# Calling when away



## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

How often do you call or how often does your spouse call when they're away from home?

The wife is away at the moment at her mums for about 10 days. We're into day 5 and she's not called me once, with the exception of a quick 30 second call because she needed something. 

Now she knows I can't really call her because I have no idea when she'll be able to talk, while she knows I'll be free to talk after work everyday. So she's well aware the onus is on her to call. 

If I had it my way we'd talk everyday or at least most days even if it's just a quick 5 min chat, 'cos frankly I miss her a lot when she's gone. Checking in every other day would be ok too. But 5 days just seems a bit much for me. 

Anyway, just interested to see what's 'normal' is these circumstances.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

when i am away i call once per day before i go to bed, but we text a few times during the day....hope that helps?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband calls once day (more if he has time) and we text often during the day to keep in touch.

5 days would NOT be okay with me.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

When my husband is away on business we probably talk once or twice per day. He calls and chats w/the kids after school and then me and him may talk late at night. 

Other than that we text here and there during the day. 5 days is a lot and I don't see anything wrong with checking in everyday even if it's just for a few minutes.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Maybe I'm selfish but a few minutes a day isn't enough for me. Thankfully my husband agrees. He MAKES time to talk to me at least an hour a day when he's gone unless he physically can't.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Why not call her?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My H has always traveled & I travel some. Once a day is standard & often 2x per day.

Five days is not OK. If she never travels, she may be in a different psychological mode, so you could excuse it. In any event, you should spell out the protocol between you. Do it explicitly before a trip.


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## CO_MOM (Sep 14, 2012)

We very rarely spend nights apart, but if we do, we will usually talk 2-3 times a day. Even the entire time he was in Iraq, we still talked on the phone 1-2 times per day. While we are both working now, I'll usually call him around his lunch time to say HI. If I haven't called him by about 3, he will call me to make sure everything is okay. I could not go 5 days without talking to him, that would drive me crazy!

I think you should call her. If she can't take the call, at least she will see that you called and will probably call you back just as soon as she gets the chance.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

To be fair more than once isn't really possible and it's not really something I expect anyway, there is only a small window where we can talk due to both of us working, probably no more than 2-3 hours, where we can talk. 

She doesn't text either though, again unless she needs something or I text her something, and also to say goodnight which she does every night. 

I'll have a chat with her when she comes back, but I wish I didn't have to. I'd rather she wanted to call so she can have a chat with her husband before going off to bed rather than calling because it's something I asked her to do, which actually makes me feel clingy, which I am not.




CandieGirl said:


> Why not call her?


Logistically it doesn't work. She finishes work at random times of the day, usually quite late and often won't get home till around 8:30 in the evening. Before she goes off to bed she'll be having dinner etc, I presume catching up with her mum which I don't want to get in the way of since it's the whole reason of her going away. 

It's much easier for her to call me as I'll be free, we've agreed this when she's gone away before and she knows it's how it works, it's not me being stubborn or hypocritical.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Feelingdown said:


> To be fair more than once isn't really possible and it's not really something I expect anyway, there is only a small window where we can talk due to both of us working, probably no more than 2-3 hours, where we can talk.
> 
> She doesn't text either though, again unless she needs something or I text her something, and also to say goodnight which she does every night.
> 
> ...


 I get where coming from but I would still call late one evening and say something like "hey I just wanted chat, miss hearing your voice," etc. if she's busy she can call you back but at least it let's her know you're thinking about her. Maybe the conversation will set the tone and she'll realize you two haven't had a real conversation since she's been gone.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

TrustInUs said:


> I get where coming from but I would still call late one evening and say something like "hey I just wanted chat, miss hearing your voice," etc. if she's busy she can call you back but at least it let's her know you're thinking about her. Maybe the conversation will set the tone and she'll realize you two haven't had a real conversation since she's been gone.


Yes and know. A couple times yes, but after that it comes across as needy. At some point, it needs to go both ways, and she needs to participate. One short call because she needed something actually says something - and it is not that she wants to talk to him.

To the OP - you mention a previous agreement that she would call. Has she done so in the past, or is this new behavior.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

I think it's the 4th time she's been away in the last couple of years. First time she called pretty much everyday and we'd talk for a good half an hour. 

The second and third time it became more sparse, probably every 2-3 days though again, those calls would last a good half an hour or more. But even then I didn't like it, it felt like she was calling because it had been 2-3 days rather than calling 'cos she wanted too. 

Also I've done the whole calling her and telling her I miss her the last time she went away. We talked for well over an hour that night so she didn't brush it off, but it didn't make any difference to her calling patterns.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When people are visiting with original nuclear families, they can get into old modes & forget to call. The only time my H doesn't call me when he's away is when he is with his parents or brothers. It's like he's in a different world.

That being said, I don't think it's clingy or needy to clarify expectations. My H and I just tell one another, 'I expected a call. What happened?' And it's fine to say that missing calls shouldn't happen unless they're logistically impossible.

Sure, you want her to want to call, but married people go through the motions once in a while & the motions, the routines, are important. Sometimes I'm too busy to actually miss my H when he's gone or I'm gone & sometimes he's too busy to miss me, but we call one another just to touch base.

I would say it very clearly & set times for calls if necessary.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

5 days? OMG, I'd be freaking out! I get 3-5 calls daily and texting in between calls. He calls me. I rarely leave the house, but if I did I'd call him a few times a day.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

Better than the alternative mate. 

Tried giving her a call now, no answer. 

Off to bed. Don't really feel like talking to her right now.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

A text Good morning and a once or twice through out the day. A phone or Skype call (isn't technology wonderful) every night before bed. That's enough to keep us till we're together again.

Let her know you want contact. Five days of NC? I'd get nothing when I got home and I don't mean dinner.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Yes and know. A couple times yes, but after that it comes across as needy. At some point, it needs to go both ways, and she needs to participate. One short call because she needed something actually says something - and it is not that she wants to talk to him.
> 
> To the OP - you mention a previous agreement that she would call. Has she done so in the past, or is this new behavior.


Yea I was only thinking he should call once during the evening on this particular trip.

OP- I do think maybe you should just tell her. My h and I have a similar unspoken routine where whichever one is gone is the one that probably does most of the calling, but we just tend to have our "pillow talk" over the phone at night. A day or so I can understand, but five days with no "real" conversation is too much.

Actually, the longer we're away from each other the more we tend to call or text.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> That being said, I don't think it's clingy or needy to clarify expectations. My H and I just tell one another, 'I expected a call. What happened?' And it's fine to say that missing calls shouldn't happen unless they're logistically impossible.


I think this is good. Straight forward and to the point.


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## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

My H travels a few times a year for his job, usually meetings at the corporate office. He's pretty good about calling, usually several times a day. There is no set schedule, but he usually calls during a break, or at lunch, something like that. He ALWAYS calls at night, and we usually end up talking for an hour or so before bed. 

To me, 5 days is totally unacceptable. If he didn't call me at all one day, I would be freaking out wondering if he's ok or if something happened to him.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

Just a slight update... we talked about it, didn't start off so well to be honest. I had an angry tone, she got defensive etc but then I said sorry and so did she and we've been communicating more... not talked everyday.. we spoke 2/3 days but have been texting more too which is enough for me at least until she's back. 

She accused me of always getting annoyed with her when she goes away. Thinking back, she has a point. Don't deal to well with it when she's not here...


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

When either my husband or I are out of town, the one who is out of town calls in each evening after dinner to say hi and talk to our son. If something needs discussing before then, we'll pick up the phone or send an email but that's pretty rare. 

5 days with no contact is a lot, although talking multiple times a day is a lot too, imo.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> 5 days? OMG, I'd be freaking out! I get 3-5 calls daily and texting in between calls. He calls me. I rarely leave the house, but if I did I'd call him a few times a day.



Yep Me too! H works away from home 3 weeks at a time. We talk a minimum of 3-5 times a day. He calls me first thing in the morning to wake me up so we can 'have our coffee together' over the phone. When he's home he wakes me up with a cup of coffee in person. He calls me around lunch time; before he goes on watch in the evening; depending on what's going on, we can be on the phone several hours. If possible this is when we do our daily devotions/couples' bible studies. When I want to hear his voice, I pick up the phone; if he can't talk, he calls me back. This is something we do to bond as with the choice WE'VE made for his career, it's necessary for us to be creative in how we connect while he's gone. 

Some would say this is excessive but, they don't live our life. Until they do what we do, they really shouldn't judge.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Did you guys talk about how much calling is expected when one of you is away? Does she know you expect her to call you after work?

Boyfriend and I talk everyday when one of us is away...every night we'll set a time-frame for the next day, depending on what our plans are. No matter what, we'll always take at least 15 minutes everyday to talk and catch up, with texts throughout the day. It's just a pattern I've had even with ex-boyfriends, and I couldn't imagine it any other way :/ Even when I was on the other side of the world for 3 weeks last year, visiting with my aunts and father, I bought several phone cards and called him everyday.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

This is my personal story, so it might not apply to OP. I am in a long distance relationship with my wife for the past couple of years. Everything seemed fine till 8-9 months ago. My wife drastically reduced the volume of calls. Previously we used to talk multiple times during the day and definitely before going to sleep. But that amount of time and intensity kept getting lower. I started getting angry and we fought quite a bit over the amount of time spent in talking to each other. She didn't even have time for me to talk during unch breaks and would rather spend it with her colleagues. My wife started hanging out with a group of friends (3 men, 3 women in total) and during one of their 2 day outings didn't pick up any of my calls during the whole day, but found time to talk to her parents. We met a few months ago and everything seemed normal other than sex which she didn't want to have.
A few weeks ago, during one of our fights over call amount, my wife asked for divorce and said that she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't care for me anymore. I wish I saw the red flags before and took some appropriate measures.

I pray to God that you are on a stronger ground.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

It's nothing like that for me life101. We're on pretty great terms and unlike your scenario we're actually living together and she only goes away once every 6 months or so for about a week. 

So, i'm not worried about anything like that nor do I think there's any long term implications. I'm not the only one she neglects on the phone so it's more of a personality trait for her. 



galian84 said:


> Did you guys talk about how much calling is expected when one of you is away? Does she know you expect her to call you after work?
> 
> Boyfriend and I talk everyday when one of us is away...every night we'll set a time-frame for the next day, depending on what our plans are. No matter what, we'll always take at least 15 minutes everyday to talk and catch up, with texts throughout the day. It's just a pattern I've had even with ex-boyfriends, and I couldn't imagine it any other way :/ Even when I was on the other side of the world for 3 weeks last year, visiting with my aunts and father, I bought several phone cards and called him everyday.


We haven't, though after our conversation the other day she is aware I'd like more frequent communication when she's away and we have been texting and talking to a level that I'm happy with now.

If we were on other parts of the world I'm certain we'd have talked everyday too, I think part of the problem is probably that we're actually in fairly close proximity. We're still in the same City, She's only an hours drive away etc. 

Anyway, all is fine now. Thanks guys.


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