# how do l handle this mess ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

hi people and my new family, sad but true.

how in the hell do l handle this ? we separated 14wks ago and she moved into a rental with my daughter 7wks ago.
it was us and it was someone she'd met also and wanted to spend time with now.
we've been together 18 yrs but the last 3 or 4 were very rough , new area , finding work and a house problems,money pressures, she changed jobs and also fell in with a whole new crowd , think that's where she met this dude.
all mid lifers , country town , and pretty sure egging her on. me and my daughter don't know any of them but l found emails .
l was no saint either , under heaps of pressure , some parties came along and l had a bit too gooda times , at home , but she didn't even wanna join in anyway. there were girls but nothing sex. she thought there was though.
l'd been mentally exhausted from our worries, physically from work and renoing up the house we bought 14mths ago. she's been different , l've been different to, tired , stressed , [email protected] , moody , then her new crowd , she's also had heaps of health problems to and two ops. she's been telling me everything's cool right through but building up all sorts of feelings.
anyway , we split , her choice , although l was all over the place to, life had been tough , l wanted to turn the corner with us though when things eased up which was only mths away.

anyway she's off , in her rental . l see my daughter w/ends she comes out to this place.
l thought this new guy spat her out , she'd been texting more w/ends lately but -not so.
small local town , there's 4 of them but she's in the main one now , our house is 5mins out on 1ac.
l go in for stuff today, heres my wife sitting with this guy having coffee.
l walked straight past them , they were talking and didn't see me.
l got my stuff then sat in the car for an hr and !/2 watching.
they went and got groceries together, she even took the trolly back like she use to with me.
his car turns out to be one she was driving 6wks ago , while hers was getting fixed. l suspected but didn't ask.

they weren't all over each other , didn't touch , but they were talking , comfortably , involved , like we use to.
when they came out with groceries they were in zinc , as a couple would be and chatting as they went back to the car, comfortable , familiar , l mean they were into each other !
l mean for [email protected] sake.
this is a tiny town we're talking , my daughter goes to school there, they both know the whole place , my daughter has a pile of friends there.
l didn't know many people in that place and they would've hardly seen us together but they would all know her well and me by sight fore sure.
now l feel so ashamed , l thought they'd split and if not were just very casual , on off. l thought she was being discrete in respect for me and my daughter , giving it and the gossip time. but coffee in the main street or use the supe together there ,it's a sign up.

l feel sick to the stomach . l thought l was good , past , but after this and it was obvious they're are close and very familiar , in full view.
1/2 the towns at school picking up kids , me too . the other wk l went to pick up my daughter at sick bay and all the teachers stared at me .biggest gossipers of the town.

l just don't know how to face any of it now . l feel ashamed for my daughter , all her friends have probably known for mths , me.
any friends we had were more on my wifes side, even her family seem to be supporting her .
l just feek sick after todau . the house will take another 12 mths which l'm finishing but , we have a property bubble here and what if l can't sell it in 12 mths . l'll be stuck here , watching them , knowing everyone knew.

l honestly can't believe she'd treat us so disrespectfully in full public view like this.
l just don't know how to handle it, l just wanna move , go . never see that [email protected] town again . lts famous for this exact crap


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l feel like going round and shaking her - what the hell is wrong with you babe.
yeah we'd been running a little rough but we'd always been so close , so into each other.
although this guy looks the dead opposite to me , their focus , their into each other , it reminded me of us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Very few affairs last long. This is especially true once they move in together. If you are interested in getting her back you have a good chance if you wait it out.

There is a good book for this "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It would help you a lot to read it. The book is a quick read.

If you are not wanting to get back with her then just cut your contact with her down as much as you can, over time you will fall out of love with her. 

When she and OM split the attitudes of others will mostly likely turn against her. It's going to be hard for her once this happens...especially in a small town.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Dude...I wish I 'could' give you some serious advice here...I understand the difficulty of the 'exposure' ur dealing with and the 'wtf how could she'll and 'infront of everyone'...it is hateful and disrespectful. I wish you and I could just meet 'that certain someone' to spend our time with as well. Wether were ready or not yannoi just don't know of another way to deal with that exposure cos it sux...meeting other people can help us 'move on' a bit...sigh...your gonna get better advice on here of course but know...I very much feel your pain and wish I could be there to hang with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

thanks so much ele , l've read a lot of your stuff round here and l know we'd all appreciate it . thanks for the book tip to, will do.
l just can't tell how l feel lately. your so confused , 180's 90's , hurt , guards up. l do still love my old k, always have but l haven't seen her for 18mths. yet here she was back , with him. 
she was a gorgeous girl , person , so caring , she's a nurse .
l loved her again if that made sense. that's the girl l did love.

l wanted to go grab her and take her home. but there was of course the other girl , the one doing this. 
k would never have done this before she despised stuff like this yet here she is. 
she told me only 6wks before despite all the pressures and hassles she wanted to grow old with me.

l know one thing though , that f'g town but , never know maybe it goes as you say . can only hope .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Dude...I wish I 'could' give you some serious advice here...I understand the difficulty of the 'exposure' ur dealing with and the 'wtf how could she'll and 'infront of everyone'...it is hateful and disrespectful. I wish you and I could just meet 'that certain someone' to spend our time with as well. Wether were ready or not yannoi just don't know of another way to deal with that exposure cos it sux...meeting other people can help us 'move on' a bit...sigh...your gonna get better advice on here of course but know...I very much feel your pain and wish I could be there to hang with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



thanks so much stella , i wish the same and l've felt terrible with your troubles to.
l just dunno wtf , how do people that loved us do this [email protected] , that's the part that really just blows me away.
let alone stupid and disrespectful enough to let it show in a small town. and what , when your own daughters in the middle of dealing with her family breaking apart to f'n boot.

l'm , well l just dunno anymore !


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/62353-does-anybody-have-website.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...62681-pressure-marry-feeling-overwhelmed.html

I too do not get how people can do these things to someone they claimed to love. It's beyond my comprehension. It eats at me a lot in my own situation.

But who’s to blame? It’s pretty typical to say that the state of the marriage is 50/50 the fault of both people. But I also know that in some situation the fault really belongs more to one party than the other.
But an affair can only be blamed on the person having it. They have the choice to try to fix the relationship , to divorce or to have an affair.. and they choose the affair.

It’s all about ‘love’. Not real love.. the chemical high people get when they first meet someone. It lasts for about 12-18 months. Then that more boring, long term love starts to set in. Some people are junkies for the high form a new relationship. Others seem to wake up one day and suddenly they need that fix and even up cheating on a long time partner. 

People are stupid sometimes… what can I say?


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

ach White....just read this and my heart hurts for you.

I'm so sorry. Its the deception that pains the most.

Now, about you.

You are a strong guy. So you have to pour all that energy into you now ok?

Go buy that Harley. Go for those rides. Get out and live.

When you see her...well....confrontation time, maybe?

But...stay in control. Stay indifferent. No matter what you want to scream.
When she leaves again, then you can go throw crap around that one acre.

I'm really sorry . It hurts this part. And don't worry about other people.. You know the truth. Hold your chin up ok.

love and peace


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/62353-does-anybody-have-website.html
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...62681-pressure-marry-feeling-overwhelmed.html
> 
> I too do not get how people can do these things to someone they claimed to love. It's beyond my comprehension. It eats at me a lot in my own situation.
> ...


Sometimes, adult humans aren't capable of adult human behavior. Emotions are primitive. The victim chair is seductive.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Can you see your daughter more often? Like one weeknight as well?

Sometimes people change, and sometimes we gave them too much credit all along.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Can you see your daughter more often? Like one weeknight as well?
> 
> Sometimes people change, and sometimes we gave them too much credit all along.


yeah your not wrong cat , in some ways l didn't give her enough but in others way over , like this . l'd have put a harley on her never contemplating somem like this - there ya go.
yea could do that no probs but the poor kid has lost her family and now lives in two houses. she's doing a spectacular job and we can't ask any more from her just yet.
another thing is god it takes a lot to be cherpie for 3 days already.
thanks a ton.
ps , and thank you all so much guys and gals , l'm comin back - umm , after food . least l'm still hungry


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/62353-does-anybody-have-website.html
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...62681-pressure-marry-feeling-overwhelmed.html
> 
> I too do not get how people can do these things to someone they claimed to love. It's beyond my comprehension. It eats at me a lot in my own situation.
> ...



sorry ele and yea it sure does. we both felt like that , talked about that [email protected] dozens of times but here ya go.
l think one of the most damaging aspects for me right now is that if she of all people quit and under our circumstances and went somewhere else , l could never trust again . which is not good.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

oncehisangel said:


> ach White....just read this and my heart hurts for you.
> 
> I'm so sorry. Its the deception that pains the most.
> 
> ...


ahh angel thanks . god knows you sure do have enough on your plate, l know . 
to b honest l don't even know if l'd bother . must have missed em by 1/2 hr in that supermarket , which is just as well.
imagine that. l was visualizing the headlines 

the worst thing is l can't get my harley . banks cool with equity but l have to do all new paperwork .. forget that right now last time was a nightmare in good times .
might rob a bank f'k it.
the other day l remembered riding over your way a few yrs back through snow , felt like me and the bike were the only one in the world. need me some of that , pick up an angel on the way but -- no can do now, youch.

fk it , might even take out a loan , l'm thinkin on it.

get this , wifey reckons if you don;t come and pick me up when you get your new bike l'm comin after ya. wtf what about mr gentle ! hey , go triple , nice and cosey.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

you know , l can't for the life of me workout why all her friends and family seem to be supporting her , helping her .
it's almost as if she's been some torchered helpless wife and now she's broken free or some garbage , l mean that's the vibe l get.
yet they all loved us as a couple and couldn't believe we'd split.

not one of them has called me , yet a few of them have spent hrs and hrs at our place ,talking , their kids have all been stayin for yrs , 1/2 the kids in the whole district have stayed here . they all love stayin here and at the other place , we use to laugh at how they pretty well had to Que up and book a w/end mths in in advance . 

people !


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Often that is how family and friends are... they support a person no matter what they do. It's sad because if they put some pressure back on them to do the right thing... well they just might do the right thing.

It takes a lot of character and energy to look a good friend or family member in the eye and tell them they are messing up. Most people just do not want the hassel. They don't want to spend the energy. They are also afraid that the person they stand up to will walk out of their life too.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

yea , admittedly her family are like that with her. l've never once ever seen them interfere with any of the kids stuff or say a word which l reckons just wrong . but they do reappear , support them and pick up the pieces. seen them do it with all the kids. 
it is in ways really admirable though the way they are like that but in others [email protected] needs to be said if you ask me. but hen they're still married , 50yrs , mines blown to bits so l can't talk.
her mum did say to me when i told her , well i don't agree with what she's doing you know but i can't take sides and l have to support her, understandable l spose.
would you believe what you've said about friends , actually crossed my mind tonight while l was at my daughters concert- which l'll get into next .
but they were all walking up and chatting , mentions of this coffee or l'll call you tomorrow or see you friday , it was everywhere.
l thought these women don't give a fk about where she's been or what she's done , their just happy to have a new friend. weird. 

but strangely , they did also seem happy to see us together.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

tonight was going to be my worst nightmare , this week anyway.on top of Saturday . my daughters band was performing at that towns town hall.
that whole town would be there and her whole school .we'd need to look a bit civil for my daughter , not nly but she's the singer so if she's upset !
k said last night oh just come and sit next to me l'll wave you over when l see you. umm, your kidding right.

well , it did have to be that way for my daughter and wagging tongues , confused them if nothing else I think fore sure.
how pathetic , my beautiful daughters first concert ever and what her fool f'g parents are messing with it.
well along with some instructions from a dear friend , l re' read just before l left = over a couple of strong ones , head up and to hell with all of them and her , l'm going to watch my daughter sing.

now this is where my anger accidentally gets turned on it's head.
walk in, couldn't see k so just grabbed seat, to hell with it, i just can't wait to see her band.
few minutes later k turns up , sits leaning into me chatting away and now this happens with us all the time but , within mins forgot everything because well one the excitement of our daughters concert and, chit chat conversation just took off before l knew it. it just happens with us. even like this.
anyway my daughter was incredible , what a little rock chick , should hear her voice. the band , 11 and 12 yr olds. you should hear these guys, l wouldn't have believed it if l didn't see it.
she practices round the house but to hear her on a professional sound system filling a big hall, really something.

k sends me 15 texts through the night later , one talking about nothing to do on w/ends and she's just staying home and watching tv all holidays.
so where's mr gentle these days . no l didn't ask , least l can still salvage 1 % of my 180.and agro.

so there ya go and l'm disgusted with myself for even talking to her but we just took off. anyway to hell with it it was my daughter's night so.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

hmm , finally got that one right - above there. sorry people l know l'm the worst writer on the planet.

anyway , back to the reality or two people f'g each other over . this [email protected] is suddenly seeming so sad , pointless , stupid.
l'm sick of being filled with agro and on off despise , fighting , games , because handling each other really does turn into some stupid game.
this 180 stuff , not showing this , acting like that , it's all games really and a wall we have to build to survive these train wrecks l guess.

l hate it , l'm sick of it and l have no more of it left .
l decided last night l'm just getting on with what's left of life from here on . cope as best l can . do my stuff and f'k it all .

My ex is not a fighter , she's normally a gentle nature and anything fighting upsets her to the core to.
l know she's absolutely exhausted to with all this garbage , it's not her nature but yes , of course she's done all this so I don't f'n know.

She's had a huge 18mrhs , 2 opps , early menopause and went into a dangerously deep depression, a job change , moved 3 times and now all this, plus her workloads doubled with the new job.
she's exhausted and now she finds out they aren't even getting holidays this yr .
L don't know what I'm suppose to to feel about all this but l do know i've been really worried about her. stupid i know but hey she is the mother of my girl and she is paying 1/2 the bills and once , we were so much so , i dunno .


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