# Friends with Benefits?



## Not4u (Mar 2, 2011)

Okay. Very complicated situation! I have this "friend" who I had sex with just this past weekend. We've known each other for years and we have always managed to be really good friends. I enjoy his company a great deal. Not just sex, but talking to him and watching movies together and going for walks ... all that stuff. The complication is this; he's also my ex husband. Now, we both agreed that we want to hang out still and throw in some "benefits". But I'm still a little uncertain. From my end, there is no hope at all of us ever being in a relationship again. And he says he feels the same. So we are just two people enjoying each others company for now. What are the chances that this will end badly? Or could he be trying something to get back with me? We have a small child together so I really don't think I should do something that may jeopardize our ability to co-parent and get along. Anyone have any wisdom on something like this? Advice or lessons learned from your on experiences?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm generally fine with the idea of FWB when the people involved are on the same page. I've had a few great "friends" and it's not ever developed into anything problematic.

However, given the fact that you really aren't ever going to be able to "break up" given that you have a child together...I would tread very carefully. I really think I'd scratch my itch someplace else, preserve my friendship with my kid's dad and keep my eye on what I need to do for the next 10 or 15 years (or whatever).

It's really easy to say you know you'll never get back together, but it's just as easy to fall into old patterns where that person is "yours" and see things get weird if someone finds someone they'd actually like to you know....have a real relationship with. Case in point, I'm friends with my college boyfriend. We aren't FWB or anything like that, I'm married or whatever, but sometimes when we're all out or partying, there's a weird twinge of "hey biotch". I can only imagine what that might be like if we'd ever married and had kids and THEN split.

There are a million and seven "friends" out there for both of you. Find one of those instead.


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## openheart (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't think it's possibly to have emotionless, purely physical sex. In my opinion, stop doing it. But that's just me.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Since I've been married since I was 18, I have never been in a FWB situation, but I doubt that I could have the relationship that you are having with your ex and not have it either go deeper and/or end badly.
JMO


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## Confusedanddazed (Mar 6, 2011)

One you need I have learned being a guy is that the majority of women associate sex with emotion.

Our brains our wired a little differently.

Look for signs and cues so that you are not hurting her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I believe most guys are capable of having a FWB relationship. I don't believe most women are.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think sometimes it's possible to be FWB and not have it evolve into something more. But that's not always the case. 

And given that you were once married, I think it would be way too easy for it to evolve without either of you even realizing it's happening until it's already happened. 

And with a child involved...he/she has already had to deal with you two ending a relationship once. Do you really want to put him/her through that again? The chances are good that since it didn't work before, it wouldn't work now, so you'd basically be setting things up to break your child's heart again. 

If it were me, I wouldn't do it. If you've managed to build a good, solid friendship despite being divorced, I wouldn't mess with that. It's good for both of you, and your daughter, and changing the dynamic in this way could end very badly for all of you.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I believe most guys are capable of having a FWB relationship. I don't believe most women are.


I think the difference here is that while most women would start to emotionally attach, she has already been there and knows what it would lead to if it happened again.

I don't see anything wrong with it except it may prevent you from looking for someone with whom you could build a relationship.


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## Not4u (Mar 2, 2011)

Maybe its more an individual thing than a guy / girl thing? Because i've had a FWB before and i had no emotional attachment to him beyond friendship. He, on the other hand, decided that he wanted a relationship which pretty much runied it. I don't think I've ever thought that sex equalled an emotional relationship or attachment. At least not thus far in my life. Sex is just sex in my mind.

As for my son, he didn't really feel the effects of our split the first time around as he was a tiny tiny baby. He's used to us not being together. Part of our ground rules are no sleeping over because I wouldn't want my son to be confused if Daddy had a sleep over. He is used to his Dad being at our house as he has always visited us frequesntly in my house, even while he was dating someone else. So having Daddy there to put him to bed is not unusual and he wouldn't know whether he left right away or a couple hours later. 

My bigger concern is that if one of us do develop an attachment that we may end up having a falling out that prevents us from getting along the way we have been for several months now. Because that is the relationship that my son benefits from. I don't think I will get attached. I know we are good friends but terrible in a relationship. If i even thought I was starting to i'd stop. I'm more concerned about the ex to be honest.


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## Not4u (Mar 2, 2011)

And, in regards to a new relationship, I have to admit I do not want one right now. I simply have no time to date and no inclination. I'm trying to focus on myself and my son as much as possible and I just do not think I could possibly give a new partner the attention the would want / deserve from me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't know how either of them could be keep it just physical. They were married at one point, so there has to be some level of emotional attachment.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Be very careful with the child!!!

They are smarter than what you give them credit for!!!!

They'll sense it out and think Mom and Dad are getting back together again.

I s**t you not.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Be very careful with the child!!!
> 
> They are smarter than what you give them credit for!!!!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Kids are very smart and intuitive. They know things even when we don't want them to and try to hide it from them.


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## Not4u (Mar 2, 2011)

Yes, My niece has just proven that last bit to me. She knew something she really shouldn't have known and everyone was sure she did not know. I'm thinking that, while I'd enjoy myself immensely in this arrangement, the long term effects are probably not worth it. I think that at 13 months my son probably isn't thinking in terms of mommy and daddy getting back together ... but you can see how happy he is when Daddy comes around more often. So, when that stops he would be the one left hurting. Or if we have a falling out over something, again, it would be my son who suffers.
Poo .. I really just wanted something simple! I don't want to date or have a relationship. i have no desire at all to sleep with strangers or people I don't know well. But someimtes, when all you do is work and then run home to be with a child every other minute of the day, it gets kind of lonely. Is that terrible? I love my son more than anything and nothing beats being with him ... but, yeah, sometimes I feel a bit lonely ...


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Then your best bet is to make some friends...some real friends to watch a movie and have some wine with. Then buy a BOB to er... fill in the gaps. It's not quite the same, but with everything on your plate right now, it's probably the healthiest way to go.

Plus, I really have the feeling that if you're wondering if it's his way of getting back together with you, then it's already a situation with too many emotions involved to realistically be a FWB situation. It'll get messy. I promise.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Or. . .and maybe I am a romantic at heart and this goes against my grain as a pragmatist. . .but perhaps there is a chance of reconcilation.

It's been known to happen.

You mature. You change. You realize you needed each other. You realized you were wrong about certain things. You see what you did at times to your ex-spouse. You ask for forgiveness. You get back together. You compromise.

I mean, don't let Pride be your downfall.

"Pride is my favorite sin, Danny Boy. It's something so basic in humans. . .the love of one's self." - Satan "The Devil's Advocate" - Al Pacino


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## Not4u (Mar 2, 2011)

No. Reconciling is not at all possible. We tried that and it was a huge fiasco. I'm actually surprised we've managed to be friends again.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I believe most guys are capable of having a FWB relationship. I don't believe most women are.


:lol: And here come the generalizations about women and sex.
While is true that many women can't do friends with benefits, bear in mind that we live in a culture of casual sex. I think it depends how vulnerable *both people *are at the time, not just women.

An ex boyfriend of mine and I had a FWB arrangement. What I didn't appreciate, was that he led me to believe that we would get back together and then started dating others....just wanted to use me. If he had been honest, I would have been just fine with it. He also grew very pouty and whiny when I started lose interest, once his girlfriend didn't work out. 

I've also had so called FWB fall in love with me, when I didn't want more.  I guess that I must have a penis, huh? :rofl::rofl:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> Then your best bet is to make some friends...some real friends to watch a movie and have some wine with. Then buy a BOB to er... fill in the gaps. It's not quite the same, but with everything on your plate right now, it's probably the healthiest way to go.
> 
> Plus, I really have the feeling that if you're wondering if it's his way of getting back together with you, then it's already a situation with too many emotions involved to realistically be a FWB situation. It'll get messy. I promise.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: You are playing with fire, OP. Find a boy toy instead, not someone that you have such history with.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> :lol: And here come the generalizations about women and sex.
> While is true that many women can't do friends with benefits, bear in mind that we live in a culture of casual sex. I think it depends how vulnerable *both people *are at the time, not just women.
> 
> An ex boyfriend of mine and I had a FWB arrangement. What I didn't appreciate, was that he led me to believe that we would get back together and then started dating others....just wanted to use me. If he had been honest, I would have been just fine with it. He also grew very pouty and whiny when I started lose interest, once his girlfriend didn't work out.
> ...


Only your hairdresser knows for sure.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Why oh' why would a woman do friends with benefits when fingers are so much more available and predictable?

Oh. I know. Because only a woman hoping for more would be willing to put herself in that position to begin with.:smthumbup:


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

He is the father of your child, you need to have a great relationship with him. But fu*king him and all the other sexual stuff is a bad idea. So how would you feel if one weekend you found out he was nailing this gal in the ass and then the next day asked you other for some fun between the sheets?


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## Calliope (Mar 17, 2011)

I've done the whole FWB thing in the past and was fine with it. It was a guy I had known for years and one day we realized that we were attracted to each other in a sexual way and meshed really well together in bed. We just didn't have any feelings for each other that would make a relationship possible nor did we even want one and it worked out great. If there was someone I was interested in romantically or vice versa, we backed off, stayed friends and never became jealous of the other person. It was a really great arrangement that lasted a couple of years.

The main difference between what I did and what you are doing is that I was never in a relationship with my friend however you are having "FWB" with someone you were in love with, were married to, and share a child with. I think it's unfair, especially to the child, to almost be in a faux relationship because it can be very confusing for them. I don't want you to think that I'm judging you in any way or wagging my finger saying that what you are doing is wrong... but I think that you need to take a few steps back and really look at what is going on and just how it impacts everybody around you.


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