# Reformed LD



## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

...well, kind of.

When my H and I started dating, I had what I would say is a medium-high drive; we were having sex probably 2x a week. Now it's maybe 2x/month on a good month.

I can list all of the things going wrong in our relationship that leads me to not feeling as amorous, but I think the majority blame lies on me: sometime in the three years since we met my drive has changed. He doesn't vocalize it but I think my husband feels like I "bait and switch"ed him.

I contribute it mainly to BC; I'm on the Mirena IUD and have noticed that it seems to make me somewhat moody and less interested. But, since last time we tried just condoms as BC we ended up miscarrying I'm wary of going back to that being our only form of BC. I wasn't on BC when we met.

So barring getting rid of the BC, I know I have to try and initiate more. Once we're in the act I'm a more than willing partner, and I love sex with my H, it's just getting there that's difficult for me mentally. 

I should probably add that he has been making more of an effort to be sweet/responsive/work with my Love Language. He's not perfect but he's definitely putting forth effort.

Is there anyone else that has this problem, and if so, how did you manage?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

1. Spend time thinking about sex. Think and remember how good it feels. 
2. Squeeze those kagel muscles as you think and relive the feelings. 

3. Surreptitiously touch your erogenous areas throughout the day. As you run you fingernails slowly up your arms, imagine it is him doing the slow seduction. 

4. Simple lists of the various places you want to have sex, imagining how good it is, how fun, how dangerous, how risky, how baaaaaad!


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Basically turn myself on every day  Got it!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, basically turn yourself on. Thats pretty much what you did when you were dating, right? You thought about him, about his arms around you, about his you know what inside you, about his mouth you know where...

Once we get married we have to be adults and instead of daydreaming about making out we make grocery lists, chore lists, and instead of googling sexy lingerie we google plumbers!

Refuse to grow up! Peter Pan forever!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> 1. Spend time thinking about sex. Think and remember how good it feels.
> 2. Squeeze those kagel muscles as you think and relive the feelings.
> 
> 3. Surreptitiously touch your erogenous areas throughout the day. As you run you fingernails slowly up your arms, imagine it is him doing the slow seduction.
> ...


I'm going to get my girlfriend to read this. To me. Out loud. Hot.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> I'm going to get my girlfriend to read this. To me. Out loud. Hot.


Well okay then, but you'll have to report back.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Try doing some flirting back and forth with him during the day...sexting during the day....slow build up all day long. I have the reverse senerio...but should work for you like it works for my hubby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Well, day 1 was a success. All it took was "we have 20 minutes until dinner's ready..."

And he went "oh"...and then thought about it and went "OH"! 

Here's another weird question though: I've noticed in the past, I can't really do multiple separate orgasms. I mean, when he does bring me there, he doesn't usually let off until I've come several times...but after that I'm just too sensitive, it's uncomfortable for me when he tries to turn me on. Any other ladies experience this, and if so, how do/did you handle it?

I am in NO WAY complaining...I'm lucky to have such a good lover. But I'm trying to adapt and do this more, and learning as I go.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> Well, day 1 was a success. All it took was "we have 20 minutes until dinner's ready..."
> 
> And he went "oh"...and then thought about it and went "OH"!
> 
> ...


Hahahahahahahahaha love it!


I'm confused. Are you saying you have a difficult time completing sex after you've had several orgasms, or that you can go again later? 

If it is the first scenario, the easiest way would be that you only get one or two orgasms before he finishes, then you get a few more.

If it is the second scenario, this is where you have to communicate that your are too sensitive to go for orgasms but not too sensitive to take care of him...letting him catch up with you in terms of orgasms... Hopefully, he can let go his desire to always bring you off and allow you to just be there for him, loving the fact that he wants you so much!


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I apologize, I didn't explain well.

My husband will bring me to orgasm (often several times in one/for a prolonged period of time), but after that initial orgasm I am way too sensitive to orgasm a second time. In my husband's perfect world, I would O, then we would both O simultaneously or as close to it as possible; however, I simply can't do that.

I've never left him hanging, and I do try to talk and let him know that really, I'm beyond satisfied with what he does do for me. It might just be a silly hangup of his.

I think the funniest thing about last night was in the beginning, we hadn't locked the dogs up. One of my dogs wandered over and was curious about the going-ons, and licked my cheek while we were kissing. That made me jump!


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Could you switch to the Paragard IUD (no hormones)? I had one and loved it!


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Re: the sensitivity thing -- maybe train him to switch from stimulating your clitoris to stimulating your breasts/buttocks? And then he can go at it again when you've recovered?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> I apologize, I didn't explain well.
> 
> My husband will bring me to orgasm (often several times in one/for a prolonged period of time), but after that initial orgasm I am way too sensitive to orgasm a second time. In my husband's perfect world, I would O, then we would both O simultaneously or as close to it as possible; however, I simply can't do that.
> 
> ...


Oh yes those dogs want to know if they can get whatever is causing those yummy yum sounds! 

Some women do get too sensitive after an orgasm and don't want to go for another. I have heard that using additional lube might help decrease friction so the skin isn't rubbed raw. 

There are several threads here where men have posted about their need to bring her off, to be a champion in bed and bringing her off is the only way they can feel satisfied. This takes a lot of conversation, honest hard conversation so both are working to meet needs.

So how did it work? keeping your thoughts purposefully engaged in sex and sensual thoughts? Did you find it helpful? Do you think it is too much work? We learn from each other so share your thoughts.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

bewilderness: As I haven't had children yet, I'm not sure a doctor would be willing to get me such long-term BC. Most OBs I've spoken with don't even like to give the Mirena out to childless women; I got lucky. I am seriously considering it though, most BC makes me a ball of crazy and I don't enjoy that.

Anon: Oh, him bringing me off is not an issue! I think he thinks it has to be a porno-style sexfest of pleasure for me though, and maybe we do need to discuss that.

It was an odd adjustment, actually making myself think about my sensuality and our intimacy. I watched some porn as well. I think just thinking to myself "tonight we are having sex" and not allowing the usual excuses to come in really helped.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> And he went "oh"...and then thought about it and went "OH"!


LOL - Sounds like something I would say...


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Day 2...not sure if I cheated or not, but we both felt a little under the weather (bad food made us sick) so just a bj. We also had a talk about frequency - he wants 3x/week, I'm happy with 1, maybe 2x/week.

I think my objective for now is to attempt to do every day for the next week and then figure out where I'm comfortable/how frequent I can maintain.

Informed him that O is not my primary objective in sex - I think that was eye opening for him. Had to clarify that didn't mean NEVER give me one, just that I don't mind if every once in a while it's all about him.

He's starting to learn not to force himself on me, as well. He used to get to a point where it felt like every interaction we had was him attempting foreplay. I think I'm finally figuring out that if he gets sex regularly he won't treat me like a sex object. Yay me!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> Informed him that O is not my primary objective in sex - I think that was eye opening for him. Had to clarify that didn't mean NEVER give me one, just that I don't mind if every once in a while it's all about him.
> 
> He's starting to learn not to force himself on me, as well. He used to get to a point where it felt like every interaction we had was him attempting foreplay. I think I'm finally figuring out that if he gets sex regularly he won't treat me like a sex object. Yay me!


Excellent about the communication. You two are really getting the understanding each other down pat!

The part about affection=I want sex. When a woman feels like she can't keep up with his sex drive, just hearing a nice word to two begins to feel like "he's coming on to me, he wants sex again, I have to nip this in the bud..." So she gets all snarky so he doesn't get his hopes up. It's a vicious downward spiral!

So as you try to ramp up your sex drive, hopefully you'll be able to take the affection for what it is, a gesture to show love and attraction, that doesn't always mean I Want Sex...even if it actually does mean that. You don't have to get defensive and nip it in the bud.

This is really good! Your husband is a lucky man Daisy.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Day 3 didn't go well. We both passed out early. I plan on surprising him tonight as soon as I get off work to make up for it. He likes my uniform so I wonder how he'll feel about "helping" take it off


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Love being undressed! Can't actually remember the last time it happened though but I can remember a time that it was sooooo hot!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> 1. Spend time thinking about sex. Think and remember how good it feels.
> 2. Squeeze those kagel muscles as you think and relive the feelings.
> 
> 3. Surreptitiously touch your erogenous areas throughout the day. As you run you fingernails slowly up your arms, imagine it is him doing the slow seduction.
> ...


I have to pipe in... as a reformed LD... I did all of this, it worked, for a little while, if your partner isn't willing to also work to get you aroused, it sucks playing mind games with yourself. It lasted about a year for me, intiating, etc, and then my drive just fell off. I got tired of putting myself in the mood, I felt like my dh should do more to help me get there... be more loveing, kiss me more, hug me more, etc... he noticed the sharp decline because it was very obvious and asked me about it. So be prepared for some setbacks, it's not a magical thing that will stay forever, it's a constant ebb and flow, and you both have to be a part of it.... but these things are the start, you have to get yourself out of "mommy/wife mode" and back into "lover" mode. Once you start that, the rest will work itself out, even if you hit some bumps in the road as we have  three years in and despite some bumps, never more than one week goes by... and in addtion, my husband has learned that sometimes sex is just for him, to meet his needs, just as he does random things for me to meet my needs (totally different love languages) but this must be enthusiastic sex, where you are still emotionally invested in meeting his needs, but maybe put your own orgasm on the backburner because you just arne't feeling it... and contrary to what many will say on here, there is nothing wrong with that.


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