# Am i being paranoin????



## marriedmanw2kids (Nov 2, 2011)

Alright, I have been married for over five years now. I have never had a reason to suspect my wife of cheating. She has always been honest with me (that I know of). Recently a good friend found out his wife was cheating and i always thought they were like the brady bunch. It got me thinking about my relationship wife my wife. We have two young boys and for the past couple years sex has been few and far between. Within the last two months though she has been wanting it more and even asking for it. I asked her about it and she said she is just now getting her sex drive back. She has also been going out with the girls from work more. I have gone a few times though. I tend to think about worst case scenarios all the time. My friends tell me I have nothing to worry about but I just cant get the thoughts out of my head. Any suggestions?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Often men and women get a gut feeling that their spouse may be cheating because their spouse starts acting very differently, and sadly, most often than not, it turns out to be true.

Is your wife cheating? who knows but if you want to find out for sure you're going to have to play detective to find out what is going on when you are not there with her.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> Often men and women get a gut feeling that their spouse may be cheating because their spouse starts acting very differently, and sadly, most often than not, it turns out to be true..


:iagree:

We have gut instincts for a reason.

The increase in sexual activity is a possible red flag. It seems its usually feast or famine when an affair is in progress. Either the sexual activity ramps up because she's learned more sexual techniques from the OM, or it drops to practically nothing, because they're more attracted to OM and feel unfaithful to him when she has sex with you.

The increase in GNOs may also be a red flag of an affair. But you have to be more forthcoming with details. Google "Signs Of An Affair" to see if there are more red flags. She's putting herself in a bad situation with these GNOs. Alcohol and a smooth talking OM can lead to dangerous situations. Why is she going out with her girlfriends into that kind of environment (meat market). I assume that you're staying home and watching the kids.

Is her phone practically glued to her? Does she text all the time now? You need to compare her activity with the affair signs to be able to give you the probable cause to start investigating.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes, do a little due diligence to make sure nothing bad is going on. Also embrace the sex. 

I suggest that you show an interest on what goes on with the GNOs. Where they go and what they are doing when they get there.

See Married Man Sex Life and look into His Needs Her Needs for meeting each others needs and for setting of agreed upon boundaries. Her needs may have just changed.

What are the agreed upon boundaries you have with your wife. If you do not know then for sure do the HNHN ASAP.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Keep quiet, for now---cuz if you are wrong, you will stir up a hornet's nest----start monitering here vigilantly---computer, cellphone----hours she keeps, how many times out with GF's---change in habits OF ANY KIND, including dress, and bodyshape---check her spending----her hours of coming and going---her CC expenditures----keep a close eye on everything


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keep in mind that an increased sex drive in women is not abnormal (or unwanted, in many cases). Especially around 40 years old.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marriedmanw2kids (Nov 2, 2011)

I have been checking all of this for two months now and nothing seems to be out of place. I know she would never break up our family we have talked about this many times. I have never had a reason to suspect anything before. What is going on with a close friend of mine I think is affecting me. Although I cant seem to pull up text messaging online with sprint and thats the only thing that keeps me from letting this go.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Blind trust is the same as complacent denial and has no place in a marriage. 

What you should learn from your friend's experience is that you should ALWAYS be vigilant in order to protect your marriage. Don't wait until there are huge red flags waving in front of you that your marriage is in danger, start investigating your wife's whereabouts.

Don't fall into the trap that many of us men do in believing that just because we don't have any conflict with our wives or that our sex lives with them is great, that they are incapable of having an affair.

There are different types of affairs ranging from the ONS to the exit affair, but they all have 3 things in common:

1. Violation of marital boundaries. i.e. talking about personal issues, spending excessive time communicating, spending time alone, and sharing feelings with a person other than ones spouse.

2. Secrecy, i.e. creating passwords for secret email accounts, telephones, and social media sites.

3. Deception. i.e. lying about the nature of the relationship with another person, lying about ones whereabouts, etc.

I highly recommend that you and your wife read Dr Shirley Glass book *Not Just Friends* for it shows how even happily married people can fall into affairs IF they violate marital boundaries. It is a MUST read for all married couples who want to avoid falling into an affair and the utter devastation that it brings.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Blind trust is lazy ambivalence. It is not caring enough to protect the relationship.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Keep quiet, for now---cuz if you are wrong, you will stir up a hornet's nest----start monitering here vigilantly---computer, cellphone----hours she keeps, how many times out with GF's---change in habits OF ANY KIND, including dress, and bodyshape---check her spending----her hours of coming and going---her CC expenditures----keep a close eye on everything


I wish I had this advice when my wife was out partying. It will help a lot. I would HIGHLY advise having someone observe her behavior at the meat markets. PI would be best. A friend of a friend if you can't afford one.

Just out of curiosity, how open is she about what goes on at the bars? Does she talk about the men that hit on her? Does she continue to party with them after she knows they just want to screw her? Does she meet a lot of men? Party with them? How late does she get home? Is she especially horny when she gets back from a GNO?


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Blind trust is lazy ambivalence. It is not caring enough to protect the relationship.



I have a slightly different take on the desirability of protecting a relationship. I really do not think I wouuld like having to prevent my wife from cheating. That desire should come from within her, IMO.
But, I do agree one should not have blind trust. For me, not trusting would be to protect myself, and my time, and my health etc


----------



## OldSchool (Nov 3, 2011)

Investigate. Check out the computer browsing history. Also maybe do some internet searches on her friends, make sure nobody is showing up in any of those Dancing Bear videos. 

20 years ago I'd consider a girl's night out to be innocent, but these days, things just keep getting weirder.

Women have their intuition but so do men, we call it "a hunch" or "gut instinct" It's really just your subconscious making connections that you are consciously not.

Don't assume she's cheating on you though, but getting a little more info about where she's going wouldn't hurt. "Hey honey, how was the night out? Oh yeah? Where'd you go? Maybe we could check it out sometime." Don't go too deep or it will turn into an interrogation, believe me, if she starts getting evasive about simple questions about what restaurant they went to or some such then that's a good indicator that something isn't right.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I tried inviting myself on her "friend's night out". I was, unceremoniously, told "they would not like you". Yes, I am sure he would not have.


----------



## marriedmanw2kids (Nov 2, 2011)

MrK said:


> Just out of curiosity, how open is she about what goes on at the bars? Does she talk about the men that hit on her? Does she continue to party with them after she knows they just want to screw her? Does she meet a lot of men? Party with them? How late does she get home? Is she especially horny when she gets back from a GNO?


She has only gone out a couple of times and she told me about getting hit on once and sent them packing. I have went other times with them and they have invited spouses so I'm not that concerned about the going out. She has only gone out three times and I went once. I have went through cell phones, emails, fb etc. and found nothing though. I am just hung up on the texting which isnt alot though


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> I have a slightly different take on the desirability of protecting a relationship. I really do not think I wouuld like having to prevent my wife from cheating. That desire should come from within her, IMO.
> But, I do agree one should not have blind trust. For me, not trusting would be to protect myself, and my time, and my health etc


It has to do with monitoring the relationship and any risky activities and not the overt desire to cheat. It is more to monitor for possible poachers than anything else. 

In my case my wife saw that I was falling into and EA, intervened and kept me from making further mistakes. I had no intention of cheating.

Poachers have Approach Anxiety. If they sense that the mate is not monitoring they are emboldened and start playing the kino escalation of breaking down barriers. If they know that the husband is watching things they may just move on to easier prey.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> I tried inviting myself on her "friend's night out". I was, unceremoniously, told "they would not like you". Yes, I am sure he would not have.


Oh my!!!

That is not good at all.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

marriedmanw2kids said:


> she told me about getting hit on once and sent them packing.


That's EXACTLY what my wife told me. Once. Unless your wife is a cow, I find that nearly imposible to believe. Sorry to keep hijacking posts with my issue. Just watch out that these nights don't get to be more and more common. If they do, you may find that the transparency declines as well.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

When a woman has a hunch H is cheating, 70% of case, it turned out true. When a man has a hunch, it turned out more like 50%, which still is pretty high. 

Most likely it is nothing, but better be safe than sorry. I would plant a VAR in her seat and install keylogger in her PC. This is the least you should do to alleviate your fear. Even if it turned out nothing, it should help put your mind at ease.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Also, one of the key symptoms of A is the sudden change in sexual behavior of spouse. So, your W suddenly has higher sex drive is definitely a red flag. Just so you know.


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

would love for it to be the case that everything is a-ok in your marriage. 

i think best approach (if you don't want to have to spy) is to have a heart-to-heart and talk about marital and personal boundaries and find out where her's are and that she understands yours.

i would also try to find a way to change the nature of GNO's. From all that I've read, they usually start out innocently enough - but all it takes it too much drinking, too much flirting, too much exposure to those brain chemicals firing off while away from the marriage partner and *BOOM* oops! i slept with X, Y, and Z, etc, etc.....

in this heart-to-heart, it wouldn't hurt to mention that while on the subject, is there anything or any situation that she might poo poo as being unimportant that she'd like to mention, just in case to have openess in the marriage. mention its easier to come clean before things get out of hand, rather than waiting for after...


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats the thing here, this infidelity crap starts out slow and sneaks up on both the wayward and the loyal.

I see nothong wrong with acting on your friends sitch and taking a good look at some new boundries and what you expact out of a spouse. 

Remember you can't control here so don't try. These boundies I talk about or for you. These are the walls you put up to protect you from getting hurt and the marriage you want to protect.

It will always be her choice to either except your boundries or move on with out you and with out her marriage. 

My question would be what are her boundries? What doese she sees as exceptable and healthy behaviors for a spouse?

Flirtation and GNO (guys night out/girls night out) should be re examined, and the impact they have on the marriage.

Bottom line take a hard look at your marriage and thank your friend for sharing and confiding in you about his unfortinate curcumstance. A lesson to be learned by both you and your wife.


----------

