# Do you think that religion helps your marriage?



## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

To me, the answer is yes.
My husband and I ,we used to argue all the time, we tried to convince the other party that I was right, you were wrong. But, some issues, there are no absolute answers, but we all try to win. yes, you may win, you can win every battle, but you may lose your marriage at the end.
After so many arguments, I was very tired, I wished him could be a different person, I thought about divorce, untill one day, I decided to pick up a book to read, tried to change things a little bit.The idea in that book impressed me a lot: yes, you can wish everything for good, such as, a better family, a better husband, just pray, believe in Him, your prayer will be answered, your marriage will be better if you pray instead of arguing..... I did try, I really feel there are less arguments, more love, we are happier.
I made an oath, I would like to work it out. I will keep praying, not arguing.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My answer is yes too. 

Although I don't pray. I read, I learn, I absorb, I apply, I change, I have a better understanding about myself, people, and how I should view life!


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> My answer is yes too.
> 
> Although I don't pray. I read, I learn, I absorb, I apply, I change, I have a better understanding about myself, people, and how I should view life!


That's very wise.
I just feel that my husband has changed since I changed myself.(he was not bad at all, he was a good man, but a too stubborn man)


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

After you change, your view about him changes also. 

And when he sees you become a happy person, he has less stress, it is easier for him to be cheerful and loving! 

It is called good circle........................


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Greentea said:


> To me, the answer is yes.
> My husband and I ,we used to argue all the time, we tried to convince the other party that I was right, you were wrong. But, some issues, there are no absolute answers, but we all try to win. yes, you may win, you can win every battle, but you may lose your marriage at the end.
> After so many arguments, I was very tired, I wished him could be a different person, I thought about divorce, untill one day, I decided to pick up a book to read, tried to change things a little bit.The idea in that book impressed me a lot: yes, you can wish everything for good, such as, a better family, a better husband, just pray, believe in Him, your prayer will be answered, your marriage will be better if you pray instead of arguing..... I did try, I really feel there are less arguments, more love, we are happier.
> I made an oath, I would like to work it out. I will keep praying, not arguing.


Right fighting, as you describe, is the death knell to many a marriage. I, personally, am a-religious. Even back when I WANTED to be, I could not make myself believe what I did not believe. But I think it is fantastic that you found inspiration and the force of good within the good book. I guess I am kind of assuming you mean the christian bible, but I guess it matters little. 

I like to think of myself as a Jesus Christ follower. His teaching, as understand it, is the perfect blue print for a life of kindness, love, mental health, emotional health. I just don't believe that he was god, the son of god or in any way a deity. And I think so much harm and evil is done in his name. It makes me smile when I see examples of good being done in his name as with you.

Cheers.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It's not religion per se that helps my relationship...it's the common belief that we share which admittedly is different than that of "fundamental" religion. My SO has studied theology much more than I have...it's only been within the last several years that I have expanded my horizons. If he were a dyed-in-the-wool fundamentalist, I doubt things would work between us, even though we would share a common belief in God.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Its helpful for us in a few ways:

it gives us a community in which each of us feels purposeful in our own ways.
--I'm a theology student and my H has worked in the church.
It gives us a basic standard even if we don't reach that standard in our bad moments.
We both buy it.
It inspires both of us.

Honestly sometimes I wish our common religion was more helpful in the nitty gritty of our conflicts.
But the good thing is that our counseling, even though it's not religious per se, is really consistent with our religious beliefs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Right fighting, as you describe, is the death knell to many a marriage. I, personally, am a-religious. Even back when I WANTED to be, I could not make myself believe what I did not believe. But I think it is fantastic that you found inspiration and the force of good within the good book. I guess I am kind of assuming you mean the christian bible, but I guess it matters little.
> 
> I like to think of myself as a Jesus Christ follower. His teaching, as understand it, is the perfect blue print for a life of kindness, love, mental health, emotional health. I just don't believe that he was god, the son of god or in any way a deity. And I think so much harm and evil is done in his name. It makes me smile when I see examples of good being done in his name as with you.
> 
> Cheers.



Thank you Dear.
I grew up in an atheistic country, we were told there was no God at all, I didn't believe in God at all before my Christian friend took me to her home, she and her mother prayed for me. I was baptised when I was 30. I feel the huge difference between a beliver and a nonbeliever. It's a blessing that you have something you can believe in and depend on.


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> It's not religion per se that helps my relationship...it's the common belief that we share which admittedly is different than that of "fundamental" religion. My SO has studied theology much more than I have...it's only been within the last several years that I have expanded my horizons. If he were a dyed-in-the-wool fundamentalist, I doubt things would work between us, even though we would share a common belief in God.


You got a good point here. Common belief, with that, I don't think you guys would yell at each other" you just don't understand me at all".:smthumbup:
My husband sometimes says: a family pray together, stay together.


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Its helpful for us in a few ways:
> 
> it gives us a community in which each of us feels purposeful in our own ways.
> --I'm a theology student and my H has worked in the church.
> ...


That's what I love about America, even some people don't believe in christan, but you still share religious beliefs with other people, you have a standard to look at, a common bondary to everyone. I feel sorry for my country that people don't have such a thing to share. they don't like to trust each other.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I do not feel that "religion" helped me either in my marraige, or other relationships. I was one who, at one time, took "the Bible" a little too seriously. Didn't help that I involved myself with a church that sees everyhing in Black & White terms, they find soap opera watching sinful, listening to any secular music is wrong, if you vote Democratic, you also couldn't possibly be a "true" man or woman of "Faith". You also should speak in tongues, because if not, you have not been "filled" with the Holy Spirit as yet. 

I always felt inadequate in almost everything because of these beliefs. My inner self may have "wanted" to enjoy some things that I knew my Church frowned on (always having ready scripture to confirm these beliefs) so therefore I REPRESSED many human things (especially sexual & intellectual) that I now feel only HINDERED me in my life, my marraige and my friendships. 

I had friends of other faiths & felt I needed to show them the light. They put up with me somehow. Now I can apprecaite we have more in common than NOT & can enjoy openly discussing our differences, without trying to change one another. This, I believe, IS from God, NOT what I had before. 

I also used to want my husband to Pray more, show more Zest for God as I did, but funny thing, he has ALWAYS been more loving & patient than me anyway!! So in our house, the Unbeliever had the 'Fruits of the Spirit" while the Believer was lacking. You know something was just NOT RIGHT about that. 

No , Religion, didn't do ME any favors. I would never deny that ALOT of wisdom can be found in the Bible (Love Proverbs & the book of Ecclesiastes!) , but these days, I will be the 1st to admit " I cherry pick" scripture. Most do this anyway, they just can not see it or admit it. Why else do we have Calvinism, Lutherism, some believe in the Original Sin doctrine, some Believe Pelgeius was correct (but that makes you an unorthodox Heretic) Many contradictions in the word. Same scriptures but different interpretations. 

In my Church, if you do not believe Jesus is the son of God, you will be told Satan in Blinding you. For me, it matters not whether he was born of a virgin (a God ) or a man, but if we strive to live as he taught in those life touching parables. I would not argue with them. 

The only Religion I adhere to now is simply the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". 

This keeps me more Humble, Less Judgemental and still have a some "morality" to boot.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Greentea said:


> My husband sometimes says: a family pray together, stay together.


my family prayed together but we did not stay together. i think religion fueled the fire of dysfunction in my parents marriage. 

i think god in a relationship can be disastrous, more so to those who suffer from mental illness or who do not have a strong emotional foundation. they use it as a crux and never come to understand how they can change their own situation. they keep waiting for god's sign or something to that effect. they have horrible boundaries because they confuse what it means to be nice and loving with what it means to be codependent and abusive. the only thing religion is good for in problem marriages is to fuel the dysfunction with misunderstood concepts of forgiveness and love.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

No religion in our family, never has been and I think Jesus or God or whatever would have to come have a discussion with my husband and I directly for this to change. 

I appreciate the beliefs of others but personally find blind faith frustrating. I just can't grasp it nor do I want to.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Religion can be a constant menace in some marriages. But as long as the 'spiritual' wisdom is adopted and non of the 'religious' (intolerance/materialism/etc), it's fine.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

In some ways I think religion has hurt my marriage more than helped. I sometimes wonder if his dislike of sex comes from his christian background?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The church that the missus goes to is more towards the materialist side of christianity it seems, never heard of this 'dislike of sex', but no wild stuff like exhibitionism =( boo! 

Guess that's modern christianity for ya


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

Thank you all for your responses.
Religous or not, doesn't matter, what matters most is if we are happy with our lives. I am not pushing any religion on any one, I was just telling how I feel, and thank you all for your open minds.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> The church that the missus goes to is more towards the materialist side of christianity it seems, never heard of this 'dislike of sex', but no wild stuff like exhibitionism =( boo!
> 
> Guess that's modern christianity for ya


My husband mom brought him up in a church that teaches sex is for procreation only. His father had issues and his mom left the marriage when he was only about years old. I think with no male in the house to guide him he took the teachings of his church and his mom to heart.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sailorgirl said:


> My husband mom brought him up in a church that teaches sex is for procreation only.


If you read the 1st 2 paragraghs here, it explains some about how this came about. SEX, SIN, AND SALVATION: WHAT AUGUSTINE REALLY SAID All started with St Augustine, revered theologian, most consider him the Greatest that ever lived. A shame I say. 

And here the Sexual Animal Named Augustine: 
http://www.columbia.edu/itc/lithum/gallo/jeff2.html


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I see no evidence at all that religious people have better marriages or are less likely to be unfaithful. In fact, looking through the posts on TAM, the opposite seems to be true. 

Certainly creationism can be a handicap to a healthy marriage because it promulgates the idea that we are not animals and we are therefore not affected by evolutionary instincts. 

The fact that I know that I want to have sex with other women, not because my wife or my marriage is inadequate, but because I am driven by evolution to want to spread my genes, helps me to control myself. 

Demystifying the sexual urge helps to take away some of the appeal of an affair. If we allow ourselves to be ruled by superstition it is all too easy to think that our attraction to someone is 'destiny' or because we are with the 'wrong' person rather than a base drive that can be ignored without negative consequences.


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## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

That is good that you put your religion into practice, cause when you change your views and you change, so does the other person. I do beleive religion can chnage and make us better human beings. I try to think of the moral values everyday!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It's a double edged sword. For some couples it acts as a bond, for others it just drives them apart.

I've seen a few cases where one spouse just announces that "God told them to divorce" and the other spouse never has any hope of recovering the marriage in the face of that expression of faith in the disloyalty.

I've also seen a few cases of church leaders poaching on the wives of their church goers too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Atholk said:


> I've also seen a few cases of church leaders poaching on the wives of their church goers too.


Not just church leaders, even some christians themselves. They already see the missus as "too good for a pagan" "not where god wants her to be" etc etc and they never really respected our marriage.

Hence why I'm dragged weekly to her church so she can deter those folks a bit... bleh! Turned out she also somehow eventually thought "oh hey! I have an army ready to side with me against hubby!" and used them as easy numbers against me in the past during our disagreements heh. Thankfully that issue has been resolved.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

The divorce rate for Conservative Christians is actually higher than for atheists & agnostics. I recall seeing that as a result from a study in ~ '99 by the Barna Research Group.

Other studies have shown that religion is a major contributing factor in divorces in many areas of the USA.

This is very curious isn't it?

I am wondering if it's because of something someone already commented on in this thread: There may be a tendency to neglect real problem solving skills & "pray on it."


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I think it would if we were on the same page with religion.

But, I'm a baptist and he's a mormon - go figure, huh?


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If you read the 1st 2 paragraghs here, it explains some about how this came about. SEX, SIN, AND SALVATION: WHAT AUGUSTINE REALLY SAID All started with St Augustine, revered theologian, most consider him the Greatest that ever lived. A shame I say.
> 
> And here the Sexual Animal Named Augustine:
> http://www.columbia.edu/itc/lithum/gallo/jeff2.html


Augustine. Hate that *&^#)(&^. Completely ruined Christianity.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

jamesa said:


> Demystifying the sexual urge helps to take away some of the appeal of an affair. If we allow ourselves to be ruled by superstition it is all too easy to think that our attraction to someone is 'destiny' or because we are with the 'wrong' person rather than *a base drive that can be ignored without negative consequences.*


Emphasis mine. I strongly disagree with that statement. You cannot ignore sexuality without negative consequences. Period.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Me, I think it's helped, mainly because I'm a Pagan, she's an agnostic, and for me sex and marriage are intertwined sacraments that celebrate the union of God and Goddess. 

Besides, it helps to have holidays more or less devoted exclusively to fertility.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Atholk said:


> It's a double edged sword. For some couples it acts as a bond, for others it just drives them apart.


:iagree:

It depends on the nature and dynamic of the relationship, and the humility of each individual in it.

If you buy a religious doctrine on the outside and go to church, but you don't apply the introspection and tough self-discipline on the inside, it does no good.

If you are introspective, humble, reflective, and self-disciplined WITHOUT a religious doctrine reinforcing it, you are doing something good for your relationship.

It's possible to be religious on the outside and inside, I believe. 

But I think it is what someone does on the inside that has a greater effect on their relationship, than what they do on the outside.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

I don't know how to answer this. I would say that being loving and devoted and forgiving 77x7 hasn't helped me be any happier today than I was 10 yrs ago. But it has given me the answer whenever I'm agonizing what to do re: divorce or stay together; I know the right answer is stick it out. Like I said, though, it hasn't made it any easier to stick out. I guess it's something I struggle with.
As to the sex thing, I would consider myself Christian, but haven't been to church in years. I guess it's more of a solid base for my other beliefs about life rather than an active worship-every-week kinda thing. I don't agree with a lot of things I hear from other Christians. My rule for others is not to be judgmental, as it seems to be for so many. I am a die-hard liberal and think sex between husband and wife should be 'anything goes'. I don't claim to have all the answers, so I go with what feels right. It doesn't feel right to hate anyone, and I think it's pretty clear that once you commit to marriage, you're there for better or worse. Just hoping for the 'better' to happen soon.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes.

IF you make good in private on the things that make you look good in public.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Religion helps my marriage? No. But God, Yes!
God's been protecting my marriage. He has answered my most prayers, I might need to wait for a while to get my prayers answered, but He is always listening when I pray.
I'm not a church person but I have faith in God.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Wow. I confess to you all I have only read the first 3 posts, but I completely disagree with the sentiment that religion will 'help' since I find it to be, in the 19th c manner, a complete and utter inane distraction better suited to the Middle Ages.

My god! Can't we find ways rooted in humanism and individually high interior locus of control. Come on!

Don't rely on someone else telling what's best for you-listen and empower your own truths.


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## Tru2mself (Sep 3, 2010)

Yes I think a man will not cheat on his wife for the fear of burning in hell .


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ChrisInNOVA said:


> The divorce rate for Conservative Christians is actually higher than for atheists & agnostics. I recall seeing that as a result from a study in ~ '99 by the Barna Research Group.


That may be because atheists and agnostics have no issue with living together without being married, so they "break up" after living together for years. Data cannot possibly accurately reflect the "divorce" rate between such different groups.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

L.M.COYL said:


> Don't rely on someone else telling what's best for you-listen and empower your own truths.


So what you're saying is we shouldn't rely on someone else for the truth. In taking your advice, wouldn't that be relying on someone else?  

First law of motion teaches us that we are not the force that changes our own path.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

It should, but it doesn't always. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years, are religious, have always attended church regularly, but our marriage is miserable and is on the verge of divorce. It all depends upon the person or persons. Just because one claims to have faith does not mean they actually put that faith into practice. To be more specific, just because a couple believes the Bible, does not mean one or both of them will treat each other the way he or she should...does not mean they will seek the welfare of the other...does not mean they will put their spouses needs above their own...and does not mean they will have a close, loving relationship where they can find common ground and are able to resolve conflict in their marriage. 

If anything, the religious aspect of a person just makes their unwillingness to do their part in the relationship inexcusable... it doesn't make them the spouse they should be. I find that my opinion about "religious" men is that they "use" their religion as a reason to bully their wife into submission by thinking he is the "boss" and that what he says or thinks is the only thing that goes; therefore thinking he has the "license" to ignore her opinions; and, therefore, having no regard for her as a person at all. 

I speak by almost 20 years of experience. Religion does not make a person a good, loving spouse at all. And it does not keep the marriage from ending in divorce.


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