# Crossup's blog (big sigh)



## Crossup (Sep 22, 2012)

I have read Muskrat's blog over the months and been encouraged to see a fellow married person hold his/her head up and try to make it through the terrible situation of a spouse leaving.

I didn't always agree with the well-meaning advice - one angle in particular always rubbed me the wrong way, which I'll call "pain avoidance." I can understand the sentiment. No one wants to endure pain, much less "bring it on" by letting hope rise up again and again.

(sigh)

I was encouraged to start my own thread after posting a few times, so I'll get this going to see if I can get some perspective and maybe even help someone else like Muskrat has (just by being honest and open about his struggles).

I love my wife dearly. I haven't always been happy. I've fantasized about our marriage falling apart and marrying someone new (someone who'd speak my love language and often), but I'd come to grips with these fantasies, dismiss them and tell my head to line up with my heart's choice - to love and be faithful to my wife.

Several months ago my wife decided to separate, moving out with our three kids. She told me she wanted me to win her heart back, but after these months have gone by and I've applied myself to winning her heart she has not lifted a finger. So now our 21-year marriage has been tossed aside as she filed for divorce.

I'm shocked. I thought she wanted to work things out. Why didn't she make any effort? She says there's no other men. I want to believe her, but it's hard to figure out why she has left, why she has given up.

I've owned my mistakes. She told me that she felt like my job had become my mistress. I own a candy distribution business that I started with a friend in college, took it over a few years later, married my sweetheart that I met in church. She joined forces with me and helped me take the business to a new level, seeing more retail accounts open, etc.

The economy hit us hard, though, and she ended up getting a job to keep our house, standard of living, etc. I'm not sure what happened, but she seems to have lost all respect for me dating back to that moment of going back to work (early 2011).

Anyway, I feel ripped off. She had told me that she wasn't fulfilled in our marriage, but she didn't say she was thinking of leaving. She clearly wanted me to change jobs (use my small business management experience in a more promising field, for example), is bitter at me for not jumping the sinking ship of our business. She clearly wishes I would have changed jobs instead of just trying to work what I had harder, longer hours, ignoring my family as I tried to hold on. I'd dreamed of passing on my family business to my kids one day, but it doesn't look like I'll have anything left to pass on (not to mention being separated from my family).

I wish I would've sold the biz back then. Hindsight is always 20/20. But, since I can't change the past, all I could do was focus on "What now?" I've tried my hardest. I've left no stone unturned. *And why can't she see that she's got a husband right now that's willing to do anything for her???* Why does it have to be too late? Why can't she forgive me? What happened to my Christian wife who believed in and practiced forgiveness?

Obviously, I've got lots of questions. I guess it might have been some sort of denial, but when I first shared our situation with a few close friends, a good number of them had a depressing prognosis. Some of my friends had been through divorces and these details and stories sounded painful similar to them. I didn't want to believe or imagine that my marriage would end up destroyed. I really wanted to keep hope in my heart. My prayers have been desperate. My church friends would tell me that they thought I was doing the right thing - the Christ-like thing by holding out my love for her. 

Now that my wife has filed and told me that she wants to move on, my hope is waning. Maybe we could get back together after we divorce, but the odds are terribly thin.

I don't know. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sorry it's so long, but I wanted to provide some background, so I'm not sorry sorry. Just being polite sorry. Know what I mean?


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