# Concern about text messages...



## bdbogus (Dec 3, 2016)

This is a bit of a follow-up to an old thread from a couple of years ago post #359577 Feels like downward spiral (can't currently link the thread).

Lately my spidey senses have been going off and I started some snooping. I'm tech savvy and was able to download her text messages and found some of the nuggets with her high school boyfriend. Keep in mind, we're in our mid 40's, two kids (15 and 10).

Most of the conversation is rather benign. They are reminiscing about high school, the exchanged some old photos of each other from back then. Seems they text several times during the week. One thing that caught my attention from about 10 days ago:
Wife: Thank you for talking with me. Makes my day. Makes me happy. 
Him:	I love the contact too.Thank you!
Wife: Me too	

Then this from a week ago:
Wife: I wish I could meet you for a drink. 
Him:	Me too. Maybe we could have lunch?
Wife: That would be nice	

Then this from 6 days ago:
Him:	What day of the week is best for you to have lunch?
Wife: Probably Fridays. It really depends on the week. 
Him:	"Ok. I'm out of town a lot the next 2 weeks. Let's try to find a day we can meet."
Wife: I need a drink now. 
Him:	Lol.
Wife: You make me nervous	
Him:	I do? Why?
Wife: Because I want to see you, and it makes me nervous. 
Him:	I want to see you. I don't want you to be nervous.
Wife: I’ve loved looking at our pictures, and chatting with you. It just makes me nervous. You might as well order water or a stiff drink! I’m not going to eat anything. 
Him:	I love the pics and contact too. You have to eat something. It's me. You know everything about me. And have for almost 30 yrs.
Wife: I know, but it’s been a long time. I’d like to go back 30 years. I’d know you a lot better. 
Him:	Me too. You would change things?
Wife: Change what? The last 30 years? 
Him:	If you went back, anything you would do different? 
Wife: Yes. Try to figure out my life with you. 
Him:	😊 Ok. We'll both have a drink with lunch.
Wife: Sounds good!! I’m sorry I’m being so crazy right now!! Lol	
Him:	It's very flattering that you think this way about us.
I we went back 30 yrs, I would change the same thing.
Those pics took me back. 

The never linked up and now I'm watching like a hawk. I've also gone out of the way in trying to take care of her and not let this guy in. He's also married with multiple kids but almost divorced about 4 years ago. 

Any additional advice? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I slept about 2 hours the night I found these and read them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Assuming she hasn't already, she’ll be sleeping with him very soon.

Time to curbstomp this.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yup, agree with Gus -- Stop this ASAP. This WILL lead to bad things happening (and actually, already bad things are happening). Be careful that you don't give up where you are getting this from -- she will just take it further underground. Also, find out his wife and mail copies of this to her. I bet SHE won't be happy about it.... (oh and do NOT tell your wife you are doing this.)


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## bdbogus (Dec 3, 2016)

So how do I stop this ASAP with letting her know where it's coming from?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Any way of simply sending screenshots to his wife? Make a backup for yourself at least. Are her parents alive, maybe invite them over & hand out copies? You are not even a bird splat on the hood of her car, she isn't thinking of you at all.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I don’t know what happened a couple of years ago, but this is enough for me to be like, take a hike. Life is too short to be with someone who wants to be with someone else. If not now, she will later. Or she’ll be thinking of him humping her when you are. Physical cheating is a symptom. This here is the disease.


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## bdbogus (Dec 3, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Any way of simply sending screenshots to his wife? Make a backup for yourself at least. Are her parents alive, maybe invite them over & hand out copies? You are not even a bird splat on the hood of her car, she isn't thinking of you at all.


I don't know if I could get her email. I do have his number... Maybe call him and tell him to cease and desist? 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

It is your wife who should be the one to cease and desist!

Try calling her.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

So let me see if I understand. 

Your wife just from what you posted is having an emotional affair with an old HS sweetheart. You have no idea whether or not they have been sleeping together, but you know they are going to...

You figured it out, because you were suspicious.

And you are worried that she might get upset???? 

Are you freaking kidding me? You are joking right????

What kind of a man are you? Do you have a pair of balls or not? 

You either do more detective work, put a VAR in her care, Track her on gps to figure out what HAS been going on, maybe hire a PI...

Or you tell her you will be filing for divorce tomorrow, and tell her why.

Why don't you stop being so weak. Weak men make women puke, I think she has been puking for a while...


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## bdbogus (Dec 3, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> So let me see if I understand.
> 
> Your wife just from what you posted is having an emotional affair with an old HS sweetheart. You have no idea whether or not they have been sleeping together, but you know they are going to...
> 
> ...


I've been tracking her. There's been no trips to physically see him. He does travel a lot and she's running around with the kids often. Very certain there's been no PA. Sounds like it's time to confront!


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## bdbogus (Dec 3, 2016)

syhoybenden said:


> It is your wife who should be the one to cease and desist!
> 
> Try calling her.


Calling the guy's wife? Have no idea who she is or how to get a hold of her. Or are you saying call my wife?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

bdbogus said:


> Calling the guy's wife? Have no idea who she is or how to get a hold of her. Or are you saying call my wife?


He is saying, hire a PI and find HIS wife to inform her that her husband is having an emotional affair with your wife. 

This is the quickest way to stop the affair. With him that is...

So you have tracked her whereabouts for how long? You see, since she has started this path of cheating on you, you really don't know what you don't know. You don't know if she has had other affairs, when the kids stayed playing at a friends house or what. 

The thing is you are going to confront and she will explain that he is "just a friend" from her past, and you will be weak and accept what she says. 

Let's say that this is it. Let's say that you caught her before she actually slept with him or someone else. 

Are you going to nice her back? Are you going to try and figure out what YOU did to cause this? 

Because if you are, you are a fool. 

The thing to do is file for divorce and have her served. Then you will see where her head is at. If she freaks out and confesses to EVERYTHING that she has done and passes a polygraph, you may have a chance to save your marriage. 

But then, why would you want to? If you had not caught her, in a week or two, she would be banging him at every opportunity. 

And that is IF she has not already been screwing around with you already. 

And don't think that because she is with the kids all that time, that there is no way that she could do this. 

You really have no idea what has been going on, and if you think you do, then you are being foolish...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bdbogus said:


> This is a bit of a follow-up to an old thread from a couple of years ago post #359577 Feels like downward spiral (can't currently link the thread).
> 
> Lately my spidey senses have been going off and I started some snooping. I'm tech savvy and was able to download her text messages and found some of the nuggets with her high school boyfriend. Keep in mind, we're in our mid 40's, two kids (15 and 10).
> 
> ...


*Any covert contact arranged or planned by a spouse with some third party, without the knowledge of their partner, is a preeminent "no-no" and is a huge red flag!

Trust me! You are not blowing things out of kilter! Far from it!*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bdbogus said:


> So how do I stop this ASAP with letting her know where it's coming from?


You _have_ to confront her.

Hope you took screenshots.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I read your previous post #359577 and based upon that one and this one it is clear to me that your marriage is in trouble because your wife is clearly open to having an affair. I don't agree with the others that you should be looking at a "nuclear option" right now but you do certainly need to confront the issue with your wife and attempt to resolve it. You need to start by looking at yourself because she is looking for something in him that she is not getting from you. In your previous message you stated that you were HD and she was LD...well, maybe she's not as LD as you would like to think. This new issue is making it sound like there is much more to it from a relationship perspective and again, that means she's not totally satisfied with you in more than one way. That doesn't mean you can't correct it or that your situation is not salvageable.

I cannot say strongly enough that communication is KEY to a good relationship. You MUST talk about issues again and again and again and again until they are resolved in a way that is agreeable to both of you. If you allow things to fester, they will only get worse and be more difficult to resolve at a later time. Going back to your 359577 topic, you said "...so in disgust, I rolled over on my side of the bed and went to sleep...pissed. Next morning, I packed my stuff and headed back out of town. She knew I was pissed about the previous night but didn't bother to try and discuss it....I sure as hell wasn't going to. Grabbed my bag and told her bye and she gave me a one arm hug. Pretty sad...". How did that refusal to communicate work for you? Back then it was just a rather typical issue of one partner wanting more sex, now two years later it is your wife contemplating an affair. See what I mean about allowing things to fester?

You don't have to apologize for snooping on her; you had intuition, it was correct and your snooping provided results. Now TALK to your wife...away from the kids, away from any distractions. Show her what you found. If you love her, tell her. If you don't want her to stray, tell her. Ask her what she is not getting from you. Ask her if your relationship is salvageable and how you can both work to keep it together. Finally, seek marriage counseling.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

They are getting ready to date man!!!

If they haven’t already,

Find and inform othrtmsnd wifr

Then tell your wife she’s free to go, you’ll be fine without her.

If you can’t do these things you’re going to live in hell for awhile


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## bdbogus (Dec 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> You _have_ to confront her.
> 
> Hope you took screenshots.


I have the entire conversation history...like I said...I'm tech savvy...


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## bdbogus (Dec 3, 2016)

BigToe said:


> I read your previous post #359577 and based upon that one and this one it is clear to me that your marriage is in trouble because your wife is clearly open to having an affair. I don't agree with the others that you should be looking at a "nuclear option" right now but you do certainly need to confront the issue with your wife and attempt to resolve it. You need to start by looking at yourself because she is looking for something in him that she is not getting from you. In your previous message you stated that you were HD and she was LD...well, maybe she's not as LD as you would like to think. This new issue is making it sound like there is much more to it from a relationship perspective and again, that means she's not totally satisfied with you in more than one way. That doesn't mean you can't correct it or that your situation is not salvageable.
> 
> I cannot say strongly enough that communication is KEY to a good relationship. You MUST talk about issues again and again and again and again until they are resolved in a way that is agreeable to both of you. If you allow things to fester, they will only get worse and be more difficult to resolve at a later time. Going back to your 359577 topic, you said "...so in disgust, I rolled over on my side of the bed and went to sleep...pissed. Next morning, I packed my stuff and headed back out of town. She knew I was pissed about the previous night but didn't bother to try and discuss it....I sure as hell wasn't going to. Grabbed my bag and told her bye and she gave me a one arm hug. Pretty sad...". How did that refusal to communicate work for you? Back then it was just a rather typical issue of one partner wanting more sex, now two years later it is your wife contemplating an affair. See what I mean about allowing things to fester?
> 
> You don't have to apologize for snooping on her; you had intuition, it was correct and your snooping provided results. Now TALK to your wife...away from the kids, away from any distractions. Show her what you found. If you love her, tell her. If you don't want her to stray, tell her. Ask her what she is not getting from you. Ask her if your relationship is salvageable and how you can both work to keep it together. Finally, seek marriage counseling.


Thanks for the reply. Best advice so far...


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

OMFG. Stop playing the pick me dance and trying to "nice" her back into a relationship with you.
If I found these texts, after all hubby and I have been through, his shat would be on the lawn and the door locks changed. So inappropriate I'd tell him to go for it. I'll divorce him so he can be free to date this person. And then he would be kicked out. 
seriously dude, grow a pair.

Also, send those texts to his wife. Likely, she's waiting for the final straw.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Nicing her back will fail. It always does.

Your indecisive behavior isn’t doing you any good either.

You’ll wallow in this awhile unless you fix that


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

bdbogus said:


> Thanks for the reply. Best advice so far...


Wrong. This would be great advice if you were just dealing with sexual refusal, but you're not. She's refusing you while trying to arrange a hook up with her ex. That makes her a cheater, and that makes this advice wrong for you. Follow it and she _will_ cheat on you, no ifs, ands or buts.

It's no surprise to me that you like the advice that doesn't require conflict. It's pretty clear that you don't have the testicular fortitude to handle this.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

I found some face book massages from my wife's ex, and they were incredibly dull, and just rated G stuff, sharing remedies, talking about his Grandma, him asking about my brorher in law, about the weather where his lives the weather here in the USA crap like this, tons and tons of plain old conversations. I made copies, and show them to her mom, "talked" to her about it! Dragged her to see a counselor, blocked his ass, and demanded NO CONTACT AT ALL!

He is not a threat per say as he is in another continents, but I am handing as if he lived across the street! 

From what I read above in your post, not sure I would have reacted so calm as I did in my situations.

Nip this in the bud pronto!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"Him:	If you went back, anything you would do different? 
Wife: Yes. Try to figure out my life with you."


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

that kind of says it all.

she's in puppy love. a sure sign of immaturity. a sure sign of the fact she has not accepted her life or life's choices.
a sure sign that she is too cowardly, too much into herself to accept that she took vows, is a mother and a wife.

she needs to snap out of it and grow up.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'll translate those texts:

Wife: I have feelings for you and I'm gonna giggle to see if you giggle back
Him: Yeah, I'm giggling back
Both: We're gonna pretend we can't wait to get naked

This is gross. She's already cheating mentally. Physically is just a matter of time


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear Bdbogus,

You are receiving some wonderful advice here; please try to listen and follow. Your wife is the one you MUST address. She is leading this man on and totally disrespecting you, your kids and your marriage. You must confront her today with a copy of the messages between her and her AP. After you confront her, you must contact the OM wife with the same evidence. Third, you and your wife should write a letter of NC to him. Again, please show some strength in your marriage.

Best,
Dreamer


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You're going to have to jump into this with W sometime. 
Better now then later, trust all the above advice.

Jump in, play it out. Don't cave in when W starts off saying he's just a friend, no worries. She's moved up to the line, OM is grooming her for a hit and run....or a hit and repeat..

Good luck


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

bdbogus said:


> Thanks for the reply. Best advice so far...


Actually sorry, but that post while well meaning is the worst advice so far.

Let me explain. Like a lot of BS (Betrayed Spouse) you are ready to play the PICK ME game. How do we know, because we have a vast amount of knowledge and experience about this stuff. We can tell from the tone of your original post. 

"OMG, I think my wife is having an affair, well maybe..." 

No, that is not the right attitude. The fact is that she is already having an emotional affair which is still an affair. 

The reason that you go nuclear right now is two fold. 1) It shows that you are not a puss for one. And it shows her that you are not playing the pick me game and will not be second place in her heart. It shows strength. It wakes her up. 2) The second thing that is does is get the process started so that if she does not wake up and show you that you are number one, then the divorce process is already started. 

The main reason to file and then confront is that it is a wake up call that she is about to lose everything. 

Right now, the proper advice sounds counterintuitive, but it is not. 

IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, THEN YOU HAVE TO BE READY TO LOSE IT.

You see, what you have to do right now it take harsh, decisive, concrete action that shows your strength. That will either wake her up or it will end the marriage.

I mean you are not willing to let your wife date other men are you? OK then. 

Then this is what you need to do. If you are weak in anyway, your marriage is done. It may already be done but if there is a chance to save it, this is it. 

Now if you are one of those smart guys, that knows everything... then why are you here asking questions. 

I am laying odds that she will tell you that you are crazy and controlling. That is your signal that she is done with you and the marriage...


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

jorgegene said:


> that kind of says it all.
> 
> she's in puppy love. a sure sign of immaturity. a sure sign of the fact she has not accepted her life or life's choices.
> a sure sign that she is too cowardly, too much into herself to accept that she took vows, is a mother and a wife.
> ...



^^^^^^ This........this would describe my mindset when I embarked on an EA/PA. She has her heart all aflutter and is longing for the past- before commitments, before children, and work, and responsibilities. She wants to feel that infatuation drug again - when all things were possible and all her choices were still ahead of her....a soft confront will do absolutely nothing but drive it underground.

I am speaking as a former WW. PLEASE listen to me. It will take a wake up call that shakes her world to knock her out of the LALA land chemicals. She isnt thinking about you or the family - she has compartmentalized this into her private special life that has no family. It is as though she is right back in highschool.

My advice to you would be to farm out the kids at least for 24 hours- more if possible. Sit her down. Have separation papers or divorce papers in your hand (you can print some off the internet and fill them out). Tell her you have done some serious thinking and no longer want to be married to her. When she asks why show her the texts. I wouldn't say how you got them. 

You owe her zero explanations. Dont give her any. Dont tell her what you did or justify your actions. She needs to think you are done. She knows they are real and true and what the intentions were behind the words. YOU dont need to convince her of this. You both already know.

Be disgusted with her- not heartbroken. She needs to feel this like a kick in the gut. (as you are no doubt feeling times 10!!) Tell her this conversation between her and this guy equates to a betrayal of the marriage. She does not get to pursue, flirt, and date other men while married to you. It is irrelevant whether or not it has gone physical yet. Tell her it is clear she is looking for a hook up when the opportunity presents itself. Tell her she has violated your trust and you dont see how it can ever be built up again. Say it makes you wonder if she has betrayed you with other men- that you are questioning the paternity of your own children....(Have a drink ready cuz you are going to need it)

She will deny, attack, provoke, gaslight, reverse and play the victim role.....DO NOT engage in any of it. Sit and say nothing till shes finished. Then either walk out the door or stay and sleep in another room. I would let her talk herself out...without replying. When she sees shes not able to take you in with her accusals, denials and attacks...my guess is she will end up begging and pleading for you to forgive her. Dont. Look up the 180- put it into practice and wait awhile to see what happens. You can explore ways of working through this with an MC if she is showing genuine remorse and a willingness to change everything you need her to change to rebuild trust.

Expect that she will contact OM. She will be shook to the core. Suddenly the fairytale opened up to real life and its a source of terror. These things dont end immediately. Sending a copy of the texts to his wife through FB might end it quicker. This guy is a player and looking to mess around- your wife isnt anything special shes just a distraction from his own marriage.

My guess is your wife doesnt want to leave you. She wants you -but there is something shes needing from you or life that shes not getting. No excuse for her behaviour. There are things you need from her that you arent getting and you are not behaving this way... that can all be worked out in MC/IC. 

This approach from a stand point of strength and righteousness is about the only thing I can think of that can stop this train from rolling into a full blown EA/PA.

This is all easier said than done. I wish you much good luck.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Sorry that you are having to go threw this mess.
Many people often forget that HS EX's are EX's
for a reason. Your wife has done that it seems.
Remember he knows your wife is married but so
does she. I would recommend one of the following.

First- You can confront her with what evidence you
currently have. She will no doubt lie and accuse you
of snooping and spying on her. She will continue to lie
and say things like they were just talking and never met.
She may even try and blame shift this to you and say
you are imagining things ETC. She may then take it 
underground. Burner phone and stuff.

Second- Continue tracking her and when they arrange 
a meeting be there. Catch her going out the door or 
in the parking lot or show up. (Surprise Honey !! )
If you do this do not become angry or upset (STAY CALM)
You do not need any more problems. I would tell him he 
can have her and you appreciate him taking her off your hands
and good luck. I would then tell him you are going to call his 
wife. That is just me being mean and sarcastic to them however.
Just remain cold and calm if you do this.

Third- Text her a meeting time and date from a burner phone 
or some other source. Make her think it is him and he is doing 
this so his wife will not find out. Let her get there first and then 
show up. ( Surprise Honey !!) Then remain cold and calm and expose
everything to her and his wife. If possible have his wife there also.

The main thing is to remain calm and do not give her any excuses to
blame you. Anger, spying, jealous husband etc. You want to catch her
red handed in the act so she can not deny this. Cheaters lie and then 
lie some more. Do not try playing nice be mean and devious. Sorry to say
this but if she is trying to cheat then she will unless you stomp on this NOW!!

Remember remain calm and no violence swearing or anything. This will show her 
you are strong willed and will not tolerate her crap. BEST OF LUCK. Keep us posted


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Don’t do any of that. End it. Say, here’s what I found, you suck. Gtfo.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you know when they are supposed to meet up, I'd stop by the house before then and tell the wife that she has two choices. She can either meet up with her old BF or ghost him and cut all contact permanently. If she choose the first option the house lock will be changed when she gets back and D papers will be filed. If she chooses the second option she's to start counseling immediately or D papers will be filed.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

NJ2 said:


> ^^^^^^ This........this would describe my mindset when I embarked on an EA/PA. She has her heart all aflutter and is longing for the past- before commitments, before children, and work, and responsibilities. She wants to feel that infatuation drug again - when all things were possible and all her choices were still ahead of her....a soft confront will do absolutely nothing but drive it underground.
> 
> I am speaking as a former WW. PLEASE listen to me. It will take a wake up call that shakes her world to knock her out of the LALA land chemicals. She isnt thinking about you or the family - she has compartmentalized this into her private special life that has no family. It is as though she is right back in highschool.
> 
> ...


This 100%.

Awesome advise, read it and then reread it over and over again.

S1

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

you also need to tell the guy's wife and don't give your wife any time to warn him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

bdbogus said:


> So how do I stop this ASAP with letting her know where it's coming from?


Just tell her "wife, I know that you are in contact with your old HS boyfriend. I know that it is more than just hi-howareyou stuff. You are in an EA, and I will not put up with it. You must stop all contact and tell him - while I watch -- that he should not contact you in any shape for form. You either choose interacting with him or our marriage. " This is not controlling -- this is clearly identifying your boundary about this with NO ambiguity. 

you do NOT have to tell her exactly what it was you found, or how you found out. If she tries to say that she isn't doing that, just tell her you have proof. You do not need to show her. Tell her the proof is sufficient for you to consider ending your marriage if she continues.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bdbogus said:


> I don't know if I could get her email. I do have his number... Maybe call him and tell him to cease and desist?
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk



Call him and ask for his wife’s number. Say “sense you are trying to have sex with my wife behind my back I thought I would be up front about it with yours.”

Do a search on his name it should give you his wife’s name. Then search hers for contact info.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You could hire a PI for a small fee to find out the information about this guy and his wife. Then contact his wife directly and do NOT tell your wife you are doing this. Also, spending the $$ to do this shows your wife how serious you are about this. She needs to be knocked out of her fog.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

if you have his name and city you should be able to find hers connected via whitepages.com. Or look him up on Facebook.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

bdbogus said:


> Calling the guy's wife? Have no idea who she is or how to get a hold of her. Or are you saying call my wife?



Communicate with YOUR wife.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

So many viewpoints, ideas, and suggestions.
We all offer many different ones based on different
experiences. Regardless however do not wait in 
limbo or until something really bad happens between 
them. ( Physical ) Talk with your wife, his wife, him
or all of them. Maybe counseling would help maybe not.

Please do not torture yourself and wait in limbo
You are not at fault here she is. Take care of yourself
first and most importantly. 

Hoping for the best for you, what ever you choose 
to do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

BigToe said:


> You don't have to apologize for snooping on her; you had intuition, it was correct and your snooping provided results. Now TALK to your wife...away from the kids, away from any distractions. Show her what you found. If you love her, tell her. If you don't want her to stray, tell her. Ask her what she is not getting from you. Ask her if your relationship is salvageable and how you can both work to keep it together. Finally, seek marriage counseling.


You get ONE SHOT at this. DO NOT take this pansy ass approach, or she will chew you up and spit you out. She will be the one in control, and you are in for nothing but misery in the coming months. You need a strong, no BS approach to this, or don't bother confronting her at all.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> You get ONE SHOT at this. DO NOT take this pansy ass approach, or she will chew you up and spit you out. She will be the one in control, and you are in for nothing but misery in the coming months. You need a strong, no BS approach to this, or don't bother confronting her at all.


Completely true, I hope he gets the message before he confronts...


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## bdbogus (Dec 3, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Completely true, I hope he gets the message before he confronts...


Loud and clear....


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

katies said:


> OMFG. Stop playing the pick me dance and trying to "nice" her back into a relationship with you.
> If I found these texts, after all hubby and I have been through, his shat would be on the lawn and the door locks changed. So inappropriate I'd tell him to go for it. I'll divorce him so he can be free to date this person. And then he would be kicked out.
> seriously dude, grow a pair.
> 
> Also, send those texts to his wife. Likely, she's waiting for the final straw.


You rock. 

Also this is the only way to save the relationship as well. Respecting yourself enough to demand respect is return.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

The time for "talking" has long passed. Action, man, ACTION.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Any updates on this one????


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## Silkysean (May 16, 2018)

Here’s my two cents I went thru exact situation except it was high school ex and a couple of new men just randomly flirting.When I asked if something was wrong I got a no.Well I did what you did and was floored by what I read.Meetings,coffee,etc.. random flirting but yet can’t answer my calls.Cheating is cheating for women it’s emotion.So we live together and now are friends until kids graduate high school next year then I’m down.I tried to give more attention etc.. knowing she was flirting etc.. with other men.Then when I did it to her it was a problem she didn’t like it at that point I let her know I knew it all and tried to work on us while you were super selfish and first thing she said was a invaded her right to privacy and at that point I knew then what my choice was any married person who thinks like this is a problem why lock and hide things yet expect trust Nope goes both ways.If you sit back too much longer are you willing to wait to let her sleep with him.Either stop it now and let her know or walk away


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Like others have said, you need to take action now and confront your wife.

If she gets angry at your snooping, so what, you have every right to protect your marriage.

If your wife does not value the marriage enough that she is willing to throw it away, you have an answer.

You will have to be in a position and ready to walk away from it all if it comes down to it, otherwise any action you take will be meaningless.

If you are willing you can even post copies of your evidence on your/her facebook/etc and expose that way.

Nothing stops an affair like exposure.

Good luck.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

My mom is a serial cheater. These messages remind me a lot of what I’ve (unfortunately) seen from her. 

This isn’t about you being “nice” to her. It isn’t about the other guy. It’s about your wife and your marriage. You need to confront her ASAP and go from there. Don’t accept “I’m sorry”. You need to see a marriage counselor or leave. 
You can stop this emotional affair...but there will just be another.


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## bdbogus (Dec 3, 2016)

***UPDATE***

All,

Thanks for all the words/advice. Confronted the wife and Tuesday evening and had a two and half hour talk. She admitted to being wrong, of course she was upset that I was snooping her text messages (easily refuted with a "doesn't excuse the content"). She said it felt good to have someone talk to her and affirm her (which I do often). She's probably also going through the beginning stages of menopause so there's those "hormonal" issues.

In the end, we have a better understanding and she agreed to MC/IC which is a first and a major step forward for her and us. This has been a major point of friction for her in the past as she acknowledged issues in her upbringing and seeing her parents relationship (or lack thereof).

We're not 100% good at this time but are a lot better than we were and are headed the right direction and communication is much better.

Again, thanks for everyone's input.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

So that means no contact right? 

Send copies of the message to the OME, just to show you mean business .

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

bdbogus said:


> ***UPDATE***
> 
> All,
> 
> ...


I don't see any mention of No Contact (NC) with OM/High Sheriff? If that is not priority #1 for both of you, then they're still in contact and you've done nothing but put her on alert to be more careful with her communications.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

bdbogus said:


> ***UPDATE***
> 
> All,
> 
> ...


Hormonal issues is not an excuse. Do not treat it as such. Snooping, in a marriage it is an open book with everything. Except, bathroom visits at natures call.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

bdbogus said:


> ***UPDATE***
> 
> She's probably also going through the beginning stages of menopause so there's those "hormonal" issues.
> 
> ...


oh brother. Everyone has some kind of issue. HOW we deal with the issue/pain is the sole responsibility of the adult. 
Please don't let her off the hook.
Tell her to deal with her shat and then walk away.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

OP - did she acknowledge this as an active EA? Explain her feelings for the OM? Why she went out of her way to rekindle to begin with? Or simple downplay and rug sweep? 

Seems like a serious lack of accountability (lack of affirmation is your fault, hormones causing her to act out is not her fault, etc.). Dangerous signs.


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## bdbogus (Dec 3, 2016)

BigDigg said:


> OP - did she acknowledge this as an active EA? Explain her feelings for the OM? Why she went out of her way to rekindle to begin with? Or simple downplay and rug sweep?
> 
> Seems like a serious lack of accountability (lack of affirmation is your fault, hormones causing her to act out is not her fault, etc.). Dangerous signs.


She did acknowledge the EA. I explained that I believe the OM was planting the seeds to get back together with her as an exit strategy to his life/marriage. 

I did send a note to the OM and he acknowledged and there has been no further communication since then.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

bdbogus said:


> She did acknowledge the EA. I explained that I believe the OM was planting the seeds to get back together with her as an exit strategy to his life/marriage.
> 
> I did send a note to the OM and he acknowledged and there has been no further communication since then.


Nice job! No lawyers, no PI's, just straight talk with your wife. Being cautious is in order and remember to "trust, but verify". I know you two have your work cut out for you but give it your best shot. Wishing you the best!


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

BigToe said:


> just straight talk with your wife.


who of course is a consummate truth teller.

Did you tell his wife?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

bdbogus said:


> She did acknowledge the EA. I explained that I believe the OM was planting the seeds to get back together with her as an exit strategy to his life/marriage.
> 
> I did send a note to the OM and he acknowledged and there has been no further communication since then.


Stay vigilant. Tell OM W if you are able. OM W is your eyes/ears on the other end of the mess. Is you W getting into some IC to find the reason for needing validation from douche bag when her validation is coming direct from her H?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

bdbogus said:


> So how do I stop this ASAP with letting her know where it's coming from?


How do you stop this? Really? First you bust you wife’s chops for having an EA. Secondly, tell her if she is so enamored with him get the **** out and you will be filing for divorce. Tell her you want her Happy so go to him, but you will not be plan B.

It is not rocket science man. Common sense. Pretty simple don’t you think?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

bdbogus said:


> She did acknowledge the EA. I explained that I believe the OM was planting the seeds to get back together with her as an exit strategy to his life/marriage.
> 
> I did send a note to the OM and he acknowledged and there has been no further communication since then.


Sir, I respectfully must disagree. After reading the texts your wife wrote, I have zero doubt that your wife was the one that was the aggressor. The OM showed interest, that’s about it.

Your wife is actively SEARCHING for someone to have an affair with. She was peeved st your “snooping”—- that shows lack of remorse.

I am just looking at what I’ve read, but I think your assessment of the whole situation is wrong.
I don’t think your wife is low drive, she’s just not into YOU anymore. I think it’s just a matter of time until she finds a man to cheat with and you e go enothing but delay the inevitable.
But I wish you luck in repairing your marriage, if it’s possible because there are TWO willing partners.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

bdbogus said:


> I explained that I believe the OM was planting the seeds to get back together with her as an exit strategy to his life/marriage.


Wait - you explained this to her? We see what we want to see...thank goodness you were there to protect your innocent wife from this predator!


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## Normm (May 17, 2018)

BigDigg said:


> Wait - you explained this to her? We see what we want to see...thank goodness you were there to protect your innocent wife from this predator!


So true. This poor sap sees his wife as the innocent victim and the other man as the predator who used his skills and cunning to manipulate her against her will to do his bidding. 

I sort of get it, it's all part of the denial system which eases the shock and pain when something like this happens. Problem is it doesn't leave the person experiencing it in any position to take corrective action. 

Sort of like a rat in a cage, given a puzzle to solve to get out of the cage and rather than even try it just eats the cheese. Because it's hungry. Or something like that.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Normm said:


> So true. This poor sap sees his wife as the innocent victim and the other man as the predator who used his skills and cunning to manipulate her against her will to do his bidding.
> 
> I sort of get it, it's all part of the denial system which eases the shock and pain when something like this happens. Problem is it doesn't leave the person experiencing it in any position to take corrective action.
> 
> Sort of like a rat in a cage, given a puzzle to solve to get out of the cage and rather than even try it just eats the cheese. Because it's hungry. Or something like that.


Good grief this is so true... 

In my bad old days, I used to concentrate on bored married woman. And no offense girls, they were just so easy. 

Now that was my bad old day, have not done that is several years...


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

He is the aggressor ? Really you believe that?
I read the text messages between them. I would suggest
you go back and read them again. He wants to meet for
lunch. She wants a drink ?She wants to see him and it makes 
her nervous. Nervous about what ? If she could go back 30
years she would change things. Change her life with him.
Meaning not with you!! 

You said her family has had issues, well she does to.
How many times a WW problems on TAM can be traced 
back to family issues ? I would suggest counseling but
you probably will not suggest it to her anyways.

She got upset and accused you of snooping and probably
said she needed attention and validation on and on.
That is called blame shifting. It is your fault not hers.
We told you she would probably do that. You gave her
a way out and an excuse so she took it. She was 
clearly looking to cheat with this guy. Read her text 
messages and you will see it. She was pursuing him!!

Stay vigilant and keep snooping because the next 
time she will be more covert and underground. 
I suggest access to all social media, purchases 
( Burner phone ) credit cards etc. Counseling also.

I truly hope I am wrong but stay vigilant and 
we all hope for the best for you.


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## Normm (May 17, 2018)

Here we have a documented text exchange that to uninvolved 3rd parties is clearly a typical mutual affair and yet to the betrayed spouse, it's an entirely different interpretation "predator and prey". 

You aren't going to be able to change someone's mind when their denial is so deep. 

Despite the well meaning advice of so many responders on this thread, the person who started this thread is most likely shaking his head and thinking "nobody gets it". He may eventually figure it out but it could take years. It's not going to happen any time soon, and he has to do it on his own. That's how therapy works. You try to pry the door open a bit so some of the truth and reality trickles in but the person needs to be able to process it and in many cases it takes a whole bunch of time for any real progress to be made.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I agree with you Normm and Bluespower also.

I guess you read the same text messages I
did. But all we can do is give our prospective
and advise. It is up to the original poster 
to decide. 
Take care.


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## BrokenRose (May 31, 2018)

You are not blowing this out of proportion. You can see it in her words that this is beyond mere freindship. A similar situation happened to me about 4 years ago. I discovered it on New Years night in 2015, and have not been the same since then. I am in unhappy marriage 4 years after mine was caught reminiscing with a high school crush, and it lead to sexting, and then it lead to him "wishing she could get a ride to **** him at his workplace". 
I never did that to him, and I consider his actions 100% adultery. If they do it in secret, then they know it shouldn't be done. He was doing that all the while I was lonely and trying to get his attention for romance. Didn't budge. Did not even remember my anniversary, my birthday, and could care less about making time for us any other day, but he remembered to sext with another woman, right next to me. He was literally telling me that he loved me while telling her he wanted to **** her while I was at home.
I have given everything I can up to this point in time to make things better.
Do not end up like myself; lonely, desperate, feeling unworthy and unwanted, a dead bedroom, no romantic gestures (not even small ones), no special time together other than domestic routine, no promises kept, no changes in the things that lead to the secret texts, trust for him is nonexistent, I have become a jealous monster when I never was before, he is fat, sick and dying, and I am dying inside along with him.My marriage feels like involuntary servitude at this point. I am not allowed to be angry for not receiving romance or sexual pleasure for months on end because apparently him helping with chores and errands should be romantic enough for me.
This all started with a text just like yours.
Put your foot down now.
Do not stand for it. 
Make demands to resolve this immediately, in any way that you can.
If she cannot agree to it, leave her, or you will find yourself in my shoes.


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