# I Am Really Freaking Sad



## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

I've out of my marriage for 2.5 years now, and divorced for 1.5. I've really just been waiting all that time for things to get better, and they have - but marginally, and not near better enough for me to feel normal and like getting on with my life.

My ex is in another relationship, but I'm not interested in the opposite sex right now, or anyone really. I'm in no shape for it. I'm turning 35 in a few months, I'm overweight, I generally feel awful all the time, and work stresses me out, I don't like my apartment...I could go on. 

I changed jobs a few months ago to try to get away from high stress, but of course I still have stress being the new person at my new job. I've got a gym membership and have been going sporadically but it's impossible for me to lose weight because I'm so anxious all the time. I have a hard time relaxing, an even harder time sleeping.

I have a toxic family, so there's really no emotional support there, and what support I could get I would just pay for later. I've been going to a local church for the last two years, but I can't let myself get close to anyone, self-protection I guess. My trust in other people is like, gone.

The thing I am really bitter about is that on the surface, I am this bubbly, gregarious person. I can't help it, I don't pretend, it's who I am...on the surface. I've been that way since I was little, until I realized over time that it's the bubbly nice person who gets taken advantage of by others. So now that's why it's only a surface thing. I have internal problems that basically I've been trying to handle myself because I've gotten too old for anyone to help me deal with them. But I don't know how to deal with them either! I went to a couple therapists to try to get help, I could tell the stories about how that went but basically they didn't work out. So I've been on my own for a while now.

Anyway, like I said, I'm bitter because...I know that once I lose the weight, master my job, and let the bubbly side of me take over, I'll look like I have it all together again. People will flock to me...I'm just saying, they will because they have before. I used to be an artist with an eating disorder and was so messed up inside, but people always wanted to be around me. But you know, I'm overweight and alone, and I can't buy a friend. But as soon as I "get myself together" ...well I know what will happen. And I so don't want that. Maybe 1 out of every 25 people I meet is actually real and not trying to use me...and you know, I could really use some help now, and there's no one around. Hence the bitterness.

Sometimes I feel kind of suicidal...I'm not trying to scare anyone, I don't have the guts to go through with it or I would have long ago. But I gotta tell you, it sucks to be me right now and I just needed to tell someone. I'm not asking for advice so you don't have to reply. I'm just going to have to keep going...I'm just tired.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not impossible to lose weight. It will be though with the attitude that you "can't" lose weight. 

Sorry to hear you are down. Get some counselling for yourself. Hit the gym. Get a hobby. Go out with friends. 

Any new job is weird when you are the new person. That's life. 

Suicide isn't the answer. If you need to, call a suicide hotline. 

Life goes on and it does get better. Promise.


----------



## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

I can relate to much of what you've just said from one point in my life or another. Certainly gives credence to the whole saying, "when it rains, it pours." Because when you get trapped under everything like that, and you know the way out but you still can't or don't do anything about it...it's overwhelming.

The way I see it, two things need to happen, though.

1) You stop making excuses. I know, it's hard, and I'm not saying that to be cruel. But accomplishing things like losing weight is more a matter of habit than motivation, so create the habit. You don't need motivation to do that, you just have to DO IT.  Know what I mean? Also, I firmly believe that losing weight is about 80% diet and 20% exercise. So even if you can't make it to the gym, you can do little things: no carbs with dinner (this is the single most effective trick I use, it's amazing!), eat clean, count calories, whatever. Just do something, and then when you've made that a habit, add something else on top.

2) You get counseling--not just for the suicidal thoughts, but for all of the things you are feeling: bitterness, anxiety, etc. You CAN get better emotionally, you just need help in doing so. You don't have to just fake it for the world, you really can be happy and emotionally healthy. I have this amazing therapist who, instead of just letting me vent or trying to convince me what to do with my life that she thinks is best, gives me tools to use in my everyday life so that I can learn to save myself. 'Cuz she's sure not gonna do it for me, lol. She says she wishes more patients would call around and "interview" therapists before choosing one, instead of just showing up, not jiving well with them and giving up hope of finding a good one. Because there ARE ones out there that will meet your needs.

Best wishes, and like Jellybeans said, it does get better. It really does. And this is a great place to come and vent while it's still in the process of doing so.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

When I read your post it sounds like you are doing the suggested things that most people think of when they want to feel better about themselves.

Here is an idea: pick ONE thing that you think would be fun for YOU. Then do that. Maybe it is sewing. Maybe it is jewelry making. Maybe it's archery or having a pet turtle. When you were a kid you didn't have any trouble having dreams or desires. Say yes to the one thing. See where it leads you.


----------

