# Wives who hate husbands hobbys??



## 3kgtmitsu

Anyone else out there have wives that get all passive aggressive and make snide comments about your hobbies? Im just going to talk about one of them..

Heres the story...I have been a car guy all my life...and also being a car guy has had a very important role in my career..I am now a business owner and about half of my business is geared towards automotive aftermarket...

I have a car that I have been slowly building for several years...and ultimately is going to be the one car to truly showcase my talents and its also good advertising for my business. 

I have been putting a bit more effort into this thing in the last couple years and my wife seems to have a huge problem with it.

Now before anyone assumes that I just disappear into the garage and ignore my family for hours...that's not the case..as is I get maybe 2-3 hours per week on this thing...maybe 5-6 tops if I can get out there and I am not waiting on parts. 

Its not a financial strain, I make decent money, and for another thing its a tax write off.

Even all of this being true, probably 9 times out of 10 she comes out into the garage after just a few minutes and starts nagging.. stepson sometimes acts like he is 'taddling' on me and says 'hes working on his car again' as if its some kind of bad thing I am doing. C'mon, I am a grown man, I don't need to be treated like I am some disobedient child! I work a solid 50 hour week, so I do enjoy having at least some time on the weekends to have some chill time, most of the time the Kids are out in the garage with my anyways. It always turns into 'some task' inside the house needs done, since I pretty much am the one who picks up the slack around the house she really leans on me to pretty much fill my entire weekend with mundane chores. Which always get done btw..

She is 100% not supportive of my interests...however the things she is interested in and enjoys to do its different, its ok for her to go the gym for 2-3 hours every weekend day...or obsess over some new food idea..and I am supportive of all these things.

This is really bugging me...I get that shes not into cars, and sees cars just as a utility. But the thing is, she married me knowing I AM a car guy, always have been and always will be. She doesn't make an effort to go to shows with me or be supportive when I have an event coming up, she seems to only care about this effects her.

Now, I will give her some grace for the moment, she is In school, but she will graduate here in another month or two and I hope that she backs off a bit, however I do think this is part of a deeper issue, the need to have control. 

My attitude is just that I am not doing anything wrong, its not costing her time or stress other than what she has made up in her head, it irritates the hell out of me that she sees me doing something I enjoy as a problem..

I just think that some women forget that their partner is an individual, and has their own interests and likes...I sure as hell do not like everything she does, but I am not going to try to get in between her and them just over a need for control.


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## cons

Sounds like you and your wife need to sit down and talk about your recreation time (both hers and yours).

How much time do you two have doing recreational things together? Perhaps there is an imbalance.

Your wife is using an unhealthy passive-aggressive form of communicating this to you.

A direct discussion may help address this.


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## Constable Odo

Undoubtedly she loves going to the gym for the "attention" the buff personal trainer gives her....


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## 3kgtmitsu

None at the moment, because she never wants to and is always studying...and we do talk about it and I do want to do these things, infact I would love to, but there is always 'something to do' around the house..

I get that some of it is probably that she feels like she has no free time and gets jealous, however she is also the type that tries to stress herself out, by taking on too much all the time, always burning the candle and both ends so to speak.

I am not trying to paint the picture of her being the evil nagging selfish type, I don't think that's it, I just think she is convinced what I am doing serves no purpose.


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## happy as a clam

Well, I think guys who work on cars are pretty d*mn cool! Personally, I'd come out to the garage with two frosty beers, plop myself on a stool and watch. 

OP, I think your instincts are spot-on -- this is about control, not cars. It wouldn't matter whether you were out in the garage building bird-houses; she would still get huffy.

The question is, how are you going to deal with it? Have you actually had a conversation about it?

The other option is to just ignore it.


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## Wolf1974

When ok point this out to her exactly like this

You knew I was a car guy when we married and were fine with it then so why the anger now? 

What does she say to that?

Something had to change either with you or her to have this new resentment


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## 6301

My cousin has a hobby and it's wood work and he's really good at it and he gets the same from his wife with the put downs and snide remarks and he only plays around with his hobby when she's out and about doing her thing.

One day she made her daily snide remark and he put the tools down, went in the house, grabbed a shower and while he was getting dressed, she wanted to know where he was going and he told her that he's starting a new hobby that his younger brother has, drinking and strip clubs and he started going out with his brother a few times a month and lo and behold what a change of attitude she had. For Christmas she bought him new wood working tools and videos for new projects so maybe you can get a few pointers from him.

Then for good measure, let your step son know that no one likes or respects a snitch.


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## Happilymarried25

I agree with you, spouses should support their spouses hobbies as long as it doesn't take a hug amount of time away from their family. My husband is out most Saturday mornings when the weather is nice playing golf and I think it's great. He works hard during the week and deserves some fun time with his buddies.


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## Shoto1984

As mentioned it sounds like a control issue. I had this in my marriage also. There was also a weird "zero sum" thing that went on. Anything that I achieved or made me happy she somehow saw as bad and something to to scorn in stead of being able to celebrate it together.


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## EleGirl

I think that more info would help.

I think that there are a lot of things going on here.

There is nothing wrong with your car hobby. You say that give have hobbys.. that is plural. From title of this thread and your first paragraph it's clear that you do not just spent 2-6 hours a week on one hobby. 

What are your other hobbies and how many hours a week do you spend on all of them?

You say that your you work 50 hour weeks in addition to your hobbies. 

Then your wife is in school. What is her major? How many hours a week does she spend between school and study? A full load is usually between 40-60 hours a week of effort between classes and study.

You both do things around the house and with the kids. What % of all this do each of you do?

She spends 2 hours a 2-3 hours a day on Saturday/Sunday at the gym. What other activities/hobbies does she spend time on and how much time?

You say that you two spend no, or next to none, quality time together, just the two of you.

About how much non-quality time do the two of you spend together... like doing chores together?


The answers to the above will help to flesh out the picture of what is going on in your marriage.


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## reboot

I get that from my wife too. She has no hobbies whatsoever and always makes sure to papercut me with snide, slight remarks whenever I truly am enjoying something other than her.

My theory is that many wives, particularly those neglected in childhood by mean/distant fathers, married with the idea that they would become their husband's hobby. These are women who want to be treated like a princess, not a life partner. So when they see you devoting time to anything other than her, it is an affront.


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## Mr. Nail

This topic has been coming up a lot lately. I also participate on a relationship board for younger people. When young women come in and complain about the amount of time their boyfriends spend on Hobbies, friends, and pretty much anything but their girlfriend this is the advice I give them.

When you met this boy he had these friends and hobbies. They were part of the package that you fell in love with. You liked him because he was an interesting person. Now if you should succeed in getting him to give up his hobbies and friends here is what will happen. He will become boring to you. You will become attracted to someone who is more "interesting" than him. Then YOU will break up with him because he became what YOU made him. 

Since this is the men's clubhouse this advice is somewhat misplaced. For the men, I second the advice of 6301. If you have to exchange your hobby, make sure it is more mysterious than the previous hobby.
MN


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## 3kgtmitsu

I do have a couple other ones but I rarely have any time to invest into them so I just don't bother...

What I always get is the 'you shoulda been doing x instead of hobby' blah blah. Like I said she's getting some grace because of school right now but if it continues on past graduation like she says it won't it's gonna be counseling time..

Right now I do as much as possible around the house..it's probabky more than 50%...she's home a lot more than I am..but that time is study time..


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## Flying_Dutchman

Just a thought.

Why not get some of your 'car hours' out of the way while she's at the gym? She can't whine if she ain't there.

Get your son passing spanners and polishing chrome too. Get him onside and she'll be the minority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn

she boarder line narcissist.

she can do what ever she wants but your activities are not helping her so you lose.


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## Ikaika

Just one of these situations where one would like to hear both sides of the story. 

My two hobbies, playing music (bass) and working out. When I first converted a spare bedroom into a music studio, investing in more basses and recording gear, my wife was a bit resentful. Ok, not exactly the same, the price was steep with all the room modifications and my cheapest bass retailing at $1K. My personal space. I have since re-tooled it so that it is a music/hobby room where my wife has her hobby stuff in there as well. Peace was restored. 

The space that I put in the home-gym is used by me, my youngest son and wife. This time I drew out the plans and cost estimates and talked it over with my wife. All is good.

Now granted this may not be your situation, that is why I say, wouldn't be nice sometimes to hear from both parties involved.


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## yeah_right

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Just a thought.
> 
> Why not get some of your 'car hours' out of the way while she's at the gym? She can't whine if she ain't there.
> 
> Get your son passing spanners and polishing chrome too. Get him onside and she'll be the minority.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is good advice. H and I had issues like this a few years ago. He was gone with his activities so much I felt single. So I took up my own activities which made it worse. It was ridiculous on both sides.

Anyway, we've worked it out and now spend plenty of time doing "together" stuff. But we both kept our individual hobbies and for the most part schedule them on the same evenings each week to limit any issues. So even if one of us has hobby time on a different night or weekend, we still have enough time together to avoid resentments.

Also, if you have kids, getting them involved in your hobby is great for bonding and for giving mom quiet time. She may just need some time away from them. Guys, we love our kids but they drive us just as batsh!t crazy as they do you. Women will be more likely to give you extra hobby time (and extra nookie) if you simply pick up the kids and take them from her sight for a few hours to join you in your favorite activity.


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## Fighting For Happiness

I would ask her two things and see where it goes

1. Why are you not supportive of my car hobby?

2. I sense a pattern that every time I am enjoying my hobby you go out of your way to take me away from enjoying myself with a series of chores in the house. Why do you do that to me?

If she gives you an answer then you can 

A. Improvise
B. Adapt
C. Overcome
D. Ignore

Regardless she will be put on notice very politely that you are on to her bull$hit. 

I do not advocate explaining yourself. I only advocate asking direct question when a spouse is pulling crap they think is not transparent. 

Please come back and let us know her answers so we can share in the learning


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## Forest

What do YOU think?

Is your car stuff a rational and appropriate deal, or taking time away from your family?

If you seriously think its OK, then don't automatically assume you're some neglectful husband just because she objects. You're probably no more neglectful than she is unnecessarily needy and controlling.


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## EleGirl

Lila said:


> 3kgtmitsu,
> 
> How much time do you spend with your wife just one-on-one maintaining the relationship?
> 
> Are you intentional about making time for her? You know, making her feel like she's a priority in your life above the Car Hobby and building your business?


These are extremely important questions.

Please answer them


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## staarz21

3kgtmitsu said:


> I do have a couple other ones but I rarely have any time to invest into them so I just don't bother...
> 
> What I always get is the 'you shoulda been doing x instead of hobby' blah blah. Like I said she's getting some grace because of school right now but if it continues on past graduation like she says it won't it's gonna be counseling time..
> 
> Right now I do as much as possible around the house..it's probabky more than 50%...she's home a lot more than I am..but that time is study time..


See, in threads like this - where such wonderful advice pops up - I would love to have the wife's side of the story. 

You say you have more than one hobby. You spend at least 2-6 hours a week JUST on your car hobby. That seems like a decent amount of time for a hobby. Heck, you could probably squeeze more time in there for that hobby depending on work hours and home situations. So, I am thinking that these other hobbies, whatever they are, do intervene with some time that your wife would like to spend with you. She may not know how to communicate it though. 

How much time do you spend with your wife, one on one? How much time do you spend doing things with her that she likes? 

My H is a motorcycle guy. He just bought another one. I wasn't happy about it. Why? Because he wasted $3,000 on the first one that he couldn't get running due to a part that was near impossible to find. We had to sell it for $1,000 less than what we purchased it for. So, we were out some money. He just purchased another motorcycle - that now a week later - is needing some adjustments that have cost an additional $500. 

I haven't said anything to him. I realize he likes doing this stuff. However, he's going to call me a nag the next time he says he needs to purchase something and I tell him to wait until he's saved the money for it. I will not dip into savings for this hobby. I then will become the bad guy...he will say I never let him do anything...etc. 

He spends the weekends and evenings after working playing with this motorcycle. I don't care about this at all because he makes up for it. He helps with dinner and giving the kids a bath. After they are in bed, we spend time together either having sex or watching movies/tv. I get quality time with him. If his hobby ever came between the time I wanted to spend with him - I would have a problem with it. 

So, before you go out to a strip club like some other poster mentioned  Why don't you ask her exactly what her issues are with you doing your hobby. 

Hey babe, you seem to have a problem with me working on my car. What exactly is it about my hobby that bothers you? I get the chores done, kids are taken care of, and I have some free time. What about this makes you uneasy? 

See what she has to say before making assumptions about anything. It could be that she is controlling or it could be something else. Like I mentioned earlier, My H thinks I am controlling and a nag because I won't dip into savings for his hobby. I am not either of those things. I think he should save the extra money for the hobby. He makes plenty of money. But he spends the extra as fast as he gets it. He's just mad he can't get it now, now, now. That's his problem, not mine. He still gets what he wants, just takes 2 weeks longer than the wanted to get it.


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## Maricha75

Staarz, you do realize that the mention of strip clubs wasn't saying for him to go out and do that, right? It was a response that one person's cousin made to daily complaints about a hobby he did when she was out doing her own thing. And, while I wouldn't endorse strip clubs and such, I agree with the sentiment behind what the poster said his cousin did. 

Yes, he said he spends that much time on the cars. He also said his other hobbies are significantly less, nearly nonexistent, due to the time on cars.


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## 3kgtmitsu

I have pretty much abandoned my other hobbies.....so that's not even a factor.

The deal is she stretches the truth and try's to say I am investing much more time than I actually am...I think the core issue is she spends her free time studying...aka not fun time...so when I get to work on my car she feels that I shouldn't be doing that because of her situation..kind of a misery loves company thing


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## Wolf1974

3kgtmitsu said:


> I have pretty much abandoned my other hobbies.....so that's not even a factor.
> 
> The deal is she stretches the truth and try's to say I am investing much more time than I actually am...I think the core issue is she spends her free time studying...aka not fun time...so when I get to work on my car she feels that I shouldn't be doing that because of her situation..kind of a misery loves company thing


So can you just work on car stuff when she is studying or is that not good enough for her either?


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## Lloyd Dobler

3kgtmitsu said:


> I have pretty much abandoned my other hobbies.....so that's not even a factor.
> 
> The deal is she stretches the truth and try's to say I am investing much more time than I actually am...*I think the core issue is she spends her free time studying...aka not fun time...so when I get to work on my car she feels that I shouldn't be doing that because of her situation*..kind of a misery loves company thing


3kg,
I think you're onto something with this. When my wife was studying for her doctorate, it affected EVERYTHING having to do with our household. She used to get on me and the kids for everything because it was a way for her to exert control when everything else in her world was more than a little out of her control. Things relaxed considerably once she actually got her degree.

You mentioned that your wife only has a little bit more time left for studying, so perhaps she will be able to calm down a little bit once the pressure is off.


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## Yeswecan

6301 said:


> My cousin has a hobby and it's wood work and he's really good at it and he gets the same from his wife with the put downs and snide remarks and he only plays around with his hobby when she's out and about doing her thing.
> 
> One day she made her daily snide remark and he put the tools down, went in the house, grabbed a shower and while he was getting dressed, she wanted to know where he was going and he told her that he's starting a new hobby that his younger brother has, drinking and strip clubs and he started going out with his brother a few times a month and lo and behold what a change of attitude she had. For Christmas she bought him new wood working tools and videos for new projects so maybe you can get a few pointers from him.
> 
> Then for good measure, let your step son know that no one likes or respects a snitch.


That is awesome!


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## Yeswecan

I had similar with my W. I simply asked why she had issues with me enjoying a hobby. She had no real answer. At that point I asked she keeps her remarks, unless something nice, to herself. My W gets more then 15 hours with me a week quality time. I work a full 40. I ask for some time to myself. I'm talking a 2-3 hours(and not every week) to enjoy my hobby. She has since stopped giving me remarks about my hobby. In fact, just this past Sunday she said she was glad I could get a few hours in on my hobby. 

And yeah..it's a car hobby!


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## Yeswecan

Lloyd Dobler said:


> 3kg,
> I think you're onto something with this. When my wife was studying for her doctorate, it affected EVERYTHING having to do with our household. She used to get on me and the kids for everything because it was a way for her to exert control when everything else in her world was more than a little out of her control. Things relaxed considerably once she actually got her degree.
> 
> You mentioned that your wife only has a little bit more time left for studying, so perhaps she will be able to calm down a little bit once the pressure is off.


Same with my BIL and his girlfriend who is studying for the bar. She is a raving lunatic. Goes after my BIL and his two daughter. Not a healthy thing this studying!


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## staarz21

Maricha75 said:


> Staarz, you do realize that the mention of strip clubs wasn't saying for him to go out and do that, right? It was a response that one person's cousin made to daily complaints about a hobby he did when she was out doing her own thing. And, while I wouldn't endorse strip clubs and such, I agree with the sentiment behind what the poster said his cousin did.
> 
> Yes, he said he spends that much time on the cars. He also said his other hobbies are significantly less, nearly nonexistent, due to the time on cars.


Yes, I am quite aware of what the poster said about the strip clubs - I was being sarcastic.


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## FeministInPink

Yeswecan said:


> Lloyd Dobler said:
> 
> 
> 
> 3kg,
> I think you're onto something with this. When my wife was studying for her doctorate, it affected EVERYTHING having to do with our household. She used to get on me and the kids for everything because it was a way for her to exert control when everything else in her world was more than a little out of her control. Things relaxed considerably once she actually got her degree.
> 
> You mentioned that your wife only has a little bit more time left for studying, so perhaps she will be able to calm down a little bit once the pressure is off.
> 
> 
> 
> Same with my BIL and his girlfriend who is studying for the bar. She is a raving lunatic. Goes after my BIL and his two daughter. Not a healthy thing this studying!
Click to expand...

I was pursuing my MA part-time and working full-time for most of my marriage (now former marriage!). It can be very stressful and overwhelming, and if she's not getting enough support at home, that can make it even more stressful. 

I made a point to schedule my classes and do my studying, homework, and writing when he was working (he worked nights, I worked days), whenever possible, so it wouldn't interfere with out quality time. I asked him, multiple times, to help me out by taking on more of the housework, because I couldn't do as much with all the schoolwork and my job. He was only working 35 hrs/wk; I was working 50 hrs/wk, plus another ~20 hrs/wk during the semester on school stuff, so I didn't think I was asking too much. But he did, and refused to do it. And as some sort of passive-aggressive retaliation, he started taking the days/time previously reserved for together/quality time and dedicated that to his only hobby--playing video games. I expressed my concern over this multiple times, because the lack of togetherness was hurting our relationship, and he was home all day when I was at work, so he had plenty of time to pursue this hobby when it wouldn't impact our marriage, but he ignored me completely.

(Yes, I know that the dynamic was unhealthy, it's one of the reasons I'm divorced now.)

I'm not saying that this is the situation in OP's case, but it is worth examining whether or not the OP's wife is getting the support that she needs, domestic or otherwise. After all, her getting a degree isn't just about personal fulfillment, the way a hobby is; it's also about benefiting the entire family. With a higher degree, she'll be able to make better money, not to mention the better benefits that sometimes come with a better job. 

On the other end of the spectrum, my mother has mocked and ridiculed my father's hobbies all my life. Until I was 10 or so, she was a SAHM, and my dad worked very hard to support his family. In addition to his Mon-Fri job, he worked weekends at a mini-mart, and spent Saturday evenings working as a janitor at our church. He didn't get much free time. My mother didn't even do the bare minimum in the way of domestic support. She spent all her time during the day painting watercolors; my sister and I were responsible for making sure we fed ourselves breakfast and lunch, and did everything else for ourselves. She would cook dinner and would leave behind all the dirty dishes in the sink for my dad to handle; most evenings, my mother would head off to play rehearsal (she was very active in community theater), usually with my sister and I in tow. Sometimes my dad would be at the theater in the evening (he enjoyed set design and construction), but half the time, he would come home to an empty house and all the unfinished chores that my mother left behind. Which he would do. When he got a little bit of free time in the late evening, he would go to the attic and tinker with his model trains, or go out to the garage and do the car thing. 

All of which my mother would endlessly criticize. Everything that he did for his family, and she didn't offer him any domestic support. She couldn't be bothered to make time for him and for their relationship, and limited face time with his kids (this second part may have been unintentional, but who knows). Point of this example is... my mom was selfish, immature, and kind of a b!tch.

Most likely, the OP's situation falls somewhere in between these two extremes. It's important, as many commenters have already said, to look at the particulars of the situation, and address accordingly.


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## BookOfJob

3kgtmitsu said:


> ...however she is also the type that tries to stress herself out, by taking on too much all the time, always burning the candle and both ends so to speak...


I just got out of a relationship with this type above. Do you read this as a 'crazy maker' type?



chillymorn said:


> she is border line narcissist


I think the two comments above kinda unsettling. Looking back at my own experience (I failed the relationship by the way), I think the only way to address it is with a stern personal boundary, call her out, and to try to get to the bottom of the issue. Don't let it simmer and spawn other issues.

I edited this post to add that looking back, if I was in this position again, I would call her out about the lack of quality time together (as you pointed out in your earlier post). I think letting this out of control can lead to other issues. I would put a picture of a marriage that I want and strive towards it, that's what I mean with a stern personal boundary.


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## poida

Wolf1974 said:


> When ok point this out to her exactly like this
> 
> You knew I was a car guy when we married and were fine with it then so why the anger now?
> 
> What does she say to that?
> 
> Something had to change either with you or her to have this new resentment


Yep. Print off your first email and read it to her word for word.

Communication people!!!!!!!!!!!!

Having said that my POSEW wasn't capable of it.:lol:


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## Anon1111

Here's how I would react:

Have a conversation outside of your hobby time where you highlight the issue. I would frame it as:

"I've noticed that you often make requests for me while I am working on my car. Not sure if this is intentional, but I consider this pretty special time for me and I need to focus on it when I'm doing it. "

"I've also noticed that you seem to make comments on this activity that to me appear hostile. I hope I'm just misinterpreting, but, again, this is important to me, so if you don't have something nice to say about it, I'd appreciate it if you could keep it to yourself."

After this conversation, the ball will be in her court. If she interupts you again with requests, I would say "I thought we talked about this. I am busy now-- you can ask me later." Then ignore her.

If she makes rude comments, I would also call her on it. "I mentioned to you that I don't appreciate those types of comments. I'm not going to engage with you if you choose to keep making them." Conversation over.


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## 3kgtmitsu

She graduated from school now a couple weeks ago...and still the snide remarks continue while she somehow has managed to watch 2 seasons of Greys Anatomy on Netflix. So being that her having a problem with me working on my car...which has already created new business and contacts btw..it's just plain hypocritical. So I'm just gonna continue to do my thing...and spend time with my family..and ignore the stupid remarks..if she complains that I should spend every free moment of mine picking up her slack she needs to step it up too. There are no excuses now


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## nirvana

happy as a clam said:


> Well, I think guys who work on cars are pretty d*mn cool! Personally, I'd come out to the garage with two frosty beers, plop myself on a stool and watch.
> 
> OP, I think your instincts are spot-on -- this is about control, not cars. It wouldn't matter whether you were out in the garage building bird-houses; she would still get huffy.
> 
> The question is, how are you going to deal with it? Have you actually had a conversation about it?
> 
> The other option is to just ignore it.


It is about control. My wife gets angry about "your hobbies". She basically gets mad if I do something that does not include her. I think it is healthy to have some things that are our own, not everything has to be done with a husband or wife. Once she asked me to go and play a certain sport because a friend's husband was. So I did, and was hooked as I was a player in the past. The 3 hour games every Saturday would send her into a huff. Now she was the one who asked me to go play!! Women defy logic some times.


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## nirvana

reboot said:


> I get that from my wife too. She has no hobbies whatsoever and always makes sure to papercut me with snide, slight remarks whenever I truly am enjoying something other than her.
> 
> My theory is that many wives, particularly those neglected in childhood by mean/distant fathers, married with the idea that they would become their husband's hobby. These are women who want to be treated like a princess, not a life partner. So when they see you devoting time to anything other than her, it is an affront.


It can be the other way too.
A girl who was pampered and spoiled by daddy can want her husband to behave like daddy as well. She ends up behaving like a princess instead of a life partner.


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## 3kgtmitsu

When I come home I'm usually met with a disaster in the house and she suddenly is motivated when I'm there...so she essentially tries to fill any would be free time with chores. But what about the hours before I get home? Either way I just won't allow her to roll over me...I'm a human being not a servant and when I have been out there busting my ass all day working I like some r and r time. It's just a never ending double standard with no winner in the end because she is always justified in her mind. Complainers never stop complaining they just change what they complain about.


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## 3kgtmitsu

And yes I do my part...no I'm not perfect..I just wish she was easy going and more supportive..in a relationship it should be a 50/50..not a do everything my way and we will be fine attitude...she knows damn well I have a problem with her acting like that and if she continues down the control freak path it's gonna be counseling time and then beyond that who knows. No one wants to be with a hypocrite.


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## 3kgtmitsu

Wow I feel for your dad...sounds miserable but also sounds like he needed to step up and put her in her place. If people act like a child they should be treated as so..if there are never consequences then they just take it to the extreme. Bottom line is people know when they are treating others like crap and sometimes they need a real wake up call. Also some women seem to try to marry men they think they can control and when they can't they get all bent out of shape over it and it's always the mans fault.


FeministInPink said:


> I was pursuing my MA part-time and working full-time for most of my marriage (now former marriage!). It can be very stressful and overwhelming, and if she's not getting enough support at home, that can make it even more stressful.
> 
> I made a point to schedule my classes and do my studying, homework, and writing when he was working (he worked nights, I worked days), whenever possible, so it wouldn't interfere with out quality time. I asked him, multiple times, to help me out by taking on more of the housework, because I couldn't do as much with all the schoolwork and my job. He was only working 35 hrs/wk; I was working 50 hrs/wk, plus another ~20 hrs/wk during the semester on school stuff, so I didn't think I was asking too much. But he did, and refused to do it. And as some sort of passive-aggressive retaliation, he started taking the days/time previously reserved for together/quality time and dedicated that to his only hobby--playing video games. I expressed my concern over this multiple times, because the lack of togetherness was hurting our relationship, and he was home all day when I was at work, so he had plenty of time to pursue this hobby when it wouldn't impact our marriage, but he ignored me completely.
> 
> (Yes, I know that the dynamic was unhealthy, it's one of the reasons I'm divorced now.)
> 
> I'm not saying that this is the situation in OP's case, but it is worth examining whether or not the OP's wife is getting the support that she needs, domestic or otherwise. After all, her getting a degree isn't just about personal fulfillment, the way a hobby is; it's also about benefiting the entire family. With a higher degree, she'll be able to make better money, not to mention the better benefits that sometimes come with a better job.
> 
> On the other end of the spectrum, my mother has mocked and ridiculed my father's hobbies all my life. Until I was 10 or so, she was a SAHM, and my dad worked very hard to support his family. In addition to his Mon-Fri job, he worked weekends at a mini-mart, and spent Saturday evenings working as a janitor at our church. He didn't get much free time. My mother didn't even do the bare minimum in the way of domestic support. She spent all her time during the day painting watercolors; my sister and I were responsible for making sure we fed ourselves breakfast and lunch, and did everything else for ourselves. She would cook dinner and would leave behind all the dirty dishes in the sink for my dad to handle; most evenings, my mother would head off to play rehearsal (she was very active in community theater), usually with my sister and I in tow. Sometimes my dad would be at the theater in the evening (he enjoyed set design and construction), but half the time, he would come home to an empty house and all the unfinished chores that my mother left behind. Which he would do. When he got a little bit of free time in the late evening, he would go to the attic and tinker with his model trains, or go out to the garage and do the car thing.
> 
> All of which my mother would endlessly criticize. Everything that he did for his family, and she didn't offer him any domestic support. She couldn't be bothered to make time for him and for their relationship, and limited face time with his kids (this second part may have been unintentional, but who knows). Point of this example is... my mom was selfish, immature, and kind of a b!tch.
> 
> Most likely, the OP's situation falls somewhere in between these two extremes. It's important, as many commenters have already said, to look at the particulars of the situation, and address accordingly.


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## FeministInPink

3kgtmitsu said:


> Wow I feel for your dad...sounds miserable but also sounds like he needed to step up and put her in her place. If people act like a child they should be treated as so..if there are never consequences then they just take it to the extreme. Bottom line is people know when they are treating others like crap and sometimes they need a real wake up call. Also some women seem to try to marry men they think they can control and when they can't they get all bent out of shape over it and it's always the mans fault.


Yeah... he and I have talked about it, and he says she wasn't always like this, and that it's become progressively worse over time. But, as much as I love my dad, he's also a bit of a fatalist, I think... and I think he's always had low self-esteem. Stems back to a lot of FOO/childhood issues. 

It makes me sad, because he's a really good man. He's smart, funny, kind, talented, sensitive (in the good way), thoughtful, loving... I think he would have thrived with a woman who loved him the way he deserves.

I don't really know what my mom's MO was when she married my dad. Well, I do, a little bit. She was 25, and he was the only man she's ever dated. All her friends from high school were already married and having babies. She figured that he was going to be her only chance to get married, so she did. She made it abundantly clear--to me, at least, ever since I was quite young, so I'm sure that other people know she feels this way--that she "settled" for my father.

ETA: Sorry for the thread-jack, OP. Not here to talk about me.


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## 3kgtmitsu

Yeah...I know a lot of guys with destroyed self esteems from years of belittling and disrespect from their women...it's always subtle but chips away at it. These women should feel ashamed for doing that to another human being. Can't fall into the trap of her convincing that you are an ******* just because you don't fit into some idealistic unrealistic mold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nirvana

3kgtmitsu said:


> Yeah...I know a lot of guys with destroyed self esteems from years of belittling and disrespect from their women...it's always subtle but chips away at it. These women should feel ashamed for doing that to another human being. Can't fall into the trap of her convincing that you are an ******* just because you don't fit into some idealistic unrealistic mold.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think they want to actually destroy their man's self esteem, but they do want to control their men and change them "for the better". 

Men marry and want their women to remain the same. Women marry and want to change their men. Interesting, isn't it?

Among many women, they get together and talk about what their husbands do for them in terms of chores and gifts. Then the other ladies get jealous and go home angry at their husbands.


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## heartsbeating

Anon1111 said:


> Here's how I would react:
> 
> Have a conversation outside of your hobby time where you highlight the issue. I would frame it as:
> 
> "I've noticed that you often make requests for me while I am working on my car. Not sure if this is intentional, but I consider this pretty special time for me and I need to focus on it when I'm doing it. "
> 
> "I've also noticed that you seem to make comments on this activity that to me appear hostile. I hope I'm just misinterpreting, but, again, this is important to me, so if you don't have something nice to say about it, I'd appreciate it if you could keep it to yourself."
> 
> After this conversation, the ball will be in her court.


I dig this advice. Admittedly I may be nit-picking words here but I think after this conversation, the ball isn't actually in anyone's court. If this is communicated calmly, the game for control dissipates. Instead it's his assertion of self respect.

With that approach, it may also encourage her to express more clearly from her own sense of self respect to address her concerns. The beauty of feeling grounded within oneself, is the ability to be open to being flexible and recognizing what is reasonable, from that place of one's own integrity, while still standing by one's limitations and boundaries.



Anon1111 said:


> If she interupts you again with requests, I would say "I thought we talked about this. I am busy now-- you can ask me later." Then ignore her.
> 
> If she makes rude comments, I would also call her on it. "I mentioned to you that I don't appreciate those types of comments. I'm not going to engage with you if you choose to keep making them." Conversation over.


Delivered with assertive calm, in theory, I agree. Of course I am also curious about the flip-side to this scenario (her perspective).


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## 3kgtmitsu

Figure I would post and update on this its been a few months..I actually moved my shop and I just work on my car during down time at the shop, which has relieved some of the pointless bickering over it at home and I can actually get a lot more accomplished in a shorter amount of time without the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder. 

Control issues still continue however. I think part of the problem is im the stubborn type, and shes the controlling type. and our lives are full of double standards too. Case in point, if im home for half a day I get drilled as soon as she gets home asking what I did for the day and how did I contribute, aka did you do all the laundry, mop the floor do the dishes etc and get the 3rd degree if its not up to her standards. When she has a day off, I can't dare ask what she did around the house to contribute without some major blow back, and quite frankly, not a lot usually is done. 

I do forsee some counseling in our future, at the very least so we are on the same page and not just being her page. I do think her expectations are pretty slanted into her favor, its definitely not 50/50, and there is a certain extent of not wanting to accept me for who I really am, and have been since the moment we met.

I love spending time together when its actually relaxing and not all about 'cramming as much as possible into one day'. Its really a complex tangled web of crap sometimes, odd schedules for her now that she is working, but even though now its turning into the 'I work harder than you' thing. Ironically I work 10-15 more hours than her, and have been doing this for a long time, and I don't need to draw attention to that, but I get the whole story of its 'different' for you. Sadly, the easy going girl I thought I married is long gone.

Here is my theory, she has an agenda, and she wants me to fit it for her, regardless of my opinion or feelings . She has picked certain activities or ideas that are things I like, and is trying to weed them out. Unfortunately, im not a pushover, so this just creates friction. Im trying to help her realize that its ok for me to still do the things that make me me. No one is being deprived, the kids get attention, she gets attention. I still need to have 'me' time. Just like the 'me' time she gets.


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## JukeboxHero

3kgtmitsu said:


> Figure I would post and update on this its been a few months..I actually moved my shop and I just work on my car during down time at the shop, which has relieved some of the pointless bickering over it at home and I can actually get a lot more accomplished in a shorter amount of time without the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder.
> 
> Control issues still continue however. I think part of the problem is im the stubborn type, and shes the controlling type. and our lives are full of double standards too. Case in point, if im home for half a day I get drilled as soon as she gets home asking what I did for the day and how did I contribute, aka did you do all the laundry, mop the floor do the dishes etc and get the 3rd degree if its not up to her standards. When she has a day off, I can't dare ask what she did around the house to contribute without some major blow back, and quite frankly, not a lot usually is done.
> 
> I do forsee some counseling in our future, at the very least so we are on the same page and not just being her page. I do think her expectations are pretty slanted into her favor, its definitely not 50/50, and there is a certain extent of not wanting to accept me for who I really am, and have been since the moment we met.
> 
> I love spending time together when its actually relaxing and not all about 'cramming as much as possible into one day'. Its really a complex tangled web of crap sometimes, odd schedules for her now that she is working, but even though now its turning into the 'I work harder than you' thing. Ironically I work 10-15 more hours than her, and have been doing this for a long time, and I don't need to draw attention to that, but I get the whole story of its 'different' for you. Sadly, the easy going girl I thought I married is long gone.
> 
> Here is my theory, she has an agenda, and she wants me to fit it for her, regardless of my opinion or feelings . She has picked certain activities or ideas that are things I like, and is trying to weed them out. Unfortunately, im not a pushover, so this just creates friction. Im trying to help her realize that its ok for me to still do the things that make me me. No one is being deprived, the kids get attention, she gets attention. I still need to have 'me' time. Just like the 'me' time she gets.


I feel you here, 3k, I really do...

My wife and I have similar problems. Except I'm not into cars, ironically my wife IS into cars though, if I was into them, we would probably get along a lot better than we do.

Anyways, at this point, she doesn't care anymore. It sucks because now she pushes me to do my hobbies...go out and play cards with my friends, but refuses to work on our marriage.

Also, everything about things being cleaned to her standards apply as well


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## Woodchuck

You need to establish some regular one on one personal time together, some long week ends away, and tell her it is payback for you being absorbed in your hobby....It will pay in the long run....


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## Mr. Nail

@3kgtmitsu ,

Is the Agenda thing your perception, or something you can nail down and prove? 

Not that I need evidence to help you, but you need to know whether this is a fact or your insecurity's explanation of your observations. As humans we actively crave control and whenever we feel out of control we grasp for some way to get back into control. Your wife's agenda is either her trying to control some portion of her life (and using poor methods to do it) or your attempt to understand something in a way that makes you feel in control. 

BTW good move on moving the project car. 

I'm in a bit of a struggle with my wife about my hobbies as well. Mine is different as I want her to be more involved in my hobbies. I finally just started to do the things I like without her permission, participation or input. Suddenly she wanted to go with me.

If you are smacked with a 3 page honey do list every time you walk through the door, soon you will find yourself avoiding that door. As the Non-Chinese proverb says, "wife who puts husband in dog house, often find him in cat house.


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## Spitfire

My wife is the same with chores. She works an average of 12 hours a week. I'll come home and have to fold and put away baskets of laundry, put beds back together, help cleanup after dinner. Not many days go by that I don't think WTH have you been doing all day? If she does go in to work on a Saturday I'll do all of the housework and laundry regardless of her leaving me a list. 
My hobbies are always a big inconvenience.


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## Anon1111

3k--

good job moving your shop.

the next step for you is this:

YOU decide how much is the right amount for you to contribute to the household. Do that. Then you're done.

Do it without being asked. Do it without negotiating or looking for any kind of approval. You know what needs to get done to meet your own standard.

I am guessing to alleviate any doubt in your mind that you are being a fair guy, you will end up doing a bit more than 50%.

If that is your personality, then just own it. Look at it like a business where you're the boss. If you're a good boss, then you work harder than your employees. That's just how it is.

The point is that YOU define what your own standards are and then meet them for YOURSELF. Cut your wife out of the equation.

If she flips out (and she probably will, at least initially), don't get emotional about it or try to negotiate. 

Just say something like, "I'm not going to get into this with you. I'm pretty comfortable with my contribution to our house. If you don't like it, then that's up to you." Be very calm, give a straight simple message like this.

Then let her spin her wheels.

If you can be firm, consistent and not emotional, she will either eventually drop it or go into full crazy mode.

If she goes full crazy LONG TERM (short term is expected), she is telling you she won't be satisfied until you're her doormat. Which is valuable information to you because why would you want to deal with that.


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## 3kgtmitsu

Ok so she was gone at her moms for 2 days..which was a nice break. I spent one day out in the desert relaxing doing some prospecting..the 2nd we had a half day job and the rest of the day cleaning the shop..towards the end I worked on my car for about 2 hrs. Not that I need to account for every moment but that's how it went down.

When she got home she seemed to think I should of been home cleaning the entire time. And her first comment was 'what did you just work on your car for the entire time?' You could just hear the negativity and hatred. When I told her exactly what I did i felt like I was being treated like a misbehaving child. I'm a grown man, why should I have someone else thinking they can just act this way towards me?

The house was no worse than when she left. This is a huge double standard. She's mad if I don't spend all of my free time cleaning..while on her days off she rarely accomplishes anything around the house. And being a nurse she has 4 days off a week. I want the place clean just as much as she does but unless I do 80 percent of it it's not gonna get done. My attitude is I am an equal contributor to keeping the house tidy if not more. I do my part and I am not gonna get berated just because I don't spend every waking moment picking up after everybody.

Either way it's just simply a cannot win situation, this woman is a huge pain in the ass..she has gotten progressively worse over the years and she always blamed it on school, well school is out, she has free time and if I dare question her time management l, well you can imagine the response I get. The problem is just her control freak ness. What I notice is that she complains way way more than she takes action, From the way I take it she wants a man slave doormat not a husband. But I'm doing my part, I'm not going to sacrifice my life and happiness to be slave..I am who I am, and I have a career and passion. I love my wife and my kids and I do spend all the time I can and I am a good husband. 

Someone is being greedy and selfish in the relationship and I'm starting to realize that it's not me after being brow beaten into thinking it is. It's always been all about her goals in life and what she wants to accomplish. Anything I have going on is just an inconvenience to her unless it perfectly aligns with what she wants. I hope couples therapy will help, but in all honesty I am starting to just not want to deal with her at all.


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## brooklynAnn

She sounds like one of those people who is never happy. She is unhappy with herself, so why should you get to do something that makes you happy?

I personally belief that everyone needs to do something for themselves. I read, do craft and make soaps. My husband plays ball every Sunday and he also do some fishing. He works long hours, I am at SAHM, so he is not needed to help around the house. Unless, I/he is doing a project or repairs on the house. If we have to go do somethings with the kids, then, he takes time off from his game. The main things is that he is happy. I love seeing my husband enjoying himself and having a good time. If spending all day in the hot sun, chasing a ball makes him happy, I am happy. However, I hate cleaning fish. I gave that to his mum and aunts and they send food for him, whenever, they cook it. 

Your wife needs to get off her selfish chair before her bitterness destroy your marriage. What all this about a clean house? When we died no one remembers if we had a clean house or not. All they remember is the time spent together.


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## FeministInPink

I read somewhere that whichever partners cares more about cleanliness, that's the person who ends up doing the most of the cleaning.

In our house growing up, my mom never cleaned because she hated it. My dad would do dishes and stuff like that, but he was working full-time and my mom wasn't. He eventually just gave up, but he still does the dishes, because you need clean plates. My thought was, if I confine myself to my room and clean up after myself, Why should I have to clean up after other people? So who did the majority of the housework? MY LITTLE SISTER. Because she loved having a clean home, and she likes to clean. 

(Even now, with 2 kids under 5, a chocolate lab, a full-time job, and a husband who regularly has to be out of town for work, she still manages to keep a spotless house. AND she's an amazing mom. I have no idea how she does it.)

My point is... I don't know what my point is, except that she wants a clean house, but she doesn't want to clean it.

I would suggest a cleaning service.


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## Blondilocks

You two (and any other men who are afraid to stand up to their wives) need a 'come to Jesus' convo. This is where you state your misgivings and tell her how it is going to be from here on in. This is where you ask the tough questions i.e. So, just what in the hell do you do on your days off?

You're being treated the way you are because you tolerate it. Don't tolerate it!!

You haven't stated how old the kids are, but if they're in school they can help around the house.


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## 3kgtmitsu

I don't tolerate it that's why there's fighting and tension in the house. 

Part of the issue is that her Dad is a neat freak.. His place is always spotless.. So she feels pressured to be the same way. The difference is her Dad also does all the work and doesn't berate and antagonize everyone to clean. So it's a bit of a dysfunction. She thinks she's clean and organized, and it's always everyone else's fault that it's not but in reality she isn't putting in the full effort if that's what she wants.. If I saw her really committed to doing it and following thru it would be different.


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## 2ndchanceGuy

My X wife hated anything I ever did. She was very insecure and immature. We did marry young but wow it just got worse. Once the kids were grown she had the gall to start a EA and I kicked her to the curb ! 
No regrets . never been happier !


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## UMP

My man cave barn is literally larger than my house.
My wife knows I like guns and cars and that's just the way it is.
She's fine so long as I meet her needs, emotional, financial, etc.

Like she said the day we got married. "You can do whatever you want to do, just don't ever cheat on me." Been 24 years and she is a woman of her word.


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## truster

My STBXW would always complain about my hobbies and how I didn't do enough around the house. For the last 7 years, 2 were full-time SAHM years, 3 were part-time (day care for 5 hrs or so a day, during the week), and 2 were just no job, no kid. I did tons of chores. We had a cleaning service twice a month. Still complained.

She claimed she needed extra help because was completely swamped while I was at work. I couldn't do the math that made that possible. I proposed that we both account for our hours for a week or two, we can review it, and see why we had so much work to do and needed so much time to do it. She refused and was 'offended'. So I just shut my mouth and did more.

After I caught her cheating (during the day while I was at work, natch), I did all of my own housework (dishes, cooking, laundry, my room, garbage, lawn, shopping, etc). Takes maybe 5 hours a week.

My retrospective on the experience? She needed to think of herself as the busiest person in the relationship, but she was too lazy to actually put the work in. I should've pushed past the righteous anger and really had us do the accounting.. but ultimately I don't think it would have mattered. Maybe forcing the issue will work for you, or maybe people who are able to rationalize that they're the best and the busiest even when they're demonstrably not are just going to be able to rationalize no matter what the facts are. And they can rationalize worse things, too.

Good luck to you, I hope pressing the issues and counseling will wake her up before it gets as far as mine did.


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## dadstartingover

Here's something I wish somebody would've drilled into my head years ago. 

So, your wife doesn't like your perfectly normal and awesome hobby? Who gives a sh*t. Her problem. She's your partner. She should be supportive...just like you are.

The irony? Let's say you drop the hobby to spend more time with her. You know what would happen? Gym time would go up. You'd see less of her. Worst case: down the line X years she says she's not attracted to you anymore. Reason? "You're not the man you used to be." 

Women, can't live with 'em... Can't drive them out to the woods and leave them.


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## 3kgtmitsu

Yeah, I'm not going to push something that's a vital part of who I am out of my life just because that's what she wants. I have resorted to just ignoring it or just stating the obvious truths. I'm not going to resort to mindless bickering which wastes more time than the actual task itself takes. Like I said, it's a control thing. Not an actual need or neglect issue. We did talk to the counselor at one point..and he even said that is fine for everyone to have some 'me' time. Which I thought is pretty obvious lol.

But I have actually gotten her to go to one of the show/races and she has chilled out a lot since then. So we will see if the peace continues. 

More submissive passive guys let women like this just come in and be the boss and tell them when to jump. The more pushy she gets the more stubborn I get, I have always been like that. When i sense people trying to take too much control I like to stuff it right then and there. Not saying I never compromise but I'm definitely not gonna get run over.


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## Dycedarg

I've never understood why guys are afraid to be themselves, at the risk of being by themselves. Most women aren't going to like your hobbies because they're not hobbies that generally cater to women. 

Just be yourself, and she will either find value in you and your relationship, then settle down, or she'll leave. If she does it will be better for both of you, because you can live your life the way you want, and she can pursue someone who caters to her expectations. 

Do people have that much of an aversion to the possibility of being single? 

What are guys afraid of? 

Do you hate having spare money?


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## dadstartingover

Dycedarg said:


> I've never understood why guys are afraid to be themselves, at the risk of being by themselves. Most women aren't going to like your hobbies because they're not hobbies that generally cater to women.
> 
> Just be yourself, and she will either find value in you and your relationship, then settle down, or she'll leave. If she does it will be better for both of you, because you can live your life the way you want, and she can pursue someone who caters to her expectations.
> 
> Do people have that much of an aversion to the possibility of being single?
> 
> What are guys afraid of?
> 
> Do you hate having spare money?


LOL. Perfect. Yes, many men have fear of being alone and serious abandonment issues. I'm actually a guy who prefers my alone time and can't fathom dropping a passion or hobby to appease my woman.


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## Spotthedeaddog

3kgtmitsu said:


> I just think that some women forget that their partner is an individual, and has their own interests and likes...I sure as hell do not like everything she does, but I am not going to try to get in between her and them just over a need for control.


But you're not an individual.

You're a selected accessory like a pair of shoes. Probably not as useful as a handbag.

You exist to provide support for children.
Provide her a house.
Provide her stories to tell her real friends about, and for her friends to commiserate about.
Your purpose is to provide social status and financial security.
And to do repairs and labor for free around the house or to impress friends.

She already has girls as actual friends to actually talk and spend time with, why would she need you as a companion or individual person - you are there to be used.
(when you are deemed no longer useful enough, or something more useful comes along, you will be dumped faster than week old leftovers)


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## FeministInPink

spotthedeaddog said:


> But you're not an individual.
> 
> You're a selected accessory like a pair of shoes. Probably not as useful as a handbag.
> 
> You exist to provide support for children.
> Provide her a house.
> Provide her stories to tell her real friends about, and to commiserate about.
> Your purpose is to provide social status and financial security.
> And to do repairs and labor for free around the house or to impress friends.
> 
> She already has girls as actual friends to actually talk and spend time with, why would she need you as a companion or individual person - you are there to be used.
> (when you are deemed no longer useful enough, or something more useful comes along, you will be dumped faster than week old leftovers)


Bitter much?


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