# Am I wrong for no longer being interested in doing sexual stuff for my husband?



## caribbeangrl (Apr 4, 2018)

Hi everyone. So my husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for two. I love him a lot, more than anything, but I don't think he makes an effort to go the extra mile for me anymore. We have sex regularly but only in one position unless I decide that I'll go on top. Everything was great when we were newly married and before that, we did many different positions. I even loved going down on him regularly, multiple times per week, but since he stopped doing things that I like in return, gradually, the feeling to go the extra mile for him is starting to fade away after months of him not reciprocating. 

We always spoon, that's the only way we have sex. Maybe once a month if I'm lucky he'll try something different. He used to ago down on me every two weeks. Now, months may past without him doing it. When I try talking and telling him about it, it always turns into an argument. I trying showing him the same way he has sexual needs, it's the same way I feel for certain things. Before sex, we never have foreplay. If we do kiss, most of the time, it's a little peck on my lip, nothing passionate. I'm not asking for romance every single time but once in a while would be great. 

I've talked and talked over again and I tried explaining how I feel, but he don't understand. He tells me all women suck their man **** without looking for anything in return. It's not about looking for anything in return, but it's about him not making an effort to do things I like but wanting oral on a regular basis and sex always in his favorite position, the spoon. Yesterday was our anniversary, and he got me nothing because when he got paid last Friday, by Sunday all his money was done because he smokes pot and drinks as long as he has money. He didn't put aside a cent for our anniversary. 

We are not from the U.S., we live in the Caribbean. So our currency is a bit different. I recently started doing some online work for a transcription company, so I do work from home. I had $200 put aside but when his money finished on Sunday, he asked for $25 on Sunday to buy weed, $40 on Monday plus $40 gas in the car for him to go to work. Yesterday, I had $125 in hand. I gave him $25 when he reached home from work. In the night I bought us Chinese food, and again had to put $40 gas in the car for him to go to work since he spent most of his money on alcohol and pot over the weekend. He is the type of person that when you tell him no, he's angry. 

So after that, after we were done eating, he told me he wants a blow job for our anniversary. I told him we would do the 69, he said no. I told him that it isn't his anniversary alone. I literally spent all the cash I had in hand on him over the past few days. And he had the audacity to ask me what I gave him for our anniversary. I told him that I bought him his weed. I bought us food so that at least we could say we ate something nice for our anniversary. I put gas in the car for him to reach to work, two days in a row, which shouldn't be my responsibility. When he gets paid he should fill the tank before smoking and drinking and not put half tank of gas. In return he told me the car is mines, I have to put gas because my father gave me the car. 

I hate taking money from him because he would give me $100 today. And if I don't spend it, in two days time, he will come and tell me the car needs gas or lend him $25 until he gets paid. And then he loves to boast of how much he's taking care of me. Since we've been married, he never bought me any clothes or a shoe for my feet. All my clothes is what my parents bought for me when they travel. We never went in a fancy restaurant and have dinner. But everyday he has his weed and if he has extra money he always drinks something with alcohol. He doesn't save for a rainy day. 

Anyways, I just want to know if I'm wrong for not feeling to put in the effort sexually anymore. Am I wrong for refusing to go down on him anymore? I mean, I still do it maybe once a week or once every two weeks but not as before. He loves to tell me that I'm wrong for refusing to do it because he barely ever does it or anything that I want sexually as a matter of fact. If I want to change things up, he's always either tired or it's to late or tomorrow. And then tomorrow turns into a month or two. I'm so fed up. I feel like he is manipulating me. And when I try having a conversation about it, he always makes me out the be the wrong one. We always end up arguing because I think he's selfish.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The only thing wrong is that you're staying with a man who uses you and doesn't make an effort to please you. There is no happy future here, IMO.


----------



## biwing (Feb 2, 2017)

I think that you are being used as a tool for his pleasures and that you should stop. You are very disirable and deserve better! I would get out of there and find someone who will treat you equally as the woman that you are!

Hopefully there aren't kids involved but never the less, you are the most important because if your stressed the kids will feel it the same.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm surprised you would let this loser even touch you.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Its the weed!


It clouds your personaility.

His prioritis are are mixed up.

My advice is time to move on.


----------



## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> Its the weed!


I don't think it's the weed, necessarily. Just as I'm sure someone is about to jump on and say that he's addicted to porn. I think the problem is that he's just a selfish jerk. And I'm guessing you are both very young.

OP you deserve better, and if you are explaining that and he won't listen, then reconsider the marriage. Do you want to live like that for the next 50 years?

I don't smoke anymore, but did smoke week heavily and daily from 18-35 yo. During all that time I always had gas in my tank, rent or mortgage paid, money in my wallet and a very satisfied lover.

Your hubby is just a bum.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Be clear but kind ....did I say clear? when you tell him you won't stand for "one way" loving. Try a time when he's not under the influence. Then if things escalate you can look back and know you communicated with him.

There might be something else under the surface, or not.
But be clear, then move forward as you see fit.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Well that's a sh*tty partner. 

I would stop giving him any money for additions (weed/alcohol) for one. Even gas is questionable if he is using his own money for weed. He needs a wake up call and i'm not sure what you could do to start that. I also assume he is not very ambitious if he spends all his money on weed and alcohol... which means he doesn't exercise or try to improve his employment status. Right?

It just seems like a dead end.

Next time he tells you its a womens duty to blow their man.. just tell him that its a mans duty to provide for the family and be a MAN.. which means controlling his weed/alcohol addiction. * A man worthy of blowjobs isnt asking his wife for gas money.*


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I have two off the cuff comments:
Plenty of women stop having sex with their husbands. Thy often divorce them at the same time.
I also tried to improve my sex life by refusing my partner sex. The results were obviously predictable.
And . . .
Finally back when I had employees I always knew when a guy was doing weed. His performance dropped off. I'm not surprised at all that your relationship is in this state.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

dear caribbeangrl;

Are you wrong? From what you have posted, no you have lots of reasons to not want to have sex with your husband.

Are there consequences to a wife not having sex with her husband? Yes, and it is usually divorce. You need to figure out if you can and want to live with the consequences.

If you H has changed in his behavior patterns recently, then you have every right to be very upset. If he has always been as you described, then you are enabling his bad behaviors. 

Actually, you are enabling his bad behavior by supplying the money for his misbehaving and self destructive drug and alcohol behavior.

Is there a religious person (minister, priest, etc.) or a family member your H will listen to or respect that the two of you can go and talk to? I would suggest marriage counseling, but that might be too expensive. One of the hard truths of life is that you can not change your spouse, only they can change themselves. But you can change yourself and how you will allow your spouse to treat or use you.

Good luck.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> Your hubby is just a bum.


Who is high as a kite.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You have been helping him treat you terribly!

You'd be better off without him around! Hurry and do that!


----------



## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

I can’t believe you’re asking this. Where’s your self esteem and respect?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Divorce this muffin.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

caribbeangrl said:


> Hi everyone. So my husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for two. I love him a lot, more than anything, but I don't think he makes an effort to go the extra mile for me anymore. We have sex regularly but only in one position unless I decide that I'll go on top. Everything was great when we were newly married and before that, we did many different positions. I even loved going down on him regularly, multiple times per week, but since he stopped doing things that I like in return, gradually, the feeling to go the extra mile for him is starting to fade away after months of him not reciprocating.
> 
> We always spoon, that's the only way we have sex. Maybe once a month if I'm lucky he'll try something different. He used to ago down on me every two weeks. Now, months may past without him doing it. When I try talking and telling him about it, it always turns into an argument. I trying showing him the same way he has sexual needs, it's the same way I feel for certain things. Before sex, we never have foreplay. If we do kiss, most of the time, it's a little peck on my lip, nothing passionate. I'm not asking for romance every single time but once in a while would be great.
> 
> ...


so what on earth are you getting out of this marriage? does he do ANYTHING for you? good lord, he sounds like a miserable person to be married to. 

stop doing all of it. stop lending him money. if he cant get to work, oh well. you know EXACTLY where money will go if you put it in his hands. 

basically, show him the same kind of treatment he is showing you. if he tells you that you are wrong for it, tell him that you do not care, that you do not mind being called wrong in this case. 

you are probably better off without him to be honest. if you want to see if he will be willing to change, then treat him the same way he treats you. tell him he is a terrible husband for not being able to put gas in his own car, tell him that he is wrong for not being willing to please his wife, etc. 

try flipping the script. if that doesn't wake him up, leave him.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Dear OP
sex should be mutual. Maybe not every time; there is nothing wrong with sometimes giving a sexual "gift" to your partner, but on average each should be doing what they can to please the other. 

He is a selfish lover - a very bad thing.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have no idea why you would want to be with a man who drinks too much and takes drugs. I wouldn't have touched him with a bargepole. 
He sounds like a very immature and self centered man.


----------



## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

I agree with everyone else about him being a loser. Definitely think about what you deserve. It isn't him. And yeah, stop giving him money.

As for the BJ part, next time he asks, just say, after you go down on me and give me an orgasm, you'll get yours. Just make it a one-for-one deal. Every time. You first then him.

Or just dump the jerk.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> I don't think it's the weed, necessarily. Just as I'm sure someone is about to jump on and say that he's addicted to porn. I think the problem is that he's just a selfish jerk. And I'm guessing you are both very young.
> 
> OP you deserve better, and if you are explaining that and he won't listen, then reconsider the marriage. Do you want to live like that for the next 50 years?
> 
> ...


I agree, it's not the weed, it's the man. My guy smokes, but his financial obligations are always taken care of, and that includes spending money on me and prioritizing my sexual satisfaction. I would say his smoking actually contributes to my sexual satisfaction.

I'm sorry to say that you married a loser, OP, and I would tell you to ditch the dead weight as soon as possible.

Most women operate on what is known as "responsive desire." (Rather than recreate the wheel, here's a link with the breakdown if this term is unfamiliar: https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire/ ) He is doing nothing to stoke your fire in terms of his physical attention to you, and to make matters worse he's a financially irresponsible leech, which is generally a turnoff.

Stop enabling him, and stop giving him money. Let him fend for himself. If he doesn't have gas to get to work, that's his problem, not yours.

Now here's a question for you, OP: do you want to fix this problem, or are you looking for permission to leave a bad relationship?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hell, no!

If he refuses to "do you," then there would be absolutely no reciprocation!

But judging from his slovenly standards toward you, I couldn't really, in good conscience, recommend your "doing him" anyway!*


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You husband is a waste of space. He is not helping financially, he is wasting your money on pot and alcohol and couldnt be bothered to please you sexually. Please tell me why you are with this man.
You need a game plan.
Sit him down and tell him finances are separated from now on. He must pay house expenses 50%. No more giving him money. Do not ask him for money. If he offers you money, take it and put in in a bank for which he has no access. If he asks for money, say you do not have any.
When it comes to sex, all bets are off, you are not engaging. I think he will get the message. If he doesn't then it might be time to cut your losses, he is simply a dope head.


----------



## phlea (Apr 18, 2018)

I understand. My husband thinks vaginal sex alone should be enough. My man dropped foreplay and only goes down on me willingly on the average of every 4 to 6 months. Treats it like he is doing me a favor. Put up with it for 20 years. A few years back I dropped doing anything special for him because as broken as he made me I thankfilly regained much self respect than to reward him for his bad behavior. I will do things if he asks because it's my wifely duty. Otherwise sex is so one sided I feel like I'm the third wheel, lol.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

You tolerate smoking weed but it sounds a very costly affair to me. If it is that easy to buy, why not just grow weed plants for him then you won't have to spend so much. 

If you are the one sober person in the house and you start laying down the law on sex, you may find he resists that vigorously. Unless you are prepared to step it up a notch or two when he threatens, it may not be worth it. Maybe you need to offer something other than spooning and stay put on a take it or leave it basis once or twice when he has few options. Once he takes it, then you tell him that is what you would like once a week 

He does sound a little selfish but like you say, you love him a lot so it is just the law you need to change.


----------



## Slowpoke (Sep 7, 2018)

I think your husband no long thinks of you as the love of his life , but as a convenient provider, the relationship has become one sided in his favor. His priorities have changed and its to your disadvantage. Time to take care of yourself and take a hard look at the pros and cons of continuing on the relationship, if anything should change look hard to see if it's a token effort or a honest effort, I don't believe you can trust him to be honest in all respects. Your future is in your hands, don't be mislead by false promises. Trust your head and not your heart.


----------

