# Up days, down days-venting



## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

So, I had a talk with STBX. We get a court date in one month and then we're free. I asked for the talk so that we could go over money, lease, cars, etc. She told me to keep the house she is moving in with her AP. I was cool with everything until she said that-I felt like Mike Tyson punched me in the gut. Typing this now I am getting that feeling again... A minute ago she said she was going to grab a bite and I was welcome to come along-to the restaurant that used to be "our place." The last time I ate there with her she rushed the meal because she had plans. She told me she was going on a "girls night out." The truth was she was going to f*** her new buddy... This was before the balloon went up and my life went to Hell. So long and short I am sitting here hating life. Just had to vent, thanks for reading.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It is tough. But you know what - take the house and everything else you can get before she changes her mind. I made the mistake of leaving too much on the table as my ex headed for the door. It is one of my biggest regrets. I was still acting out of concern for her and assumed it would be reciprocated - it was not. Now I feel as though I have been taken to the cleaners. OTOH I can always say that I did the best I could and any future issues that she may have can never be blamed on me.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Ynot said:


> It is tough. But you know what - take the house and everything else you can get before she changes her mind. I made the mistake of leaving too much on the table as my ex headed for the door. It is one of my biggest regrets. I was still acting out of concern for her and assumed it would be reciprocated - it was not. Now I feel as though I have been taken to the cleaners. OTOH I can always say that I did the best I could and any future issues that she may have can never be blamed on me.


Oh I plan to, thanks. Is there any way I can set it up so that if someone replies to me I get a notification of some sort? I do not want to be rude and ignore people, especially accidentally.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Yep, the punch hurts bad but it is best that you conclude this while she is still in the fog. While in the fog, she will be more agreeable financially to not fight you over assets. 

When the fog wears off, she will start having the regrets. The pendulum will swing the other way then. Just hold on friend. 

BTW, keep the dogs. They are great chick magnets at dog parks.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Yep, the punch hurts bad but it is best that you conclude this while she is still in the fog. While in the fog, she will be more agreeable financially to not fight you over assets.
> 
> When the fog wears off, she will start having the regrets. The pendulum will swing the other way then. Just hold on friend.
> 
> BTW, keep the dogs. They are great chick magnets at dog parks.


I just have to keep reminding myself to STFU when that little voice starts saying "try to reconcile, you can do it!" Chick magnets? Perish the thought-I'm going to become a hermit. It is always good to have goals...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

WhyMe66 said:


> I just have to keep reminding myself to STFU when that little voice starts saying "try to reconcile, you can do it!" Chick magnets? Perish the thought-I'm going to become a hermit. It is always good to have goals...


It is good to feel that way at first. But don't succumb permanently to being a hermit. Take time to heal, then go out and become the man you want to be.
As for the fog, something most of us don't realize is that early on, we ourselves are also in a fog, hence your inner voice telling you to try to reconcile. Try to think rationally and not give in to emotions or emotional black mail.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ignore that voice. That's emotion talking. Listen to the logical side that's telling you she likely will cheat again down the road when she's bored. 

There are people who need the constant rush they get from a new relationship. It's like a drug and they spend a lot of time and energy and effort to chase that high. Sounds like she's one. 

You're better off without her. Keep telling yourself that. Out loud. It's what I did (many, many times a day) when I divorced my ex-husband.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Ynot said:


> It is good to feel that way at first. But don't succumb permanently to being a hermit. Take time to heal, then go out and become the man you want to be.
> As for the fog, something most of us don't realize is that early on, we ourselves are also in a fog, hence your inner voice telling you to try to reconcile. Try to think rationally and not give in to emotions or emotional black mail.


Good advice, thank you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Think with your head. Long term this probably will never work out so get out the best you can and move on. There are better out there.

You can waste years trying to reconcile the un reconcilable


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are doing really well WhyMe. I know you are hurting man. It is going to take a long long time to get over the hurt, but remember that none of this was your fault. Your STBXWW is a coward. She took the cowards way out instead of doing the hard work to fix what she perceived to be wrong with the marriage. She is also emotionally immature. 

Think about it. This creep may have done you the biggest favor in your life by ridding you of a woman who is not worthy of you. 

Please don't let this experience make you feel inadequate or a loser. You are the exact opposite. It is your WW who is broken and a loser. She could have done a hundred other things other than cheat. 

Have you read the 180 and started implementing it?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are doing just fine. It's extremely painful to be betrayed.

I am willing to bet one of them will cheat within the next several years. They are cheaters and that's what they do. Let her go as much as you can. 

Don't rule out anything for yourself. Be a better man and get as healthy as possible. You will then attract healthy people in your life. 

That's what I've been working on and I am doing quite well since my betrayal in Nov 2015.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Ignore that voice. That's emotion talking. Listen to the logical side that's telling you she likely will cheat again down the road when she's bored.
> 
> There are people who need the constant rush they get from a new relationship. It's like a drug and they spend a lot of time and energy and effort to chase that high. Sounds like she's one.
> 
> You're better off without her. Keep telling yourself that. Out loud. It's what I did (many, many times a day) when I divorced my ex-husband.


Yeah, I thought that there was something of "the shiny new wore off." But times like now, I just finished signing the 'waiver of service' document (after making pen-and-ink changes), I am feeling that hopelessness, that punch in the gut. That "I don't want to live without her" agony. I just can't seem to get my attention and make my heart understand what my head is saying... It is telling me that you folks have been through this, you understand what is going on better than I do, and are looking at it from a clearer perspective. But I love her so much, this is killing me!!! I feel so naked without my wedding ring...
:frown2:


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> You are doing really well WhyMe. I know you are hurting man. It is going to take a long long time to get over the hurt, but remember that none of this was your fault. Your STBXWW is a coward. She took the cowards way out instead of doing the hard work to fix what she perceived to be wrong with the marriage. She is also emotionally immature.
> 
> Think about it. This creep may have done you the biggest favor in your life by ridding you of a woman who is not worthy of you.
> 
> ...


She said that when she was working on it I wasn't and vice versa. I am also damaged, not something I want to discuss in an open forum though..
I thought I read something about 180 somewhere in here, forgot where. Have a link?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

WhyMe66 said:


> Yeah, I thought that there was something of "the shiny new wore off." But times like now, I just finished signing the 'waiver of service' document (after making pen-and-ink changes), I am feeling that hopelessness, that punch in the gut. That "I don't want to live without her" agony. I just can't seem to get my attention and make my heart understand what my head is saying... It is telling me that you folks have been through this, you understand what is going on better than I do, and are looking at it from a clearer perspective. But I love her so much. this is killing me!!! I feel so naked without my wedding ring...
> :frown2:


These emotions will come/go every step of the way. Allow them to happen, get support, and don't put to much pressure on yourself.

I have no idea, at this point, why I wanted my husband back after the severe act of cruel betrayal on our vacation and after we arrived home. I guess I wanted him...the old him. The him I remember in good and fun days. He hasn't been that way in a few years. 

Soooo....even though they are azzes, we still crave the old them. That's ok. We love deep. That's good. It still sucks.

You will walk through the pain. It does get better.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Corpuswife said:


> You are doing just fine. It's extremely painful to be betrayed.
> 
> I am willing to bet one of them will cheat within the next several years. They are cheaters and that's what they do. Let her go as much as you can.
> 
> ...


Thanks but I am really, seriously and absolutely disinterested in dating.

Funny thing-this past Saturday she got the boot from him! He's gone back to his ex/remarried to wife... She is devastated.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WhyMe66 said:


> *She said that when she was working on it I wasn't and vice versa. I am also damaged,* not something I want to discuss in an open forum though..
> I thought I read something about 180 somewhere in here, forgot where. Have a link?


What the fvck does that have to do with her? 

She could have divorced you legally and then when the divorce was final, she could have started dating. 

No... she is blame-shifting and rewriting history, because I doubt highly you would have blatantly ignored her if she told you she was unhappy and asked you to work with her on the marriage. DO NOT LET HER RE-WRITE HISTORY!!!. You get in her face and tell her she is a lying sack of sh!t... and let everyone else know.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Corpuswife said:


> These emotions will come/go every step of the way. Allow them to happen, get support, and don't put to much pressure on yourself.
> 
> I have no idea, at this point, why I wanted my husband back after the severe act of cruel betrayal on our vacation and after we arrived home. I guess I wanted him...the old him. The him I remember in good and fun days. He hasn't been that way in a few years.
> 
> ...


When she first told me I was crushed. Then we went to get our taxes done she was glowing, and "so damned happy." I had a full blown meltdown when I got home. I saw her and my first thought was "it has been so long since I saw 'her' (glowing and happy)." The meltdown happened when it hit me in the gut that this look, this glow, was not for me anymore.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WhyMe66 said:


> Thanks but I am really, seriously and absolutely disinterested in dating.
> 
> Funny thing-this past Saturday she got the boot from him! He's gone back to his ex/remarried to wife... She is devastated.


Well boo-fvcking-hoo.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Well boo-fvcking-hoo.


I use "frakking" because it sounds good, is perfectly acceptable in all company, and I get to let my Nerd Flag Fly.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> What the fvck does that have to do with her?
> 
> She could have divorced you legally and then when the divorce was final, she could have started dating.
> 
> No... she is blame-shifting and rewriting history, because I doubt highly you would have blatantly ignored her if she told you she was unhappy and asked you to work with her on the marriage. DO NOT LET HER RE-WRITE HISTORY!!!. You get in her face and tell her she is a lying sack of sh!t... and let everyone else know.


I own about 15% of the blame-I was never any good at subtle hints. I thought things were going real good until she told me she filed the documents she has had since 2012!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WhyMe66 said:


> When she first told me I was crushed. Then we went to get our taxes done she was glowing, and "so damned happy." I had a full blown meltdown when I got home. I saw her and my first thought was "it has been so long since I saw 'her' (glowing and happy)." The meltdown happened when it hit me in the gut that this look, this glow, was not for me anymore.


You will have a lot of these. You just have to push through it and allow your body and mind to process the pain. I'm sorry brother, but there is no magic pill we can give you to ease the agony. 

Here is what you CAN do...

1) Eat. Eat only good, nutritious foods. Follow the standard food pyramid plan. If you cannot keep food down, drink protein shakes and electrolyte drinks. Stay away from fast food and sugar. 

2) Sleep. Get as much sleep as you can. I recommend that you take two Benadryls at around 7:00 p.m. each night. That way when you go to bed at 10:00 p.m. they are already absorbed in your system. They will help you sleep more deeply and soundly and they are not addictive like Lunesta or other sleep aides. And if you take them early, they will have worn off enough by the next morning that you won't feel so groggy. 

3) Exercise. Walk or jog five days a week and lift weights four days a week with a break in between days. 

4) Talk to someone. Anyone. Don't keep your pain bottled up. Go talk to a priest, pastor, or a good friend who will let you bend his ear. 

5) Do the 180. 

6) Stay on track with Divorce. Nestle yourself under your lawyers wing and let him do the talking for you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WhyMe66 said:


> I own about 15% of the blame-I was never any good at subtle hints. * I thought things were going real good until she told me she filed the documents she has had since 2012*!


Bunch of horsesh!t....

Hints don't qualify. If she is too much of a damned coward to sit you down and tell you she was unhappy, in very clear and concise terms, then her "hints" do not count. 

You are partly to blame for the state of the marriage. 

You are not to blame for her decision to cheat. 

She was wanting out of the marriage for a long time. You see, she has had four years to emotionally detach from you. That is why she has no remorse and seems so happy. You are four years behind her. 

She is a typical cowardly walkaway wife. Typical. They hide their feelings, make their plans, and then one day they spring it on you, and they either leave you or they engage in an "exit affair", just like this one. 

She's not that pissed OM dumped her. She's just pissed that he beat her to it. She was probably going to end it down the road anyway. Women do not like getting dumped. It hurts their pride. 

Tell her that she is a coward and a liar and that she lied to you for four years. 

You need to stand your ground when she feeds you this bullsh!t....


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Bunch of horsesh!t....
> 
> Hints don't qualify. If she is too much of a damned coward to sit you down and tell you she was unhappy, in very clear and concise terms, then her "hints" do not count.
> 
> ...


Well, there were days that I had downloaded and started the paperwork too. I even printed up an entire listing of my data so that she could file. I called her bluff and I was holding Aces and 8's.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WhyMe66 said:


> Well, there were days that I had downloaded and started the paperwork too. I even printed up an entire listing of my data so that she could file. I called her bluff and I was holding Aces and 8's.


Eh....fvck it. It's water under the bridge. Means nothing now. 

Take the advice that has been given you on this thread and take care of yourself. She's gone brother. Time for you to lick your wounds and heal and move on.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Eh....fvck it. It's water under the bridge. Means nothing now.
> 
> Take the advice that has been given you on this thread and take care of yourself. She's gone brother. Time for you to lick your wounds and heal and move on.


I know what you're saying and I am trying to but I cannot get a consensus between my head and my heart.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When I was dealing with my own set of problems, my head constantly told my heart to stop thinking the man I was dealing with was the man I thought I knew (because the truth is you never know what they are really thinking -- even when you think you do -- and so you never truly know what they are capable of). Over time, my heart listened to my head but it was a daily struggle for awhile. 

Now that she's been dumped, she could likely have a change of heart. Many WS's suddenly realize, after they are drop-kicked to the curb, that their spouse isn't so bad after all and they come slinking back -- or try to. Be prepared.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Openminded said:


> When I was dealing with my own set of problems, my head constantly told my heart to stop thinking the man I was dealing with was the man I thought I knew (because the truth is you never know what they are really thinking -- even when you think you do -- and so you never truly know what they are capable of). Over time, my heart listened to my head but it was a daily struggle for awhile.
> 
> Now that she's been dumped, she could likely have a change of heart. Many WS's suddenly realize, after they are drop-kicked to the curb, that their spouse isn't so bad after all and they come slinking back -- or try to. Be prepared.


And I am damned fool enough that if she came to me and asked for reconciliation I would fold like a wet house of cards... BUT, I asked her what this meant for our relationship and she said it didn't change anything.
Seems to me that women used to value a man that is giving, loving, respectful and nurturing. I stood by her through so much; her brother dying of brain cancer, etc. Not bragging, just stating facts.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> You will have a lot of these. You just have to push through it and allow your body and mind to process the pain. I'm sorry brother, but there is no magic pill we can give you to ease the agony.
> 
> Here is what you CAN do...
> 
> ...


7) Get out of the house. Take the dogs uppy:uppy:uppy: to the dog park or walk them often. Talk to people you want to talk to you. Reconnect with the living. I was not kidding about the dogs being chick magnets. It really really works. If you do not want to date right now, then just make friends with dog people.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Ignore that voice. That's emotion talking. Listen to the logical side that's telling you she likely will cheat again down the road when she's bored.
> 
> There are people who need the constant rush they get from a new relationship. It's like a drug and they spend a lot of time and energy and effort to chase that high. Sounds like she's one.
> 
> You're better off without her. Keep telling yourself that. Out loud. It's what I did (many, many times a day) when I divorced my ex-husband.


This is MY STBX to a T and its 1000% accurate.

She will continue down this path until she can recognize its destructive and will get her no where. The problems are

1- She may never come to this realization
2- She will continue to ruin peoples lives along the way

You can not possibly supply her with this. Its the rush of new love, while most of us understand this will fade and that's when the true relationship begins. People like your and mine stbxw cant see to that point. The only live in the moment, then once that moment or feeling fades the go looking for it again.

Brother, take EVERYTHING you can get your hands on....walk away, regroup and go find a real women!


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Also, she will make an attempt to come back now the POSOM is out of the picture. 

I beg you, don't fall for it. Shes looking for her security blanket until she finds the next knight in shinning armor.

Ive LIVED through this (still am). Dont make the same mistakes I did...I can smell it from NY my friend. 

And what they say about the dogs is true. Why do you think I fought so hard to keep my puppy Bulldog. I need a wing man!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WhyMe66 said:


> I know what you're saying and I am trying to but I cannot get a consensus between my head and my heart.


It will come. 

Fake it till you make it. Free your mind and your ass will follow. 

Train your brain to consider yourself already divorced. Every action, every thought, every decision should be that of a man who is already single. You don't need to wait for that signed court document to start considering yourself single. 

From now on she is "_the ex_"....not "_my wife_".

From now on _"I_".....not "_We"_....

From now on "_Yep_"....not "_I'll check with my wife'_....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WhyMe66 said:


> I use "frakking" because it sounds good, is perfectly acceptable in all company, and I get to let my Nerd Flag Fly.


No....

Just say it....loud and proud....

Fvck fvck fvck fvck fvck fvck fvck FVCK!!!!!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WhyMe66 said:


> .. BUT, I asked her what this meant for our relationship and she said it didn't change anything.
> 
> *Don't ever ask her this again.
> *
> ...


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

WhyMee66
I totally get where you are coming from. This all hurts so badly that you just want it to stop. Your heart tells you one thing while your head tells you another. Since my stbx cheated and we started the divorce process (this all started only about 8 weeks ago-basically out of the blue) I have been on my office floor, fetal position, crazy, sad sobbing....I have been can't stop crying sad...can't get out of bed sad...I have been cut my heart out so it doesn't hurt so much sad. I totally get where you are coming from. You feel like you can't even be in your own skin and that someone has to have a magic pill that will make you feel better because no one can take this much pain. And because it is so intense you feel like it is never going to end. I just want you to know that I understand the intense feelings you are feeling and that there is someone out there who gets it and is going through much of the same.
I saw my therapist today and when I told her about how I was feeling (basically what I said above) she said "that's grieving". What she said is that I have been deep down grieving the end of my marriage, because it is a death. It made sense to me and made me feel like at some point this overwhelming, crawling on the floor sadness will end. It gave me hope anyway. 
I also get you about not wanting to date. People keep telling me well at least you're young...you have your whole life in front of you. Don't worry about that right now, I am trying not too. Only time will tell and what we need to focus on is ourselves and getting ourselves healthy. Doing what we need to do to be healthy. Because if we aren't healthy we aren't going to find a good person to share our lives with anyway, we will be right back here just with someone else. I have been talking to a lot of people, getting support, making a plan, spending time with my son, etc. I have found that focusing my energy outside of my head helps. Everytime I can stop obsessing about him/our marriage/whats happening helps a bit...its a teeny tiny bit but at this point I will do anything that might make me feel better. Some days I literally schedule out every hour of the day and plan things to do so I won't be in my head...I have found that it helps. I think the most important thing is for you to TALK. You need support right now. And I agree with the previous feeds...she decided to cheat. No matter what was going on in the marriage before that she didn't have to make that choice. So please don't blame yourself...I know its hard but we have to try for the sake of our sanity And be kind to yourself. You didn't do this...she did.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

anewstine said:


> WhyMee66
> I totally get where you are coming from. This all hurts so badly that you just want it to stop. Your heart tells you one thing while your head tells you another. Since my stbx cheated and we started the divorce process (this all started only about 8 weeks ago-basically out of the blue) I have been on my office floor, fetal position, crazy, sad sobbing....I have been can't stop crying sad...can't get out of bed sad...I have been cut my heart out so it doesn't hurt so much sad. I totally get where you are coming from. You feel like you can't even be in your own skin and that someone has to have a magic pill that will make you feel better because no one can take this much pain. And because it is so intense you feel like it is never going to end. I just want you to know that I understand the intense feelings you are feeling and that there is someone out there who gets it and is going through much of the same.
> I saw my therapist today and when I told her about how I was feeling (basically what I said above) she said "that's grieving". What she said is that I have been deep down grieving the end of my marriage, because it is a death. It made sense to me and made me feel like at some point this overwhelming, crawling on the floor sadness will end. It gave me hope anyway.
> I also get you about not wanting to date. People keep telling me well at least you're young...you have your whole life in front of you. Don't worry about that right now, I am trying not too. Only time will tell and what we need to focus on is ourselves and getting ourselves healthy. Doing what we need to do to be healthy. Because if we aren't healthy we aren't going to find a good person to share our lives with anyway, we will be right back here just with someone else. I have been talking to a lot of people, getting support, making a plan, spending time with my son, etc. I have found that focusing my energy outside of my head helps. Everytime I can stop obsessing about him/our marriage/whats happening helps a bit...its a teeny tiny bit but at this point I will do anything that might make me feel better. Some days I literally schedule out every hour of the day and plan things to do so I won't be in my head...I have found that it helps. I think the most important thing is for you to TALK. You need support right now. And I agree with the previous feeds...she decided to cheat. No matter what was going on in the marriage before that she didn't have to make that choice. So please don't blame yourself...I know its hard but we have to try for the sake of our sanity And be kind to yourself. You didn't do this...she did.


If you're not healthy, you won't have a good life period. It won't matter what anyone else does or does not do.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

unbe said:


> This is MY STBX to a T and its 1000% accurate.
> 
> She will continue down this path until she can recognize its destructive and will get her no where. The problems are
> 
> ...


Take everything you can get your hands on, walk away, regroup, and OBSERVE yourself until you know you.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Bunch of horsesh!t....
> 
> Hints don't qualify. If she is too much of a damned coward to sit you down and tell you she was unhappy, in very clear and concise terms, then her "hints" do not count.
> 
> ...


Back when I was "wondering" why, my wife actually admitted that when I'd give her money (went to ATM every week and grabbed 150-200 in cash, always giving her at least half)... she had a voice inside her head that said, "Take 20 or 40 and stash it, just in case"

So much for generosity, eh?

Now, I don't give her a dime.

People teach you how to treat them.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Yeah, digging through the ashes I can see that this was an exit strategy. She was planning on moving in with him. They deserve each other...


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> No....
> 
> Just say it....loud and proud....
> 
> Fvck fvck fvck fvck fvck fvck fvck FVCK!!!!!!!


I'm talking about in areas such as this, mixed company and moderators that will slash and burn. What you typed is just giving me disturbing flash backs to high school Latin class.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> It will come.
> 
> Fake it till you make it. Free your mind and your ass will follow.
> 
> ...


I've already taken the first step, the biggest one: I stopped wearing my wedding ring. I would feel less naked wearing that and walking around without pants.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Brother,

As the days unfold and your fog (yes you have been in a fog during this marriage) lifts, you will start to notice glaring flags that you previously ignored. 

For example,

My soon to be X wanted her money separate and wanted to pay some bills on her own. She would say it was because she felt i controlled all the money and she didn't like that feeling. So I agreed however we split up some of the bills for her to pay. The remainder of her funds were to be allocated towards paying down debt (things in her name first, then mine)

Turns out none of it got paid down, she was stashing all that money. For what....it was all part of the exit strategy.

No access to cell phone/cell phone records (separate accounts)
Separate bank accounts. Always judged how I spent, never looked in the mirror
No access to facebook
No access to emails
Sex down to a trickle, when it did happen not interested
Never discussed anything about us/relationship. All she would do is dump on me reg work, her family, etc....

All signs that I chose to ignore and live like everything was fine. As a matter of fact rewarded with trips, unconditional love and a fixer attitude to boot.

Whyme- You wanna know whos to blame for all of this. Not her my friend...ME (and you)

Stop asking Whyyou....The answer is simple. Because you let it happen!

Never again!!!


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

66 ~

I feel your pain, nearly everyone on TAM feels your pain. 
I know you don't believe it right now, but you will be okay. 
Let her go 66, let her go.

VH


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

unbe said:


> Brother,
> 
> As the days unfold and your fog (yes you have been in a fog during this marriage) lifts, you will start to notice glaring flags that you previously ignored.
> 
> ...


Yes, yes...

Nothing but the HIGHEST levels of consideration for her.

No consideration for you.

Your questions met with vigorous defensiveness and bull**** excuses.

Her questions were "serious matters" and you had to give her a forthright response.

Many of us have been there.

Make a vow to yourself right now. You will NEVER put up with this sort of crap from any woman - ever again.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

unbe said:


> And what they say about the dogs is true. Why do you think I fought so hard to keep my puppy Bulldog. I need a wing man!!!


Dogs are loyal and do not cheat. Unconditional love.

66 needs to get out with his wing dogs.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> Yes, yes...
> 
> Nothing but the HIGHEST levels of consideration for her.
> 
> ...


Amen brother!


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

anewstine said:


> WhyMee66
> I totally get where you are coming from. This all hurts so badly that you just want it to stop. Your heart tells you one thing while your head tells you another. Since my stbx cheated and we started the divorce process (this all started only about 8 weeks ago-basically out of the blue) I have been on my office floor, fetal position, crazy, sad sobbing....I have been can't stop crying sad...can't get out of bed sad...I have been cut my heart out so it doesn't hurt so much sad. I totally get where you are coming from. You feel like you can't even be in your own skin and that someone has to have a magic pill that will make you feel better because no one can take this much pain. And because it is so intense you feel like it is never going to end. I just want you to know that I understand the intense feelings you are feeling and that there is someone out there who gets it and is going through much of the same.
> I saw my therapist today and when I told her about how I was feeling (basically what I said above) she said "that's grieving". What she said is that I have been deep down grieving the end of my marriage, because it is a death. It made sense to me and made me feel like at some point this overwhelming, crawling on the floor sadness will end. It gave me hope anyway.
> I also get you about not wanting to date. People keep telling me well at least you're young...you have your whole life in front of you. Don't worry about that right now, I am trying not too. Only time will tell and what we need to focus on is ourselves and getting ourselves healthy. Doing what we need to do to be healthy. Because if we aren't healthy we aren't going to find a good person to share our lives with anyway, we will be right back here just with someone else. I have been talking to a lot of people, getting support, making a plan, spending time with my son, etc. I have found that focusing my energy outside of my head helps. Everytime I can stop obsessing about him/our marriage/whats happening helps a bit...its a teeny tiny bit but at this point I will do anything that might make me feel better. Some days I literally schedule out every hour of the day and plan things to do so I won't be in my head...I have found that it helps. I think the most important thing is for you to TALK. You need support right now. And I agree with the previous feeds...she decided to cheat. No matter what was going on in the marriage before that she didn't have to make that choice. So please don't blame yourself...I know its hard but we have to try for the sake of our sanity And be kind to yourself. You didn't do this...she did.


Sorry it took so long to respond, I had no idea that you'd posted. Still trying to understand how some of this forum works... Easier than trying to figure out WTF she was thinking!!! I know what you are saying, I understand what all of y'all have been saying, but getting my head and my heart to agree is something totally different.

Sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I want to crawl inside a bottle and stay there until I am numb. BUT, we all know, sorrow can swim and will be there when I do get out of bed. Besides, I am a creature of habit and duty-I can't shirk responsibilities. Not wired that way and I keep thinking of an old Gunnery Sergeant that would put his boot up my six if I did.

I know I didn't do this, she did, but I still feel at fault. I get that whole "what did I do wrong to cause this?" mania going and I almost have to beeyotch slap myself and yell "STFU-Not your fault!" Sorry, feeling a little terse right now...

Thank you for your support, helping others in here is helping me to see my situation in a more objective light. I still hope and pray that we can work something out but I am no longer, I don't know, hitching all my horses to that wagon? I am just trying to work the 180 and try to make me a better person.

At least it is going from an earth shattering mind numbing agony to a dull throb... Some days are better than others. One day at a time, right?


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

WhyMe66
I think we are both kind of at the same place. Can't stop myself from constantly having feelings of responsibility. But everytime I start down this path I try to remind myself that he did this to us...not me. That he made the choices that he made, I only tried to make it work/keep our family together. I hate him for what he has done and for everything that he didn't do. I don't deserve this and never thought I would be here but here I am. And even though I know in the end that this is best for me, maybe not my son, but is better for me (he hasn't been a good partner and doesn't love me the way I love him or the way I need/deserve to be loved) I am just so tired of feeling like crud. I had a respite of relief once the earth shattering mind numbing agony ended and was feeling so hopeful for a little while and now I too have slumped into a dull throb, a fog of sadness, can't concentrate, can't do much of anything but peel myself out of bed and go through the motions. I am definitely in a sort of survival mode. I am too trying to take it one day at a time. I just wish I knew the day when this deep sadness will lift. I am so tired of feeling like this. I just want to be done with this and move on with my life, whatever that is going to look like.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> Oh I plan to, thanks. Is there any way I can set it up so that if someone replies to me I get a notification of some sort? I do not want to be rude and ignore people, especially accidentally.


:-}

You do not have to "*Nice* the TAM Peanut Gallery". Most of us here *are* on *your* side!


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> :-}
> 
> You do not have to "*Nice* the TAM Peanut Gallery". Most of us here *are* on *your* side!


Oh, I know. I got that vibe right off. I just hate it when someone doesn't bother to respond when I offer my brilliant insights and wisdom, you know-the stuff that helps flowers grow, and I don't like doing that to others.


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## autocraig (Feb 1, 2016)

Keep reading and re reading that she made the choice to cheat not you. Everyone has problems in their marriage its how you choose to handle them and infidelity is no way to handle them. I am about 2-1/2 months from finding out about my wifes affair. I blamed myself at first wondering what I did or could have done. But she chose to handle problems that way. It's hard but days get better. I have found letting go is the hardest. Its a slow process, which I could just flip the switch and not love her anymore but I know if doesn't work like that. Detaching will take time, I am still somewhat attached to her but each day find myself getting further emotionally attached. Like the previous post said, keep talking to people don't bottle up your feelings and go out and do things. It's hard at first and feels awkward but it will get easier.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

autocraig said:


> Keep reading and re reading that she made the choice to cheat not you. Everyone has problems in their marriage its how you choose to handle them and infidelity is no way to handle them. I am about 2-1/2 months from finding out about my wifes affair. I blamed myself at first wondering what I did or could have done. But she chose to handle problems that way. It's hard but days get better. I have found letting go is the hardest. Its a slow process, which I could just flip the switch and not love her anymore but I know if doesn't work like that. Detaching will take time, I am still somewhat attached to her but each day find myself getting further emotionally attached. Like the previous post said, keep talking to people don't bottle up your feelings and go out and do things. It's hard at first and feels awkward but it will get easier.


Oh I am, I do. Damn, that didn't come out right... It is hard to have a social life working graveyards, and I am starting school again this weekend. But after my orientation thing tomorrow I am taking my grand daughter to this interactive dino display. We're going to have fun-whether she likes it or not!!! (Opa has spoken!)

>

Thanks for the kind words, I am taking it one day at a time and working that 180 plan.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

0P You're doing fine buddy it's nice to see a new guy that's taking the advice the good people of TAM is giving freely, your not arguing not questioning peoples advice. You are doing the right thing... It's all about time buddy for those feelings to go away and it's going to take a while, just remember she had a choice she didn't have to cheat she had other options. her decision to cheat is all on her. No reflection on you whatsoever. Remember six months from now you'll look back you'll be a lot happier and you'll will see she did you the biggest favor...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

WhyMe66 said:


> So, I had a talk with STBX. We get a court date in one month and then we're free. I asked for the talk so that we could go over money, lease, cars, etc. She told me to keep the house she is moving in with her AP. I was cool with everything until she said that-I felt like Mike Tyson punched me in the gut. Typing this now I am getting that feeling again... A minute ago she said she was going to grab a bite and I was welcome to come along-to the restaurant that used to be "our place." The last time I ate there with her she rushed the meal because she had plans. She told me she was going on a "girls night out." The truth was she was going to f*** her new buddy... This was before the balloon went up and my life went to Hell. So long and short I am sitting here hating life. Just had to vent, thanks for reading.


Man I get the anger. The worst for me is realizing those little stories were all lies to go meet him or whatever.

Get mad! Im mad reading your story. Pisses me off.

Vent all you want its understandable and you have every right to feel used and be angry.

When the meteor finally gets here to take out my ex I hope a piece breaks off and heads your STBX direction as well.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Man I get the anger. The worst for me is realizing those little stories were all lies to go meet him or whatever.
> 
> Get mad! Im mad reading your story. Pisses me off.
> 
> ...


To Hell with a meteor, I'm calling the Mother Ship! (Either laugh or cry and I am tired of crying...)

But I did get a little justice! The AP dumped her to go back to the wife he cheated on for 20+ years (Active duty) and, since we met him, he cheated on his wife with an AP then cheated on the AP with AP 1.5-one of which was the woman my wife replaced when that woman was promoted to HR director (protecting dalliances...?), divorced his wife to be with one of the APs who dumped him so he went and remarried his wife and then cheated on her with my wife... (whew!) Six days ago he dumped my wife to go back to his!!!

Oh, the irony...


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Sparta said:


> 0P You're doing fine buddy it's nice to see a new guy that's taking the advice the good people of TAM is giving freely, your not arguing not questioning peoples advice. You are doing the right thing... It's all about time buddy for those feelings to go away and it's going to take a while, just remember she had a choice she didn't have to cheat she had other options. her decision to cheat is all on her. No reflection on you whatsoever. Remember six months from now you'll look back you'll be a lot happier and you'll will see she did you the biggest favor...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One day at a time...


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Since he dumped her has she tried to come back or anything like that. And how did you find out... Did she tell you.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

WhyMe66 said:


> To Hell with a meteor, I'm calling the Mother Ship! (Either laugh or cry and I am tired of crying...)
> 
> But I did get a little justice! The AP dumped her to go back to the wife he cheated on for 20+ years (Active duty) and, since we met him, he cheated on his wife with an AP then cheated on the AP with AP 1.5-one of which was the woman my wife replaced when that woman was promoted to HR director (protecting dalliances...?), divorced his wife to be with one of the APs who dumped him so he went and remarried his wife and then cheated on her with my wife... (whew!) Six days ago he dumped my wife to go back to his!!!
> 
> Oh, the irony...


Wow

Do your self a big favor. Move on! don't take her back.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

WhyMe66 said:


> Oh I plan to, thanks. Is there any way I can set it up so that if someone replies to me I get a notification of some sort? I do not want to be rude and ignore people, especially accidentally.


If you are talking about replies on this thread, I believe you can subscribe to it by clicking on the "Thread Tools" dropdown and checking the "subscribe" option, then selecting the notification frequency.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

WhyMe66 said:


> And I am damned fool enough that if she came to me and asked for reconciliation I would fold like a wet house of cards... BUT, I asked her what this meant for our relationship and she said it didn't change anything.
> Seems to me that women used to value a man that is giving, loving, respectful and nurturing. I stood by her through so much; her brother dying of brain cancer, etc. Not bragging, just stating facts.


They do value men like that... but they don't get excited by those characteristics. They get excited by boldness, confidence, and not putting up with crap.

If this appears to be contradictory, welcome to the club. :surprise:


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> They do value men like that... but they don't get excited by those characteristics. They get excited by boldness, confidence, and not putting up with crap.
> 
> If this appears to be contradictory, welcome to the club. :surprise:


And I tend to be modest... Painfully shy. If I was in a romm filled with all of these wonderful TAM people (and the not so wonderful ones) you would see me sitting in the corner drinking puch I wished I'd have spiked. Bold, etc., isn't my forte.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

WhyMe66 said:


> And I tend to be modest... Painfully shy. If I was in a romm filled with all of these wonderful TAM people (and the not so wonderful ones) you would see me sitting in the corner drinking puch I wished I'd have spiked. Bold, etc., isn't my forte.


Faking it until you make it has a lot to recommend as a strategy.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WhyMe,

In general, women have an emotional need to feel safe.

If YOU will take HER crap, how will she be safe in the world?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> To Hell with a meteor, I'm calling the Mother Ship! (Either laugh or cry and I am tired of crying...)
> 
> But I did get a little justice! The AP dumped her to go back to the wife he cheated on for 20+ years (Active duty) and, since we met him, he cheated on his wife with an AP then cheated on the AP with AP 1.5-one of which was the woman my wife replaced when that woman was promoted to HR director (protecting dalliances...?), divorced his wife to be with one of the APs who dumped him so he went and remarried his wife and then cheated on her with my wife... (whew!) Six days ago he dumped my wife to go back to his!!!
> 
> Oh, the irony...


The Karma Bus hit your wife faster than I thought...
I think it will turn around and come for her again at some point.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WhyMe66 said:


> To Hell with a meteor, I'm calling the Mother Ship! (Either laugh or cry and I am tired of crying...)
> 
> But I did get a little justice! The AP dumped her to go back to the wife he cheated on for 20+ years (Active duty) and, since we met him, he cheated on his wife with an AP then cheated on the AP with AP 1.5-one of which was the woman my wife replaced when that woman was promoted to HR director (protecting dalliances...?), divorced his wife to be with one of the APs who dumped him so he went and remarried his wife and then cheated on her with my wife... (whew!) Six days ago he dumped my wife to go back to his!!!
> 
> Oh, the irony...


The karma bus has arrived .......vroom vroom!

Your WW is an idiot to give up a good stable H for a man who seems to make it his goal in life to shag everything that moves, what on earth was she thinking?

You need to move on, there are lots of decent women out there who would be glad to be your SO! :smile2:


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

aine said:


> The karma bus has arrived .......vroom vroom!
> 
> Your WW is an idiot to give up a good stable H for a man who seems to make it his goal in life to shag everything that moves, what on earth was she thinking?
> 
> You need to move on, there are lots of decent women out there who would be glad to be your SO! :smile2:


I am trying but it is so hard to do, loving this deeply and fiercely... I would have moved Heaven or Earth for her. She was my all... I admit I made mistakes, and I am man enough to own them, but nothing to deserve what happened.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

becareful said:


> The Karma Bus hit your wife faster than I thought...
> I think it will turn around and come for her again at some point.


The Fog wore off faster than I thought it would.


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