# Who am I Kidding?



## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

For the past few weeks I have pretended I am this strong person...when I'm not. 

I am so mad at myself for letting this person be my everything. I dropped my life for this man who I really truly don't know. From day 1 he has been someone else apparantly to suit me as he said. I have pretended I am fine and am grieving but pulling thru when in reality I sit and stare at the phone 24/7 thinking I can telepathically get him to text me. I feed off of thinking in my mind he still wants me but is angry. When I should be taking it at face value....that he wants it over and doesn't love me as he has told me. 

H still lives at home, after begging him to move out. I sit here and think I am at rock bottom when really he hasn't even moved yet...so it will get worse....WHAT?! How can it get any worse? I go day in and out and think of nothing but him. I try to get by everyday but I feel like an empty shell moving day in and day out. I sit here in tears right now knowing he is going on with his life happy as can be. It fills my soul with hatred and resentment that he could do this to me and my daughter. He is a great dad but he honestly thinks none of this will effect her as long as we are nice to each other. He grew up in foster homes and was only adopted when he was 13. Our marriage counselor was so surprised that he really didn't seem affected by it at all. 

Anyway, I guess I was gathering my strength from making myself believe that his texts and phone calls were him really wanting to be with me. He told me that a part of the reason he hasn't moved is because he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but really it's because he doesn't have the money to move. He constantly brings up that since I came in the marriage with nothing, I will leave with nothing. 

He told me yesterday the reason he was calling me and texting was because he wants to stay friends....friends? WTF!!!! Great that he can go from my husband to a FRIEND! What a smack in the f*%&ing face! He says right now when he is around me he hates it. But, that he won't rule out working things out after he moves out. That he can't work on his issues and our issues with him living here. He has been married once before and pulled the same thing, except she cheated and got out of the marriage, then he wanted to stay "friends". I yelled and cussed him so bad because he acted like I was this desperate person and he was throwing me a bone by talking to him. I will not be that person! He text me last night letting me know where he was at(we both worked) and I never responded. He text me this morning wanting to know if I made it home ok...I didn't respond. 

My counselor suggested I try to do what I can to work things out. I guess because when she asked if I wanted to work things out with him I told her I didn't know. Heck, I don't even know who I am to be honest. I have always lived my life to please a man. Embarassing but heck might as well lay it all on the table right? The more he treats me like this and brushes me off the more anger fills my heart and resentment for the man who could walk away from a family. It really seems he could care less! It's like he is following this pattern of others wo have started seeing someone else, but I have checked his phone records and dug around but honestly can't find anything, so I don't know what else to do. 

I have done nothing but hang onto the tiniest sliver of him wanting to be with me it is really sad. When he texts or calls wanting to know where I am, I say, oh he must still want me and then pretend to brush him off and feel strength again. Really though, people can say do this or that but deep down...how do you accept it? How do you accept life is this way now? I feel like I can on the "surface" say I accept it but deep down I don't and feel like I never will. 

Sorry this is so jumbled and makes no sense really.......I just don't know how to really say what I am feeling because I have become a jumbled mess myself.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

You should not be expected to live in limbo.
If he says he cant work on it and live there, make him get out.
He's blocking. You have to get some control somehow.
If your H refuses to be part of the solution, hoping to save the marriage, you may have to decide for him, what the future will be.
Do you have family in the area?
Does he?
How long have you been married?


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Thanks for writing back! 

We have been married 3 years.....unfortunately I have to live within 20 miles of where I work since I stay on call and nobody in my family lives that close. He has his adoptive mom and well all his family really around where he works, which is the place he is looking to move(about 45 minutes away). 

What really made me some angry is that I got a job offer at a company that is about 2 hours away and would have been closer to my "dream job". Of course he threw a huge fit and told me...well if you take that job and move you can kiss not going to court goodbye....and made me feel guilty saying that it would keep him from seeing his daughter. So naturally I caved and declined the offer. Kicking myself in the ass all the while. 

That's what I don't get....he has people he could stay with...why not get out if he can't stand being around me? Everyday he does nothing but yell at me or smart off to me when we are around each other, and it's when I haven't done anything to him! 

I am at work now.....begging myself to even function at this point.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds like everything is really up in the air for you. My wife left me so I know how it feels but on the other side. The best advice I can give which was given to me is to not reach out to him and find something to keep you busy. Believe me it is very hard to do, but if you can do it, it will help and it will get easier each day..


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