# Should i just let him do what he wants!



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Ok so some of you have read my situation.. my question is.. do I just let him do what he wants... go where he wants... come and go like his has no wife....... just ignore him... not ask nothing not act like it bothers me... we had a big blow up because it like he can do whatever he wants and I admit I blew up... wrong move I think... and it lead to us saying things like you know we are going to get a divorce.. well he first hinted about it.. and I simply said you are right the only way to get past this is a divorce, if you want to live like you are not married then fine.. divorce is our only option.. I told him I left all his stuff packed because I thout about it, and didnt see no since in it be unpacked, bc I had a feeling he would want to come and go as he pleases and I and I am not going to just act like this is OK.. or nothing ever happened.. his denial isnt making what happened NOT have happened.. that he expects me to just beleive it never happened just because he denies it.. no it doesnt work that way.. so we have a huge fight over this. he wants me to beleive and trust him and I DO NOT.. but he sees it diffrently.. he says he has a right to freedom.. sure if he hadnt of did what he did, but in order to save his marriage he lost that with me.. its going to take time to gain any trust with me back... and his denial is making it worst... so according to the 180 I did the wrong thing, but how do I keep my emotions in check and just not care?????? Any suggestion about what I did wrong and how do I approach this diffrently???


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## DesperateHouseWife (Oct 24, 2011)

Nothing in life comes easily. If a person doesn't admit there wrong doing the relationship won't start to heal. If he wants to come & go as if he has no wife maybe you should think. Is it worth being with this person? Some people to stay together,and live in an open marriage/relationship where the men does what he wants,and so does the women,but doesn't sound like that's what you want. Other people live together,because they can't pay bills on there own. This men doesn't sound fair to me wanting to come & go as he please. It's like he wants his cake with some ice cream on the side. Good luck


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I actually said that to him to.... You want your cake and eat it to.. You got the perfect little set up... Or so you think.. But only thing its getting you is me wanting out of this marriage... Wrong move idk... Im trying to figure all this out.. Including the 180.. And no an open marriage is on the table for me, we can just scrap that idea to the dog...... Or him!!!!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Have you begun to consider the "business" side of what divorce means to you? Began developing your plan? For me, that was looking at the family law code section of my state's judicial website and learning what my rights were, and what that Standard Order was that was going to be followed by a judge. I found out what the laws were in regards to child support, alimony, marital asset division, and how I wanted to proceed in the limited capacity of funds that I had to work with. Find out what the steps are to proceed with a divorce, and consider where you want to be after it is all said and done, in regards to living arrangements, debt, and those important issues. It would seem like the time to begin thinking on those terms to get out of the stagnation.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Any suggestion about what I did wrong and how do I approach this diffrently???


You accept that you can't "let" him do anything. You have absolutely no control over his behavior. He is free to do whatever he wants to. You can only control yourself.

That is what the 180 is about. You're changing yourself because that's all you have control over. That is what you should keep telling yourself. Whether he behaves well or poorly is completely out of your control. So stop trying to control him and start trying to control yourself.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

It FEELS like I am letting him do what he wants, and it just makes me upset because to me it feels like I dont have the right to say to him when I feel he is doing me wrong.. Thats the problem controling my FEELINGS. I know what you are saying but how to control the nagging feeling that its wrong, and getting this overwhelming urge to voice my opnion VERY LOUDLY.. :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## dawgfan (Jul 22, 2011)

Hey Just Tired - 

I've been reading some of your threads, and I really feel for what you're going through. Your husband's behavior is unacceptable, and his attitude is outrageous. You deserve better.

In my opinion, you're doing a lot of things right. You're in counseling, and you've taken some concrete actions to demonstrate that you're not going to put up with this. 

What's really, really important at this point is follow-through. As you've seen, arguments and blow-ups just weaken your position. Actions always speak louder than words!

If I were you, I would be lining up a solid support system and preparing for a possible separation. He needs to know, by your actions, that you're serious - and that if he wants to save your marriage, the ball is in his court.

You need to communicate loud and clear that he can't just come and go from your marriage - that he needs to choose, and that you'll be _just fine_ if he chooses to leave. Cheaters take advantage of dependency on the part of their spouses - so stay calm, take good care of yourself, and don't show any signs of backing down or waffling. 

I don't know if you believe in God, but I found some great advice on a Christian forum about "tough love" with an unfaithful spouse. Here's also a Q&A with some information that might help you.

Bless you, friend.

dawgfan


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

As of right now this forum is my only support system, and I am very thankful to of found it... And I am going to talk to the county attorny to see what my rights are, and the other resourses people has suggested and your right the fighting and blowing up is onl making it worse..... My councler just say I have the right to be angry.. But Iv taken it for so long, now I just blow up.. I need to control my built up angier if I am going to make any proggress good or bad... I just dont know how to calm myself when the memories pop up along with the actions he takes or how he reacts brings them bubble to the surface.. then I lash out at him telling him you did this or that before or did you forget.. well I sure as the [email protected] havnt.. I am ashamed that I cant control my anger.. Its just so much built up but I have to control it somehow...:scratchhead:


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## dawgfan (Jul 22, 2011)

Your feelings are justified, and I'm really glad this forum has been a safe place for you to vent and gather support. You really need that if you're going to stand up to your husband with strength and confidence.

I wanted to let you know about a free counseling line you can call if you want some extra guidance - 855/771-HELP (4357). I know you already have a local counselor, but it might be worth giving these guys a call.

Take good care, OK? 

dawgfan


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Thank you for the number I am writing it down just in case, with going thru the hole rang of emotions.. and being so confused about what I want, how to handle it, or how to just cope. Honestly it just feels like a fight for survival at some points.. I am as of now past the shamefull thouts of ending it.. Not calling of the marriage just ending EVERYTHING.. to this day I am just ashamed that, that even crossed my mind.. I am so worth more than that.. But at my lowest it was a very real image.... It just felt like my whole world got ripped apart. and I didnt want to hang around in a world that was completley destroyed and at that point I just figured well guess this is how its supposed to be.. lucky I snapped out of that, soons I seeked some help.. But I have held in so much of it all, that just being able to come here and talk to others that truley know what I am going thru is a god-send to me... Its diffrent than hearing people say.. IF I WERE YOU.... and they havnt walked a block in my shoes... so how do they know.. they arnt me..I know the try to help but the bashing just made it worst..I was seeking support but only got pure anger for the situation.. I understand they was being so angry bc they didnt want me so hurt.. But it just got to seem like I had no one to turn to, just to lend me a ear, or a shoulder/box of kleenex... it just made me hold it all in.. Now if I feel overwhelmed I run to this site to see how I should be doing this or that.. or if someone has posted that has been in a similar situation.....the whole not feeling like I had anyone to turn to got me lower and lower.. So I just held everything in.. and then it was like I was becoming a door mate.. So my emotional roller coaster went from one extreme to the next.. seems there was no inbetween moments.. Or maybe this is my inbetween moment.. after I stumbled onto this site it seems like I take a step back.. its not instantly.. but it is better than say last week.. and the more I run to this site looking for guidance it helping me to slow my emotional raves.... mind you not to the extent I would like it to be.. but I did come to this site today for instence looking for advice and posting and it chilled me out.. which felt pretty good.. he asked me to go somewhere with him I just simply said No Thank You.. I didnt launch into a why.. Iv had enough.. I dont want to be around you bc....etc etc etc... just a simple No Thank You.... I didnt want to be around him at the time.. so I didnt go all emotional looney... that was a postive for me.. So to all of you who have taken the time to help me out.. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.... God works in mysteriouse ways....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cry, scream, let it all out. Don't do anything rash though. If you are serious, then go see a therapist soon about getting on meds. THAT is never the answer. You have children to think about. Right now you are their #1 since their dad is acting like a POS. Be there for them. Lead the way for them. They need you badly right now. And you also need a sounding board so feel free to vent here as well as calling iup a good friend or relative to vent. 

I remember when Mr. exJelly and I first separated I was driving down the freeway in my car w/ my windows rolled up SCREAMING at the top of my lungs. I just had to fcking scream about everything and it felt soooooooooooooo good.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Jellybeans I am seeing a therapist now, and the whole end it all phase has passed.. that was before.. Not now.. now Im in the angry stange.. or the angry/how could he stage.. I really dont know the stage but I lash out more now then I ever did.. I mean ever..I just dont want to ever ever ever... go back to that feeling of despair again.. and me coming here is away for me to find some strength and guidance from other who has walked the mile in my shoes.. the number she gave me is for me to make sure I never get so low about myself again.. and so is this forum.. as for a good freind well the just launched into angier they never gave me a chance to let out some of the stuff I had built up.. which caused me to hold even more in..... they didnt really know how to handel it because they hadnt been thru it.. they only reaction they had was to lash out aswell. which isnt somthing I needed I needed some guidance, understanding, a shoulder, some support.. all the things I am receiving from all you guys on here because youve been there done that.. and now this is what you need.... This forum is exactly what I needed..... and here I thout you Jellybeans was being the hardest on me at first, but you was only giving me the information I needed..rather I wanted to here it or not.... thank you....


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