# husband cheated



## chrissyinchicago (Nov 24, 2012)

I'm looking for opinions on something my husband told me after I found out he had an emotional (possibly physical affair).

First, I should mention that the other woman broke it off, not him. I asked him if he had any intention of ending the affair, and he said "no". He said that he loved us both and would have continued it as long as he could. Honestly, it makes me feel as though I were never enough for him. I'm not sure if I can forgive him, and if I do it will take a long time. 

But what do you all think of this? Would you stay with someone who told you this, would you try to rebuild your marriage? fyi, we have no children and financially I could leave if I chose to. He, however, would have issues supporting himself financially.


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## shattered32 (Nov 19, 2012)

I am possibly going to end up working things out with my wife , or atleast attempting to work things out with her - the reason this effort or inclination to try exists is because she says she made a mistake and that there is nothing happening with the OM now nor will it ever happen again - if she had told me that the only reason i want to work things out with you is because the OM dumped me - i would not be interested in working anything out.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

chrissyinchicago said:


> I'm looking for opinions on something my husband told me after I found out he had an emotional (possibly physical affair).
> 
> First, I should mention that the other woman broke it off, not him. I asked him if he had any intention of ending the affair, and he said "no". He said that he loved us both and would have continued it as long as he could. Honestly, it makes me feel as though I were never enough for him. I'm not sure if I can forgive him, and if I do it will take a long time.
> 
> But what do you all think of this? Would you stay with someone who told you this, would you try to rebuild your marriage? fyi, we have no children and financially I could leave if I chose to. He, however, would have issues supporting himself financially.


I wouldn't. I would never want to be with a person who doesn't want to be with me and only me. Some things are too precious fo rme to share with others and a marriage is one of them.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I have no hesitation is saying "be done" with him. Like Shattered, I'm trying to hang in there and go through reconciliation only because my wayward spouse is saying/doing all the things a remorseful spouse must do for reconciliation. I recommend reading this thread, which is for newbies, and which may help you determine the appropriate course of action. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

I feel so sorry for you (and for myself) for having to go through this nightmare which we can't wake up from.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

chrissyinchicago said:


> I'm looking for opinions on something my husband told me after I found out he had an emotional (possibly physical affair).
> 
> First, I should mention that the other woman broke it off, not him. *I asked him if he had any intention of ending the affair, and he said "no". He said that he loved us both and would have continued it as long as he could. *Honestly, it makes me feel as though I were never enough for him. I'm not sure if I can forgive him, and if I do it will take a long time.
> 
> But what do you all think of this? Would you stay with someone who told you this, would you try to rebuild your marriage? fyi, we have no children and financially I could leave if I chose to. He, however, would have issues supporting himself financially.


The bold above. At least he was honest. That helps.

You have no kids. Stay that way for now till you sort yourself out.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are his Plan B. If it were me, I would definitely leave him.


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## shattered32 (Nov 19, 2012)

The key difference being that our spouses did not say that they would have 'preferred' to continue the affair if the other person was willing




totallyunexpected said:


> . Like Shattered, I'm trying to hang in there and go through reconciliation only because my wayward spouse is saying/doing all the things a remorseful spouse must do for reconciliation.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No kids and you are financial able to leave?

Then do it. He would still be cheating on you if his OW hadn't decided she was over him.

That's disturbing. Who's to say he won't cheat again?


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> No kids and you are financial able to leave?
> 
> Then do it. He would still be cheating on you if his OW hadn't decided she was over him.
> 
> That's disturbing. Who's to say he won't cheat again?


I am in a similar situation except he hasn't come to me saying he wants to try again. If he does, I will give him ONE chance and he will have to work within my rules and do lots of counseling, which he hates. But, if he comes and says he only wants to be with me because the OW won't have him anymore, then no way. I am worth more.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

chrissyinchicago said:


> I'm looking for opinions on something my husband told me after I found out he had an emotional (possibly physical affair).
> 
> First, I should mention that the other woman broke it off, not him. I asked him if he had any intention of ending the affair, and he said "no". He said that he loved us both and would have continued it as long as he could. Honestly, it makes me feel as though I were never enough for him. I'm not sure if I can forgive him, and if I do it will take a long time.
> 
> But what do you all think of this? Would you stay with someone who told you this, would you try to rebuild your marriage? fyi, we have no children and financially I could leave if I chose to. He, however, would have issues supporting himself financially.


I question if this man understands love... He wanted to have sex with both of you, but love the both of you? I bet he gave this line to the OW, and possibly why she cut it off. 

I'm not going to advice you on what you should do. You sound mature enough to know what would be best. But, if you decide to stay, your marriage would require some serious professional intervention.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

chrissyinchicago said:


> First, I should mention that the other woman broke it off, not him. I asked him if he had any intention of ending the affair, and he said "no". He said that he loved us both and would have continued it as long as he could.


I would not bother to to even talk to him again except through your lawyer. Leave him, he sounds like an inconsiderate boob.

Please see here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...en-your-spouce-truly-sincere.html#post1234793


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## chrissyinchicago (Nov 24, 2012)

Shattered and TotallyUnexpected, so sorry to hear you've been betrayed as well. It's an awful experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

Thanks all for listening and for your advice. It's such a tough situation. I was ready to through him out when I first found out, but didn't because he threatened suicide. I wasn't really sure what to do. 

He did try to push part of the blame for his affair on me. Saying that I worked too much, (which I did work crazy hours, but it only lasted 3 months). He also accused me, saying that I've probably already had an affair (which I never have, I've always been faithful). If it wasn't for his own emotional instability (he was diagnosed being bipolar) I probably would have left by now.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

chrissyinchicago said:


> Shattered and TotallyUnexpected, so sorry to hear you've been betrayed as well. It's an awful experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
> 
> Thanks all for listening and for your advice. It's such a tough situation. I was ready to through him out when I first found out, but didn't because he threatened suicide. I wasn't really sure what to do.
> 
> He did try to push part of the blame for his affair on me. Saying that I worked too much, (which I did work crazy hours, but it only lasted 3 months). He also accused me, saying that I've probably already had an affair (which I never have, I've always been faithful). If it wasn't for his own emotional instability (he was diagnosed being bipolar) I probably would have left by now.


Please don't stay with someone because they threaten suicide and are bi polar, watched my mum do that and it did NOT end up with a happy ending.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

chrissyinchicago said:


> Shattered and TotallyUnexpected, so sorry to hear you've been betrayed as well. It's an awful experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
> 
> Thanks all for listening and for your advice. It's such a tough situation. I was ready to through him out when I first found out, but didn't because he threatened suicide. I wasn't really sure what to do.
> 
> He did try to push part of the blame for his affair on me. Saying that I worked too much, (which I did work crazy hours, but it only lasted 3 months). He also accused me, saying that I've probably already had an affair (which I never have, I've always been faithful). If it wasn't for his own emotional instability (he was diagnosed being bipolar) I probably would have left by now.


I would still leave. How humiliating to so openly be told that he wants his cake and eat it, too.

And then to get you to stay by being unstable & threatening suicide. You should stiffen your spine and leave for a better life for yourself. Don't stay to take care of a man who thinks so little of you.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think you should end this relationship.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Ask him now, if the OW would take him back, would he rekindle the affair now that you know about it? If he says yes, then dump him for 100% certain. That would be such a ridiculous slap in your face.

However, if he said, no, I've seen how much it hurt you, and I couldn't ever do that again.....then maybe you have some hope.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

He sounds very unstable. I don't think you should subject yourself to a man who is Bi polar, threatening suicide and cheating on you. You deserve so much better than this. 

Instead of breaking things off cold turkey maybe you could get him to stay with family or friends for a few weeks to allow things to cool off. Then make plans to remove him from your life for good. 

Think about what's best for you. Do not worry about him, he surly didn't give a crap about your feelings when he was cheating on you and putting your life at risk.

Get tested for STD immediately


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You are his Plan B. If it were me, I would definitely leave him.


Nope. I don't think she was his plan B. He HAD no plan A,B or C!

He had fallen in love with two women and wanted to have both of them for as long as he could. Which is very unfair on his wife.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

chrissyinchicago said:


> I'm looking for opinions on something my husband told me after I found out he had an emotional (possibly physical affair).
> 
> First, I should mention that the other woman broke it off, not him. I asked him if he had any intention of ending the affair, and he said "no". He said that he loved us both and would have continued it as long as he could. Honestly, it makes me feel as though I were never enough for him. I'm not sure if I can forgive him, and if I do it will take a long time.
> 
> But what do you all think of this? Would you stay with someone who told you this, would you try to rebuild your marriage? fyi, we have no children and financially I could leave if I chose to. He, however, would have issues supporting himself financially.


Look at your life as a whole, and then maybe even talk to a therapist. If I were in your shoes, and if he has always been callous with your feelings, I'd probably leave. I have a son and no income so that complicated things. What are your views on marriage and relationships in general and do you think he'll go to therapy with you?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Ditch the [email protected] Leave, no RUN the other way. If he wants to "commit suicide" for his own selfish reasons - that's on him, that's his problem. Not yours. You owe him absolutely nothing at all.

If I were you and he threatened suicide, I'd tell him that too. Not my problem, I owe you nothing, own your sh!t.


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## chrissyinchicago (Nov 24, 2012)

> What are your views on marriage and relationships in general and do you think he'll go to therapy with you?


My view is that two people who are married should respect each other enough to talk things through before being disloyal. And if I were giving advice to someone in my shoes, I'd probably say leave as well. But it's so difficult for me to do. As odd as it sounds I do still care about his well-being. 

This all happened a few months ago. And we both did go to therapy, individually. After about two months my therapist said that I was level-headed enough that I didn't need regular visits and to make appointments as I needed. My husband, went during times while I was at work. He stopped going a month ago, but continued to tell me he was going. He also doesn't think he needs to take medication for being bipolar. 

Part of the reason he claimed he had an affair was that he was depressed and needed medication. But now I'm wondering if that was all an act to get me to stay with him.



> If I were you and he threatened suicide, I'd tell him that too. Not my problem, I owe you nothing, own your sh!t.


My brother tells me the same thing. But I know if he committed suicide, I'd feel responsible. It's just the way I am. My therapist told me I have a really big heart. But I think it works against me sometimes.


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