# how many men are tired of this



## bulldawg (Jun 10, 2011)

I ll start off with we have been married for 17 yrs. we have not had the best marriage as she has been caught several times. And I know the question why stay with her and I cannot tell you why. All I can say is there have been some great times even during the times she has been caught. We have a lot of argurments and most is something really stupid and mainly someting she has done or not done and I had advised her to do the opposite. Oh well enough of that. My question is I am tired of being the one to initiate all the time. She never seems to want to start things and if she does her idea of initiating is coming to the living room and sittin in chair and says if you want some lets go or something to that effect. I have told her many times over the years that I wanted her to be more active about the subject and have yet to recieve. I have come to the point at times and told her that if she was not going to have sex with me I would go somewhere and get it. I have not yet but time is getting close. So far I have not tried to initiate n e more either. I will take my shower and go to the living room. I dont even bother anymore. I am so far pissed about this that I am at the point to start looking elsewhere.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

What has she been caught doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bulldawg (Jun 10, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> What has she been caught doing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have caught her cheating with another male on couple occasions.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Get her a "gift certificate" for you to see a sex therapist together. Make the appointment in advance for a date & time you know she can be there for. Give it to her in a book like Under the Sheets... and _tell_ her she's going with you. Then go with, an open mind.


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Ummmm.... She cheats on you, and you complain about a poor sex life? Is that right?

I recently went through something similar, regarding the lousy sex part of your post, and I managed to turn it around rather quickly, albeit we are both still "young".

You have to read those man-up and nice guy threads on in the Men's Club House. If your married life isnt what you wanted, chances are you had something to do with it  From the various threads Ive read on here, it would seem that men and sex = women and romance. Start changing. Go out and do the things you want/ need to do to feel manly. You will gain confidence and respect. With this you become someonme who is desired by women, including your wife. Or maybe she wont. In which case you are well on your way to becoming an Alpha male and you will find a woman worthy of your respect. Easier said than done, but these are just paraphrased cliff notes. Go read the stickies.

One last thing, if she is cheating on you, chances are she initiates sex with the other guys. Sorry for saying it, tough love. You need to move on.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are her husband, you provide security and stability. She has you to treat her like a wife. She has the OM to treat her like a women. Its seems you have excepted this position and will not make the changes that you need to do in order for her to make her changes.

It sound like her boyfriend doesn't want her sleeping with another man. Or she doesn't find you attractive enough. Any way like you said its time to look else where. I suggest you take the high road and divorse her before commiting to this adulterous behavior. Going else where will not fix your current marriage.

However, if you are willing to fix this marriage then the both of you need to address her screwing another guy and why. Her "being caught" is just the iceberg, the times she hasn't been caught is the reality of it and it needs to be addressed.
I have been there and and sweeping it under the carpet is the wrong why to go about this. This thing can go on for years, and why be in an unhealthy/unhappy marriage? 

Please address this, get this out in the open, and make the tough dicision in what is the best why in both of you having a happy life.

The both of you diserve to be happy and have positive thing in your life. Trust me, take the steps now to either resolve or fix this back assword relationship.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

She's not having sex with you, but is having sex with others. Not much of a stretch here to realize there is something physically or emotionally that she doesn't find attractive in you. Best to find out what that is and correct it or you are going to be frustrated for a long time.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Bull can I ask why do you stay with a woman who has sex with otter men but is not initiating sex w ith her husband? 

What is the quality of sex when you do have it? Does she turn you down when you initiate? Is she mentally OK or does she have problems. Are you certain she is not cheating now. why don't you just keep initiating for now until you figure out how or if you want to fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I disagree with BigToe. Most people cheat because they feel something is wrong with themselves. Cheating is the fault of the cheater, not the betrayed spouse. It is your wife's responsibility to tell you if there are things you can be doing to improve the marriage and vice versa.

She has emotionally detached from you, which is caused by cheating. So if she's fantasizing about another man, she will not be interested in you.

The best thing you can do is demand that she gets some help for her chronic cheating. It is not normal or healthy. She probably has really low self esteem and gets an ego boost from these affairs. But affairs are not based on reality, they are fantasies that are conducted in secret without the demands of normal, everyday life weighing down on the relationship. The thing about cheating is that anyone can be charming, ultra sexy or whatever for a few hours a week. But marriage is about real life and your wife can't cope with that for some reason. 

Until the cheating issue is fixed your sex life will stink. For most women, they have to have an emotional connection before they want sex.


----------



## Edge (Mar 30, 2011)

The cheating would be the last straw for me. That being said if my wife came in the living room sat down and asked if I wanted some I would be on her in two seconds. What do you do when she does this?


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

If you've tolerated her cheating multiple times (ie, stayed married to her!), then you are sending her a message that says she can get away with it. She has no respect for you. It sounds like you have been settling for much less than you deserve for a long time.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'd drop this cheater like a bad habit.


----------



## bulldawg (Jun 10, 2011)

Edge said:


> The cheating would be the last straw for me. That being said if my wife came in the living room sat down and asked if I wanted some I would be on her in two seconds. What do you do when she does this?


well since she does not or will not initiate. When she does theliving room thing. I have become so tired of that and to be honest it really does not get me in the mood so I useually sit and watch TV. As Far as her not respecting me any other things. I agree on most of that. I have told her that if I caught her again I would bring someone in the bedroom and have sex with them right in front of her. 
She has threatened to leave on several occassions and I used to get upset and try to get her to stay. I no longer have that issue. I have told her if she wants to leave pack her bags and dont let the door hit her in the arse. I m so tired of trying. I now just go and do my thing for the most part.


----------



## David C (Jun 14, 2011)

"My question is I am tired of being the one to initiate all the time. She never seems to want to start things and if she does her idea of initiating is coming to the living room and sittin in chair and says if you want some lets go or something to that effect. I have told her many times over the years that I wanted her to be more active about the subject and have yet to recieve."

Yes, yes, yes plus a thousand!
I have the exact same problem! It drives me flipping crazy!
Let me know when you figure it out.


----------



## dwt2585 (Jul 3, 2011)

+1 on that brother let me know too lol


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

David C said:


> "My question is I am tired of being the one to initiate all the time. She never seems to want to start things and if she does her idea of initiating is coming to the living room and sittin in chair and says if you want some lets go or something to that effect. I have told her many times over the years that I wanted her to be more active about the subject and have yet to recieve."
> 
> Yes, yes, yes plus a thousand!
> I have the exact same problem! It drives me flipping crazy!
> Let me know when you figure it out.


I honestly do not understand all of the hue and outcry about a woman not initiating. You do know that women are kinda 'wired' and conditioned to be receptors more than initiators? Many women find it more attractive if their man is a bit more dominant and initiates the sexual contact first.

Of course, if you have relationship issues outside of the bedroom - if you aren't meeting some of your wife's needs - here is a secret: She will not be very attracted to you and likely won't want to initiate sex with you.

Here's another thing. Learn about the typical sexual response pattern of a female. They really are different than men. Most women need to be aroused first before they then feel the desire to have sex, whereas men are the opposite. If your lady is like this, then you need to work with that and woo and seduce your wife.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I know you say you do not know why you stay, but most everyone IMO knows why, whether its something they are willing to admit or not. 

There is a payoff somewhere. I do not know what that payoff is, and yes believe it or not a payoff can be negative. Not all payoffs are for good and positive reasons to stay. If you are not getting anything from her cheating or from her lack of sex with you, you would be gone. I also feel low self esteem plays a role. Once you get some self esteem/self worth you wouldn't tolerate this any longer.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

bulldawg said:


> I agree on most of that. I have told her that if I caught her again I would bring someone in the bedroom and have sex with them right in front of her.



I understand you are upset and frustrated. However, this wont fix anything, and perhaps you are not looking for it to fix anything but more so to hurt her the way she has you. It wont solve anything, and for all you know she may not even care. If she is that checked out and/or disconnected, then you doing that more than likely will not make a difference.

The best thing is, if she is not willing to work on the marriage, and if you're not either, then instead of trying to get one over on her by bringing another person in, just present her with separation/divorce papers. Nothing speaks more clearly on how tired of this you are than that.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> I know you say you do not know why you stay, but most everyone IMO knows why, whether its something they are willing to admit or not.
> 
> There is a payoff somewhere. I do not know what that payoff is, and yes believe it or not a payoff can be negative. Not all payoffs are for good and positive reasons to stay. If you are not getting anything from her cheating or from her lack of sex with you, you would be gone. I also feel low self esteem plays a role. Once you get some self esteem/self worth you wouldn't tolerate this any longer.


Don't know if I buy this, but that's just my opinion. Sometimes people stay because the positives outweigh the negatives. For example, putting up with a limited sex life to stay together for the kids. At least, this is often (I think) the short to medium term view. In my experience, the resentments and frustrations that eventually built up caused me to shut down the marriage. But I would have been gone long before that if it wasn't for the kids.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

PBear said:


> Don't know if I buy this, but that's just my opinion. Sometimes people stay because the positives outweigh the negatives. For example, putting up with a limited sex life to stay together for the kids. At least, this is often (I think) the short to medium term view. In my experience, the resentments and frustrations that eventually built up caused me to shut down the marriage. But I would have been gone long before that if it wasn't for the kids.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I understand, and yes I believe people stay for lots of different reasons that might be more positive than negative. BUT I'm saying there people who actually stay out of a negative payoff. I know thats hard to believe, but I recently read about it. It depends on the situation too. I also believe too, that self esteem plays a big role. Once you have very little left, or its all gone, that can sometimes be a deciding factor in if one stays or goes as well. I don't know to many people who would actually stay or continue to stay in a situation where they were constantly being cheated on and/or abused etc, or whatever, if they had high self esteem/worth.


----------



## EvanderS (Jul 1, 2011)

I agree with Enchantment. I think it is normal for some women not to initiate sex. Many aren't built this way.

I think Bulldawg needs to "Man-UP" and get this figured out. Stop acting like a girl and slink off to the TV... and wait for her to put the moves on. I don't think she finds this acting out attractive.

Furthermore... you are going to have to put your pride and anger aside for now and build up some affinity and begin communicating. Or get out of the marriage if you aren't willing to do this... no point in prolonging the pain.

After (and only after) you build up your relationship to a functioning level... and you have got some trust, honor, and caring going... then you can begin learning what human needs of hers were being met in this relationship. 

Then, and only then, can you bring up the idea of getting counseling. If she has shame about this... then it is going to make it harder on the both of you. So don't shame her... it's only going to make it harder.


----------

