# Am I trying too hard? Should I back off a little?



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Me and my wife have been married for about 2 and a half years...she's a very happy, cheerful woman, a little shy and most of the time I initiate sex....we both work, although I work a little more hours, we both take care of house hold chores...we dont have any kids...
Pretty much there's a reason that I'm on here right now and not with her trying to talk through our problems...because I've done that many many times...too many times...problem I feel has always been me being frustrated about her lack of initiating not only sex, but any intimacy...when we first dated she was constantly begging for kisses, hugs, she constantly gave me massages, kissed my ears, sucked on my fingers, she would in public made it real obvious that we're lovers by wanting to be kissed, acting real cute, and often kinda biting my should/arm(in a cute way) so I guess all those were signs of her being in love with me and wanting affection..well those things are all gone...now when we get home it's only me coming after her for affection, she wont sit down on my lap, hardly ever kiss me unless I kiss her first...seems like I am initiating any kind of intimacy in our relationship...although she still leaves me little notes for lunches, every once in a while she will do some of those things I mentioned but mostly it's routine now, not that in love excitement anymore...until this past valentines day..
We had a real good weekend, went out, had a couple real good nights in bed, and during the day she was being all cute, cuddly, and horny with me again...but it only lasts for a few days..then it's back to normal..back to me feeling crazy for her and me not feeling that from her...
I may not be the typical guy at all cuz I love me and my wife being crazy all over each other all the time...and she was that way for the whole year before we were married, and about 6 months into marriage...then it wore off..for her...for me I'm constantly craving more...when we make love it's usually me making love to her..not us both makin love...I always make her orgasm, but afterwards she falls asleep on me....often when I am in the mood for sex in the evening she shows no interest at all...so I begin massaging her which she loves...but next thing she starts snoring...so I just continue massaging her without getting any intimacy out of her....in the morning, twice this week I gave her a 15 minute massage...which again she loved..but that's it..she just absorbs it and that's it.....I know I shouldn't expect love in return from her...I do these things cuz I do love her like crazy...but she isn't crazy for me this way at all....I make love to every part on her body, and sometimes I wish she showed the same kind of affection to me...I can easily stay up all night and make love to her but she just cant keep up.....but it's not all about sex...it's like this with anything we do, always I'm trying to please her...sometimes I think I'm being too nice to her...should I just start being me and not worry about her so much? Just let it be? I stopped talking to her about my job cuz whenever I first started talking to her about it she would start yawning, just seems like she dont give a **** about what I feel, what I want, need....all I want is for us to have a totally open relationship her telling me her needs and me being able to tell her mine and her wanting to please me as much as I want to please her....
My bad for just rambling on here, I'm just a little frustrated, I've got a few threads about our sex life in a different section on this site...it all seems tied together.....I cant share me deep feelings with her so I may as well say it on here.....it's actually better this way I think...constantly having heart to hearts brings out way too much drama in a relationship anyways...should I just be totally casual? Stop trying to figure her out? How can I get her to chase me or at least be crazy the way she was at first?

I wanna add that whenever we go to sleep I hold her, which she loves, she loves any kind of me holding her, caressing her...touching her...however when I touch her sexually she seems somewhat annoyed but wont admit it....at first it drove her crazy she loved it...she very rarely touches me this way..if she only does a little I feel unbelievable but get very frustrated when it doesn't happen again....but I've stopped complaining to her about the lack of affection..like I said I feel too many heart to hearts are no good..at least not for her...overall I'm wondering if I stop showing how much I love her either by being less protective...intimate..sexually intimate with her will that open her eyes? Would she start wondering? We've gone like that for a couple weeks and just seems to drift us apart...what do I do? According to her we got no problems...according to me, we got enough to write a novel.

thanks for reading through my long post...any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I would try to get really deep with you, but to be honest it sounds like your relationship is fine. Seems like you have a stronger sex drive then she does and that happens people change over time things slow down sometimes faster for one than the other.

My wife and I are in the same boat to some extent and I am very much like you. I would love to have the 5 course meal, so to speak, every night. Wine, candles, massage, foreplay, the whole 9 yards, many times she isn't up for the whole shebang.

It's all good. I told her when I stop trying to score everyday that's when she has to worry. Been married 10+ years haven't stopped trying yet. 

Good luck!!


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Yeah, she sounds like she 'settled down'. Meaning, she's comfortable with the relationship now, she knows you're around all the time, you love her, she loves you, so she doesn't feel the need to be so affectionate all the time.

It's like...when you get chocolate once every couple of days you love it and shove it as fast as you can. When it's on the table constantly, you still like it but don't freak out about catching some because you know it's always there. You can't crave chocolate if it's always around. Get what i mean?

If you want her to go back to what it was...be a bit more mysterious. Notice how at the start you were more distant and she always 'begged' for affection. Now roles were reversed to an extent. Her being more affectionate probably requires you to be more distant. You are being too nice for her. She's getting chocolate whenever the hell she wants, so this kills all her craving for it. She doesn't even have time to think about chocolate (=affection, sex, you name it) that it's already shoved down her throat. 

Another odd way to compare. Think of two magnets. if they are stuck together to the maximum, they can't attract. Pull one away a bit and the other will try to follow. No space means no connection to be formed, because you have to have some distance for a person to want to come closer. You're not giving her that, you're in fact crowding her (sure, in a pleasant way, but still). Make some distance between you, show your differences, make yourself interesting to her (as in she doesn't know everything you're thinking) and she will start to be more interested.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

but what do you think...should I try to turn the tables a bit by being acting less crazy about her..just worry more about myself like I did before I met her? Hang out on my own more often...you think that she would change at all? I guess it's hard for anyone to answer that..every woman is different....

ps. damn, what a game between the slovaks and russians right now...who needs to be with woman 24/7 when you got this kind of hockey live at this time hehe, just kidding


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Nekko said:


> Yeah, she sounds like she 'settled down'. Meaning, she's comfortable with the relationship now, she knows you're around all the time, you love her, she loves you, so she doesn't feel the need to be so affectionate all the time.
> 
> It's like...when you get chocolate once every couple of days you love it and shove it as fast as you can. When it's on the table constantly, you still like it but don't freak out about catching some because you know it's always there. You can't crave chocolate if it's always around. Get what i mean?
> 
> ...


thank you..my last message was before I saw this one by you even though yours appears before mine...
anyways..thanks for that...I'll definitely fallow your advice..problem is, I have tried that so many times..it's hard for me to stay that we..cuz as soon as I see it working I get more affection from her...so then we're both crazy for each other for 1 or 2 days..but then I cant get enough yet it seems like she's got enough and I'm back into the one crowding her...
Good thing I read your message...I was just about to send her a lengthy email telling her how I feel and how much she means to me..she would've read it tomorrow while I will be at work...but like you said...I'd just be throwing more chocolates at her when the table is already filled with em..in fact there's chocolates everywhere, too many....lets let her chew em up first...digest and excrete and then I'll wait for her to be starving before I even think about buying her another box...maybe I'll send her a love letter a few months from now..lol

Biggest problem for me is I know life is short...and I'm always trying to make the most of it...constantly I'm thinking about one day she may not be around so I wanna be as close to her as I can..but I know I'm shooting myself in the foot everytime I send her an "I love you note" with flowers while she's at work...

So do I back off completely...like even ignore her? Or just go about it as needed (like if she says I love you..only then I say it back?)


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

After seeing Tunera reference "The 5 Languages of Love" with high regard many times, I read that book this week. I think you should get it and read it with your wife. It sounds like to me that YOUR love language is "physical touch" based on you giving her massages, touching her as you sleep, etc... but that may NOT be HER language. I think you would love the book... i sure did! If she seems reluctant to read it, just read it on your own... hopefully you'll be able to figure out your wife's language and learn to speak it! Best of luck to you!


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

> I have tried that so many times..it's hard for me to stay that we..cuz as soon as I see it working I get more affection from her...so then we're both crazy for each other for 1 or 2 days..but then I cant get enough yet it seems like she's got enough and I'm back into the one crowding her...


This is good. Means it works. Trick to this is when she gets enough (or if you get good at telling when she get's enough) right before she becomes more used to it, you 'start' all over again being detached. You seem to love to be close to her all the time. But think of it this way, ocassionally creating distance, on your own, is fun too...because you get her pursuing you. Instead of trying to be stuck to her when she pulls away, why not pull away yourself and smile from there? If she likes what she sees, she won't wanna pull further away, she'll wana pull towards ya. Hope this makes sense to you. Think about it a bit, it's intuitive really. 



> Good thing I read your message...I was just about to send her a lengthy email telling her how I feel and how much she means to me..she would've read it tomorrow while I will be at work...but like you said...I'd just be throwing more chocolates at her when the table is already filled with em..in fact there's chocolates everywhere, too many....lets let her chew em up first...digest and excrete and then I'll wait for her to be starving before I even think about buying her another box...maybe I'll send her a love letter a few months from now..lol


yeah, this is kinda what i'm talking about. The fact that she has chocolate all the time, doesn't mean she doesn't like it any more. But she's used to it. Now, if you pull the chocolate from the table for 2 days, she'll grow to miss it and ask for it. That's where that great lusty feeling comes from...anticipation, anxiety, wanting to get something you don't have. Us married people have to learn how to inspire that in our spouses ocassionally to make our marriages happy. Not by making them insecure or jealous, but by maintaining a little distance ocassionally and flirting. 



> So do I back off completely...like even ignore her? Or just go about it as needed (like if she says I love you..only then I say it back)


No, don't ignore her. Just ....be a bit more detached. Still be nice, polite, but from a distance. I don't know how to explain how you should do that. What works for me is that i try treat my husband as i would have when i met him. As in...i wasn't corageous enough to jump all over him or talk about anything or nag etc....i just kept my distance and was flirty and smiley in a polite way. I do that for a day or two...then follows a day or two of tens of millions of 'i love you's' from both of us and insane affection, then we get bored...distance a bit, mind our own business, then it starts all over again. Hope this helps you at least a bit.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Nekko, thanks alot for your advice..definitely makes alot of sense..and I can see how I'm crowding her....I just need to remember that....one problem is that I'm constantly craving for kinky sexy sex with her..and while we've done some of that she doesn't seem to be all that into it...I cant help but ask her for anal about once a week...she's just never really in the mood for that, so we set dates for that but usually they never happen..she just doesn't starve for it like me..so that is one example that gets me all crazy for her, just looking at her I wanna touch her, go crazy with her....but I'm always starving for this and she isn't....I've gone without asking for this kind of intimacy for weeks before and she never comes after me the kinky stuff...she will lead me to the room though after I've given her some space for a few days...
Well I'll back off...but try not to get frustrated...lets see where it goes...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

There's no reason to get frustrated. Best things in life are hard to get. That's why some people love the chase. That's also why if a woman is very easy the guy gets bored. I know that sometimes it seems too hard...but...ya know...

One problem is that you're too eager. And that you assume that because you're eager she should be too. But you need to learn how to make her so horny, just because it's natural for you doesn't mean it's for her as well. Some people are more impulsive when it comes to sex, and easy to turn on (ex: you, me, a set of other people on this forum). Other people are a bit harder to turn on and need to be, well, seduced, forced to chase you, enticed, intreagued etc...(ex: your wife, my husband).  For example, if she got extremely hot for you at start because you were indifferent and appeared more in control and detached...and now you're desperate over her...well, that doesn't trigger the right stuff in her mind to make her hot. And that kind of attraction, the kind where you wanna tear clothes off your partner, you don't chose that, that can only be inspired in you by your spouse. So, learn how to provoke that in her...it's useful, it's permanent and it will make you have a niceeee long marriage. Don't go for 'i want anal and i want her to love it and i want it now'. Build a bit every day, because you're building for your own happiness, not for her. Today, find out what makes her hornier outside of sex (teasing, flirting etc). TOmorrow, after you figured that out, when she's hornier, try a new possition (since you were complaining she's fine with missionary)...you're bound to find one she feels really good in. And so on. Don't just sit there and expect her to come chase you. Entice her while you appear indiferent. Atholk's ex signature with the 'best results are when you kiss a woman and walk away' is great and works for most of us. For short, tease the hell out of her. Learn to seduce her, to make her lust for you. It may seem hard as hell at first and you may get frustrated, with 'why should i work for it when i can just ask'. But asking doesnt' work, not necesarily because she doesn't want to, but because, as i said before, you can't chose to be extremely horny after someone sadly. If we could, most of us probably would chose that. Oh well.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

WoW! lol Where are guys like you when im looking???? I have a similar issue with my SO, except we havnt had sex in more than a year. He says he just has no sex drive anymore but after reading ALOT of posts here im begining to wonder if part of it is that we spend too much time together. He owns his own business and I run the office so alot of days we are together (or at least within a room or 2 of eachother) at least 22 hours out of 24.

I guess my best advice for you would be to find a hobby that you can do alone or share with your W. Find something that will take you away from her and thinking about her ALL THE TIME! A) it will distance you from her and give you time apart. B) it will give you something else to focus on while you are trying to entice her. It needs to be something you WANT to do on a regular basis,daily or every other day.Something that becomes a habit to do, like working out at the gym 3X a week. I say something you can share with her also because there may be times when you have your periods of being all into eachother and if its a habit you dont want to miss doing it. It has to be something that you can continue doing in those times when she isnt interested in being all lovey dovey... 

I hope this makes sense! :smile: Good luck! Theres hope here.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I agree you're a bit too eager. You sound like an amazing guy and she sounds like a woman that loves you and that responds to you positively. But too much of even a good thing is, well, too much. I don't think though that you should play games with her ... like withdrawing just to get her to chase or get hot for you ... that only keeps the cycle that you're in going. You should actually work on understanding her needs for a bit of space. Marriage doesn't mean two people intertwined constantly. Most people need some psychological (and physical) space to refuel and to work on themselves. Just to BE with themselves without another and their needs constantly intruding. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it doesn't mean that when her "me-work" is done she won't be there eager for a few moments (or days) of passion with you. But it does mean that your expectations, with this woman, are unrealistic.

Why does it have to be 2-3 days of such intense oneness that she gets over-saturated and needs to distance herself to get the space she needs. You should aim to love her but never tip her over into over-saturation. If you don't know where the line is, maybe you can start by asking ... "hon, just tell me when you need a bit of space" and then respect it. Eventually, you'll learn her patterns and will be able to go to your own corner before she has even requested it, hence leaving her with a bit of desire left in her.

Clingy is NEVER attractive, even if you think it's just love and passion and desire, etc. And you absolutely should be spending some time working on yourself and with your friends. If your whole focus is her, then that's not good for either of you in the long run. She will want a man that is dynamic and well-rounded and that doesn't get all his energy from her alone.

On the other hand, there ARE people out there that are just selfish in love. They like to be loved, but don't know how to give it back. Only you know her. Is she selfish? or is she just a woman that's being overcrowded and pulls back?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Stop initiating contact with her. Stop massaging/hugging/touching. Let HER initiate that. When she does - mirror back what she does. If she hugs hug back - soon as she starts to let go - YOU let go. Stop saying "I love you" first. Say it back but say it a little less forcefully than she does. "Me too" works fine when she says "I love you".

Start spending less time with her. Go to the gym more - not kidding about that. 

When you are with her - be a good listener - and be fun to be with. Just start creating some emotional space. DO NOT act disinterested or cold. Just stop crowding her you are killing her desire. 

And if she complains about your gym time, or your not being as loving just smile and shrug and keep doing it. If she wants to bring you closer she will start having sex with you. 

The first rule with a woman is this - if you love her more than she wants to be loved she gets COMPLETELY turned off. If you love her a little bit less than she wants to be loved - she gets highly turned on. 

Of course all of this assumes you are a decent guy, treat her well overall etc. 



marriedguy said:


> Me and my wife have been married for about 2 and a half years...she's a very happy, cheerful woman, a little shy and most of the time I initiate sex....we both work, although I work a little more hours, we both take care of house hold chores...we dont have any kids...
> Pretty much there's a reason that I'm on here right now and not with her trying to talk through our problems...because I've done that many many times...too many times...problem I feel has always been me being frustrated about her lack of initiating not only sex, but any intimacy...when we first dated she was constantly begging for kisses, hugs, she constantly gave me massages, kissed my ears, sucked on my fingers, she would in public made it real obvious that we're lovers by wanting to be kissed, acting real cute, and often kinda biting my should/arm(in a cute way) so I guess all those were signs of her being in love with me and wanting affection..well those things are all gone...now when we get home it's only me coming after her for affection, she wont sit down on my lap, hardly ever kiss me unless I kiss her first...seems like I am initiating any kind of intimacy in our relationship...although she still leaves me little notes for lunches, every once in a while she will do some of those things I mentioned but mostly it's routine now, not that in love excitement anymore...until this past valentines day..
> We had a real good weekend, went out, had a couple real good nights in bed, and during the day she was being all cute, cuddly, and horny with me again...but it only lasts for a few days..then it's back to normal..back to me feeling crazy for her and me not feeling that from her...
> I may not be the typical guy at all cuz I love me and my wife being crazy all over each other all the time...and she was that way for the whole year before we were married, and about 6 months into marriage...then it wore off..for her...for me I'm constantly craving more...when we make love it's usually me making love to her..not us both makin love...I always make her orgasm, but afterwards she falls asleep on me....often when I am in the mood for sex in the evening she shows no interest at all...so I begin massaging her which she loves...but next thing she starts snoring...so I just continue massaging her without getting any intimacy out of her....in the morning, twice this week I gave her a 15 minute massage...which again she loved..but that's it..she just absorbs it and that's it.....I know I shouldn't expect love in return from her...I do these things cuz I do love her like crazy...but she isn't crazy for me this way at all....I make love to every part on her body, and sometimes I wish she showed the same kind of affection to me...I can easily stay up all night and make love to her but she just cant keep up.....but it's not all about sex...it's like this with anything we do, always I'm trying to please her...sometimes I think I'm being too nice to her...should I just start being me and not worry about her so much? Just let it be? I stopped talking to her about my job cuz whenever I first started talking to her about it she would start yawning, just seems like she dont give a **** about what I feel, what I want, need....all I want is for us to have a totally open relationship her telling me her needs and me being able to tell her mine and her wanting to please me as much as I want to please her....
> ...


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## anon4321 (Nov 12, 2013)

Hi, I read your comments and I think MEM11363 is spot on. I too am in this kind of relationship. My wife checked out of our marriage emotionally sometime ago but I can’t really recall the exact time. It just happened, as these things do I guess.

I am a good guy, not perfect, but I try and be the best husband and father I can be. I love my kids and to some extent I still love my wife.

Try and stick with me on this.......

I work full time, my wife part time. I do the household chores and it is generally 50.50 all the way when it comes to the kids and the house. We get on well and seldom argue but we have had issues in the past over this topic. These ‘discussions’ have never lead to anything other than ill feeling, heartache and pressure on my wife’s part so I don’t bother trying to discuss it anymore. I have had little choice up to now other than to just live with it.

As long as I have been married at least, I have always, ALWAYS, tried to find ways to earn ‘Brownie’ points so as to get into my wife's good books with the vein hope that she will show me some appreciation. I wish just once that what I do around the house, the attention that I show my wife, input with the kids and generally for just being me, could result in some reciprocal affection such as kiss or a cuddle from her. 

Not sex! but just a loving reassurance. 

I am constant with this behaviour. I like a nice tidy house and care about looking after my wife and kid’s welfare. I care about my wife’s needs in and out of the bedroom so it is not just a random display of behaviour so I can get some sex/attention. Nothing I do though is ever enough to warrant her loving me or showing it like a person in love normally does. 

Sex has always been something to my wife that men want and she has learned well to use it as a weapon against me. She shows general contempt for sex and sees it as an unnecessary and inconvenient side product of marriage. She has never said this but she doesn’t need to. This is about her complete emotional abandonment from me and her inability and/or desire to want to change. 

I was constantly drip fed with the sex and the affection and it is only evident when I initiate it. Sex used to be once a week but she would sometimes enjoy it when we got going, at least I think she did, but more often than not I always felt like I was just pestering her. 

It was hard work at the best of times to even get her to come around to the idea of having some intimacy at bedtime. Sometimes my advances would work but more often than not she would move my hand away or grunt a 'no' and go to sleep. Sometimes she would be generous enough if I asked to let me do myself if I was really worked up but she wouldn't participate. She would just go to sleep! 

She would always be tired or just not in the mood and then it would be her time of the month or she had a stomach ache or whatever BS excuse she was using at the time. I would try and seduce her in bed but she would rather review her FB page on her mobile phone and catch up with her emails than snuggle down with me. I am being literal here BTW! My wife has never took the selfless approach and serviced my needs when she wasn't feeling up to it.


This feeling of wondering what I have done wrong and lying there in bed with that awful rejected, hollow feeling in your stomach is horrible. Particularly when you can hear her softly snoring and not giving a damn either way.

My wife has never ever made the first move and she never kisses or cuddles me. She doesn't even tell me that she loves me. Sure, she enjoys receiving, foot/head massages, and cuddles although not prolonged cuddles as she tries to slip away after about 10 seconds. A bit like that cartoon cat always trying to get away from Pepe Le Pew the skunk? I know how that poor skunk feels I can tell you!

Now, if I was a real swine of a husband and I didn't do squat around the house or I was a rubbish father and husband then I could understand all this, but I am not, so I am stumped. 

Why did I marry her? well things were good in the early days, we were having good sex, although always initiated by me but thinking back the demonstrative love and affection on her part was never there. Had I known then what I know now, then of course I wouldn't have married her, but you never see the big picture when you are young and in love. I just hoped that it would change I suppose or I was just more tolerant then.

So now I have come to a crossroads. I am not bothering. I am not showing any affection at all and I am certainly not going to initiate sex with her. No more I love you, no more calling her at home when I am at work. No more shoulder/foot rubs. No more back tickles, no more putting her feet up on me whilst we watch TV. In fact, no more of her taking me for granted! 

At the very least I am going to earn some self respect and I will service my own needs from now on. I do need her, desperately and I am more lonely now than ever as I am not even getting my 'drip fed' attention but something has to change here and if it was left to her I would live out my days in the situation that I am now in. 

Someone who takes and never gives is not worthy of my affection and certainly doesn't deserve it. My wife decided to check out emotionally of this marriage, not me. I didn't do anything wrong other that being a bit crap at DIY but I honestly think that she resents me for not being an outgoing painter and decorator. I do do these jobs but it takes me a while to build up the enthusiasm and I like to do it on my own accord without having to be told. My wife is always priding herself on the fact that she doesn't nag me but I think she built up a resentful attitude towards me for this and God knows what else over the years.

Other than that I have given my wife everything over the years and she is not the only one who can be resentful. I have just cause to resent her for many things but I choose not to. I would rather just get on with life and have a good marriage.

I will not be made to feel like an obligation and a sex pest. By me backing off will not change her, but it will give me some pride. I am trying to keep everything as normal as possible but not showing my anger to her is a skill in itself. I have learned that being nasty will only make things worst. My main hope is that she can eventually feel some love for me but this isn’t going to happen if we are at each others throats. 

I just simply need to show her that she can't have it all her own way. After all, you want what you can't have. My wife has not mentioned my behaviour but I can sure as hell tell that she is wondering why I have removed all her 'treats’ which she so took for granted. 

I will see how we get on although I have been here before. This time I am not going back and no love and affection at all is better than feeling empty and like a pest not to mention being taken for a complete shmuck. So now darling, our marriage and it’s future I hand over to you!........


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Sounds like you're putting too much of your energy into her and looking for too much from her, and she may even be sensing that and finding it smothering. I would back off a little, like others say. No need for a 180, just tone it down. 

The good news is, it sounds like you guys overall have a strong relationship and I don't see any serious problems in what you describe, just normal marital stuff.

One other thing -- if she really doesn't like certain things (e.g. anal), it might be a bit excessive to expect them once a week. Like how would you feel if she really enjoyed doing something to you that made you physically uncomfortable, would you be ok with it every week?


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

This thread is 2 1/2 yrs old... How come it popped up again? :scratchhead:


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

questar1 said:


> This thread is 2 1/2 yrs old... How come it popped up again? :scratchhead:


I can guarantee it caught someone's eye in that "similar threads" section.


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