# Strange Financial Arrangement - Could We Be Next?



## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

My partner's mother's boyfriend of 11 years financially supports her and financially assists with 3 of her children, aged 38, 24 and 22. I am not so opposed to him financially supporting my partner's mom but I see an issue with financially helping 3 adult children. He has given used cars to them, paid things like car insurance bills or just given cash in general. The children have financial problems stemming from poor life and financial choices such as spending money on booze and cigarettes and sometimes drugs. The boyfriend even gives money to the daughter pretty much knowing it will go to her alcoholic boyfriend.

Is there something wrong with this? I know this is none of my business but the reason this worries me is that my partner's mom's relationship with the boyfriend is rocky. I am probably the next most successful and responsible person "in the family" and if their relationship ends, I feel my partner and I will be the "next ones up" expected to pitch in and help these kids out. It's a role I definitely don't want. Her family deep down are good people and have always been nice to me; I almost feel bad for writing this but I don't want to be caught up in this, especially when I'm working to pay off debt of my own.

Do I have a right to be concerned?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

wxman3441 said:


> Her family deep down are good people...


No they're not. They're deadbeats who all think everyone _else_ should support their sorry asses. I don't feel that way about the mother as that's the agreement she's got going with her partner and that's what worked for them. But if the ATM is about to close and her jobless mom and deadbeat siblings are about to face life without a benefactor, then that falls under the heading of 'too damned bad' and I guess they'll have to grow up and actually EARN their way through life, like big boys and girls.

Repeat after me: *Not* my circus, *not* my monkeys.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

wxman3441 said:


> My partner's mother's boyfriend of 11 years financially supports her and financially assists with 3 of her children, aged 38, 24 and 22. I am not so opposed to him financially supporting my partner's mom but I see an issue with financially helping 3 adult children. He has given used cars to them, paid things like car insurance bills or just given cash in general. The children have financial problems stemming from poor life and financial choice such as spending money on booze and cigarettes and sometimes drugs. The boyfriend even gives money to the daughter pretty much knowing it will go to her alcoholic boyfriend.
> 
> Is there something wrong with this? I know this is none of my business but the reason is worries me is that my partner's mom's relationship with the boyfriend is rocky. I am probably the next most successful and responsible person "in the family" and if their relationship ends, I feel my partner and I will be the "next ones up" expected to pitch in and help these kids out. It's a role I definitely don't want. Her family deep down are good people; I almost feel bad for writing this but *I don't want to be caught up in this,* especially when I'm working to pay off debt of my own.
> 
> Do I have a right to be concerned?


Then don't be. You are solely in control of your money and what you do with it. If they ask just tell them you don't mix finances with family because it just causes problems, but you'll give them all the moral support you can.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Immediately read the book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

YES there is something wrong with THAT situation but it has nothing to do with you.. Like someone said it's not your circus. I wouldn't mind helping someone who is working full-time or going to college and they are down on their luck needing a car or even short $$ for insurance. That's fine because you know they are trying to better themselves.. But for cigarettes, gas money to go to the bar or car insurance when they don't work that's a NO!!! These adult children need to get to work and do something.. Do not at all feel guilty about not helping them financially-NOT AT ALL!! If you want to host a BBQ/dinner once a month that should be OK but not handing $$ out.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You have another thread on tam where you are concerned with your partners attitude to money and savings and you also say your partner regularly gives money to her siblings because they have drinking and smoking issues.
She also let her brother live with you both for two years when he barely contributed anything to household expenses and he was actually unemployed for six months when he contributed nothing.
Her entire family have an attitude of entitlement and I include her in this.She depends on you for transportation for her and the child because she doesn’t drive,she is always broke at the end of the month but can afford the latest electronic gadgets for her daughter.She spends money freely on tattoos (This alone would make me leave) She also insists on numerous gifts for her daughter at Christmas etc,in your own words the “gift pile”doesn’t look big enough is a regular statement from her.
I would normally advise someone to discuss this situation fully before committing to marriage but you claim when you try to talk about money you end up fighting.This is her deflecting your concerns,gaslighting in other words.
Ask yourself this,what do you gain from marriage to this woman.
You made a poor choice with your first wife despite friends warning you about her.
Don’t repeat your mistake.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has this boyfriend been involved with their mother?


----------



## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

11 years.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wxman3441 said:


> 11 years.


Then he was with her when the younger two were still children. At some point the guy really needs to realize that he's not helping them now, he's enabling.

I've been through something similar with step kids. Its' really easy to get attached quickly. But one thing that because very clear to me once they were out of high school is that they were just black holes, meaning that they would suck up everything I gave them emotionally and financially. I had to cut off the financial part pretty quickly.

Have you ever talk to this guy about what he's doing with his step kids? Maybe the problem is that he's surrounded by a family who thinks this is what parents do. He might need some emotional support to cut the adult "children" off. If he can set that precedence now, you have less to worry about them tapping you financially.

Does the mother work? Or does her boyfriend support her too?


----------



## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> No they're not. They're deadbeats who all think everyone _else_ should support their sorry asses. I don't feel that way about the mother as that's the agreement she's got going with her partner and that's what worked for them. But if the ATM is about to close and her jobless mom and deadbeat siblings are about to face life without a benefactor, then that falls under the heading of 'too damned bad' and I guess they'll have to grow up and actually EARN their way through life, like big boys and girls.
> 
> Repeat after me: *Not* my circus, *not* my monkeys.


^^^^I love you! hahahaha. 


Seriously, that is good stuff there. I would also like to mention...."Like Mother, like daughter." You may want to cool things and get a 50,000ft. view on this relationship. Good questions to ask are...What does the boyfriend do that gets him so much cash just to hand out to losers? What is "mom's" response to the drugs and alcohol? And why are YOU hanging around girls that are tied up into such dysfunction?


----------



## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Then he was with her when the younger two were still children. At some point the guy really needs to realize that he's not helping them now, he's enabling.
> 
> I've been through something similar with step kids. Its' really easy to get attached quickly. But one thing that because very clear to me once they were out of high school is that they were just black holes, meaning that they would suck up everything I gave them emotionally and financially. I had to cut off the financial part pretty quickly.
> 
> ...


I think the issue is that the mother is manipulative and the boyfriend almost feels he has to do this. It doesn't seem to upset him that he does it so maybe he is just oblivious to it all. His reward for it all is to be constantly accused of cheating when in reality he is out working all the time, securing resources for 4 people including himself. 

Mother doesn't work and is mostly supported by the boyfriend.


----------



## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> ^^^^I love you! hahahaha.
> 
> 
> Seriously, that is good stuff there. I would also like to mention...."Like Mother, like daughter." You may want to cool things and get a 50,000ft. view on this relationship. Good questions to ask are...What does the boyfriend do that gets him so much cash just to hand out to losers? What is "mom's" response to the drugs and alcohol? And why are YOU hanging around girls that are tied up into such dysfunction?


Mom's boyfriend drives a truck. Not sure how much he makes. The mom seems concerned about the drug and alcohol use but chalks it up to mental heath issues. Which I don't deny but enabling those who make bad choices isnt going to solve the problem. The bigger problem is I seem to be the only one that sees this situation as enabling where everyone else sees it as "helping".


----------



## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

My in-laws had a similar problem that the youngest son (26) at the time was STILL living in the house (3BR, 2BA) with his wife and two kids. So you have, mom (a step above min. wage) Dad (unemployed, old) Son (26) and wife with two small ones. (10, 4)....Thats a lot for one paycheck! Good grief. 

I told my wife that under NO circumstances will we be enablers of this type of behavior. They will NEVER live with us, and we will not be giving them an "allowance".

She knows that to do so will negate our marriage and I will eject. Period. 


Make sure you keep your boundaries and project the aire of confidence concerning such. If GF thinks like-minded with the family. She will beg, barter or steal for them. Mark my words.... "blood is thicker than water."


----------

