# 16 years, 1 kid - 3rd thread...



## glenn (Dec 28, 2010)

I've posted twice already. I've taken some of the comments from the 2nd thread to heart. I don't like not having my dogs on the furniture, but I'm not going to let that be a point of contention, so I'm willing to change that.

But anyway yesterday was a fun day.
My wife is a teacher. She works way too many hours and she went to work yesterday to get caught up on some stuff. 
She needed my help with some computer stuff so I was going to meet her at her classroom yesterday.

Normally, I'd prefer to just go wearing a pair of sweats, but my wife doesn't like that, so I wore a nice pair of khakis, a red collared shirt, and a jacket.

I've mentioned we have dogs. One is a chihuahua. He's short-haired but does shed. He's a small dog and likes to be picked up.
My wife complained before she left to work that she had hair on her jacket. Big deal. We've got dogs - a few dog hairs are to be expected.

So anyway, I get to her classroom yesterday to help her. She works in an outside portable classroom, so I get there and knock on the door. Just a regular knock. 
She opens the door and yells at me for knocking so loud. (exact words - Don't knock like that!)

Next words out of her mouth: "You're covered in dog hair. It looks Nasty!"

At this point I turn around and walk back to my car. 

I had a couple of dog hairs on my jacket. I won't deny that. But before I knocked on the door, I brushed my jacket off. There was very little hair on it. I'm honest when I say it was just a little bit of hair and in no way covered in dog hair.

However, if my wife would have said, "You've got some dog hair on your jacket, can you clean it up", I'd have been happy to oblige. But the way she immediately yelled and insulted me was too much.

Years ago, when we first got married, I used to ask her for 1 compliment a day. I'd make a point to compliment her every single day. I don't think she's given me more than 5 compliments since we've been married. She says she compliments me to her friends, and I've explained that's not a compliment to me if it's not addressed to me. 
I stopped complimenting after 3 or 4 years after being frustrated that the compliments from her were never coming.

I'm beyond that. But I've told her recently that I will ignore her and not respond to her if she insults me. If she wants to correct something about me, she should do so in a nice manner, but I won't respond to insults. And I'm way beyond looking for an apology. I never asked for one yesterday. I called her and told her I'd come back and help if she would simply agree not to insult me anymore. 
After trying to talk to her and text with her for over two hours, I think she finally said she wouldn't insult me.

I went back to her classroom and handed her some papers she left at home and helped her on the computer for about two minutes and I don't recall what it was, but she insulted me again about something and I left.

We did argue a bit before that though. She was mad at me for making her wait for hours for my help. I tried to explain to her that I would have helped her two hours ago if she simply would not insult me. 

Am I asking too much, really? 

I'm not the worlds best dressed man. I do about as good as I know how, but I've told my wife numerous times that if she picks my clothes out or tells me what to wear, I'll wear it. I'll defer to her. But it's not like like my clothes weren't matching or were dirty. Everything was clean. I simply petted my dogs before I left the house and got a few dog hairs on my jacket.

If we didn't have a kid, I'd be long gone. 

The thought of not seeing my kid every day keeps me around for now. But I refuse to acknowledge or respond to her if I hear an insult. I'm just gonna walk away. 

[sigh]


----------



## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I haven't gone back and read your other posts yet but so far the good news is the dogs being on the furniture isn't the problem, the bad news is a Magik Lint Brush isn't gonna solve this.

You need to find out what's eating at her.

It's possible that sweat pants and dog hair are the sole reason she's blowing up at you, just not very likely.


----------



## glenn (Dec 28, 2010)

chefmaster said:


> I haven't gone back and read your other posts yet but so far the good news is the dogs being on the furniture isn't the problem, the bad news is a Magik Lint Brush isn't gonna solve this.
> 
> You need to find out what's eating at her.
> 
> It's possible that sweat pants and dog hair are the sole reason she's blowing up at you, just not very likely.


I understand what you're saying, but...

I don't care why she's blowing up at me. I just care HOW she approaches me about this. If it's the dog hair, ask me or even tell me nicely. Just don't insult me about it. 

The old saying about catching bees with honey applies.


----------



## glenn (Dec 28, 2010)

My wife doesn't understand that saying I'm full of dog hair (not true) and look nasty is an insult. 
She's mad at me for leaving on Sunday and not helping her with her work. 

I told her I'd gladly help, but I won't be insulted. Her response is either she didn't insult me or if I dressed nicer she wouldn't insult me.

This weekend my wife is going to work with the other teachers in her group. I said I was going to take our son to a lego exhibit. We had originally planned to go together. She made some remark and I could sense that she wanted to go. I said we'd wait for her and she's welcome to come along, but the day must be free of insults. 

She tried to put conditions on it (if you don't have dog-hair). I said - regardless of what I look like, you are not allowed to insult me. Her response - fine, we'll take separate cars. 

I said nope. I'll take our son. She can take him some other time.

I understand I need to stay clean and keep dog hair to 'a minimum'. I cannot eradicate dog hair 100% as we do have two dogs and getting rid of them is NOT an option. (I'd much rather get rid of the wife)

Am I wrong to insist my wife not insult me?

I'm thinking the real solution will be to finish my garage 100%, to include installing a 2nd bathroom downstairs, a kitchen and putting a fridge out there. That, or wait till my kid goes to college and then move out.


----------



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

You are not wrong at all. I smiled when I read that you walked back to your car after she insulted you. I'd respect my husband if this happened and would want to change my behavior. 

Did she call you to ask if you'd come back? I hope you didn't offer to go back. She shouldn't have been mad at you for making her wait, either. 

Just continue to calmly let her know that you refuse to be around if she's being disrespectful. She's making the choice to have you walk away if she treats you poorly. It might take her a while to get it, but you'll both be happier in the long run.


----------



## glenn (Dec 28, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> You are not wrong at all. I smiled when I read that you walked back to your car after she insulted you. I'd respect my husband if this happened and would want to change my behavior.
> 
> Did she call you to ask if you'd come back? I hope you didn't offer to go back. She shouldn't have been mad at you for making her wait, either.
> 
> Just continue to calmly let her know that you refuse to be around if she's being disrespectful. She's making the choice to have you walk away if she treats you poorly. It might take her a while to get it, but you'll both be happier in the long run.


She did call me back and after much fighting on the phone, I did go back. She even insulted me on the phone a couple of times. 

When I went back I helped her for a little bit but it was pretty obvious I didn't want to be there. She insulted me once more when I was there and I left.

I've told her if she insults me, I'm walking away and ignoring it. I've told her I'll help, but won't be insulted when I do.
I do like the idea of changing the wording from being insulted to being disrespected.
And she'll mention that I've disrespected her in the past (and I freely admit I have). However I will say I won't disrespect her in the future and I will walk away if she disrespects me.

I got a feeling I'm gonna need new shoes.

Honestly, I'm just trying to make it 8 or so more years until my 8 year old is older.


----------



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

glenn said:


> She did call me back and after much fighting on the phone, I did go back. She even insulted me on the phone a couple of times.


If she insults you on the phone give her the equivalent of an adult time out. "I feel uncomfortable being on the phone with someone who's disrespecting me. I'm going to go enjoy a cup of coffee. I should be done in fifteen minutes, you can call back then!" Click.

She'll probably call you right back, but don't pick up. It seems like she's used to having all of the power. This _will_ make her mad at first. 

It sounds like you're on the right track!


----------

