# Moving on from Past Relationship Issues



## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

I broke up with my ex about two months ago. We have 2 kids.. married 6 years. He was pretty devastated, but was able to stay positive enough to continue raising our kids together in the house, while we waited for it to sell. It did sell, and we move very soon.

He's been sleeping on the couch and respecting my space, which i appreciate. He and I have been able to be fairly open about our separation, and it's built a better foundation for co-parenting and friendship.

I've had a co-worker show some interest in me since he's found out about my break up. We've been texting here and there, and it makes me feel excited and confident. My ex, obviously, doesn't know about any of it; it just seems unnecessary to tell him. And there has been nothing but flirty text messages with my co-worker. I'm actually finding myself really horrified of moving things further along with this guy... I mean, first of all, I haven't even moved out; (moving day is next weekend) .. and coming from a 6 year, sexless, boring relationship... I"m horrified of sleeping with... or even being intimate with anyone right now.

My gut is telling me to hold off because I obviously need to work on myself. I'm using this guy as a confidence booster; a feel good feeling on the nights when i feel lonely. I don't like that I'm doing that.. it's not fair to either of us. I'm kind of leading him on, because I don't know if I can actually get close to him at this point, but I enjoy his compliments and enjoy flirting! (I haven't flirted in years) 

I guess I"m asking... what do I do? How to I build my confidence up after being shut down for so many years? The guy I'm talking with is saying that we can just be friends, and he's being very kind and courteous.. but, there are things between the lines.. and once and while, he'll make an intimate comment. Should I just stop talking to him?

This part of the split is so hard. I'm feeling ready to be on my own, and I can't wait to get into my new place. I can't wait for the freedom. But... I'm noticing that I'm becoming afraid of the loneliness. .. and nervous about future relationships or intimacy.
With my ex, intimacy was met with a wall. When I opened up, I got shut down.. and that uncertainty is coming out with this new guy. I'm starting to SEE my "damaged" heart exposing itself... as odd as that is to say. I don't want to be an untrusting and skeptical person.. but I'm finding myself really nervous to open myself up.

Any suggestions?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Well, it is kind of soon to want to dip your toes into another relationship when only 2 months ago you were married with kids. You are technically separated, so if your communication with you future XH is that good, and you really want to dip your toes into dating again; simply let him know that for all intent and purposes you two are free to seek companionship in another. 

You may be feeling very lonely and your needs may have not been met for a long time. You are free to seek that solace and those needs met. Be honest with your future X and allow him the same courtesy to start moving on as of now too.

Sure, you may get hurt, but it will be a learning curve for you. Make sure you guard your heart and start moving on with your life. If he doesn't want to, that is his choice, but you do need to be honest with him that you are indeed seeking others. 

You don't have to go into detail, just state that this separation means divorce is imminent and third parties will be introduced into the mix sooner than later.

Good luck and happy hunting in your new single status. Live and learn so that you have a healthy, steady, relationship with the next partner whenever the right one comes into your life!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@flyhigher I agree with much of what Bibi1031 said.

I would not take it any further with this guy. Ever hear the phrase, "Don't **** where you eat"? In other words, don't have sex with your co-workers! It's just a really bad idea.

But also... you need to take some time to heal. I know that you are starved for emotional and physical attention. I was in a sexless marriage, too, so I've been there. It can be VERY damaging to your self esteem, and you don't want to start making bad decisions out of the gate. Are you seeing an IC? If you're not yet, get a regular IC and start working through some of the damage this marriage has done. You want to get yourself into a better place emotionally and psychologically before you put yourself out there. I would say wait until you get settled in your new life, and get used to being alone first. Figure out who you want to be now that you aren't a wife anymore--but you're still a mother. Decide what you want your life to be, and then go from there.

Personally, I waited until about 8 months after the divorce was finalized before I started dating again. But that's just me. Everyone works on their own time table. Just wait until you're ready. If you think you're ready, wait a few more months to make sure! But also check your laws to make sure that there aren't potential legal ramifications in regards to the divorce if you start dating before it's final. Every state is different.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@flyhigher, beyond the fact that you seriously need time to heal, workplace affairs are just bad news. Why take the risk of dealing with the potential drama that could result, the potential discomfort if things go wrong, especially with all you have going on right now. If you decide you absolutely need a rebound to aid in your progress, look outside of the workplace.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Keke24 said:


> @flyhigher, beyond the fact that you seriously need time to heal, workplace affairs are just bad news. Why take the risk of dealing with the potential drama that could result, the potential discomfort if things go wrong, especially with all you have going on right now. If you decide you absolutely need a rebound to aid in your progress, look outside of the workplace.


Get a different job and then date him.


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

I would say if you already recognize that this co-worker is just a "rebound" I would leave it alone...along with the fact that it's never a good idea to date where you work (or live) - if it goes wrong or he figures out he's just a "rebound" then it could make it extremely unpleasant to be around him. Also, the compliments will turn into something less positive. You never know how small a person can behave until they find out they are being used.

I would wait until you have something positive to give to a relationship before rushing to fill the gap. When the time is right you'll find the man that makes you feel like a million.
My divorce isn't final for another 40 days but I plan to ensure I'm OK before bringing my baggage to someone else's life. 

Remember - no one can make you feel as good about you like you can ... others just accentuate your glow. :grin2:


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