# 'you need to spread your wings' - crappiest reason EVER



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

long story short: 5 years of marriage, dated for 10 months.

i was independent woman, but i made a decission to stay behind the curtain and help his works. so our marriage is not only in romantic-legal speaking, but also a 'bond' of professional matter.
we lived in close proximity with his parents, which are pastors. i wasn't religious, and all of their religious blabber started to annoy me because they shoved everything biblical down into my throat.

i tried to cope, but the resentment grew. i should've avoid it, but it all happened now.
3 years ago i stated that we needed to move out.so we've been workingour a$$ to get the money. as time went by, i started to feel that i wasn't content with my life. i severed friendships, seeing no friends, had no social life but online; meanwhile he didn't. the resentment grew even deeper, darker, bigger.he became distant, and shutting me out emotionally. back then we were best friends AND lovers.

the 3rd year of marriage, our sex life took the first impact. we only had sex for only 4 times A YEAR. the 4th year: 2 times. the 5th year: none. so at christmas 2011 , we had a huge fight. several fights before were always started by me. they were started as questions, responded by stonewalling, then i lashed out, frustrated.
last christmas i persuaded him to be more communicative, and admitting that we actually HAD problem. i told him that we needed to save our marriage. he made a promise, and we went back to our lives. on july 2012, i reminded him, still no change. on october 2012 i felt that everything had changed and asked him 'what happened to us?' out of sadness. we were THIS couple: madly in love both physically and intellectually.he said he didn't know, and he finally admitted that he'd been in 'people pleaser' role for the sake of his parents'. i felt sad and i gave my last bit that i would support him in his career choice [unfortunately our field is not in the religion, and his parents have always been opposed him, dissed him and all]. 
december 2012, along with christmas, all the pressure became unbearable. we fought again, this time he wanted to divorce.
he told me that he felt sorry for me, that the woman he married 5years ago now is unhappy, etc, blahblahblah. he told me that 'i want you to spread your wings'. but after a week [this is day 9] i start to sense that it was HE who wants to run away from his parents.


his parents 'coach' me the whole week, threaten me that god himself will kill me [yes, that's it] if i dare to divorce.
he resents his parents even more, and i resent myself for unable to decide anything about us. i want to get out , i want to get a new job away from him, i want to be happy again. but i can't just divorce. i love him, i still do. IDK if this marriage is still fixable or not, but the family pressure is soooo unbearable!!

we still stay under the same roof, meanwhile i already packed up all my things. he's still nice, never been abusive. we still hug and touched and hold hands, and i know we meant it. but it hurts so much, im overwhelmed and confused about what to do.

TMI, but I live in Indonesia, marriage counselor is like an alien, so:
help?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where is your family in all of this?

I am confused, do you live in your own place or with his parents?

Until he is strong enough to be his own man and stand up to his parents, he's not going to make a good husband. And even then I'm not sure that this is the major problem in your marriage.

Perhaps you need to do this in small steps. The first one would be for you to move out on your own. That way his parents cannot tell you the garbage they have been.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

we live in our own place but it's close with his parents'. in fact, they come here everyday to 'check things out'.
my family support me 100% whatever i decide, they want me to be happy, and i'm thankful for that. 

and you're right, no one -includes me- is really sure about the ground zero of our problem. i really have no idea.

i do plan to move out on my own so does he, but IDK, i feel like we're those solo flyers meanwhile i still love, trust, and respect him so much.but recently i feel like he no longer sees me as an equal partner like he used to.
there's no money/booze/drugs/infidelity/lying/kids problems.we both agreed not to have kids from the very start.


i really really want to save my marriage.
but there's no such thing as Ex-Mom, but Ex-Wives? somehow i know this isn't the battle i can win.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

His parents are way too intrusive.

If the two of you were to move far away from his parents you might have a chance. Would he consider doing that?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> His parents are way too intrusive.
> 
> If the two of you were to move far away from his parents you might have a chance. Would he consider doing that?


he would love to, but in our separated ways. i sense that he resents me because i give in to all of the pressure from his parents :scratchhead: im really confused.
where did i do it wrong?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe the issues are within him.


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