# Bitter and resentful



## Halloweenjack (Mar 3, 2017)

I have been married for 20 years, two adorable children (13 and 9). Over the past two years, I have become resentful and bitter toward my wife about money and other things.

About 8 years ago, before my youngest was born, my wife wanted to move to a different expensive neighborhood. The key was to be in a good public school district. We were both working at that time. We had looked at many houses just before my son was born, some I liked, but she didn't. She wanted this particular house, that was more than our budget, and kind of talked me into that everything would be fine, as she would increase her hours to help out. I voiced my concerns that I didn't want to be a slave to a mortwgage, and want to be able to sleep at night. She was working for her father. Within a couple of months of moving in, her father died... and so did her job. I was making good money, and have increased it since the move. For 7 years, I kept up with the larger mortgage. I had to stop my 401k contributions in order to pay for everything (housing, bills, property tax, groceries, car payments etc). So my retirement funds are low, just for the sake of the house payments. 

My wife didn't get a job until last year, and it is a small part-time from home, which was fine initially, but she seems to have lower and lower amounts every month and doesn't really help. Any time I want to talk about money or budget she would roll her eyes, or get frustrated and usually ends up in an argument. She told me I should get a new job to make more money. We also have credit card debt because she can't seem to understand a budget. I attempted giving her own spending money ($200) every week to keep on a budget, but within the first day or so, it would be gone. 

On top of that, I do most things around the house, cooking for the family every night (she says she hates to cook), grocery shopping, mainly the one making lunches for kids, dishes, cleaning, trash etc. She would say she does the laundry, but once it comes out of the dryer, I can sit for days before it gets folded, so I end up doing that too.

Sex life is pretty non-existent, and she expects me to initiate every time. Even though she is affectionate outside of the bedroom. I know she loves me a lot, but she seems to ignore the amount of stress on me, and doesn't seemingly want to help out. She essentially wants to put her head in the sand, and let me take care of it.

I brought a lot of this stuff up recently, and she was surprised on how I felt, while some minor things have changed, it still the same. Even if we fixed everything, I don't know if I can get over my resentment and bitterness that I have that I make around $180k a year, and can't enjoy it, and do most of the chores.

I don't go out, or spend anything on myself, I have no life other than trying to keep a roof over my families head. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I now keep my head down to avoid arguments, and her making me feel like crap because I don't make as much as others in our neighborhood and don't provide her many vacations. When she wants to go away, she wouldn't want to go for anything cheap (must be five-star all the way). 

Thoughts? thank you for listening.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Serious entitled princess syndrome. Sad part is she will likely never change.

You seem scared of her. An open and frank discussion about a possible downsizing of the house is needed. Expect serious resistance. If this keeps going the way it is now the resentment will just grow till you literately blow up.

Oh, $180 grand a year is not peanuts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Do the work so that you have thought it all through and have a handle on what to say to her.

Then sit her down and tell her that you are profoundly unhappy and why. You need to be willing to tell her that you are seriously considering divorce but you want to save things. Ask her to read the books and work through them with you. 

You might also want to tell her that she has to go to marriage counseling with you.

If your wife got a job, what percentage of your joint income would she earn?

She needs to get a job and contribute as much as she can.

As long as she is not working, she needs to be doing the vast majority of things around the house.

I would also suggest some things for fixing your finances. You need to hire a financial planner and get them to talk to her. Get the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich", get her to read it.


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## Halloweenjack (Mar 3, 2017)

I don't think that I am "scared", it's just that I am just tired and close to giving up. But I can't as everything will fall apart with the amount of balls I juggle. 

Put it into context, her father was a doctor, who divorced her mother and then would make up for his guilt by paying for everything for his kids. I step in, and find myself in the shadow of her father.

For years, I have told her if we don't get within a budget, we need to sell the house... again it all turns back on me that I need to find a new higher paying job. I should be proud of my job, 10 years ago I was making about 75k, now at 180k. But it is never enough.

I feel trapped in my situation, even if I divorced, I would be worse off than I am now and and the kids would suffer. I feel that I now one of the people that it is cheaper to stick in this marriage than divorcing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Seriously.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Halloweenjack said:


> She told me I should get a new job to make more money. We also have credit card debt because she can't seem to understand a budget. I attempted giving her own spending money ($200) every week to keep on a budget, but within the first day or so, it would be gone.
> 
> On top of that, I do most things around the house, cooking for the family every night (she says she hates to cook), grocery shopping, mainly the one making lunches for kids, dishes, cleaning, trash etc. She would say she does the laundry, but once it comes out of the dryer, I can sit for days before it gets folded, so I end up doing that too.
> 
> Sex life is pretty non-existent, and she expects me to initiate every time. Even though she is affectionate outside of the bedroom. I know she loves me a lot, but she seems to ignore the amount of stress on me, and doesn't seemingly want to help out. She essentially wants to put her head in the sand, and let me take care of it.


Twenty years? I'm starting to feel resentful about your wife after three minutes. The good news for you is that your wife seems very easy to replace and upgrade. Seriously, what the hell are you doing wasting your life?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Read this:

https://www.amazon.com/Your-Perfect-Right-Assertiveness-Relationships/dp/1886230854

She's walking all over you and you're not pushing back.

Also read everything everyone else wrote.

Get back into a budget, even if it means taking your paycheck and putting it in a separate account.

Start standing your ground but it's going to be tough. She's gotten her way so long she may never change.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Halloweenjack, are you aware that you have a third child instead of a partner? The eye rolling and blame when you stress to her that you can't afford it makes it sound like you have a teenage daughter, not a wife! 

By all means, pick up that book EleGirl recommended, "No More Mr. Nice Guy", see a marriage counselor, see a financial counselor, and attempt to get your wife to act more mature and start compromising and contributing to the marriage but also see a lawyer and get a realistic picture of divorce because that is the road you are headed on without her making some big changes. Who knows if she can and will do that. Even if she does, maybe years of leaving you to do 90% of the work without any gratitude is just too much for you and that's okay. 

Take a different perspective to divorce when you consider it. Sure, you would lose the house you're already about to lose anyways and would have to live in something smaller but what would you gain? A social life. Dignity. Spending money. Considerably more free time and less stress. And with time you will gain a real partner and all the benefits of someone else having your back instead of you needing to parent them and fight with them to have your most basic of needs met. Your future wife may make you wonder why you even stuck around in this marriage, overworked, nearing your breaking point, and under appreciated, for so long. You deserve a fulfilling marriage and happiness too, you know. The choice is up to you but do give it some time and a fair consideration.


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## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

Wow, you sound like you are an extremely giving husband. I didn't even know there were women who get away with that!!! Maybe you can start a slow reverse by telling her you put in a hard day and it is her job to take care of the things at home if she is a stay at home parent. It is wonderful that you help her out some when you can!! 

I'm visiting this thread because of my own financial related husband problem today and saw this post. $200 a week is a lot of money!! My husband makes very good money but he won't give me anything anymore! We have kids in private schools and nearly everything goes to that or things he decides we need. I do all the cooking, cleaning, kids appts., school stuff, laundry. He won't even lift a finger around the house... if I ask him to take out the trash he yells for my son. What am I doing wrong???!!! He doesn't give me any money. I have to sell things online to earn my own spending money. You are really being taken advantage of. You don't deserve it! I feel like I am probably too.


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## Halloweenjack (Mar 3, 2017)

Thank you for all your comments, and suggestions. It is very therapeutic to be honest for me to try and vocalize my situation. I tend to keep things bottled up too long. I am British, and I guess it is the "stiff upper lip" in me!

I think this all started when I was a "hands-on" husband and dad. But my wife did less and less, so I picked up the slack. With the young kids, I used to walk through the door at 6pm after a 6am work start, and she would be at the door, and hand me the baby, and say "ok your turn" and then leave. So I would have to do it all, and she would tell me to text her when they are in bed. How f'd up? I took that, I until I blew up. 

I have attempted just not to do so much around the house and just leave it to her, she would get "overwhelmed" and ***** about it all, and sighing, and snapping at the kids. So, I would help out, and then end up doing all. I am just a guy that try's to help people, and ends up the unhappiest.

I have thought about divorce, but my daughter has a bad anxiety issue, and would hate to see my decision to divorce affecting my kids. If I divorce, doesn't that mean that I am putting my desires before the needs of my kids who would thrive better with married mom and dad?

So many times, I start feeling that I am the one that has messed this up, because I set the expectation of how much I would put into help, and just kept going, until last year. It was odd because it was like a big hammer coming down on me. Last year, she went through a months where she would go to bed around 5pm, and leave me literally everything in the evening and wouldn't wake up until 9am after I did everything in the morning. I didn't say anything, and that is my fault. But I found myself enjoying that she was asleep, because I didn't need her complaining! Its usually about money.

Redpoppies - I am sorry to hear of your situation, I hear that a lot from other wives. When my wife tells them how much I do, those wives tell me how they are frustrated with their husbands not helping etc. Yes, I always thought that $200 was a lot of money, but it would disappear. Giving her cash on Sunday, it would be gone by Tuesday afternoon... You sound like me in questioning "what have I done wrong".


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## Halloweenjack (Mar 3, 2017)

A couple of other things, my wife knows full well how much financial stress I am under, she has the ability to increase her part time work hours, but doesn't. If I saw my wife under stress like that, I would do anything to secure a full time job to help. 

Geez, I even told the wife that I was thinking about being an Uber driver to try make ends meet! 

Recently, I have been having symptoms of an anxiety attack, I a, doing meditation to help. Sometimes, I would like to throw up my arms,say f this, and tell her to worry about it, and just living the way I want and get more into debt!

Thankfully, we have a good amount of money in home equity ($400-500k) and set to inherit from my father (~400k) but if we divorce, I am sure most of this would disappear with legal costs etc. Then I would be living pay check to pay check, paying child support, and depressed in a 1-bedroom studio. Isn't that a true example of between a rock and a hard place? Aren't I better off, waiting until the kids are older, and then trying to enjoy the remainder of my life?

I asked the wife if we could sell the the house (I live in LA), and we could buy a house for cash in many parts of the country, so I can allievate the stress and burden I am under. I won't tell you how she responded..... it wasn't pretty. Yeah, I know - I should grow a pair, and put my foot down. But I am always trying to make people happy, I just need someone to make me happy for a change.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I would redirect any energy in being an Uber driver and become an Uber in your circumspection... 

You are living way beyond your means and paying for it in sanity... not a very good trade.

In addition to the other suggested reads... perhaps: 

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

...you won't put it down once clarity comes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Halloweenjack said:


> A couple of other things, my wife knows full well how much financial stress I am under, she has the ability to increase her part time work hours, but doesn't. If I saw my wife under stress like that, I would do anything to secure a full time job to help.
> 
> Geez, I even told the wife that I was thinking about being an Uber driver to try make ends meet!
> 
> ...


Please read the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book.

See trying to make everyone else happy at your own expense does not work. For one thing, you resent your wife. So if you resent her, what's the point of what you are doing?

People lose respect for someone who does this... letting others push them around. Always being the 'nice guy'.

On thing about your inheritance. That is sole property, meaning that your wife has no right to it. So, when you get it, make sure you keep it in a separate account and do not co-mingle it with marital assets/income.

When your wife is working full time, how much can she make?


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

If your wife is spending 200 every couple days or so, that's thirty-six thousand a year! I'd get your paycheck into a separate account and give her an allowance. By the way, with the equity and inheritance and what you make, you will be just fine after a potential divorce. And your kids no doubt will be, too. They'll see less resentfulness and bitterness between you and your wife.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Just a note - better school districts may be worth the hassle if the education they provide can lead to greater things for your kids. As much as I hate the upkeep of our McMansion both my kids ended up in a far better situation because of their k-12 education.

The rest, is as other posters indicated. Entitled princess galore. Just control your spending, push your kids to their potential, and try to work out that side. 

Today is Friday and I'm sanding and priming wood trim for painting tomorrow. Then wash carpets... Paint 2nd floor... Etc. 

There's a good chance we will split soon so there's an interior​ motive for me to do all this. But downsizing now for you while staying in the same district may not be financially appealing due to selling costs.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

From your post it sounds like you're a sperm donor, a wallet, a maid, a cook, a punching bag, and a carpet. Your wife sounds like a mistake you regret making. 

It's true that we teach people how to treat us. It's not too late to change your attitude, but know that if you do this, it's going to require persistence and giant, brass balls you currently don't have. Hence all the good reading material that's been recommended. 

I'm going to speak in very detached generalizations for a moment. Your wife has no respect for you, BECAUSE you never stood up to her all those years. Women like your wife need a man at least as strong as she is stubborn and defiant. Instead, she got a yes man who is afraid of her and her power over just about everything, and now you are where you are. Your wife is plenty to blame here (I think she's appallingly disrespectful) but so are you. You let yourself and your kids down. It's time to be kinder to yourself. 

Why is your daughter so high anxiety? I understand your desire to not disturb her world, but her world is disturbed already by watching and learning from two parents that do not love and respect each other. That's what she is learning to be normal and acceptable for a marriage. Mothers can treat fathers with disrespect and it's OK. Fathers shouldn't and won't defend themselves. It might be making her sad that you don't defend yourself, and she looks on and absorbs it. Children can and do feel the tension when things aren't peachy. Even if she may seem wildly different in personality now, make no mistake that some day she will become like your wife, unless you intervene. 

Instead of working around your daughter's anxiety, I'd suggest you work through it, with the assistance of professional help. That will be more valuable to her in the long run than keeping her and yourself in an unhappy household. Getting our world rocked is a necessary part of life. You can't spare your daughter from reality all the time. If life decides to rock her world, better you be there to guide her through it, but the truth is that you won't always be. Teach her to work through this now, with a therapist, and she'll always have the tools to soothe herself and maintain resilience in the future.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You need to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Seriously.


This.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Are you familiar with a author and speaker David Ramsey? Sell the house! Get a smaller one. Cut up the credit cards. Otherwise you will drop dead of stress and your wife will find another sucker to give just enough sex to so they will start paying the bills.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

From what you described your wife is a horrible human being. Now in reality I seriously doubt you would have married a horrible human being so I'm pretty sure there's another side to this story. Either way, have you told her that if she doesn't get her stuff together and start helping out more that you will leave. I understand about talking about budgets and arguments. I have the exact same problem and unfortunately the level of resentment I feel because of our financial situation is extreme. I literally stopped looking at bank and credit card statements because I get so angry and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it short of leaving and then being even worse off. It's hard to really put your all into somebody who you view as the sole cause of you never being able to reach the financial goals you hoped and dreamed for. I'm getting pissed off just writing this. Ughh. If I could do this all over again things would have been a lot different.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

I don't see your wife a horrible human being. You were just too soft and she become entitled. This is manageable.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

These kinds of posts make me so angry, I swear.... entitle princess women who take and take like this. I am single and struggle day to day, paycheck to paycheck, I have for my entire adult life. There is no way in hell someone making $180K a year should be struggling. Time to put your foot down, hard. Stop ASKING her if you can sell the damn house, TELL HER the house will be put up for sale. Limit or eliminate her access to the bank accounts. Unless you have small children at home all day, time for her to get to work full time to help pay down the debt. Your spouse is supposed to be your PARTNER, not your child.


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## sahtrader (Dec 19, 2017)

Sounds like your wife may be only thinking of herself. Perhaps there is something she could do to contribute. I'm kind of in the same boat she is, trying to figure out how to contribute financially. Maybe she has some sort of marketable talent. It may be as simple as baking bread and selling it to family and friends. Perhaps she needs to think about ways to save money on groceries and other items. Think your wife would ever consider homeschooling to avoid having to live in an expensive school district? She will need to try it our first so see if she can continue homeschooling.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Halloweenjack said:


> I don't think that I am "scared", it's just that I am just tired and close to giving up. But I can't as everything will fall apart with the amount of balls I juggle.
> 
> Put it into context, her father was a doctor, who divorced her mother and then would make up for his guilt by paying for everything for his kids. I step in, and find myself in the shadow of her father.
> 
> ...


You're scared. The reason it's obvious is because you never said no. You had and have every right in your marriage to say, no that is too much. No you need to help me with the finances. No we are a team, I am not your parent you have a responsibility to help us financial. No you have a responsibility to not spend as much to help us with our retirement. I say no all the time to my wife, and she says it to me. Actually that is a much more healthy dynamic. It means we compromise and sacrifice for each other. When you sacrifice for something I makes you much more invested in it's success. 

You need to figure out why it takes you being close to giving up before you had these conversations. No offense but you sound codependent. You should do some reading to figure that out. Read the book _Codependency no more_. 

As far as being worse off, you realize you are equating possessions to happiness. Seems like you have a very well paying job and some very nice possessions. has it made you happy? Maybe having less possessions but agency in your life will allow you be happy. Besides that all your work is for your ungrateful wife. NO WONDER YOU ARE NOT HAPPY. I am willing to bet not spending all you time and energy on an ungrateful wife happy no matter how it hits you financially will make you feel much more happy. You need to really analyze if your thinking on this is really true or just a pattern you are stuck in. Your wife's happiness should not be the endpoint for yours. Again that sounds like codependency to me. 

You need to change because at the very least as it is now without any consequence for you wife nothing is going to change with her. Maybe you changing will change her maybe it won't but that really isn't the reason. 

One more thing entitlement always grows and spreads into ever area of your life. I have read many stories about SAH spouses like your wife before (not all are like this by the way), I your case though basically they turn their partners into their parents and act like teenagers. They also make decisions like teenagers. Your wive's attitude leaves you very vulnerable. Entitlement is very dangerous in a marriage. If you are her parent in her mind, she probably will assume she can act out very badly (Say like cheating) and you will punish her like a parent but after being grounded everything will go back to normal. I can't tell you the number of times I have read threads like that. 

You have set up a parent child dynamic. That is not marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> These kinds of posts make me so angry, I swear.... entitle princess women who take and take like this. I am single and struggle day to day, paycheck to paycheck, I have for my entire adult life. There is no way in hell someone making $180K a year should be struggling. Time to put your foot down, hard. Stop ASKING her if you can sell the damn house, TELL HER the house will be put up for sale. Limit or eliminate her access to the bank accounts. Unless you have small children at home all day, time for her to get to work full time to help pay down the debt. Your spouse is supposed to be your PARTNER, not your child.


There is always two in a relationship like this. He is just as responsible for the dynamic they set up as she is.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

Halloweenjack said:


> Thankfully, we have a good amount of money in home equity ($400-500k) and set to inherit from my father (~400k) but if we divorce, I am sure most of this would disappear with legal costs etc. Then I would be living pay check to pay check, paying child support, and depressed in a 1-bedroom studio. Isn't that a true example of between a rock and a hard place? Aren't I better off, waiting until the kids are older, and then trying to enjoy the remainder of my life?


you should gain back your self respect (also I doubt you had it before)
your inheritance is the exception from marital assets
yes equity of the house will be likely split
however you will still have enough for the nice downpayment. No you won't end up in 1 bdr condo, who are you BS-ing?
Don't fight for the custody, fight for 50/50 parenting. These days judges are in favour of equal parenting. This will reduce your legal costs, because the fight will be nice and short. Also it will reduce the amount of your child support. 
sounds like you are whiny and your wife is so tired of you, that's why she acts like she does
once you stand up for yourself (which does not mean yelling and telling her bad things), you will see her attitude turn 180 degree
you have to have guts to "suddenly" lose your highly paid job and convince your wife to get a full time. that will save your from paying spousal support


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Halloweenjack said:


> I have been married for 20 years, two adorable children (13 and 9). Over the past two years, I have become resentful and bitter toward my wife about money and other things.
> 
> About 8 years ago, before my youngest was born, my wife wanted to move to a different expensive neighborhood. The key was to be in a good public school district. We were both working at that time. We had looked at many houses just before my son was born, some I liked, but she didn't. She wanted this particular house, that was more than our budget, and kind of talked me into that everything would be fine, as she would increase her hours to help out. I voiced my concerns that I didn't want to be a slave to a mortwgage, and want to be able to sleep at night. She was working for her father. Within a couple of months of moving in, her father died... and so did her job. I was making good money, and have increased it since the move. For 7 years, I kept up with the larger mortgage. I had to stop my 401k contributions in order to pay for everything (housing, bills, property tax, groceries, car payments etc). So my retirement funds are low, just for the sake of the house payments.
> 
> ...


I haven't read anyone's posts yet, so will just give mine and hope nobody else has the same thoughts.

My view:

EVERYTHING you are complaining about, is YOUR OWN FAULT. 

You make the money--- sell the house and get one YOU want. There's no discussing other than to find something else that she is willing to compromise on. And since you earn the bacon, your opinion should hold sway. I don't care whatever anyone says. YOUR opinion counts, and should be more important since you carry the weight of the full time job.

You don't get enough sex unless you initiate more. Who cares who initiates? That's bs. Gripe about her refusing you, her not showing any enthusiasm, etc. But not about who initiates. It's not THAT important.

How many hours you work, where you live, what you do in the home as far as cooking. ALL of that is YOUR CHOICE.

You need to man up, stop blaming everything on your wife because you don't have the willpower to stand up for yourself.

Start doing things your way, instead of building resentment and losing feelings for your wife. You said she loves YOU!!!!!

Then by golly, you need to do YOUR part and make sure things are going enough in your direction that you are able to keep your feelings for HER.

SO........ What say you? Have you wimped along and let her run the show, and now you're not pleased with the performance? What are you going to do about YOU running the show, now???? Divorce? I don't think that's called for, in this case.....


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Halloweenjack said:


> Thank you for all your comments, and suggestions. It is very therapeutic to be honest for me to try and vocalize my situation. I tend to keep things bottled up too long. I am British, and I guess it is the "stiff upper lip" in me!
> 
> I think this all started when I was a "hands-on" husband and dad. But my wife did less and less, so I picked up the slack. NO, you layed down and took the bull**** sandwich your wife attempted to feed you and you're choking on it. With the young kids, I used to walk through the door at 6pm after a 6am work start, and she would be at the door, and hand me the baby, and say "ok your turn" and then leave. So I would have to do it all, and she would tell me to text her when they are in bed. How f'd up? I took that, I until I blew up. And blowing up is wrong. Calmly telling your wife that she has a role to play, just as your role of breadwinner all day is being played by you, and that you are willing to help, but not be walked on. YOU ARE AT FAULT FOR ACCEPTING THE SANDWICH. YOU DIDN"T HAVE TO
> 
> ...


Just trying to swing the 2x 4 here. Anyone can look at your situation from the outside and see what you're doing wrong. It's harder from the inside. I get it. I'm not perfect, either. You just gotta start doing things and not saying things, or thinking things. DOING.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Wanted to chime in and say I'm in a very similar situation and I do realize that most of my situation is self-made; although some part of my situation is due to some circumstances of my wife's that was not controllable by anyone.

I need to stand up for myself more and all that goes along with it.

My wife is always mentioning that I do not treat her like a partner and in some ways she is correct. 

I have been the caretaker for almost everything for so long it is hard to step back from that.

For myself, I can see value in the comments already made so will have to follow it for myself as well.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread


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