# Wife Walked Out on Me Today



## speakingwithgravity (Jul 21, 2013)

So my wife walked out on me today, threatening divorce. Been together 5.5 years and married for a little over a year. It's not the first time since we've been married that she's thrown that word around, in fact she's probably thrown it around too much for only being married as little time as we have. It seems to usually revolved around her issues with my family. In fact that's the very reason today; that she hates my family. The trigger being that a cousin of mine offered some advice. In her reaction to me she claimed _if_ we have any kids ever she's forbidding to ever let and of my family see them. I told her I felt that was unfair and that my family isn't that bad and they've always been nice and welcoming. Hell every time I got visit my parents or any family people ask about her and how she's doing and say they miss her. I relay that message but it doesn't matter to her.

Her take is that they are rude, condescending and mean to her anytime we see them. We almost never seem them and from my observations I've never noticed them saying anything bad to my wife, so I'm always confused when she brings something up. My problem then is that I try to be objective and diffuse her anger and tell her it's not as bad as she thinks and to just let it go. It seems that usually backfires and I get accused of "not listening" or "taking their side." which makes her feel worse. We made a deal early on that I would be by her side at my family events to help deflect any B.S. that may come her way. The thing is though my family from my observations and listening has always been supportive, nice and welcoming to her. I've never observed any bad behavior from my family towards her with the exception of my brother maybe talking over her in conversation a couple times over the years, which he does to everyone. The only major one being first Thanksgiving she came to that my family hosted my Dad and a BIL unknowingly offended her by cracking a joke. She has held it over my head since then. 5 years and counting now, even though I had both my Dad and BIL apologize and I've apologized for countless times whenever she finds it convenient to bring up.

So recently she's been having some self-image issues and her Dr. mentioned that she needed to lose some weight, which has sent her into a depression and she decided to make some post online in which she received a lot of support and advice from friends. One of my female cousins, whom I barely know or see decided to offer her advice this morning, which my wife took the totally wrong way. After I read it, the post seemed totally benign and rather supportive with some solid advice since my cousin apparently could relate having gone through a similar weight issue. It was very similar to many other messages people left, but it seems like the fact that it was one of my family members caused her to react poorly to it and interpret it as an attack. She told me expecting me to yell at my cousin about it, which I felt was unjustified, then proceeded to say poor things about my family, threatened divorce, said she was going to her mother's, packed some bags and left. 

Many of you will say she probably has mental health issues and she does. She was diagnosed with depression when she was a teenager and has battled with it since. Apparently therapy and medication didn't work for her, so she hasn't tried any direct methods of bettering herself since. I'm sure some things in her childhood affected her poorly as she felt like she was always bullied and picked on growing up, her parents fought all the time until they divorced when she was still a kid, had bad boyfriends as a teenager, etc. I've tried to gently encourage her over the years to maybe talk to a mental health professional, but that was usually met with a brick wall. Recently she spoke with me about wanting to get help again which I was very happy about and completely supportive of. It could help us with our communication and maybe even work out her issues with my family? I'm not sure. I know I'm supposed to be there and defend my wife, but confrontation has always been a major issue for me and I feel like if I confront my whole family saying that we're cutting them out because my wife is offended by things they do or say, real or imagined that they'll be totally blindsided and hurt, especially if I told them you're never seeing any kids we may have. My family are decent people, not perfect, but decent people, and I know they support us and are nice to us on a regular basis. I guess at this point I'm just confused and not sure of the best way to handle the situation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady has been with you for 5.5 years and is just know figuring out the she doesn;t like your family????WTF.

From were Im sitting this power struggle your old lady is playing is bull crap, and I wouldn't stand for this kind of emotioanl black mail.

I think she should but her big girl pants on and face this crap head on and do something other then running a way and threatening you...

I suggest you go get a lawyer and give your wife what she wants....this action just might save your marriage when she sees you will no longer deal with her emotional torture.

But in the same breath the both of you could use some counseling in learning the tools in how to deal with the toxic enviorment you both alow in the marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There has to be more to this story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> There has to be more to this story.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This. There's a weird unspoken undertone. Something class-based is my suspicion.


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

I completely agree that there must be more to this story. OP paints a picture of a completely unstable, unreasonable, almost crazy wife. No specifics are given regarding exactly what she finds offensive yet she is extremely adamant that his family cannot be a part of their future children's lives. 

OP, they way you have responded to your wife may leave her feeling betrayed, disrespected, and insecure. It's evident in your post that you are not taking her complaints seriously and it's evident that you won't protect her when she feels vulnerable.

Standing next to her at family gatherings is not protection if you cannot see the hurt she endures as really happening. I'm not saying you don't love her. I'm saying that by your own admission, you don't see what's going on and you don't validate her perspective at all. 

What she needs from you is to be believed and protected. I hope this is not coming across as an attack. It's genuinely meant with the best of intentions. Your wife is hurt and frustrated and feels like you continuously choose your family over her. 

If you love her and you want to have a chance at saving this marriage, you need to choose her. Clearly. No if, and's, or buts. Just do it. Once you have gained her trust again, she will give your family back to you. This will take time. This is not about your family. It's about you. I hope this makes sense and I wish you the very best. Please keep us posted.


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## speakingwithgravity (Jul 21, 2013)

There may be more to the story, but I did not want to write a huge novel. The family thing has been an issue since early on, I didn't just figure it out, but I thought things would eventually work themselves out. Wrong move. Our relationship has had it's ups & downs over the years certainly. When she's hopefully/in a good mood things are great, but it can change in a second and I'm accused of being the devil essentially. I've lost people who I've thought were good friends over stupid stuff, I've had to watch as my wife has burned bridges with people she was friends with over minor slights. Some of them though she has worked things with out over time though, but I get the feeling they're wary of getting read the riot act again, so they're not as close as they once were.

Anyway, She wound up coming back last night after going to her mothers and we talked for quite a while. Her mother essentially told her "this isn't my problem, work it out yourselves." Which I feel was the right thing to do on my MIL's end. I think the problem aside from me being oblivious, is that whenever there has been an issue, it's usually been brought up after the fact, not then and there. She's been better recently about being more prompt at telling me when she has a problem, like at my brothers wedding this past summer, but it used to be she would wait weeks or months and then whammy me with a problem out of nowhere. And I keep trying to recall people saying anything to her that would be considered a slight, but I come up blank, which is what's making the feeling of confronting my family hard because when I look at the situation, their statements seem harmless and their attitudes don't seem negative. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place and if I mention all this to them that they will actually start to say bad things or feel negatively towards her and it will create a worse situation. Ultimately I don't want to cut out my family. I feel like something can be worked out.

As far as my family, perhaps I don't notice if they say things because I'm used to the way they act, but overall they seem like decent and accepting people. I know that our individual families function very differently though. My family is pretty passive comparatively and people don't fight. They might get a little passive aggressive at times though. I know occasionally certain family members talk about other family members behind their backs, not in a mean spirited way, but just to make conversation. Who doesn't? I've witnessed her family, several times talking about family members behind their backs too, or making jokes at peoples expense. When someone has an issue in her family though they usually let it be known. I know she's had issues with cousins, aunts/uncles and even her parents a lot over the years, so maybe that's why she's expecting me to "man up" as the middle man and fight my family. 

One thing she brings up a lot is that she's afraid that my family thinks she's just like my brother's ex-wife, who never attended family functions. On top of that she had a pretty fake/rude persona. Like my parents caught her sitting in my brothers car in their driveway once before they came inside for a gettogether and she was screaming her head off at him, then when they came in she acted like nothing was wrong. My brother's ex-wife essentially let it be known over the course of their marriage (they got married pretty quick, within a year of dating) that she did not like my family and when my brother was going through his divorce, people in my family talked, which my wife picked up on. Even before then they would talk if my brothers ex-wife wasn't present, but it was more like things of "I wish his wife would come, I want to get to know her and she's not giving us a chance." So I think she's afraid they think of her like my brothers ex-wife, so that makes her like my family even less because it's like she's convinced herself that that's the way they think.

My wife can be reasonable a lot of the times, but other times she can't be reasoned with and it seems like that's because I'm not listening and not standing up for her, and I get how that can make her feel betrayed, disrespected and insecure, so this is something I need to work on to save our relationship. Maybe ultimately I need to just tell my family that she feels unwelcome because people say certain things or give her the vibe that you don't want her there, so she's just not going to come. Either you can be more accepting and nice or don't. I mean, either way she's decided she no longer wants to come to my family events and I told her that's fine, but it still sucks.


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