# Can't let go



## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

I have been on a roller coaster for the last 7 months. I hope to explain in a concise manner so the post is not too long. I have been married for 16 years with 2 kids (4 and 11) together for 18 years. my husband is 39 and I am 42. I have always been a confident, secure and non-jealous type of woman even though my husband had a flirtatous personality. I started to feel uncomfortable with my husbands friendship with a co-worker. He would talk about her and noticed she would constantly post on his facebook wall.I confronted my husband and he said they are just friends. He said she is an older woman 48 and did not find her physically attractive and that she was already a grandma. I told him I am not comfortable with his relationship with her and I typically don't feel like that but something about gut feeling. Well, I was right. 

I started searching for things and started confronting husband and of course denial and lies began. He was a different person. He was very concerned with working all the time, working out, his looks etc. I discovered an e-mail which was more than "just friends".(D-Day 1) I kicked him out and he went to stay at a hotel for a week. Well, I found out he took this opportunity to turn the EA to a PA. Once I found out I told him to get all of his things out of the house. He went to live with his brother and wife. 

I left for Hawaii with kids for a break and avoid contact. He tried texting but remained no contact. When I got back I wanted to talk to him. I did and then he discussed working on things and he was going to cut it off with OW. Like a fool I agreed and he moved back in. He still worked with her and I really felt uncomfortable and on edge. We started marriage counseling but husband did not communicate well so the therapist mentioned he needed to work with my husband one on one. I had already begun IC at the start of this. I did not feel good. All the books I read said he should be remorseful, transparent and comforting but it wasn't like that at all. I started spinning again. 

I went to lunch one day and had a gut feeling about something. I told my boss I was going to take a long lunch and decided to drive to my husband's job. I called him as I got closer and said I was going to drop by. As I was driving I happen to see him pull out of a park area. I immediately called him and ask if that was him I saw since he was supposed to be at work. I drove into the park area and low and behold she was sitting on park bench. I went and talked to her. I asked her what is she doing if she knows he is trying to work on his marriage. She told me she loved him and was waiting for him to leave me. I wanted to smack her one but I acted very civil. Husband pulled up and asked what was going on and I told him you know exactly what's going on. You decided. So you and her can be together.I am done and want a divorce.(Dday-2) I kicked him out again. 

The day after he started crying to me wanting to work things out that he now has clarity and knows that he wants me and the family not OW. He will give 110% and do anything I want. After a couple of weeks I again agreed he seemed so sincere. This time it seemed different then the first. He was transparent, remorseful and started communicating. He also quit his job. Things were getting better I was feeling reassured and started dropping my guard a bit. Once and awhile I would ask him how he was doing in regards to his breakup with affair partner and response was always "good". He started a new job which is about and hour away so I also felt better but still did felt uncomfortable since she worked 5 minutes from our home. 

Well my intuition kicked in again. When he came home from work and went to sleep. I decided to check out his car. Found another cell phone. I read texts and found some very graphic pictures she sent my husband. (Dday-3) Woke him up and told him we needed to talk. He knew immediately. He said he had a problem and didn't understand why he keeps going back. He said he felt addicted. He needed his family to get through this. I told him I can't help him only he could do it. Kicked him out again. 

He is now still out of the house and I have decided to limit contact unless it is about the kids. I am done playing this game. It's been about a month and the holidays have been miserable. It's so hard to see my husband during pickups and drop offs without talking. I broke NC and called him. I am so anxious to get off this roller coaster. It has been so draining. I have lost 50 lbs. and kids are so confused with the back and forth. I tried to be strong. All he said was this was a process and that he wanted to get her out of his system cuz he does not know why he keeps going back to her and he wants to stop hurting me. He says he knows he wants his family but he is so weak and can't cut it off with her. I know I am enabling him to be a cake eater too so I decided to let him go. He has done this terrible thing to me but why can't I let go. I want him back soo bad and family back together. Sorry thought it would be short and concise.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

If he wanted to stop contacting her he would. There's no secret or trick to it - in order to get someone out of your system you stop all contact. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice... You know you need to move forward. File for divorce (you can always stop it or remarry) and let him kiss your ass and do ALL the work if it's what he wants. 

As for you, make sure you're doing the 180 for your own mental health. Eat healthily (even a little bit if youre sick to your stomach), stay away from alcohol and try and get some exercise in. Keep going to IC and just put one foot in front of the other until its natural again. 

You can do this. You deserve better than a constant lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Start implementing *The 180 Degrees Rules* for you need to detach from the emotional ordeal of your husband's affair. Consider also filing for divorce for even though it won't happen overnight, it will start the clock ticking and your husband will either end his affair and commit or he will continue with his affair unabated. *The 180 Degrees Rules* is FOR YOU.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Track her family and friends down and expose her affair to them, waywards are only secure if the affair is a secret , read the newbies thread for pointers . The 180 for you is a must and keep to NC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Yes NC (no contact) with your husband except for child related issues. You must allow the OW to be totally responsible for ALL of your H emotional needs. Only when the two of them start living as a couple will the fantasy life of the affair will come to an end or it will cement it (odds of that happening are in the single digit, around 3%).

Your marriage may not survive but at the very least you will have blown to pieces their affair and prevent the skank from having any contact with your kids. That in itself is a victory.


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## KatiezMomma (Nov 17, 2011)

I am in the same boat, he is already in a new relationship (I have to stop calling it a fling because it sounds like its serious) and we are still living together until next month. I know what he has done is horrible and I feel like a zombie, walking around but dead inside but yet I still want a life with this man!! It so messed up. Move forward, mourn the loss of the life you had together, not the man that did this to you. Easier said than done but no cheating man is worth your self respect. Thats how I am looking at it.


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

Thanks everyone for the advice. I have gone online and found some divorce and child custody/support forms and filled them out and asked husband to review so if he agrees then filing and lawyers fees will be kept down to a minimum. I am not sure if I am doing this as a manipulative move to get him to snap out of it but it's out there now. I also want him to see reality of his financial responsibility to his kids. I have been the bread winner and he just assumes I will just pay for everything and take care of everything. if he is spending money on hotels, restaurants and gifts he can financially afford to give me money for kids regardless of my income. I talk as if I am strong and can do this but I am so devastated. 

OW husband already knows I told him after first D-day. We are still in contact and he has been a great support to me. 

If i do 180 and just let go I know i will be stronger in a couple of months but it's as if I am addicted now to this drama. I am good for a couple of weeks and then we talk and back in withdrawal and talking to him again.

Has anyone had success in having husband come back with 180 and letting go and how long did it take?


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

It will get easier. I really thought I would never emotionally recover, but once I got him out of the house it only took a couple of weeks for me to start feeling better emotionally (Lexapro also helped!). I too was addicted to the drama - there are at least 150 emails between me and the OW. Now I'm just so over it. The problem with getting too involved in their relationship, is that if you think you ever want to save your marriage you almost know too much - have too much involvement. I have had way too much involvement in their relationship with phone calls, emails, pictures, face-to-face confrontation and even her harassing me when he broke things off. Now that I have had all that involvement in the drama, I don't think I could ever love him how I used to. I no longer mourn the loss of him, I am mourning the loss of my family.

So, if you think you really do want to be with him down the road somewhere, limit the drama. Try your hardest for NC with him and definitely with her. For awhile, I even had WH pick up and drop off the kids at a friends house and I wouldn't be there. You do what you have to do to get yourself emotionally healthy.


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

FML you are so right. After every D-day more baggage is accumulating and makes it harder and harder to think about reconciliation. I know too much. Text messages, graphic photos and e-mails between them that haunt me everyday. After first d-day I was alot more emotionally stable but now I am so depressed. I think deep down I know the end is near and it just hard to accept. Did you move on or did you work it out with WS?


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Tiptoe...
I have been in this same situation. My H has been in an affair now with the same lady for 2 1/2 years. He has done the coming back and forth only to be caught again. I am TIRED of this. I had started to move out of our house back in April of this year (I shouldn't say tried, I did get my own apartment) but I left my 2 teens at the house, so then I was the one going back and forth. I have learned a lot through this process. I should have thrown him out from day 1 and never looked back until he was begging me to work things out, and then still not take him back until he went to as much trouble to make it work as I did. I know deep down in my heart, that my H will never ever give up the OW. So it's time for me to let him go. It may very well just be an addiction, but it's either me or his addiction and the addiction is gonna win. I need to move on with my life for me. There was too much pain, too much hurt, too much drama. She can have him. I am having trouble getting him to let me go now. He is having a hard time with it. The tears flow like crazy from him. It's sad to see an addiction to a person be the same as a drug or alcohol. I know he loves me, he just can't stop.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

FML2011 said:


> It will get easier. I really thought I would never emotionally recover, but once I got him out of the house it only took a couple of weeks for me to start feeling better emotionally (Lexapro also helped!). I too was addicted to the drama - there are at least 150 emails between me and the OW. Now I'm just so over it. The problem with getting too involved in their relationship, is that if you think you ever want to save your marriage you almost know too much - have too much involvement. I have had way too much involvement in their relationship with phone calls, emails, pictures, face-to-face confrontation and even her harassing me when he broke things off. Now that I have had all that involvement in the drama, I don't think I could ever love him how I used to. I no longer mourn the loss of him, I am mourning the loss of my family.
> 
> *So, if you think you really do want to be with him down the road somewhere, limit the drama*. Try your hardest for NC with him and definitely with her. For awhile, I even had WH pick up and drop off the kids at a friends house and I wouldn't be there. You do what you have to do to get yourself emotionally healthy.


One of the best advice I've read so far! 

Feels like a slap in the face. 

Tiptoe- 
You're getting really sound advice from everyone. Hope things work out for you... I think I'm on the verge of knowing too much to. So if you are getting too depressed it's time to shift tactics. Take care of yourself first. I agree that NC with him and OW is the way to go. Only when you are stable enough, can you deal with more things. Just let him go. If he'll come back he will. My H didn't want to come back until he was 100% sure he was coming back for the right reasons (not for the kids, not because he's used to me, but because he still loves me and wants to try to work it out....something I'm still trying to believe btw). Well he did that only after I initiated NC for a night! LOL. And it was only after that, that I found out it was a PA! I'm not saying your H will be the same, but I'm saying that maybe my H is right in that we (the LS) deserve more than a reluctant partner. We deserve to have someone come back because they truly do want to and are finally ready to put us first before their own selfish needs. Until then, do as the others say, try your best to detach and really work on yourself.

I wish you all the best.


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

Thanks again to all. Desperate heart my husband has also told me the same things he wants to come back for the right reasons. I too want him back for the right reasons. I want him to do all the heavy lifting. Unfortunately, I don't think he will before I decide to move on. He thinks I will always be there but the door is closing and when he finally decides to come around the door will be closed.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

tiptoe1969 said:


> Thanks again to all. Desperate heart my husband has also told me the same things he wants to come back for the right reasons. I too want him back for the right reasons. I want him to do all the heavy lifting. Unfortunately, I don't think he will before I decide to move on. He thinks I will always be there but the door is closing and when he finally decides to come around the door will be closed.


The door may close for him, like it has for my remorseful ex-wife (and oldimittens, lostcpa, etc.), but it doesn't mean that I don't wish her peace and happiness.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

I've had that door closing feeling too...I know already that I have lost the "in love" feeling for my H...I mean, how could you be in love with someone that has hurt you so bad. I have told him that to his face that I am not in love with him anymore and I think that hurt his feelings...but he is the one in the affair. I do LOVE him...and he keeps asking me "why?" I don't really know why...I guess I should stop telling him that. I read somewhere that you are not supposed to tell them you LOVE them during this time, because they look at you like a doormat..."how could you love me when I am doing this to you?"


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

File for divorce. Stay firm. He's lied to you so often that you've got 3 d-days and he has shown himself to be untrustworthy. You deserve better! Maybe he will come back, but...right now, he is just taking things underground and not believing that there are any consequences; show him otherwise and hopefully he will wake up out of it!


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