# Twenty Years of Patience and Tolerance



## DameEdna

Hia Folks

20 years this year... patience, tolerance, an ability to turn a blind eye to those little " cyber infidelities" on the internet..... is it love? Is the grass greener? What if we split, cause a lot of heartache for us + our teenagers... and decide we made a mistake? Nah, we'll continue with our "safe" "content" little lifestyle. 20 years is an achievement... many others in our situation would've long since thrown in the towel.


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## preso

Since its been so long, at this point it may not be worth changing anything and just moving on with your life while still married to him.
Just depends on whats at risk, and if there is anything at stake as a severe change in lifestyle ( down)... if you divorce.
If your spouse has health problems, smokes, drinks, etc.... you could divorce, they could end up remarried and the new spouses gets all the benefit of your patience.
If at all possible, its always best to stay married.... unless of course your being emotionally or physically abused and cannot defend yourself for some reason.


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## MarkTwain

So is this a success story or not?


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## preso

My father used to tell me... life is not about finding happiness as happiness is elusive....
it's about learning to be content with what we have.


He was a wise man.


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## SFladybug

Hard to measure success when it feels vague, but I am there as well at 30 years. I don't know if this is pathetic or wonderful. I kind of like Preso's dad's saying. Still, I would prefer to end the race of life knowing I have tried all I can to love someone else, even when they sometimes seem unlovable to me (cause I am often not so lovable myself). Keep hanging in there and maybe you will find some of the depth found from commitment. I know I have found that but also a lot of frustration a lot of the time.


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## Ingrid

I dunno... I'll be honest... 

"safe" and "content" scares the heck out of me.

(Married 15.5 years, feeling safe but _discontent...._)


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## DameEdna

MarkTwain said:


> So is this a success story or not?


Yep I suppose you could say it is


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## preso

It's quite possible that your love is deeper and richer than you realize... although maybe not as exciting, its actually better since its based on commitment and it's the way it's intended to be.

I feel no matter whose marriage, the fire or romance burns out and it becomes a different thing. I think it's suppoosed to.
I also feel the key to it is... to build your own friends, hobbies and life... as your spouse cannot be everything to you and isn't suppoosed to be.

I am a newlywed, 50 years old but I understand this topic all too well................................
as so many friends and relatives have been there.

I've often wondered... maybe its how things are supposed to be?
and a opportunity to delve into another side of marriage.
What do you think?


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## MarkTwain

preso said:


> It's quite possible that your love is deeper and richer than you realize...


:iagree:


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## preso

Ingrid said:


> I dunno... I'll be honest...
> 
> "safe" and "content" scares the heck out of me.
> 
> (Married 15.5 years, feeling safe but _discontent...._)


I don't know why....
you know your happiness is your responsibility. Maybe if you take a new type job, go back to school, find some new hobbies you will feel better about things. 
Your discontent may have nothing to do with your marriage, but something inside you and only you alone can fix it.


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## DameEdna

preso said:


> It's quite possible that your love is deeper and richer than you realize... although maybe not as exciting, its actually better since its based on commitment and it's the way it's intended to be.


:smthumbup:That is the most logical and sensible thing anyone has ever said to me, and it makes sense:scratchhead:

And of course, I have to find my own happiness without relying on him. So new challenges in my life need to happen.... and I am going to make them happen. 

Thanx guys


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## preso

Maybe this is why so many women feed their husbands bacon, eggs, sausage and other fat rich foods.... 
Just a thought as I've been told this by women, I thought they were kidding but as time goes on and I grow older, I understand they might not be kidding.


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## Ingrid

Lostandconfused said:


> I think Preso has hit on a viable concept that love doesn't = passion; however, there are some parts of these marriages that MUST change. I'm not talking about needing the "excitement / lust / scynging the sheets with passion" here. I'm talking about the actual communication occuring and real LOVE vs. plain ENDURANCE.


:iagree:

This is kinda what I was meaning by being scared of "safe" and "content" if that really means complacency and a dull apathy that can happen in long-term marriages.


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## preso

I did not meet any man I wanted to marry until much later in life ( near 50)
so I'm thinking we will be dead by the time we start getting sick of each other.

Maybe marriage is for older folks ?

lol


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## DameEdna

You know, I think marriage SHOULD be for older folks.... in your teens and twenties, who has a clue what they want in a man???


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## preso

DameEdna said:


> You know, I think marriage SHOULD be for older folks.... in your teens and twenties, who has a clue what they want in a man???



I also agree with that... 
it has seemed to work well for me to wait to marry
but it has downsides... his kids from a previous marriage.

I think it would be even better if INSTEAD OF MENSTRATION
occuring early, MENAPAUSE should come first and people should not even begin to start being able to have kids until 40 !!!

Just think.... how much better it would be not only for couple and their kids, but what better kids might come from those relationships.


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## DameEdna

Hehe, thats funny, yes menopause should come first shouldnt it  Marriage + kids should come later when people are more mature and able to deal with the things life throws at them.

I married at 22 which to me now is wayyyyy too young, but I did have parental pressure to set a wedding date, and there didnt seem any reason not to.


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## preso

There was a show MORK and MINDAY... the planet Mork came from people were born old and got young.

Ever see thsat show?
That would be much better.... the kids we have could then take care of us as children...
lol


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## DameEdna

I heard of Mork+Mindy, but never saw it


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## preso

Part of the problem now, in places like the USA is the overuse of many things based on consumerism, like the fact MEAT is pumped up with things like growth hormones and girls are developing too early. They have the brains of babies and the bodies of women. 
They are getting into relationships and sexual activity too soon and having kids they can not support or emotionally raise into healthy people ( meaning... kids who are not dysfunctional).
They are kids having babies before the legal age in in some cases even before the age of 16... and it creates many problems not only for them, but everyone as we have to carry and help them, while they often do nothing for themselves except go back to having more babies they can't raise or deal with.
They use certain chemicals also in hair products as well as in food....
and it makes girls start menstration sooner, hormones kick up sooner... 

so... my point being, what is happening to children and young adults may not exactly be natural or the way things are intended to be by nature... but some freakish
side effect being the adverse effect of the food and other industries that cause early sexual maturation, without the 
emotional maturation being equal.


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## 2behappy

Lostandconfused said:


> I think Preso has hit on a viable concept that love doesn't = passion; however, there are some parts of these marriages that MUST change. I'm not talking about needing the "excitement / lust / scynging the sheets with passion" here. I'm talking about the actual communication occuring and real LOVE vs. plain ENDURANCE.
> 
> But the passion is so desired..... I'm on year 28...knew him all of my life...5 children, the oldest in Heaven due to an auto accident....should be 24, youngest 5. I WANT passion again....I want a spark instead of the same routine of endurance. I LONG for communication that he so easily accepts to avoid. I feel as though we go through the motions of life now without true enjoyment. Habit...so-to-say.
> 
> Can I ask if the cyber infidelities are "porn"? Just curious...


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## preso

I am 50 and for over 3 decades I have had to muster up patience and tolerance not FOR A MAN
but myself and walk away from many men who basically were just not up to snuff.
It was a long road, sometimes looking crazy... but I made it and found the right one.
I had to be patient and tolerant with myself for BAD PICKS, THROW BACKS and all the other undesirables.
I think it worked out well though.................. it also made me a stronger person.
There were only a few times I went for a long time without a man, maybe a year...
but there are so many men and in my opinion, most not worth marrying or all that work.


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## CarolineMRF

preso said:


> It's quite possible that your love is deeper and richer than you realize... although maybe not as exciting, its actually better since its based on commitment and it's the way it's intended to be.
> 
> I feel no matter whose marriage, the fire or romance burns out and it becomes a different thing. I think it's suppoosed to.
> I also feel the key to it is... to build your own friends, hobbies and life... as your spouse cannot be everything to you and isn't suppoosed to be.
> 
> I am a newlywed, 50 years old but I understand this topic all too well................................
> as so many friends and relatives have been there.
> 
> I've often wondered... maybe its how things are supposed to be?
> and a opportunity to delve into another side of marriage.
> What do you think?


In order for me to answer your questions, it will take me more than one post...I feel that I know this Topic as much if not far more than anyone...You posed questions that will take me time to answer....I will be starting my own thread....I will also be adding my original post that I took off under marriage...At the time I felt that this site didn't need or care for what I had to say...Now I see that I was wrong....Hopefully I will be getting started with it tonight....

Take care,
Caroline


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## preso

CarolineMRF said:


> In order for me to answer your questions, it will take me more than one post...ITake care,
> Caroline


I do not have questions... I was just making a statement.

I am newly married ( few years) by choice. I've had a full life and many men... I'm sure no vigin and not niave !!! lol


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## carmaenforcer

preso said:


> My father used to tell me... life is not about finding happiness as happiness is elusive....
> it's about learning to be content with what we have.
> 
> 
> He was a wise man.


A very wise man *preso*

And might I say, it's nice that you are not one of those people ready to advise or suggest divorce to everyone experiencing marital problems.

Original Poster, hang in there man. Us men don't live that long anyway and anyone making it 20 years is a success story, no matter how hard the road was to get there. In fact, the harder the road the more those 20 years mean.


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## solie

AMEN. You are responsible for your own happiness. Own it and LIVE is my new motto!


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## Trying to be Galahad

I can tell you that your love is deeper than you think or you would not be 20 plus years. I know. We married September 3, 1971. We had what I thought were good years and some bad.

Recently (a few years ago) I found that she feels that I prevent her from succeeding. She feels that I do this intentionally. She feels that if I didn't just prevent her from succeeding I got involved with her effort to take it over and make it mine. She thinks that I always want to be superior and do little things all the time to put her down and stifle her.

I knew early on that my wife had a troubled past. She was abused as a child and taken advantage of as a teenager. I thought we were getting past that, that she was beginning to love me the way I love, but that same few years ago I found that she doesn't trust me or any other man. She had been "playing along" to keep me from finding out.

I would and will live the rest of my life trying to show her she can trust me completely. I love her dearly, more than life. Truly, I would give my life for her without question. I would do anything for her, even let her go if it would be best for her.

I do want to know if anyone can help me to convince her I want her to succeed. She has convinced herself that I have interfere with everything she has tried to do, that I intentionally kill her dreams. Nothing could be further from the truth. I supported her in her Art and her efforts to do many things. Just last night I found that rather then supporting her she felt that I was trying to take over her Art group, her Ceramics, and everything else she tried to make it mine, to show I was superior to her and put her down. I do not know how she could think this.

So, anyway, take heart. Hopefully you can talk to your wife and show her how much you care. Hopefully you will not have to fight to breach a wall of distrust she has built around her feelings. Hopefully your road to happiness will not be as seemingly impossible as mine is.

Good luck.


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