# Is it too much to ask?



## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

My husband has been on this forum for some time now, I'm almost too scared to read what he has wrote about me. All I know is that I've tried so hard to be supportive of him but everytime when things are going good he thinks of an excuse to mess everything up! I have to brace myself everytime! He always has reservations about our marriage, and I'm climbing mountains just to make him happy but it never seems to be enough. I cook for him, I keep our house clean for him, I've never turned him down when he wants me, but it's never enough for him! And I don't believe that he has a lower sex drive either. I don't know where it all goes, some days he's sooo passionate then other days he pushes me away. I'm so tired of the rollercoaster ride and the games he plays.

All I ask is from him is to stop pushing me away and doubting us! It's like he doesn't care how I feel and only cares about himself. He doesn't even give me a chance to listen to him. He just shuts off and hides in his room and I have to drag him to bed all the time. I know I haven't been supportive of him before but I've changed. I just wish he can forgive me. I know I shouldn't be here because I promised him but I'm so desperate now. Maybe you can talk some sense into him.

He just doesn't listen to me!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So you don't talk to me, but instead decide to flame me in public instead? That's rich...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> So you don't talk to me, but instead decide to flame me in public instead? That's rich...


uh, just to be fair, you don't seem to mind telling us all about her, so being upset about her being in here seems.......to be a bit hypocritical.

Unloved11.... you have to tell the story from your perspective to learn whether or not you have to change your way of thinking instead of instantly asking to change/help your partner. Most of the time you find you help your partner by helping yourself.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, if you promised him you wouldn't come on here, then did without discussing it first, that's not good.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Unloved, if you are really RD's wife, my heart goes out to you. 

He seems to have a lot of internal/self-loathing issues it seems and it takes them out on you, including the fact that you are not one of his "people."

Caling a spade a spade.

You guys need therapy & communication. A LOT of it.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

DawnD said:


> uh, just to be fair, you don't seem to mind telling us all about her, so being upset about her being in here seems.......to be a bit hypocritical.
> 
> Unloved11.... you have to tell the story from your perspective to learn whether or not you have to change your way of thinking instead of instantly asking to change/help your partner. Most of the time you find you help your partner by helping yourself.


:iagree: we have his perspective on whats going on but whats your side?


also sidenote: please tell me you 2 arent sitting next to each other on the couch posting away


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Unloved11 said:


> Maybe you can talk some sense into him.


No comment.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`m sorry Random but I think I`m going to enjoy this.


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## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

He promised me on new years that he's over it!

What am I doing wrong? I've done everything he has ever asked of me! I also think he's using his people as an excuse to bring problems into our relationship, I've met many of them and they aren't like that! They just don't care only he does!

He thinks too much all the time, he rejects me in public because he thinks the whole world is out to get us, he tells me he needs space but then he treats me like a roommate when I give him that!


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Unloved11,
You've got your hands full with the "Drama King"
Good Luck and Best Wishes!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> please tell me you 2 arent sitting next to each other on the couch posting away


Ridiculous isn't it?



> What am I doing wrong? I've done everything he has ever asked of me! I also think he's using his people as an excuse to bring problems into our relationship, I've met many of them and they aren't like that! They just don't care only he does!


I've told you before, they don't hate you, they hate ME. Of course they're nice to you.



> He thinks too much all the time, he rejects me in public because he thinks the whole world is out to get us, he tells me he needs space but then he treats me like a roommate when I give him that!


Ok first of all, I don't think the WHOLE WORLD is out to get us, but this area is not suited for us. I've already offered so many times for us to move to a better neighborhood but you refuse.

As for you giving me space, sometimes I just need it longer then usual. You just can't be patient can you?

You already know everything and I don't know why you're doing this, to embarrass me as much as possible so that I no longer have my little outlet? Good luck with that


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> You already know everything and I don't know why you're doing this, to embarrass me as much as possible so that I no longer have my little outlet? Good luck with that


Why are you obsessed with thinking she is out to "embarrass" you??


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Because Random doesn`t like to air his laundry in public.

I rarely respond to randoms posts because he never gives enough info to make an informed decision on what kind of advice to give him.

He hints around at things but doesn`t ever expose the meat of the matter.

This in itself may be something he needs to address in his relationship but..I wouldn`t know because I don`t have enough info.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Actually after writing my previous post off the top of my head I do have enough info to give some insight.

Random doesn`t like opening up yet here he is "trying" to open up.

I sometimes find his posts frustrating because I just can`t ever get to the meat of the matter in them.

If he communicates in this way with his wife I could understand she may be a bit frustrated.

You don`t have to expose yourself here Random but if you can`t expose your underbelly to your woman you`re denying yourself something that most people never even have a shot at.

It`s true, she may gut you, lord knows it`s happened to me but she may just protect you and sincerely give you safe harbor.
That`d be nice if she did wouldn`t it?
That`d be ****ing sweet!

You`ll never know unless you open up and take a chance on the gutting.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> You already know everything and I don't know why you're doing this, to embarrass me as much as possible so that I no longer have my little outlet? Good luck with that


How can you get embarrassed on an internet message board where you are anonymous?

Like any of these people know who you are in real life?

Let it go buddy.

The truth shall set you free.


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## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

I am NOT a nymphomaniac!!! Gosh I hate it when he calls me that... I do enjoy sex but it's not like I can't live without it. I just don't like it when he pushes me away. And I didn't marry him because he was "badass" or anything like that, I'm not stupid. That's just what he tells himself for some reason.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Random ~ You need to consider this; at least she cared enough to get on this forum and post. Some spouses would have just said screw you and then badmouthed the other spouse to a friend.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No one hates you, RD...well, at least I don't. If I did, I wouldn't respond to your whiny posts 

That being said, you come here looking for change...change that you will not implement for any long period of time because you don't like the uncomfortable feeling it gives you. That alone would drive anyone crazy who isn't on the inside (like your wife).

I truly believe that a part of you, RD, likes the drama of the situation. Maybe you've never had a mellow relationship where things just flow. You try to control EVERYTHING and end up being out of control. Just let go, man.

The fact that your wife is here is a good thing. Things you can't say to her face can be addressed here and maybe something good will come out of it.

But living in your constant state of upheaval will only perpetuate the issues. 

Get real, get raw. Cut away the walls and the ego and just set yourself free and see what happens. I promise the world won't come crashing down.

And to Unloved, my impression (from what I've read from him) is that he worries too much of what you'll think about him. I sense a deep divide between the two of you which won't help a marriage. The silent treatments and all of that is no way to bring a couple closer. he's going to eff up. You're going to eff up. That's life. But the beauty of life is that you can grow and learn from mistakes and keep moving forward.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Unloved11 said:


> I am NOT a nymphomaniac!!! Gosh I hate it when he calls me that... I do enjoy sex but it's not like I can't live without it. I just don't like it when he pushes me away. And I didn't marry him because he was "badass" or anything like that, I'm not stupid. That's just what he tells himself for some reason.


=/
Three times a day = Nympho
Just admit it, it's a problem

And don't you start with that, I'm not looking forward to another fight. We've talked about this.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> =/
> Three times a day = Nympho
> Just admit it, it's a problem
> 
> And don't you start with that, I'm not looking forward to another fight. We've talked about this.


Is it possible your wife feels that the greatest level of connection she gets with you is during sex?


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## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

This is not my problem! You never used to complain until we got married, and 3x isn't much compared to what we used to do. You're just afraid of intimacy that's what it is! I don't know what happened to you, at least I have a HEALTHY sex drive

You need counselling and you know it


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## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

It's not that I need sex to feel a connection, I just enjoy it like everybody else


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Unloved11 said:


> It's not that I need sex to feel a connection, I just enjoy it like everybody else


I wasn’t implying anything in a bad way on your part.

The best sex I’ve ever had in my life has been with a guy who is so fearful of emotional intimacy. We both admit that neither one of us has ever connected that way with anyone else. He is fully aware of his emotional issues and currently in counseling to try and figure it all out.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Unloved11 said:


> This is not my problem! You never used to complain until we got married, and 3x isn't much compared to what we used to do. You're just afraid of intimacy that's what it is! I don't know what happened to you, at least I have a HEALTHY sex drive
> 
> You need counselling and you know it


If you want sex three times a day every day in my book that is exceptionally unhealthy. No man can possibly keep that up and will always think of his wife as never ever being sexually or emotionally satisfied. When in reality one of a man’s biggest needs is for his wife to be satisfied.


I reckon you should see a psychologist/counsellor about your "sexual needs".


There are things in life other than sex that bind and bond people together. Work on those things, sports, projects, interests etc.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Trenton said:


> I think Random fits many of the characteristics of Boderline Personality Disorder. I love you, I hate you, please don't leave me!
> 
> I don't know you, Unloved11, only know that you are a nympho that Random thinks is smart, kind and generous. He seems to flux between thinking you are too good for him to smothering him and he seems to have major issues with the distance in ethnicity between the two of you. He also seems majorly adverse to any type of stability.
> 
> ...


Just wanted to say, this is the most articulate summary I've seen thus far. Very well said! 

An important thing I see here in this thread is that both RD and Unloved need a mediator to help them sort through all the feelings and obstacles. They could probably both do well with IC as well, to help them see how each contributes to the dynamic. No one person here is a victim - they both play a role that enables the other.

The best thing is, they are both here on a marriage forum to talk about their marriage and get things started. While messy, it's beautiful.

RD and Unloved - I sincerely wish you the best. I sometimes am not sure what advice to give, because the posts sometimes seem one-sided and lacking detail, as another poster mentioned. It would be much easier to pick one topic and start with that - such as the sex thing. I think we can start dissecting one issue at a time, but really the two of you should seek professional help. All we can do here is offer our opinions, and we are not trained experts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

that_girl, I have never thought less of him when he's being honest with me, he has trust issues though that he doesn't want to change... And I know I shouldn't give him the cold treatment but sometimes I just don't know how to deal with him!

Afeh, you don't know my husband like I do, if I didn't think he could do it I wouldn't expect it from him. I've went without sex for years before I met my husband so it's not like I can't live without it.


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## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

Thanks Yinprincess, right now I just hope we can get through this wall that he erects and tries to protect himself with, from his own wife!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:slap:

Bah, not worth it


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Unloved11 said:


> Afeh, you don't know my husband like I do, if I didn't think he could do it I wouldn't expect it from him. I've went without sex for years before I met my husband so it's not like I can't live without it.


Wow you sound like you are in denial. You are addicted to sex. If you cannot say no to the next time then you have an exceptionally deep addiction problem. Just like the smoker who cannot say no to the next cigarette or the alcoholic cannot say no to the next drink or the heroine addict who cannot say no to the next fix.



The man doesn’t want to give it to you three times a day. He has said that often enough. Believe me that much and all the fun, expectation etc. etc. will go/has gone right out the window.


It’s a madness.



You sound deluded to me. Your husband actually tells you what is what and yet you actually believe he means something totally different.



Seriously you should go and see a psychologist. The very fact that you wont is the biggest single indicator that you have a massive problem.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Unloved11 said:


> My husband has been on this forum for some time now, I'm almost too scared to read what he has wrote about me.
> 
> I know I shouldn't be here because I promised him but I'm so desperate now. Maybe you can talk some sense into him.
> 
> He just doesn't listen to me!



If you read what he has written with an open mind, you will probably learn something about him and his perspective. This might help you cope with the desperation you're feeling. Open minded is the key word here. You can't just go in there looking to prove or disprove your own agenda.

And asking people to "talk sense into him" is not really giving him the agency he needs to commit freely to you. Don't try to change him, try to understand him and try to get him to understand you....then, you guys will be able to find a way to address some of your problems. You guys need a lot more communication. And counseling (individual or marital) would be a good idea for you both. Don't be so set in your ways that you can't compromise. And, if you give what he's asking for, you don't have to give in all the other ways that are exhausting you....so consider talking to each other about emotional needs (such as what you'll find on the marriage builder website on worksheets).

You do sound a little bit intense, maybe you should give him a little more space and fill some of your time with your self and your own hobbies. I'm not saying that to be rude, but....you have followed him onto his forum, which he considers a safe space, crossed some of the boundaries that he has made (you say yourself that you did this against his wishes) just to gratify your own feelings of desperation, and that is not a good sign. You are floundering and you need some stability in yourself away from your husband. RD sounds intelligent and interesting, but he also seems to like his drama and if this is unbalancing you, then you need to find a way to center yourself so you're not lost in his storms.

Hang in there. RD does seem to care about you. You seem to care about him. You can get through this.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> It’s a madness.


Madness? THIS... IS... MARRIAGE! 
Sorry, could not resist! =/


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

good lord! 3x a day! I'm easily the HD in my marriage and 3x a week is a great week for me!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Desert-Rose said *on't try to change him, try to understand him and try to get him to understand you....then, you guys will be able to find a way to address some of your problems. You guys need a lot more communication. And counseling (individual or marital) would be a good idea for you both. Don't be so set in your ways that you can't compromise.


I so agree with this ^^^ ! First of all, welcome to this forum Random Dudes wife. I have been following his story for some time now and personally I am thrilled you are here !!  I know it was breaking a promise on your behalf.... but hey.....if THIS can finally BREAK down the walls of communication that has been binding you both (mostly him), then it has the potential to destroy it all (let's not allow that to happen)....or lead to higher ground, a place that needed to be Ventured. 

Do not be afraid to read his words, I know he feels sickenly INVADED, but please be careful.... be open minded, he jokes alot here, says things off the cuff, but if you look very closely, his love shines for you, even in frustration at times. Please show him GRACE in how you interpret what he says , the harder posts, he needs to feel understood, we all do. We all speak out of frustration , being able to look to the roots, understand it , even forgive the harder things.... this is lifegiving...marriage building. 

Even though you FEEL 'Unloved", I feel you picked the wrong name .... I have personally been awe inspired many times by the THINGS your husband has said about you on this very forum.... how strong you are, calling you an Angel, no woman has EVER done to him what you was able to do, to break him down....I NEVER questioned his love for YOU, it was more of a struggling to "let go" ...allow a vulnerability to show with you.....he fights that more than anything in this life because of his excruciating hurt in his past.... and come on, you can admit it....you can be a handful at times! 

I must confess, I have often felt for you and your plight... I can relate to you in many ways.... I can be a demanding aggressive woman when I want something (wanted sex 3 times a day for a time too), what has saved me in my marriage ...is I am married to a very giving emotionally romantic "no cave time necessary" man. If he was a bad boy fighting me at every turn, I'd probably want to take his head right off and tie him up too!  

Drama Kings issues.... that you will read about here....

1. *SEX* ... He likes to be teased, he doesn't like it too easy, I think this is true of MOST men ... He is into a little "chase" on his part, when you give him a little taste, then hold back, and make him pant for it, this is what he is looking for, what arouses him and turns his buttons, drives him C-R-A-Z-Y infact....I guess you was a master at this in the beginning. I do believe though, once he opens up more emotionally to you & doesn't feel nautious...you and him could reach new heights of not needing this "teasing game"....so in due time..... 

2. *Your Religious differences has caused some REAL division*. I am someone who used to be a Christian who has lost my faith, I can very much relate to RD in how he feels here. But yes, still much much wisdom in that Bible -if you take it all with an open mind, even HE agrees with that . He has even admitted your beliefs have HELPED him! Never fall into fundamentalist thinking tough, it destroys what was once beautiful. 

3. *A man generally NEEDS his "Cave time*". This is the norm.... women are just different .... I am sure you have heard of that book "Men are from Mars, women from Vesus"... typically very true. Yeah, it does SUCK! I think you would die & go to heaven if you had my husband, he never needs it , but he is a rare bird, also more on the passive nice guy scale......but you married the rough & tough Bad Boy type --- which I am very sure was much of the Allure in the beginning- I bet he was quite the challenge even- but you broke him down... So now you & him are facing dealing with these very vulnerable issues that come more difficult ....for his type & considering his shattering upbringing.

I once compared your relationship to Pink & her husband Cory Hart...with all the tumultous ups & downs ....they love each other to death but can't stand each other at the same time, they are both aggressive souls, very passionate, but have their issues. A "can't live with each other, but can't live without each other either" type of relationship...










4. And the whole "*his People*" thing, feeling guilt over this. I don't know , he has a hang up here that many of us can not understand or comprehend. He feels he is very alone in this. Though you have tried, he has said so. 

HE freely admits he has issues with *vulnerability* .... He said he *admires* it in others...which tells us all.... as sick as he may feel when going there- with all the "lovey doveys" ....it is something he would like to overcome, God he hates to speak it outright -Like pulling his teeth out, he would rather make a joke/swear, say F it, grab a beer & sink into his cave ! One thing I LOVE about your husband is how openly HONEST he is Here ,even to the point of making himself look like an Ass. Always hope for someone like that . 

Listen to your husbands own words here >>>


> In truth I admire people who don't have my problems, who aren't cold, who are open and trusting and loving. When I met my wife we were both "alpha", over time she became more "beta" and I began to admire her in a different way yet despise it because my mentality considers such vulnerability weak and dependent


 I want to tell you Unloved (you need to change this name) ... me & many women here, especially Trenton as she has expressed on his threads to help him.....we can RELATE totally to you in these things, we KNOW How damn important that is in a marraige -- She found the most awe inspiring video, then I did a thread around the issue.... Video ink in 1st line : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

...which I have shared with your Husband in the past, he knows this is TRUTH, but his perception of how men are supposed to act, BE....he has not gotten there yet. He needs a "mindset change" I believe. He is just struggling with it BIG TIME , likely so much more than many because of his childhood. If anyone understands... it IS YOU. It sounds to me, you have been VERY patient with him, loving him every step of the way, you just get frustrated , as many of us would, it hurts to be pushed away time & time again. 

There needs to come a healthy balance between the 2 of you ...out of all of this. Sometimes we are too needy and sometimes we are too closed cause we need to trust more so. It is what you need to figure out here. 


I want you to look upon some of the things he has said about you, so you can KNOW that he is even INSPIRED by you, the love is there... so much more like this "buried" in other threads, but this is the little I found in my 1st couple minutes of looking this morning... 

....His words ...


> When I first met my wife I had never respected, loved or admired anyone more. I literally couldn't believe she could exist; she just blew my mind away.


 ...


> I was never a man who believed in putting my faith in anything however, except with her. Except for that one time, since coming back to her, I kept with her, because the first impression my wife gave me was too incredible to let it get lost (again). My wife may have still changed, but every time that angel in her comes out is worth the hundred times the devil comes out instead.


 He was talking to a man whose wife was getting "too fundamental in her religious thinking...he was speaking about his own experience with you...


> So keep who she was in memory, keep that beautiful Christian woman in your mind who was not only tolerant, but when her faith made her only stronger, loving, respectable and admirable. It may help, as it sure is helping me, and maybe in the future, once you two overcome it -> you two will only become stronger, and she will be even more amazing then you had thought possible.



More words about you ...


> She walked an anointed path so to speak. I still remember one Muslim friend of hers telling my wife back in her awe-inspiring days that she wants to convert to Christianity and go up to the altar and give her life to Christ.
> 
> My wife shockingly did not encourage it, but instead told her that she shouldn't do it for the church nor is giving her life to Christ a religious act that can only be achieved through the altar, it's between her and Christ. I was going to my wife at the time "WTF?! Isn't that what you want?" But my wife informed me that Christianity shouldn't be turned into a religious fest of 'pharisees' but a true relationship between one and God. She was a shocker really, accepting and tolerant of other beliefs, yet she converted people - without using fear, without using guilt, using only love.
> 
> She got condemned by her own church many times especially when she refuses to ask for offerings quoting the bible, but they kinda shut up when she recieved offerings from people anyway without even the need to ask; people from all walks of life wanted to support her and her message - even I. You can understand how painful it was to see that change as she got submerged into her religion and to watch them break her. Was like an aura fading too... thankfully she's getting her wisdom back slowly


Your husband thinks very very highly of you, calls you an ANGEL. 

If nothing else, I know the Drama King is committed to the Ball & Chain...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

^ excellent.
the more you say, the more you also help me to understand things about myself as well.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Unloved11 said:


> And I didn't marry him because he was "badass" or anything like that, I'm not stupid. That's just what he tells himself for some reason.


Why did you marry him? Why do you love him?

Your husband has written much about what he loves about you. Let's hear it from your end.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I have a high sex drive; I would be happier with sex every night, but I have to compromise with my husband. We make love four times a week.

Unloved, if you are not willing to budge on three times _*daily *_sex, you are being unreasonable. When would you even _*find the time *_for that much lovemaking? Do you work or attend school? :scratchhead:

Both of you need IC.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ok the Sex thing.... as Trenton was asking.... what DRIVES you Unloved? Do you feel it is *hormonal *? ....like a young horny man....if he doesn't get it, he is antsy, he can't rest, his loins are half on fire ... It relieves his stress. 

Is it that you are striving to FEEL LOVED and * emotionally connected *to him and when you are engaged in SEX .... this , at least temporarity washes over you, you feel assured of his love ? Or is it not emotional , just physical?


When do you feel MOST LOVED by your husband ?? 



From all he has shared , I gather your 1st 3 Love Languages are >>

1. *Physcial Touch*
2. *TIME with your man*
3. *Words of Affirmation *

(the last 2 are "*Acts of Service*" & "*Gifts*")......what order of importance are they for you - how does he meet these for you ? 

What do you feel HIS are ....and how do you meet them?


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## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

Afeh, you don't know us, I am not addicted to sex, I can easily go without which I have. But how can a man who is hard turn down sex?! It's not like he isn't turned on, he just thinks too much. It makes me feel insecure and wonder if he's cheating too from time to time. I know he doesn't but he makes me feel that way.

Thank you desert-rose...I don't mind giving him space but it's just what he does with his space that irritates me, he doesn't talk to me, ignores me, treats me like a roommate, and drinks all night. He also masturbates even though I never reject him. He's using space as an excuse to be lazy. 
Dymo, I married him because he was a kind and responsible man for his age, he can also be very romantic, fun, and full of pleasant surprises. But then he finds excuses to be mean... and I thought I could change him... he also likes to prank me and play games because he thinks it's cute.

Trenton, my husband thinks too much about why I want sex with him too when the truth is, I just simply enjoy it. He tries to complicate things. I admit though and I have told him this that sometimes I do feel some security and control over him too, and that is wrong of me. But I can't control him any other way like I can't control him when he likes to flirt with other women in front of me even my friends! It gets me so angry, frustrated, and embarrassed!

SimplyAmorous, thank you for posting, I am trying to understand him too but sometimes all I see are excuses. That is wrong of me I know... but I am trying! When it comes to sex too I know he likes being teased but he gets me so frustrated when he doesn't tell me what he's in the mood for and expects me to do all the guesswork! I can't read his mind! And I'm torturing myself too when I have to play these games when sometimes I just want it really bad. I also can't stand it when he rejects me even though he's turned on. I also know we had problems in the past with my church but we're fine now. I wish my husband is like your husband though, never pushing me away. 
When my husband is passionate about me that's when I feel loved, he's a natural romantic but tends to have hiccups about it and can't accept himself. He just thinks like way too much and when he does I have to brace myself for another rollercoaster! He can be so loving one day and so cold the next and it is exhausting!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i hope he figures things out before he blows it as i have for basically the same things as he is.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Unloved,

From reading his posts forever and yours for this short time, it's clear that both of you "really" like to get your way.

Guess what? That won't make for a happy relationship.

You can argue until the cows come home about who is right and who isn't? What it ensures is that you both will lose.

All these deals and "fresh starts" etc. are a bunch of garbage. You BOTH need to submit to the other and give. Neither one of you is doing that currently.

The good news is you have a true spark between you or you wouldn't be nearly as upset with each other.

But, neither one of you realizes that true happiness comes from within. You're both demanding it from each other.

That will never - ever - work.

Been there.

Done that.

I'll tell you what I told him.

Just drop it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wow... well now I guess that's my que to shove my face into the toilet bowl, and whack myself with the seat...

*reaches* bah! Sorry, I can't reach the flush, can someone help? Do a brother a favor and flush my face


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dammit Random, pay attention man!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> :slap:
> 
> Bah, not worth it


It's this attitude that pisses me off.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It's this attitude that pisses me off.


Imagine how his wife feels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

RD - Grow up! You can choose to make the best of this... Or the worst. Your call!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We'll chase each other's tails later arguing about this, I'm not in the mood to argue for now. So is someone going to flush my face or what?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What?

You do this all the time. Cause some big drama and then back out saying it's not worth it.

Make up your mind, man! Fight or flight! but you gotta chose.

Man up.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> We'll chase each other's tails later arguing about this, I'm not in the mood to argue for now. So is someone going to flush my face or what?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've already made up my mind

As for what's not worth it, it's not worth arguing about sex with her, she never understands and blames all our problems on me. Besides we already have a compromise in place even though she always demands more, and I shouldn't have stirred up the hornet's nest, we get no where with it.

Heh, "using space as an excuse to be lazy" :rofl:
Yes, so I guess needing to unwind by myself after a hard day's work means I'm lazy. Bah! I'll settle this and everything else with her tonight.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Wow... well now I guess that's my que to shove my face into the toilet bowl, and whack myself with the seat...
> 
> *reaches* bah! Sorry, I can't reach the flush, can someone help? Do a brother a favor and flush my face


I won't bother again.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Unloved11 said:


> Afeh, you don't know us, I am not addicted to sex, I can easily go without which I have. But how can a man who is hard turn down sex?! It's not like he isn't turned on, he just thinks too much. It makes me feel insecure and wonder if he's cheating too from time to time. I know he doesn't but he makes me feel that way.


Well that’s all very telling and I was thinking the real heart of the problem. He makes you feel insecure and your response to that is to drive for sex three times a day. I reckon that’s so you think he doesn’t have any energy and is totally drained for anyone else.

RD you do seem to be a bit of a mind player to me, I hope you are not messing with your wife’s mind. If you are on drugs, get off of them while you have hope.

And RD if you really do not want to have sex three times a day all you need do is say “No”. It really is as simple as that.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Wow... well now I guess that's my que to shove my face into the toilet bowl, and whack myself with the seat...
> 
> *reaches* bah! Sorry, I can't reach the flush, can someone help? Do a brother a favor and flush my face


You poor little victim you.


For goodness sake man up and get over whatever happened in your past.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, after a few long talks, we're still stuck, but she really wants to drop it now it seems, even if we're not on the same page.

This is very taxing for both of us and to be honest... I want to drop it too. She has apologised for crossing the boundary and coming here but the fact is I have realised I can't trust her word anymore when it comes to this, and she knows. Regardless we're making it up to each other now.


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## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

You can start making it up to me right about now...


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You make your wife insecure Random. I have expressed to you before that you are hurting her by flirting with other women, and by the sounds of it doing a lot more to cause her hurt and pain to have control over her.

She will get tired of it eventually.

Clearly you both have issues but you are the man, and you are not in control of you, you are out of control, nor are you leading your family correctly, nor respecting your wife.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dropping it isn't fixing it.

You'll revisit this mess in a day or so....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm sorry Syrum.

He doesn't make her insecure.

She's emotionally broken and is choosing to not fix it.

There's no way on earth "he" can make her secure just as she is unable to do the same for him.



Syrum said:


> You make your wife insecure Random. I have expressed to you before that you are hurting her by flirting with other women, and by the sounds of it doing a lot more to cause her hurt and pain to have control over her.
> 
> She will get tired of it eventually.
> 
> Clearly you both have issues but you are the man, and you are not in control of you, you are out of control, nor are you leading your family correctly, nor respecting your wife.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I'm sorry Syrum.
> 
> He doesn't make her insecure.
> 
> ...


I don't think it's necessarily something inside her that's broken.

He cheated on her once, before they were married. Even if she's forgiven him, there's always going to be some level of insecurity. Flirting with other girls only exacerbates it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

dymo said:


> I don't think it's necessarily something inside her that's broken.
> 
> He cheated on her once, before they were married. Even if she's forgiven him, there's always going to be some level of insecurity. Flirting with other girls only exacerbates it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you familiar with their story?


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Not overly, but I have stumbled across Random's threads here and there. He starts a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

dymo said:


> Not overly, but I have stumbled across Random's threads here and there. He starts a lot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you choose a partner in her previous line of work, you need to expect some brokenness and choppiness.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> When you choose a partner in her previous line of work, you need to expect some brokenness and choppiness.


I know what you're referring to. But what is more likely to cause the feeling that she's being cheated on? The old profession, or the fact that he cheated before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I'm sorry Syrum.
> 
> He doesn't make her insecure.
> 
> ...





> When you choose a partner in her previous line of work, you need to expect some brokenness and choppiness.


this is crazy conrad.

im sure what you are talking about, she didnt come into the relationship clean, but you dont think what he is doing has a lot impact on her security within their relationship?

he should be doing all he can to help her feel as secure in their relationship as possible. everything he is doing is adding to her insecurities. 

she is telling him what she needs and he does do it for some time and he has said things are good with her at these times.
he then pulls away again and the problems start again.
no correlation there?
think again.

i went through the same things as him and at the time i also chose not to continually give her the same things to make her feel secure within our relationship.
she eventually chose to leave.
randoms wife will eventually choose the same, or stay and allow herself to stay a completely broken woman.

he does have a hand in how she feels within the relationship and about him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

By and large, do you believe secure people work as escorts?

Say yes with a straight face and I'll tell you who's crazy.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> By and large, do you believe secure people work as escorts?
> 
> Say yes with a straight face and I'll tell you who's crazy.


i agree with you on that BUT...
he is doing nothing to help her become and stay secure with him or their relationship.
how he treats her has heaps to do with this.
and he is not doing his part in that security.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I won't comment on RD and his wifes issues and what they should do to fix them. I do want to say that if RD and his wife had an agreement that she would not visit here, or post here, then she should have kept her word.
Breaking the promise just adds to a trust issue surfacing.

Invading his safe haven when she says she won't. Posting embarrassing things such as "he masturbates." is uncool in my book. You just don't do that to your husband.

You both need counseling. I wish you well.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

4sure said:


> I won't comment on RD and his wifes issues and what they should do to fix them. I do want to say that if RD and his wife had an agreement that she would not visit here, or post here, then she should have kept her word.
> Breaking the promise just adds to a trust issue surfacing.
> 
> Invading his safe haven when she says she won't. Posting embarrassing things such as "he masturbates." is uncool in my book. You just don't do that to your husband.
> ...


her coming here is the least of their problems.
if anything, that should help things.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Unloved,
> 
> From reading his posts forever and yours for this short time, it's clear that both of you "really" like to get your way.
> 
> ...


Can't comment on this couple, but yeah that is a problem.

I have found myself saying in a calm voice, "I am not out to win anything. So you're right and I am wrong. Now can we proceed with the real issue at hand. Please.  "

That has had a way of disarming the person and getting them to focus on the real issue.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

People are hardly ever wrong when talking about feelings and perceptions EVEN IF you think they are wrong.

So, knowing they are right, agree with them.

Agree with the part that is right. They won't want to argue, but they will talk.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

4sure said:


> Invading his safe haven when she says she won't. Posting embarrassing things such as "he masturbates." is uncool in my book. You just don't do that to your husband.


What man doesn't masterbate, that is just a given , I can surely think of a ton more embarrassing things than that, and beings this is an anonymous forum , no embarrassment. Noone knows who he is, where he lives, and if they did, guess what.... they masterbate too! Join the human race. 

Anyone embarrassed about relationship / sex issues probably shouldn't be on a this forum, if we don't let it all hang out, noone would get to the roots of their issues, so it would be senseless to post. 

I feel it is best to have the feelings out in the open, if this gets them there.....I only see it as helping. Too many people are afraid to tell their spouses what is really troubling them, so they sweep it under the carpet for years & play a passive aggressive dance.... or in RD's case, hide it from his wife, best for her to get to know this side of him. 

And she deserves to give her side as well.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> What man doesn't masterbate, that is just a given , I can surely think of a ton more embarrassing things than that, and beings this is an anonymous forum , no embarrassment. Noone knows who he is, where he lives, and if they did, guess what.... they masterbate too! Join the human race.
> 
> Anyone embarrassed about relationship / sex issues probably shouldn't be on a this forum, if we don't let it all hang out, noone would get to the roots of their issues, so it would be senseless to post.
> 
> ...


I agree with SA though I would add timing is everything when getting your feelings out in the open. To really make it work well (at least with my wife) you have to be sensitive to when the time is right to receive that kind of info.


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