# My story looking for more input whilst I search the clubhouse



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

My story is as follows  clickie clickie  Someone commented and told me to browse around here and check it out so I am if you all would be so kind please read my story and offer advise. And no that isn't all the story I realise my many many many mistakes own them and want to correct them it's just what I am going through now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Niceguy13 said:


> My story is as follows  clickie clickie  Someone commented and told me to browse around here and check it out so I am if you all would be so kind please read my story and offer advise. And no that isn't all the story I realise my many many many mistakes own them and want to correct them it's just what I am going through now.


Yet another "niceguy"

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Yet another "niceguy"
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


Ahhhh, Conrad. You have to bare with us. We do try hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

yeah kinda at that point conrad its just hard I am currently reading said selected reading have decided on the 180 approach as much as can be done while still overseas with her kid is almost done with schoolfor the year and will be going back to the states then. And yeah another niceguy hence the name


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Alright gents read everything thank you. I think I may have just slipped up somewhat though. told wife that I told her father everything...and I mean everything.Not in a way to get him involved (though I do hope it makes things uncomfortable with OM) but because things got semi nasty on a hpone call earlier and I don't want to lose my new family as well as my wife. I apologized for her feeling hurt from it but not for the act nor am I going to apologize for the act. Right now she is "camping with the girls" oh yes I know I know she probaly went straight to OM.But not much I can do to force it hopefuly she now knows I am shining a light on the affair. Got no proof of a PA but EA she is dead set text bookcase.

So analyze me gents did I screw upthis particular situation or not?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Niceguy13 said:


> Alright gents read everything thank you. I think I may have just slipped up somewhat though. told wife that I told her father everything...and I mean everything.Not in a way to get him involved (though I do hope it makes things uncomfortable with OM) but because things got semi nasty on a hpone call earlier and I don't want to lose my new family as well as my wife. I apologized for her feeling hurt from it but not for the act nor am I going to apologize for the act. Right now she is "camping with the girls" oh yes I know I know she probaly went straight to OM.But not much I can do to force it hopefuly she now knows I am shining a light on the affair. Got no proof of a PA but EA she is dead set text bookcase.
> 
> So analyze me gents did I screw upthis particular situation or not?


You gave your wife another reason to "dislike you" and further justification for her EA.

Bob


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Was it the telling her I told her father? everything said I am suppose to expose light on it including many people here that includes her family/ my fmaily. Granted my family right now I don't want jack to do with. Some have their own drama to deal with and my father well he tore me down left and right (where a lot of my need to please other issues come from) Should I have just told her father and not her? I can't go back and change what I did obviouslybut am looking for the insight.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Niceguy13,
I’m kind of “different” here in these things. I think my wife’s affair is my problem. It’s a problem I decide if I want to work through it or not, if I can forgive her not. It is my problem. It isn’t anybody else’s problem.

Sure, we all need to “share our burden” and we all need “help and advice”. For me, that “sharing” and “solution seeking” is far better done with one or two very trusted (what you tell them doesn’t “get out”) friends and “anonymously”, like here or TAM or with a counsellor/coach.

With one of the issues I had with my wife and her family I was so afraid of getting out into the wider public domain I ensured the person I spoke with was under the Hippocratic Oath.


But you told your wife’s father. Wow. My wife’s affair was decades ago. Nobody, but nobody knows about that other than “anonymous people”. My sons in their 30s don’t know it. If they ask me if their mother ever had an affair I will tell them the truth. Because that’s who I am.


I think you are far better off understanding the reason(s) why you told your wife’s father and why you then told your wife. Bear in mind that everything you do is for selfish reasons, you expected to get something out of telling them. You expected to get a “win”.

What was that “win”. What was your motivation for “telling”?

Bob


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

My motivation for telling was I have a very strong feeling divorce will get nasty. My own father is an emotionaly and mentaly abusive jerk wad who has led meto believe I am not worth Jack. Her father I have really bonded with and the "win" I am looking for is if things get nasty he understands and knows where I am coming from and why I am doing this. Repeat do not want things to be nasty but I can only affect myself not others. 

Like you I would prefer as few people to know about it as possible and this website has become my support group. I have just been her emotional doormat/punching bag for so long I could see her being nasty and making me out as the sole bad guy to people I care about. I have no intention of making her out to be the bad guy. It was my fault for allowing the marriage to become vulnerable and my fault for allowing myself to be treated with disrespect. It is not my fault that she chose to have an affair before leaving me or lieing to me about it once caught etc ad nauseum.

I would love to save my marriage but that can no longer be my sole purpose. As I have said in my actual thread it is time for me to respect myself again. To look people in the eye that I respect and tell them the truth. Her father just happened to be the first on the list because he is my role model.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Ok. I respected my FIL and I liked the guy. But I never told him. Why? Because the Father to Daughter bond is a very powerful thing. Especially so in my wife’s case. It’s an exceptionally powerful bond. Father’s are extremely tolerant of their daughter’s behaviour. And they want their daughter to be “happy”. That bond and tolerance will greatly eclipse any bond his has with his SIL. SIL’s are replaceable, a daughter isn’t.

And the same goes with the Daughter to Father bond. In your wife’s eye, she will see you as trying to trash her in her father’s eyes. You wont win that game.

You can’t turn the clock back but you can learn lessons. Looking back maybe you should just have had faith that your FIL saw you as a “Good Man” and that when he heard what was going on he would have given you a call.

Bob


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Yeah yopur probaly right don't know will see when he checks his facebook. I really wasn't trying to trash her. I just wanted the air clear so to speak. Whatever happens happensbut it felt like a step I needed to take.I thank you for your insight though and see what you are saying.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Niceguy13 said:


> Yeah yopur probaly right don't know will see when he checks his facebook. I really wasn't trying to trash her. I just wanted the air clear so to speak. Whatever happens happensbut it felt like a step I needed to take.I thank you for your insight though and see what you are saying.


Niceguy13,
A bit of advice for you. Never do your communications, send or receive your “important messages” through Facebook or any such place. Let other monkeys play around in there.

It’s your private business, nobody else’s. And if your wife’s on there prattling away about you whatever you do do not respond in anyway whatsoever. Not even to defend or justify yourself. That’s a game for the children on Facebook.

Bob


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

haha I would of just called him but we only have one long distance phone. I already don't play the facebook "games" of facebook official and such. Only reason why I have facebook is I am overseas and it allows me to communicate with loved ones. I am not one of those invite every person I might know and then some.

I hate the whole craze of posting everything you are doing etc. Well just dropped a duece it stank.... or I plan on going to the park today thrity minutes later leaving for the park...fifteen minutes later At the park and unpacking *posted from mobile device. Or all this song lyric crap. Yes I post things when the earthquake happened (live in Japan) I posted on there everyone is ok we are fine here. Or I might post some pics of the kids or post something interesting that happened I wanted to share.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

" I just dropped a deuce and am about to leave for work."

That kills me.

I understand wanting to save your marriage being a focal point. I think that's one of the first things we settle on, and would be willing to do anything to make that happen. That's a trap I fell into, and it made me not only appear weak, it actually made me weak.
I have had to consider whether I want to live a life with a woman who could lie to me. Who could leave early for work so that she could go down on her boss in his truck before work started. Who could leave me here twisting emotionally while she gives me non definitive answers like "I don't know" or "I need to move out so that I can think"
Seems all I can do is think, no matter what's going on around me. It fills my mind constantly.

Decide what you need and want. Be painfully honest with yourself. Get mean and cruel with yourself to open your eyes. Take a good hard look and you'll see where you're headed.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

castingabout said:


> Decide what you need and want. Be painfully honest with yourself. Get mean and cruel with yourself to open your eyes. Take a good hard look and you'll see where you're headed.


Haha I have been mean and cruel to myself for at least three years probaly more. Its time for me to stop doubting myself and move on with life. Stand up for myself respect myself and quit being a doormat. I need go back to being a self described a**hole with a nice guy streak instead of a nice guy that occasionaly acts like an A**hole. One attracted me a wife the other made my wife cheat on me.

Over thes epast three years she has drained everything Man out of me I even acted like a simpering B**** when I first found out about the emotional affair (well minus the boxers fracture I gave myself from the intial outburst of anger when I punched the concrete support beam. And no I have never hit my SO or anyone I care about in my life and since having children anyone in general. Can tell you what though boxer fractures freaking hurt I couldn't shake anyones hand for six weeks.) As some suggested in my actual thread I need to go into her purse grab my nuts and firmly attach them back in between my legs.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Just thought I would let you know Bob thankfuly no ill effects. He asked me to call him as he didn't finish reading it asked why I felt the needto tell him (that was at the end) I explained why. He said alright I will tell you this.. I like you love you even as my son so quite honestly I am not happy you are guys getting divorced however I can not put myself in the middle or allow myself to be in the middle and if I had to choose a side like you have already said I will take my daughters side. I understand and appreciate why you sent the message though. We then went on to talk about various things for thiry minutes. So goal accomplished I still have my dad and I know that if the divorce gets nasty he is not going to turn on me because of it which is all I was worried about.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Niceguy13 said:


> Just thought I would let you know Bob thankfuly no ill effects. He asked me to call him as he didn't finish reading it asked why I felt the needto tell him (that was at the end) I explained why. He said alright I will tell you this.. I like you love you even as my son so quite honestly I am not happy you are guys getting divorced however I can not put myself in the middle or allow myself to be in the middle and if I had to choose a side like you have already said I will take my daughters side. I understand and appreciate why you sent the message though. We then went on to talk about various things for thiry minutes. So goal accomplished I still have my dad and I know that if the divorce gets nasty he is not going to turn on me because of it which is all I was worried about.


I think as a man we have to be “real” in these things. Your FIL’s top, main, first, major motivation will be to keep in contact with you, keep on the “right side” of you …. because of his Grandchildren.

We are all ultimately selfish. You would do the same.

Bob


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

honestly no I wouldn't if my daughter was married to someone I thought was scum I would be doing everything in my power to get her to fight for custody/ give me custody. Then again if my daughter was with someone I thought was scum he would know about it long long before it came to a divorce.

Like I said me and him are really close. He had two girls. His eldest my DW met an old fashioned guy. Going as far as asking him if it was ok I married his daughter (planned on doing it anyways was just showing respect to him) Gave him the comfort of the illusion that we were not sexual etc and so forth. We bonded real quick. His younger snuck around got preggo with a d-bag and her new man though while a great dad to her kid is all beta no alpha. So until my wife moves on and finds a new man (which if she keeps acting like she is won't be one of any quality as she is just seeking self-fullfillment) that man is going to have to have the right amount of Alpha and Beta to impress her father. 

Like I said been around the man. He is very quiet and reserved but you can tell when he does or doesn't like somebody and if he does have a strong opinion about something he won't hide it. 

If he had een the slightest worry about his grandchildren being in my hands I would know. To give a story as an example. SIL's ex comes around one time when we are visiting back home. She needs him to get the BC for her boy. HE is about to go to work looks over at me and says I want you to go with her. A few hours later he calls and asks me if ex is still around I tell him sil and ex are outside talking by themselfs. At which point he goes NG13 I know I told you I didn't want you to do anything. Scratch that get outside and if you think anything is off you handle it however you feel nessecary, Stay out there till he is gone, I know I can trust you, thanks then hung up.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Bob you need to go read my most current update, it will bring tears to your eyes, seriously you willlaugh so hard you might shart yourself


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