# Sex while going through MC; problems



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

I would like to hear thoughts about how to deal with sex in a marriage when there are significant problems and you have just started counseling. DH and I have only had one counseling session, and they are spaced 2 weeks apart so we don't go again until a few days from now. We haven't been intimate in about a couple of months, but now DH has been trying the last few days. I have NO desire to go there right now, as I am almost to the point of being ready to end the marriage. I am hoping that counseling will help us come back together, but at the moment I want nothing to do with intimacy. How do I approach this subject with him, and am I even being fair to ask him to respect my position right now? Our relationship problems are not sexual in nature, I just have no desire because I feel we are so far apart emotionally. Is it ok to tell him that? Thanks.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

vampfan75 said:


> I would like to hear thoughts about how to deal with sex in a marriage when there are significant problems and you have just started counseling. DH and I have only had one counseling session, and they are spaced 2 weeks apart so we don't go again until a few days from now. We haven't been intimate in about a couple of months, but now DH has been trying the last few days. I have NO desire to go there right now, as I am almost to the point of being ready to end the marriage. I am hoping that counseling will help us come back together, but at the moment I want nothing to do with intimacy. How do I approach this subject with him, and am I even being fair to ask him to respect my position right now? Our relationship problems are not sexual in nature, I just have no desire because I feel we are so far apart emotionally. Is it ok to tell him that? Thanks.


Sex is an Important part of intimacy for many guys myself included. If I wasn't having sex with my partner I would feel further and further disconnected the longer that went to the point of leaving eventually. so this would be counter productive to fixing communication and emotional bonding issues. This could likely further become exasperated if he is using porn to get by now that you aren't available. You may not have a sex problem now but the longer this goes the more likely one could develop


I would suggest you either bring this up to him or with the counselor to see what thier thoughts are Impossbile to know the affect on him without knowing him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

be honest with him and yourself. 

Always.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

It seems counter-intuitive to marriage counseling (with the focus to improve your marriage) if you are choosing not to make effort to be intimate with your husband. 

Wouldn't you think it a little backwards if your husband decided not to participate in affection or intimate conversation and still say he is trying to improve the marriage?

Sex is a way to connect to your partner...just as intimate conversation, or affection would be...

Seems like you're shooting yourself in the foot.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Can you be more specific about what's going on that's gotten you to the point of wanting to end the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

cons said:


> It seems counter-intuitive to marriage counseling (with the focus to improve your marriage) if you are choosing not to make effort to be intimate with your husband.
> 
> Wouldn't you think it a little backwards if your husband decided not to participate in affection or intimate conversation and still say he is trying to improve the marriage?
> 
> ...


Thank you. This makes sense. If I'm asking my DH to do some things that are uncomfortable for him right now (opening up about feelings, etc) than I guess I should also be going outside my comfort zone.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I don't blame you...It's REALLY hard to be vulnerable when there are walls that have been built. Some walls maybe are for protection, some maybe for retaliation...either way it feels very uphill.

The best advice I can give you, is to focus on what is best for the "we" (the couple ship). This does NOT mean thinking of this in the terms of sacrifice...don't think ,"I'll sacrifice having sex if he'll sacrifice being more open"...

Instead look at the action YOU can take to nurture the "we"... know that quality time, conversation, sex, recreational companionship, etc., will all feed the coupleship...

I think if by your actions of care for the marriage...he too will be more and more open to do the same...

...it's definitely not a "quick fix"....but it is a worthwhile "labor of love"


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## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

cons said:


> I don't blame you...It's REALLY hard to be vulnerable when there are walls that have been built. Some walls maybe are for protection, some maybe for retaliation...either way it feels very uphill.
> 
> The best advice I can give you, is to focus on what is best for the "we" (the couple ship). This does NOT mean thinking of this in the terms of sacrifice...don't think ,"I'll sacrifice having sex if he'll sacrifice being more open"...
> 
> ...


More good advice. I admit I am having a tough time thinking of us as a "we" right now. I have sort of walled myself up and am waiting for the next "attack" so to speak instead of being open to what being vulnerable could achieve. I will try and take your advice and work with him instead of against him.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

vampfan75 said:


> More good advice. I admit I am having a tough time thinking of us as a "we" right now. I have sort of walled myself up and am waiting for the next "attack" so to speak instead of being open to what being vulnerable could achieve. I will try and take your advice and work with him instead of against him.


Keep in mind it may have been very difficult for him to approach you for sex if you are having such a difficult time.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

You are going to MC...but on the verge of leaving...
Want him to change for the better, but you arent sure...
Sex isnt on the table for you, even though its the primary way men get signaled that they are still wanted...

You may want to reconsider your approach to this.
This method might not work...but I am wondering if your really want it to work.

You seem "ambivalent".


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Last week, you wanted him to leave. If nothing's changed, I would think it's a little soon to consider having sex with him if you're not feeling it. 

If he hadn't initiated in a couple of months (I assume that's the case) and now is suddenly initiating, maybe he thinks sex will help keep your marriage together. That works for some women but not all. 

Tell him under the current circumstances you're just not quite ready yet.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

When you're in a deadlocked situation, somebody has to go first.

And when that person does go first, then the other person has an accountability to step up, too.

I mean, you have to decide what you're willing to gamble and compromise on first. Maybe it's sex, maybe it's something else. That's your call.

But if you don't move forward when the other person is, who's holding the marriage back now?


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## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> You are going to MC...but on the verge of leaving...
> Want him to change for the better, but you arent sure...
> Sex isnt on the table for you, even though its the primary way men get signaled that they are still wanted...
> 
> ...


Yes I am sure I come across as ambivalent b/c I am so conflicted. One day I can't see another day in this marriage, the next I want things to work. My biggest problem I believe at this point is my fear of being brutally honest with my DH and letting HIM make his own decision about what HE wants from this marriage. I have been just spinning around in my head assuming that he wants it to work, when I guess I don't really know what he will say once he knows everything.


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## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Last week, you wanted him to leave. If nothing's changed, I would think it's a little soon to consider having sex with him if you're not feeling it.
> 
> If he hadn't initiated in a couple of months (I assume that's the case) and now is suddenly initiating, maybe he thinks sex will help keep your marriage together. That works for some women but not all.
> 
> Tell him under the current circumstances you're just not quite ready yet.


Yes last week I was ready to ask him to leave, but I have decided to give the MC some more time to work. I realized that the thought of shuffling my child back and forth between two households was not something I was ready to face without more effort at fixing our relationship. It still may not work, but I will never be able to live with myself if I feel I gave up too soon. I have a lot to think about still. An honest talk with him is still in order, and I need to stop procrastinating and just do it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you need to be very direct with him so he knows where the marriage stands. That will obviously be a difficult conversation but it does need to be said.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

vampfan75 said:


> Thank you. This makes sense. If I'm asking my DH to do some things that are uncomfortable for him right now (opening up about feelings, etc) than I guess I should also be going outside my comfort zone.


Have you given him examples of "opening up about feelings, etc.."? For someone who probably doesn't think of these things all the time it may be hard for him to figure out exactly what you want him to talk to open up to you about. I know this is one of my wifes biggest zings on me as well.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

One more option is to try and bring it up at your next MC appointment. It will at least let you explain why you are not desiring him currently and you've got the counselor there to help guide you through the discussion and possible problems that are creating this feeling. It should at least put the two of you on the same page with the sexpectations for a while. Not saying he will agree with your side of it, but at least you'll have the counselor there for that talk.


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## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> One more option is to try and bring it up at your next MC appointment. It will at least let you explain why you are not desiring him currently and you've got the counselor there to help guide you through the discussion and possible problems that are creating this feeling. It should at least put the two of you on the same page with the sexpectations for a while. Not saying he will agree with your side of it, but at least you'll have the counselor there for that talk.


This is a good idea, and as we have our appointment tonight, I will probably bring it up because I know it is something he is probably wondering about right now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since you feel so sorry for the husband, why don't you pay his child support from his first marriage so he can help support the child from this marriage.

BTW, he couldn't afford to live on his own and meet his financial obligations to his first child let alone his second. If he had any care for anyone other than himself, he'd stop letting his wife carry the lion's share of the financial load & step up.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I had my post all figured out and then I cam across this post.



Blondilocks said:


> Since you feel so sorry for the husband, why don't you pay his child support from his first marriage so he can help support the child from this marriage.
> 
> BTW, he couldn't afford to live on his own and meet his financial obligations to his first child let alone his second. If he had any care for anyone other than himself, he'd stop letting his wife carry the lion's share of the financial load & step up.




Wow, it sounds like there is a raging river beneath this bridge.

If you want to save your marriage, but only if your H can/will step up, having sex with increase the bond you two share.

But, some marriages shouldn't be saved. It sounds like yours might be one of them.

Never marry boys ladies!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Is it possible that you are further removed emotionally from the marriage than you realized? Women generally detach emotionally from what has hurt them and with time that detachment leads us to a point of finally being able to leave and without attachment in the relationship sex usually is difficult. 

Your husband is probably wanting sex to aid in his feelings of attachment towards you.

What you have described happened to my husband and I when we went into marriage counseling and I found it very confusing, I had wanted the counseling, I had wanted the marriage to repair itself. What I didn't realize was how emotionally detached I had become over the years. When we entered into counseling I think my husband's thought for resolve was sex, mine was to get to the bottom of issues that caused our disconnect....his alcohol abuse, his lack of support, his EAs and lusty eyes for other women, his lack of interest shown towards and me and the family. I felt the issues not only needed to be resolved but I wanted to see his sincerity for change. When I expressed to husband what I felt and how I was having trouble with the sex part he just basically threw up his hands and said, "Ïf you not going to try there is no sense in me trying." I was trying and he could not see that because he could not understand my emotional needs and the hurt all his actions had caused. His focus was sex and that was supposed to make it all better. Unfortunately it doesn't fix anything to have sex with your husband when nothing changes that you have been hurt by.


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## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> Is it possible that you are further removed emotionally from the marriage than you realized? Women generally detach emotionally from what has hurt them and with time that detachment leads us to a point of finally being able to leave and without attachment in the relationship sex usually is difficult.
> 
> Your husband is probably wanting sex to aid in his feelings of attachment towards you.
> 
> What you have described happened to my husband and I when we went into marriage counseling and I found it very confusing, I had wanted the counseling, I had wanted the marriage to repair itself. What I didn't realize was how emotionally detached I had become over the years. When we entered into counseling I think my husband's thought for resolve was sex, mine was to get to the bottom of issues that caused our disconnect....his alcohol abuse, his lack of support, his EAs and lusty eyes for other women, his lack of interest shown towards and me and the family. I felt the issues not only needed to be resolved but I wanted to see his sincerity for change. When I expressed to husband what I felt and how I was having trouble with the sex part he just basically threw up his hands and said, "Ïf you not going to try there is no sense in me trying." I was trying and he could not see that because he could not understand my emotional needs and the hurt all his actions had caused. His focus was sex and that was supposed to make it all better. Unfortunately it doesn't fix anything to have sex with your husband when nothing changes that you have been hurt by.


You have pretty much nailed what happened in our MC session last night! Except the issue of sex never even got discussed because by the time I got through explaining why I felt so disconnected, he basically said "well sounds like you want to kick me to the curb, so what's the point?" I'm very frustrated b/c I too want to see him attempt change before I open myself back up, and I fear that won't happen. Our counselor even said that she would like us to work on our communication skills and call her back if they improve because otherwise she can't help us. BTW, how did your story end? Did the counseling get any better?


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## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

If I understand this correctly, you are no longer attracted to your husband sexually. Is this correct?

Assuming that you were attracted to him when you married him, when did this stop? Was it purely related to his inability to find a job?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

This seems like a horrible response but here it is. If you are like most women having an emotional connection to you husband fuels your libido. Most men don't realize that. While most men can separate the sexually act from needing the emotional connection, most women can't. I myself have had sex with my WH because I was told by my pastor to make myself available to my husband but the sex was very unsatisfying for me. I felt like I compromised myself in some way. So be aware that the experience might be fine for him but watch that you don't become resentful.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

vampfan75 said:


> I have sort of walled myself up and *am waiting for the next "attack"* so to speak instead of being open to what being vulnerable could achieve. I will try and take your advice and work with him instead of against him.


That sounds like a man who doesn't deserve you, sex, or anything else.

I hope you have not allowed all these men - who want sex - to convince you to go against your nature. If a woman has to constantly feel under attack or waiting for the next one, she is normally disgusted, actually repulsed by even the thought of him touching her. So, don't do it. There is zero point in you having to cringe during sex because that kind of guy doesn't change anyway.

And whoever suggested that you pay his child support so that he can help to support the child you have with him needs his head examined. You need your head examined too if something about that statement made any kind of sense to you.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

vampfan75 said:


> Yes I am sure I come across as ambivalent b/c I am so conflicted.  One day I can't see another day in this marriage, the next I want things to work. My biggest problem I believe at this point is my fear of being brutally honest with my DH and letting HIM make his own decision about what HE wants from this marriage. I have been just spinning around in my head assuming that he wants it to work, when I guess I don't really know what he will say once he knows everything.


This really has to be done. You really can't move forward without this.



CarlaRose said:


> And whoever suggested that you pay his child support so that he can help to support the child you have with him needs his head examined. You need your head examined too if something about that statement made any kind of sense to you.


I'm pretty sure that was said tongue in cheek. That was by no means a real suggestion.


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