# Kids and dealing with the STBX



## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Hi all,

I am looking for some advice, opinions and to just vent...

My STBXW and I have been living separately for 4 months now. We still havent finalised the financial settlement so technically we still have joint marital assets etc.

My main problem is around the ex and her not understanding that we are not friends anymore. She cant seem to differentiate between the relationship I have and want with my children and the relationship I dont want with her...

For example, I spent today with my kids. We had fun, went out you know - good stuff. I take them to her place (formerly our home) to drop them off and...

She has been drinking (surprise surprise). I tell her about what the kids did etc. Even show her some pics on my phone. She scrolls to a pic of something else and asks where I took it. I reply 'that's none of your business'.

She then proceeds to tell me to 'get out' and 'kids, daddy is leaving now'. This upsets the kids and they cry a bit. I kiss them goodbye and leave.

I then text her telling her:
"I am happy to discuss what the children have been doing but you gave up the right to know what I do in my personal life."

She then replies with many messages...
"you are not welcome in this house"... blah blah
"I thought we could get on for these children, however you have proved that it is not possible. I try to talk to you etc."

I haven't bothered replying further, as much as I want to I know it is a waste of time.

So what are others thoughts. The personal crap? I dont care what she does, whether she gets some crappy jacket on sale etc. I also feel that she has no right to know what I am up to when I don't have the kids with me.

I care what the kids are up to and that is the only reason I still talk to her at all... if we didn't have kids together I would never talk to her again. She seems to have a sense of entitlement, like I should still care about her and her life the way it was when we were together.

So what do you do with your ex? Are you "friends"? The friends thing can never work as far as I am concerned. I am too angry, I can barely look at her...

How do you handle the change over between mummy and daddy's place?

Any other tips for making the change over smooth... I dont want my kids being upset, they don't deserve it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How much custody do you have?

Your ex is a real pain. Just stop talking with her when she goes off.

Is the postman still in the picture? 

Are you running or cycling or whatever you do to stay in shape?

Rebuild your social life and you'll find more confidence to deal with her crazy. She's crazy, right?


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> How do you handle the change over between mummy and daddy's place?
> 
> Any other tips for making the change over smooth... I dont want my kids being upset, they don't deserve it.


I keep it civil, but not friendly.
Relay essential information regarding the kids.
No small talk.
Hug my kids and tell them I love them.
Goodbye.
Walk away.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I agree with beyondrepair. My ex will text me to let me know he is here, I send the kids out with their stuff, he texts me when he is back and I meet the kids in the driveway. I don't share photos or chat with him, there is nothing really to talk about. What he does with them is just that, and what I do with them is just that. I will ask the kids if they had fun and they will tell me what they did. Good enough for me.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> How much custody do you have?
> 
> Your ex is a real pain. Just stop talking with her when she goes off.
> 
> ...


I see them two nights a week and one day on the weekends. Thats about all I can manage with work at the moment. Although once we have a 'parenting plan' I am hoping I can get them overnight more often.

Yeah generally I shut up when she starts up... usually I wouldn't have bothered with the text and just ignored her until I next get to see the kids.

Dont know about the post man, I dont ask. The kids have started talking about some other guy... really, I dont want to know what the town bicycle does anymore.

Yeah staying in shape. Lifting, jogging, walking - whatever I can.

Crazy? I suspect she is, especially after a drink or two or ten.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

beyondrepair said:


> I keep it civil, but not friendly.
> Relay essential information regarding the kids.
> No small talk.
> Hug my kids and tell them I love them.
> ...


See, to me, this sounds 'normal'.

I don't want the small talk, I just want to know about the kids and tell her about the kids... nothing more. That's all our 'relationship' is now, about the kids.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

When my X gets crazy and tries to reel me in with hate mail or texts, I sometimes don't reply at all. If I do reply, it's very business like and I don't respond to any emotional barbs, guilt, or jabs. It's hard to not say anything, but she is a very disordered person and there is no reasoning with her. I'm civil and not friendly. 

I took control of the communications situation with her by only selectively responding. When I do, I use Bill Eddy's BIFF principle. It has worked wonders. The BIFF method is ESSENTIAL if you are dealing with a spouse or X with personality disorders or traits of them.

Brief
Informative
Friendly (if possible)
Firm.

More info:
http://www.billeddy.com/articles/hostile_email.htm


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She told you get out of the house ?

Enough civility with her. You need not even share the kids stories or pictures


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DumbDude said:


> See, to me, this sounds 'normal'.
> 
> I don't want the small talk, I just want to know about the kids and tell her about the kids... nothing more. That's all our 'relationship' is now, about the kids.


If this sounds "normal" to you, then why did you get into the discussion with her. Follow this plan. If you need to communicate with her, limit it to text messages. 

My STBXW (3 years separated) and I are amicable. We never talk on the phone, sometimes wel'll chat during kid exchanges. I also go over there for birthdays, Christmas, etc. But if she gave me any inkling of the kind of behavior your STBX did, she'd see the Cold War big time. She would also see more significant implications on things like financial crackdowns, following agreements to the letter, etc. Right now, things are all loosy-goosy because it amicable. 

Good luck! It's a hard path to tread, for sure!

Oh, and my STBXW sure doesn't get to see my phone... There's pics of my SO that would make her hair even curlier! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

helolover said:


> Brief
> Informative
> Friendly (if possible)
> Firm.
> ...


Thanks for the info, just what I need.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> She told you get out of the house ?
> 
> Enough civility with her. You need not even share the kids stories or pictures


Yeah. Usually I would tell her that it's not her house to tell me to get out of, but I don't want the conflict in front of the kids. Especially when she has been drinking.

Agreed wrt sharing. I will just tell her the basics, no pics, nothing.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

PBear said:


> Oh, and my STBXW sure doesn't get to see my phone... There's pics of my SO that would make her hair even curlier!
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


haha, I couldn't imagine how that would go down with my stbxw.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DumbDude said:


> For example, I spent today with my kids. We had fun, went out you know - good stuff. I take them to her place (formerly our home) to drop them off and...
> 
> She has been drinking (surprise surprise). I tell her about what the kids did etc. Even show her some pics on my phone. She scrolls to a pic of something else and asks where I took it. I reply 'that's none of your business'.
> 
> She then proceeds to tell me to 'get out' and 'kids, daddy is leaving now'. This upsets the kids and they cry a bit. I kiss them goodbye and leave.


You are part of the problem here. You are not doing very well in keeping things separate either.
Don’t show her pictures of things that you and your children do. It obviously leads her to want to start snooping into other things. Just drop you kids off. Tell her hello and good bye and leave.



DumbDude said:


> I then text her telling her:
> "I am happy to discuss what the children have been doing but you gave up the right to know what I do in my personal life."
> 
> She then replies with many messages...
> ...


Don’t reply.
Do not go into the house she lives in any more. Pickup and drop the kids off at the door. 

Many divorced people put it in their divorce papers that the spouse who is picking up or dropping off does not come to the house. Instead to children walk from the house to the car or visa versa.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Why show her pics and tell her what you did? 

Try this....

You: Here's the kids. (about face and walk off)


If there wasn't any blood or bone shown then she doesn't need to know what you, a capable parent, did with your children during your time with your children.

If you planned on taking them to another country, parachuting, or things you would normally discuss prior while still married, then maybe. Otherwise you arm and create your own problems.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When my first marriage ended, my STBX tried the black mail type of thing with me. She wanted money for her lawyer and I refused. The end result was denying me access to my daughter and called the cops when I went to pick her up. 

End result, I went to court and got my visitation but after that incident I knew that my ex would stoop to new lows just to make it tough on me, so I kept her at arms length at all times. I talked to her about the kid and that was it. No small talk or any conversation even when she was in a good mood because I knew she could turn in a heartbeat. 

When I picked the kid up, I waited outside and when I brought her back, I went to the door, waited for my daughter to go in her house and left. 

Once there was a parade that went through town and I was talking to the lady who lived next door to me and my ex saw it and started on me about already having a girlfriend even though my ex didn't see the ladies husband standing there and when she brought it up, I told her that it wasn't any f her business and the only thing I wanted to discuss with her was our daughter. It made my life a lot easier. Do the same.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Thanks for the replies.

I agree... I did enable this. Yesterday I told her that I would be picking them up at the door and dropping them off at the door. No more going inside and saying goodbye etc.

Just to give you a taste of how f'ed up she is;

Her: "Poor kids being dumped at the door. You aren't thinking about them are you?"

Uhuh and you were when you were f'ing the mail man?

It really does my head in... she tries talking about 'us'. Umm there is no 'us'. You have at least 1 x boyfriend (possibly/probably more) at the moment and you think I am going to come back and be your cuckold... again... I think not.

The more I write about this the more I realise that I need to have nothing to do with her... at least as much as is possible with two kids...


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

6301 said:


> Once there was a parade that went through town and I was talking to the lady who lived next door to me and my ex saw it and started on me about already having a girlfriend even though my ex didn't see the ladies husband standing there and when she brought it up, I told her that it wasn't any f her business and the only thing I wanted to discuss with her was our daughter. It made my life a lot easier. Do the same.


I can relate to this... my cheating witch, when we were in our fake R, was always worried that I was going to find someone or cheat on her.


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