# Living in separate houses?



## Johnnyblastoff (Mar 17, 2014)

I'm reading a book that discusses something called, Living Apart Together, where married couples choose to live in separate houses, sometimes separate states, and even separate countries. They talk on a regular basis and see each other periodically, and are apparently very happy. Could you foresee yourself ever willingly and successfully doing this with your spouse? And why or why not?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No. To me, there's very little point to committing to a monogamous relationship without intimacy. Even separate bedrooms would be a stretch. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PBear said:


> No. To me, there's very little point to committing to a monogamous relationship without intimacy. Even separate bedrooms would be a stretch.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: :iagree:


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Why be married then? Sounds like the relationship I have with my old high school friends. Talk on the phone and see each other once or twice a year.


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## Johnnyblastoff (Mar 17, 2014)

I find it pretty tough to see myself doing either, however it is popular enough to be something studied by sociologists and have a label attached to it. From the cases I've read about the people seem happy, but as with anything, I'm sure there are examples of the opposite as well.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

No thanks. I have plenty of people who live In other houses who I speak to frequently. They are called friends. I don't even agree with some couple now wanting separate bedrooms


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Johnnyblastoff said:


> I find it pretty tough to see myself doing either, however it is popular enough to be something studied by sociologists and have a label attached to it. From the cases I've read about the people seem happy, but as with anything, I'm sure there are examples of the opposite as well.


What are they "happy" about? 

C


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## Johnnyblastoff (Mar 17, 2014)

A few of them the book mentions are older so maybe that makes sense from a physical aspect. However, a few others are younger. And some of them make compelling points. In fact, I did some more research on it after I read about it in the book, and many of the couples who do it, don't understand why couples would want to live together. They talk about how the courtship process is them most exiting, how that does not grow stagnant. They talk about how in marriage, the couples sex life can grow dull, something that never happens with them. I can definitely understand the anticipation factor, and it certainty would help you not take your spouse for granted as we can sometimes do. And most of them see each other frequently. They just have separate quarters so to speak. Those who have lived with previously ex's cite the enhanced appreciation that comes with the living separately, but still being very much in love. There are apparently almost four million couples in the United States that do it.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

There are situations that require a married couple to live apart for prolonged periods (military deployments, merchant navy, deep sea fisherman, ice road trucker etc) and if that is what it takes financially to support your family then just try and make the most of your time together.

Why any couple would chose to live apart if they have a opportunity to live together is hard to fathom.


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## gettingout (Jan 15, 2013)

My STBXH kept mentioning this as his ideal in the beginning to middle part of our marriage - I should have paid attention....he really didn't want to be married after all.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

Johnnyblastoff said:


> A few of them the book mentions are older so maybe that makes sense from a physical aspect. However, a few others are younger. And some of them make compelling points. In fact, I did some more research on it after I read about it in the book, and many of the couples who do it, don't understand why couples would want to live together. They talk about how the courtship process is them most exiting, how that does not grow stagnant. They talk about how in marriage, the couples sex life can grow dull, something that never happens with them. I can definitely understand the anticipation factor, and it certainty would help you not take your spouse for granted as we can sometimes do. And most of them see each other frequently. They just have separate quarters so to speak. Those who have lived with previously ex's cite the enhanced appreciation that comes with the living separately, but still being very much in love. There are apparently almost four million couples in the United States that do it.


I don't think this is a new phenomenon. It used to be called dating. 

When you are dating, you usually live in separate homes. Things are exciting most of the time, and you don't tend to take each other for granted as easily.

Marriage is a contract. If you want to continue this dating lifestyle, but enter into a business contract to secure tax benefits, and pronounce your commitment to one another, then I think it's a good way to go.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. We are basically living together apart except we are not married. It's a great arrangement. We both have kids and we are able to spend quality time with our respective kids and then come together on certain days during the week and weekends. Our lives are not burdened with discussions about resentment about who does more housework, and we have our independence on the days we don't see each other, and we have our fun when we are together. We talk more than probably most married people do, if the threads on this board are any indication. We email each other throughout the work day and then he always calls me at night to talk for about a half an hour. We look forward to seeing each other. We are loving toward each other. We are monogamous and we are committed to each other. It's a great arrangement. 

We are planning on living together some day and even marrying, but there is no rush. Probably I'll wait until my kids are in college or over 16 since I read that living together/remarrying will affect them less when they are either under 10 or over 16. 

My wise married relatives who have been married for decades tell me that sometimes, the dating period is the best and most exciting period. Why not prolong it? Living together apart is like having your cake and eating it too for people in my situation. I have a loving steady committed relationship with all the emotional intimacy that I didn't have when I was married, and I get to have my freedom when I want it so that I can concentrate on my children.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

loveadvice said:


> I don't think this is a new phenomenon. It used to be called dating.
> 
> When you are dating, you usually live in separate homes. Things are exciting most of the time, and you don't tend to take each other for granted as easily.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I don't see myself doing a LAT while being married though... but in the case of me and my gf, yep, it's the best scenario possible right now.

No routine traps, quality time alone, together and with the kids, sex and companionship are only 30 minutes away, etc.

Best of both worlds if you ask me.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think it's great when people do what they need to do in order to make the relationship work. I wouldn't be able to live that lifestyle. I need my husband with me every night. My life wouldn't be bright at all without his presence in our home every single day.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I think it's great when people do what they need to do in order to make the relationship work. I wouldn't be able to live that lifestyle. I need my husband with me every night. My life wouldn't be bright at all without his presence in our home every single day.


:iagree: Even now, years later, I still really miss him when he travels for work, even short trips of 2 or 3 nights.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> No thanks. I have plenty of people who live In other houses who I speak to frequently.* They are called friends. * I don't even agree with some couple now wanting separate bedrooms


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Next month will make two years that dh and I have lived apart. He took a job in another state, in a city 6 hours away, because it was just a great fit for him. We didn't want to sell our house near a major American city, and would have lost a lot of money. So we have been living apart.

I am getting sick of it. I miss dh. Because he travels internationally in addition to living in a different city, I often only get a few minutes a day to talk to him. 

Today he called me from Slovakia and said he was going to bed in a few minutes. Gosh, I was upset about that. So he delayed his bedtime , and we talked for 10 minutes or so. We are so far from the MB ideal of 15 hours alone a week it isn't even funny. But we are committed to the marriage, so we will just hang in there, no matter what.

Dh has a chance at an international assignment at the end of the year. If he gets it, we will be able to live together again. If not, I think we are going to have to rethink this whole job thing. I don't want to spend the next 20 years seeing dh 6-8 days a month, no matter how much he likes his job.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I wouldn't say happy but it is workable. For instance my blushing bride says she can't sleep unless a few bright lights are on, the TV's on and it's above 77 degrees. Fair enough - knock yourself out. Which is why she spends all nights and most days in what we call 'the mommie house'. Which is another building.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Johnnyblastoff said:


> I'm reading a book that discusses something called, Living Apart Together, where married couples choose to live in separate houses, sometimes separate states, and even separate countries. They talk on a regular basis and see each other periodically, and are apparently very happy. Could you foresee yourself ever willingly and successfully doing this with your spouse? And why or why not?


My husband and I are currently “living together apart” approximately 30 miles from each other in a large metropolitan area. Our marriage is dead and he has given no indication of desiring to work on the marriage with me so I moved out. I live alone in a new residence and he remains in the home in which we raised our DD20.

We agreed that it made financial sense for us to “live together apart” rather than divorce at this time because we have jointly owned businesses that cannot be sold at this time without adversely affecting our employees. Neither of us can afford to “buy the other out” in regard to the businesses and rewriting the corporate ownership papers to reflect our separate ownership would cost a small fortune in legal fees.

This is a recent arrangement but for me it has brought peace into my life and that is what I sorely needed.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Johnnyblastoff said:


> I'm reading a book that discusses something called, Living Apart Together, where married couples choose to live in separate houses, sometimes separate states, and even separate countries. They talk on a regular basis and see each other periodically, and are apparently very happy. Could you foresee yourself ever willingly and successfully doing this with your spouse? And why or why not?


YES! but I don't plan on ever marrying again. I would love this type of relationship with a long term boyfriend. I would want him to live close by thou because I don't like to drive. Walking distance would be nice- then I could get exercise and see my boyfriend.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I could see this type of relationship working perfectly for unmarried couples. I especially applaud the posters who are taking their kids into consideration in living apart.

As for husbands/wives, hey if it works for them fine. It would NEVER work for me and my husband. One of my favorite times of the day is snuggling up against him when we go to bed and getting caresses in the middle of the night. And now that baby no longer does a middle of the night feeding, I'm back to liking sex in the middle of the night too. (Sex AND nursing in the middle of the night just didn't work for me).

Wish he wasn't traveling for the rest of this week AND next


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

All the downsides of being married with none of the benefits?

Duh.

No.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

marduk said:


> All the downsides of being married with none of the benefits?
> 
> Duh.
> 
> No.


That's how I would see it too. I'm the 95% earner in our family so I would see it as....I have all the financial responsibility, I have to remain monogamous, and I sleep alone. No thanks.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

All the couples I've read about that choose this lifestyle are dual income and each finances their own living space. 

Plus, many people sleep alone with their spouse in the same bed. At least this way they can hog all the covers


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

My SIL and her husband each have a house. This is their second marriages and each had a home when they married. SIL did not want to get rid of her home as it is a family home and the same for my BIL; so, he stays at his house during the week and spends the weekends at her house. One reason this works for them is, she works during the day and he at night, so she wouldn't see him very much during the week even if they lived together full time. It's working for them. It would never work for me, but I guess it does for some people. Doesn't really seem like a marriage though.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

karole said:


> My SIL and her husband each have a house. This is their second marriages and each had a home when they married. SIL did not want to get rid of her home as it is a family home and the same for my BIL; so, he stays at his house during the week and spends the weekends at her house. One reason this works for them is, she works during the day and he at night, so she wouldn't see him very much during the week even if they lived together full time. It's working for them. It would never work for me, but I guess it does for some people. Doesn't really seem like a marriage though.


I knew people like that.

We never could figure out why they had a good marriage but were essentially only married on the weekend.

Turns out they were swingers.

Only lasted for a few years though, she found out he was serious with one girl and was essentially living with her during the week and he found out she was boffing 5 different guys every week (think about that -- that's 250 guys a year!).

I'm not saying that's what's happening here, just a story that it reminded me of.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> All the couples I've read about that choose this lifestyle are dual income and each finances their own living space.
> 
> Plus, many people sleep alone with their spouse in the same bed.


Yup, this is our situation.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Isn't that called, "separation"? It doesn't work long, usually.


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