# So WS who are reconciled ever worry?



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I wonder if WS ever worry that their BS took them back basically because they had no other options as far as financial or just generally where they are in their life. Or basically that it was done out of fear or settling. I mean I personally believe most BS are settling if they stay in the marriage, it's quite clear many marriages only exist after affairs because the BS is to afraid to call the death so to speak. I mean there are plenty of posts where the BS will post anonymously as much, they are in it because it cost to much or they are too old or whatever. They basically say, there is no love left, they they hate their spouse, they don't respect their spouse, etc. 

What's interesting is this doesn't seem to be something that WS even think or worry about. I mean I would be thinking does this person really love me? How could the love me after I treated them so badly? Nope haven't read that topic once. I don't even think they think about it, seems like they just think they are of such value that even after they cheat they are a great catch. Maybe why they cheat in the first place? So their spouse's love wasn't something they valued in the first place, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but if they don't value love why get married? 

You hear all the time the BS saying stuff like when my WS says "I love you" I wonder if they are thinking about the affair partner, but you never her the WS say when BS says "I love you" I wonder if they are just saying it because they don't want to have to start over, or because they don't want to lose the house. I mean the biggest reason we here for WS have affairs are because they are insecure, but after you treat someone so bad you wouldn't be worrying that that they secretly hate you? If they are so insecure why do they care so little about if the primary relationship in their life is real or not? They seem to just worry about if they are hot or not. Stupid. 

I guess I will never understand the mindset. I just think it shows how broken they are. It's like they don't care if their spouse respects them or not. Strange.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@sokillme,

You always write the most interesting posts, but I have to say, sometimes they are so very biased I almost find it humorous. Her's why. Essentially in this post, you're asking "Hey do you WS's every think that maybe you're NOT such a catch? Like...maybe your BS only stayed with you because they didn't feel like rebuilding their whole life and they don't really love you at all?" 

The reason I find this humorous is that (to borrow someone's phrase her on TAM) it's as if you think we have one WS hive mind. Even those of us who reconciled are different from each other, and the reasons for reconciling are different! Are all of the BS's who reconciled scaredy cat wimps? Of course not! LOL Some are...but some truly are more brave than anyone I know. 

But for the fun of it, I will respond from the point of view of someone who was unfaithful, did not end it perfectly at first, finally just admitted I was wrong and I had to stop, did the work and figured it out, and successfully reconciled with my Dear Hubby. Now...my reply will be different than a WS who did not end it, who wouldn't admit they were wrong, who wouldn't stop, who wouldn't do the work, who wouldn't learn how to be in a loving relationship, or who didn't reconcile. So...lots of variables there!



sokillme said:


> I wonder if WS ever worry that their BS took them back basically because they had no other options as far as financial or just generally where they are in their life. Or basically that it was done out of fear or settling. I mean I personally believe most BS are settling if they stay in the marriage, it's quite clear many marriages only exist after affairs because the BS is to afraid to call the death so to speak. I mean there are plenty of posts where the BS will post anonymously as much, they are in it because it cost to much or they are too old or whatever. They basically say, there is no love left, they they hate their spouse, they don't respect their spouse, etc.


When my Dear Hubby took me back, he was just beginning to be ill and I was the breadwinner for the family, so you know, that may have played into his reasoning. Honestly I would suspect it was a portion of it, yeah. Do I think that was his MAIN reason? Heck no! I could tell by the way he acted that he wanted a good marriage and a loving relationship with me. Do I think he chose that out of fear or settling? Hmmm...he's not here to say, but I don't think it was fear. He was the kind of man who would do what he said, and if he said "do this and the door is closed to you forever" he MEANT it!! So when he needed courage, he gathered it. But he really did not want to give up, and I think we both got to a point where we agreed we didn't want to settle...and so we had to do something different. He was willing to learn how to be more expressive and emotionally available and I was willing to learn how to protect him and our relationship from my own weakness and learn what real commitment WAS. Shoot I changed my whole way of thinking! Thus, in summary, do I think he was just too cowardly to call the death? Nope. In real life it did die, and we both acknowledged that--we just chose to have a whole new relationship come to life. 



> What's interesting is this doesn't seem to be something that WS even think or worry about. I mean I would be thinking does this person really love me? How could the love me after I treated them so badly? Nope haven't read that topic once. I don't even think they think about it, seems like they just think they are of such value that even after they cheat they are a great catch. Maybe why they cheat in the first place? So their spouse's love wasn't something they valued in the first place, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but if they don't value love why get married?


Wow it's funny--on this you couldn't be more wrong (at least not for me). I cheated--oh dear--ten years ago now, and even after all this time I worry and wonder why people love me. My Dear Hubby was my absolutely hero and I could never quite imagine why a man with his character and grace and obvious good sense would stick with a person like me, and yet to my eternal blessing he did. That was his choice. And my choice was very literally to spend the entire rest of his life living in gratitude for the grace and kindness he had shown me. Do I think about it? Every single day. Do I worry about it? Every single day. Now I 'm with EB--have you met the man? He is the best of the best here on TAM and even better in real life, and I marvel ever day that he can look at me and find some value. Trust me, I work hard and do my very best to demonstrate how much I do value him and that his trust is not misplaced. 



> You hear all the time the BS saying stuff like when my WS says "I love you" I wonder if they are thinking about the affair partner, but you never her the WS say when BS says "I love you" I wonder if they are just saying it because they don't want to have to start over, or because they don't want to lose the house. I mean the biggest reason we here for WS have affairs are because they are insecure, but after you treat someone so bad you wouldn't be worrying that that they secretly hate you? If they are so insecure why do they care so little about if the primary relationship in their life is real or not? They seem to just worry about if they are hot or not. Stupid.
> 
> 
> > To be completely honest, I did wonder if Dear Hubby secretly ... well I don't think he ever "hated" me but maybe lost his love entirely. I wouldn't blame him at all if he did! I didn't know what to think when we were first reconciling, but both of us took the time to show though our actions that we did care. We started off as friends first, and we listened to each other, even on the really "hard to hear" stuff. I didn't really always believe words, but I did gradually believe his actions, just like he gradually believed mine. And yep, I ate MAJOR crow because I deserved it, but he didn't force it on me or feed it to me. I took the lumps I deserved myself. I knew it would take a LONG, LONG time to rebuild trust and that was okay with me--he gave me the chance to show him, and that's all I needed.
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well I know my Dad pretty well. But my Dad didn't stick around, he just wanted to have different woman and was at least decent enough to just move on. He also seemed to only want one at a time. I will give him that, it could have been worse. I think he was a grass is always greener type. But most of what I know is from reading. You would agree that all of this stuff, except for the very rare cases, follow a few patterns right? I mean you only read about 3 or 4 different types of stories over and over. 

So it's nice to see you on here by the way. I think your voice is missing, but I get you are kind of busy right now. You sound like you are going much better and am happy for you.

Anyway, I think your post highlights that maybe it's hard for me to get it because my marriage doesn't really have some of the problems that leads to a lot of this stuff, not that it doesn't have problems. No marriage is perfect, but lack of communication isn't one of them. If we were to not make it I think we would both know it was going to happen and why, as we are both pretty vocal about what we expect in our own way.

This is what I don't get in what you said about WS's thinking. 

WS: I am so unhappy in my marriage, my spouse doesn't love me, spouse neglects and is mean to me, I don't want to be them anymore, I am going to cheat.

After cheating and blowing up your marriage and making it 100x worse. Spouse is terribly angry lots of times to the point of being abusive. Trust is completely gone. Spouse doubts the whole marriage. Spouse has major doubts in you now and in the whole marriage.

WS: I am no longer unhappy, I know my spouse loves me, I will do whatever it takes to be here. 

Make absolutely NO SENSE. Is it just the attention, meaning any attention negative or positive is good? It only makes sense if you grew up in a broken home and this is your normal or if you are crazy or something. 

It's like you have a nice house, not perfect but nice, but you are not happy with it. Then you take a flame thrower to it burn it almost to the ground, yet afterwards you cry and sit in the shell of the living room and talk about how much you love your house. Sometimes this change of heart happens in an instant! Like the moment the fire stops. 

HUH??? How can I see this as anything less than schizophrenia?!!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If I read forums, I would absolutely worry period from what I have read, especially if you are a wayward wife, the man basically takes you back because he either needs a maid, he wants regular sex Kama he enjoys being able to punish you perpetually, he likes having a scape goat, or hes afraid you'll take away the kids. I have yet to read a single story on this forum where a man actually believably still loves his wayward wife. I know some men who are still married to them. But based on the way they talk, I do not believe they love their wives. I think women more often leave their wayward husbands and maybe that's why we don't see that period may be the women who stay with a wayward husband stay because they want to? Or maybe because women tend to have more of a support system they have an outlet? I have no idea.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

I was open with my husband about my reasons for staying in our marriage, even as some of them became clearer to me later. One of my biggest issues with WS's (the penitent ones, at any rate) is how the consequence of their actions in endangering their marriage seem to come as such a shock when the fruit hits the fan. But extrapolating consequences is plainly easier for a BS because we're not drowning in limerence chemicals and lust. So I think it would be almost hypocritical as a BS not to put that logical effort in. And foolish. These are our lives, after all.

We had an awesome marriage counsellor who responded to my "I want out" with "OK - what is that going to be like?". And that allowed me to understand the practical implications of unfolding my marriage - on our family, our circumstances and on me. I weighed that against the future and my needs and wants. And those of my children. And then finally those of my husband. And balanced that against his willingness to face up to his actions and choices and to tell me the full, unvarnished truth. And the mitigating reality of the effects of my long-term depression and how badly rugsweeping my husband's first affair had affected the dynamics of our marriage. I took action to get myself to a place where I was not as dependent on him for my future financial stability. And I allowed the real risk that he might do it again to enter into my world view. 

And I still chose and choose to stay married. Because life is never certain. And this isn't a "better the devil you know" situation for me; it's a "this is the flawed man I choose as my husband, as he shows up and commits to his choice of the me that is also flawed". The reality is that there isn't another man I want. This one has shadows and weaknesses and faults, but that doesn't change me wanting to be with him. In fact, this realisation actually makes my decision that much more real and meaningful to me. 

I have always been the less romantic of the two of us. In MBTI speak - that is my thinking to his feeling. Recently, I asked whether he felt somehow romantically cheated because a sizeable set of my reasons to stay had been such pragmatic ones. He thought about it for a bit and then answered "No - your choice was for life with me as your husband, rather than life without me as your husband. Knowing me as you do now, that was still your choice. And that more than satisfies the romantic in me."


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> If I read forums, I would absolutely worry period from what I have read, especially if you are a wayward wife, the man basically takes you back because he either needs a maid, he wants regular sex Kama he enjoys being able to punish you perpetually, he likes having a scape goat, or hes afraid you'll take away the kids. *I have yet to read a single story on this forum where a man actually believably still loves his wayward wife.* I know some men who are still married to them. But based on the way they talk, I do not believe they love their wives. I think women more often leave their wayward husbands and maybe that's why we don't see that period may be the women who stay with a wayward husband stay because they want to? Or maybe because women tend to have more of a support system they have an outlet? I have no idea.


You know there is a guy on here who is raising his wife's kids whom she had with her AP and didn't tell him for 2 years as his own right? If that isn't sacrificial love I have no idea what is. Not saying it's healthy, but he loves his wife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mizzbak said:


> But extrapolating consequences is plainly easier for a BS because we're not drowning in limerence chemicals and lust.


Personally, I think a whole lot of them are just emotionally retarded. I mean that in the clinical (something stopped their emotional development) type of way.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

When I talk about love, I'm not talk about hanging in there because of kids. I'm talking about not having a disgust and disdain for the woman who they allowed to wash their underwear and have sex with them on a regular basis period from what I see written on these pages, almost every man who has stayed with his wife all but hates her, but she serves a purpose so he keeps her around.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Personally, I think a whole lot of them are just emotionally retarded. I mean that in the clinical (something stopped their emotional development) type of way.


Yes I agree with this.
I have read on other forums where a cheating wife said she was married for seventeen years and had an affair for “only” three months,she felt that she wasn’t getting enough credit for the sixteen years and nine months that she stayed faithful.
I wrote this on tam before but it is similar to what you are saying.I met a woman one night at a show in NY and she came back to my apartment with me.The following morning I asked her did she want to go for breakfast but she said no because her boyfriend or some of his friends might see us.I didn’t know she had a boyfriend and I asked her why she wasn’t faithful to him.
She said she had been faithful,lots of times.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> When I talk about love, I'm not talk about hanging in there because of kids. I'm talking about not having a disgust and disdain for the woman who they allowed to wash their underwear and have sex with them on a regular basis period from what I see written on these pages, almost every man who has stayed with his wife all but hates her, but she serves a purpose so he keeps her around.


What about that one guy, his wife is Mary?

There has got to be some others.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> When I talk about love, I'm not talk about hanging in there because of kids. I'm talking about not having a disgust and disdain for the woman who they allowed to wash their underwear and have sex with them on a regular basis period from what I see written on these pages, almost every man who has stayed with his wife all but hates her, but she serves a purpose so he keeps her around.


I agree with what you are saying.There is one thing I have noticed before though.
When a woman decides she is “done” with her partner it seems it’s very unlikely that she will ever feel any differently.
But I have seen a few times on tam that a man who is in the same boat can have a change of heart eventually and fully reconcile with his partner.
I remember one poster writing how his wife’s counselor had advised her to make deposits in his “love bank” and he would change his mind about divorcing her and she was right.He had found out she cheated with a work colleague while on a training course.The guy came back every so often and updated his thread and they are still together as far as I know.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

A woman's level of tolerance is usually higher. That is why she is 'done' when she is 'done' because the level of crap that is being pulled on her is so high that she cannot let it go if she wants to respect herself.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> When I talk about love, I'm not talk about hanging in there because of kids. I'm talking about not having a disgust and disdain for the woman who they allowed to wash their underwear and have sex with them on a regular basis period from what I see written on these pages, almost every man who has stayed with his wife all but hates her, but she serves a purpose so he keeps her around.


Hmm, this is interesting. I have a LOT more clarity now but maybe I'm still do close to it all, timeline wise. I could never take her back now and so many good reasons for that but I can still look back and say that if she was willing to take part in reconciliation and rededicated herself back to our marriage, I would have moved on and still loved her the same. In my eyes, if we could have turned it around I still saw so much potential and love as a married couple. That's what I see when I look back then before the divorce. 

Now what I see is I'm glad I gave it my all but it's better it didn't work after she chose her path. I could and did forgive the affair, even though she never quit. What I cannot and never forget is while the knife was stuck in my back and I struggled to pick myself off the ground, it was her words, her actions that instead of helping pick me up off the mat, she took both hands and drove the knife deeper and deeper. Unreal, someone you loved for 18 years and trusted with everything could be capable of that. Nonetheless, I left my attempt at 'saving' the marriage all on the field, gave it all I had, no regrets there .... can finally smile because that light at the end of the tunnel I couldn't see but knew was there through the 14 months of Hell, is now staring me right in the face!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I have the utmost respect for a man who knows on D-day that he cannot reconcile and chooses to divorce. I have the utmost respect for a man who chooses to throw himself fully into reconciliation and then realizes later he just can't do it, so he files for divorce. I have the utmost respect for a man who can actually do reconciliation and can see a restored loving marriage with his wife. I do not have any respect for a man who chooses to stay married but also chooses to nurse as much anger, bitterness, and resentment as possible so that he makes sure he never proverbially lets his wife off the hook. That is the man who is the coward.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

You assume that broken people can't fix themselves. They can.

I was a wayward and my husband loves me.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

katies said:


> You assume that broken people can't fix themselves. They can.
> 
> I was a wayward and my husband loves me.


I agree

My wife betrayed me with a secret drug addiction and infidelity.

I moved on and filed immediately.

My wife hit rock bottom, got arrested, sent to rehab, and changed.

She's a better person now than when we met.

It was a close call but we reconciled. 

I love my wife still. Do i have a scar...yes, but I have lots of scars from all sorts of things.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

katies said:


> You assume that broken people can't fix themselves. They can.
> 
> I was a wayward and my husband loves me.


I am glad for you, and I am glad for your husband. To choose years of misery "on principle" escapes me. You and your husband must be strong people.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> I am glad for you, and I am glad for your husband. To choose years of misery "on principle" escapes me. You and your husband must be strong people.


Not everyone can fix themselves, but for the few who do I have a lot of respect. I think the people that choose misery aren't choosing that, they are just choosing to value their relationship higher than the damage that was inflicted on it. If you think about it the reason people cheat is really because they don't value their marriage/relationship as much as whatever they are getting out of the cheating. But if people recognize that and reprioritize their relationship, fix whatever the internal issues were, and value the work they put in as a high level of commitment beyond what they had before, then they really aren't miserable with their choice.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Yes I agree with this.
> I have read on other forums where a cheating wife said she was married for seventeen years and had an affair for “only” three months,she felt that she wasn’t getting enough credit for the sixteen years and nine months that she stayed faithful.
> I wrote this on tam before but it is similar to what you are saying.I met a woman one night at a show in NY and she came back to my apartment with me.The following morning I asked her did she want to go for breakfast but she said no because her boyfriend or some of his friends might see us.I didn’t know she had a boyfriend and I asked her why she wasn’t faithful to him.
> She said she had been faithful,lots of times.


There was only that one rape, the rest of the time I was a great person.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> You assume that broken people can't fix themselves. They can.
> 
> I was a wayward and my husband loves me.


I don't assume that, I assume in the back of their mind the BS is thinking, "yeah this is all great but you still stabbed me in the back." The way I see it with long term affairs (not talking about drunken one night stand here) but the continued lying an phony behavior the level of long term disrespect will really probably never be duplicated by any other person in your life unless someone else cheats on you. Not sure how you don't think about that in the back of your mind every time you are with this person. I know it would taint everything in my relationship with that person going forward. 

I don't really think that most WS understand this. I personally think their are a whole lot of WS whose spouse really just stuck with them because it was the most convenient choice. I mean it's pretty plain when you read on these boards. I think that is a possibility that most WS get this. I mean most long term Reconciled WS almost always say the marriage is better. I doubt if they were honest most BS would say so. I mean the stories when the BS decides to call it quits a few years later, the WS always seems to be blindsided by this. So what is going on? I think it is a function of their dysfunction I think WS perceive things differently then their spouses lots of times. If I were the WS that would be my worry, but then again I want to be a good spouse for my wife because I feel like that is my primary responsibility in my life, I want her to look back and feel like she married the right person, I am not sure someone who cheats feels that way.

Look at the people, especially men who sometimes decades later have a crisis, I personally think that is because their life is in it's last period and they look back and think, I really accepted a raw deal. They don't say it, they may not even be able to articulate it but that is what it is. They are not dealing with the affair all over again, and it's not even about their spouse, it's about the fact that they stayed married to a person who could do that to them and in the end the payoff wasn't worth it. They now have to deal with the fact that they betrayed themselves. I could be wrong but that is how I see it. I think that is why it's such a great risk. 

So I am quite confident WS can change but I am talking about the marriage itself as a partnership. But I don't think most see it as a partnership anyway, how could they and do what they do. Seems to me they see the marriage as something they get something out of not something they give into. That whole last sentence is really something that I would advice anyone looking for a mate to pay attention to. Does the person you are thinking of marrying really follow that principle.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

sokillme said:


> There was only that one rape, the rest of the time I was a great person.


I've only ever heard this from women. I don't think I've ever heard a man say something similar.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BruceBanner said:


> I've only ever heard this from women. I don't think I've ever heard a man say something similar.


We don't grade on a curve like that as people. You cannot say that 20 years of faithfulness should "balance out" the horror of an affair. But most of us DO do that from time to time

I only yelled that once. I'm not usually angry

I only flirted that once. I'm a faithful person

Sure, I ran through girls/guys like water in high school. But I'm not a player NOW

Sure I called you fat ***** when I was tired, but I'm a great husband

Sure I hit my kid that one time. But I'm a great mom

We just choose which one of those scenarios WE deem legitimate and which ones we don't.


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