# Struggling with sex



## It'sJustMe (Oct 8, 2015)

Last year our 5 year old was diagnosed with a chronic, incurable disease. If not managed carefully, it can quickly (within hours) become life threatening. Managing this illness, requires around the clock vigilance. I rarely, rarely sleep through the night. I have been struggling with sadness, stress and exhaustion. 

I have a low sex drive, but have always worked to maintain a positive sex life with my husband. But I just can't seem to overcome this current obstacle. I go to bed, and as much as I love my husband, I just .... can't. There is just a burden of sadness and stress and exhaustion that I can't move past. 

I am currently working with a physician to help my hormone levels and thyroid. I am 36 and fit and healthy. 

Does anyone have any resources, books, websites or insight that addresses the challenges of maintaining a marriage, while caring for a chronically ill child? 

Thank you


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You might want to post this in the Family and Parenting forum.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Very sorry to hear about your situation and certainly thoughts and prayers are headed your way but you have to get help. This is not, in my view something that is going to be fixed when and if your hormonal and thyroid issues are fixed. You need to get some one(s) to provide respite care for your child so you, and your husband can get a break. Round the clock vigilance is not sustainable and you risk not just your marriage but your health (as you are beginning to see) as well. And then where would your child be?
I say this not to frighten but as someone who spent some years where you now are, and we learned by experience. It's a long, exhausting haul and you need to take all the help you can get. If your child is in and out the hospital pull in the social workers and care coordinators. Push for all the help you can get and then some.
The strain on a marriage with a medically fragile child is tremendous. I was told that divorce rates for parents in this situation is upwards of 80%. You and your husband need to be aware of this and act accordingly. All marriages take work, yours is going to take more than the average. Thus circling back to my first point in getting respite care and planned time away, even if it is only you and he upstairs with a nurse downstairs.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

tough situation. I have two special needs kids but neither has a life threatening condition. our situation can be quite stressful but yours sounds even more so.

I would second the point made above regarding finding additional sources of care for your kids. Here are some things to consider:

1. Your husband: Do you feel it is all on you to take care of the child? Can your husband do more? Also, would you be able to accept him doing more (i.e., do you trust him enough)? You may be able to adjust more as a couple that allows you both to be happier. Work hard to trust each other and to work together.

2. Your extended family: Do you live near extended family? Do they help you? Can you trust them? If not, can you educate them regarding your child's condition? This comes back to admitting you need help and asking for help. If your family truly loves you they will want to help. Don't be ashamed to ask and to give them the specific training they need to actually help.

3. Outside the family: as stated above, look into respite care. You may be eligible for medicare-paid caregivers to come in to your home. Make an appointment with an attorney who specializes in disabled/special needs law.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Itsjustme, actually it's not just you. Any mother in your sitch would totally loose her sex drive. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm impressed with how well you've tried to keep the sex connection going.

Some questions,

If your H offered a full body massage how would that affect you sexually? Would it relax you? Would it arouse you? Or would it put you to sleep? 

Do you feel that your H is your partner and helpful enough?

If your H wants sex and you do not, are you comfortable offering a suitable alternative in order to connect sexually? Do you feel offering that would be the same as agreeing to sex?

When you say you just..can't. Do you mean you can't feel aroused or you can agree to feel aroused? There is an important distinction there.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

It'sJustMe said:


> Does anyone have any resources, books, websites or insight that addresses the challenges of maintaining a marriage, while caring for a chronically ill child?
> 
> Thank you


What you need will likely have to be found within yourself. You may find it helpful to adopt the following mantra:

_One can not really help others unless they first help themselves._

An obvious example of this saying is portrayed in the airline safety speech that everyone has to listen to every time they fly. And that is in case of an emergency "that the passenger should always fit his or her own mask before helping children, the disabled, or persons requiring assistance." In that situation it seems so obvious, but in your situation it is easy to dedicate everything to your child before taking care of yourself and your marriage. 

So when trying to let go and nurture your marriage, keep in mind that doing so and improving things for you and your husband will drastically improve your ability to care for your child. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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