# Marriage counseling with serial cheater. what should i expect?



## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

Hi all. I posted my story a while back. Been married to serial cheater for the last 9 years. We have 3 young children. I have lots of evidence, he 's rugsweeping so he has not discussed ANY details of his multiple affairs, one night stands etc. Only gives generic apology .

Though D would be my best option (thank you to all that replied to my first list) I will take into account that after all these years he has finally agreed to counseling thru insurance and thru church. First session with Dr. Is tomorrow night. 

I currently working on a plan B (I'm a SAHM) , lawyer consults, and stashing away a lil money. 

What is MC like? What can I expect with a WS?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

For them to lie their faces off especially if they aren't truely remorseful about what they have done.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Expect failure.

He's agreed to counseling, has he agreed to 100% transparency and accountability?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others. If he's not truly remorseful, I wouldn't expect much. A marriage counsellor can't extract the truth or make him change.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, it's good that you're trying, at least. But you and the counsellor will have a long battle ahead of you, I fear

C


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Also expect the counselor to (WRONGLY) tell you that the past is the past and your husband is being a good boy now so that's all that matters and you have no business snooping.


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## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

No transparency, no accountability. He just sweeps it under rug like nothing ever happened. YEARS OF INFILDELITY on his part. We still haven't had convo on anything. Just denies except for few times he told me that the real truth will kill me. He is still very controlling over finances. Even if things don't work out we need to learn how to communicate better for the sake of our young children.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Then MC is a waste of time and money because he is still the same guy with the same wants and same morals


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Beautifuldreamer,

I'm sorry to add to this but MC is not going to help unless he REALLY wants to change himself. I went the MC route with my serial cheater and it was a ridiculous waste of time. He lied his way through a year of it. In my opinion, your time would be better spent on IC to strengthen yourself and decide if you really want to continue in the marriage. So sorry you're here - sending positive thoughts your way.


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## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

Thanks everyone for replies. Yes, I'm seeking out IC as well.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would not do MC until and unless he comes clean on what he has done. I am a counselor and if your husband is rug sweeping now unless the MC has had dealings with infidelity it is a waste of time. I would call the MC and ask what their approach is in dealing with infidelity. You don't want a BS MC. Some of the counselors in my area state in their bio how they deal with infidelity. There are several (not many) that I would recommend just based upon their approach. If your husband wants to BS a counselor then it is a waste. Since he is BSing you he will more then likely BS a counselor. I would first meet with you and him individually and tell you both that there will be no secrets. And I would also inform him that he will have to reveal things as far as the A's go. If he is not willing to do that then I would thank you both for your time and recommend a IC for you.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

okay I doubt she can expect all of the bad things at once. 

expect a lot of blameshifting. You need to make sure that the councilor and you know when the Affair started. Because that's the cutoff time. IF he spots some garbage about you being distant and not giving him any love. Then the good councilor would ask. Well are you sure that's true or is it the fact that you were giving your time and attention to the OW so there was no way you could give him time and affection. 
It is really important to make sure the cheater doesn't have an excuse to hide behind. Once they do it can set the whole process back. They will likely holdfast to the feeble excuse. They will dig their heels in and hold fast to their justification.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It might be best for your husband to have individual counselling prior to couple's counselling in order for him to try to come to terms with why he is a serial cheater.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BD,

As the saying goes... It all depends.

4+ years into R...

When caught in a short-term PA, my wife pleaded for mercy, told me she was acting crazy and it was a one-time mistake, he meant nothing, it meant nothing, she got confused. Over the next few days, the truth came out that she had been serially cheating for over 6 years. 

Yes, I got the major TT for a week or so, but she finally came clean on the length, number of times, and persons she had been involved with. 

She desperately wanted to R and said she would do whatever. I thought it strange in that just one week prior, she told her old college BF that he was the one, she was in love and wanted to "build something new and exciting with him". Cheater logic is not rational by any stretch. 

Anyway... she pleaded to do IC and MC in the hope R our marriage. 

POINT: The first requirement if you wish to R. TRUTH. ALL of IT. PERIOD. Regardless of how much damage your H thinks it will rain upon you. Here is the rub... if you can possibly R, you will have to forgive, (not forget mind you), but forgive. Why, know all? 

You can never truly forgive, let go of it, until you know with certainty what you are forgiving him for. Rug-sweep it and it will eat away at the very core of any R.


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## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

Yeah, I'm sure tomorrow will be interesting. I will call him on his BS. I don't expect him to talk about his double life YET. However I'm looking forward to hearing his "what brings you hear today " story. I just want to hear something out of his mouth. 

Thanks for your responses again. I see the importance of him coming clean before counseling. I hope Dr will express the importance of sharing the good, bad and terrible with your partner.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

That's a very affecting line that he has - 'The truth will probably kill you.'

It's much more likely that the truth will wind up killing him. His fetid soul will do him in in the end long after you have moved on to a better life for yourself.

It's such a twisted pathologically narcissistic thing to claim - his truth will kill you. He's so self-important that he thinks his behavior can destroy your life.

When he gives this line to the MC, let him know that the truth will be his undoing but will only serve to set you free.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> That's a very affecting line that he has - 'The truth will probably kill you.'
> 
> It's much more likely that the truth will wind up killing him. His fetid soul will do him in in the end long after you have moved on to a better life for yourself.
> 
> ...


Some folks want more of an overview and others (like me) want a heck of a lot more details. It hurts big time, and my wife use that line with me, if I tell you I am afraid it will cause too much pain. She was sincere, we were in R. I replied back, I want to know and she told me. Her responce still bothers me after two months but at least I got an answer to one of my nagging questions. Not what I wanted to hear, but it was the truth about the XOM. Some will say it is no big deal, but it still is to me and it is because I am wounded. 

I wanted the details and got the answers. 

The one thing I don't want to hear though is, this was your fault. I got that for over a year when we were in false R. I have not heard that from my wife once after she repented and came clean in May. I can't explain why but she has never once, even when things got heated, said any of it was my fault. I think if she did or does I would seriously consider walking. I am not talking about any issues in the M unrelated to the A, but having to do with the A, I am convinced that I had absolutely nothing to do with it, and I have done a lot of soul searching, talked to folks, and feel no responsibility for her looking outside the M.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Well, I had a round of two different MC’s with my SA WW. The first go around was with a good one. While she was still adamant they were ‘just friends’, he did work hard on the dynamics within our relationship. Communication was a huge breakdown as she was ‘mind reading’ me constantly instead of asking. Another was the constant seeking out of everything wrong and ignoring anything that was going right. He backed me up in that she only spoke words that complained about me. That was creating a situation where she only presented a case that she saw me as a bad guy. A natural reaction from me would not to be her “best friend” and that I probably wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time with someone who constantly put him down. So he had her focus on the good stuff by telling her she (we) had to speak up whenever we liked something the other was doing. It helped.

She had us quit when he was too judgemental. She didn’t like him judging her for going out drinking with ‘friends’ without me and the constant contact with other men she knew bothered me.

Second round was after the confession. She was my wife’s IC. I call her ‘the parrot’. I quit after just a few sessions. She was an enabler that basically validated my wife’s behavior and blamed me for everything. 

Let us know how it goes. The first sessions are more about getting to know you and the circumstances for what you want them to accomplish. The work comes later.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How did it go?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

beautifuldreamer said:


> the real truth will kill me. He is still very controlling over finances.


Good lord, can cheaters ever come up with something original to say? This always cracks me up because the infidelity already did that, just say "it'll add more salt to the wound."


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

I read your story before and I gotta say it was one of the most extreme cases of infidelity here on TAM, and that's saying a lot.

You sound like a real sweetheart, but honestly your husband sounds like an irredeemable serial cheater.

Save yourself and your kids. You deserve better.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Expect more of the same.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> It might be best for your husband to have individual counselling prior to couple's counselling in order for him to try to come to terms with why he is a serial cheater.


Or so he can spin things in his favor and have a "professional" provide his "justifexcuses" for him.

It is only going to infuriate and hurt you, BD. 

He agreed so he can say he is trying. He will blame you when you divorce him, as you should.

I am actually stunned that you are considering staying with him. You should try IC for quite a long time before you ever consider marriage counseling and possibly reconciling with . the fact of the matter is he has a long-standing problem that will keep him creating . 

remember he was caught. He didn't quit on his own . And who knows what else is going to give you next time! you have to be there for your children . your husband is picking up death and bringing it home to you as a present. He has unprotected sex with other people who have unprotected sex.

maybe I'm confused didn't you say something about not having insurance?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I've read some of your other posts. DAMN!

As soon as he lies to the marriage counselor (probably 10 minutes into your first session). You stand up. Calmly say "I'm done". And walk out the door. Go dark and the next time he hears from you will be through your lawyers with divorce papers.

He needs a kick in the gut. That will wake him up. He thinks you are a doormat. Show him how very wrong he is.

He'll get serious about it at that point. But I can't IMAGINE you can be OK with the extent of his infidelity, lies and disrespect. Not only to you but to your CHILDREN.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

beautifuldreamer said:


> Hi all. I posted my story a while back. Been married to serial cheater for the last 9 years. We have 3 young children. I have lots of evidence, he 's rugsweeping so he has not discussed ANY details of his multiple affairs, one night stands etc. Only gives generic apology .
> 
> Though D would be my best option (thank you to all that replied to my first list) I will take into account that after all these years he has finally agreed to counseling thru insurance and thru church. First session with Dr. Is tomorrow night.
> 
> ...


BD, your husband is a douche. Sorry. I can't stand men like that.

Aside from that, understand him agreeing to MC is for one purpose and one purpose ONLY...to pacify you.

There are stages to R. The WS needs to face what they did, take responsibility for it, not rugsweep, give full transparency and accept what the BS NEEDS to get past it. AFTER those things are in place, counseling can help the couple find their way back. Counseling can't fix something if the WS isn't mentally looking to fix everything.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

When the counselor asks how things are going, always let him go first. I find it very interesting how when we 1st started counselling after Dday, we could be fighting or giving each other the cold shoulder on the way to the appointment and my FWW would tell the counselor things were going great. /facepalm


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## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

Update: Sorry for typos - i have three little kids. typing quickly

Well folks i don't even know where to start. First MC appointment with H and I was last night. H tried to get out of appt. right up until the Dr called us back. H didn't even fill out the intake paperwork properly. H rushed thru it. Left a lot of questions blank. Dr. called us back , sat us down and began session by asking "what brings you two here?" I told H he can speak first. All he said was, "wife said we have marital issues so now i'm here" that was it. H went silent. Then i started talking - told Dr. the story of our crude of a marriage. About 10 minutes into talking, Dr. stopped me and said "this is one of the most severe cases of infidelity that i had in my office in 34 years". Dr. looked at me wide eyed. I kept talking and talking. Dr. stopped me and started questioning H. Does he want the marriage? H said yes. DR told H that i am one in a million. Not many woman would still be by his side . As a christian, he told us that after one act of adultery God has already released me from our marriage. 

H was quiet thru most of session. Sparing a gazillion details - Dr. told us that 6 month minimum of weekly sessions will be a start. Dr. said that next visit or two will be with H only. Told H that only way marriage can be re-built is by honesty , transparency etc. Ask H if he can forsake all others to be with me. H quickly answered yes. Then said he hasn't been messing around for the LAST two years. BIG FAT lie. Dr called him on it again. Dr. called H a serial cheater with a severe sexual addiction. Dr. said sexual addition is can be very difficult to threat. Dr. spoke about the abuse i'm experiencing, emotional abuse, financial abuse etc. Sparing all the details. 

I learned last night that I need to shift my attention onto myself and my kids. I need to figure out a way to get my life back on track quickly. Learned that my H has no intentions to stop living his double life. He lied to me and Dr. Dr. caught it quickly and called him on it. IC is vital for me right now. I have to figure out why on earth am i still with the H of mines. This man can care less. He is not remorseful. 

Session was over - as we watched to the car. H blurted out to me. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? i was like WhAT? H said all those things that we just spoke about with Dr are all things we already talked about. I stopped in my tracks and told him...That he is freaking CRAZY. I said yes i brought these things up to you a gazillion times but you don't respond, you don't talk to me, you are not remorseful, your pissed that you caught, you are not owning up to what you've down. All you offer is "i'm sorry , i want to make your and the kids happy". 

Then i starting getting loud in car asking him ...What the hell are you sorry for? stepping on my toe? eating the last doughnut? H said he apologizes all the time. I said NO..you keep giving me a generic apology. Then the asshol$ said..i'm sorry for hurting your feelings..i'm sorry for making you sad. I'm yelling at him WHYYYYYY?????? Then i said..i need an apology that goes something like his. "I'm sorry that i messed up, i'm sorry that i've cheated on you all these years, I'm sorry that i betrayed you, i'm sorry that i had multiple affairs, unprotected sex, brought home STD, i'm sorry that i create sex adds, spent thousands of dollars out side the home ETC. He went silent. 

Arrived home, told him i want to talk after kids went to bed. He didn't reply. H never met me downstairs. he went to sleep. Dr. told him to make appointment for IC next week. Don't even think H will go. However i made an IC appointment to FINALLY help me self and move on from this mess.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't know your backstory, but WHY are you still under the same roof as this........'person'??


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## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I don't know your backstory, but WHY are you still under the same roof as this........'person'??


Hope, that's what i'm FINALLY trying to figure out now


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well good  I REALLY hope you can continue to feel this way. 

FWIW my husband is a sex addict. Hasn't acted out for over 3 years. He never did most of what yours did though.

I highly recommend this book

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Beautiful dreamer - Please start taking care of you! He will keep you broken and sad as long as you stay with him. Please save yourself!

He said that the truth would kill you. I hate to ask this, but is it possible that he's fathered children that you don't know about? That is the sort of truth that can do that to a person.

Given that he has said what he has said, please try hard to get that truth. Please do this for you.


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## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Beautiful dreamer - Please start taking care of you! He will keep you broken and sad as long as you stay with him. Please save yourself!
> 
> He said that the truth would kill you. I hate to ask this, but is it possible that he's fathered children that you don't know about? That is the sort of truth that can do that to a person.
> 
> Given that he has said what he has said, please try hard to get that truth. Please do this for you.


Alte, i won't be surprised. My H has had unprotected sex. Anything is possible. 

I need him to start talking to me. It's the icing on the cake that's missing. i need to hear it. I'm sure it will be the "quick of sense" i need to run for the hills and file for D. I'm stuck right now


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If getting more of the truth will give you what you need to get out and file for D, then push, push, push for it. Make it a condition of your considering reconciliation at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think that there is any apology that would be acceptable. Seriously, even if he said exactly what you suggested, it does not get to the heart of the horror he has brought into your life.

I'm wondering if he realizes this and thus cannot say anything. I also think that he really does not care.

How has this affected him? Does he have any problems sleeping? Has he dropped any significant amount of weight for not being able to eat?

Does he seem able to carry on his job? How has his schedule changed?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BD, good for you in being so up front with the MC. You are getting stronger.


I can think of a few reasons why you have not decided on a divorce yet.

One is that you are in denial on some level. There are stages to the grief/pain the BS experiences. It's not that different from what a person experiences when someone they love dies.

Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

I think that you are going back and forth between denial and bargaining. I can see a bit of the anger but you seem to be suppressing it. Perhaps you are doing that because this is so HUGE that you fear really getting angry. At some point you need to let the anger take over and have it's time. Anger is actually a very good thing. It provides the energy to do the hard things we know that we need to do.

I also think that part of the problem has been a lack of a plan. Though I did read some of a developing plan in your last post. If you make a strong plan with how to get from here to divorce, then work it a little bit every day, you will get there. Leaving your marriage is a huge step that will take a lot of energy. But if you have a plan that is broken down into small steps you can work the steps. That takes a lot less energy on a daily basis.

Keep working at this. Keep going to counseling.


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