# Not For The Faint Hearted



## Sparkles422

Peeling the layers of ego protection is pain-staking work.

It all has come down to fear and pride for us. We discuss everything. We measure our feelings, own them and understand them. We do not point the finger at one another, we are motivated by reconciliation and learning where we went wrong and to prevent it from happening again.

Our re-union is stronger than any day of the marriage. That is the truth. 

We feel that we had to go through the fires of re-birth to know ourselves and then know each other.

Truly a miracle but in order for it to work you must want it to and be willing to open yourself up to looking at the real you. Not scary at all. Just feelings, remember. It's mostly ego protection and once you tear that down, communication is much cleaner.

Good luck to all that are trying it. For me, it's worth it.


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## sadwithouthim

Sparkles422 said:


> Peeling the layers of ego protection is pain-staking work.
> 
> It all has come down to fear and pride for us. We discuss everything. We measure our feelings, own them and understand them. We do not point the finger at one another, we are motivated by reconciliation and learning where we went wrong and to prevent it from happening again.
> 
> Our re-union is stronger than any day of the marriage. That is the truth.
> 
> We feel that we had to go through the fires of re-birth to know ourselves and then know each other.
> 
> Truly a miracle but in order for it to work you must want it to and be willing to open yourself up to looking at the real you. Not scary at all. Just feelings, remember. It's mostly ego protection and once you tear that down, communication is much cleaner.
> 
> Good luck to all that are trying it. For me, it's worth it.


Thanks for sharing. I'm rooting for you two to continue progressing. You're both in my prayers. Stories like yours are empowering to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb

Sparkles422 said:


> Peeling the layers of ego protection is pain-staking work.
> 
> It all has come down to fear and pride for us. We discuss everything. We measure our feelings, own them and understand them. We do not point the finger at one another, we are motivated by reconciliation and learning where we went wrong and to prevent it from happening again.
> 
> Our re-union is stronger than any day of the marriage. That is the truth.
> 
> We feel that we had to go through the fires of re-birth to know ourselves and then know each other.
> 
> Truly a miracle but in order for it to work you must want it to and be willing to open yourself up to looking at the real you. Not scary at all. Just feelings, remember. It's mostly ego protection and once you tear that down, communication is much cleaner.
> 
> Good luck to all that are trying it. For me, it's worth it.


Wish you the best.

This gives me hope..


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## nodespair

Sparkles,
I hope it works out for you. I am too going through reconciliation. I had served him divorce papers but we have decided to work it out. It's good to read about another couple going through a similar situation. It gives me hope. I hope that it all works out for you. 
Or at least I hope for happiness, whatever that happiness may be for everyone on this site


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## Jayb

nodespair said:


> Sparkles,
> I hope it works out for you. I am too going through reconciliation. I had served him divorce papers but we have decided to work it out. It's good to read about another couple going through a similar situation. It gives me hope. I hope that it all works out for you.
> Or at least I hope for happiness, whatever that happiness may be for everyone on this site


What made you both decide to pursue R?

My wife is attending MC with me, but it _may_ be more for support for me, rather than her actively open to counseling. 

She has doubts that she can ever love me again.


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## Sparkles422

Jayb said:


> What made you both decide to pursue R?
> 
> My wife is attending MC with me, but it _may_ be more for support for me, rather than her actively open to counseling.
> 
> She has doubts that she can ever love me again.



I had emailed him asking for peace, he replied that he was "sooooo happy I contacted him." We met and spoke for 4 hours and then called each other and spoke on the phone for another 6 hours. And it just progressed from there. We realized we had harmed each other so terribly but we still loved one another.

With us, we still loved each other and with that strong foundation we were able to start the process of healing and forgiving. It was important for me to forgive his EA and it was important for me to hear that he knew, now, the grass was not greener and that he had made a terrible mistake. I had my own transgressions (shutting down and ignoring him and taking things out on him) to own up to.

But essentially we really liked each other, were close friends and laughed alot and the affection was re-kindled and need I say: the sex is fantastic because of the tenderness and trust.

Best of luck to you. I hope it works out for all of us.

PS: He answered every question I had and I answered every question he had. That is important, very.


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## Jayb

Sparkles422 said:


> I had emailed him asking for peace, he replied that he was "sooooo happy I contacted him." We met and spoke for 4 hours and then called each other and spoke on the phone for another 6 hours. And it just progressed from there. We realized we had harmed each other so terribly but we still loved one another.
> 
> With us, we still loved each other and with that strong foundation we were able to start the process of healing and forgiving. It was important for me to forgive his EA and it was important for me to hear that he knew, now, the grass was not greener and that he had made a terrible mistake. I had my own transgressions (shutting down and ignoring him and taking things out on him) to own up to.
> 
> But essentially we really liked each other, were close friends and laughed alot and the affection was re-kindled and need I say: the sex is fantastic because of the tenderness and trust.
> 
> Best of luck to you. I hope it works out for all of us.
> 
> PS: He answered every question I had and I answered every question he had. That is important, very.


Your story might have been possible for us a few years ago.

Unfortunately, my wife remains unconvinced. We are great friends. However, she fell out of love a few years ago, and thus went through these separation grieving stages already. I'm just now hearing them.

I wish and pray for your success.


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## Sparkles422

Jayb said:


> Your story might have been possible for us a few years ago.
> 
> Unfortunately, my wife remains unconvinced. We are great friends. However, she fell out of love a few years ago, and thus went through these separation grieving stages already. I'm just now hearing them.
> 
> I wish and pray for your success.



I am sorry for you.
I went through that this past year but it didn't burn the love out, it made me able to depend on myself and stand on my own two feet. We had gotten divorced in July of 2011. It was very difficult: the pain. But if it is any consolation, I would (please God :no, lol) go through it again, to get where I am and what I have today.

You have a path, believe it or not. You may not see it but it's there. My prayers are with you my friend.


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## Jayb

Sparkles422 said:


> I am sorry for you.
> I went through that this past year but it didn't burn the love out, it made me able to depend on myself and stand on my own two feet. We had gotten divorced in July of 2011. It was very difficult: the pain. But if it is any consolation, I would (please God :no, lol) go through it again, to get where I am and what I have today.
> 
> You have a path, believe it or not. You may not see it but it's there. My prayers are with you my friend.


I appreciate this so much. I am 3 weeks into my new path. I've made progress in all areas. I hope it will prepare me for either the D or R. I'm not sure which right this moment.

But, right now, I'm on my mission for ME, and our children.


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## DownUnder

Sparkles422 said:


> I am sorry for you.
> I went through that this past year but it didn't burn the love out, it made me able to depend on myself and stand on my own two feet. We had gotten divorced in July of 2011. It was very difficult: the pain. But if it is any consolation, I would (please God :no, lol) go through it again, to get where I am and what I have today.
> 
> You have a path, believe it or not. You may not see it but it's there. My prayers are with you my friend.


Sparkles, im really happy for you and you give me hope that maybe one day my husband and i will be able to reach to the point where you are.

We are only 3 weeks into reconciliation and so far its been one hell of a bumpy ride as he is still not sure how he feels towards me. We are still working towards rebuilding and reconnecting...but he did say a few weeks ago that eventho he really want us to work out he is not sure if he can get that feeling back that he used to feel towards me.

He asked for more time as it is still very early days of reconcilliation. All i can do now is be patient and keep praying to God that his heart will be healed and that our marriage will be restored to a much better and stronger state than what it was before.


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## Sparkles422

DownUnder said:


> Sparkles, im really happy for you and you give me hope that maybe one day my husband and i will be able to reach to the point where you are.
> 
> We are only 3 weeks into reconciliation and so far its been one hell of a bumpy ride as he is still not sure how he feels towards me. We are still working towards rebuilding and reconnecting...but he did say a few weeks ago that eventho he really want us to work out he is not sure if he can get that feeling back that he used to feel towards me.
> 
> He asked for more time as it is still very early days of reconcilliation. All i can do now is be patient and keep praying to God that his heart will be healed and that our marriage will be restored to a much better and stronger state than what it was before.


I don't know what feeling he is describing but if he is talking about the firework's feeling that is fake.

The feelings my ex and I have for each other are far different than what we had during the marriage. Your marriage may be totally different but we hid behind walls of defense and we didn't really let each other in. The BIG difference today is that we are de-constructing those walls which take alot of patience, self-reflection, communication, TRUST and honesty. This is much more enduring than what we had prior.

Maybe he won't get that "love" back but it can be replaced with a truer and more mature love. Respect and appreciation, affection and friendship. Let me tell you with that foundation, the intimacy is out of this world fantastic. (It was great before but nothing like this!)

A new, more valuable true relationship and love may be waiting for both of you. Just needs patience and respect and communication. My prayers are with you both. If you both really want it, it will happen.


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## Jayb

Sparkles422 said:


> I don't know what feeling he is describing but if he is talking about the firework's feeling that is fake.
> 
> The feelings my ex and I have for each other are far different than what we had during the marriage. Your marriage may be totally different but we hid behind walls of defense and we didn't really let each other in. The BIG difference today is that we are de-constructing those walls which take alot of patience, self-reflection, communication, TRUST and honesty. This is much more enduring than what we had prior.
> 
> Maybe he won't get that "love" back but it can be replaced with a truer and more mature love. Respect and appreciation, affection and friendship. Let me tell you with that foundation, the intimacy is out of this world fantastic. (It was great before but nothing like this!)
> 
> A new, more valuable true relationship and love may be waiting for both of you. Just needs patience and respect and communication. My prayers are with you both. If you both really want it, it will happen.


I like this.

However, I get feedback from others to just accept what is and move on. How can I ride that fine line of hope and detachment?


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## Sparkles422

Jayb said:


> I like this.
> 
> However, I get feedback from others to just accept what is and move on. How can I ride that fine line of hope and detachment?


Jay:

Of course that is right. Accept what is and start a new life. That's what I did back in February of 2011. What I am talking about did not happen last year, it took a year of pain, growth, self reflection, a new life, new friends, a different career and NO CONTACT.

What occurred this year was entirely unexpected, entirely. I had only emailed him for peace, it was closure of sorts for me. What happened next was beyond any expectations I went in with initially.

You are in pain and confusion. Your world has upended and the feelings of insecurity and fear are consuming at this point. What I did was join a group of people that understood me, I journaled, I shared, I started IC and prayed, prayed, prayed to be relieved of the pain of betrayal. But I had to go through the fire of re-birth because my path proved to be one of understanding myself, what my contribution to the dissolution of the marriage was and to work on those things so if I ever had another relationship I would be healed and more mature next go round. You see, it was really over for me, not my feelings but mentally. I had moved on as much as I did not want to because I loved him still. But such is life, it doesn't always work out the way we want it to. However, I discovered that I learned I could not have learned any other way. Looking back, the lesson was perfectly delivered in a manner that I could not ignore.

You can have your learning experience too, if you want it. Hang in there, there is a plan. Not yours, not mine but God's. The best designer of them all in teaching us love. Believe it or not, it came down to learning how to love myself and once I knew how to do that, suddenly the rest fell into place and made sense.


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## DownUnder

Sparkles422 said:


> I don't know what feeling he is describing but if he is talking about the firework's feeling that is fake.
> 
> The feelings my ex and I have for each other are far different than what we had during the marriage. Your marriage may be totally different but we hid behind walls of defense and we didn't really let each other in. The BIG difference today is that we are de-constructing those walls which take alot of patience, self-reflection, communication, TRUST and honesty. This is much more enduring than what we had prior.
> 
> Maybe he won't get that "love" back but it can be replaced with a truer and more mature love. Respect and appreciation, affection and friendship. Let me tell you with that foundation, the intimacy is out of this world fantastic. (It was great before but nothing like this!)
> 
> A new, more valuable true relationship and love may be waiting for both of you. Just needs patience and respect and communication. My prayers are with you both. If you both really want it, it will happen.


I really wish you can speak to my husband and explain this to him because i totally understand what you say but I dont think my husband understand....he is still expecting that 'in love' feeling like what he experienced before we had kids.

I told him that was unreasonable expectation but no matter what i say it doesn't seem to get thru to him. he keeps saying over and over that he refused to live life just 'going thru the motion' which i totally get and i dont want to live like that either....but expecting that 'in love' feeling to come back is totally unreasonable to me, but he can't see that.....at times this makes me feel totally hopeless


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## Jayb

Sparkles422 said:


> Jay:
> 
> Of course that is right. Accept what is and start a new life. That's what I did back in February of 2011. What I am talking about did not happen last year, it took a year of pain, growth, self reflection, a new life, new friends, a different career and NO CONTACT.
> 
> What occurred this year was entirely unexpected, entirely. I had only emailed him for peace, it was closure of sorts for me. What happened next was beyond any expectations I went in with initially.
> 
> You are in pain and confusion. Your world has upended and the feelings of insecurity and fear are consuming at this point. What I did was join a group of people that understood me, I journaled, I shared, I started IC and prayed, prayed, prayed to be relieved of the pain of betrayal. But I had to go through the fire of re-birth because my path proved to be one of understanding myself, what my contribution to the dissolution of the marriage was and to work on those things so if I ever had another relationship I would be healed and more mature next go round. You see, it was really over for me, not my feelings but mentally. I had moved on as much as I did not want to because I loved him still. But such is life, it doesn't always work out the way we want it to. However, I discovered that I learned I could not have learned any other way. Looking back, the lesson was perfectly delivered in a manner that I could not ignore.
> 
> You can have your learning experience too, if you want it. Hang in there, there is a plan. Not yours, not mine but God's. The best designer of them all in teaching us love. Believe it or not, it came down to learning how to love myself and once I knew how to do that, suddenly the rest fell into place and made sense.


Wow, this crappy day I initially had, turned out very nice due to a lot of feedback I read today!

You have pretty much nailed my situation and status. I'm only 3 weeks into it.

Do you recommend any books, besides the Bible, which I rely on, that helped you accept what was/is and to learn to love yourself?

I was miserable with myself in our later years in the marriage, and drank to numb myself. Now, I'm on a new path and ready to learn and apply to benefit ME. then our children, family, and friends.

Patience during this time is so important, but yet, challenging.


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## Jayb

DownUnder said:


> I really wish you can speak to my husband and explain this to him because i totally understand what you say but I dont think my husband understand....*he is still expecting that 'in love' feeling like what he experienced before we had kids.*I told him that was unreasonable expectation but no matter what i say it doesn't seem to get thru to him. he keeps saying over and over that he refused to live life just 'going thru the motion' which i totally get and i dont want to live like that either....but expecting that 'in love' feeling to come back is totally unreasonable to me, but he can't see that.....at times this makes me feel totally hopeless


For too many of our married years, intimacy was neglected. My wife needed to be loved in her way, which was oblivious to me. My wife and I both realize the stages of love, but I think she still years for that initial lovey feeling, and being told that it's a fleeting stage adds to her disappointment.

Love is action. Feelings follow.


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## Sparkles422

DownUnder said:


> I really wish you can speak to my husband and explain this to him because i totally understand what you say but I dont think my husband understand....he is still expecting that 'in love' feeling like what he experienced before we had kids.
> 
> I told him that was unreasonable expectation but no matter what i say it doesn't seem to get thru to him. he keeps saying over and over that he refused to live life just 'going thru the motion' which i totally get and i dont want to live like that either....but expecting that 'in love' feeling to come back is totally unreasonable to me, but he can't see that.....at times this makes me feel totally hopeless


Unfortunately, as you well know I am sure, the only person we can change is ourselves. But what if you can set the example by beginning to change and to lower your expectations a wee bit. Perhaps, you have expected him to read your mind (I know I did) when you wanted a hug, let's say, instead ask, "Would you hug me, I would love that?" Things of this nature. I guess you can choose to be hopeless or look at this like a challenge. I think that is better for all of us : to view these difficulties as challenges to us on how to live better, communicate better etc...Yes, it is work and habit is hard to stop but if you really want change then the best and most rewarding change is yourself. You can do this. I know you can because I did. And I am just another run of the mill human being. LOL


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## Sparkles422

Jayb said:


> Wow, this crappy day I initially had, turned out very nice due to a lot of feedback I read today!
> 
> You have pretty much nailed my situation and status. I'm only 3 weeks into it.
> 
> Do you recommend any books, besides the Bible, which I rely on, that helped you accept what was/is and to learn to love yourself?
> 
> I was miserable with myself in our later years in the marriage, and drank to numb myself. Now, I'm on a new path and ready to learn and apply to benefit ME. then our children, family, and friends.
> 
> Patience during this time is so important, but yet, challenging.



One of the first things I did was go down to the library and read about marriage and divorce. There are resources there that will certainly help you, they helped me.

I stopped having my drinks in the evening. Totally stopped because alcohol is a depressant and all it did was make it worse for me. Good that you stopped!! Then I started a routine. I walked the dog every morning before light, because that is a magical time for me before the day unfolds: so mysterious. I started to appreciate the small things that gave me comfort and used them for that comfort. When things got painful, I would focus on what I WAS doing at this moment in time and kept pulling myself back to live in this moment ONLY.

And then I began the big stuff: I changed my career and enrolled full time in school to complete a BS in Human Services. As I said we all have our paths and you will discover yours.

Baby steps, baby steps, be soft on yourself, love yourself, comfort yourself with things that make you feel safe and good. An old movie, a kung fu movie, popcorn, chicken soup, a cozy pillow, petting your dog, hot bath, hot shower, hugging your children, reading to your children, a great book for yourself...I am sure you have many of your own that will keep you comforted. Use them.


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## Ingalls

Sparkles422 said:


> One of the first things I did was go down to the library and read about marriage and divorce. There are resources there that will certainly help you, they helped me.
> 
> I stopped having my drinks in the evening. Totally stopped because alcohol is a depressant and all it did was make it worse for me. Good that you stopped!! Then I started a routine. I walked the dog every morning before light, because that is a magical time for me before the day unfolds: so mysterious. I started to appreciate the small things that gave me comfort and used them for that comfort. When things got painful, I would focus on what I WAS doing at this moment in time and kept pulling myself back to live in this moment ONLY.
> 
> And then I began the big stuff: I changed my career and enrolled full time in school to complete a BS in Human Services. As I said we all have our paths and you will discover yours.
> 
> Baby steps, baby steps, be soft on yourself, love yourself, comfort yourself with things that make you feel safe and good. An old movie, a kung fu movie, popcorn, chicken soup, a cozy pillow, petting your dog, hot bath, hot shower, hugging your children, reading to your children, a great book for yourself...I am sure you have many of your own that will keep you comforted. Use them.


This is so encouraging....thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DownUnder

Sparkles422 said:


> Unfortunately, as you well know I am sure, the only person we can change is ourselves. But what if you can set the example by beginning to change and to lower your expectations a wee bit. Perhaps, you have expected him to read your mind (I know I did) when you wanted a hug, let's say, instead ask, "Would you hug me, I would love that?" Things of this nature. I guess you can choose to be hopeless or look at this like a challenge. I think that is better for all of us : to view these difficulties as challenges to us on how to live better, communicate better etc...Yes, it is work and habit is hard to stop but if you really want change then the best and most rewarding change is yourself. You can do this. I know you can because I did. And I am just another run of the mill human being. LOL


Thank you for your advice, i really do appreciate it.

You see we had a discussion the other day about this and i told him that because my love language is 'physical touch' i need the day to day affections from him....and he said to me that he doesn't want to give me affections only because i need it, he said he wants to give it to me when he feels like doing it.

So if i ask him to give me a hug, he will probably only do it out of obligation or feel like being forced to do it because i asked him. Yes i might get the hug i want but if he doesn't want to do it will he resent me for asking?

I dont want to beg for affections from my own husband....but on the other hand i feel so unloved that its killing me inside.


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## Sparkles422

DownUnder said:


> Thank you for your advice, i really do appreciate it.
> 
> You see we had a discussion the other day about this and i told him that because my love language is 'physical touch' i need the day to day affections from him....and he said to me that he doesn't want to give me affections only because i need it, he said he wants to give it to me when he feels like doing it.
> 
> So if i ask him to give me a hug, he will probably only do it out of obligation or feel like being forced to do it because i asked him. Yes i might get the hug i want but if he doesn't want to do it will he resent me for asking?
> 
> I dont want to beg for affections from my own husband....but on the other hand i feel so unloved that its killing me inside.


It would make me sad if the person I loved and that I loved me said they would only touch me when they wanted to and not when I asked. That sounds so selfish. I really don't like to make a judgement without knowing the person but your sentence reads like that.

Has he always felt that way? In what other ways do you feel good about how he shows his tenderness to you? Maybe he is good at other things that have been sufficient up until now. If you want the hug and are expecting a return, maybe you are setting yourself up to be disappointed? Perhaps, there is something else you can substitute for this contact, a kiss? a gesture? a pet? I don't know. What had been working for you?

I don't know your situation and I don't pretend to have any answers, all I can tell you is what is working for me. And being human we all have the same basic needs: to be loved and to love.

If you want the hug just for contact without expecting any return go for it. If you are, you may be disappointed and hurt. Search for other things that make you feel good and that make him feel good.

I understand you are looking for affection. Does your husband know what that is? Show him the definition. Tell him that is a normal desire and here's how you do it, donkey. LOL and luck.

You'll get through this somehow because you are investigating alternatives. You have curiosity about improving your relationship and that takes courage and strength. Good for you.


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## DownUnder

Sparkles422 said:


> It would make me sad if the person I loved and that I loved me said they would only touch me when they wanted to and not when I asked. That sounds so selfish. I really don't like to make a judgement without knowing the person but your sentence reads like that.
> 
> Has he always felt that way? In what other ways do you feel good about how he shows his tenderness to you? Maybe he is good at other things that have been sufficient up until now. If you want the hug and are expecting a return, maybe you are setting yourself up to be disappointed? Perhaps, there is something else you can substitute for this contact, a kiss? a gesture? a pet? I don't know. What had been working for you?
> 
> I don't know your situation and I don't pretend to have any answers, all I can tell you is what is working for me. And being human we all have the same basic needs: to be loved and to love.
> 
> If you want the hug just for contact without expecting any return go for it. If you are, you may be disappointed and hurt. Search for other things that make you feel good and that make him feel good.
> 
> I understand you are looking for affection. Does your husband know what that is? Show him the definition. Tell him that is a normal desire and here's how you do it, donkey. LOL and luck.
> 
> You'll get through this somehow because you are investigating alternatives. You have curiosity about improving your relationship and that takes courage and strength. Good for you.


Thanks Sparkles, even hearing you say that encourages me to keep going and keep fighting for my family and my marriage.

It does make me feel sad that he doesn't feel incline to touch me but i dont usually ask for him to hug me or ask for a kiss because he specifically said that if he doesn't feel like doing it (giving affections) then he doesn't want to, so i dont want to ask him because i dont want him to feel obligated to give me a hug or a kiss just because i asked.

I wait for him to give those affection because he said he doesn't want to give them to me just because i need it.

So its like catch 22....i can't asked because i dont want him to feel obligated to give me affection, and he won't give affection if he doesn't feel like it (and because he is not an affectionate person by nature it doesn't come easily to him).

So far i have received nothing for the last couple of weeks and its making me sad and sadder as everyday goes by and i continue feel unloved and unfullfilled. I need affections and physical touch as it is my main emotional need. 

At this rate, it feels like im in a dessert waiting for rain....

I still feel lonely eventho he has moved back home.

On the positive side, he really is an amazing father and i couldnt have chosen a better man to be a father to my kids. Its good to have him in the house as he helps a lot with the kids, we agree on most things when its comes to the kids and the kids are happy. He also helps around the house and he works hard to supports us financially without any complain.

I keep praying and hoping that God will touch and soften his heart and let him see that his wife needs him. 

I am already thankful to God that He has brought my husband back home, it has been a long journey to get here as it is....so im not going to give up now. I will keep doing my best for my family and I believe God will hear my prayers and in due time I will reap what i have sown.


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## This is me

I love the good news!!!

All the best.


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## chocolategeek

Sparkles422 said:


> One of the first things I did was go down to the library and read about marriage and divorce. There are resources there that will certainly help you, they helped me.
> 
> I stopped having my drinks in the evening. Totally stopped because alcohol is a depressant and all it did was make it worse for me. Good that you stopped!! Then I started a routine. I walked the dog every morning before light, because that is a magical time for me before the day unfolds: so mysterious. I started to appreciate the small things that gave me comfort and used them for that comfort. When things got painful, I would focus on what I WAS doing at this moment in time and kept pulling myself back to live in this moment ONLY.
> 
> And then I began the big stuff: I changed my career and enrolled full time in school to complete a BS in Human Services. As I said we all have our paths and you will discover yours.
> 
> Baby steps, baby steps, be soft on yourself, love yourself, comfort yourself with things that make you feel safe and good. An old movie, a kung fu movie, popcorn, chicken soup, a cozy pillow, petting your dog, hot bath, hot shower, hugging your children, reading to your children, a great book for yourself...I am sure you have many of your own that will keep you comforted. Use them.


Sparkles, love your advice! That was exactly what I did during the separation. Forced myself to be in the moment, to build a life of my own, to be happy within. It's very hard work but I'm glad I went through it. It changed me for the better. I was praying for R, but in my heart I just offered it up to God. I knew that one day I would find true love--I was finally okay that it could be someone other than my husband. When suddenly...well, here we are and it turned out that my true love was my husband.


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## chocolategeek

DownUnder said:


> Thanks Sparkles, even hearing you say that encourages me to keep going and keep fighting for my family and my marriage.
> 
> It does make me feel sad that he doesn't feel incline to touch me but i dont usually ask for him to hug me or ask for a kiss because he specifically said that if he doesn't feel like doing it (giving affections) then he doesn't want to, so i dont want to ask him because i dont want him to feel obligated to give me a hug or a kiss just because i asked.
> 
> I wait for him to give those affection because he said he doesn't want to give them to me just because i need it.
> 
> So its like catch 22....i can't asked because i dont want him to feel obligated to give me affection, and he won't give affection if he doesn't feel like it (and because he is not an affectionate person by nature it doesn't come easily to him).
> 
> So far i have received nothing for the last couple of weeks and its making me sad and sadder as everyday goes by and i continue feel unloved and unfullfilled. I need affections and physical touch as it is my main emotional need.
> 
> At this rate, it feels like im in a dessert waiting for rain....
> 
> I still feel lonely eventho he has moved back home.
> 
> On the positive side, he really is an amazing father and i couldnt have chosen a better man to be a father to my kids. Its good to have him in the house as he helps a lot with the kids, we agree on most things when its comes to the kids and the kids are happy. He also helps around the house and he works hard to supports us financially without any complain.
> 
> I keep praying and hoping that God will touch and soften his heart and let him see that his wife needs him.
> 
> I am already thankful to God that He has brought my husband back home, it has been a long journey to get here as it is....so im not going to give up now. I will keep doing my best for my family and I believe God will hear my prayers and in due time I will reap what i have sown.


Hi DownUnder, love and relationships are sort of tricky that way. My advice is to just stop telling him altogether what you NEED from him. It's exhausting him and giving him that icky feeling that all you want to do is take and take. Hon, I'll be blunt here. You have to stop being needy. 

I get what he's saying that he has to "feel it" first before he can cuddle up with you, be romantic, etc. Some people really need to feel that spark inside before they can pursue their spouse again. It was like that when my husband and I were just starting to reconcile. He loved me but I could feel him struggling to get that spark back. I really felt that he wanted to get it back, and all it took was a little help from me.

Help from me was in the form of being genuinely happy within myself, not being needy and whiny and making a list of how he could make me happy. I made myself happy. I had old hobbies that I resurrected. I checked out new things and started new pursuits. I explored the world outside of my marriage and myself. I forced myself to see how blessed I was, and how I had still so much to learn. Become independent. I'm not saying you ignore him. But you will build the attraction if he can sense that you are radiating happiness from within and that you don't need him returning the hugs and kisses to be truly happy. 

Knowing that physical affection doesn't come easily for your husband, just let it go. Truly let it go. Pray about it, cry it out, release the pain, and offer it up to God. And build a life of your own that you enjoy. Go out by yourself to exciting places (whatever is exciting for you--the mall, a bookstore, a restaurant, etc.). It's so important that you enjoy your own company. And then, have a great time with your friends, too. People who are happy within themselves are very attractive. 

Don't let your happiness depend upon another person, even if that other person happens to be your husband. Hon, your happiness is YOUR responsibility, not his. Being happy inside takes loving and forgiving yourself, and learning lessons. When you feel lonely, do this: smile. Sure, it's going to feel silly and fake. But after a few moments, the things that do make you smile will fill your heart, and the smile will become real.


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## DownUnder

chocolategeek said:


> Hi DownUnder, love and relationships are sort of tricky that way. My advice is to just stop telling him altogether what you NEED from him. It's exhausting him and giving him that icky feeling that all you want to do is take and take. Hon, I'll be blunt here. You have to stop being needy.
> 
> I get what he's saying that he has to "feel it" first before he can cuddle up with you, be romantic, etc. Some people really need to feel that spark inside before they can pursue their spouse again. It was like that when my husband and I were just starting to reconcile. He loved me but I could feel him struggling to get that spark back. I really felt that he wanted to get it back, and all it took was a little help from me.
> 
> Help from me was in the form of being genuinely happy within myself, not being needy and whiny and making a list of how he could make me happy. I made myself happy. I had old hobbies that I resurrected. I checked out new things and started new pursuits. I explored the world outside of my marriage and myself. I forced myself to see how blessed I was, and how I had still so much to learn. Become independent. I'm not saying you ignore him. But you will build the attraction if he can sense that you are radiating happiness from within and that you don't need him returning the hugs and kisses to be truly happy.
> 
> Knowing that physical affection doesn't come easily for your husband, just let it go. Truly let it go. Pray about it, cry it out, release the pain, and offer it up to God. And build a life of your own that you enjoy. Go out by yourself to exciting places (whatever is exciting for you--the mall, a bookstore, a restaurant, etc.). It's so important that you enjoy your own company. And then, have a great time with your friends, too. People who are happy within themselves are very attractive.
> 
> Don't let your happiness depend upon another person, even if that other person happens to be your husband. Hon, your happiness is YOUR responsibility, not his. Being happy inside takes loving and forgiving yourself, and learning lessons. When you feel lonely, do this: smile. Sure, it's going to feel silly and fake. But after a few moments, the things that do make you smile will fill your heart, and the smile will become real.


Thank you Chocolate, i really need to hear this today.
You're absolutely right "neediness" is unattractive and i dont think he can handle that right now as he is trying to figure out stuff about himself.

Can I just ask you, when you just started the R and back to living together what do you do find that spark back? I mean, do you start spending more time together or do you continue to do your own stuff and leave him alone? Do you go to bed at the same time every night? how do you find the balance of doing your stuff that makes you happy and yet trying to find that connection back with each other?

Regarding the physical affections, yes you are also right on that....i have prayed about it and let it go to God (eventho some days are harder than others). But what should i do when i feel like giving him a kiss or a hug? should i just stop myself from doing it and just persevere and live day to day without any affections? or do i just go ahead and kiss him or hug him when i feel like giving him some affection? Im not asking him to give me affections Im talking about what if i feel like giving the affection to him? should i stop myself? or should i go for it and not worry about how he feels about it?

Im going to follow your suggestion about being happy myself and not being needy. I think you are absolutely right, Im not going to depend on him to make me happy. Thank you so much, your advice is invaluable and I really appreciate it so much! xoxo


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## Wildflower3

What made all of you decide to reconcile? What made the WAS have a change of heart and come back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chocolategeek

DownUnder said:


> Thank you Chocolate, i really need to hear this today.
> You're absolutely right "neediness" is unattractive and i dont think he can handle that right now as he is trying to figure out stuff about himself.
> 
> Can I just ask you, when you just started the R and back to living together what do you do find that spark back? I mean, do you start spending more time together or do you continue to do your own stuff and leave him alone? Do you go to bed at the same time every night? how do you find the balance of doing your stuff that makes you happy and yet trying to find that connection back with each other?
> 
> Regarding the physical affections, yes you are also right on that....i have prayed about it and let it go to God (eventho some days are harder than others). But what should i do when i feel like giving him a kiss or a hug? should i just stop myself from doing it and just persevere and live day to day without any affections? or do i just go ahead and kiss him or hug him when i feel like giving him some affection? Im not asking him to give me affections Im talking about what if i feel like giving the affection to him? should i stop myself? or should i go for it and not worry about how he feels about it?
> 
> Im going to follow your suggestion about being happy myself and not being needy. I think you are absolutely right, Im not going to depend on him to make me happy. Thank you so much, your advice is invaluable and I really appreciate it so much! xoxo


Hi, DownUnder. 

Didn't have Internet access at home for the past few days so I was able to log in only now. I was exactly the same way with my husband before and during the separation. He kept saying he wanted that super-romantic feeling. I kept saying it only happens at the beginning of a relationship, when both of you are slushing with hormones inside and neither can think of anything else but the other person. But he kept insisting that it could last, that it wasn't fleeting. Imagine my frustration, too.

From my conversations with male friends and a bit of reading on relationships, a lot of men are actually like this. They operate mostly on the logical side of their brain, but when they're in love, they let their feelings and emotions rule. They want to be truly in love with their partner, they want to be intensely attracted to her, they want to feel that their partner is absolutely the only woman in the world they want to be with. I think a lot of women feel this need, too, so this isn't just about men. In short, a lot of people feel this way about relationships and marriage. They need that spark to keep going.

I realize now that it is actually very important to have that spark. And it's different from when you were first in love. That was when everything was new and you were both just getting to know each other. What your husband is looking for is to be intensely ATTRACTED and CONNECTED to you to maintain that "loving feeling." If he is only attracted to you physically, then he will only want sex. Or, if he feels a great connection with you but is not attracted to you, you will only be like a friend to him. There has to be both attraction and connection.

That's where the suggestions I gave for being happy within come in. A person who truly loves and accepts herself, and constantly wants to be a better person is intensely attractive on all levels. She knows about self-care. Physical self-cafe means she does not let herself go. Hygiene, health, and maintaining her beauty are important to her. She is not obsessed with physical beauty, but she knows how to fix herself up with clothing, makeup, and reasonable exercise. Emotional self-care is taking responsibility for her own happiness. Here, there must be a balance of independence and relating with others, having your own life goals & pursuits and sharing them with your partner. 

Your husband, at the most basic level, wants to see you happy with YOU. Right now, I don't think he sees and feels that. He senses that your happiness depends upon him returning affection. And a person whose happiness depends on someone else is bound to keep taking from the relationship, not giving. Taking and taking is being needy. And seeing neediness in a spouse is like looking at a bottomless pit that you'll never be able to satisfy. Not very attractive. 

Love is about giving. Of course, we would be thrilled if our love was reciprocated, but the love we are so hungry for must first come from within ourselves. You must love you. Unconditionally. It takes practice, but you must love yourself every moment. The voice in your head that says you're not good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, loveable enough--silence it with love and kindness for yourself. You are good enough. You are beautiful enough. You are smart enough. You are loveable enough this very second. Yes, you want to be a better person, and that will come soon enough. But right now, you are loved by God exactly as you are. And if God loves you, why do you not love yourself? Kindness, forgiveness, understanding. Give yourself these things, hon.

Connection is the second most important ingredient for maintaining that spark. When your partner is attracted to you on a physical, emotional, and mental level, he will automatically want to connect with you on all levels, too. They key is making all his experiences with you positive. If all he ever got if you were together is sadness and crying and asking why he won't be affectionate, then you're creating negative associations with him. And we don't want to be with people who we have negative experiences with. Don't you want to be around friends who fill you with their positive energy? Don't we love to be with people who are fun, kind, loving, and secure with themselves? 

About the physical affection, again I think there must be a balance. When you feel like giving him a hug or a peck on the lips or cheek, go ahead. Do it for the sheer pleasure of doing it, because you love him. Be truly happy even if he doesn't hug or kiss you back. At the same time, don't overdo it. You'll feel when it's the right moment to do so. He will keep wanting to see if you are really, truly okay with not getting physical affection back. When he's finally sure with this, then he will want to start giving you physical affection. Again, this takes practice with loving yourself first and taking full responsibility for your own happiness.


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## DownUnder

Chocolate, you have no idea how much your words mean to me.... i totally understand each and every word you said and i feel so blessed that i have meet you and that you are able and willing to share your journey and experience with me.

Everything you said makes perfect sense to me, even the part about my husband....its like someone just lifted a layer of thin curtain and i can see much more clearly into my relationship and also see his perspective on things.

Thank you so much for sharing your word of wisdom...believe it or not i have printed all the advice you have given me so far and i kept it in my wallet so i can have it on hand when i need encouragement. I realised its not going to be a long tough journey but i believe when i come out at the other end i will be stronger and have grown much more.

God bless and take care!
xoxo


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