# After the Affair -- something strange



## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

So if you have read my other posts, I am currently about 45 days out from finding out about my wife's second EA. 

Besides the massive amount of confusion and roller coaster emotions I am going through, I have noticed something else in the past two weeks ---> I am really starting to notice other women.

And I mean notice them in the "if I was single, I would approach them," not the "oh she is attractive, go on about my day kind of way."

I guess this is probably just more post-affair hormones and emotions messing with me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its called revenge affair, and it doesn't work, it only make you feel worse and it solve nothing.

Interesting though, in my case every women I saw I suspected that she was cheating also. Kind of like when you buy a new car, you start see the same car all the time.

------------------disclaimer-----------------

Not all women are cheaters, just saying I though about them cheating on their man


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Women feel this way about men after being cheated on, too.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

I have been the same.

I think for me is goes along with the doubts/thoughts of would it be easier to quit, give up, not R, and start over. 

My view of EVERYTHING is different now including other women and other couples relationships. I will look at couples and wonder if one of them is in an affair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

J- I thought you'd chime in hence the diclaimer, I'm trying to stop generalizing


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## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

Don't get me wrong, I have NO DESIRE to cheat / revenge affair/ etc.
Just noticed that I have been "noticing" more lately.

@Heartbrkn, I have noticed that my view has changed as well too. It makes me wonder how many couples that I thought were normal, actually have had the same problems that I have had.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

I have started noticing other men in that way but all in all my thoughts end up going the other way. More negative than anything and I don't want to think that way about all men. I too am trying to stop generalizing it guy.


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## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> amen on that one.
> 
> find yourself extremely vulnerable to any kind of positive attention, any teeny hint of a minor connection, etc...my standards dropped so low that my only requirement for finding a guy attractive was that he paid attention to me.
> 
> resist the urge. you'll only hate yourself if you act on anything.


I hear you about being "vulnerable to positive attention." I actually look forward to seeing coworkers lately just because they actually smile and say hello.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

John7308 said:


> Don't get me wrong, I have NO DESIRE to cheat / revenge affair/ etc.
> Just noticed that I have been "noticing" more lately.
> 
> @Heartbrkn, I have noticed that my view has changed as well too. It makes me wonder how many couples that I thought were normal, actually have had the same problems that I have had.


I really do that one. Look at everyone and wonder hmmm, I wonder what they have or are enduring in their marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> J- I thought you'd chime in hence the diclaimer, I'm trying to stop generalizing


I really need to stop being so predictable, yeah? 

WhiteRabbits, I see you got some new shoes. LOL.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Hey - we've haven't been cursed with an affair, but things have gotten pretty bad. She started talking about 'her future life' what 'she' wants to do in the relationship, and eventually tossed the D word on the table. Once I got over my shock (OMFG) and accepted this new reality/possibility, I started looking at women anew. I guess it was just a part of, 'if this is my future life, I might as well start living it.'

And yes, it sucks. Good luck!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm very guilty of feeling the same way (wanting to conduct a revenge affair) I went so far as to create a non-paying account at that site that can't be mentioned here. (initials AM) The account lasted for a day before I realized that it would be a horrible mistake and deleted it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

jayde said:


> Hey - we've haven't been cursed with an affair, but things have gotten pretty bad. She started talking about 'her future life' what 'she' wants to do in the relationship, and eventually tossed the D word on the table. Once I got over my shock (OMFG) and accepted this new reality/possibility, I started looking at women anew. I guess it was just a part of, 'if this is my future life, I might as well start living it.'
> 
> And yes, it sucks. Good luck!


Exactly. I wonder if it is not as much about revenge sex as the looming thoughts of divorce. When my wife and I were talking about divorce a year ago, some of these genderless beings started looking like women.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

John, I think you are having normal reactions. That being said, you need to get your head straight. Personally I have been out of whack for the last couple of years, not due to a cheating spouse, but due to many other factors. About a month ago I decided that the pain of remaining the same was greater than the pain of change, and I decided to start "eating the elephant" (How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time). I have started on small steps to get myself back on a proper path (working out, eating healthier, taking time to just relax and meditate, cleaning messes up in my life). 

It may be time for you to start taking some baby steps to get right with yourself. When you do, you will start to have a clearer picture of where you need to be. Also, your wife will start to notice and possibly work herself onto a better path as well. I know that when I started eating better and walking my wife noticed, and now she is walking with me, cooking healthier meals, and talking about cleaning up some of her messes. 

You CANNOT change other people, you can only change yourself, but by changing yourself sometimes you bring others along. My changes were noticed by my friends, and now 8 of us are pushing each other into making positive changes. There is a ripple effect.


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