# Getting him to tell the truth..



## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I have a feeling that my husband although he loves me is not attracted to me anymore. I have asked him a number of times over the passed few months and he says that he is. But actions speak louder than words right? A little over a week ago I stopped all initiation of sex on my part and we have not done anything since.

I used to have a lower drive (YEARS AGO) and for the passed year especially I have had a higher one at first he seemed to like it but not so much anymore.

It even seems over the past week or more he has been avoiding going to bed until he thinks I am sleeping. Like tonight. NEVER does he stay up passed 9 when he has to work at 5 the next morning but tonight he didn't come to bed until just after 11. He said goodnight and rolled right over. I came downstairs for something and I saw his phone so I picked it up and started looking through it. Sure enough there were some downloaded porn videos on it. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with him looking at porn but it wasn't there a couple days ago when I used his phone to take pictures so it means that he would rather watch those than have sex.

I attempted to go back to bed and I just couldn't lay next to him anymore so I grabbed my pillow and headed back down to the couch when I got to the door he asked me what was wrong and I just told him it wasn't worth the discussion because he can never be honest. He likes to sweep things under the rug too much. All he did after that was tell me to F&*&( off a couple of times and he went back to sleep.

I know he isn't cheating and the one reason why I know this is impossible because we only have one car at the moment. He leaves for work with just enough time to go there and he is always home right after he gets out. 

If he is not feeling attracted to me anymore I want to know but I don't know how to get him to be honest with me? What are the chances that all of a sudden he will tell me the truth when I JUST asked him this not too long ago?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

First off he needs to stop looking at porn. If he doesn't have enough sexual stamina for you, he doesn't get to spend any on the computer pixels. You need to tell him you need him to stop for a while, or go to counseling about it.

Secondly get his testosterone checked, it may have dropped over the years.

It could very well be that he is attracted to you, just that you don't feel it because he isn't having sex as much as you want/need. Just out of curiosity what kind of sexual frequency are you looking for and what is he delivering on?


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I would like it to go back to 2-3 times a week like it was before. The problem is that if *I* don't initiate it doesn't happen. That is why I figure he just doesn't have the desire anymore.

I don't see why he would choose to watch porn instead of coming to bed if he doesn't have a problem.

I was thinking for a while maybe his drive is just really low now but if he is doing that he is obviously thinking about it. Just not with me.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Porn is like fast food. It's quick, easy and cheap but not good for you. Still lots of people eat a ton of it.

Same thing with porn imo. No foreplay, no fuss, no mess, no nothing but a quick (not that satisfying) mini-climax.

I don't care what people do in their homes, but I do think it's selfish to leave a spouse wanting for more while using porn. The spouses needs come before porn in my book, and I think you'd be wise to ask the same of him.

After he gets off from porn, it will keep his drive in check for a while if he's normal.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

The real question is why did he get started on porn. Did you refuse him.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

hadesl said:


> Does he think the porn videos are more attractive than you? Why he become tired with you? I think you need to have a talk with him and let him be honest to you. Are you sure he doesn't have unfair with others? If you want to be loved again, you need to know waht he has done with his mbile, that is to say you need to monitor him.




The first two questions I am not sure of the answer, only he has the answer to those. Whenever I try and talk to him he isn't honest with me. He likes to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. 
Because of the situation with having only one car and him having no time unaccounted for I can say that no, he is not having an affair.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

accept said:


> The real question is why did he get started on porn. Did you refuse him.




I can honestly say I have not refused him in a LONG time so this is why I am having such a hard time understanding what is going on with him. 

I talked to him for a few minutes this morning. He was ever so pleasant and asked me what the F my problem is so I told him I didn't think he was attracted to me anymore and I wish he would just be honest with me instead of making us both suffer and he told me I was fing crazy (none of this was in a nice tone) So I have no idea.... if it wasn't true wouldn't he feel bad that I felt that way?? Is this really how people act?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Mrs.K said:


> I would like it to go back to 2-3 times a week like it was before. The problem is that if *I* don't initiate it doesn't happen. That is why I figure he just doesn't have the desire anymore.
> 
> I don't see why he would choose to watch porn instead of coming to bed if he doesn't have a problem.
> 
> I was thinking for a while maybe his drive is just really low now but if he is doing that he is obviously thinking about it. Just not with me.


He just sounds a little lazy...and I know what you're going through! Went through a similar thing with my H.

Seriously though, if all you have to do is initiate to get him on board, why not just do that? Put thoughts of being unattractive to him out of your head, or you will make yourself crazy.

Initiate! That was the advice I got (here) and it has worked.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

BTW...he has GOT to stop swearing at you and speaking to you so disrespectfully...


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

You ask him a question, he tells you the answer. You don't like the answer, so you don't believe him, repeatedly.

You stopped all initiation of sex.

You say he is not having an affair, yet you snoop through his phone.

You go back to bed, then out of the blue throw a temper tantrum. You refuse to even explain why you are throwing a fit, then insult him.

I believe my reaction would have been close to your husband's.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I couldn't agree with you more on that. Whenever I want to have a conversation he doesn't want to his mouth gets so nasty. 

Well, I really don't have a problem with initiating but I just think it is odd that someone that used to have such a high drive seems to have no interest at all. Where he never really does I can't get it out of my head that maybe he is repulsed when he has to touch me. Then I feel like maybe he is just doing it because he feels he has to.

YEARS ago I had a very low drive and I once mine increased we had a problem too and I THOUGHT we had worked through it. At that point he wasn't initiating because of the past and saying that he was used to getting turned down etc and I understood that and I have done my part, I thought we were on the same page. 

Every time there is a conversation like this things change for a week or so then it is back to the same thing. So what else can I think than I am getting pity sex?


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

The most unattractive person, is a person who is convinced they are unattractive.

They will project that with amazing intensity.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> You ask him a question, he tells you the answer. You don't like the answer, so you don't believe him, repeatedly.
> 
> You stopped all initiation of sex.
> 
> ...




It was a temper tantrum and I don't like that is how I handled it but you have to understand for YEARS my husband tells me what I want to hear to avoid a conversation that he doesn't want to have. He will agree with me or tell me things to later throw it back in my face and then TELL me he was just trying to shut me up. It is crazy because the only reason for that is because HE doesn't like confrontation or any topic that is the least bit uncomfortable for him.

I was looking for porn in his phone, of course I found it. I am a pretty damn good wife and I do everything for him. All I want is for him to show some desire for me. Is that too much to ask??


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

He tells you what you want to hear because you repeatedly ask the same question, not believing what he tells you. That would frustrate the hell out of me. I would stop answering completely after 2-3 times of that.

You chose to avoid the confrontation. You would not even tell him what the confrontation was supposed to be about. Instead, you took your pillow and left, firing off a blind insult in the process.

You got out of bed to go snoop through his phone, then came back to bed mad when you found something. Again, he is supposed to read your mind.

I would not define those actions as being "pretty damn good". In fact, I would call them extremely passive-aggresive and hurtful. You push, he backs off.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Mrs K ~

A few things that come to mind in reading your post:

The first is ... the level of insecurity that you are projecting to your husband. If you are projecting this insecurity, basically asking him all of the time "do you find me attractive?" "do you find me attractive?" "do you?" "do you?" "do you?" ... that is actually very ... unattractive, and will ensure that he will NOT find you attractive. A confident, self-assured person who KNOWS they are of value and who KNOWS they are attractive and who ACTS like it will be attractive to their mate.

So, stop asking the question, and start ACTING like you are. Be confident in yourself, spend time doing things that YOU enjoy doing, anything that you have lingering that needs to be taken care of ... such as exercising or losing weight or getting a new hairdo ... go out and do.  MEM's thermostat thread in the Men's Clubhouse is the gold standard one describing what to do when you are acting overly needy and over-heating your partner and you find them pulling away from you because of it: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

Next, I don't really believe that porn is something that it's okay to do just because "guys will be guys" and they do it because they aren't getting what they want. If that truly is the case for them, then they are making a pretty good case that they really are weak individuals and are too afraid to confront and try and resolve the issues that there are ... in otherwords they are hiding and avoiding ... and THAT is very unattractive in them.

You should think about what boundaries you have regarding the lying and the porn and ways that you can enforce them. If you constantly run into miscommunication, no communication, bickering, and fighting, maybe you need to consider a professional to help you two work through it.

Best wishes.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

What happened last night isn't the norm for me. I usually want to talk things out etc. 

And I don't ask him all the time if he is still attracted to me but yes it has come up in the passed few months a couple times because of what I get from him and that is not much. If anyone has tried to make things better it is me and last night I was pissed. Not only the lack of sex but there is lack of affection and playfulness that used to be there on his part. 

Maybe I didn't handle last night the right way but he has his fair share of things that he doesn't handle correctly either. When it comes down to it and I have said it to him before.. I don't think he takes our relationship very seriously. Last time I told him that he told me to go to hell.

Really though, I am not a nagging wife like I said last night was not the norm but he has been acting different and I was trying to find out what was going on since talking isn't his strong point I snooped. 

This has been an ongoing problem with him just agreeing with me to avoid conversations. Even on simple things that wouldn't have to be a fight and it is not topics that I bring up over and over again. 

I don't find myself to be unattractive it is how he makes me feel though. I stay at home with the kids and I always make an effort to look nice when he comes home, I workout and all that. I can't remember the last time he gave me a compliment. When I am getting changed he doesn't even look in my direction when he used to be more playful and I really haven't changed all that much in the past year. So I guess what I am getting at why does he get off scott free without putting in any effort? 

I was trying to give full disclosure and last night perhaps I was wrong but I can assure you that is not my normal behavior.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

We just talked for an hour. I finally got somewhere with him. He says that sex has gotten boring lately and he was too afraid to hurt my feelings to bring it up. I am glad he finally told me because now I have something to work with. 

He says he is going to work on being more forward with me instead of just going along with things to avoid conflict at least.

He finally told me what it is that he wants. It is something that I don;t really have interest in but I am totally willing to try and see if I can like it too


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I really hope that some good things come from that conversation, sounds like he finally opened up.

Try and get your mind into doing w/e you two agreed to, so that when you are there you can be in the moment as much as possible. Being tense or pensive will ruin the experiment I suspect. Maybe take a nice relaxing bath sometime earlier in the day and just pamper yourself a bit.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Mrs.K said:


> I can honestly say I have not refused him in a LONG time so this is why I am having such a hard time understanding what is going on with him.
> 
> I talked to him for a few minutes this morning. He was ever so pleasant and asked me what the F my problem is so I told him I didn't think he was attracted to me anymore and I wish he would just be honest with me instead of making us both suffer and he told me I was fing crazy (none of this was in a nice tone) So I have no idea.... if it wasn't true wouldn't he feel bad that I felt that way?? Is this really how people act?


His nasty tone is becasue he knows what he is doing (the porn) and he more than likely feels guilty about it. He's on the defensive. Instead of asking him if he's lost interest in you maybe you should let him know you found the porn on his phone and tell him how it makes you feel. Let him know you would love to be having sex with him more often, and that his porn watching seems to take his attention away from you and it hurts.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Mrs.K said:


> Is that too much to ask??


In my opinion, _everything_ is too much to demand. I can't demand that Carol respect me. I have to be respectable in her eyes and mine. I can't demand that she desire me. I have to be desirable in her eyes and mine. The list goes on. 

I honestly have no idea what's going on with your husband. I've gone through similar periods and the reasons were not the simplistic stuff I read here. In the end, I think you're going to need to ask him _and_ believe the answer. If the answer doesn't make sense to you, then you need to explain why it doesn't make sense [to you] and ask him to help you to make sense of it. Only he really has the answers but I can guarantee you that there are more options than "porn addiction" and "affair".

Were it me, I'd be curious about the anger. Something is getting him angry -- just globally angry. I strongly suspect that if you find out what that thing is, then you'll be on the road to solving this problem.


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