bullcrap with the motel. This is typical gas-lighting.
> 
> ...


Oh my god. I saw your reference to gas-lighting, a term I'd never heard before, though I had a fairly good idea of what it is from the context of what you were saying. I had to google it - and yes, that is EXACTLY what my wife does to me to make covering her lies more effective.

Thank you.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Cheaters will tell you what you want to hear. to minimize the fallout. Why risk cheating if not for sex? What your wife said is number one on the list of things to say when you get caught.


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## :/ me (Jul 28, 2017)

Thank you all for the responses.

Wife is Japanese. 

Where are bruises generally for women after sex? Either doggy style or riding cowboy.

Is the bruising on the knee cap or blow the knee cap.


Some pictures would be helpful please. I've search and was unable to find any.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Now look up the terms DARVO, blame shifting and minimizing. Especially DARVO. 

Understand adultery is a separate issue then legit issues with in the marriage. The marriage issues at some point need to be resolved for a heathy marriage to occur after a decision is made to reconcile. But the choice tp commit adultery is her's alone to address. In the states a lawyer is not allow to knowing allow his client to commit perjury or allow a pro defense witness to commit perjury. The lawyer is first and foremost an officer of the court and sworn not to allow it. If proven the lawyer will be disbarred regardless of the reason. Some states will allow the lawyer to re-apply after suspensions and then with close supervision. In short there is no excuse for a lawyer to allow perjury, just as there is no excuse for adultery. Adultery, unless it was rape, has no excuse. 

Understand due to CSA, FOO issue and cultural may exist before a marriage occurs and those issues created a toxic marriage but often the issues are caused by poor communication and the up and downs of life. Either or she must address them first and create a safe enviorment for you. Then address the issues. 

If you are in the states no reason need be given for filing a divorce, but often require a lengthy cooling off period unless abuse or adultery can be proven in which case it can be expedited. If you have children understand woman enjoy a built in advantage when it comes to adultery. It is assumed the husband has focused on work and will continue to do so after divorce. It is assume the woman has already adjust her life to primary focus on child care, this includes woman who work full time. You need to shift that dynamic NOW even before filing. You need to prove to the court, with written proof, you have shift your work load and built in time to allow for emergencies. 

Remember to create a heathy marriage you must be able to demonstrate that you are willing to lose an unhealthy one by both words and deeds. Do not ever mention divorce until you have the paper work ready to be filed the next day.

Finally you need to understand her reality, including her cultural norms and work within it to succeed. Hidden individual expectations never shared or even realized by both parties are a death sentence. There is a reason why there is little difference between the devoice rate between those couples who have lived together and those who have not are so similar. Hidden expectations.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

:/ me : The bruises on her knees are the weakest proof of anything sexual and it was over 10 years ago. So unless you have pictures or she admits it from doing doggy style in a closet - drop it, you are wasting your time.

Are you American and living in America?

Japanese *DO* look at infidelity in an odd way. I mean, cheating *IS STILL* cheating. It is more expected that men do it and get away with it and women will do what they want to do. If you have any understanding of Japanese culture - then you should already know this. They do tend to see sex as just sex. Hard to pin-point it since I am not Japanese and I'm rusty on their culture.

So for the OP and others here, I am posting a few links about Japanese infidelity. 

https://japantoday.com/category/fea...t-japanese-men-and-women-think-about-cheating

https://forum.gaijinpot.com/forum/l...onships/50085-japanese-and-cheating-explained

Some aspects of Japanese cheating is the same as Westerners (aka "Barbarians") with sex / emotional ties. I have had some Asian relationships in my past... the sex/cheating is more common/public in a different way.

So, with that in mind... OP, you need to decide how you want to heal. With or without your Japanese wife. As you see by the votes - the vast majority says yes.
Hell, I'd say its 110% chance she had sex. I'd say it's 95% chance she had sex with two or more other men you don't know about. Young, horny, availability. 

Other than this PAST issue, how is she today? How is the rest of the marriage?

PS: Because it was so long ago - I doubt she will admit anything more. think about her Japanese personality... it meant little to her. Just side-sex.

If you are in Japan, you are stuck in the marriage unless you want to get screwed badly by the court. Hence, it's common for both husband and wife to cheat.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Anthony Wellers said:


> Oh my god. I saw your reference to gas-lighting, a term I'd never heard before, though I had a fairly good idea of what it is from the context of what you were saying. I had to google it - and yes, that is EXACTLY what my wife does to me to make covering her lies more effective.


It comes with the territory. 

Read the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass.

When a woman cheats - the effects on their brains (more so than men) is always the same. You have to become a constantly daily LIAR to your spouse, that you say "I love you" - while screwing them in the ass behind their back. When pieces off their affair is showing (holes in their time / story / whatever) then they have to quickly explain themselves. They tell you want you NEED or WANT to hear. YOU don't want to hear her saying "I cheated" and she doesn't want to say "I cheated".

I saw a text on my wife phone which SEEMED to say they had sex, but it wasn't conclusive. Her response "it was a joke". When I called the OM on her phone, she quickly covered for him "joke" and he responded the same. My brain wasn't working right... I KNEW what I saw was BS. I knew what they were saying was BS! But it was not 100% provable. So I ate the lie, the gaslight. I'm supposed to trust her. Later, after reconciliation started - she admitted that the text was the reference to sex they had. That is healing because of its truth.

If you are going through this now - start your own thread, or maybe you already did. All cheaters follow the same course of actions - depending on the type of cheating.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I hit NO on your poll by mistake and didn't want to mistakenly give you that shred of False hope.Sorry, but it sounds to me like your wife has been in an Ea and PA with her cook "friend". You'd be wise to take a fast ,hard stand, and as mentioned earlier DNA test the kids.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I don't think I have ever bruised a woman during sex. Am I doing something wrong?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

TX-SC said:


> I don't think I have ever bruised a woman during sex. Am I doing something wrong?


It's normal to not bruise your partner during sex. That doesn't mean you're not doing it wrong, though. >


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Totally absolutely they had sex, they always like and say it was just a kiss, I got that too. Rule is if they were physically together there was sex, period. I never seen it not happen. It's your call

Sent from my BTV-W09 using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

:/ me said:


> I helped my wife immigrate here and she cheated on me with the cook/dishwasher that rides a bike to work.


Clearly, she has no respect for you. She just wanted to get railed by a dirt bag.



:/ me said:


> Am I just lying to Myself?


About this guy banging her? Obviously, you're delusional.

The bigger question is: Does it honestly even matter if she did?

She's STILL a POS cheater either way and she doesn't respect you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

99.9999% sure they had sex.

But the bigger question is "Now What?". Have you had a good marriage? Does she seem happy?

And the big question is why are you bringing this up now? What has happened or changed to cause you to come here and post the question?

You can't unring the bell, and she sure can't either. I think you need to seriously consider what you would do with more information. While we are a biased group, I think we are also a pretty astute group in this field. Overwhelmingly the reaction here is she cheated. Consider that our opinions are based on what you presented, which likely is heavily influenced by what you believe in your heart is true, which means you have come to the conclusion already she had a PA. You presented the case so as to get confirmation of what you believe already. 

So you have confirmation your reading of the tea leaves is how others read them.

You could have her do a polygraph. Asking her to do it has risks of damaging your marriage. If it is a good marriage now, maybe it isn't worth that risk. I would want to know, and you are upset by your suspicions, so the marriage may be rocky enough that it is worth the risk. That's another longer discussion. Absent a polygraph there is 0.00% chance of you ever getting the truth of a PA.

If she fails the polygraph, what then? You need to really think about that. Would you divorce her? Would you attempt R? What does the CSI lab proof of a PA do for you that you don't already have now?

One option is for you to assume she had a PA, don't bring it up with her, and just move forward in the marriage. If all else is acceptable in the marriage, maybe this is your path. Imperfect, yes. Having strong trust in her in the future would be very difficult. Many people do this because while they have strong suspicions based on circumstantial evidence, they don't have proof and they do have kids. I don't endorse this path, but many people do choose it.

Or are you unhappy and looking for something to hook onto as a legitimate reason to D her?

Her actions look like a PA, and you are not responsible for those actions. Even if we have all come to the incorrect conclusion, there are consequences to her behavior. Her behavior was at least an EA, and it crossed boundaries sufficient to reasonably justify D back then. Maybe you should have D back then. Now it has festered to where you want to D but don't have a good current excuse to do so. If you decide to leave the marriage it is due to actions of others which exceeded your tolerances.

I think a good counselor could help you explore all of these aspects.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TX-SC said:


> I don't think I have ever bruised a woman during sex. Am I doing something wrong?


You need to date the ones with a "low iron count"..... They bruise pretty easy.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You can be pretty sure she did it. Red flags are just all over the place and flying high.


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## theDrifter (Mar 20, 2017)

If a man/woman has an EA and they are in reasonable proximity of each other they have sex. Always, never saw a case where it wasn't eventually confessed or proven.

Your wife had sex with the guy. She might never tell you the truth because as long as she denies it - she got away with it. She'll never pay the consequences for screwing another man because you cannot PROVE it. If you stay in your head about this you will never find out the truth. You have to find evidence that proves it or you have to trick her into confessing. You could tell her that you have discovered something - like someone told you what really happened - and give her one final chance to confess and have all forgiven or you are leaving her. When she won't admit anything then you pack a bag and leave. Stay away until she confesses. This works most of the time. Then, after she confesses, you can stay or leave depending on how you feel at that time. You cannot be held to the "promise" of amnesty after what she did...


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

:/ me said:


> Thank you all for the responses.
> 
> Wife is Japanese.
> 
> ...


The bruising on the knees is from her giving him a bj.


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## quarterafterone (Jul 30, 2017)

Hi first time posting on these forums here. So please let me know if I don't do something properly. I said YES to your poll. And I am a woman. IF I were to put aside my own personal morals & values and actually cheat on my Husband it would be just for the chance at great sex, there would be no other reason to cheat for me personally - so I would cheat because of sex - I must be different:wink2:

Also you say there are young children involved, feel sorry for you on that, as it makes everything so much more difficult. If I may delicately suggest - perhaps consider getting DNA tests done on them. If the tests can be done without her knowledge maybe do it that way. The truth should be confirmed in a situation where infidelity is suspected. Those kids deserve to know the truth. YOU deserve to know the truth even though it may be heart-breaking, it is better to face it then be wondering forever. Also for legal purposes, this is likely to be required in the future. You deserve better.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

:/ me said:


> I helped my wife immigrate here


Oy vey... How did you meet this woman? How old are you?


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

and how old is she?


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## Scooter123 (Aug 5, 2017)

I probably had 6 of your 13 signs and my wife had sex with the OM. She is Chinese, and I can tell you there is no cultural difference. Cheating is cheating. If anything, she was raised in a more traditional and conservative family. You have to keep pushing with your questions. My WW denied it at first, but she admitted little by little after persistent questioning. I was so tired of the lying. Anyhow, sorry to hear about your situation.


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