# Being Too Involved In An Emotional Affair



## MTu1682 (Oct 25, 2021)

So, I need to preface this - I get it. Yes. I am "the bad guy" in this situation. I accept that and I am not proud of it. I acknowledge this. Please read on. There is a *TLDR* at the bottom if you want to rush through.

*Marriage Situation: *Married 14 years, together 18. Got together young, very early 20's. Marriage has been on the rocks for at least 7 years. We've been staying together for our daughter (who is now 9). Marriage has been devoid of sex and intimacy for at least 5 years. Sex occurred once, maybe twice per year during that seven year rocky period, and not at all in the last 2. After things got explosive with fights over the last year we decided mutually to divorce. In doing so our attitudes immediately improved and we are working toward an amicable separation within an 18 month time frame.

*Emotional Affair Situation: *Recently, an old college friend came back into my life after being "out" of it for years. Talked on and off on facebook over the years, saw each other in person (first time in years) a few months back at a mutual friends' event. Sparks flew immediately. The connection is extraordinarily powerful. I've never felt the degree of connection, emotional fulfillment and desire for any woman, including my wife at the height of our relationship, that I feel for this woman now. Situations are similar but different - I'm definitely getting divorced, she's not. She is struggling but not as bad as I was. She has a lot of issues with her husband (similar to my problem - no sex, no intimacy, no emotional connection). We haven't had sex but there is a degree of personal intimacy between us that often leads to very strong efforts to see each other in person as often as possible (which is not easy when you live in separate states).

Im looking for advice - I think..I KNOW I am far too invested in this emotional affair. We definitely have feelings for each other, that much is clear. However, I am very much done and leaving my marriage. She is not, and to be perfectly honest, I do not believe she ever will despite her complaints. I'm an idiot for wanting something to happen with a married woman that lives out of state, for believing that maybe somehow we can make it work (and that would be a possibility as her plan post-divorce would be to move back to where I am). She has a lot of valid complaints about her marriage but not enough, in my opinion, to facilitate her leaving.

In the end, I know I'm an idiot for holding on to the thought that, once my marriage is officially over, I can begin to formally pursue her. A change happened just recently for her, a very drastic move by her husband she never thought she'd see (he agreed to move to be closer to her family). To me, that was the death knell of any potential future. His gesture in doing that could be seen as equivalent to a vow renewal to her. It's done, and I know it. Because of this grand gesture he just made, I am putting a hard stop immediately to the limited physical intimacy she gets from me (hugging, cuddling, nothing more). I was okay with it and ate the guilt when it seemed she was on the rocks. I am NOT okay with it now that he made this move. It was already bad enough we did that, I will not continue to be a scumbag now that they're on the path to potentially repairing their relationship. It is done.

_Or is it?_ We have something really strong here. I've never felt this way about anyone prior. Should I just move on and let it go? Cut my losses? OR, should just continue to nurture the seed that's been planted over the next however many months/years? Words are not the same as actions, and that's all he has given her right now. Honestly, if it's not her, I have absolutely no intention of dating anyone after my divorce. I've gone without intimacy and connection long enough to get into a routine of not particularly needing it to survive. Hence why I think this emotional affair has me in this state of mind. I would instead focus on being a dad and dedicate all my energy to that. So, do I have anything to lose by trying to hold onto this?

*TLDR: *I'm getting amicably divorced, 18 mo. timeframe, ran into old friend, we have powerful connection, we're now having an emotional affair while I am still married. I'm definitely getting divorced, she's not there yet, she may never be because husband made grand gesture to move to where her family is. She gets no intimacy/sexual/emotional fulfillment but this move was a huge step, and she gets limited intimacy/emotional from me (but no longer after her husband's gesture). We love each other, but being together may be a fool's hope. Hold onto it, or let it go?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Let it go.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are her side piece. That’s all.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You want to know if you should keep heavily pursuing a married woman who is trying to make a go of her marriage? Really???


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> You are her side piece. That’s all.


Not even that. Most likely he's nothing but her emotional crutch.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MTu1682 said:


> So, I need to preface this - I get it. Yes. I am "the bad guy" in this situation. I accept that and I am not proud of it. I acknowledge this. Please read on. There is a *TLDR* at the bottom if you want to rush through.
> 
> *Marriage Situation: *Married 14 years, together 18. Got together young, very early 20's. Marriage has been on the rocks for at least 7 years. We've been staying together for our daughter (who is now 9). Marriage has been devoid of sex and intimacy for at least 5 years. Sex occurred once, maybe twice per year during that seven year rocky period, and not at all in the last 2. After things got explosive with fights over the last year we decided mutually to divorce. In doing so our attitudes immediately improved and we are working toward an amicable separation within an 18 month time frame.
> 
> ...


I feel for you but your interest is working on her marriage so that is a non starter.

Hope the best for you and she is out there. Work on yourself so you will be in good shape when you find her.


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## MTu1682 (Oct 25, 2021)

Livvie said:


> You want to know if you should keep heavily pursuing a married woman who is trying to make a go of her marriage? Really???


No, not heavily pursue. As I mentioned I'm not interested in meeting anyone after my divorce. If this is nothing then so be it. 

In the interests of not making this post longer than it already was, I omitted a lot of her problems. She's very unhappy in many aspects of her marriage, to the point where her issues completely reflect mine. The difference is she sees them now, earlier in her marriage but later in her life, therefore she's more reluctant to make a drastic move and is in the "we can fix this" mindset. I saw my issues earlier in the marraige as well as earlier in my life, but just held on to the idea that "we can fix things" for years and years until it got to the point where I'm now about to turn 39 and will be on my own at 40, finally realizing that holding onto the "we can fix it" idea for all those years was detrimental to me.


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## MTu1682 (Oct 25, 2021)

x


Andy1001 said:


> You are her side piece. That’s all.





Rob_1 said:


> Not even that. Most likely he's nothing but her emotional crutch.



I honestly agree with both sentiments here. Makes me sound even more stupid that I'm asking the question in the first place, right?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I would let it go. She's married, pursuing it would be a chit show, you are still technically married. Get through that and leave this one alone. If she ends up divorcing her husband then you can see but I wouldn't want to be the reason to end a marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its irrelevant the issues you both have in your marriages, the fact is that you are still married with a child and she is also married maybe with a child/children, so neither of you are free to have any sort of relationship. Neither of you have even started a divorce, so cut off all contact, be honest with your wife and think of your child. 

Once you have sorted out your marriage and finally got divorced, and if she is then divorced, you are free to persue it. However the grass really isnt greener. She is a woman who is happy to cheat on her husband wth a married man with a child, I dont see how you could ever trust her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Wanna know what would be even more stupid? Holding onto her — so don’t. Move on and rebuild your life.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Let it go, it was all just fairy dust to begin with. She was a "safe" option. Being friends even if she wasn't interested she wouldn't deliver a crushing rejection. Worse case she just works things out with her husband..........oh wait. 

Yep, sorry dude, you were that chick's emotional tampon. Nothing else. 

Take this time to work on yourself. Focus on your finances, your health and take some time to learn how the game is really played. I'd recommend reading No More Mister Nice Guy, The Unplugged Alpha, and The Rational Male.

The easiest win right now is your health, especially if you look like most guys your age. 

Good luck.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

MTu1682 said:


> x
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There're not stupid questions, just stupid answers, unless once realizing what things really are you continue on the same path.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MTu1682 said:


> .......Marriage has been devoid of sex and intimacy for at least 5 years. Sex occurred once, maybe twice per year during that seven year rocky period, and not at all in the last 2. After things got explosive with fights over the last year *we decided mutually to divorce.* In doing so our attitudes immediately improved and *we are working toward an amicable separation within an 18 month time frame.
> 
> Emotional Affair Situation: *Recently, an old college friend came back into my life after being "out" of it for years. Talked on and off on facebook over the years, saw each other in person (first time in years) a few months back at a mutual friends' event. Sparks flew immediately. T*he connection is extraordinarily powerful. I've never felt the degree of connection, emotional fulfillment and desire for any woman, including my wife at the height of our relationship, that I feel for this woman now. Situations are similar but different - I'm definitely getting divorced, she's not.* She is struggling but not as bad as I was. She has a lot of issues with her husband (similar to my problem - no sex, no intimacy, no emotional connection). *We haven't had sex but there is a degree of personal intimacy between us* that often leads to very strong efforts to see each other in person as often as possible (which is not easy when you live in separate states).
> 
> ...





MTu1682 said:


> No, not heavily pursue. As I mentioned I'm not interested in meeting anyone after my divorce. If this is nothing then so be it.
> 
> In the interests of not making this post longer than it already was, I omitted a lot of her problems. She's very unhappy in many aspects of her marriage, to the point where her issues completely reflect mine. The difference is she sees them now, earlier in her marriage but later in her life, therefore she's more reluctant to make a drastic move and is in the "we can fix this" mindset. I saw my issues earlier in the marraige as well as earlier in my life, but just held on to the idea that "we can fix things" for years and years until it got to the point where I'm now about to turn 39 and will be on my own at 40, finally realizing that holding onto the "we can fix it" idea for all those years was detrimental to me.


Dear MTu1682,

You know this infatuation or whatever is over. Let go of it. Let go of it as both a favor to yourself and to this past crush and recent EA.

The absolute last thing you should do is get romantically involved during the divorce process of just after a divorce. You need time to heal and to get your head back on straight so that you can lead a good life. You need to understand what YOU did wrong in your marriage and take steps to establish different behavior patterns for yourself. To get romantically involved (hugging, cuddling, are a little more than an EA), with a woman contemplating divorce is providing her with some degree to pressure to go forward with divorce on her part. It is also denying her the time she will need to heal herself and establish new behavior patterns on her part.

I am glad you have decided it is over. If you want to leave the door open. Tell her you hope that she and her H work toward reconciliation. Tell her you are attracted to her, but you now know that she needs to work on her marriage and herself, while you work on healing yourself from your coming divorce. Tell her, if you must, that should things now work out with her husband, she should call you once she is divorced and once she has emotionally healed from the trauma of divorce. Tell her, you expect it will take a year or so for you to get over your divorce that will happen in about 18 months.

Good luck.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Short story: two cheaters are cheating.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

This thing you have going on with the slutty wife that won't leave her husband is special.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i guess it is a choice of your personal ethics/morals. She is married, and is not leaving her husband. Are you really willing to destroy this other man for your personal happiness? Are you really OK with seducing her to undermine her stable marriage just to get her into bed? Since she is not willing to leave her husband for you, you will have to resort to seduction and mind tricks to get her into your bed!

Consider this, if you do succeed, she might later despise you for "tricking her" into trashing her marriage

start dating, but only single women. Maybe your friend has a single twin sister, or something?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’re not divorced.

I was the girl that once had that amazing connection with a married man, in another state. Who was also getting a divorce.

I was single. He said those exact same things to me that you said. (I wasn’t married). He spent a lot of money flying me out, and flying out to see me. Amazing connection and all that.

Thing is, mine actually was divorcing, but marrying wife number 2… and I was girl 3 in between two marriages. (I didn’t know the truth, but ended the relationship for other reasons and found out much later). 

You’re not divorced. But you’re already elsewhere. So… 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Also, you’re sleeping with her right? It’s not cheap travelling such a distance just to ‘see each other’. And it’s time-consuming and takes a bit of planning. Right?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I don't believe you are going to get your true wish with this woman. You need to accept reality - no matter how unhappy she seems to be to you, SHE doesn't want to leave her husband. She likes her marriage and is choosing her marriage instead of choosing YOU.

That means that any and all emotional investment you put into your "relationship" is never going to bring you what you want. You are meeting HER needs only - to stay in her comfortable, secure marriage and have emotional excitement (entertainment?) with you - and you are not meeting your own needs - to have a "real" reciprocal relationship.

If she was that into YOU, she would be willing to leave him and not be making excuses for why she should stay while crying about how conflicted she is. I'm sure she really enjoys what you give her, because it's what is lacking with her husband. But she does NOT believe you are worth leaving him over, and you need to accept that. She doesn't want you in that way...she doesn't want a full relationship with you.

You were strong enough to face your reality and leave your unhappy marriage - GOOD for YOU!!!
Right now, you feel like you won't want to date anyone else if you can't have her, but that isn't anything noble or reasonable to expect from yourself. What your feelings for her have shown you is that you ARE still human and capable of bonding and feeling strongly and deeply for another human being -- that is GREAT news!!! The problem is, your eyes are so focused on her, you can't see anyone else.

Once you force yourself to detach from and stop orbiting around this woman who really isn't an option for you, you WILL see you have other options for love and connection with women who will be available and who will want you in return!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

MTu1682 said:


> No, not heavily pursue. As I mentioned I'm not interested in meeting anyone after my divorce. If this is nothing then so be it.
> 
> In the interests of not making this post longer than it already was, I omitted a lot of her problems. She's very unhappy in many aspects of her marriage, to the point where her issues completely reflect mine. The difference is she sees them now, earlier in her marriage but later in her life, therefore she's more reluctant to make a drastic move and is in the "we can fix this" mindset. I saw my issues earlier in the marraige as well as earlier in my life, but just held on to the idea that "we can fix things" for years and years until it got to the point where I'm now about to turn 39 and will be on my own at 40, finally realizing that holding onto the "we can fix it" idea for all those years was detrimental to me.


The problems in her marriage are completely irrelevant. She is married and therefore she is off limits, period. You are simply the POSOM. The infatuation you are feeling isn't any indication of real love. She just represents something new and exciting to you, and she is forbidden fruit which makes you lust after her. Unless you want to continue to be a piece of **** you need to go 100% no contact with her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm not sure if you are even in the Friend Zone or if you are simply her emotional tampon that she can emotionally vomit on and it strokes her ego to have you there telling her how great she is. 

So at best you are an orbiter that gives her validation that she is still desired....even though she has no desire for you (how do I know she has no desire for you??? ..... because she's not Fing you.) 

But you are most likely an emotion tampon or an emotional puke bucket. 

Is that where you want to be when Jesus comes back?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now, I will say that my outlook on your home situation is probably a lot different than many of the other posters. The way I see your marriage is that it is dead and that you are just waiting for the spring thaw to thaw out the ground so you can bury the corpse. 

You haven't had marital relations for years, you have both recognize the death of the marriage and you both have agreed to divorce. 

I don't understand this 18 month bullcrap and liken it to Norman Bates keeping his dead mother's corpse in the bedroom but whatever. 

But my point here is even though the state has not legally recognized the legal dissolution of your marriage yet, you are two single people that have agreed to raise your child together and not fight about things anymore and for whatever reason have agreed to this 18 month legal timeline. 

As far as I'm concerned, your marriage and relationship and romantic/sexual exclusivity to each other is null and void. Both you and she are adults and do with your genitalia whatever you see fit. You have no claims over her jay-jay and she has no claims over your johnson. 

Now in practical terms, unless you are extremely good looking or very wealthy, very few if any woman are going to have anything to do with you while you are still legally married to and living as a family with your wife and noone is going to buy in to this 18 month crap except for some really fat and desperate chick. 

Conversely, dudes will be lined up down the street for a chance to get with your wife while you are still the one stuck doing all the domestic chores and babysitting etc while she's out riding the carousel. 

I see this as a crap or get off the pot situation and where you either need to be married and having a real marital life, or you need to get the divorce and actually be a free and single man so you actually can get out and fine someone that is right for you. 

Right now this lifestyle is giving you all the pitfalls and cons of marriage with none of the benefits. 

You're being taken for a ride and used here. She is likely boffing other dudes here while you empty the dishwasher and take care of the child. But you aren't going to be able to move on or accomplish anything for at least another year and a half. 

(and me suspects that this "wife" of yours, will be finding various reasons to keep extending this 18 month period into multiple years as her parents get sick and the car needs a new transmission and she wants to go back to school etc etc) 

Crap or get off the pot my friend. Either be married with a real marital relationship or be free and single.


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## Angel wings (Oct 31, 2021)

MTu1682 said:


> So, I need to preface this - I get it. Yes. I am "the bad guy" in this situation. I accept that and I am not proud of it. I acknowledge this. Please read on. There is a *TLDR* at the bottom if you want to rush through.
> 
> *Marriage Situation: *Married 14 years, together 18. Got together young, very early 20's. Marriage has been on the rocks for at least 7 years. We've been staying together for our daughter (who is now 9). Marriage has been devoid of sex and intimacy for at least 5 years. Sex occurred once, maybe twice per year during that seven year rocky period, and not at all in the last 2. After things got explosive with fights over the last year we decided mutually to divorce. In doing so our attitudes immediately improved and we are working toward an amicable separation within an 18 month time frame.
> 
> ...


Really you know the answer you should stop what you doing it's wrong


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Not even that. Most likely he's nothing but her emotional crutch.


This


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

On another note to the OP, so what you aren't legally divorced, don't throw time in your life away because a bunch of Internet people tell you it's wrong. If you and your wife are under no illusion it's over have at it.

If however you're still stringing your wife along as plan b, not good.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jamieboy said:


> On another note to the OP, so what you aren't legally divorced, don't throw time in your life away because a bunch of Internet people tell you it's wrong. If you and your wife are under no illusion it's over have at it.
> 
> If however you're still stringing your wife along as plan b, not good.


I actually think she is the one stringing him. 

This arrangement completely benefits her and not him. 

She hasn’t lost anything and still has him to pay bills, fix leaky faucets and flat tires and provide in-home child care while she can get with whoever, however and whenever she wants. 

He on the other hand is still stuck with someone who hasn’t touched him in years and the best he can hope for is this fantasy world with this other chick that is just using him as an emotional tampon. 

I agree this “marriage” is FUBAR and each are free to do as they please. 

But he’s the one being taken for a ride and lead to believe that this so-called year and a half arrangement is somehow a good thing for him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> Also, you’re sleeping with her right? It’s not cheap travelling such a distance just to ‘see each other’. And it’s time-consuming and takes a bit of planning. Right?


YeAh, they have this huge connection, driving vast distances to talk and hug. Uh huh.
I ride flying monkeys and fart skittles, too.

OP, stop the tales of good character abd just admit this to yourself: you started a relationship with a married woman while married. My advice is to rebuild the relationship with your wife and mother of your kids, if she’s interested. Your fairytale with the college friend was just that. Build a fairytale with your “friend” you’re divorcing.

And stop spinning the truth which is obvious.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Luckylucky said:


> Also, you’re sleeping with her right? It’s not cheap travelling such a distance just to ‘see each other’. And it’s time-consuming and takes a bit of planning. Right?


I would hope he was sleeping with her as at least then he would have something to show for it. 

I'm taking him at his word that this is all in his head and his own fantasy world that they have this great connection and she is his long lost love. 

I know a lot of people here are looking at it from the adultery perspective, but what I am seeing here is a sad, lonely, pathetic chump being used by two women. One is using him for domestic chores and live-in childcare,,, and the other is using him for ego strokes and emotional tampon.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Dude, you have been denied LIFE for yrs and you went right to someone familiar and she is "perfect"...... This is typical. The woman is married. If she sleeps with you, would that be awesome? Just think, she could then do that to you. 

I recommend you finish off your divorce you should have done 7yrs ago, and mingle for a bit. You are not thinking or feeling clearly.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not sure if you are even in the Friend Zone or if you are simply her emotional tampon that she can emotionally vomit on and it strokes her ego to have you there telling her how great she is.
> 
> So at best you are an orbiter that gives her validation that she is still desired....even though she has no desire for you (how do I know she has no desire for you??? ..... because she's not Fing you.)
> 
> ...


It sounds to me like SHE is "spinning plates".


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> It sounds to me like SHE is "spinning plates".


Which ‘she’?

Both perhaps?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Which ‘she’?
> 
> Both perhaps?


Perhaps...

But I just found it interesting that it sounds like HE is trying to monkey-branch, and the married woman he (thinks he) has a connection with is the one spinning plates. Which is the opposite of what everyone says normally happens.

Can you explain, oh Guru of human relationships??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> Perhaps...
> 
> But I just found it interesting that it sounds like HE is trying to monkey-branch, and the married woman he (thinks he) has a connection with is the one spinning plates. Which is the opposite of what everyone says normally happens.


In general I’d say you’re right. 

Although I’m not sure this is a bona fide monkey-swing as IMHO the marriage has been dead for years. 

My take is he is a lonely, pathetic chump that is basically a single man stuck doing domestic duties inside a dead marriage. 

I see him more as a lonely, single guy rather than someone monkey branching from one relationship right into the other. 

I think some of the other posters are seeing this as an infidelity situation since they are technically not divorced yet.

I don’t recognize dead marriages as living entities. 

I do think you are right on the money about the fantasy woman spinning plates. 

The question is whether ‘wife’ is as well and he just doesn’t know it yet.


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