# Girlfriend is on vacation with her ex



## aya91 (Jul 28, 2017)

We've been together for about 5 months (I'm 26, she's 20), right after she broke up with her ex. She had planned to spend a week in his cabin this summer, along with two more friends. We talked a lot about it and our relationship is going very well in terms of communication. We have really good sex, see each other every few days and we have a lot of fun together despite the age disparity. She assured me that the past relationship hadn't been going well for a long time and she wasn't attracted to him anymore, but she had planned that week a long time ago and wanted to spend some time with her friends and far away from civilisation and stress. Fair enough. She'll supposedly be sleeping in a room of her own.

Right now my subjective male-judgment tells me that she is happy with me and isn't missing anything, and I trust her. At the same time, it's a somewhat big red flag and it makes me panic. No matter what she says, she used to be attracted to that guy, it was her first boyfriend and they spend 3 years together. I avoid expressing my jealousy, but sometimes it does eat me up on the inside.

Being jealous makes me feel like a controlling idiot, trusting her makes me feel like a fool who's being played.

How should I best deal with the situation?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

aya91 said:


> We've been together for about 5 months (I'm 26, she's 20), right after she broke up with her ex. She had planned to spend a week in his cabin this summer, along with two more friends. We talked a lot about it and our relationship is going very well in terms of communication. We have really good sex, see each other every few days and we have a lot of fun together despite the age disparity. She assured me that the past relationship hadn't been going well for a long time and she wasn't attracted to him anymore, but she had planned that week a long time ago and wanted to spend some time with her friends and far away from civilisation and stress. Fair enough. She'll supposedly be sleeping in a room of her own.
> 
> Right now my subjective male-judgment tells me that she is happy with me and isn't missing anything, and I trust her. At the same time, it's a somewhat big red flag and it makes me panic. No matter what she says, she used to be attracted to that guy, it was her first boyfriend and they spend 3 years together. I avoid expressing my jealousy, but sometimes it does eat me up on the inside.
> 
> ...


If she wants to sleep with him she will,she doesn't need to travel to his cabin to do it. Anyway she is only twenty,she has a lot of living to do before she settles for one guy.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, either trust her, or break up with her. If you trust her, that does not mean you can't be observant of her attitude and behavior towards you when she returns. If you see any further contact with the ex after - other than perhaps normal sharing of vacation photos with the group that goes - then look deeper. I tend to take people at their word, unless there are clear signs that I can't trust their word. If there is going to be a problem, you'll be aware enough to detect it, I think. And at 5 months, you're not so heavily invested that you can't walk away if you have cause.


----------



## aya91 (Jul 28, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> If she wants to sleep with him she will,she doesn't need to travel to his cabin to do it. Anyway she is only twenty,she has a lot of living to do before she settles for one guy.


While that's true, spending one week with the same person might lead to buried feelings coming back. Combine that with a bit of alcohol and it might just happen.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

She's young and has poor boundaries.

Time for you to move on.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sorry, just to be clear: I know she's at his cabin, but her ex is also actually on the trip?


----------



## aya91 (Jul 28, 2017)

Rowan said:


> Sorry, just to be clear: I know she's at his cabin, but her ex is also actually on the trip?


I didn't express it very clearly in the thread, but yes, he's there, along with her and two other friends (specifically, a couple).


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

aya91 said:


> While that's true, spending one week with the same person might lead to buried feelings coming back. Combine that with a bit of alcohol and it might just happen.


Meh, she's not even old enough to legally drink, barely a legal adult, and you have only been dating for five months. She no doubt intends for everything to to be above board, but people that age are notorious for making terrible decisions.

While I don't see any reason to preemptively break up or anything, nor do I really see you have enough time and foundation to this relationship to press her not to go, this is an opportunity for you to practice your own decision making, boundary setting, and figuring out exactly what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> She's young and has poor boundaries.
> 
> Time for you to move on.


This.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

She is showing no respect to you and your relationship. Blatantly immature. 

Why didn't she invite you?
I'm sure you have an answer that you have been fed, but *really* why are you not invited?

Would she think it was fine for you to go on vacation for the week with your long term ex love, and without her?

Watch your step, there is zero chance you won't trip on a red flag here.


----------



## aya91 (Jul 28, 2017)

Spicy said:


> She is showing no respect to you and your relationship. Blatantly immature.
> 
> Why didn't she invite you?
> I'm sure you have an answer that you have been fed, but *really* why are you not invited?
> ...


The official answer is that her ex is still unhappy about the breakup and kind of hates me. Since it's his cabin and his car, it was out of question that I'd go with them.


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

aya91 said:


> The official answer is that her ex is still unhappy about the breakup and kind of hates me. Since it's his cabin and his car, it was out of question that I'd go with them.


And you would get in the way of their "alone" time.

Sorry but you know the answer here. She is showing how immature she really is. If thats all you want right now is a fun young immature girl, fine stay with her. If you are looking for a more mature relationship, I'd look elsewhere.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Go to Vegas while she's at the cabin. Seriously, let loose and see how she likes it. At least you'll be the one having the most fun. 

With her being so young, marriage shouldn't be considered for 5 more years. Don't sweat it. Use this as a test to see if she's a lier and a cheat.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She's too young for you and seems to want the option of not being with just one guy. If she really wanted to be with just you she wouldn't have gone and never brought it up. You can be pretty sure she's sleeping with the ex. Time to move on and find a girl your age who would have dealt with the situation in a more mature manner.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would be worried about her cheating, but to me the problem is larger from a long term standpoint. Who wants to spend time in close proximity to an ex? I certainly would not see it as an enjoyable time. To me this indicates she has some latent feelings for him. Even if nothing happens on this trip, it tells me she is not ready to put him totally in the past.

First loves can be a real problem. They can become a life long obsession or at least a life long latent wistful desire. He might be the one that got away, whom she always wishes had worked out.

She may be a fine girlfriend for you, and she may not cheat with this guy. My concern is long term in that she may not be nearly mature enough or disconnected enough from this guy to be able to be fully invested in your relationship. I would not be thinking in terms of a permanent situation with her.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Thor said:


> 1) Who wants to spend time in close proximity to an ex?
> 2) To me this indicates she has some latent feelings for him.


1) I would, but it depends on the ex. I have remained close friends with several exes, a couple of them for over 40 years, and others for 10 to 20 years. Great people, just not compatible for a romantic relationship.
2) Perhaps - time will tell. And it could just be recognition that he can be a decent friend, and nothing more.

People tend to treat relationships as binary - you're in, or you're out. It may simplify things (sometimes to an absurd level), but often at the cost of greatly limiting your options and enjoyment of life, in which one of the most important things is friendship.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

She's 20, on vacation with her ex, you dont get an invite because he hates you - shes immature and really has little to no respect for you or your relationship. She needs to grow up and you need to reassess your own boundaries because she has none.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Dating is all about deciding if someone is worth going long term with, it's not about trying to change people to be who you want them to be. If you really feel uneasy about this, and she doesn't care...that should be your answer. Don't waste your time getting jealous, and trying to figure it out. Just tell her that it doesn't seem like a fit, and move on. She's not in the wrong either, she just might think this is perfectly okay in a relationship. That's why you date, to see if you're compatible with someone, and you both don't seem compatible. 

Just how I see it. Don't overthink and complicate dating too much. She's not your wife, so it shouldn't be hard to end this and eventually find someone who has the same ideas about boundaries as you do.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

aya91 said:


> The official answer is that her ex is still unhappy about the breakup and kind of hates me. Since it's his cabin and his car, it was out of question that I'd go with them.


So here's the deal. A woman that is head over heals in love with you is unlikely to cheat. However, I doubt she feels that way about you or she'd choose to spend time with you instead of going on this trip without you. That should at least let you know where she feels the relationship actually is, even if she is telling you something different.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

aya91 said:


> I didn't express it very clearly in the thread, but yes, he's there, along with her and two other friends (specifically, a couple).


This changes my opinion,I thought it was just some of her girlfriends that she was going on the trip with. Don't fall for this girl buddy,she has no sense of boundaries and she seems very immature even for twenty.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

aya91 said:


> Being jealous makes me feel like a controlling idiot, trusting her makes me feel like a fool who's being played.
> 
> How should I best deal with the situation?


Tell her 'thanks for the invitation, I'd LOVE to go with you! I'm driving!'


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

My son is almost 20. If he had a current girlfriend he wanted to keep, he wouldn't even DREAM of spending a vacation at an EX girlfriends cabin with another couple. Your girlfriend is 20 and still thinking like a high schooler. You are 26. I think you should let this one go and date someone closer to your age and maturity level. Heck, maybe even just someone who can legally have a drink if they want to!!


----------



## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Tell your ex girlfriend to enjoy life's experiences.

That makes you a confident man who can easily move on to the next babe who won't cheat AND NEVER do what she's about do to. Lots of em out there. Just next her and move on.

BTW, women don't mind a controlling man. They just don't like *******s. There's a difference.

I don't do second chances. She jumped the shark.

Heck, if that was my GF or wife, she'd be history.

I have a saying, but the mods would beat me to death. Wish I could share it. It explains females to men in one sentence.

Seems this **** test has gone down the toilet.

Test her back. Tell her you're done with her. See if she takes the trip or not. Break up anyway as she will see him for years behind your back. 

I'll bet after the trip she breaks up with you anyway. Because she won't respect you for not laying into her immaturity, bad judgement and lack of respect for your relationship. 

Wake up!!! A couple going and he's missing a babe to share his bed with. They've been in contact already. Wake up!!! Man up. Move on.

Take the red pill and enlighten yourself. It's a
Mans world. Get your testosterone back already.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

aya91 said:


> We've been together for about 5 months (I'm 26, she's 20), right after she broke up with her ex. She had planned to spend a week in his cabin this summer, along with two more friends.......
> How should I best deal with the situation?


Your girlfriend is too young and immature to be in a stable exclusive relationship with you. A mature girlfriend would not go spend a week at an ex-boyfriend's cabin. You're setting yourself up for a lot of misery by being emotionally attached to this girl. 

This is a case in which I would be happy to be proven wrong.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your gf is going on a week long couples vacation with her ex, who wants her back, and you honestly think nothing's gonna happen? Here's a clue. If she wasn't at all interested in him she wouldn't be going.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

One problem is that no matter how much you trust her and love her, you will always have doubts about what happened on this trip.

Tamat


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was thinking the same thing as Steve, but I figured you wouldn't hear it. My DD26 has a friend who's 28 who just started dating a 20-year-old and the first thing she and all their friends said was 'what a mistake!' The second thing they said was 'he picked her because she's too immature to know better.' Not saying that was your motivation, but that it's kind of like when a 21-year-old guy dates a 17-year-old high school student: not kindly looked on because, well, she's just too immature. The brain doesn't stop developing and changing until around age 25. She will be completely different in a year from now. You won't. Think about it.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Your gf is going on a week long couples vacation with her ex, who wants her back, and you honestly think nothing's gonna happen? Here's a clue. If she wasn't at all interested in him she wouldn't be going.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: She is only 20 and still in her "play games" phase...


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She is not grown up enough to have a relationship with. There are hundreds of thousands of decent women out there within driving distance. Find someone who is more mature, you will be happier.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

ButtPunch said:


> She's young and has poor boundaries.
> 
> Time for you to move on.


Exactly. Whether she's young or not,she has to know that this isn't acceptable in a bf/gf relationship. When I was that age and even younger,I still had a basic understanding of right and wrong. I just can't see anyone at that age being oblivious.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Not that any answer would change my personal feeling to end this now, but I am wondering if they have actually had the conversation and explicitly declared this an exclusive relationship. The current length of five months is a really awkward period where it is no longer the really early casual stage, but also not long enough to be assumed or considered serious. Two months or two years would make it much more of a no brainer.

That said, the fact that she is even entertaining this trip indicates that at the very least, she has a very different view on exactly where this relationship is. Whether or not she actually goes is largely immaterial.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Steve1000 said:


> Your girlfriend is too young and immature to be in a stable exclusive relationship with you. A mature girlfriend would not go spend a week at an ex-boyfriend's cabin. You're setting yourself up for a lot of misery by being emotionally attached to this girl.
> 
> This is a case in which I would be happy to be proven wrong.


20 is the age when people, man and women, are figuring out the proper boundaries. Finally now they have the freedom of an adult but very few of the responsibilities. they're trying to figure it out.

Your gf is wondering, what's wrong with a few days away. while we seasoned adults know what's wrong:
1. It looks bad (20 yo are too idealistic to worry about what others think)
2. Because all relationships are dynamic, one can never be sure of the feelings engendered by the end of the trip and how that will impact on the relationship they claimed to have put first.

People change for 2 reasons that I can think of:
1. Suffer the consequences of being a free spirit. in this case, you move on to another woman. Maybe even string along til you can organize a dirty a weekend of your own.
2. They experience what they've been dishing out.

My advice is to set her free before her trip. And tell her that the two of you can see how things go when she gets back. I bet'cha even then, she will call you controlling. Well, at least then, you'll have your answer.

Let's us know how it goes.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

As far as her last relationship with him, who broke up with who? Not that it matters.
If you thought you were exclusive, her going to be with any ex is absurd.

I also don't believe twenty is to young, having myself waiting until thirty three to marry.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Her boundaries are terrible, but she's totally acting exactly like I would expect a 20-year-old to act. Whether or not she hooks up with him is almost beside the point--it's not appropriate to go on a week-long vacation without you and with her ex. She needs to understand that, but really, if you have to start teaching her those kinds of boundaries, you're going to have to change a lot of things about her. 

For a group of 20-year-olds, vacationing with exes is probably the norm and no big deal. Relationships are fluid at that time, and it's not as big of a deal if people move between partners. It often seems more like FWB kind of relationships at that age.

So basically, you're dating a 20-year-old who's acting her age. Either accept her for who she is or date someone closer to your age who will act more mature. It's not fair of you to force her to act like a 26-year-old.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Judging strictly from your byline, I'd be forced to say that she isn't your GF anymore!

Or for that matter, she never really was in the first place!*


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She is disrespecting you and the relationship by doing this. Time to let her go. If you dont, you are setting a horrible precedent and will eventually find her in bed with someone else.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Aya91 ..... y'all needs a slap upside the head!!!


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

When I got married, I was 26 and my wife was 21. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that at her age she can't make important decisions. After 21 years of marriage, my marriage is still rock solid. 

Now, with that being said, there is no way my wife would have taken off on some couples vacation to a cabin with an ex. It just wouldn't have even been an option. Not because I would have told her she can't, but because she would not have wanted to nor would she have disrespected our relationship in that way. 

I have to agree with the others here that this girl is not dating material. Just tell her you don't think the two of you are compatible and move on to your next adventure.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Not that any answer would change my personal feeling to end this now, but I am wondering if they have actually had the conversation and explicitly declared this an exclusive relationship. The current length of five months is a really awkward period where it is no longer the really early casual stage, but also not long enough to be assumed or considered serious. Two months or two years would make it much more of a no brainer.
> 
> That said, the fact that she is even entertaining this trip indicates that at the very least, she has a very different view on exactly where this relationship is. Whether or not she actually goes is largely immaterial.



Back when I was at university, the big problem was ending a relationship depsite any future plans that were made ..... like a trip. So someone could start dating someone else even though they promised to make a good on a trip with their purported ex.

My sister told me that she started dating her bf at the beginning of the sprng semester. She thought everything was good and as he was graduating, she thought she was going to be the proud, doting partner at his side during the weekend. Turns out, that he had unfinished business with a gf back home and she got to play that role that weekend. 

After the weekend, he called my sister, apologised and said that she was completely out of the picture. My sister went on to date him for another 2 years. she told me though that she never trusted him and never felt comfortable. and I know that she dated a fair few guys during that time.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

aya91 said:


> yes, he's there, along with her and two other friends (specifically, a couple).


 If it is just her and her ex as well as this other couple, then it was scheduled as a couples trip, and she and her ex are the other couple. Jealous is not a four letter word, as there is nothing wrong with being jealous when you have every right to be jealous. In this case you would be nuts not to have an issue with this. This ex has a whole week with just her and this other couple (who are his friends) to work on getting her back. After 3 years of being with her, the ex knows how to push her buttons. Her going on this trip with him shows that she still enjoys his company, and is open to the idea of him working on getting her back. She has week boundaries. Date her if you want, but do not be in an exclusive relationship with someone with such weak boundaries. The fact that she played you into saying that you were OK with this, means that she thinks of you as a chump.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

hey baby I have this trip I planned a long time ago when i was dating my ex were just friends now and another couple will be there hope you understand.

nope if your going were not a couple any more. and I'm appalled you have the nerve to even ask me such a question.

as a matter of fact this just shows me we are not compatible and don't have the same values.
don't bother calling when you get back .


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

TX-SC said:


> When I got married, I was 26 and my wife was 21. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that at her age she can't make important decisions. After 21 years of marriage, my marriage is still rock solid.
> 
> Now, with that being said, there is no way my wife would have taken off on some couples vacation to a cabin with an ex. It just wouldn't have even been an option. Not because I would have told her she can't, but because she would not have wanted to nor would she have disrespected our relationship in that way.
> 
> I have to agree with the others here that this girl is not dating material. Just tell her you don't think the two of you are compatible and move on to your next adventure.


I would guess that at age 20, a majority are still too immature to have a stable relationship, but there's also a large minority that is mature enough.... like your wife was.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> hey baby I have this trip I planned a long time ago when i was dating my ex were just friends now and another couple will be there hope you understand.
> 
> nope if your going were not a couple any more. and I'm appalled you have the nerve to even ask me such a question.
> 
> ...


You're just jealous, insecure, and controlling.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> You're just jealous, insecure, and controlling.


you forgot abusive, narrow minded and old fashioned


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

chillymorn69 said:


> you forgot abusive, narrow minded and old fashioned


of course, because all the world loves a free spirit who is full of life......


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> you forgot abusive, narrow minded and old fashioned





NextTimeAround said:


> of course, because all the world loves a free spirit who is full of life......


You go girlfriends!


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Two things jump right off my screen as I read this thread:

First, there will be four people in the cabin... two are already a couple... the other two are another man and woman-- you have to know this is a classic setup for the creation of another couple (or, in this case, a re-creation)

Second, the other man is unhappy with the breakup and hates you. What do you think might be his motive for setting up such a scenario? What do you he might hope to achieve? The answer is as plain as the nose on your face, and it doesn't bode well for you or your relationship.

Your girlfriend either sees this and is happy to go along, or she is incredibly naive or deliberately burying her head in the sand , neither of which is good.

You need to have a straight up come to Jesus talk with her about what her motivation is for doing this, but also stress trying to discern what she think her exes motivation is. The logical outcome of the discussion is that she wakes the hell up and decides not to touch the outing with a ten foot pole. Anything less and you're faced with a tough decision.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Two things jump right off my screen as I read this thread:
> 
> First, there will be four people in the cabin... two are already a couple... the other two are another man and woman-- you have to know this is a classic setup for the creation of another couple (or, in this case, a re-creation)
> 
> ...


This is not a group of friends. But two couples.

OP, was this trip planned before you two met and communicated to you early on in your dating?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> This is not a group of friends. But two couples.
> 
> OP, was this trip planned before you two met and communicated to you early on in your dating?


From the OP...



> ...She had planned to spend a week in his cabin this summer, along with two more friends. We talked a lot about it and our relationship is going very well in terms of communication....but she had planned that week a long time ago and wanted to spend some time with her friends and far away from civilisation and stress...


So it seems as if this has been planned for a while, before they met. Still, plans can be changed due to new and unforseen circumstances.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

aya91 said:


> The official answer is that her ex is still unhappy about the breakup and kind of hates me. Since it's his cabin and his car, it was out of question that I'd go with them.


If she were more mature, she would see that that right there means it's out of the question that she have any more to do with him, let alone go away with him. 



TX-SC said:


> When I got married, I was 26 and my wife was 21. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that at her age she can't make important decisions. After 21 years of marriage, my marriage is still rock solid.


Yes but that was over twenty years ago. I'm around the same age as you. 20 year olds today are VERY different to when we were 20.

OP your gf is either incredibly, mindblowingly naive, or just plain disrespectful and arrogant enough to think that you're dumb enough to believe this is genuinely a "pre-planned holiday".

Tell your gf that you wouldn't dream of telling her not to do something, after all you're not her father, but that this whole situation crosses a boundary of yours and you won't be there when she gets home.

Stick to your guns when she plays the "You're just trying to control me" card - which she will, and you're not. Don't engage or discuss. This is non negotiable with no compromise. Simple.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Further to when she plays the "You're trying to control me" card.

Examples of controlling boyfriend are things like - telling her not to wear make up, telling her what clothes to wear, checking her phone and questioning her constantly, isolating her from her friends and family. That's just some examples.

Objecting to your partner going on a holiday with their ex is NOT controlling.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

aya91 said:


> The official answer is that her ex is still unhappy about the breakup and kind of hates me. Since it's his cabin and his car, it was out of question that I'd go with them.


If her ex hates you, she definitely shouldn't be staying at his cabin whether or not he is there. She has poor boundaries, and doesn't understand respect.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I see some foursome swinging action happening.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

@aya91 - what did you decide to do?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

frusdil said:


> Further to when she plays the "You're trying to control me" card.
> 
> Examples of controlling boyfriend are things like - telling her not to wear make up, telling her what clothes to wear, checking her phone and questioning her constantly, isolating her from her friends and family. That's just some examples.
> 
> Objecting to your partner going on a holiday with their ex is NOT controlling.


Sometimes it is difficult to articulate the difference between a boundary vs being controlling. I like your examples of controlling, which is telling her what to do or not do.

I view a boundary as what *I* will or will not do. Usually it is along the lines of _I will not remain in a relationship with someone who _______. In this case the boundary would be "I will not be in a relationship with someone who believes it is ok to go on vacation with their ex together as a couple".

Aya, this concept is important in relationships but I think it is poorly understood. Especially these days there is so much of the "don't judge me" attitude. You _should_ be judging people in your serious relationships. Is this the kind of person you want to be associated with? Is this the kind of person you want to be the parent of your children? Do you trust this person to have your best interests at heart, even above their own? Does his person have values compatible with yours?

Boundaries are both external and internal. External would be like her going on a trip with an ex. That is a poor boundary around the outside of your relationship. She is not protecting the relationship from outside threats. Inside boundaries would be regarding how you treat each other. You don't accept dishonesty or abusive behavior.

She obviously has no idea about boundaries. You are bothered because she is crossing one of your boundaries. Trust your gut! What she is doing is not compatible with your mindset or belief system about relationships. That makes it incorrect for your relationship, without having to assign you or her as good, bad, right, or wrong.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> Your girlfriend is too young and immature to be in a stable exclusive relationship with you. A mature girlfriend would not go spend a week at an ex-boyfriend's cabin. You're setting yourself up for a lot of misery by being emotionally attached to this girl.
> 
> This is a case in which I would be happy to be proven wrong.


Yep and I'll just add an ex who has made it known he is unhappy with the breajkup, doesn't like you and invited her on a trip with another couple. 
Also, to be clear, there's a difference between staying in contact with an ex(es) and trying to excuse a couples vacation trip as being "binary."


----------



## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Prediction.

Bet she comes back prego. Her and Aya live happily ever after. Even more cabin trips. This time 2 weeks every 6 months. She'll remember birth control those next times around.

At least he'll watch their kid them.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

All joking aside. 

Question for me:
Who hear would be OK with their girl friend going away with an old boy friend for a week?


Question for the ladies: who would try to still go away with their old boyfriend for a week?

My answer is I wouldn't want to be with a girl who even suggested such an action. She obviously doesn't have much respect for me to even ask. There are lots of fish in the sea this one going back!


----------



## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Aya, can you describe to be how communication have been since she left? Do you speak together on the phone with the other people in the cabin at least within theoretical earshot?


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

My bet is she thinks she is dating and he thinks he has a girlfriend.


----------



## Capt. Cootie (Feb 22, 2013)

Went through something likes this many years ago just out of high school. I dated a girl who had just broke up with her boyfriend of a couple of years. After a few months of dating she told me she previously had plans to go with her ex to visit his grandmother in Florida before they broke up. She still wanted to go and he wasn't going to be there the whole time. I was young and there was not much I could say because she told everyone she liked me etc. When I found out he picked her up at the airport on her return, I quit seeing her. It all worked out in the end, I think they have been married for 30 years and have a couple of kids, lol.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, you'd be wise to give her back. She's not gf material unless you like being her doormat.


----------



## westbank23 (Mar 8, 2013)

Did you really let her go out to a cabin with her ex and her "friends"...DUMP HER NOW before it's to late....obviously she has no respect for you at or herself..

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"*Right now my subjective male-judgment tells me that she is happy with me and isn't missing anything,..."*

May I suggest that your subjective male-judgment needs a tune-up. She's obviously missing something that only her ex can provide as she can see the mutual friends under other circumstances.

Reality: She's on a vacation with her ex who transported her to his cabin. You - no where in the picture. Nor, should you be. Lose her number or be prepared to share her with any and all sundry former and future beaus.


----------



## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Wonder if there was actually another couple...


----------



## jetpilot37 (Jan 12, 2014)

Man, she's 20... that's the problem. That's the nature of the beast. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

You could talk to her and her intentions may be good, but at the very least, the boundary issue is a huge red flag. 

Honestly, you may be doing her a favor by breaking up with her. She clearly hasn't learned what is and is not appropriate, yet.

Yeah, it could be that she is young, but we've all seen experienced adults struggle with boundaries, too. Youth may be an acceptable explanation, but it doesn't make the act itself acceptable...


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@aya91
It's not clear to me if you both agreed to be in an exclusive relationship. If there is a clear, spoken understanding that your relationship is exclusive, then her going on this trip is totally disrespectful, and you had a right to ask her to cancel the trip or end the relationship. What she is doing is not acceptable in an exclusive relationship. However, if it's not been agreed upon to be an exclusive relationship, then you just might have to suck it up and decide if you want to stay with her. You had no right to ask her not to go.

Either way, exclusive or not, I think you need to reside yourself to the fact that she is/will be having sex with him. I don't see that not happening.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

zookeeper said:


> My bet is she thinks she is dating and he thinks he has a girlfriend.


It's this ^^^^

She is still a young, single party girl who is out on the market having fun and doing whatever she wants. That's fine and that's her prerogative. 

She's simply not invested in Aya's "relationship." 

As far as what to do here, it is actually quite simple - disinvest yourself in the relationship as well. Go back on the market, get out and have fun, go out with buddies, date other women as well. 

Whether or not you want to continue to see her after this is up to you. If she is a fun Sat night date and a hot piece of @$$ and you want to tap it some more - your call. On the other hand if she has lost all her appeal and you don't have it in you to continue seeing her after knowing she has got it on in the cabin with her ex - no one on God's Green Earth would question that either. 

The take away here is she is not there as an actual serious relationship. she may be fun and nice and sexy and you may have a great time together, but she is not invested in this relationship as a serious, exclusive relationship. 

I have proof of that fact - she is going to a cabin with her ex. 

Case Closed.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@aya91

Here is the advice I will give my son when he encounters a situation like this - do what you want but don't be chumped and don't be played as a fool.

Do you really think in one million billion trillion years that this ex would be taking her along if he wasn't expecting to score some poon out of the deal?

And don't you think that if he thought she would NOT do him, don't you think he would take someone else along that would do him instead??

And is any living, breathing post-puberty female so galacticaly stupid and naive that she wouldn't know that he wasn't expecting to score and do you think ANYONE would actually want to spend a week with their ex without wanting something to rekindle??

Whether you want to break up completely or continue to casually date and bang her when she gets back is up to you.

But don't be dumb and naive and actually think that they aren't going to getting down. 

Don't fall for any of this "controlling" crap. She just wants to have fun and suck his @( again and doesn't want you putting a damper on that. 

Just don't be played a fool and don't be manipulated or have any wool pulled over your eyes.

Make a rational decision based on the facts and don't be played as a naive little chump that really believes his GF played video games on her phone while everyone else was getting it on.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now that being said, it would not surprise me at all if she comes back all lovey dovey and saying what an arse the ex was and how she is now all ready to resume your relationship where it left off etc etc

Again, don't be a chump and don't be played the fool.

Realize his stuff is still going to be dripping out of her. And realize that even though their rekindling may not have worked out, she went into thinking that he may be the bigger, better deal and was giving it another go.

Do you really want to be the back up plan and fall back guy?

She's simply not invested and simply not in this as seriously as you. 

I don't care if you dump her and never see her again. I don't care if you booty call her now and then. I don't care if you meet her for lunch now then to hear about how her cats are doing and her new job is working out. 

But don't be dumb and don't be snowed into thinking this was all on the up and up and that she was just hanging with the girls while the boys fished and that she wasn't having another whirl with her ex.

Make a rational decision based on the realities and facts of the case and don't be swayed or snowed by her big puppy dog eyes or her tears or her 20 year old butt that you can crack an egg on. 

Be smart and use your big head and don't try to fool yourself or let anyone else fool you.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

The beta is strong with this one..


----------



## aya91 (Jul 28, 2017)

Thank you for all the answers! I'm glad I asked my question here, where a lot of people have far more experience with relationships than I have.





eric1 said:


> Aya, can you describe to be how communication have been since she left? Do you speak together on the phone with the other people in the cabin at least within theoretical earshot?


We occasionally exchange some short message online, and we talk on the phone. I must admit that she is always very sweet when we talk, she says that she misses me and that she can't wait to come back and see me. That the trip relaxes her, and that everything there is strictly friend-zone.

But it still hurts a lot. It's not about trust, because I trust her. It's about the principle and about the whole idea. She doesn't realise that.




james5588 said:


> You could talk to her and her intentions may be good, but at the very least, the boundary issue is a huge red flag.
> Yeah, it could be that she is young, but we've all seen experienced adults struggle with boundaries, too. Youth may be an acceptable explanation, but it doesn't make the act itself acceptable...


I believe she has good intentions, and that her age/experience simply doesn't allow her to see what negative consequences this might have for the relationship, even if nothing happens - it creates tension. I have no idea how to explain to her constructively that it's not okay without making it sound like I'm trying to be controlling (she clearly hasn't experienced a controlling boyfriend - I'm quite the opposite).




The Middleman said:


> @aya91
> It's not clear to me if you both agreed to be in an exclusive relationship.


The relationship is meant to be exclusive. While her previous relationship wasn't going well and her feelings had faded months before the breakup, the spark that made her leave the other guy was meeting me. Which makes it a complex situation. She claims it had always been only a friendship with her ex, she never really enjoyed sex with him (and she really does with me), nor did she feel physically attracted him that much (and she is very physically attracted to me, just like I'm attracted to her).

*Something more about the relationship:*
We're passionate and very open to each other. We also have three trips planned together (and already paid for), just the two of us. After two failed long relationships (5 and 3 years) this is the happiest I've ever been with a person. What confuses me is that in terms of communication she can act very maturely. We talk about problems, about potential problems, and we openly criticise each other if necessary. She isn't a drama queen, she doesn't do subtext or passive aggressive behaviour, and if there's an issue, she tells me about it. We promised not to hide anything from each other and to share any thought, no matter how unpleasant it may be, and so far it worked well.
This is the only topic where we haven't been able to find a common ground. Again - I believe she doesn't have bad intentions, but she's too naive in this regard to understand that it hurts our relationship, and even if she thinks nothing will happen... something _might_ happen.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I guess what really matters is what is she like 99% of the time? Dowa she give you no other worries whatsoever? Does she throw fits? Manipulate you? Make you feel guilty? Say she's going to be somewhere and not show up? Ditch you for her friends? Things like that? If nothing like this maybe she really doesn't have any feelings for him. But if you see any red flags, let us know and we'll tell you if it's worth worrying about.


----------



## aya91 (Jul 28, 2017)

turnera said:


> I guess what really matters is what is she like 99% of the time? Dowa she give you no other worries whatsoever? Does she throw fits? Manipulate you? Make you feel guilty? Say she's going to be somewhere and not show up? Ditch you for her friends? Things like that? If nothing like this maybe she really doesn't have any feelings for him. But if you see any red flags, let us know and we'll tell you if it's worth worrying about.


None of that. She has a busy social life, but nothing weird or worth being jealous about. She usually ditches her friends for me, is usually quite reliable (is rarely late and always shows up), doesn't make me feel guilty (if something bothers her she just tells me directly).


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

aya91 said:


> Thank you for all the answers! I'm glad I asked my question here, where a lot of people have far more experience with relationships than I have.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Dude! she's not the naïve one. You are. You are being played the fool here. 

She's on vacation in a cabin with another man. What part of that are you missing??


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I went to a soccer game today with my ex. Completely friend zone. It is called being mature.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

xMadame said:


> I went to a soccer game today with my ex. Completely friend zone. It is called being mature.


Do you have a current partner you would not allow to join the two of you?


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Aya, you're oozing beta and naivete, and I can smell it clear from here. Women like your ex girlfriend can sniff it out just as easily, thus you are easy prey. 

Man up, find your self respect and make a preemptive move to salvage your self esteem. You do this by not saying anything to poor boundary girl and hurry and get yourself a new girlfriend before she returns. An imaginary girlfriend will suffice if you can't get the real thing at the moment. Don't contact the ex girlfriend. 

If she contacts you after the trip just casually inform her she's been replaced while she was gone. Tell her what a great girlfriend she's been and invite her to some imaginary trip six months into the future. 

Might sound cruel or harsh at the moment, but it accomplishes two important objectives vital for both of you. First it serves to teach you to be a man with solid self image/esteem. Second, it provides valuable life experience for the growth of your ex girlfriend. 

Then you both should move on separately.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think the time to tell her it's not okay was BEFORE the trip.


----------



## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

The issue here is to see if there is a pattern to her behavior. If she's genuinely talking to you lovingly IN FRONT of everyone else then honestly I'd be a little relieved.

The tact her is to over-communicate. Clearly this isn't ideal behavior or logic. She needs to realize that and you also need to do a better job of communicating your own positions more clearly and sooner.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What was so important about this trip that she couldn't cancel it for another one, doing something that doesn't involve her ex? 

Let me guess, she calls him her "friend" now...


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

aya91 said:


> The Middleman said:
> 
> 
> > @aya91
> ...


What you said is all well and good, and maybe all of the above gives you some level of comfort that she will remain loyal to you while being one of two couples (I'm assuming the other 2 friends are a couple) on a cabin retreat, but this is so wrong, on so many levels when in an exclusive relationship. While her thinking going on this trip is no problem, what is more disturbing to me is your reaction to it. Letting her go on this jaunt; not knowing she is putting the relationship at risk and that it hurts you. She now thinks you're OK with this kind of behavior and you have now set the tone for the rest of the relationship, whether it's another six months or sixty years.

If this were me, I would have put all the cards on the table before the trip and said; If you go on this trip, our relationship is over, or at the very least, no longer exclusive.

When she gets back, be open and honest with her and let her know that you were really not OK with this trip, and that the contact with this ex needs to end, if the relationship is to continue. If her reaction is "You can't tell me who I can or cannot be friends with", you don't have a relationship, you have a f-buddy.

By the way, I still contend that they have/will have sex on this trip, and you will never really know, unless she decides to confess it.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have 3 trips planned and paid for. See if you can get any refunds.

You're 26 and have spent the past 8 years in 2 relationships and now this one. You have a history of hanging on to girlfriends - maybe after the expiration date?

Let me make this easy for you: she is not girlfriend material. There, now you don't have to waste 3 or 5 years figuring it out. And, I bet she is real relaxed while in a cabin with her ex.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> And, I bet she is real relaxed while in a cabin with her ex.


Probably too relaxed to already be committed to another... and for this lack of boundary issue alone would be my realization she hasn't matured enough to give a foundation for serious relationships, but then again, she is 20 and probably doesn't realize this herself in her defense.

Her desire for fun overruled her desire to understand her relationship, and often that comes in time and experience. If you were 30 and 36, I would not put this in a place to have to explain too deeply. At 26 and 20, it may be a valuable lesson for her to hear you out and listen to why you were conflicted with this poor choice.

You may find a defining moment in something seeded in your relationship that can grow, or you may be the lesson for her that shows poor choices come at a cost.

Your lesson in this is to practice communication and express disappointment in a healthy way.

Both have value for her, and you too as we are both learners and teachers in life.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Would she allow you to go on a trip with your ex? Same situation, another couple and you and your ex? Would she have ANY concerns? I'm not going to say she's going to or has cheated, but if she can't see this is a problem, there's YOUR problem.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She doesn't have to be wrong or evil to have thought going on this trip is ok. She's 20, and you aren't married to her.

But, you don't have to be wrong or evil to find it unacceptable she would go to a cabin in the woods for a week with an ex-lover.

This is about compatible values and belief systems regarding exclusive relationships. You are upset not because there is some objective or numerical fact which makes her a bad person. You judge her to be a good person. And she may be as kind hearted as you judge her to be. But she has a very different template in her mind of what is ok within your relationship. And that is what is causing you this distress. There is a contradiction which your brain can't reconcile.

The saying is very true that when you get all the information, the picture makes sense. If things don't make sense, you don't have all the information. What you're missing is the understanding that she is viewing your relationship and this trip very differently than you are. You are judging her based on your template and your biased assessment of her (it is known as "Truth Bias").

Which is why everybody here is saying she went on the trip with the full expectation of a sex with him, and probably with the hope of getting back into a fun relationship with him. That's because we see objectively what is going on (based on extensive life experience). And we know he is expecting sex with her. Unless he's a eunuch.

Don't get Oneitis. She is not the only one. She may be 99% a fantastic match for you, but she has this incompatible thing where she sees it ok to go on a couples vacation with an ex lover. You have the truth staring you in the face about her. This behavior will continue into the future if you stay with her.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

As EVERYONE has already written, I agree.

But as an aside, I think you ought to ratchet back the whole "buy trips to entertain the girl" strategy for getting a girlfriend.

If the only reason a girl stays interested in you is because you entertain her in vacation locations, then you have a problem.

Cancel the upcoming trips. dump the girl, and find romance elsewhere.

Two things occur to me.

Hey, cool! You have a 20-year-old girlfriend. 

Oh crap! You have a 20-year-old girlfriend.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

aya91 said:


> The official answer is that her ex is still unhappy about the breakup and kind of hates me. Since it's his cabin and his car, it was out of question that I'd go with them.





aya91 said:


> While her previous relationship wasn't going well and her feelings had faded months before the breakup, the spark that made her leave the other guy was meeting me. Which makes it a complex situation. She claims it had always been only a friendship with her ex, she never really enjoyed sex with him (and she really does with me), nor did she feel physically attracted him that much (and she is very physically attracted to me, just like I'm attracted to her).


For you to have been “the spark that made her leave” her ex, means that you were cheating with her in at least an emotional affair (EA) while she was still with her ex. Her rationalizing to you that it was OK for her to cheat with you because “she claims it had always been only a friendship with her ex” is called remaking history, and is a common thing that cheaters do. This is right out of the cheaters script. BTW, if she can cheat with you, she can cheat on you.

There are many people that post to these sites that have a relationship boundary against having any opposite sex friends (OSF). For those that do not have such a boundary against OSF, the majority have a boundary against having an ex as an OSF. For that small minority that have relationship boundaries that allow for OSF friends even if they were an ex, almost all have a boundary that requires that the OSF be a friend of the relationship that makes you feel welcome to join them. With the ex being “unhappy about the breakup and kind of hates” you, and with it being “out of question that” you would go with them, she is not respecting even the least restrictive and most basic of common relationship boundaries that most would instinctively know to follow.

Bottom line: Since this ex and the other couple view you as the other man that stole her away from him, that was allowed to happen because she claimed that you were just a friend that she has no romantic interest in (hey isn’t she now telling you that about the ex?), and he trusted her against common sense (hey aren’t you doing the same thing?), he feels in the moral right doing every backhanded thing in his power to get her back from you. If he does get her back, what are the odds that he will allow her to keep you as a friend that she can go on trips with?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It's what Thor said above.

She is simply not as invested in your relationship and is not on the same plane of reality as you.

She is a fun-time girl and a good sat night date or hook up. She is not serious LTR material and she is obviously not in this to be your wife and mother of your children.

She still has herself in the market and you would be wise to do the same.

Release your heart and investment from this gal and start meeting and going out with other women to find someone more compatible and who's values and relationship goals and who's mores are more inline with yours.


----------



## Deperatedwoman (Jul 31, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> If she wants to sleep with him she will,she doesn't need to travel to his cabin to do it. Anyway she is only twenty,she has a lot of living to do before she settles for one guy.



Exactly


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Do you have a current partner you would not allow to join the two of you?




He knows who I went with and is totally cool with it because he does the same with his ex. We do it for the kids...and talk about it and are mature about it.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm pretty sure the word 'exclusive' is self-explanatory It isn't one of those words like 'is' where the definition varies depending on who is slinging the crap. And, I'm almost certain it does not include an exception for former lovers with whom one made plans before breaking up. 

It would be interesting to know if before she committed to exclusivity, she stated up-front that these plans were in place and would be carried out.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

xMadame said:


> He knows who I went with and is totally cool with it because he does the same with his ex. We do it for the kids...and talk about it and are mature about it.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That's great but it doesn't answer my question. If your current guy DID want to join you would you and your ex say "no way this is our private time together." or would you say "We'll probably be discussing the kids and you might get bored, but of course you can come." Also, do you spend the night with your ex and another couple alone somewhere, when your current guy is not welcome?

I understand needing to communicate with an ex. But I think the "mature" thing to do here would be for her to pass on the vacation or bring her current guy along, unless she's just not serious about the OP. And maybe she's not. It's not like they're married. But if OP is serious about her, he should understand this is a very clear message that she is not serious.

Not for nothing, but my first husband cheated on me quite a few times with his first wife. I was never a jealous person in general, but always suspicious of his relationship with her, and he always tried to shame me for being suspicious by saying "She is the mother of my children. I have to see her. I can't stand her but the children come first..." 

At the time, I tried to be "mature" about it. That was stupid of me.


----------



## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

D A M N, dude. 

Anticipate much much more of the same from her. I'd suggest she get an STD test upon her return. You don't wanna risk your health based on what I've read from you. 

I predict a pregnancy next. Of course, yeah it's yours. Even looks like you. The DNA test was wrong. I trust her. No biggie. 

You'll be wondering how she can catch HPV from non-sexual sources...

Why are dudes taught to hate their Testosterone these days?????

She'll be a great hot wife for you.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Ah, to be young, in love, and trusting.

Then you wake up.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Let's make it simple, going to watch soccer with kids involved is not equal to a cabin in the woods vacation with an ex. One is a mature necessity, the other is not.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aya91 said:


> The official answer is that her ex is still unhappy about the breakup and kind of hates me. Since it's his cabin and his car, it was out of question that I'd go with them.


Oh. Well, that makes the situation far, far worse as there are opportunities for all sorts of stuff to happen.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Let's make it simple, going to watch soccer with kids involved is not equal to a cabin in the woods vacation with an ex. One is a mature necessity, the other is not.




We are going camping in a few weeks as well and will be sharing an air mattress. 

One of my close friends went to Disney for a week with her ex last year and her bf k ew where she was going and who she was with.

Some people cheat, some people do not. If they are going to cheat they are going to cheat and it doesnt have to be at a cabin in the woods, it can be anywhere.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

xMadame said:


> *We are going camping in a few weeks as well and will be sharing an air mattress.
> *
> One of my close friends went to Disney for a week with her ex last year and her bf k ew where she was going and who she was with.
> 
> ...


With your ex? Seriously?
:scratchhead:


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

aya91 said:


> We've been together for about 5 months (I'm 26, she's 20), right after she broke up with her ex. She had planned to spend a week in his cabin this summer, along with two more friends. We talked a lot about it and our relationship is going very well in terms of communication. We have really good sex, see each other every few days and we have a lot of fun together despite the age disparity. She assured me that the past relationship hadn't been going well for a long time and she wasn't attracted to him anymore, but she had planned that week a long time ago and wanted to spend some time with her friends and far away from civilisation and stress. Fair enough. She'll supposedly be sleeping in a room of her own.
> 
> Right now my subjective male-judgment tells me that she is happy with me and isn't missing anything, and I trust her. At the same time, it's a somewhat big red flag and it makes me panic. No matter what she says, she used to be attracted to that guy, it was her first boyfriend and they spend 3 years together. I avoid expressing my jealousy, but sometimes it does eat me up on the inside.
> 
> ...


Only one course of action based on the given facts. Dump her.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

xMadame said:


> We are going camping in a few weeks as well and *will be sharing an air mattress.
> *
> One of my close friends went to Disney for a week with her ex last year and her bf k ew where she was going and who she was with.
> 
> ...


Is that because air mattresses are so expensive or there is limited space in the camp or because you two just like sleeping together?


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Is that because air mattresses are so expensive or there is limited space in the camp or because you two just like sleeping together?




It is because I only have an 8 person tent and I only own 3 singles and 1 queen air mattress and that is all that fits in it. I have to sleep in the queen because it is up higher off the ground and is easier on my back and he is too big to sleep on the singles because they are made for kids. I wont make him sleep on the ground and I am not going to go out and buy another air mattress when there is no need. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

xMadame said:


> It is because I only have an 8 person tent and I only own 3 singles and 1 queen air mattress and that is all that fits in it. I have to sleep in the queen because it is up higher off the ground and is easier on my back and he is too big to sleep on the singles because they are made for kids. I wont make him sleep on the ground and I am not going to go out and buy another air mattress when there is no need.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


As long as your kids understand that mom is sleeping with dad solely because someone is too cheap to buy another mattress. They won't be confused in their future relationships. Nah. Nope.


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> It's what Thor said above.
> 
> *She is simply not as invested in your relationship and is not on the same plane of reality as you.*
> 
> ...


 @aya91, please take these words to heart, especially the bold. There is nothing wrong with her, or you; it's just that the two of you are in different places when it comes to what you're looking for in a relationship. 

You want a long-term, serious relationship. She might want a relationship, but she doesn't want a serious one leading to marriage right now. If she was looking for a serious relationship right now, she never would have voluntarily left you behind for such a long time. People who are madly in love want to be together, especially early in the relationship. 

She is really young. She is probably less than a thousand days out of high school, honestly. While some people do know that they want to be married at a young age, most people don't. You've had half a decade to live more, be in more relationships, realize how things work. 

She might have left for the vacation with the best of intentions. But odds are, even if she went there thinking it would be platonic, the powerful pull of old friends, hanging out as couples, the ex who still wants her, the "how it was" factor would bring her back into the relationship with her ex- at least for the duration of the vacation. Up until now, she wouldn't have had that experience to know how powerful an Ex can be (especially a recent ex out of a long-term relationship.) She has terrible boundaries. She probably doesn't even realize she needs them.

She is at the beginning of her adult learning curve. If you'd held your ground and told you didn't want her to go, she might have listened...but she would still have had to learn the boundaries lesson for herself somewhere down the line. 

Don't beat yourself up. I don't think it has anything to do with respect, or even anything about you. You are probably just a few years too early. It's probably going to take some time for her wants to become compatible with a safe, successful long-term (measured in decades, not years) relationship.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

.....NVM........

I get it now. No, we disagree, but your comments are from a different situation.


----------



## aya91 (Jul 28, 2017)

RoseAglow said:


> She might have left for the vacation with the best of intentions. But odds are, even if she went there thinking it would be platonic, the powerful pull of old friends, hanging out as couples, the ex who still wants her, the "how it was" factor would bring her back into the relationship with her ex- at least for the duration of the vacation. Up until now, she wouldn't have had that experience to know how powerful an Ex can be (especially a recent ex out of a long-term relationship.) She has terrible boundaries. She probably doesn't even realize she needs them.
> 
> She is at the beginning of her adult learning curve. If you'd held your ground and told you didn't want her to go, she might have listened...but she would still have had to learn the boundaries lesson for herself somewhere down the line.
> 
> Don't beat yourself up. I don't think it has anything to do with respect, or even anything about you. You are probably just a few years too early. It's probably going to take some time for her wants to become compatible with a safe, successful long-term (measured in decades, not years) relationship.


She does claim however that she wants a serious long-term relationship with me. Probably she simply doesn't know what it implies. 

So you don't believe there is a way to deal with this constructively, to make her understand what the boundaries are, why they are needed in the first place and to go through the adult learning curve with her?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

aya91 said:


> She does claim however that she wants a serious long-term relationship with me. Probably she simply doesn't know what it implies.
> 
> So you don't believe there is a way to deal with this constructively, to make her understand what the boundaries are, why they are needed in the first place and to go through the adult learning curve with her?


She's twenty - not ten. She knows exactly what she's doing which is she is doing exactly what she wants.

You are suggesting she just doesn't know any better so you will be the patient, kind, understanding older man who will carefully guide her thinking and shape her behavior to your liking. In short, a parent-child relationship to you and a controlling, jealous, and patronizing relationship to her. Good luck.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's too immature to know what it really means. I didn't even really understand love til I was about 30 - it means sacrifice, putting the other person's needs ahead of yourself because you care more about their happiness, wanting the best for them. In her young brain she just thinks it's something fun to do - for herself.

The only way I can see to redeem this is to pull back and tell her you two can date again, among others, and see if there is anything there long term - like a couple years down the road. Though I doubt she'll still be in the picture by then. Look for someone closer to your own age. When my DD26 was 20, she thought the idea of dating a 26-year-old man was gross, because she KNEW they were too different.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

aya91 said:


> She does claim however that she wants a serious long-term relationship with me. Probably she simply doesn't know what it implies.
> 
> So you don't believe there is a way to deal with this constructively, to make her understand what the boundaries are, why they are needed in the first place and to go through the adult learning curve with her?


You have to tell her what YOUR boundaries are. One of which is your gf, who " wants a serious long-term relationship with me. " doesn't go away with her ex.

If she can't grasp that simple fact....


----------



## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

Let's see ... an older man for stability and security, and an exciting younger guy for fun ... sounds like she has the ideal setup.

"I don't really like him" is womanese for "he's really hot".


----------



## aya91 (Jul 28, 2017)

Good Guy said:


> Let's see ... an older man for stability and security, and an exciting younger guy for fun ... sounds like she has the ideal setup.
> 
> "I don't really like him" is womanese for "he's really hot".


I don't see why she'd go there just for the sex. We have sex multiple times per day and it's really, really good, for her just as much as for me.
She didn't like sex with him and they didn't do it more than 2-3 times per month.


----------



## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

aya91 said:


> I believe she has good intentions, and that her age/experience simply doesn't allow her to see what negative consequences this might have for the relationship, even if nothing happens - it creates tension. I have no idea how to explain to her constructively that it's not okay without making it sound like I'm trying to be controlling (she clearly hasn't experienced a controlling boyfriend - I'm quite the opposite).


She, or some of her close friends, HAVE experienced a controlling boyfriend. She is lying to you.


----------



## aya91 (Jul 28, 2017)

Good Guy said:


> She, or some of her close friends, HAVE experienced a controlling boyfriend.


Why do you think so?


----------



## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

aya91 said:


> She didn't like sex with him and they didn't do it more than 2-3 times per month.


You have a LOT to learn about women my friend. What do you think she would say, he's better in bed than you are, and we were at it like rabbits???


----------



## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

aya91 said:


> Why do you think so?


Because there are lots of real controlling boyfriends out there. Have you never seen any?


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


----------



## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

aya91 said:


> I don't see why she'd go there just for the sex. We have sex multiple times per day and it's really, really good, for her just as much as for me.
> She didn't like sex with him and they didn't do it more than 2-3 times per month.


UNBELIEVABLE. 

She likes side ****. In fact she very much likes the idea of side ****. Even better than yours. 

My only question. Are you grooming her or is she grooming you?


----------



## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Trust the guy to be persistent and nail her. They've done it already. She loves it, dude.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

aya91 said:


> Being jealous makes me feel like a controlling idiot, trusting her makes me feel like a fool who's being played.


You are looking at this all wrong....

She should of CANCELLED the trip and never put you in the position of feeling like either A) a controller or B) a ****.

The fact that she's going shows she cares far more about her needs than yours. If she wasn't 20, I'd say dump her immediately.

Instead, since it's pretty obvious this relationship is going no where, restructure it as "casual" and keep screwing her till she moves on.

Most 20 yos don't want anything serious anyway. Too young. She's still sowing her oats so she might as well plant a few in your soil.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Regardless of what she's ''doing'' on the trip, the fact that she went knowing it bothered you, should be enough to stop seeing her. She shouldn't want to hang out with an ex or any guy in a setting like that, without you. If she's into you. 

Her age isn't the problem. There are people on this site who have been married for 30 years, and decide to cheat and act like irresponsible teenagers, sadly. Nah, age itself isn't the problem, it's the fact that your gf just doesn't care what you think. 

And you act like a doormat, it sounds like...so...expect more of this treatment if you continue with her, if you just let her walk on you.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

aya91 said:


> I don't see why she'd go there just for the sex. We have sex multiple times per day and it's really, really good, for her just as much as for me.
> She didn't like sex with him and they didn't do it more than 2-3 times per month.


:grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2: You'd be a great customer, I've got some fresh water from Mars, $10 for 5 mls, are you interested?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

aya91 said:


> I don't see why she'd go there just for the sex. We have sex multiple times per day and it's really, really good, for her just as much as for me.
> She didn't like sex with him and they didn't do it more than 2-3 times per month.


And this is word for word what she will be saying about you to her next BF.

God only knows what she says about you to the guy she went on vacation with.

(I'm not even going to call him her "ex" anymore. 'Ex' implies a former relationship. If she is traveling with him and staying with him in a cabin, he is more current than you at the moment. As you are the one sitting at home while she is with him, that means you are currently the 'ex.'


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

and no...no one seeks out a forum like this and is that "naive"... at 10 pages and still acting silly


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Dude, at 26 you are no more mature than she is. 

It will be a learning experience for you. She's screwing him for sure. Don't get too serious with her, for your sake. 

I'm done with this thread. 

Good luck.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

aya91 said:


> So you don't believe there is a way to deal with this constructively, to make her understand what the boundaries are, why they are needed in the first place and to go through the adult learning curve with her?


You're not getting it. 

She is not doing this because she is uninformed or missing some key piece of information. 

She is doing it because she wants to, because she is not all that into you or invested in your relationship, and because it is in her character to whatever she wants regardless of how much it hurts your feelings. 

There for there is nothing you can explain that will make a light go off and have her dump the other guy for good and come back to you and throw herself at your feet. 

This is a character issue a commitment issue a selfishness issue and a relationship investment (or lack there of) issue. It is not an educational issue or lack of knowledge issue. 

Even a 6th grade girl with a crush on Jimmy knows that she should not hold hands with Joey on the moonlight skate at the skating rink if she is wanting to get with Jimmy.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And everyone including Aya needs to stop thinking that she is immature or naïve. 

Aya is showing that he is the naïve one that isn't seeing the forest for the trees. 

She knows exactly what she is doing and knows that she is able to play Aya like a fiddle. She knows perfectly well what she is doing and she is working it like a champ. She is able to have her cake and eat it too and have him clean up all the crumbs and wash the dishes afterwards. 

Gimme a "C" - C

Gimme an "H"- H

Gimme a "U" U

Gimme an "M" M

Gimme a "P" - P


.......And the reason we all know that is because we have all been there, done that and got the t-shirt before. 

Some day Aya will be the one telling some love struck, naïve little chump that he is being played a fool.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

aya91 said:


> I don't see why she'd go there just for the sex. We have sex multiple times per day and it's really, really good, for her just as much as for me.
> She didn't like sex with him and they didn't do it more than 2-3 times per month.


 With cheaters, the issue is not the other man (OM) being better than you. The issue is that the cheater wants both you and the OM, since you plus the OM is greater than just you, no matter if overall you are better than the OM. Since they know that you would not be OK with this, the only way that a cheater can get what they want is to sneak behind your back and cheat.


----------



## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Beta or omega? Even they have some sense of things.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> and no...no one seeks out a forum like this and is that "naive"... at 10 pages and still acting silly




Nailed it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LOL. I got caught up in the logical fallacies.

Your gf went off with someone you BOTH KNOW wants her back, dislikes you and hates how the relationship ended. You go ahead and follow the rational advice of, it is mature to hang out with an ex who shares no kids with you. We'll be here when you come back.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> LOL. I got caught up in the logical fallacies.
> 
> Your gf went off with someone you BOTH KNOW wants her back, dislikes you and hates how the relationship ended. You go ahead and follow the rational advice of, it is mature to hang out with an ex who shares no kids with you. We'll be here when you come back.


Yeah I think he must've missed the part where she was going on vacation to a cabin with some other guy.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@aya91
Any update on how your GF's "retreat" went? Around here we don't necessarily assume "No news is good news".


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> @aya91
> Any update on how your GF's "retreat" went? Around here we don't necessarily assume "No news is good news".


I assume for her it fulfilling (full filling!!) get it? 

sorry


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

WTF. 

Are you for real. You have gotten some great insight and advice. 

Trust is not having a problem with your girlfriend going out or vacationing with her gf's. 

I honestly don't know why to call staying with a gf that goes away for a week with a ex boyfriend. Unless you are in an open relationship. If so hope you got some to that week, she did.


----------

