# DESPERATELY SEEKING ADVICE women's advice preferred men can also reply.



## askquest (Nov 21, 2010)

Dear All,
I really need your advice on this Subject as this is something I have had an issue over with my wife since last 2 years since we have been married. 

We currently live in a flat share in London which is shared between us, her brother and a 3rd person. 

Our Financial Situations are:

I earn £1200 per month. (My basic full time Job) 
And I also have another part time (uncertain income from this self employment) which is variable. This is something I do in my free time and is something I would like to be able to do full time possibly in the future for better financial prospects – My Career Plan. 

Out of which, I pay

1)	As of now I am paying for our share of the Rent

2)	Our share of Bills & other house hold expenses etc - Majority of them. 

3)	My travelling to work. (Normally TAXI – Reason: I work night shifts 12 hours from 8pm to 8am [4 on and 4 off] and when I come back from work I spend time working on and looking for other opportunities and my part time self employment. So by the time I go to bed it is almost noon or sometimes 1pm and then go to sleep for 5-6 hours and wake up at 7pm and go to work again. The only reason I take a taxi to work is because I AM TIRED and I TRY TO SLEEP TILL AS LATE AS I CAN TO GET ENOUGH REST and as I DO NOT WANT TO BE LATE TO WORK) 

4)	Occasionally going out Restaurants etc with wife and sometimes socialising with friends (if at all THIS IS only for networking purposes to get more work for myself employment)

5)	PLEASE NOTE: I used to pay for a property I had bought 2 years prior to our marriage until 1 year and a half after our marriage – which she doesn’t want me to pay as this money according to her could be used for us so I have stopped paying for the last 6 months – Which she doesn’t want to believe. 
And she earns: £1000 per month (Her Basic Full time Job)

Out of which, She pays

1)	Her travelling to work.

2)	She needs to support her family (brother) abroad financially. 

3)	And support her brother here who lives with us occasionally now and again with his Rent and other expenses (Reason: As he doesn’t have much luck everywhere he goes to work and has changed over 5 jobs in the last 2 years unfortunately.)

4)	Rarely but only since recently in some house hold precisely grocery shopping from the Sainsbury’s. 

5)	Her monthly shopping for clothes etc (She loves fashion and clothes etc) and there hasn’t been a single month she doesn’t buy anything.

6)	And I am not sure if something is left with her or no after all this. If at all there is she probably needs to support her Mom as well sometimes.

*QUESTION:

1)	Who is at wrong in this relationship and why?

2)	Is it wrong for me to expect/ask for support from my ‘‘WIFE’’ in finances or is a wife?

3)	And if I do earn some extra money from my other work which is not regular (self employment) in my free time; do I don’t have the right to keep this for my Parents (Retired and Aged like hers as well) for my personal aspirations, for emergencies, for spending on myself or even if I pay for a financial commitment – my property – which I am into 2years prior to our marriage is there anything wrong in that?

4)	What is your advice for us as a couple and for me?*


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I know where your money goes, when it comes to her money it gets a little cloudy. I find it commendable that you two are supporting 5 family members. What I would do is this:

1. Request to her that you both begin placing all your receipts in one place. Many people do that for year-end tax reasons. Take a couple of minutes each week to list those receipts into two categories: Wants and Needs.

2. Create a detailed list by yourself to find out exactly how much you need to begin catching up on the property, to help your parents, and to keep your head above above water for the month. You will probably find it's a much smaller amount than it feels like to you right now.

3. When you get a number in your hand of how much you need, ask her if she can handle her picking up that amount until your self employment business takes off.

No it isn't wrong for her to help you out financially it just sounds wrong when you say it that way. You are married and should be pooling your money to make your lives easier.

Once you get this issue resolved, try taking time each month to sit down together and itemize how much is coming in and how much is going out, it will give you both a better perspective on the household finances.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Honestly, it sounds to me like you're both wrong in one way or another. You're wrong to not pay for the property you bought; I don't know if they do it the same there as they do in the States, but you could have major problems from that down the road. 

She's wrong in looking at this as basically "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine." She wants you to use all your money on "joint" expenses, so she can spend all her money essentially on herself. Some of it goes to her family, yes, but they're her family, so it goes under the category of her. 

Personally, if this were my relationship, what would happen is all of our money would be pooled, and then all of our money would be used for the household expenses, family support, etc. that is needed. Out of what is left at the end, we would each get a certain amount that we could then spend however we wish - for her, on her shopping, for you, on your business or whatever. And if she complains that it's not enough, then she needs to seriously scale back on her shopping. 

One other thought...I don't know what kind of business you're doing on your own, but I know a lot of people tend to reinvest their earnings from the business into the business until it takes off. Are you doing that? If you're not, and it's the type of business that you can do that, I would. It'll help you get it off the ground quicker, and it will also eliminate that question of whether or not you need to share it with her or can keep it for yourself. It's not necessarily a solution, but at least it delays that question for a while.


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## askquest (Nov 21, 2010)

hi thanks for the reply but she believes that it is the MAN/ the GUY /THE HUSBAND WHO PAY FOR EVERY THING 

IS THIS FAIR? 

I FEEL THAT INDIRECTLY I AM SUPPORTING HER FAMILY (indirectly)


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## askquest (Nov 21, 2010)

hi thanks for the reply but she believes that it is the MAN/ the GUY /THE HUSBAND WHO PAY FOR EVERY THING 

IS THIS FAIR? 

I FEEL THAT INDIRECTLY I AM SUPPORTING HER FAMILY.


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## askquest (Nov 21, 2010)

hi thanks for the reply but she believes that it is the MAN/ the GUY /THE HUSBAND WHO PAY FOR EVERY THING 

IS THIS FAIR? 

I FEEL THAT INDIRECTLY I AM SUPPORTING HER FAMILY.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Hey askquest, I am guessing that you and your wife are from a more traditional society, from an African country maybe? Let me know if I am right.

I believe that if you are living in London it would be very hard and very unfair to expect one person to carry the burden. She needs to contribute, even if this is not how her culture works in your home country.


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## askquest (Nov 21, 2010)

she is north african and I am indian


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

askquest said:


> she is north african and I am indian


It is difficult when one or both of you has been brought up to believe that it is the man's job to provide for the woman, but that just isn't going to work in a place like London where, normally, both partners need to work in order to maintain a reasonable standard of living. 

She is going to have to adapt to the situation and make her contribution.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I think you need to stop focusing on who is "wrong." Figuring out who is right isn't going to solve anything for you...It's just going to make one of you feel even more smug and the other feel even more defensive and stubborn. I would suggest some counseling, because these differing opinions could largely be due to cultural differences or upbringing. Your current situation seems stressful for the both of you though, so maybe if you each revise your expectations and agree on a budget together, some problems can get fixed? I'm sorry you're under so much stress!


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## askquest (Nov 21, 2010)

lime said:


> I think you need to stop focusing on who is "wrong." Figuring out who is right isn't going to solve anything for you...It's just going to make one of you feel even more smug and the other feel even more defensive and stubborn. I would suggest some counseling, because these differing opinions could largely be due to cultural differences or upbringing. Your current situation seems stressful for the both of you though, so maybe if you each revise your expectations and agree on a budget together, some problems can get fixed? I'm sorry you're under so much stress!


i wsh this could be resolved. but things seem to be getting worst.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Can the two of you negotiate the division of expenses? You may be able to have both of you see money issues on mutual terms if you do this. In my article:  50-50 Marriage, I explain effective negotiations within a marriage. In my article,  How to Save a Marriage, I go into many marriage communication and relationship equity/fulfillment issues. I hope that your money disagreements do work out where everyone involved is satisfied.


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## seekinghelpnow (Apr 8, 2012)

My opinion, but I do not have a perfect marriage, is money earned is money shared, regardless of how it is obtained.


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## faithsway (Aug 28, 2012)

I had my Son 2 years ago. I stopped working when i was 7 months pregnant; due to some medical issues i developed while pregnant.
I had preeclampsia, Gestational diabetes, High Blood Pressure, and Congestive heart Failure.
I thank God I am alive, but i am now managing some of the medical problem i developed.

My husband has been taking care of most of our bills, except for medical bills for me and my son. Also, he said since i am a stay at home mom, i do not need anything, except for food and a roof over my head. He finds it difficult to buy food in the house, because he claims he cannot afford buying food because he owes a lot of debt. (He is in Debt Settlement).
I am from another country (Nigeria). Most of the debt my husband owes he incurred them before i got here to the United States. I got to the United States in 2009.
I found out he added my name in his debt settlement, because I am his wife.

Whenever I tried to get a job my husband is always against it, he said, there is no way for me to get to the job, since we have just one car. And that is the car he takes to work.
Also, he said taking our son to day care costs a lot of money which means all the money I will be making will go straight to paying for day care. So it is useless for me to get a job. And it makes sense for me to be a stay at home mom with a roof over my head and food.

I got admission into Kaplan university to Study business Administration online (Bachelor’s degree), but my husband discouraged me from going further with my studies, so I cancelled my admission, the reason is because, the school fees is $66.000. (Sixty Six thousand dollars). I qualified for financial aid, but it is not enough to cover the school fees. Financial aid is $5,500 for a year. That means by the time I complete my degree program, I will get about $22,000 financial aid, but I will be left to pay the remaining $ 44,000. This scared me so much and I had to drop out from the program.
I do not have any money of my own. How do I pay for college? Although I am told I do qualify for student loan, but thinking of $44,000 in debt scared me so bad.

Concerning acquiring a car, I told my husband we should stop paying for cable, which is $199 a month (Cable, Internet and home phone). I told him we should only get home phone and internet. We can watch regular TV until I get a job to start supporting him. But he refused. He told me that since I only have my learners permit, he cannot afford to add me in his insurance
My husband makes $2500 a month.

I have health issues, and I do not have health Insurance. My son does not have Health insurance too.
I am so confused. I feel I am in a hole and I have no way out.
My husband works 5 days a week. When he is off he just wants to relax and later in the evening go to the store to shop for the week. Shopping for food is the only recreation I and my son have.
I am losing my mind. I do not know what to do, Wherever I turn there is always a blockade. Please I need some advice or I will lose my mind.
I can’t even go to church because I do not have a ride. I have lost interest in watching TV or just sitting around. I and my husband no longer make love for the past 10 months, because I think he has lost interest in me, even when I talked to him about it, he told me he has so much on his mind.
My husband owes about $20,000 in debt.
Please some body advises me on what to do to change this situation, because it seems there is no way out.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

seekinghelpnow said:


> My opinion, but I do not have a perfect marriage, is money earned is money shared, regardless of how it is obtained.


:iagree::iagree:
This is what we do in our marriage.

The only time I think a man should pay for everything is if the male earns much more income than the wife. This works if the wife makes more as well.

For example, if a wife makes $30,000 and the husband makes $100,000 it is only fair that the husband pay for 95% of the household expenses. The wife in this example can put some of her income in savings for the couple in case there is a financial emergency.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

askquest said:


> hi thanks for the reply but she believes that it is the MAN/ the GUY /THE HUSBAND WHO PAY FOR EVERY THING
> 
> IS THIS FAIR?
> 
> I FEEL THAT INDIRECTLY I AM SUPPORTING HER FAMILY.


1) The notion of the husband paying for everything was based on an old implied social contract of marriage, where the man was out in the world earning a living for the family while the wife stayed home raising the family and running the household. That's not the model that you are living, with both of you working full time.

2) You are helping to support her family. That's not inherently good or bad, but it is a fact.

I agree wholeheartedly with lime. As long as you focus on "who's to blame", you're not fixing things. Face it, you're both wrong, because you have different expectations of each other that you did not communicate clearly earlier in your marriage. Now, you need to come to a common understanding of your roles and responsibilities, or your marriage will not survive. 

If you're not able to talk about it without devolving into a blame game, counseling would be the best option.


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## niamarielove (Mar 28, 2013)

Does she know how you feel? Talk to her. I think it's insane what you two are doing, maybe you should make sure you and your wife (with wife's help)are financially secure before you try helping others. It's tough love but what if because of all this helping you two end up in debt? Communicate with her and if she doesn't agree stop funding her retail therapy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is living in the 1950s. When she is ready to join you in the 21st Century, have her give you a call.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

As a woman, I don't think she's being realistic. I didn't answer the poll because I think looking at it as who's wrong and who's right isn't helpful. Neither of you make a lot of money which makes it commendable that you are each helping your families. The problem here is that you both need to think of yourselves as a team. You need to communicate, communicate, communicate in a loving, "We are a team" kind of way to brainstorm how the two of you can pool your money and have both your needs met. You may find that you have enough money for your wife to buy clothes, or she may have to prioritize and choose - money to her family, or clothing every month. Maybe she still gets to buy clothes but there is a smaller budget for it. But you lay it all out on paper and as a team say, "Does this budget align with our mutual goals? If not, how can we adjust it?" And if she's not willing to have that discussion, you've got a bigger problem. 

I think you have to pay for your property or sell it but stopping payments can't be an option. Taxis are expensive. Are there NO other alternatives?


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