# Should I let it go?



## 2 much doubtin (Aug 15, 2017)

About six years ago my w started having less interest in sex at about 35 years old. The conversations of why not eventually became more of a fight and then eventually she wanted to avoid any type of sexual conversations. 
She used to really like oral and then one night again about six years ago she pushed me away saying she didn't want it and now to this day still doesn't want it. About this same time she said she didn't have an interest in sex and could go for a year without an O. She has always said she has never mb which I didn't believe is possible and finally one night after a long fight about this she admitted to a lot of mb before and after marriage. The next night she said she lied and only mb before marriage but not after???
Around this same time I caught her watching porn and she lied about it for two weeks even after I described the different scenes in the movie and days later she reluctantly admitted it.
About a year later mb came up again and she lied and said she didn't do some of the things she admitted to earlier which caused a fight and about a week later she said she wanted a divorce. I do have trust issues with her at this point and so yes I do ask a lot of questions because of it. 
When she stoped wanting both sex and o sex I asked if she was seeing someone else she became mad and defensive. I continued to questions her and she finally offered a lie detector test. I said ok and then she became really mad at me for agreeing to it and said no she wouldn't really take it and couldn't believe I wanted her to. She now says she'll take it but I don't know if I can really go thru with it, if she really hasn't done anything I would feel awful for having her take it.
Am I reading to much into it? I really don't think she's doing anything now but I just have a really hared time trusting her now and I really want to know if she's been unfaithful in the past.
Any suggestions? Would I be a jerk to have her take the test?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

How is the marriage outside of sex? Lots of women won't want sex with their husband if he is inattentive everywhere else. Do you date? Outside the home, no kids? 
When you were having sex, how was it? She may have been needing something to improve it but wouldn't tell you. 

She must have a sex drive if she is MBing and watching porn so you have to figure out why she doesn't want sex with you


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Oh and cheating is not something I would be persistent about unless you've ruled out other reasons she stopped wanting sex. It'll just drive her away more


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## 2 much doubtin (Aug 15, 2017)

Outside of sex it's been pretty good, we do date without kids etc.
Sex is ok, she's more of just missionary style type sex.

My biggest worry is how she lies for weeks, months and years about sex topics even when she knows I know the truth???
Why would she ever disclose something I don't know about??

Trust!


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## StepTalkSucks (Aug 17, 2017)

One of my friends recently went through something similar. High school sweethearts - even waited until marriage for sex.

Had 2 kids. 

Sex life went down the drain.

Turned out she was gay....she finally came out a few months ago.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I think what you have here is a serious case of lack of intimacy, now exacerbated by your (justified) lack of trust. 

To me, when someone feels so isolated in a marriage that they are asking their spouse about affairs, the spouse needs to wake up and realize that their actions are killing the person they say they love. This is a time for reassurance and questions about how the situation got where it is, not for defensiveness and arguing. To me, that says you hit a nerve. Maybe she is not cheating in the sense that she is not having sex with someone, but there is something she has put between you (why is another question). That could be fantasy (pornography), an emotional affair, or attempts at a sexual affair.

Her drop in sex drive at 35 if you have children is not surprising in itself, but with the other things it is. As a female, I think oral sex is very intimate, so I never wanted that when my husband and I were having problems. He never wanted to perform it on me when he was fishing with other women. Maybe that is just us - I don't know. 

Wherever her mind is, I don't believe it is on you. She called you bluff with the lie detector test and cracked when you said you were going to do it. If you do it, your marriage is over whether she passes or fails.  I hope you realize that. The only reason to do it is to have concrete proof one way or the other. If she passes, there is no recovering such a colossal lack of trust, is there? If she fails, you have to walk. Either way - curtains. Personally, I think she is calling your bluff again because she thinks you will never leave. I say that because, although we never got to a lie detector, my husband was a chronic liar about stupid stuff.

Good luck!


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## 2 much doubtin (Aug 15, 2017)

Thanks for your thoughts, we too are high school sweethearts.

I had the same feeling about the lie detector test the reason I put it out there for your opinions. If I allow her to do it and she passes I would feel awful and it would probably never be the same and if she fails I would probably walk.

But the last few months have been pretty bad and this problem is starting to create a bad relationship. I've thought about letting it go with it being in the past but I can't. 

What would you guys do?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You said she stopped wanting sex about 35. Did you say how old she is now?

Google "signs she's cheating". See how many checks she hits.
Does she guard her phone like it contains a NOC list? Or, can you borrow her phone whenever you like? If she guards it and you don't have her pass code, that is a HUGE red flag. Did she suddenly start exercising at age 35, changing appearance with new clothes and such? Start shaving in odd places? Does she have unexplained time missing? 

If your wife is masturbating and watching porn and won't have sex with you, then you are in dire circumstances.
Either she is cheating or your marriage is so far gone she doesn't want you anymore.
Figure out which.

If not cheating, then will she agree to work with you on rebuilding the missing intimacy in your marriage? If not, then stick a fork in it and move on.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You are putting so much pressure on her that sex isn't fun anymore. I think that you should let it go, stop talking about it at all and re focus on connecting and having fun with your wife again. Who cares what she said and didn't say, she is obviously uncomfortable talking about sex and u keep asking her questions like it's an interrogation.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

2MD,

Is your W is still pleasuring herself, perhaps put in some cameras and internet monitor to find out. 

The abrupt end of sexual pleasure is often indicative of an affair, could even have been an emotional affair. Someone else may have replaced you as her preferred sexual partner and she lost all attraction for you. 

Since she offered to do a poly, and since you have suffered for years with sub-par sex it's time to get a poly and find out why. If she cheated you have the option to forgive. There's also the question of who she cheated with, she may still be longing to get back with them. 

Tamat


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Listen... don't stalk your wife. Don't put cameras up. Wow... that is a sure way to ruin your marriage.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Here's what you do. Go find the threads where men have a porn addiction and pay attention to what the women are saying in their posts. Then apply it to your situation. Seriously, I know, you find it easier to believe she is cheating. Yet, you said she lies about masturbating and watching porn, The same thing which porn addicts and watchers do which upset their wives and make some of them leave. Oh and no, don't let anyone fool you that porn is mentally different for men and women with how it affects the marriage.


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