# Where to go from here?



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Hey all,

I’ve posted several other threads about concerns with my wife and my marriage. We have been married 4 years and I’ve had issues with feeling like she takes me for granted and doesn’t respect my feelings. Further info can be found on my other threads.

recently we have been attending therapy together and have had some serious conversations about the relationship.The problem is that she seems to be motivated now to make changes in helping me around the house/with the baby and changing her attitude toward me because she is scared I’m going to leave.

while this may be a good thing it’s just tough for me as there’s several topics I’ve tried to approach with her in the past and been outright shut down and invalidated. Leaving me to suffer in my own head and process the pain alone.

Now she says she wants to hear it all and respect my feelings. She has stated that she “never realized how careless she had been with my heart.”

now partly this is my fault as a people pleaser who doesn’t always speak up when needed. But I’m just bothered by the fact it took me saying I might leave for her to finally say wow I’ve got a great spouse and to want to hear my emotions.

not sure how to proceed as my head is telling me that she simply is not emotionally who I need her to be but I should probably give her the chance?


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I’ve posted several other threads about concerns with my wife and my marriage. We have been married 4 years and I’ve had issues with feeling like she takes me for granted and doesn’t respect my feelings. Further info can be found on my other threads.
> 
> ...


We already know you want to leave but you are afraid to be the 'bad guy'. You will find the right excuse somewhere. Keep digging.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s scared you’ll leave so she wants to change. Whether she actually can change long-term (not just temporarily) is the question. Some change for a week or a month or sometimes even a couple of months but permanent change is a very hard thing and usually backsliding happens now and then.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> We already know you want to leave but you are afraid to be the 'bad guy'. You will find the right excuse somewhere. Keep digging.


Do you like want to date me or something? You try so hard to get my attention with unhelpful comments it’s just weird.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> Do you like want to date me or something? You try so hard to get my attention with unhelpful comments it’s just weird.


Actually I asked some questions you chose not to answer about a woman you said you would like to date (not your wife). It's like those questions made you uncomfortable or something. Like...you might be doing something wrong. 

It's weird.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You’re done, based on your other threads. Sticking around while she does the “pick me” dance is just wasting everyone’s time and prolonging the inevitable. There’s no need for that, it’s not going to get easier if you put it off. The kindest thing, IMO, is to rip off the bandaid.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> Actually I asked some questions you chose not to answer about a woman you said you would like to date (not your wife). It's like those questions made you uncomfortable or something. Like...you might be doing something wrong.
> 
> It's weird.


Chose not to entertain your questions that even others thought were ridiculous. REDACTED.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> Actually I asked some questions you chose not to answer about a woman you said you would like to date (not your wife). It's like those questions made you uncomfortable or something. Like...you might be doing something wrong.
> 
> It's weird.


HE DID ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS, just to other posters. I'm not sure either why you keep badgering him, you clearly don't want to help him. Normally you have wise posts that are helpful, so I'm not sure what is going on for you with this particular OP.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> Do you like want to date me or something? You try so hard to get my attention with unhelpful comments it’s just weird.





FloridaPool said:


> Chose not to entertain your questions that even others thought were ridiculous…REDACTED


You can always report any posts that you think are badgering you (which is against the rules), and put unhelpful posters on "Ignore" so you don't even see their posts.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You’re done, based on your other threads. Sticking around while she does the “pick me” dance is just wasting everyone’s time and prolonging the inevitable. There’s no need for that, it’s not going to get easier if you put it off. The kindest thing, IMO, is to rip off the bandaid.


I’m on the fence I guess. I am conflicted with being “done” because she seems sincere in wanting to change and I feel terrible not giving her that opportunity. The other part of me is like…really? I suffered alone for how long?


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> Chose not to entertain your questions that even others thought were ridiculous…you know you can always troll elsewhere right?


The questions--

Do you have lunches and get coffee with the woman? 
Do you talk about your marriage (commiserate) with the woman?
Does your wife know about the woman? 


There must be some reason you are not willing to answer.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> You can always report any posts that you think are badgering you (which is against the rules), and put unhelpful posters on "Ignore" so you don't even see their posts.


Yeah I’ve gone the route of reporting but will look into using the ignore feature now because it’s just gotten silly.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m on the fence I guess. I am conflicted with being “done” because she seems sincere in wanting to change and I feel terrible not giving her that opportunity. The other part of me is like…really? I suffered alone for how long?


You need to work with your personal therapist about setting boundaries with her behavior that make YOU feel safe and cared for. And then have consequences that you WILL follow through on if those boundaries are not honored by her.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> The questions--
> 
> Do you have lunches and get coffee with the woman?
> Do you talk about your marriage (commiserate) with the woman?
> ...


I wouldn't answer you either, you are antagonistic and mean. And WRONG.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I’ve posted several other threads about concerns with my wife and my marriage. We have been married 4 years and I’ve had issues with feeling like she takes me for granted and doesn’t respect my feelings. Further info can be found on my other threads.
> 
> ...


Disclaimer, I haven't read your other threads.

This post is all about me me me me and how you feel marginalized.

And now you think it's "_a good thing_" that she's living in fear and walking on eggshells around your tender feelings.
Having a spouse living in fear is never a good thing and you shouldn't use that to manipulate behavior.

I suggest 1 of 2 things.
- divorce and find someone who can handle your sensitivities
OR
- stop making this world all about you and try making her happy for a change.

I'll go read your other threads now to see how far off I am.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m on the fence I guess. I am conflicted with being “done” because she seems sincere in wanting to change and I feel terrible not giving her that opportunity. The other part of me is like…really? I suffered alone for how long?


I’m sure she is sincere. But she’s not enough and there’s no dance she can do that will make her enough. The “please pick me” dance is pathetic. And would you want to have to do that dance for the rest of your life? She’ll either not be enough or resent you for making her audition indefinitely. I don’t see a kind resolution. You’ll enjoy having her beg, but that is cruel. I mean, I’m a stranger on the internet and my advice is worth what you’re paying for it, but sticking around seems mean to me.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Disclaimer, I haven't read your other threads.
> 
> This post is all about me me me me and how you feel marginalized.
> 
> ...


You are far off.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> You need to work with your personal therapist about setting boundaries with her behavior that make YOU feel safe and cared for. And then have consequences that you WILL follow through on if those boundaries are not honored by her.


yeah that’s actually something I’m working on with my individual therapist.

I’m thinking my plan is that to discuss some of those things now and have those difficult discussions she was previously unwilling to have a gauge how she handles them now to see if I feel any better or see the change.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> The questions--
> 
> Do you have lunches and get coffee with the woman?
> Do you talk about your marriage (commiserate) with the woman?
> ...


This is trolling? Asking questions that get asked of people on here every single day?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m on the fence I guess. I am conflicted with being “done” because she seems sincere in wanting to change and I feel terrible not giving her that opportunity. The other part of me is like…really? I suffered alone for how long?


It’s not always easy for some to decide whether to go or stay. In retrospect, I should have gotten out when I first thought about it but hopium is a powerful drug. If you’re comfortable giving her a few months to see where things go that wouldn’t hurt but if you’re not okay with that it may be time to move on.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m sure she is sincere. But she’s not enough and there’s no dance she can do that will make her enough. The “please pick me” dance is pathetic. And would you want to have to do that dance for the rest of your life? She’ll either not be enough or resent you for making her audition indefinitely. I don’t see a kind resolution. You’ll enjoy having her beg, but that is cruel. I mean, I’m a stranger on the internet and my advice is worth what you’re paying for it, but sticking around seems mean to me.


I guess I’m trying to give her the opportunity to see if she can make sincere changes to be enough? Yes I agree it can be exhausting and I don’t have intentions of making her dance for life.

she even said it herself yesterday, she wants to have difficult discussions we avoided before in hopes of mending things but she understands if she is just not enough and I need to move on.

i guess my current plan is more so to give her the opportunity because I know she does love me.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Disclaimer, I haven't read your other threads.
> 
> This post is all about me me me me and how you feel marginalized.
> 
> ...


Well, in his last thread he talks about an attractive woman in his office and he would love 'to see where that could go". He doesn't seem to think this is an issue, which is what led to me asking the three simple questions in my previous post. 

In my view, he has already dismissed his wife and his marriage and is just looking for an excuse to move on without feeling awful about it. But she is making it difficult by actually acknowledging her shortcomings and her mistakes, and by trying to be better.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Disclaimer, I haven't read your other threads.
> 
> This post is all about me me me me and how you feel marginalized.
> 
> ...


Not living in fear and walking on eggshells…I think it’s a “good thing” to feel acknowledged, validated and understood by your spouse which I have not been.

I’ve always put her first and she acknowledges it. Only now though that she’s afraid of me walking it’s like oh my god you’re the perfect husband I’m so lucky you do so much for me and I ignored your needs for so long.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> I guess I’m trying to give her the opportunity to see if she can make sincere changes to be enough? Yes I agree it can be exhausting and I don’t have intentions of making her dance for life.
> 
> she even said it herself yesterday, she wants to have difficult discussions we avoided before in hopes of mending things but she understands if she is just not enough and I need to move on.
> 
> i guess my current plan is more so to give her the opportunity because I know she does love me.


Flip it and think how you would feel we’re the situation reversed (that’s something I try to do in my own life, I don’t always do it when I should but I maintain it’s a valuable exercise). If she felt that you weren’t enough for her, would you want to try to twist yourself into what she wants or would you rather end it? Just a suggestion.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Flip it and think how you would feel we’re the situation reversed (that’s something I try to do in my own life, I don’t always do it when I should but I maintain it’s a valuable exercise). If she felt that you weren’t enough for her, would you want to try to twist yourself into what she wants or would you rather end it? Just a suggestion.


I see it more as I’m not asking much really. Just some honest discussions/closure on some topics and to think about my feelings more in the future.

those seem like reasonable things, I’m not asking her to learn to fly by Friday.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> I see it more as I’m not asking much really. Just some honest discussions/closure on some topics and to think about my feelings more in the future.
> 
> those seem like reasonable things, I’m not asking her to learn to fly by Friday.


Actually, I believe you have been more than patient with her, and like @Openminded said, you need to decide if you are willing to give her a little more time. But most people who try to change don't succeed at it long-term. Most people are exactly who they are and cannot really change that, even if they want to.

I believe the problem for her is that everything she chooses is based on her selfishness...so that is her guiding principle - "what do I want, what is good for ME" - and the real change that your relationship needs is for her to care about and want to meet your needs and that of your child. But that's not the real change that she has made, or will be able to make.

There is NO shame in ending your relationship because she is not a loving partner to you. You have tried very hard with her. If you are done, it's ok to end things and be co-parents instead.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Actually, I believe you have been more than patient with her, and like @Openminded said, you need to decide if you are willing to give her a little more time. But most people who try to change don't succeed at it long-term. Most people are exactly who they are and cannot really change that, even if they want to.
> 
> I believe the problem for her is that everything she chooses is based on her selfishness...so that is her guiding principle - "what do I want, what is good for ME" - and the real change that your relationship needs is for her to care about and want to meet your needs and that of your child. But that's not the real change that she has made, or will be able to make.
> 
> There is NO shame in ending your relationship because she is not a loving partner to you. You have tried very hard with her. If you are done, it's ok to end things and be co-parents instead.


I struggle with this because I know she does love me just I understand her upbringing and her past relationships so I get why she is how she is.

i hope she can grow as a person i guess because it’s tough leaving someone who cares but just doesn’t have “it” in them.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> I struggle with this because I know she does love me just I understand her upbringing and her past relationships so I get why she is how she is.
> 
> i hope she can grow as a person i guess because it’s tough leaving someone who cares but just doesn’t have “it” in them.


I know. She does love you, she just loves herself MORE. And she doesn't mind hurting you and taking advantage of you in order to get what she wants.

And it's not your responsibility to heal her from her past...that is HER responsibility. She is supposed to be an equal and loving partner to you. 

It is tough to leave someone who you had such future hopes with, but sometimes that's all you can do. You cannot sacrifice your own happiness and love on someone who doesn't value those things as a healthy, caring partner.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> I struggle with this because I know she does love me just I understand her upbringing and her past relationships so I get why she is how she is.
> 
> i hope she can grow as a person i guess because it’s tough leaving someone who cares but just doesn’t have “it” in them.


It is possible that she finally got the wakeup call needed to really see what she has been doing and make a change. It really comes down to how much time are you willing to potentially waste? And are you strong enough to end it if she lulls you into become reinvested in the marriage with a couple months of good behavior then falls into old habits?


----------



## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

If there are no kids involved you should end it.
Selfish sociopaths do not deserve to have a prey to exploit no matter what kind of theatrics and histrionics she tries to produce.

I'd there are kids give it a chance.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

If you love your wife and want the marriage to work, accept her offer to change and then see if she follows through. Counseling and scheduling weekly date nights were you work on issues as they come along are critical. 

if she starts to fall back into her old ways, let her know. If she doesn’t try to change for good, then you have a tough decision to make.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Maybe I’m just too sensitive to it now but today I picked up the baby after work from my dads house like I always do. We got home before her as she works further away.

i had gotten myself a blue berry muffin for lunch that I didn’t finish. So after work I shared a few bites with the baby and he loved it.

few hours later we sit down for dinner which was some Asian stir fry and the baby didn’t want any. So I got him some crackers with peanut butter figuring that way he has some protein and he never turns them down.

as soon as I grab the box she goes “oh great more snacks!” In a sarcastic voice.

i looked at her and said what? She goes all he ever wants to eat is snacks. I said well some meals he eats some he doesn’t, I just want to make sure he eats some dinner.

she then goes on about how it’s my fault because I let him have a few bites of my muffin knowing that she was going to cook dinner in a few hours.

it’s trivial and silly, but we just seem to butt heads on everything.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FloridaPool said:


> Yeah I’ve gone the route of reporting but will look into using the ignore feature now because it’s just gotten silly.


If you feel that a member is harassing you, put them on ignore. I'll take a look at your reports as well.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> If you feel that a member is harassing you, put them on ignore. I'll take a look at your reports as well.


No worries I put him on ignore and it’s much more peaceful this way.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I went back and read your other threads, and you're absolutely correct when you say this...



FloridaPool said:


> It’s not helpful either that recently a very pretty girl with an amazing personality at work has gotten quite the thing for me. We are just friends right now but she is extremely supportive of me and loves children. She is well established academically and vocationally and we just seem to groove well together with no effort.


You're also in major denial as to the influence this "friendship" is having on your thought process and the damage it's doing to your already fragile marriage. Make no mistake - you are at enormous risk of engaging in an affair OP, you're vulnerable, your marriage is rocky and you're attracted to a co worker. It's the perfect storm.

I am not someone who will advise someone to end a marriage. I also acknowledge the enormous burden that you're carrying, and how unfair it is. I think your wife deserves the chance to try to make things right. You owe her that much - and she owes you appreciation by the truckload.

HOWEVER, I think you need to make her getting medical help and going back on medication a condition of any reconciliation attempt. If she won't, then there's your answer.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FloridaPool said:


> ......We have been married 4 years and I’ve had issues with feeling like she takes me for granted and doesn’t respect my feelings. Further info can be found on my other threads.
> 
> .....attending therapy together and have had some serious conversations about the relationship.*The problem is that she seems to be motivated now to make changes in helping me around the house/with the baby and changing her attitude toward me because she is scared I’m going to leave.*
> 
> ...


I am going to try to state what seems to be the obvious to get through to the real issues.

First, you have a troubled marriage and it has been for a while. For some reason you and your wife are in therapy together, which I think is great. The usual purpose of marriage counseling is when two people feel there may be a potential for saving the marriage and both want to commit to see if they can work out their problems.

You don't sound like you are committed to working with the marriage counselor on seeing if your marriage can be saved. It sounds like your wife is trying and has made some huge breakthroughs. 

It sounds to me like you are very confused. You sound scared that you might end up staying in the marriage. You sound like you don't feel your wife is committed to working out all the issues because of past dismissal of some of them, even though she wants to discuss those issues now. You sound like you are are either afraid or not willing to discuss these feelings with your W and the marriage counselor to work them out, which really doesn't sound like you are committed to the marriage counseling process.

As far as feeling she is not the person you need emotionally, you may be correct, but at least recognize that she is trying to change and become that person. it may be a case of too little and too late, but have you given the marriage counseling process a fair chance? Have you discussed these feelings with the marriage counselor and in front of your wife? 

If you want divorce, don't string your wife along, sit down with the marriage counselor and your W and say that while you appreciate her change in attitude, the counseling sessions have helped you understand that either you no longer feel the marriage can be saved and so you want to divorce or that you are too afraid to commit to counseling and instead your fears working through remaining issues make you want to accept divorce.

Be honest with yourself and your wife. She is probably emotionally ripped apart and trying to save a marriage that you no longer care about. 

You need to figure out what you want and why you are in marriage therapy/counseling and honestly communicate with your wife and counselor.

Good luck.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FloridaPool said:


> *Maybe I’m just too sensitive* to it now but today I picked up the baby after work from my dads house like I always do. We got home before her as she works further away.
> 
> i had gotten myself a blue berry muffin for lunch that I didn’t finish. So after work I shared a few bites with the baby and he loved it.
> 
> ...


In changing myself one of the hard lessons I had to learn was that when my wife punches my hot buttons, I can either pick up the gauntlet and accept her invitation to fight/argue, or I have the power to not get angry. 

It takes two to fight. In your mind, your wife can try to start a fight (that may or may not be her desired outcome), but you can prevent a fight, but not taking the "bait." 

My advice is for you to become the adult in the room and not fight over silly things.

In this particular case, think about handling it differently. Imagine what would have happened, it you had not gotten angry, but thanked her and said in the future you will work with her on jointly planning more traditional meals for your child. Ask her for a suggestion on a go-to healthy meal when the child is really hungry and with you that she approves of.

I look at this argument as a childish power struggle between two parents as to "who knows best" and who will dominate the other.

Good luck and stop looking for things to fight about.


----------



## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

I don't know FP it kind of sounds like you are past the point of no return. A very wise friend recently told me that the true definition of happiness is temporary pleasure followed by long lasting contentment. Seems to me everyone can get the first part of that equation but its the second part many of us have trouble with. Strikes me you are struggling with the second part as well with your current relationship. Best of luck.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m sure she is sincere. But she’s not enough and there’s no dance she can do that will make her enough. The “please pick me” dance is pathetic. And would you want to have to do that dance for the rest of your life? She’ll either not be enough or resent you for making her audition indefinitely. I don’t see a kind resolution. You’ll enjoy having her beg, but that is cruel. I mean, I’m a stranger on the internet and my advice is worth what you’re paying for it, but sticking around seems mean to me.


All depends on his level of resentment toward her for her past behavior. Hopefully she can get her head out of her backside and he can once again suck it up and take yet another **** sandwich for the team.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Flip it and think how you would feel we’re the situation reversed (that’s something I try to do in my own life, I don’t always do it when I should but I maintain it’s a valuable exercise). If she felt that you weren’t enough for her, would you want to try to twist yourself into what she wants or would you rather end it? Just a suggestion.


The situation would not be reversed because he was a person that put everyone's wants before his....look where that got him. Minimized and discounted by his wife. When she realizes he may no longer put up with her ****, now she is saying "Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! What do I do now, my beta whipping boy is gonna leave, who will tolerate my crap behavior!?"


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> Maybe I’m just too sensitive to it now but today I picked up the baby after work from my dads house like I always do. We got home before her as she works further away.
> 
> i had gotten myself a blue berry muffin for lunch that I didn’t finish. So after work I shared a few bites with the baby and he loved it.
> 
> ...


Counseling isn't going to change her core personality. This is who she is, and it's going to be like this, or worse, forever. 

It's okay to end the marriage, it really is.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Counseling isn't going to change her core personality. This is who she is, and it's going to be like this, or worse, forever.
> 
> It's okay to end the marriage, it really is.


This is pretty much what I was going to say.

It's like when one partner isn't into sex but does it just to get the other partner to stop bugging them.

Nothing really gets fixed. It's who she is. The best you can do is pretend she's doing it because she really wants to.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Counseling isn't going to change her core personality. This is who she is, and it's going to be like this, or worse, forever.
> 
> It's okay to end the marriage, it really is.


I totally understand and respect what you are saying as probably true.

My struggle is that since our last session (Saturday) she has been super affectionate. She’s constantly telling me she loves me now, saying we can make it through anything, sending me messages while I’m at work to tell me how nice I looked in my work clothes, calling me all kinds of pet names and what not saying things like “I love you to the moon and back my king.”

Saying how lucky she is to have a guy like me. I’m perfect and the best husband, etc.

She’s also been really permissive in telling me to do whatever I want: relax after work, go out with friends, etc.

Any time I’ve said I’m not having a great day she’s asking to talk about it and offering to do anything she can to help.

now she says she wants to have discussions about whatever might be bothering me in our marriage “no matter how difficult or uncomfortable” they might be so we can get back to a good old place making happy memories and having a happy family together. (All the conversations I tried to have months ago that got shut down)

I don’t know if the intent here is real change or trying to get me to stay because she’s afraid


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s afraid. Plus she may truly want to change. But it’s going to take some time to see if that change is temporary or permanent. Maybe a lot of time. You have to decide whether you’re willing to wait and see. Talk is always the easy part — consistent actions are another story.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Sustaining this “pick me” dance for all time is going to wear on her. Best case, she gradually goes back to normal and worst, she blows her top and is as done as you are now.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Sustaining this “pick me” dance for all time is going to wear on her. Best case, she gradually goes back to normal and worst, she blows her top and is as done as you are now.


Yeah it’s actually kinda uncomfortable because I know this is not how she is. Maybe when we first started dating but not recently for sure.

even when it comes to sex. I had told her I don’t like always being the one who initiates as then I feel like I’m forcing it and I like to be desired too like anyone else. Next night I’m playing video games and she just started kissing my neck out of nowhere.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Yeah it’s actually kinda uncomfortable because I know this is not how she is. Maybe when we first started dating but not recently for sure.
> 
> even when it comes to sex. I had told her I don’t like always being the one who initiates as then I feel like I’m forcing it and I like to be desired too like anyone else. Next night I’m playing video games and she just started kissing my neck out of nowhere.


There is literally nothing she can do to save this. Let her go.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> There is literally nothing she can do to save this. Let her go.


Why is that?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Why is that?


Everything she’s doing as part of this “pick me” dance seems fake to you. You’ve decided she isn’t good enough. At this point you’re just torturing/mocking her.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Everything she’s doing as part of this “pick me” dance seems fake to you. You’ve decided she isn’t good enough. At this point you’re just torturing/mocking her.


Isn’t the pick me dance inherently fake?

i appreciate the changes but feel like I’m just waiting for the shoe to drop.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she continues for six months then it might be real. However, I’m a cynic so I always think it can crash and burn any time and nothing’s safe.


----------



## tyrone6384 (5 mo ago)

Just be careful because it could end bad. she can turn around and ask you to leave with no hard feelings. It will hurt you to do it but to her it like calling in a food order. I hated getting sex started all the time but desperate times I didn't care. most women want you to take control and just take it. sounds like you want me to be a rapist. 😄begging to have sex in a marriage is terrible. But I know how it feel to want to hold on to something hoping it can get better. I ended up losing everything and my mouth was wide open in shock because I was the one that should of been left but stayed trying to keep my family. That saying " the nice guy always finish last is true".


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

OP bail before its too late. I am guessing you are relatively young. Get out now before you get old and resentful like me and then find its too late to do so.

Just my opinion of course but if you have to keep working at making her want to be with you...its not working. Eventually you just become people who share a roof over their heads and not much more.

Good luck


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think the OP should have a conversation with the wife about taking her meds again first...


----------



## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I’ve posted several other threads about concerns with my wife and my marriage. We have been married 4 years and I’ve had issues with feeling like she takes me for granted and doesn’t respect my feelings. Further info can be found on my other threads.
> 
> ...


Get man frame in check,treat her less nice like a alpha male. Tell her to toe the line, and examine what ephesians is all about . She thinks uyou are 
Wuss. Women hate to hear our insecurities, tell them to a mentor or guy friend


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Why have you let this drag out so long. Fear or indecision ? It doesn't look like your wife is coming back.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Why have you let this drag out so long. Fear or indecision ? It doesn't look like your wife is coming back.


What do you mean coming back? She still lives with me and attends therapy with me every weekend where she proceeds to get frustrated that she feels like she is trying and I seem distant. I’ve mentioned my resentments that keep me from her but I’m just not sure I feel able to work through them.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> Maybe I’m just too sensitive to it now but today I picked up the baby after work from my dads house like I always do. We got home before her as she works further away.
> 
> i had gotten myself a blue berry muffin for lunch that I didn’t finish. So after work I shared a few bites with the baby and he loved it.
> 
> ...


That’s because you are taking her too seriously. Stop.
If she’s unreasonably criticizing, blaming or nagging - it’s OK to dismiss her. 
Just do it with a smile and move on. Don’t be emotionally reactive and don’t defend yourself if your actions don’t warrant a defense / explanation.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> Yeah it’s actually kinda uncomfortable because I know this is not how she is. Maybe when we first started dating but not recently for sure.
> 
> even when it comes to sex. I had told her I don’t like always being the one who initiates as then I feel like I’m forcing it and I like to be desired too like anyone else. Next night I’m playing video games and she just started kissing my neck out of nowhere.


I would be asking why now? This is what was wanted all this time, that she could not be bothered for or have the time to do for her marriage...why the hell now!? I would suspect it is not because she gives a crap, but because she does not want to loose the stability. The sudden 180 seems not genuine.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Sometimes it’s too little too late. You’re just wasting everyone’s time while she does this “pick me” dance. Even if she kept it up and groveled for the rest of your marriage, you’ll never believe it’s sincere and eventually she will resent it.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

It just strikes me as odd that every time we go to therapy and she states things are going well it’s all centered around how much attention she is getting. This was a good week because he held me before we fell asleep or he held my hand and watched a movie with me.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> It just strikes me as odd that every time we go to therapy and she states things are going well it’s all centered around how much attention she is getting. This was a good week because he held me before we fell asleep or he held my hand and watched a movie with me.


It does surprise you? Well, I'm surprised at your surprise. 

It's all about her, and always will be.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> It does surprise you? Well, I'm surprised at your surprise.
> 
> It's all about her, and always will be.


Is this not normal? It seems self centered to me but the therapist almost seems to be on her side. My wife will say oh it was a good week I had glimpses of my husband again he was loving and playing/joking with me, holding my hand, etc.

then the therapist gets on me like well what’s holding you back? She wants all of you, she’s not looking for anyone else she wants to be happy with her husband why are you distant?

she’s working hard on trying to help more with the baby and around the house so what’s wrong?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> Is this not normal? It seems self centered to me but the therapist almost seems to be on her side. My wife will say oh it was a good week I had glimpses of my husband again he was loving and playing/joking with me, holding my hand, etc.
> 
> then the therapist gets on me like well what’s holding you back? She wants all of you, she’s not looking for anyone else she wants to be happy with her husband why are you distant?
> 
> she’s working hard on trying to help more with the baby and around the house so what’s wrong?


Your therapist sucks.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Your therapist sucks.


lol what makes you say that? I’ve actually been thinking maybe we need a new one.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

FloridaPool said:


> It just strikes me as odd that every time we go to therapy and she states things are going well it’s all centered around how much attention she is getting. This was a good week because he held me before we fell asleep or he held my hand and watched a movie with me.


I have a close family member that is in much the same type of marriage with the same type of wife as you, right down to having a young child that he does most of the child care for. The only difference is that he is a few years farther down the line than you. And you know what he learned? He learned that no amount of effort by him, and no amount of counseling will change a selfish and lazy person into something they are not.

All of his family and friends do not want to hear about it anymore. She is the same selfish person that he dated and that we advised him against marrying and having children with. His false expectation that having children would change her for the better, have not proven true. She is who she is and always will be.

Today, he has learned to accept this without complaining about it to everyone (again we do not want to hear it). He stays for the child, and gets what he can from his wife. It is not fair or balanced in any way, and everyone knows the marriage will end when the child is older, but he does appreciate his close special relationship with his child. He really likes who his child is turning out to be.

Ironically, she is now doing the same selfish and lazy BS with her child as she does with her husband. Right down to making false promises to the child that she will change.

The bottom line is that your wife did nothing wrong. She is exactly who you married. Deal with it accordingly.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

TRy said:


> I have a close family member that is in much the same type of marriage with the same type of wife as you, right down to having a young child that he does most of the child care for. The only difference is that he is a few years farther down the line than you. And you know what he learned? He learned that no amount of effort by him, and no amount of counseling will change a selfish and lazy person into something they are not.
> 
> All of his family and friends do not want to hear about it anymore. She is the same selfish person that he dated and that we advised him against marrying and having children with. His false expectation that having children would change her for the better, have not proven true. She is who she is and always will be.
> 
> ...


I guess I struggle in that now she is making an effort to do more around the house and with the baby since I mentioned it.

however she seems to be like ok I’m doing more now where’s my attention?


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

In therapy, should you ask about your wife's relationship status?

Ask her to write down the reasons why the marriage came to this and the timeline and remind her to be honest because you will want a polygraph.

something big could happen.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

bygone said:


> In therapy, should you ask about your wife's relationship status?
> 
> Ask her to write down the reasons why the marriage came to this and the timeline and remind her to be honest because you will want a polygraph.
> 
> something big could happen.


She’s already told me it happened when the baby was born that I devoted my time to the baby and our relationship got distant and room mate like.


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

Don't add too much meaning to wife's words, you've already admitted that she started acting differently to avoid divorce.

Is there anything else she needs to tell you?

"I think you're cheating on me, do you have a relationship in the past or today? Would you agree to enter the polygraph!"

You should ask this clearly.

cheaters love word games,

I'm not saying your wife is cheating, I'm just saying you should confirm it.(it crossed my mind)

if she cheated you want confession and timeline

Check your wife's reactions.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

bygone said:


> Don't add too much meaning to wife's words, you've already admitted that she started acting differently to avoid divorce.
> 
> Is there anything else she needs to tell you?
> 
> ...


Well yeah we started going on more dates and stuff to revitalize the marriage then I saw her texting a friend about a co worker complementing her and saw that she likes all her exes photos from before we dated to present day.

Add that to her displaying frustration toward our baby and not compromising with me on my needs/helping me around the house and I withdrew.

she only started trying to change how she operates as a wife and mother when I started distancing myself and saying thingsneed to change or I’m leaving.


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

your wife's behavior is like common patterns of cheating spouses

mc/ic is beneficial to honest wife s,

unfortunately, they are places where scammers do not hesitate to manipulate.

That's why you're offering your wife honest answers to her questions and a polygraph.

If confessions come, ask for the timetable and must go to the polygraph again


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

bygone said:


> your wife's behavior is like common patterns of cheating spouses
> 
> mc/ic is beneficial to honest wife s,
> 
> ...


What about her behavior makes you think cheating?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FloridaPool said:


> Is this not normal? It seems self centered to me but the therapist almost seems to be on her side. My wife will say oh it was a good week I had glimpses of my husband again he was loving and playing/joking with me, holding my hand, etc.
> 
> then the therapist gets on me like well what’s holding you back? She wants all of you, she’s not looking for anyone else she wants to be happy with her husband why are you distant?
> 
> she’s working hard on trying to help more with the baby and around the house so what’s wrong?


Get another therapist. It’s not normal for this to only be about her getting what she wants.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

I’m honestly feeling a little emotionally manipulated by my wife. She spent all last night crying about how she’s worried I’m going to leave and how she’s tried so hard to fix our marriage but doesn’t know what to do and how we got here because our relationship pre baby was so good.

i just don’t understand because she was the one that came to me back in April to tell me she hasn’t been happy in our marriage since the baby was born because I devoted myself too much to him and didn’t seem to have time for her/our relationship.

now she’s just saying you’re perfect, I’m so lucky to have you I’m just scared I’m going to lose you. Even in regards to my request that she help more with the baby. She’s been stepping up to do so, but when we talked about it last night I went to compliment her and she’s like I’m just doing it because I have a feeling I’m going to have to learn how to on my own soon when you leave.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m honestly feeling a little emotionally manipulated by my wife. She spent all last night crying about how she’s worried I’m going to leave and how she’s tried so hard to fix our marriage but doesn’t know what to do and how we got here because our relationship pre baby was so good.
> 
> i just don’t understand because she was the one that came to me back in April to tell me she hasn’t been happy in our marriage since the baby was born because I devoted myself too much to him and didn’t seem to have time for her/our relationship.
> 
> now she’s just saying you’re perfect, I’m so lucky to have you I’m just scared I’m going to lose you. Even in regards to my request that she help more with the baby. She’s been stepping up to do so, but when we talked about it last night I went to compliment her and she’s like I’m just doing it because I have a feeling I’m going to have to learn how to on my own soon when you leave.


So this is very much a role reversal type thing. Men often complain they don’t get enough attention after a baby. Women often complain the husband doesn’t help enough or isn’t attached enough.

So she isn’t wrong about feeling you might leave. You are here discussing that very thing and how you don’t think you can get past your resentment. So why does it bother you that she’s tuned into this possibility?

She hasn’t changed. I completely understand you desiring a true partner. Every person deserves one. She also deserves the truth. She also deserves some attention. 

So do you wish to get past the resentment? It seemed a couple pages ago you were ready to call it and divorce.

It’s a shame you didn’t think past the moment when you married her but you do deserve a true partner. If you want to divorce you don’t need more reason. If you want to try to stay married be brutally honest with her and let her know how much load you carry. 

In addition take a weekend and visit your parents leave her and your child alone together. Yes she can be short but unless she’s violent both will survive. Leave her the list of things you normally accomplish and ask her to get that done.

When you return arrange for a babysitter. Then sit down with her and ask how being you felt like. That you don’t want anymore half tries. You want a partner and she’s got to step up and do half. That means sometimes you have to let her fail. I’m sure you weren’t the perfect parent but you’ve had more time to get it together. Buy her a parenting book or what to expect at each age book. But realize not all parents agree on parenting style.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So this is very much a role reversal type thing. Men often complain they don’t get enough attention after a baby. Women often complain the husband doesn’t help enough or isn’t attached enough.
> 
> So she isn’t wrong about feeling you might leave. You are here discussing that very thing and how you don’t think you can get past your resentment. So why does it bother you that she’s tuned into this possibility?
> 
> ...


Yeah you nailed it on the role reversal situation. She really struggled with being a Mom those first few months so I really had to step in and take over. Which I was more than willing to do.

What really got me and what I struggle to get past is her lack of appreciation for what I did instead focusing on her own feelings. Also I saw texts between her and a friend where she said a doctor at work had “complemented the **** out of her and now she was damp.” That was quickly followed by my finding out that she still follows the guy she went on a few dates with before me and likes damn near every photo he posts including many where he’s shirtless. When I confronted her on it she minimized my feelings and made me out to be the bad guy “looking for things to get upset about.”


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FloridaPool said:


> Yeah you nailed it on the role reversal situation. She really struggled with being a Mom those first few months so I really had to step in and take over. Which I was more than willing to do.
> 
> What really got me and what I struggle to get past is her lack of appreciation for what I did instead focusing on her own feelings. Also I saw texts between her and a friend where she said a doctor at work had “complemented the **** out of her and now she was damp.” That was quickly followed by my finding out that she still follows the guy she went on a few dates with before me and likes damn near every photo he posts including many where he’s shirtless. When I confronted her on it she minimized my feelings and made me out to be the bad guy “looking for things to get upset about.”


Like I said. you can call it a day. You just have to decide to do it.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Like I said. you can call it a day. You just have to decide to do it.


I mean I’m not sure if I’m blowing those things up to be bigger than they are but they really hurt me.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FloridaPool said:


> I mean I’m not sure if I’m blowing those things up to be bigger than they are but they really hurt me.


We all choose what bothers us. I myself usually try to take a critical look at if I'm being hurt in the moment and if I'm holding onto things I shouldn't. I find in my marriage so many things just really aren't that important. Who does a little more here or there. A word or phrase that you could take the wrong way. BUT my husband is a true partner and does what he can to make sure I'm happy. But you have one who is acting in a manner not great in many ways. Could you work with her and have a better marriage sure. Would she ever be your dream partner probably not. There's always a tradeoff. You might divorce and find the perfect partner. Or you may find many of the women who are true partners or devoted to the kids aren't as gorgeous or expect to be SAHM or don't have sex as often as you like or you might find later they are cheaters.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What she was telling you in April was just because she was jealous of the time you spend with the baby. She was critical because she thought that would scare you and make you meet her expectations. Instead she realized that you were thinking of moving on and now she’s the one who’s scared because that was never her intention. She’s telling you that you’re perfect so you’ll rethink leaving her. I don’t believe any of these “changes” are because she’s looked deep inside and realized the truth of what you told her. They’re because she can’t face life alone.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

From what I’ve seen most people past a certain age don’t change. Maybe short term under certain circumstances but revert back. 
A lot of therapists sell hopium.


----------



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> What she was telling you in April was just because she was jealous of the time you spend with the baby. She was critical because she thought that would scare you and make you meet her expectations. Instead she realized that you were thinking of moving on and now she’s the one who’s scared because that was never her intention. She’s telling you that you’re perfect so you’ll rethink leaving her. I don’t believe any of these “changes” are because she’s looked deep inside and realized the truth of what you told her. They’re because she can’t face life alone.


Yeah I tend to agree. What she told me in April was basically that her need for attention wasn’t being met. She told me she talked to a male coworker of hers about it and he suggested that she talk to me and see if we can work on things.

when she told me she did mention that usually when things go south in a relationship she is in she leaves before she has the chance to get hurt but because we are married and have a kid she wanted to see if we could work it out. I responded immediately with getting us back into couples therapy and planning 2 dates where I went all out in hopes of rekindling things and not losing her.

overall, things were improving until we decided to take June off from dates to plan our son’s first birthday. Around that time I saw that text convo with her friend and discovered her interactions with her ex on social media. I tried to talk with her calmly about my concerns but was shut down as “not trusting her” and “looking for things to get upset over.” She would always insist we were doing better now and didn’t understand where those concerns were coming from.

feeling unheard, hurt and angry I pulled away from her to protect myself and she noticed. Hence her feelings that I may be leaving and her not being able to understand what happened. To this day she says everything was getting better and then I just “flipped a switch” and closed myself off from her since July. She can’t seem to understand why and I struggle with explaining myself yet again and facing those conversations.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

@FloridaPool How are you doing man? Things improving?


----------

