# Need a man input regarding my own...and porn



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

If your wife was standing in front of you wanting sex but she was also standing next to your computer screen where porn is just a click away...what do you choose? 

Yes this is a serious question...

Mine chooses porn and I swear only sex with me to get me to shut up. 

I am 5'10, curvy and have had two babies...so yes I am not the college chick you will find in porno movies. But I am real and I am pretty and I like sex.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Wow. No offense, but your husband is messed up. On behalf of us guys who would love a desiring wife over phony porn anyday, I am sorry!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Wow I agree with the above poster! Has he always been like this, or did it change somewhere along the way?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Since I was pregnant and started showing...but also since he has cheated on me and I stayed with him anyway. This was all about a year ago.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> When women call themselves "curvy" that is almost always a euphemism for putting on some extra weight.
> 
> Why do you feel the need to start two threads asking the same question?


Moderator moved mine and told me to rephrase...mine is a marriage question not a social one.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I was gonna ask some tough questions in your other thread about if you put on weight or if nag him at home alot.
> 
> When women call themselves "curvy" that is almost always a euphemism for putting on some extra weight.
> 
> ...


I am the same weight as when we met...a little less..but I did just have his baby a few months ago, so I am softer in some areas. But I work out and walk 2 miles a day. The effort is there. 

It doesn't help the girl he cheated on me with was 22 (10 years younger than myself)...I question if he compares me to her on a daily basis.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

No, I don't nag. 

I get pissed off and tell him that when he watched porn over having sex with me. Or if I feel he did something crossing the boundaries since he has been unfaithful before. 

I do everything in the house, I take care of the kids. 

The man should want for nothing except more money...we don't have a lot of that. Otherwise, he gets an abundance of attention from me.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I was gonna ask some tough questions in your other thread about if you put on weight or if nag him at home alot.
> 
> When women call themselves "curvy" that is almost always a euphemism for putting on some extra weight.
> 
> ...


The thread, as originally posed, could easily be mistaken as one that is not a marriage and relationship question, but an open poll of sexual interests of men. I asked the OP to rephrase and repost in a format that complies with site rules regarding content outside of the Sex and Marriage section.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Sounds like instead of dealing with the issues at hand, cheating, etc, he is emotionally disconnecting and physically, and pouring his energy into the porn. Sounds like an escape to not deal with the issues. You will more than likely have to try and get him to notice the seriousness of it all. Something dramatic will likely need to happen.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

lisab0105 said:


> No, I don't nag.
> 
> I get pissed off and tell him that when he watched porn over having sex with me. Or if I feel he did something crossing the boundaries since he has been unfaithful before.
> 
> ...


IMO he is taking you for granted. Time for boundaries to be in place with the porn too. If he crosses those, then an ultimatium should be issued, one that you can follow through on if need be. 

I'm sure you feel punished for something you didn't even do. If he isn't willing to meet you half way then you need to ask yourself why are still there and is this how you want the rest of your life to be.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I agree with unhappy.

I was going to post something in reply but his last response is absolutely correct. There is a fundamental issue that's causing it...look at the cheating.


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

it's not you. it's him. porn is his problem. he will deny that it's a problem, all his friends do it. but do they neglect their wives in the process. if he's trading that for you, there's a problem. you need to make sure you make him get that. tell him how you feel. tell him what you will and will not put up with. for him, it's EASIER to please the girl on the internet. that's all in his head. loving his real wife is too much like work.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

I like porn, been into porn for a long time, I just do not understand guys like this. My therapist said he had a group of ten guys coming in every week that would rather jerk off at their computer than have sex with their wife. I just dont get it, jerk off to a computer monitor or have actual sex, no comparison.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Yeah, porn is not the real issue here...


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

I'd choose the " real deal " any day !!! If the Mrs isn't available then fine and understandable but hellooooo to be intimate with someone and to hear or see the pleasure being given to her ........... that is by far much , much more exciting than anything one can see on tv/computer IMHO !!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

He needs help ...



> *Some Resources where others can relate & offer help :*
> 
> Porn Addiction Message Board ..... Through The Flame forums
> 
> Sex / Pornography Addiction Forum


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## Tomlongisland (Feb 4, 2013)

Hey,

I was a guy that watched alot of porn and cheated on wife. The porn really got in the way of the relationship and encouraged the cheating. There will always be a hot body on a porn site that can get you off and if you have thought about 'exploring' sexually you will want to do it more. I did confess about the cheating and the first thing I did was not go on to porn sites. Thankfully marriage was saved. Saw a therapist but at the end of the day the thing that saved the marriage was my wife's ability to forgive and my desire to get closer to wife and get the inhibitors to it out of my mind. He needs to get his act together


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Tomlongisland said:


> Hey,
> 
> I was a guy that watched alot of porn and cheated on wife. The porn really got in the way of the relationship and encouraged the cheating. There will always be a hot body on a porn site that can get you off and if you have thought about 'exploring' sexually you will want to do it more. I did confess about the cheating and the first thing I did was not go on to porn sites. Thankfully marriage was saved. Saw a therapist but at the end of the day the thing that saved the marriage was my wife's ability to forgive and my desire to get closer to wife and get the inhibitors to it out of my mind. He needs to get his act together


Thank you!! I know for some porn isn't a problem, but for my guy it is absolutely fueling his fire to cheat. And I'm just not ready to give up on him yet. So can I ask, Tom...how did the cheating occur and your wife deal with it all? How were two and mainly you able to work through the cheating and deal with the porn habit so that neither are an issue anymore? How do I make him understand what you figured out for yourself? you said you stopped the porn, but was it hard? Did you feel like you were giving up something important?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> If your wife was standing in front of you wanting sex but she was also standing next to your computer screen where porn is just a click away...what do you choose?
> 
> Yes this is a serious question...
> 
> ...



I don't understand that. I'll never understand that. The comparison between porn and real, pretty and wanting sex is like chewing gum versus Thanksgiving dinner. I read posts like this and feel like breaking something


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> Thank you!! I know for some porn isn't a problem, but for my guy it is absolutely fueling his fire to cheat. And I'm just not ready to give up on him yet.


Lisa, I am sorry for the anguish you are going through. My opinion is your husband is an idiot.

Though you didn't ask specifically for input on his past affair, how has that been handled?

For perspective, I'm a 52 yr old male, married 30 years. Like all men I enjoy visual stimulation including some porn.

I would choose my wife _any time_ over _any_ porn! And as unbelievable as it may seem, when I view porn I am not fantasizing me being with the specific woman in the scene. I am either thinking of it as just the physical sensations or fantasizing it being me with my wife doing what I am watching. I have no idea if this is true with other men or if they are in their minds cheating with the actress.

I don't think porn is the root of your husband's issues but it is fueling his dysfunctions. You could install either blocking software on the computers in the home or some kind of blocking on your router. This is like throwing away a drinker's bottle if he is addicted, and he will likely get angry and try to find other venues. It will definitely stir things up and possibly get him to see the seriousness of the situation.

Also, the sex is not your problem. It is the symptom of all the dysfunction. What is missing for you is probably the emotional intimacy and the feeling of being loved, wanted, respected, and valued. 

You wrote about your body image, so I think you are feeling unattractive or worried that you are not attractive to him. I can't speak for all men, but in my case I still find my wife as sexy today as she was when we met in college. At times she was a few pounds heavier but she never became un-attractive to me.

Chasing him btw is not going to work. You devalue yourself in his eyes if you appear to be needy or begging for attention.

You are a good person to not give up on him yet. But you do need to have serious boundaries which you are willing to enforce. Those include no porn and no affairs. So there must be transparency in all his electronics. I believe some kind of condition that he attend IC and MC is called for. 

The consequences should include divorce as a real possibility. You must be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. I speak from 30 years of failure! He needs to know to his core you will not tolerate certain things, and that means divorce is a reality.

For now I think some form of quid pro quo bargaining might be a good start. Reward & Punishment, or Carrot & Stick. You have to tell him what you are doing. Don't do this without explanation.

Since he is choosing to withdraw from the marriage you are choosing to stop all services to him. You want to have a close loving fun relationship with your spouse. You want to work _with_ him in a positive way to build that great marriage. When he fails to participate you will likewise choose to withhold your services.

For example, don't do his laundry. Don't make his side of the bed. Don't feed him. Don't wash his dishes. Don't gas up his car if you drive it. Don't hold his hand, hug him, or sit close to him on the couch.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm of the opinion porn is more often a symptom than a cause. It's easy, it doesn't require any kind of emotional investment, and there's no chance of rejection or failure. There are a variety of reasons a person might turn to porn rather than their partner. 

When it becomes a problem in a relationship I think it behooves the person watching the porn to refrain from it for a while and address the issues driving the compulsion to watch it rather than relate to their partner. To do otherwise puts your relationship in jeopardy.


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## hotshot (Feb 5, 2013)

Some of your questions bother me a little. It sounds like you want to fix him. You cannot fix him, only he can do that. What you can do is fix yourself and not allow him to take you down with him. I believe what others have said is true, you need to set definite hard boundaries with him and not give in. If he does not or will not comply then he must go. My wife does not like porn at all, and we discussed this before we got married, so I do not use it when home. Unfortunately for us, I work away from home and do not get to see her for weeks at a time, so I do use some porn for personal reasons. She is aware of this and does not mind, she knows I have needs as does she, we just handle them needs a little differently.The live cams and that sort of thing is definitely out, you might just as well have sex with someone as to get involved with that. I would never expect my wife to view or put up with me viewing porn in front of her. Like other men have said also, why would any man prefer porn over the real thing, especially when the person is more than willing? Even now when I do use porn, I have to remind myself why I am using it, because it can very easily draw me in. All this new stuff out there is very tempting. If my wife asked me not to use it even away from her, I would not use it, because if it is damaging to her and I continue to do it then it is abuse. I hope you can work things out with your husband, and your marriage improves for the both of you.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Since I was pregnant and started showing...but also since he has cheated on me and I stayed with him anyway. This was all about a year ago.


He needs help. 

I found my X extremely attractive when she was pregnant and would never turn down a SO for porn.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> If your wife was standing in front of you wanting sex but she was also standing next to your computer screen where porn is just a click away...what do you choose?
> 
> Yes this is a serious question...
> 
> ...


What do you mean by college chick? College chicks are a specific type of porn. Believe me just about ANY woman can get a job in porn. There are thousands of 5'10 curvy chicks in porn? Porn chicks are not exactly the best built and best looking girls. This idea that you need to be a college chick to do porn is antiquated.

The simple answer is your husband is no longer into you anymore and is looking for some action elsewhere.


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## Jacob123 (Feb 27, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> If your wife was standing in front of you wanting sex but she was also standing next to your computer screen where porn is just a click away...what do you choose?
> 
> Yes this is a serious question...
> 
> ...


Your hubby has a serious addiction and needs treatment. Porn is escapism and not real. Everything is available and sometimes you can get lost in that. Your husband is a fool to ignore you and what you have to offer is beeter than anything he will watch.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I feel he needs a drastic wake up call.

You need some firm boundaries, and ideas about what you need and want from the marriage.

You should let him know that his behaviour and treatment of you is unattractive and will cause you to fall out of love with him and eventually move on. Let him know that you are not sure you want to be with a man who you have to watch over and worry about, that you don't want to be his mother, so he should stop acting like a child. Also that you cannot trust him, and his behaviour is continually undermining your marital connection, instead of earning your trust back. 

As a condition of having you stay, let him know that there needs to be no more porn, no flirting with others, he is be an open book as far as computer, email, phone and face book goes. Any female you are not comfortable with, he does not contact. He goes to counseling and concentrates on you, you both spend time appreciating each other and making each other feel sexy and desirable.

The root of the problem is your husbands selfishness and poor impulse control, not you.

If you don't shake things up and let him know what is at stake, I fear you are just waiting it out until he cheats again.

Good luck.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

There is no picture or video that can compare to a real woman!


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

Sometimes if both cannot connect sexually some turn to porn. There have been periods (fortunately brief) where the Mrs. Dong acted like a stale Twinkie in bed. Was not really interested. 

Have you considered the possibility that he is just not into the sex you are two are able to have? Have you two communicated your expectations regarding sex?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> If your wife was standing in front of you wanting sex but she was also standing next to your computer screen where porn is just a click away...what do you choose?
> 
> Yes this is a serious question...
> 
> ...



*Thor* speaks for my wife and me. 

We watch it together and it has been her leading all the way. I was not watching it at the beginning of our marriage. She is the one who initiated and most of the time picks the flicks.

We'll put one on for a couple of minutes and I guess it has become a pretty common method of foreplay for us. Either of us might look over for a few seconds now and then to see what is going on but neither of us looks at the actors as threats or substitutes. Seeing an actor for five minutes - they're stale by then and you never want to see them again with the exception of a couple that look pretty close to my wife. She is younger and much more attractive than almost everyone in the industry so it has nothing to do with that. 

Sex is still a mutual gift. A team effort. This husband of yours has checked out of that committment to emotional intimacy.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I can't understand how a normal healthy male could choose porn
over a real live willing female.If you are intelligent, you know
that women who do porn usually do it for the money.

When you have a living breathing female partner who wants you 
physically and emotionally,no porn can even come close.
You feel satisfied in a deep emotional sense.


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## Erin143 (Feb 12, 2013)

I have cheated on my wife when we were dating and married 2 seperate events and only 1 time things apart and porn and sex is something I feel like I have been battling alone for years since everyone has a take on it. I did not cheat because I did not love her or do not love her, she is my world and the mother of my children I love, appreciate and respect her I messed up and there was just such a rush of getting something new at that time... And she too has put on some weight from 2 children and I work nights so a lot of times if I need to take care of business I have to turn to porn and... Which the thing is when you watch porn for me at least its the acts not always the looks that create the rush of adrenaline. I'm not saying what he is doin is right, its not, he's escaping for a somewhat drug high he sounds like a porn addict at this point. When you prefer visual over physical stimulation that's an issue... We all have issues that might be his... I hope this helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I don't care how big you are, if you loved me and had my children, I would be with you every time you wanted me. You deserve better.


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