# Need help from the middle aged men.....



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Briefly.....

Mr H is mid 50's.
T is on the low side.
We have a rocking sex life, daily and twice sometimes.

Me, 49
Post menopause, 
I think about sex (with him) often.

I pried too deep last night and he told me that he does not think about sex that much these days. *I am scared *

We have lots of sex, I think about it a lot, can our sex life stay as it is with great quality and a quantity I enjoy for years to come? 

Any of you guys able to relate? I need to hear from men that are this age or older that have active sex lives.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Well I'm middle aged but I'm not that far along yet.

Ms (Not) Personal is turning 46 in a few weeks, is a healthy weight, is pre menopause, uses a Mirena for birth control and consequently largely doesn't have periods because of it.

I'm turning 45 in days, I am overweight, although I am losing it through diet and some exercise. I have no idea about my testosterone levels, yet I suspect it's a lot less than when I was younger and extremely physically fit.

We have an okay sex life of normally 4-6x or more a week, which is leaning towards it being more usually 6-7 a week which includes often doing it 2x a day on weekends. Funnily enough though, because of our schedule this week I think we've done it only 3x thus far.

Usually I think about sex often and am desirous of sex most days. Yet there are times when I get wrapped up in what I am doing, usually work which requires a lot of thought and creativity, to the point that I don't think about sex or even food sometimes at all.

Although I often initiate spontaneously more often than my wife I certainly don't initiate all of the time. So although my wife often desires sex responsively I too sometimes desire sex responsively. So there are times when I am not wanting sex or thinking about it, yet my wife will initiate and I will mostly always respond to her sexual advances positively.

In and of itself I think it's fine if he's not thinking about sex all of the time, just as long as he responds to you mostly positively (because on odd occasion, saying not tonight shouldn't be a problem) when you express your desire to share sex with him.

If he is still having plenty of sex with you, I wouldn't worry about it even if your frequency may sometimes wax and wane, that said if it drops notably and remains thus well then it's time to be concerned.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm almost 55 and I can relate to your husband. I used to think about sex all the time, but now I hardly think about it. It may be due to her lack of intrest for the past 15 years. Nothing but duty sex, no passion. I think I just gave up.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Quality and quantity are there, I know the quantity will decrease over the years and that is OK. 

Far out I think I am just high maintenance  There is so much of my own personal worth wrapped up in him desiring me. He has certainly picked up on my worry and has made a couple of suggestive comments today, that he is thinking about having sex with me. Problem is that I don't want him to feel forced to live up to my high expectations, that makes it feel hollow. I want him to want me naturally not because I have this need.

Personal, he has a high demand career and I know he can go for hours on end without time to breath let alone think about sex, I get that and it is OK. My fear is that his desire for me is waning, he says that is completely untrue it is just that sex is not on his mind as much as he gets older. Maybe bc he knows subconsciously that sex in available everyday???

I'm going to get all tangled up about this


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

41/M/M here. 

Why would you let what "might" happen tomorrow affect what "is" happening today?

None of us know when our last opportunity may be, so take advantage of it.

Carpe diem.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> 41/M/M here.
> 
> Why would you let what "might" happen tomorrow affect what "is" happening today?
> 
> ...


Yes true, I know that. But but but I lived a life where the "what might happen" actually did happen and the possibility of going down that path scares the life out of me.

Ok yes you are right.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

This healthy amount of sex is indicative of available time and, as my wife so eloquently put it, free mind 😂

It's not feasible to have a great sex life if the mind is preoccupied with work, paying the bills, etc. The mind prioritizes pretty well.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I suppose I'm not qualified to answer, old enough but not active enough:nerd:.

But I will anyway:smile2:. 

You do sound pretty high maintenance. I think you are confusing your issue and transferring it on to your husband. Quantity of sex and frequency of such thoughts does NOT = quantity of love. Does it not make sense that he could go from once a day to 3.5 times a week and still love you just as much? 

Do a little internal exploration, sounds like a midlife crisis. You've possibly gone through life constantly pursued and the thought of hubby not thinking of you that way every day all the time symbolically means that feminine **** me force field is slipping away. 0 Hopefully I haven't offended too much.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> 41/M/M here.
> 
> Why would you let what "might" happen tomorrow affect what "is" happening today?


 @MrsHolland FSJ is so very right. 

50/M/M. Before I say more, I want to be open to you and say that I am so so jealous of your husband and you. To me, what you paint is the ideal life and ideal marriage. I would be extremely happy with much less than what you have. Don't get me wrong. I am very happy for you as I know some of your backstory. Nor do I want to imply that your post is trivial. It is not. Not in the least. And I will explain why. 

My situation is bad because while in the past I barely thought about sex, I now think about it more and more and it is making me too depressed, enough to want to stop reading TAM. I too am doing the wrong thing. I am now wrapping up so much of my own personal worth in sex that I am already all tangled up. Don't go there please. It is a bad place to be. 

Trust in what your husband says. You are much more than just a V. He is signally to you that he hears you and knows how you are feeling. He is telling you that should things start to decline physically for him, that it is NOT because he does not find you extremely attractive and sexy. It is very important that you hear him, acknowledge what he is saying, and really believe it. 

Be careful because this can start a vicious downward spiral. If he misses a day or two, he knows how that will affect you and HE will worry and stress. And that worry could start performance anxiety, which will make YOU think he is not attracted to you, and the downward spiral will worsen. I am in one of those spirals and they are very hard to get out of. Please don't go there. 

Enjoy the here and now. 

I am so happy that you found a great husband and that he found a great wife.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

No I'm not offended anonmd 

I am scared that thinking about sex less means he is going to lose his drive.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> @MrsHolland FSJ is so very right.
> 
> 50/M/M. Before I say more, I want to be open to you and say that I am so so jealous of your husband and you. To me, what you paint is the ideal life and ideal marriage. I would be extremely happy with much less than what you have. Don't get me wrong. I am very happy for you as I know some of your backstory. Nor do I want to imply that your post is trivial. It is not. Not in the least. And I will explain why.
> 
> ...


OK I hear you. Breath in, breath out. My deepest thanks to you for the gentle wake up call. I have it good, I know I have it good. So damn good I am terrified of losing it.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Look I know it can be tough to let go of past things with past people because, well sometimes an argument or discussion and more importantly the way you are perceiving something goes back there.

I mean years ago I was having an argument with my wife about something and I called her my ex wife's first name instead of her first name (i have never done that before or since).

Now my response wasn't because my wife is like my ex-wife at all (they are of different ethnic backgrounds, nationalities and native languages, personalities etc), or because I was thinking of her. My response was because my reaction and behaviour was identically patterned to the way I reacted and behaved in a previous argument with my ex-wife. So this was all about me and not my wife or ex-wife!

Anyway harder said than done I know, but you should relax and let your fear go. Your man is not your ex, he is not like your ex he is simply himself. There really is no point in fearing that something is happening when it hasn't yet happened and or might never happen as such. Not to tell you what you don't know, but sometimes it's nice to be reminded of words to the effect that your worth is intrinsic within you, happiness is from the fountain you have within. He can't make you happy but he can share a life with you in which you both please each other and seldom diminish the happiness found within. You can compliment one another without it being overwhelming.

As it stands believe what he tells you with respect to his desire and love for you, our minds change all the time our wants are sometimes fleeting and long standing, what he does and how he actually behaves is what matters. We all hold so many thoughts that come and go, our measure is found in our actual actions.

I don't think it warrants special concern or dwelling upon, I think you would do well to just let it go. That fear of the past hangs over both of you, yet neither of you need to let that fear rule you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> OK I hear you. Breath in, breath out. My deepest thanks to you for the gentle wake up call. I have it good, I know I have it good. So damn good I am terrified of losing it.


 @TooNice signature is so appropriate for so many moments for the more emotional of us (myself included). In those moments when we trigger, and begin to catastrophize:

"Just Breathe"

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Personal I had to smile, Mr H called me by his ex wifes name a couple of times early on, far out I was pretty pissed off. He was devastated and spoke to his counselor about it who said pretty much what you have said, that it happened because the friction at the time triggered past experiences so there was an association with his ex.

I also hear what you are saying. Letting fear rule is a big downfall of mine. I am going to do my best to just let this go. Maybe this will be part of an awakening of my mind heading into the future with this big guy as we get older together.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I am a mid-50s male. I have always wanted more sex than my wife. The biggest change I find is that I tolerate doing without sex much better than I used to, but I have not lost interest when I have the opportunity.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

47yo married male here. I think of sex quite often, but not as much as I did in my 20s. It is natural for this to happen. But, it does appear that your husband still desires you. Don't take it personally if he slows down a bit. He's only human.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Ok, I'm one of the 'old' guys you're looking to hear from.

62 years old, and I can assure you that his desire will not necessarily go away at all.

my libido is about the same as it was 40 years ago and that's the truth.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

54 years and holding well, no meds at all to interfere with life and my drive is better now than it was in my 30's-40's. 

I attribute that higher sex drive to be able to mentally relax so much more in the last 6 years than I ever have in my life. Before that, I was wound up tight, way too tight... unhealthily body and soul tight... intense. Looking at life's landscape differently from new eyes has aligned things nicely for me.

Daily would be easy to achieve if my wife were a willing partner, thus the power of meditation to meet her "desire" schedule better, I have hopes to be loving as long as the spirit is able...

If H's schedule is stress infused, I guarantee his energies are being misdirected and wasted on those emotional vampires...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,
I'm going to try and help you - but - let's start out by acknowledging that your first marriage might be impacting your view of the world.

Your first husband has created a powerful conditioned response in you: sexual rejection = a partner who doesn't love you. 

So here's what worries me. Remember that theme we discussed? Your H avoids conflict with you because your disapproval causes him so much distress. 

Perhaps it's easiest to do a very simple exercise. The purpose is to baseline how well your head and heart are synchronized.

Imagine that tomorrow - H2 comes to you and says: 
- I love and desire you
- I'm slowing down and would prefer a once a day schedule

What's your reaction to that? 
- what do you believe
- how do you feel


And - by way of the quality/quantity - graph: At 53 - anything over once a day - would begin to impact quality for me. Not saying that is true for him. It is true for me. 






MrsHolland said:


> Briefly.....
> 
> Mr H is mid 50's.
> T is on the low side.
> ...


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> 54 years and holding well, no meds at all to interfere with life and my drive is better now than it was in my 30's-40's.
> 
> I attribute that higher sex drive to be able to mentally relax so much more in the last 6 years than I ever have in my life. Before that, I was wound up tight, way too tight... unhealthily body and soul tight... intense. Looking at life's landscape differently from new eyes has aligned things nicely for me.
> 
> ...


I used to meditate regularly but have let that discipline go. Might be time we both started some meditation, is one of those things we have spoken about doing but done nothing about. Thanks for the reminder


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

MEM11363 said:


> Holland,
> I'm going to try and help you - but - let's start out by acknowledging that your first marriage might be impacting your view of the world.
> 
> Your first husband has created a powerful conditioned response in you: sexual rejection = a partner who doesn't love you.
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,
Your response is very reassuring on all fronts:
- High level of self awareness 
- Genuine concern for your partner and his well being 

I want you to remind yourself - the next time you have anxiety about your sex life: Your H totally loves you. Is totally in love with you. Is likely willing to push his body into the red zone - to see you smile, and hear you laugh. 

All that said - this intensity level you have maintained - is exceptional. It generally only happens when two high functioning - sexual - and highly compatible people connect. 

I don't believe his intense love for you will fade. I do believe his raw desire level slowly will. 

And - the next time you feel anxious on this topic - ask yourself a question. How big a drop in frequency - would you have to suffer - for your sex life to get within hailing distance of what it averaged during your first marriage. 

Right now - if your in the 400-500 times a year frequency - I'm thinking that's a bit higher than what you experienced in an average year - with your first husband. More than a bit eh? 

My only fear - and I am taking the risk of being totally transparent with you - is that: He will have an age related hiccup - and you will unintentionally blast him with the blow torch of disapproval. Fueled purely by anxiety - not malice. 

That outcome is most accurately described as the hand of your first husband - who acted with a selfishness indistinguishable from malice - reaching through the past - to strike H2.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Damn, OK have had my morning coffee....

MEM I think I get what you are saying. He is worried that I see rejection in things like this and on one level that would be correct. The level headed part of my brain has no issue with quantity changing, that is the reality of life and age. Maybe he feels like he has to tippy toe around me on this issue.

The ironic part is that I am extremely good at handling issues that are broached in an adult way. But when they are found out in the way this was, via prying and prodding that I revert back to the wounded part of my soul and it looks like rejection, the spiral then begins and I freak out.

He is so concerned about not hurting me or making me feel rejected but his hiding this from me has had the opposite impact. The really daft part of this is that I fully accept and embrace that he shows love via sex but the legacy is that I now see it that if he thinks about sex less than before it is taken as rejection. Maybe I need to show him that I see his love in so many other ways, the many things he does for me and our crazy bunch of teenagers. He is doing everything for everyone, has a higher than usual work stress level ATM, the always present ex wife issues in the background and other things going on in life currently.

We are in a stupid cycle that we have struggled with from day one. He treats me like his ex in that he won't trust in my response to issues. I respond better when things are bought out in the open and I prove him right when I respond badly to the truth when I drag it out of him. Just two lost souls in a fishbowl  

How do people get to the stage of just getting on with it all and embracing the amazing relationship and partner they have found?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

We posted at the same time MEM



MEM11363 said:


> Holland,
> Your response is very reassuring on all fronts:
> - High level of self awareness
> - Genuine concern for your partner and his well being
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,

I had a similar conversation with M2 - recently. I said: I know you love me and I BELIEVE you love me. You know I love you, but in your heart - you don't fully believe how lovable you are - and therefore don't fully trust that I'm here - til we return to dust and ashes. 

And I can't fix that for you. So I just accept it.

So your mission is to accept that sometimes his overtures are driven more by a desire to please than raw lust. 






MrsHolland said:


> Damn, OK have had my morning coffee....
> 
> MEM I think I get what you are saying. He is worried that I see rejection in things like this and on one level that would be correct. The level headed part of my brain has no issue with quantity changing, that is the reality of life and age. Maybe he feels like he has to tippy toe around me on this issue.
> 
> ...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

You are two separate people, someone has to be lower than the other desire for sex however slight. It has to be ok for the slightly ld person to push themselves a bit no? At what point are you not ok if he doesn't speak up? A little, a lot, how much? Be ashamed / change in the future, your reaction not the fact you sought an answer. 

When you thought about it an answered Mem's question you have the right response.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> I used to meditate regularly but have let that discipline go. Might be time we both started some meditation, is one of those things we have spoken about doing but done nothing about. Thanks for the reminder


I didn't start until 1988... picked it up listening to different groups of guys much tougher than I as they rolled through and noticed differing levels of calm between them... the ones that did had it together better. Lost the discipline myself after 1993 and fell thirstily back to it in 2006 when all seemed broken.

Too many minds unsettle me, perhaps you too... be comfortable in the moment and stay focused on the present. :smile2:


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Likewise, you can't wrench a major emotional experience out of your psyche. It is part of who you are.


That's the problems with scars, they remind us where we have been... thank goodness they have nothing to do with where we are going.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Let's face it Holland, your first husband was wack. Sorry, I know he is the father of your kids. But he was, what, asexual with an apparent latent attraction to young men, IIRC?
> 
> You will NEVER "get over" being in a long-term marriage with him. I don't believe in getting over stuff. Everything we go through becomes a part of who we are. You wouldn't wrench a major organ out of your body. Likewise, you can't wrench a major emotional experience out of your psyche. It is part of who you are.
> 
> ...


To my detriment I don't have the ability to catch and stop it when I start to get scared. I can apply reason after the fact but not before. This is my homework, thank you


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well like anything else in marriage you talk about it and deal with it together. You may have to work around some stuff, and he may have to work around some stuff. Like maybe he needs to see a doctor. Larger point, don't be scared, work on it together as a team. If he is a good man he will try for you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,

You are one of my favorite people here. So I'm going to make a suggestion for dealing with the scars you carry from chronic mistreatment. 

When you are dealing with ANYTHING SEXUAL and you begin to trigger and flood - ask H2 to excuse you for a moment. Then go and find the nearest bathroom. Close the door and then mentally compare a checklist of core traits and behavior patterns between Husband 1 and Husband 2. 

Reason I suggest this is that - H2 has only one major flaw - emotionally he isn't as strong as you. That's it - full stop. It's also true that in just about any situation he has to choose between his wants and yours - he puts you first. I'm thinking - we could spend a couple pages listing husband 1's flaws. 

I 100% support you saying what is true to H2. Just thinking that - he finds Hollands oxy acetelyne blow torch WAY more painful that you might realize. 

When you subject him to it - he flashes back to his first marriage. 





MrsHolland said:


> To my detriment I don't have the ability to catch and stop it when I start to get scared. I can apply reason after the fact but not before. This is my homework, thank you


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Wow MEM I am blown away by your ability to understand someone elses situation with just words on a screen. You are spot on, I am emotionally stronger than him. But he is without any doubt more giving/selfless than I am. If I can get the upper hand on my fears we will get out of this cycle. Thank you 

I know you have told me this before about the blow torch, Lord help me I must accept and actually do something about it.

ETA sounds like I'm a horrible person reading back. I do a lot for Mr H, take care of him, listen to him, try my best to understand him, let him be free.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,
I have a keen radar for - goodness - for character. I have NEVER doubted you on that score. 

Also have a well developed ability to gauge IQ. 

Riddle me this: How come the following two things didn't happen over a long period of time despite the fact that you are both very bright and very high drive:
1. You didn't realize that husband 1 was lying - nay - worse than lying - he was gas lighting you.
2. You didn't have an affair

The answer is as simple as it is complimentary. YOU ARE GOOD

You would never - ever - not in a million years - do to anyone - what was being done to you. So it never occurred to you - that someone else would do it. 

And that ought be a source of pride, not embarrassment. 




MrsHolland said:


> Wow MEM I am blown away by your ability to understand someone elses situation with just words on a screen. You are spot on, I am emotionally stronger than him. But he is without any doubt more giving/selfless than I am. If I can get the upper hand on my fears we will get out of this cycle. Thank you
> 
> I know you have told me this before about the blow torch, Lord help me I must accept and actually do something about it.
> 
> ETA sounds like I'm a horrible person reading back. I do a lot for Mr H, take care of him, listen to him, try my best to understand him, let him be free.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

MrsHolland said:


> Briefly.....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 Personally , I think you are WAY over thinking this. 
Be thankful for what you have now, your sex life is above average for your ages.
Try not to obsess about the future, just work to keep things interesting and fun WITHOUT putting pressure on him .


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In our experience, as hormone levels decrease with age and begin to affect libido, there are several things that can be done. First, reducing stress can help maintain focus on what's important to you. It's not always possible, if work is the main source, but often there are still things that can be done to reduce stress. (BTW, meditation can help a lot, and mindfulness meditation can help you deal with stress and worry as it arises, instead of after it triggers.) Next, stay healthy - good diet and exercise contributes to healthy sex (and reduced stress). Then - if necessary - bioidentical hormones help greatly, especially testosterone (for him particularly, but maybe for you eventually too, if you notice your desire starting to fade).

It may be that you initiate more than your husband, @MrsHolland, and there is nothing wrong with that if he happily responds. If he starts show signs of reluctance or not responding, then may be the time to look into hormone supplementation - the other stuff will help in all ways now. But don't borrow trouble by stressing yourself worrying about the future - plan for it, prepare for it, but don't worry about it.

We both went through this, and as we noticed it starting, it was rather traumatic as we highly value our sex life. We had terrible first marriages sexually, so any signs of problems can sometimes trigger old hurts. But we noticed the slowdown and talked about it, and then found ways to deal with it that worked for us - eventually that included hormones, too. We still have sex about ten times a week, sometimes more, and seldom less than daily. It seems very sustainable, too. Yesterday, we went five rounds!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> How do people get to the stage of just getting on with it all and embracing the amazing relationship and partner they have found?


Time. 

It just takes time. It's been ten years now for H and I. We all bring baggage with us, but as long as you recognize that (which you do) and deal with it....on an inner level, and an "inter" level, it will get easier. 

H and I have a relationship similar to yours. We have sex every day and we are able to TALK about it, as well as everything else. None of this was possible with our exes....and it took a LONG time for us to TRUST that this IS our relationship and that it IS wonderful! I think he thought I was being overly nice....almost faking so that he'd like/love me, and I thought all his complimentary words were him sucking up to get more sex. Turns out we really like each other, are awfully nice to each other and love lots of sex...we had to learn to trust that.

We still check in. To make sure the other is still happy with the status quo and not just pacifying the other. We still once in awhile pinch ourselves because its sooooooooo good! 

Appreciate it, talk about it, love it. 

And ya, maybe meditation is the way to go. So you can just BE.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you have to run to the nearest bathroom and run a difference between H2 and H2x (get it 😂 ) how are you going to get over the part of your life formally known as H2x?

Emotional strength is to finally deal with H2's reality, not run every scenario featuring H2 thru the H2x filter.

Also, when comparing H's also compare the circumstances...


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> In our experience, as hormone levels decrease with age and begin to affect libido, there are several things that can be done. First, reducing stress can help maintain focus on what's important to you. It's not always possible, if work is the main source, but often there are still things that can be done to reduce stress. (BTW, meditation can help a lot, and mindfulness meditation can help you deal with stress and worry as it arises, instead of after it triggers.) Next, stay healthy - good diet and exercise contributes to healthy sex (and reduced stress). Then - if necessary - bioidentical hormones help greatly, especially testosterone (for him particularly, but maybe for you eventually too, if you notice your desire starting to fade).
> 
> It may be that you initiate more than your husband, @MrsHolland, and there is nothing wrong with that if he happily responds. If he starts show signs of reluctance or not responding, then may be the time to look into hormone supplementation - the other stuff will help in all ways now. But don't borrow trouble by stressing yourself worrying about the future - plan for it, prepare for it, but don't worry about it.
> 
> We both went through this, and as we noticed it starting, it was rather traumatic as we highly value our sex life. We had terrible first marriages sexually, so any signs of problems can sometimes trigger old hurts. But we noticed the slowdown and talked about it, and then found ways to deal with it that worked for us - eventually that included hormones, too. We still have sex about ten times a week, sometimes more, and seldom less than daily. It seems very sustainable, too. Yesterday, we went five rounds!


Thanks MBH

I started back at meditation yesterday, something I should have done a long time ago. 

It is so important to both of us to maintain the closeness that our sex life brings, both committed to doing all we can as we head into this new phase. BTW he initiates more than me but overall there is not much initiating really, it just seems to happen organically most of the time, unless we are doing something planned or to ramp things up especially when there are no kids at home.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Time.
> 
> It just takes time. It's been ten years now for H and I. We all bring baggage with us, but as long as you recognize that (which you do) and deal with it....on an inner level, and an "inter" level, it will get easier.
> 
> ...


It is fantastic to read this. Sounds like you have BTDT and are happy, all the best to you


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

john117 said:


> If you have to run to the nearest bathroom and run a difference between H2 and H2x (get it 😂 ) how are you going to get over the part of your life formally known as H2x?
> 
> Emotional strength is to finally deal with H2's reality, not run every scenario featuring H2 thru the H2x filter.
> 
> Also, when comparing H's also compare the circumstances...


MEMs suggestion was pretty spot on and I have done it once in the last 2 days, did not run to the bathroom but did this in my mind and it helped me get my balance back 

I agree with what you are saying and the end goal is to not have to run scenarios through the H2x filter but I do have to stop living with the H2x legacy. I have an amazing man in my life now, it is not his fault my past husband was a dud.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

See I know that you are a good person - and a good partner. 

That's why he's in love with you. 

As far as my recognition of the Holland blowtorch - it takes one to know one. I've worked hard and long to learn to manage my own.  





MrsHolland said:


> Wow MEM I am blown away by your ability to understand someone elses situation with just words on a screen. You are spot on, I am emotionally stronger than him. But he is without any doubt more giving/selfless than I am. If I can get the upper hand on my fears we will get out of this cycle. Thank you
> 
> I know you have told me this before about the blow torch, Lord help me I must accept and actually do something about it.
> 
> ETA sounds like I'm a horrible person reading back. I do a lot for Mr H, take care of him, listen to him, try my best to understand him, let him be free.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> Briefly.....
> 
> Mr H is mid 50's.
> T is on the low side.
> ...


I am 55, wife is 50. Married 25 years.
We have sex twice a week. I used to think I wanted sex every day. However, the reality is that my mind may think of sex every day, but my body could never really cash the checks daily. (I am on testosterone AND Viagra)

My advice is to start thinking about quality vs. quantity.
Even though we only have sex twice a week, 9 times out of 10 it's mind blowing for both of us. 

I personally would rather have GREAT sex once a week instead of average to below average sex every other day. 

As we get older I could never maintain daily sex. However, I could see us in our 70's having GREAT sex once a week.

Also, anticipation has it's merits. Thinking on and anticipating sex rather than actually having sex has always seemed to intensify pleasure and passion during the actual act. (Is also why I never masturbate to conclusion)

Just another opinion from an "old" married guy.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I wouldn't spend my time worrying about something that may, or may not happen in the future. Enjoy it now, and think in the here and now. Changes are inevitable, but they won't be as hard to overcome if they are gradual, in my opinion.

I am almost 55, been with my wife for about 20 years, and we have sex 5 to 6 times a week. Save for any injuries or illness, we have maintained that pace for the entire duration of our marriage thus far, except, of course, the first couple of years when it was 2 to 3 times a day many times, and every day of the week.

I am also on TRT, take Cialis occasionally, and think about sex constantly. The sex my wife and I have now is MUCH better than it used to be, and I aim to keep that uptrend going into infinity. Whether I can or not, I'll cross that bridge when, and if I get there. I don't fret about it much at all.


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