# Am I a pushover?



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

I'm pretty sure I may have posted about this a long time ago and if so I apologize for the duplicate topic, but I just need some advice on how to handle my spouse's CONSTANT barking of orders. Please do not get me wrong. I always do my fair share around the house and take the initiative to handle things that come up. What is happening, and has been happening for a long time, is that my spouse constantly asks me to do things. I cannot sit down for a few minutes or do something else that I am working on without hearing her yell my name and then "can you.." or "will you.." or "please do this.." or "I thought you were going to do..." It is getting so annoying. I don't do that to her. Am I a pushover for allowing this to continue? I feel like she's my boss and I'm her employee. I don't feel like marriage should be that way. It's hurting how I feel about her. I brought this up to her the other day to ask her if she was aware that she was doing this. She basically brushed me off. So things continue. I literally spent several hours out in the yard doing some cleanup yesterday and 5 minutes after I come inside to sit down and rest she comes over to where I'm sitting and asked why I was sitting down. Other times when I'm trying to have down time she's coming over saying we need to talk about another vacation. We just took a vacation last month and it nearly broke us. She asks every day and even gets to the point where she says I can't play XBox or watch TV until we have a plan in place. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like if I say no it's going to blow up big time and I'll be sleeping on the couch. Any ideas?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Stand firm
Be helpful according to your own plan. Orders be damned.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Eventually I’d give her a two word answer. 
The second word is off.


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Eventually I’d give her a two word answer.
> The second word is off.


I say that under my breath a lot


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Controlling Spouse...Need Advice


I don’t know what else to do. My wife of 15 years acts as if I am her employee and she is the boss. I can’t be around her or talk to her through the phone/text without it turning into another chore for me to complete. She CONSTANTLY tells me to do things and it's getting very annoying...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com












Wife's constant asking me to do random things comes...


Before I get into the details, just know that I do my part around the house (chores, errands, kid activities, finances, etc). I am in no way trying to get out of helping around the house. I actually enjoy maintaining our house and keeping it running smoothly. But, I am starting to feel like...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





The only thing that seems to change is the date


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Controlling Spouse...Need Advice
> 
> 
> I don’t know what else to do. My wife of 15 years acts as if I am her employee and she is the boss. I can’t be around her or talk to her through the phone/text without it turning into another chore for me to complete. She CONSTANTLY tells me to do things and it's getting very annoying...
> ...


Yeah, exactly. The behavior hasn't changed.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ugh, that has to be so suffocating to live with someone like this, OP. But she does it because you let her. I wish it was more complex than that or there was some magical answer to fix the issue, but you just have to discuss with her how you feel and that you don’t appreciate being ordered around.

If she doesn’t respect that, maybe counseling? Maybe a separation?

She may be unaware of how this affects you because you always do what she asks/demands. Telling her no might cause tension but it’s necessary for your own peace of mind.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

It only happens because you let it.

When she comes at you with her list of "honey do's" my response would be "honey F off".


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DawgFan79 said:


> Any ideas?


Yep, reread your previous threads and actually apply the advice you were given previously.

At the end of the day though, being as conflict avoidant as you are. If you're not willing to do anything about it, then nothing will change for you.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Personal said:


> Yep, reread your previous threads and actually apply the advice you were given previously.
> 
> At the end of the day though, being as conflict avoidant as you are. If you're not willing to do anything about it, then nothing will change for you.


^^^THIS^^^
You got a lot of good advice the last time around. Not doing anything except coming back here and whining about it will leave you in the same boat. Quit your whining and take some action.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Deidre* said:


> Ugh, that has to be so suffocating to live with someone like this, OP. But she does it because you let her. I wish it was more complex than that or there was some magical answer to fix the issue, but you just have to discuss with her how you feel and that you don’t appreciate being ordered around.
> 
> If she doesn’t respect that, maybe counseling? Maybe a separation?
> 
> She may be unaware of how this affects you because you always do what she asks/demands. Telling her no might cause tension but it’s necessary for your own peace of mind.


She's aware.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> She's aware.


Oh. Aware, but doesn’t care. 

Not having a moment’s peace is borderline emotional abuse, imo.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There’ve been a couple threads on this. You said you were close to the end over six months ago. She’s still the same and you’re still there. Stand up for yourself or accept this is your life because … you know.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop being your own problem.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If you have to ask yourself if you're being a pushover, you already know the answer.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

DawgFan79 said:


> Yeah, exactly. The behavior hasn't changed.


Your behavior needs to change too.

We get what we tolerate OP.

Keep tolerating it and you can make another post a few years from now too.

You can go to counseling for yourself. There are many things to read like No More Mister Nice Guy and it's free online, pdf versions to download.

You should really start with that book first.

Good luck to you going forward.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

@DawgFan79 - are you afraid that if you stand up for yourself, your wife will leave? What are the positives in your marriage?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DawgFan79 said:


> Am I a pushover for allowing this to continue?


Yes.



DawgFan79 said:


> I brought this up to her the other day to ask her if she was aware that she was doing this. She basically brushed me off.


Well of course she did. As long as you remain in doormat status, she'll continue to wipe her feet on you. 



DawgFan79 said:


> ...she's coming over saying we need to talk about another vacation. *We just took a vacation last month and it nearly broke us. *She asks every day and even gets to the point where she says I can't play XBox or watch TV until we have a plan in place. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like if I say no it's going to blow up big time and I'll be sleeping on the couch. Any ideas?


So "mommy" is threatening to take away your XBox or tv viewing privileges unless you obey her commands. Got it. Even if it means going broke, you will acquiesce like you always do.

Meanwhile, you are afraid of incurring her wrath. 

My idea is this: YOU are an integral part of the problem in this mother-and-son dynamic. You can man up, tell her to f-off, and give her an ultimatum: It will require you to shelve your current beta status and take charge.

Your life. Your choice.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

*Am I a pushover?*
I think the more appropriate title would be: Does my wife has my balls somewhere, I can't find them?


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I don’t know if pushover is exactly the right word but you’ve got to change the marriage dynamic. I suggest changing it through communication and not passive aggressiveness. 
Ex- have a conversation with wife that the way she speaks to you is disrespectful and needs to stop. Need to speak to each other as husband and wife. She is not your mother. If she feels things around the house are not getting down on time or need to be figured out then suggest a time one day a week to discuss household issues once and that’s it unless a true emergency arises.
Make it clear that you do not desire to vacation with your mother!!
OP, I know you have received a lot of advice on this already. It’s hard to change marriage dynamics sometimes when stuff has gone on too long. You can’t keep going the way you are and expect a happy marriage. You’re going to have to do the hard work. See a counselor to help you with communication and communicate with your wife. If she chooses to keep the status quo and not come along then you’re going to have to draw the line in the sand.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

DawgFan79 said:


> She asks every day and even gets to the point where she says I can't play XBox or watch TV until we have a plan in place. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like if I say no it's going to blow up big time and I'll be sleeping on the couch. Any ideas?


She's not your boss or your mom. You don't have to put up with this. So what if she blows up? That's just a manipulation tactic. If she tells you to sleep on the couch, tell her no. If she chooses to, let her. There is no easy, magic, answer. You must take a stand, calm but firm.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As long as you’re scared of her reaction, she gets what she wants. And she knows that very well. If you don’t like it then it’s up to you to change things because it works just fine for her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I know this woman well, and not good.
There is no making, that they will age better.
Aging brings aches and pains, and that creaking crankiness.


_Are Dee-_


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Using the example of you coming in from doing yard work & sitting down, when she asked you what you were doing, how did you answer her? Did you point blank say "I'm sitting down after doing hours of yard work"? Perhaps if you are more direct when she inquires she will be less demanding. 

When she says you have to plan another vacation, how about saying "no, the last one almost broke us"? 

There are ways to be responsive without causing a fight. You also need to develop some selective hearing & ignore her when she gets like this. When she asks what you are doing say "I'm ignoring you. When you start talking to me civilly like I'm your spouse / partner & not your employee that you can boss around I'll respond."


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I think you should work with a therapist on this.

The challenge here is to get comfortable changing your behavior. The opportunity is to make your behavior serve your purposes and enjoyment in life.

Yes, you are doing it wrong. That’s what comes easiest to you now. You can learn to do differently. As you learn, and put what you learn into action, it will become easier. She will adjust, or not, but you’ll be happier either way.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DawgFan79 said:


> Yeah, exactly. The behavior hasn't changed.


That's because you allow it to continue. From now on, you need to learn to say a very little word. That word is NO. She isn't your mom. Wow she's going to give you a time out from playing xbox? And you put up with that ? Andy is right (f off), tell her you are taking a break and if she wants it done, she can do it herself, and DO NOT give in to her nagging. If she continues tell her that's it, I'm going out and leave (and turn off your phone).
STAND UP TO HER or this will never change.


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

DawgFan79 said:


> I'm pretty sure I may have posted about this a long time ago and if so I apologize for the duplicate topic, but I just need some advice on how to handle my spouse's CONSTANT barking of orders. Please do not get me wrong. I always do my fair share around the house and take the initiative to handle things that come up. What is happening, and has been happening for a long time, is that my spouse constantly asks me to do things. I cannot sit down for a few minutes or do something else that I am working on without hearing her yell my name and then "can you.." or "will you.." or "please do this.." or "I thought you were going to do..." It is getting so annoying. I don't do that to her. Am I a pushover for allowing this to continue? I feel like she's my boss and I'm her employee. I don't feel like marriage should be that way. It's hurting how I feel about her. I brought this up to her the other day to ask her if she was aware that she was doing this. She basically brushed me off. So things continue. I literally spent several hours out in the yard doing some cleanup yesterday and 5 minutes after I come inside to sit down and rest she comes over to where I'm sitting and asked why I was sitting down. Other times when I'm trying to have down time she's coming over saying we need to talk about another vacation. We just took a vacation last month and it nearly broke us. She asks every day and even gets to the point where she says I can't play XBox or watch TV until we have a plan in place. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like if I say no it's going to blow up big time and I'll be sleeping on the couch. Any ideas?


grow some balls man it will lead to arguments for a time but then do the same to her asking why she is sitting doing nothing when you have washing to be dont shopping to be got.and all the other things you have to do as your share of the partnership.dont let her bully you play x box if you want and if she turns it off take the plug off and dont fix it unti an apology comes your way.it will be a rocky road now that you have shown her your a pushover be a man and by that i mean an equal not a servant.o ff the tv not your x box


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

DawgFan79 said:


> I'm pretty sure I may have posted about this a long time ago and if so I apologize for the duplicate topic, but I just need some advice on how to handle my spouse's CONSTANT barking of orders. Please do not get me wrong. I always do my fair share around the house and take the initiative to handle things that come up. What is happening, and has been happening for a long time, is that my spouse constantly asks me to do things. I cannot sit down for a few minutes or do something else that I am working on without hearing her yell my name and then "can you.." or "will you.." or "please do this.." or "I thought you were going to do..." It is getting so annoying. I don't do that to her. Am I a pushover for allowing this to continue? I feel like she's my boss and I'm her employee. I don't feel like marriage should be that way. It's hurting how I feel about her. I brought this up to her the other day to ask her if she was aware that she was doing this. She basically brushed me off. So things continue. I literally spent several hours out in the yard doing some cleanup yesterday and 5 minutes after I come inside to sit down and rest she comes over to where I'm sitting and asked why I was sitting down. Other times when I'm trying to have down time she's coming over saying we need to talk about another vacation. We just took a vacation last month and it nearly broke us. She asks every day and even gets to the point where she says I can't play XBox or watch TV until we have a plan in place. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like if I say no it's going to blow up big time and I'll be sleeping on the couch. Any ideas?


Does your wife have any close friends, or close family she socialises with at times or any hobbies?
Perhaps if your wife became more active with people or hobbies and could pursue her own interests she would get off your back.
What you`re describing sometimes happens when couples are together in the same enviroment for too long then start getting on each others nerves, with the situation becoming more and more irritating.
Another case of what I describe as domestic bliss.
This mode needs to broken for things to change.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Looking for a serious answer here:

Why are you scared of her? What is it that you fear?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)




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