# Wife is changing and I don't know how to respond, need help!



## tw456 (Jan 21, 2015)

This might sound pathetic to some people but it has become a big deal with me and I don't know why. My wife has been chaning for the past few months and I have no idea how to deal with it. I'm not use to it at all because we have been married for 3 years and she never started to change at all until recently. 
Orginally she use to just want to stay at home and do nothing. She never had friends growing up, never went to a party, or anything of that nature. Now she has shown interest in going to a party and wanting to go out alot more suddenly. 
One of our morals were that we both decided we would never drink and her 21st birthday is coming up and she has made a new friend (which is weird for me, since I have only known her with NO friends) and they talk all the time and now her friends wants her to drink with her on her 21st birthday and suddenly my wife has changed from never drinking to wanting to try it which goes against our morals that we both have. 
She said its because she had never been around it much growing up so she had a bad idea of it but my family drinks at gatherings (even though I do not) and she said that that was what got her use to drinking and wanting to try it. 
Is it wrong for me to feel kind of betrayed by her completely going back and something we both agreeed on or should I accept it because its her choice and she can do what she wants.
I'm just having a hard time with all of this change because I never thought that she would change as much as she has.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Uh oh. You married a teenager, someone who hadn't grown up yet and now she's changing. What did you expect?

Let's hope that drinking is the only thing she feels like trying out.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

tw456 said:


> One of our morals were that we both decided we would never drink and her 21st birthday is coming up and she has made a new friend (which is weird for me, since I have only known her with NO friends) and they talk all the time and now her friends wants her to drink with her on her 21st birthday and suddenly my wife has changed from never drinking to wanting to try it which goes against our morals that we both have.
> 
> Is it wrong for me to feel kind of betrayed by her completely going back and something we both agreeed on or should I accept it because its her choice and she can do what she wants.
> I'm just having a hard time with all of this change because I never thought that she would change as much as she has.


Personally I've never considered the choice to drink or not as a moral choice. However I understand that it has been a tenet of your lives together so far.

I'm guessing you are a similar age to your wife in which case you BOTH have a lot of growing and changing to do. This will be a considerable challenge to you both if you expected no change in each other as 18 year olds for the rest of your lives. 

If you love your wife and want it to last for the long haul you have a BIG job ahead of you. You can grow together or grow apart, you need to navigate the road together, you'll both change all over the place, so patience, acceptance and love through the changes is what you'll need.

Good luck


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds to me like your wife is young and curious and just wants to explore life. She talked to you about what she feels and why which is good. I personally feel that allowing her to explore this new experience will be good for her. Having friends will be good for her too. If she over does the alcohol she will pay the price without you give her any reminders. We all have to learn our lessons in life.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

She was hasty in her decision not to drink or at least try it for nothing but curiosity. She will be 21. The right of passage is being able to have a drink. It is normal for friends to take those that are turning 21 out to a bar. Yes, let her go. Are you attending as well? I would hope you would celebrate your W birthday together. If not...well...

I don't think drinking is a moral issue. Some see it as a moral issue.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

You are both VERY young.
You havent even finished your core yet.

She is going to change and grow. Your job is to support her as she should support her. Remember if she is social, less pressure will be put on you to keep her happy, even though its not your job anyway.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

I'm assuming her friend is female, correct?

If so, take them both out on her birthday and let her get smashed. You be the designated driver and c0ckblock all the guys that would be hitting on her. 

If the friend is male, get him out of your marriage right now or go ahead and and prepare for the inevitable cheating and divorce that's coming your way.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

By the way youngster it is ok for your wife to have friends. I do not believe she should be going with them (without you) on her initial drinking extravaganza. 

I am not sure how good a friend she is though. "You have never had a drink"? "You have to try it".

Actually no you do not. There is nothing wrong with not drinking.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What's immoral about having a few drinks?

The two of you married far too young, and it's very unrealistic to expect that you will both stay the same forever.

You can't "allow" or "forbid" your wife to do anything. What you can be, is her safe place in the world, where she knows she can fall and you will catch her. That's what a husband does. Note - this does NOT include indulging behaviours that are damaging to the marriage such as hanging out in bars with opposite sex friends or sleeping with other people.

Support her wish to have a few drinks on her birthday, there's nothing wrong with - just go along and be there to keep her safe. She'll love you all the more for it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You indicated that drinking goes against your moral values. Am I to assume that you have a religious edict against drinking? In any event, if your wife was of the same moral convictions as you and it was a basis for your marriage then I too would be concerned about her sudden change of heart. Your age has been brought up as a factor but if one is considered old enough to take a life long vow at 18 then they should also be considered grounded enough to know and adhere to whatever values they adopt as important. If your wife continues to change it will eventually become necessary for you to determine whether or not your moral values are compatible and the marriage can be sustained. I regret that you find yourself in this situation as I am familiar with the angst brought on by one presenting to be one way and then displaying contrasting characteristics.

This world places an inexplicable importance on the consumption of drugs and alcohol even in light of their damaging effects, not only to one's health but to the fabric of society itself. It is puzzling to say the least. Your wife's new found friend may be no friend at all and may actually be her downfall. Your wife is desirous of chasing her "fun times", as are a large portion of Earth's inhabitants even to their ultimate peril. It is fascinating.

Perhaps you and she need to sit down and have a conversation wherein you explain that your marriage was based on certain fundamental values and that if she is changing hers then the marriage will need to be reevaluated. Couples can grow together if both have the desire to change but when only one individual wants change then there is strife and the two grow further apart. Communicate with her and see where she sees this going and then decide if you can live with the destination. Good luck.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

It's not the booze you need to worry about. It's the men at the meat markets she's going to start hanging out with when she's out partying with her new friend.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Wow, you are both so young! 

This is probably not going to be the last thing you disagree on. i think you need to sit down and talk NOW (perhaps with a therapist) about how you're going to approach differences in opinions, because it is only just beginning.

This is not about drinking alcohol. It's about expectations, and i'm sure alcohol is not the only one.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

It's not pathetic at all. You guys are just really young and as Deep Down said you are both going to change a lot. Your brain doesn't even fully develop until age 25. So you are both going to have to accept that over the next few years you will be changing. The best possible outcome is that you will be able to change together and come out stronger in the long run. Was the decision not to drink a religious decision? I would be really happy for her that she is making friends. It is not good for her to have no friends. She needs a support system outside of you. Do you good friends as well? As someone suggested you might want to go out with them. You don't have to drink with them but you can fun anyway.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Generally speaking, would you consider this friend a positive influence on your wife, or a negative one? Can you think of ways to encourage your wife to cultivate friends that are a positive influence?

C


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

Not enough information. My wife met a new friend and it turned out bad. Most of the time it is good.

The biggest problem I see is she is EXTREMELY inexperienced and going to get drunk at a bar. She has zero idea what a player is. Hell, mine should have known and fell for their crap.

Can you go with her? You are part of her life as her husband. Let her have a good time while you keep the players at bay.

Good questions above. Against morals?= what exactly. Drinking can be good or very bad.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

You're young. You're going to change. Your wife is going to change. Change together or change apart. Pick one. Go out on her birthday and if necessary hold her hair back over the toilet.

Don't fear that your wife won't be the same person that you married in 10 years. That's absolutely 100% guaranteed. Chances are she'll be better than she is now - more confident, more self-aware, more mature. This is a good thing, not something to be afraid of. 

There's a reason 18 year olds aren't attractive as mates to older people. She won't be attractive to you at 30 either if she doesn't grow and change along the way.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. to sit down and have a drink or two isn't the end of the world. It's another thing to come home out of your mind drunk at four in the morning sick as a dog. 

Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill yet. All that will do is make a nothing into a big problem.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> If the friend is male, get him out of your marriage right now or go ahead and and prepare for the inevitable cheating and divorce that's coming your way.


What? Because there is no other possible outcome? 

I agree that husband should go along for many reasons. Primarily because it's his wife's 21st birthday and he should be there with her. If she's drinking for the first time she might not take it well and need him there or if she does overdo it then she need's a trustworthy drive home.

To say that if her birthday is arranged by a male friend that the cheating and divorce is inevitable is crazy but it seems to be the way on TAM.

Go with her and have a good time. You both got married very young and, it appears, with very little life experience. You should be with her to try new things together and not as a morality police officer preventing her from doing so.

Hope you both have fun.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

frankman said:


> Not enough information. My wife met a new friend and it turned out bad. Most of the time it is good.
> 
> The biggest problem I see is she is EXTREMELY inexperienced and going to get drunk at a bar. She has zero idea what a player is. Hell, mine should have known and fell for their crap.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> *What? Because there is no other possible outcome? *
> 
> I agree that husband should go along for many reasons. Primarily because it's his wife's 21st birthday and he should be there with her. If she's drinking for the first time she might not take it well and need him there or if she does overdo it then she need's a trustworthy drive home.
> 
> ...


No, because a young man who makes a friend of a 20 year old woman, but not her husband, and wants to take her out to get her drunk on her birthday is after one thing. And a 20 year old woman who is willing to go along with it either doesn't understand what she's getting into or is ok with it. Couple that with her having no experience with the way alcohol lowers inhibitions and you've got a recipe for a drunken one night stand and many, many tears.

Note that OP has not answered the question about whether the friend is male or female so this could all be moot.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> No, because a young man who makes a friend of a 20 year old woman, but not her husband, and wants to take her out to get her drunk on her birthday is after one thing. And a 20 year old woman who is willing to go along with it either doesn't understand what she's getting into or is ok with it. Couple that with her having no experience with the way alcohol lowers inhibitions and you've got a recipe for a drunken one night stand and many, many tears.
> 
> Note that OP has not answered the question about whether the friend is male or female so this could all be moot.


The original post says "new friend" then "friends", I read it as the plural and assumed that it was a group of friends taking her out.

I'd think it odd if she went out with any friend, or friends, and husband wasn't invited for a 21st birthday.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If your wife wants to celebrate her right of passage into the glorious realm of alcoholic bliss then why don't you offer to buy a bottle and you and her spend a romantic evening at home and she can get smashed and pass out. Doesn't that sound like fun.

I fear however that she wants more than just the experience of being intoxicated at home which includes the smoke, the players, the hookups and the ability to make an idiot out of herself in public. All very fun and exciting activities.

How many times here do we read about GNO and the wonderful effects it has on the marriages written about herein? If I were you I would try to convince her that what may appear to be wild fun is in fact not so much and that spending an evening with her H would be preferable to spending it with a bar full of strangers, some of which would see her as easy prey.

I believe that getting married young can have some significant advantages but there are also pitfalls. I agree that the two of you are going to grow together but not if you're growing in different directions which is why I believe you are concerned that she is becoming someone different than the girl you married. On the bright side, it's better you find out now if she wants to be a "party girl" than after kids are involved at which point you become a live in babysitter for her escapades as many posters on here have discovered.

Bars and partying are for people looking to hookup, drown their sorrows or put themselves out there. I do not feel bars are the place for married people to frequent without their spouse and really not even then but that's my unpopular opinion. My advice is to reign it in if you can. Good luck.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

His wife being "young and changing" is not an excuse for her behavior. Last time I checked, she was married to a man who shares her same beliefs in regards to certain ideals. People change all the time whether they are 21, 30, 40, 50, etc. My fathers best friend's wife wanted to try new things at 62 and now he is divorced. However, because her brain is done 'growing' and she's 'old' she is somehow more responsible for her actions than a married 21 year old? Wrong.

This guys wife is most certainly going to fall right smack into the middle of the late bloomer group. A minority of people will drink alcohol for the first time at 21 and be grossed out afterwards, but a majority of 21 year olds will fall in love with the idea of drinking and being 'alive'. 

For her to go from having morals to meeting a friend to now wanting to break her morals to go out drinking with her friend for her birthday just screams that she is easily persuaded. It's a lose lose situation for OP which translates as this situation being outright disrespectful to him. If he doesn't let her go, he is controlling. If he lets her go and goes also, he risks her actually enjoying this new style of life and wanting it more frequently. She will meet more girls who are single and start to realize that she got married to early. 

OP, unfortunately, you have to let her go out. She will hold it against you forever if you stop her. Just keep your eyes open and make sure you respect yourself should the time of standing up for yourself present itself. If she becomes the woman you did not marry, chalk this up as a learning lesson. I've always said that marrying women who partied hard till they were 21 was always the route to go. They are usually burnt out by then. 

Good luck


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

wise said:


> This guys wife is most certainly going to fall right smack into the middle of the late bloomer group. A minority of people will drink alcohol for the first time at 21 and be grossed out afterwards, but a majority of 21 year olds will fall in love with the idea of drinking and being 'alive'.


Really? REALLY? How many 21 year olds do you know? I have a 22 year old daughter and a 23 year old son, and that description doesn't sound like too many of their friends, much less the majority.

I call b.s.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your not wrong for feeling betrayed....cuz you have been betrayed. She wants to drink ...she 's going to drink!

As far as accepting her changes, you don't have to and you have a choice to let her go and part ways and find another "women" that is like minded,or you can try to be her dad.

The funny thing about parenting is the more you try to stop your kids from doing stupid shyt the more they want to do stupid shyt.


So my friend, your bride is turning to the dark side and you can part ways now and let her go now or you can go thought a long a painful death of a unhealthy marriage.

You both have some choices to make and pretty sure your wife will label you controlling and make the choice to party instead of staying married.

In short you are screwed.....deal with it now and part ways or waste a few years and then deal with it and part ways.


Your could knock her up...that will keep her off the booze for 9 month but it will be just a matter of time you become a live in babysitter while your wife restart the party life.
.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Really? REALLY? How many 21 year olds do you know? I have a 22 year old daughter and a 23 year old son, and that description doesn't sound like too many of their friends, much less the majority.
> 
> I call b.s.


I am 25 and I know this from experience. The OP said the girl had a bad idea of drinking because she wasn't around it much in her earlier life. And now being around his family, whom drinks, she has been wondering about it. She will more than likely enjoy her night out rather than not. Therefore, the OP loses. He doesn't let her go and becomes controlling. Or he lets her go and goes with; however, take a high risk that she will enjoy her night out and want it more frequently. 

And yes, a majority of young adults will go out to party for the first time and think "where have I been hiding my whole life"; however, there will be the minority who won't care for it at all afterwards. I don't know that many people my age who could careless for having fun outside of their home at night. 

And at being 25, I have seen a ton of girls and guys get married around 19/20 and I would say a majority of them are now divorced. After being on facebook for years, a lot of these people's pictures go from "Night in watching netflix with hubby" to several years down the road "getting crazy with the girls." 

If you could find me any study done that shows that a majority of adults age 19-25 rather be doing something else than going out, please proceed with it. I'm in law school and a majority of my class is still getting trashed over the weekends. Most of them started school in LTR and are now single.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

The best data is probably here:

NIAAA Publications

"Research consistently shows that people tend to drink the heaviest in their late teens and early to mid-twenties (1,2). Young adults are especially likely to binge drink and to drink heavily1 (3). (1 In this study, binge drinking was defined as consuming five or more drinks in a row at least once in the past month. Drinking heavily was defined as consuming five or more drinks in a row on at least five occasions in the past month [3].) According to NESARC data, about 46 percent of young adults (12.4 million) engaged in drinking that exceeded the recommended daily limits2 at least once in the past year, and 14.5 percent (3.9 million) had an average consumption that exceeded the recommended weekly limits.3 (2 The recommended daily limits for moderate alcohol consumption are no more than two drinks for men or one drink for women per day [4].) (3 According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism [NIAAA], men may be at risk for alcohol-related problems if their alcohol consumption exceeds 14 standard drinks per week or 4 drinks per day, and women may be at risk if they have more than 7 standard drinks per week or 3 drinks per day. A standard drink is defined as one 12-ounce bottle of beer, one 5-ounce glass of wine, or 1.5 ounces of distilled spirits.)"

Less than half of all young adults have exceeded the daily limits once in the past year, but that's not a very interesting statistic. 1 in 7 young adults is considered a heavy drinker, which is much more problematic.

Neither of these numbers constitute anything close to a majority.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

tw456 said:


> This might sound pathetic to some people but it has become a big deal with me and I don't know why. My wife has been chaning for the past few months and I have no idea how to deal with it. I'm not use to it at all because we have been married for 3 years and she never started to change at all until recently.
> Orginally she use to just want to stay at home and do nothing. She never had friends growing up, never went to a party, or anything of that nature. Now she has shown interest in going to a party and wanting to go out alot more suddenly.
> One of our morals were that we both decided we would never drink and her 21st birthday is coming up and she has made a new friend (which is weird for me, since I have only known her with NO friends) and they talk all the time and now her friends wants her to drink with her on her 21st birthday and suddenly my wife has changed from never drinking to wanting to try it which goes against our morals that we both have.
> She said its because she had never been around it much growing up so she had a bad idea of it but my family drinks at gatherings (even though I do not) and she said that that was what got her use to drinking and wanting to try it.
> ...


I think enough people have responded to the idea of going out drinking with another person that I'll leave that one alone.

There are a few other issues here. If you've only ever known her with no friends, and she has never been to a party, then that is really quite sad. She should have friends. They are important in most peoples lives, and making them, within reason, is a good thing not a bad one.

She's coming up to her 21st and you've been married for 3 years then she was not even 18 when you guys married unless you're rounding up then she was barely 18. Either way that is so young to be getting married. 

Did either of you date other people before you got together or was this a first for you both?

You mentioned 'her' morals being the same as yours. If she was at home in a strict household (my assumption based on complete lack of social life) and then went from parents house to yours I doubt that she's ever had a chance to determine her own morals and values, they've been given to her up to now.

So you get to decide whether to be a positive influence on her and support her as she grows up and decides who she is as a person or you get to continue the "father" role and keep her constrained it's up to you. I fear that if you choose the latter you may be heading for disaster.

You don't have to let her go alone though, you are a couple and should want to be there for each other.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

I do not understand where you are trying to go with this. 

On one hand, I am talking about a majority of young adults go out/drink/whatever for the first time and enjoy it than the minority who could careless for any of it afterwards. Further, I claimed that a majority of young adults rather be out doing something at night than in. (and this includes people who 'subjectively want to go out but are to shy too or because they have kids/broke/etc").

Whereas you are trying to bring up the idea of young adults who consume more than a certain number of drinks per year and what not. 

1 out of 7 young adults are considered a heavy drinker is exactly what I am not talking about. I as well as many of my friends are part of the 6 who are not. However, there are to many flaws to this study. Just to name a few: Some people get drunk easily via a lot of women almost never have more than 4 drinks. My girl will have two strong drinks and be done. Some people have a couple drinks but get the full high because they smoke pot, take xanax, coke, adderell, ex, etc. 

To counter: If you look at statista.com = according to an IBISworld industry report in 2012, the bar/night club industry produced a revenue of 23.4 billion, where 24.3 million people bought beer in the last 30 days and 6.9 million bought wine. I am pretty sure young adults make up for most of those figures. 

However, that is not the issue. The issue is 'late bloomers.' People who subjectively want to do something, then finally do it. More likely than not, they are going to enjoy it and then as a late bloomer, they will make up for lost time.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

As noted earlier, I didn't say that. OP almost HAS to let her go out. If he doesn't, he is considered controlling and keeping her from doing things she may enjoy. And if he does allow her to go and/or not goes also, he risks that she might enjoy the upbeat lifestyle and want it more frequently. He loses either way. The perfect case scenario is she goes out and completely hates it, which I highly doubt will happen. 

And in my opinion, by his initial post, he seems like the guy that will unsympathetically let her go out. At this point, he really has no choice if she wants to her spend her 21st out. She goes from not having any friends to having a friend that wants her to have the night of her life for her 21st and she's on board without question and without any consideration of what their marriage is based on. I already know the road this is going down. I've seen it too many times.


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