# Coping. .



## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

So it has been over a month now since my wife kissed that other guy in Vegas and I am just having an awful time trying to rid my head of these thoughts and images. I think about it everyday. I check phone records everyday, i check myspace and facebook everyday. And everyday everything comes up clean. I installed a keylogger on the computer even and there is no foul play, nothing even close. I want to believe that it was a huge mistake and she did learn her lesson. I do believe that, truly. But I cannot get this out of my head. Any suggestions from anyone? Please help. Know anything that will help? Thanks.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

You get that out of your head by slowly training yourself to STOP thinking about it. Don't try repress it, make it go away at once. It won't. Rather, take it as an 'experience in life'. Might have been painful but painful stuff does happen sometimes. This does not define your whole life or marriage. If she genuinely said it was a huge mistake and you believe her, and you want to forgive her, then do so. Cheating, just like an earthquake, is out of your control. Both of them are scary, both of them leave you paralyzed and remembering all the details after. Just like in the case of an earthquake, if you realize you can't control anything, you can just let go and move on with your life and not worry about it. Right now, you're in the 'trying to control' phase...with all the e-mails, checking facebook etc. But lemme tell ya something, even if you keep her tied to you with chains you know you can't controll her. A better option is to work on your self esteem and inner strength and not be so afraid of cheating anymore. Slowly give up that control...slowllyyyy learn to trust yourself (first of all) in coping with certain situations that might cause you pain (you'll still feel the pain, but it's important that you know you can handle it) and then you'll naturally start trusting her again too, if she's worth it. Hope this makes sense and good luck.


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## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

Thank you so much, that is EXTREMELY helpful! Thanks.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

I'm glad if it helped you. I keep telling myself the same thing but always forget how to put it in practice .


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## needhelphere (Feb 17, 2010)

Nekko is absolutely right. I know it felt better just to say to my H that I was upset because I didn't choose the behavior and that he needed to understand that I was having to pay the consequences of someone else's actions. That seemed to catch on with him and help him understand what I was feeling and why I grieved.

It's also really hard to realize that you had no control over the behavior in the first place and to realize that you would not be in control should the situation arise for her again. It's like this, and this is also something I said out loud for him to hear--I refuse to live as a babysitter for my husband, watching to make sure he does not get in trouble. Also, he wouldn't want to live with me always looking over his shoulder, and this was a full-blown affair. That's just not what marriage is. You don't want to live in a parent/child relationship with your wife. It's simply not fulfilling. 

I had to get with God and find my peace there as well. There was an overwhelming fear about the unknown, especially in the future. I stayed in my prayer closet (the shower) until I had an answer, and there was a definite answer. I'm not going to share it in this thread because He he may tell you something different. It would be really good for you to talk to him about it. 

The pain does go away, I promise, especially when your SO is remorseful and shows you that. I have to admit, though, at times the images to still appear, and it's been six years. They are less painful, and I brush them away with the thought that it was merely a bad experience in my life and also in my H's life. I'm glad it's in the past. 

Hang in there...the future is coming. I like to tell my kids and H, "Things will change. It's inevitable. It may get better, it may get worse, but it will definitely be different." Sometimes it just hurts being stuck in the present.


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## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

Thank you so much for all of your words. I will try to apply them


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Would you want to be forgiven if you made a mistake? Would you want to be treated like a criminal for the next 10 years if you slipped up and kissed a girl? Of course not. She deserves the same respect and trust that YOU would.


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