# Husband had EA, how can I help him get over his feelings for this OW?



## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

My H had an EA with OW for about month, he is back home now and says he loves me and the kids and wants to be with us but it is hard for him to get over OW...is there anything I can do to help him get over OW and any good questions to ask to make sure he is in it for OUR marriage and not just the kids, because I feel the kids would be better off in 2 happy homes than 1 miserable one and if he is in it for the kids and not us then it is only a matter of time before we walk this road again. PLease help...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

have you done exposures yet?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> My H had an EA with OW for about month, he is back home now and says he loves me and the kids and wants to be with us but it is hard for him to get over OW...is there anything I can do to help him get over OW and any good questions to ask to make sure he is in it for OUR marriage and not just the kids, because I feel the kids would be better off in 2 happy homes than 1 miserable one and if he is in it for the kids and not us then it is only a matter of time before we walk this road again. PLease help...


You can do three things. The first is the verify that the affair is over, and not just gone underground. This means you check his cell phone, cell phone records, Facebook, email, and maybe put keyloggers and/or a voice-activated recorder in his car. If he's still in contact with the OW, then your marriage can't heal.

Second, you should work on your relationship. Either through counseling, or books, you should identify why your husband chose to stray and try to change yourself and your marriage to make it stronger and less vulnerable to future temptations.

Third, you should set boundaries. You need to lay out exactly what you expect your husband to do, and exactly what you're willing to do. If you will divorce him if he contacts the OW, then he should know that. Knowing your spouse will be watching, and that straying will cost you tens of thousands of dollars, mean seeing your kids on alternate weekends, and publicly brand you a lying cheater can be a powerful deterrent to spouses thinking of cheating.

As for knowing what is in your husband's heart, you really can't. One of the risks you take in reconciliation is that your husband may be just biding his time until a more opportune time to leave you. Maybe he's planning a sneakier affair so that he doesn't get caught. Maybe he's waiting until the kids are older and they won't be as hurt by his leaving. You can never be sure. So, you just have to try to verify that his actions match his words. Does he talk like a man who is remorseful and committed to his marriage? Does he act like a man who is remorseful and committed to his marriage? If so, he may be genuine. If not, then you need to be careful.

Good luck.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

Well, when the affair was exposed, not by me but one of their co-workers, the OW mate committed suicide..its all such a sad story..he claims he loves me and I have checked his phone and other things and no contact, he swore it was over with her but when he looks sad and I ask him whats wrong, he says its just gonna take time to get over her...this EA was suppose to only have been happening for a month but I guess I will never really know the truth of it all...and moving forward is the only option besides moving out and moving on.....


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

If he's not over his other woman then he is not mentally ready to be with you. You do not need to help him...he needs to leave until he is over her...trust me I had an EA. He should not be with you if his heart is still acching for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

I know but its so hard...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You know breaking an emotional bond with someone is hard, even if the relationship was illicit right? I'm sorry to say that the fact that the relationship was based on lies and fantasy makes it no easier to tell someone you are emotionally attached to goodbye. 

What you can do to help him is hold him accountable. Enforce no contact and when he struggles help him remember what the OW almost cost him, if you can do this without beating him with the affair it would be more productive. Support him but don't let him off the hook because he's hurting. He needs to pay these prices, he earned them. Clearly express to him what you are willing to accept in the marriage and what the consequences are if he crosses those boundaries. Then if he does stick to by those consequences (so be sure you mean them when you lay them out). 

He's going through something similar to drug withdrawal. Treat him like a recovering addict. Oh and FWIW I also had an EA.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Great advice Sigma
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Great advice Sigma, Calvin does always remind me what kind of guy the OM was like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> My H had an EA with OW for about month, he is back home now and says he loves me and the kids and wants to be with us but it is hard for him to get over OW...is there anything I can do to help him get over OW and any good questions to ask to make sure he is in it for OUR marriage and not just the kids, because I feel the kids would be better off in 2 happy homes than 1 miserable one and if he is in it for the kids and not us then it is only a matter of time before we walk this road again. PLease help...


It can take four to six weeks of NC for a person to go through withdrawal. Anti-depressants can help.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

thank you all, I am trying hard hopefully things will get better soon


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You asked if there were any good questions you could ask him. I would tell you that by and large, especially immediately after D Day that listening to much of what he says is pointless. Cheaters lie. Either maliciously or because their so fvcked up they can't find the truth with either hand. So I would tell you not to worry about asking him questions. 

Listen to his actions. Does he act remorseful? Is he taking ownership of what he did? Is he standing up willing to be held accountable? Is he willingly paying the prices and doing what YOU need to recover? 

If his actions indicate remorse, the fog will slowly lift and you can begin to put more stock in what he says to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

#1: he must end ALL contact with the OM, completely & forever


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Expose it to everyone. It will be the quickest way for him to come out of the fog. Expose expose expose.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I am going through the same thing. Wanting to believe he was with me and our girls for the right reason, and all along he was still in contact with her - he went through 3 pay as you go phones, throwing one away to fix us, then going back to her, then throwing away.....created new email accounts and new FB account. There are ways they can keep the affair going and you not able to track - I could not find anything after the last "goodbye" email to her (Jan 4rd)...2 weeks later my WS contacted her and started it back up again via text and email...went on for almost 6 weeks and he came clean. We are at day 9 after his last confession. I think a cheating hubby is stuck between what he/she knows is right and what his/her hormones tell him/her. I agree on the withdrawals....it is bad. You cannot belive a word they say. Mine was saying all the right things, buying me flowers and gifts...now he is doing the same thing, which makes it difficult to believe, even though he now says he has the lights on and can see clearly all that he has done. This time he even begged me to give him another chance...that did not happen before. I wish you well and hope that your WS gets his head out of his butt faster than mine...but don't trust him, and watch his actions and pay no mind to his words. If he gets mad at you for bringing it up or telling you that he can deal with it if you don't talk about it - DONT BELIEVE HIM...in my current experience, not talking about it means that it is still going on - and I have received a lot or words of wisdom from this board...most has been dead on. Stay strong and be happy with who you are. Don't be jealous of OW - what kind of a person would have an affair with a married person with children...not a very good one.


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## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> #1: he must end ALL contact with the OM, completely & forever


This ^^

What he's feeling is the withdrawals from his addiction, dopamine is a very strong drug and it won't start to fade until contact is completely broken off.

Unfortunately, there's nothing that you can do without being co-dependent and sabotaging the work that is his alone to do.

Edit: Just be vigilant and take care of yourself and your family.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

So hard, I am hanging on...I had to change my phone number because I was being harassed byonly God knows who, I think it was OW but can't say for sure...keep me in your prayers and am I strong that things are moving forward....


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Good Luck. Most everyone here wants to help and the majority have been through what you are going through. When you need help, guidance, an opinion, or just somewhere to vent post here. 

Remember, regardless of what happens today the sun will rise tomorrow.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

Its hard to be the strong one when you are the one falling apart and need someone to hold you......


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## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> Its hard to be the strong one when you are the one falling apart and need someone to hold you......


Believe me, I get it. It's soul sucking when the person who has done this is/was your best friend.

I leaned heavily on my friends and they stepped up and helped me through this horrible time... Yours will too.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

No..all of our friends were mutual friends, you know my friends were his friends wives and my friends husbands were his friends kinda thing no one wants to know whats going on they all say work it out.....right now I am leaning on God and this forum to help me stay sane...especially as my heart is breaking into millions of pieces...


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## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> No..all of our friends were mutual friends, you know my friends were his friends wives and my friends husbands were his friends kinda thing no one wants to know whats going on they all say work it out.....right now I am leaning on God and this forum to help me stay sane...especially as my heart is breaking into millions of pieces...


Of course they want you to work it out, they're mutual friends, but that doesn't necessarily mean they aren't sympathetic to the trauma you're experiencing.

One of my greatest supporters throughout my ordeal has been the Dad of my daughter's boyfriend. The wife and I have been very close to the family for years... We've often warned the daughter, "if you guys breakup, we're keeping the family!" He has become one of my closest friends, he was the one that smacked me upside the head when low esteem and self doubt clouded my judgement and what I knew in my gut was right, thus confronting my wife. During this time, he and his wife, who are true friends of our marriage, have said that they're saddened, confused, and disappointed by my wife's behavior, but they still and will always love her.

Gonna ask you what may be a hard question, would your friends be truly that unsupportive or is your embarrassment and shame preventing you from reaching out? Bottom line, you can't do this alone... you need a support network on earth too!


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

Maybe you are right maybe I am afraid of the embarassment and shame, if we work this out then everyone is gonna know and look at us differently...pride sucks.....he did admit to me last night that he wasn't IN love with OW but just the way she made him feel, maybe this is finally a step in the right direction and maybe today we won't take another 3 more steps backward back into hell.


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