# Here I am again - Not new to this



## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

You can probably look up my previous stories on here somewhere, but long story short, several years ago I was on here because my wife left me and it turned out that she was having an affair with her boss at work. I handled that situation entirely wrong, and ended up separated for a year. I had moved on, was doing well, and this apparently attracted her. We ended up reconciling. Fast forward to April 2014 and history was repeating itself with another man. She was exhibiting the same behaviors - withdrawn, uninterested, etc. This time I went full PI mode with some help from some folks on here. I got the evidence I needed, confronted with divorce papers, and went full 180. She pulled the classic rage reaction, telling me she hates me, etc., etc. After a couple weeks of her acting like this, when it was time to sit down to discuss separation terms, she broke down completely and for the first time in years I had seen real remorse in her. Over the next several days she revealed a lot, was transparent, acknowledged that she has issues that stem from her mother. I was encouraged by this and agreed to hold off on divorce while she received counseling. I think I gave in a bit too easily here. Sure, I had terms that she had to meet, but over the next couple months that faded. Life just settled back to where it was before the affair. Things were very good. We both felt very good about the marriage, and were both grateful for another chance. That is, until recently.

Over the last couple months she has withdrawn again. She's had no interest in intimacy with me, and in general didn't seem to be very interested in me or what's happening in my life. I would barely get a "how was your day?" from her. I don't need to get into the details here. You all know exactly what I'm talking about. I approached her quickly with my feelings, expressing that this is suspicious considering our past. I was reassured over and over again that she was just not in a great mood and that truly everything was fine. This situation led to routine arguments because I could not tolerate her lack of interest in me. This continued to escalate quickly to a miserable existence. I avoided going into PI mode for a while, but decided that my gut instinct was too strong. I ended up getting evidence that she has been pursuing our next door neighbor. 

Something never felt right about he and her to me. I knew they were friendly with each other, and there had been texts here and there over the last 6-7 months, but I noticed that whenever I was around they didn't really act like they knew each other well. Several months ago I confronted my wife with records of text messages that she exchanged with him late at night one night when she was out with a friend. This was earlier this summer, before any of her behavior had changed. I told her that was absolutely unacceptable, and she assured me that he was having problems with his girlfriend and they sometimes talked about that. I actually left our house for the night because I was so pissed off, and the story didn't add up. We had another heart to heart about this and she acknowledged that she shouldn't be texting any other men, especially since we were still in R from her previous affair. Because her behavior toward me was still good, and our relationship was going well I let it fade and things were fine. 

So over the past week or so I have been in PI mode and discovered that she is communicating with this guy all the time via Snapchat and other methods, and that she is also sneaking over there for visits when I'm traveling on business and the kids are in bed (how convenient that your affair partner lives next door). From the evidence I have it is clear that she has feelings for this guy, but he does not necessarily share the same strong feelings for her. It is unclear from what I have whether they have been full on physical yet, but I am assuming yes. But this truly doesn't make a difference to me. The fact that we are already in R, means that any dishonestly and/or feelings for another man are deal breakers, whether they slept together or not. 

I confronted a few days ago. I left work because I was too emotional, and went into the house while she was bringing our youngest to preschool to pack up some clothes and I left. She came home, noticed I had packed some things up, and started texting and calling. I ignored for most of the day, but ended up going back there to confront. She denied, acted hateful, angry. Again, you all know the deal here. She started throwing my clothes out of the house and said she wanted a divorce. She was extremely pissed that I had spied on her. Typical backwards logic of a cheater. I left that night and spent 3 nights at a hotel and friend's house. I spent last night there to be with my kids (while she was out of course), and now I am away on business for the rest of the week. I know what needs to happen here. I guess I'm just looking for advice and support on how to stay strong. As angry and hurt as I am, and as clear as it is that this woman will never change, I can't help but be hesitant to completely end it (because I do love most things about her, and I love my 3 little girls).

Here is the interesting part of this. She has become very close friends with a neighborhood woman over the last few months. The two of them have been going out a lot this Summer, staying out late. I didn't like this much because I wished she wanted to be with me more, but didn't think it was that big of a deal. Well it turns out that this woman is messing around too. Her and my wife are hooking up with random guys when they go out. These two women have been encouraging each other, probably because it is a great way for each to rationalize their own issues. So here is the question: Do I expose this other woman's behavior to her husband? What are the pros/cons of doing this?

Let me have it for being too easy on her after her previous affairs. This situation is very f'ed up. I know this relationship must end, and that is what I am pursuing. I wish I could make it easy, but I obviously love her and hate the idea of not living with my kids. Just need to fight off the emotions, and have a plan for if/when she realizes that she f'ed up badly (again).


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

And FYI because I know you'll ask. I am searching for a counselor to start working on why I have been so weak over this woman. In all other aspects of life I am quite strong.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Did your wife ever get her head examined to see what is broken?

She is a serial skank.

Don't leave your home. Proceed with divorce and don't look back.

I probably wouldn't focus on her friend.

Rain destruction on your pathetic excuse for a wife and get rid of her for good this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She was not and is not marriage material. Sorry it took so long for you to see it. Your story makes me sympathetic but no, there are no shocks or surprises here. 

I think you've learned that the first time you let her go, you were on the right path,but you let her back in because you had hope. Unfortunately all that taught her is that you'll forgive her bad behavior if she appears sorry enough. She wasn't sorry, you just turned out to be the best meal ticket so she wouldn't be on her own. 

Now I hope you've learned that the best way to help her was to let her go and show her through actions that you'd be fine if you never saw her or spoke to her again. Better to do it now than never, even if you have to lose a pound of flesh in the process.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You love, but she clearly does not love you. You have tried and see the fruits of your labor... in your case- the fruit is rotten. She won't change. She's a serial cheater. Either accept that you are in a one way open marriage and she'll be banging the next stiff Johnson she can find or act and move on with a divorce.

In the mean time
Get tested for STDs.
See a lawyer.
Protect your assets 
do a 180 and this time do it for you.
If your neighbor has a SO, let her know.

You absolutely let your wife's toxic friends husband know. He deserves to know that his health is being put at risk and that his marriage is a sham.


Be the best example you can be of your girls- get a paternity test and see if they really are yours... this is cheap, painless, private and easy to do.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

And- should you fall for her false reconcilliation BS again- you can come back and let us know that here you are again and again. Break the cycle- your marriage is broken and dead.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Missed the part about random guys with her friend.

The husband should know to protect himself.

These women are truly rotten.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

workindad said:


> You love, but she clearly does not love you. You have tried and see the fruits of your labor... in your case- the fruit is rotten. She won't change. She's a serial cheater. Either accept that you are in a one way open marriage and she'll be banging the next stiff Johnson she can find or act and move on with a divorce.
> 
> In the mean time
> Get tested for STDs.
> ...



:iagree:

Ugh, get away from this skank as fast as possible and get into counseling to figure out why you put up with this crap! 

What does she have to do for you to actually lay down some real consequences? Just file for divorce! Why is "confronting" after multiple affairs even needed?


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Did your wife ever get her head examined to see what is broken?
> 
> She is a serial skank.
> 
> ...



Yes, she started seeing a psychiatrist after the affair last April. Seemed to be making good progress for a while. She still sees him, but I believe that she twists her conversations with him to turn them into more justification for her behavior. Kind of like "oh good, I'm not the only person in the world doing this, so it's not that abnormal". She is very, very broken. It is sad to see.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> workindad said:
> 
> 
> > You love, but she clearly does not love you. You have tried and see the fruits of your labor... in your case- the fruit is rotten. She won't change. She's a serial cheater. Either accept that you are in a one way open marriage and she'll be banging the next stiff Johnson she can find or act and move on with a divorce.
> ...



I know! That is why I'm here and why I need counseling. She has had a very strong power over me. I can't point to anything about my upbringing that would make me that way.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I do not know what I could possible say that your wife has not already screamed out at you, multiple times. SHE WILL NOT CHANGE! This has now been proven and the evidence is insurmountable. The only remaining factor is how much you can take and that appears to be voluminous. I do deeply appreciate you wanting to be with your girls and to give them a stable family but you are trying to do that alone, your wife could not care less about their familial situation.

You must begin to think of them in all of this. What will you do if your wife gives you a deadly viral present from one of these random hookups? What will your girls do? You must consider what is best for them since your wife cannot, she is severely broken. This will be painful for you because you care deeply for her but you must look at the bigger picture and what is best overall.

You must detach and focus on your future. Do you not believe that you deserve a woman who feels for you the way you do for her? She is out there waiting to be found but you are too busy trying to save a relationship that your wife does not want. Your daughters need a female role model that they can respect and look up to and emulate. Do you want them to emulate your wife?? As hard as this is you must start thinking logically and rationally. Your emotions are making you vulnerable to your wife's beguiling ways and it is dangerous for you and your daughters. You are their only responsible parent, you need to act as such. I wish you strength and good fortune.


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

PLEASE GET YOUR GIRLS AWAY FROM HER!

If she says her issues are from her mother, why wouldn't you think your sweet baby girls aren't going to pick this behavior up?
You LOVE her, that's why it's difficult. But how much do you love your daughters? With everything, I'm sure. Please don't let them pick up this self-destructing behavior.. It'll cause them so much pain and grief in the future.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So have you talked to your attorney today?

what are you waiting for? she does not respect you at all.

Do the 180 and follow your attorney's advice.

Start today and tell the other H. you would want to know.

too bad you can't change the locks, but you can start cancelling credit cards. Move some money in case she closes your bank account.

Get moving this afternoon.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Sarantonio said:


> PLEASE GET YOUR GIRLS AWAY FROM HER!
> 
> If she says her issues are from her mother, why wouldn't you think your sweet baby girls aren't going to pick this behavior up?
> You LOVE her, that's why it's difficult. But how much do you love your daughters? With everything, I'm sure. Please don't let them pick up this self-destructing behavior.. It'll cause them so much pain and grief in the future.


Surprisingly she is an excellent mother. Not a good role model though. She is the type of woman that projects perfection. Beautiful, well-dressed, always involved at the kids school. She really is a good mother though, so I could never take the kids from her. Could I?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

finallyready said:


> Surprisingly she is an excellent mother. Not a good role model though.


Does not compute.....


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

finallyready said:


> Surprisingly she is an excellent mother. Not a good role model though. She is the type of woman that projects perfection. Beautiful, well-dressed, always involved at the kids school. She really is a good mother though, so I could never take the kids from her. Could I?


OF COURSE you could!
And I would tell her "I don't want them catching your skank" in nicer words of course.. poor role models are not good parents. If you smoke a pack a day and tell your kids not to, they most likely will any way (ugh.. guilty BTW.. I'm working on it) Kids imitate. And what does being beautiful and well dressed have to do with being a good mother? Oh joy, she taught them hygiene.. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just saying it sounds like you have some rose colored glasses on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Three young children and a serial cheater for a wife?

Do I really have to say it?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Three young children and a serial cheater for a wife?
> 
> Do I really have to say it?


Yes you do. DNA the children ASAP!!!!!


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Three young children and a serial cheater for a wife?
> 
> Do I really have to say it?


No you don't. I can't stand to even think about that, but no you don't have to say it.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

So I know how to handle my stbxw. 180. Stick to business. Make her realize that I am going to fight her hard and that I will not make divorce easy on her. I really need more perspective on her friend. How does exposing her friend to her husband positively affect me? I hate to set off events that will ruin another family. Will this make dealing with my wife and my own problems even more difficult? Will this help get my wife and her friend realize how broken they are, or will it free them both to further reinforce their justification for this sh-t behavior.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you approach the neighbors husband and ask him how the open marriage is going....and when he say WTF...you can explain what you know and even show him the proof and explain to him that it was all a miss understanding in that the way the wives were behaving you thought he was in a open marriage.

Either this guys is going to want to know more and drill you with questions or he is going to tell you to phuck off. At that point you duty is done it is up to him to deal with it or not.

Again I really believe you approach this with a kind of naive kind of "hey don't get this open marriage thing you and your wife have" kind of mind set versus being a "daddle tail' kind of approach.

My thinking is it takes an out away from his wife telling her husband that you are just jealous over the time she and your own wife spend together.

In short it's kind of a easy way to approach the subject and then you can feel this guy out and see how he handles your 1st approach...who knows he may be receptive and you can get into more of your own personal details with you and your wife.

I guess the trick is approaching this guy with out him telling you to phuck off right after you introduce your self.

No matter how you tell him he has to be told.....besides your old lady might loose her wing man...so thats worth tell the husband no matter what.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

the guy said:


> I suggest you approach the neighbors husband and ask him how the open marriage is going....and when he say WTF...you can explain what you know and even show him the proof and explain to him that it was all a miss understanding in that the way the wives were behaving you thought he was in a open marriage.
> 
> Either this guys is going to want to know more and drill you with questions or he is going to tell you to phuck off. At that point you duty is done it is up to him to deal with it or not.
> 
> ...


A problem I foresee is that I will not be willing to share what I have. I won't let anything out of my control because I don't want to deal with the questionable legality of obtaining. I would hate to tease the guy with info then not be able to give him what he needs to be certain. What if I approached his wife and told her what I know? Make her sweat and see how she responds. If she messes with me I can always resort to the nuclear option of presenting what I have to her husband.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hopefully by telling the neighbors husband your wife will be so pissed off you won't have to hear all the bull shyt about wanting you back. Maybe she will be so pissed off she will come to term with it being over and won't beg and plead and she will just except her fate.

Or

You could be doing some guy a solid by telling him his old lady is phucking around on him and he needs to protect him self....no matter what it does for your own sitch.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You won't give up your sources so approaching the wife won't mean shyt.

They way I see it you don't want to reveal your sources ...period. 

Ok

So ask the guy how that open marriage is working out and walk away. All you can do is plant the seed. At the end of the day it will take proof that they can both see for this to have any effect.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe just tell the guy that "our wives are cheating on us....I'm divorcing mine, you can do what you want with ours".

The way I see it is you need to tell this guy....but you also need to give him some intel on what you know...just not how you found out.

At the very least just tell him your wife told you and you are telling him.....done!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From were I'm sitting it looks like you are again nicing your way out of this bullcrap.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

finallyready said:


> A problem I foresee is that I will not be willing to share what I have. I won't let anything out of my control because I don't want to deal with the questionable legality of obtaining. I would hate to tease the guy with info then not be able to give him what he needs to be certain. What if I approached his wife and told her what I know? Make her sweat and see how she responds. If she messes with me I can always resort to the nuclear option of presenting what I have to her husband.


Saying anything to your wife's friend about exposing the affair to her husband would do nothing more than give her ample opportunity to spin things if and when you do decide to expose the affair to him. Regarding wiretapping, VARs, etc, is your state a one-party consent state?

As far as exposing to her husband goes, I don't see how that would have any positive outcome for you. At best he might be really grateful to you for telling him the truth (personally, while I might initially be very upset, in the end I'd be grateful), in which case you might wind up getting a good friend out of it... but I don't see how that would translate to any sort of positive impact for you from a divorce perspective. At worst he might get angry w/ you, but seriously... so f*cking what? Actually, it might get your own WW all the more pissed off at you, which might make divorce proceedings even more difficult for you. *THAT'S* what I'd be concerned about.

Still, I'd expose. I might wait until after my own divorce were final to do it, but I'd still do it.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

I'll be thinking on whether and how to tell the neighbors husband. One more question for now. I still have "evidence" that I have not gone through. I haven't had the stomach for it. Should I not bother? Will the potential for additional pain be worthwhile if I learn something more from it?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

finallyready said:


> Make her sweat and see how she responds. .


Don't give her a chance to do her own damage control.

Beside the neighbors will spend the next couple of years trying to work it out and the chick will start cheating again and in a few years from now you will run into this guy, and he will give you a hug and thank you for telling him.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

finallyready said:


> Just need to fight off the emotions, and have a plan for if/when she realizes that she f'ed up badly (again).


You don't need a plan to deal with *her* FR; you simply need resolve. The plan you need is an exit strategy. Otherwise there's nothing left to discuss with her; no more need to confront. Just let her find out about the divorce when she gets served. She doesn't deserve any compassion on that front.

There comes a point in time when you should just have one priority; and you're beyond that point. GET OUT AS QUICKLY AND ECONOMICALLY AS POSSIBLE. *PUT HER IN YOUR REAR VIEW MIRROR*. No more need for drama.

Implement the 180, get an attorney, and get that D rolling. And; I would wait until after the divorce to expose her again. No need to do anything now that would make the divorce and child custody process be more contentious.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

finallyready said:


> I'll be thinking on whether and how to tell the neighbors husband. One more question for now. I still have "evidence" that I have not gone through. I haven't had the stomach for it. Should I not bother? Will the potential for additional pain be worthwhile if I learn something more from it?


If you're still looking for that smoking gun, go for it. If you've already got it, why bother?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I hate to say it but your biggest problem. 

Is you.

You've known what your wife is and keep going back for more.

You need to fix yourself or be content to live under her rules/way of life.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

finallyready said:


> Will this help get my wife and her friend realize how broken they are, or will it free them both to further reinforce their justification for this sh-t behavior.


Forget about schooling your wife and the other chick Dawg. They ain't broken from their own perspective. They just like running the streets and diddling with other men. You're the one that's broken my man, thinking you're going to get anything out of this but another kick in the azz and no sex while she bumps pubic bones with another guy. Think about what your life is going to be like in five years if you believe loving her is enough. That reasoning got you where you are at the moment. My cousin loved booze too, until it killed him. 
Quit being foolish enough to believe its go to change. Who can blame her of herding you around. She's got you paying the freight and working out of town giving her freedom to entertain the neighbor. Its kind of sexy if you think about it,,,,neighbors wife comes over for a royal fu-king while he's out of town.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe more pain will motivate you to pull the trigger on divorce....

Wait...

I'll tell you what....save this last piece of evidence for when you start to second guess your self. Listen to it when you think you you might take your old lady back.

Hold off on looking at this evidence, but wait for the time not to give you more pain, but a time to give you strength in leaving this liar.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce and expose.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

finallyready said:


> I wish I could make it easy, but I obviously love her and hate the idea of not living with my kids. Just need to fight off the emotions, and have a plan for if/when she realizes that she f'ed up badly (again).


For some reason, you doubt that you could never find another woman better than her. With this woman, you already must realize that she doesn't have strong feelings for you and will forever be eyeing some other man. Get over her and look for someone who cares about you and is attracted to you. You are not guaranteed to find her, but what you currently have is a life of hell. 

I wish you the best as you get past this awful time in your life.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> finallyready said:
> 
> 
> > I wish I could make it easy, but I obviously love her and hate the idea of not living with my kids. Just need to fight off the emotions, and have a plan for if/when she realizes that she f'ed up badly (again).
> ...


I know it appears this way, but when we're separated for over a year I did very well with women. For some reason, though, I have a particular weakness for my wife. Maybe it's the long time we've been together. Maybe it's an extreme case of codependency. I do truly know that I'll be fine. I did get over her before and was quite happy. When she showed up wanting to reconcile I fought it for a couple months but eventually caved. It was extremely easy to fall back in love with her. That was truly the biggest mistake of my life.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"For some reason, you doubt that you could never find another woman better than her."

I hope this isn't true.

It would actually be quite the challenge to find a woman WORSE than his WW.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Oh man what a story. A read your other threads too.

You need to Divorce her asap and save yourself. She is serial cheater and she is going from one man to the another.

Serve her with Divorce papers as soon as you can and dont leave your house.

Why did you stand out her "girls nights out" ? Mosz of the wives cheat like that,but in your case she cheated over and over again. How many times you will never knew and maybe it is better that way.

Also tell the other poor husband,he deserves to know. You know how it feels to be betrayed by your best friend.


Stay strong my friend.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I understand. 
When you have a picture perfect family with 3 little girls to care for its incredibly hard to let go of the fantasy. 
When the person you love & you share all of that history with betrays you, you WANT to believe in R so desperately. I know. 

I'm truly sorry. I'm a hapless romantic but even I can't see an alternative to divorce which will allow you to retain your sanity in this situation. :frown2:

I WOULD tell the husband of your wife's 'partner in crime'. He deserves to know. I hope you can support eachother through this terrible time. If the tables were turned wouldn't you want him to tell you?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

finallyready said:


> And FYI because I know you'll ask. I am searching for a counselor to start working on why I have been so weak over this woman. In all other aspects of life I am quite strong.


 How about searching for a couple things. Start with a lawyer with a back bone because somewhere along the line you lost yours. Then find you stones and stop worrying about hurting someone's feelings. Hop the fence and confront the OM and his wife and let them know that he can have her. Show his wife the proof you have and let her have her dibs on her husbands ass.

Next thing is to reclaim your home. If anyone leaves it's her and she can go stay with the bimbo she goes bar hopping with and let her family know.

How many times do you have to get slapped across the face before you wise up. Get your pride, dignity and self respect back.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

OP,

Your story is the best example of why I believe that reconciliation is a waste of time and remorse is over rated. You know what you need to do. Rub her nose in her own feces on your way out.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

The advice has been great so far. I do recognize that I've been a pushover in this relationship. I've enabled all of this. Just trying to figure out why, and how to get hard on this B.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The best way to get hard on this B is to show her the distance and indifference she deserves.

Treat her like a business deal gone bad and you are just trying to get out with a few bucks left in your pocket.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Finallyready, you are codependent on your wife, that is why you keep going back for more drama. You have to work with your counsellor on detaching from her and valuing yourself enough not to be treated like s*** by anyone least of all a serial cheater such as her.
I feel for your three little girls, how old are they?

You have received all the advice you need here but do not move out, why should you? She should be the one moving out. Make sure you sort out the lawyer and proceed with the D as soon as possible, there should be no more chances for her. Expose her to all family and friends and the neighbor's BGF.
With regard to the the other cheating woman, leave that be for now and deal with your own stuff first, when that is settled, do the poor BH a favour and tell him, by then you will be able to disclose more.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

aine said:


> Finallyready, you are codependent on your wife, that is why you keep going back for more drama. You have to work with your counsellor on detaching from her and valuing yourself enough not to be treated like s*** by anyone least of all a serial cheater such as her.
> I feel for your three little girls, how old are they?
> 
> You have received all the advice you need here but do not move out, why should you? She should be the one moving out. Make sure you sort out the lawyer and proceed with the D as soon as possible, there should be no more chances for her. Expose her to all family and friends and the neighbor's BGF.
> With regard to the the other cheating woman, leave that be for now and deal with your own stuff first, when that is settled, do the poor BH a favour and tell him, by then you will be able to disclose more.


Thank you. This is helpful to read, as well as the dozens of other posts (even the harsh ones). My girls are 10, 7 and 4. I feel intense sadness for them with all of this. Thinking of them going through this makes me hate my wife, which is helpful.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

See a good lawyer and start proceedings. Do a full 180 on her and dont communicate with her unless its through your lawyer.

Expose the slu...t of a neigbour to her husband. She has contributed to ruining your family might as well blow up her life as well. Besides her husband has a right to know.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wow. Just wow. You are a saint (or completely in denial) to put up with all that you have so far.

Divorce this woman. She is not a "wife" by any stretch of the imagination, and don't delude yourself into thinking she is a "good mother."

Good mothers don't skank around with total disregard for their children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

finallyready said:


> For some reason, though, I have a particular weakness for my wife. Maybe it's the long time we've been together. Maybe it's an extreme case of codependency.


Here's the thing Dawg. I think in simple thoughts and visions because I'm not smart enough to to think in high level "psychological" or scientific terms. They can call it codependency, brain chemistry, hormones or whatever. But the way I've always seen it is as what drive a man crazy and causes him to always want to go back for more azzkicking is a game he can't win, a horse he can't stay on and a woman he can't control. Most of the most popular and profitable country songs are about pining over the woman that done you wrong. Your a typical man, my man. Its what we do.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

aine said:


> Finallyready, you are codependent on your wife, that is why you keep going back for more drama. You have to work with your counsellor on detaching from her and valuing yourself enough not to be treated like s*** by anyone least of all a serial cheater such as her.
> I feel for your three little girls, how old are they?
> 
> You have received all the advice you need here but do not move out, why should you? She should be the one moving out. Make sure you sort out the lawyer and proceed with the D as soon as possible, there should be no more chances for her. Expose her to all family and friends and the neighbor's BGF.
> With regard to the the other cheating woman, leave that be for now and deal with your own stuff first, when that is settled, do the poor BH a favour and tell him, by then you will be able to disclose more.


I think it will be nearly impossible to get her to move out. First, because she won't leave the kids, and second because she still thinks all of this is my fault, not hers. Do you recommend I stay at the house even if she refuses to leave? I think that could be excruciating.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I highly recommend you stay in the house and you both sell it....this way she know your serious


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

Hi Finallyready.

Good on you for coming to TAM. You've been here before I see and it takes strength to come back and ask for advice.

I think however what you are after is attention, not help. You already know what people are going to tell you here. You are just perpetuating advice now. 

Your first step is to find counseling. You are the first man in your daughters lives and their future yardstick against all others and I don't get the sense you want to negatively impact their lives with behaviors you probably are not aware of. You know they are watching you, learning from you. Is this a lesson you want your daughters to learn? To hang on to a cheater? Or that it's okay to cheat because the other spouse is always there? Conscienceless? No consequences? Is it better to divorce from a place of independence and strength or hang on in servitude soothing yourself with words like, I made an eternal vow, I'm here to keep our family at all cost, she's such an amazing mother...

For now. I think you are just trying to fill a bottomless needy hole with the wrong filler. Only you know why you are here and why you come back and why you aren't doing a thing.

Good luck.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

CTPlay said:


> Hi Finallyready.
> 
> Good on you for coming to TAM. You've been here before I see and it takes strength to come back and ask for advice.
> 
> ...


Your comments are harsh but fair. You're right, I have all the advice I need, but that doesn't make any of this much easier. This has been a safe place to talk about these things and to deal with all of the emotion. I will earn the right to continue posting by taking the advice offered, and earn the respect of others in this forum. I'll update soon.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

finallyready said:


> Do you recommend I stay at the house even if she refuses to leave? I think that could be excruciating.


No, move out. Its like a toxic environment of pesticides Dawg. The first thing you do to recover is get clear of it. The stuff about staying in the house and/or making her leave is futile and a zero sum gain. In the end you will likely sell the house and be out anyway. What do you hope to gain by staying in the house, other than playing a game of wills with her. But get the advice of a good family practice attorney before you do anything.



finallyready said:


> I will earn the right to continue posting by taking the advice offered, and earn the respect of others in this forum. I'll update soon.


You don't have to "earn the right" for anything. You have the right to post (limited by the site) and if folks don't like it, they can ignore you. But readers have the right to respond from their perspective; and you can ignore them if you don't like it. Its just as simple as that my man.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

finallyready said:


> I think it will be nearly impossible to get her to move out. First, because she won't leave the kids, and second because she still thinks all of this is my fault, not hers. Do you recommend I stay at the house even if she refuses to leave? I think that could be excruciating.


She leaves the kids everytime she goes out with her BFF to pick up "strange" guys. She leaves your kids multiple nights a week.

Refresh her memory.

And if she refuses to leave then make sure she stays with the kids and interacts like a mother should.

And you should not leave until a formal separation/divorce is processed.

Speak to your attorney. Be the grownup. Your kids will need you to be one.

HM

PS
Tell the B's husband. Let him deal with her so you can properly deal with your wife.

Remind her she is setting a crappy example for your girls.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She doesn't think it's your fault. Those are just her words not her actual feelings. She says it to keep the conversation about you and not her.

You should talk to a lawyer. Staying or moving out are entirely dependent on your goals with respect to a divorce settlement and custody.

You shoujld be 100% focused on your own exit plan and making it the bet it can be for yourself and your children.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

When is your appointment with the attorney for the divorce and the realtor to sell the house?

No need to stay in the neighborhood with her rotten friends.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@finallyready 

If I could, I would roll up to your house in unmarked van, throw a burlap sack over your head and kidnap you to get you away from this VILE, DISGUSTING, POS "wife"... of yours. More like wh0re than wife.

What is it you find so appealing about her? The fact that she's a liar? That she uses you as a security blanket? That she has traces of multiple other men's semen in her vag at any given moment?

You are very weak. Clearly, even you admit it. Besides divorcing her, what are you doing about YOU to boost your self esteem, stop being a cowardly cuckold and emotionally distancing yourself from this creature.

I think you're both very broken people but at least you can fix YOURSELF so next time you get a knife in the back, you will DO SOMETHING about it, and STICK TO IT, rather then slink away a defeated man. 

This OP is the poster child for why rug sweeping NEVER works.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

finallyready said:


> Surprisingly she is an excellent mother. Not a good role model though. *She is the type of woman that projects perfection. Beautiful, well-dressed, always involved at the kids school.* She really is a good mother though, so I could never take the kids from her. Could I?


And still you defend her...Look at your words in bold. This is the description of a con man. She "projects" perfection but does not live it. Beautiful, well dressed and involved with school...All things that are visual, form with no function. She only cares about how it LOOKS, not about how it is. This is not good mother material. She is deviant, underhanded and deceitful, lacking in integrity and honor and seemingly has no conscience. You can't possibly desire your girls to turn out that way.?.

How is removing your girls from such an influence in any way a bad thing? You are the stabilizing force presently, what will she be like with you not there? What will your girls hear and see? She obviously has no care about them and is only concerned with the regions between her thighs. How is that good for them? I strongly suggest that you rethink your last sentence.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Finallyready, you were on the right path for a year moving on without her to just be suck back in with a false reconciliation, that has really [email protected]

It is bad enough to be in a false R but to be on your way to a new life for a year then to be manipulated back in bites a big one.

try and remember all the good times you had in that year that did not include your wayward spouse.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

convert said:


> Finallyready, you were on the right path for a year moving on without her to just be suck back in with a false reconciliation, that has really [email protected]
> 
> It is bad enough to be in a false R but to be on your way to a new life for a year then to be manipulated back in bites a big one.
> 
> try and remember all the good times you had in that year that did not include your wayward spouse.


Thanks. I will. There truly were some good times. It took about 6 months to get to that point though.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi finallyready,

You need to re-evaluate your feelings about the role you play in your duaghters lives. Perhaps other posters can provide links to studies, but consider that girls your their age are at the most risk of sexual abuse from a close family relative OR A MOTHERS NEW RELATIONSHIP. Your wife's character flaws over rides any other positive qualities. Among other posters read uptown and david's threads. For your girls and your's emotional help you need to seek primary custody. You both work full time, their is nothing she can provide that you cannot and you can provide she cannot. As such you should keep the home and custody.

As to your weakness: it is only a problem if you fail to compensate for it. First the lawyer, they need to be a bull. Second tell them you are weak in this regard and it is up to them to carry the ball. Third tell him what you want in terms of custody and asset division. Fourth ask them what you need to do to achieve this, both in court and in the home. Let them QB your effort.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have free will and control over your own actions, so I hope for your sake and the sake of your daughters that this is your final 'finally.'

You are far from the first man in the world to be ensnared and brought low by a serial-cheating femme fatale. Literature is filled with such types and they leave a trail of destruction.

You don't have to be helpless to her charms anymore, though. It seems that you know this, so now you need to follow through. It took you a while last time to break free before she roped you in again. So what? It's not that long in the great scheme of things. You'll get out, get into a new routine with your children, and start a new, healthier life.

Just think! A life without all the deceit and betrayal. What a concept!

As others have said, you are a role model for your daughters as well. You need to show them how an honorable, self-respecting man lives his life, not how a cuckold gets through years of betrayal and abuse.

And remember, you can't fix her. She is a serial cheater and has never thought the way you do. She has a compartment in her head that focuses on her husband and children, but then another always active compartment that is all excited about her latest fling. The second compartment is the one that is always juiced up; the first compartment is her background noise. For her, this mentality never changes.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

finallyready said:


> You can probably look up my previous stories on here somewhere, but long story short, several years ago I was on here because my wife left me and it turned out that she was having an affair with her boss at work. I handled that situation entirely wrong, and ended up separated for a year. I had moved on, was doing well, and this apparently attracted her. We ended up reconciling. Fast forward to April 2014 and history was repeating itself with another man. She was exhibiting the same behaviors - withdrawn, uninterested, etc. This time I went full PI mode with some help from some folks on here. I got the evidence I needed, confronted with divorce papers, and went full 180. She pulled the classic rage reaction, telling me she hates me, etc., etc. After a couple weeks of her acting like this, when it was time to sit down to discuss separation terms, she broke down completely and for the first time in years I had seen real remorse in her. Over the next several days she revealed a lot, was transparent, acknowledged that she has issues that stem from her mother. I was encouraged by this and agreed to hold off on divorce while she received counseling. I think I gave in a bit too easily here. Sure, I had terms that she had to meet, but over the next couple months that faded. Life just settled back to where it was before the affair. Things were very good. We both felt very good about the marriage, and were both grateful for another chance. That is, until recently.
> 
> Over the last couple months she has withdrawn again. She's had no interest in intimacy with me, and in general didn't seem to be very interested in me or what's happening in my life. I would barely get a "how was your day?" from her. I don't need to get into the details here. You all know exactly what I'm talking about. I approached her quickly with my feelings, expressing that this is suspicious considering our past. I was reassured over and over again that she was just not in a great mood and that truly everything was fine. This situation led to routine arguments because I could not tolerate her lack of interest in me. This continued to escalate quickly to a miserable existence. I avoided going into PI mode for a while, but decided that my gut instinct was too strong. I ended up getting evidence that she has been pursuing our next door neighbor.
> 
> ...


finallyready,

I suggest you drop, for the time being, any concern about your WW's friend's H. Right now, you need to concentrate on getting your own house in order, rather than worry about someone else's.



finallyready said:


> I know! That is why I'm here and why I need counseling. She has had a very strong power over me. I can't point to anything about my upbringing that would make me that way.


I strongly suggest that, even before you seek counseling for your co-dependent behavioral traits, you read _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_ by Dr. Robert Glover (you can download it here: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf).



finallyready said:


> > Quote:
> > Originally Posted by *GusPolinski*
> > _Three young children and a serial cheater for a wife?
> >
> ...


If there is any chance your children might not be yours biologically, they need to know that at some point for medical reasons. Frankly, while I understand how emotionally wrenching it would be to get a bad result, you're better off learning the complete truth now rather than ten or twenty years from now.



finallyready said:


> I think it will be nearly impossible to get her to move out. First, because she won't leave the kids, and second because she still thinks all of this is my fault, not hers. Do you recommend I stay at the house even if she refuses to leave? I think that could be excruciating.


As far as moving out or your house, talk to your attorney before acting. In some states and situations, it could have negative consequences but only a qualified attorney can properly advise you. Along the same lines, do not rely on legal advice you get on the web. Most legal results are fact specific so, unless someone with legal training has a chance to gather all the relevant information (which usually involves having a conversation with you), any advice you receive is possibly incorrect.

Good luck to you. I have a feeling you're going to need it.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Thanks for the book advice. I have a flight in Thursday. I'll read it then.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

So after traveling on business all week I am heading home tonight. Tomorrow I plan to discuss next steps, living arrangements, and other divorce stuff with my stbxw. Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this? Should I be cold or nice? Should I stay all-business or confront her with evidence of her bad behavior? What gives me the best shot at getting her to agree to some terms quickly? I think there is a chance that we resolve issues through mediation instead of a costly legal battle. She was ok with that when we were in this position before.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

It would not hurt to have a VAR on you when you talk to her.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

convert said:


> It would not hurt to have a VAR on you when you talk to her.


Really? What good could that do? Is that legal?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

finallyready said:


> Really? What good could that do? Is that legal?


In some areas you can record any conversation that you are in legally. In some states you have to let the other party know. 

As a practical side, it can be very useful if she attempts to claim you abused her. Probably even if it wasn't legal to record.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

finallyready said:


> Really? What good could that do? Is that legal?


If she gets nasty and starts throwing you stuff out in the yard again, maybe even false domestic violence charges, it could help you


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

convert said:


> finallyready said:
> 
> 
> > Really? What good could that do? Is that legal?
> ...


Ok. Thanks.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

convert said:


> It would not hurt to have a VAR on you when you talk to her.


Can I private message you?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

finallyready said:


> Can I private message you?


yes


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

finallyready said:


> Really? What good could that do? Is that legal?


Depends on where you live. Look into whether our not your state (assuming, of course, that you reside in the US) is a "one-party consent" state.

For example...



> Texas Wiretapping Law
> 
> Texas's wiretapping law is a "one-party consent" law. Texas makes it a crime to intercept or record any "wire, oral, or electronic communication" unless one party to the conversation consents. Texas Penal Code § 16.02. Therefore, if you operate in Texas, you may record a conversation or phone call if you are a party to the conversation or you get permission from one party to the conversation in advance. That said, if you intend to record conversations involving people located in more than one state, you should play it safe and get the consent of all parties.
> 
> ...


The above was taken from the following URL...

http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/texas-recording-law


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's what I would do. 

I'd walk in the door, ignore her, and go be with my girls. 

Then I'd feed them, put them to bed, go up to MY bedroom and throw all HER **** out of it, close the door, and lock it.

And write myself a reminder to call the lawyer in the morning to see if you can throw her out, or at least sell the house to force the issue.

ANY verbal discussion with your wife is not going to help you. So don't have any. Ignore her.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

marduk said:


> Here's what I would do.
> 
> I'd walk in the door, ignore her, and go be with my girls.
> 
> ...


Sounds good in theory, but I want my girls to think all is normal until it's time to tell them.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

finallyready said:


> Sounds good in theory, but I want my girls to think all is normal until it's time to tell them.


Your girls are going to know something is up, no matter how "normal" you behave.

Kids always know.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Also don't be surprised if your STBX has already told them *lies* about you.

Edited: I can't spell.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Satya said:


> finallyready said:
> 
> 
> > Sounds good in theory, but I want my girls to think all is normal until it's time to tell them.
> ...


I realize that, but I wouldn't want them to see me trying to throw their mother out. This can all happen while they are at school tomorrow.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Think about the last time your STBXW sat you down to tell you how she was planning on getting spit roasted - and asking your advice on whether she should use protection or just say fvck it and go bareback.

Wait - that discussion never happened? At be because it didn't matter to her what you thought about what she planned to do. 

Do you think this lying deceitful ho bag should get to weigh in on your actions?

Hmmmm naw I don't think so.

Also - dude - it's very good for your girls to see their father not ok with their mom. They need to see you act independent and like a man. They already are a door mat. Let them see a few wrinkles.

My wife was completely blindsided by her parents divorce in 6th grade - no idea anything was wrong. How is that better?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You need a VAR for the confront. If your wife flips her sh*t, starts yelling, threatens violence, threatens you w/ false DV charges, etc, you'll want to have all of that readily available to hand to your attorney, and possibly the police as well.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Going on a biz trip was supremely bad timing I think. Who knows what stories she's told and how she's character assassinated you while you were gone. 

I hate to be pessimistic, but I think you have a roller-coaster ride ahead of you, and the seat belts are broken.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Satya said:


> Going on a biz trip was supremely bad timing I think. Who knows what stories she's told and how she's character assassinated you while you were gone.
> 
> I hate to be pessimistic, but I think you have a roller-coaster ride ahead of you, and the seat belts are broken.


Wouldn't have hurt to have had a couple of VARs discretely lying around w/ lithium batteries. Most folks would be surprised at how well they can be hidden in your typical den, kitchen, bedroom, etc.

Oh well. Hindsight.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

finallyready said:


> I realize that, but I wouldn't want them to see me trying to throw their mother out.


I hope if you mean this literally, you have a court order in hand. It sounds like a real tough guy macho approach for dealing with a cheating wife but they are really letting their mouths overload their azz. But I suppose a judge can explain it better than I can.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

finallyready said:


> Sounds good in theory, but I want my girls to think all is normal until it's time to tell them.


Are you kidding me?

You want your girls to think their married mom banging random guys is normal?

Do you think they don't know what's up?


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

I'm still here. It's been a few weeks. I had a moment of weakness and we slept together and I almost got back together with her. This weakness only lasted a couple days. Getting back on track. Planning to file this week. Still living in the house but staying on the couch. She's a ho.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Its not my taste but ain't nothing wrong with nailing your ex-wife if and only if you can keep your perspective. Most guys can't. The danger of course in letting her puzzy make you want forever and believe the future with her will be bright and wonderful. Most women can do that to a man. But as history has shown you, it ain't like that Dawg. Several minutes a week of melting into that puzzy probably ain't going to be worth the other shyt she will put you through. Unless you're willing to share your wife with other guys just to have her near, you better cut this one loose.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Its not my taste but ain't nothing wrong with nailing your ex-wife if and only if you can keep your perspective. Most guys can't. The danger of course in letting her puzzy make you want forever and believe the future with her will be bright and wonderful. Most women can do that to a man. But as history has shown you, it ain't like that Dawg. Several minutes a week of melting into that puzzy probably ain't going to be worth the other shyt she will put you through. Unless you're willing to share your wife with other guys just to have her near, you better cut this one loose.


Well unfortunately it did suck me back in. There was remorse then very strong connection. Luckily it didn't take long for her to remind me of reality. She went on a 5 day trip with her friend. It's been planned for months, when we were all good. She ended up banging a friend of mine while there. She thought is never know but I'm like Magnum PI at this point. I spoke to the dude last night. He admitted it and said he fell in love with her during that trip. Crazy. They had only met once before. I gave her his number while she was there so her and her friend could reach out to him to be shown around (coincidentally he lives where they were going on this trip). I gave her his number. Wtf. Then they proceeded to have a whirlwind romance. It hurts like hell, but is giving me some anger to latch onto and strengthen my resolve.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

finallyready said:


> She went on a 5 day trip with her friend. It's been planned for months, when we were all good. She ended up banging a friend of mine while there.


Good grief! This woman is like a penile pin cushion.

I don't know how you've been able to stay with her this long, but now there's no way you can try to stay married to her any longer... Right!?

HARD 180. Get all the paperwork in motion. If it doesn't cost much more, I'd file under adultery. Then have her served when she's at the neighbor's house, if possible.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> *Its not my taste but ain't nothing wrong with nailing your ex-wife if and only if you can keep your perspective.* Most guys can't. The danger of course in letting her puzzy make you want forever and believe the future with her will be bright and wonderful. Most women can do that to a man. But as history has shown you, it ain't like that Dawg. Several minutes a week of melting into that puzzy probably ain't going to be worth the other shyt she will put you through. Unless you're willing to share your wife with other guys just to have her near, you better cut this one loose.


*cough* Wrap it!


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> finallyready said:
> 
> 
> > She went on a 5 day trip with her friend. It's been planned for months, when we were all good. She ended up banging a friend of mine while there.
> ...


Absolutely right. There is no way I can try to be married to her. Just looking forward to getting through the next year of my life and to the other side of this awful situation. 

We talked separation/divorce this morning and have agreed on temporary terms. She read the cheaters script to me as usual. Didn't mean for it to happen, she deserves to be happy, our marriage was never good, etc. She even tells me how great this guy is and that they may try to be together even though he's 2000 miles away. Wow, this woman will fall in love with anyone that gives her positive attention. I've wasted so many years of my life. 38 yrs old though so there's still time to create a new one.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

finallyready said:


> Surprisingly she is an excellent mother. Not a good role model though. She is the type of woman that projects perfection. Beautiful, well-dressed, always involved at the kids school. She really is a good mother though, so I could never take the kids from her. Could I?


I realize that this is an older post, but I'd like to address it anyway...

No, she's not a good mother.

Regardless of how many PTA meetings that she attends, how many carpools or playdates she arranges, or how many desserts she bakes for charities, a good mother wouldn't put her family at risk for these fleeting, meaningless flings.

A good mother would set a better example for her children, and especially for her daughters.

A good mother wouldn't perpetually inflict the pain of infidelity upon the father of her children.

A "good mother" like your wife is good for exactly one thing, and it's neither motherhood nor marriage.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

OP,

Do you like drama? Seriously, I'm not dissing you but after reading your posts what your WW has been up to (plausibly the tip of the iceberg) and I read one of your latest posts, that when she showed you just a little bum, you were 'back' with her faster that Bolt. This 'relationship' looks like a borderline (WW) and her enabler (you). People here say that you should cut all ties and leave her. But do you really want to? You don't break the law by staying in this situation. Others, me included, would choose to leave this stress behind and find someone who treats us better, but you have to find pleasure in this situation, because why haven't you gone yet?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

dental said:


> OP,
> 
> Do you like drama? Seriously, I'm not dissing you but after reading your posts what your WW has been up to (plausibly the tip of the iceberg) and I read one of your latest posts, that when she showed you just a little bum, you were 'back' with her faster that Bolt. This 'relationship' looks like a borderline (WW) and her enabler (you). People here say that you should cut all ties and leave her. But do you really want to? You don't break the law by staying in this situation. Others, me included, would choose to leave this stress behind and find someone who treats us better, but you have to find pleasure in this situation, because why haven't you gone yet?


I think you may be on to something, dental. Maybe he actually enjoys the drama.

The OP has been trying to work up the courage to dump his cheating wife for three years now. Meanwhile, he's swallowed his pride time and again, always coming up with one excuse or another not to pull the trigger.

His user name -- finallyready -- is rather ironic, don't you think? Ready for what is what I'd like to know.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> dental said:
> 
> 
> > OP,
> ...


Understand that it's much easier for those of you that have already navigated your way through this sh-t show. I clearly have codependency issues that I will be starting therapy for this week. I am fully committed to ending this relationship.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

He's ready to become a cuckold which is exactly what he did in 2012 and the same story is happening again....


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

finallyready said:


> Understand that it's much easier for those of you that have already navigated your way through this sh-t show. *I clearly have codependency issues *that I will be starting therapy for this week. I am fully committed to ending this relationship.


No argument from me.

I rode the fence for over a year with my WW. D or R with any cheater, even more so with a SC is definitely an OJT experience that can never be understood from the bleachers.

BTW, Marriage is a co-dependency by very definition.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

finallyready said:


> Understand that it's much easier for those of you that have already navigated your way through this sh-t show. I clearly have codependency issues that I will be starting therapy for this week. I am fully committed to ending this relationship.


Really glad to hear this, finallyready.

Yes, I was trying to provoke you, but I think you have to agree that there was cause. You've been putting up with her crap for far too long.

What I and I'm sure the rest of us really want to hear from you is that you've put her behind you, gotten on with your life and rediscovered what it means to be happy.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Since your wife is a serial cheater who has HAD no problems putting your health at risk for STD's; don't you think it makes sense to have your children tested for paternity and yourself checked for STD's as well?

Remember: IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

bryanp said:


> Since your wife is a serial cheater who has HAD no problems putting your health at risk for STD's; don't you think it makes sense to have your children tested for paternity and yourself checked for STD's as well?
> 
> Remember: IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


Yes, I will do this. Obviously fearful of what I could find out but you're right. It needs to happen.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Any updates, @finallyready?


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Really bad night. It was my daughters birthday and some mutual friends were over. I left with a guy to go get some drinks. I told him everything, which felt good. When I came home my wife was here with her toxic friend. I was a bit tipsy and told her to get the f out of my house. A fight broke out. I told them both that they were disgusting. I told my wife that she was ridiculous to expect me to stay here if she was going to carry on with OM. It's ugly now. Now how I wanted to handle things but it's true - I can't pretend to be a family of she is so blatantly going to be in love with the OM. I was hoping to last through the holidays and be amicable, but it looks like that is off the table.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

finallyready said:


> Really bad night. It was my daughters birthday and some mutual friends were over. I left with a guy to go get some drinks. I told him everything, which felt good. When I came home my wife was here with her toxic friend. I was a bit tipsy and told her to get the f out of my house. A fight broke out. I told them both that they were disgusting. I told my wife that she was ridiculous to expect me to stay here if she was going to carry on with OM. It's ugly now. Now how I wanted to handle things but it's true - I can't pretend to be a family of she is so blatantly going to be in love with the OM. I was hoping to last through the holidays and be amicable, but it looks like that is off the table.


Dude. Look at your thread history... it's been nearly FOUR YEARS since you first came to TAM and you're in pretty much the same boat now that you were then.

F*ck waiting until after the holidays (Hell, you said the same thing nearly 4 years ago) -- start talking w/ lawyers first thing Monday morning.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Dude. Look at your thread history... it's been nearly FOUR YEARS since you first came to TAM and you're in pretty much the same boat now that you were then.
> 
> F*ck waiting until after the holidays (Hell, you said the same thing nearly 4 years ago) -- start talking w/ lawyers first thing Monday morning.


This. You have suffered long enough.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

finallyready said:


> I told my wife that she was ridiculous to expect me to stay here if she was going to carry on with OM.


finally, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

No matter what you do, wherever your kids are, YOU ARE.

Got that? 

It matters, if you have any intention of getting any custody of your kids.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> finallyready said:
> 
> 
> > I told my wife that she was ridiculous to expect me to stay here if she was going to carry on with OM.
> ...


Ok. You're right. This is emotional torture though and it's really preventing me from moving on. I have a couple business trips coming up which will help, and maybe I'll take a few day "vacation" this week.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

finallyready said:


> Understand that it's much easier for those of you that have already navigated your way through this sh-t show. I clearly have codependency issues that I will be starting therapy for this week. I am fully committed to ending this relationship.


Sir, you don't have to do anything to end your relationship. Your wife has already done that.

Trying to put the onus on yourself for this is like trying to blame the undertaker for the fact that the person in the coffin is dead. 

The undertaker didn't kill the victim, but damn it he will Bury them!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

finallyready said:


> Ok. You're right. This is emotional torture though and it's really preventing me from moving on. I have a couple business trips coming up which will help, and maybe I'll take a few day "vacation" this week.


File first.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I don't think finallyready is done yet. This is what the 3rd time his searial cheating wife has had an affair?

If you wait around long enough you'll find a reason that will make you stay a little longer. Your biggest problem is being too much of a doormat.

I don't think you have what it takes to divorce her.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> I don't think finallyready is done yet. This is what the 3rd time his searial cheating wife has had an affair?
> 
> If you wait around long enough you'll find a reason that will make you stay a little longer. Your biggest problem is being too much of a doormat.
> 
> I don't think you have what it takes to divorce her.


I have already been talking with a lawyer. I am planning on mediation because my stbx is in a position that she just wants it to end it quickly so she can more freely pursue OM. 

Being a doormat is definitely my problem. I'm actually thankful that my wife is not remorseful and not looking to reconcile, otherwise I would be at high risk of believing her lies and letting her back in. 

I'm committed to ending this. For real. I think that leaving this house is the best way for me to move on. If I stay here I'll never get over her. First therapy session on Tuesday, where I will hopefully start learning how to not be a doormat.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

finallyready said:


> I have already been talking with a lawyer. I am planning on mediation because my stbx is in a position that she just wants it to end it quickly so she can more freely pursue OM.
> 
> Being a doormat is definitely my problem. I'm actually thankful that my wife is not remorseful and not looking to reconcile, otherwise I would be at high risk of believing her lies and letting her back in.
> 
> I'm committed to ending this. For real. I think that leaving this house is the best way for me to move on. If I stay here I'll never get over her. First therapy session on Tuesday, where I will hopefully start learning how to not be a doormat.


It's already been mentioned, but don't leave your house unless advised to do so by your lawyer, as it may hurt you in terms of child custody.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You should go to therapy.

But the key to not being a door mat is to start believing your own eyes rather than her lies.

That simple, brother.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> You should go to therapy.
> 
> But the key to not being a door mat is to start believing your own eyes rather than her lies.
> 
> That simple, brother.


I don't believe her lies. Never really did. I just chose to deny the truth because it felt better to be with her than without her. Emotional heroine. I will learn that this is not true. I know I will look back and wonder wtf I was thinking. It's just going to take time. Every day that passes I accept reality more and more.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

finallyready said:


> I have already been talking with a lawyer. I am planning on mediation because my stbx is in a position that she just wants it to end it quickly so she can more freely pursue OM.
> 
> Being a doormat is definitely my problem. I'm actually thankful that my wife is not remorseful and not looking to reconcile, otherwise I would be at high risk of believing her lies and letting her back in.
> 
> I'm committed to ending this. For real. I think that leaving this house is the best way for me to move on. If I stay here I'll never get over her. First therapy session on Tuesday, where I will hopefully start learning how to not be a doormat.


Your life will be what YOU make it. if you can ever understand that you can make progress. It'll still be hard and everyone has failures etc but at least you can work towards a future istead of being in limbo all the time.

Once you realize this life will be clearer and more rewarding. The Calvary isn't coming. It's totally up you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> It matters, if you have any intention of getting any custody of your kids.


Talk to a lawyer. You have a ton of us older people when it was this bad, but courts are going more and more 50/50 out of the box, with one parent getting primary custody. See what the lawyer recommends.

If you choose to leave, sometimes it is too much to stay in the house, make 100% sure you stay in your children's lives. Many fathers mess up because they move out and their ex-wives establish they are never or rarely around. Pick them up from school, take them to all of their activities, be their for dinner, take them to school etc etc etc. Do everything you did before, but live in a different place. Even if yo \u must sit on the opposing teams, schools or whatever area make sure you are seen at all events.

Oh and curb your drinking, it may be for fun, but we've seen to many betrayed spouses rely on alcohol to numb the pain. Yes, many start off with "it is once in awhile for fun." Just saying be careful.

Edit:
Let me be clear, I agree with Turnera and Gus. If you leave, you can go look for links and studies, judges tend to side with whoever keeps the kids normalcy intact. So, it will be an uphill battle for anything more than 50/50 and you'll end up being the non-custodial parent.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Tell the toxic friends husband.

I would do it out of pure spite.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your WW is a femme fatale, the female equivalent of the bad boy. She has no respect for the men that she wraps around her finger. She manipulates them and has contempt for them. She knows just how to make them fall for her and this is exciting to her, the power of having the supposed stronger sex at her feet all the time.

Her latest victim is your supposed friend, who is now trapped for however long it takes him to figure out that she is poison to his sense of self and peace of mind.

FR, I believe that you absolutely have to find your pride and take the first serious step toward freedom for yourself. File for divorce. No more hemming and hawing. Just get it done.

She knows that she can have you whenever she wants. You absolutely need to show her that she is finally wrong. 38 is not at all old. You will, however, eventually be too old to restart your life if you don't stop screwing around with this.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Do you have part of your house you can carve out for your own? A basement?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> Do you have part of your house you can carve out for your own? A basement?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I could do that, and I may. If I stay here it will only be through the holidays. I actually went and checked out apartments today after work, and it felt good. I found a couple real nice spots. I could be sad and miserable tomorrow, but tonight I feel good. Actually looking forward to a new life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only reason we tell you to stay there is if you have any intentions of getting more than a weekend or two of custody of the kids. If you're ok with that, go ahead and move out. But experience shows that dads who move out have a hard time convincing judges that they deserve any more time than that. And, of course, if you only have the kids 10% of the time, you get to 'pay' her for rearing them the other 90%.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

I've been quiet lately, so here's an update. I am moving out. I have a place all set. My stbxw has been with OM for the last several days. I believe he flew in last Tues or Wed. She didn't come home at all Wed night, the. Spent the entire weekend "at her friends houae". Friday night I found some oral sex cream stashed in her underwear drawer, and the wrapper for it in the bathroom trash. The sheet was off the bed and missing. And I found a tag for a new men's shirt in the kitchen trash. I also found love notes stashed in the drawer. He was here in my house, in my bed, while I was at work Friday and the kids were at school. I was in a very bad place Friday. Put the kids to bed and sat out on my patio with whiskey and a loaded gun. I'm thankful that my kids were here so I couldn't leave. Otherwise I would have searched the state for them and who knows what would have happened. I am about as stable of a person as can be, but learning that she took this relationship to our bed, where we conceived children, makes me absolutely sick. She is a dispicable wh-re. She just came home after her wonderful romantic weekend. I gave not told her that o know, but she'll figure it out when she sees the ripped up love notes and when she goes looking for the sex wax that I snagged. 

So again, I'm moving out. I have spoken with an attorney. He did not live the idea but hearing my story he said he could argue that I was being abused. Regardless of consequences, I will not stay in this house. I'm leaving on a 2 week business trip in the morning and I will move out as soon as I return.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure you burn the bed in the back yard before you leave.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

finallyready said:


> Surprisingly she is an excellent mother. Not a good role model though. She is the type of woman that projects perfection. Beautiful, well-dressed, always involved at the kids school. She really is a good mother though, so I could never take the kids from her. Could I?


Sorry, but she cannot be a good mother if she is screwing random men and endangering her marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

turnera said:


> Make sure you burn the bed in the back yard before you leave.


At the very least...on your way out the door ...pull the sheets back take a piss on the matress and then throw the sheets back on.>


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW...next time you find oral sex lotion and it ain't yours....put a lot of hot sauce in it and put it back were you found it.

Other then that you gather the rest of the crap up and give it to your lawyer.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

This is the third time I have written this post. The first two where cruel in an attempt to shock you. 

Get a pit bull of a lawyer tell him you want full custody and blood and go NC. All contact is to be directed at the lawyer. Tell the lawyer you want the posm's life under a microscope and you want him and your WS to know it,

Enough of the poor suffering noble me!


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## TrustlessHeart (Nov 5, 2015)

You're not the only one who is in love with a serial cheater. It's hard not to feel foolish when they show true remorse then do it again. Not many can understand how you could possibly give one person so many chances. But love is different for each of us and no one can understand our unique situation. For me the heartbreak was devastating but by offense #3 (not consummated but still inappropriate) I found the pain was replaced by indifference. Desipite still being together and getting along well in all areas, I am secretly planning my next phase of life without him after our twin sons finish school and move out. The idea of life without him in it makes me sad, but this lack of trust and always watching for "signs" and going into P.I. Mode at every red flag is not how I want to spend my golden years. You deserve a faithful companion who won't disrespect you like this over and over. You and your daughter will be happier once you move on. I hope it all works out for you. I truly know exactly how you feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Put your guns in storage or give them to a trusted family member to hold until this is done. We have enough idiots shooting people, don't become another statistics.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Put your guns in storage or give them to a trusted family member to hold until this is done. We have enough idiots shooting people, don't become another statistics.


I already have!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Can you take the kids with you? She is making a horrible environment for them, with OM in and out of the house. If you can't take them with you, seek full custody.

I'm really, really sorry you are dealing with this.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Update. I have been on a trip for the last two weeks. Mostly business, but also some fun with old friends mixed in. This was helpful. Not having to see her was great. I felt a little better each day. Although at one point during the trip I got a text from OM looking to "hash things out". He was pissed because his mother found out what was going on and called him on it. He specifically said "it's not ok to f-ck with my relationship with my family". Seriously dude? Grow up. He's gonna talk to me about impacting family relationships??? I replied with a 1000 word lashing and then ignored the follow up texts. Who the f-ck does he think he is?

During my trip there a couple times I was out and women showed interest in me. This was a boost, but I'm obviously not ready for that yet. Felt good though. 

I returned last night and spent my first night in the new apt. No furniture, sleeping on an air mattress. But better than being in the house with stbxw. 

Today was our first mediation session with the lawyer. It was painful to be there. It is now becoming very real. Very real for her too as she learned that she won't be getting nearly as much money each month as she figured. She was crying about it, wondering how she'll be able to pay the bills and afford the house. I kept my cool and didn't antagonize her, but I did remind her that I told her divorce would mean the expensive house would have to be sold. She is starting to face the financial reality for the first time. I told her that it didn't have to come to this, but what's done is done. Her response was that she would rather be a stripper to make money than to stay in this marriage. I told her not to worry, because staying in the marriage was no longer an option. It still amazes me that she feels no responsibility for any of this. She will never care that she was a **** that destroyed a marriage and split a family. That's ok though. I'm slowly realizing that I don't need her to feel guilty and remorseful. She will carry her issues with her through the rest of her life, and they will always come back to haunt her. Her and OM may ride off into the sunset, but eventually the person she truly is will resurface and chaos will return to her life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

the guy said:


> BTW...next time you find oral sex lotion and it ain't yours....put a lot of hot sauce in it and put it back were you found it.
> 
> Other then that you gather the rest of the crap up and give it to your lawyer.


That's really horrible advice. Really??????

Cmon man you know better than this. 

You need to add sand too!!!!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> That's really horrible advice. Really??????
> 
> Cmon man you know better than this.
> 
> You need to add sand too!!!!


😈👍
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

finallyready said:


> Update...
> 
> Today was our first mediation session with the lawyer. It was painful to be there. It is now becoming very real. *Very real for her *too as she learned that she won't be getting nearly as much money each month as she figured.
> 
> ...


Seen it first hand. It still amazes me how seemingly educated Adults just don't see it coming.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That is one thing I've seen over and over - the women who want to leave for no good reason - can you say entitlement? - are always the ones who somehow blindly expect the money to keep flowing.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

For real man. We only looked at preliminary numbers, but she was expecting about $2000 more per month. This is despite my explanations that these are calculations, and the court has no expectation that everyone gets to maintain current lifestyle (except the kids that is). She feels so f-cking entitled and truly expected that I would live off of 20% of my income so she could still get her hair done at a fancy salon and buy nice clothes, etc. Wake up call b-tch.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tell her she has the OM now so he can keep her


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi. First of all, I wanted to say that I'm proud of you for bouncing back from all this and handling this so well!

A couple of questions/advice:
1. How is your therapy going?

2. Have you read No more mr nice guy?

3. Go to the library and pick up a copy of "Codependent no more" and "Married man sex life primer" and read them.

4. Google "Toxic parents pdf", it's a great book available online for free, it might help you tremendously.

5. How old are your kids approximately?

6. Please, ask your counsellor if (s)he knows of a good children's counsellor and get your girls into counselling ASAP! It will help them tremendously.

7. Have you told the toxic friend's husband? He's at risk of contracting a life-altering STD and he deserves to know, regardless of the impact on you. Are you willing to sacrifice/risk his health for your own benefit?

8. Do you have a VAR on you at all times?

9. Invite a friend or a relative to stay with you in the house until you move out. It will help lower the tensions and it will all but eliminate the danger of her falsely accusing you of domestic violence.

We're here for you, so don't hesitate to post!

Best wishes


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

The gall of some people. He's going to lecture you about destroying families? Hahahaha. Let's see how long they stay together when the big house and high lifestyle go away. Oh and when he has to help raise kids.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

HobbesTheTiger said:


> Hi. First of all, I wanted to say that I'm proud of you for bouncing back from all this and handling this so well!
> 
> A couple of questions/advice:
> 1. How is your therapy going?
> ...



1. I've only been to two sessions so far since I've been traveling. I have an appt next week. The first two sessions were used to tell the sickening story of our relationship. Even the therapist was shocked. 

2. I have read no more mr nice guy. A while back when we were together but I could sense her distancing. It was a good read for me. I made some changes that actually got her attention in a positive way. I will read it again, particularly before getting involved in another relationship. 

5. My kids are 10, 8 and 5. All girls. My heart breaks for them. 

6. I'm already looking into counseling for the kids. Luckily my work EAP program provides 3 free sessions per kid. 

7. I have not told toxic friends husband. It actually has not been on my mind lately. But I am now still contemplating. It would at least give him the upper hand. From what I understand she is now planning on leaving him, probably after the holidays. 

8. No, but great idea. 

9. I already moved out into an apt. I will be with my kids at my old house during my weekends until I can get furniture and beds for them at the apt. When I'm at the house my stbxw leaves for the weekend. Minimal interaction.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> The gall of some people. He's going to lecture you about destroying families? Hahahaha. Let's see how long they stay together when the big house and high lifestyle go away. Oh and when he has to help raise kids.


Seriously, the balls on this guy. He also said, "don't you want her to be happy?" He claimed that we are both men and that we can work this out amicably. He is a child, not a man. A real man would never mess with another mans family. I know I would never go there. Never.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

finallyready said:


> He is a child, not a man.


Exactly.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

finallyready said:


> Seriously, the balls on this guy. He also said, "don't you want her to be happy?" *He claimed that we are both men and that we can work this out amicably.* He is a child, not a man. A real man would never mess with another mans family. I know I would never go there. Never.


I know it boggles the mind. Talk about LaLa Land. 

When I confronted the OM on the phone, he was like... "I guess you weren't doing your Job?" I informed him that his wife was glad to finally know the truth about her cheating husband. This wasn't his 1st affair (email are forever, so sorry). While painful she thank me for letting her know. 

The next thing he's says floored me. "You told my wife?"... "Why?"... "What about MAN LAW?". 

I responded... You Fu-k my wife, Fu-k with my life, and question my response? Not only was my a lying serial cheater, she was cheating with an Idiot!

:scratchhead:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

finallyready said:


> Seriously, the balls on this guy. He also said, "don't you want her to be happy?" He claimed that we are both men and that we can work this out amicably. He is a child, not a man. A real man would never mess with another mans family. I know I would never go there. Never.


Dude, that ain't balls -- that's the kind of abject stupidity that typically requires a bib, a drool cup, and a life preserver.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LOL.

Man Law? LOLOLOLOL. I didn't know it applied to cheating with my spouse. I thought that's when the phrase "all bets are off" applied.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Dude, that ain't balls -- that's the kind of abject stupidity that typically requires a bib, a drool cup, and a life preserver.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And something to make him spit chicklets...


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Thanks for the reply. You're handling this really well! Please, talk to us as often as you feel like it, we're here for you.


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