# how hurt would you be if your spouse told you this??



## amidnightsky34 (Dec 6, 2010)

this is what I am feeling, and I know that i need to tell my husband, but I am afraid it will hurt him too much and I don't want that. I would rather suffer in silence and hope that it will get better than hurt him.

I had issues with depression in the past, which my husband helped me through my worst phases of it back when we were just friends. We got married when I was 21, had kids when I was 22. I went from living at home with my parents all throughout college to being married. (same summer that I graduated college and turned 21 I got married).

Now I feel depressed again a lot and I feel like it is because I got married and had kids too young. I always jump at the chance when grandparents ask if they can have the kids overnight to have a break from them, and I usually wish it could be a longer stay. I am a great mom to them because I have to be, but I think if i had the choice to do it over again I would have waited several more years before having kids and probably even before getting married again.

I'm trying to judge how my hubby is going to react, so my question is, how would you feel if your spouse came to you one day and said that they are unhappy because they got married too young and had kids too young?

With that in mind, is there a point in telling him if there is nothing that I am wanting to change in either of those aspects? I'm not wanting to change the fact that I am currently married or have kids, I am just unhappy that I did it young and missed out on the 'independant' phase of my life. Will it just cause undue stress or hurt to him to basically tell him I'm unhappy I married him and there's nothing he can do about it?

I have tried going back on antidepressants because I was having some other medical problems and the doctors thought antideps might help the other stuff. I was glad that they went that route, cuz I was hoping they would help with the depression without having to tell hubby that I was depressed again. Needless to say, I was on the same antidep I was on years ago for a few months and nothing changed with my depression. Then I was taken off that (since it didnt help with the med probs) and switched rapidly between several other antideps (cuz my doc was a moron) and so it probably screwed me up emotionally a little, but it's been several months now that i've been off all of them, so I should have balanced back out now.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

amidnightsky34 said:


> how would you feel if your spouse came to you one day and said that they are unhappy because they got married too young and had kids too young?
> 
> With that in mind, is there a point in telling him if there is nothing that I am wanting to change in either of those aspects? I'm not wanting to change the fact that I am currently married or have kids, I am just unhappy that I did it young and missed out on the 'independant' phase of my life.


I would say it depends on how you say this to him, and what you are hoping to accomplish or get out of it by sharing these thoughts.

Meaning...Since you've said you DO want to stay married to him and are NOT looking for a way out, if you say "I'm unhappy about what happened in the past--getting married and having kids too young" it may not have much point and may cause undue stress and hurt. BUT if you say:

"I feel like I may have missed out on some things because we got married and had kids so young. I love you, and I want to be a happy person who lives a fuller life. Can you support me as I add things to my life that help me feel more fulfilled?"

For example...if you feel you missed out on school, adventure, exploring, learning, girlfriends, fitness, whatever...let your husband know you want more of that in your life, and let him know a way he can support you in pursuing that. Find out if he can take responsibility for the kids one or two days/nights a week to give you a chance to do things independently, or discuss if and how you might be able to finance classes or school for yourself. (Since you've already said you DO want to stay married and you wouldn't trade in the life you have now, dating as a single person obviously isn't an option that your husband can support you in pursuing.)

See what I mean? Let him know your feelings, but in a forward-looking way, not backwards-looking, and in a way that empowers him to support you, and empowers you to find solutions.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Hi...I understand how you feel. I'm sure you've read my posts. I got married at 25, met my husband in August, had a long distance relationship for six months, then got together. Dated about a year, maybe less, then got married. Then within a year, had our first child. I know now that things went WAY too fast! And I regret it! I love him, love our family and our life in many ways, but in many ways I am so sad and have been for years. 

I also wondered if I was suffering from depression or something. Well yes, maybe, but depression from the situation, from being unhappy and feeling "trapped" in a marriage I suppose. 

I regret not doing my own thing, finishing my college degree, having a job, taking care of myself, dating more, really taking the time to find out what I wanted in a life mate. 

I married the first "decent" guy that came along. Yes, he's great, but over time I have come to realize our differences, opinions of things, religious views, just deep core things, if you know what I mean. 

We just don't "connect" and have really grown apart. Sure, we get along, we are raising kids together, it works for the most part. But that "passion" or deep respect and love for someone, is just not there. And we have no sexual chemistry. Well, I don't for him anyway. When he touches me, kisses me, it's like I'm doing it with a brother or friend. It just turns me off SO much. That is due to a LONG history of things I won't go into, but also just mainly because we never had that sexual, intimate connection from the beginning. 

When I met him, he had so many other great qualities and we became such good friends, that I thought that sexual part would either come with time, or wasn't all that important. I had had previous relationships with great sex, but the guys turned out to be total A-holes, so I thought...here's a nice guy, FINAlLY! I thought I could sacrifice that sexual piece - that it wasn't important in the long run. That over the years, sexual attraction isn't important, not what gets you through a marriage. Well, that's true to a point - but you should still want to touch and be intimate with the person you are with. 

So over the years, I have discovered how important that sexual piece really is! It's part of the whole package and you either have it, or you don't! Yes, it takes work and of course marriage goes up and down, and those sexual feelings diminish. But to not want to touch, or even give a peck on the cheek, says a lot about the relationship. And I don't not want that, and probably never will with him. It sucks, but that is the reality and what's in my heart! I cry and cry because I wish and pray I could get that feeling back...but not sure I ever will. I don't feel anything sexual with him AT ALL. And I have met guys while I was married and DID feel that with. I have had that sexual attraction with two other men...just bad timing - I was already married. It sucks sucks sucks. Got married TOO YOUNG. Should have waited until I found the WHOLE package. I think that is the problem with most marriages. Women especially should really wait until they are in their 30s or 40s to get married. Once they know themselves, have their own lives, then they can share that with someone else.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

amidnightsky34 said:


> With that in mind, is there a point in telling him if there is nothing that I am wanting to change in either of those aspects? I'm not wanting to change the fact that I am currently married or have kids, I am just unhappy that I did it young and missed out on the 'independant' phase of my life. Will it just cause undue stress or hurt to him to basically tell him I'm unhappy I married him and there's nothing he can do about it?


I don't think it will help to tell your husband that you are depressed because you got married too young and had kids too young. What might help you is to talk to your husband about being independent...I am not sure what that means for you but if you feel you are in a rut being wife/mom 24/7, maybe you would benefit by doing some things on your own, or with other married women (dinner, etc.)

It's easy to get caught up in a catch-22 with depression...where you don't feel like doing anything yet it's making you feel worse. Do you work out? It is great for moods and can also be something you can do on your own.

I am not sure you missed much when you were younger by not being on your own, but if you had, you wouldn't be questioning whether you missed out at this point in your life...I think that is the real benefit of being on your own before marriage.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Here's the good thing about life  I'm lamenting to my wife the other day that we should have gotten married when we met and had kids right away! 

Back to you - If you ware feeling this way, I'm thinking that you perceive something "fun" missing from your life. Kids can beat the fun right out of you sometimes and at other times be the "FUN"! 

Do you and your husband make plenty of time for each other on a regular basis - without the kids? Our relationship almost died because my wife and I did not take the time to continue bonding with each other and having fun together as a couple after the kids arrived. Additional factors such as not having any family within a 600 mile radius to our work location and not trusting anyone with our babies really put us in a hole that we almost could not climb out of. (But we are recovering - THANK GOD!)

Another factor, at least for my wife, was that I was negligent on my part as a Dad and Husband - pouring myself into work instead of working on my relationship with my family. It seems like at some point over the last year that something "WOKE" me up and I have definitely made changes. 

I would tell your husband of your concerns. Prefaced that you are just having regrets about the past and are not wanting out of the marriage and that you still love him and the family. 

Good Luck!


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## amidnightsky34 (Dec 6, 2010)

I did read some of your other posts. I understand what you mean. I am not 100% sexually attracted to my husband either. Not to get too graphical, but guys will get turned on by their wife in a sexy outfit or as their getting dressed/out of the shower/etc, but I see my hubby that way and dont feel it unless it had just been a long time since we had sex and so i'm in 'the mood'. Most of the time when he wants to have sex I dont. I'm not totally turned off by him or anything, but just kinda middle ground i guess. 

I agree that we should wait until we are older to get married. I wanted to wait until I was older, and I told my hubby that before we got married, but he just would say things like, we love eachother, so why wait? and after several times of really not having a good answer, i stopped saying it and started buying in to his excitement over getting married and plans of starting a life together. 

He's a good husband and good to me for the most part, but he's not the same as the college best friend that I married. I wish he would help out more around the house and with the kids, but he gets home from work and sits in front of the tv and will basically watch tv all night. He does help some, he loves to cook so he makes dinner some nights, and he does about 1/3-1/2 of getting the kids to bed. but he leaves trash and clothes and dishes and messes all over the house and expects me to pick up after him like i'm his mom. He is so quick to offer help to other people, but if it's me, i have to ask for help. I hate asking for help for one, because most of the time it's not something that i really need him to do because i'm incapable of it, but i just would like him to so that i dont have to do it all myself... but if i ask him to, it's like admitting i can't do it. i shouldnt always need to ask (for example, if i say "it's the kids bedtime" and get up to start getting one kid dressed for bed, then he should recognize that cue, pause the stupid tv, and get up to get the other one ready for bed, instead of just sitting there until I do it all, or expect me to ask for help)
but especially for his mess, i shouldnt be having to ask him to clean it up, so i'll already be agitated and i'll say it as more of an "arent you going to pick that up?" so then he says i'm being mean and he wont do it just to spite me. when we try to have an actual conversation about this stuff, which we have had a few times now, he says that since i am just home all day with the kids that all this stuff is my responsibility and he is already doing way more than he should by helping with some of the dinners, and he shouldnt have to do anymore than he's already doing... but fine, he'll do a little more if that's what it will take for me to stop being cranky.
when i was pregnant with my son, i was working from home as an in-home daycare provider with two kids working 40 hours a week. I STILL had to do all of the housework, most of the dinners, most of taking care of our son... his reasoning? because for my job as a daycare provider, the house had to be clean, so technically i was getting paid to clean the house. I was pregnant, working full time, and a full time stay at home mom. and still expected to take care of the entire household.
Anyway, I totally went off topic there quite a bit but I guess that has been bugging me or I wouldnt have felt the need....
In response to the other post, it would be a great idea to take a night a week to go out with friends, or join a class or something of that nature, but I don't have any friends (lost touch with them when I moved across country after getting married, now moved back) and since being a stay at home mom, not really any opportunities to meet new people. And we are financially at a place where there is absolutely no room in our budget for any sort of weekly or even monthly classes or outings, and my hubby is going to be starting his masters classes soon as required by his job. (Oh yeah, forgot to mention in my list of responsibilities that I also handle all our budgeting and bill paying, not that that stops my hubby from just going and buying whatever he wants whenever he wants, and then telling me my budget system must not be very good because he doesnt understand why we are so close to the negative again.)


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## amidnightsky34 (Dec 6, 2010)

swedish said:


> I am not sure you missed much when you were younger by not being on your own, but if you had, you wouldn't be questioning whether you missed out at this point in your life...I think that is the real benefit of being on your own before marriage.


I don't necessarily think that i missed something, rather then i missed a time where there was nothing. No responsibilites, nothing tying me down, etc. I could come and go as I please. If i'm not hungry at 6pm, I don't have to worry about dinner anyway cuz my kids need to eat, etc etc. 

I don't work out. I have heard that it can be really good for your mood... but I have medical problems... i get dizzy and pass out for no apparent reason, so this has kept me from most forms of exercise as well.

I think i'm at the point where with my depression i feel like i've always been on a rollar coaster, and this is another down. Maybe feeling like the unhappiness is because of marriage/kids too young is just being played up by the depression and once i go back up into the "up" phase of the rollar coaster i'll realize that i was kinda over-reacting, and to tell my hubby now would hurt him for no reason. (or maybe i'm just trying to find an excuse to get out of telling him?)

But maybe it's better to wait it out and suffer in silence. I've been looking for a part-time job, and he knows that I would like some time out or something to get a little break every once in a while, so in part he knows a little bit of how i feel without knowing how bad it really is.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

amidnightsky34 said:


> He is so quick to offer help to other people, but if it's me, i have to ask for help. I hate asking for help for one, because most of the time it's not something that i really need him to do because i'm incapable of it, but i just would like him to so that i dont have to do it all myself...


 Would you say your #1 Love language is "*Acts of Service*" -you feel MOST LOVED /appreciated when your husband "helps you around the house" -doing things without your asking ? Many women want this & need this from their husbands, it helps take their stress away & allows them to relax, have more peace in their household. But husbands sometimes don't understand this -as it is not the way "they" personally think, they often separate what they perceive thier job to be & the wives (as in some of the comments your husband has made). Your husband may have a completely different primary Love language - which you might be missing as well. SO you are left feeling unfullfilled , and he may be as well. 

I am different, I am not bothered by doing all of these things 
myself (I am also a stay at home mom), but if my husband was distant to me, or not affectionate enough, this would upset ME terribly (my primary Love Language is *Physical Touch*). 

Other Love Languages are *Words of Affirmation*, *Quality Time*, and *Gifts*. 





amidnightsky34 said:


> when we try to have an actual conversation about this stuff, which we have had a few times now, he says that since i am just home all day with the kids that all this stuff is my responsibility and he is already doing way more than he should by helping with some of the dinners, and he shouldnt have to do anymore than he's already doing... but fine, he'll do a little more if that's what it will take for me to stop being cranky..)


I don't think he is understanding this makes you feel LOVED. 
Think about getting this book and reading /exploring it together -so you both can understand each other Love languages. Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary Chapman: Books Once you both start to understand where the other is coming from, if you both adjust your ways to please each other , this will greatly benefit the harmony in your marraige. 



amidnightsky34 said:


> a night a week to go out with friends, or join a class or something of that nature, but I don't have any friends (lost touch with them when I moved across country after getting married, now moved back) and since being a stay at home mom, not really any opportunities to meet new people.


How old are your kids ? If less than 1st grade, have your considered joining a "MOPS" group? (Can check to see if any in your area here) What is a MOPS Group? They are all over the United States in almost every city. I have been involved with Mops for the last 13 yrs. We have had many new Moms come from out of state, they feel they are all alone, no family, looking to make new friends. All groups are probably similar, we meet about twice a month, do activities outside of the group as well.
A great way to make new friends & get out a little bit. They have volunteers who watch the kids while you hang out with the Moms. (Crafts, food, speakers, etc).


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## amidnightsky34 (Dec 6, 2010)

You're right. I think i do feel loved when he helps around the house because I feel like he's wanting to help in caring for our household, not just live in it. But that is only a part of it. The other part is the part that I hate when he is sitting on the couch for 5+ hours most evenings staring at the tv and then leaves his trash sitting around. He's just as bad at cleaning up after himself as my 4 year old.

We lived with my in-laws for a few months, and my MIL is really picky about keeping her house clean. After 5 months of being there, and my husband doing a good job at picking up after himself, I thought he'd be much better, but he just resorted back to his old ways once we got into our own place again. I mean it's stuff like the empty pretzel back sitting on the coffee table from his snack yesterday, numerous cups left on end tables, receipts and papers and other pocket things left on tables and his dresser (which i have refused to dust if it is not cleared off, so now has about 2 months of dust on it). he brings in his lunch bag, and just leaves it sit, in the morning empties the containers into the sink with the crusted remains of lunch in it for me to clean. I told him i draw the line there... those are his containers from his lunch that i had nothing to do with. his lunch = his mess. he just is a slob around the house. 

with laundry... i do all the kids laundry, all of my own, and i do all of his except i only put away his hanging clothes (dress shirts/polos/dress pants) and all the folded stuff and underclothes go back in the laundry basket and i set it on his bed for him to put away. (alone i dont think this is unreasonable because it's his clothes, and i dont really know where he wants to keep it all or how he wants it organized, but i used to put it away for him, and after a few times of him instead of thanking me for doing it, he criticized that i put something in the wrong place, or where did i put this or that cuz he can't find it... i said fine, u put it away yourself). now those clean laundry baskets sit in his room for usually around 2 weeks before he puts the clothes away. Generally they're about half empty by then, because he will wear clothes out of it. After trying my hardest to get him to put away his clothes (a minor thing after doing all of his laundry for him) I've made the rule that I won't do his laundry if there are any laundry baskets still in his room. So now in addition to laundry baskets in the room, i have to see dirty clothes all over the floor because of course his hamper is overflowing all the time. I'm making a new rule now that I'm going to keep track of when the basket goes in his room and when he puts the clothes away, and i'm going to wait equally as long before i do any more of his laundry. So if i do a load of laundry and it takes him a week to put it away, then i'm waiting another week before i do anymore... so he has to wait, or do it himself. maybe those extremes will get him to take the 5 minutes it takes to put some clothes away.

On a side note, there was one day that I had been doing laundry all day because our dryer was having issues and taking longer to dry... so by the time the last load was done, it was late and i just wanted to go to bed. hubby was sitting on the couch watching tv, as usual, and kids were sleeping. i asked if he could help me fold it cuz i was tired and wanted to go to bed, and if we both did it it'd get done faster and he said "no that's you're job". and just sat there the whole time while i was folding it... 

is this split of household chores really that unreasonable?
listing myself first, then him

vacuuming/dusting: 99%-1%
laundry: 98%-2%
cooking: 60%-40%
cleaning dishes: 75%-25%
picking up: 60%-25% (15% doesnt get done)
kid care: 80%-20%
outside care: 10%-90% (but we live in a duplex with a very small yard)
budgeting/bill pay: 95%-5%


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

amidnightsky34 said:


> is this split of household chores really that unreasonable?
> listing myself first, then him
> 
> vacuuming/dusting: 99%-1%
> ...


It really makes no difference what anyone else thinks here, just how you & your husband resolve this. I can see these things are a MAJOR PROBLEM at your house. He does sound rather lazy if not getting up from the TV from the moment he gets home to going to bed. Very unmotivated to do much. 

At our house, with me being a stay at home Mom with still 5 kids at home, I do just about 95-100% of most of those and willingly -except 2 of those you list :
*1)* *kids *- I would say 50/50 -he is sitting here helping our daughter with her homework right now cause he knows I HATE doing it , he just is more happy to help than me and 

*2)* *outside care*, we have 3 full hours of grass cutting + weed wacking with 2 rider movers, he does MORE than me cause I often break down the movers (getting stuck on a rock or root, breaking belts) if I try this while he is at work -then he comes home to more work! but I still LOVE helping him out so I have more time with him when he is at home. For me, it is all about getting EVERYTHING done while he is at work so me & him have MORE time to spend together, relax & enjoy our nights, whether to do something with the kids or get out alone. I start working the moment he leaves for work (laundry, cooking, cleaning, bills, shopping, etc) & try to get all finished by the time he hits the door coming home. 

As you , I definetely get UPSET when my kids leave numerous cups, wrappers, dishes, and not cleaning up their toys around the house (husband never does these things), I DO put my foot down & yell & MAKE them clean up immediately when I see this, as I will NOT do it !  I understand your madness. Your husband should be giving you this much respect, especially if he has done this at his mothers house. His behavior should be consistent. 

I understand not wanting the family to become slobs, this will only help in their future marraiges to be able to pick up after themselves. Their future wives will be thankful thier Mother did not baby them too much, waiting on them hand & foot. I often throw this out to my sons about how their wives will not put up with this, and neither will I.


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## amidnightsky34 (Dec 6, 2010)

How old are your kids? You say that you are a stay at home mom, but then you said about your kids having homework. I think there is a HUGE difference between being a stay at home mom of young kids and school age kids. Things would be totally different if both of my kids were in full time school and I had 7-8 hours a day to get all the housework done. I would have no probably happily getting everything done as you say while my hubby is at work so that when everyone gets home we can enjoy our evenings together. 

That is not the case for me. I have an 18 month old and a 4 year old, who just started preschool this year, but only goes 4 days for about 3 hours a day (closer to 4 if you count bussing time). And those fridays that he is home are a nightmare because he doesnt have the huge gym to run around in, the 15 other kids to play with, all the structured activities of a preschool, etc, and he acts up so much more. People always say "terrible twos" i thought oh we are so lucky, the twos werent bad at all. but then the three's came along, and we realized those were worse. now he just turned 4 and he's about the same as 3 was. Anyway. Much of my day is taken up just in the every day taking care of them that my husband doesnt even see happening because he's not around and doesnt have to do it on a daily basis. And I spend more time playing with them/reading to them/etc during the week than we do on the weekends. When my hubby is home on weekends, he sits and watches tv most of the day while the kids play around him, so he thinks that since it's easy for him to do that, then that's all i must be doing all day every day. of course it doesnt help that a lot of days after my daughter goes to nap, i get a bunch of stuff done, then finally get to sit down for a half hour or so, and that's when my hubby comes home. Makes me want to watch for him to get home with a dust rag in my hand or something and jump up and finish instead of finishing it all before i sit down to relax.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I too married too young, had kids too young, married the wrong person - turns out she suffers from borderline personality disorder and was horrible after the first few wonderful years. See uptown's posts on the subject.

I regretted missing the 70's, I had two kids by 1975, a full time job, a mortgage, and a wife who made walking on eggshells a daily fact. I love my kids, they have been the focus of my life, my greatest joy. They were out of college by my mid 40s, today in their mid and late 30s, one with children of his own, they all bring me immense happiness, we love each other deeply.

I've known directly and indirectly other people who regret marrying too young, not being independent, not being carefree, and now, after a lot of counseling and years of reflecting am convinced these issues are not the root cause of unhappiness, it is depression that causes them to appear to be the problem - depression can affect anyone, there are physical causes - pain, some neurological diseases, lack of sleep, lack of exercise (I know you can't), and many more. Depression is not a moral issue, it just is.

If you add life experiences - in my case the deaths of six friends in the course of 14 months when I was not yet 20 - depression can settle into your mind and cause happy moments to feel dark. It took 18 years to come to grips with their deaths and many, many hours talking with a very wise, caring man.

I strongly, strongly suggest you tell your husband you are depressed, you need to see a good psychiatrist - not your GP - to discuss your depression and possible Rx of an anti-depressant - see my earlier posts on this topic - tell the Dr. that if s/he wants to prescribe an A/D that it be one that it is easy to stop - a lot are very difficult to get off. Effexor and Paxil are on the don't take unless you plan on using them for the rest of your life, they are not the only ones.

Ask the psychiatrist to recommend several good counselors, talk to as many as possible before you commit time, money and energy.
I found writing my thoughts in the form of emails and sending them to a close, critical friend, helped me focus on both joys and sorrows.

I'm older than you, have reached the point in my life where I know I'm not immortal, I am living every day as if it were my last, Carpe Diem (latin for "seize the day") has become my motto.

I've been on A/Ds for almost a decade, they have made my life much more enjoyable, much happier, given me the strength to make life altering decisions based on choosing a fuller, happier life, not taking easy routes. I need the A/Ds because of a neurological disease's biological effects, the destruction it causes to nerve cells releases some nasty substances.

Please get treatment for your depression, you and your family will be happier whether you use talk, pills, or a combination. 

I hope this helps.

Mark




amidnightsky34 said:


> this is what I am feeling, and I know that i need to tell my husband, but I am afraid it will hurt him too much and I don't want that. I would rather suffer in silence and hope that it will get better than hurt him.
> 
> I had issues with depression in the past, which my husband helped me through my worst phases of it back when we were just friends. We got married when I was 21, had kids when I was 22. I went from living at home with my parents all throughout college to being married. (same summer that I graduated college and turned 21 I got married).
> 
> ...


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## amidnightsky34 (Dec 6, 2010)

I think the thing that makes me hesitant the most is that I have tried a combination of both talking to a Christian therapist and taking meds. They helped a little maybe. But I had more 'happy' things around me at that time, and maybe just not as many sad situations to get me down, i dunno. But I was better for a while, or so it seemed. Now i'm just back to feeling depressed again, and the emotional rollar coaster. So to me, it's like why bother? It may help for a little while, but then it will only be a matter of time before I'm right back here again. I do not want to be in a treatment plan for the rest of my life (whether it's meds or therapy) I dont want to have to always need it. 

I have tried going back on A/D's... my doc's put me on some for a little while because it supposedly would help my med problems (dizziness), which it didnt... I was on zoloft, which is what I had been on before, for about 3 months or so. then weaned off that. Was off meds for at least a few weeks, then my cardiologist put me on celexa, paxil, and lexapro not more than about a week each, without any time in between... he switched because i was having side effects, most made my dizziness a lot worse and since that was what they were trying to cure... anyway, switching between those meds so fast probably didnt help either, which is part of the reason i'm not seeing that doctor anymore. But the time with zoloft i was actually glad when i was prescribed that because i had already been feeling depressed more at that time, so i was glad for the meds without having to tell my hubby i was going to the doc for A/D meds...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

amidnightsky34 said:


> now he just turned 4 and he's about the same as 3 was.



IMO step one: Age 4 is a great age to make sure you are using really good, effective discipline. A 4yo SHOULD be able to start helping with the chores (and by chores I mean cleaning the playroom, clearing the table... self hygiene is not a "chore" in my book) , should be able to play by himself some or nearby without constant interaction... The am amount of "taking care" of a 4yo should be a LOT less than the 18mo. He should have some routines that are expected. He can start learning to dress himself if he does not already. He can clear his own dishes from the table....

I have a bunch of really good child rearing books I can refer you to since it is an interest of mine.

As the 4yo starts helping out, the 18mo will start to model it too.





> Anyway. Much of my day is taken up just in the every day taking care of them that my husband doesnt even see happening because he's not around and doesnt have to do it on a daily basis. And I spend more time playing with them/reading to them/etc during the week than we do on the weekends.
> When my hubby is home on weekends, he sits and watches tv most of the day while the kids play around him, so he thinks that since it's easy for him to do that, then that's all i must be doing all day every day. of course it doesnt help that a lot of days after my daughter goes to nap, i get a bunch of stuff done, then finally get to sit down for a half hour or so, and that's when my hubby comes home. Makes me want to watch for him to get home with a dust rag in my hand or something and jump up and finish instead of finishing it all before i sit down to relax.


OR you can stop requiring of yourself what he seems to require of him. I would take a multi-pronged approach if I were you.

- I would do something like flylady.com to make sure I AM in fact getting as much done as I can. (In my case, I would start doing once a month cooking, or some kind of freezer cooking, to reduce the daily food prep load. Not everyone is into that though.)

- I would make sure that the CARE of the kids was limited to things that are really important. Playing games and play dough and whatnot, projects, reading, going to the playground. Caring for them should not include doing for them what they can and should do for themselves. Cleaning up toys. Dressing the older, large amounts of behavior correction... If those are the things you are spending time on, then new procedures, habits and perhaps disciplinary effectiveness may be in order.

- I would sit hubby down and tell him that I understand he feels that ALL the house work is my job. He works at a job and he feels he does his job and that is enough. I acknowledge that by my actions (pretending to be you here) I have seemed to agree with that by trying to do all the work. BUT upon recent reflection, I don't agree that housework is or should be 100% my job. I would explain the child rearing activities that he does not see. And effectively immediately I am no longer doing all the work. I am going to prioritize the housework as *I* see its importance, and what is undone is undone. I am a stay-at-home Mom, not the maid. 

- I would then refrain from picking up his pretzel bag. I would not make a single comment. I would simply leave it there until hell froze over. I might prioritize my laundry and the kids' laundry over his. As I loaded the washing machine, I might have a basket for his clothes that I can toss them in.

There are a few downsides to this. First, you will have to live in a messier house. The crap he leaves lying around must be left lying around. Or maybe there will be a basket into which you can dump his stuff if it in your way.

Second he will be PISSED. He will accuse you of treating him like a child. (IMO he is acting like a child. Who doesn't help their supposedly loving partner fold a couple of things of laundry because it is "her job??") I would very calmly (and very calmly is important here) say I am not a maid. If you want a maid, hire a maid. I do as much work as being a stay at home Mom allows. If you want the place neater, hire a maid or help me clean it. Tell him you are open to any and all calm communication about finding other solutions to this issue. But until a solution is found that is mutually acceptable, this is what I feel I must do.

The goal is NOT a tit for tat who does what fight. The goal is to enforce a boundary. And to hopefully get him to the calm discussion table about how to divide the responsibilities in a manner that suits both of you. (Personally I would want communication to include feeling hurt that he was unwilling to be helpful when I was down and low... But that is me.)

Good luck.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

amidnightsky34 said:


> I'm trying to judge how my hubby is going to react, so my question is, how would you feel if your spouse came to you one day and said that they are unhappy because they got married too young and had kids too young?
> 
> With that in mind, is there a point in telling him if there is nothing that I am wanting to change in either of those aspects? I'm not wanting to change the fact that I am currently married or have kids.


Yes there is a point to telling him.

You feel like he is taking advantage and you need to give him a kick in the butt so he will help you out with everything so you aren't so exhausted all the time.




How will he react when you say that to him?

Like he just got a kick in the butt.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

I won't tell him, it isn't his fault you married young and had children right away. It also is not his fault that you have depression. Depression can cause you to blame others for the feelings you are having...don't rely on your emotions or feelings until you get a medicine that works. I've seen depression hurt many people in a family, if not treated properly...it can destroy yours and the people you care about. 

Kids grow up, move out and you will have your "independence" that you feel you missed out on..but this time you will be older and wiser and have a great future to make decisions with!


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