# Recently cheated



## ReptarGirl (Feb 23, 2015)

I need someone to talk to about it. I really don't need judgements though but I recently cheated and I'm awash with all these emotions and feelings over it. If anyone cares to help or listen, i would love to talk

I'm Nicola btw


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Confess.

And not to us.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Confess.
> 
> And not to us.


Wait. Be really sure. I wish I had never heard my husband's confession.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Cara said:


> Wait. Be really sure. I wish I had never heard my husband's confession.


Why not?

Nicola, do you wish to save your marriage?


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## ReptarGirl (Feb 23, 2015)

Saving the marriage might not be the outcome if i tell him. The circumstances are not ideal, lets leave it at that


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Yeah, you're not going to find a lot of supporters on this forum... many, MANY of the people on TAM have been cheated on, so they won't have much sympathy.

I would suggest that you seek out a therapist.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ReptarGirl said:


> Saving the marriage might not be the outcome if i tell him. The circumstances are not ideal, lets leave it at that


Then why are you here?

If you're hoping to continue your affair, you've landed at the wrong site.


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## ReptarGirl (Feb 23, 2015)

How about not putting words in my mouth. I never said I wanted to continue it. I just think telling someone to fess up without knowing the circumstances and without thinking about the consequences is not really great advice. Life just isnt that black and white


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cara said:


> Wait. Be really sure. I wish I had never heard my husband's confession.


 @Cara, please understand that I mean no offense when I say this, but I will _never_ understand this horrible head-in-the-sand mentality that so many people seem to have.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ReptarGirl said:


> How about not putting words in my mouth. I never said I wanted to continue it. I just think telling someone to fess up without knowing the circumstances and without thinking about the consequences is not really great advice. Life just isnt that black and white


OK, then tell us.

As for your horrible rationalization, the bottom line is that you've violated the agreement of sexual fidelity that is one of the most common explicitly-stated (and agreed upon) underpinnings that exist between man and wife and is understood to exist between boyfriend/girlfriend. Based on that, your husband/boyfriend/SO has a right to determine for himself (or herself, if that happens to be the case) whether or not he wants to continue in your relationship.

PERIOD.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ReptarGirl said:


> Saving the marriage might not be the outcome if i tell him. The circumstances are not ideal, *lets leave it at that*


OK then. Goodbye. If you're going to just leave it at that, how in the world do you think anyone here can help you?


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Ok, you will get a lot of bashing here but try and type out the whole situation. 

You can't get advice with one paragraph. 

Start from...the beginning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReptarGirl (Feb 23, 2015)

I really didnt expect to see men commenting on a post in the ladies lounge, and the reason why i posted it here was because I knew that men would react quite harshly to it. It is complicated, it is not black and white, and I am not going to give details to be picked apart by people like Gus or others who judge without knowing more. 

If anyone genuinely cares, they can send me a pm and I will talk that way


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ReptarGirl said:


> I really didnt expect to see men commenting on a post in the ladies lounge, and the reason why i posted it here was because I knew that men would react quite harshly to it. It is complicated, it is not black and white, and I am not going to give details to be picked apart by people like Gus or others who judge without knowing more.
> 
> If anyone genuinely cares, they can send me a pm and I will talk that way


You're reading my posts all wrong. I'm not judging you.

At all.

ETA: FWIW, you're likely to get "bashed" far worse via PM than you are via the open forums.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ReptarGirl said:


> I really didnt expect to see men commenting on a post in the ladies lounge, and the reason why i posted it here was because I knew that men would react quite harshly to it. It is complicated, it is not black and white, and I am not going to give details to be picked apart by people like Gus or others who judge without knowing more.
> 
> If anyone genuinely cares, they can send me a pm and I will talk that way


First off, lose the attitude.

That might work for bvllshytting your husband but it won't fly here.

Secondly, there are just as many hurt and pissed off women here who have had their lives ripped apart by a cheater.

Third, try posting in the Coping With Infidelity forum for more experienced input.

Fourth, lay it out. Tell your story in detail. Your ages, length of relationship, length of marriage, kids and ages, everything.

Fifth, you will get some scorch marks from hot posts but you will also get great advice.

If you just want a sounding board or to flip attitude, you have indeed arrived at the wrong location.

Also, leave your sexist shyt at the door. 

We have all kinds here and most are not hypocrites.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ReptarGirl said:


> I really didnt expect to see men commenting on a post in the ladies lounge, and the reason why i posted it here was because I knew that men would react quite harshly to it. It is complicated, it is not black and white, and I am not going to give details to be picked apart by people like Gus or others who judge without knowing more.
> 
> If anyone genuinely cares, they can send me a pm and I will talk that way


I doubt you'll find many people invested enough in a newbie to start sending PMs. If you won't share your story on an anonymous forum, nobody can help you.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> First off, lose the attitude.
> 
> That might work for bvllshytting your husband but it won't fly here.
> 
> ...



Female here, you need to provide more detail. But I doubt you'll find many if anyone at all that will advise you not to tell your BH that you've cheated on him.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Ann here, I agree with Kristin. You need to give us the details, no one can give you advise without knowing what's going on. 

Please don't judge these guys and they are trying to help you. I have seen the advice that Gus and Conan gives, they are blunt and in your face. They will tell give you the truth not what you want to hear. No one will give you a break here, that is what you need in order to make amends, to forgive yourself and have the courage to tell the truth to your SO. Or even, if you need to find the courage to leave.

You are here, tell your story. Let them help.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, no one here is attacking you. In fact, everything that's been said is quite on point.

Like i said in my earlier post, you're not going to get much sympathy. As far as TAMers are concerned, infidelity is pretty much the biggest betrayal a partner can make. There is never any excuse for infidelity--whatever excuse or reason you've got in your head, Gus is right--it's a rationalization, not a reason. If your marriage was so bad that you think you had no choice but to cheat, it was your moral responsibility to get out of your marriage before you let another person into your bed. You're going to have to recognize that and accept responsibility for your actions before you can even think about fixing anything. 

And from your tone and your posts, it sounds like you haven't done that yet. Your posts sound very defensive, and give the impression that you are blaming your marriage or even your husband for what YOU did. You're gonna have to swallow that pride if you want to get anything out of this. 

If you truly regret what you did and want to save your relationship, you can get good advice on TAM. A lot of it will sound harsh, but honestly, that's what you need if you want to fix what you've broken. You're going to have to post details and tell us what happened. You can't say, "Let's just leave it at that." No. That's not going to fly. Part of posting details is so that we can give you specific advice, but posting details is also about you OWNING what you've done.

Yes, coming clean to your husband may destroy your marriage. There are consequences to your actions, and you are going to have to accept them. That is part of being an adult. But you've betrayed your husband's trust in the worst way possible, and the only chance you have of regaining that trust is by being honest with him. No more secrets. You can't hide anything from him.

(The only exception to this rule is if your husband is abusive, and if you legitimately fear for your physical safety if you tell him.)

You will get posts from men and women no matter where you post; I post in the Men's Clubhouse all the time (much to their chagrin, I imagine!). I agree with ConanHub that you should probably start a thread in Coping with Infidelity--you'll get much more specific, helpful feedback there.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Reptar,

Can we start with this question:

What do you think was wrong in your marriage, that led to you going outside it for emotional/sexual satisfaction?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

intheory said:


> Reptar,
> 
> Can we start with this question:
> 
> What do you think was wrong in your marriage, that led to you going outside it for emotional/sexual satisfaction?


Good question. (Her answer, however, may very well be... well, _not_ good.)

Here are a few more...

Do you love your spouse?

Do you want to continue in your marriage? If so, why? If not, why?

Who is your affair partner? Friend? Neighbor? Co-worker? In-law? A sibling or other relative of your spouse?

Has the affair (thus far, anyway) amounted to a one-time encounter or has it gone on for some time? The title of the thread would tend to imply the former, but, regardless... _are_ you looking to continue in your affair?

Do you feel any sort of emotional connection to your affair partner?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ReptarGirl said:


> Saving the marriage might not be the outcome if i tell him. The circumstances are not ideal, lets leave it at that


Do you not believe he should have informed consent about the vows you made to each other and the choice to be married to you? If the truth makes it so he realizes that he does not want to be married to you, then saving the marriage should not be the priority.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ReptarGirl said:


> How about not putting words in my mouth. I never said I wanted to continue it. I just think telling someone to fess up without knowing the circumstances and without thinking about the consequences is not really great advice. Life just isnt that black and white


The only one who deserves the truth about your marriage, under any circumstances, is him.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Hopefully gone, never to return. Try a forum where degeneracy is accepted.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

OnTheFly said:


> Hopefully gone, never to return. Try a forum where degeneracy is accepted.


I can't hang with that sentiment, and I don't see the use in driving off cheating spouses.

There's always the chance, however slim, that something said gets through.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

GTdad said:


> I can't hang with that sentiment, and I don't see the use in driving off cheating spouses.
> 
> There's always the chance, however slim, that something said gets through.


*raises hand*
I'm a cheater and I'm still here. I'm doing what it takes to repair the damage I've done. I'm owning my shyte and I'm not hiding behind anyone or anything.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> @Cara, please understand that I mean no offense when I say this, but I will _never_ understand this horrible head-in-the-sand mentality that so many people seem to have.


It is a horrible situation, but since I will not divorce for any reason except abuse, it would be better IMO to not have to carry this knowledge. That is the only reason I have.

In my case, my H told me because he wanted to relieve HIS OWN GUILT. So, to make himself feel better, he hurt me. I believe this is selfish and cruel unless the ultimate goal is to destroy the marriage or build a stronger one. He wanted neither.

Whether this lady wants out or to fix things, she should consider what the effect on her family will be before confessing. 

Hijack over.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cara said:


> It is a horrible situation, but since I will not divorce for any reason except abuse, it would be better IMO to not have to carry this knowledge. That is the only reason I have.
> 
> In my case, my H told me because he wanted to relieve HIS OWN GUILT. So, to make himself feel better, he hurt me. I believe this is selfish and cruel unless the ultimate goal is to destroy the marriage or build a stronger one. He wanted neither.
> 
> ...


I respectfully disagree. Not telling him -- regardless of her intent in not doing so -- amounts to nothing more than dealing w/ him in an non-even-handed manner.

Let's say, for example, that OP's marriage (whatever its current state may be) goes to absolute sh*t in the aftermath of her affair. If her husband isn't made aware of the why behind it all, he can't effectively combat it. (*cough* @Ckone1800) _He deserves the truth, just as you did._

Regardless of his intent, your husband told you the truth. What YOU decide to do -- or _not_ do, as your case may be -- is up to you... and ON you as well.

Oh, and by the way, if your husband's intent in telling you the truth w/ respect to his infidelity was indeed to alleviate his own guilt while simultaneously making you suffer...? Well, that's pretty f*cking abusive.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Cara said:


> It is a horrible situation, but since I will not divorce for any reason except abuse, it would be better IMO to not have to carry this knowledge. That is the only reason I have.
> 
> In my case, my H told me because he wanted to relieve HIS OWN GUILT. So, to make himself feel better, he hurt me. I believe this is selfish and cruel unless the ultimate goal is to destroy the marriage or build a stronger one. He wanted neither.
> 
> ...


If he only wanted to alleviate his guilt, then he wasn't truly remorseful about his choices then, is he?

Oh and I consider infidelity a very clear form of emotional abuse (aside from complete destruction of the marital vows). I don't expect anyone to feel compelled to not end a marriage after their so-called partner has cheated.

The effect on her family of her H not tolerating being taken advantage of is that she has no choice but to respect that perfectly healthy boundary, one way or another, and that her children see what strength looks like.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

GTdad said:


> I can't hang with that sentiment, and I don't see the use in driving off cheating spouses.
> 
> There's always the chance, however slim, that something said gets through.


Perhaps, but I'm going to double down and speculate this is a male troll….as 'he/she' was quick to want to pm with sympathetic females. My cynicism is running high tonight!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cara. Cheating is abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReptarGirl (Feb 23, 2015)

Wow, amazing what gets posted on my time driving home from work. This is definitely not as welcome a place as I thought. Thanks to those that did reach out to me privately. 

Life isn't black and white and a lot of the aggression pointed at me was very unnecessary.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ReptarGirl said:


> Wow, amazing what gets posted on my time driving home from work. This is definitely not as welcome a place as I thought. Thanks to those that did reach out to me privately.
> 
> Life isn't black and white and a lot of the aggression pointed at me was very unnecessary.


Then explain it to us.

Either way, if you can't handle the "aggression" that you _think_ you've seen here, then you're in NO way prepared for the whirlwind of turmoil that's about to descend upon your life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ReptarGirl said:


> Wow, amazing what gets posted on my time driving home from work. This is definitely not as welcome a place as I thought. Thanks to those that did reach out to me privately.
> 
> Life isn't black and white and a lot of the aggression pointed at me was very unnecessary.


LOL! Look at yourself. Your attitude is unnecessary. Either tell what is going on or just go.

Your affair partner might like your games but we don't think they are cute.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

@GusPolinski , looking back I did not make a couple facts clear. 

First, I do not believe he did this specifically to hurt me, but only to alleviate his own guilt. Hurting me was the result. 

Second, If not for our two young kids I would have filed for divorce before he finished his pathetic confession. They are the single reason I am still with him.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

ReptarGirl said:


> Wow, amazing what gets posted on my time driving home from work. This is definitely not as welcome a place as I thought. Thanks to those that did reach out to me privately.
> 
> Life isn't black and white and a lot of the aggression pointed at me was very unnecessary.


Ah, I see you have fallen into the victim role now. 

Well, if you do not want to answer the hard questions do not ask for help on a forum where many of the posters are dealing with infidelity, and are usually the person who was cheated on.

The help and support available here, for _free_ I might add, is invaluable. The culture here has a wonderful habit of cutting through the crap and telling people what they _need_ to hear, as opposed to what they _want_ to hear. 

If you open yourself up and approach this situation with honesty and humility I believe it is possible for you to fix this. It is your choice.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Ever notice that the folks that say, "Don't judge me, but," are the very ones that really need being judged?

I don't think I've ever seen it turn out otherwise.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

ReptarGirl said:


> I need someone to talk to about it. I really don't need judgements though but I recently cheated and I'm awash with all these emotions and feelings over it. If anyone cares to help or listen, i would love to talk
> 
> I'm Nicola btw


Well I thought about cheating on my husband but, removed my profile after 3 days and I got some great advice from people here and I am heading in the right direction.

how long have you been with the person you cheated on?

why did you cheat? I need some more information. Your post does not state too much.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Based on her post, and amount of details provided, she was looking for someone to tell her that what she did is O.K. As long as she will not do it it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

ReptarGirl said:


> Wow, amazing what gets posted on my time driving home from work. This is definitely not as welcome a place as I thought. Thanks to those that did reach out to me privately.
> 
> Life isn't black and white and a lot of the aggression pointed at me was very unnecessary.


TAM can seem harsh but you can get very good advise on turning a situation around. If you're looking for the "you go girl" pat on the back and posters to tell you "just because you cheated on your husband doesn't make you a bad person." then you should head to Love shack's OW section. Plenty of remorseless woman to provide moral support with strong censorship to make sure no one post anything that your delicate sensibilities would be disturbed by.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

ReptarGirl said:


> Wow, amazing what gets posted on my time driving home from work. This is definitely not as welcome a place as I thought. Thanks to those that did reach out to me privately.
> 
> Life isn't black and white and a lot of the aggression pointed at me was very unnecessary.


OP: you have explained next to nothing. It's rather difficult to make any careful comments other than to point out that being honest is very often the best thing, and that keeping to yourself can wreck your marriage as much as it's already been wrecked.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My wife cheated a lot over the years...those emotions you feel will fade and sleeping around behind your partners back will get easier.

it is true that the confession froma wayward spouse is a living hell...my old lady finally confessed after 13 yrs of screwing around....that day sucked...The only time i ever thought about killing my self.

It's funny how complicated life was when me and the old lady had secrets...these day it's care free.

No mare parties, fights and staying over night....its actually a good clean living compared to the old day when one of us was kicking the shyt out of some loud mouth and spilling drugs all over the car floor laughing about some chick my old lady made bleed all over the bar floor or some poor guy I knocked out. you know your not living life right when your family is 1st name bases with the cops!

My point is life can be so much better when one is not phucking around, hurting people and lying.....Doing the right thing and being good to others just seems to pay off 10 fold compare the crap me and the old lady did back in the day. I mean we are way better off now thats for sure.

sincerely
the guy
with the cheating wife.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm not sure what side of the track you are from....clarly you know what side of the tracks I come from...hell you might be a well educated , great job , travel the world kind of gal....but I do know one thing no matter what side of the track you come from life gets a lot less complicated when one start doing the right thing!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW i don't mean the judge (trust me I am not a good man but I'm working on being better) I was just trying to tell you were I was coming from.
Some one has to give a little back round here..it may as well be me .LOL


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> I'm not sure what side of the track you are from....clarly you know what side of the tracks I come from...hell you might be a well educated , great job , travel the world kind of gal....but I do know one thing no matter what side of the track you come from *life gets a lot less complicated when one start doing the right thing!*


In other words, life is as "black and white" -- or, for that matter, grey, blue, brown, green, orange, purple, red, yellow, etc -- as you make it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OnTheFly said:


> Hopefully gone, never to return. Try a forum where degeneracy is accepted.


Running a person off before they even get a chance to discuss the situation is not acceptable. If you find a poster's story offensive, then stay off their thread.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

ReptarGirl said:


> Wow, amazing what gets posted on my time driving home from work. This is definitely not as welcome a place as I thought. Thanks to those that did reach out to me privately.
> 
> Life isn't black and white and a lot of the aggression pointed at me was very unnecessary.


ReptarGirl,

I would advise you to find a mirror and tell the person you see that her actions were absolutely acceptable. That's what you want, and it's probably the only place you will receive such feedback.

On the off chance you are truly interested in coming to grips with your action, I highly recommend you be open to much of the advice you will receive here. Some of it will sting, but it will be beneficial to your situation. Good luck!


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

ReptarGirl said:


> I need someone to talk to about it. I really don't need judgements though but I recently cheated and I'm awash with all these emotions and feelings over it. If anyone cares to help or listen, i would love to talk
> 
> I'm Nicola btw


The issue here is that your post really does not state anything other than you cheated. It would help to understand the big picture. Maybe if you gave more details we could be of some help. But, if you are not willing to discuss it here why did you start a post?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Attacking the OP is uncalled for. There is only one thing that is guaranteed when a person is attacked, they will leave.

When we, as a group on TAM, have approached WS with a bit less attacking attitude we have been able to help that person come a long way.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> In other words, life is as "black and white" -- or, for that matter, grey, blue, brown, green, orange, purple, red, yellow, etc -- as you make it.


I never real thought about that Gus, but it makes sense.
But back in the day I thought I was doing right by hurting poeple kicking the dog and pushing the old lady around...I thought life was so complicated.

After all it was their fault not mine!

It's amazing what a lot of anger management and professional help will do to someone...even an @ss like me:grin2:
Once I took responsablity for the crap that was happening around me life got a lot less complicated.

I don't know if my old lady will phuck around behind my back or not, that up to her and how she wants to live her own life. as for me I'm done with those unhealthy bull shyt behaviors....if Mrs. the guy want to hang out then great if not that sucks but one thing for sure i will no longer share my wife.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

If u wish to discuss this you can send a private message if u would like


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Attacking the OP is uncalled for. There is only one thing that is guaranteed when a person is attacked, they will leave.
> 
> When we, as a group on TAM, have approached WS with a bit less attacking attitude we have been able to help that person come a long way.


I know when I first came here, after being attacked and after having certain members call my wife a "druggie" for being a MMJ patient, I deleted my initial posts and considered never returning. As a WS myself, I came here seeking help in getting better and making an effort to reconcile...I was met very harshly. I was called a fraud and worse. I'm sure there are still some of them who feel I am a fraud...so I made it a point to stay and show that it can be done.

People makes mistakes in all aspects of life. Some worse than others. I will concede that some of the WSs that come here don't necessarily exhibit the remorse by what they state (and I have even called some out on it), but the immediate, Pavlovian response to unleash Hell on the cheater without even hearing the whole story seems to be pervasive here.

There are some of us WSs that have come around and are actively working on our marriages, and have contributed here on TAM, yes?


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## KatViolet (Jul 27, 2015)

By asking people to PM instead of laying your problem in the forum, i'm under the impression that OP wants to filter the responds and just replied to one that she likes, almost like seeking validation/encouragement not pure advice
Problem in the marriage is not black and white, yes. Cheating is pure black, that's a crappy solution to problem. When i see a cheater saying stuffs like this it just shows that she won't take full responsibility of her actions that she chose by herself to do


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

KatViolet said:


> By asking people to PM instead of laying your problem in the forum, i'm under the impression that OP wants to filter the responds and just replied to one that she likes, almost like seeking validation/encouragement not pure advice.


There may be a plethora of reasons...maybe shame/guilt, who knows. I know that some members have spoken to me about having my wife join and I offered the invite...but after reading what some members had to say about her cannabis usage, she wants nothing to do with this site. She tells me that it is full of mean, harsh, judgmental people and she won't dare set foot in here.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> I know when I first came here, after being attacked and after having certain members call my wife a "druggie" for being a MMJ patient, I deleted my initial posts and considered never returning. As a WS myself, I came here seeking help in getting better and making an effort to reconcile...I was met very harshly. I was called a fraud and worse. I'm sure there are still some of them who feel I am a fraud...so I made it a point to stay and show that it can be done.
> 
> People makes mistakes in all aspects of life. Some worse than others. I will concede that some of the WSs that come here don't necessarily exhibit the remorse by what they state (and I have even called some out on it), but *the immediate, Pavlovian response to unleash Hell on the cheater without even hearing the whole story seems to be pervasive here.*
> 
> There are some of us WSs that have come around and are actively working on our marriages, and have contributed here on TAM, yes?


Please cite an example of this from within this thread.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Please cite an example of this from within this thread.


For starters...


OnTheFly said:


> Hopefully gone, never to return. Try a forum where degeneracy is accepted.


Wanna see more Gus? I myself was called remorseless, selfish, and other things. Like I said, I was treated so harshly and the derogatory remarks regarding my wife's cannabis usage was not met with kind words either. Do you really want to take a piss with me on this one...really?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Whats plethora mean?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Please cite an example of this from within this thread.





OnTheFly said:


> Hopefully gone, never to return. Try a forum where degeneracy is accepted.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Running a person off before they even get a chance to discuss the situation is not acceptable. If you find a poster's story offensive, then stay off their thread.


Cheaters with attitudes get what they deserve. No mercy or empathy from me….sorry.

Not all cheaters are treated this way, as I've seen here. But they came with a different mindset. If she wants support from the sisterhood I suspect there are better places to get it.


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## KatViolet (Jul 27, 2015)

What OP's gotten is rather mild, so far she has shown selfishness (won't confess to her husband, her 2nd post), and deep rationalization with the black and white thing. There are a few kind responds here but there are no reply, like or simple thanks from her, that's why i think she just wants validation for now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why have a pissing contest...if eleGirl thinks some are being shyty then I have to think some of us were...

IDK maybe I'm projecting , making excuses, justifing, and even gaslighting in how we treated a newbie.

I say phuck it...lesson learned ...lets be a little phucking softer next time around and wait for it to pan out.

It could have been worse...bandit could have been the 1st reply.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Sorry Gus, apparently I ruined your claim. I stand by what I posted earlier.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> For starters...
> 
> 
> Wanna see more Gus? I myself was called remorseless, selfish, and other things. Like I said, I was treated so harshly and the derogatory remarks regarding my wife's cannabis usage was not met with kind words either. Do you really want to take a piss with me on this one...really?


Hmm. Wasn't my comment, so I won't make any attempt to defend it.

Besides, I've spent enough time interacting w/ both waywards AND _former_ waywards in the open forums w/ the stated aim of indirectly helping their respective BS's that I feel like I don't really have to do more of that here, especially since we've not been provided w/ any further details upon which we can offer further comment.

Either way, feel free to take whatever as far as you want, but it's probably best that you do it in your own thread(s). I'm not in the habit of posting comments that I feel I can't defend. That said, when I find that I've done so, I have no problem w/ offering an apology -- and, if requested AND appropriate, removing or editing offending posts -- where warranted.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm. Wasn't my comment, so I won't make any attempt to defend it.
> 
> Besides, I've spent enough time interacting w/ both waywards AND _former_ waywards in the open forums w/ the stated aim of indirectly helping their respective BS's that I feel like I don't really have to do more of that here, especially since we've not been provided w/ any further details upon which we can offer further comment.
> 
> Either way, feel free to take whatever as far as you want, but it's probably best that you do it in your own thread(s). I'm not in the habit of posting comments that I feel I can't defend. That said, when I find that I've done so, I have no problem w/ offering an apology -- and, if requested AND appropriate, removing or editing offending posts -- where warranted.


So you took my comment about unleashing hell on WSs personally and thought I was directing it toward you? May I ask if I even remotely intimated that I was directing my comment(s) toward you? Color be befuddled now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OnTheFly said:


> Hopefully gone, never to return. Try a forum where degeneracy is accepted.


As a degenerate....I fell quite accepted....thank you very much!:smile2:


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> I myself was called remorseless, selfish, and other things…..


Was that unjustified, at the time?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OnTheFly said:


> Sorry Gus, apparently I ruined your claim. I stand by what I posted earlier.


Not really, no. This lady called me out by name earlier, which put me in a slightly defensive position.

And, no offense intended, but I tend to overlook comments along the lines of those that you posted earlier. I understand the sentiment behind them, but still... we should strive to remember that, for every WS, there is a BS whose world either has been or has the potential to be irrevocably crushed by his or her spouse's infidelity. (Still... they deserve the truth.)

Additionally, if we drive away the WS w/ our venom (as understandable as it may be), we're doing exactly NOTHING to assist his or her BS.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> So you took my comment about unleashing hell on WSs personally and thought I was directing it toward you? May I ask if I even remotely intimated that I was directing my comment(s) toward you? Color be befuddled now.


Here you go...



GusPolinski said:


> Not really, no. *This lady called me out by name earlier, which put me in a slightly defensive position.*
> 
> And, no offense intended, but I tend to overlook comments along the lines of those that you posted earlier. I understand the sentiment behind them, but still... we should strive to remember that, for every WS, there is a BS whose world either has been or has the potential to be irrevocably crushed by his or her spouse's infidelity. (Still... they deserve the truth.)
> 
> Additionally, if we drive away the WS w/ our venom (as understandable as it may be), we're doing exactly NOTHING to assist his or her BS.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Looks like we are breaking every rule in the book on this one.

The mods will lock this thread up if we continue to phuck it up!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Sure, flushing this thread would be a good idea, it's not helping anyone. Maybe the OP will try again, with a better attitude.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It is also a little hard to respond when the poster doesn't really say anything, implies men can't understand about when a woman cheats and with the same sentiment that women will automatically get it because all women obviously understand her position which she never revealed in the first place.

I think, if real, OP is still in justification and blame shifting mode.

Not ready for any real advice.

It is apparent that she doesn't want her marriage to end, don't know why because she won't tell.

It isn't clear about her affair at all except she had one.

When your ready, if ever, there is a ton of practical advice from many perspectives here.

Unless you want practical advice on continuing, concealing /getting away with cheating.

There are success stories here and I have seen several in real life too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OnTheFly said:


> Cheaters with attitudes get what they deserve. No mercy or empathy from me….sorry.


The OP put her toe in the water to determine if this is a safe place to post where she could actually get some help. Instead of getting help she was attacked. I doubt she will return.

Mercy and empathy? Are you eh judge, jury and executioner around here?

It is the policy of this site that WS will not be attacked and will be give support. Do you have an issue with the policy?



OnTheFly said:


> Not all cheaters are treated this way, as I've seen here. But they came with a different mindset. If she wants support from the sisterhood I suspect there are better places to get it.


If you cannot offer a person help, do not post on their thread. It's a pretty simple rule.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

MountainRunner said:


> There are some of us WSs that have come around and are actively working on our marriages, and have contributed here on TAM, yes?


Yes... 
While, I don't think I've specifically read your threads... but Yes, WS's that have come around (or still need to come around.. or still are working on coming around...etc.etc) have definitely contributed here on TAM.

It's also a journey of self discovery, so even if some don't seem to help others, they might be helping themselves (even with self expression) when they post here. Even if it is against popular opinions.

Waywardness can also use a friendly good helping light onto the good path that will bring a relationship around. Who better to help shine a light on the path than someone who's walked it before?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> It is also a little hard to respond when the poster doesn't really say anything, implies men can't understand about when a woman cheats and with the same sentiment that women will automatically get it because all women obviously understand her position which she never revealed in the first place.


The way I read it, she put her toe in the water to see if this is a safe place to discuss a pretty delicate, private matter. She found out that it is not.
This is why God created the question mark (?)… we can ask the OP questions. Instead of the instant actack and assuming one knows her point of view… asking questions goes a long way to draw a person out and find out what the issue is.



ConanHub said:


> I think, if real, OP is still in justification and blame shifting mode.
> 
> 
> Not ready for any real advice.


But you have no idea for sure do you? You are assuming. 



ConanHub said:


> It is apparent that she doesn't want her marriage to end, don't know why because she won't tell.
> 
> It isn't clear about her affair at all except she had one.
> 
> ...


Why would she come back here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ReptarGirl,

I'm closing this thread. 

If you want it re-opened let me know and I'll reopen it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ReptarGirl,

I'm closing this thread. 

If you want it re-opened let me know and I'll reopen it.


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