# Hall pass for wife



## Dsw422

Hi all,

A bit of a backstory. My wife and I have been together since meeting in high school back in 2009. We've been married now since 2013, have 2 children (3 and 1). We are each others first and only. We are extremely open with eachother and have been basically from day one. 

With that said, the other day my wife and I had a very long talk. So she started a new job back in October and one of her coworkers is and older guy (18 years older). He apparently has had the hots for her from day one and has made it known. He is a married guy but also cheats all the time. My wife expressed to me that at first she was put off by the way he acted towards her, but recently she really likes it. She said it makes her feel good knowing another guy thinks of her in a sexual way. 

So last week one day, me and her got into a small fight in the morning. When she gets to work she confides in him about how she views our marriage. She said she has been unhappy for some time for a few reasons. We are pretty broke right now, she hates where we live and some of my family, she's thinks our sex has gotten boring even though I try to spice things up. He replied asking since she seems unhappy, would she ever cheat?. She said no, but thought about it and later came back she would. So he basically asked when.. 

Feeling guilty, she told my yesterday everyything she has been feeling and how this guy makes her feel. She is extremely curious to see what sex is like with another guy. 

At first I was like WTF!. But thought about it and only want her happy. My thinking was that if she needs to do this one time to be happy, then I should be ok with it. 

I know y'all are prolly thinking I'm an idiot and should either tell her not to even think about it or we should prolly just divorce. But I love her more than words can describe. I can't take losing her. 

What do y'all think and what would u do or say if u were in this situation??


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## Andy1001

I’d tell her to **** off out of my house and my life.
Is that clear enough for you.


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## SentHereForAReason

Dsw422 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> A bit of a backstory. My wife and I have been together since meeting in high school back in 2009. We've been married now since 2013, have 2 children (3 and 1). We are each others first and only. We are extremely open with eachother and have been basically from day one.
> 
> With that said, the other day my wife and I had a very long talk. So she started a new job back in October and one of her coworkers is and older guy (18 years older). He apparently has had the hots for her from day one and has made it known. He is a married guy but also cheats all the time. My wife expressed to me that at first she was put off by the way he acted towards her, but recently she really likes it. She said it makes her feel good knowing another guy thinks of her in a sexual way.
> 
> So last week one day, me and her got into a small fight in the morning. When she gets to work she confides in him about how she views our marriage. She said she has been unhappy for some time for a few reasons. We are pretty broke right now, she hates where we live and some of my family, she's thinks our sex has gotten boring even though I try to spice things up. He replied asking since she seems unhappy, would she ever cheat?. She said no, but thought about it and later came back she would. So he basically asked when..
> 
> Feeling guilty, she told my yesterday everyything she has been feeling and how this guy makes her feel. She is extremely curious to see what sex is like with another guy.
> 
> At first I was like WTF!. But thought about it and only want her happy. My thinking was that if she needs to do this one time to be happy, then I should be ok with it.
> 
> I know y'all are prolly thinking I'm an idiot and should either tell her not to even think about it or we should prolly just divorce. But I love her more than words can describe. I can't take losing her.
> 
> What do y'all think and what would u do or say if u were in this situation??


By no means am I an expert as how I failed to deal with my situation but sorry to tell you sir, you don't want to lose her but you already have. If you want to lose her, your self worth and you dignity for good, go ahead and let her do it. If you really love your wife and want to save your marriage. You both need counseling together and at the very least IC on why she would feel the need to do this and why in God's name you would even think of allowing it.

Kids 1 and 3 ... ugh. Let me start saying some prayers for them right now on the mess they are about to go through. There's too many things in the news as it is when toxic situations like this go south.


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## As'laDain

you let her bang other guys, you will most definitely lose her. you tell her that you will not remain married to her if she doesnt cut contact with him completely and leave her job, then you may lose her. 

but, its much more likely that she will simply leave you if she sees you as a man who has such little respect for himself that she can literally do anything she wants to you without you standing up for yourself.

thats just how these things usually play out.

personally, i would probably tell my wife to go right on ahead, right after i have spoken to every divorce lawyer in town and had her served.


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## Marc878

You are very naive for thinking that letting your wife have sex with a coworker will solve your problem.

I got news for you she's already in an emotional affair at best.

Your actions are weak and will make you look unnattractive to her. 

"I only want to make her happy"? 

Being a weak, passive doormat is the best way to lose. 

Better wake up and cut this off


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## NickyT

I have to agree that ok-ing this would probably lead to disaster. However, it sounds like she has a foot out the door. IMO, a person does not get to be a part time spouse. If they want to have sex with someone else or become emotionally intimate with someone else, then they need to get out and allow the other partner to move on with their life. And cheating with a known serial cheater?? Sad and dangerous.

My advice is stand up for yourself and your family. If this is what she wants, then she should move out and do whatever she wants. She gets to return when and if she convinces you that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you (basically, she would be starting 5 paces before square 1)

Good luck. Hall pass! Bull.


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## manwithnoname

Dsw422 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> A bit of a backstory. My wife and I have been together since meeting in high school back in 2009. We've been married now since 2013, have 2 children (3 and 1). We are each others first and only. We are extremely open with eachother and have been basically from day one.
> 
> With that said, the other day my wife and I had a very long talk. So she started a new job back in October and one of her coworkers is and older guy (18 years older). He apparently has had the hots for her from day one and has made it known. He is a married guy but also cheats all the time. My wife expressed to me that at first she was put off by the way he acted towards her, but recently she really likes it. She said it makes her feel good knowing another guy thinks of her in a sexual way.
> 
> So last week one day, me and her got into a small fight in the morning. When she gets to work she confides in him about how she views our marriage. She said she has been unhappy for some time for a few reasons. We are pretty broke right now, she hates where we live and some of my family, she's thinks our sex has gotten boring even though I try to spice things up. He replied asking since she seems unhappy, would she ever cheat?. She said no, but thought about it and later came back she would. So he basically asked when..
> 
> Feeling guilty, she told my yesterday everyything she has been feeling and how this guy makes her feel. She is extremely curious to see what sex is like with another guy.
> 
> At first I was like WTF!. But thought about it and only want her happy. My thinking was that if she needs to do this one time to be happy, then I should be ok with it.
> 
> I know *y'all are prolly thinking I'm an idiot* and should either tell her not to even think about it or we should prolly just divorce. But I love her more than words can describe. I can't take losing her.
> 
> What do y'all think and what would u do or say if u were in this situation??


Correct.


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## As'laDain

@Dsw422, does this hall pass extend to you? what if you told your wife that sure, she can have sex with someone else. but, you will do the same?

im not saying its a good idea, im just curious...


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## eric1

I feel horrible for your children


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## Married but Happy

Well, obviously this could destroy your marriage. That's the conventional wisdom, and it's accurate far more often than it's not. Honestly, there are huge risk factors in play here, and you must be able to see them and understand them, before any final decision. If you're going to possibly lose her anyway, then what's to lose? Of course, setting a firm boundary may also prevent losing anything. Decisions, decisions! Talk about it - a lot. Do that in depth, first.

My take - having experience with open marriage and other forms of consensual non-monogamy - is that jumping from monogamy to an open relationship is the most difficult and potentially disastrous path to non-monogamy. Some people do manage it, but there are often special circumstances that they carefully negotiate and navigate. It's not clear that you're in that category. And it doesn't seem - to me - that some minor sexual issues you have warrants this "solution." So, I would advise that you really take your time about deciding anything, and suggest that your default response should be "No," for now.

On the other hand, non-monogamous relationships aren't uncommon, and many are viable. Sure, there is a lot of risk, but clearly monogamy often doesn't work either, up to half the time. She may get something from pursuing this - but what do you get? Potentially heartache and divorce, at worst. If you really want to explore with other people sexually, start with something where you _both_ may have a good time and do it together, which will be a bonding experience. If you must, try swinging. There are many sites for this, and millions of potential partners. If you can handle that, then perhaps you can handle other things. Baby steps - don't just jump into the hardest form of non-monogamy, as you'll probably fail.


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## As'laDain

i think this situation is destined to fail anyway... its the typical situation of opening a marriage when a third party has already been selected. that rarely EVER works...

im not bashing consensual non-monogamy here... my wife and i are polyamorous. 

this doesn't just look like a recipe for disaster, it looks like disaster in the process...


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## She'sStillGotIt

Dsw422 said:


> So she started a new job back in October and one of her coworkers is and older guy (18 years older). He apparently has had the hots for her from day one and has made it known. He is a married guy but also cheats all the time.


Golly. *That's* a first. Why, I don't think I've ever heard of a middle-aged married mouth-breather slobbering after a woman 20 years younger than himself. 

Are you SURE about this?



> She said it makes her feel good knowing another guy thinks of her in a sexual way.


I've spent my entire life telling horn-dogs 'no' - some married, some not, some young 'pups' and some older guys. Why anyone would find it 'flattering' that some guy wants to have sex with her is beyond me. Most guys would nail a picket fence if they were sure they wouldn't get splinters and no one was watching. 

What the hell is so flattering about that?

And lastly, if you two want to play open marriage, there are PLENTY of single guys around who I'm sure would pick your wife over their neighbor's picket fence, so why don't you look for one of them instead of some married pig looking to put another notch in his belt?


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## Evinrude58

Dsw422 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> A bit of a backstory. My wife and I have been together since meeting in high school back in 2009. We've been married now since 2013, have 2 children (3 and 1). We are each others first and only. We are extremely open with eachother and have been basically from day one.
> 
> With that said, the other day my wife and I had a very long talk. So she started a new job back in October and one of her coworkers is and older guy (18 years older). He apparently has had the hots for her from day one and has made it known. He is a married guy but also cheats all the time. My wife expressed to me that at first she was put off by the way he acted towards her, but recently she really likes it. She said it makes her feel good knowing another guy thinks of her in a sexual way.
> 
> So last week one day, me and her got into a small fight in the morning. When she gets to work she confides in him about how she views our marriage. She said she has been unhappy for some time for a few reasons. We are pretty broke right now, she hates where we live and some of my family, she's thinks our sex has gotten boring even though I try to spice things up. He replied asking since she seems unhappy, would she ever cheat?. She said no, but thought about it and later came back she would. So he basically asked when..
> 
> Feeling guilty, she told my yesterday everyything she has been feeling and how this guy makes her feel. She is extremely curious to see what sex is like with another guy.
> 
> At first I was like WTF!. But thought about it and only want her happy. My thinking was that if she needs to do this one time to be happy, then I should be ok with it.
> 
> I know y'all are prolly thinking I'm an idiot and should either tell her not to even think about it or we should prolly just divorce. But I love her more than words can describe. I can't take losing her.
> 
> What do y'all think and what would u do or say if u were in this situation??


Yep, you knew what I’d say already.


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## sokillme

Dsw422 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> A bit of a backstory. My wife and I have been together since meeting in high school back in 2009. We've been married now since 2013, have 2 children (3 and 1). We are each others first and only. We are extremely open with eachother and have been basically from day one.
> 
> With that said, the other day my wife and I had a very long talk. So she started a new job back in October and one of her coworkers is and older guy (18 years older). He apparently has had the hots for her from day one and has made it known. He is a married guy but also cheats all the time. My wife expressed to me that at first she was put off by the way he acted towards her, but recently she really likes it. She said it makes her feel good knowing another guy thinks of her in a sexual way.
> 
> So last week one day, me and her got into a small fight in the morning. When she gets to work she confides in him about how she views our marriage. She said she has been unhappy for some time for a few reasons. We are pretty broke right now, she hates where we live and some of my family, she's thinks our sex has gotten boring even though I try to spice things up. He replied asking since she seems unhappy, would she ever cheat?. She said no, but thought about it and later came back she would. So he basically asked when..
> 
> Feeling guilty, she told my yesterday everyything she has been feeling and how this guy makes her feel. She is extremely curious to see what sex is like with another guy.
> 
> At first I was like WTF!. But thought about it and only want her happy. My thinking was that if she needs to do this one time to be happy, then I should be ok with it.
> 
> I know y'all are prolly thinking I'm an idiot and should either tell her not to even think about it or we should prolly just divorce. But I love her more than words can describe. I can't take losing her.
> 
> What do y'all think and what would u do or say if u were in this situation??


There is only one answer to this question. Me first. I will try it first as a test and see how it works out and then we can both decide if we want to move forward. 

Seriously dude? Look up codependency.


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## Dsw422

To those asking what will I get out of this, the answer is I don't know. 

I've made it clear with her that if she does do this, I know 1 of 2 things will happen. 

1. She fulfills her curiosity and is displeased with the feeling it gives her and she regrets it coming back to me.

2. She fulfills her curiosity and likes the feeling and further solidifies her curiosity of sexual relations with others. 

I of course am hoping for #1 to happen. But if #2 happens, we would sit down and figure out what route we choose to take. Obviously #2 means either divorce or a non-monogamous marriage. 

I myself can't imagine having sexual relations with another woman. So that leans towards divorce unfortunately. 

Y am I even considering this u may ask? There are multiple reasons. I've done a ton of reading on this so I already understand what can and may happen. I understand that once the curiosity was initiated in her mind, it basically made up her mind that she can't proceed without experiencing it. I am too freaking forgiving and loving that I'd let her do this to try and help solve her unhappiness..


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## Diana7

I feel sorry for your children who have a mother who clearly has little intention of being faithful. Even if she leaves her job and cuts off all contact with the OM, I fear the same thing will happen elsewhere because she has no integrity and no boundaries. 
Suggesting that she has sex with this awful man is a terrible idea. I hope that someone will be kind enough to tell his wife. 
Have you no self respect?


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## Evinrude58

Good sex is the result of a good partnership. Bad sex—-likely her fault as much as yours...


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## survivorwife

Dsw422 said:


> To those asking what will I get out of this, the answer is I don't know.
> 
> I've made it clear with her that if she does do this, I know 1 of 2 things will happen.
> 
> 1. She fulfills her curiosity and is displeased with the feeling it gives her and she regrets it coming back to me.
> 
> 2. She fulfills her curiosity and likes the feeling and further solidifies her curiosity of sexual relations with others.
> 
> I of course am hoping for #1 to happen. But if #2 happens, we would sit down and figure out what route we choose to take. Obviously #2 means either divorce or a non-monogamous marriage.
> 
> I myself can't imagine having sexual relations with another woman. So that leans towards divorce unfortunately.
> 
> Y am I even considering this u may ask? There are multiple reasons. I've done a ton of reading on this so I already understand what can and may happen. I understand that once the curiosity was initiated in her mind, it basically made up her mind that she can't proceed without experiencing it. I am too freaking forgiving and loving that I'd let her do this to try and help solve her unhappiness..


Frankly, that isn't being "loving" at all. If the first option happens, after her guilt wears off, she will also resent you for giving her permission to do something harmful to your marriage. If the second option happens, you will surely be divorced. Either option is not a "loving" option.

Does she have low self esteem? Does she think that this older, married "cheater" is, in any way, going to make her feel better? And how do you think she will look upon you when you are telling her to go ahead?

You might want to rethink your wedding vows and whether you really desire to make this marriage stronger. A "hall pass" (for either of you) spells disaster.


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## As'laDain

She'sStillGotIt said:


> *Most guys would nail a picket fence if they were sure they wouldn't get splinters and no one was watching. *
> 
> What the hell is so flattering about that?
> 
> And lastly, if you two want to play open marriage, there are PLENTY of single guys around who I'm sure would pick your wife over their neighbor's picket fence, so why don't you look for one of them instead of some married pig looking to put another notch in his belt?


omg, the mental imagery... lol, i almost spit out my coffee!

:lol::lol:


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## Rubix Cubed

Just tell her she can screw whoever she wants, just not as your wife. Her call, but it is anyway because you can't control what she does. I'd wager she sleeps with this guy (if she already hasn't) whether you say she can or not. You won't score ANY man points by being weak and giving her your permission to **** whatever swinging **** she can find. That's just showing her you are too weak to fight for your marriage.


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## Prodigal

Dsw422 said:


> I understand that once the curiosity was initiated in her mind, it basically made up her mind that she can't proceed without experiencing it. *I am too freaking forgiving and loving *that I'd let her do this to try and help solve her unhappiness.


Is that the current euphemism for "doormat"? I must have missed that in the millennial lexicon ....

For me, my marriage vows meant I wanted sexually exclusivity with my husband. If he wanted to screw around, fine. I also made it clear I would walk out the door and not look back.

Okay, your post may be genuine. However, it could also be bogus, given the somewhat outrageous nature of the situation you have described. Keep in mind, it is March and most colleges are on spring break. We tend to get some crazier-than-usual posts during college breaks.

If this is truly your marital situation, I will tell you that (1) I feel TRULY sorry for your children, and (2) you are naïve to the point that your marriage is going to go to hell if you allow your wife to sleep around.

SERIOUSLY.


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## MattMatt

Dsw422 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> A bit of a backstory. My wife and I have been together since meeting in high school back in 2009. We've been married now since 2013, have 2 children (3 and 1). We are each others first and only. We are extremely open with eachother and have been basically from day one.
> 
> With that said, the other day my wife and I had a very long talk. So she started a new job back in October and one of her coworkers is and older guy (18 years older). He apparently has had the hots for her from day one and has made it known. He is a married guy but also cheats all the time. My wife expressed to me that at first she was put off by the way he acted towards her, but recently she really likes it. She said it makes her feel good knowing another guy thinks of her in a sexual way.
> 
> So last week one day, me and her got into a small fight in the morning. When she gets to work she confides in him about how she views our marriage. She said she has been unhappy for some time for a few reasons. We are pretty broke right now, she hates where we live and some of my family, she's thinks our sex has gotten boring even though I try to spice things up. He replied asking since she seems unhappy, would she ever cheat?. She said no, but thought about it and later came back she would. So he basically asked when..
> 
> Feeling guilty, she told my yesterday everyything she has been feeling and how this guy makes her feel. She is extremely curious to see what sex is like with another guy.
> 
> At first I was like WTF!. But thought about it and only want her happy. My thinking was that if she needs to do this one time to be happy, then I should be ok with it.
> 
> I know y'all are prolly thinking I'm an idiot and should either tell her not to even think about it or we should prolly just divorce. But I love her more than words can describe. I can't take losing her.
> 
> What do y'all think and what would u do or say if u were in this situation??


 @Dsw422 I am probably one of the few people on TAM who have been where you are with a spouse demanding a "hall pass."

Allow it to happen and it will mess with your mind.

My only advice is, especially under the circumstances of having children, do not allow this to happen.

See a lawyer/solicitor and make sure your legal position is secure.


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## Diana7

Dsw422 said:


> To those asking what will I get out of this, the answer is I don't know.
> 
> I've made it clear with her that if she does do this, I know 1 of 2 things will happen.
> 
> 1. She fulfills her curiosity and is displeased with the feeling it gives her and she regrets it coming back to me.
> 
> 2. She fulfills her curiosity and likes the feeling and further solidifies her curiosity of sexual relations with others.
> 
> I of course am hoping for #1 to happen. But if #2 happens, we would sit down and figure out what route we choose to take. Obviously #2 means either divorce or a non-monogamous marriage.
> 
> I myself can't imagine having sexual relations with another woman. So that leans towards divorce unfortunately.
> 
> Y am I even considering this u may ask? There are multiple reasons. I've done a ton of reading on this so I already understand what can and may happen. I understand that once the curiosity was initiated in her mind, it basically made up her mind that she can't proceed without experiencing it. I am too freaking forgiving and loving that I'd let her do this to try and help solve her unhappiness..


I would have no respect at all for either
a) a spouse who thought it was ok to cheat, or 
b) a spouse that said they were ok with their spouse having sex with another person. 

What you are proposing is completely crazy but this marriage wont last anyway because she doesn't value faithfulness or integrity. I just wish you hadn't had children before you found out what sort of woman you were married to. 

Its hard to believe this is genuine, surely no man would be encouraging his wife to have sex with another man, especially one who may well have std's. 

Being loving is NOT being weak and wishy washy as you are, its being tough, standing up for your marriage and telling her that if she ever cheats the marriage is over immediately. Its setting clear boundaries for how you expect her to behave as your wife. Its being the man of the marriage and not enabling her affair. 
She isn't unhappy, she has no moral values.


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## The Middleman

Dsw422 said:


> At first I was like WTF!. But thought about it and only want her happy. My thinking was that if she needs to do this one time to be happy, then I should be ok with it.


Are you ****ing serious? Really? Where is your self respect?


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## Edo Edo

This is exactly why people shouldn't wait to get married before they have sex...


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## sokillme

Dsw422 said:


> To those asking what will I get out of this, the answer is I don't know.
> 
> I've made it clear with her that if she does do this, I know 1 of 2 things will happen.
> 
> 1. She fulfills her curiosity and is displeased with the feeling it gives her and she regrets it coming back to me.
> 
> 2. She fulfills her curiosity and likes the feeling and further solidifies her curiosity of sexual relations with others.
> 
> I of course am hoping for #1 to happen. But if #2 happens, we would sit down and figure out what route we choose to take. Obviously #2 means either divorce or a non-monogamous marriage.
> 
> I myself can't imagine having sexual relations with another woman. So that leans towards divorce unfortunately.
> 
> Y am I even considering this u may ask? There are multiple reasons. I've done a ton of reading on this so I already understand what can and may happen. I understand that once the curiosity was initiated in her mind, it basically made up her mind that she can't proceed without experiencing it. I am too freaking forgiving and loving that I'd let her do this to try and help solve her unhappiness..


For as awful as what she is doing I at least can understand it. I will never understand guys like you? What the hell happened to you to make you give up so easily. No offense but this attitude is worse for society then even your wife's.


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## sa58

First you married to young, and now she is curious
about other men. Second why is she even thinking 
about a married serial cheater. He does not have the hots for 
her he has the hots for anything willing to respond to him.
What STDS he may have and she may bring back to you.
Third how low is her self esteem to even consider him.
How low is your self esteem to even consider its ok.
She is (if not all ready) going to do this.With him or
somebody else. She has all ready complained to him 
about everything in your marriage, See a lawyer
(free legal aid) and move on. She has very little if any 
respect for you or your marriage and herself. 
I do feel sad for your kids thou, they are going to
have to grow up in this mess!! 
You should consider finding someone better.


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## chillymorn69

After reading your post....I threw up alittle in my mouth.

Just the stupidest thing I can think of.


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## Thor

Prodigal said:


> Is that the current euphemism for "doormat"? I must have missed that in the millennial lexicon ....


It's the result of "Don't judge me, Dude!".

Every generation tries to prove that they are somehow different, that the rules of nature don't apply to them. Eventually they mostly figure out that we're just primitive animals and that nothing has changed for thousands of years when it comes to male/female relationships. By then they're old and have many scars, complaining about the stupidity of the younger generations.


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## Marc878

Dsw422 said:


> To those asking what will I get out of this, the answer is I don't know.
> 
> I've made it clear with her that if she does do this, I know 1 of 2 things will happen.
> 
> 1. She fulfills her curiosity and is displeased with the feeling it gives her and she regrets it coming back to me.
> 
> 2. She fulfills her curiosity and likes the feeling and further solidifies her curiosity of sexual relations with others.
> 
> I of course am hoping for #1 to happen. But if #2 happens, we would sit down and figure out what route we choose to take. Obviously #2 means either divorce or a non-monogamous marriage.
> 
> I myself can't imagine having sexual relations with another woman. So that leans towards divorce unfortunately.
> 
> Y am I even considering this u may ask? There are multiple reasons. I've done a ton of reading on this so I already understand what can and may happen. I understand that once the curiosity was initiated in her mind, it basically made up her mind that she can't proceed without experiencing it. *I am too freaking forgiving and loving that I'd let her do this to try and help solve her unhappiness.*.


I think your fate is already sealed. It's a done deal now. You'll never get that horse back in the barn.


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## Mr. Nail

Despite she's still got it's pithy remarks about every man on the planet. This story boils down to a young mother of 2 toddlers who is so repressed by having to live in his town, near his family, that she is just humiliated. So to make it all better she wants permission to bang the town's resident Man HO. I think the picket fences better watch out for her.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Golly. *That's* a first. Why, I don't think I've ever heard of a middle-aged married mouth-breather slobbering after a woman 20 years younger than himself.
> 
> Are you SURE about this?
> 
> 
> I've spent my entire life telling horn-dogs 'no' - some married, some not, some young 'pups' and some older guys. Why anyone would find it 'flattering' that some guy wants to have sex with her is beyond me. *Most guys would nail a picket fence if they were sure they wouldn't get splinters and no one was watching. *
> 
> What the hell is so flattering about that?
> 
> And lastly, if you two want to play open marriage, there are PLENTY of single guys around who I'm sure would pick your wife over their neighbor's picket fence, so why don't you look for one of them instead of some married pig looking to put another notch in his belt?


:lol::rofl:
Gawd, you slay me sometimes!


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## Roselyn

Your wife is asking a hall pass for you & her to have deadly STDs. What are you two thinking? You have children. Sex with serial cheaters will lead you to six feet under, pushing daisies! Keep at it. The grim reaper will be under way.


----------



## [email protected]

I'm on an extended hall pass right now, although I fired my girlfriend a few days ago over drama. I don't do drama. My wife wants me to forgive her and she is flying up in three days. If the past is any guide to the present, she is going to sit down with the girlfriend and me to work out a reconciliation.

I've lived a life chock full of adventure most people wouldn't believe, and this little chapter has been one more example. But adventure comes with pain and suffering. It also cannot be taken on without training and experience. You don't just wade into the swamp among alligators and anacondas without knowing what you're doing.

It was my wife's idea for me to have girlfriends/mistresses, not mine. This is an important distinction from your case. My wife gets off on the idea of me with younger women. Like 40 years younger than me in the present case. But I refused in the beginning. When I started to warm up to the idea I first went out and did a lot of research on how open marriages worked, and how people recover from infidelity. 

I was surprised to learn from the surveys that people who do it right report higher satisfaction in marriage than monogamous couples. By "doing it right" that means we aren't talking about illicit affairs, but rather people agreeing beforehand and placing rules and boundaries on that everyone follows.

The time isn't right for my wife to have a hall pass because the kids are too young. I have work that I need to travel for and stay in a location long enough that a girlfriend or mistress makes sense and is helpful to me. Cooking, cleaning, running out for groceries and medicine or whatever - this isn't just a sexual thing. That's why I fired my girlfriend. She thought creating drama instead of doing her job made her powerful and controlling. In this situation though there is nothing for the kids to see and no weird secretive behavior necessary to hide it from them. No time missing from interacting with them since I am gone anyway. Even though my wife not only allows this but encourages it - she still has bouts of jealousy and there is nothing for the kids to see happening between us. We do video skype privately most days and text all through the day, so she can fire off a jealous retort to something and no harm done with the kids. 

Sexual affairs in the workplace have all kinds of additional risks. The "one time only" suggestion in your opening post is extremely naive too. If the sex is great, the drive is just going to be too compelling. And generally sex with a new partner has all kinds of excitement with it and no detriments like fighting over finances, home chores, children, etc. The affair partner gets the cream and none of the coffee grounds at the bottom of the cup. It is not a fair contest.

So you have a lot of studying to do before even considering this idea, and the conditions don't look so good with him being a co-worker and you having the idea it could be a one-off event. Man, the sex with this little 19 year old was spectacular for me but I am so in love with my wife and kids that it was easy to walk away from. She made the mistake of thinking fantastic sex would be an irresistible urge for me. But when you have fantastic sex with your wife - no. I don't work with her, so there are no professional repercussions. 

So this business of having trouble at home financially and otherwise, along with poor sex at home - this bodes ill. In a relationship like my wife and I have, your spouse is a rock and foundation that protects you from the cunning, manipulation, and deviousness of an affair partner.

The discussions we have are the reverse of yours: I am talking over the problems my girlfriend gives me with the wife instead of talking over the problems my wife gives me to the girlfriend. When I talk about my wife to the girlfriend, it is all about how much I love her and how understanding she is - how the wife is the boss and if she were to tell me to end it then I would immediately cut off relations with the girlfriend. 

I'm cool with my wife having a play toy, but the conditions just aren't right now. When she gets a little jealous she will blurt out something that reflects revenge sex motivations - and that's always disaster. When it happens, I just talk it over with her - go ahead and sketch this out for me honey: how are you meeting your candidates, what is the story with the kids, where are you doing it, etc. and it is obviously stupid, especially the motivation. Were a situation to arise that it was possible, my condition is that I talk to the guy and that she have a lot of information in advance that makes him and the whole scenario a good bet to begin with.

I don't see any of this with your situation. I have decades more life experience than my wife and she really trusts me to protect her from bad decisions. Your wife will appreciate being protected in this way in the long run. 

There are all kinds of land mines, and one of them is bad people who want to hurt you. A work affair is outstanding for that kind of risk. Someone who wants to hurt her at work can make trouble for her even if they are not a co-worker. Just someone who will expose and exploit a work affair to hurt her. Or hurt this guy, and she ends up being collateral damage. Likewise with his wife. 

So easy does it. No emergency here. Put the investment in studying the do's and don'ts. Make sure the marriage is rock-solid first. Know how to recover. Avoid the risk of enemy sabotage and collateral damage. You aren't anywhere near ready for this.


----------



## Sparta

Dude I always call it.! man I’m telling you she’s already ****ed him it’s a given. I go by my next indicated thought and that’s it man you she’s already ****ed him.! Your wife she’s a no good piece of **** she need to get the **** out of your house. OK what is OK. Why did she come to and confess that a guy wants to ****er no dude they already ****ed this is her way of dealing with her little guilt she actually feels because she knows OK what she did to the family she does she knows she hurt the family immensely even though it hasn’t eroded to that level yet. OP something tells me you know this is true.?


----------



## ABHale

Dsw422 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> A bit of a backstory. My wife and I have been together since meeting in high school back in 2009. We've been married now since 2013, have 2 children (3 and 1). We are each others first and only. We are extremely open with eachother and have been basically from day one.
> 
> With that said, the other day my wife and I had a very long talk. So she started a new job back in October and one of her coworkers is and older guy (18 years older). He apparently has had the hots for her from day one and has made it known. He is a married guy but also cheats all the time. My wife expressed to me that at first she was put off by the way he acted towards her, but recently she really likes it. She said it makes her feel good knowing another guy thinks of her in a sexual way.
> 
> So last week one day, me and her got into a small fight in the morning. When she gets to work she confides in him about how she views our marriage. She said she has been unhappy for some time for a few reasons. We are pretty broke right now, she hates where we live and some of my family, she's thinks our sex has gotten boring even though I try to spice things up. He replied asking since she seems unhappy, would she ever cheat?. She said no, but thought about it and later came back she would. So he basically asked when..
> 
> Feeling guilty, she told my yesterday everyything she has been feeling and how this guy makes her feel. She is extremely curious to see what sex is like with another guy.
> 
> At first I was like WTF!. But thought about it and only want her happy. My thinking was that if she needs to do this one time to be happy, then I should be ok with it.
> 
> I know y'all are prolly thinking I'm an idiot and should either tell her not to even think about it or we should prolly just divorce. But I love her more than words can describe. I can't take losing her.
> 
> What do y'all think and what would u do or say if u were in this situation??


Your a ****ing fool for not standing up for yourself. 

You have made yourself look weak in her eyes. 

Your wife is a fool as well. This is someone that is known for cheating, I wonder what type of baggage he can s carrying around. Your wife might get a present that she can’t return. 

So what is everyone she works with going to this about her ****ing the known cheater? What a rep she is going to have at work. Can’t wait. :grin2:

So your wife is ok to be another mans *****. 

It also looks like your are as well. You will be the locker room joke. Congrats


----------



## ABHale

Dsw422 said:


> To those asking what will I get out of this, the answer is I don't know.
> 
> I've made it clear with her that if she does do this, I know 1 of 2 things will happen.
> 
> 1. She fulfills her curiosity and is displeased with the feeling it gives her and she regrets it coming back to me.
> 
> 2. She fulfills her curiosity and likes the feeling and further solidifies her curiosity of sexual relations with others.
> 
> I of course am hoping for #1 to happen. But if #2 happens, we would sit down and figure out what route we choose to take. Obviously #2 means either divorce or a non-monogamous marriage.
> 
> I myself can't imagine having sexual relations with another woman. So that leans towards divorce unfortunately.
> 
> Y am I even considering this u may ask? There are multiple reasons. I've done a ton of reading on this so I already understand what can and may happen. I understand that once the curiosity was initiated in her mind, it basically made up her mind that she can't proceed without experiencing it. I am too freaking forgiving and loving that I'd let her do this to try and help solve her unhappiness..


You mean you are to weak to stand up for yourself and marriage. 

You have already killed your marriage by being weak when another man is wanting to bed your wife. You said ok, here she is. 

Your need to read No More Mr Nice Guy and file for divorce. Have her served at work after she has her romp with the disease ridden cheater. 

Don’t have sex with her again until she takes a full STD panel.


----------



## MattMatt

MODERATOR MESSAGE:-

There will be no more troll accusations in this thread. And please treat others with respect.

Deletion is guaranteed and other action might be taken.

There will be no more warnings.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Maybe she does really want to have sex with him. But she's also testing your suitability as a mate by gauging your reaction. So far it appears you're going to fail the test.


----------



## MattMatt

Tatsuhiko said:


> Maybe she does really want to have sex with him. But she's also testing your suitability as a mate by gauging your reaction. So far it appears you're going to fail the test.


Either that or she has different thought processes to other people?


----------



## poida

If you relationship has got to this point you have much much bigger problems than whether you facilitate and affair or not.

Your wife has no respect or desire for you and sees no future with you.

If you want my advice, it would be to SHOCK her back into reality.

Hand her divorce papers and tell her to decide what she wants. Does she want to work (HARD) on the marriage or leave?

Having said this, if you are not already highly offended and mad as h*ll by the whole situation, you may not be personally ready to save your marriage. You BOTH need shocking back into reality to grow personally and respect yourselves. Its a shame you haven't been able to do this in your marriage.


----------



## Lostinthought61

DSW you realize she wants an excuse to cheat...she wants your permission to cheat openly if you go along with this you get everything you deserve, because in my book and many here you the biggest idiot and when your marriage will fail you can only look at yourself...tell her yes she can see him as only if she will sign the divorce papers with you...please don't another cuckold guy. BTW did you tell her you want a hall pass as well and what did she say. nothing good will come out of this...because you know it will not be a one time thing.


----------



## stro

Dsw422 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> A bit of a backstory. My wife and I have been together since meeting in high school back in 2009. We've been married now since 2013, have 2 children (3 and 1). We are each others first and only. We are extremely open with eachother and have been basically from day one.
> 
> With that said, the other day my wife and I had a very long talk. So she started a new job back in October and one of her coworkers is and older guy (18 years older). He apparently has had the hots for her from day one and has made it known. He is a married guy but also cheats all the time. My wife expressed to me that at first she was put off by the way he acted towards her, but recently she really likes it. She said it makes her feel good knowing another guy thinks of her in a sexual way.
> 
> So last week one day, me and her got into a small fight in the morning. When she gets to work she confides in him about how she views our marriage. She said she has been unhappy for some time for a few reasons. We are pretty broke right now, she hates where we live and some of my family, she's thinks our sex has gotten boring even though I try to spice things up. He replied asking since she seems unhappy, would she ever cheat?. She said no, but thought about it and later came back she would. So he basically asked when..
> 
> Feeling guilty, she told my yesterday everyything she has been feeling and how this guy makes her feel. She is extremely curious to see what sex is like with another guy.
> 
> At first I was like WTF!. But thought about it and only want her happy. My thinking was that if she needs to do this one time to be happy, then I should be ok with it.
> 
> I know y'all are prolly thinking I'm an idiot and should either tell her not to even think about it or we should prolly just divorce. But I love her more than words can describe. I can't take losing her.
> 
> What do y'all think and what would u do or say if u were in this situation??


 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. A thousand times NO. There is zero chance this works out well. EJECT now before it’s to late. If you want to save your marriage, start loving and caring for your wife like your damn life depends on it. She is obviously looking for alternatives and you are about to roll out the red carpet for a guy to have SEX with your WIFE A Wife who is not feeling all that solid about her marriage and is confessing it to male co worker who is known to bed lots of women. She told said man she wants to cheat. All of this before she said anything to you! 

An open marriage only works in a small percent of marriages that are bold enough to try. It requires a very mature well rounded couple who understand the emotional and psychological impact that type of lifestyle brings. Based on what I have read in the above post, sorry, BUT THIS DOES NOT DESCRIBE YOU AND YOUR WIFE. Put a stop to this now because she is already halfway down the water slide. There MAY still be time to save her before she takes the plunge. I PROMISE if you allow even the idea of this to continue, your marriage will never be the same and it will likely be over sooner rather than later. Good luck.


----------



## threelittlestars

Am i the only one who thinks she has already slept with him? Kissed him? BJ'ed him?


----------



## Cromer

No way, no how. Why be married? Just let her go. She's already cheating and just wants your permission now. I don't get how men could agree to this at all.


----------



## MattMatt

threelittlestars said:


> Am i the only one who thinks she has already slept with him? Kissed him? BJ'ed him?


She might not have. But she intends to.


----------



## manwithnoname

MattMatt said:


> She might not have. *But she intends to*.


She's really hoping she gets permission. If she hasn't done anything yet, she likely will regardless of what OP wants or says.


----------



## Taxman

Hall Pass?
Say to her as follows: If you wish to sleep with someone else, please inform me today. Then, I shall start the divorce. Please leave and by the way, I had a brief talk with that guy, you will find his **** in a jar in our fridge.


----------



## MattMatt

Taxman said:


> Hall Pass?
> Say to her as follows: If you wish to sleep with someone else, please inform me today. Then, I shall start the divorce. Please leave and by the way, I had a brief talk with that guy, you will find his **** in a jar in our fridge.


Say: "Yes. But only on the provision that you arrange for me to have sex with his daughter, who, I believe, is close to your age? And, yes, whilst we are discussing this, now I am gaining understanding of what kind of a person you are, I really do need to see STD/HIV test results for you and also I feel it might be sensible to have the children DNA tested."


----------



## Nucking Futs

MattMatt said:


> She has. And she intends to again.



Fify.


----------



## Steve2.0

I would recommend a book called "hold on to your NUTS"

All about setting boundaries and not letting anyone get through... Also a chapter on making your wife feel desired...


----------



## Windwalker

OP, she's already ****ed him. If it hasn't happened it soon will. I don't believe for a second that it hasn't.

Where the hell is your self respect?
Send her ass packing and protect yourself and your children!


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

OP, you have most likely set up. She has already been with him and now wants to put it out in the open. 
We have seen that here and elsewhere over and over. 
No one comes out of left field with a open marriage out of the blue. Takes a lot of gall and a support network to bring that out in the open. Who is her support network? Where did she get the gumption to make this request?
Probably pillow talk with the other man or at the very least toxic friends to your marriage. 
Your marriage is close to toast. You better start really investigating to see what is really going on. Me thinks she is pulling the wool over your eyes.
BTW, if you think your wife is incapable of cheating and lying about it? Think again. You need to independently verify the nature if the relationship with this man, how she is communicating with him, is she spending time with him alone, etc.
Asking her to be honest about it is asking for heartache.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

threelittlestars said:


> Am i the only one who thinks she has already slept with him? Kissed him? BJ'ed him?


 You the only one? NOT by a longshot, a long, long, long shot.




manwithnoname said:


> She's really hoping she gets permission. If she hasn't done anything yet, she likely will regardless of what OP wants or says.


 The asking for permission to **** her OM is solely to relieve her guilt for already crossing that line and screwing OM. In a cheater's tangled mind that would somehow make her screwing OM BEFORE getting permission OK. A sort of assumptive agreement, with the OP not knowing the true terms of the agreement. She's already done the deed, probably numerous times and likely doing all the wild stuff she won't let Dsw422 do with her.


----------



## Windwalker

Rubix Cubed said:


> You the only one? NOT by a longshot, a long, long, long shot.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The asking for permission to **** her OM is solely to relieve her guilt for already crossing that line and screwing OM. In a cheater's tangled mind that would somehow make her screwing OM BEFORE getting permission OK. A sort of assumptive agreement, with the OP not knowing the true terms of the agreement. She's already done the deed, probably numerous times and likely doing all the wild stuff she won't let Dsw422 do with her.


Amen brother! 
QFT!


----------



## frusdil

OP how can you even consider this? I can't even...omg. I feel so sad for you, your self esteem must be in the toilet for you to even consider allowing this to happen.

Don't wedding vows mean anything anymore?

This is the kind of thing that cheapens sex and makes it seem dirty. It is absolutely possible to have a healthy, exciting and fulfilling sex life with your SPOUSE. And ONLY your spouse. It's called learning, trying new things, loving and respecting each other enough to want to do those things together.

This whole thing is just yuck.


----------



## Diana7

Edo Edo said:


> This is exactly why people shouldn't wait to get married before they have sex...


Sorry but what has that got to do with his wife being a cheat and having no moral values?


----------



## Diana7

Say, yes that's fine, the divorce papers will be in the post. Have some self respect man. Tell her that in no way will you put up with a wife who think its ok to cheat. She may even respect you.


----------



## Evinrude58

frusdil said:


> OP how can you even consider this? I can't even...omg. I feel so sad for you, your self esteem must be in the toilet for you to even consider allowing this to happen.
> 
> Don't wedding vows mean anything anymore?
> 
> This is the kind of thing that cheapens sex and makes it seem dirty. It is absolutely possible to have a healthy, exciting and fulfilling sex life with your SPOUSE. And ONLY your spouse. It's called learning, trying new things, loving and respecting each other enough to want to do those things together.
> 
> This whole thing is just yuck.


It’s hard to mess up sex when two people are in love..,, it’s really easy to much it up when one partner is eyeballing the old guy in the mailroom who one imagines has a bigger tallywqcker....

How many times have we read that the wayward spouse said “the sex really wasn’t that good”...
It may not have been, but the feelings were there, screwed up felling or not, and that made I worth continuing.

OP has apparently left for the hills...
He’d be better off filing for divorce. His wife doesn’t love him if she’s wanting another dude’s wanger in her.


----------



## MattMatt

frusdil said:


> OP how can you even consider this? I can't even...omg. I feel so sad for you, your self esteem must be in the toilet for you to even consider allowing this to happen.
> 
> Don't wedding vows mean anything anymore?
> 
> This is the kind of thing that cheapens sex and makes it seem dirty. It is absolutely possible to have a healthy, exciting and fulfilling sex life with your SPOUSE. And ONLY your spouse. It's called learning, trying new things, loving and respecting each other enough to want to do those things together.
> 
> This whole thing is just yuck.


How could he even consider this? Because he loves her, because he loves their children, because he can't bear thinking of a life without his wife or his children.

Plus he will be in shock and will feel as if someone has smashed an anvil into his chest.


----------



## ConanHub

I'm not sure I even want to try and understand the phenomenon of men like OP.

They would appear to be a dead end on many levels.

Maybe there is a reason his wife is attracted to a piece of **** 💩.

The middle aged cheating ******* is aggressive. Trying to claim her even though he already has a woman.

Man up OP. Go after OM's wife or something.

Right now you are acting like a wimpy **** and it apparently doesn't do much for your woman.


----------



## Malaise

Windwalker said:


> OP, she's already ****ed him. If it hasn't happened it soon will. I don't believe for a second that it hasn't.


Yep.


----------



## Keke24

Dsw422 said:


> To those asking what will I get out of this, the answer is I don't know.
> 
> I've made it clear with her that if she does do this, I know 1 of 2 things will happen.
> 
> 1. She fulfills her curiosity and is displeased with the feeling it gives her and she regrets it coming back to me.
> 
> 2. She fulfills her curiosity and likes the feeling and further solidifies her curiosity of sexual relations with others.
> 
> I of course am hoping for #1 to happen. But if #2 happens, we would sit down and figure out what route we choose to take. Obviously #2 means either divorce or a non-monogamous marriage.
> 
> I myself can't imagine having sexual relations with another woman. So that leans towards divorce unfortunately.
> 
> Y am I even considering this u may ask? There are multiple reasons. I've done a ton of reading on this so I already understand what can and may happen. I understand that once the curiosity was initiated in her mind, it basically made up her mind that she can't proceed without experiencing it. I am too freaking forgiving and loving that I'd let her do this to try and help solve her unhappiness..



OP, you sound exactly like my ex except he initially suggested the open relationship in response to me being bored/dissatisfied with sex.

What you're clearly failing to anticipate is your wife's complete loss of respect for you as a man who is supposed to protect your family by all means necessary, and her disgust with you for being satisfied with another man's seconds. Whether she enjoys the sex or not, she's going to question why her husband and the father of her children did not love her enough to protect her/her sexual innocence from others because you can bet that this OM will: make it clear to her that he would never allow that to happen to his woman or he will your wife feeling cheap/used. Either way, you take the fall.

You have a problem in your marriage and instead of addressing it, the two of you are trying to put a dirty ass band-aid on it. Go ahead, worsen the infection because your nice guy persona has you convinced that if you're nice enough and do what makes her happy, she'll see how awesome you are and love you for it. Not how it works. Do you think your wife wants to **** this guy's brains out because he's nice?? Heck NO. It's because he's he exact opposite of you; he's confident, he's assertive, he doesn't give a **** what she thinks about him, he certainly doesn't put her on a pedestal and he puts his needs first. 

You allowing her to have sex with others while you sit on the sidelines and wait obediently... Oh yeah that's real attractive, super sexy.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

She sees you as a doormat. Wake up and smell the coffee. She has already done the horizontal mambo with this clown. What she wants now is your ok to continue. I would simply tell her if she bangs the other guy you are gone. 
Why in the hell would anyone want to live in such a relationship as a damn cuckhold is beyond me? You need to develop some self respect. If you do not respect yourself no one else will.


----------



## tom72

Guess we won't see OP for a little while. When we do, it'll be in the infedality section


----------



## Welsh15

Dsw422 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> A bit of a backstory. My wife and I have been together since meeting in high school back in 2009. We've been married now since 2013, have 2 children (3 and 1). We are each others first and only. We are extremely open with eachother and have been basically from day one.
> 
> With that said, the other day my wife and I had a very long talk. So she started a new job back in October and one of her coworkers is and older guy (18 years older). He apparently has had the hots for her from day one and has made it known. He is a married guy but also cheats all the time. My wife expressed to me that at first she was put off by the way he acted towards her, but recently she really likes it. She said it makes her feel good knowing another guy thinks of her in a sexual way.
> 
> So last week one day, me and her got into a small fight in the morning. When she gets to work she confides in him about how she views our marriage. She said she has been unhappy for some time for a few reasons. We are pretty broke right now, she hates where we live and some of my family, she's thinks our sex has gotten boring even though I try to spice things up. He replied asking since she seems unhappy, would she ever cheat?. She said no, but thought about it and later came back she would. So he basically asked when..
> 
> Feeling guilty, she told my yesterday everyything she has been feeling and how this guy makes her feel. She is extremely curious to see what sex is like with another guy.
> 
> At first I was like WTF!. But thought about it and only want her happy. My thinking was that if she needs to do this one time to be happy, then I should be ok with it.
> 
> I know y'all are prolly thinking I'm an idiot and should either tell her not to even think about it or we should prolly just divorce. But I love her more than words can describe. I can't take losing her.
> 
> What do y'all think and what would u do or say if u were in this situation??


You sir would be a cuckold...


----------



## Lostinthought61

I think we ran him off, that or he allowed her to have her hall pass and now he regrets it.


----------



## threelittlestars

I hope he comes back.... 


I am sorry if he was upset... But he has very good reason to upset.


----------



## Taxman

One of my clients was presented this question. He had a unique answer: She wanted to experience some strange, so he listed her in the "backpages". He set her fees, and waited. He set up a new email account, and within minutes it was overflowing. He passed it over to her, and said, if you need to get f*cked, then at least you can pay the mortgage off. He got a one finger salute, and the matter was dropped forever more.


----------



## [email protected]

Taxman said:


> One of my clients was presented this question. He had a unique answer: She wanted to experience some strange, so he listed her in the "backpages". He set her fees, and waited. He set up a new email account, and within minutes it was overflowing. He passed it over to her, and said, if you need to get f*cked, then at least you can pay the mortgage off. He got a one finger salute, and the matter was dropped forever more.


Sounds like a tale developed over a few beers. I suppose it is an attempt to be witty about calling her a prostitute and bank on people believing she's so offended by the suggestion that it makes her forever drop the idea.

I don't. 

Realistically, if I say I like some little 19 year old hottie and my wife proposes some fat old pigs who will pay me as an alternative - how is that an answer?

It isn't.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Lord no. No with a capital N. 
This is so far out of ever being a helpful thing it doesn't really need an answer. 
But, and I hate to say it, very little in human relationships are 100% one way or the other, so at your peril.


----------



## SunCMars

gowithuhtred said:


> Lord no. No with a capital N.
> This is so far out of ever being a helpful thing it doesn't really need an answer.
> But, and I hate to say it, very little in human relationships are 100% one way or the other, so at your peril.


Uhtred Uhtred, son of Uhtred, you a maiden of Uhtred.

A Pagan was Uhtred. You words pious.

I concur with you.


----------



## biwing

After reading all of this, I feel that I must post a response.......

My wife and I have been happily married for 49 years. We were virgins at marriage. Over the course of our relationship, fantasy's were and have been discussed and we talked about each one extensively coming to a workable solution for each of us. (Some were tried, some were not.)

We were very realistic in our expectations, stable in our relationship, discussed rules, had safe words etc, all of which kept us feeling safe and together, mutually expanding our horizons.

That being said ...... we have lived the OP's situation except for the fact that the fantasy was discussed with both of us wanting it or at least to try it beforehand. We tried it except we decided that the first was to be a mutual friend, not a co-worker due to the complications that it would afford. (My dad's advice 'Never fish in the company pool!') We both came away from the first time happy to have experienced it and ultimately after discussing in detail what each got from the act, decided to do it several times again over the years, because it brought excitement and change to the routine of sex.

I'm not saying that it is for everyone, but would like to state that it could happen and work out just fine, based on our marriage and lives.


----------



## Keke24

biwing said:


> After reading all of this, I feel that I must post a response.......
> 
> My wife and I have been happily married for 49 years. We were virgins at marriage. Over the course of our relationship, fantasy's were and have been discussed and we talked about each one extensively coming to a workable solution for each of us. (Some were tried, some were not.)
> 
> We were very realistic in our expectations, stable in our relationship, discussed rules, had safe words etc, all of which kept us feeling safe and together, mutually expanding our horizons.
> 
> That being said ...... we have lived the OP's situation except for the fact that the fantasy was discussed with both of us wanting it or at least to try it beforehand. We tried it except we decided that the first was to be a mutual friend, not a co-worker due to the complications that it would afford. (My dad's advice 'Never fish in the company pool!') We both came away from the first time happy to have experienced it and ultimately after discussing in detail what each got from the act, decided to do it several times again over the years, because it brought excitement and change to the routine of sex.
> 
> I'm not saying that it is for everyone, but would like to state that it could happen and work out just fine, based on our marriage and lives.


The BIG difference here @biwing is that it sounds like you two had a healthy relationship and were looking to experience this to pursue sexual fantasy.

The OP on the other hand, stated clearly in his OP that his wife is unhappy with their marriage, and her interest in OM started out with her complaining to him about her marriage.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

"Hall Pass" is such an innocuous term for something so horribly, horribly wrong.


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## Windwalker

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> "Hall Pass" is such an innocuous term for something so horribly, horribly wrong.


Useless ****ing homewrecker Pass?

That work better?


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## biwing

1. I posted because the majority of posters come across as if this act is the ultimate demise of a relationship. I just wanted to point out that it isn't in all cases.

2. I also wanted to point out that communication between a couple is of paramount necessity, to survive and can be started at any time in the relationship.

They have started in the communication by the OP's statement of 'having a long talk the other day' and of it starting with the wife instead of him. (This fantasy is most often started by the male.) They need to continue this communication and reach a settlement that is satisifactory to each of them. This could take a long time ............ In my wife's and my case it was three years in the making.

Both of these premises are involved and in need in the OP story as presented. We do not know the whole story, only his side. There could be a whole lot of information left out such as discussions that have taken place in the past. I would very much like to hear her side of the story.


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## Windwalker

biwing said:


> 1. I posted because the majority of posters come across as if this act is the ultimate demise of a relationship. I just wanted to point out that it isn't in all cases.for you!
> 
> 2. I also wanted to point out that communication between a couple is of paramount necessity, to survive and can be started at any time in the relationship.
> 
> They have started in the communication by the OP's statement of 'having a long talk the other day' and of it starting with the wife instead of him. (This fantasy is most often started by the male.) They need to continue this communication and reach a settlement that is satisifactory to each of them. This could take a long time ............ In my wife's and my case it was three years in the making.
> 
> Both of these premises are involved and in need in the OP story as presented. We do not know the whole story, only his side. There could be a whole lot of information left out such as discussions that have taken place in the past. I would very much like to hear her side of the story.


There, I fixed it for you.

My old lady even mentions something idiotic like that and I'll go straight to the computer and print off divorce papers.

Some of us have an extremely low tolerance for BS. Speaking for myself of course.


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## StarFires

biwing said:


> 1. I posted because the majority of posters come across as if this act is the ultimate demise of a relationship. I just wanted to point out that it isn't in all cases.
> 
> 2. I also wanted to point out that communication between a couple is of paramount necessity, to survive and can be started at any time in the relationship.
> 
> They have started in the communication by the OP's statement of 'having a long talk the other day' and of it starting with the wife instead of him. (This fantasy is most often started by the male.) They need to continue this communication and reach a settlement that is satisifactory to each of them. This could take a long time ............ In my wife's and my case it was three years in the making.
> 
> Both of these premises are involved and in need in the OP story as presented. We do not know the whole story, only his side. There could be a whole lot of information left out such as discussions that have taken place in the past. I would very much like to hear her side of the story.



The first time you posted was a little confusing but this ...."we have lived the OP's situation except for the fact that the fantasy was discussed with both of us wanting it or at least to try it beforehand .... sounds like you did it together, and you did it to play out a mutual fantasy. But I don't know what you mean by "or at least to try it beforehand" means.

So your premise is to suggest the OP and his wife need to communicate what they want, but what she is communicating is not a mutual fantasy. She wants to cheat and sleep with this guy she works with and that's all. She isn't proposing THEY act out their fantasies and isn't proposing they do it together.

Maybe what you're trying to get at is he should have countered with his own proposal that they both cheat (or both act out their fantasies), and I agree with that since he is okay with letting his wife sleep with other people in order to make her happy, he should have added that he will also sleep with others, and theirs can be an open marriage, which is okay so long as they are both onboard.

However, the way she proposed this was, in itself, was a way of cheating him out of any sense of a safe environment. She did it to make him afraid of losing his marriage due to her unhappiness and also REALLY insulted him by criticising his sexual prowess. He duly became fearful and offended with a heavy dose of self conscious on the side.

She lambasted the poor guy, who possibly already had some insecurities about his sexual prowess being that he was inexperienced when they married. So that would naturally play a big part in his decision not knowing the end of his marriage is closer than he thinks. The worst part is he will blame himself.


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## Luminous

This is a pivotal point in your life, where you either discover that women (in general) will sh!t test you and push you until you stand your ground and draw a line in the sand. 

If you want your wife (or other women for that matter) to respect you, you need to do the hardest thing possible. And that is to stand up for yourself, at the risk of losing them. A woman does not want to [email protected]#k a nice guy/doormat, and you will continue to be miserable if you cannot stand up for yourself. 

Another thing to consider, you have two kids that are starting to look at you as their main role model. What type of example do you want them to see? A man who is a pushover, and has no backbone? Or a man that is strong, virtuous, and principled. Because a son will look at your example and believe that is what it takes to get a women, and a daughter will look upon you as an example of the type of man she ends up with... It no longer affects just you.

Stand tall, you may go through hell but you will come out the other side with your dignity intact.

Like others on here, any other option might make you feel better in the very short term, but you will be in for a long haul of misery.

Best of luck.


Luminous


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