# How I made it through the madness



## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

I feel the need to post this here, mainly because it is exactly what I needed and was looking for 6 months ago when I was in the emotional abyss of facing divorce. I remember saying that I couldn’t picture life without my husband. The grief I felt over the future we had planned together was nearly unbearable. If I could have had a glimpse of what my life is like today I would have been able to see clearly even through the tears I cried day in and out. 

Looking back on my marriage, I realize it is not everything I wanted or needed in a relationship. Could it have become that way, maybe. But it would have taken a lot of change from both of us, that we were most likely not willing to commit to. I allowed my husband’s wants and needs to overtake my own, and along the way I completely lost my identity. The devastation I felt came from a sense of “if I’m not his wife, then who am I”. When he was explaining why he wanted a divorce, my husband told me he felt we were no longer compatible and deserved to find people who we shared more in common with. I was in disbelief that he could feel this way and offended beyond words that he could feel like there was someone better suited to be his partner. But, he was right. 

Here are a few things that helped me to grow and gain the independence I needed to see a life without my husband. 

1.	Get your **** together. Make a plan. Find the answers to the question marks that have come up because of the divorce. Spend time researching a lawyer, making living arrangements, childcare arrangements, etc. The more question marks you exchange with periods, the less fear you will have about the future, because you are taking control of the wheel again. 

2.	Talk. Find a counselor to talk to. I went to my marriage counselor for months after we stopped couples counseling. I also spoke with a close, “no-bs” friend of mine who wasn’t afraid to call me out when necessary. If you have family you can talk to then great. I did not find my family to be incredibly helpful because they were too emotionally invested to give me rational advice. If you have no one, then lean on those in this forum. If you are up at 4am, throw your feelings in a post and get them off your chest.

3.	Look at the positive aspects of your new found freedom. I lived like a single mom for months before my divorce, so at first I had no idea what to do on his days with the kids. Eventually, I found that I needed that time more than ever. I forced myself outside of my comfort zone and joined clubs that had caught my eye, challenged myself with that gym membership I had made excuses to avoid for years and years. I found therapy in walking alone on the beach, reading a book, watching whatever movie I want to completely uninterrupted. I have reconnected with my friends and make plans with them every week whether it is going on a day trip or just grabbing a drink after work. I picked up hobbies, like kayaking and paddle boarding, that I never had time for before. 

4.	Make a soundtrack for your life. Find music that makes you feel happy, strong, relaxed, hopeful and play it ALL THE TIME. I learned that just having that positive background noise in the car, around the house, at work, while I walked, honestly everywhere made it really difficult to get down on myself. 

5.	Look good and feel good. Get dressed, do your makeup, do your nails, shave those legs. We feel more confident and value ourselves when we put effort in. I actually lost 35 lbs in the 3 months after the divorce talk. Between the “divorce diet” and my desire to punch things at a kickboxing gym I became in better shape than I had in 15 years. My self image has improved dramatically and I find myself placing more value on myself because I have invested more in myself. 

6.	Start dating when YOU feel the time is right. After we separated, I realized I had been in a loveless marriage for over a year. I couldn’t remember the last time he said “I love you” or “you’re beautiful”. It had been many months since we had held hands, cuddled at night, and the sex had become few and far between (and was honestly nothing to write home about when it did happen). About 2 ½ months after we called it quits, I began feeling a connection with a former co-worker of mine. I was so concerned about what people would think, and wondered if it was too soon. He is in the military and was deploying soon, so it was almost like a no-strings-attached freedom to explore. So… I did and it was amazing. We became really close over the 3 months before he deployed, and he made me feel like I was the sexiest thing to walk the earth. And the sex was insane. So insane, that I am sad that I have gone so long without knowing it. We had more in common than my husband and I had over 11 years of marriage. It was at that time I realized how right my husband was. Going on dates with other men, I have learned that when that train leaves the station there is usually another right behind it. I have found things that I really need in a relationship, and things that I really don’t want through dating. And I have learned a lot about myself through the process. 

7.	Finally, embrace the process. Own it. Use it as fuel to grow. The more you accept that this is happening, the more you will move on. For those of you saying, but we can work it out, I can’t live without him, he says he won’t do it again, maybe if I just say the right thing/do the right thing it will all be better… I reply with: are you sure you want it to, yes you absolutely can, he will, and you shouldn’t have to. Remember the feelings you have today, because you will look back on it in 6 months or a year or 5 years and say “holy ****, I can’t believe that was me”. The longer you sit in this rut just hoping for the best, the longer you are depriving yourself of a wonderful life you can and will create on your own. 

I really hope that anyone reading this has found at least one sentence useful. I spent way too much time being loyal and hopeful, and did not place enough value and respect towards myself. Hoping that the things I have learned can also be useful to someone standing at the starting line. Being on the other side of the emotional roller coaster, I can see that this is the best thing that could have happened to me. This has been a defining moment in my life and has allowed me to take a personal inventory, find what really makes me happy, and allow me the opportunity to find a true partner.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well I didn't post on your last thread, and I am sorry for that. I would have encouraged you that what happened for you is what was going to happen. Let me just add, if you make sure your picker is fixed and you get the right guy, your life is going to be SO much better that you will wonder why you tried so long. The difference will be night and day. I see you are getting a sense of that now, but having things in common is one thing. You need that but you are looking for a life long partner and advocate. That's not any great insight by the way that is just how this stuff works. 

Adulterers are just not good spouses, and it's never really comes down to just the intimacy part, it's the whole thing. They very much don't have the stuff in them to be good at it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What an awesome post! Thank you for sharing your experience, you very likely are going to help a lot of people trying to muddle through this whole process with your post!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Holy schiester, that's the best post I've read in a long time. I'm so glad that things are going well for you, and that you're shining brighter than ever! I think you might be my new hero


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Thank you for sharing this.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Thank you!!!!

I needed this!


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Well I didn't post on your last thread, and I am sorry for that. I would have encouraged you that what happened for you is what was going to happen. Let me just add, if you make sure your picker is fixed and you get the right guy, your life is going to be SO much better that you will wonder why you tried so long. The difference will be night and day. I see you are getting a sense of that now, but having things in common is one thing. You need that but you are looking for a life long partner and advocate. That's not any great insight by the way that is just how this stuff works.
> 
> Adulterers are just not good spouses, and it's never really comes down to just the intimacy part, it's the whole thing. They very much don't have the stuff in them to be good at it.


The problem is, everyone’s picker has about a 25% chance of picking a non-adulterer after age 40. They may seem really wonderful, but everyone is vulnerable to an affair. I’d say about 95% won’t admit that they had one in the past. One would not get to husband or wife #2 very quickly admitting past affairs.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

rv10flyer said:


> The problem is, everyone’s picker has about a 25% chance of picking a non-adulterer after age 40. They may seem really wonderful, but everyone is vulnerable to an affair. I’d say about 95% won’t admit that they had one in the past. One would not get to husband or wife #2 very quickly admitting past affairs.


I don't think 75% of divorced people have cheated. That's to high. Maybe 50%. Everyone is vulnerable but half just won't.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I don't think 75% of divorced people have cheated. That's to high. Maybe 50%. Everyone is vulnerable but half just won't.


I think people have no idea the role that resentment plays in infidelity.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Great post! I am glad you took something as challenging as divorce and found some rays of light to make it through. Life doesn't end with Divorce. It sounds like it was good that you are no longer with him. Anyone who says "we are no longer compatible" is not ready for marriage. Marriage is NOT about compatibility but more about committment. Two people will grow and change for the rest of their lives. It's better to find someone who is willing to stick with you through the changes and not bail so easily.


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## Confusedwife20 (Jul 19, 2018)

clb0208 said:


> I hope anyone reading this has found at least one sentence useful. I spent way too much time being loyal and hopeful, and did not place enough value and respect towards myselif. Hoping that the things I have learned can also be useful to someone standing at the starting line.


Wow! Thanks so much for sharing. I am so glad everything is working out for you. This has truly been inspirational and exactly what I needed to read today. You have definitely given me hope.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

rv10flyer said:


> The problem is, everyone’s picker has about a 25% chance of picking a non-adulterer after age 40. They may seem really wonderful, but everyone is vulnerable to an affair. I’d say about 95% won’t admit that they had one in the past. One would not get to husband or wife #2 very quickly admitting past affairs.


I agree that people would not be very marketable if they advertised their previous affairs, but the same could be said about many things. I think the important thing is to build up your own self worth, so that when we are faced with a negative relationship, or recognize red flags about a person we walk away. If we place value on ourselves above a potential relationship, then we do pick better people ultimately. That doesn't mean that we are immune from *******s who hide disguise themselves as prince charming, but we are able to pick up on and believe those subtle things that we otherwise ignore when we value the idea of the relationship above the quality of the relationship.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

MZMEE said:


> Great post! I am glad you took something as challenging as divorce and found some rays of light to make it through. Life doesn't end with Divorce. It sounds like it was good that you are no longer with him. Anyone who says "we are no longer compatible" is not ready for marriage. Marriage is NOT about compatibility but more about committment. Two people will grow and change for the rest of their lives. It's better to find someone who is willing to stick with you through the changes and not bail so easily.


I absolutely agree with you. Marriage is 100% commitment to work on being the best you for the other person. When one person drops the ball and decides it isn't worth it anymore, then it can no longer work. My marriage was like a slow leak for many years, until one day there was absolutely nothing left. We put one thing after another in front of our relationship, until eventually we could no longer even see each other as a partner. I take responsibility in this too, because I did not place enough value on my marriage to pull close when I needed to. Marriage is also about being content with life. When one cannot be content and comfortable in the life they are living, the become resentful of anything or anyone who they view is keeping them there.


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## TedRabb (Aug 13, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Well I didn't post on your last thread, and I am sorry for that. I would have encouraged you that what happened for you is what was going to happen. Let me just add, if you make sure your picker is fixed and you get the right guy, your life is going to be SO much better that you will wonder why you tried so long. The difference will be night and day. I see you are getting a sense of that now, but having things in common is one thing. You need that but you are looking for a life long partner and advocate. That's not any great insight by the way that is just how this stuff works.
> 
> Adulterers are just not good spouses, and it's never really comes down to just the intimacy part, it's the whole thing. They very much don't have the stuff in them to be good at it.


Did the OP say her husband was an adulterer?


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## TedRabb (Aug 13, 2018)

Thanks for this thread. It is good to see someone able to move on positively from such an earth changing situation as a divorce. 

I will be delivering a message like your husband did, I hope my wife is strong enough to move on well.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

rv10flyer said:


> The problem is, everyone’s picker has about a 25% chance of picking a non-adulterer after age 40. They may seem really wonderful, but everyone is vulnerable to an affair. *I’d say about 95% won’t admit that they had one in the past. One would not get to husband or wife #2 very quickly admitting past affairs.*


*But isn't that failure to admit to having had a prior affair, in and of itself, "deception?"

I know that if I ended up marrying them, I would feel totally heartbroken to learn that some potential spouse lied to me about their material participation in an affair while being married to a former spouse.

To hell with their act of cheating ~ their deception and lying is paramount here!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kudos to you and your inner strength. A great post!


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

TedRabb said:


> Did the OP say her husband was an adulterer?


My husband had multiple EAs over the course of our 11 year marriage. I have no proof that there was anything beyond that, however I have my suspicions, especially regarding the most recent one.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Thanks for the post. I’ve had a really down week, can’t even see into next week, much less six months down the road. You’re helping keep my head above water.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Uselessmale said:


> Thanks for the post. I’ve had a really down week, can’t even see into next week, much less six months down the road. You’re helping keep my head above water.



Hang in there! You don't need to see 6 months down the road, or even next week. In the beginning, I literally took it hour by hour, then day by day, then week by week. Try planning some things to look forward to throughout your week (dinner with friends, a movie, a new work out routine) or even pick things like the season premier of a show you like, and focus your attention on those milestones. Then you can really feel that you are making it through the weeks regardless of if you want to or not. What helped me, is when I realized that time was passing no matter if I was productively trying to better myself, or if I was wallowing in my own sorrow. So then I made the decision that I was going to choose to use the time rather than lose it to my misery. I really hope that your days become shorter for you and your mind can clear the chaos.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Thank you


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