# My Broken Lady



## TroubledMan (Apr 27, 2011)

My situation requires some background information.

My wife Jeri (not her real name) and I have been together seven years, married for six in August. We ended up together as the result of having an affair. We reconnected after 20 years apart (high school friends), found that we were both unhappy in our marriages, and stumbled our way into an affair. 

During our affair I was very troubled (as well you should have been I hear you say), and a couple of times I sent Jeri emails stating that I had a responsibility to try and make things work with my (ex) wife. But I couldn’t follow through on my words. I couldn’t stay away from Jeri. After seeing each other for about seven months Jeri told me she couldn’t keep up the deception anymore with her (ex) husband, and that she was going to spill-the-beans. I an effort to lighten the mood I made some comment like, “It doesn’t have to be this weekend does it?”

Later that day I got a call on my cell from her husband. I didn’t answer, but I knew the jig was up. I texted Jeri and told her, “This is it.” I immediately confessed the relationship to my (ex) wife and told her I was leaving her for another woman. While in the midst of this confession Jeri called and asked if I was okay. I was in tears and quite distraught because I was confessing this shameful thing, and on top of having committed adultery I’m walking out the door. I said something like, “How do you think I’m doing?” 

Days later my (ex) wife offered to go to counseling with me, but I refused saying, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t love you.”

I was divorced two months later, in my guilt I took only my clothes, my car and items that were personally mine. I left her everything else, including a large amount of equity in our house. I didn’t even get my own lawyer, I just signed on the dotted line.

That first year together Jeri and I had some rough times, but I recall they were the best times because with all the scorn heaped upon us by family and friends it was us against the world. I felt, and still feel today, I have never loved anyone before Jeri, not truly. Family and friends are now accepting and supportive and no one brings up the past. 

From time to time Jeri would drink too much (I was drinking too), or get stressed about something, and unload on me, stating that I, “didn’t choose her first.” She would describe to me how much pain my resistance to our affair had caused her (rejection of her). How much it hurt her when she called to check on me and I was so upset (inferring I still had feelings for my ex). How much it hurt her that I took nothing from my past marriage and we were basically starting from scratch living in a tiny little duplex (not considering our future). How it hurt her that I was resistant to confessing to our spouses. She told me these feelings were an ever-present pain, like a dull ache you can live with, but sometimes has an acute flare up.

At each ‘flare up’, I did my best to explain my motivation for behaving the way I did. I was honest, sincerely apologetic and always asked for her forgiveness.

We got married in Aug of 2005 and over time these ‘flare-ups’ got further and further apart, and I thought she was beginning to understand why I had acted the way I did. We get along wonderfully (again my perception maybe), I would have to say that we are ultimately compatible. We very seldom argue or bicker. I love cuddling with her watching TV, we are compulsive hand-holders, and when I’m not at work I just love to hang out with her. She is my best friend.

In July of last year a very traumatic thing happened, the death of a very close family member occurred suddenly. Due to circumstances at the time I was not able to physically be with Jeri. I was not there to comfort and support her at that time, and she tells me she felt very alone and lost. It was then that she began to slowly pull away from me.

Since then she has broken down quite often. She thinks she is being punished for what we did. She thinks that God is punishing her. And because I was not there, we have no connection on this subject. She says her life sucks, and that she just wants out (whatever that means).

She recently ‘friended’ a guy on FB that was a couple years ahead of us in high school. I didn’t know him, but did meet him at a reunion the beginning of April (he later 'friended' me). Jeri and Warren had had some classes together. I wasn’t concerned because we share the same email account and know the logins for each other’s FB. I’m not a jealous or controlling person anyway. She has other male FB ‘friends’. No problem.

One night I found her in the bathroom on her iPhone messaging Warren. She says it’s innocent she’s just telling him about the death I mentioned above. I told her I believe her, but it seems she’s sharing something intimate, and I’m not cool with that.

She had mentioned something about meeting Warren for drinks after work sometime to ‘catch-up’. Well I don’t think it’s appropriate for a married woman to meet with another man alone (from our own experience). I told her how I felt. She basically dismissed me. I said, “Can’t I come along?” She replied, “You would just be bored.”

Last Tuesday, she emails me at work and tells me she going to try and meet up with one of her friends, her sister, or ‘somebody’ after work. At the end of the workday she calls and tells me no one can get away, “see you at home.” This was not normal for her and I thought it quite mysterious.

She had an off-site, all day meeting at a local eatery on Thursday (she’s assistant to the VP of a trucking company), and suggested on Wednesday that I should get together with a friend of mine after work on Thursday because she was going to be hanging around for awhile after the meetings. Again, very mysterious.

Thursday comes and she’s wearing a skirt (normally she wears nice jeans) and has tended to her makeup with a touch more care than the usual hectic morning allows. She looks great, and I tell her so.

During the day we texted each other frequently. She seems in really good spirits. I wrote in one text, “You never said what you were doing after the meeting.” She ignored the question. About two hours later I asked her, “What are you doing after the meeting?” Again she ignored it. Finally I ask again and she tells me she going to ‘visit’ with Warren and have a few drinks.

So now I suspect she was trying to get together with Warren on Tuesday, and eventually it came together on Thursday. She was home before 6:30.

All afternoon I’m freaked out. Trying to tell myself it’s no big deal. But I’m just spiraling out of control. She can see by the way I’m trying to hide my discomfort that something’s wrong. It was then I broke down and told her what I’d pieced together, and I’d hit it on the head. She tells me I have nothing to worry about. I’m more freaked out that she tried to conceal it from me. She tells me she loves me and that this guy knows she’s married and is walking away.

Friday night we had some people over (drinking again) and they don’t want to leave without saying goodbye to Jeri. I found her in the bathroom on the phone with Warren. I sort of lost my cool and ask very sternly, “Who is that Jeri?” I knew who it was.

Jeri came out and said goodbye to our friends. After they left we had it out. Jeri is distraught and tells me she just trying to connect with someone. She can’t connect with me because I wasn’t there when she needed me. I’m telling her that I don’t want her connecting with this man, or any man for that matter. She’s wailing that she should never have taken me away from where I was. That she’s so unhappy. She gives me the old, “It’s not you it’s me.” She says she wants out. I’m balling because my heart is shredding at the time. 

The next day she told me that the guy had professed feelings for her, but that he was breaking contact with her because she’s married. I asked her what her feelings were. She said she had feelings for him, but that she loves me. She said she enjoyed the attention, but now feels embarrassed and ashamed for concealing things from me.

Warren ‘de-friended’ us both on Sunday.

She says the intensity of her feelings for me have lessened quite a bit since July. She loves me, but she’s not in love with me. But she says she’s committed to our marriage and that she will seek counseling. I told her I was willing to do whatever it takes.  Last night we got into it again and she told me she will call a counselor when she feels like it, that she can’t be pushed.

So that’s up to date. Sixth night in a row without much sleep. I feel devastated and brokenhearted. Perhaps it’s as they say, “The chickens have come home to roost.”

My lady is broken. And I think if she gets help she’ll realize how much I have to give. If she can tear down those walls of pain and let me in I will give her the world. I just want so much for her to be happy. I want her to love herself. She really is a special person who always sells herself short.

How much time do I give her? Should I suggest couples counseling first? I try to stay hopeful because she doesn't want to separate or even sleep in separate rooms. But I also feel as though I nned to prepare myself for the worst case scenario. This is the most important thing in the world to me.

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's good she ended contact w/ OM. It was definitely at minimum an EA unless it became physical the times she met him.

It sounds like she was going through a really rough time due to the death and felt isolated/lonely. Still, that was no excuse for her to turn to someone else. It also sounds like she has a lot of toxic guilt from knowing you both were responsible for breaking up two marriages (yours and hers), like she has never gotten over it and feels deeply ashamed, hence why she says she feels she is being punished, that she should have never taken you away from your wife/family, that you're paying for it now...

It's good that you guys are both committed to counselling and working things out. I wish you the best.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't want to throw salt on your wounds but do you even get the irony of your situation? Also you must know that if she betrayed one man that she will have no problems betraying another. 

The stats are that about 30% of 2nd marriages succeed. The numbers for people who are cheaters must be abysmal. You took a gamble and lost. 

The chances are that she will not be able to break off contact with this man. She is following the same scenario you followed when you cheated. Remember how she could not break things off with you when she feel in love? Do you really think that she did not have sex with Warren, who she loves, when she disappeared that afternoon and did not contact you. 

When you two feel in love, wouldn't you two steel away turn off your phones and have sex. She is a master at deception remember. 

You should write your wife a heart felt letter of apology for the pain you caused her. Telling her that you are dealing with cheating now and you fully understand how she felt and you are deeply sorry. Let her know that no one, especially a woman that you once loved, spent years with and had your family, deserves what you did to her. 

Tell her you wish you had divorced her with honor when you fell in love with the OW and you wished you were more cautious in your choice of a mate.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Troubled Man,

You sound like a really nice understanding guy.

Have you ever thought about how much less "nice and understanding" you were when you and Jeri were dating?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

I'd strongly recommend reading all the links.

You're not alone, even though you're likely quite lonely.

Much wisdom in those links.

We're here to discuss it in the Men's Clubhouse.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

While I don't think you should have shut her out, it wasn't a reason for her to "connect" with someone else.

Did she ask you to try and help fix the problems before this?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Absolutely right.

Ignore the "man-up" thing.

Plead, cajole, beg, talk about the relationship incessantly, and wait for her to "make a decision" - losing night after night of sleep in the process.

That's the formula for success!

LOL


----------



## TroubledMan (Apr 27, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Don't want to throw salt on your wounds but do you even get the irony of your situation? Also you must know that if she betrayed one man that she will have no problems betraying another.
> 
> The stats are that about 30% of 2nd marriages succeed. The numbers for people who are cheaters must be abysmal. You took a gamble and lost.
> 
> ...


Actually I know without a doubt that they were together for no more than 45 minutes that day. And they hadn't met before. I do not believe there was anything physically inappropriate happening. If she's not at work, she's with me. There are no unaccounted periods of time.

And actually, Jeri is quite crappy at deceipt. She's a terrible liar. The only reason she got away with it during our affair was because her husband didn't pay any attention to her or what she was doing. As soon as he confronted her she folded.

And don't worry about my ex, she told me a year ago that she is happy with the way things turned out. Nice new hubby, new baby, big house, etc.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

T how can you say she is not deceptive? She was secretly communicating with Warren and falling for him and lying to you. 

It is OK to imbue the one you love with good qualities when they are being loving but she is deceiving you and you are talking about her like she is mother teresa. Use your imagination, they meet, maybe sit in the car for 45 min. "talking". Wake up.

Be prepared, this is not over. An emotional connection is hard to break. Sometimes the cheating spouse goes back and forth, as you can see from the many post on this forum. You must stay vigilant.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Keylogger. Voice activated recorder in the car. Review the phone records and bank account activity.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TroubledMan said:


> Actually I know without a doubt that they were together for no more than 45 minutes that day. And they hadn't met before. I do not believe there was anything physically inappropriate happening. If she's not at work, she's with me. There are no unaccounted periods of time.
> 
> And actually, Jeri is quite crappy at deceipt. She's a terrible liar. The only reason she got away with it during our affair was because her husband didn't pay any attention to her or what she was doing. As soon as he confronted her she folded.
> 
> And don't worry about my ex, she told me a year ago that she is happy with the way things turned out. Nice new hubby, new baby, big house, etc.


Quite a bit can happen in 45 minutes - more than once.

Trust me.


----------



## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It seems like she has no true regard for anyone's feelings or needs (emotional or physical) except her own.
> 
> She has unmet needs.
> If you can figure out what they are and how to meet them, you're one step ahead.
> ...


So you are telling him to not mannup and be more nice so that his wife will confess to him as she did on his previous marriage?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's not an either-or type of choice.
> He can choose to be who he is, which might not include this man-up prescribed routine.
> 
> I agree he should set the limits for his marriage. But this is a married person respecting their marriage thing. It isn't about being alpha, it is about doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and to respect your own marriage, even when the other person is not.


And from his description of her behavior, you're advising him to ignore the one thing most likely to help him.

I'm certain he's reached out to her.

I'm certain he's lost sleep over her.

I'm certain he's worried sick about "Warren" and has told her so countless times.

In other words, he appears weak and needy.

Time to change course.

It would certainly be wrong to ignore such advice.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Don't want to throw salt on your wounds but do you even get the irony of your situation?


I was waiting for someone to say it...

Troubled, I have a question: you said you never loved anyone before Jeri....so why did you marry your wife? Serious question, too.


----------



## TroubledMan (Apr 27, 2011)

I appreciate Conrad's point of view. And I did begin reading the links he provided.

I'm not as scared as I was yesterday. I'm a good-looking, funny guy and I know I wouldn't have to spend my life alone. I think I need to armour myself for what's to come.

My primary concern now is getting her into counselling. She's terribly shy and reserved and talking to a counselor scares the hell out of her. I'm thinking of having an intervention with her family and friends there. She'll be so pissed off at me, but if she doesn't act soon I'm going to intervene or give her an ultimatum. 

I think she is almost to the point where she thinks she doesn't deserve to have any happiness, and that includes me, so maybe I should man-up a bit and show more indifference. IDK. Much to ponder.:scratchhead:

I certainly don't want to be anybodies doormat, but then again I suffer from my own demons and self esteem issues so I have a tendancy to take responsibility for other people's behavior.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Have you considered that the problem is, she was broken long before you got together?

She does not seem very emotionally competent. She blames you for not being there when she needed you--but you did what you could. She is unwilling to allow you to have your own emotional needs to take care of; hers must come first. 

The fact that you love someone like this is information for you to use in moving forward with your life, as you continue to grow and change. Remember that if you mourn and *wish* she could be more emotionally mature, you are wishing she was a different person--different from what you claim to love. So either love her for who she is and be ready to deal with that, or realize you don't really love HER but who you wish she was, and move on. 

But writing to your ex and apologizing is still a good idea.


----------



## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Whatever it is you're doing is not working. To continue the same approach only with more energy will surely net you worse results. 

As Conrad said, time to change course.

Just because you and your wife began your marriage in an affair does not doom your marriage. 

You can do your part to help yourself and be healthy, but you can't do her part too. 

Maintain your own standards. Keep yourself involved in YOUR life. Enjoy yourself and pursue those things that bring you joy. Be open to communicate, but she will need to approach you. You have said enough. Repeating yourself over and over again expecting a different outcome is foolish.

Relax and do something to take your mind off of this. Work out. Spend some time with friends. Go running, wash the car...something! Intervention?!! Why? For what? To get her to see your side? That's not a different approach.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Okay, wow. WOW! Irony is such an understatement. Is it wrong that I'm reading this with a smile on my face? Do you see it? Do you feel it? Does your heart ache for your first wife? See, I'm in a similar situation, but I'm your first wife. He is not as noble as you, because he won't admit what he's doing. He's pushing it off on me and leaving the children and I like he's some great person. His OW (his high school sweetheart) left her H back when they first started "talking" and is now divorced before she carries on with my married man. 

I'm surprised you made it this long. Your relationship was founded on deceit. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Doesn't mean that after cheating once you will DO it again, but you always have that inclination. She doesn't have value in herself, she seeks it from other men stroking her ego and putting her front and center over themselves. It is blaring in everything she says. And you can say you never loved your first wife, but that's BS. That's you justifying (STILL!) what you did. You are both selfish.

I say, sit back and let the karma bus hit you. Hopefully you survive the blow. Let Jeri go. She's not worth it. She'll do it to you again and again. Just learn a lesson from this mistake of yours and start a new relationship founded on trust, honesty, and communication. Because this one isn't it. 

I take solace in knowing that one day my lovely husband, who I loved with all my heart, will be sitting in your shoes. Oh, it's sweet justice. Sorry for your pain and sadness, but I'll just say you'll make it through. You can stay with her and suffer this again in the future. Or you can leave and try to start fresh. I agree with sending a letter to your first wife. You'll brighten her day, I'm sure. Hopefully there are no children involved in this mess.


----------



## TroubledMan (Apr 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I was waiting for someone to say it...
> 
> Troubled, I have a question: you said you never loved anyone before Jeri....so why did you marry your wife? Serious question, too.


I married my first wife because she was a stable, practical and focused person. I knew if I married her she would keep me on the straight and narrow. I'm have many personality traits that my brother has. I love the guy, but he's now a 55 yr old loser. He broke my mother's heart so many times. I was afraid I was going to end up doing that same stuff he had.

She wanted me, but was not an affectionate or attentive person. I told her several times she was working too much, not spending any time with me. She said things would change, but they never did. I just got to the point where I had zero feeling for her.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TroubledMan said:


> I married my first wife because she was a stable, practical and focused person.


So no love? Just because it seemed practical? Ouch. That is harsh, no offense. I don't think any woman wants to hear someone chose her or married her just for those reasons.

Iit sounds like whatever tiny feeling you did have for her was squashed by her not being home being affectionate towards you.

Still I hope in the future if you are with someone again (say things doing work out with Jeri) that you are with them because you love them, not for reasons of them sounding like the "right" thing to do. 

Have you and Jeri discussed counselling yet?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Troubled,

As long as you are focused on what "she" needs to do, all is practically lost.

What are you going to do about you?

I would schedule marriage counseling and tell her when the appointment is. If she does not show up, go alone.



TroubledMan said:


> I appreciate Conrad's point of view. And I did begin reading the links he provided.
> 
> I'm not as scared as I was yesterday. I'm a good-looking, funny guy and I know I wouldn't have to spend my life alone. I think I need to armour myself for what's to come.
> 
> ...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TroubledMan said:


> Actually I know without a doubt that they were together for no more than 45 minutes that day.


lol
Oh, wait, you're serious!

Why do you think they're called quickies?



> And don't worry about my ex, she told me a year ago that she is happy with the way things turned out. Nice new hubby, new baby, big house, etc.


Thanks, but I will anyway. SHE is the only one here who got shafted.

Karma sucks, huh?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Have you considered that the problem is, she was broken long before you got together?
> 
> She does not seem very emotionally competent. She blames you for not being there when she needed you--but you did what you could. She is unwilling to allow you to have your own emotional needs to take care of; hers must come first.
> 
> ...


 QFT


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TroubledMan said:


> I married my first wife because she was a stable, practical and focused person. I knew if I married her she would keep me on the straight and narrow. I'm have many personality traits that my brother has. I love the guy, but he's now a 55 yr old loser. He broke my mother's heart so many times. I was afraid I was going to end up doing that same stuff he had.
> 
> She wanted me, but was not an affectionate or attentive person. I told her several times she *was working too much, not spending any time with me. She said things would change, but they never did*. I just got to the point where I had zero feeling for her.


Oh, no...not an honest, hard-working woman who, from what you say, is the one who held your family together. Not that! How could you bear it, living with such a loser? lol

So...you married your wife because she was stable...to fix you...but when she STAYED stable...she was too boring so you gave up. No, wait, you didn't give up until your affair partner showed up and showed you some fun.

Oh well...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Iit sounds like whatever tiny feeling you did have for her was squashed by her not being home being affectionate towards you.


Translation: I'm a selfish guy and I married her to use her as a stability teacher and, *when she stopped being all about me*, I left.


----------



## TroubledMan (Apr 27, 2011)

I've noticed something about people who post on these forums. First of all they usually don't carefully read what has been written, and secondly, after not carefully reading they tend to go off based on whatever negative relationship experiences they have had.

Turnera, what makes you think my *honest, hard-working* first wife kept the family together? Did I say that, or did you jump to that conclusion because of your feminist ideology? I think spending time with your family is more important that climbing the career ladder so you can drive a Mercedes instead of a Ford, or how many stupid letters you can put behind your name on a business card. And how dare you assume that I didn't work hard too.

Yes I hurt her terribly, I don't need anyone here to tell me something I don't already know. For whatever reasons, I understand why I did what I did, all the selfishness included. I've spent a lot of time thinking it through so I woudn't make the same mistakes again.

I didn't post here to get help with a marraige that failed seven years ago. I was simply providing background information. Someone asked a question which I answered.

There are ways to be constructively critical, but cynicism and sarcasm are not useful.


----------



## fatiguedfatherof4 (Apr 28, 2011)

Have you ever spent any time alone (single and NOT dating?) Troubled? My advice to you is part company with this young lady, I'm sure she is a great gal deserving of happiness and all that but she has deeper issues that you cannot fix by offering a stable relationship and whatnot because you said it yourself, you have issues too. I have a daughter that is coming into womanhood so to speak and yes we've had the talks about boys, girls and relationships but we've also discussed that it's OK to be on your own too.
How much do you really know about yourself Troubled? Outside of a relationship I mean. If you decide to part company with you woman then spend some time single. In recovery they say in order to know if you are healthy enough to maintain and nurture a relationship it'll take 2 years. In those 2 years you are going to, in the first year, buy a house plant. Water it, make sure it gets sun, clean the leaves, love it, just DONT LET IT DIE! Next, in the beginning of the second year get yourself a pet (anything that'll be ok with where you live), walk it, play with it, feed it, bathe it, love it. If both of them are alive after the 2 years is up you know you are attentive enough, caring enough and responsible enough to have what you have always wanted in every relationship before and it was from within you.
Then again.... what do I know?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Troubled,

I know you are feeling frustrated at some of the feedback and opinions you are getting -- and you're correct -- people tend to post their viewpoints from their own experiences they have had. We tend to write about what we know. That is natural.

Don't feel discouraged posting here though. We will try to help you and offer support. Note: not everyone is going to agree with you. Hell, not all of us agree with eachother. It's the nature of the beast.

From what you have posted, to an outsider looking in, it would appear that Jeri seems to exhibit a certain pattern in her relationships. Go back and re-read what you wrote. Do you see it? From what you have written about her past behavior, one can surmise that it seems she has a proclivity for reaching out to a third party outside of her central relationship(s) when she feels that her emotional needs aren't being met (or for reason she says she is feeling isolated). 

It seems to be weighing on her immensely, the guilt, and you said she started this about a yr ago, saying how she felt she was *being punished, does not deserve happiness, and feels bad for taking you away from your wife and family*. Guilt is a motherf-cker. It's not pretty and if someone doesn't deal with it or represses it for a long time and does not address it, can start to seep out in a lot of different ways -- low self-esteem, insecurity, toxic shame, paranoia, self-defeat, fear, anxiety, depression. 

I think she probably should address these things with a counselor, individually, as well as go to MC with you so that you both can talk about her unresolved feelings (because it's clear she has many) as a result of the affair you both had together that played a part in breaking up, and eventually, terminating two marriages. Couple her guilt with some grief she has experienced from the loss of a relative tecently through a death, and it can seem like a volcano waiting to explode. These problems for her seem insurmountable. 

As for Warren, maybe nothing did happen. But maybe it did. The end result is that she is/was having a very inappropriate relationship with him and hiding it from you. That means she knows it was wrong. If she could not do it in front of you, that is a huge red flag. She needs to end ALL contact with him. And even moreso, you really need to talk to eachother about your feelings, what is lacking in the marriage, how to make it right. It's clear she was feeling disconnected from you -- so much so that she started to seek out "a connection" (her words) with a man she saw at a HS reunion and befriended again and managed to keep the relationship a secret from you, going as far as hiding in the bathroom to speak with him and lying to you about meeting up with him. 

I hope you will stay at TAM to post because your situation, just like others, are huge learning experiences for all of us and through learning and offering advice, we all coming out knowing more.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TroubledMan said:


> I've noticed something about people who post on these forums. First of all they usually don't carefully read what has been written, and secondly, after not carefully reading they tend to go off based on whatever negative relationship experiences they have had.
> 
> Turnera, what makes you think my *honest, hard-working* first wife kept the family together? Did I say that, or did you jump to that conclusion because of your feminist ideology?


Here's what you said:


> I married my first wife because *she was a stable, practical and focused person*. I knew if I married her* she would keep me on the straight and narrow*. I'm have *many personality traits that my brother has. I love the guy, but he's now a 55 yr old loser*. He broke my mother's heart so many times. *I was afraid I was going to end up doing that same stuff he had.
> 
> *She wanted me, but was not an affectionate or attentive person. I told her several times *she was working too much, not spending any time with me.* She said things would change, but they never did. I just got to the point where I had zero feeling for her.


 
The worst thing I can find in your posts about your exwife is that she said she would change but didn't. Around here, that's when we usually tell the one coming here to work harder to change the marriage. Not cheat on it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> people tend to post their viewpoints from their own experiences they have had. We tend to write about what we know. That is natural.


fwiw, I've never been cheated on, I've never cheated, and I'm not a feminist. 

I just know BS and selfishness when I see it.

If your first wife is happy now, great. You did her a favor of sorts. But she still went through hell because you - as YOU describe - weren't getting enough attention and didn't think she had her priorities straight (even though you married her for it). Sorry if you don't like to have it brought up.

But the bottom line is this: you have issues, your wife has issues, and if you don't both work on them separately, your marriage can't improve, nor can either of you as individuals.

Work on yourself, ask your wife to work on herself, and be prepared to move on alone if she won't.


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Tunera get off your perch. You have said the same stuff to me. This website is full of broken people looking for help, not to be scolded and told how horrible they are for being human.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nope. I never said he was horrible; that's you looking at hard words from the prospective of a cheater - I never said he was a horrible human being or that he IS horrible for being human. I said he shouldn't be surprised that a cheater is cheating on him.

fwiw, I have given him advice: Work on himself and hope she does the same. He wants advice on how to make HER go to counseling, so SHE will stop cheating and want him again.

And virtually ever poster here (including me) has told him the same thing: you can't MAKE someone else do ANYTHING. All you can do is look at your half and make sure it's the best offer out there.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Troubled - Did your wife ever express remorse or apologize to her husband for cheating on him/the affair with you that ultimately ended in her divorcing him?

If she didn't, that could be another layer of her guilt.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Troubled - Did your wife ever express remorse or apologize to her husband for cheating on him/the affair with you that ultimately ended in her divorcing him?
> 
> If she didn't, that could be another layer of her guilt.


 Good point.


----------



## TroubledMan (Apr 27, 2011)

Took some of the advice I found here. I spent a lot of time thinking about what my life would be like should this marriage fail. The world will not come crashing down on my head, I will survive. I know I could find love again. I realized that I couldn’t let fear paralyze me.

I sat down with Jeri last Thursday and laid it out. I kept my cool, my voice even and regular, no tearing up. I told her, “Well you need to make a decision then. Either you commit to working on yourself and our marriage, or I’ll make it easy on you and leave. There’s no pressure. I will not break down and beg, or plead. I don’t want you to stay with me because you feel responsible for me. The last thing I want is your pity.”

“I’ve worked out the financials, and both of us could easily make it on our own salaries. I’ll even help you find a roommate so you can keep the apartment.” 

Then she says, “Sounds like you’re already making plans for separation.”

I replied, “Let me make one thing clear. More than anything I want a loving, happy future with you as my wife. But I am prepared for whatever happens. I will not be a victim.”

Then I asked her to imagine herself as a happier person, a person not plagued by negative thoughts and emotions, would that future include me? She indicated that she wanted that more than anything. I said if you want to work it out and continue to build a life with me then I have conditions.

A.	You will discontinue all contact with Warren, period. Not even a parting message saying you’re no longer going to have contact with him.

B.	You will immediately give me your FB and email passwords, there will be total transparency.

C.	You will arrange to begin seeing a counselor this coming week.

She agreed to my conditions and she has an appointment with a licensed psychologist the day after tomorrow.

I emailed Warren, told him I knew about their meeting, and what Jeri had said about it. I asked him “man to man” that he discontinues all contact with Jeri. And if Jeri should reach out to him that he ignores her. He replied, and confirmed what Jeri had told me about their meeting, that he would not involve himself with a married woman. And he had ‘de-friended’ us both on FB because of this. He said he respected and liked me, and would do what I asked. Then he wished us luck.

In retrospect, he’s more honorable than I was when faced with the same moral dilemma. Life is growth.

So now the work begins. As Ronald Reagan said, “Trust, but verify”. I will be keeping close tabs on Jeri. While she’s seeing a counselor I will be supportive and work on myself. I’ll work on ‘manning up’ a bit more, and keep reminding myself that I’m not doing Jeri or myself any favors by losing who I am trying to please her all the time. I’ve been hitting the gym everyday and have started losing some weight.

Someone earlier had said that I wanted Jeri to be someone different than who I fell in love with. But if she is able to find her way out of the darkness I think she’ll still be my Jeri, just a more confident, adjusted and happier version. And if she decides then that she wants a life without me I will be prepared.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Very nice job.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your boundaries are very good.  Now you have to stick to them.

Warren sounds like a decent guy if he listened to you and cut it off on his end. I am happy to see your wife wants to work it out with you. And I am also glad you came back. I was worried you ran away after reading all of our posts  See, we're not that bad!


----------



## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Your boundaries are very good.  Now you have to stick to them.
> 
> Warren sounds like a decent guy if he listened to you and cut it off on his end. I am happy to see your wife wants to work it out with you. And I am also glad you came back. I was worried you ran away after reading all of our posts  See, we're not that bad!


Im not really political, but Ronald Reagan said something once that might be fitting in this situation: *Trust but verify.*

I would *not trust* what Warren tells you. He knew you were married from the get go, yet he met her anyway. If he wants to get into your wifes pants, he will say anything to placate you.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Great job.

Stay the course.



TroubledMan said:


> Took some of the advice I found here. I spent a lot of time thinking about what my life would be like should this marriage fail. The world will not come crashing down on my head, I will survive. I know I could find love again. I realized that I couldn’t let fear paralyze me.
> 
> I sat down with Jeri last Thursday and laid it out. I kept my cool, my voice even and regular, no tearing up. I told her, “Well you need to make a decision then. Either you commit to working on yourself and our marriage, or I’ll make it easy on you and leave. There’s no pressure. I will not break down and beg, or plead. I don’t want you to stay with me because you feel responsible for me. The last thing I want is your pity.”
> 
> ...


----------

