# Frustrated, tired and pissed!



## ManUpOct09 (Oct 23, 2009)

Good morning, All.

This must be a sign ... I accidentally stumbled upon this site.
I'm as I stated above. Frustrated, tired and PISSED!

Frustrated - That I allowed myself (for the sake of the children), to stay in a marriage where I felt I was just going along to get along.

Tired - Tired of having a husband who thinks that by virtue of his penis and the fact that he has a job, makes him a man.

Pissed - That he won't ManUp on any level, as he thinks because he exsists, therefore he IS the man. 

Here is my brief story in a nutshell.
Six months ago, I finally told him that I'm tired of being sick and tired and can't do this marriage thing anymore - I want out.
I told him this was not an overnight decision, this has been brewing for years and done with stirring the pot.

As you can imagine, he was none to happy..But like I explained to him, when you're on the receiving end, nothing seems wrong, everything is right with the world. You see, my husband is OK with me being the Gardner, painter, plumber, electrician, carpenter, soccer mom, nurse, cook, housekeeper, transportation aide, etc. all while working a full-time job. He, however, does nothing ... Literally Nothing! He won't/refuses to change light bulbs, replace the cracked toilet seat, replace lose stair treads, load the dishwasher or place paper waste in the trash compactor. In my conversation with him, all of these things and more were part of the discussion of why I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and if I can do all this while he does nothing, I'd rather be doing them alone.

His excuse for not wanting to do "Man things" ... His quote " I learned long ago that I didn't want to do those sort of things and there for I'm not going to." What's worse, we have a three-family (investment property) he absolutely refuses to maintain. Here's but on example of his laziness and unwilling to do. Example: July '08, I had knee surgery and should've been recovering from knee surgery, day four into my recuperation ... I was up on a ladder painting one of the vacant apartments while he sat on his arse watching TV. We had tenants scheduled to move in, but the apartment was not ready, three rooms needed to be painted. He sent my young sons over to paint, of course not knowing how and he not showing them, they created a huge mess, in fact, two of the three rooms, two different colors. lol! I didn't fault them, I blamed the idiot on the sofa!

Fast forward ... He tells me via text how much money he makes verses me. He makes 40K more than I, yet can't show for it. I discovered during this time he blew (nickled and dimed) $12,500. Then to make matters worse, he goes to our Son-n-Law and talks badly about me and tells him that he told my teenage sons that I was abandoning them, blah, blah, blah.

I get a call from our daughter saying, what the heck is going?
I confront him with what he's done and while he didn't deny it, he didn't apologize either, stating that he thought his son-n-law was his friend and that he could trust him. He never once considered his actions to be harmful not just to me, but to our daughter and son-n-law. I'm furious! If I had ever given it a second thought about working things out with him via counselor, he etched the divorce in stone for me.

Sigh! Thanks for taking the time to read my post and by all means, comment.


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hi,

A male, married man here.

Hey dump him if so desired, he sounds like about 95% of males I personally know.

PS: I love housework to me its relaxing from a stressful business day, cooking call me the Iron Chef, kids I am the super nanny. I am a caregiver personally.

My only vices cigars and rum.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

It sounds like you have a right to be angry! I would be too!

However, before you walk away I'd say there are some things to consider regarding "your" part in this one-sided marriage. Have you heard of the term enabling? Every time he didn't "man-up" you did. Yes, it sounds like you have complained at times but for the most part it sounds like you've just kept doing and doing and doing (like the energizer bunny) all the while "enabling" your hubby to take advantage of you.

Now you're angry and you've come to the end of your rope. You're done! Fait accompli!

Okay, so where do you go from here? You haven't learned to set boundaries until it's too late and you set the "final" (or maybe only?) one in stone. The next relationship you get into will be the same. What about with the children, did you set boundaries for them or are they learning that if I just don't do for myself or others, that mom (or someone else) will step in and do? There are natural consequences to his behavior that would've motivated him to get up and "do" something. If YOU hadn't painted the apartment and left it how he took care of it (two different color paint in the rooms) then the new tenants would have complained. Who needs to deal with them? Uhhhh your hubby because HE took care of it. If he doesn't, what happens? You lose tenants and/or money .. ok that affects you BUT it also affects him and tells him, man-up or else YOU pay the price. That's a much smaller price than divorce for BOTH of you. You've sheltered him from every natural consequence over all of these years.

Now, I may have read your post wrong and if so please dump the above comments in the garbage. =) I won't be offended at all. If I didn't read it wrong, please FOR YOUR SAKE ... AND ... THE SAKE OF ALL THOSE IN YOUR LIFE, look at whether you can set smaller boundaries so that you don't end up with such a BIG disaster at the end of your patience.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## ManUpOct09 (Oct 23, 2009)

Lostandconfused-

Angry, yes! Rightfully so, Yes!

To some extent, I agree with you. While boundaries have been set, they are repeatedly ignored by him. With property and tenants, I can't afford to play the wait and see game with him. So yes, I do what needs to be done. The tenants I mentioned previously, didn't end up moving in. In fact cost us BIG TIME! It was too much work (paint) for me to do and with no money to hire, the tenants socked us with a hefty expense bill, moving fees they incurred, storage fees and hotel stay until the apartment was rented. Once it was finally completed, they had secured another place to stay, we had to give back the security deposit and the 1st months rent. This did not even phase my husband and we haven't had another tenant move in since! 

My sons - one is in college, the other to go in 2012. They don't wait for me to do anything for them. In fact, I've taught them how to do minor plumbing (replacing toilets), minor electrical (installing light fixtures),carpentry and cook. They can hold their own.

The situation he created with my son-n-law has split the family. My son-n-law does not feel comfortable around us, there's an awkwardness, family gatherings are strained.
Thanksgiving is going to be quite interesting.

I'm at the point where I can't stand to even look at him, much less talk to him. I retire in 13yrs and can't see myself retiring with him.

While this forum is very helpful, it's hard conveying everything that's going on. Thanks for your comments, I appreciate them.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

I'm sorry to hear that he's chosen to ignore the opportunity to learn from his natural consequences. I'm thrilled to hear that you have set boundaries. You are now at the point you know what you choose to do.

There's no telling whether he will learn from this very sad, natural consequence or not and even if he does learn if there is any possibility it will be in time to save the marriage. He has a long way to go before he learns enough to improve consistently and permanently.

The awkward, strained holidays and family gatherings are unfortunately another natural consequence that you have the "joy" of sharing with him. I'm so sorry. It is miserable.

Be true to yourself as you do what you need to do while taking care of yourself.

Praying,
Lost


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## ManUpOct09 (Oct 23, 2009)

Yes, I know what I must do. Even with divorce knocking at his door, he is not willing to change. In fact, stated such. "What you see is what you get" and "I'm not going to change" So, it is, what it is. DONE!

He walks around looking pitiful and depressed, yet won't refuses to even attempt to change. He was on vacation for a week and didn't tell me. Ok, I dealt with that. However, I can't deal with the fact he did NOTHING but sit and watch tv, everyday, all day.

Oh wait ... He grilled meat on the grill and when I came home from work, he proudly announced ... "I cook a meat for dinner, if you want something to go with it, you'll have to make it yourself." LOL! Yea, right! I kindly exited and took myself out to dinner after a long day at work. Mind you, during his week vacation, he could've taken an hour or two each day and painted the vacant tenant apartment. Sigh!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

ManUpOct09 said:


> His excuse for not wanting to do "Man things" ... His quote " I learned long ago that I didn't want to do those sort of things and there for I'm not going to."
> ...
> Fast forward ... He tells me via text how much money he makes verses me. He makes 40K more than I, yet can't show for it.


Since he is 'the man' and pulls in so much more cash than you, and he refuses to do necessary work because 'he doesn't like it'...he should hire out the work & pay for it.


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## ManUpOct09 (Oct 23, 2009)

*Yes, makes more than I, but can't show for it!* Swedish, I wish it were all that simple. He doesn't even want to take on the task of looking for professional workers, he expects me to do and then when they are here, he won't deal with them. He'll make them wait/hold-up the job until his wife comes home from work. Pathetic!

In terms of paying the workers ... He'd rather spend his money on gadgets. Anything than he can put to his eye or plug into the computer. The only bills he 1/2-way pays are cable, cell phone and food. All the things he likes to do ... Watch TV (Sports), have internet access via cable and have/use a nice cell phone (Every time a new one comes out on the market, he's gotta have it!) and eat. Paying people to do work is an after thought.


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