# Divorce guilt



## sahr2000 (May 5, 2021)

I have been struggling with my marriage since the day it began, which has only been 2 years. From the day we got married, everything changed overnight. It was like a stranger was living with me. Suddenly, he changed his mind about children, every little thing I did was annoying, he stopped initiating sex entirely, he didn't want to hear about my problems, or compromise, no support, no communication...most times, I feel like he borders on gaslighting and controlling me. I've been contemplating divorce for a year now and have only been able to say it twice - once in therapy and once outside. Each time, we agree to work on things, and each time, nothing changes. I definitely don't feel like spending the rest of my life with him anymore...he is not the love of my life and I don't want to start a family with him, but why do I feel so guilty about leaving him? I only have my family, who I am not very close to, to support me in my feelings, but everyone else doesn't know the full situation. Everyone he meet loves him and even my friends (aside from one or two) will eventually side with him when he behaves demeaning because he is so good at giving backhanded compliments, intimidating others with his so called wisdom, or saying things he knows hurts my feelings but without the knowledge of others. I hate that I feel the need to justify my actions, but at the same time, nobody knows what I have been living with. He has fought with me about everything under the sun and when I go to say it out loud, I feel like I'm crazy to still be living with him. Here is someone who has 3 phones, keeps all his information secret, we don't share finances, I have no idea how much money he has in the bank and he doesn't want to work, so I don't know how long before I might have to start paying for him or he gets a job, I've never been introduced to his friends (although he really has very little and no one in town), he sleeps at 5am and wakes up past 12pm and sometimes even 4pm because I wake him. Whenever I am even 5 minutes late, or I baby talk the dog, or listen to my music he will tell me to stop or shut up or threaten to never makes plans with me again because I am annoying and he needs to protect himself. Meanwhile, here I am with everything we have is my families stuff, I am the only one with a car and drives him when he needs help, I am always there for him, I put him under my insurance, I change the way I speak or act so that he doesn't get offended or find me annoying...but he won't even initiate sex for me when I ask him...everyone thinks he's this amazing man, but I can't even go to him to talk about my sick sister or when my back hurts me. I can't call him to come pick me up when I can't drive myself home and I'm sick, because he is unreliable, yet he has the nerve to call me out whenever the few times I am unreliable and say to me he won't trust me anymore. I worry and want him to be happy so badly, but I don't want it at my expense...the problems are so much deeper than this. It has caused me to feel alone, lonely, manipulated, disrespected, put down, feel less worthy...I just want to be free from this marriage, but still every time guilt stops me from moving on. Is this normal? How can I save myself? What should I do? I have no one and life has been tough...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I only made it about halfway through your message.... you totally should get a divorce with no shame at all. It’s only 2 years. Chalk it up and get on with life.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Your "guilt" is normal. You made lifelong plans based on his misrepresentation of who he is, had a wedding, and rode off in the sunset to live happily ever after. Unfortunately, you married someone who is not just a dud, he is destructive. If you stay with him, you will never be able to look yourself in the mirror. You are there to be his toy. Don't allow yourself to be used that way. Make sure you're on birth control. You don't want to be tied to this guy any longer than necessary. 

If you're committed to moving on with your life, people here will walk you through the process, right here in this thread. If you want to continue being a doormat and letting him walk all over you, you'll get a little sympathy, but not much. 

He is not salvageable. Start your journey to happiness. As for your hesitation, start the divorce process. If we're wrong, you can always put on the brakes.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Wow, he sounds abusive and on a border personality disorder abusive type of thingie. 

You gotta get out of his grip ASAP. He is the definition of misery. The guilt you feel is part of the abuse cycle he is giving you. Run fast and hard as of yesterday. 

Thank goodness you didn't bring children into this world with this person. What a hell you and the poor kid would f have had to endure. 

Look up borderline personality disorders and your husband will be a poster child of one of these disorders. I can bet money I don't have on this. He sounds like my last XH. It was a very emotionaly confusing hell.


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