# Difficult but not impossible situation?



## habc (Aug 24, 2013)

Hi there, I have been married for 12 years now. Our marriage was failing for the last two years due to her financial infidelity and maybe more(not sure) as well as my resentment of her had been building and I was completely inattentive and angry with her for the finances and we stopped having sex for a long time. My wife had asked for a separation in October. I left our home and my three beautiful children and began a downward spiral of depression that almost killed me. She said she didnt love me and I desperately wanted her back. I found out she moved another man in my house and I really thought I couldnt live anymore. Well a long story short, the guy was a drug dealer scumbag who physically pulled my daughter down the stairs in front of my wife, I had him arrested out of house, wife was found to be negligent of kids(that she loves), wife lost custody of the kids and the house, and tried to kill herself by taking pills and drowning.After she begged to come home, I said no. I began raising kids which I thought was the most impossible thing to do. Meanwhile I had started seeing a woman which became very intense, but she was normal and had kids and loved my kids. My wife fought me for kids 3 times and always lost but never,never ever talked of divorce(I filed) but she never mentioned it. Then one day we talked and agreed this wasnt good for kids and their future to spend all the money on court and lawyers (my 8 yr old was hospitalized(psych) 3 times severely damaged by what happened) I got weak and asked her to move back. She wasnt sure she said (she was a pta mother with tons of friends with our family and now was a complete embarrassment) time went by and she asked if we could bring kids to disneyworld. She said she would move back after. Through this time I was trying to break off this other relationship which was difficult. I knew wife had seen the loser several more times after I got kids (scrawny, no job, no car, drugs wtf?). Anyway she was sneaking into my phone and read all the very intimate and sexual things my GF and I had written plus all the nasty things I said about my wife to her and my friends. Well she moved in and was a mess, it had been clear that she was not in her right mind while we were separated so I felt something was seriously mentally wrong with her.She had even texted my ex girlfriend and pretended it was me. I caught her trying to leave one day and asked her if she wanted to go back to the hospital she did and was committed. She became very paranoid of me and I caught her on my phone trying to read my texts again but there were none. Her friend had text me saying wife never loved me and all she liked was the money so I said fine I had someone who loved me and I was outta here(very upset) my wife then called my phone about 40 times and I finally answered. She said how much she did love me and wanted me. I had broken off the relationship with GF and it was devastating to her (I felt I had to keep my family together at all cost)
well wife got out of hospital and moved back in. They had diagnosed her with bipolar disorder. She was still not right and was trying to go out one night with her crazy friends so I asked her not to come back, she said she knew I was going to move in with the girlfriend and they would have a new mother. She left and was homeless I heard for 2 days. Then she text me about a week later and told me she had made the biggest mistake of her life and wanted to come home, I said I will think about it. I let her. She came back full force and began painting the whole house and hanging up pictures of our wedding and finishing the bathroom. She began to reintegrate with my family and calling me pet names and we began to kiss again and hold each other again. I was a new man, stronger. 
OK so now is why I am posting here. While we were apart she developed some female medical issues as well and her period was every week. At first it was very hard for her to have any sex but soon began to please each other in other ways. But when we had sex it was good. She said she had lost her sex drive but when I pushed for it she loved it. We flirt and have fun but she is hesitant for sex (really intercourse) but I feel it may be important for us right now to do it. When I say we are not doing it enough she gets angry, but then attacks me the next day. She is fighting menstrual cramps all the time and is getting a hysterectomy next month. She seems to be very happy now and so am I but I know there is issues unresolved that may be affecting her sex drive. She was very jealous and couldnt believe what she read on my phone(you know how it is in the beginning of a relationship) her friend had told me that. Also she feels that I got the best of her (resentment) plus guilt, she said she had hated herself. Plus all the psychiatric drugs she is taking and finally the female problems. That is alot but I keep taking it personal over the sex thing. I also havent pushed her much for it though either as I know it is difficult for her to get going. So how would you approach this situation and regenerate the sexual intimacy ?? Or should I give it some more time for us to heal? Truly our marriage is better than ever now. Go figure:scratchhead:


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I would definately take it one day at a time. Slow down and take things one tiny step at a time. First get past the hysterectomy and get her hormoned balanced out that is going to be a roller cosster in its self ....that with the bipolar will keep you busy enough. Don't make any big decisions right now...just eork on your relationship and see if you can fix it. Give it time for now. You have a lot on your plate...your going to need a lot of patience in the near term.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## habc (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks Mineforever for the reply, it does seem that its like it improves as we go. I believe you may have hit the nail on the head with the word patience though. That is the big part. Unfortunately as much as counseling would be good I know she has literally suppressed what she did and to even say one word of it she freaks out so I dont but we have to act like it didnt happen. I will take my time here and hopefully the sexual aspect of our marriage will bounce back.


----------



## RoninJedi (Jun 22, 2013)

Hello, habc.

You're right, sex is an important part of marriage, and IMO the intimacy it brings is something the two of you need with each other right now.

However, with that being said, if it is that big of an issue for her on occasion, then perhaps you should just pleasure each other in other ways. The two of you will still be having close intimate time together.

I'm not a doctor but I suspect her reluctance for intercourse is more an effect of her medical issues than anything else. With her cycle being so out of whack, her hormones are all over the place (not to mention bipolar - my wife has bipolar disorder as well so I know how that can be) and the simple truth is she may not want intercourse because of the way she's feeling right now. Considering she is obviously willing to pleasure you other ways (at least I assume so by what you wrote), I would not take the lack of intercourse personally.

I also know from hearing about my MIL when she had hers done, the hysterectomy is going to wreak havoc on her body (hormones - mind - mood) for a bit, as well. Between that and her bipolar disorder, patience is going to be the biggest helpful factor you can provide in the coming weeks (and probably months with all things considered), but I think you already know that.

No one said marriage was easy, they just said it's worth it. Just hang in there and don't give up!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your wife has unarmed female issue that includes severe menstral cramps and prolonged periods. Dude... Back off!

Your wife has Bi-polar and is not stable. She hangs out with friends who willingly sabotage her marriage and what is in her best interest as well as the interests of the children. She endangered the health and safety of your children and allowed to drug addict to live in the home who then abused your kids. Dude, get rid of her and give your kids stability and maybe one day the trauma of what your wife did will heal enough for them to ever trust anyone again.

Once you get rid of your wife, the question about sex is moot.


----------



## RoninJedi (Jun 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Your wife has unarmed female issue that includes severe menstral cramps and prolonged periods. Dude... Back off!
> 
> Your wife has Bi-polar and is not stable. She hangs out with friends who willingly sabotage her marriage and what is in her best interest as well as the interests of the children. She endangered the health and safety of your children and allowed to drug addict to live in the home who then abused your kids. Dude, get rid of her and give your kids stability and maybe one day the trauma of what your wife did will heal enough for them to ever trust anyone again.
> 
> Once you get rid of your wife, the question about sex is moot.


Did you miss the part where he said they're doing well and happy now?

Yeah, she made HUGE mistakes. Yeah, she needs new friends who know what a marriage is supposed to be. But things are going well for them now.

Besides, the fact that she's bipolar isn't a reason to leave. Just because she needs medication for her mind to function the way it's supposed to?

So I suppose that since I have acid-reflux and need medication for my stomach to function the way it's supposed that means my wife should leave me?

Please stay out of this thread and let those of us who actually give a crap about marriage try to help this man.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

RoninJedi said:


> Did you miss the part where he said they're doing well and happy now?
> 
> Yeah, she made HUGE mistakes. Yeah, she needs new friends who know what a marriage is supposed to be. But things are going well for them now.
> 
> ...


Nope, didn't miss any of that. I simply don't buy the fact that they are actually happy and healthy together. The absence of her crazy making behavior doesn't mean happiness and it doesn't mean she won't fall of that cliff again. I'm familiar with Bi-polar and other mental illnesses that require medication. I'm also familiar with the fact that many adults diagnosed so late in life have MANY episodes of going off meds for a whole host of reasons. Some people don't becomes AS endangering as others when they go off meds. I'm also familiar with the fact that getting the right mix of psychotropic meds takes a very long time and what works today won't work tomorrow. 

I made that suggestion based on her bottom line level of behavior, and what he described is pretty damn bad. 

Secondly, if he didn't think any of that behavior was important he wouldn't have included it. But he did include it so obviously he sees that it has bearing on what he can trust when his wife says something....very very little. 

I decided to give that behavior stronger weight than you. That's fine, that why getting many replies is good. 

He might also get more replies if he breaks his monolithic paragraph into many smaller easier to read paragraphs. But hey, maybe that's just me.


----------



## habc (Aug 24, 2013)

Wow thanks for the different points of view Yes her behavior was and is a big part and I did file and intended on divorcing her but I could see what a mess she was and to add to it (which I did not mention) her father was a one night stand and then her stepfather devastated her mother when she left her for her sister------YES you heard me right and NOW her mother is dying of stage 4 cancer!!!!!!!! I swear this is all true (i forgot to mention that her mother is dying) I really feel bad for her and jedi I think know how bipolar can make you do things that are outrageous plus my kids are soooo happy now. I guess you are right about pleasing each other it seems logical. I think this issue may be my feeling of rejection and my own insecurities especially after what happened? Anon I cant get rid of her now I worked hard at getting her help and back into her life she knew. I cant tell you how many guys I know and their wives cheating etc In fact i think that forum has the most views in here? She knows she f*cked up. But I see alot of men and women are not getting sex much on here and even though I didnt have sex with her for almost 2 years before separation now suddenly its important to me so it could be my issue and im trying to figure that out?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You mistake my post. I don't care how many men she slept with. What I do care about is your children. Having spent the last 20 years dedicated to child welfare and advocacy, it is their health and safety I speak for. Mom is likely to go off her rocker several times before they become adults and if Dad think his happy home is more important than providing children with STABILITY and a mother they can TRUST to keep them safe, he just plain nuts!

I'm sorry for all the pain your wife is facing, but it pales in comparison to the pain she put your children through...and will again several times if you put any credence into statistics.


----------

