# Separation is a crock, a POV



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I've seen this scenario played out time and again. A wife is 'unhappy' and tells her husband she wants 'space' to think about whether to remain married or not. 

The husband is stunned, hurt but ultimately accepts her 'need for space' in the misplaced belief that it will help the marriage. But what the husband doesn't know is that his wife has been having an affair. For the wife, the purpose of the separation is not to reflect, re-evaluate, soul search whether her marriage is salvageable or not, but to explore her affair fully and out in the open. 

You see, in her mind, being separated is like being single or divorced and therefore any intimate relationship she has with another man can't be considered a betrayal of her marital vows. 

She gets to have the benefits of the single life as well as the benefits of married life - a win/win situation for her but a lose/lose situation for the husband. 

If a wife wants to date, have a boyfriend, or sleep around with another man then she should divorce her husband first and not string him along just in case the relationship with her lover doesn't work out.

The same holds true when it is the husband that 'needs space'.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

:iagree:


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## mr. blue (Jul 3, 2011)

I agree 100%! And looking back, I regret being blind to this. I was total mess who remained hopeful and supportive for almost a year. Knowing what I know now, I should have said FU, see you in court!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think a lo tof times separation ends in divorce but not always.

Ironically, when my husband and I separated, two of our couple friends also separated. Both of those couples got back and are still together. We are the only pair that divorced/broke up. That makes it suck even more.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

mr. blue said:


> I agree 100%! And looking back, I regret being blind to this. I was total mess who remained hopeful and supportive for almost a year. Knowing what I know now, I should have said FU, see you in court!!!


I think that when it is the husbands who want 'space', more times than not, the wives often sense the presence of another woman. Unfortunately the same can't be said for the majority of the husbands whose wives separate from them. Is it because of our egos that we cannot fathom the possibility that the women we love can be unfaithful to us? or is it because we believe the long held myth that more men than women cheat on their spouses? Some statistics do show that female infidelity has practically caught up with male infidelity. But whatever the reason, a man - just like a woman - cannot afford to engage in blind trust which is another term for denial.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

+1

I've told my wife that if she wanted to seperate I would immediately file for divorce. I'm not interested in being a backup plan for a "cake eater" regardless of their confused state.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Makes no sense to me at all. Kinda creepy really. I can understand working with a spouse if they feel smothered for example. I would think it would be more about them finding some of their own internal happiness from hobbies and other "marriage friendly" interests. Where they can do their own thing.
It would be bad if that meant shutting completely down on their partner however.

If they needed more than this I am thinking they just want to be single yet be a cake eater. Like you said before it is really a way of making an open marriage appear more acceptable. To me if you have to separate then just go for the whole divorce thing. 

Any separation success stories where it was not used as a prelude to divorce or to allow a partner to play single for a while?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The only times when separation would make sense are in those situations in which substance and/or spousal abuse were present but even there it would be mostly to prevent a tragic outcome and as a prelude for divorce.

But isn't it remarkable when a LS emphatically says no to separation and yes to divorce, many a cake eating spouse backs off?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Makes no sense to me at all. Kinda creepy really. I can understand working with a spouse if they feel smothered for example. I would think it would be more about them finding some of their own internal happiness from hobbies and other "marriage friendly" interests. Where they can do their own thing.
> It would be bad if that meant shutting completely down on their partner however.
> ...


Well, i dont know the answer to "prelude to divorce" yet but W and I are trying to reconcile. I dont know if this counts but we have been in house separated for over three months now. I guess ours could have gone either way; we had a few critical moments where our frustrations got the best of us. Only by the grace of God have we not strangled each other. But here we are, both willing to work at it. So maybe being under the same roof actually helped us. I really believe that had one of us moved out, we would be gone baby gone! 

And, no, there was no infidelity by either one of us. Had we separated to different living quarters I am fairly sure I would have been perfectly willing to find OW to have an affair with; I was that far moved on from our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Had we separated to different living quarters I am fairly sure I would have been perfectly willing to find OW to have an affair with; I was that far moved on from our marriage._Posted via Mobile Device_


And that is what often happens when a man/woman chose to separate from their spouse, they either already have someone they are involved with or they want to start a relationship with someone they have a lot of sexual/emotional chemistry with.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> +1
> 
> I've told my wife that if she wanted to seperate I would immediately file for divorce. I'm not interested in being a backup plan for a "cake eater" regardless of their confused state.


My wife had been asking for a seperation but I told her not to stop there, just end it so we both can be happy!! LOL She filed July 1 LOL


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Sometimes there are other factors involved. Separation can be a means to ease issues with the family. It can help if children are involved. It can also help if you think you're headed for a fight. I can't really fault a man or woman who say is in a particularly bad situation using separation as a means of getting into a better environment from which to divorce. Divorce is a battle. It's nasty. Sometimes it means not being our best because we have to think of ourselves. If you can part amicably you're lucky. But you have to be prepared for the spouse to be at their worse. So in that regard a separation can be in a person's best interest.

That said, if I thought my separation was truly just a way to work on the marriage, I'd do what it takes to preserve it. So many times one walks away and has no interest in working it out. OTOH, sometimes they've tried to work in the marriage and are rebuffed.


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## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

Well I initially thought my husband and I separated because I was seriously ill and had to live in an environment with 24/7 health care for almost 2 years. I moved in with my parents because my mom is a retired nurse. But when I was finally healthy again he didn't want to move back in with me and instead continued to live in his parents' house (while our son and I live with mine). I realize now that the fact that he pressured me to move in with my parents rather than trying to get a live-in nurse at our home may have been a sign that he didn't want to be with me anymore but at the time it made sense to me. I think I was just so sick at the time that I wasn't even questioning the decisions that everyone else was making for me otherwise I really would have wondered why he didn't want to try to make it work for me to be able to stay at home.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I thought so too, until my separation.

There is no OM or OW.

There were deep issues that he had to remove himself from.

I am in therapy and am so proud of myself..he's proud of me too. I'm making great progress in my self-awareness. 

He is here almost every day. He is getting himself back and I'm so happy he is happy again. He and I are getting close again and things are going well. We are intimate in every way and learning to love each other again.

He hasn't changed how he looks, and he looks kinda beat up lol. He is more open with me about phone calls, etc.

So, every relationship is different. Every situation is different. Our situation is different because we had 2 months of dating before getting pregnant...our foundation was shaky, but our connection is strong. I dunno. I feel good about it.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I don't know. I kind of wish he'd just kept it at separation rather than running right off and filing for divorce, but that's just me...


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