# SO bored...SO patient....at my wits end...need advice



## TNX (Mar 4, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 16 years...married for 8 years. He is 12 years older than me - we met when I was 19 years old. We have two children ages 8 and 2.

We both work full time....when we started out he was the breadwinner and now that I'm older we make around the same amount of money. I most times make more as he gets laid off quite a bit due to him working in Construction. As a family we're great! He's a great father and I'm a dedicated mother. We do everything together as a family. I oversee our children's education, extracurricular activities, sports, etc. He is very laid back and goes with the flow.

We have a history of relationship drama...here's one of the big issues. He is so boring to me...he has no interest in doing anything with me. He's content with doing nothing together with me. I suggest fun things for us to do together and he shows no interest. He's always sayings it's a lack of money. I've had it. I've started to create my own personal life with friends just to have a little fun outside of the kids, work, etc. He won't even take me to the movies or celebrate my birthday. It's like he's just given up on enjoying life. He works, comes home, deals with the kids and that's it. He has no friends, no life, nothing. This has been going on for a few years now. In the industry that I work in causes me to have some sort of social life and I soak it all in.

There is alot more to this....but what should i do? He's a great father and responsible husband. But we dont have a relationship and he can be very angry, aggressive and somewhat resentful towards me.


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## lovinmyhubby223 (Jan 31, 2012)

If there is anger, aggression, and resentfulness then he has deeper issues that are causing his withdrawal. 

I would suggest marriage counseling unless you’re the type of couple who can talk candidly about anything. I mean really be honest with each other without it causing a fight or hard feelings. If you do not communicate on that level then I would seek professional help.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

He sounds depressed to me. And, he needs to understand how important it is to you that you feel important to him. For both of these reason, he should go to counseling. Individual counseling for him and possibly medication should he and his doctor or therapist find it necessary, and also marriage counseling for you both to work on your differences that affect you emotionally and your relationship.

Did you really need someone to suggest counseling? You have likely considered it yourself, so why has it not happened yet?


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## TNX (Mar 4, 2012)

Thanks...a few years ago we did try counseling. We only stopped because of scheduling conflicts with the kids. At this point I agree in that counseling is the only way. I definitely think that he should received individual counseling as well. The last time I brought up counseling he did say that he didn't want to go...but I think he said this out of anger. I do think that he is depressed over finances. He's not the same man I met and married.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Men get in a rut sometimes and your husband sounds like he is not happy with his job. But at the same time he needs to work to pay bills so he has no choice. He probably knows you are not satisfied with him in some way or another, and that just beats him down more. IC will help some but it sounds like he needs a career change and a wife who doesn't frown on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Your husband may be going through a phase where he thinks that his life is just work, kids and home. Have you tried asking him what is wrong with him having fun once in a while. I think it may help both of you if you sat down and asked him what the problem is and why he feels that he cant have any fun with you, try getting rid of the kids and have a night in get the ball rolling.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I feel your pain as I'm engaged to a man like this. He's a wonderful man, works his butt off at a demanding job 14-16 hours a day and takes great pride in taking care of his family. In addition he's a wonderful father to his two children who I love almost like my own and whom I'm looking forward to being their future step mom.

The problem is the same as yours though..he bores me to tears!! I moved out there last February so that we could start our life together and shortly after that we became engaged. I wanted a long engagement in order to plan our wedding and to make sure that after all our so called "wrappers" came off, that this was indeed what we all wanted for the rest of our lives. The kids love me dearly and I love them. My fiance tells me he loves me more and more everyday..and I him.

Living out there with him bored me to tears though and I felt useless. I couldn't find a job, we had no social life, he has no friends outside work (says everybody down there are a bunch of losers and ********..), and on his days off, we'd do a little shopping and then come home and he'd crawl into the intenet while I sat on the other side of his desk and yammered about stupid things while he pretended to listen...while surfing the net. I spoke to him about these things and of course, everything is black or white to him and he told me, "Fine..I won't go on the internet anymore!!" as I explained to him that that's not what I wanted and was only asking him to curtail it on his nights off.

That went over like a lead balloon!!

Eventually Christmastime came. My dad is elderly and my fiance was sweet enough to suggest that I go back home and spend the holidays with my dad. It would have been our first holiday together but my dad is getting up there in years, so I took his advice and came back home.

I've been home since December and really have no desire to go back out to live in the apartment my fiance and I share simply because I just feel plain useless there. Before I left I cleaned our apartment from top to bottom, put up a Christmas Tree for him, and hung some stockings on the fireplace mantel so that he'd have something nice to come home to. In addition, I bought some new bedding and made the bed look like it came out of a magazine along with fixing up the spare bathroom and lighting some candles to surprise him when he came home a few hours later. It tore my heart out to leave him alone at Christmas..yet I knew being with my dad during the holidays was more important as my fiance told me we'd have the rest of our lives to be together.

He said he was really happy that I did that and appreciated it, yet two days later on his days off he told me he was "cleaning". I asked him why he needed to clean since I'd left the place pretty spotless, but he went on to say that when HE vacuumed, he picked up 5 vacuum cleaner things full of dog hair (that I supposedly missed, I guess), scrubbed the kitchen and both bathroom floors (which I'd done also..but I guess not good enough), rewashed some towels I'd washed IN Tide..along with using that extra smelly stuff so they smelled really good when I took them out of the wash. Anyway..he said they stunk (as I roll my eyes..). So much for trying to make the place look and smell great for him. In addition, when he opened some of his present from me, I'd bought him a really nice candle (one of his favorite scents that I'd looked all over the net for)..he opened it and said, "Is this some kind of a joke? A candle???" Thank goodness he liked the jeans I bought him or I would have really felt like I struck out present wise.

Everyone's got their vices and sometimes blatant honesty is one of his.

Granted, I miss him like crazy yet again, he works all the time five days a week and needs his sleep so when he's sleeping, I usually crawl in next to him for a few hours and then get up and make his lunch, do some laundry, a little housework, etc. By 5 he's out the door and working 12-16 hours again. After his cleaning rampage..I really got to the point of feeling like, "What the heck am I good for out there??"

We look forward to his days off, but again, it's the same old same old. We get up..do a little shopping, come home, I unpack the groceries while he surfs the net. I do a little laundry and some cleaning while he surfs the net and eventually I sit down in my chair across from his computer desk and try to make a little conversation with him while he multi-tasks. What a thrill!!

Eventually I get tired of rambling and head off to the bedroom to read a book or something and he eventually comes to bed. Before too long he's sleeping.

I get the fact that he's tired and I would be too if I worked those kinds of hours. I know he hates his job as he has a lot of responsiblity there being one of the head honchos....I just hate the way he treats me like an employee sometimes and nothing I ever do is ever good enough....something that needs to be fixed BEFORE we get married as I won't put up with being married to a man that treats me like I'm less than he is.

So anyway, I'm sitting back here in our home state planning our wedding, taking care of my dad, and doing things that need to be done. It's not that I don't want to be out by my fiance as I love him to pieces, but right now..the way his life is, I really was starting to feel like I wasn't part of the equation at all and even considered again, calling the wedding off.

Well, we got some good news the other day and it looks like he'll be getting transferred back to our home state for his job. We couldn't be happier!! We're hoping to be able to buy my dad's home and in addition, with being closer to his kids, we'll be able to see more of them also.

I'm hoping that this is a step in the right direction as I honestly think things happen for a reason. With him working, I'll be able to do the things I need to do regarding our wedding, spend time with friends, family and the kids. Hopefully, on his days off, we'll be able to find some good quality time to spend together, again, spend time with the kids, along with hanging out with good people every now and then. In addition, hopefully this transfer will leave him in a better mood on a daily basis.

Hopefully God has big plans for us with this transfer and he'll be a happier guy in the long run as now he's such a grump. I know he hates his job but he brings it home. I'm a very happy go lucky person and I hate having to apologize to him everytime I'm in a good mood even though he says he likes it. Sure wish he'd show it.

Please keep your fingers crossed for us!!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> Men get in a rut sometimes and your husband sounds like he is not happy with his job. But at the same time he needs to work to pay bills so he has no choice. He probably knows you are not satisfied with him in some way or another, and that just beats him down more. IC will help some but it sounds like he needs a career change and a wife who doesn't frown on him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While probably not very PC around here, I was going to echo these sentiments.


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