# Wife Unhappy After Moving Area



## colink (Jan 22, 2014)

I have run out of ideas, energy and hope about how to deal with my wife and make progress in our marriage. We have been married 20 years and have six children (all our own). I am a teacher and have risen up the career path to being now a Deputy Head, in a job and a school I really enjoy. To do this, we have moved area three times, from South London to Bristol to North London and we’re now just outside Reading. My wife has moved with me, and encouraged me to move, but this latest move she has resented hugely and has not settled at all. We moved in 2011, even though I got the job in 2008, commuting daily by car (about a three hour journey each day in all). However, the commute was killing me (almost literally on occasion) and I was unable to help in the house as much as I would have liked (something she hugely resented). The move to Reading was precipitated by the fact that we decided to have number six. I’d wanted to stop having children after four but my wife was obsessed with having more due to the fact that our first was a girl but the next three (and then four) were all boys. She was desperate for another girl. I resisted for more than two years but ultimately agreed to have another, effectively saying that we would have to move to a (much) bigger house and closer to my work to contemplate it (although this was not flagged up as non-negotiable, which probably it should have been). Anyway, we moved and the house we live in is much more practically suitable and I’m only seven minutes from work. However, my wife hates the area and now almost daily rails against everything to do with it, saying that she misses London and that she wants us to move again, to a big city or somewhere near the sea. This is wholly impractical for all of us, especially as my eldest is now 14 and doing GCSEs. I have applied for another job near Manchester but didn’t get it and, frankly, the move to Reading has been so stressful, I can’t face going through all of it again. I have encouraged her to get a part-time job, get more help in the house, join a committee, even look on Mumsnet but absolutely nothing is worth it. To be fair to her, she has invited people for coffee but it doesn’t go any further than that and I realise it’s hard. But nothing is getting any better: we row quite a bit and the kids know she’s unhappy. We’re in a fortunate position that money for us is not a problem as I inherited quite a bit of money and so we have quite a fortunate existence without financial pressures.

What should I do because I’m fed up with the erosion of our marriage. She has always been someone to think the grass is greener elsewhere and, when we were in London, she often used to moan about the house there and the people we knew. I think so much of this is connected with the fact that she no longer has another pregnancy to look forward to and her father is now ill and so they don’t visit as once they did (they live in Lincolnshire). But it still comes back to the fact that I’ve ‘ruined everyone’s lives’ because of my ‘ego’ in wanting to move jobs. I’m therefore now working hard at work and home, have no time for myself, but am constantly made to feel guilty about how everything has turned out. We have both been in counselling separately but it would be difficult to organise it together because of childcare (and, she says, what would be the point?). Any comments on our situation would be most gratefully received!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I do not think there are any easy answers here. 

I assume you are not rowing in front of your children - that will only store up problems for the future. They do not need to be burdened with your problems.

I assume also that in reality you are likely to want to stay where you are for a long period of time, as the children will need stability in their schooling, as public exams become a regular feature of their and your lives. We had ten years without a break once our eldest started - and we only had three! As a teacher you will be very familiar with all this

I think your wife, like most women, probably feels a need to have a network of female friends, so anything you can do to help her to establish that woulld probably help.

We only have your side of the story but your wife does sound as though she is the sort to look for things to be unhappy about. How much have you tried to 'work' on your marriage? Books I found helpful are His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages. They may help you to see how to make her feel more loved.

But part of the answer may be simply that you have to stick things out until she feels more established.

Good luck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, it doesn't seem like your wife would be happy no matter where you move to. So why bother uprooting everyone again?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... I think the idea of marriage counseling together is a good one. As far as "the point"... To get a healthy discussion going on the issues in your marriage in a neutral environment. Or just "to work on the marriage relationship"...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

> But it still comes back to the fact that I’ve ‘ruined everyone’s lives’ because of my ‘ego’ in wanting to move jobs. I’m therefore now working hard at work and home, have no time for myself, but am constantly made to feel guilty about how everything has turned out


Nobody should have to live this way but lets face it.. you have 6 children and an unhappy wife. You will NEVER have time for yourself. I can't help to say it but "you made your own bed." So in all honesty, I don't feel bad for you. 

However, she should not be giving you hell over this. You are the one working and paying the bills. You are the one who was driving 3 hours a day for work. She doesn't understand that because she doesn't work and I wonder if she has ever known what it is like to work at a job? 

She resented you from being away for longer hours due to the drive and she resents you for moving closer to the job. Sadly, she will always resent you. Being on contact with nothing but kids all day for years on end gives her nothing to do but take out her frustration on you. 

She wants the perfect setting and if she doesn't get it, she whines. Sounds like you have a 7th kid to me. 

MC is your best option.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I am pretty miserable where we live now (no temps above freezing as far as the forecasters predict). What helps me cheer up is a nice trip to a warm climate for a week alone with H- no kids.  Oh and looking at real estate while we are there and dreaming of when the nest is empty and we can be snowbirds...:smthumbup:

I agree with others who said she needs female friends. My friends are mainly people I met through churchy activities. Does she have any interest in that?


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## colink (Jan 22, 2014)

Thank you to everyone for your replies. One of the replies that has since been removed focused on whether my wife told me or implied she didn't want to move and is therefore angry that she wasn't listened to. We were going to move in 2008 (when I first got the job) but didn't due to the fact that we couldn't sell our house due to the market stalling. Hence the commute. We looked round our first house in Reading in October 2010 and so she had a full ten months to reflect on the idea of moving. Of course, by this time she was excited about the pregnancy and put it out of her mind. She didn't look at houses online or make any effort to investigate where we would be living. I was concerned about this inertia but I suppose went along with it because I didn't want the idea of us moving to be seriously challenged. She first stated her clear opposition to us moving about two months after we had done so! She then stated that we should never have sold our house in London, which she claimed she had argued against, because we could move back again (of course, the children had left their schools by then). And so, since then, the argument has been based around what should have happened three years ago and basically why it's all my fault. She's a great one for arguing in hindsight - does anyone know someone like that?!?

In short, the advice I have received is as follows:
1. We should stay where we are.
2. Get her to say what she would like to happen now.
3. Go to marriage counselling.
4. She will only be happy when she develops friendships of her own, preferably through specfic activities or a job.

Any others?


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## colink (Jan 22, 2014)

Sorry, just to continue on point 2 above. If I ask her what she would like to happen now, she will say something like 'I want to sell the house and move to somewhere like Liverpoool or Manchester or somewhere by the sea'. Not exactly a 'real world' scenario!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

colink said:


> T
> In short, the advice I have received is as follows:
> 1. We should stay where we are.
> 2. Get her to say what she would like to happen now.
> ...


Read the books I suggested, if you are not already familiar with them.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

1. couple time without kids
2. couple dreams for future- 5 year plan, 10 year plan. For us we are initiating annual travel to visit potential retirement spots. In 6 years when the last child graduates HS, the snowbird life begins...


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

damned if you do, damned if you don't.

My wife "has lost respect" with me because I didn't take a job offer about 1000 miles from our home now. 

She has found a job and feels I failed the marriage by not taking that job. She says it is unforgivable and its been miserable for a year.



Bob


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