# going out of my head!



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

So we've been officially separated (my call) for not quite 2 weeks. I've been trying to process my feelings, both independently and by talking to a handful of close friends and my mom and sister. And here.
I just feel like I have so much clattering around in my head and like I'm being pulled in a million different directions.
I don't know if I'm focusing on the negative or dragging out the inevitable. Should I fly up to see him for a few days? Would something like that help me sort out my feelings and wants or would it possibly blow up in my face?
I know he's hurt, but I am too. I think everyone on here knows it's hard to go through something like this. I'm just at a total loss on how to handle this, how to go forward. I don't want to make a rash decision either way but I can't drag it out interminably.
I can't afford to see a professional, and I realize no one can tell me what the right decision is ultimately, but I just don't know how to sort all this out.
Help!


----------



## NikiVicious (Oct 2, 2008)

*When in doubt, don't do anything!* You will know what you need to know in time. Whatever caused this to happen pre-seperation has made your present. Whatever happens post-seperation will lead to other answers you are seeking. 



> I don't know if I'm focusing on the negative or dragging out the inevitable. Should I fly up to see him for a few days? Would something like that help me sort out my feelings and wants or would it possibly blow up in my face?


You may feel both negativity and dragging it out. Either way you see it, its going to be a tough road, take it from me!! 

You mentioned flying up to where he is. Does that mean you are in different states? If so, why? That distance certainly wont help with a resolution! 

I too found my self asking the very same questions. All I can guarantee is you are the best person to answer your own questions. You will have answers to them in time (maybe soon, maybe later). Wait it out. Be stong. Love yourself!!


----------



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

he went up to the city we were/are planning to move to ahead of me because he got laid off and the money is better there. plus the idea was that he would establish a work history and contacts there, which would make getting an apartment easier. It just made sense at the time.
But with such a big move on the horizon, I felt this separation was necessary. It's only been 2 weeks since I told him, and he's being really impatient with me; basically telling me I need to hurry up and figure it out. I don't feel that's fair or helpful. Am I wrong? I know he's hurt and scared, but nonetheless...


----------



## NikiVicious (Oct 2, 2008)

it might help if you explain why you two seperated. what were your reasons?


----------



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

if you have a minute, then skim through or just read the first post in my old thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/2895-totally-indecisive.html

that covers it pretty well.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

you went from not missing him while he was gone, to totally missing him. what happened?


----------



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

voivod said:


> you went from not missing him while he was gone, to totally missing him. what happened?


I think you misunderstood me. I feel like I need to see him before I make any decisions, I just don't know how to handle it/when to go. I miss companionship, sure, but I still don't really miss him. Not like I feel I should since he's been away for over a month now.
He's being really impatient and it's only been 2 weeks since I told him I wanted a separation. Basically telling me I need to figure it out and he's "over it" (meaning the separation, not the marriage). I know he's hurt and scared, and I'm essentially the cause of it. I don't know how much time he's spending though on some personal introspection. I know I've been doing quite a bit of that. I do know that when we do really sit down and talk that the things I have to say will be very difficult for him to hear. I suppose whatever I decide will depend significantly on his responses.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> I think you misunderstood me. I feel like I need to see him before I make any decisions, I just don't know how to handle it/when to go. I miss companionship, sure, but I still don't really miss him. Not like I feel I should since he's been away for over a month now.
> He's being really impatient and it's only been 2 weeks since I told him I wanted a separation. Basically telling me I need to figure it out and he's "over it" (meaning the separation, not the marriage). I know he's hurt and scared, and I'm essentially the cause of it. I don't know how much time he's spending though on some personal introspection. I know I've been doing quite a bit of that. I do know that when we do really sit down and talk that the things I have to say will be very difficult for him to hear. I suppose whatever I decide will depend significantly on his responses.



okay, cool, i'm just saying that you are emotionally attached to a point where one visit with him in his "house" is going to, possibly confuse you more. i hope things work out for him & you. and i'm just dying to know what exactly he does in "the biz."

good luck. relax.


----------



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

voivod said:


> okay, cool, i'm just saying that you are emotionally attached to a point where one visit with him in his "house" is going to, possibly confuse you more. i hope things work out for him & you. and i'm just dying to know what exactly he does in "the biz."
> 
> good luck. relax.


yes, I am emotionally attatched; and I don't want to be confused further which is why I don't want to visit too soon, but I know that I won't be able to resolve this without seeing him at all.
His goal is production. I came up with a term for it a while back, which was "Entertainment Broker"; he would find the project and then find someone to fund said project, leading to a cut for him. Sort of a finder's fee thing but with residuals, creative aspects, etc. He has a production company (I use that term loosely) with a friend of his. Of course nothing has come through, not even a little. Now when people ask me how he is (those who don't know what's going on) and what he's doing professionally, I just don't want to answer.
I'm trying to relax but it ain't easy.  
He seems to have backed off a little, which helps.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> yes, I am emotionally attatched; and I don't want to be confused further which is why I don't want to visit too soon, but I know that I won't be able to resolve this without seeing him at all.
> His goal is production. I came up with a term for it a while back, which was "Entertainment Broker"; he would find the project and then find someone to fund said project, leading to a cut for him. Sort of a finder's fee thing but with residuals, creative aspects, etc. He has a production company (I use that term loosely) with a friend of his. Of course nothing has come through, not even a little. Now when people ask me how he is (those who don't know what's going on) and what he's doing professionally, I just don't want to answer.
> I'm trying to relax but it ain't easy.
> He seems to have backed off a little, which helps.



okay, i see what you meant now when you used the words "schemes" a few posts back. essentially, his is a get rich quick plan. one pop, and weeee, you're rich. the biz is pretty savvy, it usually finds these projects and ponies up the cash for development, creative, etc.

production is grunt work. you can make a good living doing it cuz no one wants to do it. but you gotta have a lot of irons in the fire, work a lot of deals. he should focus there, work a lot, make a decent living cuz someone will pay him to do it.

and i didn't mean grunt work as demeaning. it's yeomans work. there. i feel better. 

you can drive to ny, you don't need to fly do you? i sure think a visit there would do you some good.


----------



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

i think you're right about grunt work. i don't think he's willing to do it; not because he looks down on it per se, but because he believes that sheer willpower alone will allow him to skip that step.
it's not even that so much as the past physical violence, the sneakiness when he ran up that credit card behind my back, his self-esteem issues, constant exaggeration...I just am really worried that these things have all piled up so high there's just no way around it.
Honestly, I don't know if I want to find a way at this point. I think I mentioned before how I'm not particularly attracted to him anymore. Not just in the basic, sexual sense (which I'm not), but I don't really want him to kiss me, touch me, etc (or vice versa). Which I'm sure has LOTS to do with what I mentioned above.
I guess I'm as scared to try and move forward together as I am to make a decision to move forward in life separately.
I think we both feel at this point as though we're just friends (really good friends), not husband and wife. He thinks the world of me and is very supportive in the things I want to do, but I don't know if that's enough.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> he went up to the city we were/are planning to move to ahead of me because he got laid off and the money is better there. plus the idea was that he would establish a work history and contacts there, which would make getting an apartment easier. It just made sense at the time.
> But with such a big move on the horizon, I felt this separation was necessary. It's only been 2 weeks since I told him, and he's being really impatient with me; basically telling me I need to hurry up and figure it out. I don't feel that's fair or helpful. Am I wrong? I know he's hurt and scared, but nonetheless...


nothing really sexy about hurt and scared, huh? what if he was cocky and arrogant and didn't really give a **** about if you ever came and saw him or not? that's a serious question. might he be more attractive to you?


----------



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

voivod said:


> nothing really sexy about hurt and scared, huh? what if he was cocky and arrogant and didn't really give a **** about if you ever came and saw him or not? that's a serious question. might he be more attractive to you?


I don't think that would work for me. Maybe when I was younger, but not now. I find confidence and humility sexy, not cockiness and arrogance.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what my life would be like, practically speaking, if I decided a divorce were the right step. About finances and our mutual debt, how that would all work and be handled. About when I would be able to move to the city I want, and you know what? Those challenges don't frighten me now, I know I could do it. Which in turn DOES scare me in a way because all that's left it seems is to visit him for a few days (that's all the time I'd be able to take off from work) and see how I feel when I see him and spend time with him.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> all that's left it seems is to visit him for a few days (that's all the time I'd be able to take off from work) and see how I feel when I see him and spend time with him.


so go see him. what do you have to lose? you already sound like you've developed a sense of independence.


----------



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

voivod said:


> so go see him. what do you have to lose? you already sound like you've developed a sense of independence.


i know. i just don't know how to say the things I need to say. I don't want to hurt him but of course that can't be helped; I'd just like to minimize it. I don't know where is an appropriate place to talk.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> i know. i just don't know how to say the things I need to say. I don't want to hurt him but of course that can't be helped; I'd just like to minimize it. I don't know where is an appropriate place to talk.


is what you have to say a huge shock to him?


----------



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

i don't know if all of it would really be a shock. but it will be hard to hear. i know I can't avoid hurting him, regardless of what I decide. he may know some of these things deep down, but is unable to admit them.
My concern is that this visit won't completely resolve things for me and a may need a few days or a couple weeks to process whatever happens on the trip. I don't think he'll have that kind of patience, he doesn't even have it now.
ARRRRGH!


----------



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Based on your post 'totally indisicive'- you have madethe right decision my leaving the abusing nasty man. But, just like you, I cam completely confused.
I left my husband a week ago after a month of tears, frustration, councelling and arguments.

I think just trust the instinct you had initially. Mmaybe they are drowned out by emotions right now and that is why you/ me/ so many women in the same boat on this siteare so confused.
I'm not txting, fcebooking/calling my husband at all untill I am firm i my mind one way or the other. 

I am finally over the painful, I think I am losing it phase and am now just sad and confused.

I think time is yor friend right now iand he is abusive man.

Rmember that.

Take care,


----------



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

overitnolove said:


> I think just trust the instinct you had initially. Mmaybe they are drowned out by emotions right now and that is why you/ me/ so many women in the same boat on this siteare so confused.
> I'm not txting, fcebooking/calling my husband at all untill I am firm i my mind one way or the other.
> 
> I am finally over the painful, I think I am losing it phase and am now just sad and confused.
> ...


This has been a helpful place for me, and we have at this point decided divorce is the best route. Ultimately we just don't "fit" anymore. I am sad and dissapointed, and we still care about each other but I am simply not in love anymore and we are both tired of trying to make each other fit. So far it's pretty amicable - better than I expected. We're waiting till after christmas to file papers (both working alot and I'm just too worn out at this point to deal with it till then), but have already started discussing things like debts and posessions. Thankfully, we're in agreement thus far on those subjects.
It's hard, and certainly a little scary, but I do feel loads better having arrived at a decision. Hopefully we'll be able to continue agreeably. Honestly, he's not a fundamentally bad person and I certainly don't hate him or want anything bad for him. We just both want to be happy, and for each other to be happy. And if that means the big D, then so be it.
Good luck to you as well, I know how hard not knowing what you want to do is!


----------

