# In need of support...pls help



## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I find myself sitting at my desk at work, with a load of things to do and my attention span is nill. My every thought is consumed by my ex; even though we have had no communication in a couple of weeks. Long story short, he had emotional affairs during the time we were together and everything got way out of hand between the two of us. I kicked him out and told him to lose all of my information (i.e. I never wanted to hear/see him again). He has done just that. I am crying at my desk thinking of him...just broke down and called him at work and told him I just wanted to hear his voice, to which I got an "aight" and we hung up. I miss him everyday and while I thought it would get easier at some point, I have obviously not reached that point. I miss him and the idea of everything we could/should/would have had. I never wanted a life with ANYONE else the way that I did with him. He blames me and I blame him and while I know we can never be together again because I can not just put the past behind us (I do not trust him), I do not have the energy to move on either; and it keeps me trapped basically obsessing over someone that does not want me anymore and/or wants others and is willing to gives others the time, I feel should have been dedicated to me. I have gotten a part time job; so I am almost constantly at work from 6:30am to 7:30pm, but when I am home (the home I built for us) alone, my mind is just constantly consumed by what happened, why, who he is with now, what he is doing, why could it not have been me...when I talk it out to myself, I can think rationally through it all, but in the end I basically blame myself for loving too hard and too long, for giving my all to someone that I thought wanted it (even though he probably did not deserve it). I was trying to anxiously to make our life worth all it was in my dreams.

Please help. My life was him for so long, I totally lost myself in him and now I don't take enjoyment from anything anymore. I know he has moved on, but I don't know how to. I feel sad, lonely, alone, discouraged, defeated, hurt, confused, angry, depressed, etc.

How do I start to rebuild? I went to a phsychologist and he basically told me that I had 20 million things wrong with me...so now what-I do not have the money to deal with everything he said and he doesn't even do long term counselling--besides in one 45 minute visit can you really diagnose me with all the things this man said?!? it all seems hopeless.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

christmaslady,

You have to start with this -- only you are responsible for your happiness. No one else is period. You need to think about who you want to be -- not who will go with you (that is after who you want to be).

It is hard going through what many of us here are going through. but you can't give up. Just remember it starts with a baby step, then keeps growing.

Start exercising, list out things you've always wanted to do and didn't for one reason or another and work toward doing them. You've got to put yourself out there. 

Believe me it will work in time. I felt a lot like you a year ago. Sure I still have my moments of weakness, etc., but they become fewer and further between.

But again, you and only you can do this. Good luck!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

christmaslady said:


> I find myself sitting at my desk at work, with a load of things to do and my attention span is nill. My every thought is consumed by my ex; even though we have had no communication in a couple of weeks. Long story short, he had emotional affairs during the time we were together and everything got way out of hand between the two of us. I kicked him out and told him to lose all of my information (i.e. I never wanted to hear/see him again). He has done just that. I am crying at my desk thinking of him...just broke down and called him at work and told him I just wanted to hear his voice, to which I got an "aight" and we hung up. I miss him everyday and while I thought it would get easier at some point, I have obviously not reached that point. I miss him and the idea of everything we could/should/would have had. I never wanted a life with ANYONE else the way that I did with him. He blames me and I blame him and while I know we can never be together again because I can not just put the past behind us (I do not trust him), I do not have the energy to move on either; and it keeps me trapped basically obsessing over someone that does not want me anymore and/or wants others and is willing to gives others the time, I feel should have been dedicated to me. I have gotten a part time job; so I am almost constantly at work from 6:30am to 7:30pm, but when I am home (the home I built for us) alone, my mind is just constantly consumed by what happened, why, who he is with now, what he is doing, why could it not have been me...when I talk it out to myself, I can think rationally through it all, but in the end I basically blame myself for loving too hard and too long, for giving my all to someone that I thought wanted it (even though he probably did not deserve it). I was trying to anxiously to make our life worth all it was in my dreams.
> 
> Please help. My life was him for so long, I totally lost myself in him and now I don't take enjoyment from anything anymore. I know he has moved on, but I don't know how to. I feel sad, lonely, alone, discouraged, defeated, hurt, confused, angry, depressed, etc.
> 
> How do I start to rebuild? I went to a phsychologist and he basically told me that I had 20 million things wrong with me...so now what-I do not have the money to deal with everything he said and he doesn't even do long term counselling--besides in one 45 minute visit can you really diagnose me with all the things this man said?!? it all seems hopeless.


Christmaslady, if you have made your mind up that it is truly over then you are grieving, in exactly the same way as if your husband had actually passed away. But it’s more than that as well.

But the grieving process is a well understood and documented process. It truly helped me to understand the process I was going through. Google it so you can understand what you are going through, it does help to know. It is so tough at the beginning. I’m a man but I lit a log fire and filled the room with candles and incense and that really helped me out for a while.

I’m ten months our from my separation. My emotions stabilised somewhat after 6 months, it took that long. I still have tears come into my eyes at unexpected moments like when I’m washing up or shopping at the supermarket. But I’ve learnt that it passes and say to myself “this too shall pass”.

You need good friends at times like these, someone whose been through stuff and knows the value of listening without judging.

Nothing in life prepares us for this sort of thing. I wish you well, I really do.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

christmaslady said:


> How do I start to rebuild? I went to a phsychologist and he basically told me that I had 20 million things wrong with me...so now what-I do not have the money to deal with everything he said and he doesn't even do long term counselling--besides in one 45 minute visit can you really diagnose me with all the things this man said?!? it all seems hopeless.


Cast out of your mind what the guy said. He sounds exceptionally judgemental.

You're doing exceptionally well with two jobs at a time like this. But you will need alone time and you will need to be with friends or family. In your alone time cosset yourself. I don’t know why but candles and incense helped me so much. I used to keep a red candle burning by the side of my bed through the night and an incense stick alight. I had two candles burning on the kitchen windowsill and they were kind of a welcome when I got back home.

Bob


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

so sorry for your loss my dear. although you cant see it yet... life ahead is going to be good! You're in the most difficult part right now - learning to stand on your own two feet emotionally. When we love someone we become dependent on them and we do just as you said - we lose ourselves in the relationship. Slowly your identity begins to be based on your role in the relationship. Then because of our human nature when someone says goodbye we tend to want them even more. Nobody likes to be alone but its the only way that you will be able to find yourself again. I know youre feeling unwanted, broken, lost and abandoned but dont be quick to forget about the support you do have (family & friends) and try to see this opportunity as a freedom passage to the unknown. Practice some self soothing and remind yourself that you were somebody before and that somebody is still there inside of you. 
I agree - you are responsible ultimately for your happiness so why waste opportunity to be happy again? why not pick yourself up and believe... really BELIEVE that you can and will make a new, fun and exciting life for yourself now. Maybe love is in your future as well but until then try to focus on spending some time grieving enough to close that door but remind yourself that your new life door is waiting ahead to be opened!!! =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

ps... sounds like a crappy insensitive counselor. find one that will help u focus on small goals rather than all at once!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Thank you all for your posts and support. I HEAR you and I am listening. I did have a MAJOR set back shortly after posting...i did call him and we did meet. He is still blaming me and I am still saying everything I felt was/is human nature when put in those situations. Either way, i know that it is not the relationship I need for a lifetime; so the journey begins anew again; just hit the reset button in a matter of hours, but I am going to try to get through this. I can rationally think and speak the whole thing through and I know it is not the right one for me...I just miss him so much. To hear someone say that it is like mourning; it very much is. when I told him to leave, shortly after that I felt that in a sense he was dead to me (not trying to be mean but the man I knew/loved is not the man I see today). Even when I saw him today; yes, I got emotional but he truly does not look like the man I love and cared for for so long. I hope this reset will be better and longer.

I do not know what I like, he's been around half my life...I know I like to travel but I don't have the money to do it. I don't really have a close knit supportive team; which was part of my reasoning for joining this forum. My family is judgemental and/or feel that I need to do what they have done etc. and I do not really have any friends. He felt that was a lot of our problem, because I was focusing too much on him-really the problem was he didn't want me to focus on him because he was being deceitful. I still love him, I do; but I know that it will never truly work for us...there has been too much damage without accountability.

As for the counselor; yeah, haven't gone back to him...he probably needs a counselor himself.

Again, thank you all for being there. I am sure I will have more posts again soon; as I go through this process. and I do recognize it as a process...it is just I have never been in this situation before (at this level) and I have never felt so out of control.

Best wishes...BIG HUGS!!!!

I think I will definitely try the candles and incense. I too like candles and incense. Maybe some instrumental relaxation CD's..the house is too quiet.


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