# Women Over 85 Are Happier Because Their Partner is Dead By Then, Psychiatrists Say



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

The headline and the article seem a little different, but the headline gave me pause to think.

So much for marriage. I know from witnessing the death of my parents and wife's parents that marriage isn't always pleasant when one spouse dies. i saw first hand how my mother blamed my father for getting cancer and abandoning her when he died. I saw my wife's mother get extremely bitter and angry with her husband as she slowly died. She made his life a living hell. I hope to do better in my final hours.

Still an interesting headline topic, that I hope for the sake of marriage is just sensationalism. Sex and intimacy in marriage should be providing some joy even at the end.

Women Over 85 Are Happier Because Their Partner is Dead By Then, Psychiatrists Say

http://www.newsweek.com/women-over-...ir-partner-dead-then-psychiatrists-say-748067



> Women become progressively happier as they age, according to a health survey conducted in England. They have higher rates of poor mental health than men throughout much of their lives, until over the age of 85, when women’s overall happiness increases and men’s decreases.
> 
> With the exception of the elderly set, women were more likely than men to have poor mental health at nearly every age. Overall, 21 percent of women reported mental health problems, compared to 16 percent of men. The change that occurred over a lifetime—leading to less mental health concerns among women—was likely due to the specific burden of responsibilities that women often carry, according to the dean of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, Kate Lovett. Further, many women are widowed by then, which psychiatrists say may also be a factor.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I just saw my mother run herself into the ground for years caring for my father. They could not have help come in because of my father's trouble communicating (we have come to the conclusion that he was on the autism spectrum, but they didn't diagnose things like that in the 20's). Anyway, she collapsed the day after his funeral and had to be hospitalized. 8 months later, she is starting to become herself.

My mother in law is going through the same thing now. The live in a progressive care community and he refuses to go into assisted living, even though he is dying of cancer and has started to fall daily. My MIL is a wreck. Will she be happier when he is gone? Probably. That does not mean she does not love him and is not devoted to him.

It is very normal for a full time care giver to feel relief when their charge dies.

Speaking as an older woman with a fairly old fashioned husband and the mother of 3, there are times I want to be me without my husband. Oh, I do things - work, have friends - but I am always his wife because I have been for 30 years. I won't be happy if he goes before me, but I will be different and that can be freeing.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

NickyT said:


> ....Speaking as an older woman with a fairly old fashioned husband and the mother of 3, there are times I want to be me without my husband. Oh, I do things - work, have friends - but I am always his wife because I have been for 30 years. I won't be happy if he goes before me, but I will be different and that can be freeing.


There is an interesting book that I read "Still Sexy after All these Years." It is a collection of interview stories about women who are over 55 who no longer are traditionally no longer sexually active, due to being a widow, having a husband who is medically impotent, divorced, etc. It states how they each have found something in their life to provide sexually or intimacy without their husband. Some of the stories are inspiring and some will make you cry.

Thanks for sharing


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> The headline and the article seem a little different, but the headline gave me pause to think.
> 
> So much for marriage. I know from witnessing the death of my parents and wife's parents that marriage isn't always pleasant when one spouse dies. *i saw first hand how my mother blamed my father for getting cancer and abandoning her when he died*. I saw my wife's mother get extremely bitter and angry with her husband as she slowly died. She made his life a living hell. I hope to do better in my final hours.
> 
> ...


My mother has done the exact same thing. Blames my dad for getting cancer as well. Its been almost 10 years and she is just not the same person she was. She is 85 now.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

barbados said:


> My mother has done the exact same thing. Blames my dad for getting cancer as well. Its been almost 10 years and she is just not the same person she was. She is 85 now.


*It’s no state secret that age itself can definitely play with the inner workings of the mind!*


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Surely you've heard this one :

Why do men die younger than women? 

Because they want to.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This will all be solved with the sexbots.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Weird. Doesn't fit my experience. I just turned 52. I've been treating (read dying of) type 2 Diabetes for 15 years. 72 is a best bet for my longevity, with 65 being more likely. I have figured that my wife would outlive me by a healthy margin. Up until the past year or two as we have been testing and diagnosing her weak heart valve. Now it is a race to the end. Who knows which will kill one of us first. 

Then someone declares that widowed women are happier. Wouldn't late term divorce be as effective? My mother is a widow, and one of my younger sisters is a widow. I didn't see a great weight lifted when their husbands died. In fact as the oldest son/brother I end up filling in quite a bit. They have been very gracious not to lean on me heavily. Mom's mobility is getting so poor that her house is being refitted to keep her self sufficient. My sisters youngest son will graduate high school soon. Her oldest is back home from university trying to find herself. 

All of my grand parents have gone, father, Father in law, two uncles, one brother in law. Of them all only my mother in law seems happier, but Dad in law suffered PTSD and Bi-polar for decades. so yes there was a great weight off of her. But she still misses him. I still miss him.
MN


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hahaha! Wheeeee!!😁

The headline struck a funny cord.

My grandmother lasted two years after my grandfather passed.

She faded rapidly from a powerful woman to a frail shell.

They lived through the depression, raised 6 children and loved each other with a commitment I rarely see outside of the occasional puff piece on the news.

I have tears in my eyes thinking about them.

They never went to a psychiatrist. Maybe the emotionally healthy aren't on the head shrinkers' raidar.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

I know a couple of widows age 70+ that used to complain about their H when he was alive. Now that the H has died, most miss their H, mostly because they have to do what the H used to do. Most widdows don't cook as often so that takes less time and effort. These widows do rely more on friends and relatives for things that need to done. I am one of the friends that does things for a few widows.

Of the pluses of being a widdow, what I hear is she doesn't have to do domestic stuff on a time schedule, which could include, getting out of bed when she feels like it, cooking or eating what she wants when she wants, doing activities or entertainment (TV movies, social gatherings) without considering the missing H opinions or feelings. Widows with money can buy what they want when they want it (50 pair of shoes and several purses or clothing items). Widows without money all say the H's modest income is greatly missed.

OTH, if the former H was controlling or difficult to live with, then I can see the widow being happier.

What I did observe is husbands that made most of the decisions (good decisions) and the W just went along with the H did but didn't have much interest in what the h did or understand why he did what he did, now she is upset at him for not making her learn or understand his methods. I sort of get the idea she is pissed he left her with the knowledge of how and what to do some things. she is upset because she has to sell his car or tools as if he should have done these things BEFORE he died.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sokillme said:


> This will all be solved with the sexbots.


They'll need to invent a sex-bot who will get out of bed immediately afterwards and make his lazy ass a sandwich while doing his laundry.

When they invent one of those, I'll buy one myself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My Grandmother lost my Grandfather after he fell out of a tree at 75. He was cutting limbs off, about 30 feet off the ground. He landed on his arm and dislocated his shoulder. About a week later he had a stroke.

It seems that he had something floating loose in his blood stream and ended up in his brain, causing the stroke.

Both were Sammi's from northern Finland.

He lived another two years. He turned into a fidgety monster. He refused to be coddled. He was bitter.
He drove that good women to tears. And she was a hearty soul, believe me. 

Anyway, after he died she changed back to her regular vivacious self. She had many suitors. She was seventy-five when he died.
She had many romances, two LTR's and outlived all of them, dying at ninety two. 

She said I was the splitting image of my Grandfather. And I was her favorite. I would have never guessed!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> They'll need to invent a sex-bot who will get out of bed immediately afterwards and make his lazy ass a sandwich while doing his laundry.
> 
> When they invent one of those, I'll buy one myself.


Amen. And do the laundry and the grass. Hell maybe the servant bot will eliminate the need for the sex bot.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

The institution of marriage is dying.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> The institution of marriage is dying.


One can hope. 

It's amazing to me the number of adults (men and women) who marry expecting to be "taken care of" in some way be it financial, domestic, etc. That attitude is just wrong.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Forgot to add ... the title of the referenced article is just the usual "click bait" so often used these days, nothing new here.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> One can hope.
> 
> It's amazing to me the number of adults (men and women) who marry expecting to be "taken care of" in some way be it financial, domestic, etc. That attitude is just wrong.


While I agree that expecting to be taken care of is wrong. The spirit of marriage is that you love eachother and try your best to meet eachothers needs . Comunicating and patients and perseverance is part of it. Having the maturity to not let resentment creep in and not seeking validation eslwhere. 

To bad most don't mature enough to figure it out until its too late. I see no reason to commit to love someone in todays world when human nature shows that selfishness and the ease at which some can throw the vows of marriage away when things get tough.

Its a different world not sure its better.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

85 year old women are happier because it took some men that long to embrace their true female identities. Compliments of the younger generation that has paved the way for them!

https://nypost.com/2017/03/29/transgender-wwii-veteran-comes-out-as-a-woman-at-90/


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sheez... still remember when grandpa died, grandma was so griefstricken, she watched videos of them together singing and celebrating every day, trying to remember when he was around.

Now I hear folks are celebrating when their spouse dies? Meh



sokillme said:


> This will all be solved with the sexbots.


I want a terminator girlfriend!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> I want a terminator girlfriend!


save up your pennies!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I completely disagree. Due to my profession I see a great number of widows, many of them in advanced years. I can say with great certainty that many of them are not that happy. My own aunt lost my uncle three years ago. Their's was a love match. They married in their forties and never had children. They spent every waking moment together for thirty plus years. When he died suddenly, she was crushed, and to a great extent still is. I believe that she is waiting, rather impatiently for the day that she once again joins him. My MIL lived ten years after FIL died. She was open in missing the companionship, and they had a healthy sex life into their 80's (my poor wife accidentally walked in on them-it is not fun seeing your parents look like naughty naked children). I can say this, I doubt that I will be her last husband. My family keels over in their 70's, hers is full of centenarians. Mom went to 95, grandma, 102. (Grandma had buried 2, and was looking for #3. Grandma's sister, in her late '80s had her husband drop dead in the middle of the act-family joke, as he came, he went.)

My MIL eschewed dating in her 80s although she did get into trouble at the home holding hands with a gentleman while watching TV in her room, with the door open. She had an expression for women and men getting together in later life: They're all looking for a nurse or a purse.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> They'll need to invent a sex-bot who will get out of bed immediately afterwards and make his lazy ass a sandwich while doing his laundry.
> 
> When they invent one of those, I'll buy one myself.


No no... 

...BJ....then get out of bed immediately...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Cletus said:


> Surely you've heard this one :
> 
> Why do men die younger than women?
> 
> Because they want to.


Why do married men live longer.
They don’t,it just seems longer.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> One can hope.
> 
> It's amazing to me the number of adults (men and women) who marry expecting to be "taken care of" in some way be it financial, domestic, etc. That attitude is just wrong.


Well, yes, if the giving is one sided.

One side giving, the other only taking.

One side talking, the other only....
Only allowed to listen, not to interject, to object...


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I live in a retirement community of over 125,000 senior citizens. Most of the elderly widows are not happy. Some of course are glad that their husbands are dead but most miss them. They miss the companionship. They are among many married couples and there is little for them to do at that age. I will admit that we do have some 80+ women that are still very sexually active but for the most part they are in ill health and have no partner to help them or keep them happy. One study or Psychiatrist does not make something true.

I can say that drinking water causes cancer because everyone who gets cancer drinks water. You really need to understand statistics and the type of study done before you accept it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What a heartwarming uplifting thread. 

I think I’ll just off myself when I’m 65.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> What a heartwarming uplifting thread.
> 
> I think I’ll just off myself when I’m 65.


No, but start eating all the yummy but unhealthy foods you avoided in middle age. As between cancer, Alzheimers or heart attack, which one do you want to die from? Time to start gorging on fettuccini alfredo!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

anyone ever noticed that happy people typically live longer? 

people who love life get out and experience it more. they exercise more. they worry less. their bodies produce less cortisol, so their blood pressure stays lower, they store less fat in their bellies, and their arteries stay more flexible, they don't typically abuse drugs, etc. they usually just live good, long lives. 

here are a couple pictures that i found interesting...


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