# am i being a horrible wife?



## thywillbcuffed (Apr 30, 2010)

Hello. I am new to this forum and just want to clear up my name. I'm not a freak---just in law enforcement. LOL
I'm 29, he's 27.
Anyways, my husband and I are near divorce after 14 months of marriage. Mainly because for the entire marriage I have been the only one working and paying all the bills. I have to ask him to clean up and do the dishes the 12 hours I am at work. He's never satisfied no matter how many times I take him out to dinner. 
He gets an unemployment check of $360 a week and got angry because I asked him to pay $20 for power, $20 for utilities, $80 for cable, and $53 for gas. He says that I make enough money to pay these bills and he would like to be able to buy the things he wants. I am buying a new house and he doesnt want to help with anything. He is blaming the economy bc he is in construction but why is it that many husbands I know are taking work ANYWHERE they can? 
He sits and looks for video games he can buy all day. Gets mad it me because I won't go hang out with him at bars all day. I HATE THAT. I called all kinds of jobs for him, offer to create an awesome resume for him, etc. He puts it all down and keeps saying "YOU ARE DELUSIONAL! NO ONE IS HIRING!"
I used to be a chef and cook amazing dinners for him so that we can save money and he buys WENDY's and JACK N THE BOX instead. I'm contemplating about living in my 4 bedroom house alone because thats how I feel--even when he is there. Am I OVERREACTING and should be patient thru the recession? Something tells me even if it were over he'd have an excuse. I work 12 hours day, have sex with him atleast 5-6 times a week, cook, clean, and give him space. Why does he still complain?


----------



## Red_Riding_Hood (Apr 28, 2010)

I know this isn't really advice but I just wanted to say that you sound like an AMAZING wife and that husband of yours sounds SO ungrateful! I hope you don't really think you're a horrible wife! 

As far as him not wanting you to help with his resume etc., it sounds to me like he's getting just a little too comfortable being a "kept man" and that's very unfair to you!


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

thywillbcuffed said:


> Hello. I am new to this forum and just want to clear up my name. I'm not a freak---just in law enforcement. LOL


What? You have a problem with Freaks? :rofl: :scratchhead: Actually, I'm not a freak..I just like the band Korn. 

Your husband is a bum and you are enabling his behavior. I'd cut him off completely. Let him pay his own bills. Treat him like a roommate. He treats you like a maid so why not? Get a separate account and keep YOUR money there and let him keep his money. He will have to buy his own food. Get a separate fridge and put a lock on it. I'm dead serious. I would NEVER put up with this crap from him. And MAKE SURE you put that house in YOUR name!

When he decides to act like a partner in a marriage then you talk. But only when HE comes around. 

Right now he's got a good life living off the government and you, why should he change? 

Oh, and the recession might end but do you think this won't happen again? Think again. You'll have other stresses and other problems and THIS is how he'll act. Do you really want that? You might want to give some real thought into whether or not you want to stay married to this guy.

If you are thinking of divorce then do NOT buy this house just yet. He will be legally entitled to half of your marriage assets so you don't want any! Consult with a good lawyer before you do anything. You might even find yourself having to pay HIM spousal support so be prepared....


----------



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

You are not being a horrible wife, He is being lazy and mooching off you.

Get the want adds from the paper and walk through the same room and say something like "These people looking to hire someone must be delusional." Ok don't really say that, would probably start a fight, but you get the idea.

Summer is here, he could start a business if he wants to, landscaping, handyman, there are lots of things he could do to bring in more than $360 a week. People are always wanting painting outside and stuff like that done.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

why did you say "I am buying a new house?" sounds like in your mind you have already moved on from this partnership, not that i blame you given the information provided.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> Why does he still complain?


The real question should be why on earth would you want to stay married to such a selfish, ungrateful, USER bum?


----------



## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

At that age, and barring severe circumstances to make some great leaps in thought, most men identify what they do for a living with who they are. He didn't just a lose a job, he lost his identity. There may be some profound depression involved. It sounds to me like he also lost the sense of the contract of partnership when the terms changed too, and you'll have to ask him what he thinks that partnership is, being as non-confrontational as possible. He had to fulfill that role in some way before, otherwise you wouldn't have married him. 

Maybe he did that before with a large chunk of his salary and feels his own is inadequate to do it with now, or did that with fixing things, and yadda. Sometimes you can get people to come around by asking them how they dealt with those things in the past. "What did you think your biggest contributions were?" The more you can get him to do the things he did in the past (or I hope he did), the more he'll start to lose that paralysis. 

You aren't alone in that. Where I am at the unemployment rate is affecting about every other home on my block. I've seen good people go from never having missed a day of work, to not being able to find it for a year straight. I've seen for sale signs, short sale notices, and even foreclosures. I haven't seen it like this since the 6-7 month period after 9/11 combined with the tech crash. Tons of people got caught without a viable plan B, or were too paralyzed to come up with one. The ones that stayed paralyzed are generally the ones with the foreclosure signs, but not always. Many of those who took those quick to get jobs ended up with incomes inadequate to meet their true needs, and might have done better using that time to retrain, or find a different career. Its pretty hard for people to justify $40 more a month than unemployment for a big chunk of time. 

If he built housing for a living, he needs to face the facts that he isn't likely going back to that any time soon. You may have to spell it out for him. (It sounds like this is one of those cases...) Its time or a lateral move, or even a different line of work, and the resulting pay cuts that may(probably will) come with it in the short term. Unemployment eventually runs out, and it can't be that far off that it will. 

It will still likely be harder for him to find a job than it was for him in the past. Its time to start talking to him about what else he would like to do, could do, and to build him up a little bit that he can do more than whatever he has done in the past. 

Some of the responses here remind me why partner selection is so incredibly important. You work in law enforcement, maybe you are a house cat, maybe not. If you fall in the 2nd category, whats the odds you could get hurt on the job, and face either not being able to go back to work for an extended time, or not at all? Construction is even more dangerous, something like 1:2 will face that, and 1:4 to 1:6 will never return to their field from some injury. You may ask why I bring this up? For better or worse, or did you only mean for better? You or he could get sick tomorrow, and it might be something that is, long-term, or worse permanent, and crippling. Would you expect your spouse to be there? To my may of thinking, this situation isn't much different. This is something that sounds like it could be made fixable with the right support, and right tools. 

I'm not in denial about financial realities that exist out there either. Tons of us need that 2nd income to make it, or a severe lifestyle adjustment to survive without it. It sounds like you are able to deal with the loss of income (at least temporarily). The reality is he may have to train to do something else to get back to that level of income. 

I do see several wrongs here. I do agree that he should be paying some of that unemployment into household expenses. I think its unreasonable not to contribute if you have some income. The alcohol isn't helping either. Its a depressant, and will only make it harder for him to get motivated if its a regular thing. Its also wrong to stay paralyzed from a shock to the system. He needs to come up with a plan, and you two need to sit down, and talk about that plan. Find out what he truly expects to be doing in X period of time? If its delusional, such as returning to building houses, you need to nudge him on it. 


The question I have for you is simply, do you want him back at work, and as a partner? If you do: What steps can do you that will build him back up, and help him get there? What steps can you do that will help him get into the right mode of thinking? ...and more importantly, to get _him thinking about finding his way out of the problem?_ Some people need it presented as a challenge, he may be one of those. The drinking, and issue of "What next?" needs to be addressed, and he may need a short bit to come up with a plan. You have something at stake in that, and you'll need to make your own mind up if he has any follow through with it. 

That isn't to say you can be patient forever, but sometimes your partner needs a nudge, and a reality check to stop them from tarrying. 

Good luck.


----------



## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I have been collecting unemployment off and on for two+ years. I still do anything I can to find work, bartend, landscape, paint, etc. You sound like a decent woman, don't let him bring you down


----------



## thywillbcuffed (Apr 30, 2010)

Thanks everybody. I am closing on the house in my name next in 2 weeks. If I told him I didn't want to be with him he would just leave. He'd sign the divorce papers and just leave. We'd be divorced in 2 weeks. He doesn't want the house because he doesn't want anything that would cause him to have to pay for lawyers or him putting out more money than its worth. He'd would just pack of the little things he has in his van and leave and start over. When we got married he was working for atleast 3 years but when he got layed off he only had 2 jobs that lasted a month or two. I'm just really tired of it. He's been buying nintendo games and HE-MAN toys--yes toys over the internet and now his van broke down and he wants me to do something about it! I DONT HAVE MONEY FOR THAT TOO! I've tried to be nice and even created a 5 STAR resume that most companies would charge u for and his excuse now is: Well now that my van doesn't work, I probably wont get hired and if i do i'll work at a small gas station nearby! He told me today that I complain about everything and that the $200 he gave me (we don't have any accounts together--NOTHING is in his name) is him contributing. I agree with that---but he thinks that is all he has to do. He spent $200 on toys and games when that could have went towards his van. I love my husband and I KNOW he loves me---but he is a child. I feel like when he gets it---he will be 40. I just can't wait that long for him. I'm not a ugly girl and I get asked out all the time---but I love my husband. He's so STUPID to realize that all of this will be gone. In his mind he really believes that he's trying and he can't make it better.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Come on, thywill. You know better. Deep down, somewhere, you KNOW that you married a selfish, using, BUM.

And that your own low self esteem is what keeps you from kicking the bum out.

You think no one else will want you, so you allow him to USE you worse than he probably used his own mother.

Give me five reasons why he should even be in your life.


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

_Let me say i agree w/ most posts here as it easy to do so, Cuff......we only have yer input. if its all true then u know what to do w/out any help from us.
but.......
ask yourself this: when this all began how did deal with it/him?
did u get angry/frustrated easliy? or were u kind/understandig(too much so?). did u notice yer voice, yer
words u used? these make a big diff, esp when a woman is laying down "the law" to her man. do u see? unless yer mans a complete wuss, he wont take kindly to u threatening him, 
EVEN if you are 100% right, u see?

whats it matter? cooperation....success....harmony, to name a
few. Aint making excuses for him, just offering another possibility is all. 
Was he like this at all b4 job loss? any signs? if not,
then u r looking at major depression s/s, and he may be 
in need of pysch help. at a min u both need counseling
tho' u sound like a giveup fatality already.

I feel for ya if 100% right, but if u can step back, even
get some gooooood counseling 4 yerself, then u'll be the wiser and making a better future decision i think.

----------peace--------------------cb45------------_


----------



## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

You are being a great wife. 

When I was unemployed I painted our entire condo and did some remodeling (construction is not my field but i have learned to do stuff online with books and trial and error). I never spent any of my unemployment money on games or things for me. I painted my sister's house (part of it) and did handly things to keep me busy. 

Since he is not contributing by working an honorable man would at least not go to bars and spend money on booze/video games. In the worst economy there are always jobs if you look hard, are creative and proactive. 

I feel for you. it sounds like you have had it. Hopefully, you have confirmed the house in your name will protect you. I would call your lawyer to double check that you may be divorcing. The law sometimes is not fair or logical. 

If your thought is that he will leave in a second that should further shine a flashlight on what appears to be very dubius charictor. 

Everybody makes mistakes and it seems you realize you have made one to think this guy would live up to the vows he took with you. 

Other people talk about depression...counseling....sorry but, this man is not the man you thought or wished him to be. As someone stated in another post to another matter just learn from this and look back and see if there was a way you could see this comming. Not to take blame but again to learn. 

You sound like a great lady and deserve better. Good luck with your new house.


----------



## 143bdr (Jun 1, 2010)

As a Law Enforcement official you hopefully have the ability to read people accurately and weed through the BS. I would love to be able to say something positive here but I can't. Use your head here Ma'am..Good luck


----------

