# I have decided to leave



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Dear TAM family, 

I have decided to leave, and before you all think this thread is an attempt to get people to say "NO NO don't go..." it isn't. Rather, I've been here for five years--since 2010--and I know and care about many of you, and I suspect many of you care back. I've given a lot of good advice and helped pretty many people (I think), so I thought it was appropriate to have a little time to say goodbye to each other. 

I've decided to leave for a number of reasons, but recent blow up with VH in the Private area is probably the catalyst that finally got me to get up off my duff and make the move. Back in 1999 my exH had an affair, and I've been deeply involved in the infidelity "world" since then. That's a long time to bear the weight of other people's betrayals, and since I am an empathic person by nature, yep... I do feel like I bear it with you. So a big part of this decision is that I'm worn out. 

Another part of the decision is that I don't want to spend as many hours of my days and nights reading and researching. I read a lot here on TAM. I don't always "reply" because often there are people on here 24/7 who reply right away and they've done a good job! But when I do reply, I'll go back all the way and read all the person's history so I'm replying with as much knowledge and balance as possible. I want to take back those hours and spend them on Dear Hubby and maybe on myself. 

Finally, I won't lie. It stung to hear that after all I've invested, I'm just a "stranger" and what I contribute isn't helpful and the time I've donated isn't worth anything. I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist, nor am I a Licensed Family Counselor, so I do understand that many people think that only those "professionals" have any wisdom or guidance to offer--like people usually think a doctor can solve all their medical issues rather than trusting themselves! But here's what I do know: I have extensive training in addition to my own personal experiences and learning. I have literally spent DECADES studying affairs, and I have helped many, many couples recover (either their marriage, or personally). So it is an absolute slap in the face to say my contribution doesn't have the same value as someone with some piece of paper! 

My plan is to take the weekend to say goodbye, and speak to some people to say how much they meant to me, give people a chance to say what they might want to say, and then delete the link from my bookmarks. It's been a roller coaster--and I think I'm stepping off.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Good luck. I've enjoyed reading your posts, they always made me think. I've followed VH's thread, though I haven't posted for a while for the same reason you're frustrated. 

Hopefully you've moved forward in your life and have peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Yours has been a voice of reason, that I know has helped many. I respect your position and wish you the very best. Hope you will consider making a guest appearances from time to time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)




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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Your's has become a voice I hear at times in my mind and I suspect will continue to do so. At times it puzzles how my parents and others echo in my mind as I go though my day, but is is a blessing. 

I've been posting a lot the last month as I recover, and I question how some can have a complete life, yet seem to have hours to spend on here. I have urged people to keep posting no matter what happens and continue to do so. I have come to conclude posting here is somewhat like attending church regularly, it is a place to reflect on issues that are vitual to life. 

I ask you to consider you stop by once or twice a month. It will be good for you.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


>


Agreed. And who the hell is VH?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Affaircare, I will be sorry to see you go. I have seen you give wonderful advice to so many TAMers, and I think it is a loss to the community. But I also think you have to do what is best for you. I wish you well, my friend.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> But here's what I do know: I have extensive training in addition to my own personal experiences and learning. I have literally spent DECADES studying affairs, and I have helped many, many couples recover (either their marriage, or personally). So it is an absolute slap in the face to say my contribution doesn't have the same value as someone with some piece of paper!


 Although we have not directly interacted much, and although I do not always agree with you, I have always looked for and respected your posts. Your post are always thoughtful and often come from a different perspective than most that post to this site. Your contribution will be missed by me and and many others. For what it is worth, here is me giving you a strong un-slap to the face LOL!!.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Sorry to see you go, but I understand it. There are still a few bullies around and that's sad.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Affaircare, I am sorry you are leaving because you probably have a lot of insight gained from all the knowledge you have acquired.

Over 3,000 posts is a lot of insight and knowledge! Who ever said differently, is an oxy moron.

Bibi


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're the wisest poster I've ever seen on TAM. People will lose out from your absence. And I really regret that it was all spurred by something I said. I'll miss you.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I agree, 3000 posts arguments with VH. I'd call it a day. Good luck in your real life! Dude


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Dear TAM family,
> 
> I have decided to leave, and before you all think this thread is an attempt to get people to say "NO NO don't go..." it isn't. Rather, I've been here for five years--since 2010--and I know and care about many of you, and I suspect many of you care back. I've given a lot of good advice and helped pretty many people (I think), so I thought it was appropriate to have a little time to say goodbye to each other.
> 
> ...


I hate that you're leaving Affaircare. I've found your comments to be some of the best on TAM. Truthful yet compassionate and articulated way better than my own. For me this thread is a reminder that many TAMERs who give such well thought and compassionate advice to others are going through their own struggles and frustration as well.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sidney2718,

My half brother said "what me worry?". I say

Bullies, what bullies, WHO LISTENS ?????? WHAT IS GOING ON???? DID SOMEONE CUT THE CHEESE OR WHAT??? 
WHO HAS A MATCH, SOMEONE OPEN THE WINDOW!!!!!

Alfred and the Marx brothers for ever.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm going to miss you, as I am sure many others will.

Your post are always such good advice and input. But I can understand the need to move on to something else.


:crying:


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Aloha! I found your advice informative and useful. As Deejo has pointed out some really aren't interested in fixing their problems. It's frustrating to deal with them here and it does just burn one out. I understand how you feel and hope you find peace and contentment away from here.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

AC... You will be sorely missed! Thankfully most of your sage advice will live on in many many threads (except of course, those threads that get deleted by OPs).

Best wishes and I hope you will pop in from time to time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

​
Really hate to see you leave. Thanks for all of your help and concern. You really helped me and I will always be great full. Take care. Luv ya. Thound.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Take care, AC. I also value your contributions. One of your posts was the first I ever read on TAM and it helped to pull me in.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Dear TAM family,


That is what we all are,though I'm a very distant cousin from the Canadian side of the family.  As families go,I think we're pretty normal. Kindness,compassion,humility,hope,hurt feelings,bitterness,sympathetic ear,wisdom from the ages,forgiveness,misunderstanding,reconciliation and I could go on.

Though we are often not visiting the same family members on here Affaircaire I have listened to what you've had to say at a few get togethers and you always have something positive,wise and worthwhile to say. This family member will miss seeing you around. Good fortune on your journey.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

You were one of the first people who welcomed me and didn't judge me AC...Please don't leave. You inspired me and motivated me to seek counseling. I took your advice to heart and set my feet on the path to being a good husband to my wife.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I understand and respect your decision. No doubt you are "the TAM sage". It will not be the same here without your reasoned yet compassionate voice.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You will be a huge loss to TAM, only been here a short time myself but always found your posts held so much depth and invaluable insight. I can understand why you may want to use your time for other things. Wishing you all the best in whatever endeavors you undertake in the future. You will be missed.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Aftercare
You and your husband are a higher priority than TAM and you are one of the better posters here on Tam IMO!

If you and your husband get what you need from each other and have a minute or two I hope that you will pop in from time to time and post. It is a loss for TAM to lose a positive and wise person like you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't leave me alone with all these people!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You will be missed AC!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From were I'm sitting you haven't been here that long......

You really don't want to leave me alone here....do you? I mean I'll stop cussing if you stay. I promise never to swear again if you stay!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'll tell you what...if you catch up to my post count you can leave?

Seriously that's phucked up you bailing cuz someone else was giving you shyt.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> From were I'm sitting you haven't been here that long......
> 
> You really don't want to leave me alone here....do you? I mean I'll stop cussing if you stay. I promise never to swear again if you stay!


>
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tj5aW0tj3mE


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You are probably my opposite and therefore I learned from you. You are competent despite any protests to the contrary.

Will miss you little hobbit.

Shade and sweet water.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

3putt said:


> Agreed. And who the hell is VH?


All I could think of was Van Halen


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Dedication for you AC...Bruddah IZ, hoping you find your peace somewhere beyond the rainbow (er TAM):

http://youtu.be/V1bFr2SWP1I


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

intheory said:


> All I could think of was Van Halen


The poster is VeryHurt who has a lengthy thread in the Private section.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are such a valuable voice here & a voice that will be very missed.

You are always thoughtful and respectful. I admire you and hope that you will continue to help people who are facing the pain of infidelity. You give them hope and consolation when things seem the bleakest.

Safe journeys, AC.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Affaircare,

I was going to send you a PM, but have decided to post this on your thread rather then a PM. I am at a loss, I feel as if I'm losing a great friend, a friend I wish I could meet. Shaking your hand would be an honor to me, an honor that I got to meet one of the top three posters to have helped me. 

You see I came here a very troubled and lost soul, I had no direction and resided in a dark room. I couldn't find my way, I didn't even know who I was, nor did I know anyone here. I read thread after thread, learning, trying to find anything that could help. I found three posters, three posters who helped as they posted solid advice. These three posters had amazing talent, much like my therapist, I felt as if you were holding my hand as you posted not knowing how grateful I was. 

I have never posted my story for many reasons, just like I have never thanked these three posters until I thanked you now. You helped me through some very difficult times, times I don't wish to remember. But I was weak and found strength, compassion, empathy, wisdom, and honor in your words. You never posted without deep thought beforehand. You posted from your heart, you cared personally for each person you helped. 

I saw you as a pillar of strength, I saw a heart without limits, and a soul that cared for everyone. Nobody was immune to your kindness or generous self, you cared for everyone alike. A talent and gift that is very rare in a person. So many times I have wanted to tell you what you have done for me personally, and I never did. I was selfish and always thought you would be here, a place you know as home, because helping people is the natural gift you were blessed with. 

So, through teary eyes I bid you farewell, and I will always remember what you have done for me. You helped me find the light, you helped to guide me from that dark room. I am in a better place now, I am no longer deeply depressed. That credit belongs to you, to my therapist, and to the other two posters. With all of you I wonder if I would be alive today. I hope you enjoy your newfound time with your husband, I hope peace and happiness wrap around you. However, I will be selfish again, I pray that you change your mind as more people like me will find this sight too. I hope those new lost souls find you, so they can be as fortunate as I was. 

Best of luck to you. You will be greatly missed.

Sincerely,
Drifting on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Ac I am sending a classy drink for a classy lady, reach into your monitor to get it before someone else does 

To your future travels to your future endeavors, may success and happiness find you easy with the wind always at your back


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let's just say that the news of your impending departure is simply a total shocker, AC! You and all of the solid advice that you unselfishly dispensed here at TAM will be missed beyond measure!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

It's about time you take more time for your time, although your contribution has been tremendously generous and many here will not forget you, I am happy you will be moving on from that world of despair.

All the best.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Whoever said that crap to you clearly values knowledge over wisdom. There is an important difference.

I never saw you post anything to a BS that could be dismissed. It always compelled me to take a closer look simply based on its depth alone.

This indicated a huge level of caring; you could see the effort in your posts.

Take care, AC. Maybe you could drop back in periodically and say hello.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

AC, gentle and caring people on TAM are in short supply. To lose you is a serious blow. I understand how frustrating things can get in this environment and you have so much going on in your "real" life that I dare say I would more than likely make the same decision were I in your shoes. Your TAMily will miss you greatly.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

AC, you are a gentle voice that some people are stubbornly unable to hear. And through everything that has happened to you, you have survived and maintained a thoughtful, compassionate and empathetic approach to others. TAM will not be as caring a forum without you and that makes me sad. But all of us must choose our own way. If this is your goodbye I wish you years of happiness and joy.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

AC TAM will have to put you in the departed section of all time great posters

Conrad

Mavish

are two that come to mind

Be well 

Be safe

Live well

Have fun always

I will miss your wisdom and compassion


55


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

A poster I did not always completely agree with, but never doubted her sincerity, and unselfish motives. Possessed the difficult characteristic of being able to counter without offending.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Affaircare, I will miss you.

you can tell by your postings that you took the time to research and respond with a lot of care.

Thank you,
Zane


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

dash74 said:


> Ac I am sending a classy drink for a classy lady, reach into your monitor to get it before someone else does
> 
> To your future travels to your future endeavors, may success and happiness find you easy with the wind always at your back


oh crap, I grab it before reading the post.

well there is still half the bootle left.:grin2:


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Best of luck to you AC. You've given tons of great advice.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Fair winds and following seas, AC.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> Dear TAM family,
> 
> I have decided to leave, and before you all think this thread is an attempt to get people to say "NO NO don't go..." it isn't. Rather, I've been here for five years--since 2010--and I know and care about many of you, and I suspect many of you care back. I've given a lot of good advice and helped pretty many people (I think), so I thought it was appropriate to have a little time to say goodbye to each other.
> 
> ...


This is most certainly the TAM community's loss. Take care of you and yours first. You have given a lot of yourself here and I am better educated having read your posts. However reading heart breaking story after heart breaking story drains a persons energy. Thank you and farewell.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry, AC. You've helped so many here. Hopefully, you'll change your mind.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I love you Girl and I am so grateful we are connected on Facebook. You are my soul Sister. I totally understand your decision and it is a great loss here. I'm not much of a poster anymore myself investing energies elsewhere with my family and my passions. Super big hugs and many many many thank you's for your heart, love, compassion, wisdom, thoughtfulness, many gifts and talents and for being an amazing woman and friend. Catch you on FB. MUAH


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Affaircare, I too am very sorry to see you go. I have been hanging around TAM for 4 years; and there are parts of your posts through these years that I still refer back to. They have helped me so much; some of the things you have said to others; I felt like you were speaking directly to me. You are a wise and caring woman and I wish you the very best and will miss you.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Thanks AC for the thoughtfulness and care you had always put into your posts.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

AC, add me to the long list of people who will miss your informative, thoughtful, and compassionate posts. It is sad that one psychologically damaged person could tip the scales and make you want to leave TAM, but I suspect that you were ready to leave and this was the final straw. I will never forget your post about the emphasis on female appearance, and how you overcame negative stereotypes about it.

Thank you again for sharing your wisdom with us. Dear Hubby is a very lucky man!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AffairCare I hope your leaving is really just a hiatus. But I totally understand your need to make a change. 

Good luck with everything, and thank you for all your help and encouragement to the posters here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't think myself capable of being as nice and patient as you but I commit to being a little nicer and a little more patient as a sign I at least learned something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I don't think myself capable of being as nice and patient as you but I commit to being a little nicer and a little more patient as a sign I at least learned something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know of few who could tame a barbarian. :smile2:You will be sorely missed


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> I don't think myself capable of being as nice and patient as you but I commit to being a little nicer and a little more patient as a sign I at least learned something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Being nice and patient Ida good thing and sometimes helps get the message across better than the 2x4. 

However being nice means that you suck up a lot of vitriolic posts by not responding. This is stressful itself and becomes a drag in itself.


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

From the many posts I've read from you I've found you to be amazingly empathetic and exceedingly kind and at the same time do it with a gentle wisdom. 

You could just take a break you know.... 

But either way... best wishes!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

AC,

I can understand how heavy carrying the weight of others can be. 

I can understand how depressing these threads can be.

I can understand needing time for oneself and family. 

That your words aren't helpful and your time is wasted? I say hooey to that and to anyone who says it!!! 

There's nothing more encouraging then when you're alone, you've fallen down hard, you've been knocked silly and then a stranger reaches a hand down to help you up. You've done that for more than I can count. 

God bless you, AC


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Damn it! This is just so unfair when one of the wisest most decent folks on TAM gets chased off. 

It's not right, dangnabit! 

Please don't leave us!:allhail:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Take care of you AC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I respect you very much but I am absolutely floored by what you are doing to tis vulnerable lady. How do you progress from helping to jumping on a person so vulnerable. The mass action of people on her thread was astounding. Please reflect on what I say. I may be wrong but please consider.

First of all, this should have been posted in the private section and you should not have posted her handle in a public section. Moreover, posting publicly prevents her from making a response since she only post in the private section. Secondly, you publicly called her out and blamed her for your departure. Why did you not PM her if you felt so strongly? Blaming her is a very heavy burden to place on her and undeservedly so. How can this one lady who was venting be responsible for you leaving an endeavor that is 5 years in the making. She is too vulnerable to be that powerful. Your decision is on you and you should own it.

She hurt your feelings but so what. You can take it. She however, can't deal with your outrage and hurt feelings, she is not as strong as you. You think she does not appreciate your help but so what. You have had validation from many quarters. My advice is that you don't put so high a price on gratefulness from people you help. Let this pained soul vent, if you get affronted, leave the thread until you get your sense of equilibrium back. 

Think about what you have done and are doing. Really look in your heart and determine if you are acting in kindness and good faith. Put yourself in her shoes. Even if she did what you claim, is the transgression so severe that she deserves this. Is this in in the interest of a human being who needs more than ever people to support her unconditionally. 

Your handling of this issue is the sum total of 5 years on this forum, your swan song? This lady is blaming herself and it is heartbreaking. She is due a sincere apology and atonement. Take your burden back. She does not deserve this. 

.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

AC.....I will miss you. I am more of a lurker than a poster, but I have been reading your wisdom for many years.

and your reasons for leaving are your own and valid because of that......don't let anyone argue you into thinking otherwise. And certainly I understand why you wanted to post openly.....because you want to say your goodbye to the greatest number of folks who have been influenced by your advice. Fare thee well.....and have a safe journey thru life.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I respect you very much but I am absolutely floored by what you are doing to tis vulnerable lady. How do you progress from helping to jumping on a person so vulnerable. The mass action of people on her thread was astounding. Please reflect on what I say. I may be wrong but please consider.
> 
> First of all, this should have been posted in the private section and you should not have posted her handle in a public section. Moreover, posting publicly prevents her from making a response since she only post in the private section. Secondly, you publicly called her out and blamed her for your departure. Why did you not PM her if you felt so strongly? Blaming her is a very heavy burden to place on her and undeservedly so. How can this one lady who was venting be responsible for you leaving an endeavor that is 5 years in the making. She is too vulnerable to be that powerful. Your decision is on you and you should own it.
> 
> ...



Dislike!!!! You don't get it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This lady is NOT blaming herself. She is blaming everyone else! And leaving not because she blames herself but because she is mad at US! It started because of me, but she then chose to go on and say how harmful and ineffective everyone else here was to her.

Things happen that way on forums sometimes - the avalanche that makes someone feel under attack because of the sheer volume of people wanting to chime in. I feel badly that she feels how she does, but I think there's some value to both sides of this issue.

And AC is certainly entitled to do and say what she wants. This is her thread, that she started, NOT looking for advice.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

First, I'd just like to say thank you to pretty much everyone who responded. I will be open enough to admit that I am so pleased that so many responses were well wishes and sharing your experiences. As people who write on an anonymous forum we don't often get to know how much of a difference we make, and I've had a peek into that. I have to be honest--I'm proud of the contribution I made. 

Second, as I said I didn't come here to debate. If you don't like the fact I'm going that's cool--you won't miss me (heehee ). On the other hand, if you understand why I'm going, then I'm glad you took a minute to stop by so we could say goodbye to each other properly. As much as some of my words have meant to you guys--you guys have also meant to me, and I think it's reasonable for you to know that. 

Finally, as for why I did all this "in public"--it's really simple. I actually demonstrate transparency by the way I live. I don't hide stuff or write via "private message" because I personally believe if I can't say it right out in the open, then I probably need to stop it. I was honest with my reasons and even though I didn't want to make a stir, sometimes the truth does create a stir. So I didn't hide--I came right out in public and was honestly who I am--a woman who deeply cared about TAM for YEARS. I had a choice to make, and just like I've always taught my choice has both a BENEFIT and a COST. The benefit is that I can invest the time I used to spend reading and replying into myself and my Dear Hubby! The cost is that I will miss people and some feathers may have been ruffled. I am willing to accept personal responsibility for my choice, and I'm at peace with it. 

See you'all tomorrow and I'll reply to a few people


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AC, as you well know, nothing is forever and I hope that you will chime in when you deem it worthwhile. Sending you hugs from your bro mori.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> Dear TAM family,
> 
> I have decided to leave, and before you all think this thread is an attempt to get people to say "NO NO don't go..." it isn't. Rather, I've been here for five years--since 2010--and I know and care about many of you, and I suspect many of you care back. I've given a lot of good advice and helped pretty many people (I think), so I thought it was appropriate to have a little time to say goodbye to each other.
> 
> ...


I won't like the post because I don't like you leaving. Please post atleast once in a while. Kind posters like you are already a rare species on your forum. I actually felt bad for VH. Th mob totally turned against her. Tunera and 'happy as a clam' posts were particularly harsh and she couldn't take them.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

sparrow555 said:


> I actually felt bad for VH. The mob totally turned against her. Tunera and 'happy as a clam' posts were particularly harsh and she couldn't take them.


It's always amazing to me how the same issue can be viewed so differently. I hardly think "the mob" turned on her. And why do you feel the need to single us out by name?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> It's always amazing to me how the same issue can be viewed so differently. I hardly think "the mob" turned on her. And why do you feel the need to single us out by name?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I read the posts and the aftermath. The rest of the crowd were critical too but you two stood out with your lack of tact and the harshness of the posts. 

Consider this post tough love trying to help you. /sarcasm


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> First, I'd just like to say thank you to pretty much everyone who responded. I will be open enough to admit that I am so pleased that so many responses were well wishes and sharing your experiences. As people who write on an anonymous forum we don't often get to know how much of a difference we make, and I've had a peek into that. I have to be honest--I'm proud of the contribution I made.
> 
> Second, as I said I didn't come here to debate. If you don't like the fact I'm going that's cool--you won't miss me (heehee ). On the other hand, if you understand why I'm going, then I'm glad you took a minute to stop by so we could say goodbye to each other properly. As much as some of my words have meant to you guys--you guys have also meant to me, and I think it's reasonable for you to know that.
> 
> ...


Ok

You wouldn't like to throw some of your helpfulness to this lady? Just because she needs it right now. You got all this love coming your way, from all of these people, you can afford to share it, no?. In contrast, she is has few vocal supporters. I thought I could depend on you understand the costs and the benefits of leadership. 

You could be the catalyst to turn back the mob, if you wanted. They would follow you. You could help them understand that mean spiritedness out of impatience and frustration is anathema to supportiveness. You could demonstrate the power of benign intention where support is given, in spite of how you feel. You could temper the harshness. Oh well.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

turnera said:


> This lady is NOT blaming herself. She is blaming everyone else! And leaving not because she blames herself but because she is mad at US! It started because of me, but she then chose to go on and say how harmful and ineffective everyone else here was to her.
> 
> Things happen that way on forums sometimes - the avalanche that makes someone feel under attack because of the sheer volume of people wanting to chime in. I feel badly that she feels how she does, but I think there's some value to both sides of this issue.
> 
> And AC is certainly entitled to do and say what she wants. This is her thread, that she started, NOT looking for advice.


I am not advising her, I am encouraging and supporting her. You are right, she can say what she wants but if she posts it here then she should expect a response. 

This Forum has a mission, no? How to succeed in LTR's, be it marriage, or friendship, virtual and RL. It's all skilled based and therefore connected. I am expressing my concern and feelings. I saw something disturbing in my TAM family and I am asking for what I need as a member of the family. 

All I am asking is for a reconsideration of the wisdom of what was said and how it was expressed. The justifications are interesting but hardly helpful. 

If it were me, I'd like to hear something like this "given what she is dealing with in her life now, I was wrong to add to her pain by saying what I did and I am sorry. What can I do to help her so she does not feel alone" We'll all be in need of patience and love at a low point. We all will need someone who is resilient enough to hang and not join an avalanche of departure.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I was going to write about how I would prefer if my thread wouldn't turn into yet another TAM argument. BUT I realize that I can't control people or what they're going to post, even if I ask nicely, and I also realize that this is EXACTLY why I'm leaving. How many threads are two people, not the OP, arguing and arguing back and forth with each other? Most of them!! 

So in a very funny way, I'm glad my thread is ending like this. It's a glaring example of why I weighed in the balance and made a conscious choice to walk away from this kind of environment. 

And @Catherine602, I get it. You are mad at me for not seeing it like you do. It's not that I don't "see it." I do understand the whole leadership thing and the whole "lead the group by example" thing. How many times have I done that? How long do I have to turn things around before *I* need a rest or a change or some peace or a break? See, the problem here is not that I don't understand or even, to some degree, agree with you--the problem is that this is not about VH. All along this has never been about VH. She has spun it into being about her, and you have swallowed it hook, line and sinker. This is about me being a personally responsible adult and weighing the costs and benefits, and choosing FOR ME that the cost of being here outweighs the benefits of being here. See how this has little or nothing to actually do with her? 

I also realize that some/many may not understand my choice. That's fine. Other people don't have to understand or agree. I'm okay with that. I just do find it cosmically ironic that what's happening at the end here is exactly--EXACTLY--a demonstration of why I made the choice I made!  It's kind of funny, actually!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> I was going to write about how I would prefer if my thread wouldn't turn into yet another TAM argument. BUT I realize that I can't control people or what they're going to post, even if I ask nicely, and I also realize that this is EXACTLY why I'm leaving. How many threads are two people, not the OP, arguing and arguing back and forth with each other? Most of them!!
> 
> So in a very funny way, I'm glad my thread is ending like this. It's a glaring example of why I weighed in the balance and made a conscious choice to walk away from this kind of environment.
> 
> ...


As for me? I'll just keep the porch light on for you, should you ever feel the need to come back.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am not angry with you AC. I'm sad. The thread is there in the private members section for anyone who is interested in reading. I will bow out now, thanks for letting me invade your thread. 

Best of luck to you and your husband.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

intheory said:


> All I could think of was Van Halen


Lol. Im thinking Van Halen drove affaircare way?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have no problem with a 'goodbye' thread.

Unfortunately at this point, the thread is just drama.


Closing.


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