# How can I get go of resentment toward my husband?



## Zeldaforever (Oct 16, 2011)

We have been married 9 years and have a 5 year old daughter.
My husband and I are trying to work through some issues we have been having.
On his side, he has a bad temper and it flares up often, and he has a hard time dealing with stress without taking it out on others. He throws things and breaks things, and screams and cusses at me.
On my side, I hold grudges and resentment builds in me every time we have a fight. He also says I give him the cold shoulder and withhold love for long periods(not even sex, because I have sex as often as he wants it, but like, I don't show affection). I do this without realizing it.
I really don't want a divorce and it's been coming up in our fights and I sometimes daydream about being single. We are both becoming less happy, but i want to do my part to change what I can. I can't change him. Our marriage counselor told me I need to forgive him for the hurt he has caused me over the years instead of holding on to it. I don't know how.
I sometimes tell myself, I forgive him, but I can feel a hardness in my heart and I know its not true. He hasn't ever cheated on me and he's never hit me.
Why is this so difficult? Are there steps I can take to begin healing my heart and get out relationship back to what it once was?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Forgiveness has always been an abstract concept for me as well... I don't think I've ever learned to forgive myself or others... A lot of what I understand is that it is for the SELF and not the other person... Hopefully someone here can help us both 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Zelda,

Just my opinion, but to “forgive” means through compassion and understanding, you move past it. That’s pretty hard to do if he is still doing the same things. Your unaffectionate feelings are a natural response to his behavior.
I believe that you would need to express to him exactly that. “I am willing to forgive and put it behind us. I am willing to work towards mutuall happiness, But I cannot do so if this behavior does not change. Only through consistent change, removing these behaviors, and time can I begin to trust and love you with the affection you desire.” 

You simply cannot but away resentment if his behavior keeps piling on more and more.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Zeldaforever said:


> We have been married 9 years and have a 5 year old daughter.
> My husband and I are trying to work through some issues we have been having.
> On his side, he has a bad temper and it flares up often, and he has a hard time dealing with stress without taking it out on others. He throws things and breaks things, and screams and cusses at me.
> On my side, I hold grudges and resentment builds in me every time we have a fight. He also says I give him the cold shoulder and withhold love for long periods(not even sex, because I have sex as often as he wants it, but like, I don't show affection). I do this without realizing it.
> ...


Two things come to mind. First he has to take his head out of where he has it stuck and work out that his anger is causing a problem and then to actually do something about it. Note - this is probably a long term mission: he didn't get that way overnight and he won't stop being like it overnight either.

Second both of you have to attach more value to being happy together than you do to being right. Again, this is quick and easy to say but not so quick and easy to do.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Has his temperament improved at all since this has come to light? It is hard to forgive if its still going on. If there have been noticeable improvements, perhaps you can try to recognize and appreciate the improvement until it eventually lessens significantly. My H has a temper and it use to be horrible. He has recognized this issue and has made significant strides to correct it. Not perfect but enough that it is much more enjoyable being around him and I can focus more on the qualities I love about him 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

First of all I want to offer you kudos for your self awareness and your interest in doing your part. 

In regard to forgiveness, I dont think you should unless and until he makes some strides in the right direction. You should tell him this verbatim. 

If he does make those strides, then offer him encouragement, appreciation and forgiveness. It will be easy and natural. 

Be firm with any relapse and continue the good stuff with any progress. 

Best wishes


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## Zeldaforever (Oct 16, 2011)

Just my opinion, but to “forgive” means through compassion and understanding, you move past it. That’s pretty hard to do if he is still doing the same things. Your unaffectionate feelings are a natural response to his behavior.
I believe that you would need to express to him exactly that. “I am willing to forgive and put it behind us. I am willing to work towards mutuall happiness, But I cannot do so if this behavior does not change. Only through consistent change, removing these behaviors, and time can I begin to trust and love you with the affection you desire.”

You simply cannot but away resentment if his behavior keeps piling on more and more. 

THIS. I think this hits the nail on the head for me. Every time I try to get past it, a self-protective shield comes up and says"But it's just going to happen again. Don't let down your defenses or you will be hurt again." So this is what makes it so hard, but I know I HAVE to try, even while he is in the process of trying to change. Is there any merit to "Fake it til you make it?" Like, if I do everything I can to make him happy and try to make things better on my part, show more affection, etc., maybe he will try harder to change and find it easier to stop letting his anger get the best of him. I wonder if it would work. Even if I can't completely forgive him right away.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi--

my husband had that same problem. we talked about old hurts and past fights. sometimes its still too much pain to have a calm conversation about a certain topic.

you have to set ground rules, make very clear statements about what you are getting ready to bring up. these things matter to you, and he should respect the fact its bothering you.

the same goes for you also, if he brings up a old grudge, you must listen and think about how and why it has bothered him for this time.

your ground rules are, you cant restart the fight [if it gets heated say, we will back burner this for another time]..i am allowed to tell you things on my mind, even if you dont agree...have the same open avenue both ways...this isnt about placing blame, its about communicating after some time has gone by.

we all have some thing that bothered us from time to time. talking is the best way to get it out and the air cleared. at first my husband would say why are you bringing up this old sh!t?? i said it must be a problem, we are having the same fight like clockwork, every 3 weeks.

also right fighting, stay on subject, dont bring up old things in a arguement. this makes the other person not want to talk about it even less.

if the other person changes the couse for the fight, just say im not talking about that, lets talk about that later when we cool down. your husband should not be throwing things. tell him that is unacceptable, and leave the room. later on say, we use words, we are adults, if you cant use words, than we will discuss this topic later on when we have cooled off.

dont throw anything back, because then its all good to keep acting like that. fighting, and drama go hand-in-hand. its a habit and its a nasty one. break the cycle by right fighting, and letting things cool down.

dont hold love/affection away from him. you love him, just right now you dont like him. this is a small moment in your lives, it will be over in a minute. you can be mad and upset. say im still mad from earlier, i would like to talk about it later.

then be your happy loving self then later talk calmly and say what you felt earlier. let him talk about his point of view. dont start yelling, that will make him tune you out, and not want to continue this further.

sometimes, the both of you are saying the same thing just different wording.

sorry for the book, and i hope this helps.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> If the same issues from ages ago are coming up then they haven't been resolved.


Exactly. In this case there are several possibilities:

The same things keep happening - not only are they not resolved, they just keep repeating - with the same result each time.

They cannot be resolved - the differences are so fundamental and so significant that the people involved cannot move past them.

Both sides enjoy fighting and being right more than being happy and sorting stuff out.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I believe that you should not be focusing on forgiving him at this time. That will happen on its own over time, providing he is working on and achieving change. You can expect that he will have setbacks, when he does; if you can calmly express to him that it’s better not to communicate at all then to communicate in frustration and anger, express that you desire to have open communication when you both can remain calm. When he does, praise him and show him you appreciate that he is trying. The same with “fake it till you make it”, if you can simply focus on, and try to create positive in your marriage and him, the rest just might take care of itself. As was said, it’s not going to happen overnight. Just do your best to always be moving forward. I know, easier said than done, but change comes through persistence.


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## isloveenough? (Jul 19, 2011)

This, too, is something that I continue to deal with at home. I have been with my H since I was 15 and have now been married for 13 years, with children. He has always had the worst temper, the shouting, intimidation, not backing off when it gets scary, and the cussing. I can tell you that for me, I still have resentment for some of it, mostly because it kept happening after all his apologies. In your husband's case, it might be the compassion he feels that drives his emotions to come out during fights, as with my H. Stick to your guns and don't just accept this for the way it is because if you do then the resentment will become overwhelming.

The communication is key, he needs to not just hear how it makes you feel but really understand the impact it has on you. It will cause long-term damage, trust me, if it doesn't start to improve. I suggest that you both look into the book of the "Five Love Languages". My husband and I read it and we now have a much better understanding of what we need to do for the other to show love, how to speak each other's language. It's not a "cure-all" but once you both begin to make each other feel truly loved then it will certainly build on itself, and you and your husband's happiness will only compound. This helped in my marriage and our intimacy has never been better...still working out many other issues but the sex is one of our strongest areas that keep us close to one another. It could very well be the same for you and your husband too! Sorry for the blabbing on, but I thought maybe speaking from my own very similar, and still current situation, that it could provide some input.


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## Zeldaforever (Oct 16, 2011)

isloveenough? said:


> This, too, is something that I continue to deal with at home. I have been with my H since I was 15 and have now been married for 13 years, with children. He has always had the worst temper, the shouting, intimidation, not backing off when it gets scary, and the cussing. I can tell you that for me, I still have resentment for some of it, mostly because it kept happening after all his apologies. In your husband's case, it might be the compassion he feels that drives his emotions to come out during fights, as with my H. Stick to your guns and don't just accept this for the way it is because if you do then the resentment will become overwhelming.
> 
> The communication is key, he needs to not just hear how it makes you feel but really understand the impact it has on you. It will cause long-term damage, trust me, if it doesn't start to improve. I suggest that you both look into the book of the "Five Love Languages". My husband and I read it and we now have a much better understanding of what we need to do for the other to show love, how to speak each other's language. It's not a "cure-all" but once you both begin to make each other feel truly loved then it will certainly build on itself, and you and your husband's happiness will only compound. This helped in my marriage and our intimacy has never been better...still working out many other issues but the sex is one of our strongest areas that keep us close to one another. It could very well be the same for you and your husband too! Sorry for the blabbing on, but I thought maybe speaking from my own very similar, and still current situation, that it could provide some input.


 I think a lot of damage has already been done. I have low self-esteem and have a hard time expressing my love other than in the bedroom(even though I WANT TO..something is holding me back). 
About the book..I am the "relationship book" reader, he won't read a book unless it is called Sports Illustrated. I will look for it at my library. I am currently reading 10 things couples to to mess up their lives by Dr. Laura and Divorce-proof your marriage, by Dr. Gary Rosenburg. Both books say I should work on myself first, reward good behavior when it happens, and don't keep it going when bad things happen. I see the merit, but i do feel like I am alone in trying to fix things.


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