# I caught my husband looking at porn twice while I was pregnant



## kyliecutlciffe (Feb 16, 2010)

Hi everyone,

While I was pregnant with my 2 week old baby girl, I caught my husband looking at porn twice. It first happened when I first found out I were pregnant. The night before he looked at porn, we had an argument as we were under a lot of pressure in the relationship at the time and it was massive finding out I were pregnant. He then aparently watched porn next to me on my computer while I was sleeping. I looked on the internet history when I woke up to find that he typed in 'hot tiny blonde' in a porn site. Which I am not blonde. It made me feel fat and ugly. I was so hurt and he just told me he wanted to see if he got anything out of it. Which aparently he didnt. And he said he didnt do anything with it. Which made me feel a bit better but it took me a long time to get my confidence back. By the end of the pregnancy, it was Boxing day and also my mums birthday. I was in the other room with my mum. By this time our relationship was great. He even txt me while he was at the computer saying he loves me which I thought was sweet. But then the next day we had a romantic day out which was lovely. Then the day after that, I went to look at his pictures on his phone as I wanted to see his up to date pictures to find that he has looked on Google for naked blonde woman and then took pictures of it. He did this on Boxing day, just after he sent me that really nice message. My heart just sank. I felt so sick. To think he even went out with me on this romantic day and did all of this when he knew how much it detroyed me last time. He said this time that he wanted to know if he got anything out of it but he didnt again and he didnt do anything again and that he will make it up to me. But ever since, i have no self esteem or confidence, especially after having the baby. My life is so bad right now. I am depressed and I cant trust him. I dont even know why he had to look at porn. He hasnt even told me. He must of got something out of it to do it twice but he wont admit it. Has anybody got any advice for me? Am I being silly?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Can you explain why it bothers you? Does he neglect your sex life together? I think the majority of men look at porn at least occasionally as do many women. Even reading romance novels is like porn for women . 

I grew up in a home where my dad went to strip clubs and had playboys - it didn't seem to harm my parents marriage (they are one of the few couples I know that haven't gotten divorced). So that just makes me wonder what it is that sends some women into this deep dark place over these items - as long as it isn't causing the husband to neglect the wife.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

kyliecutlciffe said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Am I being silly?


I certainly think so. 

Men look at porn. Married men look at porn. They also <gasp> masturbate. Some of them do this a lot. 

If his porn use is out of control - i.e. he is spending more time with porn than on productive pursuits - then you have a problem.

Otherwise, my advice is to see if perhaps porn can help to spice up your life in the bedroom... or perhaps if spicing up your life in the bedroom might dim his enthusiasm for porn. You never know.

What we do know is that shaming him over it will only drive the behavior underground, where it will do a lot more harm to your marriage than dealing with it openly, honestly, and with acceptance for the fact that men are sexual creatures who are easily amused with visuals of all kinds. Celebrate, don't deprecate.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Kylie,

Same thing happened to me. I caught my husband right in our room in front of me watching porn and then playing with himself when I was two months pregnant.

I did not take it well and did not speak to him for days. I'm not sure but I was hurt by his action. I understand his needs. But since I was pregnant and was not really in the mood that night, can't he just wait for a few days until I get back to the groove. Obviously, he did can't wait.

One of the things that keeps coming to me whenever we have arguments. I remember that night vividly! I felt I was not wanted.

I hope you will through this.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

OHHHH you guys seriously I dont even know what the heck to say you are so mad about THAT palease. I wish. Its PORN I love watching cat house and things like that WHO CARES. and sorry if you are not having sex with him and he is turning to porn GOOD FOR HIM. its not cheating or a affair. seriously. COME ON


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

wow! get over it, guys look at porn, doesnt have nothing to do with u


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

At a minimum I think it shows quite a lack of perspective to post about your husband looking at porn twice on a forum where people have suffered through emotional and physical affairs. A lot of us would kill to only have a "porn problem!"


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Men look at porn. I won't try to explain it - we just do. And it isn't because we find our wives unattractive. Its like a moth to a flame.

The only time I ever got sucked into using a credit card to see something online (it said it was only needed to verify I was an adult) was during my wife's first pregnancy.

The first time my wife was pregnant, sex seemed kind of weird. Her body was now carrying A BABY. Her breasts would soon have milk coming out of them. It was wonderful and beautiful, but it was just different.

Luckily for me - in my wife's case - hormones kicked in BIG TIME during her second trimester and I quickly figured out that sex and pregnancy were NOT mutually exclusive. That second trimester was some of the best sex of our marriage.

But in general - becoming a dad, watching her body change - from a guy's point of view - it was weird and a little scary.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Wow - there are some really insensitive comments here! It is quite obvious that for one reason or another, kylie has been hurt by her husband's action. 

The best question I see on here: 



> Can you explain why it bothers you? Does he neglect your sex life together? I think the majority of men look at porn at least occasionally as do many women. Even reading romance novels is like porn for women


This is a valid thread on which to post this topic, because to many people, porn equates - or has the potential - to equate to an affair. The question is (as stated above) - why does this hurt, and what are your reasons for objecting to the porn? It is quite possible that the fact that her husband was caught viewing porn may indicate an emerging problem in their marriage - 

- that could lead to an affair if it is not addressed. 

Seems to me this is a great time to come here and learn some concepts that might save her from the pain that many of us have gone through.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

One more thing - just because many, many men do it, doesn't make it OK for your marriage. Some people have strong opinions regarding pornography - it can be ugly and demeaning to women - and maybe for you this could be a "dealbreaker."

I just wouldn't take it so personally, unless this is a major deal to you - and you and your husband had some sort of previous agreement to keep it out of your house and your life.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

1. He loves you.
2. He watches porn quite a lot
3. You are being silly.

If you want a man that doesn't watch porn, you going to have to go on a very long search. You probably won't find most non-porn guys all that emotionally balanced or attractive. Or into women.

YouTube - Internet is for PORN!!


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## J34 (Jan 10, 2010)

common people, just because porn may be okay in your relationship doesn't mean it goes that way for everyone! If she is uncomfortable with it and her husband knows how she feels about it then it is not okay, it's just selfish. Yeah, we all have needs, for some it may be porn or what have you- but if one person in the relationship is not okay with it, it's damaging towards the relationship. Many people tend to consider emotional affairs and physical affairs as cheating, but some people may even consider porn just as bad as cheating (lusting over anothers body). Everyone has a right to make that choice and set their boundaries, and it's really something that should be discussed before marriage to make sure their on the same page and somewhat know what's to be expected. If she feels that strongly towards it, she shouldn't have to get over it and just take it. Point. Blank.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

That's exactly it, J34 - 

If her husband knows it offends her, knows that she has moral reasons - or simply that she has some issues with self-esteem - _*the reason does not matter*_ (unless she is simply trying to control him - an entirely different issue altogether!) - if he knows it offends her, and chooses to do it anyway, then he is deliberately hurting her. He is taking an action against his wife, he is requiring that she sacrifice her values for his benefit. Why must this happen?

THAT is the issue. That kind of treatment is damaging to the marriage, and will eventually result in results that are less than desirable.

The solution is to work out ahead of time an agreement between them - an agreement to which they both wholeheartedly agree. No porn, ask first, share it - doesn't matter - as long as they are both aware of the agreement. And the person who breaks that agreement is breaking their word.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I'm sorry, but while I agree that it is important that husbands and wives honor their agreements with one another, the OP's reaction here strikes me as out of proportion - men look at porn, men masturbate, men fantasize (as do I, by the way) and it has nothing to do with their partners. 

As I said in my original reply, IF this man is substituting porn for normal behavior - in other words, if he's spending more time on porn than on productive pursuits - then there's a more serious problem. But it just seems really odd to me that anyone could be THIS upset over a man looking at porn. "I can't trust him," she says. Seriously? Of course you can trust him - you can trust him to have a normal sexual response!

I think there's really a communication problem here, not a porn problem. Of course, if he's spending all his time getting himself off in front of the computer, then I am dead wrong, but it just doesn't sound like that to me.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

First let me say I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH AND IT IS NOT OK SO FORGET THE WOMEN IN HERE THAT THINK ITS OK FOR THEIR HUSBANDS TO LUST ON OTHER WOMEN. A married man should not be neglecting his wife to look at other women. And from my experience that is how my husband and I ended up like we are now. I put my foot down and said no to porn because he was watching black porn (he is a black man and i am a white woman) just recently finding out he cheated on me with the black girl next door. i KNOW IT HURTS!! TALK TO HIM!! dont be a fool like me and get mad about it and shut down...talk to him about it until there's nothing left to say.


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## J34 (Jan 10, 2010)

it's understandable why she can't trust him, he's lied to her about this. and maybe she would not be as upset about it if he was just out in the open about it, you know instead of being sneaky. again, i'm not saying porn is "evil" or "bad", simply that he should respect her wishes, or the very least communicate with her about this and why he may feel the need for it. sometimes when you love someone you have to make little sacrifices and compromise. and it's not impossible to stop watching porn, it just takes will power. and frankly if i was doing something that hurt my husband and he told me about it, i would do my best to cease with that habit- his happiness means more to me than any materialistic thing you could throw towards me. it's not about "me, me, me, and my needs only" it's a marriage and that means WE!


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

Exactly!!!


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Do you think that it is reasonable to expect him to communicate honestly about his use of porn if she is shaming him for it? I don't.

This is why I say that this is more likely a communication problem than a porn problem. Again, we don't know the whole situation - frankly, maybe the guy never leaves the house and spends thousands of dollars a month on really sick stuff. But it didn't sound like that to me. It sounds like he's a normal guy, maybe a little cowardly thanks to the expectation that he's going to be hit with a facefull of dramatic screeching and shaming for something that is, at the end of the day, maybe barely an afterthought for him. Check out a pic or two, have a wank, move on with the day.

I don't know... maybe there's more here than meets the eye. The OP asked, "am I being silly," and my answer was, "I certainly think so." I stand by that answer. I believe this woman would benefit greatly from stepping down the drama, dropping the shame, and creating the conditions under which she and her husband can have a rational, straight, judgment-free conversation about sex.

Otherwise, I predict that the trouble will likely grow. Somebody has to take the first step.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

J34 said:


> common people, just because porn may be okay in your relationship doesn't mean it goes that way for everyone! If she is uncomfortable with it and her husband knows how she feels about it then it is not okay, it's just selfish. Yeah, we all have needs, for some it may be porn or what have you- but if one person in the relationship is not okay with it, it's damaging towards the relationship. Many people tend to consider emotional affairs and physical affairs as cheating, but some people may even consider porn just as bad as cheating (lusting over anothers body). Everyone has a right to make that choice and set their boundaries, and it's really something that should be discussed before marriage to make sure their on the same page and somewhat know what's to be expected. If she feels that strongly towards it, she shouldn't have to get over it and just take it. Point. Blank.


I like what you said! I hope my husband thinks this way


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I hope she comes back. This was an interesting thread!


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

Mal74 said:


> I believe this woman would benefit greatly from stepping down the drama, dropping the shame, and creating the conditions under which she and her husband can have a rational, straight, judgment-free conversation about sex.
> 
> Otherwise, I predict that the trouble will likely grow. Somebody has to take the first step.


Yes, this exactly. Clearly their attitudes towards porn differ and they need to meet in the middle, and address other issue before they get out of hand.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I believe this woman would benefit greatly from stepping down the drama, dropping the shame, and creating the conditions under which she and her husband can have a rational, straight, judgment-free conversation about sex.
> 
> Otherwise, I predict that the trouble will likely grow. Somebody has to take the first step.


While I agree with this in principle, I would also like to point out that if her husband is acting independently - with no regard to her opinion, he is not acting in a loving way toward her. He may think, as many people do on this thread - that her objection to porn is 'silly' - but to simply treat her as if he says 'so what - that's silly - I'm going to do it anyway' is destructive to the marriage.

And it sounds like he knew her opinion ahead of time. Hence, I hold that his actions were destructive. Her opinion, at that point, is irrelevant to the issue. What matters is how he acts.

The solution is to come to a point of joint agreement, a solution that satisfies both of them. It is no more right for her to sacrifice her values for his benefit than it is for him to sacrifice his values for her benefit. 

When we ask the question, 'why' does this offend you, it is designed to get her to openly state (and therefore be able to articulate to her husband) what her issue is with it. He can reply in kind with his arguments, and they can reach an agreement. 

I suspect that it will reveal something a bit deeper in the marriage - and beginning work on that will be good for their marriage.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

You guys are posting in the wrong damn forum come on PORN unless its something he isnt suppposed to look at like kids or something its FINE really. If he has a problem and its all the time then I could see something wrong but catching him once give me a BREAK really give him a break this is sooooos stupid to be writing about. he did NOTHING I freakin have looked at porn. T.V. now days is practically porn what do you do then???? OHHH I cant say anything anymore I thought my situation was high school drama? This my dear in Junior HIGH


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Sunflower - no offense - but some would say that obsessing over your husband kissing another woman over 2 years ago would be over doing it and over reacting at this point. But just as you have the right to stress and worry about that - She has a right to be bothered by whatever bothers her. She and her husband need to figure out how to work through it together (as you and your husband have done). Sure to the majority of us its no big deal and it seems like over reacting. My ex use to freak out if i was 5 mins late leaving work - kind of crazy if you ask me - but it bugged him immensely.

And she caught him twice (once after letting him know it bugged her).

I agree with Tanelornpete - she asked for our opinions and while we can give them - it doesn't resolve her problem of dealing with the base issue. Who has ever stopped worrying about something because someone told them they were being silly


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Sunflower - I'm not aware of your situation - but it's pretty clear to me why you ended up on these forums! Disrespectful judgment of people is quite often enough of a deal breaker that can cause all sorts of troubles in a marriage. 

Without all the facts in this case, the fact that he involves himself in an activity that upsets his wife - whatever her reasons - is the problem, not the porn. Until they manage to work out a compromise, the marriage is in danger:

1) She may find that he is disrespectful enough of her that she might turn to the first guy that DOES seem to respect her - hence...affair.

2) He may feel that there is just not enough sex in the marriage - and turn to the first woman who offers him a bit more - hence... affair.

There are many other possible scenarios. Until they work out a compromise, they will have troubles.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

thank you...my marital problems started in the sex forum!! i posted back in july about the SAME THING she is posting about my H chose porn over me, i told him how it made me feel, i kept catching him, then he had an affair. so this is real ITS GROWN UP MARITAL PROBLEMS not junior high puppy love.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Well I am just saying that its a little extreme to be saying he is cheating because he was looking at porn?? DONT YOU! I dont think its wrong of her to be offended about it. BUT if you look at the BIG FAT PICTURE really cheating? realllllllllllly? thats a little extreme. My Hubsand CHEATED. plain and simple is it stupid for me to obsess absolutly I should be on the road to recovery. But I would love to have such a simple problem. its really hard to read something so petty in the just of it all.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

sunflower said:


> Well I am just saying that its a little extreme to be saying he is cheating because he was looking at porn?? DONT YOU!


I have no idea how she might feel cheated - it's quite obvious that you might define it quite differently than she. However, she made no claim that he was cheating. '

She is distressed because his actions hurt her.

My point is that he is aware that it hurt her, and that he chose to do it anyway. The consequence of such action is a prime cause of unfaithfulness in marriages. 

Hence, the points brought up constantly in this thread: there needs to be communication and an agreement made before any other actions are taken.

The reason I chose to be active in this thread is because it points out a very great example of how a marriage crumbles into an affair, and gives good opportunity to show how this sort of problem can be solved and a marriage strengthened.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

My guess is that its not the porn - its the 'sneaking' the porn. 
Why couldn't he be honest about it? Why couldn't he watch it with you?

All I can say is that 5 years before my H sneaked out to have a physical affair, he first sneaked porn - behind my back - while I was at work. We could have enjoyed an evening of it together. But the exciting part to him was the sneaking it. And I felt the same sense of betrayal then that I did more recently with his pattern of affairs I had to uncover. I should have taken it as a sign - and YOUR gut is telling you this exactly.

My H is an addict for the dangerous and feel good. THIS is the issue here. Is his thrill perhaps more the sneaking than the porn, or not? That my dear is the question. 

I think it is COMMON for men to RESENT their wives around the time of childbirth, because the 'hero' of YOUR life has changed... from him to her. It is natrual. Don't minimize the feelings him might be having. Perhaps he longs for what he HAD with you. Go there again. Make sure to give time to YOU AS A COUPLE and take his jelousy as flattery. 

Trust your instincts - but DON'T consider it the end of the world. Consider it the START of your world. Find a way to talk about it. You CAN work it out....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Pornography can be a wonderful way to enhance a relationship when used with two like-minded, open-minded adults.

People can also become addicted to it and it can damage a relationship just like alcohol, gambling or any other addiction.

And not all porn is created equal. Porn can get very ugly and be extremely degrading to women.

This thread has taken an odd, ugly turn and the original poster is nowhere to be seen.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

She is distressed because his actions hurt her.



Hence, the points brought up constantly in this thread: there needs to be communication and an agreement made before any other actions are taken.


Ok this is a good point here. She does need to ask why the sneaking I think thats odd Its only porn but why would he need to sneak??? But I am also saying that I am confused why she would post in the dealing with infidelity clolumn this isnt cheating? unless your lds lol


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Cheating has different definitions to everyone. You think kissing another woman is cheating - while having risky conversations with a coworker and strip poker with other coworkers not to be. Some would see all 3 as cheating - Some would see none as cheating. She is free to define it as she sees it in her marriage. You can't tell her that her feelings are wrong - no one's feelings are wrong.


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