# Engaged to a "Mystery Man"



## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

I have been with my fiancee for about 4 years, engaged for the past six months with plans to marry next spring. Sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all!

I have been an open book throughout our relationship. I feel that it's important to share your entire self with the person you are going to marry. I have told him everything about myself, including embarrassing and painful situations in my life and a childhood sexual assault. I haven't really held anything back. 

He knows the name of every guy I have dated, lots of facts about each of them, and has been through their Facebook pages. He even read VERY old emails (without my consent) between me and two of my exes. 

But when it comes to him, I feel like I know very little about him. For example, he refuses to give me the name of any woman he has ever dated. I know one of their first names, and then he gave me a fake name for another one of them. He has given me some details about them as people but not much. 

He says its because he doesn't want me looking them up online. Who cares if I do? He looked up mine! I'm not crazy. I would never contact or stalk one of his exes! But I am curious, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

Even benign things, like places he has worked and cities he has lived in, are glossed over with no details given. I have some "snapshots" of these things, but there are huge holes that I don't understand. If I try to ask for details he either 1) Makes a joke about it 2) Tries to distract me with something else or 3) Gets angry.

I have some clear information about his childhood, but information about him from ages 17-27 (his age when we met) is foggy at best.

Tonight I stumbled on something that really bothered me. I was cleaning up and found a book among our joint things. I opened it and saw it was from a woman he has referred to as a cousin. However, the inscription inside the book (it was a gift) referred to him as her "half-brother" and "half-sibling." When I asked him about it, he accused me of being a "snoop" and says he is now going to hide his things from me. He reaffirmed that the woman is a cousin who is "like a sister." When I asked about the "half brother" comment, he just got really angry and told me to "get the F away from him" and how I am a horrible person for reading a private inscription. When I didn't leave the room, he literally pushed me out of the room and slammed the door in my face. 

I respect that some people are more private than others. I even respect not wanting to speak about certain things in your life. But you should never hide yourself away from your spouse. I just don't know what to do. How can I marry a man who I have to fight just for a few details about his life?

Troll Thread - Amp


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Don't. Clearly you two aren't very compatible so why marry him if he's acting so secretive and it bothers you? Does he know how you feel on privacy when it comes to marriage?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

He insists on knowing everything about you, but tells you very little about himself, but gets angry when you stumble across conflicting information about him... This would be a red flag for me because you could be in for some unpleasant surprises one day.



> How can I marry a man who I have to fight just for a few details about his life?


This doesn't bode well for marriage, OP.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

Gaia said:


> Don't. Clearly you two aren't very compatible so why marry him if he's acting so secretive and it bothers you? Does he know how you feel on privacy when it comes to marriage?


Oh yes. I tell him all the time how much it bothers and hurts me. He just says I'm being childish and that I have his full heart now so what does the past matter.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

"Run Forrest, Run."


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Oh yes. I tell him all the time how much it bothers and hurts me. He just says I'm being childish and that I have his full heart now so what does the past matter.


You might have his 'full heart' but you don't really know who he is... There mightn't be much to tell but, there again, there could be things that would be deal breakers if you did know about them.

I was in a relationship with a man some years ago who was very secretive with me. Had I followed my gut and dug a bit deeper earlier on, I could have prevented having my life ripped apart by a vicious abuser.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would agree with the others, and add that his double standard about needing to know everything about you while getting angry at you when you dig a bit is very troubling. Would you say he's controlling in other areas?

C

ETA: his physical confrontation with you on the inscription issue is also a major red flag...


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

PBear said:


> I would agree with the others, and add that his double standard about needing to know everything about you while getting angry at you when you dig a bit is very troubling. Would you say he's controlling in other areas?
> 
> C
> 
> ETA: his physical confrontation with you on the inscription issue is also a major red flag...


I was so hurt when he pushed me because it was like he was literally pushing me out of his life. I feel like I'm not good enough. It hurts to share so much about yourself and get nothing in return.

He has bragged before how he is good at getting info from people without sharing anything about himself. I guess I am just another fool.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I was so hurt when he pushed me because it was like he was literally pushing me out of his life. I feel like I'm not good enough. It hurts to share so much about yourself and get nothing in return.
> 
> He has bragged before how he is good at getting info from people without sharing anything about himself. I guess I am just another fool.


People don't hide minimal things if he hiding something it's going to devastate you. Your last two sentence make him sound like a sociopath, not saying he is but that's what came to mind. I'm sure he's also good at manipulating, if you marry you will not be happy for two reasons. You will be wondering what he is hiding, if you find out you will be hurt. Then you will be looking for more truths, which will hurt you again and this will be a long and painful pattern. Get out now. He is unlikely to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

To echo the other posters, don't marry this guy. If you do, and you then have children together, it'll be more difficult to get disentangled. Do yourself a favor, break off the engagement now and move on with your life.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I agree not to mention the emotional trauma endured.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I was so hurt when he pushed me because it was like he was literally pushing me out of his life. *I feel like I'm not good enough.* It hurts to share so much about yourself and get nothing in return.


Stop this sort of thinking, for your own sake. He has the issues. Not you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He has the issues, but you have issues too for letting this go on like this. I think it would be a mistake to marry someone you don't really know - you may find out later just how big a mistake that was! 

While you don't have a right to know details about his sexual past, the other things he's hiding seem very suspicious. He seems very paranoid about revealing things. Might he have a criminal record, for instance? You may want to do a background check on him if you haven't already.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't marry him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Openness and honesty are major emotional needs in a marriage. If he is unwilling to meet your needs now it will just be worse after the wedding. 
Obviously he is hiding something major. I think this is a deal breaker. Even if he tells you what it is now, the fact that he has hidden it from you indicates he isn't marriage material. 
You deserve the best. This is about him and his short comings.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> While you don't have a right to know details about his sexual past..
> .


I disagree. I feel that a potential spouse has a right to know many details about their partner's sexual past. There are health concerns and other "deal breakers" there.

What if a man wants a child, but his potential wife had a now-cured STD that left her infertile. What if a man had HPV, and didnt tell his future wife!

What if there are no STDs but one partner was promiscuous while the other finds that a deal breaker. I slept around a lot when I was younger, and I would never keep that from a man Im thinking of marrying. I told my now husband about my past BEFORE we were married. While he ws disgusted at the time and didnt take it well (he is pretty conservative concerning sex) he later thanked me for my honesty and for allowing him to decide if it was a deal breaker before we were already married.

Like the OP, I was raped and wouldnt keep that from my future husband because it will affect his life. He has a right to know.

You dont have to give every single detail, I didnt go into some long winded dissertation on my many sexual partners. But u do need to talk about it. I dont blame the OP for wanting to know about her fiance's sexual past.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why did you tell him the name and details of every guy you dated? Did he ask so you told him? Or did you just a self-imposed confession.

He does not want you to do the very thing he did about your ex’s… snope, look them up.

He lied by giving you the false name of one of the women.

He will not even tell you about places he worked and lived.

He hides the truth about his life after 17.

Have you met is family?

The cousin who is really a half-sister. She has no reason to lie in the book inscription.

You are a horrible person for reading he inscription in the book, but he snooped your emails, looked up your ex’s, etc.

And then "get the F away from him" and how I am a horrible person for reading a private inscription. When I didn't leave the room, he literally pushed me out of the room and slammed the door in my face. “ So he’s also physically abusive.

Why are you with this guy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> He has the issues, but you have issues too for letting this go on like this. I think it would be a mistake to marry someone you don't really know - you may find out later just how big a mistake that was!
> 
> While you don't have a right to know details about his sexual past, the other things he's hiding seem very suspicious. He seems very paranoid about revealing things. Might he have a criminal record, for instance? You may want to do a background check on him if you haven't already.


He asked her about her past, snooped in her email and who knows where else. He looked up her ex's. 

She has the right to expect the same level of openness that he requires from her.


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## 82hazel (Aug 25, 2013)

Run. Don't just walk. 

I am married to one like this. And I am getting out. Secrecy in my case, is he has a secret life. He always harped on his privacy, and space and secrecy. 

Well, now 6 years later I know better. He has become a manipulative person. He lied about who he was, and I let him. Why? Because I respected his privacy, stupid as I was. And now, now I can't take it anymore. 

Anything hidden is a HUGE red flag. HUGE. HUGE. RUN


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why did you tell him the name and details of every guy you dated? Did he ask so you told him? Or did you just a self-imposed confession.
> 
> He does not want you to do the very thing he did about your ex’s… snope, look them up.
> 
> ...


Why did I tell him? He asked, so I told him. Some details I gave freely, others I was asked and gave. 

When you are thinking of marrying someone, you don't hold anything back. That's how I feel.

The only thing I refused him is when he demanded details about the assault. I draw the line there. He needs to know it happened, but I have a right to talk about it or not talk about it.

I have met his family, though not this cousin/half sister. No one in the family has ever referred to a half-sister, and his family members, especially his mom, have been pretty open with me. They have even encouraged him to be more open and take my side on this - though they don't know the extent of the secrecy.

I feel like the half-sister thing would have come up with one of them so maybe it is a cousin and the "half-sibling" comment was some sort of inside joke or something. I know he lived with her and her parents as a teenager, so maybe it's a joke or reference to that time. That is certainly possible.

Still, I feel he should answer ALL of my questions about it and not get angry and shove me out of the room.


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## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

Do a background check on him for starters...


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

Another thing -- He asks me to do things or gets angry about things, but won't explain why. He just tells me that I don't understand and not to jump to conclusions. When I ask for an explanation, he just tells me to figure it out for myself.

Here's an example. He is really weird when I'm around his dad some of the time. He has accused me of "flirting" with his dad. His dad is nearly 80. I'm in my 20s. I am not interested in men old enough to be my grandfather. I have a very friendly, open personality that I guess could be interpreted as flirting if you don't know me well. But come on! He should know that I am not flirting with his dad!

So now when his dad is around, he doesn't want me around. He will ask me to wait in another room some of the time. When I ask him if it's because of the "flirting" he says no. So I will then ask for an explanation. He won't answer. So frustrating!


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

pinktrees11 said:


> Do a background check on him for starters...


Gosh, he's had so many different last names that would take forever!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Why did I tell him? He asked, so I told him. Some details I gave freely, others I was asked and gave.
> 
> When you are thinking of marrying someone, you don't hold anything back. That's how I feel.
> 
> The only thing I refused him is when he demanded details about the assault. I draw the line there. He needs to know it happened, but I have a right to talk about it or not talk about it.


Have you met his family? This is a very important question.

He is not just private. He's lying and hiding his past. He's creating a new back story for himself. You have no idea who this guy really is.

What evidence do you have that the name he uses is his real name? That he is who he says he is?

If I were you I would be investigating him like crazy. Find his legal papers, his birth certificate, SS card, everything I could find. I'd visit his family and ask questions. I'd go on line to every city he lived in and look up criminal records.

You will probably say that you are with him because you love him. well you don't know who he is. You love who you think he is. So you need hard evidence to prove to yourself who he really is.

He's lying, hiding and fabricating who he is. You know it but you are putting up with it. This means that you feel you are not worthy of being treated with respect. Why is that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Gosh, he's had so many different last names that would take forever!


What? Why has he had so many different last names?

Just start investigating with he names you know. When you find a bit of info follow that thread to where it leads.

How did you find out all his other last names?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Another thing -- He asks me to do things or gets angry about things, but won't explain why. He just tells me that I don't understand and not to jump to conclusions. When I ask for an explanation, he just tells me to figure it out for myself.
> 
> Here's an example. He is really weird when I'm around his dad some of the time. He has accused me of "flirting" with his dad. His dad is nearly 80. I'm in my 20s. I am not interested in men old enough to be my grandfather. I have a very friendly, open personality that I guess could be interpreted as flirting if you don't know me well. But come on! He should know that I am not flirting with his dad!
> 
> So now when his dad is around, he doesn't want me around. He will ask me to wait in another room some of the time. When I ask him if it's because of the "flirting" he says no. So I will then ask for an explanation. He won't answer. So frustrating!


I can think of reasons he's do this.

He does not want you talking to any of his family members so you can talk to them and find out the truth.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So much DRAMA!

If this is in your engagement, just PUT IT DOWN and call it off.

FFS. Seriously. He's not marriage material. Dodge this bullet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he travel a lot or spend a lot of time away?

If so look up marriages too under all his other names.

Check his car and see if he is hiding things in there. Look in every compartment of the car.

Does he have keys that you do not know what they go to?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

I agree with your fiancée. You should get the f away from him, immediately, permanently. 

You have 10 years of his life that he's hiding, you have to think he has a reason to do that. Maybe he spent those 10 years in prison for attempting murder or rape. Maybe he was an armed robber, or a televangelist. You just don't know the man you're planning to marry.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Run while you can.Your not even married to him and he gets angry
at you for no good reason.He can't be totally honest with you.

These problems will only get worse as time goes by.Making a marriage work is hard enough with two normal people as it is.

That inner voice, in you is already warning you about marrying him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He is not worth all this snooping, etc.

Holy crap, no.

Move on.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I was so hurt when he pushed me because it was like he was literally pushing me out of his life.


He was doing you a favor. You should have kept right on going. 



Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I guess I am just another fool.


Not yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He is not worth all this snooping, etc.
> 
> Holy crap, no.
> 
> Move on.


The only reason I suggested snooping is that the OP seems to not have a good boundary. So perhaps if she starts to find out the truth of what he is hiding she might find the strength to leave him.

I agree with you. A person with reasonable boundaries and self-esteem would have left him already.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I can think of reasons he's do this.
> 
> He does not want you talking to any of his family members so you can talk to them and find out the truth.


I don't think this is it because he doesn't mind me being around his mom or sisters. And they could probably tell more about him than his dad could.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just stop this, OP.

Tell me THREE real reasons why and how he'd make a good mate.

And go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I don't think this is it because he doesn't mind me being around his mom or sisters. And they could probably tell more about him than his dad could.


I'm older than you, from the generation that fought in Viet Nam.

I dated a guy for a long while who said he was a Viet Nam vet. He had all kinds of stories about the war. A few times he talked to me about the trauma of what he went through. 

Now he even talked about these things in front of some of his family members. Looking back I can see that it was very selective.

I was very close to his sister V. She called me one day and told me that she had to talk to me before his sister K called me. I was never close to K. Bf seemed to avoid contact with her when I was around. V said that K was threatening to call me if V did not tell me the truth. So V felt she had no choice but to tell me the truth.

So V told me that my bf had never been in Viet Nam. He's been in the Army but in Germany. I knew he's been in Germany. But everything he had said about Viet Nam was a lie.

V and their mother never told me the truth because they said that they just did not know how to tell me. Bf kept me away from having too much contact with K because he knew that K was a straight shooter and would tell me the truth.

Perhaps his father as told your fiancé that you need to know the truth.

How many alternative last names does your fiancé have? Why does he have so many?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Another thing -- He asks me to do things or gets angry about things, but won't explain why. He just tells me that I don't understand and not to jump to conclusions. When I ask for an explanation, he just tells me to figure it out for myself.
> 
> Here's an example. He is really weird when I'm around his dad some of the time. He has accused me of "flirting" with his dad. His dad is nearly 80. I'm in my 20s. I am not interested in men old enough to be my grandfather. I have a very friendly, open personality that I guess could be interpreted as flirting if you don't know me well. But come on! He should know that I am not flirting with his dad!
> 
> So now when his dad is around, he doesn't want me around. He will ask me to wait in another room some of the time. When I ask him if it's because of the "flirting" he says no. So I will then ask for an explanation. He won't answer. So frustrating!


Unless you have a low self-esteem and think that you will never find another man, otherwise leave him, he is a sick man, run , run,. Suspecting you with his father? Something is wrong with him! and the issue will be bigger when you will be married.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Conduct your own investigation, even if you have to put so much money into this , do it, but find out who really is this man, because he is not who you think he is.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You know better than to marry him.

Are you going to look back with relief or regret from what you choose to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is he gay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Is he gay?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


?


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

Fleur de Cactus said:


> Conduct your own investigation, even if you have to put so much money into this , do it, but find out who really is this man, because he is not who you think he is.


How do you suggest doing this? Hiring a PI?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Gosh, he's had so many different last names that would take forever!


I think you should expand on this...

C


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

Ok here's an update. I told him today that if he did not explain the half-brother comment and answer other questions, our relationship was over.

I hate ultimatums. I promised myself I would never do that to someone. But I can't marry a man who can't tell me about his exes or his past jobs or who is possibly hiding a half-sister from me!

He hung up on me. So who knows if he will answer. I'll let you all know.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

he's not in the NSA or the CIAh, what the heck why not doing investigation. presumably you have his social security number . you can look him up online with it .

what are some reason he might hide his identity ? jail . he's in the witness protection program . he still married to someone else . he was a prostitute . lets not rule out gay . he has a mountain of debt collectors are going after . he got one or more women pregnant . Others?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

If I were you I would just end it, because what else is he hiding? He's just going to come up with some explanation that may or may not be the truth. 
You can't trust him, he's a liar, he's abusive and paranoid jealous.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

His half is a tyranny! 

Sorry. Those things no longer get ruled out around here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

Got an answer via text message. I looked up his cousin/half-sister online last night because he wouldn't give me a straight answer. And now it's "What the F is wrong with you that you would look her up online? You're messed up"

Why get so mad over looking someone up online? The information is freely available, it's nothing that hurts them or embarrasses them. It was just her name and birthdate and address. What's the big deal?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> His half is a tyranny!
> 
> Sorry. Those things no longer get ruled out around here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tyranny?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Got an answer via text message. I looked up his cousin/half-sister online last night because he wouldn't give me a straight answer. And now it's "What the F is wrong with you that you would look her up online? You're messed up"
> 
> Why get so mad over looking someone up online? The information is freely available, it's nothing that hurts them or embarrasses them. It was just her name and birthdate and address. What's the big deal?


How is she his cousin and his half sister?
He's hiding something that he knows is going to be a deal breaker.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> How is she his cousin and his half sister?
> He's hiding something that he knows is going to be a deal breaker.


I said both because I'm not sure which she is.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> How is she his cousin and his half sister?
> He's hiding something that he knows is going to be a deal breaker.


From families that look at family reunions as dating opportunities...

C


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> he's not in the NSA or the CIAh, what the heck why not doing investigation. presumably you have his social security number . you can look him up online with it .
> 
> what are some reason he might hide his identity ? jail . he's in the witness protection program . he still married to someone else . he was a prostitute . lets not rule out gay . he has a mountain of debt collectors are going after . he got one or more women pregnant . Others?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think he actually did work for the CIA at one point. He has never come out and said it.

How can I look someone up with their social? I have his somewhere, I think.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Are you kidding?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I think he actually did work for the CIA at one point. He has never come out and said it.
> 
> How can I look someone up with their social? I have his somewhere, I think.


If I had to go to these lengths to find out who he is when I'm engaged to him, there's no way that I would even contemplate marrying him. Relationships can be hard enough, but with someone who shrouds themselves in secrecy you have no real idea of who you're actually having a relationship with.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> If I had to go to these lengths to find out who he is when I'm engaged to him, there's no way that I would even contemplate marrying him. Relationships can be hard enough, but with someone who shrouds themselves in secrecy you have no real idea of who you're actually having a relationship with.


I agree! I also suspect he's full of horse pucky with insinuations about working for the CIA. But I don't know him...

C


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

PBear said:


> I agree! I also suspect he's full of horse pucky with insinuations about working for the CIA. But I don't know him...
> 
> C


He didn't insinuate anything. I found some documents.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, you're being about as mysterious as he is... Basically, the marriage seems like a bad idea in any case. If you go through with it, you should bookmark this site to come back to in a few years.

C


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

He could tell you but then he would have to kill you.

Keep digging!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I have a family member who retired from the CIA and he's never acted like your boyfriend . have you googled him ? 

does he have a passport ? what are the stamps inside ? if he has ever owned a house that will be available online . you just have to pay for the information . Pippl is good. There are a lot of sites. 

With a person's social you can do full background checks. I've only done it once and that was for a nanny, with her permission. there's probably some legality involved in looking up someone using their social . there's nothing illegal about looking them up by their name .

you might want to start with the father because that would help you make sense of anything that you find out about your boyfriend .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Have you looked in his car for info? Under the mats and trunk, too. What kind of mail does he get? Ever seen any of his tax returns?

BTW, what makes you think he may have been with the CIA? What documents? 

Any chance he has mob or terrorist ties?

What's your BF's education? What work does he do now? Who are his friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I wouldn't marry him but I wouldn't be able to stop myself from investigating.

Even if you did give him an ultimatum to tell you everything I wouldn't believe a word .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I have a family member who retired from the CIA and he's never acted like your boyfriend . have you googled him ?
> 
> does he have a passport ? what are the stamps inside ? if he has ever owned a house that will be available online . you just have to pay for the information . Pippl is good. There are a lot of sites.
> 
> ...


Not sure if he has a passport, I've never seen one. I did find that he was in possession of someone else's driver's license and SS card. I found them taped under the sink in the bathroom while cleaning.

He said the previous tenant must have put them there. But then later confessed that they were his that he used while "undercover" for his job.

This is just too weird. I am probably going to end it. Will still use those sites you recommended though. I still want to know who I was with, even if it's over.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Not sure if he has a passport, I've never seen one. *I did find that he was in possession of someone else's driver's license and SS card. I found them taped under the sink in the bathroom while cleaning.
> 
> He said the previous tenant must have put them there. But then later confessed that they were his that he used while "undercover" for his job.*
> 
> This is just too weird. I am probably going to end it. Will still use those sites you recommended though. I still want to know who I was with, even if it's over.


This is a huge red flag. 

When you tell him you're leaving, do it by phone after you're already clear. Don't do it face to face where he can get his hands on you. No joke, you may already know too much for him to let you go. Be prepared to call the police if he follows you and tell them about the dl/ss card you found.

I think he's involved in criminal activity. I don't buy witness protection since he still has family involvement. I don't buy cia either since he's such an amateur at this. Either witness protection or intelligence operative of some kind would have a story ready for you.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I think he actually did work for the CIA at one point. He has never come out and said it.
> 
> How can I look someone up with their social? I have his somewhere, I think.



I am an intelligence officer in the military. I am not in the CIA, but I cross paths with them and other federal agencies fairly frequently. Even if he had ties to the CIA, that doesn't explain his behavior.

First of all, "working for the CIA" is rather meaningless. On the one hand that could be a covert spy, or on the other end of the spectrum it could mean you are the janitor that mops the floors in the CIA headquarters. The vast majority of jobs at the CIA are not themselves secret, so he wouldn't need to hide it. If he was currently working something covert, then as his fiance you would have had a visit from an background investigator; spouses need to get background checks too.

If he was previously a CIA officer working covertly, then he could freely just tell you that. His job itself isn't secret anymore. He wouldn't tell you details about his work, but he could simply tell you what his job was. 

Frankly, I don't have an explanation for his behavior, but it's clear that he has something to hide, and it's not something that he is proud of (like secretly serving his country) but rather something that he's ashamed of. If you met his family, it's unlikely he's in the witness protection program. My guess is that he spent several years in prison, possibly for something related to identity theft. You don't have to hire a PI. There are agencies that will dig into someone's criminal record for you. If you have a friend in law enforcement, any police officer anywhere can easily look up someone's criminal record (they aren't supposed to do this as favors but they do anyway). And for free, you can google the sex offender registry and see if his name(s) come up.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> *She has the right to expect the same level of openness that he requires from her*.


This is KEY. Studies have shown that marriages are most successful if there is _fairness_ between the partners; that one partner isn't "superior" to the other. 

Your fiancé is displaying a disturbing propensity for his 'privacy', yet expecting _you_ to be very open. I suspect that he may use what you've revealed about yourself against you, at some point. 

Chances are, you won't be able to insist that he treat you fairly. And if he's treating you like this before marriage, he won't change 'for the better' AFTER marriage.

I understand that you love him, but in this case, love is NOT 'enough'. 

Please do yourself and your future children a favor, and sweep this guy to the curb...

Vega


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

This guy is so full of it, I can smell it all the way here in WA.
If you value yourself & your sanity, you will NOT marry him.
The whole cousin/half-sister thing is beyond weird, just think about how it's possible for that to be true & that alone should be enough for you to run as far & fast as you can.
I wonder which one of his parents is also his cousin/half sister's parent.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Next time if you see someone else's driver license or SS, check if the last name matches with some of the name he has. No worries about checking his history, this days, unless it is someone I know for sure, I would not start a relationship with someone without checking his/her background.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Not sure if he has a passport, I've never seen one. I did find that he was in possession of someone else's driver's license and SS card. I found them taped under the sink in the bathroom while cleaning.


Taped under the bathroom sink??? Why is my first thought that this man killed someone(s) and has stolen their identity?

RUN, honey, RUN.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

MambaZee said:


> Taped under the bathroom sink??? Why is my first thought that this man killed someone(s) and has stolen their identity?
> 
> RUN, honey, RUN.


It he could be a fugitive living here illegally. Run but take note of these things maybe look at the most wanted databases
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Gosh, he's had so many different last names that would take forever!


Why in the world does he have different last names? This not normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hope you will stick to your guns, when you say its over---this guy didn't work for the CIA---what he is, is a CON ARTIST

Get as far away from him, as possible---and stay away from him---before YOU GET HURT


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Was JUST going to say this sounds like a CON ARTIST.

And, OP, you're just another pawn in one of his cons.

Sucks...but...move forward away from this.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

He sounds like someone that will be the subject of a future episode of Dateline or 48 Hours.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

This sounds like a gnome.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> How is she his cousin and his half sister?
> He's hiding something that he knows is going to be a deal breaker.


His uncle had an affair with his mother.
Or his father hand an affair with his aunt.

Or maybe his family has had so many configurations none of them know who they really are to each other.

Or he's just a liar.. this is the one I vote for because he's lying about a lot of things.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

His aunt had an affair with his mother?

That's believable. Totally legit, that one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I think he actually did work for the CIA at one point. He has never come out and said it.
> 
> How can I look someone up with their social? I have his somewhere, I think.


He is 27 right?

Does he have a college degree? If so what is the degree in?
Why do you think he worked for the CIA? 

My father was in the CIA. This is not how people in the CIA live. They do not have all kinds of secret lives and identities. Sure a person might go under cover for a bit. But it’s quite a bit different from what you are saying here. This CIA is not a Hollywood movie. Hollywood created fantasies. 

Now criminals and pathological liars often have many different names and identities. I know of one guy here who was hiding from the law. He had escaped from prison. When he was recaptured they found 18 fake id’s, with 18 fake names/driver’s licenses in his house. This is what criminals do.

How many different names does he have that you know of?

How do you know he has many different names? 

What identifications have you found?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> He didn't insinuate anything. I found some documents.


What were the documents?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe he's a criminal with another family somewhere.

This seems like a non-issue. Dude should be gone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Not sure if he has a passport, I've never seen one. I did find that he was in possession of someone else's driver's license and SS card. I found them taped under the sink in the bathroom while cleaning.
> 
> He said the previous tenant must have put them there. But then later confessed that they were his that he used while "undercover" for his job.


And you fell for this? Really?

Do you know where these are now? If you do take them to the police and ask them to look up the person. They are most likely stolen. Or the other person is dead and they are still stolen.




Engagedandconfused85 said:


> This is just too weird. I am probably going to end it. Will still use those sites you recommended though. I still want to know who I was with, even if it's over.


Have you gone through his things? Does he have a room in the house where he keeps his stuff? Is it kept locked?


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

PBear said:


> Well, you're being about as mysterious as he is...




Agree.

Many questions have been raised in this thread (e.g. how do the OP find all these different last names and why didn't that alone immediately ring a bell for her, etc.), but the OP has not addressed them.

I hope that this is not either a case of this thread being fake or that the OP feels she's in some sort of danger from her fiance and therefore, can't answer freely.

At any rate, I believe the OP needs to disconnect from her fiance immediately; even putting aside all the subterfuge he has engaged in with her, the pushing her and cursing and yelling at her behavior is enough alone to call off the engagement. Either way, I believe there is abuse happening and I hope the OP can eventually see that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85,

Where is your family?

Do they know him?

What about your friends?

How does he treat your family and friends?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Do you two live together? If so is it near a bridge? That would explain everything.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> She has the right to expect the same level of openness that he requires from her.


She has the right to ask. It's his decision what he wants to reveal. If he doesn't reveal enough to satisfy her, she has the right to walk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> She has the right to *expect* the same level of openness that he requires from her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Do you two live together? If so is it near a bridge? That would explain everything.


WHat do you mean by near a bridge committed4ever?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fleur de Cactus said:


> WHat do you mean by near a bridge committed4ever?


What lives under a bridge?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Jason Bourne?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Jason Bourne?


... lives under a bridge? Who knew?


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

This guy reminds me of the user car salesman from the movie True Lies.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> This guy is so full of it, I can smell it all the way here in WA.
> If you value yourself & your sanity, you will NOT marry him.
> The whole cousin/half-sister thing is beyond weird, just think about how it's possible for that to be true & that alone should be enough for you to run as far & fast as you can.
> I wonder which one of his parents is also his cousin/half sister's parent.


It would have to be his dad. He is biracial; his dad is African-American and his mom is Caucasian. I've never met the "cousin" but I've seen a picture of her and she is African American. She also has his dad's last name, even though she is supposed to be the daughter of his dad's sister. It would be very odd for a child to be named with the mother's maiden name, but I suppose possible. I don't know anything about that side of the family. I have never met any of them. I thought the dad's sister was happily married though.

He still won't answer the question about her. He says it's "private" and he will tell me when the time is right. LOL fat chance.

This relationship is so over.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> He is 27 right?
> 
> Does he have a college degree? If so what is the degree in?
> Why do you think he worked for the CIA?
> ...


No, we met when he was 27, he is now 31.

He is a computer whiz, like that Edward Snowden guy. He hacked into my email, and he could probably hack into any website, including this one.

99% sure he will find this thread and be furious with me. Oh well, I needed someone to talk to.

I know about the different names because I found his birth certificate, and he was born with a different last name. His parents divorced and his mother changed his last name. Then he emancipated himself as a teen and legally changed his name again. Then he changed it back to the second name he had. He was open about all of this. I checked it out and he was telling the truth.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

Is It Just Me said:


> Agree.
> 
> Many questions have been raised in this thread (e.g. how do the OP find all these different last names and why didn't that alone immediately ring a bell for her, etc.), but the OP has not addressed them.
> 
> ...


Please see my last post. I explain the name situation and why I'm being secretive.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Engagedandconfused85,
> 
> Where is your family?
> 
> ...


I don't have any friends.

My mom hates him for reasons unrelated to this thread. My dad is neutral to him.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

So everyone is asking why I overlooked all this stuff and everything like that. I feel very alone in life. I went through a difficult situation, and all my friends basically ditched me. I have no one else in my life but him.

My mother is terminally ill and my dad is too worried about her to take on my problems too. I have a brother I have never been close to and who lives far away, and that's about it. No other family.

I am completely dependent on this man financially and emotionally.

It's tough


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> So everyone is asking why I overlooked all this stuff and everything like that. I feel very alone in life. I went through a difficult situation, and all my friends basically ditched me. I have no one else in my life but him.
> 
> My mother is terminally ill and my dad is too worried about her to take on my problems too. I have a brother I have never been close to and who lives far away, and that's about it. No other family.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but it's not healthy to your physical or mental well being.
If he's the one paying all your bills, are you socking away cash to get away from him?
If not, then start doing it today, get your plan to together.
Regardless of whatever the circumstances are of your FI's past, that fact still remains is he is NOT being honest with you.
You can cannot build a strong foundation on lies, as corny as that may sound, it's absolutely true.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Work out your kinks before marriage. If he's hiding information from you, call off the wedding. Don't ever settle for less then what you expect either. 

I would be suspicious of his sneakiness and getting angry with you. This would have me packing ASAP.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

You are obviously in awe of this guy and short on friends at this time.
I hope you get what these "friends" here on TAM are saying to you.
Your life can get better. You have to make some smart decisions right now.
Take care of yourself. You deserve some peace. 
-Zora


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> It would have to be his dad. He is biracial; his dad is African-American and his mom is Caucasian. I've never met the "cousin" but I've seen a picture of her and she is African American. She also has his dad's last name, even though she is supposed to be the daughter of his dad's sister. It would be very odd for a child to be named with the mother's maiden name, but I suppose possible. I don't know anything about that side of the family. I have never met any of them. I thought the dad's sister was happily married though.
> 
> He still won't answer the question about her. He says it's "private" and he will tell me when the time is right. LOL fat chance.
> 
> This relationship is so over.


If the girl was born when she was not married, it would be very normal for the girl to carry the mother's maiden name.

If the father and aunt had an affair, it would be incest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> No, we met when he was 27, he is now 31.
> 
> He is a computer whiz, like that Edward Snowden guy. He hacked into my email, and he could probably hack into any website, including this one.
> 
> ...


So you are talking about 3 names or so. Not that many for a kid whose family history is all over the place. This makes sense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> So everyone is asking why I overlooked all this stuff and everything like that. I feel very alone in life. I went through a difficult situation, and all my friends basically ditched me. I have no one else in my life but him.
> 
> My mother is terminally ill and my dad is too worried about her to take on my problems too. I have a brother I have never been close to and who lives far away, and that's about it. No other family.
> 
> ...


What's your exist plan. How are you going to get out of there and be independent?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way. He might have a key stroke monitor on your computer. That might be how he's getting into your email, etc.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Go to the library and use private browsing. No more ****hing from home.

It could very well be that there was incest in the family. His dad might not even be his dad, but there are too many questions left. Sex offender could make sense if he grew up in a family with incest. Look up him and his uncle and father. Use all of the last names you have on them. If they have email addresses, Google them as well.

What documents did you find that you interpreted as alluding to the CIA? 

Again - what is his degree in? What is his educational background? Did he even graduate HS? 

Do not think your father would not be there for you. Your mother wouldn't want him to turn his back on you. I think you have more to tell us on that score. 

Does he work a 40-hour week? how much does he make per year? Does he have medical insurance? 

What kind of clothes does he wear? What does he drive? 

Does he use credit cards?

BTW, a lot of people can "hack" or use known security holes to find information. That doesn't make him a genius computer person. 

What books does he have on the shelves? How many systems does he own? Are they all Windows-based?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Lol! I tried to type sleuthing, and my phone changed it to slu ting!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I always find it disturbing when a woman is totally dependent on someone else for financial and emotional support.

OP, you are a young woman. Granted, the economy is still challenging when it comes to finding a job, but if you have skills and brains, you CAN get hired.

As far as having no friends, why not start to remedy the situation by becoming involved in activities, clubs, volunteer organizations? 

This man has no respect of your boundaries and he is incredibly intrusive when it comes to your privacy. Frankly, with all the secrets he is holding about himself, he sounds PARANOID to me. 

Get an exit plan/strategy in place. If you need to temporarily go to a women's shelter, do so. This guy is not a keeper.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree. 

This is why no matter how old she is my daughter will always be welcome in my house. I want her to depend on me if she had to, not some random man.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

Sad for you. Sounds like you are emotionaly dependent on him. I did a complete back ground check on my husband gf. I found out family names in others states, lawsuits, court records and she had EIGHT different names shes went by. USSEARCH.COM Run it under the NAME he currently uses. DO IT FROM A FRIENDS COMPUTER/library even some local goodwills offer use of computer and wifi.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you move back in with your parents? It sounds like your dad could use the help in taking care of your mother. You could give him some relief while you job hunt and start rebuilding your life.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Got an answer via text message. I looked up his cousin/half-sister online last night because he wouldn't give me a straight answer. And now it's "What the F is wrong with you that you would look her up online? You're messed up"
> 
> Why get so mad over looking someone up online? The information is freely available, it's nothing that hurts them or embarrasses them. It was just her name and birthdate and address. What's the big deal?


Hmmm. So it's okay for HIM to do this to you (reading old emails/looking up old boyfriends online) without your knowledge). But when it comes to YOU getting straight answers, you get shoved out of the room/told to wait in another room/hung up on/yelled at for being messed up.

* Get out now.* Forget spending money on PI's and investigations. How will he react when you're married and find out he's been spending *both* of your money on things you never agreed to? Or when you find yourself doing things you don't like but HE insists on?

I was in a similar relationship, and it got worse with each passing day. It finally ended the day he pulled a weapon on me. Thankfully he did not use it, but stupid as I was THAT was what it finally took to wake me up. (I later confirmed with some reliable sources that not only had he been cheating on me from day one, he was under investigation for allegedly sexually assaulting a 12-year-old girl.)

You are NOT a bad person for doubting him or asking questions. His issues are his own and you will not fix them or him. Nor will you be a bad person for breaking it off. You do not deserve to live like this.

I also wanted to add (after reading the thread entirely) that I've been where you are. I don't make friends easily, and I've lost many during rough patches. I've also been through some very rough times in my life both financially and emotionally. But I can tell you from personal experience that with diligence and hard work (including on yourself) it WILL get better.

Obviously your "friends" were not true friends. I am sorry that happened to you. But right now, I'd take the advice of the others and move back in with your parents. Update your job skills, maybe complete an A.A. somewhere and join a local volunteer organization or church club (if that's your thing). I'd also check into individual counseling to get a better understanding of yourself and the reasons you choose the people in your life. It may be painful but it will be a life-changer. (And yeah - done that too, and it was a real eye-opener.)

I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Keep us posted.


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## 82hazel (Aug 25, 2013)

Nothing for nothing.....but

yes, things can be scary, cutting ties, but would it be scarier to wake up one day and realize the person that you know nothing about is next to you? And you have wasted your life?

He could be gay....running from the law.....a con man.....a thief.....a stalker......a rapist....a sex offender......

So, is it worth being so dependent? It sounds like you defend him a lot, and defend the relationship, so it makes it all seem like you are ok with all of this. 

He spies on you.....may have a keystroke logger on your computer and who knows what else while he hides behind everything???

Not good.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

Update

People suggesting incest are going a little overboard. It was either a) a cousin and the "half-brother" comment is an inside joke.

Or b) His father had a previous relationship, ended it, and then got together with his mother.

A person who is a product of incest wouldn't just bring it up so casually. "Here's a book I thought you'd enjoy. Remember when our dad banged his sister (my mom) and had me?" I don't think so.

It turned out to be A. I asked some of his family members and they all said the same thing. They have no idea why he got so upset or why he's being so secretive about it. They were as stumped as I am.

So he was telling the truth.

I also contacted an old friend who works in law enforcement. He ran a background check in several states and didn't find anything.

So, who knows what's going on. I tried to ask him about it again today and I was told I'm a "crazy b*tch" and to drop it. And that I "crossed a line and will never be forgiven" for having the audacity to type his cousin's name into Google.

BUT THIS IS THE WORST

I had a male friend I met overseas. This guy is 10000% GAY so no possibility for an affair or anything like that. But he has a friend who is straight who has hit on me. This really bothered my boyfriend, so he decided it would be a good idea to intercept all emails from my friend (the gay one) and get them translated!

Then he deleted them. So I thought my friend was ignoring me and I eventually gave up contacting him. This was over a year ago. His excuse? I didn't mind you talking to him, but I didn't want that other guy hitting on you, so I had to cut your friend out. Sorry.

Now, was this guy my best friend? No. Would I probably have lost touch with him eventually anyway? Yeah, probably. He lives on the other side of the world!

But still!

I wonder how many other friendships he's interfered with.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I wonder how many other friendships he's interfered with.


Or how many he will interfere with in the future... 

He mightn't stop there, either, OP. He might do things like my abusive ex did and start interfering with your employment. For example, he was so resentful of how much I loved my work, he emailed HR and told them I was stealing their stationery...

At the moment you're only engaged to this man. Marry him and it's likely you'll find that all this is just the tip of the iceberg.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

While I think there's a good chance that he's involved in some kind of criminal activity, I'm starting to lean towards mental illness. Possibly both, they're not mutually exclusive.

You need to leave him suddenly, no warning. Send a letter to his family detailing his actions and telling them you're afraid for your safety. Ask them to try to get him a mental evaluation.

I'm assuming you're afraid for your safety. If you're not you should be.


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## 82hazel (Aug 25, 2013)

You are too busy digging for other things and ignoring ALL the flags in front of you. 

You are too busy defending him

You don't really want help

Otherwise, you would be running and not worried. You have family, if they won't help you then you need to find people who will

BUT.......I still think you are too busy defending him and digging for things. So, I still stand by my statement that you don't really want help


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Update
> 
> People suggesting incest are going a little overboard. It was either a) a cousin and the "half-brother" comment is an inside joke.
> 
> ...


Trust that I can understand how certain comments can frustrate you and sound like it doesn't apply to your situation but you are talking to people who are on the outside looking in. No emotional ties, no fog tied to the person they are trying to help you with. You just need to prepare yourself because whatever it is it is not positive. You should take control of the matter because being evasive about things before marriage will only lead to resentment. I would not marry this man until he shows me he can open up and trust me with whatever it is he does not want me to know...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> People suggesting incest are going a little overboard.


No one is suggesting that there was incest. Someone asked how a person could be both his half-sister and his cousin. I answered to show how this could be possible. Don’t twist people’s words and intent.



Engagedandconfused85 said:


> It turned out to be A. I asked some of his family members and they all said the same thing. They have no idea why he got so upset or why he's being so secretive about it. They were as stumped as I am.


It does make him look like he has some serious problems. Perhaps he’s suffering from paranoia?

Does he ever seem to not be connected with reality? To think of it, his attitude about this seem very disconnected from reality. But I mean in other things.


Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I also contacted an old friend who works in law enforcement. He ran a background check in several states and didn't find anything.


Keep in mind that this might just mean that he has not been caught yet. You bf is up to something illegal as him having someone else’s ids taped under the sink is a solid indicator of that. Did you tell your friend about this?


Engagedandconfused85 said:


> So, who knows what's going on. I tried to ask him about it again today and I was told I'm a "crazy b*tch" and to drop it. And that I "crossed a line and will never be forgiven" for having the audacity to type his cousin's name into Google.


Totally disrespectful



Engagedandconfused85 said:


> BUT THIS IS THE WORST


Even more disrespect. To do this behind your back is very aggressive.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

Engagedandconfused85 please dont use the house computer. Don't walk but run....we can all see you are dependent on him. 

If this is a serious Thread...please email 3-4 people here privately your name, city and state. I am worried for you. Just look at the amount of threads someones posted and use your gut. 

And do you still have that id and ss card you found in the bathroom? PLEASE WATCH YOUR BACK AND DONT SLIP UP UNTIL YOU GET OUT OF THERE. ~ Kim Illinois


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So are you done with him or not?

Because if not, then ... have fun with that.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Oh yes. I tell him all the time how much it bothers and hurts me. He just says I'm being childish and that I have his full heart now so what does the past matter.


This is a very important test manipulative people use on others:

They say the exact opposite of what they're doing, and see if you accept the words instead of using your eyes.

You do not have his full heart, obviously, because he is concealing a lot from you despite how much it hurts you. 

Attacking you (calling you childish) is the exact opposite of giving someone your heart. He would be giving you what you want if his heart was yours. 

The stupidity of ignoring the past cannot be understated. It's who you are. Anyone who says this sort of thing has a past they don't want you to know about.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

82hazel said:


> You are too busy digging for other things and ignoring ALL the flags in front of you.
> 
> You are too busy defending him


:iagree:

IMO, there's nothing more you need to know about this man.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> No one is suggesting that there was incest. Someone asked how a person could be both his half-sister and his cousin. I answered to show how this could be possible. Don’t twist people’s words and intent.


Actually, clipclop2 said on page 7 of this thread, "there very well could be incest."

It shouldn't have even been brought up because it was ludicrous.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

I already moved out and I am using a computer he does not have access to. Thanks everyone.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I already moved out and I am using a computer he does not have access to. Thanks everyone.


:smthumbup: Good for you! I'm wishing you nothing but the best; you've taken the most important step.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

IT'S ABOUT TIME. I AM SOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU! I wish you the best.


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> I have been with my fiancee for about 4 years, engaged for the past six months with plans to marry next spring. Sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all!
> 
> I have been an open book throughout our relationship. I feel that it's important to share your entire self with the person you are going to marry. I have told him everything about myself, including embarrassing and painful situations in my life and a childhood sexual assault. I haven't really held anything back.
> 
> ...


I would not recommend marrying someone who is this secretive. To be honest, were I to marry again (I've been married 12 years), I'd run a credit and background check and would offer mine.

You're entering in to a legal contract - how do you know they don't have millions of dollars of debt or a criminal record that could cause problems?


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

My apologies - just read your update. Sounds like you're doing the right thing.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Good for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Engagedandconfused85 said:


> Update
> 
> People suggesting incest are going a little overboard. It was either a) a cousin and the "half-brother" comment is an inside joke.
> 
> ...


Please don't think because family members confirmed his story, that any of them are telling the truth. Some families create a lie to hide a family scandal/secret. Every single family member has the story is so well rehearsed that there are no inconsistencies no matter who you are talking to. My stbxh is a member of such a family.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Troll Thread, sorry folks.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Damn, Amp! Did you recently take an FBI handwritting errr, typing analysis class and you're testing out your new skills?! 4 trolls in 4 minutes. Two snaps for you.


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

I am embarrassed to ask but what does that mean? I'm pretty new to this forum (and forum's in general) and I have a vague understanding of a troll but what exactly do you mean? Are you saying that these threads are fake? That these posters made it up for some twisted high???


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

... this troll is surprisingly good =/

It's, quite disturbing


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

He's hiding too much, there is something not right here and you have ever reason to feel uncomfortable with this. This is not a relationship on mutual honest terms, he is trying to lead you to think he is something he is not and does not want you to see who he really is. Trust what you are seeing and feeling and walk away.


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