# Hoping it works out



## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

My boyfriend and I have been together over 15 months and moved in together over 6 months ago.
I believe he takes me for granted or doesn't respect me.
I feel like I do almost all the giving.
I do nearly all the housework and when I ask for help he argues, though sometimes eventually comes around and helps for a few days until the cycle starts all over again.
He spends several hours a night on his computer. He has a stressful job so I realize this is a way for him to unwind, but it is mostly what he does on his free time.
His anger threshold is low. He gets mad fairly easy and blames me for arguements.
He has told me he has an issue with not wanting too much physical affection. While I am affectionate, and like affection, I do not believe I am overly affectionate. When we moved in together I bought a really nice loveseat recliner and he never sits next to me. When I ask him to once in awhile he gets mad. We used to go to bed the same time at night, but now he usually stays up later. When we do, he usually tells me he is too tired or achey to put his arm around me. It hurts me because I do a lot an in turn just want a little affection and attention and don't get it. We have sex very little now and when we do a lot of the time its like we are not making love, but just really hard core - not that I don't mind different kinds of fun, but often I am left feeling used and cold.
We rarely go out. We both prefer cooking at home, but once in awhile I like to go out for dinner. If he finally agrees he seems to do so grudgingly which takes the fun out of it.
If a friend invites him or us to do something he is all motivated about it.
We have a lot in common such as where we want to end up one day, the type of lifestyle we want and general values. I am attracted to him. We are both in our 40s but I am almost 5 years older than him.
We both work and make good money, similar incomes. 
I ask myself if I am putting up with too much or if my expectations are not realistic. I am happy that he is not into going out to bars and likes staying home, but sad beause I feel unappreciated and used. The lack of affection is hard too. I care about him very much. If there is something I don't see, please let me know.


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

Did I post this right? I don't see it under new posts.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Hopingitworksout said:


> Did I post this right? I don't see it under new posts.


If you openned the thread and no one else has posted to it, it won't show under your login. Try the drop down box "Quick Links" and pick today's posts. It will show there.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, since he's a boyfriend, you can move out and cut your losses.

I would. I mean, he doesn't sound like the type of person I'd want to build a life with.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

He's already told you and shown you who he is - someone who does not want (or cannot handle) a lot of closeness in a relationship. He is certainly entitled to a distant relationship and you are certainly entitled to a close, loving, affectionate one. But you are each with a person who wants something different.

If your boyfriend is willing to get counseling for his issues with commitment/intimacy, your relationship may have a shot. But this problem rarely gets better on its own.

You may also have some commitment/intimacy issues yourself. Often when one person has commitment issues, the other partner has them, too, only in a "passive" way. This basically means that the passive person (the pursuer) is drawn to someone (the distancer) who can't meet their emotional needs for closeness. The passive/pursuer may feel like they want affection and closeness but they generally aren't attracted to a person who can actually give them that because deep down they are afraid of what being close means (risk of rejection, abandonment, etc.) So unconsciously they pick a partner who can't give them that closeness (like your boyfriend). This may or may not fit your situation, but it's a fairly common scenario.

If you have been with other guys who have not treated you well, not been able to meet your needs, this may be a pattern you want to correct so that eventually you can make a healthier choice in a partner. A therapist could help with this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Hopingitworksout said:


> sad beause I feel unappreciated and used. The lack of affection is hard too. I care about him very much. If there is something I don't see, please let me know.


Actually, I think you see him for what he is, but you don't like it. I lived with a man who used me, and once I realized it, I moved out and got into therapy. Feeling unappreciated and used is no way to live. You can't make him change, but you can certainly move on in order to find a man who will value you for who you are. As Laurae said, you may be unconsciously choosing a "distancer." Counseling could help you figure out why you are attracted to a man who treats you this way.


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

I've tried to take some of the blame. I have some insecurities, but actually have good awareness of them and recognize when they come out. 
One thing I have done wrong is to almost always be the one initiating making up after an arguement, even if he started it or was mean. A good friend said since I do that it validates his behavior. It does not give him a chance to reach out to me and try to make up.
I have been nosey about his behaviors - long time online and checking his phone. For the first several months in our relationship he continued to text his x-girlfriend - tho mostly it was fighting and her wanting to get back with him, he continued on. That hurt a lot and did not help with the insecurity thing.
These are the only things I have recognized I have done.
I have been alone most of my adult life and am scared of that too.
I am fairly attractive, educated and like to have fun.
He has some good qualities, can be a lot of fun,we have a lot of common interests and I really wish we could resolve some problems.
How can I get him to take my concerns seriously and do something about it? He says he wants to stay together and that he loves me.
Help!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Hopingitworksout said:


> How can I get him to take my concerns seriously and do something about it? He says he wants to stay together and that he loves me.


For what it's worth, we ARE trying to help you, but you are not ready to hear it yet. You cannot make your boyfriend, or anyone else, do anything or change their bad behaviors. You can change the way you react, don't react, or clarify what you want in a relationship. The only power to change anything in this situation is for you to change you, because neither you, or anyone else, was born with the power to change another person. He says he loves you and wants to stay. Talk is cheap. Look at his actions. Look at how he treats you.

Your first post goes from you telling us how he treats you like he's using you and doesn't give a good cahoot about your needs, to you saying he tells you he loves you. So what? I've had men tell me they love me, and nothing could be further from the truth, which was clear by the way they treated me.

If you are looking for someone to tell you how to change this man, I don't think you're going to get the answer you desire. If you want to get counseling or change yourself, then fine. People are here to give you the best advice they can, based on what you report. Are you willing to listen to what they have to say?


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

I appreciate the honest responses.
Prodigal, it is true, I can not change him, but I can change the way I react. I think this is exactly why I am thinking this relationship can still work. This is not the first relationship I have been in where I have put up with too much BS. (go figure) Also I grew up with a very kind Mom, a Holocaust survivor, who was submissive to my Dad and he took advantage of her. What I did see though, was that after they divorces (after 31 years of marriage) he ended up with a girlfriend who did not put up with his crap and guess what - he straightened up.
That is why I am examining my own behaviors and thinking/knowing almost, that if I change - I mean really for the first time in my life - make some changes and not be so dependent, that this guy I am with (he really does have some good qualities) might straighten up too. 
I have almost always crawled back, and made the effort to make up. Much of that is becuase I can't stand conflict.
So, can I do it, and how do I do it? 
The next time he acts like a jerk, do I tell him off and then wait for him to come back to me?
Is there any hope here?
Thanks.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Hopingitworksout said:


> I have almost always crawled back, and made the effort to make up. Much of that is becuase I can't stand conflict.
> So, can I do it, and how do I do it?
> The next time he acts like a jerk, do I tell him off and then wait for him to come back to me?


Crawling back doesn't necessarily stop conflict. It does, however, give you peace at any price. The price is your own satisfaction with the relationship, and the fact that your needs aren't being met. That's a high price to pay to avoid conflict.

No, I don't think telling him off when he acts like a jerk will necessarily get him to straighten up. He may get very angry and the fight could escalate. Then you really do have conflict! If you don't like the way you are being treated, calmly inform him that his behavior is undesirable. If he starts getting angry or defensive, calmly restate that you will discuss the issue when he is calmer. Then you go to another room, remove yourself from the house - go take a walk, take a drive in the car, visit a friend. 

BTW, he may not come back to you at all if you tell him off. Being in a relationship where you feel the guy is using you, and you are doing all the giving, means he may find someone else more to his liking. You are going from one extreme to the other: you either buckle under and make up (which keeps the peace, even though you aren't happy), or you decide you'll chew him out in the hopes he'll straighten up. 

I think you need to work on your own self-esteem. Frankly, I wouldn't spend five minutes in the same room with a man who treated me like your bf treats you. I used to spend LOTS of time with men like this. I discovered I was a doormat, and I got tired of playing that role. I spent several years in counseling to figure out why I was in such one-sided relationships. Worked for me. Something you might want to consider.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Crawling back doesn't necessarily stop conflict. It does, however, give you peace at any price. The price is your own satisfaction with the relationship, and the fact that your needs aren't being met. That's a high price to pay to avoid conflict.
> 
> No, I don't think telling him off when he acts like a jerk will necessarily get him to straighten up. He may get very angry and the fight could escalate. Then you really do have conflict! If you don't like the way you are being treated, calmly inform him that his behavior is undesirable. If he starts getting angry or defensive, calmly restate that you will discuss the issue when he is calmer. Then you go to another room, remove yourself from the house - go take a walk, take a drive in the car, visit a friend.
> 
> ...


This is great advice. TAKE IT!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Are you expectatoins too high ? No. The purpose of pre-marital dating / relationships is to determine if the person is a match for you. He is not. Leave him and find someone who is. Also, you can see why shacking up is a poor idea (I'm not judging your morals, this is a practical statement).


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

Thanks you all for the advice. 
I do think people change - because I have seen it, but also want to be realistice, because most do not.
My bf goes through up and down periods and it is not impossible to consider there is some bipolar disorder there. We go through more good times than not, and it is not uncommon for him to reassure me that when he has his anger that it is not because of me.
I have some traits I want to improve - that though I am in my early 40s I have never worked on. I have learned more about myself in this relationship than any other. I have been growing and have a way to go, but as I have, my bf and I have improved our relationship. I have always "given myself away" and I see that the more I put my own needs first - the happier I am and the more other people value me. Why didn't I know that my first 40 years?
I actually believe cohabitating has been a really good thing and have zero regrets. And other than a very brief marriage almost 20 years ago, I have never lived with anyone else. The moving in together in my current realtionship was a big adjustment - and a real eye opener. NO regrets. : )


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*He says he wants to stay together and that he loves me.*

But what if the WAY he loves you just doesn't do it for ya? What if he just can't love someone... YOU.... the way you want him to? 

My ex (h of 23 years) told me how much he loved me, how he loved me more than anything in the world, how I was the best thing that ever happened to him.... all this, as his exit speech. I just told him, if that's true then your love just sucks, it has no value to me. 

I like to think that we women, as we hit our 40's kind of come into KNOWING who we are, what we want, what we can do.... and we don't have to settle. Be strong, independent and still loving without being a door mat. And TALK TALK TALK.....


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

I can try to work toward the mindset of breaking up and meaning it... We live in Hawaii and if we break up I will only move back to the mainland US (where I have family and friends). So, until I find a job will need to continue living with him - (we have a lease that can not be cancelled unless we move out of state and I do NOT want a room mate and can't aford the place alone) Despite this and though it will make it harder, I don't regret that we have live together, but have learned a lesson about it all being more complicated when you live with someone.
I know while I try to just focus on myself, and not continue to do things for him, as a way to start pulling away, there is a glimmer of hope that he will see the light and maybe try to make a serious change or get help... On the other hand, as much as he blames me for things (even wrongfully) maybe he will be happy to be "rid" of me. That might be really hard for me. I was totally neglected physically and emotionally thoughout my childhood, so the being discarded feeling rips my heart to pieces. Scary.


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

I still have to add though - I am still afraid that my faults have created a large part of some of our problems (and I know I CAN change if given a chance). I have let my own life go - do not do much socially outside our relationship (though we do things together with other couples often); I have let my own insecurities make me suspicious when I somethines probably shouldn;t be; I have been nosey and wanted to know what he is up to and where he is (some of that is to plan dinner, or just to know when he is going to be home - but it often based on my insecurity); I have always been the one to try to patch things up no matter who has started the feud. I have not ever really pulled away or given him the opportunity to show me he loves me, because I am always right there waiting to be loved.... Does that shed any light on this?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm sorry he's so insensitive towards you. My husband is pretty much the same way, and after awhile if you just get used to it and he gets lazy, no progress happens.

I'm learning the hard way, right now, that I have to change MYSELF, I'm working on myself to be less dependant, less needy, more secure and esteemed in my own right. So I don't feel like I "need" him so much... Being needy is only pushing him away. 

I have a mind that just won't quit... and I mean WON'T, When there is an unresolved problem or issue... and like you, much of the time I would initiate some sort of "peace" request because I couldn't STAND to feel so unsettled. Only his behavior and my behavior stayed the same, so it was just a matter of time before our problems resurfaced again.

I've been working on detaching myself emotionally, for my OWN sanity. It's NOT EASY. 23,856 times a day I want to text, call, question, bother, interrogate, seek reassurance and just plain overwhelm my husband because I feel so incredibly deprived and lonely. I want his attention, I want him to act like I'm important, and when he doesn't I FEEL AWFUL!

Since he never really responded to my neediness the way I wanted him to, (a lot of the time making me feel WORSE with gestures like sighing loudly and rolling his eyes), the behaviors I was using weren't working to get the result I really wanted... and I'm working on not doing those things anymore. 

I'm only in the beginning stages of pulling away, but I feel much better mentally then I did a few weeks ago. I feel AWESOME when he texts or calls me FIRST, (just as an example), because I've backed off. This is compared to the results of texting him constantly and being ignored.

Stop asking your boyfriend for affection and reassurance - the rejection is hurting you, and if he does it, he's just going to do it in a way that makes you feel bad. 

I've been reading about the "180" and so far using the strategies is helping me to feel better about myself. I feel like I have some control and power over what I feel, instead of just allowing myself to feel like dirt when he isn't who I want him to be.

I'm still slipping up from time to time, and I still want his attention and affection... but I've found that approaching him less is resulting in him approaching me more. The less I approach him, the less I am rejected and the better I feel.

I'm also in counseling, and while I'm not sure it's helping me much, it keeps me focused on myself and less on him. 

I hope you can find some relief - I know exactly how you feel, and how hopeless it can seem. If, in the end, he doesn't want to be a more loving person, well at least you've given yourself the time and attention neccessary to let it go and find someone who truly deserves you.

I think our situations are pretty common once couples hit the "comfortable" stage in the relationship... You start taking each other for granted.

I'm hoping the best for you. I know how painful this is... *hugs*


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

Thank you Yin Princess, you seem to really understand where I am coming from and have a similar attitude.
We had another makeup and he was sweet, but then another blowup due to nothing but his temper and blaming me for nothing. So, I am finally trying to accept that this will be a cycle and I have to not at all be the one to move toward him. He called me horrible names and it really brought out the worst in me - I threw a glass and cussed like crazy. 
He has not talked to me for a few days and said he would move out this time but does not have anywhere to go.
He did ask to borrow my car for a fast run to the store and I said he could if he apologized for calling me a "C*NT" - he refused so he rode his motorcycle in the rain to the store. I actually felt good that I held him accountable. I did make turkey soup for dinner and offered him some, but he refused.
Maybe this is it, maybe it is over, but I have to not give in and focus on doing good things for myself.
BTW - I went and got Christmas decorations and put up a tree and it looks great. I will enjoy it.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Stick with it, hun. He would have got a lot worse from me, if I were called the C word... LoL!

Keep detaching for yourself, for your own sanity. If he wants to argue just walk away. Don't let him suck you into conversations, or let him get a rise out of you when he tries to hurt your feelings. Having control over your reactions is the best way you can feel better about your situation.

Btw - I slipped up, too, recently. It was a small thing, but you know, being pregnant and hormonal made me blow thwe situation all out of proportion.

Husband and I were at my mom's house doing laundry and watching t.v. We were getting along for a bit, even making out on the couch like teenagers... LoL...

Then I wanted to get up off the couch to go check the laundry during the commercial. The couch is the sort you really sink into when you sit, so I asked my husband to help me up. (Been having back and hip problems along with pregnancy, I'd worked all night and had 4 hours of sleep before going to my mom's). 

My husband jumped up, grabbed my hand and said, "well sure, I didn't know that you were helpless". I was shocked that he would speak to me like that, and I immediately asked for an apology, which he refused.

Bringing out my passive-aggressive side, he finished and folded the laundry by himself, because yes, as a matter of fact, I became helpless  lol

He got angry and I lost my cool and we fought. I was so far from the 180 I couldn't even see it anymore... But the next day I got up and began again.

Having that fight made me realize how much I need the 180 for ME. I can't be stressed out like that anymore... And he got under my skin and knew it, which made me even more mad at myself.

Stick with it and see where things go... Good luck and keep us updated!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

I swear we have men who were separated at birth! Well, probably not, it took some crappy nurturing to get them where they are.
I am determined to NOT make efforts to working things out. HE has to initiate it for so many reasons. One, so he realizes I really do have boundaries. Two, to even see if he will make the effort. And three, jst because he should! I am convinced that this may be the last time I have the opportunity to try fully backing off - something I have never done, ever in my life. Then, even if he does not come around, at least I will know that I, in fact, tried everything. I truly believe that it has been a horrible mistake for me to always be the one to try to patch things up. But, I am only human.
Today was a very hard day, but I got through it. Going to focus on me and what I want.
Good luck to you Yin, I swear I could finish your stories for you.
You sound like a very reasonable person and your man shoud be happy to have someone like you. AND appreciate you and SHOW it.
Thanks. : )


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you, and the same to you!  But if you ask my husband about that night I'll bet he will say I wasn't so reasonable... LoL!! I bet he will think twice before calling me helpless again!  

The hardest part about detaching is not reacting the way we're PROGRAMED to... Out of emotion and not out of logic. I've found the very easiest way to handle things is to act JUST like my husband. Turns out he doesn't take his own medicine very well 

We've been mostly off and on with little spats. I'm staying mindful of just not arguing with him, and letting him approach me when he needs resolve. I'm letting go of seeking resolve for myself, and you know what I've discovered? HE doesn't like to remained unresolved, either, and HAS to approach me to feel comfortable again. And when he does I am nice as pie. I listen, don't argue and agree that his feelings are valid. I want him to respect me, and doing this helps me respect myself. I draw the lines. It's so difficult, but once you get the hang of it, you're going to feel much better and respectful of yourself!

Keep at it. I really do think that if, in the end, the relationship can't be saved after we have tried everything, well it still wasn't a waste of time. It's a learning experience we get to keep with us forever! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

He is still not talking to me. No "hello" no nothing. Kinda cruel, but in his mind - or at least what he has told me - everything is my fault. (he must not remember he talked to me about a week ago about needing to start meds because of his anxiety).
I am trying and so far suceeding to not make conversation. It is hard! We sit in the same room all evening and he does not speak. I have got to be strong and watch what I do and not be the one to try to make up.
What I really want to do is go to my bedroom and cry, because this is going on with the man I have really loved and this fighting, silent treatment and potential break up is breaking my heart.


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