# when the WS is a jackass.



## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

So, Ive posted on here a few times. Once a few years ago- and a few months ago. My husband and I are in the stage where were trying to make it work, but we are on two completely different pages. We are both in therapy, hes an addict, im the codependent. He cheated several times, and I found out for the first time a few years ago, and was basically told the "truth" a couple of months ago. So its pretty ****ty around here. I cheated after he did the first time- horrible choice, and you could imagine how much he throws that in my face if i mention anything to him. 

Anyways IM not sure if all that back story is relevant, but heres my main issue. Where do you draw the line in recovery? How much do you take? HE raises his voice and yells whenever we have a disagreement, he storms out, ignores me. and im left here crying , upset and vulnerable. I think im doing more harm to myself than good. We have two little girls and im dying to keep this family together for them, but at what cost to myself? We have good times, but the bad times are horrific. And its the way he goes about it. IM home sick from work today, and it seems like everytime were together and sex isnt involved hes just beyond nasty and dosent want to hear it.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

How much do YOU want to take? You said that you think you are doing more harm to yourself. Maybe that is your answer. I was in limbo hell with my STBX for years and am just now climbing out and used the very same thoughts; I think of them as excuses now-that to keep my family together and to keep my children's father around, that this is what I needed to do.

I finally decided that all the s*** just wasn't worth my suffering any longer. My kids were going to be fine. I am not trying to convince you to do what I did. What I am hearing is that it doesn't seem that he is managing things very well with you. You have to decide if the horrific times are not as bad as the good times. I hope you are able to bring this up in therapy and if you don't feel like you are being heard in or that therapy is helping; find another therapist.

I really do feel for you~


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Are you saying he is mean all of the time unless sex is involved, or he is like that only when you have had a disagreement?


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

thats a great question, and I dont know.From what im being told Im supposed to work on myself, which I am. I stayed home with the kids for 7 years, he was in the military and ,lived away from us for a majority of it. I recently took a full time job, restarted my masters and am training for martial arts competitions. So actually putting my needs on the list, is helping. I guess my major issue is the chronic nastiness. He has a mood disorder and hasn't been put on anything yet for it, so if hes tired, hungry, has a headache hes snappy and mean. I know we all can be at times, but i hear this daily, its always something. And when your trying to work on yourself, and cope with the fact that everything you thought your life was for 8 years, really isnt, its off putting. 

About an hour ago he storms out of here screaming, turns his phone off. This isnt new to me, he did this all the time when he was drinking, and from what im realizing now, it was so he could have an excuse to go out, get drunk and be with other women. 

He isnt nasty all the time. We do have good times. But before for example, Im home sick. He comes up to me and kisses and hugs me, starts rubbing me and whatever, we stop because im sick, though hes ready to go. Like 10 minutes later were sitting down and I tell him i have to get something off my chest, he goes off on me all nasty, so i throw a jab at him about how, well do you just treat me this nasty, I bet you never treated the other women you were with this nasty. So thats my main struggle right now. 

You have the balls to treat me this ****ty when IM trying to talk to you about things that upset me, so i dont hold them in a harp on them and get upset. I started the convo very nicely, and still he make it ****ty. 

Thanks for your responses!! Hope i answered the questions. IM a little razzled now, a little bit of anger mixed in with some hurt and disappointment


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Slipping said:


> so i throw a jab at him about how, well do you just treat me this nasty, I bet you never treated the other women you were with this nasty. (


I bet he did- if he was with them long enough.

I'm sure in the beginning you didn't see any of the nastiness.

That's how it works with these dysfunctional sociopathic types.


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

your right. IN the beginning it was easier to shrug off. Then when you realize, wow hes ignoring me and being so nasty to me, and getting a thrill and enjoyment out of pursuing other women. WHat a load of ****, right? Ive normalized this whole situation, which i shouldnt have. I need to really see this for what it is.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You're getting there.

The next step is to get the strength to kick him to the curb.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Slipping. As the WS, your husband has no business trying to get all big and bad with you, IMO.

Doesn't sound like he is remorseful. I think he needs to be given the pink slip


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Slipping. As the WS, your husband has no business trying to get all big and bad with you, IMO.
> 
> Doesn't sound like he is remorseful. I think he needs to be given the pink slip


our situation is a bit...ridiculous. First 5 years, it was him being an alcoholic, us fighting, him running off or ignoring me for days when he was living away. Him lying and saying he was sleeping, when he was really out with other women. SO when He was being charged with sexual assault from a girl he was messing around with, His lawyer "slipped" on the phone and told me. My husband said the reason he was being held in japan was because he got in a fight with a guy. HE never owned up to what really happened until 3 years later. In between that time, from initially finding out he cheated, I had a year and a half affair. DISGUSTING. It was a revenge affair that lasted way longer than it should have because it should have never happened, It did more harm than good to me, and the situation. Fast forward to a year later...he comes home and is living with us again. He becomes nasty as soon as he starts living home, lies about his sobriety, and cheats on me again. Meets a women on our anniversary, lies in marriage counseling, makes plans to meet other women while he goes away once a month. He gets a therapist, starts AA says hes doing great. Says his nastiness is part of the process, gets holy **** mad at me for having my ups and downs and moods. 

I am not crying here claiming to be an angel. I am fiesty, and I put alot into everything I do. I HATE being lied to, and I feel thats all he does is lie. For instance, hes been sober 3 months, he recently graduated from an EMT course. The night he passed the state test he went out with his class. I thought that was appropriate until I got an alert from a charge at a bar. He didnt come home drunk, but a girl from his class drove him home, she sped off when she saw me. HE told me he wasnt friends with any girlks in his class, then the following day tells me shes a good friend, then he recants that statement. 

WHy are you in a bar, when your a recovering alcoholic? Why is a girl driving you home, when you cheated on your wife? Just talking about this makes me realize how pathetic I am for putting up with him.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Slipping said:


> our situation is a bit...ridiculous. First 5 years, it was him being an alcoholic, us fighting, him running off or ignoring me for days when he was living away. Him lying and saying he was sleeping, when he was really out with other women. SO when He was being charged with sexual assault from a girl he was messing around with, His lawyer "slipped" on the phone and told me. My husband said the reason he was being held in japan was because he got in a fight with a guy. HE never owned up to what really happened until 3 years later. In between that time, from initially finding out he cheated, I had a year and a half affair. DISGUSTING. It was a revenge affair that lasted way longer than it should have because it should have never happened, It did more harm than good to me, and the situation. Fast forward to a year later...he comes home and is living with us again. He becomes nasty as soon as he starts living home, lies about his sobriety, and cheats on me again. Meets a women on our anniversary, lies in marriage counseling, makes plans to meet other women while he goes away once a month. He gets a therapist, starts AA says hes doing great. Says his nastiness is part of the process, gets holy **** mad at me for having my ups and downs and moods.
> 
> I am not crying here claiming to be an angel. I am fiesty, and I put alot into everything I do. I HATE being lied to, and I feel thats all he does is lie. For instance, hes been sober 3 months, he recently graduated from an EMT course. The night he passed the state test he went out with his class. I thought that was appropriate until I got an alert from a charge at a bar. He didnt come home drunk, but a girl from his class drove him home, she sped off when she saw me. HE told me he wasnt friends with any girlks in his class, then the following day tells me shes a good friend, then he recants that statement.
> 
> WHy are you in a bar, when your a recovering alcoholic? Why is a girl driving you home, when you cheated on your wife? Just talking about this makes me realize how pathetic I am for putting up with him.


Please don't take this the wrong way because you still have feelings for him but as a man let me say this to you. Your husband is a friggin loser. He's a jacka$$. He's a total douche bag. You need to cut all contact and dump his sorry butt. He's had chances to change and hasn't. I know you fine ladies are born with a nurturing nature and want to "fix" him but this jacka$$ is unfixable. Save yourself.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Slipping said:


> WHy are you in a bar, when your a recovering alcoholic, *let alone an unfaithful spouse*?



There, fixed it for you.




> Why is a girl driving you home, when you cheated on your wife? Just talking about this makes me realize how pathetic I am for putting up with him.


Don't ever think that. Its hard to think about leaving one's marriage. Believe me, I know.

Let me ask you something if I may. Is he the breadwinner? If so, does he have a sizable retirement? If so, hit him where it hurts.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The Healing Heart: The 180

Go to this link. Follow it word for word. 

Your husband is a serial cheater. He can't stop even if he wanted to.

If he goes off just say "I'm sorry you feel that way.". Smile or just walk away. It will get his ATTN much more than anything else. 

If he says anything about your revenge affair, tell him you've known how it feels for years to be cheated on.


Time for you to find a real man.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

No you are not pathetic. You were a woman trying to salvage her marriage. For me all the lies that I was told and I believed as I didn't know they were all lies is what put me over the edge. Yes how could he do all those things? This is not the kind of husband you want. Read about the 180 above. I am attempting that now and will not answer any texts or calls unless they are about our children. It has helped me.

I know it is hard, but the best thing for you would be to make a decision and go forward with it and not look back. The drinking, the lies, the deceit and utter betrayal are what I remember and what I am trying to get away from. You mentioned co-dependency; and yes that is familiar to me too. Maybe you have now given it your all and it is time to get away from all of that. There is no shame in it. It is a hard road no matter what you do.


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

yea well he came home with the kids and as you could imagine it got even worse. Hes set that I started the conversation to illicit a response in him and that im manipulating the situation and only want to see him do bad. Hes saying all this **** about how Im lying to my therapist to make myself feel better? I am brutally honest with this woman, and she calls me out when im being a certain way, so I dont now where any of that comes from. It got absolutely nowhere. ANd I am so sick and tired of crying over this bull****. Why am i the one crying and getting upset?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He sounds pretty high on the sociopath scale. He also ranks high on the promiscuous scale also. He will have no issue cheating on you, but when it comes to someone else crossing him, a different story. Most people will have a drive to cheat, but usually the moral center of the brain takes factors into account.

When you first dated him, he was in the infatuation stage. He was literally addicted to you. The dopamine and PEA chemicals acted like cocaine on his brain. His focus narrowed, and you got him on his best behavior.

Your in an abusive cycle. That is why it is hard to leave, you get addicted to the drama. Normal relations go through smooth ups and downs. Your relation goes in steep spikes. When your on a low, you want to leave, or you feel as if you should leave. Then comes the highs where he acts sweet and lures you into the cycle again. During that high cycle, you hyper bond to him. In your head you may say that he really loves me, he cares about me, he doesn't want to hurt me, and so on and so on. The abuse victim gets addicted to the drama and they learn that they cannot operate in a healthy relationship. If you ever enter a healthy relationship with another man, he will not invoke those same highs and you will lose interest in him. Children that come from abusive homes suffer this issue and they tend to sabotage their own relationships, believing sometimes it is their partner that is dull and boring, when they are the one that needs the highs and lows to operate.

Hopefully you detach, and break the cycle. For the best interest of your children, you need to remove them from that toxic environment. They will most likely be abusers or find abusive partners. It really is a vicious cycle.


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> He sounds pretty high on the sociopath scale.


Not to sound ignorant, I know what a sociopath is, but can you explain exactly what you mean in this situation by saying he is that? 

And the home I grew up in was pretty bad, as Im realizing through therapy. My father came home every night *****ing about something, screaming yelling verbally abusing and my mother overlooked things and brushed everything under the carpet. 

I suffer from anxiety as you could imagine, ever since childhood. It was always "brushed under the carpet" and now its coming out physically( OCD, paranoia, agitation) and I cant suppress it anymore and have no clue how to process and handle the emotions I am feeling. It comes in waves, so sometimes I have it under control, other times Im in another place. 

But yea, I agree, Im the one who came from an emotionally abusive household, and here I am now. I worry about my kids so much, and I just want to do whats right. And i know being hurt all the time isnt outweighing the benefit of him being here.

I guess in time I will realize what I need to do and stick with it. Thanks for your feedback.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Slipping said:


> Not to sound ignorant, I know what a sociopath is, but can you explain exactly what you mean in this situation by saying he is that?
> 
> And the home I grew up in was pretty bad, as Im realizing through therapy. My father came home every night *****ing about something, screaming yelling verbally abusing and my mother overlooked things and brushed everything under the carpet.
> 
> ...




Is there a place where you can receive help? Have you tried a woman's shelter, they will tend to help you get your life in order. These next steps will be very difficult.

You will soon have to learn on how to operate in a stable environment. Create a support system around you. Create an exit strategy, and do this at your own pace.

Before you can really work on your issues, you need stability to tackle your issues in a more efficient way. Leaving the marriage is the big step you need to take. The more improvements you make, and the more goals you accomplish should help with the anxiety. Have a big goal in mind, and create minor manageable goals to accomplish. Also create a contingency plan.


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Is there a place where you can receive help? Have you tried a woman's shelter, they will tend to help you get your life in order. These next steps will be very difficult.


Im seeing a therapist once a week, I started working full time, im pretty busy with the kids and school. I dont think its at the point where I have to leave for shelter. Its hard for me to keep quiet and not express myself, but thats the route Ill go for the time being. Thanks for all your help!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Slipping said:


> Im seeing a therapist once a week, I started working full time, im pretty busy with the kids and school. I dont think its at the point where I have to leave for shelter. Its hard for me to keep quiet and not express myself, but thats the route Ill go for the time being. Thanks for all your help!



No prob, my last advice is to gather evidence when the time comes. Save all texts and voice mails. Create multiple copies. Be smart about this. Confide in someone you trust, and a therapist could be used as a witness. If he is verbally abusing you, buy a voice recorder or use your phone, and again email those files to a safe place. It is never to early to build your case.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you want your children repeating your marriage some day? I would imagine not. But that's what they see (and children always see more than parents think they do) so there's a good chance that'll happen.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How old are the kids?

Sorry you are hurting.

So why doesn't your H wake up, if you are in training for marital arts?

Yes, there were some bad things in the past for both of you, but he still is not trying. His bad things are current.

It takes two trying to make a marriage work. If he is not trying, you can't fix it by yourself. I hope you do make a plan. It may have to be without him, if he will not change. 

I do hope you can get him to be honest and be honest in counseling. Have you stopped all contact with the OM and that is in the past? 

Maybe your counselor has some advice when he gets so upset, but he will not wake up in time. 

See an attorney.

Hope you find some peace.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

FOO issues can be the reason you are in this relationship.

You need to get out.

If you husband repairs himself in therapy, you can date him. 

No alcohol should be mandatory for you to even consider staying.

EMT? He will be fvcking other EMT colleague, nurses.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I implore you, please don't be an idiot and one of "those" women. The ones who try their darndest to keep their marriage together because of 'the children' or 'he can change' or whatever lunacy reasoning weak-willed women come up with.


Wow. "Weak-willed" "Idiot" Really? I don't think there is any shame in trying to do everything you can to make a marriage work. Some men are also sneaky and manipulative and give a woman just a little hope and that keeps them going. When there are children involved it is even more so. I think Slipping gets it now; exactly what her marriage is. She is actually strong for realizing this now and seemingly that she is going to do something about it. I feel these comments were uncalled for.


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

Thanks everyone for all the feedback. Some comments were a little harsher than others, but that's fine. If I saw my situation from the outside like you all do, I know I would have left a long time ago. But as most of you know, its alot harder to make that logical decision when your living it, and filled with emotions. I know exactly what I have to do, and what I should do to maintain whatever bit of self respect is left inside of me. But knowing it, and doing it are two different things. I have come a lonnnng way these past 4 months. Even this past month. I have realized why I am the way I am, and am working to get to a place where I can be happy. 

SLow progress is still progress. thanks again.


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