# I filed a week ago..



## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

I couldn't take it anymore. I get screamed at for eating a few mini donuts....I bought them and I didn't eat them all......so I take my punishment......seems pathetic to get that upset over freakin donuts but this is how our relationship was...

I made a boundary that she is to have zero contact with a certain individual due to her telling a lie, had I known what the lie was, I would of dumped her like yesterday's garbage. I find out that she's facebook friends with this tool, so I confront her. 

"Um why do you show up on this tool's friends list? You know I find this to be inappropriate and disrespectful to me"

"Are you stalking me? I have you blocked. And no he and I aren't friends, its a facebook glitch."

Me pulling it up on my phone, "yeah right here, you show up on his friends list, and I seriously doubt this is just a random glitch. You are my wife, and you've lied to me several times, and I have to hold you accountable. You chose to lie to me about this guy, I had to deal with the fall out from it, and I don't want reminded of the lie."

"HE AND ARE ARE NOT FRIENDS!!! GET OVER YOURSELF AND QUIT STALKING ME!!! I AM NOT LYING!!! YOU ARE JUST LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO PICK A FIGHT ABOUT!!!!"

"You seem pretty defensive there, usually a defense mechanism when someone is caught in a lie."

"FINE. I'M DELETING MY FACEBOOK!!!!"

"If its just a glitch, show me your friends list and prove me wrong, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Again I'm not the one who chose to lie in the past and a few times since. You must be held accountable."

"NO. I'M FU**ING DONE WITH THIS!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THIS!!"

It ends with me getting a hotel room as she became more and more hostile. I made a call to my attorney to file the papers. She moved out over the weekend. I am an emotional trainwreck but I'm confused as to why. We've been a mess since the day we got married. Its been a chronic rollercoaster ride. I read NMMNG and started killing off the "nice guy" in me. 

I guess I got tired of being treated like a doormat and taken advantage of. She was thankful of all the ways I rescued her, then gradually became entitled. That's not love. This is manipulation, blame shifting, and dishonesty.

So here I am. She did leave an apology letter and left quite a bit of her stuff behind. I don't know if this was a mere oversight or she intends to have a chance encounter.

God give me the strength


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

You'll get through it Diesel, and from what you wrote, it sounds like you made the right decision.

I agree with you, a person who becomes overly defensive is usually hiding something. A "Facebook glitch?" That's would be funny if it wasn't such a blatant lie.

Again, it appears you're making the right decision. Good luck.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Thank you Nick....

I've never heard of a random person showing up on someone's friends list out of shear mistake. I had her dead to rights black and white, and still refused to confess.

I'm sure after a while of sorting through everything, I will agree with no doubt that I made the right decision. 

Sometimes you gotta walk away from the trap of "if I only try harder maybe she'll treat me like a human being."


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Trust me, they'll lie about something when you have the proof right in your hands. They'll swear on the bible, on the lives of your kids, anything to prove their innocence. 

It's like the videos where the police place a hidden camera in a bait car, and then the thief denies it was them when you show them the video of them trying to steal the car.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She blocked you on Facebook so she could stay publicly friends with her boyfriend?

She sounds abusive.

You're going to feel much better as the reality of divorce sinks in.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

I've seen those videos. Those people are going to live some very hard lives. They never seem to comprehend consequences.

Longwalk-

We would go through these phases of punishing me by deleting me from facebook and blocking....changing her profile back to her maiden name.....and hiding her friends list. 

She's an abusive bully. When she wouldn't get her way I would get the cold shoulder for DAYS. 

My dad put a boot in my backside last night after I started bawling profusely at the dinner table last night. I've been so beat down from being emotionally abused I cannot process things correctly. I read alot of other threads on here, I find most of the people on here get compassion and direction. I feel bad for the wife/husband who gets run through the ringer by their spouse, and wants nothing but for them to return. 

I wish they could snap out of it as badly as I wish I could. Having positive reinforcement on here that this is indeed the best choice and asking God back into my life has been a life saver.

I asked her if she wanted to reconcile around Valentine's Day. She said yes but that she threw her wedding ring away. 

I was devastated. Turns out she lied about that too, just to teach me a lesson. That time she openly admitted about lying to me, just to see how much I wanted to fix things.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> I've seen those videos. Those people are going to live some very hard lives. They never seem to comprehend consequences.
> 
> Longwalk-
> 
> ...


Sorry man, I know it hurts. We're all here to support each other, with out judgement. Stay on TAM AND YOU WILL GET SOME GREAT ADVICE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TwinsDad (Jul 6, 2010)

Diesel - I'm one of those guys you were talking about when you said, "if I only try harder maybe she'll treat me like a human being." Went through this for years to try to save a 20+ year marriage for my kids. Now that I'm on the other side (she FINALLY moved out 4 months ago) I know my kids will be OK and so will I. Hang in there and stay on this forum. I dropped off of it when people started telling me what I needed to hear. I just couldn't listen. BTW, I found another forum helpful. Chumplady.com. Not just for women. Good luck!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Diesel you are going to be SO MUCH better off without this horrible woman in your life! You are purging the toxic from your life. Just keep looking forward!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Your story sounds all too familiar. 

You're on the right path. 

For your emotional well being you need to develop some strong boundaries with regards to communication with her. 

You did not mention whether you had kids or not. If no, then you'll never need to talk with her again which is good. During divorce, limit all communication to email so you have record of everything. 

The abuse won't stop until you put a stop to it.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I am really sorry you are going through this but I do agree with the rest. Walk away. Life does get better. If she was sincere in wanting to resolve the issues in your marriage her being defensive would never enter the picture. Be thankful you at least got a letter. 

I don't know what to say about your dad being upset with you but maybe he just wants you to see you are being used by her and its upsetting to watch. 

It will get better.

Clay


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Thank you all TAM friends for the encouragement that I'm doing the right thing. I have a feeling she's trying to reengage me with the I love you I hate you cycle. I found an apology letter and it said I'll always love you etc....sorry I messed up.

Today I get an email from my lawyer that my ex needs to sign the papers. So I sent a text to the ex, she responds that she won't be able to get to them this week.

So I say its not going to take long, they just need acknowledgement for the court, we have 90 days to hammer things out. Which is weird because we don't have anything, she took her stuff, no joint checking, and I have zero intention of trying to screw her over. I just want it to be done.

So I ask her what exactly do you want?

No response

Do you want to waive the 90 days?

No response.

We don't have any kids either. So I tried leveling with CB. I told her I'm sorry this hurts and is a horrible situation. I'm trying to handle this as loving as I can. 

Zero response.

She switches gears and says she needs to stop by and get some of the food she left. I said ok I'll just stay up in my room and you can do whatever.

She leaves, left a note that said call my office when the packages arrive with a little heart under the note. 

Which by default she's yet again changed her number which is her passive aggressiveness coming out to play. I don't stalk her, matter of fact I told her I would not chase her, I would not plead with her, she will be a memory that will fade away.

Thank you friends for the encouragement to stay the course and I WILL be better off in the long run. 

I don't know what little mind games she's playing here.....trying to play on a fear of abandonment by changing her number....who knows.

And Clay:

The best thing my dad could of done in this situation was lodge his boot up my rear. He has seen it for what it is, I'm been in the FOG, with this fantasy of being married to a non abusive woman. She did a running kick to me right in front of my folks. So a good "come to Jesus" meeting is what was needed to change my perceptions. If it walks like a crazy, quacks like a crazy, you don't have this incredible wife, you have someone who is going to break you.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I was hitting myself on the head with a hammer

My buddy asked me why

I said Because it feels so good when I stop.

55


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> Thank you all TAM friends for the encouragement that I'm doing the right thing. I have a feeling she's trying to reengage me with the I love you I hate you cycle. I found an apology letter and it said I'll always love you etc....sorry I messed up.
> 
> Today I get an email from my lawyer that my ex needs to sign the papers. So I sent a text to the ex, she responds that she won't be able to get to them this week.
> 
> ...



Not horrible. 

Ask her to sign papers and leave it at that. 

No more questions about what she wants. 

I get the part apart your dad. Listen to him.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

I know. I suck at these things and I messed up while interacting with her. 

Pathetic really.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> I know. I suck at these things and I messed up while interacting with her.
> 
> Pathetic really.



Forgive yourself. 

You don't think we made the same mistakes? Lol.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When she stopped in to get her food, you should have come out of your room with the paper work and handed them to her and said, "while your here." Then you could have gone back in your room.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

I know......been doing lots of forgiving myself here lately. Usually I get punished somehow so this is different.

So Ceegee how exactly do I interact with her without sacrificing my respect and sounding like a pansey?


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Don't interact with her at all. Is there a way you could have the papers served to her? Why don't you send them to her via certified mail? When you send her a text and she doesn't respond don't follow up with another.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

My lawyer has them. I sent her a text this morning that they were ready. She said that she won't have time this week and I should just have her served.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Have her served and don't text her for anything anymore. Go dark - 180. Because she was emotionally abusive I can only assume you have adapted certain communication habits that enabled you to deal with her as long as you did. Break those habits. Every day you spend not interacting with her is just one more day that you have invested in rebuilding your self respect. Don't give her any more opportunities to potentially knock you down. Start rebuilding yourself.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

You are right. After the last post she called to ask about whether or not she still had insurance which she still does. 

Then she started to rage at me and hung up the phone. So the 180 also applies to dealing with someone who is emotionally abusive? I was always confused about that. 

I'm sure thankful of the support i get here.

Thanks everyone for your time, all this advice means alot to me.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Better off alone than company with her.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> You are right. After the last post she called to ask about whether or not she still had insurance which she still does.
> 
> Then she started to rage at me and hung up the phone. So the 180 also applies to dealing with someone who is emotionally abusive? I was always confused about that.
> 
> ...



Her call likely had nothing to do with insurance. 

She's looking for a place to dump her anger. That was your job. Not anymore. 

Tell her contact should be through email. Don't answer phone calls. If she's calls let it go to vmail. If she's asks a question that you want to answer, reply by email.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Proud of myself....a whole 24 hours of no contact with crazy.

She did call today.....thanks for the encouragement  

I don't feel as nearly as destroyed today


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> I know. I suck at these things and I messed up while interacting with her.
> 
> Pathetic really.


It's not pathetic. It's a learning process.

How are you doing? Take care of yourself -- gym, eat properly, sleep. When you know what your time is worth, you'll find it a lot easier to not waste it on her.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm an emotional wreck. I decided its best if I see a psychiatrist. I can't sleep. I feel like I just got done with 3 tours in Iraq. I'm always ready for combat, we fought every day. I have set a goal to get back to the gym this weekend. I used to be built out of a block of steel and great self esteem. But like I said I made progress by sticking with no contact.

Just one day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> I'm an emotional wreck. I decided its best if I see a psychiatrist. I can't sleep. I feel like I just got done with 3 tours in Iraq. I'm always ready for combat, we fought every day. I have set a goal to get back to the gym this weekend. I used to be built out of a block of steel and great self esteem. But like I said I made progress by sticking with no contact.
> 
> Just one day at a time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One day at a time. That will get you through this.

I'd look at IC also, and vent to your friends. I'll bet you probably weren't spending much time with them. Get out and do things you like to do and don't spend all of your time by yourself.

I felt like I was living on adrenaline for the first two weeks -- thoughts racing, anxiety through the roof.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Thank you IW.

I started counseling a few weeks before this all went down. She had me believing I was the biggest pile of dog crap on earth. 

I have a four year old little boy that I get every other weekend. Last time I had him he said "here daddy, I got you a batman ring, and I have one too." 

Its next to my nightstand. 

I know what you mean about the overload of adrenaline. 

Do. I. Ever.

I've decided to paint the inside of the house, I painted it for her when she moved in, and I think doing things like that helps too.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Repainting the inside of the house is perfect. It will keep you occupied and burn some energy. It will be good to make some changes, make things the way that YOU like them. It's empowering. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Diesel, as we discussed a year ago in your very first thread, the behaviors you describe are predominantly classic warning signs for BPD (with a few narcissistic traits also added to the pile). If she were mainly exhibiting NPD traits -- as you had suspected last year -- you would be seeing an abusive woman who is emotionally stable. In contrast, you're describing a woman who is very unstable, which is the key defining trait for BPD.

Further, if your W were primarily a narcissist, you should be seeing a woman who is always seeking validation for her false self image of being "perfect." In contrast, you're describing a woman who continually seeks validation for her false self image of being "The Victim" -- as BPDers are notorious for doing.

Moreover, if your W were a full-blown narcissist, she would be incapable of loving you. In contrast, you're describing a woman who seems to love you (whenever she is not splitting you black) -- but is only capable of loving in the immature way that a child is able to love. That type of love falls far short of what is required to sustain adult marriages and other adult LTRs.

Finally, if your W really does exhibit most BPD traits at a strong level, her emotional development likely is frozen at about the level of a four year old (not the level of a 12-year old as your therapist suggested). This would explain, then, why she has such great difficulty in regulating her own emotions -- and why she often throws temper tantrums lasting several hours, just like a young child does when she doesn't get her way. 

I therefore suggest that, during your divorce process, you protect yourself by reading the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ It was written by the same author who wrote the _Stop Walking on Eggshells_ book. Take care, Diesel.


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