# Separated and Husband started dating an old friend.



## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

Hi everyone!

I just join TAM today to get your help. I am married for 4 years and we've been together for 6 years (total). During those times I was taking care of my husband, his pets, the messy household. when we first met, we were just phone pals for 6 months before we decided to meet in person. A month after we met he had surgery on the neck because of work related injury and since nobody was there for him at the hospital, I drove for 2 hours to see him and stayed with. After the hospitalization he stayed in my house. That's when I felt like it's a whirlwind romance. He moved in with me at my house and left his house and dogs. I wasn't ready to have alive-in partner then but after a year of he proposed and just still couldn't bring myself to say no because he was loving, thoughtful, very good looking and charming. But there was a catch, although you could say he has his own house almost fully paid. He was unemployed and on a disability. So we got married in 2009. But because he can't work, I had to pay for most of our dinner dates. the first 9 months of living together, he helped pay half of the rent but the rest of the 3 year lease I was paying the whole $1600/monthly rent by myself. I paid most of the household bills and he paid his multiple auto insurance. I paid for groceries and he doesn't. And when his father passed away in March 2011 he inherited almost $500,000. Majority of the inheritance was used to buy us a house and improve it then pay off his credit cards. The money is gone now. But at least the house is fully paid along with the new furniture and appliances. We always fight about almost anything. I am sensitive and I feel that I don't get enough respect from him. The resentment came from being a wife turned into a muscled tough wife to helped him lift his collections of pinball machine and other heavy stuff. He is a hoarder and likes to collect while I'm minimalist and I hated all of it. My minor daughter lives with us and they don't get along well. So that's one of the issues, being blended family. He wants me to follow through with my discipline method and it always causes problems between us. My daughter turned into reclusive, depressed teenager who developed eating disorder and started cutting herself. I never knew until last May 2013 that she is hurting herself. The fact that my husband will have fourth back surgery added to my anxiety. He had 4 total surgeries by the time we separated. and every time I get exhausted and emotional because of fights, I always say I want out of this marriage but I never left since my love for him is stronger. Then June 19 he was frustrated with a couple of people and he all of a sudden yelled at me screaming at the top of his lungs telling me that I can leave him now since it what I have been saying since day one. I never meant to end my marriage, most of my outbursts was due to emotional exhaustion. He was scary that day, picking a fight with the auto mechanic and the people there knew us for a long time that they just let him vent out and screamed. I never came back home that night fearing that we could get physical to one another. Then the next day he brought all my personal belongings to my temporary home and it's been almost 3 months now that we are separated. I tried to make amends, begged, grovel and all that etc to no avail. He told me to move on. Then I pressed him hard why so quick to give up ? is there another woman,. Husband said he already started dating. Yesterday I begged again but no luck and I asked if he started seeing this girl before we separated? he said after the fact. I have been driving around his block to see if he is home but 5 days to a week he's not home so I assumed he is staying with his girl therefore, I think that he knew this woman from before and not just recently. I emailed him today told him that nothing is left for us to do but to start the proceeding . He said he will work on it very soon. I am very hurt by this. What is my chance? He told our friends that I left him at the time when he needed me most, but it wasn't true. I was scared, confused and afraid. He trade in my cars for Mercedes Benz paid the balance in full and gave it to me as a gift but when he kicked me out he took it back and I was left renting a car for awhile before I was able to buy another car for myself. Now he is going to file for divorce. How messy it's going to be? I don't want any of his properties, I have a business and property on my name. so what's gonna happen?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop stalking him.

Sit and breathe and get your situation in order.

This sucks, yes...but it doesn't have to drive you crazy.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

Yeah! I know and I felt stupid doing that. He just had back surgery on June 14 and had knee surgery 2 weeks ago. So I worry a lot about him. He told me too that he stayed with his new girl after the knee surgery to recuperate. That's what made think that he knew her a long time ago. He admitted it earlier today that yes she was someone he knew from the past.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He was using you. Now he's using her. She did you a favor. Now all his medical bs is her problem.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to detach. None of us who have had to do it have found it all that easy to do but it absolutely can be done. When you find yourself thinking of him refocus and think of yourself and getting your life in order. For yourself and your child. He's moved on. You need to as well.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He was using you. Now he's using her. She did you a favor. Now all his medical bs is her problem.


You are right, I know it deep down inside but because I truly love him I was willing to overlook that. What makes me hurt most was I tried to help him with all those doctors appointments, I was his driver, Hi caregiver after each surgeries, his housemaid to clean after his 5 cats (messy house) 4 dogs and I was the one buying all the pet supplies. while trying to manage my business , take care of our household and my depressed teenage daughter and all the while he was my priority. But I don't care as long as he loves me back. But now, he's telling me he still love in a different way not in-love with me anymore. Oh my heart is bleeding. I can't stop crying.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I feel bed for your feelings, I really do. But believe me you're better off without him. He's baggage. Imagine your life a year from now free of him.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

Thank you everyone! I really hope and pray that it will be over soon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

THe car that he took away from you, whose name was it in?

Whose name is he house in?

Depending on the state you are in, you might be 50% owner of the house. You might also be able to get that car back.

So see an attorney. If you do not have the $$ for an attorney they can ask the judge to have their fees paid out of marital assets.

Might be able to force the sale of the house, attorney fees are paid then you two spilt the reset 50/50.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

more..

The house is still your legal residence as it's the marital home. go there and call the police. Tell them that your husband has locked you out. He will need to let you back in. This will establish in the police records that he has kicked you out under threat of violence.

What state do you live in? You might be able to file based on adultery.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do you love him or do you love feeling needed by him?

He doesn't act very loving so I'm wondering what there is to love.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

HI Ele! The house was in his name because he paid it cash out of his inheritance, and so is the car, he trade-in my Mitsubishi and old toyota as a surprise gift for me and paid off the balance it was around $12k used Mercedes Bens and because it was a surprise gift he signed purchase agreement by himself . So when it time to part ways I dont have a claim on it, and I ended up buying another one. We live in Cali.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Do you love him or do you love feeling needed by him?
> 
> He doesn't act very loving so I'm wondering what there is to love.



I feel really in-love with him. regardless of his hoarding habits and his manic depressive moods. He wont admit it though but his mom told me 3 times over 6 six years that her son is just like her with manic depressive moods. that's why he like to make big purchases. and felt like a super man when his in a high mood and then half of the year would be a hermit. Now I am afraid that if he's not able to pay his credit cards, would the credit card company be after me? Also, because he like to hoard things would that mean he is going to take what is legally mine?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PlatinumGirl said:


> HI Ele! The house was in his name because he paid it cash out of his inheritance, and so is the car, he trade-in my Mitsubishi and old toyota as a surprise gift for me and paid off the balance it was around $12k used Mercedes Bens and because it was a surprise gift he signed purchase agreement by himself . So when it time to part ways I dont have a claim on it, and I ended up buying another one. We live in Cali.


HI ya!! I've done some work on divorces in Cali.

It's a no fault state but you can go after any significant amount that he has spent on this other woman. He's wasting marital assets.

Have you checked with an attorney on the car and the house?

With the car, he mixed your assets with his. A good attorney can argue that his $12K was converted into marital assets by him using your vehicles as part of the price. Plus the norm is that you get the vehicle you were driving... or you get the cash value for it.

With the house.. Did you put any money into any repairs, upgrades etc?


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> THe car that he took away from you, whose name was it in?
> 
> Whose name is he house in?
> 
> ...




OMG! I did opposite of the first 11 rules of 180. and in between. Im so stupid.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PlatinumGirl said:


> Now I am afraid that if he's not able to pay his credit cards, would the credit card company be after me? Also, because he like to hoard things would that mean he is going to take what is legally mine?


Yes the credit card companies can come after you if he does not pay his bills... for any bills made from the time you married until the day he kicked you out.

Make sure that the day he kicked you out is the date of separation. That cuts off your liability for his debts.

Do not wait for him to file for divorce. Do it now to have a court filing that ends your liability.

In divorce, community debt will be split 50/50... unless you get your attorney to argue a good case for you. The argument is that he has a huge amount of assets so he should take all the debt. He ran up the debt and you can prove it.

Make sure you subpoena all of his bank, credit card, etc statements.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

With the house.. Did you put any money into any repairs, upgrades etc?[/QUOTE]


No, I did not put any money on any upgrades except that I was his second handyman to assist in installing floors, and other stuff but because I felt I need to give my share I paid the household bills, supplies and food including dining out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PlatinumGirl said:


> OMG! I did opposite of the first 11 rules of 180. and in between. Im so stupid.


No you are to stupid. You did pretty much what every one does when their world first falls apart. Just use the 180 not. It's for you so that you gain some peace in your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PlatinumGirl said:


> With the house.. Did you put any money into any repairs, upgrades etc?



No, I did not put any money on any upgrades except that I was his second handyman to assist in installing floors, and other stuff but because I felt I need to give my share I paid the household bills, supplies and food including dining out.[/QUOTE]

Tell it all to your attorney. Make sure you get a real shark. He used you for a long time. If at all possible you need to re-coop some of what you put into taking care of him and supporting him.

Does he have any income now? Did he have income when you were together?


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

Ele,

You gave me more insights in this battle, I hope I have the courage to file the divorce myself. 4 days after we separate, he closed our joint account without telling me and took whatever is left there.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

Does he have any income now? Did he have income when you were together?[/QUOTE]


His only income was the rental properties (2 houses) and his disability check, I'm not very sure about his finances because I never asked him about it and He never share it to me. But when we were still good he made some landscape improvement to my facility and he spend his money (credit cards on it) cause every time he's in a manic phase he got to do big projects and left it unfinished when he's depressed, and then finish it when he is in high again. He took most of the things he put on the landscape work like concrete benches, statues, anything he can grab. That is why I'm worried he will try to take more from me.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

The only good thing that came out of this misery is that my child is more active now and we have time together to bond, we watch movies together and I am here for her to battle her depression. She also making progress to talk to people. So I guess this is what I needed to focus now and prioritize her rather than my strange husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PlatinumGirl said:


> Ele,
> 
> You gave me more insights in this battle, I hope I have the courage to file the divorce myself. 4 days after we separate, he closed our joint account without telling me and took whatever is left there.


Ok, so you have a record of what he took from your joint account? that's community money. Part of the divorce settlement is that he has to give you half of it.

When he got his inheritance, was your name on the account he put it into? Did any of your money go into the account he put it into?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PlatinumGirl said:


> Does he have any income now? Did he have income when you were together?



His only income was the rental properties (2 houses) and his disability check, I'm not very sure about his finances because I never asked him about it and He never share it to me. But when we were still good he made some landscape improvement to my facility and he spend his money (credit cards on it) cause every time he's in a manic phase he got to do big projects and left it unfinished when he's depressed, and then finish it when he is in high again. He took most of the things he put on the landscape work like concrete benches, statues, anything he can grab. That is why I'm worried he will try to take more from me.[/QUOTE]

I'm confused.. what is 'your facility'? Do you own a building that is used for business or something?

Do you have photos of the things he took? Ask for the monetary value of them back. Once he put landscaping on your property.. it's yours.

There might be some issues of him having partial ownership of your facility depending on what funds were used for payments.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

PlatinumGirl said:


> HI Ele! The house was in his name because he paid it cash out of his inheritance, and so is the car, he trade-in my Mitsubishi and old toyota as a surprise gift for me and paid off the balance it was around $12k used Mercedes Bens and because it was a surprise gift he signed purchase agreement by himself . So when it time to part ways I dont have a claim on it, and I ended up buying another one. We live in Cali.


Depending on the state-

If you purchase a house during the marriage WITH inheritance that converts back to marital property.
Same with the car!!!!

It doesn't matter who signed the purchase agreement!!!!!

Do you have a lawyer?!!!!!!


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

OMG this makes me so mad.. probably because I'm in the same situation.

The inheritance is a COMPLEX thing and you need a lawyer, like YESTERDAY. He is probably figuring that you would just take this at face value.

In some states if you got 500k cash in inheritance and put it in your own account, BUT at some point you took $5 of MUTUAL income and mixed it with the 500k? It's community/marital.

If you state that he purchased the house DURING the marriage WITH inheritance this is probably 50% YOURS (because this was a marital home)

PLEASE do some damage control NOW. Call a few good lawyers in your area, get in ASAP. They can freeze accounts and prevent him from doing future damage.

I know this is so hard, and you love him. But the fact that he is doing this means that he does not love you in the same way.
Don't let him take advantage of you anymore.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

I'm confused.. what is 'your facility'? Do you own a building that is used for business or something?

Do you have photos of the things he took? Ask for the monetary value of them back. Once he put landscaping on your property.. it's yours.

There might be some issues of him having partial ownership of your facility depending on what funds were used for payments.[/QUOTE]

I have Residential Care Facility for the Elderly and it's been established before I met him. All mortgage and other operational cost are being paid by the facility's revenue. Yes I have photos of things he remove from my facility.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

Thank you Bunny!


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, so you have a record of what he took from your joint account? that's community money. Part of the divorce settlement is that he has to give you half of it.
> 
> When he got his inheritance, was your name on the account he put it into? Did any of your money go into the account he put it into?


Ele,

When he got the money, he deposit everything to his personal bank account. We had estate sale at his father's house and his mom and I helped him and you know how tiring and exhausting it was. But not single thank you dinner treat, I told him to at least give some of the sale to his mom at least for her gas expense since she lives about an hour and half and drove over to help. He didn't share a single penny to his mom. He says she was like that to him when she received her own inheritance few years back. No sharing.


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

Update:

I read the "letting go" thread and it helped me a lot to realize what I must do. So this morning I sent an email letter letting him go and releasing myself from him. Husband emailed me back and said:
****Hi. My phone is still not working. I talked to AT&T and they said to go to a retail outlet and get a new SIM card. The phone finally turned on but their PUK codes are not working. Hopefully I will get it fixed tomorrow.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to tell me how you feel. I know the harsh words you said to me prior were due to your emotions, and I do understand. But, you said it all in this last message and I do indeed wish the best for you as I have said over and over again. But, down the road, mark my words, you will find true happiness with or without someone. Although, I know you deserve someone very special and both you and I have learned valuable lessons for showing appreciation of our significant other. And, I hold no resentments against you, for I know you are merely trying as hard as you can. Believe me, it hurts me to see you suffer. Just remember, there is a huge light waiting for you at the end of the tunnel.*****


My problem with this is how on earth this man who always professed his love for me up until June 15 can callously kill our marriage? How on earth did this happen as if I was just a girlfriend who he can dumped immediately now that all his major surgery is over and he is on his way to full recovery and be whole again. Was I really blind no to see he was just using me. OH MY HEART IS BLEEDING. Although I convince myself last night that this is the best for me. I am still hurting to the core. VERY UNFAIR!!!! I'm so sorry everyone whose reading this, but I needed to share how bad I am hurting. I am very very stupid.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

PlatinumGirl said:


> Update:My problem with this is how on earth this man who always professed his love for me up until June 15 can callously kill our marriage? How on earth did this happen as if I was just a girlfriend who he can dumped immediately now that all his major surgery is over and he is on his way to full recovery and be whole again. Was I really blind no to see he was just using me. OH MY HEART IS BLEEDING. Although I convince myself last night that this is the best for me. I am still hurting to the core. VERY UNFAIR!!!! I'm so sorry everyone whose reading this, but I needed to share how bad I am hurting. I am very very stupid.


He can do that because he's a user, and that's why you're better off without him. He can move on to this other woman in a flash because he's shut down that part of him that cares about you. He's compartmentalizing so that he can justify his crappy behavior.

You are NOT stupid. You were in love with this man, and now he's done this; your rational mind and your emotions are in conflict. You just have to remember to listen to your rational mind over your emotional heart, because the rational mind is right; the clamoring of emotions WILL FADE with time.

Be strong, and as some other folks here -- lawyer up! I don't normally say this sort of thing (I'm pretty generous and forgiving), but I think you need to take this piece of sh!t for everything that you can. Hit him where it hurts.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

You are not stupid! Trusting? Loving? But not stupid!
You will do better!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are angry because you did not see his obvious character flaws. He does not sound normal. Get a lawyer so that your divorce is fair. You don't need half of his inheritance, but all the money you shelled out when he was broke, that ought to split 50/50
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PlatinumGirl (Sep 11, 2013)

Here is the new update, My estranged husband told me 3 weeks ago that he started working on a divorce paper, and that because I texted him while I was furious to go ahead and start the divorce proceeding. I really didn't want a divorce but I was hurt due to his being able to date while we are separated. I hated him at that moment when he told me to move on. I tried so many new hobbies just to forget him. I joined my daughters belly dance club and we are having fun to dance together. I started to improve myself and changed my wardrobe to feel good about my self again. I started doing workout and going out with my girlfriends and all the while my heart is aching. One of my husband's closest friends sided with me along with his wife. We used to go out with them and celebrate most of our holidays and birthdays. Now, they are pressuring me to get a lawyer but I am not ready yet. I am clinging on to the thinnest thread of hope that there will be a reconciliation. Last Thursday, I went by my husband's house because I know he was back in town after spending most of the week in his new girlfriend's house. He only stays in town for two days to feed the dogs and bird and the cats, he leaves them with bunch of dry food and plenty of water. I only came to his house just to get an important document (original birth certificates) because my daughter and I are applying for a passport. he asked me then when do I plan to travel and when I told him by December, he then made a joke " Oh well I should go find my passport and join you." It is confusing because the next day he left again to be with his girlfriend. He told me and swear that he never dated anyone while we were still together only after the separation. But I have a doubts and maybe not PA at first but started with EA. After seeing IC today, His advise to me was to see a lawyer for a free consultation. And he thinks I'm better off without my husband. I am beginning to think that way. But every now and then, the loneliness keep crawling back and wishing that I didn't marry him, I wish that I didn't fall in-love with him and wished I'm not in this situation. The house I am renting now with my daughter is peaceful and relaxing. I don't have to worry about his pets, his back pains, cleaning his house and most of all I don't have to adjust my schedule to cater to him. I am now able to take care of myself and spend time with my daughter. My emotions are still raw but I am trying hard to forget. I may post again on a later date if I can keep myself sane or if I have fully move on. In the mean time, I don't feel like getting a lawyer, I just needed to be left alone by friends who were trying to baby me or felt like they have to keep a close eye on me, people who want to decide for me. I am a grown up and able to take care of myself. I wished I don't have to explain to friends and family how my life is.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> The house I am renting now with my daughter is peaceful and relaxing. I don't have to worry about his pets, his back pains, cleaning his house and most of all I don't have to adjust my schedule to cater to him


Sounds good to me.


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