# just venting ....



## Confused1979 (Jan 4, 2010)

I am going to try to make this as short as possible otherwise I could write a book of my heartache. So I have been with my H for almost 10 years married 5 out of the 10. We have 3 children together. Let me first say he is my first love....we have been through more then most couples have gone through together. I have blamed him for some of it in the past eventhough I was at fault as well for giving in to him. He has never been some what of a family man like I would like him to be. He loves his kids and interacts with them but hardly EVER spends 1-1 time with them. He is always out and about visiting friends or helping his friends with whatever. His friends are always around we rarely have any time together. Its for the most part always been this way. My sister as well as others tell me he lives his life like a bachelor coming and going as he wishes....and most of the time I let him because I don't want him to feel held back by me or like a NAG. It seems as though he can't stand to be at home with us. For example on Christmas he was angry and irritated and said he wished he had gone to work rather then be stuck at home, and slept a good portion of the day away. It hurt my feelings and I can only imagine my kids' feelings as well. He has always had anger issues and can take it out on us as far as having to deal with his crabbyness in which we feel we have to walk on egg shells around him. I work overnights and he works days currently so we don't have to pay for daycare because we can't afford it and we would prefer our kids weren't in daycare as well. I have worked this shift for the last 6 years practically and it has caused us major problems in our relationship. I am always tired from getting a few hours of sleep then waking up to take care of the kids and he doesn't understand why I sleep so much when he is home. I also have hypothyroidism which I think takes a toll on my body as well and makes me super zombie like. I keep telling him just a couple more years then he can have me at night again as well as the kids. When I 1st started this shift we had MAJOR issues of infidelity on his part and I was also pregnant with our 2nd child at that time. We had a short seperation of about a month and I let him back in. I held a grudge for quite sometime after that and in many ways hated him for what he did to me and my kids. I barely got over it about a year ago and it still floats in my mind. I can't say I was 100% innocent...I later had a short fling in which that came to surface and caused major heartache again in our relationship. I knew it was wrong and I felt terrible after being founded out and knew the heartache he felt. But once that happened in the fall of '08 we decided to work on our marriage 100% and give our all to eachother. 2009 for us was a GREAT year....we still had our issues with me being sleepy and him not understanding and little petty things but I felt like we we're truly best friends and lovers again. Although his friends still did seem like they came first most of the time....but I figured why ruin something that seemed good. Flash Forward to New Years Eve 2009....he went out with two couples that were his friends....I felt sad that he preferred to spend it with them rather then us (being me and the kids) he even volunteered me to watch his friends 7 year old daughter. She isn't bad but I just wanted it to be me and the kids. ANYWAYS, I took some Nyquil because I was sick and feeling anxious and alone and didn't want 17238472 thoughts running through my head where I couldn't sleep. I wished him a Happy New Years via text even though I felt sad deep inside and fell asleep around 1am. I woke up at 430am to realize he still wasn't home. Where I live the bars close at 2am. I tried calling his phone numerous times no answer. I then called him best friends phone with no answer. I finally left a voicemail for his friend saying if your with my H have him give me a call I am worried. Now let me take a quick minute to say I hardly go out because since him and I have been together he has always been jealous or as he says "concerned" that I may get to drunk or someone may slip me something in my drink and he thinks I would be totally irresponsible as a whole. When I have gone out I've come home to him angry and being rude towards me for having fun with some friends. So in order to avoid the fights....I just don't go out....truly it seems I don't have any friends period. So back to the story I couldn't get a hold of him I was worried something had happened like he was hurt or got arrested or something. I called the hospitals and local jails and they said noone by his or his friends names had come in. I then look outside to see my car was in the front which he took when he left. I texted his other friend and asked if they had seen him at all because I was very concerned. The phone then rings. Its my H...drunk and said he lost his phone. He said he had tried to call but the call wasn't going through. I got angry at him because I was worried he was hurt or worse. I didn't get why he couldn't text atleast?? he should know I would eventually get it? So he ended up not being able to get home until the next day and he spent the night at his friends house. I don't know what happened or what he was doing or why he wasn't responsible enough to let me know. He came home the next day acting like nothing ever happened.....we finally got a few words in today but he kept believing he did nothing wrong keeping me in the dark. So I come to work and he texted me telling me he just wasn't happy all of a sudden... I just don't understand what I have done wrong or if I did anything wrong? Sorry if this is all jumbled or if I wrote to much just venting my feelings and I am so confused 

Any thoughts?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sounds like he only wants you and the kids around when it is convenient for him. That isn't how a family works. My H did this for a while. It was nice to have us when he had a bad day or needed something, but the rest of the time we should just disappear into thin air and wait until we are needed again. 

I am just going to say that it is disrespectful to go out all night and not even keep your wife in the loop when you get too bad off to come home. A simple call saying hey I am too bad to get home, I am staying here would have been better than nothing. I don't think you did anything wrong, I think he is just taking advantage of you.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Your hubby sounds a lot like my ex-husband. Just add drugs, and it's pretty much him.

The reason my ex didn't want me going out was the same he gave you. The real reason he didn't want me to go do anything? He was sure that I'd go out and behave just like he did all the time.


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## Confused1979 (Jan 4, 2010)

ok its nice to know its not just me as he says it is. 
@scarlet blue yes its very true...after what he did and not being responsible enough to tell me what was going on it was everything he was supposedly worried about me doing! which my friends would make sure I got home atleast unlike his. 

Anyways...Do anyone think I am delusional in hoping for the past 10 years he will just "grow out of it"? and for me to keep hoping he will?


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## Confused1979 (Jan 4, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Sounds like he only wants you and the kids around when it is convenient for him. That isn't how a family works. My H did this for a while. It was nice to have us when he had a bad day or needed something, but the rest of the time we should just disappear into thin air and wait until we are needed again. .



this is exactly right. So did your H just stop doing it or did you have to talk to him or?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My H realized that if he wanted a family of convenience, he was gonna have to go find a new one. I wasn't about to be a wife ONLY when he needed me to be. I was his wife all the time. We sat down and talked one night and I told him this: 

I don't want to be without you. But I don't want to be with someone who only wants me around when it is to pick him back up and dust him off when he is down. I want to be with someone who wants me there for everything. If that isn't you then be fair and let the kids and I move on. I never wanted to be a single mom, but with the way things are now, I am anyway. 

We talked in depth about his never wanting to be there for the kids unless it was on his terms. And for me. I had to tell him specifically what I wanted from him. I want you to take the kids out every now and again and get some time in with them. Get some time in with me and actually want to be here with me. Not only be there because you have to be.


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## Confused1979 (Jan 4, 2010)

^^well we are in desperate need to sit down together and talk. I think alot of the times he thinks I am just nagging him or whining. I will try it and see how it goes....there is a lot fo tension between him and I right now. But tonight is my friday and we will be able to get some good talk time in hopefully the next few nights. Thanks for the info DawnD!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Best of luck with it honey. Make sure you give him plenty opportunity to explain or tell you WHY he thought this was okay. Turns out my H wanted to be needed, but not in the same way I was asking for. So when I fixed that, he in turn wanted to be there for me too.


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