# Sowing your wild oats before marriage?



## lovenewb (Jul 6, 2011)

Hi.

I'm a late bloomer, you could say, started dating when I was 28 years of age. This happened after I had lost 140 lbs (was weighing in at 420 lbs) (Though I've gained about half of that back, unfortunately).

Any who, I met this older girl (4 years my senior) before I lost weight, and she saw me lose all that weight and time went on and we eventually hooked up. Fast forward 3 years later. We are living together for almost 2 years now and she wants to be married, to me. And while I initially said I wanted to be with her in marriage too. But alas, My mind has wandering.. wondering about other women, and what I'd be like with others. She has been my everything, first time I held a womans hand, first kiss, first intercourse, first date, first everything.

We are two very different people, I'm more shy and socially awkward (Though she begs to differ). She has always been a "party" girl and wants to settle down with me, the typical "nice" guy. At least thats how I see it. Sometimes I do find it odd, since she has worlds more experience with relationships and sex, and I know some of her sexual past of being in threesomes and one-night stands (thanks to her heavy involvement of "party" scene and drugs and such, plus she's a dammed fine looking lady.) So some of this gets to me sometimes, and I know it's wrong and maybe even egotistical, but sometimes I feel jealous of her, having lived her life in that way. I have no idea what it's like to have a casual encounter or flings and have my curiosities too. 

So my dilema is, I know she loves me to absolute death, and I love her too. But sometimes I have a feeling that if we do get married, that I will "lose" it, and regret not having have "fun" in my single days and getting it out on my system and that I may end up cheating on her. This scares me, I don't want to hurt anyone in that way.

So I think I know what the answer is for me to do, but I feel I may regret either which way I decide on what to do, either leave her for someone else who is ready to settle with her or just go ahead and marry her. I'm torn on the inside. This is such a recurring issue, I just feel like I need to do this sooner rather than later, because she is getting older and that biological clock is not on her side (She's 35yr old now) and wants to have children.

Thank you for reading, writing this out has helped me understand a little more of what I'm and have been feeling.


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## Avery777 (May 2, 2011)

Why can't you go out and have fun together as a couple?


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## lovenewb (Jul 6, 2011)

We do go out, almost every weekend, though, I can't say I'm as excited as I used to be going out, I'm more of a home-body. But hey.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I think for many people, once you get this thought in your head, its almost impossible to get rid of it. You probably owe it to her to really think about this before going further in the relationship, and decide what will really make you happy.

I came from the opposite background. My dad warned me never to marry, and encouraged a very casual approach to women. Nowadays, the media really glamorizes it, but glosses over one glaring omission. Please don't think I'm trying to be a prude.

So, I won't get into my experiences, but my parent's lifestyle put me in with a mixed crowd. Sadly, when alot of it is just casual, it becomes incredibly mechanical for many women (and probably men). You do the things that you are told are wild and exciting. In my college, there was a running joke about your typical daily calendar ... Monday:go to class, party, sex with a blonde. Tuesday: skip class, party, sex with a brunette. 

But you have one thing that was glaringly missing: someone who will love you so much that you'll learn to do things that make her previous experiences pale in comparison. Someone who wakes the following morning, and instead of asking, "why are you still here?" will know exactly how you like your coffee, and most importantly, if she wants you there, will not invariably ask if she was 'your best lay EVER?' Did you know that the other 99% really can't handle the truth? And if you could be honest with her, you'd say that I really don't believe you when you say that I was your best either, because you wouldn't have called me 'Michael' when you were climaxing? And I don't care how sexy it seemed the time you did it with your first boyfriend, it just sounded creepy when you whispered it in my ear, which was the real reason I lost the erection for a moment. 

Okay, I suck at humor, but I'm just trying to suggest that this woman could possibly take you to heights that you never imagined if you are willing to just be confident in yourself and focus on building that real connection with her. You'll learn something that many men miss, which can't be learned through superficial relationships anyway: By accepting that you can show her love unlike anything she has seen before, and realizing that it takes continual pursuit, both of you would never even think about what could've been.


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## lovenewb (Jul 6, 2011)

My biggest "issue" with me is that I have nothing to compare this relationship to. 
Sometimes I feel I don't even know what I want out of a woman, relationship or sex. I suspect I may be making or exaggerating this out to be a lot more than what it is.

We used to have a lot of problems and arguments about stupid stuff and wasn't very happy in the relationship but I was still there just for the sex. (Now I realize that looking back) She'd constantly try to test me and push me back but I was persistent about the chase, she'd treated me really bad on several occasions while she was drunk, even slapped me a couple of times. That's was about 2 years ago now.

But then, we went to a party in the forrest, almost died with her in a raging river, both of us got rescued and since then, she's had a really big breakdown emotionally after that experience and I stuck with her, helping her out with everything she was going through, remorse about her past before me and during me and things she'd done to me, previously.

After her whole breakdown she's really changed and stopped pushing me back and has been a whole other woman now. But I still remember some things she'd said and done and sometimes I've been a jerk back to her (when I'm drunk is when it has happened).

But I think this is about me.. my mind has been wandering at times, about other women and more sexualized thoughts about other women and just general curiosity about the opposite sex, as people, with relationships and with sex.

Since having sex and being in a relationship, I think I'm also objectifying women more too. I never really looked at a girl walking down the street and thought how she may be in bed, and now, I do that. Thoughts and feelings are definitely changing for me.

So I have alot to think about, I really do love her and love waking up next to her every morning, but still, a little voice in the back of my head whispers thoughts into me. I'll have to think about this and really figure out what I want.

Hopefully I can get some people who are also late bloomers as I was to chime in.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lovenewb said:


> We used to have a lot of problems and arguments about stupid stuff and wasn't very happy in the relationship but I was still there just for the sex. (Now I realize that looking back) She'd constantly try to test me and push me back but I was persistent about the chase, she'd treated me really bad on several occasions while she was drunk, even slapped me a couple of times. That's was about 2 years ago now.
> 
> But then, we went to a party in the forrest, almost died with her in a raging river, both of us got rescued and since then, she's had a really big breakdown emotionally after that experience and I stuck with her, helping her out with everything she was going through, remorse about her past before me and during me and things she'd done to me, previously.
> 
> After her whole breakdown she's really changed and stopped pushing me back and has been a whole other woman now. But I still remember some things she'd said and done and sometimes I've been a jerk back to her (when I'm drunk is when it has happened)..


Reading this, I realized that I completely misread that point of your post. Others may disagree, but you have to know what you really want, and whether your relationship dynamics are healthy before committing long term.

I love my wife more than I can describe, but my background was so dysfunctional that I missed the signs of future problems. I was always the strong one as a kid. Helped my older brother through college before starting myself, and more or less took care of my sisters. Never really thought about my own needs, other than a real desire to be in a great relationship. My wife is is bipolar. Probably the hardest thing about watching my friends, or even a group like this is seeing a woman who can smile.

Unless you can somehow rationalize this shift in the dynamics between you two, maybe even with premarital counseling, it seems like you are really just asking yourself if there is real hope in a great relationship with her. Will you just wake up one day and realize that it was a mistake?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think that it's a shame that people glamorize casual sex, and act as if we are entitled to it.

I happen to believe that best sex is with someone you love with all your heart, who you feel comfortable with and who you know loves you deeply.

I think it's easier to think the grass is greener, but when you get there it probably won't be.

Good luck whatever you decide.


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## Edge (Mar 30, 2011)

I guess I can understand you somewhat. I dated throughout my twenties but only casually. I have only kissed 3 women (1 of whom is my wife). My wife is the only person I have ever been with and that was at the age of 33. So I guess you could call me a late bloomer. I can also understand the weight loss. I used to weigh 465 pounds and now weigh 252. So I understand how that can make more things possible. Thoughts like you mention did go through my head briefly. I wondered if I should play the field. Should I try dating more women. Would I regret that my wife was the only woman I had ever been intimate with. Those thoughts lasted less than a second and the answer was not only no but hell no. I love my wife. I love that we are each others first and only. I would not trade her for all the world. If I was offered the chance to sleep with a different supermodel every night for the rest of my life but I had to give her up there is no way. For me she is the only choice. The only option. If you can't say this about your gf then you might need to do some serious thinking.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I personally believe if you have ANY ANY ANY doubts or questions in your mind -that you may "regret" your descion. DO NOT ACT until your mind and heart is cleared, these things out of your system. 

My little story -I believe I did the right thing....

I was very young when I met my boyfriend/now husband (15) and my dear grandmother who I was very very close too, used to ALWAYS tell me to *"play the field*" before I married. (She didn't marry till her 30's -her job was more important than a man -this was very odd back in the 1940's mind you), but she married well when she did. Beautiful marraige, she always gave me good advice. My husband was able to meet her but she died the year before we married. 

And at one point, after my boyfriend gave me an engagement ring no less, we had been together for years -I was wondering if I may regret not dating others in my youth. This was a bad situation as I was even LIVING in his parents house at the time! But I was questioning no less , so this was a real dilemma. Some guy was interested in me, he was the "life of the party" type and I thought I would go out with him. My boyfriend was very hurt, even crushed but he knew I was honest to a fault, I would never lie to him, or go behind his back in any way, so I gave him his ring back, I explained I had to be sure I knew what I wanted. He cared about me so much, he wanted me to be happy. He was likely TOO understanding in reality. He let me go out with this guy, he knew I was not the type to do anything sexual with anyone -so those worries he did not have. 

Not that this helps much, but I remember giving him this saying "If you love something , let it go free, if it does not return it was never meant to be yours. If it does, love it forever". Not sure where I read this, but I felt compelled to give this to him, and I felt the same about it. 

I only went out with that other guy a handful of times. Although I had fun with him, I realized somewhere along the line, I was MEANT to be with the one waiting for me. Even though I hurt him for a time, I do NOT regret that I had these experiences, I felt strongly that I "*needed*" them- they were a part of my "growing" somehow. 

Although I told my husband years later, had he not been so nice and said "Look, if you are going to date, so am I !!" , I just know that would have bothered me and had me running right back into his arms. I would have been way too jealous. Even the thought of someone else after him or him looking elsewhere probably would have devestated me. He just never did that. 

When I came back to him, I knew that I knew that I knew HE was what I wanted & we started planning our Wedding. Happiest day of our lives -besides the births of all of our children. I NEVER regretted marrying him or felt I made a mistake in any way. It has been 21+ years so far.  

I will be just like my grandma to all of my kids, I think everyone needs a little dating experience. NOt out there having sex with random people, just some goings out with the opposite sex -seeing what is out there, what works for you - before you settle down & marry. It takes alot of reflection to know if you are doing the right thing. Just make sure you marry for the RIGHT reasons, I think that is what gets most poeple in trouble.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I had a very wild youth. Monogamy was peace. The most wonderful feeling is knowing that person will be there tomorrow.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> I think for many people, once you get this thought in your head, its almost impossible to get rid of it. You probably owe it to her to really think about this before going further in the relationship, and decide what will really make you happy.
> 
> I came from the opposite background. My dad warned me never to marry, and encouraged a very casual approach to women. Nowadays, the media really glamorizes it, but glosses over one glaring omission. Please don't think I'm trying to be a prude.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Great post all the way around.


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## lovenewb (Jul 6, 2011)

My doubts about it all do come and go into my thoughts.

Sometimes I forget about them, other times they are constantly on my mind. I've met a couple of her Ex's and more than one Ex "Friend with Benefits", both male and females. 

Sometimes I get visuals of her having sex with these other guys and/or girls and then when it gets really bad, I start not being able to imagine her as a "mother figure", which is important to me. 

Sometimes when she is drunk (she hasn't done this lately), asks me if we should "take another girl home". And of course I'm like, Yeah!!! But really, I'm like, noo.. if that happens, I don't know if I can see her in my eyes as a "mother" or at least a mother to my children.. I dunno, I get wierded out at times, and then sometimes she maintains contact with her old female flings and I trip out on the inside. 

Then I start seeing her as just a wild party girl, which she has been involved in throwing many many parties in her lifetime illegal underground ones. But hey, I knew that, that's how I met her. But right now, in the last year or so, the partying has been toned way way down from both of us, because for a while we were partying a lot together, abusively and this was kind of the pattern in our initial relationship.. party partners.

So I dunno, thinking this through still and need to "get over" some of this stuff which I do feel isn't as important as the love we share. And I do know she loves me to death but I need to get my head straightened out with all of this. I really do want the best for her and the best for myself, and I as is, we've been together for a while now and since she definitely wants to have children and a family, I would hate to keep this relationship going and going while her biological clock ticks and tocks and me not make up my mind.

A lot for me to think about.. this morning sex wasn't all that hot.. I was very pre-occupied in my mind and not even really truely present.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lovenewb said:


> Hi.
> 
> I'm a late bloomer, you could say, started dating when I was 28 years of age. This happened after I had lost 140 lbs (was weighing in at 420 lbs) (Though I've gained about half of that back, unfortunately).
> 
> ...


your mistake was waiting until you were 28 to get with the program. your younger years are gone.

It will be a blessing in disguise now your more mature and can make better decissions.

when ever I am thinking the grass is greener I think how would I feel if my wife just died in a car accident. The pain that would come with something as tragic as that Always brings me back to reality.

Your standing on green grass right now don't throught it away for grass that will turn brown after you get to know her/them


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> your mistake was waiting until you were 28 to get with the program. your younger years are gone.


I've read this thread a couple of times and couldn't decide how to respond but this I think sums up how I feel the best. It's one thing to sow your wild oats when you are say 21 but over that it just seems pitiful and sad.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

chillymorn said:


> Your standing on green grass right now don't throught it away for grass that will turn brown after you get to know her/them


:iagree::iagree:

So you want to throw away a good love, so you can get some random hook ups under your belt?

Will this make you more of a fulfilled man?

I doubt it.

However, do not marry if you not in it to win it.

I don't think you appreciate what you have.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

This reminds me of a thread I started somewhere else here called "Going Wild Later In Life." It only got a few joke responses there, but seriously, isn't there a psychological theory that says if someone doesn't have their free time to explore in their younger life, they could possibly do it later in life, even after leading years of a tame, calm life?


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## lovenewb (Jul 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I've read this thread a couple of times and couldn't decide how to respond but this I think sums up how I feel the best. It's one thing to sow your wild oats when you are say 21 but over that it just seems pitiful and sad.


I agree, I've let too much time pass before I got into a relationship and started exploring and now at 31, sowing does seem.. sad sometimes, even in my eyes.

My timing is way off, but I can't go back in time and really do need to appreciate her more than I am at this moment.

I do fear that I may have urges later on, maybe if I lose more weight or just gain more confidence in myself.

I've seen it happen to my friends.. married early on, divorced and living a party lifestyle afterwards, or like another friend and a cousin too, having a child early on (19) then her now at 25 still trying to party it up while being a single mom. I just don't know.. the whole do the whole "get it out of your system" thing, or maybe it's not even in my system to begin with and that's why I never did it? I don't know, pretty much all of my friends lived very different lifestyles than I have with regards to relationships


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovenewb said:


> I've seen it happen to my friends.. married early on, divorced and living a party lifestyle afterwards, or like another friend and a cousin too, having a child early on (19) then her now at 25 still trying to party it up while being a single mom. I just don't know.. the whole do the whole "get it out of your system" thing, or maybe it's not even in my system to begin with and that's why I never did it? I don't know, pretty much all of my friends lived very different lifestyles than I have with regards to relationships


....and then after all these years you hit MID LIFE --- it can surely have this affect also . I was never a partier, I was in fact a little too serious & conservative in my youth, then I hit my early 40's, done with kids, and well, I wanted to go back in time and experinece all those things we missed-that most other young people did & had a heck of good time. 

I dragged my husband to head banging Mosh Pit concerts, where we were near the stage hauling people over our heads, let him do the Strip Club thing and I got sexually pretty wild. I kept it all within my marraige but still -that party bug can show up at any time , never discount what Mid Life may bring your way.


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## lovenewb (Jul 6, 2011)

yeah.. the mid-life thing for sure may hit me. Would hate for that to hit me, being in a 10yr marriage, kid or two, then foolishly try to 'live' that which I should have done earlier in life.

How I met my GF was through partying, I started losing weight and started going out alot, and seeing her at the same parties quite often, drinking a ton, smoking weed, just being irresponsible in general.

That was never really me, I just felt that that was what people did to "hook up", so that's what I did, and landed a GF. Partying, right now, to me, doesn't do much for me at all though. Staying up till 5am sunday mornings and saturday mornings, losing the next day "recovering", nah. I think I'm over that. Hoping that it stays that way.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This could be a problem...

I've sowed my wild oats in way too many places, and the missus too (in more places then me!)... so we're both pretty much done with the past - well, her anyway... me, I'm also jealous of the missus' wild past just like you as it's even wilder then mine (and I swear she's bi!) I'll tell ya something though, nothing beats ramming someone you love and have passion for.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

It sounds to me like she was okay for you when you were heavier but now that you have lost some weight, you think you can do better. Any truth to this? 
FWIW, I'd take the person who stood by you at your worst to help you to your best vs. someone who comes in only at your best.


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## lovenewb (Jul 6, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> It sounds to me like she was okay for you when you were heavier but now that you have lost some weight, you think you can do better. Any truth to this?
> FWIW, I'd take the person who stood by you at your worst to help you to your best vs. someone who comes in only at your best.


I don't think it's about me being or feeling able to do better, I actually gained weight since we hooked up. She's seen me lose the 140 then gain 70 of those back.. and the struggle to re-lose them again.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

lovenewb said:


> I don't think it's about me being or feeling able to do better, I actually gained weight since we hooked up. She's seen me lose the 140 then gain 70 of those back.. and the struggle to re-lose them again.


You're still down 70 pounds though! That's incredible and awesome. I have just seen too many people loose a lot of weight, gain back their confidence and then look around for what else is out there. Not sure if that applies to you but it may be worth some thought. :scratchhead:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You nail party girls, but you marry character and intelligence. In general, if you have to talk yourself into marrying someone, you aren't ready to marry them.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

See I think you have two issues. One is your fear that you are missing something. And the second is doubts with this woman. These are two totally different things. I partied, dated a lot but I can assure you of this. The minute I met my husband none of that mattered anymore. I only wanted him. I was 23.

Regardless of what you decide I know this much about you. You aren't ready to marry this girl.


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## brightstar (Nov 4, 2011)

I've been on the receiving end of this. My partner of 4 years is also a late bloomer and I was his first sexual experience. Although I had other casual encounters prior to being with him, none of them were sexual and so he was my first as well. I have no problems with this but he evidently does.

Having been together for 4 years the topic of marriage and commitment has come up but his lack of experience in sowing his wild oates when he was younger (he's 30 now) has become a major factor in preventing us from moving forward in our relationship.

He even said the same things you mentioned - that he's curious about the opposite sex and he feels that if he doesn't do this now he might end up cheating on me years down the road.

As of now we have broken up because I want commitment and I feel he is being childish by focusing on his "needs" to be with other women. He tells me he loves me very much and can't picture being married to anyone else but it seems that he just can't see that casual encounters cannot bring happiness and contentment the way a loving and committed relationship can.

It's as if he doesn't realise that the whole "sowing wild oates" thing is more hyped up than what it really is and most people who go down that route will be letting go of what is truly important in life (but they will only realise this when it's too late) Needless to say, my partner's actions have left me very upset and sad because I love him very much and can picture a happy life together if he gets his head right. 

I guess I'm saying all this just so you can see how these feelings of wanting to sow wild oates can really hurt your girlfriend. But I believe that sometimes people have to go through with bad decisions to learn. But when they do realise it might just be too late and the love of your life might be gone by then.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Look, if you are feeling like you are "missing out" then go see what's out there. If you don't, you'll always regret it (even though you really aren't missing anything) and will resent her. 

It's a choice. It's normal to feel this way and since you do right now, I wouldn't suggest getting more committed until you no longer want to be with other women.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Interesting... the whole "grass" is always greener aspect of wasted youth. Becareful of what you are looking for... because you may find it, but you might not find what you like. 

Sure, u know what you have now, and its safe and secure. But what's out there now, is nothing but shallow, empty experiences. My sexual experience was litterally nothing when i met my wife, but i had messed with enough women, that i didn't feel i missed anything truely, because a lot of chicks i coulda banged... i just didn't want to. Sounds weird, but that was just me.


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## StephyInWonderland (Jul 29, 2015)

Thank you for your story. Although I'm reading this 4 years after you posted it, I'm glad i found it. I'm going thru something similar with my boyfriend. He says he loves me and wants a future with me but needs to get the chance to get the fooling around out of his system. There is a 4 year age difference between us and we started dating when he was 19 and i was 23 and stayed together for 3 years. He wants the opportunity to go out and figure himself out and experience the dating world he never had the chance to before being 100% sure that I'm the girl he wants to marry. Although it hurts, I know I have to give him the opportunity to experience it so that if we end up together, he'll have no doubt that he made the right decisions.


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