# The fog has finally lifted...



## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

My story is the same as almost everyone else on the board. One day last year my long time committed partner came to me and said: I don't love you that way any more..l am in love with the man i was once engaged to be married to 35 years ago, and I never got over him. He reappeared into my life and I want him now.

I went through all the usual phases of anger, saddness, pain, guilty, sorrow etc etc.

I turned to TAM for answers and got a lot of advice I didn't want to hear. Dump her, get out, leave, run away... And worse: your a doormat, a chump, don't you respect yourself? How can you let her walk all over you like that.
Well I didn't believe. I was in denial. I was IN THE BS FOG.

Well the fog has finally lifted. I have seen the light. 

Here are her reasons for the affair:

She wasn't getting her emotional needs met.
We weren't sleeping in the same room.
She lost her connection with me.
We only had sex when I begged for it.
She was no longer in love with me.
She and I were just roommates.
We were together for the lifestyle.

Here is what she said she was getting from the affair:

Her OM loved her unconditionally.
Her OM just loved her for who she was.
His love never stopped all these years.
He made her feel wanted, courted, missed and needed.
He made her alive again, like she never thought she could again.

Fast forward to today.... Their affair ended badly in january, he dumped her, now she is afraid to start back up with me again, she can't get any feelings for me back again, she can't "connect" with me again... Etc etc. 

I on the other hand have been posting here on the boards, reading the replys, and reading the books recommended by TAM posters. I have been to see an IC. I have been thinking about this non stop for over a year... And I have been in the FOG about who this women really is, and what we have/had together. 

I can honestly say that all the things I have heard coming out of this womens mouth were predicted by others here on TAM, and have been described in posts by many many people here as well. 

In other words.... Everything I've been told would happen is exactly what is happening to me now. I was too much in the fog to really hear and process it. I thought she was different. I thought our relationship was different. I thought I was different. 

But the fog has lifted. I see her for who she really is... It's not that she's a bad person, or a serial cheater, or has an addiction... Shes just a classic WS...She had an affair without really thinking through the consequence. She felt she was entitled to happiness regardless who she hurt. And besides... It was over between us anyway... Etc etc....

All the answers she gave me about the OM and the affair are right out of the TAM play book. Denial, selfishness, entitlement, and all of the rest... Let week she said angrily: it was not an affair, he was someone from my past. We were almost married! That's different than someone I met in a bar.

So: thank you TAM... For opening my eyes to my situation. For helping me lift the fog. For giving me the road map. And most of all... For allowing me the strength to go through this. I know most of you have been there and done that. I'm not unique or alone or my relationship is any different from the thousands who came here before me.

Where I go from here is anybody's guess... I am still trying to figure out the next move... When I came here I had no experience being a betrayed spouse. But that's what I am and now that I know what it is i can deal with my life going forward. 

No more fog.. Ahhhhhh, what an epiphany. 

Thank you again TAM


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

So what did you say to her when you came to this epiphany? What was her reaction when you confronted her with her blameshifting and b.s.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Twice said:


> My story is the same as almost everyone else on the board. One day last year my long time committed partner can't to me and said: I don't love you that way any more..l am in love with the man i was once engaged to be married to 35 years ago, and I never got over him. He reappeared into my life and I want him now.
> 
> I went through all the usual phases of anger, saddness, pain, guilty, sorrow etc etc.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you're feeling you have a better handle on the situation. It is hard to deal with a problem when you don't know exactly what it is, or when you think it's something else, not what it really is.

You cannot control her, only yourself. She will have to demonstrate to you that she wants the relationship with you. That said, sometimes the betrayed spouse has to help, or shock, the wayward spouse out of their own fog. That usually happens when the wayward realizes the betrayed is moving on without them.

In your case, it doesn't sound like she wants to work on the marriage.


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

Lostviking: I gave it right back to her... He is no different than any other man. You dreamed of something different. You had illusions of happiness. You were only thinking of your self. You took us for granted. You didn't do the heavy lifting to save our relationship. You were a coward to sneak off and do it with another man. You shutdown instead of engaging me in dialogue. You didn't communicate your true feelings. You avoided doing the hard work and instead took the easy way out... Only to find out it was actually harder.

And now I'm done with you. Done with who you are. Done being hurt. Done taking all the blame. Done being your excuse for why you cheated. Done being your plan B. done being here for you when he didn't work out.

I'm going to live my life. I'm going to find someone who's happy to be with me. I am happy with the changes I've made over the year and I'm at peace with my half of the failure. I am different....you haven't changed at all. Go away and fix yourself... Then maybe you will understand the hurt you caused. Maybe then you will see who you really are. 

In short... I'm done.


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## DecentGuy59 (Apr 27, 2013)

Wow. I seriously would like to sit and have abeer with you. I'am you. But its still fresh and raw. Not even final yet. I'am gonna bookmark this post so i can read it again and again.


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

Decentguy. I know what fresh and raw feels like. In fact it's still raw and fresh for me too. I think it always will be. 

But there's hope! Hope is here. Hope is inside you. Hope is in the mirror. Hope maybe out there in some one new.

You spouse may be that hope someday... But she will need it change she will need to work hard. She will need to be different.

And she may not be able to do it.. Maybe never, or maybe not in time for you. Only time can tell...

I'm still at the beginning. Only one year into this and it's still going on. Have hope. Have strength. Have a belief in yourself.

Peace will come...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Twice

You will be fine.

And in time you will most likely realize you do not even own 50% of the marriage issues.

Your wife has no clue what she has done to you and even more so how badly she has hurt herself.

And the OM throwing her away just goes to show her that she is just a piece of garbage to be used and thrown away.

Focus on you. Find a real woman and live your life.

Good luck

Hm64


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Twice said:


> My story is the same as almost everyone else on the board. One day last year my long time committed partner came to me and said: I don't love you that way any more..l am in love with the man i was once engaged to be married to 35 years ago, and I never got over him. He reappeared into my life and I want him now.
> 
> I went through all the usual phases of anger, saddness, pain, guilty, sorrow etc etc.
> 
> ...


You're welcome.

That'll be $0.05.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Have you erased that BETA thing?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Good for you Twice.

It must have been a huge weight off your shoulders to finally tell her off.

Now separate, file for D, do the 180 and go dark.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm glad you're finally there Twice. You won't regret divorcing her, if anything you'll probably regret the way you behaved before the epiphany.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

LostViking said:


> Now separate, file for D, do the 180 and go dark.


Fortunately, he doesn't have to do that. This is a longtime GF and they never married. :smthumbup:


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Twice said:


> Lostviking: I gave it right back to her... He is no different than any other man. You dreamed of something different. You had illusions of happiness. You were only thinking of your self. You took us for granted. You didn't do the heavy lifting to save our relationship. You were a coward to sneak off and do it with another man. You shutdown instead of engaging me in dialogue. You didn't communicate your true feelings. You avoided doing the hard work and instead took the easy way out... Only to find out it was actually harder.
> 
> And now I'm done with you. Done with who you are. Done being hurt. Done taking all the blame. Done being your excuse for why you cheated. Done being your plan B. done being here for you when he didn't work out.
> 
> ...


That is just about the perfect response to "I wasn't having my 'needs' met". I wish you happiness in the future.

(Up to you of course, but I hope you can stick around. The next poor BS will be along in a moment *sigh*. You could help others. But in the end, do what's right for you)


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Twice, IMHO, being the recipient of the "crazy fog talk" and knowing with or without proof, they were physical, is the deal breaker. This is how they feel, she is not the same person. Your relationship is forever, fragmented and 180 of what you had. You are not married, so whatever financial ties you have are very easy to drop. For me I would never want to touch, hold, cuddle, kiss, or anything that has to do with being romantic in anyway. She has lost that access to you. Moving on is healthy and you will find that special someone to help mend your broken heart and your burdened soul. Good luck to you.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

But, why you allowed her back into your home? or is she living some where else.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Now put into actions your awakening by taking the practical steps to remove yourself from her nonsense and move on.
Lawyer time, open discosure to mutual friends, complete detachment.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Now for follow through,

1. Dump her out of your life. You are right not never accept being plan B.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

when you made out your list---you left out a major item

SHE CHOSE ANOTHER MAN OVER YOU---doesn't matter who he was, and from whence he came---he appeared, he crooked his fingers, and she FLEW to him---and she justified it, by coming down on you with everything that she tried to find wrong

She was VERY READY AND WILLING TO THROW AWAY A SOLID GOOD RELATIONSHIP---cuz a guy asked her to come and spread her legs for him----he got what he wanted, he also boaste I am sure, of his conquest over you, and how easy it was, to take her from you!!!!!!!

---he, and she TOOK AWAY, YOUR PEACE OF MIND, AND YOUR CAREFREE LIFESTYLE, and in its place they left you with nothing but mistrust, hurt, pain, and misery

Why under any circumstances, would you allow this woman to ever touch you again---why would you allow yourself to be her sloppy seconds---for that's where she put you, and that is what you will be, in all truth and reality. Are you willing to be her sloppy seconds??????

Do you really think you can stand to look at her the rest of your life, knowing she CHOSE AND RAN OFF WITH ANOTHER MAN, and then came back only WHEN REALITY SET IN FOR HIM??????


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