# Is it time?



## Rabbit01 (Nov 11, 2013)

Hey everyone.

Well I'm 26 and I've been married to my husband for two years now. In fact our anniversary is tomorrow, and how I am dreading it.

Um, well I found out about his affair almost two years, the December after we got married. Not even an entire month that we were married and I found out. As far as I know, he started his affair with his coworker the month before our wedding day. It last until that December. I had found a picture in his phone of her, she was in just her panties and a bra. I questioned him about it and he gave me some BS answer about why he had it. And I let it go, kinda. A couple weeks later I found a nice little application our phones at that time had. It stored the first couple of lines of every message we ever sent. So I checked his phone. I saw messages to one number he was calling her sweetie, babe, my little minx. I was so angry when I saw those that I woke him up and questioned him about it. He somewhat broke down. He tried to say that he was just messing around with her, no sex. Just touching and kissing. But I had read one other line, it started, "do you miss me or the sex?" I told him that and finally he told me. He was cheating on me. 

I don't know how i got thru the next few weeks. It was horrible. i was lagging at work, I was depressed and emotional. I would fight and argue with him all the time. He said he would stop talking to her and not see her again outside of work. I checked his phone every day, checked his emails. I was so paranoid and worried. 

One day in January I checked on an email account that he wasn't really using. I found emails between the two of them. I call them love letters, because that is what they were. He tells me he only sent them because I was always looking for something else. So he gave me something to find. I don't know why I didn't leave him then. I should have but I stayed. 

We continued, he left his job, where she still worked, and stayed home with our 2 kids. A few months later he got a new job at a call center. I immediately went into panic mode again and made him promise that he would not exchange numbers or facebook with any new female workers there. I figured that was fair since I had let him keep all his current female friends. He couldn't keep that promise. He started talking to two girls there. They exchanged facebook, then phone numbers, because it was more convenient to talk that way. 


He always had this way of making me feel guilty, because I hadn't forgiven him yet. Because I didn't trust him yet. It was also this time that I found out that he and the OW spoke a few times on the phone and also met once, although nothing supposedly happened. 

I guess one more thing, on our wedding day, before I knew anything, he invited her to the party at our house. And she came. Even got us a card with a gift card. She didn't know her limits, she ended getting so drunk that she couldn't drive home and he offered her our bed, on our wedding night. We slept on our sons bed... I know right? I had to leave very early the next morning. Come home to find out she vomited all over my bed. And guess who had to clean it up? Later I find out that they kissed and hugged while i was gone. Not even married for 24 hours and he is with her in our own home...

Back to the girls from his work. So he became friends with them and they would constantly ask him to go out with them, but as a work group thing, he never did. One was actually married. The other a single mother with a lot of problems, which is how i was when he met me. So Single Mother (SM), would text alot. She would tell him her problems and he would give her advice. He would work until 11 at night, it was his shift, but then come home to be on facebook and chatting with those two until 2 or 3 in the morning. He wouldn't talk to me or wouldn't care if i went to bed alone. He would rather talk to someone on FB. One night, SM was having a bad night. We also had fought and i went to bed early angry and depressed. But since the SM was upset and driving she couldn't text, so he told her to call him. At 1 in the morning. He would rather be the consoling guy to this random girl he just met instead of fixing his marriage. His excuse, she's just a friend and I would have done it for any friend. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong. I would like anyone's opinions about this. 

It was after this time I started putting my foot down about things, he had pretty much only talked to girls, and to me it seemed that on FB he would only care about girls who were having bad days. He even told me one of his friends had a sexual attraction to him but I shouldn't worry because he wasn't interested. Because that should be enough. SO after a lot of arguing, and threatening to leave him, he deleted a bunch of his female friends. Not all of them, but a lot. This still continues for a long time until eventually he just deletes them all and doesn't talk to any of them anymore. I feel like if I didn't force him to, he would still be talking to all those female friends he had.

I guess fast forward to a couple months ago, that he got a new job that is 40 minutes away. Turns out that just up the street at a convenience store and old friend works there. She is the wife of someone he used to work with and that's the only reason he knows her. She and her husband also have there own problems as he cheated on her as well. She then added my husband on FB and confided in him a lot. Too much for my comfort. Even to the point that basically asked him to spy on her husband for her. That is he was doing anything suspicious to let her know. Which she still does to this day.. She also talked to him about her sex life with her husband. I guess it seems small, she told him her husband laughed about noises she made it bed and that it hurt her feelings. That bothered me a lot. I felt that no married woman should discuss her sex life with another man. Period. I asked him how he would feel if I did that, he wouldn't care as long as it didn't go any further. Yeah, right. 

To me, they seemed to sympathize with each other. He once told her that he regrets it mostly because now I have reason to not trust him. Not because he hurt me or ruined our marriage. I know all this because I had access to his FB and read every message they sent. As far as I know. I told him all my concerns. once again he said, you shouldn't worry. We are just friends talking. I'm not doing anything wrong. Therefore I'm acting jealous and insecure. And my feelings were not valid. I don't like her. He told me stories that she wasn't as faithful as she seemed to be, but supposedly those are all lies. I am nice when he invites her husband and her over to hang out some days, but I don't like it. She has a nickname for him. It seems like they talk more than anyone else does. It just bothers me so much. he would delete their messages so I wouldn't get mad when they talked. He promised he wouldn't do that anymore. He also promised he would avoid her and wouldn't initiate any texting between them. He also at this point deactivated his FB. for some small reason or another, he has texted her first. He has deleted their messages. Sometimes the entire conversation is there, but I double check with the phone records online and there are 20 msgs sent and received, but the phone only has 15. He has an excuse every single time. And he is so damn convincing.

She has recently taken to calling him. One night he stayed at her worked for half an hour until she clocked out. I was so angry at him and we just hung up. It took him another 2 hours to get home. Why? because she had car trouble and chose to follow her home like a good friend. That her husband knows and I can check. That he didn't call me because we were already fighting. Does he really care? I don't think so. I've stopped trying to tell him what to do, because he can't take it. He hates when I check his phone. He hates that I verify with the phone records even though he specifically told me I could do either, every single day if I had to just so he didn't have to give up another friend. But he can't take it. He hates being reminded of what he did. He hates feeling guilty. 

He especially hates feeling like I don't trust him. And with me trying to control who he talks to, he just ends up lashing out and doing things just to spite me. Like deleting messages on purpose. I told him he can do whatever he wanted. He can talk to whoever he wants, go out whenever. That I don't care anymore. That I wouldn't check his phone anymore. And for the most part I've stopped. Except that she called him the other day just to ask if he ate burger king, because apparently she got food poisoning and wanted ask if he did too. Her husband just chalked it up to her being pregnant. But she called my husband, probably for reassurance or consolation..

It always felt like that between the two. A type of emotional support. He seemed to manage to be a victim and they supported one another. She tells him things that her husband doesn't talk to him about. And her husband and my husbands are co-workers now. That's why she still asks him about his hours or when he left our house and this or that. So he told me she called for nothing else than to ask if he ate BK cuz she got sick. And I got angry. To me, what was the point of that.

Its been two days and it still bothers me. But really, what can I do about it? I'm not going to tell him to stop because I know how that will end. He was supposed to have stopped talking to her before, but because she works up the street from him now, its a free pass I guess. And he goes in there every day to get a soda or she goes into the store when her husband works. I might be over-exaggerating, but to me it feels like they are seeing and talking to each other a lot more than I would like. I don't know what to do. Please help. 

I'm sorry this is so long. I felt everyone should get the whole my side of the story and my feelings. Ask any questions and I will be honest as I can be. Am I right in feeling that he should have stopped talking to all girls or is that much? Did I just let him get away with too many things or am I being unreasonable? He likes to say that I gave him a second chance like that entitles him to something. He throws that around a lot. To me I feel like he needed to beg me to stay with him. He should be grateful everyday I didn't leave him. That I didn't move away with our kids. That I haven't told either of our parents. That I didn't just make him quit and tell everyone at his work why he did it... Maybe that might be a bit much, but I think about it a lot. And this might says the most about me, but mostly I regret not ending it when I had so many chances... I guess for reference sake, I also never stopped having sex with him even tho right after I found out it made me feel dirty... OK I will stop now. Otherwise I might keep going and I need advice. Thanks in advance to all who voice their opinions and advice.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

paragraphs girl paragraph!!!!

From what I got from your wall of text is that your whole marriage has been a lie and the disrespect started before you were married.

With that said you still have a chance to get out and save your self. Stop the emotional torture.

At the end of the day you diserve good things...repeat this over and over again until this POS is out of your life.

I mean the disrespect he has for you makes me sick.

And one more thing with out consequences bad behavior continues (as you can see) so file for divorce and have your old man served, if he has any remorse what so ever he will take this time (from the time he is served until the D is finalized) to pull his head out of his butt and go to counseling and learn the tools to stop this unhealthy behavior.

BTW, go get tested for STD's


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, expose the affair to family and friend...again another consequence he needs to face and an action that you need to do to see how remorsful he really is.

I bet he gets pissed and doesn't own the crap he has been pulling.

I bet he victimizes you even furthure when you turn to family and friends for support.


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## Rabbit01 (Nov 11, 2013)

I edited it into paragraphs so it may be easier to read. Sorry, I should've done that first... Heh

I do think of getting out. Then I think of the kids and that he has stopped, even though forcefully and I dunno, my mind just changes. I can't help but love him and we do have good times. It just feels like we don't have the same morals or boundaries about relationships. 

He doesn't believe in counseling. It doesn't help or something. I would like to and have thought of going alone, but I have no money to afford that. Also, I have been tested and am clean.


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## Rabbit01 (Nov 11, 2013)

Actually his brothers know, all his friends know. He apparently couldn't help himself telling everyone, especially from the place of work where this started. I told him that he is only making himself look bad. Then he quit telling ppl or asking what they knew. 

Oh and the kicker! Turns out she denied the whole thing at work. Told everyone that he lied about everything. He was pissed about that.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

up to you. He has had no real consequences in the past, you have let him get away with it by continuing to put up with it, and he is not interested in admitting his faults and continues with the same behavior, with no regard of how it makes you feel.
Around and around we go. You have a bad husband, a serial cheater, and a selfish man that does not respect you or the marriage vows you took.
File for divorce, and do not believe his words ever again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its not a matter of stopping, it a matter of learning the tools to prevent it from happening again.

Girl your old man hasn't done a damn thing to affair proof his marriage.

My old lady went 5 years straight before picking it back up again!

Trust me you won't like the person you become in another 5 years when you are even more invested in this marriage and resent the hell out of life for having to deal with the cards that were dealt to you. 

Then in another 5 years you will be a mean.....

And by the 20th year you will have given your kids a great examble of what a relationship is all about and the cycle continues in their own relationships.

You diserve good things!

Your kids diserve good things!


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

You are in an open marriage. At least on his side.
If you don't want an open marriage, marry someone who wants just one woman.

You picked a guy who's a player.
I'm sure you love him to death.
This is how player's are. 

Either get used to playing second or third fiddle, or find a new man, but remember, if the new man isn't a player, he won't be near as exciting as your present part time hubby.


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## Rabbit01 (Nov 11, 2013)

Surprisingly, maybe stupidly to some, I don't think that he is actually cheating. Unless his stamina is far higher than I think it is in the sack... But I do think he likes the attention he gets. He had a rough childhood. No dad, step dads in n out of his life. I think he has an issue with losing people. 

But update for all. Last night was a big night. We fought and were angry until finally we just broke. He kept telling me how wwre things ok if I was just going to be controlling. I told him who the hell in their right mind gets to cheat with another woman and then gets to keep all his female friends? I think he got it though and stayed quiet. I pushed and said well? And he yells nobody! Ok, I'm nobody... I felt bad, but I stood my ground. He told me how much he wants to take it all back, how he wishes he could have another chance to do it all over differently. He admitted he was selfish then and he was still just selfish. He cared more about what he was losing more than how I was feeling. He's never admitted that before. 

Today he told me he's going to stop being stupid. Oh and turns out, he did tell his mom awhile back.. So what do you all think? Breakthrough, or just more BS? Or time will tell?

And yes I do love him. I am nowhere near perfect. I probably have as many problems as he does with my background. But he knew all that and still chose to be with me and be a father to my son, when his bio-father wasn't around... So he isn't and wasn't always selfish. I think we just lost each other along the way, it maybe that's just wishful thinking...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

You teach others how you want to be treated. If you don't respect yourself, no one else will, let alone a WH.

He doesn't need to have anyone else for emotional support. He married you for that.

To save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it. If forgiveness comes from a place of strength, it is the real forgiveness. But if forgiveness comes from a place of weakness, it is just a compromise.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rabbit01 said:


> Surprisingly, maybe stupidly to some, *I don't think that he is actually cheating.* Unless his stamina is far higher than I think it is in the sack... But I do think he likes the attention he gets. He had a rough childhood. No dad, step dads in n out of his life. I think he has an issue with losing people.
> 
> But update for all. Last night was a big night. We fought and were angry until finally we just broke. He kept telling me how wwre things ok if I was just going to be controlling. I told him who the hell in their right mind gets to cheat with another woman and then gets to keep all his female friends? I think he got it though and stayed quiet. I pushed and said well? And he yells nobody! Ok, I'm nobody... I felt bad, but I stood my ground. He told me how much he wants to take it all back, how he wishes he could have another chance to do it all over differently. He admitted he was selfish then and he was still just selfish. He cared more about what he was losing more than how I was feeling. He's never admitted that before.
> 
> ...


*
He is. Actually cheating.* Physical or Emotional. He is actually cheating you of a good marriage.


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *
> He is. Actually cheating.* Physical or Emotional. He is actually cheating you of a good marriage.


Um, what he said.
As to the stamina, nope, it doesn't work that way.
I'm going to try to put it G rated here:

If a guy normally wants it say 3 times a week with his wife, he can have it 3 times a week with the OW, then still do it with his wife 3 times in the same week. 
Rinse and repeat.
A man's sex drive, libido, lust or whatever you wish to call it, increases the more females that are available. 

Most healthy men CAN 'perform' twice a day. 
Most won't want to unless there is a good reason...
i.e. something new.
Even old unhealthy men can preform way more often than anyone would credit.
And a young guy? You wouldn't believe it.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

PappyJack said:


> Um, what he said.
> As to the stamina, nope, it doesn't work that way.
> I'm going to try to put it G rated here:
> 
> ...


Ohhh, you are underestimating a lot...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Classic KISA behavior. You were once in need of a KISA - he's on to other damsels. Doubt he'll ever change. Can you live with that?


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## Rabbit01 (Nov 11, 2013)

To life101, no I won't forgive him just to forgive. I won't be bullied into it either by him and he knows that now. He hasn't forgiven himself either. 

mattmatt, yes I agree with you. But the question now is if he drops this last female friends and quits the BS is there still a chance to save the marriage? Or should I not even trust him to do even this?


pappyjack, his drive is high... There is not a day that he doesn't want it with me. He says I still have the same affect on him as when we first met. I know its possible for it to be more than that, but this is the one thing I do believe he isn't doing is having sex with someone else. 

For me I fear that he will let it come to that, no matter what he says or how much he promises. He said he would never do it before and he sis. Now I know its not possible for him to be friends with girls and not let it get that far. He disagreed with that, but now he says he understands that. He had his chance and he screwed it up. Now its a matter of trying it again. He has to change his attitude towards him being able to have female friends. If he can't accept that then it will never work. I feel my job is to trust that he will stay true to me and quit doing things that I don't like. And even though it was forced he did stop everything before. It just so happened this one friend turned up and they resumed talking again. Against my wishes. I wish he wouldn't talk to her but I also feel bad about it.. Why is that? Why do I feel guilty for asking for him to not talk to her?


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## Rabbit01 (Nov 11, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Classic KISA behavior. You were once in need of a KISA - he's on to other damsels. Doubt he'll ever change. Can you live with that?


What is KISA?


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## Rabbit01 (Nov 11, 2013)

Nvm.. Knight in shining armor. I got it. I just him to stay my KISA and only mine... I also want to be able to make this work for my kids. But healthy and happy. Show them that real love exists and anyone can have it. But its a damn hard fight to keep it.


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