# Situation at work



## it_wasn't_penalty

I wanted to post this on the general relationship advice but probably given as i'm a new member this section is the only one i can post for the time being.

I am a male in my mid 30s, single, no attachments and I wanted advice or opinions about some kind of situation at work.

There is one woman co worker i happen to work with occasionally, but not too often and so far we appear to understand each other and be on good terms. Last week i asked her out and she told me she had a boyfriend but then she also said that she was willing to go out as long as it wasn't a date. Then i replied her that it was better if we didn't go out at all. On that occasion she told me that she hoped to se me again before saying good bye, given that we work together occasionally we are not sure when the next time we work together will be.

I saw her again at work after that and we pretty much behaved as usual, but i'm wondering if maybe i ought to ask her out anyway or at least ask her phone number.


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## sunsetmist

it_wasn't_penalty said:


> I wanted to post this on the general relationship advice but probably given as i'm a new member this section is the only one i can post for the time being.
> 
> I am a male in my mid 30s, single, no attachments and I wanted advice or opinions about some kind of situation at work.
> 
> There is one woman co worker i happen to work with occasionally, but not too often and so far we appear to understand each other and be on good terms. Last week i asked her out and she told me she had a boyfriend but then she also said that she was willing to go out as long as it wasn't a date. *Then i replied her that it was better if we didn't go out at all*. On that occasion she told me that she hoped to se me again before saying good bye, given that we work together occasionally we are not sure when the next time we work together will be.
> 
> I saw her again at work after that and we pretty much behaved as usual, but i'm wondering if maybe i ought to ask her out anyway or at least ask her phone number.


NNOOOOOO. Why would you want to 'pretend not date' someone who is going out on her boyfriend???? Your above bolded reply is truth!


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## FalCod

Put me down for 'no'.

Let's look at some possibilities.

She doesn't really have a boyfriend. In this case, she lied because she isn't really into you but then thought it might be worthwhile to keep an opening just in case it would be useful to her.

She has a boyfriend but likes your company and is OK with being friends. That doesn't sound like what you want, so you are setting yourself up for heartache.

She has a boyfriend but is considering cheating on him. Is that someone you want to be with?

What's the scenario that you are hoping for? I don't see anything good coming from you romantically pursuing her. Maybe you can elaborate on why you think this might not be a bad idea.


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## it_wasn't_penalty

FalCod said:


> What's the scenario that you are hoping for? I don't see anything good coming from you romantically pursuing her. Maybe you can elaborate on why you think this might not be a bad idea.




I was thinking that i might hang out with her anyway since i'm single, i don't see how there's much for me to lose in this scenario.


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## Ed3n

it_wasn't_penalty said:


> I was thinking that i might hang out with her anyway since i'm single, i don't see how there's much for me to lose in this scenario.


You may not have much to lose, but she does. Don't ask out a woman who has made it clear that she has a boyfriend. Are you really that desperate that you have to fish in another man's pond? I am guessing you have never dealt with a protective and p*ssed off boyfriend. Do yourself a favor and try to keep it that way. 

Think with the head on your shoulders, seriously.


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## Andy1001

it_wasn't_penalty said:


> I was thinking that i might hang out with her anyway since i'm single, i don't see how there's much for me to lose in this scenario.


How will you feel if you are hanging out together and some guy hits on her and she leaves with him?
She has made it clear she doesn’t see you as boyfriend material and then she threw you a few breadcrumbs by saying she would hang out with you but made it clear it wouldn’t be a date.
She knows that you are attracted to her and she is willing to meet you outside your work environment?
Not a very classy person I would say.


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## ConanHub

Call her boyfriend and make sure he is ok with it.


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## FeministInPink

No, let this one go. She has a boyfriend, and is therefore not available, or she doesn't have a boyfriend and made one up, in which case she isn't into you.

Platonic male/female friendships are possible, but only when neither person is interested in more. You, my friend, are interested in more, so it will never really be a friendship because you'll always want more... and you're settling for friendship in the hope that they will break up and you'll get a shot.

Let this one go, and find a woman who is available.

You guys can be friendly at work. Leave it at that.


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## Lostinthought61

If the roles were reversed would you want your gf hanging around a single male coworker? Move on for now..tell her if her situation ever changes call you but otherwise you respect her relationship.


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## red oak

ConanHub said:


> Call her boyfriend and make sure he is ok with it.


:iagree:

Just remember you take a risk on losing your job if you upset either one.


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## MAJDEATH

What does she look like on a scale of 1 to 10? Is it worth it?


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## FalCod

it_wasn't_penalty said:


> I was thinking that i might hang out with her anyway since i'm single, i don't see how there's much for me to lose in this scenario.



If she's solidly in your friend zone and you are in hers, and it's done entirely aboveboard with her BF fully in the know, I'd say do it. I see no problem with having friends of different genders. But don't use this "hang out" thing as a cover for making a move on her or waiting in the wings until her BF is out of the picture. That'll very likely fail.


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## it_wasn't_penalty

MAJDEATH said:


> What does she look like on a scale of 1 to 10? Is it worth it?



I'd say an 8 to 8,5 depending on different standards


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## skerzoid

If you were her boyfriend, & she was setting up something like this, how would you react? Is her boyfriend stable? Is he a Black Belt, former Marine, Mafia Don, weightlifter, biker, or felon? 

Lets say that this becomes a relationship. How would HR look at it?

What have you got to lose? My respect.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

FalCod said:


> Put me down for 'no'.
> 
> Let's look at some possibilities.
> 
> She doesn't really have a boyfriend. In this case, she lied because she isn't really into you but then thought it might be worthwhile to keep an opening just in case it would be useful to her.
> 
> She has a boyfriend but likes your company and is OK with being friends. That doesn't sound like what you want, so you are setting yourself up for heartache.
> 
> She has a boyfriend but is considering cheating on him. Is that someone you want to be with?
> 
> What's the scenario that you are hoping for? I don't see anything good coming from you romantically pursuing her. Maybe you can elaborate on why you think this might not be a bad idea.


Bingo! 

Pick an above circumstance that you see fits her verbal and nonverbal signs, and act as you desire.

Good luck!.

PS, its mostly risky dating a work associate. But this may be appropriate. Obviously your call.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Ed3n said:


> You may not have much to lose, but she does. Don't ask out a woman who has made it clear that she has a boyfriend. Are you really that desperate that you have to fish in another man's pond? I am guessing you have never dealt with a protective and p*ssed off boyfriend. Do yourself a favor and try to keep it that way.
> 
> Think with the head on your shoulders, seriously.


But, and it's my initial opinion, she doesn't really have a boyfriend. 

So OP can at worst go out, and practice his dating skills while getting a meal with company. That works for some single persons.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

it_wasn't_penalty said:


> I'd say an 8 to 8,5 depending on different standards


I'd go out. Another possibility, you can use her as a wingman, you may be the one getting hit on. 😎😎


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

skerzoid said:


> If you were her boyfriend, & she was setting up something like this, how would you react? Is her boyfriend stable? Is he a Black Belt, former Marine, Mafia Don, weightlifter, biker, or felon?
> 
> Lets say that this becomes a relationship. How would HR look at it?
> 
> What have you got to lose? My respect.


Awww c'mon. 

Boyfriend can mean anything from a person she's dated three times to a rock steady with a future guy. She hasn't said.

If you think you, your reputation, and work can't be hurt, and you're fully aware it may indeed bomb but what the heck, if you want to just go for it.

Later she may ask why you didn't ask her again anyway. Women are that way.


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## sunsetmist

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Awww c'mon.
> 
> Boyfriend can mean anything from a person she's dated three times to a rock steady with a future guy. She hasn't said.
> 
> If you think you, your reputation, and work can't be hurt, and you're fully aware it may indeed bomb but what the heck, if you want to just go for it.
> 
> Later she may ask why you didn't ask her again anyway. *Women are that way.*


Awww c'mon. Not excited about the above bolded comment. Some men have a tendency to generalize when giving advice to others.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

You're right. 

I should have said "women can be, are sometimes " that way.

😘


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## red oak

In a small town the original question wouldn't even have been a consideration.
Whether she does or doesn't have a boyfriend, would you really want a relationship to start that way?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Ain't that the truth.


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## Ed3n

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> But, and it's my initial opinion, she doesn't really have a boyfriend.
> 
> So OP can at worst go out, and practice his dating skills while getting a meal with company. That works for some single persons.


If she said no, she said no. It doesn't matter if her boyfriend is real or not. No means she isn't interested. To ask her again reeks of desperation, and the OP is better off finding someone who actually wants his company. 

Men who have assumed that when I say I am married I am making it up, and continue to ask me out, have ALWAYS irritated me. I am married, but more to the point, I can say no. If men don't want a bad reaction from a woman, take the first no as an answer, and move on to someone else.


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## Diana7

it_wasn't_penalty said:


> I wanted to post this on the general relationship advice but probably given as i'm a new member this section is the only one i can post for the time being.
> 
> I am a male in my mid 30s, single, no attachments and I wanted advice or opinions about some kind of situation at work.
> 
> There is one woman co worker i happen to work with occasionally, but not too often and so far we appear to understand each other and be on good terms. Last week i asked her out and she told me she had a boyfriend but then she also said that she was willing to go out as long as it wasn't a date. Then i replied her that it was better if we didn't go out at all. On that occasion she told me that she hoped to se me again before saying good bye, given that we work together occasionally we are not sure when the next time we work together will be.
> 
> I saw her again at work after that and we pretty much behaved as usual, but i'm wondering if maybe i ought to ask her out anyway or at least ask her phone number.


She is in a relationship so leave her alone. How would you feel if you had a girlfriend and another man asked her out knowing this? As for her agreeing if its not a date?????
It would be a date and I have to wonder at her lack of boundaries being that she is in a relationship .


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## BioFury

it_wasn't_penalty said:


> I was thinking that i might hang out with her anyway since i'm single, i don't see how there's much for me to lose in this scenario.


This isn't about you. They're in a relationship, so you should respect that, and stay away.

Treat others the way you would want to be treated.


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## wilson

it_wasn't_penalty said:


> I was thinking that i might hang out with her anyway since i'm single, i don't see how there's much for me to lose in this scenario.


Yes and no. While there's nothing inherently wrong with going to lunch with a woman, it can have the potential for messing with your feelings. It sounds like you like her in a romantic way, so you're not really going because she's a friend. You probably like that somewhat romantic feeling of being around her. You may develop a crush, which may mean you focus your attention on her rather than finding someone who is available. You may idealize your relationship with her and create non-realistic scenarios. Those kinds of behaviors can be unhealthy if you start to fall into them.

There's also the issue of her boyfriend. Assuming he's real, he probably wouldn't like her going to lunch with a guy who's interested in her. It's one thing to go out with a co-worker, but it's another when that co-worker is trying to cross over into a more serious relationship.

Have you ever heard of the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"? There's also a website if you want to check it out. It would be worth taking a look and seeing if you fit the mold of the "Nice Guy" they describe. It's hard to tell from just the few posts you have, but I'm kind of getting a vibe that it might be relevant for you.


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