# Did my husband just hit on my 26 year old daughter



## ChrisAnn

Did my husband just hit on my 26 year old daughter? A daughter he has helped parent since 11?

My daughter has been visiting with her 2 kids for the last month. One day she tried on a dark lipstick that she doesn't usually wear. When my husband came home he commented to her that her makeup looked "goth".

Later on in the even after he started drinking I asked him to help me in the kitchen where my daughter was standing talking to me. After he completed the task I said "thank you honey". He responded, looking directly at my daughter:

I am a good husband, other than the fact that I have an insatiable appetite for women, especially the goth kind.

Needless to say I was pissed and we have been fighting ever since. He cries and says that he only meant to back track on any negative comment that he made earlier about her makeup....I am having a hard time believing him. Am I over reacting? I felt as though he was hitting on her.


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## MarriedDude

Wow. 

I think you are reacting just fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChrisAnn

He is begging, crying, saying that he just fumbled up his words....I want to kick his ass to the curb. I need other people's opinions as to how they would perceive this situation if it were them. The sick part of it is that he has been her stepfather since she was 11 years old!


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## WhyMe66

ChrisAnn said:


> Did my husband just hit on my 26 year old daughter? A daughter he has helped parent since 11?
> 
> My daughter has been visiting with her 2 kids for the last month. One day she tried on a dark lipstick that she doesn't usually wear. When my husband came home he commented to her that her makeup looked "goth".
> 
> Later on in the even after he started drinking I asked him to help me in the kitchen where my daughter was standing talking to me. After he completed the task I said "thank you honey". He responded, looking directly at my daughter:
> 
> I am a good husband, other than the fact that I have an insatiable appetite for women, especially the goth kind.
> 
> Needless to say I was pissed and we have been fighting ever since. He cries and says that he only meant to back track on any negative comment that he made earlier about her makeup....I am having a hard time believing him. Am I over reacting? I felt as though he was hitting on her.


Yes, he did. Your response was perfectly appropriate to the situation.


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## WhyMe66

chrisann said:


> he is begging, crying, saying that he just fumbled up his words....i want to kick his ass to the curb. I need other people's opinions as to how they would perceive this situation if it were them. The sick part of it is that he has been her stepfather since she was 11 years old!


amen!!!


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## jld

Wow, sounds creepy. How did your daughter take it?


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## ChrisAnn

My daughter pretty much just shrugged him off...I eve wondered if she even here the comment because she pretty much ignored it, did not respond. I am starting to think he is a definite pervert.


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## jld

ChrisAnn said:


> My daughter pretty much just shrugged him off...I eve wondered if she even here the comment because she pretty much ignored it, did not respond. I am starting to think he is a definite pervert.


Then I would leave him, if I were you. Would you even want him around your grandkids?

Also, I would ask your daughter directly about what she heard and how she felt about it.


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## NWCooper

Has he ever acted like this before, either with her or other women? Is it possible that he just put his foot in his mouth this time?

You don't paint a very attractive picture of him...begging, crying...he does sound like a pervy tool. I certainly hope he apologized to the both of you at the very least.


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## Evinrude58

11 years and not one inappropriate comment? Is this the first? He was drunk? I'd think if he was totally evil it would have reared it's ugly head earlier. People are die one insanely stupid comment once. Twice is another thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

Yes, he did. Now he's trying to backpedal. And you'll likely be spending the rest of your marriage thinking he's fantasizing about your daughter. Because he probably is.


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## Herschel

So, she is in her mid 30s and he is late 50s even early 60s? And he has helped raise her? I think people here are jumping to conclusions without really knowing enough. Maybe he was just messing around. It's not like she is 15. Nobody knows what else was said and it's a little absurd to think he is just perving on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld

Openminded said:


> Yes, he did. Now he's trying to backpedal. And you'll likely be spending the rest of your marriage thinking he's fantasizing about your daughter. Because he probably is.


I agree. And the whole crying about it thing sounds weird.

Listen to your gut, OP. Mothers have instincts for a reason.


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## Herschel

jld said:


> I agree. And the whole crying about it thing sounds weird.
> 
> Listen to your gut, OP. Mothers have instincts for a reason.


Um what? I don't even know what to specifying mothers instinct, however, has your gut ever been wrong? Destroy a marriage over this? How about collecting a little more evidence. Has anything like this happened before? Just after 26 years, he makes a pervy comment and that's it? Sheesh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

*Yes, your H's comment, at best, was inappropriate and uncalled for! More especially about a girl that he helped raise! Shame on his sorry a$$!

Permission granted to kick his other cheek!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

ChrisAnn said:


> Did my husband just hit on my 26 year old daughter? A daughter he has helped parent since 11?
> 
> My daughter has been visiting with her 2 kids for the last month. One day she tried on a dark lipstick that she doesn't usually wear. When my husband came home he commented to her that her makeup looked "goth".
> 
> Later on in the even after he started drinking I asked him to help me in the kitchen where my daughter was standing talking to me. After he completed the task I said "thank you honey". He responded, looking directly at my daughter:
> 
> I am a good husband, other than the fact that I have an insatiable appetite for women, especially the goth kind.
> 
> Needless to say I was pissed and we have been fighting ever since. He cries and says that he only meant to back track on any negative comment that he made earlier about her makeup....I am having a hard time believing him. Am I over reacting? I felt as though he was hitting on her.


He was flirting which could be harmless except for it being his stepdaughter.

Pretty damn stupid. Hopefully it was just the alcohol making him stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife

ChrisAnn said:


> Did my husband just hit on my 26 year old daughter? A daughter he has helped parent since 11?
> 
> My daughter has been visiting with her 2 kids for the last month. One day she tried on a dark lipstick that she doesn't usually wear. When my husband came home he commented to her that her makeup looked "goth".
> 
> Later on in the even after he started drinking I asked him to help me in the kitchen where my daughter was standing talking to me. After he completed the task I said "thank you honey". He responded, looking directly at my daughter:
> 
> I am a good husband, other than the fact that I have an insatiable appetite for women, especially the goth kind.
> 
> Needless to say I was pissed and we have been fighting ever since. He cries and says that he only meant to back track on any negative comment that he made earlier about her makeup....I am having a hard time believing him. Am I over reacting? I felt as though he was hitting on her.


"Insatiable Appetite" IS creepy. But he had been drinking and he did say it right in front of you, not like he was trying to be sly. Worrying that he hurt her feelings earlier with the "goth" comment, does make sense that he might try to say something to counter-balance that and he just bungled it.

Does he flirt with other women in general?

Can you pull your daughter aside and ask her if he's ever said or done anything inappropriate in her direction before?


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## jld

Alcohol tends to just let out what was in there all along. Sorry, I don't think it is any excuse.


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## Marc878

Alcohol is always used as a kind of excuse but it isn't.


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## thefam

Fifteen years should get the benefit of the doubt, especially since he had made a goth comment earlier. I know it must be very very difficult but try to think rationally, and if it doesn't add up then you have a problem. The 15 years with no priors is throwing me off.

But on the other hand, him crying about it is a red flag of sorts. 

1. Does he usually admit when he's wrong.
2. If you know a time when he was wrongfully accused, how did he ract?
3. How does he usually react to accusations from you?
4. How do your arguments usually happen?
5. Does he usually cry about stuff to you? Both literally and figuratively? cry?
6. Does he have any doormat qualities?

Do ask your daughter if he has ever said/done anything with just the tiniest bit of suspicion of abuse. Do ask your daughter to speak to her kids, too.


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## ChrisAnn

So I appreciate all the support. I decided to really think about her visit and any other "concerns". I have 2 other incidents, but don't know if they are concern value or not. Hel me decide.

1. We were sitting around a camp fire and the issue came up about dating, she is unmarried so dating can be a part of her life. My husband pipes up:

If I wad single or something happened to your mom I would definitely seek out red heads to date (my daughter is a red head). 

When I asked him why he said:

Red heads are attractive. I find red heads attractive. 

I don't know if it was directed toward her or not. Maybe a coincidence that she is also a red head?

Then their was one more incident that was kind of weird to me. 

2. We were at our sons baseball game and my daughter came later. She pulled up a chair next to my husband so that he was sitting between us. Out of no where he spouts out:

You two could pass as my sister wives....

Isn't that creepy as well? Or is it like he claims, just casual joking?

At this point I told him that I am going to leave him if he doesn't go into counseling to figure out why he has said these things, asap.

However part of me wonders if I should just leave his ass altogether.


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## SimplyAmorous

He most definitely has a thing / some fantasies about your daughter... and maybe any hot blooded man would.. but he shouldn't be verbalizing this in any way...and surely not any flirting, even lightly, towards her...but being careful to HOLD his boundaries..


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## 225985

ChrisAnn said:


> At this point I told him that I am going to leave him if he doesn't go into counseling to figure out why he has said these things, asap.


Good plan. Also tell him that you will join him at the fourth session to confirm 1) that he actually went and 2) he actually discussed the problem on hand.


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## ConanHub

ChrisAnn said:


> So I appreciate all the support. I decided to really think about her visit and any other "concerns". I have 2 other incidents, but don't know if they are concern value or not. Hel me decide.
> 
> 1. We were sitting around a camp fire and the issue came up about dating, she is unmarried so dating can be a part of her life. My husband pipes up:
> 
> If I wad single or something happened to your mom I would definitely seek out red heads to date (my daughter is a red head).
> 
> When I asked him why he said:
> 
> Red heads are attractive. I find red heads attractive.
> 
> I don't know if it was directed toward her or not. Maybe a coincidence that she is also a red head?
> 
> Then their was one more incident that was kind of weird to me.
> 
> 2. We were at our sons baseball game and my daughter came later. She pulled up a chair next to my husband so that he was sitting between us. Out of no where he spouts out:
> 
> You two could pass as my sister wives....
> 
> Isn't that creepy as well? Or is it like he claims, just casual joking?
> 
> At this point I told him that I am going to leave him if he doesn't go into counseling to figure out why he has said these things, asap.
> 
> However part of me wonders if I should just leave his ass altogether.


Considering this, I'm voting creepy! Once could be talked about and worked through.

This is a pattern! Yuk! I'm very sorry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58

Hmmm, sounds like a pattern. 
I don't know what to say. What one says tells a lot about what they think, obviously.
Question: Is the man a good husband and just has verbal vomit once in a while? Or is he just an overall a-hole???
The latter would likely get some consequences, the former would get a good old fashion tongue lashing and final warning about comments per staining to your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks

He may have been her stepfather for 15 years, but it doesn't mean he felt like a father to her. Yeah, she makes him nervous for some reason so he reacts with untoward stupidity. Do ask your daughter about any possible previous shenanigans. If my daughter were still at home, I would divorce him. The counseling may get to the bottom of this. If he is just plain attracted to her, what are you going to do?

A case can be made that he is just too stupid to be married.


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## Openminded

Some stepfathers don't view their stepdaughters as "off limits" to fantasize about -- although that's usually their dirty little secret and not something they make their wives aware of. But he has and now you know he doesn't view her as a daughter. And that he's fishing in those comments he's made around her (maybe hoping she'll respond in kind).


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## Catherine602

Yes, he is attracted to your daughter. It is not abnormal to feel an attraction to anyone but some attractions are inappropriate or deviant. Healthy people kill inappropriate and deviant thoughts in any way possible.

Your husband does not seem to realize that his attraction to his stepdaughter is deviant. Moreover, he does not have the empathy to realize that his expression of the attraction might alarm and hurt you and disturb your daughter. 

It might be best to probe gently into any possibility that he has been inappropriate with your daughter. She may not to say because she des not want to hurt you. 

This can't be the first time he has been inappropriate in important areas of your lives and he cannot have been a socially adept and sensitive man until now. Those are your issues, the stepdaughter issue is a symptom of deeper issues. 

Does he put you first in his life and do you do the same for him. Are you really happy with this man and is he someone you want to spend your future with? Think about the bigger issues and what you want to do.


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## Diana7

If this is the first time something like this has happened in 20 years then I think you are over reacting. He was drunk and said a stupid thing. Surely you would have noticed way before now if there was more to it than that???Your daughter isnt bothered. 
Cant believe some of the replies here, do people really want a marriage to end over a few words said while a bit drunk? Accept his apology and move on.


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## Diana7

Catherine602 said:


> Yes, he is attracted to your daughter. It is not perversive to feel an attraction to anyone but some attractions are inappropriate or deviant. Healthy people kill inappropriate and deviant thoughts in any way possible.
> 
> Your husband does not seem to realize that his attraction to his stepdaughter is deviant. Moreover, he does not have the empathy to realize that his expression of the attraction might alarm and hurt you and disturb your daughter.
> 
> It might be best to probe gently into any possibility that he has been inappropriate with your daughter. She may not to say because she des not want to hurt you.
> 
> This can't be the first time he has been inappropriate in important areas of your lives and he cannot have been a socially adept and sensitive man until now. Those are your issues, the stepdaughter issue is a symptom of deeper issues.
> 
> Does he put you first in his life and do you do the same for him. Are you really happy with this man and is he someone you want to spend your future with? Think about the bigger issues and what you want to do.


Good grief you are judging a man who you dont know a thing about.


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## Catherine602

Diana7 said:


> Good grief you are judging a man who you dont know a thing about.


What part am I judging - he is attracted to his stepdaughter or that his statements are inappropriate and careless of his wife's feelings or that his wife should think about what she wants.


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## NoChoice

OP,
I must concur with the general consensus in that your H's behavior, by way of his comments, is troubling. Perhaps he is experiencing some form of late mid life crisis but I do think it would behoove you to find the root cause. It sounds to me as though he may be fishing and that there could be serious issues if your daughter made any sort of responsive comment that he deemed as accepting. Please bear in mind that my comments are based on scant little information and absolutely no contextual reference so there is a relatively high possibility for error.

It sounds from your posts that you deem this whole situation reprehensible and given your actual participation in these events that does weigh significantly in my conclusions. However, it is also possible that there may exist other issues, of which I am ignorant, that may be causing you to present your H in a negative bias. If you would like a more accurate assessment you must supply additional information regarding his character, honesty and persona.


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## MarriedDude

I dont know about divorce over it. But, he sounds like he has a problem. Its not appropriate. I dont see men being attracted to young women they raise ir help raise as being normal. 

I, and many men i kniw have helped raise girls into women and i have not nor have i heard them or heard of them talking to theae young women that way. 

Inappropriate, deviant, creepy....pick a word. Its justjust wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug

ChrisAnn said:


> Did my husband just hit on my 26 year old daughter? A daughter he has helped parent since 11?
> 
> My daughter has been visiting with her 2 kids for the last month. One day she tried on a dark lipstick that she doesn't usually wear. When my husband came home he commented to her that her makeup looked "goth".
> 
> Later on in the even after he started drinking I asked him to help me in the kitchen where my daughter was standing talking to me. After he completed the task I said "thank you honey". He responded, looking directly at my daughter:
> 
> I am a good husband, other than the fact that I have an insatiable appetite for women, especially the goth kind.
> 
> Needless to say I was pissed and we have been fighting ever since. He cries and says that he only meant to back track on any negative comment that he made earlier about her makeup....I am having a hard time believing him. Am I over reacting? I felt as though he was hitting on her.



What he said was inappropriate.

And to your 26 year old daughter he helped raise, yikes.


Now this is a 26 year old grown mature woman in her prime. Dressing sexy, goth, black lipstick. Of course he's going to look and find her hot, but he should of shut his mouth.


Instead of getting angry, use this to your advantage. Do some Goth Cosplay. Black lipstick, clothes, etc. as a total surprise. See how he reacts......I bet he'd be all over you. So when he comes home from work, you are already dressed up Goth.

Now you know one of his fantasies. Use this to your advantage.


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## ChrisAnn

I am down for role playing but I think that this whole situation is beyond role play. Thanks to his forum I have been able to kind of narrow my focus. What I have come to believe at this point:

1. He wants to be a good husband, and for the most part he is.
2. He feels as though he can't be faithful to me, due to his "insatiable desire for women".
3. He was testing the water with my daughter to guage her response.

Any ideas?


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## ChrisAnn

I come back to the initial statement that set me off to begin with and find those 3 elements essential, the 3 statements he made related to his "insatiable desire for women".

I have come to realize that the creep factor is irrelevant as someone pointed out, he doesn't see her as a daughter. He sees her quite differently. Here is the biggest delima. I am now wondering if he wasn't trying to groom her to guage her responses to see if she was receptive or not.

And that is the part that bothers me.

Is he a serial cheater just waiting for an opportunity?

The other problem is that he won't admit to anything other than making a stupid comment. A comment that he continues to claim as a way to make up for any negative comments he may have made earlier.

My fear is that he doesn't believe he can or should be faithful.

I continue to fight with him and I continue to maintain that I will seek divorce if he doesn't go to counseling to explore these concerns of mine.

He continues to deny my concerns


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## CuddleBug

I also have an insatiable desire for women. But to minimize that, Mrs.CuddleBug cuts my hair, I don't go to the mall or beaches, and I have a sex toy to get it out of my system when the mood strikes me really bad and I still on occasion view porn. Not proud of this but she is LD and LD's don't change.

If your hubby was going to cheat on you, he probably would of done it already.

This isn't warrant for divorce.

He is a HD guy and HD guys need sex almost all the time and adventurous sex. I am the same way.


When I worked at that electronics company, a coworker had her 16 year old daughter work beside me doing electronic assembly. She was hot!!!! We hit it off. I listened to her and we just got along great. Even flirty. Now, I really had to be careful what I said and did because I am a horn dog and I will not disrespect her mom, 40 years old, across the next electronic isle from me. It took discipline on my part but I kept myself in check


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## jld

I think you are bending over backward just giving him the chance to save the relationship through counseling. I would be done with the guy yesterday. Denying your concerns, imo, is an obvious deal breaker.

OP, if this were your mother with your stepfather, and you were the 26 year old daughter, what would you want your mom to do?


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## *Deidre*

Something tells me this wasn't his first comment. It's just the first you heard.


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## ChrisAnn

Question for cuddlebug

Thank you so much for your honesty. Just have to ask, and from what I can discern, you wouldn't make an INNAPROPRIATE sexually suggestive comment to a step daughter....would you? It sounds like while you are sexually realized, you make the choice to control it. 

I am wondering if my husband isn't in all actuality looking to have an affair.


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## ChrisAnn

If I were my stepdaughter....I would be deeply concerned. I would tell my mother that my step father just told me that my mother wasn't satisfying enough and that my step father just hit on me.

My daughter did nothing, didn't even respond to him so I even wonder d if she even heard him.


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## dash74

CA,

I had a coworker start acting weird, throwing out inappropriate comments and emails turns out he had a brain tumor 

It's something to think about if he had no prior instance of this behavior


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## anonmd

ChrisAnn said:


> Question for cuddlebug
> 
> Thank you so much for your honesty. Just have to ask, and from what I can discern, you wouldn't make an INNAPROPRIATE sexually suggestive comment to a step daughter....would you? It sounds like while you are sexually realized, you make the choice to control it.
> 
> I am wondering if my husband isn't in all actuality looking to have an affair.


He was drunk. People say things they would not normally say when hammered. 

I do find the whole thing troubling so don't get me wrong here, but here are a few thoughts. 

He's been parenting since 11 and she is 26. Did she move out at 18? That is 7 years, not that long, she's not his biological child, does he have any? 

He may well not have ANY parental attachment as you think of it as a women! Does not excuse the comments but it doesn't make him a pedofile either. 

As far as the 'is he thinking of having an affair' questions go. Maybe or maybe not, how has the rest of the relationship been if this hadn't occurred? 

I do think many women have some strange ideas about how men think. I've never cheated on my wife, don't comment to her on what I think of other women for the most part (might make an occasional comment about some unobtainable super model for instance) and don't think about having an affair - even when I'm not too happy with her at times. 

BUT, I am a male with a normal sex drive which means I think about that many times a day. To include mentally evaluating lot's of women passersby, you'd probably be appalled:wink2:


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## WorkingWife

I think this is a great, very insightful post.



Catherine602 said:


> Yes, he is attracted to your daughter. It is not perversive to feel an attraction to anyone but some attractions are inappropriate or deviant. Healthy people kill inappropriate and deviant thoughts in any way possible.
> 
> Your husband does not seem to realize that his attraction to his stepdaughter is deviant. Moreover, he does not have the empathy to realize that his expression of the attraction might alarm and hurt you and disturb your daughter.
> 
> It might be best to probe gently into any possibility that he has been inappropriate with your daughter. She may not to say because she does not want to hurt you.
> 
> This can't be the first time he has been inappropriate in important areas of your lives and he cannot have been a socially adept and sensitive man until now. Those are your issues, the stepdaughter issue is a symptom of deeper issues.


 @ChrissAnn: 
I would definitely probe with your stepdaughter, find out how SHE took the comments and if she's ever gotten any weird vibes from him. The fact that he said these things right in front of you indicate to me that either 1) He has no idea he's being inappropriate or 2) His attraction is so strong to him he can't tamp it down, even in front of his wife.



Catherine602 said:


> Does he put you first in his life and do you do the same for him. Are you really happy with this man and is he someone you want to spend your future with? Think about the bigger issues and what you want to do.


This is a good question -- ChrisAnn, you said in another post that maybe you should just leave him. 

I guess I'm the odd man out here because none of these comments seem *that *inappropriate to me. (The first, drunk one was creepy but in isolation would rate a "WTH were you thinking?" conversation later, not crying and begging for forgiveness. (Though the crying is actually more suspicious than the comment unless you unless your really freaked on him and said you were leaving.)

But it seems to me that something else does not feel right in your marriage on some level or you wouldn't have escalated from "Is this inappropriate?" to "I should leave his ass" in a day. 

When you said maybe you should just leave his ass - that sounds cold like you're almost looking for a reason to get out of this marriage. I'd have to hear his tone and see his expression but these comments in themselves don't seem like divorce material to me.

Is your daughter insecure about dating and her looks in general? If so, the "I like redheads" sounds to me like it could be a confidence booster he was throwing out to your daughter if she's ever indicated she feels less attractive to men as a redhead. And the sister wives could even be a compliment to you -- you look so young you could be mistaken for your daughter's sister. That's not to say "sister wives" doesn't also have a creepy vibe to it. And he's rather pleased with himself if he thinks people will mistake someone your daughter's age for his wife. OK, it IS a weird comment but to me it could be just cluelessness as much as hitting on her. Does he make a lot of comments you find questionable?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no, I don't think these comments on their own are *proof* that hubby's a perv hitting on your daughter. But if your gut reacted to them then there is probably a reason - something going on with his energy around her in general, or something that feels lacking/off in your relationship with him, that's been niggling at your subconscious.

Did you ever say anything to him about these other two comments? I'm curios what he said and what your daughter's take is on all this.


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## WorkingWife

ChrisAnn said:


> My fear is that he doesn't believe he can or should be faithful.
> 
> I continue to fight with him and I continue to maintain that I will seek divorce if he doesn't go to counseling to explore these concerns of mine.
> 
> He continues to deny my concerns


THIS is a huge problem. If you have concerns, even if they were completely unfounded (which they are not), you need to have your spouse take you seriously.

Right now, during these arguments -- is he saying that he absolutely believes he can/should/will be 100% faithful? 

I guess the answer doesn't mean too much if he is saying YES because that's what serial cheaters say. Do the two of you have total transparency where you always know where the other is, can pick up and look at each other's email/texts no problem, etc?

The fact that he's not willing to address your concern and reassure you is what is troubling. Are you asking in a calm, reasoned manner? "I'm not accusing you of anything, I am saying this is what I need to feel secure enough to be happily married?"


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## Bobby5000

I think its serious enough that you need to ask daughter if there ever was a problem or concern. If not, then I would say he gets a pass for one mistake.


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## ChrisAnn

Cuddlebug, I would not be appalled...lol 

As a young woman, before my marriage, I hung around a pretty rough bunch of guys, that all spoke freely in front of me. 

I just think he knows better, I wouldn't see him say that shat to any of his co-workers at work. Obviously he has some moral gauge. Wtf he thinks he can say shat like that to my daughter, and why is my main issue.

Why he is trying to put a ridiculous spin on it is also suspect....

Like I say, I am down for some goth role play...may even be fun...but the moment my daughter was brought into it.....

I wish he would just be fricken honest. I would then have an opportunity to discuss it all rationally with him. The fact that he won't just be straight forward, I think, makes me feel like he is a sleeZeball...hiding things from his wife


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## CuddleBug

ChrisAnn said:


> Question for cuddlebug
> 
> Thank you so much for your honesty. Just have to ask, and from what I can discern, you wouldn't make an INNAPROPRIATE sexually suggestive comment to a step daughter....would you? It sounds like while you are sexually realized, you make the choice to control it.
> 
> I am wondering if my husband isn't in all actuality looking to have an affair.



Would I make a sexual comment to my step daughter if I had one? NO.

I would think it, look, but my mouth stays shut.

Yup, I do control myself for the most part and its not easy.


All your hubby has to do is go to a bar and wear his wedding ring. Ladies will see this, forbidden fruit and hit on him. He hits on them back and they go to have sex.

Or he goes to dating sex/hookup sites.


If he wanted to cheat on you, he could do so easily. I know I could without Mrs.CuddleBug knowing as well.

But I look, fantasize, but no touching and keep my mouth shut.


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## Catherine602

anonmd said:


> He was drunk. People say things they would not normally say when hammered.
> 
> I do find the whole thing troubling so don't get me wrong here, but here are a few thoughts.
> 
> He's been parenting since 11 and she is 26. Did she move out at 18? That is 7 years, not that long, she's not his biological child, does he have any?
> 
> He may well not have ANY parental attachment as you think of it as a women! Does not excuse the comments but it doesn't make him a pedofile either.
> 
> BUT, I am a male with a normal sex drive which means I think about that many times a day. To include mentally evaluating lot's of women passersby, you'd probably be appalled:wink2:


Feeling sexual attraction to random people is not confined to men and is normal. What is not normal is expressing the feelings for a stepchild to a spouse. Some compassion and empathy for his wife would go a long way to helping her. 

OP you need to decide what you think all of this means. You know your husband, his past behavior and any other breaks in normality. Anything that you have overlooked in the past, look at again. Is he sa elfish, and inconsiderate, person? 

As for his refusal to see this as serious - if it is serious for you then it should be so for him. He does not see it that way. That frees you up to choose which of his concerns you want to consider serious. Let him know that you will give as much as you get. 

BTW The idea of making yourself look like your daughter to suit your husband is repugnant. Zero self-respect.


----------



## CuddleBug

ChrisAnn said:


> Cuddlebug, I would not be appalled...lol
> 
> As a young woman, before my marriage, I hung around a pretty rough bunch of guys, that all spoke freely in front of me.
> 
> I just think he knows better, I wouldn't see him say that shat to any of his co-workers at work. Obviously he has some moral gauge. Wtf he thinks he can say shat like that to my daughter, and why is my main issue.
> 
> Why he is trying to put a ridiculous spin on it is also suspect....
> 
> Like I say, I am down for some goth role play...may even be fun...but the moment my daughter was brought into it.....
> 
> I wish he would just be fricken honest. I would then have an opportunity to discuss it all rationally with him. The fact that he won't just be straight forward, I think, makes me feel like he is a sleeZeball...hiding things from his wife



Talk to him. Tell him talking like that is pissing you off and a no no. He'll get the message.

Us men aren't as rational as you may think. We are walking hormones. Women know this and dress even sexier and more revealing.


----------



## ChrisAnn

Thanks working wife...you bring up a lot of good points, and to be fair I had my daughter at 18 diner can easily pass as sisters. 

I think the reason I am feeling like ending this is because I am feeling hopeless that he is not being transparent with me....

Like I say, bring in the role play...

I feel like he is lying to me, and I think that is the worse if it all. It tears Sparta relationship because it opens up room for the mind to wander into the "what else is he hiding and/or lying to me about.

I guess we will see how committed he is if he goes ahead and makes that appointment with a marriage counselor come Monday.

I just know that I have to have honesty in a relationship and I feel as though he is not being truthful.


----------



## ChrisAnn

Darn auto correct on these phones!

Lol


----------



## TiggyBlue

I had a uncle (by marriage) who did the same type of thing when I was 20, it made things pretty uncomfortable for awhile. 
I guess all you can do is see what your daughter thinks about the comments made.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

CuddleBug said:


> Instead of getting angry, use this to your advantage. Do some Goth Cosplay. Black lipstick, clothes, etc. as a total surprise. See how he reacts......I bet he'd be all over you. So when he comes home from work, you are already dressed up Goth.
> 
> Now you know one of his fantasies. Use this to your advantage.


 Sorry, I understand what you are trying to say, but all of this is related to her DAUGHTER. Now, this is in her head and she knows how it came about. This isn't some shared fantasy where he said "I like redheads and I like goths," even IF it has nothing to do with her daughter.


While I think it is very questionable, deserves a serious talk with both parties, be careful playing the 20/20 hindsight game. 

The sister wives comment doesn't bother me as much because they were all over the TV at one point. I'm wondering if he could have been poorly complimenting you on how young you look. No, it isn't always used as an attempt to hit on a woman.


----------



## ChrisAnn

What ever happened with the creepy uncle? Did he ever actualize in any of his creepy comments with you or anyone else that you know of?


----------



## ChrisAnn

I keep coming back to these thoughts that he might be a sleeZeball that is hiding things from me.

I'd rather have him admit it, if he was feeling her out, so that we can discuss it, explore the "why" as long as he hasn't acted in any of it.

I keep coming back to "what other things may he be hiding from me?".

I can't shake the feeling that he is giving me bull**** answers and that we can't move forward with an open conversation instead of going in circles.....


----------



## TiggyBlue

No, my uncle stopped promptly after I called him out on the comments, he wasn't happy and it was very awkward for awhile but I think he realized he was the only person who found the comments 'funny'.


----------



## ChrisAnn

I'm glad to hear that the creepy uncle knocked his crap off! 

Gives me a little hope that there may just be dumbarses out there that just flap their mouths.

On the other hand, how do you think he would have progressed had you laughed at his stupid jokes or appeared receptive?


----------



## ChrisAnn

At this point I think I am hoping that through a counselor maybe he'll feel safe enough to just be fricken honest, either that or completely convince a neutral party, as well as myself, that this situation is as he claims it to be.

It's just disgusting to me because he has known her from 11 years on until she moved out at 18. She will always be a little girl in my eyes. MY little girl.


----------



## TiggyBlue

I don't think he would have tried anything. I can't properly think about what possibly would have happened had I appeared receptive (it's to creepy to imagine lol) but I'm pretty sure nothing would have progressed.


----------



## ChrisAnn

So it is "possible" that he is just running his mouth and wouldn't actually try anything???

Opinions????


----------



## Evinrude58

Anything is possible.

You know him better than we do!

You can punish him with counseling all you want. It's not going to change him if he thinks your daughter is a hottie and wants to have sex with her.

If he hasn't cheated on you, and hasn't done anything inappropriate with your daughter other than his nasty, inappropriate comments on front of you, where's the reason for divorce? Are you so hurt because what he said was so gross, or because you are jealous?
Again, what has the man actually done? Yeah, I'd ask your daughter if he'd ever done anything inApprpriate and if he had, divorce him if you want. If not, ask her what she thinks. You and she know him far better than us.
I agree what he said raises questions. Does it warrant divorce? Only you can make that call.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

ChrisAnn said:


> So it is "possible" that he is just running his mouth and wouldn't actually try anything???
> 
> Opinions????


If this is the only time he's ever done/said anything inappropraite towards her, I'd let it go.


----------



## ConanHub

EleGirl said:


> If this is the only time he's ever done/said anything inappropraite towards her, I'd let it go.


There has been about three uncouth comments concerning or in connection with her daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ChrisAnn

I see your points. It's not jealousy, she looks a lot like me, it's disgust. He has acted as a "parental figure" since the age of 11.

The issues are the disgust and the aftermath of wondering if he is trustworthy, or not. Also it feels like he had no respect for me throughout this. He would never made any ridiculous comments about my daughter had he been respectful and caring about how his comments may have hurt me, and my daughter.

I also have to wonder if he has been harboring secret feelings about more daughter and if so, for how long? As a young girl? As a young teenager?

I think that the questions just eat at me and I am feeling like I can find no resolve because I can't stop thinking:

Is he lying about all this that has happened. 

Maybe the real issue here is "trust".


----------



## ChrisAnn

Also I would like to think that the man I am married to has only "good intentions" toward me and our relationship.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

I would say he meant it - in vino veritas, classically. He might not have meant anything physcal by it, and it might have been "in passing", moderately innocuous; but it is indeed entirely inappropriate and he MUST understand that such behaviors are how things get out of hand, and due to his "mistake" he won't get to spend time with the children etc. Even "as a mistake", such activities are not tolerated in current society (and since he doesn't know to behave himself, that means he has to be watched)


----------



## Blondilocks

I have known (unfortunately) men who when they get around a pretty young thing will start the "look at me" dance. They want that attention and it doesn't occur to them that what they want is inappropriate. It's like they are trying to prove they're still hip. It's embarrassing to observe and uncomfortable for the pretty young thing. Your husband may be inflicted by this malady and is so stupid to boot that he doesn't realize that the pretty young thing is his step-daughter.

Reminds me of Ryan O'Neal hitting on Tatum at Farrah's funeral. The man was so drunk he didn't recognize his own daughter.


----------



## sscygni

Diana7 said:


> If this is the first time something like this has happened in 20 years then I think you are over reacting. He was drunk and said a stupid thing. Surely you would have noticed way before now if there was more to it than that???Your daughter isnt bothered.
> Cant believe some of the replies here, do people really want a marriage to end over a few words said while a bit drunk? Accept his apology and move on.


Honestly, that does seem to be a recurring theme in my short time on this forum. Wife doesnt put out often enough - Divorce Her! Husband forgot flowers on your birthday - Divorce him! No wonder the divorce rate is so high in this country. Its like a Seinfeld Episode. Man Hands??? Divorce...


----------



## AliceA

ChrisAnn said:


> So it is "possible" that he is just running his mouth and wouldn't actually try anything???
> 
> Opinions????


I think he is very attracted to your daughter (given the repeated sexual innuendos at different occasions, in front of you, making you wonder what you HAVEN'T heard). I think that if she gave the slightest hint that she was open to his advances that he would be in like Flynn.

Having your husband chase your daughter is an insanely sick and twisted situation to be in. I don't know what I'd do in your situation but I know that I'd be concerned that if I divorced him, he would be free to work on his seduction with my daughter.


----------



## jld

ChrisAnn said:


> If I were my stepdaughter....I would be deeply concerned. I would tell my mother that my step father just told me that my mother wasn't satisfying enough and that my step father just hit on me.
> 
> My daughter did nothing, didn't even respond to him so I even wonder d if she even heard him.


If she knows you love him and do not really want to leave him, she might just be trying to ignore what he says. I doubt she does not really hear it. 

She may feel that it would be putting you on the spot if she were to confront him. And she might not want to face it if she feels that if it came down to it, you would choose to stay with him even knowing what he had said/done/thought to/about her.

For myself, I could not choose a spouse over a child. I certainly could not blame alcohol as a way to excuse his behavior. I don't think the law allows for that, either.

But ultimately it is your choice what you do. Lots of women stay with men who have outright molested their children. They just cannot bring themselves to leave.

Your situation is obviously more borderline. Just be ready for your daughter to suddenly cut contact with you someday if she decides that is the safest, most comfortable route for her and her children.

Just to confirm, you have not yet talked to your daughter directly about what she has felt/heard/actually experienced from him?


----------



## Openminded

No one knows what inappropriate thoughts lurk in someone's head until they say them (or act on them). He's attracted to her and for whatever reason he's let that leak. Doesn't mean he will ever act. Or he could. That's the unknown factor and maybe even he doesn't know what he would do if the opportunity presented itself. 

He'll probably continue to play it off as a joke or he'll come up with some other story he thinks you'll buy. But the truth is simple -- he's attracted to your daughter. Maybe it's a recent attraction and maybe it's been there for a long time. Maybe he can learn to keep his mouth shut and stop letting you know how he feels. Who knows. But the attraction will still be there. Some people could live with that and some people couldn't. Only you know which one you are.


----------



## richie33

You want out of the marriage, you don't need strangers opinions to help you with that. You are going on and on about the comment he made to your daughter but he continues to tell you he is not sure he can stay faithful. Believe people words when they say them to your face.


----------



## Lostme

Sounds like he needs to stop drinking along with getting counseling.

I find it disgusting that comments like that would even come out of his mouth, he needs to show you and your daughter more respect than that.


----------



## Evinrude58

The daughter is 26. Why not just ask her if the guy has done anything inappropriate in the past?

If not, what has he done other than this to make you think he's a bad guy? 

Yes, what he has said in three different situations shows he is thinking about your daughter. I can see why you're disgusted. He should be ashamed. He's crying, sounds like he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aine

No you did not overreact.

Have you felt uncomfortable about his comments/behaviour before?

Lie low for a while and just observe him and what he says. He may heave been drunk and just said something stupid, alcohol lowers inhibitions.


----------



## jld

Alcohol just reveals who we are; it does not make us into different people. And he was not drinking when he made the other comments.


----------



## richie33

jld said:


> Alcohol just reveals who we are; it does not make us into different people. And he was not drinking when he made the other comments.


Husbands comments were creepy and should set off red flags. But I have known many alcoholics who are two different people when drunk.


----------



## jld

richie33 said:


> Husbands comments were creepy and should set off red flags. But I have known many alcoholics who are two different people when drunk.


When my dad stopped drinking, he just became a dry drunk. My mom could not blame it on the alcohol anymore.

I think alcohol just reveals our inner selves. And if I were the OP, I would not try to rationalize what she heard.


----------



## richie33

jld said:


> When my dad stopped drinking, he just became a dry drunk. My mom could not blame it on the alcohol anymore.
> 
> I think alcohol just reveals our inner selves. And if I were the OP, I would not try to rationalize what she heard.


My brother was two different people. I am not a big fan on blanket statements.


----------



## jld

richie33 said:


> My brother was two different people. I am not a big fan on blanket statements.


I understand we see this differently, and I appreciate your sharing your experience.

But getting back to the OP, her husband made questionable statements both when he was drinking and when he was not. The underlying character seems the same.


----------



## ne9907

I would advice you to talk to your daughter and find out if anything inappropriate has ever happened with your husband.

Here is my story.

I was married for 15 years. During those 15 years of marriage a niece of mine lived with us for two years. She was underage during that time. 

I do not remember any red flags, except one single off hand comment he made. He said to me my niece had tried to seduce him once while she was smoking weed.

Well.... I left my ex. After I left him. Another niece mentioned how ex would send her creepy messages on FB, another mentioned how once or twice ex would say
something overly sexual to her. All my female relatives were happy I left him.

The niece who lived with us confessed to me that ex had sexually abused her when she was 14 year old. Regardless of whether she was high or a willing participant is not important. She was a child. Ex and I were charged in protecting her. I have gone to therapy to heal, however the instinct and suspicion remains whenever an adult makes a creepy comment towards a child or any member of my family.

Talk to your daughter.


----------



## Marische

ChrisAnn said:


> Did my husband just hit on my 26 year old daughter? A daughter he has helped parent since 11?
> 
> My daughter has been visiting with her 2 kids for the last month. One day she tried on a dark lipstick that she doesn't usually wear. When my husband came home he commented to her that her makeup looked "goth".
> 
> Later on in the even after he started drinking I asked him to help me in the kitchen where my daughter was standing talking to me. After he completed the task I said "thank you honey". He responded, looking directly at my daughter:
> 
> I am a good husband, other than the fact that I have an insatiable appetite for women, especially the goth kind.
> 
> Needless to say I was pissed and we have been fighting ever since. He cries and says that he only meant to back track on any negative comment that he made earlier about her makeup....I am having a hard time believing him. Am I over reacting? I felt as though he was hitting on her.


his joke was inapropriate but it was only a joke...


----------



## Mclane

So what he's got a thing for your 20 something daughter. She's not his flesh and blood, he hasn't acted on his urges, he occasionally says inappropriate things when he's drunk that doesn't bother her; there are worse problems to have.

Let it go, we've all got our quirks.


----------



## Catherine602

Nothing wrong with a laissez faire attitude for some things in a relationship in the spirit of go-along-to-get-along. But this is important because you are important OP, this is not the time to go along as if your feelings don't matter. It does not matter how many people say it no big deal. It is a big deal for you and that is all someone who loves you needs to know. 

At some point you need to draw a line in the sand or getting along will roll right over you. If his positive characteristics greatly outweigh the negative and these insensitive remarks are unusual, then resolve the issue to your satisfaction after which you can both move on. If he refuses to acknowledge your feelings of concern then you know how important your feelings are to him. 

Look at the rest of the relationship and determine if you are the one doing most of the giving. Remember to give as much as you get. If he does not hold your feelings in high regard them treat his feelings the same way. Ask yourself if he is worth the trouble.


----------



## Starstarfish

Mclane said:


> So what he's got a thing for your 20 something daughter. She's not his flesh and blood, he hasn't acted on his urges, he occasionally says inappropriate things when he's drunk that doesn't bother her; there are worse problems to have.
> 
> Let it go, we've all got our quirks.


He hasn't acted on it that she knows of. 

I'm sure this is what Mia Farrow told herself too. 

Every problem on this board arguable has things that are "worse problems" people here have internet access at least some of the time, that makes them better off than the majority of people in the rest of the world. But that doesn't somehow make their problems less important to them. 

Having another woman in the house that your husband has clear interest in is an issue, even aside from the creep fact of hitting on the step-daughter. So that's beyond a "quirk."


----------



## Mclane

Starstarfish said:


> Having another woman in the house that your husband has clear interest in is an issue


Does the daughter live there? I was under the impression that she only visited on occasion.


----------



## ConanHub

If I were in your shoes and my wife had made comments both sober and drunk about being sexually interested in her stepson, I would either take her to my dungeon and spank her ass until it was purple or divorce her.

No get out of jail free card with this behavior.

Maybe let him explain his interest in your daughter to her real dad?

This guy needs his dumb ass kicked.

Stupid only gets excused so far.

I don't care how stupid he is, crossing certain boundaries has repercussions.

Maybe he is too dumb to be married.

What does your daughter think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 225985

I know it is not possible, but pictures here sure would help. Most like OP and daughter are attractive, look similar, and guys are bad at judging ages. He is just a stupid jerk that does not know when to keep his mouth shut. He has poor filters. If this is just a one-off or two-off, I would over look it. If it is indicative of his general behavior, he needs to be kicked to the curb. 

I think he already has two strikes. One more and he is OUT.


----------



## Blondilocks

Good thing marriage isn't a game of baseball. If I had to monitor my husband to make sure he wasn't imposing himself on my daughter, he'd be gone. Life is too short for that nonsense.

How is the OP suppose to be intimate with her husband? Will the image of him and her daughter dance in her head? Does she want to be married to a stupid jerk who does not know when to keep his mouth shut?


----------



## Holland

Reverse the roles, the OP has sexual feelings towards her stepson and makes comments about him in front of the husband, would people say it was no big deal then?

OP your husband is not only a sicko but he is a fool. Sorry but nothing would turn me off faster than a sicko fool.


----------



## john117

Glad to see groupthink has already decided


----------



## Starstarfish

I know that having the hots on your stepdaughter is probably more common in McMansion land John, but amongst the plebs it's creepy.


----------



## john117

I don't know where you live, but there's far fewer entries in the sexual predator database map in higher income areas than in lower income areas around here (Midwestern USA).

For the specific case, men say stupid things all the time. I have two daughters and I'm pretty concerned about them but I have also told them that men will make dumb comments at times, be it young men or old men.

If we are he!! bent on finding inappropriate words everywhere, surprise, we will find them. A confident young lady at that age knows from context and other behavioral cues whether it's a serious comment or a dumb one and acts accordingly.


----------



## always_alone

john117 said:


> If we are he!! bent on finding inappropriate words everywhere, surprise, we will find them. A confident young lady at that age knows from context and other behavioral cues whether it's a serious comment or a dumb one and acts accordingly.


Most likely she'll just think to herself "what a gross old dude" and keep her distance. And feel sorry for her mother.

Smart confident young women know that for some stupid reason all sorts of annoying, inappropriate behaviour is excused as "boys being boys" and then handed over to them to manage.


----------



## BioFury

What his statement means is largely dependent on his personality and character.

I know some people who have a talent for saying stupid things without realizing what they just said. If that sounds a bit like him, then he could have just had a blonde moment and really screwed up whatever idea he was trying to translate into speech.

He is your husband, so if he really did have sinister intentions, I would think you'd have seen them come up during the previous 15 years of marriage.


----------



## john117

always_alone said:


> Most likely she'll just think to herself "what a gross old dude" and keep her distance. And feel sorry for her mother.
> 
> Smart confident young women know that for some stupid reason all sorts of annoying, inappropriate behaviour is excused as "boys being boys" and then handed over to them to manage.


Exactly. Except the behavior is explained as boys will be boys, not excused. 

Most men that didn't raise daughters may be newbies to the art of seeing things from that viewpoint... .


----------



## Starstarfish

Any crime database is based on who is caught and convicted, not a statistic of guilt. That wealthier people aren't convicted of crimes as often is as much a question of the power of a better lawyer than a question if they've actually committed the crime.


----------



## john117

Starstarfish said:


> Any crime database is based on who is caught and convicted, not a statistic of guilt. That wealthier people aren't convicted of crimes as often is as much a question of the power of a better lawyer than a question if they've actually committed the crime.


I must have secretly teleported to my wife's birth country where the theocratic justice system is guilty until proven otherwise 

I recall one of DD2's favorite HS teachers got similarly kangaroo court martialed. A very capable science teacher, boys running coach and marching band head coach (Mr. Triathlon) was named in allegations of, ehem, inappropriate touching while teaching marching band... Nothing came of it except ruining his chances for department head...

DD2 was in his class for 2 years, a very small class of 10 kids, and she reported he was as professional as it gets. But one allegation killed his chances of advancement.

As I said, it's all about raising confident young women who can and will deal with immature young (or old) men. But Heaven help us if we start prosecutions for thoughts. It's a very slippery path to take.


----------



## Blondilocks

"it's all about raising confident young women who can and will deal with immature young (or old) men."

Why isn't it all about raising confident young men who know that women aren't objects and it's best to keep their mouths shut rather than prove they're stupid.


----------



## always_alone

Blondilocks said:


> "it's all about raising confident young women who can and will deal with immature young (or old) men."
> 
> Why isn't it all about raising confident young men who know that women aren't objects and it's best to keep their mouths shut rather than prove they're stupid.


Exactly! "Boys will be boys" is not an explanation at all, it is pure excuse. They do whatever they want and everyone says, "oh well, too bad, that's what boys do."


----------



## tech-novelist

richie33 said:


> Husbands comments were creepy and should set off red flags. But I have known many alcoholics who are two different people when drunk.


But they are only one different person when sober?


----------



## always_alone

john117 said:


> But Heaven help us if we start prosecutions for thoughts. It's a very slippery path to take.


Yet you agree that the smart young confident women would realize "gross old dude" and keep her distance.

That is, she sees the red flags, and for her own self-preservation and comfort, she polices the situation. 

What I'm saying here is that you're defending something that has already happened, and not just in thought. What would you counsel your daughters in this same situation?

And you're still going to poke at people for having essentially the same reaction?


----------



## Mclane

Starstarfish said:


> I know that having the hots on your stepdaughter is probably more common in McMansion land


Nah, guys are the same everywhere, it's just that people living in trailers usually can't afford to pay higher legal fees and avoid criminal charges.


----------



## john117

Blondilocks said:


> Why isn't it all about raising confident young men who know that women aren't objects and it's best to keep their mouths shut rather than prove they're stupid.


Because of stereotypes, media, rampant sexual repression, and lots more undesirable side effects of our culture.


----------



## john117

always_alone said:


> Yet you agree that the smart young confident women would realize "gross old dude" and keep her distance.
> 
> That is, she sees the red flags, and for her own self-preservation and comfort, she polices the situation.
> 
> What I'm saying here is that you're defending something that has already happened, and not just in thought. What would you counsel your daughters in this same situation?
> 
> And you're still going to poke at people for having essentially the same reaction?


One is an internal reaction - gross old dude - and the other an external reaction - actually speaking the words.

One does not offend others, the other does. They're both harmless but some thoughts are better left unsaid.

My daughters would probably react in different ways. DD1 would chuckle and walk away - gross old dude approach - while DD2 would likely engage the guy and embarrass him a bit... 

But the bottom line is, they both know that God loves stupid people since He made so many of them...


----------



## TiggyBlue

External reactions aren't always harmless.


----------



## john117

One is a bit more harmless than the other...


----------



## TiggyBlue

Holland said:


> Reverse the roles, the OP has sexual feelings towards her stepson and makes comments about him in front of the husband, would people say it was no big deal then?
> .


I'm pretty sure '$h!t test' thrown around if it was a female lol


----------



## MachoMcCoy

I worry about all of the women who don't think that their male BFF would ever boink them. EW!! He's like a brother, right? Well, I would go so far as to say he's masturbated, many times, while thinking of ALL kinds of different things he'd do to you. Most of those fantasy sessions include you're hot friend too. Probably some coke...

Which makes me worry all the more about the women who bring daughters into a second marriage. 

Just sayin'


----------



## always_alone

john117 said:


> One is an internal reaction - gross old dude - and the other an external reaction - actually speaking the words.
> 
> One does not offend others, the other does. They're both harmless but some thoughts are better left unsaid.
> 
> My daughters would probably react in different ways. DD1 would chuckle and walk away - gross old dude approach - while DD2 would likely engage the guy and embarrass him a bit...
> 
> .


Wait, you're confusing me. Are you saying that the daughter's reaction is harmful in the same way as gross old dude's comment? Personally, I tend to think gross old dudes benefit from being called on their sh1t. If we're lucky they might learn something.

Speaking for myself, guys that treat women like objects pretty much instantly lose my respect, and if they ever had it, my desire. And my interest in treating them like anything but skeevy and gross.

Honestly, I wouldn't blame OP if she lost all desire to even be around this guy anymore, let alone be intimate or lovey dovey with him. Cuz ewww. And blech.


----------



## always_alone

notmyrealname4 said:


> Your husband is undoubtedly attracted to many other women, and you are attracted to other men. It's the fact that this is your daughter. I'm sorry you got your face rubbed in this; it's probably a much more common attraction than is admitted to.


This point has already been made, but I feel the need to underscore. If I were drunk and leering at just about anyone (that is even leaving out the incestuous aspect), saying "I have an insatiable appetite for men. Particularly [fill in the blank] men," I'm pretty certain my SO would find this troublesome. And a lot of the guys here defending it as "harmless" would suddenly realize the harm.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

Just be careful. He very well MAY have been joking and it came out wrong. It's happened to all of us, right?


----------



## john117

notmyrealname4 said:


> @john117 do you really think we live in a sexually repressed society????.


We as in America? Yep, big time.

Growing up in the backwaters of not quite wealthy and industrialized Europe we were conservative but not prude. Women did not show off their wares the way it's done here in public. We saw more action in the village than our city friends ever did . Game of Thrones quality and quantity - what else is there to do in a village of a few hundred?

In my view American sexuality took a nosedive after the free love of the 1960's. The Disco decade and the Greed decade kept pushing the idea of sex down, all while promoting sex in the media. 

Frankly speaking, when Hollywood produces another Barbarella movie I will say we are sexually liberated. Maybe living in the Midwest or Deep South my view is tainted and West Coast is the epicenter of sexual freedom, but I'm not quite sure yet.


----------



## john117

always_alone said:


> Wait, you're confusing me. Are you saying that the daughter's reaction is harmful in the same way as gross old dude's comment? Personally, I tend to think gross old dudes benefit from being called on their sh1t. If we're lucky they might learn something..


Depends on context. And amount. If it happened 3 times in 20 years vs 3 times in 20 days, and so on. 

People should be called out for their sh!t, definitely. And carefully watched in case more than thoughts are in the making  

Assume most people are stupid and life works out a lot better...


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## richie33

tech-novelist said:


> But they are only one different person when sober?


Good catch. Sorry if you didn't understand what I meant.


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## tech-novelist

richie33 said:


> Good catch. Sorry if you didn't understand what I meant.


No, I understood you. I was just pulling your chain a bit. >


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## SunnyT

If your husband is hitting on your daughter..... natural horomones or whatever.... it's got to be a HUGE turnoff for the wife. And I suppose it would work the same way in reverse. If a wife hits on her stepson, I'm pretty sure most husbands would be disgusted by her behavior.


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## Starstarfish

If he's willing to flirt with your daughter right in front of you when he's drunk, what does he get up to if he drinks and I'm not around. That's what I'd be wondering.

Fact is, if a wife got drunk and flirted with another guy in front of you, people wouldn't suggest it was a joke gone wrong. Or that as long as he doesn't do it too often it doesn't count. They'd say VAR her car and install a keylogger.


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## Mclane

Blondilocks said:


> Why isn't it all about raising confident young men who know that women aren't objects and it's best to keep their mouths shut rather than prove they're stupid.


It's all the models in the magazines and sexual content in TV and movies, and the pornography which is now prevalent and readily available to anyone with a computer keyboard.

It's not about guys being stupid it's about women who sell their bodies for money, and there's no shortage of them around. 

My guess is Blondilocks has at least one outfit in her closet that shows off her cleavage and legs that she wears in public while pointing the finger at all the "stupid men and their parents who raised them wrong".

Hypocrasy at it's best.


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## john117

My wife is 56 but uses her good looks quite well  as her recent job hunting success indicated... Looks help, regardless of how old one is or how serious the job is.

It's somehow a little hypocritical to blame the media for objectification of women when women themselves play the cards they're dealt - AS THEY SHOULD - but then complain that they're treated like "sex objects"...

Men are just as guilty here, for playing into the game. More guilty, even. Last weekend it was high school prom night and all the photo worthy places in town (generally along our bike trails) were buzzing with teenagers in their finest livery. Some were classy but a lot were pretty much in the " what are they thinking" category. Not necessarily bad, just bad taste, in the hope of attracting a few social media likes I suppose. My daughters never did prom by their own choice so...

Bottom line - it's not a simple "boys are stupid" if you look at the root causes. Both sides are conditioned from a very early age to gender stereotypes that are unrealistic. We CAN raise confident young men and women and many of us do.


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## Blondilocks

Mclane said:


> It's all the models in the magazines and sexual content in TV and movies, and the pornography which is now prevalent and readily available to anyone with a computer keyboard.
> 
> It's not about guys being stupid it's about women who sell their bodies for money, and there's no shortage of them around.
> 
> My guess is Blondilocks has at least one outfit in her closet that shows off her cleavage and legs that she wears in public while pointing the finger at all the "stupid men and their parents who raised them wrong".
> 
> Hypocrasy at it's best.


Wrong, again. BTW, I don't care for your style of flirting. And, you might want to learn how to spell hypocrisy.


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## jsmart

MachoMcCoy said:


> I worry about all of the women who don't think that their male BFF would ever boink them. EW!! He's like a brother, right? Well, I would go so far as to say he's masturbated, many times, while thinking of ALL kinds of different things he'd do to you. Most of those fantasy sessions include you're hot friend too. Probably some coke...
> 
> Which makes me worry all the more about the *women who bring daughters into a second marriage. *
> 
> Just sayin'


He came into her life as she was about to blossom into womanhood. It's not like he raised her as an infant or toddler which would probably have made it hard to notice her in a sexual way. 

I think traditionally divorced mothers had very discriminatory outlook on who they allowed into their child's lives that doesn't seem to be the case today. Almost every time I read about abuse of a kid, it comes out that it's a step father or a live in boyfriend.


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## BetrayedDad

ChrisAnn said:


> I am a good husband, other than the fact that I have an insatiable appetite for women, especially the goth kind.


I think you and your daughter NEED to have a private and serious discussion on whether this guy has EVER touched her inappropriately. This kind of disgusting comment doesn't appear in a vacuum. It may also explain her odd lack of response towards a statement so gross. Maybe she's hiding something painful....


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## Evinrude58

9 pages and still no mention if OP discussed this with her daughter? A waste of time posting until that is done, I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_alone

Mclane said:


> It's not about guys being stupid it's about women who sell their bodies for money, and there's no shortage of them around.
> 
> My guess is Blondilocks has at least one outfit in her closet that shows off her cleavage and legs that she wears in public while pointing the finger at all the "stupid men and their parents who raised them wrong".


And there we have it once again:. Boys will be boys (with no accountability), while all onus is put on women to behave "properly" as well as manage men's behaviour.


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## always_alone

john117 said:


> We CAN raise confident young men and women and many of us do.


Yes! And part of this is making sure boys do understand that women are not objects.


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## Mclane

always_alone said:


> Yes! And part of this is making sure boys do understand that women are not objects.


I blame the Playboy centerfolds I jerked off to when I was 13.


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## Holland

Mclane said:


> I blame the Playboy centerfolds I jerked off to when I was 13.


Does this mean you would objectify your own daughter or step daughter and blame it all on women?


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## bravenewworld

Your husband's lucky he's not in my family. Comments like that would have gotten him a thorough a$$ beating. 

One thing my family has zero tolerance for is people perving out on family members. I can't even imagine someone making a sexual comment to a biological -or- stepchild, regardless of age.


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## Mclane

Holland said:


> Does this mean you would objectify your own daughter or step daughter and blame it all on women?


If they chose to pose nude in a porn magazine or movie I would consider them part of the problem.


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## Holland

Mclane said:


> If they chose to pose nude in a porn magazine or movie I would consider them part of the problem.


You side stepped the question. 

The OP is about a father sexually objectifying his SD. This man is not evolved enough to discriminate between a relative and women in general. You are saying that it is women's fault as they make themselves open to objectification, I don't disagree with that part.

The question is more about evolved people being able to discern between family or women that really should be off limits. If an adult cannot separate women in his family vs the rest of the population then there is something wrong with his brain much like a pedophile. 

Are parents off limits? Do the men here that think it is fine to have sexual feeling towards their daughter or SD also fantisise about their Mum's? 

A civilised, evolved person (of either gender) knows what is OK and what is not. Sexually objectifying your kin is just off. That covers the mental issue the other part of the OP is that her husband is also a massive fool, do men really think that this sort of behaviour won't impact how their spouse feels about them?


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## Mclane

Holland said:


> If an adult cannot separate women in his family vs the rest of the population then there is something wrong with his brain much like a pedophile.


This is about a man having an attraction towards a non biological woman who is only a relative in a legal sense, who he did not raise from a baby. 

I don't consider his attaction to be perverted or off limits, although he really oughta keep it to himself and stop with the sexual comments, it's awkward and disrespectful to both his wife and her daughter. 



Holland said:


> do men really think that this sort of behaviour won't impact how their spouse feels about them?


It really doesn't matter, the husband in this situation obviously doesn't care what his wife thinks about his feelings towards her daughter, or he cares a bit, which is why he hasn't been even more obvious about it.


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## MachoMcCoy

I really hate to say this OP, but it wouldn't be the first time a step daughter and stepfather had a consentual affair. They are both adults. I can't quite get over the fact that she didn't even flinch when she heard that comment from him.


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