# Maybe it's me at fault



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Okay, after a reply from WorkingOnMe to a comment I posted on another thread, I am having to rethink the situation and consider the fact that my husband may not be LD - it could be all my fault. WOM suggested that the reason my husband does not have sex with me is that I've made it quite clear that the rough sex he likes is not pleasurable for me and that he's not interested in having the gentler type of sex that doesn't hurt. I could do with some input from other TAM members here - it it's my fault that I cannot take the pain, then I obviously need to do something about it.

Do any of the female members here have any advice on how I can begin to like (and get sexual pleasure from) having my nipples bitten or squeezed really hard and having my clitoris pulled over and over. I just find all this painful and I sometimes end up bleeding afterwards down there. I also find it difficult to get pleasure from biting and having my hair pulled. Don't get me wrong, I've had rough sex with other partners in the past, but it's usually been a slower build up that has made me horny and able to take a bit of rough. However, just going straight to the pain makes it really difficult for me to get turned on in the first place.

I'm in my fifties and have had several sexual partners and have never before come across somebody that likes it as rough as my husband does. He likes me to pull on his penis really hard, bite it and squeeze his balls. None of my past partners have liked me handling them so roughly so I find it difficult to do stuff to my husband that seem to be to be causing pain. I do it though as it seems to be what he likes, I just can't get any pleasure from it when it's this rough. I know some women like it rough - I have a friend who is an alcoholic and likes to be beaten up (to the point of having black eyes) when having sex - I can't see me ever liking it that rough though.

Does anybody here have any advice on what I can do that would make it easier for me to get pleasure (or even just to deaden the pain) from this type of rough sex. Or should I just accept that we have different sex styles and that if I want our marriage to be complete and lasting I have to put up with the pain and let him have sex this way rather than not have sex at all.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Assuming you're both in your 50s and that your current H has not been with you all that long, most likely divorce is your only option. Evidently he's been into this type of sex for a long time, and trying to make him change now will probably not happen.

JMHO.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I don't like rough sex for the most part.

A hair grab when in the heat of the moment... sure.

Scratching, biting or hitting to the point of blood. No deal. 

I would not tolerate sex like that. But I also would never tolerate my husband never bathing or brushing his teeth. I'm sorry, but I just can't fathom why you have stayed in your marriage as long as you have. 

:scratchhead:

Hygiene alone is a deal breaker to me. Couple with your husband's fetish for rough sex, and his low drive... Well it's way past time to cut your losses and move on.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Assuming you're both in your 50s and that your current H has not been with you all that long, most likely divorce is your only option. Evidently he's been into this type of sex for a long time, and trying to make him change now will probably not happen.
> 
> JMHO.


:iagree:

He only likes chocolate and you only like strawberry. No way around this considering you've both been around the block often enough to know who you are.

But I don't think this is the issue otherwise you would have been having this sexual mismatch problem, and this is a rather glaring one, since the get go...and if you did why on earth did you marry?

My bet is that your husband is passively punishing you for something. Maybe he's upset that you don't find stinky breath and unwashed body a turn on? 

You really need to stop looking for answers because there is only ONE answer but your not ready to hear it.

LEAVE!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

No. You'll have to decide if sex with this jerk off is worth the pain; I hurt just reading your description. Let him find someone else that wants this, and wish him good luck because he'll need it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

PAIN?

as in



> I could do with some input from other TAM members here - it it's my fault that I cannot take the pain, then I obviously need to do something about it.
> 
> Do any of the female members here have any advice on how I can begin to like (and get sexual pleasure from) having my nipples bitten or squeezed really hard and having my clitoris pulled over and over. I just find all this painful and I sometimes end up bleeding afterwards down there. I also find it difficult to get pleasure from biting and having my hair pulled. Don't get me wrong, I've had rough sex with other partners in the past, but it's usually been a slower build up that has made me horny and able to take a bit of rough. However, just going straight to the pain makes it really difficult for me to get turned on in the first place.


Especially this kind above, can never be your duty, obligation, or whatever forces you to do it.

Sorry for posting as a male btw.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

The problem of little sex in your marriage is not that of a LD man or a prudish woman.

It looks like he is an SM lover and you are not (rightly so in my opinion).

A sex councelor could do a job here?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> The problem of little sex in your marriage is not that of a LD man or a prudish woman.
> 
> It looks like he is an SM lover and you are not (rightly so in my opinion).
> 
> A sex councelor could do a job here?


I think a divorce lawyer could do a job here.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If I used the word "fault" then I apologize. What I was trying to say is that you each like different things. If you're a fault for your preferences, then he is too, for the same reason. You just don't sound compatible to me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I think a divorce lawyer could do a job here.


I agree. Why should either of them have to compromise their preferences?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If I used the word "fault" then I apologize. What I was trying to say is that you each like different things. If you're a fault for your preferences, then he is too, for the same reason. You just don't sound compatible *to me.*


Nor to anyone else!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> PAIN?
> 
> as in
> 
> ...


No problem, I welcome advice from men and women here - I need all the advice I can get. 

Okay, divorce might be the way ahead here but that is going to need to wait for a while. Neither of us can afford to live separately at present and I will need a real boost to my income to be able to afford to rent somewhere on my own. 

As long as we don't have sex, we seem to rock along in the house okay together. However, I would really prefer to sleep alone if we're not going to be having sex. I prefer the bed and bedroom to be clean. At present, I change the bedding twice a week as H spends a lot of time lying on the bed in dirty clothes and eating so crumbs get everywhere. I think separate bedrooms would be a good compromise for us while we both try and get ourselves into a financial position where living alone is viable.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Good grief.

Can someone tell me how to like pain? No thanks, I think I'll look for something else.

Maybe I'll try pleasure? No, too boring. 

NOT!!!!!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

If a man wants to be a Brute, maybe he should change his species to Gorilla.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

doobie said:


> No problem, I welcome advice from men and women here - I need all the advice I can get.
> 
> Okay, divorce might be the way ahead here but that is going to need to wait for a while. Neither of us can afford to live separately at present and I will need a real boost to my income to be able to afford to rent somewhere on my own.
> 
> As long as we don't have sex, we seem to rock along in the house okay together. However, I would really prefer to sleep alone if we're not going to be having sex. I prefer the bed and bedroom to be clean. At present, I change the bedding twice a week as H spends a lot of time lying on the bed in dirty clothes and eating so crumbs get everywhere. I think separate bedrooms would be a good compromise for us while we both try and get ourselves into a financial position where living alone is viable.


You have been married for a relatively short time. How were you able to live on your own before? Why can you no longer live on your own now? 

Are you renting a house or do you and your husband own your house? If you are just renting, you could out together a plan to leave when the lease is up for renewal. You can rent a room in a house for pretty cheap at ieast until you can afford a small apartment. Anything (renting a closet) sounds better than living in your current circumstances.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> If a man wants to be a Brute, maybe he should change his species to Gorilla.


Um, just because you don't like it doesn't mean there aren't millions who do.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

doobie said:


> Do any of the female members here have any advice on how I can begin to like (and get sexual pleasure from) having my nipples bitten or squeezed really hard and having my clitoris pulled over and over. I just find all this painful and I sometimes end up bleeding afterwards down there.


Just. Don't. Please.

In my never humble opinion, it is not incumbent on you to learn to associate pain with sexual pleasure. If he wants you to hurt him, no problem - a little rough play and a whip is something you could at least learn to tolerate. You're under no marital obligation to put up with this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Um, just because you don't like it doesn't mean there aren't millions who do.


Nothing against Gorillas


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

doobie,

Does he want you to inflict pain on him? Or is it that he just wants to inflict pain on you?

I agree with the others. There is no way that you should try to learn to enjoy pain during sex just to please your husband.

You mentioned that in the past you have enjoyed some rough sex when there was a lot of sensual lead-up to it. But that your husband just starts with the pain and will not try other ways of approaching this. He's definitely at fault in this as his approach is rather brutal and not sensual at all.

You two are just not a match. Separate rooms while you two prepare to live alone makes a lot of sense.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> You two are just not a match. Separate rooms while you two prepare to live alone makes a lot of sense.


:iagree:


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> doobie,
> 
> Does he want you to inflict pain on him? Or is it that he just wants to inflict pain on you?


He likes to have his penis pulled very hard, bitten and his balls squeezed hard too... 

Looks to me you two are not sexually compatible. I think you are right he is not having sex with you because he is not getting the type of sex he likes... so, he can't be bothered. It's not your fault. I don't think anybody can blame you for not liking very rough sex...


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Yuck. Just thinking about squeezing and biting balls and/or pulling penis just sounds horrible and ouchy. And I'm not even a man. lol *shudder*


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yuck. Just thinking about squeezing and biting balls and/or pulling penis just sounds horrible and ouchy. And I'm not even a man. lol *shudder*


Yep, it always feels pretty ouchy to me when I'm doing it to him, I do really try though - I'm at least willing to try to give him what he wants.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

doobie said:


> Okay, after a reply from WorkingOnMe to a comment I posted on another thread, I am having to rethink the situation and consider the fact that my husband may not be LD - it could be all my fault. WOM suggested that the reason my husband does not have sex with me is that I've made it quite clear that the rough sex he likes is not pleasurable for me and that he's not interested in having the gentler type of sex that doesn't hurt. I could do with some input from other TAM members here - it it's my fault that I cannot take the pain, then I obviously need to do something about it.
> 
> Do any of the female members here have any advice on how I can begin to like (and get sexual pleasure from) having my nipples bitten or squeezed really hard and having my clitoris pulled over and over. I just find all this painful and I sometimes end up bleeding afterwards down there. I also find it difficult to get pleasure from biting and having my hair pulled. Don't get me wrong, I've had rough sex with other partners in the past, but it's usually been a slower build up that has made me horny and able to take a bit of rough. However, just going straight to the pain makes it really difficult for me to get turned on in the first place.
> 
> ...


Your man is suppose to be your protector. Your mate and your lover. If he truly loves you he will not do things that draw UN WANTED pain. Its that simple. And you should not have to put up with it. Stand you ground and say you are not interested period..


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I agree you're not compatible. I don't see how...or why...a person would learn to enjoy pain. 

Lots of times we think we can't afford things. If I had waited until I could afford to have children I never would have had them. Sometimes in life you just have to make the leap and sort things out as they come. They say you more often regret the things you didn't do than you did do.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I agree you're not compatible. I don't see how...or why...a person would learn to enjoy pain.



Some people do and some people enjoy it... but it's on the very extreme side of sexuality, so someone shouldn't expect the next person to find it agreeable... on the contrary. If the husband has such extreme sexual tendencies, why is he staying with somebody who doesn't share it? Very puzzling...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well i do not see this as incompatible so much as you two not talking much. 

HE may like rough sex, but THAT does not cause YOU any pain! If you squeeze his ball sack hard, bite his penis, scratch his back, pull off his nipples, force things into some tight spaces....well, that is all pain on HIM. (he may need the pain to cum due to some beginning ED issues)

Many women in their 50's start having changes to their Vag that thins the tissues and dries it out. So a LOT of lubricant and maybe more mild techniques are important. So
1) you need to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that rough PIV sex ON YOU is out. period. but for him, become wicked wanda.
and
2) you need to be more vocal. He is probably doing the rough sex and pulling on your nipples because he can not HEAR YOU orgasming. He thinks nothing is happening, so he does other stuff to try to up the intensity to please you. Well, if you just lie their quietly, that is his method. If you cum in a noisy and animated fashion, he will probably NOT do all that rough stuff to you.


BTW, were were your tender parts when you were dating?? You did not notice his penchant for rough sex then?? "Speak now or forever hold your peace". You might have mentioned it before the marriage.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You are in your 50's and you have to ask if you are at fault here, really? You two are not compatible that's clear but don't let anyone else make you think it is your fault, that's just wrong.

Did you two have sex much before marriage? How on Earth did you two think this relationship was ever going to work?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

As TheCuriousWife said....a bit of pain at a very particular time can actually enhance an orgasm....

The sort of pain you appear to be talking about sounds like abuse to me, not lovemaking.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Um, just because you don't like it doesn't mean there aren't millions who do.


His preference for rough sex does not make him a brute but knowingly hurting his wife against her wishes, only wanting things his way and his lack of interest in her pleasure certainly does make him a brute.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Holland said:


> His preference for rough sex does not make him a brute but knowingly hurting his wife against her wishes, only wanting things his way and his lack of interest in her pleasure certainly does make him a brute.


And a jackass.


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

doobie said:


> Okay, after a reply from WorkingOnMe to a comment I posted on another thread, I am having to rethink the situation and consider the fact that my husband may not be LD - it could be all my fault. WOM suggested that the reason my husband does not have sex with me is that I've made it quite clear that the rough sex he likes is not pleasurable for me and that he's not interested in having the gentler type of sex that doesn't hurt. I could do with some input from other TAM members here - it it's my fault that I cannot take the pain, then I obviously need to do something about it.
> 
> Do any of the female members here have any advice on how I can begin to like (and get sexual pleasure from) having my nipples bitten or squeezed really hard and having my clitoris pulled over and over. I just find all this painful and I sometimes end up bleeding afterwards down there. I also find it difficult to get pleasure from biting and having my hair pulled. Don't get me wrong, I've had rough sex with other partners in the past, but it's usually been a slower build up that has made me horny and able to take a bit of rough. However, just going straight to the pain makes it really difficult for me to get turned on in the first place.
> 
> ...


Doobie, I am so sorry you are in this situation. In my opinion your husband is abusing you, it sounds absolutely horrific. No, there is no way you can try and force yourself to enjoy these painful torturous acts. Please don't allow yourself to be subjected to this abuse. I don't know whether you love your husband, but if I were you I would leave him and find someone who treats you and your body with love, compassion, consideration and respect.


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