# Need some advice



## lovingwife14 (Nov 1, 2014)

I have been married almost eight months. After we first got married my husband was very sexual and wanted it all the time. After the first two months his desires kind of seemed to fade away. Now, when he wants sex, I feel like he isn't interested in foreplay, he just wants to put it in and get off......many times during the week I have asked for it and only gotten turned down. Excuses like..."I don't feel like it", "Not right now" or "I'm tired". I hate being turned down so much...Is this normal? What am I doing wrong?? Please help


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

No, that is not normal. I've been married 28 years and still would like to have intimacy with my wife 2-3 times a week. What ages are you & spouse. Wiser people than me will be along shortly.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Intimacy really starts when married. You need to put your foot down and communicate with your husband. I know it was one of my biggest weaknesses in the first year or two with my wife.

He needs to respect your needs and learn to please you in bed.

Sex is mutual, not individual. He needs to please you as well as you pleasing him.

Communication is sooooooo key. Have you two read any books together?

How about "His needs Her needs" or the five love languages.

Good marriages just don't usually happen, they need work.

You need to let your husband know that your marriage is off to a bumpy start and that you want it to be really good but it isn't right now.

Mostly because of a lack of communication about sex and any other need you both might have.

I have been married for over 19 years and with her for 23. It is really good biut it took work, communication and we read a few books together.

Pretty erotic to read about and discuss sexual likes and needs.

If he does not listen to you, then you have to be willing to stop everything. Communication breakdown will just leave one or both of you resentful. That is a marriage killer.

Take care.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Intimacy really starts when married. You need to put your foot down and communicate with your husband. I know it was one of my biggest weaknesses in the first year or two with my wife.
> 
> He needs to respect your needs and learn to please you in bed.
> 
> ...


:iagree:This, this and more of this.


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## Justus3 (Oct 18, 2014)

This is not normal. You guys have only been married for 8 months. I don't imagine you like being turned down so much, you are only a newlywed


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## lovingwife14 (Nov 1, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> No, that is not normal. I've been married 28 years and still would like to have intimacy with my wife 2-3 times a week. What ages are you & spouse. Wiser people than me will be along shortly.


we are 24 and 27...


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

All of Conan's advice here is good, but I thought his summary was best. I'd suggest you start by sitting down together and brainstorming. 

Good luck
-seahorse



ConanHub said:


> ...If he does not listen to you, then you have to be willing to stop everything. Communication breakdown will just leave one or both of you resentful. That is a marriage killer...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening lovingwife14
This is not "normal" but it is fairly common - and bad. People get complacent, lazy.

Be sure that he knows that you want more intimacy beforehand - AND be sure that you are also doing what he wants in bed. Look to yourself and be sure that you haven't also gotten lazy.


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## lonley2long (Feb 17, 2015)

My situation is similar. We've been married a little over a year and I feel hopeless and empty. When we were dating our sex life was more than fabulous. There was so much attraction and passion between us. I felt as though I'd finally found my soulmate. It went deeper than just physical attraction, we enjoyed being together just doing nothing. We were super happy!!! Soon after we got married our sex life died!! I talked to him about it several times. I could not understand why things were so different...what was I doing wrong? He'd get mad and say that I was not happy unless he was having sex with me every night. That's not true, I just wanted to know why things were so different. I've since discovered that he's sent numerous erotic, explicit messages and pictures to many different women on facebook. This has gone on for a long time, some women married some are not. In these messages he talks about how much he enjoyes oral sex and how he even remembers what they taste like....mind you, he doesent even do that with me anymore...Im heartbroken..


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## Janna (Nov 6, 2013)

Sex issues can be so difficult to unravel and figure out. It's such a great step that you are looking for solutions  

Different levels of desire in partners are incredibly common and you are not alone and definitely not doing anything "wrong". 

I would highly recommend the book "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner-Davis. It helped my husband and I tremendously when it came to understanding our own stuff and having compassion for each other.

I wish you all the best!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

lovingwife14 said:


> .... I feel like he isn't interested in foreplay, he just wants to put it in and get off......many times during the week I have asked for it and only gotten turned down. Excuses like..."I don't feel like it", "Not right now" or "I'm tired". I hate being turned down so much...Is this normal? What am I doing wrong?? Please help


Lots of great advice so far. I would like to also suggest that
you talk to your H, but talk about what marriage means to him, what his fears are and what his dreams about marriage are.

For a lot of men, marriage is a time when you realize that you are financially responsible for someone else, for a mortgage, car payments, insurance and a host of other libido crippling things. A free spirited young man can wake up one morning to find that the lover in his bed is now his financial responsibilty and his job and paycheck become things to protect at all costs. It doesn't have to be that way, but it can sometimes happen.

If you can find out what his fears are and what his dreams are you might get the man you married back. 

As others have said people can get lazy, he could be replaying in his head the relationship his parents had as that may be what he thinks marriage should look like. People do weird things, but communication between a husband and wife and not giving up on each other can do wonders.

Good luck.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

You could open your mouth, "I'm not ready yet, 10 minutes of cuddling, 5 minutes of whatever, then maybe I will put it in."

He's ready, make it clear you aren't -yet...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

anonmd said:


> You could open your mouth, "I'm not ready yet, 10 minutes of cuddling, 5 minutes of whatever, then maybe I will put it in."
> 
> He's ready, make it clear you aren't -yet...


Huh? Did you even read her original post?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

lonley2long said:


> My situation is similar. We've been married a little over a year and I feel hopeless and empty. When we were dating our sex life was more than fabulous. There was so much attraction and passion between us. I felt as though I'd finally found my soulmate. It went deeper than just physical attraction, we enjoyed being together just doing nothing. We were super happy!!! Soon after we got married our sex life died!! I talked to him about it several times. I could not understand why things were so different...what was I doing wrong? He'd get mad and say that I was not happy unless he was having sex with me every night. That's not true, I just wanted to know why things were so different. I've since discovered that he's sent numerous erotic, explicit messages and pictures to many different women on facebook. This has gone on for a long time, some women married some are not. In these messages he talks about how much he enjoyes oral sex and how he even remembers what they taste like....mind you, he doesent even do that with me anymore...Im heartbroken..


This is cheating . I know this is not your thread, but he's cheating even if he's not physically having intercourse with someone else. You really need to address this because this behavior is NOT ok of him . Hugs.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Huh? Did you even read her original post?


Yes 



lovingwife14 said:


> Now, when he wants sex, I feel like he isn't interested in foreplay, he just wants to put it in and get off


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