# How do I let go of the hate?



## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

My divorce was final back in September but the marriage was over over 5 years ago. Although our divorce was civil and we did the divorce with no lawyers and did all the paperwork ourselves, we don't fight and we don't slander each other in our community. However my ex did something to me that I'm having a hard time letting go of. Part of me hates his guts and another part of me says "it wasn't that big of a deal". I think the later is due to my ex trying to make me believe that what he did was justifiable.

Here's what happened: 5 or so years ago on 3 separate occasions, I got very drunk. I was to the point of just wanting to pass out and go to bed. One time my ex asked for sex and I said no. However my state of mind was so gone that he took it anyway and I was too drunk to fight it.

Another time I was again drunk and went to bed just wanting to sleep, I woke up naked and knew he had sex with me.

Each time the next day I was upset but my manipulative husband made me feel guilty and said it was a wife's duty and I didn't push him off anyway. He had a way of making me feel less of a woman. This occurance finally stopped because I finally did push him off which ended up in a fight anyway.

I tried for 5 years to just "let it go" and forget it. But after 5 years of not wanting that man to ever touch me again, countless hours of counseling, we are divorced and I couldn't be happier! I'm dating someone who is fabulous to me and moving on.

However my heart has so much hate for my ex for what he did to me, he walks around our community with an ego and gets everyone to feel sorry for him because he "misses his family". If they only knew the real him. 

I keep to myself and don't say anything in the community and I've stayed away from mutual friends who seem to believe his crap. But am I wrong for feeling so much hate?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'd like some clarification. I sounds like on these occasions, you were very very dunk and on at least one pass-out drunk. How drunk was your husband?


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## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

My ex was not drunk at all- maybe had a couple beers.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

I have a similar situation. I've not wanted to have sex with my stbx because it became that he wouldn't stop having sex if it hurt and if I was too tired or whatever he would start a huge fight and do and say horrible things to basically send the message that I would have to face out of control behavior if I wouldn't have sex. I had to get drunk to enjoy sex with him eventually. I'd get horny but the second he'd try to start stuff all the fights and times I had to do it even if it hurt (because telling him it hurt didn't stop him and forcing him off would result in a huge fight) and I'd lose all desire. He acted like I owed him sex regardless of my feelings, even long before we were married. I actually am very sexual, but his behavior entirely killed my sex drive.

People don't understand how much damage that does when the person closest to you doesn't even give you the right to your own body. I've had situations with people I wasn't close to where sexual things or contact occurred that I didn't want, and it really didn't affect me that much. But when it is someone who is supposed to love you, and you just want to make them happy but still enjoy it yourself, it's so damaging. You don't feel safe when you are with them which means you feel unsafe in your own body almost all the time. At any point they might start guilting you, not caring what is comfortable for you, creating fear when you decline something, etc. So I do get how you feel, and I know a lot of people don't get it.

As far as dealing with the anger, I try not to think about it. I don't know if that'll work long term, but I feel like the more I think about it the more power he's taking away and the more difficulty I will have with sex in the future. It happened, you can't change it, but you can refuse to let it control you anymore. You took control by leaving, so why let the memories come back to steal that control away? You're physically free now, let your mind be free too.


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## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

beautiful_seculsion

Very well put! Thank you for the wonderful advice. You are so correct when you said that I am allowing him to have the power. he knows what he did was wrong, he has admitted to it. I have moved on and have gotten back my sexuality, actually even more than I ever had with him, so I should relish in that not what he did. I'm just glad it's over and i'm away from him. Thanks for making me feel so much better!!!


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

I'm so glad it helped


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree. The way you get over the hate is to go to counseling and work through it. While it's reasonable that you would hate someone who raped you, the hate hurts you, not him.

I would think that you would maintain a healthy fear of him though. What a scum bag.


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## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

Thank you !!! I did go to IC for a long time, it was actually that IC that helped me to ask for the divorce! I do think I need to go back for a few more sessions though, especially now that I'm in a relationship with someone- my sensitivity tends to be a problem sometimes and I don't want that to hinder my future.

So glad I found this site! SO many wonderful people here!


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