# How can I fix my sexless marriage?



## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

OK so here's a quick summary: Together 15 years. Married 2 years. Became parents 8 months ago. No sex since our baby was conceived. That's right. Not since baby was born, but since baby was CONCEIVED.

You get the picture? I am at my wits end. I have no idea what I can do to help this situation. I have tried everything I can think of to make it right, but it's no good. Romance, massage, relaxation, spending time together, spending time apart, giving her 'me time', giving her 'us time'. Tried early nights, late nights. Tried wearing new aftershave, showering before bed. Tried different looks, different haircuts, different everything. Tried ignoring the issue and waiting to see if she comes around. Tried talking about it (bad idea) and shouting about it (worse idea). 

The end result is always the same: She lays next to me snoring and I stare at the ceiling with a hard-on, despairing of my sex-free marriage.

My wife has given a variety of reasons for the lack of interest: Sometimes she feels too tired, other times too fat, occasionally too stressed, too unwell, or too whatever. I have done all in my power to reassure her. I tell her that I find her sexy and attractive (which I do), that I want her, and that she isn't fat or ugly. I tell her that I'll be gentle and she can trust me to stop if it hurts. (Remember - nothing since conception, and baby has arrived since then). Nothing works. And I mean NOTHING. She just comes to bed and sleeps. She doesn't even kiss me goodnight any more.

Frankly, after 18 months, I'm getting rather tired of this. She might have her reasons but damn it why can't she make an effort? She seems to just "accept" the situation and not give a damn about it. She seems genuinely surprised when I bring up the problem. I feel like I'm the only one in this marriage who cares about this part of our relationship AT ALL. 

Sometimes in the darkest moments, I get to thinking, and the possibilities scare me. Perhaps she just used me to get pregnant, now I've served my purpose and she doesn't want me in that way any more. Perhaps she finds me repulsive, although she's very nice to me in every other way. Perhaps she's planning to leave me (and if she did, at least I'd be free to have sex elsewhere).

We generally avoid talking about this, because it "makes it into an issue", and makes her "feel more tense". So what, I'm supposed to just pretend everything's fine. IT IS NOT FINE.

Last night in bed, I snapped, and told her that I was really pissed off and I am tired of being pushed away. She just rolled over and snored. Well, thanks darling. Glad you care.

It's got to the stage I can't even hold her in bed, because she feels that I want more. (Which I do), so the closeness is disappearing fast.

There have been a few rare moments of intimacy, but no actual sex in 18 months. I don't think I can live this way for much longer. It's not just a physical urge either. I feel very sad, yes really SAD, so sad I could cry. This marriage has so much going for it. I love her to pieces and I love our boy, our home, our family. But that bedroom, those dark cold nights, they depress the hell out of me.

I love our son more than life itself, but I never imagined parenthood would have this devastating affect on our sex life, or for so long.

Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps I'm unreasonable to want sex after just 8 short months after she gave birth. Maybe I'm being selfish.

I don't know. Oh, God. I just don't know any more. Please give me some advice. I don't ever want to leave her or cheat on her but I can't go on like this.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I was going to say maybe she was suffering from post partum depression, BUT since you said no sex since conception, then that shoots that! 

I would imagine she still might be suffering from some kind of depression though. Having a new baby is probably very tiring. How often do you help her with the baby? Do you remember if anything changed after conception for her? Difficult pregnancy? Difficult birth? Did you do or not do some things that may have caused her some resentment?

Maybe she needs to be checked out by her medical doctor to rule anything out medically. You could suggest MC to her. Tell her how you feel, that you're at your wits end. You want the marriage to work and you love her and your son, but you think you both need some marriage help.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

That's horrible.

I'm a woman, and I say that it is unacceptable behavior.

It is unacceptable to just deny your partner sex.
She should work on her issues, get medical help, see a therapist, whatever it is to find the problem and find some compromise.

No, you are not being selfish. 

You do deserve to know WHY this happening. 
8 months is a long time, when medically it's 6-8 weeks after birth before sex is recommended.

I would tell her this. And say that she needs to work on the problem. 
Find a counsellor.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

How are things outside of the bedroom?


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## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

Outside the bedroom things are fine, apart from the fact my balls are like watermelons, which can sometimes make me a bit grumpy.


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## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

deejov said:


> That's horrible.
> 
> I'm a woman, and I say that it is unacceptable behavior.
> 
> ...


Yeah that makes sense. The problem is that taking any action will confirm that it's a problem and make it "an issue" which apparently is not allowed. I want to address it though. How can I get her to acknowledge my sadness about it, at least? If she could just accept that it is a problem then we might get somewhere.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

mousecat said:


> OK so here's a quick summary: Together 15 years. Married 2 years. Became parents 8 months ago. No sex since our baby was conceived. That's right. Not since baby was born, but since baby was CONCEIVED.
> 
> You get the picture? I am at my wits end. I have no idea what I can do to help this situation. I have tried everything I can think of to make it right, but it's no good. Romance, massage, relaxation, spending time together, spending time apart, giving her 'me time', giving her 'us time'. Tried early nights, late nights. Tried wearing new aftershave, showering before bed. Tried different looks, different haircuts, different everything. Tried ignoring the issue and waiting to see if she comes around. Tried talking about it (bad idea) and shouting about it (worse idea).
> 
> ...


DON'T CHEAT...if you must divorce her.

Lots of non-sexual touch...pay attention to her without sex being the goal. Get her to see you appreciate her for m more than just sex. Initially only try for sex once per week... rest all non-sexual touching. Get her to realize the difference in touch. Have one that indicates you want sex. Mine is rubbing my wife's belly.

Date once per week at least an hour..just the two of you

Talk once a week about family and about sex (even if you aren't having it right now...still talk about it)

Become a better man

Be very patient...upbeat and happy always around her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Similar post... Read this
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/32580-no-sex-during-after-pregnancy-18-months-total.html

You are not being selfish. Your emotional pain is real. Your wife is being cruel and selfish.


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## justme25 (Nov 27, 2011)

Oh my God. I felt like crying for you, reading that! Of course you aren't being selfish! You're normal, and sound like a good husband who wants to be close to his wife.

I don't have kids, but I was pregnant once (lost the babe) and even when I felt like CRAP, I still tried to hook my H up, because he has needs and he's promised to be with only me forever, so damn!

Can you have a nice glass of wine with her, kids sleeping, and create a moment where you can be completely honest with her (tense or not)? I think she needs to sincerely see/hear the anguish you are in. Your pain is very real. Women don't like seeing people they love in pain. Show her yours. Open an honest dialogue about this. And seek first to understand her. Something is seriously going on here.

Try to stay focused on a really positive resolve for you both. I think there is definitely hope here  Don't give up. I am thinking of you.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I think you need to see this post:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...-up-she-still-not-sexual-long.html#post493007

Skip #1,2, and 3. Go directly to #4.

Thats just my thought??


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think you should try and eliminate any physical infirmities that may be plaguing her first.

Is she breastfeeding? Breastfeeding depresses libido in women (sometimes as long as two years).

Breastfeeding and sex â€“ All about breast milk leaking during sex, low libido etc

Next, has she been back to the doctor and been evaluated for the following: post-partum depression (PPD) and post-partum thyroiditis. I say the last one because it is more common that you would think and can manifest itself with extreme fatigue.

Postpartum depression - MayoClinic.com

Thyroid Problems After Pregnancy, A Look at Postpartum Thyroiditis

What kind of birth control are you using (well, er, besides abstinence)? I know that for me after the birth of both of my kids I was really scared of becoming pregnant again. It can definitely dampen your desire, especially in the fog of fatigue.

Next, after trying to eliminate all of the physical possibilities, you'll need to look at what else is going on. Physical intimacy is a normal and natural part of marriage - an integral part of it. But, your wife is not in the frame of mind where she can see this right now. You will need to try and discuss this with her, but you have to do it in such a way that won't cause her to shut down. Focusing on you and what you want will not work in the discussion. You have to try and get her to focus on what can be done for the betterment of your marriage that you have brought your child into. And, to be honest, your sadness about the situation pulls on the heart-strings - I think you need to express that to her - but not with shouting.

There was another man in exactly this same position - 18 months with no sex (Hicks linked the thread above). He began to discuss and approach his wife with this - letting her know that he missed connecting with her so much. He started out slowly with non-sexual affection, conversation. If you haven't read his thread, do so as it may provide some insight.

Best wishes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The fact is, something is bothering her and it's killing your marriage.

This is a HUGE deal. You are NOT being selfish.

Breastfeeding doesn't cause a total loss of libido. Besides, she wasn't breastfeeding when the baby was conceived.

I just don't understand it...i guess because my husband and i were like rabbits throughout my pregnancy and got back at it 2 weeks after our daughter was born.


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

the fact that you are being hurt by her actions and she will not allow a disscussion of the issue is cruel on her part. There is definetly somthing effecting her and how she feels towards you. 

I would start with one simple questions towards her. ask in a calm simple manor with good timing. "help me understand why you have shut down emotionly and physicly on our marriage" then listen to every word she says without interuption. Proccess her information without judgement. then ask her if she cares to hear how you are feeling. Remain calm and not pushy for answers or rebutles. I am in a similar situ of serious sex issues within a marrige. I later found out through consuling my wife had some skelitons in the closet that have created serious problems for her and intimacy. I am not saying this is your wifes issue but somthing is wrong and until she takes responsibility for her emotions and decides to work on them your frustration and persistant badgering for sex is fueling her negative emotion about sex.
It is a tough place to be because the longer a man goes without intimacy the louder the voices in his head becomes making things worse when it is not his fault in the first place. I refer it to the banging your head into the wall feeling.

Just remember that it cannot move forward until the problem is identified and worked on. best of luck. BTW I love my wife very much and have stood by her and her issues. At times i was so prepared to tell her to kick rocks but could not because I knew there was an underkying issue. I would have felt horrible had I left while she was still broken. She recently has thanked me for staying by her while we work out this problem together. The intimacy is returning and I feel good that I chose to honor my vows. I hope my progress continues and yours begins.


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## sandalsinthesnow (Nov 25, 2011)

I don't have advice, but I don't think you're being selfish. As you saw in my post, I completely understand the sadness that comes with feeling rejected by someone you love. It's normal to want to share that closeness, and being married your spouse is the only person who can give that intimacy to you. 

How were things before your wife got pregnant?


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

This sound dramatic enough that I'd say that you must either do joint counseling or you're leaving.

This isn't a marriage. Ask her if she believes in monogamy. Because SHE is the one not leading a monogamous life -- she is NOT having sex with one (mono) person. And therefore you aren't either.

I don't think she's going to change until you threaten to make a change.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Get a copy of "The married man Sex Primer" and read it. It may or may not help, but it can't get worse. I really feel for you.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

mousecat said:


> You get the picture? I am at my wits end. I have no idea what I can do to help this situation.


I feel for you, man. I went though a 14 month drought when the first child was conceived. I might as well have not even existed during that time at all.

Post-childbirth coolness is a fairly well documented phenomenon. It doesn't affect all women, but it apparently has affected yours.

On one hand, you have to be sympathetic to how thoroughly a pregnancy will upset a women's body chemistry, but on the other hand, it's very hard not to be frustrated, because things like this do lasting harm to the relationship. 

I think you should try the constructive advice a few have given you, but the elephant in the room is that it could be two years or so before she's fully back to normal. My wife and I have had three happy decades of marriage since that awful time and she honestly doesn't even remember it now. 

Funny how that works.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm a firm believer people don't just wake up and decide they don't want sex with their spouse anymore. Something has caused this and you need to get to the root of it. 

I'm sure thats hard to do if she isn't willing to talk about anything. I'm sure its very frustrating for you to struggle with lack of, but apparently she may be having a inner struggle as well. Suggest her seeing a doctor. Then suggest both of you going to see a counselor. 

How was things before she was pregnant?


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

very similar to me mousecat. sex life was okay (not great) but acceptable before the concieved, but soon as she found out she was preggers thats it. 3 times in 3 years.

she is seeing a counsillor to her credit and got diagnosed depression. but stil another sexless year will be just abotut he end i fear.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You stated she just comes to bed and sleeps. Sounds to me like a tired worn out mother from tending to a baby. 

Now what he deal was before conception and right after I have no clue. Maybe she suffers from undiagnosed depression or something. Thats why a good medical check up is probably in order. 

Maybe a family member or friend can come baby sit and give her some kind of relief so you all can go out or something?


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

There is some good advice here. Look into her possible medical issues… Seek counseling… Woo her… Find out the reason she is closed off to you, etc.

The problem I see with these things is that they all take a conscious decision from her to change. If she were able to make that decision on her own, because it was important enough to her, she would have already made it, it would not have come to this situation. 

OP pointing out any of HER possible issues, without open communication, will more than likely be met with further resentment and defiance. His sharing how it hurts him puts him in a position of weakness. One that many women here admit is a total turn off.

His wife fully understands that he wants sex. He brings it up and she ignores him. Regardless of her reason, she is making a conscious decision to reject him.

OP’s fear of rocking the boat and getting her more upset is certainly not going to create or inspire change. Again, if that were going to work, it too already would have.

In my humble opinion, OP is going to need to lose his fear of her response and confront her with some consequences. He can mention any and all of the advice given, but he will have to express his seriousness in not taking any more of her conscious rejection.

He may have to threaten her ability to be taken care of in all the ways she is taking for granted.

In other words, OP needs to man up and take a hard stand for his marriage. I believe that the key is to do so from a position of love. “You are important to me, our marriage is important to me; a loving, emotional, and physical bond is the foundation to our mutual happiness. I feel our marriage is slipping away; I don’t want that to happen, DO YOU? I am asking you to join me in changing this before its too late. Are you willing to sit down and discuss this with me in an open and honest way? Because if you cannot, I am starting to give up on us, it’s your choice?”

One would hope that this will get her thinking, if she chooses to have an open conversation, then you can discuss the possibilities that have been given here. 

If she does not, then you will have a very clear sense of your future and what you may have to do for you.

For what it’s worth, that’s my thought.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

This is what it sounds like to me, I'm not saying 100% that this is the case, because she still needs to get a medical check up too. However, it sounds like possible resentment built up. 

That is a huge killer of intimacy! Can you think of a time there might have been you did something, said something, didn't do something etc, that maybe she was hurt by? Have you helped with the baby? Was there something that went on or happened prior to her becoming pregnant? 

Sit her down tonight, tell her the seriousness of how you feel. Tell her how much you love her and how much you want the marriage to work. Tell her it can only work though if she opens up to you and tells you why she feels the way she does.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Sounds like you have done right much talking. Apparently she knows how you feel. Time to stop talking and take some action. 

Present her with separation papers. Lay them on the table without a word. If she ignores them and/or chooses to not address the issue, and if the papers do not jolt her to see how serious you are, then perhaps she is just checked out of the marriage and its time to actually move on with things. 

She could have a medical issue. She could have depression. She could be simply tired and worn out. She could no longer care and checked out of the marriage. She could have someone else. The numbers of whats up is endless. Bottom line take action, it speaks louder than words and if she has no response to your action, then you will know where you stand.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

AgentD said:


> Sounds like you have done right much talking. Apparently she knows how you feel. Time to stop talking and take some action.
> 
> Present her with separation papers. Lay them on the table without a word. If she ignores them and/or chooses to not address the issue, and if the papers do not jolt her to see how serious you are, then perhaps she is just checked out of the marriage and its time to actually move on with things.
> 
> She could have a medical issue. She could have depression. She could be simply tired and worn out. She could no longer care and checked out of the marriage. She could have someone else. The numbers of whats up is endless. Bottom line take action, it speaks louder than words and if she has no response to your action, then you will know where you stand.



How she feels today, is NOT how she has to feel tomorrow.

That will inspire a long lasting, loving, emotional, sexual bond ????


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

AgentD said:


> Sounds like you have done right much talking. Apparently she knows how you feel. Time to stop talking and take some action.
> 
> Present her with separation papers. Lay them on the table without a word. If she ignores them and/or chooses to not address the issue, and if the papers do not jolt her to see how serious you are, then perhaps she is just checked out of the marriage and its time to actually move on with things.
> 
> She could have a medical issue. She could have depression. She could be simply tired and worn out. She could no longer care and checked out of the marriage. She could have someone else. The numbers of whats up is endless. Bottom line take action, it speaks louder than words and if she has no response to your action, then you will know where you stand.


:smthumbup: :iagree:


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## teahead (Nov 28, 2011)

What was it like BEFORE? Has it always been far and few between? If so, you married the wrong gal.

Take her to see a doctor. I know of a friend who had his wife checked out and she had some medical issue and with pills, everything is now fine!


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## teahead (Nov 28, 2011)

brendan said:


> very similar to me mousecat. sex life was okay (not great) but acceptable before the concieved, but soon as she found out she was preggers thats it. 3 times in 3 years.
> 
> she is seeing a counsillor to her credit and got diagnosed depression. but stil another sexless year will be just abotut he end i fear.



Good lord...how do you deal with it? 

IMHO, if a woman freely admits she does not want sex, then ask if her if she is okay you screwing around? I mean c'mon, it's either than or divorce.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She snores? Hehe I would pull a prank on wifey if she snores. Heh...

Ne ways in my opinion you're hitting hard in the wrong direction. It's possible she felt insecure during her whole ordeal, but either way it seems you're trying too hard. Rebuild that emotional connection with your wife, intimacy is very important.

But it seems by how she just ignored you when you tried to talk to her about it, you may have to be a little more drastic. You've done heaps yet not giving her enough space for her to meet you halfway. In fact you may made her feel too comfortable, not to mention she may feel smothered by all the one-way traffic.


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## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> You stated she just comes to bed and sleeps. Sounds to me like a tired worn out mother from tending to a baby.


Yes, I understand that. And I work my ass off all day long and I come home from work each day and take over looking after the baby and I am also exhausted to the point of collapse. And then at weekends I do as much as I possibly can to help her, and I don't get much of a break to relax whatsoever. I am tired, so very tired that I can barely keep my eyes open sometimes. But guess what. I STILL WANT SEX. I just wish she did too. That's all.



> Now what he deal was before conception and right after I have no clue. Maybe she suffers from undiagnosed depression or something. Thats why a good medical check up is probably in order.


This is actually a good advice, and a few people here suggested it. I think I may cautiously ask her if she thinks it might be worth a chat with her (female) doctor about this subject in general - ie. no pressure to "fix it", just a chat.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Maybe part of the problem is you are doing to much. Stop doing so much, let some stuff go, if it doesn't get done then it just doesn't. If you are always doing everything, then maybe she feels you are too predictable and to available. Back off on some things. Maybe if some stuff goes undone it will motivate her to do some things. It could be she has taken advantage of you because you do so much.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

"She snores"

She might want to talk to her doc about possible sleep apnea. They can do a sleep study to determine this. My father has it. Before they did the sleep study, he was tired alot. No energy for much of anything. Poor sleep can wreak havoc in lots of areas on anyone and even more so with someone with a baby who might already be a little sleep deprived. 

Anyway, he ended up having it, and they have him one of those CPAP machines, since he has had it he gets more rest, and lots more energy because he is getting decent oxygen supply. Plus no more snoring. It has helped him alot. 

It could be partly that with some depression. Maybe you both will feel better if she sees her doc first.


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## nogo (May 12, 2012)

hi guys, mine i think is nearly the same. my baby boy now is at the age near to 2 years old. and my wife and i juz had sex not more than 5 times since our baby is born. i look after the kid mostly every night (except i was outstation for work), every time i tried to talk to her about our sex life, she will say " u are very annoying" ... *sigh*

before we get married, we do it 2 times everyday except when she is having menstrual, and most of the time she "lit up the fire" ..
missed the old days... **sigh**

anyone have any suggestion?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're not being selfish and this problem seems to be very common. Fiance' or wife feigns sexual interest until she gets pregnant and then resigns from her role as romantic partner and assumes the role of permanent entitled dependant. Rather than "sex", characterize your needs in the form of "intimacy" and then simply tell her that you miss intimacy with her, you require intimacy from her, and you are unwilling to live without intimacy. You will help her get her groove back. You will attend counseling, help out with childcare, chores, whatever, within reason. You will not, however, pretend to be a monk. You will not entertain a parade of excuses. If the marriage is important to her she will get interested and you will see significant effort on her part to increase intimacy/sex. She can choose to become pissed and sulk but that's choosing to be divorced. There are several courses of actions she might choose but if they don't look like sincere attempts to improve intimacy/sex, they will be unacceptable to you and you will call an attorney.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

id neally bet its depression. My ex wife got it and we were never the same. proble, is that you try to make i work but you are living with s different person.

Physically disabled would have been easier i think, mentally. different brain.


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## J'Accused (May 12, 2012)

You cant fix it, once the switch is off sexually you are done if you ever want to have passionate intimacy again, i could reccomend an intimacy counselor but try getting her to go , good luck, cut your losses and get ready for the innevitable divorce or cheating by her, sorry but its the way they are programmed, you are no longer her alpha male


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