# Lying husband



## bethanie (Feb 16, 2011)

in all of the 5 years my husband and i have been together, i have been catching him in lies left and right. even when presented with evidence, he will continue to lie. usually making up something that only an idiot would believe, in my opinion. 

i don't want to go into all of the lies from the past because a lot has changed, though i'm not sure if he has gotten better at covering his lies or if he has really stopped doing most of the things he was doing. my main concern is that he has gone from things that were somewhat innocent to something i think is a lot more damaging to our marriage. though the lying is damaging enough. 

but over the past year or so, i have caught him several times talking to girls online through quite a few different websites. he is extremely flirtatious, and a few times has said some sexual things. there are some sites that he gets on to play games, like online pool, and refuses to be in any match with a male, he intentionally joins games with girls and enjoys talking to them. sometimes it seems harmless enough, but i wonder what goes on when he does have a chance to be alone. i have found that he has been talking to one girl through windows live messenger on our phone while he is at work for the past few months. of course i have confronted him about all of these things and every time he will lie to me, even with substantial evidence. 

i really just don't understand what he gets out of talking to these girls online, as they live far away and would never meet. as far as i know he has never cheated in real life, and i don't think that he would. we have a healthy relationship aside from this (or so i think). we talk about our issues calmly, rarely ever argue. our sex life is great, though he thinks i am a little shy in the bedroom, but i have done several things with him sexually that i thought were disgusting or made me very uncomfortable, and still continue to compromise as much as possible in that area. we spend as much time together as we can and have a lot of fun with another. am i doing something wrong or missing something? he has never been very open with me about his emotions, but he tells me all the time how much he loves me, and tells me everyday how beautiful or sexy he thinks i am and that he's so happy to have me, etc. so why does he feel the need to talk to these girls?

the one reminder i always give him is that if he thinks about something before doing it and asks himself, "would i be okay with bethanie doing this?" if the answer is no, than he shouldn't be doing it to begin with.

almost every time i catch him doing something, i ask him that question, and he always says, "it would drive me crazy." or, "i'd be pissed."

he is also very jealous, as am i, and is not okay with me even having guy friends. if i do happen to talk to an old friend of mine of the opposite sex online he always wants to know exactly what we're talking about. 

so i guess i'm wondering, what do you think is going on in his mind? if he acts like he is so in love and happy to be with me, why does he feel the need to talk to other girls? do you think this could lead up to cheating? and how can i get him to be honest with me? because at this point, i don't know what to believe and i don't trust him at all.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Have you thought that maybe it is an addition? I would have never thought that before until being on here, there is a lot of people man and women that suffer from sexual additions. Or even the thrill of talking to the opposite sex. 

Maybe ask him about it?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

boost to his ego ?


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## mirror (Feb 16, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> boost to his ego ?


He is probably bored and I am sure he gets a boost with the discussions. Not sure how many women are playing online pool so he might be surprised that it is probably a man anyways. If he is not hiding it from you then he does not think he is doing anything wrong so just let him know you are getting frustrated with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bethanie (Feb 16, 2011)

we have talked about this several times, sometimes he will get angry and defensive and say that it is innocent and i am over reacting. and then other times he will throw this pity party, like he can't help it and he feels ashamed, etc. 

he does hide a lot of things from me when it comes to these girls he talks to. like the one he was talking to while he is at work, but he just says they are just friends. even though the message i found, which is how i found out, he was telling her how beautiful she is and that he misses her because she hasn't been on windows live in a while. he always deletes everything so that i can't see what's really going on and will not let me read any messages when i ask, etc. he knows how much this bothers me, and some days he will agree that he thinks it is wrong, as well as saying that he wouldn't want me doing those things. 

i can kind of see where he might just be wanting an ego boost, he is very attractive and sought after in high school, he is also very conceited and vain at times as well as other times extremely insecure, but why would my compliments not be enough for him? 

he has also only been in a relationship with one other girl before me, and i have wondered if maybe he is just trying to experience something that he never had the opportunity to. but at the same time, the way i see things, is that if he is as happy and in love with me as he claims to be, why would he need these other girls for anything? i know that he is not just looking for a friend, because he has told me on several different occasions that he doesn't like "hanging out" with girls or having them as friends. his excuses are all over the place and never add up, most of the time i know when he is lying but he will still continue to lie to me. i know he has a big heart and good intentions, and i have no doubt that he really loves me, but i can't spend the rest of my life with someone who is going to lie to me all the time and talking to other girls behind my back.


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## bethanie (Feb 16, 2011)

and might i add, they are GIRLS, i don't know all the ages, but i do know that the one he was talking to on windows live is only 15. which concerns a little more...


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

I was thinking along the lines of sexual addiction, but your last post hints at perversion, also. He is lying, and continuing this behavior-which IS cheating-because you are enabling him. He has no consequences. He is cheating because he is spending time with other women, that, as his wife, YOU are entitled to. He is also now hiding what he is doing. I would seek out a therapist. If he won't go, I would go alone. In more cases than not, this behavior can lead to physical contact.


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## mirror (Feb 16, 2011)

Just speaking from my experience but might give you some insight. I was in a situation in which I was frustrated with my wife which I feel led me to an eventual EA. It started off with chatting online. If the chats are sexual in tone then it is him trying to be more than friends. For me it was an ego boost when my wife at home wasn't doing her part for the relationship. Is he wanting more from you? I am by no means able to give the best advice bc obvioulsy I am biased with my own situation. I hate to say it but you talkin to guys might throw it in his face and get him to wake up. I would also think if you point out that he has the real thing over vs. The virtual world maybe he would wake up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

mirror said:


> Just speaking from my experience but might give you some insight. I was in a situation in which I was frustrated with my wife which I feel led me to an eventual EA. It started off with chatting online. If the chats are sexual in tone then it is him trying to be more than friends. For me it was an ego boost when my wife at home wasn't doing her part for the relationship. Is he wanting more from you? I am by no means able to give the best advice bc obvioulsy I am biased with my own situation. I hate to say it but you talkin to guys might throw it in his face and get him to wake up. I would also think if you point out that he has the real thing over vs. The virtual world maybe he would wake up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unfortunately, men with a sexual addiction (even those on-line), know it's wrong, know they shouldn't be doing it, know they are taking time away from their families and their spouses, but do it anyway - reason it's called an addiction.

Pointing out that he has the real thing vs the virtual world does nothing. If it did, then my problem with this is my marriage would have disappeared a long time ago.

It's an EGO boost, it's the hidden, excitement charge of it all, it's talking about and looking at things he fantasizes about or doesn't have at home (for whatever reason - not blaming you). It's fantasy all wrapped up in a real person in a virtual world. Someone he doesn't have to perform for, answer to, care about, love or anything that he does with his family and his spouse. 

I've discovered that men have extremely fragile "ego's" (and here I thought us women were fragile - HA), and their need to be desired, admired and wanted, by any female, sometimes overrides their good sense - they let the wrong "head" do the walking and talking.

Either you do what some have done or what I have done.

You either draw a line in the sand and say "I won't tolerate this and if you continue I will have no choice but to leave," and mean it - because of course if he does it again after you give your ultimatum and you DO NOTHING, then he'll know he can continue to get away with it, or

You live with it, like I have learned to do - not take it personally, remember it's not a reflection of you and how you look, how you are in bed, etc., etc., and just realize that men are all ego driven pigs smthumbup and any gal that is humping three men at once while using a vibrator and jumping out of a pool, with perfect hair, breasts and body is ALWAYS going to make them look twice - then you can sleep at night! 

Good luck, if you come up with that magic potion that makes it all go away - let me know where to buy some...


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## 4evertrnzplnt (Feb 17, 2012)

I am 50 years old and I have been married twice. When I was in my 20's I would get offended when someone trashed men and lumped them into one sad, messy pile. As I have gotten older and remarried, I realize that all men lie when it comes to women. They like their fragile egos stroked and any woman who strokes their ego can usually get almost anything they want. I am saddened to say that they are sexually motivated most times, which can lead them into dangerous places, they willingly go to. My husband will do anything for oral sex. I have found him talking to women online and talking to young women at work. Not bragging, but I am still a very attractive, intelligent woman with a lot of life to offer. I like kayaking, x-country skiing, motocycling, traveling, etc. So I know I am not lacking as a person.
I have been married 6 years and for all those 6 years, my husband has lied to me about many things. He has set rules for me about the opposite sex that he has never kept. I have found he has relationships with women that he claims he never had. He says he never shares personal information with women and whenever I have gone to his job, women tell me all kinds of information about our life he has divulged. He has lied to me about money, smoking, where he is, his past, his job, his feelings, his relationships. But, he has all kinds of rules for my conduct and requires complete honesty from me. He goes out and buys cigarettes and beer with our last money and leaves me without toilet paper or money for toiletries.

after this second marriage, I realize I am an enabler. I have sacrificed and been a righteous woman with him. I have allowed him to dictate what my life will be and lived without life's necessities for way too long. I have allowed him to call the shots about everything and then he bullies me when I challenge him. He shouts over me and tries to intimidate with his size.

While he continues to meet his needs and wants at my expense. One thing I know is that a liar is a liar is a liar. If it wasn't cigarettes, it would be about something else. Take my word for it. Mine has also lied about cigarettes.

A liar will steal, cheat, betray, etc. My life experience has taught me that much. We do not cause them to lie. We cannot teach them to be honest. They either want to have integrity or it is NOT part of their make-up. Sorry if that sounds negative, but I see it all the time. We women have to start being more purposeful in our choices of men. Otherwise, we are to blame for allowing this kind of creep to say I love you, while killing you softly. i have been dying for 6 years with this man's emotional torture. No more!

As of today, I have decided that I will re-train myself not to be an enabler. It is up to me to decide what my life will be and it will no longer be enabling someone else for whatever dysfunctional hangups I have. does anyone have a 12 step program for enablers? I will be the first in line. and it would revolutionize the world!!!



bethanie said:


> in all of the 5 years my husband and i have been together, i have been catching him in lies left and right. even when presented with evidence, he will continue to lie. usually making up something that only an idiot would believe, in my opinion.
> 
> i don't want to go into all of the lies from the past because a lot has changed, though i'm not sure if he has gotten better at covering his lies or if he has really stopped doing most of the things he was doing. my main concern is that he has gone from things that were somewhat innocent to something i think is a lot more damaging to our marriage. though the lying is damaging enough.
> 
> ...


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## laila (Mar 1, 2012)

to bethanie... 
OMG I wanna meet you... this is exactly the same situation i have ...


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## laila (Mar 1, 2012)

mirror said:


> Just speaking from my experience but might give you some insight. I was in a situation in which I was frustrated with my wife which I feel led me to an eventual EA. It started off with chatting online. If the chats are sexual in tone then it is him trying to be more than friends. For me it was an ego boost when my wife at home wasn't doing her part for the relationship. Is he wanting more from you? I am by no means able to give the best advice bc obvioulsy I am biased with my own situation. I hate to say it but you talkin to guys might throw it in his face and get him to wake up. I would also think if you point out that he has the real thing over vs. The virtual world maybe he would wake up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dont "throw it in his face" as you put .. trust me will look like the the bad person and all his wrong doings will suddenly vanish and the attention will be on wat you did, not him!!


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## Toby (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi Bethanie, I hardly ever post but this is close to home for me, and I know the pain and hurt you must feel. It's not like you can talk to your friends over lunch abut this. I dont know how to find a post I wrote back months ago but maybe click on my name I only have a few. My story started 4.2 years with this same thing. Married 22 years. As I sit and write I am finely contemplating leaving for good. He started after he got ill and had a stroke he was not old 42. He still does not have a reason. He went this last weekend to spend 3 days away in a hotel because I can't have it anymore. I told him if he rolled out of the drive way I couldnt take him back because I would not trust that he hooked up. He did come back and we have talked and talked. But guess what my heart isnt in this anymore. 

He started with posting on a few dating sites saying he was seperated and boarded. The soft porn didnt excite him anymore. Well you get the picture. It has now gone to looking at escort websites,and reviews, also virtual reality sex games. He has gone to 12 step meatings sex counselors all of it. 

Before anyone says well maybe I should join him, please read up on sex addiction. It is an intimacy issue with these men. I have been a good and giving wife to the bitter end. We have lost everything do to his illness and I sit witout any future for me. I put 8 hard years into his business to never a thank you or a paycheck. He treated me like a second class person and took all the credit. I am shattered. He lies also and steals from me money as he always spends any I hand him and cant account so I carefully have to monitor the funds [he agreed to this]. He resents me because I am responsible and worthy. 

I would tell you to try marraige counseling however many do not have the many hours in training ,some blame the women I have been blamed. It's not about us it's them. I have spent hours with a real good female counselor and I know my husband is a true narcisist. This is sad they and there needs come first. I have always been an after thought and his work friends his desires came first. My pain is great and now that I am about to walk he is sad and wants me to forgive and love him. He has tried to push my time to get over the anger. 
The worst thing about this is it drags on and on, I forgive, he says he wont do it, I put my heart back in and then he goes behind me and does this. Over and over again and again.

Please get yor own support system please. I have been left with PTSD as he has escalated so bad. It is a shock when you dont feel like you know who the hell you thought you married. I put all my love and devotion in this man. If you have no children get out. My son 22 cant stand his father and told him so last night. He has bailed on all of us and we are soon homeless. He has left me with nothing to show for 22 years. The one thing that made my mind up was the ease of how he lies its like silk off his tounge, looks me in the eye. Now he's sorry. 

Well as you can see we have to go here to vent but please protect youself and find someone to talk to. They need the best help from an experinced sex counselor it takes years, study it. Best to you. Toby


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You teach people how to treat you.

I wouldn't tolerate any of that...so I didn't date someone who was into that. My husband doesn't see the need to be online unless he's reading about cars. (His porn  )


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## Toby (Jan 13, 2011)

Sorry that girl but little insensitive maybe, and yes you do teach people how to treat you. My husband wasnt into porn 22 years ago alot of marriages never start that way but who knows the cause. My husband is a car freak also. No one wants to tolerate cheating or bad behavior. We stay for the pure fact they will find recovery. We stay for are family and to seek help putting the fractured relationship back together. No one dates a bad person, some people hide their true selfs. We didnt even have a computer the first 6 years of marriage. Things change people change illnss strikes sometimes depression can take hold as in my husbands case. I find you comment glib and insensitive.Sorry you hit a nerve. Toby


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

As a guy, I don't understand why you'd stay. If I discovered my wife doing the same, I'd either leave immediately or realize that my ticket to do the same just got punched.

But then again, I really am a bad person so... take any advice I give with a grain of salt (or the whole shaker).

The first few posts are right. Guys do it for the ego boost... and usually the only thing between us and cheating is 1) fear of getting caught and losing what we have; and 2) inability to close the deal in real life.

That said, sex and love are two totally different things to a lot of guys. We can be in love with one person, and have no qualms about having sex with another, and still hold the hypocritical position that we want the one we're in love with to be faithful.

It's pretty messed up, but as of yet, I haven't made friends with any guy in real life that didn't struggle with inappropriate flirtation at a minimum. I've had more than one friend mention over a beer: "man, I have got to stop talking to this other girl."

Others go the honest route and try to bring up swinging or having an open relationship with inevitably bad results.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

@Toby: I wasn't meaning to be insensitive. It's just what I think. The comment wasn't even to you, so...it wasn't about your situation of 22 years. By staying and "hoping" people get help doesn't help the situation. Either people get help or they don't. Living in this and letting yourself be treated this way is wrong.


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