# 4-6 weeks in between sex?????!



## Abby11 (Sep 23, 2013)

I'm sure this topic has been posted a million times before on here, most of which I've read, but I'm not relating to any of them and am in DESPERATE need of advice before I do anything drastic.

My husband and I have been together 4 years, married a year and a half. He's never matched me in the sexual needs department. I love to have sex as much as the average guy, if not more. He's told me from the beginning he's just not built that way. I accepted that right away. 

Our sex life has dwindled since the beginning, but the past year and a half it has been almost nonexistent. Averaging once every 4-6 weeks. I've tried having conversations with him about our lack of sex. He said he never desires sex because we argue so much. Our first year of marriage has been rough, but not nearly as bad as it could have been though. Typical arguments and learning how to fight healthy. But we fought a lot and that's his excuse, we've never even had makeup sex. He just gave up. Yet we'd still have amazing times together doing other things. I have approached this topic multiple times, now he claims I've given him a complex, has sexual anxiety and is afraid of underperforming. He said he doesn't even masterbate, that he's had zero sexual desire.

For our anniversary I purchased a monthly sex box subscription hoping to spice things up. You'd think the box would come in the mail and he couldn't wait to use it that night. We would go weeks before even opening it and there's still one unopened sitting on our dresser. I cancelled the subscription after 4 months. The past few months we've been doing amazing and hardly ever argue. But it's been almost 6 weeks since we've had sex. 

Yesterday we were in the kitchen prepping food for a BBQ we were having and I asked him if I could pull up a recipe on his iPad that was on the counter. I click the search box and automatically his recent searches pop up. Porn. I ask him immediately and he said that it was a long time ago. Yet it was at the top. I typed "P" into the address bar and all the visited sites came up. Nice lie. This past week we have been sleeping in separate rooms because he sprained his shoulder and can't lay on his side. He snores loudly on his back so I said I'd sleep in the guest room instead of nudging him throughout the night when he's snoring. Our bedroom doors are French doors with glass, walking to the guest room I'd pass our room and see him on his iPad. Now I know what he's been doing. 

A few years ago I caught him in his office in the middle of the night watching porn. I was so devastated he wouldn't come to me, especially knowing that I am ALWAYS open for business. I understand some women are ok with porn. Call me crazy, but I don't think a happily married man whose wife would bend over for him multiple times a day should be watching porn. I'd try anything he wanted or desired. 

For those thinking it might be an attraction issue... I'm a model, I take extremely good care of myself. I've been blessed with a thin figure and natural beauty. People always go up to my husband and tell him how beautiful his wife is, and he tells me I'm beautiful all the time. It wouldn't be hard for me to find another sexual partner, but I love my husband. I just can't and won't stay in a sexless marriage. I want kids but can't even think about having them with him until I see improvement in the bedroom. It's literally poisoning our relationship. He complains I'm not affectionate enough, ummm there's a reason why. I feel unwanted and so depressed that he doesn't want me intimately. 

I haven't looked at him or spoken more than 5 words since this happened. Luckily my sister is in town so I've had an excuse to avoid him. What could be going on here? What makes a guy choose to go behind his wife's back in their own house to watch porn instead of getting the real thing?


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I admit to finding my wife unattractive when she goes through bad phases. Yes sure sometimes things get said. But keep it civil don't fight dirty,swear or score points. It's fine to have opinions and strong views.

Discuss your views understand the others points, concede to a few things.

When a woman is complete and utter b1tch its hard not to see that uglyness shining through the outer shell.

Most importantly resolve the issue. Make up with each other. tell each other you love each other. hug, kiss love each other . Make things right by clearing the air. 

F¥ck him after every argument. It helps!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

It won't matter how attractive or willing you are if he is sensitive to the emotional discord/disconnect of arguments, and it may take a while for him to recover from those. He's trying to tell you how he feels and what is hindering his sexual interest - it's not an excuse. Some MC probably wouldn't be amiss here.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

What's going on is he is relieving his sexual urges with porn and not you! Get into a MC and try and work on this. If he is unwilling, you have to accept it or move on. The LD partner will always set the frequency.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

soulpotato said:


> It won't matter how attractive or willing you are if he is sensitive to the emotional discord/disconnect of arguments, and it may take a while for him to recover from those. He's trying to tell you how he feels and what is hindering his sexual interest - it's not an excuse. Some MC probably wouldn't be amiss here.


MC I feel is somethibg you do to if the marriage partners are not able to initiate conversations from the heart. Essentially arbitration.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Well he has told you his problem and that is the arguments which I suppose you always win. That is hard on a man and takes its toll. 

Let him win a few and see the difference.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Man has a model for a wife but prefers porn to her.............smells awfully trolly to me.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Abby11 said:


> ...He complains I'm not affectionate enough, ummm there's a reason why. I feel unwanted and so depressed that he doesn't want me intimately.


I think this is the root of the problem. Ask him exactly what kind of affection he wants and needs from you. Tell him what YOU want and need from him too. This is communication and counseling could help both of you with this. 

One more thing, I have a good friend at work who is married to a lady who likes to argue a lot. Over time, he just pulls back and "disengages" with his wife because he doesn't want to argue anymore. He says it is not worth the effort and takes the path of least resistance. This has gone on for years, and their marriage is crumbling. If you are starting to notice something similiar, this is even more reason to find a good marriage counselor who can help you both. 

Good luck. I think you can fix this!


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

4 to 10 weeks between sex seems to be our average.


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## Abby11 (Sep 23, 2013)

Thank you so much for your responses! I think I left out an important detail. We haven't been arguing for nearly two months now, things have been good. I can understand him not wanting to have sex before when we fought more. Even though I think a good make up session would clear the air, but he doesn't think that way. That's why his excuse now is that he has a complex so it's easier to avoid to entire situation. 
I could learn to live with porn, if we had a decent sex life.
I like the advice about being sweeter, more affectionate during the day. I'll make it a point to hug, kiss and compliment him more throughout the day. Hoping this leads to some improvement ASAP. Thanks again


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Abby11 said:


> Thank you so much for your responses! I think I left out an important detail. We haven't been arguing for nearly two months now, things have been good. I can understand him not wanting to have sex before when we fought more. Even though I think a good make up session would clear the air, but he doesn't think that way. That's why his excuse now is that he has a complex so it's easier to avoid to entire situation.
> I could learn to live with porn, if we had a decent sex life.
> I like the advice about being sweeter, more affectionate during the day. I'll make it a point to hug, kiss and compliment him more throughout the day. Hoping this leads to some improvement ASAP. Thanks again


I don't want to discourage you, but *if* bottled up resentments over arguments and unresolved conflicts in your marriage are part of the reason he's withdrawn from you sexually, it's not going to go away on its own, no matter how sweet you are to him or how much to try to clear the air. 

It took me _years_ to admit to myself that resentment was at the root of my not being able to open up to regular sex with my husband. Only after I admitted it and decided that I wanted to find a way to purge the resentment did my high drive return. Nothing my husband did of could have done would have changed that. 

I'm not saying that this IS your husband's issue, but if it is, he's got to own it and start to find a way to not only dispense with old resentments, but to learn to deal with new ones as soon as he recognizes them for what they are. It's a matter of self-awareness, and and, for me, individual counseling is extremely helpful (as well as my very patient, understanding, and _forgiving_ spouse.)


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Abby11 said:


> I'm sure this topic has been posted a million times before on here, most of which I've read, but I'm not relating to any of them and am in DESPERATE need of advice before I do anything drastic.
> 
> My husband and I have been together 4 years, married a year and a half. He's never matched me in the sexual needs department. I love to have sex as much as the average guy, if not more. He's told me from the beginning he's just not built that way. I accepted that right away.
> 
> ...



Hmmmm, you are a model and have a HD? And he sneaks out to view porn??? Odd........

Unless he's intimidated by your hot body and checks out porn because there's no anxiety?

Maybe he likes something he thinks you wouldn't want to do...?

When you have fights, do you always get the last word in? If you're wrong, do you humble yourself and learn or still argue and get the last word in? That I wouldn't put up with and I don't.

I get sex maybe once every 2 - 4 weeks and only once, not 2 or 3 or 4 times. Yet I am HD and adventurous and could have fun sex every day and sometimes multiple times a day.

Find out what porn he likes and do that with him, as a surprise.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

soulseer said:


> MC I feel is somethibg you do to if the marriage partners are not able to initiate conversations from the heart. Essentially arbitration.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MC works for any issues, especially when partners struggle to communicate or see eye to eye on things.


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## daSaint (Sep 20, 2013)

Be more affectionate in really genuine ways ranging from your words to actions to non sexual touch. Get youself to do it without expecting to get instant reward (sex). Just like a woman knows when a man is putting so much effort just to get into her pants, your hubby might be suspicious of your affection if he senses its just a way to coax him into having sex with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abby11 (Sep 23, 2013)

Really taking all of this advice to heart, thank you all again so much.
Some of you say I should ask him what porn he is into and then join in. He chooses to relieve himself by watching porn, with me in the next room, and I'm supposed to just join in? If it takes me joining in to get him to sleep with me, that bothers me. I don't understand why I can't be enough. He knows my sexual nature, he knows he can try anything with me. 
Maybe there is resentment that he's making unknown. I know I could be a hell of a lot more affectionate and give more compliments. Maybe he feels I don't respect all that he does for me, could this cause a man to choose porn over his wife? This is something I will definitely ask him about when we eventually talk. I'm in Vegas for work all week. Perfect timing 

What does LD and HD stand for??


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I think your H is addicted to porn and probably has been since before you were even together. A porn addiction is difficult to break and he will need individual counseling as well as couples counseling and couples sex therapy. See Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn. Also search for the other Talk About Marriage threads on porn addiction. Don't blame yourself, he probably has had this problem since before he met you.

He will likely deny the extent of the problem and how often he does it. If there's any way you can check his IPad every day or two and check for new searches, and keep track for a few weeks before confronting him with your evidence. There is a big difference between masturbating to porn once a week vs every day, and you need to find out for sure which is the case. Also, he is ignoring you in favor of porn even when times are good and pretty much from the beginning of your relationship. I don't think the problem is that he resents you or you aren't affectionate enough. He is trying to deflect and hide his addiction from you.

I think the other posters are swallowing his excuses about it being due to the arguments and because you gave him a 'complex'. You just caught him in two outright lies - saying he never masturbates and saying the IPad porn searches were 'old'.


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