# Who needs to change to make it work?



## PineappleLady (Aug 18, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. We do not have kids and we pay our bills fine, however I am working 40 hours per week and litte jobs on the side to save extra cash to pay things off or just to save for a rainy day. My husband works the weekend shift on Fri, Sat, and Sun from 7a-7p and gets paid for 40 hours. However, M-T he doesn't work extra and he pretty much refuses too. However, all the extra stuff we do I have to work little odd jobs to save up the extra cash. I don't know how to get him to see it's not fair I am working 2 jobs to keep us living comfortably, while he only works 3 and then spends the rest of his time at his grandfathers working, which he doesn't get paid for. We do get part of the calf money, but after we help pay for bills we only make a few thousand bucks a year for 365 days of work. I don't know if I should just keep working and do what I can- or if I should stop too. I don't know if I am being mean, rude, etc., but anytime I bring it up he snaps my head off. And, the sad thing is I mow, weedeat, clean, do laundry, shop and work all the time with little to no help from him. If he does mow,he won't weedeat or vice versa. I don't feel like "making" him do something is a good idea, but I don't think it's fair I am doing all this! How can I make him see I can't be the provider and the wife and the gardener? How can I help him see our home is a prioirty just like his grandfathers is? I am griped, nagged, cried, wrote letters, and tried to quit doing as much. But I take pride in my home and like to have extra money so I don't stress over not having money- so it's hard to not work. What to do, what to do? :scratchhead:


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

quit overworking yourself. Nice homes and stuff are alright...but not if you are killing yourself. I agree you should have lots of help...half and half at least...but you can't force him...(UNFORTUNATELY)...so cut back on what you do. He is going to do without if you don't bust your butt doing it all. If he wants something...let him see that it isn't coming from you all the time. If he mows..you weedeat....and if you cook...he washes dishes....fair is fair. 

Sorry you are killing yourself and he isn't. It's so unfair. You can't change him...he has to change himself. But you can change you...so stop stressing over what you might not have...cause if you keep it up..you won't even have your health...stress can cause lots of physical problems and even kill you.

Start spending that extra time....doing relaxing things for you....and if anyone has a problem with what you don't have....they can deal with it. Life is short....try to enjoy it a bit....not monitarily...but physically and emotionally. No...you shouldn't have to tell him what to do...but...hey....why not do it anyway. Make him a list....and do not do any of the things on it. Then....if they don't get done...they just don't get done....you might want to start out with stuff that isn't going to turn gross. LOL.

I feel for you...I really do. Just relax.....vent on here...it'll do you good.


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## PineappleLady (Aug 18, 2009)

Thanks...I just didn't want to be some crazy wife that thinks she is doing so much, then everyone else reply and say- Deal with it- I do it too! HA! I will vent on here, sorry for you guys, but it does feel good to tell someone who won't judge you right off the bat. I did tell him I wasn't going to be able to do as much after we got the living room floors done. I can't do it all and you right, it gets me so upset and it's not worth it at the end of the day!
Thanks...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What else does he bring to the relationship? Why is the $$$ issue so important to you? I'm not making judgment, just asking questions you might want to think about. 

It is a good rule that no one sits 'til everyone sits--that is, as long as one person is doing household-related work, everyone is. It might be a good idea to make an agreement like this. Remember not to tell him how to do things, but agree on a standard for the work. 

These issues can eat away at a marriage, so while it is good to vent here, you might want to look into some counseling, with a pastor, perhaps. And do not add children to this mix; it would be a huge mistake. IF you work things out to the point where you are truly happy with the balance within the marriage, maybe then. But it will take time to work out a balance and time to see if it really gets the marriage grounded again. Best of luck.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You sound like a hard worker. However, he may not match you in that department or feels that the extra money is as important?

I agree with the other posters. Scale back on the extra work for yourself to save for a rainy day. Otherwise, you may end up resenting him in the long run. Try to have some fun with each other and build the relationship.

Don't take the marriage for granted. You need to nurse the marriage sometimes. Try to talk. Marriages are more fragile than you think. Just ask me!


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## PineappleLady (Aug 18, 2009)

Well- the $$$ thing is an issue because it got to a point about a year ago that we couldn't pay our bills. So, we knew we each had to work extra to save some money so if that happened again, we would be covered. Apparently, I thought this was a long term plan and he did not  However, he does love me, a lot. I know he does, he tells me all the time and we do enjoy each other. But it seems like everytime I turn around something happens. Like for instance last night his golf cart broke for the 3rd time and last time it broke I told him he should take it somewhere so this one silly part can get fixed by a professional and will quit breaking. The part is $50 each time- if we buy this next one we will have put $150 in his golf cart in one month on one part. And I guess it's really irritating because I told him last time to get my Dad or his, who are both electricians to help him to fix it right if he didn't want to haul it somewhere. He lied, said his Dad helped, and then yesterday the lie came out when it broke again. Then to top it off, my Mom called and was telling me a story about my sister and in the midst she brought up that they had paid my husband for doing some work on the farm the other day. Like less than a week ago- she said not knowing any of this way going on that they paid him $60. Well, our money saving plan is we each get $100 a week for gas, food, leisure etc and the extra money goes into the bank. Well...this is the 2nd time he has got extra money- hid it from me- and then blew it on whatever. So- of course I was mad, frustrated, and any other word in that category. When I asked him about it he acted like he had done nothing wrong- that it was his money. However, I am planning a wedding and got the first payment yesterday of $200 and we have to use my money for new columns out front on the porch-They got busted up in 2 big storms. I am going to have to cut back on how much I work and expect other people too- however, when stuff like that happens and for some reason he gets to blow his extra money and I am having to save mine for houshold projects- that doesn't seem quite fair. My husband is a good person, he does love me, but it takes more than love for a marriage to work- It seems like some days that's all he has to offer...some days I am so discouraged I am embarrased to tell anyone. So, please don't judge me about wanting to save $$$, I just have been there, done that, and had to scrimp and save to pay the bills and it wasn't fun!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

You have to work with one issue at a time. Instead of requiring your husband to do the lawn work....
either let it go
or hire it out.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

Just a question here, do you like living o a farm? Have you told him how you feel about him working 365 day a year.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Pineapple, I'm going to be honest and say both of you need to change.

He needs to work on honesty, and sharing home chores.

You need to relax your standards, learn to take time for yourself, and practice expressing your appreciation for the things he does do.

You both need to look at your finances and see where sacrifices can be made to allow you both to work the schedules you want.

But that is probably not the answer you were coming here to get.


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## PineappleLady (Aug 18, 2009)

Very true about the yard work. I think I will have someone come give me a quote on my yard. Also, I love living on a farm- I have my own life. However, work does not go unappreciated on my family farm. If you work- you get paid. That's not the case with his though- he works non stop for nothing, but that whole situation is very complicated and I have had to drop that and not let it worry me. However, I guess we could hire out the cleaning, yard work etc if he was working extra to pay for it, but if I get that done to appease me, I will be the one working somewhere else for the extra money. I agree we both need to change and I have told him that. The other day I was talking with him about this and I plainly said- you don't have to change, because I am going to change it myself. I don't think my standards are too high. Expecting him to help with chores is not a standard, that's a common expectation. Him providing a good living is not a standard it's an expectation as well. We said vows for a reason, we even wrote our own, however...I am not blaming him for everything, but I do try and talk to him about it and he just gets upset. The scary thing is- until his grandfather decides to quit farming, I have a feeling I will be dealing with his a long time. I have asked him to not go on the weekends and have asked him to talk to his grandfather about not farming anymore sincehis grandfather doesn't and can't help at all. I guess that's hurtful too- since his grandfather can't do anything, my husband does everything- and I am all for helping people out. But his grandfather has 5 kids and none of them offer to help...like I said- it's just one thing after another and none of them seem to have a good solution. I think I am going to ask him to go to church on Wednesday nights since he works on Sundays...however- again, I have to cater to him because he won't go anywhere else other than to his parents and grandfathers church. It's not even my denomination, but I stomach it if he will go with me. I just want to go home, cry, and go to sleep and not wake up...maybe that would help- some rest!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My first impression in reading your post is that your husband is lazy and you are overworked.

then as i read more and you revealed more information it became clear to me that the both of you are overworked. The difference is that your "free" labor is strictly about the two of you and where you live. His "free" labor is about honoring his grandfather's wish to keep farming even as he is unable to physically.

Toss in your belief that your husband can't fix a darn thing and must be stashing money that you could use. And all the while you too are stashing money.

I think you ought to step back and reassess your irritation with him.

I also think that his grandfather should be apprised of the fact that you two are barely meeting your bills and that his "free" labor for grandfather is creating friction and economic hardship for the two of you.

His grandfather may just have to provide more than a calf to auction as wages or go find a hired hand.

And as for you? I'm thinking praise for your efforts by your H is pretty lacking as is the same for his efforts from you.

BTW, what's the golf cart for? Getting around the farm? Or recreation? If for the farm, fix it! Recreation? Wait on it.


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## PineappleLady (Aug 18, 2009)

Michzz:
Thanks for your post. I really like it and agree. Actually, you pinpointed the "free labor" issue to a tee. We actually sat down last night and just talked about a bunch of these things and the issues we have. It was a really nice talk, no one got mad, no one yelled or pointed fingers we just talked about our feelings and why some of the things that were going on- Why they were going on. 
Thanks everyone for you help. We have made some commitments to each other and have decided to pray nightly with each other and start a couples bible study each week- but at home with each other where we can talk about it and share our true feelings.
Thanks again. This was really helpful!


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