# Help me understand...



## Katie1521 (Feb 4, 2021)

My husband and I are getting a divorce. We are both in individual and couples therapy at the moment but now he wants to stop couples therapy because he believes the therapist is biased. After attending her sessions we discovered he has PTSD from his childhood. When we started couples therapy we both wanted to work this out or at least, I genuinely did. At this point, I'm using couples therapy to get closure and to learn how to communicate and understand him as we have children and it's necessary in my eyes after everything he's done. 

Fast forward, when I asked why he believes she's biased he said "because she is a spouse of a veteran with PTSD and I don't feel like I can talk in therapy". The feeling like he can't talk is currently a valid complaint/issue. I have already taken steps to fix this problem on my end both in couples therapy and at home *but* (and I try really hard not to use that word) we are where we are because of his communication problem. He doesn't communicate period and that problem started in his childhood, not with me. It's the other reason he gave that I'm struggling to understand. When we first found out about his PTSD our therapist gave us a book to read called Shock Waves by Cynthia Orange. She recommended this book because it explains what it's like to live with PTSD but also explains what it's like to live with someone with PTSD. This book separates the different perspectives by chapters. I've read all but the last chapter because that chapter is all about "rebuilding your life" and I wanted to go over the things I learned from the book in therapy and figure out what applies in our situation before I continued. We never got there because he has so far only read the first chapter which only covers trauma responses and PTSD or in other words, him. This hasn't stopped me from incorporating things I've learned from the book into our current home life however so from my perspective, this recommendation/step has so far only helped him. Our therapist has also recommended he attend individual therapy since PTSD was established. I personally feel like talking to a therapist who personally and professionally understands my perspective is a benefit for both of us. He picked this therapist and she actually specializes in PTSD. I'm actually really hurt by the fact that he wants to stop because he knows how important it is to me to continue (there is history). I told him if he isn't comfortable with our therapist that I have no problem starting over with a new one but I don't want to stop. I feel like he's just running away from the truth as our therapist has shut down a lot of what he believes are truths about his life when a lot of them are trauma responses. I honestly don't know why I'm even trying this hard at this point. He has completely destroyed me with the lies, cheating, and emotional abuse. I asked our therapist if he's a narcissist and she said she believes a personality disorder in involved but he needs to work that out with his individual therapist. What am I missing or not understanding? he has completely altered my sense of reality at this point and I honestly can't tell if I'm just losing it or if this is an issue on his end.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Katie1521 said:


> My husband and I are getting a divorce. We are both in individual and couples therapy at the moment but now he wants to stop couples therapy because he believes the therapist is biased. After attending her sessions we discovered he has PTSD from his childhood. When we started couples therapy we both wanted to work this out or at least, I genuinely did. At this point, I'm using couples therapy to get closure and to learn how to communicate and understand him as we have children and it's necessary in my eyes after everything he's done.


I'm sorry you are in this situation.
I can't imagine being in couples therapy since you've decided on divorce.
I understand the want for closure, but he obviously doesn't have the same need, so its a one sided therapy.

I think you should concentrate on your Individual therapy.


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## Katie1521 (Feb 4, 2021)

attheend02 said:


> I'm sorry you are in this situation.
> I can't imagine being in couples therapy since you've decided on divorce.
> I understand the want for closure, but he obviously doesn't have the same need, so its a one sided therapy.
> 
> I think you should concentrate on your Individual therapy.


My therapist is saying the same but my reality is not very kind right now. I don't have a choice to leave at the moment. I'm currently temporarily disabled (have surgery next Tuesday) by this pregnancy and living in this new reality is unbearable most days. Without couples therapy, there is no way for this to end peacefully and that is all I'm trying to achieve at this point.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Katie1521 said:


> I'm actually really hurt by the fact that he wants to stop because he knows how important it is to me to continue


This is a rather odd statement giving that you are getting divorced for reasons including but not limited to him cheating on you, lying to you and emotional abusing you.

Clearly he doesn't give a rat's ass what you think is important, but more troubling is that you continue to expect that he will.


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## Katie1521 (Feb 4, 2021)

trident said:


> This is a rather odd statement giving that you are getting divorced for reasons including but not limited to him cheating on you, lying to you and emotional abusing you.
> 
> Clearly he doesn't give a rat's ass what you think is important, but more troubling is that you continue to expect that he will.


I expect him to care about developing a healthy co-parenting relationship which is what we're using couples therapy for. I lived through an unhealthy one and would be devastated if my kids did as well. Personality disorders are not simple or sometimes even explainable it seems and believe me, I'm in therapy to counter the damage it has caused and continues to cause in this process. Due to its complexity, it's difficult to tell if I missed something, if he missed something, or if a situation/event-triggered or was caused by his disorder.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

To expect him to act as an adult during this period is setting yourself up for disappointment.
He has already shown that he can't or won't communicate with you.

I would steel yourself for the worst. Practice the 180.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Katie1521 said:


> I expect him to care about developing a healthy co-parenting relationship which is what we're using couples therapy for. I lived through an unhealthy one and would be devastated if my kids did as well. Personality disorders are not simple or sometimes even explainable it seems and believe me, I'm in therapy to counter the damage it has caused and continues to cause in this process. Due to its complexity, it's difficult to tell if I missed something


You missed something. My point. In my post. You specifically said you're hurt because he isn't doing something that is important to YOU, to which I responded he clearly doesn't care about what is important to you, as per his actions and behaviors that led to the breakdown of the marriage. This has nothing to do with the children.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

I'm not sure that trying to get your husband to deal with his PTSD through relationship counselling is appropriate and I am surprised your therapist has not recommended that relationship counselling either be paused until he has had some individual therapy or steer clear of directly tackling the PTSD. I appreciate that she has recommended individual therapy, but she should be recognising that her sessions with you both are not appropriate unless he is in his own therapy. The relationships sessions are about your relationship and while that may mean dealing with the impact PTSD has on that relationship it can't be the forum to actually help treat that PTSD. I actually would listen to your husband here.


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