# Husband Cheated...Not Woman Wants Child Support



## WTS1122 (Dec 15, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We have 3 children (6 years, 3 years, and 10 months) with our 4th child just barely on the way. A few months ago, I found out that he had a one-night stand with a woman in September of last year. After a week or so, I decided I wanted to work things out and keep our family together. Now, this woman has brought a paternity suit against my husband, claiming that he is the father of her 6-month old child. We did not know that child even existed until he got the papers in the mail, ordering him to court. He has taken the DNA test, but we do not yet know the results. The timing works, and she is very certain that this child is the result of their night together. I was willing to work things out when I thought it was just a one-night affair. BUT if there's a child involved, I don't think I can handle it. I don't want to have to support a child that is not mine, and I don't want to be connected to this girl for the rest of my life.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

Yours is a very fair and understandable response.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I wish you the best of luck!

I personally would not stay with my husband if he cheated on me, extra martial affair child or not. My first husband is a serial cheater. He has cheated on his current wife and boasted about it to our daughter when she was 15/16. I did leave, but I only had one child. If it were to happen now, I'd leave again. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WTS1122 (Dec 15, 2011)

I guess the tough thing for me is that I never really considered being married and having a family when I was younger...it wasn't that important to me. Our son changed all that. He was very much a surprise for us when we were still dating. He changed my whole life, and I have been deeply committed to our family from the beginning. It just really sucks to put yourself out there for somebody and get blindsided by something like this. I never even suspected that anything had happened...I never even had trust issues with him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Unfortunately you are now connected to her no matter what since you have kids with him, and this kid is a half sibling with yours.

Do the DNA test yourself, do not just accept their finding. Mistakes do happen in testing, and there can be fraud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did he come clean to you about the ONS? Or did you find out about it only when the OW slapped him with a paternity suit?

When do you get the results back?

I am all for reconciliation (in most cases) but...when a child is born of infidelity, my answer is always: divorce.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Either way, you'll be supporting the kid.
If you stay with him, maybe the mom would be the one paying support, but in that case the kid will be in your home, instead of money leaving your joint accounts...which means you will be providing care, upkeep, etc. Maybe personally.
If you don't stay with him, your joint kids will be visiting him, probably at the same time the other kid is there...and maybe the mom too if she isn't living there.
Either way you will be tied in some way to him and to her and to the child. There is no way to avoid it. That is how marriage works. Even if not married, when you have a kid with someone you are linked to them for quite a while if not forever. And your children's half-siblings, as well. 

Decide what to do based on your relationship with your H.
Not on who else is involved, because they are going to be involved anyway.

IF it is his child, this is not a great situation.
The mom has withheld info, MAYBE. You don't know.
It could be a story about the ONS and his lack of knowledge of the pregnancy. Meaning he is in on it. It could also be a story about the pregnancy, designed by some crazy woman, or the both of them, to make you nuts so you'll dump him because they are having an affair or whatever. You never know. So keep your head screwed on straight and look at the best outcome for you long-term. Don't make any decisions in the short run, play it cool. Maybe even consult with an attorney about your options in the event of divorce. Don't make decisions out of knee-jerk emotional response, because that may be what you are being set up to do. 

Call me a cynic, but I've seen people do some pretty weird stuff.
You might not be dealing with people who are playing with a full deck.

You seem like a caring person, who like me could also tend to be a bit naive because of wanting to be caring and forgiving. So just be careful. Only trust what you can absolutely know for now. 

I would not leave or get divorce or ask for separation until baby is born (yours!), but I would definitely seek legal counsel and make some solid plans so you have some stability of your own that doesn't involve him, to fall back on.


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## WTS1122 (Dec 15, 2011)

I didn't know about the ONS until he got a letter in the mail from DHR Child Support Services...that's when he told me about it. He was never going to tell me, but he had to after that letter came. He says he doesn't want anything to do with her or the child, which I do believe. We are supposed to find out the results in 2 weeks.
I appreciate all the feedback. Unbiased opinions are hard to come by in a small town.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

WTS1122 said:


> I didn't know about the ONS until he got a letter in the mail from DHR Child Support Services...that's when he told me about it. He was never going to tell me, but he had to after that letter came. He says he doesn't want anything to do with her or the child, which I do believe. We are supposed to find out the results in 2 weeks.
> I appreciate all the feedback. Unbiased opinions are hard to come by in a small town.


I really hope its not his!! Thats a nightmare that I'm hoping not to go through!!

My husband just admitted his affiar and he said they only had sex once and he used a condom. Hes telling me its over with her and wants to reconsile.

My fear is that it was not just once and he lied and didn't use protection!!

I really hope the results work out for you especially since you have your 4th baby on the way!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

WTS1122 said:


> I didn't know about the ONS until he got a letter in the mail from DHR Child Support Services...that's when he told me about it. He was never going to tell me, but he had to after that letter came. He says he doesn't want anything to do with her or the child, which I do believe. We are supposed to find out the results in 2 weeks.
> I appreciate all the feedback. Unbiased opinions are hard to come by in a small town.


If it is his child, he should not turn his back on it. Cheating has consequences, in his case if it is his kid, he has a lifetime consequence of responsibility to the child. This child is innocent, but it dies have a father and should have access to a man to call dad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

WTS1122 said:


> I don't want to have to support a child that is not mine, and I don't want to be connected to this girl for the rest of my life.


If you divorce him you will get a percentage of support from his net, usually fixed by the states, and then she will only get a percentage on what is left over.

Just a thought.

I understand about not wanting to support another woman's child(and yes, your H's too). So what are you thinking about doing?

If you stay married, she'll get a percentage of his net, regardless of how many kids you have. And you won't have a choice if she takes him to court.

The only true way to not be financially liable for her child is to divorce him, get support for your kids off the top, and then it doesn't matter what he has to pay the interloper.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

***If you stay married, she'll get a percentage of his net, regardless of how many kids you have. And you won't have a choice if she takes him to court.****

And what if it's a two earner household? Would more go to the love child as are result of that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> ***If you stay married, she'll get a percentage of his net, regardless of how many kids you have. And you won't have a choice if she takes him to court.****
> 
> And what if it's a two earner household? Would more go to the love child as are result of that?


The wife's income would not be considered in determining child support to the love child. Only the man's.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If the child is his, he WILL be held responsible, it is his responsibility as a parent.

I hope for your sake it isn't his. 

Do you know what you'll do if it is his? Start planning, plan for the worst, expect the best.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Did he come clean to you about the ONS? Or did you find out about it only when the OW slapped him with a paternity suit?
> 
> When do you get the results back?
> 
> I am all for reconciliation (in most cases) but...when a child is born of infidelity, my answer is always: divorce.


:iagree:
I would feel the same as you. However, he does need to pay child support if it's his child. Sucky situation, but it's not the child's fault.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The wife's income would not be considered in determining child support to the love child. Only the man's.


Exactly right. But if she stays married to him, the OW, will get a percentage of his net.

Whereas if she divorces her H, the OW will get a percentage of what is LEFT of his net after OP gets hers first.

So if she doesn't divorce before the OW gets her child support, then lets say OP decides to divorce later, then it will be the stbXW that will get what is *left,* not the other way around.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Exactly right. But if she stays married to him, the OW(and no the W doesn't stand for woman), will get a percentage of his net.
> 
> Whereas if she divorces her H, the OW will get a percentage of what is LEFT of his net after OP gets hers first.


Exactly...

And if she stays married. OW is get percentage of his net, to the wife will have to contribute more to the household support since husband's money goes else where. So while her income is not considered in the CS total, the wife and her children will have to live with less.

It's a mess all the way around.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Hum lets see. Your husband had unprotected sex with some stranger. He exposed you to STD's and now he will have to pay child support which will directly impact your lifestyle whether your divorced or not. Now that is what I would call some seriously bad judgement. Careless infact. Would he stay with you if you were carrying someone guys kid?


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

You are getting some very bad info........

1. DNA testing fraud - your state child support services and the courts are involved - the testing lab must be able to testify to the courts the chain of custody of the DNA material and the testing process: The draw of DNA material is done so by 2 staff members and photos are taken and two the take enough DNA material to run 3 tests, all have to come out the sane - and the test used is not the same as you find in your drug store.

2. Child Support - un the event your husband is the father:

A) If you stay married only your husband's income will be used to calculate child support, the number if children in your home and other factors are considered in calculating child support.

B) If you divorce - the courts treat all children the same (exception those with medical / developmental issues) the courts will determine child support for your children based in his and your incomes, and actual visitation schedule, they will factor in spousal support (if allowed) and other credits. 

Child support is not based in percentages and children are not prioritized. Child support is based on circumstances of the parties involved. It is possible if the OW is not working and on public assistance and has no visitation with that child and you are a working woman and your husband has partial custody/visitation with your children that the OW child support order may be a bit higher than yours. Now here is the thing - child support orders obtained via the child support agency have to use a state adopted calculation, in private divorces you can of course, and should because the state calculations are highly critizised for being too low - negotiate your own amount that you and husband agree to.

Since the OW c/s order will predate you the state would have credit him with the children in the home un it's calculation.....if/when you obtain your private support order your ex-husband can ask for a modification of the OW c/s order with your children's support order which will certainly reduce the support Oder for the OW child.

Sorry your husband did this to you and your children and to that innocent child.........I hope that child was fathered by some other idiot!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WTS1122 (Dec 15, 2011)

Well...here we are almost a year later. The child is my husband's, but we still have no resolution on the child support issue. He has been back and forth to court and still no agreement. 

I decided that I made a commitment to stay and work through this. It has definitely been tough, and we have ups and downs. My husband decided that he did not want to seek any type of custody, and while I do not necessarily agree with that decision, it is his decision. I worry the most about how our children will react when the day comes that this little girl decides she wants to know the other half of her family. 

One of the hardest things is that it has been dragging on for so long. Just when we get to a good place and try to move on, he gets a letter in the mail or something that just opens it up all over again...like the court date coming up on 10/10.

At first, the court wasn't even considering the children that we have in the calculation. Now, they are...and the OW's attorney is not happy. I guess this is why it is taking so long to get everything worked out. Even my husband's attorney said it would be a lot easier if we were divorced. I absolutely think he should pay child support and be responsible for this child, but I also do not want our own children to get the raw end of the deal (if they aren't already). 

Anyway, thanks for all your advice/opinions. Just wanted to update...


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I understand, but I personally think its a sh!tty thing to do. 

He should be a father to that child. Its very cruel and sad that that child is gonna have a rectangular check as a substitute for a father and 4 half siblings he won't be allowed to bond with. 

You obviously don't think so with how accepting of the situation you are, but I think your husband is a lying piece of Sh!t who cant even own up to his decisions on both the actions of not telling you about his affair and leaving his child fatherless. 

Thats the man you want to "work it out with?" :scratchhead:

Go to it, but remember that you had to find out courtesy of U.S mail than from the man whose supposed to be sworn to you and only you, well when hes not having one night stands anyways.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Wow, what a story!! I am so sorry for what you have been through... 

You are brave to have stuck it out this long... I don't know that I could have... I think your determination to stay says a lot about you. 

I hope all works out for you guys and all the kiddos. I think that the kids should know and have time with their half-sis, but what an awkward situation!!

Sending you and the children love and positive vibes!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

The awful part about this is that someday that child is going to know about this situation. Then this child will probably end up carrying a lot of emotional baggage about why his/her father wanted nothing to do with him/her. Assuming you will have to pay child support, I'd have a presence in this child's life if I was your husband. I think the blowback from cutting this child out of his life will be very painful down the road for everyone. I have no experience in anything like this but that's my opinion.

IMO, this child will someday seek out his/her father. I'd bank on it.


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## WTS1122 (Dec 15, 2011)

Kasler said:


> I understand, but I personally think its a sh!tty thing to do.
> 
> He should be a father to that child. Its very cruel and sad that that child is gonna have a rectangular check as a substitute for a father and 4 half siblings he won't be allowed to bond with.
> 
> ...


You're right...it is an awful thing and an awful situation, especially for the children. I'm not denying any of that. But the easy thing to do would have been to walk away and wash my hands of it. But I decided that I made a commitment, and even though he didn't keep his end of it for one night, I'm not willing to give up until we have used up every resource available to us. Will we make it?...I don't know. Will I continue to let him know that I will support a decision to be in this child's life if he decides?...yes, I will...because our children and families are connected (though it isn't ideally).


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

WTS1122 said:


> Well...here we are almost a year later. The child is my husband's, but we still have no resolution on the child support issue. He has been back and forth to court and still no agreement.
> 
> I decided that I made a commitment to stay and work through this. It has definitely been tough, and we have ups and downs. My husband decided that he did not want to seek any type of custody, and while I do not necessarily agree with that decision, it is his decision. I worry the most about how our children will react when the day comes that this little girl decides she wants to know the other half of her family.
> 
> ...


Do you really love your husband? Then make him do the right thing.

Do you love your kids? Have you thought about how you are going to explain to them that Daddy only cares about some of his kids, not all of them?

You decided to stay. You have a connection and responsibility in this situation. That little girl is your beloved children's half sister. They are never ever going to get why you disassociated yourself. They are going to love her and the worst thing that could happen is if they all connected up via FB during their teenage years. Won't you have a hell on wheels then. Get it done now when you have control.

Your husband is probably so thankful you didn't dump him and take his kids away that he is worried showing any interest in the child will push you away.

Your husband had a moral test and we both know he failed. Yours is in progress now, I hope you do better than he did.


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