# I handled my wife's lies and affairs the wrong way



## LostinAustin (Jul 28, 2012)

It's my first time posting my story. And I'm not proud with how I handled it.
We've been married 9 years and was happily married the majority of the time. We were never perfect. I could have been a better communicator and not such a procrastinator. She could have been more affectionate towards me, in the last 3 yrs of our marriage, we had sex maybe one a week or every other week. So porn and my right hand placated my lack of intimacy with my wife.

Despite these issues, we rarely fought or argued. We only had one big fight in our marriage. Sad, right? We both held in our issues of needs not met. I dismissed it that her depression was based on the lack of closure between her and mom when she passed away 5 years ago.

I took things for granted. And all that time her resentment towards me was building. I took care of everything in our house, the kids, the dog...you name it while she wallowed in her ups and downs with depression.

Then one day I discovered an open chat on Facebook between her and a guy she met on a business trip. And I knew something was not right. And she was acting funny as well as sleeping a lot.
I confronted her about it and how I handled it was where I went wrong. I could have handled it by stating no contact, etc. But I didn't. My addiction at the time with sex and fantasies about 3somes came into play. I told her I was angry because she was hiding this from me. Asked her if she loved him and she said no. And then I said the one thing I'll always regret. Then why don't we do this the right way and fufill my fanatsy of a 3some with me included.
I was an Idiot. You don't need to tell me.
And of course, you guys know what happened. There was never a 3some. Just empty promises of the possibility while the affair continued behind my back.
4 months later I caught her again. She was crying for lying and all that other BS. Instead of kicking her out the door, I only held her and said we need to put a stop to this once and for all and that I still loved her. This was the first time she cried about cheating. I thought it was all in the past now.Mistake #2

She promised it would end. And with him, she was right. Except, the guy's business partner who had been her on-line friend through all this became OM #2. And this she hid from me for the next 6 months. 
It was a long distance affair with the late night chats while I slept. This was worse because unlike the first affair, this one started as an EA, then eventually a PA.
It got bad once I started getting bad vibes and eventually hit rock bottom sobbing uncontrollably. I told her I was sorry for not trusting her and that I must be imagining an affair with #2. At that moment, I realized I was sick. Depressed. I said I need to see a psychiatrist and get help. She never admitted or confessed. She just agreed that I needed help.
Two months later I finally caught her and she admitted it. I got the ILYBINILWY speech.
The OM's wife found out, but for the next 4 months the OM's wife and I struggled to help our spouses. They were in"love" with each other. And I was getting ****ty advice from our marriage counselor. Even though the counselor acknowledged the affair was wrong, I was still advised to stick it through while there was still contact going on. The whole time my wife went, she would state her heart wasn't in it (counseling). She admitted the affair was a drug that made her depression go away. 
I had to subject my self-esteem to all sorts of hell to wait till the affair died. When it did, she left me and moved away after she lost everything. I eventually divorced her several months later. 
I still feel guilt for not handling this correctly. I wished I had found this website sooner (the affairs happened in 2010) when everything was going wrong. I regret that I wasn't strong enough to keep my fantasies exactly what they were meant to be. I know many of you would love to give me grief on that one, but trust me I know I ****ed that up. And the good news is I sought help regarding the sexual addictions. And I'm a lot better for it now thank god.
The only thing I don't regret was how I tried to do everything right after the affair ended. It didn't work because she was still heartbroken for the OM while I tried to save the marriage.
For what it's worth, I hope no one here makes the mistake of being an enabler. Of trying to be Mr. Nice guy in the midst of an affair. Because at the point, your spouse doesn't give a rats ass about you. You have to be tough. You have to listen to your gut. And in the end, after listening to all sorts of advice, you have to make your own decision to do what's right for you and your family.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Here is my advice, You cant do anything about the past, so just let it go. Work on the present and the future. I wish all the best to you.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Thx for sharing that.


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## happened2me (Oct 5, 2013)

You handled it the best you knew how at the time. We're never issued pamphlets on how to deal/cope with such things. What if you had done things the "right" way. The outcome could still have been the same. As "Tmound" said, "Work on the present and the future." Best of luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Her affairs were sh$tty, no question, and you looking for a threesome told her that she did in fact have little value to you. If she was already feeling taken for granted that was the coffin nail. As for right now, two things must happen; she must cut off these guys and you should stop taking her for granted. Fire your crappy counselor and tell your wife that you realize you took her for granted and offered to pimp her out for your fantasy, and that she has much more value than that. Then tell her you can't be married to someone that cheats so she can either cut everyone off and focus on your marriage or you'll end it right now. Then stick to that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Her affairs were sh$tty, no question, and you looking for a threesome told her that she did in fact have little value to you. If she was already feeling taken for granted that was the coffin nail. As for right now, two things must happen; she must cut off these guys and you should stop taking her for granted. Fire your crappy counselor and tell your wife that you realize you took her for granted and offered to pimp her out for your fantasy, and that she has much more value than that. Then tell her you can't be married to someone that cheats so she can either cut everyone off and focus on your marriage or you'll end it right now. Then stick to that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you saw the word threesome and stopped reading?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LostinAustin,

You did the best you could at the time with the knowledge and help you had.

What you counselor told you to do does work in some cases. There is no one way to handle an affair. You do not know what would have happened if you had insisted on the no contact route. It's easy to be an armchair quarterback now and assume it would have turned out ok.

Some lessons in live are very expensive. The way I look at it is that this is one that had a very high tuition. You have now learned a lot about live and marriage now. There is more you can learn.

Unfortunately, we do not educate people on how to have a good marriage. So some of us learn through the school of hard knocks. 

I assume that some day you will find another woman, who is not perpetually depressed and who can love you in the right ways. In light of that I suggest that you take the time to learn about how to have a healthy marriage.

Look at the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They will prepare you for setting things up right from the get go.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> LostinAustin,
> 
> You did the best you could at the time with the knowledge and help you had.
> 
> ...


This!!!! :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You did not have children?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Its never too late to post both OM up on cheaterville.com, and to for divorce from your wife. Why fight to be her second choice?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The most important thing about your story is that yes you got burned and you hurt a lot. Now that you have learned a valuable lesson, just don't make the same mistake twice. Her affair was on her. She has to own that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So you saw the word threesome and stopped reading?


Yes, just to p!ss you off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lost

sorry for the loss of your marriage.

Not sorry that you divorced and lost her.

Because your ex was seriously lost.

and there is no way her depression was the only reason for her sordid affairs and lying to you.

Glad you got help for your issues.

HM


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yes, just to p!ss you off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Interesting. There was another guy forget name that went that way. And HTD.

3somes.= poison to a committed relationship. Even asking for one.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

The right way to get a marriage back from an affair really depends on the abilities of those in the marriage.
Sometimes it is an extroverted lifestyle that can be averted and the marriage can be reexamined and saved, but other times it can be confused individuals that don't know how to manage their emotions nor have mature communication skills and only chaos ensues, with no chance of saving the marriage.
Don't regret how you handled it, use what you have to contribute to your next relationship now that you have learned a lot. This can be something to look forward to for yourself.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Of course it can be completely useless to even try to save the marriage if you only have one party that wants to save it, so don't beat yourself up over it. 
Both parties must have a vested interest in oder to recover from an affair.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

...and even then, it's hard.


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## LostinAustin (Jul 28, 2012)

Working1 said:


> Of course it can be completely useless to even try to save the marriage if you only have on party that wants to save it, so don't beat yourself up over it.
> Both parties must have a vested interest in oder to recover from an affair.


I learned that the hard way after learning of the infidelity. I was the only one trying/wanting to save it. I think she was conflicted with one small part of her brain trying to be rational and saying, this is all wrong! And then the emotional part that was too strong and took over with the flooding of dopamine, etc. that had her believe that her savior was this OM.
It's been quite a while since my divorce... 
And I just found out yesterday that the OM is getting a divorce with his wife.
There are no winners with infidelity.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

LostinAustin said:


> It's my first time posting my story. And I'm not proud with how I handled it.
> We've been married 9 years and was happily married the majority of the time. We were never perfect. I could have been a better communicator and not such a procrastinator. She could have been more affectionate towards me, in the last 3 yrs of our marriage, we had sex maybe one a week or every other week. So porn and my right hand placated my lack of intimacy with my wife.
> 
> Despite these issues, we rarely fought or argued. We only had one big fight in our marriage. Sad, right? We both held in our issues of needs not met. I dismissed it that her depression was based on the lack of closure between her and mom when she passed away 5 years ago.
> ...


Well, as others have implied, the final result was what had to happen anyway. Does not sound like she was salvageable, regardless of how you handled the first revelation.
One lesson to learn going forward is that 3SOmes and open marriage are basically the same thing IMO. CAN't suggest the former without strongly implying the latter.......again....IMHO. and I think what you really want is a standard committed, monogamous marriage.


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