# What brought on the upset/tears mid-sex, if it wasn't pleasure, connection or ptsd?



## MNnice (Mar 11, 2016)

First things first, I have never been sexually abused in any way and my husband has always respected and treated me very well. I am 24 in a happy loving relationship of 6 years with my now husband. I am very health conscious and a fitness fanatic. My husband, a junk food lover who hits the gym a few times a year, miraculously manages to remain physically fit and healthy too. Our relationship is very strong with little to no issues aside from my nonexistent sex drive. My husband is obviously aware that I have zero sex drive, but he will constantly bring up sex to the point I become so annoyed and defeated that I just have sex so he will stop talking about it. Other times I am overcome with guilt and feel like a bad wife so I just have sex even though I don't want to (not by force, by my choice). My husband also knows I often experience pain and/or discomfort during sex. However, the past few times I feel like my husband has completely ignored me and was solely interested in satisfying himself. One of the past few times I had asked my husband to stop because it hurt (just once and calmly) he ignored me and proceeded to finish. The next time we had sex, I again felt like he was solely interested in satisfying himself and I actually began to cry. It freaked my husband out and he immediately stopped and asked if I was okay. I have heard of women crying during sex because of the deep connection or from pleasure or from ptsd but I did not cry for any of those reasons. So why did I cry? I know my husband ignored me when I asked him to stop once but it wasn't like I was screaming. He didn't force me. He just didn't stop when I asked. I wasn't raped so it wasn't ptsd nor a deep connection or pleasure. It was not a joyful cry. I was sad/upset and I don't know why.


Thanks all. I agree that the cause was probably more along the lines of not being able to satisfy his needs because I know how detrimental sex issues can be to a marriage. That combined with him not being cognizant of what I'm asking, which I believe shows how desperate he has become. I do not think him ignoring me, for lack of a better term, came from a malicious place. Prior to me crying I don't think he realized how much it was weighing on me and I don't think he will push the limits again. I cannot imagine how sexually frustrated he must be. 

This was not always the norm for us. The discomfort has always been there but when the sex drive was there I could move past the pain. It wasnt until this past year that I lost all drive. We have given it this much time to see if it would fix itself. The year prior to losing my sex drive my husband spent a year working in a different state so we would only see each other on the weekends which created more excitement and made for a great year sexwise. We thought maybe not having that buildup of not seeing each other all week caused the change in my sex drive and over time it would come back but clearly that has not happened. Time to seek a professional.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This is such a sad situation, that's why you cried. Because you know he loves you and you are unable to take care of one of his basic needs even though you want to.
He is not wanting to hurt you--/ he just was probably getting close and....
I wish I could help you. I'm sure you've seen a therapist that specializes in this, right?

I'm sure you know this based on your very thoughtful post, but no husband wants to be in a sexless marriage. So you may lose him over this, in spite of the fact that you both love one another. He may stay for that. I have a good friend who is a little older than me. He has a very beautiful wife. At least I always thought so. She is an extremely good person, and takes perfect care of him. He loves her dearly, and she him. We were talking about my divorce situation once and he told me that his wife was extremely LD and he is very HD, but he loves her so much he just deals with it. 
Breaks my heart to think about it. I've also learned that her family somehow made her feel unattractive as a child and she has a huge insecurity about her appearance and diets to the extent of being far too thin. 
This has no bearing on your situation, just thinking out loud.

But I do wonder--- are you in such good shape that your body mass is less than 5 or 6% fat? If so, I seriously think that could contribute to your pain in sex and low sex drive. Just something You may discuss with your doctor. 

I hope you find a solution. You sound like a very loving wife and a good person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

There are many reasons to cry during sex that involves pain and no emotional connection. *Talk to your husband about how you feel and explain that things are painful! *What you are experiencing is probably way more common than you think, and odds are you are perfectly normal. 

Have him work together with you on ways to share his sexual energy with you in more positive ways. Have him explain how desirable you are to him so that you learn to attribute his arousal to your beauty and attractiveness as a compliment. If he does not know how to give you sexual pleasure, try to tell him what works for you. If you do not know what works for you, ask him to give you some space during sex so that you can respond on your own terms (as in keeping his hands and penis to himself until you are ready to touch him and be touched).

I'd also recommend lots of lube. Try giving your husband a hand job with ample coconut oil. If he then really needs to penetrate you briefly for his orgasm, the coconut oil will not only help prevent pain but it is also a very healthy lubrication for the vagina.

If you are brave enough, buy yourself a small vibrator (or ask your husband to buy you one). Ask for some personal space to explore with it. Explain to your husband that he can not pester you with questions about it, or try to use it with you without you telling him it is OK. If something exciting happens, try to be brave enough to share that with him verbally and/or demonstrate for him so that you husband can learn about your sexual response in a positive context. This is very important for him so that he can learn how you respond when something feels good. If you get one DO NOT allow him to use it to force you to feel good and explain to him that if he attempts that it will likely make you cry again and have a negative attitude for sex with toys. He can only use it when you tell him it is OK. It is also OK that you might choose to only use it on your own, or never use it. The point about a vibrator is that it should be something you control to explore your sexuality on your terms, NOT his terms.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## MNnice (Mar 11, 2016)

Thanks all. I agree that the cause was probably more along the lines of not being able to satisfy his needs because I know how detrimental sex issues can be to a marriage. That combined with him not being cognizant of what I'm asking, which I believe shows how desperate he has become. I do not think him ignoring me, for lack of a better term, came from a malicious place. Prior to me crying I don't think he realized how much it was weighing on me and I don't think he will push the limits again. I cannot imagine how sexually frustrated he must be. 

This was not always the norm for us. The discomfort has always been there but when the sex drive was there I could move past the pain. It wasnt until this past year that I lost all drive. We have given it this much time to see if it would fix itself. The year prior to losing my sex drive my husband spent a year working in a different state so we would only see each other on the weekends which created more excitement and made for a great year sexwise. We thought maybe not having that buildup of not seeing each other all week caused the change in my sex drive and over time it would come back but clearly that has not happened. Time to seek a professional.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

There's a lot going on here...

First, your husband probably didn't stop when you asked him to because he's close, and to be blunt - he's not getting much in the way of sex to begin with. This doesn't make it okay, of course, but that's likely his motivation.

Second: if his sexual needs aren't being met, or being met nearly often enough (which it sounds like) then he's basically taking what he can get. As it appears as though there's little sexual emotional connection for him or for you, it's not hard to see why sex is the way it is between the two of you.

Is that your fault? No, of course not. But is the potential solution in your hands? Yes, absolutely. But again, it appears as though you simply acquiesce to his needs when you feel guilty or like a "bad wife". That is absolutely not conducive to a good sex life - for either of you.

So what's happened for HIM, is that he knows now that this is the way sex with his wife will be and that it's simply about him getting off on the relatively rare occasions he's allowed to. Basically, he has the physical need to get off. So when he gets the opportunity, he's taking it.

This is how sex with my ex wife was for around the last 7-8 years of our relationship. Physical need only, both of us. Sometimes when she wasn't in the mood and I was, and occasionally when *I* wasn't in the mood and she was. No emotional connection whatsoever. Yes, there were times when I f***ed her and I didn't want to, but she insisted. That doesn't happen often with men, but it gave me some great insight to how women can often feel about the subject. Including with how she treated me when I flat out said "no".

Right now, you hold all the cards. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, and especially not out of guilt. And your husband needs to understand this and respect it. That said, when you allow him to have sex with you and then decide halfway through that he has to stop, that's not fair to him OR you. It doesn't justify his not stopping, of course.

That said, you need to be speaking to your doctor, first of all, and possibly a sex therapist as well.

And as Bad Santa suggested, you need to learn how to please him in other ways, at least until you get this issue sorted out. He also needs to be on board with this, and you need to feel comfortable telling him this - without feeling like a bad wife, which you're not.

A bad wife denies her husband sex for no reason, or on purpose, to mess with him, or out of spite. Not because of physical or emotional issues which are preventing her from enjoying sex and sexual intimacy.

A good wife tries to get to the root of the problem through outside professional help.



MNnice said:


> First things first, I have never been sexually abused in any way and my husband has always respected and treated me very well. I am 24 in a happy loving relationship of 6 years with my now husband. I am very health conscious and a fitness fanatic. My husband, a junk food lover who hits the gym a few times a year, miraculously manages to remain physically fit and healthy too. Our relationship is very strong with little to no issues aside from my nonexistent sex drive. My husband is obviously aware that I have zero sex drive, but he will constantly bring up sex to the point I become so annoyed and defeated that I just have sex so he will stop talking about it. Other times I am overcome with guilt and feel like a bad wife so I just have sex even though I don't want to (not by force, by my choice). My husband also knows I often experience pain and/or discomfort during sex. However, the past few times I feel like my husband has completely ignored me and was solely interested in satisfying himself. One of the past few times I had asked my husband to stop because it hurt (just once and calmly) he ignored me and proceeded to finish. The next time we had sex, I again felt like he was solely interested in satisfying himself and I actually began to cry. It freaked my husband out and he immediately stopped and asked if I was okay. I have heard of women crying during sex because of the deep connection or from pleasure or from ptsd but I did not cry for any of those reasons. So why did I cry? I know my husband ignored me when I asked him to stop once but it wasn't like I was screaming. He didn't force me. He just didn't stop when I asked. I wasn't raped so it wasn't ptsd nor a deep connection or pleasure. It was not a joyful cry. I was sad/upset and I don't know why.
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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I am going to get at this from a different angle. 
Would things be different if your husband rubbed your back for a half hour, then started caressing your neck, arms, legs, inside your thighs, etc. ??
I think you feel a complete emotional disconnect during sex.

I ran into a similar situation. Not until I started taking my time and slowly, slowly started connecting back with my wife during sex. It's not something I knew how to do. It took me many, many years to learn.

Instead, your husband pressures you for sex, brings you down because he is not getting what he wants, how he wants. All this does is make things worse for both of you. He needs to start from scratch. Your emotions and feelings should come first IMO. He is inserting himself INTO you, not the other way around. Therefore, YOU must be ready before he inserts himself. If you are not ready, IMO, it's on him. He has to take the time to GET you ready, mentally AND physically. At this stage it might take an entire week of him listening to you, touching you and then before the actual act TONS of foreplay, then and ONLY then should he insert.

If the woman gets what she needs and wants FIRST, the man will ALWAYs get what he needs and wants, not the other way around. This is MY OPINION.

As a man, instead of looking at this as having to jump through many, many hoops, I look at it as a mating game. Even after 25 years of marriage, the game continues. A woman needs to be figured out, needs to be cherished and chased. I believe women are much more complex than men, yet so much worth the effort. If it is done correctly, I always get my cave man pounding in, sooner or later and all is well.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Several things here. 

You said: One of the past few times I had asked my husband to stop because it hurt (just once and calmly) he ignored me and proceeded to finish. That is bad, no matter how it is said a partner should always honor a request to stop. Always.

You are having sex out of guilt / pressure, and you don't want it, don't enjoy it, its often painful. That is an awful thing to happen. No one should ever feel pressured to have sex. 

But... You are also constantly rejecting him for sex, and that is a miserable thing for him. He had a reasonable expectation of a happy sex life in marriage, and no one should be denied that. 



How did you get here? Did you ever have a happy sex life with him? Were you intimate before getting married? Have you always had little interest in sex? Do you ever enjoy it, or is it always a chore? Are you sexually attracted to anyone, even in fantasy? Do you masturbate?


Are there sexual things that you do enjoy? If intercourse is uncomfortable, do you enjoy receiving oral, or any other sexual attention? Are there sexual things (like oral) you don't mind doing to please him? 


The reason I ask all this is that I see the root cause is that you do not enjoy sex (which is OK), but it is very important to him (which is normal). This is a HUGE problem in a marriage. Can you imagine any situation in which you would enjoy an active sex life with your husband? It is unlikely that he will ever be happy without an active sex life.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

richardsharpe said:


> The reason I ask all this is that I see the root cause is that you do not enjoy sex (which is OK)


I like all of your post (as usual, Richard!) but I actually take a bit of issue with this last bit.

I honestly don't feel that it's "ok" to not enjoy sex whilst married.

It's okay that somebody feels that way, certainly, as in they shouldn't feel bad or guilty about it. But it's not okay to actually continue to be like that, unless your partner is also averse to sex.

Even though the person in question should not feel bad or guilty about the position they're in, they also should not unreasonably expect their partner to suffer - yes, suffer - the consequences. In contrast, the partner should provide reasonable patience and understanding while the other seeks a solution (preferably through professional means).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MNnice said:


> First things first, I have never been sexually abused in any way and my husband has always respected and treated me very well. I am 24 in a happy loving relationship of 6 years with my now husband. I am very health conscious and a fitness fanatic. My husband, a junk food lover who hits the gym a few times a year, miraculously manages to remain physically fit and healthy too. Our relationship is very strong with little to no issues aside from my nonexistent sex drive. My husband is obviously aware that I have zero sex drive, but he will constantly bring up sex to the point I become so annoyed and defeated that I just have sex so he will stop talking about it. Other times I am overcome with guilt and feel like a bad wife so I just have sex even though I don't want to (not by force, by my choice). My husband also knows I often experience pain and/or discomfort during sex. However, the past few times I feel like my husband has completely ignored me and was solely interested in satisfying himself. One of the past few times I had asked my husband to stop because it hurt (just once and calmly) he ignored me and proceeded to finish. The next time we had sex, I again felt like he was solely interested in satisfying himself and I actually began to cry. It freaked my husband out and he immediately stopped and asked if I was okay. I have heard of women crying during sex because of the deep connection or from pleasure or from ptsd but I did not cry for any of those reasons. So why did I cry? I know my husband ignored me when I asked him to stop once but it wasn't like I was screaming. He didn't force me. He just didn't stop when I asked. I wasn't raped so it wasn't ptsd nor a deep connection or pleasure. It was not a joyful cry. I was sad/upset and I don't know why.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
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As a HD male I probably should stay out of this.

Let me offer a couple of tarnished pennies.

1) Could it be Endometriosis. Look it up. Intercourse is painful.

2) Using lube can be helpful.

3) Talk to an Internal Medicine specialist, or Urologist and see if you can you get HRT, [hormone replacement therapy] or something like that to [get] your sexual fire stoked. A real efficacious [fix]would be the Holy Grail for drug companies, with respect to women's sexual response..

4) Giving Testosterone to women does help; has to be low dose and does have some side effects. Talk to your doctor, PCP first.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

See a doctor. and a therapist . Rule out 100% anything physical. Then work on the mental/ emotional side. 
IMO , you should both see the therapist. 
good luck !


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening alexm
I should have worded it better. I think its OK to not enjoy sex BUT an active sex life is an expected part of marriage. Someone who knows that they don't enjoy sex should let prospective partners know so that they can marry someone with a similar level of interest.






alexm said:


> I like all of your post (as usual, Richard!) but I actually take a bit of issue with this last bit.
> 
> I honestly don't feel that it's "ok" to not enjoy sex whilst married.
> 
> ...


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening alexm
> I should have worded it better. I think its OK to not enjoy sex BUT an active sex life is an expected part of marriage. Someone who knows that they don't enjoy sex should let prospective partners know so that they can marry someone with a similar level of interest.


As a female who went through it, I will just say that it isn't necessarily true that the OP doesn't enjoy sex when it doesn't hurt, but she doesn't relish it when it does. My sex life with h went to hell when I started NEEDING lube and he hated the fact that I needed the help. He wanted all natural, all the time. I loved having sex with him when I was comfortable, but he didn't want me to use or do anything that made me so. So in the end, I didn't want to linger over sex but wanted to satisfy him, and he wanted the long sessions where he did all the pleasing and in reality, it wasn't, it hurt like hell. 

For years I had endometriosis and fibroid tumors and finally found a doctor who took me seriously when I said, when I make love to my husband, he's bumping into something inside me that shouldn't be there. Tons of tumors, including one growing from an ovary and trying to attach to my uterus . . . all that came out and I went on HRT and things were fine except that I was slow to lubricate on my own. My h would show impatience and then when he developed ED, he said he wouldn't have it if he loved me. 

My h has a very weird attitude about using things to aid the body as we age. He's a Peter Pan and thinks he's going to be 25 forever, although he is now on his statins and his blood pressure medications and a host of supplements now that he's had a heart attack. He's finally starting to act his age, but I had those tumors and endometriosos and a host of issues when I was in high school because I was estrogen dominant for YEARS, and a little bit of progesterone prescribed by a doctor might have balanced all that. 

25 years old is not too young to have all kinds of things going on in your body that you have no clue about, and pretending, like my h, that they don't exist and they can be overcome naturally or with the right attitude is bunk. At least twice in your posts you ended with "Time for a professional." Yes, it is, a good empathetic OB/GYN who can get to the bottom of why you have physical pain when you have sex. 

But now that your h powered on through when you told him to stop, you or he may need a professional to address that too.

One thing at a time, though.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

It's not abnormal for women to experience pain during intercourse. It means that something is not right. I would highly recommend that you seek out a Gyn who is specialized in these areas. 

When I was in my 20, I had lots of issue with painful sex. Took me a while to find a doc who understood my needs. I had cystic ovaries. I had cysts in my womb. My cervical was tilted and hurt like he'll when bumped into. My womb was twisted. Who knew. It all leads to painful sex. So please find a doc. You might need to try a few. 

Now, the crying issue is nothing bad. Your brain is expecting pain, so crying would be a natural response. You are also sad because you know what you are missing out on. 

Sex between loving partners should be wonderful and create bonds and connections. You are not getting that.

If you have a LD, then, your biggest asset to help with this is your brain.

Start reading some romantic books, look at soft romantic porn. Take care of yourself by de-stressing. Take baths. Get some sex outfits. Decorate your room in a sexy way. Learn about your body, touch yourself.

Talk to your H about how you feel. Let him in. This is not about you alone.


I wish you luck. Let us know how you are doing? If u are in NYC, I have a bunch of Doc's to recommend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is tough. I'm way older and would go crazy in a sexless marriage, I can't imagine a guy in his twenties lasting to long before he's out on the prowl or just disengages from the marriage.

Have you considered IC to probe to see if there's something hidden emotional damage in your past that causing this. Speaking of past, has their been infidelity on either side? Also have you been to a doctor to check the plumbing? Needing lube at 25 doesn't sound normal.

If there are no physical or emotional issues, then it could be that you're not sexually compatible. I've read of many women reporting that they thought they're weren't sexual or were low drive when they were with their ex but when they started a new relationship, they found themselves having a normal drive. And not just the new relationship sex but it continued after the honeymoon period was over.


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