# That stupid phone . . .



## Piper502 (Jun 2, 2016)

I was looking around in the Men's area and saw a topic about what wives do that's annoying/killing the mood. A few responses were about being glued to their smartphone!

Oh let me tell you. It's not just wives. 

My H will be on his damn phone practically the moment he gets home from work until it is time to sleep. I will admit, I'm addicted to my phone as well. I've noticed this trend in both of us that just isn't healthy. So I've started to make an effort to not be on it so much. I've also tried when we are out to dinner to ask him to let's turn the phones over and enjoy a meal together. It will work for a bit, then he has to check ESPN for scores or answer a text, Facebook, etc. I get frustrated and say eff it and get back on my phone. However, I'm trying to do better and lead by example. 

It's hard when your spouse is so damn glued to their phone that when you are talking to them that you have to repeat yourself. I don't know what to do to change it. 

Anyone else with a spouse that has a phone problem? What do you do about it? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Piper502 said:


> I was looking around in the Men's area and saw a topic about what wives do that's annoying/killing the mood. A few responses were about being glued to their smartphone!
> 
> Oh let me tell you. It's not just wives.
> 
> ...


There is this cultivated mindset now where everybody needs to be connected and available all the time...can't miss a notification, what if it's important, what if someone was in a wreck, what if someone dies, and all sorts of other rationalizations. For the vast majority of people, take a step back and think...when was the last notification from Facebook, the last text, the last notification that was actually URGENT, required immediate, drop everything attention? And that you could actually do something about right then and there? Then put those kinds of notifications into the context of how many total notifications are received, and I suspect for the majority of people, the notification that just couldn't be missed just in case...it's pretty close to statistically zero.

Myself, I have a Galaxy s6, and my battery lasts about 50 hours on a full charge before I need to charge it again. My phone goes on the headboard when I get home from work, and I may check it before we go to sleep. Most of the time, if we go out to eat, I don't even take my phone with me.

Those who are close to me, those who are important to me, in other words, the people I actually want to communicate with, they all know that it may be a day before I even see their message, and I have never set any expectation to the contrary. I don't feel the need to be at the world's beck and call.

No doubt you saw my posts over there about my wife, and they might even be part of your inspiration for this thread  As far as what to do about it? I'm really at a loss because she is a grown adult woman who is in control of her own behavior. I am her husband, not her father. I have communicated to her how I feel her phone usage negatively affects our relationship, and erodes the intimacy I feel. I tried the whole...I want one uninterrupted hour a night where the phone is turned off and put out of sight, not touched. That lasted for two days. Aside from physically removing the phone from her, or actively turning off the data, I am at a loss, because ultimately it is up to her to make the decision to break her addiction.


----------



## Piper502 (Jun 2, 2016)

Ha, yes your posts were part of my inspiration. 

I have communicated in a not so pleasant manner to my husband a time or two in regards to the phone, "if you have effing time for the phone you can do this book with me ..." (Gottman's Seven Principles) 

[that didn't go over very well ]

I was so frustrated at the time because he was talking about long work hours, not wanting to feel pressure, etc. I snapped. 

I do need to have a nice sit down with him in regards to the phone and some other issues. That will be for another thread.... 

I too feel that being on the phone all. the. time. is an intimacy killer. I hate when we go up to bed to watch a little tv before sleep, there he is. Still looking, as he was most of the night. 

I don't want to demand time away from it. I'm not his mom. I'm his wife.

I should note that my job requires me to be on call and I have to answer at times when I'd rather not. We also have a family member who is very ill so putting up phones for the evening isn't possible. I would just like not to have faces buried in them all night long. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Piper502 said:


> Ha, yes your posts were part of my inspiration.
> 
> I have communicated in a not so pleasant manner to my husband a time or two in regards to the phone, "if you have effing time for the phone you can do this book with me ..." (Gottman's Seven Principles)
> 
> ...


"Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk" ... Get off your phone! (kidding, kidding)

yes, seems like a calm discussion over phone use is in order. As noted in the thread I started, I/we have our own issues, but phone use is one I've normally been able to get her to curb. Of course she has no problem accusing me of "Always being on my phone" if I happen to be on it when she wants something...

I think one thing men (and probably women too) bristle over is the feeling that the partner is trying to be too controlling, so I think when you have the discussion, try to make it clear you're not trying to curb ALL phone time, just set some reasonable boundaries. Maybe no phone in bed, or no phone after 11PM? Offer something in return, or some benefit to show you appreciate him making an effort here, and this isn't just a one-way street. 

Before you have the conversation, think of any objections he may have (most likely will claim he's working. Or will he claim some necessity to being on the phone? Try to think of a response ahead of time). 

good luck. hopefully excessive phone use isn't masking some other issue.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I have thrown my Wife's phone off the bed several times until she got the hint. Since then it has been much better. I have moved my phone charger away from my bed so this forces me to keep the phone out of reach. If things hadn't gotten better with my W I would have moved her charger as well and would have implemented a "No phone in bed" policy.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Piper502 said:


> Ha, yes your posts were part of my inspiration.
> 
> I have communicated in a not so pleasant manner to my husband a time or two in regards to the phone, "if you have effing time for the phone you can do this book with me ..." (Gottman's Seven Principles)
> 
> ...


And that's just it...just because the phone is on, doesn't mean it needs to be used. It has become a flat out addiction for many people just like any other addiction or compulsion...if there is alcohol, it will get drunk, if there is food, it will get eaten, if there is a phone, it will get used. For many addictions, one crucial piece to managing it is to physically limit proximity and access, unfortunately, many people simply do not have the self control or will power so self regulate.

Like you, one thing that has frustrated me greatly...the one major and recurring issue my wife and I have is her inability to outwardly and verbally express her physical desire for me, yet has no problems doing just that for what ever celeb, or hot half naked cowboy picture that comes across her feed...yet she has not spent one second looking for advice, hints tips, anything to help...when she has her damned phone right there in her hand.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Piper502 said:


> I have communicated in a not so pleasant manner to my husband a time or two in regards to the phone, "if you have effing time for the phone you can do this book with me ..." (Gottman's Seven Principles)


Did you text him that? 

But more seriously we struggle with this at times too. We both love our devices and it's generally not a problem, until it is. It's a difficult cycle, if she is on hers what am I supposed to do, well I'll use mine, and vice versa. For us it's certainly both of us. I've noticed that if we watch TV on the same couch (her on top of me) we can live without them. 

No phones when out for dinner for sure. But we usually walk and don't have kids. I will a take a camera.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

My wife is non-tech oriented at all so no problems there, although I would swap that problem for the rest we have any day.

Wouldn't it great if we could go back to the days without the internet and cell phones. Life would so much better.


----------



## Piper502 (Jun 2, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> And that's just it...just because the phone is on, doesn't mean it needs to be used. It has become a flat out addiction for many people just like any other addiction or compulsion...if there is alcohol, it will get drunk, if there is food, it will get eaten, if there is a phone, it will get used. For many addictions, one crucial piece to managing it is to physically limit proximity and access, unfortunately, many people simply do not have the self control or will power so self regulate.
> 
> 
> 
> Like you, one thing that has frustrated me greatly...the one major and recurring issue my wife and I have is her inability to outwardly and verbally express her physical desire for me, yet has no problems doing just that for what ever celeb, or hot half naked cowboy picture that comes across her feed...yet she has not spent one second looking for advice, hints tips, anything to help...when she has her damned phone right there in her hand.




Well, he's not looking at celebs and saying how hot they are. It's you tube, Facebook, texting the OSF, texting other friends, CNN, did I mention texting? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Wouldn't it great if we could go back to the days without the internet and cell phones. Life would so much better.


I refer to that as the era of scrambled porn ...


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Piper502 said:


> Well, he's not looking at celebs and saying how hot they are. It's you tube, Facebook, texting the OSF, texting other friends, CNN, did I mention texting?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I got it, but to clarify my muddy point...my frustration was simply she has endless time to look at Facebook, but not spend a second to work on a known problem when her phone is right there in her hand already.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> I got it, but to clarify my muddy point...my frustration was simply she has endless time to look at Facebook, but not spend a second to work on a known problem when her phone is right there in her hand already.


Exactly, and really, it doesn't matter what they are looking at. The issue is they are deliberately taking away time from their SO by placing an electronic device as having greater importance.


----------



## Piper502 (Jun 2, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> I got it, but to clarify my muddy point...my frustration was simply she has endless time to look at Facebook, but not spend a second to work on a known problem when her phone is right there in her hand already.




I get it. Maybe we need to hit them over the head with said phones? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Piper502 (Jun 2, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Exactly, and really, it doesn't matter what they are looking at. The issue is they are deliberately taking away time from their SO by placing an electronic device as having greater importance.




You hit the nail on the head. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Piper502 (Jun 2, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Did you text him that?



 I should have!! 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Exactly, and really, it doesn't matter what they are looking at. The issue is they are deliberately taking away time from their SO by placing an electronic device as having greater importance.


And there you have the hallmark of why addiction is destructive.


----------



## Piper502 (Jun 2, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> And there you have the hallmark of why addiction is destructive.




I've thought about throwing the addiction word around in conversation in regards to the excessive phone use . . . I'm afraid it would make matters worse. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Piper502 said:


> I've thought about throwing the addiction word around in conversation in regards to the excessive phone use . . . I'm afraid it would make matters worse.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Just like dealing with an alcoholic, or other drug addict, and calling them on it, only with the phone, it is a whole lot harder to address. It's a legal product where there are legitimate and necessary times to use it...like an alcoholic living in a home with cabinets full of liquor, where it is necessary for them to have a couple of drinks a day, while having the self control to ONLY have two drinks a day...


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> And there you have the hallmark of why addiction is destructive.


Fortunately for my W it never got to the addiction point. She recognized it was an issue.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

View attachment 45817


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I fixed this situation! My Moto 360 watch taps me on the wrist whenever I get an email, and... oh. That really hasn't helped, has it?


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

I have a flip phone.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Malaise said:


> I have a flip phone.


I got rid of my smartphone 3 years ago and have a flip phone ever since. It has freed up so much time.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Probably texting his OSF.


----------



## Piper502 (Jun 2, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Probably texting his OSF.




It goes without saying. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

glad the W and I don't have smart phones


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My flip phone is dumb (or, is it the user?). I look up directions before I leave the house. Of course, I know where I'm going so it isn't a big deal.

Frankly, seeing a person with their face buried in a phone or computer or tv all the time is a little repulsive to me. It is such a boring sight. If they are so uninterested in being where they are and with whom they are, they need to get out. That isn't living. That's being entertained.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

I have the laptop I'm on right now and Wi-Fi at home. And a Garmin for the car.

I don't need or want a smart phone.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> My flip phone is dumb (or, is it the user?). I look up directions before I leave the house. Of course, I know where I'm going so it isn't a big deal.
> 
> *Frankly, seeing a person with their face buried in a phone or computer or tv all the time is a little repulsive to me. It is such a boring sight. If they are so uninterested in being where they are and with whom they are, they need to get out. That isn't living. That's being entertained*.


So true!


----------

