# Him 1 day, me another



## The Nurturer (Jun 27, 2011)

I've been having this problem for quite some time now. Not sure how to handle it anymore. First and foremost i want to explain the kind of lover my husband and I are.

Him: Not too much foreplay. very little oral. Usually straight into penetration. Rough. Not a role player. Almost always horny.

Me: Plenty of foreplay. I enjoy dressing up or down. Spontaneous. often oral. Experimental. Almost always horny.

There are days when my husband wants to have sex and I'm not in the mood. And vice-versa. But lately, we just don't seem to match up anymore. So it's more often that we are not on the same page when it comes to sex. The other day (I was not in the mood) he asked if we could have sex. I agreed. I truly do not mind pleasing my husband. But, I also was not into it. He noticed after a while that he couldn't get me to have an orgasm and that i was drying quickly, as opposed to providing a ton of natural lubrication. He got offended. He felt that I was no longer attracted to him. Hearing those words put a sharp pain through my chest, honestly. I tried to reassure him that wasn't the case. Later on that day i explained that the lack of foreplay is what I feel that the problem is between us. _The lack of him giving me oral. _ 

I want to say just about every time we have sex, if I'm not already wet, he has the honors of making me so. But, he shows no type of patience. He'll finger me, but rough and quick, which ends up being more uncomfortable for me (sometimes painful) than anything. After he accomplishes the whole wetting process it's straight to stick it in. At that point, i'm practically turned off. MENTALLY, sometimes physically (depending on whether or not hes being too rough or too eager). 

Then there are days (sometimes the entire week or weeks) when I am completely turned on and all i want to do is have sex. That's when i get freaky. I come up with random ideas.. Few examples include: giving him oral while he plays video games or when he gets home from work - i'm in lingerie & make-up/heels waiting for him on the bed, or when he walks in the room id be in a sexual position completely naked. Every once in a while, I just take it. In the middle of the night, he'll be asleep and I just take it lol. He gets surprised obviously but enjoys it. At least I assume since he doesn't stop me 

Then BAM, suddenly he doesn't want to have sex. So i have to settle with taking care of business myself (which is not bad, just not what i wanted). It's been happening so often. I feel that we no longer sync sexually. TODAY! I got into bed with him and wanted to have sex. He said no. (Naturally i got bothered) Yesterday, he wanted to have sex and I wasn't in the mood. It's a bit frustrating. 

What can I suggest or practice to fix this issue?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You really have to talk to him and maybe a counselor. There is no reason for him to be rough. The lubrication neednt be natural. He should realise that women arent always in the 'mood' and should be happy you still consent. No longer attracted because of 'ONCE'. He may have to grow up a bit as well.
I think your problems can be worked out but your H must also be willing.


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## notmarried (Dec 12, 2011)

Im not married nor have i ever been in a relationship however i have been studying human relationships for the last few months so tell me know how this advice works.


Although a man really enjoys sex most of his satisfaction comes from pleasing a women and giving her an organism. A problem *most men dont realise is sometimes a women may not want an orgasm* (sometimes women dont know if they want an orgasm or not till they are half way into it) and may just want to feel the closeness of being with her man. 

For the first situation where he wanted to give you an orgasm but you never wanted one i suggest you suggest to just have a quickie. This way both get satisfaction and *he knows its not him the reason you not having an orgasm.* you enjoy the closeness whilst he enjoys his orgasm.

You have to communicate with your husband regarding foreplay. I don't think he understands that *for a women enjoying sex is more of a mental thing unlike a man which is more of a physical thing*, this is most probably why he wants it over as quick as possible. Foreplay begins long before any physical contact, with looks then words then finally physical contact. Tell him what you like and when to go slower. 

*oral sex is a real turn on for women however requires a lot of communication*. tell him what you like and how your body operates. e.g if he doing something you like for him to continue doing it until you give him a signal to change. tell him to be spontaneous and unpredictable. and im not joking tell him to use a timer. set it for 10-20 mintues that way you get a lot of fulfilment.

With regards to when your turned on and hes not i suggest you let him know first if he says no accept it and act is if everything is ok. Let him know your going to the bedroom to start of and you want him to finish it. Or if your in bed start masturbating and when you close or orgasming ask him to finish you of. This is a great turn on, when you say this his bit below his waist will immediately wake up. This type of sex is better than a quickie as you get what you wants and he has the pleasure of knowing he gave you an orgasm with little work. If you try pressuring him he will get performance pressure.

the quickie and masturbation are your answers but passionate sex is vital for a relatioship. what really works for passionate loving sex is to set a date and time three days ahead. you can have sex in between but you know they day its going to meaningful sex. this your mental preparation will be like a two-day foreplay and he knows hes gonna give you an orgasm.

I suggest you show him this message as it often takes some else to tell him these things before he will understand.

Let me know how it goes


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## The Nurturer (Jun 27, 2011)

Well, I showed him the post and the replies and he instantly questioned why I would post this instead of "talking" to him.. My response was.. I have already talked to you about it, several times. He didn't say anything in return. But, we will see if him reading this for his own eyes will change anything. 

I have tried masturbating first, then having him finish me off.. But that doesn't usually happen. If it does, it's by chance. Masturbation is actually how I've been dealing with the situation to prevent frustration and "bad mood" days. I have told him how I like things. Believe me when I say I do communicate with him on how I like things or how I don't like things, whether or not they be sexually. When I want a quickie, I will definitely tell him "Babe, I just want a quickie" or if I just want oral I will say so. Either way I don't feel that the communication on my behalf is the problem. 

A counselor is definitely out of the question. He just won't do counseling. I've tried before when we had other problems and he agreed to going, but never kept his word. That's why I've come here.


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## notmarried (Dec 12, 2011)

when a man has a problem he likes to deal with it on his own without help unless requested. when a women has a problem she likes to talk about it, this talking to some men seems like nagging so they tend to switch off which seems like whats happened here. your husband has to first learn about your needs in being heard without offering a solution. men generally dont like counseling has they dont want to let others know there relationship isnt perfect. the next best thing is a book. i suggest the classical book by John Gray 'Men are From Mars Women are form Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships' a really good book which helps people open up. if he is not one for reading i suggest you read together at least one chapter a day and together highlight the bits which you feel are relevant to you relationship. use different colours for each of you and this will help you see what each other want in the relationship. also as he doent seem to be listening to you i suggest writing you feelings down and telling him. 

another book which is really good is 'men are from mars women are from venus: in the bedrrom' do the same with this book.


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## ozwang (Aug 11, 2011)

notmarried said:


> i have been studying human relationships for the last few months so tell me know how this advice works.


Are you a life form from another planet? :rofl:


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## notmarried (Dec 12, 2011)

yes im from mars


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## The Nurturer (Jun 27, 2011)

Do you's believe that our different nationalities make a difference? I'm hispanic, he's mixed black, hispanic, and white (but raised by his mom who is 100% black) Stereotypes say that black men are not as affectionate as other races. His mom isn't the emotion showing type either. 

We have books on relationships, of both sexes. He would read them then stopped one day. Either way, he didn't really incorporate what he learned into our relationship. Neither does hearing it from others. Or me telling him. I have been quiet way too long to not say anything about it. I'm trying to teach him now. Without 'nagging'. The worst part is, that he's had sooooo many lovers before us - of different types, needs and wants. And he can't figure me out??


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