# Husband's Addiction -- Just need to get this off my chest



## newlymarried87

Sigh. This is one of those things where once you talk to a friend they never look at your husband the same. I am contemplating going to a therapist but really he won't go to couple's therapy, or any therapy for that matter, so it would be alone where someone would just ask me questions and really I just need to vent. Here is the background information and then the issues.

I have been married for almost a year. We were together for 3 years before we were married. We are both young professionals. He had been working for the 2 years prior to our marriage and I was in school finishing my law degree. We moved to a new city for my job (he knew this would happen once we started dating) a week before we were married. I do a pretty good job (or so I think) of not bringing my work home, but one of the issues is, I am never home because the hours are pretty crazy. 

About 6 months before we were married his manager at work was fired for stealing who he was extremely close with. She was his mentor and he got into a funk after this and never really recovered. About 3.5 months before the wedding he was numb. No feelings, no nothing. Didn't care about moving to a new city because he didn't care about his friends, hobbies or anything. I am not that emotional of a person and I am pretty hands off but I was constantly upset at his indifference to everything. About a month before the wedding, after my pleadings and tears cried by me, I convinced him to go to the doctor where he was diagnosed with depression and given medication. He bounced back literally a week before the wedding and in September went off the meds (his own decision and he's a pharmacist so he thinks he knows best). Being so busy at work I thought he might be getting depressed again but he gets withdrawn and quiet if I badger him too much about it. So like an idiot, I left it alone and let the problem grow. I also think that because he is smart and objective and can come to conclusions on his own without my interference. 

By November he seemed different and he said he missed his friends. **** started going downhill in January. I thought he was bipolar because he would either love me and couldn't stop saying sweet things (very very unusual for him, he is a man of little words) or would be numb, withdrawn and cranky (super unusual for him). I would try to talk to him about it but to no avail. 

In March he seemed depressed again and I kept asking him what he wanted to do and if he thought he was depressed. He kept saying he was fine and it was the city he was in and missing his friends. Well on a Sunday night when I was working about a month ago, I went for dinner with him and he dropped the bomb. He has been addicted to cocaine and using it daily since November. He had stopped for about 2 weeks when he told me. It explained the highs and lows. Obviously there is a ton of distrust now. I tried to talk to him about it and be supportive and have us go to couple's therapy but he refuses. To boot he used to recreationally smoke weed and starting about 9 months ago started using it daily. I didn't say anything but I think he is medicating with marijuana now too to avoid dealing with real issues (he flat out denies he is using it to alter his mood) and he gets angry and tells me he will never stop using it. Anyways, he won't talk when he is sober and will only listen when he is high and then can't remember anything. He doesn't see the weed as a problem. I look at him and see a pathetic shell of a man and feel ashamed that this is the individual I chose to marry. I have tried to be supportive of his mental health issues but to have someone who won't budge and doesn't give a **** about how they make you feel is tearing me up inside. I am super type A and an overachiever so nothing scares me more than failure, but how can I salvage this? How does a person ever start a family with an addict who lied? When he initially told me about his addiction, I tried to tell him how it made me feel and he became angry and basically said I shouldn't work so much and it wasn't my time to talk. Really he blamed me because I was never around and he has no friends here so that's why he used drugs. Given that I have never smoked weed or done illicit drugs in my life, I was pretty shocked that this is the accusation he would make. 

Now a month later I think we need to talk about solutions going forward to prevent this and deal with the addiction. He refuses and thinks he is over the coke addiction. I am just at wits end and look at him and think I would be happy if he just disappeared. He went back to our old city this weekend and it was the first time in a month I felt normal because I woke up without a mental mess next to me. I just feel so alone and feel like I can't talk to anyone about my marital problems because of the drug addiction. It's severely affecting my performance at work and permeating all other aspects of my personal life. I am just happy we don't have children. Has anyone dealt with something similar or have any suggestions? Talking to an addict is a new experience for me.


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## southernsurf

The cocaine induces psychosis and pot cycles depression so that explains the behaviors. A pharmacist addict around drugs is a bad combination. Unfortunately the coke addict won’t admit anything until he’s hit the bottom and that usually means a life crisis. You could accelerate that by telling him and showing you are leaving and see how he responds. Sounds like you are on the fence, do you want to help him – it could take a few years to get completely sober and back on tract – or are you leaning toward starting anew? Worried you don’t have as much in common as you thought. Once he admits the problem one way to change an addict is replace the drug habit with another good habit like running and exercise.


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## wiigirl

I would seek counseling for you and him to address these issues.


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## rcgray60

*Husband's Addiction*

i need to talk to someone before anything happen i been marry to my spouse for 6 years not going it was good times verse the bad times. a thte beginning it was good moment, but seem like it had got worse over time in the 5 year of marriage, he has been locked up most of the time this the only time he has been out for a whole year, he has took things from me and from the household, he is doing coc. didnt know it was this bad. he had got into some money, told everyone what he was going to do gave his dad what he owe and then he gave me a cashier check whihc i deposit into my account. but in the back of my mind i decided i was going to do anything with it cause i feel that he was going to ask for it back after he ran out money. one of things was we was suppose to go on a trip for our anniversary when july 6 came around no anniversary trip so i decided on myself that i was going to stay away didnt want to hear that nonsense he was talking about he had normal good jobs but he never stay on them long cause he decided he will steal from them last year around july 2012 he had got shot a bunch of times and now he cant even do normal job duties that normal ppl do so he still take things out of the house.he had got violent in the last few weeks i had decided from myself that im going to take my ownself on a trip cause he dont do anything for me dont care what he do with his live. now he want me to forgive him right now deep inside of my heart i dont feel no love for him at all cause he has tore my heart into pieces and scattered it all over into pieces see right now i just waiting til my lease is up so i can move on any advice will help


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## Acoa

You can't reason with an addict. Set some boundaries and consequences for breaking them. Then follow through when the boundary is broken. Notice I say when, not if. The boundary will be broken, so set consequences you can live with and not back down on.

You could start easy just demanding he go to marriage counseling with you. Consequences of him not agreeing are up to you. I can give you a couple of suggestions. 

Who handles the money? If you can gain control over the finances you could point to his lack of communication and fear of his escalating drug use to be more controlling of the funds.

You can kick him out of the house. He may not want to leave, but if he has pot, just report him to the police if he won't leave. This is a good consequence for telling him he needs to keep drugs out of your house.


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## rcgray60

Acoa said:


> You can't reason with an addict. Set some boundaries and consequences for breaking them. Then follow through when the boundary is broken. Notice I say when, not if. The boundary will be broken, so set consequences you can live with and not back down on.
> 
> You could start easy just demanding he go to marriage counseling with you. Consequences of him not agreeing are up to you. I can give you a couple of suggestions.
> 
> Who handles the money? If you can gain control over the finances you could point to his lack of communication and fear of his escalating drug use to be more controlling of the funds.
> 
> You can kick him out of the house. He may not want to leave, but if he has pot, just report him to the police if he won't leave. This is a good consequence for telling him he needs to keep drugs out of your house.


he kinded change cause the drugs has taken over him and he dont realize that, but when he run out of money he be wanting his money back that he gave to me so i dont know what else to do. he is also a violent person, i had told him, more than once that i am very terrify of him, then he tell me you not to scarce of me, cause i had took all the serial number off of all the tvs in the house so he couldnt pawn them he try to take it to the pawn shop and pawn the tvs and they wouldnt cause it was no serial number he think i need to forgive him for what he did, he even took my rings and took them to the pawn shop probably and pawn them i believe that is the lowest blow any advice please


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