# What do you do with those memories



## bcc

Well Im back here again. Two years ago I went through hell with my wife, she had asked for a seperation that nearly drove me to suicide and then my story twisted into a virtual nightmare that I dont think many people on this whole forum could imagine. It remains on this forum sight if you would like to read. It is way to long and unbelievable to repeat here. Our marriage was done. We hated each other with a hatred that drives one to kill im sure. My days and nights were consumed with revenge at one point but I had my children and had to care for them. She lost everything. I prevailed. Slowly over a short time I let her come home. Dont ask why because I dont know, maybe the kids. We slowly began to love each other again. I had realized I had not been a very good husband and was part to blame. But here , two years later I still think about it everyday and Im having trouble letting those memories go. I still doubt my trust in her as well as times of hatred for what she did. Yet she has not done anything to violate that trust since. She says she loves me, does everything for me. She says shes happy yet my mind remembers "the war" . She seems to have blocked it out. How can I be happy, how do I let go of the memories ???


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## aug

In reality, you can't. 

But old age and dementia could help perhaps.


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## bcc

that's brilliant aug thank you


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## GusPolinski

Did you divorce? If so, did you remarry?


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## bcc

no we didnt divorce. I began all the proceedings and boy these attorneys make a fortune. I had a great attorney , I paid my attorney 5000 deposit. She finally got an attorney. He took 300 for a deposit !!! She took me to court 3 times trying to get the kids back but failed everytime, cost me a thousand everytime to go to court, one time the court security pulled me into a room until she was gone, they feared she would try to attack me after the ruling because she was flippin out


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## D.H Mosquito

I dont think you can truly let go of the bad memories i know i cant just when they resurface try and control them or they will consume and control you and your every thought word and deed, not easy been there and still have my dark moments


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## bcc

Yes Mr Useless and they do consume you I wish I could get shock treatments or something so they would disapear. They are affecting me lately and hurting my relationship because I get distant with her. Then feelings of hatred come in. Its aweful Its hard to move on like this


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## Openminded

R is the hardest thing you will ever do. 

It's only been two years. It can take a lot more time than that for the memories to fade. Learn to redirect your thoughts. And keep your mind occupied. Lots of time to think allows all that stuff back in.


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## calvin

Yep,it hurts bcc.
Hurts something terrible.
Is your wife doing what she should be?
It gets better but the spouse has to "get it" and mean it,show it and not stop for
a long time.
The BS needs to forgive if R is the choice.
Sorry,the BS needs to try to forgive and see if its there and worth it.
My case yes.
Everyone's different though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

How is her bipolar condition? Is she staying on her meds? Did she get the lesbian drive out of her system?


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## the guy

I face mine and laugh...they can't control me cuz I have one thing those memories don't and that is "I deserve good things"!

Those memories taught me one thing...and that is negitive sh1t like infidelity will not define me.

They way I see it I didn't cheat...thats my old ladies albatrose....hell...I have my own albatrose to face I don't need to take on my wifes unhealthy crap.

Me and you went to war and have the scares to prove it, but it won't keep *me* back......

Phuck that sh1t!!!!!

Me and you are better then letting the sh1t our old ladies did keep us from having a good life...they way I see it its up to our chicks to keep up cuz if they can't we leave them behind.

The way I see it we gave them the grace of fogiveness now its up to them to prove their worthiness by being submisive enough to help us heal.

At the end of the day me and my old lady are healing each other but...heaven for bid we ever go back to those dark days... cuz that war will be opilictic (end of the world kind of sh1t).


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## bcc

hey bandit , you know , yes she is completely a different person, all that s**t is over. She actually couldnt be doing any better. I often cant believe she did what she did. I as an individual I dont understand how someone can completely do such bizarre things but I hear it all the time. One friend had told me how his wife became so obsessed with Gerard butler the actor she planned all this crazy stuff to go to Hollywood and try to make him fall in love with her. It seems women do this crazy fantasy s**t and it bites them in the a**. We are definitely doing fine. Openminded its funny you mention too much time on your hands because I had major surgery 4 weeks ago and Ive been sitting around recovering. I wonder if this isnt helping but I do know I think about it everyday even before the surgery. Its just lately its consuming me.


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## bcc

To The Guy your right those were dark days, I couldnt say it better Im going to think about what you said " I deserve to have good things "


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## angelpixie

Hey, bcc. I haven't been on TAM in a long time, but I decided to log in tonight. I was surprised to see your name pop up in a thread on the Reconciliation forum after all this time. I'm glad you're still here, and that you have your kids with you. 
The first thing that came to mind when I read your posts is that you sound like many people recovering from a traumatic experience, with the nearly constant thoughts about the past events, inability to move forward the way you think you should. It's not at all surprising -- you went through hell. A person doesn't have to go through combat or be a victim of a random violent crime to have PTSD. There are methods that have been developed to help people with PTSD deal with the memories, trust, fear, etc. Maybe you can find a therapist who specializes in recovery from trauma, perhaps someone who has a sliding fee scale. He or she might be able to teach you some things to do to help you stop that endless loop. You don't need to keep suffering like this. You've already come so far!

Also, even though your wife is bi-polar, and is taking medication now, it doesn't mean she bears no responsibility for her actions. It is worrisome that she seems to have blocked out what happened, while you are dealing with it all the time. She needs to understand what you're going through, just as much as you've needed to understand that she has a mental illness and needs to take medication for it. Are you two in any kind of marriage counseling? It might be really helpful, especially if you can find one who has special training in helping couples where one person has a mental illness. That obviously presents difficulties that won't be present in an average troubled marriage.

It's OK to ask for help, bcc. You don't have to try to handle all this on your own. Sometimes, it's good to have someone new to take a fresh look at things, and give you the benefit of a new perspective. Good luck, and take care!


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## bcc

Hey Anglepixie good to hear from you, here I am 2 years later. Its funny that all the grief ends but your own mind plays games with you. My wife has been doing well and our marriage is virtually perfect. Maybe thats why I think about the craziness so much. Its hard to believe it even happened. I feel like it was maybe just a nightmare. One of those ones we all have which we catch our lover cheating and wake up sweating. I do know I still spend time thinking of a way to teach that guy a lesson still which is a big waste of time hes so long gone. Sometimes I wonder if im second choice. Then I realize what a loser he was. We do still live across from the neighbor we dont talk too, the one who had told me he caught her at my business with one of my employees about 7 yrs ago , a goofy kid who was engaged to his girlfriend and they had just had a baby. She still denies it but I wonder if its because its so pathetic she is embarrassed but Ill always wonder about that. Ive learned alot about her after we reconciled. I realize these incidences were not for a need of sex but of acceptance and emotion. Her self esteem and anxiety disorders as well as bipolar episodes were not sexually charged which is always a mans biggest fear( I think women fear emotional betrayal more) Good God If you saw these two clowns you would agree. I cant even feel like she found better and went back to me. The only explanation is they paid attention to her and she needed that because I wasnt doing it. Im doing my part now and she is too. We kiss all the time , hug, laugh, and of course there is intimacy. Things we hadnt done in years.


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## angelpixie

I'm really glad things are so much better, and yes, it's hard to believe it's been two years already.  But don't minimize your feelings -- it really is like emerging from a traumatic experience and then going back to 'normal' life. It's hard to align both of those very real experiences in your mind, because they're so different. But they did happen, so you can work through them and deal with them. 

It's good that you're trying to understand your W's illness, but take some time to learn about why your mind is doing what it is, too. It's very normal. Even though the things she did may not have been personally directed at you as much as they were trying to solve a problem she felt inside, they DID affect you. It's hard to not take them as a personal judgement (and you shouldn't) -- and it sounds like you're doing a great job of that.


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