# Wanting to hear the all mighty answer....



## needanswers7

Its been over 10 years since the hubby & I have had any intimacy, yes in case your wondering.. this includes the occasional peck on the cheek or even holding hands or one of my all time favorites just a hug.. Son was born almost 12 years ago.. 6 or 8 months after he was born we had sex for the last time. 10 years later he goes & has a heart attack, etc. ok Go>.... What is wrong here.. Im a good looking hard working professional woman, I could literally walk around my house naked & not even get a glimpse or comment. What am I doing wrong? I have tried to bring this up & I get nothing no response as if its almost a joke. Our son is autistic but notices everything, always asking mom & dad to hug & love each other.. Even at the request of our son to hug each other, hubby just laughs & pushes it off. I don't know how much longer I can go.. my entire 30-40's has been sexless, touchless. Its really starting to take a toll on me. Any suggestions, or has anyone else been in this predicament? Thanks for your time..


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## cheapie

Wow, sorry for your situation. Could his health have something to do with it? I mean, could he be paranoid after having had a heart attack and afraid that sex would set off another? Or maybe could the heart disease that caused the heart attack have resulted in erectile dysfunction and he's ashamed of it and thus avoids contact? (I've heard that sometimes the two are linked). In any case, you need to tell him that this is a big deal and needs to be fixed - you can't go on like this. Tell him you will support him in finding answers to the problem, but physical intimacy is vital in a marriage, and he needs to show that's he's willing to work with you to solve the problem.


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## Mr.Married

AAAggghhhhhh ....... what a terrible situation !


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## Married but Happy

I would say that there is nothing wrong with you, but there is something seriously wrong with him. I suggest you insist he get a full medical workup, including testosterone levels and depression screening, and go jointly to counseling to discuss the issue in a professional environment. If he won't, or if nothing changes within a year, file for divorce and get your life back on track to be happy.


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## uhtred

Has he always been like this, or did it change at some point? (I think you are saying that the sex stopped before the heart attack - was he every very interested in sex, of did he just do it to get a child) Was there any event, medical issue associated with that change. 

If he has always had a very low interest in sex, he could be gay or asexual. (check asexuality.org). 


This is not a good or normal situation.


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## notmyjamie

There is nothing wrong with you. It's him. And nothing will change if you don't do something about it. Do you want to leave the marriage? Ten years with no affection or intimacy is a very long time. You must be starved for it by now. I was starved after just a couple years of no sex but continued affection until that went away too. Then after a year of nothing at all, I left. 

Have you talked to him about the issue? Have you let him know it's not something you can live with any longer? How is your relationship otherwise? Do you spend time together, engaged and enjoying each other's company?


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## Robert22205

Physical intimacy and each person's love language are very subjective and varies between couples & individuals.
I don't care what you do or don't do (some couples never have intercourse) but what motivates me to respond is that one of you is unhappy.

Why did you wait 10 years? What has changed?

Is there any romance in your relationship? For example: date night, romantic weekend escapes, valentine's day, or birthday gifts? 
Does he like massages? Have you offered him a massage? Maybe start with a couples massage and then practice at home. 

Maybe you should consider IC ... and at the right time (you'll know when) you can invite him to join you (spin not for himself but to help you).
He may be reluctant to join you in counseling so frame it as you need him there for you (that the focus is on you).
And gradually bring him into it.


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## needanswers7

thank you for your responses, I thought that too.. but this started way prior to his HA.. It was right after our son was born.. I dont know whats inside a mans head but i did have a C section.. he saw pretty much nothing. he was on the head side, I thought it could of been due to that. but almost 12 years later & there isnt even a sign I had a c section. Im back to the way I was. Nothing has changed except in the last 3 years his health has declined. We are not old by no means. We should be in our prime at least thats What Im thinking. He would never got to counseling, he had a HA because of his issue with doctors. We have discussed & like I said he ignores it. Its getting to the point where Im disgusted around him. Thats not good especially when my child is very observant. He has major depression since his health issues, but this did start years before. People have said to me oh he must be cheating. I dont agree at all, he is not that type of guy & never was. Im the bread winner in the family, I support & do everything, at one point I thought it was for that reason. bottom line No woman should have to beg for sex. I feel silly as good looking of a woman I am.. not trying to toot my own horn but really.. I just don't get it.Im surrounded by men all day long for my job, its hard to look the other way at this point. I was curious if anyone else has had this issue, from a mans point of view more so.. 
ps I would give anything for a massage at this point.. is that sad or what. I will not beg!


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## personofinterest

1. Is he gay?
2. Is he cheating?
3. Is he alive? 

Those are the only 3 questions I have

Because if he has health issues, those are easily worked on if he cares about his wife.

You are a saint to still be with him, quite frankly


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## WorkingWife

needanswers7 said:


> Its been over 10 years since the hubby & I have had any intimacy, yes in case your wondering.. this includes the occasional peck on the cheek or even holding hands or one of my all time favorites just a hug.. Son was born almost 12 years ago.. 6 or 8 months after he was born we had sex for the last time. 10 years later he goes & has a heart attack, etc. ok Go>.... What is wrong here.. Im a good looking hard working professional woman, I could literally walk around my house naked & not even get a glimpse or comment. What am I doing wrong? I have tried to bring this up & I get nothing no response as if its almost a joke. Our son is autistic but notices everything, always asking mom & dad to hug & love each other.. Even at the request of our son to hug each other, hubby just laughs & pushes it off. I don't know how much longer I can go.. my entire 30-40's has been sexless, touchless. Its really starting to take a toll on me. Any suggestions, or has anyone else been in this predicament? Thanks for your time..


The fact that you have tried to talk to him and he blows you off makes this exceptionally difficult. There could be all kinds of things wrong with him but does it really matter what his problem is at this point? Ten years is long enough. How can you get to the bottom of it if he won't even take you seriously?

I've been in that situation--not the 100% withholding of sex and affection, but being with a person I could not communicate with because anytime I raised any concern he'd deflect and joke it off. The idea that he get a complete check up is spot on. But how does one "have your husband get checked for xyz" when said husband won't even have a conversation with you?

This is my recommendation:

1. Get your ducks in order. Talk to a divorce lawyer. Find out how you'll be able to take care of yourself and your son should you divorce and be prepared to GO.

2. Don't ask your husband what is wrong, tell him point blank:
I am deeply unhappy and unfulfilled in this marriage. It is no longer tolerable to me as is. We need to go to a Dr., together, and have you checked for health, testosterone, depression, etc. and we need to start marriage counseling together, within 15 days, or I am leaving you. (Or kicking him out of the house.)

If he won't listen to you, write it in a note.

If he doesn't respond, start divorce proceedings on schedule as promised.

There is a world of love and affection out there for a loving, hard working woman who takes care of herself. And even if there isn't, your heart will lift within a few months being out of the environment where someone is right there, withholding love an affection from you.

I'd also read the book "His needs her needs" by Dr. Harley -- this will show you that you are not the problem, you are a normal woman with normal needs and desires.

He may snap to when he realizes you are serious, but the fact that he's had 10 years to be intimate with you and hasn't, indicates that whatever the reason, he simply doesn't want to. Intimacy is not just "sex" -- it's the hug you're starved for, it's being able to tell each other what you're thinking and feeling, desiring and fearing. It's listening and not deflecting when your spouse raises a concern.

I recently divorced from a 20 year relationship with someone who could not/would not be truly intimate with me, and now I'm with a man who is loving and affectionate and willing to talk to me if I'm concerned about something. It's SO different. I'm so happy and joyful and no longer questioning myself constantly. Trust me, it's not you, it's him.

Good luck.


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## uhtred

If it started right after you had a child, that might be a strong hint.

Some men have really psychological hangups about the mother / lover conflict: basically they have difficult seeing someone as both the mother to their child and as a sexy woman that they desire for passionate lovemaking 

Its their problem - but it is not that uncommon a problem. Do you think this fits the pattern you are seeing?




needanswers7 said:


> thank you for your responses, I thought that too.. but this started way prior to his HA.. It was right after our son was born.. I dont know whats inside a mans head but i did have a C section.. he saw pretty much nothing. he was on the head side, I thought it could of been due to that. but almost 12 years later & there isnt even a sign I had a c section. Im back to the way I was. Nothing has changed except in the last 3 years his health has declined. We are not old by no means. We should be in our prime at least thats What Im thinking. He would never got to counseling, he had a HA because of his issue with doctors. We have discussed & like I said he ignores it. Its getting to the point where Im disgusted around him. Thats not good especially when my child is very observant. He has major depression since his health issues, but this did start years before. People have said to me oh he must be cheating. I dont agree at all, he is not that type of guy & never was. Im the bread winner in the family, I support & do everything, at one point I thought it was for that reason. bottom line No woman should have to beg for sex. I feel silly as good looking of a woman I am.. not trying to toot my own horn but really.. I just don't get it.Im surrounded by men all day long for my job, its hard to look the other way at this point. I was curious if anyone else has had this issue, from a mans point of view more so..
> ps I would give anything for a massage at this point.. is that sad or what. I will not beg!


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## SunWhiskey

Time to clear the air. You get sex from him, or you get sex from someone else after you leave him. Either he will make the effort or he won't. 10 years is ridiculous.


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## 3Xnocharm

needanswers7 said:


> thank you for your responses, I thought that too.. but this started way prior to his HA.. It was right after our son was born.. I dont know whats inside a mans head but i did have a C section.. he saw pretty much nothing. he was on the head side, I thought it could of been due to that. but almost 12 years later & there isnt even a sign I had a c section. Im back to the way I was. Nothing has changed except in the last 3 years his health has declined. We are not old by no means. We should be in our prime at least thats What Im thinking. He would never got to counseling, he had a HA because of his issue with doctors. We have discussed & like I said he ignores it. Its getting to the point where Im disgusted around him. Thats not good especially when my child is very observant. He has major depression since his health issues, but this did start years before. People have said to me oh he must be cheating. I dont agree at all, he is not that type of guy & never was. Im the bread winner in the family, I support & do everything, at one point I thought it was for that reason. bottom line No woman should have to beg for sex. I feel silly as good looking of a woman I am.. not trying to toot my own horn but really.. I just don't get it.Im surrounded by men all day long for my job, its hard to look the other way at this point. I was curious if anyone else has had this issue, from a mans point of view more so..
> ps I would give anything for a massage at this point.. is that sad or what. I will not beg!


Oh honey... you need to get out of this sham of a marriage. This man is no partner for you. TEN YEARS?? AND you are the breadwinner on top of that?? Oh hell no. I am currently in the same kind of sexless relationship as you have been (not married) and I am getting ready to end it. I am starving for real intimacy, I cant stand this any more. But at least I am not supporting him in my home on top of it too. 

Girl, dont waste any more years here, go find yourself a life!


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## Adelais

Have the two of you had marriage counseling to talk about the sexlessness of the marriage? If you have, and nothing changed, then you have no more obligation to be married to him. What he is doing is not nomal, especially for a man. Don't try to find out what is going on with him, just keep your head clear (from the nasty reasons he doesn't want to have sex with you...because he's getting it somewhere) and divorce him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Wow, sorry you're here, but welcome.

At this stage there appears to be no more "bringing it up" to him but simply straight forward telling him, compassionately perhaps, that you have decided to make some changes in your life.

How it goes from there is how you yourself want to proceed. 

At least get H a full physical and blood work exam, you'll look back on this and know you did maybe one last thing for him, and yourself, to eliminate or identify any true physical limitations. 

And see a lawyer. Start getting ducks in a row. Sounds like there's a concern on son's future living arrangements and planning needed there. 

It's hard for me to see a ten year gap in any physical relations barring medical conditions but it's not super uncommon if other areas if interests are mutually enriching. 

That doesn't seem near the case here.

You can do it!

Good luck!


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## Mr.Married

Does he still own a penis ?

10 years....I can't fathom no sex for 10 freaking years. Not 10 days...Not 10 months....10 ****ing years.


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## 3Xnocharm

Mr.Married said:


> Does he still own a penis ?
> 
> 10 years....I can't fathom no sex for 10 freaking years. Not 10 days...Not 10 months....10 f-ing years.


Its fairly easy when you have ZERO desire for your partner....


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## Casual Observer

SunWhiskey said:


> Time to clear the air. You get sex from him, or you get sex from someone else after you leave him. Either he will make the effort or he won't. 10 years is ridiculous.


10 years? Several weeks is ridiculous for many/most. I don't get how such things can go on for so long before someone finally can't go on any longer. I realize that sounds harsh, because you read so many stories here where that's the case, so it must be relatively common. But the demise of someone's self-worth is a pretty big deal. When married, you have an obligation to not allow that to happen to your spouse. I think?


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## Marc878

The big question is why are you accepting such a ****ty life.

You are your biggest problem.

I can tell you this. It comes up here quite often. Lots of excuses but the reality is there are none.

You want more out of life then divorce his ass and find it.

You can read all the books, kiss his ass, etc, etc, etc. there'll be zero long term change. None!!!!

His is who he is and will always be.

Wake up!!!!!!

There is a guy who posted yesterday (look thru the posts) and in this same situation for 20 years now. Looking for help? Hell He's 65. There is no help. He's done!!!!

That's where you'll end up to unless you get the backbone to make a decision.


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## SunWhiskey

I'm personally at about 7 months now since the start of "she's unhappy". Currently divorcing.

But it isn't for lack of trying. Lack of confidence after being cheated on perhaps. If I make it to 10 years, just shoot me dead.


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## WorkingWife

Marc878 said:


> The big question is why are you accepting such a ****ty life.
> 
> You are your biggest problem.
> 
> I can tell you this. It comes up here quite often. Lots of excuses but the reality is there are none.
> 
> You want more out of life then divorce his ass and find it.
> 
> You can read all the books, kiss his ass, etc, etc, etc. there'll be zero long term change. None!!!!
> 
> His is who he is and will always be.
> 
> Wake up!!!!!!
> 
> There is a guy who posted yesterday (look thru the posts) and in this same situation for 20 years now. Looking for help? Hell He's 65. There is no help. He's done!!!!
> 
> That's where you'll end up to unless you get the backbone to make a decision.


I agree except that even at 65 a person can WTFU and enjoy what is left of their life. 

I had a 20 year *UN*fulfilling relationship and had nothing but excuses for why I "couldn't" leave him. I was definitely my biggest problem. Bottom line was I was just being weak and lacking courage. 

People would say "just leave" and I'd be like "but... how?" and then I learned how. You just do it. You say the unthinkable: "I'm leaving you." and you endure the discomfort of their unhappiness and you. just. leave. And don't look back.


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## StillSearching

SunWhiskey said:


> I'm personally at about 7 months now since the start of "she's unhappy". Currently divorcing.
> 
> But it isn't for lack of trying. Lack of confidence after being cheated on perhaps. If I make it to 10 years, *just shoot me dead*.


Maybe a little Youth In Asia would work for you?


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## Yeswecan

Your H watch porn?


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## MattMatt

*Moderator message:- *
@needanswers7 Your avatar was deleted by the moderation team as it was judged to be inappropriate due to the fact that it used a banned word.


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## MattMatt

needanswers7 said:


> thank you for your responses, I thought that too.. but this started way prior to his HA.. It was right after our son was born.. I dont know whats inside a mans head but i did have a C section.. he saw pretty much nothing. he was on the head side, I thought it could of been due to that. but almost 12 years later & there isnt even a sign I had a c section. Im back to the way I was. Nothing has changed except in the last 3 years his health has declined. We are not old by no means. We should be in our prime at least thats What Im thinking. He would never got to counseling, he had a HA because of his issue with doctors. We have discussed & like I said he ignores it. Its getting to the point where Im disgusted around him. Thats not good especially when my child is very observant. He has major depression since his health issues, but this did start years before. People have said to me oh he must be cheating. I dont agree at all, he is not that type of guy & never was. Im the bread winner in the family, I support & do everything, at one point I thought it was for that reason. bottom line No woman should have to beg for sex. I feel silly as good looking of a woman I am.. not trying to toot my own horn but really.. I just don't get it.Im surrounded by men all day long for my job, its hard to look the other way at this point. I was curious if anyone else has had this issue, from a mans point of view more so..
> ps I would give anything for a massage at this point.. is that sad or what. I will not beg!


And what does his doctor say?


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## Robert22205

Have you been to IC? 
What does your husband contribute to your marriage?

Have you offered to give him a massage?
Do you guys do date night or anything as a couple?

When did you last discuss this issue with your husband?
Why (after 10 years) has this become important to you? 

Has he been diagnosed as depressed? Is your husband handicapped or over weight and out of shape and/or sickly? 
Does he have a life outside the home? Does he work at all? Friends, gym or hobbies?

I suggest you divorce (or file for legal separation) rather than turn to adultery (for both your sakes).

The finality/shock of being served with divorce papers may motivate him to seek help for his intimacy issues. Inform him in advance that if he doesn't seek help then you will file. IMO if he's been a good husband & father in every other way, there's no reason to be mean, insulting or nasty.


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## SongoftheSouth

I suspect he may be gay or totally asexual which seems less likely. Either way it seems like you got a bad deal and can do so much better based on what you have written


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