# Bi Woman Married to Straight Man / Lesbian porn / Confused / Advice?



## Lady_Merci (Sep 5, 2020)

Hey everyone!

Firstly please do not say anything negative, I am really sensitive about this and already dealing with shame. 

I have a question to ask but let me give some background! I am in my early thirties, I've been with my husband for 10 years off and on (married for 3). I have had many relationships with men and several with women. It's a known fact that it is normal to still find other people attractive while in relationships and depending on your agreement with your partner, what you do about this is important. We are committed and don't plan to bring other people into the marriage (though I might not be opposed, but he is not interested, as far as I have gathered by what he says!). I love my husband and find him super sexy! And I find other people, men and women attractive sometimes. I appreciate an attractive human! I never want to act on anything in real life with another person (I don't think!). The porn I watch is all lesbian porn and always has been, it is just what works for me. My husband knows this and knows about my past and bisexuality. I think I am just confused about this bisexual identity now that I am married. I noticed that when I masturbate to lesbian porn, I feel really guilty afterward. Sometimes I feel shame and feel terrible. Another thing is that my and my husband's sex life has kind of dried up in the last 4-5 years, which is common in marriages. We have talked about it with a therapist and have tried things but we are just so boring with sex now and I don't get turned on very easily these days. We do have sex a few times per month. I have also told my therapist about my watching lesbian porn (to be clear, I don't watch porn all the time, just a few times a month). She recommended stopping watching porn and I would want sex from my husband. It kind of worked but I also enjoy watching women and watching porn (I also don't know if I agree with my therapist!). I see watching porn as normal and I also see watching women in porn for me is like my little lady fix! But sex with my husband is still kind of lacking in terms of how often it happens and what we do during it. A thought that has crossed my mind recently is that I feel I can't be my authentic (bisexual and honest about it) self because navigating being bi and married is just f*cking weird and confusing and I don't know what is right and wrong. Basically I just feel shame about it all the time and it makes me not want sex. Which I also feel shame about! I used to be so horny all the time! I told my husband about this last night and said I might like to watch lesbian porn with him and he said he is down. Which has gotten me excited but I am just still confused and nervous and I get scared he isn't enough for me, but I want him to be and I love him so much! Gah... Anyway.. I guess I don't know what my question is. I am just wondering if anyone has similar experiences and/or recommendations. I want to spice things up and I want to be confident and not feel shame anymore. It sucks. Thank you in advance and sorry for any rambling, this is my first post and also my first time articulating this!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You watching this porn is just feeding something that you can't and shouldnt fulfill, so I agree with the therapist that you need to stop masturbating to it and concentrate on your husband only. I dont see that you being bisexual has any relevance, you are married and your husband is the only sexual partner you have. A couple of things you said made it seem possible that you may want other partners in the future and that is troubling after just 3 years of marriage. Faithfulness in both mind and body is very important. Unless you stop the porn nothing will improve with your husband. All of your sexual energy and focus needs to be on your husband.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Shame and guilt can destroy one's libido and a relationship. Your husband knows about your past and still chose to accept you, so you have to stop and appreciate that. 

I disagree with your therapist about the porn from the aspect that stopping it will magically restore your libido. In my opinion it is the "shame" and "guilt" associated with porn that is causing the problems. Yes if you stop watching porn perhaps there is less shame and guilt, but you need to get to the bottom of where those feelings are coming from and talk openly about that with your husband. 

My guess is that these feelings come from the fact that you decided to be exclusive and shut down your bisexual opportunities to explore with other women. The idea of this still excites you and serves to pull you away from your husband. 

Try to look at this from a different perspective. Desire needs distance in order to thrive. Currently you are sexually distant from your husband. Part of you wants that back, but you don't know how to get there. 

My thoughts are that you need a way to reinforce that your husband accepts and cares about your solo-self-sexual exploration. By talking about it openly and perhaps inviting him to participate somehow indirectly, this can serve to be an activity that brings the two of you closer together. Perhaps you go shopping online together for some erotic novelties or media and ask that he be the one to give that to you as a gift for when you need a moment to enjoy self gratifying yourself sexually. That should help remove the guilt because you know you are using something sexually stimulating that has received your husband's blessings and he wants you to enjoy it as a gift. In turn you can then share that happiness and joy with him. If it all works out OK like that. 

The above advice could also backfire. He could get upset and refuse to get involved. He may be disturbed by the items you would enjoy as a gift. If that is the case you have to stand your ground and try to let go of your shame and guilt. Try again in another way until the two of you have a healthy discussion on the topic and find a way to allow your time apart be something that rekindles desire to be together. 

At the end of the day when you are spending alone time with yourself sexually, you want to know that your husband still loves and accepts you for doing so. Besides you are giving him a huge gift of exclusivity and there needs to be an outlet for you to be yourself and feel loved in the marriage.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

What are your ages?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

SInce you are kind of all over the place with this (understandable due to your confusion on the issues), I'm just going to make responses to what you write as you did,



Lady_Merci said:


> We are committed and don't plan to bring other people into the marriage (though I might not be opposed, but he is not interested, as far as I have gathered by what he says!).


You need to determine this outright. Don't assume. That is what leads to problems. You need to ask and find out where he stands on both poly and open (not the same thing), what limits he has if either, and how much is he willing to compromise for your sake. Of course you also have to determine where you actually stand on these points as well.



> And I find other people, men and women attractive sometimes. I appreciate an attractive human!


And never should you feel shame as such. There actually is no problem with looking and appreciating, even at a "I'd tap that" level. Acting on it or making any one person a fantasy level target is different. But general appreciation, and even acknowledgement of any physical desire it generates is not a bad thing.



> I never want to act on anything in real life with another person (I don't think!).


I wonder about this, especially given some of the other things you have written. Not saying you actually do or don't, but you have to look at the issue closely. You also have to acknowledge the difference between wanting to, and holding to your principle. And make sure it is _your _principle and not one imposed upon you by others or society in general. If you don't act because you are a firm believer in monogamy, that is fine. If you don't act because your husband doesn't want you to, that's a different matter, and one you have to determine where you actually stand on it.



> I think I am just confused about this bisexual identity now that I am married.


Why? You are bisexual. You are sexually attracted to both men and women. The vast majority of bisexual people are still monogamous. Just as straight or even gay monogamous people don't lose their sexual attraction to others once in a committed relationship, nor should you. So I am rather confused about what confuses you about your identity.



> I noticed that when I masturbate to lesbian porn, I feel really guilty afterward. Sometimes I feel shame and feel terrible.


We're at a point where a bunch of what you write is intertwined, so I am going to try to divide this up as best I can. If your husband knows about and is alright with your masturbation, there should be nothing to feel ashamed of. Does he do anything that indicates that he doesn't actually like you doing it, but goes along just to keep the peace?



> Another thing is that my and my husband's sex life has kind of dried up in the last 4-5 years, which is common in marriages. We have talked about it with a therapist and have tried things but we are just so boring with sex now and I don't get turned on very easily these days. We do have sex a few times per month. I have also told my therapist about my watching lesbian porn (to be clear, I don't watch porn all the time, just a few times a month). She recommended stopping watching porn and I would want sex from my husband.


So to be clear, is the lack of sex from your lack of desire, or his, or both? Is he trying to initiate and you are just not feeling it? Are you trying to initiate and he's declining? Could you better explain what you mean by you are just so boring with sex now.



> It kind of worked but I also enjoy watching women and watching porn (I also don't know if I agree with my therapist!). I see watching porn as normal and I also see watching women in porn for me is like my little lady fix!


I disagree with your therapist as well. I see nothing wrong with porn as long as it is in moderation and not a substitute for your physical relationships.



> But sex with my husband is still kind of lacking in terms of how often it happens and what we do during it.


This sounds like you are not only having issues with frequency, but you, at least, want to be doing more than "regular sex". Aside from your desire for sex with women (even if there is no specific woman you are desiring), has any other sexual activity come across your radar? It doesn't matter if others call it a kink or not. Technically, oral could be considered a kink by some.



> A thought that has crossed my mind recently is that I feel I can't be my authentic (bisexual and honest about it) self because navigating being bi and married is just f*cking weird and confusing and I don't know what is right and wrong.


This has got to have something to do with you and something that you have been "taught" along the way. I quoted that insofar as it doesn't necessarily have to be something that another intentionally taught to you. As noted, most bisexuals who are also monogamous do well in their marriages, whether to their own sex or the opposite (or others as the case may be). Right and wrong is something that you have to determine for yourself, and to an extent, your husband. What is right for you might not be so for another, and their wrong isn't necessarily yours. For that matter, each relationship combination has their own unique set of right and wrong. The one biggest wrong that would be universal, is not being honest with your partner, and, more importantly, yourself.



> Basically I just feel shame about it all the time and it makes me not want sex. Which I also feel shame about!


This sounds like your are caught in a self feeding loop. You have to recognize this and then break it. What will break it is not clear. You'll have to figure that out on your own. It's your shame after all. Look at all the advice you get here, and see what looks right for you and see if that works.



> I used to be so horny all the time! I told my husband about this last night and said I might like to watch lesbian porn with him and he said he is down. Which has gotten me excited but I am just still confused and nervous and I get scared he isn't enough for me, but I want him to be and I love him so much!


He might not be enough, no matter how much you want otherwise. Some people are naturally non-monogamous, other naturally monogamous, and still others can be in either situation, with no sweat off their back. Now, like with orientation, what you are and what you do are separate things. You can be non-monogamous in nature and still choose to remain monogamous in practice, much as a gay person can choose to only engage in straight sexual relationships. Your love for your husband does not diminish with the attraction to or love for other, in the same way that our love for our children does not diminish with the addition of other children. Love is not a finite resource. Time and energy, sure. Thus you have to determine what your balance point is. It may be that sharing this side with him (as opposed to him just knowing about it) will be sufficient.



> Gah... Anyway.. I guess I don't know what my question is. I am just wondering if anyone has similar experiences and/or recommendations. I want to spice things up and I want to be confident and not feel shame anymore. It sucks. Thank you in advance and sorry for any rambling, this is my first post and also my first time articulating this!


You had a lot here that needed addressing. And they all combine to your problem(s). Welcome to the human race! Many of us have gone through various situations that have similarities, and we have a variety of methods that have worked for us. You'll have to figure out what will work for your and your husband. As for spicing things up, if you wish, PM me and I can give you a link to a questionnaire type thing to give you two ideas to explore. You need to find a therapist who will not judge you for your non-conformist ways, and will help you with your confidence. There is a list online of kink aware professionals. Now while you are currently not engaged in kinks, that list also means that these professionals also will not judge on sexuality (which sadly many still do) or porn use, as long as it is not problematic.

Hope all this helps.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lady_Merci said:


> .....already dealing with shame.
> 
> .....I've been with my husband for 10 years off and on (married for 3).
> 
> ...


Where to start.

You have gotten some good advice from others. 

Count your blessings, your problem appears to be mental and not physical. 

You have a lot of shame, confusion and guilt. The good news is that you and your H have talked to a therapist. I have to question whether it is a sex therapist or just an individual therapist or a marriage councilor. There are differences depending on what you and your H want to achieve.

From your post you have basically three issues you are struggling with.

The first is your feelings about being a bisexual woman in a married monogamous relationship. Individual therapy would probably help you with that, and perhaps with a sex therapist, just by yourself.

The second issue appears to be that you desperately do and don't want more sex with your husband. Since you have known each other for 10 years or more. He probably can ready your body language, your facial expressions and tone of voice better than you imagine. That means taht you are probably communicating clearly to him that you both do and do not want to have sex with him. Let me tell you as a man, that is absolutely not sexy. Furthermore as a man who is in a committed relationship and only wants what is best for his partner, I would not want to have sex with a woman who didn't want me and communicated that to me. 

Third, you don't sound like you AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE COME UP WITH A PLAN on how to deal with what the future of your marriage will look like. This is where both of you going to a Sex Therapist who is also a Marriage councilor would be a good idea. I think that your suggestion and your husband's agreeing to watching lesbian porn together is a good first step. I also think that the two of you, especially you, would benefit from some explicit discussions on marriage boundaries and what the both of you want your marriage to look like in 5 years, 10 years, 30 years, etc. Also talk about if and when to have children. There are quite likely a lot of things that the both of you need to talk about and many relate to sexual topics. These could be greatly helped by working together with a Marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist.

Good luck. You appear to be talking to your H about your issues and he seems to be willing to work on your marriage.

P.S. I was in a sex starved marriage, had a sex therapist help my wife and I work things out and have now been married for over 49 year. Even in our early 70's we have sex about twice a week. No swinging from the chandeliers nor sex swing, but fun healthy sex.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well you have known each other for a long time, and been married for a while. obviously there are some benefits to being married! Friendship, financial, supporting each other, for instance. 

but the sexual monogamy seems to be the issue. Since you both have enjoyed others, how about just opening the marriage up to a select few. Maybe that will get you both sexually turned on enough to rekindle the married sex part too?


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## Lady_Merci (Sep 5, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> What are your ages?


I am 32 and he is 38




I appreciate that you all took time to respond to me. I need to let this all settle in my mind and I will respond to you once I have my thoughts together!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Lady_Merci ,

I am a bi-female married monogamously to a hetero male. Like you, I find females very beautiful to the eye, and I like the style of female porn much better than regular porn, okay because when I watch regular porn, I hear that old 70's music in my head and it's so cheesy! There's no plot-no romance-no beauty...just genitals engaged in sex. UGH! NOT a turn on! 

Anyway, here's the way I see it: I can be and have been attracted to males and females. I find females much more lovely and soft and romantic. But I like men who are initiate and pursue but have a gentle side to them. I found one whom I love, to whom I am married, and to whom I made a commitment. My commitment was to forsake all others until death parted us. Since I meant it, and since I am alive, that means I do not allow my mind to entertain others or become attracted to others or consider others or day-dream about others...all of those things (flirting, attraction, thinking about and day-dreaming) are HIS and HIS ALONE because I promised him that. 

Your sexuality and sexual expression is not at the whim of something outside of you. It is within your control. If you find that things are lacking with your husband, you are an adult and made a promise to him. So work it out with yourself and with him. Talk to him, frankly. Ask for what you need...requesting respectfully of course. Work on building the passion and closeness between the two of you, and build your love and attraction to the man to whom you promised it. Be the kind of person who makes a promise and keeps it, with pride.


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