# Husband Wants Me to Quit Working



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I need some insight/perspective on this. My DH makes about $65,000 a year and we have four young children. He also gets great health benefits and his employer contributes to his 401K. We've also taken advantage of the 4% matching that his employer offers. We have college accounts for each of the kids and contribute about $200 a month to these. It isn't much, but it's a start! We own a modest house.

I work part-time from home. I have my master's degree and I have frequently taught at community colleges. I really started scaling back after our kids came along and now I only teach classes online. I only make around 10K a year. It's been my way of keeping my foot in the door and getting a little break from the kids. The money also helps! Fortunately, we don't live in an expensive area, but we'd be quite tight on his income alone. 

Unfortunately, my husband is fed up with how busy we are and wants me to completely quit working. I can see his point. We ARE very busy. I homeschool our four and six-year-olds. Add a three-year-old and a fifteen-month-old to the mix and it can get quite chaotic! I try to work on my class during the day, but I still usually have a few hours to finish after he gets home from work. I usually have the kids bathed and dinner ready and we eat together. (He gets home from work most days by about 4:30). He then takes over with the kids while I work for a few hours.

I pretty much do everything with the house. I cook, clean, grocery shop, and do the laundry. He does help out as much as he can--esp. if he sees I am getting overwhelmed. I just feel that if I do quit, I will have no outlet and we will be so tight with money every month. Am I asking too much to want to keep working?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

We were in almost your exact position about a year or two ago (3 kids).

It was getting quite difficult to maintain that situation in the current economic atmosphere.

My wife has picked up a part time job which takes soooo much pressure off me it ain`t funny.

Be careful what you wish for


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Wow. $65K for a family of six is not that much. And it leaves you no safety net if he is suddenly fired or laid off. Also, what will happen to your resume? I'm sorry, but people get divorced all the time. I'm sure your marriage is stable, but if you were to get divorced and you had not worked for a few years, that would make it more difficult to get a job.

[Why are you homeschooling? That is an enormous investment of time, and at that age I'm not sure it's reaping the benefits that you are hoping. But that's another issue for another thread.]

I don't think you are asking too much. I think I'd be asking him why he wants you to stop working.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

No you're not asking too much. The truth is that a family should be able to survive on the husband's income alone if that's what the wife chooses to do. But the decision to work or not work should be an option for the woman and not a forced decision. If you want to work then he should respect that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Wow. $65K for a family of six is not that much. And it leaves you no safety net if he is suddenly fired or laid off. Also, what will happen to your resume? I'm sorry, but people get divorced all the time. I'm sure your marriage is stable, but if you were to get divorced and you had not worked for a few years, that would make it more difficult to get a job.
> 
> [Why are you homeschooling? That is an enormous investment of time, and at that age I'm not sure it's reaping the benefits that you are hoping. But that's another issue for another thread.]
> 
> I don't think you are asking too much. I think I'd be asking him why he wants you to stop working.


That's how I feel too. I don't want to be that tight each month. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. True, we do contribute to his 401K, but I want to have a little extra money besides that. My plan is to hopefully start working MORE once the kids get older. I have asked him about it, and he says he is just tired of how busy we are. He feels that we don't have enough extra time to do things as a family. I think that he is also tired of the chaos of dealing with four little kids by himself in the evening.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

You should both read the book called "his needs/her needs"... It covers both sides in your situation and should open up boh of your eyes to each others situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Ah, now we get to it!

He doesn't like dealing with the kids himself. OK, that's valid after he's worked all day. But there are a lot of solutions to that that don't involve you completely abandoning your career.

Good luck honey. Are you adjuncting? Been there. God bless ya


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

You know if you want to start working more hours you can probably budget in a housekeeper to at least keep the house chores in check, therefore leaving both of you more free time to play with the kids and each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Quit the homeschooling, enroll the kids in public school, thats why we pay taxes and your husbands take home pay is a third less than the gross income.

Home schooling doesn't give them any sort of advantage in getting into college or graduate school, infact the reverse is probably true. You're only doing it because you lack faith in the public school system or you're very religious. 

With the extra time you're going to save, get a real, full time job.

Money problems solved. 

I should really get paid for this great advice.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Ah, now we get to it!
> 
> He doesn't like dealing with the kids himself. OK, that's valid after he's worked all day. But there are a lot of solutions to that that don't involve you completely abandoning your career.
> 
> Good luck honey. Are you adjuncting? Been there. God bless ya


Adjunct is my middle name. LOL


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> You know if you want to start working more hours you can probably budget in a housekeeper to at least keep the house chores in check, therefore leaving both of you more free time to play with the kids and each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A housekeeper sounds great to me! I'll have to mention that one to DH.


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

I vote keep your job too. Remaining current in the workforce is important and it keeps you engaged in something outside the home. It will get easier to juggle once kids are older.

Best of luck~


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

totamm said:


> Quit the homeschooling, enroll the kids in public school, thats why we pay taxes and your husbands take home pay is a third less than the gross income.
> 
> Home schooling doesn't give them any sort of advantage in getting into college or graduate school, infact the reverse is probably true. You're only doing it because you lack faith in the public school system or you're very religious.
> 
> ...


I definitely don't want to turn this into a homeschooling debate, but I will respectfully disagree. If I worked full-time I would have to put the two youngest ones in daycare, and I don't want to do that. We could probably bring in at least 100K with both of us working full-time, but that is not what my husband and I want for our family when our kids are so young.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have invested a lot in your master’s degree. If I were you I would want to keep the ability to earn a living based on that degree. 

Perhaps the solution is not to quite work but to work more. For example take on another class to each. This will allow you to still work from home and earn more money. You could use some of the extra money to get some help with the children and household. And you will be building your ability to earn a living.

I’m an engineer. There was about a 3 year period when I did not work at a 9-5 job where I had to be in an office all day. He was almost 4 when I did this. What I did was I put him in a Montessori preschool for half day. Then I took a position at an consulting firm. I went into the office and saw clients while he was in school. Then I picked him up from school. For my second 4 hour shift of working for the day, I could work any time I wanted to. Sometimes I’d take him out for some fun activities and then work in the evening. Sometimes we go straight home and I’d work at home. I hired a high school girl go come and baby sit him when I worked in the afternoon. I’d also often invite over his friend who lived down the street so he’d have a playmate. She would watch both kids. Housework just got done in the breaks between doing things. 

If you hired someone like I did, it’s pretty inexpensive and you could work almost full time.

In this day and age, with alimony not being a norm any more and both men and women being expected to be self-supporting, I would not give up my ability to earn a living. And I don’t think it’s reasonable for your husband to ask that you do.


The home school will most likely have to go. Your husband alone does not earn enough money for this luxury. What do you do for the curriculum for home schooling? Each year’s, or each child and be expensive.

It sounds like your husband’s major objective is that the two of you are working different shifts. He has a valid point. This generally destroys marriages. The two of you need evenings to spend with your children and each other. So find a way to work during the day.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's not a lot to ask to keep working. My husband asked me to quit and to stay home with the kids. It took me a full year to put in my resignation. It took me 2 years to adjust to being a housewife since I was always on my feet, come home and run a few miles. I increased my running when I quit.

It can be done even with our health insurance costing 2k a month. I've always been as frugal as possible. We pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. 

My kids are older and I was planning on returning to work. In fact, my old company had asked me to come back on several occasions. Unfortunately, I broke my neck 4 years ago and now I'm housebound. I'll never be able to work or run again. I do love being at home. I consider us very blessed with everything we have. I keep busy, I love to cook/bake and I love the summers home with the kids. I do like my free time during the school year. My oldest just graduated last week from high school.

For a while(7 years) my husband picked up 2 part time jobs. They both paid well for how part time they were. One was teaching an online college course the other was through our own business. I was denied disability, but I never fought it. My husband now does 100% of the shopping. He's always come home and taken over kid duty to give me a break! It's not because he had to, he wanted to. He just quit the 2 part time jobs for a very good reason. 

I home schooled my one daughter last year for a few months while ill. I loved having her home and watching her learn. She has such great determination and loves learning. I do send them to school for the social aspect. We live out in the country and there are not too many friends nearby.

If your happy now, keep working. You are working part time and avoiding daycare(there's nothing wrong with daycare either). Your husband is being a little selfish by strongly suggesting to quit.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Thanks so much for the shared insights and experiences! I hadn't thought of working more so that we could ultimately have more time in the evenings. That is certainly a new thought to ponder...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

momtwo4 said:


> A housekeeper sounds great to me! I'll have to mention that one to DH.


I have it on good authority (my father) that a wife’s job it not to do all of the housework, scrub-floors, etc. It was to manage the household, the family and the money in conjunction with her husband. It was also to make sure that she could take over earning the family income if something happened to her husband. 

My grandparents, both maternal and paternal, made it through the great depression because of this attitude on both sides of the family. They told us that it seemed that when one of them could not find work, the other one was able to. And so they got through the depression much better than most because at least one of them was working at all times.

It is more cost effective for you to work and pay a house keeper then it is for you to do the work yourself. Even if you make $10/hr and you pay the housekeeper $10/hour, you are coming out ahead… because you are building your career that someday will pay you much more than $10/hr. 

In my case I earn many times more than a housekeeper makes. I’d rather work 2 hours over time and pay a house keeper to work 8 to 10 yours cleaning my house. Make sense?


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I have it on good authority (my father) that a wife’s job it not to do all of the housework, scrub-floors, etc. It was to manage the household, the family and the money in conjunction with her husband. It was also to make sure that she could take over earning the family income if something happened to her husband.
> 
> My grandparents, both maternal and paternal, made it through the great depression because of this attitude on both sides of the family. They told us that it seemed that when one of them could not find work, the other one was able to. And so they got through the depression much better than most because at least one of them was working at all times.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate that perspective. I do want to stay active in my career (although I can't really call it that right now). I invested SO much time and energy into getting my master's degree and I just don't want to give it all up. My husband is steadily moving forward in his career, and I'm so grateful to him for what he does for our family. But I'm also looking forward to becoming more active in the workforce in a few years.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Perhaps you could look at bringing in a teenager to watch the kids for a while in the evening so that your husband can have some time to unwind. That may be his unspoken need, to 'chill' after work.
The best option is open & honest communication ( I iknow, easier said than done!). Listen to each other's concerns.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I think sometimes you just have to accept that there are times in life when you can't achieve perfection or anything close and you more or less have to wait for them to pass. I don't mean by being complacent but by accepting that nothing is forever. 4 very young children is a HUGE juggling act these days but they will get older and be less dependent and untidy and you won't have to be hands on 24/7. Housework will be easier and little windows of opportunity open up. Absolutely make some 'tweaks' but try not to get too hung up on the current situation when it will change by itself over time.

We only have two children- it would have been easier for me not to work at one stage but I kept an eye on the future and stuck with it and it was the right thing.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> You should both read the book called "his needs/her needs"... It covers both sides in your situation and should open up boh of your eyes to each others situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just want to suggest you get the book His Needs / Her Needs by Dr. Harley. It's a great book in general and will help you work through future issues which are bound to come up given the complexity of your lives.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you don't invest in your marriage, you will wind up divorced or worse. You can't take your marriage for granted. Put your marriage high on your list of priorities in your life and go from there. In a marriage you should spend time with your spouse. Kids benefit most from a happy, secure marriage way more than they benefit from homeschooling. This is not necessarily about working, but putting a plan together where both you and your husband have a marriage where your emotional needs are met (including money, time togehter, fun, sex etc.).


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