# Broken



## Twang (Mar 22, 2013)

On March 10 I found out my husband of 27 years has been having an affair for about a year. He claims only sex. Back up a little in 2009 when he hit 47 he had a sexting thing going on with a woman 20 years younger than him when it ended he didn't know if he loved me or not this went on until July of 2011 when he said I was the one he wanted to grow old with. Then we move foreward to this time where he actually did the deed so to speak he is 50 years old. This woman is also married and is 20 years younger see a pattern? Before any of this happened i would have told you he was my soul mate and my best friend we dont fight and have a good relationship or so I thought. He says he is profoundly sorry and that he has GOD back in his life and he wants us to work and that I can take all the time I need and if I cant stay with him he wants to take care of me finacially and any other way he can . HELP I dont know what to do I do love him and I cant imagine being with anyone else but how do I ever trust him again. I am so lost and confused. Sex has always been a very important thing to him and he says this woman acted like she wanted him I do know she came to him and offered it and he was weak and dumb enough to give in. Just dont know what to do. Thanks for any advice.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

He did not have consequence for his cheating.

Take a breath.

Read the newbies link.


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## Twang (Mar 22, 2013)

Thank you for your reply.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband has acted badly. He needs to understand consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Twang (Mar 22, 2013)

Thank you also for your reply. I am just praying for guidence and the right thing to do any advice i can get on this forum is greatly appreciated. Thanks again.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm so sorry your going through this. 

I would suggest you read as much as you can and ask as many questions as you need to.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You said sex had always been important to him. Did you make it important for you?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

sounds like you rugswept the first emotional affair, only to be hit again with a physical one. this happened because there no consequences to your husband's horrid behavior. i hope you're not planning on giving him another free pass. 

if you're seriously looking to reconcile, i suggest counseling and he do the heavy lifting. he needs to demonstrate that he's all in. 

you need to be stern this time and set boundaries. TOTAL transparency is key here.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Twang said:


> I do know she came to him and offered it and he was weak and dumb enough to give in. Just dont know what to do.


Victimized by a younger woman. 

Having God back in his life is cheap talk. Stick around. Read up on the 180. Right now you are confused and you should expect him to pull out all of the stops in convincing you to "put this behind us". Translation: so I can put some more cake in front of me.


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## Twang (Mar 22, 2013)

Thanks to all for the advice. I have made it plain to him I just dont know if I have anything left in me to try and make this work he is doing all the work at this time. I have asked him to move out for awhile. Divorce is not an option for me. He has agreed to a legal seperation if I decide I want one. I was smart enough to get everything in writing as to what he will do. The ball is in his court so to speak and he has been getting counseling from our pastor. As to the first time you all were right I was too easy I will not make that mistake again. I have spent over half my life with this man and he was my best friend as well as my lover he has betrayed me in so many ways it is hard to not be bitter. With this forum and GODS help I will overcome as to my marriage only time will tell. Again thanks to everyone for the advice.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Work on ONLY YOU!!!

Do everything you can to build yourself up. DO NOT try to fix him only he can do that. if you try to fix him you will just waste time that could be spent on yourself.

Get stronger so that you can live with him or without him.

If you need to have someone that is always faithful and you can alsways trust go to God, your husband has failed.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You are doing the right thing in giving him consequences this time. When he moves out, or if he has moved out, he is now experiencing what it will be like without you. It is a lonely place to be (so long as he is not filling his time with other meaningless and damaging activities). Make sure he is transparent, what he is up to with and without you. Consequences.


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## Twang (Mar 22, 2013)

Thanks again to everyone for the advice and support. Tonight will be my first night alone well I have my animals and GOD and that is enough for now. Thanks again.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Twang said:


> On March 10 I found out my husband of 27 years has been having an affair for about a year. He claims only sex. Back up a little in 2009 when he hit 47 he had a sexting thing going on with a woman 20 years younger than him when it ended he didn't know if he loved me or not this went on until July of 2011 when he said I was the one he wanted to grow old with. Then we move foreward to this time where he actually did the deed so to speak he is 50 years old. This woman is also married and is 20 years younger see a pattern? Before any of this happened i would have told you he was my soul mate and my best friend we dont fight and have a good relationship or so I thought. He says he is profoundly sorry and that he has GOD back in his life and he wants us to work and that I can take all the time I need and if I cant stay with him he wants to take care of me finacially and any other way he can . HELP I dont know what to do I do love him and I cant imagine being with anyone else but how do I ever trust him again. I am so lost and confused. Sex has always been a very important thing to him and he says this woman acted like she wanted him I do know she came to him and offered it and he was weak and dumb enough to give in. Just dont know what to do. Thanks for any advice.


You wrote that your H was having an affair for about a year. That isn't an "oops! I was weak" sort of situation. That was a complete involvement with the OW.

How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you catch him? That can make all the difference in the world in understanding whether he is truly remorseful, or simply got caught.

Do you know who the OW is? Is she married or in a committed relationship? Can you or have you exposed her to her SO?

I too was in a long term marriage and caught my WS. Although he said he was sorry, he continued in his quest to seek OW (plural). In other words, no remorse. Just words.

Work on yourself. Get stronger and more independent and more in a position to live without him if you have to. If he shows no true remorse, just feeds you lines that are supposed to placate you, then he must deal with the consequences of being unfaithful.

Good luck to you and know that you are not alone.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I didn't really take in fully the details 1st read. On March 10th he HAS been in a year long affair. Ok....time for serious sh*t! 

How did you find out? As survivorwife says, if he told you rather than being 'caught', it is a huge difference. If he was caught, how do you know it has ended? Has it ended? 

There are things that need to be done to stop the affair, end the affair 'love' fog, and bring true remorse. All of them involve tough love. 

Who is the OW? Is she married? 

The affair needs exposing to her husband or boyfriend. He needs to know, just as you would want to know. And it brings another pair of eyes onto the ending it at her end. If she values her husband/family, she will drip your husband like a hot brick. And again expose to your/his family....for support. Bring the whole thing into the light of day. This brings it out into the open, and means that the reality is dealt with. The affair stops being a fantasy. 

Do you want to R with your husband? If so, all the consequences need to cone full force. Exposure, transparency, truth, honesty, divorce. Divorce means he sees the consequences are real....and the process can he stopped at any time. 

I guess more info from you is needed in order to give you the correct advice, but there is a pattern in dealing with the situation correctly, and you should follow it to a tee. This will get you the final result, whatever that will be, swiftly and with less pain. And don't be fooled, the pain you feel now is immense, but if you deal with this correctly you will get through it in the most positive way possible.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

I'm sorry you are going through this, you're not alone and you're in good company with lots of great advice...The hard part is listening to it..Best of luck to you.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

twang - how are you doing today?
Did you manage to sleep?


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## Twang (Mar 22, 2013)

I caught him and it is over i have access to all his email,phone etc and i got the email he sent her telling her it was over. yes she is married also and her husband just got out of jail for battery more to it I dont feel comfortable posting here this woman has a history of going after married men and she has been after my husband for about 3 years He has been getting counseling from our pastor and keeps telling me how sorry he is and he wished he could take it all back. I am sure he is sorry at least for now. I emailed the OW and told her congrats I hope it was all worth it If I tell her husband I am afraid of what he might do since he has a criminal past. I dont know if I can get passed this betrayal or not I do not believe in divorce but I am still praying for GOD to show me the right thing to do. Thanks to everyone on her for the advice and the support.


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## Twang (Mar 22, 2013)

Thanks for asking Wiawera I did sleep some I curled up to my dog I have good and bad days and today not so good it is hard to work and deal with the public when I just want to curl up in a ball. It will get better I know. Thanks for being here and for the advice you have given


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> He claims only sex.


And he thinks that somehow makes a difference?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Twang said:


> Thanks for asking Wiawera I did sleep some I curled up to my dog I have good and bad days and today not so good it is hard to work and deal with the public when I just want to curl up in a ball. It will get better I know. Thanks for being here and for the advice you have given


Glad you got some sleep.. little things like getting sleep and eating well will help at least a little to get you through this terrible time. i imagine it's horrible trying to 'act normal' for work and the likes... just get through today. One day at a time.

Do you have a RL close friend or family you can lean on?

What is your H doing? Does he get how big this is? Does he show real regret and remorse?

OW and her man sound delightful..  Are you concerned about her safety or yours and your husbands if you expose the affair? 

Also have you been STD tested? This would be a must I'd say unfortunately.


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## Twang (Mar 22, 2013)

He is very remorseful and sorry and i had everything removed a few years ago and my doctor assures me it would be difficult for me to contact s STD. I did make him a doctor appointment and told them to check him for any and every STD they knew off. I am more afraid of what the OW H will do to mine if he goes to where my H works and there is trouble mine will loose his job and if he does that he is really worthless to me. She also has children from a previous marriage and I am not sure how her H is with them I really dont want any thing bad to happen to anyone well not true really but I am trying to not be vengeful and bitter about any of this. My H keeps telling me how sorry he is and that he just wants me back in his life I am still undecided about what to do. Thanks again for all the advice.


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