# am i in the wrong???



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

This is my first time on here, I created a profile this morning cause I needed some feed back from other people.
To start it off I have been married 10 yrs in july. Our sex life in the last 3 yrs has been going down hill. Now I don't want to complain because I realize that after having 2 children it changes women, so I have been trying real hard to be understanding with my wife even though it has gotten to the point that we only had sex 10 times this year.
A couple months ago, my 2 yr old son opened up the night stand next to our bed and found a vibrator that I had no clue she had. My first response was AWESOME maybe our sex life is going to start to improve. So after 4 days (would have been quicker but my mother in law was staying with us) I told her what I found and that it didn't bother me she had it,, but was curious why I had seen it before. She said she forgot all about having it and had not used it for 6 yrs. Ok here is my problem I know it wasn't there 5 months ago because I put some ky intense lube for him and her in there for our anniversary that she had bought and we never used. Also the lube had quite a bit used out of it and she said it must have leaked out.
So I decided to let it go, but kinda monitor the situation a little.
I know I shouldn't spy on her like that but put yourself in my situation to go from not having sex to finding a vibrator of your lovers. She also told me that sex was just not that important to her right now. To her credit she teaches school all day and is taking college courses online so she is extremely busy.To help her out I've been doing the laundry, dishes and helping take care of the kids at night on top of working all day as well. After she is done at night she plays games on her cellphone before going to bed. I allways have to initiate sex, and most of the time she just blows me off and rolls over and goes to sleep.
So I checked her vibrator and found out it had been used again. I know because it was not cleaned off and the buttons were changed. So that night I went to bed and didn't say anything, a little later she came to bed and asked me if everything was ok, I lied and said it was not wanting a big fight. But I could not sleep so I got up to go sleep in the chair so I wouldn't keep her up. she asked again whats wrong this time I told her I didn't want to cause a big fight and we'd talk about it later. But she insisted so I told her that I knew she had used the vibrator again and was hurt she would prefer it to me.
She got mad and said she had not used it and forgot where it was for over a year. She the accused me of thinking she was having an affair and not trusting her. She then started shoving me and telling me to get out. she also went and got the vibrator and threw it on the floor and broke it up. She asked me what was going on with me and I said I guess my head was playing tricks on me.
I know she is stressed, and she has been trying to loose weight(shes going in to have gastric sleeve this summer) but am I totally nuts here??? I want to stress that I don't care about the vibe, if it helps her im all for it!!!!! But that does not give her the right to just ignore me does it??? We use to have great sex!!! I'd get her to orgasm at least 2 times every time and now I have trouble getting her to once. She also went to a sex toy party 4 months ago and bought some sex inhancement gel that she showed me and said that she got it to help her get in the mood more. Now I think she got it for her vibe. 
sorry this is so long but I would like some input and advice. To leave is not an option cause I love my wife and kids. Maybe ill have to learn to live with it. Also so I replace my wifes vibrator? (lol, well kind of)


----------



## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

Do not be a doormat.


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

im trying hard not to be one,, but how do you not be a doormat while trying to keep the peace???


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I do not think you should replace it, she broke it and if she wants another she can get what she likes. 

She could just be embarrassed about it and on the defensive, maybe it is something that can be worked out over time and maybe some marriage counseling would help.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You don't worry about "keeping the peace". You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. Get the issues out in the open, and deal with them. By reverting back to "it's all ok", you're letting her revert back to her comfort zone.

You can try "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" to see if you can change the dynamic. 

C


----------



## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

ranchman said:


> im trying hard not to be one,, but how do you not be a doormat while trying to keep the peace???


There is no peace, just 2 partners in a marriage, suppressing their emotions.

Confront the issue, don't back away. I'm not saying to act like an *******, but don't back away from the issue.


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

She is definitely defensive Do you think that she is self conscious about her weight? Do you think the weight loss surgery could improve her attitude???


----------



## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

ranchman said:


> She is definitely defensive Do you think that she is self conscious about her weight? Do you think the weight loss surgery could improve her attitude???


It's obvious there's little communication in your marriage.

Find a time to talk, then discuss this situation with her.

You're expecting too much from us, we know very little about your situation or your wife's pov.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If I were you, make her sleep on the chair and while she's trying to get comfortable, maybe she can think about why she has to sleep there.

In any marriage there has to be some "give and take" but when you give, she takes and gives nothing in return but giving you a hard time about it, you have to stop being the nice guy and lay it on the line. 

How can there be any peace in the house when your being turned away from making love to your wife. If she has time to work a sex toy, why can't she give you that time. 

Let her know that the both of you need to see a MC and work this out or it's only going to get worse. If she wants the marriage to work, she'll go with you. If she refuses, then you got a whole new ball game and changes need to be made, but stop being the nice guy. They finish last all the time.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

It is hard to say what is going on with her. I find even women with very healthy bodies are self-conscious. Losing weight might help self image but it might not increase her drive. 

If she is masturbating than you need to figure out why she prefers that to sex with you in a non-threatening non-accusatory way. This can be nearly impossible to do but it helps to give the person time to process.

In other words when first confronted with the question of vibrator usage the initial reaction might be embarrassment and lying about it or counter accusations. Or I suppose it is possible that she might not be using it and you are wrong. (even though that does not seem likely)

But perhaps now that the issue is open maybe a bit of time and continued discussion will help her to open up about that question.
Or maybe not. 

I suspect you will get a fair number of people here that will suggest that you are not being male dominate enough and she actually wants to be taken in a more assertive manor. If she is masturbating is it because she is fantasizing about different behavior from you, because she just prefers clitoral orgasms and convenience, she is making an effort to explore and or drive up her libido, or what?


----------



## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> She the accused me of thinking she was having an affair and not trusting her


Random. Strange thing to accuse YOU of.


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

thanks USMARRIED, you've been helpful, I've tried things like a night out and got a motel room and that has been successful (but spendy) so I think she's trying, I guess id like to hear from somebody if it is possible that she is using the vibe to try and get herself back on track sexually if you know what I mean. Ive read books,, and researched online a lot,, and am just trying to get some other peoples perspective on my situation. I've even spent time talking with my best friend and his wife(who is good friends with my wife) and they can't figure it out


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

"Random. Strange thing to accuse YOU of." 


I know right???


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Part of being the man, is being alpha male and the captain of your relationship. Once you start being a door mat, nice guy, she will notice this and walk all over you. By you not wanting a fight, "talk" about it later makes this even worse. Most ladies deep down never want a nice guy, talk, not fighting, door mat. They will walk all over you and treat you badly.

By her getting so mad at you about lying about the vibrator use and other things, affair?, I wouldn't be surprised if she is seeing someone else and using the vib during the away times. Otherwise, why flip out and get so mad if its nothing?!

The guilty ones get mad and flip out, defensive but the innocent ones are calm and about talk it.

She accused you of an affair? I bet she had one or is having one to justify hers away....


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

as far as an affair,, I don't think that is possible, Not that I don't think she would do it, but she never has the time we live out in the country and when ever she leaves she allways has one of the kids with her. Now is she having an online affair???? that could be


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Online affair, possibility. Emotional Affair for now......vibrator for the physical part......you call her on it and she flips breaking the vibrator and accusing you of an affair.........what do you think?


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

to be fair,, she dint accuse me of having an affair, she thought I was accusing her of having an affair. and yea I think maybe she is having an emotional affair, but ive checked out her phone history and computer history and have found nothing.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My point is she should of never flipped out, broke her vibrator and almost accused you of having an affair. This smells of guilt and defense on her part.......something isn't right.

It's not difficult to delete texts, emails and your histories for internet browsers, etc. All too easy.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> To start it off I have been married 10 yrs in july. Our sex life in the last 3 yrs has been going down hill. Now I don't want to complain because I realize that after having 2 children it changes women, so I have been trying real hard to be understanding with my wife even though it has gotten to the point that we only had sex 10 times this year.


Is the 2 year old your youngest child, or is the other child younger? Obviously, 10 times per year isn't enough, OP, but as you're aware, a woman's hormones can cause her to have less desire for sex for some time after the birth of a child. If the 2 year old is your youngest, though, I'd say her hormones should've evened out by now, and you need to address the issue by talking about increasing the frequency of intimacy to at least once or twice a week.

It sounds like there is quite a lot going on in your W's life right now. Work, studying and adjusting to motherhood, it's possible that she's having difficulty mustering up the required energy for full on sex, and has been using the vibrator as a quick form of release (rather like a man masturbating in the shower).

I can understand how this must be hurting you, but you really do need to communicate fully with her about this in order to get the physical intimacy back on track.


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

cosmos, the 2 yr old is the youngest child, and we have talked about it some, she has said that maybe things will slow down for her after Christmas and she will try to be more intimate with me, I just am trying to figure out how to talk with her calmly and not make it sound like its all her fault. I honestly think that is the problem, she is feeling like it all on her,, and that I wont support her,, which I cant figure out where that comes from. But I also don't want to become a doormat for her!!!! I just wish I could figure out how to have a calm discussion on this!!!!!


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

We very recently had another man in this situation. I can recall the name of the thread, though.

No knowing your wife, of course, here's my take.

1) She is lying about not using the vibe - sounds like you have adequate proof she was using it and the gel.

2) She likely got mad and defensive because you called her on it.

3) Generally speaking with women - sexual intimacy follows emotional intimacy. I think many women fall into the trap of starting to keep things locked inside and this in turn builds an invisible wall of resentment. Then it becomes a case of the effort to get through the wall and connect with a spouse - masturbating is so much easier.

4) Also generally speaking - when a habit is set of sex once per month this also builds an invisible wall that is so much more trouble than masturbating. 

5) It take a lot of work to resolve these issues and often young mothers who work and go to.school do not have it in them at the time. I believe this is a common cause for a down slope with sex.


----------



## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, I am going thru a similar siutation myself. My wife was masturnating 2-3x a day and having nothing left when i got home. I too was frustrated and hurt like you. I know you said you are doing everything for her and the house to help etc...and that is great, but its not helping or the cause of the issue. You might think you are being the best person in the world to her but trust me there is something missing from her perspective. It could be the most simple thing, but to her it could be a big thing. It took me to post my issue here and get great feedback to get a breakthru. You got to keep up communicating with her and letting her know you want to find out so you can work on it together. The simplest thing from her could be a clue for you to pickup on and go from there. I stopped doing more and more for her thinking that would help because she isnt seeing that right now. Its just letting her have more time to stay in her zone.

Also drop the vibrator inquiry. Believe me she knows she got busted and has been using it, but if you make that the focal point instead of what is leading her to replace you with it, you wont get anywhere. In someway she is probably glad she got caught so its out there. Just focus on her and what is missing on her end instead of the toys. If she is feeling attacked than she will put up a wall and not think you are trying to get to the root cause. 

Does she read? My issue was my wife got lost in the world of erotica novels on top of not feeling great about herself etc...so it was easier for her to get lost in that world and take care of herself. It was less emoitionally draining for her. And with me doing everything to cater to her, it gave her no incentive to change. Just be patient, keep trying to talk, and dont take the vibrator as a knock on you. Good luck.


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

thanks eagle that helped!!!!!!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think she is busy, tired, and feeling unattractive due to her weight, and simply wants the release of orgasm without all of the other "stuff" that goes along with actual sex with another person. Is it fair to you? No, but I can guarantee you that is what is going on.


----------



## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

Inappropriate anger is a defense mechanism that works on you, so you have to stop asking how to approach this and "still keep the peace". Translation: How can I approach this but still let her cow me into submission?

The correct response to inappropriate anger is to keep your own emotions in check and calmly tell them it is not going to work on you. You can put your arms around her lovingly while at the same time telling her you are not going to accept this behavior. 

One of the most important things is what the kids learn by seeing and hearing these kinds of interactions. They need to learn what a man is by watching a man in operation. If they see a man being cowed by anger they're going to learn the wrong lesson and even use it against you in the future.


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

thanks all for the input. Still processing all this and planning what to do next. I've already backed off on helping with the housework, my feeling is if shes just not feeling like sex,, I just don't feel like helping anymore maybe that is wrong but oh well. I also have back off on attempting to have sex and romance with her. My theory (im probably wrong ) is she needs to maybe take a break and a long look at herself and why the intimacy is leaving the relationship.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

That is pretty immature. She works full time takes care of two kids and is advancing her education in the evenings and your response is that you will not help around the house as much? 

Failing in your responsibilities as a parent is no way to improve your marriage. I do not think she will appreciate one more child to look after. 

Ten times a year may be unacceptable -that is OK. Tell her that, make a plan for it to change. If it does not than split. But in the mean time try to be positive.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Backing off will only take you two further apart.

You're trying to have a big impact by being passive, and that will totally take you backwards!

Are her needs important to you? I bet they are. You just need to know what they are so you can meet them. Women have such a difficult time identifying their needs because we're not supposed to have some of them if were trying to be modest, or virtuous, or a good strong feminist. Yes, feminism has contributed to a lot of confusion for women who are heterosexual. The truth is, we need a strong man. The truth is we need to feel desired and sexy, even if we can't allow ourselves to feel that since we've also been bombarded with Victoria's Secret and the like.

Are your needs important to her? I bet they are. I also bet she isn't fully aware of how important sex with her is to you. I bet she doesn't fully understand that it's not just sex, but sex with her. That sex with her for you is how you feel her love for you. A lot of women don't really get that last part. This is where you need to step up and be assertive about your needs.

She has some stuff to work through, but she doesn't get to ignore your needs as she works through it.

Ignore the vibrator use.
Talk to her about your need for sex with her to feel her love for you.
Set and open and loving atmosphere in which she doesn't get to hide her feelings, but feels both safe and challenged to think and talk it through.


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

usmarriedguy, I should have explained myself,, I didn't say quit helping, but im not going to break my back working all day to come home and do chores for her at night if she is going to just sit on the couch playing games on her phone instead of showing me some affection, is what I was saying


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Sorry but I don't like this at all. Only because it somewhat relates to my experiences and they didn't go well.

Firstly me ex-wife (wayback) was an entertainer who, I later discovered, did erotic dances for extra cash; all unbeknownst to me. She was in a band as well....anyway I found a videocassette near our player which I didn't recognise. I played it and it was her doing her dance thing wearing only a g-string and feather boa at a Pub which had a room at the side for Buck's nights etc.. 

Some girl she did the show with videoed it. I was curious more than upset but when I asked her about it she smashed the tape to pieces. But clearly she had left it out for me to find. 

The thing is that I knew she was cheating. It was just a red flag she was waving and then denying. The truth is hard to face let alone admit.

My current WS (wow, lucky in love huh?) suddenly had a new vibrator early last year. This one was different to the one I bought her about 8 years ago. This one actually looked exactly like a well endowed erect d**k. OK we had a little fun with it, but back then when I questioned her, because the purchase was out of character, she made light of it. I never really understood why but didn't really worry. I thought it was an exciting change in her to some degree.

However, the truth is it was a red flag I once again ignored. She acquired the 'real life' vibe around the same time she started her affair. To this day I wonder if that scumbag bought it for her or she did in salute to him. She will not admit a thing. I can only surmise that the pleasure it bought her (and us - errrrgh) has more to do with him than it does with me.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ranchman said:


> usmarriedguy, I should have explained myself,, I didn't say quit helping, but im not going to break my back working all day to come home and do chores for her at night if she is going to just sit on the couch playing games on her phone instead of showing me some affection, is what I was saying


I agree with you. She will notice some things missing when you stop filling those needs. Its effective and direct communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Oh I see, you have been doing extra stuff in addition to your 50% share to give her more free time so that maybe she will want more sex.

If this is correct than make sure she knows why you are doing this extra stuff and what you expect in return. But if this was a deal you both agreed to and she is not meeting her side than I agree you should stop doing extra for her.

In any case I think you should try and solve the problem through open and good communication and not by withdrawing or expecting her to know what you are thinking.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Oh I see, you have been doing extra stuff in addition to your 50% share to give her more free time so that maybe she will want more sex.
> 
> If this is correct than make sure she knows why you are doing this extra stuff and what you expect in return. But if this was a deal you both agreed to and she is not meeting her side than I agree you should stop doing extra for her.
> 
> In any case I think you should try and solve the problem through open and good communication and not by withdrawing or expecting her to know what you are thinking.


Most of the time they cannot hear, so you speak with your actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

just a little update,, 
Things have gotten much better!!!! We have had sex 3 times this year with her initiating twice. I think when I look back now, I needed to let her cool down and think about it. Only problem now is that im a little quick on the trigger which I thinks stems from me trying to get her to enjoy it more. I just wanted to thank all of you for your posts, believe it or not it helps. I didn't take all advice, but I added a little from all. Are we out of the woods yet? no, but with work I can see it getting better!!!! thank you all.


----------



## tryingtodoitright (Jan 14, 2014)

well let's see...

everyone masturbates. it's that simple. point of fact.

now that being said, is your problem that she is opting to masturbate but not have sex with you OR is your problem that she's masturbating in the first place? if it's #1, i get it. you need to sort it out together. if it's #2, you need to sort it out on your own.

i don't think you're really in a doormat position here (i'd say i'm one, trust me), so i wouldn't get too defensive. YET. try to talk it out, let her be as honest as she will. tell her that you won't judge her response, that you just want to sort it out and be there for her. see where that takes you.

it is odd that she accused you of thinking she was having an affair without prompting. that makes me think twice. was there ANYTHING else said that you didn't mention that would lead to that vein of conversation?


----------



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

first,, the fact she used a vibrator did not bother me as much as the fact that sex had stopped. As I look back now,, I REALLY think it was more do to feeling uncomfortable with her self and that she is allways on the go and was just wore out. Also I don't think she realized how bad our sex life had gotten. As I said earlier she is now getting the gastric sleeve and her attitude has gotten better.


----------

