# Did I end my marriage and not know it?



## Yellow star (Nov 11, 2012)

I've been married for 7 years. My husband is ten years older then I am over the years I've been by his side and supportive in return I've been verbally abused and my thoughts and feelings have been put down. He has an addiction to his job and has neglected are marriage and most importantly our child. I have detached myself from him about a year and a half ago. I can't bring myself to have sex or even kiss him with out getting sick to my stomach. I feel horrible. Did the counseling thing helped a little but not enough. I moved out for six months and was as happy my daughter loved it. I'm back home with him now and he has made major improvement and I have told him I've noticed and happy with the changes. Unfortunatly I can't seem to reattach. Did I end my marriage?


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## LearningLifeQDay (Oct 20, 2012)

Hello YS. Please give you, your husband, and your child time to adjust. You've all gone through a tramatic experience. Have patience and see how your husband responds. More importantly give yourself some time and see if his 'improvements' spark your desire to remain in your marriage. I hope he has truly modified his behavior and that you can meet him in the middle and mutually grow together. Good luck.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

I think you know the answer to your question. With your child out if the equation - do you want to be with him or not? Remember, children grow up. Also, as we all know, there are three sides to every story - yours, mine, and the truth. I hear plenty about how he's not pulling his weight in the relationship but no ownership of your contributions to the problems. I bet if we asked him about it we'd get a different view of things...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I'm not understanding why you returned to your marriage if being the least bit physical with him makes you ill.Have you been to MC together? Do you spend enough quality time together,one on one,to give yourselves the opportunity to reconnect physically,as well as emotionally? You say you like the changes,but is there a part of you that is harboring thoughts that he won't sustain the changes?


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## Yellow star (Nov 11, 2012)

Yes we went to MC and it helped with communication but at times I'd leave feeling worse then I did walking in. I know I have anger and hurt from the pass I'm trying to deal with. I moved back in thinking that we can work on the marriage. I guess Im wondering if you detach yourself to protect your mental health can you reattach yourself?


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

What exactly does "working on the marriage" mean to you? If you mean let time pass in passivity then that's not working on anything other than watching grass grow. Nothing is going to miraculously change overnight without concerted, willing effort from BOTH of you.


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## Yellow star (Nov 11, 2012)

How true InFlux. I have been trying to spend more time and show an interests in his new hobbie but not in a pushy way. And I'm going to counseling for myself. even durring the time I moved out we dated. So other then that I don't know what to do.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

Not to pry but has there been (or currently) infidelity on either side? Either emotional and/or physical? You don't have to give an answer, but if there is then you really need to ask yourself what exactly do you want? The counseling for yourself is great -- regardless of whether your marriage makes it or not. Is he attending counseling for himself as well?


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## Yellow star (Nov 11, 2012)

I'm not 100% about infidelity but I have seen him in the pass before we had relationship problems looking on CL at singles profile and secretly getting massages. He doesn't feel he needs counseling


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

Yellow star said:


> I'm not 100% about infidelity but I have seen him in the pass before we had relationship problems looking on CL at singles profile and secretly getting massages. He doesn't feel he needs counseling


Then I'd say he's currently checked-out on the marriage. Trolling Craigslist (if that's all he's done) means he's already contemplating a life without you. My sense is there is some deep-seated resentment going on with him, certainly, and probably yourself as well (e.g. you can't stomach the though of having sex with him). Resentment is poison to any relationship. If you really want to work on your marriage you need to sit him down and have a brutally honest conversation about things. When I say "brutally honest" I mean just that. Don't sugarcoat things, tell it how it is. He was a workaholic you said. He's probably doing that because it's easier to work than dealing with the resentment he has about a less than satisfying marriage with you. Men tend to internalize a lot of things...


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## Yellow star (Nov 11, 2012)

If that's the case why would he ask me to work things out?


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

Yellow star said:


> If that's the case why would he ask me to work things out?


Fear most likely. Humans are motivated by love or fear. If he was motivated by love then he wouldn't be trolling craigslist, he would be attending counselling, and would be cutting-back on his work to devote more time to the relationship because he knows it's important to you. The fear he's motivated by currently is up-ending his life, your life, and your child's life by divorce. Since he can't stomach that currently he's throwing-up the white flag of "let's work it out". However, his actions say otherwise. you need to have an honest discussion about whether or not you guys want to really work it out or is it you're just scared about ending a non-functional marriage. Not every relationship is built to last but you need to be honest with yourselves if yours is or isn't....


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## Yellow star (Nov 11, 2012)

Thanks your information is really helpful my plan now is to take time to think about what needs to be addressed and how I need to address him.


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