# Struggling to cope



## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

I'm not sure where to start. Wife and I been married for 4 years, but had ongoing problems for at least the last year. 

Our main troubles were down to her constantly working late (unpaid overtime), not spending enough time with our son, or me for that matter. And also troubles in the bedroom. Slept together once every 4/5 weeks, but only ever on her terms, whenn she wanted it etc. She said she had no "need" to have sex any more than that, and it will never change.

About a month ago, she started acting out of character. Acting shady with regards her phone... it was never out of her sight, took it to the toilet, bathroom etc. When before, she'd often lose it as she rarely used it. Then she went on a night out round to her friends. Told me she would be home at midnight. Text me at midnight to say she will be home about 1am. Rolled in at 3am. I asked why she was late and how she got home, as she was tipsy. She said they drank too much, lost track of time and then called a cab.

Probably wasn't the best thing to do, but I checked the phone to see what time she called the cab. No calls made. I asked her friend the next morning what time my wife left hers, she told me it was midnight, then just said "I'm not getting involved" and ended the conversation. It transpires also that when she text me at midnight, she was in the vicinity of her work, which is in a dark, quiet industrial estate, especially at 1am! Her work is a 15 minute drive away and she didn't have her car.

Confronted my wife, she said she was at her friends until 3am and don't know why she's lying? Even though I told her I had hard proof she was by her work? She was picked up by someone at midnight but no idea who.

After I confronted her and she continued to lie, I walked out. Didn't want our son to see the arguments. She's been on WhatsApp constantly pretty much since. She used to use it sparingly and talk to the same usual suspects (joint friends of ours). But she's been on it until 1am most nights, when no-one we know has been on for hours. So she's definitely talking to someone new for sure.

Since I walked out, all she's wanted to know is how much I'm going to give her each month and how often i'll have our son, as she wants plenty of free time to herself. She's made no effort to talk about us or try and fix the marriage. Which I guess speaks volumes in itself.

I popped back to our flat today to pick up some things whilst she was out... on the floor was a skimpy thong (which she never wore for me as she said she hated them!) with what looked like dried semen stains inside. I just feel so humiliated that we argued for over a year regards sex, and a within a week of me moving out, she's having unprotected sex one night stands.

I've not confronted her about the thong finding, as what's the point? I've suspected something and this just confirms my suspicions I guess.

I just feel so depressed. And hurt. Never wanted my son to come from a broken family. I've fought tooth and nail to make this marriage work.

I just don't feel like I have the mental strength to get through this. Keep breaking down. I'm living with parents temporarily. Just can't stop thinking about her with another man. Help


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Wait for it....drum roll please...

Divorce her. 

How can you seriously want to be married to that type of a woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Oh, and stop fighting for your marriage. She apparently does not care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

Oh that's not the issue, I went to the solicitor today to find out m legal rights with regards to our son and our home. My point being is that I'm struggling to cope/move on, and it's not even been a fortnight yet!

It hurts that she's shown no remorse, and is generally acting like us seperating is just "one of them things" and is showing no emotion? 

I know I deserve so much better, but I can't imagine life without her.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Oh I see. Sounded like you were trying to get her back. 

Be glad she's gone. You don't need that in your life. 

You can find a loyal woman I'm sure. And your son is the one that is probably most damaged. His mother is a cheater and she obviously did not care about the aftermath that can harm your son. That right there tells you who she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Can you tell us more about her?

Job?
Age?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

jerry123 said:


> Oh I see. Sounded like you were trying to get her back.
> 
> Be glad she's gone. You don't need that in your life.
> 
> ...


This. She clearly gave no thought to what will happen with our son. 



jerry123 said:


> Can you tell us more about her?
> 
> Job?
> Age?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure, she's 32, i'm 34. Our son is 3 years old. She's an Account Manager for an importing company. Her working hours are Monday-Friday, 9-5.30. I work shifts, so was home a lot... whenever I was, she stayed at work until 7/7.30pm as often as possible. Often also starting work at 8am too. She would miss our sons bedtime regularly.

When she came home from work, she would go gym 3 times a week. I'd do almost all the chores as I was home more often. She would cook maybe twice a week and that's it.

I've felt like a single dad in that marital home for many months. When I confront her about her long hours, she snaps at me for not supporting her, questioning whether I realise how stressed she is with her job. Said she feels bad enough not spending any time with our son without me compounding her stress....


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Oh poor her....she was stressed/pissed because you were trying to ruin her fantasy life. 

Seriously, just be glad she is gone. Get a good lawyer. It sounds like you are in UK. I have heard they are tough on fathers/husbands even though she did this. You need a good lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

Well, quite. She wants the life she had before she was a wife and mother, it's bizarre? But the fact she's slept with someone within a fortnight of us breaking up, just kinda says it all.

I'm in the UK, the solicitor is sending me a breakdown of all the legal costs... I can see the STBXW refusing to pay any divorce costs too....


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I don't know how it works in UK. 

In USA each person gets their own lawyer. And they argue or mediate custody, alimony, child support. 

So she won't fight to keep your son? 

Just keep saying to yourself. " I'm do lucky to be rid of her"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

Wow! I'm so sorry that you're faced with this. It must really hurt. You mentioned she has made no effort to talk about what's going on nor shown any desire to try to fix things. Has she admitted to an affair?


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

She said she's been unhappy for a year and has tried everything to make it work. In reality, she's tried nothing. We went to marriage counselling, but she stopped going once the counsellor suggested that my wife was at fault for a lot of our problems.

She's not admitted to an affair. I've not confronted her with the fact I know she slept with someone yesterday, because I don't see the point. Where's it gonna get me? All it's done is confirm my own suspicions, which I really didn't want to believe 

She's got zero interest in making us work. She's barely spoken to me other than to ask when i'm having our son. Yet she's on WhatsApp from 6am until about midnight every single day. How she gets any work done or spends any real quality time with our son whilst she's constantly on her phone, i'll never know....


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## End_Run (Apr 10, 2014)

I know how you feel Mik... I went through a few episodes with my wife where she cheated on me and it rips your heart out of your chest. I punched holes in my bedroom wall until there was nothing left to punch then sobbed for hours feeling so completely and totally worthless after her second such interlude. 

I later learned that each time she cheated, it wasn't about me not satisfying her as a man, it was about her living with (at the time undiagnosed) clinical depression, her own poor self image and needing to be wanted. You see, I was very much like your wife in that I work all the time and I was not there for my wife in the ways that she actually needed me. 

It's no excuse though, as in my opinion marriage should be forever. I am currently fighting with everything I have to make sure my children (and my step-children for that matter) don't have to go through yet another divorce. 

It doesn't sound like there is much left to fight for as far as your relationship with her goes... my advice at this point would be to focus on your son and what's best for him. 

Be honest with yourself and consider what you could have done better for her and for you. Don't let her actions at this point dictate your emotions. Hold your head up and know that you have value as a man and as a partner. You will eventually find a woman that understands and values you for who you are and what you can provide. Good luck to you.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

mik3yc said:


> She said she's been unhappy for a year and has tried everything to make it work. In reality, she's tried nothing. We went to marriage counselling, but she stopped going once the counsellor suggested that my wife was at fault for a lot of our problems.
> 
> She's not admitted to an affair. I've not confronted her with the fact I know she slept with someone yesterday, because I don't see the point. Where's it gonna get me? All it's done is confirm my own suspicions, which I really didn't want to believe
> 
> She's got zero interest in making us work. She's barely spoken to me other than to ask when i'm having our son. Yet she's on WhatsApp from 6am until about midnight every single day. How she gets any work done or spends any real quality time with our son whilst she's constantly on her phone, i'll never know....


mik,

Your wife has talked herself into the idea that she's your victim. In the numerous self-help books I've read, this is the best summary of the syndrome I've ever seen:

Drama Triangle | Lynne Forrest


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

magnoliagal - would you be able to please elaborate? I'm intrigued...


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

End_Run said:


> I know how you feel Mik... I went through a few episodes with my wife where she cheated on me and it rips your heart out of your chest. I punched holes in my bedroom wall until there was nothing left to punch then sobbed for hours feeling so completely and totally worthless after her second such interlude.
> 
> I later learned that each time she cheated, it wasn't about me not satisfying her as a man, it was about her living with (at the time undiagnosed) clinical depression, her own poor self image and needing to be wanted. You see, I was very much like your wife in that I work all the time and I was not there for my wife in the ways that she actually needed me.
> 
> ...


Yesterday hit me hard. The tiniest thing would set me off and I just kept breaking down. I feel like I hate her so much, but can't bear to be without her and can't bear the thought of her with somebody else either.

She messaged me tonight... saying she does want to be with me, but doesn't know how to be happy with me. Won't try counselling as she doesn't believe in it and has ruled out all outside help. I don't know the answer....


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

mik3yc said:


> magnoliagal - would you be able to please elaborate? I'm intrigued...


She's pretty specific in her article as well as her videos. And, she's the best I've found - as she is able to give you a "why" that answers why we fight like we're little kids. Well, both of you are trying to be seen as the victim, and there's only room for one victim. Once victimhood gets established, the victim releases themselves from adult responsibility - because they've "been wronged"


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would guess all those extra hours she more than likely has been sleeping with someone from the workplace and it's been going on for a while. You may want to get an STD test.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

mik3yc said:


> Yesterday hit me hard. The tiniest thing would set me off and I just kept breaking down. I feel like I hate her so much, but can't bear to be without her and can't bear the thought of her with somebody else either.
> 
> She messaged me tonight... saying she does want to be with me, but doesn't know how to be happy with me. Won't try counselling as she doesn't believe in it and has ruled out all outside help. I don't know the answer....


Dude....I feel for ya but let her go!!

To be blunt (because that's what you need) stop being a beta chump and find another woman. Have tons of sex and get your pride and manhood back. Your ex will eventually find out you have moved on because you'll stop wanting your cheating ex back. 

And I'll bet my house she tries to lure you back. Right now she has all the power, turn that around...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

dude all that message was is a i want to keep you on the back burner while i go and screw a ton of people and try and find someone new. you are not even her plan b. she is going to say alot of stuff to try and keep you on the hook dont fall for it like i did in the past.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

another bs that i cant understand.... i'm out for now and get back when he mans up in about another 100 page's
in the meanwhile good luck op


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry bro'

You are going to be better off.

Standard Game Plan here:

Start doing the 180, from "Divorce Busting"
Find out who the POSOM is and expose the affair to everyone including her family, his family, her employer, her friends.

The pain will turn to anger and you will start feeling better in time, a long time.

You can do it, we all did,
Stretch


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