# stuck in the past



## Ana4 (Mar 14, 2017)

Is it ok for me to be angry that my DH is still hung up about my past relationships/friendships?
I guess I should give a little more backstory. I've been married for 4 yrs, but we met over 6 years ago. We're on and off again during that time. The most turbulent was a couple years before we got married. I had a lot of guy friends and my best gf was fixing me up w a guy stationed overseas. It was a confusing time because I was a single mom, and divorced and unsure what love was. My now DH was unclear with his intentions and we had yet to define our relationship. Needless to say we argued a lot until I realized the reason was because I wanted a stable set relationship with someone, and want to find The one and he ended up being it. Dropped all the guy friends, dropped all the unhealthy friendships, one miscarriage (which he accused me of cheating and aborting, which was NOT the case) and a year later and we had another on the way and got married. I promised I would never speak to anyone I had a relationship with in the past.
Fast forward to now. We just had our 2nd baby together (if ur keeping track that's 3 kids total) and I still feel like my past relationships are haunting me. I kept my end of the deal. I don't have close relationships with any male. But every now and again DH will make a comment in jest (say my "number" is higher than i told him) or ask about old contacts and names in my phone. First those contacts in my phone were old work contacts. One name he found, in an email he drafted to me of names to ask about, was the guy my friend tried to set me up with but I never met in person. Second, am I overreacting? Is it normal that these questions pop up? Should I have no problem rehashing any relationship work, friend or other? Btw when this conversations come up, I end up getting really angry, so he said he doesn't feel like I'm letting him express his feelings and he doesn't have anyone to talk to. So now he txts me when he has a question.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You both need marriage counseling. Then he'll have someone to talk to.

Sounds like there's a lot of resentment on both your sides. The fact you mention that your relationship started with a lot of "on/off again" and contention is not a good indicator for a healthy long-term relationship.

Your concerns are valid, however they are coming from a place where you feel that you have made a sacrifice by giving up your male friends and becoming somewhat of a hermit. You should never feel resentful of choices you make for the sake of a relationship. There are differing opinions on this board as to whether you can have same sex friends. Personally, I feel that men and women are incapable of being friends. I used to have many guy friends during my first marriage and it created a huge issue that I was unaware of (and rather blind to). Now, I have no male friends other than the occasional male acquaintance I happen to work with on client engagements. The work is short term and I don't associate with them outside of the engagement.

Maybe he never quite developed the full trust in you. That could either be because he knew you were hesitant to give up your male friends (i.e. resentful) OR he is inordinately jealous and needs to work on forgiving you and moving on.

Again, marriage counseling (MC) will help to address all of this.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

He obviously doesn't trust you and doesn't believe the answers you give him to his persistent questions. 

The issue could be with him- he doesn't trust anyone due to his childhood experience or prior relationship issues or whatever.. and/or he doesn't trust you because of your off and on relationship with him especially including that when you were "off" with him you were "on" with one or more guys. From the way you describe it there was a LOT of bouncing around between you and other guys when the two of you weren't doing so well. How about him, was he with other women when you were having those difficult times?

Either way there's a lack of trust on his part and resentment of that lack of trust is building on your part. It's sort of like that boulder that's slowly rolling down the hill, gaining speed as it's headed towards an object that it's going to totally annihilate, and that object in this case is your marriage. 

I hate to be the one that says 'we can't help you, get marriage counseling' but the truth is there's probably nothing you can say or do that's going to change this situation without a neutral third party in the form of a trained, competent and caring therapist who can give you the tools you need to try to rebuild this broken trust.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I'd tell him that you've honored your commitment and have been faithful to him since you guys decided to become exclusive. From now on, if he brings up your past dating/sex history, you will not engage with him. If he continues to have angry outbursts, you'll enroll him in anger management as a condition for staying married to you.

Seriously, he sounds like he's treating you like you were some promiscuous ****, and that's totally unacceptable.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Ana4 said:


> Is it ok for me to be angry that my DH is still hung up about my past relationships/friendships?
> I guess I should give a little more backstory. I've been married for 4 yrs, but we met over 6 years ago. We're on and off again during that time. The most turbulent was a couple years before we got married. I had a lot of guy friends and my best gf was fixing me up w a guy stationed overseas. It was a confusing time because I was a single mom, and divorced and unsure what love was. My now *DH was unclear with his intentions and we had yet to define our relationship*. Needless to say we argued a lot until I realized the reason was because I wanted a stable set relationship with someone, and want to find The one and he ended up being it. Dropped all the guy friends, dropped all the unhealthy friendships, one miscarriage (*which he accused me of cheating and aborting*, which was NOT the case) and a year later and we had another on the way and got married. I promised I would never speak to anyone I had a relationship with in the past.


To answer your question .. No, it's not OK. If he hadn't made his intentions clear or defined the relationship then he doesn't get to question what you did at the time. 

Did he expect you to just sit and wait from the second you met while he considered his options and intentions?

Accusing someone of cheating and aborting a baby when they've just had a miscarriage is pretty damn selfish and heartless. 



Ana4 said:


> Fast forward to now. We just had our 2nd baby together (if ur keeping track that's 3 kids total) and I still feel like my past relationships are haunting me. I kept my end of the deal. I don't have close relationships with any male. But every now and again DH will make a comment in jest (say my "number" is higher than i told him) or ask about old contacts and names in my phone. First those contacts in my phone were old work contacts. One name he found, in an email he drafted to me of names to ask about, was the guy my friend tried to set me up with but I never met in person. Second, am I overreacting? Is it normal that these questions pop up? Should I have no problem rehashing any relationship work, friend or other? Btw when this conversations come up, I end up getting really angry, so he said he doesn't feel like I'm letting him express his feelings and he doesn't have anyone to talk to. So now he txts me when he has a question.


You are not overreacting and those questions shouldn't keep popping up. Your past is your past, it's what you do together that counts.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Satya said:


> You both need marriage counseling. Then he'll have someone to talk to.
> 
> Sounds like there's a lot of resentment on both your sides. The fact you mention that your relationship started with a lot of "on/off again" and contention is not a good indicator for a healthy long-term relationship.
> 
> ...


I agree about men and women cannot be friends. I view women as potential mates as I am genetically programmed to do. I can like them as people but will never hang out with women like I do with male friends. As far as trust goes, I think that a healthy dose of mistrust is a good thing. The two times I fully trusted a fiancee and girlfriend, they cheated because I was too trusting and was OK with them having male friends at work or hanging out with girlfriends who had boyfriends, etc.. This is the main reason why I do not believe in monogamy. I have been in an ethical non monogamous marriage for most of the 44 years we are married. 

I have seen a lot in my life. Wives of friends offering me oral sex or touching me inappropriately. Married women who have been cheating on their husband for most of their marriage. A friend who was cheating from the time his wife was just a girlfriend through engagement and finally marriage. Every boss that I had, male of female, was cheating on their spouses including my current one which I found out about and now have job security as a result.

I travelled a lot of business and a lot of other business men I met at hotel bars, conferences, etc., found this to be an easy and safe way to cheat. My best friend let his wife hang with her group of male and female friends and guess what happened, she had an affair with one of the males and divorced him. When the guy dumped her, she went back to her husband who, lets say to be kind, was not the type of guy that attracts women. 

We all get attracted to others. The only thing that prevents us from rutting in the street like dogs is our moral code. Most think their code is the correct moral code and judge others by it. You can still be a good person, but have a different moral code. Given free reign, a spouse can more easily cheat. Moral code or not, when emotions come into play humans tend to make made decisions. A watchful eye can re-enforce your spouses moral code. I was too trusting, and that never worked out for me, sexually or professionally. I am not talking about being suspicious of every little thing, but a healthy dose of mistrust that does not cause problems, and does not allow you to believe 100% can keep a trustful mate, trustful.


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## GPC2012 (Feb 13, 2017)

Trust is a two way street and must be so. It sounds to me like he's pointing out all of your issues to keep you away from finding his. I can't believe I'm saying this but is there any chance he has a guilty conscience over an affair he recently had or is currently having? When you keep the light pointed in one direction it's usually because you don't want it to shine on something in the dark


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## DianaJennings (May 23, 2017)

Thanks for sharing helpful suggestion.


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