# Very confused



## Mew (Oct 30, 2020)

I have a weird situation 
I have been married for more years than I can count 
Unfortunately 5 in I knew this was not meant to b
We tried couples counseling , I went on my own but ......
My husband is my friend but not my lover
We have not been together in 35 years Sexually 
I have been in a relationship outside the marriage for 24 years 
My family knows and are threatening to tell my husband 
Why now now they say their uncomfortable when we’re around
I’ve been told I need to come clean with my husband or they will
they feel I’ve used my husband
Not so I contributed to the household up to this year raised a child maintained apperences 
I don’t want to break things off with this other man I love him and am happy when we’re together 
My husband we Bailey talk. We don’t even sit to dinner very often
Wh have grown apart I love him as well but am not in love with him
I know what I’m doing is wrong but u can’t help who u fall in love with
I believe that there is more than one love in your lifetime
Back to original problem what to do about my family and their threats


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## Humbleme (Oct 31, 2020)

“I love him but am not IN live with him”.....wow, seems like you went inside my head and read my thoughts as far as my wife and I.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Honestly I wouldn’t be terrified of the ordeal. I’m willing to bet he already knows. He is just playing along with the act. Be prepared that he may tell you he is also in love with his affair partner.

Beat them to the punchline and tell him yourself.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mew said:


> We have not been together in 35 years Sexually


Please do the honorable thing you should have done 30 years ago, pack up your portion of the home belongings, move out, and support yourself. You state:



Mew said:


> 5 in I knew this was not meant to b


"not meant to b" is an EXCUSE .... marriages have to be MADE to be....they are not some pie-in-the-sky, ethereal, "divine providence".... that is Hollywood....and Mother Goose....real marriages, in real life, are a CHOICE that WE MAKE.



Mew said:


> they feel I’ve used my husband


I would agree. Your husband does not need you to "contribute to the household"... he needs someone who loves him, gives him sex, and likes being with him intimately. 

That is what YOU PROMISED him, before God and witnesses. You did not promise to "contribute to the household"....and, you cannot substitute "contribution" for "participation"....

You have not "been there" for him, certainly not in the 24 years you've committed adultery, and most likely since you made up that cockamamie "not meant to b" to excuse yourself from DOING THE WORK.



Mew said:


> u can’t help who u fall in love with


WRONG. You played the "slippery slope" and GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to "fall in love" with someone who was not your husband.

C'mon.... tell yourself the truth, for once in 35 years. Accept what you see in the mirror, then tell me if any of what you see agrees with your moral code.....



Mew said:


> I know what I’m doing is wrong


Damned right you do.... do yourself the biggest favor you could ever possibly do, and get RIGHT. Right with your God, right with your husband.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mew said:


> I have a weird situation
> I have been married for more years than I can count
> Unfortunately 5 in I knew this was not meant to b
> We tried couples counseling , I went on my own but ......
> ...


Maybe you cant help who you fall in love with you but you CAN help what you do about it. You were never free to be with this man, you are married. You have been committing adultery, lying and deceiving for over 2/3rds of your marriage, its hardly surprising that things are bad betwen you and your husband. What sort of men is this guy who would think its ok to have sex with another mans wife? I really hope that he isnt married as well, because if he is his wife should be told, and I hope someone tells her. I were a member your family I would have told him at the start, poor man. At least they are doing the right thing now, better late than never.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

i was going to write something. But this is too much to wrap my head around.
Strange choices on your part and his.

I’ll say this. You’re not his friend.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

This is a bit confusing.

So, for 35 years you two have not been sexual together?!
You are obviously sexual. So was it that your husband didn't want sex, or that you didn't want sex with him?
Has he been wanting intimacy with you during these years?

Five years in you tried counselling, but still stayed even though you felt like it wasn't meant to be?
After 11 years of no sex, you found a lover, who you love.
But why did you not leave before then, or once you fell in love with the other guy?
Like others, I assume then that the other guy is married.

You are running two very long term relationships side by side. That must take some doing. How on earth have you managed to keep this secret for so long? 
Has your husband ever suspected you of cheating?
Does he know this other guy?

I don't see that there is much that you can do about your family telling your husband the truth.
Do they know the full truth?
Are they implying that if you break it off with the other man, then they won't tell your husband? I hope not, as that would be cruel on your husband. He needs the truth, so that he can face his, and decide what he wants.

You don't want to give up your other love.
But what are your reasons for not wanting to give up your husband?
How do you think he will react to finding out that you have been living a double life?

A lot of this hinges on whether your husband ever wanted you physically and emotionally, or whether the lack of intimacy is his doing, and he just wanted the convenience of a wife. He might have purposefully turned a blind eye to your other man, as it's very hard to believe that he has never caught you over all these years.

You can't expect your family to lie and cover up for you. Like they say, it's hard for them to face him, knowing what they know now. And he must be a decent guy in their opinion, if not in yours as a wife.
You will have to start the process of coming clean to your husband.


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