# ...disappointed again



## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

I have been seeing a man for about three years. The relationship started as an affair, he was single, I wasn't. For the first two years we spent time together whenever I could get over to see him. Throughout this time I would often ask him to go do various things with me and he would always say no. He lived in a different city then me so I was never worried about anyone I knew seeing us. He always used the excuse that he did not want to form more memories of us when we might not end up together, he would also mention that he never would want to be in a predicament where he we would run into someone or he would say that he does not want to present "us" as something that we couldn't be at the time. I ended up leaving my marriage, not necessarily for him, for other reasons too, but I did want to see where the relationship would lead. We have a connection. We have deep conversation and the same view about a variety of things. I can be with him for five hours and it feels like five minutes. I enjoy his company and he enjoys mine.

We live about an hour away from each other and when we see each other it is STILL ALWAYS me driving and going to see him. I will drive and go see him even after I worked all day or even if I have to get up an hour earlier to go back to work in the morning. I also work to jobs and have to go to work after work. I still go see him after. He does not work right now. He lost his job about a year ago and has been getting unemployment. I often feel bad asking him to come to see me because I know that gas is expensive and I don't want him to have to get up early the next morning and drive home when I have to go to work. 

When I do go see him it always consists of staying at his house and just watching TV and chatting. Sometimes I will bring groceries and cook a nice dinner, sometimes I will grab a movie for us to watch, a lot of times I try to do different things to make it like a "date" at the house. The problem is that whenever I ask him to go and do things outside of the house he always says no or finds a reason not to. We have never been out ANYWHERE together. I understood then we were in the situation we were in, but now I am questioning if this is really just how he is. He never takes me to dinner, he never takes me to the movies, he never suggests anything, he never cooks for me, it is like he does not put any effort AT ALL! He wants to be with me, but doesn't do anything to make that happen.

It has gotten to the point where I am really getting tired of it. I do not look forward to seeing him as much and I do not get excited to make little "date" nights because I am mad that he never lifts a finger and always says no when I suggest things. 

Last weekend, it was Sweetest Day. I had someone to work for me and I planned to go to the grocery store, cook a nice dinner, grab some wine, get dressed up and go to his house. I had also planned to get some lingerie and some other things for later in the night. When I mentioned that I was thinking about taking off of work and coming to cook him dinner, he replied with a "I don't really want you to take off of work." I immediately was pissed. It turned into a HUGE argument and I ended up making myself the dinner, drinking the wine, taking a shower and going to bed. 

I just wonder if he is just too selfish to see that he puts absolutely NO effort. When should I just say enough is enough. How many times can a person be disappointed before realizing that it is not going to change. I do not want to change him, I have learned that you cannot make people do what you want them to do, but I just wonder if the relationship is important to him, why wouldn't he want to?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like all he ever wanted was a booty call. Why should he change it up when it's worked so well for him for 3 years? 

You go to him, you buy the groceries, you cook him dinner, you get laid, you get up and you go home. If you turned into a six-pack, you'd be the perfect woman.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> It sounds like all he ever wanted was a booty call. Why should he change it up when it's worked so well for him for 3 years?
> 
> You go to him, you buy the groceries, you cook him dinner, you get laid, you get up and you go home. If you turned into a six-pack, you'd be the perfect woman.


You go to him
you buy the food,
you cook,
HE GETS LAID.

All this guy has willing to do is let you come to him so he gets to cum.

All that along with all kinds of excuses to not do anything else with you.


Yet you can not take the hint. So a little bluntness.


They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

You are free and he does not want to buy the cow. He will put up with you as long as he gets the milk free.

You cheated on your BH for this POS.

You divorced your BH for this POS.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> It sounds like all he ever wanted was a booty call. Why should he change it up when it's worked so well for him for 3 years?
> 
> You go to him, you buy the groceries, you cook him dinner, you get laid, you get up and you go home. If you turned into a six-pack, you'd be the perfect woman.


I have thought this many times too, but he does not treat it like that as far as the conversation and what he wants. We talk throughout the day and he talks about our future together. I do agree with the why should he change when it's worked so well for 3 years. That is often what I wonder, but then why keep having a relationship with me and telling me you want to be with me. The other thing is that I honestly do not believe he has anyone else. He is always available and he has never not let me come over. I don't know, you could be right that it is just a booty call, but I really really don't get that impression. It would make much more sense if that is what I thought it was.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you have with him is what he wants. It's all he wants. He wants a women who is a booty call who does all the driving, all the spending, etc. 

He tells you that he wants to be with you.. what he means is that he wants to be with you as long as things are exactly as they are right now. 

Men like him often get involved with married women because a married woman cannot demand anything more.

Did he encourage you to leave your husband for him?

Always believe a man's actions. Words mean nothing. His actions are that he is not willing to even get in a car and drive to see you. Is this really what you want... really?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"but then why keep having a relationship with me and telling me you want to be with me. The other thing is that I honestly do not believe he has anyone else. He is always available and he has never not let me come over."

Reread my post. Is it surprising that he has no one else? That might require he actually expend a little effort.

After 3 years, you have a pretty good idea of what a future with this man would look like. TV, chatting, buying the groceries and cooking him dinner. Exciting, huh? Is he starting to look a lot like your ex-husband?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

You see a relationship.
He sees an arrangement.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

theroad said:


> You go to him
> you buy the food,
> you cook,
> HE GETS LAID.
> ...



As I recall from other posts her BH is a pos, but so is this guy. Get rid of both of them and put yourself together. You don't have to have a man all the time you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What you have with him is what he wants. It's all he wants. He wants a women who is a booty call who does all the driving, all the spending, etc.
> 
> He tells you that he wants to be with you.. what he means is that he wants to be with you as long as things are exactly as they are right now.
> 
> ...


^This.

I'm not sure why you're unable to see it clearly yet, but I will venture a guess that its because you feel he really 'gets you'? Thats a very strong attractant and hard to walk away from, imo. However, as you're seeing, its not enough on its own.

Even if he is sincere and you stayed with him...can you imagine what you might feel like after another 5 years of this? 

In the 12 step programs they say "if nothing changes, nothing changes". Perhaps its you who will have to change her approach? Just a thought.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What you have with him is what he wants. It's all he wants. He wants a women who is a booty call who does all the driving, all the spending, etc.
> 
> He tells you that he wants to be with you.. what he means is that he wants to be with you as long as things are exactly as they are right now.
> 
> ...


He did not necessarily encourage me to leave my H FOR him, but he did give me courage to leave my H. He would always tell me that I am capable of doing anything I need to do to be happy. He would also tell me that I deserve to be happy and that I was settling. I didn't actually discuss my relationship or situation with my H much with him. He just knew that I wasn't happy because if I was then why would I be having an affair. I really never foreseen myself as a person that would ever have an affair, so it really did make me start questioning my happiness and what happiness is. I was not happy either way with my H, regardless of the other man. 

I do not really want a relationship like this. I have a hard time knowing when to give up, and I have a hard time breaking things off. I often make excuses for people and their behaviors. We have had many many arguments about this specific topic, so he definitely knows my feelings about it, but he never changes it. He always tells me he loves me and he is very nice when I am with him, but he just never wants to do anything EVER.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> As I recall from other posts her BH is a pos, but so is this guy. Get rid of both of them and put yourself together. You don't have to have a man all the time you know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am really trying to work on realizing that!...I know that I need to find me and other's here have pointed that out and made it clear as well with very good examples. I do not know why I feel like I always have to have someone. I also do not know why it is so hard for me to end a relationship and stick to it.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

HangingOnHope said:


> ^This.
> 
> I'm not sure why you're unable to see it clearly yet, but I will venture a guess that its because you feel he really 'gets you'? Thats a very strong attractant and hard to walk away from, imo. However, as you're seeing, its not enough on its own.
> 
> ...


You are right. I cannot imagine it for that length of time. I already cannot deal with it now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Breathe31, you've never really been on your own. You have not come into your own as an adult. You only know yourself in context with others.

Take a sabbatical from relationships for a year and get to know yourself and then you will be able to establish boundaries for yourself. 

Learn what you will and will not accept and then you can frame timetables so you won't be burning daylight waiting for others to treat you the way you want to be treated. 

You've seen what your husband (and I use that term generously) and your current friend have to offer. You deserve much, much more.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Breathe, one thing to remember is that predator type men, as in abusive/booty call/etc can smell women that can't be alone. They make good targets. When you become ok with it and focus of bettering your life you will start to attract higher quality men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My bet is that you do not break it off with him because you avoid confrontation.

Breaking up with this guy does not require confrontation. It just requires that you stop going over there and eventually stop talking on the phone with him.

He won't do anything like start driving over to your place all the time to be with you. So ending it is easy.

Step one is to stop going over there. When you talk on the phone don't talk about you going over there. If he mentions it just tell him that you are busy right now. Then after a couple of weeks stop talking to him, stop calling him or taking his calls.

There it's done. You owe him no explanation. You have told him enough what you need and he knows that he is not willing to give you what you need.

What kinds of things do you do for your own enjoyment? Friends? Activities? Get busy.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My bet is that you do not break it off with him because you avoid confrontation.
> 
> Breaking up with this guy does not require confrontation. It just requires that you stop going over there and eventually stop talking on the phone with him.
> 
> ...


I have stopped going as often because I was getting so sick of it. The problem is after a week or two of not seeing him I start to minimize the problems and want to go by him. Sometimes I think I might be the one using him for something. 

But I agree with you, it shouldn't be too hard of a break confrontation wise. He doesn't really have much to say. I think I always feel bad that I expect things from him because I feel like he "waited" for me for so long and that was a sacrifice that he made. Now, I think that he just thinks that I do not have any expectations of him. 

I do need to get busy. I do spend most of my free time with my son. I have friends that I go out with on occasion, but I feel like when it's time to go home I would rather go by him.


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## swade87 (Oct 23, 2013)

Sounds like an ex of mine. I spent 3 years trying to get him out of the house. We lived together for 2 of those years, but it was no better. He would never go to a restaurant or even out to a movie. I was promised change for 3 years. Nothing ever changed. I was miserable because of it. We eventually broke up for a few reasons.. him never wanting to go anywhere was one of them. I'm much happier in that department now.. and with a man who likes to go out and do all the same things I like to do.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

swade87 said:


> Sounds like an ex of mine. I spent 3 years trying to get him out of the house. We lived together for 2 of those years, but it was no better. He would never go to a restaurant or even out to a movie. I was promised change for 3 years. Nothing ever changed. I was miserable because of it. We eventually broke up for a few reasons.. him never wanting to go anywhere was one of them. I'm much happier in that department now.. and with a man who likes to go out and do all the same things I like to do.


It does make a person miserable, and to make it worse he gets mad and starts arguments when I go out and do the things I want to do without him. It's like I am not going to stop doing everything I enjoy because you don't ever want to do anything. The bad part is that when I am out doing them without him I think about how much I would love him to be with me. Ahh...annoying.

There are many more annoyances as well so it all just adds up to extreme frustration. What also makes me really mad is that he is a mama's boy and she does not drive, so he carts her everywhere she needs to go, whenever she wants to go. It's like really...? I mean I would be cool with it, if he did the same for me. Recently his mom got a new job that is about 45 minutes from the city they live and he even takes her to work when her rideshare ride falls through. This happens quite a bit. Probably at least once a week. He will hop out of bed at 530AM to do that...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When men don't have to work for a woman, when she delivers herself to him like a pizza, they lose interest in her. They aren't necessarily aware of it but it happens so often. I don't mean work as in high maintenance women either. I mean work in terms of initiating get togethers, planning dates, calling her etc.

Men like to pursue a woman...they like the chase...it's biological.

You may as well cover your naked body with pizza topping and lie on his bed.

He should be driving to you most of the time because you work and he doesn't. He has plenty of time.

He's a moocher, a bum and a user. Dump him.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

You just provided the answer or at least the reason for your dissatisfaction. He's a mama's boy. He helped you get rid of your husband to make him your number one but you will never be able to get rid of his mother. You will always be number two unless his mother wants you replaced with someone else.

Good luck,

Seasalt


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

seasalt said:


> You just provided the answer or at least the reason for your dissatisfaction. He's a mama's boy. He helped you get rid of your husband to make him your number one but you will never be able to get rid of his mother. You will always be number two unless his mother wants you replaced with someone else.
> 
> Good luck,
> 
> Seasalt


LOL, I actually have thought about that myself too. I know that she will always be numero uno. One time we stopped talking for a week because he said his baby going to have to mamas, me and Ms. *&()*(Last name). I was like whoooa. Plus I hate how he refers to her as ms. ahhhh


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How old are you? Do you like your job? 

Has he stopped looking for work?

EleGirl's advice is sound. Don't call him. Don't go over. But if you weaken and go, after having sex tuck this little boy into bed, give a good night kiss and leave. Let him cuddle himself like an orphan monkey in a laboratory. Make the sex really good, leaving wet spots on both sides of bed.

Since you are soulmates who can talk for hours, he will know that you are going to dump him. And dump you should. If he misses you, tell him he can come to your town for a date. Don't have sex with him. Tell him you won't sex with a man on the first date. If you want to see him again, give some passionate kisses and show him the couch.

Seriously, what is hot about this lazy arsed dude? Is he magic in bed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> How old are you? Do you like your job?
> 
> Has he stopped looking for work?
> 
> ...


I will be really honest and admit a lot of it is about the sex, may be most of it now that I am seeing things clearer and realize what he really has to offer. I used to make all these excuses about his behavior because mine was no better considering I was having an affair with him, but this blinded me to see him for who he really is. I am happy to say that I have not been to see him and the last time that I did I told him it was over. He has attempted to contact me since then and I have done good at ignoring the contact, but it is hard sometimes and I often want to jump in the car and go.

I am 31, I know this whole situation makes me sound like a teenager rather than a grown woman. I do enjoy my primary career, I cannot say the same about the second job I took to make ends meet. I hate it! 

He has no motivation for anything. He has not really even looked for a job since he was fired and it infuriates me, but since it doesn't really effect me personally I usually just like whatever about it, but the worst part is that with so little motivation and initiative and lack of job experience, in reality it is really concerning. 

The more I stopped going there and the less often I made it a priority to see him, the more relief I felt. I did not think I would feel relief from it, but I did and do. I have a lot of personal issues of my own, I have made some very poor choices, I have always been in a relationship and I am now starting to realize how unhealthy my relationships have been, not only because of the men but because of myself too.


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

The sad thing is, you left your husband partly to be with this man, and you are no better off. Sex isnt everything in the long run. This man has no character it sounds like. 

Something seems fishy about him not leaving the apartment to go out in public with you. Im wondering if there are other women.


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## OrangeCrush1 (Oct 31, 2013)

BREATHE31 said:


> The problem is that whenever I ask him to go and do things outside of the house he always says no or finds a reason not to. We have never been out ANYWHERE together. I understood then we were in the situation we were in, but now I am questioning if this is really just how he is. He never takes me to dinner, he never takes me to the movies, he never suggests anything, he never cooks for me, it is like he does not put any effort AT ALL! He wants to be with me, but doesn't do anything to make that happen.


...and yet you've been dating this man for three years. 



> I do not really want a relationship like this.


Yes you do. This is exactly the type of relationship you want. Or else you would have dumped him a very long time ago and found someone else who made you more happy.



BREATHE31 said:


> I will be really honest and admit a lot of it is about the sex


I'm not surprised. He does everything you hate, but he sexes you well, so you stay. For three years.

This guy is doing exactly what works with you. He does everything he wants, nothing you want, but makes sure to give you great sex. It works. Every day that goes by where you don't break up with him proves to him what he's doing is working. 

As other posters have told you, you need to stop seeing this guy right now. 

But you won't. Because for some bizarre reason, this is the kind of relationship you want.



nicky3791 said:


> Im wondering if there are other women.


I can 100% guarantee you there are other women. I'm so sure of it, I'd bet money on it.

But even if Breathe found out, I still don't think she'd stop seeing him.


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