# MIA



## ghost (Sep 30, 2010)

i have been together with my wife for 33 year since high school, married for the past 21. we have an 2 kids in their early teens, nice home, cars, demanding high paying careers,..the whole 9 yards. here is the thing...since parenthood, there has been a steady slide to super mom (she is a wonderful mom), very active in both schools, high performer at work, heavy involvement in our community,...you get the picture...110% dynamo out side of the house...then there is the day to day routine after work with homework, housestuff....both of us have busy,full schedules between our kids, community, family, and work.

wife is 110% there for kids, family, work, and community. life of the party and who everyone wants to be around. after all her focus everywhere else, she is exhausted. sex...once every 1.5 months, maybe. holding hands or just a kiss now and then...can't remember the last time. basically no focus or time let alone discussion about us.

does she love me? yes. is she cheating? no. my sense is that her balance of what's most important has balanced me out of her life almost completely. this has now been a shell of a relationship focused solely on only our kids.

a few years ago, i arranged for grandmom to care for our kids for a week...surprised my wife with a week in hawaii and a ring...god, take her away from all the stress and obligations to hopefully re-start our relationship. nope. stressed being away for the kids. no flame. no sex. just a **** ton of shopping and stressing being away from the kids.

tried talking through this many times...calling out that we have been essentially roommates for the past 14 years. ends with her getting pissed off. the topper...she has gotten to a point where she goes off on stupid stuff that's really not important, bordering on talking to me like i'm a dog...even her friends have called out to her live in front of me...shocked at her tone and attitude. 

i love her. that said...life is too short to live like this, in a relationship where i'm dead last and talked down to like a dog at times. i miss the woman i knew and loved now decades ago...she has been missing for over a decade now.

do i remain in a empty shell of marriage for our kids sake or move on with divorce, working through being best parents even through divorce?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I will always advice for a good man to pursue his own happiness.

Also, in your post I would hope there is the shades of grey between the trip to hawaii and divorce.

The first is to do what it takes to win the respect of your woman, to which she has none for you at all.

This means to stand up for yourself, whether to not back down during confrontation all the way to contacting a lawyer and having papers drawn up. 

Regardless, you must take a stand for yourself, for until you have earned respect, there will be no sexual attractoin or emotoinal connection which you are missing, and instead are merely roomates or worse actually.

A woman who does not respect her man is not feeling sexual attractoin for him.

A woman who does not respect her man is not emotionally connected to him.

A woman who is not sexually attracted or emotionally connected to her man is battling insecurity, and this is manifesting itself usually by these two things, nagging and perfectionism, which are often two sides of the same coin.

The route to fixing this for the good man in marriage, and avoiding either divorce or wishing for a quick death, is just this:

Stand up for yourself. Get good at conflict, even to the point of ENJOYING the opportunity of standing up for yourself. Be calm, confident, prepared, but stand up for yourself and even look for opportunities to do so. As they say, the best defensive is the good offensive, so do not even hesitate to be the one who says "we need to talk" or call your woman at the drop of the hat if she is speaking to you disrespectfully or neglecting you or other such things. Become a master of the art of conflict!

Increase sexual attraction! Marriage vows are not the end of courtship, but merely the beginning of the lifetime of attractoin. Continue to do the things to make your woman FEEL she is desirable and PURSUED by a man that is himself desirable and attractive. This is the key to making marriage sexually exciting and avoiding anything else to take priority from the good man and woman together. And the woman who feels sexually attractive herself is not feeling insecure, so there is not the nagging or perfetionism and most importantly there is not the threat from the affair man around the corner waiting to swoop in by making the neglected woman feel sexual by his attention.

In all these things, be creative, avoid repetition, enjoy conflict, never treat your woman like she is a man, always have a plan, be confident and calm and never hesitate to share with your woman your deepest and darkest desires. 

A woman will be irrestibly attracted to such a good man, sexual attractoin and emotoinal connection will be in overdrive, and the affair man will be kept far away.

I am hoping some of this is beneficial to you.

I wish you well.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I read something today. In one's life, there are two things can be more damaging to a person than a killing knife. One is HESITATION, the other one is REGRET. If you feel miserable in your marriage, please make your decision quickly and don't regret later. If you are not important in her life anymore, if you are still yearning for romance and companionship, why do you still stick around? I think if you don't let her see the deep pain you have, she will never notice what she is not doing for you, she just takes you for granted. 

Sigh, women........................men...........................


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

BBW is right.

this doesn't mean trying to bluff your way into intimacy. With my wife and me, I couldn't get her to address the issues we had in our marriage until she realized I was looking at apartments and had worked out a two-household budget. Had she not, the marriage would have been over.

Your wife needs to understand you are at the end of the line and it is up to her which direction you go.

But let me add one thing... is she filling her life with other things because you haven't been there? Did you set the scene a long time ago and now it's just playing out? Marriage issues are rarely one-sided.


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## ghost (Sep 30, 2010)

appreciate the perspectives. had a direct and frank discussion early in the day. she acknowledged time not spent with me as her husband. it's a start.


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## Knightdriver (Oct 1, 2010)

Hi Ghost, 

My marriage is not like yours, so I'm not sure if my perspective is helpful. But hang in there. It sounds like you've only got a few years until all the kids are out of the house, or at least are of adult age. You should spend some time figuring out what you and your wife will do when that day comes. 

If it's obvious that your wife will just fill the current "kid time" with other things, leaving no time for you, then you can split once all the kids are out of high school. The kids may get upset, but it will be easier to still be their dad, if you divorce after they are supposed to be leaving the nest anyway. 

Doing it before then could leave your kids vulnerable because a divorce will split both you and your wife's attentions. The teenage years are a time when kids need their parents the most. Remember this is not just about you and your wife anymore. 

Also remember, kids remember what they experience, not what you tell them. I advise behaving the way you hope they would act if they were in the same situation as you. I would hope that you would want them to be responsible and think of their kids first. Get them through high school and set up in college (if they choose to go).

After that, you can consider divorce knowing that you are still the father of your children and that you did right by them. You can then do right by yourself with a clear conscience and show your kids a way to take care of others while still doing what's right for yourself in the end. Or the wife might come around, making your patience worth it.


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