# not you average affair in my eyes



## thetwoofus (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi 
here is my situation
I have been with my wife for 15 years and married for 10. Ten months into our marriage my wife had an affair and l was none the wiser.Four months later she confessed she had a night out out and had drunk sex with someone.So i evened the score(it was discussed with my wife) and had a sex session with a girl l found on the internet and that was it. We moved on and it was well and truly forgotten. Nine years later and 5 kids my wife slipped up and alarm bells rang. It took 6 months of pressing to get the truth. So this is what happened.

My wife had worked her way up the corporate ladder which was a great acheivment after a tough upbringing. The bank world went through a major merger which brought all the highflyers to town. My wife was involved and there were many drinks after work. One night she met this guy from sydney and they ended up sharing a taxi. He lent across and kissed her. She blew it off but never told me. Two days later he invited her to a football game in a corporate seat. She asked me and l said go and dont miss the oportunity even when it was my birthday on that day. They had a night out and ended up screwing back at her office. Next week he asked her out for dinner and she accepted as there was a work party that night. It was discussed that the sex thing was not to happen again. A week later they are out together with work and end up screwing in his hotel. The next week my wife was in Sydney and they end up at the same bar then end up screwing in my wifes hotel.

Two days later we have a tragedy in the family and the focus is returned to me and thats the end of the affair

here is my dilema

I love my wife and am very hurt from what happened. Its the trust thing that she couldnt tell me that hurts the most.

We have talked about it day in day out for the last 2 months

She agrees now 9 years later that it was crazy but cant explain what she was thinking back then as she was confused. Its a tricky situation as lm dealing with it now and my wife dealt with it 9 years ago. Its opening up old wounds for her and lm dealing with it as it was yesterday. We have been to counciling and l get it that l will never understand why it happened

This is what l feel

I love my wife and truly believe she was caught up in the high life and was played by a smooth operator which is where my anger is
I contacted him and we spoke for half an hour and to be honest he smoothed me over aswell
He is the one living the lie from his wife. He had young kids at the time and he disgusts me. I feel that he needs to feel real pain for his actions and that if his wife found out that would cause him real pain. I and my wife have felt the real pain. So why shouldnt he feel the pain?

Am i just bitter?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Normaly as it is long ago I would say move on, however do tell his wife, send a polite mail or message explaining what happened then close that door. It does not matter how long ago this happened it will always hurt, due to your affair neither of you take the moral high ground. Why is this now on your mind ? Focus on what you have today and protect your family for tomorrow, the affair thoughts will never permanently go they will lesson over time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I disagree with this completely. Why hurt his wife, kids and family? You are transferring blame for this from her to him. She had sex with him because she wanted to. 

This is like shooting a bar owner because your wife became an alcoholic. Focus on your marriage. Being vengeful will not help anyone and will hurt a lot of innocent people.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Sorry...WTF?!...your wife cheated on you...so you mutually agreed to even the score by you cheating on her...UM does anything about this seem ****ed up to you?!

I'd say you both had issues WAYYY before this second 'cheating' by your wife. it sounds like the relationship was in trouble way before then...if you foster a culture of cheating is ok, or irt's ok as long as we even the score...then what do you expect?

I find it bizzare that you could mutually agree that you cheat on her.


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## thetwoofus (Feb 17, 2011)

Xena said:


> Sorry...WTF?!...your wife cheated on you...so you mutually agreed to even the score by you cheating on her...UM does anything about this seem ****ed up to you?!
> 
> I'd say you both had issues WAYYY before this second 'cheating' by your wife. it sounds like the relationship was in trouble way before then...if you foster a culture of cheating is ok, or irt's ok as long as we even the score...then what do you expect?
> 
> I find it bizzare that you could mutually agree that you cheat on her.


hi thanks for the reply
there was no second cheating it was all in reference to the only time
as the mutal agreement l dont see that as cheating as we were both aware l call that just sex


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## thetwoofus (Feb 17, 2011)

jamesa said:


> I disagree with this completely. Why hurt his wife, kids and family? You are transferring blame for this from her to him. She had sex with him because she wanted to.
> 
> This is like shooting a bar owner because your wife became an alcoholic. Focus on your marriage. Being vengeful will not help anyone and will hurt a lot of innocent people.


thanks
it makes sense what you are saying l guess im inocent but hurt.you are right hurting more people wont help


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

wow...a lot to this. What your wife did was wrong. Her commitment is to you and the marriage/family and she seems to have a weakness in this area. That said the "man" in question is a predator and scum with no care for any harm he leaves in his wake. He knew she was married and he persued her. I think the odds are that your wife isnt the only women he's cheated on his wife and family with. Hell, he's probably cheating on his family now. So........since you're in your shoes would you rather not know what happened (ignorance is bliss...) or know the truth? I wonder if his wife were given that choice what she would choose and should she have the opportunity to choose. 

The fact that her health is potentially at risk is obvious so I'm not even going to mention it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Ask your wife what she thinks you should do about it OM. Ask her if she was his W if she would want to know. Have you discussed anything about your thoughts with your W ? If you've been talking about it for months day in and day out, I suspect you have some idea how your wife feels about it. Also, does this potential exposure put your W's career in any jeopardy?


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## vadu2006 (Jan 24, 2011)

thetwoofus said:


> Hi
> here is my situation
> I have been with my wife for 15 years and married for 10. Ten months into our marriage my wife had an affair and l was none the wiser.Four months later she confessed she had a night out out and had drunk sex with someone.So i evened the score(it was discussed with my wife) and had a sex session with a girl l found on the internet and that was it. We moved on and it was well and truly forgotten. Nine years later and 5 kids my wife slipped up and alarm bells rang. It took 6 months of pressing to get the truth. So this is what happened.
> 
> ...


People who had a rough upbringing, often subconsciously need to bring pain to others. 
You are feeling bitter about the other guy for bringing pain to your family however don't forget he did it in team-work with your wife! Doesn't it disgust you your wife can so easily be seduced by some player?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

all the worlds a stage...and we are merely players..." hmmm, food for thought.

Xena is on to my 1st impressions but others have touched on the same theme(s) albeit in different prose.

u both left open a "door" for this lustfull encounter of yer W's
when u retaliated with an internet boinking of yer own.

immaturity to the max! how old were u two when marr'd?
when u both cheated (etc)? yer W has issues but shes not
alone pal. i wouldnt be surprised if she has more "stories" to 
tell, or that u left out some data about one or both of ya's.

i write this more for the rm than for u, as i noticed u didnt 
even "get"/understand what xena was trying to say, accurately
that is.

u digg me?


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## thetwoofus (Feb 17, 2011)

your right l dont get what you are saying' can you explain?
we were 30 at the time


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

shouldve been "wiser" at 30 for starters.....but......oh well.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

If i were the OM wife I would want to know about the affair. She does have the right to know about what went on.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Might be going out on a limb here, but 

maybe you 2 shouldnt be married.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This seems to be about closure. Ordinarily I would say the affair took place long ago; forget about it. However, the OM is obviously a player. Your wife surely was not his one and only fling. I believe I would tell the OM's wife. It might save her life and provide closure for you.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

thetwoofus -- when it comes to contacting the OM's wife, it can be very grey. I don't think contacting her because you want him to "suffer" is a good idea at all. If you sit on this for a week or two and decide that she has the right to know and you think she should possibly protect herself, then yes she should know. If you are doing it just to wreck his life, you aren't doing anyone any good.

I agree with the others here who tell you the anger is misplaced. The only thing about that is, eventually the anger towards your wife will come in and start this whole cycle again. Forget about him and his role in YOUR marriage, and focus on her and her role in YOUR marriage. She chose to do these things, even after warning flags rose up from the kiss in the cab. She still chose to be around him. No job in the world is worth losing a loving spouse over. NONE.

You need to decide for yourself if you can forgive wholeheartedly. Sometimes it isn't possible. The affair hurts, but the lying on top of the affair is what is tearing you apart. Someone you loved ripped your heart out and betrayed you, then lied about it. That is where you need to spend your time working.


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