# Not sure what to do...



## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

Hello, 

My husband and I separated back in March. We had various issues we both needed to work on. The thing that forced the separation was me discovering he was texting and calling another woman. Even though he said they were just friends and that nothing else happened, this wasn't okay with me. While separated, he actually went to live with her and they ended up dating. After finding that out, I also started to date. About a month or so ago, I felt less angry about what happened and said that we could start to work on things. Him and I started going to counseling again and he was working on cutting ties with the other woman. And then it all changed. She contacted him this weekend and said she thought she was pregnant. They went to the hospital and confirmed that she was. There hasn't been a paternity test, yet. I now have a huge decision to make. Do I stay and help raise this child or do I leave? Right now, I am more hurt about the fact that he really had zero concern for me or marriage while being with her. This could have been prevented if they had used protection. I know I am strong person and can rise above in order to accept this woman and child into my life, but I am not sure if I really want to. I guess I am just looking for some advice from people in my shoes. Women who maybe left or chose to stay and made it work. 

Thanks!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd bail.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your husband cheated and had a baby with another woman. Simple. Keep moving. LEt him raise his kid with the other woman.
All that crap he told you about they were just friends is just that. Crap. Clearly.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Do you think there is room for you in all that would be invited into this?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

He was probably having sex with her the whole time he was texting, and he hasn't even been honest about that. He's an irresponsible flake who can't be bothered with birth control and got a woman pregnant that he apparently had no intention of having a long-term relationship with. 

Now imagine yourself with a good, honest man--perhaps one who's not even saddled with another woman's children. Your husband's child would be a financial burden on you and a daily reminder of his infidelity. You'd spend the rest of your life playing James Bond to figure out if he's in his next affair yet. All of this while changing diapers for a baby that's not yours. 

Imagine a man who texts you and you only. It's possible--they're out there. I know it's easier said than done to dump him. But you'll be happier in the long run.


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Do you think there is room for you in all that would be invited into this?


Do I think there would be room for me in this situation? That's what I am not too sure about. As of now, he says the child is his main focus and then it's our marriage. I'm afraid that eventually he'll stop trying to repair our marriage.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

jane2017 said:


> Do I think there would be room for me in this situation? That's what I am not too sure about. As of now, he says the child is his main focus and then it's our marriage. I'm afraid that eventually he'll stop trying to repair our marriage.


I think this is wise foresight... and perhaps your answer.

I believe you will be second for everything, their connection will always come first and that is not the present your happiness needs... let him go.


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> He was probably having sex with her the whole time he was texting, and he hasn't even been honest about that. He's an irresponsible flake who can't be bothered with birth control and got a woman pregnant that he apparently had no intention of having a long-term relationship with.
> 
> Now imagine yourself with a good, honest man--perhaps one who's not even saddled with another woman's children. Your husband's child would be a financial burden on you and a daily reminder of his infidelity. You'd spend the rest of your life playing James Bond to figure out if he's in his next affair yet. All of this while changing diapers for a baby that's not yours.
> 
> Imagine a man who texts you and you only. It's possible--they're out there. I know it's easier said than done to dump him. But you'll be happier in the long run.


He totally could have been, only they know for sure. He did lie before, so he could be now. That is what is killing me, the pure stupidity of not using birth control. You make great points about the child being a burden and being a constant reminder of what happened. I know that if I do stay, I will have to treat the child as my own. I know I am strong enough to do that, but I don't think I want to...


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your husband cheated and had a baby with another woman. Simple. Keep moving. LEt him raise his kid with the other woman.
> All that crap he told you about they were just friends is just that. Crap. Clearly.


Plain and simple, you're right. It's just frustrating that I got to a point of where I was willing to work on things and then this happens. By no means have I forgiven what he did, but I think it's all too much and such a betrayal.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

A future life with this man will include this woman and their child for ever. 

Along with the betrayal, are you ready to endure that?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jane2017 said:


> I know that if I do stay, I will have to treat the child as my own.


Really? Child has a mother, yes? She will have custody, yes? If your husband and his mistress had been husband and wife, and divorced when he took up with you, he would see his child without you present or even involved in the child's life in any way. Why should it be any different in your situation?


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

anchorwatch said:


> A future life with this man will include this woman and their child for ever.
> 
> Along with the betrayal, are you ready to endure that?


I have endured so much with him already. He was verbally abusive and I was constantly yelled at over various things. I was always walking on eggshells. I do feel like I have already given a lot to him and the relationship, I don't I want to give more. Especially, if it's something like this. Something I never asked for and a constant reminder of the betrayal.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

jane2017 said:


> Plain and simple, you're right. It's just frustrating that I got to a point of where I was willing to work on things and then this happens. By no means have I forgiven what he did, but I think it's all too much and such a betrayal.



Your marriage was betrayed, no other word for it.

Forgiveness will come when you free yourself from that betrayal and leave yesterday's path behind you and your trust given to another.

This was something you needed to see sooner than later, may he give the child all the love deserved, it will just happen to be without your support.

He will either learn a lot, or struggle with the lesson... neither will be your concern as you wish him the best and move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jane2017 said:


> Hello,
> 
> My husband and I separated back in March. We had various issues we both needed to work on. The thing that forced the separation was me discovering he was texting and calling another woman. Even though he said they were just friends and that nothing else happened, this wasn't okay with me. While separated, he actually went to live with her and they ended up dating. After finding that out, I also started to date. About a month or so ago, I felt less angry about what happened and said that we could start to work on things. Him and I started going to counseling again and he was working on cutting ties with the other woman. And then it all changed. She contacted him this weekend and said she thought she was pregnant. They went to the hospital and confirmed that she was. There hasn't been a paternity test, yet. I now have a huge decision to make. Do I stay and help raise this child or do I leave? Right now, I am more hurt about the fact that he really had zero concern for me or marriage while being with her. This could have been prevented if they had used protection. I know I am strong person and can rise above in order to accept this woman and child into my life, but I am not sure if I really want to. I guess I am just looking for some advice from people in my shoes. Women who maybe left or chose to stay and made it work.
> 
> Thanks!


Why would you accept this woman and child into your life?

That implies some sort of polygamous relationship. Is that really what you want?

What gives you the idea that the woman would want herself and her child in your life?

Oh, and do get tested for STDs as pregnancy is not the only thing to arise from illicit affairs.


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

Yes, to both questions about the mother. I guess where I am coming from, is if I chose to stay, I'd be a stepmom, like it or not. The child is the most innocent person in this situation, I wouldn't be doing anyone any good if I simply just tolerated the child.


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Why would you accept this woman and child into your life?
> 
> That implies some sort of polygamous relationship. Is that really what you want?
> 
> ...


If I stayed, I'd be married to the Father. If I wanted our marriage to work, they both would be a part of my life, with visitations and things like that. 

It wouldn't be polygamous. We'd be co-parenting this child

She really has no choice on the matter, seeing as she slept with a married man.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Jane,

Here's my take. Of course your WH was having an A with this "friend". I'm sure that you agreeing to a separation was music to his ears. This way he could tuck you away as his plan B while he test drove the OW. Things didn't work out with her, so option B implemented. Until the next time he finds an option A.

Yes, I know you dated too. But he started this circus with his cheating.

Now at best, you're both on the hook for child support because of his immorality and stupidity. At worst, you'll have to deal with this OW for 20 years with their visitation rights and their continued contact. I wouldn't put up with that for a New York minute.

You shouldn't either. Bail.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

jane2017 said:


> he says the child is his main focus and then it's our marriage


With his child on the way, now is not a good time for you to try to salvage your marriage. Tell you that you understand that he needs to concentrate on his own situation for now, then go out and live your life not expecting anything from him.


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

badmemory said:


> Jane,
> 
> Here's my take. Of course your WH was having an A with this "friend". I'm sure that you agreeing to a separation was music to his ears. This way he could tuck you away as his plan B while he test drove the OW. Things didn't work out with her, so option B implemented. Until the next time he finds an option A.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that. Yes, he was all for it. I was the one that was a bit hesitant. I don't like the sounds of either of those scenario's, child support or dealing with her long term.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

IMHO, He's not mature enough to understand what it means to be committed relationship and has already brought so much drama to the relationship that alone will end up destroying it. 

Let him go, you deserve better... we all deserve better.

I hope for the child's sake you H grows up.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jane2017 said:


> He totally could have been, only they know for sure. He did lie before, so he could be now. That is what is killing me, the pure stupidity of not using birth control. You make great points about the child being a burden and being a constant reminder of what happened. I know that if I do stay, I will have to treat the child as my own. I know I am strong enough to do that, but I don't think I want to...


Whoa...Jane.

Is the birth mother going to give up the baby?
How is it your concern? Other than child support.

Are you going to encourage him to demand the child stay with you and your WH for 50/50...if he wants?

............................................................................................................................................

Here's the Dutch rub for me:

Why? Why would even consider doing this?


Initially, he had at least an EA with this women.
He likely had some sort of physical contact with her prior to the separation. Kissing, talking, hugging...on and on.

You said you 'also' dated also during the separation. Can we assume that you had sexual relations with some of these dates?
That would explain your willingness to take him back. You got loving comfort from a man or men while still married.

And it would explain your anger. You made sure sexual protection was used with your' loving 'dates'....he did not, when he stuck it in this.... homewrecker.
The OW, his affair partner, wanted to get pregnant. The oldest trick in the world used by women to 'hook' a man. 

I would be angry at him too. He is very immature, careless, carefree. He broke the marriage.

His toolbox does not contain the tools necessary to repair the marriage, no way, Jose.

Just Sayin'


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Whoa...Jane.
> 
> Is the birth mother going to give up the baby?
> How is it your concern? Other than child support.
> ...


No, I think she'd have custody. But, he would still have visitations and what not. He also said, he'd do what he could to support her. What that means, I don't know, right now. He really wants to be a part of the child's life. 

The only reason I would consider doing this, would be to save our marriage. It's so fragile as it is and with me not even forgiving the affair, I don't think I could or would want to handle this. 

Yes, the EA is what did it for me. I knew what could happen with that. 

Yes, I slept with one of them. I think, that did help with my decision to take him back. 

Yes, we used protection. I had enough foresight to know what could happen. That is my gut instinct with her. She said she loved him and she was upset that we were trying to reconcile. He said that she said, she couldn't get pregnant. 

I am very angry. I think his focus will be pulled in their direction and I agree, I don't think his toolbox has the tools to fix this. He really hasn't shown remorse about getting her pregnant, he hasn't expressed him not wanting it to be his, either.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

How would supporting him taking care of another woman and her child help YOUR marriage? If anything, it'll blow it up. 

Let him go, if that child is genetically his. He made his bed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@Satya is right. Let him go.

Take your time finding another man.

You seem level headed and very forgiving. These are important assets to have.

On your Revenge Affair? Good for you!

And I hope it was 'good' for you.

We pass this way but once. 

Unless you are Ulysses.


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> @Satya is right. Let him go.
> 
> Take your time finding another man.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I like to think I am level headed, it's been a rough few days, so my mind is a jumbled mess. 

LOL... thanks for the "good for you." It was good, I did what made me happy. At that time, I wanted to see what else was out there.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

jane2017 said:


> No, I think she'd have custody. But, he would still have visitations and what not. He also said, he'd do what he could to support her. What that means, I don't know, right now. He really wants to be a part of the child's life.
> 
> The only reason I would consider doing this, would be to save our marriage. It's so fragile as it is and with me not even forgiving the affair, I don't think I could or would want to handle this.
> 
> ...


My brother was told as a young man he would never father kids as the result of an injury. He has 5 kids....no one should ever believe the line I can't get pregnant. People in affairs rarely worry about protection and the consequences.

I think you should file for divorce and make a clean break from him. I don't believe him being honest to start with about it only being an ea. He is most likely trickle truthing you as you've been plan b for him. He doesn't appear remorseful at all for his affair let alone getting her pregnant. Time to put him in the rear view mirror and build a new life for yourself.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

He has no remorse? There's your answer. Your life WILL be miserable if you stay with this man. Why would you choose a life of guaranteed unhappiness ? You have to overcome the emotions that are drawing you to him. These emotions come from the pre-affair stage of your marriage. A marriage that is now dead. He killed it. Grieve and move on.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Trying to save your marriage and helping your cheater husband raise a child that is not yours do not belong in the same sentence together.

Sounds like he was not a prize before this happened. 

RUN
RUN
RUN.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jane2017 said:


> If I stayed, I'd be married to the Father. If I wanted our marriage to work, they both would be a part of my life, with visitations and things like that.
> 
> It wouldn't be polygamous. We'd be co-parenting this child
> 
> She really has no choice on the matter, seeing as she slept with a married man.


That is not correct. She would be the mother so she would call the shots.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> Trying to save your marriage and helping your cheater husband raise a child that is not yours do not belong in the same sentence together.
> 
> Sounds like he was not a prize before this happened.
> 
> ...


This, but add "fast"


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I didn't read this anywhere, but after he came back to you, it may be possible she went out and made sure she got pregnant to hook him back in.

Either way, why would you stay, with him having a history of being verbally abusive, and having a kid with his "friend" who turned out he had at least an EA with before you were separated, moving in with her, trying to work on the marriage and then telling you that you would come second to the kid?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jane2017 said:


> Hello,
> 
> My husband and I separated back in March. We had various issues we both needed to work on. The thing that forced the separation was me discovering he was texting and calling another woman. Even though he said they were just friends and that nothing else happened, this wasn't okay with me. While separated, he actually went to live with her and they ended up dating. After finding that out, I also started to date. About a month or so ago, I felt less angry about what happened and said that we could start to work on things. Him and I started going to counseling again and he was working on cutting ties with the other woman. And then it all changed. She contacted him this weekend and said she thought she was pregnant. They went to the hospital and confirmed that she was. There hasn't been a paternity test, yet. I now have a huge decision to make. Do I stay and help raise this child or do I leave? Right now, I am more hurt about the fact that he really had zero concern for me or marriage while being with her. This could have been prevented if they had used protection. I know I am strong person and can rise above in order to accept this woman and child into my life, but I am not sure if I really want to. I guess I am just looking for some advice from people in my shoes. Women who maybe left or chose to stay and made it work.
> 
> Thanks!


Sorry Jane but your WH, cheated on you, you caught him he denied it but ended up with her, so he is a cheater and a liar
Then he rubs salt into the wound by getting her pregnant. It will not end well for him and her and the poor kid, but you would be crazy to give him any more chances.
Your heart is broken I am sure but you should file for divorce immediately and retain some self respect and move on. Let him deal with the ****ty mess he and only he created!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jane2017 said:


> No, I think she'd have custody. But, he would still have visitations and what not. He also said, he'd do what he could to support her. What that means, I don't know, right now. He really wants to be a part of the child's life.
> 
> The only reason I would consider doing this, would be to save our marriage. It's so fragile as it is and with me not even forgiving the affair, I don't think I could or would want to handle this.
> 
> ...


Jane, are so beaten down and trodden on by this POS WH of yours that you are willing to accept this kind of arrangement, where the hell is your anger! Find your anger and dump his ass now! He created the child, let him deal with it, once he stuck his penis in an OW, no longer your problem and your marriage obviously wasn't of great concern to him then, it only is now because he wants you to help him carry the burden until such time as he finds someone else to be his number one. He is just using you, stop being a doormat!

How long have you been married?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jane2017,

Bail now. If you don't now in 10 years you will be right back "here" as Jane2027.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

"The only thing holding you":

The only thing holding you is "residual" love for your Wayward. The selfish, drifting, sex waterlogged, fuzzy, sotten Hoooseband that he is. 
Residual love. Left over from past, more pleasant thoughts, past memories.
Those memories will fail if they are not constantly refreshed in your neurons. 
Newer memories of him, fresh memories will 'write over' the older, less current versions.
And the newer memories are crazy and chaotic. Straight out of a soap opera, or a Jerry Springer re-run.

This WH is putty in the hands of women. In his wandering trespasses he has tripped. He went, face, flat down into the dirt. Never looking himself in the mirror, the dirt is still visible.
His mind is floating, has no firmness to it. The only firm part of him is his wang-dangler. The rest is mush.

You need a stable man and a stable future.

You married one man. Not one man, his GF and their love child.

Get a divorce. 

Please.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

jane2017 said:


> I now have a huge decision to make. Do I stay and help raise this child or do I leave? Right now, I am more hurt about the fact that he really had zero concern for me or marriage while being with her. This could have been prevented if they had used protection.


You have GOT to be kidding.

About the *last *thing you need to do is enter an unholy liaison with your cheating lying husband, his OW-turned-girlfriend, and their love child.

Your first mistake was believing this *POS* when he claimed it was just an EA back when you were married. What a crock of **** THAT was.

Your second mistake was believing this *POS* when he claimed that they didn't get romantically involved until AFTER he moved into her house. What a crock of **** THAT was.

Your third mistake was getting involved with this *POS* _again_ - but now YOU'RE the other woman. This ass-wipe just isn't happy unless he's screwing around on the side with _someone_, is he?

Your fourth mistake was believing this POS when he claimed he was 'working on cutting ties with his girlfriend' while sneaking off to counseling with YOU. He's no doubt been lying his ass off to her to make sure she doesn't leave - until he's positive he'll have a better deal going back to you.

He's nothing more than a sleazy opportunist who's looking for the best deal for HIMSELF. I guess living with her wasn't quite the 'happily ever after' these two imbeciles dreamed it would be, so suddenly, he's now *all about *coming back home to you. He's such a walking cliche.

Let's be honest here. His 'girlfriend' knows he's a low life sleaze ball. But she obviously likes low life sleaze balls or she wouldn't have had an affair with him while you were married and then happily let him move in with her when you separated. That was probably her plan all along - she won her 'prize.' And now, she's been stupid enough to get pregnant by him. Jesus, the third grade must have been the hardest 10 years of her pitiful life.

If you want to be involved with these two idiots for the next 21 years while they constantly battle in court over child support and fight about daycare expenses and braces and school expenses, what camp their kid goes to every summer, and continued battles about custody and visitation, then have at it. And don't forget how bitter she'll be when she discovers that once again, Romeo has acted true to form and was cheating on her to eventually come running back to you. Just _think_ of the joys her anger and bitterness will bring to you both. And then, there's the sheer pleasure of helping to raise HIS kid from the affair that caused the breakup of *your* marriage (and it WAS a physical affair no matter HOW much the liar tries to claim it wasn't).

And lastly, you get to eat a **** sandwich for life if you stay with a POS who had no problem lying to you, cheating on you, and moving in with his OW the minute you two separated. If you think this is the LAST time Romeo is going to cheat on you, you'd be sadly mistaken. He's SO low that I wouldn't put it past him to be out cheating on you *while* you're at home tending to HIS kid. Don't say I didn't warn you.

If you want to sign up for this utter sleigh-ride to hell, then you're a saint.

But trust me when I tell you - Sainthood is overrated.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Drop him fast. He will need to support that child financially for the next 2 decades, money he should have spent on you both. Divorce him immediately. Then meet someone who puts YOU first and you both can make what you want out of your life together with out a 3rd wheel. He cheated. By staying with him you will help him support that child. Not your problem. You deserve better.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

jane2017 said:


> Do I think there would be room for me in this situation? That's what I am not too sure about. As of now, he says the child is his main focus and then it's our marriage. I'm afraid that eventually he'll stop trying to repair our marriage.


LOL. This selfish ass-wipe doesn't put ANYONE first except *himself*.

This guy is SUCH a walking cliche.


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You have GOT to be kidding.
> 
> About the *last *thing you need to do is enter an unholy liaison with your cheating lying husband, his OW-turned-girlfriend, and their love child.
> 
> ...


Sainthood is very much overrated. Especially since they have started the conversation of what happens when the baby is born and those first few weeks? They both think it's okay for him to be over there all the time and even staying the night. His rationalization is that it's only for the baby, not her.. LOL. He also thinks it's appropriate for him to now be at her beck and call for cravings and doctor's appointments. I expressed concern on all that and his answer is that if it's between me and the baby, it's the baby and always will be. I understand the baby (who we don't even know if it's his or not, but he fully invested, now) is important, but to me, I think I having a healthy marriage/relationship should be a focus, too, if he was really trying to fix our marriage... it's obvious, that isn't where his head is. Thank you!!!


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

aine said:


> Jane, are so beaten down and trodden on by this POS WH of yours that you are willing to accept this kind of arrangement, where the hell is your anger! Find your anger and dump his ass now! He created the child, let him deal with it, once he stuck his penis in an OW, no longer your problem and your marriage obviously wasn't of great concern to him then, it only is now because he wants you to help him carry the burden until such time as he finds someone else to be his number one. He is just using you, stop being a doormat!
> 
> How long have you been married?


It was 7 years in April. 

I am finding my anger.... I was trying to really think on stuff before I decided. He's made it clear, his focus is the child, not our marriage now. I will always be second to that child.


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> I didn't read this anywhere, but after he came back to you, it may be possible she went out and made sure she got pregnant to hook him back in.
> 
> Either way, why would you stay, with him having a history of being verbally abusive, and having a kid with his "friend" who turned out he had at least an EA with before you were separated, moving in with her, trying to work on the marriage and then telling you that you would come second to the kid?


She could have, who really knows. He is fully invested and the paternity test hasn't even been done, yet. I think he really wants it to be his. 

I agree, everything he did was not right and now he's telling me he's working us, but putting this child who isn't even born, yet and he doesn't even know if it's his or not, before the marriage.


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## jane2017 (Aug 28, 2017)

aine said:


> Sorry Jane but your WH, cheated on you, you caught him he denied it but ended up with her, so he is a cheater and a liar
> Then he rubs salt into the wound by getting her pregnant. It will not end well for him and her and the poor kid, but you would be crazy to give him any more chances.
> Your heart is broken I am sure but you should file for divorce immediately and retain some self respect and move on. Let him deal with the ****ty mess he and only he created!


Yeah, it's already turning ugly. They are seeing the very ugly side of him wanting to control everything. He is already making enemies of her family... just the beginning of it all... This all kind of makes me smile a bit, because it is totally karma coming for both of them, it just sucks that now a kid will be in the middle of it all.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

jane2017 said:


> She could have, who really knows. He is fully invested and the paternity test hasn't even been done, yet. I think he really wants it to be his.
> 
> I agree, everything he did was not right and now he's telling me he's working us, but putting this child who isn't even born, yet and he doesn't even know if it's his or not, before the marriage.


Keep yourself in this good place. His words say _us_ but his actions say _her_ and _them_. This child was not conceived via immaculate conception. These were 2 adults who were well aware of what could happen not using contraception. Either way he cheated and created a new family while married to you. Just quietly and gently tell him I did not sign up for this when I married you, You have betrayed me, now please go and enjoy your new family. That is for the best. They need you, and I need piece of mind.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

jane2017 said:


> She could have, who really knows. He is fully invested and the paternity test hasn't even been done, yet. I think he really wants it to be his.
> 
> I agree, everything he did was not right and now he's telling me he's working us, but putting this child who isn't even born, yet and he doesn't even know if it's his or not, before the marriage.



All of this tells you everything you need to move on and *not look back*.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

jane2017 said:


> She could have, who really knows. He is fully invested and the paternity test hasn't even been done, yet. I think he really wants it to be his.
> 
> I agree, everything he did was not right and now he's telling me he's working us, but putting this child who isn't even born, yet and he doesn't even know if it's his or not, before the marriage.


He isnt putting the child first and all his bull about it is just nonesense. I'd lay odds their relationship was not "great" which is why he started coming back to you a's plan b. He wants to be with her and now he thinks with her being pregnant he has her. He will have the best of both worlds, you and her all under the guise of playing dad. It's just more selfish behavior on his part and nothing more. 

I'd highly suggest you file, get a deal cut with him before the father of the year starts paying child support.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Keep in mind Jane, while married to him if he accepts or is determined to be the daddy YOU and him for all practical purposes will both owe child support. They can hound you for his debts and it will be a very expensive mess to clean up. See an attorney and start the process asap to protect yourself. A formal legal separation at a minimum with separate assets.


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## youngnmarried16 (Jun 9, 2017)

jane2017 said:


> Emerging Buddhist said:
> 
> 
> > Do you think there is room for you in all that would be invited into this?
> ...


He's got to go!!! Listen to these people. You are worth more than that. Start moving on see other people be a ho but goddamit leave him.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By no means have I forgiven what he did, but I think it's all too much and such a betrayal.
> 
> I have endured so much with him already. He was verbally abusive and I was constantly yelled at over various things. I was always walking on eggshells.
> 
> ...


*Good grief Jane why are you delaying?* You have listed above so very good reasons for you to divorce him pronto!...I can understand you have emotional difficulties and considerations for delaying but your rational facts as listed above should far outweigh your emotions (fear-Guilt---need for validation, sooth the pain, etc.)

Your husband has proved to you that you were not number one before he went to live with her and now again he has told you that the unborn child is number one. *You are probably number three at best.* He is number one, the child number two, and either you or the other woman is number three.

In the long run you will be 100% better off by starting a new life without him. Let Tarzan have his monkey cheetah while you get busy living in the real world!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jane2017 said:


> It was 7 years in April.
> 
> I am finding my anger.... I was trying to really think on stuff before I decided. He's made it clear, his focus is the child, not our marriage now. I will always be second to that child.


Jane, I do not know how to get through to you or whether your self esteem is so low. Be very clear when he texted her and OW his focus was not the marriage. When he lied to you about his activities, his focus was not the marriage, when he stuck his penis in an OW his focus was not the marriage, when he has chosen to stay with her (for the baby yah right!) his focus was not the marriage, when he continues to treat you like an option his focus is not marriage, when he shows no remorse but expects you to suck it up, his focus is not the marriage!

You are only married for 7 years, which is so short, this should not be happening.

HIS FOCUS IS NOT THE MARRIAGE NOR YOU! why are you still there?


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