# sexual dissatisfaction and infidelity in marriage advice?



## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

I am bisexual but the thing is I am married to a woman. But I also have like a situation with another person. I have had an on and off relationship with. The problem is not even the gay part really. It's just a matter of like basically I've tried guys and I don't really want a relationship I've never really had romantic feelings. Just sexual and it could actually work with my wife. The thing is I have things I want to do like as far as sex that I think would make her basically uncomfortable. And I am completely in the closet about this I had a past gf I shared that and it ended our relationship. I love my wife and everything in our relationship is good I just feel sexually dissatisfied. Which has lead me to cheat but I literally have no interest in the guy. Further than the sex. But I feel overly dissatisfied with not having sex with him. Advice?


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

typo sorry


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

WWH,

Do your wife a favor and divorce her before you give her some horrible disease from your playing around on the side.

Tamat


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> WWH,
> 
> Do your wife a favor and divorce her before you give her some horrible disease from your playing around on the side.
> 
> Tamat


I don't bareback whether I'm single or married I take very good care of myself. I actually have never had an std despite having receptive anal sex. It's more about taking responsibility imo.

But yeah I don't want to leave my W I love her. If anything I'd rather not be with him. I married her for a reason a very good reason at that.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

My best op sex friend is bisexual. She was married and even had kids but had open relationship so she could also be with other women. 

So you have only two options:

1) Tell your wife and get her to agree to and accept an open marriage. Set rules on condoms and STD testing etc. 

2) Divorce her and then you can do what you want.

No cheating. Does not matter if the other person is male or female. 

To be honest, sometimes I too would like to have sex with others outside my marriage. But I don't. That's how it works when you are married.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> My best op sex friend is bisexual. She was married and even had kids but had open relationship so she could also be with other women.
> 
> So you have only two options:
> 
> ...




the thing is I don't really need sex with another guy to be satisfied it's just lack of sexual attention from my wife that is more my issue. Also I'm not out about being bisexual. She doesn't know. No one knows and I really don't need her to know. It's like I said I have an issue with sharing with her because of past bad experiences.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Yes, I fully understood that you are not out and your wife does not know. That is why in #1 I said to tell her.

Unless you are going to do #1 or #2, then put the whole "guy" thing aside. Now only focus on what you can get from your wife in terms of sexual fulfillment.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
cheating is cheating, no matter what the genders involved. Its not fair to your wife to have secret liaisons on the side. 

You say that with other men it is just sexual and that it is something your wife could provide. Let me know if I"m wrong, but I'm assuming you are talking about her using a strap-on or something similar. Nothing wrong with that, it is a fairly common kink BUT there are a lot of people who find it disturbing / disgusting. 

There are a lot of sexual things that I would like but that my wife won't do. I've decided to live with the lack because I enjoy the rest of our marriage together.

You have a choice. 
You can do without these particular interests and enjoy the rest of your life together.

You can leave and find someone will satisfy your interests - there are women who are happy for that sort of game - but its not majority.

You can convince your wife that you want an open relationship.


I think living a lie is a bad idea.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

Yeah I am attracted to men and women about equally. But the problem is I always bottom and that's basically why I like gay sex. I could easily do the same with her and our sex life would be perfect. I brought this up in the past with a past gf and it ended my relationship with her which is why I have trouble bringing it up now. Because I don't want her to think something's terribly wrong. Like last time. I try accepting it that I won't ever have as great of a sex life as I once had but I just don't know how long that'll last tbh.




richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> cheating is cheating, no matter what the genders involved. Its not fair to your wife to have secret liaisons on the side.
> 
> You say that with other men it is just sexual and that it is something your wife could provide. Let me know if I"m wrong, but I'm assuming you are talking about her using a strap-on or something similar. Nothing wrong with that, it is a fairly common kink BUT there are a lot of people who find it disturbing / disgusting.
> ...


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Yes, I fully understood that you are not out and your wife does not know. That is why in #1 I said to tell her.
> 
> Unless you are going to do #1 or #2, then put the whole "guy" thing aside. Now only focus on what you can get from your wife in terms of sexual fulfillment.


Well that's the thing I technically don't need a guy in my sex life to have a happy sex life. It's just I've found guys to be more interested in the same stuff I like unlike with my ex she asked automatically thought I was gay. So it's like I don't to go through that again. Type of thing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you married a woman without telling her about this huge thing??? Holy crap.

You need to tell her. NOW. Quit with the lies. Tell her. She may surprise you and be OK with it. Or she may not. But that doesn't matter - you have GOT to tell her. There is no way you can ever be happy with her while you keep that secret.

If she can't stay with you, let her go and find someone who CAN be with you knowing everything about you. And BE HONEST with them right from the start. That is the ONLY way you're ever going to end up being happy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you are bisexual why did you ask an innocent woman to form a lifelong heterosexual union with you? You are a fraud. You sold yourself as something you weren't and, predictably, you have cheated on your perfectly innocent wife. Tell the poor woman the truth (all of it). Maybe she isn't content to have sort-of a heterosexual for a husband or one who is mostly faithful. Become single again and you can poke whatever and be poked by whomever, whenever, and however. Adults who are old enough to marry ought to know who the hell they are.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WWH23 said:


> my ex she asked automatically thought I was gay.


Well, maybe it's because it's true....

You can tell your wife you like to have you prostate massaged during sex. Start with a plug or beads (purely theoretical on my part) and avoid any toys that look like a male appendage.

Send a PM Bad Santa. @Bad_Santa He might be able to help. 

It was really low on your part to hide this from her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How on earth could you have withheld something this big from your wife??? I would be furious if my husband kept something like this from me! She had a right to know this BEFORE agreeing to marry you.

Wow...just wow.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You can put your dck in a man's azz but you don't have the balls to tell your wife. Man up and tell her. Sounds like you're gay and don't want to admit it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

frusdil said:


> How on earth could you have withheld something this big from your wife??? I would be furious if my husband kept something like this from me! She had a right to know this BEFORE agreeing to marry you.
> 
> Wow...just wow.


And apparently just figured he'd keep his little side hobby going by cheating on his wife.

Wow, indeed.....


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> Sounds like you're gay and don't want to admit it.


You just defined male "bisexuality".

And I LOVE where so many people give this lying cheating scu...person of questionable character a pass just because he's "bisexual".

Replace this story with a fully heterosexual man giving a perfectly logical and detailed description of HIS kink, only it's "I love my wife but I have this overwhelming need to see my erect penis in a strange woman's mouth in the men's room of the local meat market at 3AM. What should I do"?

Tell your wife who you are and let her make the decision. So this time tomorrow you'll either be out shopping for strapons or in the hospital. I'm betting on the latter.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You just defined male "bisexuality".


This annoys me. Bisexuality is real. Not that it means one should be a lying cheat. But it is real.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Orientation isn't the issue.

You are a cheater.

Confess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> So you married a woman without telling her about this huge thing??? Holy crap.
> 
> You need to tell her. NOW. Quit with the lies. Tell her. She may surprise you and be OK with it. Or she may not. But that doesn't matter - you have GOT to tell her. There is no way you can ever be happy with her while you keep that secret.
> 
> If she can't stay with you, let her go and find someone who CAN be with you knowing everything about you. And BE HONEST with them right from the start. That is the ONLY way you're ever going to end up being happy.



I can't come out I'm 23 and if I were to do that and it wnt bad she could easily tell family and stuff. And my mom thinks gays should be put to sleep and so does my sister. My brother has always been super homophobic. Only one in my family that is ok with it with me being bi is my cousin of which we're bvery close best friends and we have each other's back. But other than that I am totally messed up with the rest of my family if I ever tried to come out that would be a disaster which is why I don't want to risk it.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

unbelievable said:


> If you are bisexual why did you ask an innocent woman to form a lifelong heterosexual union with you? You are a fraud. You sold yourself as something you weren't and, predictably, you have cheated on your perfectly innocent wife. Tell the poor woman the truth (all of it). Maybe she isn't content to have sort-of a heterosexual for a husband or one who is mostly faithful. Become single again and you can poke whatever and be poked by whomever, whenever, and however. Adults who are old enough to marry ought to know who the hell they are.


My wife is actually bisexual too I'd say. She's made out with a woman before. So she's not heterosexual either she doesn't admit either though and like I said I tried guys and it didn't work I have had better luck in long term relationships with women than guys. I don't want anything more than my wife. So it's not like divorce would help as I want to be with my wife more than anyone else.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

We don't get the life we want or even that others want for us. We get the life we get. And yours has a complication that is treated poorly by parts of our culture. It is never-the-less who you are and you can choose to join the bigoted masses in abusing yourself over it, or you can come to terms with it and accept it as part of yourself.

Many people have tried to tell you that hiding this is wrong to keep from wife. And most certainly cheating on your wife is also wrong. I agree on both accounts. I also think you are lying to yourself about the STD risk. While protection vastly reduces the risk it does not altogether eliminate it. You must trust your male partner to not only be honest about his HIV status but also to properly operate the condom. If I understand what you mean by being a "bottom" you have more less given up any direct control of what is going on back there and to say otherwise is self deception. You are exposing your wife to the consequences of your choices without her knowledge or consent. This is wrong even if that risk is mitigated and it is most certainly not indicative that you really love her. Need her perhaps, but love? No.

What is also true is that living a lie is not sustainable. Sooner or later this will come out. Can't you feel it coming out now? With this post and your desire to keep doing this, it is pushing out of your skull like Zeus birthed Athena. The more you try to trap this lie in you, the more it will ooze out of your very pours until finally, one day, you either can bare it no longer, or become so sloppy you get caught. Only a narcissist can live lies without destroying themselves. Lots of people have kinks, but the need to indulge that kink is something else entirely. 

Labels are not important. What your relatives think is not important. Living an authentic life, regardless of the consequences is. Being true to those you love, is love.

Start with individual counseling with a sex therapist.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Well, maybe it's because it's true....
> 
> You can tell your wife you like to have you prostate massaged during sex. Start with a plug or beads (purely theoretical on my part) and avoid any toys that look like a male appendage.
> 
> ...


I'm not gay lol. If I'm gay I'm definitely straight. I have a straight preference when it comes to relationships. I had a boyfriend at one point and I left him for an exgf. I don't really do well with a same sex partnership. It works for basically the sex. I actually didn't even know I was bisexual until I was 17. I thought I was straight. Because I wanted a gf and I never sought out a relationship with a guy. 

Yeah I think I need to at least let her know that I do have specific needs to be monogamous. I think though maybe not say everything right off. I think that's where I went wrong last time.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WWH23 said:


> My wife is actually bisexual too I'd say. She's made out with a woman before. So she's not heterosexual either she doesn't admit either though and like I said I tried guys and it didn't work I have had better luck in long term relationships with women than guys. I don't want anything more than my wife. So it's not like divorce would help as *I* want to be with my wife more than anyone else.


How about what your wife wants? Like to maybe not be lied to for the entirety of the relationship about your basic self? Like maybe not to be cheated on and put at risk of STIs? (You DO know that condoms do not guarantee lack of transmission??)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WWH23 said:


> My wife is actually bisexual too I'd say. She's made out with a woman before. So she's not heterosexual either she doesn't admit either though and like I said I tried guys and it didn't work I have had better luck in long term relationships with women than guys. I don't want anything more than my wife. So it's not like divorce would help as I want to be with my wife more than anyone else.


Until you reveal it to her, there's no way for you to place what you're assuming to be your wife's bisexuality (Because she made out w/ a woman once? LOL) on even terms w/ your own.

And that you've actually acted upon it.

Recently.

While married to her.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

frusdil said:


> How on earth could you have withheld something this big from your wife??? I would be furious if my husband kept something like this from me! She had a right to know this BEFORE agreeing to marry you.
> 
> Wow...just wow.



well I guess I had a right to know as well. honestly sexuality has never been an issue neither of us are homophobic or anything.



GuyInColorado said:


> You can put your dck in a man's azz but you don't have the balls to tell your wife. Man up and tell her. Sounds like you're gay and don't want to admit it.




I wouldn't know. But I am not gay I'm bi there's a difference.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WWH23 said:


> I'm not gay lol. If I'm gay I'm definitely straight. I have a straight preference when it comes to relationships. I had a boyfriend at one point and I left him for an exgf. I don't really do well with a same sex partnership. It works for basically the sex. I actually didn't even know I was bisexual until I was 17. I thought I was straight. Because I wanted a gf and I never sought out a relationship with a guy.
> 
> Yeah I think I need to at least let her know that I do have specific needs to be monogamous. I think though maybe not say everything right off. I think that's where I went wrong last time.


Tough decision time. The monogamous thing may be of little comfort to wife if you tell her you want male sex. Kind of like me telling my wife I want to be monogamous but would like to have sex with my attractive young coworker. 

Can you be satisfied slowly introducing adult toys into the marriage that would give you some physical satisfaction, assuming wife is open to that?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WWH23 said:


> But I am not gay I'm bi there's a difference.


A buddy of mine used to say this...

"When it comes to gay and straight, there's a scale. It goes from 1 to 10, and it's like this...

1 is straight. 2 to 10 is gay."

:lol: :rofl:

IOW, all that would matter to most -- in terms of classification, per se -- is that you're not straight.

And that's not even the issue here.

The issue that is a) you've kept that fact that you're bi from your wife and b) you're cheating on your wife.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WWH23 said:


> I am not gay I'm bi there's a difference.


Yep, there is a difference but consider now that your wife thinks only 50% of the population is her competition, but if/when you tell her you are bi she will consider 100% of the population her competition.

Also, she will think that something/someone must be up with you NOW because why else would you be telling her NOW rather than pre-marriage. Might not be true, but that won't stop her from thinking that. Hope I make sense.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> A buddy of mine used to say this...
> 
> "When it comes to gay and straight, there's a scale. It goes from 1 to 10, and it's like this...
> 
> ...




Well then a gay man and a gay women decided to get married and have a great sex life.


As neither of us are straight completely. And we've both claimed to be straight. That's not even the point or my problem. I have specific kink and that's what I need from my wife. That's it. My sexuality has little to do with that though.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Tough decision time. The monogamous thing may be of little comfort to wife if you tell her you want male sex. Kind of like me telling my wife I want to be monogamous but would like to have sex with my attractive young coworker.
> 
> Can you be satisfied slowly introducing adult toys into the marriage that would give you some physical satisfaction, assuming wife is open to that?


that's what I'm talking about I am leaving out the monogamous part out I'll just tell her that I have a specific kink I'd like to explore. Nothing about my sexuality. It really doesn't matter. My W is a model basically so there is no competition.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Yep, there is a difference but consider now that your wife thinks only 50% of the population is her competition, but if/when you tell her you are bi she will consider 100% of the population her competition.
> 
> Also, she will think that something/someone must be up with you NOW because why else would you be telling her NOW rather than pre-marriage. Might not be true, but that won't stop her from thinking that. Hope I make sense.


yeah I don't think adding a label to stuff really would help anything in my situation.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

So if it's no big deal, tell her.

Oh, yeah. Your life gets ruined if you do. I forgot. So go ahead and ruin hers instead.

This guy is the worst lying selfish cheating bastard I've seen on this site and you are ALL giving him a pass. I don't get it.

You're both equally "BI" because because she kissed a girl once? If you are in denial about THAT, you are surely indenial about your homosexuality. AMAZING you don;t see it.

ALL girls have made out with other girls once or twice. It's called growing up straight and female. There is a name for a guy who has ZERO sexual interest in women but a MAJOR hankerin' for something long hard and warm up is butt. And it AIN'T called "growing up straight and male". If you think your wife will be "cool with it" because she's "also bi", you are in for a surprise, my friend. Video tape that conversation for me. I'll buy it.

I may not get this because I'm straight, but I think you've got to figure some stuff out, my friend.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

WWH23 said:


> yeah I don't think adding a label to stuff really would help anything in my situation.


Labels are not important. And the people pushing you to realize your orientation are not doing so out of Bi-denial or homophobia. 

If Bi-sexual means you are attracted to both men and women, well I guess you are that. But thats not all you are.

The key here is that, as you have described yourself, only one kind off sex can satisfies you. I think it was implied that if your wife would give you a good pegging you would not want to be with men. But I think is a kind of self deception. You are saying, "if my wife could be like a man, I would not need to sleep with men". 

This is not in my experience, but the fact I have read about pegging in sex columns suggest it is fairly common. My guess is that most guys that are into that would not think of going near another man and are avowed heterosexuals. 

I am imagining a wife saying "honey, put this nightie on and I won't need to sleep with my girlfriends anymore" Sounds just as absurd.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> you are ALL giving him a pass.


Nope. Just a slow day at work.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WWH23 said:


> Well then a gay man and a gay women decided to get married and have a great sex life.


...except that a significant portion of your sex life doesn't involve her in any way.

Oh, except for the fact that it significantly increases the chance that she'll mysteriously come down w/ an aggressively persistent flu.

And then lesions.

And then die.



WWH23 said:


> As neither of us are straight completely. And we've both claimed to be straight. That's not even the point or my problem. I have specific kink and that's what I need from my wife. That's it. My sexuality has little to do with that though.


Hey, no worries. I'm sure your clueless BW would have no problem w/ being your beard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

WWH23 said:


> I can't come out I'm 23 and if I were to do that and it wnt bad she could easily tell family and stuff. And my mom thinks gays should be put to sleep and so does my sister. My brother has always been super homophobic. Only one in my family that is ok with it with me being bi is my cousin of which we're bvery close best friends and we have each other's back. But other than that I am totally messed up with the rest of my family if I ever tried to come out that would be a disaster which is why I don't want to risk it.


You should have thought about that before cheating on your wife. It is now too late. You are putting yourself above your wife with no real concern for her wellbeing. You are being a terrible husband.
You know this and you know that cheating is a serious, divorce worthy offense. You came here to find out if anyone has ideas on how to avoid the consequences of your betrayal. You're not going to get answers for that. If you are going to treat your wife properly, there will be consequences.
What you need is therapy to find out why you think it's okay to betray the one who loves you and why you don't think there should be any consequences for that betrayal. That shows a lack of empathy for others and a sense of entitlement.



WWH23 said:


> My wife is actually bisexual too I'd say. She's made out with a woman before. So she's not heterosexual either she doesn't admit either though and like I said I tried guys and it didn't work I have had better luck in long term relationships with women than guys. I don't want anything more than my wife. So it's not like divorce would help as I want to be with my wife more than anyone else.


I don't think you understand why people are telling you to divorce your wife. It's because you have betrayed her. You are still in a sexual relationship with someone else and seem to think that it's okay, but she won't understand. I think you are the one that doesn't understand. You are betraying your wife. That's the bottom line. You are living a lie and by that lie are forcing your wife to make the daily decision to stay married to you based on believing that you are a loving, faithful husband, when that is a lie. You may think you love your wife, but in reality, if you really loved her, you would not betray her and you would not withhold information from her that would radically impact how she chooses to live her life. That's not love. That's trapping her.
As @GusPolinski said, there are two issues going on here:
1.	You have not told your wife that you are bisexual.
2.	You are cheating on your wife.
I would add another one; that you have not expressed to her what you want sexually, as you are afraid it would upset her. I think I know what you are wanting from her and I think a lot of women would be fine doing that if their husband wanted it. She doesn’t have to wear a strap on to stimulate the prostate. There are other methods that may be more pleasant for her to consider.
However, to have an honest, loving relationship, you will have to tell her the truth and be willing to accept her decision, otherwise your marriage is a sham. Be brave. Do the right thing. You have dug yourself into a deep hole and I can imagine it must be scary, since you don’t want to lose your wife, but if you really want to love her, you will do the right thing by stopping the adultery for a period of time, then telling her. I recommend not telling her immediately, because you need a period of time where you have proven to yourself that you can stay faithful her. If you can’t then, you are going to cause even more damage to your wife.
Here’s a video on shame that I recommend you watch. I’d recommend anything by Brené Brown. She is awesome. Brené Brown: Listening to shame | TED Talk | TED.com
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIx6oZdUSy6ikQobyGDEO7g/videos
I also recommend counseling for you. I think something has happened in your relationships as a child that has caused you great pain that should be addressed and resolved. Your family seems to think that violence against those we disagree with is okay. It’s not. That is an unloving point of view. I think that maybe you do not understand what love is and that is why you think that you can love your wife while withholding vital truth from your wife and cheating on her. It doesn’t work like that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

To anyone paying attention, THIS is what possession looks like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

When you bop the baloney do you think of men or women?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

WWH23 said:


> Well then a gay man and a gay women decided to get married and have a great sex life.
> 
> 
> As neither of us are straight completely. And we've both claimed to be straight. That's not even the point or my problem. I have specific kink and that's what I need from my wife. That's it. My sexuality has little to do with that though.


I can't even begin to tell you how far off the mark you are about what your "problem" is. It's not that you're gay...or bi...or that you have a sexual "kink". Your problem goes much, much deeper than that. 

Your problem is that you are being an INCREDIBLY selfish, lying, FRAUDULENT cheater. You claim to "love" your wife, yet it's clear that the only person you "love" is YOURSELF. You have put YOUR wants and YOUR needs --your HAPPINESS _ahead_ of your spouse, which is NOT love! You may have 'wanted' your wife, but you were afraid that if she knew the truth about you, she wouldn't want YOU, and therefore, wouldn't "love" you. How can she love you if she doesn't even know who you _truly_ are? How can you be truly happy if she doesn't know who you are? You're basically in the same boat with your wife as you are with your family. You're afraid that neither one will accept you. 

Of course you're afraid to reveal the truth to her. You're afraid she won't accept you and reveal the truth to others, especially having been _duped_ by you. 

And no...kissing a girl ONCE doesn't make her bi, and SHE'S not "in denial" about HER sexuality. It is YOU who is in denial about _her_ sexuality. I suspect that you're trying to hold onto this as a way to make yourself feel better about...well..._you_. 

It is not your sexual orientation that's the problem; it's your _character_ that's the problem.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> To anyone paying attention, THIS is what possession looks like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You mean like call Max Von Sydow kind of possession?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> You mean like call Max Von Sydow kind of possession?


LOL, not quite.

But maybe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

I'm saying it's not an unfixable problem. Not that it's no big deal cheating and all. I am not defending that I have figured out a way that it doesn't happen again a solution to the problem basically.


The women you know are obviously not straight. Straight women are normally disgusted by lesbian activity of any kind. I know because I have had actual straight girlfriends and I like girl on girl material. And they would always find it well disgusting... So no straight women don't kiss each at some time. That's insane basically you're saying all women are bisexual. And that is so not true. There's a difference between a straight and bisexual woman just like there's difference between a straight and bisexual man. Get over it though my W isn't straight. We actually watch the same/similar porn normally no straight woman would do that.

And I have always been attracted to women more. So you're describing someone else altogether. We both are bisexuals who prefer the opposite sex. So just stop. You seem to just be a bit ignorant on bisexuality.




MachoMcCoy said:


> So if it's no big deal, tell her.
> 
> Oh, yeah. Your life gets ruined if you do. I forgot. So go ahead and ruin hers instead.
> 
> ...


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Labels are not important. And the people pushing you to realize your orientation are not doing so out of Bi-denial or homophobia.
> 
> If Bi-sexual means you are attracted to both men and women, well I guess you are that. But thats not all you are.
> 
> ...


Well I don't want my W to be a man that would actually be a let down. I am not wanting to be a woman by being receptive. It has nothing to do with gender identity more just to do with sexual pleasure. I don't want her to change though when I first met her I knew she was the one and perfect completely the way she's always been. 

Hopefully though all goes well and I don't have the same response as last time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hopefully she'll tell you to "pack your own sh*t" and GTFO.

:lol: :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

WWH23 said:


> Well I don't want my W to be a man that would actually be a let down. I am not wanting to be a woman by being receptive. It has nothing to do with gender identity more just to do with sexual pleasure. I don't want her to change though when I first met her I knew she was the one and perfect completely the way she's always been.
> 
> Hopefully though all goes well and I don't have the same response as last time.


I don't buy it, there are all kinds of toys out there where you can do the simple act to yourself without cheating. There is a reason you want it in the flesh and your in total denial of that.

You are very young and the you don't have the experience or self knowledge to deal with this. There is no shame in that. Get yourself into a therapist as soon as possible. The direction you are going is not going to fill the hole in your life. (no pun intended).

There is an alternative narrative that fits. That you don't really "need" it up your a$$, you just want it, and you have a sh|tty character that let's you cheat just to fulfill you basic desires. The first version cuts you a lot of slack but this one seems more likely. Take your pick.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

Like I said I use protection always I've never had unprotected sex with this guy. And I have never gotten std in my life. You're just stereotyping saying that homosexual sex means hiv. Which is imo so ignorant as anyone can get that disease. And not all bisexuals have hiv. I think I'll just ignore posts as ignorant as this next time.




GusPolinski said:


> ...except that a significant portion of your sex life doesn't involve her in any way.
> 
> Oh, except for the fact that it significantly increases the chance that she'll mysteriously come down w/ an aggressively persistent flu.
> 
> ...










Well I am concerned about her that's why I want to stop cheating. By the way the whole cheating hasn't been anything repeated. It's just like I know exactly why I did it and don't want to repeat it. I know cheating is wrong but I rather understand my motive and try to use my motive for good rather than bad. I don't think it's ok that's why I'm finding a solution to the problem I'm facing. I just don't want to lose her. And I don't want to continue a sexual relationship with anyone besides her.


Like I said I have to go over the fact that I have specific needs she doesn't know about and I'm going to start there. What matters most imo is I don't cheat on her. So it shouldn't be a problem like it hasn't been.





CynthiaDe said:


> You should have thought about that before cheating on your wife. It is now too late. You are putting yourself above your wife with no real concern for her wellbeing. You are being a terrible husband.
> You know this and you know that cheating is a serious, divorce worthy offense. You came here to find out if anyone has ideas on how to avoid the consequences of your betrayal. You're not going to get answers for that. If you are going to treat your wife properly, there will be consequences.
> What you need is therapy to find out why you think it's okay to betray the one who loves you and why you don't think there should be any consequences for that betrayal. That shows a lack of empathy for others and a sense of entitlement.
> 
> ...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WWH23 said:


> Like I said I use protection always I've never had unprotected sex with this guy. And I have never gotten std in my life. You're just stereotyping saying that homosexual sex means hiv. Which is imo so ignorant as anyone can get that disease. And not all bisexuals have hiv. I think I'll just ignore posts as ignorant as this next time.


No stereotyping here. The STD comment is standard at TAM with all cheating and most of the cheating here is hetero.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WWH23 said:


> Like I said I use protection always I've never had unprotected sex with this guy. And I have never gotten std in my life. You're just stereotyping saying that homosexual sex means hiv. Which is imo so ignorant as anyone can get that disease. And not all bisexuals have hiv. I think I'll just ignore posts as ignorant as this next time.


Give me a f*cking break.

Fact:

"Gay, bisexual, and other men who have sex with men (MSM) of all races and ethnicities remain the population most profoundly affected by HIV."

https://www.aids.gov/hiv-aids-basics/hiv-aids-101/statistics/

Oh, and condoms? Not 100% effective.

DERP.



WWH23 said:


> Well I am concerned about her that's why I want to stop cheating. By the way the whole cheating hasn't been anything repeated. *It's just like I know exactly why I did it and don't want to repeat it. *I know cheating is wrong but I rather understand my motive and try to use my motive for good rather than bad. I don't think it's ok that's why I'm finding a solution to the problem I'm facing. I just don't want to lose her. And I don't want to continue a sexual relationship with anyone besides her.
> 
> Like I said I have to go over the fact that I have specific needs she doesn't know about and I'm going to start there. What matters most imo is I don't cheat on her. So it shouldn't be a problem like it hasn't been.


You cheated because you're possessed of poor character. Until you address and remedy that, you'll continue to cheat.

That starts w/ accountability, and THAT starts w/ a confession.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

WWH23 said:


> Like I said I use protection always I've never had unprotected sex with this guy. And I have never gotten std in my life. You're just stereotyping saying that homosexual sex means hiv. Which is imo so ignorant as anyone can get that disease. And not all bisexuals have hiv. I think I'll just ignore posts as ignorant as this next time.


The fact that you haven't gotten an STD "in your life" doesn't mean anything. You're still fairly young, and if you continue your lifestyle, you _increase_ your chances with every encounter. Besides, as it's been stated, condoms are NOT 100% reliable. 



> Well I am concerned about her that's why I want to stop cheating.


If you were so concerned about her, you wouldn't have cheated, lied and acted in a completely selfish and self-centered manner in the first place. 



> By the way the whole cheating hasn't been anything repeated. It's just like I know exactly why I did it and don't want to repeat it. I know cheating is wrong but I rather understand my motive and try to use my motive for good rather than bad.


Your "motive" was that you acted selfishly even though you claim to believe that cheating is 'wrong'. Basically, your 'motive' for cheating is the same for _all_ cheaters: They cheat because they WANT to cheat. They are concerned about their own happiness at the expense of their partner.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I don't buy it, there are all kinds of toys out there where you can do the simple act to yourself without cheating. There is a reason you want it in the flesh and your in total denial of that.
> 
> You are very young and the you don't have the experience or self knowledge to deal with this. There is no shame in that. Get yourself into a therapist as soon as possible. The direction you are going is not going to fill the hole in your life. (no pun intended).
> 
> There is an alternative narrative that fits. That you don't really "need" it up your a$$, you just want it, and you have a sh|tty character that let's you cheat just to fulfill you basic desires. The first version cuts you a lot of slack but this one seems more likely. Take your pick.




I actually used to own a dildo before I got married actually.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If I understand correctly there is a sex act that you enjoy and that you don't want to do without. Your wife is not willing to do this with you, so you have been finding other people to do it with. This is not that unusual and I don't think the genders involved matter. 

Its a uncommon, but not rare sex act. Not something one should just expect a partner to enjoy, but not really bizarre. 

Do you know for sure that your wife won't do this? If she would, that would solve everything. 

If she won't then you have a choice: do without or divorce and find someone else. 

Long term getting your needs met by cheating is not a good solution - and you know that. 

There are women who would be happy to do this with you, but it seems that you are not married to one. 






WWH23 said:


> Yeah I am attracted to men and women about equally. But the problem is I always bottom and that's basically why I like gay sex. I could easily do the same with her and our sex life would be perfect. I brought this up in the past with a past gf and it ended my relationship with her which is why I have trouble bringing it up now. Because I don't want her to think something's terribly wrong. Like last time. I try accepting it that I won't ever have as great of a sex life as I once had but I just don't know how long that'll last tbh.


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## WWH23 (Mar 22, 2016)

well I don't know for sure if she's against it or not. I'm very concerned that she likely might be uncomfortable with the idea but I'm going to at least let her know. Hopefully it'll be ok and problem will cease to exist.





richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> If I understand correctly there is a sex act that you enjoy and that you don't want to do without. Your wife is not willing to do this with you, so you have been finding other people to do it with. This is not that unusual and I don't think the genders involved matter.
> 
> Its a uncommon, but not rare sex act. Not something one should just expect a partner to enjoy, but not really bizarre.
> ...


Hopefully she's one of those women. I'll just have to see.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WWH23 said:


> well I don't know for sure if she's against it or not. I'm very concerned that she likely might be uncomfortable with the idea but I'm going to at least let her know. Hopefully it'll be ok and problem will cease to exist.


Not really.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

WWH23 said:


> I actually used to own a dildo before I got married actually.


Said no straight man ever.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If you don't know what she thinks about it, it seems worth asking rather than finding it somewhere else - which is certain to lead to disaster when she finds out.

Do you watch porn together?




WWH23 said:


> well I don't know for sure if she's against it or not. I'm very concerned that she likely might be uncomfortable with the idea but I'm going to at least let her know. Hopefully it'll be ok and problem will cease to exist.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

WWH23 said:


> well I don't know for sure if she's against it or not. I'm very concerned that she likely might be uncomfortable with the idea but I'm going to at least let her know. Hopefully it'll be ok and problem will cease to exist.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I would imagine that if you ask her to help you with this particular kink she is going to at least wonder and ask you "are you gay?" What would your response be?

I feel very bad for you- your family especially your mother is very homophobic. I have to wonder if this upbringing has forced you to bury that side of yourself and you pursued women. I don't doubt that you like women on many levels but as you stated earlier you have trouble with actual relationships with men. Because you made sure to constantly hide it from your family. Yes the sex with men is ok because it's private behind closed doors, but dating doesn't work because you can't be yourself in public or with family- you live in fear of exposure. So you chose to only have relationships with women because that is what society and specifically your family accepts.

None of this excuses cheating and lies and deception. Your wife deserves the truth for the many reasons mentioned in this thread. Tell your wife the truth and let the chips fall where they may. She may accept you or divorce you.

If she divorces you, live your life for yourself. You are only 23- still a kid in my book. Be honest with all future partners. And if your family doesn't accept you then to hell with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I've posted it before, but I guess I can do it again here. 

STDs on the Rise Press Release | 2015 | Newsroom | NCHHSTP | CDC

Most cities are having major issues with the amount of cases they have seen lately. Just google "STD increases". A plethora of information will pop up for you. 

...and FYI just because you've not had an STD yet, doesn't mean you are immune to them. My H caught one when he cheated on me. He also used protection, so there you go.


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