# Checking In When Away



## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

Neither my wife or I do much traveling alone. Me maybe two or three times a year on business her once for business and maybe once or twice a year to see her family who are about three hours away from us. She will do this on the occasions when I can't get away to visit with her. 

I've always made it a practice to check in at least once daily by phone just to let her know how things are going with me and see how things are at home. I have the same expectation of her when she is away and she knows that but it seems on every trip there is one day where I don't hear from her. Tonight is the latest example. She is away visiting her family and no call or text to check in and let me know how things are. I don't know how much clearer I can make my point to her that I think it is just courtesy to do this but right now I'm very annoyed since we just had this conversation before she left. 

Am I wrong to get this pissed off about this?? I don't know what else to do to make my point that it's just common courtesy to do this kind of check in.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

I'd expect my husband to check in, and vice versa. Even if it just just a quick "Hey, I am here safe" text....

Maybe give her a quick call?


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

I expect and almost require the same thing of my wife. Now mine is really more of a safety thing as a woman driving three or four hours from home could have many more bad things happen to her than a man could.

I want her to call just to know that she made it safely. If I didn't hear from her, I may start to needlessly worry and that's just plain inconsiderate IMO.


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## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

My wife and I are in a similar situation with business travel. We don't have a formal agreement to check in, but I know she likes to hear from me daily when I travel. I can alwaysfind a few minutes to call. We have an actual conversation, not just text. Sometimes I don't hear from her every day because she likes to party with her colleagues in the evening. She won't call if she's out past my bedtime. Same goes for me. I like to hear from her, but I understand if it's too late.

If you have an agreement to check in daily, then it's reasonable to expect her to find a few minutes to call. She needs to do what she says she'll do.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

HardLanden said:


> My wife and I are in a similar situation with business travel. We don't have a formal agreement to check in, but I know she likes to hear from me daily when I travel. I can alwaysfind a few minutes to call. We have an actual conversation, not just text. Sometimes I don't hear from her every day because she likes to party with her colleagues in the evening. She won't call if she's out past my bedtime. Same goes for me. I like to hear from her, but I understand if it's too late.
> 
> If you have an agreement to check in daily, then it's reasonable to expect her to find a few minutes to call. She needs to do what she says she'll do.


I agree. That's why I'm so annoyed. We have had this conversation before. How hard is it just to pick up the phone for five minutes?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

My wife and I both travel for work. We check in at least once a day, by phone. Same if she takes her kids to her parents for the weekend - we talk on the phone several times a day. So no not unreasonable at all. 

The only time I get annoyed is if she doesn't call or text me right away when she arrives at her parents. It's 2+ hours through the mountains, no cell service. So my OCD kicks in if she doesn't call right away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, if your wife said he would call you/check in and didn't do it.....and this happens consistently then I have a feeling you have a bigger issue that triggers your anger, not the actual act of "not checking in".

You have an issue with her not standing by her word and doing what she said.

It effects your trust in that person as their WORD becomes meaningless.

I like to say "Man is defined by their word" but this applies to women as well. If someone tells you they are going to do something and they don't, well.....what does that tell you about that person?

:scratchhead:

Anyways, I would call her just to put myself at ease. And I wouldn't show my anger or even talk about this with her right now. I would just say hi/see how it's going and that's it.

Wait until next time it happens > take it on HEAD ON.

But I have a feeling this is nothing new in your relationship.......and it causes resentment/lack of trust.


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

Early in my marriage, I went on a business trip for a week and didn't call my husband to check in until I had been there for 5 days. (I think I had emailed him, though.) He was hurt, so we agreed that we would check in more often when one of us is away. We don't have a specific schedule (everyday v. every other day), just a general expectation that we will check in with one another several times throughout the trip. 

This may sound like a silly question, but is there a reason why she has to call you rather the other way around? Although checking in is now important to me, I find it's more difficult to do so when I am the one out of town vs. the one staying at home -- I'm just much busier when I'm traveling, even if it's for pleasure rather than business. Also, if checking in is not a priority for her, it may just slip her mind to call -- not because she doesn't care, or doesn't want to keep a promise or meet your needs, but because it just doesn't occur to her to call.

In my own marriage, I find that if I want something from my husband (a conversation, a cuddle, sex, etc), I should just initiate it myself rather than wait for him to do so. Waiting imposing an unspoken expectation on him, and even if he eventually meets it, I'm often so upset from the waiting that it's not an enjoyable experience. 

Granted, this works for me because I know sometimes he will do the initiating too, so it doesn't feel like we're in a lopsided relationship. If your wife _never_ initiates the phone calls, then perhaps you should come to an agreement about when/how often they should occur, and who should do the initiating. If expectations are clarified, it may be easier for her to meet your needs.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So if you've had the conversation before, what's the reason she gives for not being in touch?

And do you make a point of texting her or otherwise getting in touch when she's travelling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband often traveled for business and always called every evening. It made me feel better to hear from him. However, he would often mention coworkers who rarely if ever called home when they traveled.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I've been there, and have learned to let alot of it go.

I travel about once a month (last week up in Boston, as a matter of fact. Cool town.). For a long time, I'd call every evening, because it just seemed like the thing to do.

My wife travels more rarely, and I used to get ticked that she didn't do the same. Sort of a covert contract on my part: I did it, so I expected her to do it too. Had the conversation, but it didn't make much difference. When she was later in NYC for around 4 or 5 days with my daughter for a dance event, she called once and texted once.

Thinking about it, I realized that I didn't particularly want to call every night, either. Sometimes I was tired and didn't have much to chat about anyways. So I decided the best course was to call when I wanted to call, but not otherwise. Seems to work, and I have one less thing to be resentful about.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *DoF said*: OP, if your wife said he would call you/check in and didn't do it.....and this happens consistently then I have a feeling you have a bigger issue that triggers your anger, not the actual act of "not checking in".
> 
> You have an issue with her not standing by her word and doing what she said.
> 
> ...














SoxFan said:


> Tonight is the latest example. She is away visiting her family and no call or text to check in and let me know how things are. I don't know how much clearer I can make my point to her that I think it is just courtesy to do this but right now I'm very annoyed since we just had this conversation before she left.
> 
> Am I wrong to get this pissed off about this?? I don't know what else to do to make my point that it's just common courtesy to do this kind of check in.


I would feel the same as you.. ya know.. sometimes people don't communicate what they want...in those instances...you can see how they missed each other...and it can cause great stress & misunderstandings even, a fight may ensue... they had different expectations and assumed a little too much....

BUT in THIS case ..you have asked her, you talked about it.. and she agreed to take the 5 minutes to check in.... 

If it was me... I'd just be calling her near the ending of the night, I don't think it matters too much who calls so long as those calls are welcome -and you feel they want to hear from you..ya know....

In my world...*its just the respectful thing to do...we're touching base with our other half.*.. shouldn't we want to hear from each other....(seems for some, it doesn't bother them.. I can't relate to that at all)...

Heck I even check in with our kids!.... if we take a little vacation.. I tell them we'll call when we get there!! I call on the way home, to say "...we'll be coming down the drive in such & such, I hope the house is not a wreck!"... 

My H's been out of town for 3 weeks during the week, we chat on Fb after 4:30...he tells me about his day...and he's been calling me in the am... I know him well enough that if I don't get that morning call, he was busy...and his job is of the utmost importance.. I know when I hear from him, he'd probably even mention why he didn't get a chance to call.. we are very good at checking in.. its more a "safety" thing with us.. a peace of mind.. not that I need to hear from him 3 times a day or more, I don't...but it brightens my day to hear his voice.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My H and I check in with each other with little loving (or sexy) texts all day, even when neither of us is out of town, we're just at work.

So actually, when one of us is out of town, the check in pace is about the same.

We aren't really worried about each other, we just miss each other.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My husband works 24 hour shifts and once a year I go away for a spa weekend with girlfriends. We always check in with each other at least once a day.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I feel it is just a respectful and courteous thing to do. My wife on the other hand would have no problem going the entire trip without talking or checking in. I think she only does it because the kids want to talk to me. She is just not a "connecting" person in any of her relationships.

So, I agree that you have a right to be upset about it. But, some people are just not wired that way and they don't value others enough to do those simple things.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Just to give a different point of view, to me this is no big deal at all. I am in the military, and am often away from my family. I once did a calculation, and all told, I've been away from my wife about half of the time we have been married.

In fact, I'm living away from her right now attending a military school, and for the past few months only see her every other weekend, also holidays/vacation time. 

If I called my wife every day, or visa versa, it would get really annoying. Usually my routine is I just go to my classes, and come home and study. She does something similar. So from day to day, there are no changes and nothing new to tell. So why call? 

(*HOWEVER*: If my wife was into *phone sex*, then I probably would call every day. But unfortunately that's just not something she is into...  )

We speak on the phone a couple times a week, but we do send text messages back and forth almost every day. I do the same with the kids. 

If it bothers you so much, then just call her. But just because she doesn't feel as urgent about it as you do, doesn't mean there is something wrong with her.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I find it strange that couple don't call each other daily when they're away. It's inconsideration and disrespect.

I'd expect my SO to call me every single day AT LEAST once a day and I'd do the same. 
I do this with my family when I'm away so I think the same thing would go if I had a SO and we would live apart.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Different people have different conceptions of time.
Some people go in 24 cycles, and like the routine of repeating things every 24 hours, like a checklist/routine for each day. Other people stretch their conceptual day out over groups of days. It's a focus thing. When I'm on a project I may stay home for three days and not even leave the house. Once a neighbor asked me if I was okay. Yes, just working! No need for socializing or going out. When I'm ready for a break I'll take off for a week, whatever. 

It's a flow thing. Some people want their flow to cycle, for other people time is a sort of stream that they float along in.

It's difficult to imagine someone conceiving time as different than how you perceive it, because we all use the same clocks when it comes to transportation, logistics, school, people who punch the clock for work/formal business hours, etc. 

But actually each mind has its own perception of the world, and its own way of thinking that is unique. The passage of time is not a universal experience. A minute can seem like 5 minutes to one person and a second to someone else. And for the same person, the time perception can change according to environment and function of what they're doing cognitively.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Theseus said:* Just to give a different point of view, to me this is no big deal at all. I am in the military, and am often away from my family. I once did a calculation, and all told, I've been away from my wife about half of the time we have been married.





> *lovelygirl said: *I find it strange that couple don't call each other daily when they're away. It's inconsideration and disrespect.
> 
> I'd expect my SO to call me every single day AT LEAST once a day and I'd do the same.


Let's face it..even this is another* compatibility issue*....so many things are [email protected]#.... I would not marry a man who had a job working constantly away from home, I also wouldn't date someone in the military, I'd get too lonely.... it wouldn't be good... that's just being honest.. 

If a War breaks out and he had to go -I'd have to deal with it.. obviously.. glad it never happened.. I like to be with my man too darn much... but he feels the same.. 

We don't do text at all.. but when he's away.. he wants to touch base & talk to me AS MUCH as I want to hear from him...we are very compatible in this way...

So long as the couple is....it's a non -issue. It's an off shoot to the whole Transparency / Privacy push & pull.. when a couple is on the same page....it just flows... but if not...this can cause a contention in a marriage... *we feel as we feel*.. yet we need to come half way to please the other if we want to find peace with our partners.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Let's face it..even this is another* compatibility issue*....so many things are [email protected]#.... I would not marry a man who had a job working constantly away from home, I also wouldn't date someone in the military, I'd get too lonely.... it wouldn't be good... that's just being honest..
> 
> If a War breaks out and he had to go -I'd have to deal with it.. obviously.. glad it never happened.. I like to be with my man too darn much... but he feels the same..
> 
> ...


I think you are spot on with it being a compatibility issue, and a very important one at that, and likely one that is often overlooked. The connection between partners is maintained through communication, be it verbal, non verbal, physical sexual...it's all communication.

My STBW and I are a lot like you and your husband...big shock there I know , but we want that continuous and regular communication. The biggest difference is that we text too  We both have jobs where it is possible to stay connected that way through the day as well.

The few times we have been apart over night, for a weekend, we stay in touch and maintain that connection with phone calls and text as well as we can given the distance. As with you and your husband, we are usually never far apart physically if we can help it. Always near each other, very rarely out of at least ear shot.

Some people would find that very smothering, others would find that normal, and still others yearn for that because they don't have it. For my STBW and I, it's what we both want, what we both need. It all comes down to needs and compatibility.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Let's face it..even this is another* compatibility issue*....so many things are [email protected]#.... I would not marry a man who had a job working constantly away from home, I also wouldn't date someone in the military, I'd get too lonely.... it wouldn't be good... that's just being honest..
> 
> If a War breaks out and he had to go -I'd have to deal with it.. obviously.. glad it never happened.. I like to be with my man too darn much... but he feels the same..
> 
> ...


Agree to the fullest. The occasional travel wouldn't bother me but if traveling consistently as part of their work would be a deal breaker. I want to spend time with my SO not wonder where she is all the time. This is obviously a compatibility thing. In another thread some people were all for their partner traveling for vacation alone. If you won't even spend vacations together why the hell did you get married? Makes so sense to me but hey to each their own.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

count me among the ones who considers it disrespectful and affront to marriage not to check in every day.

I would make exceptions for certain times in military service or once in a while, but it should be a rare exception.

all OP said he wanted was a text at least for crying out loud.

IMHO means your marriage is not that important to go out of your way.............there are other things more important


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> count me among the ones who considers it disrespectful and affront to marriage not to check in every day.
> 
> I would make exceptions for certain times in military service or once in a while, but it should be a rare exception.
> 
> ...


Count me in too. There are so many good responses that I really don't have much advise otherwise except to say I'm in the same place you are: We constantly have the 'talk', W says she'll try to do better and it might last a day or even during a short trip... and then we're back to same. If W does, its a one or two line email typically 'to the family' and if I try to be proactive and call her to say good night or morning she doesn't answer :/ 

In my case, we'll have the 'talk' again when she returns but from the advise given in my thread I'll coach it more towards finding out (once and for all) where her priorities lay... is family and husband or work and escape.


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

I travel quite a bit for business... most of it in N-America.

Have made it a habit to send a short text whenever 'big steps' are taken along lines of 'arrived in (nameofcity) all is well, or ' Arrived at hotel... ' or 'day was good, going to dinner with client shortly'

It takes less than 20 secs.... 

Not too much into calling, but the key is to let them know....

Now, I have all manner of issues in my marriage, serious ones, but, this is not a biggie. (witch is why I dont call much I suppose)

I do have one question (for the OP) however. In spite of our internetworked world, there are still places where coverage is not there/difficult to find a line (you cant find a lanline/phone booth anymore afterall. Does your significant other travel in places where anyone would be inncommunicado ?


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## greeneyedlady (Apr 24, 2014)

I understand your frustration. My husband often travels for work and I have to remind him to please let me know he arrived and to at least make some sort of contact with me. I agree it is a matter of respect, but it also shows the spouse that you are thinking of them and that they care.
I admit, I get a little antsy if I do not hear from him. I am a bit anxious and worry something may have happened, but I often remind myself that he may be with friends having a nice time, or had a meeting run over. I have learned to be more flexible with his lack of communication, and he is learning to communicate more. 
Simply relay your feelings to her about how it makes you feel. I hope it improves next time.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

You're not wrong at all.

Lay it on the line to her in calm, honest, caring terms.

Pretty simple, but that's a pretty simple issue in my opinion.


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