# Am I so wrong to want her to take the kids and go live with the OM?



## RichardTornApart (Aug 20, 2011)

I'm having a bad night. I suspect there will be plenty more. Anyway, I am trying to be patient to get to a point where I know if we should try to rebuild the marriage. But sometimes I just want to end it right now and not even find out if it's salvagable.

The long and short of it is she has had prescription drug and alcohol abuse issues, along with depression and other emotional issues. A couple of years ago she started an affair. She became pregnant and continued the affair. She gave birth and saw that at least one of them looks like him and she continued the affair. Now 6 months after the twins were born, I found out about it. All this time I thought they were my children. I believe she may still love him and he may still love her. She says that she wants to stay together and will do anything to keep the marriage. I dont know if I can, but have told her that I wouldn't immediately kick her out until I knew if I could get past it and until I knew she wanted to save the marriage for the right reasons. Things are moving VERY slow.

Sometimes I don't even want to try to get to the bottom of it.

Sometimes I just dont care what she really wants.

Sometimes I dont care if I could get over it.

Sometimes I just want to pack up her stuff and make her go to him.

He doesnt seem to be a bad guy. He seems like he might make a good father. I think the only reason that he hasn't gotten involved in their lives is because he is trying to respect her wishes and the only reason she wished to keep him out of it was because she likes the financial stability I can offer compared to him. If I had found out before they were born and made her leave then I dont think anyone would bat an eyelash. But because I spent 6 months raising them as if they were my own, it feels like (and many indicate) that it would be wrong of me not to raise them as if they were my own regardless of what happens with our marriage. Popular opinion is that I should kick her out and try to raise the twins by myself. I'm the only one who appears to not be biologically related to them and while I do love them, why should I have to raise them if both of their biological parents want them? Am I really such a terrible person for wanting to end it all now?

I feel like I am being torn apart little by little each day. Everyday is a little harder to endure and its not because I'm struggling with wanting to save our marriage. She is the one that cheated but I am the one that feels like it might be better to just end it now. It would be so much easier on me if we just called it quits. I've been trying to give it a chance to see if we can recover.

Maybe with time and counseling she could figure out why she did it and learn to be content with our marriage and not long for more.

Maybe with time and counseling I will be able to forgive her for what she has done and not feel so much pain and anger.

Maybe with time and counseling I will be able to get him out of our lives and just move on as a true family, I being their father and they being my children, not his but mine.

But maybe it wont!!! And in the meantime I feel like I'm being punched in the stomach throughout these long days. I feel sick to my stomach a pain in my heart and head that make me not want to give it a chance. And what if I put myself through all of this for the next 6 months just to find out that its going to have to end anyway?

So please tell me...

1) Am I so wrong to feel that way?

2) Even if I am not wrong to feel that way, should I fight through the pain to give her and this family a fighting chance? Or am I just making this harder on all of us in the long term?

Thanks in advance for any feedback...

Sincerely,
RichardTornApart


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Richardtornapart,

1.) Nothing is wrong in the way you are feeling. You have been thrust into an almost impossible situation, don't be surprised by any feelings you have, with the emotional trauma you are having I'm shocked that you where able to type out a coherent story. Be happy that things are moving slowly, this will give you a chance to think.

2.)Should you give her and the family a chance? That's a question that can be only answered by you. Raising someone else's kids is a daunting situation..although it's not the kids fault and kids are great in so many ways..I would be sure to get full legal custody before committing to this.

Are you making it harder long term? No, your spouse is the one who did this. Sounds like your an honorable man trying to make a very hard decision. Why honorable? Because most people would flee for the hills before they would even consider raising children that are not their own, for that I salute you.


best wishes,

GM


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Unfortunately you cannot fix your wife, she is a broken woman and only she can choose to either heal herself via psychological counseling or continue on her self destructive path.

I would advise you to divorce your wife to protect yourself from the unjust paternity laws which make men such as yourself, responsible for children that are not biologically theirs. In most states, a child born during marriage is a child of the marriage whether or not the husband is the child's biological father.

The true tragedy in all of this is that your wife's selfish behavior has brought to the world two innocent children who will suffer because of that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IMO you did no wrong here so why in the hell are you beating your self up.
Sorry I don't get it, but it seems you are so worried about being the bad guy that you have lost sight of the fact that others should be doing the heavy lifting to keep you around.

You cant control others, but you can control how you behave and if other want you then they can follow you. 

Now is the time to focus on your self and make your self a better man by doing the things you need to do to heal. trust me this issue will not go away so take a time out and work on your self, eat, sleep and work out.

Once you get to a better place, fixing your self, then you can fix your relationship. Let them go, if its ment to be she will still be there once you have found your self.

I know it sound selfish but the reality is you can't do anybody any good when you are in this dark place, so go step back and take the time you need to get your self in a better place before you make this kind of disicion.

I'm not a big fan of seperation, but in this case you may find that is what *you* need to figure all this out.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Get legal advice about legal and financial responsibilities for the twins. Ask if you will be stuck raising another man's children for 18+ years.

I think that if you stayed, now that you know the children are not yours, you may have been deemed to accept legal and financial responsibilities. That would really suck for you and the twins, and I wonder what future psychological and financial damages there may be for all of you.

Talk to a lawyer fast.

Dont make a decision that will cost you 2 decades of your life without being fully informed.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

in response to your question in the title...

She should take the kids and go live with the OM. The OM should be 100% responsible for the kids.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

And, in your other thread, you mentioned your wife was drinking and had other addictions around the time the twins were conceived and born. That does not bode well for the twins healthwise. I dont know if you want to get stuck with medical and other bills for the twins should there be issues like fetal alcohol syndrome, autism, etc...


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Having an affair, still being in love with other man, having another man's baby, allowing you to think they are yours, staying with you because you have more money to take care of his children...........Boy its exhausting just writing that!!1

Look I get that you have raised the OM's kids for 6 months or more but YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MARTYR YOURSELF!!!!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Look I get that you have raised the OM's kids for 6 months or more but YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MARTYR YOURSELF!!!!


:iagree:

Dont be a hero. Look after yourself first. You can always help them later.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

morituri said:


> I would advise you to divorce your wife to protect yourself from the unjust paternity laws which make men such as yourself, responsible for children that are not biologically theirs. In most states, a child born during marriage is a child of the marriage whether or not the husband is the child's biological father.
> .


Morituri brings up a very valid point here....laws a different from state to state. I would hate to see you stick around and try to work it out only for it to fail a year or so down the road, then get stuck with the financial obligations.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

get parent test keep ur own child kick her out with any child is not yours


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

As you say above---your wife, wants to keep the mge, more than likely cuz she needs your cash

You need to get out---every time your wife is unhappy, she will go to their father, and make love to him----she has already proven, she could care less about you----you are just her bank---nothing more

She says she wants the mge. to work, but for what reason---not cuz she loves you---she wants to keep the mge, cuz if she leaves---she must go to work, probably 2 jobs---take care of 2 kids----she will have little/no money---cept for child support, which you need to make sure comes from him----obviously, he doesn't look very good to her, as a mge partner---he's just good for sex, and making babies, so the life she is looking at, will leave her as nothing more than a woman probably just above the poverty level, getting it on with the dregs of society, which is probably all that will be out there for her, ONS---abusive guys, poor bums---her life if she is divorced will be ugly----she doesn't want any part of that---if she can avoid it

The kids may/probably will have all kinds of defects, one would hope not, ---but---if she was drinking thru the preg.---then those kids will have problems

Kids now a days, are tuff to raise anyway, if there needs to be discapline applied, and they know you arn't the father, they will make your life miserable

You really are looking at a lifetime of misery, a wife that doesn't love you, and goes off to other men, to satisfy herself, kids that arn't yours, but you as of now are expected to care for them-----is this what you want for the rest of your life?????


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I can't imagine being there. I feel for you. You are completely valid in feeling the way you do. 

First, Get a paternity test to determine who's they are. Your wife could have rose colored glasses and just want them to be his. Plus this will make all the supposition real and DOCUMENTED.

Second, You've passed the biological test. Your body is revolted by the situation. We were programmed not to allow this to happen. Give yourself some credit. Being willing to consider it is a BIG deal.

No matter how much you love her or her children (they are just hers until the father is determined), how do you feel about the bad days? If when she is sreaming at you and the kids or she's in rehab and you're alone with the kids, Is that something you can do? Imagine the worst possible situation and how would you feel about staying?Don't think this is a bad as it can get. Because it can get worse. 

Try to also remember that she is working on her biological response. She was programmed to gather sperm and give her children the best possible home. She has done that. The question is, can you allow it to continue? If you do, you need to let go of the hurt and anger because being married with kids is HARD. On the worst days, even when the kids are yours, you might think about leaving. ;-)


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Just wanted to say that whatever you decide, no one in this world has ANY remote right to judge you.
Stay strong, and do the best you can. 
My heart goes out to ya bro.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Yep this is totally your decision. I would at least find out for sure about who's kids they are, and talk to a lawyer about the laws in your state.

Here is a question for everyone....I wonder if there would be a way to force the OM to pay child support? That would be funny.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

As a woman I am this, if she didn't tell you about the kids before and allowed you to love them and take care of them as your own and watch the bond you built with those babies and still continue on and not tell you then she IS the type who would have to on the hook for kids that are not yours and have that man and any other man while you take care of someone else kids financially and not allow you even a glance at them or their lives due to the facth that you are not the birth father. I know of a woman is doing that and I don't like her because of it (a cousins friend)
and a guy who id going through that. Do what you will with but keep it in mind. Good luck.


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## sh0t (Sep 1, 2011)

She wants the money and to be provided for. 

Get the paternity tests done, and if the kids are not yours, run for the hills. You may have been giving a new lease on life.

Don't waste time. I live in Cali, and the things that happen with regards to non-biological fathers in this state defy belief. Other states are just as bad, so please protect yourself.


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