# contacting Affair Partner



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Hi, I am a relatively new poster. I'm just discovering there's some evidence of at least an EA and maybe a PA going on between my wife and an ex bf she reunited with on FB. I Just wanted to hear some thoughts, perspective or experiences about contacting the spouse's AP to expose the affair. 

For the OM, I don't believe he is married. Does saying anything directly to this guy really matter? Did any of you betrayed spouses get any satisfaction or questions answered by contacting the AP?

Any comments appreciated. So begins the journey.
Helolover


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Depends on the guy. 

If you look like Jay Cutler, and ask this guy "Hey, you been talking with my wife inappropriatly," I imagine the guy will [email protected] his pants and never call her again. 
I kinda want to see that now...

But since most of the world isn't a body builder, I imagine he'll simply tell your wife, and she'll take it underground. 

You are not in a good position. 
Because you bring it up too soon, she'll take it underground, and that means the sex will be hotter, she'll be in a larger hormonal limbo, and you'll have trouble finding evidence. 
Bring it up to late, and she'll will so far in the fog, she won't realize where she is going until the OM bails, and she hits the divorce. 

Or she may stay in that fog and snap out of it after her (what would be future) bf cheats on her then leaves.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

You will find a mix here on the subject, I personally did not speak to the AP. I exposed what I found on FB to my wife. And it went from there. 

I initially discovered my wife's affair on FB also, it had already gone PA upon discovery though.

Have you checked phone records? bet there are a lot of texts too.

If you are 100% certain, and you have evidence, then confront your wife ASAP, Don't wait. You already know she's deceiving you and possibly more. An EA is still an affair, make no mistake!

Also, you sound unusually calm for someone who just discovered their spouse is having an affair, worrying about contacting the AP? personally, I wanted to confront my wife first and yell, scream, hit things etc.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Usually you will get the same "just friends" bull sh*t from the AP that you get from your wife.

What do you want from this? If the affair has gone PA, do you want her back?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Broken is right.

Unless you're prepared to get physical with the guy (and go to jail) confronting him won't do it. 

And Betrayed is right.

If you have solid proof, confront and be prepared to lose the marriage in order to save it. 

If you don't have 100% proof get it. 

With good evidence in hand you can confront but if you make a threat, divorce, you must be prepared to follow through . If she calls your bluff you'll just appear weak.

Gather evidence. Look around here for the methods.


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## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

I texted the OM a few months after, he tried to deny it but after I told him some of the things she confessed to he was very apologetic. Mainly I was just trying to confirm some of the things she had told me and he was able to do that. Didn't make it very much better after all he knew she was married and went ahead anyhow so how fu*king sorry can you be.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I tried to contact the OW by email and by phone and she never responded to any attempts. I dont know if I would have felt better about talking to her or not but Im sure she would have just denied anything and just pissed me off more.

I did run into her at my husbands softball game, where she shouldnt have been but was hanging out in the background trying to be unnoticed. We had just seperated a couple of days before and she wanted to "see him play" (his words). I had helped him put the softball team together and many of the people on the teams were MY friends also. She probably **** her pants when I showed up. I walked up to her, stood beside her and told her she had some nerve showing up here. She told me she didnt expect me to be there. I told her she should be careful because I might be anywhere. Then I asked her why she thinks she can believe everything my husband tells her because obviously he is lying to both of us. She said "I dont have to listen to this" and started to walk away. At that point something took me over and I popped her in the face. She grabbed my hair and it was on. Took a couple of people to pull us apart, because I refused to quit reaching around the guy and punch her....all while my sweet husband was on the softball field watching because he was on base..HA! She quickly left, he left the game not far behind her and everyone on the team surrounded me with support. 

That felt good but now that I think back on it I wish I would have hit her harder!


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Just proves that a man who pursues a married woman is a POS



I texted the OM a few months after, he tried to deny it but after I told him some of the things she confessed to he was very apologetic. Mainly I was just trying to confirm some of the things she had told me and he was able to do that. Didn't make it very much better after all he knew she was married and went ahead anyhow so how fu*king sorry can you be.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My wife's ex-bf from 30+ years ago contacted her last year. Nothing was going on between them last year, though back when we first got married 30 years ago she was still "carrying a torch" for him. Had the internet or cell phones existed back then it would have been a full on EA I'm sure. But he got his hooks in her last year with one message. It was an obvious fishing expedition on his part with a little flirtiness to it.

She never escalated beyond that message (that I have ever discovered), but she strongly resisted deleting and blocking him from her FB. She is still pissed about it!

Helolover, if you have any good suspicions of a PA then my opinion is to gather more evidence. Go full bore on the electronic intel gathering. This should take only a few days to get confirmation of an affair if it is happening. Then you can confront with solid evidence.

It is odd to me, but people in an affair will deny that you know of their affair even when you present them with a smoking gun. And they will continue the affair. To blow up their affair you have to show them overwhelming evidence. If I were to have done something not so terrible which my wife didn't know about (put a ding in her car for example), and she even hinted that she knew of "something", I would be an emotional wreck and I'd be admitting every transgression. But the cheater? Nope, they will deny it until you flood them with proof.

If you suspect an EA only, I would nuke it fast before it can get any worse. Gather as much data as you can in a day. Texting history, FB messages, cell phone call history, etc. Then tell her what she is doing is an EA, and you will not tolerate this behavior in your marriage.

You have to be ready to back that one up with actions, including talking to a lawyer and filing for divorce. With luck she is shocked out of the EA by your initial confrontation. This is a tricky thing because you need enough to shock her but you don't want to waste any time where she could get deeper into the EA.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I talked to the MOW on the phone twice and via email once (she called me instead of writing an email). I was calm and spoke without emotion. All she could say was it was stupid and she was sorry. When asked for more information, she only asked what he told me. So I got basicly I got nowhere with her. Her sorry did not even sound sincere. Oh, she did say that her husband knew. Yep he knew, but not about the videos, pics and her extensive plans. I busted her. But he continues to put up with 6+ yrs of cheating with multiple guys.

My favorite line on the first call:

Me "Is this J------"
her "Yes"
Me "Nice video of you fingering your P****"
her - complete silence


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Mate, you are far behind. Prepare to kindle the fire of your wrath, always keep your composure of course. Here is a little tip, all WS follow a script and most BS follow a bad script. Here is a little script from f102:





> Originally Posted by F-102
> It may have gone something like this:
> 
> They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"
> ...


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> I tried to contact the OW by email and by phone and she never responded to any attempts. I dont know if I would have felt better about talking to her or not but Im sure she would have just denied anything and just pissed me off more.
> 
> I did run into her at my husbands softball game, where she shouldnt have been but was hanging out in the background trying to be unnoticed. We had just seperated a couple of days before and she wanted to "see him play" (his words). I had helped him put the softball team together and many of the people on the teams were MY friends also. She probably **** her pants when I showed up. I walked up to her, stood beside her and told her she had some nerve showing up here. She told me she didnt expect me to be there. I told her she should be careful because I might be anywhere. Then I asked her why she thinks she can believe everything my husband tells her because obviously he is lying to both of us. She said "I dont have to listen to this" and started to walk away. At that point something took me over and I popped her in the face. She grabbed my hair and it was on. Took a couple of people to pull us apart, because I refused to quit reaching around the guy and punch her....all while my sweet husband was on the softball field watching because he was on base..HA! She quickly left, he left the game not far behind her and everyone on the team surrounded me with support.
> 
> That felt good but now that I think back on it I wish I would have hit her harder!


You are my hero. One of the things that I am very regretful about is that I did not whip her ass. I still think about it everyday.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I tried to contact the OW by email and by phone and she never responded to any attempts. I dont know if I would have felt better about talking to her or not but Im sure she would have just denied anything and just pissed me off more.
> 
> I did run into her at my husbands softball game, where she shouldnt have been but was hanging out in the background trying to be unnoticed. We had just seperated a couple of days before and she wanted to "see him play" (his words). I had helped him put the softball team together and many of the people on the teams were MY friends also. She probably **** her pants when I showed up. I walked up to her, stood beside her and told her she had some nerve showing up here. She told me she didnt expect me to be there. I told her she should be careful because I might be anywhere. Then I asked her why she thinks she can believe everything my husband tells her because obviously he is lying to both of us. She said "I dont have to listen to this" and started to walk away. At that point something took me over and I popped her in the face. She grabbed my hair and it was on. Took a couple of people to pull us apart, because I refused to quit reaching around the guy and punch her....all while my sweet husband was on the softball field watching because he was on base..HA! She quickly left, he left the game not far behind her and everyone on the team surrounded me with support.
> 
> That felt good but now that I think back on it I wish I would have hit her harder!


I am glad you popped her. I wanted to pop the OW, too. 

Still, it's not a good idea, if you live in the U.S.

The OW could have filed charges of assault against you and YOU would have ended up in jail. 

It is not a crime in the U.S. to have an affair. 

Assaulting anyone, even an OW, is a crime.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> My favorite line on the first call:
> 
> Me "Is this J------"
> her "Yes"
> ...


Send the restricted certified to ensure he has to sign for it. 

The OW wouldn't talk to me initially. Later he got curious and called me. 

When, I showed the videos the Ow sent my STBEH, to the OW's husband he was on the warpath.


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## girl12345 (Oct 1, 2012)

Thor said:


> It is odd to me, but people in an affair will deny that you know of their affair even when you present them with a smoking gun. And they will continue the affair. To blow up their affair you have to show them overwhelming evidence. If I were to have done something not so terrible which my wife didn't know about (put a ding in her car for example), and she even hinted that she knew of "something", I would be an emotional wreck and I'd be admitting every transgression. But the cheater? Nope, they will deny it until you flood them with proof.
> 
> .


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I had so much evidence and it was just deny, deny, deny....until I called to find out what time the son's of his cousin's bday party was at that he'd allegedly gone to vegas with....then i had all that i needed....and popped him with the last bit of evidence, on his birthday lol. Even then he still tried making excuses until i started yelling which is totally unlike me. And he finally admitted to it.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Send the restricted certified to ensure he has to sign for it.
> 
> The OW wouldn't talk to me initially. Later he got curious and called me.
> 
> When, I showed the videos the Ow sent my STBEH, to the OW's husband he was on the warpath.


I had hoped with my evil heart that the MOW's BS would blow up. But it was not to be. He was calm and collected. He even identified the ring on her hand in the video. LOL. Although he did ask me to destroy the pics and videos. I haven't and won't until I am ready. I don't look at them anymore, but like having the upperhand.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I tried to contact the OW by email and by phone and she never responded to any attempts. I dont know if I would have felt better about talking to her or not but Im sure she would have just denied anything and just pissed me off more.
> 
> I did run into her at my husbands softball game, where she shouldnt have been but was hanging out in the background trying to be unnoticed. We had just seperated a couple of days before and she wanted to "see him play" (his words). I had helped him put the softball team together and many of the people on the teams were MY friends also. She probably **** her pants when I showed up. I walked up to her, stood beside her and told her she had some nerve showing up here. She told me she didnt expect me to be there. I told her she should be careful because I might be anywhere. Then I asked her why she thinks she can believe everything my husband tells her because obviously he is lying to both of us. She said "I dont have to listen to this" and started to walk away. At that point something took me over and I popped her in the face. She grabbed my hair and it was on. Took a couple of people to pull us apart, because I refused to quit reaching around the guy and punch her....all while my sweet husband was on the softball field watching because he was on base..HA! She quickly left, he left the game not far behind her and everyone on the team surrounded me with support.
> 
> That felt good but now that I think back on it I wish I would have hit her harder!


I would have loved to get my hands on the MOW. I would have beat the crap out of her, not just for me but for my kids, her kids and her husband.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I had hoped with my evil heart that the MOW's BS would blow up. But it was not to be. He was calm and collected. He even identified the ring on her hand in the video. LOL. Although he did ask me to destroy the pics and videos. I haven't and won't until I am ready. I don't look at them anymore, but like having the upperhand.


Definitely don't destroy them. 

The fact that he was calm and collected with you means nothing other than he may be good at acting calm and cool when blindsided.

He was likely upset, if he was human.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Definitely don't destroy them.
> 
> The fact that he was calm and collected with you means nothing other than he may be good at acting calm and cool when blindsided.
> 
> He was likely upset, if he was human.


Naw....I think he has just accepted what their relationship is. She is a serial cheater. He blames her background. He even told me how sorry he was that she had the affair with my husband. His sorry was more sincere then hers. So sad.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

thanks everyone for the replies. you ask good questions, and I didn't give a lot of info to start, but that's me I suppose. 

for those interested in a bit of background, please read on. I am a military member currently stationed away from my family. we did this on purpose so the kids could keep their infrastructure, activities, schools, etc. Especially since I'll be returning to that location in a few years. It's only a 3.5 hour drive. I return every weekend. Trying to keep things as normal as possible with the kids. Ages 15, 13, 9.

In doing this family structure, my wife has started to go her own way. So, to answer a lot of the questions asked: I am pretty calm. It's been a trickle discovery that is finally coming to a head now. So, I've really had all summer to lose my mind. It's coming back together now, but I think its aged me. I was uber pissed in May, but now since I am finding out more, and see there was more to it then I thought, I am just disgusted more with the ongoing revelations and discoveries more than anything. I just want to tell the dude she's all his. If he only knew the real her, he would run, but I don't think he's very sharp. 

@Cleanjerksnatch: Yep. You're probably right. 

@TDSC60: Good question: I don't want her back after an AP. I know a lot of people reconcile, and that's good for them, but I just don't want to be her sloppy seconds. Her crawling back to me after he's done. I don't want to be a cuckold. 

So, I continue to gather evidence for the confrontation. It's text messages. I don't want to bust into her email or FB or do anything construed to be illegal. I have a very decent career and I don't want it marred by this. 

I just feel bad for my kids. I don't understand why husbands and wives run around on each other. 

Anyways, thanks for listening. Not sure what contacting OM would do for me, other than to hear why he pursued her.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

At this point it will not do anything for you to contact the OM. You are not alone in wanting the marriage to end. Majority of men cannot continue in a relationship where there has been an affair. Do not beat yourself up over it. The kids are at an age where they should be able to handle the truth. I would be surprised if the oldest did not already know something was amiss.


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## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Just proves that a man who pursues a married woman is a POS
> 
> 
> 
> I texted the OM a few months after, he tried to deny it but after I told him some of the things she confessed to he was very apologetic. Mainly I was just trying to confirm some of the things she had told me and he was able to do that. Didn't make it very much better after all he knew she was married and went ahead anyhow so how fu*king sorry can you be.


While I agree with you 100% what does that say about your spouse, after all they weren't forced to take their clothes off, that of course is something that is a struggle sometimes daily. Also what is a woman who pursues a married man (it does happen not all men do the chasing)


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

helolover said:


> So, I continue to gather evidence for the confrontation. It's text messages. I don't want to bust into her email or FB or do anything construed to be illegal. I have a very decent career and I don't want it marred by this.


I don't blame you. There are legal ways to have seen such messages, like if she left the account logged in and walked away. Dang, I was nearly busted on this forum doing that! Anyhow, messages will have all kinds of header info and tags embedded (other people here might be experts on that, I am not), so if you were to forward an electronic copy to your own email there would be some kind of trail if that file were subpoenaed by her attorney. A copy-paste of the text would not include those headers etc, I believe. A photo or screen shot would also be clean of those trails. I don't know what the legality is of you picking up her cell phone she leaves sitting on the table and then forwarding messages to yourself. So don't hack her email or tap her phone until you know what the legalities are where you live.

But if she happens to leave something visible on the computer in your own home, you are legal to see it.


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

helolover said:


> thanks everyone for the replies. you ask good questions, and I didn't give a lot of info to start, but that's me I suppose.
> 
> for those interested in a bit of background, please read on. I am a military member currently stationed away from my family. we did this on purpose so the kids could keep their infrastructure, activities, schools, etc. Especially since I'll be returning to that location in a few years. It's only a 3.5 hour drive. I return every weekend. Trying to keep things as normal as possible with the kids. Ages 15, 13, 9.
> 
> ...


If you do not want to forgive her, just leave her. More power to you.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

helolover said:


> Does saying anything directly to this guy really matter? Did any of you betrayed spouses get any satisfaction or questions answered by contacting the AP?


Can anything of substance come from the exchange? Can you hurt him somehow (without it coming back on you)? Are you "supposed" to know who he is? Do you think he could provide you with any additional information? Will it screw up your 180?

In my case, I wasn't supposed to know who he was. the only way I could've was via hacking, snooping or obsessive online stalking. I don't want to admit to any of those behaviors. In the case of the first 2, I want my xWF to believe that betrayal was written all over her face. In the case of the latter, I lose the public air of indifference if show that I did research on the guy.

I can't hurt him in anyway. He's divorced and, I think, his children are already being raised by another man. I think he sees himself as a late-blooming PUA so he likely has no ability to feel shame. It's not like he would get fired or in trouble and there is almost no chance of meaningful professional contact between the two of us.

I also don't care about anything he could possibly say about my xWF. I'm approaching a point where he could tell me that they had unprotected anal group sex that involved rhesus monkeys (of either sex) on a quarterly basis since 2009 and I wouldn't be any more diappointment than I already am... and yes, I've been tested. Negative across the board.

So with that, I can't think why I would ever need to contact him. Granted, I would be overcome with joy if I ever learned that he was dying of testicle cancer, but that's between him and the man upstairs.


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

helolover said:


> Hi, I am a relatively new poster. I'm just discovering there's some evidence of at least an EA and maybe a PA going on between my wife and an ex bf she reunited with on FB. I Just wanted to hear some thoughts, perspective or experiences about contacting the spouse's AP to expose the affair.
> 
> For the OM, I don't believe he is married. Does saying anything directly to this guy really matter? Did any of you betrayed spouses get any satisfaction or questions answered by contacting the AP?
> 
> ...


Dude, I told my stbxw other man to get lost and to never speak to my wife again. Several months later I physically caught them together. Saying anything to him does nothing. It is she who needs to end it - because all he is thinking about is getting some. The guy never gave up even though he was scared that I would kick hiss a$$. All it is for him is a conquest - it doesnt matter what you say - he will persue. I suppose you could get the 'rare' guy who didnt know she was married and leaves her alone forever.. but the guy my wife cheated with knew she was married and chased her and chased her and chased her like a dog in heat. After catching them together I still have never said anything to him - and now they are 'together'. More power to them.. what lovely memories they will have - such a lovely story to tell friends and family about how they met..


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jamie323 said:


> Dude, I told my stbxw other man to get lost and to never speak to my wife again. Several months later I physically caught them together. Saying anything to him does nothing. It is she who needs to end it - because all he is thinking about is getting some. The guy never gave up even though he was scared that I would kick hiss a$$. All it is for him is a conquest - it doesnt matter what you say - he will persue. I suppose you could get the 'rare' guy who didnt know she was married and leaves her alone forever.. but the guy my wife cheated with knew she was married and chased her and chased her and chased her like a dog in heat. After catching them together I still have never said anything to him - and now they are 'together'. More power to them.. what lovely memories they will have - such a lovely story to tell friends and family about how they met..


That ought to go well at thanksgiving


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I am glad you popped her. I wanted to pop the OW, too.
> 
> Still, it's not a good idea, if you live in the U.S.
> 
> ...


I understand what you mean and was a little concerned about it BUT, like I said...something came over me and I snapped. After it was all said and done I was reminded by the wife of the man that broke us up that she saw her touch me first!  Also one of my husbands teammates was a police officer who counseled me! My husband was having an affair with a woman who, had she pressed charges on me, could have possibly upset my husband who had not severed ties with me. I dont think it would have been in her best interest at the time. My husband is at home now.


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## Heavy Heart (Oct 4, 2012)

Has anyone written a letter to the AP? I feel myself thinking about here ALL the time, and think that maybe it might be cathartic? Make no mistake, I hold my husband 90% responsible for the whole affair, but I am told that she relentlessly pursued him, so I feel that she should have to listen to the full extend of her behavior's aftermath. Advise?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Heavy Heart said:


> Has anyone written a letter to the AP? I feel myself thinking about here ALL the time, and think that maybe it might be cathartic? Make no mistake, I hold my husband 90% responsible for the whole affair, but I am told that she relentlessly pursued him, so I feel that she should have to listen to the full extend of her behavior's aftermath. Advise?


Is her character such that she will become shamed and remorseful? Put her in a mood to apologize to you and your family? 

Or is her character more like she'll have a good laugh and be inclined to post it on her fb page with the title of "*Got this from a Flipped out stalker! - what do you think?*"

Oh, I think both you and I know which of the two she's likely to do. 

Why don't you write the letter and put it away for a while. Then at some later time after reconciliation is in full force show it to your husband and you can both burn it in the fireplace.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If you do not want her back- don't contact AP especially if you want more evidence as they will make it harder for you to keep tabs.

WD


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

FB hell. I took my wife's FB and still go hers from time to time to monitor the OM. He banned me from his FB but I can still look at the OM's and the OMW's account. She asked me a few times to have it back and the last time I told her if you ever ask me to have a FB account again I will walk. Of course she can go underground. Of course she can open up another FB account, if she does and I find out. I am done.

It is so easy with FB to go back to the "good old days" when problems arise in a marriage. It is just so much easier to cheat today with the internet. When folks have boundary issues to begin with the internet is a fantacy come true. 

Your wife has a serious problem.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I can't control what she does. I'm not in charge of her. I can make ultimatums all day, but people do what they want - sometimes regardless of the consequences. I don't want to be in charge of my spouse. I want her to be a responsible adult who takes responsibility for her actions and cares enough not to get involved with some chucklehead. Conversely, I expect the same treatment of me. I just didn't see this coming. I feel bad for my kids, but we will pull through. I am reading an excellent book. It's a book by Robert Emery called "The Truth about Children and Divorce." Excellent read for those of us that have kids and are either contemplating or going through divorce. I highly suggest it. 

FB is a fantasy. It's kind of like dating.....people put their best faces on and best foot forward. My wife's chucklehead has no clue what he's getting himself into. I think he just wants to get laid. Dumb a$$.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can't control others but you can control what you will tolorate!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop sharing your wife!
*Make a copy of the proof you have.
*Research OM and get as much dirt on him and know who is family is. Im talking mom,dad, siblings.
* Confront other man and tell him what ever you were told you will make this marriage work and if it doesn;t then you have nothing more to loose but make his life miserable by contacting[specific names}
*OM will contact your wife so he will do the confrontation for you. your wife will be pissed and then it will be her choice to leave or stay married to you.

You can't nice your way out of this crap so don't try. The more pissed off your WW is the better.........it means you are make the affair inconvienent and uncomforable.

Again it will always be her choice to stay married to you or not and leave the marital home.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sucks man but I tried the nice guy thing and my old lady continued, but once she got the perception of me letting her go and smiling ,wishing her the best, she started to think twice in what she was about to lose.

Again I had no control over my wife, just the confidence in letting her and being a better father and working on my self to find the next chick. My old lady didn't like the new me...not at all. But she stopped screwing around and is doing the heavy lifting to stay around.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

@ the guy: You're right. I can control what I tolerate. That is why I am here. I'm getting some perspective. Thanks for the insight and your experiences.


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## lulah (Oct 6, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> That felt good but now that I think back on it I wish I would have hit her harder!


You are my hero! I have visualized this very thing over and over again...and I am by no means a violent person! Oh, what our partners do to us with their infidelity.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> Does saying anything directly to this guy really matter? Did any of you betrayed spouses get any satisfaction or questions answered by contacting the AP?
> 
> Any comments appreciated. So begins the journey.
> Helolover


I contacted STBXW's OM as soon as I found out about the EA….you guessed it…fakebook. He lied and denied anything other then friendship. I warned him to stay away from her and to never contact her again. He ended up using everything I said to him against me to her...twisted things around...total ****! 

Over a year later I found out about the continued contact with OM... It never stopped. I wrote him long message asking him if he had any idea the damage he was doing to my family and again told him to never contact STBXW again. I heard nothing back from him...he was a coward.

Then 4 months later I found out the EA was actually a PA from OM's wife and had been going on the entire 1 ½ years. I wrote him a email that was about 2500 words berating him for being a total POS and everything else I could think of. I told him if he ever contacted my STBXW again I would send copies of all the messages between him and STBXW, which I got from his wife, to all of his relatives and friends. I even told him that I better not run into him anywhere or someone might find his corpse in a dumpster…I know…stupid. His narcissistic response was along the lines of "How dare you". He was not the least bit apologetic in any way. In fact he was taking verbal swings at me. It was obvious that my STBXW had been telling him BS about me and our marriage to relieve her guilt about cheating and he felt justified for the EA/PA.

My advice is to think twice about contact with OM. I got no satisfaction from my contact. Remember, if you decide to contact him, he can hurt you more then you can hurt him. He could start spewing details that you don't want to hear. Someone capable of cheating with another mans wife is seriously flawed and does not care about you. 

I would just file for D and walk away. That is what I should have done in the beginning…I would have much better off.


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## Splunky (Oct 12, 2012)

Was in a flase reconcilation with my stbxw and after a heated arguement I texted the OM and told him that they deserved each other and he can have her and everything else. I never threatened in anyway, I was just sarcastic about them deserving each other. I just let my emotions come over me and now I regret it. His only response was that he would call the police if I contacted him again. I choose since the start not to contact him and then I failed and did it anyway. I knew no good would come of it so why did I bother? I just lost it. I would suggest not contacting the other person. It wont make you feel better. In fact, I feel worse. 

I just want time to go by until I don't care anymore about any of this. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life and depression and anger causes poor choices.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

Heavy Heart said:


> Has anyone written a letter to the AP? I feel myself thinking about here ALL the time, and think that maybe it might be cathartic? Make no mistake, I hold my husband 90% responsible for the whole affair, but I am told that she relentlessly pursued him, so I feel that she should have to listen to the full extend of her behavior's aftermath. Advise?


I sent the ow a facebook message. I kept it short, slightly sarcastic, and simple. I advised her to stop calling and texting my husband. While it made me feel better to send it to her, it did absolutely nothing. She continues to text and call him. It may have a cathartic effect for you, but in all likelihood, will do nothing to stop the affair. Sorry that you are going through this too.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I had his cell and called him the morning of dday. He actually picked up the phone. He actually tried to apologize. He is a bit smaller than me and as The Bishop points out all OPs are wusses and cowards. I threatened him and I think he knew I wasn't kidding. He lives half way across the country but I know his address. I told him I was calling his wife (rookie mistake) and he begged me not to. I did enjoy that. I then called her and told her. She was suspicious and had considered contacting me. She was so glad I called (ALWAYS EXPOSE). I then called his parents and his HR office. Hell I would have called his dog and minister if I could have. 

I found out from a mutual frown a couple months later he was terrified of me. Like the Bishop (admitted OM) said - OM get scared at this because they do not know what you are capable of. He should have been scared too. Lucky for him I live so far away. Pretty sure I would have risked jail time to go a few rounds with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Splunky said:


> Was in a flase reconcilation with my stbxw and after a heated arguement I texted the OM and told him that they deserved each other and he can have her and everything else. I never threatened in anyway, I was just sarcastic about them deserving each other. I just let my emotions come over me and now I regret it. His only response was that he would call the police if I contacted him again. I choose since the start not to contact him and then I failed and did it anyway. I knew no good would come of it so why did I bother? I just lost it. I would suggest not contacting the other person. It wont make you feel better. In fact, I feel worse.
> 
> I just want time to go by until I don't care anymore about any of this. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life and depression and anger causes poor choices.




*Hey, that happens and it does suck. It's funny how they always say time is a healer, but boy does it crawl........ 

I've always felt that the AP will never show any respect for the BS so contacting them in any fashion will not proved peace or answers. If they had a moral compass, they wouldn't have participated in infidelity. Also it's like showing your hand. I think they are curious and jealous of BS and when you show up in anger or other states of emotions they know they've gotten under your skin. 

We've all heard how it's our _spouses_ that decided to go down that slope and if it wasn't this AP it would have been another. It does feel good to think you could get some sort of satisfaction from confronting the AP but never does. 


The one thing that a Affair needs like fire needs oxygen is a "third"......it's crucial for the infidelity to survive on and playing your part actually keeps it fed. I like to say "go dark" which is also the 180....the less you reveal the less information they have to chew on, discuss and use against you. 



You could always play out a confrontation fantasy in your head and see if it helps, but keep it there.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

helolover said:


> thanks everyone for the replies. you ask good questions, and I didn't give a lot of info to start, but that's me I suppose.
> 
> for those interested in a bit of background, please read on. I am a military member currently stationed away from my family. we did this on purpose so the kids could keep their infrastructure, activities, schools, etc. Especially since I'll be returning to that location in a few years. It's only a 3.5 hour drive. I return every weekend. Trying to keep things as normal as possible with the kids. Ages 15, 13, 9.
> 
> ...


Hi HL if that is your decision then I would start separating finances and contacting a lawyer. No need to finance her affair I would also setup a separate checking acct in your name and have your paychecks sent there. Along with removing your name from any credit cards that are hers. The joint cards I would go ahead and either cancel or put a hold on. The 180 is designed to help you work on your self start exercising and or working out this is the number one stress reliever and the side side benefit is that it will help your self esteem. I would also contact old friends and start hanging around them, take care of your self and your kids 

Good Luck


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

helolover said:


> I can't control what she does. I'm not in charge of her. I can make ultimatums all day, but people do what they want - sometimes regardless of the consequences. I don't want to be in charge of my spouse. I want her to be a responsible adult who takes responsibility for her actions and cares enough not to get involved with some chucklehead. Conversely, I expect the same treatment of me. I just didn't see this coming. I feel bad for my kids, but we will pull through. I am reading an excellent book. It's a book by Robert Emery called "The Truth about Children and Divorce." Excellent read for those of us that have kids and are either contemplating or going through divorce. I highly suggest it.
> 
> FB is a fantasy. It's kind of like dating.....people put their best faces on and best foot forward. My wife's chucklehead has no clue what he's getting himself into. I think he just wants to get laid. Dumb a$$.


Yes the majority of guys just want an easy lay and thus married women tend to be more vernable than single gals who have been in the game and know the score, whats wild is that as soon as alot of married gals start going thru divorce they hook em.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

helolover said:


> I can't control what she does. I'm not in charge of her. I can make ultimatums all day, but people do what they want - sometimes regardless of the consequences. I don't want to be in charge of my spouse. I want her to be a responsible adult who takes responsibility for her actions and cares enough not to get involved with some chucklehead. Conversely, I expect the same treatment of me. I just didn't see this coming. I feel bad for my kids, but we will pull through. I am reading an excellent book. It's a book by Robert Emery called "The Truth about Children and Divorce." Excellent read for those of us that have kids and are either contemplating or going through divorce. I highly suggest it.
> 
> FB is a fantasy. It's kind of like dating.....people put their best faces on and best foot forward. My wife's chucklehead has no clue what he's getting himself into. I think he just wants to get laid. Dumb a$$.


You are dead right about FB being a fantasy. Emotional affairs generally are, and virtual emotional affairs are right up there with bubbles in terms of what they're filled with...hot air.

But that said, you do have a big strike against you, which is the Ex. Ex's have something that strangers don't--they are proven entities. What I mean by that is that at one time, they definitely were mutually attracted. They both know this without a doubt.

This means that they skip ahead of the "getting to know you" phase straight to the fun stuff. It isn't uncommon for FB ex relationships to heat up to 100 degrees in just a matter of days.

Obviously that doesn't take anything away from the fact that it's an escapist fantasy. It is highly addictive behavior. Feeling down? Send a message to the OM. Eagerly anticipate his 'sweet' response. The zenith of the fun can literally be SEEING that there's a new message from them...not even the message itself. In fact, as the message is read there is a small letdown which triggers a strong impulse to answer, even if no answer is requested or required. The message sent, now there's that cycle again of waiting eagerly for a response.

It's all very childish, we can all agree on that. You, however, may be underestimating the degree to which your wife will just walk away from this powerfully fun and addictive compulsion. You want to 'wake her up' from her dreamworld. Sadly, the #1 wakeup call seems to be, nearly losing everything that means the most to her. I wish there was an easier way.


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