# How to Get My Wife Back ?



## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Hello everyone,

I'm newbie in forum and i hope getting some advices from you.

My wife gone to her mom and after 3 weeks she told me that she won’t come back and she wants to divorce.

We didn’t talk on phone after her decision and we had converstation only in viber. 

And we don’t talk on internet since 4-5 days.

After her decision , i told her “ Ok. Come back and we will divorce as soon as possible “ then she said “Why you hurry so much for divorce. “

She promised me that she will come and we will talk but she didn’t come back yet. When she gone, she didn't take her clothes, shoes or ext.

When we had converstation last time in viber, she told me that we won’t be together as wife and husband anymore but if i’ll change myseld, she will look for it.

She always thought that my career is more important than her.
She even changed her family name in FB.
I want to get her back.

Problems for her
1-	I had bad mood, stress after hard work. (sometimes)
2-	I didn’t share time with her as she wanted because of work (but Sometimes)
3-	She wanted me search new jop for better financial for our family. But i always searched and i could not get best result for now. I still countiune to search.
4-	Spending so much times for my hobbies and sharing time with her much more.

I told her that i can figure out everything.
But we don’t talk since 5 days and she does not write to me.
I want to write her again today.

But in which way need i write ? 

I don’t want to give space so much.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are her accusations true?

Or are they excuses?

Are they reasons or a shield for something else?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Are her accusations true?
> 
> Or are they excuses?
> 
> ...


Her accusations are true , i have been in this mood because of work but only month or 2 months and somotimes in the past.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Then I would suggest you seek counselling for yourself, apologise for your bad behaviour and invite your wife to join you in couple's counselling.

And YOU must change yourself for the better.

However is your wife's reaction to the problems proportionate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Then I would suggest you seek counselling for yourself, apologise for your bad behaviour and invite your wife to join you in couple's counselling.
> 
> And YOU must change yourself for the better.
> 
> ...


I really can change myself for better and i started . I feel changes.

She just became angry and angry on our last converstation in viber.
ones time she tried to talk with me and i said " You want to divorce " , she said " ok converstation is empty " .

I really could not control converstation because of her angry and panic.

We didn't made an converstation since 12 days.

But i want to text her again today


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to do more than text her! 

Be a man! Go to visit her, be more romantic!

Colleagues you text.

Wives you have to woo.

Send her some flowers.

Send her mother some flowers in thanks for looking after your woman.

You can do this! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> You need to do more than text her!
> 
> Be a man! Go to visit her, be more romantic!
> 
> ...


I know what you mean , Matt.

But i live with my wife in my country and her mother is in country.
That's why my wife is in other country right now 

That's why i can only text


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

darken said:


> I know what you mean , Matt.
> 
> But i live with my wife in my country and her mother is in country.
> That's why my wife is in other country right now
> ...


Right. As well as texting send her an express delivery airmail letter pouring out your heart to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

darken said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I'm newbie in forum and i hope getting some advices from you.
> 
> ...


The biggest thing that will hold you back is not accepting that she can come back or leave permanently. You are in no way in control of her. This means that any means of manipulation, will very likely just push her away. Even in my long-term relationship, I accept that my partner could decide to leave. That doesn't mean to roll over and give up. It means we have to master every single moment, knowing that any failed moment could turn into the last moment.

You can only master yourself, and be the man that every woman deserves to have.

As far as "how" to get her back... well, you have to give her the space that she requested. Even so, you need to stay in communication with her. If she refuses to see you, then you send a text saying:

"Hey, I was just thinking about you today."

You need to text her, in a way that is like a greeting card from Hallmark. She will feel the urge (in time) to respond. 

If you are too pushy or too needy, then she will feel that the weight of the relationship is on her shoulders. She doesn't want that. Noone wants to be responsible for their partner's feelings.

When she criticizes you, just evaluate the information from an unbiased point of view. Don't agree with her because you have to. Don't disagree, because of pride. Just analyze the information as one would if they were a 3rd party relationship expert.

If she tells you that you are not giving her enough of your time. Just consider whether or not that information is true. Don't focus on her angry or dismissive tone. Focus on the black and white words, as if they were written on a piece of paper. Whether she comes back or not, you need to be the man that does give his partner time.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> As far as "how" to get her back... well, you have to give her the space that she requested. Even so, you need to stay in communication with her. If she refuses to see you, then you send a text saying:
> 
> .



I had a bad period and i could not give her enough time .
I never went out without her
I never hang out with friends without her.

I'll connect with her today.

I'll write here what has been happened.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> You need to do more than text her!
> 
> Be a man! Go to visit her, be more romantic!
> 
> ...


I suggest you do exactly the OPPOSITE of what is suggested above.

Read up on "the 180" and implement it, immediately.

It will help you and it just might indirectly, inadvertantly, help your marriage.

Do not chase your wife and do not contact her. Let her come to you.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Mclane said:


> Read up on "the 180" and implement it, immediately.


Can you show me " the 180 " and i'll read


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Here ya go

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

As you read, know this:

The 180 is not some sort of manipulative tool to somehow win your ex back. Sometimes it has that effect, and it's all good, but that is not why you do it. If you approach it thinking it will "work to get your partner back" you are wasting your time.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@darken, 

You admittedly ignored your wife for work, friends, and hobbies. Now she's run off to her mothers in a huff about it, yet doesn't want a divorce. I wouldn't think turning your back on her or her feelings at this time is the best way to make amends. Keeping the lines of communication is important here. I wouldn't beg, but I would send a consistent message in my communications that would admit my faults and offer better. When we know better we do better. 

Best


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

I'm not saying go completely dark but to turn around and shower her with affection and flowers is artificially, transparent, and almost insulting. It will certainly backfire because your motives will be obvious.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> @darken,
> 
> You admittedly ignored your wife for work, friends, and hobbies. Now she's run off to her mothers in a huff about it, yet doesn't want a divorce.


I never ignored her for friends . I always went out with her or we together met with friends and they are our common friends .

Even a friend called me to meet with him, i said to my wife " Better i will stay with you and drink something together " .

I just had a period with stress, bad mood , career ext and as you say hobby .


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Mclane said:


> I'm not saying go completely dark but to turn around and shower her with affection and flowers is artificially, transparent, and almost insulting. It will certainly backfire because your motives will be obvious.


I really know what you mean .


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

darken said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I'm newbie in forum and i hope getting some advices from you.
> 
> ...



You have emotionally neglected your wife. Women need emotional connection to feel loved. As long as you have food, sex you are good to go. The problem is once you emotionally abandon your wife it is very difficult to get her to change her mind because she has no guarantees once things settle you wont go back to the way things were, most likely you will get lazy and do that.

So good luck with that but I have no advice for you because personally when you do this it means you take your spouse for granted, the worse thing you can do as they may not always be around.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Then I would suggest you seek counselling for yourself, apologise for your bad behaviour and invite your wife to join you in couple's counselling.
> 
> And YOU must change yourself for the better.
> 
> ...


Emotional neglect is soul destroying and every spouse who is subjected to it should walk out immediately imo


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

aine said:


> Emotional neglect is soul destroying and every spouse who is subjected to it should walk out immediately imo


 @aine i know what you mean but i love her so much more than wife , not only wife also she is my love , she is best my friend . I have all kind of emotions for her.

I can't walk out immediately and leave her forever . it hurts me

8 days passed after our last converstation and i could not define myself because of her angry emotions.

I need to tell her something at least. Less is more


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

darken said:


> @aine i know what you mean but i love her so much more than wife , not only wife also she is my love , she is best my friend . I have all kind of emotions for her.
> 
> I can't walk out immediately and leave her forever . it hurts me
> 
> ...


 @aine was being sympathetic to the reasons why your wife left.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

@anchorwatch i texted her with thoughts less is more . I didn't write i'm sorry i dont do again. I just wrote what i do for improving myself to be better ext.


I saw that she read it but she didn't respond


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

@MattMatt Today The 180 starts . but i need to keep line being dark and not .


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Are you sure she is actually at her mom's? 

What if she is staying with a boyfriend?


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Banned-It.45 said:


> Are you sure she is actually at her mom's?
> 
> What if she is staying with a boyfriend?


Find My Phone - Iphone and icloud


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Have you checked into the possibility she may be stepping out with another man?


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> @darken,
> 
> You admittedly ignored your wife for work, friends, and hobbies. Now she's run off to her mothers in a huff about it, yet doesn't want a divorce. I wouldn't think turning your back on her or her feelings at this time is the best way to make amends. Keeping the lines of communication is important here. I wouldn't beg, but I would send a consistent message in my communications that would admit my faults and offer better. When we know better we do better.
> 
> Best


i texted her with thoughts less is more . I didn't write i'm sorry i dont do again. I just wrote what i do for improving myself to be better ext.

she answered me after texting . She asks me how are you how is there is everything ok with you


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Mclane said:


> I'm not saying go completely dark but to turn around and shower her with affection and flowers is artificially, transparent, and almost insulting. It will certainly backfire because your motives will be obvious.


Of course they are obvious.

But if she has left him because he's been dismissive, angry and unsupportive in the past then the 180 would dictate that he do the opposite of that moving forward. In other words:

1. If you were prone to getting angry with her in the past then control your temper in all of your correspondence going forward. It is ok to tell her you are unhappy about something, but you have to stay calm and do not take your frustrations out on her.

2. If you never took her out and neglected her in the past, then you need to get started doing the opposite moving forward and don't quit romancing her when things improve. Make this part of your life together going forward.

3. If you had a bad job and weren't making enough money to support your family, then figure out a way to make changes to improve the situation.

4. If you were spending too much time on your hobbies and not enough time on her, then cut back on your hobbies and spend some time with her.

This isn't rocket science.

I feel if you continue to ignore her like you have in the past you will provide her with even more justification to divorce you.

Now, I will qualify what I just said, in that if she is cheating on you or you suspect that might be the case, ignore everything I just said. :grin2:


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Tron said:


> I feel if you continue to ignore her like you have in the past you will provide her with even more justification to divorce you.


I'm not suggesting he ignore her, nor does the strategy of the 180 include ignoring the person. It just means backing off, and yes I get it, he's been unresponsive to her needs so backing off seems counterproductive but she needs some space to figure things out. If and when she comes around he can start to give her the attention he needs but it cannot be forced.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

aine said:


> Emotional neglect is soul destroying and every spouse who is subjected to it should walk out immediately imo


Lol, that's crazy. You're hating men who "emotionally neglect their wives?"
That emotional connection stuff goes both ways. When a wife shuts down and emotionally detaches for possibly years before she says she wants a divorce, and blindsided the husband--- is SHE not committing emotional neglect? Maybe the husband has a much more balanced life and just doesn't need to have his wife as the center of his attention 365 days a year. I know there's neglect, but half the time the wife just wants something else and detaches. Then, she blames him for "neglecting" her. What a load of crap.
The wife neglected to nurture the marriage for longer than the husband, in many cases. He was just oblivious because he was doing his thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Lol, that's crazy. You're hating men who "emotionally neglect their wives?"
> That emotional connection stuff goes both ways. When a wife shuts down and emotionally detaches for possibly years before she says she wants a divorce, and blindsided the husband--- is SHE not committing emotional neglect? Maybe the husband has a much more balanced life and just doesn't need to have his wife as the center of his attention 365 days a year. I know there's neglect, but half the time the wife just wants something else and detaches. Then, she blames him for "neglecting" her. What a load of crap.
> The wife neglected to nurture the marriage for longer than the husband, in many cases. He was just oblivious because he was doing his thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Spouse means men?

Oh. OK.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

aine said:


> Emotional neglect is soul destroying and every spouse who is subjected to it should walk out immediately imo


Try this one on for size and tell me what you think.

*Sexual neglect is soul destroying and every spouse who is subjected to it should walk out immediately...*

And FTR, I'm not really a fan of blanket statements like this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@darken,

You're going to have to prove to your wife that she means more to you than convenience does.

It's not convenient to go to her.

It wasn't convenient to spend time with her.

It wasn't convenient for you to shuck your bad mood and be a decent person around her. And allow me to point out that unless your wife is some sort of pampered princess it take a HELL of a lot more than a short period of bad moods due to work stress for her to pack up and leave.

She left, but she left the door open. If you don't walk through it, it will close to you.

PS, ignore the 180. It doesn't fit for your situation at all. Granted, kissing her ass probably isn't the way to go, but continuing on your path of childish douche baggery sure isn't the answer either.

Stop with the texting! Suck it up and go get your wife. 

(I just love that word, douche baggery. Always cracks me up.)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Lol, that's crazy. You're hating men who "emotionally neglect their wives?"
> That emotional connection stuff goes both ways. When a wife shuts down and emotionally detaches for possibly years before she says she wants a divorce, and blindsided the husband--- is SHE not committing emotional neglect? Maybe the husband has a much more balanced life and just doesn't *need to have his wife as the center of his attention 365 days a year.* I know there's neglect, but half the time the wife just wants something else and detaches. Then, she blames him for "neglecting" her. What a load of crap.
> The wife neglected to nurture the marriage for longer than the husband, in many cases. He was just oblivious because he was doing his thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Bolded is man speak for: I went fishing and hunting most weekends.


I don't know about your personal situation but I HIGHLY suspect most WaW stories. My husband could have said the same thing. "I had no idea things were this bad." 


But let's not hash out our own marital woes in someone's thread.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

darken said:


> Find My Phone - Iphone and icloud


And that works even though you are both in two different countries, thousands of miles apart? :surprise:

I didn't know that. Looks like my wife is right about Iphones being the best.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

@Anon Pink @Tron @MattMatt @Relationship Teacher @Mclane @anchorwatch @aine 

First of all i want to thank you all for your time and writing me. 
Believe me , it means a lot of thing to see your support during my problem.

I want to tell all you , what happened .

As i said to @anchorwatch , i texted her about changes in myself as cool , what i do for changing and break my manias. 

Then Everything started wtih this dialog
She : Hi .How are you? How is going? Is everything ok with you 

Then i started to tell her my progress about change . 
I told her that first of all this changes for me and my life than changes will make better relationship.
We wrote each other so long and she responded quickly.

Then suddenly she decided to call me . She said with normal voice " How are you " . 
Then i kept my voice in strong mood even a little smile and i started to talk.

We talked on phone nearly one hour . 
I feel that she is upset , she told me that she want to see changes in life and other same solved problems.

I told her that she can come to see changes and what is important in my life.

She told me when i tell her everything with emotion and love, it does not mean that i belittle myself . 
When i come from work , if i'm in bad mood in front of her, it belittle me . 

So she wanted to tell me that if i tell her everything openly and get communication , it does not fire her away from me . 
May be @Anon Pink is right that i don't need the 180 for my situation.

It is clear that she is upset and can't believe so early but she said that she want to see somethings from my side.

She starteo to talk with me on phone first of all without any hope and any compromise.
More we countiuned to talk , she became more calm and she always said " I'll think . I'll think "

I said her i just need her with me to show evything . She said " i'll think "

She told me that she just need to be without nerve and calm down , she wants to end her nerves first of all
She told me that she will call me again in two days.

I did not talk with her in bad voice or i did not show any bad reaction.

But as i understood , it is not so easy to get everything back as i think. 
First of all she should come to herself.

For now , i think that i have to wait her call and not write her until she will call me.

But i don't know what she really thinks.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

darken said:


> @Anon Pink @Tron @MattMatt @Relationship Teacher @Mclane @anchorwatch @aine
> 
> First of all i want to thank you all for your time and writing me.
> Believe me , it means a lot of thing to see your support during my problem.
> ...


And @darken please *do NOT* use the 180. At this point it would be like trying to cut your toenails with a blowtorch.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> And @darken please *do NOT* use the 180. At this point it would be like trying to cut your toenails with a blowtorch.


You are right , @MattMatt , i don't need the 180 and cutting communication but i should wait until she waill call again.

Untill she will call , at least i can write to her " Have a nice dream"
something like that.

Sure i did not get any hope from her side. 

I really don't know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

darken said:


> You are right , @MattMatt , i don't need the 180 and cutting communication but i should wait until she waill call again.
> 
> Untill she will call , at least i can write to her " Have a nice dream"
> something like that.
> ...


Send her a simple "good night" text.

Does she have a favourite stuffed toy left at home? Put that on her pillow, photograph it and send the photo to her with the caption "We are missing you!" 

Well, that's the kind of stuff I do, might be a bit too cheesy for some.

So just stick with the good night text.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Send her a simple "good night" text.
> 
> Does she have a favourite stuffed toy left at home? Put that on her pillow, photograph it and send the photo to her with the caption "We are missing you!"
> 
> ...


Sure small toy bear which she loves so much . 
@MattMatt you are amazing dude, thank you so much . i will do it


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

darken said:


> Sure she left her toy bear .
> @MattMatt you are amazing dude, thank you so much . i will do it


Cool!

Hope things work out for the both of you.

Oh. Send her mom a text thanking her for looking after your wife.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ah @MattMatt, you've got the golden touch.

@darken, I'm sorry but the language barrier is difficult for me to really understand what exactly you've changed except that when you spoke to her that one time you were not showing her a bad mood. 

Iv already told you what I think...that you need to GO and get your wife. Arrange an overnight at a local inn where she is now. Take her there and talk and make love to her and rock her world, then drop her back off at her mother's house. You go out of your way to show her in person what she even if it doesn't look like what marriage is "supposed" to look like. ants to see. Rock her world. Let her stay at her Moms for another week or so after to give her time to miss you.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Ah @MattMatt, you've got the golden touch.
> 
> @darken, I'm sorry but the language barrier is difficult for me to really understand what exactly you've changed except that when you spoke to her that one time you were not showing her a bad mood.
> 
> Iv already told you what I think...that you need to GO and get your wife. Arrange an overnight at a local inn where she is now. Take her there and talk and make love to her and rock her world, then drop her back off at her mother's house. You go out of your way to show her in person what she even if it doesn't look like what marriage is "supposed" to look like. ants to see. Rock her world. Let her stay at her Moms for another week or so after to give her time to miss you.


I live with my wife in my country but her mom lives in other country.
this is my problem


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

darken said:


> May be @Anon Pink is right that i don't need the 180 for my situation.


Perhaps not, but there are some "take away" elements of the 180. 

Whatever you do, don't drop to your knees and become a begging, sniveling pathetic fool willing to do anything to take her back.

Yes, be there, don't detach, but keep it cool and don't be over enthusiastic about showing her how much you've suddenly and magically changed.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Mclane said:


> Perhaps not, but there are some "take away" elements of the 180.
> 
> Whatever you do, don't drop to your knees and become a begging, sniveling pathetic fool willing to do anything to take her back.
> 
> Yes, be there, don't detach, but keep it cool and don't be over enthusiastic about showing her how much you've suddenly and magically changed.


Thanks for important tips @Mclane . I'll keep them


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Some here have posted that you have emotionally neglected your wife and how horrible that is and I agree, it is. However, I feel that goes for all neglect. One poster mentioned sexual neglect but there are many ways one spouse can fail to meet the needs of the other. What is most important, imo, is that each one forgo their own wants and needs and focus intently on meeting their spouses needs. This is when marriage is truly successful. When it is one sided it usually does not work unless the one spouse is totally selfless and that is rare indeed and perhaps not the healthiest of unions.

So, to answer your question, you must focus on your W's needs and forgo your own. When she sees your resolve it will increase your worth in her eyes but I caution you that there must be balance or resentment could result. Also, communication is crucial, the life blood of relationships. Without it the relationship cannot grow and develop but rather shrinks and weakens. It is very important.

You sound sincere and with any luck your W will hear your sincerity and it will cause her to open up and feel comfortable with you. Remember however that marriage, as is the case with anything worthwhile, takes effort and dedication to fully realize its possibilities. I wish you good fortune.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

darken said:


> For now , i think that i have to wait her call and not write her until she will call me.
> 
> But i don't know what she really thinks.


Great update.

An important lesson that I give to individuals, is to not put much faith in words. Often, an individual might make a promise, only to break it. Other times, it could be words out of a desperate attempt to get an ex back.

She is being smart, and thinking with good common sense. Things weren't great in the relationship, and it takes much more than your words to rectify the situation. She has to witness the *permanent* changes.

Remember to give her time to digest the changes you are making. It feels like an eternity for you. Of that, I am sure. Be patient. Just offer her greatness, and let her accept it. Do not push her into coming back.

That said, you need to put forth a lot of work in your self-development. Individuals are programmed almost entirely in the first few years of life. You have a lot of emotional impulse-led actions/reactions that will hold you back in your life and relationship. You have to go to work on challenging these.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> She has to witness the *permanent* changes.


 @Relationship Teacher During our converstation with her , she also mentioned it and she said " ok i'll come , one month everything is ok than may be you will have moods ext " .


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I personally think you should not do the sweet message stuff. Just be honest, work on yourself, and let her come to you when she's ready. Any lovey dovey stuff when a woman is angry or disappointed in a man comes off as weak and repulsive to them.
I agree that this definitely Is not a case where you need to "180", it's a case where you need to make some real changes on your own, hope she notices, put her in situations where she SHOULD notice--- but give her time and try your absolute best not to be needy for any kind of reassurance from her (which is really hard).

Aine is right in that you need to give your wife enough of your time and attention to make her feel loved, and she's right that I went hunting and fishing too dang much. However, the attitude of putting the wife first constantly is off, I think. In my previous marriage, it was probably 75/25 in favor if me (as far as how I spent my free time). As someone said, there MUST be a balance. She has to put you first, too.
I do think women are guilty of "me, me, me" just as often as men. 

Example--- we always did vacations where the ex wanted, did family stuff where SHE wanted. She NEVER went fishing with me. And I had a special spot where even a non-fishing person would have had a great time.

Both of you have to be willing to be a giver sometimes. If your wife is great at being a giver--- yeah, you've got some changing to do.
I know I have.
Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@darken

Are you taking care of yourself during this trying time? Have you been eating and sleeping well? Keeping yourself clean and well dressed? 

What about your home? Keeping up with things so when she gets home she'll feel you didn't leave things for her? 


Here is a link for you to see how a marriage can work... A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

I don't know your resources, but there is a book. Fall in Love, Stay in Love - Harley

When we know better, we do better. You can improve, you can build the marriage you both want. You just need to know how. 

Best


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

darken said:


> @aine i know what you mean but i love her so much more than wife , not only wife also she is my love , she is best my friend . I have all kind of emotions for her.
> 
> I can't walk out immediately and leave her forever . it hurts me
> 
> ...


YOU have emotionally neglected her, if she was your life, love etc. you would have treated her much better. A woman's heart if fragile and when she marries you she gives your her heart to take care of, you have trampled on it, threw it in the trash, neglected it, etc. Why would she want to give you her heart again? Tell me?
She is better off not to come back to you, you will get comfortable again and do the same all over.
Your best option is to start working on yourself to change and become a better man. Go for IC, start fixing the issues you have, such as too much anger, too much PC time, etc. Then you might have a chance, why should she come back to more of the same.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Darken, you have taken this all on your back as your fault.
Is that really how it is? Did your wife plead with you to spend time with her and you ignored her? Did she do things with friends some and have things that she did herself that brought her happiness, or depend on you constantly for her entertainment and emotional support? 
If so, how will you handle being everything for her and not enjoying things that make YOU happy?
Women that are dependent wholly on their husband for constant emotional support and spend every waking moment making them happy, may just not be worth it. One is supposed to be with a person who SHARES their life with you. If you aren't sharing your life with her, you need to change. If she only wants you to spend your every minute of every day catering to her emotional or physical needs, she needs to change as well. 
If your marriage has any chance of being successful, were you to reconcile, you have to have a plan you both agree on to satisfy one another's needs- and stick with it. If you're the only one willing to come up with a plan you can both agree on and be fully satisfied with, it's hopeless. If she will only return if everything is her way--- let her go. It will hurt for a long time. But if she comes back expecting you to give everything and her nothing, it won't work, and you will both hurt much more and longer.

You got married to spend time with one another. But there should be some time spent with her and her friends doing her thing, and her spending time with you doing your thing. It's a marriage. You're both to have some freedom to pursue your own happiness. It's not supposed to be all about you making her happy, or her making you happy. It's supposed to be you working together to bring more happiness in one another's lives than you could achieve on your own as individuals.
When one spouse leaves the marriage, the spouse left behind tends to want to shoulder all the blame. But it's not always that way. 

Think about it. What did you consistently bring to the table? In what ways did you show her your love? In what ways did she show you? 

What should you do differently? Do it. If you don't, or if you do for a while and you stop--- it will likely be the last chance you ever get. Make it count. Just try to get her to help you KNOW what you need to do to satisfy her needs. And hope that you can do it and still be truly happy.

I hope your wife gives you a chance to make it right with her, and I hope you can make good on it and be happy doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

@NoChoice thank you so much for your tips


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

aine said:


> YOU have emotionally neglected her, if she was your life, love etc. you would have treated her much better. A woman's heart if fragile and when she marries you she gives your her heart to take care of, you have trampled on it, threw it in the trash, neglected it, etc. Why would she want to give you her heart again? Tell me?
> She is better off not to come back to you, you will get comfortable again and do the same all over.
> Your best option is to start working on yourself to change and become a better man. Go for IC, start fixing the issues you have, such as too much anger, too much PC time, etc. Then you might have a chance, why should she come back to more of the same.


 @Anie I just had a bad period and i became person like that only in that period. 

How can you know that i'll do the same all over ? I only fight for myself and my wife.

Yes you are right , i was angry often because of this period and too much PC . But i understood what is most important for me.

I miss her so much and i wrote everything on paper to read them everday " What did i wrong " .


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> @darken
> 
> Are you taking care of yourself during this trying time? Have you been eating and sleeping well? Keeping yourself clean and well dressed?
> 
> ...


 @anchorwatch thanks for books , i'll try to get them if they sell it in my country.

If honestly , i dont sleep well and eating so well, i only eat well at work . I dont eat so well at nights.

but I keep myself clean and well dressed. Home is fine, i clean it too.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> What should you do differently? Do it. If you don't, or if you do for a while and you stop--- it will likely be the last chance you ever get. Make it count. Just try to get her to help you KNOW what you need to do to satisfy her needs. And hope that you can do it and still be truly happy.
> 
> I hope your wife gives you a chance to make it right with her, and I hope you can make good on it and be happy doing it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



@Evinrude58 i'm aware that it will be last chance 
but i don't know, i will get this last chance or not . 
Really everything is not easy from her side.

She told me everything yesterday when she called me via viber.

I believe that i can do if she will come.

She should come to see me and i can't show her via viber or voice call.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

darken said:


> @anchorwatch thanks for books , i'll try to get them if they sell it in my country.
> 
> I wasn't sure, that's why I gave you the first link so you could read the ideas now. They sell audio versions you can download.
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

darken said:


> I live with my wife in my country but her mom lives in other country.
> this is my problem


I don't know where you are but I'm assuming it's not the US? Here, we can drive for 10 hours and never get close to this country's borders. In Europe, if you drive for 10 hours you've been through 3 countries. So I'm thinking that her being in a different country isn't nearly the hardship you're making it out to be.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Lol, that's crazy. You're hating men who "emotionally neglect their wives?"
> That emotional connection stuff goes both ways. When a wife shuts down and emotionally detaches for possibly years before she says she wants a divorce, and blindsided the husband--- is SHE not committing emotional neglect? Maybe the husband has a much more balanced life and just doesn't need to have his wife as the center of his attention 365 days a year. I know there's neglect, but half the time the wife just wants something else and detaches. Then, she blames him for "neglecting" her. What a load of crap.
> The wife neglected to nurture the marriage for longer than the husband, in many cases. He was just oblivious because he was doing his thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @Evinrude58 i really can't get what she hates so much and hatefull speech .

I'm also human , i breathe , i love , i have heart.


Btw wife wrote me herself : " Have a nice dream " five minutes ago.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

@MattMatt i did what you offered after her first text but no reaction were there :/


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

darken said:


> @MattMatt i did what you offered after her first text but no reaction were there :/


It was worth a try.

No reaction does not mean it hasn't had an impact.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@darken

How is your marriage in general?

Your moods, did they ever involve even a minimum amount of violence? (By either of you)

Was there a lot of shouting? (By either of you)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Keep communicating, but NOT about your relationship. Just enjoy talking to her. She'll hopefully get curious. 
Don't tell her you miss her more than once, and do not at the end, if you have to. Stop chatting in a high note, but don't blow her off. 
If she's communicating with you, that's a great sign. Don't push her. Let her cone to you. It's like chasing a puppy.😙
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @darken
> 
> How is your marriage in general?
> 
> ...


No never . Believe me. I didn't hit her never and any violence..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

darken said:


> No never . Believe me. I didn't hit her never and any violence..


That's great. And she didn't hit you, so that's all good!


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Keep communicating, but NOT about your relationship. Just enjoy talking to her. She'll hopefully get curious.
> Don't tell her you miss her more than once, and do not at the end, if you have to. Stop chatting in a high note, but don't blow her off.
> If she's communicating with you, that's a great sign. Don't push her. Let her cone to you. It's like chasing a puppy.😙
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @Evinrude58

As i mentioned in my previous post , i wrote her about changes and serious side of them yesterday, she answered me . She decided to call me suddenly (details as you see on previous post)

Today she suddenly wrote " Have a nice dreams . Good night " .

Then i responded as " Have a nice dream " .

As she said me , i wait her call .

I won't talk about relationship not to fire emotions because she is still nervous that's why i won't push her.

Thanks for tips , your tips really help me so much and i will be glad to hear from you always .


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> That's great. And she didn't hit you, so that's all good!


 @MattMatt thank you so much for tips too .
You are totaly right , impact is better than reaction.

I really don't know how to thank you all and see your supports.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

She wrote me today again and only " Have a nice dream"
I said " Have a nice dream . I miss you "

Then she said " me too but you know " 

The she told me that i need to change myself
Until this one , she can't say anything and promise.

She always repied that she wants to see act


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's looking to replace you. Guaranteed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Banned-It.45 said:


> She's looking to replace you. Guaranteed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not sure. She always repied that she wants to see act


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

darken said:


> She wrote me today again and only " Have a nice dream"
> I said " Have a nice dream . I miss you "
> 
> Then she said " me too but you know "
> ...


How do you feel about her request?

Are they demanding or reasonable?


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> How do you feel about her request?
> 
> Are they demanding or reasonable?


 @anchorwatch

I don't know reasonable or not.

I just try to convince her to get here without any pressure .
I don't say " Come come come " , you know what i mean.

Today in the morning she wrote again " What are you doing? ".
She wrote yesterday at night " I miss you too " 

I don't know she started to communicate a little, of course not so strong still as i want.

I don't know what to do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're not going to be able, but from what I'm reading, banned-it 45 may be exactly right---- she is looking for a replacement for you and is stringing you along to keep you as plan b. 
Could you list her complaints with you? What she wants you to take action on? 

Anytime there is a separation, it's likely the marriage is doomed. Its impossible to fix a relationship when a couple isn't actually together.
And A woman that needing "space" is usually needing it because they're looking to pursue other or another mAn.

Your best bet would be to stop communicating with her at all, stop letting her control you, and detach. If she loves you, she will come back home because she's afraid to lose you. If you keep pursuing, she will keep running. After she returns, you can take action on some of those self improvement things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> You're not going to be able, but from what I'm reading, banned-it 45 may be exactly right---- she is looking for a replacement for you and is stringing you along to keep you as plan b.
> Could you list her complaints with you? What she wants you to take action on?
> 
> Anytime there is a separation, it's likely the marriage is doomed. Its impossible to fix a relationship when a couple isn't actually together.
> ...


 @Evinrude58

She told me before the beginning of problems that she wants to have baby. I said ok before.

She texted me yesterday.

Actions :

1 - Getting a better jop to have a baby together comfortably . (She says I'll change jop then quickly we will for baby. Jop for better salary)
2 - Changing myself about mood ext. you know.

Thats all for now.

She writes only " Have a nice dream " after our phone converstation 2 days ago. " i miss you too " bla bla. 
Yesterday she wrote again about action as i mentioned above.

She didnt say that she need spaces


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Where do you two live if I may ask.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Banned-It.45 said:


> Where do you two live if I may ask.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I live with my wife in my country but she is at her mom, her mom lives in other country. 1 hour 50 min - far from here - air transport.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thanks for nailing that 20 down for us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Banned-It.45 said:


> Thanks for nailing that 20 down for us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry , i didn't understand. What do you mean?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

darken said:


> Sorry , i didn't understand. What do you mean?


Never mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

darken said:


> @Anie I just had a bad period and i became person like that only in that period.
> 
> How can you know that i'll do the same all over ? I only fight for myself and my wife.
> 
> ...


A few questions/comments

1. It appears you are from different cultures? Was this an arranged or love marriage?
2. Is there a big age difference between you, how old are you both?

3. YOu know you have neglected your wife, what were the reasons, were you needs being met in the marriage?

You have to give her space and instead of pining for her, take definitive steps to make yourself a better man, a man whom your wife wants to come home to, a man who will be a good role model for his kids. There is little point in talking with your wife, prove you are genuine in your actions.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

aine said:


> A few questions/comments
> 
> 1. It appears you are from different cultures? Was this an arranged or love marriage?
> 2. Is there a big age difference between you, how old are you both?
> ...


1- Sure this is a love marriage. First of all we dated then we started to live together , after all we decided to marry.
2- I'm 31 years old . She is 29 years old.
3- Reasons : 
In recent times - Being in bad mood and sometimes angry because of work, i did not give her enough time sometimes. 
But i always were with her, went out with her at weekends, she never stayed at home without me, i did not hang out without her 
and i did not commit any violence.

She always told me that i can be good role model for kids because i'm well educated and always think about future.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

I'm about to give up


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Banned-It.45 said:


> She's looking to replace you. Guaranteed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And may be taking applications. Hopefully she hasn't started the interview process.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Today i texted to write her " Have a nice dream " after her silence today . She read and did not answer.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This mKes zero sense for her to leave you until you get a better job; and says your temper is really bad, but if you get a better job, she'll come back and immediately have a baby with you. Just stop talking/texting her. Tell her you love her and if she wants to return to the marriage, you're willing but not interested in being plan b. Then go dark until she asks to trying and set a date in your mind for how long you're willing to wait for hercuo return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> This mKes zero sense for her to leave you until you get a better job; and says your temper is really bad, but if you get a better job, she'll come back and immediately have a baby with you. Just stop talking/texting her. Tell her you love her and if she wants to return to the marriage, you're willing but not interested in being plan b. Then go dark until she asks to trying and set a date in your mind for how long you're willing to wait for hercuo return.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @Evinrude58 i'm going to do it tomorrow at night! Today i texted to write her " Have a nice dream " after her silence today . She read and did not answer. It is really weird

Actions which she waits :

1 - Getting a better jop to have a baby together comfortably . (She says I'll change jop then quickly we will for baby. Jop for better salary)
2 - Changing myself about mood ext. you know.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

.


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> And may be taking applications. Hopefully she hasn't started the interview process.


@

@VladDracul may be directly asking her about that?


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Our last converstaion after her phone call 


Me : " Have a nice dream . I miss you "
She : " Have a a nice . I miss you but you know reason " 
Me : " I told you i started to change myself and i understood how i was "
She : " Show me action for everything"
Me : " Ok tell me what kind of actions all you need " 
She : " Change your jop for better salary to have a baby "
Me : " If i'll find new one and better salary . Will you come ? "
She : " Yes i will but if you changed your mood seriously and not only words "
Me : " Ok "
She : " Normal jop for normal salary to have a baby " 
Me : " I want to hug you and show how i wil be in good mood " 
She : " It is so important for me but you know , i told i want baby "
Me : " I want too "
She : " I'll look . How will you find a normal jop for it "


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

I think you may find, as I did that there comes a point in time when she's just not worth it anymore.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds like she's decided you aren't the money earner she deserves. If you get a better job? Can you?

I would teller you love her and will work toward making yourself a better person. Don't give her an ultimatum, don't ask her if she's seeing other men, don't ask her if she's looking.
After you tell her you're going to work in it---- have no further contact. If she contacts you, be upbeat but show zero emotional neediness from her. Don't ever talk about your relationship--- right now she has cancelled your marriage. That's bs. Anytime you let her know you miss her and want her back--- she has the support of knowing you are her plAn b and that you are the safe plan if finding a wealthier stud doesn't pan out for her.

Withdraw that support. Don't contact her and don't let her know you care, other tha. Saying you're going to work on things. She knows you want her--- and sadly that doesn't make her want you. You have to take her power away. 
There are other women out there. Don't let her control plan b you. Be someone's plan A.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sounds like she's decided you aren't the money earner she deserves. If you get a better job? Can you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She always emphasized on phone converstation that she does not want big car, she does not want home ext. , salary should be better to give birth to a child on better condition.

I try to find a better jop with better salary but i could not find yet and i still search for it over and over again.



Evinrude58 said:


> I would teller you love her and will work toward making yourself a better person. Don't give her an ultimatum, don't ask her if she's seeing other men, don't ask her if she's looking.
> After you tell her you're going to work in it---- have no further contact. If she contacts you, be upbeat but show zero emotional neediness from her. Don't ever talk about your relationship--- right now she has cancelled your marriage. That's bs. Anytime you let her know you miss her and want her back--- she has the support of knowing you are her plAn b and that you are the safe plan if finding a wealthier stud doesn't pan out for her.
> 
> Withdraw that support.
> ...


You mean that i don't need to show this support and i don't need to let her know i'm always here even if she will want to come back after year . i got it . You mean that if i'll show this support, she will always feel that i'm always ready as B plan.




Evinrude58 said:


> Don't give her an ultimatum, don't ask her if she's seeing other men, don't ask her if she's looking.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I won't ask anything . it is useless.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Basically, you should file for divorce, and go on with your life. A wife doesnt bail on you if you're not making enough money. 
If she comes back, you don't have to follow through with the divorce if you don't want to.

I just think once this stuff starts, it only gets worse. A person that loves you, wants to be with you.
She is showing you how she feels.
Show her how you feel about your wife not standing with you against the world.
So, you wint say which country you're in? It would help give insight as to your environment socially and culturally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darken (Jul 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Basically, you should file for divorce, and go on with your life. A wife doesnt bail on you if you're not making enough money.
> If she comes back, you don't have to follow through with the divorce if you don't want to.
> 
> I just think once this stuff starts, it only gets worse. A person that loves you, wants to be with you.
> ...


 @Evinrude58 whatever she doesn't respond anymore


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