# Heartbroken84's Diary & Support Thread



## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Ok I've been posting here for a few weeks now & the support I've received has been amazing - thank you to each & every one of you that has taken the time to reply on my threads. I plan to keep updating this thread with my progress & setbacks and a way to see how things are changing, I hope to get support & friendship from people who understand. I need lots of support through this painful time & any input is appreciated!

(Sorry for having duplicate threads at the mo, hopefully the others will drop down)

Brief story:
Together: 11 1/2 yrs 
Married: 6yrs
Situation: Separated, Children, Mortgage, Business.

My H addictions have ruled our lives for years, 6mths ago I asked him to move to his parents as I didn't think I loved him anymore & he went off the rails - he went into rehab and came out 3mths ago. He begged me for another chance & I reluctantly agreed to see how things go whilst he remained living at his parents, my feelings slowly began to resurface for him as he earned my trust & began to see the good in him again. Unfortunately as we didn't address any issues in our relationship we quickly slipped back into the same toxic cycle we were in before & it was unhealthy for us both. 

On 18/01/14 he said it was over and that he needed to be on his own whilst he worked on his recovery/himself, he said he doesn't feel in love with me right now and that he doesn't know what will happen in the future but he can't handle any of it right now. He's very confused, giving very mixed signals & doesn't seem to have a clue what he wants/needs. I wholeheartedly agree that right now we need to be apart & work on ourselves, we need to have some distance & "heal" from all the hurt in the past before anything else but I also think that we should explore our options at a later date before going straight to divorce - he has said he's not in a place where he can commit to anything right now as he wants to be sure he's going to be able to give 100% IF he does decide to try again and I respect that.

I'm doing the 180 - mainly for me although I do admit that a part of me hopes it brings my H back too! I want to work on myself and getting myself into a good place regardless of what he does, I want to find myself and find out what I want from life & what makes me happy. I'm trying to focus on moving me & my kids forwards, having some fun with friends/family, keeping busy etc. 

I'm still learning & so looking for help and support with this horrible situation, we work together so it can make it difficult. I want to be mysterious to him, exciting & fun - I want him to wonder what he's missing & provoke some soul searching but I also want to come across as friendly & be able to communicate about the kids/work without conflict. I want to be ME and I'm feeling more like that every day, it's a slow process but every day that passes I grow a little stronger  I have bad days but they are becoming less frequent. I miss him terribly, mainly as my best friend, but I know right now this has to happen.

Thanks for reading if you got this far


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

We are here for you anytime!!!!!!!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thjor said:


> We are here for you anytime!!!!!!!



Thank you, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

My daughter has been so upset tonight missing her Daddy  hate this whole damn situation so much!! Why cant we just be a happy family again, why why why!!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I know my best friend is going through a divorce right now that involves 2 fantastic kids. She tells me she takes it a day at a time and really tries to make the best with what she can. On days like these she would take them out and keep them busy and their minds off their missing father or make up some fun games at home to keep them distracted. Sometimes she just lets them be upset because they need to grieve too for their broken family. I hope she is ok.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

It's so heartbreaking, it's hardest because I can't do anything to ease the pain for her  she's very sensitive & just doesn't understand why daddy would choose to not be here & spend lots of time here. Awful!

I've woken up feeling horrible today, that feeling in my gut & can't stop things playing in my head that I've lost him  even when I try to remind myself that he's not the man I want to be with right now I still can't get it out of my head - I feel broken today & so very lonely.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

He sent me this text last night:


> It will b ok in the end. Your a good person who will b happy. I'm still ill with my disease, I like being free but there's still something missing. I want u to b happy. X


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Oh honey you are absolutely breaking my heart. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you are reading GP's journal. I hope it helps you. Unfortunately I believe your ex is telling the truth when he says he's still sick. In the program we call it walking around with a god sized hole. It sounds like he's still looking for outside things to put in that hole and on some level still blames you for his hole. I'm here to tell you it's not your fault. You didn't cause this nor can you fix it. There' s only one thing that you can plug in to a god sized hole. He's right on one thing though. You will be happy one day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Ms. GP said:


> Oh honey you are absolutely breaking my heart. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you are reading GP's journal. I hope it helps you. Unfortunately I believe your ex is telling the truth when he says he's still sick. In the program we call it walking around with a god sized hole. It sounds like he's still looking for outside things to put in that hole and on some level still blames you for his hole. I'm here to tell you it's not your fault. You didn't cause this nor can you fix it. There' s only one thing that you can plug in to a god sized hole. He's right on one thing though. You will be happy one day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It's so hard - we both feel lost without each other but both know we can't be together  I know wholeheartedly it's not my fault, but I still wish I could make it all go away, it's so overwhelming.

He said last night too that he keeps wanting it to all go back to how it was because he can't handle all this, he's so confused & messed up - he also said he knows he's blocking everything out & should be focusing on himself but he doesn't know how. I just listened really, didn't offer advice or really respond, it's not my place to do that anymore.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Well the 180 has gone to pot today... he's in hospital having an operation & has had complications, he's texting me and I feel so bad not texting back & being there for him, i'm daft I know but I know he'd be there for me if I was in his position?! HELP!!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I know how much this is hurting you, but your are letting him have it both ways. He doesn't want you to be his wife, but he wants you to do the caring and support one gets from a spouse. Stop. It will only hurt you more in the end.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> I know how much this is hurting you, but your are letting him have it both ways. He doesn't want you to be his wife, but he wants you to do the caring and support one gets from a spouse. Stop. It will only hurt you more in the end.



I know I've kept texts to a minimum & not replied to most, it's very hard though & feels rubbish doing it but I know I can't let him just use me when it suits  feeling so broken today but pretending I'm great, it's hard!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Soon you won't have to pretend, you just will be great!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Awww sweetie i know it is hard but you will get through this, we all will. Stop replying to his texts. Worry about yourself right now and your child. Everything will eventually work out for the best. It is going to take time.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Soon you won't have to pretend, you just will be great!



Thanks! I hope your right I really do - can't imagine ever being happy about my family being apart  



Thjor said:


> Awww sweetie i know it is hard but you will get through this, we all will. Stop replying to his texts. Worry about yourself right now and your child. Everything will eventually work out for the best. It is going to take time.


He text me tonight after I'd taken the kids for a quick visit when he arrived home from hospital saying "Thanx for coming round ur a gud mum don t forget that. X"

Why does he make it so hard to hate him!!!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> Why does he make it so hard to hate him!!!


Keep contact with him and you'll be on that rollercoaster forever.

When you're indifferent to him, what he says, or what he does is when you will be over him.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> Keep contact with him and you'll be on that rollercoaster forever.
> 
> 
> 
> When you're indifferent to him, what he says, or what he does is when you will be over him.



But I don't want my marriage to be over either  confused!!!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Heartbroken84 said:


> But I don't want my marriage to be over either  confused!!!


It's not up to you. Go find a guy friend to hang out with. I bet that will wake him up.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

GutPunch said:


> It's not up to you. Go find a guy friend to hang out with. I bet that will wake him up.



I know I bet it would, but then I'm scared that will push him to finding a lady friend... Not ready for that yet. He keeps texting even though I'm not responding, he's defo noticing the change in me (even if some of it is pretending at the mo) and I'm feeling a little more "detached" I suppose.

He's joined Facebook too & added me as a friend... Just pretending his profile doesn't exist at the mo!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Proud of myself!!

He's rung 5 times this morning so I decided to call him back to make sure it wasn't anything urgent... it wasn't! He was telling me he felt rubbish after his operation etc & I just kept it polite. He asked why I'd not answered his calls so I said that I wanted to keep calls to a minimum as I need to put myself first & carry on moving myself forwards. He said we need to have a chat about things sometime so I said that I didn't think there was much point, it's done & after how he's handled all this I could never be with him - he said he's glad I'm feeling better about things but seemed shocked that I was saying it's done for good. 

It was hard to put my foot down but feel better for it, I hope one day soon he realises what he's done but if not I know I'll be ok - I'm strong & independant, I can do this!!! 

Had our house valued this morning, hope it sells fast as I really need a fresh start in a new home.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> Proud of myself!!
> 
> He's rung 5 times this morning so I decided to call him back to make sure it wasn't anything urgent... it wasn't! He was telling me he felt rubbish after his operation etc & I just kept it polite. He asked why I'd not answered his calls so I said that I wanted to keep calls to a minimum as I need to put myself first & carry on moving myself forwards. He said we need to have a chat about things sometime so I said that I didn't think there was much point, it's done & after how he's handled all this I could never be with him - he said he's glad I'm feeling better about things but seemed shocked that I was saying it's done for good.
> 
> ...


Ok good! You told him what's up. For your benefit I suggest NC and full 180. There's no need for more talk except for dissolving the relationship.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> Ok good! You told him what's up. For your benefit I suggest NC and full 180. There's no need for more talk except for dissolving the relationship.



We run a business together & have 2 kids so NC is impossible but can keep as LC as I can - I will see him at work when I'm in but will keep it as colleagues & business like?

He's rang again 3 times this PM, I answered the last one as he's due to collect kids from school (incase of a problem) and he was running through some work stuff then just kept extending the call when I tried to go & kept finding more things to talk about...


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Good for you. Sounds like you are feeling better about things. Keep it up.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yes been reading "Divorce Remedy" & "Divorce Busting" which are a fab books.

9 calls I haven't answered today, 3 I have.... One this AM then twice whilst with kids.

He's being extra nice & just seems to want to "chat" about anything so the 180 has defo got his attention!!! I'm amazed at the turn around to be honest.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Well I've woken up feeling a bit wobbly today, think it's because we've had minimal contact for days now & I'm beginning to miss him - I know I need to keep up this 180 though & let him go for my own benefit. 

Been reading divorce remedy & from what I've read his reaction is positive, the fact that he's suddenly very interested in the changes in me is good? The fact that he's being much more friendly & pleasant is a good sign too? 

I know I need to keep this up to give my marriage the best chance and more importantly for my own sanity - why is it so hard tho  support needed!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

He's rung my mobile 3 times & house phone 3 times this morning then sent a text (all as soon as he woke)... I answered his 7th call & when he asked why I wasn't answering I said "you made the decision you don't want me in your life anymore, I respect that & so I'm leaving you to get on with your life and I'm getting on with mine. I don't see the need in several calls every day, we aren't together anymore and I'd prefer if you text rather than ring please. It's nothing personal I just don't have much to say to you at the moment" he apologised and went really quiet and sad for the rest of the call, I kept upbeat and strong...

That was very difficult but I did it!!!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Good job very proud of you. I know it is tough, but i have got a feeling you are going to be just fine!!!


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

You are doing phenomnal! Im so proud of your strength and determination.

In the end whether you decide to take him back or not is irrelevant to the growth you have shown.

I'm really inspired by you! Im so glad you decided to share your journey with us here.

You will get what you deserve! You never gave up on him or your marriage. He did, and if he wants you back he will proove it to you!

xoxo i was so happy to read this!



Heartbroken84 said:


> He's rung my mobile 3 times & house phone 3 times this morning then sent a text (all as soon as he woke)... I answered his 7th call & when he asked why I wasn't answering I said "you made the decision you don't want me in your life anymore, I respect that & so I'm leaving you to get on with your life and I'm getting on with mine. I don't see the need in several calls every day, we aren't together anymore and I'd prefer if you text rather than ring please. It's nothing personal I just don't have much to say to you at the moment" he apologised and went really quiet and sad for the rest of the call, I kept upbeat and strong...
> 
> That was very difficult but I did it!!!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

*Thor* - Thank you!! I'm actually feeling sure I will be ok the past few days, regardless of what happens in my marriage!

*Brystensmom* - you have just as much strength inside you, it's just a case of finding it! There will come a point when you've had enough of being treated badly and have to put a stop to it for your own sanity, keep taking baby steps and you'll be fine too!!

*BBJmom* - give it a try! Everything I tried in the first few weeks just made my situation worse, the 180 goes against everything I'm used to but that's the point of it I suppose, I now know that if it's hard to do or act upon then I'm doing the right thing by following it through. So far it's had the desired effect although it's very early days still.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Missing him tonight, he's been on my mind a lot but it hasn't provoked the same pain & heartache as it would have a few weeks ago. 

I suppose I'm feeling lonely - I miss his company, his ability to make me laugh, his warmth & safety. It's taking every tiny bit of my strength not to contact him!!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Keep it up it will do you good.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I didn't contact last night  I just read my book & went to sleep.

He's been around this morning to see the kids, I've stayed out & upstairs when home. He asked lots about what we've been up to etc but I kept it quite brief & didn't tell him much - he seems really down, felt sorry for him but didn't mention anything which was hard. As he was going he put his hand on my shoulder & squeezed gently then said bye in a sad voice  I just said ok bye in a bright & happy voice...

So hard but I can feel myself moving forwards & that's what's important. Off out with family for a meal later so should be nice, feels strange still that he isn't coming with us though.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

You are doing well Hun!.

I took our oldest son out to lunch yesterday, it felt so weird not having his dad around with us, but we still enjoyed ourselves. Made sure not to breakdown infront of him. But all in all. I didnt contac the monster yesterday, he text to ask about the kids i responded soley in response to just that only.

Im so glad to see how strong you have been.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Go you, well done!!!  hope you enjoyed?

Meal was lovely, really enjoyed it. My son is poorly & need H on standby for taking my daughter to school but feel like I can't ask him cos I've got used to not contacting... Don't want to feel like I can't ask for help when I need it although I know it won't be forever.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Tough evening this evening - Overall I'm still feeling strong & much more emotionally stable, I'm missing him tonight though I have to admit.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

UPDATE

He's slept with the OW over the weekend, he confessed. I kinda knew it was coming & knew it was something he would do as part of him "finding himself" and what he wants  he said he thought it would make him feel better but if anything it's made him feel worse.

He cried, he broke down several times. He said he's glad I know because now he can be open with me & not have to hide his real feelings, he said it's made him feel closer to me?! He admitted that he's been having doubts about the separation and that he's been to afraid to face up to his feelings. 

I'm surprisingly calm... Maybe the calm before the storm? Or maybe just because I was expecting it? Heartbroken, feel like I may fall apart at any moment!


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Man, he's a mess. It sounds in a way like he's manipulating you. Like he wants someone to fix him. People don't fix people
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Ms. GP said:


> Man, he's a mess. It sounds in a way like he's manipulating you. Like he wants someone to fix him. People don't fix people
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I don't think he's manipulating at all to be honest, he just basically fell apart. He's a complete mess  I am too!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Heartbroken84 said:


> I don't think he's manipulating at all to be honest, he just basically fell apart. He's a complete mess  I am too!


Yes ma'am it is manipulation at it's finest. He slept with ow and you are feeling sorry for him. 

Strict 180! Never answer the phone just texts concerning kids. Find a new job. File for divorce and seek counseling for codependency.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

No I don't feel sorry for him in the slightest, he's created this & he can now live with it! Nothing's changed between us, nothing at all.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You feel sorry for him and that opens up the door for manipulation on his part. Who cares what a mess he is. That's on him. Focus on you. The 180 is the only way to go.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I don't believe for one minute this was the first time for him, just the first time he was willing to admit it to you. Don't buy into this crap. It as though he thinks if you are on board with D, he can admit what he's up to because he doesn't have to worry about hurting you. And why did you have this kind of conversation with him. Not much of a 180 if he telling you his score card.
I'm not trying to beat you up about this, but your post sounded a bit too sympathetic for his situation, which leads to more pain for you down the line.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

He may or may not be doing it consciously, but you are no longer his sounding board. He needs to accept that and work on his issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> I don't believe for one minute this was the first time for him, just the first time he was willing to admit it to you. Don't buy into this crap. It as though he thinks if you are on board with D, he can admit what he's up to because he doesn't have to worry about hurting you. And why did you have this kind of conversation with him. Not much of a 180 if he telling you his score card.
> I'm not trying to beat you up about this, but your post sounded a bit too sympathetic for his situation, which leads to more pain for you down the line.



You know what you don't know me, him or the full situation & it wasn't the way your portraying it. I'm not going to try & convince you otherwise.

Thanks for your advice, I'm sure you mean well but I don't need judgement right now.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Openminded said:


> You feel sorry for him and that opens up the door for manipulation on his part. Who cares what a mess he is. That's on him. Focus on you. The 180 is the only way to go.



I do feel sorry for him yes but I haven't shown him that, hence the reason why I'm doing it here instead. He won't manipulate me, believe me I know him & won't allow it anymore.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Ms. GP said:


> He may or may not be doing it consciously, but you are no longer his sounding board. He needs to accept that and work on his issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree I'm not his sounding board, I've told him exactly that. I'm all over today so 180 isn't at the forefront of my mind but I'll be back onto it tomorrow for sure - I just need to get through today the best way I can.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

HB 84,

PLEASE listen to these people. 

He's cake eating right now. He gets to see you, spend time with the kids when it's convenient for him, and he's boinking the POSOW. He's probably hoping he can boink you too.

You need to realize this. Don't get angry at us, blame HIM.

You need to do a hard and firm 180. And set down a firm boundary. 

NC except for discussing kids or divorce. 

Make a parenting arrangement. Stick to it. None of this dropping by to tuck in the kids. HE LOST THAT PERK WHEN HE SLIPPED IT IN HER.

Keep him away from you and work out a custody arrangement. Whoever has the kids, NC. There's nothing to talk about except the kids and the divorce. 

No discussions. No hang outs. No hugs. No sorry. 

He made his choice. Hold him to it.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I apologise everyone - yesterday my emotions got the better of me & I couldn't see or think clearly. You are all right, I've been a complete fool and fallen for his crap, he opened up and showed his real emotions and it was so nice to feel that connection again but I should know by now that he soon shuts back down and goes cold again.

I've been such an idiot, i'm so angry at myself for letting him suck me in - I really cant do this anymore, I cant allow him to play with my feelings and emotions any longer, I have to put a stop to this and I have to be strong.

I really have no idea how i'm going to do this but I HAVE to, I'm writing this through my tears and my heart feels like its been shattered into a million pieces, I just want an end to all of this misery and heartache, I NEED an end to all this misery and heartache.

We've both agreed to no contact except for pickup/drop of the kids and when I'm at work.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Don't be angry with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You have a disease. It's called codependency. This stuff is hard. Try to focus on today and what you can do today to be kind to yourself. Your not bad. Your sick. Big hugs. Your doing great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Ms. GP said:


> Don't be angry with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You have a disease. It's called codependency. This stuff is hard. Try to focus on today and what you can do today to be kind to yourself. Your not bad. Your sick. Big hugs. Your doing great.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm reading codependant no more at the moment, I definitely am codependant  I was going to al-anon but H had the kids whilst I went & I've stopped him having the kids here so I cant go anymore.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Heartbroken84 said:


> I'm reading codependant no more at the moment, I definitely am codependant  I was going to al-anon but H had the kids whilst I went & I've stopped him having the kids here so I cant go anymore.


When is his time with the kids? Go then.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

GutPunch said:


> When is his time with the kids? Go then.


All of the meetings are after the kids are in bed, he doesnt have his own place at the moment so cant have them overnight yet.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

HB,
Is there another family or single parent close by that might be interested in swapping child care? You might not get to as many meetings as you'd like, but it might help alittle.
Please know that I completely understand your pain. Don't give up on TAM, it is a good outlet, and Never give up on you. You are so worth the effort


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Where is he staying?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> HB,
> Is there another family or single parent close by that might be interested in swapping child care? You might not get to as many meetings as you'd like, but it might help alittle.
> Please know that I completely understand your pain. Don't give up on TAM, it is a good outlet, and Never give up on you. You are so worth the effort


I dont really have anyone that doesnt have children that would be in bed, my parents are usually around but not on a monday but I may look at if there are any other meetings.

Tonight i've given up on me  I have no fight left in me.



GutPunch said:


> Where is he staying?


He's at his parents as he's still paying the mortgage here until the house sells as i'm unable to work due to long term illness.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Why can't the kids stay there? Seems you are doing all the parenting while he just visits. I'd put a stop to that. I would document how much time he actually spends with his kids.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

GutPunch said:


> Why can't the kids stay there? Seems you are doing all the parenting while he just visits. I'd put a stop to that. I would document how much time he actually spends with his kids.



He wants to see the kids as much as possible, we've tried to do it gradually so that they get used to the transition. They have never stayed away from home so it's a big thing for them, they've had a lot of upheaval already. I do plan on starting the overnights in the next few weeks though as I love my kids more than anything but I defo need the break!!!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I'm so sorry.

It's NOT you.

It's him. HE'S robbing you and your children of their father and husband. HE can make choices starting this INSTANT to be the man he should.

I have to tell you. It's not fair but I get PISSED off I did everything I could from the moment I had an iota of unhappiness and never was given a chance. So for a guy like me who has moved mountains to try to keep his family I have less than zero ability to comprehend a dumbazz that doesn't get his act together for a woman and kids that love him and give him thousands of feet of rope.

Sorry for the rant. I see so many crappy guys and now I'm wearing the label I didn't earn but have it anyway. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I just do right now.

Start over. Stay strong.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

LBHmidwest said:


> I'm so sorry.
> 
> It's NOT you.
> 
> ...



It's insane isn't it, I just don't get how someone can be so selfish - I thought I knew him but he's not that man anymore, he's a stranger to me now. 

I've given up on the hope of him realising anything, he's too selfish to give up his freedom/women because it's all about what HE wants - although he claims that he knows his happiness lies with me & without me he'll never be happy :/ how does that work??!!!

I'm so angry today, I've just broken the NC to send him a piece of my mind (via text) so that I can draw a line I suppose - had to get it off my chest & boy did I give it him, he's been calling since but I've ignored.

No idea how I'm going to get through this but I know somehow I will


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We never truly know people, in reality. We aren't inside their brains. So when they do these things we are shocked. 

At the end of the day we can only really depend on ourselves. That was a hard lesson for me to learn but not one I will forget. You'll come out of this much stronger.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thanks I hope so, it sure as hell doesn't feel like it now but I'm too stubborn not to get myself through this & come out the other side!! I know now that I have to let him go completely & move on with my life, it took for me to hit rock bottom yesterday to realise that I just can't allow him to treat me like this anymore. 

He's called me 6 times today and text me 3 times, all ignored, what part of DO NOT CONTACT ME doesn't he understand?!


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

He's definitely not respecting your boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

He has no respect for anyone, full stop!!!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Why do I still have a glimmer of hope that he may come to his senses, realise he's made a mistake & want to try again... Even though I know it's insane to think it I can't get rid of that hope.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Feeling very lonely today, keep wondering what he's up to & how he's doing - sticking with the NC of course but that doesn't stop the wondering! I'm just sleeping all the time to pass the time but back to dreaming about him again 

I need to sort through all our paperwork & stuff in the next few days and give it to him so he's no need to ask about any of it.

I will see him tomorrow at work & I'm dreading it to be honest :/ going to get what I need to do done then get outta there as quick as I can. Hope he doesn't try to talk about anything to me.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I suggest you stop focusing on him quite so much. I know you are just venting here but we want you to get better. That starts with you focusing on YOU not him. Tell us about the workout you have planned.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I know I need to, it's just somewhere I've been venting i suppose so prob seems like all the focus is on him. 

For ME I'm:
* reading self help books
* friends coming this evening
* out tomorrow for drinks with friends
* lots of quality time with my kids
* trying to arrange some IC
* trying to eat better as I've lost too much weight & still can't eat!
* getting house ready to sell so we can move.
* attempting to detach!
* working on reducing the obsessional thoughts about him.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Heartbroken84 said:


> I know I need to, it's just somewhere I've been venting i suppose so prob seems like all the focus is on him.
> 
> For ME I'm:
> * reading self help books
> ...



Excellent keep it up. I went from 205lbs. to 180 lbs. when I had my ordeal. Anxiety and eating don't go together for me.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

GutPunch said:


> Excellent keep it up. I went from 205lbs. to 180 lbs. when I had my ordeal. Anxiety and eating don't go together for me.



Well done you!!
Yeh I've lost 40lb which has made me feel sooo much better  however I'm struggling to eat still & still loosing, anxiety and eating don't go together for me either, it's making me feel weak & poorly though so need to get it addressed.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Why is this so god damn hard?!! Feels like it will never get any easier  

Tonight I'm going out for drinks with some girl friends, really don't feel like it but know I'll enjoy it once I'm out - hope I can shut off my "video player" head for a while & forget about him, so hard at the mo but I'm trying. 

Trying to see the positives in amongst all the crap, my beautiful kids are defo worth carrying on for.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Heartbroken,

((Hugs from Florida)) trust me they are pretty warm!

Not much to say. Remember the End looks just like the beginning. Stay focused! Don't forget the circumstances that led you here.
Find that spark and keep moving forward no matter what the outcome is.

You will not stop exsisting.. You are real, a real person, and this pain is very real but it doesn't and it WONT control you or your future.

We ride these waves, sometimes high and sometimes they just roll into shore. But we will be ok. We have to be?

xoxo!!!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Brystensmom said:


> Heartbroken,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thank you, I wish it was warm here it's freezing!! 

Your right & I just need to keep moving forwards and do the best I can. I'm trying to keep busy and build a new life for myself, it's hard when it all feels so alien though isn't it, I can do this!!

Seeing the kids so devastated & heartbroken is what hurts the most, I feel like I've failed them in some way even though I know it's all his fault I somehow feel guilty & like I've let them down. I know they'll be happiest with 2 happy parents though so trying to think of it that way x


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

HB,
I understand exactly how you feel. When my ex first left I was devastated that my marriage was over, even while I felt relieved that his emotional abuse was gone. He's turned out to be a horrible father, which initially brought along its own type of guilt. In my co-dependent-mindset, I felt guilty for having brought this loser of a man into their lives. If I hadn't married him they wouldn't be feeling this pain. It was all my failure.
Guess what. its' not my fault. I did not lie, or cheat, or betray my spouse. I did not abuse my family. I cannot control the actions of another person. And if I hadn't married him I would not have two of the most precious human beings as my family. The ex has been gone 22 months. The kids are doing just fine, they are doing well in school, they help around the house, they are considerate of other people. Most importantly, they are happier now, without his emotional abuse and rantings, then they were when we were together. I know it was the right thing to do.
Give yourself time, this is still all new to you and the children.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Hugs from here, too. It's so hard, I know. 

My H has not contacted me at all today, and was pretty quiet when I left this morning. My head is telling me that he is tired, and has a lot going on at work. My heart is telling me he had IC today and is withdrawn and pulling farther away. It's seems so silly to be a grown woman who knows my marriage is over, and yet I'm obsessing about this today. So yeah, it's hard. And while I don't have warm sunny hugs to send your way, hugs all the same.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pluto2 it's really hard isn't it, I know none of this is my fault & he's caused it all but I suppose I feel guilty because I couldn't protect them from it either - it's out of my hands & there's nothing I can do other than be the best mum I can & support them through this. Good on you for being strong & moving forwards, sounds like your an amazing mum! 

Bothtoonice that's the hardest part for me right now, not wondering and trying to figure out the whys & reasons for how he's acting & feeling - even though I know it's pointless & a complete waste of my energy I still find myself doing it. Hope your feeling a little better?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

My stbxh is with another woman, she's less than desirable (ex addict, pickpocket, children in care, 10yrs older) and I can't stop thinking about them together  I can't stop obsessing about it & wondering why he's chosen her over me? 

It's driving me insane, does this get easier? How can I move past this?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Anyone around? xx


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Well drinking alcohol doesn't work well when you know your STBX is hooked up with his new piece  also angry cos my daughter was poorly and wanted her daddy on the phone but he was too busy with his new life, I had to make up a lie to protect my daughter. 

Anger is the feeling of today, least when I'm angry I don't miss him or care about him!!!! 

Today I'm going to cuddle up with my babies & thank my lucky stars that I've got them to wake up with and I'm not waking up next to some skank! I've got a fantastic opportunity to build a new & HAPPY life for me and the kids, need to keep that in focus instead of him & his existence.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I'm so sorry. It's hard for the rational to deal with the irrational.

I wish I could write the right words.

In effect, we have to choose to move on but as much as we want to force ourselves too it comes with time. Infidelity, especially to a "lesser model", hurts deeply.

But it isn't about you, it's about them.

Protect yourself, protect your child. Try to keep your heart from hardening so when the right guy comes along you can love again.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)




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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yes your right, maybe I just need to allow these emotions & go through the healing process instead of trying to speed it up all the time. 

I know I need to start taking better care of myself both emotionally & physically (eating/sleeping) and maybe that will help me think more rationally.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

> Well drinking alcohol doesn't work well when you know your STBX is hooked up with his new piece  also angry cos my daughter was poorly and wanted her daddy on the phone but he was too busy with his new life, I had to make up a lie to protect my daughter.


Do not lie to your daughter. You cannot shield her from this. You tell her in an age appropriate way exactly what is going on.

I've heard stories where kids hated the BS more than the pos cheater because the BS lied to them in order to protect the DS. Not a good idea.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

GutPunch said:


> Do not lie to your daughter. You cannot shield her from this. You tell her in an age appropriate way exactly what is going on.
> 
> 
> 
> I've heard stories where kids hated the BS more than the pos cheater because the BS lied to them in order to protect the DS. Not a good idea.



I just told her he's asleep (which he was) I just didn't tell her where, I've been as honest as possible for her age throughout. 

She said earlier "what can I do to help you & daddy get along better so daddy can come back home" so I told her that daddy has made the decision that he doesn't want to live with mummy anymore but that doesn't mean he loves her and her brother any less and its nothing that she's done or can do, that he loves them lots but can't live here anymore.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

All you can do.... She'll notice you have all the friends and he doesn't next too.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

So sorry you had a rough night. Everyone here has such kind and thoughtful words, I'm not sure what I could add. Except to say that it sounds like you said just the right things to your daughter. Always be honest without being bitter. It sounds like you did just that. 
It may not always feel like it, but I think you are doing great. 
(((Hugs)))


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thank you 

I think I turned a corner yesterday, the (very nearly) full acceptance that my marriage is over hit me like a tonne of bricks yesterday and I completely fell apart but I feel very slightly better today and know I need to start taking care of myself better physically (eating, sleeping, tlc) so that I feel better mentally.

I need to stop focusing on the future & all the things I WONT get to do and focus on right now and the things I CAN do - I need to find my inner strength, I know it's in there somewhere!!

The kids are with daddy today for most of the day so I'm going to make the most of it & catch up on some sleep/rest then I'm going to do a 'plan' of how to move myself forward and what things I need to get organised.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

That sounds like a good idea. I hope today is a better day!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

You'll have that "hit with a ton of bricks" thing a lot. Hard to predict what triggers it. The cycles will be shorter in length and duration but just as painful.

keep going..


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Ok so I need some advice please you lovely people....

I have the D papers ready to be filled in & signed, but I'm still very unsure if it's what I want to do.

I don't want to be with my H now at all & not for the foreseeable future, he has so many issues and problems to resolve that he's just not a good person to have in my life. I also need to work on my own issues and find myself again, i want to be on my own and take some time to focus on me (and the kids obviously!) - I'm selling our house and getting my own place and want to do all that before even thinking about relationships. 

I have a feeling that later down the line when he's resolved some of his issues/resentments and I'm in a better place then we may come back together, we have both agreed that this is a likely possibility but of course nether know what the future holds. My H has never asked for D or even mentioned it, I went down that route as I felt he'd left me no choice. 

So my question is this - do I file for D anyway even though I'm not sure it's what I want, or do I delay it but risk him thinking I'm "waiting around" for him? I know D can be stopped if things changed but am I just moving one step closer and sealing the deal so to speak? Help?!!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

File the divorce. Or else he'll keep playing his games with you. When he finally dumps you for good he will divorce you. Then you will be even more hurt than you are now.

Nobody wants a divorce. Divorce sucks. But it's better to divorce someone than to be divorced by someone.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> File the divorce. Or else he'll keep playing his games with you. When he finally dumps you for good he will divorce you. Then you will be even more hurt than you are now.
> 
> 
> 
> Nobody wants a divorce. Divorce sucks. But it's better to divorce someone than to be divorced by someone.



Very true - I'm worried I'm piling on extra pressure onto myself (as well as selling house & trying to build my life again) too, don't want to make myself poorly.

I'm going to fill out the paperwork anyway and don't have to court fee yet so can't file straight away.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> Very true - I'm worried I'm piling on extra pressure onto myself (as well as selling house & trying to build my life again) too, don't want to make myself poorly.
> 
> I'm going to fill out the paperwork anyway and don't have to court fee yet so can't file straight away.


File the divorce. Focus most on a parenting plan/schedule. Then concentrate on dissolving the marriage and dividing the joint property, assets, and debts.

Don't make any other life changing decisions right now, like a career change or a major relocation to a new city. You can always address that stuff later. Right now focus on what is best for you and the children.

Just focus on making a new routine that is stable, calm, and healthy.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I have to agree-File for divorce
I know you want to believe he will change and come to his sense, and I certainly have no crystal ball. But it sounds like you hesitancy about divorcing is based on your hope that he will change. Is that realistic? How are you and the children protected in the meantime? What if he gets worse (trust me when I say it happens)?
Focus on you and the children. Do what you need to do to keep them safe and in a stable environment. The only way that you know you and the kids will be alright, is if you make it happen. You cannot count on your H at the moment.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

What does divorce change though, how does it protect us? That's what I'm struggling to understand, what different it will make to the situation right now if that makes sense?


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> What does divorce change though, how does it protect us? That's what I'm struggling to understand, what different it will make to the situation right now if that makes sense?


Divorce is THE final boundary in a relationship. It says: you are not welcome in my life!

After the divorce there is no reason for you to communicate with him concerning anything other than coordinating parenting activities.

After a while the routine becomes normalized and you will only see and briefly speak with him whenever your paths cross concerning children activities. I suggest trying to be civil but detached.

Remember, he is not your friend. He made his choice. Hold him to it. It's just business now.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Legally, divorce is a protection from his poor judgements.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Bought myself a "commitment ring" today, it's my commitment to ME and to take care of myself and my feelings from now on  thought it was a nice reminder to keep the focus here plus it feels good to wear a ring as was missing my wedding ring!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> Bought myself a "commitment ring" today, it's my commitment to ME and to take care of myself and my feelings from now on  thought it was a nice reminder to keep the focus here plus it feels good to wear a ring as was missing my wedding ring!
> 
> View attachment 18449


What a great idea! Very positive and it's good to treat yourself.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Nice good choice. I got my bonus cheque this week and I put half towards my credit card and the rest I bought myself an iPad.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

What a beautiful idea! I am filing that one away for future use.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

(And it's a beautiful ring, too!!)


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

it's a reminder to me to put myself first! It's helped so far!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Fabulous idea! Very positive reinforcement for you.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Wow the tonne of bricks hit me again....

I rang him to arrange when we can sit down to do the divorce paperwork and it ended up with me getting upset & now I feel so crap  why can't I just shut off my feelings like he can?! 

I feel really down & alone tonight - I'm trying to look at my kids and stay positive but struggling.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Aww sweetie, we are here. Just cause he does not seem to have any feelings does not mean once he is off the phone with you that he is not having a complete meltdown himself. I learned that with my H. Men do not like to show their emotions and look weak(at least the ones I have known). Take comfort in the fact he is probably have a meltdown himself.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yeh he is struggling he said that on the phone, he blocks it out as it's his way of dealing with it I suppose. 

I can't help but wish things were different & wish things could be heading in a different direction  I feel so so lonely today, I just want my husband to hold me in his arms and tell me it's all going to be ok


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

((Hugs))


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

So sorry you are struggling today. Sending you good thoughts. It will be ok. I promise.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I just have no words right now, I just feel broken, completely & utterly broken beyond repair.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Find something, quickly, to help take your mind utterly off your situation. Read to the kids, clean a closet out, watch a movie, call a friend.
You are not alone and you will make it through this.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thank you


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

(((((( Heartbroken ))))))

And my arms are damn big  with a chest to match, sob away. You've earned and it has to happen, let it go...


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Big hug from me too !!!!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Can I be in the middle of the hug?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Woken up feeling so anxious & sick, why can't I just accept that he doesn't want me anymore and move on  it's so hard. I feel so rejected & lonely.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

QUESTION....

If my H doesnt want to be with me anymore, doesn't love me or want to attempt to save our marriage why does he want me to be such a huge part of his life still? To me if he's finished with our marriage and that's what makes him happy then why isn't he walking away and getting on with his new life, why is he still going round in circles trying his absolute best to keep me around and in his life as much as possible? 

I know he's trying to "cake-eat" (and i'm doing my best not to allow it!) but what I dont understand is why?!! If i'm so awful why does he want me as a constant in his life?! He rings me anything from 5-10 times a day (often I dont answer) just for a chat or uses an excuse that its for the business - why does he want to talk to me all the time if he's done?

If it was me walking away i'd be not contacting him and i'd be building my new life, he's not he's just burying his head in the sand by throwing himself into work and not dealing with anything.

CONFUSED!!!!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I know how much pain you are in. You may never really know what's going on inside his mind, and that is something you may need to work on accepting. But consider a few things.

In the past, has he been a decisive man. Has he been the type who makes a decision and then just gets on with it? If not, then he's acting the same way he always has.
Some people are cake-eaters. Its a type of self-deception for them. They can avoid dealing with the pain their actions are causing by pretending to participate in the family unit.
Some people like to have a Plan B. They will try to string you along, to the extent you permit them, just in case their other plans fall through.
I wish I could answer these questions and ease your pain, but sadly its pain many of us have also dealt with.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thanks for trying to answer, it makes sense. He seems SO confused & I just thought that if it's defo what he wants then why so much confusion?!!

 hurts so bad, I'm getting there with accepting things (slowly) but the pain is still just as real  awful awful awful!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

When I look back at the past few weeks I can see just how far i've come, at times it really doesnt feel like it but looking back now I know I have. I realise what is needed now for me to move forwards, I need to get myself into a good place and find out who I am and what I want from life, I need to build myself up and make a life for myself and my kids away from my husband and let him go on the journey that he needs to go on - if later down the line things change then I will deal with that then but right now I know I need to just get on with it and deal with whats happening at the moment. I know i'll have good/bad days but I have more clarity on the situation.

I've had my first IC session today and it was good, helped me get things straight and make sense of a few things - I think i've more or less accepted now that i'll never understand why he's made these decisions and choices so I need to try to put that out of my mind and just move forwards.

We've set up a meet up on Monday evening to talk (as we havent properly talked since this all happened) and both be completely honest about where we're at and how we ended up here, also to share what we want in our futures too. We also need to sort out some paperwork/finances and to talk about if we're going ahead with divorce, at the moment he thinks thats my intention but i've decided to delay for a little while until things are clearer in my head.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I miss family life so much today, i miss having my H around to share those special moments  life sucks & is so unfair. Sad today, very sad.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Go back and read your prior post. Remember how far you have come. It's okay to grieve for what we are losing, for what is changing. But find things to look forward to, as well. I just got back from my first IC session, too. I've been struck by how similar a few of us are in our journeys right now. We're gonna get through this, ok? 

Just be kind to yourself today. Go work out. Catch up on a tv show. But look ahead. ((Hugs))


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I know I'm glad in a lot of ways I'm going through this as it's given me the opportunity to grow as a person and figure out what I want in life. 

Just missing him an awful lot today, I've let him go & know there's no going back on that now, all part of the process I suppose.

Thank you Bothtoonice x


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I've hit 4 months. It's better... but not always. Wish it was.

Keep waking up and trying. Fake it. Concentrate on you.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

LBHmidwest said:


> I've hit 4 months. It's better... but not always. Wish it was.
> 
> Keep waking up and trying. Fake it. Concentrate on you.



Yeh I'm doing a lot of "acting as if" at the moment, one day hopefully I'll begin to believe it! Glad your having better days, I live in hope.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

He's just called round & we sat and talked for ages - he's been very honest & said he's really feeling it now and is struggling, he said his respect for me is coming back and that his resentments are less than they we're but he's carrying so much guilt from what he's put me through (and the kids) during addiction and thinks that's playing a big part in it. He said he's not fit to be in a relationship and that although he misses his family very much he doesn't feel able to commit to us right now. He listened to me & was in tears at how much he's hurt me, he apologised lots for hurting me and his behaviour.

I'm just glad he's being open, past few weeks he's really opened up when I've seen him (off his own back) and wanted to talk about everything instead of blocking it out & shutting down.

I miss him a lot, but I've let him go because I know I have to, if he comes back then at least that's because he WANTS to and if not then I hope we'll both somehow be happy.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Spent the morning with H today as we promised the kids weeks ago that we'd all go swimming (id been stalling but couldn't any longer!). We had a lovely day, so nice and was just like old times where we both laughed & enjoyed each other's company, H said on the way home that he'd "really enjoyed today" and that he "feels so much better about things now the pressure is off" so I asked what he meant & he said he's not sure but he feels much better towards/around me and the way things are going (?!).

It's progress in the right direction, he's definitely moving forwards emotionally now which is good, he's not just burying his head in the sand anymore. I'm not taking it on board too much, just going to carry on working on myself & moving forwards - of course I hope that the fog is lifting for him but either way I can only control me & myself!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Sounds like you had a good day. Keep working on you.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yes it has been, hope thing continue to feel better  thanks Thjor, how are you?


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Don't fall for him again.... at least for quite awhile...


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

No I'm not, I'm just standing back & watching the changes really. I'm using the book "Divorce Remedy" and it's been really helpful.

I've definitely detached a lot, I think "letting go" of my marriage as it was and letting go of my H has been a huge turning point to be honest.

We have a meet up tonight to discuss financial stuff & how we move forward, I'll be offering the signed D papers if that's what he wants... Eeek!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

HB, you have come a long way...but.
The last line of your post.
You'll give him the divorce papers if that's what he wants. 
Why are you still giving him the power over your life? What if what he wants is to string this along for as long as possible?
Take control.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I don't want a divorce yet, I thought I did & said I'd get the paperwork ready as that's what I wanted but have realised since that I was making that decision based on emotion/hurt & so have decided to delay until I'm in a better place before I make any decisions. Plus I don't have the court fee yet either. 

He's not in control, I am, if he was in control then I'd be making my decision based on him not me & my children.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> HB, you have come a long way...but.
> The last line of your post.
> You'll give him the divorce papers if that's what he wants.
> Why are you still giving him the power over your life? What if what he wants is to string this along for as long as possible?
> Take control.


He's got it pretty good right now. He's banging the other woman and hanging out with HB and the kids whenever it's convenient...why would he want a divorce right now? He hasn't lost anything. 

He might even get some from HB again. It's such a lovely day and everybody is happy and in a good mood. Perhaps he'll find a third woman to through it into. Why not, there's no consequences for treating people like sh!t.

Or maybe OW gives him ultimatum. Then he dumps HB or comes crawling back...until next time. Oops.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Your entitled to your opinion, that's fair enough - this is my life, I make my own decisions based on the whole situation and what's best for me and my kids - your perfectly welcome to judge me, but don't expect me to pay any attention when you do.

He doesn't hang out with me ever (except for yesterday as a one off) he sees the kids on set days/times only & we work in the same workplace twice a week. I'm building my life without him, simple.

I DONT want to divorce him right now, that is MY decision & I really don't understand why people on here can't respect that.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I understand Heartbroken84, this is your life and you are the one who has to live with the decisions you make. I think pictureless is just trying to get you to see the potential otherside of things and look out for you. We are all here for you no matter what you decide.!! Hugs Thjor. Ps. read my thread today for updates on my situation.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

It's frustrating because the people who judge know about 3% of the situation - I make my own decisions, own mistakes & live with the consequences. I would rather do it MY way and have no regrets than listen to well meaning outsiders and always wonder if I should have trusted my gut. 

It's MY life & it's not how Pictureless has painted it at all. 

Wil catch up on your thread now!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

HB, I understand that this is a major decision that you are not taking lightly. I see you gaining strength each day, and that you are moving forward toward what is best for your family. It's perfectly fine that you are taking time to figure out what exactly that means. 

I have found some great support on here, but it does seem that things are pretty black and white in some people's eyes. "He's obviously cheating. Leave him now." "Whatever you do, do not divorce. It will be the worst thing you've ever done." The bottom line is, these are our decisions to make... Or in some of our cases, we haven't been given that choice! In the end, you will do what is right for you-because you are giving yourself the time and tools you need.

I think you are doing great. This is really hard, and some days we just need to come on here to tell someone what happened today. I hope you keep doing that.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

HB,
I am not trying to judge you or the difficult decision you are making. I also am not trying to push you to D, even if it may appear that way. Believe me I know how hard it can be to do what you believe you need to for your children.
You have stated that your H is an addict (trying to get help), and he is currently seeing OW.
I can't tell you what to do, and I am not trying. All I can do is share my own experiences. My ex was emotionally abusive. I let it go on far too long. I thought it was better for the kids to see that families stick together. He suffered from depression and when it was at its worst he was psychotic. Of course we didn't know that at the time. But I was painfully aware of the abuse he was heaping on me and the kids. I insisted he get help or we were getting a divorce. After much denial, he finally went to a MD and was diagnosed and put on meds. It did help, a little. Then things started getting worse. After several vague suicide threats he admitted during one fight that he hadn't been honest with his therapist because it would make him look like a loser. He stopped taking meds. He was cheating-a lot. My D discovered his OW.
To this day, he maintains I threw him out for no reason. He is blameless.
My point to this was when I was trying to stand by him and keep our family together-for the kids-they were being hurt by his abuse. They saw that I was being disrespected, and in pain. I wanted them to know that no one, not a spouse, should be treated that way. I wanted them to know that they should never suffer through that type of disrespect. I wanted them to know when they enter a romantic relationship in the future it was their responsibility to demand respect. There are consequences for bad behavior and what those consequences may be are entirely up to you.
I never meant to make this harder on you.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pluto2 - I know that, you don't need to explain. Everyone is entitled to an opinion & I don't doubt everyone has the best intentions.

He's in recovery & has done 6 months clean, he's doing really well & is working hard to better himself and stay on track as well as taking responsibility for everything he did wrong in the past - a big reason for him walking has been because he was struggling with staying in recovery & the problems in our relationship.

He's not in a relationship with OW he had a one night stand with her after we separated - he's still in contact but not seen her since (I'm certain on this). I don't condone this but believe I could forgive given the right circumstances in the future. 

I understand people are trying to help but there is a hell of a lot more to my story than I've disclosed, I would never ever put my children at risk for the sake of a relationship and that's exactly the reason I asked him to move out 7 months ago before he got clean. I haven't taken any decisions lightly and the decisions not to file for divorce has been a tough one but it's one I feel is right for me at the moment.

I have absolutely no intention of letting H back into my life at the moment, it's not an option, I need to get myself into a good place and deal with some of my own issues before I even contemplate a relationship with anyone. Me & my H are both in recovery in a lot of sense, we are both healing from the destruction addiction has caused and both hopefully moving to better places regardless of our marriage. 

I just don't like being jumped on if what I choose isn't what the majority would choose, it's as though because I haven't instantly filed for D I'm a mug and letting him walk all over me, it's absolutely not like that at all.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I get it.
Everyone's relationship is complicated, and on a board like this it is often easy to make an anonymous snap judgment. What ever happens, please know there is a group of people here that understand the pain, and want nothing more than to help.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Bothtoonice - thank you for your kind words, it's very easy for an outsider to make a judgement on what we SHOULD be doing but that judgement isn't based on a full picture of the people & situation involved.

I'm doing what I believe is right, I've spoken to many family members and ensured I've looked at all my options first - it's definitely not black & white, it would be easier if it was! 

Thanks again for your reply


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Whatever you decide, I support you as probably do us all. There is a lot to consider.

I think part of it for me is that it it's hard for many of us who have been left to watch someone let the walkaway spouse walk over the one we care for.

Most of us, whether we'd admit it or not, would crawl through hell for just one chance to put our family back together.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

LBHmidwest said:


> Whatever you decide, I support you as probably do us all. There is a lot to consider.
> 
> I think part of it for me is that it it's hard for many of us who have been left to watch someone let the walkaway spouse walk over the one we care for.
> 
> Most of us, whether we'd admit it or not, would crawl through hell for just one chance to put our family back together.



Thanks for your support. Right now I'm figuring out if I have that chance to put my family back together, despite his many faults I love my husband and would like to explore our options in the future before divorce. Right now we need to work on ourselves.

We talked lots, it went well & we've both come away to think about what was discussed & will talk again in a few days days. I won't go into it here as don't want jumping on


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Tell him exactly what you want. Don't mince words. Let there be consequences.

I'm a far better man than I was last November. It won't fix things, only me. But I think it takes an epiphany for someone to "really" change and stick with it.

Don't give him latitude that is very wide.

Make him earn it. You deserve his best.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

It didn't really get that far LBH as I don't think it's the right time to have that kind of discussions, we just both talked about what we want & what our options are so we can both think about how we move forwards.

We both agreed that we need to work on ourselves first then would need to come together in MC. He did conclude that he'd like to be friends and see what happens so I told him that I would like that but I'm completely unwilling to do that whilst he's in contact with the girl he slept with which he said is fair enough. As he left he said he needs to make some decisions & that "he needs to find some strength and do what's right" so I'm not sure what that means. 

Loads more was discussed too but too much to go into.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What it likely means is that he's not ready to let go of her yet.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

HB, I know you are going to do to what your heart is telling you. Based solely on what is on this board, IMO it sure sounds as if he is keeping you as a Plan B, telling you just enough to keep you from ending your relationship -without the hassle of a full fledged marriage. 
I hope I am wrong.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I'm not sure he is ready let go just yet, if that's the case then it doesn't really effect much right now, i just means me & him can't be "friends" and can't work through anything.

Our relationship has ended, it's over & done with and there's no going back for me as it was not healthy for either of us - I don't ever want to go back to that.

He said I am everything he wants but the love isn't there & he wishes it was  I'm sad obviously, but my main priority right now is me & the kids.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Ive decided tonight to go NC/LC again long term, I don't want to play by his rules anymore & so I'm bringing in my own  he looked horrified today when I told him I was done & he won't see me for a good while!

I've emailed him with stuff regarding the kids/finances and arranged so that I don't see him on drop/collect then we need to sit down and work out the logistics of the business so I don't have to see him either, might take some trial & error but I'm hoping we can just keep communication to email. 

I'm going to find this VERY hard & I'm heartbroken but know I have to do it - I'm going to write him a "goodbye" letter then my life begins...


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm so sorry that you are heartbroken, but you sound so strong. You are clearly doing what you need to do for YOU and taking charge to move ahead. 

Good for you! I wish you strength and peace as you move through this!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Skip the letter or keep it to yourself after writing it


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I agree with lbh write the letter but don't send it. Do it just for you. Hugss!!!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I feel like I need to give him the letter as there's so much I haven't said, I think I'll be less tempted to contact him then if that makes sense?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

That does make sense, but don't rush it. Write it, then read it a few days later. Maybe do that one more time. And you said you are in IC, so be sure to talk to your therapist before you give it to him.

You just want to be sure, you know?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So you are gong to contact him, to help you stop contacting him. 
Think about that some more before you do it. Don't you think he will reply, and how that would hurt more. 
I know how painful this is. It hurts because you loved him. The longer you go without contact, the stronger you can become. It will get a bit easier. I still crash and burn sometimes, but the kids notice I'm doing better and I bet yours will, too.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I know what your saying, I'm going to keep hold of the letter for a few days and then decide.

I am going into work tomorrow to setup how that side of things will work with minimal contact (email only), I've also arranged with his mum to drop off the kids and he collects from school so I don't need to see him now at all for a few weeks. I've asked for no phone calls, email contact to sort anything to do with kids/finances/business and then text if emergency. 

The NC can't be permanent because of work but a few weeks without seeing him should help me to get myself into a stronger place & detach as much as possible, then when I do need to see him at work that should be much easier to not let it impact on me. 

I know this is what people have told me to do for weeks, I know that I haven't listened but I had to be ready and doing it for ME and not because it's what other people thought were best, this way I (hopefully) now have the strength to follow it through. It doesn't feel like I have but I know I have to.

Sad today, but also feel slightly relieved in a big way?! One chapter has ended & another is beginning...


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

So NC (except kids/work via email) is going ok, I've answered once but learnt my lesson as made me feel tonnes worse afterwards.

He's not quite got the idea that when I say NC I mean it, he's still ringing/texting but I'm ignoring. He's feeling the "loss" already from his emails & suspect this is a big wake up call for him, the reality of his choices & the pain of what he's caused.

I've written a plan of action for the week ahead today to get myself back on track, going to use this space to get myself into a better place & build a new life for me and the kids. I'm going to focus on getting the house finished so it can go into the property market.

Thank you for your support everyone, when I think back to how dark things felt a few weeks back I can see just how far I've come - I hope things continue to improve! I know I'll have bad days but even those aren't as bad as they were.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

**UPDATE**

I haven't posted now for well over 4mths & a lot has changed since then!! 

My D is final in around 8 weeks & I'm happier than I've been in a long long time  best decision I ever made & I've done a lot of healing, soul searching & work on myself in the past 6mths and I'm in a much better place now. 

Thank you to all those that supported me, replied to me, to those who tried to tell me what was best & I ignored (sorry, needed to do it in my own time!) and those who took the time to inbox me - thank you all SO much, you helped me through one of the hardest times in my life but I've come out the other side much stronger and happier. 

My life is good, I'm very lucky & I'm thankful for the positives every day  my kids are well adjusted and seem to have settled into the new routines which I'm relieved about, they're happier because mummy & daddy are happier.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Good for you kiddo!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thank you LHB  hope your doing ok too?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Smiling from ear to ear.

You are blossoming 84.

Stretch


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thank you stretch  I'm blossoming & loving every minute of it!


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Life always gets better when you cut the toxic people out of your life. 

I am glad you are doing better. I figured you needed to do things on your own. Most of us do. 

Great update 

Clay


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