# I need a womans perspective...



## doesmywifecheat (Jan 17, 2009)

Anyone can please answer this but I think a womans perspective on the sensitive issue would be the best.

Ok... My wife have been married for 4 years and everything has been fine until we moved about 6 months ago. My wife is very attractive and I am used to her turning everyones head when she walks in a room and I have never had any jealousy issues or feelings in the past. 

Things were happy, the normal with a few arguments etc... When we moved we both started new jobs. Since we have moved she has become not very nice and down right rude and mean to me. We used to have a good love life but now the bedroom has grown much colder. She works in a very male dominated proffesion and in an office with 2 guys, both around her age. She receives text msgs and phone calls outside of work from them. Nothing overt or anything but just a lot of attention she receives from them.

She had always been one to leave work as soon as she could in her prior jobs and now seems to stay later at work. She occasionally has a drink at or after work with 1 or both of them, mostly her boss and not the co-worker. She has even gone to a strip club with them both. She told me one day this week she spent most of the afternoon just chatting with her boss. He sent her an email later that day that said something like..."thanks for the chat, you have a really good head on your shoulders". (I'm trying not to read to much into that one)

She has had a few UTI's in the past since we have been married but I kinda attributed that to us having a robust love life in bed and her getting one. Since we moved she has had about 2-3 times as many as normal.

So... I have all of these things I mentioned running around in my head, could be all just my immagination running wild. (feel free to let me know if you think I am imagining all of this) 

OK, Now the "sensitive" part... I am doing laundry last week after work and I am picking up clothes and I go to pick up her underwear and I noticed there is some "frosting" on the inside in the part where it meets her private area. It is not much, very little and in the normal shape of the female anatomy. A couple of elongated spots of "frosting". Because of the previous stuff I talked about I thought this a little odd. I have noticed the same thing a couple of more times during the last week, although I have not looked at them everyday.

I have never looked at her underwear before and do not know if this is normal for a woman to have "frosting" on the inside like that or if that is some "leftovers" from her being with another man.

I would really like to know what another woman thinks about this "frosting" being normal. I could be just over exaggerating all of this and be parnoid or something which is totally unlike my personallity. All of these things just seem to be adding up to a bad answer to me.

What do you all think? Is this "frosting" thing normal? Am I being paranoid? Are my suspicions justified? I just need some advice/thoughts from those who know more than I do about this

Thanks,


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont know if the "frosting" is normal or not, but the point is you have suspicions and you guys need to talk about it. just be open and honest with her about how you are feeling and see what happens. I think its very unusual/inappropriate that she went to a strip bar with them.


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## doesmywifecheat (Jan 17, 2009)

I have talked with her about a month ago and out right asked her if she was having an affair. She said no. After reading my original post I left out one detail... She sometimes carries a change of clothes in her trunk with her to work. Thanks for your reply.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well thats good that you asked her, but i think you should talk to her about how her behavior is affecting you. Not just, "are you cheating?" but give examples of how her behavior is hurting your trust for her. I mean, did it bother you that she went to the strip club with those guys? what are the specific things she is doing that is creating a wedge between you two? that's what you need to talk to her about and try to come to some compromise.


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## doesmywifecheat (Jan 17, 2009)

I have tried to talk about my feelings with her as well about this and other issues in our marriage, she does not seem to care and thinks she is always "in the right" with whatever she does or says. I think we have real problems and it makes me very sad because she does not seem to care about my feelings.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ya that does sound like something is going on, then. if you've tried to talk to her and she doesnt respond, and istn willing to compromise, then sounds like she's emotionally left the marriage. have you thought about going to counseling? for yourself, if she wont go?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to get a couple of semen test kits. The next time you see this frosting you need to test it. It is like 100% accurate. If she is rude and the sex has become rare of non existent. You need to be concerned. Get the test kit. If its positive. Separate your bank accounts and leave her. She sounds like she has become very apathetic regarding your marriage. This is worst of all. Hate you can deal with. Apathy is the marriage killer.


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## doesmywifecheat (Jan 17, 2009)

ljt- I have made an appt next week to talk to a counselor, I think this will be a one on one session and I am going to try and get her to go in the future.

On the semen test kit... does anyone know of what trype of a local store would have one? I do not want to mail order one and put it on a credit card, she would see it and wonder what it was. I guess if the women on here think that this "frosting" could not belong to her and it must belong to a him then I should do that?


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

I pm'd you....


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Use the internet, use cashiers check. Fed ex it to your office or work. This women is disrespecting you. She is a cake eater and thinks she can walk all over you. Cowboy up. That is if you want to save your marriage. If not, close the accounts and dump her.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

either way, whatever she is doing , sounds like your getin an unfair advantage.
im afraid the feelings your getin are instinct.
she is bound to say no, if she is having an affair.
i mean staying on at work, excuses. pubs etc . change of clothes.

MY ex did that all the time and yes he was having affairs.
i unfortunately played detective and caught him lovely.
i followed my ex and even when placed with 100% evidence, he stil denied it.
when i told him how pathetic he was , despite the evidence. he finally told me and i left the place where i caught him. 
i filed for divorce asap.
it was fab.
maybe you should do your own detec work and follow her incognito.
or hire someone. 
ok an awful thing to do, but it wil put your mind at rest and with the evidence as i had, it was easier to deal with at the solicitors.


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## doesmywifecheat (Jan 17, 2009)

Even if she is doing it I am not sure I want to leave her. I would like to get her to stop and go to counseling with me. If she did come clean and it happened after i forgave her then it would be over.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> Use the internet, use cashiers check. Fed ex it to your office or work. This women is disrespecting you. She is a cake eater and thinks she can walk all over you. Cowboy up. That is if you want to save your marriage. If not, close the accounts and dump her.


I think this is a bit harsh....


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

doesmywifecheat said:


> Even if she is doing it I am not sure I want to leave her. I would like to get her to stop and go to counseling with me. If she did come clean and it happened after i forgave her then it would be over.


What about having a friend she doesn't know...someone from work...go hang out at the same place she is at with the guy(s). The change of clothes is really odd. Is she in a profession where she would need a change of clothes? Has she ever had to change before coming home?


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## doesmywifecheat (Jan 17, 2009)

Yes, she is in a profession if she wanted to go out to a bar or something she would have to change clothes. But normally she drives to/from work in her work clothes. She has a small bag with some clothes in it rather than her normal work uniform. She does not always have it with her but I have noticed it in the trunk of her car in the past. She played it off when I asked her and said it was in case she wants to stop and do some shopping on the way home.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

that is kind of odd I think...I have never changed clothes on the way home just to shop. Maybe if you really think she is doing something you should have a friend follow her when she goes out. Or you go the next time she is out with her guy friends. Its out of the norm for business associates to party together frequently, especially involving a strip club. keep us posted.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I think there could be two possibilities...

1)She has lost respect for you because you are a pushover, and do whatever she want without resistance. Women love this to start with, but if it goes on too long they look down on you.

2)A bit of the above PLUS she is cheating.

I'm sorry but I'm guessing number two is the most likely.

You said you wanted a woman's perspective - here it is, but be warned she is pushing her book, and is in my opinion a little sensational: Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

My perspective is here.

How often are you having it now, and what is the quality like?


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## doesmywifecheat (Jan 17, 2009)

Thanks for the responses... Yes MT she does look down on me, I can tell by the way things have changed, she used to admire me and now I think it is the opposite.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

doesmywifecheat said:


> Thanks for the responses... Yes MT she does look down on me, I can tell by the way things have changed, she used to admire me and now I think it is the opposite.


The one thing I have not yet written about on that page is the loss of respect syndrome. My theory is that on a primal level, a woman wants a strong man to protect them from the outside world. When she sees that her husband can't even stand up to her, she loses all respect, because how can he possibly protect her her from outside calamities if she is too much of a match for him?

Generally, a woman does not want to wake up to find she is the stronger one in the marriage - or the toughest. The secret the man has to learn is to get firm, not nasty.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree: You need to man up. You need to bust her if she is screwing around on you. Basically you need to be a man. Men have to make hard decisions. Like whether you let your wife **** other men and dis you. You will either accept or you won't. You will keep your wife or you won't. In either case you need to respect yourself.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

doesmywifecheat said:


> Even if she is doing it I am not sure I want to leave her. .


this is a different issue entirely.

as for the clothes. i agree, i wouldnt keep changing , unless i had to.

but in my occupation i do have my own clothes (theatre blues) and i do admit to taking in spare underwear for freshness reasons. i do 10 hour shifts and its nice to feel clean , specially in my job.


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

OK- I can't figure out how to quote on this thing,:scratchhead: but MT you are so dead on about men being a doormat. There is nothing attractive about it and no respect at all. There is a big difference between a door mat and being agreeable/getting along, easy going. Dead on!!


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I have to add.....back when I was still working I was a police officer. I went through phases where I would either wear regular clothing to work and change into uniform once there, OR, I would simply wear my uniform to and from work with a sweater or coat over my shirt. If I planned to stop at the store or run a few errands after work, I'd throw the sweater over to hide the uniform shirt. I find that keeping a change of clothes in her car is suspect. If she is in a profession that requires a uniform you don't want to wear out in public, then locker rooms or changing rooms are usually provided at the work place. 

As to the "frosting" question....also suspect given the other red flags that are waving all over the place. Although, sometimes "discharge" is normal given certain times in a womans cycle. I don't know though....based on what you have described, I would be very suspicious also. 

I have always worked in male-dominated environments. I have NEVER gone to a strip club with my co-workers, and I have never exchanged emails with my boss that weren't of a professional nature. I have had drinks after work with co-workers. And given the job, most of them were male. But my husband was always invited to join us also....it was never to his exclusion.

As someone else mentioned, I would do some detective work. I would have numerous, serious talks with her, tell her that her actions are hurting you, causing distrustful thoughts and feelings, and take a stand. Don't let her continue to use you as your doormat. Man Up.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Don't forget. You need a semen detection kit. A Var for the car, and a keylogger for the computer.


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## doesmywifecheat (Jan 17, 2009)

Thanks to all for the feedback on everything to everyone. I will continue to be nice/agreeable as someone said, but I take the feedback of being a "doormat" seriously and do not want to be like that, so I will work on it. I appreciate all of your advice.


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## kmd (Jan 23, 2009)

Ok as far as the "frosting" goes. It is from her and not another man, but it is either from her ovulating (when women ovulate each month they have a little bit of discharge) or it could be from her getting sexually aroused or "wet". She is probably cheating or thinking about it. No one stays late at work to chat unless they are interested in the other person. If she is not cheating she is starting to look for something else, therefore you need to talk to her NOW before something does happen.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

From what I've read (yes, I skimmed it)...she's ****ing around on you. Get an STD/HIV test ASAP, dude! And NO MORE sex until it comes in. Then start the spying. Get a key logger, check her phone (internet if you can) for calls, text messages.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I don't think the frosting is normal but doesn't necessarily signal an affair could possibly be from a yeast infection. Also I've had UTI's in the past and have completely eliminated them through drinking more water so that really doesn't mean anything either. 

But her behavioral does signal a problem and it sounds like whatever is going on with the boss is inappropriate. If she hasn't already started she is likely to start having an affair. He attitude towards you is key. Unless something has happened, some reason she feels this way its a sign of cheating. The cheater feels guilty but rather than take responsibility its better to transfer guilt and anger to you the one who is being hurt. 

My husband cheated on me for a long period of time (about 6 months) at first I saw no change in his attitude it happened slowly he spent less time with me, showed me less affection, showed less interest - although still interested and active - in sex then it progressed and he was angry with me and when I confronted him he said that he wasn't happy but made it all seem like it was my fault. He was angry with me and he didnt' even know why until later it was his guilt and he transferred it to the one person he loved the most. He even started showing anger and a lack of patience to our children, to the point my daughter started writing me letters "I don't know my dad anymore he has changed" was one thing she said. We didn't fight at all before this but then towards the end we did, never in front of the children so this was just behavior she noticed towards her. 

My H also took this girl to a strip club with another couple. He lied and told me he was going with a buddy, which he did and his buddy's wife and the other woman. THAT is a date! I told him how I felt and he got angry and said "its not like that". His behavioral was definately proof of the affair but it was still 2 months before I confirmed it with proof and yet he still lied and still was angry with me (I went through his email and found emails and photos to her that couldn't be disputed and he was mad at me "how dare you go through my computer" my response "how dare you expose me to potentially life threatening diseases and expose our children like that, yeah I have a right!" that was when I learned how to stand up for myself and stop being the one he took it out on. That's probably the best thing I ever did, that woke him up and he realized that was not what he wanted and he has been very committed to fixing it...that was last August. 

I can't say for sure your wife is having an affair, but the signs are there. In any case the strip clubs etc. that's not work, that's a date and disrepectful to you. You need to tell her how you feel, tell her "I don't like it when you go out with him. I don't care if he is your boss, he can't require that of you in fact HIS behavior crosses the line by even asking you." If she will not stop then you need to ask her to leave or leave yourself.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

doesmywifecheat said:


> Even if she is doing it I am not sure I want to leave her. I would like to get her to stop and go to counseling with me. If she did come clean and it happened after i forgave her then it would be over.


The problem is she doesn't sound like she wants to end it. So she won't admit it unless you catch her. Is she sorry or sorry she was caught then. I'm not saying you can't work it out if you have to catch her. Actually that's exactly what happened to me, I caught him and confronted but still I had to kick him out. When I caught him he denied, when that was not possible he was angry, it was MY fault. I told him no it wasn't he was responsible for his behavior and I deserve better, marriage over. He came back to me with an appointment booked for a marriage counselor. This was a huge step for him, I'd asked him to go to a marriage counselor and he refused. I knew now he was serious. We did work it out. 

Having said that, its a very tough road and one that you can only succeed if there was total disclosure. Also cheaters tend to repeat. I told him if he EVER so much as thought about cheating and it didn't have to include sex but an EA there was NO chance at reconiliation, no discussion. 

Your wife is also being sexually harrassed. She may not be adverse to it but as a boss his behavior is very inappropriate. Perhaps you can bring it up that way rather than accuse her.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> :iagree: You need to man up. You need to bust her if she is screwing around on you. Basically you need to be a man. Men have to make hard decisions. Like whether you let your wife **** other men and dis you. You will either accept or you won't. You will keep your wife or you won't. In either case you need to respect yourself.


hey not just a man, no woman should let her husband screw other women either!


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