# I just dont know how to do it



## Sammy3115 (Nov 22, 2012)

Everyone has been amazing on this site... This is my original thread explaining my story. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/70345-help-my-world-falling-apart.html

I took all the great advice on board, especially 180. I have regained my life, slowly but not completely there yet, we are still separated and decided to live apart for a few months ( its been 4 months) we have set a date for possible reconciliation ( 3 months time). This time is for him to prove himself. 

He has really become a changed man, In All honesty he has always been a very good guy, other than this massive part to him I didn't know of, but he is completely transparent, and he has done EVERYTHING and more I have asked of him, and he is constantly making an effort with 100's of calls/texts/emails, really remorseful and sincerely regretting what he has done, and he hasn't backed down in the last 4 months, even when I have been really harsh mentioning divorce ( I'm really hurt and I was lashing out). But he does not give up, and says he never will. Even after me pushing him. He has been looking after me and the 3 kids throughout our marriage, even moreover the last few months, with emotional and lots of financial support, he never let's us go without, I do appreciate this. Currently he is living on his own, cooking, cleaning, does all his jobs himself, and doesn't have a social life other then when he get to see the kids, and we have date night once a week. 

BUT why oh why, can I not just move past what he did, he had a long term 1 year affair, then admitted he had a one night stand prior to this affair ( he said he felt really guilty after this and it didn't happen again with this women even though it could have). I can not stop thinking that how many others were there, as he did go away to a few conferences, but he swears this is he truth, and his phone bills only reflect these two women, but I'm not sure, as his long term affair women said there're we're many more! He did admit he had been emailing/ texting a couple of others but nothing happened... I presume if he was there would need to be some sort of contact I.e texting calling for a few weeks? I don't know...

Then I keep thinking how devious he was, how cruel, I was pregnant through his one year affair, and I lost the baby at 5 months, he was amazing, he said he was living a double life and the two were never connected, I was even pregnant when he had his one night stand. 

A year is a long time, he said it was not a full relationship affair, he said they got togther a few times, and spoke 2-3 times a week on the phone, I keep thinking of all r things we were ding last year and he was seeing here a the same time... 

I can not get these thoughts out of my head as he went away with this women, on a conference, which they attended together, and obviously stayed together, the thought of them two in a hotel toom together tears me to pieces each time, it's so hurtful, I can't get past this, the worst part is, he is a good looking, good body, good job, confident man, and she was the total opposite, she is not what he would ever go for, they were work colleagues, but he did she put it on a plate and she was infatuated with him, which is actually true going by her behaviour after the affair as she's wouldnt let go of him. 


I have been reading articles online on forgiveness, but I just can't seem to forgive, I just want to punish him, that soundss so bad, but he really put me through the rings when I was trying to uncover his affair. 

How do I get past this, eventually I will probably give me a last chance, but ideally want to get past this I really do, and start my career which I'm excited about, but this keeps on pulling me back, these thoughts refuse to leave my mind, it's changed who I have become. Some advice would really help.. 

Thank you all in advance to read my original story and my new addition... X


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Sam, LTA are the worst. They are tied at the hip with emotions. IMHO this is so very hard not only to stop, but to forgive. Your SO living a double life is called compartmentalization. This for the skilled and takes a lot of effort. For me living just one life with one woman for a long period of time takes work, much less x2. Then add in the loss of a child and the emotions that come with, is very hard to deal with.
You are dealing with an awful lot in a short period of time. I don't know about an R at this point, he will have to commit to some heavy lifting to show his worth. You say he said it wasn't a full on relationship, I'm sorry hon, yes it is. Forgive is what we try to do, forgetting is never. In time with the right help, your pain will ease somewhat. If you R, trust but verify every time. Keep coming here there are quite a few folks who have been down this road. It will help, trust me, it helps me. Stay strong and good luck to you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Some people really want as much truth as they can get in order to move on either with R or D after infidelity. Some people don't want to know much. You sound like you need the truth from your H. It also sounds like you don't have anywhere near the truth.

The first rule after an affair is no contact with the affair partner. He hasn't come close to having no contact, has he? And he definitely hasn't given you the truth. I think you will be in for more hurt and betrayal if you reconcile with him now. At the very least, more will come out and restart your devastation clock. Many people say that they never would have agreed to R if they had known everything the WS had done, so before you agree to let him move back in, get your truth from him.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sammy3115, I am going to be the bearer of bad news. 

our husband may be showing positive changes but after reading all your posts, I can say with confidence he is an addict. When things become complacent he will be back in his addictions. Why? Because he cannot feed them unless he is married. It's the thoughts of being with another, the chase, the hunt, the score, the clandestine operation... Without you in the picture he is an addict in withdrawal. 

My #1 best advice is to divorce him. 

My #2 best advice is if you bring him back to carefully monitor him continuously and indefinitely for when he returns to his addiction and then be done with him.

I really feel for you and the kids having to go through all this.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Sammy,
Your husband may be trying to do all the right things now and being the perfect husband. He may very well be trying to be the best he can be and make what he did up to you. However, in the end, it’s about how you feel. There is no law that says we have to forgive or forget. There is no rule that says just because he’s trying hard, that you have to get over it. Right now, it’s all about you and how you feel and your well-being.

I’m a huge believer in self-respect and self-esteem and this is something that no one can give us or take away; however, others can influence it if we let them. In your case, if reconciling with your husband, after what he did to you, damages your self-respect or self-esteem, then it's OK to end the marriage/reconciliation. For me, if my spouse did to me what he did to you, I could not maintain my sense of self-respect and self-esteem knowing she was back in her role as my wife after hurting me so and not experiencing the same pain and humiliation as I did (getting away scott free). It’s not fair and this kind of unfairness is not something I can live with in my home. I think that, in the end, this is what you are felling. 

You’ll have to do what is right for you in the end, but it’s OK to walk away if that’s what heals you; you don’t have to stay.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Sammy,
> Your husband may be trying to do all the right things now and being the perfect husband. He may very well be trying to be the best he can be and make what he did up to you. However, in the end, it’s about how you feel. There is no law that says we have to forgive or forget. There is no rule that says just because he’s trying hard, that you have to get over it. Right now, it’s all about you and how you feel and your well-being.
> 
> I’m a huge believer in self-respect and self-esteem and this is something that no one can give us or take away; however, others can influence it if we let them. In your case, if reconciling with your husband, after what he did to you, damages your self-respect or self-esteem, then it's OK to end the marriage/reconciliation. For me, if my spouse did to me what he did to you, I could not maintain my sense of self-respect and self-esteem knowing she was back in her role as my wife after hurting me so and not experiencing the same pain and humiliation as I did (getting away scott free). It’s not fair and this kind of unfairness is not something I can live with in my home. I think that, in the end, this is what you are felling.
> ...


I believe you just wrote the very definition of dealbreaker.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I believe you just wrote the very definition of dealbreaker.


Then I'm copyrighting it!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Then I'm copyrighting it!


We demand an equal share!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Sammy, I haven't read your original thread, but it sounds like you are 4 months out from DD. I was also still a complete mess at this time. The points for me were 3 months: head spinning less; 6 months: anger and acceptance; 1 year: acceptance and how to move forward. Sorry if I am way off on the details, I don't have time to look them up, hope this is some help.


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