# Help! My W said ‘ILYBINILWY!’



## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

Apologies beforehand for the lengthy narrative…..I have been lurking the last week or so and feel I want to share my story for help/assistance:

Married to my beautiful wife (almost) 9 years this June with 3 amazing kids (7, 5, 1.5). About a month ago, my W hit me with the bombshell to which I was completely devastated and shocked! My first response during the next few days was (like most men I assume) trying to solve the problem and suggesting that it was just a phase. Little did I know that it would evolve into much more than a phase….

Her reasoning for ‘ILYBINILWY’ is that I haven’t really changed the last few years and during many of our heated arguments I tend to classically withdraw or paint my W in such a way that I feel she is trying to control me. My inability to change thus far has led her to require less and less of me over time and she just stopped asked for stuff. Stopped asking me to change or do anything. Let me say that I try to be very active around the house, cleaning when necessary, helping with the kids, etc…, so it’s not that. I provide financially and consider myself a pretty active dad. Her needs are more attention, listening, understanding how she feels, and for me to not withdraw during arguments or always solve her problems. 

Around the same time she said ‘ILYBINILWY’ she also made an ‘emotional connection’ with someone. One seemed to trigger the other. It was one 2-3 hr. conversation and a few emails/texts over the period of 2.5 weeks. After I found out, W told me that the OM listened, was attentive, etc…the things that I had not done the last 2 years. There was no PA. I do not know if this qualifies as an EA or not, but she felt (feels) a connection. I discovered all of this by snooping….she had changed her email/FB passwords and I eventually uncovered everything almost 3 weeks ago. She had scheduled a time to meet with OM on April 1st for 2 hrs. I found out beforehand and confronted her about it and during a heated argument asked that she leave the house, not come back, and that I was done with our relationship. I can’t be sure, but this could have been an awakening of sorts for her. She returned later that night and we talked and she said she would sever communication with the OM, give me her email/FB passwords to reestablish trust, and make an effort to work on the relationship. Since then she’s said (as early as a week ago) that she still thinks about OM (how he’s doing, etc..), even indicated that she was slightly depressed about it, but insists she will not act on it. 

She tells me that she loves me (almost like she loves our kids), but as of now, is NOT in love with me. I have made all of the classic blunders these last few weeks: snooping, lying about the snooping and getting caught, told her parents about the EA and what was going on (only b/c I didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it), confronting, pleading, I’ve suffocated her with articles, website, books I’m reading, found out the OMs cell/home #, email, home address, etc… and told wife what I know about him, almost every classic blunder, yes, I’ve done them all during this brief period;\

I purchased Divorce Busters this week and have given her space these last 3-4 days, started yoga yesterday, and have joined this board today in the hopes of getting my wife back! We’ve gone to MC (1 couples session so far, 2 individual for me, and we have couples session scheduled for next week). She doesn’t think the MC sessions will help her feel any different. I had planned on taking her out to dinner after the session and she has agreed. Is it too soon for that if she agreed?

I’m so lost and am unsure of what to do at this point. There’s been no contact with the OM in almost two weeks, which I assume is a good thing. Do I continue to ask her about this? Is she thinking about him/EA and not telling me? She said it was more of what he did than anything….She’s NOT A WAW, still wearing our rings, doesn’t want to leave the house, we sleep in the same bed, there’s no real hostility towards one another, but there’s also little conversation. She has an excellent moral code, but made a bad decision during her weakened state….I get that. Rather than husband/wife, we appear to be roommates or friends at this point….

I’m just so confused on how to approach this and would sincerely appreciate any guidance or direction at this point. The last few weeks I did what I thought was appropriate and that has had the opposite effect. She has the ‘I don’t know’ syndrome at the moment when I ask her what she wants. She wants happiness but can’t define it, she doesn’t know if happiness=staying together or separation/divorce. Every question ends in an ‘I don’t know’ answer….She’s suggested that she doesn’t know (at her present state) if staying together for the sake of the kids is enough, but doesn’t want to be the one who breaks up the family. She must be wrestling with so much that it hurts me too.

Individual space seems to be working at the moment, but is there such a thing as too much space??? Will she see that as my not wanting to engage her? Is the ILYBINILWY something that can be overcome with time and patience? Is it a decision based on my past inabilities to change, and if so, can she make the decision to love again as she sees positive changes??? I’ve made a number of observable changes that I think she’s noticed but has not said anything, which I expect her not to. 

I’m just such a different person now (in the way I think, feel, and speak)….the person I think she’s always wanted (and deserved) all along, but is it too late? Am I too late??? She wants to give it a try to see if our marriage can work, but for how long??? How long do I have??? As you can see, I have so much going on in my head right now and would be much obliged for some help


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

I think it's safe to say you share that girl. Mavash is right, you'll probably get more help in the infidelity forum.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Blue Moon said:


> Mavash is right, you'll probably get more help in the infidelity forum.


Ooops deleted my post on accident. This post needs to be moved for better response is what I said earlier.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I went thru the same thing your wife did. I did fall back in love with hubby. It's different for everyone.. for now do the 180. Best of luck to you, hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

Thank you....every day is a challenge. I'm trying so hard to be positive and better myself. It's so difficult b/c I feel like she's insulated herself from me. It that normal response at this point?

PS...took the suggestion and have also posted this in the infidelity forum.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

yep I was the same way..was having an emotional affair while in MC. When I finally confessed he kicked me out..that helped me come to my senses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Whether or not your wife or you file for divorce, it was your wife who has broken up the family. You have no responsibility in her decision to have an affair.

I would question whether or not this went physical on April 1st. Did she meet with him or not? You said she left until night


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

There were ongoing emails from March 30-31st about meeting up at a park for a 'walk.' I found this exchange on March 31st after looking at her phone. At that point (as far as I know), there has only been email/text exchanges. Confronted her that night in the argument and she left for a few hours. To my knowledge, she stayed in the car at the park near our house and returned to say she wanted to work on the marriage.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am sorry AFM, I feel your pain. Had the shock of the same type thing about a year ago. They will blame you and rewrite history to justify their behavior. I made many of the same mistakes you describe.

I think Divorce Busters covers it all pretty well.

Could she be going through a midlife crisis? I believe mine did and justified a possible EA at work because of it. If want to save your marriage, be ready for a long painful ride.

Patience is the key. The fog will lift from the mental illness, which is really what it is.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

The fact you were shocked and it sounded like a build up of resentment to me does sound like the Walk Away Wife, which is a version of a Mid Life Crisis.

My WS wore her ring for the first 6 months after the shocking news, but removed it when she seperated last November. She returned home 4 months later, but still does not wear her wedding band. 

Patience!


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