# Difficult time, need solid advice



## Plasty (Sep 29, 2013)

My wife of 5 months moved back to her parents home last week. Our history is we've known and loved one another for 5 years. Worked together and literally spent 12 hours a day together for last two years. She lived at home with her parents and is an extremely needy dependent woman.

I was divorced with kids. Lived in a house in which she decorated and made it a home. She loved my children and took partial care of them during the times they were with me.

We joyfully married 5 months ago. She suffered separation anxiety about moving out but made progress. Text or talk to parents daily. We would see her parents 2-3x per week to help offset this. Even she felt sadness when she couldn't see her nephews more than 1x per week. We would spend all day on Sunday's with the parents and grandparents.

We began to argue. Stress seem to build and petty arguments ensued. She wanted a lot of my attention as if to make up for the void. I loved and cuddled her. Left loving notes daily. Many things. But I know our arguments were not pleasant. We were in love the day before so excited about to put a contract on a house when an argument from the night before flip her switch. She moved out that morning. Never said a word to anyone about her "struggle" with me. No counseling, discussions about her deep thoughts of moving out.

I feel I should have argued less, maybe did more loving things, hugged her more. Is she too dependent on her parents? A void I can't fill?

She sent one e-mail after I sent many apologizing. She said its over. That I don't love her the way she needs to be loved. she tells a common friend that her decision is the right one. She is sad that her dream of the life she saw is over.

We were soul mates. Connected. Never to have thought this to ever happen. Her spiritual beliefs are never to divorce.

It has been 12 days. Other than some initial crying sad texts about loving me so much and loss, etc. No contact. I tried to see her but she won't respond. Her parents protect her. Her father initial tried to tell her to repair her marriage but they fought. 

What should I do. I am at such a loss. No contact for a while? She's needy for my love but I don't think now. It only seems to anger her I believe? Should I accept and move on?

Please help.



It has


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

It is still a bit early to move on. You have to give her more of a chance.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are you two? Has she always lived at home?

C


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## Plasty (Sep 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> How old are you two? Has she always lived at home?
> 
> C


I'm 37 she's 26. She has always lived at home. Praised by her parents and grandparents. Close family. 

Wife is needy and dependent. Needs much to feel loved and appreciated. She seemed to be so in love with me. Virtually inseparable. I understand I hurt her over just a short time, but most of it was filled with joy and love. Some daily stress of chores and schedules, but is this permanent? Is she resentful? It's like she is a child, hurt, running back to her home to be comforted by parents and grandparents and seemingly erase the world. Does she think if she can hold out long enough she'll convince herself she hates me so she can start fresh? She not one for the dating scene, etc?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How did you "hurt her"?

My thoughts... She's a classic "princess" and never properly separated from her parents. And that has to be her decision. 

How long did you actually "date", as opposed to "knowing her"?

C


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## Plasty (Sep 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> How old are you two? Has she always lived at home?
> 
> C





PBear said:


> How did you "hurt her"?
> 
> My thoughts... She's a classic "princess" and never properly separated from her parents. And that has to be her decision.
> 
> ...


I hurt her by not loving her enough. Not enough holding cuddling and saying I love you daily. Yet I did many loving things. 

She has never separated from her parents nshe knows it. She has an issue with depression and anxiety.

We were infatuated at work for 2 years. Did things. No other people in our lives Then dated for 2 years. Intensely seeing each other 12 hours a day including work. Every day during weekends. It seemed to be a perfect scenario.

Seems once she moved in, the hectic real life of marriage got in the way of her being held every night, cuddled, kissed and told thT I love her multiple times. Yet it seemed that didn't matter as much when we went to see her parents and family. It was then that they were her primary focus and I was secondary.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Quit reaching out to her. See if she misses you like she missed everyone else. Stop contacting her for a couple of weeks.


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## backik (Mar 12, 2009)

Definitely going to agree with what someone said and stop being the one the reach out right now. Let her contact you and you can give her space to figure out what she really wants. 

It must be unsettling to feel like her parents are "above you". In your relationship, did she ever value your opinions/thoughts or were her parents words more important to her? Did you get along well with her parents?


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## Plasty (Sep 29, 2013)

I always felt second to her parents. Parents and I were best of friends but I'm sure they're protecting her now. My opinions valued but not really more than parents. She could spend all day with her nephews and no attention to me but that was supposed to be ok

I love her for her faults. After all these years of love, did it fade in 3-5 months? We were very much loving the days before the move out Throw away a great potential future because she is afraid of loneliness in the future?

No contact for how long? Will she date trying to cling to another sense of love?


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Difficult time, need solid advice*



Plasty said:


> I always felt second to her parents. Parents and I were best of friends but I'm sure they're protecting her now. My opinions valued but not really more than parents. She could spend all day with her nephews and no attention to me but that was supposed to be ok
> 
> I love her for her faults. After all these years of love, did it fade in 3-5 months? We were very much loving the days before the move out Throw away a great potential future because she is afraid of loneliness in the future?
> 
> No contact for how long? Will she date trying to cling to another sense of love?


One thing I learned is if the other person does not want to be with you, you cant make them feel different. ...best chance is to ignore her. She is an adult. She can date or do whatever she chooses. Time to man up and leave her alone.


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## Plasty (Sep 29, 2013)

What's the success rate of giving her space and time like 2-3 weeks? A cooling off of her emotions and possible second thoughts of her actions?


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Difficult time, need solid advice*



Plasty said:


> What's the success rate of giving her space and time like 2-3 weeks? A cooling off of her emotions and possible second thoughts of her actions?


Not sure. .I would say very slim success rate. But its better than the 0% chance you have by contacting her....you cant out a 2-3 week deadline on no contact.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

A chilld does not make a good life partner
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

This sounds very similar to the way my wife of four months is acting. She believes I can't love her the way she needs. 

I've tried literally everything to get her back, but as MSC71 says, you can't make her want to be with you. You can either resign yourself to the fact that it's over and do your best to take care of yourself, or you can trust in love and hope she comes back. I tried to implement a combination of both, as in "I'll be fine without her, *but who know's what the future holds*". This, no matter how I told myself otherwise, was hope. Don't be that guy, don't let her walk all over you, don't let her pick you up just to come crashing down again.

I would tell you to cut contact and resign yourself to the fact that it's over, as that is the less painful option in the long run, however I know how difficult that is as I'm there myself. She may realise she wants to be with you, she may realise she's better off without you. Either way, to put it bluntly, you gotta take care of you because right now, you should be the one that matters to you.

If you're meant to be together you will be, and if not, then Mrs. Right is still out there. When you put that in to context against how much you love your current wife, that's an exciting prospect, no?

Just take care of you dude.

I really need to start taking my own advice.


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## Plasty (Sep 29, 2013)

Thank you for the advice. I am vacillating back and forth between how this happened, why, and how I miss her against the anger of how she was a "bottomless pit" that needed me to be her parent. I felt that if I were sad one day, she would be also just because I was. Then it was my job to make her happy now!

Often keeping in mind how challenging a relationship with a child in an adult body is makes for moments of relief.

I don't know if it's right, but I try to convince myself that she isn't a good partner that couldn't give me any emotional support but rather sucked it from me. She was loving and cuddly but likely just to get it back. 

Even a reconciliation could be tainted with the idea she would one day do it again.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Plasty said:


> Even a reconciliation could be tainted with the idea she would one day do it again.


I feel this about my wife too. She's left my twice and broken my heart twice now, I don't know if I could give her a third chance. From an emotional perspective I would, from a self-preservation perspective, I wouldn't.

Do something you enjoy, or things that your wife frowned upon. My wife didn't like me wearing my lip piercing, so I've started wearing it again. She didn't like my music, so I listen to an album every day. Just little things like that.


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