# She left...say's she done.



## TeaTree (Mar 6, 2014)

Hello. My wife of 2.5 years left about 4 months ago, initially to have me work to get her back (she verbalized this), but about 2 months ago she took of her ring and said she was done. 

We were a great couple. We always saw eye to eye on most things and could talk about anything. Times were tough though...Throughout our entire relationship, about 10 years, we have mostly been living in other peoples homes. We only had 2 years on our own. After we were married, we moved into her sisters house to help them with babysitting, and to save money because I was in school. She supported me during school and we always talked about our dreams after I graduated. Well, I did it, I graduated last May and got my job in October...she left in November.

Anyway...she is the love of my life and I am the love of hers. Everyone knows this (family, friends), only she doesn't think she is the love of mine. She took off her ring on Jan 8th and has not reconsidered reconciliation since. I have written letters, and have begged, gifted, and done just about everything to have her consider working on our marriage. She wants nothing to do with it. She says she has seen the changes in me, but wishes I would have put in the effort before she decided to take off her ring.

The only time she wants to discuss anything anymore is when we are dividing assets. I have tried reverse psychology by taking of my ring and saying that I wanted to get this over with asap. This did nothing but push her further away. 

All of our bills are now separated. She will answer my calls, and will respond to my texts, as long as I'm not telling her anything that is coming from my heart. She says that she is willing to visit my therapist with me if only to help me cope with what is going on. Otherwise, she is dead-set on not making any effort to save our marriage.

She said that she never felt loved, adored, or appreciated in our relationship. She says that she wants that from day one, and doesn't want any baggage associated with it. I, along with most of our friends and family, have tried to understand why she won't try, but no one can get through to her. She says she still cares about me, but isn't in love with me anymore (something I've seen a lot of people say on here). She says that there is nothing I can do, and would just like some closure to be able to move on with her life. However, she does want to remain friends. 

She is very cold to me, and I believe she is being very honest when she says that it's over, and that there is not someone else. She is not like that...it will take a long time for her to be able to become intimate with someone else. 

I just want to know if anyone has any thoughts/advice/insight? I know I need to use this time to work on myself, and that I can't make her love me/change her mind. I am considering NC, but don't know if that's the right choice because I feel that is what brought us to this point in the first place (me not caring...in her eyes). 

Any words are greatly appreciated. I will post more details if needed. Thanks.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds like she found someone else.
Sorry but at least you are not tied to her with kids.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

TeaTree said:


> Hello. My wife of 2.5 years left about 4 months ago, initially to have me work to get her back (she verbalized this), but about 2 months ago she took of her ring and said she was done.
> 
> We were a great couple. We always saw eye to eye on most things and could talk about anything. Times were tough though...Throughout our entire relationship, about 10 years, we have mostly been living in other peoples homes. We only had 2 years on our own. After we were married, we moved into her sisters house to help them with babysitting, and to save money because I was in school. She supported me during school and we always talked about our dreams after I graduated. Well, I did it, I graduated last May and got my job in October...she left in November.
> 
> ...


Take a deep breath and collect your thoughts. It's ok to feel hurt, it's normal. Know that you're not alone and the people on here can give you some good advice. Accept it. You don't need her pitty, so the is no need for her to go with you to IC if she has no interest in R. I'm still learning as I go. I do know that the 180 seems to be the best approach for now. People can break you down if you let them. You shouldn't have to compete for her love
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TeaTree said:


> She is very cold to me, and I believe she is being very honest when she says that it's over, and that there is not someone else. She is not like that...it will take a long time for her to be able to become intimate with someone else.


You are a fool if you believe this, ANYONE is capable of infidelity. I am not saying that is happening here, but dont bury your head in the sand about it, because its very possible that is whats going on. Speaking from my personal experience, I fell out of love with my second husband because of the way he treated me, and I was never, ever involved with another man. It does happen. My suggestion to you is just to let her go. Go no contact, and start working on building your life for yourself.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Same story over and over again using the same old lines. There must be a cheaters manual out there.

I'd bet anything there's someone else.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

...and your problem is what?

No kids, short marriage...the divorce will take about 15 minutes in court. Make sure you insist that she pays for it since she wants it.

She says she doesn't love you. Believe her. Let her go. You can't make her love you. Do you want to be bound to someone who doesn't love you?

If she says she doesn't love you, who does she love?

Do you really want to compete for someone who says they don't love you?

Consider yourself blessed. Now you can red pill and go smash some strange.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

RSFWID said:


> Take a deep breath and collect your thoughts. It's ok to feel hurt, it's normal. Know that you're not alone and the people on here can give you some good advice. Accept it. You don't need her pitty, so the is no need for her to go with you to IC if she has no interest in R. I'm still learning as I go. I do know that the 180 seems to be the best approach for now. People can break you down if you let them. You shouldn't have to compete for her love
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Live your life if it's meant to be, it will be. But play it smart keep your ear to the ground. It sound like their is a missing piece to this puzzle. I would be very alert to my surroundings from this moment on. What are some of things she seems to have a problem with in regards to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

TeaTree said:


> She is very cold to me, and I believe she is being very honest when she says that it's over, and that there is not someone else. She is not like that...it will take a long time for her to be able to become intimate with someone else.



Yeah, I thought the same thing...but every case is different. Your image of your wife does not accord with her other actions.

Follow the 180 and detach. If you try to "work to get her back," that will end up pushing her away anyway.

Take care of yourself. Go out with friends, hit the gym, eat well and sleep regular hours as much as possible.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

All of the same BS my wife gave me. Almost verbatim. There did indeed turn out to be another man. Don't let her blame you. She's cheating and will do wherever she can to make herself the victim and hide her affair. You're in for a rough ride but thankfully came to the right place.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Never believe a partner won't cheat. It may or may not have happened in this case but the potential is always there. She's ready to move on. Let her.


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## TeaTree (Mar 6, 2014)

RSFWID said:


> Live your life if it's meant to be, it will be. But play it smart keep your ear to the ground. It sound like their is a missing piece to this puzzle. I would be very alert to my surroundings from this moment on. What are some of things she seems to have a problem with in regards to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has always insisted that I don't love her. She has thought this since before we were married. I have never been very in-tune with my own emotions, and I treat people how I would like to be treated. If I'm upset, I want to be left alone to think. I would occasionally fall asleep on the sofa. I was in school, and always had a lot on mind mind and would sometimes stay up late just trying to decompress. I am just now learning that I need to treat her how she needs to be treated, and not how I would want to be treated. I tell her that is what marriage is; working through each others problems together...she doesn't want to hear it. She says I was never there for her when she needed me.

We have always had a sort of silly relationship. We would always kid around and play with each other. I would make her smile, and that would be the best feeling for me. We never (not never, but rarely) had romance. We were both okay with this. One day it changed. She wanted more romance and adoration from me. I couldn't see it then because she never wanted to communicate that directly to me. She never wanted to rock the boat out of the fear that I wouldn't want to be with her anymore. I can see it now because I've opened up and learned so much. I want to continue to apologize for the way I made her feel for so long, but I have already done that. I have apologized, looked for change, and worked on myself more than I have ever done in my life. She wishes I would have done these things before she took off her ring. 

She also doesn't trust me. She thinks that I have cheated on her. I never have...That is not something I've ever done in any of my past relationships. I would never do that to my wife. It's just not something I'm capable of. I thought about it once, before we were married. But I immediately came home and told her about it because I felt so bad. Still, she does not believe me.

She had a very difficult childhood. She came from a broken home, where her parents hated each other but still lived together for 15 years. She has major trust issues with her father, from abuse to abandonment. 

Other than that, she thinks I'm a wonderful guy. She would tell you in an instant that I'm the love of her life. I'm just not good for her. She thinks that I am going to be able to move on and make my next partner extremely happy, especially with all of my new soul-searching and learning. This is what makes is hard for me to consider 180 or NC. I just want to show her how much I love her, how much I've always loved her, and how much I am willing to fight for our marriage. She just doesn't trust it. 

She does say that she knows it would be better/different if she came back, but she just can't do it. She has always put herself to the side to meet my needs and is no longer willing to do that. She wants to be selfish and not have to worry about anyone else. She would only be coming back because of me, and that would just be putting me first again. 

Basically, I was a selfish guy who couldn't give her the love and adoration she needed until it was too late. And I will have nothing but regret for the rest of my life that I didn't.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

TeaTree said:


> I want to continue to apologize for the way I made her feel for so long, but I have already done that.


Look up codependency. Try something else.

What is the image you are projecting? Are you projecting an image of strength that she would respect? Or an image of neediness that she would not respect?

The 180 helps you. May not win her back. But you will respect yourself.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

TeaTree, sorry to hear about your situation. I think it's a tough one, I mean she wants her space so the best thing to do is give her space and don't beg/plead for her to come back. Trust me it only makes you look less attractive and will push your W further away.

When my stbxh ended our relationship it was very sudden, he didn't have any solid reasons as to why but just that 'he didn't want to do this anymore'. 

For a long time I have found it so difficult to let him go completely. He even came after five months and was telling me how much 'he still loved me' and that he 'had made a mistake'. We spent time together for three months even though he was seeing another woman (he started seeing her two weeks after he ended it with me).

It ended badly, with him making up a lie just to end it with me and he is still with the ow till this day. We don't speak and haven't seen each other since 01st December 2013. 

I do hope things will be different for you and your W and I hope there isn't someone else on the scene. Because trust me once there is someone else involved, it becomes ridiculously hard to save the marriage. 

My stbxh kept saying to me that he wished he hadn't started a new relationship so soon, and tbh I think that was the one thing that held him back. If the ow wasn't on the scene he wouldn't have lasted a month without me. 

I know it's easy for everyone to tell you to give her space and let her go but tbh I think you should give her space as she has asked for it. She does sound very certain with her decision. I don't want to give you false hope, I lived off false hope for 8 months, convincing myself he would see sense and come back. 

But don't do that to yourself, you need to make sure that you know there is a life without your W and you can do all the things you want and more. Yes it is very painful right now and you might not believe me but it will sink in eventually when you start doing things for yourself and realising that you don't need someone by your side or holding your hand. 

I was told that if you really love something, let it go and if it belongs to you it will come back. 

I really hope things get better and keep us updated on TAM, everyone is so supportive and it certainly has got me through such hard times.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

TeaTree said:


> She has always insisted that I don't love her. She has thought this since before we were married. I have never been very in-tune with my own emotions, and I treat people how I would like to be treated. If I'm upset, I want to be left alone to think. I would occasionally fall asleep on the sofa. I was in school, and always had a lot on mind mind and would sometimes stay up late just trying to decompress. I am just now learning that I need to treat her how she needs to be treated, and not how I would want to be treated. I tell her that is what marriage is; working through each others problems together...she doesn't want to hear it. She says I was never there for her when she needed me.
> 
> We have always had a sort of silly relationship. We would always kid around and play with each other. I would make her smile, and that would be the best feeling for me. We never (not never, but rarely) had romance. We were both okay with this. One day it changed. She wanted more romance and adoration from me. I couldn't see it then because she never wanted to communicate that directly to me. She never wanted to rock the boat out of the fear that I wouldn't want to be with her anymore. I can see it now because I've opened up and learned so much. I want to continue to apologize for the way I made her feel for so long, but I have already done that. I have apologized, looked for change, and worked on myself more than I have ever done in my life. She wishes I would have done these things before she took off her ring.
> 
> ...


Don't buy that crap, if she were to come back, would be cause she wants to save her marriage.
Don't let her mess with your head. Pictureless said it best, you don't need her. Repeat it to yourself everyday until you believe it, that's what I'm doing. Consider yourself blessed you have no kids, imagine if you did it would be ten times worst. I know it's easier said then done, but do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love? I know I don't. If she were to come back, deep down inside you would always wonder if she really love you. I know you don't want to live that. It's one thing for her to say I love you but I can't but up with your sh!! anymore. That's a different story to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaTree (Mar 6, 2014)

I just realized that I completely screwed up the title to my thread! I meant to say: She left...says she's done.

Anyway, I really appreciate everyones insight into my situation. The hardest thing for me is that the only thing I have wanted to do for the past five years is to turn around our relationship so that I could be a man to my wife by supporting her and showing her how much I appreciate her. This was difficult for me because I didn't feel like much of a man, and even less of a husband. She always took care of me, and supported me in any way she could. I was always looking forward to the time when I could turn it all around. And when that time finally came, it was too late. This is why it has been so hard for me to figure out what I want for myself, because I have spent so much time concentrating on the future as us. Sure, I could go golfing, rock climbing, and travel, but I would only be doing those things to occupy my time. Even when I do go out, I just think about how much fun we used to have together and I get stuck in this 'tunnel vision.' It's just tough. That is also why NC or 180 would be difficult for me. It would be a lie...I would just be lying to myself each and every day. I know I don't need my wife, but I do know that I cherish the sanctity of marriage. I don't want to lose that no matter what happens. 

I do have a question though. Her birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. Should I get her a gift, or should I just leave her alone? I want to get her something just so she can feel special (whether she wants to be with me or not). I also don't want her to think that I have given up so easily if she is even remotely considering R. I want to do this by making her feel special to me, not by me being desperate (I am done with that part of the process). Still, I don't mind putting 'my' life on hold for the next year if there is even the slightest possibility of R. I know that next year, if things don't work out, I will be able to move on knowing that I did everything I could to save our marriage. I owe it to her, and I owe it to myself to do whatever I can to work on our marriage. I made that commitment to her, a commitment that I don't take lightly.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Tea, 

Enough. Your wife has told you and is showing you she's done. She's chasing tingles - just not from you. Actually, the more you chase her at this point, the worse things will become. I understand that might not make complete sense at this point. 

You don't want to hear this, but I think your wife has someone else. She's following the walk away wife (with OM) script perfectly. The script has many parts and it includes an on/off switch (she's off now - for good), cold/distant, rewriting marital history, removal of ring, being the good soul trying to help you cope through this (she's fine - right?). She's seeing someone else. She's not going to be honest with you about this. It is imperative to her this whole thing is your fault and she can walk away. You think she wants to be responsible for this? She's going to put this all on you, and if you or her family knew about whoever it is she may be seeing, it's on her then. 

I can tell you're hurt and confused. What you need to remember is that you are wholly responsible for 50% of the marital problems. The other 50% is hers and walking away is on her. Stop shouldering the blame for this and allowing her to put this on you. You need to remove your emotional hose from her. She doesn't want to hear how you feel. I know that is painful. She's wrapped up in her walk away fantasy. She's her number one priority right now. She's not the same gal you married. 

Stop chasing her. I suggest going NC - text or email only. No birthday gift either. Anything you say, do or give right now is seen to her as an obligation. You need to mentally detach from her.


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## BrokenAndShattered (Mar 7, 2014)

If you feel that she hasn't found someone else, then she probably hasn't. I know its easy for others to say this but you know her more than anyone. I may not be in the place to give the best advice but I think that you were more committed to the marriage than she was. My husband was the same way. He walked out and then shortly after filed for divorce. Did you guys try counseling or did she just leave and never look back? To me, that is not the definition of how a marriage works. I think that there needs to be an effort on both parts and that everything should be tried before ending it. Sad thing is, most people just think its easier to walk away. That's why divorce rates are what they are today. I hope that once you are healed you find someone who will be devoted to you and be genuine about their wedding vows, someone who loves you unconditionally and will stick through the bad times.


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## BrokenAndShattered (Mar 7, 2014)

P.S. - Instead of buying her a birthday gift, go buy yourself something instead or treat yourself to a nice dinner. My husband's birthday is tomorrow and I will be going out with friends to drink to keep my mind off of the fact that I've spent every birthday for the past four years with him. Trust me, she probably expects you to reach out to her on her birthday just like I know my husband will. I won't give him that satisfaction. I'll let him sit and wonder. He left our marriage and has not looked back. Why does he deserve anything from me?


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## TeaTree (Mar 6, 2014)

She hasn't found anyone else. She may be interested in looking, but she hasn't been able to do it...yet. If she did, she would tell me. We don't play games with each other like that. We still have a great amount of respect for each other. If I was seeing someone else I would tell her. She just doesn't love me, or better yet, can't love me anymore. Plus, she knows that I would be able to move on a lot quicker if she did find someone. She would want to tell me asap. 

We tried counseling back in September, but the counselor told her that she had deep seeded issues she needed to work on before I could even begin to try to climb over her 'wall.' I agreed with the counselor in that I can't be responsible for her feelings. She needed to take responsibility for herself, and I would be there to support her. She saw this as an attack and said I was unwilling to work on things. She left a couple of months afterwards.

She left with the expectation that we would work on things. But when I tried, I was met with resistance. I would then shut down. Then I would try again. I would get more resistance, so I would shut down again. Eventually, she said she couldn't do it anymore and said she was done. I think she was done before she left. I could see it in her eyes. I really didn't have any help during that time. I was trying to do it all on my own. It's only after the fact that my eyes have opened and I've begun to learn many things about communication. Too little too late as she says. 

She is now having fun, living with roommates, going out to bars, exercising, playing sports...all things I begged her to do while we were together, she just thought I was attacking her. I really just wanted her to have fun and be happy. I think she leaned on me for her own happiness and I couldn't always give it to her. It was a huge expectation to live up to. Sometimes I just needed time for me (as selfish as that is). I was happy, but she didn't think I was. She always though I would leave her for someone younger/better looking. The thought never crossed my mind. She was going to be my one and only forever. She makes a lot of assumptions on my part. Always has, always will I guess...

I guess she just thought she would beat me to the punch, ha!


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## TeaTree (Mar 6, 2014)

"I may not be in the place to give the best advice but I think that you were more committed to the marriage than she was." - This was supposed to be a quote from B&S. Still trying to figure the site out...


That couldn't be further from the truth. She was absolutely 100% committed to the marriage. I wasn't. I can see that now. I'm not beating myself up over it, it's just a fact. I was so busy concentrating on finishing school and working towards our future that I didn't stop to look around and take care of our relationship in the now. This is why I want to try so desperately to show her how much she means to me. I neglected her for a long time, and I just want to show her everything I'm willing to do to make it up to her. 

Again, I'm not continuing to beat myself up over it, and I'm not groveling at her feet either (at least not anymore ). If she doesn't want to try then so be it. I'm a good looking guy who works with children who likes to cook, laugh, and enjoy life (These are things I need to say to keep my confidence, because, in reality, it's at an all time low). I just think it's worth the chance to mend old wounds, especially when you're married and know that you are supposed to be together. We both know this, she has just lost sight of it through the pain.


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## BrokenAndShattered (Mar 7, 2014)

I hope that she thinks long and hard and sees what you see. I really wish you the best of luck. It seems that you have recognized where improvements were needed on your part.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Tea,

Please listen. Forget what you think you know and learn the truth.

Your wife has already fired you as husband and wants the guy/life she's leaving you for. That's what she wants. How do you know? Because if she was into you and the marriage she would still be there. 

Mine did the EXACT same thing. She used MC, separation and false R as her exit strategy while she ate cake and weighed her options.

By the time men understand the seriousness of the circumstances it's usually too late. We don't read minds and we believe what they say while ignoring what they do. Their message is in their actions.

All men get $hit tests in a relationship but you're way past that now. Look at what she's doing. She's living like a single woman. That's your answer. 

She will never admit to leaving you for another man but when that becomes public you will be blamed for her hypergamy. They hate owning their POS behaviors. Vows and promises are subjective.

Yes, this is happening to you. You're not the first or last to experience this. You thought you knew her, thought you were both on the same page, and you thought you both wanted the same thing. But she has different rules that you didn't know about. 

Take it from me. Go somewhere and have a good cry. Get it all out. It gets a little better each day, but you will have days when you backslide. Remember that you didn't want or cause this and you did the best you could but there was no way you could save a relationship that someone else was actively trying to destroy for their own selfish purposes.

180. NC. Make her pay for the divorce. Make sure you divide the joint assets fairly and get what you want now before it's too late. She is not your friend and she believes she is entitled and you deserve nothing.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Based on what the therapist said, you are going to be thankful you're ending this now vs. later.

Tea, you sound like a decent fellow. But your wife isn't into you. Let her go.

Imagine yourself at 50K feet elevation, and observing your life from there. What do you see?

As many good posters have said, it's time to go dark. Do not contact her anymore, unless its about the D. Get back into your hobbies. Live like a single person. Work out/exercise. Get into fantastic shape. Re-connect with friends.

Life will get better for you. It always does

In the future, be sure to never put your partner on a pedestal again. She doesn't like being there, and it makes you seem unattractive.


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## TeaTree (Mar 6, 2014)

I just met with my stbxw to do taxes. I tried to remain calm and reserved, which I did. But I have so much anger. I think she can see it. I can't help it. I didn't say anything to her that didn't have to do with business, and she didn't either. It's going to make the NC after this really hard because I know that's what she wants. 

It's really tough because she is so beautiful. I know I need to get past her looks and look at her for how she's treating me/treating our marriage. It's just not easy. I want to say so much to her, but I know she doesn't want to hear any of it. She was the one who got up from the table to leave. She thanked me for doing taxes. I said 'yep' and she left. I almost got up from the table to tell her how I was feeling, but I knew that wasn't going to fix anything, so I just stayed and finished my sandwich. 

I did take off my ring before we met up. I know she noticed. I also know she probably didn't care. I don't think I'm going to put it back on. I tried to leave it off before for a couple of days, but it meant too much to me, so I put it back on. Lets see how it goes this time around.

Just venting...can't vent to friends and family any more...just can't do it.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

You did well.

Now, focus on you. Hobbies, exercise, and friends to keep your mind off of her.

One helpful thing to do is develop a mental "safe place". Your "safe place" is a place and time when you were happy being alone. Probably when you were a child. Remember that time and place. Remember the sounds, smells, sights, details. Make it real. 

For example, my safe place is when I was fishing at our pond when I was a young boy. I can feel the sun on my face, the slight breeze, the smell of earthworms, the sounds of birds. I see the ripples of the breeze across the water, and some bluegills just beneath the surface.

Whenever your mind starts to obsess over her, go to your safe place. Train your mind.

You will get through this. We all did. 

Hang in there, brother.


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