# I don't want to get divorced but...



## emmanuel1982 (Aug 27, 2012)

Hi all,

Just to give you a little background on my situation.

My husband has one heck of a temper on him. He's a very kind person and has a beautiful heart (everyone says so) but when he's angry, it gets so bad and although he's never physically hurt me, the things he says in those moments of anger really hurt me down deep. I won't lie and say that I just stay there and keep quite. The things that he says get me so angry that I can't help but to yell at him and tell him horrible things. I've thought about going to counseling but I am really afraid that if I suggest counseling it will anger him and we'll get into another big fight.

We have known each other for almost 7 years and married for almost 6. We have no kids yet.

Throughout the years, it gets better in the way that we fight less and have learned to deal with each other better but when those really big fights happen, they get worse because the things we say to each other have to be even worse every time.

Every time we fight, I always tell him that if I'm so terrible, he should leave me. Today he mentioned that he feels I could tell him anything (really bad) because "I know he'll never leave me" but that's not true at all.

I won't say that I'm the easiest person in the world but most of our fights are because he overreacts to something and it really is getting bad.

He also always says that I make it all about me and make myself "the victim" and he always looks like "the bad guy" so that gets him even more upset. 

Sometimes I feel like if we split it would be better for me but then I think of how he would probably go insane if he lost me (he knows no one would put up with his temper) and it makes me want to works thing out.

I need help, please.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Can you give us an example of a fight you had ?
What was it about, and how did he overreact ?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

You should bring up counseling to him during a time when you're not angry or upset with each other. If you can't say it to his face, can you write him a letter?

In any event, even if he refuses to go to counseling with you, you can always go for yourself. It will help you to get more clarity and learn how to handle/take responsibility for your part in the conflicts.

I know it's over-stated but I'm going to say it anyway. When fights get too volatile, then one of you should walk away. If he doesn't do it then you do it. One thing I always say is, "Don't argue with crazy." If you need to leave the house until he calms down then do so and vice versa. 

Years ago, one of my ex's and my own problems were arguing when alcohol was involved. It lowers your inhibitions/control (duh) so fights (just verbal ones) would get out of hand. Four years ago was the last time I ever argued while drinking and also made rules for myself, with the help of my IC, on how I'd handle arguments/conflict more productively. Walking away seems so obvious (but it's hard to do when both of your tempers are flaring) but it's one of the most helpful things to do to stop the fights from escalating further in the moment. It allows you to both calm down so you can regroup when you're not as heated.

Try to recognize the things that contribute to the fights getting out of control in your own marriage. For some people, drinking is a factor, for others it might be WHEN they approach conflict. I am NOT a morning person so everyone knows not to start in with me until after I've had coffee!!! Work on and change what YOU can change and control and try to walk away if he isn't willing to in order so you can both calm down. He can't keep yelling at you if you're not there to yell at. 

Both MC and IC are also good for the pain/resentment of prior fights too. When you fight like that, other parts of your marriage also suffer because the resentment and hurt feelings erode things - especially emotional intimacy, communication and the secure feelings you have when you're together. It's not fair for you to have to ever be on eggshells (or him) and you can't be completely honest if you don't provide each other a safe environment to speak freely.

While it doesn't always work, if you set an example/model the change you wish to happen then sometimes that inspires the people around you to follow suit.


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