# We have been married for four years and...



## mybabyhasfourlegs (Jul 3, 2012)

My husband and I married in June 2008. For the majority of the time that I have known my husband (since 2005) he has not had a steady job. His longest stint with a job was 6 months and then he quit, because his manager wouldn't switch him to a day shift, before he found another job. 

Now we are in a bit of a predicament. In August of 2011 I was offered a job with USPS. It is an on-call position and I work, on average, two days a month. I quit my old, full-time, job because my husband had been told that he would be employed, soon, with his step-father and he would be working full-time, plus I wanted more time available to finish my AAS in Biology, which I have been working on for three years. (Sorry, lots of commas.)

Well, so far all my husband has gotten from his step-dad is empty promises and a garage full of desks. (I now have to park in the driveway because our garage is full.) He (my husband) did have a brief job in a call-center, but two months into it he caught a cold, which developed into a massive sinus infection that gave him debilitating migraines that lasted for four months. It took an MRI, a CTscan and numerous doctor's visits to finally figure out that it was, indeed, a sinus infection and NOT cancer. He was put on emergency, unpaid, medical leave through his work and then, when it didn't look like the migraines were going to go away, he was given the option to resign or be let go. He choose to resign because his step-dad 'will have a warehouse secured and will be ready for him to start work next week.'

That was back in February. His step-dad has had one issue, after another, after another with this business plan of his and it doesn't ever seem to be going to get off the ground. 

I have tried suggesting to my husband that he needs to find a job in the interim because our life savings is gone, we have no money, and I am having to continually borrow money to pay for bills and food from my parents. (We applied for food stamps and I was denied because I am a student and I am NOT working 80 hours a month. My husband was approved for 38.00 a month) I do not like doing this and it makes me feel like an epic failure of a 26 year old, married, woman.

My husband has ADHD (which he is on meds for), he is a clam (meaning he hardly ever talks to me), and he sits and plays computer games all day. I want to strangle him sometimes.

I am posting here in the hopes that someone can give me some insights into what I can do to get him to get up off his butt and get a job so that I stop thinking I would be better off with my neighbor across the street than I am with him. At least our neighbor has a full-time job...

Don't get me wrong, I do love him. If I didn't I would have left long ago. But I don't know what to do. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. 

Thanks.

(btw, my baby is a dog, not a deformed human child. : p)


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

mybabyhasfourlegs said:


> (btw, my baby is a dog, not a deformed human child. : p)


^^^This made me lol... thanks :rofl:


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I am kind of tired so i hope this will make some sense. I can understand how frustrating this all is for you.. especially when your H is escaping reality by playing these games all day. Have you two considered marriage counseling and perhaps individual counseling?


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## mybabyhasfourlegs (Jul 3, 2012)

@ Gaia: Yea. We went to marriage counseling back in 2010 for 7 months because my husband and my best friend decided to have a one-night stand together while I was at work. 

I found out about it because he woke me up at 5:30 in the morning the next day to tell me he had left me a note and he would be at his mom's house. 

I made an appointment with a marriage counselor that day and the first three months saw massive improvements in him. He started helping me out around the house, he started to truly look for a job, he became more responsible. But then we just kind of kept talking about the same stuff over and over again in our sessions and it got old. We decided to stop seeing our counselor because all that talking started to seem really pointless, especially since we weren't coming up with anything new to say.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hmm the counselor hadn't asked if there were any new or unresolved issues?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I have some easy to follow great advice;

GET A JOB!
TELL YOUR SORRY A$$ HUSBAND TO GET A JOB!
GET RID OF THE DOG!

You have already spent over three years working on a two year degree. Either you don't get it or don't care.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

mybabyhasfourlegs said:


> .......... For the majority of the time that I have known my husband (since 2005) he has not had a steady job. His longest stint with a job was 6 months and then he quit, because his manager wouldn't switch him to a day shift, before he found another job.
> 
> .......He (my husband) did have a brief job in a call-center
> 
> ...... I have tried suggesting to my husband that he needs to find a job in the interim because our life savings is gone, we have no money, and I am having to continually borrow money to pay for bills and food from my parents.


I think i can reasonably extrapolate your life. Its going to be more of the same. You husband even if he gets a job is either going to keep quitting for any excuse or get fired for performance issues. He won't listen to anything you say to him (maybe even get mad at you when you try?). Plus he won't be motivated to do anything in life except for brief periods. Do you know why? Because of his metal illness (quoted below) Many ADHD people fall into similar patterns in life 



> My husband has ADHD (which he is on meds for), he is a clam (meaning he hardly ever talks to me), and he sits and plays computer games all day. I want to strangle him sometimes.


You are in a no win situation. If you "nag" him to get a job he will either ignore you or get mad at you. If you do nothing, you will enable him 
to sit at home play his games and live off you. Your only hope is he realizes by himself that he is becoming a bum and snaps out of it. If that doesn't work you have to either accept him as your dependent moocher for life or let him go his own way.

If i were you, i would let him go just because of this -



> my husband and my best friend decided to have a one-night stand together while I was at work.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

I meet couples like this all the time, where the husband has some combination of "conditions" and "incidents" that for whatever reason, he can't hold down a job. It's never his fault, fate always conspires against him, there's always some boss or coworker who treated him unfairly, and the wife is always stuck holding the bag, working two jobs, borrowing money, floating the bills.

Bluelaser is right. Your husband is likely not going to change unless you start showing him real life consequences, and probably not then. These kinds of guys are cunning masters at playing the victim and will always spin the situation to make it look like the stars aligned to sh*t on him, so even if you threaten real-world consequences he's likely to figure out how to make you the bad guy.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

slap him he might snap out of it. Or it might take slapping him a couple times.
Does he really cost you much money? Doesnt really sound like you are supporting him either.
Surprised your parents are giving either of you money, you want him to support you, he apparently wants you to support him, the state dont want to support either of you so your parents are picking up the tab.
Or get pregnant he might he might snap out of it. sometimes it takes having a child to get a man to stop being a dumbass. Put if you get pregnant and he still doesnt step up your twice as screwed.


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## mybabyhasfourlegs (Jul 3, 2012)

@ Dan F: You are an ass, I hope you are aware of this. I have had to spend 3 years on a two year degree because I work retail and the scheduling issues I have with that job do not allow me to take more than two classes a semester. 

And why should I get rid of my dog? She is the only creature in this whole world that is keeping me sane. As long as I have her I am happy. You, sir, are a troll.

@Bluelaser: You don't know my husband the way I do. You are simply going off of what I have told you which is not the whole story. Did you not read the part where I said that since we went to counseling the first time he HAS made changes?

Our main issue at the moment is that his step-dad keeps promising him 'any day now'. We don't know if he has time to find another job before his step-dad gets his **** together. Everything is up in the air at the moment.

And the main reason I decided to FORGIVE my husband for his indiscretion is because he told me about it less than 12 hours after it happened. He was willing to go to counseling with me and he was willing to make changes. Just because you don't have the capability to forgive, doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to forgive my husband. 

I came to this forum looking for good, CONSTRUCTIVE, advice. Not 'Your husband sucks and needs to get off his ass'. I get that enough from everyone else, I don't need it from faceless internet users too. 

So unless you have something CONSTRUCTIVE to say, I would recommend not bothering to comment.

Thanks.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

mybabyhasfourlegs said:


> @ Dan F: You are an ass, I hope you are aware of this. I have had to spend 3 years on a two year degree because I work retail and the scheduling issues I have with that job do not allow me to take more than two classes a semester.
> 
> And why should I get rid of my dog? She is the only creature in this whole world that is keeping me sane. As long as I have her I am happy. You, sir, are a troll.


I am not here to make you smile and tell you everything will be okay and it's not your fault, you poor victim.
I am assuming that you are an adult. If you are still under the age of 18, then you have some wiggle room.
Otherwise, you have an excuse for everything that's going wrong in your life.
You and your husband can find work. I know that the economy is bad and employers are buttheads(they actually require that you earn a paycheck, not just show up).
You work TWO DAYS A MONTH!
That alone is ridiculous.
If you can't afford a place to live, you can't afford a dog.

What are you and hubby going to do when step dad is gone? What about when all your friends get tired of you sponging off of them?
Be an adult. Work for what you need, then work for what you want.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

mybabyhasfourlegs said:


> (btw, my baby is a dog, not a deformed human child. : p)


_
Real _intelligent statement there...


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

mybabyhasfourlegs said:


> I am posting here in the hopes that someone can give me some insights into what I can do to get him to get up off his butt and get a job so that I stop thinking I would be better off with my neighbor across the street ........
> 
> ....But I don't know what to do. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.


You were asking for some insight and advice not moral support. The only reason you are upset is because the insight you got was not what you wanted to hear.



> @Bluelaser: You don't know my husband the way I do. You are simply going off of what I have told you which is not the whole story.


Seems like you interpreted what i said to be judgement on your DH. Its not. Based on your story your DH is just another ADHD statistic. But you don't have to take my work for it. Go to addforums.com and check out the stories of various people and you will see thousands of people just like your DH. 



> Not 'Your husband sucks and needs to get off his ass'. I get that enough from everyone else,


So there *is* a consensus between your friends, family and random "faceless internet users" about what the problem is. Its just that you don't want to *accept* it.




> Just because you don't have the capability to forgive, doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to forgive my husband.


You DH did the 2 worse things any husband could possibly do to his wife, cheat on her with her best friend and sponge off her and yet you have found it within yourself to forgive him and then defend him. Either your heart is made of gold or you just need him more in your life than you realize (and this discussion is moot)


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

mybabyhasfourlegs said:


> Our main issue at the moment is that his step-dad keeps promising him 'any day now'. We don't know if he has time to find another job before his step-dad gets his **** together. Everything is up in the air at the moment.
> 
> Thanks.


You came on this site for advice and suggestion, dont get mad at people for expressing theirs (@Dan).

You are blaming your step-dad's promises on your husbands situation?????????????????????? that is the worst excuse possible, blaming others for his situation puts you in a true state of delusion/denial. 

How long are you are your hubby gonna wait for that train to come in?? hell it's been since february and you guys are still waiting, shame on YOU/HUSBAND!! 

And to top it all off, you comment that you dont know if you have time for your husband to find a job before his step-dad gets his **** together....:rofl:


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Look you want some constructive advice, when you husband is sleeping, throw his video games out the window. And place a classifieds add in the place of where his games are. 

Also, have a good sit-down with your hubby, explain that he needs to man-up and get a steady job and stop waiting for his step-dad who promises arent being met. Explain that you both can't continue to live off your parents, you are grown adults who need to be responsible for the food and bill you both accumulate.

If he doesnt understand, ship him to his mommy's house so she can take care of him. Also, someone said get pregnant... NO!!! that would be the last thing to do in this situation.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Perhaps cutting off your Internet and cable services would give your husband the incentive to walk away from the computer, and you have a good reason to do that, if you're borrowing money for food and bills. But I think the time has come (and passed) for your husband to get an ass-kick. He needs something to motivate him, even if the conversations are uncomfortable for you.

As for you... You're working two days a MONTH, and only taking two classes a semester because of "scheduling". Sorry, I don't get it. You could be taking a full course load and simply miss two days a month, if finishing your degree was a priority. And how much money can you make in two days that it's worth dragging this on for multiple years? Stop making excuses. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> You are blaming your step-dad's promises on your husbands situation??????????????????????


Thats a good catch Humble Pie. Its basically blaming a potential employer for not hiring you in a time frame that is convinient to you. 


And i didn't understand the 'reported the infidelity within 12 hrs' comment. Are you saying it is more forgiveable because it was reported as soon as it happened? :scratchhead:


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Alright first off I've been there!!

You can work and raise a child and go to school!! My wife worked, raised 2 kids with my help, and got her BSN. Then while working 50hr/wk, raising 4 kids with my help, got her MSN!

I've always worked 50hr/wk+ with travel. Your husband needs to get off his lazy ASS!! 

I promise both of you are capable of pushing yourselves much harder and longer than you think. My wife and I went from living in a apt. with 2 kids. 

To making over 225k/yr combined, 250k house, 2 new cars, and fully funded 401k with 4 kids in 5 years time!! 

Best of luck!!


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