# Almost a sexless marriage for 22 years



## Julie smith (Feb 4, 2018)

I have a similar situation. We had sex for the first time after we got married. On our honey moon my husband tells me that he isn’t sexually attracted to me. This DEVISTATED me!!! When the kids were younger Sex actually got better and we were happy for a good chunck of time. He owns his own business and works 100 hours a week! I have always been a stay at home mom and was always with my kids if they weren’t in school. Life has been very lonely for me because it’s only been about the kids for the past 20 years! Now both my kids are away at university and i’m more lonelier now then ever before. My husband never has taken time off from work except for a week a year and that doesn’t happen every year. He’s a workaholic!!! Now that it’s just us home I feel lost. I started having an affair but we never had sex. I am very attractive and constantly get comments on my looks. I just don’t get them from my husband. This is very hurtful to me. I want us to be able to have amazing sex now that my kids aren’t here anymore but we just seem to not even know who we are as a couple anymore because it’s always been about the kids. I never thought I’d be in this situation. Me having an affair gave me confidence and made me feel pretty and wanted all the things my husband never made me feel. I now don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t leave because i’m not financially able to but I am miserable with him. Please help! Any advice is appreciated!!!


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Start getting some job skills.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Have you tried initiating sex with him? 

Does he reject your advances?

What is nearly sexless 10 times a year ?couple times a month?

Is he healthy?

Have you even talked to him about it?


What did he say?

When you have sex is it god?


Are you going to confess your infidelity?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Why did you stay married to, be dependent upon, and have children with a man that told you point blank he is not sexually attracted to you?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Check the divorce laws where you live regarding alimony after a long term marriage. And yes, get some job skills and find any job to get some experience and build a resume. If he won't change, you either put up with it or leave.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Why did you stay married to, be dependent upon, and have children with a man that told you point blank he is not sexually attracted to you?


Hope springs eternal.

Hindsight is 20/20


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Julie smith said:


> I have a similar situation. We had sex for the first time after we got married. On our honey moon my husband tells me that he isn’t sexually attracted to me. This DEVISTATED me!!!


Gosh.

Why would a man marry a woman he's not sexually attracted to? So on your honeymoon, he has sex with you, and_ then_ tells you he's not sexually attracted?

It's so easy to tell someone else what they should've done, but I wish you'd gotten up, packed, come home on your own, and divorced him right then.

What a horrible person. Talk about bait and switch.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Same advice as men get when wife refuses. Work on yourself, get a job, and sit husband down and have a hard conversation.

You need to confess the affair, otherwise if H decides to work on being a better H, and the affair comes to light, that will blow everything up.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is actually a simple equation. 

You only have one life and the time you have left on this earth is all that you have left. 


Which will you be better off - remaining in the house with a man who doesn't love you or interact with you and in which you are an adulteress but have grown accustomed to and comfortable with where someone else pays your bills?

Or packing up, starting a new life for yourself, getting a job and living your own life however and with whoever you see fit?

What is behind Door #1 is creature comfort, predictability, chronic loneliness, sexual despair and adultery. 

And what is behind Door #2 is the unknown, change of lifestyle and fear but carries with it the possibilities for love, companionship, self-determination and sexual excitement. 

Which is the bigger motivating factor? Fear of the unknown, or chronic loneliness, sexual despair and the shame of adultery?


----------



## Julie smith (Feb 4, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> MJJEAN said:
> 
> 
> > Why did you stay married to, be dependent upon, and have children with a man that told you point blank he is not sexually attracted to you?
> ...


----------



## Julie smith (Feb 4, 2018)

Sorry i’m new to this don’t really know how it works yet. I was 23 and naive!!! I also failed to mention that I was also taking care of two elderly parents while being a stay at home mom. I stayed married because of my kids. As far as the adult goes. This was something completely out of character for me. I always thought people that had affairs were terrible people. But I’ve learned by many experiences in my life that you can never judge someone until you are in their shoes. Doesn’t matter how you think you’ll act in certain situations you never know how you will act until you are actually in it! Being alone for 20 1/2 year just got to be too much for me and I don’t regret my affair at all because it totally gave me the confidence that my husband took away. It brought joy back in my life and I felt alive again for the first time in decades! My affair was one of the best things that has ever happened to me! Like I said don’t judge till you are in someone else’s shoes! Thank you all so far for all your advice it’s very much appreciated!


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Julie smith said:


> Sorry i’m new to this don’t really know how it works yet. I was 23 and naive!!! I also failed to mention that I was also taking care of two elderly parents while being a stay at home mom. I stayed married because of my kids. As far as the adult goes. This was something completely out of character for me. I always thought people that had affairs were terrible people. But I’ve learned by many experiences in my life that you can never judge someone until you are in their shoes. Doesn’t matter how you think you’ll act in certain situations you never know how you will act until you are actually in it! Being alone for 20 1/2 year just got to be too much for me and I don’t regret my affair at all because it totally gave me the confidence that my husband took away. It brought joy back in my life and I felt alive again for the first time in decades! My affair was one of the best things that has ever happened to me! Like I said don’t judge till you are in someone else’s shoes! Thank you all so far for all your advice it’s very much appreciated!


Well there is your answer.

Divorce as fair as possible and move on.

You don't regret your affair at all? So instead of taking the high road you cheated and now your patting yourself on the back .

Lots of people are in your shoes(sexless marriages) and instead leave before cheating.

Now you can divorce him and collect alimony and bang any one you want on your xh dime.


Pat yourself on the back again!

Lovely.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

This is why I always advise young people to be able to support themselves and not to become dependent on someone else for support. You should want to be with your spouse, not need to be with them. 

I agree with the others. You need to prepare yourself to leave this emotionless marriage. Do it quickly, your husband may not be very patient when he discovers your truth. 

Best


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> Julie smith said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry i’m new to this don’t really know how it works yet. I was 23 and naive!!! I also failed to mention that I was also taking care of two elderly parents while being a stay at home mom. I stayed married because of my kids. As far as the adult goes. This was something completely out of character for me. I always thought people that had affairs were terrible people. But I’ve learned by many experiences in my life that you can never judge someone until you are in their shoes. Doesn’t matter how you think you’ll act in certain situations you never know how you will act until you are actually in it! Being alone for 20 1/2 year just got to be too much for me and I don’t regret my affair at all because it totally gave me the confidence that my husband took away. It brought joy back in my life and I felt alive again for the first time in decades! My affair was one of the best things that has ever happened to me! Like I said don’t judge till you are in someone else’s shoes! Thank you all so far for all your advice it’s very much appreciated!
> ...


It takes two to tango. I don't support cheating, but he knew he wasn't attracted to her, married her anyway, told her that lovely truth right after they were married on their honeymoon, and choose to stay married to a woman he wasn't attracted to and choose to be the sole provider.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I highly doubt the husband was sexless all those 20 years. Works 100 hours a week? Right. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Julie smith (Feb 4, 2018)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I highly doubt the husband was sexless all those 20 years. Works 100 hours a week? Right.
> 
> 
> Yes he has never called in sick or gone in late or come home early. Him being a workaholic has caused a lot of the problems in our marriage! Raising two kids and taking care of two elderly parents COMPLETELY ALONE without ever leaving my kids with anyone really put me over the edge. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself but these are the facts. So it wasn’t just almost never having sex it was also me ALWAYS, ALWAYS being alone trying to juggle everything on my own!


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Julie smith said:


> WorkingOnMe said:
> 
> 
> > I highly doubt the husband was sexless all those 20 years. Works 100 hours a week? Right.
> ...


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

A different question, over the years, how many times did you complain about no money, wanting a new car, etc?

Did your husband's income go to support your parents???


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

This sounds so familiar to me.. But yes I would seek out a therapist to talk with about all this stuff. Find out what you want to do and go for it. You have options being married so long and would likely be OK with a job for yourself and alimony. You might like the non-guilt freedom to date if that's what you want.

But in the meantime why not start getting out for yourself. Join a exercise group or a women's group. I have done this as well and made a couple of good friends thru it. It makes a difference. If you like traveling, there are groups for that as well. But the bottom line is there is no need to feel lonely, figure out what you want to do and proceed. Now is the time!!


----------



## Julie smith (Feb 4, 2018)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> A different question, over the years, how many times did you complain about no money, wanting a new car, etc?
> 
> Did your husband's income go to support your parents???


No none of the money he made went to my parents. All my cars have been at least 10 years old. We live in a 1000 square foot house. I’ve complained about his work hours and our sex life for years and years and years and nothing ever changed. I can honestly say that one of the ONLY times I felt happiness in the past 22 years was when I started my affair. We never had sex we just did a lot of foreplaying and very sexual texts back and forth.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is really not your fault. It may not really be his either. 

I'm also in a marriage with very mismatched levels of desire. Its something many people don't know to think about before they get married. In hindsight its obvious - usually all the signs were there. But I didn't see them, and it looks like you didn't either. 

You both enter the marriage with ideas of what your sex life will be like. They seem so obvious to you that you don't even discuss them. Then you spend time trying to figure out how to "fix" things - when you have completely different ideas of what "fix" means.


Its a truly miserable situation. Its not either persons fault, but it can make both of you miserable. Usually though its the higher desire person who is more miserable because the LD person gets sex when and how they want while the HD person is constantly rejected.

Leave. Cheat. Live like a nun. 

I wish there were another choice, because all of those choices suck. IMHO those ARE your choices. 

You have my heartfelt sympathy, but at least in my case nothing I have ever done has been able to improve things. 











Julie smith said:


> Sorry i’m new to this don’t really know how it works yet. I was 23 and naive!!! I also failed to mention that I was also taking care of two elderly parents while being a stay at home mom. I stayed married because of my kids. As far as the adult goes. This was something completely out of character for me. I always thought people that had affairs were terrible people. But I’ve learned by many experiences in my life that you can never judge someone until you are in their shoes. Doesn’t matter how you think you’ll act in certain situations you never know how you will act until you are actually in it! Being alone for 20 1/2 year just got to be too much for me and I don’t regret my affair at all because it totally gave me the confidence that my husband took away. It brought joy back in my life and I felt alive again for the first time in decades! My affair was one of the best things that has ever happened to me! Like I said don’t judge till you are in someone else’s shoes! Thank you all so far for all your advice it’s very much appreciated!


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Julie smith said:


> I’ve complained about his work hours and our sex life for years and years and years and nothing ever changed.


You invested time and energy complaining to your H in an effort to make him change. As you see, that didn't work. If you want to defend messing around with another man, fine. Your life. Your choice. Perhaps you should now put your time and energy into getting job training and find work. With a marriage of longevity, which you have, you will get spousal support in a divorce. 

At this point, it would behoove you to engage the services of a family law attorney. Get divorced. Get a job. Go have sex with whomever you please.


----------

