# what to do



## 123456 (Oct 11, 2010)

My marriage seems to be on the rocks, but I cannot honestly tell what my chances are, and I love my wife and want to make it work.

I had a year long affair in the workplace that arose from a sexual addiction, inadequate stress coping strategies, and general character defects. My wife suspected, and found emails during the course, but I denied although she realized all along and probably wanted me to leave her. Eventually, months after the affair ended, the OW's husband called in to the workplace and sent me emails, the OW attempted to get a restraining order, and the police were called. The entire workplace heard about the event, and my wife found the emails and began contacting the OW's husband and OW. I admitted to the affair, and she threw me out of the house.

After these events, I begged forgiveness and told her I had made a horrible mistake. Eventually she let me back in the house, but things were different, and I began to suspect she was having a revenge affair and had known of my activities for some time. I realized that she had been withdrawn and sleeping on the couch for some time, had bought herself new clothes, began going to the gym, going to the store for long periods without coming home with much, leaving for work early, taking long breaks at work, etc. I also realized that she had moved her mom and nephew in with us at about the same time she found the first emails. 

I then became paranoid and clingy myself. She went to Vegas with a friend and refused to tell me where she was going. She punished me and verbally abuse me, and remained extremely angry, while finding flaws with me as if she was comparing me to someone else. I began to find pens of a local realtor in her car, and asked her about him, but she laughed and denied involvement and said he was gay. However, I have seen other signs and references to him from her nieces, friends and extended family. There have also been comments from third parties made to attempt to make me paranoid, and question the paternity of my own children. He has a web presence, and appears somewhat sexually ambiguous, but he has posted seeming mocking/snarky comments that coincide almost directly with the exposure of the affair and subsequent events (these too are ambiguous, however). He also is admittedly a customer at her work, has several condos in close proximity to that work (which he recently transferred to a corporate trust), and she seems to have a new attitude. Since I became aware of his presence, he is definitely scaled back his internet presence. She also performs differently in the bedroom, and has a different attitude towards sex, which she attributes to not wanting me to cheat on her again. I want to know the truth to determine whether my marriage has a chance. I know I treated her poorly and deserve to be punished myself, but I believe I have suffered, woken up and dealt with my issues, and I do truly love her. She previously asked me to let her go, but I begged her to go to marriage counseling and try to work things out, and we have been doing so. I truly feel like a changed and better person, and want the opportunity to redeem myself and not lose my wife, marriage and family.

Six months have now passed and there have been ups and downs, but I still have doubts and insecurities, and want to confront her or hire a PI or somehow verify, but I don't want to compound the problem, or have it get back to her, and lose her for not trusting her. She also recently became pregnant which gives me obvious worries, but we were very active around the same time (due to her changed attitude), so I believe that she is likely telling the truth that it is mine.

I don't know where to go from here. She has problems trusting me, although it was so traumatic and I wish I had never gotten involved with the affair, and that I had treated my wife better, because I love her and I feel lucky to have her. But if she doesn't want me anymore, and is involved with someone else, I think I deserve or at least want to know about it, so I know what my chances are. I've asked her to renew vows, and get new wedding bands but she is not ready yet (she tried to pawn the engagement ring and wedding band, then threw them at me when she couldn't get as much as she wanted.) In fact, she has stated that she wants a 2 1/2 carat ring, quite a bit beyond our means.

All in all, this has been the most traumatic event of my life, I ended up quitting my job and changing to a new lower paying job because of the event, and feel my reputation is sullied. I want to rebuild my career and my marriage, but unsure what footing we are on. I feel this insatiable need to know whether she is involved with someone else, and want to contact him, but from what I can tell he is a good manipulator and salesperson and might not be able to get the truth. I'm having trouble concentrating at work and giving myself, because I'm having my own trust issues. I've promised her that I will never hurt her again, and I don't intend to, but don't want to be hurt myself. 

The last thing is that we have 2 young children, and it has been very hard on them. My wife believes I just want to stay married for their benefit, and for the child on the way, but really I love her and want to remain together for her mostly.

I guess my question is then, what do I do, do I stay calm and hope for the best, do I confront the potential OM? I feel like I need answers or resolution, and everything seems in flux. I've lost interest in activities I used to enjoy, have contemplated suicide, unable to concentrate at work, and unsure what direction my life is going to take. Please someone give me some guidance.


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## 123456 (Oct 11, 2010)

I really have this urge to contact the guy, even though it is just intuition rather than facts or evidence, but is this best or right? Should I just trust my wife, given what I did?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

The best defense is a good offense. Don't wait! Start checking around and see what you can find out. Stay mellow at home and don't give away any secrets. Good luck


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## 123456 (Oct 11, 2010)

Problem is that she (and probably he) are smarter than me in my guilt ridden and anxious state, and so I'm at a distinctive disadvantage. So I'm left with the option of believing/ignoring, confonting him or hiring a PI. It's a quandry.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I believe it's time for a PI. You aren't in a good emotional state to uncover something on your own. This can stay between you and them and your wife doesn't have to know unless you choose to tell her. You owe it to yourself to get out of the limbo that your marriage is and pointed in the same direction
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

She might be having a revenge affair. When my husband cheated I sometimes wished there was some convenient guy around that I could use to hurt him with, so that he would hurt like I was hurting. 

Or you might just be projecting, knowing what you yourself were capable of. When my husband was cheating on me, he was suddenly paranoid, jealous and suspicious of me, which was patently ridiculous, since I don't have a single male friend, work mostly from home, don't text, and am home every single night.

Try a keylogger and a few things like that before hiring a PI, because holy expensive batman. For real.


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## 123456 (Oct 11, 2010)

I've tried the keylogger and not come up with much except anothe email unused except for logging the OW's email contact, some searches for divorce, and her nieces' twitter acct, which has references to the guy's name. GPS and microphone didnt reveal much either.

I recognize I may be projecting, could be revenge cheating, or revenge appearance of cheating. Feel like my only option is to either confront OM or hire PI which would be prohibitively expensive. If I could confirm that the guy was gay, that could ease my anxiety, but there are always switch hitters.


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## 123456 (Oct 11, 2010)

Can anyone give me advice on confronting the potential OM? I have a lot of circumstantial evidence, but no proof, and no real chance other than hiring a cost prohibitive PI. The downside is his potential denial and manipulation, and telling wife to harm the relationship. The upside is the chance, however slim, that he tells the truth and that I believe the truth. My intuition is on high alert, however, and I think I know the truth, just repeated denials from her.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I see absolutely no reason to contact the other man. At all. If the affair is ongoing, he may lie to you, he may not. If it is over, he may lie to you, he may not. He may be angry at your wife, and do all he can to harm your marriage.

Regardless, he is the kind of man who would sleep with a married woman. You can't trust him, and any confrontation will simply end up with two grown men assuming threatening postures near each other, each one trying to intimidate the other. That's all, and it is a waste of time.

And in the end, you'll come home STILL doubting it all. I believe that is because you are looking for the answers to the wrong questions. 

The important question - the one your marriage is hinged upon - is not who did you sleep with, but why did this happen. It happened TWICE - you did it once, now she is. 

An affair is a symptom of a sick marriage, _not the cause_. Find out what the troubles are and begin to solve them, and the rest will fall into place.


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## 123456 (Oct 11, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. I still have this burning desire to know whether my wife is serious about working out the marriage, or whether she is involved with someone else. This is always in the back of my mind, along with the guilt for what I did.

We seem to be doing okay, she tells me she loves me, and that she wants to be with me, but just not to cheat on or lie to her again. But at the same time, i feel she is more distant, evasive, and may be or have been involved with someone else. She has also stated that she knew about my affair during the time, that I was oblivious to her knowledge, and that the phone call from the OW's husband only confirmed. She said she was just waiting for me to leave. Sometimes I still have the feeling that she is waiting, or hoping for me to leave, but I would prefer to believe her and that everything is going to be OK.

She is also pregnant, and became pregnant in May, only 2 months after she officially found out about my affair. We were often intimate during this time, so I believe that the baby is mine, but there are still doubts in the back of my head. But I believe she may be just holding on until the baby is born, and then may have plans to leave me for this other person. I know that she was not ready to get pregnant, and try to focus more on her feelings.

She has also moved her nephew and mother into our home because their living situation was not good. I went along and did not raise a fuss because I agreed that they were in a bad place, and did not want to stress our fragile relationship. At the same time, she does not want my parents to see the children, because my parents took my child to the doctor and told him that they suspected abuse (which was not true, to my knowledge). She took that as a sign that they were blaming her. They also took pictures when she threw my clothes in the garage when she was kicking me out of the house (which I pay the mortgage on).

I ended up taking a different job because I could not concentrate at my old job after everything blew up out of the affair. But I am having difficulty moving on and concentrating on work, because my confidence is shaken, still feel guilty, and don't know what the future holds. I am just filled with deep regret for my actions. I am depressed and feel negative, except for those instances when my wife shows affection or love towards me, rather than annoyance, frustration or anger.

I am trying to work on myself and be a loyal and loving husband and father, trying to show her that I care, especially now that she is pregnant. We went to marriage therapy for some time, which helped. It's just a very trying time, and I think we are both under stress and trying to do our best. My new job also pays less, so there are money worries, including worries about paying for the mortgage, etc.

Can anyone offer me some help please?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I'm not sure what you are asking: what is the problem you for which you need help from this forum?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you doing to work on the marriage?


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## 123456 (Oct 11, 2010)

I went to marriage counseling for about 6 months. I also went to individual counseling for about the same length of time. I changed jobs and cut off contact with almost everyone from the job. I had cut off contact with the woman much before that. I have given access to my email, cell phone, bank accounts and credit cards. I have tried to trust her and given her time to heal. I have tried to show her that I love her every single day, without seeming too needy or clingy (this has been hard). Her pregnancy has made things tough, because we were not trying to become pregnant, but I have tried to make things easy for her by doing all the chores, helping more with the kids, giving her massages, etc. I'm letting her nephew and mother stay with us and supporting them. I bought her a new wedding ring and band to replace the old one that she didn't want and tried to pawn. I'm trying to show her that I have changed. Trouble is that I'm not sure where she stands. Although she says she loves me and wants to stay together, I still question and overanalyze her, and sometimes distrust her. She makes comments about karma, still states that she has never slept with anyone else, but there are all kinds of signs that she is different in her approach to the relationship and sex, and may have been involved with someone. Any suggestions on what else I should be doing?


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## 123456 (Oct 11, 2010)

Basically, the problem I need help resolving is how to resolve my issues with trusting my wife, resolve her issues with trusting me, and improve my marriage, given all of the crazy stuff that happened.


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## Needhelp911 (Nov 14, 2010)

It sounds like she hasn't forgiven you. The comments she made about karma and telling you she never slept with anyone else shows that she hasn't forgiven you yet. Is there anyway you could go to MC counseling again? This time say its because you need it and you want to do it for yourself. Make it seem like its about you then once you get there you can mention forgiveness. Ask her if she can forgive you and start off from a clean slate. It doesn't mean she will trust you completely but at least if she forgives you she won't be thinking about punishing you so much.


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