# The story of my life



## Good_guy_ (7 mo ago)

I honestly had no idea what category to put this in....Advice, support, affairs, guilt...you name it, I basically have it all covered. Sorry to say, this might be the longest post ever. I just hope people see this as an "addiction" and a cry for help, and not just bash me for my indiscretions.
I'll start by saying that I was not always bad. I went to catholic grade school and was an altar boy even!
High school was the worse 4 years for me though. From a catholic high school to a huge public school was not the best formula. I was bullied and beat on just about every day. Back in the day there was no news or talking about being bullied. So, I had zero confidence going into college, and of course I took a few easy classes at first and was beaten and bullied again by the college basketball team! So, I quit school.
I ended up working part time at a food store for minimum wage. Life going nowhere. Family disappointed in me (I was the only child out of 8 not to graduate college) Drinking too much, getting into drugs.
Then I started getting to know a girl that worked in my department. We had so much fun together. She was older and married, but I was 19-20 years old at the time, so it did not mean anything. Until it did. She and I ended up having an affair for over 9 years. She loved me for ME, saw the good in me, gave me confidence. I got my dream full time job a year later thanks to how she made me feel, and I have been with that company for almost 30 years.
I could not date other girls really in my 20s (prime dating years) because I was so involved with "MW". But things changed towards the end of the affair, and she and I could see that maybe our relationship was gradually ending. So, when I met my now-wife and decided to give her 100% of me, we made an amazing connection. We were married within a year.
2 years after I got married, MW contacted me and asked about my wedding, what my wife was like, where I was living - we just kind of caught up. She was very curious about what my wife looked like, and how I looked in a tuxedo, so we decided to meet so I could show her our wedding album. We agreed to meet at a public pack so we would not be "tempted".
Bad idea.
We were having sex in the car within 15 minutes.
I think part of me wanted MW to know I was willing to make the same sacrifice and cheat on my marriage like she did for over 9 years. And of course, we had an amazing sexual history together.
Trust me, I hated myself for starting up with her again.
But for the next 20 years (yes, 20), she was part of my life. We had a need for each other. We were both getting something that our spouses could not provide. But we always knew neither of us would leave our marriage. I sometimes think about when she had her 30 year wedding anniversary, she was having sex with me on the side for 29 of those years!
Finally, when I turned 52, we decided we had to end things. I had health issues, her husband retired, it was getting more and more harder to see each other.
Plus, she was over 60 by now, and did not have the sexual appetite anymore.
In a way, it was a relief. I could just be a normal, good, decent husband now. Until I met a co-worker of mine 2 years later and we became friends, and then more. 
We had an amazing 2 year affair...I can honestly say I was 100 per cent in love with her. But, I knew down inside that while I could possibly leave my wife for her, I could not leave my kids. They think the world of me. Plus, this girl would never be accepted into my family knowing she was a home wrecker. I hated that it ended, and I will still tear up to this day thinking about her, but I should be happy my life and my marriage is still intact, right?
Nope.
I have had 4 "R rated" single flings since then, and I have seen 1 girl 3 times and have done everything with her BUT intercourse.
I seem to always need more.
Why???
I have had something serious on the side for 23 of our 29 years of marriage. And the sporadic flings since then.
I'm not proud of it, but it's like I need that extra validation or something that I am desired.
I don't like me.
But honestly, every woman I meet, any time I am alone with a girl, I hope something will happen.
How do I make that stop?!?
Unfortunately, during my prime dating years "MW" taught me that you CAN have a family, home, and a marriage...and something on the side too. And nobody has to get hurt.
Not the best lesson to learn when you are young.
I love my wife, I make her very happy, but I am stuck being this serial cheater. I hate it.
Help.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You should get into individual counseling to work on why you need validation bad enough to risk everything for it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Good_guy_ said:


> I honestly had no idea what category to put this in....Advice, support, affairs, guilt...you name it, I basically have it all covered. Sorry to say, this might be the longest post ever. I just hope people see this as an "addiction" and a cry for help, and not just bash me for my indiscretions.
> I'll start by saying that I was not always bad. I went to catholic grade school and was an altar boy even!
> High school was the worse 4 years for me though. From a catholic high school to a huge public school was not the best formula. I was bullied and beat on just about every day. Back in the day there was no news or talking about being bullied. So, I had zero confidence going into college, and of course I took a few easy classes at first and was beaten and bullied again by the college basketball team! So, I quit school.
> I ended up working part time at a food store for minimum wage. Life going nowhere. Family disappointed in me (I was the only child out of 8 not to graduate college) Drinking too much, getting into drugs.
> ...


About the only person that can fix you is Jesus, and I say that with nothing but positive connotations.
You seem to have no conscience.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Why on earth do you think that your moniker "goodguy" is appropriate or deserved? You should know that you are the furthest thing from a good guy and have practically spent all of your life being a scum bag, right?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You should get into individual counseling to work on why you need validation bad enough to risk everything for it.


Or recognize that, in creative writing, you don't just keep on going until you run out of ideas. It strains credibility.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Why now? Why do you care at this point?

Tell your wife.

I bet she will help you change, probably with more energy and conviction than you have right now.

Or maybe she will give you a divorce and you can have the freedom to do as you please.

If you won’t do that then get serious with IC. But that can take years.

Tell your wife is faster and is the right thing to do.
Try doing the right thing for once.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My advice is going to be different than most of the other posters here.

you have lived a double life and your sexual persona has lived in the shadows your whole adult life. That has been part of your being.

if you have a sense of guilt and shame over that, that is YOUR cross to bear and on your shoulders to carry. IMHO it would be wrong to try to assuage your guilt and shame by telling your wife and burdening her with your sense of guilt.

This is assuming you actually stop screwing other women of course and are no longer exposing her to STIs and such.

if you don’t want to keep cheating, then keep it in your pants and and don’t stick it in other people.

Then seek the assistance of a good therapist to determine while you have such a strong need to pursue this underground sexual dynamic for external validation and acceptance and determine therapeutic methods to stop doing it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

First of all your name does not reflect who who are. There is nothing special about you. You are simply a Grade A cheater. Your poor wife has given you the best years of her life, a home and kids. You deserve none of that. And no you don’t love your wife. You don’t know the meaning of love. The best thing you can do for her is let her go. Give her a big settlement. You are nothing but a low level human being. Wonder what your kids would think of you, if they knew, huh?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Because you said you are Catholic I suggest you start by going to confession. Then you pray for the strength to stop what you are going. Get some therapy & learn to say no.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TLDR: OP is a POS.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I saw a post from a female on here recently wanting to start doing what you have done.

I think you should tell your wife, then go out and find a woman who has matching morals and interests, and then be with that person and be open and honest about how you feel about other people.

You probably have some deep down external validation issues.

It is completely unfair to your wife to put her at risk like you are.

You should print out your original post and hand it to her.


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## Good_guy_ (7 mo ago)

I understand all the hatred and bashing on me, lord knows it is deserved. My "goodguy" name on here is similar to an email I created years ago when I was dealing with all the emotions of my affairs and the guilt of helping MW to cheat for decades. BUT, down inside, I am a good person. I do volunteer work once a week, I do the grocery shopping and cooking at home, I always help with chores...I am not ALL bad. Yes, my wife deserves better, but she is so very happy and I would never want to ruin her happiness by admitting to her all the things I have done. What would that solve besides ruining our entire home? There are other sex-related issues that I had a need for, but she was not willing to act on those. (I wont go into details about that here, but might be willing to discuss privately) Needless to say we are not intimate here much. My wife's exact words were that we are "wired differently", so we just avoid it. We go on date nights once a week, we laugh, we cuddle - we are very happy together. 
I had a girl I was talking with online for over 20 years....she is the one I finally met up with and we have seen each other 3 times so far. Anyhow, she put it bluntly once and said that I was a good guy, just "morally challenged". Which pretty much fits.
Somebody asked me how I would feel if MY wife carried on all these affairs behind my back. And honestly, I would be able to deal with it. I learned from MW that my wife could have everything, and something else if she wanted it. I would not be threatened. We could still have a happy home life even with that going on. She is more decent than I am, though, and would never consider doing anything like that.
But, like I said, she and I are "wired differently". We are happy, we are soul mates, we are best friends... I just can't stop these urges to want more and more.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So, why do you remain married? It sounds like you want to be single. If you were in an open marriage for example, and your wife was consenting to all of this, then at least you’re both on the same page. But, if your wife is unaware of your affairs and behaviors outside of the marriage, that sounds like you’re just living a lie. And so is she, if she only knew.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Good_guy_ said:


> We are happy, we are soul mates, we are best friends...


*You *are happy because she doesn't know what you've been up to, in order to be soul mates you both have to have a soul, best friends don't stab each other in the back and risk their health for the sake of some strange.

But, that's ok because it's just STDD.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

There is a lot of telling yourself it is ok, excuses, and blameshifting in what you write.

Your wife is living a lie. Who knows, maybe she knows already and accepts it. I think you are going to feel guilt inside until you can provide honesty.

An affair as long as yours, plus other current affairs shows you are a serial cheater. You need that excitement / rush. This is not normal behavior at all.

Lying consistently to the person you 'love' and share your life with is no way shape or form something a good guy does.

You do those 'good guy' things only to try to convince yourself that you are, but you are not.

What you are doing to your wife is who you are, and no one for a second believes that those other activities make up for abhorrent behavior at all.

It seems like you are so used to lying that you can lie to yourself and believe it.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Good_guy_ said:


> Somebody asked me how I would feel if MY wife carried on all these affairs behind my back. And honestly, I would be able to deal with it.


Proving that you don't love her. 



Good_guy_ said:


> We are happy, we are soul mates, we are best friends...


No, you're not. 



Good_guy_ said:


> I just can't stop these urges to want more and more.


Yes, you can. You just don't want to. It's easier to get your freak on outside the marriage than it is to work on your married sex life. 

Your wife deserves the truth. You've stolen her personal agency, her ability to make informed choices. Do the right thing for once. Set her free to find someone who deserves her.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> *You *are happy because she doesn't know what you've been up to, in order to be soul mates you both have to have a soul, best friends don't stab each other in the back and risk their health for the sake of some strange.
> 
> But, that's ok because it's just STDD.


It’s a case of what his wife doesn’t know, _will_ hurt her.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Good_guy_ said:


> I understand all the hatred and bashing on me, lord knows it is deserved. My "goodguy" name on here is similar to an email I created years ago when I was dealing with all the emotions of my affairs and the guilt of helping MW to cheat for decades. BUT, down inside, I am a good person. I do volunteer work once a week, I do the grocery shopping and cooking at home, I always help with chores...I am not ALL bad. Yes, my wife deserves better, but she is so very happy and I would never want to ruin her happiness by admitting to her all the things I have done.
> …….
> But, like I said, she and I are "wired differently". We are happy, we are soul mates, we are best friends... I just can't stop these urges to want more and more.


So you are God and your “wife” (in name only) is your toy. You have denied her agency; she is not making decisions in her own best interest. And you want to pretend that you are so good at this, there is no downside. That your kids aren’t seeing anything bad that they are picking up as ok.

It doesn’t work that way. You are so good at gas lighting that you’ve gas lighted yourself into thinking you’re an ok person. An ok person would not put their spouse’s health, mental and physical, at risk.

You are not an ok person. You have an opportunity to act on that, to become a better person. You know what you need to do.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Good_guy_ said:


> I understand all the hatred and bashing on me, lord knows it is deserved. My "goodguy" name on here is similar to an email I created years ago when I was dealing with all the emotions of my affairs and the guilt of helping MW to cheat for decades. BUT, down inside, I am a good person. I do volunteer work once a week, I do the grocery shopping and cooking at home, I always help with chores...I am not ALL bad. Yes, my wife deserves better, but she is so very happy and I would never want to ruin her happiness by admitting to her all the things I have done. What would that solve besides ruining our entire home? There are other sex-related issues that I had a need for, but she was not willing to act on those. (I wont go into details about that here, but might be willing to discuss privately) Needless to say we are not intimate here much. My wife's exact words were that we are "wired differently", so we just avoid it. We go on date nights once a week, we laugh, we cuddle - we are very happy together.
> I had a girl I was talking with online for over 20 years....she is the one I finally met up with and we have seen each other 3 times so far. Anyhow, she put it bluntly once and said that I was a good guy, just "morally challenged". Which pretty much fits.
> Somebody asked me how I would feel if MY wife carried on all these affairs behind my back. And honestly, I would be able to deal with it. I learned from MW that my wife could have everything, and something else if she wanted it. I would not be threatened. We could still have a happy home life even with that going on. She is more decent than I am, though, and would never consider doing anything like that.
> But, like I said, she and I are "wired differently". We are happy, we are soul mates, we are best friends... I just can't stop these urges to want more and more.


You really have no idea who or what you are. You are not good, nor decent not any of those things. You have lied to your wife for decades and to yourself. I do not care what you say, when you give yourself to other women, you are taking something from your wife. Perhaps you hide it well but how do you know your wife doesn't already suspect. Women's intuition is real. How do you know your wife is just biding her time. If your needs were not being met (I suspect you have a sex addiction) then you should have confronted the issue and divorced. You are simply a cake eater. Better you divorce, then sleep with whomever you want but you are in no way a good person, on any level. Doing groceries and volunteering means nothing. As it says in the good book "_*You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder."*_


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Didn't feel like adding any comments on this, except that, perhaps, Its a fact that people like you are solely responsible for creation and existence of websites like TAM.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Good_guy_ said:


> We are happy, we are soul mates, we are best friends...


The reality...
You are happy because you have everything you want, but she isn't happy, she is ignorant. Ignorant to the actual dynamic of her marriage. She is living in a lie. 

You aren't soulmates. Soulmates provide everything each other needs, they are ideally suited for each other. Even you can see this isn't true. 

You aren't much of a friend if you think it is okay to lie and hide things from them. She probably does think you are best friends, but only because she is living in ignorance of the true you. I bet you can't even count the number of lies you've told your so called best friend. 

If you were really BFFs and soulmates you would be able to show her the real you, but you can't because you know your fantasy world would come crashing down.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Set her free, man. Please.

Somehow your kids stop you from leaving for a potential partner you could see yourself leaving for, but don’t stop you from all the subsequent affairs. Okay. Sure.

Just release your wife from this sham of a marriage and let her find someone who wants to be HER partner.

Tbh, this might be above our pay grade. We can recommend all the therapists and resources that can help you, but it’s up to you to take the first step and stop trying to deny that what you’re doing to deal with your internal issues with validation is terrible.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Some people are downright conniving. Never put it past anybody folks.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your wife actually has no idea who you really are - and what you’ve done to her.

so no, you aren’t a good guy/husband no matter how you twist your truth.

tell her what’s real. She has a right to know who she is really married to - so she can make an educated decision of what’s best FOR HER future! Quit lying to her!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

A persons actions show their character - and you are lacking… stop harming women!

women aren’t objects to be used for your sole pleasure. Get some professional help!


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

You're lying to your wife every waking hour of the day. None of the other "good things" you do can make up for that. If you have any decency at all, you'd give your wife a divorce and allow her to find someone who is honest with her. That's literally the only decent thing you can do at this point. It's clear you'll never stop lying and cheating. You've robbed your wife of her life, you know that, right? You're the farthest thing from a "good guy."


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## 343359 (Apr 8, 2020)

Good_guy_ said:


> I understand all the hatred and bashing on me, lord knows it is deserved. My "goodguy" name on here is similar to an email I created years ago when I was dealing with all the emotions of my affairs and the guilt of helping MW to cheat for decades. BUT, down inside, I am a good person. I do volunteer work once a week, I do the grocery shopping and cooking at home, I always help with chores...I am not ALL bad. Yes, my wife deserves better, but she is so very happy and I would never want to ruin her happiness by admitting to her all the things I have done. What would that solve besides ruining our entire home? There are other sex-related issues that I had a need for, but she was not willing to act on those. (I wont go into details about that here, but might be willing to discuss privately) Needless to say we are not intimate here much. My wife's exact words were that we are "wired differently", so we just avoid it. We go on date nights once a week, we laugh, we cuddle - we are very happy together.
> I had a girl I was talking with online for over 20 years....she is the one I finally met up with and we have seen each other 3 times so far. Anyhow, she put it bluntly once and said that I was a good guy, just "morally challenged". Which pretty much fits.
> Somebody asked me how I would feel if MY wife carried on all these affairs behind my back. And honestly, I would be able to deal with it. I learned from MW that my wife could have everything, and something else if she wanted it. I would not be threatened. We could still have a happy home life even with that going on. She is more decent than I am, though, and would never consider doing anything like that.
> But, like I said, she and I are "wired differently". We are happy, we are soul mates, we are best friends... I just can't stop these urges to want more and more.


One you never experienced the hell and blow back from your actions! 2 obviously the married woman turned you out and created a soul tie meaning y’all were connected on a spiritual level but in the worse way and it’s all you ever known! Seem like u never knew what commit was from the beginning! Ima be honest with you you need serious prayer and deliverance along with therapy! If your family knew the real you not the person you are in public but the real you that comes out behind closed doors you would truly see the mess and filth you have accumulated over the year! This is not judgement but our actions have a way of painting a clear picture! I pray you get the help you need for your family sake!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

loblawbobblog said:


> You're lying to your wife every waking hour of the day. None of the other "good things" you do can make up for that. If you have any decency at all, you'd give your wife a divorce and allow her to find someone who is honest with her. That's literally the only decent thing you can do at this point. It's clear you'll never stop lying and cheating. You've robbed your wife of her life, you know that, right? You're the farthest thing from a "good guy."


At this point, the bigger issue may be lying to his new GF. That woman (the new GF) could still have a future with someone who wouldn’t be denying her agency. He is literally stealing time from her, something we don’t have an endless supply of.


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## Good_guy_ (7 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> At this point, the bigger issue may be lying to his new GF. That woman (the new GF) could still have a future with someone who wouldn’t be denying her agency. He is literally stealing time from her, something we don’t have an endless supply of.


I really do not have a "new girlfriend". I've seen the1 girl 3 times total in the past year. We live a couple states apart, so it will never be a regular thing. She has her own life, but makes time for me whenever I am able to see her.


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