# Help.



## CEJ39912 (Feb 18, 2010)

Before I begin, I am not married.

My mother has been married to my father for 22 years and they've never been happy. Throughout my life I've noticed that around each other it seems like they walk on eggshells.

I am the middle child of three girls and during my mother's pregnancy with my younger sister, my father found another woman, with my mother's same name, to fool around with.
He spent copious amounts of money on her, took her to Vegas and other vacationing spots and even took my older sister and I to meet her when we were younger. My father called her on my parent's anniversaries, took her into his work and to his and my mother's 'special' getaway places. 

The affair lasted from the time I was 4 years old until I turned eleven, the woman figured my father would not leave my mother for her and moved out of state with her son, thankfully not related to my father.

My mother knew and begged him to leave and let them separate the entire time it went on, but he refused to cooperate.

They swept it under the rug for the last seven years but it has risen to the surface when his co-worker mixed my mother and his affair up at a business party. 

For my childhood I remember my father being gone and my mother being in a deep depression, and that's how it is like living in the home now.

I catch my mother crying in her room and hate not having any advice. I am afraid because she's locked herself up multiple times for days and my father will not come home while she's in this mood. 

If anyone can give me advice to give to my mom that would help me understand it would be appreciated. I am scared that the depression will grow out of control.

My mother is very stubborn thanks to all of this and hold the biggest grudge I have ever seen. Although I can not blame her, I would like to figure out a way I could help her get over this. I have looked for many marriage counselors, books and web sites.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think the best thing she can do right now is to find outside interests that are important to her. She obviously spent most of her adult life subjugating herself both for him and for you guys. What has SHE gotten out of life? Try to get her to talk to you about things she used to want out of life; find ways for her to approach some of that again - art class, singing lessons, college degree...whatever she missed out on. Do it with her, if you have to, but get her out of the house and being a whole person again.

If you have to, tell her that it's for YOU, you want to take dance lessons or whatever she gave up on, but you're afraid to do it by yourself. She'll be more likely to take it on that way, if she's doing it for you.


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## CEJ39912 (Feb 18, 2010)

Thank you for your response. I have brought up her college degree that she has yet to finish. She had dropped out with us kids. 
After a nice long talk, with tears of course, we've decided that she can return to college. She's always wanted a career.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Perfect! I was never so happy as when I was taking classes. It took me 15 years to get my degree, at night. But I got it! Every class is one class closer to that degree. Make sure she follows through; with depression, she will have a hard time getting motivated; you may need to take her and get it done.

PS: You're a great daughter; she is lucky to have you.

Oh, and if I were you, I'd be telling your dad what you think of him for doing this to her. You need to get that off your chest.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

You are an amazing person. The loneliness so many of us feel is overwhelming. That you can be there for her - since after all its part of your life too - is a very special gift. Good for you.

I have found Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice to be very helpful. 

College is a great start. Your mom might feel trapped. The question - which probably haunts her - is would she do something differently if she could - and what. I personally have been in 'undecided' mode for a year and a half. My H had been in 'an affair is eaiser' mode for 10 years. But now he is working I'll say as hard as I am to rebuild. Is your father? Does he get it?
I might suggest that YOU read marriage builders first - then give it to your father to read. BUT first take the part of him that you see apply to him. Trust me, you'll be able to call him straight up on a lot of stuff. This isn't to HARM him. Its to help him. He too might feel at a loss. 

Good luck. And thank you for being there for her. Keep your eyes open and never forget.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

I understand that it might not be realistic for your mother to get away from your father. But, I do think that it would be invigorating to her. 

However, like Tunera, I agree that if she begins to work on herself she will slowly start to feel better. When I went through (actually I'm still going through it) finding out my Husband's affairs, I slipped into a DEEP depression too. I recently started college back up again and even just signing up for classes lifted my spirits. 

Also, this sounds cheesy but be sure to compliment her now and then. Don't do it to the point that it seems fake, but every once in a while tell her that her hair looks nice that way, that shirt looks good on her or thank her for passing down a beautiful trait. If she starts to feel beautiful again, it will make a huge difference. Women need stuff like that. At least, I know that I do.

You are a great daughter. Your mother is so lucky to have you!


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## CEJ39912 (Feb 18, 2010)

Thank you for all of your responses, your advice has been extremely helpful.

My mother will try to go to college this fall and surprisingly we may be in the same class. Seeing how we're both about to finish. 

My father and I have talked and its still frustrating to be in the same room with him. Whenever I try to have a heart to heart and ask him about it, or give him advice on how to handle mom, he denies everything. I could give him the receipt to the hotel with his card number on it and he'll say 'forget about it, I changed'.

I understand my dad wanting to get over his long lasting affair, but that's not what my mother wants just yet. My mother talk about this all the time, my other two sister's are still not old enough to get everything. 

She's tired of my father avoiding the questions she has. She knows that he's lying, and denying her accusations and that's what hurts her the most. My dad is becoming very upsetting with me prying into 'their business' and I understand that it may be strange on some level for a daughter to try to mediate between her parents but I'm scared for my mom's health. 

So instead of wondering what I should do with my mother, since me and her have actually been doing great. We've created an exercise routine to get out of the house in the morning, worked on the design of our house, and when we pull some money together will go spend sometime at the mall.

I'm wondering on how to handle my father. He loves to be in control. He refuses to let my mother find a job, and hates the idea of her going to college and finishing her degree. His control is slowly eating away at my mother's stress level and I can see it in the way she moves, she talks, and lives.

How do you handle a father that thinks denying it is the best option?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't. You will never change him.

You CAN, however, help your mother learn to be more assertive. To understand that SHE has rights, and SHE can create boundaries to keep herself safe. For instance, if he yells at her, you can teach her to say to him "I don't deserve to be yelled at and I will leave the room until you can speak to me politely" - but then she HAS to leave the room!

This is her protecting herself. It's habits, she'll have to learn them. You can help her role play. You can get her the book The Dance of Anger, which is about learning how to stop being the perpetual Giver, while others Take from you. Small book, easy read, she'll get a lot out of it, I think.

I am like your mom, very passive, afraid to ask for what I deserve (like for him to answer her questions - he doesn't because he doesn't want to be seen as a bad person, and he also knows she won't push it). One time my H yelled at me, and I used that exact response I described above, and his jaw dropped! Literally! That was 2 years ago, and he hasn't yelled at me since. I did leave the room, though. She has to follow through on her boundaries.

You might also get her Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Bancroft. It will really hit home with her, if he is really that controlling. 

Above all, do NOT let her back down on that degree! You may have to stand up to your dad, even threaten him (as in "I will move mom out of this house if you don't back off), to ensure he doesn't try to browbeat her into giving it up. Right now he is terrified that he will lose control of her if she goes to school, so he WILL ratchet up the pressure on her. Tell her that so she can prepare for it.

I'm so glad you're helping her. Women in her position...it is SO hard to stop being the doormat he has trained her to be on her own.


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## CEJ39912 (Feb 18, 2010)

I will look into both those books.

Its funny that you brought up the 'move her out of the house' threat. 

I've made jokes to my dad while my fiance and I look for house. Saying, 'make sure we have a guest room for my mom'. While my mother nods enthusiastically about the idea. My father finds it irritating and refuses to approve any house we look at. 

I'm so thankful that I found this forum, its been extremely helpful. 

My father is extremely controlling and while I have done my best to stand up to him for myself and others, I'm afraid that when I do move in and leave her, he will take complete control over her life. On a positive note, our house may offer a safe refuge when she wants to get away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your mother is desperate for help (the enthusiastic nodding), but unable to do it herself. Very typical of abused women.

Make sure she reads those books, then, and anything by Patricia Evans. She needs to understand what she's dealing with. Also, tell her to always have a small bag packed at all times with toiletries, underclothes, shoes, and a change of clothes. If she has her own car, have her keep it in the trunk. Have her keep her car keys in her pocket at all times and her wallet in the car (if it's safe there) or near the door at all times. If no car, make sure she has her cell phone on her at all times so she can call you for help.

If she truly does start making these changes, he will exhibit what's called 'change back!' behavior, to try to get her back in line. It may get ugly.

You may also want to take her to visit a women's shelter, so that she can see (1) she's not alone and (2) what can happen to women if they wait too long. Plus she'll see she has another way out, if it gets ugly. 

Is she seeing a therapist. See if you can get that to happen. She will need it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I would echo a lot of what tunera says (as always--we pretty much agree don't we? ) but with just a few notes to you. 

1) Please introduce these concepts to your mom somewhat slowly. If you pounce on her with "Dad is Abusive" she'll say he's not and defend him and it'll overwhelm her, etc. She is a fully-grown, adult woman with a mind of her own. Give *her* the respect of showing her a book or a site and then allowing *her* to figure it out on her own. She will need to see this at her speed, not yours. 

2) It is entirely possible that your mom may learn all about these topics and decide to stay anyway. That is her prerogative. This is her relationship with her husband, and she gets to make her own choices. I bring this up because making decisions FOR her just puts her in the same position she's in with your dad, and trying to "make" her see it your way does not give her the respect she needs to learn. Give her the freedom to make her own choices even you if believe it is the "wrong" choice...otherwise you're disrespecting her too. 

3) I point you to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Website. It is not only about verbal abuse but it can really throw some light on the situation and it's really an easy-going site...with a kitty on it. This page is a really good place to start: Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse. One reason I like this site is that Dr. Irene doesn't just help you see the problem, but she has help for both the abused person and the abuser! I like that!


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## CEJ39912 (Feb 18, 2010)

Thank you for the link to the website. 

I do not want to make her own decisions for her. I just want to give her advice and hope that she listens to it. If she wants to continue living the way she has adapted to living it is her own right and choice.

I've been gathering information to not only understand her situation for myself, but provide a better 'venting' partner for her. I would like to be able to understand where she is coming from in her own way.

Also I would like to understand how to handle the situation between their arguments. Usually I used the method as 'don't move and try to look as useless as possible'. Now I can follow the argument with educated ears from both their sides.

I want to be able to go to her and tell her. "Hey, what about trying this?" In hopes that it will improve her happiness.

Once again, thank you for the excellent advice and sources. She is currently reading one of the books. I was afraid she would be upset or defensive about reading it, but she was actually very positive.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds great. I think she is truly wanting to change things. You are being a great daughter.


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