# needing advise



## luv2ivy (May 18, 2010)

last december my husband and i got into a physical fight and i called my sister to come get me and the kids,she called the cops.i told the cops that we had hit each other but he was the one that went to jail.2 days later when he go out of jail he had his mom bring him home and i was at work my mom was there with the kids and they started yelling at them that they needed to get out.my kids called me and i came home my husband called the cops but they made him leave.the cop told me to go get a restraining order against him so with the pressure from my family and friends i went and got it.last weekend he introduced my kids to his new girlfriend of 5 weeks,last tuesday me and the kids went to his house and i wrote him a letter telling him that i love him and want us to be a family again,he told me know that he loves his new girlfriend and was happy with her that he could take the risk of being put in jail again and losing his job,by the end of the night after alot of tears on my part we made love but afterwards he called his girlfriend to talk to her(another stab to the heart)after he got off the phone with her i asked him how he could make love to me then get up to call and talk to her he said sex doesnt change anything.well this last friday i went to his house again to talk to him and plead with him to take me back but once again he kept telling me no that he doesnt love me anymore and yet once again we made love again afterwards she called and he talked to her in front of me and i had to here him say i love you to her.i asked him how he can make love to me then want to rush me out of the house so he can go see her.we weill be married for 11yrs this june i will admit that its been very bad the last 9yrs this is our third time of us seperating but i have been with him since i was 14yrs old he has been the only man that i have ever loved even though over times we had a loveless marraige with having seperate bedrooms him cheating on me 3 times and me once.i dont want to lose him but i think i already have for good this time i really ruined it this time and i dont know what to do.i dont know how to be by myself and over the years i have gained a ton of weight and im not very attractive so my husband says even though i agree i have never been a very pretty woman but he always loved me for me i dont want to let go but i know i hqve to i just dont know how can anybody help me im losing my grip on reality,i dont know how much more i can take 


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## char (May 25, 2010)

Dear Luv2Ivy,
I am so sorry to hear about your heart ache - I saw your post on twitter.
The best you can do is find someone to talk to from outside; I would go for an EFT practitioner, they can help you to cope with your emotions and your grief. As long as you are in this emotional state, you will not get your husband back - you will need to pull yourself together, become happy with who you are, in order to become attractive again. You will always have a lot in front of whatever girlfriend, because you are the mother of his children. He has to discover that you are a stable, happy, adult woman he can trust. He is scared of ending up in jail again, your family did not help at all, sadly enough. Stop giving your sister and your mother so much power over your family life, and start building your own life and personality. Become the partner you want to have. Understand? become the person you would like to live with. When you start to "grow up" and show you're a stable person, your husband does not have to be scared anymore for your emotional reactions (like hitting and have your sister call the police, or restraining orders!). that's scary for anyone.
Stop letting your life rule by emotions and overreactions. get real, get calm and get stable. 
You'll manage, and he will come back because you are the mom of his chilren, and you will be the woman he trusts and likes for who she managed to become.
Keep me posted, and have a look at EFT Home - World Center for EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) for an EFT practitioner near you.
love
Charlotte


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

There has been a lot of hurt in your marriage from what I read in your post. Things are probably starting to set in with him having a new girlfriend. That isn't a reason to want him back. I know it hurts to see him with someone else and I am betting that you still think he is whats best for you. I don't think he is honey. You have kids together, you will always have that in common. But it looks as if maybe for your own heart you should seriously start thinking back and trying to figure out if you even want him back. Are you by any chance still in shock from all that has happened?? There is no time limit on it, so if you are thats okay. There are no time limits for these things.

The sex needs to stop. He is putting you in the position to give him what he needs without giving you anything else. He called her right afterward and talked to her. He is doing that to hurt you. No more sex with him sounds like your best bet. 

If you are uncomfortable with your body, do something about it. There are tons of sights that can show you things to do at home. If you want to lose weight, most will recommend at least 30 minutes of cardio a day to start out.

Don't believe you arent' a pretty woman. Don't believe that you don't have anything to offer a man. There is someone out there that can appreciate you for who you are. Someone who can show you how beautiful you are. But all that will come in time. Now is the time for you to heal and decide what you want out of life for you and your kids. 

I would highly suggest focusing on you. Not the two of you, just you. What makes you happy? Do things for you and your kids. He is a grown man who can worry about himself. Draw your lines, set your boundaries. If you are willing to take him back, then set boudaries as to what needs to happen for you to do that. 

Best of luck honey and you can PM me if you need to vent or talk or anything.


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## luv2ivy (May 18, 2010)

thank you guuys for your advice gives me alot to think about


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