# What makes men happy?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I wanted to get a man's perspective on something. I'm not sure if this is age related or not but my husband is 41 and I think what he is going through may have startd awhile ago and may be a major issues of what is missing in our marriage. I thought it was something between us that was missing...he did too but since I see him pulling away from our children (he's an extremely devoted Dad so this is a big red flag), showing less patience with them I started to wonder that it wasn't me or us, it may be missing in him. I asked him this and he said that yes I could be right and if he knew what was missing, he'd fix it. 

So I told him stop trying to fix it, instead find happiness in every day. I asked him what he wanted and his wants/needs were very simple so I have adjusted and this has improved my happiness as well. We are not unhappy just feel....adrift. 

Much of this seems to be in his head and related to age. He's 41 but is in fantastic shape. He looks 25-30 easily. Actually we both do. Most people are suprised when asked our age (not just my opinion, we've both been regularly carded when ordering alcohol). So I think he is happy with himself physically...or maybe not. I think sexually he is slowing down and isn't 25...no real issues that I would notice but he's hinted that he has noticed some differences in himself and has actually went to see a doctor (big deal for him, he doesn't believe in doctors). I also found by accident some samples of Levitra...

Last night I told him he should look at doing what makes him happy. I asked him what he wanted to do....nothing seemed of interest except to play soccer which he did sign up for but due to a torn muscle is delayed a few weeks. I asked him did he want some alone time, I would take the kids for the weekend and give him the house. He said "what would I do with myself". I asked him how about for the day and again he said "what would I do with myself". 

He does own his own business, its small but successful and he seems fairly contect with that. 

He is someone who has always had a passion since the day I met him. Those passions change...soccer, cars, go-karts, dirt bikes (usually something with speed). He recently lost interest in dirt biking and replaced it with nothing...

Some of the stuff I have planned lately...date night which was dinner and go-karting (this turned out to be a great night, definately felt connected and we had so much fun) are what has given him pleasure. But he seems to not be seeking anything on his own nor does he know what he wants. 

I even ventured so far as to say, did he want to have a relationship with someone else. His answer "I don't think that's what's missing either". I even asked him if he had ever been unfaithful. He said no. Being with someone so long you know when they are telling the truth, he was telling the truth. However, he said "I have had the opportunity". In a way that seemed to me he wanted me to know others were interested.

He said he loves me, and we will always be connected as soul mates, he just feels something is missing and wants to get it back. We have been together for 22 years (married 16) so maybe that is normal but he said it began gradually only a year or two ago. As far as sex still pretty active 2-3/week. He also returns affection I give and initiates it sometimes too. 

He doesn't seem depressed but just exists. Is this a midlife crisis? Or just a normal male ...something. I don't know. 

I just wondered from a male perspective if any of you ever experienced this, what did you do to change it and what can I do to help?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It seems like a mild form of confusion or depression. Maybe he is happy with the status quote too.

Many men suffer from mid-life crisis because their hormones change. That maybe a reason for the samples of Levitra. If he is depressed maybe he doesn't quite feel like the man he was or would like to be.

I think you are doing all the right things. Let him know he can always talk to you too.

draconis


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

draconis said:


> It seems like a mild form of confusion or depression. Maybe he is happy with the status quote too.
> 
> Many men suffer from mid-life crisis because their hormones change. That maybe a reason for the samples of Levitra. If he is depressed maybe he doesn't quite feel like the man he was or would like to be.
> 
> ...



Thanks Draconis. This helps to put things in perspective. Now I guess I understand a little of what men go throw when women's hormones change! I do suspect some mild depression. Well I promised for better or worse and we've enjoyed far more ups than downs. I'll be patient and supportive, thanks for your opinion.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm about to turn 43. The last two years of my life were tremendously stressful. Uncertainty with a job, lack of income was creating serious problems in the household, and an increasing distance between my spouse and I. My son is special needs, age 6, and my daughter is age 2.

I was suffering from anxiety and depression. I did not feel that I had a partner in my wife - and that fixing everything was up to me. 

At the point where I hit the bottom, and nothing made me happy - I fell through to the other side. I stopped thinking in terms of my wife and family - and started focusing solely on me.

I stopped ruminating. I would wonder about what circumstances would make me happy - and just started doing things. I reconnected with friends, that I never had time for previously. I went camping. I took up exercise again (something that I had also convinced myself there wasn't time for.) I dropped over 20 pounds. I started fishing with my old fishing buddy (prior to kids).
Previously, I avoided all of these activities because I believed they would appear to be selfish, and take me away from my job of providing for my family. I also _ruminated_ that I would get flack from my wife for being selfish. The difference now, was that I recognized all of these things were necessary for _me_, and unfortunately, if she thought I was being selfish, I didn't care. 
The best way I can describe my rediscovery of happiness, is that I rediscovered my _independence_ as an individual with needs outside of the family dynamic. I don't think there has been near the negative impact upon my family as I used worry about. 

It sounds like you and your husband have significantly more balance in your relationship than was the case with my wife and I. The fact that you are being _proactive_ in helping him, from my perspective, is incredibly valuable. I wish you well.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Deejo,
You describe almost exactly what he is going through. Although he has a partner in me, I tell him we are a team and can fix anything together and I'll support whatever he wants to do. Your response has been very helpful and provided me some insight in to a very complex situation. While we have some similarities (some financial stress he owns his own business which is either feast or famine both stress him) and a 4 year old with some health issues. My husband stopped having interest in anything including the kids. Don't get me wrong he loves them and provides but no longer enjoys them. This is so unlike him. Also he has always had some hobby he liked to do. I encouraged him to find something, try several things until something sparks his interest. He did get start working out and says that makes him feel good so I've encouraged him to keep up (I also started on a routine about a month ago so I hope we can encourage each other), I've suggested boys' night out, go out by himself if he wants. Anyway....I think I will take some of that advice myself and develop some new interests, might be a good distraction meantime.


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