# Divorced 4 Months Am I a Sucker?



## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

My wife decided to end our 20 year marriage in October 2011. She moved out and we were divorced this past October. I am trying to move on, but every morning while having coffee by myself, I try to figure it out. She had strayed before, about 15 years ago. I think there may have been a couple other "one nighters and flirtations". I think she probably fell out of love with me a long time ago. Funny thing is, the best years of our marriage were 2004-2010. 

But I should tell you that she did finish an advanced degree during those years. She didn't work during those "best years". She seemed to get distant pretty fast after she got her high paying job. Of course, the career start also coincided with the kids flying the coup. I know I'm not a really warm guy. Brought up in the great white north of tough stock. But I never wanted anyone else. Maybe I'm selling myself short, and I'm just afraid of letting go. 

I had the kids over Christmas, that was good of her. Right before Christmas, however, I started receiving many emotional texts from ex about insomnia, sickness, her admitting that she divorced me too fast, and general grief about loosing "us". These texts died down right after the holidays.

My question is, was her emotional outburst just about missing the family? Or is she embarrassed that she let her feelings out? Because since that time, she has texted me that she does not want to talk to me, not even about the kids. She says it's too painful. "That she thinks of us and me everyday, how could she not?"

I guess I'm a little scared to get out there. I do hold out the hope that we will be together again someday. We were such good friends. At least it felt that way. 

Am I a sucker?

Thanks for posting any comments and advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No you are not a sucker. You spend many years with her and still love her.

Are you really interested in trying again with her?


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## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

Ele, thanks for replying. Yes and no. I'm in a different city now, and I know I have to concentrate on my career. She has emotional issues: always looking for affirmation from both men and women, bi-polar and some degree of alcohol abuse. Both those issues are in her gene pool.

I thought we had a good if not great marriage. so when she dropped the bomb I was devastated. Now, I don't know if I still love her, or if I'm just afraid of the future.

I am not contacting her unless she texts, and then my texts are pretty short. She has sent plenty of those semi-longing texts over the past two months (ending after the holidays). They don't give me much hope of reconciling, because they come in a batch and then she disappears again.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Do you think maybe she was lonely when the kids were gone? 

Maybe she was all alone and that's what made her start thinking about what she was missing out on.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Yes you are a sucker. She was screwing around and you're still pining after her. She's obviously no good for you and obviously not in the position to be in a healthy relationship. Move on and get counseling. Go to CoDA meetings too.


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## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

Rose,

As a matter of fact, that first job she got was an 2 hours out of town. I stayed in the city so my daughter could stay for her senior year in HS. My ex got a little apartment during the week in the house of a 65 year old lady that had been divorced 3 times. They became friends, and in a few months my ex would sometimes get very agitated on weekends home with the family. She thought I wasn't doing enough house stuff, but it was more than that. I think she liked the freedom. Both kids were almost raised, and she had a new career.

The next year my daughter left for college and we bought a house in her work town. A year later, she says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and that was it. 

Yeah, Ely your right. I still love her. Are there meds for that?


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## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

Coguy,

I was waiting for that. You are probably right. But can't people change for the better? I'm stronger than a year ago, but still pretty beat up.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> I had the kids over Christmas, that was good of her. Right before Christmas, however, I started receiving many emotional texts from ex about insomnia, sickness, her admitting that she divorced me too fast, and general grief about loosing "us". These texts died down right after the holidays.
> 
> My question is, was her emotional outburst just about missing the family?


This part is what makes me say maybe she was texting you because she was lonely.


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## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

Rose, for sure. She had to spend Christmas with her crazy mom. 

Yes, she was missing the family. We always had great times together. Glad that 95% percent of the child rearing was done before she took off!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> Coguy,
> 
> I was waiting for that. You are probably right. But can't people change for the better? I'm stronger than a year ago, but still pretty beat up.


This is why I waited over 2 years to actually divorce..until I was SURE I was really over my STBXH emotionally. A year ago I would've been feeling a lot like you are feeling now. Don't beat yourself up about it but realize that it is OVER and for the best. 

An unfaithful bipolar with a drinking problem isn't someone you want to spend your life pining over. Be glad it's over and move on. You WILL move on if you continue to put distance between yourself and this toxic person. 

People CAN change for the better but rarely do. Would you really want to chance it? With a woman who CHEATED on you? Has she even sought out treatment for her condition? If she REALLY is bi-polar then she will never be cured but she can be treated but many never get the right treatment and at heart she is the SAME person she was. 

My husband is currently sober and in AA. I actually find myself enjoy talking to him now that he is and it's easy to get in *that* frame of mind but I ALWAYS keep in mind that even sober, the problems we had aren't going away. We had problems long before he started drinking. Those problems never will go away and all the crap he's pulled over the last 3 years didn't help.

Over the past 2 years he asked me on more than one occasion to move back in with him and fortunately I never did. It's one decision I'm very GLAD I stuck to because it's saved me a lot of grief in the end. It helps that I like living by myself. 

Chances are your ex did indeed text you because she was lonely at the holidays. I don't think it was coincidence that my STBXH started to sober up and get "nicer" when the holidays hit and he was alone for Christmas. I think it really hit him what his life had become. I'm glad he's currently setting things right in his life but it didn't change my mind at all. In fact, the holidays were BETTER because he wasn't around to mess things up. 

Spending some holidays without your kids is the by product of divorce. Just the fact that your kids are growing into adulthood and will have lives and families of their own means you might not be with them on holidays at times over the coming years. That's why you need to figure out ways to make YOURSELF happy.

The "med" for getting over your wife that is to get a life of your own and live without her. Cut back contact with her to the barest mininum. 

Look up something called the "180" here. There are tons of threads that have it and refer to it. Let that be a blueprint for you in the coming days and weeks. Keep in mind that it's not for getting your ex back but it's for you get on with your life. 

Good luck. You aren't alone here.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Here's the 180.. IMO it doesn't matter if you are actually physically/legally divorced. The hardest part about divorce is the _emotional_ part and that applies to you. You need to divorce your ex emotionally. That's your problem. 4 months is NOT enough, especially since it happened so quickly. 

PLUS keep in mind that if/when you do implement the 180 there is a good chance that your ex will want you MORE and try and become that "best friend" that you remember and miss.

My husband did this. He sent me flowers and called me, etc. It worked for a little while but he ALWAYS reverted back. Finally, when the flowers and sweet words didn't work or matter I knew I'd finally come to the place I'd always wanted to be: I didn't WANT or NEED him in my life anymore. It's the best feeling in the world! 

May you end up in the same place. Remember, the first step in a journey is the most difficult. 

The 180:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. 

Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

180 my ass. You should completely 100% detach. No contact unless it's about kids. This woman is bad mojo. 

Btw, she was cheating on you a lot more than you knew about, you were just too naive to realize


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Does it really matter? She's gone. It's pointless to waste time conducting a psychological autopsy on her. How did you contribute to the demise of the marriage? You can improve yourself but even if you correctly diagnosed what your ex-wife's issues were, you can do nothing to correct them. Your ex must live in her own skin and pay the price for whatever decisions she has made or will make. You will have to do the same. If you kept a marriage going 20 years, you aren't a sucker. You're human, so you are imperfect. You are breathing, so there is opportunity for improvement.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

COguy said:


> 180 my ass. You should completely 100% detach. No contact unless it's about kids. This woman is bad mojo.
> 
> Btw, she was cheating on you a lot more than you knew about, you were just too naive to realize


:iagree: I completely agree. There are kids involved but fortunately they are adults but it's always good to have a guideline on HOW to go about detaching emotionally from someone you still love. The 180 is a good place to start. 

But if you can go 100% NC is what I'd advocate in this instance. You gotta start somewhere though and sitting around mooning over a bad seed isn't good in any case. 

I found that having a written guideline like the 180 was very handy. I printed it up and whenever I got the urge to "stray" I'd pull it out and re-read it. It often stopped me from making that call or text to H.

BTW, if you get the kids for Christmas then that's the time to block the Ex's texts or turn off your phone. My STBXH called at least 3x/day the two days before Christmas and when I saw it was him I sent him to voicemail. On Christmas Day I turned the phone OFF. Set some boundaries and stick to them.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Losing a marriage is difficult and we often have grief. Its the death of our marriage!

Give yourself time. There is no perfect disconnect with your ex. Some take longer than others. 

I wouldn't want to be with my ex again...he was a good husband and father. He wanted the divorce but I wouldn't want to be back together again. 

However, there are many times that I miss my family. The family times..vacations, mundane activities, working as a team to get them to their activities, etc. 

I think I will forever think of "us" fondly but realize that there is nothing to do but live my life fully, love openly, and experience that best future that I can muster.

fyi: I am remarrying in a few weeks....after dating a wonderful man for 3 years. Life goes on.


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## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

Thanks Freak, COguy, unbelievable, and Corpus. Most of us on this site are dumpees, right? We may be the stronger party, but we may also be the ones that couldn't see our faults in the marriage. 

I did/do have an addiction to porn. Our marriage councilor (only a few visits and she wouldn't go anymore) said porn is like modern day alcoholism. My ex did fight me on this sometimes, but never made it a huge issue in our marriage. I am now seeing how this addiction is seedy and harmful, and destructive. 

I am doing the 180 the best I can. It is ridiculous though, that she won't even discuss/text/email about our kids (18 and 20). Even though I still have feeling for her, I have moved on. Different City, job, hobbies, meetups (not ready for dating yet). I never initiated contact after the divorce was final, unless it was to talk about kids. 

I'm 54 years old. The best years we had, with the exception of the last two, were the later years of our marriage. She says the same. She "fell in love" with a co-worker. He's still her boyfriend. It they last, it will be an indication that she wanted something opposite of me. Totally opposite in every way.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> Thanks Freak, COguy, unbelievable, and Corpus. Most of us on this site are dumpees, right? We may be the stronger party, but we may also be the ones that couldn't see our faults in the marriage.


I know my faults. If I don't, I have my STBXH there to remind me constantly. Because anytime I bring up the things he's done he brings up MY part in it. 

But I readily admit my role. Our marriage was problematic for years and me and my actions were a BIG part in it. He probably should've and could've divorced me years ago. He certainly threatened to often enough and I certainly wanted to leave.

I didn't because I was weak, needy and I didn't want to not know my kids. I love my kids to death but I never loved parenting them and he had to take up the slack on that. 10 years later he fell down and I had to pick up for him. I think a big reason I didn't divorce him right away 2 years ago was because I needed to atone for my own sins and I tried to make things work, if only to give him a chance to put things right. He didn't and finally I could say what Papa Roach says in the song "Scars"..

*"I can't help you fix yourself
but at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life.."*

Neither of us are blameless and we both sinned. He just did it more recently, that's all. His actions were the proverbial straw and now that my kids are older it's time to end it. 

For years, it was my DREAM to leave. 10 years ago I remember posting on a different forum that when my kids were 18 I was out of the marriage for good. I'm still posting and planning for that almost 10 years later. 

I never should've gotten married. Period. It's not for me and never was. Living alone the past 2 years has confirmed that. I will never get married or live with someone again not because I'm hurt or feeling rejected but because now that I'm single, I'm HAPPIER now then I've ever been. That's all the confirmation that I need. 



> porn is like modern day alcoholism. My ex did fight me on this sometimes, but never made it a huge issue in our marriage. I am now seeing how this addiction is seedy and harmful, and destructive.


ANY addiction is bad, be it drinking, shopping, porn, work or racing your 1990 Mustang GT on the track (that was my addiction). Too much of anything is just that...too much. Life is about balancing things properly. A good marriage is about balance and that's the trick, isn't it? 



> I am doing the 180 the best I can. It is ridiculous though, that she won't even discuss/text/email about our kids (18 and 20).


At 18 and 20 your "kids" are adults..or at least they should be. You don't HAVE to discuss ANYTHING with her. You shouldn't. COguy is right about this. If you want to see your kids then talk to THEM. 

My 18 year old daughter wants NOTHING to do with her father. I never discuss anything with him about her except to tell him that he can't come into my apartment when she's home because it upsets her. I deal directly with HER. She's an adult child and I treat her as such. 

With my 15 it's different. He's a minor and my STBXH and I have to coparent him for now. That's an entirely different situation. 

But your ADULT children can and should decide on their own who and how they want to spend holidays with. There doesn't need to be ANY conversations, texts or emails between you and your wife about this. THEY should make all the decisions and inform each of you separately and you both need to respect their decisions and work WITH them. 

The hardest part that parents seem to have with their adult children is when to STOP being so hands on when it comes to being parents. Let the kids make their OWN decisions already and get yourself OUT of the loop. 

So you have NO excuse or reason to text, email or talk to your wife. 



> Even though I still have feeling for her, I have moved on. Different City, job, hobbies, meetups (not ready for dating yet). I never initiated contact after the divorce was final, unless it was to talk about kids.


Again, no reason to talk about the kids to her. Talk to your KIDS as adults. Yes, you have moved on, but not emotionally. You need to work on that and that means you must cut off contact. You have no need to have any. Consider yourself lucky.

The 180 is designed to give you a blueprint on how to act provided you still have contact with your ex. You don't HAVE to have contact so you are good. I wish I was in that situation myself. I liked it better when I didn't have to talk to my H for weeks. Now that he's sober, and my son wants to see him and he is able to coparent and we have to work out the divorce settlement it's much harder to stay focused on moving on emotionally but it's something I MUST to and I do it. 



> I'm 54 years old. The best years we had, with the exception of the last two, were the later years of our marriage. She says the same. She "fell in love" with a co-worker. He's still her boyfriend. It they last, it will be an indication that she wanted something opposite of me. Totally opposite in every way.


If they were indeed the best years she wouldn't have "fallen in love" with someone else. There was something up. That a line she's thrown you. 

I was in the same situation. In 2008 my H and I made an effort to reconcile. For almost 2 years I thought we had a great time..the best times of our marriage. We had problems but I thought they were workable. Then he started drinking and soon it all fell apart. In the span of one short year our 20+ year marriage was history. 

However for most of it, our marriage was pretty bad. 2 good years in 24 is a pretty piss poor record. It proves my point about never having gotten married in the first place. I lay that blame squarely at my doorstep. I should NOT have gotten married to ANYONE. He ended it badly but I never should've gone there to begin with. 

So, we are now getting divorced. Remember: *The worst mistake you can make is the one you don't learn from.* Move on and learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them. But don't beat yourself up over them either.


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## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

Freak, thanks.

I know you and COguy are right. And you are right about moving on with no contact. The kids are adults, and they can make there own decisions about spending time, etc. Actually, I have been feeling pretty good for weeks, but I had a panic attack this weekend. Hence the post.

I know my life can be new and exciting. Living in a large city again is giving me lots of opportunities to meet like minded people. Just went to a meetup and had a great time! 

I suppose I am also putting on rose colored glasses about how good my marriage was. Who wants to admit they entered into a long term disaster? My ex found out she was pregnant on our honeymoon. I'll bet the marriage wouldn't have lasted if we had been more careful.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> Rose,
> 
> As a matter of fact, that first job she got was an 2 hours out of town. I stayed in the city so my daughter could stay for her senior year in HS. My ex got a little apartment during the week in the house of a 65 year old lady that had been divorced 3 times. They became friends, and in a few months my ex would sometimes get very agitated on weekends home with the family. She thought I wasn't doing enough house stuff, but it was more than that. I think she liked the freedom. Both kids were almost raised, and she had a new career.
> 
> ...


The best meds for stopping to love someone is time and finding someone new.

Have you started to date yet?

What's your social life like?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> Thanks Freak, COguy, unbelievable, and Corpus. Most of us on this site are dumpees, right? We may be the stronger party, but we may also be the ones that couldn't see our faults in the marriage.


No, the problem with guys like you (and like me at the time), is that you accept the bulk of the problem when it wasn't yours.

You had a porn problem, OK, that's something you work on and work through (many guys have a porn problem, it's much more common to have porn issues than not). However, she f*cking cheated on you!! She lied about it too, the ILYBNILWY speech at the end is the icing on the cake. She was living apart with a toxic friend, probably f*cking her brains out while you were at home with the kids, and instead, YOU are feeling guilty about what you could have done to make the relationship better.

Don't accept that. This chick is a disease and I'm sure you did the majority of the heavy lifting in the marriage. Accept the things that you could have done better, everyone has those in marriage, and work on them. But don't waste one single breath wishing this cancer was back in your life. You can do much better...


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> My ex found out she was pregnant on our honeymoon. I'll bet the marriage wouldn't have lasted if we had been more careful.


You 100% sure they are yours?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> The best meds for stopping to love someone is time and finding someone new.
> 
> Have you started to date yet?
> 
> What's your social life like?


Give it time. Don't date until you are actually OVER your wife. You can't properly give of yourself or love someone else if you are still thinking about or mourning the loss of your marriage. 

It took me over 2 years to get to the point where I'm over my STBXH. Now that he's sober and being NICE it's harder than when he was being a jerk but I keep reminding myself that while we can be friendly, cordial and coparent our son effectively we CAN NOT be like married people or even sociable friends. I tried that route and it didn't work. I found myself falling back into old ways of thinking/feeling. 

This Valentine's Day there's a band that we both like (especially him) playing at his favorite bar. I briefly thought about asking him to go out to see it. But almost immediately I wrote off that idea. 

1. He's an alcoholic. You DO NOT ask an alcoholic to a bar. It wouldn't be fair of me to do that. Once upon a time I would've. Now I won't.

2. It's something we did when we were married. We aren't married anymore and we can't act like we are. I will have my friends and he'll have his. It's the way we have to be if we are going to be separated emotionally as well as physically. 

You can NOT have your cake and eat it too. 

So my advice is that you get over your wife first..then, when you are ready and not starting threads like this one, start thinking about finding someone else if you so desire.


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## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeah, I'm so glad I'm 3 hours away from her. If she was in the same town, I would be an even bigger basket case. It must be hard for you knowing that he still wants you on some level. My wife truly wants nothing to do with me. Painful as that is, the other way could be a slower bleed. 

I'm doing a lot of meet-up groups. Sampling everything out there. So far I'll go back to one of three. My city is great for that stuff, there are hundreds of free clubs to join. something for everyone.

I am definitely not ready to date! I seem to get a crush on every woman I meet. Young, old, married, single, doesn't matter. Helps the libido a bit, but I'm obviously running in all directions with no compass.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> It must be hard for you knowing that he still wants you on some level.


No, it's not that hard because I'm truly happy and content to be on my own and not living with him. He comes in handy to have around. Today for example he helped me with my work truck when there was a problem that was keeping me from doing my job. He saved me a lot of aggravation and trouble. I told him that was why we needed to remain friends...because we really need to be there for each other and our kids. I was friends with my H for nine years before we got married and hope we can remain friends even though divorcing. I think it's very possible if he stays on course with being sober. 

But I have no desire to remain married to him. I don't think I could ever fully trust him after all that he's pulled. He has issues with me too. It's better this way. 

He's never going to be the way I want him to be as a husband. As a friend it may work because you don't make the same kind of demands or have the same expectations that you do from a spouse. 




> I'm doing a lot of meet-up groups. Sampling everything out there. So far I'll go back to one of three. My city is great for that stuff, there are hundreds of free clubs to join. something for everyone.


Meetup is like a big buffet. A little something for everyone it seems. I really enjoy the concept. :smthumbup: You do have to be flexible and take it as it comes. I've been to great events, some so-so and others not so great. It's a good way to keep busy in any case. 




> I am definitely not ready to date! I seem to get a crush on every woman I meet. Young, old, married, single, doesn't matter. Helps the libido a bit, but I'm obviously running in all directions with no compass.


Chill out and enjoy your own company. After my little "episode" I've decided that my plate is full and I'd just as soon not look to date but just enjoy my freedom and keep my options open. 

It's funny..I don't meet anyone whom I'm turned on to or physically attracted to at events. I thought that one guy was nice enough to hang with and we had some common interests. But I wasn't all that turned on by him physically so I don't know how far it would've gone.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

COguy said:


> *No, the problem with guys like you (and like me at the time), is that you accept the bulk of the problem when it wasn't yours.
> 
> You had a porn problem, OK, that's something you work on and work through (many guys have a porn problem, it's much more common to have porn issues than not). However, she f*cking cheated on you!! She lied about it too, the ILYBNILWY speech at the end is the icing on the cake. She was living apart with a toxic friend, probably f*cking her brains out while you were at home with the kids, and instead, YOU are feeling guilty about what you could have done to make the relationship better.
> 
> Don't accept that. This chick is a disease and I'm sure you did the majority of the heavy lifting in the marriage. Accept the things that you could have done better, everyone has those in marriage, and work on them. But don't waste one single breath wishing this cancer was back in your life. You can do much better...*


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


Read this till you by heart it.
Why you are not ready for dating? Is it because you are afraid that if she finds she wont come back to you?

Stop wallowing in the past and move on with your life with a nice new chick by your side.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Stop wallowing in the past and move on with your life with a nice new chick by your side.


I agree with the part about not wallowing in the past and moving on but I'd hold off on the chick until you are truly over your ex wife and feel good about yourself and your life without your ex. 

Rushing into ANOTHER relationship is NOT The way to heal. Becoming confident, content and happy on your own is. There's nothing wrong with taking time to find youself and make yourself happy. You need to fall OUT of love and no longer need to be your Ex. Only then can you give of yourself to another. 

And there's nothing wrong with being alone. Why is that such a crime? Why this obession with running out and finding someone else?  

People spend so much time being miserable in a relationship, then they go through the pain and expense of ending it, only to jump right back into another...What's up with that? 

I just can't understand that mentality. :scratchhead:


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