# Benefits of scheduling intimacy?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

A long time ago I would have had a negative attitude towards scheduling intimacy, but it is an experiment that my wife and I have been trying now for almost a year with great success. This is often even recommended by therapists for couples that need some means to help rebuild a more meaningful relationship in regards to intimacy. 

My wife is a huge advocate of "things just need to happen naturally!" But yet she finds the benefits of scheduling things in our relationship resolve a great deal of anxiety related issues we have struggled to overcome in the past. 

I asked my wife the other day what aspect of scheduling things does she enjoy the most and I was surprised by her answer. She says she enjoys knowing which days that there is "nothing" scheduled the most. It did not hurt my feelings at all, because in reality we now spend much more time enjoying nonsexual intimacy on those days. She has the confidence to do this now as a couple without the fear that I will pounce on her. She also enjoys testing how far she can push me to see if she can get me to pounce that has come to be a newfound source of playfulness in our marriage that used to be filled with a great deal of anxiety and arguments. 

So as I continue to learn to appreciate the benefits of scheduling intimacy, I thought I would begin to share this part of my story and perhaps learn to continue appreciating this from others as well. I am going to try to include a poll so that people can vote for what aspects of scheduled intimacy helps their marriages the most. Obviously since this is still kind of new in my marriage, I may miss some aspects of this, so clue me in if you have something that can continue to help?

Thanks, 
Badsanta


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

The primary benefit IMO is sex


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## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

While not scheduled on a regular day(s) of the week, my wife likes the idea of pre-suggested "date night" or "date morning" , even if there's nothing special about dinner or drink as part of the date night . When I initiate closer to sex-time, she has less interest and/or more reasons not to.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nothing scheduled days are the best for my W and I. For us, a lazy day in the pool enjoying each other is profoundly connecting for us.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Randy2 said:


> While not scheduled on a regular day(s) of the week, my wife likes the idea of pre-suggested "date night" or "date morning" , even if there's nothing special about dinner or drink as part of the date night . When I initiate closer to sex-time, she has less interest and/or more reasons not to.


We have a standing Sunday date. Otherwise she too likes a heads up in advance. That wasn't always the case and it pissed me off a bit a first but TAM thought me it's not totally uncommon.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

We had to schedule for a time to get through a slump. Over initiation made her feel pressured. The more pressured she felt the more resistance she offered. Interestingly her work schedule has receintly changed and we are on a schedule again. The schedule offers enough intimacy to keep me happy, and puts it on days when she is relaxed enough. It isn't anything we discussed, It just happened as she was aware of my needs, Ind I am aware of her limitations. The "schedule" will probably become more relaxed when she gets used to her new work schedule. 
It is interesting that without thinking she went back to the method that worked when we were having trouble, to meet the current needs.
I'm just happy that I figured it out, and know which days to expect sex.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I think it is a great thing but make sure things don't become repetitive and boring. 

Schedule in surprises for spontaneity and romance. 

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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I am spontaneous. My wife is not.

She appreciates time to mentally prepare for any activity, including sex. So I adapted.

There have been times when not having a scheduled event would simply mean we wouldn't do it at all, so as TTH noted above, the primary benefit is actually getting to have sex!

One benefit not on the list was being able to use the date night to build tension; to heighten anticipation. If date night is Friday and I start teasing on Wednesday, by the time Friday arrives, she may be really primed. So on one hand, schedules may ensure intimacy that wouldn't otherwise happen, but on the other hand, sticking to the schedule even if ready earlier can lead to a more explosive session. Both work. Gotta' play it by ear as to when to do which.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Great thread and I am sure it will be helpful to many. Anything that helps get sex to occur at the HD's minimum required frequency is worth trying. Sure, might not be as good as spontaneously reaching or exceeding that frequency but if spontaneous sessions are few and far between then by all means try scheduling.

But you left off one major benefit. If the LD can't be bothered to comply with the schedule, then the HD has a strong signal that it is time to either stop having sex entirely or leave the relationship to seek sex elsewhere. And some of us HDs need a pretty clear signal before we will change our failing strategies.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

For most couples dating is really just a form of scheduling sex. Drinks and a movie are nice but the main point of the exercise is sex. And the build up, hot.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Just the thought of scheduled sex makes me feel anxious and I'm not an anxious type of person.
The thought of scheduled sex sounds so unromantic to me and I don't have a big need for romance.
Scheduled sex would be a huge turn off for me.

How odd that someone like me that likes sex and has it often would find scheduling sex such a negative, anxiety filled way to live yet those that are not into sex find it works for them. Humans make the strangest people.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with MrsH, the thought of scheduling sex makes it sound like a chore to be crossed off the list. No thanks. I see little benefit in it. When you are in a relationship there is give and take. This is not give and take it is creating a chore out of something that should be taking place naturally and freely.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> Just the thought of scheduled sex makes me feel anxious and I'm not an anxious type of person.
> The thought of scheduled sex sounds so unromantic to me and I don't have a big need for romance.
> Scheduled sex would be a huge turn off for me.
> 
> How odd that someone like me that likes sex and has it often would find scheduling sex such a negative, anxiety filled way to live yet those that are not into sex find it works for them. Humans make the strangest people.


Indeed. You are into it, but don't want to be forced in any way. My wife is very LD, but adapted well to scheduled sex; having a forcing function not only wasn't a turnoff, but rather it was very facilitating. Seems backward in both cases, but there it is. 

It certainly seemed silly to me. Taking out the spontaneity takes out the fun... and the romance! But once I saw how my wife could get up for it, I decided not to grouse about how we got there, but rather to embrace that we did get there somehow, and make the most of it... for both of us. I could have taken it as a huge ego blow, that she didn't want me all the time, or even at spontaneous times. But understanding how your partner's mine, emotions, and body all work is key, both in avoiding unnecessary hurt and in making the most of your time together. 

Fortunately, she does have an occasional spontaneous moment as well, so it's not like we're in a rut. Balance is important as well.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I wonder if some of this is about the type of person someone is? I hate routine and prefer to live my life in a much freer way. 

Are the people that scheduling works for routine type of people in other areas of life?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If I'm in a relationship and I already love the person, then I'm down for sex any time. Scheduled sex is great! Then I know I have it to look forward to. Spontaneous sex is also great! Then I get a nice surprise I wasn't expecting. No matter when it happens, the sex will be good, fun, connected, and never, ever routine or boring.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ynot said:


> I agree with MrsH, the thought of scheduling sex makes it sound like a chore to be crossed off the list. No thanks. I see little benefit in it. When you are in a relationship there is give and take. This is not give and take it is creating a chore out of something that should be taking place naturally and freely.


It's not a chore unless you think of it as a chore. That is a perception generated in the mind. For some, it is something to look forward to, something to build up to, something to treasure when it arrives. 

I say this as someone who is naturally spontaneous and hates doing anything in a scheduled manner, including sex. But for some, it works perfectly. And even among those who do it that way, it doesn't mean that's the _only _way they do it. It can simply add variety, which is something most of us appreciate. 

And if it ever truly becomes a chore, there is always the option to chuck it for the day. Fortunately, this would be one "chore" that can be skipped. So long as it doesn't become chucking it as a matter of course, it is serving its purpose.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> Are the people that scheduling works for routine type of people in other areas of life?


OMG, yes, we are rats in a maze in all aspects of our life. We talked about it, that's just us and ok. We are compatible. That's not why we schedule, but I think that's why it doesn't feel strange to us generally. 

Do we sometimes wish we could be more spontaneous, yes, but that just ain't us. Recently she had minor meltdown wanting spontaneous, I said I'm in and I'll see my doc for daily use ED meds. I reminded her she's the one who wants to know in advance, which is it? Knowing. We are also very good at over complicating everything in life.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Many LD and RD people just won't get around to it otherwise because it's not a need. Everything from bills to kids to fatigue take priority. Eventually it becomes never if the non-LD partner stops initiating and there is no schedule.

You can't make many / most non-HD people want to have sex. The best you can do is break through that it actually is a need as an HD person. Even then I suspect most non-HD people don't understand the need.

It was easier for my W to (finally) believe that I need sex daily than any other pattern. I guess "daily" matched better with "need" in her mind.

If my need were "twice a week" there is no way she would have any indication that any particular time would be a good time for sex, or that I could actually have any desire at any point in time.

I think my w is probably typical for a RD person in her thinking. Without an innate drive it's simply not an issue


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

And btw "daily" is totally acceptable to her since she accepts this is a need. How odd


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> I wonder if some of this is about the type of person someone is? I hate routine and prefer to live my life in a much freer way.
> 
> Are the people that scheduling works for routine type of people in other areas of life?


I'm not sure. I'm a very laid back person and don't have any precise schedule or routine other than working the same hours 5 days a week.

I just love sex so much that there's nothing that can deter me from wanting it, I think.

If it is scheduled, I enjoy having the chance to put in extra effort first, like wearing something new and sexy, or getting out special toys and all the other things that go with it and having them spread out like a sex buffet.

If it is not scheduled, I like the opportunity to explore how wonderful it feels to get spontaneously turned on without warning.

There was one time when my boyfriend started having sex with me in the middle of the night. He assumed I'd wake up and participate like I normally do (he knows I'm
happy when he wakes me up for sex and he has my full permission to do so at any time). But that night I was so tired I just couldn't fully wake up. After trying for a bit I just told him to keep going even though I wasn't fully awake. I then fell back asleep while he had sex with my sleeping body. He was groggy too so he wasn't that aware of how asleep I really was.

In the morning, I just had these fuzzy memories of him handling and having sex with my body...and in my sleepy dreamy state it felt amazing! The fuzzy memories were totally hot!! After that I told him to do it again and I'd purposely try to go back to sleep because it was so awesome. But I could never recreate the scene, because I'd always become awake when he started because it was such a turn on to anticipate that sleepy sexy feeling again. So much of a turn on that my mind would refuse to go back to sleep, it wanted to experience it all! It was so funny, trying to go back to sleep with my mind literally refusing to do so. 

Anyway the point of that story was simply that I'm down for sex at anytime, even if unconscious, lol!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> For most couples dating is really just a form of scheduling sex. Drinks and a movie are nice but the main point of the exercise is sex. And the build up, hot.


And yet strangely Date night is the one night I can guarantee there will be no sex. It is because it is too late by the time we get home. The big limitations are too stressed, and too tired. If I work around those she is pretty interested.



Ynot said:


> I agree with MrsH, the thought of scheduling sex makes it sound like a chore to be crossed off the list. No thanks. I see little benefit in it. When you are in a relationship there is give and take. This is not give and take it is creating a chore out of something that should be taking place naturally and freely.


Yes it could be a Chore. I really worried about that but for us it worked because of the reactive nature of Mrs. Nail's desire. When she knows it is coming she emotionally prepares for it. it's more of an anticipation than a chore. it really makes sense when you think of her limitations. Work is stress so at the end of her work week when she has nothing scheduled the next day, then she can relax, and have fun. Kind of the same way you might feel about your regular friday night activity.



MrsHolland said:


> I wonder if some of this is about the type of person someone is? I hate routine and prefer to live my life in a much freer way.
> 
> Are the people that scheduling works for routine type of people in other areas of life?


Oh I really think you are exactly right on this. except of course for those of us who are just happy to get some. Certainly scheduling won't work for some people. I suspect that even some HD people in mismatched drive marriages would find it a chore.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I don't think you or I are the target audience for this topic FW, I'm here for the banter and find the topic interesting.

Personally I just like to feel free and scheduling would be a challenge for me so it makes me wonder if the people it works for prefer routine in their lives. Then again I guess MrH and I do have scheduled sex every day as it is on our schedule. Still trying to schedule going to the gym but at least that is up to 3 - 4 days a week now


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> And yet strangely Date night is the one night I can guarantee there will be no sex. It is because it is too late *by the time we get home*.


Reverse date nights are your friend, sex first and then dinner in the afterglow.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm not sure. I'm a very laid back person and don't have any precise schedule or routine other than working the same hours 5 days a week.
> 
> I just love sex so much that there's nothing that can deter me from wanting it, I think.
> 
> ...


Great story. However... in some jurisdictions, that can get you a rape indictment:surprise:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not sure. I'm a very laid back person and don't have any precise schedule or routine other than working the same hours 5 days a week.
> ...


As I said, I have already given him my explicit verbal consent to have his way with me, any time, any place. Don't try this at home without it!


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## Olorin (Jun 5, 2016)

I have written about this before at length, but to summarize, my DW and I schedule sex for Saturday morning in part to provide a sufficient time for her to become relaxed and disconnected enough to become aroused. Waking up early on the weekend (usually Saturday) provides enough time for me to give her a relaxing massage, which does not always guarantee that she will become aroused, but she really enjoys it and it gives us time to physically connect. Now that it is summer and our schedule is a bit more relaxed, we are trying to set aside one night in the middle of the week for a massage/sex opportunity.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Ynot said:


> I agree with MrsH, the thought of scheduling sex makes it sound like a chore to be crossed off the list. No thanks. I see little benefit in it. When you are in a relationship there is give and take. This is not give and take it is creating a chore out of something that should be taking place naturally and freely.


But if it is not happening naturally and freely, then the couple is not MAKING it a chore, it already IS a chore (at least for one of them). So scheduling sex is merely acknowledging that it is a chore that needs to get put on the list of chores. Instead of leaving it off the list of chores (because it shouldn't be a chore) and it never getting done, now it gets done.

If you never change your car's oil, at first it won't affect the car's performance much. But eventually the car's engine is going to fail. Better to add "change oil periodically" to the list of chores. If a couple isn't having much or any sex, they need to get that onto the chore list. Or, if adding it to the chore list is unacceptable to one or both, then address what would be required for sex to occur naturally and freely. In that sense, suggesting a schedule is still helpful even if the idea was rejected.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I am spontaneous. My wife is not.
> 
> She appreciates time to mentally prepare for any activity, including sex. So I adapted.
> 
> ...


Love this thread @badsanta. You always have such interesting and creative input when it comes to sexual dynamics. I've learned a lot from you and am grateful for your contributions. 

When our kids were in elementary school we discovered the beauty of "scheduled" sex. I typically had a couple days off during the week, H's hours are flexible enough that he could come home early occasionally. Not date night, more an afternoon marathon. With the house to ourselves because the kids were at school...such freedom and FUN > some wine, a buffet of things to try as someone mentioned earlier, nice take-out at home that evening, perfection!

Spontaneous is nice too, but I really love the anticipation and tension to which @Rocky Mountain Yeti refers. If you are fortunate to have a partner who knows how to build that tension, yup...explosive is good! So good, that despite the kids being away at Uni now, we still look forward to scheduling afternoon triathlons a few times a year. 

But what to do when these young adults are HOME for the summer, with their random working hours, in and out with no predictability....sigh....sorry that is a separate topic  But I'll bet you guys have some great ideas


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> But if it is not happening naturally and freely, then the couple is not MAKING it a chore, it already IS a chore (at least for one of them). So scheduling sex is merely acknowledging that it is a chore that needs to get put on the list of chores. Instead of leaving it off the list of chores (because it shouldn't be a chore) and it never getting done, now it gets done.
> 
> If you never change your car's oil, at first it won't affect the car's performance much. But eventually the car's engine is going to fail. Better to add "change oil periodically" to the list of chores. If a couple isn't having much or any sex, they need to get that onto the chore list. Or, if adding it to the chore list is unacceptable to one or both, then address what would be required for sex to occur naturally and freely. In that sense, suggesting a schedule is still helpful even if the idea was rejected.


Whether or not it becomes a chore depends on the attitudes of the individuals involved. 

I would see scheduling sex as prioritizing the health of the relationship, and something I get to look forward to. ("Yay! I get to have sex on Wednesday! I'm really looking forward to that!") If something on your to-do list is something you enjoy and take pleasure in (like some men really enjoy yard work, so even though mowing the lawn is something that has to happen, he can look forward to and take pleasure in it when it comes time to mow the lawn), it never really becomes a chore; instead it becomes a reward.

If a person doesn't enjoy sex with his/her partner, and they are only doing it put of obligation, THEN scheduled sex becomes a chore. Something to cross off the list. Something unpleasant that must be done. Like cleaning the gutters.

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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> I would see scheduling sex as prioritizing the health of the relationship


Paraphrasing from a book, but not my go to one, so don't recall the title.

_Scheduled sex is a way of maintaining and deepening intimacy and of showing how much you care for each other and how much you prioritize your connection._

YMMV.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Don't Panic said:


> Love this thread @badsanta. You always have such interesting and creative input when it comes to sexual dynamics. I've learned a lot from you and am grateful for your contributions.
> 
> When our kids were in elementary school we discovered the beauty of "scheduled" sex. I typically had a couple days off during the week, H's hours are flexible enough that he could come home early occasionally. Not date night, more an afternoon marathon. With the house to ourselves because the kids were at school...such freedom and FUN > some wine, a buffet of things to try as someone mentioned earlier, nice take-out at home that evening, perfection!
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback!

As you mention learning to enjoy "anticipation" is something I really struggled with in the past. Our frequency for intimacy has remained the same both before and after we started scheduling things, but before we had a schedule that actually _works_, more often than not I would build desire and then my wife would issue a raincheck. Then she would do it again the next day. After that she would get upset that she felt pressured and that I only needed to use her for sex or I would be in a bad mood, so better just get it over with, which was a rather emotionally ugly fight between us. 

Now my wife enjoys the space of me respecting her and not grabbing at her and trying to initiate all the time. Instead we can spend quality time together WITHOUT her feeling pressured which has finally allowed her to become much more playful. Then come time for intimacy we have spend plenty of time together as loving friends that she is learning to enjoy our moments together. 

Sometimes now SHE gets worked up and I have made it a point to NOT give in and make HER wait until our scheduled time! I can honestly say that allowing her to feel that has been working magic and for the first time in our marriage she admits she can feel her libido growing (she would previously claim to always have zero and just not care). So now she is enjoying anticipation and THAT brings a big smile to Badsanta's face. 



Badsanta

PS: Perhaps I am just now learning how to play hard to get, but I am having to base that on the scheduling rules my wife and I have agreed that works for us! Before I would NEVER turn down an opportunity because I did not want to repeat the emotional volatility it took for me to initiate and for her to finally become receptive to my advances.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> And if it ever truly becomes a chore, there is always the option to chuck it for the day. Fortunately, this would be one "chore" that can be skipped. So long as it doesn't become chucking it as a matter of course, it is serving its purpose.


My wife and I have agreed that if for whatever reason it is a really bad day that we do not have to adhere to our schedule. Since we started, she cancelled twice and I have canceled once. We have always managed to reschedule those instances so that our frequency has remained unchanged. 

It has never been a chore. My wife does however joke, "I know why you woke up in a good mood today" while she smiles/grins confidently.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Just to set aside is good, but building the sexual tension before makes it even better for us. Otherwise, it becomes something we have to do. (for my wife not for me)


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I don't know why some people equate scheduling sex the same as a chore like doing dishes??? As some of the others here have stated, it more about your mindset. Just because you do something on a schedule does not mean it can't be fun or it is a "chore" . I play softball every week (scheduled, same exact time every week), look forward to it each and every time, have a blast playing even if I am maybe not quite in the mood leading up to it. I think it is important to note as well, it really depends on the person(s) involved. If you in a relationship where you and your SO have a lot of flexibility (as far as time, not some crazy tantric move lol), then being spontaneous could work very well. On the other side, if you and your SO are knee deep in raising a family, work, etc... waiting for the "spontaneous" moment could very well result in having hardly any sex. I say aim for both. If scheduling sex works the best for you, go for it, but allow yourself to have some spontaneity in there was well.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

As a dude who has a "non-scheduled schedule", I can honestly say I don't like it one bit. (it's better than no sex, however!)

For me, the excitement of sex isn't actually in the doing, it's in everything else that goes along with it. When you don't expect it, when it just happens, when something gets my partner or I excited. The foreplay _before_the foreplay.

Knowing that there's a 1% chance it could happen on any other day than the 'usual' day almost entirely ruins it for me, I'm sad to say. I know it's going to happen and when. The rest of the time? Forget it. I'm on my own.

Some of the best sexual experiences I've had weren't necessarily the best _sex_ I've ever had. For me, great physical sex is only part of the bigger picture. It's everything else that goes with it (and before it). Exactly everything that I'm currently missing.

I've said this numerous times here before - although my ex wife and I were physically incompatible and the sex itself was generally never better than "okay", overall it was more satisfying for me. It just happened, it was initiated by both of us, it wasn't always 'same time, same place'. It could be in the car pulled over on the side of the road or in a parking lot at a concert. It could be on the couch, or the shower or the spare bedroom, or the floor. In the morning or the middle of the afternoon, or at 3am. It wasn't uncommon to wake up to her playing with me.

My current wife knows how to have sex in spades. I'm spoiled with the quality, and I have exactly zero complaints.

But - same day, same time, same place 95% of the time. No fooling around or touching or anticipation or flirting or even talking about it at any other time. It's NOT a chore for her - she enjoys it thoroughly - on that day, that time, that place.

**** scheduling. :|


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> I say aim for both. If scheduling sex works the best for you, go for it, but allow yourself to have some spontaneity in there was well.


 @EllisRedding I agree with that wholeheartedly. The tricky part is that the spontaneity seems as though it can only be decided by the person with the less active libido. The partner desiring less frequency needs room to not be relentlessly pursued and have a chance to learn to be more playful on their initiative. This has been happening in my marriage, and it is really nice for my wife to desire things and initiate outside of our normal schedule. When this happens we make it a point to keep our frequency of number of times a week still set in place unless she wants more. 





alexm said:


> But - same day, same time, same place 95% of the time. No fooling around or touching or anticipation or flirting or even talking about it at any other time. It's NOT a chore for her - she enjoys it thoroughly - on that day, that time, that place.
> 
> **** scheduling. :|


 @alexm I think you mentioned that one day you made it a point to be somewhere else so that nothing could happen on the scheduled day, and that the next day things were awesome. Perhaps if your wife struggles with variety you could reverse engineer her desired scheduling as a way to force a little more spontaneity and variety? 

Same place - well then start a DIY home improvement project that requires something heavy and awkward to be placed on your bed for most of the day, like stacks of books/stuff while you move a bookshelf or clean a cabinet. 

Same time - find a reason to get out of the house, like to go get something to maintain the family car like an air filter or something. 

Same day - eat something that generally is not agreeable for sex and mention you need time to digest your meal until the next day. Too much pizza & beer will do that to me! 

This way the need for variety becomes a problem she will have to solve because her traditional plans are obstructed. This way you do not need to be the one to ask for variety or have to talk about it with her. But I know you have probably been through these same things already with little or no luck...

Badsanta


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wife has lower libido than i do. I find scheduling..like "hey i would like to get laid this afternoon, when are you free?" is a good way to get her libido revved up, AND to make sure when i approach her i do not get rejected due to work schedule.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

I'll never understand how for some people having sex seems to be the equivalent of riding a big roller coaster. I can only assume they are not that into their spouse and it takes all sorts of preparation & planning for them to get in the mood.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Spitfire said:


> I'll never understand how for some people having sex seems to be the equivalent of riding a big roller coaster. I can only assume they are not that into their spouse and it takes all sorts of preparation & planning for them to get in the mood.


In my opinion it is not an issue of being into your spouse or not, it is an issue of being comfortable with yourself in front of your spouse. 

As we age, we all gain weight and our bodies change. A woman's body will also bear the results of what her body endured to give birth to a family. Gray hair starts showing up, skin wrinkles and sags. Perhaps there are scars for a bypass surgery, and some joints with mild arthritis. As a teenager you probably never spent much time in front of a mirror naked, and now as a mature adult mirrors in the house are much less frequented. 

The positive side of that is that our ability to enjoy sexual intimacy increases and perhaps reaches its prime around age 60. The reason being is that is how long it takes for someone to learn how to love and accept themselves, and to see the signs of aging as proud scars and imperfections of what you have managed to survive throughout your life.

When I see my wife's gray hair, I tell her that I feel loving towards her because those gray hairs came from worrying over our children. The scars she has from her c-section are the scars that demonstrate she was willing to sacrifice her wellbeing so that our kids could be born as healthy as possible. And her wrinkles mark the many years we have stood by each other's side. 

So scheduling sex with a partner that might resist is not about one person not being into the other. You might find that it meets the exact same resistance as their willingness to put on a revealing bathing suit and proudly walk out onto a crowded beach. Some people seriously have trouble seeing themselves as being attractive and having a partner that sees them as beautiful despite the flaws. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Not to be the Devil's Advocate about this, but what happens if at a time when sex is scheduled, the spouse "doesn't feel like it" or "doesn't want to"? I kinda feel that this might be an easy way for an LD partner to keep you away at times sex isn't scheduled and to use some convenient excuse when it is. For me, this would make a refusal even worse if a date wasn't kept.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

As has been mentioned, scheduling only works if both people want to have sex. Setting up a date is going to magically make someone want to have sex. 

When we are mismatched we'll occasionally do "I say when, she says what". The only expectation of the "what" would be some naked and basically foreplay. If it leads to intercourse great, if not maybe some others things. And in a pinch I'll finish myself off on her boobs, if she "doesn't want to", well that would tell me all I need to know, see ya.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

badsanta said:


> @alexm I think you mentioned that one day you made it a point to be somewhere else so that nothing could happen on the scheduled day, and that the next day things were awesome. Perhaps if your wife struggles with variety you could reverse engineer her desired scheduling as a way to force a little more spontaneity and variety?
> 
> Same place - well then start a DIY home improvement project that requires something heavy and awkward to be placed on your bed for most of the day, like stacks of books/stuff while you move a bookshelf or clean a cabinet.
> 
> ...


Taking all of the above into account, at the end of the day it's still not spontaneous. That is literally my one and only sexual need.

That might sound odd to some people, but it is what it is. I lived with mediocre sex for ~14 years, and I was happy, believe it or not. Yes, I wished the sex would be better at times, but it was always spontaneous and sparked by real, actual desire (on both our parts).

As you know, badsanta, I am now having the greatest sex of my life, in terms of pure quality. I still shake my head at what happens sometimes. From that perspective, I am a lucky son-of-a-B.

But it doesn't work for me. First world problems, I know... but I'll take spontaneity, genuine desire, passion, and mediocre sex any day over mind-re-arranging 'scheduled' sex.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

My husband and I scheduled intimacy for much of our marriage, and it really didn't work for me. It made me feel more pressured to have to be turned on a certain day each week. Numerous talks with him about this didn't do much to change it, so I rolled with it, but I would've rather had a partner who enjoyed spontaneous intimacy once in awhile as well.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

We don't exactly schedule it, but during the day, we will randomly text one another, "Hey, how does a roll in the hay sound?" By the time we get home we usually cannot keep our hands off one another.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

We like our weekends... 

It's simply about time to reconnect that Mon-Thurs rarely offers.... those four days get the craziness of life thrown at them too hard and too often have the ability to wind up the wrong direction by Friday.

I call Friday "Forgiveness Friday" because if the tension of M-Th isn't let go, there will be no "Sensual Saturday" or "Sexy Sunday".

It's anything but a rut, but if it seems like that to some all we know is it leads to the right place.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Not to be the Devil's Advocate about this, but what happens if at a time when sex is scheduled, the spouse "doesn't feel like it" or "doesn't want to"? I kinda feel that this might be an easy way for an LD partner to keep you away at times sex isn't scheduled and to use some convenient excuse when it is. For me, this would make a refusal even worse if a date wasn't kept.


That's the problem, and ingenious no desire partners should have no problem manipulating the opportunities to arrive at their (and only their) desired frequency outcome. 

Like many things it's a good tool when everyone is honest and a not so good thing otherwise. Failing some serious sexual issues I would not go along with such a plan. Intimacy is not "metered" or "scheduled" the way you feed your cat.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

See, I think scheduling sex and then being turned down by the LD is helpful to the HD. It sends the unmistakable signal that all the excuses about being tired and it not being a convenient time etc were just BS meant to distract, and the real reason for the lack of sex is that the LD simply doesn't want to have sex with you. Not a happy message to receive, but at least you have clarity. Then the HD can make the choice whether to remain sexless or leave. But they don't have to wonder whether there was something else they might have done to obtain more sex with the LD. Because there wasn't.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

See below


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Scheduling is a great idea. We were to have our schedule last Saturday. So, at 2PM I yelled downstairs, “Hey it’s time to get laid.” And she answers, “be right there as soon as I take the last load out of the dryer” which in turn I said, “then I’ll come downstairs and fold it” and she says “then while you’re folding clothes, I’ll pay bills” and I said “well, while you’re paying bills I’ll bring the folded clothes upstairs and put them away” and she says “while you’re putting the clothes away, I’ll empty the waste baskets into the garbage bags” and I say “well then I’ll take them to the dumpsters” and then she says “while you’re at the dumpster I’ll go the paint store” and I reply, “while you’re at the paint store I’ll get the car washed” and she says then while you’re getting the car washed I’ll pick up some food” and then I tell her “since you’re picking up food I’ll go the Office Supply and get some toner” and she says then while you’re getting toner I’ll start painting the downstairs bedroom” and then I tell her “then I’ll come home and mow the yard.” and she says “I’ll sweep off the deck” and then I tell her I’ll trim the sidewalk and she then says “I’ll blow off driveway.” That driveway got more sex than me last Saturday.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yup. My wife was unofficially scheduling for a while, but what it really meant was no sex at other times, not necessarily sex when scheduled. 

Scheduling might help if a couple is legitimately busy and sometimes doesn't have time for sex, but it won't help with a LD person who doesn't want sex. 




jb02157 said:


> Not to be the Devil's Advocate about this, but what happens if at a time when sex is scheduled, the spouse "doesn't feel like it" or "doesn't want to"? I kinda feel that this might be an easy way for an LD partner to keep you away at times sex isn't scheduled and to use some convenient excuse when it is. For me, this would make a refusal even worse if a date wasn't kept.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Not to be the Devil's Advocate about this, but what happens if at a time when sex is scheduled, the spouse "doesn't feel like it" or "doesn't want to"? I kinda feel that this might be an easy way for an LD partner to keep you away at times sex isn't scheduled and to use some convenient excuse when it is. For me, this would make a refusal even worse if a date wasn't kept.


it is not a perfect plan. In MY case, she likes sex, and does not avoid it...but never initiates sex, and can go weeks long without it unless I initiate. Like i said, it is just a way to TEMPORARILY get her libido running.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> it won't help with a LD person who doesn't want sex.


I would agree with that!

Maybe we need a separate thread on techniques you can use on a low libido partner to temporarily get them to WANT to have sex. You know, list all of our tricks that work somewhat, so we can have a bag of tricks at the ready...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

leon2100 said:


> Scheduling is a great idea. We were to have our schedule last Saturday. So, at 2PM I yelled downstairs, “Hey it’s time to get laid.” And she answers, “be right there as soon as I take the last load out of the dryer” which in turn I said, “then I’ll come downstairs and fold it” and she says “then while you’re folding clothes, I’ll pay bills” and I said “well, while you’re paying bills I’ll bring the folded clothes upstairs and put them away” and she says “while you’re putting the clothes away, I’ll empty the waste baskets into the garbage bags” and I say “well then I’ll take them to the dumpsters” and then she says “while you’re at the dumpster I’ll go the paint store” and I reply, “while you’re at the paint store I’ll get the car washed” and she says then while you’re getting the car washed I’ll pick up some food” and then I tell her “since you’re picking up food I’ll go the Office Supply and get some toner” and she says then while you’re getting toner I’ll start painting the downstairs bedroom” and then I tell her “then I’ll come home and mow the yard.” and she says “I’ll sweep off the deck” and then I tell her I’ll trim the sidewalk and she then says “I’ll blow off driveway.” That driveway got more sex than me last Saturday.


You could try the following.

We were to have our schedule last Saturday. So, at 2PM I went downstairs and found my wife taking some clothes out of the dryer. Then while standing behind her I said "it's 2 already", and proceeded to kiss her on the side of the neck while occasionally sliding my teeth along her neck. She said "I just want to get this done", so I told her "after" and then felt her backside and lifted her dress and pulled her panties aside to caress her bare buttock.

She then leans towards me...

Afterwards we put our clothes back on and I tell my wife "that was fun, we'll do more later". She says "you only want me for sex", to which I smile and say "always" as I walk away to go and fold those clothes from the dryer.

She then pays some bills while I sort out the rubbish, before she says "I’ll go to the paint store", I tell her "I'll come with you and then we'll get the car washed". She giggles and says "I know what you want to do", in response I just smile as we head out.

Along the way we then pick up some food and some toner as well, yet in the first car park I say "show me" staring at her breasts. She looks around and says "no way", to which I just shrug. In the next car park I say "no one will see", so she looks around furtively and shows me one of her breasts before quickly hiding it again as I say "very nice".

As we walk around the shop, I touch her suggestively a few times while no one is around, before we go home and I mow the lawn and she sweeps the deck. As she is blowing the driveway I call out to her "show us your tits", she just smiles and to my disappointment keeps blowing.

She then tells me "I'll start painting the downstairs bedroom" and I say "not now", while I hold her hand and walk her up to our bedroom shut the door and with her acquiescence I start taking her clothes off.

All while no paint found it's way onto any surface downstairs.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Talker67 said:


> it is not a perfect plan. In MY case, she likes sex, and does not avoid it...but never initiates sex, and can go weeks long without it unless I initiate. Like i said, it is just a way to TEMPORARILY get her libido running.


Same thing with my wife. She does like sex.

Mine however - I wouldn't say she _avoids_ it, but it's a non-entity for the majority of any given week. Her brain is really only attuned to it at a certain point. And that's what I dislike. She's subconsciously decided that there's to be no sex or sexuality "until", full stop. On a Tuesday evening, for example, nothing to do, nobody home but us - nope, not going to happen. It's like her brain is saying "What? It's Tuesday! Are you kidding me?"

So while it's not technically scheduled, it's very much subconsciously scheduled, for her part.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

john117 said:


> *That's the problem, and ingenious no desire partners should have no problem manipulating the opportunities to arrive at their (and only their) desired frequency outcome. *
> 
> Like many things it's a good tool when everyone is honest and a not so good thing otherwise. Failing some serious sexual issues I would not go along with such a plan. Intimacy is not "metered" or "scheduled" the way you feed your cat.


Well @john117 you are exactly right on that. With schedules changing for the summer, my wife has gone into a cycle of making constant adjustments to our scheduled days. In such a way that it makes my head spin as if she is purposely trying to confuse me (I am admittedly horrible with remembering scheduled things, particularly if the scheduling is dynamic and constantly changing). For the past month and a half I have felt like sex now adheres to the same rules as carpooling with the neighbors:

There are an odd number of days in each week, so a two week schedule is needed to make things even out. There will always be exceptions as some days of the week will not count in the event one of the two is not available, and in that case the schedule will have to be amended on an as-needed basis. So is it "A-week" or "B-week" and oh wait a minute "A-week" is now off because of that thing we have to go to for aunt Gertrude's thing at church in North Dakota. 

While I agree intimacy should not really be "metered" in the way you feed a cat. A cat will start rubbing you and everything in the vicinity of where it gets fed in the event food is running low and has become unpredictable. While cute at first, at some point a begging cat get annoying. My wife does NOT enjoy me pursuing her when she is not in the mood!

Badsanta


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

alexm said:


> Same thing with my wife. She does like sex.
> 
> Mine however - I wouldn't say she _avoids_ it, but it's a non-entity for the majority of any given week. Her brain is really only attuned to it at a certain point. And that's what I dislike. She's subconsciously decided that there's to be no sex or sexuality "until", full stop. On a Tuesday evening, for example, nothing to do, nobody home but us - nope, not going to happen. It's like her brain is saying "What? It's Tuesday! Are you kidding me?"
> 
> So while it's not technically scheduled, it's very much subconsciously scheduled, for her part.


Just remind her that it is Titties Tuesday next week! 0


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Scheduling might help if a couple is legitimately busy and sometimes doesn't have time for sex, but it won't help with a LD person who doesn't want sex.


With their current partner. Doesn't want sex with their current partner.

I am sure my wife would have plenty of sex with the next guy if I died or we got divorced. We are at the age where friends are getting "grey divorce" when last kid leaves home. These women used to joke that their husband has a better chance of hitting powerball than getting any sex from her. Now they all have boyfriends and are swinging from chandeliers. The problem wasn't that they didn't want sex, it was that they didn't want sex with their husbands.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm not so sure. The low to medium grade LD's perhaps, the fixable ones. The hardcore LD's, those that got dumped due to their, ehem, orientation, not likely to be swinging from light fixtures any time.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Scheduling sex is a good idea but like others say it depends on the willingness of those who are involved. It also depends on HOW you schedule sex. I can't imagine opening up diaries and penciling in sex. Cuddling up on a sofa and discussing an evening or afternoon that you want to set aside specially just for the two of you can be create exciting anticipation.

It also has to be done correctly. Its not just stripping off and getting it over with. Time spent bathing, touching, massaging, gift giving, talking, playing....basically just taking time out to really bond together when there are no kids/calls/emails/family drama to distract.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It depends on the LD person. I don't think my wife is interested in sex with anyone. She gives every impression that is just not important to her. I think she tried to schedule 1/week because she thought she should, but when it comes down to it, she is happy for any excuse not to. 




Holdingontoit said:


> With their current partner. Doesn't want sex with their current partner.
> 
> I am sure my wife would have plenty of sex with the next guy if I died or we got divorced. We are at the age where friends are getting "grey divorce" when last kid leaves home. These women used to joke that their husband has a better chance of hitting powerball than getting any sex from her. Now they all have boyfriends and are swinging from chandeliers. The problem wasn't that they didn't want sex, it was that they didn't want sex with their husbands.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> With their current partner. Doesn't want sex with their current partner.
> 
> I am sure my wife would have plenty of sex with the next guy if I died or we got divorced. We are at the age where friends are getting "grey divorce" when last kid leaves home. These women used to joke that their husband has a better chance of hitting powerball than getting any sex from her. Now they all have boyfriends and are swinging from chandeliers. The problem wasn't that they didn't want sex, it was that they didn't want sex with their husbands.


Rest assured, after re-marriage + a couple years she / they wouldn't want sex with him either .


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@anonmd: Yes, likely true. At least for some.

Some divorced gals who were married to a 5'8" accountant date a bunch of 5'8" lawyers and doctors and business executives. They will probably stop having sex once the NRE wears off or they feel they have the guy hooked.
Some divorced gals who were married to a 5'8" accountant date a bunch of 6'2" truck drivers and cops and auto mechanics. No disrespect to guys with those jobs. They do hard work and earn every dollar of their pay. I respect them. But it sends a clear message about why the woman dated her ex and why they didn't have much sex. I am guessing the divorced women who choose to date hunkier guys after divorce might continue to have sex with the new guy even though they didn't have much sex with their ex.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Eh, says a lot about them too.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> @anonmd: Yes, likely true. At least for some.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




And I'm thinking the women who married the trucker or mechanic, but stopped having sex after the partying, financial difficulties, and fighting snapped their legs closed.

Then they date a financially secure, stable, confident, young looking (those fluorescent lights for several decades did way less skin damage than the sun and wind) 5'8" accountant and have amazing sex into a comfortable retirement.

Have you ever seen Modern Family?

The grass is always greener...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BTW "hunky" isn't the only thing that drives a woman's desires. That's primarily a guy's perspective, because, well, T&A is very high on men's list. HNHN, ya know?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> It also depends on HOW you schedule sex. I can't imagine opening up diaries and penciling in sex. Cuddling up on a sofa and discussing an evening or afternoon that you want to set aside specially just for the two of you can be create exciting anticipation.
> 
> It also has to be done correctly. Its not just stripping off and getting it over with. Time spent bathing, touching, massaging, gift giving, talking, playing....*basically just taking time out to really bond together when there are no kids/calls/emails/family drama to distract.*


THAT is a key aspect for us. Letting go of everything else in order to bond for a few hours can be challenging for those with busy schedules. Knowing the phone will ring and deciding NOT to answer it ahead of time is something that has to happen. Otherwise you get a situation where you break into a cold sweat due to an after hours problem at work during the early stages of foreplay:










For those with busy schedules and overcommitted work projects, it is not easy. And YES we actually have to get out diaries and pencil in time for one another. BUT, fortunately for me I am synced with my wife's iCloud calendar and I can automatically sneak myself in and have her watch remind her to start getting ready for a hot date tonight for sushi and then sex. As long as I put the sushi part first, she will send me a smiley!

Badsanta


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I guess I should be happy that none of these LD divorced women are looking for 5'6" guys?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

badsanta said:


> BUT, fortunately for me I am synced with my wife's* iCloud calendar and I can automatically sneak myself in and have her watch remind* her to start getting ready for a hot date tonight for sushi and then sex. As long as I put the sushi part first, she will send me a smiley!
> 
> Badsanta


I have no idea what this modern wizardry is but I have no doubt you will make it romantic :smile2:. 

I think the term 'scheduled sex' can sound very utilitarian but it is really not if done well and it's not just for busy people. For us...when we schedule sex it is so we can be more free to have sex as loudly as we wish, in any part of the house or take our time in the bathroom. For that we need to schedule it for when the house is absolutely guaranteed to be empty. Having a child with special needs means even having sex in the privacy of our own room is often interrupted. So I really see the merits of scheduling sex because sometimes waiting for the right time and the right moment never comes. That is not to say impromptu sex is not important either. :smile2:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> BTW "hunky" isn't the only thing that drives a woman's desires. That's primarily a guy's perspective, because, well, T&A is very high on men's list. HNHN, ya know?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Speaking for myself, a woman who has always had an enormous sex drive, hunky is an absolute requirement for getting in bed with me.

And yes, they can drive my desire even higher with other things. Things like intelligence, kindness, and excellent sexual skill.

If they aren't hunky first, none of the rest will matter.

Although hunky may matter less to some women than it does to me, I don't know any woman with a high sex drive personally who feels this way. And I know many with high sex drives who feel the way I do.

What qualifies for hunky varies greatly for the high sex drive women I know, however.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Speaking for myself, a woman who has always had an enormous sex drive, hunky is an absolute requirement for getting in bed with me.
> 
> And yes, they can drive my desire even higher with other things. Things like intelligence, kindness, and excellent sexual skill.
> 
> ...



@Faithful Wife Imagine yourself married to a super hunk-o-matic love machine, but he/she is often too busy for sex to ever happen in the relationship. What do you do?

For sure either you or one of your high drive friends has found themselves in this situation! Perhaps you have a rather colorful story to share...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Speaking for myself, a woman who has always had an enormous sex drive, hunky is an absolute requirement for getting in bed with me.
> ...


The women I've known in those types of situations have left those men. Being hunky doesn't mean a man is automatically also HD. An HD woman with an LD man is just as much of a problem as it is with the genders reversed.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@Faithful Wife I don't doubt that describes you and your "enormous sex drive". Sadly I don't think you're in the majority, and certainly not in my world

Not that there aren't many/most women who enjoy sex. But in my world of professionals, "hunky" is relative, shall we say. And the wives don't seem to be running away.

As I told my sons, when they had concerns about attracting girls, look at all their dads. They are all engineers, accountants, lawyers, etc. Their models are successful, hard working, smart guys. We don't live in an area where working out, dressing sexy, etc are valued. Of course many work out and dress well, but it tends to be health oriented rather than directed at aesthetics.

The girls mostly seem to be attracted to the same characteristics.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

DD1's last bae (?) was a hunk. College hockey player, millionaire father... Unfortunately he had the intellectual prowess of a hamster. Good kid but a hamster. They parted amicably after 5 years. What was cool in high school became OMG at 23. 

Current and hopefully last bae is a lanky kid who's just lucky to have good genes and stays thin despite DD1's cooking. Middle class, hard working, and common sense. But he's very smart.



Given the choice between brains or body I think DD1 chose well.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @Faithful Wife I don't doubt that describes you and your "enormous sex drive". Sadly I don't think you're in the majority, and certainly not in my world
> 
> Not that there aren't many/most women who enjoy sex. But in my world of professionals, "hunky" is relative, shall we say. And the wives don't seem to be running away.
> 
> ...


I have a nephew who is 19 and 5'4". He's been looking around on OLD and sees that all the girls his age "only want tall, really fit guys". That bums him out a lot, so he asked his mom about it.

His mom is 49, and dating a 33 year old tall, fit hunk. 

She was conflicted about her son asking her these questions because she herself only wants a tall fit hunk and in her case, she wants them young and strong (because that's the only guys who can keep up with her).

So she told him that he should target short girls who are brainy and nerdy (as that would describe her son as well).

She will not tell him that he may lose out to a lot of other guys based on his stature. Even though it is the truth. She also won't tell him that looks don't matter to women, because that is not the truth and telling young men this is not doing them any favors. 

The truth bears itself out soon enough. My nephew sees his taller, hunkier friends getting dates and sex left and right. He has eyes. He's not in denial.

So - you know some kids and I know some kids (more than the one example I gave - which one of us is correct? 

I know it's a nice feeling to believe that women are not as shallow as men are when it comes to looks...but it isn't accurate. It isn't shallow, either. Its nature taking its course.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

anonmd said:


> Eh, says a lot about them too.


And what does it say about men, who will notoriously choose a better looking woman over a nicer or smarter woman?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

john117 said:


> DD1's last bae (?) was a hunk. College hockey player, millionaire father... Unfortunately he had the intellectual prowess of a hamster. Good kid but a hamster. They parted amicably after 5 years. What was cool in high school became OMG at 23.
> 
> Current and hopefully last bae is a lanky kid who's just lucky to have good genes and stays thin despite DD1's cooking. Middle class, hard working, and common sense. But he's very smart.
> 
> ...


For me, intelligence and a good sense of humor will make an average man hunky. That's what keeps me around foe the long haul.

I've dated hunks who had rocks for brains. My desire for them didn't last long at all.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am always surprised at the number of people who do not know the science of sex. Then again, few know why we need oxygen other than dying without it.  Sex produces the hormone Oxytocin whose job it is to emotionally bond the couple together. It si the very same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. It is also present in the chemical mix we call love. It is one of those things that the more you have the more you want and vice versa. 

We have sex at least once a week but we are in our mid sixties. We used to have it everyday and for 30 of our 44 years of marriage, we lived in a poly triad with my wife's best friend who was also my lover. Sounds great doesn't it but you deal with two women having PMS and going through menopause and see if you do not want to blow your brains out.  Sexually it was a lot of fun and the more sex we had the more we loved each other and felt intimate. Whenever intimacy goes down, we have scheduled a few sex nights that were mandatory. Never thought about it having anything to do with most of what is on the poll. For us it was to get the Oxytocin exposure. Sure enough what started as just making out, ended up with sex within a few weeks until we were back in the saddle again. I did not invent this. This is often the recommendation of marriage counsellors. It works and works well.

I have experienced many of the things you listed after we left our ex girlfriend and were just a couple again. For us it was pretty new territory. However I never found scheduling sex to get rid of anxiety, etc.. I got sex whenever I asked for it and if I was too tired to perform, the girls would put on a show for me. If my wife was not in the mood, our girlfriend was so I really did not experience anything but exhaustion.  When I hit my 60's and we were a couple again, was when I started having performance anxiety. I have diabetes which gives me ED and my wife's libido was low. Our solution was the schedule sex and chastity play where my wife decides when I get to orgasm. Sex is all about her pleasure with no reciprocation required. She says I owe her for all those years she shared me with other women and I was the center of attention. I agree with her so sex is focused on her, and as a result she is having some of the best orgasms of her life with me and by herself. We do what it takes to keep sex alive in our 44 years of marriage.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> I have no idea what this modern wizardry is but I have no doubt you will make it romantic :smile2:.
> 
> I think the term 'scheduled sex' can sound very utilitarian but it is really not if done well and it's not just for busy people. *For us...when we schedule sex it is so we can be more free to have sex as loudly as we wish, in any part of the house or take our time in the bathroom. For that we need to schedule it for when the house is absolutely guaranteed to be empty.* Having a child with special needs means even having sex in the privacy of our own room is often interrupted. So I really see the merits of scheduling sex because sometimes waiting for the right time and the right moment never comes. That is not to say impromptu sex is not important either. :smile2:


My wife and I recently agreed to go back to our original schedule that had proven so successful. By sheer coincidence it also happened to be a time of the week that we had the house all to ourselves. 

OMG!!!!!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> I would agree with that!
> 
> Maybe we need a separate thread on techniques you can use on a low libido partner to temporarily get them to WANT to have sex. You know, list all of our tricks that work somewhat, so we can have a bag of tricks at the ready...


That would actually be very helpful


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

john117 said:


> That's the problem, and ingenious no desire partners should have no problem manipulating the opportunities to arrive at their (and only their) desired frequency outcome.
> 
> Like many things it's a good tool when everyone is honest and a not so good thing otherwise. Failing some serious sexual issues I would not go along with such a plan. Intimacy is not "metered" or "scheduled" the way you feed your cat.


That's exactly what I was thinking. If you take away the spontaneity you've really taken away alot of the enjoyment.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> I have a nephew who is 19 and 5'4". He's been looking around on OLD and sees that all the girls his age "only want tall, really fit guys". That bums him out a lot, so he asked his mom about it.
> 
> His mom is 49, and dating a 33 year old tall, fit hunk.
> 
> ...




I'm sorry but I don't follow what you're saying.

There is no one truth about attraction and you are incorrect if you believe most women prefer one thing or another in a man.

My sons are probably "hunky" by your definition - 6' and 6'2" and ripped - but they aren't interested in "hot" girls (I guess the equivalent of hunky guys?). They like smart, nice (and appealing looking) girls. My DD15 pointed out the types of f-boys that exist (I guess there are degrees or classifications) but she would never date any of the f-boys. She wants smart, funny (and good looking which is subjective). She said she wants someone who will win half the arguments with her (intellectual arguments) but she'll be very challenged to find that guy and I've tried to warn her (very high iq but doesn't realize she's that high).

Sadly though, height is the one thing that women are REALLY sticklers about, I would agree. My w said if I'd been an inch shorter she wouldn't have dated me (we were the same height).

And I absolutely understand women are as shallow as men... my point was that most guys view of hunky - big muscles, etc. - isn't necessarily the main thing for all women.

I do believe women tend to want a "winner" - strongest guy if you're trolling for that type, or smartest if you're trolling there. Maybe most creative (artist, musician) if that's your thing. I suppose you might call all the other types "nerdy" and dismiss them? IDK

Glad you found yours. My w and I found ours too


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> I would agree with that!
> 
> Maybe we need a separate thread on techniques you can use on a low libido partner to temporarily get them to WANT to have sex. You know, list all of our tricks that work somewhat, so we can have a bag of tricks at the ready...


If it were only as easy as a bag of tricks! I know, I've probably been through them all and then some!










But usually any "trick" that is mildly successful will take planning and preparation, and they only tend to work a few times at best. Eventually the HD will grow tired of putting on a show and resentful that things just don't happen more naturally. 

After years and years of struggles, I find scheduling to be the one "trick" that is so good, that it has now become a tool for helping us better understand one another. For the LD it can be more about, "finally today is a day that there is NO sex and I can let my guard down and enjoy spending quality time with my partner without any fears of being harassed for sex." And the HD can enjoy spending quality time with a spouse without trying to manipulate the evening for sex and just enjoy spending time together knowing that tomorrow it is on like Donkey Kong!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Tricks can easily be interpreted as manipulation and backfire big time stylee...beware.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> A long time ago I would have had a negative attitude towards scheduling intimacy, but it is an experiment that my wife and I have been trying now for almost a year with great success. This is often even recommended by therapists for couples that need some means to help rebuild a more meaningful relationship in regards to intimacy.
> 
> My wife is a huge advocate of "things just need to happen naturally!" But yet she finds the benefits of scheduling things in our relationship resolve a great deal of anxiety related issues we have struggled to overcome in the past.
> 
> ...


You cannot teach a Cat or a Martian not to pounce. It is inbred in their nature. My nature.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> A long time ago I would have had a negative attitude towards scheduling intimacy, but it is an experiment that my wife and I have been trying now for almost a year with great success. This is often even recommended by therapists for couples that need some means to help rebuild a more meaningful relationship in regards to intimacy.
> 
> My wife is a huge advocate of "things just need to happen naturally!" But yet she finds the benefits of scheduling things in our relationship resolve a great deal of anxiety related issues we have struggled to overcome in the past.
> 
> ...


You cannot teach a Cat or a Martian not to pounce. It is inbred in their nature. My nature.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> You cannot teach a Cat or a Martian not to pounce. It is inbred in their nature. My nature.


Fair enough, but at least the pouncing can be a little more playful as opposed to being something that results in anxiety and/or arguments!










I do admit I still pounce, but only playfully so and I am not expecting anything on our unscheduled days!

Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

The trick is to get the mouse to miss having the cat pounce.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

badsanta said:


> A long time ago I would have had a negative attitude towards scheduling intimacy, but it is an experiment that my wife and I have been trying now for almost a year with great success....


A followup to this thread after a year....

Learning to schedule intimate time together has probably been the most beneficial thing ever in my marriage. Some people may say spontaneity is much more important, but the process of scheduling things is like an exercise that highlights where problems and challenges are in one's marriage in a non confrontational way. Instead of an awkward spontaneous moment that didn't go well or was awesome for unknown reasons, scheduling it really helps to slow down the process and understand exactly what it is that works and what does not in a way that makes for easy and meaningful discussions. 

A year later my wife and I are doing much better, and that is mostly thanks to going through this process. We are now much more aware of what things are problematic for one another as well as what things are positive and enjoyable for both of us. Things have returned to being much more spontaneous for us. One of the big differences is that we both understand and respect each other's frequency of desire and the respective dynamics it creates for both sexual and nonsexual intimacy for us as a married couple. 

In a few years the kids will start going off to college and we look forwards to getting the house all to ourselves again!  

Regards,
Badsanta


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

our sex is scheduled for Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It works well for us and has for 7 years or so. It's 6am. We are about to go on a 5 mile hike with our furbabies...will be sexing around noon


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> A year later my wife and I are doing much better, and that is mostly thanks to going through this process.


I'm glad you are both happier for it.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Scheduling is a useful tool when there are problems. It is hard to reconnect
when there is not sex or infrequent sex.

Many couples after an affair stop having sex due to the WS, the BS, or both
not wanting to. So they are told that they should schedule sex and stick to
the schedule whether they are in the mood or not.

eventually they no longer have to schedule any more they just do it often
because they are again enjoying it.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I mean, intellectually it makes sense, but just like scheduling dental work, having a special date every 2-3 months doesn't make it any more desirable for the parties involved. And unlike dental work, the participants can always back out when the time comes.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> I mean, intellectually it makes sense, but just like scheduling dental work, having a special date every 2-3 months doesn't make it any more desirable for the parties involved. And unlike dental work, the participants can always back out when the time comes.


That's the thing. The supporters say it works great for them - but is it because they actually communicate better about their needs?

We tried it and it worked quite well till it got to the point of excuses I haven't heard when I was teaching. The all time favorite was "I'm stressed out because of the moths" (1 hole on one garment from a suspected moth)....

It works but only to the extent that communication is good. It won't fix communication...


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

john117 said:


> That's the thing. The supporters say it works great for them - but is it because they actually communicate better about their needs?


No, I think scheduling works for us because we both actually want to and like to have sex with each other, fairly regularly (OK, we do communicate on how often “regularly” is, and that is fluid). 

It (scheduling) is a fact of life for us now, I’m on an “as needed” ED med (takes an hour to kick in) and post menopause she says she needs to know in advance. So it’s not like it was years ago, but it is different but doable.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> I mean, intellectually it makes sense, but just like scheduling dental work, having a special date every 2-3 months doesn't make it any more desirable for the parties involved. *And unlike dental work, the participants can always back out when the time comes.*


I've cancelled on my dentist before. Nothing is sacred.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Fozzy said:


> I've cancelled on my dentist before. Nothing is sacred.


I don't want to live on this planet anymore.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> I mean, intellectually it makes sense, but just like scheduling dental work, having a special date every 2-3 months doesn't make it any more desirable for the parties involved. And unlike dental work, the participants can always back out when the time comes.


Why would one schedule every three or so months?

In busy times best to schedule in a couple days or nearer/closer. 

Or better yet, what TIMES window daily is consistent to be best time of day. 

My W and I reserved 8pm to start or earlier, daily. Weekends mornings are typical, plus evenings is typical. 

We may get up afterwards, about half the time, but we're always in a closer frame of mind. This accommodates our schedules. 

This is our pattern evolved through the years.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jb02157 said:


> That's exactly what I was thinking. If you take away the spontaneity you've really taken away alot of the enjoyment.


I kind of disagree with this. Reserving time for your SO can be MOST rewarding. 😎


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We usually schedule date night for Friday, and that gives us something to look forward to - my wife especially likes the anticipation to build. Date night is special, as we treat it like a date, it needs some preparation, we usually go out, and we know it will lead to great sex. It's a good way to transition from weekday sex to weekend sex!

Every other day is assumed to include good sex, but is more spontaneous, whether it's early evening, at bedtime, 2 am, morning, or - sometimes - all of those.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why would one schedule every three or so months?


In my experience (four years of marriage) that seems to be about the length of time where a woman's sexual urges start to kindle again. Now, all women are different, and there can be variables like hormone levels. But three months sounds about right.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yes, there are wide variations to the extremes. 

Although most common isn't three months but a lot less. But again what works is what's normal and a couple's successful pattern. 

Many, many married women are less.
After 33 yrs marriage ours is 4 to 9 times a week.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yes, there are wide variations to the extremes.
> 
> Although most common isn't three months but a lot less. But again what works is what's normal and a couple's successful pattern.
> 
> ...


Well, if you're doing it that often I might suggest better communication with your wife. She needs to know that her opinion on the frequency is also valid and should have a bearing on the actual frequency, because at present it seems like your opinion rules the roost alone.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Randy Lafever said:


> I mean, intellectually it makes sense, but just like scheduling dental work, having a special date *every 2-3 months* doesn't make it any more desirable for the parties involved. And unlike dental work, *the participants can always back out when the time comes.*


The once every 2-3 months part does not seem viable for trying to reconnect in a marital situation. Ideally you need to schedule something at least a few times a month or once a week for this to work. The idea is if you are going to work on improving something, it takes practice and effort. Imagine as if you wanted to train to be an olympian doing the long jump, but you only practice for about five or six hours a year if the weather permits. 

Now when it comes to canceling or participants trying to reschedule repeatedly, this then becomes a topic of conversation. Having a predetermined schedule can preemptively alleviate virtually any reason that a partner would need to reschedule:



Too tired (schedule earlier in the day)
Too busy (clear up some time)
Not feeling well (can only use this excuse once or twice)
Stressed out or upset (one can almost always choose to ignore/postpone stressful things)
Menstruation (unpredictable cycles can happen, but this should be a rare exception)
Not in the mood (well this is exactly the type of issue that scheduling will help you overcome as a couple through communication and working out ways needed to set the mood)
Harbored resentment (quality intimate time can be ideal for discussing and "motivating" each other's self improvement in the marriage) 
Impacted wisdom tooth (you should encourage your spouse to not be afraid of the dentist during nonsexual intimacy)

...I could go on and on, but my point being is that scheduling time for one another can help bring issues to the surface so that you can deal with them as a couple in a loving way. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

badsanta said:


> The once every 2-3 months part does not seem viable for trying to reconnect in a marital situation. Ideally you need to schedule something at least a few times a month or once a week for this to work.


Counterpoint: A man's sex drive might start to expect that frequency will become the norm, instead of it being a special case for relationship maintenance purposes.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Randy Lafever said:


> Counterpoint: A man's sex drive might start to expect that frequency will become the norm, instead of it being a special case for relationship maintenance purposes.


To the contrary...

An HD partner's drive will become more balanced once improvements have been made in the relationship. The LD partner will become less aversive to intimacy as the overall marriage improves. 

In other words as a husband you may not have as much desire as you start to feel appreciated and respected in the marriage. Your wife will become more receptive as she begins to feel appreciated and respected in the marriage. Essentially you learn how to care for one another's dynamics for intimacy in the marriage. 

But there will indeed be problems if one feels entitled to a certain frequency, nor does that reflect how a loving marriage should work. If there is anything to feel entitled to, I think it is fair to demand some personal space if one of the two needs some time alone. Other than that, nothing is for sure...

Badsanta


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

My ex-H and I did this when we were married, but had no communication about it. It was scheduled on an evening where he had nothing going on the following day. If it didn't happen that evening, it was the following morning. So it was timing that worked for him. And, it was done in a position that pleased him. So, he got a lot of benefit out of it, and I didn't, so in the end, I was jsut along for the ride, and the schedule ended up not being one of the things that killed our marriage.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Well, if you're doing it that often I might suggest better communication with your wife. She needs to know that her opinion on the frequency is also valid and should have a bearing on the actual frequency, because at present it seems like your opinion rules the roost alone.


Of, if she's like me, she gets antsy after 2 days lol

So....yeah....no

3 months is NOT "about right"

Sorry


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Just imagine how overrun the world would be with children if all women enjoyed sex.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> Just imagine how overrun the world would be with children if all women enjoyed sex.


There are ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies, ya know.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Just imagine how overrun the world would be with children if all women enjoyed sex.


Actually... if you look at this more closely, I think you will find that there is not a positive correlation between sexual liberation (enjoyment) and fertility rates. 

I love sex, and don't want any kids - having heard so many stories, kids seem like a good way to kill a good sex life. 

Parts of the world where women are oppressed, and not expected to enjoy sex have high rates of fertility. Verses parts of the world, where women are more sexually liberated, we see lower rates of fertility. 

There is not a positive correlation between women enjoying sex, and more babies. If anything, I think it may be just the opposite.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I doubt it is because some races are more fertile than others, we would have heard about that.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Just imagine how overrun the world would be with children if all women enjoyed sex.


What??? How ridiculous. We have all sorts of contraception methods.

I've never really encountered a brain like yours...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> I doubt it is because some races are more fertile than others, we would have heard about that.


I'm sorry, but in which country is the rock that you reside under? :grin2:


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

So you all are so smart, what is your explanation?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> I doubt it is because some races are more fertile than others, we would have heard about that.


No cable TV or internet in some of the red colored areas of the map... Not much in the way of women's rights in many of those places either.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> So you all are so smart, what is your explanation?





I shouldnthave said:


> Actually... if you look at this more closely, I think you will find that there is not a positive correlation between sexual liberation (enjoyment) and fertility rates.
> 
> I love sex, and don't want any kids - having heard so many stories, kids seem like a good way to kill a good sex life.
> 
> ...


^^^ This is what I agree with. Whether or not it's correct, I'm not sure, but it makes more sense than the world being overrun with children if more women loved sex.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> So you all are so smart, what is your explanation?


Explanation of what? I cannot even follow your thought process.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> What??? How ridiculous. We have all sorts of contraception methods.





Randy Lafever said:


> So you all are so smart, what is your explanation?


Explanation? BIRTH CONTROL and woman empowerment. 

The more autonomy women have, the less children they have. Give them the ability to make choices for themselves, access to birth control, and education, fertility rates plummet.

The places in red? Those are also the places with the highest levels of violence against women and oppression. This is a DIRECT CORRELATION. 

Chad is listed (in the article linked below) as the worst place in the word to be a woman when one looks at how much inclusion, justice and security a woman can expect. Not surprisingly, Chad ranks 4th on the fertility scale. 

Niger, tops the list on fertility, and 4th worst place for women. Meanwhile countries that rank high on gender equality have low fertility rates. It has long been known in the social sciences, if you want to reduce birth rates, the first thing to do is empower women, and give them an education - lower birth rates will follow. 


This chart shows the best and worst countries for women in the world today.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I'm going to try to phrase this delicately as I feel there may be some feminists in the room, but how do you explain that most of the women here in the United States who "enjoy sex" tend to have a lot of babies? They're the ones who, shall we say, are less choosy about their sexual partners.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> I'm going to try to phrase this delicately as I feel there may be some feminists in the room, but how do you explain that most of the women here in the United States who "enjoy sex" tend to have a lot of babies? They're the ones who, shall we say, are less choosy about their sexual partners.


LOL I always chuckle when people imply I am a feminist.

I love SEX. My husband and I partake every day. And yet I only have 2 kids. Because birth control, and condoms, and tubes tied....shall I go on?

Sorry, sweetie, you are just flat wrong. You do not know what you are talking about with this "if you like sex you must have a lot of babies" garbage. In fact, a friend of mine who has 10 kids doesn't like sex at all. She only wants it when she wants to get pregnant (her poor husband).

So no....it has nothing to do with feminism. You are just wrong.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> LOL I always chuckle when people imply I am a feminist.
> 
> I love SEX. My husband and I partake every day. And yet I only have 2 kids. Because birth control, and condoms, and tubes tied....shall I go on?
> 
> ...


Pregnancy is a statistical thing. The more often you have sex, the more likely you are to get pregnant. Sure, some things like birth control can reduce the risk but it is always there. All of my pregnancies have come when the woman was on the pill, but here we are.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Well, if you're doing it that often I might suggest better communication with your wife. She needs to know that her opinion on the frequency is also valid and should have a bearing on the actual frequency, because at present it seems like your opinion rules the roost alone.


I here what you're puttin' down.... but is erroneous in this circumstance. In our pattern my sweet W makes about half of these "requests" for romantic time. I'm more than happy to go along anytime. 

Does my opinion rule the roost? Mostly, unless W disagrees with something we're working on. Do I pay all the Bill's, handle accounts, well yes, that's our pattern. 

Does W have all accounts, passwords, insurance information at her fingertips in case I get hit by a chicken truck? That's a yes. I'd rather her do it but she'd rather I do it, so again I'm all for it. 

Does she shop, cook mostly, and fix my lunch for work? Well yes, but that's her pattern. And who am I to make her change. 

Am I the voice when time to argue with insurance companies or any wrong billing items? Yes, unless I ask her to or she wants to jump in, anytime. 

I'd rather her do it all but she'd rather I take all the first "hits" so I happily do. That's my pattern. She can be vicious when necessary to anybody that double bills us.

We're empty nesters at this time in our lives; kids, grandkids all well situated in homes of their own.

For the last five years W and I can walk into the kitchen nekkid if I want for the first time in forever. 

Unless the kids are over 😎 or we're grandkid sitting obviously.....

And I always say I'm a luck man, and by the same token she always says she's a lucky woman. We've been blessed and are thankful to the good Lord.

Am I perfect, absolutely not, but always thankful. 

😊 Dear W would kill me in my sleep over certain things, those faux paus I stay away from....


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> Pregnancy is a statistical thing. The more often you have sex, the more likely you are to get pregnant. Sure, some things like birth control can reduce the risk but it is always there. All of my pregnancies have come when the woman was on the pill, but here we are.


Some people are just very fertile. Heck, I knew a couple who had tubes tied after birth of second child; they got pregnant. Vasectomy after third child; they got pregnant with their fourth. Some people are fertile, and some are not. Some love sex and some do not, and that truly isn't a direct correlation as to how many children one will have. I'm 40 and have been on the pill since 26. I've had gobs of sex with various men (just made myself sound real easy there), and I've never gotten pregnant. Yay for the pill and condoms!


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> For the last five years W and I can walk into the kitchen nekkid if I want for the first time in forever.


Sure, you could, but what if the other person sees you? Seems too risky.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Pregnancy is a statistical thing. The more often you have sex, the more likely you are to get pregnant. Sure, some things like birth control can reduce the risk but it is always there. All of my pregnancies have come when the woman was on the pill, but here we are.


Our sex life became less an issue for more kids a hundred years ago when had the big V. I put it off some years but gave in because it was easier.
We wanted two kids, had two kids, and still had sex the same before and after the big V. Just one less thing to take precautions about. And we used all methods prior. And taught the same to our kids.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Randy Lafever said:


> I have had nine partners and found one of them attractive.





Randy Lafever said:


> Pregnancy is a statistical thing. The more often you have sex, the more likely you are to get pregnant. Sure, some things like birth control can reduce the risk but it is always there. All of my pregnancies have come when the woman was on the pill, but here we are.


These two comments seem to fit together somehow...


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

badsanta said:


> These two comments seem to fit together somehow...


You are suggesting that some of my sexual partners became pregnant when they falsely claimed to be on birth control?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> Sure, you could, but what if the other person sees you? Seems too risky.


You must have a really strong dislike of sex and being intimate with anyone. I'm so sorry; you're missing out on something fantastic!


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Ursula said:


> You must have a really strong dislike of sex and being intimate with anyone. I'm so sorry; you're missing out on something fantastic!


Well I don't want to be seen naked, nor do I want to see another person naked, if that is what you are getting at. Sex itself is fine (though 95% tedious) as long as it is in the dark.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> Well I don't want to be seen naked, nor do I want to see another person naked, if that is what you are getting at. Sex itself is fine (though 95% tedious) as long as it is in the dark.


Military surplus infrared goggles work quite well...


----------



## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> I'm going to try to phrase this delicately as I feel there may be some feminists in the room, but how do you explain that most of the women here in the United States who "enjoy sex" tend to have a lot of babies? They're the ones who, shall we say, are less choosy about their sexual partners.


You are making an incorrect assumptions. Lets say "those who are less choosy about their sexual partners" are also probably *less responsible* when it comes to birth control. 

As for your "more sex equals more babies talk " - birth control is 99+% effective when used properly. 

By your own admission, you have had sex about 35 times in your life, yet have gotten your wife pregnant 3 times. Your wife must not be doing the birth control thing properly.

In contrast, I have had sex with my husband, probably somewhere around 3,000+ times, and no pregnancies. That doesn't count the active sex life I had before him. Not getting pregnant is important to me, I take precautions. 

Most of my female friends have sex several times a week, and none have more than 3 kids. 

Your personal experiences are not the norm.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> Not getting pregnant is important to me, I take precautions.


If you had lived a hundred years ago, and since you have admitted that you "love sex", what would be more important to you: having sex, or not getting pregnant?


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> If you had lived a hundred years ago, and since you have admitted that you "love sex", what would be more important to you: having sex, or not getting pregnant?


That is an interesting hypothetical. 

100 years ago? As a woman, I wouldn't have had many choices. I would have most likely been married off by my family, and the man I would be married to, would rule my life. Women in the 1810's were expected to have babies and obey their husbands - and most likely my fate wouldn't have been much different. 

Now, in my fantasy, given how I grew up a tom boy - perhaps I would have been an outlier a rebel woman who was able to pass as a man, or something like that. Perhaps I would be a bronc buster, or work in a shop - a woman who was able to make choices for herself, instead of my father, brothers and husband making them for me. 

Or perhaps I would have been born an aristocrat, who did have access to some means of birth control, or the very least house maids to take care of the rug rats. 

So, in a historical context, if my choices were sex and motherhood, or no sex and no children, I think I would pick the latter.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Well I don't want to be seen naked, nor do I want to see another person naked, if that is what you are getting at. Sex itself is fine (though 95% tedious) as long as it is in the dark.


I dislike being crass, mostly, but hey I just walked into the kitchen nekkid. 

Dear W has already packed my favorite shorts as we're leaving on a four day fishing trip on the St. John's. 
😍 rather than hunt up my second or other shorts I just put in a pair of flip flops and called it a day after changing out of suit, then told W no sex today and she told me I'm mistaken.

My only task right now is to make the bed, she stripped the sheets today. One of my steady jobs is to make the bed when she decides the sheets need changing btw....W likes the way I do it, or likes the fact that I'll do it. A million years ago my Grandmother kept us grandkids busy and one if the things I learned is to make a military tight and hotel folded back. 

We see each other nekkid all the time. I myself couldn't imagine not desiring having and seeing W nekkid. I know theres different strokes for different folks and that's ok, I won't negatively comment on others preferences.

Well back to Alexa and making the bed. If I'm not out in an hour or too I got sidetracked 😍😍


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