# swingers only



## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

i want to know from the people that have done this. will your marriage grow stronger or will it fall apart. my h and i love each other deeply. i am the one the one that want to experiment. please i know a.lot of people wont agree but i need advice i know what is right and wrong so just advice please.
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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Let me start by saying this-my wife and I are not "swingers". We have never swapped sexually, and most likely never will, as we have discussed it to death, and both don't have a desire to do so. 

We have had same room sex with other couples, we've had heavy kissing, including the occasional oral between me, her, and another male, and the same between me, her, and another female. We've had several times of my wife and another woman "making out", lot's of kissing, getting naked, heavy petting, sucking on breasts, etc. while I watched. We've had several occasions where we'll go out together to a club, and her and I will wander apart from each other on purpose, and she will look for a girl or a guy to dance with, flirt with, while I do the same. We've gone out dancing with married/dating friends, and did some super dirty grinding/dancing on our friends, them on us, etc. 


We weren't always this way. We've been married 13 years, it's only been a couple years that we started having our "fun". I don't really think I can say that it directly "helps" us, but it certainly doesn't "hurt" us either. BUT- that's because that's who we are. We grew that way together, thru a natural progression, that was nutured along by years of trust, and years of communication, and having a great, open, honest marriage.

I would NEVER suggest/encourage ANYONE to even consider swinging, swapping, sharing, or anything even close to it, UNLESS they already had a GREAT marriage, with all the honesty, trust, and COMMUNICATION that I mentioned. 

I do NOT believe that swinging, or sexual exploration in any way related to it, will help a bad marriage. But I DO think that it can be an added sexual element that can be fun, safe, exciting, etc. in the PERFECT situation, with the right people, as it has been for me and my relationship.

So, in regards to your question,


> will your marriage grow stronger or will it fall apart. my h and i love each other deeply.


Unfortunately, NOBODY can answer that for you. It is a case by case, person by peson basis.

The ONLY "solid" peice of actual advice I will give, that is strictly my opinion regarding the little I've learned about you from reading a couple sentences from you is this....

When you said


> i am the one the one that want to experiment.


I understand why you said it, because you are the female, and "stereotypically" people associate the desire to swing, share, swap, 3somes, etc. with the male, and by you mentioning that "you" were the one who want's to experiment, in your mind, you thought you maybe would ease the minds of those that would jump to conclusions and assume your husband doesn't love you, desires another woman, etc. BUT TO ME, along with your question of if it will make a marriage stronger, SCREAMS you're not ready, and may never be.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm pretty wasted right now just been out with mates and with the missus claiming her "territory" with me and we just had another fight over me flirting with some other chicks for fun and crap meh... ne ways...

I was a swinger with my ex, my only advice is: DONT TRY IT to FIX your relationship, the only way it can work for couples is if you already have strong relationship to begin with. I lost respect for my ex subconsciously and I proposed swinging to her to re-enlighten some lost desire with her. It didn't work, in the end I ended up in a EA with my now wife.

Swinging is fun for strong couples, anything else it's a means to an end.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You get to choose. You can have your marriage and the trust you two have in each other now. Or you can end that and swing. Because even if you don't divorce the marriage, the trust, and the commitment you have to one another will never be as good as it is now. 

And that's the best case scenario. Most likely you'll quickly start gaslighting your marriage and decide you really want to be free to be with your new partners.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flnative (Jul 16, 2011)

Not a swinger, but I advise against it.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

My marriage is so important to me, and to my husband, that I can't imagine risking it for some sex with other people. But I also don't judge anyone who swings. To each his/her own.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> My marriage is so important to me, and to my husband, that I can't imagine risking it for some sex with other people. But I also don't judge anyone who swings. To each his/her own.


:iagree:


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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

Thanks for everybodys repleys. my h and i have been together for 15jears and been married 13. we have a fairytail marriage. we love and trust each other comletly. comunication has never been a problem. we love esch other deeply and cant imagine a world were the other dont exsists.
SO theire is nothing to fix. he was and is my first. swing would only be for fun and experimenting, maby not even a full swap. and jes my marriage is yhe most important thing in the world. But for 2 years we have been talking and diciding. i know how i feel about my h and i know how he feels about me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Littlebittyfarmgal (Aug 31, 2011)

MrsPayne said:


> i want to know from the people that have done this. will your marriage grow stronger or will it fall apart. my h and i love each other deeply. i am the one the one that want to experiment. please i know a.lot of people wont agree but i need advice i know what is right and wrong so just advice please.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not a professional, so all I can do is "speak my mind" here....and say how I, as an individual feels. Our current society speaks for itself. Monogamy is such a joke. I wish I had the article I just read so I could post it here for you, Mrs.Payne, and If I find it again, I will. It takes a whole lot of open communication to be in the Swinger's lifestyle, and for that lifestyle to ADD to your marriage, and NOT to disrupt it. My husband and I DO belong to that lifestyle, and it only has ADDED to our marriage, and has NOT taken away one thing. The "romantic love" is still there, and neither one of us doubts one second that it always will be. "Play time" is what it is....Play time. It does not take away from the commitment we have to one another, and it doesn't Come HOME with us. There is NO sneaking, no "cheating" etc because we talk to each other about EVERYTHING! It DOES take two very open minded people that have already established an open, honest, totally unconditionally loving and accepting way of communicating already! Research...learn...read about it...and make an informed decision that involves your husband...after all your research has been done, and you have what YOU want to communicate with him in your mind! Good Luck on fulfilling something that is obviously a part of your mind and your heart!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well... you can always try a soft swap for now, see how it turns out. It is like playing with fire however, you will be running a risk, but if you're only curious and not trying to fix your relationship with it, then it should be fine.

Personally I would love to see the missus show off a little or even get a group together for some strip poker fun. Hopefully one day she'll let the bad girl out again, but that will take a long time to reach a stage of stability before we will be able to do it.

We can't really answer for you whether it will grow stronger or fall apart, it's something you have to figure out for yourself.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I guess everything has a risk, and this is no different, so if you want to take the risk, thats up to you.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

People will do what they want regardless of the advice given, so if its something you truly want to do you will do it anyway. I'm glad your marriage is so solid, and I believe you, but it will need to be to with stand this kind of test.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

I am in kind of the same boat. My husband was my first love, and though I am very happily married I find that curiosity about what it would be like with someone else almost too strong to resist. I've read all the pros and cons to sex outside a marriage, and I truly feel he and I have the communication and solid base to make something like that work. He, however, feels the risks don't outweigh the benefits.

But I'm not trying to fix anything in our marriage, nor meet some need I don't feel I get from him. I wish to sate the curiosity of someone else. Everyone warns about the problems that come from doing this but everyone who says it works for them have the same thing in common: a set of rules and lots and lots of communication. I honestly think it would make me want my hubby more in the end. Neither of us are religious and I feel a lot of the definition of "marriage" comes from religion, therefore doesn't really apply to me.

I would really like to see more on this subject. I may start a new thread more suited to my specifics cause this is really bare bones, lol.


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## max.sims61 (Sep 8, 2011)

We have been married for 30 years, were high school sweethearts, and each others only sex partners up until the last couple of years. In that time we have swapped with another couple (our best friends for over 20 years) on three different occasions. It has always just happened without any prior planning and left no negative feelings for anyone afterward. It does seem to make what is already an exceptional sex with my wife hotter than usual for a while following each encounter. We have had in depth conversations about what has taken place and both agree that if either of us does not feel right about what is happening that we will stop. So far it has been a pleasant experience for us and has not caused problems in our marriage or the friendship that we have shared with the other couple for all these years.


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## OKCFunCouple (Sep 5, 2011)

OMG folks seriously?? Swinging is NOT going to ruin your marriage if you have a good foundation. I hear this crap so many time ... If you swing you will end up tearing your marriage apart. Guess what? We swing and our marriage is stronger than ever. My wife loves to play with other females, she loves to see me please them also. We have been married for 22 years and are solid!!!

People put marriage in a box and anything outside that box they think is wrong and then they listen to uncle joe that had a crappy marriage and tried to use swinging to fix it (this does not fix a broken marriage) and look how he turned out.

I have seen couples get into the lifestyle because one of them was cheating so the other spouse thought if we swing there would be no cheating, well wrong again!!!!! cheaters and swingers are not the same. 

I do not have sex with any girls unless my wife is there, my wife can, if you chooses, to enjoy one of our female friends by herself without me being there. We don't play with men, they don't know how to please a woman with a sexual drive like my wife (none that she played with ever could come close).

If you are solid and both parties are okay with it, talk A LOT first then give it a try. As long as you are both okay with it no harm no foul.

My 2 cents and I have been around for a while.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

OKCFunCouple said:


> People put marriage in a box and anything outside that box they think is wrong...



Yeah, I think we do this with a whole lot of stuff in life! Plus, we all like to talk about the bad side of things. Just look at the news. If someone has a bad experience with something, we are way more likely to hear about it than if the experience went well. Unfortunately since the subject of swinging isn't widely excepted, we're not going to get a whole lotta people into that sort of thing coming out and sharing about it, hehe.

One thing I wonder about is sex being the ultimate, sacred, omg-don't-give-it-to-just-anyone way of showing commitment to your spouse. I personally don't see this. Of course we can become physically attracted to someone else even after we get married, but acting on that feeling somehow nullifies our commitment to our spouse? Emotionally it may be a little more than "just sex" but that doesn't mean I'd throw away 13 wonderful years with my husband over it or be less committed to my family.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think a good barometer is to read what 'Littlebittyfarmgal' had to say. She talks about how swinging has only enhanced her marriage and that play time is just play time.

If you read this and think, "Wow, what a great strong marriage. They are very fortunate." Then maybe you can handle a swinging lifestyle.

When I read it I think, "She thinks that everything is great and they talk about everything, but I bet he could easily be carrying on behind her back and falling in love with someone else, and she isn't aware of it."

This tells me that there is no way I could handle sharing my wife sexually with someone else.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

People will always justify why they think something is good, even though they really know deep down its not.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Ultimately, it will be the death of your marriage.
I have heard of several couple who did it and they are kaput.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

Jamison said:


> People will always justify why they think something is good, even though they really know deep down its not.


This is sort of silly. What is right and what is wrong? It's for the individual to decide if going against society is worth it. Just because something has always been done doesn't make it right. Just because most people do a thing a certain way, doesn't mean everyone should do the same. What's acceptable to society as a whole changes all the time. There are lots of old fashioned ideas that we no longer cling to.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Rosie123 said:


> This is sort of silly. What is right and what is wrong? It's for the individual to decide if going against society is worth it. Just because something has always been done doesn't make it right. Just because most people do a thing a certain way, doesn't mean everyone should do the same. What's acceptable to society as a whole changes all the time. There are lots of old fashioned ideas that we no longer cling to.



You are correct, so if its what you enjoy then go for it. And no my opinion is not silly. Its just an opinion, doesn't mean its right or wrong. Because thats all it is, an opinion.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

Lol, you're right. I just meant that it's silly that what we justify as good while BELIEVING it's wrong may really not be wrong at all for us individually. Wow that was confusing.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

trey69 said:


> People will do what they want regardless of the advice given, so if its something you truly want to do you will do it anyway. I'm glad your marriage is so solid, and I believe you, but it will need to be to with stand this kind of test.


:iagree:


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## Doris Ruffles (Sep 10, 2011)

my husband and i used to be swingers, and it was a great time in our lives before we had our baby. we both found it so exciting and i still look at it with great fondness. we both wanted to try it and we were comfortable with our set limits. swinging can be great for a marriage, but if you're unsatisfied in any way swinging will only highlight that, and cause you problems in the long run.


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## EvanderS (Jul 1, 2011)

MrsPayne said:


> i want to know from the people that have done this. will your marriage grow stronger or will it fall apart. my h and i love each other deeply. i am the one the one that want to experiment. please i know a.lot of people wont agree but i need advice i know what is right and wrong so just advice please.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think alternative lifestyles will suddenly blow up a marriage. It is a difficult path though... and I think it is good to have a guide.

The conventional wisdom is that if the marriage is poor... then the risk isn't worth it.

My belief is that there are certain types of people whom are designed to be in various degrees of contact with others... and that it is good to explore.

However... a husband and wife are often designed differently... so just because it might be good for the wife doesn't mean that it will work for the husband. Or... one partner may be conflicted because one aspect of the psyche will say one thing and the other aspect will say something else.

And finally... the degree of communication that it takes is extremely high. I don't think that there are many couples who are able to communicate on this level without help from a councilor or a teacher from one of these lifestyles.

More and more... there are classes on these types of things. I would attend a few classes first and check in with one another about what sort of green or red lights you are getting.

Also... it can take years of discussion and negotiation and toe dipping before making a decision to try it or abandon it.

That being said... This kind of exploration can relieve boredom and will certainly increase the heat of the relationship.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Okc....not a bash at all but you are saying that swinging is fine with. You....but you don't let your wife have sex with other men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oli (Sep 23, 2011)

I vote, be VERY VERY cautious. You may THINK you have a strong marriage, you very well may NOT.
My wife and I had the strongest marriage of anyone we knew.
We NEVER argued, did everything together, were each others best friends.
All of our friends thought we had the most stable marriage ever.
Marriage strength changes when swinging comes into play.
I knew my wife wasn't a GREAT communicator, but wasn't terrible.
I also knew she was very stubborn, but very seldom was she stubborn with me.
If she was a little later she tell me, she was just being stubborn and she was sorry.
The story---
She would always make comments about being with another woman.
She was raised in a VERY sexually repressed home single parent home because of divorce (lived mainly with dad only), one where the word sex was never muttered (but they were not "religious").
I mentioned that I would love for her to get what she wanted.
It really turned her on. Which was good for me too 
That lead us to a couple of "swinger" sites.
We have NEVER been the jealous types at all.
It actually goes pretty good, we meet a couple of nice couples, true boy and girl next door types.
Then it changes, she starts to fantasize about the guy of one couple (when we fool around) which again is good for me 
Then we are together with the other couple and she "climbs on"
It really didn't bother me until she, for the next 6 weeks wanted to be with the same couple.
She grew very fond of the male. No amount of my pleading saying it was getting out of hand worked.
I got alot of "silent treatments" when I tried to talk about my feelings.
If we were late heading to their place, she was very mad.
The male of the other couple started to act the same.
We basically really did "swap" wives, his wife was in most peoples eyes naive.
My wive is very intriguing, a long haired beauty that is "fun".
Me and the other "wife" were always the responsible ones.
The other male loved this fact. 
Other things happened along the line, but we aren't the Very Happily married couple were at one time.
It was swinging that did it BUT there was an underlying problem we didn't recognize.
Swinging just brought it out.
So please be VERY careful.
Have lots of discussions, and by that I don't mean "wow that's hot" discussions.
You need very strict ground rules, that you stick to!

O


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## messylife (Sep 29, 2009)

It was for us almost the same. I used to adore my wife and thought that she was the only women who could rocked my world. She wanted to swing as well an i agaist it. Until our first meeting with a couple. I relized that other women can rock my world to and even beter, and i didnt felt proud anymore over my wife. For me she didnt had that pureness anymore, she was used in my eyes. So one thing to a other happend until we divorced. SO MAKE SURE! That u know what u expect from your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## messylife (Sep 29, 2009)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

Rosie123 said:


> I am in kind of the same boat. My husband was my first love, and though I am very happily married I find that curiosity about what it would be like with someone else almost too strong to resist. I've read all the pros and cons to sex outside a marriage, and I truly feel he and I have the communication and solid base to make something like that work. He, however, feels the risks don't outweigh the benefits.
> 
> But I'm not trying to fix anything in our marriage, nor meet some need I don't feel I get from him. I wish to sate the curiosity of someone else. Everyone warns about the problems that come from doing this but everyone who says it works for them have the same thing in common: a set of rules and lots and lots of communication. I honestly think it would make me want my hubby more in the end. Neither of us are religious and I feel a lot of the definition of "marriage" comes from religion, therefore doesn't really apply to me.
> 
> I would really like to see more on this subject. I may start a new thread more suited to my specifics cause this is really bare bones, lol.


Thanks rossie. I agree with u we are in the same boat. I feel the way u do. Dont want to replace my h, just cerious what it would be.like with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

oli said:


> I vote, be VERY VERY cautious. You may THINK you have a strong marriage, you very well may NOT.
> My wife and I had the strongest marriage of anyone we knew.
> We NEVER argued, did everything together, were each others best friends.
> All of our friends thought we had the most stable marriage ever.
> ...


Thanks oil for being so open. Ihave found that this game is very difficult!!,finding the right people is not that easy! it will still be a long raod.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JTL (Dec 14, 2009)

While my wife and i are not swingers, we have had some encounters on a few occasions. 4some's and mmf threesome's. Like previously stated, if you guys are solid, it will "probably" be fine. If not, you're done. We are, like you, a long time couple that started young with very limited experiences. For me, this sort of thing is perfect. I have never been interested in cheating on my wife. Not really even tempted. But, i wanted to have sex with at least a few other women or have some different sexual experiences. For us, because she too has her fair share of fantasies, this has worked. It also has spiced up our sex life afterward like a previous poster stated. We are not religious so we don't have the hang ups that so many have about the broken "vows" or commandments. For us it has never escalated and we still enjoy the odd experience. We are very happy we have done this and do not regret it for a second.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mrs. Payne,

Have the both of you been to a strip club? 

My wife had a problem with me getting a lap dance so our view on swinging went out the window that night.


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

30somethingmale said:


> .....
> 
> We have had same room sex with other couples, we've had heavy kissing, including the occasional oral between me, her, and another male, and the same between me, her, and another female. We've had several times of my wife and another woman "making out", lot's of kissing, getting naked, heavy petting, sucking on breasts, etc. while I watched. We've had several occasions where we'll go out together to a club, and her and I will wander apart from each other on purpose, and she will look for a girl or a guy to dance with, flirt with, while I do the same. We've gone out dancing with married/dating friends, and did some super dirty grinding/dancing on our friends, them on us, etc.
> 
> .....


 next thing you'll say is you've got a Ferrari in your garage. Some guys have all the fun  While the rest of us have sex 3 times a month. 

Now where did I put my kleenex and vasaline? :rofl::lol:
=======================================

But seriously, I've spoken to my wife about this three years ago when the sex stopped. She wasn't up for it, though she claims she doesn't get jealous, I've seen her face (out the corner of my eye) when I'm around my ex-girlfriends or a females she knows wants me. so I doubt I'll ever experience a threesome  or even sex more than 3 times in a month.


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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

the guy said:


> Mrs. Payne,
> 
> Have the both of you been to a strip club?
> 
> My wife had a problem with me getting a lap dance so our view on swinging went out the window that night.


Hi nope none off us has been in a strip club, would like to.... so far it is a BIG turn on for me just to think of my h with somone else. I think it would be sexy somone else wanting your h. We have not done any thing yet. we are picky its not just for the sex but more about the fantasy. thanks for the reply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

JTL said:


> While my wife and i are not swingers, we have had some encounters on a few occasions. 4some's and mmf threesome's. Like previously stated, if you guys are solid, it will "probably" be fine. If not, you're done. We are, like you, a long time couple that started young with very limited experiences. For me, this sort of thing is perfect. I have never been interested in cheating on my wife. Not really even tempted. But, i wanted to have sex with at least a few other women or have some different sexual experiences. For us, because she too has her fair share of fantasies, this has worked. It also has spiced up our sex life afterward like a previous poster stated. We are not religious so we don't have the hang ups that so many have about the broken "vows" or commandments. For us it has never escalated and we still enjoy the odd experience. We are very happy we have done this and do not regret it for a second.


I dont think we would become lifesrylers maybe once or twice. What u have done sounds exciting! It nice to get positive feed back. so thanks for the relpy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## martydotcom (Sep 29, 2011)

Same story as Max.Sims except we've been married for 51yrs. Married at 19 & 17 she PG. We each had one other partner prior to marriage.
Swinging - never planned to do it just happened, everyone had a great time. And when the situation was comfy for all we did it. Never would think of doing behind my wife's back.. Sharing the experience is half the fun... Not for the faint of heart or insecure, but if you're really married to your best friend it's a ball


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Been there, done that. H and I had a very good marriage. I was the curious one. First woman we found was great. Second one a couple years later was almost our demise. Will never go there again. We are okay now, but he has mentoned several times that once you've had 2 women, you always want 2 women. I, like you, thought the idea of seeing him with someone else was a turn on. Until it happened. Then I admit I did have a hard time, and saw things about myself I didn't know. My advice-don't do it. Talk about it in bed, and leave it at that. I wish that's where I left it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The thing about the strip club, it gives the both of you an "introduction" to it all.
Just go out and have a fun night with out sex, just get a taste of watching then the both of you go home *alone* and discuss the feelings.

The last thing you want to do is go all out and run into problems. Again the strip club is just a way to see how you will "really" feel about having another chick all over your man for a few songs. 

Our experience at the strip club was somewhat uncomfortable for both of us and it changed my view. I'm glad we did it this way before we both got into the real thing. Make sence?


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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

HI well my h and i went to a sexpo 2weekends back. found it very exciting! we both had our first lap dances we both enjoyed it. we talk about the day on the way home. we laughed about our day. we both felt good about our excperiances. Like I siad prior We dont want to become lifrstylers we would do it for the fun and only once. dont think it is going to happen fast thou, we are piekie and have high standerds so we are not going to jump into bed with the firt people. Thanks for all your commens. IT GIVES ME A LOT TO THINK ABOUT AND ALL THE ADVICE IS SPREDIATED
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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