# Wife says she no longer wants to be in this relationship



## Swindon75 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post.

A few weeks back my wife of 10 years and we have been together 17 (i am 39) says she no longer wants to be with me. We have a 4 year old son together. I also found out she has being seeing someone behind my back.

My main priority is my son and making sure he is unaffected as possible through this. 

I was after some opinions. When my wife told me i was suprisingly matter of fact about it which shocked her. Sure i had those stomach pangs but i have been feeling fine about the whole thing on the hole, i have emional ups and downs but certainly more ups than downs. If it wasnt for my son i would be completely ok with it all. It makes me wonder if i was also that happy. I mean it hit me out the blue, as we had been getting on great, we both have good jobs and money is ok. We had booked a holiday a few weeks before she told me.

To me i feel like she should have told me this years ago before my son got to an age where he really notices whats going on. We are in seperate rooms and i told him its because i snore and mummy cannot get to sleep.

Is it possible to live in the same house and be seperated from each other? can this work for the short term whilst we sort out fiances and living arrangements?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

So how long has your WW affair been going on ?

You should have this thread moved to the CWI section since your W is cheating on you.

Most likely she wants out because she has "fallen" for her AP.

Have you still been having sex with her ? If so, you should get tested for STD's ASAP.


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## Swindon75 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi,,

I think its quite a recent affair but i cannot be certain. We havent had sex in a month but i will ask her as i cannot be 100%sure,

Any ideas how i can move this thread?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Send a message to one of the moderators and they will move it. 

Most likely the affair has been going on longer than a month, if she is already at the point to tell you she wants to leave and is confessing that there is someone else. So if you guys were having sex prior to the last month, there is a strong likelihood that you had sex with your WW after she had sex with her AP. Affair sex is almost always unprotected, even if your WW says otherwise, so you need to protect yourself first.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Not criticizing you but why are you so nonchalant? Do you love her? Sorry for asking this but do you have a an interest in someone else? It just seems like this coming out of the blue you would have been more shocked.


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## Swindon75 (Mar 17, 2014)

No one else on my side, i was very commited to the marridge. Its just my reaction shocked me as well. Most people i spoke to who went through something similar went through hell. I have always been a strong person. My attitude is i cannot make someone be with me and i am not going to beg her to change her mind. My focus is on my son's needs right move and not my own so maybe this is all denial who knows. 

Maybe this marridge has come to its natural end. Whatever happens i want our home to remain calm and not have us arguing and making accusations.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Swindon75 said:


> No one else on my side, i was very commited to the marridge. Its just my reaction shocked me as well. Most people i spoke to who went through something similar went through hell. I have always been a strong person. My attitude is i cannot make someone be with me and i am not going to beg her to change her mind. My focus is on my son's needs right move and not my own so maybe this is all denial who knows.
> 
> Maybe this marridge has come to its natural end. Whatever happens i want our home to remain calm and not have us arguing and making accusations.


I would say you are ahead of the game by not letting it affect you that much, but dont let her cuckold you. You dont want to set a bad example for your son. Let her know she has 2 options either dump the OM and reconcile, or hit the street post haste.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Swindon75 said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> This is my first post.
> 
> ...


I am truly envious my friend. My wife's affair hurt me more than anything ever has. Had it not been for my kids.....well not sure I would have gotten through it. I'm glad for you that you are able to compartmentalize this. You will heal quickly.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If it doesn't bother you, it sounds like it is the natural end of the marriage.

Good luck sorting all this out.

Do you think it might be worth trying to work things out for the sake of your son? Maybe your wife was not satisfied, but could be if you would make some changes?

The thing is, like committed said, by the tone of your post, it sounds like you don't care. That is probably at least part of why she had the affair.

You do care about your son, though. Do you think it would be worth trying to work things out with her, meet her needs better, or at least try, for your son? Or do you not think that at all?

Are you kind of selfish, OP?


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## Swindon75 (Mar 17, 2014)

Thanks, thats pretty much what i am doing, my son is my main priority and his well being comes before mine. 

I have been able to put things into context. I told her i didnt want it to end but if she has made her own mind up nothing i can do to change it she has to want to be here with me. I would hate to have that feeling she stays for the wrong reason and i spend the rest of my time wondering if she wants this or not. Its a toxic relationship and will cause more harm than good.

I am lucky i have a strong family unit around me and good mates. plus i have been on thet listening end of three mates failed marridges so i feel i am able to use that help me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

From what I've seen, the separated while living together thing rarely works for long even when there's no cheating going on. There's nothing stopping you from trying, but if I was you, I'd be working as hard as possible to get the physical separation/divorce set up ASAP. Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Swindon75 (Mar 17, 2014)

No not yet, 

We spoke briefly about what we can do. I know what the house is worth and we have said we will spilt it down the middle. This will let us both buy a new place all be it much smaller. The sticking point will be who has our child. I hate the idea of being a weekend dad its my worst nightmare. So we will try to split this as well as we both travel with our jobs so need to be flexible to avoid confrontation.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It sounds to me like you don't care that much for her -- like you "committed" to the marriage because it's the right thing to do and it seemed good for your son, but you don't actually want to save it. That might have something to do with why your wife doesn't want to be with you anymore either. If that's the way it is, then so be it.


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## Swindon75 (Mar 17, 2014)

I did think i was commited. Did all the things i thought were ok. Always involved and helped in the house. Seemed to enjoy each others company, did things together went away for weekends etc etc

But since her announcement i have taken time to look back and maybe i was also going through the motions to. Either way where i should be devastated by this i am not.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is she a stay at home mom?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Swindon75 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hello

No we both have good careers, and work hard. I always make the effort at weekends to take my son out be it to the park or swimming, anything to spend time with him.

I do travel all over the world in my job and can be away for a week at a time but i am looking for a job near to my home now that doesnt involve travelling.

My main concern is the weekend dad thing i dont think i can handle that and she has said it would never be like that as she travels and needs the flexibility so in that respect i think we can work some sort of shared arrangement out

I have thought it its worth trying to save this and rekindle what i thought we had but i dont know if this ever really works


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Swindon75 said:


> Hello
> 
> No we both have good careers, and work hard. I always make the effort at weekends to take my son out be it to the park or swimming, anything to spend time with him.
> 
> ...


There are several people here at TAM who have reconciled and have a great marriage now. It will only work if both parties want it to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Sure am getting tired of saying this, but how do you even know when the affair(s?) started? If I were you I'd find a way to get a paternity test run so you know just where you stand.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

How much into this guy is she? And has she told you why?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Swindon75 said:


> I did think i was commited. Did all the things i thought were ok. Always involved and helped in the house. Seemed to enjoy each others company, did things together went away for weekends etc etc
> 
> But since her announcement i have taken time to look back and maybe i was also going through the motions to.* Either way where i should be devastated by this i am not.*


Just a word of caution: The feeling of devastation (and of anger at your W's affair) may yet come. Your initial reaction might be your version of the denial phase of the grief process. Remain aware of your own emotions.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Your reaction seems uncharacteristically measured. It's good but surprising. I wouldn't have my cheating wife living with me though. That would be non-negotiable. She can go live with the dude she's screwing. (Sorry to be crass).


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

sinnister said:


> Your reaction seems uncharacteristically measured. It's good but surprising. I wouldn't have my cheating wife living with me though. That would be non-negotiable. She can go live with the dude she's screwing. (Sorry to be crass).


He didn't sign up for that.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Don't let her stay in your house while she's bagging some loser. If you accept this you're a cuckold and that's not something you want to be tagged as. 

Other than that this is awesome for you. Dump her now and move on. 

And don't you dare take her when she comes crawling back. And she will.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

You seem numb, too calm. I would be real bent if my wife had an affair. Good luck


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DarkHoly said:


> Don't let her stay in your house while she's bagging some loser. If you accept this you're a cuckold and that's not something you want to be tagged as.
> 
> Other than that this is awesome for you. Dump her now and move on.
> 
> And don't you dare take her when she comes crawling back. And she will.


And his options are what, exactly? She's as entitled to live in the house as he is, legally. Lots of people in here talk big about "oh, I'd kick her ass out". Legally, most likely all he can do is suggest, manipulate, or even bluff. But actually throwing her and her stuff out, and changing the locks? That could have big repercussions.

C


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> And his options are what, exactly? She's as entitled to live in the house as he is, legally. Lots of people in here talk big about "oh, I'd kick her ass out". Legally, most likely all he can do is suggest, manipulate, or even bluff. But actually throwing her and her stuff out, and changing the locks? That could have big repercussions.
> 
> C


:iagree:
He can ask her to leave though.
Bring some ladies over to help her with her decision.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Honesty is good. I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me or is cheating.

See if you can agree on custody/separation yourselves without spending a fortune on lawyers. Cause you realize those are the people that will make out the most in the end.

Also get checked for STD ASAP.

I would also try to collect as much evidence on her cheating as possible, in case she decides to play dirty......(assume that she will)

Good luck


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

PBear said:


> And his options are what, exactly? She's as entitled to live in the house as he is, legally. Lots of people in here talk big about "oh, I'd kick her ass out". Legally, most likely all he can do is suggest, manipulate, or even bluff. But actually throwing her and her stuff out, and changing the locks? That could have big repercussions.
> 
> C


Of course you're right. It's easy to talk tough on the internet but truth be told breaking the law isn't the best way to go.

I don't think I would be thinking about the legalities of it all though.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sinnister said:


> Of course you're right. It's easy to talk tough on the internet but truth be told breaking the law isn't the best way to go.
> 
> I don't think I would be thinking about the legalities of it all though.


That could be. But when the cops come knocking and she's got an "exclusive use of the marital home" order signed by a judge, you might be wishing you'd thought first and acted second...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

the real option is to file. and cut off what funding he provides to anything more than his half of the bills. and rat her out to everyone.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

DarkHoly said:


> Don't let her stay in your house while she's bagging some loser. If you accept this you're a cuckold and that's not something you want to be tagged as.
> 
> Other than that this is awesome for you. Dump her now and move on.
> 
> And don't you dare take her when she comes crawling back. And she will.


If you guys accepted how much being put into the cuckhold position affects your c0ck, and your sexual power, you wouldn't allow it for even one friggen second!


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