# Wife says I have a "pass"



## Beanlaw (Aug 16, 2011)

Im going to try to put it in point form for ease of reading. 

*Married 6 years, got married 5mths after meeting her and had our first child right after (was pregnant when we got married).

*never lived together before getting married.

* She is asian im white ( cultural differances) 

* Had sex frequently before were married but almost immideatly after it dropped drastically. I dont think we were ever "in love" when we got married... more in lust.

*had sex approx 5-7 times a year after our son was born but for some reason I kept thinking it would get better.

* we have gone to 30+ MC sessions with 3 different councelers, Iv worked on issues she had about me (i.e going out too much with friends however she has done nothing to work on hers.

* She says she isnt the intimate type of person and will never be, she comes up with every reason to avoid giving any type of affection but when I call her on it she gets defensive and "shuts down".

* Had another child at about yr 5 of marriage.. I knew things wernt getting better (we were roomates) but I really wanted a little girl, and I got my little princess 

* She has gained ALOT of weight and has stopped careing at all about herself. She is on anti-depressants and alot of other medication but IMO she over exagerates her conditions to her Dr. to get more medication, I dont know how to explain it but it seems she is CONSTANTLY sick with something or another all the time. I think its an excuse to lay on the couch all day and not have to take care of our kids. 

* We live with her parents, we had a great little townhouse that I loved but she refused to do any housekeeping or cooking... NOTHING.. I work 12hrs of a stressful shift and I was having to come home and take care of all the house keeping duties. I got really burned out and I couldnt keep up with the housework. She started spending alot of time at her parents beacuse I works nights as well (I didnt mind) but it started seeming like she was relying on her parents too much. Her parents started to not be able to afford their house (immigrants + no pension etc) so we moved in to help them, they provide child care when we work and we pay all the bills. 
I got really depressed at first over the arrangment but really started liking staying here, her mom helps cook and clean and I love having a dinner with all of the family everyday. Her parents like it beacuse they dont have to work anymore and her mother loves the kids. They dont get involved in the relationship so there is no issue with them.

* A couple months ago my wife called me at work and said she doesnt think the relationship is working and asked if I wanted a divorce. I said we could work through it and things will get better. etc etc and that ended the conversation. Im not worried about her cheating or anything as she never leaves the hosue, I try and get her to go out with her friends but she makes excuses. She no longer wants to go out anywhere with me either. 

* We have sex on average once every 2-3 mths ... I have alot of anger towards her beacuse of this. She says its not me and its nothing im doing wrong she just doesnt want sex or kind of touching. Im a very physical guy and it hurts my self esteem alot. 

* Iv been very depressed the last year beacuse of our marriage, I would never end my life but when I lay in bed I cant stop thinking about it. I dont want to see anyone about this beacuse it may limit my future career paths. Im also sure I know why im depressed so Its something I can deal with asid from medication or whatever. And in the end spending time with my kids always makes me feel good, If I could be a stay at home dad I would be in a heartbeat.

* She has stated several times that I have a "free pass". I initally dismissed it but its come up numerous times over the last year and im starting to think its not a joke. As much as I would love to get it somewhere else it hurts even more knowing she doesnt care that I am. 

* I dont think I love her anymore (or ever did) and she has started to become everything I dislike in a person. She wont take accountablity for herself and is becoming more and more lazy as the days go on. Im a very active person and find that I have to do the things I love to do (running, swimming, working out, hiking ...) alone. I also push myself very hard to get better both physically and educationally and she doesnt seemd to care. I know its not an excuse but with our shared debt I dont know If I can afford to seperate at the moment. 

Sorry its kinda scattered Im on nightshift and getting a little loopy. I know we arnt good together and im not sure why I even started this thread but I was hoping someone could give me some advice on what to do.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

You said you are depressed... I think she might be as well. She might have low self-esteem and a fear of intimacy as well. I would suggest maybe a hobby or something you do together tn encourage bonding. If she doesn't want to change, you can change the way you see the situation and that may help. Focus on her positive qualities and make sure she knows what you do love and appreciate about her. Make sure she knows she is loved and accepted, not just tolerated. Try romance in small doses - it is my experience that big one-time gestures can seem insincere and manipulative. Keep going to counseling, keep working on you and support/praise even the tinest improvements she makes. Be sincere, be kind. She probably doesn't feel very good about herself... Best of luck to you both!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beanlaw (Aug 16, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> You said you are depressed... I think she might be as well. She might have low self-esteem and a fear of intimacy as well. I would suggest maybe a hobby or something you do together tn encourage bonding. If she doesn't want to change, you can change the way you see the situation and that may help. Focus on her positive qualities and make sure she knows what you do love and appreciate about her. Make sure she knows she is loved and accepted, not just tolerated. Try romance in small doses - it is my experience that big one-time gestures can seem insincere and manipulative. Keep going to counseling, keep working on you and support/praise even the tinest improvements she makes. Be sincere, be kind. She probably doesn't feel very good about herself... Best of luck to you both!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She def has issues with her self esteem but she has also not done anything to improve them. We get along fine and I think I treat her well (we goto the mountains a couple times a year, go on dates) she has said it isnt anything that im doing wronge but she just doesnt want to be involved at all in that part of the relationship.


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## JohnMcCloud (Aug 15, 2011)

Beanlaw said:


> She def has issues with her self esteem but she has also not done anything to improve them. We get along fine and I think I treat her well (we goto the mountains a couple times a year, go on dates) she has said it isnt anything that im doing wronge but she just doesnt want to be involved at all in that part of the relationship.


Is she Korean or Chinease. Not to over generalize, but your story is not out of sync with many men with Korean wives. When she says you have a pass, likely as not she means it. It is not unusual for Korean husbands to have lady friends as their wives no longer seek intimacy with their husbands. I am stereotyping and will get flamed I am sure, but personal experience will teach you a few things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Beanlaw said:


> She def has issues with her self esteem but she has also not done anything to improve them. We get along fine and I think I treat her well (we goto the mountains a couple times a year, go on dates) she has said it isnt anything that im doing wronge but she just doesnt want to be involved at all in that part of the relationship.


And one big thing to remember about women, they can't love you if they don't love themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beanlaw (Aug 16, 2011)

JohnMcCloud said:


> Is she Korean or Chinease. Not to over generalize, but your story is not out of sync with many men with Korean wives. When she says you have a pass, likely as not she means it. It is not unusual for Korean husbands to have lady friends as their wives no longer seek intimacy with their husbands. I am stereotyping and will get flamed I am sure, but personal experience will teach you a few things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Chinese but she is pretty westernised <sp?> almost everything else in our marriage is going great but it feels like there is no love at all (she thinks everything is fine between us). I feel a deeper emotional connection with my truck than her lol (I really love my truck).


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think you need to either fix the marriage or ove on.

You would be setting a terrible example for your children 9and don't fool yourself into thinking they will never know and it won't impact them).

You risk forming an emotional connection to someone and mving on from the marriage anyway.

I think any one (man or woman) who really means their wedding vows will not ever look outside their marriage or invite someone else in. It's not OK to to say, I love you so much and would never do anything to jepordise my marriage... unless you suggest it:scratchhead:. 

Don't stay miserable in a sexless marriage either. You should start with IC and give your wife some ultimatums that you mean.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The concept of a 'pass' cannot work.
It can't work becuase if you develop an emotional connection to another woman, you are betraying your wife, and if you decide not to build an emotional connection to a woman you are having sex with, you are not treating her fairly.

You should rebuild a sexual and loving connection to your wife. Yes, it can be done.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

She sounds highly extremely deeply emotionally distressed. Depression plus twelve.
The meds then simply make a person "not care" about whats happening to them, hence the unwillingness to do anything about whats being considered as "nothing wrong".

The doctor prescribing these needs to know. Can you call him, find a means to discuss the issue with him? My wife was very similar to yours in terms of being depressed, weight issues, lack of intimacy for severely long periods of time. 
But then she goes to the doc and says she needs meds for anxiety. Anxiety?? not quite the appropriate symptoms really.

Get her help. If she refuses help, I dont see a whole lot else you can do to alleviate your situation other than the worst.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Could be how she was brought up also.

Chinese women are extremely loyal but alot have been brought up in a household with little or no intimacy is ever shown. Mom and dad eventually just fall into a rut and it becomes the norm of just living together as roomates.

That may be just how she perceives how married life is. My wife was like that at one point, we're together, I love you and all but I'm good with the way things are:

Sex maybe once a month, no intimacy at all (I initiate everything), devotes everything to the kids 100% and nothing to the husband (I'm old enough to take care of myself and my needs she said). No, this isn't what caused me to cheat, I cheated because I was young and horny as hell. This happened way later on in our marriage.

Got to the boiling point and I just sat her down and demanded certain things, at 1st she just told me, go ahead and just find it somewhere else, just don't tell me.

I was like, you're kidding right with my past. Give that candy to me and you'll regret it. Months of arguing and crying, but she finally saw my point and things have improved. This happened a few years back, at some point she just clicked off and it was 100% for kids and nothing on our relationship.

Now I have to admit, the temptation was there to just take her up on it. Who wouldn't want to have a free hall pass to get a young, hot, smoking young girl who's looking for a good time and nothing else. But I made that mistake once and didn't want to do it again and just had to drill it in her head that I have needs that have to be met.

And as to Korean women, I've been with a couple and they always tell me, if you want to sleep with another woman just let me know ahead of time and it's fine, :scratchhead: That really threw me off guard. And yes my wife is Chinese.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

have her put it in writing first then use the crap out of it.:smthumbup:


I'd bet you would find someone and then get divorced anyways.


you might as well just throw in the towel now!


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