# Husband informed me he won't be speaking to me



## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

I think I've run into problems in my marriage because I set the tone very early on that I wasn't a person who commanded respect. Help me figure out the following scenario: Last night my husband was cussing within possible earshot of the kids. He knows how much that bothers me. I've told him countless times how much it bothers me. I asked him nicely but directly last night if he could not cuss if he's not sure where the kids are. He sat down. Told me to come over by him. He told me that for that he will not be having dinner with us and he will also not be speaking to me for the rest of the night. So basically he's telling me he is going to withdraw from me as punishment for me being assertive and stating my wishes. Now the reason I think he does this is because it's worked for him in the past. He's never really had to take me seriously. I can not stand the silent treatment. Well, used to not be able to stand it. It has always been a very effective tool for him to use whenever and for whatever he chooses. He had all the power. This was like my achiles heal and I had no leverage. I don't know why I was like this. I think I had very low self-esteem and abandonment issues and he capitalized on it. 

After he informed me that he would be withdrawing himself and psychologically abandoning me, I said okay, turned and walked away very casually. I didn't get upset. I didn't act out in any way. I just let him do what he wanted and went on with my night. We didn't talk at all last night and are still have not spoken today. All because I had the nerve to be assertive. Not sure if this is relevant but he has an undiagnosed pain condition. He feels sick a lot, gets headaches but there is no known medical cause for it and no medication that can help him. He's been to countless doctors. It's really mysterious. Nobody has any idea what's going on with him. He is miserable a lot. So I suppose he would say that I'm not being understanding enough and should cut him some slack and he can't be perfect all the time when he's feeling so low. I think I would have much more sympathy and be much more understanding had his personality changed for the worse once he started feeling sick but his disrespectful behavior goes way back. I don't see much difference between how he was then and how he is now. He treats me better today because I somewhat got a backbone and he's learned that I'm not the pushover I once was. 

Any advice on if I handled the situation well? What kind of man tells his wife that he won't be speaking to her and not eating dinner as a family as a form of punishment? I think that's indicative of some deep underlying problems.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Just a few questions of clarity

So are you saying that he didn't know the kids were there? Or he was doing it deliberately in front of them? Was it an accident?

You say you spoke to him directly. Does that mean you did that infront of the kids or did you take him aside to speak with him? Has he given you the silent treatment before?you say that he knows this bothers you so was it punishment or that he was offended and needed to shut down for a bit?

How often does this happen to you and had he always been like this?


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

I get migraines, but I don't use them as an excuse to treat people like crap.

Your husband is immature. Plain and simple.


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

He said it by the stairs and the kids were upstairs somewhere possibly within earshot. I asked him from another room not to do that after it happened but said it quiet enough for only him to hear. The kids being upstairs at the time. He feels like if he's in a bad enough mood or I make him angry and we're arguing then whatever I want doesn't matter. That's not the kind of environment I want for my kids. He knows it makes me upset whenever he does it. I feel like he does a lot of testing behavior. He can be an angry person. Gets offended easily. 

The silent treatment stuff purpose was punishment I believe. But to come right out and say it...I don't know...just ewww?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't disagree that your husband is being a ****, and it stings, because I've swore in front of the kids way too many times.

But help me get from this:


> told me that for that he will not be having dinner with us and he will also not be speaking to me for the rest of the night.


to this:


> psychologically abandoning me


It seems an extreme response.


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

Because I believe that's the intended purpose of the silent treatment. That's why it's considered abusive. That's why abusers find it effective. Get inside someone's head and you have all the power.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

IMO, You two need a marriage counselor.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sure. And if you're that bent out of shape after one night of him brooding, you're giving him all the power.

Plus, it's just plain needy. Sometimes people need to cool off. Sometimes I just need to walk away from my wife for a few hours and do something stupid to chill out.

And I have never "psychologically abandoned" my wife.

Either way... he pulls this again? Let him go.

And go and do something awesome. Preferably with the kids.


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

Also that's why it was such an effective tool to use on me specifically because of my deep seated fears of abandonment from childhood. That's my belief anyway. I used to get panicky if he refused to acknowledge my existence for too long. I'd do anything to get him to talk to me and be nice to me again up to and including abdicating my dignity. I don't think most people would have a response like that. It made me wonder why I get that visceral response and panic, stoop so low and for what?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

grn said:


> He said it by the stairs and the kids were upstairs somewhere possibly within earshot. I asked him from another room not to do that after it happened but said it quiet enough for only him to hear. The kids being upstairs at the time. He feels like if he's in a bad enough mood or I make him angry and we're arguing then whatever I want doesn't matter. That's not the kind of environment I want for my kids. He knows it makes me upset whenever he does it. I feel like he does a lot of testing behavior. He can be an angry person. Gets offended easily.
> 
> The silent treatment stuff purpose was punishment I believe. But to come right out and say it...I don't know...just ewww?


Has he always been like this? I think you both need some counseling here this doesn't seem a healthy way to communicate at all


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

Either way... he pulls this again? Let him go.

And go and do something awesome. Preferably with the kids.[/QUOTE]

What do you mean let him go? Do you mean leave him or leave him alone for the night? Because that's what I did and I'm increasingly able to do it with ease. 

I'm not sure how to handle myself today when I see him again after he said he's not speaking to me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Divorce.

Plain and simple. Your husband is a jacka$$. He will no longer be "speaking to you??" To h*ll with him. He is not a marriage partner. *He has declared himself an adversary,* an opponent, an enemy of your marriage.

Run for the hills. File as soon as you can.


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Has he always been like this? I think you both need some counseling here this doesn't seem a healthy way to communicate at all


He's always been the one with more power in the relationship. I started the relationship more than fifteen years ago with horribly low self-esteem.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

grn said:


> He's always been the one with more power in the relationship. I started the relationship more than fifteen years ago with horribly low self-esteem.


Read my post (above yours).

Time to pack it up, move along. HE is killing your self-esteem. And you are co-dependent. Look up the term. You'll find a wealth of information regarding the dysfunction in your relationship.


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Read my post (above yours).
> 
> Time to pack it up, move along. HE is killing your self-esteem. And you are co-dependent. Look up the term. You'll find a wealth of information regarding the dysfunction in your relationship.


You don't think anything can save this? We have young children.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't agree that this on it's own is grounds for immediate divorce.

It's sure grounds for MC and some serious soul-searching and expressing boundaries though.


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

I am starting to get a backbone. I'm not really bothered that he's decided not to speak to me. He can do that for as long as he wishes for all I'm concerned. I don't want to break up the family. I'd only be the one to do it if more serious, obvious abuse was going on. If he wants to be the one to do it I'd be fine but it would have to be on him and his conscience. If he pouts and continues to try to punish me I'll just retreat inward and focus more of my attention where it's deserved - my kids. I won't break up my family because I'm not in a mutually fulfilling relationship.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

grn said:


> I asked him nicely but directly last night if he could not cuss if he's not sure where the kids are. He sat down. Told me to come over by him. He told me that for that he will not be having dinner with us and he will also not be speaking to me for the rest of the night. So basically he's telling me he is going to withdraw from me as punishment for me being assertive and stating my wishes.


You asked him not to curse in front of your kids...and he told you 

1) to come over by him (ok...this is bothering me! You are not his child, why is he treating you like one)
2) he would not be having dinner with you and kids ...WHAT?!!
3) he would not be speaking to you for the rest of the night WHAT?!!

I would suggest reading about abusive behavior. His behavior is concerning. And go for counseling.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

grn said:


> I am starting to get a backbone. I'm not really bothered that he's decided not to speak to me. He can do that for as long as he wishes for all I'm concerned. I don't want to break up the family. I'd only be the one to do it if more serious, obvious abuse was going on. If he wants to be the one to do it I'd be fine but it would have to be on him and his conscience. If he pouts and continues to try to punish me I'll just retreat inward and focus more of my attention where it's deserved - my kids. I won't break up my family because I'm not in a mutually fulfilling relationship.



I have applaud you for this.
I found this site about 1 1/2 years ago while "searching" for some answers.

I posted a little bit about my situation, the FIRST response, it seems, was divorce her. Well, divorce ISN'T the end-all, fix-all cure.

The one thing I did get from TAM though, was, I figured out I had to change me, I couldn't change her.
I did change me. I have a thread in sex in marriage, "new life".
I think it pretty much explains what I did.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You did fine. What you should do is ignore his ignoring. You accomplished your goal. He is not cussing in front of the kids.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Certainly things could improve *IF* your husband were willing to work on his part of the problem. You've enabled his behavior for a very long time so it won't be easy. MC could help him understand he doesn't get a free pass because he's in pain a lot.


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

I think your husband has issues.
1 - He did not even consider that you were right about the cussing.
2 - Also his need to feel in control - he called you over to him. 
3 - He is trying to punish you. You punish children not adults and especially not your spouse.

His illness whatever it may be is not an excuse for his behavior.

CTCL - On going. The meds make me sick a lot of times.

So yes I understand being sick.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"*I'm not sure how to handle myself today when I see him again after he said he's not speaking to me*."

Don't say a word. Prepare dinner for yourself and the children (not enough for him). 

He'll inquire about his dinner. Tell him since he wasn't interested in dining with the family last night, you assumed he wouldn't be interested this night. Case closed. Do not whine, beg or cajole.


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

He just broke the silence with a text informing me he wouldn't be attending our son's baseball game tonight. No explanation. I'm assuming it's further punishment.


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

So now he makes my kids suffer. Nice. He didn't want to go anyway and now he has a nice excuse. He never wants to go. The reason he goes is because I drew a line in the sand a while ago that he needs to be more involved.


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> "*I'm not sure how to handle myself today when I see him again after he said he's not speaking to me*."
> 
> Don't say a word. Prepare dinner for yourself and the children (not enough for him).
> 
> He'll inquire about his dinner. Tell him since he wasn't interested in dining with the family last night, you assumed he wouldn't be interested this night. Case closed. Do not whine, beg or cajole.


He never WANTS to have dinner with us. The reason he does is because I drew a line in the sand that it's something that is important in a normal, functioning family and I require it. I've shed so many tears trying to get him to see the importance of eating dinner as a family to no avail. The only thing that worked was when I started to be capable of delivering the silent treatment right back at him for indefinite periods of time.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

grn said:


> So now he makes my kids suffer. Nice. He didn't want to go anyway and now he has a nice excuse. He never wants to go. The reason he goes is because I drew a line in the sand a while ago that he needs to be more involved.





grn said:


> He never WANTS to have dinner with us. The reason he does is because I drew a line in the sand that it's something that is important in a normal, functioning family and I require it. I've shed so many tears trying to get him to see the importance of eating dinner as a family to no avail. The only thing that worked was when I started to be capable of delivering the silent treatment right back at him for indefinite periods of time.


So now he has a convenient excuse to withdraw from his family. Swell guy.

I don't know, Grn. It's awful hard for me to find anything that redeems this guy at all.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

grn said:


> He just broke the silence with a text informing me he wouldn't be attending our son's baseball game tonight. No explanation. I'm assuming it's further punishment.


Do not assume. One word text back:

"Why?"


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Make him tell your son why he isn't going. See if he can explain why he is punishing the children. I wouldn't stand for that at all. If my H ignored the kids, that would be it. I would leave or he wouldn't be allowed back in until he grew the hell up. 

That's incredibly immature.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

So he's only interested in being a part of your family because you insisted and as soon as he is unhappy with you he stops making an effort because he has a convenient excuse. This just proves that you might be able to force him to be a part of the family, but you can't force him to WANT to be. Maybe it's time you stopped trying to force him to be someone he isn't and let the chips fall where they may. He'll be the standing on the sidelines watching his family live and love and grow and he won't be a part of it. I think living with the consequences will be the only way he will see why making an effort is necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

TOTALLY IGNORE HIM, absolutely no conversation, don't even acknowledge he exists. That's what I did, It's part of the 180. 
It worked for me.
Do whatever you need to do.......for you & the kids, absolutely nothing for him.....he doesn't even exist.

I didn't tell my wife what I was doing, where I was going, or what I planned on doing, or if I'd even be home in the evening. For 1 1/2 years.
I broke my wrist in January, had to have surgery, I didn't even tell her where the surgery was going to be done, I had my brother take me. The only thing she knew about all of it was what I told my daughters.

I'm tellin' you, you totally ignore him, it'll get his attention. Don't "snub" him or turn your nose up or be sarcastic to him. Be happy (you'll have to pretend) but smile a lot. Till you're ready to make your move, timing may crucial.

My timing was, my daughter getting married last week. Time to "break the silence". Broke it three weeks ago. I honestly don't think we've EVER been as close in 34 years as we are now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you're desperate to keep the family together for a guy who doesn't even want to eat dinner with you guys? What kind of environment are you providing?

As for his tantrum, ignore him. You've allowed this to go on for a long time so he's used to this dynamic and it's the only way he knows how to operate. He sent you that text because you've ignored him and now he's fishing to get a response. Ignore and treat him like he doesn't matter until such time that he wants to talk like a grown up.

You should really consider whether you want to remain in a marriage like this, but I'd also throw in that serving him with divorce papers might be the only way to get him to face anything. Otherwise he has all the power to act like a brat and you basically have none. There hasn't been any consequences for him to act like a spoiled 2 year old.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

My husband does the silent treatment thing and has been doing it for years. It used to bother me because I had no idea why he shut down and it would last about 3 days on average. Years ago I told him to try using words to let me know there is a problem but he refuses to do that. I've learned to ignore being ignored and I use the quiet time for my own benefit, like not cooking because he won't eat my food if he isn't speaking to me. Once he sees how unaffected you are he may get over himself. It's just immaturity, a lack of communication skills and maybe a control issue. It seems he wants the whole family to suffer because he's mad. What are you to say to your son about his daddy not attending his game? Once when my husband was mad at me he told me he wasn't attending my brother's wedding. I put my foot down and told him that if he didn't go I would let everyone know that he didn't attend because he was mad. Also told him he should have his sh_t packed and moved out by the time I got home. That seemed to change his attitude because he attended the wedding and had a great time.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I grew up with a father who would give us (myself & siblings) the silent treatment when he was mad at my mother too. As a small child, it would confuse me. My mother would tell us to just ignore my father. As I got older & became a teenager (he still did it then, this behavior never stopped), it made me very resentful of my father. I didn't respect him or men much for that matter. Counseling helped me a lot.

The point I am trying to make is that his behavior is very emotionally damaging to your children. You may think they don't notice but they do. I, myself, wish my mother would've left my father a long time ago. They didn't divorce until we were all adults, the damage was already done. Don't subject your children to that, please....


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

grn said:


> So now he makes my kids suffer. Nice. He didn't want to go anyway and now he has a nice excuse. He never wants to go. The reason he goes is because I drew a line in the sand a while ago that he needs to be more involved.


grn, 
your husband sounds like an immature, Class A jackass. He has such little respect for you and your kids that if I were you I would seriously question why you want to continue going down this road with him. 

You're not going to change him - he is who he is. He might get back to the point where he interacts with his family, but it's clear he doesn't LIKE to do that. Is that the kind of husband you want, and more importantly is that the kind of role model your children need as they grow up? It might scare the bejeezus out of you, but I think you know what you need to do.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Next time he pulls it if early take the kids out or late go have a marriage friendly girls night out at a friends house.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

I used to do the silent treatment. It's very passive-aggressive. The best response to that kind of behavior is to not notice.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

You've had some good advice here. My only "contribution" will be to urge you to think about the fact that keeping children in this kind of environment is very harmful to them. You should think seriously about divorce. That may lead to a breakthrough or it may not. But in the end you will be better off divorced and so will your kids.

And then he'll never have to eat dinner with your or his kids again. He should be very happy with that.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My advice is to ignore him. Have fun and laugh with your kids. Make plans to do some fun stuff this weekend. He wants everyone to be miserable. Don't let that happen. 

You have to change your mindset. He is the one missing out, not you and the kids.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Also, don't teach your kids to tip toe around your husband because "you might make him mad". That is the worst thing to do. It teaches them avoid conflict at all costs and to suppress their feelings. It's really a bummer to grow up in a home where you have to walk on eggshells.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I find it amusing that someone so mean and grumpy can think that withholding their presence is supposed to be a punishment. Sounds like a relief to me! How much ego must he have to think that his mere presence is such a special treat that not getting it is a punishment?

If your kids ask where daddy is, tell them he's chosen to give himself a time out for his recent bad behaviour (cussing).

Otherwise I think you're on the right track. Whenever he does this, just shrug, say "okay, talk to you later then," and go off and do your own thing, ignoring him. He wants you to feel punished by his absence, so just let it slide right off. Don't make him any supper, don't expect to include him in anything until he starts talking to you again.

Unfortunately, from your brief description, he doesn't sound like the type of person who will look at this, reflect, realize he's being completely immature and take steps to change his behaviour. He seems like the type of person who'll just find a new and different way to be a jerk to you because the first way stopped working. Watch out.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, I personally wouldn't tolerate this because I've been in an abusive relationship where the silent treatment was his go-to method of punishing me when I did "wrong". That "relationship" really did a number on me and took me a long time to recover from. These situations rarely get better. You need to really think hard about whether you want your children growing up in this sort of environment...it's just not healthy.

However, if you're not wanting to divorce, you need to get a backbone and not tolerate this appallingly childish behaviour. Stop doing ANYTHING for him. No dinner, no laundry, no picking up after him. Nothing. It's about respect. When he asks you why there's no dinner for him, say "you said you weren't eating with us". When he asks why there's no clean clothes, tell him that when he treats you with respect, you will treat him with respect. When he starts to act normally, do a load of clothes for him, or cook him a meal...he needs to learn that you will not tolerate this crappy behaviour - EVER AGAIN.

I hope your response to his text message about your son's game was "Ok". 

Just keep going about your day/night completely normally, and be normal when he decides to talk to you again (as much as you want to let him have it)...when he realises that his tantrums and pouting have zero affect on the household, he'll stop. His reward at the moment is you begging him to talk and cajoling him and enabling. Stop enabling him, his reward stops and wallah! So does the behaviour.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

While you have certainly gotten stronger and more assertive, and the advice here is good food for thought, I need to emphasize one point several people made.

The kids. He never wanted to be involved in their activities or dinner with the family. Now he's punishing you by using the kids. How hurtful and confusing to the kids. He's being emotionally abusive to everyone. Heck, he could still ignore you and have dinner and chat up the kids, but no - he has to hurt the kids, too.

You are setting an example to your children of how a marriage functions and what their 'normal' is. They will think it's OK to pout and ignore people/their spouses when mad. They won't learn good coping or communication skills. You have to go above and beyond to demonstrate these interpersonal skills. Do you want your kids to have marriages like yours? They likely will if it doesn't change.

I think an ultimatum of marriage counseling and his learning to not use passive-aggressive behavior is important and if he's not willing to do that, it's time for the sake of the children to get out. 

Meanwhile, I would document everything he is doing. If you are afraid he will stumble upon it, create a free email address and email yourself journal updates. Because if he really wants to hurt you and is willing to use the kids to do it, he may become falsely super loving and involved the moment you tell him you want a divorce and try to use the kids against you. You need to be able to prove you are the parent they rely on to always be there.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I remember all too well how demoralizing it feels to be in a marriage with an absent H. Mine had some mental issues, and rather than seek treatment he completely withdrew (I guess its par for the course with mental issues) and the interaction we got was verbally and emotionally abusive. He never ate dinner with us, and I can count on one hand the number of soccer or softball games he went to, and that's over an eight year period of time.I hated walking around our home on eggshells wondering what was going to set him off next. And so did the kids. I just kept thinking if I tolerated a little bit more, he'd stop and things would get better. For lots of reasons, unrelated to your issues, we divorced. He has remained uninvolved with our kids, choosing not to come to our DD high school graduation. But my girls are strong, capable, intelligent and independent young ladies who would never tolerate that kind of treatment from anyone again. Sometimes your worst fear turns out to be the best thing you could ever do.

Keep being strong.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

grn said:


> I think I've run into problems in my marriage because I set the tone very early on that I wasn't a person who commanded respect. Help me figure out the following scenario: Last night my husband was cussing within possible earshot of the kids. He knows how much that bothers me. I've told him countless times how much it bothers me. I asked him nicely but directly last night if he could not cuss if he's not sure where the kids are. He sat down. Told me to come over by him. He told me that for that he will not be having dinner with us and he will also not be speaking to me for the rest of the night. So basically he's telling me he is going to withdraw from me as punishment for me being assertive and stating my wishes. Now the reason I think he does this is because it's worked for him in the past. He's never really had to take me seriously. I can not stand the silent treatment. Well, used to not be able to stand it. It has always been a very effective tool for him to use whenever and for whatever he chooses. He had all the power. This was like my achiles heal and I had no leverage. I don't know why I was like this. I think I had very low self-esteem and abandonment issues and he capitalized on it.
> 
> After he informed me that he would be withdrawing himself and psychologically abandoning me, I said okay, turned and walked away very casually. I didn't get upset. I didn't act out in any way. I just let him do what he wanted and went on with my night. We didn't talk at all last night and are still have not spoken today. All because I had the nerve to be assertive. Not sure if this is relevant but he has an undiagnosed pain condition. He feels sick a lot, gets headaches but there is no known medical cause for it and no medication that can help him. He's been to countless doctors. It's really mysterious. Nobody has any idea what's going on with him. He is miserable a lot. So I suppose he would say that I'm not being understanding enough and should cut him some slack and he can't be perfect all the time when he's feeling so low. I think I would have much more sympathy and be much more understanding had his personality changed for the worse once he started feeling sick but his disrespectful behavior goes way back. I don't see much difference between how he was then and how he is now. He treats me better today because I somewhat got a backbone and he's learned that I'm not the pushover I once was.
> 
> Any advice on if I handled the situation well? What kind of man tells his wife that he won't be speaking to her and not eating dinner as a family as a form of punishment? I think that's indicative of some deep underlying problems.


I don't want to put any ideas in your head that might not be there, but there are red flags here for a personality disorder.

Edit: (on your husbands part)


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The best thing you can do when he behaves like this is to disengage and try to behave as normally as possible until he pulls himself together. Trying to engage him will simply reward and reinforce this sort of behaviour.

When things have returned to normal, you might tell him how this sort of behaviour impacts on you and the children, and if this doesn't work, or it escalates the behaviour, suggest he go for counselling.

You might also look at the thoughts his behaviour triggers in you, how they make you feel and continue to work on being more assertive. 

You need to be more assertive. Read this article! Right now! | Life and style | The Guardian


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