# Classification of what happened while apart?



## sobriquet (Mar 26, 2013)

I've been lurking for a while, reading, harvesting wisdom from other peoples stories and the responses of others.

I finally signed up. I may post my full story with details at some point, but I'll just give a brief background for the sake of my question. Was with gf for almost 6 years, we were younger, in our 20's (I'm older by a few years). I understand we weren't married but I have similar feelings and responses as most of the other BS's I have read.

After several years (about 4 I think) I found out about one EA, there was a lot of struggle but she eventually gave him up and had noticeable withdrawal symptoms (it went out about 3-4 months with a former friend of hers who I did now know, I know nothing physical happened as he didn't live close). Things normalized after a while, then found out about another short EA with a co-worker about a year or so later, which lasted a few weeks before I found out, she lied once that she'd stop talking to him, she was caught again about a week later then actually stopped (as far as I know, I was told it was never physical), she didn't seem to withdrawal this time.

Finally, we were then apart for 4 months (almost a year ago now) because she went away for school, during this time she was talking to one of her classmates (which I suspected) then broke up with me just prior to coming home from the trip. Shortly after she was home I found out she actually slept with the guy a few days prior to breaking up with me. Yes, she does seem like a serial cheater, and I'm sure most advice would be to run for the hills, but let me continue.

We were apart during the summer, after I found out she physically cheated, I blew up, I still wasn't fully over the prior EA. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and to leave me alone. I would then wake up to/or receive loving text messages several times a week. She did not want to get back together, but she was keeping me emotionally on the leash. This happened all summer, and we did hang out a few times over the summer, which was difficult for me, with periods of me trying to be strong ignoring her messages in between, but usually caving and hanging out eventually. This happened all summer.

Around September after a hang out I finally said I couldn't do it anymore and I needed to be out of her life, I couldn't just be a friend because I didn't see her that way and it was too hard to try. This time I knew inside I meant it, I was torn to shreds, partly because I knew she was still talking to the guy she cheated on me with while she was away, but also because I had no idea what was going on in her life at all (other guys could be in her life, and in fact I did know she slept with one guy about 3 weeks after coming home, that was all I knew at that point). I was not doing this to try and get her back, I truly needed to let go and move on.

She kept messaging but I had no contact with her for about 3 months, around Christmas I responded and we began to hang out again. We are now trying at R, I am dealing with what feels like an impossible situation, until she finally came clean a week ago it still felt like pulling teeth for everything, and like I giving more, even though she came back and wanted to try. She came clean about what happened over the summer. She slept with multiple guys, most just one time (ONS type of sex, but she knew all the guys).

I have two main questions I suppose. First, even though we were technically broken up, she was keeping me emotionally in her back pocket the entire time, I don't think she wanted me to move on, and she made it very hard on me even while apart. I feel cheated on with every guy from the summer even though she was "single". I was being texted, being told how much she loved and missed me, wanted to see me, be with me ... literally in-between sexual encounters with other guys. Am I out-of-bounds for feeling this way? I feel like the guys she was with over the summer need to be out of her life completely just as if they were a guy she cheated on me with while we were dating, to have any chance at rebuilding trust. They can't be friends, FB friends, contacts in her phone, she should be avoiding places/parties she knows they will be.

Second, while she came clean it came up she slept with at least one of them in her bed, and hooked up with another (although not sex) other times in her bed. I now have intense anxiety about being in her room/bed. I haven't been in her room since she came clean about a week ago, but I have issues just thinking about it. I don't know how long I can avoid going there, but again since she was technically single, are my reactions overboard?

Thanks.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Executive summary:

She explored her other options, while keeping you on the back burner. Nothing promising ever materialized with other men, as they didn't see the value that you find in her. She decided that you'd do for now.

Chances though, based on her past behavior, if someone enticing shows up on the radar, she'll drop you like a hot potato.

The situation has a valuable lesson for you though: noone but you found her worth to have around. Maybe you should take it as a hint.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Given that she kept you around as her Plan B, no...your reaction isn't overboard.

Get out now. Don't let the cycle continue. Don't fall for the puppy dog eyes or the crocodile tears. Block her number. Change yours if you need to. Block her email address. Block her on Facebook. Block any and all means she has of contacting you. If she shows up at your door tell her you'll call the police for her trespassing if she doesn't leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I think the stuff that happened while you were together is much much more ghastly...


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

It's been my experience that in a relationships formative years if these problems are present they will most certainly continue with worsening consequences. There are faithful people out there, that deserve your love and trust friend..I'd hit the high road and even more..change my number..if she continues pestering..PPO.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

In ways it appears like she views you more as a friend then a dating friend. I delt with this once the girl wanted my friendship cause she thought we were best friends and had a hard time letting me go because she felt like she was losing her best friend. Really there was not sexual interested in me. What she has done to you sounds pretty spot on to what this girl was doing to me. She knew what i wanted and would just dangle it out there enough to keep me hopeful so she could still have her best friend. She tended to act more into me when she didn't have a guy she was interested in. 

But some were down the line it gonna burn you again. She shows she has no moral compass and if she happens to find someone that trips her trigger she is pretty likely to act on it and only care about what she wants and not give you a 2nd thought. I hope you see that and save yourself.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You are not out of line. Not at all. She, on the other hand, was waaaaay out of line. Even if you get back together and all goes well for several years, either she, or they, will want to reminesce for old times sakes, innocently (maybe) at first. 

But they all have the impression that she's easy. And they're not mistaken. Oh, she probably had sex with the coworker too. She doesn't want to admit it because you weren't broken up at that time. She's been shopping around and trying other guys on for size or pleasure.

Block her phone and put her email addy on your spam filter. Move on.


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## btdt (Nov 19, 2012)

It sounds like she is more FWB material rather than girlfriend material. If you're going to keep her in your life, she needs to be your Plan B (or C).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

find someone better. If you get back together, you'll always be chasing the threat of someone else.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I forgot to add: go to church and thank God and his angels that you didn't marry this mess of a woman. Your grief would be much more that it is now.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> I forgot to add: go to church and thank God and his angels that you didn't marry this mess of a woman. Your grief would be much more that it is now.


:iagree: Can I get an amen?!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Number of Pre-Marital Partners

Percent Who Cheated Once Married



2

10.4%



3

14.9%



4

17.7%



5

21.6%



6-10

26.0%



11-20

36.7%



21+

46.8%


Many people here believe that a person needs to get out, see the world, have multiple sex partners so they will be satisfied after marriage with one person. This study shows that to be untrue.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dump her.

She has never viewed you as a priority, but as a plan b. in fact it's worse than that because she gave higher priority to random guys she was picking up than she did to you.

Notice none of the ONS guys thought enough about her to try to make it more? They saw her for what she is.

Now she's tired of the work of going out and hooking up, so maybe she'll give you a spin.

I'd move on and seek someone who from day one found me to be interesting and someone to be passionate about, not someone I'm settling for.

She's also a serial cheater, a serial ONS hook up chick, which means she has a very low threshold before shell hop in to bed with a guy, which also means she's likely going to cheat on you any times with many guys if you do try it with her.

With her your getting the demo car from the dealership, many have driven it, but none have found it worth buying. Why would you settle for that demo model especially when you know she honestly doesn't feel much in the way of passion for you? I say that because if she did have that passion for you, she would have been chasing you and not having EAs/PAs with guys. Obviously she really isn't into you.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

She has insecurity issues written all over her.. she finds her selfworth by spreading her legs... 

Meanwhile, the dudes she hooks up with are getting exactly what they want.. laid. 

She clearly has cheapened her value over the summer.. 

Unless you have esteem issues yourself, why would you take her back?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Why does it matter what happened when you were apart? You knew what you had to do, get her out of your life, but what did you do? You hung around until finally her little flings were over and she had her nice little fall back to err fall back on.

You even know she was banging dudes in her bed...

She's a girlfriend, why are you trying to R, you're not even close to being married.

What value do you place on yourself not to be treated like a doormat? To have enough self respect, that even after being cheated on, knowing she's going out and hooking up..telling you she loves and wants to be with you before sleeping with other men, to want and need to deserve better?

Do you think she respects you?

Do you think she loves you?

A man so pliable, and so malleable that even after multiple cheating he still has no manhood to let go back invites her back into his life.

Honestly dude, you can't then complain later on when you stroke the snake and it bites you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

sobriquet said:


> I feel cheated on with every guy from the summer even though she was "single". I was being texted, *being told how much she loved and missed me, wanted to see me, be with me ... literally in-between sexual encounters with other guys.* Am I out-of-bounds for feeling this way? I feel like the guys she was with over the summer need to be out of her life completely just as if they were a guy she cheated on me with while we were dating, to have any chance at rebuilding trust. They can't be friends, FB friends, contacts in her phone, she should be avoiding places/parties she knows they will be.


Regardless the classification it speaks volumes about who she is. She has no issues cheating on you (EA1, EA2, ONS before breaking up) and the stringing you along while she was having fun on the side. This capacity won't vanish in the smoke, she can pull it every times it suits her.
I highly suspect you don't know more than the tip of icerberg.

I'd say dishonesty fit her well.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sobriquet said:


> I've been lurking for a while, reading, harvesting wisdom from other peoples stories and the responses of others.
> 
> I finally signed up. I may post my full story with details at some point, but I'll just give a brief background for the sake of my question. Was with gf for almost 6 years, we were younger, in our 20's (I'm older by a few years). I understand we weren't married but I have similar feelings and responses as most of the other BS's I have read.
> 
> ...


She broke up with you, but you LET her keep you hanging on. That's not very nice of her, but we can already see that this is a very selfish woman. You should have been smart enough to see what she was doing.

Nevertheless, she did break up with you and have sex with other guys, then decide to come back to you. You were heartbroken when she broke up with you and, before you were over your heartbreak, she came back to you to try to work it out. I think anyone in your position is going to feel a lot of resentment for those guys she slept with and is going to NOT want to be reminded of them by looking at her room, her bed, and especially by hearing and seeing her keep in contact with them. Anyone with any small amount of empathy would be able to see this and would not want to put you in that position. Unless, of course, you are just some casual thing that she thought she would give another shot, no big deal if it doesn't work. If that's the way she feels, you've got to re-evaluate what you are doing with her.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

When people show you who they are, believe them. She has repeatedly proven she is a serial cheater, and you are a glutton for punishment. 

If you are determined to reconcile, then she must absolutely have No Contact with any of the former FWB's. 

You are familiar with the definition of insanity, aren't you?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm convinced that this is what a lot of people do in their 20's, flex their romantic muscle and sample what's out there. My fiancé who got caught up with a 20 something woman as an EA outed himself when saying" I was really surprised that she had a boyfriend and could still take a trip with me."

I would put this situation with your ex gf down as experience. think about what you want in the next relationship and what kind of intermediate boundaries you plan that you and she observe.

The reason that I use the term "intermediate" is because the road to a PA starts with "inappropriate" behavior and it's best to stop things at that point.

I used to be open minded my self about male female relationships, but once get screwed a few times, you want to start the next relationship on the right foot and with the right boundaries.

Read some of the other threads.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't know what the "classification" is for your past, but I'm really struggling with why you're going back for more punishment? Why not find someone to date who you don't have such a painful history with?

C


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Dude, run for your life! This woman is so far from marriage/gf material I don't even know where to begin.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

If you date while you're separated I don't view it as a cardinal sin. I just don't. I know people here will disagree but that's how I work.

But if you separate for the sake of dating someone else, you're a wretch in my eyes.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Vanguard said:


> *If you date while you're separated I don't view it as a cardinal sin.* I just don't. I know people here will disagree but that's how I work.
> 
> But if you separate for the sake of dating someone else, you're a wretch in my eyes.


It's not a cardinal sin for the gf in this scenario to date around. However, we are pointing out to the OP that that kind of behavior says nothing good about any relationship the two of them may have in the future. In other words, we are teaching him good boundaries.


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## donkey_punch (Jan 15, 2013)

Ask yourself what you want and what you are willing to do to archieve it.

You want to marry her?
yes. Forgive all the sperm she milked and move on. Expect similar behavior while being married.
No, dump and move on.
You just want sex with her?
Yes, do it while you can enjoy it (rubber plz)
No, dump and move on.
You want to be her bff?
Yes, Pretend like nothing happened and go shopping with her.
No, dump her and move on.
You want to have a healthy relationship with possible marriage?
Yes, try another woman.


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## sobriquet (Mar 26, 2013)

First off, thank you for all the responses, this was more than I expected, I wasn’t home last night to keep up. To clarify, we have been trying to R for the last month or so. It’s been much harder on my side, obviously. At times it seems like it could be worth it, other times I know I can’t handle all the stress associated with trying. All of the responses were helpful, some hurtful but necessary for me to read, I appreciate the honesty.



snap said:


> Executive summary:
> Chances though, based on her past behavior, if someone enticing shows up on the radar, she'll drop you like a hot potato.
> 
> The situation has a valuable lesson for you though: noone but you found her worth to have around. Maybe you should take it as a hint.


While she seems very invested now, I agree that it is likely in the future her behavior will probably repeat itself, especially if she gets bored. Apparently a couple of the guys wanted more with her and she didn’t want more, but at least one of the guys she wanted more with, and he didn’t want more. Again, who knows what to believe.



Shadow_Nirvana said:


> I think the stuff that happened while you were together is much much more ghastly...


I agree, I just wish I was totally left alone while we were broken up. I didn’t initiate contact with her once since the day I found out about the PA.



ody360 said:


> In ways it appears like she views you more as a friend then a dating friend.


I’ve questioned this in the past. She finds me attractive, I’m her type physically, but I question her sexual attraction at times. Also I agree she has shown to have little moral compass, at least when it conflicts with what she wants.



dubsey said:


> find someone better. If you get back together, you'll always be chasing the threat of someone else.


I feel like this now, I guess I was hoping it might subside eventually, but maybe it never will.



Shaggy said:


> Dump her.
> 
> She has never viewed you as a priority, but as a plan b. in fact it's worse than that because she gave higher priority to random guys she was picking up than she did to you.
> 
> I say that because if she did have that passion for you, she would have been chasing you and not having EAs/PAs with guys. Obviously she really isn't into you.


During the first few years of our relationship I was definitely a priority, and even after the first EA I became a priority again. However, since the second EA I haven’t felt like a priority, and for whatever reason, love … who knows, she remained one to me. I also question how much she is really in to me, I was her first love, she had relationships prior to me, but I was her first serious long-term relationship, so she can seem very convincing when telling me how much I matter to her, but like many have said, they are just words, not actions.



Ostera said:


> She clearly has cheapened her value over the summer..
> 
> Unless you have esteem issues yourself, why would you take her back?


I very well may have self esteem issues at this point. I never did in the past, but she has kind of broken me down over the years. I guess I’m still figuring myself out, I never thought these kinds of things would happen to me, I thought I was a better judge of character, I sorta blame myself for putting myself in the situation, even though it were her actions that hurt me.



BobSimmons said:


> Do you think she respects you?
> 
> Do you think she loves you?
> 
> ...


Harsh stuff Bob but thank you, I needed to read that stuff, it hits home.

I believe she loves me, but she has to have other issues that allow her to treat me how she has. She can’t respect me based on her actions. I know I’ve been a doormat/pushover to her, but it’s weird because I’m not like that for anyone else in my life.  I’ve cut people out of my life for much less. I love her, it’s real, it’s been real, and because of that I allow much more than I should. I guess I want to believe she really learned something over the summer, she claims she realizes how great I am and how she never really understood just how different I am from most guys. However I feel she could have learned this without all the sex, it could be just her telling me what she knows will make me feel better, and I probably just want to believe it even though I should just be focused on her actions. You are right though, if it bites me again, it is completely my fault.



Will_Kane said:


> She broke up with you, but you LET her keep you hanging on. That's not very nice of her, but we can already see that this is a very selfish woman. You should have been smart enough to see what she was doing.


I agree that I need to take responsibility in this as well, I should have been stronger and kept her out of my life when she tried to come back. Her actions have always shown selfish tendencies, I don’t know why I thought this might be different. While I had made the choice to move on in September, I was not “over” the relationship when she started to try and come back in late December, which just set another bomb off in my head. I guess I’m still very confused about everything … even though logically, looking at all the facts, there should be no confusion.

I’ve got to run for now, I’ll try and respond directly to more posts later. Thanks again for the advice. Some of the responses are definitely a reality check for me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, I don't know you or her personally,but I'm old enough to have seen in others and in my own life what you've gone through with her.

And based on that I strongly advise 100% for you to dump her and move on because this roller coaster ride is not going to end well.

She fundamentally lacks that deep passion you need to have for a long term successful marriage. If she did then she would have been chasing you hard all this time both emotionally and physically.

Her EAs show she is missing something from you that she wants.

He PAs show she was still eager to test drive a bunch of men, because you did not have the "thing" that made her feel squishy inside and passionate to have you.

She's now settling for you because you are safe, you are reliable.

Yet inside she's still wanting stuff that she doesn't feel with you, sort of a basic level of animal attraction. How this will end is either she will find the guy who does spark with her before you get married, and she will leave you. OR she will marry you and you will find down the road that she is cheating.

Oh, she might not cheat in the first years of marriage, but when she hits the 30-45 range and she starts to realize that she settled for you, she will begin to look elsewhere for validation and excitement, and she will end up cheating.

The smartest thing you can do is to see this pattern that has played out for so many men and not fall for it.

When you date a person they are at their most passionate and invested in being attractive to get you. Ask yourself if this has been her at her peak, are you willing to settle for giving her your life and faithfulness when she's down to 25% as in to you?

It's hard I know, she's saying the right things, she's giving you sex, so you feel like you are throwing away something real.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Let me tell you something pal, of course it's real, all feelings are real. I was with a girl, dude I would have walked a mile on hot coals if a situation requiring me to walk over a mile of hot coals was ever needed  You get what I'm saying, I would have done anything for her. 

The moments we had together were real, real laughs, real conversations, mutual interests, chemistry and yes love but she was cheating on me from the beginning, not everyday but once every while, nothing suspicious and she covered it up very well.

I questioned everything, poured over a lot of the moments we shared and they were real. I believe you can compartmentalize a lot of emotions, even suppress guilt, it's what makes us such good liars. When we were together she might have loved me but when we were apart she clearly put that to one side and went about her business. In the end you have to say it's just not good enough. Love doesn't start and stop when you walk out the door or when you meet someone and shove your partner into the darkest corners of your mind.

Be wary. Ignoring the warnings will only hurt you in the end.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

its not a reconciliation, your another emotional and physical fling. your just one of the other men she is seeing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

sobriquet said:


> ... but at least one of the guys she wanted more with, and he didn’t want more. ...


And she's so good at telling you what you want to hear because she rehearsed it with at least this one guy. It didn't work on him but she's got you on the hook. maybe she'll reel you in where she missed with him.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Change your phone number, move if you have to, just get her completely out of your life once and for all. Don't worry about her, she'll move on real quick, that's been shown.

Do you want to be happy? Or do you like being with someone you can never trust? Wanna keep looking over your shoulder for the rest of her life? Prepared to be called "controlling and jealous", because women like this follow distinct patterns.

You have been through enough BS with this tramp to know it's not a good life-plan for you to attempt R with her. She is a horrible girlfriend...she won't "change", so be happy you have seen her true colors.

Look back at this one day as a real eye-opening experience.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are Plan B and it's working well for her.

Do you really want to spend years, or the rest of your life, with someone you can't trust (and, believe me, you can't)?

You made a big mistake letting her back in your life. Don't let her stay there.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sobriquet said:


> for whatever reason, love … who knows, she remained one to me.


I looked for the description of the riveting love story, the amazing compatability, the deep emotional connection and shared vision of the future...

and this is all you gave me. 

This doesn't sound like someone you are enthusiastic about marrying even if she was faithful.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

The real issue is, she did stuff WHEN they weren't broke up.
Then she continued the SAME behavior WHEN they broke up.

So, that is his answer. Her behavior is the same with or with out her BF, regardless of her apologies. He needs to decide if that's how he wants to live. Sure people change, but I'm not sticking around to find out with that kind of proof.


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