# Please help! Why would he lie about something simple?



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Help me please, I'm pregnant and really feel like I'm spinning out of control with what just happened...


We were on the deck, I saw husband's phone ring/vibrate, he turned to look at who called and put phone away. 

I asked him, did your phone ring? 

He said no, I was looking at my watch. 

Then I said oh ok, it looked like your phone. 

He said yeah it was my phone, the alarm is going off for some reason. 

I said...ummm, ok. Then let me see your phone. 

And he responded, "Ok fine, someone called from work. I don't know who, I just didn't want to acknowledge it" 

So I replied, Why would you lie about it? What's the big deal?

He said "I don't know, I know you always get annoyed/mad with anyone where I work so I just would rather avoid it" Then said go ahead and play the voicemail...

So I played it, it was a woman just asking him to call him at work.

He said I can call right now in front of you...so he did on speaker, she asked about something that needed to be made in the lab, he said it was done already and told her where to find it and that was it. I truly don't think it was anything more BUT WHY WOULD HE LIE TO ME?

I should explain a little backstory here to help you. In the past husband has always been a bit more antisocial/quiet/reserved and after a year or two of working where he is he finally started to talk to people more at work. There always seemed to be more women that he worked with that are our age, not his fault but annoying to me. A few he became more friendly with and I wasn't annoyed too much except a few times. One he became friendlier with and kept looking at her FB page, I got annoyed with that and he stopped...I asked him not to be friends with her and he did...or so I thought. They weren't great friends but they were still friends and I only found out at a kids party when she waved him over when we our family arrived. I said "why would she do that?" and didn't like the gut feeling I had...he finally admitted that they were still friends, not like before but still talked just at work etc. After that we went to counseling, he started reading 'hedges' and 'no more mr nice guy'...but never finished them. After several months of counseling and working on communication I felt like we were better than ever, much stronger etc. Now 1yr later this happens....WHY WHY WHY?

I left the deck, came inside and am just sitting in our room. He came in here and said he's so sorry, he doesn't know why he did it, he just did and he doesn't blame me for not trusting him now, that he wouldn't trust me now either. He said there's absolutely nothing to lie about but he did for some reason because he feels like work/his coworkers always cause arguments between us so he'd rather just avoid it all together...(BTW, the person who called tonight is NOT the person who he was friends with before if that makes a difference) 

My gut feeling? I believe what he's saying but how can I continue to build on something when he lies about something so small? I'm sitting here crying...I just LEFT MY JOB because we're due with our 2nd child soon (we planned on me leaving, taking time for kid 2). I told him to go finish eating dinner w/kid 1...I'm sitting here HATING that he put me in this position. We JUST moved into a nice big house, I just left my job and we're due with our kid 2 soon and I want our kids lives to be awesome, NOT what we both had (parents fighting etc). 

Please help me, I don't know what to do...I told him I want the truth about everything or leave tonight. He said there is nothing else, he doesn't know why he did it but he will leave tonight because he hurt me. He said he just wanted me to be happy, especially while pregnant, that he didn't want any arguments so he just said it was nothing because it wasn't a big deal and he didn't want a potential fight. My gut does believe him, but my brain says, WHY WHY WHY? 

He's putting our kid to bed now (who is a toddler and doesn't know whats goes on BUT sees me crying and asked me if I'm ok) 

Please help!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I honestly think your overreacting to this situation. Your husband is doing all he can for the slip up. We all make mistakes here and there. This was a simple mistake.

I personally think you need to apologize to him.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I honestly think your overreacting to this situation. Your husband is doing all he can for the slip up. We all make mistakes here and there. This was a simple mistake.
> 
> I personally think you need to apologize to him.



Really? I'm saying this in all honesty, why? What did I do? Please tell me what I'm not seeing, harsh as it may be...


There is NOTHING else I want more than for our family, us etc to be together. We truly have something good...why would he do this?


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

I can see why he would lie about it. You seem to dwell bigtime on small issues. He probably is thinking the same thing and in order for u to not get pissed off with him about little things like this, he feels he has to lie just to avoid what u put him thru. It went from a little white lie to avoid conflict, to him saying he would leave if thats what you wanted??? i mean how the hell did that happen? The dude is probably scared to death of angering you especially with u being pregnant. You gotta chill out a bit or he will stray and it will be for good, just to get out of the current situation hes in. If hes a good man, then u should already know that. Let it go and take it easy on him.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Well a good update...I thought about what was written here, I thought about everything after letting some steam off. I realize I created much of the problem here and talked to husband. 

We talked for 3 hrs. He was more open and told me where some of this was coming from, I didn't realize how much negative stuff I've communicated with him and not enough positive (and there is a lot of positive about him). I still don't have to like that he lied over nothing BUT I understand where that was coming from, what he really thinks and how much he was trying to do to make ME happy.

We also decided to go back to a counselor who we've seen in the past, she was good with helping us learn to communicate better. I mentioned it and husband said it could help. He was happy I said let's talk instead of "please leave" again.

Thank you guys, honestly, I don't know what I'd do without a board like this sometimes. And I'll add that being pregnant doesn't help when trying to gauge what is a 'normal' reaction or not. Thank you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am sorry you are so upset.

You knew his phone rang.

Then you asked him if it did. Seriously?

If you knew his phone rang, why did you ask your husband a question that you already knew the answer to?

See where I'm going........

Please be honest.

Are you somewhat jealous of all of the females he works with? 

Were you happier when he was the "antisocial/quiet/reserved" guy?

I don't think it is fair to your children to ask your husband "to leave" for not telling you the truth about this phone call. I will however suggest marriage counseling.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Sorry, posted after you. I'm happy to hear you had a good talk


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

*Re: Re: Please help! Why would he lie about something simple?*



yellowstar said:


> BUT WHY WOULD HE LIE TO ME?


Because you always bust his [email protected] for no reason. At some point it became easier to lie than face your wrath. Friends aren't hyper-critical and ready to pounce on the slightest infraction and you should not be either.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband did the same....said I was "always mad when his phone went off". But I didn't get that way until he started hiding it. I never cared before...until he hid it and snuck texts etc and LIED about it like your husband is doing.

Turns out he was up to tons of bullshet.

Trust your gut.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Please try not to take this into too much offence. I'm really just trying to get a picture here

I'm getting the feeling like you are an over reactor, controller, and your H may be lying because he's scared of you. You seem very on edge over little things with no evidence what so ever of infidelity really. 

I will admit, the hiding the phone thing would be very suspicious in regards to cheating...however, from what you have said, you come across as obsessive, so I am going to say that he just doesn't want to get you angry because he can't do anything right in your eyes


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Please try not to take this into too much offence. I'm really just trying to get a picture here
> 
> I'm getting the feeling like you are an over reactor, controller, and your H may be lying because he's scared of you. You seem very on edge over little things with no evidence what so ever of infidelity really.
> 
> I will admit, the hiding the phone thing would be very suspicious in regards to cheating...however, from what you have said, you come across as obsessive, so I am going to say that he just doesn't want to get you angry because he can't do anything right in your eyes



Yes everything you said about me is true. I tend to overreact, in the past be very controlling, demanding etc---although I think I've gotten a little bit better. Honestly its most likely the reason he lied. But I'm still upset---it was over nothing. I will say he never normally hides his phone from me. In fact he usually has to find it or doesn't remember where he put it. 

He keeps saying he had a bad day at work, when he saw someone called he figured it was something maybe he screwed up on and just "didnt want to deal with it". He said he should t have lied it was stupid, he said "I didnt want to acknowledge it because it was a crappy day and I'd just deal with it tomorrow". He said I just wanted to relax with you and not deal with work stuff. Everything he is saying does make sense, and I have overreacted in the past and have been jealous etc but I've been slightly improving. My gut says he isnt cheating or hiding something big BUT I'm still upset he would lie to me. He did agree to go back together to see the counselor about communicating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

You sound WAY too controlling. Do you really want a guys perspective? 

Honestly, most guys just want a peaceful existence with their wives. When you go flying off the handle and telling your husband to leave over an innocent phone call it makes you out to be crazy. And dudes don't like crazy.

When you react the way you did you make your husband walk on egg shells. That is the worst feeling for a man. It makes him avoid conflict and not want to be in a relationship with you. You should be the one apologizing to your man for being hyper sensitive aka crazy.

I lived through that In the past. Every little thing was a catastrophe. I hated my life. I wanted to give and love and have a safe environment to be myself, but I couldn't because every damn thing was a catastrophe to her. 

There is no way i would tolerate it my woman did that to me now. I'd put her in her place in a heartbeat. Chill out and show your man some trust and respect.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oh yellowstar....from reading your posts on this thread... realizing your blunder... I so believe you could have the marriage "to DIE for"...if you could just rid yourself of this ...these jealous tendencies -- this insane worry over other women. 

Please allow your husband (sounds like a good man) who just wants a peaceful existence with his wife (like Viseral said).....*Allow for him TO BE a normal social being at his work place*... he sounds like a NICE GUY/ quiet / reserved by nature... probably an overall GOOD person, kind to all...so people talk to him... men and women... it's NOT a big deal....

My question to you is this.. What has HE personally DONE...to cause you to feel even a tinge of betrayal - having something going on with another woman? Other than his REACTING TO YOU ...worried he may get the 3rd degree of WHY WHY WHY ....if you learn a female co-worker phoned him at home? When he knows this is NOTHING...but you won't believe it, he knows the rest of his night will be clouded.. This is no way to live & enjoy life...or marriage. 

Where is this coming from.... have you been betrayed in the past by an Ex...and this worry lives on in you ....followed you into marriage...your husband paying for another's sins. Or has HE done something /anything ...LYING to you, and he was caught , or crossing a KNOWN line? Not just in your head, but in reality? 

What every marriage needs is MORE Transparency, but such things can NEVER be achieved if a spouse feels they are walking on egg shells - in regards to the opposite sex, sometimes we make mountains out of utter MOLE HILLS...or lets say ANT trails even. Can you really blame him for not wanting to open that up? 

I think you are getting it. 

Please ...learn here, be brave, be OPEN, be understanding, allow him to BE HIM, allow him to talk about his day, about his female co-workers even... do not do this to a good man, he will only clam up ...and it will hurt & further damage your connection with him (this has more of a chance of leading him astray).


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh yellowstar....from reading your posts on this thread... realizing your blunder... I so believe you could have the marriage "to DIE for"...if you could just rid yourself of this ...these jealous tendencies -- this insane worry over other women.
> 
> Please allow your husband (sounds like a good man) who just wants a peaceful existence with his wife (like Viseral said).....*Allow for him TO BE a normal social being at his work place*... he sounds like a NICE GUY/ quiet / reserved by nature... probably an overall GOOD person, kind to all...so people talk to him... men and women... it's NOT a big deal....
> 
> ...




Besides the backstory I mentioned? NO, my husband has never been unfaithful. There was that one lie about being friends with someone (in the backstory I put in my OP but otherwise no). 

My boyfriend before meeting my husband was--that boyfriend cheated and made me think I was paranoid. My husband and I have been together for 13yrs, married for 8yrs. I know I shouldnt make my husband pay for other peoples' mistakes. I feel like I've done so much damage in the past with making him 'pay' for others sins and I don't know how to fix the damage... what can I do to fix it? 

I also love my husband so much, like I feel we have so much going for us, we're good together, he makes me happy he tries he puts me up on a pedestal, he's a great dad etc. i don't tell him this enough. Last night when we talked he said "I'm honestly surprised that you are so happy with me and love me so much, I always think you're annoyed and disappointed with me". I'm so worried about screwing up a great thing. :scratchhead:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

yellowstar said:


> Besides the backstory I mentioned? NO, my husband has never been unfaithful. There was that one lie about being friends with someone (in the backstory I put in my OP but otherwise no).
> 
> My boyfriend before meeting my husband was--that boyfriend cheated and made me think I was paranoid. My husband and I have been together for 13yrs, married for 8yrs. I know I shouldnt make my husband pay for other peoples' mistakes. I feel like I've done so much damage in the past with making him 'pay' for others sins and I don't know how to fix the damage... what can I do to fix it?
> 
> I also love my husband so much, like I feel we have so much going for us, we're good together, he makes me happy he tries he puts me up on a pedestal, he's a great dad etc. i don't tell him this enough. Last night when we talked he said "I'm honestly surprised that you are so happy with me and love me so much, I always think you're annoyed and disappointed with me". I'm so worried about screwing up a great thing. :scratchhead:


 You hold a Beautiful thing in your hands... you have 13 wonderful years with a faithful man at your side.. remind yourself of this daily if you have to. Please take a moment to read my thread on "Transparency"... Let the idea sink in... practice this, it will change your life as a woman, you will grow to trust each other so much MORE... .there is no fear here. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html

Your husband is not your EX.... HE has been a good man, treat him as such... and tell him every day... the more you show HIM love, understanding and Respect... he will give it back to you...and you will see him open up like a flower in other ways as well. 

His words were very touching to you... saying '"*I'm honestly surprised that you are so happy with me and love me so much, I always think you're annoyed and disappointed with me*" ONLY YOU can turn this around.... by showing him TRUST...encouraging him, praising him... start today. 

You have been very blessed YellowStar.  Rest in that.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Your back story is not really a back story it's a mistake, I hope you are not holding it aginst him. You can only control you. You need to trust him and hope for the best. The more you try to contol him the more he will want space. Enjoy him, stop caring about who calls and who he works with. He has proven its nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Yes everything you said about me is true. I tend to overreact, in the past be very controlling, demanding etc---although I think I've gotten a little bit better. Honestly its most likely the reason he lied. But I'm still upset---it was over nothing. I will say he never normally hides his phone from me. In fact he usually has to find it or doesn't remember where he put it.


I think he hid it/lied because he is afraid of you .People will lie even when they have nothing to lie about when in fear of a known /proven irrational person who will first suspect them until they prove innocence.Maybe he wasn't in the mood to get grilled and questioned ?Now you have made it about the lying.The poor guy can't win either way.



> I know I shouldnt make my husband pay for other peoples' mistakes. I feel like I've done so much damage in the past with making him 'pay' for others sins and I don't know how to fix the damage... what can I do to fix it?


Forgive him for lying.And stop asking him who calls unless you have real reason to suspect something is not right.Do that for a couple years then maybe you can make it casual conversation.Hes on the defense now.Assume the best.Give him what he has earned.Trust.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Thanks all, just wanted to update.

Husband is going to work on sharing with me, regardless of what he thinks my reaction will be...and I told him to call me out if I say anything that is overly reactive, like "See this is why I can't share because you react like this"

And *I* am going to focus on listening to him, trusting him, not jumping to conclusions, communicating my feelings when I'm calm...

AND we have set up a counseling session again with a previous counselor. 

I don't know if this is true but I do think I am insecure in general and get overly jealous, all which I have to work on. Being pregnant though makes me feel even MORE crazy which is not good (I think I felt like this last time too). 

Thanks for listening!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Yellowstar, sounds like a wonderful start ...

Yes, those pregnancy hormones could cause you to be a little "Over the top in some ways" I suppose... just KEEP THIS IN MIND......It's funny.. this is how me & my husband are.... I never had PMS till my 40's... then it's like ...WOW... I can feel the rain cloud coming over me ... but I KNOW WHAT IT IS... I KNOW I AM MORE EMOTIONAL... 

With us, he even has *the freedom* to JOKE with me about this, he'll tell me I need to be put in a cage with tape over my mouth....... I just :rofl: with him... I know it's true...in this freedom to interact, somehow there is a RELEASE in itself... I know I am fully accepted by him ...with a little grace for my attitude beings it's pms...and I too accept him ... and laugh along with him KNOWING he means me no harm at all !!

Even in this exchange....it's about *TRUST* I suppose. Emotional trust.. and we practice *grace* with each other. 

Your communication will flourish here if you start living like this... just be self aware enough to KNOW.... when you are allowing a root of jealousy to enter (when there is no valid reason to do so)... remind yourself what a good man you married, his efforts here to move closer to you....how he has never betrayed you, how much he loves & adores you. 

I wish you the best !


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