# What to do?



## DandZ (Jun 10, 2016)

Hi, hope this is the right place to ask. I looked at the other forums and my problem doesn't seem to fit anywhere else very well.

Some background: I am in my late-30s, my wife early 30s. Dated for 5 years, married now for 2 (7 total). No kids. We did not live together until we were married.

So everything has been going peachy (good communication, good sex, etc) then she starts being distant in the last month. Shortly after we decided to try for a kid. Last week she confided that she was hugely relieved she did not get pregnant and doesn't feel ready for a kid. She "feels like we are just roommates," and that having a kid would just trap her. I thought it would blow over and then last night she said she wanted to move out and that she doesn't see a life with me.

So, leading up to this, and trying not to be biased - I think I have done a pretty good job. I tell her I love her everyday (and I do), we kiss, we sleep on the same bed, we usually talk 30+ minutes daily, I contribute in chores. No affairs, no financial problems. Inherently I am in introvert and she is an extrovert, and we have sort of met in the middle for activities, but I guess we do not share a passion together. She seems like she wants the spark from when we were initially dating and I don't know how to give that to her. I tell her that she has unrealistic expectations but she refuses to talk to anyone about it (family, friends, on the web, etc). I am convinced it is all in her head but maybe I am missing something.

So yeah.. any thoughts? Any books I can read? Is someone like this worth getting back? If we are only 2 years in and she is unwilling to fight for this, am I just setting myself up for long term pain? 

Just looking for a sounding board to make sure I'm totally not off the mark here. Thank you.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Dan, forget about books..find a therapist.

You and she need to re evaluate your relationship, and she needs to clarify what she means when she says "Room mate"...as well as what's missing, what she needs.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

DandZ said:


> So everything has been going peachy (good communication, good sex, etc) then she starts being distant in the last month.


Look for another fella, when this happens like this there's typically another party involved. Start some snooping and you'll likely gather evidence.

As for what you can do? At this point nothing really, I would give her space and go on with my life as if she weren't there, you're not going to nice her back into loving you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A marriage counselor can help if you find the right therapist. But there are a lot of bad ones out there.

There are 3 books that I think would help you fix this. Read them in the order listed below. After you read the first two, ask her to read them with you and do the work they suggest. The third would be good for both of you to read, but even if only you read it, it can help.

"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs"

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, Esther Perel

A lot of people will tell you that there is nothing that can be done. That's not true. The passion/love can be rebuilt in a marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your situation sounds pretty typical of failed marriages.

You say that you spend 30 minutes a day talking. But it sounds like the two of you do nothing else together. Co you two really only spend 30 minutes a day together?

Do you date? What sorts of things do the two of you do on a weekly basis together, just the two of you?


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

When I say "nothing he can do" it's because his wife appears completely done with it and doesn't want to work on it, and I'm guessing she's smack dab in the middle of an affair. If that is the case for both, there is nothing he can do but a 180 and see what happens.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Seems like the prospect of a child (and the commitment, responsibility, etc that go along with that) got her thinking about what she really wants.

And I hate to be blunt, but I say this because it's what happened to me: if she has to stop and think about whether she wants a life with you, she doesn't want a life with you. She's likely been thinking about this for quite a while and now that babymaking is in the air, her hand has been forced.

I tried to fool myself and succeeded in postponing the inevitable for about two years. In the end, I had to face the truth that she didn't want a life with me. She left, switched her sexual orientation and is now remarried, as am I.

You will find somebody else in time, but I urge you to look realistically at this situation. She wants something different. This to me, is not a situation that can be repaired. If she wants a Camaro and you're a pickup truck, it's not going to work.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Who's the new guy?

She seems like she wants the spark from when we were initially dating

And who changed? Were you more outgoing in the beginning and willing to try new things? Have you gone back to your introvert ways because now you're married and it's supposed to be forever after till death to us part?

We don't know you or your wife so it's hard to ask random people who to put the spark back in your relationship. Every person is different on what makes their eyes light up.

10 point buck peaking through the bushes, my heart would race like a million miles a minute, tears streaming down my cheeks, thanking every deity on this world for this chance, while my wife wouldn't even give it a 2nd glance. 

My wife is spending time with the family, that makes her happy and the same goes for me. But a 10 point buck, I just might have to look at which kid or wife I'm willing to give up :grin2:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

knobcreek said:


> When I say "nothing he can do" it's because his wife appears completely done with it and doesn't want to work on it, and I'm guessing she's smack dab in the middle of an affair. If that is the case for both, there is nothing he can do but a 180 and see what happens.


Not all women who feel like they are not getting what they need from their marriage are having affairs. I know that on TAM, it's the only assumption most people make.

There are couples who turn their marriages around. Sometimes it has to hit rock bottom before both parties realize that there is a huge problem that needs to be worked on.


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