# Losing hope, please help



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I know this sounds stupid but I don't want to get divorced I just want my husband to treat me better. In my head I have an idea of respectable and acceptable behavior, and when my husband crosses that line into "bad behavior", I always say something and explain why it's not respectable Behavior, how I don't want to be treated this way... Blah blah. But it's like talking to a rock. Nothing changes, he doesn't seem to get it no matter what I do, he gets frustrated and acts like I'm always mad at something. So I am unhappy in my marriage bc I don't want to be treated how he treats me. This treatment is new within the last 8 months, nothing particular happened but our marriage has just been going down hill. The problem is... What he does is nothing THAT bad that it's divorceable. He's just acting like a ****, and being disrespectful to me in small everyday living. 
So my question is... What can I do? I try to be firm and stand my ground and do my best to explain to him everything but he literally doesn't get it, he gets defensive and we can go around and around with the fighting. How do I establish boundaries? Like if he does something wrong am I supose to be mad at him forever until he gets it? The problem is, I get mad and nothing changes and I can't be mad forever so I eventually let it go... So we literally have the same fights bc nothing is addressed. The problem is nothing I do or say makes a difference and I am going crazy.

So here was the most recent fight. My husband went to talk to his parents on the phone in the other room. We have issues with his parents bc they are IMO controlling, overstepping their boundaries, thinks it's OUR life (me my husband and them), and you give them an inch they take a mile type of people. We have had many fights about them but my husband and I have discussed (aka me telling him), that information about our personal life should be kept between just us as to not invite them into our life on such a personal level. So I'm really weird about money and talking about it. So I've told him I don't want them to know ever about our finances, how much we get paid, how much our house/cars cost ect. Because to me it's none of their business and people are so judgey about how people spend their money and they are way too opinionated about everything and they shouldn't have a say in some parts of our life. Anyway, I hear them talking (they were on speaker phone), I hear my husband talk about how we will probably have to pay a lot of money in taxes this year (like last year and they know how much we had to pay), and I heard him say... Katie made $x amount of money this year. I was soo irate. BTW I am a full time student that does 40 HR clinicals a week so I can't really work. He basically live off our student loans but that's besides the point. My husband and I will both make good money when we're done, he's a resident so right now we just have to struggle with student loans. So his mother goes... THATS IT!! How do you guys live?!?!? And he goes on about how he makes $x and we use our student loans blah blah. I was so mad I send him an anger text message to shut the F up and stop talking about that to them! Anyway, when he was off the phone he was so upset with me for my anger message and basically said he did nothing wrong. I talked to him about how we already had this fight, and we talked about not telling them information about our finances and we born agreed and we were both on the same page and then I hear him telling them such Personal info that I know he knows he shouldn't do. Anyway, he doesn't admit doing anything wrong, got upset that we were fighting on his one day off, he kept focusing on the fact that we fight so much and I was trying to get Him to understand but of course he didn't. But them he said somthing that made me cry... He said, I feel like you are putting a wedge between the 3 of us (me, him, and his parents). I was dumbfounded. Bc I think that his parents are putting a wedge between US the married couple uk, and I just couldn't believe he actually thought that. Nothing got resolved, we went to bed In separate rooms and when I woke up he was off at work bc he's on call so I won't see him till tomorrow. I'm beyond hurt and frustrated and I don't l ow what to do. I just can't believe what comes out of his mouth...


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

So other than him talking to his parents about money, how are they controlling? 

Maybe instead of being controlling, they are just making sure their son is not starving. 

Can you give examples of their controlling behavior?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

Maybe I'm cynical but why do I get the impression your husband is crying the blues to his parents about money so maybe they will feel sorry for him/you and toss a little cash his way? Do they every help you out financially? 

I understand you being upset with him sharing information that you asked him not to, that's disrespectful, I'm just wondering what his goal was. He's either has different values about privacy than you, he is passively hinting he needs some cash, or he's trying to disparage your contribution.

Which one is it?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

*Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> In my head I have an idea of respectable and acceptable behavior, and when my husband crosses that line into "bad behavior", I always say something and explain why it's not respectable Behavior, how I don't want to be treated this way... Blah blah. But it's like talking to a rock. Nothing changes, he doesn't seem to get it no matter what I do, he gets frustrated and acts like I'm always mad at something. So I am unhappy in my marriage bc I don't want to be treated how he treats me. This treatment is new within the last 8 months, nothing particular happened but our marriage has just been going down hill. The problem is... What he does is nothing THAT bad that it's divorceable. He's just acting like a ****, and being disrespectful to me in small everyday living.
> 
> . ...




You want him to respect you, yet you wrote: 



katiecrna said:


> I was so mad I send him an anger text message to shut the F up and stop talking about that to them! .



I can't and refuse to respect someone who tells me to shut the **** up. I wouldn't even have a convo with someone like that until they apologize. You can express your anger with telling someone to shut the f up. 




katiecrna said:


> . Because to me it's none of their business and people are so judgey about how people spend their money and they are way too opinionated about everything and they shouldn't have a say in some parts of our life. So his mother goes... THATS IT!! How do you guys live?!?!? And he goes on about how he makes $x and we use our student loans blah blah. He said, I feel like you are putting a wedge between the 3 of us (me, him, and his parents). I was dumbfounded. Bc I think that his parents are putting a wedge between US the married couple uk, and I just couldn't believe he actually thought that. Nothing got resolved, we went to bed In separate rooms and when I woke up he was off at work bc he's on call so I won't see him till tomorrow. I'm beyond hurt and frustrated and I don't l ow what to do. I just can't believe what comes out of his mouth...




I don't see how his parents are controlling. Maybe you need to give more information. A lot of parents wouldn't applaud their kids for loving off of student loans. 

You're kind of putting a wedge between your husband, in laws and you because you don't want to hear other opinions that don't match what you want to hear.

I just went back and read some of your other threads. Your in laws aren't the issue. Your husband is. He doesn't respect you AT.ALL.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



Zanne said:


> Boundaries seem reasonable, but you need to be more flexible because this is his family you are dealing with. In my opinion, you WILL end up divorced after your husband leaves you because you are driving him away with your anger and demands. You actually sound like the controlling one. You are making this about YOU and it is already affecting your marriage. Don't make him choose between you and his parents. Be more understanding of his position. Have you read any relationship books? The 5 Love Languages is a good start.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wrong, he should have chosen her over his parents when he took vows. I agree with OP, he should not be talking about their finances with his parents. It's NOTB. It upsets her and he knows it but he continues to do it. I would be upset if my husband did that. He needs to cut the cord with his parents and be a better husband. He needs to make you first not his parents. He needs better boundaries with them.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



Lostme said:


> So other than him talking to his parents about money, how are they controlling?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




So I don't know if your familiar with Italian parenting and the inappropriate co dependent relationship they CAN have. My in laws brainwash him and his brother from day one. They put all this stuff in their head about family and living close by. They help him out "financially" (this is bulk****, they didnt pay a dime of his student loans undergrad or grad, and they give him/us $100 here and here, like every couple of months), but they act like they are supporting us. And they always say.... Oh we do so much for you, blah blah blah and they establish this guilt, and it's an understanding that my husband owes them something in the future (aka live in the crappy town they live in). So my husband has incredible guilt from being away from them for so long (bc when they talk, they act so sad, and talk about how they are alone and miss is so much and are really looking forward to the grand kids and oh when you have grand kids in going to come ever everyday and spoil them blah blah) My husband has told me, that he knows he won't be happy moving back "home", and he knows that he will be depressed, but he still has to move back bc his parents and it's somthing I won't understand. 
His parents when we were first married.... We went home (7hrs away) for the first time. And we didn't know how to handle spending the limited amount of time we had which was just a weekend and divide it between or parents bc my parents live 5 miles away. So we decided he would sleep in his parents house and j would sleep in my parents, then get together during the day. We were young and we didn't know how to handle it. His mother freaked the F out of me. She called me over to her house, we sat at the table, it was me and my husband and my In laws and she flipped. Slammed her hand in the table, and said your married! Don't you think you should be sleeping in the same bed!! Putting her finger in my face. My husband didn't say a word even though I was kicking him under the table. I said um.. Not necessarily. We are just figuring things out and what works best for us it's not a big deal. She flipped again. Then I said... (Oops) frankly it's none of your business where we sleep. She freaked, she it was her business and things Went crazy. 

When they come over to visit, they don't ask me they invite themselves up. They literally walk in and take over our small apartment. They invite themselves up for holidays forcing me to entertain. 

They get mad at my husband when he doesn't call them EVERYDAY! 

His dad who is religious gets "wisdom" and puts it on him. For example, he called and said that he knows that my husband has been drinking too much bc it came to him from God. And he preaches and lectures him on this. (My husband doesn't really drink at all). But there is no telling him this. 

They tell us that they will be coming over everyday when we move home. I heard them say to my husband on speaker phone... Oh we're coming over whenever we want and you can't say anything to us. 
Don't get me started with the grandkids that we don't have yet...

Idk sorry I rambled. There is just so many examples of their crazy controlling behavior. They are miserable together so they NEED their kids to make them happy and they created a live in their head of what it will be like and my husband has too much build and feels bad for them to say no. Also they flip out when you say anything against them.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



Cooper said:


> Maybe I'm cynical but why do I get the impression your husband is crying the blues to his parents about money so maybe they will feel sorry for him/you and toss a little cash his way? Do they every help you out financially?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He is super manipulative and loves to be the hard working victim. He for sure paints a sad picture of our life so they will give him money. And they give us $100 here and there. This not to be mean is not significant. But they act like they are supporting us. Then my husband becames all dramatic and says without them we will be broke!!! Um relax, we are no where near being broke. My husband is a spoiled brat who doesn't want to lower his nice quality of living. We have a condo that we pay more than $2,000 a month, we have the best cable, Internet, a nice TV, 2 brand new iPhones, a Mac labtop and decktop, a new ipadmini, a regular iPad, he has a brand new Mercedes that he leased (against my wishes). And he has the audacity to paint a horrible hardworking poor boy struggling to make ends meet picture .


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Loosing hope, please help*

I don't fall for his manipulative dramatic bull**** ways. But his parents sure do. And they make everything about him. He literally doesn't have to do anything bc he works too hard, or doesn't sleep enough, or is too stressed from work. It's all bull.
Who isn't tired and sleep deprived and hardworking?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

Your husband sounds like he's not really his own man, yet. And that his parents don't want their son to grow up, and be his own man. That's a tough spot for you to be in, because they are encouraging him to remain immature and codependent on them. Did you notice these signs when you were just dating?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



*Deidre* said:


> Your husband sounds like he's not really his own man, yet. And that his parents don't want their son to grow up, and be his own man. That's a tough spot for you to be in, because they are encouraging him to remain immature and codependent on them. Did you notice these signs when you were just dating?




I noticed these signs when we were dating. But my husband always told me that when we get married it will be different, and he can be his own person and he's not like them. We are Christian. We didn't live together or have sex before we were married. And before we get married, we need to respect and abid by our parents. So he told me that it will be different when we get married bc then we will be husband and wife and that means we become our own family things will change. Wrongo.
However I have always been the same. Strong willed, huge feminist, way more liberal than them and he knew this and knew I wasn't going to be a subservient wife of that makes sense.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> I don't fall for his manipulative dramatic bull**** ways. But his parents sure do. And they make everything about him. He literally doesn't have to do anything bc he works too hard, or doesn't sleep enough, or is too stressed from work. It's all bull.
> Who isn't tired and sleep deprived and hardworking?




Your husband works 80-100 hours a week, yet it's bull**** that he's stressed, tired and sleep deprived. I see issues on both sides. He has to work on some things, and you have to work on your issues as well. MC might help you too, but I doubt you guys have the time for it. So, you might want to buy books on relationships.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> 1. His parents when we were first married.... We went home (7hrs away) for the first time. And we didn't know how to handle spending the limited amount of time we had which was just a weekend and divide it between or parents bc my parents live 5 miles away. So we decided he would sleep in his parents house and j would sleep in my parents, then get together during the day. We were young and we didn't know how to handle it. His mother freaked the F out of me. She called me over to her house, we sat at the table, it was me and my husband and my In laws and she flipped. Slammed her hand in the table, and said your married! Don't you think you should be sleeping in the same bed!! Putting her finger in my face. My husband didn't say a word even though I was kicking him under the table. I said um.. Not necessarily. We are just figuring things out and what works best for us it's not a big deal. She flipped again. Then I said... (Oops) frankly it's none of your business where we sleep. She freaked, she it was her business and things Went crazy.
> 
> 2. When they come over to visit, they don't ask me they invite themselves up. They literally walk in and take over our small apartment. They invite themselves up for holidays forcing me to entertain. They get mad at my husband when he doesn't call them EVERYDAY!
> 
> ...



1. What did you mean by "things went crazy"? I would be upset if the above happened to me; however I'd be upset at my husband who sat there and didn't say anything. Again, the problem is your husband lack of boundaries with his parents. 

2. I hope you don't change your plans to accommodate them. Again, that's something your husband needs to fix. If I were you, I wouldn't care about them being upset when your husband doesn't call daily. 

3. I fail to see the relevance of this paragraph. However, It shows that you don't respect his father. 

4. Again, your husband needs to step up. 

5. You don't respect them. How do you know that they are miserable together? If your financial status is none of their business than their relationship is none of your business.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> I noticed these signs when we were dating. But my husband always told me that when we get married it will be different, and he can be his own person and he's not like them. We are Christian. We didn't live together or have sex before we were married. And before we get married, we need to respect and abid by our parents. So he told me that it will be different when we get married bc then we will be husband and wife and that means we become our own family things will change. Wrongo.
> However I have always been the same. Strong willed, huge feminist, way more liberal than them and he knew this and knew I wasn't going to be a subservient wife of that makes sense.


Maybe you both should get back to your Christian roots. A husband is to lead in the household, and by that, I don't mean that the wife as no say. That part of Scripture is often distorted. It means that together you make decisions, but that you both need to respect each other, but that you let him lead as a man. When you go to work, are there several CEO's running the company? There's usually just one. This doesn't mean that the CEO doesn't consult everyone who reports to him, but he makes the deciding decision. But, given that authority, he has to show that he is capable of being in that position. So, maybe this is something you and your husband can works towards. Instead of competing for who should get the last say, start working as a team. Tell him about the Christian view of things, if you are both Christians, that would be a good starting point. My fiance and I are Christians, too...I'm also rather independent, but I do wish for him to be the spiritual leader of the household, when we marry. And it is also Scriptural, that a man leaves his family and 'clings' to his wife. His parents while they may mean well, they are too immersed in your lives. He is a grown man now, time to stop turning to them for every little thing that goes wrong. 

I hope things get better for you both. With God, all things are possible.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



spinsterdurga said:


> 1. What did you mean by "things went crazy"? I would be upset if the above happened to me; however I'd be upset at my husband who sat there and didn't say anything. Again, the problem is your husband lack of boundaries with his parents.
> 
> 2. I hope you don't change your plans to accommodate them. Again, that's something your husband needs to fix. If I were you, I wouldn't care about them being upset when your husband doesn't call daily.
> 
> ...




The problem is not his parents. I know that. They are controlling, over the top, overprotective, overwhelming Italians, who do what they want when they want bc they think they have the authority. That's just cultural, and they will never change, trust me I know that. My post is about my husband. My husband doesn't say anything to them, my husband doesn't put up boundaries, and my husband will never ever say anything to his parents bc he's passive aggressive and will never put himself in a situation where there is conflict. The problem is my husband, and his inability to make me a priority, and to take my feelings and wishes seriously. My husband doesn't want to deal with conflict so he doesn't take a side, doesn't stand up for anything, doesn't address issues. 

1. Things went crazy as in.... I kicked my husband under the table. He didn't say anything. My FIL started to attack me too. And my husband didn't say anything. I finally said to him... Are you going to say somthing? And his mother said DONT GET HIM INVOLVED! I was irate, and I was about to cry or flip out. So before that happened I stood up and I walked out of the house and I said I won't stay in a place that talks to me like this. I walked out, my husband came with me. I was hysterical. My husband didn't see what he did wrong. It was my husband that I was mad at. But my in laws shouldn't put me in that position, they know better. They shouldn't try to come between husband and wife. Why couldn't they say somthing to my husband instead of me???? My in laws were so upset ron my husband that they didn't talk to him for like a month. My husband was so upset bc he made his parents so upset!!! He was wrong, but so were his parents. 

2. Everytime they come up... They overstay their welcome. And most of the time my husband is on call and isn't home for the entire day and night so I'm left with them. So I feel like I have to entertain them and I do. It's so much stress for me when they come up bc it's me who has to do everything and they literally take over all the rooms in our small condo.

3. His father talks down to you, and at you. Not with you. There is just too many things to say about this one. He is a little strange, but that's find. I respect him like a respect a normal person. He does not have a higher respect level and anyone else.

4. Yes my husband needs to step up. But he doesn't, and he won't bc he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior. Ever. That's the point of my post. 

5. They are miserable together bc I know it, my husband tells me, and so does my brother in law. That's why my husband feels so bad for them and feels like he needs to be there. These people never hang out together, they never laugh, they never go on vacation together (ever), they never do anything. He doesn't like movies or music or really anything. He goes to bed really early everynight. She stays up and hangs out with her other son and watch movies. If her son isn't home, she texts me at night saying she is bored and her husband is sleeping and she can't wait till I move there so she can come over at times like this. Their relationship is none of my business. I would never ever ever say anything to them or give them any advice about their relationship. But they are constantly giving us relationship advice, and getting involved with our finances. (Yes this is bc my husband tells them). 

The point of my post is about my husband, not his parents. I would never expect them to change.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



*Deidre* said:


> Maybe you both should get back to your Christian roots. A husband is to lead in the household, and by that, I don't mean that the wife as no say. That part of Scripture is often distorted. It means that together you make decisions, but that you both need to respect each other, but that you let him lead as a man. When you go to work, are there several CEO's running the company? There's usually just one. This doesn't mean that the CEO doesn't consult everyone who reports to him, but he makes the deciding decision. But, given that authority, he has to show that he is capable of being in that position. So, maybe this is something you and your husband can works towards. Instead of competing for who should get the last say, start working as a team. Tell him about the Christian view of things, if you are both Christians, that would be a good starting point. My fiance and I are Christians, too...I'm also rather independent, but I do wish for him to be the spiritual leader of the household, when we marry. And it is also Scriptural, that a man leaves his family and 'clings' to his wife. His parents while they may mean well, they are too immersed in your lives. He is a grown man now, time to stop turning to them for every little thing that goes wrong.
> 
> I hope things get better for you both. With God, all things are possible.




I have tried to get him to step up and be the spiritual leader in our home. He didn't. I asked him to, and his response was... It's just not my personality. I have seen our plaster about it as well. Again I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do and he will do what he wants to do regardless of what I say. :/


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> I have tried to get him to step up and be the spiritual leader in our home. He didn't. I asked him to, and his response was... It's just not my personality. I have seen our plaster about it as well. Again I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do and he will do what he wants to do regardless of what I say. :/


Give it some time. 

He needs to step away from his parents having an influence in his marriage. My parents are quite wealthy, and my dad is always offering us money. He's paying for the entire wedding, etc and so I want them to be involved with the wedding decisions. But my dad can sometimes offer money as a way to keep a foot hold in my life. I know him. lol  My fiance doesn't want that to continue when we're married, so I had a long talk with my dad, that he needs to respect my relationship. He does, it is hard for him to back away, but he's definitely trying, and things are good. Your husband has to have THAT KIND of conversation with them. It's not fair to put you in that position, he has to do it. I understand where you're coming from, even though our situations are different, if I didn't say anything, my dad would be steamrolling all decisions between my fiance and me. But, he's not because I had a talk with him. So, just respectfully have these talks with your husband, and eventually...hopefully, they will back away a bit. 

What your husband needs to understand isn't that you have a huge issue with his parents, per se...but rather, it shows a lack of respect for you, as his wife. You ask for him to not say anything, and he does...and he persists in ignoring your requests, just shows a lack of respect. That's the message that he needs to get.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



Zanne said:


> Boundaries seem reasonable, but you need to be more flexible because this is his family you are dealing with. In my opinion, you WILL end up divorced after your husband leaves you because you are driving him away with your anger and demands. You actually sound like the controlling one. You are making this about YOU and it is already affecting your marriage. Don't make him choose between you and his parents. Be more understanding of his position. Have you read any relationship books? The 5 Love Languages is a good start.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Thanks for your input. What demands do I have that are unreasonably? The problem is, everything is all about my husband. We both agreed it would be best if we don't talk about finances. This is not the first fight we have had about him talking to them about finances. I was upset, we talked about it, and we agreed not to do this. Then he does it again.... 
I am flexible. I have very low expectations of him. All I want is for him to say sorry, I shouldn't have told them about our finances, I know it bothers you. But he didn't. He kept arguing with me and said he didn't do anything wrong even though he admits to agreeing to not talking to them about our finances...

I am not the problem. I put up with a lot from him, I do everything for him, a lot for his family, He works hard, I get it. My expectations I have for him are to very low. Don't be a **** and show me respect. If it bothers me when you talk to ur parents about our finances and you agree to not do it.... Telling them how much i make a year, how much he makes and how we live off student loans and how much taxes we have to pay is in my opinion way out of line. 

If we make a decision to sleep In separate houses and ur mom and dad are yelling at me sticking their finger in my face and telling us where we should sleep, and you don't say anything after I kick you under the table... That is a problem. 

If I tell you not to buy a specific car bc it's too expensive and we can't afford it (shared account) and to keep looking around. And you come home, call me and say come outside, and your in that exact car that I told you 2 hrs ago not to buy.... There is a problem. But I'm glad he is driving around in a brand new Mercedes that my student loans paid for, while I drive in my old paid off Toyota bc I'm trying to conserve money... Yet he says his without his parents $100 every couple of months we will go broke... 

The problem is he has a lack of respect for me, he has an inability to see anyone's point of view but his, he never acknlowdges he was wrong, EVER.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



*Deidre* said:


> Give it some time.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He knows it's him and not his parents. I've had this conversation so many times over the 5 years we have been married and we have gotten into so many fights over the same thing. The bottom line is.... He will never say somthing to his parents. That's what he told me. He said he can't physically do it bc he will have a stroke. Yes he's dramatic lol. But he has admitted to me, he won't do it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> He knows it's him and not his parents. I've had this conversation so many times over the 5 years we have been married and we have gotten into so many fights over the same thing. The bottom line is.... He will never say somthing to his parents. That's what he told me. He said he can't physically do it bc he will have a stroke. Yes he's dramatic lol. But he has admitted to me, he won't do it.


He may someday, never know. The moral of this story, people rarely change behaviors that need to change, when they marry. The person you're dating, bad behaviors and all, will most likely be the same person after marriage. People who cheat during the dating stage, usually cheat when they're married. People who are toxic, are usually still toxic after marriage. Marriage doesn't change anyone. Here's another thing, you don't have children yet. Of the marriages that I've seen crash and burn, some thought that adding kids into the mix would change things for the better. Rarely is that ever the case. So, before you bring kids into this, think long and hard if you can see this being a marriage that you can tolerate. If your husband continues to allow his parents to be this much a part of your everyday lives, can you accept that forever? That's what you need to think about, I guess.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

Thanks. I'm exhausted. I feel like I can't stay above water, and having to explain everything in so much detail over and over again is killing me, and it's so infuriating when he still doesn't get it. I feel like I'm in a twilight zone movie. I am left feeling so exhausted, hurt, and alone. I want a husband to help support me, and comfort me. Not one that I have to explain everything over and over again to get him to see my point or why I'm upset or even to get him to acknowledge my feelings. I am drowning, and my husband is looking over the edge asking me how I got there in the first place.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

I understand. For now, just don't bring kids into this until you're sure you see this marriage working for the long term.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

Been there where you are. No one respects you. You are irrelevant to them. I solved my problem by pursuing my career and finally placed an ultimatum to my husband. I was leaving my situation, with or without my husband. We moved away from the state. We were 22 years old and 24 years old (husband) then. That was 36 years ago.

Respect yourself and carve a life for you, free of drama. If your husband places you in front of everyone else, then he is for you. If not, move on. Your life will be miserable if you stay in this situation. Take it from a 58 year old career woman.

Successful and happy individuals write their own ending. Write yours!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



Happilymarried25 said:


> *Wrong, he should have chosen her over his parents when he took vows.* I agree with OP, he should not be talking about their finances with his parents. It's NOTB. It upsets her and he knows it but he continues to do it. I would be upset if my husband did that. He needs to cut the cord with his parents and be a better husband. He needs to make you first not his parents. He needs better boundaries with them.


:wtf:

Seriously? So, when people get married they have to cut their own families off?

That's wrong on so many levels.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> Thanks. I'm exhausted. I feel like I can't stay above water, and having to explain everything in so much detail over and over again is killing me, and it's so infuriating when he still doesn't get it. I feel like I'm in a twilight zone movie. I am left feeling so exhausted, hurt, and alone. I want a husband to help support me, and comfort me. Not one that I have to explain everything over and over again to get him to see my point or why I'm upset or even to get him to acknowledge my feelings. I am drowning, and my husband is looking over the edge asking me how I got there in the first place.


I think you both need counselling, individual and couple's counselling.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



MattMatt said:


> :wtf:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Who said anything about cutting family off? Nobody. Look everyone has a different view on how marriage should work. We are Christian. Like really Christian. As in... Man leaves his parents to join his wife in marriage, two become one and a covenant is formed. Now his job as husband takes priority over role as son. Th dynamic changes by no one is cut off. 
We believe that we stand up and defend our spouse in front of everyone even if they are wrong, then when you get home, you pull them a side and tell him, hey you were wrong blah blah. But it's important to have a united front that no one can penetrate. We are a team. There is only one covenant mentioned in the bible and that is between husband and wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> Who said anything about cutting family off? Nobody. Look everyone has a different view on how marriage should work. We are Christian. Like really Christian. As in... Man leaves his parents to join his wife in marriage, two become one and a covenant is formed. Now his job as husband takes priority over role as son. Th dynamic changes by no one is cut off.
> We believe that we stand up and defend our spouse in front of everyone even if they are wrong, then when you get home, you pull them a side and tell him, hey you were wrong blah blah. But it's important to have a united front that no one can penetrate. We are a team. There is only one covenant mentioned in the bible and that is between husband and wife.


Unfortunately HappilyMarried25 *did* say that.

They actually said:



> Wrong, he should have chosen her over his parents when he took vows.


I did not find that helpful.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

your complaining your husband is disrespectful, but you send him a text telling him to shut the F up. Let me guess he doesn't let you boss him around and micro manage his life so you stay angry at him all the time. Maybe he is just defending himself.
Reading some more, I think your a LITTLE controlling.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> The point of my post is about my husband, not his parents. I would never expect them to change.


Don't expect him to change either.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



tornado said:


> your complaining your husband is disrespectful, but you send him a text telling him to shut the F up. Let me guess he doesn't let you boss him around and micro manage his life so you stay angry at him all the time. Maybe he is just defending himself.
> Reading some more, I think your a LITTLE controlling.




I lost my temper with him like I do sometimes bc he makes me nutty. I told him I was sorry that I texted him those things, and I meant it. I always apologize when I loose my temper bc I know it is never ok. 

My husband does whatever he wants to do regardless of my thoughts and feelings and even if I say don't do that. 

Please explain to me how I am controlling? Bc I think it's u appropriate to tell his parents how much I make, and how much he makes, and how much we have to pay in taxes, and how we are living off my student loans. To me, finances are personal, and no ones business. That's how I was raised. 

I have very little expectations for him in this marriage. I do not ask a lot from him.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

My husband cannot have an adult conversation. It's impossible to get through to him. He does whatever he wants to do and will avoid conflict at all costs.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> I lost my temper with him like I do sometimes bc he makes me nutty. I told him I was sorry that I texted him those things, and I meant it. I always apologize when I loose my temper bc I know it is never ok.


This sounds like you're justifying your poor behavior. You didn't lose your temper because he made you nutty. No one makes you lose your temper. Your temper is yours to control. It's never ok to text something like that to your spouse and an apology doesn't somehow make it better.

Your concerns about your husband's lack of respect are valid and it sounds like you have a pretty crappy in law situation. It doesn't make what you texted okay. The fact that you're trying to minimize what you did shows that there's an issue with respect on both sides. 

You say you lose your temper with him "sometimes". How often is "sometimes"?


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> My husband cannot have an adult conversation. It's impossible to get through to him. He does whatever he wants to do and will avoid conflict at all costs.


I wouldn't want to talk to someone who told me to STFU either. If my husband ever said that to me, I'd be reconsidering our marriage.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> tornado said:
> 
> 
> > your complaining your husband is disrespectful, but you send him a text telling him to shut the F up. Let me guess he doesn't let you boss him around and micro manage his life so you stay angry at him all the time. Maybe he is just defending himself.
> ...


That's what controlling people say. They lose their temper, show their butt and then think "sorry" makes it better. I bet you try to have parent/child relationships with everybody. (You being the parent and what you say goes) I've deal with people like you everyday and they're all the same. They all have the same story. It's someone's fault they lose their temper and make them act immature. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

He doesn't know how to stand up to them. He wasn't raised to know how. The mere thought of standing up to them probably makes him want to throw up. The only way he would ever be able to do so is with at least a year or two of therapy.

Your behavior is making him miserable, too. Are you aware of that? You're turning into his mother. You're overbearing, you use guilt and anger to try to control him. You talk down to him. You cuss at him.

So tell me WHY he would want to please you? You make him feel as bad as his parents.

You can't make him change. What you CAN do is alter what YOU do. And most therapists would tell you that the only solution you have at your disposal is to start using boundaries and consequences. There are tons of books on this you can read. But basically, you set a boundary about what you will and won't accept, and then you put into effect a resulting consequence if the bad thing happens. Quick example: if he yells at you, you leave the room. Not being yelled at is your boundary, leaving the room is the consequence you enact to protect yourself. It's not about changing the other person; it's about you doing what you need to have a better life. The other person is then free to change or adapt...or to watch you enact your consequence.

This takes the emotion out of the situation, keeps you from having the 'F you' moments, keeps the two of you from getting more and more disconnected from each other.

Of course, you have to be willing to monitor your OWN actions and ensure you aren't being similarly treating him poorly, or he will just decide you have to have your own way, and he'll get tired of the one-way situation.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

Thanks for the Input everyone. I do loose my temper every once in a while during an argument. My husband has passive aggressive personality and it can get very frustrating at times and sometimes I loose my temper, not always. 
I am at my last straw. I use to be the best most amazing wife to him and he did not treat me good. He never apologized and I always let things go. I tried to be the bigger person. Now I am on my last thread. I've been very stressed and busy lately and when I need him he's lot helpful. He is emotionally exhausting and talking to him makes everything worse.
We have a parent/child relationship now but trust me it's not bc I want it. He literally will do everything to avoid conflict, yet he continues with hurtful behavior. I have to be the parent to get him to talk about an issue and if anyone knows about passive aggressive behavior, he try's to switch subjects blame other things and Denys everynight, so I need to keep him on tract bc he always gets away with murder bc he exhausts me way before addressing an issue. 

Why would he want to please me? Because he wants to stay married to me. I told him as he is now, I can't stay in this marriage any longer. He wants to work it out, he needs to change or else I am out. I have been an amazing wife to him, and he knows it and he admits this. 

I might appear controlling but he lives a life that is completely independent of me. He does what he wants when he wants and doesn't have regard for me. Then acts like I'm crazy when I get upset. It's exhausting and very frustrating


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

My text message to him was wrong. I know it was. And I said sorry right away to him and I ment it. And he knew I meant it. He forgave me. Yet... His behavior, him telling his parents about our finances after we agreed not do.... He is still arguing with me about it and it's been 2 days. He has not said sorry. He continues to go on and on about it.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Loosing hope, please help*

And what drives me nuts is... All he has to do is say, oh sh*t I'm sorry babe I totally forgot I wasn't supose to tell my parents about our finances, I won't do it again. That's ALL. It would have been done and over with. But instead it's been 2 days and he is still going on and on its crazy. And what is even crazier is that he admits that he remembers our convo about not telling our parents... But still doesn't see a problem with what he did. It boggles my mind, but that's how PAD is.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> And what drives me nuts is... All he has to do is say, on sh*t I'm sorry babe I totally forgot I wasn't supose to tell my parents about our finances, I won't do it again. That's ALL I want. It would have been done and over with. But instead it's been 2 days and he is still going on and on its crazy. And what is even crazier is that we admits that he remembers our convo about not telling our parents... But still doesn't see a problem with what he did. It boogies my mind, but that's how PAD is.




You guys need marriage counseling. Your husband needs individual counseling as well. He wont be able to stand up to his family without IC.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

I'm not saying he is right and your wrong. I'm saying you can't change him and you need to make sure your behavior is taken care of before pointing the finger at him. Two people acting immaturely= nothing accomplished.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*



katiecrna said:


> Why would he want to please me? Because he wants to stay married to me.


Why do you think people divorce?

It's not because they just wake up and say 'I don't want her anymore.' It's because they decide, day over day, that 'this is just too hard' and it's easier to just walk away than be bombarded with 'F you' all the time.

Over time, you become what makes him feel BAD, not good. And he will then walk away.

And I must say, you seem incredibly entitled.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Loosing hope, please help*

Thanks for everyone's input. I talked to my husband today about everything (again). The bottom line is I am just unhappy, my insides are hurt and I don't like how this marriage makes me feel, and the major issues in our marriage to me is that I feel a lack of respect from him, a lack of love and overall I don't think I am high on his priority list. I explained to him that is the reason I am insecure about his relationship with his family. It's not bc I don't like them bc I do, I love them, it's bc I feel like he puts them before me, and he readily defends them and not me (and so much more). I feel like I shouldn't have to compete, I shouldn't have to convince my husband to support me, or convince my husband to have my back. I shouldn't have to convince my husband to comfort me when I cry. It's really taking a hit on my self esteem and it's honestly really sad the amount of energy I put in to convincing him to love and respect me. It's embarrassing and pathetic and that's why I am so hurt and it comes out sometimes as anger and frustration which I know I have no excuse for. But I cry all the time, and my heart is constantly breaking and I just keep thinking maybe if I can get him to understand... 

Anyway, I told him everything again how I feel, how what seems to be not a big deal to him (talking to his parents about our finances, or buying a car even though I said no), what he doesn't understand is that this is just surface stuff that has a much deeper issue that I have been struggling with for a long time, which is the lack of respect and regard I feel he has for me. And yes I am hypersensitive to what he perceives as little things, but my hurt is deep. He had lied to me, cheated on me, and emotionally messed with my head while making everything about him as he plays victim. 

He just doesn't get it. It's frustrating. And I keep thinking if he can understand why I am hurt and what the real issues are which is basically love trust and respect which is the foundation of a relationship, maybe he can see how his behavior doesn't strength us, but makes me more insecure about my issues. But I am all talked out, and tired to trying to convince my husband things I don't feel I need to convince him of. 
I can't do this my whole life. I told him we need therapy. I told him I am unhappy and feel miserable inside and so unloved and insecure that It looks like i am taking it out on my in laws and trying to control him. This is not what it is. I am just a sad hurt girl that is looking for love and basic forms of respect from her husband and I don't think I should have to convince him of that. I said if he refuses therapy, I will file for divorce bc it's taking a toll on my self esteem and my health. He of course as a passive aggressive person doesn't get it. He says... This is who he is and he can't change it. Hours later... Still nothing. He is refusing to do therapy. So I guess we're getting divorced bc I can't do this. Then he spent a while complaining to me how bad I am bc I want to divorce and how he can't believe I am doing this to him, again making it about him and being w victim even though it's him refusing to go to therapy and it's him refusing to work on this marriage. Which overall reinforces my belief that I am doing the right thing. It just kills me bc I love him so much but I can't feel this low and hurt all the time. But I can't stop but think... If only... And that little bit of hope and optimism is killing me. I will pray he changes his mind within the next couple days and agrees with therapy. 
Thank you everyone for your input during this very difficult time in my life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's the only thing you could have done. It's a very common problem, some men just won't see what it is they should contribute, and unless you just accept the crumbs, you have to leave and find a guy who isn't like that.


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