# my marriage is a crazy mess - pt. 2



## jhou88 (Feb 5, 2010)

Here is the rest. We got married fast. I was already 30, coming from an immigrant, traditional values background (I am born and raised here), my parents were fighting with me everyday to just get married to anyone. That's exactly what I did, he came out of nowhere, and he wanted to marry me. After agonizing for years that I wasn't finding anyone, finally someone wanted to marry me. 
My husband is a compulsive and persuasive liar. What I didn't find out about until after we were engaged was that his father was on his 3rd marriage. By then, it was too late and I decided to not make a big deal of it. I turned it around into a good thing, surely with the troubled history he had, he would make sure and put in the extra effort to make sure it didn't happen to him right? 
Found out 6 months after we were married that he had a married girlfriend the whole time. But what makes it somehow even more disgusting was that he introduced me to her as his friend, she came to all the wedding events, with her husband, sometimes alone. She came to my house, she met my parents, she came to our house. I was never comfortable with her, but I was in love with my charmer husband. Our first 6 months of marriage were not good - he seemed as though he was distracted all the time, not really present, I had to repeat myself before he would respond - including on our 'honeymoon'. He was communicating with her the entire time on our honeymoon. When he came back he continued his relationship with her (sexual). 
I put a stop to it with quite some determination and effort. But I couldn't divorce him, how could I? I had just gotten married and everyone else was finally happy and off my back. I reasoned that we got married so quickly and it was partly my fault for not asking him more questions.
Later I found out about the lies upon lies. His house was in foreclosure - from before we got married, we had to move out shortly afterwards. He made half the salary he had told me. He told me he has a college degree and he does not. He had slept with other married woman along with his married girlfriend. He stopped talking to his married girlfriend, but continued going behind my back with other woman - I don't know if sexually, but definitely inappropriately, as in for drinks, flirty emails. Still I could see he was trying. 
His father is now divorced 3 times, and has an anger management problem. The entire family has picked on me, bullied me, and called me names. I am not as aggressive as them and I am soft-spoken. They are angry aggressive people, as is my husband. The fil has fought with me and with my mother. He demanded that I go out with him for lunch quite a few times. He calls my mother when my father is not there. All in the guise of just trying to be close and having good relations. So of course it makes us look bad if we don't like it. My husband gets mad at me if I don't like it. But sometimes he is understanding. He is not all bad. There have been physical incidents where he has pushed me or grabbed me hard. But not hitting me. His sister and brother are rude angry people who have as I said bullied me and called me names. 
I truly don't deserve any of this as I have tried everything possible to be a perfect wife and daughter in law and sister in law. I feel I have aged 10 years in the last 3. I want children, but not with my husband. I should divorce him right? It's just that I want kids so badly and I am already 34.
He is prone to anger and I constantly have to choose my words carefully so he won't go off on me. No one in the family has been able to maintain good relations with their other family members because of the way they are. In short, it's not just me. My husband does try sometimes and he is not all bad. What should I do? should I leave? But I want kids, what if this is my only chance to have them?


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## krpen71 (Feb 5, 2010)

I can't believe your even considering having kids in this relationship.


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## blacksage (Apr 28, 2009)

Divorce. Women are having kids later in life these days. I dont think there is anything salvageable here...so sorry.


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## bchin (Feb 5, 2010)

Oh my goodness, you must be latina, or greek. That your parents are on your back about you wedding. First of all, you need to take the reigns, this is your life, it seems as if you're so worried about pleasing everyone, you wont even stand up for yourself, without thinking what will others think. You only get one shot at life, Live wisely. I too am soft spoken, but when it comes to my happiness, its all about me. Im not gonna die tomorrow and think,,, I could have done something to live a happier life, a fuller life, and instead i allowed others to live for me. At first I didnt understand why you had begun with that first part of your FIL but now I get it. Youre fishing for all the negative things, things that really don't have much importance in your relationship, because you are trying to justify what we all fear.... leaving him, posibly being alone, not finding someone in time to have a child with. I hear you loud and clear. Im almost 33 and my clock is ticking, only thing is Im hitting the snooze button, cuz I too am unsure, or should I say sure that I do not want to have a child with my guy. I've been so entertained viewing others posts, that I have not been able to post my own story. But the more I read, and read the threads and responses of people that are partial to these posts, I can see clearly that I have to break up with my man. 
You need to realize you married into this huge lie, don't you feel at all betrayed? How can you trust anything that comes out of his mouth at this point? Did he come forward with his cheating or was he caught? Either way, you fell in love with someone else. My guy also has anger problems, his dad is on his fourth wife who is 20 years younger than him, and she used to be best friends of my FIL's children, (my guy, and his two sisters) and let me tell you, its done a number on them, even though they are in denial. I blame this for my guy's anger and hate. We rarely see my FIL but when we do I can't help but notice, this will be my guy in a few years, they talk the same, their ideas and stupid remarks are the same and they even look alike. I have decided that is not what i want for my life. I do not want to live like that.
But the more time we waste with these losers the closer we get to not being able to concieve. Im prepared for adoption if needed, its sad to think we dont want children from the men, we say , or think we love. Hope this helps.


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## sameoldstory (Dec 12, 2009)

Is this really the environment you want to raise children in? I understand your age is weighing heavily on you and the thought of meeting a suitable mate could take years. There are alternatives these days...

Believe me when I tell you that having children will only amplify existing problems with your husband and the existing problems seem pretty serious. Think about this from another prospective, would it be better to have kids and eventually file for divorce after you've had enough of the lying or take a chance and begin your search to find the right one?


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## jhou88 (Feb 5, 2010)

Thank you bchin, for your answer, it was really helpful. To answer your question, no he did not admit his cheating, I found out on my own, and when I tried to deal with it with him, he was in denial that he had done anything wrong, he tried to blame me and my high standards and wanting everything to be perfect. He didn't take responsibility and didn't make any effort to make up for it. I put a stop to it by telling her husband. 
You are right that I don't stand up for myself, others have said this to me too. 
As for your situation, the way you describe your fiance sounds exactly like my husband. My husband looks like my fil, talks like him, has the same personality, and even worse, looks up to him. It's something I noticed more and more as time went on. Now when I see him, I sometimes see my fil, and see my fil in him in 30 years. 
If your fil-to-be is married 4 times, and especially in such a bad situation, ie. someone his kids age who especially were friends with his kids, your situation doesn't sound too good. It sounds a lot like mine, and I kick myself everyday for not realizing what a huge red flag it was that my fil was married 3 times. I tried to be open-minded about it, instead of being smart. 
Before getting married, my husband said all the right things about not wanting his kids to have divorced parents, like he did, and that his marriage would not end in divorce. His actions said something else completely. He was sleeping with a married woman when he said that! I wish I wasn't blinded by his words, and looked objectively at him and his life and his family. At 32 and not married, you are in a much better place to find someone else than I am. I don't know how well your fiance treats you, but honestly, the thing about your fil scares me and I hope you don't fall into the same trap I did. Good luck.


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## bchin (Feb 5, 2010)

Dear Jhou88,
Sorry I didnt get back sooner, Ive been trying to fix my own relationship. On top of it all, I have to change my username, since I think my fiance is spying on my computer and I made my username a little too obvious thinking I could later change it or that he'd never go into these sites. Yes, its that bad! 
My fiance is a little controlling and I tried breaking up with him but it was useless. Im still here, more soft spoken than ever. 
Any how, going back to you. Your response did not surprise me one bit. The fact that he would turn this all on you, incredible. I can totally relate, my fiance gets defensive and will find someway to turn it on me, leaving me totally confused and at times apologizing. LOL, 
He is a very inteligent man and knows how to manipulate me. 
I even told him about not wanting to be with someone like his father who he was slowly but surely turning into. He cried and begged me not to leave him, that he did not want to be his father either and hated that. But that he had no one to help him. To please stay with him to work on this. Again, here I am. I'll have to shoot you a line after I've established my new identity. Hope your doing well. Anything new with you? How was your Valentines day?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Bancroft. It will help you learn how to deal with such men.


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## jhou88 (Feb 5, 2010)

bchin said:


> Dear Jhou88,
> Sorry I didnt get back sooner, Ive been trying to fix my own relationship. On top of it all, I have to change my username, since I think my fiance is spying on my computer and I made my username a little too obvious thinking I could later change it or that he'd never go into these sites. Yes, its that bad!
> My fiance is a little controlling and I tried breaking up with him but it was useless. Im still here, more soft spoken than ever.
> Any how, going back to you. Your response did not surprise me one bit. The fact that he would turn this all on you, incredible. I can totally relate, my fiance gets defensive and will find someway to turn it on me, leaving me totally confused and at times apologizing. LOL,
> ...


Hi bchin, not sure if you're still around, but thanks for your response. This line that you said " my fiance gets defensive and will find someway to turn it on me, leaving me totally confused and at times apologizing. LOL, 
He is a very inteligent man and knows how to manipulate me." describes my husband word for word. He wins every fight we have with me somehow apologizing in the end, but confused. I heard my husband say many times he didn't want to be like his father. But then, he emulates him in so many ways. His father is very controlling, and my husband somehow ends up doing what his father wants. I think in these cases, actions speak louder than words. Don't look at what your fiance is saying, but how he behaves. If he behaves like his father, or agrees with him on a lot of things, those are things to look for rather than the once in a while sentiments about how he doesn't want to turn out like him. Your fiance sounds controlling and manipulative, as is my husband. One thing i can say is that my husband is not the type to spy on my computer - but it's almost like it's because he really doesn't care what I'm doing either way. Has your fiance ever cheated or been inappropriate with another woman? 
I'm realizing more and more that, while I don't mind being subjected to him or his family - I can deal with it, I've managed to keep it at some level of normal, but I cannot subject children to it. I have to give myself the chance to find someone I like and maybe have kids with. If it doesn't happen, at least I will have tried and I can say it just wasn't meant to be. But I think I am at a point where I would rather be married to someone else and never have kids, then stay with my husband and have kids.


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