# 6 Months Now. Time to Move On?



## cvdave (Dec 6, 2016)

My situation has gotten so pathetic that I'm wondering what to do.

I don't want to repeat my whole back story but suffice it to say that my wife and I are still married but we live apart. We have been separated now for 6 months. We co-parent my 7 year old daughter and we are all on good, friendly terms. My wife comes to my place, I go back to our house to visit and there is no weirdness. We are affectionate with one another and have dated again (though not lately). We had 7 weeks of couple counseling this fall. We both continue our individual counseling.

I have gotten a life. I work out religiously, dialed up my wardrobe, returned to church, resumed a comedy performing hobby, joined Meetup to improve my social life, and reconnected with friends. I speak bluntly and honestly to my wife about my feelings and I do what I want. It feels like being single again.

The problem is that my wife will not give me any answer on whether she wants to resume our marriage. She says that she is deeply flawed from an abusive mother and has a problem reconnecting after our split. I've told her that it is as simple as making the choice to work on the relationship and be together. I've said that there will not be some epiphanous moment when she realizes "oh I don't want to lose my husband, I really love him and want to be with him". So for the time being she gets to enjoy having her cake and eating it too. I allow her to have her independence, the house, and I jump into "husband mode" whenever she needs house help or a shoulder to cry on.

Why do I do this and accept this crooked deal? Why don't I tell her "tough ****" and walk? Because I still love her. Because she has cancer. And because when I pull away from her she sobs and cries and I stay to comfort her. She is having her ovaries removed next month and does not want me to participate in her care. She is going to have her bio-father (she was adopted) come to our place to care for her. I've told her this is cruel, insensitive and ****ed up. I told her that this is showing me, by her actions, that she has no real interest in saving our marriage. She says "so, you're saying you are done?"...and I can't muster the courage to say "yes". I say "no, I'm just telling you how I feel". I am so torn between the messaging I got from Divorce Busters, where people wait for their spouses to come to their senses and the messaging I get from No More Mister Nice Guy, where he tells me to go Alpha, get a life and leave her. My wife wants an open ended separation where everybody is happy, where we do our own thing and there is no messy divorce, no messy asset splitting, and no sex apparently.

I have paralysis by analysis. I love my wife but she is giving me crumbs. I deserve to be happy. It's so easy to tell someone else to leave their wife, it's harder to have to do it in actuality.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Your back story would be helpful to figure out what your wife is thinking. 

Why did you two decide to separate ?

Who brought it up? 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her you're moving on, getting your legal ducks in a row, and that you will pay for her to go to therapy to work out her FOO crap. And that maybe down the road, after she HAS worked all that out, you may get together and see if you want to get back together. Until she's gotten help for that, she is not marriage material.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

The problem is you are stuck in limbo. Limbo is not a comfortable place for most people. 

Sometimes you have to look at a persons behavior rather than their words. Her words may not say she is done - but what's her behavior telling you? Is it possible that your paralysis is spurred by the hope that she will change her mind - and that you will get back together - if you continue to treat her good and make changes to yourself? Is there any underlying expectation that keeps you stuck? Making changes in yourself and doing what you are doing is all good - but you should do it for yourself, because it makes you a better person and helps you feel better about yourself - not because you hope it will get her to continue the marriage. (Also easier said than done!! )

You do deserve to be happy and have more than crumbs. And you are right - it is easier to tell someone else to do it - than it is to do it yourself. Sometimes the known, as bad as it is, is far less scary than the unknown and that also can keep us frozen in limbo. My guess is that at some point - you will get sick of being in limbo and the paralysis will lift. In the mean time - keep working on yourself - but just do it for yourself and give up any expectations you may have (if you have any).


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> Tell her you're moving on, getting your legal ducks in a row, and that you will pay for her to go to therapy to work out her FOO crap. And that maybe down the road, after she HAS worked all that out, you may get together and see if you want to get back together. Until she's gotten help for that, she is not marriage material.


This.

OP, you are enabling her dysfunction to dominate your relationship, and keep you in limbo. YOU.

Google and read the Karpman Drama Triangle. I promise it will be eye opening.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Life's to short man. Just move on, be friends with your "ex" wife.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

When was the last time you had great sex? When was the last time you had a hot girl wisper in your ear at a bar and say I want you now and take you into a private restroom? I'd start by being single and going on the prowl. Once you discover there are so many awesome single women out there, you will be wondering why you wasted so many years of your life with this woman you called your wife.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Sounds to me she wants to keep you at arm's length while she "test drives" other guys. She has 

everything the way she wants it and does not want it to change. Hence the boo-hoo spill every

time you appear to be fed up with things. Things will NOT change until you decide to change.

Most states now are one year waits for D to be final. Drop the D papers right in her lap, stare her right

in the eyes "Am I through with you... no but I am through with this arrangement." Turn, walk out the door.

Ignore anything she says. You will be amazed how cake eating spouses react when the fed up spouse 

puts their foot down. Have you checked cell records? Debit / credit card receipts? 

Try placing a VAR under her car seat and in the living room... may be surprised at what you hear.

If a D takes a year, it gives plenty of time to see if there is anything worth saving. But only when 

it is real, will cake eaters pay attention. Stay focused on you, continue to improve for YOU.

Are you paying any CS? Is the custody 50 / 50? How is the child holding up?

Watch what she DOES, not what she SAYS.

My DDay was four years ago. While I was in shock, she was feeling fine. I dropped in the rabbit hole and

came out with boundaries, NC / 180 no talk except how she was going to save the M.

Took maybe three weeks for her to start all these reaches for me. LSS... I didn't hear what I wanted so,

I walked away. 

Always remember... SHE has to convince YOU why YOU should stay in the M as well. Two way street.

Sorry you are here. My favorites are messed up ATM.... could someone throw a link out 

for the 180 and the "just let her go" thread?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Why should she change anything. All she has to do is drop a few breadcrumbs now and then. Eventually you'll starve to death.

You are the problem here. You need to take the next step.


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## cvdave (Dec 6, 2016)

She was fed up with the distance that had grown between us, she felt unloved. She felt I didn't support her during her cancer diagnosis (I disagree and was fully supportive). So, she asked me to move out. 3 days later I found evidence of an EA. She was caught, but continued to see this clown. I finally shamed her into stopping the EA (via friends & family) and we agreed to counseling as long as there was no 3rd person, and that I live apart.

Once we were in counseling I made a 100% effort to work this to success, she just stated that there may be too much water under the bridge for her. We've been in limbo land for months now.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

cvdave said:


> She was fed up with the distance that had grown between us, she felt unloved. She felt I didn't support her during her cancer diagnosis (I disagree and was fully supportive). So, she asked me to move out. 3 days later I found evidence of an EA. She was caught, but continued to see this clown. I finally shamed her into stopping the EA (via friends & family) and we agreed to counseling as long as there was no 3rd person, and that I live apart.
> 
> Once we were in counseling I made a 100% effort to work this to success, she just stated that there may be too much water under the bridge for her. We've been in limbo land for months now.


If you want to take one last run at saving your marriage, move home. Don't let her dictate those terms. You can't repair a relationship by living apart long-term. 

Or just follow @turnera's advice.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You're going to have to bite the bullet and stay away. She doesn't want to to care for her after her surgery, so fine, don't come back. You seem to have things rolling in "new life" mode anyway, I don't see why it would be that big of deal for you to start the divorce in motion, unless of course finances are a problem for you. She's the one who said move out, so since you have your own place already, leave her.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

cvdave said:


> She was fed up with the distance that had grown between us, she felt unloved. She felt I didn't support her during her cancer diagnosis (I disagree and was fully supportive). So, she asked me to move out. 3 days later I found evidence of an EA. She was caught, but continued to see this clown. I finally shamed her into stopping the EA (via friends & family) and we agreed to counseling as long as there was no 3rd person, and that I live apart.
> 
> Once we were in counseling I made a 100% effort to work this to success, she just stated that there may be too much water under the bridge for her. We've been in limbo land for months now.


We here call that ummm..... 

Gaslighting
Blameshifting
Re-writing of history

I STRONGLY recommend you doing some snooping...... to find out how far this went


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I personally think you are being played and she is string you along. I am sorry about her Cancer but i still smell a rat.

Why are you waiting for her to make a decision...make it for her and move on...i bet when you place the divorce papers in front of her, she will want you back in the house.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

And if your name is on the mortgage or even just the deed.... MOVE BACK HOME TONIGHT!

Go in, smile, ask her what's for dinner!

You've played patty-cake way too long


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I detect a bit of emotional manipulation on your W part. If you have felt you moved on then move on. She keep pushing you away. No help after her surgery, etc. Then be gone as she wishes.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like it's time to divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

cvdave said:


> *It's so easy to tell someone else to leave their wife, it's harder to have to do it in actuality.I deserve to be happy.*


Amen.....pass the Baked Beans.

Continue doing what you are doing. Support her because that is the right thing to do.....now. 

The White Rabbit ran from and avoided Alice. He had an important date. 

Do you have an important date? I doubt it. 

In your case, Alice is running away from you. Why is that? Is she untrustworthy or are you? What really happened before all of this?

She just had her ovaries removed, she has cancer [ovarian?]. No sex? Uh, No! She is sick.

Give her all the time that you have. Until, until the time runs out of your wind-up watch. Quit winding, time runs out...... on this issue of Your's and Her's, Time Magazine.

YOU don't deserve to be happy...BOTH of you deserve to be happy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am not going to whitewash what you wife did.

Her excuse for her EA....you did not show enough support for her during her cancer diagnosis and treatment. 

True or not, that is what she believes. Gaslighting? EA to PA? Not with a women who has a non-functioning womb. Her world is crumbling. You are not the Mason and do not have the the Mortar that she needs to shore her up her foundation....[apparently].

Another point: When people are really sick, as in cancer, they often panic and grab at whatever support structure they can find.

That structure was not you. Right or wrong...that is what happened. 

Cheating is never right. Sickness sometime warps morality, right into left field. 

The fact that you still want to reconciliate tells me maybe you should give this more time.

It likely will be wasted. It is the right thing to do, for now.


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## cvdave (Dec 6, 2016)

The plan is...I will stay away from her during her surgery next week. What choice do I have? However, the boundaries have been set and I not be playing part time husband from now on. If I feel like asking her she is health wise I will. If I just don't want the drama that day I will not. 

After she has recovered and the new year is here, I will have a more serious discussion with her and tell her that I am tired of living in limbo and being manipulated like this. I will tell her to continue with her therapists (she see's two), but that I am done. 

I'll let that simmer for a week and then decide whether to go ahead and file after that. During the waiting period there will be much drama, but I will not be participating because I have other outside interests and don't want to play that particular game.

It will be hard but with the support of my family, 1 member of her family, my therapist, and my friends I will stay strong.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Visit her in the hospital immediately after her surgery. As soon as she awakens.

Ignore any advice or pressure to the contrary.

You won't lose one millimeter of skin if you do this.

Bend when you are erect and stand firm when you are bent over.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

cvdave said:


> The plan is...I will stay away from her during her surgery next week. What choice do I have? However, the boundaries have been set and I not be playing part time husband from now on. If I feel like asking her she is health wise I will. If I just don't want the drama that day I will not.
> 
> After she has recovered and the new year is here, I will have a more serious discussion with her and tell her that I am tired of living in limbo and being manipulated like this. I will tell her to continue with her therapists (she see's two), but that I am done.
> 
> ...


Why did your wife feel like you weren't supportive of her during her cancer treatment? 

Definitely go with Sun C's advice, and visit her at the hospital right away. IF you are interested in R as you make it sound, you should be in there fighting for your marriage. Not hanging out in the wings, waiting for an invite.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

cvdave said:


> Why do I do this and accept this crooked deal? Why don't I tell her "tough ****" and walk? Because I still love her. Because she has cancer. And because when I pull away from her she sobs and cries and I stay to comfort her. She is having her ovaries removed next month and does not want me to participate in her care. She is going to have her bio-father (she was adopted) come to our place to care for her. I've told her this is cruel, insensitive and ****ed up. I told her that this is showing me, by her actions, that she has no real interest in saving our marriage. She says "so, you're saying you are done?"...and I can't muster the courage to say "yes". I say "no, I'm just telling you how I feel". I am so torn between the messaging I got from Divorce Busters, where people wait for their spouses to come to their senses and the messaging I get from No More Mister Nice Guy, where he tells me to go Alpha, get a life and leave her. My wife wants an open ended separation where everybody is happy, where we do our own thing and there is no messy divorce, no messy asset splitting, and no sex apparently.
> 
> I have paralysis by analysis. I love my wife but she is giving me crumbs. I deserve to be happy. It's so easy to tell someone else to leave their wife, it's harder to have to do it in actuality.



I truly empathize with your situation... I'm sorry you are here. What is your W's prognosis after surgery? 

I am in a similar situation. My H has cancer that has recently returned and is terminal... another surgery next week. A few months ago (feels like a lifetime) I discovered him in an online sexting affair that had gone on 6 months. We also tried to R with no success as he doesn't feel what he did was a big deal. We still live together, but things have deteriorated between us and now we just co-exist. Separate bedrooms, 180, renewed unpleasantness every so often. I'm trying to stay with him so my kids don't lose time with their dad, but he makes it very difficult! 

I can't really advise you, since I still don't know what I am doing but I just wanted to let you know that I truly know how hard it is to divorce when there are extenuating health circumstances. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Go to the hospital and see if her boyfriend shows up.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

CD,

If for some reason she trying repents and wants you back home (it happens more then you know), please please make a polygraph a must as a conditions for trying to rebuild a marriage...you want to know the truth and that is one way to get it. But if you had enough of her crap then move on.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

This will continue as long as you desire for it to continue and it will change when you decide that it is time for a change. The problem is that what you want is not an option, since your wife is not really interested in repairing the relationship. She is happy with the current state of affairs and is understandably concentrating on her medical issues. If she does not want to discuss her medical issues, fine then don't. I would imagine that you can get enough necessary information from friends or family. Don't waste your time trying to Nice Guy her back, that is an exercise in futility. I would recommend spending as much time as you can with your daughter and making your own Christmas Traditions with her. This can include a variety of things light celebrations, Christmas Parades, musical events (TSO is fantastic), religious events, movies, decorating tree, baking cookies, etc. After the first of the year, I would consult with an attorney and set a date in your when enough is enough. Some states the separation time is up to a year, so the actual divorce may take sometime, but only you can say when it is time to move on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Make the decision for her and file.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

cvdave said:


> My situation has gotten so pathetic that I'm wondering what to do.
> 
> I don't want to repeat my whole back story but suffice it to say that my wife and I are still married but we live apart. We have been separated now for 6 months. We co-parent my 7 year old daughter and we are all on good, friendly terms. My wife comes to my place, I go back to our house to visit and there is no weirdness. We are affectionate with one another and have dated again (though not lately). We had 7 weeks of couple counseling this fall. We both continue our individual counseling.
> 
> ...


I haven't read the responses just your post but my initial thoughts are that this is not just a straight forward seperation where you have to make decisions. You wife has a life threatening disease, she does not know whether she will live long enough to resume the marriage, she is probably wondering whether this might be a time to let you go so that at least you will have a firm foundation to start over and take care of your daughter, you have no idea what is going through your wife's mind. Why did you seperate initially? You add to this mix your own feelings on her health and it's not as simple as following NMMNG and cutting ties. Is is possible to sit down with her and be very open about everything?


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## cvdave (Dec 6, 2016)

My wife does not want me at the hospital. Her father will be caring for her. Her father, I'm sure, will call/text me updates on her recovery. She will have to stay one night in the hospital. After that, he will bring her home. I can and will visit her. I will offer what ever support that she needs. My father-in-law will stay at my house for a few days caring for her. I will take care of my daughter at my house and take her to see her mom. My daughter will probably stay at the house with her Mom too. My wife is having this hysterectomy done prophetically to prevent a re-occurrence of cancer.

I a so angry at her for the way she is pushing me away. I am also angry that she will use my display of anger and disappointment in her as a demonstration that I truly do not care for her. It's a vicious game that I despise. I realize that my wife is having serious emotional issues surrounding her health. I have the greatest sympathy for her. However, I will not be manipulated any further.

After consulting with my therapist today I will put the best face on and maintain an attitude of sympathy and compassion for my wife. However, once she is recovered I am done.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

cvdave said:


> *My wife does not want me at the hospital. Her father will be caring for her. Her father, I'm sure, will call/text me updates on her recovery. She will have to stay one night in the hospital. * After that, he will bring her home. I can and will visit her. I will offer what ever support that she needs. My father-in-law will stay at my house for a few days caring for her. I will take care of my daughter at my house and take her to see her mom. My daughter will probably stay at the house with her Mom too. My wife is having this hysterectomy done prophetically to prevent a re-occurrence of cancer.
> 
> I a so angry at her for the way she is pushing me away. I am also angry that she will use my display of anger and disappointment in her as a demonstration that I truly do not care for her. It's a vicious game that I despise. I realize that my wife is having serious emotional issues surrounding her health. I have the greatest sympathy for her. However, I will not be manipulated any further.
> 
> After consulting with my therapist today I will put the best face on and maintain an attitude of sympathy and compassion for my wife. However, once she is recovered I am done.


I said go to the hospital and see if the boyfriend shows up. I didn't say let them know you are there. 

There are many of us who's radars are pinging. She is showing the signs of a wayward.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Measure her effort to string you along vs. efforts in trying to save the M. There is your answer....


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