# Can't pull the trigger.....I need you!



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

This is my 2nd post. My first gave details of what I'm going thru in my marriage. Now that I know what I want (or today anyway) I just can't seem to "get on with it".....

I want to separate from my husband. I think, at this point, it's needed for ME. I'm tired of pretending everything is ok, I'm tired of being the only one who sees something is wrong, I'm tired of going to therapy while he does nothing. I can't talk to him, he just gets mad....I've tried, believe me, I've tried!

So, it's time to take action. 

I am going to TRY to make it to the first of the year, I have a son and don't want to disrupt the holidays for him. I could care less about me. 

My question: Is anyone is this situation now?
Been in this situation before?
Any advice on how I deal w/this emotionally?

I have a place to go, I have my own banking account, I plan on making copies of all important paperwork etc.....
I've seen an attorney, I've done it all but leave.
Part of it is staying b/c it's comfortable, safe and sometimes bearable....

I just need a pep talk I guess....

I know this may end up badly, but I'm miserable...MISERABLE!

It's now or never....either he wakes up and joins this marriage, or it's over. 

Thanks....
M


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I can understand that you want to keep things nice and stable for your child, I've been there. My concern is that you're saying that you want to wait until the end of the year, and that when that time gets here, then it'll be waiting for this, and then that, and so on and so on until it's 10 years from now and you still haven't left. 

If nothing else, if you're going to wait for the end of the year, I think you should at least let him know that at that point you want to separate. If you keep it to yourself, then there's nothing and no one to hold you accountable if you don't do it. If he, or someone else, knows, they can question you as to why you haven't left yet. 

I haven't looked at your other post, so I may be making suggestions you've already gotten or tried, but if you haven't, you might consider counseling. If you're looking to keep things good for your son, you want to be able to tell him someday that you tried everything you could to keep his home intact before you ended things. 

It's a tough decision, but once you've made it you have to take steps to move forward with it. It sounds like you've done everything that needs to be done. Just make sure, if you're certain you want to leave, that you really do leave.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Thank you!

I know if I keep waiting, it will be another 5 years (as it's already been) and I'll be saying, "I'm leaving when...."

So my plan is to tell him that I'm staying to the end of the year, get thru the holidays and I'm out.
(He's refused to leave our house *even though his parents have a home he could go to and not pay a dime*)

And me AND my therapist thinks he is saying he won't leave b/c he doesn't believe that I will....
Just like our relationship and marriage...maybe if he doesn't say anything, admit there's a problem or rock the boat, everything will be ok.

Thanks for your post....
This is exactly what I need


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## confused27f (Oct 15, 2010)

My situation is quite different - no kids & husband trying to work on things BUT I completely understand where you are with things and it sounds like you're doing all the right things for you and your son. It takes a lot of courage and I know you worry what your son will think, but would you want him staying in a situation like that and thinking that is a healthy marriage? Good luck to you!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

My therapist has said the same thing about what we are doing is showing him how marriage is supposed to be...and it's not. Far from it!

Thank you so much, good luck to you too! 

M


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## DebV (Oct 20, 2010)

Staying or going is not going to be easy... A marriage is a relationship that both people have to work 110% at and even then it is still hard. You are taking the appropriate steps to better yourself and H needs to do the same. It's time for H to do his part. You need to talk to him and tell him where you're at with things and if he is denial or unwilling, then at least you tried. I will pray for you.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Thanks DebV....
About a month ago, I sat him down for the umpteenth time. Told him I wanted to seperate and why...he refused to leave. He walks around like nothing is wrong and everytime I try to talk tohim about anything pertaining to me, him or us...he gets all defensive and mad. "Oh, this again?" lol

I used to love this man more than I did myself....
Over the years, his neglect (yes sexually too) combined w/no intimacy etc, I have grown more and more resentful towards him.
It's getting worse the more he pretends nothing is wrong!
I'm tired of crying!!

Thanks for the prayers....
I need all I can get!

M


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## JensHere (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm not sure I can offer any constructive advice, but I can tell you I understand 100% what you are saying. My husband has had addiction issues in our entire 14 years together, and I've wanted to leave for a LONG time, but I've always found excuses to stay. I'm at a point now where I've started counseling, and I've decided it's going to happen, and I'm making myself sick thinking about talking to him about it. (I have to talk to my 13 year old son first because in the past my husband has threatened to tell him lies if I were to leave). We haven't been intimate in a very long time, and he stays up late every night after I go to bed drinking heavily. The problem is he is in complete and total denial that he has any addiciton issues, we haven't been fighting a lot or anything, we've just been sort of "existing". And he thinks everything is just fine between us. I don't even know how to start "the talk"; it's going to happen this weekend because my son will be out of town and we'll have some alone time. I've been obsessing about leaving, especially for the past year or so, and I know it has to happen now. I'm right there with you. I'm hoping I can be strong enough to stand up for myself. He knows how to manipulate me with guilt, but I'm done with it all. We shouldn't wait any longer. Good luck to you!!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jen...I will pray for you this weekend! I can completely...COMPLETELY understand what you are going through! My husband doens't have any addiction issues, he's a good man so I feel guilt all on my own...but our relationship isn't what is should be and I can't do it all on my own...we are also existing. I have to have a talk w/my 9 year old and I'm scared too death! He knows something isn't right but this will rock his world! I just hope that down the road, he will see his mother happy and less stressed. He's asked me before why I am so sad...really? I've tried so hard to hide that...he can even hear it in my voice! That kills me!
I think the hardest part of all this is the amount of time in which we've spent w/our spouses, the life we've become so used to and the fear of what's to come....if you are sure...do it. Lean on your friends and family for support...and I am here for you to! Anytime!

M


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## nofairytales (Oct 23, 2010)

Sorry you are going through this, JustAGirl. As the daughter of parents who never should have stayed together, let me offer this perspective:

You're saying that you are sad right now and becoming resentful of your husband. You say that your son already notices your sadness. He probably notices that things aren't quite right with daddy and mommy either. Kids are very perceptive and being unable to process all the emotions they are witnessing from their parent, the effects cannot be seen for some time.

I grew up trying to reach out for a love that just didn't exist in my parents' home. I vowed to never let a man walk over me, be an alcoholic, neglectful, etc. Yet, I still ended up in a bad marriage. Why? Because I never got an example of what a stable relationship should be like. Had my mom left my father, I would have been hurt, but I would have learned a much more valuable lesson about when to stand up for yourself in a relationship vs letting things go on and on for so long.

Please think about that. If your relationship is strong with your son, he will grow to understand over time. Prepare that he may need some counseling as well, but I truly believe that staying together for the sake of the kids is a HUGE mistake in many cases.

I envy that you are able to leave. A few years ago, I decided to stay and work on my relationship when I was fully capable of leaving and supporting myself. Now that I am ready to leave, I have to wait for stabler finances. Please do not miss your opportunity. Things happen in life everyday and doors do not stay open forever. 

Best to you.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Thank you SO much!!
I really appreciate your perspective and I know you're right! SO right! I am in therapy and have mentioned putting my son in therapy...my husband said...and I quote, "Absolutely NOT"! I thought no matter what, it would be good for him. He is stuggling with his behavior in school, and has for some time. I believe that he has been as a result of our marriage....it just didn't dawn on me until I, myself got into therapy.

I'm sorry you're not able to do what you need to right now. But your time will come....just hang in there!

I think (for the moment) I've decided to wait until the first of the year. I have a friend (my oldest and dearest friend) who has rental property that we went to look at this past weekend. We will only pay for utlities ect, which is great because I've been stressing over money so much! Even worried about how my H will pay for the house he refuses to leave.

She has a daughter (who's in kindergarden) and so I won't have to worry about a roomate who wants to go wild. She is seperated from her husband and is stuck.....

I'm started to get excited a little...I've never been on my own, but more than anything, I want to make sure that this is what I want and need. My therapist thinks that this will force him to decide too...we will see!

Thanks again,
please keep in touch!

M


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Thank you SO much!!
> I really appreciate your perspective and I know you're right! SO right! I am in therapy and have mentioned putting my son in therapy...my husband said...and I quote, "Absolutely NOT"! I thought no matter what, it would be good for him. He is stuggling with his behavior in school, and has for some time. I believe that he has been as a result of our marriage....it just didn't dawn on me until I, myself got into therapy.
> 
> I'm sorry you're not able to do what you need to right now. But your time will come....just hang in there!
> ...


Hi M (JustAGirl)

I want to add my support for you, tell you there is life after a bad marriage, and your son can prosper.

I speak from my own experience, I married young (21), had a planned kid 18 months later, and knew something was seriously wrong with my marriage by the birth of our 2nd child.

I'll skip the details other than to say the kids were with me a lot, now both are doing well, I am very close to my oldest, he is a wonderful father to his sons, a wonderful husband. My youngest is prospering, he had a number of rough years because of his mom's BPD, brilliant, he graduated with honors from Brown, has worked in high technology continuously in CA, now wants me to live near him so he can care for me if necessary.

I hope you and your son will have a good life, your stbxH recognition of his addictions and the sense to straighten out.

Have to add I struggle with divorce/stay issues in my second marriage. Her lack of libido, her depression, and some other issues make me want to leave even though our first 20+ years were very happy. I will be spending a month in SF soon, my profile on plentyoffish is drawing interest, while I have started discussions with several interesting women.

Good luck,

Mark


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Thanks Mark!
My H has libido problems (I know it's odd, but I am like a lot of men in this situation-very HIGH sex drive *always have* and he doesn't want me) *No matter what he says (of course I want you) you can't act one way and say another! Drives me INSANE! In one year, we had sex 4 times....FOUR TIMES! Now, I know sex isn't everything, but it keeps you close, intimate....makes your relationship different than what I have now....a roomate who I've had a child with!
Anyway, I have men who are interested in me....facebook messages, people at work who have made comments. I'm not afraid of finding someone else, or being alone for that matter.
I want to be happy! Without stress hitting me as soon as I walk in my own home, without guilt that I don't love him like I used to, without having to walk on egg shells, without having to pretend everything is ok...all of it.

The longer I stay, the more I've made up my mind that there is NO chance, so I gotta go....and crazy as it sounds, I'm more at peace now than I've been for years!

I wish you the best Mark!
Thanks!
M


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Thanks Mark!
> My H has libido problems (I know it's odd, but I am like a lot of men in this situation-very HIGH sex drive *always have* and he doesn't want me) *No matter what he says (of course I want you) you can't act one way and say another! Drives me INSANE! In one year, we had sex 4 times....FOUR TIMES! Now, I know sex isn't everything, but it keeps you close, intimate....makes your relationship different than what I have now....a roomate who I've had a child with!
> Anyway, I have men who are interested in me....facebook messages, people at work who have made comments. I'm not afraid of finding someone else, or being alone for that matter.
> I want to be happy! Without stress hitting me as soon as I walk in my own home, without guilt that I don't love him like I used to, without having to walk on egg shells, without having to pretend everything is ok...all of it.
> ...


Hi M,

Thanks!

I just got off the phone with my kind, caring, compassionate atty. She has been listening to me since August, says W will not change, thinks I should go ahead and file. She spoke more as a wise psychologist with my best interests at heart than a lawyer, thinks the process will be simple as we have a pre-nuptial agreement.

I want to let you know what she said

"The stronger spouse assesses and admits the problems, the other spouse is also unhappy"

"You are on a roller coaster, going from highs to lows, the peaks greater on each swing. I worry about your next crash, and one after that".

"Don't give control to your spouse"

"Your spouse is not 'here' yet, you are the only one grieving for the marriage"

"YOU CAN'T LET YOUR SPOUSE CALL THE SHOTS!!" (my caps).

"Your life is ahead of you, the sooner you start, the sooner it will begin"

Hope this helps, I'm using up tissues by the box.

Mark


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> Hi M,
> 
> Thanks!
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing that....

They ALL apply...but the one that got me most was, "Your spouse is not 'here' yet, you are the only one grieving for the marriage"

I've cried so much in the past month because I finally decided it's time for me to do something ("Your life is ahead of you, the sooner you start, the sooner it will begin")

And even though I asked for a separation a month ago ("YOU CAN'T LET YOUR SPOUSE CALL THE SHOTS!!") I truley think I've let him call my bluff...problem is, it isn't a bluff!
I tried talking to him some more and he got angry, so I'm done talking and it's time for action! ("You are on a roller coaster, going from highs to lows, the peaks greater on each swing. I worry about your next crash, and one after that".) Here we go!

I've spoken w/an attorney...just haven't retained her. I got some good information from her and will use it and move forward if need be. My therapist said that I can no longer be responsible for his actions...he needs to live w/the consciences...apparently, I try to help everyone and make everything ok...something I have to change.

Please let me know how your situation goes and turns out.
It's a great help to talk to someone who isn't making me feel like I'm to blame!

M


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Thank you for sharing that....
> 
> They ALL apply...but the one that got me most was, "Your spouse is not 'here' yet, you are the only one grieving for the marriage"
> 
> ...


M -

I'm so very glad I've been helpful, were you living in CT I'd pass on my attorney's name, she practices in New Haven. A friend who knows her socially suggested I talk to her. (For those going through divorce in CT, please send a request back channel for this information.)

A relative with her Ph.D in psychology, has said much the same to me as my atty. My LMFT counselor has said "Your marriage is over, marriage counseling is a waste of everyone's time and money".

I so wish W hadn't pushed my buttons on Saturday.

Mark


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

lol what's LMFT?

And uh oh, what did she do Saturday???


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## Numbinside (Sep 11, 2010)

JustaGirl,

I'm in the same situation as you except we have no kids. I don't really know why I stay except I don't want to hurt him. I've considered leaving for almost 2 yrs now. We've been married 6.5 years and together for almost 9. Throughout the years he's been both verbally and emotionally abusive. To make a long story short, I have brought this up to him many times but he didn't start listening until I told him I wanted to leave. This was over a year ago. He's made tremendous changes but the truth is, I'm just done. No matter what he does. And I just can't seem to pull the trigger either. Anyway I hope it all works out for you and that you are able to do what makes you happy! I know I plan on it, and soon.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Numbinside said:


> JustaGirl,
> 
> I'm in the same situation as you except we have no kids. I don't really know why I stay except I don't want to hurt him. I've considered leaving for almost 2 yrs now. We've been married 6.5 years and together for almost 9. Throughout the years he's been both verbally and emotionally abusive. To make a long story short, I have brought this up to him many times but he didn't start listening until I told him I wanted to leave. This was over a year ago. He's made tremendous changes but the truth is, I'm just done. No matter what he does. And I just can't seem to pull the trigger either. Anyway I hope it all works out for you and that you are able to do what makes you happy! I know I plan on it, and soon.


You know, be glad there aren't kids involved! It's made it so much harder!!!

I honestly know EXACTLY how you feel....
Even though I've reached out to my H....asked him about therapy etc...there isn't anything he can do now either. I'm done....and when you're done, you're done! Just don't stay as long as I did....you start losing yourself in the process!


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