# Possible to work with SO while they are emotionally invested with other



## WhatWhere (Apr 29, 2011)

Married 20 years, 4 kids. We are in early 40s.

Some background. My wife had something 3 years ago. I think EA, she thinks not. Guy flirted with her, she responded. Duration was 3-4 months, they texted, emailed and talked on the phone. Not sure how many msgs, For the most part I did not notice anything at the time. They had a discussion of what was going on between them, guy said you're married so nothing can happen.

What I did notice from that time is my wife had logged into my account on a forum we are all members off, and deleted a message I sent to the OM. The OM, wife and another woman had gone for dinner and drinks; wife got back really late, and I had sent funny message to the OM about keeping my wife out late. Yeah I know, I'm an idiot. She admitted deleting the msg couple of days later, after I wondered why the OM had not responded. We had a argument, she apologized, wasn't sure why she had done it, maybe cause I had revealed something she had learned from OM in confidence. It took me a couple of years to bring this up again, lack of confidence, but the whole situation did not sit right with me. As far as I can tell no contact with OM since the 3-4 month period ended.

So this came up again about a year ago (08/2010) when I found her downstairs talking to OM2 at 3AM. We had fight. She did not feel she had done anything wrong, one of my daughters was down there with them till midnight or so, they were just talking and the time ran away from them. I brought up OM1, and that's when she told me he had flirted with her and she responded.

OM2 is 19 (18 at the time of first incident) and friend of daughter, same age, and supposedly gay. Started really showing up in our life last summer. Joined us for several vacations, usually with another friend of daughters. Before finding them downstairs, I had talked to my wife that OM2 was present too much in our life. She blew me off, told me I was seeing things. During the argument that night same thing, she just talking to him helping him out. He's struggling with a ****-phobic father/mother, and has not come out to them. She feels she's really helping him out and is there for him. Could not stop her from having him come over two more times before he left for college.

In November, she tells me that my DD, also away at college, is worried about OM2 and wants to visit him and would like wife to come along. My wife drives down to DD, and they fly to spend weekend with OM2. Recently, I learn that wife was the one who requested the trip to see OM2. Turns out she thinks OM2 is her son from previous life. She went to a psychic and the psychic confirmed this. I know, I can't make this stuff up. OM2 is listed as her son on Facebook.

OM2 has joined us for another vacation this year. Wife has gotten him a internship at her workplace and drives him there and back once per week.

As far as I can tell they are not communicating in any excessive way. I've checked wife’s email accounts, facebook and cell phone call/msg logs. OM2 has been over a few times this summer, at the request of my DD.

Early this year I got wife and I into MC. I feel she lacks affection for me and our sex life had decreased. She initially resisted, felt that nothing was wrong and that our life was great. I've also been working on my-self. Losing weight, stopping all online gaming and working on other hobbies.

In MC it eventually came out that wife feels I emotionally abandoned her about 4 years back. She had been going to school full time to start a career, and I was not helping her. She had asked me several times in that time period to help her out more, as she was being overwhelmed with her own schooling and taking care of the kids. I did not step up, I was deeply addicted to online mmo's at the time, and also on anti-depressants. I am tremendously sorry for this and feel guilty. There is a great deal of anger in my wife over this abandonment, that we are just recently getting to the surface.

Wife has admitted, and then usually taken it back, that she has an emotional connection to OM2. I do not believe anything sexual is or will be going on between wife and OM2, but she is definitely emotional attached/invested in him.

So, what's my question? MC feels the EA with OM1 and the emotional attachment with OM2 are symptoms of our problem. Which I agree with. I have several times, requested that my wife go NC with OM2. Threatening divorce last time. My wife has told me to F off each and every time I have asked this. Our MC asks that I let go of this request and for the meantime work on my marriage.

I can logically understand this. After all she's not f-ing the guy, and in the several months I have been reading this site I see people struggling with much bigger issues in their marriage. So, what's my problem? I can't do it. I have no interest in working on my marriage with my wife while OM2 is in her life. I feel stupid dragging my kids through divorce, over what is essentially my ego. But I can't do it. What little is left of myself respect will not allow this.

Writing this down has clarified it for me, but I'm curious if anyone has managed to work on their marriage while the SO was emotionally invested in someone else?


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

First question. Is he 100% for sure gay? If he is, you can eliminate that whole part of the equation and just focus on the weirdness/violation of your family circle.

Have you tried talking to him? Have you told him that it's causing a rift between you and your wife and maybe he should come around less often? I mean maybe you can work out a compromise where he isn't completely removed but isn't so omnipresent.


----------



## WhatWhere (Apr 29, 2011)

I've not discussed his sexuality with him. All indications are that he is gay or extremely shy. He is the only male in an otherwise close group of teenage girls. No indication that he's tried to date or hit on any of them.

I've not talked to him. I don't think he's aware of the emotional bond my wife has to him. To him she's just the mom of a friend. I've not really considered talking to him, that would be a really weird conversation with my daughters friend. But maybe I should think about it.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Well if you feel he is a wedge between you and your wife, clearly you have to address this with your wife first, I guess. Sounds like she is having none of that.

Given what you said just there, it is too soon to approach him about this, and I take back what I said. This is a tough situation. Are all your kids daughters? Maybe she is seeing this as a chance to have a son - she is old enough to be his mother.

I hate to say this, but you might be kind of whining and stomping your feet here. You didn't give your wife attention admittedly, and now she has this connection to a gay boy half her age. You've seen no evidence of foul play, he is likely gay, a friend of your daughter's no less, and you refuse to work on your marriage while he is around? Sounds a little selfish to me. I'm not saying you are wrong for being weirded out by this - it is strange, but I don't get why you can't put forth an effort with your wife while he is a friend of the family. 

If you ramp up your game, won't the other issues go away? She won't NEED the connection to this person as much if you are filling the void. I think you need to re-assess why this bothers you so much. Are you suspicious your wife might get sexual with your daughter's gay friend? Really? If that's not it, what is it? To me, it seems, you are jealous because your wife has found a way to fill the emotional void you have left. The only way to fix this is to get over yourself, man up, and be there for her. If you can't do that, then the counseling is as much for you as it is her. Sorry to be harsh, but that's the way I see this.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to do, what is necessary for the mge---but this 19 yr old is NOT part of your family, and your wife has an obsession about him

Mge is for 2 only----right now there are 3 of you in your mge, cuz she is way to into him

You need to tell your wife AND your counselor-----that the contact with the 19 yr old needs to stop---now----what your wife is doing is not natural for a married woman, why your counselor doesn't see this, I dunno.

It is obvious your wife is outbluffing you, as to your wishes for the A. with the kid to stop, so you need to call her bluff----tell her it stops, or you will file for D.----She does as she pleases cuz she has no consequences for her actions, and you are not holding her accountable.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

My friends Mom took me in under her wing because my Mom couldn't provide any kind of support for me. My mom tried to kill herself a bunch of times when I was 18-19 years old she didn't work and was living at my grandmas house for the longest time. 

To this day I'm still considered part of my friends family and it has been around 7 years. I think of them all as family. I've spent countless hours sitting around drinking coffee, smoking and chatting with my friends mom (2nd Mom). My 2nd Mom has help me out immensely, I don't know what I would have done with out her. We mainly just talk about politics and movies or actors/actresses, also the military because she retired as a Major from the Army and I joined the Army National Guard so I ask her for her leadership opinions on things and we talk about our experiences. I also talk to her a lot about the things I'm going through and problems I'm having, she has been a great source of support for me.

I saw this post and it reminded me of the relationship I have with my 2nd Mom (besides the fact that I'm not gay and I'm not talking to her about how to open up to my parents because my dad is a homophob), I guess I just wanted you to see that this kid or OM2 as you like to refer to him as may actually be just a kid crying out for help and looking for motherly maybe even fatherly support.

I would just hate to see a kid get turned away when all he really wants or needs is support. Maybe it's time for you to talk with him.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yep, this could be all it is. I found it odd that he was referred to as the OM2, but yet, he's probably gay, and a friend of his daughter's. He feels threatened by him because he has an emotional connection to his wife that he doesn't have, and because his W had an EA a few years ago. 

This new "OM2" is making WhatWhere trigger big time. He's not wrong for triggering, but he should take a step back and really understand the situation, continue to work on stepping up for his wife.

WhatWhere - if I am you, I tell my wife why I am struggling with her relationship with this kid, that I'm trying to work on getting through it given her prior EA, and to ask for her understanding in the meantime.


----------



## WhatWhere (Apr 29, 2011)

@Gabriel

We have a son.

Isn't the common wisdom here that not much can be done while the OM is in contact? Is my request that much different from your own request to your wife to go NC with OM? Should I let this go because there appears to be no sex or relationship possible? I'm angry and I don't understand how she could repeatedly choose whatever the hell this is, over our 20 years together.

Part of it is that I think I'm going through my middle life crisis now. It's what led me to examine my relationship and push us in to counseling. I'm asking my-self is this the best I can do? A wife that has a mild EA and now has some sort of emotional connection to another guy. I think I can do better.

But you are right I am being whiny. If I manned up or went Plan A, this should fade and if it doesn't then I guess I have another data point. And am back here having to make the same decision again.

But I hear you. Your response was not what I expected, but I am really thinking about what you said. Thank you.


----------



## WhatWhere (Apr 29, 2011)

@jnj express

The MC does agree that the relationship with the 19yr old needs to stop. Just not right now.

What your saying is kind of where I am right now in my feelings. I've been going over divorcing in my mind. Wife and I actually discussed what divorce would be like this weekend. Despite this wife really wants us to stay married and work on the marriage. Sex has gone through the roof, we basically spent Sunday in bed. We talk a lot more, and are really reconnecting. MC once a week, with sporadic IC sessions.

If I could get this 19yr old out of my marriage, I would be in heaven.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhatWhere said:


> @jnj express
> 
> The MC does agree that the relationship with the 19yr old needs to stop. *Just not right now.*
> 
> ...


Not now? UFB. Crazy.


----------



## WhatWhere (Apr 29, 2011)

Thing is Forsaken, this is not a bad time to be a gay kid in college. He goes to a big city university which I'm sure has excellent resources for gay kids. In fact the MC mentioned that she may be holding him back from finding his way of dealing with this. That my wife, given her emotional involvement, may not be the best person to help him.

I think even if our marriage was solid, I would still be a little freaked out by this relationship. There is a need for boundaries in relationships. And this whole son in a previous life is just freaky. And my feelings on this are another problem in our marriage, since she correctly feels that I ridicule her beliefs. While I've clamped down on saying anything about her beliefs, I can't accept them.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

According to this article:

Emotional Affair Signs

EAs can occur with someone of the same sex, so it may not matter if the kid is gay or not.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

That's fine, I just wanted to give you another perspective and what you do with it, well thats your preogative.

Maybe you might want to go to IC a bit more frequently because it appears that you have some major insecurities that need to be addressed, I don't think it's normal to be jealous of a kid. Most cases women are worried that their husbands are a little to friendly with their daughters friends, though thats not to say it doesn't happen the other way around, it's just a bit out of the norm.

You probably still have underlining issues which I'm going to assume are from the previous EA which is very understandable, but I think that if your marriage is going to move forward you need to figure out what's still bothering you so that you can work towards a resolution. 

Your W should probably go to IC more frequently as well because her thoughts on this kid with the previous life connection and psychic seems to be pretty bizzare.

Keep us updated, I'm curious as to how this plays out.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> According to this article:
> 
> Emotional Affair Signs
> 
> EAs can occur with someone of the same sex, so it may not matter if the kid is gay or not.


It doesn't matter if the kid is gay or not, we've all seen on TV and movies where a guy pretends to be gay to get closer to women. Not to say that this is whats going on but in this day and age, I think it's safe to not rule out any possibilites.

EAs do not discriminate, they happened between anyone of any sex, sexual preference, age, race, religious beliefs, rich or poor, sick or healthy, none of it matters.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

WhatWhere, I'm curious, how active are you? Maybe you need a good self esteem boost and stress relief. Do you go to the gym at all? If you don't maybe you should think about hitting up the gym, it's a great stress reliever and after a few months maybe you will feel more confident. It's amazing how much changing your diet and going to the gym can make you feel, and I think that this is something that could help you out a lot, especially if you may be going through a mid-life crisis as you said might be the case earlier.

With MC and IC working on your mental state and eating right and working out for your physical state, you're bound to feel so much better in the near future.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> That's fine, I just wanted to give you another perspective and what you do with it, well thats your preogative.
> 
> Maybe you might want to go to IC a bit more frequently because it appears that you have some major insecurities that need to be addressed, I don't think it's normal to be jealous of a kid. Most cases women are worried that their husbands are a little to friendly with their daughters friends, though thats not to say it doesn't happen the other way around, it's just a bit out of the norm.
> 
> ...


At 19 old is not a kid. Just sayin. Now he may be emotionally but aren't we all.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> It doesn't matter if the kid is gay or not, we've all seen on TV and movies where a guy pretends to be gay to get closer to women. Not to say that this is whats going on but in this day and age, I think it's safe to not rule out any possibilites.
> 
> EAs do not discriminate, they happened between anyone of any sex, sexual preference, age, race, religious beliefs, rich or poor, sick or healthy, none of it matters.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Having a lot of sex is a good Plan A tactic. You might be going through hysterical bonding. My wife and I did this for about 2-3 weeks and it was awesome.

I'm glad you are slowing down and thinking about all of this in a measured way. I agree the relationship is inappropriate on some levels, and THANK GOD the counselor thinks it should stop. I don't get the not right now either.

If you continue the Plan A, keep going to MC (who thinks the other relationship should stop, so eventually it will, right?), then you are on the right track I think. The 180 would likely race you to divorce. I don't see that as the right tactic here.

You are doing the right thing by not harping on how crazy you think she is about the whole son in the past life thing. She knows you don't agree with it already, so backing off on that is a very good choice by you.


----------



## WhatWhere (Apr 29, 2011)

I have hit the gym. Since, December I've lost 40 lbs. I've still got a good chunk of weight to lose, and I am working on that. And it has had a positive effect on me.

We've been doing MC for about three months now. Things have come out in MC, my wife has gone from everything’s fine, I love you, you're seeing things to saying she's been emotionally disconnected from me for the past few years and has this pit of anger as a result of my abandonment. Couple weeks back in counseling she reveled this conversation between her and OM1:

Her: Do you have a girlfriend?
OM: 2
Her: So what do you see happening between us?
OM: Nothing, your married.
Her: So, what have you been doing?
OM: Just flirting.

We were in the middle of discussing something else when this came out, and so I let it go. The next day when I asked her to repeat the conversation, she claimed, with her eyes blinking like strobe lights, that she could not recall it. What I think she was saying was she could not spin it. Wife feels, nothing physical happened so she did not do anything wrong. She's grudgingly agreed through counseling that what she did wrong was flirt back. I agree, but also think she inquired if there was a possibility of a relationship there. I've gone from fantasizing about meeting this guy in a dark alley, to thinking I owe him a beer for not screwing my wife when he had a chance.

So, yeah I don’t feel as if I have closure from the EA. And again this is something the MC has asked me to set aside for now.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Set aside? It's a MAJOR issue! When your wife said, "So what do you see happening between us?" she was either just fishing for a complement/ego stroke, or she was looking for action. Hard to tell which. But both are wrong.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

This whole thing with OM2----might have been OK---tho its inappropriate---but cuz there was an OM1---it can't fly---it triggers OP, causes him pain, and who actually knows what his wife is really predisposed to do-----right now it 's spending far toooo much time with other men-----inapropos for a wife wouldn't you say


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

That's great that you have hit the gym and are working to better yourself, keep it up! It's a healthy way to deal with stress and it does nothing but make you look more appealing to your W. It shows you have confidence and the willingness to change yourself for the better.

I agree that if this kid is setting off triggers then he needs to be out of the picture. Like you said, "To him she's just the mom of a friend." I think you should probably have a talk with him, he probably has no idea that anything is going on, just thinks he is talking to his friends mom for advice. It wouldn't surprise me if he was in total shock with the whole ordeal.

The problems that still exist from the past EA need to be dealt with. It doesn't seem like your W realizes that what she did was wrong and she needs to come to terms with it. I don't know how you can go about making her come to terms with it. For me I just flipped the scenarios that played out with my Ws EA as if I was the one who did the actions and made the choices she made. 

For instance I asked her how she would think or feel if she found out I was calling other women behind her back for 50ish minutes right after she had just left for work, or how she would think or feel if I was texting another woman 5600+ times in 6 weeks and had women texting me really late at night. 

Each time I would ask her these kind of questions I made sure she didn't try to dodge the question, I would make sure she answered them and repeated everything out loud so she could hear herself and actually think about how she would think and feel if I had really done any of that to her.

You might want to look for another MC, if you're not satisfied, which I wouldn't be, then get another one. I feel that your MC is wrong because its extremely hard to move forward when you are still tending to open wounds.

You can't move on to brain surgery if the heart is bleeding out.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhatWhere said:


> I have hit the gym. Since, December I've lost 40 lbs. I've still got a good chunk of weight to lose, and I am working on that. And it has had a positive effect on me.
> 
> We've been doing MC for about three months now. Things have come out in MC, my wife has gone from everything’s fine, I love you, you're seeing things to saying she's been emotionally disconnected from me for the past few years and has this pit of anger as a result of my abandonment. Couple weeks back in counseling she reveled this conversation between her and OM1:
> 
> ...


Way to go on the gym stuff. Excellent. 

Well you are working through this now and that is a good thing. 

Hopefully the set aside for now is really that. It will need to be revisited. Yes this feels like she was pushing things in a bad direction with OM1.


----------

