# How would it feel...



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

All opinions welcome.

How would it feel for you if your spouse pined for the AP not just because of lust or the rush of new feelings or a new relationship, but because they genuinely enjoyed being with the AP, getting to know one another... all of the small things and details that should be reserved for the main relationship? Would it affect your decision to reconcile?

I know grieving and withdrawal are natural in detaching from the AP when reconciling, but tbh, some of the threads on Reddit just make me sad for the BSs. I also know it's ultimately their decision, but it makes me wonder how many are able to get through _those_ kinds of affairs, the ones that seem like they can potentially turn into genuine relationships.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

There not worth it. I will never love anyone enough to deal with that, no one should. Let the AP have them, it's not much anyway.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

sokillme said:


> There not worth it. I will never love anyone enough to deal with that, no one should. Let the AP have them, it's not much anyway.


Same here. I would rather be alone than be stayed with out of obligation, but of course there's also constraints like kids and financial difficulties. So how would one go about developing the mentality that rises above being practically relegated to second choice?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> Same here. I would rather be alone than be stayed with out of obligation, but of course there's also constraints like kids and financial difficulties. So would that technically be settling?


The money you make is not static. I am a child of divorce who actually thinks in a lot of ways it made me closer to my parents, and I survived alright so I just don't believe in staying for the kids, not in that situation. Better to be from a broken home then living in one.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

sokillme said:


> The money you make is not static. I am a child of divorce who actually thinks in a lot of ways it made me closer to my parents, and I survived alright so I just don't believe in staying for the kids, not in that situation. Better to be from a broken home then living in one.


Sorry, edited my last post a bit, but I appreciate the input to that question.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Spoons027 said:


> All opinions welcome.
> 
> How would it feel for you if your spouse pined for the AP not just because of lust or the rush of new feelings or a new relationship, but because they genuinely enjoyed being with the AP, getting to know one another... all of the small things and details that should be reserved for the main relationship? Would it affect your decision to reconcile?
> 
> I know grieving and withdrawal are natural in detaching from the AP when reconciling, but tbh, some of the threads on Reddit just make me sad for the BSs. I also know it's ultimately their decision, but it makes me wonder how many are able to get through _those_ kinds of affairs, the ones that seem like they can potentially turn into genuine relationships.


In most cases the WS gets over the AP and once they do, they wonder what on earth they ever fell for that person. Once the affair fog goes away, the harsh reality is left... the AP is not much of a catch.

An interesting fact is that people usually cheat with someone who is lessor in some ways than their spouse.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Spoons027 said:


> All opinions welcome.
> 
> How would it feel for you if your spouse pined for the AP not just because of lust or the rush of new feelings or a new relationship, but because they genuinely enjoyed being with the AP, getting to know one another... all of the small things and details that should be reserved for the main relationship? Would it affect your decision to reconcile?


Absolutely it would affect my decision to reconcile. I just can't imagine living day to day in close quarters with someone I love who I know is pining for someone else. Just couldn't do it without either becoming a bitter, hateful, evil wench or a nonfunctional puddle of misery.


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

If it wasn’t over when they were caught there would have been no chance at reconciliation. I actively encouraged her to go to him and kicked her out. Told her if he’s worth the end of the relationship then go to him, I don’t need you. 
She needed to beg and plead with me. The realization of what she did I think dawned on her earlier so may have been easier to ditch him, plus it was very short lived. Not really an affair. I think the longer it goes; the heavier the pining.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> In most cases the WS gets over the AP and once they do, they wonder what on earth they ever fell for that person. Once the affair fog goes away, the harsh reality is left... the AP is not much of a catch.
> 
> An interesting fact is that people usually cheat with someone who is lessor in some ways than their spouse.


They cheat on their own level, the spouse is usually a better class of person. Which makes it even more sad when they stay with their WS.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> Same here. I would rather be alone than be stayed with out of obligation, but of course there's also constraints like kids and financial difficulties. So how would one go about developing the mentality that rises above being practically relegated to second choice?


It requires a whole LOT of delusion. Go read some of the Reconciliation boards out there on infidelity sites and you'll see what I mean.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Spoons027 said:


> Would it affect your decision to reconcile?


Absolutely it would.

That said, I would imagine that most WS's go through that to some degree. But you know what? They need to fake it until they make it if they want a chance to R. There's no way you should accept the WS openly pining for the AP.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

It would make me feel like I wanted a divorce.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

For the BS, R with a cheater is hard regardless of circumstance. Couple that with a WS that's _not remorseful, begging for mercy, pleading for a chance._.. any chance... impossible, much less worth it. 

Reference the *"Let Them Go" *thread.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> The money you make is not static. I am a child of divorce who actually thinks in a lot of ways it made me closer to my parents, and I survived alright so I just don't believe in staying for the kids, not in that situation. Better to be from a broken home then living in one.


Well the stats say it's not better for the kids. Especially boys. But I'm not looking for a fight.
A 2 parent home is by far a better way to grow up, no matter the fighting.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Well the stats say it's not better for the kids. Especially boys. But I'm not looking for a fight.
> *A 2 parent home is by far a better way to grow up*, no matter the fighting.


 A normal, functional 2 parent home, definitely. But not in a dysfunctional, toxic, bitter, deceit-filled 2 parent home. I disagree on the "no matter the fighting". You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. It's extremely difficult, if not impossible to get back to a normal, pre-infidelity relationship after the trust is broken.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I actually heard some BS say he felt sad to watch his wife mourn for her AP! They wanted advise from waywards on how to help console their grieving wayward!!! After hearing that weak **** display, I actually felt sorry for his WW !!


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

A couple of years ago my W said that if I died she would pursue the old AP. She regrets saying this now and thru counseling realized how hurtful this was. But she will forever believe how great their time together was, and that he is such a great guy.

What I don't understand I how she could believe that it was genuine and "real". He knew she was married with a child. He knew it was "make-believe play time". I wonder how different it would be if she showed up one day and said "I'm a widow, now we can be together."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Spoons027 said:


> All opinions welcome.
> 
> How would it feel for you if your spouse pined for the AP not just because of lust or the rush of new feelings or a new relationship, but because they genuinely enjoyed being with the AP, getting to know one another... all of the small things and details that should be reserved for the main relationship? Would it affect your decision to reconcile?
> 
> I know grieving and withdrawal are natural in detaching from the AP when reconciling, but tbh, some of the threads on Reddit just make me sad for the BSs. I also know it's ultimately their decision, but it makes me wonder how many are able to get through _those_ kinds of affairs, the ones that seem like they can potentially turn into genuine relationships.


Hurt. People feel hurt under these circumstance.

What you do depends on how strong you are as a person.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MAJDEATH said:


> A couple of years ago my W said that if I died she would pursue the old AP. She regrets saying this now and thru counseling realized how hurtful this was. But she will forever believe how great their time together was, and that he is such a great guy.
> 
> What I don't understand I how she could believe that it was genuine and "real". He knew she was married with a child. He knew it was "make-believe play time". I wonder how different it would be if she showed up one day and said "I'm a widow, now we can be together."


And you stayed with her?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> *A normal, functional 2 parent home, definitely.* But not in a dysfunctional, toxic, bitter, deceit-filled 2 parent home. I disagree on the "no matter the fighting". You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. It's extremely difficult, if not impossible to get back to a normal, pre-infidelity relationship after the trust is broken.


I won't argue over what this really means....Normal? LOL
I'll say most here know my story. My kids are quite successful. I stayed for them. 
I go back and forth about whether I should have stayed or not, but as far as my kids, and the stats, I'm glad I persevered. 
Catch phrases about toothpaste or any other device won't change the numbers. 
If you mean by normal, innocent or void of betrayal, there's is no way to go back to that after infidelity.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

I appreciate all the input so far, everyone.



MAJDEATH said:


> A couple of years ago my W said that if I died she would pursue the old AP. She regrets saying this now and thru counseling realized how hurtful this was. But she will forever believe how great their time together was, and that he is such a great guy."


Your last statement. How did you go about getting through that, her believing that about her AP?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> A couple of years ago my W said that if I died she would pursue the old AP. She regrets saying this now and thru counseling realized how hurtful this was. But she will forever believe how great their time together was, and that he is such a great guy.
> 
> What I don't understand I how she could believe that it was genuine and "real". He knew she was married with a child. He knew it was "make-believe play time". I wonder how different it would be if she showed up one day and said "I'm a widow, now we can be together."


Why didn't you say "OK, I'm dead to you -- leave and be with him"?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Spoons027 said:


> I appreciate all the input so far, everyone.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A combination of learning that abandonment is her biggest fear, so my departure would make her find someone new. And realizing that maybe he really is a nice guy on some level, but that doesn't mean I would prefer that she end up with him if I was gone. The affair fog was thick when they were working together and playing house at night. She admits that it wasn't real life (kids, bills, laundry, etc) so who knows what he would really be like.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> A combination of learning that abandonment is her biggest fear, so my departure would make her find someone new. And realizing that maybe he really is a nice guy on some level, but that doesn't mean I would prefer that she end up with him if I was gone. The affair fog was thick when they were working together and playing house at night. She admits that it wasn't real life (kids, bills, laundry, etc) so who knows what he would really be like.


You should send her to him. 

I can't even...


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

I'm guessing this could also be in the same vein as them referring to their affairs as "journeys of rediscovering themselves"?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> A couple of years ago my W said that if I died she would pursue the old AP. She regrets saying this now and thru counseling realized how hurtful this was. But she will forever believe how great their time together was, and that he is such a great guy.


Ugh…

I'm not making light of the situation, but this came to mind….


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Spoons027 said:


> I'm guessing this could also be in the same vein as them referring to their affairs as "journeys of rediscovering themselves"?


Mental gymnastics....

Word Salad.....

it's just gassing it up to take certain "taboos" out of the equation.

Maj Death is getting gassed as well....Fear of abandonment? Really? Then she needs 2 partners in case one dies....lol :slap:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would just drop her off at the AP's place and say don't be sad, I'm not.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I’d imagine it would feel a lot like “time to call a divorce attorney”.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> In most cases the WS gets over the AP and once they do, they wonder what on earth they ever fell for that person. Once the affair fog goes away, the harsh reality is left... the AP is not much of a catch.
> 
> An interesting fact is that people usually cheat with someone who is lessor in some ways than their spouse.


I want to expand on this a little further.

In my experience with people I have known personally that have cheated, if they truly believed the AP was "better" and the AP was in a position to take them full time, the WS actually left the BS. Often times in a matter weeks or even days.

The other cases, which make up the majority, the AP was a clear downgrade or they wouldn't take the WS as an actual partner, and so the WS wasn't truly in love with the AP per se, but was rather more into the extra kibbles and extra attention and poon. 

They may mope around the house and be bummed that they got caught and their extra supply of kibbles and poontang got cut off, but their actual grieving is relatively short lived.

IMHO, people who are actually grieving and depressed over the loss of the AP will soon be out the door some day anyway. 

If someone is dealing with a BS that is truly grieving and despondent over the loss of the AP, it's kind of a list cause in the long run anyway.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I want to expand on this a little further.
> 
> In my experience with people I have known personally that have cheated, if they truly believed the AP was "better" and the AP was in a position to take them full time, the WS actually left the BS. Often times in a matter weeks or even days.
> 
> ...



An interesting point. So how would the BS ever know if the WS are briefly moping their loss of kibbles versus biding their time until their AP attains the position to take them on full time? 

Because as we all know, they're really good at pretending until sh!t hits the fan.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Spoons027 said:


> An interesting point. *So how would the BS ever know if the WS are briefly moping their loss of kibbles versus biding their time until their AP attains the position to take them on full time?*
> 
> Because as we all know, they're really good at pretending until sh!t hits the fan.


The latter is the safer bet, so just take it as gospel and kick her to the curb.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Spoons,

You wrote, *An interesting point. So how would the BS ever know if the WS are briefly moping their loss of kibbles versus biding their time until their AP attains the position to take them on full time? *

It can be very hard to tell, I suspect my W wanted to divorce from the time we were married until 2008 when I recovered our marriage, about 18 years. She understood that OM1 could not be a real husband to her or support her or even give her love or affection as a wife. However her time with OM1 was the most intensely joyful few months of her life so she remained torn during the period in our marriage between an impossible passion and love and her sense of duty and family. 

I suspect that while my W could not go back to OM1, she also could not love me completely and wanted someone else who could do for her what OM1 did for her.

Tamat


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Normal in any relationship for it's end to be grieved.
Remember the WS is still fogged up and not able to see
the POS AP for the true POS the AP was.

Remember the WS had to rewrite marital history to justify
the affair.

So the WS has to come to terms with what a POS the AP
was, their own behavior. They have to detox their
brain from the affair. Part of this is to grieve the loss of 
their AP.

Eventually the grieving stops when the WS's head clears.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Spoons027 said:


> An interesting point. So how would the BS ever know if the WS are briefly moping their loss of kibbles versus biding their time until their AP attains the position to take them on full time?
> .


Does it really matter?

Either way, the WS does not want an exclusive, monogamous marriage with the BS.

I don't see it as the BS's job to try to differentiate the WS's grief. 

The BS's job is to protect their own best interests.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Does it really matter?
> 
> Either way, the WS does not want an exclusive, monogamous marriage with the BS.


Let me put it this way, if the WS is the least bit sad at all, it means that they either want to actually be with the AP, or it means that that want to continue to have the extra fun and excitement and extra poon of screwing around.

Is either of those compatible with a happy, healthy, monogamous marriage?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Let me put it this way, if the WS is the least bit sad at all, it means that they either want to actually be with the AP, or it means that that want to continue to have the extra fun and excitement and extra poon of screwing around.
> 
> Is either of those compatible with a happy, healthy, monogamous marriage?


Nope, not at all. That’s pretty much the exact opposite.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

My H has no idea how intensely I grieve the loss of my AP, nor do my children. He was not a downgrade, just recognized before I did that we were a lost cause. He lives far away, was going through a painful divorce, and had been separated for a long time. I knew that we couldn't last, but didn't count on how much I would come to rely on him. We tried to be friends for a while but once he found a girlfriend I couldn't handle it. 
I went into the affair looking for an escape from the pain of my H's multiple affairs and his subsequent lying and manipulation, so my situation is obviously different from most. I thought I was entitled to an affair because he had shattered our wedding vows and we were no longer functioning together as a married couple. I sleep upstairs in the master bedroom, he is downstairs in the basement bedroom. 
I was also incredibly lonely and felt that I couldn't leave because of our kids and financial situation. I think a lot of people go into an affair - women especially - thinking that they can handle it, that they won't get emotionally attached. It's a fallacy, just as the whole affair is a fantasy. My affair was incredibly damaging to me and I have lost years that I can never get back because of it. If I had it to do all over again, I would never have done that to myself. I would have left my H before I degraded myself with an affair that left me devastated and sometimes makes me feel that I am now damaged goods.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

blahfridge said:


> My H has no idea how intensely I grieve the loss of my AP, nor do my children. He was not a downgrade, just recognized before I did that we were a lost cause. He lives far away, was going through a painful divorce, and had been separated for a long time. I knew that we couldn't last, but didn't count on how much I would come to rely on him. We tried to be friends for a while but once he found a girlfriend I couldn't handle it.
> I went into the affair looking for an escape from the pain of my H's multiple affairs and his subsequent lying and manipulation, so my situation is obviously different from most. I thought I was entitled to an affair because he had shattered our wedding vows and we were no longer functioning together as a married couple. I sleep upstairs in the master bedroom, he is downstairs in the basement bedroom.
> I was also incredibly lonely and felt that I couldn't leave because of our kids and financial situation. I think a lot of people go into an affair - women especially - thinking that they can handle it, that they won't get emotionally attached. It's a fallacy, just as the whole affair is a fantasy. My affair was incredibly damaging to me and I have lost years that I can never get back because of it. If I had it to do all over again, I would never have done that to myself. I would have left my H before I degraded myself with an affair that left me devastated and sometimes makes me feel that I am now damaged goods.


Thanks for sharing your story. So you’re still with him then? Are you both in therapy? If not for each other then for yourselves?


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> All opinions welcome.
> 
> How would it feel for you if your spouse pined for the AP not just because of lust or the rush of new feelings or a new relationship, but because they genuinely enjoyed being with the AP, getting to know one another... all of the small things and details that should be reserved for the main relationship? Would it affect your decision to reconcile?
> 
> I know grieving and withdrawal are natural in detaching from the AP when reconciling, but tbh, some of the threads on Reddit just make me sad for the BSs. I also know it's ultimately their decision, but it makes me wonder how many are able to get through _those_ kinds of affairs, the ones that seem like they can potentially turn into genuine relationships.


What is the AP?


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Spoons027 said:


> blahfridge said:
> 
> 
> > My H has no idea how intensely I grieve the loss of my AP, nor do my children. He was not a downgrade, just recognized before I did that we were a lost cause. He lives far away, was going through a painful divorce, and had been separated for a long time. I knew that we couldn't last, but didn't count on how much I would come to rely on him. We tried to be friends for a while but once he found a girlfriend I couldn't handle it.
> ...


I am still with him, it's a long story which if you care to read is here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/#/topics/387194?page=1

I am in therapy, he is not. He doesn't really see the need because he is no longer cheating but was willing to do it if it meant I would stay. I told him it had to be because he recognized he needed it. We tried MC a few times, but neither of us were honest. He didn't admit to multiple affairs until after we had stopped MC.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

katies said:


> It would make me feel like I wanted a divorce.



Heck, that is why the majority of us file. Reconciliation is very hard to do after infidelity has broken trust. Most people that try to reconsile, after a hard try decide that the relationship is best if it ends. I took a whole month of that hell. I wish I could take that month back. It was not worth it. The only good thing about those 30 days of torture, was the great evidence I took to my lawyer's office. He didn't start getting rid of the paper trail until I kicked him out. By then, it was too late for him. 

My lawyer advised me to make copies and I didn't believe him, but complied with his advise. Boy was my lawyer right!


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

DustyDog said:


> What is the AP?


The acronym? AP = affair partner

Or something else?


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> All opinions welcome.
> 
> How would it feel for you if your spouse pined for the AP not just because of lust or the rush of new feelings or a new relationship, but because they genuinely enjoyed being with the AP, getting to know one another... all of the small things and details that should be reserved for the main relationship? Would it affect your decision to reconcile?
> 
> I know grieving and withdrawal are natural in detaching from the AP when reconciling, but tbh, some of the threads on Reddit just make me sad for the BSs. I also know it's ultimately their decision, but it makes me wonder how many are able to get through _those_ kinds of affairs, the ones that seem like they can potentially turn into genuine relationships.


Now that I know what AP is.

"How would it feel for you if your spouse pined for the AP....because they genuinely enjoyed....getting to know one another... all of the small things and details that" Were probably missing from the main relationship? Yeah, I finished your sentence.

What you describe is the primary reason why affairs begin. It really isn't lust or sex, most of the time. It's due to missing elements in the primary relationship - not enough time spent together (most marital counselors advocate 15 hours per week minimum, focused on each other - not doing chores, projects or watching TV), not enough positive reinforcement (same set of people say the ratio of positive comments you make to negative must be 5:1 or greater, or your partner will not feel appreciated), not enough attention, not enough...of what they really wanted and you didn't give.

How would I feel? I would be asking myself "how could I have so badly missed the fact that I was a lousy partner?" Yeah, them cheating on me would get my blood boiling, but not to the point where I was unable to see that I had a role in it.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

DustyDog said:


> Now that I know what AP is.
> 
> "How would it feel for you if your spouse pined for the AP....because they genuinely enjoyed....getting to know one another... all of the small things and details that" Were probably missing from the main relationship? Yeah, I finished your sentence.
> 
> ...


Uh, no. I asked exactly what I asked.

...And this is going off the assumption that the partner having these neglected feelings attempted to communicate with their partner, try to participate in therapy, or even leave before stepping outside of the marriage, correct? Not just say 'f*ck it' and do what they wanted because their partner couldn't read their mind?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Spoons027 said:


> Uh, no. I asked exactly what I asked.
> 
> ...And this is going off the assumption that the partner having these neglected feelings attempted to communicate with their partner, try to participate in therapy, or even leave before stepping outside of the marriage, correct? Not just say 'f*ck it' and *do what they wanted because their partner couldn't read their mind?*


Mind Reading? :scratchhead:

"Funny" how that plays out. Before my WW started cheating, she would talk to me about her feelings and displeasure with all kind of things in our marriage. Some I listen to and tried to remedy, other seem silly and I just ignored. 

Once she started cheating, it all changed, very few disagreements. It was like she had her life and I had mine. We seem to meet in the middle with the children being the focus. Our marriage was off though, I suspected affairs, but never had proof. Even stupidly did the soft confront. She played the good wife even harder. 

DD arrived. The lid blows off. A grocery list of excuses and rational concerning me and the state of our marriage. I was like... "When have you ever talked to me about these issues?" In truth she had given up, tossed the towel over a decade prior. Passive aggressive and silent to me. Her emotional needs being met by other men. 

Classic "Walk Away Wife". Regardless, I'm was supposed to be able to "Read Her Mind?"


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I just don't understand these kinds of questions or threads like this. Does she love me more, will she want to be with me? My mind doesn't work that way. I would be thinking, what is the benefit for me to stay with this person? Does she still deserve me? Can I really deal with living with this person? I suspect this is the difference in thinking from those who R and those who D.

When you see character as the first and most important attractive feature of a partner someone who has a severe lack of it really loses most of their appeal and it happens quite quickly.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Spoons027 said:


> *How would it feel for you if your spouse pined for the AP not just because of lust or the rush of new feelings or a new relationship, but because they genuinely enjoyed being with the AP, getting to know one another... all of the small things and details that should be reserved for the main relationship? Would it affect your decision to reconcile?
> 
> I know grieving and withdrawal are natural in detaching from the AP when reconciling, but tbh, some of the threads on Reddit just make me sad for the BSs. I also know it's ultimately their decision, but it makes me wonder how many are able to get through those kinds of affairs, the ones that seem like they can potentially turn into genuine relationships.*


*What reconciliation?

If they're pining away for their affair partner, that's where I tell them to be sure to not to let the front door hit them in their a$$ on their way out!*


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I just don't understand these kinds of questions or threads like this. Does she love me more, will she want to be with me? My mind doesn't work that way. I would be thinking, what is the benefit for me to stay with this person? Does she still deserve me? Can I really deal with living with this person? I suspect this is the difference in thinking from those who R and those who D.
> 
> When you see character as the first and most important attractive feature of a partner someone who has a severe lack of it really loses most of their appeal and it happens quite quickly.


I probably should have made it clearer, but this thread isn't pertaining to me personally. I actually feel the same as you. But recent threads on Reddit had me thinking about those who don't, especially those trying to work it out with cheating spouses still pining for their AP. 

Best of luck for them, but...


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

hunkel said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > A couple of years ago my W said that if I died she would pursue the old AP. She regrets saying this now and thru counseling realized how hurtful this was. But she will forever believe how great their time together was, and that he is such a great guy.
> ...


I don't know what to believe. That OM moved away.
I did inform the OMW about what I knew about foot man. But let's just say if I ever have an itch that needs scratched, she won't have much room to complain.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> Uh, no. I asked exactly what I asked.
> 
> ...And this is going off the assumption that the partner having these neglected feelings attempted to communicate with their partner, try to participate in therapy, or even leave before stepping outside of the marriage, correct? Not just say 'f*ck it' and do what they wanted because their partner couldn't read their mind?


So, so if I were to leave your sentence as you wrote it, I'd have then replied "because those things were missing..." etc. No change in response, just more wordy that way.

No, I made no such assumptions. Most couples problems BEGIN with a communications problem. If a person feels neglected, unable to connect, it is already past a communications problem. By this point, they may fear bringing it up for fear of starting an argument.

Despite what may seem common on here - YELLING in a relationship is a really bad sign that things are way far past "easily fixed". People yell because they're frustrated that things they've been trying have failed to work - over and over and over. You didn't indicate whether the spouse(s) in this case did any yelling, but if they did, then sure, I'd expect one of them to say "**** it" to the thought of attenting, one more time, to talk to a brick wal.

BTW, I do not speak from experience on this. Yes, I was neglected, and yes, talking over and over got nowhere, but neither of us became the WS...the divorce was well under way before either of us found ourselves in another relationship. My observations about neglect being in place in cheating situations comes from reading the results of Gottman's observation of 100,000 couples over 40 years.


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