# The first child



## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Hello everyone,

My husband and I have one child, just under a year old. Since our baby was born of course we have much less time to spend exclusively on each other. 

From experienced parents here, I'd love to hear how you got through this without letting time constraints pull you apart. To the men: How did you adjust to the change in...everything? How did you honestly feel about so much attention going to the baby? How did your expectations about having free time to yourself change? What were some things your wife did or could have done to make this time the happiest possible for you? For women: Is there anything you've learned that helped you meet all the baby's needs _and_ your husband's and your own? Any words of advice/encouragement from those who've been there would be very appreciated. My husband is such an excellent father and so understanding, I feel like he deserves better than he's been getting of late.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Obviously for a little while you do have to give up a lot of time to your self and time just as a couple to an extent.

But specifically what is it you think your husband isn't getting that he deserves more of?

My husband and I happened to be the type that enjoyed spending "most' our free time with the kids.Park and zoo and walks and later biking and bowling ,putt putt etc...We got our parents to watch them maybe once a month for a date night.We made those over nighters.Sometimes we just stayed home and listened to music and talk ..have a few drinks on the patio ..have sex of course ..maybe dinner in bed etc..Sometimes we went out on the town and stayed out late then came home and had sex LOL>>>Looking forward to having those times (or having those times) was enough of a refresher to tide us over til the next time..Free time?My husband didn't want much of that I did.So I would go out dancing with my sister sometimes.Sometimes I would just simply go outside (weather permitting) and sit out late at night watching the sky listening to music or talking to a friend or family member on the phone..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've gone through this a couple of times. I hadn't really thought of it before but I guess the way I "dealt" with it was by pitching in and helping out with the baby. If I wasn't home, I was tending or playing with the baby. The wife got a break, the baby got good and worn out so she could sleep, and I think watching me interact with our baby put my wife in the mood for other things. I knew a baby would change things so I wasn't shocked or frustrated. We didn't have as much "alone" time but you learn to grab what you can when you can. The baby doesn't mind being in the presence of a little smooching.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rule of thumb to keep the passion/romance in your marriage is that a couple has to spend at least 15 hours a week together, doing date like things… just the two of you. 

So how do you do that with a baby around?

The number one rule is that children have an early bedtime. This is for the parents as much as it is for the children. After the baby (of children) are in bed, it’s your time. The two of you can structure you days on work days so that you have 1-2 hours an evening together. Date-like time does not mean that you have to go out. It means you spend the time together. You can cuddle on the couch and talk. You can play cards and talk. 

You can plan an in-house date. Make some snacks, have some wine and retire to your bedroom where you hang out and well eventually have a good roll in the hay.

So if you do that, that’s 5-10 hours already under your belt spent together. On weekends you can have one or two times for a longer time when the two of you spend time together. .. go for a walk if that’s what you like, work out together, go out on a real date once every week or two.

If you have relatives who will watch your children, that’s great. The overnight date is one of the best ways to get your time in. Having a friend to swap sitting with is also a good way to do it. I used to hire a high school girl to watch our son while we were at home. She’d watch him and we would have an in-house date. So when he was little we did not leave him with her alone. But we could concentrate on each other. She was with us for years so as she got older and was in college I did get to the point that I trusted her and we could go out on dates. If you have teen relatives or very close friends that might help as well.

Look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They can help the two of you sort this all out.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

We tried to get one evening a week to ourselves so that we could go out for a meal, talk for a few hours, come back well fed and relaxed, and so to bed.........

We had been married seven years when number one arrived and had spent much time together so had a very strong bond by then.

It got more difficult when number two and then number three arrived.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Anabel said:


> My husband is such an excellent father and so understanding, I feel like he deserves better than he's been getting of late.


Why do you think he deserves better?


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Thank you for the replies.
After reading them, I think my time management skills must be seriously lacking.. We've been on one date alone together since our baby was born, and don't spend _anywhere_ close to 15 hours alone together each week. My husband hasn't once complained but I know it needs to change soon for both our sakes. When I ask him if there's anything specific that he misses that I can do, he'll usually give some variety of "I'm happy as long as you're happy." 

More particulars: He works long hours, so by the time he gets home the baby and I are both wiped out. Naturally he wants dinner and to unwind a bit before bed, so we don't usually go to sleep at the same time. And--I know this must change--I normally sleep in the baby's room. In the beginning I did this because of a medical issue she was having; now we're beyond that and the main reason I continue doing it is for sleep. He wakes me up when he comes to bed (any little noise does now that I'm always listening for the baby crying) and then it's an hour before I can get back to sleep, then the next hour the baby wakes up. I stay at home with her, he works, so the responsibility of night wakings is on me (which I'm completely fine with, but it does mean I'm exhausted by 9 pm).

We have plenty of time on the weekends we spend together as a family, which we both love. When the baby's napping, we both usually take that time to eat, answer e-mails, catch up on a few of the gazillion things that need to get done, errands, house repairs etc. 

I know I'm missing the same quality time he is. It doesn't seem equal though. Because by the end of the day what I usually crave most is a minute to myself. Whereas he works all day alone, so when he gets home and I'm about ready to crash... though he doesn't say anything, I see the disappointment on his face.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Some here may disagree but a one year only will not mind if mom and dad decide to have a quickie on the couch while jr is playing with his little people. I remember once she was on top and he came over and slapped her on the ass. We couldn't stop laughing. 

For our first one the Baby Einstein videos were like baby crack. Bought us a half hour breather. Unfortunately our second one couldn't care less about the TV until he was three.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. The first couple of years were really hard on our relationship. My first daughter was a terrible sleeper until she was 21/2. We still haven't been out in the evening together, as my little one still needs me there to go to sleep.

Anyway, here's some things we do;

Every Friday we have a date night at home. Kids asleep by 8 or so. And we either watch a movie and get take away or get take away and chat. 

Every Saturday night we do something else. Right now we are playing a computer game together. We snuggle up and play it in bed with a scotch for him and a red wine for me.

We will often be interrupted by one or other child waking up, but i help them go back to sleep and we continue with whatever we were doing.
Sometimes we go out by ourselves during the day on the weekend if my parents can babysit. 

During the week we always sit together after the kids are in bed and watch tv and cuddle on the couch. 

Look at your timetable and see if your husband can get home a bit earlier once or twice a week. And/or nap with your baby during the day so you can stay up later in the evening. I'm still dealing with night waking children, you've got to prioritise your sleep over household stuff. Invest in a cleaner once a fortnight.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

This is a bigger problem in the U.S. than other countries I tink because we tend to orbit around the kids rather than the kids fitting in the family.

It sounds cliche but it IS SO TRUE. Find time for each other and have a date night every week. Of course this means someone has to watch the kid/kids but if you live near their grandparents then it's pretty easy. That balance can be found whether you have one or ten.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Date nights don't have to involve babysitters and leaving the house though. I seriously would not have inflicted my first child on any babysitter when she was younger. The nights were horrendous.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Date nights don't have to involve babysitters and leaving the house though. I seriously would not have inflicted my first child on any babysitter when she was younger. The nights were horrendous.


Ha. You beat me to it Lyris. I wrote this and then saw your post and deleted it.


The fact that you're here asking is a good sign. When the role of husband and wife doesn't get overshadowed by the role of mother and father, there's some room to manuever within a healthy happy marriage. My wife and I are homebodies so even curling on the couch while the kids were sleeping was pretty nice.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Strange the idea of just spending the weekend nights together at home after the baby's gone to bed.. had not occurred to me. Guess being in a hurry to have the chance to sleep, I usually rush to bed after putting her down. And I was thinking of going out for dates, nights on the town and whatnot, but that really isn't necessary. Planning on that time at home would help, thanks.

His work hours are pretty much set, since no one can cover for him. But we have a lot of time on his days off. 

True enough many of the these restraints are self-inflicted in the U.S. .. And I could stop being so overprotective..but probably won't lol. First child and all..
Thank you again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I was the type of Mom that didn't tip toe around my babies & their nap time... if I / we had to go somewhere, vacuum, whatever, they'd get woke up...they get used to noise, and sleep right through it....


We had 6 ...and 5 of those was within 10 yrs...multi-tasking is a must...It would be nothing for me to have something in the oven, preparing another food at the counter, laundry being done, on the phone with a friend (love speakerphone) while the baby had the bottle propped in his mouth right beside me...(Yeah, they say not to do that, but I did it with every one, they all lived....I used a stroller I wheeled around the house with me)...whatever makes life easier ! I wanted the baby within eye shot all the time...that was comforting to me. Used the bassinet feature by our bedside too at night. 

If you want more time with hubby...that is the answer...get organized & get stuff done when he's at work. Then when he is home, all you have to do it... Feed & Change baby & hopefully this is enough to keep the crying at bay. 

I loved using Baby swings, Binkys were a life saver...even when they start crawling around the house, if they have a binky.... less chance of them trying to swallow things. When they get a little older, the TV comes in handy to keep them entertained & safe Toys....while you slip off & have some FUN. (Baby monitors come in handy then). 

If baby gets in the schedule of sleeping at night... this also helps...

If you have a friend with children, maybe you could SWAP babysitting favors ...so it won't cost anything to get out with the husband. 

Enjoy those days off, make the most of them!


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was the type of Mom that didn't tip toe around my babies & their nap time... if I / we had to go somewhere, vacuum, whatever, they'd get woke up...they get used to noise, and sleep right through it....


Yes I made the mistake of starting off keeping naptimes quiet. Working on changing that.

We don't use T.V. (I was practically raised by it so trying to avoid) and we've not tried swings and exersaucers.. Like I said, self-inflicted. 



> ...even when they start crawling around the house, if they have a binky.... less chance of them trying to swallow things.


Had not thought of that either. Good idea.

She's starting to more or less sleep through the night now. For the first time I actually have the energy to think about adjusting the routine which would really help. 
Thanks for the tips.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Anabel said:


> Yes I made the mistake of starting off keeping naptimes quiet. Working on changing that.
> 
> We don't use T.V. (I was practically raised by it so trying to avoid) and we've not tried swings and exersaucers.. Like I said, self-inflicted.


Well no wonder you are struggling. 

I personally bow down to Baby Einstein video's, baby swings, vibrating bouncy seats and exersaucers. 

They say it takes a village to raise a baby well I think barring that it takes modern day conveniences. If using these devices will keep my marriage strong and save my sanity then it's totally worth it. It's all about balance. 

There is a huge difference between raising a kid on tv vs using it so you can have alone time with your husband, to take a cat nap or to get things done. KWIM?


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Well no wonder you are struggling.
> 
> I personally bow down to Baby Einstein video's, baby swings, vibrating bouncy seats and exersaucers.
> 
> ...


That makes perfect sense. It's just that, considering genetics and family history, in our case we thought it a good idea to try and instill as firm a grip on reality as possible from the start heh.. My own mother thinks it's funny I'm trying to raise a kid like it's the stone age, so yep I know what you mean.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Anabel said:


> in our case we thought it a good idea to try and instill as firm a grip on reality as possible from the start heh.


Yes. Keep this mindset Anabel and you will have room to be wrong sometimes and weak on occasion. It's about the body or work over many years and thoughtful intent steers us right more often than wrong.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I was very strict about no tv when my oldest was under 2. But then I started to read some of the actual research about tv being bad for kids, or having no benefit and found it totally unconvincing.

I watch lots of tv with my girls now. It's wonderful. They gain lots from it and we have wonderful conversations and games inspired by the tv shows they like.

Still, I don't usually leave them watching it alone. I like to be involved. 1/2 an hour here or there will make no difference, seriously. If you're interested, a lot of the radical unschooling sites have links to research and rebuttals for the evils of tv watching as one of unschooling's hallmarks is questioning parental restrictions of media generally.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Anabel said:


> Yes I made the mistake of starting off keeping naptimes quiet. Working on changing that.
> 
> We don't use T.V. (I was practically raised by it so trying to avoid) and we've not tried swings and exersaucers.. Like I said, self-inflicted.
> 
> ...


You have first baby syndrome bad. That's ok we have all been there. 

Baby monitors are ok EXCEPT for mommy and daddy time. I am sure you have noticed that if they are really upset you could hear the even if you turned your stereo up to eleven. Turn the monitor off. Little bits will be just fine for 20 minutes. Little bits will not be fine if mommy and daddy are not fine. 

Do not raise your child on TV, it is just one of your many tools. 

Probably getting late for a swing or a saucer. 

The best advise is to nap with your baby so you have energy at night. Adjust your schedule so you will have energy when your husband does. You will be surprised how well a you change a baby's sleep schedule with a weeks effort. 

Going out is great but it is just absurd what sitters charge now. $8 an hour cash.. WTF? When I was I kid it was $1 per hour. There has not been 800% inflation in 35 years.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

> I watch lots of tv with my girls now. It's wonderful. They gain lots from it and we have wonderful conversations and games inspired by the tv shows they like.
> 
> Still, I don't usually leave them watching it alone. I like to be involved. 1/2 an hour here or there will make no difference, seriously.


Didn't mean to give the impression I think there's anything wrong with limited amounts. Just like you're saying, I'd like to be able to discuss it with her at the time, so probably around 2 years old or so we'll start introducing.



> The best advise is to nap with your baby so you have energy at night. Adjust your schedule so you will have energy when your husband does. You will be surprised how well a you change a baby's sleep schedule with a weeks effort.


Rearrangement of naps is definitely in order and will probably free up a decent amount of time.

Fortunately grandparents are nearby who are eager to babysit. It's the whole getting ready to go out and getting the baby prepared--by the end of that we'd usually rather just go to sleep.


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## Repenting (Jan 7, 2013)

StargateFan said:


> Turn the monitor off. Little bits will be just fine for 20 minutes. Little bits will not be fine if mommy and daddy are not fine.


This really nails it. The difference in outcomes between kids who are raised with zero TV vs. those with 30-60 min daily of PBS is negligible. 

The difference in outcomes between kids whose parents are divorced vs. those who aren't is NOT negligible. 

If you are too tired to spend time with your husband at the end of the day because you have given 100% being mom _then stop giving 100% to being mom._ 90% will do fine. 

Date night is great whenever you can work it (for us once a month has been fine), but whatever you do, it's absolutely imperative that you keep at least enough energy to give your spouse some brain-and-body-engaged sex at least once a week. If he's like most guys, he will be able to overlook some nights with you crashing if you are giving him a workout on the regular. 

A couple of practical tips: 
#1: Having young kids may mean spontenaity is no longer a big part of your sex life. Don't let "we're not spontaneous any more" turn into "we don't have sex any more." Sure it may not be as much fun, but planned sex is INFINTELY better than no sex. Doesn't have to be as structured as "Wednesday is sex day" (though if that works for you then great) - but just having him ask you in the morning so you can plan to reserve energy during the day can help. If he doesn't ask, then YOU ask. 

#2: If it's financially workable, many excellent day care programs have 2 or 3 day per week morning-only or afternoon-only part time slots available. If you can swing it, check into this. It's actually good for toddlers to have interaction with other toddlers, and this break by itself will leave you with enough in the tank for your spouse. 

Your heart's in the right place to even be here asking the question. I'm sure you'll do fine. Want-to is 90% of the battle on this topic.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was the type of Mom that didn't tip toe around my babies & their nap time... if I / we had to go somewhere, vacuum, whatever, they'd get woke up...they get used to noise, and sleep right through it....
> 
> 
> We had 6 ...and 5 of those was within 10 yrs...multi-tasking is a must...It would be nothing for me to have something in the oven, preparing another food at the counter, laundry being done, on the phone with a friend (love speakerphone) while the baby had the bottle propped in his mouth right beside me...(Yeah, they say not to do that, but I did it with every one, they all lived....I used a stroller I wheeled around the house with me)...whatever makes life easier ! I wanted the baby within eye shot all the time...that was comforting to me. Used the bassinet feature by our bedside too at night.
> ...


HA HA!!! VACUMING IS ACTUALLY WHAT PUT ONE OF MINE TO SLEEP!!!

I had very clean carpets for 2 years///


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

> This really nails it. The difference in outcomes between kids who are raised with zero TV vs. those with 30-60 min daily of PBS is negligible.
> 
> The difference in outcomes between kids whose parents are divorced vs. those who aren't is NOT negligible.
> 
> ...


You're right. He had it rough as a kid, so it makes him proud the more time and energy I give to mothering. Likewise, seeing him with her is endlessly appealing and makes me proud as well...He's very hesitant to "interfere" with the little family routine we've built up, which for the most part is ideal for both of us.. However, it probably means I'm going to need to be the one to initiate the alone time. I may be missing it even more than he is. But then again we talked about it the other day and he said he'd just been patiently waiting. So, seems all is working out. Hearing other perspectives has been extremely helpful.


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