# Online Dating



## Lila

Let's discuss Online Dating.

On another thread I mentioned that finding a dating partner has become more difficult due to something Psychologist refer to as Paradox of Choice.

The Paradox of Choice also know as the Jam Experiment Theory suggests that with so many possible choices, we risk not making a choice at all and then even when we choose, we're always looking out for better options . Many people experience general unhappiness with their choice when given too many options. Combined with the false sense of abundance you get the never ending "grass is greener" mentality. 

Discuss.


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## minimalME

I completely agree that it's about the psychological aspect - the habits and discontent that the apps have created. 

It doesn't really matter how 'perfect' you are anymore. 

For people who aren't already in stable, long-term relationships, whatever someone is offering, it likely won't be enough. 

It's like relational gluttony - and definitely a consumer mindset about using and discarding other people.

People get what they think they want, but then after awhile, they don't want it anymore. So they get divorced _again_, and get back into the dating pool _again_.

It was surprising to go on a first date and discover that the man who'd put himself as divorced was still married. (x2)

It was shocking to go on a first date and discover that a different man had already been married and divorced 3 times. (x2)

It was appalling to discover that yet a different guy I'd gone on one date with was on the pedophile registry in my area.

There are just too many distractions in our world that I'm no longer willing to compete with. 

I'm not gonna fight about the pornography, or the girl from high school who's now contacting you through fb, or the endless hookup sites that you're just 'curious' about, or the secret girlfriend you have in the next town, or the 20 year old at your office who you're flirting with.

I want a quiet, peaceful life, and I don't trust that I can have that with another person.





Lila said:


> I think your question was rhetorical but I'll answer anyway. The "apps and whatnot" have actually made finding someone harder due to Paradox of Choice and the fallacy of abundance mentality. These are Psychological phenomena. Seems the more we use technology to make life easier, the harder they seem to get.


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## OnTheFly

Link doesn't work for me. (could be my computer, the service has been spotty today)

Just an FYI if other people can't open that link too.

If not, pls ignore.


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## Lila

OnTheFly said:


> Link doesn't work for me. (could be my computer, the service has been spotty today)
> 
> Just an FYI if other people can't open that link too.
> 
> If not, pls ignore.


Try it now


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## OnTheFly

I'm gonna check on a different browser, but is this paradox of choice like spending three hours searching Netflix, then not end up watching anything?

Edit: It works!

K, I'll read it now, thx!


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## Lila

OnTheFly said:


> I'm gonna check on a different browser, but is this paradox of choice like spending three hours searching Netflix, then not end up watching anything?


Yes. And then for the ones that do choose something to watch are unhappy with their choice.....and keep stopping the movie to start a different one.


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## ConanHub

Thanks for starting this one @Lila

It could be a glimpse into a world I have never known, and probably never will. :wink2:

I'm certainly curious about what it is like even if I don't think I would ever do it.


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## Lila

minimalME said:


> I completely agree that it's about the psychological aspect - the habits and discontent that the apps have created.
> 
> It's doesn't really matter how 'perfect' you are anymore.
> 
> For people who aren't already in stable, long-term relationships, whatever someone is offering, it likely won't be enough.
> 
> It's like relational gluttony - and definitely a consumer mindset about using and discarding other people.
> 
> People get what they think they want, but then after awhile, they don't want it anymore. So they get divorced _again_, and get back into the dating pool _again_.
> 
> It was surprising to go on a first date and discover that the man who'd put himself as divorced was still married. (x2)
> 
> It was shocking to go on a first date and discover that a different man had already been married and divorced 3 times. (x2)
> 
> It was appalling to discover that yet a different guy I'd gone on one date with was on the pediphile registry in my area.
> 
> There are just too many distractions in our world that I'm no longer willing to compete with.
> 
> I'm not gonna fight about the pornography, or the girl from high school who's now contacting you through fb, or the endless hookup sites that you're just 'curious' about, or the secret girlfriend you have in the next town, or the 20 year old at your office who you're flirting with.
> 
> I want a quiet, peaceful life, and I don't trust that I can have that with another person.


Can you describe what you mean by 'relational gluttony'?


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## lifeistooshort

I'm glad you started this thread too.

I've never done old, but I have observed friends do it for years, and for years I've been saying that it reduces what should be a human connection to a shopping experience where people think they can custom order everything they want.

But I also know people who met their spouses this way.

My dad did a lot of it before he died and told me you have to be able to deal with 100 duds for every possible good match.


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## OnTheFly

Lila said:


> Yes. And then for the ones that do choose something to watch are unhappy with their choice.....and keep stopping the movie to start a different one.


I was gonna post this quote from the article, but you beat me to it.

*The second piece of Schwartz's "paradox of choice" argument is that an abundance of choices leave us unsatisfied with the choices we make.* 

I'm starting to sense the frustration singles are facing. I don't envy you/them.


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## Lila

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm glad you started this thread too.
> 
> I've never done old, but I have observed friends do it for years, and for years I've been saying that it reduces what should be a human connection to a shopping experience where people think they can custom order everything they want.
> 
> *But I also know people who met their spouses this way.*
> 
> My dad did a lot of it before he died and told me you have to be able to deal with 100 duds for every possible good match.





OnTheFly said:


> I was gonna post this quote from the article, but you beat me to it.
> 
> *The second piece of Schwartz's "paradox of choice" argument is that an abundance of choices leave us unsatisfied with the choices we make.*
> 
> I'm starting to sense the frustration singles are facing. I don't envy you/them.


It is not all bad as some people do have success on it. About 20% people who try online dating have some sort of success finding committed relationships. It is however a very frustrating process for many.


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## minimalME

It's never enough. It's like a black hole that takes and takes, yet is incapable of being truly satisfied. 

Our lives are filled with novelty and entertainment. What's next? What's new? Shopping is entertainment. Sex is entertainment.

Dating is no longer relational. People aren't trying to connect in order to share their lives with someone. Marriage is no longer the goal. It's become taboo to even hint that you're marriage minded. Which is ridiculous. For thousands of years that was the standard. Now we know better. 

Now it's about being in the moment. Having fun. Getting off. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I don't have to settle. I don't have to tolerate that. I'm better than that. I'm better than you.

To me, it's dehumanizing.

Have you ever seen the first scene in Logan's Run? It's basically online dating.









Lila said:


> Can you describe what you mean by 'relational gluttony'?


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## Faithful Wife

minimalME said:


> It's never enough. It's like a black hole that takes and takes, yet is incapable of being truly satisfied.
> 
> Our lives filled with novelty and entertainment. What's next? What's new? Shopping is entertainment. Sex is entertainment.
> 
> Dating is no longer relational. People aren't trying to connect in order to share their lives with someone. Marriage is no longer the goal. It's become taboo to even hint that you're marriage minded. Which is ridiculous. For thousands of years that was the standard. Now we know better.
> 
> Now it's about being in the moment. Having fun. Getting off. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I don't have to settle. I don't have to tolerate that. I'm better than that. I'm better than you.
> 
> To me, it's dehumanizing.
> 
> l]


On bumble at least, you can say that you are looking for marriage. Or casual or not sure, or kids or not, or etc.

I have been rejected by guys who are definitely looking for marriage, and I don’t blame them. They know what they want. I’m just looking for a nice boyfriend and see how it goes. I know I’m not looking for marriage. I also like it when people do know what they are looking for, what their dating goals are. But if they don’t know, it’s also good they can say that, too.

I’ve had only good experiences. I have found it takes an average of 30 dates (different people, most of them first date only) and a few months to find a boyfriend.

I have seen only slight variances between online pics and in person. Nothing to feel like they were way out of line for. 

Also, most men add at least an inch to their stated height. I have learned to just adjust for that.

The rest is just plain witchcraft. It’s either there or it isn’t. If it isn’t, you can’t force it. If it is, it still may not make it past a few more dates. If it does make it that far, then you might have a good match. And that’s just the beginning!

I don’t think it is anyone’s fault that we don’t find easier, better matches. I think the type of connection we seek is more rare than there are attractive people. I think if we went back to only meeting in person it would be the same odds of finding a good connection.


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## Marduk

The paradox of choice is a real thing. There’s plenty of retail studies about it. 

I wonder though if you can use it to your advantage. Because it cuts both ways - for you and against you. You can use it to filter out what you don’t want to select what you do want from an increasingly large set of data?

My strategy when dating was to make friends with a lot of awesome women. Just friends. Never tried to make a move on any of them. They kept my mind straight about women after my divorce, they were great sounding boards, and they also set me up with lots of their single girlfriends. 

I intentionally leveraged the network effect. It’s how I met my wife - a guy friend I was re-aquatinted with through dating a girl I was friends with was at a party... and he insisted I come. 

Her friends and my friends essentially engineered the set up, and here we are.


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## uhtred

I


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## uhtred

I haven't dated (except my wife) since online was invented. Are there any good tools at dating sites to help find compatible partners? This feels like a place were automation could help a lot. I'm picturing a few hundred questions to eliminate a bunch of potential incompatibilities. Of course there would still be the need to look look over people carefully, but I would think it would help. 

Maybe its been tried and doesn't work?


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## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> On bumble at least, you can say that you are looking for marriage. Or casual or not sure, or kids or not, or etc.
> 
> I have been rejected by guys who are definitely looking for marriage, and I don’t blame them. They know what they want. I’m just looking for a nice boyfriend and see how it goes. I know I’m not looking for marriage. I also like it when people do know what they are looking for, what their dating goals are. But if they don’t know, it’s also good they can say that, too.
> 
> I’ve had only good experiences. I have found it takes an average of 30 dates (different people, most of them first date only) and a few months to find a boyfriend.
> 
> I have seen only slight variances between online pics and in person. Nothing to feel like they were way out of line for.
> 
> Also, most men add at least an inch to their stated height. I have learned to just adjust for that.
> 
> The rest is just plain witchcraft. It’s either there or it isn’t. If it isn’t, you can’t force it. If it is, it still may not make it past a few more dates. If it does make it that far, then you might have a good match. And that’s just the beginning!
> 
> I don’t think it is anyone’s fault that we don’t find easier, better matches. I think the type of connection we seek is more rare than there are attractive people. *I think if we went back to only meeting in person it would be the same odds of finding a good connection.*


I am not knocking online dating but as popular as it is,but most surveys show that even today, most people meet their relationship partners through friends or in public places.  This article summarizes a survey conducted in 2018.  I have read other similar survey results. 

I think online dating is a tool that has it's usefulness. It has had a larger impact, both good and bad, on modern dating and society as a whole. It is definitely not for everyone especially those of us with zero patience {admittedly raises hand}.


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## Lila

Marduk said:


> The paradox of choice is a real thing. There’s plenty of retail studies about it.
> 
> *I wonder though if you can use it to your advantage. Because it cuts both ways - for you and against you. You can use it to filter out what you don’t want to select what you do want from an increasingly large set of data?*


Ideally yes, that would be the way it should work but even after filtering, you're still left with a huge number of potential partners, many of them suffering from the 'grass is greener' syndrome. 

Tinder is the largest online dating app in the world. They had an estimated 50 million users worldwide as of 2014. That number has gone up since then. Assuming Americans make up 25% of user base, that's 12.5 Million users every month. After filtering for geography, age, etc... that still leaves a big number of "fish in the pond"....and that's only one app. 

The general comment i hear most often is that online dating is a numbers game and multi dating is part of the process. 



> My strategy when dating was to make friends with a lot of awesome women. Just friends. Never tried to make a move on any of them. They kept my mind straight about women after my divorce, they were great sounding boards, and they also set me up with lots of their single girlfriends.
> 
> I intentionally leveraged the network effect. It’s how I met my wife - a guy friend I was re-aquatinted with through dating a girl I was friends with was at a party... and he insisted I come.
> 
> Her friends and my friends essentially engineered the set up, and here we are.


That still seems to the way most people meet their relationship partners these days. I think it just gets harder to do as we age.


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## Lila

uhtred said:


> I haven't dated (except my wife) since online was invented. Are there any good tools at dating sites to help find compatible partners? This feels like a place were automation could help a lot. I'm picturing a few hundred questions to eliminate a bunch of potential incompatibilities. Of course there would still be the need to look look over people carefully, but I would think it would help.
> 
> Maybe its been tried and doesn't work?


There are several dating apps out there like that now. Ok cupid and e harmony are the first that come to mind. OK Cupid does not require users to answer more than a handful but E harmony has a lengthy application process. i don't think it really makes a difference on the success rates.


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## Girl_power

It’s all about our personal opinions and how realistic our expectations are. I for one do not believe in the perfect person for you. I know everyone is flawed, and I have to pick the flaws I want to put up with. I think I have realistic expectations. There are things I will put up with and things I won’t. I am also the type of person who when I “choose” someone I will do whatever I can to make it work. And I’m aware that there will be better looking people, with better jobs, and more money and blah blah blah. I’m aware that there is always better out there, just like there is way better than me out there. But I don’t want better, I want the person I “choose” if that makes sense. 
The problem is obviously the other person. And that’s why character is everything.


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## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> On bumble at least, you can say that you are looking for marriage. Or casual or not sure, or kids or not, or etc.
> 
> I have been rejected by guys who are definitely looking for marriage, and I don’t blame them. They know what they want. I’m just looking for a nice boyfriend and see how it goes. I know I’m not looking for marriage. I also like it when people do know what they are looking for, what their dating goals are. But if they don’t know, it’s also good they can say that, too.
> 
> I’ve had only good experiences. I have found it takes an average of 30 dates (different people, most of them first date only) and a few months to find a boyfriend.
> 
> I have seen only slight variances between online pics and in person. Nothing to feel like they were way out of line for.
> 
> Also, most men add at least an inch to their stated height. I have learned to just adjust for that.
> 
> The rest is just plain witchcraft. It’s either there or it isn’t. If it isn’t, you can’t force it. If it is, it still may not make it past a few more dates. If it does make it that far, then you might have a good match. And that’s just the beginning!
> 
> I don’t think it is anyone’s fault that we don’t find easier, better matches. I think the type of connection we seek is more rare than there are attractive people. *I think if we went back to only meeting in person it would be the same odds of finding a good connection.*
> 
> 
> 
> I am not knocking online dating but as popular as it is,but most surveys show that even today, most people meet their relationship partners through friends or in public places.  This article summarizes a survey conducted in 2018.  I have read other similar survey results.
> 
> I think online dating is a tool that has it's usefulness. It has had a larger impact, both good and bad, on modern dating and society as a whole. It is definitely not for everyone especially those of us with zero patience {admittedly raises hand}.
Click to expand...

I agree that being introduced by friends or relatives is the best way. And has always been the most common way I think, before online dating and since.

Perhaps dating to just date and dating to find a relationship is the difference.

Online dating is dating to me. I would not rely on it to find a life partner. I also like first dates, they are always fun to me. I also have a really good picker at this point so I never end up on a date with a jerk.

This time in my life is fun and good for dating. 

If a guy I meet online ends up a boyfriend, that’s the most I want or expect right now. But it could actually end up something deeper. I don’t rule that out from ever happening. Yet I honestly don’t think I will meet my next life partner online.

I’m super happy with the new boyfriend I got there, though. And once I get a boyfriend I am happy to get off the apps. I don’t have any desire to keep looking. Now I still get to date but it’s with a cute boyfriend not a stranger.

Now if I was looking for a LTR or life partner, I would do things like ask my friends if they know a great guy, join a church or some groups, go out more often to the places I think similar to me people will be, be more outgoing and actually strike up conversations, hang out with married people who I admire and see if we end up
places where similar but single people may be, go out dancing (swing and salsa).

However, as anyone knows who has done all these things, there is no guarantee of a good match that way either. It sometimes just doesn’t happen, or one pops up but there just isn’t the chemistry.

That’s why I said it’s all witchcraft at that point. 

I definitely think OLD is more suitable to daters than it is to relationship seekers.


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## honcho

Faithful Wife said:


> I definitely think OLD is more suitable to daters than it is to relationship seekers.


I think that's really it, it's designed for people who like to date. I've never been enamoured with dating and the older I get the less patience I have for the game.


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## wilson

honcho said:


> I think that's really it, it's designed for people who like to date. I've never been enamoured with dating and the older I get the less patience I have for the game.


I would agree with this. I've thought OLD would be most successful for certain personality types. If someone is very outgoing, likes to meet people, naturally flirty, etc., then they will be more likely to enjoy the OLD process and have a better attitude throughout. For someone who is more into one-on-one interaction, doesn't like first dates, is more looking for a deep connection, etc. will likely not be as compatible with OLD. Certainly all personality types can find success with OLD, but certain personality types will find it a great fit and keep with it while others will struggle more and get frustrated.


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## Faithful Wife

wilson said:


> I would agree with this. I've thought OLD would be most successful for certain personality types. *If someone is very outgoing, likes to meet people, naturally flirty, etc*., then they will be more likely to enjoy the OLD process and have a better attitude throughout. For someone who is more into one-on-one interaction, doesn't like first dates, is more looking for a deep connection, etc. will likely not be as compatible with OLD. Certainly all personality types can find success with OLD, but certain personality types will find it a great fit and keep with it while others will struggle more and get frustrated.


It is interesting, because one of the reasons OLD works well for me is that I am NOT outgoing, I don't like talking to strangers, and I don't flirt like that. I'm introverted, but not "shy". So my not being outgoing is just a reflection of introversion. For instance, if I'm out with a group of friends I am the life of the party and people would laugh if I said I'm not actually outgoing. But just going out to some crowd where I don't know anyone and strike up conversations? No, I literally never do this.

Whereas on OLD, I'm perfectly happy being flirty, chatty and out going (this is all via text at first). But once I know them or go on a date or whatever, I'm all about meeting, talking, dating. 

Being that I really don't go anywhere that I would meet anyone, OLD gives me a way to still meet lots of people.

One thing I would say though is, do men even ask women out in person anymore? If so, where does that happen? Obviously there are always sloppy bar scenes where people hook up. But I mean just to straight up ask you on a date. Where would that happen?


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## Lila

wilson said:


> honcho said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think that's really it, it's designed for people who like to date. I've never been enamoured with dating and the older I get the less patience I have for the game.
> 
> 
> 
> I would agree with this. I've thought OLD would be most successful for certain personality types. If someone is very outgoing, likes to meet people, naturally flirty, etc., then they will be more likely to enjoy the OLD process and have a better attitude throughout. For someone who is more into one-on-one interaction, doesn't like first dates, is more looking for a deep connection, etc. will likely not be as compatible with OLD. Certainly all personality types can find success with OLD, but certain personality types will find it a great fit and keep with it while others will struggle more and get frustrated.
Click to expand...

I am out going person but don't like OLD only because I'm mission focused. It takes me so.much energy to message back and forth. It feels like it takes forever and I'm just not with texting and messaging. I'd much rather meet someone in person where I can get the full.picture without feeling like I wasted energy messaging.


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## Deejo

99.5% of my dating history was online. I had exactly one dating relationship, where I was introduced to my partner via friends. I met my spouse via online dating. I often joke when people ask how we met. "We both swiped right, and it was like magic!"

I exclusively used Match. Tried Plenty of Fish, that was the Mad Max Thunderdome of dating. Deleted my profile in less than 24 hours. I chose to use a paid service believing that would by default, self select those who were invested as opposed to casually engaged. I can state unequivocally that my dating life would have been a wasteland without OLD. I lived relatively remotely, and traveled often for work at the time. 

Online dating is like acquiring and becoming proficient at any other skill. You need to understand why you do (or do not ... whenever anyone says "I want to meet organically ... " I roll my eyes hard) want to pursue it, and be very clear about what you hope to accomplish with it. My first simple goal was to get comfortable interacting and engaging with the opposite sex after a 14 year monogamous relationship. Sex was part of the equation ... but it was not the primary equation. Honest to God this is what I had written down.

1. Meet women
2. Have fun, be fun
3. Don't be their worst date story

I can certainly agree that the paradox of choice factor is there ... but it needn't be. The abundance is ALREADY present. Most people simply have no idea how to access or interact with that pool of people that are looking to partner. The dating app makes that step easy. But having access does not assure satisfaction or success.

I've stated before, I just think most people suck at dating. If you view the experience as going bargain shopping and sifting through bins and bins of stuff waiting to come up with that one killer item? That sounds like an unpleasant chore to me. 

Whereas if you go in with the intention to just try a bunch of stuff on and get a feel for what fits and works, and what doesn't? It's just a different experience. MOST of my dates were one and dones. I don't want to waste your time, don't want anyone wasting mine. Most of my interactions were on the same page. But ... this also means you need to get comfortable with rejection ... which takes us back to most people suck at dating ... because nobody wants to be rejected. Again, here, I dissociated emotional attachment from outcome. I got to the point where I really appreciated when a woman stepped up and said, "I don't think this is going to work for me." Far better that, than continue to date for another 30, 60, or 90 days and simply wait for the relationship to erode.

Best I can summarize, I didn't treat dating as 'passive'. I was active in how I approached it, how I went about selecting partners, and what I wanted out of it. Consequently, I feel like I got a lot out of it. Most unexpectedly ... a wife.


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## Deejo

Lila said:


> I am out going person but don't like OLD only because I'm mission focused. It takes me so.much energy to message back and forth. It feels like it takes forever and I'm just not with texting and messaging. I'd much rather meet someone in person where I can get the full.picture without feeling like I wasted energy messaging.


Noticed that people get consistently caught up in this. After 3 points of contact, I asked for the date. I certainly wanted the woman to feel safe, and comfortable, but again, this was a likely spot for people to get caught up in analysis paralysis. To me, the point of the exercise is to meet ... as you state, and come to a decision. I posted previously that I got texting with a woman while I was traveling. We talked via text and then phone, for about 2 weeks. Met ... and it was a bust. There was just nothing there.

So consequently, I tried to get to the date as soon as possible. Never a four hour lavish dinner affair ... a coffee date, and ice cream date. Even had a couple of walking dates.


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## Lila

Deejo said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am out going person but don't like OLD only because I'm mission focused. It takes me so.much energy to message back and forth. It feels like it takes forever and I'm just not with texting and messaging. I'd much rather meet someone in person where I can get the full.picture without feeling like I wasted energy messaging.
> 
> 
> 
> Noticed that people get consistently caught up in this. After 3 points of contact, I asked for the date. I certainly wanted the woman to feel safe, and comfortable, but again, this was a likely spot for people to get caught up in analysis paralysis. To me, the point of the exercise is to meet ... as you state, and come to a decision. I posted previously that I got texting with a woman while I was traveling. We talked via text and then phone, for about 2 weeks. Met ... and it was a bust. There was just nothing there.
> 
> So consequently, I tried to get to the date as soon as possible. Never a four hour lavish dinner affair ... a coffee date, and ice cream date. Even had a couple of walking dates.
Click to expand...

I have a Goldilocks window for setting up the face to face meeting. I need time to ask questions just to make sure that a) we're both looking for the same thing and b) dude is not totally insane but don't need to know their entire life history. 

I think OLD fits a particular type personality. You, @Faithful Wife, and probably a few other do well because of your laid back personalities. I wonder if love languages play into the equation as well. I'm a Quality Time person.


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## honcho

Deejo said:


> Noticed that people get consistently caught up in this. After 3 points of contact, I asked for the date. I certainly wanted the woman to feel safe, and comfortable, but again, this was a likely spot for people to get caught up in analysis paralysis. To me, the point of the exercise is to meet ... as you state, and come to a decision. I posted previously that I got texting with a woman while I was traveling. We talked via text and then phone, for about 2 weeks. Met ... and it was a bust. There was just nothing there.
> 
> So consequently, I tried to get to the date as soon as possible. Never a four hour lavish dinner affair ... a coffee date, and ice cream date. Even had a couple of walking dates.


This was one of the more annoying aspects of the old experience, a good portion of the "pool" were much more interested in texting and instant messaging rather than ever meeting and having some sort of face to face contact. Even away from dating I hate texting and such. It's to easy to coreogragh the answers or conversation. 

Living in a small community doesn't help it either. You can register for every site and your gonna see the people over and over. Many times with completely different personas...so which is the real person and which is the writing junk playing the odds to get a date......

Match when I tried that one I got many responses, almost all of them were foreigners running scams and gave up on it.


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## wilson

Lila said:


> Ok cupid and e harmony are the first that come to mind. OK Cupid does not require users to answer more than a handful but E harmony has a lengthy application process. i don't think it really makes a difference on the success rates.


Have you (or anyone in the audience) actually tried eHarmony? From what you've been saying, I would have guessed that might work best for you. Rather than the users searching for people, eHarmony seems more geared towards finding compatibility through questionnaires and matching algorithms. I would think some of that back-and-forth texting at the front end might not be needed since, presumably, your matches would already have the same relationship goals.


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## Lila

wilson said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ok cupid and e harmony are the first that come to mind. OK Cupid does not require users to answer more than a handful but E harmony has a lengthy application process. i don't think it really makes a difference on the success rates.
> 
> 
> 
> Have you (or anyone in the audience) actually tried eHarmony? From what you've been saying, I would have guessed that might work best for you. Rather than the users searching for people, eHarmony seems more geared towards finding compatibility through questionnaires and matching algorithms. I would think some of that back-and-forth texting at the front end might not be needed since, presumably, your matches would already have the same relationship goals.
Click to expand...

I haven't tried E-Harmony but have several guy friends who have. Their complaint is the same across the board. E Harmony "matches" rank high on compatibility but very low on chemistry. There is no search function to "see" the entirety of the user base. They had no control over which matches E-Harmony gave them. They all said the same things about their experience.... "Met some nice people but there was no attraction". They moved forward with the messaging/getting to know you process because that's what the E-Harmony encourages users to do, but their hearts just weren't in it.

Eta:. I have nothing to lose and am willing to give it a shot. Will try it out for a month and review it for the other singles of TAM.


----------



## Lila

I set up that profile on E-Harmony today just to see how that app works however I think my experiment is dead in the water. They only offer 6 month, 12 month, and 24 month options at $69.95/month, $45.95/month, and $35.95/month respectively. Even with their current offer for 50% off the first 3 months that's $314.76 for 6 months, $482.46 for 12 months, and $808.86 for 24 months. YIKES!!! 

I can't see messages received or profile pictures with a free account but of the people they matched me with today (I think there were 7), 4 looked to be free accounts (incomplete profiles) and two would be automatic passes based on some of things they stated on their profile. 

Four people (not part of the original matches provided) messaged me today (I can't read the messages or see their pics but I can read their profiles). These are obviously paid users but all would be a pass because of incompatibilities with their profiles. 

So far, not impressed. I think I'll spend the $315 on an awesome new pair of heels or botox...whatever>


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> I think I'll spend the $315 on an awesome new pair of heels or botox...whatever>


A plane ticket to Portland!!!


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> A plane ticket to Portland!!!


Or a plane ticket to Portland!!! Yes!:grin2:


----------



## Diana7

minimalME said:


> I completely agree that it's about the psychological aspect - the habits and discontent that the apps have created.
> 
> It's doesn't really matter how 'perfect' you are anymore.
> 
> For people who aren't already in stable, long-term relationships, whatever someone is offering, it likely won't be enough.
> 
> It's like relational gluttony - and definitely a consumer mindset about using and discarding other people.
> 
> People get what they think they want, but then after awhile, they don't want it anymore. So they get divorced _again_, and get back into the dating pool _again_.
> 
> It was surprising to go on a first date and discover that the man who'd put himself as divorced was still married. (x2)
> 
> It was shocking to go on a first date and discover that a different man had already been married and divorced 3 times. (x2)
> 
> It was appalling to discover that yet a different guy I'd gone on one date with was on the pediphile registry in my area.
> 
> There are just too many distractions in our world that I'm no longer willing to compete with.
> 
> I'm not gonna fight about the pornography, or the girl from high school who's now contacting you through fb, or the endless hookup sites that you're just 'curious' about, or the secret girlfriend you have in the next town, or the 20 year old at your office who you're flirting with.
> 
> I want a quiet, peaceful life, and I don't trust that I can have that with another person.


You can have that with another person, but they are hard to find.

I never had that problem of there being to many choices. For someone like me who was searching for a Christian guy with strong moral values, there was hardly any choice at all.


----------



## Diana7

Lila said:


> It is not all bad as some people do have success on it. About 20% people who try online dating have some sort of success finding committed relationships. It is however a very frustrating process for many.


 It is frustrating and takes time and commitment, but I know about 10 married couples, mostly Christian, who met this way. 
I believe about 1/4 of relationships begin with OLD or similar, and that's an awful lot. 
For me it took 2 years before I found my now husband of 14 years. I talked to some really nice people and met up with 3 men before my husband. No spark with them but I don't regret any of it.
I would advise you to find one good dating site(not an international one and not a free one) and stick with that.


----------



## Diana7

Lila said:


> I am not knocking online dating but as popular as it is,but most surveys show that even today, most people meet their relationship partners through friends or in public places.  This article summarizes a survey conducted in 2018.  I have read other similar survey results.
> 
> I think online dating is a tool that has it's usefulness. It has had a larger impact, both good and bad, on modern dating and society as a whole. It is definitely not for everyone especially those of us with zero patience {admittedly raises hand}.


I thought I read that 25% of all relationships started with OLD. That's pretty high. I liked it because I believe in being proactive. I know many couples who met on line.


----------



## Diana7

honcho said:


> This was one of the more annoying aspects of the old experience, a good portion of the "pool" were much more interested in texting and instant messaging rather than ever meeting and having some sort of face to face contact. Even away from dating I hate texting and such. It's to easy to coreogragh the answers or conversation.
> 
> Living in a small community doesn't help it either. You can register for every site and your gonna see the people over and over. Many times with completely different personas...so which is the real person and which is the writing junk playing the odds to get a date......
> 
> Match when I tried that one I got many responses, almost all of them were foreigners running scams and gave up on it.


Its always best to meet fairly soon. We met in person just 4 days after first contact.


----------



## Lila

Diana7 said:


> I thought I read that 25% of all relationships started with OLD. That's pretty high. I liked it because I believe in being proactive. I know many couples who met on line.


The stat you're thinking of is the one where about 20% of people who _use_ online dating end up in relationships. But less than 50% of single people use online dating. So the number of relationships originating in OLD is probably more like 10%. (Did I do that math right?) But I get what you're saying. Even 10% of the single population is a big number.


----------



## Diana7

Lila said:


> The stat you're thinking of is the one where about 20% of people who _use_ online dating end up in relationships. But less than 50% of single people use online dating. So the number of relationships originating in OLD is probably more like 10%. (Did I do that math right?) But I get what you're saying. Even 10% of the single population is a big number.


https://qz.com/1546677/around-40-of-us-couples-now-first-meet-online/


----------



## honcho

Lila said:


> I set up that profile on E-Harmony today just to see how that app works however I think my experiment is dead in the water. They only offer 6 month, 12 month, and 24 month options at $69.95/month, $45.95/month, and $35.95/month respectively. Even with their current offer for 50% off the first 3 months that's $314.76 for 6 months, $482.46 for 12 months, and $808.86 for 24 months. YIKES!!!
> 
> I can't see messages received or profile pictures with a free account but of the people they matched me with today (I think there were 7), 4 looked to be free accounts (incomplete profiles) and two would be automatic passes based on some of things they stated on their profile.
> 
> Four people (not part of the original matches provided) messaged me today (I can't read the messages or see their pics but I can read their profiles). These are obviously paid users but all would be a pass because of incompatibilities with their profiles.
> 
> So far, not impressed. I think I'll spend the $315 on an awesome new pair of heels or botox...whatever>


I never tried e-harmony but I had a mechanic who used to work for me use it. He's a shy farm boy type, great guy but lived a quirky cheap life. He had a barn full of junk cycles and cars, his first house he completely remodeled using old crates from the cycles we had shipped to the dealership. Brilliant mechanic and no matter how big a pile of junk you gave him he could make a great running vehicle out of it. I still have a plow truck and snowblower that he got off the curb for free that run great years later. 

Anyway when he was signing up I remember thinking he will never find anyone that will put up with his hillbilly lifestyle......first match he ended up marrying and they have been together 10 years.


----------



## AandM

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm glad you started this thread too.
> 
> I've never done old, but I have observed friends do it for years, and for years I've been saying that it reduces what should be a human connection to a shopping experience where people think they can custom order everything they want.
> 
> But I also know people who met their spouses this way.
> 
> My dad did a lot of it before he died and told me you have to be able to deal with 100 duds for every possible good match.


<CorpseSpeeK>"We at WalMazonTinder are happy that you had such a wonderful mate purchasing experience!*

<TinyFont>See EULA for Return policies and conditions. Retailer not responsible for product's** behavior outside expected norms. Conditions May Apply. See locally associated dealer for details.

<FraudMicroFont>
* We don't give a racoon's ass about your life or happiness. Just sayin'.

** What did you expect? Between duckface, MySpace Angles, filters, and human lying, it was always going to end in tears. Check the Fracking Eula.</FraudMicroFont></TinyFont></CorpseSpeek>.


----------



## notmyjamie

I met my current guy online. A friend had harassed me into joining an OLD site so I did to shut him up. I joined just to see what was happening in the dating world and had no real intention of meeting anyone. I got SO many messages that were just either over the top, desperate, or skanky. But, one guy sent me a very down to earth, unassuming message, and he had a nice unassuming profile as well. Against my plans I answered his message. One thing led to another and we made a coffee date. Our one hour coffee date turned into 3 hours. 

3 months later we're still dating and having a blast together. 

He's the first guy I met via old so why do I think it worked? I was realistic in what I wanted, I was honest in my profile about what I wanted and what I was like and he was too. I put up real pictures of myself and so did he...no heavy filters or old stuff that made me look younger or thinner. But also, I got lucky that he was honest about himself. It could just as easily have been a nightmare. We also took things slow...coffee date, then a quick dinner date, a few light dates doing things like walking around the beach, checking out the local park, etc. These kinds of dates gave us lots of time to talk and get to know each other. He didn't try to kiss me for so long I was thinking he wasn't interested in that way until one night, he asked if he could kiss me and the chemistry was great! 

I'm also realistic about what a guy my age has to offer. I don't look for specific things which I've seen many other women do...he has to be THIS tall, and THIS thin, and make THIS much money, and have no kids, and dress exactly the way I want him to, etc etc etc. I do have things that I will reject but I never look for something specific. I was looking for a real man with his own tastes and ideas about life. It's been fun learning about someone new and incorporating some of that into my life.


----------



## TomNebraska

Lila said:


> Let's discuss Online Dating.
> 
> On another thread I mentioned that finding a dating partner has become more difficult due to something Psychologist refer to as Paradox of Choice.
> 
> The Paradox of Choice also know as the Jam Experiment Theory suggests that with so many possible choices, we risk not making a choice at all and then even when we choose, we're always looking out for better options . Many people experience general unhappiness with their choice when given too many options. Combined with the false sense of abundance you get the never ending "grass is greener" mentality.
> 
> Discuss.


I actually think the Paradox of Choice has been an issue for a lot longer than OLD has been around. And in my personal experience, it affected me a lot more IRL than in OLD

For me, OLD gets old quick. 

But I live in a big city, with a lot of people out and about. And I work for a company with more women than men, particularly 20-30 something women. So on a regular basis I see very attractive people, giving me friendly smiles and making small talk... it definitely stirs feelings of "_How can I possibly settle down and be happy with one person_" in me. Or "_did I pick the right person?_" 

I think the issues with finding someone through OLD have a lot more to do with the format: 1) it's hard to sift through all the noise, and 2) everyone gets tired of it sooner or later, and so a lot of profiles are rarely checked, or have packed inboxes. 

maybe even add a 3rd issue, with the fact that some people are on it just to flirt/chat, and so aren't even interested in connecting in real life... makes it even hard to meet people who actually want to connect when you waste time chatting


----------



## Lila

honcho said:


> I never tried e-harmony but I had a mechanic who used to work for me use it. He's a shy farm boy type, great guy but lived a quirky cheap life. He had a barn full of junk cycles and cars, his first house he completely remodeled using old crates from the cycles we had shipped to the dealership. Brilliant mechanic and no matter how big a pile of junk you gave him he could make a great running vehicle out of it. I still have a plow truck and snowblower that he got off the curb for free that run great years later.
> 
> Anyway when he was signing up I remember thinking he will never find anyone that will put up with his hillbilly lifestyle......first match he ended up marrying and they have been together 10 years.


This is an awesome story. He found the lid to his pot in one shot. 

Do you keep up with him? I'm curious if she was as creative as him or if he went with a completely opposite personality.


----------



## Lila

notmyjamie said:


> I met my current guy online. A friend had harassed me into joining an OLD site so I did to shut him up. I joined just to see what was happening in the dating world and had no real intention of meeting anyone. I got SO many messages that were just either over the top, desperate, or skanky. But, one guy sent me a very down to earth, unassuming message, and he had a nice unassuming profile as well. Against my plans I answered his message. One thing led to another and we made a coffee date. Our one hour coffee date turned into 3 hours.
> 
> 3 months later we're still dating and having a blast together.
> 
> He's the first guy I met via old so why do I think it worked? I was realistic in what I wanted, I was honest in my profile about what I wanted and what I was like and he was too. I put up real pictures of myself and so did he...no heavy filters or old stuff that made me look younger or thinner. But also, I got lucky that he was honest about himself. It could just as easily have been a nightmare. We also took things slow...coffee date, then a quick dinner date, a few light dates doing things like walking around the beach, checking out the local park, etc. These kinds of dates gave us lots of time to talk and get to know each other. He didn't try to kiss me for so long I was thinking he wasn't interested in that way until one night, he asked if he could kiss me and the chemistry was great!
> 
> *I'm also realistic about what a guy my age has to offer. I don't look for specific things which I've seen many other women do...he has to be THIS tall, and THIS thin, and make THIS much money, and have no kids, and dress exactly the way I want him to, etc etc etc. I do have things that I will reject but I never look for something specific.* I was looking for a real man with his own tastes and ideas about life. It's been fun learning about someone new and incorporating some of that into my life.


Would you mind sharing which app you used to meet your new beau? And did you pay for the service?

I do agree that expectations have to be realistic. I know that I have a handful of Dealbreakers which limit my choices but I think they are realistic .....because I don't look for what I myself don't bring to the table. However, I do avoid men whose profiles show then doing things I'd never be able to do with them.


----------



## Chuck71

honcho said:


> This was one of the more annoying aspects of the old experience, a good portion of the "pool" were much more interested in texting and instant messaging rather than ever meeting and having some sort of face to face contact. Even away from dating I hate texting and such. It's to easy to coreogragh the answers or conversation.
> 
> Living in a small community doesn't help it either. You can register for every site and your gonna see the people over and over. Many times with completely different personas...so which is the real person and which is the writing junk playing the odds to get a date......
> 
> Match when I tried that one I got many responses, almost all of them were foreigners running scams and gave up on it.


I tried Match back in 2015. I got numerous hits, lives less than 25 miles away, then they message you.

But they're in Africa as a travel nurse. But they put the location down and said reason why, -they attended a

party there once- Got tons of messages from those older than me.... where they indicated they don't

want children and I indicated I did. I always thought "WTF are you messaging me then"

One was near my age / wanted kids but her job was "house sitting" .....ok!

Anytime I messaged a younger female (under 32 and no kids) and was told they're getting bombarded

with messages......"When you have time, check mine out, if you like what you see, let's chat" and I

never messaged them again. I did get a few returns that way but invested zero time in chasing


----------



## 269370

Lila said:


> Let's discuss Online Dating.
> 
> On another thread I mentioned that finding a dating partner has become more difficult due to something Psychologist refer to as Paradox of Choice.
> 
> The Paradox of Choice also know as the Jam Experiment Theory suggests that with so many possible choices, we risk not making a choice at all and then even when we choose, we're always looking out for better options . Many people experience general unhappiness with their choice when given too many options. Combined with the false sense of abundance you get the never ending "grass is greener" mentality.
> 
> Discuss.



If I may...it is probably obvious but the most important aspect I would try and perfect for an OLD profile (if I was doing it), is the photos. People are superficial (at first) and OLD is pretty much visual only (at first).

There’s a HUGE difference the same person can look like. Which doesn’t mean misleading people...but it is possible to take a photograph of any woman and accentuate her beautiful sides.
Also the kind of photo one takes may also determine what kind of guys will be interested. The half-naked pouty woman bent over backwards in the gym will probably get only one type of guy responding (maybe the grinning Mr Biceps in the shower; though he could have just popped into the gym from his PHD research, you never know...)...
Maybe have a friend who knows you well look over your material? Sometimes it’s difficult to judge yourself what looks most effective...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyjamie

Lila said:


> Would you mind sharing which app you used to meet your new beau? And did you pay for the service?
> 
> I do agree that expectations have to be realistic. I know that I have a handful of Dealbreakers which limit my choices but I think they are realistic .....because I don't look for what I myself don't bring to the table. However, I do avoid men whose profiles show then doing things I'd never be able to do with them.


I went on Ourtime.com and yes, I paid for a subscription. I am the same, my dealbreakers are pretty simple...must be a nonsmoker. NO exceptions. (I have horrific asthma and just can't be around it) Must be self supporting. I have enough money for me and my girls...I have none left over to support anyone else. He doesn't need to have a ton of money though as I'm not looking for someone to support me. Enough to vacation now and again and eat out occasionally is good for me. Can't use hard drugs. Pot is legal in my state so although I don't use it I can accept others might...but it has to be an occasional thing, just like alcohol. Has to be heterosexual...I've recently added this one to my list. LOL 

I realize that I'm only 3 months in with this guy and we still have a lot to learn about each other. But, this is my first time dating in almost 25 years and I'm enjoying it. I feel lucky...I know a lot of people have a difficult time with dating. But I also know that some of those people would have rejected my guy because he's not rolling in dough. He makes great money but is supporting his ex and his kids...he is very generous to them and doesn't leave a lot for himself. I know a women who would have rejected him after the coffee date because he wore sneakers to it. She would have really missed out on a fun, generous, giving, intelligent, loving guy. I'm sure she has missed out on a lot of great guys because of her expectations. She's still alone and probably jealous that I found someone and has no insight into why she's alone.


----------



## Lila

TomNebraska said:


> I actually think the Paradox of Choice has been an issue for a lot longer than OLD has been around. And in my personal experience, it affected me a lot more IRL than in OLD
> 
> For me, OLD gets old quick.
> 
> But I live in a big city, with a lot of people out and about. And I work for a company with more women than men, particularly 20-30 something women. So on a regular basis I see very attractive people, giving me friendly smiles and making small talk... it definitely stirs feelings of "_How can I possibly settle down and be happy with one person_" in me. Or "_did I pick the right person?_"
> 
> I think the issues with finding someone through OLD have a lot more to do with the format: 1) it's hard to sift through all the noise, and 2) everyone gets tired of it sooner or later, and so a lot of profiles are rarely checked, or have packed inboxes.
> 
> maybe even add a 3rd issue, with the fact that some people are on it just to flirt/chat, and so aren't even interested in connecting in real life... makes it even hard to meet people who actually want to connect when you waste time chatting


Interesting observation. Do you think you get those smiles and such because you're in an environment where women outnumber men by so much? I only ask because men complain that women outnumber men on OLD platforms. They claim the Paradox of Choice is a female problem.


----------



## Lila

InMyPrime said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> Let's discuss Online Dating.
> 
> On another thread I mentioned that finding a dating partner has become more difficult due to something Psychologist refer to as Paradox of Choice.
> 
> The Paradox of Choice also know as the Jam Experiment Theory suggests that with so many possible choices, we risk not making a choice at all and then even when we choose, we're always looking out for better options . Many people experience general unhappiness with their choice when given too many options. Combined with the false sense of abundance you get the never ending "grass is greener" mentality.
> 
> Discuss.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> If I may...it is probably obvious but the most important aspect I would try and perfect for an OLD profile (if I was doing it), is the photos. People are superficial (at first) and OLD is pretty much visual only (at first).
> 
> There’s a HUGE difference the same person can look like. Which doesn’t mean misleading people...but it is possible to take a photograph of any woman and accentuate her beautiful sides.
> Also the kind of photo one takes may also determine what kind of guys will be interested. The half-naked pouty woman bent over backwards in the gym will probably get only one type of guy responding (maybe the grinning Mr Biceps in the shower; though he could have just popped into the gym from his PHD research, you never know...)...
> Maybe have a friend who knows you well look over your material? Sometimes it’s difficult to judge yourself what looks most effective...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Yikes! What you touch upon is probably a good topic for another thread. I think you can probably find arguments for and against your position regarding photographs.


----------



## Shrugz

I have been separated/divorced for about 3 years now and have used OLD with mixed results. I would really rather meet someone IRL but honestly, I have not really met anyone IRL in the 3 years that I would date!

OLD opened up a pool of guys I would not otherwise have met but I went back to my preferred site recently (which requires a subscription) and I have seen a lot of the guys before.

I did try Bumble about a year or so ago and I did not like that. Very much the meat market.

When I am back into wanting to date again (not really at this stage) I will be trying Meetup so that I can hopefully meet someone with similar interests/doing something I enjoy, or build a genuine friendship before a relationship.


----------



## notmyjamie

InMyPrime said:


> If I may...it is probably obvious but the most important aspect I would try and perfect for an OLD profile (if I was doing it), is the photos. People are superficial (at first) and OLD is pretty much visual only (at first).
> 
> There’s a HUGE difference the same person can look like. Which doesn’t mean misleading people...but it is possible to take a photograph of any woman and accentuate her beautiful sides.
> Also the kind of photo one takes may also determine what kind of guys will be interested. The half-naked pouty woman bent over backwards in the gym will probably get only one type of guy responding (maybe the grinning Mr Biceps in the shower; though he could have just popped into the gym from his PHD research, you never know...)...
> Maybe have a friend who knows you well look over your material? Sometimes it’s difficult to judge yourself what looks most effective...


Interesting thought. What does make one more successful than someone else. Recently a woman I work with heard I had met someone online. She asked how the hell I managed it since she's been online for years and only seems to meet guys who want her money. She tends to go for younger guys. I told her to try ourtime which is for people over 50. 

She came back to me later and told me that she had joined. I stupidly said "did you get 100 messaged in 10 minutes too?" while laughing and she very seriously said "no, I've gotten 3 messages in 3 weeks" Ouch. Open mouth, insert foot. 

I started wondering why I got so many and she got so little. Not having seen her profile I'd have to imagine its because of her picture or what she's written in her profile. I'm wondering if I should offer to look over her profile but do I really want to go there? Probably not.


----------



## 269370

Lila said:


> Yikes! What you touch upon is probably a good topic for another thread. I think you can probably find arguments for and against your position regarding photographs.


Yes, sorry, I wasn't sure where to post it but I got the feeling you expressed some frustrations with the whole OLD thingy...


----------



## Lila

InMyPrime said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yikes! What you touch upon is probably a good topic for another thread. I think you can probably find arguments for and against your position regarding photographs.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, sorry, I wasn't sure where to post it but I got the feeling you expressed some frustrations with the whole OLD thingy...
Click to expand...

It's a frustrating process in general because it is a very superficial experience. It goes well beyond the photos.


----------



## Marduk

Lila said:


> So far, not impressed. I think I'll spend the $315 on an awesome new pair of heels or botox...whatever>



Can I recommend a “hell yes” to the heels and a “hell no” to the Botox?


----------



## honcho

Lila said:


> This is an awesome story. He found the lid to his pot in one shot.
> 
> Do you keep up with him? I'm curious if she was as creative as him or if he went with a completely opposite personality.


I run into him occasionally. She isn't nearly as creative as him but she is shy, quiet type person too. She has a good paying career, they didn't have kids and they both were pretty firm on that before they got married so no surprise on that front.


----------



## Lila

Lila said:


> I set up that profile on E-Harmony today just to see how that app works however I think my experiment is dead in the water. They only offer 6 month, 12 month, and 24 month options at $69.95/month, $45.95/month, and $35.95/month respectively. Even with their current offer for 50% off the first 3 months that's $314.76 for 6 months, $482.46 for 12 months, and $808.86 for 24 months. YIKES!!!
> 
> I can't see messages received or profile pictures with a free account but of the people they matched me with today (I think there were 7), 4 looked to be free accounts (incomplete profiles) and two would be automatic passes based on some of things they stated on their profile.
> 
> Four people (not part of the original matches provided) messaged me today (I can't read the messages or see their pics but I can read their profiles). These are obviously paid users but all would be a pass because of incompatibilities with their profiles.
> 
> So far, not impressed. I think I'll spend the $315 on an awesome new pair of heels or botox...whatever>


I wanted to post an update to this e harmony thing.

I've had around 20 matches, a few "smiles'" and a handful of messages. As i said earlier I could not read any of the messages or see the pics but in general, none of the profiles caught my interest or there were deal breakers like "wants more children". However, from the very start there was one profile that caught my interest. He actually sent me a message today. At the time I didn't know what he looked like but was I so intrigued. So I looked around and found a coupon code that got me 6 months for $107 (For those that are curious, the code is START). He was cute but dang my curiosity. Bye, bye new shoes.


----------



## VibrantWings

Lila said:


> I wanted to post an update to this e harmony thing.
> 
> I've had around 20 matches, a few "smiles'" and a handful of messages. As i said earlier I could not read any of the messages or see the pics but in general, none of the profiles caught my interest or there were deal breakers like "wants more children". However, from the very start there was one profile that caught my interest. He actually sent me a message today. At the time I didn't know what he looked like but was I so intrigued. So I looked around and found a coupon code that got me 6 months for $107 (For those that are curious, the code is START). He was cute but dang my curiosity. Bye, bye new shoes.



E-harmony just flat out sucks, IMO. Match seems slightly better but I've always had way more luck on Plenty of Fish for local guys. I get sick of guys from very far away...what is the point? I'm not moving and I can find LDR on the net without paying a dating site. 
Just be aware...I've seen it called "Plenty of Fakes" as in a lot of fake profiles on there "phishing". If they message you, wax way long and eloquent and try to get you to go to "Hangouts" then block that ID. I've also found that being more restrictive on the settings of who is allowed to contact me has been helpful. 
Good luck Lila  I think you need that new pair of shoes for all those dates


----------



## Lila

VibrantWings said:


> E-harmony just flat out sucks, IMO. Match seems slightly better but I've always had way more luck on Plenty of Fish for local guys. I get sick of guys from very far away...what is the point? I'm not moving and I can find LDR on the net without paying a dating site.
> Just be aware...I've seen it called "Plenty of Fakes" as in a lot of fake profiles on there "phishing". If they message you, wax way long and eloquent and try to get you to go to "Hangouts" then block that ID. I've also found that being more restrictive on the settings of who is allowed to contact me has been helpful.
> Good luck Lila <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a> I think you need that new pair of shoes for all those dates <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/wink.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Wink" ></a>


I have never tried plenty of fish but around here it's viewed as the hookups site. But in all fairness, all dating websites suck. I'm trying E Harmony now and even though it's expensive as all get out (I would have never paid their normal rates) and makes all these promises, it's not any better than my experience with Match. 

Just to add on to my e Harmony review, they actually don't have a very large user base. They have been showing me anywhere from 4 to 10 matches a day. I was being selective on who I was sending out "likes". A general way to know if someone is paid is they either like you back or block you which removes them from your matches. I have had four mutual likes (one of which I blocked after his initial message) and about 10 unmatched/block. The rest are sitting on my matches page.

I decided to experiment and decided to like every match they've sent me the last 3 days (within reason). Those are all still sitting on my matches page. I haven't had any look at my profile. That tells me they are free and can't see my pics or read any message I might send them, or they are inactive profiles long gone. That's a lot of fake profiles in my opinion. 

This is mostly an experiment for me but I hope it helps someone else who might be considering shelling out ALOT of money for something that is not worthwhile.


----------



## VibrantWings

I'm just trying to get out more with male companionship. I prefer a "hook up" site over that slow, monotonous, supposedly e-romantic crap of eharmony. For $15 a month of POF, I get to message/chat with a lot of different people. Don't have to meet anyone, if you put stock in the ematching, POF has "chemistry" and will show you matches. It also shows lots of photos and lets me (and him) choose who we are interested in meeting. 
The romance part, for me, comes AFTER i actually meet some people IRL. Those internet search engine that "match" are lame to me because I'm looking for more than some guy who plays cards and likes movies.
However, please keep me posted if you actually have any luck on E-Harmony.


----------



## bkyln309

Here POF is the bottom of the barrel for quality men. Even ******* has more quality matches. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## In Absentia

What dating site(s) do you prefer and why? Just interested for future reference... :grin2:

You don't have to write a "book" about them... just a brief reason... thanks!

P.S. I'm aware I am in the UK and most of you are in the USA, but I'm pretty sure every dating site has a UK one...


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> What dating site(s) do you prefer and why? Just interested for future reference... :grin2:
> 
> You don't have to write a "book" about them... just a brief reason... thanks!
> 
> P.S. I'm aware I am in the UK and most of you are in the USA, but I'm pretty sure every dating site has a UK one...


I don't have an answer for you but I know @Faithful Wife, @Deejo, @FeministInPink , @AVR1962 have all used apps, and been successful, with finding people to date. Maybe they can chime in with some advice.


----------



## MovingForward

I have commented on similar threads about this, I do see benefit in OLD but there is a clear advantage to two types of people, Woman and good looking or photogenic men, OLD was not overly successful for me since I am not very good looking(just average)even less photogenic and my statics(height of 5'9) not overly impressive. With the choices and the format and the fact a lot of men swipe on most gives the other sex a long list of men they are very sexually attracted to, with the limited info you can put in these profiles you could be missing out on a lot of good options and people you could have a great connection with in real life.

I have never had trouble dating and all my past girlfriends have been considered very attractive and because we connected in real life or via introduction from work colleagues or friends I had a chance to show something other than just a great picture, abs and perfect smile lol.

I met my current Fiance in real life also, she actually saw me on dating apps and did not swipe on me, told me later my pictures sucked and she was not interested, all her past Boyfriends and X husband were extremely good looking and she had strict guidelines on what she was looking for and I did not fit those requirements, lucky she realized they were bull**** and if anything she was more into me than i was her in the beginning.

If i could go back and do it again I would probably skip the OLD and use Meetup, develop a larger friendship circle of people with similar interested and hobbies, workout more, spend more time on self improvement rather than wasting time on my phone having awkward conversations with strangers and swiping to see if i could get some matches and the occasional ONS.


----------



## Lila

MovingForward said:


> I have commented on similar threads about this, I do see benefit in OLD but there is a clear advantage to two types of people, Woman and good looking or photogenic men, OLD was not overly successful for me since I am not very good looking(just average)even less photogenic and my statics(height of 5'9) not overly impressive. With the choices and the format and the fact a lot of men swipe on most gives the other sex a long list of men they are very sexually attracted to, with the limited info you can put in these profiles you could be missing out on a lot of good options and people you could have a great connection with in real life.
> 
> I have never had trouble dating and all my past girlfriends have been considered very attractive and because we connected in real life or via introduction from work colleagues or friends I had a chance to show something other than just a great picture, abs and perfect smile lol.
> 
> I met my current Fiance in real life also, she actually saw me on dating apps and did not swipe on me, told me later my pictures sucked and she was not interested, all her past Boyfriends and X husband were extremely good looking and she had strict guidelines on what she was looking for and I did not fit those requirements, lucky she realized they were bull**** and if anything she was more into me than i was her in the beginning.
> 
> If i could go back and do it again I would probably skip the OLD and use Meetup, develop a larger friendship circle of people with similar interested and hobbies, workout more, spend more time on self improvement rather than wasting time on my phone having awkward conversations with strangers and swiping to see if i could get some matches and the occasional ONS.


I agree with everything you stated except that I would like to correct one thing. The two types of people who succeed with OLD are *good looking or photogenic men AND women*. Trust me on this. It's a superficial process for all involved.


----------



## Diana7

MovingForward said:


> I have commented on similar threads about this, I do see benefit in OLD but there is a clear advantage to two types of people, Woman and good looking or photogenic men, OLD was not overly successful for me since I am not very good looking(just average)even less photogenic and my statics(height of 5'9) not overly impressive. With the choices and the format and the fact a lot of men swipe on most gives the other sex a long list of men they are very sexually attracted to, with the limited info you can put in these profiles you could be missing out on a lot of good options and people you could have a great connection with in real life.
> 
> I have never had trouble dating and all my past girlfriends have been considered very attractive and because we connected in real life or via introduction from work colleagues or friends I had a chance to show something other than just a great picture, abs and perfect smile lol.
> 
> I met my current Fiance in real life also, she actually saw me on dating apps and did not swipe on me, told me later my pictures sucked and she was not interested, all her past Boyfriends and X husband were extremely good looking and she had strict guidelines on what she was looking for and I did not fit those requirements, lucky she realized they were bull**** and if anything she was more into me than i was her in the beginning.
> 
> If i could go back and do it again I would probably skip the OLD and use Meetup, develop a larger friendship circle of people with similar interested and hobbies, workout more, spend more time on self improvement rather than wasting time on my phone having awkward conversations with strangers and swiping to see if i could get some matches and the occasional ONS.


Its just the same for women in that the good looking ones have more success. In fact even more so as men seem to go for looks above all else. 
For women on Christian dating sites its far far worse, being many more women there than men, so unless you are extremely attractive you barely get a look in.


----------



## MovingForward

Lila said:


> I agree with everything you stated except that I would like to correct one thing. The two types of people who succeed with OLD are *good looking or photogenic men AND women*. Trust me on this. It's a superficial process for all involved.


Let me Clarify a little, you are correct in it being superficial on both sides but generally for men the standards drop a little lower for sex or potential of sex more than they would on the female side. The average female will get way more matches than the average male.

If you take a picture of me and my fiances we look good together(I think she is way better looking) but it is not one of those matches that make people wonder if i have a huge trouser snake or an even bigger wallet or the combo lol.......... but put her on a dating app and she matches with every single guy she wants to match with and did exactly that giving here huge overload of choices, put me on and I get the occasional match after much time swiping, stood up a few times, match and no reply to messages or conversations just end since whoever i matched with may be speaking to several guys at one time and is focusing more attention on the better looking guy or the serial player who is also having several conversations because everyone swiped him also and he is seeing who is the easiest to get into bed. 

A girl I work with who was single same time as me and I did not find particularly attractive only did OLD for a month or so and had multiple date offers everyn night before deleting her profile because it became like a job to her.


----------



## MovingForward

Diana7 said:


> Its just the same for women in that the good looking ones have more success. In fact even more so as men seem to go for looks above all else.
> For women on Christian dating sites its far far worse, being many more women there than men, so unless you are extremely attractive you barely get a look in.


I can see that since it is a specific dating pool and the old Supply/Demand situation.


----------



## StillSearching

If you have Backburners.....you've got a Paradox of choice.
Don't keep backburners. 
Take on one at time.


----------



## Lila

MovingForward said:


> Let me Clarify a little, you are correct in it being superficial on both sides but generally for men the standards drop a little lower for sex or potential of sex more than they would on the female side. The average female will get way more matches than the average male.
> 
> If you take a picture of me and my fiances we look good together(I think she is way better looking) but it is not one of those matches that make people wonder if i have a huge trouser snake or an even bigger wallet or the combo lol.......... but put her on a dating app and she matches with every single guy she wants to match with and did exactly that giving here huge overload of choices, put me on and I get the occasional match after much time swiping, stood up a few times, match and no reply to messages or conversations just end since whoever i matched with may be speaking to several guys at one time and is focusing more attention on the better looking guy or the serial player who is also having several conversations because everyone swiped him also and he is seeing who is the easiest to get into bed.
> 
> A girl I work with who was single same time as me and I did not find particularly attractive only did OLD for a month or so and had multiple date offers everyn night before deleting her profile because it became like a job to her.


Interesting. I know for me, I do not match with every single guy that I want. Giving you the benefit of the doubt here, maybe it's an age thing (I'm in my mid-40s). But assuming younger women have a easier time than comparable men, I think there are factors for it. Men outnumber women on OLD approximately 3:2. This adds to the skewing. I also know that many women who put up profiles on OLD have no interest in dating. They do so for ego kibble. Either way, it's not something I would tell anyone over 30 to rely on for dates.


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## MovingForward

Lila said:


> Interesting. I know for me, I do not match with every single guy that I want. Giving you the benefit of the doubt here, maybe it's an age thing (I'm in my mid-40s). But assuming younger women have a easier time than comparable men, I think there are factors for it. Men outnumber women on OLD approximately 3:2. This adds to the skewing. I also know that many women who put up profiles on OLD have no interest in dating. They do so for ego kibble. Either way, it's not something I would tell anyone over 30 to rely on for dates.


I think age may be disadvantageous also similar to your comment earlier about superficial both sides, I do know a man of 58 who had a younger dating parameter set than me when i was 36, I was in the 28-43 or something like that and he was looking(although don't think he found much success) in the 21-32 range LOL.


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## bkyln309

As a woman in her late 40s, I never had the amount of messages that I hear most women claim they get with doing OLD. I am not unattractive though I look much better in person than in a picture. I assume its an age issue. Most men want younger and more attractive women.


To me, OLD is just another tool. Its not good or bad. Like anything it has its pluses and minuses. I have met some very good men on OLD. My ex, whom I dated 4 years, I met on Match. He is a good catch for the right person. And most of the others I still hang out with and chat with on a semi regular basis. All of successful, normal, good guys.

I have met far more whackadoodles at Meetup groups and "singles" events than online dating. At least with OLD, you can weed out the crazies without having to meet them.


----------



## MovingForward

bkyln309 said:


> As a woman in her late 40s, I never had the amount of messages that I hear most women claim they get with doing OLD. I am not unattractive though I look much better in person than in a picture. I assume its an age issue. Most men want younger and more attractive women.
> 
> 
> To me, OLD is just another tool. Its not good or bad. Like anything it has its pluses and minuses. I have met some very good men on OLD. My ex, whom I dated 4 years, I met on Match. He is a good catch for the right person. And most of the others I still hang out with and chat with on a semi regular basis. All of successful, normal, good guys.
> 
> I have met far more whackadoodles at Meetup groups and "singles" events than online dating. At least with OLD, you can weed out the crazies without having to meet them.


Agree it is one tool, obviously there are good men/woman on there its just whether there profile is appealing enough to match to make it through to an actual date.

I never actually tried any meetups so that is interesting to hear about the crazies, I always assumed meetup(not singles events) where a bunch of people meet to participate in common interests would be a great way of just expanding social circles.


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## bkyln309

MovingForward said:


> Agree it is one tool, obviously there are good men/woman on there its just whether there profile is appealing enough to match to make it through to an actual date.
> 
> 
> 
> I never actually tried any meetups so that is interesting to hear about the crazies, I always assumed meetup(not singles events) where a bunch of people meet to participate in common interests would be a great way of just expanding social circles.




It is generally speaking for meeting friends. But never had one inkling of an interest in any of the men in my meetup.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Betrayedone

Meetup be berry berry goot to me...........Chico Esqualia.......


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## Wolf1974

I loved every minute of online dating. Meet my fiancé on match.com. I actually think the power of choice and options is a great thing. I could have never met my fiancé any other way than the way we did. Online dating lets you meet people outside your limited social circle. If I had to go back I would definitely online date again. It has some downsides but for me was mostly upside!


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## Lila

MovingForward said:


> I think age may be disadvantageous also similar to your comment earlier about superficial both sides, I do know a man of 58 who had a younger dating parameter set than me when i was 36, I was in the 28-43 or something like that and he was looking(although don't think he found much success) in the 21-32 range LOL.


Is he looking for a sugar baby? Tell him about seeking arrangements. That's the online "Dating" website for sugar babies and sugar daddies.


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## Lila

bkyln309 said:


> As a woman in her late 40s, I never had the amount of messages that I hear most women claim they get with doing OLD. I am not unattractive though I look much better in person than in a picture. I assume its an age issue. Most men want younger and more attractive women.
> 
> 
> To me, OLD is just another tool. Its not good or bad. Like anything it has its pluses and minuses. I have met some very good men on OLD. My ex, whom I dated 4 years, I met on Match. He is a good catch for the right person. And most of the others I still hang out with and chat with on a semi regular basis. All of successful, normal, good guys.
> 
> *I have met far more whackadoodles at Meetup groups and "singles" events than online dating. At least with OLD, you can weed out the crazies without having to meet them.*


This made me crack up. I met "Octopus Hands" (date from Saturday night) at a meetup. He wasn't part of the meetup but he was standing in the general area we were hanging out and I assumed he was part of the group.


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## attheend02

Lila said:


> I agree with everything you stated except that I would like to correct one thing. The two types of people who succeed with OLD are *good looking or photogenic men AND women*. Trust me on this. It's a superficial process for all involved.


It only takes one lucky find to make the above statement incorrect.


I'd be interested to know how many first dates you actually had through online dating and how many dates you have had through non-OLD?


I still maintain that dating in general is a tough process. The likelihood of meeting someone perfect is low in any venue.


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## Lila

attheend02 said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> I agree with everything you stated except that I would like to correct one thing. The two types of people who succeed with OLD are *good looking or photogenic men AND women*. Trust me on this. It's a superficial process for all involved.
> 
> 
> 
> It only takes one lucky find to make the above statement incorrect.
Click to expand...

That's true and it ties back to the Paradox of Choice. Would you rather try your luck on OLD as a good looking, photogenic person or as an average or below average Joe?


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## attheend02

Lila said:


> That's true and it ties back to the Paradox of Choice. Would you rather try your luck on OLD as a good looking, photogenic person or as an average or below average Joe?


Unfortunately, I don't have a choice...  

As Tom Petty once said:

"Baby, even the losers
Get lucky sometimes"


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## In Absentia

Thank you for your input so far... :x


----------



## TomNebraska

Lila said:


> Interesting observation. Do you think you get those smiles and such because you're in an environment where women outnumber men by so much? I only ask because men complain that women outnumber men on OLD platforms. They claim the Paradox of Choice is a female problem.


To be clear, I didn't mean to imply the smiles & whatnot were flirtatious, just more basic courtesy. But it was more the environment: at work, you're generally interacting with people on their best behavior, dressed nicely, keeping it together, working hard, etc. 

Working with several women who are attractive, diligent, organized, & professional makes you reconsider your own relationships, or whether there's something better out there, or whether you're with someone on the same "level" as you. 

As a personal rule, I do not hit on coworkers or even flirt at work, so this all may be a moot point really, but the _feelings _are there, and I think that's why I'm saying the "paradox of choice" to me was more of an issue _in real life_, than it was online. It made me question committed relationships I was in. And not just my marriage (which was bad for so many other reasons, which I've written about elsewhere here), but more serious relationships before marriage.


----------



## Lila

Lila said:


> Just to add on to my e Harmony review, they actually don't have a very large user base. They have been showing me anywhere from 4 to 10 matches a day. I was being selective on who I was sending out "likes". A general way to know if someone is paid is they either like you back or block you which removes them from your matches. I have had four mutual likes (one of which I blocked after his initial message) and about 10 unmatched/block. The rest are sitting on my matches page.
> 
> I decided to experiment and decided to like every match they've sent me the last 3 days (within reason). Those are all still sitting on my matches page. I haven't had any look at my profile. That tells me they are free and can't see my pics or read any message I might send them, or they are inactive profiles long gone. That's a lot of fake profiles in my opinion.
> 
> This is mostly an experiment for me but I hope it helps someone else who might be considering shelling out ALOT of money for something that is not worthwhile.


Update on the e-harmony experiment. 

I'm ashamed to say but I got totally conned. The e-harmony bots got me. 

So for those that like numbers, here's some statistics.... 

I have initiated 38 smiles. 5 were returned (1 went no further than mutually smiling, 1 unmatched with me after he re read my profile and realized I was a Christian (he was nice about it), 3 proceeded to chatting.


Met one guy IRL. I liked him, he wasn't interested
I'm meeting another tomorrow
The conversation with the third is dying a slow death

I have received 7 unsolicited smiles


6 were bots
The real one wasn't a good match because he wants more kids.

Beyond that initial wave of matches/bot messages, I haven't gotten any mutual matches or even profile views.


----------



## minimalME

Eharmony was the absolute worst - and I paid for a year. I think I deleted my profile in under 2 months. 

It was completely dead. 

I wrote and asked for a refund, and they refused.




Lila said:


> Beyond that initial wave of matches/bot messages, I haven't gotten any mutual matches or even profile views.


----------



## farsidejunky

Lila said:


> Update on the e-harmony experiment.
> 
> I'm ashamed to say but I got totally conned. The e-harmony bots got me.
> 
> So for those that like numbers, here's some statistics....
> 
> I have initiated 38 smiles. 5 were returned (1 went no further than mutually smiling, 1 unmatched with me after he re read my profile and realized I was a Christian (he was nice about it), 3 proceeded to chatting.
> 
> 
> Met one guy IRL. I liked him, he wasn't interested
> I'm meeting another tomorrow
> The conversation with the third is dying a slow death
> 
> I have received 7 unsolicited smiles
> 
> 
> 6 were bots
> The real one wasn't a good match because he wants more kids.
> 
> Beyond that initial wave of matches/bot messages, I haven't gotten any mutual matches or even profile views.


With the population base around you, that is suprising. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Lila

farsidejunky said:


> With the population base around you, that is suprising.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


One answer.....Paradox of Choice. 😄 😄 
But seriously, I think it's multiple things. 


As @minimalME stated e-Harmony is not a great online dating app. They do not have very large user base. My radius is set to 30 miles in a metro area with 6 million people. They have shown me about 60 matches (age 35-55) and have run out. 

I'm also pragmatic, at 45 and overweight, finding someone who is interested is more difficult. My profile doesn't show me running a marathon, climbing rocks, kayaking rapids, sky diving or any of the 20 other activities that seem prevalent on profiles. My idea of a good time is going dancing, listening to live music, or beach/lake boating activities. With the exception of live music, the rest is not popular around here (unless they own a boat). 

I'm just doing this as an experiment. I want to try and review all of the dating apps.


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## Hoosier

I am 59. I married my high school sweetheart after college, married 30 years, she ran off with the neighbor, I was 51 and never dated, OLD was my savior. I was single 8 years. Married currently 9 months we met OLD.


The problem with OLD for most people is expectations. The site will only do so much then you have to do the heavy work. I am a salesman. Insurance. Early on I learned my important numbers 10/6/2. I needed to talk to ten people who I knew needed some advice (new child, marriage, or for me most successful..bought a new house) of those 10, 6 would agree to talk, of those 6, 2 would purchase coverage from me. Now some weeks 8 people would agree to talk and all would buy! Some weeks nobody would talk or buy! But over say a three month period my numbers would always be the same. 10/6/2 So when I would set down to make appointments I would call until 10 people said either yes or no, didnt matter which, just 10 then I was done for that session, because I new I would get 2 sales out of it. If they said no, that was nice as well because nine more and I would go home! 
OLD is people to talk to, put right before you, no searching, as they have told you they want to date! So talk to them, if they say no, who cares? Plenty more to pick from and I KNOW one will say yes eventually. I didnt get upset if someone said not interested, appreciate that up front, dont take it personally as they dont KNOW you, so they are not say NO to YOU. Heck if they KNEW you they probalby really like you. OLD is not going to bring them to your door hungry for your body, but it sure made it easier for me.


----------



## VibrantWings

Hoosier said:


> I am 59. I married my high school sweetheart after college, married 30 years, she ran off with the neighbor, I was 51 and never dated, OLD was my savior. I was single 8 years. Married currently 9 months we met OLD.
> 
> 
> The problem with OLD for most people is expectations. The site will only do so much then you have to do the heavy work. I am a salesman. Insurance. Early on I learned my important numbers 10/6/2. I needed to talk to ten people who I knew needed some advice (new child, marriage, or for me most successful..bought a new house) of those 10, 6 would agree to talk, of those 6, 2 would purchase coverage from me. Now some weeks 8 people would agree to talk and all would buy! Some weeks nobody would talk or buy! But over say a three month period my numbers would always be the same. 10/6/2 So when I would set down to make appointments I would call until 10 people said either yes or no, didnt matter which, just 10 then I was done for that session, because I new I would get 2 sales out of it. If they said no, that was nice as well because nine more and I would go home!
> OLD is people to talk to, put right before you, no searching, as they have told you they want to date! So talk to them, if they say no, who cares? Plenty more to pick from and I KNOW one will say yes eventually. I didnt get upset if someone said not interested, appreciate that up front, dont take it personally as they dont KNOW you, so they are not say NO to YOU. Heck if they KNEW you they probalby really like you. OLD is not going to bring them to your door hungry for your body, but it sure made it easier for me.



I suspect that some people will balk but I like your analogy. It really does come down to numbers, doesn't it? Time is also another important number in the relationship equation.


----------



## Andy1001

Lila said:


> One answer.....Paradox of Choice. 😄 😄
> But seriously, I think it's multiple things.
> 
> 
> As @minimalME stated e-Harmony is not a great online dating app. They do not have very large user base. My radius is set to 30 miles in a metro area with 6 million people. They have shown me about 60 matches (age 35-55) and have run out.
> 
> I'm also pragmatic, at 45 and overweight, finding someone who is interested is more difficult. My profile doesn't show me running a marathon, climbing rocks, kayaking rapids, sky diving or any of the 20 other activities that seem prevalent on profiles. My idea of a good time is going dancing, listening to live music, or beach/lake boating activities. With the exception of live music, the rest is not popular around here (unless they own a boat).
> 
> I'm just doing this as an experiment. I want to try and review all of the dating apps.


Lila you’re one of the kindest people on tam, you give people advice that comes from the heart. 
In the last couple of weeks you have described yourself as overweight, ugly and short. 
1. You are not ugly. Beauty comes from the heart, you may not have model looks but how many people really do?
2. You can’t do anything about your height so either wear heels or accept it. 
3. You are overweight.Eat less sugary or fried foods, eat more protein and less carbs. Start exercising. Walking is a great exercise and if you can borrow a dog it’s even better. Also you can meet some really interesting people when you’re walking a dog. 
4. There are things in life that have to be accepted. There are things that can be changed. Learn the difference.


----------



## wilson

Andy1001 said:


> Lila you’re one of the kindest people on tam, you give people advice that comes from the heart.


I totally agree. Anytime you've said something contrary about your self, it's like a stranger compared to my opinion about you. I have this vague memory that you posted a pic of yourself in a costume a while ago. It may have had spots. Did that really happen? For some reason I think it was you, and I remember thinking you looked beautiful. Actually, I thought you looked hot, but I probably shouldn't be saying that. Anyway, the fact that I can still (kinda) remember that should hopefully indicate that you truly are objectively beautiful.


----------



## Deejo

It is absolutely a numbers game. I can pretty much break things down in my experience:

I used Match.com exclusively. I was set up on one blind date ... and that transitioned into a dating relationship, primarily revolving around sex.

Over the course of dating for six years, I likely went on between 100 and 110 first dates. Actual dates ... not just corresponding with someone.

About 80 of those were one and done.

Another 20 transitioned into short term relationships lasting no more than 100 days.

Six transitioned into relationships that averaged around 6 months.

Fell in love twice. One of them of course, being the woman whom I've been with since 2014 and married to for 18 months.

Had a lot to learn out of the gate. A few of the lessons were hard. But, once I found my groove, I can say unequivocally that I really enjoyed dating.


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## Lila

Andy1001 said:


> Lila you’re one of the kindest people on tam, you give people advice that comes from the heart.
> In the last couple of weeks you have described yourself as overweight, ugly and short.
> 1. You are not ugly. Beauty comes from the heart, you may not have model looks but how many people really do?
> 2. You can’t do anything about your height so either wear heels or accept it.
> 3. You are overweight.Eat less sugary or fried foods, eat more protein and less carbs. Start exercising. Walking is a great exercise and if you can borrow a dog it’s even better. Also you can meet some really interesting people when you’re walking a dog.
> 4. There are things in life that have to be accepted. There are things that can be changed. Learn the difference.


Just to bring this back to the original topic about online dating.....kindness is not something that can be expressed/shown on an online profile. That's something that comes after people interact and get to know each other. Step 1 with online dating is "set lure" and that's done with photographs (physical attributes). This is why so many people post 10 year old photographs of themselves or flat out lie about age/height/whatever. It's their foot in the door. They feel they can convince whoever they've lured into liking them for the attributes that go beyond the physical. I do not do this. All of my pictures are less than 10 months old.

But in response to the your points.

1. You're right, not many people have model good looks but looks is the currency of online dating. Those who come closest to model good looks get interest. Those who don't get overlooked. 

2. You might have me mixed up with someone less. I don't think I've ever complained about my height. I'm 5'4 and I love wearing heels just because I love shoes. 

3. I want to elaborate on the overweight thing with me. I am physically healthy. I go to the gym regularly. I do cross fit type workouts. I run, I'm never going to win a race but I do it. I am probably healthier than most of my "thin" girlfriends and probably 2/3 of the guys online dating...... I just don't look like it. I have probably tried every "diet" imaginable, I have also taken Contrave, Phenteramine, hormones and nothing changes. I get to a set weight and only one thing can get me over it - eating less than 1,000 calories per day. Unfortunately, the last time I did that my kidneys started shutting down. Doctor warned me to stop it. 

4. "_There are things in life that have to be accepted. There are things that can be changed. Learn the difference_." Absolutely. Doesn't mean we can't discuss those things in life that can't be changed and impact our lives - good or bad, right? 




wilson said:


> I totally agree. Anytime you've said something contrary about your self, it's like a stranger compared to my opinion about you. I have this vague memory that you posted a pic of yourself in a costume a while ago. It may have had spots. Did that really happen? For some reason I think it was you, and I remember thinking you looked beautiful. Actually, I thought you looked hot, but I probably shouldn't be saying that. Anyway, the fact that I can still (kinda) remember that should hopefully indicate that you truly are objectively beautiful.


Thanks @wilson. It was halloween. Everyone looks great in costume :smile2:


----------



## Andy1001

Lila said:


> 3. I want to elaborate on the overweight thing with me. I am physically healthy. I go to the gym regularly. I do cross fit type workouts. I run, I'm never going to win a race but I do it. I am probably healthier than most of my "thin" girlfriends and probably 2/3 of the guys online dating...... I just don't look like it. I have probably tried every "diet" imaginable, I have also taken Contrave, Phenteramine, hormones and nothing changes. I get to a set weight and only one thing can get me over it - eating less than 1,000 calories per day. Unfortunately, the last time I did that my kidneys started shutting down. Doctor warned me to stop it.


I think you may be doing the wrong exercises. What is your BMI? 
CrossFit is the wrong regime for you if your goal is purely to lose weight, you build muscle and of course it has to be fed. You need a more aerobic workout without any weights involved. 
Check in your area for any gyms who may have vacuum treadmills or something similar. Concentrate on the part of your body where you feel you need to lose weight from and ease off the weight training if you are doing this. 
A good personal trainer would help you enormously. The trainers in my place can work wonders but unfortunately my gym is in Massachusetts so the commute from Georgia would be very time consuming lol.


----------



## honcho

Lila said:


> One answer.....Paradox of Choice. 😄 😄
> But seriously, I think it's multiple things.
> 
> 
> As @minimalME stated e-Harmony is not a great online dating app. They do not have very large user base. My radius is set to 30 miles in a metro area with 6 million people. They have shown me about 60 matches (age 35-55) and have run out.
> 
> I'm also pragmatic, at 45 and overweight, finding someone who is interested is more difficult. My profile doesn't show me running a marathon, climbing rocks, kayaking rapids, sky diving or any of the 20 other activities that seem prevalent on profiles. My idea of a good time is going dancing, listening to live music, or beach/lake boating activities. With the exception of live music, the rest is not popular around here (unless they own a boat).
> 
> I'm just doing this as an experiment. I want to try and review all of the dating apps.


When I dabbled in the old silliness every profile I read always had love hiking/outdoors, bike rides, kayaking, skiing etc etc, oh yeah given the area I live "love the packers". 

Reality was none of these people were into these things and just written because it's what your supposed to write to try and find someone. Most time you could tell from the pictures the person hadn't been on a bike or the beach in years. 

I was also surprised at the pictures people would actually post, mind you mine sucked I won't kid myself but when I see say 5 pictures and 4 are in a bar with a person holding a drink it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out they like bars and drinking. In this area it is the main activity and always was.


----------



## Lila

honcho said:


> When I dabbled in the old silliness every profile I read always had love hiking/outdoors, bike rides, kayaking, skiing etc etc, oh yeah given the area I live "love the packers".
> 
> *Reality was none of these people were into these things and just written because it's what your supposed to write to try and find someone. Most time you could tell from the pictures the person hadn't been on a bike or the beach in years.
> *


Or these are activities they enjoyed doing ONCE. I ran across a person like that where he said he likes water skiing and boogie boarding. I asked him when was the last time he did those things. He said 15 years ago. :surprise: Yeah, that's not something he should be mentioning on his profile. Gives the wrong impression.



> I was also surprised at the pictures people would actually post, mind you mine sucked I won't kid myself but when I see say 5 pictures and 4 are in a bar with a person holding a drink it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out they like bars and drinking. In this area it is the main activity and always was.


Yep. I've seen these as well. I'm not much of a drinker (I'll have A drink when I go out) but I do go out to bars (live music and drinking). I don't have any drinking (or bar) pictures. It has to be bad if someone has MULTIPLE drinking/bar pics.


----------



## OnTheFly

Lila said:


> I am physically healthy. I go to the gym regularly. I do cross fit type workouts.


Any guys there?


----------



## Lila

OnTheFly said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am physically healthy. I go to the gym regularly. I do cross fit type workouts.
> 
> 
> 
> Any guys there?
Click to expand...

Yes. It's a normal gym.


----------



## OnTheFly

Lila said:


> OnTheFly said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am physically healthy. I go to the gym regularly. I do cross fit type workouts.
> 
> 
> 
> Any guys there?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Yes. It's a normal gym.
Click to expand...

Haha, oops, I meant, any eligible guys there?


----------



## Wolf1974

Deejo said:


> It is absolutely a *numbers game*. I can pretty much break things down in my experience:
> 
> I used Match.com exclusively. I was set up on one blind date ... and that transitioned into a dating relationship, primarily revolving around sex.
> 
> Over the course of dating for six years, I likely went on between 100 and 110 first dates. Actual dates ... not just corresponding with someone.
> 
> About 80 of those were one and done.
> 
> Another 20 transitioned into short term relationships lasting no more than 100 days.
> 
> Six transitioned into relationships that averaged around 6 months.
> 
> Fell in love twice. One of them of course, being the woman whom I've been with since 2014 and married to for 18 months.
> 
> Had a lot to learn out of the gate. A few of the lessons were hard. But, once I found my groove, I can say unequivocally that I really enjoyed dating.


Whole heartedly agreed. I went on several hundred maybe more first dates and only about 30-40 second dates over the course of 7 years. What made that successful was numbers. I was on every dating site they had then, this was pre tinder. And I messaged everyone I found mildly attractive. Most every weekend I had a date, some weekends I had multiple in one day. I had a total of 4 relationships that’s lasted over 4 months until I met my finance. All about the numbers


----------



## Elizabeth001

I’m just biding my time. I figure I’ll eventually be able to order a man from Amazon and have him here in one day, even if it happens to be a Sunday 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks

Lila said:


> Yes. It's a normal gym.


I'll bet there are lots of normal gyms with lots of normal guys in your area. I'd try out the equipment at every single one of them:wink2:. As they say, it's a numbers game.


----------



## notmyjamie

honcho said:


> When I dabbled in the old silliness every profile I read always had love hiking/outdoors, bike rides, kayaking, skiing etc etc, oh yeah given the area I live "love the packers".
> 
> Reality was none of these people were into these things and just written because it's what your supposed to write to try and find someone. Most time you could tell from the pictures the person hadn't been on a bike or the beach in years.


I just don't understand this...I want someone who wants the same things I do and likes the same things I do. So telling people I love skiing for example is just stupid. I can't ski...used to like it, but after ankle surgery I can't do it anymore. So why would I bother trying to attract someone who loves to ski? Just dumb. Because it's not going to take long for the guy to figure out I hoodwinked him about liking skiing.


----------



## SunCMars

If I were looking, and I'm not....

I would wait for them to come to me. 

To appear before me. 
I am that magnet.

I would recognize the hints displayed.
Yes.

There are those outside forces that work to some purpose.
Go with the flow.

Howsoever, be not complacent, be not that fool.
Many may appear before you, pick the one most compatible.

Good luck with that!!! :grin2:


----------



## SunCMars

notmyjamie said:


> I just don't understand this...I want someone who wants the same things I do and likes the same things I do. So telling people *I love skiing* for example is just stupid. I can't ski...used to like it, but after ankle surgery I can't do it anymore. So why would I bother trying to attract someone who loves to ski? Just dumb. Because it's not going to take long for the guy to figure out I hoodwinked him about liking skiing.


Yes, yes. Finding that person who is compatible. That is the most important thing.

On those likes, e.g, skiing.

Compromise, tell them you like winter activities, such sledding and snowshoeing.
And, cross county skiing is not as hard on your ankles.

Do a lot of walking, add in a bit of jogging to strengthen your ankles. Even bike riding is good for maintaining ankle mobility. 
We all age. 

Tell a prospective date that you enjoy being active. That is always a plus.


----------



## notmyjamie

Andy1001 said:


> I think you may be doing the wrong exercises. What is your BMI?
> CrossFit is the wrong regime for you if your goal is purely to lose weight, you build muscle and of course it has to be fed. You need a more aerobic workout without any weights involved.
> Check in your area for any gyms who may have vacuum treadmills or something similar. Concentrate on the part of your body where you feel you need to lose weight from and ease off the weight training if you are doing this.
> A good personal trainer would help you enormously. The trainers in my place can work wonders but unfortunately my gym is in Massachusetts so the commute from Georgia would be very time consuming lol.


What is a vacuum treadmill?

I need a new gym. Mine is too small for the amount of people that use it now. At the times I can go, there are way too many people there...all fighting over 4 ellipticals and 3 treadmills. And I can't get near the weight machines. It's a real bummer as I can walk to this gym from my house. 

I was thinking about the Y, but I don't think they have personal trainers. Are your trainers good with people with existing injuries? I have to be SO careful about my back. That's one thing I worry about a lot when I think about using a trainer.


----------



## notmyjamie

SunCMars said:


> Yes, yes. Finding that person who is compatible. That is the most important thing.
> 
> On those likes, e.g, skiing.
> 
> Compromise, tell them you like winter activities, such sledding and snowshoeing.
> And, cross county skiing is not as hard on your ankles.
> 
> Do a lot of walking, add in a bit of jogging to strengthen your ankles. Even bike riding is good for maintaining ankle mobility.
> We all age.
> 
> Tell a prospective date that you enjoy being active. That is always a plus.


I have no desire to add skiing back into my life. I can ski just fine, but due to the particular surgery I had, the next day, I am in a lot of pain. My tendon has been attached to my bone in a way that just can't handle being in a ski boot all day. I don't really care. I gave it up 30 years ago and I don't miss it.

My point was just that I don't understand people who lie on a dating site. Eventually you have to pay up or it all falls apart. I could have used any activity as my example. I'm also not going to say I love horror movies because I hate them and eventually, I'd end up having to either go see one with my date or tell him I lied on my profile. I don't like either of those choices.

I was honest on my profile about what I like and I met someone who was also honest, thankfully. Therefore, we are very compatible and we're having a blast together. I just think the whole OLD system would work much better if people were honest. That's all I was trying to say.

I appreciate the advice though!!!! :smile2:


----------



## ConanHub

notmyjamie said:


> What is a vacuum treadmill?
> 
> I need a new gym. Mine is too small for the amount of people that use it now. At the times I can go, there are way too many people there...all fighting over 4 ellipticals and 3 treadmills. And I can't get near the weight machines. It's a real bummer as I can walk to this gym from my house.
> 
> I was thinking about the Y, but I don't think they have personal trainers. Are your trainers good with people with existing injuries? I have to be SO careful about my back. That's one thing I worry about a lot when I think about using a trainer.


Planet Fitness is inexpensive and usually pretty big. They have a lot of machines that help reduce strain while working a certain body part.


----------



## SunCMars

notmyjamie said:


> What is a vacuum treadmill?
> 
> I need a new gym. Mine is too small for the amount of people that use it now. At the times I can go, there are way too many people there...all fighting over 4 ellipticals and 3 treadmills. And I can't get near the weight machines. It's a real bummer as I can walk to this gym from my house.
> 
> I was thinking about the Y, but I don't think they have personal trainers. Are your trainers good with people with existing injuries? I have to be SO careful about my back. That's one thing I worry about a lot when I think about using a trainer.


I know about back injuries, having had multiple incidents. None were accidents. :surprise:

Two crash landings in helicopters, and prolonging having a bad back from being a lifelong long-distance runner.

My surgeries fixed my back, destroyed a lot of muscle and nerve fiber in one major disk-fusion operation.

You must baby a bad back, but not to the point of babying one's body. Keep in shape.
Push it, ah, do not ruin your body. I never learned.

At one time I could do 100 sit ups in two minutes. Uh, not any more! :frown2:

I go to the large commercial gyms. I have a Silver Sneaker membership.

Ask management when the peak hours are and the slow times.

Yeah, I know, you are working during those hours! :frown2:

When younger, I worked off shifts and the gym was least busy early in the morning.



[?]-


----------



## Andy1001

notmyjamie said:


> What is a vacuum treadmill?
> 
> I need a new gym. Mine is too small for the amount of people that use it now. At the times I can go, there are way too many people there...all fighting over 4 ellipticals and 3 treadmills. And I can't get near the weight machines. It's a real bummer as I can walk to this gym from my house.
> 
> I was thinking about the Y, but I don't think they have personal trainers. Are your trainers good with people with existing injuries? I have to be SO careful about my back. That's one thing I worry about a lot when I think about using a trainer.


A vacuum treadmill is basically an ordinary treadmill with sides and a back door, you wear a heavy apron which fits tightly around your waist (chest for men) and forms a seal with the machine. Then suction is applied at various strengths as you walk or run on the treadmill. 
For someone trying to lose weight quickly I have seen a better piece of equipment.
However,You need to say away from them because of your back problems. 
There is another machine which will help you and that’s called an anti-gravity treadmill. Rather than me trying to explain how they work go on utube and you will see them in action. 
These machines are very expensive so you won’t find them in too many places. Top of the range models will cost around seventy grand or so.


----------



## notmyjamie

SunCMars said:


> I know about back injuries, having had multiple incidents. None were accidents. :surprise:
> 
> Two crash landings in helicopters, and prolonging having a bad back from being a lifelong long-distance runner.
> 
> My surgeries fixed my back, destroyed a lot of muscle and nerve fiber in one major disk-fusion operation.
> 
> You must baby a bad back, but not to the point of babying one's body. Keep in shape.
> Push it, ah, do not ruin your body. I never learned.
> 
> At one time I could do 100 sit ups in two minutes. Uh, not any more! :frown2:
> 
> I go to the large commercial gyms. I have a Silver Sneaker membership.
> 
> Ask management when the peak hours are and the slow times.
> 
> Yeah, I know, you are working during those hours! :frown2:
> 
> When younger, I worked off shifts and the gym was least busy early in the morning.
> 
> 
> 
> [?]-


Yeah...I've been bad the last year and really haven't been doing my core strengthening that I should be doing. I did lose a lot of the weight that I had gained while I was paralyzed from a disc problem that caused severe nerve damage but I have about 20 more to go. Need to lose that and get back some core strength. I'm terrified of having another disc problem. 

I am home 2 days during the week so I could hit a gym earlier in the day on those days. My particular gym is still busy during that time. I live in a smallish town with a LOT of stay at home Moms so they all go during the day too. I guess I just need a bigger gym.


----------



## LimaTango

Wolf1974 said:


> Whole heartedly agreed. I went on several hundred maybe more first dates and only about 30-40 second dates over the course of 7 years. What made that successful was numbers. I was on every dating site they had then, this was pre tinder. And I messaged everyone I found mildly attractive. Most every weekend I had a date, some weekends I had multiple in one day. I had a total of 4 relationships that’s lasted over 4 months until I met my finance. All about the numbers


These are astounding numbers to me. The idea of going on hundreds of first dates?!

Were you asking for dates on your first message to these women? 

And what would you say was your most effective first date to get to know the other woman? Coffee shop? Restaurant? Meet in park? (that many first dates gets expensive after a while right?).


----------



## notmyjamie

Andy1001 said:


> A vacuum treadmill is basically an ordinary treadmill with sides and a back door, you wear a heavy apron which fits tightly around your waist (chest for men) and forms a seal with the machine. Then suction is applied at various strengths as you walk or run on the treadmill.
> For someone trying to lose weight quickly I have seen a better piece of equipment.
> However,You need to say away from them because of your back problems.
> There is another machine which will help you and that’s called an anti-gravity treadmill. Rather than me trying to explain how they work go on utube and you will see them in action.
> These machines are very expensive so you won’t find them in too many places. Top of the range models will cost around seventy grand or so.


Interesting. Thanks for the information. It looks amazing. I am not a big fan of regular treadmills...I just can't seem to figure them out...I'm always on the verge of falling on my ass but this looks totally different. 

Does your gym have one of these? I might join if you did LOL


----------



## lovelygirl

Lila said:


> Let's discuss Online Dating.
> 
> On another thread I mentioned that finding a dating partner has become more difficult due to something Psychologist refer to as Paradox of Choice.
> 
> The Paradox of Choice also know as the Jam Experiment Theory suggests that with so many possible choices, we risk not making a choice at all and then even when we choose, we're always looking out for better options . Many people experience general unhappiness with their choice when given too many options. Combined with the false sense of abundance you get the never ending "grass is greener" mentality.
> 
> Discuss.


The grass could be greener on the other side, even if you'r not dating online. You could be multi-dating (offline) because ..you never know...
So the same mentality goes around whether you're dating online or offline. To me this is irrelevant. 

As for online dating, I've been on Tinder for more than 3 years now (on and off) and it depends on how you use it. 

At times, it feels like a waste of time -> re-introducing yourself to your 40th match ...all over again ... and then you meet him a few days after and you dump him (or him you). 

The time that is spent typing (alone), I call it a waste of time. Plus, if I don't feel that we click for the first 2 days, I unmatch him. Don't have time or energy to keep on writing more if he's just plain and boring and whatever... 

If we feel we click, we meet the 3rd day ...so it's like a speed dating and that's the advantage. I wouldn't chat with someone for more than 2 or 3 days if I don't like the vibe. 

I'm kind of tired, though I've met many people, but most of the dating period (after Tinder introduction) hasn't lasted for more than 3 weeks. 

And I don't know why they have this stupid mentality that Tinder is just for hook-ups. Sure, it can be for hookups but many people (like myself) don't have lots of time to meet people outside, so some decent people could be met online. But most of them are there for the hook-up mentality. 

This is so old-fashion to expect to find people online just for sex.


----------



## Robbie1234

notmyjamie said:


> Interesting. Thanks for the information. It looks amazing. I am not a big fan of regular treadmills...I just can't seem to figure them out...I'm always on the verge of falling on my ass but this looks totally different.
> 
> Does your gym have one of these? I might join if you did LOL


Oh yeah join his gym. 
Andy really needs the money. Not.


----------



## Livvie

The problem with this is: some people, who may be very magnetic, and have a lot to offer a potential partner... don't meet many people in their day to day life. There's no one to feel the pull of their magnetic force! Waiting for a potential partner to appear, "going with the flow" could equal year after year of waiting. This is true even of people who are active in hobbies or groups. It's a numbers game, chance, to meet someone who could even be a potential partner.

Some people have to engage in online dating if they even hope to increase their chances of meeting potentials... let alone having many to pick from!



SunCMars said:


> If I were looking, and I'm not....
> 
> I would wait for them to come to me.
> 
> To appear before me.
> I am that magnet.
> 
> I would recognize the hints displayed.
> Yes.
> 
> There are those outside forces that work to some purpose.
> Go with the flow.
> 
> Howsoever, be not complacent, be not that fool.
> Many may appear before you, pick the one most compatible.
> 
> Good luck with that!!! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>


----------



## notmyjamie

Robbie1234 said:


> Oh yeah join his gym.
> Andy really needs the money. Not.


Well, it's not about giving him money, it's about finding a gym that I'd feel safe working out in due to my back problems. I live in MA so why not check it out? My understanding is that he owns this gym with a friend who is the one involved in running the gym. I'm sure the amount I'd pay for a membership would be a drop in the bucket to Andy's bank account. But even if he came away with a large sum, if it helps my back I'd gladly hand it over as that's what is motivating me.


----------



## Andy1001

notmyjamie said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> 
> A vacuum treadmill is basically an ordinary treadmill with sides and a back door, you wear a heavy apron which fits tightly around your waist (chest for men) and forms a seal with the machine. Then suction is applied at various strengths as you walk or run on the treadmill.
> For someone trying to lose weight quickly I have seen a better piece of equipment.
> However,You need to say away from them because of your back problems.
> There is another machine which will help you and that’s called an anti-gravity treadmill. Rather than me trying to explain how they work go on utube and you will see them in action.
> These machines are very expensive so you won’t find them in too many places. Top of the range models will cost around seventy grand or so.
> 
> 
> 
> Interesting. Thanks for the information. It looks amazing. I am not a big fan of regular treadmills...I just can't seem to figure them out...I'm always on the verge of falling on my ass but this looks totally different.
> 
> Does your gym have one of these? I might join if you did LOL
Click to expand...

No we got rid of them, they were being used all the time and after a few months they would break down. Then the customers were complaining and they have this strange idea that they deserve to be listened to lol. 
I think any gym instructor should be wary of letting someone with a back injury on any machine. I’m not sure where you live but maybe there are some health centers with physiotherapists on staff. You could try that.


----------



## notmyjamie

Andy1001 said:


> No we got rid of them, they were being used all the time and after a few months they would break down. Then the customers were complaining and they have this strange idea that they deserve to be listened to lol.
> I think any gym instructor should be wary of letting someone with a back injury on any machine. I’m not sure where you live but maybe there are some health centers with physiotherapists on staff. You could try that.


I will look for that. Thanks so much for your help!!!! Much appreciated.:smile2:


----------



## Wolf1974

LimaTango said:


> These are astounding numbers to me. The idea of going on hundreds of first dates?!
> 
> Were you asking for dates on your first message to these women?
> 
> And what would you say was your most effective first date to get to know the other woman? Coffee shop? Restaurant? Meet in park? (that many first dates gets expensive after a while right?).


All good questions. If you want to get technical I didn’t really have first “dates”. Oh don’t get me wrong I had to learn dating for the first time at 34/35 :grin2: and what I thought that meant was expensive steak and lobster dinners with only the hottest women I could find. 

But as you imagine that attracts only women interested in money and it was an impossible standard to hold up. So after I figured this is the numbers game I changed the concept of first dates to a first meet. Dates come with a lot of expectations and how do you know you will even like a person enough to have dinner with. So yes I learned early on never delay on asking to meet in real life. 10 or so messages back and forth and hey let’s go grab a beer or a coffee or something quick. Never a whole meal, never a big event of it.  

Some of those dates ended before we even sat down. Clearly fake pictures on profiles or pictures from 10 years and 50 lbs ago. Again in the beginning I would sit down anyway and go along with the date, the whole time aggravated about being deceived, but after awhile I stopped. Others were a no for other reasons like the lady who made a point to loudly proclaim she could get her own chair when I pulled her seat out for her lol or the woman who showed up drunk, and I mean stumbling drunk to our first meet up....did I mention I’m a cop and you drove here in this condition >

But honestly most were true to what they presented online we just didn’t have a connection for a second date. And that wasn’t one sided I had plenty that I was interested in for a second date but they declined. Some I didn’t find romantically interesting but we became good friends and still are to this day.

I think my biggest takeaway was not to take any of it to seriously. It wasn’t a huge financial investment, once I got past that initial hump, nor a huge time commitment.


----------



## AVR1962

Deejo said:


> It is absolutely a numbers game. I can pretty much break things down in my experience:
> 
> I used Match.com exclusively. I was set up on one blind date ... and that transitioned into a dating relationship, primarily revolving around sex.
> 
> Over the course of dating for six years, I likely went on between 100 and 110 first dates. Actual dates ... not just corresponding with someone.
> 
> About 80 of those were one and done.
> 
> Another 20 transitioned into short term relationships lasting no more than 100 days.
> 
> Six transitioned into relationships that averaged around 6 months.
> 
> Fell in love twice. One of them of course, being the woman whom I've been with since 2014 and married to for 18 months.
> 
> Had a lot to learn out of the gate. A few of the lessons were hard. But, once I found my groove, I can say unequivocally that I really enjoyed dating.


I thought my numbers were bad until I saw this and I agree. Think there are so many phases we go thru in the process of dating after a divorce or losing a loved one. So you don't know where that other person is in their journey unless they open up to you honestly and I have found many men will. I too have been on many dating sites with exception of Bumble, Tinder, and the free sites. Most I have not stayed with more than a month with the exception of Match and even with Match I have only been on for 6 months. In that 6 months though I have blocked over 1500 men...I know that sounds crazy but these men will continually come back into my feed and I have no interest. I have met something like 35 men in 2 1/2 years....I didn't start dating right after my divorce. I have had conversation, texts without meeting with well over 200 men. Of the 35 I have met I have been amazed how out-dated their online pics were, to a point of not being sure it was the same person. Normally something abut their mannerisms was a turn off and I would not see them again. I have had many very strange situations I won't go into, I could write a book, seriously!!!! There were several men that went past 3 dates but normally at date 3 or 4 men turn up the chase to get you in the sack and if I am not seeing an interest in me, I end up by then. One man did make it to date 10, all the while trying to land me and I finally ended it. Two relationships that I was looking for something lasting ...learned alot about myself which I think is vital in the process. Currently have a friend who has been honest with me about his intentions, both of us in transition at the time we met. We have enjoyed the friendship but that is all it is. Recently I met a man I am actually interested in getting to know more. Dating has helped me to figure what I want, what is important to me, and some of how men think (still learning there). I have had to be strong in placing boundaries as men can be all hands without knowing their intent. For me, someone special has to fit in with my life and there are some men that it simply is not going to happen. I have worked hard for everything in my life and I will not let anyone walk into my life and undermine that.


----------



## Diana7

AVR1962 said:


> I thought my numbers were bad until I saw this and I agree. Think there are so many phases we go thru in the process of dating after a divorce or losing a loved one. So you don't know where that other person is in their journey unless they open up to you honestly and I have found many men will. I too have been on many dating sites with exception of Bumble, Tinder, and the free sites. Most I have not stayed with more than a month with the exception of Match and even with Match I have only been on for 6 months. In that 6 months though I have blocked over 1500 men...I know that sounds crazy but these men will continually come back into my feed and I have no interest. I have met something like 35 men in 2 1/2 years....I didn't start dating right after my divorce. I have had conversation, texts without meeting with well over 200 men. Of the 35 I have met I have been amazed how out-dated their online pics were, to a point of not being sure it was the same person. Normally something abut their mannerisms was a turn off and I would not see them again. I have had many very strange situations I won't go into, I could write a book, seriously!!!! There were several men that went past 3 dates but normally at date 3 or 4 men turn up the chase to get you in the sack and if I am not seeing an interest in me, I end up by then. One man did make it to date 10, all the while trying to land me and I finally ended it. Two relationships that I was looking for something lasting ...learned alot about myself which I think is vital in the process. Currently have a friend who has been honest with me about his intentions, both of us in transition at the time we met. We have enjoyed the friendship but that is all it is. Recently I met a man I am actually interested in getting to know more. Dating has helped me to figure what I want, what is important to me, and some of how men think (still learning there). I have had to be strong in placing boundaries as men can be all hands without knowing their intent. For me, someone special has to fit in with my life and there are some men that it simply is not going to happen. I have worked hard for everything in my life and I will not let anyone walk into my life and undermine that.


Wow I cant believe how many you guys have been in contact with and dated. Maybe after all only wanting to met a Christian guy has its advantages, they are very rare in the UK in your 40's as I was then. Yes I had hardly any to choose from, and yes there were far more men than women, but I managed to get away with only meeting 3 men before I met my husband, and probably emailed back and forth with 10 or so more than that. 
I just cant imagine having to date so many, sometimes there is too much choice it seems. 

I knew what I wanted before I started so in that way I was fortunate. I had already had a long 25 year marriage and this and life generally had taught me a lot about the sort of man I wanted. Also I stuck to dating sites in the UK only,andhad to have my search radius very large or there would not have been any men at all. I know a young Christian man in the south east of the UK who met and later married a lady from Ireland he met on line, so we do need to be flexible. Another from the south east who met and married a lady from the north, about 5 hours drive away. They also met on a Christian dating site. She was the first lady who contacted him.


----------



## AVR1962

Diana7 said:


> Wow I cant believe how many you guys have been in contact with and dated. Maybe after all only wanting to met a Christian guy has its advantages, they are very rare in the UK in your 40's as I was then. Yes I had hardly any to choose from, and yes there were far more men than women, but I managed to get away with only meeting 3 men before I met my husband, and probably emailed back and forth with 10 or so more than that.
> I just cant imagine having to date so many, sometimes there is too much choice it seems.
> 
> I knew what I wanted before I started so in that way I was fortunate. I had already had a long 25 year marriage and this and life generally had taught me a lot about the sort of man I wanted. Also I stuck to dating sites in the UK only,andhad to have my search radius very large or there would not have been any men at all. I know a young Christian man in the south east of the UK who met and later married a lady from Ireland he met on line, so we do need to be flexible. Another from the south east who met and married a lady from the north, about 5 hours drive away. They also met on a Christian dating site. She was the first lady who contacted him.


I look at my sister who just celebrated her 30th anniversary with her husband. She was the sibling whose pets were all a little weird and my mom joked she hoped she never had kids. She married a man older than herself by several years and as nice as he is I really had my questions about it originally. There did not seem to be alot of affection exchanged between the two. She had 2 children and she now has a grandchild and they truly all seem to be a happy family. She dated very little but when she did get her man it worked for her.

Diana7, I do understand long marriages, I too was married for 24 years. Like you, my experiences continue to show me what I need to see about myself. I made alot of mistakes along the way. I have not got on the Christian sites. I live in a heavily populated area and there just is alot out there I am not interested in. When the time is right I believe there will be a connection.


----------



## VibrantWings

Screen shot of recent conversation I had on Plenty of FAKES. I was truly hoping he would continue.


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## Elizabeth001

VibrantWings said:


> Screen shot of recent conversation I had on Plenty of FAKES. I was truly hoping he would continue.




BAHAHAAAA!



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## Blondilocks

VibrantWings said:


> Screen shot of recent conversation I had on Plenty of FAKES. I was truly hoping he would continue.


OMG! That's the type of crap you have to contend with?:grin2: I think he met his match.


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## Personal

VibrantWings said:


> Screen shot of recent conversation I had on Plenty of FAKES. I was truly hoping he would continue.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Wow! You could have hours of fun with that kind of nonsense.


----------



## Lila

I watched this Ted Talk and just had to share. It's delightful and engaging.... "How I Hacked Online Dating - Amy Webb"

https://youtu.be/d6wG_sAdP0U


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## lovelygirl

Lila said:


> I watched this Ted Talk and just had to share. It's delightful and engaging.... "How I Hacked Online Dating - Amy Webb"
> 
> https://youtu.be/d6wG_sAdP0U


It was very interesting to watch.

Important message about finding someone who shares the same values with you. And that's not easy.

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## Lila

lovelygirl said:


> It was very interesting to watch.
> 
> *Important message about finding someone who shares the same values with you.* And that's not easy.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


I agree. I find it interesting that her take away was not "be less picky" - it was "be pickier".


----------



## lovelygirl

Lila said:


> I agree. I find it interesting that her take away was not "be less picky" - it was "be pickier".


:grin2: yeah it was quite courageous of her to go through all that and still insist to make it in the end!


----------



## Lila

A little update on the e-harmony experiment.....

I canceled the subscription after two months. Got two 1st dates out of it and that's about all she wrote. I think it's possibly the worst dating app available on the market today mostly because there are such few people actually using it. 


I do believe that E-harmony's claim that more people find partners to marry using their site is true. But I think it has less to do with their "compatibility matching algorithm" (Ok Cupid's matching protocol is much more comprehensive) and more with the psychology of sunk costs. It's a well known fact that people will put more effort into things where large amounts of their resources have been invested. It's no different with dating. E-harmony charges A LOT of money to use their service. I was able to find a discount to significantly reduce my cost for a 6 month membership, which makes walking away empty handed not so difficult, but had I paid full price (over $300), I probably would have been more open to people who did not check off all of my boxes. 

Anyway, if any of you have experiences with other sites, please share.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I still like bumble the best of the ones I’ve tried, but I’m thinking it may be because it’s got the most people on it. That may be why it seems to offer me more potential matches. 

However, I’m taking a break from all of it because the guy I met there recently, we had to break up. His sister had been in a life threatening situation which occurred literally on the first weekend we were seeing each other. Over the next few weeks she was stabilized but will now have months of rehabilitation ahead of her. Her two kids ended up needing to stay with my boyfriend for the time being as she can’t care for them while recovering. His whole life was upended and I just couldn’t put my silly girlfriend needs on his shoulders too.

I’m really sad about this one so I’m just gonna chill for a bit. At first I was going to just get back out there but I realized pretty quickly it was just making me miss him and my heart wasn’t into it.


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> However, I’m taking a break from all of it because the guy I met there recently, we had to break up. His sister had been in a life threatening situation which occurred literally on the first weekend we were seeing each other. Over the next few weeks she was stabilized but will now have months of rehabilitation ahead of her. Her two kids ended up needing to stay with my boyfriend for the time being as she can’t care for them while recovering. His whole life was upended and I just couldn’t put my silly girlfriend needs on his shoulders too.
> 
> I’m really sad about this one so I’m just gonna chill for a bit. At first I was going to just get back out there but I realized pretty quickly it was just making me miss him and my heart wasn’t into it.


Sorry to hear about "sexy cool dude" FW. It seems like we need to add right timing to the mix. Maybe this isn't necessarily a goodbye but a see ya later.


----------



## honcho

Lila said:


> Sorry to hear about "sexy cool dude" FW. It seems like we need to add right timing to the mix. Maybe this isn't necessarily a goodbye but a see ya later.


For all the algorithms and compatibility timing plays a much bigger role than we want it too.


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## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> Sorry to hear about "sexy cool dude" FW. It seems like we need to add right timing to the mix. Maybe this isn't necessarily a goodbye but a see ya later.


That is a possibility, but since he simply cannot say what is going to happen in his life with these family issues, he did not/could not ask me to wait around for him.

And I won't wait around.

But we still may end up finding our way back after a bit, if his life settles down.


----------



## Amk Bem

minimalME said:


> I completely agree that it's about the psychological aspect - the habits and discontent that the apps have created.
> 
> It doesn't really matter how 'perfect' you are anymore.
> 
> For people who aren't already in stable, long-term relationships, whatever someone is offering, it likely won't be enough.
> 
> It's like relational gluttony - and definitely a consumer mindset about using and discarding other people.
> 
> People get what they think they want, but then after awhile, they don't want it anymore. So they get divorced _again_, and get back into the dating pool _again_.
> 
> It was surprising to go on a first date and discover that the man who'd put himself as divorced was still married. (x2)
> 
> It was shocking to go on a first date and discover that a different man had already been married and divorced 3 times. (x2)
> 
> It was appalling to discover that yet a different guy I'd gone on one date with was on the pediphile registry in my area.
> 
> There are just too many distractions in our world that I'm no longer willing to compete with.
> 
> I'm not gonna fight about the pornography, or the girl from high school who's now contacting you through fb, or the endless hookup sites that you're just 'curious' about, or the secret girlfriend you have in the next town, or the 20 year old at your office who you're flirting with.
> 
> I want a quiet, peaceful life, and I don't trust that I can have that with another person.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think your question was rhetorical but I'll answer anyway. The "apps and whatnot" have actually made finding someone harder due to Paradox of Choice and the fallacy of abundance mentality. These are Psychological phenomena. Seems the more we use technology to make life easier, the harder they seem to get.
Click to expand...


EXACTLY.
That's what makes me tired. 
That's why I've been thinking about my ex as I posted here.
At least he used to see some value in me. These guys don't.


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## Lila

More experimenting by Lila.

Decided to reactivate my Match account from January of this year but I completely revamped the profile. It is bluntly honest and less intense. I kept it fun and open. So far there's been lots of interest; have had three first dates that turned into three second dates and three third dates. 

The key to online dating for me is to trust my gut. I'm a logical person and tend to over-analyze situations but with online dating, if it doesn't feel right, then it's probably best to cut bait. My sixth sense is telling me something isn't right.


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## attheend02

Lila said:


> More experimenting by Lila.
> 
> Decided to reactivate my Match account from January of this year but I completely revamped the profile. It is bluntly honest and less intense. I kept it fun and open. So far there's been lots of interest; have had three first dates that turned into three second dates and three third dates.
> 
> The key to online dating for me is to trust my gut. I'm a logical person and tend to over-analyze situations but with online dating, if it doesn't feel right, then it's probably best to cut bait. My sixth sense is telling me something isn't right.


Do you mean that out of 9 dates your sixth sense is telling you something isn't right? I don't get it.

Sounds like you had fun!


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## Lila

attheend02 said:


> Do you mean that out of 9 dates your sixth sense is telling you something isn't right? I don't get it.
> 
> Sounds like you had fun!


It was three separate guys who I went on three dates a piece (one initial meet + 2 dates). I should have followed my gut on one of them and let him go after the initial meet.


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## AVR1962

Lila said:


> It was three separate guys who I went on three dates a piece (one initial meet + 2 dates). I should have followed my gut on one of them and let him go after the initial meet.


Girl, I hear ya but it gets old!!! I get so many response but it is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Don't get me wrong, I have met alot of very interesting fellows and made connections with some but I don't find men want relationships. I find they each have their cunning way to try to lure you to what they want and i just end it. I am still dating my "tiger" the doctor but even that has no promise. We have fun but men like their freedom and variety.


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## Lila

AVR1962 said:


> Girl, I hear ya but it gets old!!! I get so many response but it is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Don't get me wrong, I have met alot of very interesting fellows and made connections with some but I don't find men want relationships. I find they each have their cunning way to try to lure you to what they want and i just end it. I am still dating my "tiger" the doctor but even that has no promise. We have fun but men like their freedom and variety.


I think it's called wanting all of the benefits of a relationship without any of the limitations. 

You're lucky in that you have made connections. I am still working to get to that point.


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## Lila

Update to my experimentation:

I shut my match account down again. I am done with online dating. It's one thing to get rejected by attractive men who have their **** together. It's another to get rejected by a bunch of average to less than average looking guys with more issues than tissues. I know I sound bitter but damn, online dating is not good for self confidence. From everything I've heard and experienced, the women are all looking for Christian Grey and men are looking for silicon barbie dolls with the kindness of Mother Teresa and the sex drive/boundaries of a swinger porn star.:laugh: I exaggerate but you get the drift.


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## minimalME

This is exactly why I stopped. 

Even though I'm attractive, in shape and financially independent, I consistently ended up feeling unattractive, unwanted and unloveable. 




Lila said:


> Update to my experimentation:
> 
> I shut my match account down again. I am done with online dating. It's one thing to get rejected by attractive men who have their **** together. It's another to get rejected by *a bunch of average to less than average looking guys with more issues than tissues.* I know I sound bitter but damn, online dating is not good for self confidence. From everything I've heard and experienced, the women are all looking for Christian Grey and men are looking for silicon barbie dolls with the kindness of Mother Teresa and the sex drive/boundaries of a swinger porn star.:laugh: I exaggerate but you get the drift.


----------



## Diana7

AVR1962 said:


> Girl, I hear ya but it gets old!!! I get so many response but it is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Don't get me wrong, I have met alot of very interesting fellows and made connections with some but I don't find men want relationships. I find they each have their cunning way to try to lure you to what they want and i just end it. I am still dating my "tiger" the doctor but even that has no promise. We have fun but men like their freedom and variety.


I think that's why its better to make it very clear on your profile that you are not looking for casual sex and want a long term relationship. Wouldn't that weed out a lot of them?


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## Diana7

minimalME said:


> This is exactly why I stopped.
> 
> Even though I'm attractive, in shape and financially independent, I consistently ended up feeling unattractive, unwanted and unloveable.


That can happen, and on Christian dating sites its worse because there were about 3 or 4 women to every man when I was on there. After a while I got immune to rejections and carried on anyway. It took 2 years to find my man, and a lovely lady I got to know there took 7 years to meet her lovely man, who was 7 years younger than her and training to be a vicar. :smile2:


----------



## minimalME

In my experience telling a man upfront that you're not looking for casual sex is either completely ignored or not taken seriously. 

I'd tell them I wasn't going to have sex with them, but they all seem to think they were stud muffins who'd have my panties off in 5 minutes - and then get frustrated that I actually meant what I said.



Diana7 said:


> I think that's why its better to make it very clear on your profile that you are not looking for casual sex and want a long term relationship. Wouldn't that weed out a lot of them?


----------



## minimalME

I tried online dating for 8 years without even coming close to a serious relationship. 

I am truly happy for you that it worked out for you and your husband, but it didn't work for me.

I haven't gone on a date in a little more than a year, and the more I've moved away from it all, the more I question whether I even would truly want to be married again.

The fantasy part of me thinks it would be nice, but this is the first time in my life I'm doing exactly what I want, and I don't take that for granted.




Diana7 said:


> That can happen, and on Christian dating sites its worse because there were about 3 or 4 women to every man when I was on there. After a while I didn't let rejections etc bother me and carried on anyway. It took 2 years to find my man, and a lovely lady I got to know there took 7 years to meet her lovely man, who was 7 years younger than her and training to be a vicar. :smile2:


----------



## Lila

minimalME said:


> In my experience telling a man upfront that you're not looking for casual sex is either completely ignored or not taken seriously.
> 
> I'd tell them I wasn't going to have sex with them, but they all seem to think they were stud muffins who'd have my panties off in 5 minutes - and then get frustrated that I actually meant what I said.


Dang @minimalME. You must be a hottie.:smile2: 

I haven't had that happen to me (well with the exception of octopus hands and I met him "in real life"). I get friend zoned or dropped like a bad habit. I'm not even opposed to casual sex per se. I just have to want to go there. Haven't had anyone want to get me there.


----------



## minimalME

I'm not.  

The adjective is consistently 'cute'. 

I think there are always people more or less attractive, but as a 52 year old woman (who refuses to dye the gray hair), I can confidently say that in terms of my peer group, I'm okay.

When I went to my daughters college graduation in May, she even commented on the difference between how I look verses how her friend's moms look.

But the main point for me is that I ended up feeling like an escort service. The last two years of dating, I wasn't meeting anyone who was genuinely interested in knowing me as a person.

The attitude was mainly: (1) how much of my **** are you willing to put up with, and (2) how long are you going to make me wait for sex.




Lila said:


> Dang @minimalME. You must be a hottie.:smile2:


----------



## Faithful Wife

Gosh you guys....where do you live?? I’m so sad reading your stories. I had to wonder if online apps attract different people in different areas. There are plenty of decent men where I’m at. We aren’t always going to match but at least I see their profiles and talk to enough of them to know they are decent and just looking for a happy relationship. 

Or maybe it’s because the ones who are just looking for something casual are more free to openly say that and therefore remove themselves from the pool who does want a relationship. 

Around here a lot of guys start out their profile with “not looking for hookups” and when I talk to those guys, they say that a lot of women aren’t looking for relationships or that they want to hit sex first and the guys who are not down for that don’t like being duped either. 

Maybe in other areas people are more likely to lie and say they are ready for relationships when they really just want sex. It’s very liberal here so maybe it is more acceptable to just be honest for the ones who just want to hookup. There’s no shame in it, we just don’t want to be lied to about it.


----------



## 269370

minimalME said:


> The attitude was mainly: (1) how much of my **** are you willing to put up with, and (2) how long are you going to make me wait for sex.



This is horrible. What about joining some kind of hobby clubs (cooking classes, dancing or something), go travel or meet people in work place?
I don’t think the algorithms are sophisticated enough to match people up well; eventually AI will be able to match people up better than people themselves but not yet.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila

minimalME said:


> I'm not.
> 
> The adjective is consistently 'cute'.
> 
> I think there are always people more or less attractive, but as a 52 year old woman (who refuses to dye the gray hair), I can confidently say that in terms of my peer group, I'm okay.
> 
> When I went to my daughters college graduation in May, she even commented on the difference between how I look verses how her friend's moms look.
> 
> But the main point for me is that I ended up feeling like an escort service. The last two years of dating, I wasn't meeting anyone who was genuinely interested in knowing me as a person.
> 
> *The attitude was mainly: (1) how much of my **** are you willing to put up with, and (2) how long are you going to make me wait for sex*.


Was this attitude prevalent across the board with men of all ages or was it specific to a specific age group?


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## minimalME

I was dating within a 48 to 62 age range, with most of my dates being mid-50s. 



Lila said:


> Was this attitude prevalent across the board with men of all ages or was it specific to a specific age group?


----------



## minimalME

I look through meetup.com occasionally, but haven't really found groups that appeal to me. 

I tried the introvert group once. No one showed up. 



InMyPrime said:


> This is horrible. What about joining some kind of hobby clubs (cooking classes, dancing or something), go travel or meet people in work place?


----------



## Faithful Wife

I have a little update but it’s nothing yet...just a lead, so to speak.

A good friend of mine works with a guy she could see was someone I would probably be interested in. She started talking to us about each other and showed us some pics of each other. He seemed cute and said he was interested also, so based on her knowing me so well I said she could give him my number. We have been texting and will meet on Tuesday, we would have met up this weekend but he has his kids.

The kids are pre teens, which is a little bit young for me but he does at least have every other weekend free, and he lives within 10 minutes from me so we can easily get more time together if we were dating than I can with most people (most don’t live that close).

In texting with him, we are seeing why our mutual friend set us up, there is a lot in common and a lot of mutual attraction and interest. I can’t wait to meet him! But of course we both have also expressed, gee I hope we don’t meet and find there isn’t any chemistry. Just in case there isn’t. Don’t want to get hopes up too high because then it’s a let down. But we agreed even if there isn’t, we would still be happy to meet because we will probably still feel like this could be a cool friend. 

So fingers crossed! And this is literally the first NON online first date I have had since I met my exh which was 15 years ago. It’s cool because it feels like my friend has already done a pre interview for us, like a match maker.


----------



## Lila

minimalME said:


> I was dating within a 48 to 62 age range, with most of my dates being mid-50s.


That's interesting. My dating range is 35 - 53. Haven't had that issue but have had a helluva time finding men in my age range without young children (<10). I seem to attract the 50 year olds with itty bitty kids. They either got married and started their families later in life OR they were in long term marriages, raised their kids, got divorced in their 40s, found younger/ hotter, got married, had another set of kids, and are now divorced again. The latter is VERY common and I'm not interested.


----------



## minimalME

Yes! I experienced the bolded also. And I too have no interest in raising children again.



Lila said:


> That's interesting. My dating range is 35 - 53. Haven't had that issue but have had a helluva time finding men in my age range without young children (<10). *I seem to attract the 50 year olds with itty bitty kids.* They either got married and started their families later in life OR they were in long term marriages, raised their kids, *got divorced in their 40s, found younger/ hotter, got married, had another set of kids, and are now divorced again.* The latter is VERY common and I'm not interested.


----------



## honcho

Lila said:


> Update to my experimentation:
> 
> I shut my match account down again. I am done with online dating. It's one thing to get rejected by attractive men who have their **** together. It's another to get rejected by a bunch of average to less than average looking guys with more issues than tissues. I know I sound bitter but damn, online dating is not good for self confidence. From everything I've heard and experienced, the women are all looking for Christian Grey and men are looking for silicon barbie dolls with the kindness of Mother Teresa and the sex drive/boundaries of a swinger porn star.:laugh: I exaggerate but you get the drift.


Mother Teresa kindness isn't a hard boundary for most of us >

Overall I don't think old is good for self confidence long term. When I played around with it, I'd see someone that sparked an interest and I'd usually think OK she's probably outta my league, she's got 50 other guys sending her inquiries so even if I come up with something to say that sticks out it probably wont. Then you've got the whole crop of you'd never date in a million years. 

You've either got brand new users who love the sudden attention or seasoned vet's who are still on because they are either game players or refuse to look at there issues and can't land anyone. 

You talked about guys with young kids in a different post, I used to get "rejected" because I didn't have any and I'd never understand and all I kept thinking is your 50, your kid is 30......he's not a kid.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Faithful Wife said:


> I have a little update but it’s nothing yet...just a lead, so to speak.
> 
> A good friend of mine works with a guy she could see was someone I would probably be interested in. She started talking to us about each other and showed us some pics of each other. He seemed cute and said he was interested also, so based on her knowing me so well I said she could give him my number. We have been texting and will meet on Tuesday, we would have met up this weekend but he has his kids.
> 
> The kids are pre teens, which is a little bit young for me but he does at least have every other weekend free, and he lives within 10 minutes from me so we can easily get more time together if we were dating than I can with most people (most don’t live that close).
> 
> In texting with him, we are seeing why our mutual friend set us up, there is a lot in common and a lot of mutual attraction and interest. I can’t wait to meet him! But of course we both have also expressed, gee I hope we don’t meet and find there isn’t any chemistry. Just in case there isn’t. Don’t want to get hopes up too high because then it’s a let down. But we agreed even if there isn’t, we would still be happy to meet because we will probably still feel like this could be a cool friend.
> 
> So fingers crossed! And this is literally the first NON online first date I have had since I met my exh which was 15 years ago. It’s cool because it feels like my friend has already done a pre interview for us, like a match maker.


Faith,

May I ask what kind of place you are meeting? Like for coffee, dinner, a drink or where? What are your goals, to talk, to dance, or something else. I am not asking about sex. I just... well, I know I am going to want to ask someone out soon, and I wondered. Is it best to text like that first for a while or is it good to just meet in public for coffee or something like that? I kind of like the in person stuff because I want to see her reactions and that's not possible through text. 

As a woman, would that be too forward or... crap, I'm a babe in the woods. Just asking stupid questions. Sorry.


----------



## Faithful Wife

2ntnuf said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have a little update but it’s nothing yet...just a lead, so to speak.
> 
> A good friend of mine works with a guy she could see was someone I would probably be interested in. She started talking to us about each other and showed us some pics of each other. He seemed cute and said he was interested also, so based on her knowing me so well I said she could give him my number. We have been texting and will meet on Tuesday, we would have met up this weekend but he has his kids.
> 
> The kids are pre teens, which is a little bit young for me but he does at least have every other weekend free, and he lives within 10 minutes from me so we can easily get more time together if we were dating than I can with most people (most don’t live that close).
> 
> In texting with him, we are seeing why our mutual friend set us up, there is a lot in common and a lot of mutual attraction and interest. I can’t wait to meet him! But of course we both have also expressed, gee I hope we don’t meet and find there isn’t any chemistry. Just in case there isn’t. Don’t want to get hopes up too high because then it’s a let down. But we agreed even if there isn’t, we would still be happy to meet because we will probably still feel like this could be a cool friend.
> 
> So fingers crossed! And this is literally the first NON online first date I have had since I met my exh which was 15 years ago. It’s cool because it feels like my friend has already done a pre interview for us, like a match maker.
> 
> 
> 
> Faith,
> 
> May I ask what kind of place you are meeting? Like for coffee, dinner, a drink or where? What are your goals, to talk, to dance, or something else. I am not asking about sex. I just... well, I know I am going to want to ask someone out soon, and I wondered. Is it best to text like that first for a while or is it good to just meet in public for coffee or something like that? I kind of like the in person stuff because I want to see her reactions and that's not possible through text.
> 
> As a woman, would that be too forward or... crap, I'm a babe in the woods. Just asking stupid questions. Sorry.
Click to expand...

I like it when a guy wants to meet early and not just text forever. But I do like to text a bit before agreeing to meet because I can weed them out based on things they say if necessary, and therefore not waste the time of meeting them in person at all if we aren’t a match.

It does show me that the guy is truly interested if he wants to meet soon, though and that is a good thing.

This new guy and I are meeting at a brewery, but that’s basically because where I live breweries are like Starbucks, there’s one on every corner. It is casual and has an easy going atmosphere. That is always less pressure than meeting for a formal dinner date.

However, if the guy knew me in person rather than from online dating (or in this case, a set up by friends) and if he wanted the first date to be a formal dinner I would be happy to do that. Because we at least have seen each other in person and therefore know we are likely to at least have a good time on a dinner date.

So how do you know her? If you have already met in person, I would lead with a dinner date if I was you. Some texts first will be good to make sure she is also interested. If she is, a nice but quiet dinner place would be great. For me the first date is all about getting to know each other and decide if a second date is possible. So I like a quieter place where we can really hear each other well and there’s not a lot of distractions. 

So example, Fogo de Chao is great food but you’ll be interrupted constantly by the servers. Not great for a first date, for me. (Also I would eat too much, lol).


----------



## Elizabeth001

I’ve been texting/talking with a fish and we seem to hit it off but he’s really been delaying the meet up even though he lives a half mile from me. 

He has a 16 year old which worries me a bit. 

Supposed to get together for a dog walk tomorrow but I have to work so that will totally be dependent on my work load and what time I get off. 

I don’t get excited anymore until the actual meet up. In person chemistry is everything and I’ve met so many losers from OLD. 

We shall see but I’m not feeling very confident about it. 


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----------



## 2ntnuf

Faithful Wife said:


> I like it when a guy wants to meet early and not just text forever. But I do like to text a bit before agreeing to meet because I can weed them out based on things they say if necessary, and therefore not waste the time of meeting them in person at all if we aren’t a match.
> 
> It does show me that the guy is truly interested if he wants to meet soon, though and that is a good thing.
> 
> This new guy and I are meeting at a brewery, but that’s basically because where I live breweries are like Starbucks, there’s one on every corner. It is casual and has an easy going atmosphere. That is always less pressure than meeting for a formal dinner date.
> 
> However, if the guy knew me in person rather than from online dating (or in this case, a set up by friends) and if he wanted the first date to be a formal dinner I would be happy to do that. Because we at least have seen each other in person and therefore know we are likely to at least have a good time on a dinner date.
> 
> So how do you know her? If you have already met in person, I would lead with a dinner date if I was you. Some texts first will be good to make sure she is also interested. If she is, a nice but quiet dinner place would be great. For me the first date is all about getting to know each other and decide if a second date is possible. So I like a quieter place where we can really hear each other well and there’s not a lot of distractions.
> 
> So example, Fogo de Chao is great food but you’ll be interrupted constantly by the servers. Not great for a first date, for me. (Also I would eat too much, lol).


Met her while I was out having an adult beverage. She seems nice, but reserved. I get it, though. She doesn't know me from Adam. So, I think I will ask for a meetup for lunch. Nothing formal, I'm not going to try to impress her with money. I can't any way. It's more important to talk and see if we like each other I need to get a list of places around here that I'd like to see. Then, I can figure out where to ask her to meet. 

I'm so out of touch, it's a shame. It's late in life, too. I'm not expecting much. I just want to live a little. For me to see marriage, I'd need the Hubble telescope. I don't think it's in my future. Make sense? I'm not really lookin for anything. Friendship would be great. If something more happens, yay, but I'm okay without anything serious.

Edit: And, thank you. You understood.


----------



## lovelygirl

Faithful Wife said:


> I like it when a guy wants to meet early and not just text forever. But I do like to text a bit before agreeing to meet because I can weed them out based on things they say if necessary, and therefore not waste the time of meeting them in person at all if we aren’t a match.
> 
> It does show me that the guy is truly interested if he wants to meet soon, though and that is a good thing.


As if I was the one to write this!
Totally me and my perception.

Forever-texting shows lazyness and effortlessness. 

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001

lovelygirl said:


> As if I was the one to write this!
> Totally me and my perception.
> 
> Forever-texting shows lazyness and effortlessness.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk




I think these guys THOUGHT they were ready for a relationship but when they actually come across a legitimate possibility, they get cold feet. Either that or they have strewn their profiles with BS pictures or untruths and know that once they meet you, you’re going to find out. In the ladder scenario, I think they think they can charm you enough so that you will overlook the lies when you meet. NOT!


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## Lila

PSA:. When sexting, double check the recipient name before pressing send. 

Messaging back and forth yesterday with someone I met on match before shutting it down. I wasn't really feeling it with him (he said a few things that made my sixth sense tingle) but thought "don't be so paranoid". We say our good nights and then about 30 minutes later I receive a series (more than 1) of sext messages that were obviously not intended for me....... and it was bad (not the naughty good kind but just plain stupid bad). 

First I laughed. Then I actually read his crap and thought "a higher power is watching over me". Suffice it to say, I couldn't make this **** up if I tried but am glad that it happened. Helped me cut bait without feeling guilty.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> PSA:. When sexting, double check the recipient name before pressing send.
> 
> Messaging back and forth yesterday with someone I met on match before shutting it down. I wasn't really feeling it with him (he said a few things that made my sixth sense tingle) but thought "don't be so paranoid". We say our good nights and then about 30 minutes later I receive a series (more than 1) of sext messages that were obviously not intended for me....... and it was bad (not the naughty good kind but just plain stupid bad).
> 
> First I laughed. Then I actually read his crap and thought "a higher power is watching over me". Suffice it to say, I couldn't make this **** up if I tried but am glad that it happened. Helped me cut bait without feeling guilty.


Ewwwwwww!!! Yes thank you God for having Lila’s back. Yuck!

One of my ex boyfriends did this all the time, but it was messages he meant to send to me and would accidentally send it to a friend or co worker he was also texting with. So for instance, he was texting with a male real estate agent about a house they were going to meet at, and accidentally sent the guy one meant for me that said “I miss you so much baby”.

He didn’t know he sent it to the guy until the guy responded (obviously knowing this was a mistake) and said “oh I didn’t know you cared so much!” That was hysterical.

But what you are describing....oh yucko!


----------



## Faithful Wife

My update....I get to meet the guy my friend set me up with today because he has a few hours while his kids are at a birthday party. Whee! I’m glad I don’t have to wait until next week because I’m super stoked to meet him. It will be sad if there’s no chemistry...but I have a good feeling about him so far. 

Fingers crossed!


----------



## AVR1962

Faithful Wife said:


> Gosh you guys....where do you live?? I’m so sad reading your stories. I had to wonder if online apps attract different people in different areas. There are plenty of decent men where I’m at. We aren’t always going to match but at least I see their profiles and talk to enough of them to know they are decent and just looking for a happy relationship.
> 
> Or maybe it’s because the ones who are just looking for something casual are more free to openly say that and therefore remove themselves from the pool who does want a relationship.
> 
> Around here a lot of guys start out their profile with “not looking for hookups” and when I talk to those guys, they say that a lot of women aren’t looking for relationships or that they want to hit sex first and the guys who are not down for that don’t like being duped either.
> 
> Maybe in other areas people are more likely to lie and say they are ready for relationships when they really just want sex. It’s very liberal here so maybe it is more acceptable to just be honest for the ones who just want to hookup. There’s no shame in it, we just don’t want to be lied to about it.


I have had several men tell me right upfront that they are looking for marriage but it is usually these men that I don't want to see again. I had one man tell me on the first date that he turned down other women to date me. It is not so much the pressure but lack of connection with these men for me. I am a busy person with a hectic schedule and my free time with someone special I like to get out and do things. I also need conversation and touching and that seems to be what I am lacking from these men. They push the physical without spending time to get to know me, or we become buddies and do lots together and enjoy our time with each other but then we cannot hurdle the closer thing. I have had several tell me they really enjoy my company but it feels to me like they only want to be so close, like they are waving me in and at the same time putting their stop hand out. So I pretty much just let them make contact and have not been trying beyond that.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Faithful Wife said:


> My update....I get to meet the guy my friend set me up with today because he has a few hours while his kids are at a birthday party. Whee! I’m glad I don’t have to wait until next week because I’m super stoked to meet him. It will be sad if there’s no chemistry...but I have a good feeling about him so far.
> 
> Fingers crossed!


Date went great! Seeing him again Tuesday. I might have a new boyfriend. :grin2:


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> Date went great! Seeing him again Tuesday. I might have a new boyfriend. :grin2:


Yeay!!!! This is exciting news. What was he like in person?


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Date went great! Seeing him again Tuesday. I might have a new boyfriend. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>
> 
> 
> 
> Yeay!!!! This is exciting news. What was he like in person?
Click to expand...

He is a tall silver fox. He is younger than me but I don’t think he even knows how old I am and he didn’t ask (my friend told me his age).

He is mellow but we had a good vibe/chemistry.

We talked about how awesome it is to be set up by someone rather than taking a chance on the apps.

He sounds like a devoted dad which is attractive to me. I don’t think I could date a dad if he didn’t seem like a good one, that would turn me off.

We both have plenty of free time and live close to each other so we talked about how awesome that is, versus dating someone who lives 30 or more minutes away.

He walked me to my car and slung his arm around my waist on the way, then kissed just a bit at my car and some hugs.

Then texted afterwards saying how great it was to meet and that this has great potential.

Wheeee!!!


----------



## Elizabeth001

Dang FW...we were 2 for 2 girl! My meetup went incredibly well too! Much better than I was expecting. This might be the year that Lizzy finally lands a boyfriend! WHAAAATTTT? 

I hadn’t paid much attention to his height but he is 6’2” and very handsome. WHAAAATTTT? 

Seems honest and is a gentleman, but not in an over-the-top way. I suggested a drink on the dog-friendly patio at the pub and he had left his wallet in the car. I said I had mine in the doggy bag and that he could treat next time. I know he didn’t really want to have me pay but he was very gracious about it and I have no doubt that margaritas will be on him next and sometime soon! He totally handled it perfectly. 

So we spent about 3 hours out with the dogs. He has a young goofy hound and we hit it off well once my dogs would allow me to pet him. lol (the dog...hahaaa)

He went to shake my hand when we parted but I gave him a hug and told him later that I hope I wasn’t too forward. I don’t think he minded )

A successful meetup but I’m still going to remain calm until we get to know each other better. 

Cheers!
 




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## Faithful Wife

:toast:
@Elizabeth001 right on, sister!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Got to see my new guy tonight. He had originally had plans tonight but they fell through so he asked if I could see him tonight. I was auto yes on that.

We had a great time at a brewery, had 2 beers/ciders, some awesome Hawaiian food, then went strolling through a park.

Sat on a park bench and made out for an hour. Squeeeee! Total heaven.

We went back to my car and gazed into each other’s eyes and said mushy (and sexual) things to each other for another half an hour. 

We still had our Tuesday date already planned so we talked about it and decided I’m just going over to his place and mostly we will ravage each other.

3 date rule, 3 dates in 3 days.....ha ha! Fastest 3 dates ever for me!

I don’t actually have that rule but we joked about it.

When you finally feel that mad chemistry it’s like a torture to not get each other naked and throw yourself into it.

He’s also funny, cute, mature, mellow (except sexually), smart, fun, and hip. His clothes are awesome (seems hard to find a guy who has a sense of style sometimes). He’s athletic, played football, basketball and baseball. Now golfs and other manly athletic hobbies, fishing, rafting, etc. Those are a huge turn on to me. I’m not into sports but hella into athletes.

I’m smitten and he is too. We declared exclusivity and now can move forward to sex. I deleted all my dating apps last night. 

My usual meter about if they will be good in bed for me has been tipped. That make out in the park was ahhhhmazing.

I’m calling it. I have a boyfriend. Squeeeee!


----------



## Not

So glad to read the good news for you ladies in this thread! 

B kept contacting me, like he’s obsessed. I finally lost it with him and told him to stay away, in a not so lady like manner. F bombs were flying. That’s when he decided to announce he had been seeing someone for quite awhile. Ok, why are you still texting me and visiting plenty of fish multiple times a day every day? She’s one lucky girl, SMH. If it’s true, I truly feel for her because she’s a rebound, so messed up. I didn’t respond. 

I took my OLD account out of hiding. I was so hoping I was done with OLD! This sucks lol! Over 350 messages in two weeks and I responded to three and sent one message out myself. This is sooo bad. I’m back to hidden status. I did go on one date but there was no interest in seeing him again. I am talking to another guy but he works so much he doesn’t have a lot of time. He’s interested but he’s also preparing for retirement and is crazy busy. I think I’ll stick this out and just see what happens, not going to get excited or have no expectations, just stay neutral until we meet. He’s the only one on POF I was interested in.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Faithful Wife said:


> Got to see my new guy tonight. He had originally had plans tonight but they fell through so he asked if I could see him tonight. I was auto yes on that.
> 
> We had a great time at a brewery, had 2 beers/ciders, some awesome Hawaiian food, then went strolling through a park.
> 
> Sat on a park bench and made out for an hour. Squeeeee! Total heaven.
> 
> We went back to my car and gazed into each other’s eyes and said mushy (and sexual) things to each other for another half an hour.
> 
> We still had our Tuesday date already planned so we talked about it and decided I’m just going over to his place and mostly we will ravage each other.
> 
> 3 date rule, 3 dates in 3 days.....ha ha! Fastest 3 dates ever for me!
> 
> I don’t actually have that rule but we joked about it.
> 
> When you finally feel that mad chemistry it’s like a torture to not get each other naked and throw yourself into it.
> 
> He’s also funny, cute, mature, mellow (except sexually), smart, fun, and hip. His clothes are awesome (seems hard to find a guy who has a sense of style sometimes). He’s athletic, played football, basketball and baseball. Now golfs and other manly athletic hobbies, fishing, rafting, etc. Those are a huge turn on to me. I’m not into sports but hella into athletes.
> 
> I’m smitten and he is too. We declared exclusivity and now can move forward to sex. I deleted all my dating apps last night.
> 
> My usual meter about if they will be good in bed for me has been tipped. That make out in the park was ahhhhmazing.
> 
> I’m calling it. I have a boyfriend. Squeeeee!




WOW!

Although not quite as speedy as you, this thing I stumbled across is moving along nicely as well. Trying my best to not get excited but he is ringing all of my bells! lol 

More details at a later date...perhaps on the singles thread. 


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----------



## Lila

Question for the online daters... 

I saw this question posed on another forum and want to see TAMers opinion.

Do you think someone with mental or physical disabilities should disclose those on a profile?


----------



## FeministInPink

Lila said:


> Question for the online daters...
> 
> I saw this question posed on another forum and want to see TAMers opinion.
> 
> Do you think someone with mental or physical disabilities should disclose those on a profile?


I think it's a good idea to disclose this info. Sure, it means that a lot of people will "swipe left" before they've given you a chance... but it's saving time, because those are the people who will bail as soon as they find out anyway. Better not to waste time on those people.

From the opposite side, I would want to know up front, just so I know what I'm dealing with. For example, if someone is on the spectrum, I want to know that so I know what to expect-- and so I can make allowances when necessary. 

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## Elizabeth001

Doubt it would happen. Hell...most can’t even be honest about height or weight. 


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----------



## minimalME

Just writing the same thing! 



Elizabeth001 said:


> Doubt it would happen. Hell...most can’t even be honest about height or weight.



Ideally, folks would be upfront and honest in every way. 

Unfortunately, what we've created/accepted is a system that says lying about such basics as height and weight is normal and to be expected. 

Right now, standards are super low. 

Behaviors such as ghosting, standing people up, breaking up through text are seen as common, and as far as I can tell they aren't discouraged.

People are doing what's easy and comfortable _for them_.

So, expecting openness and vulnerability about the deeper issues they feel even more insecure about? Good luck.

Personally, I'd prefer the lists that @Faithful Wife referred to. I really like radical honesty. It's just easier.




Lila said:


> Question for the online daters...
> 
> I saw this question posed on another forum and want to see TAMers opinion.
> 
> Do you think someone with mental or physical disabilities should disclose those on a profile?


----------



## Lila

FeministInPink said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> Question for the online daters...
> 
> I saw this question posed on another forum and want to see TAMers opinion.
> 
> Do you think someone with mental or physical disabilities should disclose those on a profile?
> 
> 
> 
> I think it's a good idea to disclose this info. Sure, it means that a lot of people will "swipe left" before they've given you a chance... but it's saving time, because those are the people who will bail as soon as they find out anyway. Better not to waste time on those people.
> 
> From the opposite side, I would want to know up front, just so I know what I'm dealing with. For example, if someone is on the spectrum, I want to know that so I know what to expect-- and so I can make allowances when necessary.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

I think it's a good idea to disclose as well for the reasons you noted. On the forum where the question was posed, most people were advocating for keeping that information out of profiles. They felt that putting the information out there would make people think they were defining themselves by their disability. I'm like no, it's letting people who don't want to date those with disabilities avoid wasting your and their time.


----------



## Lila

Elizabeth001 said:


> Doubt it would happen. Hell...most can’t even be honest about height or weight.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





minimalME said:


> Just writing the same thing! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>
> 
> 
> 
> Elizabeth001 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Doubt it would happen. Hell...most can’t even be honest about height or weight.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ideally, folks would be upfront and honest in every way.
> 
> Unfortunately, what we've created/accepted is a system that says lying about such basics as height and weight is normal and to be expected.
> 
> Right now, standards are super low.
> 
> Behaviors such as ghosting, standing people up, breaking up through text are seen as common, and as far as I can tell they aren't discouraged.
> 
> People are doing what's easy and comfortable _for them_.
> 
> So, expecting openness and vulnerability about the deeper issues they feel even more insecure about? Good luck.
> 
> Personally, I'd prefer the lists that @Faithful Wife referred to. I really like radical honesty. It's just easier.
Click to expand...

I agree with you both but then the question becomes, what information do we disclose? This is just a rhetorical question but should people disclose chronic illnesses that may impact their compatibility with someone? Should they disclose physical limitations even if it's not a formal disability? What about things like ADHD or sleep apnea?


----------



## minimalME

I think this is why people wait.

If you're only going to meet someone once (which is the majority of dates), then it seems like a lot of unnecessary information.

If I were still dating, I'd probably not put asperger's on my profile, because dealing with ignorant questions and statements gets so, very old.

But it all depends on what you're looking for and the type of timeline you're operating under.

As a seemingly benign example - many people kiss right away, yet you can contract HSV 1 from kissing a person with an active infection (often unseen). 

How many people are going to volunteer that information? How many will ask? How many people know their STI/STD status? How many people get tested together - or get tested in general?

People are way too comfortable being physcially intimate with folks they don't know, yet I'd imagine these sorts of conversations rarely happen before a first kiss.




Lila said:


> I agree with you both but then the question becomes, what information do we disclose? This is just a rhetorical question but should people disclose chronic illnesses that may impact their compatibility with someone? Should they disclose physical limitations even if it's not a formal disability? What about things like ADHD or sleep apnea?


----------



## Elizabeth001

minimalME said:


> I think this is why people wait.
> 
> If you're only going to meet someone once (which is the majority of dates), then it seems like a lot of unnecessary information.
> 
> If I were still dating, I'd probably not put asperger's on my profile, because dealing with ignorant questions and statements gets so, very old.
> 
> But it all depends on what you're looking for and the type of timeline you're operating under.
> 
> As a seemingly benign example - many people kiss right away, yet you can contract HSV 1 from kissing a person with an active infection (often unseen).
> 
> How many people are going to volunteer that information? How many will ask? How many people know their STI/STD status? How many people get tested together - or get tested in general?
> 
> People are way too comfortable being physcially intimate with folks they don't know, yet I'd imagine these sort of conversations rarely happen before a first kiss.




Yep...I don’t disclose my herps unless things progress to a point of possibly sleeping together. When I first meet someone, the likelihood of that happening is slim so it really is none of their business at that point. Plus, I wouldn’t care for the idea of men judging me on that basis alone before they get to know me. It’s something that I’ve had for many years and doesn’t really affect my day to day life. FWIW...on the occasions it has come up, it has only made a difference to one man who had a recent kidney transplant and needed to avoid any risks whatsoever. That was fine with me as I did not realize what was involved with post-transplant life. He was still very kind though. 

OTOH, I fell pretty hard for a fellow who turned out to be ADHD but I think there was more going on with him. He seemed normal and just a wonderful guy in general until one of his meltdowns. I like weed but he smoked it constantly self-medicating and I didn’t care for that. I couldn’t handle his meltdowns and had to call it off. I still think of him all the time and still wish there was a way it could have worked out. Not sure if being told beforehand would have changed anything as I have never experienced being around someone like that. 


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## minimalME

Elizabeth001 said:


> I wouldn’t care for the idea of men judging me on that basis alone before they get to know me.


----------



## Laurentium

minimalME said:


>


Is it just me, or does that look like two people touching their tongues together?


----------



## minimalME

Well, maybe. But my intention was a high five. :rofl:



Laurentium said:


> Is it just me, or does that look like two people touching their tongues together?


----------



## Elizabeth001

Laurentium said:


> Is it just me, or does that look like two people touching their tongues together?




I’m good either way...it’s the thought that counts 


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## Wolf1974

Lila said:


> Question for the online daters...
> 
> I saw this question posed on another forum and want to see TAMers opinion.
> 
> Do you think someone with mental or physical disabilities should disclose those on a profile?


Yes if they want to avoid wasting time. Example I am an avid hiker and it’s a big part of my life. Dating someone who couldn’t physically do this with me would be a deal breaker. So I say try and be as upfront as possible.


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## Not

Lila said:


> Question for the online daters...
> 
> I saw this question posed on another forum and want to see TAMers opinion.
> 
> Do you think someone with mental or physical disabilities should disclose those on a profile?


I have experience with this situation. I went on a date with someone who had become paralyzed from the chest down, spinal aneurysm, in 2012. He went to Canada for stem cell treatment and is walking again but it took three years for him to get there.

He didn’t mention it on his profile but did mention it during our first day of texting conversation and continued to mention it up until the day we met for dinner. He never tried to hide it. Being upfront with something like that is absolutely necessary imo. The one thing that did bother me was that his pictures were done in a way to disguise his disability but at the same time I can understand someone not wanting to be judged without having a chance to get their personality “out there” first.

He walks but not very well and it takes a lot of effort. The guy is amazing with all he’s been through. With that said, I could not be partners with someone in that condition. His condition is tenuous and I didn’t know and wasn’t going to ask about his sexual abilities. He doesn’t leave his house much and works from home. I want something different.


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