# Why do you take us back?



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Just curious.

I asked my wife this question recently and now she says that if she had to do it again, she wouldn't have taken me back.

Then I asked, "Why are you still sticking it out?"

She said, because she's older now and doesn't want to go through the hassle of dealing with relationship crap anymore.

So, basically she's just settled on me (not a good thing) but it's not like she doesn't love me though. I know she does but it just really got to me..

Why stay? Not that I want her to leave but as a WS it really tears at me to hear her finally say that.

BTW, I'm 16 years removed from when she caught me or more like I made it so obvious because I wanted her to find out I was cheating.

We have a good life now, she's stuck with me through thick and thin, good and bad. The love isn't the same as when we were both 18 or in our 20s (but then again, it never is for most people). It's changed into something more over the years but I guess that elephant will never go away.

We had a good relationship prior to my affair so yeah, it wasn't like we had a crap marriage/relationship and the affair made us closer.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

if you have kids that would be probably the main reason at the time, but after 16 years she is there because she wants, the "new relationshop excuse" is probably just something say to hurt you a little for what you did , I bet that if you cheat again she is not going to tolerate a second reconcilation crap process again


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

I'm only 4 weeks post d-day so not sure I should even be answering this, but I'm, at least at this point barring any big revelation or break from NC, planning to take my husband back for so many reasons. We've been together since we were 17 years old and married almost 20 years. We have children together. We have years of shared memories and life experiences together. I want to enjoy our grandchildren together and finish raising our children together. I'm so mad at him. I'm so disappointed in him. I do not trust him at all. But I love him. Honestly, our relationship is probably the best it's every been right now AND the worst it's ever been right now. We've talked about all kinds of things we had never discussed. We are overturning every stone, evaluating everything we've done and every part of ourselves. I hate that we are here. I haven't forgiven him and not sure I ever will. BUT I do own that our marriage wasn't perfect before is affair. I do recognize that he made a bad choice and I didn't lead him to that choice, but things were not perfect. If he was not remorseful, shameful, and if I did not constantly feel an outpouring of the strongest love he's ever given me right now there is no way we'd be moving forward. But he is. So I'm giving him a chance.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I am only taking her back once.

Any more problems and I am gone. So you do not get more than one chance.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

The number one reason we stay is love. Although, the ws, was willing to throw away the marriage when they cheated.

The number two reason is to stay for the children.

The number three reason to stay is that you have a personality that does not give up.

The number four reason to stay is that you are convinced, even given what the ws did, that you would rather start again with them than someone else.

The number five reason is finances. Probably the worst reason to stay, but sometimes you cannot afford to leave.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Thirty years ago I took him back primarily because we had a 12 year old son to consider. I told him there wouldn't be a second chance. A few years ago he cheated again with the same OW. And I began preparing my exit. I don't regret getting out. I regret staying those thirty wasted years. I am rarely one to advocate R because of my own failed R. But it works well for some.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Only three weeks removed from my D-Day I'm going to say love. I love my husband very much and I'm committed to fixing the problems in our marriage, many I am at fault for. I'm not at fault for his cheating but I can understand it. I'm also not super jealous.


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## Laralie (May 2, 2014)

Openminded, the same OW 30 years later? WOW.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Laralie said:


> Openminded, the same OW 30 years later? WOW.


Yep -- quite a story. She is a former employee of his who could have remained in contact during those thirty years and I just never thought that might happen. At this point, I'll never know. 

The interesting part of it, to me, is that she is not who he married the moment the final decree was signed. She is the opposite of me. His new wife is a carbon copy of me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

We had no kids when I cheated. Actually I cheated right before we got married and when I got married (a 3 month affair).

We basically rug swept (or she did) and kept going on. It wasn't easy, the 1st 10 years were just being together and avoiding each other as much as possible (had kids 4 years after the affair).

After the 10th year I decided this isn't what I wanted. She was busy with the kids and I plowed almost all my time into online gaming, yes we all know what game i was probably wasting my life on. We talked and started to work on us. The last 6 years have been alot better but I remember how it was before I cheated.

Now she puts 80% into our kids and 10% to family and I get the other 10%. Well, I get part of the 80% spent with the kids also.

I still see the sadness in her eyes from time to time and it hurts that I put it there. But, always in the back of my head I wonder if it would have been better for her if she had moved on. And always I wonder if one day she'll wake up and say there is something better out there.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You probably already do this. 

I would remind her that you are grateful for the second chance and you will continue to do everything in your power to be a man that she can be proud of. Some reaffirming words of encouragement can go a long way sometimes. And be the best dad you can be to those kids.

Also, jewelry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

CH, your timetable indicates that you were cheating on your now-wife at the time you got married, i.e. on your wedding day you were involved in an affair. Is this correct? 

You owe your wife many years of deprived happiness. Tell her you realize this and then try to make good. The fact that she stuck out those first ten years ought to tell you something.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I read your thread in which you detailed your A, CH, and recall being surprised that your BW took you back. I thought your A was very serious in terms of betrayal.

Does your BW know all of the details? Did she know them at the time that she made the decision to continue the marriage? Did you completely break off contact with the OW? Forever?


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I was going to make this a quote to a poster but thought I'll just make a blanket statement. We stay the first time out of love (at least for me). The other times, I justified it some way but it NEVER goes away. I am in counseling to build up my self esteem because I've tried and tried and tried and still wake up every day wondering if today is the day I find about other woman. 

I understand how your wife feels times ten. The dream is gone and we are left questioning ourselves constantly. We have a daughter and don't want her in a broken home.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

CH said:


> So, basically she's just settled on me (not a good thing) but it's not like she doesn't love me though. I know she does but it just really got to me..
> 
> Why stay? Not that I want her to leave but as a WS it really tears at me to hear her finally say that.


You're the devil she knows.

She's probably convinced any other guy out there is at least as bad as you if not worse so why give up the comfort and security of "the known".


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I wouldn't..... I could never forgive again. My eldest boys dad cheated on me... I stayed after, but then told him to get out for other reasons, Mainly because he was a selfish ****er that only thought of him self, In fact i left him for many reasons to many to remember now 

I had 3 boys under the age of 5, it was hard at first, but 3 years down the line and i met my husband, If he cheats hes gone, he knows this.

The thought of my husband with other makes me feel sick, I respect those that do stay, but its not for me, even if you have kids its still no reason to stay.

I cant understand how people can forgive their partners, I think once they've shared intimacy with another it can never be the same again, I love my husband with all my heart, i could never forgive him if he went with another, but that is just me.

So answering your question, I really do not know why people stay.... I just think if a person cheats they always have it in them to do it again, once the trust is gone its gone, its hard to regain it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Philat - Correct, it was right when we got married that I cheated, you can read my story if you want to. It's not pretty and could trigger you if you're a BS.

alte Dame - My wife knows I cheated, knows who it was and never wanted the details. And there has been no contact with the OW since d-day and I have no desire to be contacted or contact the OW.

I'm no saint and I know I'm selfish also.

We have 3 kids now and I call them my little monsters but love them and my wife completely. Have I had thoughts about cheating again, I'm not going to lie I have. Have I had chances to cheat again, OH YES but I've walked away from those opportunities with no regrets.

I'm just trying to understand why a BS would take someone who cheats on them back. If my wife cheated, I have no issues with walking out the door and never going to back her. Even if she gave me a chance, I know I wouldn't.

Sorry for the rant but the revelation that she finally told me just spun me for a loop. BTW, she's not going to leave or will ever leave unless I cheat again or do something illegal and such. The running joke we've had is that she's just waiting for me to kick the bucket since my insurance money and potential inheritance from my parents is pretty sizeable.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Will as someone who is not a proponent of reconciliation I think it ultimately it comes down to devil you know vs devil you don't that coupled with kids finances and age are probably big factors in making the decision to reconcile.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Because she is the love of my life. Yeah, really. 

We've been together 25 years this month.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I get asked this…. I like “because the voices in my head tell me to”. 

It’s probably that she stole my heart. I know she’s still in there. She added layers over the top. But at the center is always going to be that woman I simply can’t resist.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

There is no reason. At least there isn't any *one* reason why I would ever take my WW back. It's a *lot* of reasons, some big, some small. Before her A, I always thought I would walk out if she ever cheated on me, and I will if she ever does it again. But in this situation, I could see and feel her remorse, I had no doubts. Plus even though my past behavior was no excuse for her affair, I do think it was a reason to forgive her and give her another chance, we've been married 36 years, that's a lot of investment in a relationship and I was willing to at least try and save my marraige. And finally, I love her more than anything. As of right now (a year and a half since D-Day), I WOULD do it over again, but not the next time, a man has to have his limitations.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In many cases it comes down to fear of the unknown as to why someone keeps a cheater. That and the hope it won't happen again. Regaining trust was the hard part for me during the thirty years I tried to R. The next time it happened I was much less shocked. And done.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Because she is the love of my life. Yeah, really.
> 
> We've been together 25 years this month.


25 years, that is a long time, so i can understand why somebody like you would stay.

My husband is also the love my life, I love him with my heart and soul, but i think how i would feel if he was with another, and it terrifies me... It would rip my world apart, and then i just think if he feels the same way then why would he really do it??.

I try to be the best wife i can be, if he cheats then i know there would be no reason, apart from the fact he would obviously be rather selfish and callous, as like i say he really would have no reasons other than his own selfish reasons.... and for me i would not want to be with a man like that.

I do however know that its not the same for everyone, and people will say that they had their own reasons for doing it, I always try to understand a cheater, but i never can.

For me, I always say to myself that if my husband cheats then i probably was not that important in the first place, and maybe he did not feel the same way about me like i do about him.

I have told him from the start, If you want to cheat please tell me before hand, rather than sneak around on me, be up front, also tell me if your not happy.

I totally respect you tho, I am glad you was able to forgive your wife, and i am glad its all worked for you.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

CH said:


> Just curious.
> 
> I asked my wife this question recently and now she says that if she had to do it again, she wouldn't have taken me back.
> 
> ...


You wanted her to catch you, so you thought you could use an affair as a way of punishing her for doing what? You just wanted her to get jealous, and see you can attract other people? Wanted her to stop you?

Affairs don't make people closer, honest communication makes people closer.

I've been with my wife now for 32 years.. thats quite a bit of time invested in one relationship.

We have three children together, one is a year away from turning 18 and graduating from high school.

We share finances and I'd not be able to keep my very large house in a wonderful location that's so meditating.

She's very attractive, and I've always liked her looks.. although in my eyes she's gone from a 10 to a 6 or so looks wise. I see wrinkles and bumps I never noticed before.

I also feel sorrow for her, trying to ruin her life, and feel a need to take care of her as I've done my whole life.

I put too much blame on her poor role models, cheating mom and grammy, and not enough on her, so it helps me deflect the blame to them and the OM for her bad choices.

There are some reasons.. I also have times when I wish I didn't take her back.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

johnAdams said:


> The number one reason we stay is love.


 Meh . . . I'd probably put this at number four.



johnAdams said:


> The number two reason is to stay for the children.


 This is probably number one for me. My boys asked me not to divorce their mother, so I didn't.



johnAdams said:


> The number three reason to stay is that you have a personality that does not give up.


 A lot of people would say this about me, but I have given up on the emotional component of our marriage.



johnAdams said:


> The number four reason to stay is that you are convinced, even given what the ws did, that you would rather start again with them than someone else.


 I would edit this to read: ". . . there's an equal chance that I would be willing to start again with her as with someone else."



johnAdams said:


> The number five reason is finances. Probably the worst reason to stay, but sometimes you cannot afford to leave.


 Yeah, in the absence of any other reasons, I guess we could count this as number five. It's a distant number five, though.

To the OP's original premise: would I make the same choice again?

Hell to the no.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Blind hope that,

A) Dday was a bad dream,

B) every time they told you they loved you it was true,

C) there is a chance that it really isn't as bad as it is,

D) you can and will both work hard to get through this.

Often it is the case that we loved so blindly and trusted so implicitly that our hope and faith in our waywards compells us to let them have another chance, but it can and does mean the rules of engagement have changed to the detriment of the relationship.

I do also get completely the devil you know Vs the ones you don't.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Wranglerman makes a good point with A.. Dday puts the betrayed spouse into a state of shock, and they go into instant denial like many that have a trauma. They want to keep life the same, and not upturn the entire universe. So they cling to things they understood and things that were familiar.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

wranglerman said:


> Blind hope that,
> 
> A) Dday was a bad dream,
> 
> ...



:iagree:


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> The number one reason we stay is love. Although, the ws, was willing to throw away the marriage when they cheated.
> 
> The number two reason is to stay for the children.
> 
> ...


I agree with the list but I think 1 and 2 should be reversed. I love my wife, but if we didnt have kids I would have walked out that door the night I found out. It was my 5 year old daughter that kept me from walking out. 

The thought of not seeing her grow up everyday was worse than what my wife did. I just lost my marriage as I knew it, I couldnt lose my little girl in my everyday life.

For me, the child is the reason I did leave, the love is what keeps me from leaving. That being said, if this ever occurs again, nothing will keep me from leaving.


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## professor_panda (May 1, 2014)

Because many of us are dependent upon our spouses for our happiness. We don't know how to be on our own. The feeling of abandonment is greater than that of our own self-worth. We hate ourselves. If we loved ourselves, we would put their belongings in the driveway and call Uhaul for them. Instead we hold on for dear life and say and do stupid things to just hold on to whatever little bit of happiness they can provide. We're babies. 

I tried to stick it out with my wife... for about a month. Then she finally pushed me away for good, and it was the best thing she ever did. Opened my eyes to a lot of things about myself. 

Never again.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

hawx20 said:


> I agree with the list but I think 1 and 2 should be reversed. I love my wife, but if we didnt have kids I would have walked out that door the night I found out. It was my 5 year old daughter that kept me from walking out.
> 
> The thought of not seeing her grow up everyday was worse than what my wife did. I just lost my marriage as I knew it, I couldnt lose my little girl in my everyday life.
> 
> For me, the child is the reason I did leave, the love is what keeps me from leaving. That being said, if this ever occurs again, nothing will keep me from leaving.




hawx20 if I my ask will you continue to stay in the marriage after your daughter turns 18 or opt out ? i'm only asking because I see many male BS who stay for the kids usually leave when they go off to college.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

> She said, because she's older now and doesn't want to go through the hassle of dealing with relationship crap anymore.


 - Yep, she's right. That's why many of us do especially if we're not 25! 

- Or because we can't afford to leave financially - or we'd end up living in a hovel with not much money. 

- Or because of the kids, a big one. 

- Or because we think we love you. Deep down we don't. We like you. We like living with you. We like our life, our house, all those good things. We love you as we would a close one. 

R tries to achieve the impossible - fall in love again with someone who decided at some point that a roll in the hay with someone else was just too tempting to pass up. 

In most cases WS becomes a convenience which is why you felt hurt. She didn't say, "I stayed because I loved you." 

That 'in love', 'soulmate', 'the one', 'the person I trust most in the world who is always there for me' thang??? 

That never comes back.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

professor_panda said:


> Because many of us are dependent upon our spouses for our happiness. We don't know how to be on our own. The feeling of abandonment is greater than that of our own self-worth. We hate ourselves. If we loved ourselves, we would put their belongings in the driveway and call Uhaul for them. Instead we hold on for dear life and say and do stupid things to just hold on to whatever little bit of happiness they can provide.


This.

It's not about "the children" or "about finances" or about "love".

Those who stay, do so out of fear. They don't have the confidence and feeling of self worth that would give them the strength to cut the cheater out of their life.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Bullsh-t.

I know for me, my husband is one of the strongest men I know. He didn't stay with me out of fear. 

"Those who stay, do so out of fear". How about turn that table around and say "Those who leave, do so out of fear".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I'm with you Regret. It is scary as hell to stay with a cheater when it's known that they will cheat. It's still a leap of faith in your spouse and the relationship. There is a huge fear that you are wasting your life on a lost cause and stupid as hell for trying.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> Bullsh-t.
> 
> I know for me, my husband is one of the strongest men I know. He didn't stay with me out of fear.
> 
> ...



No I believe those who do so do it out of self respect for themselves and also for what marriage is supposed to stand for they know what there limits are and they simply can't accept this its not fear its understanding who you are and what you don't want nor can accept.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

xakulax said:


> No I believe those who do so do it out of self respect for themselves and also for what marriage is supposed to stand for they know what there limits are and they simply can't accept this its not fear its understanding who you are and what you don't want nor can accept.


I understand what you're saying, but I'm simply giving the devil's advocate to his statement...*"Those who stay, do so out of fear. They don't have the confidence and feeling of self worth that would give them the strength to cut the cheater out of their life."* 

To claim that someone attempts reconciliation does so out of fear and that they don't have confidence or a feeling of self worth is bullsh-t.

Just because someone leaves the relationship in an infidelity case does NOT mean in any way shape or form that they are any more confident, self worth filled or unafraid. That's just chest beating, IMO.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Kind of like this:


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Different people stay for different reasons. The same like people get married for different reasons.

I know some couples who are staying for the kids and planning to divorce as soon so the youngest turns 18... I know wives who are staying for finance - however, it's just what it is - staying - cohabitation rather than marriage.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Aerith said:


> Different people stay for different reasons. The same like people get married for different reasons.
> 
> I know some couples who are staying for the kids and planning to divorce as soon so the youngest turns 18... I know wives who are staying for finance - however, it's just what it is - staying - cohabitation rather than marriage.



I agree. I wouldn't be surprised how many marriages are just waiting tell the 18th birthday then its good by


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> To claim that someone attempts reconciliation does so out of fear and that they don't have confidence or a feeling of self worth is bullsh-t.


Please allow me to rephrase. It's my personal opinion that in many, if not most, but probably not all cases of infidelity, the betrayed partner stays with the cheater because the leaving, and all the change and unknowns that go with it, is more scary than staying with a person that has done the ultimate deception and who can probably never, ever be trusted again. 

It takes a strong partner to say "You've broken the marital vow, you've deceived me in the ultimate way, you're selfish and you cannot possibly love me, and I am outta here, I'll take my chances with starting over again".

Perhaps your husband is one of the exceptions. He's strong but he still sees the value in staying with you despite the history and the possibility of it happening again some day.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

It also takes a strong partner to say, "You've done the worst thing you could ever do to me in our marriage. I'm willing to give you one chance, just one to prove yourself to me. That is how much I love you."

While I can understand your point of view, just know that it is only _your_ reality and is not necessarily shared by all. There is always a counter point.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> While I can understand your point of view, just know that it is only _your_ reality and is not necessarily shared by all. There is always a counter point.


That's fair.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

xakulax said:


> I agree. I wouldn't be surprised how many marriages are just waiting tell the 18th birthday then its good by


Just remember though... Time. A wayward needs to understand that even those committed and telling them they'll be gone in a few years can change their minds. That gives you a substantial amount of time to become someone worthy that they'd want to have at their side. It shouldn't become an excuse to stop trying to create a healthy marriage.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Racer said:


> Just remember though... Time. A wayward needs to understand that even those committed and telling them they'll be gone in a few years can change their minds. That gives you a substantial amount of time to become someone worthy that they'd want to have at their side. It shouldn't become an excuse to stop trying to create a healthy marriage.



True I would argue a wayward that does nothing in that time to prove there self worthy of staying with is basically worthless but I also believe the nature of the affair can be so damaging no amount of self improvement will fix how the betrayed spouse see there wayward it depends on each individual person.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

melw74 said:


> 25 years, that is a long time, so i can understand why somebody like you would stay.
> 
> My husband is also the love my life, I love him with my heart and soul, but i think how i would feel if he was with another, and it terrifies me... It would rip my world apart, and then i just think if he feels the same way then why would he really do it??.
> 
> ...


That's exactly what my wife did. When I see on TAM how others have accidentally discovered the cheating, or saw the cheating, my heart breaks for them. At least I never went through that.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> That's exactly what my wife did. When I see on TAM how others have accidentally discovered the cheating, or saw the cheating, my heart breaks for them. At least I never went through that.


Same, and when i see so many struggle by sticking their heads up where the sun don't shine. Those hurt the most. I'm a WS and it's hard to see so many trusting people get screwed over because they are blinded by love.

I stay out of alot of the posts because sometimes being pretty blunt is just a little to much for some people to handle.

I keep saying, if you give us an inch, we'll push for 2 inches, then a foot, then a yard and on and on and on and on. As long as you keep backpedaling, we'll keep pushing forward.

BTW, thanks to everyone who replied to this thread. It was very helpful to vent a little and get it off my chest. I've spoken to my wife about it but she's more of a let it go and let's move forward and don't talk about it anymore. Just the culture and our generation still holds a little bit of the old culture still.

Old culture was men cheat, wife turned a blind eye and life goes on. It was always the norm, I've always stated that I grew up around men who cheated on their wives. And it was always known and accepted to happen.

I think my whole perspective was thrown for a loop when I saw the hurt I caused my wife. But I don't think I would have changed my way of thinking if not for my 1st child being a girl, I wouldn't want anyone to cheat on her...If I would have had a boy, I'm not too sure I would have changed my views too much on it was just the norm for men to cheat. So I guess I owe my 3 little girls for changing my way of thinking about infidelity.

BTW, almost 95% of all the men I know have cheated. And no, I won't remove them from my life (family and close personal friends) but it's their life and I'm not going to interfere. If it affects me personally then I'll get involved and heads will roll. Sorry, but I guess I still have some of that old school thinking left in me that at my age, it's just almost impossible to get rid of. But I'm trying. BTW my parents are from SE Asia to give some perspective of how alot men still treat women as 2nd class citizens still.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

nikoled said:


> I'm so mad at him. I'm so disappointed in him. I do not trust him at all. But I love him. Honestly, our relationship is probably the best it's every been right now AND the worst it's ever been right now.


You know I wonder if you really do love him if you are so mad and don't trust anymore. Aren't those "prerequisite" for love??

I ask because I feel the same about my wife. I'm disappointed, and don't trust and am very mad at her for how bad she has made our marriage but we have a lifetime of memories, not all good, but I do want to be with our grandkids together. At the same time I wonder if it's all worth it, and maybe it would be better with someone I could start over with. I know that I do not love her and could never be in love with her again.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Regret214 said:


> Bullsh-t.
> 
> I know for me, my husband is one of the strongest men I know. He didn't stay with me out of fear.
> 
> ...


..or you could say "Those that make blanket statements about why other people do things, do so out of ignorance"

I did x, so therefore, it's the only choice and the right one, anyone else is weak and a fool. I'm so alpha, hear me roar...


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hillary is still with Bill, and she's super alpha and not afraid of anything.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> You know I wonder if you really do love him if you are so mad and don't trust anymore. Aren't those "prerequisite" for love??
> 
> I ask because I feel the same about my wife. I'm disappointed, and don't trust and am very mad at her for how bad she has made our marriage but we have a lifetime of memories, not all good, but I do want to be with our grandkids together. At the same time I wonder if it's all worth it, and maybe it would be better with someone I could start over with. I know that I do not love her and could never be in love with her again.


That's another point, grandkids.. excellent example of why it's not always fear or as simple as that. I also was hoping to experience my grandkids with my wife, and hope that R will provide that opportunity. So I'm faced with those questions too... which brings up the question about if most start out R, just to buy time while they figure it all out. Less about fear, and more about being blindsided and needing more than a few minutes to sort out your future. Not wanting to make a decision you regret and can't take back. I watched my aunt and uncle divorce, spend a fortune on lawyers, and now they date. They have no kids and are in their 70's.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

russell28 said:


> Hillary is still with Bill, and she's super alpha and not afraid of anything.




You know that's more of a marriage of convenience right


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

CH said:


> We had no kids when I cheated. Actually I cheated right before we got married and when I got married (a 3 month affair).
> 
> We basically rug swept (or she did) and kept going on. It wasn't easy, the 1st 10 years were just being together and avoiding each other as much as possible (had kids 4 years after the affair).
> 
> ...


My very real question to you would be "Why do YOU stay?", if she's basically told you she regrets taking you back, wouldn't do so again if she had it to do over, and she's settling for you because she's too lazy to go seek someone else out? 

I am guessing your answer would be similar to hers. 

btw, I am not suggesting either of you leave. You guys gotta do what is right for you; every situation is unique to the people in it. Just asking what I think is an interesting question.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

xakulax said:


> You know that's more of a marriage of convenience right


I did not know that, than you for enlightening me.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

russell28 said:


> I did not know that, than you for enlightening me.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You can tell it's sarcasm because of the use of the word "enlightening"


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

2xloser said:


> My very real question to you would be "Why do YOU stay?", if she's basically told you she regrets taking you back, wouldn't do so again if she had it to do over, and she's settling for you because she's too lazy to go seek someone else out?
> 
> I am guessing your answer would be similar to hers.
> 
> btw, I am not suggesting either of you leave. You guys gotta do what is right for you; every situation is unique to the people in it. Just asking what I think is an interesting question.


No, she still loves me I know. She said if she could do it over knowing what she knows now she would have said no and left. It's not been easy. Why I stayed, because I do love her. She gave me a chance that I know I wouldn't have given her. So, now that things are good between us I've been busting behind to try and make amends.

I'm no angel and I'm not going to say it hasn't been tough and there have been thoughts of D at times (10 years after d-day on my part) but I'm glad we both stuck it out.

I'm still trying to get us back to where we were or close enough prior to the affair. It may never happen but I'm going to keep trying as long as she stays with me.

BTW, I could leave anytime and find someone rather quick. And she could also if she wanted to. I wouldn't get married again though if she left. I stay because I do still love her very much. Even though some days I want to go outside and bash my own head against a wall at times


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> That's exactly what my wife did. When I see on TAM how others have accidentally discovered the cheating, or saw the cheating, my heart breaks for them. At least I never went through that.


It must take a very strong person to be able to forgive and move on, but always have it on the mind what their partner did, for me i know i would not be able to deal with it. I am the sort of person who lays awake in bed at night if i have a problem, things play on my mind, I cant block things out no matter how hard i try, if i have a problem it seems to play on my mind, and gets me down.... I am a worrier.

I suffer with anxiety and depression, I think if my husband cheated it would push me over ( not suffered for quite some time thank god).... I know its probably hard to believe, but i really think it is down to my husband, hes down to earth, and generally never lets things get to him, hes a bit of a joker, soooooo easy going, I think it rubbed off on me.

I do not believe for a minute that someone who has been cheated on, and stays with that person is weak, I think they must be a very strong person to be able to forgive forget and move on, I know i couldn't.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> Bullsh-t.
> 
> I know for me, my husband is one of the strongest men I know. He didn't stay with me out of fear.
> 
> ...


It is not bull. You are correct in that fear is a factor in both staying or going.

There is one end factor.

It has taken over 30 years for me to realize. She contacted me after 25 years of not a word to each other.

She said she was sorry. I was the love of her life. When I found out I never fought for her. It was over in an instant.

It was not an exist affair for only her but for me too. She was not the love of my life.

If she was I would have fought. Dig took you back because he loves you.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

CH said:


> No, she still loves me I know. She said if she could do it over knowing what she knows now she would have said no and left. It's not been easy. Why I stayed, because I do love her. She gave me a chance that I know I wouldn't have given her. So, now that things are good between us I've been busting behind to try and make amends.
> 
> I'm no angel and I'm not going to say it hasn't been tough and there have been thoughts of D at times (10 years after d-day on my part) but I'm glad we both stuck it out.
> 
> ...


Yes, that was my poin -- same answer: She stayed "because she loves you", and you stayed "because you love her". Answered your own posting question.
Whatever works for you.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

At the time, I loved her and didn't want to lose the "future" (family, kids,...) I thought I will have with her.

Now, I think if I'll ever be in scuh a situation again and still without kids, I'll be out immediately. Even with kids, I don't know what I'd do.

Best wishes


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

xakulax said:


> hawx20 if I my ask will you continue to stay in the marriage after your daughter turns 18 or opt out ? i'm only asking because I see many male BS who stay for the kids usually leave when they go off to college.


Well, if 13 years later we are still together, it will be because of love and we would be passed that affair.

Now had my daughter been maybe 15 or 16 on dday, and could understand what had happened, I probably would have left. My first thought on dday was for my daughter. Just because life as i knew it was blown apart, I didnt want to do the same to hers.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Yep -- quite a story. She is a former employee of his who could have remained in contact during those thirty years and I just never thought that might happen. At this point, I'll never know.
> 
> The interesting part of it, to me, is that she is not who he married the moment the final decree was signed. She is the opposite of me. His new wife is a carbon copy of me.


And quite possibly he will continue to cheat with the same OW on his new wife... Habits die hard.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

Anything long term, for example affairs, multiple sex workers etc is unforgivable in my eyes and i will never forgive anyone like that. One night stand is not as bad but if it happens several times then i would just leave. Affairs are only one form if cheating.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> You know I wonder if you really do love him if you are so mad and don't trust anymore. Aren't those "prerequisite" for love??
> 
> I ask because I feel the same about my wife. I'm disappointed, and don't trust and am very mad at her for how bad she has made our marriage but we have a lifetime of memories, not all good, but I do want to be with our grandkids together. At the same time I wonder if it's all worth it, and maybe it would be better with someone I could start over with. I know that I do not love her and could never be in love with her again.


I think at this point in our relationship, 5 weeks past Dday, I absolutely can be mad at him and not trust him and still love him. It's all still really fresh and raw. I think in time if he does not regain my trust there will be a problem and that will affect the love. But right now he seems to be doing everything "right". I'm going out on a limb and giving him a chance to prove me right. He gets one chance- that is it. Our love is not the same- that is for sure. Still figuring out exactly what it is.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

russell28 said:


> That's another point, grandkids.. excellent example of why it's not always fear or as simple as that. I also was hoping to experience my grandkids with my wife, and hope that R will provide that opportunity. So I'm faced with those questions too... which brings up the question about if most start out R, just to buy time while they figure it all out. Less about fear, and more about being blindsided and needing more than a few minutes to sort out your future. Not wanting to make a decision you regret and can't take back. I watched my aunt and uncle divorce, spend a fortune on lawyers, and now they date. They have no kids and are in their 70's.


Russell, I do like what you wrote a lot. I spend a lot of time thinking about being blindsided if she figured out that I really wasn't totally into R but buying time to figure out what would be the best for me. I figure that my options financially are going to be so limited being male it probably would take so much thought. I find myself really not wanting R but not wanting D either, when I lean either way I start feeling conflicted. Like I said, I don't love her and that won't change. I don't want her in my future either but I don't think I have a choice.


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## danger_mouse (Apr 21, 2014)

wranglerman said:


> Blind hope that,
> 
> A) Dday was a bad dream,
> 
> ...


My ex, bless her, she still says she'll take me back tomorrow if I want to go back, even after all that I did to her, real glutton for punishment, never will though, it is simply not worth ruining what sound mind she has left after my escapades.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Because there are just as many positive stories about life after the affair than there are horror stories. Because if two people really want to then their marriage can be even stronger. Because the vows the BS made were true to them and they are loyal to them. So many reasons.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

The first time our boys were 4 and 11 and I was totally shocked by the discovery, even the possibility, that he had cheated, virtually, but he was 'in love' with someone he had never met in person (other side of the country). I did not want to lose what we had, HE was on the fence, blamed me, and I was left in limbo for a couple of months. We went to counseling, talked and talked and he decided to stay. 

16 years later same scenario, new OW, also 1000+ miles away. We had not been doing well communicating, he was always angry, but on D Day I told him I would not go through another experience like last time to get in or get out of the marriage. He chose in. We worked on us, spent more time together and had what I thought was a great year. 

As it turned out, 8 months after that D Day he was 'curious' as to how the OW was and called her. They swore they would not get involved again, he said, but one thing led to another and they were back in the virtual sack. This time I was done, I was hurt but I had no fight left in me. I was ready to give up but I was not leaving our home, MY home, that I had put so much into after 12 years here. 

He promised he would never hurt me again, he would never contact her again, or anyone else in this way and begged me to give him another chance. He said HE would leave if he ever did this again, which he wouldn't. I was skeptical even though he seemed sincere. I monitored him for a while just to be forwarned as all 3 times it took me a while to realize what was happening. 

He has not gone back on his word and seems much more invested in us now. I didn't leave because I was never going to leave. I told him if it happened again he could go and do whatever he wanted as WE would be over. I will not go through this again. This year we have been married for 35 years and that does become part of the decision not to leave. I really can't imagine starting over with someone else, I have seen what's out there, and it's not pretty, and I don't mean physically, I no longer have a young woman's body either. I would not run out and find myself another man asap, that is for sure.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

We don't. Well at least I don't. Didn't, and won't.

See I'm a very black and white person when it comes to adultery. In a relationship I try to give the best and expect to see the same. That must be why I consider R as "asking for it again".

When we argue I always am the first one to cool down rather quickly and try to find a resolution and upon seeing a way to avoid prolonging the verbal violence, my partner follows suit and we have our talk like civil human beings. My current partner always compliments about this "resolutionary" attitude of mine whenever we talk about our idiosyncratic faculties.

But infidelity? Whoa, hold the phone. For me, no amount of love could stop me from taking a quick hike. For me, it's not a topic open for discussion, fortunately enough my partner has the same opinion and on that nice pants-stay-on-department, we have an agreement. Simply put.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Hillary is still with Bill, and she's super alpha and not afraid of anything.


That all depends on what your definition of "with" is.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> That all depends on what your definition of "with" is.



Yes, considering she took a job that mostly keeps her out of the country, and, even when here I'm sure their abode is large enough that they don't really have to see each other. She is a career woman, and that is what she is working on, not Bill.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

PamJ said:


> The first time our boys were 4 and 11 and I was totally shocked by the discovery, even the possibility, that he had cheated, virtually, but he was 'in love' with someone he had never met in person (other side of the country). I did not want to lose what we had, HE was on the fence, blamed me, and I was left in limbo for a couple of months. We went to counseling, talked and talked and he decided to stay.
> 
> 16 years later same scenario, new OW, also 1000+ miles away. We had not been doing well communicating, he was always angry, but on D Day I told him I would not go through another experience like last time to get in or get out of the marriage. He chose in. We worked on us, spent more time together and had what I thought was a great year.
> 
> ...



How do you look at him every day and not be reminded of his behavior? How do you lay in bed with him and not think of him making love to the ow? How do you not think of him hurting you so much? This is a man you have grown up with, lived your whole life with, do you just live your live as a separate person now within your marriage? 

Has experience, age, wisdom and taken off the rose color glasses show you that reality is what reality is? It is better to know your snake than not? How do you know your life wont be better without him than with him? 

I dont ask these questions to be rude, I ask these questions because I am at such cross roads as I too am in a long term marriage and cant determine, do I stay or do I leave... as people stay married for a lot of reasons other than love as a lot of people married too for other reasons than love. Please share your wisdom on what made you able to live with the decision to stay. 

-sammy


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> How do you look at him every day and not be reminded of his behavior? How do you lay in bed with him and not think of him making love to the ow? How do you not think of him hurting you so much? This is a man you have grown up with, lived your whole life with, do you just live your live as a separate person now within your marriage?
> 
> Has experience, age, wisdom and taken off the rose color glasses show you that reality is what reality is? It is better to know your snake than not? How do you know your life wont be better without him than with him?
> 
> ...


For many of the older women I know, this seems to be an issue of 'the devil you know.' So much time has been invested in the marriage, that imagining a different life is almost impossible. And this gets you stuck.

You think you're in limbo, but as the years pass, the limbo actually becomes your life. You find yourself at age 70 looking back on a large part of your life spent 'trying to decide.' And then you realize that it isn't limbo; it's your life. It's just how it is defined & it has been your choice all along.

I have a sister who has existed in this limbo into her 60's. She has been agonizing for a very long time about it. I found myself telling her recently that after so many years and at her age, it really is sadly a lifestyle choice.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In my case, I wanted peace. And that was much more important to me than remaining in my then-45 year marriage and waiting for the "natural end". That's what people in long, unhappy marriages do. Gamble they will outlive their spouse and still be healthy enough to enjoy life. That may or may not happen. I didn't want to chance it so I got out. I haven't regretted it.


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

CH said:


> Just curious.
> 
> I asked my wife this question recently and now she says that if she had to do it again, she wouldn't have taken me back.
> 
> ...


Listen to your wife she told you the truth and basically settled and what I mean by that is she held you at a pedestal and when you had you affair you fell from it. You essentially became the "stereotypical cheating man" but she's used to you and doesn't want to lose all she has built with you and start over. Women get pissed at time lost because unlike men we don't get distinguished we just get old. So I'm sorry to say but yeah she settled and I'm not surprised your relationship changed because how she views you as a man and a husband changed


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Why do you take us back?


In many cases it boils down to a person being in a position that they just can't financially afford not to. Since the world has become such a forgiving and spineless place -- adultery does not carry a punishment befitting the grief it lays upon the injured partner. That's why it is so persistent.

Doesn't that make a cheater feel good about him/herself?


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