# Crippling depression-is divorce insensitive?



## boygirlmom (Feb 25, 2019)

My husband has recently been diagnosed with severe depression, and throughout our marriage their has been petty fights and not a lot of good to weigh out the bad, to be brief. We've been together for 8 years and married for 6. We have 2 kids age 6 and 3. 

Since depression has been going on with my husband for his entire life, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel that it will end anytime soon. (He had an abusive childhood) it broke my heart when I found out what he had to go through as a child. ( For awhile I was in aware of what specifically happened.)

My husband goes through two emotions lately, irritability/anger inside of him or deep sadness and depression. Or just isolation and doing his own thing. This lasted for about a year. Before, he at least seemed to appear to be happy some of the time. Although irritability has been part of the marriage for the entire time. 

Lately we don't connect. Even on date nights they are dull, for my husband seems to be so numb their is no emotion. It's sad, and I want to be there for him but it's taking a toll on the marriage.

Bit of background:
because of the petty fights and hardships in the marriage, it was hard for me to keep the spark I once had for him. It seemed we were happy for 2 months dating, and things got serious between us too fast. His stepdad kicked him out so he came to live with my dad and I. We were both 21 at the time. I knew his stepdad could "be a jerk" But I was unaware of any abuse at the time. I figured we were doing well, so why not. We moved out shortly, in only 3 months and I decided to move in as well. Things we're still good, although we did have some hiccups. After moving out, we fought quite a lot. I blamed the stress, and decided to chug through since at least 70% of the time things we're good. I got pregnant a year later and had our son.

I kept making up excuses for how he would treat me, like that he was irritable from the stress of having a kid, and so forth. 

It wasn't until about a year ago he was having chronic pain that lead him to a diagnosis being nerve damage, from ignored depression deep inside of him. The anti depressants he was taking made his moods really come out, and he hasn't been the same since. The pain started about a year ago, but it took awhile for the doctors to figure out what was wrong so we recently came to the diagnosis. The antidepressants made him so depressed he ended up in an institute for three days. 

I feel like it was a blessing in disguise, cause of years I tried to tell him I thought something deeper may be going on but he always made it seem like fights were my fault, and denied anything was wrong. So now he finally is getting help. 

He goes to group therapy 3 times a week, and we are waiting for medication to be prescribed to be careful we get the right one. he's been doing this about 2 months. I know it's going to take time, even years...so I'm aware even medication isn't going to be a quick fix.

But as of now he just keeps to himself. I went to a therapy session to figure out my role in all this, and simply put it was to respect whatever it was he needed. If that was space or for me to just be around then that's how I can help. But it's lonely. I feel more as of a care taker. And all the while I have to be there emotionally for everyone. My husband doesnt really interact positively with anyone of us right now, just snaps, or wants to be left alone. Even at the kids, which is tough for me. I try to be the missing link in my kids life, and give them the attention and be a good parent role model to make up for it.

My question is this: would you stay or go? How long would you be able to wait to see if there were going to be any positive changes within your spouse? And my husband is slightly suicidal. Would it change your mind if divorce brought them over the edge where they might harm themselves?

I will add that he does have good morals and we would seem to be a great match if only he had the kindness and patience. it does show some of the time he does try, but it's so hard for him to stay that way. It will only last minutes then he's back to being numb for awhile. So I know he loves me it's just hard for him to show it, cause of his depression.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Tough situation. If my spouse had a crippling physical issue, say she contracted a disease that left her a quadriplegic, would I stay with her? Of course I would. But what about the situation you are in where the disability is mental instead of physical? Does that make it OK to leave someone that you married? It's tough.

My gut feeling is that as long as she was trying and as long as I had hope, I would stay. I would stay and I would commit myself to helping her. That's what I'd want to do. But I'm not living it. I can say how I'd like to behave, but I can't predict how I would behave. 

Err on the side of love. Good luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I commented on your previous thread regarding his depression. He reminds me so much of my first husband. But at least yours is making some kind of effort to get help. That does actually make your situation a little tougher if you want to leave. My ex went on meds after I left him, and he told me how much better he felt and that he wished he had started them years before. (I had told him while we were married that I thought he was depressed and needed help) 

Unfortunately, he only took them maybe two years and then stopped. This is something for you to consider. Once they finally do find the right med or med combo, its up to them to keep taking it. I would suggest maybe you set a time limit in your mind, to give him a chance to find the right meds and also give him a chance to see how he functions and interacts once he does. As I said on your previous post, this is all up to him. You cant make him try or stay on meds, but you may want to mention once they kick in, that he must stay on them in order for your marriage to work. (given of course that things are improving at that point) I know you say you think he is suicidal, which is scary, but also not your responsibility. I know you think that leaving him sounds cruel... but you do need to protect yourself and your children. A depressed parent is a toxic environment, just ask my daughter. This is why I suggest a time limit for yourself. Give things 6 months, a year, whatever time frame you think you can deal with, and see how he does. Hopefully between the right meds and therapy, he will start feeling better and be a more present husband and dad, and actually start living life. If not, then there is no shame in you leaving if thats what you feel is best for you. No guilt. You would not be a bad person for seeking a better path for yourself and your kids.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Wow, this is really tough. I would think on one hand, you've come this far, give it a little more time. On the other hand, you are his wife, not his mom, and there are things YOU are supposed to get out of a marriage too.

Does he want to be married to you? If he isolates himself from you, I understand that is due to the depression, but if he's that depressed does he even care if you are married or not?

At any rate, I would come up with a timeline, like maybe 6 months? Where you'll stick it out but if you don't see improvement by then you're leaving.

The one thing I would no longer tolerate at all is the irritability. Numbness is one thing, obviously long term you need him available emotionally or you're going to be miserable. But short term, it is not acceptable for him to be irritable. He can FEEL irritated, but it's not okay to express that at you and the kids.

My ex was irritable. The slightest thing went wrong and he would snap at me. "Go, leave. I need to be alone. Take the dogs with you."

Now I'm dating a guy who when things go wrong and he feels down he NEVER takes it out on me. If anything, he is happy I'm there with him so he's not going through whatever it is alone. It is SO DIFFERENT. And SO WONDERFUL.

I would draw a line in the sand on the irritability. He's depressed and he knows it. He needs to learn how to control how he treats you and the children. You also have to think about your children growing up in a house with someone irritable and severely depressed. And be aware that depression can be hereditary so keep an eye on them as they age.

RE Suicide. That is really tough. I would not leave him right NOW when he's finally doing something about this and coming to terms with it. But I also would not stay a lifetime in an unhappy marriage for fear my spouse might commit suicide if I left. At some point he is going to have to find his way. 

I'd hang in there for awhile but know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Either he will get better and you may find you're actually quite happy together. Or things will become intolerable to you and you will find you are unwilling to stay. Either way, what you're experiencing right now is not what the rest of your life is going to look like.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Well, here is the thing, you have two kids with him, its not like you can toss him aside so easy. It may not be roses and everything you thought marriage should be, but rarely is it. 

I would say since he is trying, to give it some time. The right meds could improve his mood drastically. Then see how it works. I mean it sounds like he is a decent guy, just has some issues that he is working on.


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## boygirlmom (Feb 25, 2019)

Thank you all for the input. it's easier to have hope for the marriage now, since he is finally getting help. It is true that time will tell how this will go. In the end I will have to choose my own happiness, whether that means our marriage becomes incredibly strong, or I leave because he was always meant to work on himself first. Thanks whoever said I will have a light at the end of the tunnel anyway, that was really uplifting.

That's a great idea to have a timeline. And if things don't change or at least get better, I will have to do what's best for me and the kids. I guess at some point I need to live for myself and not my spouse, for my own happiness is important too. I will just have to find a way not to feel guilty if I end up leaving. I can't stay in a limbo and wear myself out in the process. 


In so glad I found this site. Thanks again everyone. 😊


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

boygirlmom said:


> In so glad I found this site. Thanks again everyone.


I would encourage you to also check out www.marriagebuilders.com. They are *really good *at fixing marriages.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Group therapy can be very counterproductive for some people.

You go and sit in a room filled with gloomy, sad and depressed people who all talk about how gloomy, sad and depressed they are.

Sometimes that makes the situation worse for some people.

It did with a friend of ours who went from being mildly depressed to needing to be hospitalised for several months and she blames the group therapy sessions.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

boygirlmom said:


> Thank you all for the input. it's easier to have hope for the marriage now, since he is finally getting help. It is true that time will tell how this will go. In the end I will have to choose my own happiness, whether that means our marriage becomes incredibly strong, or I leave because he was always meant to work on himself first. Thanks whoever said I will have a light at the end of the tunnel anyway, that was really uplifting.
> 
> That's a great idea to have a timeline. And if things don't change or at least get better, I will have to do what's best for me and the kids. I guess at some point I need to live for myself and not my spouse, for my own happiness is important too. I will just have to find a way not to feel guilty if I end up leaving. I can't stay in a limbo and wear myself out in the process.
> 
> ...


My wife has shepherded me through one major depressive episode. It came after a major life crisis, and it put me onto a psych ward. She stood by my side. When I needed space, she gave it to me, when I needed a shoulder to cry on, she was there. And I have returned the favor. And so has she, and so have I. Because that is what a husband and wife do. We have been there for each other, and to hold each other up, because the good often outweighs the bad. 

I still take meds today, am aware of what could trigger me, and now deal with a lot of it through knocking the crap out of myself at the gym.


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## boygirlmom (Feb 25, 2019)

Taxman that is awesome! in a situation like that I can understand absolutely why she stood by you, It sounds like You guys had a solid relationship before the episode. my condolences to whatever had happened to cause such an emotional battle for you and for her. 


However my situation is unfortunately different, for my husband has never been ok. Never in his whole life I'm starting to learn. I believe he has chronic depression that is now gotten to be worse. Our relationship was never truly blissful, as we had many fights almost daily after I got pregnant, only a year into our relationship.

I'm just going off of hope that my husband can turn Into someone who will be able to fulfill my simple needs. But if he has been depressed his whole life, how realistic is it that he will feel okay anytime soon? and that is my reason for considering divorce. 

I never wanted to marry a "project" or fulfill a void in someone's life. I believe you have to be happy and love yourself before you truly can love someone else. And I don't believe my husband loves himself. 

****Sorry I forget who said this, but in the comments someone said that group therapy made it worse?? Wow that does make sense since you are just hearing everyones problems. He is also going to workshops for coping with his emotions so I wonder if that should at least be helpful? Also we are going to try couples counseling which I am so thrilled for since I've been wanting this before we even got married. (I got pregnant first then we married.)

Thank for that eye opener I will surely keep an eye on that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WHEN are you going to try couples counseling?


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## boygirlmom (Feb 25, 2019)

@turnera we are going for a second time next week to a group therapy session where we will talk about communication. I also have an appointment this month with a marriage counselor, where I'll go with or without my husband if he works that day or not, we're not sure of his schedule yet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, just understand that he's an unwilling participant, just like my husband was. Who only went when I threatened divorce. And then did a half-ass job at therapy until I finally gave up. Missed half the appointments for 'important' things. 

I think you're pinning too much on expecting him to fix this. You need to have a timeline, he needs to KNOW you have a timeline, and you need to enact some boundaries and consequences for staying. And he needs to know what those are. Depressed people are all too happy to skate. Tomorrow, tomorrow. If you're not ready to walk away, you need to make it very clear that there's only one way you'll be willing to stay, and that's for him to WORK at this.

That way, when he finally just gives up, you can say "I TOLD you I had to have real commitment from you. I can't do this anymore, I can't carry you if you won't do the work."

By the end of that timeline, you'll know whether he has really done any real work and you'll be able to walk away in good conscience.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

boygirlmom said:


> Taxman that is awesome! in a situation like that I can understand absolutely why she stood by you, It sounds like You guys had a solid relationship before the episode. my condolences to whatever had happened to cause such an emotional battle for you and for her.
> 
> 
> However my situation is unfortunately different, for my husband has never been ok. Never in his whole life I'm starting to learn. I believe he has chronic depression that is now gotten to be worse. Our relationship was never truly blissful, as we had many fights almost daily after I got pregnant, only a year into our relationship.
> ...


It was me who mentioned the potential problems with group therapy. And my wife who has a Doctorate in Psychology agreed with what our friend said about the harmful side effects of it.

Couples counselling however, I agree could be very helpful potentially. Family counselling, too, may be an option.


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## waynejoey (Jun 8, 2018)

Lots a complex issues here and lots of advice. You could go in a thousand directions and still wind up lost.

I think you and your husband should go to church and ask for one of the pastors to pray over you. You may find that your faith starts to reveal a path towards healing. God is bigger than depression.

Pray for wisdom - so that you can gain understanding about what this situation really is
Pray for patience - so that you can withstand the long road ahead
Pray for hope - to turn your doubts and fears into optimism

Above all, love your husband unconditionally.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

God expects us to help ourselves, wayne. Good grief.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

turnera said:


> God expects us to help ourselves, wayne. Good grief.


Amen

Not to mention that the crappy advice to pray away depression has harmed countless Christians.


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## *IrishEyes* (Apr 7, 2018)

All I can do is share my story with you with the caveat that it is MY story and you will have to self-navigate your own. 

I am you 23 years later. I stuck it out for 31 years with an almost identical situation. Father was a monster. His childhood a nightmare. Depression related episodes smattered throughout our marriage, alcoholism, hoarding. I've been through it all. I took vows, right? Worse yet, I'm a psychologist by education (never practiced clinically - went into business) so I always felt it would be akin to an oncologist leaving their spouse for having cancer. My husband is a good man but a wounded and disruptive man. I have essentially been a caretaker and primary financial provider for over 20 years. While we've had some good years, most of them I have "endured". I learned to immerse myself in things to provide healthy outlets for myself and established a great group of friends and have a wonderful family. It wasn't until my closest friends did an intervention a year and a half ago that I'd come to realize I needed to live my life. What they helped me see was that as the years went by, he got worse and with each tick of the clock, I became more dead inside until there was hardly anything left of me. It's an insidious slide into their pathology with them that you make without knowing it. I thought I had it handled because I understood the pathology. But I didn't and thank God for my friends who helped me see this before it was too late. 

A couple of suicide attempts and the constant threat of suicide was what always hung over my head. I couldn't live with myself if I left him and he finally succeeded. Life has a way of dishing up irony and throwing a large spoonful on your plate. The irony in my marriage was that his mental illness was slowly killing me! Death by a million cuts. A year ago I decided I wanted to live and not only live, thrive, in the time I had left. And so I've been planning and working towards it for a year and on Jan. 3 told my husband I wanted a divorce. I told him we would do this in stages and that I wasn't going to abandon him, nor was the family, and we've been slowly and concretely working towards it. So far, so good. 

It's taken a lot for me to be able to separate myself from the consequences that may come from this. But it really has come down to 'it's him or me'. And I'm choosing me.

I hope this gives you some insight into your own situation. This is a VERY tough spot to be in. I know all too well. But it is not worth losing your self in or your children.


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## boygirlmom (Feb 25, 2019)

@*IrishEyes* thank you so much for your input. This is what I fear my situation will become. I feel like even if my husband gets better, I still won't be happy cause part of him will still be there.
He is quick to become insulted, and it's like he has a permanent attitude that just doesn't seem to go away. I think he will always have these traits, since this is how he was the entire 8 years. I don't think medication and therapy is going to change his personality.
I blamed these traits on stress, little did I know what was really going on. I feel like eventually we will divorce, since I know I'm not being with him for me. Thank you so much, I would hate to lose myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I often tell people to ask themselves if they would have started dating their spouse in the first place, knowing what they would have to put up with. I think in most cases it would be no. And if that's so, why stay in it now? You only get one life.


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