# Separated ... Strange Situation



## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

I'm new here ... and have a unique strange situation .. and could use some support and maybe opinions on what you guys think. 

Married 13 years - second marriage for us both - no children together - separated 5 years.

We're still legally married, just living apart. We still see each other only, and have, since the separation. There have been no affairs on my part, and none that I know of, on his part.

I still love him, but I don't like him and I don't respect him as I use to. He says the same about me.

Some of the things I wanted to ask about ... and need opinions on are:

*Him sleeping in his van, in Walmart parking lot, because he's too tired to drive home.*

(He's 60 years old, and works part time and is retired from his main job, but puts in allot of time volunteering his mechanical skills for the local snowmobile club. 

He doesn't understand why this bothers me, but it does ... I think because it's just weird, a man that age, sleeping in his van, instead of going home to be with his cats. He has 5 cats and they're alone allot. He sleeps in his van at least 4 times a week, sometimes more. 

He lives about 45 minutes from where he sleeps in his van, which is around where he works and volunteers. I just don't like it that my husband is out there ... sleeping in a van, and I don't truly know where he is the whole night.

I have gone to him a few times, and he has been where he says he is.... so I have no proof that he's doing anything else.)

*He eats out at diners all the time, alone. * 

(He cheated on his first wife many times. Of what I know, he's not cheated on me, but I have to say, I don't trust him 100% on flirting and enjoying this time with women.

I have to say, I've seen him WITH me, and he loves to stare, to the point of annoying and disrespectful, so I can just imagine what he's like WITHOUT me. 

I do NOT like him to go to eat alone, especially at diners where he sits at the counter and I KNOW he talks to and flirts with the waitresses.)

*Whenever I try to talk to him about anything that's bothering me, he gets angry and turns it around to me. Stonewalling it's called ... and he does it EVERY time. * 

This goes with the above situation of him eating at diners and restaurants alone all the time. Whenever I approach him about being uncomfortable about it, he gets REALLY angry and says it's ridiculous it bothers me, since he's just EATING.

I could REALLY use some opinions on these situations ... there are more, but these are the current and ongoing problems right now.

Also, I do meet him for breakfast sometimes, and he does take me out to eat whenever I want to ... but thing is, I don't like going with him much, because of him staring and staring and staring. I feel invisible.

Thanks so much for listening to all of this.... sure hope I can find some help in sorting things out. 

Hugs,
Dee


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Anyone out there ... care to comment? I could really use some support and opinions.

I just called him this morning on his cell, and of course, he was at a diner ... and I could hear the waitress, so he was at the counter .... just really bothers me.


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

OK .. even though you think I'm crazy to be upset at the things I listed ... please do post that, since I'd really like to hear both sides. 

They may sound trivial .... but they're not to me .. and the underlying problems going on.

Maybe it takes time for replies ... I guess I'm feeling a little left out.


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## Steve_C (Feb 16, 2010)

Hi Dee,

Hang in there, You will get good advice on this forum,i wish i could help but i don't have that much experience, all the advice i have recieved on this forum has helped me so much..

Take Care....


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Steve_C said:


> Hi Dee,
> 
> Hang in there, You will get good advice on this forum,i wish i could help but i don't have that much experience, all the advice i have recieved on this forum has helped me so much..
> 
> Take Care....



WOW ... a brave soul :smthumbup:

Hi Steve, thanks for replying ... at least it gives me hope.


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## Steve_C (Feb 16, 2010)

What i did was look at other threads to keep me busy honestly hang in there..Try and keep busy to take your mind of it...we are here for you. got to go to work now but my thoughts are with you....


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Steve_C said:


> What i did was look at other threads to keep me busy honestly hang in there..Try and keep busy to take your mind of it...we are here for you. got to go to work now but my thoughts are with you....


Thanks Steve


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hi Dee~

I'm looking over your situation and I have to admit, I'm a little confused. You two have been separated for FIVE YEARS? did I read that right. And after five years time neither one of you has filed for divorce or made progress so that you can reconcile? Honestly, you're right. That is an odd situation. 

It is also odd that your husband would sleep in a van in the Walmart parking lot rather than drive home. I would personally find that darn suspicious! Even if it is a 45 min drive to his home, he could leave his volunteer spot 45 min. earlier and get home! Although it really is odd--then again, if you two have been separated for five years I'm kind of wondering why you're keeping track of him. If two people are separated doesn't that mean they are not in contact and no longer together? And regarding the diner, well he's a separated man who lives in a van--where else would he go to eat? Cook in the van?

All this does sound REALLY unusual but here's my overriding thought: why in the world are you separated for five years and still keeping tabs on him? I'd say either make serious moves to reconciliation (like going to counseling, etc.) or make serious moves to entirely end all contact. That would allow him to experience the consequences of choosing to separate and allow you to disentangle from all his rather odd behavior. 

Soooo in summary--you are separated. I'd stop trying to control him and in fact probably suggest becoming unentangled with his oddness. Go on living your own life and either be with him (aka living together in a marriage) or do not be in contact with him.


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Hi Dee~
> 
> I'm looking over your situation and I have to admit, I'm a little confused. You two have been separated for FIVE YEARS? did I read that right. And after five years time neither one of you has filed for divorce or made progress so that you can reconcile? Honestly, you're right. That is an odd situation.
> 
> ...


Hi .. thanks so much for your post. 

To sum it up, if it were as easy as you wrote it out, I wouldn't be here. 

I know it sounds black & white, and for many, it would be ... but for us, obviously, it's not. I still love him ... and he states he loves me. But both of us have lost respect for the other, and aren't very happy. It's crazy for sure.

It's as if we never separated really ... just living in different places. 

I think we're both crazy .... and also don't want to actually let go of the other, even though there are so many issues. I admit, I'm very mistrustful of him, not to actually sexually cheat, but of the flirting, and gawking and undressing the women he sees. He's told me he does this when I asked him why he looks so much. I REALLY didn't need to hear that!

He has a sordid past ... and I know it's his PAST ... but it's the way he looks at women, the way he disregards my feelings and emotions ... the way he could care less when I'm sick, etc, that keeps me continually on a roller coaster.

I literally get sick, if I think of leaving him and he going on with another woman. I feel so much that he's my husband ... and don't want to lose him. I have a bond with him, even with all the stuff going on. 

I have no idea why he won't go home ... I feel bad for his cats, and it just makes me crazy when he sleeps in his van. I suppose I can excuse it on bad winter nights, because the highway he has to drive, gets really bad going north, where he lives. But the other nights, it's just him being too tired to drive.

And about the diners, etc, I guess it bugs me that he's having fun with the waitresses, and eating out alone .. enjoying himself .. yet when I do go, he doesn't say much to me, still watches the women around us, and generally doesn't seem interested in me being there. Why should I go out with him? But then ... he tells me he loves me, he doesn't want a divorce, he's not looking for anyone else ... yikes!

I have drove to his van (walmart) several times, to check and see if he's there. Why do I do this? Because I'd rather find out, if there IS something going on, at this point in our life, and know where I stand finally .. than to be duped or lied to. Each time I've gone, he's there .. sleeping alone. Pretty much, wherever he is, I can call on his cell, and he'll answer.

Gosh, never meant to go on this long. Just trying to explain things a bit clearer.


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

And yes, we've been living separate for 5 years.

We also agreed with the separation, that it was to hopefully reconcile if possible ... some day. He's the one who wanted me to leave, but I admit, I agreed (after leaving twice and coming back, because I couldn't stay away), that it was best this way, since there was so much tension in the home.

And .. we have gone to counseling. I'll explain what happened there, if anyone wants to know.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sorry, but even with your clarifications, it still sounds pretty strange.

If you don't live with him, don't like to go out with him (because he looks at/flirts with women) and dont RESPECT him, maybe - just maybe - its time to move on - right?

His sleeping in the van and looking at other women, despite your protests, sounds like he has a better grasp of what a separation is than you do.

But hey - if it makes you happy (which it doesn't sound like it does), then who am I to criticize?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Lots of people still love the person they divorce...but love isn't enough. You have to have trust and you have to have respect. You guys don't and have done nothing over the last 5 years to build those back up. I think you might be both clinging together for comforts sake - your familiar with each others issues and if you divorce you might have to get use to someone elses and that's scary (The devil you know is better than the devil you don't).


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Sorry, but even with your clarifications, it still sounds pretty strange.
> 
> If you don't live with him, don't like to go out with him (because he looks at/flirts with women) and dont RESPECT him, maybe - just maybe - its time to move on - right?
> 
> ...


Hi guy: I know it sounds as if that's the answer ... and I guess I came here, because I wanted to know if some of the things I've been getting so upset with him about, are things that others would be upset about also, or if I were just too paranoid or jealous.

I just honestly don't know if I'm wrong in these areas or not. Maybe I'm losing respect for him, for things he's NOT doing wrong. But I h ave no way of knowing this, since I question my thoughts and feelings. 

People say 'go with your gut' ..... but my gut has been wrong so many times, that I don't trust that anymore. I tend to be very sensitive ... but I don't know if it's OVERLY sensitive .. or just being who I am ... and a woman, ya know?

So like the 'eating out' situation, am I being way too paranoid about this, too jealous, too suspicious ... or is my gut telling me something? Is he going there for contact with other women, to flirt, to look ... to satisfy some underlying sexual need, that may one day lead to him finding someone he relates to better than me, or starts to have feelings for?

Those are the things I need to talk out here ... to figure out in my head, if it's me being way too sensitive with these things, or is it him .... making me crazy, because he never really seems to be satisfied with just me ... and keeps me confused or makes it seem like it's always my fault .. so I'll let up on it .. and end up apologizing and it gets swept under the rug.

I feel:


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

The sleeping in the van behavior does remind me a bit of bipolar behavior where sometimes people check into hotels and sleep for days. It may be an act to try to desensitize his environment. There may be a mental illness there.

Just a hypothesis.


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

TNgirl232 said:


> Lots of people still love the person they divorce...but love isn't enough. You have to have trust and you have to have respect. You guys don't and have done nothing over the last 5 years to build those back up. I think you might be both clinging together for comforts sake - your familiar with each others issues and if you divorce you might have to get use to someone elses and that's scary (The devil you know is better than the devil you don't).


I absolutely see your point .. and agree with you, but:

What I need to figure out is, am I losing respect for him, because I'm the one who's being paranoid or too suspicious for things that he's not doing wrong? Or is what he's doing, disrespectful and causing me to feel this way?

I admit it's hard to think of life without him, even with all this going on. Yes, we are comfortable with each other ... and believe it or not, sex is still good .. but we just can't seem to get past certain issues. You would think by now, if he didn't truly love me deeply, he would have filed for divorce ... started dating someone else, etc. But he's not made one attempt to do either of those things.

I will say though, he never filed for divorce from his first wife .. she ended up doing it. I can definitely say for sure, that he would never want to look like the 'bad guy' and divorce me, because he is SO concerned about what his family and friends think of him! He goes to great lengths to make sure he's a great guy in their eyes, even if it means he hurts ME ... yet he doesn't care that I'm hurt or he's always angry and uncaring to me.

This is all so messed up. :crazy:


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

I question if he's always so angry and uncaring, because of my accusations and suspicions.

Yet, his actions and uncaring ... cause me to be suspicious and paranoid.

UGH!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

dee_doodle said:


> So like the 'eating out' situation, am I being way too paranoid about this, too jealous, too suspicious ... or is my gut telling me something? Is he going there for contact with other women, to flirt, to look ... to satisfy some underlying sexual need, that may one day lead to him finding someone he relates to better than me, or starts to have feelings for?


The diner thing could be a way of getting female attention, but if he was really looking for SEXUAL attention, wouldn't he be going to bars, or Hooters, or strip joints?

His comment about undressing women with his eyes - could he have just been messing with your head?

And I guess I don't really see sleeping in his van as a huge deal either. A little weird - yes.

It feels like a strange question, but did you two ever talk about the "rules" of your separation?


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> The sleeping in the van behavior does remind me a bit of bipolar behavior where sometimes people check into hotels and sleep for days. It may be an act to try to desensitize his environment. There may be a mental illness there.
> 
> Just a hypothesis.


Well, he only sleeps in the van for the night. Most mornings, he's up at 7:00 to go to his part-time job or to his brother's house to work on the groomer. He sometimes sleeps later, until 8 or 9:00, but never more than that. 

On occasion, he does spend the night here, but I try to limit that to very few times.

I asked him many times, why he does this and he says ... well, it's better than falling to sleep at the wheel. That's true .. but then if he left earlier to go home (as someone mentioned) that might not happen. I know he has almost fallen to sleep on several occasions while driving when he's tired. Sometimes he'll pull over and take a nap then continue.

He sees nothing wrong with it ... but then again, he sees nothing wrong with being greasy and having extremely dirty hands, no matter where we go together. He usually leaves on his work clothes to go eat with me, or come over here to visit. When I nicely ask that he change first .. he gets all bent out of shape.

His childhood was crazy too ... so not sure how much that has to do with any of this.


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> The diner thing could be a way of getting female attention, but if he was really looking for SEXUAL attention, wouldn't he be going to bars, or Hooters, or strip joints?
> 
> His comment about undressing women with his eyes - could he have just been messing with your head?
> 
> ...


Hi again guy: Well, I guess he would perhaps go to those places, but I'm not with him 24 hours, so I can't TRULY say he hasn't or doesn't. I do know he gave up drinking several years ago, and hasn't drank since.

His comment on undressing women was straight up, he was very serious ... unless he knew what he was doing and did it on purpose. That's sickening to think. 

The van situation .. I guess, bugs me because, I never know if after we talk at night, if he truly sleeps the whole night, or if he gets up and goes somewhere else. I did say I checked on him a few times .. but not every time.

I also feel weird about him just being 'out there' running around from store to store, eating out alone, etc. It's just a weird way to live and it's MY husband out there ... just strange and uncomfortable.

The only thing we talked about the separation was, that we still loved each other, and we wanted to try and save the marriage. We weren't separating to date other people, or to look for something else. We were hoping counseling and time and space, might do it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'll be honest--this all sounds like an unhealthy, crazy situation to me. 

Since no one else will say it, I will. I believe this whole relationship is extremely unhealthy. In my opinion you are the one who's definitely paranoid or too suspicious. He is a fully-grown man from whom you are separated for five years--and you keep tabs on him to the point you know that he goes to diners and "undresses the waitresses with his eyes"? I'm sorry but what is that? 

I don't see how he can be disrespectful and making you feel that way when a) our spouses do not "make" us feel or do anything and b) he is separated from you. Separated means "not together." 

I'll be honest. Speaking to you as a friend, I'd strongly recommend that you see a therapist and begin working on yourself, and immediately start disentangling yourself from him and his life. Don't worry about him. He is not in your life anymore...and is behaving unusually but that's his choice. YOUR choice is to stay involved with someone who is rejecting you, who doesn't want to be with you, and who doesn't value you enough to make the effort to reconcile with you after five years. I would say that a fairly major question you need to investigate is WHY? Why are you willing to allow that kind of treatment in your life? Why do you not value yourself enough to say, "I will be with someone who is into me and wants to spend his life building a secure, loving relationship with me" and not accepting less. 

In summary, I do think you are being paranoid, jealous and suspicious considering the circumstance that you two have been separated for five years. Separated means "not together." Thus, I would say either actually BE not together or reconcile. Continuing as it is now is unhealthy and yep--a lot of that is your own issue not his. 

(Although sleeping in the van in the Walmart parking lot is...strange.)


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Before I respond to your post ... I'd like to say something:

For all the 13 years we've been together, I've always been there for him, supported him, stood up for him, never denied him sex, etc. When he was sick, I was there ... and cared for him, worried about him. Recently, he had a scare .. thought it was a heart attack, which turned out to be dehydration .. but for those few days, I was a basket case.

When I've been sick, and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Lupus, he didn't even believe it .. he thought I was just lazy. He still doesn't truly believe it. It wasn't that he didn't understand, he didn't care to. I was burning up with fever from the flu, we lived in the middle of nowhere .. and he left me alone, and went to the races with his family. I called him to come home early, since I was so sick, I could hardly get up to go to the bathroom, and he got angry. When he did get home, he could have cared less about me.

Even now, when my heart goes out of rythmn (I have MVPS), and I get scared, he doesn't even pay attention ... if he's not here and we're talking on phone, he just tunes me out. It's heart breaking and tears me apart inside .. I just don't understand it. He says he LOVES me?

And so ... from that and many other things that I haven't said ... I've lost my trust in him, not trust to cheat, but trust him with my life, emotions, care, my heart. I've lost respect for him as a man, when he doesn't care when I have episodes of urgent health issues. How can someone love you and not care? I was scared to death, when I thought he might die!

And so ... just a bit of WHY I am the way I am.

My answers will be in bold:

===============================================

I'll be honest--this all sounds like an unhealthy, crazy situation to me. 

*Yes, it IS an unhealthy crazy situation.*

Since no one else will say it, I will. I believe this whole relationship is extremely unhealthy. In my opinion you are the one who's definitely paranoid or too suspicious. He is a fully-grown man from whom you are separated for five years--and you keep tabs on him to the point you know that he goes to diners and "undresses the waitresses with his eyes"? I'm sorry but what is that? 

*What that is is, my fear of him finding someone else that he'd rather be with ... from lack of attention and love and care ... as said above. I happen to ask him WHY he has to gawk so much at women, when he's with me ... because it makes me feel very disrespected .. and his response was that he sometimes undresses a woman.*

I don't see how he can be disrespectful and making you feel that way when a) our spouses do not "make" us feel or do anything and b) he is separated from you. Separated means "not together." 

*I've always disagreed with that statement .. the ones we love CAN hurt us and make us feel sad, heartbroken, etc. *

I'll be honest. Speaking to you as a friend, I'd strongly recommend that you see a therapist and begin working on yourself, and immediately start disentangling yourself from him and his life.

*I agree with you here ... and I have had therapy in the past, but this truly is not all me, if you knew more, you'd begin to see that. But I'm not saying that nothing is my fault, not at all ... which is why I'm here. Right now, I can't go to therapy, because there are no therapists/counselors in my area that take my insurance.*

Don't worry about him. He is not in your life anymore...and is behaving unusually but that's his choice. YOUR choice is to stay involved with someone who is rejecting you, who doesn't want to be with you, and who doesn't value you enough to make the effort to reconcile with you after five years. 

*Then why, when I ask him ... if he wants to go .. wants to divorce, or if he doesn't love me anymore .. does he tell me no, he doesn't want a divorce, and yes, he still loves me and wants to be with me? True though ... he doesn't seem willing to make any changes within himself, to help this marriage. That part I dont' understand.*

I would say that a fairly major question you need to investigate is WHY? Why are you willing to allow that kind of treatment in your life? Why do you not value yourself enough to say, "I will be with someone who is into me and wants to spend his life building a secure, loving relationship with me" and not accepting less. 

*You've asked the MILLION DOLLAR question .. and I can't answer that. If I could, I'd figure it out and be on my way. I'm frozen, that's how I'd describe it ... and I don't know why. I mean, I do know that I love this man .. and feel bonded to him and loyal to him. But I just don't feel he cares enough of my happiness .. to admit to his side and take responsibility for it. *

In summary, I do think you are being paranoid, jealous and suspicious considering the circumstance that you two have been separated for five years. 

*Yes, I probably am ... some is from 'real' reasons, some is my own paranoia and jealousy.
I need to figure out which is which .. and what can be done.*

Separated means "not together." Thus, I would say either actually BE not together or reconcile. Continuing as it is now is unhealthy

*I know it is ... and something has to give soon, because I'm not able to take much more of this.*

and yep--a lot of that is your own issue not his. 
*
Again, you only know so much ... it would take allot more posts, to tell everything. But I am not denying, I have my fault here too.*

(Although sleeping in the van in the Walmart parking lot is...strange.) *Very strange!*


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Just wondering .... anybody else out there, care to give their opinion on my situation?

I'd love to hear what others think also.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

dee_doodle said:


> Just wondering .... anybody else out there, care to give their opinion on my situation?
> 
> I'd love to hear what others think also.


I think you need to formally end this quasimarriage and move on with your life. Life's short and time is flying by where you could be investing in your happiness. You're stuck in limbo and he behaves oddly.

Move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You aren't being paranoid...you are just trying to make something illogical become logical. It doesn't work!

I've tried in my marriage.

The others are right. You can still love someone and not be married. It takes two people to work it out.

If your life has been this way for 5 years (separated) and nothing has changed...what do you expect the other 5 years to be like?


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Yesterday I agreed to go to a hot dog roast for the snowmobile club, even though my heart wasn't in it. Now I know many of you drink, and find nothing wrong with it .. and that's fine for you, but for me, it makes me totally uncomfortable to be around much, because my first husband was an alcoholic. At this roast, there's lots of drinking .. but I don't mind being there for the first hour or two .... when it's much more calm. As the day goes on and the night creeps up, it gets really wild. 

So I asked husband if we could just stay a couple of hours, he was fine with that, all though wanted to stay longer. So we go ... and it goes fine for awhile ... but it's very cold out, and all though we go inside off and on to warm up, or stand by the campfire, my fibromyalgia is acting up and I'm exhausted. So after 2 1/2 hours, I say I need to go. Husband says yeah, but keeps talking ... talking .. talking. 

Also ... every so often, when the TEENAGE girls pass by, and I'm talking a little mite of a 14, year old ... one was even younger looking, maybe 13 .. he would follow her ass until it was out of sight. He didn't think I saw of course, and it made me sick. You have to know, that when he was married to first wife ... and was 32 years old, he started having sex with their 16 year old babysitter. 

No, it wasn't when he was married to me ... but still ... I never found out about that, until after we were married.

So I finally got him to leave .. and asked if we could have a cup of coffee somewhere, so I could relax before driving home. We did, but he said he was going back to the roast when I leave. I asked if he please would not, because it was getting wild now ... and it made me uncomfortable for him to be there. He got very angry, and said that's ridiculous .. that he wanted to talk snowmobiling with his friends and that me asking him that was just controling. I tried to explain that wasn't my intention at all .. that it really made me uncomfortable (and of course, I KNOW how he is with flirting and gawking). But he just got mad and didn't seem to care how it made me feel.

He told me that maybe it hurt HIM, when I tried to control what he did with his friends.
For one, he isn't hurt, as much as angry .. because he sees everything as control, never negotiations in marriage .. or compromise. It's all his way, or there's anger and he just does it anyway. It was so infuriating .. and yet so very sad. I of course, left hurt and angry, he went back to party for another 2 hours ... and whatever I felt, was pushed under the rug again. I'm the one who called later to make sure he got home safe ... all though he didn't go straight home, he had to stop at 2 stores to shop around, and finally did go HOME to sleep. 

I know you all are telling me to just end this. And I'm sure eventually, that's what may happen, but right now, I really would appreciate some of you, commenting on the situations that are going on, the problems at hand .. such as what happened yesterday. It helps me figure out (even if it's slower than some of you might want to see), why I hang on, where I'm wrong and if there IS truly any abuse (emotional) going on here, or it's all just me ... 

I'm surprised and hurt .. maybe a bit angry, that so many are commenting on other posts, and some seem just as over as my marriage .. yet they do help them figure things out, as they try to make a decision. That's all I want ... and am asking for. It's never cut and dry, and just end it mid love ... there are emotions and raw feelings that have to be sorted out first. That's what I'm going through now .. maybe for the first time in 5 years, I'm seeing things clearer ... or am ending my patience. But I'm just needing a few people to help me through ... to talk with me, to sort things out .. so I can maybe be more at peace with my final decision. I hope that makes sense.

It's hard to reply with a long post, and have no response. 

Thanks for listening.


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

michzz said:


> I think you need to formally end this quasimarriage and move on with your life. Life's short and time is flying by where you could be investing in your happiness. You're stuck in limbo and he behaves oddly.
> 
> Move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you honestly believe it's that simple for most people? Or at least for 'some' people?

It's not ... sometimes people have to sort out their head, thoughts, emotions ... before making that final cut. That's what I'm trying to do there .... and hoping for a few people to help me through it .. even if it's taking one situation at a time.

I know it's easy to just tell someone to move on .. but that's not how our minds and hearts work, or at least some of us.

Maybe read my last post .. and comment on how you feel about what happened. That would help me more. When someone just tells me to end it and move on ... that's too fast of a solution and I'm not there yet.


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> You aren't being paranoid...you are just trying to make something illogical become logical. It doesn't work!
> 
> I've tried in my marriage.
> 
> ...



Well, maybe I am trying to make something illogical, logical ... but I need to know that's really true. I need a few folks to hang in there with me, and walk (and talk) through situations with me, to allow me (maybe from hearing others perspectives) to see what I'm not seeing.

I realize you can still love someone and not be married ... I'm SO trying to have help in figuring out what I'm doing wrong here .. and what I'm not. He has such a way of making me confused ... and doubt myself, that I'm truly not sure which is which.

With outsiders looking in, maybe I can sort it out. To me, that makes sense ... I just hope some of you would be willing to do that.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

I believe you are getting the responses you are getting because from the outside looking in it's easy to say let him go. I know though when you love someone it isn't that easy at all. You start to second guess everything about yourself and when they lay all the blame on you, when you are doing everything in your power for them to just see they love you, you will do whatever it takes.

You sound a lot like me, as in I am codependent. During our marriage when H would do things that I thought were inappropriate, I would ask him not to do those things. When in reality he is grown and if he really WANTS to go to parties and WANTS to look at young girls there is nothing you can do to stop him. I know it is so hard because you just want him to see, you want him to see the love you have for him. When he doesn't reciprocate, the little daggers slowly start sticking in your heart. I know you are looking for answers but those answers you are seeking will always elude you. For the simple fact that none of the begging, questioning, asking politely, etc will do nothing but cause him to feel you are controlling his life. I know all about doubting myself. The truth is maybe you aren't wrong either, you are just with someone who doesn't want the same thing. All I wanted from my H was to know that he cared about me, to know that he would be by my side thru anything. I got the answer I was searching for, just not the one I was hoping he would choose....he walked out. 


As someone very wise told me....If he wanted to be there he would be.....It's a hard pill to swallow and not the answer you are looking for but until he decides to act differently there isn't a whole lot you can do to sway him your way.

I sat and analyzed his every move and word until I was driving myself crazy trying to be someone I'm not. You deserve someone who WILL stand by you and be there with you when you are sick. That isn't something you should have to ask someone to do.


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Thank you SO much for taking the time to respond Whattodo17, I've sent you a PM.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

YES!! What she said! :iagree: Whattodo17 you said that so well!

dee_doodle this is not a matter of us saying to you "Oh just leave" because that is not honoring to your vow. From what you describe you may be trying to honor your vow but it sounds like he really isn't. I don't hear anything that sounds like he is willing to honor you with the respect of being his wife. That's why I asked you about WHY? Why are you willing to be with someone who does not treat you with love? Why are you willing to accept emotional crumbs from someone? 

My guess is that he doesn't want to divorce you because that would involve some effort and because right now he sort of has his cake and eats it too. He is free (separated) to live elsewhere and flirt, but he's also got a safety net in case things don't work out. So you're like a second choice at best! 

Dee_doodle, I don't believe that any of us "deserve someone better." That's sort of silly. But what we do deserve is to love ourselves enough to not be treated like that. You are a smart, beautiful, caring woman and you have a lot to offer. I can see that here on a forum!


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

Will be back in later this afternoon ... but wanted to say, today for the first time ... I called him and told HIM that I was busy all day, cleaning my apt. having a private tenants meeting for a few neighbors in my apt., grocery shopping, and watching The Bachelor. 

He said .. jokingly, ok ok .. you have enough excuses .. I get the picture. I mean, he wasn't mad or anything, but I've never done that before, so he's making it a joke that I'm making excuses not to see him. Today I feel strong ... but I have days like this and then I have weak days, when the depression hits again. I mean to say, that I have clinical depression and am working on finding the right med for me .. so it's very real when it hits .. and I hate it.

Well, wish me luck in sticking to not seeing him today.


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

UGH! Pushed a disk out on my back ... was in excruciating pain all afternoon yesterday and last night. Finally got pain pills from doctor and have kicked in a bit. Still very hard to move much.

Looks to me, that my situation has been forgotten here ... and I'm not going to have anyone supporting me along the way, save for one person who is keeping in touch through PMs.

That saddens me .... but well, maybe it's because I'm not doing what YOU think I should be doing, in the way you think I should be doing it. Sorry ... life doesn't fit all the same.


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## dee_doodle (Feb 19, 2010)

I believe you are getting the responses you are getting because from the outside looking in it's easy to say let him go. I know though when you love someone it isn't that easy at all. You start to second guess everything about yourself and when they lay all the blame on you, when you are doing everything in your power for them to just see they love you, you will do whatever it takes.
*
SO true! Thanks for understanding that.*

You sound a lot like me, as in I am codependent. During our marriage when H would do things that I thought were inappropriate, I would ask him not to do those things. When in reality he is grown and if he really WANTS to go to parties and WANTS to look at young girls there is nothing you can do to stop him. I know it is so hard because you just want him to see, you want him to see the love you have for him. When he doesn't reciprocate, the little daggers slowly start sticking in your heart. I know you are looking for answers but those answers you are seeking will always elude you. For the simple fact that none of the begging, questioning, asking politely, etc will do nothing but cause him to feel you are controlling his life. I know all about doubting myself. The truth is maybe you aren't wrong either, you are just with someone who doesn't want the same thing. All I wanted from my H was to know that he cared about me, to know that he would be by my side thru anything. I got the answer I was searching for, just not the one I was hoping he would choose....he walked out. 

*Wow .. you sound like you're reading my life book! Except he hasn't 'walked out', we're separated though .. and to me, even though he says he's not looking to divorce or looking for someone else .. it sure seems he has 'walked out' emotionally.*


As someone very wise told me....If he wanted to be there he would be.....It's a hard pill to swallow and not the answer you are looking for but until he decides to act differently there isn't a whole lot you can do to sway him your way.
*
That's very true ... I know. *

I sat and analyzed his every move and word until I was driving myself crazy trying to be someone I'm not.

*Again .. so similiar to me ... I keep trying to please 'him' .. and I get lost in the process.*

You deserve someone who WILL stand by you and be there with you when you are sick. That isn't something you should have to ask someone to do.

*Wow .. there ARE men like that? Right now, I can't believe that .... I just can't. I wish I could .. but I don't trust men at all now ..after two failed marriages and so many broken hearts.*


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

dee-I hate that you hurt your back! That sounds terribly painful!

So proud of you for telling him you were busy. Either way, even if it does turn out that he doesn't care you are taking the right steps in moving on. You may find out though that he will start calling you more often or getting angry when you don't see him. 

I don't know if you read alot but I read a great book that really has helped me thru some tough times. It's called "Codependent No More". It's a wonderful book!

Hope your back starts feeling better.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you need counseling. You don't trust yourself, so how could you trust anyone else, including him? Perhaps you unconsciously chose him, in the first place, b/c he's untrustworthy--certainly, his behaviors are not designed to make you feel confident (although I would say, there is NO design behind them).

Your inability to feel good about your own decisions and let go of the consequences--good or bad--seems to be at the root of this. There is almost NO decision so bad you can't get over it. Seriously. I let fear of making a "bad" decision keep me in an unhappy marriage until I realized, "So what if it is the 'worst' decision of my life. I can make a new life!" And of course, it did not turn out to be a bad decision, but I have made bad decisions in the past, and yet, here I am, happy today. 

When you realize you cannot control everything, all you can do is choose to respond as best and as positively as you can, things get easier. You could choose to continue as you are, letting go of your worries about what he's doing--how does it interfere with your life, anyway, except for you worrying about it? Or, get divorced and move on. You can be perfectly happy alone or even with someone else. I think you are spending way too much time and energy worrying when you need to make a decision and then live with it--and the reason you can't is, you are afraid to live with the consequences of your own decision. Get some help dealing with that and you will be much happier, no matter what you decide to do about the marriage.


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