# The Grieving Process, friend's insensitivity, am I being selfish?



## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

Going through a divorce, under quarantine, working from home, and started the process of moving out. This week I faced major changes. After 6 weeks of working and living together under the same roof with my soon-to-be ex-husband, I spent a week in my own apt, 5 minutes from work, and was able to work from my workplace. I was hit with strong waves of anxiety, sadness, and mild depression. I know this is part of the grieving process and I'm allowing myself to feel all the emotions while also keeping it together in the workplace.

All that said, I have a really close friend who I've been speaking to about my divorce. She's a great listener and allows me to talk about whatever is on my mind, no matter how jumbled. But lately I've noticed that I'm the one always calling her and she never calls me unless it's returning my call. I also initiate google hangouts, while she doesn't. I don't want to be the friend always calling and venting my problems so I've taken a break from that. I don't want our friendship to turn into therapy sessions. 

However, this past week, my hardest week of all, she started texting me her trivial problems...ex: "I've gained too much weight during quarantine and now my shirts are too tight. I need new shirts!" Or random tiffs her and her husband are having that seem so minor compared to what I'm going through. Yesterday she texted, asked how my week went. I told her I had anxiety and didn't sleep well. She responded "why?"...I couldn't even fathom how she couldn't understand why this week would be so hard.

Am I being selfish in getting wrapped up in my problems to be upset with what I view as her being insensitive? Am I putting to much onus on her role as a friend?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So you're mad that she didn't reach out, then mad when she did? You need to decide what you want. 

Everyone has problems. Just because hers seem small to YOU doesn't mean they are small to HER. If that's what she's struggling with then return the favor and listen to her. Support her the way she has supported you through this. Be glad for her that she doesn't have bigger problems. 

She asked why you were feeling anxious and upset... she didn't tell you to get over it or ignore it or something. Maybe she was distracted and didn't connect the dots. Or you know, maybe she's not a mind reader. No one is. 

IMO, yes, you are being sensitive.


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

bobert said:


> So you're mad that she didn't reach out, then mad when she did? You need to decide what you want.
> 
> Everyone has problems. Just because hers seem small to YOU doesn't mean they are small to HER. If that's what she's struggling with then return the favor and listen to her. Support her the way she has supported you through this. Be glad for her that she doesn't have bigger problems.
> 
> ...


I think my post got misread to illicit this response.

I'm not mad, never said I was. And I have definitely been supporting her. I return the favor like no one else. She even told me I was her lifeline. I never said I didn't support her, and I am very happy she doesn't have bigger problems.

I was at my lowest this week, deep in grief, which will lead someone to feel more sensitive than usual.
I guess I should reframe my question and ask: 
"What should I expect from friends during this time"?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Divorce is a tough, emotional process. Some friends may be supportive but others won’t be. Try journaling your feelings as much as possible. I did when I was dealing with my divorce and I found it helpful. You might too.


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Divorce is a tough, emotional process. Some friends may be supportive but others won’t be. Try journaling your feelings as much as possible. I did when I was dealing with my divorce and I found it helpful. You might too.


Thank you for this helpful response. I've started to journal here and there but will do this more often now that it's getting tougher. I agree it does help!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The big D will be foremost on your mind for quite a while and that's absolutely normal. It sucks if it wasn't your doing and the grieving is a process that you'll work through. You can do it.

Bearing in mind others, including friends, still like to talk about other stuff too, and though it will grate on you at times the mundane conversations are part of your recovery. 

Everyone's favorite topic at times is themselves. Human nature, don't take it personally if someone goes off on a tangent. 

Hang in there!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@jd317 , 

I'm sorry to say I essentially agree with @bobert in that people are not mind-readers. Good people who love and support you may occasionally have issues of their own, even if the issues seems "small" to you. They may get tired, just like you. Let's be honest--they aren't you and they aren't in your head, so chances are about 100% they aren't going to think and act just like you! 

I get it--divorcing is HARD grief. It's a death, in a way. But listen to what you wrote: you're the one always reaching out to your friend...you're the one starting hangouts...yet when your friend DOES reach out to you, your problems are SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than hers...and she's insensitive for not just magically knowing the depth of what you're going through. Would you "hang out" with a friend who acted like your issues are trivial and like you should just read her mind? Nah. I suspect not. 

So you ask "What should I expect from a friend?" 1) Ask for what you need--don't just expect it. Make a respectful request that has at its core the right to say "no" if they can't do it...and you won't feel resentful if they honestly say "no." 2) Be a good friend back. If you want someone to be a good friend to you and consider your struggles and pain as important, then consider your friend's struggles and pain as important too. It's like the Golden Rule: Do Unto Others.


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The big D will be foremost on your mind for quite a while and that's absolutely normal. It sucks if it wasn't your doing and the grieving is a process that you'll work through. You can do it.
> 
> Bearing in mind others, including friends, still like to talk about other stuff too, and though it will grate on you at times the mundane conversations are part of your recovery.
> 
> ...


You are so right! Thank you so much for helping me get some perspective. We're all wrapped up in our own worlds, especially during a quarantine. Thanks for the motivation!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

jd317 said:


> We're all wrapped up in our own worlds,


And, other people have different personality and temperament. Interestingly, my wife and I lost two children to cancer about 2 months apart, one at the end of December 2016 and other in February 2017. My wife has been grieving ever since, I come into the kitchen and see her crying at the table about 2-3 times per week.

I, on the other hand, was "over" it 2 weeks after each one happened. It hurt deeply to lose both of them, I loved them dearly, but my grief-mode is just different than hers. I try to be as supportive as I can, but I fully admit I don't know how she feels in this long continuum.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

jd317 said:


> "What should I expect from friends during this time"?


I don't really expect anything from my friends. As long as I enjoy some interaction w/ them, they'll stay my friends. Their providing some service isn't any part of it.


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> I don't really expect anything from my friends. As long as I enjoy some interaction w/ them, they'll stay my friends. Their providing some service isn't any part of it.


Very true. I'm realizing now I was the one too wrapped up in my issues. Yes it's all that's on my mind but I shouldn't expect anything from friends.


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

TJW said:


> And, other people have different personality and temperament. Interestingly, my wife and I lost two children to cancer about 2 months apart, one at the end of December 2016 and other in February 2017. My wife has been grieving ever since, I come into the kitchen and see her crying at the table about 2-3 times per week.
> 
> I, on the other hand, was "over" it 2 weeks after each one happened. It hurt deeply to lose both of them, I loved them dearly, but my grief-mode is just different than hers. I try to be as supportive as I can, but I fully admit I don't know how she feels in this long continuum.


I'm so sorry for your loss and you're so right, everyone is different.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jd317,

I know that you are going through a lot and it's hard. Sometimes you need to talk about your issues.

But the best thing you could do for yourself is to talk about anything but yourself at this time. 

We all tend to wallow in our own miserly. I know I can do that and it's a sometimes a struggle to focus on anything else.

The idea of journaling is a very good one. I do that sometimes... just get on my computer and type as fast as I can. Generally, by the time I get to the end I come realize that I'm just wallowing and delete it. It's like a way just dump all the crap in my head.

Think of other things to talk about. You are moving. As much as the move is hard on you, it's also an opportunity to make a place that is all yours. Are you going to buy some furnishings, etc.? Why not talk about that. 

Look at some humor, maybe text some of that to your friend. 

If you focus on how miserable you are, you will nourish your misery. If you focus elsewhere, you can find things that make you feel much better.

Is your friend being insensitive? No. Her life and issues matter too.


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> jd317,
> 
> I know that you are going through a lot and it's hard. Sometimes you need to talk about your issues.
> 
> ...


Wow, I deeply appreciate your sympathetically honest response. You are 100000% right that I was wallowing in my misery. After re-reading my post, I realize it was coming from a place of misery and that's not me. And I don't want to be the friend who's just dumping misery on others. I will focus on the positive- I was for a while. There are so many silver linings I can't even count. And I could end up losing not only my spouse, but a good girlfriend if I continue this way. I'm glad I put this out there. Sometimes you need strangers and outsiders to wake you up and pull you out of the depths!


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> @jd317 ,
> 
> I'm sorry to say I essentially agree with @bobert in that people are not mind-readers. Good people who love and support you may occasionally have issues of their own, even if the issues seems "small" to you. They may get tired, just like you. Let's be honest--they aren't you and they aren't in your head, so chances are about 100% they aren't going to think and act just like you!
> 
> ...


Thank you for calling me out on my BS. Sometimes you need to post these absurd questions to get your head out of the sand, out of my own misery and feeling sorry for myself. If I wouldn't have asked to strangers on the internet, I probably would've kept on for who knows how long.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Call you friend and ask how she is doing. Check what’s happening in her life. Have few laughs together.


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## Flowers1933 (Jul 25, 2019)

I feel you pain. My husband left me after being together for 30 years and married for 25. You go through all the stages. Anger, sadness, grieving, and hopefully acceptance my girlfriend told me the hardest part is being rejected. I was never truly happy in my marriage. He was very unsupportive and unaffectionate. I felt lonely even though he was here. I know I'm better off without him. I think the scariest part is doing it financially all on your own. I have never been independent. I went from living with my mother to my husband. I just keep trying to remember that one day these feelings will be all gone. And I will be happy again


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I have been where you are, all alone in that apartment wondering how your life found you there. With that said I don't think your friend is being selfish. I can't speak for most people but speaking for myself I can be there for a friend, but when I have had friends go through heartbreak I have found that I am a very good listener...the first few times. But the problem is that recently heartbroken people often want to have the same conversation over and over again. As a friend that can be taxing. Sounds harsh but she may not want to talk about it with you all the time, and I don't think that makes her a bad friend, sounds like she still is there for you, but might not want to talk about the sad stuff all the time if that makes sense.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

jd317 said:


> Going through a divorce, under quarantine, working from home, and started the process of moving out. This week I faced major changes. After 6 weeks of working and living together under the same roof with my soon-to-be ex-husband, I spent a week in my own apt, 5 minutes from work, and was able to work from my workplace. I was hit with strong waves of anxiety, sadness, and mild depression. I know this is part of the grieving process and I'm allowing myself to feel all the emotions while also keeping it together in the workplace.
> 
> All that said, I have a really close friend who I've been speaking to about my divorce. She's a great listener and allows me to talk about whatever is on my mind, no matter how jumbled. But lately I've noticed that I'm the one always calling her and she never calls me unless it's returning my call. I also initiate google hangouts, while she doesn't. I don't want to be the friend always calling and venting my problems so I've taken a break from that. I don't want our friendship to turn into therapy sessions.
> 
> ...


It’s nice that you have a friend who is willing to listen and allow you to express yourself. Because you’re grieving, it sounds like offering your support to her despite how insignificant you think her issues are is difficult for you. I can understand that you are not in a good place and that you might be thinking that no one truly understands what you are going through, but I believe a friendship goes both ways. Her concerns are real to her just as much as yours are to you.


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

Flowers1933 said:


> I feel you pain. My husband left me after being together for 30 years and married for 25. You go through all the stages. Anger, sadness, grieving, and hopefully acceptance my girlfriend told me the hardest part is being rejected. I was never truly happy in my marriage. He was very unsupportive and unaffectionate. I felt lonely even though he was here. I know I'm better off without him. I think the scariest part is doing it financially all on your own. I have never been independent. I went from living with my mother to my husband. I just keep trying to remember that one day these feelings will be all gone. And I will be happy again


 I feel ya, I was also in an unsupportive and unaffectionate marriage as well, feeling like I was on my own a lot of the times. You are better off without him, and I know I am too. He did me a favor and I am so grateful. But yes it's a very tough adjustment. Focus on taking care of yourself. Find happiness within yourself. That's what I'm working on as well. It's tough. But we'll get through this.


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Call you friend and ask how she is doing. Check what’s happening in her life. Have few laughs together.


Thanks, I did last night. It was much needed.


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

ReformedHubby said:


> I have been where you are, all alone in that apartment wondering how your life found you there. With that said I don't think your friend is being selfish. I can't speak for most people but speaking for myself I can be there for a friend, but when I have had friends go through heartbreak I have found that I am a very good listener...the first few times. But the problem is that recently heartbroken people often want to have the same conversation over and over again. As a friend that can be taxing. Sounds harsh but she may not want to talk about it with you all the time, and I don't think that makes her a bad friend, sounds like she still is there for you, but might not want to talk about the sad stuff all the time if that makes sense.


Yep, totally makes sense. I misdirected my anger towards my husband and this situation, and misery loves company. I had a good chat with her yesterday about other things and I don't want to have the same convo over and over, you're right.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm happy to listen to anyone who gives me equal time when I feel that I need it. You will also want to be careful around those types who want to relive their divorce through your conversations. I had one of those friends, we are friends no longer.

I do agree that while many problems seem less important when you're going through a divorce, it would still be wise to give some ear time. One friend put some boundaries on it, only call during certain hours, for example. 

I was once a goto for a friend who was adopting her niece. I wasn't sure if I should cheerlead for her knowing that she was getting pushback from her husband. Instead, each time she called after a setback in the process, I would ask questions about the process, what that might mean for her and try to stay away from giving an opinion. A couple of years later she told me that she really felt revived during that period from phone calls with me.


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