# Morbid Jealousy-Please help...



## shadow24 (Aug 31, 2012)

I have a situation, any advice would be appreciated. I apologize for the long post.

I was married for 17 years (together 22yrs). Our daughter is 13yrs old. Recently separated 6 months ago, somewhat mutual. I was fed up of the accusations-and he was convinced of his own "thoughts". I truly believe he suffers from morbid jealousy. However he refuses to see professional help is needed. The situation started 6 years ago, he caught me talking to a guy, and accused me of having an affair. The guy was an acquaintance to both of us. I had been trying to set this acquaintance up on blind date with a friend. However my husband did not believe me. He could not accept that I had a picture of this guy.(innocently for the blind date). I'm guilty of not sharing this with my husband -eventually would have informed him. I was not hiding it from him intentionally. We had a difficult time, separated for 5 months before we decided to work through it and save our marriage. Which meant I took a lie detector test to prove my innocence. From then until about a year ago-it seemed our marriage was back on track. Then his odd behavior started, which at first seemed to be jealousy. Aside from my job, I never left his side. I never went anywhere unless it was with him. He began what I refer to as his testing, such as: monitoring my mileage, checking my vehicle in work parking lot each day, checking my purse, cel phone, work papers, installed tracker on cell phone, installed tape recorder, hired private eye, stalked the house, etc. All of which had negative results, because I wasn't doing anything. However he states I outsmarted him. How can I outsmart him when I had no clue. I begged and pleaded with him to get help, which he still insists there is nothing wrong with him,blames me. He has always had low self esteem, and was cheated on in his previous relationships (23 yrs ago).He admits that if he could trust me everything would be okay. He claims I was too good of a wife-therefor it must be because I was guilty of something. I tried to explain to him-that his tests and my pleas should indicate, that I was committed to him and to our marriage. I was not cold or distant towards him at all. I was happy with our marriage (other then the accusations of having affairs). Its been 6 months since we separated, and still he insists I was lying to him. Even though I remain alone since we separated. I am so hurt that the man I love-can not see that. We dont really communicate, except for him texting every 2nd week. And its like Jekall and Hyde with him. Usually starts off by calling me every name imaginable, degrading me, accusations, etc. When he sees I refuse to reply-then he softens up and says how he won a huge barbeque, or caught a huge fish. From one extreme to another. He has told everyone hurtful things of how I am a liar and cheater. Claims he was mad,but I hear he is till doing it. You would think as time passes he would be calmer, but that is not so. He seems to be more angry now, then when he left. Obviously his thought process has not changed. I see him every few weeks drive by (he thinks he goes unnoticed). My daughter was hurt by the separation, counseling has helped her some. But she wants nothing to do with her dad. Partially because of what happened-but mostly because he also talks badly of me to her. He ignored her for the first 2 months. He texts her every now and then. Claims to love and miss her. And says he never wanted to leave-"insists he had too". Sadly they had a very close relationship before all this. I dont understand his actions at all. He blames me for ruining our family, and accuses me of turning our daughter on him. For some reason he can not see for himself, its all my fault. If this is a mental disorder (morbid jealousy) Will he ever realize help is needed? If his issue is "trust", would his love not steer him to resolve and save? Is there any hope? I really dont know what to think of this anymore. Any advice or comments would be appreciated. Please I need help with this.


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## smartone (Sep 1, 2012)

Suggest he take a lie detector test like you did. His irrational jealousy seems suspicious, like he doesn't trust you because he knows he can't be trusted either.


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## Greg40 (Aug 11, 2012)

What do you know about the first time he was cheated on ?

Would I be right in guessing that he dealt with it internally ? 

If what you're saying is 100% the truth, it obvious that he has deep trust issues no matter what you do. He's committed to finding something that is likely not their at all but wont be satisfied with his sleuthing unti he finds any shred to back up his suspicions or completely destroys the relationship. He wont feel better when he's done that of course but at the moment, I suspect he thinks what he's doing is protecting himself.

He really does need to see someone. and you guys have got to find a way to communicate...from your post that looks like its going to be a real uphill battle.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Considering the details you posted, I would suggest you leave this man. If counseling and reasoning can't help him then you got to let him go. My fear is that divorcing him will make him worse but you have to live your life and do whats best for your child. He has developed an OC behavior with suspicion of you cheating. If you fear he is a threat to you and your child, then I suggest you make a journal of his actions and record the phone conversations of him verbally abusing you. Use that info to get an restraining order against him.



> The situation started 6 years ago, he caught me talking to a guy, and accused me of having an affair. The guy was an acquaintance to both of us. I had been trying to set this acquaintance up on blind date with a friend. However my husband did not believe me. He could not accept that I had a picture of this guy.(innocently for the blind date). I'm guilty of not sharing this with my husband -eventually would have informed him. I was not hiding it from him intentionally.


Under those circumstances I can see why his suspicion started. You got to admit that it is not a good way to go about playing matchmaker. I would be suspicious too. But you passed the lie detector test and that's great. It still doesn't excuse his present behavior.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds like a real mess Shadow. 

Ummmm.... Wonder what his side of the story sounds like


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

WOW, I think your husband has severe physiological problems. This is way beyond jealousy. I can understand some of his original suspensions given the way you handled the "Blind Date" thing, but with passing the polygraph and all the other verification he did, even the most jealous husband should have been satisified. If he wont go to get real good physiological analysis then divorce is your only other choice, in my opinion. I have a feeling the divorce with him is going to be mighty ugly.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Ummmm.... Wonder what his side of the story sounds like


The great unknown piece of the puzzle


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Shadow, his problems go deeper than jealousy. He may, in fact be delusional. He really needs long term help. If he won't do that, you must leave him. Otherwise, the rest of your life will be consumed by your role in his delusions.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

This story is (if it is all there is to it) a very revealing display of how an episode can damage a person. This guy took it so bad that he now constantly thinks he is re-living the situation that landed him in this state.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Possible projection?

Just grasping here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You said he made you take a lie detector test to 'prove' your innocence. You didn't say you passed. Not trying to cast aspersions but often times "inconclusive" is reported for certain questions. For these you can interpret one way and he can interpret another. Jus sayin


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

No disrespect but reading your post, your husband sounds extremely verbally & emotionally abusive not to mention controlling.

He needs intensive therapy.

I am glad you are separated from him even if you are not.


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## shadow24 (Aug 31, 2012)

I did indeed pass, with "No Deception Indicated". All the questions were chosen by him, with specifics. 
And his side of the story...sort of speaking is what I described. Except he literally thinks that his behavior and testing is rational.Seriously most people would run when the testing starts, or the constant accusations which is emotionally draining. Cant have a marriage with no trust. I pleaded with him to seek help.
My problem is that; in his mind (mental state) something is not registering for some reason. For him mentally..there must be a "hitting bottom"?
Thank you for the reply, interesting how it is seen through eyes of others.


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## shadow24 (Aug 31, 2012)

River Rat thank you for your reply. We are separated (7mths). It hurts seeing him inn this mental state-knowing there is nothing I can do to help. I have begged him to seek help. His reply to me, "move your man in now, its been long enough". For some reason he can not or will not see there is something wrong with his thinking. Sad to see someone you love this far gone. There is "no bottom" for him to hit. But thought as time passed he would calm down and realize.


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## shadow24 (Aug 31, 2012)

costa200 said:


> This story is (if it is all there is to it) a very revealing display of how an episode can damage a person. This guy took it so bad that he now constantly thinks he is re-living the situation that landed him in this state.


Costa200, yes I suppose his actions are maybe based on re-living his feelings and thoughts. However can he not understand that his mental state is irrational. I endured all of his testing and accusations, for a simple reason...I have always been faithful and committed. I begged for him to seek help. It saddens me because it seems he is so far gone....and there is nothing I can do to help.


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## shadow24 (Aug 31, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> WOW, I think your husband has severe physiological problems. This is way beyond jealousy. I can understand some of his original suspensions given the way you handled the "Blind Date" thing, but with passing the polygraph and all the other verification he did, even the most jealous husband should have been satisified. If he wont go to get real good physiological analysis then divorce is your only other choice, in my opinion. I have a feeling the divorce with him is going to be mighty ugly.


Thank you for your opinion, and yes this is more then just jealousy. Unfortunately his mental state is not allowing him to realize or sort rational thinking. Watching a loved one suffer from a mental disorder is devastating. Simply because there is nothing I can do to help. I have defended myself, I begged for him to seek help, etc. I stuck with him because I did love him. I guess I was wishing he would, over time focus his thinking on what was rational and consider help..


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## shadow24 (Aug 31, 2012)

Greg40 said:


> What do you know about the first time he was cheated on ?
> 
> Would I be right in guessing that he dealt with it internally ?
> 
> ...


Greg40, thank you for your opinion. He claims he has always been cheated on. His first relationship at 18 yrs old was 6 months. He was the "other" man. He had no idea she was committed to someone else (he immediately ended relationship). His second girlfriend of 5yrs had admitted to him that she cheated with his best friend.(again he ended relationship). And then we met, together 22 yrs. And you are correct about him wanting to find something to back up his suspicions. This is the part that puzzles me. Can he not see I had nothing to hide-simply because I wasn't doing anything. All his tests and accusations, and I still stayed by his side. I begged for him to seek help. It was the only explanation, for some reason he has it planted in his head, and there is no rational thinking. Or something preventing him to understand. He has always had very low self esteem. Emotionally it has taken a toll on me. It hurts to see a loved one with a mental disorder, nothing I can do to help. He has even said himself that if it wasn't for the trust issue-everything would be okay. I pleaded my love for him over and over. I defended myself, and all his testing were negative results because I had nothing to hide. why he cant see that? I guess I was hoping after some time he would calm down and maybe realize. But he seems to be angry, after 7mths of being separated. From time to time he sends a text directing that its all my fault. when I reply with a plea for help, he gets even more upset and starts with his insults. Often sending me the following statements in a text: okay you can move your man in now, or sorry for not being enough man for you, or how I wasn't appreciative for any Christmas gifts, or how I never kissed him with my eyes open. From a few of those examples you can see that obviously his statements are all across the board.I feel as though he sits and thinks of anything negative, to keep him in a place to defend himself. He tells me "this" is not what he wanted-but its my fault for ruining our family. And now I'm really not sure what to expect from him. Time has passed, and not looking as though he has changed his way of thinking. But seems he cant move on either. I know he's suffering from something. My biggest question, will he ever see??


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## shadow24 (Aug 31, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> Considering the details you posted, I would suggest you leave this man. If counseling and reasoning can't help him then you got to let him go. My fear is that divorcing him will make him worse but you have to live your life and do whats best for your child. He has developed an OC behavior with suspicion of you cheating. If you fear he is a threat to you and your child, then I suggest you make a journal of his actions and record the phone conversations of him verbally abusing you. Use that info to get an restraining order against him.
> 
> 
> 
> Under those circumstances I can see why his suspicion started. You got to admit that it is not a good way to go about playing matchmaker. I would be suspicious too. But you passed the lie detector test and that's great. It still doesn't excuse his present behavior.



AlphaHelp thank you for replying. And yes we are separated 7mths now. I indeed keep a journal, and therapy helps. Seeing him in this mental state is difficult, nothing I can do to help. And as time passes, his way of thinking has not changed. People suffering from mental disorder would deny they need help. But surely there must come a time they hit bottom, or realize they are in pain?? I dont see him accepting any type of help on his own. Especially if his way of thinking continues. Again thank you for opinion, its appreciated.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Almost seems schizo-ish. Paranoid delusions. He seriously needs help


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

shadow24 said:


> Costa200, yes I suppose his actions are maybe based on re-living his feelings and thoughts. However can he not understand that his mental state is irrational. I endured all of his testing and accusations, for a simple reason...I have always been faithful and committed. I begged for him to seek help. It saddens me because it seems he is so far gone....and there is nothing I can do to help.


His reality is molded by his psychological problems. BTW, are you sure his other relationship had some real cheating? If he has a psychological condition it may be that his paranoid suspicions were the cause for the previous break up.


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## shadow24 (Aug 31, 2012)

An update...Its now 9 months later, and my ex husband is still convinced that I was unfaithful. I have given up with trying to get him to consider there something causing these insecurities or jealousy. I know longer bring up the idea that "we" seek help.(bipolar,paranoia, or DDJ). He is still convinced that there is nothing wrong with his thinking, etc. The only communication is via text, and that is usually every 2nd week or so. It seems as though he uses some excuse to text me. I have made no attempt in chasing him, calling him or even texting him. I had pointed out to him that I am hurt and saddened for the break up of our family. I also told him that I was here should he decide to seek help. I am not sure if he contacts me because he can not let go, or if he does not want to move on. I still get the weird questions via text, that ask me; "was I not good looking enough"? Or "thanks for making me jealous-it worked". Because he had seen me in a restaurant with a group of 6 people (assumed I was on a date-in which I wasn't). I've also been informed by a family member, and 2 former colleagues, that he had approached them all a few months back with questions regarding me. How can someone so determined in his thinking still go look for info? Obviously he is not accepting the truth, and comprehending that I was faithful. Not really sure what to make of this behavior. Last week I agreed to give him a few household items. And when he came by to pick them up. I made sure that they were placed outside for him-an easy pick up with no confrontation. However he was very friendly, and actually gestured for us to sit for a minute. A few minutes later, we both were just sitting there crying. I told him again, how this was all brought on based on thoughts! He told me that he was having a very difficult time with the separation. I knew he would not say anything more then that. So I excused myself, it was just to hard to sit there in that state. As he left he told me that it was nice to talk to me. And I replied, "Had we only done it a lot sooner"! I have not heard from him since. Strange to think that his emotions are all over the board. I am sure I will get a text shortly, which he will come across as aggressive. I realize there is nothing I can do to help with our situation, unless he admits help is needed. Inside I hurt so bad, my heart aches. He seems to show some emotions now, opposed to 8 months ago. Not sure if this is a sign in any direction. But makes me wonder how 9 months later, he still shows a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Any comments or thoughts would be appreciated.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

If he is unwilling to seek professional help is there at least a possibility that you may convince him to visit this forum and talk to people here? There are a lot of betrayed spouses here and many will probably have such issues as lack of trust in new relationships. They may be able to help him out of this self damaging vicious cycle he is in.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Listen Shadow:

I get from his behaviour that you could end up as one of those statistics: So cut all ties as much as you can. Have someone big supervising the contacts untill he stops contacting you in that strange way. Contact the police for these texts and get them to talk to him about them. 

It will be hard to get the message to his dillusional mind, but you *must* try.

Good luck.


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## shadow24 (Aug 31, 2012)

I only wish I could convince him to visit this site. I thought that perhaps as time passed, and I refrained from contacting him, that he would be curious for the real answers. this being the longest length of time to pass in which he has not tried to contact me (21 days). Maybe now he has moved on? Part of me holds back, in hopes that he will reach out for help. And yet the other part wants to assure him that there is still a chance for help. What a position to be in. Only because if it were a disease he suffered from-I wouldn't walk away. Just as this disorder has affected who he has become-its hard to completely give up hope. I have prepared myself that a future may not include him. I take one day at a time, and pray for the best. Time will tell, and I will remain strong. So hard though when I struggle with mixed emotions of hurt, sadness and anger. There have never been any physical altercations. As for my safety and well being, I am very alert to this. His demeanor is more in self pity, and verbal abuse towards me. Maybe he will experience withdrawal and hit his bottom?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Think of when parents have to ban their addicted son or daughter from the family house. They only do that after a long way of horrors, until there is no possibility to carry on because everybody deteriorates. That is hart breaking to do as a father, as a mother, but finally they have no other option.

I don't know how far this has gone in your situation, but he might be mental ill, and you cannot repair that. Maybe he can, with help. Be very clear to him about this.He then can choose what to do, if that is a mental option still. 

But I am afraid he might hurt you, that there have been no physical altercations is no guarantee. He might get on a break point where he realizes he cannot get you back, and decide that then nobody will 'have you'.

The newspapers are full of these cases, where totally normal people come to such a boiling point!

Take care.


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## Piccadilly (Aug 12, 2013)

I am in a very similar situation to Shadow Mountain. After one year of verbal, emotional, and mental abuse-(accusations, continuous interrogations, spyware on the computer, voice recorders, camcorders, etc...) we are now living in separate houses. After reading about morbid jealousy I am now more concerned about our situation. I do not know if he will seek help. I do not want my son to think that his fathers behavior is how men are supposed to treat women. At first I thought his behavior was due to the fact he was turning 50, and believed his line of questioning would stop.
He has been making up stories and continues to search for something that "I" did. Any help would be appreciated.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Piccadilly, I would sit down and have an honest discussion with your husband. I might say something like:

"[Name], I love you and I want to prove my fidelity to you in any way possible. Our marriage means too much to me to be possibly pulled apart in this way. What can I do to show you I have been faithful?"

If he tells you "do x, y, and z" WRITE IT DOWN and then do those things. I'd also make sure that during this conversation you get verbal agreement that these things will prove your innocence and if you do them and pass he can no longer accuse you of these things.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Under the schizophrenia spectrum there is a delusional disorder subtype, jealous type. This behavior can also be under obsessive disorder or paranoid personality disorder, in the new DSM. This is my world. Not sure that he has a mental disorder but by your description he seems to have one.

If so, be very careful, he could get very nasty here.


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## Piccadilly (Aug 12, 2013)

Thank you for your response, however we have already had 7 months full of conversations, arguments etc. I was trying to prove things that did not happen and some were situations where it was only him and myself that I could not prove. He would sit and listen to tapes he had recorded and hear a much different and distorted version of what was actually there. Even being told by other people who he let listen to these audio clips that what he was hearing was not there- he would get angry and just keep looking for more. We are now at the "text only stage" of communication. I stayed in this situation because I love my husband and am concerned about him. And now concerned about myself.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Was there anything that caused your spouse's anxiety, jealousy that you could show he was not correct in his response? I am not saying that there is any reason for this, but if you can get some situation clear in his mind that might help pinpoint his problem. If you could find out the trigger or triggers and show him that he has nothing to worry about, that could help.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Piccadilly said:


> I am in a very similar situation to Shadow Mountain. After one year of verbal, emotional, and mental abuse-(accusations, continuous interrogations, spyware on the computer, voice recorders, camcorders, etc...) we are now living in separate houses. After reading about morbid jealousy I am now more concerned about our situation. I do not know if he will seek help. I do not want my son to think that his fathers behavior is how men are supposed to treat women. At first I thought his behavior was due to the fact he was turning 50, and believed his line of questioning would stop.
> He has been making up stories and continues to search for something that "I" did. Any help would be appreciated.


I don't know whether to be sad or angry. Too many times I've read threads on this forum where men write in wondering if they need to be concerned about something "odd" they've noticed about their wife, in an otherwise perfectly normal marriage. Almost like clockwork, TAM "experts" swoop in and convince the poor poster that, not only is his wife doing something wrong, she's most likely been sleeping with another man for a while and he needs to file for diovorce immediately while simultaneously employing all kinds of spyware, voice activated recorders, polygraphs and what not. It amazes me how quickly some of the posters, their insecurities enthusiastically enflamed, become obsessed with the idea that their spouse is having an affair. It also amazes me how rarely they are ever advised that maybe there is a perfectly harmless explanation for what struck them as odd and maybe they should just talk to their wife about it and work it out together. If the poster figures that out for themselves and tries it, they will be advised here to ignore anything their spouse tells them because the spouse is just following the classic cheater's script of denial.

I'm sorry for you both, Shadow24 and Picadilly. It seems like the solution to your situation is communication. But communication requires listening, trust and an open mind. I don't know how you communicate with someone whose paranoid obsession has replaced those things.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

shadow24 said:


> He claims he has always been cheated on.


If he applied his overly suspicious behavior to these other chicks, I don't doubt he's has always been cheated on. If waht you say is his personality, he most likely accused and confronted these other woman over his suspicions time and time again, keeping them on the defense whether they were guilty or not. Every time this happened, he lowed their romantic interest in him, like he's doing to you, and they finally said, " The hell with it. If I'm going to be accused of screwing around, I may as well have some fun doing it."


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## Piccadilly (Aug 12, 2013)

Screwedeverything,
Thank you for understanding. 
I am a good women and was a faithful wife to my husband. Not too sure what exactly triggered my husbands obsessive behavior. He made me quit my job, and we were home together for months, I did not go anywhere without him for months but yet there were still accusations and recorders placed around the house. He also quit his job (after getting a promotion) and we are now in financial crisis along with everything else. I understand there are spouses out there that do cheat- I was not one of them! And even if I had, his controlling and abusive behavior after the accusations was just not normal. Can someone else agree with that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The poor chap spent all his married life waiting for the other shoe to fall. So much so that he imagines the sound of multiple clogs raining down about him.

He knows something about himself that you don't know. He knows that he is a worthless husband. The actions of his first wife told him that.

Well, if he'd have been a real man, she'd never have needed to seek a real man, right?

He knows it can only be a matter of time before you find out that he isn't a real man and look for a real man.

He is delusional. Not controlling, as such, but more likely seriously mentally ill.

Sad that the effect of cheating can so be so devastating after so many years.


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## Piccadilly (Aug 12, 2013)

Just curious if anyone knows of how many of these cases of morbid jealousy include the "accuser" as having an affair or cheating themselves? Also could a mid life crisis be enough to trigger this?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Piccadilly said:


> Just curious if anyone knows of how many of these cases of morbid jealousy include the "accuser" as having an affair or cheating themselves? Also could a mid life crisis be enough to trigger this?


Did you have any boundary issues with other men. Male friends, Facebook friends, workplace, communicating with exes, girls night outs etc?


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