# Is public affection that important?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

One thing that kills a good mood is when we go out together and I turn cold against her affections in public, privately we're fine, in a better area locally we're fine, but in the current neighborhood... no. It's pissing her off somewhat, not too serious an issue, but meh...

Can you live happily while hiding your relationship in public? How important is the ability to show public affection to you?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I think showing affection in public becomes really important when one is unable to do it for a long time.

But..... meh 

(My husband is suffering, hungover **insert evil laughter here** LOL**)


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Great... this sux =/


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Great... this sux =/


What? Hangover? LOL

It's a perfectly normal reaction. We tend to start fixating on something we feel is missing or not adequate in frequency/amount.

I remember my fixation on showing affection in public. We had these friends, a couple, we were pretty close. They had a really intense relationship. In was a common thing for them to have a five-minute-long quarrel and five minutes later - bah! - they were making out. All in public. It got me thinking and feeling that in this aspect (affection, not quarrels) I was missing out. That couple and us saw each other very often, so I was quite exposed to those quarrel/making out sessions, and it made me feel inadequate.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

But you can live without it yes? Public is just public right?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Oh. I forgot you guys had a problem with neighborhood (safety?).

I admit I don't understand what you are dealing with when it comes to that. We live in a country where a typical person hasn't been exposed much to a multinational and multiracial world. Only a few years ago my husband (who is ethnically Indian) stuck out like a sore thumb in a (white) crowd. I didn't think much of it. I don't care what other people might think. Of course when we were going out at night, I made sure we had company (just for that extra safety in numbers, you know?).


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> But you can live without it yes? Public is just public right?


We are affectionate in public to a "normal, been-together-for-9-years" degree. I was just so very often exposed to that intense level of.. making out, really.. that I started feeling sorry for myself ("oh, why aren't we like that"). After awhile I just started fixating on it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Our mates are not always free, this problem wasn't so bad on the first year of marriage as I was working 84 hrs a week so we pretty much just did our own thing and the public don't know sh-t. Since April last year I took over my business and the hours are now more flexible and this issue is glaring at us more.

Especially when she feels rejected or that I'm embarrassed of her or some crap. Happened again today actually...

I've heard from friends about a local gang in the area who hates on couples like us so hence I'm more concerned (though the missus reckons I'm paranoid)... I'm more street-wise in this sense. We were better when we didn't live here, but I just had to buy a house in this stupid zone and now the missus doesn't want to move.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I didn't realize that you run the risk of serious bodily injury for showing affection to each other in public where you live. What the hell???? In your case, I'd act like I didn't even KNOW my sweetie. I'm not one to paint a bull's eye on my butt. Had enough of THAT already growing up where I did.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EXACTLY! Hell if only the missus can understand this like you do, think she's rather naive in this regard.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> EXACTLY! Hell if only the missus can understand this like you do, think she's rather naive in this regard.


I have trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that places like this still do exist. I live in a small, rural area in the heart of "******* country". And while MOST people here are very accepting of all races, I KNOW there are a few (usually the younger ones) who...if they saw a racially mixed couple...would most likely harass them. Possibly throw a beer bottle out of their daddy's truck (they're usually unemployed, and driving their parents' vehicles) at them. Those people are the exceptions, though..not the rule. They are a disgrace. The good thing about living here is if my kid were idiot enough to do something like that, chances are high that someone we know would see him and TELL ME about it.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If she doesn't want to move out of that neighborhood, then she shouldn't feel bad that she can't be affectionate with you in that neighborhood. 

But I don't know if you can hide from people. Do people in your neighborhood think you are not married? And if you have to live in fear like this, it is really not good for you, but nothing happened, right? Then there is no need to fear!

Sometimes it is US who make our life complicated!

Sometimes it is US who make us fear things!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Major Misfit

EDIT: Sorry, I shouldn't talk about this here.

@Greenpearl

She's stubborn as, and naive in this.

I do my best to hide us, she annoyingly does her best to show off. Nothing happened so far yes, I do have an intimidating aura but I know I wouldn't be able to defend us if we get mobbed. Heck even one of my friends interstate got mobbed the first day he even came to Sydney.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Honestly? As soon as I was able, I'd move. I know your wife is reluctant to do so. Maybe if y'all are hanging out in a safer area, and she SEES the advantage to that (your being much more affectionate in public?????) she'll reconsider the position she's taken. Especially if you find a place that she falls in love with.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Mobbed???? As in attacked by a raging crowd?? Holy sh*t!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Do you make more money by selling that house? If you do, then just tell her it is a business investment! And tell her you want to invest in some other area, it might be more prosperous!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye, we'll see what happens I guess.

*sigh* I always wish I was never born in this country nowadays.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)




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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

^ What?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Still can't get past the MOBBED part!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

It happens all the time, I'm surprised that you are surprised. Doesn't it happen in your city? (If you live in a big city that is)


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

HELL NO!

We live in a big city, although it's not a metropolis (the country is too small for those). I took my husband to the outskirts, I took him to a village. There were stares, yes, but honestly I've never felt I should be worried about my or my husband's safety.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That's another thing... -.-

The constant stares, although not as serious as the threat of this local ******* gang that I heard about - I grew up with the street mentality - stare at me and it means you wanna go. I've let that go but it still makes me very uncomfortable. 

I have been nagging the missus to dye her hair black so we won't look so 'out of place' as well but NOOOOO, she likes being stubborn -.-

My first girlfriend 10 years ago was "different" in this, people stared at us, she went right up to them ready to smack 'em (she was a trained kick-boxer) - and she dragged me into tons of fights back in the day. One of the best strikers I've ever met though, more of a grappler myself.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

We live in a safe city. My husband and I get a lot of attention from people since he is western and I am eastern, but people are just friendly and hospitable. It is nice to live in a place where you are not worried. Girls do need to be careful after midnight!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

First off...stop nagging her to dye her hair. That's a big change for any woman, and one that's very personal. My own daughter HAD beautiful blonde hair, until she went and dyed it black. I don't like it, but SHE does. And that's all that matters. 
I understand your reasoning behind it, but thank goodness she's standing her ground on that one.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Greenpearl

Asia does seem to be much more acceptive when it comes to IR relationships I've noticed.

@Major Misfit



> First off...stop nagging her to dye her hair. That's a big change for any woman, and one that's very personal. My own daughter HAD beautiful blonde hair, until she went and dyed it black. I don't like it, but SHE does. And that's all that matters.
> I understand your reasoning behind it, but thank goodness she's standing her ground on that one.


>.<! *sigh*

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about 'em but never see 'em... 

Heh sorry


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> The constant stares, although not as serious as the threat of this local ******* gang that I heard about - I grew up with the street mentality - stare at me and it means you wanna go. I've let that go but it still makes me very uncomfortable.


See, we don't know that. We just don't look at people, no mention staring!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> That's another thing... -.-
> 
> The constant stares, although not as serious as the threat of this local ******* gang that I heard about - I grew up with the street mentality - stare at me and it means you wanna go. I've let that go but it still makes me very uncomfortable.


You live in Australia, right? Go for a trip to India. After 3 days, you will be "cured". Guaranteed! 



> I have been nagging the missus to dye her hair black so we won't look so 'out of place' as well but NOOOOO, she likes being stubborn -.-


I think in last 9 years I must have changed my hair color about 6-7 times. First time I had my hair dyed after my husband suggested that me having a different hair color would be, for him, like being in bed with the other woman! LOL


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> You live in Australia, right? Go for a trip to India. After 3 days, you will be "cured". Guaranteed!


-.O
What you mean?



> I think in last 9 years I must have changed my hair color about 6-7 times. First time I had my hair dyed after my husband suggested that me having a different hair color would be, for him, like being in bed with the other woman! LOL


Dark red/auburn is my favorite really, but black is more suitable for public. She already has the black eyes to match, too bad about her features though.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> See, we don't know that. We just don't look at people, no mention staring!


Oooooooooooooohh... Before the first time I went to India I had my hair dyed black (long hair at the time) plus I was very tan. So aside from the fact that my eyes are blue I looked very much local. 

The amount of stares I got was unbelievable to me. First 3 days in I was uncomfortable (what? what is it? I have food stuck in my teeth?). I stopped being self-conscious about it. The thing is I did all that mainly to blend in, but ended up asked by two 5 year old girls to have a photo taken with them in Taj Mahal complex even! :rofl:


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> -.O
> What you mean?


Cured of being uncomfortable by people staring.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't think I'll be able to handle it :rofl:

An African-American friend of mine told me that I would also probably get the same stares if I went to the U.S.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think there's a difference between public affection and hiding the relationship. Going without public affection wouldn't be a huge deal to me, as long as he wasn't actively trying to hide/deny our relationship. 

At the same time, though, I wouldn't live in a place where I HAD to hide my relationship out of fear like that. I haven't read through all the answers on here yet, so someone else might have already asked why and you've addressed it, but I do have to wonder why you would live in an area like that. And it may be that your wife is not as naive and stubborn as you think, but that she also doesn't understand why you are still living there. Or maybe she's just not the type to be afraid of anyone and would rather stand up and fight for your relationship than hide it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I think there's a difference between public affection and hiding the relationship. Going without public affection wouldn't be a huge deal to me, as long as he wasn't actively trying to hide/deny our relationship.


>.<!



> but I do have to wonder why you would live in an area like that.


Because I was in panic and stupid and my mother-in-law was always saying how I'll never amount to crap as I don't have a degree, so I worked 84 hours a week just to afford a nice big affordable house (even bigger then hers) whereever I could just to shut her up and make her look like an idiot.

We've reconciled now, so I don't see the point of staying, but the missus has settled in.



> And it may be that your wife is not as naive and stubborn as you think, but that she also doesn't understand why you are still living there. Or maybe she's just not the type to be afraid of anyone and would rather stand up and fight for your relationship than hide it.


She has her "faith" in her religion while for me my faith is more "down to earth"/"realist". And yes she'd rather stand up and fight, for me, I don't think some fights are worth it and it's better to lay low and live a peaceful happy life. I've had enough of fighting all through my teens on the street.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> She has her "faith" in her religion while for me my faith is more "down to earth"/"realist". And yes she'd rather stand up and fight, for me, I don't think some fights are worth it and it's better to lay low and live a peaceful happy life. I've had enough of fighting all through my teens on the street.


Well, that right there could be part of it. If my boyfriend told me that, my thoughts would be to wonder why he felt it was worth fighting over stupid stuff as a teen, but that fighting for me, for our relationship, wasn't worth fighting for. I'd wonder how much he could really love me if he didn't think our relationship was something worth standing up for. It would throw everything else in our relationship into a different light. Every difference of opinion, every argument, I'd wonder if it was because the relationship, and I, wasn't important to him. 

That's just me, but you might want to consider it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I ain't going anywhere - hell is this the "security" that she wants from me? Is she just pissed that she's willing to fight but I don't seem like I do - it's not that I don't want to fight, I just want to be able to CHOOSE my fights, and this one just ain't worth it - we are living in a bad area. If she would just stop being so stubborn and insistent that all of this is MY problem it wouldn't be an issue.

Years ago when I was pulled out of the streets and went straight, folks told me all this bullsh-t about "new life", a legit life, no more fighting, just peace. What a load of BS. Turns out there's always something left to fight for, always someone left to fight. Bah! But it shouldn't be this way, I don't want dramas especially when we already have a dependant - our daughter.

To her however, all this is still:
YouTube - Love is a Battlefield


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> >.<!
> 
> She has her "faith" in her religion while for me my faith is more "down to earth"/"realist". And yes she'd rather stand up and fight, for me, I don't think some fights are worth it and it's better to lay low and live a peaceful happy life. I've had enough of fighting all through my teens on the street.


It is a very smart thinking, Buddhists practice this. Sometimes those fights are just not worth of our energy, it is better to live in a peaceful life than fight for some stupid reasons! 

Having a peaceful mind protects our life! A lot of people like to fight, and they have to win, in fact they lose a lot of things they just don't see! They lose their peaceful mind!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

^ YES! Oh hell how to convince the missus that?!

Meh nevermind, going to take her out and look at houses this week. Reachingshore made a very good idea to help solve this issue.


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