# "I chose you."



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Even now, those words give me a feeling of utter disdain, along with the thoughts that came afterwards.

Should I be flattered?

Should I be falling at your feet in gratitude that I won this stupid pick-me competition that I had no idea I was a participant in?

How kind of you to choose me over your secret lover like a product on a shelf in the convenience store rather than an actual person with feelings of their own.

And here I thought I was a sure decision when asked to marry you.

Give me a break.

Sorry, I'm a little riled up today. So TAM, what was your response or thoughts if you had this gem uttered to you?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My response would be "I don't care". Cheating is just a deal breaker for me.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> My response would be "I don't care". Cheating is just a deal breaker for me.


As it is for me. Unfortunately, the phrase still gets to me sometimes.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Spoons027 said:


> *Even now, those words give me a feeling of utter disdain*, along with the thoughts that came afterwards.
> 
> Should I be flattered?
> 
> ...


As for how I would take such a think, you answered perfectly with your opening response, bolded above. I think you've perfectly described your own response simply and succinctly, as it is and as it should be.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

"I chose you."

Yep. I heard it, too.

But, my question was "...ok. But for what damned reason did you "choose" me...."

Because I was the first guy to come along who would accept your handicapped child as his own ? Or, maybe
I was just the first guy who came along that your son didn't hate.....

Because all the other loser schmos that you dated were alcoholics, drug-addicts, or married? .....

Because you would **** anything that walked on two legs or four, and everybody in town knew it, so I accepted
that you wanted your life to change, and believed God would provide the change ?

Because I was the only guy to come along who had christian values, a good income, a background which
made employment or contracts easy......

it sure as hell wasn't because you were attracted to me, because you respected and admired me, or any of the
LEGITIMATE reasons why someone would "choose" a husband.....you know, the ones which have to do with MY
needs, instead of only YOURS.....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Cheaters are max category one material for me - FFF (find, ****, forget), can't even trust them enough to be a FWB - category two.

There's alot better out there.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'd say,

"Well, you had already done that when you decided to marry me; so those words are nothing but an insult after your cheating. The question now is whether you're willing to earn my consideration for a second chance, because I'm the one that will be doing the choosing".


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Bananapeel said:


> My response would be "I don't care". Cheating is just a deal breaker for me.


For the win!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No. You chose to betray me, lie to me and waste part of my life.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> As for how I would take such a think, you answered perfectly with your opening response, bolded above. I think you've perfectly described your own response simply and succinctly, as it is and as it should be.


Aw, why thank you, good sir! :grin2:


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

TJW said:


> "I chose you."
> 
> Yep. I heard it, too.
> 
> ...


Yup. Lots of wasted time stewing over this. You chose me because you don't want to lose your comfy cushion security blanket, right? The convenient appliance that's cheaper to keep since no one wants to lose a lot of money with a divorce.

Well, shouldn't I just feel honored? :awink:


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Thanks, do you need help packing or can you handle that yourself.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

No, you did not choose me, you chose to **** another man ending the marriage.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Thanks, do you need help packing or can you handle that yourself.


Okay, I gotta know. Did your spouse tell you the phrase and was that what you thought or actually said?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Spoons027 said:


> Okay, I gotta know. Did your spouse tell you the phrase and was that what you thought or actually said?


No, I've have never dealt with infidelity, But I can imagine that it would drive me crazy, as someone saying "I chose you" would mean they were contemplating choosing the other man, and if that were the case then I like to think those would be my words.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I got "but I chose you" I believe my WW was trying to make me feel better but it was like a gift of a hornets nest in a box.

Clearly my WW was weighing all the factors unknown to me, wish I had been given the same information to make my decision to stay with her. 

I think it came down to OM was handsome, sex was electric, she felt superior to him but she couldn't introduce him to her parents without losing her reputation, he had lower long term earning potential, was depressed and she might have suspected him of being capable of domestic violence.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

I wonder when a WS says this if they think they are truly some kind of prize that the BS has won? Seriously. "I chose you" and what have I won - a cheating spouse? Its like winning a broken toy at a carnival. SMH


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Don’t think I ever heard that one.

If I had, I’d have likely pointed out that she was supposed to have been done with any sort of “choosing” yeeeaaaaarrrs before that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Spoons027 said:


> Even now, those words give me a feeling of utter disdain, along with the thoughts that came afterwards.
> 
> Should I be flattered?
> 
> ...


*Plan A versus Plan B, if you ask me! 

And you're not Plan A!*


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I wonder when a WS says this if they think they are truly some kind of prize that the BS has won? Seriously. "I chose you" and what have I won - a cheating spouse? Its like winning a broken toy at a carnival. SMH


Exactly. Like I should consider myself lucky I'm 'chosen' at all. 

Still makes me cringe.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I think it would suffice to simply reply that your time for choosing has come and gone. *I* am the one with some decision making to do now.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am curious was she puzzled after you said that your moving on...like a deer in headlights?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Here is what my answer would be: I was a choice only once, when I asked you to marry me. After you said ‘I Do’, I’m no longer a choice, I’m your commitment. You stray with someone else, The commitment is over and I won’t have anything to do with you. You took that risk, so **** you.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

"I chose you."

That's great. Now forgive me if I need a few years to determine whether I choose YOU or not.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> Even now, those words give me a feeling of utter disdain, along with the thoughts that came afterwards.
> 
> Should I be flattered?
> 
> ...


"I have decided to choose myself as well, bye!" Then, ghost, lawyer, divorce, exercise, heal, find someone better.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I have a nephew. Airforce Airframe Mechanic, now a civilian, mid 30's , awesome man.

He and his SO have had their share of pain in other relationships. They are a couple of love birds, and seem to really cherish theirs.

The first time I saw this was on one of her Facebook posts.

I thought it was a beautiful sentiment, because I knew she adores him.

Spoons, in the context you are referring to, it would give me a case of perpetual collywobbles.

Just saying.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Spoons027 said:


> Even now, those words give me a feeling of utter disdain, along with the thoughts that came afterwards.
> 
> Should I be flattered?
> 
> ...


Having read the reason the person said "I chose you" - my reaction is a physical feeling of rage building in my chest.
SO condescending. 
It is definitely NOT a feeling of gratitude or luckiness.
You chose me? It really is ENRAGING.
Someone commits to you.
Then lies and cheats on you.
Then acts like they did you a favor by not getting the hell out of your life?
Give your gift of choice to someone else.

And I wouldn't even believe the person. Maybe the other cheatee dumped them, so now they say "I chose you" to try to keep you.

They "chose" you? Who gives a ****. **** them.

OK, I've come to a conclusion. "I chose you" does NOT make things better.

I'm so sorry, so ashamed of myself, I lost my mind, I can't believe I disrespected you so... I only hope you will give me a chance to redeem myself... Those might be a better place to start.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Spoons027 said:


> Exactly. Like I should consider myself lucky I'm 'chosen' at all.
> 
> Still makes me cringe.


The most charitable interpretation is its tone deaf but I honestly think WS take a long time to break out of the self-centered mindset - if they ever do.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

_"But I chose you!"_ is apparently a close cousin to that other WS gem: _"But, I was never going to leave you!"_ My now-ex WS said both of those to me at various times. And, yes, I'm pretty sure he actually believed that I should be flattered. 

He absolutely believed that staying with me, not leaving me, was _way_ more important than all of his affairs could ever have been. In his mind, married men play. As long as they don't leave their wives for any of the OW, then no harm done. It's leaving your wife and children for an affair that is low-rent, not the affair itself. That's just harmless fun and doesn't concern or impact the wife in any way. 
:slap:


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Lets see: I have heard this in several meetings, it never fails to floor me. It is the comeback that I usually love. Best one; The WW was a serial cheater. He caught her no less than four times, yet she has the nerve to sit in my boardroom, and say, "Well, I always come back to you, don't I?" He let loose with, "You come back to the nice warm house, with the hot and cold running bank account, and the nice van that you use like a floating *****house." Her response, "What has gotten into you, you never speak to me like this!" His response; "Get used to it. We're here to unlace the last of our property, I am informing you as of this instant, we are done. Do not come back to the house tonight, and call a cab, because I have already sold MY VAN." She thought that we were going to do some tax planning, but he blindsided her. She looks at me, and asks if I am in on this? I tell her that her husband engaged me not to do tax, but to sever your relationship financially. AND here are the figures. She took a literal crap. He was the significant breadwinner. There were no kids. She made enough so that spousal support was not a factor, AND if she decided to fight, we had a pre nup in place, and she would get zero. I asked, "At this time, is it your intention to dispute these findings?" Knowing if she answered yes, he would invoke the prenup. WE HAD HER.

Every time I hear, that the wayward always came back to their BS, I laugh. One last good one, he kept coming back after he'd shack up with the latest squeeze. He was gone for little over a month, before it blew up. His BW was calling and leaving messages that he did not acknowledge. When he returned home, the locks were changed. He knocks and a stranger answers the door. He sees boxes all over the place, and the person says that they just moved in. He realized at that moment, that the house had been put in his wife's name for tax purposes. And she invoked her legal rights, took the proceeds, paid off the little mortgage and had a very nice (1.2 Million) cash nest egg. In fact all of his money was tied up in the house, and, she got it all. He spent a month looking for her, she was masterful. New credit cards, new bank accounts, and a nice long vacation in Europe, where he could not find her. Her divorce, of course found him.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Until when?

Where were those words when your wanker was hot for that other person? :|


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## Knips (May 23, 2017)

I chose you. Is it because you are plan B for you're lover and he has chosen his plan A. So you now settle now with you're plan B...? I don't think so. I choose to be single again...


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Decorum said:


> I have a nephew. Airforce Airframe Mechanic, now a civilian, mid 30's , awesome man.
> 
> He and his SO have had their share of pain in other relationships. They are a couple of love birds, and seem to really cherish theirs.
> 
> ...


“Collywobbles”. Now that’s a new one. I like it.

That’s very sweet to hear between your nephew and his SO though.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Knips said:


> I chose you. Is it because you are plan B for you're lover and he has chosen his plan A. So you now settle now with you're plan B...? I don't think so. I choose to be single again...


That’s exactly what it was. 

Didn’t want to be a part of some backup plan. No thanks. Don’t let the door hit your *** on the way out.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

I get the feeling that you're still married to this person, no? I don't know your story, but only the reconciling BS is asking this question. The one's that aren't are DIVORCED AND GONE, as the statement doesn't matter. If you are still with this WS, the statement 'I choose you', is one of many statements fed to the BS to keep them where the WS wants them. Hopefully, I'm wrong and you're already gone, but just revisiting the absurdity of your x.

If you're still with them though, you might want to evaluate not only how and why they continue to make manipulative statements like this, but most importantly why you are still with them to begin with. Manipulative statements are typically used on people who the manipulator can still manipulate successfully. The statement I choose you simply says, I loved f'n him/her, but trust me I never thought of leaving you. The last part 'I never thought of leaving you', was intended to narcissistic-ally keep you under his/her spell. Cheaters love those they can cheat on.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Tell her this.... Because you choose freedom.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

colingrant said:


> I get the feeling that you're still married to this person, no? I don't know your story, but only the reconciling BS is asking this question. The one's that aren't are DIVORCED AND GONE, as the statement doesn't matter. If you are still with this WS, the statement 'I choose you', is one of many statements fed to the WS to keep them where the WS wants them. Hopefully, I'm wrong and you're already gone, but just revisiting the absurdity of your x.
> 
> If you're still with them though, you might want to evaluate not only how and why they continue to make manipulative statements like this, but most importantly why you are still with them to begin with. Manipulative statements are typically used on people who the manipulator can still manipulate successfully. The statement I choose you simply says, I loved f'n him/her, but trust me I never thought of leaving you. The last part 'I never thought of leaving you', was intended to narcissistic-ally keep you under his/her spell. Cheaters love those they can cheat on.


The gist of it is that I found out, we tried r (in which The Phrase was spoken), which later turned out to be false when I found out the affair never ended, then I decided to divorce.

So no, we’re not together anymore, thank goodness. But the fked up things that were said to me, as well as the stupid decision to take them back the first time, are issues I still need to work through. 

Unfortunately, The Phrase is one of them.

Many of the points you made were true, they were just so sugar-coated in an effort to make me stay and not question anything else.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Spoons,

Have you ever posted your story?

I have skimmed over most of your posts and they are very vague and hypothetical for the most part. (Other than the post stating you are now divorced and why).

It is really hard to determine what is reality and what is a "what would you do if" or "how would you feels if" hypothetical questions.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

TDSC60 said:


> Spoons,
> 
> Have you ever posted your story?
> 
> ...


No. I haven’t posted it.

...I’d rather not, tbh.

Yes, most of the threads I have started are vague and hypothetical on purpose. Reading from other infidelity forums as well had topics that particularly resonated with/triggered me, and the threads were based off those. So I guess, it’s half-hypothetical, half-reality based.

This one is no different, I suppose. It just helps me cement the fact that some of the gut feelings I had when I was in the thick of it were validated and I’m not alone.

So yes, I suppose my threads are both hypothetical and open to knowing how others really felt as well. It was more for discussion, opinions and experiences than advice. That’s what I’m aiming for. Essentially, I’m just rehashing some of the issues I had. Sorry for the confusion.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> The gist of it is that I found out, we tried r (in which The Phrase was spoken), which later turned out to be false when I found out the affair never ended, then I decided to divorce.
> 
> So no, we’re not together anymore, thank goodness. But the fked up things that were said to me, as well as the stupid decision to take them back the first time, are issues I still need to work through.
> 
> ...


Man let me give you the best answer you are ever going to get on all this stuff. All the infidelity sites don't even need to waste time with posting or anything. All they really need is a few paragraphs on a single page.

The answer to all your questions, the question why they did this, why you are in pain, how come they can't do this or that, just all of that **** is this. People who cheat are garbage. There is no deep reason or meaning. They are garbage, that's it. Who cares why? It just is. Are they going to be so all their life? Probably most of them are, at least when it comes to relationships. 

If you really want to get better (I mean really get better, the kind of better where they are not a thought in your mind, you don't feel any pain) then think of them like the zombies in the walking dead, once they cheat on you discard them move on with your life. Don't waste any more time then they do in the show. On the show they cry and morn but they also put them out of their misery (I would only be talking about the marriage in this case) and move on with life. See them as dead and never talk to them again if you can, but even if you can't still see them as walking dead, zombies who inhabit the bodies of someone you once loved. Spend about as much emotional energy on them as you would a zombie. 

Move on with your life and live it to it's fullest as you really don't need them to do that. If you really get this mindset probably in about a year you just won't care anymore, you won't ask why, you will just know this is who they are and because of that there was no big loss. What you will morn the most is the time wasted. You won't trigger probably ever, and in a few years won't even remember what it was to really care about them. More likely you will be embarrassed that you gave a damn about them. For the vast majority of them they are just SO not worth the effort.

That's it, it's really that simple and YES, that is the correct answer to every post about this. I'm sorry you feel you got bad advice, I am sure if you were posting when I was here I was saying this though. If you feel that way make sure you echo it when the next person comes on here.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Man let me give you the best answer you are ever going to get on all this stuff. All the infidelity sites don't even need to waste time with posting or anything. All they really need is a few paragraphs on a single page.
> 
> The answer to all your questions, the question why they did this, why you are in pain, how come they can't do this or that, just all of that **** is this. People who cheat are garbage. There is no deep reason or meaning. They are garbage, that's it. Who cares why? It just is. Are they going to be so all their life? Probably most of them are, at least when it comes to relationships.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Especially since today was a bit of a downer for me. None of the advice was bad, just what I needed actually.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Spoons027 said:


> No. I haven’t posted it.
> 
> ...I’d rather not, tbh.
> 
> ...


Fair enough.

I think that there is no "one size fits all" for a BS. What is and is not a deal breaker is different for each person. What is tolerable behavior differs from one to the next as well.

The big question is - can the BS live with the consequences of their decisions after the affair. Some can walk away and not give it a second thought. Some feel that the decision to R or not was taken from them by the actions of the WS after being confronted. For some, the determining factor is kids or finances.

For all, it is natural to ask questions and play the "what if" game, but do not let that consume you.

Indifference is what you should strive for and will eventually achieve. One day you will wake up and simply not care about all this and will wonder why you wasted so much time thinking about something you cannot control nor change.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Spoons027 said:


> Even now, those words give me a feeling of utter disdain, along with the thoughts that came afterwards.
> 
> Should I be flattered?
> 
> ...


To be honest, it made me feel better, though I can see how it might grate.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

At first it bothered me but now after gaining knowledge of infidelity am just like, meh, she was an idiot 

Sent from my BTV-W09 using Tapatalk


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

TDSC60 said:


> For all, it is natural to ask questions and play the "what if" game, but do not let that consume you.
> 
> Indifference is what you should strive for and will eventually achieve. One day you will wake up and simply not care about all this and will wonder why you wasted so much time thinking about something you cannot control nor change.


Oh, yes definitely. The progress to indifference is slow going, but it’s gradually getting easier each day. Thanks.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Random thought — can’t remember who it was that posted the thread regarding his xWW getting up under the house looking for bugged phone lines but I just thought about that and it’s funny as ****.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Random thought — can’t remember who it was that posted the thread regarding his xWW getting up under the house looking for bugged phone lines but I just thought about that and it’s funny as ****.


 And the stomping on the floor was the icing on the cake.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Another thought that may help you.

The love you had with her or with anyone is not special. That is a lie told by Hollywood, pop music, art, books, etc. Love is seen as this special thing that is rare and must be held onto at all cost, but it's not and it's wrong to think about it that way. Over and over you see that people fall in love with more then one person in their lifetime. The love might be different but it's love non the less. It is really not all that uncommon and certainly not as rare as the media makes it out to be. 

Nope in successful relationships it's not the love that is the special thing, it's the people in the relationship that are. If you are lucky enough to be with that kind of person cherish them for what they are. Which is why if you happen to fall in love with a looser you shouldn't think of it as some great loss if it ends. You didn't really have anything that special. You didn't have it all and lost it. You had a typical love that we all have and you can find again with someone else, don't doubt that. You just need to find a person who is special enough not to cheat on you.

It's not special love that makes a good relationship, it's special people.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Another thought that may help you.
> 
> The love you had with her or with anyone is not special. That is a lie told by Hollywood, pop music, art, books, etc. Love is seen as this special thing that is rare and must be held onto at all cost, but it's not and it's wrong to think about it that way. Over and over you see that people fall in love with more then one person in their lifetime. The love might be different but it's love non the less. It is really not all that uncommon and certainly not as rare as the media makes it out to be.
> 
> ...


Thank you. You’ve given me new food for thought. After hearing The Phrase for the first time, it was like being reduced to a crappy backup option on a selection menu.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am more of a “there is only you” kind of guy. I never stayed with a girl who was also dating someone else. When I met my wife I had no girlfriends so there was only her. We fell in love on our first date and got engaged 3 weeks later. She never had anyone else, ever. A 19 year old virgin who never even had an orgasm or tried to have one. Yet she changed all that on our first date because I was the one as she was my one.


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## Knips (May 23, 2017)

I chose you because you are caring and you work hard to provide me a lot luxury and a lot of free time. When i am sad (when my lover is with his wife on a romantic weekend) you comfort me. You help a lot in the house, you are a good father for that i chose you. But when i need lust and passion i go to my lover... Isn't that a good deal because i chose you. And if i am in a good mood you even get the sloppy seconds. You lucky hubby. And even then some man are so stupid to say yes honey, i am so lucky.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

When the OM drops the OW the OWH becomes plan B of a plan B, quite the demotion I should say to a fail safe backup system


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> When the OM drops the OW the OWH becomes plan B of a plan B, quite the demotion I should say to a fail safe backup system


Geez, when put like that, it’s definitely a mind****.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> When the OM drops the OW the OWH becomes plan B of a plan B, quite the demotion I should say to a fail safe backup system


Ugh. There's a gut punch.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

TJW said:


> "I chose you."
> 
> Yep. I heard it, too.
> 
> ...


If my FWW said that to me I would have kicked her ass to the curb.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

My H was a serial cheater, but he didn’t love any of them. It was just sex and he never thought about leaving the marriage. He was also addicted to porn, but he would sometimes masturbate to a photo of me. 
All this was supposed to make me feel better and make me see that I was special to him. I almost threw up. 
I could have accepted it more if he had said he met someone and fell in love. It would have hurt, but at least I would have understood it.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

blahfridge said:


> My H was a serial cheater, but he didn’t love any of them. It was just sex and he never thought about leaving the marriage. He was also addicted to porn, but he would sometimes masturbate to a photo of me.
> All this was supposed to make me feel better and make me see that I was special to him. I almost threw up.
> I could have accepted it more if he had said he met someone and fell in love. It would have hurt, but at least I would have understood it.


Or how about both?

I was told The Phrase while in actuality, the A was taken underground. 

Just starting to accept the fact that I'll never understand that mindset at all.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> When the OM drops the OW the OWH becomes plan B of a plan B, quite the demotion I should say to a fail safe backup system


This is giving my ADHD a head ache.
...
Costello: I said, I DON'T CARE!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> Just starting to accept the fact that I'll never understand that mindset at all.


Yep their like a different species from us, less evolved. Be happy that you don't understand it. 

Look I get meeting someone who hits the buttons and you are attracted to them. No one says this ever goes away even when you are deeply in love. It's just nature to be attracted to other people. 

I mean I also get having a bad marriage and not being in love because the person you are with treats you bad. Then you meet this buttons person and all bets are off. I understand it, doesn't mean the cheating is any better in such cases. It's still an awful thing to do to someone but I get how it happens. This is why I say if you have a terrible unhappy marriage, divorce and leave with dignity before temptation leads you to something awful. Besides when you meet that buttons person you will be free to have a real relationship. And if they are honorable they are not going to have one with you if you are married. 

What I don't get is when someone treats you good (some even saying they love that person) and they are just bored or whatever and you do this **** just because you are entitled and think you can. That I really don't get. Where is the guilt, how can you live your life lying to everyone. If you really had this deep love that you say you have with either of these two people, why would you be willing to split your time. I mean they have this great love for the person and they split it with someone else. The love they give is ****ty for both the spouse and the affair partner. Nah I don't get that, you just a monster. 

I've noticed there seems to be a rash of wives posting on SI right now. They all cheated on husbands who had what they call good husbands and good men. Lots of times they say, my husband is the love of my life. Then they blame all their cheating on their Mothers, wedding, their husbands not being everything they needed, all other kinds of bull****. As far as I can see they just were bored, and all it took was a few complements to get them to lay down. It's pathetic really that it was that easy. Where was the guilt? I know I couldn't do that. I know lots and lots of people that couldn't do it. I would just feel to bad. The guilt would kill me. They will say they compartmentalized it. I think that is just a nice way of saying they are ****ed up. Most evolved people can't "compartmentalize it". Something is wrong with them and like you say I will never understand it. 

I watched that show "I am a killer" on Netflix. They do interviews with killers on death row. Everyone admits what they did. The interesting thing is I think only one says that he deserve what he got (jail/death penalty). I know if it was me I wouldn't fight it I would say, I took this life and I really don't even deserve to be in prison I deserve worse. This of course is why I will never murder someone. They all say they are sorry in some way but they all have excuses and not one of them believes they should be serving time let alone get the death penalty. In their minds they are never responsible for their actions, it's always - my mom, my friend, the drugs, whatever. The thing that stands out is it's the same kind of mentally and the same kind of excuses that cheaters make. (Don't get me wrong I am not comparing cheating to murder) I am comparing the mentality of someone who does a heinous thing and then tries to make excuses for it. Even when they feel bad about it's always around the context of themselves. It's so consistent it's really like they are all from the same different species. 

What this leads me to think is their are criminals and non-criminals. Murders and non-murderers. And cheaters and non-cheaters.

What I DO know and what you should really think about is what a comedown it has to be to be married to someone like that. This is how their love and minds work, they are bored so they are willing to trade you for some complements. What good is this type of person to you life? This is where you life would be if you stayed with your wife. Even if everything day to day was great. You would be the guy whose wife tells him that he is the love her life, and yet you know she still slept with some office guy because she got bored and he told her she was hot. I can't think of a worse life then that. Better to be alone, but the beauty is if you just move on you have every opportunity to find better. So I got to ask you why do you yearn for someone like that, or morn for the loss of that life. I mean shouldn't you yearn for a person like how you think, a person who could never do this. Strive to find that person. You have never had that yet, but if you look hard you can, you are like that, and we are out there. How about being hopeful that you have yet to find a great love, not that you lost one.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

The best answer I've heard when a wayward spouse says "I chose you"...…..was answered with, "That's too bad, because now I no longer chose you."


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Spoons027 said:


> Even now, those words give me a feeling of utter disdain, along with the thoughts that came afterwards.
> 
> Should I be flattered?
> 
> ...


My response would be, you lost the privilege of choosing me when you ****ed XYX. And I don’t choose you!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Only cheaters know why they do/say what they do. No non-cheater will ever figure it out.


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## Newguy123 (Sep 6, 2018)

Wow, what a story...I thought about taking my wife back after her affair and she was back cheating within the week. Once a cheat always a cheat. I have a book for you that was recommended to me from this forum: Leave A Cheater Gain A Life. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND this book! It will chang your outlook on Infidelity. Hang in there man!


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Newguy123 said:


> Wow, what a story...I thought about taking my wife back after her affair and she was back cheating within the week. Once a cheat always a cheat. I have a book for you that was recommended to me from this forum: Leave A Cheater Gain A Life. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND this book! It will chang your outlook on Infidelity. Hang in there man!


I don't believe in reconciliation but you tried to take your wife back way too quickly and willingly. People don't change that quickly so it's no surprise your wife continued to cheat.


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