# Softest way to let a woman off the hook?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I'm sure many here recall my history and mental BS. I have been trying hard to be alone and mostly want to succeed at that but will admit that having someone to talk to is nice. Met a woman last year. I was VERY clear that I have brain issues and I am not good partner material. The woman was all over me and it really has not stopped. She is from out of town so that helps. 

The conflicted issue for me is she is genuinely a good person, good mother, etc, etc. I also really like spending time with here BUT I simply will NOT allow my brain or heart to feel again. She has told me numerous times that she loves me now but I just avoid that conversation. 

This is someone that is very trustworthy and apparently she feels I am trustworthy. She has had some really rough stuff in her life that just make me want to puke and she stood back up and made the most of it. 

She is persistent but not pushy. She sort of is able to bypass my wall, which irritates me some. She has made the travel trip to my place probably no less than 10x now. She spends the night, we have fun, etc. We talk on the phone and such but I refuse to chat about a relationship. In several ways, I felt like it would just take some time for her to run off, but she is stuck to me. I guess I am making mistakes all over by allowing her to come here, but I guess I like her company, I just don't want a future with her. 

I am realizing that I am being selfish here and I need to reinforce that I don't want a romantic relationship. Sex is nice, but it is just complicating things. I do NOT want to hurt her and I know my involvement has at least helped her in some way see that not all men are complete *******s. I recently learned about the attraction of INTJ (me) and ENFP (her) and there might be something to that. The word "interesting" seems to apply here to both parties. 

I really had hoped I would help her get her confidence and she would find a great guy and I could fade into the background as "friends", but that is not happening. I think the longer I let this go, the worse it will get for her. It will affect me too because she has been a great friend. At this point, I am not sure if severing all contact will be easier on her or just pulling back on the reins?? 

When she comes here, it takes her about 1hr before she basically sexually attacks me. I have realized I REALLY throw women off when I refuse them because apparently most men don't do that. With her, there is a certain mentality of feeling sorry for her so I don't refuse. 

Put it this way, one time I woke up and she had got up earlier, went to the store and bought stuff for breakfast, took the trash out, dusted, fed the dog, etc. She is a VERY good human being and its taking a LOT for me to cause her any pain.

I really feel like I am doing her a disservice she can't see right now. She is distracted with me instead of looking for other prospects. I am wasting her time. This is probably about the best angle I can spin on this deal. I don't think she is even looking elsewhere and I know she will make someone a fun partner.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

"It's not you, it's me." :smile2:


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

There is no "soft way." You can't beat straight, direct, and honest.

There is one way, however, you can keep it from being harder than it has to be, and that is to do it sooner rather than later. The longer you string her along, the less "soft" it will be. Act now.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sometimes when reading these things My mind starts thinking How would the other person be telling this story? Is she working towards a "relationship" or is she just enjoying having a reliable FWB? It could be she is no more ready for a new relationship than you are. 
How is the communication?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> There is no "soft way." You can't beat straight, direct, and honest.
> 
> There is one way, however, you can keep it from being harder than it has to be, and that is to do it sooner rather than later. The longer you string her along, the less "soft" it will be. Act now.


Agree.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Sometimes when reading these things My mind starts thinking How would the other person be telling this story? Is she working towards a "relationship" or is she just enjoying having a reliable FWB? It could be she is no more ready for a new relationship than you are.
> How is the communication?


Told me she loves me several times and asking to go on trips together and meet her kids. No, I don't think I am reading it wrong.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

As a woman I'd say there is no way to do it softly. Just tell her the truth. Tell her what you've said here. You like her, like spending time but can't get involved deeply and you don't want to hurt her. 

Most women can smell bull**** from a mile away. That's much worse than just being told the truth. With the truth she can make her decision and move on if that's her choice.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> Told me she loves me several times and asking to go on trips together and meet her kids. No, I don't think I am reading it wrong.


Sorry Bob, If I had read better I would have caught most of that. It seems almost instinctual to build the emotional bridges, to bond, to form stable groups. I know that the more I tell my spouse how detached I am the more she tries to rebuild, including pushing the sex. Your friend is willing to pursue this even though you have warned her off. The warning is useless unless you follow through. The pity is she is doing so well at getting into your heart.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you want to stop hurting people then don't date anyone. Its not fair to them.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> *I know my involvement has at least helped her in some way see that not all men are complete *******s.*


Yeah, until you dump her, then you'll just be another ahole who's used and hurt her.

You're not just being selfish, you're being very cruel. This woman is in love with you, clearly, you know that and yet you continue to sleep with her and let her stay at your home, all the while knowing there's no future. If you have even the smallest ounce of care and compassion for this woman you will end this now. There is no way to soften the blow, you're going to break her heart.




Diana7 said:


> If you want to stop hurting people then don't date anyone. Its not fair to them.


^^This


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

In some small defense, I did clearly communicate that I did not want a relationship at the very start. She told me she accepted that. I don't know if her plan was to change my mind or what. 

Is it best to severe all contact or is there really any way to stay friends? It sort of seems like once a certain line has been crossed, things can get awkward.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

bobsmith said:


> In some small defense, I did clearly communicate that I did not want a relationship at the very start. She told me she accepted that. I don't know if her plan was to change my mind or what.
> 
> Is it best to severe all contact or is there really any way to stay friends? It sort of seems like once a certain line has been crossed, things can get awkward.


If she's truly in love with you the most compassionate thing you can do is go NC so she can heal from her heartbreak.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Unfortunately, there is no easy way!

Just tell her what you told us here, apologizing and telling her that it is your fault if she felt led on! Breaking it off is never a cakewalk!

And the sooner that this task is performed, the better off the both of you will be!*


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> In some small defense, I did clearly communicate that I did not want a relationship at the very start.


You said one thing, but your actions indicate something else. If a man doesn't want a relationship with me, we don't have sex, we don't talk on the phone, and we don't spend time together. Simple as that.



bobsmith said:


> I don't know if her plan was to change my mind or what.


Maybe she started out just enjoying herself and simply started falling in in love (regardless of what you said). 



bobsmith said:


> Is it best to severe all contact or is there really any way to stay friends? It sort of seems like once a certain line has been crossed, things can get awkward.


You should tell her what you've told us here. Then, after that, no more contact. Please take responsibility for your part in this, okay? You had sex with her. You spent time with her. Granted, she misconstrued your no-relationship stance, but you led her on to some extent. Seriously.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

A lot of people believe, are even taught, that if a person's words and actions don't agree, they should believe and trust in the actions. I'm pretty sure that's the trap your friend has fallen into. You said you didn't want a relationship. But ever since then, you've been acting as if you're happy to have a relationship with her. Your words and actions don't align, so she's choosing to believe what your actions are telling her. She thinks you do want a relationship because you're behaving as if you do. 


A healthier person than your friend would be looking for someone whose words and actions match up. 


A healthier person than you wouldn't put others in the position of having to guess whether to believe your words or your actions. 


The best, healthiest, kindest, thing you can do is have a real honest conversation with her. Tell her - calmly but very clearly - that you're enjoying the free sex and breakfasts in bed but don't _want_ a future with her. You just aren't interested in anything more or in love or in a future together. Tell her you feel it's best that the two of you don't see one another any more. Then cut off contact with her and keep it that way. 

And don't date anyone else unless or until you're prepared to have enough self-awareness and integrity that your words and your actions align.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> As a woman I'd say there is no way to do it softly. Just tell her the truth. Tell her what you've said here. You like her, like spending time but can't get involved deeply and you don't want to hurt her.
> 
> Most women can smell bull**** from a mile away. That's much worse than just being told the truth. With the truth she can make her decision and move on if that's her choice.


Or they can't smell the bull and don't get the message. Neither is good.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Don't use the words "with her" in the "I was/am not still" looking to have a relationship with any woman.

Followed by "only because your such a different, special and great woman that I've let my actions go farther that I've said along and along and I've got to break this off before we both get in too deep".

"I know already I'm going to hurt, and I don't want you to feel hurt, we can't keep on fooling around."

"It may take me a lifetime to get my emotions ready for a long term relationship. I know I'll regret not having you when the time is right but it's not right to me, to put you in this mix, it's obvious you'll be with someone who can properly love you the way you deserve, whenever you choose to be. I'm just not what you deserve, and I know that."

Or along these lines.

Keep it so she she doesn't have to admit getting hurt, unless she chooses to show it. 

She may think you're a presumptuous ass if you couch it like "you're doing her a favor" by breaking up.

She may want to let you off the hook, without rancor, unless you say it in such a way that doesn't allow her to save face in separating. 

As in too much "because YOU don't want to hurt her" it's best to split up. That makes it all about you. But this should be about her.

It may be true, but likely she won't hear it that way.

Just to quote a couple ageless yet true sayings; "he$$ has no fury like a woman scorned", "its not you, its me" but we all know that means it is definitely you, true or not.

In your situation not wanting to further promote her being hurt may be true.

What I'm getting at, if you can assist her in exiting with both her feelings and pride intact, you'll have done a better fare thee well.

This will be harder on you but as your concerned with her emotions, that will be ok.


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## cheapie (Aug 6, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Don't use the words "with her" in the "I was/am not still" looking to have a relationship with any woman.
> 
> Followed by "only because your such a different, special and great woman that I've let my actions go farther that I've said along and along and I've got to break this off before we both get in too deep".
> 
> ...


Ok, as a woman, I disagree with this approach. I understand that this seems like a way to end things while letting her keep her pride intact, but I can tell you it will likely not be effective. Why? Because, as others have said, your actions have indicated to her that you want a relationship with her, even if your words have not. And I'd bet anything that she's built up a fantasy of "I'll be that special woman to rescue this man from his pain and he's going to fall for me in spite of himself". This is a VERY common female fantasy, BTW...I fell into that one myself when I was very young. If you try to save her pride by telling her that she's different, special and great and that you will regret not having her at some point in the future, she's just going to redouble her efforts - trust me on this. The best thing to do is say, "I'm sorry, I don't want a relationship and I'm sorry for being selfish and wasting your time. We can't see each other anymore." Then cut off all contact. Yes, she'll be hurt and probably angry, but this is, in the long run, the kindest thing to do. And maybe she'll take a lesson from it, and find herself a man that adores her and makes her a priority - as I did.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Or keep it short.

Break up with a text. Say you have a sweet body, I had to sample it a few times but I've wasted enough time on you. 

Then go NC.

Obviously I'm just kidding. 😎😎😎


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

So, some questions:

1. Why exactly are you so set on never allowing your heart or brain to feel for someone again?
2. Have you ever expressed any feelings towards this woman?
3. Does she know 100% that you’re not interested in a relationship, and are just after sex?

You say that she’s had some really rough things happen in her life. You also say that your involvement with her has helped her build her confidence and to see that not all men are complete doofuses. But the thing is that that’s what you’re being to her, especially if you haven’t been honest about your wants/needs (i.e., sex) with her. If she isn’t aware of this, you need to make her aware of this before she gets in any further.

I was just in her position: with a man who I felt that I loved. He loved the sex, and I got very hurt. The only difference is that you’re hoping she’ll look elsewhere for another partner; my XBF wanted me to himself for the sex, and cracked down on me looking for anyone else who wanted me for a relationship. 

She’s said she loves you at this point, so she’s invested; you are not, and I’m guessing that you think of things with her more as FWB. You’re right, you are wasting her time, and you’re going to hurt her and destroy her confidence if you don’t stop this now.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> In some small defense, I did clearly communicate that I did not want a relationship at the very start. She told me she accepted that. I don't know if her plan was to change my mind or what.
> 
> Is it best to severe all contact or is there really any way to stay friends? It sort of seems like once a certain line has been crossed, things can get awkward.


Sever all contact. In my case, I wish my XBF and I had done that months ago; it would've been way less toxic.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I think I have been clear at least in my words. I don't want to get hurt again and don't want to deal with the pressures and complications of a relationship. I don't initiate physical contact or sex, she does. She knows this. I try not to contact her when I have something to say, even though it feels natural to do that. 

I know she is aware of my stance but pursuing me anyway. I could go on and on about the good qualities she has. Really a great person. I don't regret meeting her, and just want her to find happiness.  Just trying to find the right angle to do this as compassionately as possible.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Bob, once you have been crystal clear, any further "hope" on her part is completely HER responsibility. I admire you wanting to make it clear but kind.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> I think I have been clear at least in my words. ... I don't initiate physical contact or sex, she does. She knows this.


Your actions don't match your words. You don't initiate sex, but you don't refuse her when she initiates. You have the right to say "no" if you want.



bobsmith said:


> I know she is aware of my stance but pursuing me anyway. ... Just trying to find the right angle to do this as compassionately as possible.


I don't think she would pursue you if your words matched your actions. There is no "angle" to breaking off with her. You simply tell her that all physical contact has to cease. I'd also suggest that you apologize to her if you sent her any mixed signals. Because that's just what you did. Accept responsibility for your actions.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There's the mismatch.. OP, you mention "I don't initiate sexual contact, she does".

To be true you your shared intent, you have to kindly push her away.

That's the hard part. It's difficult to turn her away when she's all over you, and has your pants unbuckled. 

Either give in, or not and live with it. 

That's your turning point.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have a different take here.

You are an adult. She is an adult.

I'm presuming you have made your case very clear. You have been honest about your emotional landscape and where she fits in.

So ... you owe her nothing. If she chooses to stay, then respect her choice. You can certainly remind her that the relationship has a lifespan if you choose to, but she should already be aware of that.

If she is hanging in there, hoping to change your mind, that isn't on you. It's on her.

I think it's noble that you are concerned about her well being ... but be very clear here, YOU are not responsible for it. She is.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Your actions don't match your words. You don't initiate sex, but you don't refuse her when she initiates. You have the right to say "no" if you want.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think she would pursue you if your words matched your actions. There is no "angle" to breaking off with her. You simply tell her that all physical contact has to cease. I'd also suggest that you apologize to her if you sent her any mixed signals. Because that's just what you did. Accept responsibility for your actions.


Yah. I think this too.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> *I think I have been clear at least in my words. * I don't want to get hurt again and don't want to deal with the pressures and complications of a relationship. I don't initiate physical contact or sex, she does. She knows this. I try not to contact her when I have something to say, even though it feels natural to do that.
> 
> I know she is aware of my stance but pursuing me anyway. I could go on and on about the good qualities she has. Really a great person. I don't regret meeting her, and just want her to find happiness. Just trying to find the right angle to do this as compassionately as possible.


Have you specifically told her "I like you as a friend and will accept a friend with benefits situation if you choose to offer sex but I am not interested in a serious relationship with you"?

If you haven't, then you should probably do so. That is clear and precise language that every woman will understand. It is then her choice to pursue you within your boundaries.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Decide whether you want to keep her as a FWB. If yes, tell her that the "I love yous" are making you uncomfortable and you would prefer she stop saying them (which is what you should have done the first time she uttered it). If no, tell her the friendship has run its course.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This is one of the many reasons FWB would never work for me. What is the point exactly?

I can’t imagine having sex with someone exclusively for months, sharing all the time, hanging out, traveling to see each other, phone calls, sharing romantic situations, getting to know each other well enough to describe her as you have and it essentially NOT meaning anything to you. How is this different than a most early dating relationships???? Oh...it has a different label. I can see why she is confused by your actions, I sure am!!! I just don’t get it...but I understand I am in the minority these days. So whatever on that, I guess I’m weird. FWB is all the rage, right?

Anyway...she sounds like a wonderful woman. Let her go today. She deserves a wonderful man. *Since you don’t want to ever have another relationship, (unrealistic) stop starting them!* You want a friend, be friends with a dude. You want some occasional sex, have a ONS. Stop claiming you don’t want a relationship with a wonderful woman and then spending months developing a relationship with her! 

Stop! Stop! Stop!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

In response to the original post.....could it be that you are feeling that you are not the purser here? You have the interest so what is wrong?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> In response to the original post.....could it be that you are feeling that you are not the purser here? You have the interest so what is wrong?


I guess I don't understand your comment. Obviously I am not the one pursuing here. As far as interest, I am working hard to put a fat roadblock on ALL my feelings so I feel continuing on the current path would not only cause me to feel, but make it even harder to break things apart. 


Its just a repeat of what I have already been through. I don't want to do it again. She might be willing but she needs to find someone willing to do all that with her. As she has already said, "others have already ruined you for me", she knows I am done emotionally, yet she continues. I think it is just a struggle to find a decent human where she lives. If I could box one up to send her, I would. She deserves it!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> I guess I don't understand your comment. Obviously I am not the one pursuing here. As far as interest, I am working hard to put a fat roadblock on ALL my feelings so I feel continuing on the current path would not only cause me to feel, but make it even harder to break things apart.
> 
> 
> Its just a repeat of what I have already been through. I don't want to do it again. She might be willing but she needs to find someone willing to do all that with her. As she has already said, "others have already ruined you for me", she knows I am done emotionally, yet she continues. I think it is just a struggle to find a decent human where she lives. If I could box one up to send her, I would. She deserves it!


So you like her as a "friend" and enjoy your time together, enjoy conversation with her but don't want to lead her on thinking you want more than friendship but you have sex with her because she wants it? I am understanding this correct? You don't want to hurt her because you see her as a good person but you know your heart is closed. It sounds to me like you are confused. Sounds to me that you really like this lady but afraid of being hurt and do not want to hurt her. Do you really want to break this off or do you want her to back off of her pursuit for you? If she were to stop contacting you all together, would you be relieved or would you desire her? Once you figure out the answer to that I would get real with what you are feeling and thinking and express this to your lady friend. What she might not be fully aware of is just what she is doing. It is obvious to me that she is trying to please you or win your love and more than likely there is a sense of your resistance so she is trying harder. If she were to allow you to take the initiative is it possible you would feel differently?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> So you like her as a "friend" and enjoy your time together, enjoy conversation with her but don't want to lead her on thinking you want more than friendship but you have sex with her because she wants it? I am understanding this correct? You don't want to hurt her because you see her as a good person but you know your heart is closed. It sounds to me like you are confused. Sounds to me that you really like this lady but afraid of being hurt and do not want to hurt her. Do you really want to break this off or do you want her to back off of her pursuit for you? If she were to stop contacting you all together, would you be relieved or would you desire her? Once you figure out the answer to that I would get real with what you are feeling and thinking and express this to your lady friend. What she might not be fully aware of is just what she is doing. It is obvious to me that she is trying to please you or win your love and more than likely there is a sense of your resistance so she is trying harder. If she were to allow you to take the initiative is it possible you would feel differently?


I think if she would stop pursuing me, I would avoid contacting her to let things fade out. I will admit, I do enjoy talking to her. Not sure if there is anything to the ENFP deal or just her personality, but I find her bubbly personality refreshing, but its not over the top, just fun. In an ideal world, I would like to remain friends with her and continue a friendship, but I know she wants more and I have been in that position of wanting a relationship with someone that did not feel the same. 

She is well aware of my past and how screwed up I am. I am just trying to figure out how to have this talk with her. Yes, I would bet I am putting off some confusing signals because I am having to mentally stop any feelings and remind myself how things usually go. I just don't want to go through it again.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> Yes, I would bet I am putting off some confusing signals because I am having to mentally stop any feelings and remind myself how things usually go. I just don't want to go through it again.



Hey look!!! You found the core of the issue.

Your issue. Your issue to try and fix, .... finally.

Your past threads all REEK of self doubt.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the lady, who as you say is already aware of some of your ..... weirdness, is still willing and maybe, just maybe, able to help get you unstuck and up out of the mud.

What have you got to lose? Your beloved misery?

Take her hand.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

syhoybenden said:


> Hey look!!! You found the core of the issue.
> 
> Your issue. Your issue to try and fix, .... finally.
> 
> ...


That is my impression too. You're determined to not feel anything for her, because you're afraid of being hurt. Grow a set, and be brave enough to pursue the things you care about. Getting hurt sucks, but it's part of the journey. The only way to never get hurt, is to never care - and that's not much of a life if you ask me.

But if happiness isn't something you want, then keep doing what you're doing. 

Either way, decide. This lady doesn't deserve being strung along.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> I think if she would stop pursuing me, I would avoid contacting her to let things fade out. I will admit, I do enjoy talking to her. Not sure if there is anything to the ENFP deal or just her personality, but I find her bubbly personality refreshing, but its not over the top, just fun. In an ideal world, I would like to remain friends with her and continue a friendship, but I know she wants more and I have been in that position of wanting a relationship with someone that did not feel the same.
> 
> She is well aware of my past and how screwed up I am. I am just trying to figure out how to have this talk with her. Yes, I would bet I am putting off some confusing signals because I am having to mentally stop any feelings and remind myself how things usually go. I just don't want to go through it again.


It can be confusing, no doubt and I see your conflict. Are you waiting for someone to come back to you (aside from this woman)? Or is it fear that keeps you trapped? None of us are perfect and we all get hurt. Part of living, enjoying life and growing as a person is accepting that we all have choices and we all have our own path to walk. I have seen far too many men and women stay stuck out of fear. It is okay to tell your lady friend that you need a break to clear your head and ask her to respect your time. Let her know there is not about her, it is about you, and you just need to find answers for yourself. If you really think she is not the one for you, then you need to tell her that it is just not working, you are just not feeling it. Let her know that you need to go your own way.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I don't think this has much to do with my fears really. In learning a LOT of the INTJ personality, and how much I fit that mold, I realize I am able to rationalize things the way only a few can understand. I cannot trust my 'heart' (whatev that is) to make a sound selection and every one has ended the same. So I have made a mental decision to never let anyone that close to me again. It might seem cold, disturbed, etc, but I just don't want to deal with it all. It has nothing to do with whether this other woman is a good match or not. I had another thread about learning to be alone. It can get down right boring but its something I need to do. I have found the interaction very interesting and eye opening, but I am able to block certain emotions and stick to the plan. There has been 7-8 other women in past months that have tried to 'get to me' but in those instances, I was able to just minimize communication and they got the hint.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think you are enamored with this INTJ definition you've recently stumbled upon and it has solidified your decision to be alone. Which is perfectly ok. 

But I really wonder if deep down, is this REALLY how you want to live life? Don't you miss your kids? Don't you miss the chance of true companionship? 

I get that you were terribly hurt. And I'm so sorry for that. Truly. But do you really want this life of cautious solitude? It makes me sad for you. You could be missing out on such an enriching and rewarding life. This lovely woman could be the start of it.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

On second thought it seems to me now that perhaps the best thing that you do for this poor woman is to stop talking to her altogether.

Do not drag her down into your delusional misery.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You're a spineless creep......Man up and do the right thing. You have been using this woman.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Thank you folks. I think I know what I must do here.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> I think if she would stop pursuing me, I would avoid contacting her to let things fade out. I will admit, I do enjoy talking to her. Not sure if there is anything to the ENFP deal or just her personality, but I find her bubbly personality refreshing, but its not over the top, just fun. In an ideal world, I would like to remain friends with her and continue a friendship, but I know she wants more and I have been in that position of wanting a relationship with someone that did not feel the same.
> 
> She is well aware of my past and how screwed up I am. I am just trying to figure out how to have this talk with her. Yes, I would bet I am putting off some confusing signals because *I am having to mentally stop any feelings and remind myself how things usually go. I just don't want to go through it again.*


Just because things have gone this way for you with some women, doesn't mean to say that it'll continue with ALL other women. This is a lesson that I've also been trying to learn.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well........ I finally did it! Will admit I feel absolutely terrible for being the reason she left here bawling but I tried to make it as comforting as I could. I told her I would still be open to being friends but I suspect that is probably not healthy for either of us. She has had a really rough go at life, or at least stumbling into the abusive type of men. She deserves a good man. 

I think this solidifies why I need to stay away from women. I don't like being the reason for pain and I don't want to feel it myself anymore.


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