# More pain than I can take



## dudley (Oct 29, 2011)

I


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I just read through your thread. We have so many similarities in our stories. I too, have chosen to forgive and move on. My husband cheated on me after 26 years of marriage. We also, met young, raised 2 children together, etc. This is so out of character for him, it completely blew me away! We are now in a better place in our relationship than we have ever been. I am so thankful for that. This has changed both of us, and really caused me to "wake up" as well. I'm like you. I've forgiven him and I'm not holding it over his head. I am trying to move on. I truly believe it's getting some better. I have felt talking about it on here and talking it out with him and made it at least easier to bear. You can do it!!! It will get better. hang in there.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not let her ever tell you to just forget and move on.

You are absolutes right to be angry and devastated. Everything you feel is ok and normal to feel.

You need to find a hood therapist to help you work through your feelings of betrayal and anger. You need to come to terms with them.

On your wife's side. She needs to discover how to earn you trust and love back. She showed she wasn't worthy of those feelings when she had the long term affair. She of course wants to rug sweep and move on by forgetting it.

This is just about the worst thing to do. It will leave all your feelings undealt with and it will basically tell her that there are no consequences for her cheating.

I recommend that she must give you full access to ALL her text, email and phone mmediately.

You may want to have her take a polygraph to verify her story, and that there are no other affairs.

She needs to get busy proving herself worthy again of your trust. Right now she isn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dudley (Oct 29, 2011)

Hi KK, how did you manage to overcome all your anger and hurt, how long did it take to pull your life back into a shape you could at least keep going


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm confused, is this one affair or two different times?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Regardless of what happens to the marriage, it is imperative that you get yourself into individual counseling/therapy and go see a doctor. You have children that NEED their father and it is your responsibility to do everything in your power to be there for them by making the choice to emotionally heal from your wife's betrayal no matter what it takes.

You are not alone, we have been where you are and we know that if we can overcome one of the worst experiences a human being can experience in this life, that you can make it as well.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Your post is filled with self balme abd excuses for your wife. You cannot recover, IMO, until you get it straight. You had nothing to do with her cheating and she actively sought this out.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles had been reversed do you think she would have been as accepting as you have been? I have a hunch that your wife engaged in this long term sexual affair because she knew she could get away with it and if found out you would fall all over yourself to forgive her. She was putting your health at risk for STD's. I hope you both have been checked. By the way all cheating spouses minimize their affair and only tell you it was a few sexual encounters. I am sorry for you that she has disrespected and humiliated you so badly. You deserve better.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

[To *Shaggy*: If you are referring to me saying.."just forget it and move on". that's not what I'm implying. I am completely devastated by my husband's emotional and sexual affair. But, I have made a conscience decision to try and move on from this and make the best of my marriage. I know it's not possible in all situations, but in mine, I'm giving it a chance.

To: *Dudley:* Your thread name is exactly how I feel. It's be debilitating for me. I had a melt down last night. I cried for hours. I have experienced everything you are going through. I have lost weight, can't sleep without taking something, cried, had constant stomach issues...etc. I'm not making light of what we have been through. I have gotten some great support on here and everyone has encouraged me. I am fortunate that my husband has talked to me, that he didn't deny the affair and we are working through it. That's alot better than most have experienced. Don't feel that what you are going through isn't normal. I questioned the same thing. 
I'm trying so hard to focus on the positives. That's not easy. I have good days and bad days. It's only been 2 months since this happened. My husband's affair began on August 8th and I became aware on August 19th. I confronted him on August 21st. I just keep telling myself, that I'm in a better place than I was then. Hopefully, I'll be in a better place tomorrow. 
Do some things for yourself. I've been trying that. It helps sometimes. I'm not a drinker and never have been. I was so tempted when I found this out. I even stood in the aisle at the grocery store and looked at all the bottles. I eventually walked away in confusion, because I didn't know one thing from another. I'm glad I didn't now. 
I have has severe physical pain from this, but it's getting better each day. To my advantage, my husband has begged for forgiveness and treated me wonderfully. Others may say it's just because he doesn't want to divide our finances, I laugh at that, because we are comfortable, but by no means wealthy. I'm choosing to believe it's because he wants to work on our marriage. So when I say "hang in there" I mean that as encouragement. And to answer your question....I don't know how I'm coping, I just am. I take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. That's all I can do.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I do agree with bryanp. We do deserve better than they've given us. And if my role was reversed, I know that my husband wouldn't have responded as I have. I feel I've gained more by reacting the way that I have, then if I degraded and treated him like dirt. It's happened and I can't change it. So....what are my options? My options are that I want my husband. I want my family together. I want to try and make it work. That's what you have to decide. It's not wrong it you can't get over it. You have every right to forget her and start a new life. What I'm finding is, I can't have both. I either need to forgive and work on my marriage or divorce him and start a new life. I'm choosing my first option. I can't live in the "in between". I have to have closure. Everyone is different.


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## dudley (Oct 29, 2011)

Thank you so much KK for sharing your pain, I know exactly where you are at, it really helps to hear that I am not by myself no this. Forgiveness is for hero's not losers, it is the hardest route to take, I know well! I love my wife and my two beautiful kids, I am not going to give this up easily especially after this happened such a long time ago. She made the biggest mistake of her life and knows it well, I am not about to make mine now. If I divorce my wife I will lose everything and the next person I meet could do the same thing to me! I am not trying to apologise and find reasons my wife did this horrible thing but we are all human and we all make mistakes, god knows I have plenty. I will get to the place I want to be in, it is just so hard at the moment. I did actually sleep for 7 hours last night, first time in weeks, (sleeping tablet aided!!). But still progress


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

When you really love someone, you don't ever stop loving them.

Your pain is because the person you love, your wife, has betrayed you, disrespected and humiliated you. She violated your trust. The cheater doesn't experience your unrelenting pain. 

Cheating is abusive. You have been greatly harmed like many LS here on TAM. That's why you are having great difficulty dealing with this. 

In your favour, both of you want to work on saving the marriage and you are under the same roof..for the moment. This is good because the cheater sees your pain. Others leave and the cheater moves on without ever witnessing the train wreck left behind. Such cheater types are much worse and the LS has greater difficulty recovering because the LS has nothing. Like a jigsaw puzzle you have the picture, other LS are left totally in the dark with no picture, or any pieces to even try and complete the puzzle. 

Hopefully you have the whole story (picture) and not trickle truth. Trickle truth blows away any hope of trust further down the line.


There is one big problem in your story, however. Blame. You must stop blaming yourself for the affair. Your wife has to own that all by herself. Whilst there may have been unmet needs on both sides, cheating, there is absolutely no excuse for it.

As the cheater, she has to do the heavy lifting to save your marriage from the divorce courts. 

Treat her not as your enemy but, as friend who failed miserably in tackling an issue head on. She does wants to restore the friendship, repair your broken marriage and that's better than having someone who walks off, moves on and doesn't care about witnessing the track wreck left behind. 

This is much too big to deal with on your own. You may need third party help to recover from her infidelity.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Wow! I don't even know your wife and you have me convinced that this amazing woman was dragged, kicking and screaming, into an affair, through the acts of a nefarious fiend, and through your mental cruelties. As long as the narrative stays the same, where you take too much of the blame, and don't acknowledge that she let this happen, this anger will continue to simmer. And if you continue in the marriage, it'll blow up when things are not that great again.

It takes both of you to make a marriage work. You sound like a great man, but one who was stressed by the reality of life in the modern world. Why didn't she help you come out of this fog, instead of escaping into another man's arms? Why didn't she turn the obvious truth of the affair into a wakeup call at that time?

I'm not suggesting that you should lash out and act on these feelings of anger. Just accept what happened, hold her accountable for betraying the marriage, and get true reconciliation if this is what you want.


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## dudley (Oct 29, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dudley (Oct 29, 2011)

What she did to me was about the most horrible thing anyone could do to a spouse. It was her choice to do this, we had issues and she took this route, I have well stoped feeling guilty over this now, this was a big step forward for me. There are circumstances why people cheat but absolutely no excuses whatsoever! My wife is struggling with her actions and has had to see first hand what this has done to me and rightly so. Anger only destroys the person who has to carry this, I need to lose this for me not my wife. I need to get my life back on track and be happy for me. I have chosen to forgive my wife and move on, two wrongs don't make a right. I have had 6 weeks of soul searching on all fronts, this has been the hardest thing I have had to come to terms with in my life so far, i am not trying to sound selfrighteous believe me but I think this has made me a better person although I have a tough long road ahead of me, forgiveness does not equal i will forget any time soon. My wife has plenty of work to do to get my trust and respect back, words are good but it has to be put into practice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm sorry if my post sounds cruel - that was not the intent. A few months back, when I saw a therapist, she mentioned that men are often very quick to blame ourselves for anything that is wrong in the marriage, well beyond our actual cause. Why do you think women initiate divorce more often? There have to be reasons behind this that do not attribute it to just the women in these marriages. This therapist had a good point, although many will disagree. Some of us men instinctively consider ourselves responsible for the marriage, and hence, blame ourselves for the problems. Sure, there is another whole set of people who brush 20 years of being a bad husband aside when dismayed that the marriage suddenly crumbled, but you don't sound like this type of person. You love your wife, and want to do what's right. To you, cheating would be the last thing you would ever do to deal with a troubled marriage, so I'm only suggesting that you should hold her to the same standard. It just sounded like your doubts about your own blame allowed you to take a double portion of hurt for a while, and its really sad to see a good man put himself through this.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

So sorry for your problems, but if you continue to ignore this you are only asking for more and more of the same problems. Read the posts on this forum you will soon understand what I mean, as it happens over and over, spouse discovers WS had an affair, decides to just "try and get over it" no confrontation, no discussion. Only to have the same problem pop up again. What you say in your own post about the years leading up to Dday. You didnt discuss you didnt meet each others needs....hows that worked for you so far? She betrayed you, she chose to have sex with another man while married to you. Ive got a $100 bucks that said take how many times she said multiply it by 10 and you will still be on the low side. Time to seek counseling, time to save your marriage, if that is what you want. My x didnt even want to try and save our marriage, she just wanted to leave our 30 years in the dirt. You are more fortunate than I, at least on the surface your WS wants to save your marriage, take your best shot now why you can. Read the posts on this forum, post your thoughts, questions, concerns. A lot of great people here, a lot of wisdom. A LOT OF HELP. but help starts with you, you must seek it, you must be proactive.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I admire you, Dudley. You and I are in the same situation and I feel the exact same way. We, too, had numerous problems in our relationship. Although, I do not feel it was right that my husband did this to me, I understand why he did it. I'm not giving him a pass, I'm just saying we were at the lowest point in our 26 years of marriage. While I understand, why he did it, I still ask "how" could you do it? I've asked him "how could you do this to me". There is no answer for that. 
I'm glad you are on the right track with this. I think I am too. There is alot of advice out there, but ultimately, we are the only ones who can decide what's right for us. We have to live with the decisions we make. No one is living in our exact situation, therefore, they can't tell us what to do. Only we truly know our spouses and what we think it happening with them. 
So, all of that said; hang in there. I've had 3 great days in a row!!! We've had a great weekend. Tomorrow may be bad again, but I know there's the next day that can be better. At least our spouses are willing to work on this with us. At least they have talked with us and told us what's going on. I would rather risk getting hurt again than losing my husband and my family. Not everyone feels that way and it's ok if they don't. That's my choice for now. 

I hope you have a really good day!!!!


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## dudley (Oct 29, 2011)

K.K you are so right, until you walk the path we have you can never understand, every situation is different. Today has been a really good day for me, the best since the shattering news, I think partly because of your sharing your experiences with me, thank you so much. 
We have found the book below to be of tremendous help in understanding what happened and why and what we need to work on as a couple to restore our relationship, I would highly recommend this
Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-proof Your Marriage by Solomon, Steven D.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks, Dudley. We had a good day too!. I hope things continue to go well for you. I will definitely check out the book. I started to dwell on things today when we passed a billboard of the restaurant where my husband met this women. I stopped myself and DECIDED to not let it ruin my day, and I didn't.We enjoyed each other's company, and I have to admit, I love how he is treating me. He is treating me the way I've longed to be treated for all of our married life. I'm not saying I'm glad this happened, but I'm trying so hard to make some good come from it. 

Have a good evening, Dudley.


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