# How do I help my new boyfriend recover from ex's EA?



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm 44 with a 13 y/o daughter. I recently met via match, the most wonderful guy my age, no kids. We emailed for a month, learning all about each other, went on many dates before we even kissed. It's relatively fresh for him - I've been divorced for 8 years now - while he's 7 months into a separation and we've been seeing each other for 3 months. Usually I never date someone separated but now I'm falling for him. 

However, his wife cheated several years ago, they sought counseling and put their marriage back together only for him to find evidence of her cheating again. There was a confrontation, she acknowledged it, he's done. But he's having some self doubt, wondering if he was good enough, why did she cheat, etc.

I never cheated; my ex was verbally abusive and finally diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder which explained why he was constantly critical of everything about me. I truly appreciate this new guy being real and giving, involved in community, kind, honest, open and handsome. (Kind is way sexy after an ex like mine.) But her cheating took away a lot of his confidence. How do I help him get it back? I compliment him where appropriate (sincerely!) and try to build him up for character traits as well as looks, good kisser, etc. 

Is that, plus time, really all I can do? I'm trying to understand how hurtful this was to him. I've never cheated or been cheated on and I'm sure it was gut-wrenching. But I want to help him move past it.

Any suggestions from either side of the fence? I'm patient and caring and so is he - I think we are just right for each other and am falling in love for the first time for real, I don't want to mess this up and will be as patient as necessary. I think he feels the same way and we are both a little surprised by the unexpectedness of it.

So I went to the web searching, came here, read a lot of treads lurking and figured this was a good place for the question.

Thanks to all for your candid replies in advance.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Time. Time, time, time.

Seven months in divorceland is nothing. Stay cool, give him space, let him heal.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

let him know that his ex's decision to cheat was all her decision and it nothing to do with how good or bad or mediocre of a husband he was.

Let him know that in order for someone to make that decision to cheat that they must vilify their spouse and exaggerate marital problems, rewrite marital history and completely blame shift. if they don't do that then they can't feel justified in cheating.

so simply put- the answer to his question of "why?" is because she was selfish.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

He might benefit by reading the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass as a healing exercise. Did he ever get IC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

That book is painful, I think it'd be best if you both went through it together, you because he'll need soome support getting through it, some parts are very painful for the BS to read. But its one of the best books on infidelity out there


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

No counseling after this last time that I'm aware of. He's still pretty resentful of her misleading him into thinking everything was better. They even relocated a thousand miles so this is a new relationship - with someone who is married at still living with his spouse!

Thanks for the book recommendation. I know several books helped me get through my divorce and I know I'm way ahead of where he is in terms of recovering. He's worth all the time in the world.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Wait, he's still living with his spouse?

Oh, Enjoli. Tread lightly, my dear, and guard your heart.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I think she meant the OM is still married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovetheDaisy (Oct 12, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> I think she meant the OM is still married.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And still living with his ex? 

:scratchhead:


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Enjoli -- please be careful as I see red flags here.

What proof do you have that he is spearated -- and more importantly has file for divorced.

Plus -- why is he still living with his cheating wife after 7 months ??

Something is not adding up here --- 

Take care -- and good luck !!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I think she meant the OM is still married.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, that makes more sense. Thanks, Iheart.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

LovetheDaisy said:


> And still living with his ex?
> 
> :scratchhead:


Enjoli needs to clarify, but I think what she means is her BF, while he was married, moved with his wife so she could be closer to her AP, the OM, who was still married. Not that her BF is still with his ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Enjoli needs to clarify, but I think what she means is her BF, while he was married, moved with his wife so she could be closer to her AP, the OM, who was still married. Not that her BF is still with his ex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm confused !!:scratchhead:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wat?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry for the confusion - timeline:
He caught her cheating again late Nov 2011
He confronted her early December 2011 and holidays were spent separate and he moved to guest room.
He secured other housing and moved out early February 2012 while she dated during the time he was still in the guest room.
I "met" him via match mid March (yeah a bit early but I think he was so over it he wanted to move on)
We communicated via emails for at least a month before we started dating in person. It was 10 dates before he even kissed me - we are moving very slowly.

His STBX is dating a married man. 

The moved halfway across the country after the first affair for a fresh start. Didn't seem to make a difference! New boy toy now.

Hope I cleared all of that up!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh and I've seen the separation paperwork and been to his house and know his old address... I did all of the background work before I even met him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just be there for him, be yourself.

It takes time to recover from something like that.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry - still getting the hang of acronyms here!


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

just my opinion---if you need to help him get over a relationship, he isn't ready for a new one.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> just my opinion---if you need to help him get over a relationship, he isn't ready for a new one


Word. Also, as betrayed spouse he's not healed enough. No way. One day he will find out he was "reacting". I was the rebound once, I was totally into her. I don't recommend anybody.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Update -

First, thanks to all who replied. I tried to take it all in even if I didn't like what I heard. I like how respectful all of these topics and replies seem to be on this site.

I have been patient, thoughtful, caring... just letting time do its thing. We have moved VERY slow and took 5 months before things got physical (even just kisses) and even after spending several nights together (no sex - kissing, snuggles - just nice to sleep in someone's arms) he was hesitant to have sex. 

But we have had lots of time to talk and I learned he was engaged once before in college and that first love cheated on him, too. His self-esteem has really been damaged. I'm mostly a giver/people-pleaser and see that he is, too.

So the moment was finally right and was tender and perfect and he is a wonderful attentive lover, and makes me happy in every way. I am completely in love but not sharing that with him - I know he will have to trust me fully before he can love back and that will take time to build due to those past experiences and I don't want to scare him away.

I hope it's not a rebound thing but I'm willing to take the risk of getting my heart broken because it if works out, he will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

So I think we're on the right track. I struggle with not telling him I love him - I know he's going to fear being devastated again and that might make him shut down. He has shared some legal paperwork with me so I know things are proceeding on that front. He enjoys being around me and my daughter (she's 13; he has no kids and wanted to adopt but his wife didn't) and she likes him. 

I've never really been in love (yes even tho I was married) so it's pretty overwhelming to feel this way. 

Thanks again for the feedback. Even the hard-to-hear stuff.


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