# Girlfriend (23F) seems extremly distant and avoidant lately to me (22M)



## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 8 years now. We have a pretty normal relationship not really a lot of fighting or disagreement. She's amazing and i love her and don't question anything she's doing. For the past three weeks beginning today she has been extremely distant though. She's started sleeping on the couch at night, pretty much doesn't come around me during the day except for a hug or kiss maybe once before she goes to work, and the contact between her and our pets (rats {they live in the same room as us}) has diminished to the same point. Her routine after she gets off work at night is usually to come home and lay in bed with me. She's been working with her bestfriend/manager for a couple months now and she carpools with her so she would usually get off around 11 and be home around 12. Around a week ago she started staying out late till about 3-4 in the morning with the friend and started coming home drunk; just for context her friend also has a very young child to take care of. It didn't seem like a huge deal the first time but its been happening more frequently. She's started coming home to in different outfits then what she left for work in, and I just recently noticed she's also been taking shower supplies to work as well. I really started to question what was going on when, about a week and a half ago she asked me if she could go help this friend fill her tire with air at 1 in the morning (just seems a very weird time and doesn't make sense to come pick someone up if your tire is low on pressure already). I personally don't understand how her friend has the time to take care of herself between work, taking care of her child, and carting my girlfriend around all day who knows where. I don't know why it seems like she's avoiding me, maybe she's not, maybe I'm just thinking too much i have pretty severe ocd so i do tend to think on things way more than I should.
Guess im just not sure how to confront her on this or even if i should.
i haven't had a chance to talk to her yet but I've talked to a couple of my friends that have her added on tiktok and snapchat. She's started posting videos in her bra grabbing her breasts or in her underwear and its very obvious. She also says in her bio she's bisexual and its not on any of her other social medias. A couple months ago i had heard from her that she was talking to other people about making a sexy tiktok or Instagram. I found out from trolling a guy off of her snapchat that was trying to get in her pants.
**TL;DR; : My girlfriend of 8 years has been sleeping in a different room and staying out till 3-4 in the morning and comes home drunk. She has weird reasons for leaving the house and things just dont add up. I now think she's cheating but don't want to confront and start a fight.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Well if your too gutless to confront her then she is just going to run all over you .... like she is already.

Really ...... you can’t confront her about this? Dude your weak. You just as well flush your man card down the toilet.... cause she already did.

Your just scared because you have that “one-only” girl sickness.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Well if your too gutless to confront her then she is just going to run all over you .... like she is already.
> 
> Really ...... you can’t confront her about this? Dude your gutless. You just as well flush your man card down the toilet.... cause she already did.
> 
> Your just scared because you have that “one-only” girl sickness.


i haven't said i wont confront her? Im currently waiting for her to get off work so we can talk, shes been gone and i havent seen her to be able to talk with her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She’s just a GF. Save yourself and dump her or you’re gonna wallow in the mire.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your gf either has (1) a drinking problem, (2) another man in her life, (3) another woman in her life, or (4) she's done being in an exclusive relationship.

Could be ^^all^^ of the above.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Rosher, take it from an old codger that been around decades longer than you, has had way more puzzy than you likely ever will, and spent 12 years as an part-time escort. She's lost interest in you, wants to and is sampling the inventory of other men and/or women, and is banging other people. Forgive her, get your hat, ride off into the sunset. and forget her Grasshopper. Since she claims she is bi, you could work a deal with her and her girlfriends for some MFF sharing. Does that sound like something you may be interested in? You may have a potential harem right before your eyes my man.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

You know what's going on. All the signs are there


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Relationships started in your teens rarely ever last beyond the early twenties. Time to close up shop with this one. It’s run its course. Plenty of other fish in the sea. Everyone needs their heart broken at least once so consider this a gift. No sense in trying to patch up a leaky boat.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> You know what's going on. All the signs are there


Yes, all the signs, detour, no guard rails, four way stop, round about ahead, bump in the road, one-way, oops two way street, no shoulders-beware, caution, red light ahead, cross walk, left turn only, proceed with caution, deer crossing, goose crossing, sharp curves ahead, next two miles steep grade, check your brakes, no passing zone.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> She’s just a GF. Save yourself and dump her or you’re gonna wallow in the mire.


Im trying. First serious relationship ive ever had so its just kind of difficult as with everything the first time.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Rosher, take it from an old codger that been around decades longer than you, has had way more puzzy than you likely ever will, and spent 12 years as an part-time escort. She's lost interest in you, wants to and is sampling the inventory of other men and/or women, and is banging other people. Forgive her, get your hat, ride off into the sunset. and forget her Grasshopper. Since she claims she is bi, you could work a deal with her and her girlfriends for some MFF sharing. Does that sound like something you may be interested in? You may have a potential harem right before your eyes my man.


I can tell she's lost interest, i just don't want to throw a cheating claim around when i cant be 100% positive even if there are flags. Not to be a **** im really just looking for everyones advice, how can you be 100% sure she banging other people, not that i dont doubt she might be. I don't plan to yell or be mad at her or anything i would just like to know i can trust my significant other. Ive talked to her about threesomes before a couple years ago, even mmf, and she is either not interested or doesn't want me involved if she is. Im pretty open sexually to most things and she knows so i dont know why she would hide anything from me. 

If you worked as a part time escort your more than likely familiar with the porn industry lol. Reason i bring it up is because i did some snooping through her email yesterday and found 4 emails dating back from sept 2nd, that says her application for pornhub as been accepted. Its in her spam folder and the emails dont look realistic but i tried to make an account with her email only to see that ones already been activated. Would someone send spam mail about a pornhub application? Didnt want to include this in post because id really look ****ing stupid if it is fake.Just weird how its there when shes avoiding me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You two got involved when you were very young. Maybe she's ready to move on and sow her wild oats. Whether she's banging someone else or not, remains to be seen. But she's definitely enjoying her time away from you ... and that time is becoming more and more what she enjoys.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

RosherDocks said:


> I can tell she's lost Not to be a **** im really just looking for everyones advice, how can you be 100% sure she banging other people, not that i dont doubt she might be. I don't plan to yell or be mad at her or anything i would just like to know i can trust my significant other. Ive talked to her about threesomes before a couple years ago, even mmf, and she is either not interested or doesn't want me involved if she is. Im pretty open sexually to most things and she knows so i dont know why she would hide anything from me.
> 
> If you worked as a part time escort your more than likely familiar with the porn industry lol. Reason i bring it up is because i did some snooping through her email yesterday and found 4 emails dating back from sept 2nd, that says her application for pornhub as been accepted. Its in her spam folder and the emails dont look realistic but i tried to make an account with her email only to see that ones already been activated. Would someone send spam mail about a pornhub application? Didnt want to include this in post because id really look ****ing stupid if it is fake.Just weird how its there when shes avoiding me.


Most never get 100% proof. If the signs are there you don’t need more. You only need enough for you. Most like yourself will live in denial which means you get drug through the ringer. For nothing.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

If it's your place, change the locks, put her stuff in black bin bags and leave it outside the door.
If it's her place, find yourself somewhere else to live.
It's that easy with girlfriends.

I prefer to live at her place, as it's a lot easier to load my car up when she's out and just disappear. No mess, no fuss, no angry tears and shouting, no finances to sort.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

RosherDocks said:


> I can tell she's lost interest, i just don't want to throw a cheating claim around when i cant be 100% positive even if there are flags.


You don't need proof of anything. You don't need to accuse her of anything. Simply tell her that this is not working for you anymore. She is not giving you her attention and affection, but is doing something else with it, which you are not going to live with, so good-bye. I understand that you love her and have been in a relationship with her since you were a child. It is very hard to be betrayed by your best friend who knows all about you and your life. It stinks. How she is treating you is as if you don't matter. That isn't okay, no matter what she is doing. That's really all you need in order to call it quits. Stand up for yourself and get out now. Waiting isn't going to make it any easier.

Stick around here for help in moving forward and getting over her. Don't take the advice to go find someone to have sex with. That isn't going to help you. I recommend you get into therapy to work through the grief, but if you can't do that, then at least spend time working through your pain and moving forward. Forgive her. Holding onto bitterness only makes you sick.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She’s cheating, and she may be getting ready to leave as well. So help her out with that —

If the house/apartment is yours, tell her to pack her **** and get out. If it’s her place, pack your **** and get out. Easy peasy.

And don’t worry about the 8 years — she clearly isn’t.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

RosherDocks said:


> I can tell she's lost interest, i just don't want to throw a cheating claim around when i cant be 100% positive even if there are flags. Not to be a **** im really just looking for everyones advice, how can you be 100% sure she banging other people, not that i dont doubt she might be. I don't plan to yell or be mad at her or anything i would just like to know i can trust my significant other. Ive talked to her about threesomes before a couple years ago, even mmf, and she is either not interested or doesn't want me involved if she is. Im pretty open sexually to most things and she knows so i dont know why she would hide anything from me.
> 
> If you worked as a part time escort your more than likely familiar with the porn industry lol. Reason i bring it up is because i did some snooping through her email yesterday and found 4 emails dating back from sept 2nd, that says her application for pornhub as been accepted. Its in her spam folder and the emails dont look realistic but i tried to make an account with her email only to see that ones already been activated. Would someone send spam mail about a pornhub application? Didnt want to include this in post because id really look ****ing stupid if it is fake.Just weird how its there when shes avoiding me.


I don’t think pornhub would sent a random email saying her account has been approved.

With what you have said it sound like she is making her own porn vids to post and sell. The question remains, who is with her in the videos.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Of course you're going to have to talk to her and find out what she's doing. I will just tell you that she's 23 and you've been together since she was 15, so neither of you has had a chance to date other people it doesn't sound like at least not as adults. I no it's not what you want to hear, but very few people who get together as young teenagers end up being with that person for life because as they grow into their mid-twenties, so do their brains grow and they change. And of course also being in the workplace or even in school broadens your horizons and can and does often make you just grow in different directions. 

I think she's definitely wanting some Independence, but I'm assuming after 8 years you have quite a bit of, for lack of a better word, codependence built up which will make it slow and hard to leave the relationship. So unfortunately I see some struggles ahead and an eventual breakup. 

Besides ignoring you, she's also detached some from her pets, which is worrisome, so she has something on her mind that's taking up some headspace. 

Hope you get through it okay.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The reason why she’s sleeping on the couch if she’s not sleeping with you it’s because she saving it for someone else ..... brush up on body language and watch her when you confront her


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ABHale said:


> I don’t think pornhub would sent a random email saying her account has been approved.
> 
> With what you have said it sound like she is making her own porn vids to post and sell. The question remains, who is with her in the videos.


I don't know anything about PornHub, except that it's porn. However, I do know about signing up on websites. I seriously doubt that people have to be approved to watch videos on the website, therefore, she is likely being approved to upload videos. If she is uploading videos, she is most likely in them.

It seems to me that your girlfriend is lost. You could try to talk some sense into her, but she is obviously unconcerned about you and off doing something that has broken your relationship. The signs point to her having sex with someone else, whether in videos or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

we’ve all been in your shoes, you are days if not even hours from being dumped or catching her with someone else ( she’s not really even trying to cover her tracks much).


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## EdDean (Sep 12, 2021)

So if I understand you. You GF has stopped being affectionate. Moved to the couch. Comes home at all hours of the night drunk. Comes home with different clothes than she left with. Is posting semi naked pictures of herself to the internet. And may very well be starring in and selling porno videos.

My gosh young man. Is there anything else you left out? Your path could not be more clear. This is not a healthy relationship. I agree with others. You don’t need to prove anything. She’s not your wife. There are no kids. You’re only 22 years old. You’re not happy. Time to take a break from this relationship and move on.

Work on yourself. Exercise. Continue your education. Develop your career. Be single for a while. Socialize. Date other people. You have your whole life ahead of you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

RosherDocks said:


> If you worked as a part time escort your more than likely familiar with the porn industry lol. Reason i bring it up is because i did some snooping through her email yesterday and found 4 emails dating back from sept 2nd, that says her application for pornhub as been accepted. Its in her spam folder and the emails dont look realistic but i tried to make an account with her email only to see that ones already been activated. Would someone send spam mail about a pornhub application? Didnt want to include this in post because id really look ****ing stupid if it is fake.Just weird how its there when shes avoiding me.


I wouldn't confront right now. Get some more evidence. Since she comes home and showers chances are she's f-ing somebody and maybe making porn movies in the process. Her email provider likely automatically sends porn related email to her spam folder. You may try putting a gps tracker in her car to see where she goes after work. The only way youre going to know 100% if she's cheating is if you catch her in the act. You're going to have to go with the preponderance of the evidence. Get back with us when you've got enough evidence to hang your hat on and ready to confront. We'll give you some pointers. My caveat is from what you describe as her treatment of you, she's probably going to use it as an excuse to ditch you.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> I wouldn't confront right now. Get some more evidence. Since she comes home and showers chances are she's f-ing somebody and maybe making porn movies in the process. Her email provider likely automatically sends porn related email to her spam folder. You may try putting a gps tracker in her car to see where she goes after work. The only way youre going to know 100% if she's cheating is if you catch her in the act. You're going to have to go with the preponderance of the evidence. Get back with us when you've got enough evidence to hang your hat on and ready to confront. We'll give you some pointers. My caveat is from what you describe as her treatment of you, she's probably going to use it as an excuse to ditch you.


what can i do to catch her in the act, ive thought of getting a tiny spy cam and placing it in a direction towards the couch to see what shes doing on her phone. She carpools with other people so its hard to track that way, maybe i could link her phone to mine? or some app? Should i just wait to say something now?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ABHale said:


> I don’t think pornhub would sent a random email saying her account has been approved.
> 
> With what you have said it sound like she is making her own porn vids to post and sell. The question remains, who is with her in the videos.


So, search pornhub for her account -- see if she is posting anything....


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So, search pornhub for her account -- see if she is posting anything....


im not sure how to find her username through her email. me and a friend tried and didnt come up with luck.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Is there any way for you to guess her account based on her email? Can you find a way to login?
Maybe install a keylogger on the PC you found this email on -- she may access the site from that PC.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

RosherDocks said:


> what can i do to catch her in the act, ive thought of getting a tiny spy cam and placing it in a direction towards the couch to see what shes doing on her phone. She carpools with other people so its hard to track that way, maybe i could link her phone to mine? or some app? Should i just wait to say something now?


If she’s doing things away from home, a camera isn’t going to help you catch her. That said, you could get a couple of small wall charger spy cams, set them up, and place them in the den, bathroom, bedroom, etc, and then leave the house for a few days to visit family or whatever — you can bet that she’ll be 1) in the bed and 2) not alone while you’re gone.









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(Also, don’t forget memory cards.)

Since you seem to have access to her email, use it to reset the password for the PH account. Then you can log in and have a look. Be sure to intercept the “Your PH account password changed” email and delete it. Do all this from your laptop with a VPN client installed and running.

*OR you can realize that all this is ridiculous and just next her.*


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

RosherDocks said:


> im not sure how to find her username through her email. me and a friend tried and didnt come up with luck.


Not sure why you need to be 100% sure she is cheating. She has checked out. It no longer matters. Either you end it now or she ends it when its most convenient for her. Its your choice.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I am very sorry for what is happening to you.

Why are you even bothering with all this?

I am very sorry to tell you, as have others, that your relationship is either over or in terminal decline.

You don’t have any control over her actions, but you do over your own.

Save yourself a lot of pain and anguish by telling her that your relationship isn’t working for you anymore and that you wish to part company with her whilst you are still on reasonable terms. No conflict, no recriminations, just TAKING BACK CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE.

This is damage limitation and self preservation. You aren’t going to like what you find out so why go looking for it and just give yourself that pain?

It is very sad, particularly when it is your first love but there are better times around the corner. Trust us, because we have all been there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> I wouldn't confront right now. Get some more evidence. Since she comes home and showers chances are she's f-ing somebody and maybe making porn movies in the process. Her email provider likely automatically sends porn related email to her spam folder. You may try putting a gps tracker in her car to see where she goes after work. The only way youre going to know 100% if she's cheating is if you catch her in the act. You're going to have to go with the preponderance of the evidence. Get back with us when you've got enough evidence to hang your hat on and ready to confront. We'll give you some pointers. My caveat is from what you describe as her treatment of you, she's probably going to use it as an excuse to ditch you.


Plus put a VAR in her car.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

why not just start talking to each other ,
first thing in over 30 years together one of us has never spent a night sleeping in another bed unless one went home to visit home ,
to let her wallow in what ever for 3 weeks seems to me stupid .
you get talking air things out and have make up sex

she is 23 a grown up woman 
what she wants as a relationship is more than just room mates ,
you can't expect her to invest the next 50 years on the fact that she was with you for the last 8 years 


it looks like you have been wanting different things with a few years 
and she knows you are not the type person for her ,
she is going out without you so this is saying she is open to looking for other things 

she might even think that lift should be different to what you have , 
i would go so far as to say to you that your not in a relationship together 
more roommates 

I would say to you do you want this woman that thinks it is ok to go out and come home at late drunk 
why do you and others here think it is worth investing in things that spy on her 
just to prove that she is having sex with others or living some other life 

would it not be best to invest in the best life you can make together and if you not on the same road 
get the dame off it and find someone that wants the same things as you 
all the spying will not make her want you 
if she wants more excitement you need to look at what you can do 
as long as it is fitting into your life style 

she might be living that part of her life that young people need their spring brake , and you are just a friend now and not her ?????
like you say she is your gf 
to me a gf is someone you are dating with or at the very most a gf is someone you are living with for less than a year 
if your together more than a year even if not talking of marriage 
you need to look on each other as Partner other half or something more than just gf + bf 
what are you to her 
good question


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RosherDocks said:


> I can tell she's lost interest, i just don't want to throw a cheating claim around when i cant be 100% positive even if there are flags. Not to be a **** im really just looking for everyones advice, how can you be 100% sure she banging other people, not that i dont doubt she might be. I don't plan to yell or be mad at her or anything i would just like to know i can trust my significant other. Ive talked to her about threesomes before a couple years ago, even mmf, and she is either not interested or doesn't want me involved if she is. Im pretty open sexually to most things and she knows so i dont know why she would hide anything from me.
> 
> If you worked as a part time escort your more than likely familiar with the porn industry lol. Reason i bring it up is because i did some snooping through her email yesterday and found 4 emails dating back from sept 2nd, that says her application for pornhub as been accepted. Its in her spam folder and the emails dont look realistic but i tried to make an account with her email only to see that ones already been activated. Would someone send spam mail about a pornhub application? Didnt want to include this in post because id really look ****ing stupid if it is fake.Just weird how its there when shes avoiding me.


Dude, even if she wasn’t cheating (of course she is, what do you need, a video?), her behavior that you KNOW about us so egregious that it in itself is reason to boot her and never look back. I have never, ever heard of a “bisexual” woman being marriage material for a man anyway.


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## EdDean (Sep 12, 2021)

I’m not sure why everyone is treating this like it is a 30 year marriage. The OP is a 22-year-old with a bad girlfriend. Stop all the detective talk and spy games. Tell her whatever you want. Just tell her you’re not happy in the relationship due to all of her other behavior. You don’t need to document any new transgressions.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

RosherDocks said:


> Im trying. First serious relationship ive ever had so its just kind of difficult as with everything the first time.


I think it is common that men see the relationship working as a reflection on themselves, whereas (huge generalisation) many women see the relationship as something that should make them happy. There is some truth in both sides, but this has perhaps slipped too much.
If she does not want the relationship to work, you cannot make it and it is stupid and vain to think otherwise.
Equally, if she is not going to take responsibility for her own happiness, you cannot do anything about it.
Confront her. Ask her what she is unhappy about. If she thinks you should know, then it is over. It she talks openly and honestly and you are OK wiht what she says it can work. There might be the happy conclusion that you both move on rather than wasting time.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If she is cheating or whatever, she is not very good at it!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

EdDean said:


> I’m not sure why everyone is treating this like it is a 30 year marriage. The OP is a 22-year-old with a bad girlfriend. Stop all the detective talk and spy games. Tell her whatever you want. Just tell her you’re not happy in the relationship due to all of her other behavior. You don’t need to document any new transgressions.


This times a million. I mean, someone even suggested putting a voice activated recorder in her car. What???? This is a _23 year old girlfriend_! there's no need for spygames or any "evidence" wtf.

These two are in their very early twenties. The relationship has run its course. It's not a happy healthy mutual relationship anymore. Just end the relationship, it really is that simple.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This entire thing is completely ridiculous. If what you have seen already isn’t enough for you to respect yourself enough to break it off ..... then you are the problem.

Go ahead and play girlfriend police. Like I said before ..... WEAK.

You need professional help or a male mentor of some kind.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> This entire thing is completely ridiculous. If what you have seen already isn’t enough for you to respect yourself enough to break it off ..... then you are the problem.
> 
> Go ahead and play girlfriend police. Like I said before ..... WEAK.
> 
> You need professional help or a male mentor of some kind.


Or some balls to do what needs to be done


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> This entire thing is completely ridiculous. If what you have seen already isn’t enough for you to respect yourself enough to break it off ..... then you are the problem.
> 
> Go ahead and play girlfriend police. Like I said before ..... WEAK.
> 
> You need professional help or a male mentor of some kind.


Weak? Im not the one coming insulting someone asking for advice for a problem they have never experienced before. Your speaking as if you know me as a person or know how my brain works. Im following the advice given not trying to play girlfriend police? Its wrong for me to want to get my brain to be quiet about the situation? Its wrong for me to want to know whats really going on? As i stated i plan on talking to her today you dont really need to jump in with the hostility like this is your issue your dealing with. If you think my problem is stupid dont make a post its that simple.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In this case it appears your ship is sinking and you’re like the band on the deck of the Titanic playing it out oblivious to the danger.

It’s kind of weird the rats haven’t left yet because they’re usually first to leave a sinking ship.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> In this case it appears your ship is sinking and you’re like the band on the deck of the Titanic playing it out oblivious to the danger.
> 
> It’s kind of weird the rats haven’t left yet because they’re usually first to leave a sinking ship.


Their to happy with me to leave haha. I plan on talking today and finding out whats been goin on or breaking up with her.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

RosherDocks said:


> Their to happy with me to leave haha. I plan on talking today and finding out whats been goin on or breaking up with her.


Your under the idea she is actually going to tell you. Cheaters lie, gas light, trickle truth, redirect, and deny. If she wanted you to have the truth she would have already been truthful with you. The large overview concept you don’t understand is that the person who cares the least holds all the power. Your trying to negotiate with something she isn’t interested in .... that’s you. It’s like trying to sell ice to an Eskimo. The ONLY REASON she may act nice briefly is to give her time to better calculate her exit.

Hard truth........ but true none the less.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Your under the idea she is actually going to tell you. Cheaters lie, gas light, trickle truth, redirect, and deny. If she wanted you to have the truth she would have already been truthful with you. The large overview concept you don’t understand is that the person who cares the least holds all the power. Your trying to negotiate with something she isn’t interested in .... that’s you. It’s like trying to sell ice to an Eskimo. The ONLY REASON she may act nice briefly is to give her time to better calculate her exit.
> 
> Hard truth........ but true none the less.


I dont expect the truth but i can still ask and try to figure out, its better for me than to just constantly wallow on the situation, because that is whats going to end up happening. I mean i made a fourm post to get other peoples opinion because i cant trust what i think. No she probably wont give me answers she will probably just throw everything back at my face im completely aware. Im just trying to see how others would approach it, how they would confront their s.o. Im not looking for the magic perfect answer just others opinions who have been through similar situations so i can think a bit clearer.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

RosherDocks said:


> I dont expect the truth but i can still ask and try to figure out, its better for me than to just constantly wallow on the situation, because that is whats going to end up happening. I mean i made a fourm post to get other peoples opinion because i cant trust what i think. No she probably wont give me answers she will probably just throw everything back at my face im completely aware. Im just trying to see how others would approach it, how they would confront their s.o. Im not looking for the magic perfect answer just others opinions who have been through similar situations so i can think a bit clearer.


At least you have a good idea what’s coming.

The problem is you think confronting is some type of resolution.... it’s really not. The only real solution is to have the resolve within yourself to not accept this treatment and proceed accordingly without her input. She already couldn’t care less. Your actions and words are the closing of your relationship... that gives you control back over the situation. You don’t need her approval or input.

She isn’t the answer to resolving the situation.... you are.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

RosherDocks said:


> im not sure how to find her username through her email. me and a friend tried and didnt come up with luck.


If you know her email password. Try logging in with her email and click on forgot password. It should send a link to her email. Then reset the password. Then you can see if she has posted anything.

Make a fake account for the other two platforms she is posting stuff on. Then follow her. Like her photos but don’t interact with her.

To be completely honest, why even bother? She has already checked out of the relationship.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ABHale said:


> If you know her email password. Try logging in with her email and click on forgot password. It should send a link to her email. Then reset the password. Then you can see if she has posted anything.
> 
> Make a fake account for the other two platforms she is posting stuff on. Then follow her. Like her photos but don’t interact with her.
> 
> To be completely honest, why even bother? She has already checked out of the relationship.


Exactly... why bother


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You also might try a image search through google.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You are in an abusive relationship.

You both have the right to feel safe from infidelity. And you both have an obligation to avoid behaviors that would make the other feel unsafe. Your GF failed big time.

Therefore, you don't have the burden of proving she's cheating.
Rather, based on her behavior, it's her job to prove she's not cheating.

If she can't (or won't) or attacks you as controlling or crazy - you have your answer (it's time to break up).

FINALLY - she will not take anything you say seriously unless she believes you are ready to break up (bluff if you have to). GET mad but be civil.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Or, she could be sick of still only being a girlfriend, after eight years.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

frusdil said:


> Or, she could be sick of still only being a girlfriend, after eight years.


Or, more likely, she could be sick of only having had one penis in eight years


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

frusdil said:


> Or, she could be sick of still only being a girlfriend, after eight years.


 Your so slick 👍


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> Or, more likely, she could be sick of only having had one penis in eight years


one (bad) penis in eight years??????


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> one (bad) penis in eight years??????


I would hope if it was bad she wouldn't have waited 8 years!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If her porn profiles are saying bisexual and she’s out with one of her girlfriends maybe it’s not about different penises but sampling the WAP?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> If her porn profiles are saying bisexual and she’s out with one of her girlfriends maybe it’s not about different penises but sampling the WAP?


Been there, burned the tshirt.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Or, she could be sick of still only being a girlfriend, after eight years.


OP is 22 years old. 22.

If his girlfriend is exhibiting this kind of behavior because a 22 year old hasn't proposed marriage then she's not even girlfriend material, let alone wife material.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re young and this is your first relationship.
The right thing to do is the extremely painful thing to do, which is to just move on and not say a word to your bisexual, cheating, drunken, porn crazed girlfriend. 
There's no closure or good feelings of any kind that you could possibly get from your girlfriend.
What you would do with a normal person who wasn’t cheating and the relationship just wasn’t working out is sit down and have a talk and decide what to do. Your girlfriend is a cheater and has chosen to act in a way that has made it not in your best interest to talk.

I suggest you stop investing in this relationship in any way, moving forward with your life in every way with no more thought of her. Let’s face it, she isn’t exactly investing in you anymore.

Some things we older men have learned about women that you could benefit from:

Chasing a womAn that is not in love with you anymore will ALWAYS drive them farther away, and even make them run. Leaving them stone cold and running is the best thing to do. Sometimes they’ll chase you. Don’t backslide and let them catch you. If they were worth keeping they’d not taken off to start with.

Don’t ever make anyone “your whole world”. They will 99% of the time wreck it. Invest in your friendships with other people, invest in yourself, and only invest as much as you feel is being reciprocated. People will use you if they feel you like them more than they like you.

Once a woman shows you they don’t care about you or your feelings, drop them like a ton of bricks and ignore the pain associated with breaking up. It’s hard to do, we know it. But it has to be done or you’ll wallow in that pain for far too long.

I wouldn’t have a talk with her, I’d just move on. The talk will only bring you more pain, and it will likely result in you staying on the hook being used for a little longer while she gets her ducks in a row for a full exit.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Livvie said:


> OP is 22 years old. 22.
> 
> If his girlfriend is exhibiting this kind of behavior because a 22 year old hasn't proposed marriage then she's not even girlfriend material, let alone wife material.


thank you U.u. I struggle as it is paying for mine and my parents bills and pet supplies, i couldnt afford marriage or even a ring if i wanted.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> If her porn profiles are saying bisexual and she’s out with one of her girlfriends maybe it’s not about different penises but sampling the WAP?


its not her porn profile just her tiktok but still same thing. Your not wrong.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> one (bad) penis in eight years??????


am pretty confident in the bedroom, I've said I'm pretty much open to anything. If this was the issue my feelings aside if she's not satisfied especially in 8 years she should let me know so we can work on it together. I as a person just probably don't interest he anymore.


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## EdDean (Sep 12, 2021)

RosherDocks said:


> am pretty confident in the bedroom, I've said I'm pretty much open to anything. If this was the issue my feelings aside if she's not satisfied especially in 8 years she should let me know so we can work on it together. I as a person just probably don't interest he anymore.


Rosher. Don’t respond to things like that. You’re right to post that people don’t know you based on the limited information these forums provide. But from what I can tell; you seem like you’re doing fine in your approach to this problem. You’re a good communicator and you seem like you have a generally good heart.

Have your talk with her. See what she says. At the end of the day, I think the advice most people are trying to give you is that you are free to walk away from this relationship if it is no longer healthy for you or making you happy. No regrets. You’re very young. You’ll be fine.


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## Chaotic_Aquarian (Feb 8, 2021)

RosherDocks said:


> thank you U.u.* I struggle as it is paying* for mine and *my parents bills* and pet supplies, i couldnt afford marriage or even a ring if i wanted.


Say what??


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RosherDocks said:


> thank you U.u. I struggle as it is paying for mine and my parents bills and pet supplies, i couldnt afford marriage or even a ring if i wanted.


Why are you paying your parents bills at such a young age?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

RosherDocks said:


> am pretty confident in the bedroom, I've said I'm pretty much open to anything. If this was the issue my feelings aside if she's not satisfied especially in 8 years she should let me know so we can work on it together. I as a person just probably don't interest he anymore.


That part I was just joking. I’m not honestly implying you suck in bed. I couldn’t possibly know that unless you said some things that were huge red flags ..... which you have not.

The other stuff I said was completely serious. Don’t crush yourself with this “one and only” girl. You have already been kicked to the curb ... you just need to accept it and move on while having some self worth.

Because your a youngster I should probably have a little more mercy on you actually. One of the very common traits of a woman is that when they decide they are done with a relationship... they are done...finished for good. That doesn’t mean she won’t keep you around while window shopping other partners... but she is done being your lover. Right now your just a reliable provision tool for her use. She will never respect you or see you as a lover again. She is finished.

What you likely see is an increase of “orbiters” she keeps or captures around her for potential partners while she try’s to figure everything out. She will call them “just friends”

There are times you have to accept humans for what they are and what they are not. Notice I never said she is a wh0re. It’s because she is just exhibiting common youthful female human behavior. Her behavior is easy to read if your not the one so neck deep in the relationship.... she mentally dumped you a long time ago.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

A couple things to remember when confronting her? Keep a level if possible, say less as possible, something like, are you happy with me? Are you happy in this relationship? ....each time wait for her response....if the all some weak positive responses then ask..... do you have something to tell me? Just stare at her and allow her to start. Say no more and just stare at her.....let her do the work....if she still plays the denial card....get up and say I had hoped that you loved me enough to be honest with me....and don’t say another word...then start to pack a couple things....


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

RosherDocks said:


> am pretty confident in the bedroom, I've said I'm pretty much open to anything.


Don't worry about that. Youve got men on here that still thinks a driving a bigger pecker is what you need to keep a chick happy. They have no concept of reading a woman's body.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> Don't worry about that. Youve got men on here that still thinks a driving a bigger pecker is what you need to keep a chick happy. They have no concept of reading a woman's body.


And here I thought is was having a bigger wallet! 🤔


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> Don't worry about that. Youve got men on here that still thinks a driving a bigger pecker is what you need to keep a chick happy. They have no concept of reading a woman's body.


That sucker must be huge if you have to drive it. I’ve never seen one with a steering wheel 😳


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Numb26 said:


> And here I thought is was having a bigger wallet! 🤔


Somehow you attributed a quote to me that wasn't from me. Please fix this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How the 


Livvie said:


> Somehow you attributed a quote to me that wasn't from me. Please fix this.


How the heck did he do that????? I’ve got a lot of quotes I want to attribute to other people!!!!😂😂😂😂


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Somehow you attributed a quote to me that wasn't from me. Please fix this.


???? That was my own quote


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## EdDean (Sep 12, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Don't worry about that. Youve got men on here that still thinks a driving a bigger pecker is what you need to keep a chick happy. They have no concept of reading a woman's body.


This sounds like a good new thread you should start in Sex in Marriage or Men’s Club section.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Right Ed. A good place to start is for men to stop giving her a talking to because, "She doesn't initiate anymore", "She doesn't let me finish in her mouth", She hurt my feeling because she didn't want to do it on the table, and the like. Quit treating your woman like sex is something you get from her, that she owes you to make you feel good. Your a man who wants to make love to his woman; not a new born needing nourishment from her breast and crying when you don't get it.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

so we talked today, i told her i wouldnt get mad, i just want to know everything thing was going on, she lied and was reluctant to tell me anything until i reinforced what i said about not getting emotional. I got her to open up and she told me that she has a crush on one of her coworkers whos personality is "exactly like hers". I asked if it was because something was wrong with me or the way i treat the relationship and she said no its all her and that i was sweet and caring even in this situation. I got her to tell me how she didnt really have a crush on the guy until one night alll the friend from work were out drinking and a game of never have i ever came up and everyone found out then including the guy that she liked him. Apparently he is in a serious/complicated relationship as well and they both got to talking about their relationships and how they both like each other. 
I feel like the guy is probably just trying to trick her with a fake personality to prey on her. Im not him but i feel its just going to turn into a dump and run situation like most of the relationships that start this way.
I wanted to know how she would feel in my situation and she tried to say she would be happy if i found someone who fit my personality like that. I dont think she can fully grasp how i feel cuz shes not in my shoes so i didnt really get a good answer for me. I told her that i feel pretty betrayed, especially since she told me how she wants kids/a married life with me. I took her through highschool payed all her school fees cuz her family couldnt afford it. Bought all our prom stuff. Paid for graduations. Brought these amazing pets in my life and now that theyve felt like kids for us i want to resent them. I want to resent her. She told me id be the only one for her and i dont feel ill find someone again. She broke down every introverted weird emotional wall i have and i just feel crushed now.
i suggested an open relationship in the moment but i realize that it wouldnt be a real open relationship. I would just be around until she found someone to be exclusive with. She said what would happen if jackson wasnt ok with the open relationship and she wanted to be in one with him, so even though she agreed to it, i know its a dumb idea.
im currently laying in bed with her and it really does just feel wrong. Its not as if anything was a mutual agreement in trust like a real open relationship is. Im just a pawn in the way of the new king. I cant fall asleep, my brain wont stop,


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Why are you paying your parents bills at such a young age?


Their in a really bad situation, i had cops come to the house the other day because my mom hasnt made car payments in 2 years for any of the vehicles, shes constantly late on paying all the bills. and my dad is disabled with a brain injury and we found out a couple weeks ago when he went to get a heart test that they had to stop because something is wrong, so they cant afford surgery even if he needed it.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> That part I was just joking. I’m not honestly implying you suck in bed. I couldn’t possibly know that unless you said some things that were huge red flags ..... which you have not.
> 
> The other stuff I said was completely serious. Don’t crush yourself with this “one and only” girl. You have already been kicked to the curb ... you just need to accept it and move on while having some self worth.
> 
> ...


Im sorry if i came off as hostile. Thank you for the advice all of your replies really helped me see somethings today and really learn. Ive never had experience with these situations and couldnt talk to my parents about it for bad advice so i really do appreciate all of yalls time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Well, you have pretty much pulled every wrong move you pussibly could have done here.
But you’ll learn. This is going to be one of those hard learned lessons in life about how NOT to react to a woman/girl cheating on you.

But I get it. You’re hurting. Better wise up and dump her and move on without the love goggles so firmly planted on your face.
You are being played.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Well, you have pretty much pulled every wrong move you pussibly could have done here.
> But you’ll learn. This is going to be one of those hard learned lessons in life about how NOT to react to a woman/girl cheating on you.
> 
> But I get it. You’re hurting. Better wise up and dump her and move on without the love goggles so firmly planted on your face.
> You are being played.


i plan on just really ending everything in the morning. Im playing games with myself and its just stupid and pointless.


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## EdDean (Sep 12, 2021)

RosherDocks said:


> i plan on just really ending everything in the morning. Im playing games with myself and its just stupid and pointless.


Moving on seems like the right thing to do. You don’t need to offer any modifications or concessions to make it work. You’ve done more than enough. You deserve to be happy in your own relationship. You’re a good communicator; just be clear that you’re not OK with things as they are right now and you need a break. Don’t be mean but don’t apologize either.

You seem like a good kid who’s got way too much in his plate for someone your age. You’ve been in this relationship since you we’re a child. Take time off from that for a while a just be single. Work on yourself and the other things important in your life.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I agree with other here, this is the time to grow a spine and become a man and not a doormat, you need to let her go and tell to find some place to live and stop cuddling to her needs, stop disrespecting yourself because clearly everyone else has.......kick her to the curb, brush yourself off and move on...and god sake stop being an atm machine for everyone


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Tell her to pack her stuff and hit the road. Seriously. Give her 3 days at the most to find some where to go. She has ended the relationship with you when she started sleeping on the couch and dating the coworker.

You have enough going on in your life that you don’t need her bringing you down as well.

I do suggest getting rid of anything that reminds you of her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

you're already broken up. You just haven't struck out on your own yet. 

At your age you shouldn't be devoting yourself to anyone and should not be chasing girls or for God's sake committed to or exclusive to anyone. 

You need to be building and developing yourself as a man and pusuing excellence and your own passions. 

That doesn't mean don't date and it doesn't mean don't hook up if the opportunity arises. It means devote your time and energies into developing yourself. Develop your body and your physical health and fitness. Develop your education/training and your career opportunities. And develop your spirit and social circles and social skills and dynamics. 

You see here's the thing,,,, when you do those things and you develop yourself into a fit, successful and respected man - the women come to you. 

Then you become the man the women are attracted to and think that you are their perfect match and they disregard and discard their boyfriends for you just as she has disregarded and discarded you for this guy she sees as the bigger, better deal. 

Men have to become. Women grow boobies and physically develop into women and they are desired by all by the time they are of legal age. Men on the other hand have to develop themselves into strong, independent, financially successful, productive members of the community before they are attractive and desirable. 

This one is gone. Use this time to develop yourself. pursue education and training opportunities, develop your career, get into a gym and develop your strength, fitness and vitality and get out and just meet and date a wide variety of women casually and without expectation of commitment or exclusivity. 

If you do those things, they will come flocking to YOU and they will be the ones jockeying for position and dumping their high school and college sweethearts for you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, if your Dad needs surgery, he will get it. The hospital's admin will work with your Mom on any payment schedule. Chances are they'll just write it off after any government assistance kicks in. 

I'm sorry about your situation. It isn't unusual given how young you both were when you became involved. It's better to find out now than down the road. I'm guessing she lives with you in your parents' home so she'll need to make other living arrangements. Has she been contributing to your finances? Are you living on student loans?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

All you’re getting is blame shifting. It’s at least an emotional affair and maybe sexual. Dump her or go through more crap.

*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> you're already broken up. You just haven't struck out on your own yet.
> 
> At your age you shouldn't be devoting yourself to anyone and should not be chasing girls or for God's sake committed to or exclusive to anyone.
> 
> ...


Im not gonna lie after this i wouldnt want to put somebody else theough the same pain. I will try to work on myself
[


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> OP, if your Dad needs surgery, he will get it. The hospital's admin will work with your Mom on any payment schedule. Chances are they'll just write it off after any government assistance kicks in.
> 
> I'm sorry about your situation. It isn't unusual given how young you both were when you became involved. It's better to find out now than down the road. I'm guessing she lives with you in your parents' home so she'll need to make other living arrangements. Has she been contributing to your finances? Are you living on student loans?


he only issue is the vehicles getting taken away so we can actually get him there though unless we call an ambulance if it gets bad enough.
Ive talked to her and its hard for her to make living arrangements, there is no one close by for her to move in with, as she doesnt have her own vehicle. Im not going to be the dirt ive been treated like and just throw her on the street though even though all my friends think im dumb for it. Shes going to pay rent now while shes here for the remainder of her time, i have a spare room away from everyone i can go clean out real quick for her. It helps my parents out so its just a rough tradeoff.
No ive never really made her contribute. Probably stupid on my part. She bought pet supplies but thats about it. I havent ever had a chance to go to college ive been working since 15 to help my parents pay all their stuff off. I have a buisness im starting with growing mushrooms thats seeing nice returns right now so it hasnt been all too bad. Ive gotten a good ethic at least.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> All you’re getting is blame shifting. It’s at least an emotional affair and maybe sexual. Dump her or go through more crap.
> 
> *Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.


You mean throwing the blame on the other people or me?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RosherDocks said:


> Im not gonna lie after this i wouldnt want to put somebody else theough the same pain.


I understand where you are coming from and I am not suggesting you become some kind of hustler or poacher or some kind of vermin that goes out and intentionally tries to hook up with married women or anything just for the thrill and the ego stroke of it. 

But there is a natural process taking place here. 

Men are naturally drawn to pretty women. 

And women are naturally drawn to strong, developed, successful and socially confident and competent men. 

He didn't really poach her or steal her away from you like a thief in the night. She saw him as a bigger, better deal (Whether she is right or wrong on that remains to be seen) that she thinks she can have (also remains to be seen) and she followed a very standard and predictable pattern of disconnecting and disregarding and discarding you and connecting to him. 

This was HER actions in following HER nature as a female. At some point in all of this he may have given her some seduction eyes and some winks and what not, but for the most part he was just being himself and she was drawn to that and rest is on her. 

So too will be the case some day when you are Da' Man and some little chicky gets all googally eyes and wet in the knickers for you while her sweetheart is waiting for her to come home late at night. 

Females in all species are the ones that select and choose their mates and decide when, where, who and how the mating process will occur. The onus is on the males to be the strongest and best available potential mate so that they are the ones that get selected. 

If your chicky leaves you for Chad Thunderschlong because she believes he is the bigger, better deal, that is too bad, so sad. That's probably why beer, buddies and the local tavern were invented. 

But if down the road and after some self-development and an increase in your market value you are now the Chad Thunderschlong and some little chicky decides you are the bigger, better deal and sets her sights on you - well that is just nature and natural selection in action. 

It ain't poaching and you ain't a thief in the night if she pulls away from him and starts giving him the cold shoulder and turns up on your doorstep in the middle of the night with a plate of cookies. 

It just means you are the biggest, strongest bull elk on her mountain at that time.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

RosherDocks said:


> there is no one close by for her to move in with, as she doesnt have her own vehicle.


Bah… not your problem. Maybe her new “crush” with a similar personality can figure out her housing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

RosherDocks said:


> No ive never really made her contribute.


She's never contributed financially and doesn't own a vehicle. What did she spend her paycheck on?

It's very noble of you to not want to kick her out; however, you are not allowing her to become a functional adult who can take care of herself and suffer the consequences of her actions. You are not her brother even if she has chosen to treat you as one.

Set a time limit for how long she can stay and make sure she pays your parents rent (include cost of utilities). Look in the paper for cost to rent a room in a home to get an idea of what to charge. She can buy her own personal supplies and food. No sleeping on the couch - if she can't afford to buy a bed then she can get a sleeping bag and sleep on the floor. Your days of taking care of her are over.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Not sure whether it was already suggested but OP you should read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Glover. Often abbreviated NMMNG.

You could be a case study in the book.

It tells you how to identify “nice” behaviors and correct them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RosherDocks said:


> Ive gotten a good ethic at least.


It's not an effective ethic for you though. 

People are using and exploiting you. 

That's not something to brag about.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You should kick her out. Get a roommate if you need to help pay bills. Not her. She’s a user and likely will be all her life. You’re not likely to get rich growing mushrooms. Might consider continuing that and going for a job.
Time flies. You need to at least try for something paying a liveable wage while you’re still young. Time for building a business or building a retirement account.

If you devote yourself into building yourself a good financial future, you’ll be building yourself a good romantic future as well.

stop being her white knight and boot her. It’s okay to not be used.
You see her as this sweet little waif and she’s actually booted you out of her bed and replaced you. She hasn’t done you any favors. Stop being a door mat or this cycle will repeat itself with another woman.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

RosherDocks said:


> You mean throwing the blame on the other people or me?


Usually it’s throwing throwing the blame on you. Very typical and common.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Go read some of therationalmale.com.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

It's tough to move on but in your case it behooves you to do so. 

You know in your head it's the right thing as well. Do what you have to do. Your heart will catch up eventually. 

Accept the situation for what it is. I know you're desperately trying to wrap your brain around the reason "why"? Once you're removed from the situation it will become clearer or you'll no longer care. 

Hang in there. You'll get through all if this. Good luck with your parents as well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@RosherDocks you seem like a good person that means well and I get the feeling you are a bit of a "Nice Guy" that gets taken advantage of due to your nature of wanting people to like you and be thought of a nice guy. Many of us have been in your shoes on more than one occasion and have learned some lessons the hard way and have seen many of peers in similar situations. 

I am 57 years old and have been where you were when I was 22 and some of the things that I did back then that I can see you falling into are some of my actual biggest regrets now. 

Let me go back to when I was 19 as this will be more relevant to you at this exact moment. 

At 19, my high school sweetheart who was the center of my world at the time (BIG MISTAKE right there) did to me exactly what your chicky is doing to you. She promised the world and the rose garden and swore her undying love and devotion. 

Then a WEEK later started to pull away and detach and turned cold towards me. Like you I asked what was wrong and if I did something that offended her and asked what I could do to be better and make things warm and lovey dovey again. 

She said the classic, "it's not you, it's me" and said she was going through some "changes" and that there was nothing wrong and that I didn't do anything and there was nothing I could do, she just had to work through some things on her own. 

Well yes, what she was actually working on was getting with this other dude that was older and had a better job and a nicer car and faster motorcycle etc etc. 

I was heartbroken and devastated and vowed to give it my all to get her back as I saw her as my one and only and that there could be no one as good as her or more right for me etc etc (it's called 'Oneitis" and you have a bad case of it right now) 

She dumped me good and me bringing her food and gifts and being her little errand boy proved fruitless and she continued to keep me in the far side of friendzone and continued to get with other dudes even though none of them seemed to really stick around very long. 

I kept thinking she had just made some "mistakes" and once she realised I was the true one for her, she would be back. 

The biggest regret of my love and sex life for 57 years was that I spent a YEAR sniffling in my pillow for her and thinking she was my one true love and I basically sat around moping and not getting out and meeting and dating anyone else (I wanted to be available for when she came back) 

I don't regret dating her. I don't regret anything about our relationship as it was a summer teen romance that they make movies about (that all go down in flames when people start going to college etc) 

And I truly do not regret her cheating on and dumping me as I now see that she wasn't all that great AT ALL and that we were NOT right for each other. So I really don't regret getting dumped and harbor no ill will towards her at all (we are even Facebook friends and have chatted about some of the old gang from back home now and then) 

What I regret was that I wasted even ONE MINUTE of my life moping and pining and trying to get her back and I regret that I spent an entire year of my life not asking anyone out and not going on any dates or even trying to hook up with anyone for that whole year of my life. It was truly wasted on someone that didn't want to be with me and that cheated on me and treated me poorly. If I could find a time machine I would go back and kick my dumb azz self right in the keester. 

Now fast forward to when I was 22 and my 2nd biggest regret. 

When I was 21 I was dating an 18 year old high school girl. We were in love and having lots of regular hot monkey sex and she too was promising me the world and two rose gardens and vowing her undying love. 

Then within a matter of weeks had turned cold and became unavailable and avoidant (your word, but it fits perfectly as part of the process) and basically giving me the brush off. I had seen this before and while I knew the writing on the wall, It also put me into a panic as I tried to save the relationship from it's ashes. 

But it was to no avail, she was banging other dudes and dumped me cold and hard. 

I was again broken hearted but this time I wanted NOTHING to do with her and did an about-face and hit the gym and delved into work and partying with my buddys and getting out and meeting girls and had a number of dates and some hook ups and what not over the next several months. 

So where is the problem and regret you ask........ Well one night at a party that was basically a country drunken barn dance I got with an older chick that knocked my socks off in one night. No we did not quite get naked but we made out and talked the night away until the sun came up. 

And we shortly there after started dating legitimately and steady. Me at 22 and she at 26. I thought I had hit one out of the ballpark. 

But here is where the regret comes from and my warning to you - this was a rebound. It was salve for my bruised ego. 

Now I legitimately liked her and she liked me and we had good sex and in many metrics a good relationship. 

BUT within a hand full of months I knew in my heart she was not "The One" and I was still having yearnings for dating and hooking up with other chicks. 

However I tried to shove all of that way deep inside and I committed myself to staying with this chick as I thought that is what people should do and that I should have a steady girlfriend and be working towards settling down and looking towards marriage and commitment and adulthood etc.......... at 22 and then 23 and then 24 etc 

Long story short I burnt up several more years with this gal when I knew I wasn't ready for any kind of marriage or commitment etc and when I knew that she wasn't The One. 

A part of me felt I couldn't do any better. 

A part of me felt since she dug me and had sex with me, I should be sticking with her. 

A part of me felt like since my peers were all getting married or moving in with their sweethearts, that I should be too. 

Well now they are all divorced and paying child support and alimony on various ex wives and mulitple kids that are now being raised by other men and my second biggest regret from the age of 22 was jumping into another relationship and committing myself when I should have spent that time and energy developing myself into the man I wanted to be. 

Now the punchline to this story is over time that gal and I did split up. I did start dating and spinning plates and hooking up with a variety of women. I did develop my career and my physique and my lifestyle.....

.....and by the time I was in my late 20s-30, women were knocking on my door my with plates of cookies and booty calling ME at all hours of the day and night and even married women were stopping by my house on their way home from work etc etc. 

I'll put the big take away in my next post so that that message stands away from all the background crap of this post ...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I'll put the big take away in my next post so that that message stands away from all the background crap of this post ...


Here is what you need to understand at 22 that no one told me when I was 22. 

There are millions upon millions of pretty women in their 20s.

In fact, basically all 20something year old women are attractive and sexy unless they are actually obese or are some how deformed or disfigured some how. 

They all want a strong, squared away, financially successful, competent and confident adult man. 

When you are in your teens and early 20s, you are not that man yet. You have to develop yourself into that man. 

BUT, when you do develop yourself into that man, by the time you reach 30, there are waaaayyy fewer strong, vigorous, professionally developed, financial stable, sober and socially competent men than there are pretty women. 

A 30 year old man that hasn't gotten fat, become an alcoholic or a criminal, that has a good education/training and a solid career that isn't living in his mom's basement playing video games and stocking shelves at Walmart,,,, has attractive women in their 20s coming to him and calling and txting him all hours of the day and night. 

If you spend your time and energies developing yourself into physically fit, strong, vigorous, financially stable man with a good social circle and social competence and you will have trouble keeping women from running into each other as they are coming in the front door and exiting out the back. 

If you spend your time and energies chasing girls and trying to keep that one girl from leaving you, you will be stuck as a mom's basement dweller stocking shelves at Walmart and she will still leave you for that developed man with the biceps, the professional career, the nice car and house and the fun and comfortable lifestyle and social life. 

Build yourself first - the rest will come to you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Go to school to be a diagnostic medical sonographer. It’s only a two year program and you can make decent money. The medical field isn’t going away and you will have stable employment anywhere in the USA.

Get that girl out your house!!!!!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Growing expensive mushrooms is a good side gig, but I agree with @Mr.Married, go to school and get a career. There are many good careers that only require a two year degree. Some may not require a degree at all, but you can work your way to journeyman through apprenticeship. In my area, plumbers are in high demand. You could continue growing mushrooms while going to school.

And I agree - get that woman out of your house. If you need a roommate, find someone who will pay rent and not drive you to depression.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think mushroom cultivation engineer is a fine profession. Carry on young man!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think mushroom cultivation engineer is a fine profession. Carry on young man!


Until the DEA kicks your front door in.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Until the DEA kicks your front door in.


Oh! Haha
I was thinking culinary mushrooms. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cynthia said:


> Oh! Haha
> I was thinking culinary mushrooms.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


suuuuuurrrrre you were


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Cynthia said:


> Oh! Haha
> I was thinking culinary mushrooms.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


As was I. Perhaps some nice chantrelles they have excellent flavor and I prefer them in queso fundito.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

There are two large mushroom growers in my area. When I think mushrooms, I think culinary or medicinal. 
@RosherDocks, what kind of mushrooms are your growing? If they are illegal mushrooms, I highly recommend you look into other career options quickly.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Shrooms (the good kind) are legal in at least a couple States now.


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## RosherDocks (Sep 18, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> There are two large mushroom growers in my area. When I think mushrooms, I think culinary or medicinal.
> @RosherDocks, what kind of mushrooms are your growing? If they are illegal mushrooms, I highly recommend you look into other career options quickly.


Haha love some of the comments and im SO THANKFUL for the advice i would have never gotten anything like this from a reddit fourm. I ended the open thing as i would never be the primary again and talked about everything again today. Im not mad that she found someone with a better personality, it just hurts as many of you said youve experienced before. My little brother knows the guy and apparently he is extremely abusive to women and is a good 100-150 pounds heaveier (fat) than me soooooo thats just ****ed. It isnt my issue and i know its playing the nice guy card but if my parents are chill with her staying here for rent until she figures everything out im just going to let her stay. I dont want her to lose her job or anything and its complicated at my house trying to get a roomate for reasons my parents wouldnt want me to disclose 🥦🥦 especially with my dad being disabled 🥦🥦 so this is just less of a hassle for everyone in the long run.

I DO GROW GOURMET AND MEDICAL MUSHROOMS HAHA. Im HIGHLY interested in the entire process of growing them and have made more money in a month than i have any other job. Plus i can get tax write offs for bills in the house since i run the buisness from home. Ive done 3-4 years of reasearch on growing and cultivating cultures and have gotten extremely effective at the process. Theres so much mushrooms are going to do to change the world much more than they already have with inventions like mushroom concrete or plastic so theres alot of room for growth in the future if i just ke
ep building everything right.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

RosherDocks said:


> Ive talked to her and its hard for her to make living arrangements, there is no one close by for her to move in with, as she doesnt have her own vehicle.


Who cares?
Chuck her out, don't talk about chucking her out.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

RosherDocks said:


> Theres so much mushrooms are going to do to change the world much more than they already have with inventions like mushroom concrete or plastic so theres alot of room for growth in the future if i just ke
> ep building everything right.


Ever since I met Koopas in the mushroom kingdom 🍄 I became interested in the mushroom sciences. You have a bright future young man. Hopefully you’ll cast this woman adrift like a spore.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You will recover quicker if she’s out of your life. Seeing her come at all hours of the night is going to hurt you. You should put a short time limit on how long she can stay. Instead of leaving the relationship with dignity, she’s betraying you with a guy that has a girlfriend.

And please do not believe fir a second that it’s only a crush. She slept on the couch because she wants to be loyal to her new man. The reason you sleeping with her felt way off is that she’s now repulsed by you. You experienced cold duty sex. 

Dump her ASAP. Like @oldshirt recommended , you should concentrate on becoming the best version of yourself, including your career and education. With her being your first love and having spent a lot of your formative years with her, It’s going to take at least a year to get her out of your system. Use that time to transform yourself.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

RosherDocks said:


> Shes going to pay rent now while shes here for the remainder of her time,


Great idea,
After legally securing tenure in your home, she will bring home a series of 'unsuitable men' in order to have noisy sex all night, then display herself in scanty underwear while being felt up by them in front of you every breakfast. A special show, just for you.

And you can forget about any new girlfriends while she's living in the same house as you, they won't be interested in a guy still living with his former girlfriend.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Yikes! @ElwoodPDowd is correct. If you let her live with you and pay rent, you are setting yourself up for misery. Give the woman a date that she must be out by and enforce it. Do not allow her to pay rent. Just tell her she has to get out. By allowing her to pay rent, you are entering into a legal situation that will be expensive and difficult to get out of. You think she won’t take advantage of you and your parents, but she has already been doing that.

You love her. I get it. But she has betrayed you, while using you to meet her needs. She has a job. If she has squandered all of her money, that is not your problem. What you are doing is enabling her to continue down the road she is on. It’s not healthy for any of you.

You have been seeing this woman through rose colored glasses, because you love her. But it’s time to face up to what she is really like. She has been living off you and using your resources rather than being a responsible adult and paying her way. You are allowing her to also bleed off your parent’s resources. Your parents are not rich people or even well off. They do not have resources to share with someone who is not contributing, but is taking serious advantage of them. Think about it this way. She is taking advantage of the poor. That is a horrible thing to do.

She is a healthy woman with a job and resources which she has selfishly been spending only on herself. It’s time for her to wake up to reality. She is what we call a cake eater. She lives off you while not being faithful to you. She takes all that she earns and uses it for her own desires. Honestly, she sounds heartless.

As others have mentioned, it is next to impossible to heal from what she is doing when she is right there, in your face, continuing to do what has hurt you. By allowing her to stay, you are quite literally giving her a platform from which to operate while she and her lover work to destroy yet another person, his girlfriend. Do not be a party to her bad behavior. Tell her to get out.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> Yikes! @ElwoodPDowd is correct. If you let her live with you and pay rent, you are setting yourself up for misery. Give the woman a date that she must be out by and enforce it. Do not allow her to pay rent. Just tell her she has to get out. By allowing her to pay rent, you are entering into a legal situation that will be expensive and difficult to get out of. You think she won’t take advantage of you and your parents, but she has already been doing that.
> 
> You love her. I get it. But she has betrayed you, while using you to meet her needs. She has a job. If she has squandered all of her money, that is not your problem. What you are doing is enabling her to continue down the road she is on. It’s not healthy for any of you.
> 
> ...


Yes. 
You are being a chump and a doormat. 
And it’s not nice or virtuous or respectable, it’s just weak and foolish - Stop.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP,
You need to read Cynthia’s post about 50 times. It is exactly what you need to hear.

you’re hurting. Don’t hurt yourself worse.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> Rosher, take it from an old codger that been around decades longer than you, has had way more puzzy than you likely ever will, and spent 12 years as an part-time escort. She's lost interest in you, wants to and is sampling the inventory of other men and/or women, and is banging other people. Forgive her, get your hat, ride off into the sunset. and forget her Grasshopper. Since she claims she is bi, you could work a deal with her and her girlfriends for some MFF sharing. Does that sound like something you may be interested in? You may have a potential harem right before your eyes my man.


12 years as an escort? Lol like that qualifies your advice as 'superior' to others..........


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