# Wait. What.



## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

Hi. I've haven't posted in a long time.

I know I'm in a bad situation. I just need to type it out.

My husband admitted to raping me yesterday. It's kind of a blur. It was supposed to be "make up sex" from this weekend, when he shoved me against the wall. He called me a ***** (not normal) and I got turned off so I told him to stop. I said no. Pushed back. He's bigger than me. He finished. I burst into tears. Not the first time? But definitely the first time he's admitted it, in a text message even. Everything else seemed so gray area before. idk. In June, he tore my anus so bad I couldn't sit for nearly a month. One time I thought he was taking pictures of me giving him a BJ (which was fine) but he was actually going through my phone. He's always been pretty rough - says it's because we're kinky. I've begged for softer sex but he forgets.

He left yesterday. Wants a divorce now. Hasn't checked in on me. Completely ignoring all of my messages except this morning to tell me everything I've ever done wrong in the relationship. I just want him to say he's sorry?

And I'm ****ing sad. And confused. And really, really scared. 

Do I press charges? Who is going to believe me? Is his text enough?

Someone please, just give a couple words of hope. I really need it.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I don't know what to say, but you have come to the right place. There are plenty of women here who will respond to your post in due time.. just have some patience. Most are very good at giving sound advice on what to do.. hang in there.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SimplyLost said:


> Hi. I've haven't posted in a long time.
> 
> I know I'm in a bad situation. I just need to type it out.
> 
> ...


You absolutely need to go to the police and fill out a written complaint. I am super glad if he actually gets a divorce from you and leaves but I wouldn't let him get away with what he's done if you have some proof of it. People just shouldn't be able to get away with that. It makes absolutely no difference that you're married. Rape is always illegal. Violence is always illegal.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m sorry to hear that. Did things improve from your first thread 10 years ago or does he still cheat? Are you still financially dependent on him?


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I’m sorry to hear that. Did things improve from your first thread 10 years ago or does he still cheat? Are you still financially dependent on him?


Different marriages. This one I dated for 4 years and we've only been married a month, literally tied the knot on August 1st. It's a total switch. I'm an idiot. This is his second marriage as well.

I make substantially more than this one. Well into six figures. No kids together. Just a lot of shame and embarrassment.

I worked so hard to get out of the first marriage. Got full custody of my kids. Make more money from home than I could ever dream of. Went to therapy. Did the hard work BEFORE I started dating. 

And I'm still staring a text that says, "I'm sorry I raped you." Yes, I enjoy rougher sex from time to time. I think that's why it was so hard to see the line before but yesterday? It's honestly a blur of colors when I think about it. But I know that I said no, and that he knew my body language. He just didn't stop.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SimplyLost said:


> Different marriages. This one I dated for 4 years and we've only been married a month, literally tied the knot on August 1st. It's a total switch. I'm an idiot. This is his second marriage as well.
> 
> I make substantially more than this one. Well into six figures. No kids together. Just a lot of shame and embarrassment.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you have the means to get out and stay out..


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Then you need to get out before it gets worse. Because it will.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And you’re lucky that round of anal that made it difficult for you to sit for a month didn’t land you in the ER with a serious infection. There’s rough sex and then there’s really, really rough sex. The kind that can do some serious damage. The kind he apparently likes. He’s not for you.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

File a police report in case he comes back for you. File for divorce and get a restraining order. That is just not acceptable. It’s a crime. He is a criminal, there is no love anywhere. You deserve a normal life, not this. Please be so careful.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Report him. Seek legal protection from him.


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

Will the text be enough? I have some bruises. But I showered. I’ve never done this before.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Oh my God. This is awful. 

Please get help and protect yourself and your children. I think you definitely should take the text evidence to the police!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Call 911 and ask for the team who deal with rape victims.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why are you so desperate to keep this piece of ****?

I'm sorry for what happened. Show the police the text and bruises.


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why are you so desperate to keep this piece of ****?
> 
> I'm sorry for what happened. Show the police the text and bruises.


Shame, but not desperate. I’m a good person. A good mom. Successful. Did the hard work to learn from my prior mistakes, with my first marriage and I am still here. There’s a lot of shame.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SimplyLost said:


> Shame, but not desperate. I’m a good person. A good mom. Successful. Did the hard work to learn from my prior mistakes, with my first marriage and I am still here. There’s a lot of shame.


Why? There's nothing to be ashamed of. We all make mistakes and you gain nothing from refusing to admit he's a mistake.

This guy turned out to be a scumbag.....he's not the first guy to conceal who he is until after the wedding.

Now that you know get rid of him and go on with a better life. It's far more shameful to stick around and accept abuse.....it takes strength to get out.

Sometimes we make what we think is a good decision and it turns out poorly. **** this guy and the horse he rode in on.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Only 30 days of marriage, go for an annulment and rape charges. You must act NOW.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SimplyLost said:


> Shame, but not desperate. I’m a good person. A good mom. Successful. Did the hard work to learn from my prior mistakes, with my first marriage and I am still here. There’s a lot of shame.


You picked the wrong guy. Many of us have done that — sometimes more than once (raises hand). But staying and hoping he’ll change isn’t the way to go. Very likely it will get worse with time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> You picked the wrong guy. Many of us have done that — sometimes more than once (raises hand). But staying and hoping he’ll change isn’t the way to go. Very likely it will get worse with time.


Right? The club of people who picked a poor partner is pretty freaking big. LOL


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Right? The club of people who picked a poor partner is pretty freaking big. LOL


I think it’s a super exclusive club called “Everyone.” 

Please. Call the police. Now.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Definitely go to the police. You were raped for God sake. You said it admitted it, so there’s the proof. 

And since he’s military, when word reaches his CO, he will be toast. But prison will be much worse.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SimplyLost said:


> Will the text be enough? I have some bruises. But I showered. I’ve never done this before.


Take photos of your bruises. If your rape is recent go ahead and let them do a rape kit. But whether or not you can prove the rape or not, you have some evidence and take pictures of your bruises and just don't let him get away with this.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

I'm so sorry this happened! As retired military I strongly urge you to go to the command legal and discuss this matter. You have admissable evidence with the message he sent to corroborate your accusations of rape. Also anal sex, unless a recent change, is punishable under the UCMJ under the laws of Sodomy. Under this law even oral sex is punishable.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And he doesn’t “forget”. He likes — really likes — sadistic sex. And now that the two of you are married he feels that he can do whatever he pleases (after all it isn’t him who’s getting hurt). It will escalate if you stay. Maybe one day he’ll get so carried away that he doesn’t stop with rape and bruises.


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

Thank you all. He responded tonight and is still saying it’s my fault. Everything I’ve ever done wrong in the relationship makes us even. To be fair, even breathing sometimes bugs him so idk.
Is it best to go straight to his command or the local police department? We actually live in separate states (thank god) as he finishes his contract to retirement.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well that's how abusers roll. It's always you who forces them to abuse.

Go straight to your local police and have them advise you.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Concur. Police. Not his CO. Please, now. He doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong. That means there’s no reason for him to ever stop.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh honey this is terrible! What on earth do you have to be ashamed of - NOTHING.

Go straight to the police and report this. You are a rape victim.

I'd be looking into getting the marriage annulled too.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

If it is this bad one month after the marriage, after not showing his true colors for 4 years, you must get out now! This will likely escalate. I have a friend whose sister was murdered by her husband not long into her marriage after incidents like you have described. You need to go to the police and let them advise you. Or, find a local women’s shelter (here we have one that specializes in rape/violence) and let them help you in next steps.

I am so sorry you are going through this!


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Definitely call the police...Protect the text message. Make sure it's entered into the rape complaint record with the police. Progression with this kind of sexual behavior/ abuse is real and it will escalate . Next time he may kill you.

Call a rape crisis hotline where you live. Get à restraining order immediately keep your children safe

Very sorry , I will pray for you
Jimi


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

SimplyLost said:


> Thank you all. He responded tonight and is still saying it’s my fault. Everything I’ve ever done wrong in the relationship makes us even. To be fair, even breathing sometimes bugs him so idk.
> Is it best to go straight to his command or the local police department? We actually live in separate states (thank god) as he finishes his contract to retirement.


@SimplyLost ,

I'm not going to tell you what to do because you are in control of what you want in your life. Okay? You get to decide that, because you have all that power to decide for YOU. 

Here's what I will do. I will refer you to RAINN which is the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN | The nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization) I know it's super scary, but I would suggest you give them a call on the hotline because they specialize in helping people in this situation. They will know how to talk to you to help you decide. They'll know who to refer you to for the laws in your state. They will have some folks who know about military law. They will support you in whatever you decide. 

Not everyone goes to the doctor. I didn't. Not everyone goes to the police or wants to go through a rape trial. I didn't. I admit it, I was a chicken, but I didn't want to keep reliving it over and over again.

But since I had no one to support me and encourage me and help me along...I didn't know what to do or what was wise. Here's my wise suggestions for you: 
1) I'd take photos of any bruises or just anything that might be relevant. Take the pictures now while it's visible and just be neutral about it. If it's needed, cool ya got it--and if it's not ever needed, then no harm-no foul! Do that tonight.
2) Print or store the text and all texts afterward blaming you, and put them in a safe place. By that, I mean in a safety deposit box or off premises so no one but you can get to them. Store them tonight on the cloud, print them tonight and hide them...and tomorrow take them to somewhere safe. 
3) Go to the doctor. I know this is SUPER embarrassing but you may have been hurt, and what's funny is that when someone has had something traumatic happen, they kind of feel numb and don't notice the injury at first. Even if you say it's for a "checkup" go, and have a medical professional look you over a bit and do a test for STD. Just be sure you are okay--and if you're not, get medical help. Make this appointment tomorrow, and if it'll work, you could go to an urgent care clinic.
4) Figure out one or two close friends--probably female friends--who will be supportive and encouraging. They don't have to be Pollyanna, but if you're scared, these couple of friends will be your safety net. If things get weird, they'll have your back. Might be friends--might be sisters--might be a counselor--might be people from church, but find your support group. Do this tonight and tomorrow. 
5) Call the RAINN hotline. Again, I know this is SUPER scary but there will be someone on the other end of that phone who cares about you, can help, and has experience and knowledge. If nothing else, you won't be alone and it will help to have someone walk you though possibilities and what to decide and when. Do this as soon as you can.
6) In the military there are resources for sexually assaulted spouses. Sexual Assault Resources for Military Spouses Here's the thing to consider: you can talk to the SARC for your installation, and you can choose restricted reporting (which means anonymous) or you can choose unrestricted reporting (which alerts the commander and starts an investigation). You can also start off restricted and then change it to filing unrestricted...but once it's unrestricted it is public to the command so you can't go back. Here's the main thing: YOU decide what is best for YOU. Don't let us take that power from you and don't feel intimidated by anyone telling you what to do. You choose the path that results in the best outcome for you. 

If you'd like to talk more, I'd be willing to speak in Private Message personally. And @SimplyLost I am so sorry this happened to you. You are a strong, smart woman and you didn't deserve this.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

[threadjack]

I'd like to just comment on something. Many people here say to "go to the police and report it." But I want to make something clear. To a rape victim, that would mean reliving it in horrible detail to a strange person--possible a strange male person--not in a safe place like "home" but in a strange place like a police station. That would mean gather evidence, which means they have to be all vulnerable again and let still more strangers poke and prod where there has already been hurt and maybe injury. That would also mean dealing with the evidence being lost or delayed in processing for up to a year. That would also mean dealing with a legal person "on her side" that may decide there's not enough evidence to pursue the case or may decide it's only some lower charge. That would also mean dealing with a legal person "on his side" who's trying to free their client by making HER sound like the one with questionable character or morals. That would also mean just as the trauma subsides and healing is beginning, having to relive it all again, in front of a judge and two fighting lawyers and her rapist and 12 strangers PLUS whoever else just wanders into the courtroom that day!

"Going to the police" sounds like the right thing to do. It does! You report a crime! But in REAL LIFE it may not be what is best for the victim. And since rape is very literally all about POWER and not about sex at all...I would use this threadjack to say that actually the best thing for someone who's been raped is to give them back the power to decide for themselves what is best. You have a fire in your belly to get that rapist? GO GIRL. I'll go to the cops with you! You feel to raw and hurt and broken to even try to remember it? You want to go to the doctor, come home, have tea, and put some new locks on the door? I'll go with you--Lowes or Home Depot? 

[/small threadjack]


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> [threadjack]
> 
> I'd like to just comment on something. Many people here say to "go to the police and report it." But I want to make something clear. To a rape victim, that would mean reliving it in horrible detail to a strange person--possible a strange male person--not in a safe place like "home" but in a strange place like a police station. That would mean gather evidence, which means they have to be all vulnerable again and let still more strangers poke and prod where there has already been hurt and maybe injury. That would also mean dealing with the evidence being lost or delayed in processing for up to a year. That would also mean dealing with a legal person "on her side" that may decide there's not enough evidence to pursue the case or may decide it's only some lower charge. That would also mean dealing with a legal person "on his side" who's trying to free their client by making HER sound like the one with questionable character or morals. That would also mean just as the trauma subsides and healing is beginning, having to relive it all again, in front of a judge and two fighting lawyers and her rapist and 12 strangers PLUS whoever else just wanders into the courtroom that day!
> 
> ...


both your posts is exactly what I was thinking 

ONE SIDE OF ME WANTS TO SEE THIS MAN pay for his crime and protect all other women , 
honestly I would be up for castrating all men that rape 

the other side of me knows how hard it can be to prove it , and I am not in the USA so don't know what is the norm


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The time he tore your anus, was that also rape? Or did you consent to anal sex?

From what you said you were having consensual sex but you changed your mind half way through because of something he called you? Is that right? 
If that is the case that will be really hard for the police to prove. Sorry but it will. 


Personally I would get out of the marriage and not put myself through his rough sex any more. If you don't like really rough sex, and who can blame you, he was never the man for you. 

Not sure I would put myself through the awful process of accusing him of rape when it will be really hard to get a conviction.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> From what you said you were having consensual sex but you changed your mind half way through because of something he called you? Is that right?
> If that is the case that will be really hard for the police to prove. Sorry but it will.


 very true all depends on if she wants to let him get away with it or take the pain and put it down to a bad experience, 

the worst part is if she goes through the police and then a court case, and even after all that what do married men normally get in this type case?


Diana7 said:


> Not sure I would put myself through the awful process of accusing him of rape when it will be really hard to get a conviction.


I was going to say the same in my post but wish to let that up to the op to make her mind up as to if it is worth it


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I woke up thinking of a young woman I vaguely knew. A friend of hers was into kinky sex.

I attended a police press conference when her body was found. He had killed her by accident.

The **** is in jail for life.

Please don't allow yourself to be a victim of your husband's need for sadistic, violent sex.


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> The time he tore your anus, was that also rape? Or did you consent to anal sex?
> 
> From what you said you were having consensual sex but you changed your mind half way through because of something he called you? Is that right?
> If that is the case that will be really hard for the police to prove. Sorry but it will.
> ...


i told him he was being too rough during and tried to move away but I didn’t say no. He didn’t use lube and he hardly ever warms me up anymore.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Please do not delay


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SimplyLost said:


> i told him he was being too rough during and tried to move away but I didn’t say no. He didn’t use lube and he hardly ever warms me up anymore.


Its sad that you felt you should marry such a guy who clearly likes sex that is far too rough. Did you think twice about marrying him when he was so disrespectful and unloving in sex?
That would have put me completely off a man who acted that way.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Its sad that you felt you should marry such a guy who clearly likes sex that is far too rough. Did you think twice about marrying him when he was so disrespectful and unloving in sex?
> That would have put me completely off a man who acted that way.


this seems out of place , we are not here to judge why she married him after the too rough anal sex , 
the question is about they are newly wed and he did not stop when asked to , I don't care if she was 100% turned on before he called her X , once he called her X and it turned her off he should have stopped and if she 10 min later wanted to try again after they talked about why she does not like that name, 
this has nothing to do with other things from the past , for me it is 100% rape and she would be right to call the police , if she has not by now , it is sad but I understand 

1 in every 2 women is raped at some time in their life the stats tell us but there is no stats on how many men rape women , I don't know why 

but going on the stats half of the women here was raped once , so some of the men on here would all so have raped a woman once


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Its sad that you felt you should marry such a guy who clearly likes sex that is far too rough. Did you think twice about marrying him when he was so disrespectful and unloving in sex?
> That would have put me completely off a man who acted that way.


He hid that side of him until the ink dried on the wedding certificate.

When her felt able to show his true, nasty self.


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

I've decided to file a restricted report with his base SARC. I called the 24/7 hotline but left a message. It's a very small base (less than 500 members stationed) so I'm not surprised that it's not truly 24/7. I worry about filing an actual police report - it was consensual in the beginning but after he called me a b*itch, I was over it, and asked him to stop. I know I said no, repeatedly, I know I was trying to get away and yelling. I know that it wasn't right and so did he.

He is way too rough with sex. It's been brought up in repeated conversations. I'm not vanilla by any means, but I'm not into pain either. I'm not sure why allowed it prior. He always had a good excuse and I didn't want to argue. Idk. 

I'm also finding the paperwork to start divorce proceedings. We thankfully haven't had time to have joint property but his name is on my lease and we hold a mortgage application together for a $1.1MM home build. I have no idea how to get out of that one and to get the 5% deposit back.

I am wholly embarrassed about my situation. I worry about the effects on my kids - seeing their mom in two failed marriages - but I woke up this morning and re-read our texts over the last two days. There isn't a single ounce of remorse or worry about my mental state or well-being. It's just about everything I've done wrong in our relationship (honest reactions out of things he's done to me, so it doesn't make sense really) and how he wants to just be done - that it's not worth it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> this seems out of place , we are not here to judge why she married him after the too rough anal sex ,
> the question is about they are newly wed and he did not stop when asked to , I don't care if she was 100% turned on before he called her X , once he called her X and it turned her off he should have stopped and if she 10 min later wanted to try again after they talked about why she does not like that name,
> this has nothing to do with other things from the past , for me it is 100% rape and she would be right to call the police , if she has not by now , it is sad but I understand
> 
> ...


It may help her in the future if she lets herself understand and learn why she would so recently marry a guy who had been so rough with her before marriage that her anus was torn plus I am sure many other similar occasions before they married. She may need help to examine why that is so that if she dates and marries again she wont make the same mistakes a third time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SimplyLost said:


> I've decided to file a restricted report with his base SARC. I called the 24/7 hotline but left a message. It's a very small base (less than 500 members stationed) so I'm not surprised that it's not truly 24/7. I worry about filing an actual police report - it was consensual in the beginning but after he called me a b*itch, I was over it, and asked him to stop. I know I said no, repeatedly, I know I was trying to get away and yelling. I know that it wasn't right and so did he.
> 
> He is way too rough with sex. It's been brought up in repeated conversations. I'm not vanilla by any means, but I'm not into pain either.
> 
> ...


You have done the right thing by beginning the ending of the marriage. 
Please be aware of red flags if you ever date or marry again. 

Some people apparently love dirty talk in sex, I don't and you clearly don't. He should know that if you have talked about it before. 
You don't have to do anal sex or anything else you don't want to do, never let anyone talk you into or pressure you into something you don't want to do or that is painful for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> He hid that side of him until the ink dried on the wedding certificate.
> 
> When her felt able to show his true, nasty self.


They have only been married 4 weeks, it was happening way before like the time he tore her anus.


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> You have done the right thing by beginning the ending of the marriage.
> Please be aware of red flags if you ever date or marry again.
> 
> Some people apparently love dirty talk in sex, I don't and you clearly don't. He should know that if you have talked about it before.
> You don't have to do anal sex or anything else you don't want to do, never let anyone talk you into or pressure you into something you don't want to do or that is painful for you.


I appreciate it. I do enjoy dirty talk, but the word b*tch is not one of our words. Especially during, what I thought, was to be make up sex after an argument. He was upset about something that morning, not related to me, and took it out on me. Anal sex or not is also not my problem. Proper lube and going gently with your partner is. He said "he forgot." Hence why I called it a gray area.

But Tuesday afternoon, this week, is not gray to me. I know what happened. My body knows what happened. It's just trying to get my head and emotions straight in order to move forward with what I know needs to happen. And it turns out, it's really, really hard to do so. So hard, that instead of reaching out to loved ones and friends, I turned to strangers on the internet. Knowing that I would be judged for my choices in men. But I really needed the help and the push to keep going.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Keep the text message. Go talk to a rape crisis counselor. Think about what you want to do. If he's military, the UCMJ should help you. Talk to a JAG & some MPs but save that text.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SimplyLost said:


> I appreciate it. I do enjoy dirty talk, but the word b*tch is not one of our words. Especially during, what I thought, was to be make up sex after an argument. He was upset about something that morning, not related to me, and took it out on me. Anal sex or not is also not my problem. Proper lube and going gently with your partner is. He said "he forgot." Hence why I called it a gray area.
> 
> But Tuesday afternoon, this week, is not gray to me. I know what happened. My body knows what happened. It's just trying to get my head and emotions straight in order to move forward with what I know needs to happen. And it turns out, it's really, really hard to do so. So hard, that instead of reaching out to loved ones and friends, I turned to strangers on the internet. Knowing that I would be judged for my choices in men. But I really needed the help and the push to keep going.


The important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and make better choices in the future. Hopefully you are able to see now that there were red flags before you married him. Him ignoring your pain and lines being crossed. 

After my long first marriage ended I was far far more aware of the sort of guy I wanted and my criteria was very strict. So strict that I wasn't sure I would ever marry again.

Never settle for second best please.

Whatever decision you make I hope it works out for you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It's always good to see a woman finally recognizing her worth and dumping the abusive piece of **** who *chose* not to.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Here is what a lot of people in your situation don’t quite grasp - The reason to report this now is not for what he has done to you, but for what he is GOING TO DO in the future.

He likely will not not be convicted of any crime for this past event.

But people like this are bad people and he is going to harass, stalk, threaten and likely assault you going forward. 

By having this past incident documented and investigated, it will part of a larger case and show a pattern behavior and further evidence so when he harms you in the future, it will all add up to help you in getting the protection and assistance you will need going forward.

This is NOT over and he will not transform into a decent person after this past incident. He is going to harass and harm you more in the future if you don’t start taking action each and every time he does something. 

Any one specific incident will likely not result in any definitive action until you get hospitalized.

But if there is documentation of a pattern of events, the authorities will have a chain of evidence and pattern of documented behavior.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Look at it this way — better your children know that you have had two marriages that didn’t work than they know their mom’s husband put her in the hospital (or worse). Most of us have misjudged who someone really is. I certainly have. What’s important is what you do with that information. I ended a very long marriage and an engagement over it. Turns out my ex-husband and ex-fiancée were very much alike. I never would have guessed that but there it was. I moved on and you will too.

ETA: Abusers always say they “forgot”. They don’t. But they hope their victims do.


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

I have a protective order now and report filed. Family knows. It’s been a rough morning.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SimplyLost said:


> I have a protective order now and report filed. Family knows. It’s been a rough morning.


Is that a police report filed?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

https://www.emdenlaw.com/faqs/protective-orders/#PR2


i think this might be help


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Is that a police report filed?


yes. full statement, photos and copies of the text messages.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SimplyLost said:


> yes. full statement, photos and copies of the text messages.


So he will be arrested now?


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> So he will be arrested now?


I didn’t ask about what’s next, honestly. An investigation at least. I asked if I could legally change the locks. The rest is hazy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know that wasn’t easy but it was the right move. Does he know yet?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SimplyLost said:


> I didn’t ask about what’s next, honestly. An investigation at least. I asked if I could legally change the locks. The rest is hazy.


Be careful here. You need to take extra protection. If he's anywhere prone to violence he might get mad enough to come after you. Check what you can do in your environment to be safe in the eventuality he comes after you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SimplyLost said:


> I've decided to file a restricted report with his base SARC. I called the 24/7 hotline but left a message. It's a very small base (less than 500 members stationed) so I'm not surprised that it's not truly 24/7. I worry about filing an actual police report - it was consensual in the beginning but after he called me a b*itch, I was over it, and asked him to stop. I know I said no, repeatedly, I know I was trying to get away and yelling. I know that it wasn't right and so did he.
> 
> He is way too rough with sex. It's been brought up in repeated conversations. I'm not vanilla by any means, but I'm not into pain either. I'm not sure why allowed it prior. He always had a good excuse and I didn't want to argue. Idk.
> 
> ...


I know someone whose husband just joined the Navy right before they married, knew him 3 years. She had friends and family until they moved right after marrying to the naval base and he waited until he had her away from her support friends and family and started hitting her. She came home the same night and got divorced, and she did report him and he was diagnosed by the Navy sociopathic and put in prison for some amount of time. He had stalked her back to her town after she left.


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I know that wasn’t easy but it was the right move. Does he know yet?


He does. He's the 1stSGT at the base and the alert came through with his name on it. He called me and asked. Haven't heard from him since.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SimplyLost said:


> He does. He's the 1stSGT at the base and the alert came through with his name on it. He called me and asked. Haven't heard from him since.


Be careful. Really careful. Don’t trust anything he says and most of all don’t meet with him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SimplyLost said:


> I have a protective order now and report filed. Family knows. It’s been a rough morning.





Diana7 said:


> So he will be arrested now?


You did the right thing by reporting it and obtaining a protection order.

While he may or may not be charged with any offense with this one particular incident, this does a couple very important things.

One is it provides you a measure of legal protection in that if he comes around and violates the protection order- he WILL have action taken against him. 

Also it sends a message to him that you will not tolerate further threats or offenses and that there will be consequences if he does so.

And also as I stated earlier, the likelihood that he will harass, stalk, threaten and perhaps even assault you is very high and this provides documentation and shows a pattern of past behavior should he commit another offense. 

It is actually difficult to obtain an actual conviction of domestic assault without eyewitness testimony and very specific testimony of expert medical witnesses (bruises often aren’t enough as bruises can come from other things)

The reason a lot of victims do not report individual offenses is a single offense rarely results in any definitive legal action unless it is a very severe bodily injury. 

However if each single event is reported and documented, it will show a pattern of behavior that eventually there will be a straw that breaks the camels back and the court will take definitive action.

So It is critical to report and document ALL incidents even though one individual event would likely not result in any kind of charges or conviction.

These things will ALWAYS escalate if strong action is not taken immediately and consistently each and every time.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Be careful here. You need to take extra protection. If he's anywhere prone to violence he might get mad enough to come after you. Check what you can do in your environment to be safe in the eventuality he comes after you.


I sense a transfer in this guy's future to another base or overseas. 

Out of the limelight.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Please don’t stay alone. Maybe think of staying with family or a friend for a while. Or have someone stay with you, if possible. He sounds potentially dangerous and you just don’t know how he may be, now that he’s been exposed.

Prayers going out to you.


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I know someone whose husband just joined the Navy right before they married, knew him 3 years. She had friends and family until they moved right after marrying to the naval base and he waited until he had her away from her support friends and family and started hitting her. She came home the same night and got divorced, and she did report him and he was diagnosed by the Navy sociopathic and put in prison for some amount of time. He had stalked her back to her town after she left.


We actually don't live together. I live in one state and he's in the state above me, stationed there, as he finishes his contract. 19 months from retirement. He drives about 3.5 hours every weekend to be with us and it's about 50% of the month. His name is on my rental lease though, as I sold my home (that I owned) earlier this year to have money for our home build contract. I nearly did move to be with him for those last few months and move back here together when our home was done, but I am so glad I didn't. I am so glad I'm not in another state, away from my family, and this is happening.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SimplyLost said:


> We actually don't live together. I live in one state and he's in the state above me, stationed there, as he finishes his contract. 19 months from retirement. He drives about 3.5 hours every weekend to be with us and it's about 50% of the month. His name is on my rental lease though, as I sold my home (that I owned) earlier this year to have money for our home build contract. I nearly did move to be with him for those last few months and move back here together when our home was done, but I am so glad I didn't. I am so glad I'm not in another state, away from my family, and this is happening.


Yes. You would have been in a pickle. How long left on the lease? You should go ahead and give landlord written notice that when lease is up, you want no longer to be on it, and if you tell landlord why, they might let you out of it.


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes. You would have been in a pickle. How long left on the lease? You should go ahead and give landlord written notice that when lease is up, you want no longer to be on it, and if you tell landlord why, they might let you out of it.


The sales guy for the home build is actually looking to see if I can switch our deposit (~$50k) to something with just my name on it if he'll sign it over and then I can do something else with the money or pick another house. Idk if he will. The threat of his career may be enough to let me go. 

But otherwise, here until May. lol.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

SimplyLost said:


> I have a protective order now and report filed. Family knows. It’s been a rough morning.


@SimplyLost ,

You are so brave, I'm teary-eyed. I am so proud of you. *Wow*. You're so strong! 

So you filed a restricted SARC report, filed for a protective order, filed a police report, got info on starting divorce, told some family members...Good HEAVENS, girl!

It's my hope that he'll just annul this thing and let you go on your way and him go on his. I'm sure some doo-doo will hit the oscelator on base, and if he's motivated to keep his retirement he'll just behave and let you go. That's not always the military mind-set though, so I'm glad you have a PO and family to support you. The lease and the downpayment and the mortgage--that stuff can all be worked out in divorce court if you have to. 

Now I'd say look back on this day with pride. It was a ROUGH day and you stood up for yourself like a boss. Keep valuing yourself like that!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

What a nightmare! I don't have any advice for you SimplyLost, just wanted to chime in with support. You did the right thing. Don't worry about the embarrassment; people who care about you will simply be happy for your safety and well-being. Stay strong!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Here is what a lot of people in your situation don’t quite grasp - The reason to report this now is not for what he has done to you, but for what he is GOING TO DO in the future.
> 
> He likely will not not be convicted of any crime for this past event.
> 
> ...


We had a very high profile murder of an 8 year old girl here in ne Florida a numbrr of years ago....Cherish Perrywinkle. The scumbag pedophile that did it had a history of posing as a cps worker and had already done prison time for harassing little girls.

I seem to recall that he'd harassed another girl not long before Cherish but it wasn't reported because the girl's mother said she didn't want her daughter to have to suffer through testifying. After the murder she said she had tremendous guilt knowing that they might have been able to lock him up and Cherish would be alive.

It's our civic duty to report criminals lest they do it again. I'm the victim of csa at the hands of a family member and we eventually reported him to the police. He'd been molesting other little girls too so who knows what we might have prevented if we'd done it sooner. Unfortunately another family was hiding it and I was a little kid.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You did the right thing so hold your head high.

One thing you might have going for you here is that his name is now on record so if anything happens to you they'll go straight to him. With his retirement coming, and 1Sgt is a nice retirement income, he may be extra cautious. Play hardball with this scumbag because you have leverage here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> We had a very high profile murder of an 8 year old girl here in ne Florida a numbrr of years ago....Cherish Perrywinkle. The scumbag pedophile that did it had a history of posing as a cps worker and had already done prison time for harassing little girls.
> 
> I seem to recall that he'd harassed another girl not long before Cherish but it wasn't reported because the girl's mother said she didn't want her daughter to have to suffer through testifying. After the murder she said she had tremendous guilt knowing that they might have been able to lock him up and Cherish would be alive.
> 
> It's our civic duty to report criminals lest they do it again. I'm the victim of csa at the hands of a family member and we eventually reported him to the police. He'd been molesting other little girls too so who knows what we might have prevented if we'd done it sooner. Unfortunately another family was hiding it and I was a little kid.


That is all very true and another good reason to take action.

My point however is a lot of people won’t report relatively “minor” incidents because they believe that those minor incidents won’t result in definitive legal action in they do report.

While it may be true that a relatively minor thing won’t result in a criminal conviction or other serious legal actions, what is key her though is creating a paper trail and chain of evidence and documentation of a pattern of threatening behavior. 

The role of the victim or any witness is not to secure prosecution but to report and provide testimony so that those who are in charge of serving legal actions will have the evidence and documentation they need in order to take action.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SimplyLost said:


> I appreciate it. I do enjoy dirty talk, but the word b*tch is not one of our words. Especially during, what I thought, was to be make up sex after an argument. He was upset about something that morning, not related to me, and took it out on me. Anal sex or not is also not my problem. Proper lube and going gently with your partner is. He said "he forgot." Hence why I called it a gray area.
> 
> But Tuesday afternoon, this week, is not gray to me. I know what happened. My body knows what happened. It's just trying to get my head and emotions straight in order to move forward with what I know needs to happen. And it turns out, it's really, really hard to do so. So hard, that instead of reaching out to loved ones and friends, I turned to strangers on the internet. Knowing that I would be judged for my choices in men. But I really needed the help and the push to keep going.


He didn't forget about the no lube -- he wanted to do that. As for proving that he raped you -- you have him ADMITTING this in his text. I would certainly go to the police.

ETA: Sorry just caught up -- GREAT that you also went to the police...


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

I am so proud of you!! I can’t imagine how difficult all of that was to do. You are a courageous, strong woman!


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why would you call this piece of ****? Who cares if he threatens suicide? Classic manipulatiom tactic and you went right for it.

My sister just tried this to strong arm us into bailing her out of jail. We said no and somehow she's still alive.

Do. Not. Call. Him. He is your enemy and not your problem. Cmon...dude raped you and somehow you're chasing him begging him to talk to you? You're heartbroken? You need serious counseling to help with this codependency.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it’s abuse. Call 911 if he does that again and report it. But don’t engage with him. He’s manipulating you. Once he gets taken in for a mental evaluation on a three-day psych hold he may not play that game again.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SimplyLost said:


> He threatened suicide tonight. In a text message so I called him to make sure he was ok, and I could hear him playing with something metal in the background. I asked him to please stop scaring me and that it would be ok, it was going to be ok. I called the local sheriffs office to check on him. Then his Captain.
> 
> Called my husband back to make sure he was ok until someone got there and he was playing like there was no reason and I was crazy. He’s pissed. Saying I ruined his life and has me blocked on everything now.
> 
> ...


You did exactly the right thing by calling the police.

If he was actually suicidal, then you may have saved his life by getting him the attention and treatment he needs.

If he was just trying to manipulate you (which 99% chance he was) then he learned a lesson that you won’t cave in and cater to him and that his games will cost him.

You did 100% the right thing.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

SimplyLost said:


> .


you did the right thing


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Your husband sounds like an extremely dangerous person. He's raped and abused you many times I'm assuming. His version of sex is to treat you like a POS in the bedroom and make you submit. This is not sex its about control. Be lucky he didn't kill you. Break all contact !


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Threatening suicide us a manipulation tactic. I had that used on me by my ex which was especially cruel as I had a very close family member take their own life.
You did the right thing by reporting it and getting them to check on him. Hopefully he won't do that again. If it was genuine then it was good they went round to check. 

As others have said don't talk to him or engage.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I know this will be an unpopular opinion, but after what he's done, if he offs himself, that'll solve your problem.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TXTrini said:


> I know this will be an unpopular opinion, but after what he's done, if he offs himself, that'll solve your problem.


It's not popular, not to me anyway.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> I know this will be an unpopular opinion, but after what he's done, if he offs himself, that'll solve your problem.


I have little sympathy for a man that anal rapes his wife. Karma is a *****


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Look at it this way — better your children know that you have had two marriages that didn’t work than they know their mom’s husband put her in the hospital (or worse). Most of us have misjudged who someone really is. I certainly have. What’s important is what you do with that information. I ended a very long marriage and an engagement over it. Turns out my ex-husband and ex-fiancée were very much alike. I never would have guessed that but there it was. I moved on and you will too.
> 
> ETA: Abusers always say they “forgot”. They don’t. But they hope their victims do.


The good message for the children is that you don't put up with abuse and that there are consequences for abuse. That is proper role modeling. Very important, whether it's sons or daughters.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why would you call this piece of ****? Who cares if he threatens suicide? Classic manipulatiom tactic and you went right for it.
> 
> My sister just tried this to strong arm us into bailing her out of jail. We said no and somehow she's still alive.
> 
> Do. Not. Call. Him. He is your enemy and not your problem. Cmon...dude raped you and somehow you're chasing him begging him to talk to you? You're heartbroken? You need serious counseling to help with this codependency.


That's right. Don't even take calls from him. You have an RO now, right, or is it just in process? Report him if he contacts you. He's not supposed to. 

Suicide threats are just BS. The ONLY thing to do when someone does it is call the police and give the location if you know it. Whether it's fake or real. If it's fake, it will keep them from doing it again knowing the police will come knocking. It breaks the RO. 

Also, beware because a lot of violent men don't just do suicide, they do murder/suicide. So you don't want to give any ground on this and just report it immediately for you and your family's safety.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Violent people tend to only feel sorry for themselves, but they feel VERY sorry for themselves, that's for sure. Please don't talk to him anymore. Be sure you know the terms of the RO thoroughly. Report any breach of it to police or whoever you're dealing with now. 

Him threatening suicide might get him locked up for mental eval by the military. That wouldn't be a bad thing.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I sense a transfer in this guy's future to another base or overseas.
> 
> Out of the limelight.


Yeah it's called Ft. Leavenworth, Ks.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

@SimplyLost - how are you doing?


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## SimplyLost (Oct 23, 2012)

Coloratura said:


> @SimplyLost - how are you doing?


I’m ok. Yo-yoing between being ok to crying and then being back in denial. I’ve started therapy again. Trying to figure out the next move. I’ve separated money out. Cleaned my house. Grocery shopped. It all feels very disjointed though, like I’m watching.

I called his ex wife. He has kids with her who I love and it’s sad to me that I may never see them again. She confirmed some things but didn’t outright say them. 


idk. Yeah. It’s been a long weekend.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Miss, you don't ever have to apologize for your feelings. They are yours and valid and have value, just like YOU! no person should ever have to endure what you have...regardless! Do right by yourself and your children. Don't worry about material things and safe yourself and children


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@SimplyLost, I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time of it.

The fact that you filed a report and got a restraining order shows that you have strength and courage. Calling 911 when he was threatening suicide was brilliant. Most people cannot bring themselves do it, but you made that call. Good for you. That shows him that he can't play with you anymore and it continues to develop the case against him.

Hopefully you can have your marriage annulled. That may help your case with the home build.

You should be able to transfer the money that you already put down for the home build. Have you already purchased a lot? If so, you might want to consider selling it and building elsewhere, so you are more difficult to find.

I recommend that you call the number that @Affaircare gave you, in this post: Wait. What. . This time period is very dangerous for you. It may now be sinking in that your husband is a violent man. It is time to seek resources to help keep you safe. My alarm bells are going off. A restraining order is good, but a person bend on violence does not care about them. If he feels that his career and life is over, he may seek to take you with him. I’m not being paranoid. This is a real possibility that you should immediately prepare for. Seek help from a group that knows what you should do to protect yourself.

Please stay in touch here, so we know you are okay.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> @SimplyLost, I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time of it.
> 
> The fact that you filed a report and got a restraining order shows that you have strength and courage. Calling 911 when he was threatening suicide was brilliant. Most people cannot bring themselves do it, but you made that call. Good for you. That shows him that he can't play with you anymore and it continues to develop the case against him.
> 
> ...


My alarm bells are also going off. I hope she is ok.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Remember, good days are ahead now and every day above the dirt is a good day! You're a survivor and strong! Be proud of yourself for you and your children. Lots of love and peace to you.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

@SimplyLost 

Hope you're doing ok.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SimplyLost said:


> I’m ok. Yo-yoing between being ok to crying and then being back in denial. I’ve started therapy again. Trying to figure out the next move. I’ve separated money out. Cleaned my house. Grocery shopped. It all feels very disjointed though, like I’m watching.
> 
> I called his ex wife. He has kids with her who I love and it’s sad to me that I may never see them again. She confirmed some things but didn’t outright say them.
> 
> ...


Being in denial is very common in abusive relationships. The cycle of abuse involves denial...and the victim often blaming themselves. Hang in there, you will grow stronger as time goes on and you are free of him.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

.


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