# How to reconcile splitting the kids?



## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

WS wants a divorce because we're "incompatible" and he only found this out after he had an EA 7 years into our marriage. The way he's been behaving and the **** he's been saying has turned me off of him completely, so relationship wise, I'm fine with us not being together anymore. However, I'm having the hardest time realizing that I will not be there for a lot of events in my little one's life. I cannot get over that I will not be there for firsts, and some weekends, and some Christmasses, etc. How on earth do you deal with that? Any tips? By nature of our relationship, it's going to be about impossible to be together in the same state on certain holidays since I'm sure when it's his holiday he'll take him to visit his family in another state. And the idea of not being there for my little one's first bowling game, and his first Christmas as a 3 year old when he would actually kind of understand, etc is killing me. How do you work this out?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

No one?


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

How many kids are involved and why is it you are going to be missing milestones? Are these step kids?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Sorry for the late reply. One kid. Mine. Stbx doesn't want us spending time together since he 'doesn't love me' and makes a point of doing things with the boy now without me. So he takes him to his first movie/bike ride etc without me. And it's killing me. Christmas will be one year with me and one with him and we both have family on opposite ends of the world and according to him the plan is one year at my family's and one year at his. So we'll be both missing out on this. But he seems more ok with it than I am.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I don’t know how parents deal with this, but I’ll move your thread up. maybe someone else can help.

Take care.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Will you 2 be living far apart?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You learn to deal with it. There will be firsts that you have with him that is father will not be part of.

What we did was to make sure that for most holidays we both saw your son.

One of us would have him the 5 days before Christmas and until 10 am Christmas morning. the other would have him the rest of christmas day and the 5 days after.

His birthday was split, one of us had him in the morning, the other in the afternoon.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You still get firsts, it will be the first "with you." You can celebrate a birthday or Christmas any day you chose, in any manner you and your son want. Your son will see two parents that love him enough to make the effort, which is huge. That doesn't mean you spoil him, but you let him know that riding bikes, birthdays, time together, will always matter. Rejoice in what he does, including fun things he does with his father. Growing up, we always took turns at the holidays-one year with one side of the family, the next with the other. That way we learned different family customs and traditions. And never, never mention to you child that you feeel you are missing out. All of thisis new to you and it will become easier.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

It's hard, I remember when it all first started for me, my ex took the kids to her parents and told me "you can see them on every other weekend". Out of all the chaos in my head, that was the one thing I knew I would never let happen. After a false R, I told her I was going to keep the kids while she looked for work and got settled. Eventually I initiated a 1 week rotation once she was able to care for them.

Even then, on the 1 week I didn't have them, I still acted as a baby sitter while she was at work but those weekends when I didn't have them (and even the evenings when she picked them up) were so very hard.

Now, we do a 2 week rotation (due to my work) and eventually learned to occupy myself when I don't have them. Admittedly, this Easter when I didn't have them was hard. Even a year into this entire thing, but it's natural.

As for the 'first' situation. YOU make your own firsts with your little man. It doesn't matter what your ex does and I urge you to try and drop any sort of 'competition' mentality you may have. Enjoy the time you have with him and make it your own, as that is what he will remember in the end and they can feel the underlying tension of trying to 'one up' each other.

Be it from your ex, or you.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Thanks everyone. Sorry I saw these a little late. This is the hardest part for me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It is difficult. However, that's part of households splitting up and it has to be endured since it can't be changed.

Be strong. You *will *get through it.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

This is the hardest part of divorce/separation, in my opinion.

We are alternating holidays. So the plan is - one year it will be HER Christmas. The next year MY Christmas. HER Spring break. MY Spring break. Summer holidays will be separate - but at least the kids have a long enough break so we don't have to alternate years. It sucks - but there is not much you can do about it if you are sharing custody.

The key is to make the most of your time with your kids. Make it quality time. Also make sure you have an understanding with your ex that for matters like discipline, curfew (if they're teenagers) etc - you will be in 100% agreement. Nothing is worse than ex's trying to win favour with the kids by undermining actual parenting. That is the ONE positive with my ex - we agree that we are a united front when it comes to discipline and rules.

Also - I keep in touch with my kids when they're not with me via phone/text. 

For holidays - make sure that you are doing something when the kids are with your ex. Don't stay at home moping. My stbxw took the kids away after Christmas last year - so I had to ring in the New Year without them for the first time. I made sure that I was out with friends so that it wasn't as depressing. I took the kids to Mexico for Spring break (brought my daughter's best friend to round out the foursome). My stbxw flew home overseas to see her friends/family (note: she didn't contact the kids ONCE during her two week vacation. Not ONCE - but that's typical of her).

Be strong and you'll get through it. I don't know if it's something you ever get used to though. I didn't sign up to be a part-time parent so it's really tough to adjust - but you have to.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

C-man said:


> This is the hardest part of divorce/separation, in my opinion.
> 
> We are alternating holidays. So the plan is - one year it will be HER Christmas. The next year MY Christmas. HER Spring break. MY Spring break. Summer holidays will be separate - but at least the kids have a long enough break so we don't have to alternate years. It sucks - but there is not much you can do about it if you are sharing custody.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I'm struggling so much with this. I appreciate all the responses.


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