# Seems like it's been long enough



## Nox (May 30, 2012)

Hiya. Been visiting for a while, and just created an account today.

I was with my ex wife for six years. One day, I found out that she had been cheating on me for several months (with somebody I never fully trusted around her, making me feel stupid in addition to everything else). So obviously, I felt horrible, there was much drinking, didn't go to work for weeks, there were rebound people... etc. Basically nothing that I was proud of.

Well, this all happened almost a year and a half ago. I've since stopped pining over her and such, but I feel about as lonely now as I did then. I feel like I should be out there, trying to date. I've had a few failed attempts since my divorce -- mostly due to my own actions, which were all inspired by feelings of... let's call it fear. I was never one of those guys who had a fear of commitment, or any other relationship-related things, and it didn't even occur to me that divorce did this to me until a few days ago

Being single by itself wouldn't make me feel this lonely. It's more that I feel I won't be able to be in a relationship. Meeting somebody, asking them on a date, maintaining something long term... it all seems so pointless, as I don't feel like I can trust somebody again. This didn't bother me when my divorce was still in my very recent past, but it's been a year and a half. I don't know, maybe that's not much time for some people. I guess I just want it to be.

So, um... does anybody have any thoughts on any of this?


----------



## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I have had similar thoughts, although I am still going through the divorce process and there was no infidelity. Still, I wonder if I'll ever be able to have anything resembling a "normal" relationship ever again. I spent too many years doing things the wrong way. Although I know some of the mistakes I have made in my marriage and am taking steps to better myself, I still don't know how/when I'd ever feel ready to try having an actual relationship ever again.

What you are feeling, especially due to the infidelity, is completely normal. My only advice would be not to rush into anything. 85% of divorcees are re-married within 5 years. Of those marriages, 60% will end in divorce. Although she cheated on you, I'm sure there were things you could've done differently in your marriage as well. My intent in saying that is not to blame-shift or finger-point, but unless you take ownership for the parts you were responsible for in the demise of your marriage, you're destined to repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship. The only variable that will have changed is the person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Hey Nox, 

One year post divorce is not a long time. People take many years to fully recover from betrayal and loss of love. What your ex wife did to you was horrible. Your brain has every reason to remain in defensive mode until someone with the right moves can put you at ease.

Individual counseling is something you should try as it will help you gain a better level of 'self-awareness' and why your brain makes the decisions it does. 

BTW, there's nothing worse than feeling lonely. If you find yourself all alone without significant female presence around you, then you need to change your settings.


----------



## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm in a place like that myself. My H moved out & in w/OW over a year ago. It really does do a number on you & changes how you look @ everything. I don't think I could trust someone either, & getting into a relationship seems like I would be setting myself up for pain. 

I'm very lonely & feel like I want to date. I find, though, when I'm out somewhere & feel a guy's eyes on me, I can't even bring myself to make eye contact. I guess I'm afraid. It's hard when you want to be ready, @ times feel you are ready, but then you get out there & discover you're not ready. I guess it can take a lot of time.

I don't know that I have advice since I'm still gun-shy & mistrustful, but I'll pass on what a good friend suggested. She said that when I'm out somewhere, even the grocery store, I need to make an effort to talk to men (about produce, the weather, whatever) & smile @ them, no matter their age or what they look like. It's not about finding a date. It's about engaging & becoming more comfortable w/men. It's about building confidence in myself & my judgement of people. It sounds a little hokey, but it could be worth a shot.


----------



## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

I'd like to second PartlyCloudy's advice on just talking to women in a plutonic sense. It's one small part in healing yourself. I started doing this about 8 months ago at the local gym where I work out. For me just approaching someone in class and saying hi, or commenting on the work out regimen terrified me. I bit the bullet and just started initiating conversations, small at first and then more in depth. I found I could actually carry a conversation with women on a multitude of plutonic issues. It also showed me that women were interested in what I had to say as well. It's given me allot of confidence to present myself as I am, be open to conversation, and not fear it. It also showed there is a future out there with someone else if my wife chooses divorce. I do this with men as well, as I do not want to rely on women to give me a sense of approval. 

Suggest counseling, as you will have issues that need to be worked on, we all do. This helped me identify the negative issues I contributed to hurting my marriage. I then spent a lot of time working on fixing those issues, which also has given me self confidence during this painful time. 

I wish you well.


----------



## Nox (May 30, 2012)

SoVeryLost said:


> Although she cheated on you, I'm sure there were things you could've done differently in your marriage as well.


I'm sure you're right. However, I'm one of those people who tend to believe the entire thing was my fault. Or at least, I am now. I don't know what I'm supposed to improve, because every single negative aspect of our relationship that comes into mind, I think of as my fault. Intelligently, I know this isn't true. But emotionally, I can't get past it.




synthetic said:


> Individual counseling is something you should try as it will help you gain a better level of 'self-awareness' and why your brain makes the decisions it does.


I've been there, for over a year. It's what helped get me beyond the initial "crippling depression" part of it. Hasn't seemed to do anything about any other part of it. Granted, I never actually said the words "I'm afraid of relationships" until four days ago, but going off of what I've said during sessions, I'm sure she's picked up on it.

Also, yes, I definitely agree about how nothing's worse than being lonely. If I could change my environment, I would. But where I live, where I work... I don't have any other options right now.


@ everything PartlyCloudy said,

Yes, to everything. I just feel like I've been by myself for long enough. Nobody likes being alone, but it's getting to be too much. It's like I've replaced the depression of my wife cheating on me with the depression of having nobody in my life. Thank you for your advice. I'm not sure how much it can apply to me, though. Nearly everybody I have contact with is female. My problem isn't the female gender in general -- it's with the prospect of dating somebody. So talking to someone isn't an issue. It's when I talk to somebody who's single in a specific setting (i.e., she's sitting in a bar by herself, or something similar), or I'm interested in them, or they seem interested in me.


----------



## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

I understand your loneliness. It sucks, I've been there for 20 months, and it's not ending anytime soon. I've realized through this time that if I don't find a way to be happy single, with who I am, what I'm about, and where I'm going, my next relationship will be shortlived. If I try to fill the void in my life with someone, I feel I would probably end up smothering them with my neediness. Once I started applying this concept, it became much easier to start friendships, because I'm going in no strings attached. That takes the pressure off, which relaxes, which can be appealing and make you approachable. I know easier said than done. This is the best way I can describe it after many attempts. 

Nox take care and continue venting on this forum. There is no easy answer here. I wish you well.


----------



## Nox (May 30, 2012)

Andy968,

I've had some short-lived relationships since my divorce. They've, shall we say, ended badly. Essentially, I ruined three (which, thinking back, actually showed promise) out of sheer terror. The fourth one -- this is good, I'm sure everybody will enjoy this one -- we didn't date for terribly long, maybe four months. However, in that time, I wasn't scared of anything and genuinely felt I'd be able to put forth the energy and effort required to make a good, long-term relationship out of it. And then she cheated on me. When that happened, it kind of reset the entire thing back to zero.

I'm not sure I can handle more no-strings-attached relationships. I already had three of them! They're not me (and that person who was in those relationships wasn't me, either).

Thanks for your replies. It's nice having a place to vent.


----------

