# Can a trial separation help a marriage?



## tigger01

I am just curious as to the personal opinions/experiences regarding trial separations. 

My husband and I (both Catholic, no children) are going through the most difficult time we have ever gone through in our 17 years of marriage. We both agree that we are not ready to navigate towards divorce, but a lot of issues (pornography - my husband/EA - me) have weakened our marriage, and my love, especially, is not what it used to be. 

I will present this question in counseling, but I am looking for the opinion of others, as well. 

Thank you kindly!


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## 38m3kids

Honestly, IMO it could do either.

For me, I moved out a week after confirming my WW's affair. During this 6 weeks, it gave her more freedom to carry on her texting, etc until everything came crashing down on her. But it also hit her like a ton of bricks when she realized I was moving on with my life and she threw away everything on a fantasy. She came begging and i decided to move back home to give it a try.

My gut tells me that seperation is very dangerous. It could help in the end, but it could also LEAD to the end. For me, it was my ONLY option at that time. Well other than murder! :smthumbup:


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## that_girl

It helped us...but we had no affairs, just hurt feelings and stuff.

It was a 3 month separation and he's been home for 3 months and we're happy. We're rebuilding trust (which is REALLY difficult for me as I've never trusted anyone...which caused a lot of our issues) and we're recommitted to this marriage. 

I don't know if it would have worked if there was cheating going on...that makes things so messy.


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## Entropy3000

tigger01 said:


> I am just curious as to the personal opinions/experiences regarding trial separations.
> 
> My husband and I (both Catholic, no children) are going through the most difficult time we have ever gone through in our 17 years of marriage. We both agree that we are not ready to navigate towards divorce, but a lot of issues (pornography - my husband/EA - me) have weakened our marriage, and my love, especially, is not what it used to be.
> 
> I will present this question in counseling, but I am looking for the opinion of others, as well.
> 
> Thank you kindly!


Just my opinion I think in most cases a separation is there for one spouse of the other to have an open marriage. That it is to ease into a divorce. You really cannot work on a marriage, IMHO when you are separated.

Have you gone total NC with your AP? How long ago was this?


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## that_girl

Ah, but you can work on the marriage while apart. Unless, of course, there is an affair.


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## Entropy3000

that_girl said:


> Ah, but you can work on the marriage while apart. Unless, of course, there is an affair.


I will take your word for it. I can see it being positive if it is a chance to start dating each other again in a comitted way. No doubt it is another one of those it depends situations. Like many things in life it has to be a risk versus rewards deal. I agree that the real red flag for me would be the affair part.


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## This is me

tigger01 said:


> I am just curious as to the personal opinions/experiences regarding trial separations.
> 
> My husband and I (both Catholic, no children) are going through the most difficult time we have ever gone through in our 17 years of marriage. We both agree that we are not ready to navigate towards divorce, but a lot of issues (pornography - my husband/EA - me) have weakened our marriage, and my love, especially, is not what it used to be.
> 
> I will present this question in counseling, but I am looking for the opinion of others, as well.
> 
> Thank you kindly!


We are 17 years married, Catholic, no kids and seperated 2 months. She may have had an EA at work. Very similar situation. We did not agree to the seperation, she just walked.

I believe at this point, it has hurt our chances to save the marriage more than helped. She is still not certain and only has contibuted about 10% to efforts to repair, while I have been committed to working on it 100%. We are in MC which only seems to be slightly helping at this point.

The thing to consider and I see as the biggest stumbling block with repairing from this seperation is that the whole world now knows about our marriage issue. Before it was contained to only one of my family members and about a half dozen of her family and friends. 

Both have large families and many intertwined friends from growing up in the same area and parish. And the stories grow taller on down the line.....I think that is from a song.

My advice would be that if both are truly committed to try and repair the marriage is to do your best to contain who knows and allow space in the same environment to work on change. Both need to change and work on it, not just one.

I wish you both the best!


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## tigger01

38m3kids said:


> For me, I moved out a week after confirming my WW's affair. During this 6 weeks, it gave her more freedom to carry on her texting, etc until everything came crashing down on her. But it also hit her like a ton of bricks when she realized I was moving on with my life and she threw away everything on a fantasy. She came begging and i decided to move back home to give it a try.


Where did you spend those six weeks?


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## tigger01

This is me said:


> We are 17 years married, Catholic, no kids and seperated 2 months. She may have had an EA at work. Very similar situation. We did not agree to the seperation, she just walked.
> 
> I believe at this point, it has hurt our chances to save the marriage more than helped. She is still not certain and only has contibuted about 10% to efforts to repair, while I have been committed to working on it 100%. We are in MC which only seems to be slightly helping at this point.
> 
> The thing to consider and I see as the biggest stumbling block with repairing from this seperation is that the whole world now knows about our marriage issue. Before it was contained to only one of my family members and about a half dozen of her family and friends.
> 
> Both have large families and many intertwined friends from growing up in the same area and parish. And the stories grow taller on down the line.....I think that is from a song.
> 
> My advice would be that if both are truly committed to try and repair the marriage is to do your best to contain who knows and allow space in the same environment to work on change. Both need to change and work on it, not just one.
> 
> I wish you both the best!


Your story hits too close to home, and I'm sorry for what you and your wife are going through, but sadly, I could be her!

Despite all her confusion, would you have prefered that she stay within the home? Personally, I feel that some time apart would be best for both my husband and me. My misery and unhappiness is making it just as difficult for him.


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## tigger01

There is still a big part of me that feels that some time apart would be a good thing. 

The truth is, long before I reconnected with this person from my past, our marriage just "existed." The intimacy, despite my asking for (intimacy) and questioning why (he had no interest), dwindled down to nothing. This reconnection with this OM was done in a very innocent way; however, I think it lit a spark that had been missing for so long. I have been honest in saying to my husband that this OM is someone I wouldn't leave him for, but this EA has left me very, very confused. I have pretty much discontinued all communication with this OM, but I just do not know what I want anymore. Do I want to save my marriage, or do I want to move on?

My husband, despite all that he knows about this OM and the many things difficult things that I have had to express to him (the fact that I don't love him like I used to, etc.), is willing to do what he can to save our marriage. I, however, feel like I checked out a while ago, but I'm not ready to make such a final decision as divorce. My concern, also, remains the porn, because we have been down this same road many times throughout our marriage. "Saving the marriage" means that he has gotten rid of the porn, but this has happened before, and I know that it will resurface again.

I just feel as if our being apart will allow both of us the time to really think about things. I'm not going to lie in that I DO still think about this OM, and maybe that's something I need to think about too. As far as getting involved with him while apart from my husband? I DO KNOW that that would be a tremendous mistake, and would only make matters ten times worse! He does live 100+ miles away, so for that I am thankful.

Please provide some insight to my more recent thoughts. As always, thank you in advance! Any input is so greatly appreciated, because this is a very foreign chapter in my life and it’s rather scary to feel this restless/confused.


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## This is me

tigger01 said:


> Your story hits too close to home, and I'm sorry for what you and your wife are going through, but sadly, I could be her!
> 
> Despite all her confusion, would you have prefered that she stay within the home? Personally, I feel that some time apart would be best for both my husband and me. My misery and unhappiness is making it just as difficult for him.


I still believe we would have been better off together in the same house with bounderies. The other thing is we can not work on the relationship with us only seeing each other once a week for a couple hours.

We are both adjusting to being apart and I fear that we are both getting much more comfortable in our new lives. This means we may eventually still divorce and have that pain to deal with ontop of the months of limbo.

Limbo sucks, plain and simple. I can't move on and we are not working on it. She is not happy either, but still does not want to move forward or back. This is no life.

I am a true believer that you work at it and if you can't repair it then you part ways. I remember reading somewhere that only 10% of seperations reconcile. Might as well move on.


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## This is me

EA's are marriage busters. My WAW had her male co-worker as a confidant on our marriage. Younger, handsome, interesting...We were very happy before she started with the lunches and coffee breaks. It broke that special connection that a husband and wife should only share between each other. 

I would say anyone that has these EA relationships should be honest with their spouses and give them the option to divorce right then and there.


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## StrongerNow

It's helping my H and me and I had the PA. Haters on here tell you it's only to have an open marriage but that isn't our case at all. It's actually KEPT me married. We are getting along better now but you do have to be responsible about the "space"


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## spudster

"My husband, despite all that he knows about this OM and the many things difficult things that I have had to express to him (the fact that I don't love him like I used to, etc.), is willing to do what he can to save our marriage."

You are in the fog Tigger, and you are menatlly re-writing the history of your marriage. I don't know how far along you have gotten in this EA with the OM, but you need to pull back on the reigns and reevaluate what you are doing to your husband. Okay so he's not perfect, he watches porn (probably because you do have sex with him enough) , he does a hundred other little things that tick you off. He could probably come up with a list of items a mile long about you too. You're not perfect. All that "Ilove you but I'm not in love with you" stuff is female narcissitic nonsense. You're emotional detachment from your husband did not occur "long before" you started up the EA with the OM, it happened the minute you engaged with the OM. He told you how wonderful you are, how special you are, and how your husband is a slimeball who no longer deserves you. OM has told you every thing you want to hear. Do you want to know why he's telling you these things? To get down your pants, plain and simple. He's a guy. He could care less about your feelings or your marriage. And now he has brainwashed you into believing you no longer love your husband. Jeeesh you're a fish!

My advice to you is to dump this clown now, before you get in so far over your head that there will be no coming back. If you want to separate from your husband then do so, but do not date anyone while the separation is underway, and your husband should not date either. That is adultery (well, what you are doing now is adultery), but if at the end of the separation you realise you do not love your husband, then get a divorce. Again, do not go out dating or sleeping with another man until the divorce is final. Grow up !! The father of your children deserves better.


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## nice777guy

I was told by multiple people on this board that a woman looking for "space" is looking for a way out.

And - based on my experience - I now agree with those people.


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## calif_hope

Trigger,

You are in a fog and looking for an easy out. 
You need to get the OM 100% out of you life and that means absolutely no contact what so ever, none. Your statement "your grateful that he is 100 miles away" says a lot, right beneath your surface you're willing to explore something more with the other man.

Go in or go out, reconcile with your husband or don't, simple. The limbo you have your husband in is cruel, and that is on top of your affair.....how much pain are you willing to put him through for his selfishness.

As regards to the porn - it is either an addiction for him or a product of something lacking in your marriage (not all your burden). If it is an addiction, their is professional help.....if it is a result of your relationship, a good MC can help resolve that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kevinb

tigger01 said:


> There is still a big part of me that feels that some time apart would be a good thing.
> 
> The truth is, long before I reconnected with this person from my past, our marriage just "existed." The intimacy, despite my asking for (intimacy) and questioning why (he had no interest), dwindled down to nothing. This reconnection with this OM was done in a very innocent way; however, I think it lit a spark that had been missing for so long. I have been honest in saying to my husband that this OM is someone I wouldn't leave him for, but this EA has left me very, very confused. I have pretty much discontinued all communication with this OM, but I just do not know what I want anymore. Do I want to save my marriage, or do I want to move on?
> 
> My husband, despite all that he knows about this OM and the many things difficult things that I have had to express to him (the fact that I don't love him like I used to, etc.), is willing to do what he can to save our marriage. I, however, feel like I checked out a while ago, but I'm not ready to make such a final decision as divorce. My concern, also, remains the porn, because we have been down this same road many times throughout our marriage. "Saving the marriage" means that he has gotten rid of the porn, but this has happened before, and I know that it will resurface again.
> 
> I just feel as if our being apart will allow both of us the time to really think about things. I'm not going to lie in that I DO still think about this OM, and maybe that's something I need to think about too. As far as getting involved with him while apart from my husband? I DO KNOW that that would be a tremendous mistake, and would only make matters ten times worse! He does live 100+ miles away, so for that I am thankful.
> 
> Please provide some insight to my more recent thoughts. As always, thank you in advance! Any input is so greatly appreciated, because this is a very foreign chapter in my life and it’s rather scary to feel this restless/confused.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kevinb

tigger01 said:


> There is still a big part of me that feels that some time apart would be a good thing.
> 
> The truth is, long before I reconnected with this person from my past, our marriage just "existed." The intimacy, despite my asking for (intimacy) and questioning why (he had no interest), dwindled down to nothing. This reconnection with this OM was done in a very innocent way; however, I think it lit a spark that had been missing for so long. I have been honest in saying to my husband that this OM is someone I wouldn't leave him for, but this EA has left me very, very confused. I have pretty much discontinued all communication with this OM, but I just do not know what I want anymore. Do I want to save my marriage, or do I want to move on?
> Let your poor Husband go. Obviously watching the porn is something you can't measure up to and you have another man in your life. Let this poor guy be free because as as far as I can see .....you are the cheater and he is the poor sucker trying to work on a marriage with someone who it's not worth working on. Hey....reality check... Most guys do not mind watching a bit of porn but if you are so uptight about it ( kinda wonder why since you haven had an affair and I wonder whats worse). Let him go and he'l be free to find someone who isn't as morally uptight as you ( oh I forgot you're the one cheating) and everyone will live happily ever after..or at least he will!
> Ml
> My husband, despite all that he knows about this OM and the many things difficult things that I have had to express to him (the fact that I don't love him like I used to, etc.), is willing to do what he can to save our marriage. I, however, feel like I checked out a while ago, but I'm not ready to make such a final decision as divorce. My concern, also, remains the porn, because we have been down this same road many times throughout our marriage. "Saving the marriage" means that he has gotten rid of the porn, but this has happened before, and I know that it will resurface again.
> 
> I just feel as if our being apart will allow both of us the time to really think about things. I'm not going to lie in that I DO still think about this OM, and maybe that's something I need to think about too. As far as getting involved with him while apart from my husband? I DO KNOW that that would be a tremendous mistake, and would only make matters ten times worse! He does live 100+ miles away, so for that I am thankful.
> 
> Please provide some insight to my more recent thoughts. As always, thank you in advance! Any input is so greatly appreciated, because this is a very foreign chapter in my life and it’s rather scary to feel this restless/confused.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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