# The Giver



## alg1216 (May 27, 2014)

Married: one year
Age: 24

I am naturally a giver, but in order to make a successful relationship, the partner needs to give too. My husband's job is stressful, and even though I have a full-time job too, I cook, clean, and take care of the dogs to make his life easier (he had gotten upset about the "chores" that need to be done, so he wanted to hire a maid...yeah right). Here are my issues...

1) I feel stupid around him. He's an extremely intelligent man who talks about philosophy, economics, sociology... unfortunately, I do not have the background in those fields, so I cannot always contribute to conversations. Or, I have to ask him to rephrase questions or comments several times in one conversation. I can tell he gets tired of it, and often he just says "nevermind" and walks away. I try and get him to keep up the subject, but it doesn't work. 
2) I found porn on the computer. I asked him about it, to which he replied "I like a variety of women. I watch porn because I think it's fun." Also, he says he fantasizes about other women and wonders what it would have been like if him and his ex-girlfriend worked out. Essentially, he still thinks and wonders about his "ex" (really just a summer fling). 
3) We had talked about having kids before we got married, and after, then he surprises me one day by saying he never wanted kids and I "misunderstood" him. 
4) He doesn't think I'm "authentic" or that I have any interests...which I do (painting, reading, movies, English, etc.). 

It's like he wants me to be him. But I'm not him. I constantly give and give and give. I am always the one to compromise. He gets tired of me compromising, but he doesn't really try to help the situation. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of the tears. I'm hurt, and I need some advice.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Get out and find someone who loves you for you. Seriously. That's just balls.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alg1216 said:


> (he had gotten upset about the "chores" that need to be done, so he wanted to hire a maid...yeah right).


What is wrong with hiring a maid to help out once a week or so?

You have a full time job. What % of your joint income do you earn?


alg1216 said:


> 1) I feel stupid around him. He's an extremely intelligent man who talks about philosophy, economics, sociology... unfortunately, I do not have the background in those fields, so I cannot always contribute to conversations. Or, I have to ask him to rephrase questions or comments several times in one conversation. I can tell he gets tired of it, and often he just says "nevermind" and walks away. I try and get him to keep up the subject, but it doesn't work.


There is no reason for him to do this. Any topic can been talked about in a manner that you could understand what he’s saying. He does this as a way to make himself feel superior. He’s an insecure man so this helps to make himself feel superior.


alg1216 said:


> 2) I found porn on the computer. I asked him about it, to which he replied "I like a variety of women. I watch porn because I think it's fun." Also, he says he fantasizes about other women and wonders what it would have been like if him and his ex-girlfriend worked out. Essentially, he still thinks and wonders about his "ex" (really just a summer fling).


Some people are ok with their spouse watching porn, some are not. Did the two of you discuss this before marriage? 


alg1216 said:


> 3) We had talked about having kids before we got married, and after, then he surprises me one day by saying he never wanted kids and I "misunderstood" him.


This is a deal breaker. He tricked you by telling you that he wanted kids. Now that you are married he’s lying about it. If you want children he is not the man for you. What he has done is very cruel and unacceptable. 


alg1216 said:


> 4) He doesn't think I'm "authentic" or that I have any interests...which I do (painting, reading, movies, English, etc.).


More of him putting you down to make himself feel superior.


alg1216 said:


> 4It's like he wants me to be him. But I'm not him. I constantly give and give and give. I am always the one to compromise. He gets tired of me compromising, but he doesn't really try to help the situation. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of the tears. I'm hurt, and I need some advice.


This is not a healthy marriage. You have found out early. Perhaps it’s time for you to leave before you spend years being treated like this and you pass up the chance to have the children you want.

How long did you date him before marriage?


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## alg1216 (May 27, 2014)

We don't make enough money to have a maid. And it's just the two of us and dogs! We're clean people, and we hardly make a mess. Sometimes it's just a few dishes in the sink. 

We didn't date for that long. It's a complicated story, but basically...we met in college. We were friends. I met him after he broke-up with his g/f. That was in April/May, and we didn't see each other until November. He's in the military. We kept a relationship over the phone for seven months and he asked to marry me. Yes, it was very quick and probably irrational on my part?

I've talked with him about not feeling good enough or my looks aren't what he wants, and his reply is usually something like it's an insecurity I have with myself or I'm too sensitive, I don't like confrontation...it's always something wrong with me. And when I tell him he says I need to stop playing the victim.

And the porn thing...it's whatever. I just don't like to hear about him fantasizing about other women or thinking about the summer fling he had. Maybe I'm just being a jealous wife?

And the children...he says it has a lot to do with money. I have about $80,000 in school debt built up. I also want to pursue grad school .... I don't want kids now, but after I'm done pursuing my dreams? Yes. My husband says we don't have the money and he isn't willing to give up those dreams.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

If you have finished school and want to go after a graduate degree you are not dumb. You are allowing him to make you feel like you are.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

alg1216 said:


> We don't make enough money to have a maid. And it's just the two of us and dogs! We're clean people, and we hardly make a mess. Sometimes it's just a few dishes in the sink.
> 
> We didn't date for that long. It's a complicated story, but basically...we met in college. We were friends. I met him after he broke-up with his g/f. That was in April/May, and we didn't see each other until November. He's in the military. We kept a relationship over the phone for seven months and he asked to marry me. Yes, it was very quick and probably irrational on my part?
> 
> ...


He had an affair?

You want children, he doesn't. This alone is a legitimate reason for a divorce. I have seen this situation play out and it isn't pretty.
The fact that he said that he wanted children prior to marriage but doesn't now and worse yet, is being dishonest by saying 'you misunderstood him' - this compounds the whole issue.

Look alg, I'm sorry for your situation but I really think you will be better off without this man in your life. He doesn't sound like good partner material and because of that, not good father material either.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So you married a guy that you hardly know. This usually does not end well as you can see.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much is grad school going to increase your earning potential? I ask because you are already so heavily strapped with school debt. I see people getting graduate degrees that do not substantially increase their earning potential but put them another $30K $40K in debt. I don't get it.

How much of that $80K of school debt is yours?


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Run


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Tricking you into thinking he wanted kids is a deal breaker in my opinion and I would leave. This marriage isn't worth your time.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

FizzBomb said:


> The fact that he said that he wanted children prior to marriage but doesn't now and worse yet, is being dishonest by saying 'you misunderstood him' - this compounds the whole issue.


:iagree:

I would get out. It sounds like you were his rebound relationship and he's still not over his ex.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP, I would suggest something a little different from the others. I would suggest that you work on you. Anyone who is a college graduate and allows someone to make her feel "dumb" is suffering from low self esteem. Also, what kinds of things do you feel you are compromising? What kinds of changes would make your marriage better in your eyes? Does he see you crying a lot?


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