# advice greatly needed



## 3030150 (Sep 12, 2014)

apologies upfront for the long post. seems to be the norm here for OP's though. 

ok. i really hate even doing this. this feels almost like a breech of trust on my end, but i really feel like i need an unbiased outside opinion. most of my friends are relation to my wife or married in. and to be honest, im not sure i trust it not getting back to her. i need to get to bed, but i've been putting this off for too long. i dont know if im crazy, over-reacting, paranoid, dillusional, or what.... i just can't seem to follow if my gut is telling me something. wife and i have been married 7 years this october. we have 2 children, B&G. my wife has been acting strange/off/diff for several months now. i started noticing that work was starting to stress her out (she really loves her job, its right up her alley, and she's great at it). she'd get snippy when i asked what time she'd be home. (i work 3rd, mostly wondering so that i would know when to have supper ready & what time to be home with the kids) then she sort of took a liking to a younger co-worker FRIEND (a girl - completely non sexual) which i encouraged. a local event came up (food tasting from local restaraunts) and i told her "let's go!" and the idea was basically blown off. when her work friends wanted to go - hey yeah sure! let's do it! i brought this up later, and my wife said she figured i'd be tired and didnt really think it would happen. i said that if felt like you blew me off, but when your work friends wanted to go you were all for it. she said it wasn't that.

2. (yep, im numbering them now) we were coming home from a short weekend trip. we stopped to view a lot for sale, as we were thinking of building at the time. our son had her phone and was playing a game. he's 3. we were trying to figure out where the property line was when we both heard a male voice. we realized our son had dialed my wifes phone and aman picked up. right away, i thought it was odd - the mans voice seemed to say "hello" like someone would say it when they didn't want others to hear them, does that make sense? i mean, i really just got that image in my head as soon as i heard it. i reached for the phone, and she did at the same time and got it first. i said "oh its just a voicemail" and wife said "no, its a real number" then she just stared at the screen and hung up. i asked, well who was it? she said idk who it is. anyways, our attention turned back to the property lines and when i looked back at her (mid sentence) i could see she was back to staring at her phone, and i stopped talking about the house plans and said something like "are you listening? just call them back" she got defensive and changed the subject back to the property line, then jumped right back to it. that was probably the moment the red flags started popping up. this bugged me. and about a week later i looked at her phone log. she leaves the phone lying around every night right on the counter. i checked the number and looked it up. found out its a plastic surgeon. i felt better.... until i realized - what in the hell kind of plastic surgeon answers the phone on a Sunday evening at like 6pm!???! i saw in her call logs 2-3 more calls to the number. now, the number did show up the website as the business number so....??

3. she brought up plastic surgery. my wife has been dealing with low self-esteem all her life. im not real for what she's thinking. but she has brought it up before and this time when she asked i told her "why?? i love you for you, you dont need it, yadda yadda" i htought about it later and said "ok, if it will make you happy" come to find out she'd been calling or receiving calls from that place 2-3 times. that kinda ticked me off. again, WHO ANSWERS ON A SUNDAY EVENING??! the hours weren't even listed for sunday;.they stopped at FRIDAY. 

4. the overall lack of sex - in her defense, i've been ...... this is really embarassing, but i've in the last 3 years gone from a 45minute man to well, a minute man. dont know why. dont know what happened. but our sex life has gone from 2-3 times a week, to more like 1 every 1-2 months in the last year especially. even after our first child, it dropped in frequency. she started having sex with me more when we decided to have another baby which was great. but then it fell back down to barely at all after we got pregnant.

5. there were times in this period where initating sex was like like appauling to her. once after i pleaded, she actually said "hurry up! you have 5 minutes!" while that might SOUND hot, the way she said it in reality was like a mother telling a child to clean their room or else. i bascially said forget it and she didn't argue. now here lately, the sex has picked back up. and its been great. but for the last 5 months, minues maybe a handful of times i can see the dissapointment or lack of interest in her eyes when we're done. she also feels distant. we have 2 kids now - sometimes we run off and lock the bedroom door while wonderpets is on. im not delusionally thinking im going to get the same freaky loud sex we used to have. but no laying together afterwards. it feels like the closeness of the afterwards is gone *(man i sound like a wuss - ever heard of a guy WANTING to just lay there holding her when he's done?) we're busy, i get it. but even when we've been alone - as in, kids spend the night at grandparents house, theres been excuses on why we cant have sex or whatever. this was probably red flag number 2 (looking back)

6. a business trip to vegas has come up. i've gone along before when she worked at a different company and it wasn't an issue. i have ALWAYS wanted to go to vegas. and she knows that. our friends have gone 5-6 times over the years and due to bad financial times we could never go. when asked if maybe i could go along, maybe it could be a nice little anniversary get-a-way i was instead answered with "you can't go - they won't pay for you to go too!" ??? so you're telling me if i happened to just BE IN VEGAS your company would have a hissy? i could meet up with her after she was done, we get get a bite. have some drinks - BE AWAY FROM THE KIDS IN A HOTEL... IN VEGAS.... FOR A WEEK. !?!??! half of the trip would be paid for - if there was ever a time to go, why not go when HALF OF OUR TRIP WOULD BE PAID FOR!? im not expecting to eat on their dime! she treated that like it was just, idiotic and made it sound as if the idea were absurd. but she said "i guess i can ask... i'll look into it" 3 weeks later she comes home and tells me "yeah, i booked my vegas trip" tells me some details. never brings up me going. fine. you dont want me to go, but she didnt ask. a week later we fight about it and she acts like she doesn't remember the FIRST conversation. and tells me that "well, people just say all the time, "ok, i'll look into" it doesn't mean they always do, i just... i dk, i just said it. im sorry! if i would've known you wanted to go so bad i guess i could've asked." you guys/gals - i love my wife dearly, but i cannot believe she ACTUALLY didnt think i wanted to go, and im sorry but "you just say that to everybody!? exscuse me?! im your HUSBAND! and you basically just told me - that you just say you'll do stuff "all the time" without any real notion of following through. to me, it sems like she never wanted me to go - which is honestly and truly fine - but then JUST TELL ME THAT! DONT SAY "I'LL LOOK INTO IT" when you KNOW you wont! and for the record - again - so now im just someone you make empty promises to, "because people say that all the time.... i'll look into is jst something people say!" btw, during the fight i was trying to tell her that i wasn't upset because it was Vegas and that i thought she would try something, but she blurted out "what, do you think im going to DO SOMETHING while im there?" meaning, like mess around. sorry. im getting angry now and im not thinking clearly. i need to move on, i'll be happy to clarify if need be.

i felt like i had much more to say but im getting upset and its hard to focus. i just wonder and fear that there could be someone else. with the lack of sex, and the dissapointment in her face when we're done - to the weird phone call - the overall distance between us... is something going on or am i just paranoid.

i'll be happy to clarify anything from the post or give more details if they are needed. there have been times where ive felt sick to my stomach around her - time when she talks about vegas and wont look me in the eye - i ask how her day went and i barely get any response. i was on her facebook page, her phone, her texts, i can't find anything damning. i did however bring up the plastic surgeon once - i asked if she still went to him for dermatology visits - i was trying to find out if it was the same guy and my worries could be calmed, and that maybe it was just her dermatologist - she in my opinion overreacted and talked down to me and made me feel stupid for asking. made this huge what for about me forgetting or not noticing that she hadnt been to him in a long time. it pi$$ed me off to be honest, the way she spoke to me. when i checked her phone later that night before work - that plastic surgeons number from that day when she acted funny had been deleted. it was still there the other times though.... 

am i crazy? or do i need to hack her email, and get a VAR? she leaves for vegas this coming monday. and im about to break. i gave so much detail because im truly trying to be fair and tell both sides as honestly as i can. i hope i dont crash the f'in servers here, but .... i dont know. i fee like im at the end of my rope. i want to talk to people but i dont know who to turn to really. im embarassed and scared. we are closing on a house as we speak and im terrified im going to loose all this. i love her. but im really afraid something is going on. i have to stop now. im sure i haven't made any sense, ive started to delete this thread about 10 times but.... im at a point where i feel like i cant go forward without some input. thanks in advance.


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

It sounds like your onto something to me. Just the size of your spot suggests you have a lot of pent up anxiety. Your gut is telling you something for a reason, listen to it. But before we go one, I want you to read the following statement.

Do not confront her about anything anymore. Understand, say nothing. Soon, or if you search for it, find a thread started by weightlifter "Evidence gathering thread" which will provide invaluable information for your problem. You have also said that you can currently get into her phone. From this point on do not mention it and ignore it as best as you can while she is around, in the Evidence thread you'll get info on how to spy her phone. Utilize it before she locks it, because then you fvcked.

The lack of sex is normal and your performance is normal since the frequency and duration dropped off considerably. Her telling you you've got 5 minutes though is her throwing you a bone to shut you up, whether there is another OM or not her disinterest is a concern at any rate.

Remember, say nothing, research and prepare. 

If your curious about what the future holds just scroll over some of the other threads that have well of 50 or so posts and read the beginning and then the end. You'll have a reference for your mind to wrap around.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Where there's smoke .....


----------



## 3030150 (Sep 12, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> It sounds like your onto something to me. Just the size of your spot suggests you have a lot of pent up anxiety. Your gut is telling you something for a reason, listen to it. But before we go one, I want you to read the following statement.
> 
> Do not confront her about anything anymore. Understand, say nothing. Soon, or if you search for it, find a thread started by weightlifter "Evidence gathering thread" which will provide invaluable information for your problem. You have also said that you can currently get into her phone. From this point on do not mention it and ignore it as best as you can while she is around, in the Evidence thread you'll get info on how to spy her phone. Utilize it before she locks it, because then you fvcked.
> 
> ...


thanks for actually reading all that, lol. in all seriousness though - i joined a month ago and have been doing exactly that. ive read the gathering evidence thread about 3 times. it makes me feel weird but. i know that if she is up to soemthing that its in my families best interest to spearhead this. i already found a VAR but dont know about spending the money because we really are tight right now. and to be honest - im scared sh!tless of what i may find. im sure she'd notice that money being spent ya know? what worries me is that business conference trip coming up. my heart and my head are at odds. at dinner last week i asked about it, bc i really do want to know. i want her to have fun and she does seem excited. but she could barely look me in the eye talking about it. is my parnoia ruining it for her? or am i onto something? anyways, she stopped at one point and said "youre mad aren't you?"

i forgot to add, last night i said to her "lets go to the bedroom" and she was sort've caugt off-guard bc the kids were in the kitchen. she said she wasn't really expecting that. i said okay "fine" in ajoking way. then again in jest.... "i guess you can just keep getting it from whoever you're getting it from" we joke like that honestly. and she said "do you really think that?" about 2 minutes later.... and i said "yea....yep.... i do. yea" again, trying to come off funny - she called me an ******* and walked away. yet she seemed over it quick, so idk maybe she was just joking around too?? im so fvcked up by all this i can barely tell when she's serious anymore!! 

i need a another drink....


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

The booze is not your friend. Keep your head clear.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

All the signs are there that she's cheating or at the very least, has someone in her sights. And you also have your strong gut feeling, which is usually correct.

Starting now, play dumb and gather evidence. No more comments about her "getting it from someone else." If she thinks you suspect something, she'll take it further underground, making it harder for you to get proof.

You've been reading this forum for awhile, so you know what to do. Even though money's tight, you have to get the VAR. You say you're afraid of what you might discover, but the limbo you're going through now is worse. 

If you find out there's an affair at least you can be proactive and take positive steps instead of having everything happen TO you.

From what you wrote, it looks like there's someone else in the picture. She doesn't seem to like you very much right now because she's emotionally invested in the other guy. 

So stop with all the anguish and clear your head and focus on uncovering evidence. Do it quietly.


----------



## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

3030150 said:


> apologies upfront for the long post. seems to be the norm here for OP's though.
> 
> ok. i really hate even doing this. this feels almost like a breech of trust on my end, but i really feel like i need an unbiased outside opinion. most of my friends are relation to my wife or married in. and to be honest, im not sure i trust it not getting back to her. i need to get to bed, but i've been putting this off for too long. i dont know if im crazy, over-reacting, paranoid, dillusional, or what.... i just can't seem to follow if my gut is telling me something. wife and i have been married 7 years this october. we have 2 children, B&G. my wife has been acting strange/off/diff for several months now. i started noticing that work was starting to stress her out (she really loves her job, its right up her alley, and she's great at it). she'd get snippy when i asked what time she'd be home. (i work 3rd, mostly wondering so that i would know when to have supper ready & what time to be home with the kids) then she sort of took a liking to a younger co-worker FRIEND (a girl - completely non sexual) which i encouraged. a local event came up (food tasting from local restaraunts) and i told her "let's go!" and the idea was basically blown off. when her work friends wanted to go - hey yeah sure! let's do it! i brought this up later, and my wife said she figured i'd be tired and didnt really think it would happen. i said that if felt like you blew me off, but when your work friends wanted to go you were all for it. she said it wasn't that.
> 
> ...


Man I feel for you. Reading your post made me feel all queasy inside. I heard and saw a lot of the same things as you. My DDay was 6 months ago. All I can tell you is to try to hold it together, I know how hard it is. Gather your evidence and talk to a lawyer on the DL. Get everything ready to confront and lay out what you know and then put the D papers on the table. You will get your answer very quickly.

Trust me, you have to hang in there. I have been exactly where you are and I wish I had TAM then. Just stay cool and gather evidence, the way she is working it shouldn't take you long to get everything you need. Only a firm stance for D will take her out of the fog.


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

dadof2 said:


> Only a firm stance for D will take her out of the fog.


Yes and no. What Divorce papers will do is accelerate the process. The wayward will be like " sh1t's just gotten real!" and stop or they will say screw it and proceed accordingly. It is a gamble and may not have an immediate response, but it will have one of a more hastened nature. This will also spare you the trickle truthing, rugsweeping and constant paranoia. It puts you on the offensive, and if you do it first and by surprise you then have the advantage. 

Dadof2 was served a restraining order, My wife was telling everybody that I was paranoid, after I exposed her thankfully, Some woman have caught their husbands in the act and they refuse to admit it with a few even going as far as claiming they were seeing things. 

You seem to have the hardest part of this process down, acceptance. And yes, dump the booze. The first thing I did was dump the suds in the sink knowing full well that my emotional state was not under the level of control it should have been already, an inebriated state will only make it worse and who knows what you could be duped into.

People will also tell you to take up hobbies or other activities and while they are right that it is good for your....for us, it just ain't going to materialize the way you want it to and the activity will just not be any fun. Except for the Gym, great place to take out aggression. 

Take the battle to her, no war is ever won while being passive, call it a counter offensive. And take note, if she's never seen you stand up for yourself before and you have the highly contagious nice guy virus she'll be in for the rudest awakening of 2014.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Your wife sounds like she has checked out completely from you. Your post might as well have been written by me a year ago. Once that happens, if it hasn't already, she will cheat on you because women in particular can only go so long person before they NEED to feel an emotional connection to someone. If she has morals, she will respect you enough to divorce you first but don't count on it. 

Bottom line is she has clearly severed her feelings towards you and at best is on the prowl for sex. Don't count on that though because odds are pretty high she's already found someone to cheat on you with and has already. That seems to always happen FIRST (despite what cheaters claim) before the detachment from the spouse begins. 

Say NOTHING to her. Don't alert her. You need to go James Bond on her and do whatever you can to find out the truth (ie VAR, keylogger, etc.) Oh and decide NOW whether you will take a cheating wife back. Because once you find out for certain, all the emotions will cloud your judgment and you may make a bad decision you regret later.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I dunno... A lot of mini yellow flags, but nothing that singularly jumps out at me. Taken together though I can see cause for concern.

That said something seems off. YOU are the best person who can tell if something is up. And if something feels off, it usually is. Keep monitoring, as said above mention nothing again and play dumb happy husband.

Discussing a plastic surgeon- is this due to a condition, or is she looking for some kind of cosmetic surgery? I don't think its that unusual that he picked up if it's a business line. Could be forwarded to his cell on weekends for emergency. I don't know.

You could hire a PI to follow her around Vegas. That will be expensive though.

The sex 1-2 a month. Do you initiate often and she rejects you, vice versa or nobody bothers? (The minute man could be due to the lack of frequency. If I go a while without sex, it happens. Not my usual 3 minutes.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Reading what I see, it's not a breach of trust. Something is going on and it's time to get some gadgets and let her hang herself. There are a lot of similarities to the beginning of my issues with my WW as well. My guess is she's tickled to get to go bang the OM in Vegas for 1-1/2 weeks.


----------



## How am I Going to Surviv (Sep 12, 2013)

Another option is to just step up your game. 

Tell her you've been thinking about it and YOU have decided to go to Vegas with her. YOU'VE decided that it would be fun to get away for a while. Just mention that since she'll have a room already, all you need to supply is airfare and food. Plan some shows to go see and restaurants to hit while you're there. Start planning it as if YOU'RE in charge. 

When you announce your intentions, don't back down. She'll either rediscover her respect for you or dial up a sh*tstorm. You'll learn a lot either way. 

You can deflect any of her objections to your going by not addressing them directly (or at all): She complains; don't even acknowledge that you've heard her. Instead, you tell her how much you're looking forward to it and log onto Travelocity or whatever and start coordinating your flight. She dials up the objections; talk about the great restaurant you want to try with her. She dials up the complaints more; completely ignore the topic. Talk about the Bellagio fountains. Ask her if she wants to do "A" or "B"; On Monday, or on Tuesday. That will break her train of thought of dreaming up her next objection. Instead, she'll have to visualize doing "A" or "B' with you and may come to the realization that you going is what's going to happen. (This will take some work on your part. You'll need a thorough plan with more moving parts than she has smoke to try to blow up you *ss)

If nothing is going on with her, she'll admire your leadership. If she's in deep, the shock of you firmly taking control may well cause her to blow her cover within the next couple of days.


----------



## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

You should fly to vegas and surprise her. Say it is a anniversary surprise. Then you may be able to either catch her off guard IF she is cheating or if she isnt cheating, she would be happy that you made the effort.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It'll likely get worse before it gets better. Keep your wits about you and remember we are here for you.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Read your whole post. Lots of concerning stuff there. Your wife has distanced herself emotionally.

She doesn't want you to come along on the work trip. The strange number your son dialled then she attempts to delete it.

the lack of sex. Her curiosity on whether you suspect an affair.

Your not crazy, where theres smoke theres fire. Definately invest in the VAR. Money well spent. I'm talking from experience. It would seem to me you are afraid of her to a degree.

Keep silent, and go into evidence gathering mode. Buy a Var, and possibly show up unannounced in Vegas. Do not let her on or call her to inform her if you do go to Vegas.

Chances are with some proper evidence gathering you will unearth something.

My bets on either a work affair or the so called plastic surgeon.


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Can you hire a PI to follow her in Vegas?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Look, she's treating you like a child, and busting you left and right. This doesn't work. Women hate men that aren't confident, that's a given.

Get some control of your marriage. If you have questions, you deserve answers, not lectures. Obviously, she gets whatever she wants, and you get whatever she wants you to have. The situation is broken.

Don't tolerate this kind of abuse. Its effing demeaning, and she needs to hear that.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can you throw all her crap out when she goes to Vegas?


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

3030150 said:


> thanks for actually reading all that, lol. in all seriousness though - i joined a month ago and have been doing exactly that. ive read the gathering evidence thread about 3 times. it makes me feel weird but. i know that if she is up to soemthing that its in my families best interest to spearhead this. *i already found a VAR but dont know about spending the money because we really are tight right now.* and to be honest - im scared sh!tless of what i may find. im sure she'd notice that money being spent ya know? what worries me is that business conference trip coming up. my heart and my head are at odds. at dinner last week i asked about it, bc i really do want to know. i want her to have fun and she does seem excited. but she could barely look me in the eye talking about it. is my parnoia ruining it for her? or am i onto something? anyways, she stopped at one point and said "youre mad aren't you?"
> 
> i forgot to add, last night i said to her "lets go to the bedroom" and she was sort've caugt off-guard bc the kids were in the kitchen. she said she wasn't really expecting that. i said okay "fine" in ajoking way. then again in jest.... "i guess you can just keep getting it from whoever you're getting it from" we joke like that honestly. and she said "do you really think that?" about 2 minutes later.... and i said "yea....yep.... i do. yea" again, trying to come off funny - she called me an ******* and walked away. yet she seemed over it quick, so idk maybe she was just joking around too?? im so fvcked up by all this i can barely tell when she's serious anymore!!
> 
> i need a another drink....


I think we need to scale back on the fly to vegas or hire pi suggestions and try to work within the op's means. Maybe it's time for some of you guys who no longer need all the vars you bought to loan one or two out.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well you better spend it on the VAR before she spends it on the slots or blackjack.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Nucking Futs said:


> I think we need to scale back on the fly to vegas or hire pi suggestions and try to work within the op's means. Maybe it's time for some of you guys who no longer need all the vars you bought to loan one or two out.


Now that's a great idea....a TAM swap meet for all old old spy gear!

Well...for some folks it might not be that old....

Threadjack over.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

actually do NOT tell her you are going to vegas---In fact drop vegas altogether----make sure she gives you an itinerary of where she is staying, and when and where her meetings will be----so you know where she will be----

You go to Vegas on your own----do your own PI work, and find out what is really going on

At no time let her know you are there------just watch her for the whole time she is in Vegas, for you don't really know what she might do, and when she might do it---get as much video, and as many pics as you can------when you get home, if there is anything to confront her about---you do it then.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

A really good var at walmart or best buy, for example, is about $50 dollars. Get the sony model.

That's a lot cheaper than a divorce or what you're putting yourself through.

Velcro it under the drivers seat of her car or under the dash. Just be certain it doesn't slide out. Cheaters love to talk in the car.

What does her call/text log say on her phone bill? Have you checked out how often and who she texts/calls? Many times the number of a man is listed under a womans name.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Your wife has checked out and not into you. 

If she is not cheating now, she is looking to cheat. 

Any of the above advice should work. 

180 too.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Here is my gut and keep in mind that it's only what I know from your posts. First a question, is a PA a deal breaker for you? If your wife has been leaning that direction then this trip could be the consummate meeting. No distractions, no chance of you walking in, no kids, very little chance of her getting caught, just pure freedom to explore her new infatuation.

If you were going to fly there to be with her could you spend the money you would have spent on airline tickets and food to hire a local PI for a couple of days to see if there is anything to your suspicions?

I just have this nagging feeling that this is her opportunity and if a PA is your deal breaker then it will be over. You know much better than we the actual situation and the "sense" you get will be stronger than ours.

If it were me, I would fly out and surprise her if it's financially feasible. After all you mentioned an anniversary coming up so how could she be mad at you for doing something so romantic, unless it busts up her plans?

If it's not practical then you will have to rely on what she tells you happened but remember the slogan, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

Is anyone going with her on this trip like a co-worker? If you know them or are close enough to them maybe they would keep an eye out for you without informing her, I know that's a longshot.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

3030 are you Ok man?


----------



## 3030150 (Sep 12, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Umm so you think you're wife is banging someone else? You ask for sex, she says no and you come up with the "you're getting it from somewhere else line"?

Think about it. If a woman thinks her husband suspects something, she's already relegated his sex, he asks for sex and all he can come up with is that line and she walks away? Oh you're banging someone else, I'm just going to go away and sulk..

180, stop asking for sex and start doing some investigating, I'd also state, a VAR is much cheaper than the cost of living a lie then ending up in divorce anyway.. just saying


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Money is tight, VARS are $50-60 a drop in the bucket compared to airfare to Vegas. If the money was there for the plane ticket the means for a VAR is there.

Here's the problem with trailing her to Vegas without her knowing. He's got a young child at home. So he has to find someone willing to babysit for several nights, and hope that Wife doesn't call him at home and ask how the kid is, or to speak to the kid, which we know won't work.

The better plan is to tell her you are going to Vegas or hire a PI, which as I said before will be expensive. Figure $300 a night.
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3030150 (Sep 12, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3030150 (Sep 12, 2014)

0 free time everyone. Sorry. I'm still here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3030150 (Sep 12, 2014)

ok. first off, thank you for all of your replies and your times. i realize i wasn't short with my initial post. 

i've since spoken with a co-worker of mine, and i do honestly trust her. she's been through a D when her husband cheated. she opened my eyes to many great points. let alone points of view froma womans standpoint that i hadn't throught of. such as just out of whack hormones after the kids. some other things i'd like to clear up. 

1. the vegas trip my wife is going on is a business trip sponsored by her job. i think some may have thought it was like a gf's trip or something. she has assured me it is morning til evening seminars. even offered a list of evennts she's attending. although i do believe her, i WILL be asking for a copy. 

2. i CANNOT follow her to vegas for a week and her not know about it. with me working 3rd, im already having my parents watch the kids during the day, and her parent swatching the kids at night. no way no how could i sneak there w/o her knowing. someone brought up the point of her calling and wanting to speak with the kids. how would i handle that? "ummm.... i can't let you talk to the kids... why not?.... well.... i have to poop, call back at your parents number! click" 

3. the PI - money is tight. we jUST bought a house. i know it would be cheaper than a divorce, but i really dont want to jump the gun here. my wife is a financial analasyst. if she'll notice $60 she'll notice the $XXX a day to pay a PI. the VAR is a possibilty. i figure if i can somehow sneak it along in her bag? but i think the chances of her finding it are high. 

4. the plastic surgeon # was indeed to the OFFICE. it wasn't a personal line, unless his cell gets forwarded to the place of business. in which case it would be forwarded back to his phone if someone needed him. a point my co-worker made was "why would he call from the business phone on a sunnday?"

my thoughts are this: i think judging by her recent behaivior, it could be that something has either happened and is done, or nothing has happened at all/yet. im hoping that nothing has ever happened and never will. id rate my happiness 0-10 at an 8 currently. id love to say 10 but, im a realist. things are stressful at times, and honestly i know we would BOTH like more free time. last weekend we got a sitter for a wedding - 3 hours -and we were freaking STOKED!! giddy even. we laughed half the way there, lol. if i do go the VAR route, any ideas on how i could send it along unknown to her? my plan was hide it in her bag. but tape a note to it (also hidden) that way if she DID find it,, the note would say "heres a present: jjust incase you missed anything in those seminars" or "heres something for you to prove to your boss you went... and since you recorded it you can catch a nap instead of listen" or soemthing. idk. sometimes i jut want to set her down and say is everything ok? you've seemed different lately. but i know a lot of you would say nO! she'll go underground. im really at odds with all this. my head says probably not, my heart says dont lose her and my gut says....yes she is.... no she isn't.... yes she is... no she isnt

also, at the end of our fight a couple weeks ago about me going with her, the fight ended with "okay, if you can find airfaire and hotel then thats fine. but i dont know what you're going to do with the kids." althought shde didnt sound happy about me going (we fought for like 20 minutes) she did say "ok - if you an find airfaire for under 1500 ill be surprised. i just really dont think we'll be able to afford that much money when we just bought a house." (i found airfaire and hotel on priceline for about 650 btw) also, she is getting her trip paid for - well, after the fact. she actually had to front the money but will be refunded by work when she gets back.

ok, child 1 is in the tub. child 2 is waking up from nap. i gg. i hope none of this offended, not trying ot be a d!ck. also, i am 90% "nice guy" with the occaisional assertive moment. my argument about vegas was totally assertive and she ended up appologizing to me (rarely happens  ) and said she understood why i was upset. ok, really gg


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Bull, why can't you bunk with her, if you've done it before on her trips?
Guts over brain and heart any day.

Hope we are wrong, but I take guts any day.


----------



## 3030150 (Sep 12, 2014)

OldWolf57 said:


> Bull, why can't you bunk with her, if you've done it before on her trips?
> Guts over brain and heart any day.
> 
> Hope we are wrong, but I take guts any day.


sorry, i was referring to pricing for going after her trip and staying a few extra days with her there. no i'd DEFFINATELY bunk with her. i just figured it would be more fun staying afterwards. as in, we'd get to enjoy each others company better.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Ok, got your point.
But she STILL don't sound happy you would be going !!!
And all her actions say the affair is still on.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Ok, call the doctors office from a different phone. Use another name. Talk to the receptionist - Ask for an evaluation appointment during the dates of your W trip. See if he is available during those dates. Tell them you'll get back to him. 

If he's out during that period, ask jokingly where's he's going... Vegas?

This is chess, not checkers...


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife treating you like worse than dog sh!t is the issue here. Infidelity may or maynot be involved.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

All I can say buddy is always trust your gut if you're able to separate fear from instinct... 

And gather whatever evidence you can.

Something's not right here. Things just don't add up. For example why you don't have the money for a VAR but your wife is looking into plastic surgery.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You can get a pen var from brickhouse security for around eighty dollars. It works as a real pen too. Putting a regular var in her purse will be trouble.


----------

