# Why does he feel the need to hurt me more?



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I have posted a few times on here in the past nine months. My husband of 17 years left me back in August, claiming that he was not in love with me any more and that he just wanted to be alone to do what he wants to do. Obviously, as many of you know from what he said, he was having an affair with a co-worker, that he refused to admit until recently. He told me that I would always have a special place in his heart, etc, etc. 

I would definitely say that we have had a bitter separation. He has had five girlfriends in the past nine months while I have gone out to dinner one time with someone else. He travels, spends money like crazy, and flaunts his younger, pretty girlfriends one after another after another. We have one child together, who he sees 1-2 evenings a week. 

My question is this: Why does he feel the need to hurt me still? He knows that I am devastated over the loss of our marriage and he will say things like...

I am finally enjoying my life
We had a sad marriage
We should have never gotten married
I never loved you
I should have left you 10 years ago (when he cheated the first time)
I hate you
I am so done with you

You get the picture. My friends have said that he needs to make me the bad guy so he can justify why he left and I understand that to some degree, but will he NEVER feel remorse for destroying our marriage and our family? He didn't even bother to make sure that our son got me a mother's day card. He said it is no longer his responsibility to "comfort" me. 

I feel like I am going backward in my attempts to move on. I know I can't force him to ever apologize or try to make things right, but I guess I'm just shocked that the man I married and was with for so many years has turned into such a mean and hateful person toward me. I'm just really sad.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

You really think he's THAT happy?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

When life finally kicks in on this guy, watch out, he's running from more than your marriage still.

Reality will kick in, give it time.

How old is your son? Do you have to see him when he picks him up? cant your son wait out on the sidewalk, don't let him in the house, don't answer your phone, no texting, emails only 3-4 days in advance when at all possible in regards to your son only. NO OTHER CONTACT. He cant make you feel bad if you don't see or hear him, don't let him in. Stay strong.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He could be rewriting marital history to make himself feel better. Or he could just be a *****. Or both.

In any event, you need to stop focusing on what he says. When he begins those conversations (if they are in person) tell him you aren't interested in what he has to say. If it's email, don't read it (and certainly don't respond).

Detach, detach, detach.

ETA: It's unlikely he will ever show remorse. That's not who he is.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Thumper said:


> When life finally kicks in on this guy, watch out, he's running from more than your marriage still.
> 
> Reality will kick in, give it time.
> 
> How old is your son? Do you have to see him when he picks him up? cant your son wait out on the sidewalk, don't let him in the house, don't answer your phone, no texting, emails only 3-4 days in advance when at all possible in regards to your son only. NO OTHER CONTACT. He cant make you feel bad if you don't see or hear him, don't let him in. Stay strong.


He is not really happy. Probably never will be. Chasing bimbos to make himself (temporarily) feel better and look like a stud. They usually come out more miserable than ever.

My STBXH dumped us (his family) for EA's then PA's. Told me for the past few yrs I made his life miserable, I was a pain in the azz, etc. Let me tell you.... he is more miserable than ever, bordering on suicidal. And its not because of me because I've been out of his life for 10 mths now!! It wasn't me that made him unhappy, he makes himself unhappy.

My ex got one of the skanks he was seeing around new year, pregnant, and we hadn't even filed papers yet. Now he has our divorce and huge financial losses to deal with, and he'll have to pay her a fortune for the next 18 yrs too. I believe he is going to get what he deserves.

I went complete no contact 2 wks ago. Detached completely. Told him to communicate only about our son and only by email. I suggested we use a local drop off child care center for custody swaps. I have no desire to see him, I blocked him from FB, and do not want to talk to him in any way shape or form. 

He sent me an email the other night telling me he;s not a bad person. OMG I'm not even going to bother with that one.

You really do have to detach. There is no reason he does what he does except he's miserable inside and is a complete piece of [email protected] person.


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## Canardo (Mar 23, 2013)

I can imagine how hurtful that is -- I'm sorry. My W has said similar hurtful things to me. I think the consensus is correct that the WS says these things, rewrite history, etc. to make it easier for them to detach and to justify their decision. When I ask my W why she behaves this way towards me, she says that this is the only way she can "get through to me" that it's over. I disagree, but clearly she feels that she has to be mean.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Humans have to justify all their behaviors to themselves. Nobody wants to think of themselves as insane or evil. He wanted to leave his marriage for this Miss Thang. Before he could do that, he had to convince himself that his marriage to you was wrong. He's got to dehumanize you or else he will have to confront the painful reality of the hurt he's caused. A one-sided divorce is something like a murder. It's hard to kill someone you love but it's easier to kill your enemy. This is why soldiers refer to their enemy using unflattering terms "Kraut", "Slope", "Dink", "Jap", "Yankee", "Reb", "Ivan", etc. Church going farm boys don't naturally ram bayonets into each other. Cops don't train to kill people. They train to "neutralize" threats. This dehumanizing process is necessary to make doing the unthinkable possible. One would have to be a sociopath to do evil or cruel acts without it.
Once he gets beyond this traumatic period, he will reflect and be able to consider your marriage and his actions in a more objective light. Right now, he's probably basically a more or less decent guy who's caught up in something pretty shocking and indecent and he's behaving in the typical fashion of people who find themselves in such predicaments. Don't take it personally. It's the unpleasant sound of an anguished, tormented soul.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Your ex is rubbing your nose in it because he needs somebody to dump his frigged-up emotions onto. You're the punching bag of the day.

My STBXW said the same nonsense, the whole "I'm happy", etc. 

She's miserable and I couldn't be happier for it. 

Cut this jackass out. You're way better off. As for the whole "I want to be alone to do what I want to do" is, in the dialect of "Self-Absorbedese" translates to english as follows:

*I don't want to be married anymore because I hate having to in a responsible partnership*.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Because he is a loser.

Why do you still allow contact with him in the first place? He should be cut off permanently.


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