# Ladies I need your advice ... would you want to know?



## klab0001 (Dec 17, 2010)

Three months ago I found out that my wife was having a physical affair. The affair is over and we are working through our issues. However I keep wondering if I should let the OM's wife know. Is it none of my business? But I feel she deserves to know and he should not be free to get away with this! Should I let her know or stay out of it. 

Thanks


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## joanne.kent (Dec 18, 2010)

im going to be honest even though my husband and i weere seperated i techanically cheated on him. me oersonally would try and move on if the om wife does not know she will find out because usally it is not just one person.if i were you i would try and move on instead of worrying about someone you have never met. i know this sounds cold, but if you truely love your wife you would want to spend all the time you can working threw all of this my husband and i are having problems doing that but thats what i would do im sorry i now know what pain could be caused by all of this i wish you the best dont give up. she may have cheated does not mean she doesnt love you.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Stay out of it. It's up to the OM to tell her. You need to stay focused on your marriage and not what is going on in theirs.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Actually, your wife should tell the other man. You should be putting the affair partner out of your mind totally. That would mean her husband by extension. He has the right to know. But it shouldn't come from you. I know most aren't going to agree with me, but I ascribe to certain beliefs when it comes to affairs. And that's just one of them.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If i was in your shoes i would immediately tell the OM's wife. and if my H was cheating on me i would want to know.


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## NOT SURE (Dec 19, 2010)

I would want to know. I think it is wose to have your wife tell her with you there.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Stay out of it. You dont know that she doent know or what kind of "arrangement" people have in their marriages.

now what i would want to do in your situation is tell her immediately but not because I was overly concerned with her or her feelings(I dont know her). I would want to tell her so that I wouldnt be alone in this pain. I would want to tell her so that her situation would be a ****ed up as mine. I would want to tell her so he didnt get an easy ride out of this and to that that i would HAVE to get his wife involved. I wouldnt care about his life, wife or family. They created this situation and I would FEEL that I would have EVERY right to wreak havoc on EVERYONE including my spouse

BUT

there are consequence to that kind of indulgence and just be willing to accept them.

I wouldd go with my first answer


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Ever consider that she might already know?

I find it hard to believe that a woman can go on about her life and not realize her husband is having an affair. Or at the very least realize that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. They probably have enough of their own problems that they're dealing with, and they don't need some random man they don't know very well butting into their marriage causing more drama.

If you're really concerned about the morality, then it's up to you to talk to either your wife or the OM. I think the OM should be the one to tell her, not you. It's his marriage and his mistake.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

That's a tough one :scratchhead:

Personally, I would want to know if my H was cheating on me. However, I might also be sceptical about who's telling me and for what reason and I'd want to verify it for myself.

However, some time ago I was asked that same question by one of my male friends. Little did I know he was asking because he was the one doing the cheating, and he wanted to know whether he should tell his girlfriend about it or not  

When he told his girlfriend, she was deeply hurt. She went on to tell me that she would rather *not *have known about it as they'd agreed to separate and go their ways a few weeks earlier, and that she'd rather have separated from him thinking that they'd had some good times.

I still insist that I'd rather know than not. If she already knows about it and she's just burying her head in the sand, you've got nothing to loose. However, you also have to prepared that she might not know about it already and if she doesn't, how are you going to deal with that? Are you going to be there to support her whilst she digests it all?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

BTW...I would absolutely want to know. No doubt in my mind.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I would also tell, only because I would want someone to tell me. I think you would be doing her a favor.


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## erick219 (Dec 20, 2010)

i made my wife call the other guys girl.....


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## My1Grace (Dec 20, 2010)

unless there is a medical need to tell the man's wife (ie:STD, HIV, AIDS, etc.) stay out of it. Getting back at him by telling his wife may make you feel better but it will make his wife feel horrible. It could also endanger your recovery with your wife. Karma will not let him go unpunished, so work on repairing your marriage and let the universe settle that score.


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## klab0001 (Dec 17, 2010)

My1Grace ... why do you feel that telling the OM's spouse could endanger the recovery with my W? I am still undecided, one post says they would want to know and another says stay out of it. If I decide to tell her I will wait until after the holidays. I appreciate all of the comments, it's been very helpful


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

my ex had an affair it was the reason we divorced , i found out by pure accident . 
I dont think its your place to tell her . you have nothing to gain by hurting her , just work on making you marriage work . 
every little bit of energy should be put into making your marriage strong rather then informing people about the past ..forget her and target your future


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

For the reasons you listed - he's getting away with no consequences and one other major reason - When I discovered my wifes affair, the biggest thing that bothered me was that she clammed up and wouldn't tell what happened. I felt like she had been controlling my life without me knowing it. I would want the ability to make my own decisions about how to stay or not - not based on ignorance of the affair. I amde sure my WS agreed that it had to be done for my benefit before I notified his BS. She did not agree she should be told only that it necessary for me to move forward. By doing it that way, she was not going to be angry at me and possibly destroy our chances. It also confirmed she more concerned about us than about protecting the OM. It gave some sense of justice and closure. If I hadn't notified her, I probably would have done something stupid to him that would have landed me in jail. I kept the letter very short. All I said was "your husband had an 18 year sexual affair with my wife that has been over about a month. This is not a lie or prank." The envelope had no return address and the letter no names. In the NC to the OM, he was told she would be notified and that he was not to disclose my wifes or my name to anyone ever. My wife was very concerned she could cause her serious problems at work. Don't know if his WS believed it, but it planted the seed of doubt if she didn't. WHAT HAPPENS WITH THEM IS TOTALLY HIS PROBLEM.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

OP...there will always be two sides on this fence. Those that say tell, those that say don't. Answer your own question here...if you were the spouse that didn't know, and the spouse of the cheater did, would YOU want to know? 

I just believe that the person being cheated on has the right to decide if they want to remain married to someone who cheated. If they want to do the hard work of reconciliation, b/c it takes both to do so. I know of one infidelity board where this particular subject has been debated to death. Both sides have real valid reasons for their stance. I guess for me, I would just do to someone what I would want them to do for me. I WOULD want to know. You just give me the info, and I'll take it from there.


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## Mom2DecBoyz (Dec 23, 2010)

I think you should stay out of it. She may already know, she may be happy with the ignorance is bliss type relationship, etc. You just never know.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I can appreciate your need for closure and revenge. However, you may cause more problems than you solve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roboplan (Jul 13, 2010)

Definately tell the om wife. First give him the option to tell her himself, but be clear that if he does not that you are. That is what I did when my husband had an emotional afair with a mut of a woman. I told her that I was going to tell her husband because he had the right to decide weather the friendship with my husband was inapproproprate or not, which it was definately inappropriate. He should of thought about her before getting involved and violating his vows. Tell her, it is the right thing to do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So the affair is over? And how do you know this? I'm quesing your wife told you?

I believe the reason to expose the affair to the OM wife is to make it as difficult as possible to either continue the affair or reigniting it again at a later date. 

Why is it your sole responceablity to be the affair police. I think the OM's wife should also take responsablity in policing her husband as well. 

Granted she my take the stance that ignorance is pliss, but I find the to be BS and highly doubtful. When shown the evidence of your DS's affair, how many LS would look the other way?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Want to know or should know is all up for debate. For me it's why cause the pain? Maybe he learned his lesson.....(doubt it) but who knows. I wouldn't want someone to tell me if it was over and done with. That's me!


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