# 5 stages of grief as applied to marriage



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I was in the shower this morning, crying silently about how sad and hopeless I feel about my marriage. Then I realized that I think for the majority of my 19 year marriage, I've been going through the 5 stages of grief. 

1) Denial. When early on in our marriage there were red flags that things weren't right (my H's mood swings, his anger and resentment towards me for who knows what, lack of intimacy), I denied it. I buried my head in the sand...kept excusing things with circumstantial situations. "He's just grumpy because he's stressed; maybe if I was better about [X] he'd be happier with me.."

2) Anger. Finally I got angry about our marriage problems and started to withdraw from him emotionally. I became resentful that nothing could please him. I "strongly encouraged" him to seek medical help for his anger/depression. That's when he was dx'd with bipolar 2. 

3) Bargaining. With the dx of Bipolar 2, I began bargaining with him and myself. If he'd take his medicine, I'll start feeling more affectionate with him. If he gets the bipolar under control, we'll feel more like a happy couple finally. The hope set in big time.

4) Depression. Certain small triggers add up over time, and here I am 19 years into a marriage that has never gotten to that happy place. I feel like a failure for holding on so long, for not being a good enough wife, for not being strong enough to speak up for myself but instead build a hidden resentment and sadness. 

5) Acceptance. I now realize I have to accept that my marriage is what it is. There will be no magic switch that gets flipped and everything is suddenly all better. He has bipolar 2 and chronic depression which he is denial about, therefore he chooses not to treat it. He is 120 lbs overweight, and he chooses not to try to lose weight and get in shape. Our sex life is awful mostly because of the weight, yet he seems to be content with the same old 15 minutes 1-2 times a month in the same position and I never orgasm. I have driven myself batty trying to figure out what I else I can do to achieve the happy marriage I always thought I'd have. 

Right now I'm teetering between depression and acceptance. The part about the acceptance I still need to figure out is what to do with it: I can either accept my marriage for what it is, try to focus on the positives and do things as I can to make myself happy, or accept it and decide I can no longer stay in this marriage if this is how it's going to be.


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

Wow, waking up to life. I feel like I just read my own story. My husband also has bipolar. He does take meds, but he drinks on them, and then has mood swings. 
I am stuck at depression and acceptance too. 
(He's threatening me with divorce today, we had a bad night(and it was because of me(because I've held my frustrations in so long) I finally exploded. Now, I feel like I want to save it, but I can't think of any good reason to. 
Thank you so much for your story.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

What's so hard for me is that my H is completely oblivious to how unhappy I am. I tried to talk to him about it a couple of months ago, and he got angry and told me I had no reason to be unhappy. I tried again this week, and he goes into a long heartwrenching explaination about how much he lives in fear every day that I will leave him, and he's deathly afraid of being alone. He has a major fear of rejection in life, which stems from his childhood. After 45 minutes of discussing HIS feelings, I realized that once again, my feelings got completely ignored and forgotten in this conversation. The next day, he acts like the conversation never happened. 

If he senses I'm being quiet or sad, all he can say is "I wish you'd smile more...don't be grumpy..." He is in complete denial about the state of our marriage. I need to make the next big jump and lay it out on the line. For some reason, I can't stop caring more about his feelings than mine. Even if I said what I need to say and he wanted to divorce, I'm not afraid of that. I'm more afraid of hurting his feelings. It's illogical, I know.


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

Wow. I am right there with you. 18 years. He suffers from depression. He has never been happy. He had two affairs. I think to try to make him happy. Didn't work. Tonight he told me that he just can't do it anymore and he wants a divorce. If it was just me, it would be fine, but we have two sons 9 and 14 and I am a SAHM. I am lost.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

I have only been married for four years but I see my future in both of your posts. 

My husband has not been diagnosed, but I am almost certain he has Bipolar. His mood swings are so hard to handle sometime and it’s hard to understand that one minute you are the best thing that ever happened to them and the next they hate you. 

It also hard to let go of the hurtful things they say and always be on their roller coaster and mood swings. Also, to constantly have your feeling pushed aside because you have to deal with theirs. 

How have you guys done it for so long?

My husband refuses to get help and use alcohol to cope.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

behappy123 said:


> I have only been married for four years but I see my future in both of your posts.
> 
> My husband has not been diagnosed, but I am almost certain he has Bipolar. His mood swings are so hard to handle sometime and it’s hard to understand that one minute you are the best thing that ever happened to them and the next they hate you.
> 
> ...


Thankfully my husband doesn't drink, so maybe that's one way it's been more tolerable. Please, listen to what I'm telling you: do NOT go on week after week, month after month, year after year waiting and hoping things will magically get better. THEY WON'T. You are not obligated to stay in a marriage where your needs must constantly get pushed aside, like you said, to deal with his. Your needs are important too. 

How have I done it so long? By being an enabler, doing everything I could for him to try to alleviate as much stress from him as possible, ignoring my feelings, letting him tell me my feelings are wrong, hoping maybe *this* (whatever it was) would be the thing to change our marriage for the good, becoming completely responsible for his emotional well-being at the expense of my own. 

Don't do what I've done. I've been doing this 19 years and I'm "Waking up to life" just in time to realize I have become so enmeshed into my husband's emotional issues that I've almost lost who I am. Almost.

Tell your husband that it hurts you to see him so angry and miserable. Tell him he MUST see a psychiatrist or psychologist (just get his foot in the door to start somewhere). If he still refuses to get help, leave and don't look back.


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## Treading (Jan 13, 2013)

Thank you for this post. 
I am in the same place you are, stuck between Depression and Acceptance.
It is hard as hell trying to get through one and on to the other. 
I need someone to talk to, but I have no one to talk to about it.
I ended my relationship with my BF because it was toxic, and when I found someone who was to be my new BF, well she turned out to be a fairweather friend so I am in a bit of a hole right now.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> Thankfully my husband doesn't drink, so maybe that's one way it's been more tolerable. Please, listen to what I'm telling you: do NOT go on week after week, month after month, year after year waiting and hoping things will magically get better. THEY WON'T. You are not obligated to stay in a marriage where your needs must constantly get pushed aside, like you said, to deal with his. Your needs are important too.
> 
> How have I done it so long? By being an enabler, doing everything I could for him to try to alleviate as much stress from him as possible, ignoring my feelings, letting him tell me my feelings are wrong, hoping maybe *this* (whatever it was) would be the thing to change our marriage for the good, becoming completely responsible for his emotional well-being at the expense of my own.
> 
> ...


Your post has been eye opening for me to say the least. Your second paragraph sounds like I had typed it out myself. I always make excuses for him and blame it on stress or other things. And I do everything I can to alleviate his stress and tailor to his needs and I have hurt my own in the process because I put him first always. I have been questioning this a lot lately and as much as I love him, I could not be with him for 19 years if his behavior and our relationship is the exact same as it is right now. It's so confusing......thank you so much for this eye opening post, I have a lot of thinking to do.


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## Lonely&Lost1 (Jan 29, 2013)

"Your post has been eye opening for me to say the least. Your second paragraph sounds like I had typed it out myself. I always make excuses for him and blame it on stress or other things. And I do everything I can to alleviate his stress and tailor to his needs and I have hurt my own in the process because I put him first always. I have been questioning this a lot lately and as much as I love him, I could not be with him for 19 years if his behavior and our relationship is the exact same as it is right now. It's so confusing......thank you so much for this eye opening post, I have a lot of thinking to do."

It's scary how many of us are in the same boat, but its nice to know I'm not alone. I've been married 18 years, most of them unhappily. I love my husband very much and I know he loves me, but sometimes that is just not enough. I'm tired of being lonely, of having my feelings ignored and my needs made to seem not important. I need to feel loved and wanted. My mom was married 4 times, my father twice and I swore I'd never divorce, that I would give my children a stable home. Now the idea is so ingrained in me that I cannot make the final stand and just say "Last chance. Make an effort, fight for me and this marriage or it's really over." I don't have the guts yet. 

Good luck to us all. I pray we all find a way to make the right decision when we are ready, be it to stay or leave.


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

OMG. Waking up to life, we could be the same person. When we went to marriage counseling, the counselor told me that I was an enabler. I hadn't ever thought about it before. I am almost there with you, ready to get out. If we didn't have a 14 year old and a 9 year old, I'm sure it would have already happened. When he told me he wanted a divorce a couple of weeks ago, I finally said o.k, no more fighting. I sent him a proposition to live as room mates under one room for a year to transition us and the kids. I don't work, so I have been looking for a job. When he read it, he was taken aback I think. He said he hadn't thought that far ahead. I said you ask for a divorce and you don't have a plan? He said he must not want it that bad if he didn't. I told him we had to go to counseling or else. I am tired of my emotions being on this roller coaster. I can't take it anymore. He is just going to have to pay for everything that me and the kids have to do to maintain our lifestyle and that's it.


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