# rant, seems a lot of people give up fast.



## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I know my marriage is over but it seems like a lot of the time people post one time and several of "you" post it is over and to move on. I read this over and over. Maybe because of the section of this forum I am in? I just wish I would read more of the "you can make it right again" type stories.

To death doesn't seem to matter and maybe I'm feeling down on things because my wife thru in the towel. I still would fight tooth and nail if I thought it would do any good at all.

I have posted a couple times today, I guess I am just feeling pity on myself.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, it all depends. Some of us are older and have seen a lot, and the signs are pretty clear. You're right, we're probably too quick to just say MOVE OUT, but what's the option? Go through this for another four years and then move out?

It's a public forum, everyone has their own perspective which was formed by their own experiences. That's just the nature of the beast.

Your story has been particularly sad for me, and I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I'm glad you are here.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

I want the kids! said:


> I just wish I would read more of the "you can make it right again" type stories.
> 
> To death doesn't seem to matter and maybe I'm feeling down on things because my wife thru in the towel. I still would fight tooth and nail if I thought it would do any good at all.
> 
> I have posted a couple times today, I guess I am just feeling pity on myself.


I think the trouble is that by the time people show up on the "Going through divorce/sep" forum here, its usually gone past the point of no return. And once you are there, you can do all the fighting in the world....but unless the walking spouse does some fighting to save it as well, all that usually happens is you hurt yourself more and more. Most people on here have been there and done that, and are only trying to save others from the same angst - although really, there are no shortcuts with these things.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Yup, I agree, at least where the STBXH is concerned. He gave up on us, our marriage real quicklike. Like a boxing match where the one manager throws in the towel before the bell is even rung. I tried for a very long time to throw the towel back out of the ring, but with no success.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Those who find their way here are often the ones wanting to grow and work on their marriage. Their exes do not. When they come here it is often too late because their exes have reached the point of no return. Not always, of course, but no matter what it is usually the best for them emotionally to work through the feelings of grief no matter what.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I see where you are coming from OP, but at the same time a lot of the people who come and post here are left with very few options.

Me, for one came here way after the fact. It had already been a month or so since she left and there wasn't any options to change the situation I was in. There was no way to 'make her change her mind'.

Before I even signed up on here, she had already left me then asked to come back 4 days later .. I wish I had been posting here in those 4 days she was gone because the best possible thing I could have done at the time was to let her go.

From all the personal insight I have gained here, I can see exactly when I could have made change to effect the outcome. If I could go back now, I would not have let her come back .. I would have let her stew in the mess she made.

Instead, I caved in, let her come back and after 3 weeks it was even worse than before .. now she's taken several steps (thanks to me) into the future and hasn't looked back once.

I honestly believe one of the best things to do is to let them go when they want to go, begging, clawing and pleading just fuels there desire .. it did in my situation. I erupted on her like I never had before and she just smirked about it and left like I demanded.

Like you, I would still be willing to at least try to work things out .. to see if it was possible to claim happiness together with our new found views on life, but sadly that just won't happen.

I know my best bet in life is to move on .. deep down I know that, the things I need to do (like get an apartment, drop more weight) could possibly open her eyes up to me in the next few months .. but in the end if it doesn't do anything for our marriage then at least I have a leg up on my personal life.. right?


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

The other thing to mention is that sometimes, it is only when the dumped spouse starts *truly* not giving a toss either is when the walker all of a sudden starts to have misgivings of their own. But the massive conundrum then is - if the dumped spouse has done a 180 properly, they will have no interest in getting back together with the walkaway at that point.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MyselfAgain said:


> Those who find their way here are often the ones wanting to grow and work on their marriage. Their exes do not. When they come here it is often too late because their exes have reached the point of no return. Not always, of course, but no matter what it is usually the best for them emotionally to work through the feelings of grief no matter what.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was talking with an attractive younger lady the other night.

She was bereft, as her partner was upset and they'd had an inflammatory text exchange, complete with racial epithets and nastiness.

Of course, what you find is that she's the one who largely took responsibility for "keeping the peace". Another term for this is the "warmer" partner. The one who fixes, etc.

Her partner was the one throwing tantrums and inducing her to chase. You see this dynamic so often.

I would say over 90% of the posters in this particular forum are of that background.

So, I wouldn't say our motives are altogether altruistic.

Historically, we've seen ourselves as rescuers and those that take responsibility. Others have been happy to avoid that responsibility and push as much on us as we'll accept.

Gaining enough self worth to resist that sort of thing is largely the goal of what we're doing for ourselves here.

We can rationalize it as "love" and portray ourselves as victims. But, it won't help us.


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

I found this site while searching for 'how to cope with divorce' after my husband moved out in May. I have to be honest last year we went down this road where he wanted to separate. I was so shocked. I cried all the time. I lost 8 lbs in less than 3 weeks. I tried to talk to him, etc. He changed his mind and decided to stay. Now we are here again after 11 months and this time he moved out. I didn't put up a fight. If thats what he wants then there is nothing I can do to change his mind. I try to remember it takes two to tango and two to make a marriage work.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

I don't know... based on some recent posts I think far too many of us are/were victims of some level of abuse from our spouses. By time an abuse victim gets to the point of divorce...it's probably several years if not decades overdue. Once I got away from my abuser...I was all about healing myself and my kids(well as much as they can heal...since they still have to interact with him. I limit his access to me to kid related emails only)...the actual divorce process is secondary. Once the fear was gone from my day to day I realized that was the only feeling I held toward him for the last several years...why the heck would I work or fight to get that back? The is little chance of him ever even admitting that he has even been abusive...never mind do the work to stop being abusive...he's broken beyond repair...I'd have better luck gluing broken Corelle dinner plates back together.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I'm still standing for my marriage. Not everyone tells people to move on. Everyone's situation is different. I think those that say to give up and move on are ones that have already gone through this and theirs didn't work out. They are only trying to protect others from hard ache and pain.

My advice is to not jump too quick with your heart but use your brain to rationalize. Its been over 16 months for me and he has just started the process but I will not give up but what I will do is protect myself. I've learned to protect my heart and I'm learning to move forward for me. I will grow from this experience and what ever happens happens but until he chooses that its over, I will not give up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I never stopped fighting for my ex wife, I just changed what it was I was fighting for. 

Since the day my wife cheated and quit one month after I came home from the Navy, I fought with my own insecurities and I worked tirelessly to become the man I thought she wanted. I fought for her attention, I fought with the OM, I fought divorce, I fought everyone that told me I couldn't ever get her back.... You could say I tired out from all the fighting. Why? 

I was fighting to get the person back I missed, but here in front of me was everything I should be running from. I was in love with the lover she was, and missed my best friend in marriage, but she was not treating me like a friend. Everybody else who mistreats you badly enough you dump them... but if it's you're spouse or lover you're going to make every excuse to defend them. 

Every excuse that over steps your boundaries ends up enabling them to do it over, and over, and over, and hurting you until you either say "STOP" or try to get out of that situation. You let your spouse keep coming to you with their problems during a divorce and they will keep dragging you down and taking comfort while giving nothing in return. You really do teach people to behave a certain way around you. 

All fighting for "your side" of the marriage does is attach a great deal of emotions so an expected outcome. If you don't get what you want then what? Is the world going to end when a piece of paper says you can go dancing all night and come home to no one b!tching about it? No, it's just a stupid piece of paper..... but divorce does do some great things for both of you. 

Sometimes you can't fight to change your marriage even if you do everything right. Some people just feel confined to certain roles and can't figure out what to do for themselves. So it makes sense that divorce would seem like an easy out, an affair partner would seem like a fresh start and a recast for a better part. What can you do? 

Tell me what you would do if your wife was a bratty teenager and just dead set on leaving you to do something fantasy filled and magical.... idk maybe something stupid like being a singer or an actress. Well you could b!tch and cry and moan and force her to see things your way until she runs away, or you could smile and cheer on and let her learn her lesson herself. Let her be happy and get a chance to burn out on her vacation all on her own.

Some would say it's giving up and letting her go, but I don't believe that's possible if you still choose to think about her. You're just no longer fighting her anymore. You're not fighting her to get her back and you're no longer fighting her to find some reason to hate her for leaving you. I know it hurts but you're a grown @$$ an with more things to worry about. The only thing you should be fighting is your own ego during divorce. 

The ego that says she belongs to you and can't leave without your permission. She was never your property to begin with! That ego will screw you over because you're always looking for reasons to complain about licking the spoon when you want the whole cake. You've got every reason to be upset about divorce but there's only so much you can stress over until you decide banging your head against a brick wall and crying your eyes out only hurts you because you keep doing it. That's what everyone tells you up front, but let me take it one step further.

By using up all your spare time to cry over the memories you had with her and try to get the person she was back you're not making any progress yourself. So any steps you do to reconcile friendship will blow up in you're face. You've not only letting her down, because you lied all those times about promises to change, you're not doing anything for yourself to enjoy the space you now have. 

You have the rest of your life to worry about getting her back but only a few years to take advantage of this motivation to push yourself to become better. The two years after divorce are the most important to learn about yourself and let go of any issues you've had but never addressed. Those two years are when divorce hits both partners hardest and really sinks in that decision may or may not have been the best choice. And for you that time may be the last fleeting chance to rekindle the friendship you cherished the most. You may not be able to cuddle with her for a long while, but you have another opportunity to talk to her and listen to her without fighting anymore. And that was one of the greatest things divorce gave me. 

I still love my ex wife very much and would reconsider a relationship with her one day *if she deserved it*, but divorce is something she needs to mature. I see now that there are some who need to go through divorce to appreciate a good marriage. For every good divorced man out there, there are like 20+ women complaining about not being able to find a good man. You're already trained brother! You're more in touch with your feelings, more willing to change, and just as exciting if not more than when you married. That's half of what the wives on here complain about their husbands not doing. Trust me, you're going to feel a lot better no matter what happens.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Great post as always there NSweet!


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