# Wife informed me she wants divorce. She won’t have a conversation, just wants to tell me what she expects.



## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

Hey everyone,

Going to try and keep this as concise as possible, but I’m afraid it will be long because I need to lay out the facts. Me and wife have been married for 6 years going on 7. We have a smalldaughter.

We’ve hit a real rough patch recently. Wife says she wants divorce. Not the first time, but we’ve gotten through in the past but it doesn’t seem like that’s going to be possible this time. She told me her plan was for me to leave two weeks out of the month and her to leave two weeks and we would split taking care of our child and having the house that way. (Which is absurd because it can’t just be her plan, I have to agree to it).

I’m the primary earner, and she works a part time job two days a week when I’m home. So we take it in turns taking care of our child. We aren’t wealthy but we do ok, and own our own home.

We had a loving relationship at the beginning, but ever since our child was born, the difficulties of parenting (especially during the pandemic) have taken a toll on our relationship. Not that we didn’t love each other and have gotten through tough times before, and come out stronger on the other side. She is previously divorced, and her ex was physically abusive, and she had a rough time growing up. I’ve always loved her unconditionally. I’m not sure she knows what unconditional love is, but I’m her way she has shown love and affection towards me. Unless I have done something she doesn’t like. Which has become more and more frequent. It’s not unusual for her to lash out at me verbally and call me belittling names etc. She has physically hit me before, after I’ve stood up for myself. Not that I can’t take it - I’m a big boy, but it’s the principle of the thing. I’ve always brought it up (after the physical abuse) that that’s unacceptable behavior and I won’t stand for it. But the good times have historically outweighed the bad.

A couple of years into our marriage, before I had a steady good paying job, I racked up some credit card debt, and after finally telling her about it, we came up with a plan to pay it off and did, after which I have not used the damn things as much as possible. We’ve since had successfully financed some home remodels and car purchases, using primarily my income to do. She’s helped me a lot when it comes to becoming financially independent, which I really appreciate. However, recently (last year or so) she has started taking credit for all of that herself (referring to our assets as “hers” and saying “if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t have any of this” etc). Which is only partially true, since I work my ass off making the money we need to pay for all these things. I usually let it slide, but it bothers me that she won’t give me any credit for acquiring the cash and making the effort to earn the money, or for providing for my family financially. I also do as much as I possibly can in terms of helping out around the house, with a usual day starting with me getting up at 5am cleaning the kitchen, getting our daughter up and feeding her breakfast, feeding the dogs, making my daughters lunch for school etc so my wife gets sleep as long as possible. I work hard all day, get home and do the dishes, put the next load in (there’s usually two loads at night) spending time with my daughter (while my wife takes a break from parenting) and help get my daughter to bed.

This friction came to a head last month when I had to pull the trigger on a trip that I was going on with my dad and brother. My dad’s a little messy when it comes to planning and I let him put me in the situation where I was scrambling to get plane tickets at the last minute. My wife did try to help by finding affordable tickets and let us know about them. I let my dad and brother know that we needed to go ahead and pull the trigger, but there were some mitigating circumstances that were out of my control and when I finally got confirmation from them on the dates I had to pull the trigger and buy the tix before they got even more expensive. As it happens, later that evening she asked me about the trip and if there was any updates and I told her that I had to go ahead and buy the tickets. This set her over the edge - she blew up at me and then wrote a Reddit post on the AITA thread the next day. (Reddit thread). Now granted, i understand she’s upset about the money, however I had put together the money for the trip by selling some stuff that I have lying around so it won’t come out of pocket. So just keep that in mind.
The next evening she was on her phone at the dinner table and I asked her what she was doing (we have a no phones at the table rule). She said she was on Reddit. I told her she was breaking our rule and she put the phone down. After we got her to bed, while we were in bed she was back on her phone and I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was back on Reddit again. I asked her more specifically what she was looking at on there, and she told me about the thread she created.

I wasn’t real happy about it but she assured me that it was anonymous so she could vent and not vent to people we know (so “they won’t hate you” is what she said). I said fine, and left her be. Our daughter cried out, so I got up to go sit with her in her room, and while I was sitting there I looked up her thread. Most of the responses were typical and slightly infuriating but whatever. Until I scrolled past one who’s username I recognized as a guy she previously worked with. That really ticked me off. Because at that point I knew she must have told him at least that she had made the thread, so she deceived me about the anonymous thing. So I went back to bed and laid there for three hours just silent and steaming until I got a chance to look at her phone when she went to sleep.

I looked and sure enough she had texted several people (including my sister) about the Reddit thread she made, including this scumbag guy she used to work with. As I read the text thread she had with the guy, I came across some other texts - texts about me and how I was pissing get off and that for “their birthday” (their birthdays are a week apart, and they used to celebrate them together prior to us dating) she was going to make me be their DD while they went out. They were talking about what they were going to wear, and she said she was going to wear this dress, and he responded (you make it sound fancy, have I seen that one before?). Now I’m ****ing boiling mad. This no-good SOB has an only fans page, so there’s that. I feel completely humiliated and betrayed.

So fast forward to two nights ago, when she brings up divorce and I bring up the fact that she lied to me about not sharing her Reddit post with people we know and that I know that guy saw it because I recognized his name (I didn’t say I looked at her phone). She deflected when I asked her about who else she texted that to, and she finally admitted to sending one other person (but didn’t say anything about my sister) so I know she was lying. Eventually she just said “I don’t think we should talk without a third party present. I said fine, and we went to bed not speaking to each other.

I was to make sure I have a VAR on when I’m speaking to her and use the BIFF method (brief, informative, friendly, firm) and not let her goad me into getting mad etc. which was good advice considering what was about to happen when she got home.

Ultimately, I think I’m going to go ahead and draft a separation agreement and child custody agreement so she knows I’m serious. I love her and want her to be happy, and I know she’s had a rough life prior to us being together but she has to be held accountable for her behavior. And I’m just not willin go to put up with it anymore or let my daughter be exposed to it.

Love to get y’all’s thoughts.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Going to try and keep this as concise as possible, but I’m afraid it will be long because I need to lay out the facts. Me (36YO M) and wife (35YO F) have been married for 6 years going on 7. We have a 3+YO daughter.
> 
> ...



Bud
the fact she is talking to the other guy about what is going to dress and birthday is considered cheating. the fact that she is calling a dumbass, failure and other things to that guy including your marriage problem is even worse than sleeping with him. your wife doesn't have respect for you nor looking at you as a man but someone she is buying her time until she is in a better situation. 

back to the guy
based on what you said, it appears your wife is well informed on how to use technology and how to hide her tracks. I guarantee it that she is been physical with other guy. so 100% she is in emotional and physical relation with the only fan dude. 

about if you can get a full custody, continue working with your attorney and keep the var - plan your exit well. your wife is waiting for that opportunity to take everything from you. I will not be surprised if she doesn't have a var herself. 

continue monitoring her phone, and make a copy of everything you see. separate your financials. don't SLEEP WITH HER, I repeat dont sleep with her. she could have STD from other guy or could get pregnant to take a full custody of your kids, the house, and monthly payments. 

I would've divorced my wife for only talking **** about me to her female friends, imagine to her emotional partner.


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

blackclover3 said:


> Bud
> the fact she is talking to the other guy about what is going to dress and birthday is considered cheating. the fact that she is calling a dumbass, failure and other things to that guy including your marriage problem is even worse than sleeping with him. your wife doesn't have respect for you nor looking at you as a man but someone she is buying her time until she is in a better situation.
> 
> back to the guy
> ...


Yeah I asked her point black about the texts with that guy, and she was like well here you can read em. And I straight up said he was trying to sleep with her. And the way she reacted was weird like she faked vomiting and said that it was gross etc. My ******** meter was going apeshit.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Your wife doesn't sound like a very nice person from the Reddit thread, to be honest. The stuff with the other guy is horrible too.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> Yeah I asked her point black about the texts with that guy, and she was like well here you can read em. And I straight up said he was trying to sleep with her. And the way she reacted was weird like she faked vomiting and said that it was gross etc. My ****** meter was going apeshit.


yah, appears an act - and she doing well possibly to hide it. check her the phone records and match his number. how often she talk to him. also buy another VAR and place it in her car and extra one in the house when you leave it for work. 

when you start the 180 - she is going to try everything in her power to sex you up. do not fall for it. then she will start blame shifting and do things that most annoy you. thats when she will start falling

based on your feedback and her reaction - she is been doing the guy and I will not be surprised if he recorded her or posted it on onlyfan with her face hidden. check his account from


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If I were you, I wouldn't go after the other guy. I mean, what's the end game there? It just keeps you lost in her drama. My advice would be to find the best attorney you can possibly afford who handles cases where husbands have been in physically abusive relationships with their wives, cheated on, etc and go from there.

I hope you keep the promise you made to yourself and your daughter. Welcome to TAM, btw. Please take some time to read some other threads on here that are somewhat close to your situation. There is a lot of great advice, and some have favorable outcomes that you can learn from.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I think blackclover3 offered sound advice. Follow your attorney's advice to the letter. She needs to get a fulltime job. Hopefully with your investments in the house, it can be sold and the equity split. I looked up NC laws and it looks like the amount and duration of alimony is based on a number of things including not only her earnings, but her earnings potential as well as your earnings and ability to pay. Her earnings potential should be significantly higher since she isn't working full time. You will probably pay some alimony for a few years, but that's better than prolonging the inevitable.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You sound like you are out ahead of the curve.
Concentrate on doing what you can to install additional safe guards to make sure she cannot set you up.
She sent that stuff to YOUR SISTER and she didn't tip you off.
You should consider getting a better family.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude, I would give her a notarized letter telling her that as of that moment you are nothing but co-parents. Not to communicate with you for anything that is not related to the child care and or the divorce. Text only. Start living on your own complete separate life around your child care duties. As soon as your lawyer gives you the green light, immediately separate finances, and present her with a budget to run the household. You do not longer have any duty to her as a husband, go out, be with your friends, ignore what she does for her social life. just coexist while you two are in the same house. Gray-rock/180.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Your wife has gone through divorce once. She knows the process and isn't afraid of the unknown. Your attorney will help you to navigate the process. 

Are you interested in shared custody of your daughter?


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

In Absentia said:


> Your wife doesn't sound like a very nice person from the Reddit thread, to be honest. The stuff with the other guy is horrible too.


I really appreciate that, she totally **** on my whole family in that post. She’s not a nice person. I loved her anyway. But time to tighten my belt and weather the storm…


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You will be at a huge advantage if you file first and specifically outline the physical abuse in the divorce petition.

If she files first, you saying that she was physical will simply look like you are retaliating and that will be ignored.

You need to protect yourself and your daughter to the greatest extent possible. You can always stop the divorce (not sure why you would want to) but filing first gives you the advantage.

You have more than enough reason to divorce...


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

Lila said:


> Your wife has gone through divorce once. She knows the process and isn't afraid of the unknown. Your attorney will help you to navigate the process.
> 
> Are you interested in shared custody of your daughter?


She is aware of the process but she didn’t have a child with that guy. I don’t want to share custody but I’m willing to consider it. I don’t want my daughter to turn out like her.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> She is aware of the process but she didn’t have a child with that guy. I don’t want to share custody but I’m willing to consider it. I don’t want my daughter to turn out like her.


Why wouldn't you want shared custody? 50/50 should be standard for every couple going through divorce.


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

Tdbo said:


> You sound like you are out ahead of the curve.
> Concentrate on doing what you can to install additional safe guards to make sure she cannot set you up.
> She sent that stuff to YOUR SISTER and she didn't tip you off.
> You should consider getting a better family.


If I’m ahead of the curve, it’s b/c of this forum. So thanks to everyone on here. I read on another thread to take the advice on here that works and use it to come up with strategies and tactics with your attorney. Which is what I did yesterday 😎


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

Lila said:


> Why wouldn't you want shared custody? 50/50 should be standard for every couple going through divorce.


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

re16 said:


> You will be at a huge advantage if you file first and specifically outline the physical abuse in the divorce petition.
> 
> If she files first, you saying that she was physical will simply look like you are retaliating and that will be ignored.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the tip, hadn’t thought of that.


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> I think blackclover3 offered sound advice. Follow your attorney's advice to the letter. She needs to get a fulltime job. Hopefully with your investments in the house, it can be sold and the equity split. I looked up NC laws and it looks like the amount and duration of alimony is based on a number of things including not only her earnings, but her earnings potential as well as your earnings and ability to pay. Her earnings potential should be significantly higher since she isn't working full time. You will probably pay some alimony for a few years, but that's better than prolonging the inevitable.


Yeah for sure.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> Because my wife is emotionally and psychologically abusive. And if I’m not there taking the heat it will be my daughter. I’ve witnessed it firsthand and had to step in to defend my daughter from it.


I misunderstood. I thought you didn't want to have your daughter 50% of the time. You're actually looking for full custody. 

Well, I wish you luck. It's a tough road to take full custody away from a mother, especially one who's had primary care (at least on paper) and there's no history of physical or emotional abuse towards the child.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> I loved her anyway


Just remember and understand that you loving her has nothing to do with the situation. Loving her will not solve anything.



Merrychristmaskevin said:


> Because my wife is emotionally and psychologically abusive. And if I’m not there taking the heat it will be my daughter. I’ve witnessed it firsthand and had to step in to defend my daughter from it.


If this is the case, you MUST document every form of ill treatment by her toward your daughter. Day, hour, what happened, etc., and and forward it to your lawyer each and every time immediately. You will need to create a case against her parental abuse.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Very doubtful you’ll get anything more than 50/50 custody. Zero chance of getting alimony deducted due to emotional affairs or emotional abuse, or even adultery. Your attorney should have told you that. Just get out if the relationship as best you can. 
very sorry you’re going through this.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I have some friends in NC. You will be hard pressed to get sole custody. You will have to jump over some major obstacles to have her declared an unfit mother.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

And I hope you know she's probably having a PA with the guy. She needs you out of the way.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

That reddit thread speaks volumes about how she sees you. It's one thing to be upset about the money. It's something else to set the marriage on fire over it.

Definitely get your lawyer involved and follow their instructions to a T. BIFF for real.

Oh, and the friend/former coworker? If she's not already having sex with him, it's just a matter of time.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The saddest thing about your entire story is that she is abusive and hit you, and the double standard our society has about men being abused in relationships. You should be able to call the police the next time she hits you (if there is a next time) and have her arrested for domestic violence. That would speak volumes in your divorce proceedings, and maybe would even affect custody.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You'll get 50/50 and have to pay your STBXW something for child support given the difference in your incomes.

There will be an expensive price for your freedom. But it's expensive because it's worth it.

Good luck.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Mate

remember to delete your tracks and keep your phone locked. 

yes she is not afraid to go through divorce, she tasted it once and she thinks even with a kid it will be easy. 

are you close with your sister?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I recommend you hire a P.I. who knows how to do forensic investigations on computers, cell phones, email and texts; Someone who can dig in and uncover all the things she is trying to hide. I think yould be shocked at what is found and you might be able to use it in the custody case.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I’m amazed by the totally different depictions from the Reddit thread to this one. Given this thread gives specific descriptions instead of broad statements I tend to believe this one.

Amazing to me that you bring in more of the income and do most of the household work while working longer hours yet you are depicted as a “child” on the Reddit thread. It actually reminds me a lot of my brother and his wife. He works his ass off while she does very little except gripes and complains that he doesn’t do enough to better their financial situation and acts like he’s not serious enough.

I’ve heard the same thing from her that our family is disorganized.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

CallingDrLove said:


> I’m amazed by the totally different depictions from the Reddit thread to this one. Given this thread gives specific descriptions instead of broad statements I tend to believe this one.
> 
> Amazing to me that you bring in more of the income and do most of the household work while working longer hours yet you are depicted as a “child” on the Reddit thread. It actually reminds me a lot of my brother and his wife. He works his ass off while she does very little except gripes and complains that he doesn’t do enough to better their financial situation and acts like he’s not serious enough.
> 
> I’ve heard the same thing from her that our family is disorganized.


they try to build a cause for their cheating. away to convince themselves and the ones around them that "I'm" the victim and deserve to be happy. I don't care what she post on reddit or what she calls her husband, sometimes spouses need to vent. but the fact that she is talking to other man and cheating is what bother me. 

if the poster here said, my wife posted on reddit and it is not true. I would've said there are two sides of the story here. but the fact he found out that the other man following, reply to her on reddit is F*** hell No.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Divorce her with the utmost planning, but once the plan is in place, full speed ahead. She’s a vile person.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

And do not telegraph to her what you are doing. Never ever ever tell her what you are going to do. Just do it and don’t give away any details. 

OP what you need to absorb is that your wife is now the enemy. She has shown that she is determined to stonewall you and paint you as the bad guy. So you have to go stealth mode… full on Mission Impossible mode. Lurk and sneak and dig up all the dirty evidence you can compile and turn it over to your attorney.


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

blackclover3 said:


> yah, appears an act - and she doing well possibly to hide it. check her the phone records and match his number. how often she talk to him. also buy another VAR and place it in her car and extra one in the house when you leave it for work.
> 
> when you start the 180 - she is going to try everything in her power to sex you up. do not fall for it. then she will start blame shifting and do things that most annoy you. thats when she will start falling
> 
> based on your feedback and her reaction - she is been doing the guy and I will not be surprised if he recorded her or posted it on onlyfan with her face hidden. check his account from





CallingDrLove said:


> I’m amazed by the totally different depictions from the Reddit thread to this one. Given this thread gives specific descriptions instead of broad statements I tend to believe this one.
> 
> Amazing to me that you bring in more of the income and do most of the household work while working longer hours yet you are depicted as a “child” on the Reddit thread. It actually reminds me a lot of my brother and his wife. He works his ass off while she does very little except gripes and complains that he doesn’t do enough to better their financial situation and acts like he’s not serious enough.
> 
> I’ve heard the same thing from her that our family is disorganized.


Thanks for saying this, makes me feel a little more sane in this situation.


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

Thank you to everyone who responded I really appreciate the feedback!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Going to try and keep this as concise as possible, but I’m afraid it will be long because I need to lay out the facts. Me (36YO M) and wife (35YO F) have been married for 6 years going on 7. We have a 3+YO daughter.
> 
> ...


Oh Boy Howdy sir! You must get out and get out now. She is a cheater, and would toss you under the bus in a New York minute.

You and your child deserve better.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> Yeah for sure. She ain’t got a FT job yet so I don’t know how she’s planning on paying for everything she’s going to have to pay for… In NC you have to be separated for a year before divorce can be finalized. So to to do that she’s going to have to find a FT job in the meantime which means she will have her own income prior to the divorce settlement.


Your lawyer should verify all plans, but if you can get proof of adultery in North Carolina it can be used to your advantage. Just the brief exchange on the Reddit thread with her "friend" and what you saw in texts is pretty damning. Hire a PI to get proof for you.




> How does adultery affect divorce in North Carolina?
> Adultery can have a significant effect on a North Carolina divorce. Even though North Carolina is a no-fault state, adultery or infidelity can impact alimony, child custody, and property division. Additionally, in North Carolina, adultery can serve as grounds for a divorce from bed and board.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

ArthurGPym said:


> I recommend you hire a P.I. who knows how to do forensic investigations on computers, cell phones, email and texts; Someone who can dig in and uncover all the things she is trying to hide. I think yould be shocked at what is found and you might be able to use it in the custody case.


I don’t think that having an affair is sufficient reason that the court would deny her custody. So, I am going to disagree with this advice as an unnecessary expense because I don’t see getting much useful information relevant to a custody hearing.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Just remember and understand that you loving her has nothing to do with the situation. Loving her will not solve anything.
> 
> 
> 
> If this is the case, you MUST document every form of ill treatment by her toward your daughter. Day, hour, what happened, etc., and and forward it to your lawyer each and every time immediately. You will need to create a case against her parental abuse.


Perhaps you could ask ur atty about the court ordering a psych evaluation on both of you in regards to parenting and see if you can turn over any evidence you have about her abusive personality for inclusion in a psych evaluation.

BTW, I think you should consider that she might be a Narcissist- Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). If you google the term, you can see examples of behavior of these individuals and see if you think she might fit that description. If you are going to raise a child together I think it is important that you get some understanding of any mental illness she might have whose symptoms include the abuse you have described. If you can figure that out you will be better prepared to help your daughter.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> ........married for 6 years going on 7. We have a 3+YO daughter.
> 
> .....Wife says *she wants divorce.* Not the first time, but ....... She told me her plan was for me to leave two weeks out of the month and her to leave two weeks and we would split taking care of our child and having the house that way. (Which is absurd because it can’t just be her plan, I have to agree to it).
> 
> ...


I am sorry for your situation.

A few thoughts. *Custody, Alimony and who gets what are going to be decided by a judge*. You can provide your preferences, but ultimately it has little to do with either what you want or what you think is fair and just. All you can do is work with your attorney and submit to the will of the judge.

Stop a moment and think about the fact that she entered the marriage with the house *in her name* and you now are not going to let her kick you out of *your* house (it has been refinanced and your name is on the mortgage). Sorry, again a judge is going to determine (1) whose house it is, (2) if it needs to be sold and the proceeds distributed. Do you understand how silly it sounds in comparison when you say that you are paying for the airline tickets by selling "your" car parts and how she can't kick you out of "the house you both own?" You are engaging in some wishful thinking about your car parts financing the tickets. Stop it.

Now lets get to the really serious stuff. First, you can't force her to stay married to you and no-fault divorce is how things effectively work. If she wants a divorce, she will get a divorce. You need to accept it, if that is what she absolutely wants. When she brings up divorce don't bring up other things like she lied about what she posted on line or that she is communicating with some other man. That is absolutely stupid and not going to do you any good.

Second, and I can't emphasize this point enough. *If she has actually hit you........help her get the divorce she wants*. I have had two coworkers who had wives that hit them and abused them. One was being hit by a frying pan (yes really) and he grabbed it to stop her and hit her with it, accidentally killing her. He spent over 20 years in jail and it ruined his life and his children's lives.

In the second case he was an engineer and she was drunk and told him she was having an affair and intended to divorce him. She said some horrible things to him. He said some very nasty things and she lost it; hit him in the face, broke his glasses, caused blood to go everywhere from the cuts. He restrained her in the name of self defense; held her wrists to stop her from hitting him anymore and shook her so she stopped trying to hit him. She ran into the bathroom, locked the door and call the police claiming she was afraid for her life. The police arrived shortly, Asked for her statement. Then asked him if he forcefully grabbed her wrists. He point to the blood, broken glasses, and cuts and said he had a right to self-defense. They then asked if he shook her. He said yes. They hauled him off to jail in his underwear that night, because they had no choice but to arrest one of the two in a domestic violence call, as it is the law in this state. I got a phone call the next morning to help him get some clothing and bring it to the jail, so he could leave the jail. 

In any domestic violence situation where your spouse physically hits you..........(grab your kid, if you can), but leave immediately and don't look back. Just leave as someone can easily end up in jail and that will not do your daughter any good.

If I were in your shoes, I would forget about the other man. I would also forget about trying to paint yourself as the victim and her the evil villain by gathering more evidence. If she wants a divorce and is dead set on it, there is little you can do to prevent it and frankly if she is abusive and violent, you need to end the marriage for the financial protection of your daughter.

Your life is going to get very complicated and expensive. Focus on your daughter your mental health and stay close to your attorney friend.

Good luck for you and your daughter.

P,S, You need to show you attorney this TAM Thread and the Posts you wife has made, just in case things get real ugly. You should also ask him what if anything you should or "should not" post on a public web forum.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

It will be a tough sell to convince a judge you need primary custody because your wife is abusive when you were perfectly fine with her primarily taking care of your kid while married.

Also, I don't know if your wife is genuinely abusive or not, I don't know her, but when you act like you did, like how finding out your wife is planning to have you chauffeur her on a date with another guy, and you do nothing about it, that will make even a nice girl feel unsafe, anxious, and want to start taking dumps on your head. 

If you behave like that again, not standing up for yourself on a regular basis, the next one might not cheat on you but she will end up getting rid of you at some point.


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

gaius said:


> It will be a tough sell to convince a judge you need primary custody because your wife is abusive when you were perfectly fine with her primarily taking care of your kid while married.
> 
> Also, I don't know if your wife is genuinely abusive or not, I don't know her, but when you act like you did, like how finding out your wife is planning to have you chauffeur her on a date with another guy, and you do nothing about it, that will make even a nice girl feel unsafe, anxious, and want to start taking dumps on your head.
> 
> If you behave like that again, not standing up for yourself on a regular basis, the next one might not cheat on you but she will end up getting rid of you at some point.


I don’t think I finished explaining the situation. I did stand up for myself and let her know that what she did (talking to him about us and telling me that I would chauffeur them around) was unacceptable and that I ain’t going to do it. She blew up at me and told me she hated being married to me and a bunch of other extremely mean ****. I didn’t let her goad me into a response so I just stood tall and looked her in the eye and didn’t say anything because I knew if I did it would just escalate the situation, which my gut told me would make it even worse. It’s when I stand up for myself is when she really gets emotionally and verbally abusive. Which is ********.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> I don’t think I finished explaining the situation. I did stand up for myself and let her know that what she did (talking to him about us and telling me that I would chauffeur them around) was unacceptable and that I ain’t going to do it. She blew up at me and told me she hated being married to me and a bunch of other extremely mean *. I didn’t let her goad me into a response so I just stood tall and looked her in the eye and didn’t say anything because I knew if I did it would just escalate the situation, which my gut told me would make it even worse. It’s when I stand up for myself is when she really gets emotionally and verbally abusive. Which is *****.


your wife really needs intensive therapy and obviously you both need marriage counseling. have you talked to her about this before going the divorce route?


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

TheGodfather said:


> your wife really needs intensive therapy and obviously you both need marriage counseling. have you talked to her about this before going the divorce route?


I think there is a very good chance the wife has a type B personality disorder. I am not sure marriage counseling would do any good. I really think she needs help. He needs help because he needs to recognize how he made the poor choice of getting into a relationship with someone that has her problems. He needs to figure that out so he can recognize that in a person and avoid making the same mistake again.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

She's cray cray. Keep a VAR on you at all times.


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

Update: I confronted her about texting this other scumbag. I heard her get a text and she smiled and giggled and I asked her what was up. She told me to never mind. I asked again and she finally admitted that it was the from this other guy. I told her in no uncertain terms I wasn’t ok with her texting him. I told her it was cheating and that if the situation was reversed that I know she would not be ok with me doing it. I also told her that I don’t have female friends, and that I don’t think it’s ok for her to have male friends. She came back with some ******** about it being sad that I wanted her to break it off with one of her few friends. I told her that was irrelevant, because he is a male and it’s not cool. Period. Then I asked her to stop texting him. She didn’t respond, so i pressed her to respond. She said I’ll have to think about it. I said I expect her answer one way or the other by tomorrow.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> She said I’ll have to think about it. I said I expect her answer one way or the



Dude, C'mon, why are you still asking her about **** with other men? You're supposed to file for divorce and be moving on. 

Can't you realize that your "wife" has not respect for you, nor is she intending to stop whatever is that she's doing with this dude or whoever?

Why are you showing her that you care? Do you realize that it makes you look pathetic in her eyes. 

Just the sole fact that she was force to tell you that she was going to think about it should clearly tell how low in the totem you are as far as she is concerned.

So, STOP caring, getting involved with her, pitifully arguing. You are only disrespecting yourself. Serve her with divorce papers already. You should already be of the frame of mind that she's not longer your wife, and she can do whatever in her personal life.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I thought you were divorcing her?


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

In my state you cant file for divorce until the 366th day of separation.


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

Thanks for the replies everyone


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

She is cheating and in love with him


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> Then I asked her to stop texting him. She didn’t respond, so i pressed her to respond. She said I’ll have to think about it.


Seriously, if my wife had to think about it after I gave her a 'him or me' ultimatum, I'd pack up her stuff, toss it out the door and tell her to go live with the OM. The disrespect from her is over the top.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Diceplayer hahahah

I agree, i cant believe she told me she will think about it LOOL. dude, if you told your wife you will think about stopping talking to a woman she would *** up. 

the reason in the first place she is doing what she is doing is because of your reaction. she knows you cant do anything - are you for real? basically what happened here is she chose the guy over you


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Diceplayer said:


> Seriously, if my wife had to think about it after I gave her a 'him or me' ultimatum, I'd pack up her stuff, toss it out the door and tell her to go live with the OM. The disrespect from her is over the top.


I wouldn't ever ask a woman to choose. I think that asking "him or me" is debasing yourself in value. Supposedly she chose you when she married you. I would simply immediately dump her, period. 

I have sufficient pride, self respect, and dignity to ask a woman that is not interested to stay with me.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> In my state you cant file for divorce until the 366th day of separation.



so, have you already filed for the separation agreement, so that you can start the countdown, or are you going around in circles in your mind about it? the important thing is to show her that you mean business.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> Then I asked her to stop texting him. She didn’t respond, so i pressed her to respond. *She said I’ll have to think about it.*


That's all you need to know. 

You don;t need an answer from her. The above _is_ her answer.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> Update: I confronted her about texting this other scumbag. I heard her get a text and she smiled and giggled and I asked her what was up. She told me to never mind. I asked again and she finally admitted that it was the from this other guy. I told her in no uncertain terms I wasn’t ok with her texting him. I told her it was cheating and that if the situation was reversed that I know she would not be ok with me doing it. I also told her that I don’t have female friends, and that I don’t think it’s ok for her to have male friends. She came back with some ****** about it being sad that I wanted her to break it off with one of her few friends. I told her that was irrelevant, because he is a male and it’s not cool. Period. Then I asked her to stop texting him. She didn’t respond, so i pressed her to respond. She said I’ll have to think about it. I said I expect her answer one way or the other by tomorrow.


She acts as if she is not even your wife, nor does she think she has to show you any respect. 

It is over friend. Call it a day and file for divorce. No saving this one. Once a woman loses respect for her partner it never comes back. Ever.


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## Merrychristmaskevin (8 d ago)

I appreciate all the responses.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Hope you are doing well.
Have you had separation papers drawn up yet?

good luck, stay strong, and do what is best for you and your child, meaning get away from the cheating wife ASAP!


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Merrychristmaskevin said:


> I don’t think I finished explaining the situation. I did stand up for myself and let her know that what she did (talking to him about us and telling me that I would chauffeur them around) was unacceptable and that I ain’t going to do it. She blew up at me and told me she hated being married to me and a bunch of other extremely mean *. I didn’t let her goad me into a response so I just stood tall and looked her in the eye and didn’t say anything because I knew if I did it would just escalate the situation, which my gut told me would make it even worse. It’s when I stand up for myself is when she really gets emotionally and verbally abusive. Which is *****.


 This sounds EXACTLY like my wife. You’re the villain, always, and they’re the victim. Defend yourself and you end up met with a barrage of noise and insults. Rinse and repeat.


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