# My wife accepted a random gift from a married male colleague from work



## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

Hello All.
I would like to share with you a little dilemma I faced yesterday

My wife is a financial controller in her company, and always has to deal with several male colleagues, one in particular, is the driver and the go-to-guy for payments at the banks, documents, governmental issues..., so naturally my wife has a lot of work with him, on daily basis.
he is around 13 years older than her, is married, with 2 kids, we know him and his family, they came several times for visits, and vice versa, he is a really nice man, always willing to help my wife any anything she needs.
driving her to our son's basketball training, or anyplace she needs to be in...
yesterday my wife's mug broke, she has her picture printed on it with our son, so without telling her, and without my wife knowing, he asked for her picture from her friend, went and got her a mug with her picture printed on it.
She accepted it and came and told me the new in the evening, naturally the mug stayed in the office, as she uses it there.

Should I be concerned? I know the guy, he is super nice, but if it was a random mug, I would not have commented. I mean a personalized mug with her picture on it, got me somewhat not comfortable, and I blamed my wife for accepting it, trying to explain to her that it's kind of inappropriate from his side to gift her, and from her side to accept the gift.

He occasionally gets her lunch, his treat, and she ends up no eating her own lunch

Am I overreacting?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Marca1984 said:


> Am I overreacting?


Yes. It's a mug. And, it has her picture. Not his.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I think it's not a big deal. If he is getting her lunch regularly, I don't know, that feels more concerning to me...are they alone? Does he do the same thing for other coworkers? Male ones?


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

It's an office mug. I've done this loads of times.

Don't give it a 2nd thought.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I get the feeling the mug might be you... jokes apart, you know the guy... do you get the impression he wants to get into your wife's knickers?


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

TJW said:


> Yes. It's a mug. And, it has her picture. Not his.


Thx for the reply. I know it's a silly mug😊. But y bother going the extra mile to print her pic on it and give it to her?
I feel I'm overreacting, cz lately, we've been arguing a bit, so everything is adding up...


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I get the feeling the mug might be you... jokes apart, you know the guy... do you get the impression he wants to get into your wife's knickers?


I did not go that far in my thinking to be honest... i don't think no


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

hairyhead said:


> It's an office mug. I've done this loads of times.
> 
> Don't give it a 2nd thought.


Thx for the reply😊


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

joannacroc said:


> I think it's not a big deal. If he is getting her lunch regularly, I don't know, that feels more concerning to me...are they alone? Does he do the same thing for other coworkers? Male ones?


Not that i know of. But I'm sure that he never accepted my wife to pay of anything, and always treats her other than all her "girls" colleagues, he tells her her most of his personal stuff with his wife. He feels so relaxed when he talks to her


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Marca1984 said:


> Hello All.
> I would like to share with you a little dilemma I faced yesterday
> 
> My wife is a financial controller in her company, and always has to deal with several male colleagues, one in particular, is the driver and the go-to-guy for payments at the banks, documents, governmental issues..., so naturally my wife has a lot of work with him, on daily basis.
> ...


Be prepared for the flood of posts that say he's being inappropriate. I do not see it that way. A co-worker, who by all accounts from what you said is also a family friend, has seen that she lost a favored mug. In an effort to be nice, he got a replacement for her. That's the kind of thing friends can and should be able to do without it needing to be romantic or sexual in nature. We have a friend that we are going to get a game shipped from Europe for, because it is only available there. That's going to be close to $80. This is simply the kind of friendship that some people grow up with and exhibit in their adulthood and to teach their own children. Simply because you consider it inappropriate, does not meant that he or she grew up with that gesture as seen as inappropriate. You are talking about something that is very subjective. Basically you are looking at a range of "inappropriateness" that can rage from anything outside of work related conversations is inappropriate to casual flirting for the sake of flirting is fine. There is no one true set of ideals here. Can you explain in words why this inappropriate? Something more concrete? If not, then realize that you are dealing with your opinion of it, and if you have not laid out with your wife before hand what you consider inappropriate, then don't expect her to automatically match her considerations with yours.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Marca1984 said:


> Thx for the reply. I know it's a silly mug😊. *But y bother going the extra mile to print her pic on it and give it to her?*
> I feel I'm overreacting, cz lately, we've been arguing a bit, so everything is adding up...


Because that is what some people, far too few IMHO, have been taught is friendship. Going that extra mile. Remember, as I noted in my previous post, this is not just a co-worker, but a family friends, since you stated that your families do things together.


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

I know him. He is super nice, and a family friend.
Maybe it's me, I'm overreacting, maybe my jealousy kicked in.
Maybe my inner gut is telling me things, since lately, I've been having several arguments with my wife about relationship, so all have been mixing up in my head, and whenver i confront her, she turns defensive and ends up crying, which is really bothering me, i don't want her to feel sad, or feel that i don't trust her, maybe because i love so much, that I'm having all these negative thoughts...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marca1984 said:


> Thx for the reply. I know it's a silly mug😊. But y bother going the extra mile to print her pic on it and give it to her?
> I feel I'm overreacting, cz lately, we've been arguing a bit, so everything is adding up...


Because the one that broke had her photo on it. 
I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. 
It had been an expensive piece if jewelry then that's different.


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

maquiscat said:


> Because that is what some people, far too few IMHO, have been taught is friendship. Going that extra mile. Remember, as I noted in my previous post, this is not just a co-worker, but a family friends, since you stated that your families do things together.


Maybe you're right, because it's HIM, in my head something is telling me that don't overreact 😊


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Because the one that broke had her photo on it.
> I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.
> It had been an expensive piece if jewelry then that's different.


Thx for the reply, I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it, i feel I'm overreacting here, that's y i shared my concern, to hear others opinions 😊, and thank you for your engagements to my post; when i spoke with my wife about this, and she turned defensive, i asked her, if the excat same thing happened to me, what would you reaction be? She did not speak a word about it and changed the subject immediately...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Nothing to worry about. But if you want to get her another mug with family picture and/or whoever instead of just her picture, do so, and she will have a more true replacement.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marca1984 said:


> Hello All.
> I would like to share with you a little dilemma I faced yesterday
> 
> My wife is a financial controller in her company, and always has to deal with several male colleagues, one in particular, is the driver and the go-to-guy for payments at the banks, documents, governmental issues..., so naturally my wife has a lot of work with him, on daily basis.
> ...


What is your group like? The group you and your wife are part of.

Is her coworker part of the group too?


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Nothing to worry about. But if you want to get her another mug with family picture and/or whoever instead of just her picture, do so, and she will have a more true replacement.


Thx for your reply, it's fine😊


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> What is your group like? The group you and your wife are part of.
> 
> Is her coworker part of the group too?


Her family😁 is mainly our group.
I'm not really involved in her coworkers plans and relationships. Besides, ever since we met, i drifted apart from my friends and groups to be with her. So basically her friends and family are my friends.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The mug that broke had a picture of your wife and son? The new mug has a picture of her only?

He was a bit presumptuous. Getting her picture without asking is edgy.

Why don't you get her a good mug with a picture of you, her and your son?

Also, it wouldn't hurt to show up to her work, schedule permitting, and have lunch with her or just drop her some flowers.

Does she have a family picture on her desk?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marca1984 said:


> Her family😁


So the coworker doesn't interact with your family socially?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marca1984 said:


> Thx for the reply, I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it, i feel I'm overreacting here, that's y i shared my concern, to hear others opinions 😊, and thank you for your engagements to my post; when i spoke with my wife about this, and she turned defensive, i asked her, if the excat same thing happened to me, what would you reaction be? She did not speak a word about it and changed the subject immediately...


That's not good either.

She should have been willing to talk to you about it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marca1984 said:


> Her family😁 is mainly our group.
> I'm not really involved in her coworkers plans and relationships. Besides, ever since we met, i drifted apart from my friends and groups to be with her. So basically her friends and family are my friends.


On a side note, it wouldn't hurt to pick back up with your own friends sometimes.

Have you given up on your interests or hobbies since you married?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Marca1984 said:


> I did not go that far in my thinking to be honest... i don't think no


I think her co-worker's being a bit over-friendly. Probably harmless, but I am a man and I know how men think.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He also seems to be very involved in your wife's personal life with driving her to your son's games.

Why is he doing that and so many other things for your wife?

When does he have time for his own wife?

Why aren't you driving your own wife?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I would do this for my boss (not now, but as a general concept).

I have a skateboard deck I ordered for a guy I haven’t worked with in 10 years but he is an awesome guy and I was ordering one myself and saw one where I was like oh that guy needs to have this!

Picking up lunches and stuff is also normal both ways.

With female employees I would never go to lunch 1-1 with them. The only time I have ever chatted is in a larger cafeteria if I am eating by myself and they happen to sit down at my table.

My wife works in much smaller groups. She has employees and sometimes she will take a male employee to lunch. No big deal. If one of those guys bought her a gift like a personalized coffee mug I would not find it threatening even if they wanted to bang her.

What would be more problematic is spending a lot of extra time at the office or away from home.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> That's not good either.
> 
> She should have been willing to talk to you about it.


To be fair she did tell him he had got it for her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marca1984 said:


> Not that i know of. But I'm sure that he never accepted my wife to pay of anything, and always treats her other than all her "girls" colleagues, he tells her her most of his personal stuff with his wife. He feels so relaxed when he talks to her


So he talks about his personal life with his wife?

How does his wife feel about that?

My radar is going off here. I think an emotional affair at least is going on or developing.


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

I get her flowers regularly to her office, and yes she has a family picture on her desk.
Maybe i can get her a mug with the 4 of us(me, her, son, daughter)


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> On a side note, it wouldn't hurt to pick back up with your own friends sometimes.
> 
> Have you given up on your interests or hobbies since you married?


Actually, i re-initiated basket ball pickup games with my old high school friends, since it's my favorite hobby.
Sadly, all my other hobbies are not matching with hers, so i had to sacrifice something for our relationship, i think it's wrong🙁


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i would not be worried one bit. 
Women in management positions had to deal with getting hit on all career long. they know how to cope, and how to shut down any serious advances by their male coworkers.

If she took the mug, and did not tell you about it, that is one step up...but still would not be a serious thing to worry about

people do little favors for each other in business simply in order for business to flow better. If he needs to ask a favor of your wife in processing some checks or something, it is slighly more likely it will go easily now that he gave her a $12 coffee cup


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> So he talks about his personal life with his wife?
> 
> How does his wife feel about that?
> 
> My radar is going off here. I think an emotional affair at least is going on or developing.


I'm sure his wife is not aware of him sharing their private life with others.
His wife sometimes calls my wife to nag about him, nothing unusual, just about silly stuff with him.
And he always share with my wife his "fights" with his wife, and how she is overprotective, and jealous.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Marca1984 said:


> Thx for the reply. I know it's a silly mug😊. But y bother going the extra mile to print her pic on it and give it to her?
> I feel I'm overreacting, cz lately, we've been arguing a bit, so everything is adding up...


He is her subordinate but also is her friend.
He treats her like a good friend, and he goes the extra mile.

Like plants, a friendship must be watered and fertilized.
The man is a good gardener.

Keep in mind, being this way, he makes himself irreplaceable in your wife's mind.
A bit of job security at play, on his part, witnessed here.

My opinion?

Yes, he is a man, he could want more, but he is practical, patient, and would never make a move on your wife, unless she signaled that she is interested.

Being a driver, I am assuming he has a minimum education, unlike your wife, is this correct?
If this is not correct, he sees your wife as a means to advance.
He is fond of her.

If he does not have a higher education, she sees him as a favorite and trusted servant. 



_KB-_


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> i would not be worried one bit.
> Women in management positions had to deal with getting hit on all career long. they know how to cope, and how to shut down any serious advances by their male coworkers.
> 
> If she took the mug, and did not tell you about it, that is one step up...but still would not be a serious thing to worry about
> ...


She is also head of payroll, she always take care of him financially, and talks to the owner about improving his salary, and pay him his overtime and all the extra work he does. His salary is a bit low for the work he does, so my wife always does her best for him. Maybe it's his way to thank her in return, to show his appreciation...


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> He is her subordinate but also is her friend.
> He treats her like a good friend, and he goes the extra mile.
> 
> Like plants, a friendship must be watered and fertilized.
> ...


Well said👍. He is a retired army veteran


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Marca1984 said:


> She is also head of payroll, she always take care of him financially, and talks to the owner about improving his salary, and pay him his overtime and all the extra work he does. His salary is a bit low for the work he does, so my wife always does her best for him. Maybe it's his way to thank her in return, to show his appreciation...


yeah that is a trap.
i worked really hard once for a female engineer that i inhereted as a direct report. She was making 2/3 what her male co workers were making for the same skills and responsibility.

After really sticking my neck out to get her a big raise, she kind of backstabbed me during some reorganization stuff. 
Do not make the mistake of thinking these workers are "your friends". they are workers, you are the boss, keep it professional and follow policies to the letter.

If you need a friend, get a dog.


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> He also seems to be very involved in your wife's personal life with driving her to your son's games.
> 
> Why is he doing that and so many other things for your wife?
> 
> ...


He drives her on his way back home, when they go out of work, and because I drive my son to the basketball training, and watch him, and she meets me in the arena, when she gets out of work, and we then go pick our daughter up and then home.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Marca1984 said:


> I've been having several arguments with my wife about relationship, so all have been mixing up in my head, and whenver i confront her, she turns defensive and ends up crying, which is really bothering me, i don't want her to feel sad, or feel that i don't trust her, maybe because i love so much, that I'm having all these negative thoughts...


To me, this is more concerning than the mug.

Why are you guys arguing? Why do you feel you don't trust her?


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> To be fair she did tell him he had got it for her.


Yeah, she told me about it as soon as she got in the car with me.


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

I think this would require a new thread... because it's a complete new parenthesis...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Marca1984 said:


> I'm sure his wife is not aware of him sharing their private life with others.
> His wife sometimes calls my wife to nag about him, nothing unusual, just about silly stuff with him.
> *And he always share with my wife his "fights" with his wife, and how she is overprotective, and jealous.*


Why would she be jealous?
He likely is instilling in her, that insecurity.

Friends or not.....
Many wives would be (worried) and jealous if their husbands are so close to their boss.

Ferrying around another woman's children is cause for worry.
However, that *is* part of his job.

Such, is this life.
The workings are rarely smooth.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I think he wants to bang your wife.

Men cannot be friends with attractive women without at least thinking about them in a sexual way. Anyone who denies this is lying to themselves.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Marca1984 said:


> Yeah, she told me about it as soon as she got in the car with me.


Ah, ladies like to do that...

By telling you this, she is poking you, putting you on alert.

_See what other men do for me?
You, (husband) should learn from them._

Umm.

Yes.


_King Brian-_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> To be fair she did tell him he had got it for her.


Her unwillingness to discuss his feelings about it and her own for that matter, don't bode well at all especially given everything else this man is doing for her.

Their culture is very conservative and this would be alarming even if it wasn't.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marca1984 said:


> He drives her on his way back home, when they go out of work, and because I drive my son to the basketball training, and watch him, and she meets me in the arena, when she gets out of work, and we then go pick our daughter up and then home.


I don't like any of their relationship in terms of it being a slippery slope toward an EA/PA. it's just too much. Guy friends are fine, but distance has to be maintained and this one looks like the distance has shrunk more than my boundaries would be comfortable with.

I'm not saying anything HAS happened but I would be in major observation mode here.
Her getting defensive is a real red flag that changes my opinion from "probably-innocent-but-too-much" to "suspicious".

His motives are clearly suspect. Assume he would take the shot if she opened the door.
Gently look for the open door, which includes those drives especially outside work. It looks to me like she is leaving some doors open for their relationship to increase. Bad sign.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it's way over the top to get her picture and have a special mug made. 

I'd also be upset at the other closeness with this guy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> yeah that is a trap.
> i worked really hard once for a female engineer that i inhereted as a direct report. She was making 2/3 what her male co workers were making for the same skills and responsibility.
> 
> After really sticking my neck out to get her a big raise, she kind of backstabbed me during some reorganization stuff.
> ...


No, I disagree.

Networking, socializing (schmoozing?) and manuerving will get you farther ahead at work, than merely doing a good job.


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Ah, ladies like to do that...
> 
> By telling you this, she is poking you, putting you on alert.
> 
> ...


I'm doing way more that just getting a mug, if she does not appreciate or notices everything i'm doing for her, the kids, our home,... then there is a serious issue going on here...


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> I would do this for my boss (not now, but as a general concept).
> 
> I have a skateboard deck I ordered for a guy I haven’t worked with in 10 years but he is an awesome guy and I was ordering one myself and saw one where I was like oh that guy needs to have this!
> 
> ...


they don't have lunch outside, they eat in the kitchen with other friends, and she always brings works home, you can say that we always have 2 nights per week, where my wife is working one her laptop, and me sitting next to her watching TV


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I think it's way over the top to get her picture and have a special mug made.
> 
> I'd also be upset at the other closeness with this guy.


Yes.

It could (only) be that clever and attentive work related maneuvering.

I see him trying to get as close to your wife as possible.
He knows which side of the bread gets the butter.

Why?

In the military, it is your direct supervisor that can do the most for you. 
His/her recommendation counts for a lot.

I see him carrying on that (learned) social hierarchy.
And, it is working out for him, is it not?

He is her loyal employee.
He is not his wife's loyal husband.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Grief!

Lots of mountains developing when there is not even a mole hill.

Ignore the negative speculators.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Have you asked your wife to attend marriage counseling with you to work on your communication? I think it would be a good idea. 

If your gut is screaming at you that something is wrong, then something is probably wrong. Trust your gut.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

hairyhead said:


> Grief!
> 
> Lots of mountains developing when there is not even a mole hill.
> 
> Ignore the negative speculators.


Said every rugsweeper in history.

Sorry, not meant to be an attack on you HH. I took this approach once and it had a horrible ending when the mountain fell on me.
I wouldn't ask OP to ignore negative comments, rather just discard them if not useful. Different viewpoints are always good to consider in my opinion.

My advice for OP is to have a finely tuned radar right now. There could be a mountain. Or not. But from my experience there's plenty of reason to be watchful and maybe adjust some boundaries.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Said every rugsweeper in history.
> 
> Sorry, not meant to be an attack on you HH. I took this approach once and it had a horrible ending when the mountain fell on me.
> I wouldn't ask OP to ignore negative comments, rather just discard them if not useful. Different viewpoints are always good to consider in my opinion.
> ...


Having managed several offices over the years with, at time, up to 100 people this behaviour is just typical of office life.

The vast, vast majority of times it means nothing, absolutely nothing. It's just people being people.

Getting overly suspicious and making accusations will do more harm than good.

That's the problem with TAM. It's frequented by hurt people who see shadows and guilt everywhere.

OP close this thread and go back to your life and don't listen to this bunch.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

hairyhead said:


> That's the problem with TAM. It's frequented by hurt people who see shadows and guilt everywhere.


TAM is also frequented by many people who wish they had found this place sooner, or glad they found it when they did. Because they were in the minority rather than the "vast, vast majority" you mentioned.

Your points are good though, negative, suspicious views are just one possibility.
There could absolutely be nothing to this at all.

It's up to OP to listen or not, and decide.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Marca1984 it is different from country to another and from one culture to another on what is appropriate. 
has your wife ever done anything in the past that made you that suspicious?
do you guys talk about other people during sex? like group sex, threesome etc...
may be you got your alarm raised because of what happen between you in the bedroom?

I honestly I don't see this as an appropriate since you know the guy and she immediately told you. if your wife had any feeling for him or he is flirting with her at work then believe when I say she would never have never mentioned the cup for you. 

about the guy - some people are extra nice and like to be popular and liked at work and outside (Kissing ass).


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

My instinct tells me that nothing has happened, but this, in my opinion, is a high risk situation.

Buys lunch (in my company it is policy that a subordinate never pays for meals).
Drives her, alone I presume, to basket ball and other places.
He shares intimate information about his marriage with your wife, that is how many EAs start.
It is an assumption, but if he is sharing his marital problems, odds are she is sharing hers, again that is how many EAs start.
You admit you do have some relationship issues with your wife.
His wife is jealous. Why is that? Is she just the jealous type or does he have a track record?
Very weird, in my opinion, to go get a pic of her and a new mug. And your wife was defensive when you questioned it.

I suspect he is just sucking up to her to since she controls finances, but she is allowing herself to be in a potentially compromising situation. They shouldn't be sharing marital issues, period. I also don't think it is appropriate for him to be driving her alone.

If it were me, sort out your marital issues, now. Insist on no more marital talk with him, she can end it even if it is only him doing the talking. She can just say I'm not comfortable talking about such an intimate topic with him. No more solo rides from work. And lastly, I would already have a mug ordered with a family photo on it.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I think the op isn't necessarily worried about the gift itself. I think he is worried this guy is trying to get closer and it leads to an emotional affair or physical affair. 

Being a guy, I know how we can think. I am not saying all guys are like this. But I can see his concern about him getting closer and trying to make a move.


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## BenWylder (Aug 2, 2021)

Marca1984 said:


> Hello All.
> I would like to share with you a little dilemma I faced yesterday
> 
> My wife is a financial controller in her company, and always has to deal with several male colleagues, one in particular, is the driver and the go-to-guy for payments at the banks, documents, governmental issues..., so naturally my wife has a lot of work with him, on daily basis.
> ...


Relax, it's a mug with her face on it, not a vibrator with his. It was a very nice and thoughtful thing for him to do.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Ask yourself this. If your wife offered to have sex with that man, think he'd do it? Of course he would! He's kind of being a beta orbiter just waiting for his chance to score.

First comes friendship, then emotional affair, then sex.

This needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.

One thing that is always important to do is make sure your wife knows exactly how you'd handle an EA or cheating. There's a lot of people who think their partners are weak and won't do anything.

You can work it into a conversation naturally. "Oh, did you hear Susan cheated on Bob? I can't believe it. Wow, if you ever cheated on me I'd change the locks and divorce you immediately."


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

hairyhead said:


> Having managed several offices over the years with, at time, up to 100 people this behaviour is just typical of office life.
> 
> The vast, vast majority of times it means nothing, absolutely nothing. It's just people being people.
> 
> ...


Having worked in many offices over the years, I can tell you the extra special mug order because someone broke a mug isn't the typical norm of office life. You only do that for someone EXTRA SPECIAL and being that extra special with a married co worker is of poor taste.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BenWylder said:


> Relax, it's a mug with her face on it, not a vibrator with his. It was a very nice and thoughtful thing for him to do.


Are you thinking he should wait until that occurs before asking questions?



thunderchad said:


> First comes friendship, then emotional affair, then sex.
> 
> This needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.


100% this.
Even if nothing has occurred, this looks high-risk as BigDaddyNY said. Uhg. I never typed "BigDaddy" before and I don't think I'll do it again


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’d bet ol’ Mr. Mug gifter hasn’t done anything nice for the janitor lady that sweeps/empties his trash every night. 🤔 

Who’d want a tacky mug with their own photo on it? Sounds like something you’d see on Michael’s desk at Dundler Mifflin- 😆.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> I’d bet ol’ Mr. Mug gifter hasn’t done anything nice for the janitor lady that sweeps/empties his trash every night. 🤔
> 
> Who’d want a tacky mug with their own photo on it? Sounds like something you’d see on Michael’s desk at Dundler Mifflin- 😆.


It is tacky IMO. I really think he is just a total kiss ass to the person that holds the purse strings. That said, I still wouldn't be comfortable with this situation if I were in the OP's shoes.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Marca1984 said:


> *Maybe my inner gut is telling me things*, since lately, I've been having several arguments with my wife about relationship, so all have been mixing up in my head, and whenver i confront her, she turns defensive and ends up crying, which is really bothering me, i don't want her to feel sad, or feel that i don't trust her, maybe because i love so much, that I'm having all these negative thoughts


Never doubt your gut. To me it sounds like this is in early stages, but there is no doubt that this man thinks very highly of your wife. It sounds like he picks her up and drives her often, they eat together often, etc.... that level of close contact lends itself toward being comfortable with each other, socially. This is well beyond a typical co-worker situation.

You are in a hard spot, because SHE needs to do the right thing here, not you. If you act jealous and start putting down ultimatums, that might just make him look better to her. I would stay quiet for a little while on the topic and be very vigilant. Mouth shut, eyes open.

Confronting her without solid proof of inappropriate behavior never works out well. Watch closely and work on upping your man game.

Maybe a good move would be to have the families over for another dinner. When you have just his ear for just a moment, relate a little story about what you would do to someone that touched your wife. You could also bring up the custom mug with his wife, and how 'nice it was of him', just so she is aware.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> So he talks about his personal life with his wife?
> 
> How does his wife feel about that?
> 
> My radar is going off here. I think an emotional affair at least is going on or developing.


Maybe maybe not. I always ask my employees how they are doing both male and female. I always ask about spouses,kids,etc. And, yes, I sometimes buy small token gifts for all my employees both male and female. That part is a non-event.

However, I never talk to them about my personal life. TMI. That is where the rub is, not the gift, IMHO.

I would flat out ask her why he feels so damn comfortable talking about his personal life. Tell her that is a line you are not comfortable with.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Maybe maybe not. I always ask my employees how they are doing both male and female. I always ask about spouses,kids,etc. And, yes, I sometimes buy small token gifts for all my employees both male and female. That part is a non-event.
> 
> However, I never talk to them about my personal life. TMI. That is where the rub is, not the gift, IMHO.


Yes, while she acknowledges that the OM shares his personal struggles with his wife, is there any doubt that she isn't doing the same back to him... complaining about OP to OM. I can guarantee this is happening, and is very dangerous / damaging to OP's marriage.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Remember little things lead to bigger things in situations such as this. If I had found this site a year prior to my DDay, Dday would never have happened.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is tacky IMO. I really think he is just a total kiss ass to the person that holds the purse strings. That said, I still wouldn't be comfortable with this situation if I were in the OP's shoes.


Yeah, most men would be PO’d over some dude giving a gift to their wife. Sure it’s only a mug… but she’s putting her lips on that mug 😆 .


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

hairyhead said:


> Grief!
> 
> Lots of mountains developing when there is not even a mole hill.
> 
> Ignore the negative speculators.


What, no good placed before your Grief?

Yee yuck, nope, no good.

...........................................

On TAM, speculation sometimes does lead to illicit discovery.


It only warrants more inconspicuous oversight.

_Marca 1984,_ I recommend saying no more on this subject. 
Keep your eyes open, no more.

Your wife knows, now, that the driver is an issue.

She is happy with the man, and will resist losing him as a useful employee.

I believe most here would hate for this driver to lose his job, over his, merely being too 'chummy' with his boss.

Eres espanol?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Marcia,

You wrote, *And he always share with my wife his "fights" with his wife, and how she is overprotective, and jealous.*

Entirely inappropriate and as this is how many affairs start.

Classic OM move, speak about your marriage to someone in an intimate way in the hopes of making the listener feel special and privileged and sympathetic. Build himself up as a decent person who is a victim.

Your W is 15 years younger than him, major risk factor, he knows he has to play a long game which he is.

If it were me I would bust the mug on his mug. Stand your ground.

He is not a family friend.


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## recovering2018 (Sep 9, 2021)

The mug is a symptom. By itself, I wouldn't be upset.

But your wife, in her management position, has an unprofessional relationship with an employee. I always kept things formal and professional in the workplace with members of the opposite sex to avoid any whiff of impropriety. I was still friendly, would eat lunch with them in the lunch room, but generally avoid any one-on-one personal discussions other than the generic "get well, feel better" type stuff.

She needs better boundaries.


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

Guys, update on the situation. 
My wife politely had a talk with this guy, and explained to him that the gift is somewhat inappropriate, because other associates would begin to question and gossip, he apologized saying that these were never his intentions, and that it was an innocent gesture with all the good intentions. so my wife paid him the money he spent for that mug, and told him that she wanted to make that mug, and would not accept any gift for no reason.
And she made it clear to him, that she helping him, is part of her job, so no need to thank her.
He totally understood the message.
Bty, i never asked her to do this


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marca1984 said:


> Guys, update on the situation.
> My wife politely had a talk with this guy, and explained to him that the gift is somewhat inappropriate, because other associates would begin to question and gossip, he apologized saying that these were never his intentions, and that it was an innocent gesture with all the good intentions. so my wife paid him the money he spent for that mug, and told him that she wanted to make that mug, and would not accept any gift for no reason.
> And she made it clear to him, that she helping him, is part of her job, so no need to thank her.
> He totally understood the message.
> Bty, i never asked her to do this


This sounds like a really positive update, I'm glad to hear it. So maybe all the 'red flags' were really nothing.

I am curious how you know this info. Was she at home on the phone and you listened or did she talk to him face to face at work and relay it to you, or maybe when you were all together or something else?

I ask because if she had this conversation with him in front of you it would mean something positive about her awareness of the gravity of the situation and respect for you. This would be my preference of course.

Now my advice remains the same, watch carefully. Words are important but actions tell the tale.
At least there's not such a could of doubt hanging over your head and hopefully you can put this mess behind you soon.


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

She had the talk at work, when she was handing him some documents and cash. Once done, she called me and informed me


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Marcia,
> 
> You wrote, *And he always share with my wife his "fights" with his wife, and how she is overprotective, and jealous.*
> 
> ...


You hit the nail on the head here. I mean, what sort of douche complains to his female boss about his wife? A little concerned if Marca’s wife is buying into it. Many wives would probably sympathize with this douche’s wife and think “that poor woman” because he’s out wrecking _her_ reputation.

A little concerning if Marca’s wife is sympathetic to him… 🤔


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Marca1984 said:


> Guys, update on the situation.
> My wife politely had a talk with this guy, and explained to him that the gift is somewhat inappropriate, because other associates would begin to question and gossip, he apologized saying that these were never his intentions, and that it was an innocent gesture with all the good intentions. so my wife paid him the money he spent for that mug, and told him that she wanted to make that mug, and would not accept any gift for no reason.
> And she made it clear to him, that she helping him, is part of her job, so no need to thank her.
> He totally understood the message.
> Bty, i never asked her to do this


She did the appropriate thing. Good for her and you. I would bet your wife saw through his BS.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Marca1984 said:


> Hello All.
> I would like to share with you a little dilemma I faced yesterday
> 
> My wife is a financial controller in her company, and always has to deal with several male colleagues, one in particular, is the driver and the go-to-guy for payments at the banks, documents, governmental issues..., so naturally my wife has a lot of work with him, on daily basis.
> ...


Yeah, keep and eye on it, sounds like he likes her. Does she acknowledge this? The buying lunch and the mug together seem a little bit much.

If it was me I would say this. "Yeah, this guys has designs. I would appreciate it if you shut that down."

Then I would let it go.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Marca1984 said:


> Guys, update on the situation.
> My wife politely had a talk with this guy, and explained to him that the gift is somewhat inappropriate, because other associates would begin to question and gossip, he apologized saying that these were never his intentions, and that it was an innocent gesture with all the good intentions. so my wife paid him the money he spent for that mug, and told him that she wanted to make that mug, and would not accept any gift for no reason.
> And she made it clear to him, that she helping him, is part of her job, so no need to thank her.
> He totally understood the message.
> Bty, i never asked her to do this


This is a very good sign, you married well. If it was me I would do something to bring her close to you, like take her out on a date. I think when your spouse does something to acknowledge to the world that you are her priority you need to honer them for it and this builds the bond and strengthens the desire to continue to do those things.


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> This is a very good sign, you married well. If it was me I would do something to bring her close to you, like take her out on a date. I think when your spouse does something to acknowledge to the world that you are her priority you need to honer them for it and this builds the bond and strengthens the desire to continue to do those things.


This is what I'm doing. I'm surprising her tomorrow for a weekend getaway in a snow resort, as an early valentine. She suspects we are going out, especially that the kids will be staying at my mum's for the weekend 😊. But she has no clue where we will be going...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is tacky IMO. I really think he is just a total kiss ass to the person that holds the purse strings. That said, I still wouldn't be comfortable with this situation if I were in the OP's shoes.


you are rare.
in my opion, MOST managers demand their asses to be kissed at big companies. They totally expect it, and are shocked, then hurt if you do NOT do it.


and i see OPs wife understands that this was a somewhat inappropriate gift, and told the office troll to buzz off.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

S


Marca1984 said:


> Guys, update on the situation.
> My wife politely had a talk with this guy, and explained to him that the gift is somewhat inappropriate, because other associates would begin to question and gossip, he apologized saying that these were never his intentions, and that it was an innocent gesture with all the good intentions. so my wife paid him the money he spent for that mug, and told him that she wanted to make that mug, and would not accept any gift for no reason.
> And she made it clear to him, that she helping him, is part of her job, so no need to thank her.
> He totally understood the message.
> Bty, i never asked her to do this


She knew what he was trying to accomplish. Some women see through the BS...sadly mine did not.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marca1984 said:


> Guys, update on the situation.
> My wife politely had a talk with this guy, and explained to him that the gift is somewhat inappropriate, because other associates would begin to question and gossip, he apologized saying that these were never his intentions, and that it was an innocent gesture with all the good intentions. so my wife paid him the money he spent for that mug, and told him that she wanted to make that mug, and would not accept any gift for no reason.
> And she made it clear to him, that she helping him, is part of her job, so no need to thank her.
> He totally understood the message.
> Bty, i never asked her to do this


Now that's a healthy response. Go Mrs. Marca!


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Saw your update. I think your wife did the right thing in order to make him realize that the appearance of the mug situation may cause gossip. 
I’ve worked in offices as small as 4 people up to 30 people (insurance offices). This mug thing would not have been seen as inappropriate or unusual in any of those offices. However, if something makes YOU uncomfortable, you should always let your wife know, but keep it non-accusatory.
I agree with other posters that him telling her very private info about his marriage problems is the real inappropriate issue. You say they eat lunch together in lunch room. So other people could possibly hear what they are discussing. Inappropriate for him to tell her these things and really bad if other co-workers over hear it.
Good luck with the surprise you have planned.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

It's a coffee mug. It's fine. Carry on;


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Marca1984 said:


> This is what I'm doing. I'm surprising her tomorrow for a weekend getaway in a snow resort, as an early valentine. She suspects we are going out, especially that the kids will be staying at my mum's for the weekend 😊. But she has no clue where we will be going...


Good man. If it were me I would make sure how much I appreciate her protecting your marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> S
> 
> She knew what he was trying to accomplish. Some women see through the BS...sadly mine did not.


Nah they all know. Just some enjoy it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Good man. If it were me I would make sure how much I appreciate her protecting your marriage.


Although she saw through his BS. It would be good to acknowledge her wisdom in dealing with this clown.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Nah they all know. Just some enjoy it.


absolutely.

ALL women (who are not nuns) LOVE attention. especially sly seductive type of attention.

the key for us married guys is to make sure that WE ARE THE ONES seducing them that way. 
Marriage is hard work. if you want it to succeed, you can not sit on your butt and watch South Park reruns...you have to romance your wife....pretty much all the time


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

This was a big to do about nothing. The reason your wife was getting mad at you about it is because even by being the least bit worried about it you are discounting her trustworthiness and good sense. As if she doesn't have the brains to handle the situation should it elevate to something inappropriate. So if you didn't understand why she was mad before, I hope you do now. It's insulting to act like she's not competent.

You took your insecurity and made it her problem.


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## recovering2018 (Sep 9, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This was a big to do about nothing. The reason your wife was getting mad at you about it is because even by being the least bit worried about it you are discounting her trustworthiness and good sense. As if she doesn't have the brains to handle the situation should it elevate to something inappropriate. So if you didn't understand why she was mad before, I hope you do now. It's insulting to act like she's not competent.
> 
> You took your insecurity and made it her problem.


I'm going to disagree here. If I were sitting at my desk and an employee started complaining to me about her marital problems, I would've stopped the conversation immediately. Something like, "I'm sorry for your troubles but I can't have this conversation with you. Perhaps you should see xxx in human resources to see if they can help you find a counseling referral through our health care plan."

It's great that his wife eventually shut this down, but it's far better to draw the line asap.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

recovering2018 said:


> I'm going to disagree here. If I were sitting at my desk and an employee started complaining to me about her marital problems, I would've stopped the conversation immediately. Something like, "I'm sorry for your troubles but I can't have this conversation with you. Perhaps you should see xxx in human resources to see if they can help you find a counseling referral through our health care plan."
> 
> It's great that his wife eventually shut this down, but it's far better to draw the line asap.


Maybe she has more empathy than you or wants to build good relationships with her employees.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Thanks for seeing this through with the forum. We are all big fans of good outcomes.

Many men here, including myself, have been on the negative outcomes side of situations that may appear as seemingly harmless as yours. It is heart warming to read that your wife quite obviously values and respects your marriage. Continue fostering that dynamic.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think it's easy for people who work together to eventually develop a relationship at work that is a bit too intimate. You see them for hours a day sometimes, forced interactions, etc. I do think the wife and her co-worker had started down a path that leads to infidelity but it looks like the wife stopped things from progressing any further. This is good! I hope she keeps this guy at a respectful distance from now on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> absolutely.
> 
> ALL women (who are not nuns) LOVE attention. especially sly seductive type of attention.
> 
> ...


ALL people, love flattery.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello Marca,
So here are my thoughts on this:

Most grooming starts this way - as "friendship". Then lines start being crossed. You are wise to at least be alert and aware. The lines crossed here:

Paying special attention to her over anyone else.
Discussing his personal life (especially about his wife without his wife knowing it) with her.
Being "her driver" puts her in a position of owing him something.
Personalised mug.
And then protesting innocence when called out on it.

No doubt at all that he was trying to get closer. Now I am guessing that you are a 38 year old young man from what used to be one my favourite countries in the world with some very good cuisine and very attractive people. Had it been my generation there, this manyouk would not have the balls to try this. He is dealing with a much more advanced and metropolitan generation with you here (and that is not a bad thing). Still, I am glad you called it out and your wife understood (or at least I hope she understood).

Take care my friend and stay alert - you are the defender of your family.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Marca1984 said:


> Guys, update on the situation.
> My wife politely had a talk with this guy, and explained to him that the gift is somewhat inappropriate, because other associates would begin to question and gossip, he apologized saying that these were never his intentions, and that it was an innocent gesture with all the good intentions. so my wife paid him the money he spent for that mug, and told him that she wanted to make that mug, and would not accept any gift for no reason.
> And she made it clear to him, that she helping him, is part of her job, so no need to thank her.
> He totally understood the message.
> Bty, i never asked her to do this


That is really good that she told you about the mug in the first place, had this talk with him, and then told you about the talk. 

Of course he would say what he said, whether he was up to no good or not.

I'd still keep an eye on him....


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

recovering2018 said:


> I'm going to disagree here. If I were sitting at my desk and an employee started complaining to me about her marital problems, I would've stopped the conversation immediately. Something like, "I'm sorry for your troubles but I can't have this conversation with you. Perhaps you should see xxx in human resources to see if they can help you find a counseling referral through our health care plan."
> 
> It's great that his wife eventually shut this down, but it's far better to draw the line asap.


These types of conversations can be like 10 minutes away from a sexual harassment lawsuit -- and yeah, it happens.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> you are rare.
> in my opion, MOST managers demand their asses to be kissed at big companies. They totally expect it, and are shocked, then hurt if you do NOT do it.
> 
> 
> and i see OPs wife understands that this was a somewhat inappropriate gift, and told the office troll to buzz off.


I manage a very large organization and I absolutely hate suck-ups.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This was a big to do about nothing. The reason your wife was getting mad at you about it is because even by being the least bit worried about it you are discounting her trustworthiness and good sense. As if she doesn't have the brains to handle the situation should it elevate to something inappropriate. So if you didn't understand why she was mad before, I hope you do now. It's insulting to act like she's not competent.
> 
> You took your insecurity and made it her problem.


Mrs. C has never put me secondary and has never been anything but trustworthy.

There was one guy that I wasn't comfortable with though that was good friends with her at the Y.

I talked with her about my feelings, though I did acknowledge that she wasn't doing anything wrong, and she put some distance between her and that guy.

There was a lot more going on in this situation.

The guy was complaining about his personal life with his wife, to the OP's wife and that is a red flag.

Putting everything together, the guy is out of line.

He needs to keep his private life, with his wife, private and quit trying to use OP's wife for a therapist.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

ConanHub said:


> Mrs. C has never put me secondary and has never been anything but trustworthy.
> 
> There was one guy that I wasn't comfortable with though that was good friends with her at the Y.
> 
> ...


@ConanHub's example also illustrates exactly what a healthy dynamic looks like. I have no issues whatsoever with men who are practicing situational awareness and mate guarding. Practiced appropriately, it demonstrates to your wife that you value her and what you have built, without indicating distrust, jealousy, or needy behavior. I think the OP demonstrated that his 'radar' in that regard is relatively well aligned. He was paying attention. His gut told him something was off, and he addressed it. Even in his posts, he never automatically presumed that his spouse was up to no good. Where this exact same scenario goes sideways would be if his wife minimized, ignored or belittled his concerns and started the gaslight parade of; "we're just friends." "You are completely overreacting." "I would never do something like that to you." etc. all while continuing to foster a burgeoning emotional affair, and starting the downward spiral of convincing herself of all the ways her spouse is inadequate, and the affair partner will make all of her hopes and dreams come true. We know that story all too well.

I'm thrilled this worked out the way it did, and I always appreciate reading about healthy, beneficial, and reaffirming circumstances that foster a relationship. Wish the pages of the forum were filled with a lot more of that, rather than the not at all hypothetical example above.

I'm by no means an alarmist. I'm a realist. And I know just how pitifully thin at times the line between positive and reaffirming, and duplicitous and destructive can be. Being vigilant isn't being paranoid. It is another demonstration of how you value your partner and the relationship. And if your partner isn't aligned with you in _that_, then you have some things to address.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Mrs. C has never put me secondary and has never been anything but trustworthy.
> 
> There was one guy that I wasn't comfortable with though that was good friends with her at the Y.
> 
> ...


Good Lord, I knew everybody's personal life every place I ever worked and none of it meant they were trying to get in my pants. The boss at my morning job used to have me type personal stuff like applications to get his daughter into a certain school. I knew quite a bit about his divorce. Every place I've worked, people talk to me about their personal stuff and it didn't mean anything like that. 
People make friends in the workplace. Geez I mean this one woman I worked for used to talk to me about how long her 14-year-old stayed in the shower. 

There's a lot of insecurity here. And it's just insulting to act like his wife is incapable of handling her own stuff at work if something does get awkward, and I think he should know that if she's mad about this as he said she was, that's because it's an insult to her integrity and intelligence. I would not expect this upcoming trip to be a second honeymoon. 

They've had this guy over and have a friendship with him and his family. You think if she was screwing around with him or about to, that would have ever happened?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Good Lord, I knew everybody's personal life every place I ever worked and none of it meant they were trying to get in my pants. The boss at my morning job used to have me type personal stuff like applications to get his daughter into a certain school. I knew quite a bit about his divorce. Every place I've worked, people talk to me about their personal stuff and it didn't mean anything like that.
> People make friends in the workplace. Geez I mean this one woman I worked for used to talk to me about how long her 14-year-old stayed in the shower.
> 
> There's a lot of insecurity here. And it's just insulting to act like his wife is incapable of handling her own stuff at work if something does get awkward, and I think he should know that if she's mad about this as he said she was, that's because it's an insult to her integrity and intelligence. I would not expect this upcoming trip to be a second honeymoon.
> ...


It did get awkward in this case and she did handle it, without OP prodding her to do so. Even she thought it was inappropriate, so obviously it was, right? At least in her opinion. Everyone here was just answering the OP's concerns and how they thought it should play out, what is and isn't appropriate. The wife did exactly what everyone here was saying she should do. 

You have to be kidding about your last question, lol. I can't count the number of infidelity stories on here where the POSOM/POSOW was a "friend" and regularly socialized with the couple? 

I'm not sure what kind of workplaces you been in, but for me, other than while I was in the Army, no one talks about their intimate personal lives. Maybe hobbies or something like that, but I've never had a guy complain about his wife and of the few females that I've worked with or worked for me they too never mentioned their relationships. It isn't professional. The Army was another story. There were a fair number of females in the C&E shop I worked in. Every single time a woman started complaining to one of the male soldiers about their BF it lead to an affair or relationship. I really mean every time. It got to a point where some of us would see/hear these conversations and we would place bets on how long till they were together.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It did get awkward in this case and she did handle it, without OP prodding her to do so. Even she thought it was inappropriate, so obviously it was, right? At least in her opinion. Everyone here was just answering the OP's concerns and how they thought it should play out, what is and isn't appropriate. The wife did exactly what everyone here was saying she should do.
> 
> You have to be kidding about your last question, lol. I can't count the number of infidelity stories on here where the POSOM/POSOW was a "friend" and regularly socialized with the couple?
> 
> I'm not sure what kind of workplaces you been in, but for me, other than while I was in the Army, no one talks about their intimate personal lives. Maybe hobbies or something like that, but I've never had a guy complain about his wife and of the few females that I've worked with or worked for me they too never mentioned their relationships. It isn't professional. The Army was another story. There were a fair number of females in the C&E shop I worked in. Every single time a woman started complaining to one of the male soldiers about their BF it lead to an affair or relationship. I really mean every time. It got to a point where some of us would see/hear these conversations and we would place bets on how long till they were together.


I didn't get that from the story. I got that he had already confronted her about it and she was not happy about it. I've worked in a wide variety of workplaces.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I didn't get that from the story. I got that he had already confronted her about it and she was not happy about it. I've worked in a wide variety of workplaces.


In the OP he said the personalized gift made him feel uncomfortable and told his wife he didn't think it was appropriate to accept such a personal gift. So yes, he did say something about it, but that was all he said. Beyond that he has only said he was worried if he was overreacting and overthinking. He did say there were other issues they were dealing with, but never that she was upset about him not liking her getting the gift. It appear she agreed with him in the end. 

I really think the guy is just a super suck-up. You don't think it is a bit weird that he got a picture of her and had a new mug made with it? That goes a bit beyond a relationship between coworkers, at least to me. I think it is the male female thing for me. It would be one thing for a girlfriend to get it for her, but a male that is also your subordinate, that seems inappropriate.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> In the OP he said the personalized gift made him feel uncomfortable and told his wife he didn't think it was appropriate to accept such a personal gift. So yes, he did say something about it, but that was all he said. Beyond that he has only said he was worried if he was overreacting and overthinking. He did say there were other issues they were dealing with, but never that she was upset about him not liking her getting the gift. It appear she agreed with him in the end.
> 
> I really think the guy is just a super suck-up. You don't think it is a bit weird that he got a picture of her and had a new mug made with it? That goes a bit beyond a relationship between coworkers, at least to me. I think it is the male female thing for me. It would be one thing for a girlfriend to get it for her, but a male that is also your subordinate, that seems inappropriate.


I think the suck up part might be right. I think anything on a mug that isn't a penis is probably harmless! They have had him and his family to dinner several times. They know each other well. He says he has no friends and the only friends he has is her friends. There's nothing wrong with people having friends.

She did what she did to placate him. I know all you guys think that's just great, but I think it's a terrible distrust have to live under.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think the suck up part might be right. I think anything on a mug that isn't a penis is probably harmless! They have had him and his family to dinner several times. They know each other well. He says he has no friends and the only friends he has is her friends. There's nothing wrong with people having friends.
> 
> She did what she did to placate him. I know all you guys think that's just great, but I think it's a terrible distrust have to live under.


Wasn't there a post here about a woman getting a mug or something else with a penis on it, lol?

Do you think a husband expressing that he isn't comfortable with an interaction between his wife and another man is really that bad or wrong? It would be one thing if it were going on all the time, but this seems like a one off event, unless we aren't getting the whole story from the OP.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You don't think it is a bit weird that he got a picture of her and had a new mug made with it? That goes a bit beyond a relationship between coworkers, at least to me.


that IS a tad creepy...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Wasn't there a post here about a woman getting a mug or something else with a penis on it, lol?
> 
> Do you think a husband expressing that he isn't comfortable with an interaction between his wife and another man is really that bad or wrong? It would be one thing if it were going on all the time, but this seems like a one off event, unless we aren't getting the whole story from the OP.


Don't know.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think the suck up part might be right. I think anything on a mug that isn't a penis is probably harmless! They have had him and his family to dinner several times. They know each other well. He says he has no friends and the only friends he has is her friends. There's nothing wrong with people having friends.
> 
> She did what she did to placate him. I know all you guys think that's just great, but I think it's a terrible distrust have to live under.


Yes, this would have definitely been the first time two coworkers ended up in an EA or PA when their families got together for dinner several times. 

You don't know why she did what she did. It may very well have been she realized what he did was inappropriate, even though the OP had to point it out. 

Your examples of personal lives being shared with you are different than talking about one's marriage with their spouse. Again, we don't have details of what was shared by the coworker.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Nothing to worry about. But if you want to get her another mug with family picture and/or whoever instead of just her picture, do so, and she will have a more true replacement.


Get her a new mug with YOUR picture on it, naked, with a raging hard-on. Using Photoshop is perfectly fine here.



Marca1984 said:


> ...he tells her her most of his personal stuff with his wife. He feels so relaxed when he talks to her


Now THAT you should be concerned about.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I’m very happy to read your update. The issue was not just the cup. It is him sharing intimate info about his wife. Those conversations are often used to get the woman to join in and complain about her husband, which then allow the man to use the mirror technique combined with making himself into opposite of the thing the woman is complaining about. We recently had Cici’s thread , where the OM obviously used that technique to get his long time obsesión into bed. 

Then we have the amount of time they spend together with lunches and him driving your wife around. That is lot of potential quality time. Do not think that because he’s older and is a subordinate, that your wife won’t find him attractive. InsY for you to be observant and to also ip your game. Make sure that you’re putting in the effort to make her feel loved, so she’s less likely to be vulnerable to interlopers.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Marca1984 said:


> Should I be concerned? I
> 
> Am I overreacting?


It was not a random gift. He replaced something that broke. This wasn't out of the blue. It was kind. Maybe, a tad personal but it reads like his heart in in the right place. 

No you should not be concerned. Yes you are overreacting. My answers are even more so that you have nothing to worry about & are overreacting because your wife handled the work situation in a way that made her comfortable & kept things equitable among the co-workers. She has excellent boundaries. Be grateful for that. Treat her like the trustworthy, level headed adult she is.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Good Lord, I knew everybody's personal life every place I ever worked and none of it meant they were trying to get in my pants. The boss at my morning job used to have me type personal stuff like applications to get his daughter into a certain school. I knew quite a bit about his divorce. Every place I've worked, people talk to me about their personal stuff and it didn't mean anything like that.
> People make friends in the workplace. Geez I mean this one woman I worked for used to talk to me about how long her 14-year-old stayed in the shower.
> 
> There's a lot of insecurity here. And it's just insulting to act like his wife is incapable of handling her own stuff at work if something does get awkward, and I think he should know that if she's mad about this as he said she was, that's because it's an insult to her integrity and intelligence. I would not expect this upcoming trip to be a second honeymoon.
> ...


I have to say DBTR, I BET there were a lot of guys who DID want into your pants, you just didn't realize it and they never pushed it. I DO BET that they thought of it though.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Uhg. I never typed "BigDaddy" before and I don't think I'll do it again


@BeyondRepair007 next time use Copy & Paste, it's more sanitary...



CatholicDad said:


> Yeah, most men would be PO’d over some dude giving a gift to their wife. Sure it’s only a mug… but she’s putting her lips on that mug 😆 .


And you _know_ he tea-bagged that mug.



Marca1984 said:


> Guys, update on the situation.
> My wife politely had a talk with this guy, and explained to him that the gift is somewhat inappropriate, because other associates would begin to question and gossip, he apologized saying that these were never his intentions, and that it was an innocent gesture with all the good intentions. so my wife paid him the money he spent for that mug, and told him that she wanted to make that mug, and would not accept any gift for no reason.
> And she made it clear to him, that she helping him, is part of her job, so no need to thank her.
> He totally understood the message.
> Bty, i never asked her to do this


You kind of DID ask her to do this when you asked her how she would feel if the roles were reversed.



Marca1984 said:


> She had the talk at work, when she was handing him some documents and cash. Once done, she called me and informed me


Now why would she call you and tell you about it? Why not wait until she got home?

It sounds like this is a bigger issue between you & the missus than you are letting on.



Enigma32 said:


> I think it's easy for people who work together to eventually develop a relationship at work that is a bit too intimate. You see them for hours a day sometimes, forced interactions, etc. I do think the wife and her co-worker had started down a path that leads to infidelity but it looks like the wife stopped things from progressing any further. This is good! I hope she keeps this guy at a respectful distance from now on.


Yeah, it sucks spending more time with co-workers than your family.

@Marca1984 indulge me, please.

1. How does your wife get to work? Why isn't she driving herself to basketball practice?

2. Is your wife the bread winner in your household?

3. What transpired that made her have the "polite talk" with the driver? Honestly, this should have happened from the get-go. Was there a ****-storm of a fight, after the conversation in the bedroom, that got her thinking? Or was there talk at work?

4. Is the driver a 'lackey'? Making deposits at the bank, picking up forms from the government, that sort of thing?

5. Do you feel like you're the third wheel in this relationship? Like the three of you are a triangle, but you are on the looooong sides, further from the other two?

6. Would you say the driver and his wife are good family friends with you & your missus? Six times getting together...it doesn't really sound like a close relationship.

I think you should definitely get a family mug for her desk, then put his mug on her desk, sit in her chair, and _be the cat!_









As for the Valentine's Day sooprise, I think it's a little too beta. Makes you seem a little weak in my opinion.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

Personally, I think it’s sad that you’re even asking. Can a man not even be nice to a woman without everyone getting suspicious??


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Skookaroo said:


> Personally, I think it’s sad that you’re even asking. Can a man not even be nice to a woman without everyone getting suspicious??


I will admit that there are a lot of guys out there who are genuinely just being nice. They have no interest in starting an affair of any kind. They might not even find the lady attractive, but that doesn't mean they aren't friendly. 

But there are a lot of guys with that predator instict who just want some action. They see a lady who might be going through a rough situation. They come in with that smile and sweet talk and catch her in a vulnerable state to which they take advantage of. 

I am one of those guys who is just nice. I once helped a female coworker with a broken fan belt in the parking lot. She insisted on taking me to lunch the next day, there was no flirting. Just a promise we wouldn't rat each other out over having a beer during lunch lol.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Marca1984 said:


> Hello All.
> I would like to share with you a little dilemma I faced yesterday
> 
> My wife is a financial controller in her company, and always has to deal with several male colleagues, one in particular, is the driver and the go-to-guy for payments at the banks, documents, governmental issues..., so naturally my wife has a lot of work with him, on daily basis.
> ...


No return gift, or toss it. She needed stronger boundaries. He's a hunter, she's ready for hyperglycemia get your love life with her up to game. Get your game on to romance her.
Get your life interesting so she stays into you.
Get your money and house in order in case of chance of affair, divorce, and get both your financial life protected. Det red pill educated.
Plus shoe up to work and sternly tell man to leave her alone If he persists. Scare him, do not touch him.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Skookaroo said:


> Personally, I think it’s sad that you’re even asking. Can a man not even be nice to a woman without everyone getting suspicious??


NO NO NO if we're most alphas, even betas boxes are open 24/7. A woman will jump on a 200% alpha when time of ovulation is highest. If she can get away with it, she will unless she has too much to lose getting caught.


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## sugarshack64 (11 mo ago)

Marca1984 said:


> Hello All.
> I would like to share with you a little dilemma I faced yesterday
> 
> My wife is a financial controller in her company, and always has to deal with several male colleagues, one in particular, is the driver and the go-to-guy for payments at the banks, documents, governmental issues..., so naturally my wife has a lot of work with him, on daily basis.
> ...


I definitely get where you are coming from.
I would file it away in the “ keep it in the back of my mind drawer” . Only to see if something else comes up or a pattern develops,
I would not blame your wife or talk to her about anymore.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Skookaroo said:


> Personally, I think it’s sad that you’re even asking. Can a man not even be nice to a woman without everyone getting suspicious??


NOt here it seems


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> NOt here it seems


It depends on the context/situation. I know I would feel really weird if a female subordinate gave me a mug with my picture on it. I would assume she either has romantic intentions, is a kiss ass or just plain strange.

Also, in this case it was a mug with just her and the one that broke had her son on it with her. I mean who has a mug with just thier own pic on it? That is weird itself. I am positive there was an ulterior motive in this case.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I manage a very large organization and I absolutely hate suck-ups.


Better said...

You hate, those clumsy, obvious suck-ups.

We need to get on well with others, at work.

Getting on, need not be clinging on, for dear life.

Some sycophants do visibly slobber.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Maybe she has more empathy than you or wants to build good relationships with her employees.


Still inappropriate.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Good Lord, I knew everybody's personal life every place I ever worked and none of it meant they were trying to get in my pants. The boss at my morning job used to have me type personal stuff like applications to get his daughter into a certain school. I knew quite a bit about his divorce. Every place I've worked, people talk to me about their personal stuff and it didn't mean anything like that.
> People make friends in the workplace. Geez I mean this one woman I worked for used to talk to me about how long her 14-year-old stayed in the shower.
> 
> There's a lot of insecurity here. And it's just insulting to act like his wife is incapable of handling her own stuff at work if something does get awkward, and I think he should know that if she's mad about this as he said she was, that's because it's an insult to her integrity and intelligence. I would not expect this upcoming trip to be a second honeymoon.
> ...



I do not think they are screwing around. And who knows what his wife is capable of handling or not handling. However, I do believe that the "friend of the family" crossed some boundaries here. How many MEN at your work discuss their marital relationships with women who work there and then proceed to buy them personalised gifts?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Skookaroo said:


> Personally, I think it’s sad that you’re even asking. Can a man not even be nice to a woman without everyone getting suspicious??


The short answer is NO. The longer answer would start with where would you draw the line? Lets suppose a man gives a woman a ride into work every day as a favour. He then befriends the family and comes over with his wife and kids. He then starts discussing all the problems he has with his wife with only the WOMAN not her husband and does not let his own wife know that he is discussing her with this woman. He then buys some gift not as a token but one that he has put thought into i.e. he is thinking of her. She starts to like what he is doing because he appears to be kind. Things progress and he gets freer with his comments to her and discusses his sex life with his wife or lack of. He then moves on to discussing sex in general and what he likes but also enquiring what she likes in sex.

OK I'll pause here and ask .... so far is this all still OK? Is it just a married man being nice to a married woman? Have no boundaries been crossed yet? So where should the boundaries be?

Now I will also add what is commonly referred to here as the collective wisdom of TAM (the forum). So throw in all the experience we have gained by seeing this umpteen times before and you may understand why the husband was right to be suspicious!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> I do not think they are screwing around. And who knows what his wife is capable of handling or not handling. However, I do believe that the "friend of the family" crossed some boundaries here. How many MEN at your work discuss their marital relationships with women who work there and then proceed to buy them personalised gifts?


You mean how many employees who had become close enough personal friends to bring their family over for dinner would give their boss a coffee mug? 

You'd have to be pretty tightly wound for that to bother you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You mean how many employees who had become close enough personal friends *WITH THE WIFE TO DISCUSS HIS MARITAL PROBLEMS WITH ONLY HER BUT NOT TELL HIS WIFE THAT HE IS DISCUSSING HER SHORTCOMINGS WITH HIS FEMALE WORK COLLEAGUE*, *AND NOT SHARE ANY OF THIS WITH HER HUSBAND WHO HE ALSO CONSIDERS TO BE A FRIEND,* and to then bring their family over for dinner would give their boss a *PERSONALISED* coffee mug *WITH HER PICTURE ON IT*?
> 
> You'd have to be pretty tightly wound for that to bother you.


Corrected your above statement for you (you seem to be good at missing out relevant important facts!
Then I guess I must be pretty tightly wound! I happen to think you are particularly unwound!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Better said...
> 
> You hate, those clumsy, obvious suck-ups.
> 
> ...


Yep I work with someone in particular whose voice reminds of the sceen in Jaws where Robert Shaw drags his nails across the blackboard!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

My wife had this issue and she hated it. People at her work would just pour their pain out to her, men and women. It was usually their spouse is cheating...or has cancer....or ....

She would come home from work and tell me. She would say "Do I have therapist stamped on my forehead?" We are 1. You tell one of us and the other will know shortly.

I told her she is in the wrong profession and could be paid much more. But she does not want to hear those other people's stories of betrayal, pain and sorrows. She quit that job in short order.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> Corrected your above statement for you (you seem to be good at missing out relevant important facts!
> Then I guess I must be pretty tightly wound! I happen to think you are particularly unwound!


Y'all are making a mountain out of a molehill.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

manfromlamancha said:


> OK I'll pause here and ask .... so far is this all still OK? Is it just a married man being nice to a married woman? Have no boundaries been crossed yet? So where should the boundaries be?


That's rather the key. The details can make all the difference for how two different sets of people handle and view the same situation. The idea that the boundaries are exactly the same for all people, as is typically put out around here, is ridiculous.



> Now I will also add what is commonly referred to here as the collective wisdom of TAM (the forum). So throw in all the experience we have gained by seeing this umpteen times before and you may understand why the husband was right to be suspicious!


We have a rather skewed view here as most people have come to this forum with issues and problems in marriage and so they are naturally going to see those problems in any situation even remotely like thier own, even if that problem doesn't actually exist.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

maquiscat said:


> That's rather the key. The details can make all the difference for how two different sets of people handle and view the same situation. The idea that the boundaries are exactly the same for all people, as is typically put out around here, is ridiculous.
> 
> 
> 
> We have a rather skewed view here as most people have come to this forum with issues and problems in marriage and so they are naturally going to see those problems in any situation even remotely like thier own, even if that problem doesn't actually exist.


So MaquisCat where would your boundaries be in this case? I know that you have a liberal view of marriage in general and are a supporter of the open marriage lifestyle. Might this be skewing your comments here? I understand that different people have different boundaries in their marriages so lets try and see where this man from Lebanon might be in terms of openness in marriage and relaxed boundaries.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

manfromlamancha said:


> So MaquisCat where would your boundaries be in this case? I know that you have a liberal view of marriage in general and are a supporter of the open marriage lifestyle. Might this be skewing your comments here? I understand that different people have different boundaries in their marriages so lets try and see where this man from Lebanon might be in terms of openness in marriage and relaxed boundaries.


The boundaries would be based upon him and her. That's rather my point. What crosses a line for you and me might not cross the line for the OP and his wife. Or might not for one of them, if the other didn't make clear where those boundaries were. I'm making the point that what we have here on this forum will be skewed on viewpoints as to what is line crossing, because we have so many who have had their boundaries crossed. I would say that I am less biased because I am not coming from a place where I have been hurt by boundary violations, _and _hold to the idea of no one true way. I'm not trying to tell him that this is or is not a boundary violation. I am only saying that it is not an absolute in either direction.

As to where I would land on this situation, should it be me and one of my wives, the mug would not be an issue with me in and of itself. Now, if the co-worker had been doing other things to try to get my wife to leave me or to engage in cheating, that would change the situation. I am alright with either of my wives pursuing a wanted relationship outside the marriage. I am not alright with someone trying to push themselves upon one of my wives, or my husband for that matter.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

How was the surprise weekend away?


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Landofblue said:


> How was the surprise weekend away?


Doesn't sound good.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Marca1984 said:


> This is what I'm doing. I'm surprising her tomorrow for a weekend getaway in a snow resort, as an early valentine. She suspects we are going out, especially that the kids will be staying at my mum's for the weekend 😊. But she has no clue where we will be going...


How did your surprise weekend getaway go? Were you able to reconnect as a couple? Have the arguments about your relationship stopped? Has the communication between the 2 of you improved? Has she dialed back her interaction with coworker? With all the carnage we read about on TAM, it would nice to hear a positive update for a change.


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## Marca1984 (11 mo ago)

Hello guys, and thank you for your engagement, and replies, it's nice to see other's opinions, it made me get a fuller picture, and realize that i was overreacting in this matter. the weekend getaway was more than perfect, to say the least . We were like 2 love birds, and it felt like we were on our honeymoon, and even better.
maybe we needed this escape after all, after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids, and the stress of work, and the pandemic, and the economy collapse in Lebanon...
we talked about this little incident, and how it made me think; she apologized again, and that was never her intention to make me feel bad, i got her a new mug with the family picture on it from one side, and our picture from the other side, last week we exchanged the valentine gifts, and she got me a lot of nice things. Honestly, it felt good that we are re-connecting again, and the bond seems stronger than before between us. she is not stressed out as she was before, and the tension between us is no more. 
Last week she witnessed food allergy and had to go to hospital for 3 days, so it made us both realize how much we care for each other, love each other, and miss being together, this is why i did not engage in the post before...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Marca1984 said:


> Hello guys, and thank you for your engagement, and replies, it's nice to see other's opinions, it made me get a fuller picture, and realize that i was overreacting in this matter. the weekend getaway was more than perfect, to say the least . We were like 2 love birds, and it felt like we were on our honeymoon, and even better.
> maybe we needed this escape after all, after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids, and the stress of work, and the pandemic, and the economy collapse in Lebanon...
> we talked about this little incident, and how it made me think; she apologized again, and that was never her intention to make me feel bad, i got her a new mug with the family picture on it from one side, and our picture from the other side, last week we exchanged the valentine gifts, and she got me a lot of nice things. Honestly, it felt good that we are re-connecting again, and the bond seems stronger than before between us. she is not stressed out as she was before, and the tension between us is no more.
> Last week she witnessed food allergy and had to go to hospital for 3 days, so it made us both realize how much we care for each other, love each other, and miss being together, this is why i did not engage in the post before...


Awesome outcome, glad it has all worked out. I love the new mug with family and the two of you on it, perfect!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So glad to hear this update. It’s awesome to get a false alarm once in a while. Wishing you guys a brighter future. Never let things get stale. Love is not just a feeling. We need to be proactive in how we show our significant others that they are special to us.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Marca1984 said:


> Hello All.
> I would like to share with you a little dilemma I faced yesterday
> 
> My wife is a financial controller in her company, and always has to deal with several male colleagues, one in particular, is the driver and the go-to-guy for payments at the banks, documents, governmental issues..., so naturally my wife has a lot of work with him, on daily basis.
> ...


Yes. You are overreacting. 

You know something, most men would love to do random acts of kindness for colleagues, both male or female. Doesn't happen with male colleagues, in case people think it's some kind of a gay thing going on.


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