# How to understand this



## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

Sorry for the long post 

I have recently gone through a tough time at work, which resulted in me nearly quitting my job and taking 6 months or so off. I decided it was not a rational thing to do. I then started questioning everything in my life. It then basically stuck at questioning my marriage.

Some history: We both come from not too happy childhoods, got married at 20 / 22. It is 11 years now. I had a lot of anger issues throughout the first half of the marriage that we worked through (never hit my wife, just breaking stuff) It got to the point where I don’t get physically angry at all. I tend to get quiet now All the time I was always put second to everything (she agrees with this statement) At first it was that I had to do special things in order for her dad to approve of us. It then went over to the job, where we both work. She is known as a very dependable person and will always go the extra mile. Everyone used that to their advantage and work always came first. Friends have also discussed this with us in the early years. Something she pointed out to me is that she also now realizes how wrong it was from her to always not be happy with the way I do things. Meals in the evening usually is everyone for himself. Arguing in the beginning used to be quite hectic but tapered off over time up to the point where I actually give in as I don’t want to handle the emotional side every time. After speaking to a pshychiatrist it came out that I was the one who always had to be “ok” not matter what the circumstances. Another problem of my own is that I don’t really share what is going on inside me, which bothered her. Sex was very seldom throughout our married life. I feel that we have parted emotionally and it is apparent to me that it is a need for me. I am however unsure if it is restorable after all these years.

We both are doing reasonably well in our careers.

We have had a baby (15 months now) and that has taken a lot of our effort. We both love him dearly. I have been doing my part in the house and generally cleaning the kitchen and doing bottles is part of it. I feel the “I love you but not in love with you” thing.

One other thing that hit me is that my answer to should i be in the marriage changed when i take the baby out of the equation. I think i am being selfish and want something that is not normally part of married life, but then i also feel empty inside (emotionally speaking)

I am not sure what to make of everything. Please help!


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

I just want to add that we both love each other and my wife thinks i am the best husband and father, but i think i let things progress to this point as i didn't want to hurt her feelings over the years as that was what happened with every discussion, it ended with her feeling hurt. It would've been maybe a bit easier if there were bad feelings between us, but now i am conflicted between love and needs (which i am not sure if the history will allow it to be restored)

Over the years i have also started a lot of hobbies keeping me busy, which meant there were fewer times open between the two of us for each other.

I thought that i am not feeling like the man in the house anymore. Then i also not sure what will make me feel like the man anymore.

Sorry for just rambling on


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

wow! why in the world would you go LOOKING for a problem. So OF COURSE since you started looking found something. if you look for bad things, all you will find is bad things.

It might be because you were used to drama, stress and now without it you feel lost or empty. R u just having trouble with the communication part, or not getting enough sex part. You are not very clear with the "_problem"_ is just that you are unhappy and feel empty. You wife thinks you are a great husband and father and treats you well, but you want to leave? i am not understanding why.

Yes, you are being selfish, and you need to find out why having a peaceful marriage is not enough for you. see my post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/6357-secret-long-successful-marriage.html 
i can understand your feelings somewhat, your wife is successful, everyone loves and depends on her because she gets things done and is dependable, she communicates and is open with how she feels and you have a hard time expresses those feeling and your emotions. you now have hobbies that keep you even more away from your wife and child but either feel guilty about that or something. Your wife takes care of everything while you are hobbying or finding yourself, and instead of finding a way to step up to the plate and do your part, you are the one complaining. 

Hmmmm, maybe you need counseling to find out why this is. you should be lucky and grateful for your wife instead of trying to find a way to leave her. Of course that would hurt her. 

good luck


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

Thanks for the reply MrsVain.

I took some time thinking about your reply. There is a few things i want to point out. I was diagnosed with depression, that is when i started questioning my life to try and understand why i have it as i generally thought depression would never happen to me. I am generally a very positive person. I am a very analytical person.

Yes, my wife is successful, but both of us are. We are both professionals in our fields. The problem i think is the fact that due to the way she reacts to "negative" feelings on my part is the reason i semi stopped discussing negative things. This lead to a bit of an emotional separation (i am just guessing here). It is the emotional bond that i feel is lacking. We connect wonderfully on an intellectual level. 

I also don't agree with your overall point that she treats me very well and i am the one who is wrong. You try being one that gets criticized in a lot of things you do differently, not necessarily wrong (as she admitted afterwards). Do you also believe that a wife doesn't have to make dinner at night (at least 4 times a week)? Even if i don't have hobbies she is not available from her side to interact, therefor i can either just sit and do nothing or do something and that is the hobbies.

We have since first posting here decided to make time for ourselves (scheduled).


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

Just to clarify how we got to the "make time" bit. I actually had a discussion with her telling her that i am going to share ALL my thoughts with her and she needs to take it in the light it is intended, to resolve issues. I then openly discussed all my feelings and thoughts of the moment without worrying that some might be hurtful to her. It turned out very well and things are already looking better as it did when i made my first post (i was in a major dip those few days)

Only problem is that she asked me to take Paxil as described by the doctor and i am very scared due to all that i have read on the internet about it. It dramatically lowered my sex drive already (+- 2 weeks).


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Having a baby adds a new dynamic to any marriage. It will naturally change your lives, regardless if you are the new dad or new mom. I also think depressed people overanalyze things. I find myself sitting around all day, watching my kids, but my mind is mad at work thinking of all the bad things in my life. I also believe new habits can be learned. So if you aren't already emotionally supporting each other, start right away. Good luck.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Conflicted said:


> Only problem is that she asked me to take Paxil as described by the doctor and i am very scared due to all that i have read on the internet about it. It dramatically lowered my sex drive already (+- 2 weeks).


Please, Please, Please explore alternatives before starting Paxil or any prescribed anti-dep med. I am trying like heck to come off of Celexa. The side effects of not taking it are a major pain in the azz. I wish I had never started taking it.

Look into 5-HTP and other natural alternatives first.


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

Yes, i saw everything on the paxilprogress site. Horrifying! But i will take it for this month and then discuss this with the doctor. There is no way i will continue indefinitely with this.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

My husband also suffers from depression, and while I am NOT a person who thinks everyone should just "take a pill and get over it", in his case, it has probably saved our marriage. He was initially on Celexa and the side effects were horrid...he has been on Wellbutrin for more than 2 months now, and it HONESTLY works great for him, and has very few side effects in his case. It has in no way killed our sex life either...actually we are back to the 5-6 times a week that we were before depression reared its ugly head. He says it does not numb his emotions...it just allows him to sort his thoughts out better, focus more, and not dwell on bad things that arise. It's normal for a person to have to try 2-3 a/d's before they hit on the one that works best for him. It might be worth a try to see if you can switch if you are unahppy with Paxil...I know several people who were unimpressed with both celexa and paxil. 
Counseling and meds have worked wonders in my husband. He is able to deal with his issues without projecting them onto me, and he is also learning to identify the things that trigger the destructive behavior he exhibits when he is depressed. I don't think (in his case) either treatment would be nearly as effctive without the other. 
Good luck, I hope you can work everything out.


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## WhatAFoolBeleaves (Jul 18, 2009)

Paxil and Xanax ruin our lives.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/6694-multiple-infidelity-caused-perscription-drugs.html


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Take some time to look at yourself and not the marriage.

I say this because sometimes when we go looking for the reason why we are unhappy, we start turning toward others. Really, it comes down to making ourselves happy.

Stress is a part of all marriages. As time goes by, marriage takes a back seat to work, play, and kids. They key is to focus on the most important first (God for me, wife, then kids).


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