# Am I being a wimp, or just wise?



## ~abcxyz~ (Dec 9, 2011)

You can read my previous thread, titled "To divorce, or not. That is the question.", in the Considering Separation or Divorce section.

Given our current separated status, I certainly intend to discuss in a firm manner that her behavior is not acceptaple or appropriate for our marriage and that it is in our best interest to pursue divorce, provided she is immediately unwilling to sever all ties with the other man and focus on a total reconciliation of our marriage.

I regretfully enabled this relationship when we were living together by not approaching her then. You see, I found out about her relationship by "following-up" on her questionable behavior, not by an admission of her guilt. I didn't approach her while we were still together, as I wanted to keep things amicable between us, so that when (if) we divorced - it would be less adversarial. 

The reason why I ask if I'm being a wimp, or just wise, is that I feel compelled to catch them in a "gotcha" moment. No, I'm not talking about knocking on their door when the lights go out. I'm talking about making a casual surprise visit, in the middle of the day. Case in point, while driving past her work (a small specialty retail store) today during my lunch hour. Obviously, her car was there. But, his was there, too. He works on the other side of town, and while she lives with him, his car should not have been there. On one hand, I wanted to "pop-in" and ask her to go to lunch today. On the other hand, I don't know what his reaction would be, as he could certainly clobber me.

Would showing her that I'm not afraid to be in his presence be the same as showing her that I am willing to fight (not physically) for her love? Now, I do realize that she has chosen him over me, and many folks might say "Game over. Get over it!". But, I would like to make a one last ditch attempt to allow her to recognize my love for her is unwavering. Just because I would decide to divorce her, doesn't mean I don't still love her.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Wimp. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so kind and accepting as you have been? She totally disrespects and humiliates you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? By the way get tested for STD's.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

abc, honest question - do you think you need this proof so that you will be angry enough to overcome your denial of the situation and do something about it?

I do not think most people would be striving for any more proof than you already have in your situation.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just amazes me how many WS's continue doing what they want because their BS's are so willing to minimize everything for them in order to avoid reality.Wake up!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Wimp or not..It dosent matter.

She most likely not leave with you..
it wont leave you feeling good to pu it mindy.

Sorry


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your wife is living with another man.

The only thing you should have to do with her is sign divorce papers.

Yes, you`re waaay too beta and it`s probably part of the reason she`s living with another man.

Your marriage is already over, she knows it, the OM knows it, anybody who knows her knows it, everyone who has read your story on this board knows it.
You are the only one who doesn`t seem to get it.

Divorce her, move on.

You`re just going to cause yourself more pain.
Please stop, find some anger.


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## ~abcxyz~ (Dec 9, 2011)

Acorn, valid point. However, I was asking the question rhetorically, as I've had two or three opportunities over the past few months in where I could have encountered him, or them together, but chose not to. I felt the situation(s) could either be extremely awkward or unfavorably escalate into a hostile manner (for me). By the way, the reason I asked this, is because someone had told me that I should have made the confrontation(s)... easy for him to say, it wouldn't have been his safety in potential peril


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

~abcxyz~ said:


> Acorn, valid point. However, I was asking the question rhetorically, as I've had two or three opportunities over the past few months in where I could have encountered him, or them together, but chose not to. I felt the situation(s) could either be extremely awkward or unfavorably escalate into a hostile manner (for me). By the way, the reason I asked this, is because someone had told me that I should have made the confrontation(s)... easy for him to say, it wouldn't have been his safety in potential peril


Wimp. Grow a set of balls. I found mine a few weeks ago.


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## ~abcxyz~ (Dec 9, 2011)

bmichael... so you're saying you confronted you're wife's OM? Sorry, I didn't read through all of your threads before posting this reply. If so, good for you. Are you bigger than he is, or just didn't care what the outcome of your encounter would be? 

Everyone seems to be missing the point of this particular thread posting. This thread posting had nothing to do with whether I should divorce, or even if I should have Manned-Up to my wife a long time ago. I know that to be true, I've been given that advice previously, and I'm not revisiting that. 

Rather, what I WAS asking here is whether I should have approached the OM provided the opportunities I had. My reasoning was no, for my safety. Isn't that what "taking care of yourself" is all about? Sure, I should have approached my wife awhile back, I enabled it, my bad on that.

Thanks for attempting to answer, and trying to hit me upside the head with a frying pan, but I do understand what you're telling me with regard to moving on.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

~abcxyz~ said:


> Rather, what I WAS asking here is whether I should have approached the OM provided the opportunities I had.


Confronting the OM never does anyone any good other than the possibility of it escalating into a physical altercation where you get the euphoric pleasure of watching him lie on the ground bleeding.

This pleasure is usually short lived once you`re arrested for battery though so..no you shouldn`t have confronted him.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The best revenge is to live well.

LET HER GO!


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

~abcxyz~ said:


> You can read my previous thread, titled "To divorce, or not. That is the question.", in the Considering Separation or Divorce section.
> 
> Given our current separated status, I certainly intend to discuss in a firm manner that her behavior is not acceptaple or appropriate for our marriage and that it is in our best interest to pursue divorce, provided she is immediately unwilling to sever all ties with the other man and focus on a total reconciliation of our marriage.
> 
> ...


 

A GOTCHA MOMENT???? I'm sorry but the GOT is on you. She is living with him and she chose him over you .......so you think going over and popping up to ask her for a lunch date will be such a manly gester that she may come to her senses and go back home with you? 

I'm just trying to understand the title because wimp is what I honestly would see my husband as if he ever "enabled a relationship". (if ENABLE means what I think it means) Once a line is crossed with the spouse knowing or seeing the line is crossed, how do you think you can ever go back to just this normal spouse relationship. Love/relationship is not a light switch that you can just turn off and on when you start playing outside the house and bed or if you ENABLE a spouse to play outside the house and bed.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Anyone else getting a troll vibe from this?

In case it's genuine, no, you're not wise, but you sure do sound like a coward. Cowards usually stay silent though, even on anonymous forums.


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## ~abcxyz~ (Dec 9, 2011)

Yes, folks, I get the picture. I "effed" up by not setting boundries when I first discovered her relationship. She was putting up the defenses, being deceptive & denying everything. It was my incorrect belief that "laying down the law" would only stoke the flames, and actually push her to divorce. Rather, I was
attempting to lay the foundation for an amicable atmosphere, in the event we would divorce... which now appears inevitable - the very thing I had wanted to avoid in the first place. 

I labled the thread title, as such, so it would be an attention getter. And it grabbed the attention of quite a few inflammatory comments, which was not the kind of reaction I would have anticipated from a support site for those at a crossroad in marriage. Most of those who posted seem to have a pro-divorce mentality. As a guy who's hurting, and seeking the wisdom of those who have been around this block for awhile, what I really expected was a little more guidance on how to win a spouse back (as I see on a few other threads here), and a lot less "get the heck out in a hurry" responses.

What entitles some folks to receive encouraging posts that the marriage can be saved if so desired, and others discouraging posts that divorce is the ONLY way to go?

Nonetheless, I sincerely appreciate your candor. If there's anything I dislike, it's sugarcoating. I don't want your sympathy, however, a little empathy goes a long way.

(Message to snap: I had to look up the definition of troll. I can assure you I'm no troll. It's rather off-putting, especially to somewhat of a newbie like myself. Perhaps, it was something I said or in the manner I phrased it. Honestly, and preferrably without sarcasm, what was it that warranted the troll comment?)


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

~abcxyz~,

If you are looking for advice on how to get her back and fix your relationship then I suggest you read the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley.

The affair will most likely not last even though she is living with him. The question is whether or not it will last longer than your love for your wife lasts. If you go the path of trying to get her back it's going to be a long, hard road with no assurances.

People are not really being harsh to you here. You asked if you were being a wimp or wise. They answered your question. Perhaps don't ask questions you do not want the answer to.

And no, your being in the presence of the OM does not show her that you love her or that you are willing to fight for her. It will not prove anything. Especially since you are not really willing to physcally fight for her.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Leave her, for she is not deserving you and Be Thus Wise...and Live Well with a Loving one, who loves you.


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## DubeGechi (Dec 12, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Confronting the OM never does anyone any good other than the possibility of it escalating into a physical altercation where you get the euphoric pleasure of watching him lie on the ground bleeding.
> 
> This pleasure is usually short lived once you`re arrested for battery though so..no you shouldn`t have confronted him.


:iagree:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Confronting the OM never does anyone any good other than the possibility of it escalating into a physical altercation where you get the euphoric pleasure of watching him lie on the ground bleeding.
> 
> This pleasure is usually short lived once you`re arrested for battery though so..no you shouldn`t have confronted him.


:iagree:

In this day and age, its not worth the trouble. 

But lets imagine that you could get away with it, with no authorities or legal entanglements getting in the way, what then? One can always fantasize.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

~abcxyz~ said:


> (Message to snap: I had to look up the definition of troll. I can assure you I'm no troll. It's rather off-putting, especially to somewhat of a newbie like myself. Perhaps, it was something I said or in the manner I phrased it. Honestly, and preferrably without sarcasm, what was it that warranted the troll comment?)


Frankly, it sounded a bit incredulous. Not the story itself, but that you'd need to poll other people to figure out if your (non-)response to the affair was a poor move on your part.

You wrote things like, "Would showing her that I'm not afraid to be in his presence be the same as showing her that I am willing to fight (not physically) for her love?" I mean, we all have our weak moments, but things like this should be pretty obvious. You ARE afraid to be in his presence.

But of course it could be just my paranoid state of mind.


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## ~abcxyz~ (Dec 9, 2011)

Thanks for the follow-up. I do appreciate it. I don't need to tell everyone here what an emotional roller coaster this ride can be. In a perfect world, I wouldn't be on this website... and, frankly, none of us would. But the world isn't perfect, and life doesn't always deal us the cards we want. 
It had always been my intent from the first moment this situation came to light, to do everything I could to save the marriage. Divorce wasn't even in my vocabulary. In recent weeks, as I've come to accept that it is a very likely possibility, I wanted to check out this website, to seek the guidance of this community.

EleGirl - I will look into the book by Dr. Harley, with the understanding it may not provide the positive outcome I so much desire. But, at least I know I made one last ditch effort. Thanks for suggesting!

With regard to fighting for her love, I wasn't referring to physical violence. Quite frankly, I wouldn't stand a chance. He's a large framed 6'1" vs. my much smaller 5'8" frame. And, despite that I feel like I have a monster in me, common sense tells me that all of my emotional anguish wouldn't really make up for the size difference. Not to mention... he is 12 years younger than I am (13 years younger than my wife). So, no, I wouldn't confront, as in accost, him. He'd either laugh at me or knock me into next week, or both.

Does anyone know if approaching the other person, in a civil manner, is recommended? If so, any suggestions? Or, will that just backfire & blow up in my face, so why bother?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Generally approaching the OM/OW is not suggested. If they gave one hoot about you they would not be having an affair with your spouse.

If this man married? OR does he have someone else in his life? Telling others in his life is recommended.. even his parents.

Have you told your wife's parents and freinds about her affair? That's definately recommended.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It isn't the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. Let me assure you that he can be delt with in a physical manner without resorting to killing him, if one goes about it in the right manner.
I did it with one of my ex's studs before discovering that I would have to do it with at least fifteen other guys to feel vindicated.
Didn't even have to do any time, either since he never saw it coming.
Your best bet is to complete whatever steps remain to secure the divorce and try to do a better job of selection should matrimony come your way.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Demi left Willis ,for Kutcher and now Demi is ousted all together with the latters forsaking ....


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Affairs die. A guy who is much younger than your wife is going to vanish so fast she won't know what hit her. People are telling you to let go and move on for two reasons.
1. You are now released from your marriage and you can find someone who will value you.
2. Letting her go will give you the best chance of getting her back.

While you engage with her in any way your love for her will be eaten away. By the time she wakes up and realises what she has done, you will no longer love her. This may sound impossible, but it has happened to enough of us that we know it is true. 

Immediately go NC. No emails, no text, no drive bys, nothing.
Get on with your new single life. Move the furniture about. Go and buy a motorbike. START LIVING YOUR LIFE.
Read the Letting Go thread.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

~abcxyz~ said:


> Does anyone know if approaching the other person, in a civil manner, is recommended? If so, any suggestions? Or, will that just backfire & blow up in my face, so why bother?


I would not recommend talking to the OM if you can't afford the physical confrontation. What would you do if the conversation turns sour? If he pinches you on the cheek and calls you a sucker? And chances for that are high if he can sniff your fear of him. He was low enough to take your wife, you shouldn't count on him taking the high road and keeping it civil.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Nah, I don't think you're a wimp... _you're_ a P*SSY!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Confronting the OM never does anyone any good other than the possibility of it escalating into a physical altercation where you get the euphoric pleasure of watching him lie on the ground bleeding.
> 
> This pleasure is usually short lived once you`re arrested for battery though so..no you shouldn`t have confronted him.


Not only this, but odds are a year or so from now the OM probably won't even be in the picture anymore. Moving in with the AP ends up being the death blow to most relationships stemming from an A (my FWW didn't last 3 months staying with the OM)

That being said, it's over and you should be focusing on a D and what kind of girl you want to date next instead of what your WW is doing. She is dead to you.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

File for divorce.

Your real problem is your wife and not this other man.

Proving you can be in his presence is no big deal.

Move on and let her go. Divorce is the ONLY card you hold at this point. WHEN you file, there is a small chance she will realize what she is losing and try to come back.

I think people are being a bit harsh - which you aren't ready for. Try to ignore the delivery or the tone - and focus on what is being said. You'll see its amazingly consistent from one poster to the next.

Good luck.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

So sorry...

confronting the OM is a good play ONLY when you are able to look at it from another view.

One day soon, you may come to that view. Where you are laughing at HIM for now being with a woman who cheated. He gets the prize. The prize for last place. What did he win? Really. 

When you realise that YOU win, because you are now free to be in a real relationship, sure.. go see him. See how you feel then.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Nah, I wouldn't have gone in there. Chances are the OM wouldn't have done anything. Most OM are like Vultures, they're picking at your scraps but get spooked very easliy.

So, no. I wouldn't have gone in there. Keyed his car maybe....but wouldn't have gone in there.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

She is still actively in an affair and living with OM.... done, Divorce. It will be years before she is out of the "fog" if ever. IMHO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

~abcxyz~ said:


> bmichael... so you're saying you confronted you're wife's OM? Sorry, I didn't read through all of your threads before posting this reply. If so, good for you. Are you bigger than he is, or just didn't care what the outcome of your encounter would be?
> 
> Everyone seems to be missing the point of this particular thread posting. This thread posting had nothing to do with whether I should divorce, or even if I should have Manned-Up to my wife a long time ago. I know that to be true, I've been given that advice previously, and I'm not revisiting that.
> 
> ...


Work on yourself. Move on. If there are ways for you to go scorched earth with the other man down the road then do so. But do so with a clear mind. Not sure what confrontaion you want. This is way down the road. There may or may not have been a place for confrontation but what is the point now? I am all for holding the APs accountable. Both of them. That said it is your wife is is living with another man.


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