# Complicated problem: Step kids, sexual abuse, parent with depression...



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I apologize in advance if this gets long. It will be to make the situation clear. My husband and I have 3 kids between us: My daughter from my first marriage is 17, his son from his first marriage is 12 and the daughter we had together is 7.

I met my husband over 11 years ago and while we've lived together, owned a home and had a daughter together 7 years ago, we didn't make it official by getting married until 4 years ago. My daughter from my first marriage was 6 and his son from his first marriage was 1 when we met. We came together as "soul mates" with all parts of the relationship amazing, including the relationships with our partner's children. My daughter lived with me and visited her father on weekends, and my husband saw his son a couple times a month. We came together easily as a family, and the kids developed good relationships with the step parent for years. There was a time when my daughter actually considered taking my 2nd husband's last name. He treated her well.

Everything was awesome until about 5 or 6 years ago when we got the horrible news that my stepson had been repeatedly sexually abused by the 2 sons of his mother's boyfriend in her home. This abuse likely went on for years. The disclosure rocked our family and we were immediately thrust into the position of dealing with family courts, criminal law (the older of the 2 boys was actually arrested and charged although the charges were later dropped because my stepson's story kept changing) and social services. My step son had disclosed the abuse at school and social services had swept in and taken him into foster care for several weeks while it was all sorted out. 

This, as you can imagine, rocked our family. My way of dealing with all of this was to dive into doing whatever I could do to fight for what I felt was right, which meant within days of the disclosure, ending up in court trying to get emergency custody and then dealing with lawyers over the court case that ended up taking over a year to get resolved (we ultimately lost the custody case, as the judge said my stepson's mother was doing all that was required of her and my stepson's counselor who was the only expert witness in the trial said the less change in his life, the better. During that whole year my husband seemed to be too passive as far as I was concerned about everything. I wrote his depositions, told him what I thought he needed to do as far as calls that needed to be made, etc.. I became frustrated, but with the benefit of hindsight, I now know that my husband was falling into a deep depression over his guilt at not having been able to protect his son. I understand that now but didn't at the time.

In the years since, my stepson has had a myriad of problems, as you can imagine, resulting from his abuse. He has been on medication until just a few months ago (anti psychotic/anti-anxiety) and has been in a severe behavior classes at school until finally recently he has started to integrate in 1 of his courses in a regular classroom. During this time, my daughter from my first marriage has grown into a strong, smart and talented (she's a competitive dancer and has even competed in the World's in one of the genres she dances in) girl who has big plans for her future. She has had a summer job for 3 years now, gets pretty good grades and takes on quite a bit of responsibility around the home. As my husband works out of town 50% of the time, on the days he's gone, she is responsible for getting my 7 year old to school. She also helps around the house taking out the garbage when asked, unloading the dishwasher, etc., mostly when my husband is out of town. She's also a typical teenager and has experimented with a few not so great things but we've talked through them and none of them are ongoing problems. I've been a teacher for 18 years, 5 of the latest teaching teenagers and I have a pretty good idea what is "normal" teenage behavior and while we have the usual rolling of the eyes and snippy comments at times, it's not a constant problem and I choose my battles carefully.

About 3-4 years ago, my husband was diagnosed with depression, given meds and told to get himself into counseling. He balked at the counseling for years and only recently tried again on his own, but it's early and there's only been a couple sessions, and has taken himself off the meds at least once with not so great consequences. His depression manifests itself in anger for the most part which is why it took so long to get diagnosed. The anger has been explosive and directed mostly at myself and my daughter from my first marriage. It effectively destroyed the relationship my husband and my daughter had. For the first time in our relationship my husband came after me with comments that more than implied that I was a bad parent because of my daughter's normal age appropriate behavior. It for awhile impacted my daughter and my relationship as well because I went back and forth backing each of them up and even making excuses for each of their bad behavior to the other. It was a terrible place to be. At several points my husband told me (and it finally made it all make sense) that the reason he has gone after her so viciously is that she is "normal" and his son likely will never be. While I understand it, I feel strongly that he being the adult needs to find a way to work through this and not take out his own issues on a child. He says the words that imply he understands this and yet, he acts like it's HER job to fix their relationship. I disagree.

About a year and a half ago, I was in the car with my youngest daughter who had just turned 6 when she started asking some questions about babies and it somehow led to her disclosing that my stepson had done inappropriate things to her. Thankfully, it didn't reach the horrifying level of what had been done to him but knowing what I know about how children who have been sexually abused can act out the abuse later, I am confident that it could have gotten a whole lot worse had I not found out when I did. I had to contact my stepson's mother (husband was out of town and due to his own fragile state when I told him, he asked me to make that call), my stepson's counselor and because I am a mandated reporter, I also called social services. Social services sent me to the police to have something on record (my stepson never knew about this or was told that the police were involved, thankfully) but my 6 year old did have to be interviewed by a trained investigator. Very traumatic for me as well as my husband. It just added to his depression as he now felt he hadn't protected both of his children. During the immediate aftermath, I couldn't help it...I told my husband that he was no longer allowed to go after my daughter for anything...she was "off the table" as far as he was concerned. I also found out around this same time when my oldest daughter and I were talking and she started crying and asked me why I never asked her if my stepson had ever done anything to her and I was floored. Turns out that in the year or so before he disclosed his own abuse, he was crawling into bed with her in the night and was attempting to hump her. She didn't understand what it was...until she was older and understood what had happened to my stepson, and now that we were reacting to what had happened to her sister, she needed to get it out. It hadn't happened more than a few times, but I was concerned enough that I brought her to a counselor after once again telling my husband that he needed to back off of her. The counselor spoke with my daughter about her relationship with her stepdad and one of the things that came out of it (I spoke with the counselor myself) is that my oldest daughter did have the right with all that had gone on to decided not to have a relationship with my husband anymore. How she put it to me (and I think it makes sense) is, "YOU chose him, I didn't". So I support her on not having much to do with my husband. She speaks to him when spoken to, and is not outright disrespectful to him, but other than that, doesn't have much to do with him.

I have made it clear to my husband that my daughter came first in my life before him and if he forces me to choose, he won't like the result. I also don't want to hear him express negative things about her, which he still does. My "Mommy bear" radar shoots up and with all of this history, I honestly don't want to hear him say anything negative about her anymore. He also doesn't want to hear my concerns about his own son (who has expressed wanting to come live with us next year which would of course leave me as the single parent of 3 kids 50% of the time when my husband is out of town). I am struggling with the idea of having my stepson live here, as the supervision of him is different than with most other 12 year olds based his abuse of my now 7 year old. My husband is not exactly in denial over this, but really doesn't want to deal with the fallout from that behavior. My stepson's counselor had him write an apology letter to us over what he did to our daughter, and when he gave it to my husband, he told him he didn't want it given to me. I don't understand this...I feel it's allowing him to get away without having consequences. In the meantime, I'm still cooking him meals when he's at my home, hugging him, buying him Christmas gifts and more. It's hard doing all of that while still dealing with my husband's pretty obvious disdain for my oldest daughter, who hasn't done anything wrong other than normal age appropriate behavior. 

If you made it this far, thanks. I don't even know what I'm asking here other than maybe some understanding over my fears about my stepson moving into my home next year. This whole thing is such a hot button on my home that I can't even discuss it with my husband without both of us feeling raw and hurt. Last year I took myself to a counselor to work through my own feelings and it helped, but I'm still feeling a lot of resentment as the problems haven't gone away. Just this weekend, my husband tried coming at me with negative comments about my oldest and while I validated his concerns, he felt I didn't do enough. I'm very frustrated.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Do not let him move in with you. The 6 yr old girl has to be protected from him. Bringing him into your home is DANGEROUS TO HER. She is innocent and you have simply got to protect her. He has another home. SHE DOES NOT. Please don't put this little girl at risk again. She wasn't protected in the past. Don't throw her under the bus this time just to give the boy what he wants. Maybe the reason he wants to live with you is easy access to the 6 yr old girl? 

If I were you, I would put my foot down on this. If your H wants the boy living with him, you and the 6 yr old will NOT be living with H & the boy. End of story.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

What a hard situation you are in. {{{{HUGS}}}} to you, I can't even imagine all of the emotions surrounding your H, you, your children. Have you spoken with a professional about your step son coming to live with y'all? That would be such a liability given his past, but I know your husband does not want to turn his back on his little boy, he already feels like he didn't protect him in the first place, and probably feels like a second chance type of situation with him coming to live with y'all, has your H indicated he's for your step son coming to live with you? You made mention of your husband working out of town 50% of the time. Is this something that can possibly be changed or modified? Can his employer scale back his traveling given the circumstances so that he can be there for his son and try and get him on the right track again? You have so much going on and each child is at a very delicate age


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I guess I wasn't clear as far as how things changed after the abuse of my youngest daughter...the 2 kids are never left unsupervised anymore. When my stepson is here and one child is on a different floor of the house, the other isn't allowed there unless either my husband or myself is there. 

I have also made it clear to my husband that in order for me to consider having my stepson move here it there will need to be conditions. And quite honestly, my husband's passivity is an issue...he is still depressed and before such a move there are things that have to be done officially and I'll be honest, I don't know that my husband has it in him to do motivate himself to do it. Remember that I was the one who handled pretty much everything last time, and this time, I'm not. My husband's work schedule is not likely to change...he doesn't travel for work, he actually works in another city and there isn't comparable work where we live. I could ask him to start seriously looking for a job in our city but honestly, again his motivation is probably an issue. And if it does get to the point of my stepson living with us, he will be in counseling and will be watched very closely.

I don't think my stepson's home is really a good place for him. Things are very negative there and access to a young girl isn't a factor in my house as he does have a sister there a year younger than in my home (and she's actually mentally and physically handicapped so I think more danger of something happening and not getting reported). 

My husband's attitude towards my oldest daughter is my biggest problem now. Based on his facial expressions and body language as well as how he speaks about her to me gives me the impression that he pretty much can't stand her. While he has gotten better at not directing it to her directly, I do not appreciate his comments to me about her. At this point, I feel justified in saying to him that he isn't allowed to speak negatively about her at all to me with all the history we've got going on. He thinks that allows her to "get away" with stuff, when it's not that at all (believe me, I follow through with everything I need to with her). After what he has directed her way I just feel strongly that she's taken enough and I'm not going to allow her to be put in the position of any more.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> the 2 kids are never left unsupervised anymore. When my stepson is here and one child is on a different floor of the house, the other isn't allowed there unless either my husband or myself is there.


That may work now when the boy comes to visit once in a while, but if you are all living in a house together, it will be impossible. How are you going to police the residents of the house 24 hours a day? That's impossible, awkward, but mostly just impossible. I think it's natural for most posters to focus on this issue because it really is the most important one here. Your other daughter is almost an adult and can move out of the house and get on with her life away from your husband, which may go far to normalizing relations between them.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

omega said:


> Your other daughter is almost an adult and can move out of the house and get on with her life away from your husband, which may go far to normalizing relations between them.


I was going to mention this too, not to mention her simply being 17 as well. I think that age could play a big part in the relationship between your H and your daughter... And time will tell if they can rekindle that relationship they once had. I know I was a ***** when I was that age, but it was directed towards my stepmom, and for no real reason other than she was with my dad . Likewise, my own 17 year old daughter has major issues with just being around my H. With good reason, but not enough to simply not even tolerate him now, and it's because of what others in the family have said against my H... Between May and August, we all lived together and got along pretty good. Now that she's gone back to her gma's, she all of sudden can't stand my H. I know you say it's a major issue in your household right now, but you said your H acknowledges he is mad at your 17 year old because she is "normal" and his son will never be. Your H has issues and he is addressing some, but he needs to continue to address those issues and not take it out on a child. I would continue to stand up for my child and continue to let my H know he needs to get help understanding his anger. Just my thoughts.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

omega said:


> That may work now when the boy comes to visit once in a while, but if you are all living in a house together, it will be impossible. How are you going to police the residents of the house 24 hours a day? That's impossible, awkward, but mostly just impossible. I think it's natural for most posters to focus on this issue because it really is the most important one here. Your other daughter is almost an adult and can move out of the house and get on with her life away from your husband, which may go far to normalizing relations between them.


You are right. I guess my feelings on this are that I don't think it's fair to my husband to not consider this. If it was reversed, I think I'd have major problems with my husband refusing to allow my child who lived with the other parent to live in my home if the opportunity came up. I can foresee if I was to put my foot down on that that my husband's already very negative view of my 17 year old would be even worse because he would feel that double standard as if he should also have the choice to choose whether she lives with us or not. Intellectually, I understand that the situation is different, but I have worries on this too. I am honestly worried that as my stepson heads into his own teenage years and begins to act out in ways that are both age appropriate and in ways that are worse because of his issues, I can foresee a time when his mother calls us and tells us to come get him, that she can't handle him. Taking him in at that point would be far more difficult than before big problems come in as we do have a much more stable home and more consistency as far as parenting. I believe he might even thrive here. Selfishly, yes....I'm worried about the extra burdens placed on me, and I am already planning things like before school care for my younger daughter as I leave the house for work an hour and a half before the kids would leave for school and after school activities to avoid the possibility of the kids being home together without an adult. I also have a friend who is a police officer specially trained in child sexual abuse cases and she is willing to sit with my husband and myself (mostly to impress on him the seriousness of the potential dangers of my stepson taking abuse further than he did (what he did with my daughter was basically "hump" her, fully clothed and told her this was how babies were made when they were playing house together...this when he was 10 and my daughter was 6) and to get "official" advice on how to handle him in our home full time. Not to mention that he would be still having visitation with his mother, so not in our home 24/7.

Believe me, I'm not minimizing what you're saying...I've been going over all of this in my head for 5 years, and more seriously since my youngest daughter disclosed the abuse she suffered.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I think in this case someone needs to be a dedicated advocate for the 6 yr old, and I think it's going to have to be you. It puts you in a tough position, but hey, it's a tough situation. You can explain that to your husband so he understands that it's not a case of you AGAINST the boy, it's a case of you FOR the 6 yr old daughter. Someone has to step up and protect her. Your husband is advocating for the boy. Doesn't she deserve an advocate? It's not like she did anything wrong in all this.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Oh, believe me, I have advocated for her. I have talked to professionals as well as drawn on my 18 years experience as a teacher on how to deal with it all with her and around her, and I have done everything recommended. She understands what happened to her as a game that just went too far. She wasn't the least bit traumatized by it, and it only came up in conversation because we were talking about kids and how they sometimes look like their parents and sometimes not, and she said something about her brother playing a game with her about making babies. She never would have come to me about it at that level at all because she had no clue that it was anything bad. I am SO relieved about that. My biggest issue right now is actually my oldest daughter and my husband's pretty obvious dislike of her. The fact that he recognizes that he has treated her poorly because of his jealousy is, I think, huge, and while he doesn't treat her badly in her presence anymore, he still speaks of her to me as if what she does is utterly terrible when it's not worth a huge ordeal over. And ironically, he will often get mad about things she has done or not done when they are the very things he also does or doesn't do (ie, leaves out shoes where someone might trip, forgets to take the garbage out, etc.). That drives me insane because he's putting expectations on her to be "better" than he can be. Not to mention, after I basically fought for my stepson when he first disclosed his own abuse and my husband couldn't cope with anything beyond his own job and fell into a deep depression, I will NOT be going out of my way to do what needs to be done as far as my stepson moving into our home (and there is a LOT that has to be done). This may sound incredibly negative, but I seriously doubt that my husband has it in him to do it as he's still depressed. That said, I AM worried about it...and have already told him that things will need to change as far as my husband's involvement and I will have high expectations. 

Believe me, my 7 year old is protected, and always will be. I am Mama Bear and I will do whatever it takes.


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