# I want her to leave



## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

I feel that I have made a huge effort over the last 6 months working through MC, reading relationship books and getting help here but none of my efforts are getting through to my W. She still treats me in a disrespectful manner and shrugs away my touches. Any sex we have is only at her whim and I was reduced to practically begging for it. 

Now I want her to leave as I feel her constant refusals are a breaking of our wedding vows. I would like advice on how I go about getting her to leave. We have 3 children 14, 13 & 7. I am willing to mind them, but should I tell the eldest before I pack her bags? She has at least 2 places she can go to live, so that is not a problem. She is legally entitled to half the worth of the house so can I change the locks? 

My W is stubborn to the point of stupidity and I don't know if getting her to leave will jolt her to reality or not, but I am really miserable as things stand. If she decides to change her ways I will allow her back otherwise I think I will seek divorce.

I plan to let her know I want her to leave during our MC session this Tuesday.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

lonesomegra said:


> I feel that I have made a huge effort over the last 6 months working through MC, reading relationship books and getting help here but none of my efforts are getting through to my W. She still treats me in a disrespectful manner and shrugs away my touches. Any sex we have is only at her whim and I was reduced to practically begging for it.
> 
> Now I want her to leave as I feel her constant refusals are a breaking of our wedding vows. I would like advice on how I go about getting her to leave. We have 3 children 14, 13 & 7. I am willing to mind them, but should I tell the eldest before I pack her bags? She has at least 2 places she can go to live, so that is not a problem. She is legally entitled to half the worth of the house so can I change the locks?
> 
> ...


*Whatever you do, you absolutely must not tip her off that you want out of your marriage.* If you do nothing else, heed that advice well.

From reading your posts I get a sense that she simply does not care much for your needs and best interests - and you're still married and trying to resolve the problems. Once you drop the "D" on her, you can expect what little regard she has for you to go right out the window. Why would you give her a chance to hide assets, run up expenses, etc?

Get a lawyer first, get advice on what you can expect to happen as you separate and get ready for divorce, understand what you need to do to protect yourself, and get to it. The first things to come to mind are to have your own credit card, an emergency cash stash, a backup plan in case you don't get to stay in home, copies of all important financial documents (bank statements, mortgage documents, deeds, tax returns, etc.). I'm sure there will be others depending on your circumstances.

Then, when everything is done, you drop it on her. You might even want to do it in counseling if you suspect she migh accuse you of mistreating her later. Until then, bide your time and pretend you are going along with the process of working things out.

Also, know that these forums are indexible. Google bots can get in here and search and archive this stuff. Unless you are absolutely, positively sure your anonymity has not been compromised, I would not post anything of what you plan to do here (now that you have made up your mind and are not in advice-seeking mode). In fact, you might want to delete this thread just to be extra safe.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You can ask her to leave all you like, but she's just as entitled to live in your house as you are. In fact, if she came in here after you asked her to leave, the standard advice would be "He wants a divorce? Let him move out!". 

My advice, talk to a lawyer first, find out what your rights and responsibilities are. Then proceed based on that advice. Be firm but fair on what you're offering, and for everyone's sake (especially you and the kids), try to keep things amicable. Getting into a massive pissing match will just feed the lawyers and cause the kids a lot of pain as they get caught in the middle.

Good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You can't make her leave and she's unlikely to do so voluntarily because of the kids.

You're only hope would be if you had some type of leverage over her to motivate her to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

I do not want a Divorce right now but I would really like her to leave to get her to realize how serious I am about this. If this fails I feel Divorce is my only option. By the responses here although I am not the person in the wrong it seems I might have have to leave the house rather than her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wouldn't leave, that abandonment looks bad in court. However I would ask her to leave, and she may not, but the statement alone shows how confident you are in letting her go if she continues to behave this way.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

lonesome,
She is under no legal obligation to leave the house. It's hers too and shes owns a share. You cannot force her leave in the absence of physical abuse. You can ask her to leave but she will most likely, and rightly so, just say no. Not sure what kind of person your W is but after she gets word you want her out you are going to have to be on guard for false accusations of domestic violence. She can do this to get a restraining order to have you kicked out and pay ALL the bills. Carry a VAR on your person when dealing with your W from now on.

And if you want to show her that your serious, then tell her your feelings (with VAR of course). Packing her bags for her will do no good and likely you will find yourself on the business end of a protective order.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

I wonder why she is not interested in sex?

There are a lot of reasons that can affect a woman's libido. Hormones, stress, problems in the marriage, depression.

Is her problem not being interested in sex altogether or not interested in sex with you?

Not being interested in sex altogether to me would suggest a physical or psychological problem. Not being interested in sex with you would indicate the problem is definitely in your relationship.

You say you want to use kicking her out of her home as a wake up call about how important sex is to you? That seems a bit extreme to me if you are not serious about ending the relationship.

To have sex with someone you feel resentful of or when you really don't feel up to it would feel like being a prostitute. What an awful feeling to have when you are supposed to be making love to the love of your life.

I understand you have needs and you've had a number of comments about that, but what about your wife's needs too?

Something is definitely wrong. Either you work on it together or you go your separate ways...only be serious about it, don't use kicking her out of her home as a tool to try to get your own way, unless you really mean to end it.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> I wouldn't leave, that abandonment looks bad in court. However I would ask her to leave, and she may not, but the statement alone shows how confident you are in letting her go if she continues to behave this way.


I would like to prove to my W I am serious but up to now she has not responded to what I've done. Do you think this will hold more weight if I ask her to leave when in MC?

Also Married in Va that is a fair assessment of how things are in relation to my W's rights. I have a few VAR devices but have never used them for this purpose. It is something I need to consider as it also ensures that I can listen back to my language and attitude towards my W. 

I am feeling sick to the stomach all day. This is very hard.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Read Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. Very eye opening on what to do in your situation. Look at the table of contents and read the chapters that apply to you. If there is no affair, skip that chapter, etc. 

Good point on using the VAR to listen to yourself. This is a good feedback loop and it covers your butt if she decides to use false DV charges to try to get YOU out of your house.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Bambusa said:


> I wonder why she is not interested in sex?
> 
> There are a lot of reasons that can affect a woman's libido. Hormones, stress, problems in the marriage, depression.
> 
> ...


My W has said she simply Does not like Sex and has said this a lot over the last few months. She had a full medical and the doctor said she physically is fine. It is in her head and although she was abused as a child the sex therapist seems to rule this out as being part of the current problem. 

I am really scared and fearful of the future because this time I am serious.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

Is it that she doesn't like sex at all, has absolutely no drive whatsoever or a different drive to you?


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Bambusa said:


> Is it that she doesn't like sex at all, has absolutely no drive whatsoever or a different drive to you?


She says she does not like sex at all, but to me this is a total lie as she has it about once or twice a month with me and it is only when she is in the mood. 
My W has said she doesn't feel safe with me during sex. This to me is a great contradiction and it seems to me that her own sexual urges are able to overcome her fears.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

What does she mean by safe though? Does she mean safe enough to open up? Sometimes safe doesn't mean that you are talking about physical harm, it could be that she doesn't feel safe with you emotionally?

Just digging a little.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

She doesn't sound like she's using sex as a way of controlling you. There is obviously something wrong, a reason she is feeling like this.

No amount of brow beating or stamping your feet or threatening to kick her out if she doesn't comply is going to get you what you want in the long term, IF you are interested in being with her.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

So basically I either put up with this or end the marriage?


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

Not at all. There is a lot of in between there...not just those two choices.

Talking about telling her to leave the house if she doesn't put out might just put the nail in the coffin though if she calls your bluff.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

So what do you suggest I do? I feel totally broken, I am avoiding her as much as possible for the last few days and I neither want to talk to her nor even look at her. I spent a day in bed to avoid her also.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

I don't know enough about the ins and outs of your marriage to know what's the best solution for you.

When my husband and I were going through our really rough few years. Mostly relating to his crazy ex wife, sex with him was the VERY last thing on my mind and the more he pushed, the less I felt like it and the more it left me feeling like there was something wrong with me because of it and the more I resented him, perpetuating a vicious cycle. 

Our MC suggested he back off altogether and to put all focus on fixing some of the other critical things and revisiting it again later.

It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and instead of fighting him on it, I actually felt like initiating it more. We still don't have the same level of drive, but we are a lot more settled and what we do have is very much a quality interaction, even if the quantity my husband would like is not there.

Reading 'Where Did My Libido Go' was a big help for both of us too in understanding what can kill the urge and some insight into how to overcome it.

I don't know what will work for you, but these are the things that helped us.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

I have backed off a lot and tried to deal with some other issues. I thought my efforts might be rewarded with a small bit of physical affection but instead I got shouted at.

I grew up in a house where I had to deal with little affection and I don't believe I am over that ordeal. I do not want to re-live those feelings ever again.

I am praying that God gives me some sign that I can get through this or that my W can really change her ways, but from the hell I'm in now I see only burnt sky and falling ashes.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

If you don't want her to use it as a reward, don't treat it like one. I really back off when my husband does something for me with an agenda. Not saying that what you did but it's probably how she felt.

What I'm hearing over and over again is that you believe your wife is wrong. Because does not feel like it as much as you do. So your level is right and hers is wrong.

I don't believe women hold off from sex because they want to punish their partners, it's mostly simply because they really just don't feel like it. There's usually more to it, than just wanting to be cruel. To have sex with someone when you don't feel like it and because you feel pressured into it is not nice for anyone and I'm sure that's not how you would like it to be either.

I'll put it to you like this. If you were having issues with impotency and your wife continuously told you there was something wrong with you because of it. Would it make you MORE likely to be able to perform or less?

I think it's the same for women. It's a lot of pressure.

There is something behind it. She may not even be able to put her finger on it, but she knows she has no interest and the more you tell her she is wrong for feeling that way the more likely it is to become more of a problem.

My husband and I read 'where did my libido go' and it was really good for both of us to understand some of the things that can kill the urge. Hormones, stress, relationship issues. 

It's rarely about, 'I don't love you, or I'm not attracted to you', it's often more about, I'm not connected to you right now.

Get to the root of what the issue is and it's very likely down to an issue that you both need to take responsibility for, not just her. Sometimes it's not about changing her, but about changing yourself or how you relate to achieve the outcome you want. 

Have you seen a MC?

I wish I had the magic wand for you. Read 'Where did my libido go' though, even if she won't. It has some good stuff in it.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

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Catherine602 said:


> Lones you are not being honest about what is going in in your marriage and the sexual history with your wife. I remember your post because they were destubing. It sounds like you have learned nothing over the last 6 months. It sounds as if you are as selfish as you were before your wife stopped having sex with. I think you will never get your wife to have sex with you. She finally checked out good for her.
> 
> This has got to be among the all time most disturbing post that I have read in a long time. That anyone would think this is ok astounds me. Is a person who is not getting sex have the right to punish their partner and children by throwing everyone our! What about the affect on his kids? Is the scorch earth approach really the ethical thingy to do? If his sexual servicing is the most important consideration, maybe it is.
> 
> ...


Catherine I feel your attack is far too strong and incorrect in many parts. I need to especially correct you on the issue of oral sex and any other forms of sex. I have never ever forced my W to perform any sexual acts against her express will. This is something she would say to you herself.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

I am still married, my wife says she loves me, many times today. We are trying to turn a new page together. I am taking no action in regard to leaving nor asking her to move out. I need help with my mental resolve and need to cope with rejection better.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Lones - i know that 6 months is a long time to work on something and get no results. I remember that you agreed with the sex therapist to stop having sex with your wife. You tried and it did not work in 6 months. 

If that is your limit, then make plans for your next step and for your kids. You gave it your best now to the next stage. 

In my opinion, it is not ok to punish and treat your wife with contempt. She will suffer enough when the marriage fails. She will review her mistakes and be sad that she could not do better. Instead of anger and blame, have compassion for her.

It sounds as if she is struggling as are you. But she has a problem because of the past and she deserves the gift of your forbearance. 

You will do better than she will after the divorce. You are healthier, not by much though. She is psychologically scared by something that was not her fault. 

That is why you need to take care of your kids, your self and be as kind and understanding as you cam during the process of separating from her. 

To be cruel to her is unmanly, to treat her with contempt is inhuman. Not having sex with you is not a reason to treat her badly. 

I am sincere when I tell you that I think you need to do some serious work on yourself if you want to sustain a relationship with a well adjusted woman. 

I don't think a psychologically healthy woman will put up with your apparent self- centeredness. You have a troubled marriage but you cannot hide behind that. 

Your behavior defines your character no matter what the circumstances. There is always a dignified well considered solution to any problem. 

This is independent of circumstances. I think your reaction to the lack of success is unreasonable and too destructive to innocent souls. It is mean and vindictive. 

Please look at what you are doing not for your wife but for you. You are not at responsible for your wife's dysfunction. But you are responsible for the way you handle it.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

PBear said:


> You can ask her to leave all you like, but she's just as entitled to live in your house as you are. In fact, if she came in here after you asked her to leave, the standard advice would be "He wants a divorce? Let him move out!".


That's a fair-enough point. It I were the OP, I would not ask my wife to leave. I would simply get my ducks in a row and stop validating her poor treatment of me. No more kissing butt, no more MC without her demonstrating a willingness to change (otherwise it's just wasted time and money). Do a 180, in other words).

The OP's wife sounds like she expects a very high level of consideration from him. The question is whether she is willing to give back equally (sounds like "no" from what we see here). If he does the 180 and reduces her to polite roommate status, she will in time either treat him better or leave. No way will she tolerate being minimized; and no matter how she chooses to respond his problem is solved.

My earlier advice was given only because he wants to press the issue.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Don't disrupt kids lives by your lack of adult behavior . Get a grip. separating them from their mother or throwing them out of their home is nothing to be proud of.. Be a man, you leave for te sake of their stability. That's what parents do and men most of all. They show strength, control and protection of their kids.


Seriously?

I totally get (and agree with) the part about disrupting the kids lives as little as possible. But, regardless of who leaves, the kids are going to be majorly disrupted.

So, the question becomes, why does he owe his wife anything? If she is not willing to meet his basic needs, why does he owe her a life of comfort at the expense of his own? Is that something you think a man owes a woman in general? Or, is there something you feel he did that makes his wife's inability to have sex his fault, and because of that he should leave? If so, please explain, because I'm not seeing it.

For that matter, it sounds like his wife has serious emotional issues owing to childhood abuse. Aren't we making an even bigger assumption that his wife is the superior parent here?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

lonesomegra said:


> I am still married, my wife says she loves me, many times today. We are trying to turn a new page together. I am taking no action in regard to leaving nor asking her to move out. I need help with my mental resolve and need to cope with rejection better.


I was curious where Catherine602 was coming from so I just went back and read some of your other posts and this one thread explains a lot from Feb of this year, 4 months ago, it's also where does some comparison's about the sexual abuse from her grandfather and sex with you -- that alone is a huge issue and a lot to deal with and your W seems to be pretty verbal about that and how it has and continues to affect her sex drive, coupled with some things you apparently did roughly 2 years ago?:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/experiences-counseling/39290-breaking-more-than-fixing.html

With that said, you mention your temper/anger and you also mention your W not feeling safe with you, is it because of your temper? And you are still wondering why you are not having sex with your W? It was pointed out a few times that things like this can take years to heal from... I'm not sure I'm understanding your haste in all this...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Catherine, 

While your advice is well-meaning, IMO is it not reflective of the realities of life with an abuse survivor. I have my extensive personal experience, have spoken with men similarly situated, and spoken with multiple counselors regarding this issue; so allow me to share a few observations.

People from abusive childhoods focused on their own wants and needs and unable or unwilling to empathise and compromise in an appropriate manner. They sometimes also think that they are owed something in return for having a bad childhood. Such people tend to be self-righteous and selfish. Decisions are overly geared towards personal gain and lack appropriate regard for the needs, feelings, and priorities.

It is unlikely that she will feel remorse at her conduct during the marriage. She may regret the loss of a stable family life, but that's not the same. She likely will chalk up a divorce to circumstance ("it just was not meant to be") or blame him ("I was abused so I deserve special treatment; I was an excellent wife and met every reasonable need he had").

While it is not okay for him to treat her badly, it is okay to be indifferent and business-like in divorce. She has strong signs of placing her comfort above all else now, and you can expect that to increase when the divorce comes. She had all the forbearance to which she was entitled during the marriage up to and including that six month sex moratorium. She chose to bring an unhealthy self to the marriage and not correct her actions; she needs to prepare to reap what she has sown.

While she does deserve compassion for what happened in her past, he should not coddle her or disadvantage himself to better her situation. Ultimately, we need to remember that, when faced with a choice between being a good wife or maximizing her own comfort, she chose the latter while knowing how bad the lack of sex made him feel. I am not saying her actions were right or wrong; rather, they simply _were_ and it's entirely appropriate that he take an equally self-centered approach.

You are making a huge assumption in saying that he is innately self-centered. IMO, it's more likely that she was self-centered due to the abuse she suffered and he had to develop some self-centeredness in defense. If you take most unselfish and giving person in the world and put him or her with someone who abuses that trait, that person will toughen up - quick.

Contrary to your suggestion that a healthy woman will not tolerate him, I think I healthy woman is exactly what he needs. Such a woman will have the necessary empathy and sharing skills to give back and sustain a relationship with him.

I would suggest that he do some introspection to figure out:
1) if he has an unhealthy attraction to troubled women, and
2) if he stayed this long out of a fear of leaving rather than a genuine desire to heal the marriage. It seems he was told he could not get what he wanted - ever. That can mess with your self confidence big time.

Lastly, rather than just saying he should leave since he wants out of the marriage, we need to consider what is best for the kids. It would be nice if we could assume that the selfishness she is showing towards him would not extend to her relationship with her children. But, my personal experience has shown that we cannot assume this. There might be a good reason he wants her to leave so that he can remain in home with the children, and we should not ignore that.

At the end of the day, we need to keep in mind that this is a case of will not, not cannot. The OP's wife _chose_ to bring an unhealthy self to the marriage, _chose_ to keep things cool in the bedroom, and continues to _choose_ to keep things cool when he has made it clear (via the ongoing marital counseling) that these are important issues to him.



Catherine602 said:


> In my opinion, it is not ok to punish and treat your wife with contempt. She will suffer enough when the marriage fails. She will review her mistakes and be sad that she could not do better. Instead of anger and blame, have compassion for her.
> 
> It sounds as if she is struggling as are you. But she has a problem because of the past and she deserves the gift of your forbearance.
> 
> ...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cherry said:


> It was pointed out a few times that things like this can take years to heal from... I'm not sure I'm understanding your haste in all this...


The haste in fixing this is that (1) his marriage has been cold for a very long time and (2) she keeps throwing up roadblocks / different reasons why she is not meeting his need.

Things have been cool for many years in their bed - how much longer should he wait for an improvement? She also said that she would never do what he wanted - that does not sound like someone open to change or deserving of much understanding.

I have been in a similar situation to this, and my epiphany happened when I asked myself if my ex even cared about my needs. I finally came to understand that, if at a given moment I were to drop dead or suffer a catastrophic injury, she would not feel bad for a moment that she had failed to provide a good experience even once while I was able to enjoyed.

But, that understanding came only after I insisted she answer the tough questions and refused to be dismissed with "I'm working on it" or "maybe later" or "that issue again?". In fact, I regret not pushing sooner - forcing her to "sh!t or get off the pot", so to speak. Although he has no desire to leave currently, I don't blame him for wanting to know the truth about his wife's intents so he can figure out what he wants to do with his life.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Sorry, it just seems to me that he is not being patient at all in the sex department with his wife. He was asked to not push for sex with his wife (4 to 6 months ago, getting the threads mixed up), and he decided to abstain from masturbation at the same time... Does the OP explain why he is abstaining from masturbation during this difficult sexual time?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Bambusa said:


> No amount of brow beating or stamping your feet or threatening to kick her out if she doesn't comply is going to get you what you want in the long term, IF you are interested in being with her.


That's the rub, isn't it? My take is that he does want to be with her, but he's given this some thought and is starting to realize that she will never be the sexual partner he desires, so he is struggling with one of two options:

1) Stay put and resign himself to mediocre-to-bad sex, or
2) Move on with his life (not necessarily divorce, but move the marriage to the back burner at least and seek his own happiness).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Sorry, it just seems to me that he is not being patient at all in the sex department with his wife. He was asked to not push for sex with his wife (4 to 6 months ago, getting the threads mixed up), and he decided to abstain from masturbation at the same time... Does the OP explain why he is abstaining from masturbation during this difficult sexual time?


I believe it was a six-month moratorium. FWIW, I think we have a disagreement on the definition of patience. I certainly think that six months is plenty of forbearance. He should definitely see significant improvement in six months; conversely, zero improvement in six months is a pretty convincing sign that she does not intend to change (at least not for him) and he should stop "spinning his wheels" and work on next steps.

BTW, in another thread (I think - I get them mixed up too) he noted that sex was less than once per month for an extended period. So, while there was not a complete absence of sex, it was so infrequent (and possibly of poor quality) to be considered negligible in the impact on his decision-making.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

I have not read back through all my own posts but I would think that about 20 or 30 of them are frivolous and unrelated to my own marriage issues. Perhaps I should go back and see if I contradicted myself anywhere but I believe I have written what I felt at that point in time and I have softened on some of my earlier convictions because of MC. As has been pointed out I have come across recently as presenting my W as 'wrong' so this is an aspect I need to work on and try to see things from my W's perspective.

I had a post written in relation to my MC session on Tuesday but I lost my internet link and hence the message. There were some developments and my W opened up and gave us in the counselors words 'something to really work on.' This was a breakthrough and although we are are back at the starting line taking baby steps it might actually help in the long run. 

I am as amazed as some posters here are that my W's abuse is not being persued in great depth. She only attended IC once. It could indicate that the memories are hugely suppressed and she is unable to elaborate on them. 

Sex is a huge issue here as my W is terrified that I am continually educating myself about it, although never in front of her. How can I talk about a subject without learning as much as I can about it first? She has for the past few days been physically more affectionate towards me and that is her approaching me. I am wary of how I hold, kiss or hug lest it be misinterpreted. Perhaps she was really afraid of losing me and is now aware of some of the sticking points in our relationship. (She walked out of MC and then returned about 15 mins later.) 

I suppose this is a time for me to learn patience and cherish what I have.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Do you know what made her fear you roughly 2 years ago, or what made her not feel safe with you?

P.S. I like what you wrote . It's a bit more positive sounding than the original post. Nice.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

That time over 2 years ago we had anal sex (to which she consented) and it hurt her a bit. It seems that she felt she was duty bound to have this sex and that she has rebelled against the concept of sex being a marriage duty ever since.

It was not her first anal experience and the fact than on occasion she rocked back towards me during it indicated that she enjoyed it somewhat. Perhaps her and I both putting on weight changed the sex a bit and that triggered a bad reaction to me.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

lonesomegra said:


> That time over 2 years ago we had anal sex (to which she consented) and it hurt her a bit. It seems that she felt she was duty bound to have this sex and that she has rebelled against the concept of sex being a marriage duty ever since.
> 
> It was not her first anal experience and the fact than on occasion she rocked back towards me during it indicated that she enjoyed it somewhat. Perhaps her and I both putting on weight changed the sex a bit and that triggered a bad reaction to me.


Or perhaps she felt ashamed that she liked a position that some people think of as "dirty"?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

lonesomegra said:


> That time over 2 years ago we had anal sex (to which she consented) and it hurt her a bit. It seems that she felt she was duty bound to have this sex and that she has rebelled against the concept of sex being a marriage duty ever since.
> 
> It was not her first anal experience and the fact than on occasion she rocked back towards me during it indicated that she enjoyed it somewhat. Perhaps her and I both putting on weight changed the sex a bit and that triggered a bad reaction to me.


I can somewhat understand the first half of your post, and it sounds like it was painful physically. 

But I don't get the second half. Are you saying the weight may have made the sex painful? 

Sorry if I'm asking too many questions


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Cherry she has complained a bit about a sore back when in some positions. Weight or a lack of exercise could contribute to the discomfort. Anatomy is not my strong suit but if a coxis (spelling?) was hurt this might change anal pleasure.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Lones I wanted to share with you my experience with anal sex for your info. If she has not had anal sex in a while, it is like the first time. Also, I have experienced soreness afterwards but not during the act. 

Sometimes it starts off OK and then starts hurting during the act and we have to stop. Another thing is that some times I cannot relax enough to do it for some reason. 

Another thing is that you may have gone to deep and fast at the end and she did not stop you. The receiver has to absolutely be in control and you have to stop doubting her feelings in this and all things. 

I think part of the effects of CSA is the child feels powerless over what is happening to them. But she is an adult now with a man who loves and cares for her. 

She has to give you the chance to compromise and to take care of her by telling you what she wants and feels. I don't see why the therapist does not address this. 

What does she mean that she is terrified that you are educating yourself about relationships and sexuality? 

May I suggest that you try this. Tell her that you are reading to learn how to be a better partner for her . She may think you are devising more things to do to her and not with her. 

I think the therapist should address some of her reactions and the connection to the abuse and help you handle her behavior that is effective for survivors.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

In terms of educational reading as far as I can gather my W feels this creates a learning chasm. She is left behind and I am ahead of her 'in the classroom.' This has to do with her own self esteem as she admits to being a poor reader if she has to read aloud and does not like to read books and barely browses newspapers. Much of my reading has to be clandestine in nature. I think she sometimes feels belittled by some of my abilities and talents. The irony being she has a slightly higher level of qualification than me! 

The MC suggested by reading of sex it heightens my W's fear that I might bring some aspects of intercourse into play that are too much for her. 

But for the third time in six months my W said in MC that I can go out and have sex with other women if I need it so much. My response of 'do you really mean that?' was taken to mean by both the MC and my W that I felt this was a form of rejection. I am starting to wonder is this really an option my W would be happiest with.


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