# How long should I wait



## junegirl (Jan 27, 2012)

My husband left me a week and half ago...I understand why he left..He says its because I dont trust him and am always looking over his shoulder..I admit that I do wonder sometimes who he is texting...but this is due to the fact that he has been known to text other women...at one point 2 years ago he was constantly on the phone with another woman...I would fuss about it and he finally said he was not going to do it anymore. But he lied I found out he was still doing it but hiding it from me.. I confronted the woman and she said all communcation would stop. It did as far as I know...but he still facebook messaged other woman and text some in between but nothing major...he says he just gets along with women better and that the reason he was texting so much at that one time was because he needed a friend after the death of his mom. He left last wednesday because I confronted him about another text on his phone from a woman.. He lied and said he had not talked to her but i told him i had saw it on his phone....he left mad...He has been cold and unresponsive as far as talking til yesterday...he says he still loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but that I am going to have to get help from a counselor for my trust and jealousy issues. I have made an appt for a therapist for next week . OUr children are not happy at all.. He has my son who is 13 ....He says he just wants to be with dad but i miss my family My husband told me today, " I told you that you are not going to rush me into coming back" This is not gonna be over in a few days...It could be months. He is paying for all the bills and is not letting me want for anything...its not about the money ...I just need to know how long i should wait on him...I feel like he is just seeing how long he can punish me. Oh btw he has asked me to accompany him on an overnight trip this coming friday so we can talk and he wants me to make a list of things that he needs to change and he will make a list of things that I need to change. Im so confused right now.!!!!


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

My perspective, take it for what it's worth:

I think it is not your fault for not trusting him, he has been slowly burning that bridge by constantly doing things you've asked him not to do. Don't blame yourself.

It is good that he is interested in communicating, and says he loves you still. It is good that he wants you to be open and honest about what you want him to change. When you tell him your list of things, don't be shocked if some of them make him clam-up, or lash out...that's bound to happen when there is some resistance or discomfort.

Where is this "trip" to exactly? Is it to a place you have been? Is it "in the middle of the woods where nobody can hear you scream" kind of place? (i only ask this...because you never really know what goes on...and a SAFE environment, to talk, when things could get heated, is highly suggested)

ALSO--- NO SEX..."overnight trips" sounds like a "Lets get together, talk, and end up having sex"....don't fall victim to that. He wanted to split, but might think he can have his cake and eat it to....you're better than this..so keep it very matter-of-fact...talk, be open and honest, and receptive at the same time, but don't cave on any of the issues that matter to you.

To answer answer your main question, "How long should I wait?"

As long as it takes for you BOTH to decide what you want. Some separations last a week...some last 6 months, some last 2 years....I recommend nothing more than 4 to 6 months. Take this time to work on yourself, and discover what your needs are, as he should be doing the same...but also, make time for each other, so that you can work on your issues together, and effectively communicate.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Generally, a person gives another person a reason(s) not to trust them. He knows why you don't trust him but he wants you to believe that you have a problem. All this is still very new, don't make any rash decisions at this point. Personally, I think I would decline the trip at this time, but that's just me.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

These are exactly the same reasons my H and I are separated and most likely not getting back together. There can be no "opposite sex friendships" in a marriage if you ask me. Like one of the other posters said, it will most likely lead to an affair. My husband got into the whole FB thing and our marriage started deteriorating slowly after that. He started chatting in the game chat rooms, then messaging on FB and finally the straw that broke the camels back was the x-rated messages between him and another girl that I found on his fb account on his phone. It's unacceptable behavior and needs to stop COMPLETELY. My husband used to tell me I was crazy, that I was imagining things, that what he was doing wasn't an affair...B.S.. It doesn't have to be physical to constitute an affair. Oh, I get so mad when I think about it even now...6 months he's been gone and it still infuriates me. 

I think you need to tell him straight up that he has to give up the texting and there needs to be total transparency. He needs to be able to hand over his phone at any moment and there not be any trace of interaction between him and other women. As for the trip, I'd say no. Why can't you go meet for coffee alone and discuss this stuff? I think he wants sex from you, but wants to continue on with his behavior. Big Fat No!

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## junegirl (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks guys...I will keep you posted...It just seems Im on an emotional roller coaster here...one day he is the sweetest thing and the next he's a total ****head...saying he doesnt know if and when he is coming back...I miss my son too...


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## Dog Lover (Feb 5, 2012)

My husband left a week ago today after a couple of weeks talking about how he is not happy but he loves me. Says he needs time to think about what he really wants. 
I totally feel your pain! I am asking myself the exact same thing. I am in total limbo, just waiting on him to decide the rest of my life. Pain, heartache, wondering what I should have done different...
So how long do we wait...I have 18 years invested in this and 2 kids...Do I want to give him a time limit? No idea to be honest...
Sorry not much help, just feel we are at a very similar spot.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Dog Lover, I am in the same boat as you. I have 20 years invested in this and 6 months ago my H says he has lost himself, needs his space. I tried to understand in the beginning but nothing made sense. After a couple of months I found out he was cheating. 4 months into this nightmare I filed for a divorce. I'm not saying your H is doing the same thing but red flag went up for me when I read your post. I know what you are going through, it's a pain that can't be described. I often said it would have been less painful if my H had just reached in my chest and jerk my heart out.


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