# You Weighed 105lbs When I Met You...



## DisappointedHusband

Ladies/Wives maybe you can help me get my mind around a wife of 8.5 years gaining 30lbs in all the wrong places (belly). My wife, two years older than me (32), had always been short and petite, but around the 4 year mark of our relationship, the weight gained started.

I'm not trying to be inconsiderate, but I'm simply no longer sexually attracted to her and has contributed to sex about 1.5/month. 

Initially, the weight gained started with a depression that onset after her not being able to find employment that would both satisfied her need for accomplishment and contribution to the family finances. I can understand the onset of weight gained due to this or whatever it may have been, but I see no effort to loose it and it is always a sore topic of discussion, so we never address the elephant (her at this point) in the room and it carries over into other areas of the relationship.

Just a note, she has a job (low paying), but not pertaining to her degree or her passion, so she definitely still has a void. 

I guess what I am looking for is the magic key that will get her proactive about her weight and want to look sexy and cute for me again. 

I guess it's only fair to mention she did have twin girls almost two years ago, but the issue started well before the birth of our girls. I would say 25lbs of the 30lbs was before the birth. 

I've tried gym passes, transforming spare bedroom into home gym, diet pills and supplements, outdoor activities, getting myself in better shape to induce a want to look better too, but she never has time to fit exercise or diet controls into her daily schedule. She is a clean-a-holic by the way, but as much as she is always running around the house cleaning (I clean too), it does nothing to assist in her weight loss. Another note: she has developed chicken legs, her *only weight gain is in her belly and back. 
* Basically the gain of weight is not proportionately placed.

She looks just like her mother, but her mother is more active and in better shape than her, lol. 

Not to sound crude, but I can no longer look at her without clothes on.

Ladies, advice please...


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## CallaLily

Wow complaints about weight and her LOW PAYING job, and you also say she has chicken legs... what are you with her for? If you say its love, then see past some of the flaws and be more accepting.

Bottom line some people are serverly obese and some people have no job at all. Practice more gratitude would be my suggestion.


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## deejov

Pay for plastic surgery, so she can look like the barbie doll you married, since it's so very important to you.

Yes, I know men are visual and for you it is important. I don't have to agree with it, but that's how you are.

So fix it. Reality is some women never lose the belly after having babies, especially twins. Too much expanding has gone on to carry two babies where one was meant to be. Medical fact. Might be nothing exercise can take care of. Seriously. Surgery would fix YOUR problem very nicely. Because it is YOUR problem.


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## tacoma

Damn, that's a rough OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DisappointedHusband

Judgement of the way I'm looking at this issue for me isn't what I am seeking out. Me being an enabler isn't either. 

It sounds harsh and maybe it is, but I do love her and I have lost the "in love" affection and the passion that accompanies. 

I'm also not worried about the obese, if I wanted to marry an "obese" I would have and by no means is my wife obese, but all physical attraction towards her has gone away.


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## Therealbrighteyes

You wrote that your wife is an elephant and then moan in another post that you don't have sex as often as you want. Chew on that for a bit and then get back to me.


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## deejov

Naw, Judgement is not what I wish to spread. I don't agree with your point of view, but that is who you are. So how can you fix it? Physical attraction for you must means weight. I'm saying she might likely have to have surgery, after twins. Is that something you can afford to do? if not, be aware that any amount of exercise or diet might not cure the problem.


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## trey69

If you have lost attraction for her I guess there is nothing you can do, you just feel the way you feel. 

It will have to be up to her if she wants to change the way she looks. I'm not sure if she is ok with how she sees herself or not, but it seems you are not. Best thing to do, until or IF she decides she wants to change things, you either accept her for who she is or you divorce her if your attraction has gone for her.

If the loss of attraction for her outweighs that of how you feel about her in other areas of the relationship, then yes do her and yourself a favor and divorce her.

If you want to do what someone else suggested and pay for her to have some surgery, then tell her just that. Tell her you are willing to pay for her some surgery for her belly etc, that she no longer looks the way she used to and see what she says.


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## Endgame

Wow, my first thought was, what a shallow and selfish man! If looks are the most important thing to you, then you are by no means marriage material. You should have stayed single and jumped from one woman to another when she became no longer attractive to you. Marriage requires much more from an individual than just looking hot and sexy for a spouse. The first and foremost is to love the other unconditionally, and treat each other with respect. Something that I have found to be sorely missing in this day and time. Now that you have opened the door of negativity towards your wife, those energies will flow from here on out until you realize that there's more to a woman than just the outer beauty. She senses your negative thoughts and that will make her feel even more undesirable, plus she's got two children now that's she's probably doing the bulk of the care! If you haven't recognized it or not, two year old children can be extremely stressful on the caretaker, usually the mom for the most part. So, if you can't show an ounce of compassion towards the lovely woman you married and the one who blessed you with two beautiful children, then I suggest you go get your head examined. You can decide which head I'm writing about! ;-)


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## DisappointedHusband

It's complicated to say the least. And the issue of weight gain is the elephant in the room for my wife and I. Sex has suffered to a point that it is almost non-existent. 

And I am a guy, simple, I want and need sex and as a husband I'm at my end. I do not get it and now I'm too the point in which I actually do not want it.


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## okeydokie

wow, seems like th OP struck a nerve on this one. getting flamed pretty badly. im guessing there are more diplomatic ways to convey a response than some of these. i was just thinking of another thread where a woman got lit up by a few of the male members and she got alot of defense from the ladies. this one really isnt any different, but yet its seems to be ok.


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## Jamison

My suggestion, let her read your post here, then she can decide how attractive you are to her. 

I understand if you feel frustrated by her lack of trying or interest, but you really do come across as its all about you and how its affecting you. Maybe she has been affected with your outlook about her. Depression and stress can play a factor in weight gain as well. It can also be a factor in putting forth the effort to actually lose it. 


As far as you losing interest to have sex with her due to her weight, maybe if she has lost interest too, it could be due to your attitude. I guess it works both ways.


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## Jamison

okeydokie said:


> wow, seems like th OP struck a nerve on this one. getting flamed pretty badly. im guessing there are more diplomatic ways to convey a response than some of these. i was just thinking of another thread where a woman got lit up by a few of the male members and she got alot of defense from the ladies. this one really isnt any different, but yet its seems to be ok.



Advice or suggestions for the OP?


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## DisappointedHusband

In general this is the type of response I was expecting. 

Trey I think the attraction could be regained, but my issue is: how to invoke a desire to want to feel attractive to her husband again. I don't think that is unreasonable. 

Plastic surgery was actually a humorous yet sad way that we actually referred or talked about her weight gain. I have not thought about it seriously, and wouldn't want to change her through plastic surgery. So, no plastic surgery.

The idea is how to approach her in a new way to encourage her that I would like her to loose weight because it is important to me. I'm not trying to be brash and unloving, but the weight gain is a systemic issue for our relationship even if you approach it as being MY issue.


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## deejov

That's a terrible place to be in.

There isn't much you can do to force someone to change. 
so what can you do?
You do have the power to change yourself.
You do have the capability to consider that you could open your heart and ask for advice on how to appreciate your wife's inner beauty.

I say this because this situation may repeat itself in the future. 

No matter where you end up.. or with who... attaching visual beauty in the way you have will always be the elephant. It is not attainable long term. 

A younger thinner version will attract you more.. until she as well gets older and doesn't satisfy your visual needs. 

Yes, she could try harder. I have no advice on how you could motivate her to do so, as you don't like to look at her naked and I don't see a way out of that. Normally, if she is feeling confident that you do love her and find her desirable as a person.. she'd be more open to doing it for health reasons or energy. At this point... it sounds like she might feel that your love is conditional. Only unless she looks a certain way. That is not attainable long term, so why bother? That's harsh.


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## okeydokie

Jamison said:


> Advice or suggestions for the OP?


dont post weight related topics in the ladies lounge


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## Jellybeans

Good one, Okey LOL


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## trey69

okeydokie said:


> dont post weight related topics in the ladies lounge


Men and women both are replying. And some men and women feel the same on the topic.


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## okeydokie

look, this is a hot button topic because it requires someone else to do something. whether its weight gain, smoking, drug/alch abuse, hoarding, porn, etc.. it is an affront to the other person. the offender has to want to change it. if they dont, the non-offending spouse usually ends up giving up and doing other things that further seperates the relationship. 

i really do not know what to advise. i have had a similar issue for years (not weight gain) which requires my wife to put forth a strong effort to change, and she just wont do it.


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## okeydokie

trey69 said:


> Men and women both are replying. And some men and women feel the same on the topic.


yeah, i know, it was a joke. what if one spouse stopped showering, would that be ok? is that something that should be tolerated for intimacy just because you love them?


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## trey69

DisappointedHusband said:


> Trey I think the attraction could be regained, but my issue is: how to invoke a desire to want to feel attractive to her husband again. I don't think that is unreasonable.


Ok, but what are you bringing to the table in the marriage to help create that change? 

You very well may come across to her one way and to people here another, thats what I'm saying. If you come across to her the way you have here, thats probably not helping. Hopefully you are more different in your words with her, then again maybe what you said here is what she needs to hear. It might inject some motivation from her, but maybe not. 

Like deejov said, you will need to work on yourself and let her work on her. If she chooses not to for whatever reason, then there is still nothing you can do, some things are beyond your control.


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## DisappointedHusband

Jamison you are most correct about the attitude. I find myself constantly irritated with small things that she does, and I know that has a direct impact on our relationship. And yes there are other issues with our relationship, but this is one major that I think would address or help other areas. 

And yes this is about me, this is a selfish post in a sense but only because I know if I do not actively try and save or address these issues more aggressively then the ultimatum would be divorce.

I see a path in which things can change for the both of us, but I do not know how to get her to see it. And please don't be so crass to think I haven't tried other resources or approaches. Just simply didn't work.


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## Therealbrighteyes

okeydokie said:


> yeah, i know, it was a joke. what if one spouse stopped showering, would that be ok? is that something that should be tolerated for intimacy just because you love them?


The reason people took offense is not because of the subject matter, it was the way he described her. "She's the elephant in the room, "low paying job", "chicken legs". I mean seriously, you don't see the difference?

As to the OP, a person has to want to change...you can't force them. You either accept that or get out.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Holy crap, I'm so very grateful my husband does think/act like you. I broke my neck over 3 years ago. I did gain 30 pounds after 2 years and NOT once did my husband say anything or find me unattractive. I'm disabled with severe chronic pain and I can only walk short distances. It takes me all day with lots of breaks just to get the housework done. I do everything to my best ability without complaining. Somedays nothing gets done when the pain is unbearable. My husband is by my side doing everything to make me feel better.

I use to run 36 miles every week. 6 miles a day, 6 days a week and sometimes 7 days a week. I biked and swam on top of running. I use to race in triathlons. I was very thin and toned in all the right places. My husband is a great triathlete and races in ironmans. He's extremely athletic.

I have lost 20 of those 30 pounds. I eat very healthy and my husband truly loves me regardless what I look like. He is very attracted to me! He tells me how nice I look/how attractive I am and shows it just about everyday. He's never turned me down for sex, ever. Recently we make love/have sex 5-6 days a week and it's out of this world fabulous! My hubby snuggles with me every night and holds my hand. He tells me at least once a day he loves me, usually more.

It's merely impossible to keep the same body shape as we age. Our metabolism slows and the weight is very hard to maintain. Especially, if your disabled as I am. I'm only in my mid-thirties. I thank God everyday for my husband. Also, the last 13 years of being together he ALWAYS puts my needs before his.

Maybe you need to reevaluate your thinking and the way you treat your wife. I'm not trying to be mean, but you seem a bit shallow to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov

Your other post... about having to cross the DMZ to North Korea to get her to have sex with you, it takes a lot of effort. I'm not sure if you changed your mind since yesterday (this post is more about just not wanting to have sex with her at all because of how she looks) is prompting me to ask you a direct question....

Yesterday, you mentioned she turns you down a lot, so you've stopped asking or trying so hard. Is this part of the issue?

Honestly, are you mentally coming up with an excuse? 

Want to share?


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## that_girl

Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com


Only if she is up to it and motivated. It's easy and you aren't really on a diet.


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## DisappointedHusband

Thank you for the responses. I know I may have not chosen the best way to describe my issue, but it is what it is. 

For the ladies that mention a reevaluation of my character and projecting my wants and desire upon my wife, I am and have, hence the posts. It's not about choosing the most appropriate words as to not offend any of the readers or ladies out there.


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## deejov

This is what you posted yesterday...

I'm always the initiator and I'm tired of it. I stopped trying about 6 months ago and she seems to be semi-fine with that meaning she is still not initiating, but now I get more of the "you don't think I'm cute anymore" or "you used to be so romantic." 

The first year or two of our marriage, there wasn't any complaints. Then it started to take more and more time to make my intents known and for her to "give in" or reject and roll over to sleep (usually mad that I tried to have sex with her). 

I'm very sexual and have had to resort to manual stimulation to ward off my needs in hopes not to "inconvenience" her into having sex.

I can understand that if you have been refused a lot, you are going to go into defense mode. And deny her as well. 

If that's what is happening, it's easy to do. I've done it myself.
But truly re-connecting and finding out why she has gone cold in the first place would be a good start. 

I'm not truly convinced that you don't find your wife attractive. What you find unattractive is that she has been denying you sex, and making it clear she isn't interested in you. 

Take a moment to think about why you love your wife.


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## expatforlife

Of all the couples I know those that work-out together are more successful in weight loss and toning up. Hire a trainer to train you both either at the gym or your house.


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## DisappointedHusband

The DMZ is there almost every night. It comes in different forms: being asleep already, or having a ache of some sort, tired, or just want to cuddle (all cuddling wants to end in sex for the guy). I'm fine with all of those being natural and regular in a progressive relationship, just not to the excessive extent in which it has become. 

Am I physically attractive to her? I think physically yes, but is that enough to be sexually attractive, I do not think so. We have had tensions between us concerning these topics, which further reinforces the DMZ. I am not suggesting this is a one sided issue. 

So, to answer you question, yes I am coming up with a mental construct to try to understand what is occurring and how I might go about addressing and moving forward. 

And I do think weight gain can be the underlying issue and not think it is something deeper (not saying there isn't some of that either, but...). I do not think I should have to "learn" to see the inner beauty and accept the outer shell as utilitarian. 

My wife is a wonderful mother and and a great person. As a husband and wife we need work. The weight is one of my main issues. And no I do not insult my wife or call her names, although she inevitably knows I would like her to loose some weight, it's no secret.


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## Catherine602

OP I think she is getting the lions share of sympathy because we recognize from afar how much she is struggling. To summorize- she is unable to find employment in a field for which she is trained and has a passion, she had a difficult pregnancy and is the mother of twins, she suffers depression and exhusion as a mother and working woman and she has to deal with a self centered, contemptuous hushand. 

She needs help with the twins, her depression and job dissatisfaction but she is on her own there. She may be as disappointed as you are because she had the bad luck to get a man who is so immature that he spends their limited resources to put in a gym to benifit him and not to pay a babysitter to take the load off of his wife or a cleaning person to help around the house or any number of things to lighten her burden. 

You have a right to feel what you feel, if pitite thin woman are your sexual turn on then there is not much you can do to change that. You can change the way you are going about solving your lack of attraction to your wife. Get out of your own head and put yourself out to do what you need to do as a man to relieve her burden. When she gets back to 105 lbs, is she unlikely to want to have sex with a man who called her names and treated her with contempt. If I were her I'd lose the wieght get in shape and treat you with the same contempt and hostility that you gave me. 

Right now she may be giving you as much as she can, she may not see looking pretty for you as worth the effort. I wouldn't if my husband were self- centered and felt entitled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily

Have you calmly asked her why she doesn't or want to try lose weight? Have you asked her why she isn't interested in sex? Have you asked her if she feels depressed, etc? Have you really even asked her how she feels period? 

If so, what has she told you?


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## DisappointedHusband

You ladies sure have an imagination and quick to assumptions. 

Firstly, Mrs. Catherine, I am a great father and I am actively highly involved with my girls. The home gym was an effort to address the issue, didn't work, so now I'm trying another approach or at least trying to figure one out. 

She is not on her own and yeah she might feel pressured to find something due to the length in which her underemployment has been. This would be the same if it were the guy, only I would be a dead beat dad with no job. I truly want her to do what she says she wants to do, but something is keeping her from doing it. Excuses for everything. 

We do not like babysitter actually, but we have a family friend that provides care when needed. For the right person, maybe I would consider a live-in helper or weekly caregiver, but I highly doubt my wife would. I've offered cleaning services in the past to take some of the burden off, but she is rightly so hesitant because of safety and security. 

And to note, not only did I personally renovate and install a home gym, I surprised her with a home studio that was intended to inspire her business ideas or just a place for her to get away and read, her space. This wasn't hired out either, I did it because I thought it would help and I wanted to do something special for her from me. 

Maybe I should have just asked the question: how to get your wife to want to loose weight? without the background and personal issue.


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## DisappointedHusband

CallaLily said:


> Have you calmly asked her why she doesn't or want to try lose weight? Have you asked her why she isn't interested in sex? Have you asked her if she feels depressed, etc? Have you really even asked her how she feels period?
> 
> If so, what has she told you?


Yes, we have discussed these issues many times, well the depression issue we haven't in years, but that is because it seemed to go away when we moved four years ago and definitely when we had the twins two years ago. But you know maybe she just doesn't have time to be depressed, maybe it is a topic that we should address again. Thanks

And time is usually the answer to the other questions. She never has time, she keeps herself busy cleaning. She has turned me into a cleaner as well, because I feel guilty if I want to relax because she doesn't allow herself to relax. There is always something to clean. (Maid service business, now there's an idea). 

Gotta go, spending too much time on this forum and not enough time completely her list for me to do on my day off.


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## Jamison

Hard to say why she has checked out of the marriage, it sure seems thats what has happened. Could be due to a number of things. 

Bottom line here is, after you have tried all you can, if you are completely tired of it all, and she has made no effort regardless of whats going on with her, you will at some point need to make a decision. Stay or go. If you stay then accept it for what it is and live your life. If you can't accept it, then present her with the proper papers.


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## Laurae1967

Both partners in a marriage, above all else, want to be loved and accepted for who they are. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman. That is a fundemental need in a marriage.

I think it is honest to admit that you have lost attraction to your wife, but I don't think that it is accurate to say that your loss of attraction is caused solely due to her weight gain. I think it is EASY to blame the weight, but it's not helpful to you to buy into something that is probably not fully accurate.

I believe that attraction is based on a number of variables that are above and beyond physical looks. I think how WE feel about ourselves impacts attraction. I think our values, beliefs about marriage, our childhood and a whole host of other factors impact what we find attractive. And what we find attractive CHANGES throughout our lives.

I would strongly encourage you to focus on YOURSELF. You sound like you have not been a supportive, accepting husband. Did you know that many women use food for comfort when they aren't getting their needs met at home? I am not saying your wife's weight gain is your fault, but I think you have a role to play in creating a more loving, accepting marital environment.

You have said that "you" have tried diet pills, diets, exercise, etc. to get your wife to lose weight. You say you have joked with her about getting surgery. You should know that EVERY woman I know would be extremely hurt, turned off, and resentful of her husband if he said those things to her.

Learning how to love and accept your wife starts with you learning how to love and accept yourself and all of the physical and behavioral imperfections you have. Often men who have unrealistic and unforgiving standards for their wives have inrealistic and unforgiving standards for themselves. I think this is the work you need to do.

If you started just loving your wife, being affectionate, forgiving, and ACCEPTING of where she is right now, you would be getting more sex, she would probably feel a lot less miserable with you (trust me, she dislikes you right now....with good reason), and would probably be inspired to live a healthier life. And you can watch the kids while she goes to the gym, goes out with friends for coffee or the movies, and can make dinner and clean up for the kids while she takes an art class in the evening. That's when you know she's happy.....and that you are being loving and accepting.


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## deejov

Sorry we are being so hard on you.

I have a picture in my mind now.... of your wife losing weight and becoming a hot momma. And still saying no to you. 

I can understand this too.


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## Jamison

DisappointedHusband said:


> Gotta go, spending too much time on this forum and not enough time completely her list for me to do on my day off.



This speaks volumes. Not about her but about you. I think its apparent why she has checked out. Anyway, good luck to ya.


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## LBG

Wow! I hope you never go bald, gain weight, or get some type of physical disability because your wife may just become as shallow as you are. I'd be devestated if my husband did the things you have done and feel horrible about my image. Maybe you should try to compliment her and build up her self esteem that I'm sure you've seriously hurt at this moment. Get your connection back and then start doing activities together that will motivate her. The trick is you need to do it with her while encouraging her. If you are not building up her self esteem then forget it, she'll continue to be depressed and not lose the weight. Have you asked her if she's happy with her body? Because if she's happy then that's all that matters! You'll move on when she gets older for a 18 year old I can see that now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DisappointedHusband

something to think about


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## Deejo

Don't know what you expected for input by posting this in the Ladies Lounge, but this topic is common ... as are the responses.

More threads discussing Weight Gain
This particular thread had a wide range of input on the matter: Obesity and Marriage.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Deejo said:


> Don't know what you expected for input by posting this in the Ladies Lounge, but this topic is common ... as are the responses.
> 
> More threads discussing Weight Gain
> This particular thread had a wide range of input on the matter: Obesity and Marriage.


For me it wasn't the subject matter. I have no issue with wanting a spouse to be attractive.....it was the wording he chose that prickled me. I think others felt the same way.


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## Deejo

Therealbrighteyes said:


> For me it wasn't the subject matter. I have no issue with wanting a spouse to be attractive.....it was the wording he chose that prickled me. I think others felt the same way.


Yes. Prickly topic and prickly words. I'm just here to unprickle that which prickles.


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## SadSamIAm

I was 180 when I met my wife. I was a college athlete and very active.

Fast forward almost 30 years and I am now 216. I am 6' tall, so not a total tubby, but I am overweight. I know my wife would like me to lose weight. It is difficult when you have an office job and are busy with children at night. I know I need to exercise more.

About 6 months ago, I made a deal with my wife that she would invite me home for an afternoon of sex for every 10 pounds I lost. She agreed to the deal and I worked my ass off and lost 10 pounds in about 3 weeks. She never invited me home for sex. It pissed me off at the time, but it was a while ago and I have gotten over it. But I have lost my motivation and have gained back the weight. If you know my story (wife never initiates and needs a push to get into it) I should have just booked the appointment with her and showed up.

My point is maybe you can make a deal with her for something that is real important to her, that will give her motivation. (maybe sex for her, or new furniture or clothes or something). 

I keep thinking that if I could find the motivation to drop 30lbs, that I would be able to exercise and watch my diet enough to keep it off.


PS ... Didn't you know that your wife was going to eventually look like her mother??? I thought that was a given.


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## CallaLily

Therealbrighteyes said:


> For me it wasn't the subject matter. I have no issue with wanting a spouse to be attractive.....it was the wording he chose that prickled me. I think others felt the same way.


Same for me. Sometimes its not the content but the way it comes across. And yes I can say that if it were a woman that came here saying her husband had chicken legs, and had gained weight, if she came across the same way as in this thread, I would grill her too.


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## Laurae1967

SadSamIAm said:


> My point is maybe you can make a deal with her for something that is real important to her, that will give her motivation. (maybe sex for her, or new furniture or clothes or something).


If you think this type of thing would work for a woman, you don't know women very well.

Motivation for most things must be INTRINSIC (coming from within) in order to be effective and long-lasting. 

A woman will rarely have the INTRINSIC desire to lose weight if she is married to an unaccepting, judgemental husband. Same could be said for a wife who is like this.


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## Laurae1967

CallaLily said:


> Same for me. Sometimes its not the content but the way it comes across. And yes I can say that if it were a woman that came here saying her husband had chicken legs, and had gained weight, if she came across the same way as in this thread, I would grill her too.


:iagree: The harsh way the OP talked about his wife is telling, me thinks.


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## DisappointedHusband

I welcome the comments from all. I have taken some of the criticism with an open mind. 

I posted this in the "ladies lounge" expecting criticism. With that said, my "harsh" manner is more indicative of the urgency in which I find our marriage, not so much representative of the way I treat or think about my wife. I came here so that I could speak more open in descriptive or "harsh" terminology, because quite frankly I would be a mad man to do so in front of my wife (you kidding me). 

So, to those that were offended like I mentioned before it is what it is and not necessarily what you read it to be. I love my wife and I want to be physically attracted to her and her to want to be physically attractive to me. This is something we both must work on in one way or another. 

These quick emotional responses are the very reason many husbands find it difficult to bring up sensitive issues to their wives, I'm just saying...


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## Therealbrighteyes

DisappointedHusband said:


> These quick emotional responses are the very reason many husbands find it difficult to bring up sensitive issues to their wives, I'm just saying...


Most husbands aren't boorish enough to refer to their wives as elephants. Nearly anything can be said, it's how/the way you say it that makes all the difference. Please don't infer that we women are just too darn sensitive to this issue when you know darn well the subject matter wasn't what most of us got prickly about.


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## Laurae1967

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Most husbands aren't boorish enough to refer to their wives as elephants. Nearly anything can be said, it's how/the way you say it that makes all the difference. Please don't infer that we women are just too darn sensitive to this issue when you know darn well the subject matter wasn't what most of us got prickly about.


Exactly. There were no "quick emotional responses". You used really harsh language to describe your wife.

Until you can learn how to be a truly caring and accepting husband, you are going to be unhappy....and it has nothing to do about your wife's weight. 

Stop focusing on how you can get your wife to do what you want and work on yourself.


----------



## DisappointedHusband

and checkmate


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## Therealbrighteyes

DisappointedHusband said:


> and checkmate


So are you trolling or looking for actual advice? Your last response makes me wonder.


----------



## that_girl

When I gained weight, my husband was still into me.  I loved it. He's into me now too since i lost 1/2 of what I needed to lose, but i never feel like my weight will push him away. I love that about him  If i felt my weight was a deal breaker for him, I'd probably gain weight on purpose lol.

To the OP, I hope you keep your hair forever...could cause issues for her....lol.


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## Jamison

DisappointedHusband said:


> These quick emotional responses are the very reason many husbands find it difficult to bring up sensitive issues to their wives, I'm just saying...


My response(s) weren't quick or emotional. I actually didn't read to many whose were. People gave you advice and suggestions. You may or may not try them, and they may or may not work. Who knows for sure. 

It seems in your other thread you have about your lack of sex from your wife, some people are validating your feelings, so that should be good enough I would think. IMO, your concentration is way to much on the sex or the lack there of. There is a deeper issue at hand here it seems. Hopefully if you were to get to the root of the issue you will then have an answer for her weight gain, and lack of sex with you.


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## that_girl

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who wasn't attracted to me. He could use his hand or another 'object' than my vag to get off.

Don't think your wife doesn't know how you feel about her. Sad, really.


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## DisappointedHusband

That girl, I keep a clean shaven bald look actually so she has never seen me with hair, so do not think that will be an issue.

I am looking for advice, but I had to make a point about the sensitivity issue with women concerning weight and their husbands having an issue with it. It's universally known even if you have a husband that doesn't complain about a significant weight change or not. For me it does matter and like I mentioned I am looking for ways to encourage her which might spark out sex life and in turn the weight loss or vice versa. 

I just sent her a cute text, today's movie night after the girls go to bed. The text was simple and heartfelt, but with the intent to inform her that I want sex tonight without actually saying it. Is that wrong to have a motive?


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## Deejo

that_girl said:


> If i felt my weight was a deal breaker for him, I'd probably gain weight on purpose lol.


Throughout all of the previous iterations of this same topic, one or more women say this very same thing ...

and I find that frightening, because I don't doubt for a moment that it is true.


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## that_girl

Deejo said:


> Throughout all of the previous iterations of this same topic, one or more women say this very same thing ...
> 
> and I find that frightening, because I don't doubt for a moment that it is true.


I don't think it would be something I'd conciously decide...but...If I knew my husband wanted me to lose weight, I would be sad, lose self-esteem and eat more (which is what I do what I'm sad...well, what I USED to do). 

I lost weight for me and he loved me bigger and now  It's a good feeling to be able to please your husband at any size and know he's into any size. 

He's been big and skinny. I love both. His belly is cute


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## DisappointedHusband

So, you are saying she might be gaining weight on purpose to get rid of me, but just taking four years to do it...


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## that_girl

DisappointedHusband said:


> So, you are saying she might be gaining weight on purpose to get rid of me, but just taking four years to do it...


No...more like, when a parent says NO about something, the child wants more of it.

Do you make comments to her? About what she eats? wears? Etc? Those don't feel good and her way (maybe) to get back at you is to do the opposite. SHE is in control....


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## Therealbrighteyes

Deejo said:


> Throughout all of the previous iterations of this same topic, one or more women say this very same thing ...
> 
> and I find that frightening, because I don't doubt for a moment that it is true.


Not me. I'd lose the weight and ditch the 200lb gorilla.


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## AgentD

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Not me. I'd lose the weight and ditch the 200lb gorilla.


:lol: That would be me too! The way I see it, if you don't love me enough to accept me for who I am if I were to gain weight, then you sure don't deserve me if I lose it.


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## Laurae1967

Deejo said:


> Throughout all of the previous iterations of this same topic, one or more women say this very same thing ...
> 
> and I find that frightening, because I don't doubt for a moment that it is true.


Would YOU want to be with someone whose love and acceptance of you is only based on a superficial quality? Most women do NOT feel emotionally safe with a man like that. There will always be younger, hotter women in the world. If a man ties is desire and love of his woman to just weight/appearance, a lot of women feel very hurt, threatened, and extremely disappointed in that man. It feels like a lack of loyalty to her. It creates mistrust and resentment. A woman with a husband like that can feel like she'll never be able to win. What if she loses the weight and it's still not enough? What if then it's the wrinkles? What if then the issue is a change in body shape that comes with aging? What if then it's her hair? Where does it end? The husband is now the enemy because he can't love us as we are. And it makes a woman feel like she will never be able to maintain the standard their husband wants. To try to meet that standard of weight and to risk failure to meet the husband's "requirements" is a great risk that promises much pain. Is a man like that worth all the pain and insecurity? 

But when you are with a man who loves and desires you with life's ups and downs on the scale, that creates TRUST. That is a good man, a man worth having, a man worth pleasing, a man who inspires you to be the best that you can be....because there is no highly conditional aspect to the relationship.

Maybe it's different for men. Maybe men are socialized to be okay with expecting their woman's love to be based on what they can "give" or "do" for their mate. But women want to be loved and accepted no matter what....for who they are, not only for what they look like.


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## Laurae1967

AgentD said:


> :lol: That would be me too! The way I see it, if you don't love me enough to accept me for who I am if I were to gain weight, then you sure don't deserve me if I lose it.


LOL You said this so much better than I did....and so succinctly!:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## DisappointedHusband

*Do you make comments to her? About what she eats? wears? Etc? Those don't feel good and her way (maybe) to get back at you is to do the opposite.*

She definitely knows how I feel about her weight. However, I do not make comments to belittle her and express my concerns in a negative manner (so I think). Needlessly to say there have been moments when I get myself in trouble with a comment or two, but no more than any other husband or guy. I take an active role in watching my words and reactions, when she says, "do I look cute in this" or "how come you don't say I look cute anymore?" Honesty, because I'm no longer attracted to you physically, you have gained weight and are only getting bigger and there seems to be no efforts to loose.

The way I look at it is, why am I not worth the effort? Does she not still want to excite me or feel the passion anymore? It is a wife's duty and responsibility to please (physically and sexually) her man, and as such it is my duty and responsibility to do the same.

It is an effort that both of us need to take, but when both are not fully on board, how long can one accept only the inner beauty. (and please feel free to read deeper into it)


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## that_girl

My husband has NEVER said anything about my weight. Ever. Not once.

He's been "into" me at every size  So...i don't know...if I was your wife, I'd feel like a piece of crap whose husband doesn't love HER, only the size of her body. Then I'd go get a piece of cake and cry.


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## Laurae1967

DisappointedHusband said:


> So, you are saying she might be gaining weight on purpose to get rid of me, but just taking four years to do it...


:rofl: If she's smart, yes!

Just kidding....couldn't resist it. You just seem to NOT understand women very much. Harping on your wife's weight makes you SO unattractive and untrusthworthy to your wife. Repeat this, accept this, and then change it.


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## AgentD

Laurae1967 said:


> But women want to be loved and accepted no matter what....for who they are, not only for what they look like.



:iagree:

My thought is the OP's wife feels the same way. She wants to be loved and accepted for who she is, weight, chicken legs and all. She probably knows she isn't being accepted by him, so the lack of sex on her part may come from that.


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## that_girl

AgentD said:


> :iagree:
> 
> My thought is the OP's wife feels the same way. She wants to be loved and accepted for who she is, weight, chicken legs and all. She probably knows she isn't being accepted by him, so the lack of sex on her part may come from that.


It's funny too, because when a person feels loved for whatever and however they are, they want to be better and do better for themselves.

Funny how that works.


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## Laurae1967

that_girl said:


> It's funny too, because when a person feels loved for whatever and however they are, they want to be better and do better for themselves.
> 
> Funny how that works.


EXACTLY!:smthumbup:


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## trey69

Maybe her focus is elsewhere. Any other reason you can think of for why she isn't interested in sex with you?


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## that_girl

trey69 said:


> Maybe her focus is elsewhere. Any other reason you can think of for why she isn't interested in sex with you?


because she knows he doesn't think she's attractive, maybe?


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## Therealbrighteyes

Well I feel differently. I AM shallow in that I would not be attracted to my husband if he gained weight and vice versa. My issue is not with him wanting her to lose weight, it is the way he goes about doing it. I think that frankly, a person has to want to lose weight for themselves and no amount of pressure is going to change that for the better......just the worse. Her lack of wanting sex is directely related to how she feels you view her.


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## Deejo

At the risk of sounding dismissive. This simply isn't something I care to defend. I have no need to. But ... I'm willing to discuss the topic.

My position is crystal. Always has been. 

For me personally, it's a self-respect, and respect for your partner issue.

ALL of the women I have been with have shared this value. Didn't consider any of them, or myself, 'shallow'.

If you don't care enough to take care of yourself as well as have a desire to remain attractive to your partner ... then you're not the girl for me, and I'm not the guy for you.

I feel the same way about smoking. Nobody freaks out about that 'shallow judgement' however. I would never partner with a smoker.

Barring severe medical or emotional issues, if my partner goes from svelte and fit to obese ... I am NOT going to be attracted to her. End of story. Doesn't mean I call her names or kick her to the curb. 
But ... if she knows I'm not attracted, were she to gain 20 pounds, and then PURPOSELY decides to put on another 40? I'm out the door. That is patently irrational.


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## that_girl

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Well I feel differently. I AM shallow in that I would not be attracted to my husband if he gained weight and vice versa. My issue is not with him wanting her to lose weight, it is the way he goes about doing it. I think that frankly, a person has to want to lose weight for themselves and no amount of pressure is going to change that for the better......just the worse.


:iagree:

Although my weight goes up and down 20 pounds and within it. Always has.

I met my husband at my heaviest :rofl: I'm good to go no matter what my size now.


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## trey69

that_girl said:


> because she knows he doesn't think she's attractive, maybe?


Yeah, but I was thinking of something else.


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## southern wife

DisappointedHusband said:


> She looks just like her mother,


You should have taken that mental note before you married her. Haven't you heard that if you want to know what your wife will look like when she's older, just take a look at her mother? :scratchhead:


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## DisappointedHusband

So, ladies you all are trying to tell me I have no right to want her to loose weight? Sounds unreasonable! I am not basing my love solely on physical attraction, but physical attraction is necessary and I challenge to prove otherwise. 

I have my concerns about our marriage, weight and sex being the major issues (for me). But this is not to say, I do not still treat her with respect and love. I feel a certain tone in the routine of our daily lives has been accepted and I do not like the direction in which it is heading.

After all your criticisms and advice, I am the one seeking out a path to make this work, so take that into consideration when dogging me.


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## Therealbrighteyes

DisappointedHusband said:


> So, ladies you all are trying to tell me I have no right to want her to loose weight? Sounds unreasonable! I am not basing my love solely on physical attraction, but physical attraction is necessary and I challenge to prove otherwise.
> 
> I have my concerns about our marriage, weight and sex being the major issues (for me). But this is not to say, I do not still treat her with respect and love. I feel a certain tone in the routine of our daily lives has been accepted and I do not like the direction in which it is heading.
> 
> After all your criticisms and advice, I am the one seeking out a path to make this work, so take that into consideration when dogging me.


Read my post again. At no point have I said you were unreasonable in wanting a slim wife. Hell, I think it is an expectation as I know I wouldn't be attracted to a heavy man. My issue was how you went about it. Okay?
Now then, what to do? Tricky. She has to want to do this for herself and until she gets to that point, there is little you can do to further that along.


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## DisappointedHusband

And I will agree with partly the reason she doesn't want to have sex with me is because she knows or feels like I do not find her attractive.


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## DisappointedHusband

The mother-in-law rule is so very true, not only does she look like her, but there are great similarities to their personalities now that I have been with her for 8 years.


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## FirstYearDown

You have the right to whatever you feel. Just realize that you appear very shallow and insensitive, when you are so hard on your wife for gaining weight after _being pregnant with *your *twins! _Get a clue, bricks!

My husband and I have been together for nearly five years. We have slowly gained about thirty pounds each during that time, because we are so happy and content with being a loving couple. We both have spare tires, but my husband ignores mine because he loves the growth of my chest and bum. On our wedding day, he couldn't resist growling in my ear about how his sexy wife filled out her wedding dress beautifully. :smthumbup:

We are just as atttracted to each other as the day we met. My husband has a lot more grey in his beard, as well as a receding hairline which hubby handles by shaving his head. Of course, we know that true love is not based only based on apprearance. So sad that you don't seem to be aware of this.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Okay I might get flamed for this.

But as a woman, let me give you my two cents.

I also have issues with weight gain. Call me shallow, uncaring, unable to see past flaws, self-centered, whatever. But FAT turns me off - can't help it, not gonna change.

So I get it - her FAT turns you off.

Now, what to do about it.

- Have you mentioned, in a loving, supportive way - that her weight gain is unattractive to you?

Yes she might get upset, her feelings might be hurt, she might yell that if you loved her you'd accept her the way she is, etc., etc., but the bottom line is - she is unattractive to you now, does she want to fix that or feel sorry for herself?

- If you have and she just doesn't realize how important the issue is to you, then maybe a different approach is needed.

I care about you, our children and family. I'm worried about your health, at this weight your health is in danger. What can I do to help you?

I've been where your wife is. I had a medical problem that caused me to gain a large amount of weight. It turned my husband off, he told me, I saw a doctor, got treated and worked the weight off. I understand the "visual" aspect - I'm more like a man in that respect instead of a woman. 

It was important to me to win back my husband's desire at that time - is it important to your wife? If not, then you have more issues going on than her weight.


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## CalifGuy

30 pound weight gain in 8.5 years? Lucky you...my first wife gained 100+ pounds in just over 10 years and for the first 50+ pounds insisted that she carried the weight well (on her 5'3" frame...lol). She was busty but I don't care how busty a woman is if she has a big fat a$$ to go along with it.

The weight gain was the #1 reason why I left her after 13 years as she just stopped giving a $hit about her appearance, refused to exercise or diet and only made any effort with her appearance for a family event of her own that she deemed important...if it is was my family, she had no problem about showing up looking like she just rolled out of bed. I was embarrassed and ashamed with the woman she had become and it was only compounded because we had a live in housekeeper, no children and she had every opportunity to work out and eat right yet NOTHING.

I, for one, do not think the OP is shallow but rather that a husband and a wife have a RESPONSIBILITY to one another to keep themselves attractive to the other person, whatever that means. Maybe some men or women could not care less about a 30 (or even 100 pound) weight gain, but, obviously for the OP (as for me) it is a big frigging deal and a violation of the marriage, in my book. Classic BAIT AND SWITCH!!! Grrrrrrrrr.


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## DisappointedHusband

Marriedwifeinlove, we have talked about it seriously and in a nice way. These conversations usually start out nice and end with me in the dog house. As with CalifGuy, my wife is only 5'3" if she stood on her tippy toes. And I know some of you might say 30lbs in 8.5 years, come on, but the reality is that I can not get pass the belly, but more importantly I can not get pass the lack of effort to loose. 

But I am in an optimistic mood and I will try some of your suggestions as how to approach the weight and will also try my luck in the other area as well... Update to follow...


----------



## DisappointedHusband

Oh and just to make this clear the weight gain was prior to the twins.


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## martyc47

I'm not a lady, but I have some thoughts and a question.

I missed the part where you said what kind of shape YOU are in. Perhaps you did. I kinda skimmed through some of the thread but I did look at all messages.

Especially if you are not in "perfect" shape ( and I would say expecting a woman to be 105 lbs displays some pretty strict standards) I think the following MAY help:

1. Get in better shape yourself, even if you are in good shape. If you can't improve physique-wise, maybe in some other way. If she is still in love with you ( which I guess is questionable since she doesn't feel you like her), she might get some motivation to keep up with you.

2. Let her fall in love with someone else. Then she will start losing the weight and leave you when she feels good about herself and appreciated elsewhere.


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## heartsbeating

okeydokie said:


> dont post weight related topics in the ladies lounge


:lol:


----------



## heartsbeating

expatforlife said:


> Of all the couples I know those that work-out together are more successful in weight loss and toning up. Hire a trainer to train you both either at the gym or your house.


:smthumbup:

I find it motivating when hubs and I jog together. When he flirts with me or looks back at my body bouncing lol and makes a "mmm" sound or gives my ass a spank as I pass/catch up to him...well, I can get around the track with more of a spring in my step. And we're usually horny by the time we get home again.

When we were at the gym, we'd go to different areas to work out but it was still motivating to each other that we were doing this together.


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## CalifGuy

Deejo said:


> If you don't care enough to take care of yourself as well as have a desire to remain attractive to your partner ... then you're not the girl for me, and I'm not the guy for you.


+1,000 :smthumbup:

(For a moderator, you don't pull any punches, although I was disappointed when you pulled my fisting thread!!!)


----------



## Endgame

I'm a strong believer that a wife becomes a reflection of how her husband treats her. If she's becoming depressed and no longer feeling sexy for her spouse and she's beginning to gain weight and not "look" the way she used to, then, as a husband, I would strongly suggest you take a good look in the mirror and ask the question, "what have I done that's made my wife feel and look the way she does." I bet, if you were to still appreciate her the way you did when you two were dating, you probably wouldn't be sharing this story with us. But, since you are, you must understand that you have played some role, maybe a significant one, in the downward trend your wife has taken.

That's why, in many cases that end up in divorce, over a course of time, a spouse who was worn down by the relationship will eventually turn their life back around and begin to enjoy life, and get back into shape. They have escaped all the negativity and condemning comments. Those are killers in my book.


----------



## CalifGuy

Endgame said:


> I'm a strong believer that a wife becomes a reflection of how her husband treats her. If she's becoming depressed and no longer feeling sexy for her spouse and she's beginning to gain weight and not "look" the way she used to, then, as a husband, I would strongly suggest you take a good look in the mirror and ask the question, "what have I done that's made my wife feel and look the way she does." I bet, if you were to still appreciate her the way you did when you two were dating, you probably wouldn't be sharing this story with us. But, since you are, you must understand that you have played some role, maybe a significant one, in the downward trend your wife has taken.
> 
> That's why, in many cases that end up in divorce, over a course of time, a spouse who was worn down by the relationship will eventually turn their life back around and begin to enjoy life, and get back into shape. They have escaped all the negativity and condemning comments. Those are killers in my book.


My ex-wife, as far as I know, is still heavy and even had a baby with her second husband a few months ago, making it plausible that she is even heavier now.

Meanwhile, I dropped 55 pounds since my first marriage when I just gave up and joined her in being a fat slob. Although I ran three marathons during that first marriage, nothing I could say or do could convince her to get healthy and fit with me so I ended up gaining 50 pounds following those marathons (during the first two years of a six year marriage).

However, following the marriage, I dropped the weight and weighed in about 30 pounds less for my second marriage than my first marriage and I am 50+ pounds less now than I was towards the end of the first marriage and I've run 57 marathons, quite a few of them with my second wife who only got into running after meeting me...couldn't even get my first wife's fat a$$ to walk the dogs around the block with me!

As far as how I treated my first wife, um, let's see...I bought her whatever clothes and jewelery she wanted, went to visit her parents with her 50 miles away whenever she wanted, bought her not one but two new Jaguars, the second one while she was already 200+ pounds, but enough was enough...finally, I shamed her into taking photos down around the house of herself that were taken when she was 120 - 135 pounds that she had up all over the place when she was "at her best" and told her it was embarrassing because guests had to ask me who was the pretty woman in the photos because they did not recognize that woman as my 200+ pound wife.

NOTHING I could say or do at that point was going to make a difference and although she may be happily remarried (or may not be?), she more than likely remains 200+ pounds (haven't seen or talked to her in ages). So, no, she did not lose that weight for her next guy...but I, on the other hand, did lose the weight and get closer back to my former self once that toxic marriage was behind me.


----------



## Endgame

CalifGuy, you sound like the one who was worn down and abused in your relationship and once you were set free, you were able to rediscover yourself and become a better person as a result.


----------



## that_girl

I'm happy your ex is happy, Califguy  She sounds happy AND having lots of lovin'  Good for her and her chubby self


----------



## cloudwithleggs

My last pregnancy i gained 12lbs  breast feeding always puts weight on me but it's all tits/ass :smthumbup:

My husband says i have a smoking hot body and i know it 

I like to work out hard background dance/athletics

my husband has let himself go and i'm like *wtf* he used to do alot of powerlifting, its not attractive, he has started working out again, i said he better lose it.

it would also help him to stop feeling insecure with me.


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## that_girl

12 pounds? Nice!

I gained 50...but I had major complications with pre-E and the such.

However, I lost it all


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## elli28

OP if your wife was to start a thread on here I think it would go something like this:
"I am a mother of 2 kids under 2 and work in a sh!tty job that is both unfulfilling and financially unrewarding. Over the last few years I have understandably gained some weight and I'm depressed about not being fit and toned like I used to be. My depression is being compounded by the fact that I can see with two little kids my career dreams are slipping further away from me. My husband tries to be supportive but always ends up railroading me, "helping" me lose weight by buying me diet pills and a home gym and generally making it clear he's not attracted to me anymore. He will then turn around and pester me for sex, which makes me think he just sees me as an orifice. He appears supportive (eg offering to get me a babysitter or cleaner) but I know ultimately it's self-interested as all he really wants is for me to be more sexually attractive and available to him. How can I make him understand just how unattractive and unfulfilled I feel?"

I'm not sure how to advise you because I'm still not clear what your main complaint is - is it your wife's desirability ("I'm not attracted to her", "she looks like her mother", "I don't like seeing her naked") or her desire for you (your other post)? If she looked exactly as she does now but couldn't wait to get you into bed every night and gave you enthusiastic BJ's a few times a week, would you still be bothered by the 30lbs?

If it's really about the 30lbs I'd suggest: tell her you remember how happy she was when she was fit, toned, and sexually confident. Tell her that although you understand the reasons for her weight gain (depression, exhaustion etc) you'd really like to support her to make some changes. Acknowledge that in trying to be supportive in the past you've actually made her feel worse, and then ask what she would like you to do to help her. It may be getting her a personal trainer for an hour a week, planning the week of meals and grocery shopping together so you both make good food choices - whatever it is, make sure it's something SHE identifies as being helpful. 

If it's more about her libido I'd suggest: stop all negative talk about her body. She will remember everything you've ever said and it will haunt her, especially when getting her kit off. Focus on the parts of her you are attracted to (maybe her eyes, smile, nice skin, smell) and compliment those. On days when she puts in a little effort with her appearance, tell her she looks great, call her gorgeous, touch her a lot. Buy her baby doll style lingerie that covers her belly (which I'm sure she's even more conscious of than you are) and get some dim lighting (candles or a lamp) for the bedroom so she can be more disinhibited and sexually confident. And if she does lose any weight, tell her how sexy she is and how proud you are that she looks so great even after two kids. 

And don't ever ever ever refer to her as an elephant again...ever. 

Sorry for the long post! Good luck.


----------



## Mrs. T

DisappointedHusband said:


> In general this is the type of response I was expecting.
> 
> Trey I think the attraction could be regained, but my issue is: how to invoke a desire to want to feel attractive to her husband again. I don't think that is unreasonable.
> 
> Plastic surgery was actually a humorous yet sad way that we actually referred or talked about her weight gain. I have not thought about it seriously, and wouldn't want to change her through plastic surgery. So, no plastic surgery.
> 
> The idea is how to approach her in a new way to encourage her that I would like her to loose weight because it is important to me. I'm not trying to be brash and unloving, but the weight gain is a systemic issue for our relationship even if you approach it as being MY issue.


DH...if you want her to have an interest in being desirable to you again she has to feel loved and wanted. If she senses that you have no attraction for her she may have simply given up on trying to please you. Find something else about her that pleases you and compliment her on it. Also tackle the issue of weight loss not as a factor in how she looks but as a health concern. All of us feel better and more energetic when we are fit and eating right.


----------



## DisappointedHusband

Elli, 

She is definitely aware that her career plans are slipping away. I understand that what I consider "help" may not constitute useful "help" to my wife at times. But I do take a step back and ask self-actualizing questions such as: Is this approach insensitive and does this merit this approach, or Is my basis for this desire substantial - can I back it up, or Does my affection seem artificial to her? The list does go on. And the orifice, yeah well it makes the guy feel horrible if they feel like their wife is the orifice or that she feels like that and trust me it never is the intent nor the outcome. Self-interest is the driving force of man and should not be downplayed and thrown so easily to the way-side when trying to support an argument. I'm not selfish. And for husbands, self-interest doesn't necessarily equate to husbands needs before wife's. It's actually the opposite. And in this case, the way I have been looking at it is through my desire for her weight lost it will indirectly (hopefully) positively impact other areas of our relationship

And yes her weight gain has added to the complication of having sex, but sex can still be good even at this weight. Would I love her to loose 10 lbs, of course. And if she even looked at me for a slight moment with desire and spontaneity, I would do one of two things: pass out from quick rush of blood from all extremities to my d*ck or certainly get the tape recorder out to ensure this is real and document this occasion. Yeah it's that hard. 

My wife is a petite girly girl, she never was tone perse, and never really participated in sports or outdoor activities, but was always small and petite, delicate type. When I first met her, I thought easily she was a kindergarten teacher, so that type (I guess from a guys perspective). 

*"Acknowledge that in trying to be supportive in the past you've actually made her feel worse, and then ask what she would like you to do to help her.["/B]

That's the challenge, and why I posted this and is what I ultimately want to accomplish. You know believe it or not, most men do not want to hurt their SO and feel that bringing up my want for her to loose weight will do just that and it has in the past or just was dismissive or majorly defensive. It would be so much easier if she would think more objectively rather than emotionally. And I do not talk negative about her body to her (that's crazy talk). 

Thanks for the advice and thinking objectively and not defensive*


----------



## Enchantment

I don't think she will be able to think about it objectively, instead of emotionally, like you wish she would. Women have a tendency to be very emotional about our self-images and our weight. So, don't base anything on hoping that dynamic will somehow change quickly.

What you CAN do are some concrete actions like the following:

* Do NOT bring up the weight issue again - unless it is to make note of any weight losses. You've brought up the weight gain, she's made note of it, and she probably repeats it in her head in a running loop on a daily basis.

* Go grocery shopping together and pick out more nutritious, whole foods. Instead of processed, packaged snacks, load up on fruits and veggies. I quit eating all of the crap food and would allow myself to eat as many fruits or veggies a day as I could handle. After a while, I didn't even crave the processed stuff anymore and it tastes like crap on my tongue. By doing this, you retrain your taste palate. And don't expect her to be doing this, if you think you get to go downstairs and munch on Doritos.  Make it a family affair and start to change the food dynamic for the whole family.

* Take her hand, get the kids in a stroller, and go for a walk together everyday. If it's inclement, join a gym with a track and go there, or go to the mall and walk laps. Once you start, it can become obsessive - you NEED to do it everyday. But starting can be hard, so don't talk to her about it, DO it with her. If she won't go, then tell her you will ask again tomorrow. Take the kids in a stroller and go yourself. Lather, rinse, repeat. I would bet that at some point she will likely start to go with you.

* If you see her making real efforts, then PRAISE her. Surprise her by getting her something she may like - NOT food, but any little thing that seems to speak to her. For instance, I like cheap, kitschy stretchy beaded bracelets.

* If she talks about or makes disparaging remarks, just be calm about it. Let her know you are there to help her. Encourage her to seek out groups where she could also get additional support - such as a weight loss group at work, Weight Watchers, etc.

* Go out alone together on some dates. Try and reconnect. Go to the movies, go to the opera, go to a home show - whatever is of interest to you both, or even something that could be a novelty to you.

* Change your perspective. Not to think about ignoring her weight and how it affects you, but in seeing the value that YOU have to be a strong motivating presence within your marriage for her. That can be a big bonus for BOTH of you!

Best wishes.


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## elli28

OP just to clarify, in my speculation about what your wife might write on here I wasn't trying to pitch that as the actual logical reality of what's going on - I was just trying to help you get into a woman's head and see where she's coming from. I totally agree with you that self-interest is not a bad thing and can ultimately be good for the relationship, and I think it is quite reasonable for us to want our spouses to look as attractive as they can, and be interested in having sex with us. And for the record, I think it would be horrible to have sex with someone who was just lying there tolerating it instead of being an enthusiastic participant. I was just trying to point out that if ANYTHING has happened during the day to make her feel unloved/unwanted/undesirable and then suddenly you desire her, she's going to feel used. 

Thanks for answering my question about whether it was her desirability or her desire for you that's really bothering you. I just wonder now whether your wife has identified her weight gain as the reason she has no sexual interest in you? While I agree with all the other women on here that when we look good, we feel good, I wonder if there's a lot more going on that's made your wife give up on your sexual relationship. It seems like you identify the weight gain as the culprit, but for her there could be a heap of other things at play (hormones, kids, resentment, depression...) Maybe some MC would help?

If it's a simple equation of petite wife + 30lbs = unattractive low sex drive wife then the solution is simple (see Enchantment's post for excellent tips on getting the weight down), but if the underlying relationship is broken then losing 10-20lbs is not going to make things better for you.


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## CallaLily

Next time you have a heart to heart ask if she wants to even be married anymore. There seems like a big disconnect from her, probably for various reasons. Hopefully if its depression, she will seek out some help and maybe that will at least help some.


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## Laurae1967

Enchantment said:


> I don't think she will be able to think about it objectively, instead of emotionally, like you wish she would. Women have a tendency to be very emotional about our self-images and our weight. So, don't base anything on hoping that dynamic will somehow change quickly.
> 
> What you CAN do are some concrete actions like the following:
> 
> * Do NOT bring up the weight issue again - unless it is to make note of any weight losses. You've brought up the weight gain, she's made note of it, and she probably repeats it in her head in a running loop on a daily basis.
> 
> * Go grocery shopping together and pick out more nutritious, whole foods. Instead of processed, packaged snacks, load up on fruits and veggies. I quit eating all of the crap food and would allow myself to eat as many fruits or veggies a day as I could handle. After a while, I didn't even crave the processed stuff anymore and it tastes like crap on my tongue. By doing this, you retrain your taste palate. And don't expect her to be doing this, if you think you get to go downstairs and munch on Doritos.  Make it a family affair and start to change the food dynamic for the whole family.
> 
> * Take her hand, get the kids in a stroller, and go for a walk together everyday. If it's inclement, join a gym with a track and go there, or go to the mall and walk laps. Once you start, it can become obsessive - you NEED to do it everyday. But starting can be hard, so don't talk to her about it, DO it with her. If she won't go, then tell her you will ask again tomorrow. Take the kids in a stroller and go yourself. Lather, rinse, repeat. I would bet that at some point she will likely start to go with you.
> 
> * If you see her making real efforts, then PRAISE her. Surprise her by getting her something she may like - NOT food, but any little thing that seems to speak to her. For instance, I like cheap, kitschy stretchy beaded bracelets.
> 
> * If she talks about or makes disparaging remarks, just be calm about it. Let her know you are there to help her. Encourage her to seek out groups where she could also get additional support - such as a weight loss group at work, Weight Watchers, etc.
> 
> * Go out alone together on some dates. Try and reconnect. Go to the movies, go to the opera, go to a home show - whatever is of interest to you both, or even something that could be a novelty to you.
> 
> * Change your perspective. Not to think about ignoring her weight and how it affects you, but in seeing the value that YOU have to be a strong motivating presence within your marriage for her. That can be a big bonus for BOTH of you!
> 
> Best wishes.


I agree with some of this advice but TOTALLY disagree with anything suggesting you say or do anything that "supports" weight loss. You have already made her weight loss about you and she knows this. In order for her to succeed, the weight loss CANNOT be about you.

The best thing you can do is NEVER mention it again. I would do all those things Enchantment suggested for connecting, except for offering to get her involved in a weigh loss group, or buying things for her if she loses weight. This still sends a message that you are overly concerned with her weight and weight loss. 

Your message should be "I love you no matter what", not "I'll only love you and pay attention to you and buy you gifts when you start to lose wieght for me." That is a message that will KILL your marriage.

Your wife needs to know you love and accept her NOW as she is. This will free her up to lose weight for herself, not because it's the only way you will accept her.

You have to take your obesssion with her weight loss out of the picture completely and start treating her with the acceptance and love she needs. THAT is the solution.


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## Chelle D

Dang. Do you know what I would give to be 140lbs for my hubby??


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## CallaLily

"I don't like the fact that a lot of people are judging you for how you feel about this issue."

Its not about that, its about how he comes across, period.


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## katy929

I am really offset by this post. I thought people got married to love one another for the rest of their life in good times and bad times. And to love each other unconditionally. 

I do not mean to be judgemental but, maybe your wife is going through somethings or maybe she is just comfortable in her own skin and you are the only one who seems to have the problem. 

I guess you could recommend going on a diet but, if any man mentioned to me that I needed to lose weight I would probably die laughing. 

But, then again when you get older and you start losing your hair and you get a pot belly maybe she will post on the forum that she cant stand to look at you because you look like dr.phil.


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## ScaredandUnsure

My fiance loves me the way I am, I am heavier than I would like to be, and having 4 kids (I have 7 yr old twins as well) it has really hurt my body. When I was younger, I was 120lbs, 5'6" and looked okay...I was underweight and looked it, I didn't look healthy IMO. After I had my first child twelve years ago, I weighed in at 135-140lbs and I LOVED the way I looked. After I had my twins I gained just a little more post baby weight, and still looked pretty good, but that was short lived since I got pregnant again with my 6 yr old almost immediately. All last year I was around 180, but recently I wanted to lose the weight, for myself, and am around 160lbs. I still have 30lbs to lose and I plan on that being gone ASAP. I find it easier now that my kids are in school to focus on what I want to do with my downtime. My goal is to be 130-140lbs by the time my wedding comes around, which will be in June.

My fiance and I met when I was at my heaviest, and he told me he loves me for me, and even if I gained more weight, he'd love me just as much. I told him I'd still love him even if he gained weight as well. You can always lose the weight, but normally a jerk will always be a jerk, most people will never forget the hurtful comments made before they decide to lose it. 

I don't know if you're mean to her when you talk to her about her weight gain, or if you've offered to go on a diet with her, because it's really hard to eat healthy food while your spouse is munching away on a bowl of ice cream, ask her to go walking with you, or get a joint membership at a gym and work out together, and grocery shop and cook meals together.

Just some ideas. You can get your point across about being unhappy with her weight gain and be a supportive and loving husband at the same time.


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## annagarret

I feel for the husband. I really do. I completely understand your frustration and I am a wife and mom to 4. Please, Please be patient with her. I know you don't feel it is fair to you and it isn't, but life and people change. Try to compare it in a wife eyes. What if you lost your good job you have now that gives her security. When she married you, she expected that you would always cherish and take care of her by making a good living. Imagine if you lost your job and couldn't find another. Her attraction to you could go away because you didn't have that secure job anymore. You would be devastated. I know, I know losing a job is out of your hands and gaining weight is in her hands. But in her mind she would blame you for not being a good employee, team player etc. etc. I am not saying this is you by any stretch but trying to give an analogy. 

There will be many changes throughout all of our marriages over time. You are not alone. Try to check yourself though. Mentally, put yourself on an island with only your wife. There are no other women for your eyes and mind to feast on. Your'e eyes are forced to only look at her. Over time your mind and eyes would change to accept her body type and lust after her. I know it sounds unconventional but it's true. Try to bounce your eyes FROM sexy women and images TO your wife. Because you wifes body is the only one you LOVINGLY WILL CHOOSE to look at , the lust will come back..

I know this sounds impossible coming from a woman, but really think about it....and consider to rise above other men in this situation. You and only you have the power to control your eyes and mind. YOu know what after a while of you directing all your thoughts and lust onto her she WILL NOTICE and feel great about herself and adore you and will want to lose the weight. When we FEEL sexy we want to LOOK sexy. 

Society teaches us all the wrong things, but I know you, as a man of integrity, that you will be patient, change what is in your control to change and become a husband that every women wants.

Blessings


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## chillymorn

katy929 said:


> I am really offset by this post. I thought people got married to love one another for the rest of their life in good times and bad times. And to love each other unconditionally.
> 
> I do not mean to be judgemental but, maybe your wife is going through somethings or maybe she is just comfortable in her own skin and you are the only one who seems to have the problem.
> 
> I guess you could recommend going on a diet but, if any man mentioned to me that I needed to lose weight I would probably die laughing.
> 
> But, then again when you get older and you start losing your hair and you get a pot belly maybe she will post on the forum that she cant stand to look at you because you look like dr.phil.


not to offend you but you live in some sort of disney fantasy.

THER IS NO SUCH THING AS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

would you love someone who decided to never work again just because thats who they are?

would you love someone who was rude or verberaly abusive.

I personaly think it should be important to keep up your appearance for your husband/wife with in reason of course.


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## gardenwise

Your wife is unhappy about her job, feels like she's failed, so she feels bad about herself. Saying hey honey here's some pills isn't going to help the situation. The 105 lbs are probably never going to happen again. But maybe 115 in shape will be good for both of you. Any suggestion from you about her weight isn't going to work. 

If I were you, I'd find a pilates studio and go for a joint session, just you and her. When you pay in advance for sessions, you don't miss. After she gets into the groove, you can either continue but she'll want to go by herself. Private time with a private instructor can do wonders for your mental health. Don't go to a gym, overweight women don't want to show off their bodies. Find a private studio, weekly private class.


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## mrspink

Everyone is so mean to you! I understand. I however am on the other side. My husband deployed and lost a lot of weight, while i got pregnant and gained some. My advice? put a picture of her form as your background on your computer and causally bring more pictures of when she looked good to her somehow. background of phone maybe or hang a picture where she looked smoking? and when she asked just say i think you look hot in this picture. that might work? of you could always try saying you feel like shes unhappy at the weight she is and you just want her to feel good about her self. Offer to watch the kids a couple times a week while she goes to the gym and get some alone time. BUT in NO WAY should you tell her you have lost your sexual appeal for her.


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## ryansdad

While I would agree that we men are sexually attracted "visually", there should be other things you find sexually attractive than just her body type. I would understand if she put on 100lbs and was severely overweight, but come on....30lbs??? My wife is 5'8 and was 125lbs when we met, but she is 40 now and has given birth to our son via c-section. She was 145lbs b4 we got pregnant and believe it or not, got to 201lbs right b4 she delivered our son. Within 6 months, she was back to 145lbs. And yes, her weights shifted more to her hips and butt, but I still think she is very beautiful. I am attracted to more than a body type though. I love the way she smells because it makes me feel like im home, I am attracted to her long pretty hair, and she is naturally beautiful(just as pretty without makeup as she is all done up). And I like her curves. JMO if you loved her and thought she was pretty and loved her personality and the rest, i dont think adding 30lbs would ever make her repulsive to you.


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## ClosedOff

This thread makes me sad, because I have gained about 25 lbs since the birth of our son, and although I haven't gone to great lengths to lose it, I also know that I'm less attractive to my husband and he wants me to lose it. The leverage I have is that he is overweight a little too, so he can't say too much, but it's sad to know he doesn't like my body so much anymore. Oh well, at least we still have regular sex...


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## katy929

chillymorn said:


> not to offend you but you live in some sort of disney fantasy.
> 
> THER IS NO SUCH THING AS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
> 
> would you love someone who decided to never work again just because thats who they are?
> 
> would you love someone who was rude or verberaly abusive.
> 
> I personaly think it should be important to keep up your appearance for your husband/wife with in reason of course.


No, I am not offended at all. It takes much more than that to offend me lol 

To each his own, you speak yours, I speak mine. Not a big deal.


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## Catherine602

I agree with chilly partly - there is no unconditional love in most adult relationships. Children, yes and the impaired and elderly perhaps. Adult relationships are based on an exchange of satisfaction of needs. If you love some adult unconditionally stop, you are not getting what you need while satisfying their needs. 

On to the next part - sexual attraction. The OP is not saying that he is not emotionally connected to his wife but the bond is affected by his lack of sexual attraction. The chemistry of sexual attraction is labile it seems, it depends upon the degree to which a person fit some asethetic algorithm. That is reality, we women have our algorithm too. Hard body, money, leadership, indepence, mastery, etc. I know a man whose wife divorced him when he lost a high paying position in financials and she married a successful man in less than a year. Happens all the time. 

How does one negotiate the morass created when a partner falls out of the lust zone of their partner? If it is a fixable problem then, out of love, I think that the slacker should fix it. Without the proper level of chemistry the bond weakens because an important exchange of satisfaction in marital relationships is missing - sex. 

If it is not fixable then I don't know. But we are talking about weight gain a subject that I know only too well. I keep weight appropriate for selfish reasons, when I get stares it validates me (I'm shallow). I also enjoy the secondary gain of a husband who finds me very attractive. 

If for no other reason, women should keep weight appropriate and fit because it feels good, and widens the pool of men that find them attractive. This is important especially if they are married because it has a positive effect on their relationship with their husbands. Also, If they should need to jettison the ball and chain, the chances of a new relationship are higher.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Darkhorse

I met my husband when I was 20 pounds heavier. Go me :lol: It was just a chubby time in my life. Now I'm back to normal but it's nice to know he liked me then and he likes me now. It's the butt for him


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## ryansdad

And also, how "perfect" are you? I know you are 30, but do you not have any flaws, or do you think that you are just the perfect specimen of manhood? You know, it sounds to me like you are just nitpicking her to death because maybe you want out but arent man enough or dont have the balls to just leave. If you do leave her, i am 100% certain there would be a line of guys willing to accept and love her exactly how she is and think shes just the cats meow. That is very disrespectful and arrogant to flame your wife like that. But you probably know this already. And i disagree that there is no such thing as unconditional love as long as it is reciprocated. His wife is obviously demonstrating unconditional love to still be with him and not tell him to go pound sand.


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## Laurae1967

ryansdad said:


> And also, how "perfect" are you? I know you are 30, but do you not have any flaws, or do you think that you are just the perfect specimen of manhood? You know, it sounds to me like you are just nitpicking her to death because maybe you want out but arent man enough or dont have the balls to just leave. If you do leave her, i am 100% certain there would be a line of guys willing to accept and love her exactly how she is and think shes just the cats meow. That is very disrespectful and arrogant to flame your wife like that. But you probably know this already. And i disagree that there is no such thing as unconditional love as long as it is reciprocated. His wife is obviously demonstrating unconditional love to still be with him and not tell him to go pound sand.


It's so nice when guys speak up about this issue....and can prove that there are some men out there who are loving and accepting of their wives, even when she's not a size 2. It's always the jerks who proclaim that "all guys" are superficial. That's just not the case.


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## Laurae1967

katy929 said:


> I am really offset by this post. I thought people got married to love one another for the rest of their life in good times and bad times. And to love each other unconditionally.
> 
> I do not mean to be judgemental but, maybe your wife is going through somethings or maybe she is just comfortable in her own skin and you are the only one who seems to have the problem.
> 
> I guess you could recommend going on a diet but, if any man mentioned to me that I needed to lose weight I would probably die laughing.
> 
> But, then again when you get older and you start losing your hair and you get a pot belly maybe she will post on the forum that she cant stand to look at you because you look like dr.phil.


Right on, sista! I'm with you.


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## mrspink

ClosedOff said:


> This thread makes me sad, because I have gained about 25 lbs since the birth of our son, and although I haven't gone to great lengths to lose it, I also know that I'm less attractive to my husband and he wants me to lose it. The leverage I have is that he is overweight a little too, so he can't say too much, but it's sad to know he doesn't like my body so much anymore. Oh well, at least we still have regular sex...


im in literally the exact same situation. weight and all! lol. it totally sucks. and we had no control over gaining it because of the pregnancy! i hope you can either be happy now or loss it!


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## chillymorn

mrspink said:


> im in literally the exact same situation. weight and all! lol. it totally sucks. and we had no control over gaining it because of the pregnancy! i hope you can either be happy now or loss it!


your only supost to gain 12-25 lbs during the average pregenacy

your not eating for 2. eat healthy and after the baby it will come off easy.


but whatever excuse works for being over weight as long as its not poor self control.


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## ryansdad

12-25 pounds weight gain during the average pregnancy??? Where on earth did you come up with these numbers?? The american college of obstetricians say the average weight gain depends on several factors including their height and pre-pregnancy weight well as the mothers age. They say the amount she will gain also depends if she is under,normal, or overweight prior to conception. The A.C.O.O's guidelines are as follows: average of 35lbs weight gain if she is underweight prior to conception, 25-40lbs weight gain for women who are "normal" weight prior, and only 15-20lbs weight gain for women who are overweight. If you average those numbers across the board, then the true average a woman will gain is 28.3333 pounds which is 3 lbs above your high end number. And here is where the weight is distributed:

Baby - At birth your baby may weigh between 6-8 pounds.
Uterus - The uterus expands during pregnancy 40x its normal size and may weigh 4 pounds.
Placenta - The placenta, vital for nourishing your baby, generally weighs 2.5 pounds.
Breasts - Breast tissue often grows during pregnancy, and may weigh up to 2.5 to 5 pounds.
Blood Volume - Your blood volume will increase during pregnancy 7.5 pounds.
Fluid - Your body will retain some fluid during pregnancy, as much as 6 pounds!
Amniotic Fluid - The fluid surrounding your baby will weigh approximately 3.5 pounds.
Maternal Fat Stores and Nutrients - You will also gain about 9 pounds of weight that can be attributed to maternal fat and nutrient stores as well as muscle development.
Most women will add on some fat to store for the baby, which is vital to support energy and breastfeeding. These pounds generally come off relatively easily after birth, so don't waste time stressing out about them during your pregnancy! Pregnancy is not the time to diet! 

This is 45.5lbs on the high end and 32lbs on the low end for the "average pregnancy"

Not her pigging out or "eating for 2"

My wife is 5'7, weighed 140lbs and was 37y.o prior to conception and was well within "normal" weight range and looked fit, sexy, and beautiful. She did not pig out nor did she diet or try to deprive our son of vital nutrients just so she would be as thin as possible and the day she delivered our healthy beautiful son, she weighed 185lbs. 

And you know what? with her motherly pregnancy glow and all the new curves and belly carrying our precious cargo was just as if not more beautiful and sexy to me as she ever has been.


----------



## TroubldHusband

ryansdad said:


> 12-25 pounds weight gain during the average pregnancy??? Where on earth did you come up with these numbers?? The american college of obstetricians say the average weight gain depends on several factors including their height and pre-pregnancy weight well as the mothers age. They say the amount she will gain also depends if she is under,normal, or overweight prior to conception. The A.C.O.O's guidelines are as follows: average of 35lbs weight gain if she is underweight prior to conception, 25-40lbs weight gain for women who are "normal" weight prior, and only 15-20lbs weight gain for women who are overweight. If you average those numbers across the board, then the true average a woman will gain is 28.3333 pounds which is 3 lbs above your high end number. And here is where the weight is distributed:
> 
> Baby - At birth your baby may weigh between 6-8 pounds.
> Uterus - The uterus expands during pregnancy 40x its normal size and may weigh 4 pounds.
> Placenta - The placenta, vital for nourishing your baby, generally weighs 2.5 pounds.
> Breasts - Breast tissue often grows during pregnancy, and may weigh up to 2.5 to 5 pounds.
> Blood Volume - Your blood volume will increase during pregnancy 7.5 pounds.
> Fluid - Your body will retain some fluid during pregnancy, as much as 6 pounds!
> Amniotic Fluid - The fluid surrounding your baby will weigh approximately 3.5 pounds.
> Maternal Fat Stores and Nutrients - You will also gain about 9 pounds of weight that can be attributed to maternal fat and nutrient stores as well as muscle development.
> Most women will add on some fat to store for the baby, which is vital to support energy and breastfeeding. These pounds generally come off relatively easily after birth, so don't waste time stressing out about them during your pregnancy! Pregnancy is not the time to diet!
> 
> This is 45.5lbs on the high end and 32lbs on the low end for the "average pregnancy"
> 
> Not her pigging out or "eating for 2"
> 
> My wife is 5'7, weighed 140lbs and was 37y.o prior to conception and was well within "normal" weight range and looked fit, sexy, and beautiful. She did not pig out nor did she diet or try to deprive our son of vital nutrients just so she would be as thin as possible and the day she delivered our healthy beautiful son, she weighed 185lbs.
> 
> *And you know what? with her motherly pregnancy glow and all the new curves and belly carrying our precious cargo was just as if not more beautiful and sexy to me as she ever has been*.



It's funny you say that. I've always had the opinion that my wife, as well as other women, are at their most beautiful point in their lives when they're pregnant. That baby bump curve, and the glow they get is absolutely stunning to me. Tack onto that the new "curves" like larger breasts and hips (I love some amazing hips on a woman) and you've got the makings of one of the most beautiful creatures on this planet. My wife was always small, only about 5'0 and 100lbs and the hips and curves she gained when she had our children still drive me nuts when I look at her, and we're separated right now!  You're 100% correct. Women are most beautiful when they're pregnant! Agree wholeheartedly!


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## ryansdad

Absolutely troubled husbnd! I have so much awe and respect for what women go thru to bring children into the world. And my wife is so so awesome. She had 3 months maternity leave, and as i said, she was 185 the day she delivered our son. She went back to work exactly 3 months later and weighed 155lbs. and 6 weeks later, she was back to her pre-pregnancy weight of 140lbs. There is so much more to love about your wife other than a specific body type. I love and cherish that the smell of my wife makes me feel like i am home. She is the best mother and wife any one could ever hope for. I dont understand flaming your wife for gaining 30lbs and putting her down because of the amount of income she makes. That is not love. Not even close. I truly believe the op just wants out but doesnt have the sack to be honest and just leave. I would never in a million years disrespect my wife like that! I would happily lay my life down and spend eternity in hell to protect my wife and son from any hurt or physical danger. I do love her unconditionally and am not ashamed to admit it. I thank the lord every day for blessing us with such a wonderful, healthy son and such a precious wife. The bible says a virtuous wife if you are lucky enough to find, her price is far more valuable than rubies. That is so true.


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## DeadlyNightshade

Buy her a treadmill for Christmas (kidding!)

I know a guy who was trying to talk his girlfriend into going camping with him but she wasn't coming around. He ended up buying her a sleeping bag as a gift for her birthday.


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## TroubldHusband

ryansdad said:


> Absolutely troubled husbnd! I have so much awe and respect for what women go thru to bring children into the world. And my wife is so so awesome. She had 3 months maternity leave, and as i said, she was 185 the day she delivered our son. She went back to work exactly 3 months later and weighed 155lbs. and 6 weeks later, she was back to her pre-pregnancy weight of 140lbs. There is so much more to love about your wife other than a specific body type. I love and cherish that the smell of my wife makes me feel like i am home. She is the best mother and wife any one could ever hope for. I dont understand flaming your wife for gaining 30lbs and putting her down because of the amount of income she makes. That is not love. Not even close. I truly believe the op just wants out but doesnt have the sack to be honest and just leave. I would never in a million years disrespect my wife like that! I would happily lay my life down and spend eternity in hell to protect my wife and son from any hurt or physical danger. I do love her unconditionally and am not ashamed to admit it. I thank the lord every day for blessing us with such a wonderful, healthy son and such a precious wife. The bible says a virtuous wife if you are lucky enough to find, her price is far more valuable than rubies. That is so true.




I love my wife unconditionally, but have had trouble showing it the last few years. I let alcohol control parts of my life, as well as let my anger/temper/nasty side get the best of me, which in turn has put me in a position to lose everything I ever cared about. I'm here because I'm looking for help and guidance in trying to rebuild my relationship and reconcile with my wife that I've put through hell over the past few years with the way I've treated her. For someone I care so much about I can't believe I acted the way I did... I'm completely and totally disgusted with my behavior. I'm turning it all around, though! Hopefully she can see that and we can make this work. You hit the nail on the head, though. Love and respect. I love my wife with everything, but I've been extremely disrespectful to her, and it's cost me big-time. Time to turn it all around!


----------



## Endgame

Has anyone ever been to a museum where beautiful paintings of robust women fill the halls? Those women were admired back in the day as they were considered to be of good standing, and the ones who were thin, were considered poor and undesirable.

I wonder what happened over the course of time to have such a change in the way women are portrayed? We are to stay fit and trim, wear high heals and makeup, short sexy attire, even get botox, liposuction, boob jobs to satisfy what?????? 

I really do have to scratch my head and wonder why we have gone down such a path. Thank you Hollywood!


----------



## tacoma

Endgame said:


> Has anyone ever been to a museum where beautiful paintings of robust women fill the halls? Those women were admired back in the day as they were considered to be of good standing, and the ones who were thin, were considered poor and undesirable.
> 
> I wonder what happened over the course of time to have such a change in the way women are portrayed? We are to stay fit and trim, wear high heals and makeup, short sexy attire, even get botox, liposuction, boob jobs to satisfy what??????
> 
> I really do have to scratch my head and wonder why we have gone down such a path. Thank you Hollywood!


Well for one thing food is much more easily available nowadays.

Used to be having extra weight was a sign you had money/power because you were able to eat well while the average person wasn`t.


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## Darkhorse

But now, many women who are called "sexy" look like pubescent boy with fake boobs.

Thank goodness my man likes a woman with curves.  He's all about the butt and hips


----------



## TroubldHusband

Darkhorse said:


> But now, many women who are called "sexy" look like pubescent boy with fake boobs.
> 
> Thank goodness my man likes a woman with curves.  *He's all about the butt and hips*


I'm the same way! Love some nice hips and a butt!


----------



## Jazzercise

It's totally ok for you to feel the way you do about her weight gain. When my husband and I met, I was a part-time model. Over the course of 5 years, I packed on about 30 unattractive pounds. Then I had two kids and was left with a big fat body. Well, my husband did the usual "No you're fine. You had kids." blah blah blah. One day he snapped and told me I was disgusting and this is not what he signed up for. Sure i wanted to die a little but it got my big fat butt in gear. He since apologized and did everything he could to help me lose my weight (took me 4 months btw...now that's what a fire under your ass can do!). In the end, I lost the weight and am a curvier version of my younger self. If my husband isn't attacking me, he's staring from across the room, or asking me for pics thru text. lol! Most importantly, our sex life is spank-tac-ular now. Ladies, don't judge. Men and women need different things from their spouses and a tiny waist is one of them. Good luck!


----------



## Bobby5000

I think you're mixing some issues up. Certainly one could want the wife of before to lose a few pounds. Bringing it up occasionally I think is fair though I am sure some women would disagree. 

That said, mixing this up and saying you can't have a decent sex life is mean. Imagine a woman saying her husband had a paycut, and she was no longer attracted to him. Sex can be very good. Trying to punish your wife, constantly criticizing her is not going to make her lose weight, it will just screw her up and you too. :scratchhead: 




DisappointedHusband said:


> Ladies/Wives maybe you can help me get my mind around a wife of 8.5 years gaining 30lbs in all the wrong places (belly). My wife, two years older than me (32), had always been short and petite, but around the 4 year mark of our relationship, the weight gained started.
> 
> I'm not trying to be inconsiderate, but I'm simply no longer sexually attracted to her and has contributed to sex about 1.5/month.
> 
> Initially, the weight gained started with a depression that onset after her not being able to find employment that would both satisfied her need for accomplishment and contribution to the family finances. I can understand the onset of weight gained due to this or whatever it may have been, but I see no effort to loose it and it is always a sore topic of discussion, so we never address the elephant (her at this point) in the room and it carries over into other areas of the relationship.
> 
> Just a note, she has a job (low paying), but not pertaining to her degree or her passion, so she definitely still has a void.
> 
> I guess what I am looking for is the magic key that will get her proactive about her weight and want to look sexy and cute for me again.
> 
> I guess it's only fair to mention she did have twin girls almost two years ago, but the issue started well before the birth of our girls. I would say 25lbs of the 30lbs was before the birth.
> 
> I've tried gym passes, transforming spare bedroom into home gym, diet pills and supplements, outdoor activities, getting myself in better shape to induce a want to look better too, but she never has time to fit exercise or diet controls into her daily schedule. She is a clean-a-holic by the way, but as much as she is always running around the house cleaning (I clean too), it does nothing to assist in her weight loss. Another note: she has developed chicken legs, her *only weight gain is in her belly and back.
> * Basically the gain of weight is not proportionately placed.
> 
> She looks just like her mother, but her mother is more active and in better shape than her, lol.
> 
> Not to sound crude, but I can no longer look at her without clothes on.
> 
> Ladies, advice please...


----------



## okeydokie

bobby, im not sure the paycut example is apples to apples. if a poster came on here and complained that her husband had stopped showering and shaving, i wonder what the responses would be


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## CallaLily

Well since the OP hasn't come back lately, hopefully things are working out.


----------



## ocotillo

Personally, I think it's infantile to lose your desire for your wife because she's put on some weight. (No offense to the OP intended)

My thoughts run more along the "Love is a verb" philosophy promoted by Stephen Covey

But I think Catherine makes a valid observation above and would add that if it's reasonable to expect the husband to "Become a better man" to recapture his wife's sexual desire, (And the consensus on TAM appears to be that it is) then it is inconsistent at best to deny the direct corollary when the shoe is on the other foot.


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## Laurae1967

Jazzercise said:


> It's totally ok for you to feel the way you do about her weight gain. When my husband and I met, I was a part-time model. Over the course of 5 years, I packed on about 30 unattractive pounds. Then I had two kids and was left with a big fat body. Well, my husband did the usual "No you're fine. You had kids." blah blah blah. One day he snapped and told me I was disgusting and this is not what he signed up for. Sure i wanted to die a little but it got my big fat butt in gear. He since apologized and did everything he could to help me lose my weight (took me 4 months btw...now that's what a fire under your ass can do!). In the end, I lost the weight and am a curvier version of my younger self. If my husband isn't attacking me, he's staring from across the room, or asking me for pics thru text. lol! Most importantly, our sex life is spank-tac-ular now. Ladies, don't judge. Men and women need different things from their spouses and a tiny waist is one of them. Good luck!


Wow, your story about your husband is really sad. You should know that not all men are like that. I guess I'm not suprised that you are buying into what your husband said, having been a model where your looks are what you have to offer. 

We all eventually lose our looks and there has to be something more (or something left) that defines who we are and what we are worth. 

Some of us are really lucky to be married to men who love and treasure us for lots of reasons besides what we weigh on the scale. If my husband ever said what yours did, I'd kick his ass to the curb. So no, not ALL men require a tiny waist to love and desire their wives.....just some men, luckily.


----------



## FirstYearDown

My husband wouldn't want me to have a tiny waist. He loves my curves and I am learning to love them too. What man wouldn't want a round, firm bum to palm and slap during sex?


----------



## that_girl

FirstYearDown said:


> My husband wouldn't want me to have a tiny waste. He loves my curves and I am learning to love them too. What man wouldn't want a round, firm bum to palm and slap during sex?


Sounds like my husband LOL! 

When I met him I was about 5 pounds smaller than I am now (not noticable at all) and the first time we had sex, he couldn't stop talking about my ass. LOL Made me feel a little weird...but I got over it when i saw how much pleasure my big, german ass gave him. :rofl:


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## chillymorn

thats just what they tell you so as not to hurt your feelings.

and most women want men with really small packages and no job.


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## strugglinghusband

i wouldnt care care if my wife weighed 75 or 200 pounds, she is sexiest thing I have ever seen, she still makes my heart skip a beat when she walks thru the door, its just like the 1st time I ever saw her when she was 22, 16 years ago, with just a smile......over and over again...yes she had put on few pounds and makes comments aboutself, and I always reply the same, quit washing youre clothes in hot water and leaving them in the dryer for hours and hours, of course there going to shrink...and you look best the best in nothing...actually I think when she comes out of the shower, with her long hair still damp, in her PJ's ready for bed, no make up...WOW!!! the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...


----------



## FirstYearDown

chillymorn said:


> thats just what they tell you so as not to hurt your feelings.
> 
> and most women want men with really small packages and no job.


And some people spell like they did not finish primary school. 
It might be hard for a simpleton to understand, but some men actually like some junk in the trunk.


----------



## Jazzercise

lol! You ladies can think what you want, but I know better. I have many guy friends and they are all very candid with me. The fact is, ALL men have an idea of who they want to be with (physically). Some are just too big of cowards to ever say it outloud. You only live once...why would you spend it settling for a cow with a good personality? There are plenty of sexy females out there with just as good of personalities. 

just ask yourself this...would you want to have sex with yourself? If you can't say "heck yes! I'd tap that!" then why would anyone else?You can fall in love with a personality, but sexual attraction is a HUGE part of a healthy relationship.


----------



## that_girl

chillymorn said:


> thats just what they tell you so as not to hurt your feelings.
> 
> and most women want men with really small packages and no job.


LOL. Well, my husband met me with a round ass. "little in the middle but she got much back"....that's me


----------



## that_girl

Jazzercise said:


> lol! You ladies can think what you want, but I know better. I have many guy friends and they are all very candid with me. The fact is, ALL men have an idea of who they want to be with (physically). Some are just too big of cowards to ever say it outloud. You only live once...why would you spend it settling for a cow with a good personality? There are plenty of sexy females out there with just as good of personalities.
> 
> just ask yourself this...would you want to have sex with yourself? If you can't say "heck yes! I'd tap that!" then why would anyone else?You can fall in love with a personality, but sexual attraction is a HUGE part of a healthy relationship.


That's the point. Not all men think skinny is sexy. Not all men like curves  You go for what you want. My husband is exactly what I love. Lean, not muscular, a little belly, big package :rofl: and my height. I love it. Not all women do.

My friend Kevin always dated skiiiiny girls in HS. He left for the Marines and come back 3 years later with a wife who was HUGE. We didn't say anything but it shocked us, as he always dated such tiny girls. He told a guy friend that he's always loved big women, he just didn't want to be made fun of.  They are happily married 14 years later and have 4 kids


----------



## FirstYearDown

Jazzercise said:


> lol! You ladies can think what you want, but I know better. I have many guy friends and they are all very candid with me. The fact is, ALL men have an idea of who they want to be with (physically). Some are just too big of cowards to ever say it outloud. You only live once...why would you spend it settling for a cow with a good personality? There are plenty of sexy females out there with just as good of personalities.
> 
> just ask yourself this...would you want to have sex with yourself? If you can't say "heck yes! I'd tap that!" then why would anyone else?You can fall in love with a personality, but sexual attraction is a HUGE part of a healthy relationship.


Yes, dear. I make love to myself all the time.:smthumbup: Who told you that I would not? 

Men and women are sexually attracted to different things, sweetie. If your hilarious words were so true, nobody over size 2 would ever fall in love and get married.  Bricks.


----------



## Jazzercise

*high five* for big booties! lol! I totally agree with you. Everyone has an idea of what they want. In this case, the husband wants his wife to be what she used to be, which is totally acceptable. He's got buyers remorse! I hope, for their marriages sake, she can start working on her own happiness and self-image issues. I just hate when women do the "my husband loves me for me, unconditionally" thing. Yeah, my husband does too...doesn't mean he wants to have sex with me. I love my best friend with all my heart. She'll always be my best girl. I have never found her sexually attractive. Both are equally important in EVERY marriage.


----------



## Trenton

Jazzercise said:


> lol! You ladies can think what you want, but I know better. I have many guy friends and they are all very candid with me. The fact is, ALL men have an idea of who they want to be with (physically). Some are just too big of cowards to ever say it outloud. You only live once...why would you spend it settling for a cow with a good personality? There are plenty of sexy females out there with just as good of personalities.
> 
> just ask yourself this...would you want to have sex with yourself? If you can't say "heck yes! I'd tap that!" then why would anyone else?You can fall in love with a personality, but sexual attraction is a HUGE part of a healthy relationship.


I just vomited in my mouth and not in a good way.


----------



## Jazzercise

FirstYearDown said:


> Yes, dear. I make love to myself all the time.:smthumbup: Who told you that I would not?
> 
> Men and women are sexually attracted to different things, sweetie. If your hilarious words were so true, nobody over size 2 would ever fall in love and get married.  Bricks.


Infidelity is the #1 reason from divorce rates being what they are. This is due to spouses packin on the comfort pounds. The statistics on failed marriages in the U.S. say I'm right on the money, honey.


----------



## that_girl

Jazzercise said:


> just ask yourself this...would you want to have sex with yourself? If you can't say "heck yes! I'd tap that!" then why would anyone else?You can fall in love with a personality, but sexual attraction is a HUGE part of a healthy relationship.


To whom are you speaking? hahaaha My husband loves my ass and we have sex almost every night! It's the one thing that never suffered, even when separated. Now that we're back to good, it's even better.

I don't know if I'd tap my own ass...but I know I always want to tap his and he feels the same about me


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## that_girl

Jazzercise said:


> Infidelity is the #1 reason from divorce rates being what they are. This is due to spouses packin on the comfort pounds. The statistics on failed marriages in the U.S. say I'm right on the money, honey.


This is not true.

Thin people get cheated on. Fat people get cheated on. Old people get cheated on. Young people get cheated on.

The reason is that needs are not being met...whatever those needs may be. Not enough sex, no communication, no time together...etc.


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## that_girl

Trenton said:


> I just vomited in my mouth and not in a good way.


I have gum if you need it


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## that_girl

It's funny too because my guy friends are candid with me as well and many say they like a woman with some meat. Hugging a skeleton is not sexy. Their words, not mine.


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## Jazzercise

I agree that all different types of people get cheated on. I never meant to make it sound like all guys want "Kate Moss" looking women. I am saying that all men want their version of a hot chick. They marry that version and when it goes away, it's hard to not be resentful like the OP. I'm definitely a "curvy" girl but make sure my tummy stays small. There's a big difference between curves and fat. Apparently the OP doesn't like fat chicks.


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## DoRight

To all of you that crucified the original poster: Women divorce their mates because of weight issues, hair loss, job loss issues all the time. 

Fact is, when you got married to a small person, you have an idea that they will always be somewhat close to that size. 

Usually tho, the deal breaker for women is if the man quits working or gets laid off. For men, an appearance premium is put on the wife's looks. 

I know, not everyone is like this. but it is generally true.


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## that_girl

DoRight said:


> To all of you that crucified the original poster: Women divorce their mates because of weight issues, hair loss, job loss issues all the time.
> 
> Fact is, when you got married to a small person, you have an idea that they will always be somewhat close to that size.
> 
> Usually tho, the deal breaker for women is if the man quits working or gets laid off. For men, an appearance premium is put on the wife's looks.
> 
> I know, not everyone is like this. but it is generally true.


Well, meet the woman's mother...then you'll see how she's probably end up LOL! I've seen pics of some friends' moms...they were hotties!


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## Laurae1967

Trenton said:


> I just vomited in my mouth and not in a good way.


:iagree::rofl: Maybe she does, too, to keep that high school skinny body.


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## nicole8125

have u looked @ ur self lately? maybe she doesnt find u attractive anymore. i am sorry, but this post just made me frustrated and i only read the first page. i am lucky because i cant c 2 judge any man bye there looks, but if it was me with u, i would file 4 a divorce, u put her down on this form, i can only immagine that u put her down @ home.... if u dont i am sorry for making that statement. if more people looked passed the outer beauty and focused on the inter beauty then this world would b so much better!!!! maybe its because i am blind and have never been able 2 c n my whole 24 years, but some sighted people...... just get on my nervs with that stuff, especially men. i thought when u get married the love is supposed 2 b unconditional?? think about it, how would u feel if the tables were turned?!? y cant u b a saportive partner in still show her some love? if she feels she is attractive and u her still interested n her, but u also talk to her about losing weight, she might b more. enthuestatic to do it. do u guys buy a lot of junk food? if so dont or try 2 not buy that much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown

Jazzercise said:


> I agree that all different types of people get cheated on. I never meant to make it sound like all guys want "Kate Moss" looking women. I am saying that all men want their version of a hot chick. They marry that version and when it goes away, it's hard to not be resentful like the OP. I'm definitely a "curvy" girl but make sure my tummy stays small. There's a big difference between curves and fat. Apparently the OP doesn't like fat chicks.


You said that a tiny waist is what all men look for. 
Here, educate yourself:
Top 10 Causes For Divorce and Marriage Breakups: Stats Collected in the US |


----------



## FrankKissel

that_girl said:


> This is not true.
> 
> Thin people get cheated on. Fat people get cheated on. Old people get cheated on. Young people get cheated on.
> 
> The reason is that needs are not being met...whatever those needs may be. Not enough sex, no communication, no time together...etc.


Agreed. And in some cases, one's not keeping up their physical appearance can lead to anger, disappointment, resentment, lack of sexual attraction, etc. In other words, things that can help create a marital environment conducive to infidelity and divorce.
This discussion shouldn't really be about skinny vs fat because, as already has been well noted, different guys are attracted to different body types. 
But I think when you commit (i.e. marry) to a person of a certain body type you have a reasonable expectation that body type will be maintained. Of course, it's natural to pack on a few pounds as you age. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the formerly fit husband or wife who truly lets themselves go post-nuptials and packs on significant weight. Or begins sporting a wardrobe of sweats, sweats, sweats and sweats. Or says farewell to good hygeine.
This goes both ways. A woman whose husband trades his six pack for a spare tire has as much right to be upset by it as the guy who's formerly svelte wife goes Kirstie Alley on him.

Anyhow, it's less about skinny vs fat than about a fair expectation that the body type you have on your wedding day is the at least a close proximity to the one you maintain from that time forward. And if not, it's not unreasonable for your spouse to disapprove of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister

that_girl said:


> It's funny too because my guy friends are candid with me as well and many say they like a woman with some meat. Hugging a skeleton is not sexy. Their words, not mine.


I agree with this TG. 

I find the female figure with curves appealing. Too skinny does absoutely zero for me.


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## that_girl

HEY! Back away from my sweats :rofl:

I wear dresses and heals for work. When I get home, I want to be cozy. So I wear tight yoga pants and tanks  Hubs likes that. Way better than sweats!


----------



## FirstYearDown

DoRight said:


> To all of you that crucified the original poster: Women divorce their mates because of weight issues, hair loss, job loss issues all the time.
> 
> Fact is, when you got married to a small person, you have an idea that they will always be somewhat close to that size.
> 
> Usually tho, the deal breaker for women is if the man quits working or gets laid off. For men, an appearance premium is put on the wife's looks.
> 
> I know, not everyone is like this. but it is generally true.


A woman who would leave her husband, just because he has less money never really loved him in the first place.
"For richer or poorer..." I take that very seriously. My husband lost his job soon after my engagement ring was on my finger. We weren't even married then and I stayed. :smthumbup:


----------



## Zzyzx

FrankKissel said:


> Anyhow, it's less about skinny vs fat than about a fair expectation that the body type you have on your wedding day is the at least a close proximity to the one you maintain from that time forward. And if not, it's not unreasonable for your spouse to disapprove of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This.

At my age, I expect women within my reasonable age range to have already put on some weight over the years. I can live with that as long as I see that she makes a good effort to keep what she has under control and does not let herself go. I'm close to my fighting weight of 10-15 years ago through my own effort and I don't think it's too much to ask a future LTR/marriage prospect for her effort.


----------



## CallaLily

DoRight said:


> To all of you that crucified the original poster: Women divorce their mates because of weight issues, hair loss, job loss issues all the time.
> 
> Fact is, when you got married to a small person, you have an idea that they will always be somewhat close to that size.
> 
> Usually tho, the deal breaker for women is if the man quits working or gets laid off. For men, an appearance premium is put on the wife's looks.
> 
> I know, not everyone is like this. but it is generally true.



Maybe sometimes. BUT also another reason too is, if a man just isn't connected emotionally.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Zzyzx said:


> This.
> 
> At my age, I expect women within my reasonable age range to have already put on some weight over the years. I can live with that as long as I see that she makes a good effort to keep what she has under control and does not let herself go. I'm close to my fighting weight of 10-15 years ago through my own effort and I don't think it's too much to ask a future LTR/marriage prospect for her effort.


I suspect many think the effort is a reflection of priorities. Your spouse sits in front of the TV eating rather than diet and exercise a little. You start to think they prefer those things over you (because if they did not, they would not let themselves go). May not be correct or even rational (especially if you don't communicate that to your spouse) but I would not be surprised if it it there.


----------



## DoRight

FirstYearDown said:


> A woman who would leave her husband, just because he has less money never really loved him in the first place.
> "For richer or poorer..." I take that very seriously. My husband lost his job soon after my engagement ring was on my finger. We weren't even married then and I stayed. :smthumbup:


You Rock FirstYear! That is the ideal is it not? 

Something tells me that there is more than the extra LBS that is bothering the OP. Just seems like if EVERYTHING else in the marriage were solid, that the weight would not be that big of an issue. 

My wife is #30 heavier than wedding day. It bothers her more than me. Oh and I don't treat her family as well as I did before the marriage. Somethings will always change. 

Doesn't everyone have some issues? There is something more going on than just LBS IMO. I think it's when you get the feeling that you and your spouse are not playing for the same goals that you have the issues.


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## bellamaxjoy

I havent read the whole thread, but I will say, the absolute most romantic thing my husband ever said to me. I was saying that I lost a few pounds and everyone was noticing but him. He said to me, I never noticed that you gained weight, I see the woman I love, thats all. Swoon.........that is love


----------



## bubbly girl

bellamaxjoy said:


> I havent read the whole thread, but I will say, the absolute most romantic thing my husband ever said to me. I was saying that I lost a few pounds and everyone was noticing but him. He said to me, I never noticed that you gained weight, I see the woman I love, thats all. Swoon.........that is love


Awww...that's sweet. :smthumbup:


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## alphapuppy

Okay, so, that all sounds like stress-related weight gain and body changes. I see that there are ten pages of replies and I'm frankly not going to read them, but I wanted to put in $0.02 that switching to the Paleo diet, with no other lifestyle changes, completely transformed my body and my husband's body in just a few months. In one year, I lost 28 pounds and he lost 40. Remember, no exercise, just the dietary change. It might be worth a look. It would help with the stress hormone changes, if that's the root of it, and it would take care of carb addiction if she stuck with it. It's good for the libido too. I can't speak highly enough of it. Loren Cordain is the main proponent of this diet and is highly credible IMO. I am sure that you have gotten lots of positive and negative input here but it's a tough situation and my spouse and I have been through it -- neither of us tried to gain weight, neither of us tried to become repulsively unhealthy, it just happened, and this is what saved our health. Good luck.


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## PolkaDottedJams

Terrible. A guy comes on here and says "Ladies, help. My wife's gotten fat and I'd like some advice on approaching her/finding ways to help motivate her to lose" and he gets badgered to death for being a shallow, insensitive jerk RESPONSIBLE for her weight gain and low self esteem. I don't get it. And I am a woman.

I think it's just as inconsiderate of those who gain excess weight to do so irregardless of how this affects their spouse, especially if they carry it for long periods of time and make no effort to trim down. 

Dude, call her doctor up and pay him off to mention his concern over her weight next time she's in! :-/


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## LearningLifeQDay

Disappointedhusband...You can't really let the negative comments offend you. You are who you are. No, I'm not defending you or criticizing you. You are 'turned off' and that's how you feel. You can't brainwash yourself into becoming someone you're not. It's similar to people trying to make homosexual people into heterosexual people. expatforlife has the most obviously solution: "Of all the couples I know those that work-out together are more successful in weight loss and toning up. Hire a trainer to train you both either at the gym or your house." If she's able to lose weight (probably a healthy choice in the long-term as well) and wants to, you have to encourage her and foster an atmosphere of positiveness and loving. Maybe other great things will happen between the both of you.


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## Goldmember357

feel bad for OP because what are you supposed to do?

i mean honestly anyone who gains that much and if the other spouse is still in shape its kind of a turnoff id imagine. 

id advice you motivate her and work out with her so you two can get in shape and she will have you next to her.


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## Catherine602

I don't think we have concious control over what we find sexually attractive. He can't help what happen. I am sure if he could turn on his sexual attraction by will alone, he would. He asked for help to regain his attraction not how to get rid of his wife. 

It is a difficult situation. However I think that they should each work on what they can change. What he finds naturally attractive does not appear to be negotiable. What is left is diet and exercise, and an investment of his time to practice what he preaches and efforts to help her. One person seems to be doing 
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## diwali123

Did I already say this or was it on another thread? Could it be she isn't into you anymore and her weight is a way to keep you from wanting more sex? Because I have kind of done that with an ex subconsciously and it didn't work. Does she complain about the lack of sex?
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## strzzy456

Endgame said:


> Wow, my first thought was, what a shallow and selfish man! If looks are the most important thing to you, then you are by no means marriage material. You should have stayed single and jumped from one woman to another when she became no longer attractive to you. Marriage requires much more from an individual than just looking hot and sexy for a spouse. The first and foremost is to love the other unconditionally, and treat each other with respect. Something that I have found to be sorely missing in this day and time. Now that you have opened the door of negativity towards your wife, those energies will flow from here on out until you realize that there's more to a woman than just the outer beauty. She senses your negative thoughts and that will make her feel even more undesirable, plus she's got two children now that's she's probably doing the bulk of the care! If you haven't recognized it or not, two year old children can be extremely stressful on the caretaker, usually the mom for the most part. So, if you can't show an ounce of compassion towards the lovely woman you married and the one who blessed you with two beautiful children, then I suggest you go get your head examined. You can decide which head I'm writing about! ;-)


Excellent! Loved every word of it.


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## NoWhere

I know this is a old thread, but I'd like to chime in.

I don't find the OP insensitive at all, maybe in his choice of words. Face it attraction is a large percentage of why people hookup and date to begin with. Many of the people who would say 'love someone for who they are' and be offended over weight concerns would just as likely dump their spouse for someone that looks better. 

In this situation I think any direct approach would likely offend a women. Whether that's saying something directly or recommending she go to a gym.

I think a lot of women after getting married go through this. Usually it means they are depressed, bored with the relationship and more importantly they don't 'feel' attractive. A lot of times its just as much the mans fault because he is no longer the man that moves her to be a better person for him or he has allowed the romance and spontaneity to fade from the relationship. 

As a man you need to encourage her and make her feel like the sexiest women alive. Find activities that are healthy and take her to them. Start off small with stuff that is easy like long romantic walks etc. Then move on to fun activities like sports or bike riding, Eventually you can go take her to yoga classes or go to the Gym together as a couple.

I agree in a perfect world love should be blind, but the fact is without attraction you are just fighting a uphill battle. If you don't find her attractive she will pick up on it and both will end up miserable. So who is worse: the husband who recognizes he has a problem with her weight and wants to fix it or the man who sucks it up and just becomes resentful and stays in a loveless relationship that ends badly after a few years.

Marriage to me means you stick with it and do what you can to repair anything and everything that can damage the relationship.


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