# I feel like giving up



## Claire_M (Aug 29, 2011)

Hi, my name is Claire, 26, I'm married(for now),with a 5-month old baby girl whom I love to death! 

Since having my baby, my relationship with my husband, and our marriage, has suffered. We weren't communicating. If we do speak, we were fighting. Heck, it was so bad we hadn't slept together in the same since the first two weeks that the baby was born..almost 4 months never mind sex. He was working an extra job to look after us and we never go the chance to spend time together.

None the less, I've learned the hard way how the stress of having a baby can change a relationship or impact one. Pregnancy books don't prepare you for that, anyhow.
'
Anyways, we were close to a divorce and ending our relationship because it was going so badly and now we are currently separated. Our marriage counsellor suggested a trial separation, which devastated me to say the least. Nobody knew about this separation, my stepmother, whom I have always had a rocky relationship with but for some reason trusted her with this information because I felt so alone.

We are desperately trying to save our marriage and tonight, we had a family dinner. At this family dinner, my stepmother all the sudden opens her big mouth and announces to everyone that me and my husband are separated. Wow, I felt so betrayed.

My dad, who is very protective of me, all the sudden confronts my husband and a fight almost broke out. Dad started on a rampage, thinking my husband cheated on me, saying things you he got me pregnant and now won't own up to his responsibilities. It was awful. The whole family was into it, the nieces were crying, I was crying. It was a nightmare!

My husband and brother-in-law left together and then my dad confronts me, telling me for the first time how he really feels about my marriage: revealing he never supported the idea of "us" in the first place. I was so upset, I took the baby and went home. I wasn't in the mood, nor was I ready, to hear what my dad thought of my marriage. My stepmom ran after me, calling me and all I did was turned around and said " you know what? f*** you"

I am so furious with my stepmom. I trusted her, and she had no right to break that trust. I wasn't ready to tell dad, I wanted to tell him at the right time, and now he is upset with for keeping this from him(I wonder why I kept it from him). My husband and I have been trying so hard to work through this trial separation and were working things out and now this throws us back miles. I'm so frustrated and feel so stupid for trusting her.We're struggling so hard to save our marriage and there are so many factors working against us. We're basically hanging by the thread and nothing we do seems to work in our favor.

I am so discouraged. I'm so tired of crying, crying myself to sleep, sleeping alone. Having a baby is suppose to bring joy into a marriage instead it looks like its going to be bring despair.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Claire,

Wow, I really feel for you and your situation. There is hope for a better day and you can get through this to the otherside. We are here to listen and help. It would probably be a good idea to find a person or support group you can interact with live. I know that has helped me feel like I'm not alone in this.

I'd recommend that you discuss with your counselor how you're feeling towards your baby. The basic issues in marriage usually exist when we walk down the isle. Life events just compound the problems. You need to seperate the arrival of your baby and the issues in your marriage. So that you don't carry resentment and blame about the separation/divorce onto your child.

Your family has no place to interfere, but they will. Your father needs to stay out of your marrital issues. This isn't something he can fix and shouldn't try to, whether there is an affair or not. It might be good to discuss this with him when you are both calmer, and ask him the reasons he doesn't support the marriage. Why is he so eager to jump on the affair bandwagon? Did that play a role in his life? Also look at how he handled the situation when he found out about it. Do you handle things in a similar way? We often model our parents conflict syles which is very hard to change. You should explain to your stepmother that you feel betrayed. I'm not sure that message came through in your last exchange. :smthumbup:

Your husband is now going to feel alienated from your family. He may feel that you planned this confrontation. Think really hard about that. Is your stepmother prone to those types of outbursts? Has she done that in the past? Did you subconsciously setup the situation?

I don't see a lot of specifics about the issues your having. Is it problems with conflict resolution? Are you both rubbing each other the wrong way?

I hope that you can both find a way through this for your family. Divorce isn't something to take lightly or enter into without trying everything you can. We can never control our spouse, but we can control how we interact with them. I'm learning daily that I need to do a better job of owning my side of the relationship.

GearHead


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