# Working on yourself Thread



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I was going to post this in the LIfe after divorce section but then I thought not everyone that goes through infidelity related marriage troubles ends up divorced. We often see the term "work on yourself" as advice given to the betrayed spouse. How do you do that? Where do you start? Can you please share your experience and specific examples? Regardless of the end result(divorce/or reconcilliation) I think many of us can benefit from a thread like this.

I know that this advice is probably scattered around this forum on many threads but maybe we can bring all these ideas in one place.

Moving on is not easy, but starting that process itself is even more difficult sometimes.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> I was going to post this in the LIfe after divorce section but then I thought not everyone that goes through infidelity related marriage troubles ends up divorced. We often see the term "work on yourself" as advice given to the betrayed spouse. How do you do that? Where do you start? Can you please share your experience and specific examples? Regardless of the end result(divorce/or reconcilliation) I think many of us can benefit from a thread like this.


Sure! I'd be happy to share. 

When I was in my first marriage, I was younger, I married someone because he was cute, I chased him (he didn't chase as much back), and I was physically abused so I was "used to" abuse and had not dealt with it at all. 

In my marriage, he had several flirtations that I thought were inappropriate but couldn't "prove." He had one outright blatant affair in front of my face while I was pregnant, and I didn't leave because I was young and afraid to be on my own with 2 kids. Our relationship was based on Power Over, manipulation, control, and abuse. He was bipolar and I walked on eggshells and hated it. One day our kids were youngish elementary school age and did something deserving of a "level 2" anger response, but I SCREAMED at them "level 10 nuclear explosion" anger response, and for whatever reason I saw their faces that day. My children were afraid. I could see it in their eyes and recognized it from my own childhood--so I said, "I am NOT going to do that to my kids!" So I went to weekly therapy, and there I dealt with my own past physical abuse. During that counseling I learned some things like what my inner child was, when my inner child "came out", I gave a name to some of the voices inside of me (like my Protector, my Nurturer, etc.), I discovered I had literally NO nurturer voice inside me and had to learn what someone nurturing might say, etc. I went over what I had learned anger should be like and where that thinking was unhealthy; I was diagnosed with PTSD and we learned about how that's like reliving it over and over; I practiced ways to stay here in the present rather than going "back there".

About this time I began to be aware that my husband was verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive too. I never realized it was abuse because unlike my parents, he didn't ball up his fist and punch me or hit me with a board or belt. He did grab me, push me, hold me done, slap me and all that but I thought that was "normal."  So as I learned more about abuse, I began trying things like calling it what it was, and stating I wouldn't participate in this anymore, and walking away. I was reading lots of books like "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse website, and "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner--and learning more and more about what a healthy relationship was and was not. 

Needless to say, this made my (ex) husband VERY angry and he tried every trick to convince me to stop, to keep me from going to therapy, to keep things under his control... and I just kept trying (and very imperfectly I might add). For example, he went on business travel and there was a girl I thought he was having an A with--I confronted him and he denied it, told me I had trust issues, and basically convinced me it was all in my head. Then I got a call from a VERY FANCY hotel that we could never afford to go to saying I had left some lingerie in the room. WTF?? :scratchhead: I asked them to please mail me the item and a copy of the receipt. I also managed to get a copy of the surveillance tape in the parking lot--him and her going in at night and coming out in the morning. Now I did not catch them red-handed "in bed"--but come on! Lingerie--rented hotel room--in at night out in the morning? That is NOT in my head!!! So I was issed::FIREdevil: and I drove straight to his office and in front of everyone I *itch slapped him so hard it broke his glasses!  See what I mean? Not too successful. 

Then one day he was supposed to go to a client's installation in another state, and he disappeared. Apparently he had been continuing his A, and decided to leave his job and family and business and mortgage to live with the wistress with four kids from four different men (yeah...right...she's not after child support... she'll be true to YOU ). Anyway, I got Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" and realized I had several behaviors that helped kill the marriage (he calls 'em "bad spirits", Harley calls 'em "Love Busters", we call 'em "Love Extinguishers"--those things). So I started working on myself by being honest with myself and practicing doing something different. I actually got a notebook and wrote out the answers to each part too! Then I came to MarriageBuilders and got his books and began looking at the other side--the Emotional Needs (we call them "Love Kindlers") and realized I had stopped doing them, so I started doing them again. One thing I had a lot of trouble with was boundaries. Shoot as someone who was abused, the idea of a boundary was as foreign as China... a what?  You mean you can decide for yourself what you will and will not allow in your life? MY GOD that was revolutionary! 

So then I would say that was my journey to "clean up my side of the street." I began to realize that no matter WHAT I did, his reaction was blame and anger, so I stopped doing what I thought might prevent blame and anger, and started doing what I knew was right in my core. If I was wrong I apologized. If I wasn't I didn't take his blame, and I would just state, "Honey, that wasn't my choice and the consequences are not from me, so I'm sorry if your choices hurt you, but I'm not taking your blame-shifting. I'd suggest making a different choice. Thanks" He never really DID get that  and he persisted in trying to force and get things back to an abusive dynamic. When I wouldn't, he got even more violent and that's when the marriage ended. One night I had to call the police and yep--he blamed me for having a domestic violence record (it couldn't be his choice to be violent--no!). 

After our divorce, I worked on myself by joining a Fisher "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" support group and a support group for women who's partners were domestically violent. In that group mostly I made some lady friends, but we also helped each other think straight when things got scary. And I began to focus on learning about ME rather than learning about relationships. So I did the Myers-Briggs Personality Test (we have a link to that on our Quizzes page) and then went to Personality Pages and looked at the portrait of my personality type. I'm an INFP in case you wonder. Then I read books like "Type Talk" by Kroeger and "Please Understand Me" by Keirsey so I could learn about me. Guess what--I learned a lot. I also started to learn what would be a good match for me and what would not...like an extroverted thinker judge would make me CRAZY!!! 

So does that make sense? Lots of "work" to do there, huh?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Thank you for sharing your story AC, it would be great to hear more examples


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Mine isn't nearly as touching as AC story LOL. When I found out about his affair, I think in the back of my mind I already knew I wanted to try and fix this. But after all his emotional/verbal abuse for the past 3 years ( at that point) I knew one thing for sure. I want to be happy with or without him. He can get onboard with that, or he can leave. 

I started checking out colleges. I have a GI bill, and I always knew when the kids both got into full day school I was gonna go to college. Did it! I started to go to the gym to help with my energy and stress. Still doing it! Love it! I started asking questions about myself to my friends, and asked them to answer honestly so I knew the truth. They did, and I got to see that I truly am a great person, but I needed to remind myself of that. 

This place has been a blessing, it lets me look at areas of myself and my marriage that I never knew existed. It helped me see where I could improve and where I was wrong.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I reframed my thinking as a way to get through this. I figure that it's going to hurt emotionally whether I would stay or leave the marriage. "I didn't marry a virgin". "There are lots of people that have good marriages and one or the other spouse has been cheating for years and the other has no idea", "if it never happens again, we could have a really good marriage", "starting over is no guarantee that the next person will be faithful or doesn't have other skeletons in their emotional closet".......

I now treat my marriage like its the first 3 dates of a new relationship. I plan exciting date nights, love letters, cards, gifts, no TV and deep conversations, active interest in her day, compliments on her physical appearance, help around the house & with the kids.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there ready, 
Nice to see you alive and still kicking.......
I hope all is going well with you and your little one.
I would just suggest the normal things, exercise, a great stress reliever, spending time with family and friends, joining new groups, things that interest you. 
I volunteer at our local hospital, day surgery......it feels good to help others and they appreciate my efforts........
I have met all kinds of wonderful people......new friends.
The key to real happiness is being your true self, life your life like it is your last day every day......be yourself and don't worry about what anyone thinks.........own who you are, be proud of who you are...........and I loved the Jim Carey movie, forget the name, he decides to say "YES" to everything and just see where life led him, it was an interesting concept and it opened up many different experiences for him.............he loved some, hated some, but was a better person in the end for it and it eventually led him to a very happy, fullfilled life.........
I am practicing a little of that, saying yes more often......and it's fun............
I also an very firm on looking good all the time, get dolled up even when you are just with your son, of grocery shopping......you feel better about yourself.............
Life slowly gets back on track but it's one step in front of the other and eventually that road leads to your new life........
(hugs)


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I am trying so so hard right now. I felt like I was moving forward and doing good and then I just realized I'm completely unhappy. For the first time in my whole life I think I may actually be depressed. I want to get over myself and move forward but I don't believe in myself like normal. Usually I MAKE things happen in my life...I just don't care at this moment in time.

How the heck do I stop it?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Idontknownow said:


> I am trying so so hard right now. I felt like I was moving forward and doing good and then I just realized I'm completely unhappy. For the first time in my whole life I think I may actually be depressed. I want to get over myself and move forward but I don't believe in myself like normal. Usually I MAKE things happen in my life...I just don't care at this moment in time.
> 
> How the heck do I stop it?


This is exactly why I started this thread because there are days when you think you are making giant steps and other days where you think you are going backwards and thus feel more depressed. I too feel depressed some days sometimes even without having any interaction from my ex. I was the most upbeat, feisty(my ex always used to say he loved that about me), always get things done, indepenent person you would meet but this divorce took a huge beating on all of those things and this is why I need to find a way to move forward.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Homemaker - You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I think I have just come out of denial to be honest. I did not allow myself to indulge in any kind of sadness, not wanting to appear weak in front of the H. I am pretty much at the cross roads of acceptance for his actions but right now not really caring for the excuses. I recognize the holes in the marriage and I recognize how I contributed to digging them. 

I am having trouble sleeping and the past two days have had head aches and stomach pain. This morning I woke up and felt like there was a vice on my chest and I couldn't breath and then I cried for an hour. I am SO not a crier! 

I am calling for an appointment with my Dr. to get pushed threw our insurance for counseling for myself. We are in marriage counseling already. I have been to counseling before for other issues and know it is a strong healing tool.


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