# Just joined, going through it



## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Just wanted to make a quick introduction as I will prob be around for a while and figured it’d be best to first introduce myself. I’m a 33m who has been separated from my wife for a few months now. She is already with someone else so obviously wants to proceed with the divorce hints while you’ll be seeing me for a while as this is extremely hard on me.We share children and I’m a lot to blame for our separation I will own up to that. We both played our parts. I will be posting in the separation/divorce section and go into my story. I don’t have much support out here so it’s good to get it off my chest by writing and meeting others in similar situations. Thanks everyone and hope to meet some great ppl to talk with.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Sorry you are going through this. Many good 
people here. Lots of great advice, we will all
be glad to help. If you just need to vent once 
or twice we will listen also.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Someone will point out that she was with this new man prior to her moving out. That is the norm.

This norm rules TAM land, and ruins marriages, usually for 90 years, or forever.
Which one comes first to you, ah, it does not matter.

Sorry for your pre-dik-ament.

Why do you partially blame yourself? Did you also stray?


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Yes I was expecting the “she was already with this man prior to the split” and that very well may be a possibility. I can’t say for sure. I can say we had been having petty arguments that would never get resolved due to communication issues on both our parts. Those petty arguments built up and built up to where I finally just snapped one day and said I couldn’t do it anymore that I wanted a divorce. I guess I got what I asked for. She went to stay with her grandma(which she did often during arguments, she was a runner) and within a month or so she made it clear she was done this time and few weeks later had this guy. I never strayed I stayed loyal our entire relationship. I loved her she was my best friend and my entire world.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

sorry to hear. I tend to agree that this guy was in the wings even before this happened. Women often use affairs to exit a relationship.

Hoping that we can help you through this difficult time


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

NeverGoingBack said:


> Yes I was expecting the “she was already with this man prior to the split” and that very well may be a possibility. I can’t say for sure. I can say we had been having *petty arguments that would never get resolved due to communication issues *on both our parts. Those petty arguments built up and built up to where I finally just snapped one day and said I couldn’t do it anymore that I wanted a divorce. I guess I got what I asked for. She went to stay with her grandma(which she did often during arguments, she was a runner) and within a month or so she made it clear she was done this time and few weeks later had this guy. I never strayed I stayed loyal our entire relationship. I loved her she was my best friend and my entire world.


Quit taking blame for her "communacation" issues.
You need to read "The Rational Male". It will awaken you up to exactly what YOU did wrong in the marriage....It's not what you think.
You need a huge wake up call.....You are stuck in the Matrix and taking the blue pill. 
Take the red pill, wake up, man up. Start to deprogram your mindset. It killed your relationship.
You are not doing things that are ACTUALLY attractive to women.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I can't speak to the other guy or when he popped up, but I can tell you that my ex hb threw out the word divorce first as a way of bullying and shutting down a discussion he didn't want to have.

Until then it hadn't occurred to me that we wouldn't work it out.....but after that i felt like he wasn't as committed as I thought. I then started to think about how he wasn't reallly that good of a deal fir me and decided I was done.

He of course backtracked and begged, but the damage was done....I just didn't trust him.

Yoi have to be very careful when you decide to drop a divorce threat.....better make sure you mean it.

In fairness though we'd both been unhappy because we weren't compatible, so even though that divorce threat was the catalyst it certainly didn't create our issues.

So it is possible that you guys just aren't compatible.

A few weeks is pretty quick to find a new guy, but we need more info to address that. Do you know the guy or how she knows him?

Can you elaborate on your history and what your arguments tended to be about?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

aquarius1 said:


> sorry to hear. I tend to agree that this guy was in the wings even before this happened. Women often use affairs to exit a relationship.
> 
> Hoping that we can help you through this difficult time


I think there is a term “orbiter” or something like that. Like a prospect you keep around subconsciously just in case. When things go south the subconscious becomes more conscious....and then they are together.

I not saying that she was cheating before but it is quite common. It could be he slowly became “the option”.

I noticed your name ...... understand now that the person who wants the other one back (which is you) ....almost always loses as you work from a very disadvantaged position.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Upfront like most you just want them back but what would you be getting back? 

Don't take the full blame. As most have said her other man may have already been in the mix. If you want to know how long go online and check your phone bill. 

If it were me I'd just cut off any unnecessary contact (you only need text or email kids, business only) and leg her go. No phone calls and limit pickups/drop offs to 3 minutes with zero engagement. Talk will only keep you tied up in this with no benefit.

She obviously doesn't want you so keeping yourself tied down to this will only prolong your stay in limbo.

Make no mistake. Limbo is a self imposed state.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> I can't speak to the other guy or when he popped up, but I can tell you that my ex hb threw out the word divorce first as a way of bullying and shutting down a discussion he didn't want to have.
> 
> Until then it hadn't occurred to me that we wouldn't work it out.....but after that i felt like he wasn't as committed as I thought. I then started to think about how he wasn't reallly that good of a deal fir me and decided I was done.
> 
> ...


The new guy is one of her coworkers kids. I know for sure he wasn’t in the picture until we were actually separated because I saw him pop up on her Facebook and then he even tried adding me as a friend I assume because mine is private and he wanted to see if her and I were really over.

Some examples of our arguments was she started letting herself go and become lazy, sleep all the time or lay in front of the tv all the time. Stopped doing her part of the chores etc so when I would bring it up it would always be an excuse like she didn’t feel good or the house isn’t bad(even though it would be a wreck). When I tried bringing up these things in a respectful way she would respond very defensive which would cause an argument. Other arguments would just be stupid ones like us both being stressed after a long day with the kids and work and one of us saying something we didn’t mean. We both have very strong personalities and would often seem to butt heads for dominance in the relationship rather than balance it out if that makes sense?


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> Upfront like most you just want them back but what would you be getting back?
> 
> Don't take the full blame. As most have said her other man may have already been in the mix. If you want to know how long go online and check your phone bill.
> 
> ...


Yea at this point it has basically been me dropping kids off and driving off, texts about events they have and what days we are each doing etc. She will sometimes still try to ask me for help or favors but I shut them down because that’s not my responsibility anymore. I’m not going to kiss ass to get back in there. I tried my part she shut it down so that was that I won’t be making another attempt. It’s just that I miss her, having a partner, the good times we had, family time etc


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