# What do you tell the betrayed?



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

The other day I found out this lady(very kind) who I used to work with just recently found out her hubs had been having affairs for all six years of their marriage. I know what she is going through. I know it's none of my business but I still want to beat the hell out of him. But how can I when I did not beat the hell out of my wife and wanted to? I mean is this a vicarious situation? If it is perhaps I should keep a distance. There are many levels of betrayal and I think mine scrapes the top. There are not many that had their spouse create profiles out on hook-up sites to use as a public image to family and friends for her false justification to leave me. I might easily channel the anger too much. I would like to say something to her but the rage might take over. Be there as a friend or just back away?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Augusto said:


> The other day I found out this lady(very kind) who I used to work with just recently found out her hubs had been having affairs for all six years of their marriage. I know what she is going through. I know it's none of my business but I still want to beat the hell out of him. But how can I when I did not beat the hell out of my wife and wanted to? I mean is this a vicarious situation? If it is perhaps I should keep a distance. There are many levels of betrayal and I think mine scrapes the top. There are not many that had their spouse create profiles out on hook-up sites to use as a public image to family and friends for her false justification to leave me. I might easily channel the anger too much. I would like to say something to her but the rage might take over. Be there as a friend or just back away?


Your call, but I sure would have liked to talk to someone that had gone through it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She did that to you? I would have sued her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Invite her to TAM and CWI. _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Let her know you've experienced it, and if she needs a place to vent or a sounding board you are available. I also like Matts suggestion of inviting her to TAM.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Augusto said:


> The other day I found out this lady(very kind) who I used to work with just recently found out her hubs had been having affairs for all six years of their marriage. I know what she is going through. I know it's none of my business but I still want to beat the hell out of him. But how can I when I did not beat the hell out of my wife and wanted to? I mean is this a vicarious situation? If it is perhaps I should keep a distance. There are many levels of betrayal and I think mine scrapes the top. There are not many that had their spouse create profiles out on hook-up sites to use as a public image to family and friends for her false justification to leave me. I might easily channel the anger too much. I would like to say something to her but the rage might take over. Be there as a friend or just back away?



It sounds as if you really want to be supportive and that is admirable. 

Are you in a place where you can do that without projecting? Letting her know about online resources and maybe even suggesting helpful books might be a safer bet right now.

If you do go in as a friend, it is about her. She may choose to do something that you wouldn't, go against your advice repeatedly...Are you up for that?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm worried more about a rebound romance developing.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I'm worried more about a rebound romance developing.


If they're both going to divorce, I see no harm. If they are going to reconcile, just point her to TAM.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Rebounds are dangerous. There can be plenty harm.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Rebounds are dangerous. There can be plenty harm.



There can be if they think they are soulmates. But if they can understand they are just both in a scary place together and enjoy it for what it is while it lasts, then it can be fun.


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

You should probably stay out of it, or you might end up in too much drama--both theirs and your own (especially if you're still married!).


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I have these friends, husband and wife, that are very religious. (I am not that devout). Not that it makes any difference what others should think, but just after my separation, I was invited over for dinner. I was kind of embarrassed to go, wondering what they would think of my situation. 

When I got there, I was trying to slink into the background. Feeling uncomfortable. My friend sensed my unease, and all he said was three words that made me feel better.

"these things happen."
Then he gave me one of those awkward man hugs, and his wife came over and did the same.

So, my point is...sometimes you don't have to say much at all. Just letting someone know you feel what they are going through is enough to keep thier spirits. That all thier grief and confusion isn't all on them to bear if they feel overwhelmed. And that understanding is just around the corner if they reach that point.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Aaawwww. Man hug.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Invite her to TAM and CWI.


I've done that several times. Nobody became a regular but I know a couple have visited and lurked.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

you guys are nuts.....i have no intention of dating her


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> I'm worried more about a rebound romance developing.


:banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

If she wants to reach out, first establish you know what she is going through, and would be there to help talk to her. In a non-flirting way. 

And here are a couple suggestions:
Don't try to say you had the worst affair. It's not a competition you want to be in, and it certainly not one you want to win. 
Secondly, never make a decision based entirely off of your rage. Don't ask me why I suggest this, just trust me. Decisions made in a fit of rage will often not help.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Augusto

It would have been a relief to be able to talk to someone who has suffered from infidelity. I wanted to talk to my sister who I can tell anything. Five days before we were going to meet to talk I find out she has been cheating on her husband for fourteen years! I was sick and crushed that she could be the other woman. I felt if she would support anyone it would be my WW. However, I met with her and let her know what happened. I was shocked when she became mad at my WW! Where is the logic in this that my sister is mad at my WW? Anyway, I had wanted to talk to my cousin also, only today he tells me he is in an affair with a married woman! He is actually my WW's cousin but we are close. So now I feel I have nobody to talk to. 

If I were you I would let her know you have been through this. She may talk and may not but she may just feel relieved to hear that she isn't the only person this has happened too. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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