# Here we are trying to grow. Is your spouse doing that too?



## What Are My Options (Mar 28, 2015)

I am a person of action seeking to comprehend and grow by implementing carefully researched solutions of problems at first I do not understand. I google all manner of different types of issues. Read several opinions until I am comfortable with a consensus opinion that honors my values. 

Does my spouse do that? 

Nope. 

Drives me nutso. 

My wife and I have had our share of issues. It probably sounds arrogant for me to say "if it weren't for me, none would ever get resolved." 

She does not seem to identify that which does not work, nor does she consider stopping that insanity of a pattern that never works. 

I consider myself a problem solver. I consider my wife oblivious about many identifiable problems, lazy about thinking about understanding them and how to fix them and uninterested in solving the issues of the day week year etc. 

I also have to fight her tooth and nail for the simplest solutions because of the lack of sophistication about the context and what the hell is going on.

Perhaps I am an enabler.

Do any of you get frustrated with your spouses lack of effort or interest in figuring out how to get past issues in your marriage, life, etc? 

Feel free to roast me for not respecting her actions. I understand I may be more oblivious than she is. 

Am I a problem? Am I the problem?

I wish she was proactive about identifying issues and fixing them. I am always listening for opportunities to fix things. She seems very happy go lucky, who gives a damn kinda gal. 

Drives me crazy at times. She often agrees eventually that an issue exists and what the solution ought to be but I always have to catch her up and pay my dues to get it implemented. 

Example 1: She and I were growing apart - I looked at it and we now have a "system" ad some agreements to fix that. We always greet each other and say goodbye with a nice kiss and hug. That has been key to rekindling some of our passion and she now likes it even more than I do. My idea. 

Example 2: Daughter frustrated with her lectures and shuts down conversation with emotional outburst - I watched this over and over until they were yelling at each other. I talked to each of them individually and each agreed to a different approach and to recognize the signals so it doesn't go off the rails any more. My idea

Example 3: Dog violating the hardwood floor when allowed to roam freely when we were not home (lol) - Googled small dogs house training and did what it recommended. Problem solved. My idea. 

She would have continued for years had I not stepped in. She fought all of it and now loves them all

There are hundreds of them.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

What Are My Options said:


> I am a person of action seeking to comprehend and grow by implementing carefully researched solutions.
> 
> Does my spouse do that?
> 
> ...


What are the issues that you're actively trying to solve and she's not? What patterns of insanity does she follow?

I think we need more details on what the issues are, what you're doing and the specifics on why you think you're spouse isn't trying.

Although, if you made previous posts on these issues, I guess I just haven't seen them


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Why are you married to her?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

" I am a person of action seeking to comprehend and grow by implementing carefully researched solutions. "

That sounds like an approach to solve an engineering problem, not necessarily a relationship issue. Echoes of the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" differences between the genders.

And as others have said, would be helpful to know what some specifics are. is this about child rearing or house cleaning or bedroom intimacy? Impossible to venture much more based on the information at hand.


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## What Are My Options (Mar 28, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> What are the issues that you're actively trying to solve and she's not?
> 
> 
> I edited to put some examples in but it a general pattern that she just tolerates a repetitious problem instead of being aggressively proactive to end it.
> ...


No previous posts made



jaquen said:


> Why are you married to her?


She is otherwise pretty awesome. Love her. (Just disappointed with her lack of effort and creativity proactively solving problems that come up)

My question is, as the TAM reader of your family, it seems you are seeking to understand and looking for solutions on the net as one way to solve issues in your marriage, "are you the problem solver in your relationship and is your spouse also a problem solver or is your spouse let things go, blow them off, expect you to be the one to figure it out, etc?


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

What Are My Options said:


> Example 1: She and I were growing apart - I looked at it and we now have a "system" ad some agreements to fix that. We always greet each other and say goodbye with a nice kiss and hug. That has been key to rekindling some of our passion and she now likes it even more than I do. My idea.
> 
> Example 2: Daughter frustrated with her lectures and shuts down conversation with emotional outburst - I watched this over and over until they were yelling at each other. I talked to each of them individually and each agreed to a different approach and to recognize the signals so it doesn't go off the rails any more. My idea
> 
> ...


So you are a good mediator and practical problem solver. Maybe it's not her thing. People play different roles in this partnership called marriage. What role do you she play? Does she do household duties, like cooking, cleaning, laundry? Perhaps you're just seeing the good things you do, and ignoring your spouses contributions because you're focused on solving problems. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you asked for her input and opinions more often. Maybe you're the idea-man, the leader and she's a happy follower. 
As long as she likes your ideas and you seem to enjoy the fact that you're a problem solver, I don't see what the real issue is. I would be real happy as a husband if my wife loved my ideas and innovations.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

JukeboxHero said:


> So you are a good mediator and practical problem solver. Maybe it's not her thing. People play different roles in this partnership called marriage. What role do you she plays? Does she do household duties? Perhaps you're just seeing the good things you do. Maybe you could ask her to help you occasionally. Maybe you're the idea-man, the leader and she's a happy follower.
> As long as she likes your ideas and you seem to enjoy the fact that you're a problem solver, I don't see what the real issue is. I would be real happy as a husband if my wife loved my ideas and innovations.












I can attest I am more of the creative Problem solving partner in my marriage... I love to read up on anything & everything, buy a book, do research, post on forums..to unearth every possible scenario to deal with a said issue.... *I enjoy it*. .. my H would NEVER go to all this trouble.. he'd just play Nice Guy & think this was all that was needed.. .. He's at least very easy to live with & welcomes listening to me -no matter the subject.... . 

I am not complaining...as he appreciates that I care so much...and for the most part - ready to engage me in whatever I want to take forward..... but still I have sometimes felt.... "Da gone it .. can't you get a little more [email protected]#$" - in some of the areas I would like a little surprising in ...

Yet.. all in all... if your wife appreciates all you bring.. and it's solving what needs solved.., helping your lives run a little smoother and/ or bringing more Oomph & spice....... I wouldn't get too hung up here..it's not so much her thing... .. but that's why opposites attract!


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## What Are My Options (Mar 28, 2015)

Was curious if a majority of couples partner in problem solving or if there was more of a lead / follower setup and if that includes identifying that there is even an issue at all. 

I identify patterns that lead to nowhere and as others have said above "enjoy" growing "us" out of it by seeking out, striving for consensus solutions and turning them into good habits

That is definitely not her thing, although she enjoys the solutions over time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *What Are My Options said*: *Was curious if a majority of couples partner in problem solving or if there was more of a lead / follower setup and if that includes identifying that there is even an issue at all.*


I look at it this way.....WHOMEVER is more upset or desiring to seek changes/ solutions.....whether this is wanting a more exciting sex life....to trying to curb a spouse's spending habits -to keep the budget on track, etc etc...

Then some people are just very laid back / more passive (my husband for instance)....he is not *as particular * as me in some things...just a pretty content guy....even with the same old/ same old... 

So whomever is wanting to change up the dynamics...try a new course....it only makes sense for *that person* to be the one with the passion / a little flame under their butt , bringing forth the conversation, laying some ideas out...some creativity to Woo the other into action...and hopefully going forth together...united. 

The rewards are surely worth the effort..it gets difficult though if one shuts the other out, feels they are harping...or when you both want very different things / just don't agree.....then it's a matter of trying to find that middle ground..(all about the communication!)... and sometimes one leaning /yielding to the other out of love.. ...but hopefully this will be a give & take in many areas.. as to keep the harmony ...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

What Are My Options said:


> My question is, as the TAM reader of your family, it seems you are seeking to understand and looking for solutions on the net as one way to solve issues in your marriage, "are you the problem solver in your relationship and is your spouse also a problem solver or is your spouse let things go, blow them off, expect you to be the one to figure it out, etc?


Me personally? I'm not on TAM to fix my marriage. That's not the reason I stumbled upon this site and not the reason I've stuck around off and on for years.

But we're both very committed to solving issues in our marriage. It was that way long before we wed. I'm typically the one who perceives what the root issues are, that's just more my strong suit, but she has no less desire to work at solving them. 

We don't work well at all with friction, tension or discord between us. We're extremely sensitive to that, so we learned long ago to deal with issues head on, thoroughly and as swifly as possible.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife solved a huge problem in your life though: She let you be married to her!

Trust me dude. I'm a problem-solving motherf***er like you wouldn't believe. It's my job (software architect). It's what I know. The engineering mindset never leaves me.

My spouse?! LOL! I call her "The Wrecking Ball", cuz that's what she does. She wrecks things, screws up calculations, gets lost, loses things, gets into futile patterns, eats the wrong thing, gets sick by her own negligence, you name it! I'm careful not to be condescending to her though. That's important.

I don't find much fault with her romantic conduct though. She's definitely magnitudes better than me in the affection arena.

At the end of the day, I know that if it wasn't for her amazingly sweet, humble and lovable personality, I would be yearning for a better partner in life everyday. She solved THAT problem for me.


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## What Are My Options (Mar 28, 2015)

synthetic said:


> Trust me dude. I'm a problem-solving motherf***er like you wouldn't believe. It's my job (software architect). It's what I know. The engineering mindset never leaves me.
> 
> *My spouse gets into futile patterns, eats the wrong thing, gets sick by her own negligence, you name it!
> 
> ...


Me too Her too Us too 

OK So I guess there is nothing unusual about our situation and approach. I would love to learn how to be more care free but I can't do it. 

I marvel at my wife's sparky sunshine and care free lack of concern that something has gone to hell. :scratchhead:


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe that is exactly what she loves about you....that you solve problems, even when she doesn't recognize the problem! 

It's definitely one thing I love about my H. He researches things, finds the best answer, or product, or process.... I question his ideas sometimes or play devils advocate once in awhile just for the fun of it. But it's AWESOME to have someone who takes care of things! 

Us creative people loooooooooooooove and appreciate the anal problem solvers!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What Are My Options said:


> I am a person of action seeking to comprehend and grow by implementing carefully researched solutions of problems at first I do not understand. I google all manner of different types of issues. Read several opinions until I am comfortable with a consensus opinion that honors my values.
> 
> Does my spouse do that?
> 
> ...


Question: Are you American?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What Are My Options said:


> Was curious if a majority of couples partner in problem solving or if there was more of a lead / follower setup and if that includes identifying that there is even an issue at all.
> 
> I identify patterns that lead to nowhere and as others have said above "enjoy" growing "us" out of it by seeking out, striving for consensus solutions and turning them into good habits
> 
> That is definitely not her thing, although she enjoys the solutions over time.


As smart as you seem to be, I'm sure you're familiar with the concept of how we become who we are because of our FOO, combined with our innate personality. Your FOO and your personality are obviously night and day different from hers. Which is fine. And as it should be.

What's distressing, however, is that you're at least _starting _to see this as a problem, one of you being...better than her.

So I'm curious what the point of you asking is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that your wife is brilliant. She lets you do all the worrying and solving. It's what you like to do so she gets out of your way. It makes you feel good to do these things.

So now she can concentrate on being carefree.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

turnera said:


> As smart as you seem to be,* I'm sure you're familiar with the concept of how we become who we are because of our FOO*, combined with our innate personality. *Your FOO and your personality are obviously night and day different from hers*. Which is fine. And as it should be.
> 
> What's distressing, however, is that you're at least _starting _to see this as a problem, one of you being...better than her.
> 
> So I'm curious what the point of you asking is.


I've asked this before, but I forget... what is a "FOO"?


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## What Are My Options (Mar 28, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I've asked this before, but I forget... what is a "FOO"?


Family of Origin


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

What Are My Options said:


> Example 1: She and I were growing apart - *I looked at it and we now have a "system" ad some agreements to fix that*. We always greet each other and say goodbye with a nice kiss and hug. That has been key to rekindling some of our passion and she now likes it even more than I do. My idea.
> 
> Example 2: Daughter frustrated with her lectures and shuts down conversation with emotional outburst - I watched this over and over until they were yelling at each other.* I talked to each of them individually and each agreed to a different approach and to recognize the signals so it doesn't go off the rails any more. My idea*
> 
> ...


Ok. First - you just have different personalities. you are problem solver, she is more laidback. I bet that this was what attracted you to her at first place - that she can relax and relax you wiht her? Cannot expect her to change now. As others said - we all have different roles in our marriages. You are good at solving issues. Maybe try to ask her for input, but accept the fact that this part is on you. I bet there are things at home that you do not have to think about, they just happen magically.

Now - look at bolded parts. Your family agrees with you. Your wife, your daughter. They both follow your lead. do you know when you would have problem? When you would come up wiht all these solutions and they would say "whatever" and continue doing whatever they were doing before. You are their big hero.

As long as your wife does not expect you to hold the whole world on your back, you are in pretty good shape.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. That's what makes great teams and why teams can be more effective than individuals.

Consider work teams, for example. Some people are great at coming up with creative ideas but suck at follow-through. Others can take a wild idea and turn it into a plan but can't manage the people to activate the plan. Others are great with people but know nothing about technology. Others know everything about technology but understand very little about how people use it and so on. 

For a happier marriage, focus on your partner's strengths and what you love about them instead of drilling into their weaknesses. Keep in mind, most people don't see things the same way, either. What I might consider a strength, you would consider a weakness. And what might be considered a strength in one circumstance might be a weakness under other circumstances.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> Ok. First - you just have different personalities. you are problem solver, she is more laidback. *I bet that this was what attracted you to her at first place* - that she can relax and relax you wiht her?


:iagree:


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I doubt you have solved all every problem you two have had. I'm sure just like most marriages she has solved some and so have you. She sounds like more of a easy going creative person while you are more the problem solving a bit rigid person, that's probably why you both attracted to each other, each balances the other out.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

In answer to the title of this thread....I am trying to grow, for sure. Not necessarily by being at TAM but TAM is a great place and anything that helps us understand other people helps us grow, IMO. Separately though, I am doing many things to further my personal growth.

My H is also doing many things to further his personal growth.

Sometimes personal growth is far more important than "marriage growth". Not always, but in our case at this time, it is.


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