# Are you Ruined because you were cheated on?



## Wolf1974

Bear with me,


So I was talking to a female co-worker/ friend last night at a work event. She was describing problems in her relationship being that her BF won't marry her or overly commit to her. I have met him once of twice and he is a good guy seems like. 

She tells me that he went through a terrible divorce and was cheated on. While he is a great man and great father the experience cut him to the bone and he has become cynical of relationships and women to some degree. Then she says that both him and I are ruined because we are good men who got cheated on and are now cynical and cautious of relationships and commitments. I couldn't really disagree with that summation as i do have a very different view of marriage and commitment than I did before.

So my question is two parts. For women who are now dating divorced men do you find that men who were cheated on stand offish to get into a relationship or hurt again?

Men if you have been cheated on has it warped your view of marriage and commitment?


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## Jellybeans

Wolf1974 said:


> I couldn't really disagree with that summation as i do have a very different view of marriage and commitment than I did before.


I feel the same after going through a divorce. I will never ever view marriage as I once did.

Thing is, I think many people who are cheated on never fully trust again. 

It's like having a veil lifted from your eyes.

Same thing with divorce.

Some divorced men are apprehensive to get into another relationship/marriage. But I have a friend (male) who was cheated on and he married his rebound. They are still together. So I think it comes down to the man and whether he wants a commitment or not, whether he has been divorced or cheated on or neither of those things.


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## Almostrecovered

it warped me for a time, but ultimately I was able to process it and see things with a clearer picture
I'm not jaded nor bitter, just aware and don't use the actions of one person's failings (and subsequent ability to atone) to assume it will be the same with all


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## SamuraiJack

I cant ever think of marriage again in the way I did before. Finding out thats she lied to me for nearly a year was a brutal surprise and trust is very hard to come by these days.
My GF understands this and is very gentle, but for the first year of our relationship if the word "marriage" was even mentioned, it was a tense moment. 

Are we ruined? Not really.
Are we gaurded and cautious? Yes we are.


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## devotion

Well, to be contrary, I feel I am not ruined despite being cheated on by my ex-wife. I feel the woman I married would not cheat on me but somewhere ten years down the road she changed and I didn't notice. 

So I'm hyper vigilant. I'll be looking for the signs of change. One part of me that DID change is that I am very clear that I'd prefer divorce over cheating. While I feel marriage is a lifelong commitment, I'd much rather my ex-wife left me. I don't want, or want my wife to be in an unhappy relationship. But if the choice is divorce or cheating, then it HAS to be divorce. I plan to also try to understand the difference between temporary unhappiness (all relationships have ups and downs) and the rift that tore my previous marriage apart. 

I work hard to trust that if I get married again I will not be cheated on again. Because I still would not - no matter what - and I have to believe that others out there are like me.


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## Healer

Wolf1974 said:


> Men if you have been cheated on has it warped your view of marriage and commitment?


Absolutely. And it's really, really sad. I don't think I believe in marriage anymore. I was accused of cheating for our entire 13 year marriage - never did. But of course she was cheating. It's the *ultimate* mind-f*ck. I'm dating now, I have lovers. But committing? I don't know. I'm so very closed off now and not capable of giving myself fully to anyone. A huge part of me that used to be there is dead. Just dead. It's not even a choice or conscious decision. It just is.

I'll take sex, companionship...I'll be nice to these women. I'll try to be respectful. But I am damaged goods, no question. And it's not fair to women who are actually good, loyal, faithful women. But I don't know how to be anyway else. I'm really hoping one day I find someone who I can really love and give all of myself to. Or do I? I have zero trust and a cold, cold heart now.

That's what being cheated on does to a man (I won't speak for women). It blackens his heart. It puts a giant steel wall covered in barbwire around it.

Tragic.


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## Jellybeans

Healer said:


> I'm dating now, I have lovers. But committing? I don't know. I'm so very closed off now and not capable of giving myself fully to anyone. A huge part of me that used to be there is dead. Just dead. It's not even a choice or conscious decision. It just is.


I hear you. I feel you. I am you. 

With time maybe our black hearts will melt.


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## Married but Happy

I'm sure my ex had an EA, and wouldn't be surprised if it was a PA as well. Our marriage was heading towards dissolution at that point anyway, so when she told me (I think to try to hurt me), I was like "Meh. Who cares." I was already somewhat cynical about marriage, and mine was going to end in a couple of years anyway.

So, I did divorce her, but wasn't against marrying again, but didn't see any need to in most circumstances. I did marry again, mainly for practical benefits. Neither of us felt that it made any real difference in our marvelous relationship - if anything, we were worried that marriage would be detrimental to what we had. Fortunately, it hasn't been, but we will divorce and return to living together if that's what it takes to keep this relationship happy.


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## SamuraiJack

Jellybeans said:


> I hear you. I feel you. I am you.
> 
> With time maybe our black hearts will melt.


I was very close to going down this road. I was seriously fantasizing about the "just hit it and quit it." life of a carefree male ****. 
Turns out that really isnt me.

Then I was given a copy of "The Four Agreements".
It helped me tremendously with my anger and my hurt and figuring out what belonged where.

It really helps to define the line between you and other people.

Neat book. Easy read.
I think I have given away six or seven copies of this book to people who needed a little help.


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## Faeleaf

Being cheated on made me a better person. I know that sounds like a delusion, but believe me, it did. It made me a lot more understanding, a lot more empathetic, and started me down the road to a whole new understanding of love and relationships. A hard road to travel, but one I'm incredibly grateful for just the same.

If anything was going to "ruin" me, it would have been the divorce. Even though it was my choice, it nearly leveled me. I meant it when I said "forever," and coming to the realization that I was wrong, that I made a terrible and costly mistake, that even though I still loved him I had to walk away before it was too late...that was agonizing. It undermined my confidence completely. I never saw the affairs coming. I never saw the temper coming. I thought I'd never leave him and I was wrong about all of it...so how could I feel sure about a decision ever again? It took a very, very long time to come back from that fear, and start to trust myself again.


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## upsetDan

Wolf1974 said:


> Bear with me,
> 
> 
> So I was talking to a female co-worker/ friend last night at a work event. She was describing problems in her relationship being that her BF won't marry her or overly commit to her. I have met him once of twice and he is a good guy seems like.
> 
> She tells me that he went through a terrible divorce and was cheated on. While he is a great man and great father the experience cut him to the bone and he has become cynical of relationships and women to some degree. Then she says that both him and I are ruined because we are good men who got cheated on and are now cynical and cautious of relationships and commitments. I couldn't really disagree with that summation as i do have a very different view of marriage and commitment than I did before.
> 
> So my question is two parts. For women who are now dating divorced men do you find that men who were cheated on stand offish to get into a relationship or hurt again?
> 
> Men if you have been cheated on has it warped your view of marriage and commitment?


was cheated on, lied to, cheated on again. my wife still denies. BUT for me, i have never felt better. a light went off when i had concrete evidence, it made me see that i was better with out her and i have a full life infront me, i deserve happiness, and she could not give that. everyone i know says i am so much happier now than since way beyond my seperation started. Divorce is filed, and i cant wait to not be married to her anymore.


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## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> I hear you. I feel you. I am you.
> 
> With time maybe our black hearts will melt.




Here's hoping.


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## Rowan

I don't think of marriage or relationships in quite the same way as I once did. Finding out that your entire marriage, all 16 years of it, was basically a giant lie will do that to you. However, I also refuse to give my ex-husband the power to steal any more of my life. And that means that I cannot allow what he did to make me bitter or allow myself to fall into the trap of thinking that all men are like he was. I won't ever be blindly trusting again, but I would like to have a good relationship with a good man. What's more, I think there are actually good men out there.


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## Wolf1974

I see that I am a mix and match of what everyone is feeling who posted here. It's somewhat comforting to know that what I feel isn't abnormal and I'm not alone.


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## SamuraiJack

Wolf1974 said:


> I see that I am a mix and match of what everyone is feeling who posted here. It's somewhat comforting to know that what I feel isn't abnormal and I'm not alone.


Nope. You are very much in similar company.
Welcome to the pack!


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## bravenewworld

Not only was I cheated on in my marriage, but the first time I dated someone post D they said they "weren't seeing anyone else." Let's just say I discovered that wasn't true. 

Not ready to be committed; I've tried to get in a good FWB situation but I think I have too high of standards for the "friend" part of that equation. Why is it so hard to find honest and non craptastic people in the world?? :scratch head:

And yes my view of marriage has changed. Honestly, I now feel like marriage is a business contract. I plan to have romance, affection, and intimacy without it!


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## Jung_admirer

Imagine you go to register your marriage at the county office, but instead they showed you the 30 legal contracts you just committed to: 

Rights and responsibilities of marriages in the United States - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Under 30 yrs old this probably makes sense. Over 40 yrs, I'd rather pick and choose the contracts I enter into. I doubt I would ever marry again if I separated from DW .. there simply is no need. Commitment is about character, not contracts. 

Back to the original question .. Ruined? No, I don't think so. More Realistic about expectations? Yep. Blissfully naive and ignorant? Not any longer.


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## ne9907

Healer said:


> Absolutely.
> 
> I'll take sex, companionship...I'll be nice to these (men). I'll try to be respectful. But I am damaged goods, no question. And it's not fair to men who are actually good, loyal, faithful . But I don't know how to be anyway else. I'm really hoping one day I find someone who I can really love and give all of myself to. Or do I? I have zero trust and a cold, cold heart now.
> Tragic.


I could no have put it better myself, that is how I feel.


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## BetrayedDad

Wolf1974 said:


> Men if you have been cheated on has it warped your view of marriage and commitment?


Definitely not, although I thought it would have prior to it happening.... 

For some reason I just don't project the garbage my ex put me through onto my girlfriend. Even she is surprised I don't have trust issues or whatever. I'm certainly no longer ignorant of the red flags of a cheater now but I just assume the best in her. UNLESS of course she gave me a reason to think otherwise. Maybe I'm not as cynical as I like to think I am. For whatever it's worth, I did make my zero tolerance policy 100% clear to her.


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## Arendt

I don't know the full extent of the relationship my ex had with the OM. Definitely an EA, maybe a PA. I decided less details were better for everyone as I had to get into therapy to keep from kicking said man's a$$ in the first place.

But, for me, I look at it like I had created a condition where she was taken for granted, I was living in my head most of the time, doing intellectual work with little time to talk to her when she was home, let alone others, and when I did I started to treat her like a burden and distraction from my "real work" of writing books and papers. So she looked elsewhere. She was in pain and she dealt with it the way some in her family had in the past. She could have dealt with it differently and I wish she had, but I don't really have any right to go being cynical and having a never-trust-again attitude. Her actions are on her. But I created the conditions under which those actions became possible in our marriage. I was not the man I promised to be at all. 

It woke me up to lots of things about myself. Sh!t happens. Learn from it and move on is my attitude now.


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## Faeleaf

Arendt said:


> I don't know the full extent of the relationship my ex had with the OM. Definitely an EA, maybe a PA. I decided less details were better for everyone as I had to get into therapy to keep from kicking said man's a$$ in the first place.
> 
> But, for me, I look at it like I had created a condition where she was taken for granted, I was living in my head most of the time, doing intellectual work with little time to talk to her when she was home, let alone others, and when I did I started to treat her like a burden and distraction from my "real work" of writing books and papers. So she looked elsewhere. She was in pain and she dealt with it the way some in her family had in the past. She could have dealt with it differently and I wish she had, but I don't really have any right to go being cynical and having a never-trust-again attitude. Her actions are on her. But I created the conditions under which those actions became possible in our marriage. I was not the man I promised to be at all.
> 
> It woke me up to lots of things about myself. Sh!t happens. Learn from it and move on is my attitude now.


I love this. Thank you for writing it. It's hard to be so honest in the face of that kind of pain. Much easier to take the "I'm an angel and she's a devil" route, and clear yourself of all responsibility. 

Not sure anyone ever "deserves" being cheated on, but that's clearly not what you're saying. You're using this experience to make yourself a better person, including owning up to the things you shouldn't have done. It's honest and brave. Good job.


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## 3Xnocharm

I dont think I am "ruined" per say, but I'm not the same. I am convinced that all men are liars. (no offense, guys, its just where I'm at) When I got involved with my last husband, I shared with him how my bf before him had cheated and lied, and he promised to be open with me so that I could heal, learn to trust, and feel secure. He did exactly the opposite, cheated with his ex and divorced me. Then obviously there was the bf before him that I just mentioned, also hung up on an ex and lying to me at every turn. Then the last guy I was involved with, who the Singles Thread folks know as Mr Nochem, was a total player. So yeah, I pretty much trust NO ONE at this point, and I have walls up. I used to trust automatically.


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## TheGoodGuy

Ruined? No. Changed forever? Yep. I was the type to want to believe in the best in people, and that has led to my picks in woman. Not necessarily a white knight syndrome, but a "oh that was in the past and she's different now.." mentality of overlooking red flags. Combine that with a low self esteem at the time and it led to "one-itis" where I thought I couldn't let the girl go for fear I wouldn't find anyone else. My natural tendency is to be in that headspace, but IC and being alone for a while have molded me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

l'm not sure , lately l'm thinking l could trust again but it depends to.
lf she's been through what l have , that would help me a lot and we could help each other past it..
I've met one so far that would've been very serious but she wouldn't let herself trust again so , it couldn't go any further. So after that one and noticed the bad shape some of the girls out there dating now are in, l'm more concerned about the new lady than me now.
Don't think l'd get married again though whatever happens.


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## BetrayedDad

3Xnocharm said:


> I dont think I am "ruined" per say, but I'm not the same. I am convinced that all men are liars. (no offense, guys, its just where I'm at)


Sorry you feel that way. I've NEVER cheated or lied to any girl so men like us do exist, just sounds like your men's bvllsh!t detector is broken... 



3Xnocharm said:


> I used to trust automatically.


I still do for now even though my ex cheated on me. Doesn't mean I'm not on guard for red flags to give me reason to think otherwise.


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## Wolf1974

BetrayedDad said:


> Sorry you feel that way. I've NEVER cheated or lied to any girl so men like us do exist, just sounds like your men's bvllsh!t detector is broken...
> 
> 
> 
> I still do for now even though my ex cheated on me. Doesn't mean I'm not on guard for red flags to give me reason to think otherwise.


Also never cheated on any relationship I have ever been in


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## SamuraiJack

Wolf1974 said:


> Also never cheated on any relationship I have ever been in


Cheated once in college. 
Felt so bad I never did it again.


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## 3Xnocharm

BetrayedDad said:


> Sorry you feel that way. I've NEVER cheated or lied to any girl so men like us do exist, just sounds like your men's bvllsh!t detector is broken...


Thanks for that.


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## 6301

After my first wife and I divorced, I was a bitter and pissed off man. Not because I was still in love with her. She was a royal pain in the ass and turned out to be a really mean, nasty woman. It was her ugliness in the way it was all handled. We could have ended the marriage like civilized people but she was one of those people that wanted to make others suffer.

It left a huge scar on me, and it took years to get over it and when I met my second wife, I still had that fear that it would blow up in my face. 

I came home from work one day and saw the old couch on the curb waiting to be picked up and the first thing that went through my mind was that I'll have to buy another one when this marriage goes south. 

Six years later I had to buy another couch so yeah I have to agree that if you've been burned really bad in the past, you will have a cautious attitude. Not something that overwhelms you but it will always be in the back of your mind.


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## Healer

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks for that.


Another guy here who never cheated. Although I may as well have, being treated like I was the entire marriage. Exhausting.


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## SamuraiJack

6301 said:


> After my first wife and I divorced, I was a bitter and pissed off man. Not because I was still in love with her. She was a royal pain in the ass and turned out to be a really mean, nasty woman. It was her ugliness in the way it was all handled. We could have ended the marriage like civilized people but she was one of those people that wanted to make others suffer.
> 
> It left a huge scar on me, and it took years to get over it and when I met my second wife, I still had that fear that it would blow up in my face.
> 
> I came home from work one day and saw the old couch on the curb waiting to be picked up and the first thing that went through my mind was that I'll have to buy another one when this marriage goes south.
> 
> Six years later I had to buy another couch so yeah I have to agree that if you've been burned really bad in the past, you will have a cautious attitude. Not something that overwhelms you but it will always be in the back of your mind.


Thats funny.
The first thing I did when my ex moved out was to give away this behemoth of a couch on craigslist. Seeing that couch go out the door was very rewarding and not a little therapuetic.


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## Cooper

If I truly objectively look at the person I am right now at 53 years old I don't think being cheated on ruined me toward another relationship. But the honest truth is I am damaged from twenty years of marriage to someone that deceived my on a regular basis, the cheating just went hand in hand with all the other deceit, I wasn't surprised at all. 

So now...my BS meter is set on hyper vigilant. I don't approach anyone new expecting them to be deceitful, I think many people are decent. But as soon as something questionable comes up in conversation or actions all my alarms are going off, and when I hear those alarms I am done. I am much quicker to judge and have zero tolerance for any questionable behavior, but again I think it has more to being worn down by years of lies than the act of cheating.


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## Fenix

upsetDan said:


> was cheated on, lied to, cheated on again. my wife still denies. BUT for me, i have never felt better. a light went off when i had concrete evidence, it made me see that i was better with out her and i have a full life infront me, i deserve happiness, and she could not give that. everyone i know says i am so much happier now than since way beyond my seperation started. Divorce is filed, and i cant wait to not be married to her anymore.


This is so true for me.



Rowan said:


> I don't think of marriage or relationships in quite the same way as I once did. Finding out that your entire marriage, all 16 years of it, was basically a giant lie will do that to you. However, I also refuse to give my ex-husband the power to steal any more of my life. And that means that I cannot allow what he did to make me bitter or allow myself to fall into the trap of thinking that all men are like he was. I won't ever be blindly trusting again, but I would like to have a good relationship with a good man. What's more, I think there are actually good men out there.


I made a conscious decision not to let my x's lying, cheating, bastard behavior color my view of men in general. Yes, there are more of them out there, but there are also many, many really good ones. I think I am currently dating one now, and tbh, the difference is amazing. So,yes, I am grateful that I discovered that the x is an LCB, because now I am free and discovering what a real man is like.



Cooper said:


> If I truly objectively look at the person I am right now at 53 years old I don't think being cheated on ruined me toward another relationship. But the honest truth is I am damaged from twenty years of marriage to someone that deceived my on a regular basis, the cheating just went hand in hand with all the other deceit, I wasn't surprised at all.
> 
> So now...my BS meter is set on hyper vigilant. I don't approach anyone new expecting them to be deceitful, I think many people are decent. But as soon as something questionable comes up in conversation or actions all my alarms are going off, and when I hear those alarms I am done. I am much quicker to judge and have zero tolerance for any questionable behavior, but again I think it has more to being worn down by years of lies than the act of cheating.


I agree with this too. The cheating was horrible. What was even more damaging was the gaslighting and deceit that went along with it. I let myself be taught not to trust my gut, I lost my mojo and ultimately me. I started to find myself about 4 months after D Day and now, am almost totally there (still need to find that last bit of confidence in the professional arena).


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## arbitrator

*Having married a woman of wealthy means, and pledged to that I could retire and not have to work again; and then to have her covertly seeking out the pleasures of two other men from her past, all while married to me. And then to want a separation under the phoniest of pretenses after nearly 10 years of marriage, ultimately divorcing her under her terms within a prenuptial agreement. I am really all but financially ruined as she kept all of her assets and income from such under the auspices of that prenup and then securing permission to take out a 200K life insurance policy on me!

I'm now "0 for 2," with both marriages failing because of spousal infidelity. Although I didn't have a clue regarding her infidelity until nearly a year after our "trial separation," her devious cheating was far beyond the spectre of ugly. 

And to say that I'm jaded about getting into another married relationship would be a gross understatement!*


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## WolverineFan

I was not cheated on but my wife did "lean" heavily on a guy "friend" to get her through our divorce. They are now together in a "committed relationship." I wouldn't say that the experience "warped" my view of commitment or marriage. It did wound my heart deeply though. It's not supposed to be easy to get over a broken marriage. It's DNA is life-long commitment and fidelity no matter what our society tries to tell us. People who find it easy to move from a divorce to another relationship quite easily may not have been vested into the marriage in the first place.

People who have gone through a divorce and have been cheated on, probably need to do the hard work of healing prior to engaging in another intimate relationship. I know the tendency for a divorced person is to try and find healing by moving into another relationship. Men, in particular, often want a "marriage" type relationship (i.e., sex) without the long term commitment. There is a saying, "hurt people hurt people." 

My hope for the future is to find someone who I want to get to know and develop a true friendship with. A relationship that follows a step-by-step process of intimacy that leads to marriage. My divorce showed me where I failed my ex-wife and actually prepared me to be a better husband. I hope I get to experience that kind of love again.


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## TimeHeals

devotion said:


> So I'm hyper vigilant.


That sounds exhausting.

You know, whenever I notice that I am doing that (we all do it sometimes), I think of something Dalai Lama XIV said, "“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.” .

That usually helps put things back into perspective.

No point in worrying. If you can fix it, then fix it. If you can't, you can't and move on. Worrying is a waste of energy.


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## TheGoodGuy

Healer said:


> Another guy here who never cheated.


And another.. We exist 3XNC


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## 3Xnocharm

TheGoodGuy said:


> And another.. We exist 3XNC


Thanks guys.


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## poppyseed

Cooper said:


> .
> I don't approach anyone new expecting them to be deceitful, I think many people are decent. But as soon as something questionable comes up in conversation or actions all my alarms are going off, and when I hear those alarms I am done. I am much quicker to judge and have zero tolerance for any questionable behavior, but again I think it has more to being worn down by years of lies than the act of cheating.


You could potentially rephrase that to say:

"I think many people aren't in fact faithful and do not even mean to be committed to one person". 

There are a lot of people who do not want to commit to one person. I think your ex was one such person and so was mine.


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## poppyseed

WolverineFan said:


> Men, in particular, often want a "marriage" type relationship (i.e., sex) without the long term commitment. There is a saying, "hurt people hurt people."


There's a lot of truth in what you said. Long-term commitment often means, devotion, dedication, hard work, sacrifice, responsibilities. If someone wasn't interested in "investing" these qualities in his or her previous marriage, having another one only to see the next marriage failing isn't a reasonable choice.


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## devotion

I've never cheated. I believe my girlfriend when she says she never cheated. I'm now 100% clear on what I consider cheating -- that emotional affairs are cheating. 

After the divorce I did a lot of introspection and came up with this:

1) I did a lot of bad things in my marriage that drove my wife away. These things I need to fix. 
2) My ex wife can justify those bad things as a reason to cheat. She's wrong. There is never a justification for cheating. 
3) Unfortunately if you can NEVER cheat you must allow divorce as an option. I grew up thinking divorce was never an option. But there has to be a pressure release valve. 

I liked being married. I liked having someone there to be with all the time. I liked the 100% trust. So I'm going to do it again. Because you only get out of a relationship what you put it into it; if I get married again it won't be with reservations and worries. The difference will be I will WORK at it and I expect HER to work at it, and I expect open communication and this time I will listen (google walk away wife, that's what happened to me the first time).

I know that I'm telling the 100% truth that I never cheated. I am glad to say I plan to die that way, too. And I am thankful my ex-wife did not accept my attempts at reconciliation because I don't want to be with a cheater, even a reformed one.


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## Haiku

> Are you Ruined because you were cheated on?


Absolutely not. 

I was overtly cheated on and it continues 5+ months later.


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## SamuraiJack

WolverineFan said:


> I was not cheated on but my wife did "lean" heavily on a guy "friend" to get her through our divorce. They are now together in a "committed relationship." I wouldn't say that the experience "warped" my view of commitment or marriage. It did wound my heart deeply though. It's not supposed to be easy to get over a broken marriage. It's DNA is life-long commitment and fidelity no matter what our society tries to tell us. People who find it easy to move from a divorce to another relationship quite easily may not have been vested into the marriage in the first place.
> 
> People who have gone through a divorce and have been cheated on, probably need to do the hard work of healing prior to engaging in another intimate relationship. I know the tendency for a divorced person is to try and find healing by moving into another relationship. Men, in particular, often want a "marriage" type relationship (i.e., sex) without the long term commitment. There is a saying, "hurt people hurt people."
> 
> My hope for the future is to find someone who I want to get to know and develop a true friendship with. A relationship that follows a step-by-step process of intimacy that leads to marriage. My divorce showed me where I failed my ex-wife and actually prepared me to be a better husband. I hope I get to experience that kind of love again.


Im right there with you. Taking several steps back and replaying things taught me that I didnt push back hard enough when she was behaving badly. I took it because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.
I learned there where a lot more ways to disrespect a person than direct behavior.
So thankful I am with my GF now.
I honestly should send my wife a card to thank her for leaving me.


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## toonaive

Ruined? I wouldn't use that word. But I am much more protective of my heart.


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## 2xloser

Healer said:


> Absolutely. And it's really, really sad. I don't think I believe in marriage anymore.......
> ....I'm dating now, I have lovers. But committing? I don't know. I'm so very closed off now and not capable of giving myself fully to anyone. A huge part of me that used to be there is dead. Just dead. It's not even a choice or conscious decision. It just is.
> 
> I'll take sex, companionship...I'll be nice to these women. I'll try to be respectful. But I am damaged goods, no question. And it's not fair to women who are actually good, loyal, faithful women. But I don't know how to be anyway else......
> ....I have zero trust and a cold, cold heart now.
> 
> That's what being cheated on does to a man (I won't speak for women). It blackens his heart. It puts a giant steel wall covered in barbwire around it.
> 
> Tragic.


Yes. :iagree: :iagree:
Totally, completely, utterly damaged, yes.
"Giving someone the benefit of the doubt" is just no longer possible for me, and yes I know it makes me less attractive. When there is remotely a question of someone being truthful with me -- even without a real reason -- I just assume she is not fully telling the truth at the very least.
Being cheated on is really the gift that keeps on giving.


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## Morgiana

3Xnocharm said:


> So yeah, I pretty much trust NO ONE at this point, and I have walls up. I used to trust automatically.


3x, I have been using the walls analagy as well with my current beau. Walls, I now have them, and I don't trust my romantic partners automatically anymore as it relates to emotional security (I don't have a problems with physical security trust however). And he called me on it. It took one night of really battling with the demons but I managed to pull my walls down with him. I still don't know if it's going to work out long term or not, but I do know that it took a bunch of strain out of the relationship.

At some point, you just need to decide if you want to forgive and let go. Who are you really hurting other than yourself by holding onto your walls?

-M


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## poppyseed

Morgiana said:


> At some point, you just need to decide if you want to forgive and let go. Who are you really hurting other than yourself by holding onto your walls?
> 
> -M


I would say, a new partner would have to be extra patient with someone who went through the whole gumut of grief / feeling torn apart from being cheated on again and again over the years whilst she/he was still married. Emotional trauma will eventually get better but not completely, certainly not overnight or within some definite timescale. 

It's good to be in a relationship but loads of work would still need to be done to progress towards healing. I doubt people who were cheated on necessarily would forgive their spouse of breaking up the family unit etc.


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## Fenix

Morgiana said:


> At some point, you just need to decide if you want to forgive and let go. Who are you really hurting other than yourself by holding onto your walls?
> 
> -M


For me, it is not about forgiving. It is about accepting what was done to me *by this one person*. Once I did that, I could let my walls down with others. I will never forgive what my stbx did. It was horrendous. I can pity him and I can accept what he did but I can never forgive it in the way that so many think 'is the right way'. That doesn't hurt me in that I understand eventually, what he did will become almost irrelevant. It was just another experience I had to go through to make me the person I am. It helps that I like the person I am though.


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## Morgiana

Fenix said:


> For me, it is not about forgiving. It is about accepting what was done to me *by this one person*. Once I did that, I could let my walls down with others. I will never forgive what my stbx did. It was horrendous. I can pity him and I can accept what he did but I can never forgive it in the way that so many think 'is the right way'. That doesn't hurt me in that I understand eventually, what he did will become almost irrelevant. It was just another experience I had to go through to make me the person I am. It helps that I like the person I am though.


I think the quote I always heard is "Forgive, but do not forget."

I believe that one should forgive, lest one is consumed by the past; but never forget. I think that your definition of acceptance also provides a way for you not to be consumed by the past; and acceptance of who people really are is key for life in general. See people as they are, not as how you want them to be.

-M


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## ne9907

Morgiana said:


> I think the quote I always heard is "Forgive, but do not forget."
> 
> I believe that one should forgive, lest one is consumed by the past; but never forget. I think that your definition of acceptance also provides a way for you not to be consumed by the past; and acceptance of who people really are is key for life in general. See people as they are, not as how you want them to be.
> 
> -M


I believe it should be "Forgive, forget, and move on"

No use living with the past, carrying on with the bitterness, distrust, and all the negative emotions which damper our spirits.
Of course, it is easier said than done, but I strive to live by that state, "forgive, forget, move on"

I am tired of being distrusful. I do however have walls. It is a good thing to have walls up, the trick is to build in enough filters to let in those things we like


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## 3Xnocharm

ne9907 said:


> I believe it should be "Forgive, forget, and move on"
> 
> No use living with the past, carrying on with the bitterness, distrust, and all the negative emotions which damper our spirits.
> Of course, it is easier said than done, but I strive to live by that state, "forgive, forget, move on"
> 
> I am tired of being distrusful. I do however have walls. It is a good thing to have walls up, the trick is to build in enough filters to let in those things we like


Ne, you really dont want to forget, because you want to be able to learn from it. You forget it, then you're left open to have it happen again. 

Yes, we need to learn to have windows within our walls. Not an easy thing any more.


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## Shooboomafoo

One could ultimately believe himself ruined, when all he witnesses and all he sees is the same kind of garbage that his ex destroyed their marriage with. I look at my friends, family, complete strangers, and the red flags just freaking fly constantly.. to the point that I wonder to myself.... where then, are the ones who are worth keeping?? Not in Texas...


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## ne9907

3Xnocharm said:


> Ne, you really dont want to forget, because you want to be able to learn from it. You forget it, then you're left open to have it happen again.
> 
> Yes, we need to learn to have windows within our walls. Not an easy thing any more.


I do want to forget, once I learn the steps in building a stronger self. I do not wish to remember the past. 
I am done with the past.


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## Morgiana

ne9907 said:


> I do want to forget, once I learn the steps in building a stronger self. I do not wish to remember the past.
> I am done with the past.


I think the best analogy would be a hot stove. You learned very early on that fire is hot, and fire hurts, so don't touch a lit stove. You aren't unnaturally fearful of hot stoves, but you do realize that a hot stove has a purpose and it can hurt you if you are not careful. You don't want to forget that a hot stove can hurt you, but you don't want it to rule your life either. It's all about learning from your past to build on in the future. Stronger is definitely something worthy to gain out of the learning experience.

Cheers,
-M


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## NextTimeAround

I think I have been way too trusting in my life. So maybe it was all a wake up call for me. When times were good, my exH would have me answer his cellphone. what a privilege, I thought. Even when his e-mail account was open, I honored his "privacy." Thinking about it now, had I read some of his e-mails, I may have seen things coming...... at least I could have made an informed decision..... whatever I would choose to do.

People have snooped on me, and they haven't yet burned in hell. so this time around, when I felt some things weren't quite right, I snooped when I could and my (now) fiance and I got to the bottom of his "inappropriate" friendship. 

While I think my timeing was impeccable in having THAT talk, I do believe that if that talk had not happened or was untimely, my life in the last 4 years could have looked significantly different. And if I had hung on to that relationship as was, it would not have been to my serious disadvantage.

I will never string myself out on trust again. People have to show me that they are indeed trustworthy if they want any kind of investment from me.

And I think I should have been that way a long time ago.......

So no, I am not ruined. I am empowered.......


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## poppyseed

NextTimeAround said:


> People have to show me that they are indeed trustworthy if they want any kind of investment from me.
> 
> And I think I should have been that way a long time ago.......
> 
> So no, I am not ruined. I am empowered.......


:iagree: Enjoy yourself. :smthumbup:


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## Pepper123

I was in an abusive marriage... and I will not open myself up to anyone ever again. I tried once after that, and it was a catastrophe of heartbreak. There is a certain peace that comes with being able to say that, knowing that your heart will never be broken again. 

Conversely, you give up the dream of growing old with someone, and that is painful as well... But having sat through group and IC, and reading the stories on here... I am pretty much convinced that good, loving relationships are the anomalies, and considering my track record, I'm no longer willing to play the odds.


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## Wolf1974

Pepper123 said:


> I was in an abusive marriage... and I will not open myself up to anyone ever again. I tried once after that, and it was a catastrophe of heartbreak. There is a certain peace that comes with being able to say that, knowing that your heart will never be broken again.
> 
> Conversely, you give up the dream of growing old with someone, and that is painful as well... But having sat through group and IC, and reading the stories on here... I am pretty much convinced that good, loving relationships are the anomalies, and considering my track record, I'm no longer willing to play the odds.


I certainly have my days I am right there with you


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## nickgtg

Hell no, I'm better than ever! I have complete confidence in myself and know not to label all women bad based on previous experiences.

Lots of great ladies out there!


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## Pluto2

ne9907 said:


> I do want to forget, once I learn the steps in building a stronger self. I do not wish to remember the past.
> I am done with the past.


The problem with forgetting the past, as the saying goes, is that you maybe doomed to repeat it.
I will never forget the depths of my ex's betrayal. I will say I am no longer consumed by it, but it would be fool-hardy to forget it.

I have no plans for a future relationship


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## 1812overture

Jellybeans said:


> I feel the same after going through a divorce. I will never ever view marriage as I once did.


This is a very helpful quote, Jelly Beans. Thanks. On my first foray into the life after divorce forum, this helps me identify one of the hurdles I am facing (as I consider separation/divorce). I don't want my view of marriage ruined, even if it probably already is. As I've learned (while my wife and I put on our happily married act) that there are lots of troubles in marriage. Maybe accepting that, if I can't rescue my current marriage (and maybe even if I can), I will never view marriage as I did on the day I proposed is a final hurdle to overcome. 

I don't know much of your story, but are you willing to comment (if you have kids) did it/does it change your view of any marriage hopes for them? I already hope my kids don't end up in a marriage like mine. If they ever decide to get married, will I be unconditionally happy for them, or will it be tempered with the knowledge that it can crumble?

Of course, I also remember a lifetime Mary Tyler Moore the actress got divorced from Grant Tinker. Her public quotes (which may not have reflected her true feelings) were that she didn't view it as a failure but as a 10-year success. I keep hoping I can get to that point, but it seems unlikely.

(And Wolf, the topic matters because I have family/friends who were cheated on, and to the extent they offer advice in the future months, the topic matters so I can interpret their advice.)


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## 3Xnocharm

I am beginning to think that I may really BE ruined by previous cheating. Trying to get a relationship started with someone I care about and having A LOT of anxiety that is linked to my past experiences.


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## ne9907

3Xnocharm said:


> I am beginning to think that I may really BE ruined by previous cheating. Trying to get a relationship started with someone I care about and having A LOT of anxiety that is linked to my past experiences.


/Hugs


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## Fenix

1812overture said:


> Of course, I also remember a lifetime Mary Tyler Moore the actress got divorced from Grant Tinker. Her public quotes (which may not have reflected her true feelings) were that she didn't view it as a failure but as a 10-year success. I keep hoping I can get to that point, but it seems unlikely.



I am not into that quote at all. I view my divorce as a failure. My marriage failed. But, so what? It is not like I didn't give it my all. I also learned from it. Failure is not the bogeyman that everyone thinks it is. Not learning from your failures is. 

I always tell my kids that if you never failed it is because you didn't take enough risks. That applies here too.


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## ne9907

Fenix said:


> I am not into that quote at all. I view my divorce as a failure. My marriage failed. But, so what? It is not like I didn't give it my all. I also learned from it. Failure is not the bogeyman that everyone thinks it is. Not learning from your failures is.
> 
> I always tell my kids that if you never failed it is because you didn't take enough risks. That applies here too.


I felt like a failure as well. But at the present time, I am glad I left. I feel free, but I also have fears. These fears are not because of failure again, but rather invalid fears I must deal within myself


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## antechomai

Never ruined! Just hurt. I spent a couple years in a small men's group and it took months to let the anger float up. 
Last year I was at an airport, and saw Mike. He didn't remember me (he's 85), but I remembered him.
"Healing Our Anger" was one of his books. It took a while to go from hurt, to anger, to "Life is good."


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## CantePe

Ruined me, no.

Trust someone fully ever again, never will.

Changed me, absolutely.

I will never give myself fully over to someone in trust ever again in this lifetime. Not with current fws and if I were to leave not with anyone else. Not with friends, family or acquaintances, not with anyone. That small piece of me is mine and mine alone.


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