# does he value me?



## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

I have been with my husband for 21 years married 12.We are now having problems. He has always been a driven hard worker and awesome provider,but fairly cold emotionally.When i was younger in the early years of our relationship i was a bit jealous and clingy,which he hated and split up with me for 2 months over.I learned to be independent and do my own thing which has served me well over the years.Tried for 2 years to have a baby and most of that time he was demanding and horrible making me feel like a failure,constantly saying well so and so's wife is preg and whats wrong with you.I finally did get pregnant in dec of last year. I felt like i could redeem myself finally.I told him I was and ..no emotion
Fast forward 6 weeks i get 1st ultrasound looks kinda strange,i was very upset ,once again.. no emotion.So i wait more weeks in total panic only to find I have a baby that died in there and a pre cancerous mass and have to have surgery.I come home and tell him devastated and i get no hug no sorry nothing.Hurt like h*ll.So I get the surgery,I recover without him at my side and now I have depression.He is mad and unhappy that I can't "just get over it" He approaches me for s*x with you wanna F.I don't even want it,I am anxious and have my guard up when he is home and now I only feel happy when I am alone.I suggested marriage counseling and he tells me I am not the one who is F'd up .I wish to go by myself and he says no you will make me look bad.I tried talking to my sister and he listens and gets mad at that too.I am now to the point where I go walk around the store and just look at stuff as i am bored and unhappy , now i "live" at the store so he says.So I ask him in a big fight what will make you happy and he says I want a wife who cooks cleans works and takes care of me,all of which I do just lately i feel the need to be alone and try to heal myself.So I am trying to keep the house and everything just its not as good as usual.Im not feeling the love for him atm guess i am a biotch.I am lost Sorry so long


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

*hugs*


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Wish I had something concrete to tell you. It's difficult to work through a problem with someone who is fundamentally unwilling to participate in the process. I think you just have to keep trying to calmly communicate with him. Tell him in a calm and intellectual manner what's important to you - what you're missing in the relationship. Is it bad enough that you'd consider leaving him if it doesn't get better? If so - tell him it's a deal breaker, not as a threat but just that you can't live without getting these needs met - you want him to meet them but if he can't you'll have to re-evaluate the relationship. He certainly sounds disconnected from you and the marriage. I went through something similar, where over the years my wife and I just started taking our relationship fore granted. It led to my having an emotional affair. It took that affair and the subsequent trauma to slap both of us across the face and make us realize we needed to work at our relationship, just like people in new relationships work at theirs. It also made me realize that I had become disconnected and was treating my wife like a child. After I realized what I was doing I stopped and we are both much happier. A very very high price to pay - I wouldn't recommend it but I'm glad that it snapped me out of it and brought me back into my marriage.

Hope that helps at least a little - communication is key -just keep trying.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Madbunny said:


> I suggested marriage counseling and he tells me I am not the one who is F'd up .I wish to go by myself and he says no you will make me look bad.
> 
> So I ask him in a big fight what will make you happy and he says I want a wife who cooks cleans works and takes care of me,all of which I do just lately i feel the need to be alone and try to heal myself.So I am trying to keep the house and everything just its not as good as usual.Im not feeling the love for him atm guess i am a biotch.I am lost Sorry so long


I really feel for you. 

He says you are not the one who is F'd up. So I take that to mean that he knows that he is? He says no to counseling because he's worried what he'll look like to a therapist? Well, tough. This isn't just about him. This is about YOU. Part of being independent is recognizing what you need to do for yourself. You've listened to your H but if you need someone to talk with, then do that. 

You have been through a lot recently (you both have, even if he doesn't express it). If you're able to, calmly communicate with him what depression is and that he needs to adjust his expectation of you for the moment. At the same time, tell him what you need from him. You definitely need to time to heal yourself. I hope you can find a way to do this. Please be forgiving and loving to yourself.


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