# What does Respect look like to you?



## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

TBH, I never really understood the indications of respect. I want to find more ways to respect and serve my husband. 

I was raised with the ideal to "respect your elders" and took that to mean whatever they wanted they got. Want me to fetch some water? Sure. Want me to stop talking? Sure. 

But in those instances the dynamic is very top-bottom. Elders rank higher than I. Whereas in marriage, DH and I are equals and partners. 

So what does respect look like to equals. 

To me, it includes: 
-Opening doors and helping the spouse out when you can. 
-Not interrupting them when they speak
-Listening attentively with an open mind and heart <-- for me this includes EYE CONTACT. lol! 

How is respect shown in your dynamic? 

Conversely, what are signs of DISRESPECT?


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## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

Interesting question!

To me, respect isn't a way of behaving in their presence, it's a mindset and something you take with you everywhere. Respect means holding them in a high regard, and conveying that wherever you go. For example, if you are out with your friends, it's disrespectful to your wife to talk about how annoying she is, or how she never does anything, and it's respectful if someone else talks about her that way, to ask them to stop.

It doesn't mean acts of service (to me), just how you see them.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

One key indicator of respect for me is truth-telling, even if this truth is unpleasant or could possibly hurt the recipient. The respect comes through in assuming that the hearer is capable of dealing with unpleasant truth. "What you don't know won't hurt you" is a disrespectful premise, IMO.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Well, I just respect my husband by considering his feelings in anything i do, just to show him loving, and kindness.

Listening when hes telling me something maybe i am not really into like the football:sleeping:.......... Taking interest instead of yawning when its something hes interested in that is not really for me.

I never shout at him, or nag his head off as i really do not think that men like a nag

If i want to do something i also see if its Okay with him to see if hes alright with it.

Just treat him as i want to be treated, I always think if you not respecting him, then he wont respect you.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

For me, the equation is very simple..

respect = empathy

I don't always agree with people but I 'try' to perceive the world as they do so I can better understand their needs and wants. Oh, and I never think I'm better than anyone else; I may pretend sometimes but that's usually because I'm overwhelmed by their intellect and I need a backup strategy to save face! lol


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

Dissevered Soul said:


> Interesting question!
> 
> To me, respect isn't a way of behaving in their presence, it's a mindset and something you take with you everywhere. Respect means holding them in a high regard, and conveying that wherever you go. For example, if you are out with your friends, it's disrespectful to your wife to talk about how annoying she is, or how she never does anything, and it's respectful if someone else talks about her that way, to ask them to stop.
> 
> It doesn't mean acts of service (to me), just how you see them.


That very interesting. I hear people say "show some respect" so my brain has a hard time translating a mindset to actions. I hold my husband in the highest regard. But I'm a little fuzzy as how exactly my regard for him comes across in actions. 

My "acts of service" is from the model of opening doors, letting them go in front of you, offering a jacket, etc, from the days of chivalry. My husband does that for me. So what can I do for him? 

And it's also a double whammy b/c for DH, his main love language is acts of service. 

I might be over thinking it, though. Sometimes my brain gets too wound up on the details, that it misses the whole point.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Hmmm yeah... I'd be willing to bet that most of the female respondents to your thread will volunteer 'actions' whilst men will describe mindsets. Will be interested to read the feedback!


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## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

Good point. I think that the #1 thing with respect is holding them in a high regard. Next comes naturally, you are willing to help them out with things. In your example, a man wouldn't open a door for a girl he didn't respect, because he doesn't think anything of her. Alternatively, for a woman he respected, because he thinks highly of her, he opens the door for her. 

For a Male whose love language is acts of service, have you tried things like bringing him drinks when he's thirsty, letting him sit at the table and you bring him his food, doing favors for him like picking up the milk when he was planning on it, etc.?


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

Dissevered Soul said:


> Good point. I think that the #1 thing with respect is holding them in a high regard. Next comes naturally, you are willing to help them out with things. In your example, a man wouldn't open a door for a girl he didn't respect, because he doesn't think anything of her. Alternatively, for a woman he respected, because he thinks highly of her, he opens the door for her.
> 
> For a Male whose love language is acts of service, have you tried things like bringing him drinks when he's thirsty, letting him sit at the table and you bring him his food, doing favors for him like picking up the milk when he was planning on it, etc.?


Well, it's been about a week since we took the love language quiz. I've served him food (normally he insists on making his own plate), and I've packed his lunch (which he normally doesn't let me do). I've rubbed his back/shoulders/scalp more. I've been more attentive to his moods so if he is exhausted, I let him sleep instead of pestering him to help ME with the house. I'm changed my attitude about how he does things. Like the sleeping bit. He's on third shift now, so he sleeps during the day. A couple days ago he came home and fell asleep as soon as he walked in the door. I let him be, but called him at mid-day for a "wake up call" knowing he would have had a good amount of sleep and b/c he had plans he would miss if he continued sleeping. Instead of being frustrated that he didn't wake up BEFORE i called him. I was loving on the phone. 

I don't know if I'm doing enough. Should I do more. It's a new territory for me. I've asked him what I could do to serve him and he has no clue. Silly husband. :rofl:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Aretha Franklin


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> Aretha Franklin


Obama tries to show some R-E-S-P-E-C-T – CNN Political Ticker - CNN.com Blogs


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *MysticSoul said*: TBH, I never really understood the indications of respect.* I want to find more ways to respect and serve my husband. *


How wonderful to hear a wife desiring to find more ways to show Respect and serve her husband !! :smthumbup:

I feel our husbands NEED our Admiration & RESPECT...this UPS something in them.....It helps if they treat us with Love & Respect though too, setting that example...

RESPECT *Definition here* .....

*1. *Esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: _I have great respect for her judgment._

*2.* deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.

*3*. the condition of being esteemed or honored:



> *MysticSoul said*:
> *I was raised with the ideal to "respect your elders" and took that to mean whatever they wanted they got. Want me to fetch some water? Sure. Want me to stop talking? Sure.
> 
> But in those instances the dynamic is very top-bottom. Elders rank higher than I. Whereas in marriage, DH and I are equals and partners.*


 Respecting elders is a good thing to learn...but life is never this simple as some Elders are not so worthy of respect.. just because they are older speaks nothing of them being "Over you" and your fetching and doing as they please.... many things can be twisted and abused even in that scenario... if you came from a wonderful family, maybe not so much.. but still...

A person worthy of respect generally has a Good reputation, a character we look up to...these people treat others with kindness, they don't encroach on others personal boundaries.. do not take advantage for personal gain.. things like that... even if they are in a position of power. 



> *MysticSoul said*: So what does respect look like to equals.
> 
> To me, it includes:
> -*Opening doors and helping the spouse out when you can.
> ...


 These are signs of respect... Eye contact...that's a good one..in the day of people burying their heads in their phones & ipods while having a conversation...it makes you feel like you aren't as important to them....it's not a good feeling...it's basically bad manners and just rude.. 



> *MysticSoul said*H*ow is respect shown in your dynamic?
> 
> Conversely, what are signs of DISRESPECT*?


 I respect my husband by caring for his needs.. and his wants.. showing him







with my attitude...I may miss it once in a while, but I make it up to him..always.... I validate him... I help him with his projects, I may hold my tongue when I want to say more -but know I am just being selfish at the time... I show appreciation ..the little things go a long way....through our words, our actions...our enthusiasm... I see this as showing respect...so long as it is genuine...they wouldn't want otherwise. 

Signs of Disrespect... if/when we make promises to our Husband's and forget all about them...they feel slighted, forgotten/ disrespected... when we show attitude and he doesn't deserve it...if we ASK TOO MUCH from a man who is doing all he can ....yet we never seem satisfied...but act like we are "entitled".. 



If you really want to read a thorough write up on what RESPECT means to our men... there is no finer book than Love And Respect By Eggerichs.....has over 780







reviews ...











> _Book review_:
> 
> *"Love And Respect"* by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a phenomenal marriage tool that should be in the hands of every husband and wife. This book has drastically changed my approach to marriage, especially helping my husband and I understand each other and our responses a bit better. This book highlights some of the greatest communication mysteries that have perplexed husbands and wives for centuries! Eggerichs and his wife discovered a truth regarding marriages found in Ephesians 5:33,
> 
> ...


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

MysticSoul said:


> How is respect shown in your dynamic?


Respect is earned. My husband treats me well, so he has my respect and vice versa.

I think respect in a marriage is shown in the day to day interactions. You don't express respect in big gestures, but it's a feeling you get from small everyday actions like being treated like an equal, not like a child or a servant. It's keeping a promise made. Not constantly belittling someone or exposing them to ridicule. It's keeping them informed of what's going on and including them in decisions both large and small that affect the marriage. It's making them feel valued and important. You make it clear your spouse is someone you cherish and you do that with words plus actions. That's respect to me in a nutshell. 


MysticSoul said:


> Conversely, what are signs of DISRESPECT?


I don't think he disrespects me, but the following would constitute disrespect..

-blatantly checking out another woman while I'm with him
-flirting inappropriately with another woman
-calling me nasty names or insulting me, demeaning me, disaparaging me and my life
-an affair
-any kind of abuse


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

As a man who his his second love language as words of affirmation, I would feel respected if my wife IN MY PRESENCE would defend me to friends and/or family. When I work long hours to provide for our family for her to recognize that, instead of resenting that I'm gone too many hours. I would also feel respected if she would consider how I feel about something before any big decisions are made.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My thoughts of respect are simple.

It is a two way street.

_" Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you..."_

Do not treat me badly if you want me to treat you nicely.
I will not treat you badly because I hate shabby treatment.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

Thanks so much for all your answers! This has been very helpful!


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Biggest form of respect for me is communication. I think mainly because I am hearing impaired and physical vis a vis communication is how I am able to connect to people regardless of what the relationship is between that person and myself is.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Respect to me is three things: truth, understanding, and humility.

It is respectful to tell the truth, even to be radically honest at the detriment to your own reputation or standing, than it is to cover the truth with lies. Sometimes the truth can hurt, but often those we love will come to respect us more for having told it than to deceive them with words they only want to hear.

It is more respectful to try and understand a person than to judge them and say they are wrong, and then steamroller them with your own opinion. "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

It is respectful to be humble about your successes and achievements, especially if they place a shadow on your loved one(s). Relationships are not about competing to be the best, have the most friends, the most things, or to boast and brag about things publicly. Feeling boastful on the inside but choosing to hold it close and not shout it to the world is being humble. I feel that when we constantly share our successes or triumphs, we are losing the "specialness" or feeling of true accomplishment because we have decided to share it with others. Sometimes, we want to share a very special event, and this to me is fine. I am more talking about people who can't help but share every little thing, such as on social media like Facebook or other.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MysticSoul said:


> How is respect shown in your dynamic?
> 
> Conversely, what are signs of DISRESPECT?


I pretty much do what he wants. I apologize when he feels disrespected, or I feel I have hurt or disrespected him.

I am sure my screaming at him is disrespectful, or when I do not make him a priority.

I think I scream at him because I do not feel I am a priority at all.

So if he would make me a priority, listen to what I have to say, and do it, then I do not think I would be screaming. And it would be better for him to just say no, I am not going to do that, than to say yeah, yeah, yeah . . . and not do it. That is when I really feel disrespected.

Honestly, regarding the whole respect thing . . . I just want to feel _loved_.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

jld said:


> I pretty much do what he wants. I apologize when he feels disrespected, or I feel I have hurt or disrespected him.
> 
> I am sure my screaming at him is disrespectful, or when I do not make him a priority.
> 
> ...


I am guessing he feels disrespected when you tell him what to do.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> I am guessing he feels disrespected when you tell him what to do.


That seems reasonable, but he told me today he needs a kick in the *** sometimes. I am kind of annoyed by that. I think he should kick his own ***.

We need lots more communication on this.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

jld said:


> That seems reasonable, but he told me today he needs a kick in the *** sometimes. I am kind of annoyed by that. I think he should kick his own ***.
> 
> We need lots more communication on this.


I hear you. I was in that cycle for a while with my DH. There were so many days I felt like his mother, not his wife. I told him SO MANY times that I don't want to be his mother. 

I'm not sure exactly WHAT caused it to change, or how exactly we got to this point. But it seems like the less I nagged him, or questioned his capacity to do x,y,z, the more likely he was to do it. Every time he did something, I praised and encouraged him. 

I had to let go of my control (need for control), and trust him. 

I'm sure on his end, he felt more comfortable doing things knowing that I wasn't going to come around and tell him he doesn't know how to do x,y,z. Hearing anything you do, isn't GOOD enough or doesn't meet my specifications, is a bad dynamic for a marriage, imo. And I was totally guilty of it. I discovered when I started trusting that he would get it done, he started getting it done.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Respect, to me, is showing your spouse empathy, while still adhering to your boundaries. 

I hate when my man plays his world of tanks game, but I empathasize with his need to get away from reality for a bit. But that doesn't mean that he plays all day and night.  He shows me respect by getting off the damn game and suggesting something for the two of us to do together.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MysticSoul said:


> I hear you. I was in that cycle for a while with my DH. There were so many days I felt like his mother, not his wife. I told him SO MANY times that I don't want to be his mother.
> 
> I'm not sure exactly WHAT caused it to change, or how exactly we got to this point. But it seems like the less I nagged him, or questioned his capacity to do x,y,z, the more likely he was to do it. Every time he did something, I praised and encouraged him.
> 
> ...


Well, for sure I can't be his mom. I am just not well-suited to that role at all, lol.

I will have to talk to him more about this. I think he just meant that it is okay for me to tell him exactly how disappointed I am in him when he is not organized, does not meet deadlines, does not have a sense of urgency, etc. He appreciates my transparency when I tell him exactly how I feel.

In my experience, dh gets things done when he feels it is important to get things done. There is not really any pushing that is that effective long term. 

And it is not worth it to me. I scream and holler, and then I give up. And then at some point down the road, he sees the wisdom in what I have said, and quietly starts to do it.

Now if only I could fast forward us to those points . . .


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

To me, respect is having him treat you how you treat him. He holds a door open for me? Kudos, ill push his open from the inside. 
He listens to me? Ill listen to him. He supports me? I support him. He eyebangs some chick on the street? I eyebang a way hotter guy. Thats respect to me. Having him treat you how you treat him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think respect is shown in lots of little ways in every day life. I respect my husband by running things past him to see how he feels about it, especially if it affects the household. 

We respect each other by never yelling, not leaving our clothes lying around for "someone" to pick up and put in the wash. Picking up after ourselves in general - again, not just leaving stuff there for "someone" to take care of.

We respect each other by listening and really hearing each other, and acting on things we know the other likes as a result.

I respect him by never badmouthing him to friends/family, I can't stand it when people do that. No one's perfect after all.

I respect him by insisting that he be treated with respect by his daughter (she's learning  ).

Respect comes in many, many forms.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Great thread. Remins me to be more respectful.



Coffee Amore said:


> Respect is earned.


I do not think so. I think we should respect all people + the ones who treat us disrespectful. If we don't it starts a vicious circle.
One does not need to be a doormat, but can tell a person off a respectful way.

What to do to respect a person? Ask the person how he or she wants to be treated... what matters to him and makes him feel appreciated.

Often people treat others like they want to be treated... a talkative person by echewing any silence, the withdrawn person by giving the spouse alone-time... but it may not at all be what the person is needing.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

My opinion of the word respect is that it has been used in so many ways to mean so many things that eventually it has come to mean essentially nothing. I think it has come to mean that there is something vaguely disliked that they cannot put their fingers specifically ON to describe in objective ways that might engender positive change. 

I think that people get married thinking that if they feel a certain way, that they can just say so. A loving spouse will certainly change. That is pretty much a fairy tale. Conflict resolution is a skill. A necessary skill in marriage because no one wants to feel that their out of the box behaviors and habits are unacceptable.


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