# Have some decisions to make... could use input



## themightypenguin (Dec 5, 2011)

This will probably be long, and I apologize for that. 

Girlfriend and I have been together 8 years. Got together when we were 25 and partying on the weekends was our thing. Never any hard drugs, but she had been on pain meds for her back problems. Lots of ups and downs, but the partying became less frequent and the pain meds stayed. Finally she got off them about 3 years ago. Wasn't easy and we were both very happy to move on. She was exercising and managing her pain without the use of prescriptions (to the best of my knowledge). 

Then she got pregnant. She said she needed pain meds to continue working while pregnant because the pain was too much. I should have verified this, but she told me the doctor said no withdrawal for the baby. I reluctantly agreed. Baby was born into a 2 week withdrawal. She promised she was getting off them and would never use them again. Months went by and she stayed on them. Then finally about 6 months later she decides to get off them. Great! Was a tough first week, but her mother helped with the baby so I could still work.

Things really seemed to improve. We were getting closer and this family thing was awesome. Then her sister got in trouble for what I was told was possession without a prescription (her and her sister both used). I looked it up online and found that her sister had been arrested in January for a felony insurance fraud and deception to obtain a dangerous drug (oxy). Low and behold my girlfriend is listed as co-defendant. 

I confront her and she admits they got arrested scamming doctors for prescriptions. One condition of her probation is drug tests for oxy. So, I find out her getting off the pills was court ordered. I'm very angry at the deception. I had been watching the baby at work while she went to "dentist appointments" that were actually court appearances. Multiple lies over several months. 

Again we work through things. Promises to never again use and she's in court ordered drug counseling, etc. Things get better between us. Everything was water under the bridge. I go on a motorcycle trip. Talking to her on the phone a couple nights she sounds slurry. Promised she was just tired from taking care of the baby. The day after I get back I find a pill bottle in her purse (I was getting her keys to move her car). Prescription for xanax. Apparently she's allowed to take that with a prescription because it wasn't the drug they obtained illegally.

Big problems again. Trust issues. We work on it. Promises are made again. 

A couple months later she brings home pills she got from her sister for me! I have taken one or two occasionally when we used to party. Not since my daughter had to go through withdrawal. I will never take them again unless I'm on my death bed - and we had discussed this already. I threw the pills away and she freaked. Her sister could have sold them was her reasoning. I don't care. Any pills I find it throw out. 

This past Christmas. I think things are going well. We had again worked on things and this time was going to be different. At my mom's Christmas Eve she gets drunk. Fall down the stairs drunk. Tells my sister she's looking to get xanax and even asked for one of my nephews ADHD pills. This time I'm done. I've stuck by her because she was the mother of my children and I thought eventually she'd get things figured out. 

I tell her it's over and she freaks. Tells me she'd never leave me and we promised to stay together forever, etc. Then a couple days later I find out she's 5 months pregnant. Yes, five months pregnant! She claims she didn't know. I noticed she was gaining weight, asked if she could be pregnant and the answer was definitely no. She knows what it feels like from before and was absolutely sure she wasn't pregnant. I find out her sister even asked her if she was pregnant a few weeks earlier. 

So again, I say we stick together till the baby is born. Let's work on things. She's been in counseling and taking drug tests so I believe her that she was just drunk and talking about pills. My sisters never lied to me in the past that I'm aware of so I'm skeptical but this is the mother of my children so I feel I have to give her another chance. 

Things were going well. Trust was coming back. No issues for a couple months except her sister constantly being an emotional drain on her and our family. My gf can't seem to let her sister deal with things on her own. She says she needs to help her and support her. I keep my mouth shut and and try to be supportive to my gf through everything because it appears to be very hard on her. 

This week. Her sister went to rehab Thursday. She was at the house on Wednesday. I see a gold buying website up on the computer so check my gold. It's gone. I'm upset and pretty sure it was her sister. GF doesn't seem to think so. There have been several people over since the last time I know it was there. 

After we put the baby to bed Wednesday I decided to go down and grab a beer from the gas station. I start to leave and realize I've left my wallet in the house. I stop at the end of the drive and walk back in. There she is holding a pill bottle and handful of pills. I grab all I could and put them down the garbage disposal. 

EDIT: Forgot to mention she claims she was looking for her prescription of phenergan. Bottles look completely different and one has a prescriptions sticker while the other has none.

I find out later that night that her mother gave her and her sister money to buy pills because the sister has to be actively using to get insurance to pay for rehab. My GF took a drug test yesterday and passed. I called her obgyn and told them the story and they spoke to her at her appointment yesterday. I considered talking to her PO, but don't want my baby (she's pregnant remember) in jail if that is what comes of it. 

And here I sit today. Baby is due May 11. My daughter is 20 months. 

I gave her the option that she and I go to counseling and she not have any contact with her sister until her sister has 6 months sobriety. Her sister has major drug problems. And this is her first time at inpatient rehab. She said she wasn't sure she could stay away from her sister and was mainly angry that I contacted her doctor because she was embarrassed and they could call child services. My response was that if she doesn't bring illegal drugs in the house she wouldn't have to worry about it. 

Is it going to be worse for my kids if I leave or stay? I can stay and may be she changes. More likely this type of behavior continues. I don't know if she's taken pills here and there or how hard it is to fool a urine screen (I know her sister has done it in the past). I feel like I'm condoning the behavior if I don't leave. 

The only thing that is keeping me with her is the kids. I want my kids to grow up in a real family - something I didn't get to do. I wonder if I move on and set a good example maybe they will still be OK. But what kind of life will she live? Do I have what it takes to keep her away from the kids if necessary? 

If you read all that I thank you. Opinions are welcome, but either way it feels good just getting it out.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

In addition to the drug problems, make sure the kid is yours. Get a DNA test because she may be doing stuff to get the pills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

themightypenguin said:


> The only thing that is keeping me with her is the kids. I want my kids to grow up in a real family - something I didn't get to do. I wonder if I move on and set a good example maybe they will still be OK. But what kind of life will she live? Do I have what it takes to keep her away from the kids if necessary?
> 
> If you read all that I thank you. Opinions are welcome, but either way it feels good just getting it out.


What kind of life will she live? A drug life, which she has been doing for 8 years and during two pregnancies. She will get supervised visits with your children. But more often than not, a drug user has to experience consequences and from the sounds of it... She hasn't experienced enough extreme consequences to want to remain sober. 

Will your children be OK if you leave her? They'll be better off if you leave her. 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you have given this woman more chances than she or your children deserve. She gave birth to a drug addicted child and she's still using drugs. I don't get that personally, but I know it happens. 

I hope you will do some soul searching. You have every opportunity to make a decent life for your children without all this drama. Your children need you more than your g/f does, your g/f is a grown woman who can make choices for herself... She hasn't chosen to get sober yet.

If this child is born addicted to drugs and they are drugs she does not have a script for, I would press charges for child abuse --- maybe that'll sober her up for a minute? I'm surprised the doctor of the first child didn't do that.


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## themightypenguin (Dec 5, 2011)

Well, I don't have any current proof that she is using. I have hear say and circumstantial. 

If my baby is born addiction I will do everything I can to keep her from my kids and if child abuse is on the table I would absolutely do that. 

Other advise I'm getting is to ride it out until the child is born (due May 11) and then split up call the PO etc. 

Thanks for you responses. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that staying together may actually be worse than splitting up.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Shaggy said:


> In addition to the drug problems, make sure the kid is yours. Get a DNA test because she may be doing stuff to get the pills.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

themightypenguin said:


> Well, I don't have any current proof that she is using. I have hear say and circumstantial.
> 
> If my baby is born addiction I will do everything I can to keep her from my kids and if child abuse is on the table I would absolutely do that.
> 
> ...


Let me back up, now that I think about it, she is *just *your g/f... That said, here in the US and on a state by state basis anyway, unwed parents of children have a different set of laws related to custody. You will need to research the laws of your state or find out from a lawyer what your options are related to the children and you getting them away from that environment. 

I do think you ought to do that prior to this child being born. 

Good luck to you and your babies!


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## IvanDrago (Jul 9, 2011)

1) DNA tests to make sure the kids are yours. She has a record of lying and addiction makes you do crazy things. I know more than one guy who has fallen to the "I trust my girl" bull**** because they didn't want to admit they were being duped by a cheater. It's a blow to the ego but better than paying for some other dude's progeny. 

2) If the kids are yours get custody and move on. Move far away +200 miles and start again. Get a pit bull of an attorney and think of it like buying your kids future or like every dollar is one less addict that will have the opportunity to molest your kids. One attorney and a moving truck now are cheaper than attorneys, rehabs, and therapists for both the kids 10-15 years from now.
She will either: 
a) come to her senses, get help, and see it as a father taking care of his kids (not likely). 
b) be too concerned with losing the money to feed her addiction to put up a fight. When in the grip of addiction the addict will thinks of money in terms of how many fixes, hits, etc. that money will provide, trust me I know (clean 4 years). She's got a hard road and the success rate is dismal for people with that many challenges. Get off the roller coaster now.

The most important thing you can do is extract yourself and your kids (if they are yours!) from the situation. She is surrounded by addicts and enablers including you. By staying with her you are exposing your kids to a dangerous environment with a high probably of sexual abuse, violence, and likely addiction themselves. 

If she wants to change she will have to go through a whole host of her own s**t before she'll be able to take care of the kids, let alone be a good partner for you. Her life is her business and she'll either F it away and end up dead or she'll get it together. YOU CAN"T SAVE HER FROM A LIFE OF ADDICTION!!!!! The kids are your responsibility not her.

It's not easy but anything you can do for those kids (if they're yours!!!) is better than they're getting now. Her mother will try to keep you close offering support and what not, but remember her mother is a key enabler for her addiction.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Ivan hit the nail right on the head. 

Those kids deserve a real family, and a real family setting does not include drug addiction or drug usage. The idea of the mother father family unit is cute and all, but sometimes the reality is, kids need at least ONE real PARENT. You can't be a full time parent for two infants and a drug addict, she's an adult, they are at your mercy, Worry about them and let her handle her demons, no one else can do it for her.


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## themightypenguin (Dec 5, 2011)

Thanks guys. Deep down I pretty much knew but wanted some other perspectives.

All good info and a few things I hadn't thought about.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Not to sound harsh, but if you want your kids to learn that their mother and aunt were (a) in prison for drug violations or (b) died together from overdoses, stay with her. Otherwise, get the hell out of there with the kids in tow.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Please get some help. Fast. Rehab. My good friend just died from Oxy OD. Not to mention they destroy your heart and liver. Please get help for this woman. By whatever means necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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