# Confused...need advice



## Hopeful_J

My husband and I have been separated for just over a year, and he asked me to sign divorce paperwork a couple of months ago. During the entire period of time that we've been separated, my husband has been extremely distant emotionally (we still saw each other when we would pick up or drop off our daughter with each other, and he would always be sure to make that time brief, rarely even saying "hello"), and he acted as though he absolutely despised me everytime we were near each other. He even admitted that he was being mean to me, and said that he wasn't trying to be, but that he just wasn't interested in having anything to do with me, other than what was absolutely necessary to care for our daughter (even then, he never updated me on anything, including appointments with the pediatrician, when she took her first steps, etc), even though I always filled him in on anything I thought was important. I absolutely can say that his obvious anger toward me during the separation was deserved, for the most part. The unraveling of our marriage was due to numerous mistakes I made throughout our time together. Until last year, I'd always fought a battle within myself, due to a combination of severe depression and and inability to be honest with myself and others. My husband begged me to get professional help time and time again, but I never realized how desperately I needed help, and how much I was hurting him (as well as everyone else in my life) until he announced tearfully that he'd been pushed over the edge, and he wanted a separation. This was when I finally got the wakeup call that finally got me to admit to myself that I did, in fact, need help. Since then, I've become a new person, and I'm not just saying this to myself for the sake of trying to please others. Those around me have noticed a huge difference in me, and I feel amazing. Even my physical health has drastically improved. Also, I've lost the desire to be dishonest, and there's no effort involved. So, here's when I get to what's been confusing me. Being that my husband had been so emotionally distant and cold with me, I had been doing my best to accept that this marriage really is over, though I still hadn't been able to fully accept it yet, but I was doing fairly well. However, I recently noticed that my husband is talking to me again, and he's not only talking to me, he's being...nice. He had been so angry and untrusting with me that, starting in November of last year, he was barely letting me see our daughter, and he always "required" the visits to be brief and supervised. This past Sunday, he let me be alone with her! Plus, she turns 2 tomorrow (the 21st), and his grandparents from NJ are arriving on the same day as my sister from OR. My family is having a small get-together on Friday night in Boston (2 hours away). I wanted to take my daughter, but my husband's mother said that our daughter needs to be around to visit with her great grandparents from NJ all weekend, as she didn't want our daughter going to Boston with me (I don't think she's been too fond of me since the separation). At first, my husband flat-out told me that I couldn't take our daughter to Boston on Friday, but then got back in touch with me, apologized, and said that he'd talk to his mom to try and work something out so that our daughter could share her time with both families, as it was a fair compromise. Not only was this nice of him (unusual behavior, given how he's been during the last year), but it means he's once again trusting me on my own with our daughter (and he even called his mother and got her to change her plans for the weekend, which also isn't typical behavior, given the way he's acted for the last year). He also asked about getting a couple of toy boxes that I was keeping at a storage unit, and we met there (just the two of us), and chatted and joked around while looking through the storage unit. He even stopped to talk about his new job for a few minutes before we went our seperate ways, and I noticed that he totally looks right into my eyes now when we talk, instead of at the floor, like he used to when he was still so angry. Plus, he never used to answer the phone when I called or respond to my texts, and he now answers his phone almost every time I call, and he responds to my texts immediately. A couple of months ago, I asked if I could come over and talk to him, and he tentatively agreed. I read out loud a letter I'd written him that really stated an honest statement about what's been going on in my life for the last year, and I filled him in on things from the time that we were together that I thought was important (things I'd become aware of that I never realized then, such as things I'd never thanked him for, even small, stupid things) for him to hear, things about my past that I'd come to realize about myself, etc. One of the things I thanked him for, actually, was for leaving. I told him that all I'd ever wanted for him was happiness, and I had come to realize that staying with the person I had become during our marriage wasn't someone who could provide that for him, and I also told him that I admired his strength and courage, as I knew that leaving was hard. I knew that part of why he was leaving was for the safety of his family (he knew that it was the only chance that I'd get help, it was the only way he could get himself out of a detrimental situation, and he knew that our daughter just couldn't be in an environment where there was so much misery). Part of me wonders if that conversation woke him up to the fact that, if he allowed himself to open his eyes, he'd see that the person he was so angry with, that had hurt him so deeply, didn't exist anymore. Who knows. Here's my question... Am I jumping to conclusions by thinking that my husband may be having thoughts about a possible reconciliation? I have this fear that I just want to reconcile badly enough that I'm just reading too deeply into things. However, everything that I've written is true, no exaggerations. My other fear is that he just wants to be friends, and that I could be misreading those signs, as well. Maybe he's happy about something else, and is being nice to me because of that? I did ask him a couple months ago about hanging out sometime, and he flat out told me "no", with a tone of voice that sounded like I was asking him if he'd be interested in committing a mass murder. When I asked about it casually the other day (unfortuately, he was in a rush, and I didn't know that when I asked), he said he wasn't sure, and that we could talk about it later (again, he was in a rush), but his voice didn't sound somber or angry at all like it did previously. Please help me...I'm going crazy trying to figure this out. Opinions??


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## cantletgo

One step at a time. Try not to over analyze his words or actions, just accept that things are better between the two of you, regardless of wether or not you reconcile. From what I have gathered from other posts on here, reconciliation is a long road, but it starts with small steps. I hope that you can come back together, but in the mean time just keep up with the improvements you've made to yourself, and continue to keep the lines of communication open with your H. But try not to rush things or start asking "where is this going?". Good luck to you.


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