# Giving compliments to your wife



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Do you give them to your wife?

And if not, and your wife was wishing you did, would you want her to tell you? I wish husband would. 

Sometimes I think either he doesn't have anything to compliment OR he just doesn't. My thought is he doesn't have anything to compliment (because I have told him in the past "Babe I wish you gave me a compliment once in awhile"--when I do that, he'll give me a compliment the day or two after (then I'll kind of roll my eyes because I just told him that) and then I don't hear any compliments for awhile. 

Being pregnant and feeling 'not my prettiest' (while taking care of our other child and working full time) I just know I don't look my best right now. I wish he would compliment me on something physical once in awhile so I'd feel more special (he will say "this (blank) you made for dinner is awesome", but I'm hoping for some physical compliments once in awhile).


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

I complement my wife frequently. She laughs at me


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I used to compliment my wife on a regular basis. In my view compliments are gifts you give each other that say "I love and care about you". My compliments were never accepted and the gesture was never returned (10 yrs of marriage not one). I don't give compliments any more.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My H compliments me all the time! After 23 years with my ex, and no compliments...I thought H was blind or crazy. I think it was frustrating to him at the time if I laughed or rolled my eyes... I wasn't doing it to put him down in any way, but I didn't know how to take a compliment and didn't know if I deserved it. 

I did finally just start saying "thank you sweetie" and/or blowing him a kiss. I still think he's blind, or crazy, or just a very sweet guy being nice to his wife. I'm glad he does it tho, and I compliment him too.

*Edited to add: If you roll your eyes when he does what you said you wanted.... then why would he do it any more? Just say thanks...and maybe it will get more meaningful in time.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Shoto1984 said:


> I used to compliment my wife on a regular basis. In my view compliments are gifts you give each other that say "I love and care about you". My compliments were never accepted and the gesture was never returned (10 yrs of marriage not one). I don't give compliments any more.


I was on the same boat as you. She told me that she doesn't know how to compliment. I asked her - does it feel good for you when I do? Are you bothered when days goes by and I give you none? When she answered yes, I said well, this is exactly how I feel.

Now I "demand" compliment but in a funny way, and it kind of works.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> I did finally just start saying "thank you sweetie" and/or blowing him a kiss. .


Thats how its supposed to go. When my wife does that stuff back its a connection and it fills my heart to make her smile. Why any woman would intentionally eff that up can only be pathetic and unfortunate



SunnyT said:


> I still think he's crazy


Yea crazy for you



SunnyT said:


> or just a very sweet guy being nice to his wife


you mean "and"

Ladies get a grip on the compliment ruination


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Have you read/heard of 'The Five Languages of Love' ?

We read it whilst on holiday with friends, and found it amusing and interesting, and in many ways relevant. Reading through, we could instantly spot what our own primary languages were - and this is important, because you don't necessarily recognise things not done in your language.

My wife's language is 'words of affermation' - she likes to be told - how good she is, how wonderful she is, how much something is appreciated.

I don't. I don't notice much if someone says things like that (in a relationship.) Mine is Physical Touch - I like to be hugged, and have my hand held, and fleeting touches as we pass - my wife doesn't notice these.

So, she could be saying all sorts of things to me, and wondering why I'm ignoreing her, whilst I'm hugging her, and holding her, and lying with her head in my lap, wondering why she's upset, and won't stop talking!

So, having recognised these differences, we make concious effort to be aware of them - not to stop talking in our own language (that gets set young, by your family life, it seems) - but to remember to also do a running translation. So, I'll come up and give my wife a cuddle, and also say 'Hi georgious, you look lovely today.' and she's hear what I'm saying (whilst barely noticing the cuddle) - and then she'll say something I hardly hear, and kiss me just after - which I get.

(It's more complex than that, with secondary languages, and such, but that's the basic principle.)

Helped our communication - might be worth seeing if the ideas work for you.

The langauges are:
Words of Affermation
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Gifts

(My seconday is Gifts, btw .. helps that we know that too  )


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I read it last year (actually I read 3/4 of it, not sure why I didn't finish it). But I will have to go back and refer to it.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Well, YMMMV - but it's another little trick to have up your sleeve.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

A few months ago, I told hubz I really needed to hear aloud the nice things he claimed to think about me regularly but never said out loud for some reason (reason being he "just never thought" to say them.)

It was an issue for a bit then I just shut up about it and stopped lavishing him with compliments.

Lo and behold, slowly but surely, the compliments have started. I accept them gracefully (who doesn't love a compliment?) and appreciate the sentiment.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Speaking of the 5 Love Languages Book....







 Love Languages Personal Profile Test 


















My husband has always been very uplifting , never one short in expressing his appreciation, this has always kept me feeling very loved & cherished. Even when I miss it, he'll still love on me. 

For both of us... "*Words of Affirmation*" is #3 ...and we both have Time & Touch at the Top...

On My *Love Languages* thread... I shared a story of a couple I know ..happily married where she almost fainted when he gave her *his 1st compliment* on her dress/looks - on year 19 into their marriage!! .... my jaw dropped, Post #44 at the bottom >>  HERE


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

I've been married for 21 yrs...and I have never ever recieved a compliment towards me in person. I get the ..'' the supper was good" and all that stuff but not who I am as a person.
I"m at the point....where if somebody complimented me about what they like about me.....I would not know how to take it. 
I'm sorry I can't help you out here....I'm in the same boat as you but I've just learned to live without it.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

silentghost said:


> I've been married for 21 yrs...and I have never ever recieved a compliment towards me in person. I get the ..'' the supper was good" and all that stuff but not who I am as a person.
> I"m at the point....where if somebody complimented me about what they like about me.....I would not know how to take it.
> I'm sorry I can't help you out here....I'm in the same boat as you but I've just learned to live without it.


He has in the past, he just does a lot less now than before. I just miss it...I guess at the same time, I don't dress up as cute as before  I don't feel as good about myself as before, after this baby I will have to work hard to drop the weight. It would be nice to hear "you look so cute pregnant" or something like that though


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Do I give my wife compliments???? 

Of course I do....and they are 100% sincere. I am a big fan of giving compliments and building a person's self esteem in any way possible.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I used to compliment my XWW quite often. She rarely complimented me especially towards the end. 

After her affair started, (before I found out) when I would compliment her, she would say things like "You have to say that because I'm your wife". She even said I would compliment her because I have something to gain by complimenting her...WTF? The truth was, she was no longer accepting my compliments...only POSOM's. I have read their messages and he complimented her often, no different from me but I guess he had nothing to gain by that or somehow his were somehow more genuine? 

She can get her ego boost from somewhere else now.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> Do I give my wife compliments????
> 
> Of course I do....and they are 100% sincere. I am a big fan of giving compliments and building a person's self esteem in any way possible.


You sound like my SO and me  :smthumbup:


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Rags said:


> Have you read/heard of 'The Five Languages of Love' ?
> 
> We read it whilst on holiday with friends, and found it amusing and interesting, and in many ways relevant. Reading through, we could instantly spot what our own primary languages were - and this is important, because you don't necessarily recognise things not done in your language.
> 
> ...


That describes us also. My secondary one is quality time and her secondary one is acts of service. For V day I sent her an edible bouquet at work, but the thing that really ment the most was what I wrote in the card. 

To the OP, it is likely that your man's love language is not words of affirmation so he is very awkward at doing that and since it is not a part of his nature, he forgets about it. He may even think it is unnecessary. But do you know what HIS love language is? You really can't expect that he attend to your if you don't attend to his. This only works when BOTH partners endeavor to speak the other's love language to them.

To answer your question, I compliment her all of the time, but it would not be doing much good if her love language were gifts.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband compliments me, but I give give him more compliments and I thank him often for all the hard work/effort he puts into our marriage. My husband does so much for me, by doing this he physically shows how much he loves me. This means so much more then compliments. I couldn't ask for a better husband.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

ExiledBayStater said:


> I complement my wife frequently. She laughs at me


I do the same thing but the compliment is appreciated even if its not believed.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

He seems to be slowly coming around. I told him how it makes me happy but physical touch to me is most important. We've read most of the book before (languages of love), but I could go back as a refresher. Maybe we can re-read some sections too. 

I think I feel kind of down about how I look pregnant and so just right now it matters to me more and that's why I'm feeling like this. He does seem to be making more efforts though :smthumbup:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

H and I have had this conversation so so so many times. Compliments do not come naturally to him, he's not critical either.

We went from him never ever saying anything complimentary, except cooking skills, to him very occasionally mumbling that I look nice, or very nice, or nice blouse, nice hair cut. Insisted he couldn't use the word nice and had to come up with something, anything, other than nice.

Then he'd ask me what I wanted to hear. I guess only women understand how GD insulting that question is!

Finally a breakthrough recently. He told me that I needed to cut him some slack on his attempts. I needed to fully acknowledge them and fully appreciate them. So I did. The other day I was bending over to pick up the dogs bowls and he walked into the kitchen, patted my bottom and whispered, "nice a$$ Mrs. Pink!"

Exactly Mr. Pink! How can I reward your excellent taste in women's behinds?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> Sometimes I think either he doesn't have anything to compliment OR he just doesn't. My thought is he doesn't have anything to compliment (because I have told him in the past "Babe I wish you gave me a compliment once in awhile"--when I do that, he'll give me a compliment the day or two after (then I'll kind of roll my eyes because I just told him that) and then I don't hear any compliments for awhile.


Sorry to say but you are being unreasonable. You asked for and got compliments which you then dismissed. You wanted one type of compliment but didn't say that and didn't get it so now you're upset. After you asked for compliments what was the appropriate time for your husband to wait so that you wouldn't dismiss his complement? After dismissing his compliment (but not telling him what you were looking for) how many times were you expecting him to keep on fishing despite your negative feedback? 

At this point he has learned that you like compliments but not the kind that he gives. You would have been better off being direct: "I don't feel very attractive right now. " You would have gotten a better response. Instead you expected him to equate your vague request with "I'm feeling unattractive." Not reasonable.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Sorry to say but you are being unreasonable. You asked for and got compliments which you then dismissed. You wanted one type of compliment but didn't say that and didn't get it so now you're upset. After you asked for compliments what was the appropriate time for your husband to wait so that you wouldn't dismiss his complement? After dismissing his compliment (but not telling him what you were looking for) how many times were you expecting him to keep on fishing despite your negative feedback?
> 
> At this point he has learned that you like compliments but not the kind that he gives. You would have been better off being direct: "I don't feel very attractive right now. " You would have gotten a better response. Instead you expected him to equate your vague request with "I'm feeling unattractive." Not reasonable.



Thank you, this is actually really helpful to hear. I will take your advice into consideration when I respond to him. Thanks.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Then he'd ask me what I wanted to hear. I guess only women understand how GD insulting that question is!
> 
> Finally a breakthrough recently. He told me that I needed to cut him some slack on his attempts. I needed to fully acknowledge them and fully appreciate them. So I did. The other day I was bending over to pick up the dogs bowls and he walked into the kitchen, patted my bottom and whispered, "nice a$$ Mrs. Pink!"
> 
> Exactly Mr. Pink! How can I reward your excellent taste in women's behinds?


It all comes down to positive feedback, doesn't it? If you receive the compliment in the spirit in which it was intended, it encourages more. If he has success he branches out to other things. But if you get angry over something as innocuous as a meal he'll think that other topics are too risky.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Compliments show appreciation and recognition
of your spouse's qualities that you find attractive or admirable.

I used to compliment my xww all the time but her self esteem
was so low, that I would usually get a "yeah, right" response. 

Gave her flowers, took her out once a month (2 kids),
surprised her with jewelry.... and I got cheated on.

Not exactly a good return on my investment.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Compliments show appreciation and recognition
> of your spouse's qualities that you find attractive or admirable.
> 
> I used to compliment my xww all the time but her self esteem
> ...


I'm sorry that happened to you. My Dad used to tell me that for every crappy guy I met there was at least one good guy I overlooked. same goes for women.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I work with a guy who says giving out compliments is a sign of weakness, and that if you compliment an employee, they will then **** on you....I think he is SO wrong. He must have grown up with a terrible experience from his parents. 

I think it takes a person with lots of self confidence to see the good in others, and actually make the effort to tell someone else something positive.

I ate at an Arby's resturant the other day...and I wrote on a napkin..."you look beautiful in that red dress" and handed it to a complete stranger who was eating near me. When I finished my lunch and was leaving, she stopped me, and gave me a hug with tears in her eyes. I think it is amazing how something so little like this can have such a BIG impact on another person. I hope she saved that napkin with my compliment and went on to have a great day. 

Doing simple things like this makes this world a better place...in my humble opinion.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> I work with a guy who says giving out compliments is a sign of weakness, and that if you compliment an employee, they will then **** on you....I think he is SO wrong. He must have grown up with a terrible experience from his parents.
> 
> I think it takes a person with lots of self confidence to see the good in others, and actually make the effort to tell someone else something positive.
> 
> ...


Sir, you just made my day great! You just gave me an excellent idea for my novel. Thank you very much! :smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Sir, you just made my day great! You just gave me an excellent idea for my novel. Thank you very much! :smthumbup::smthumbup:


That is so awesome. Thank You!


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I enjoy giving compliments and the effect it has on the people I give them to, my wife, my children, co-workers, neighbors, friends, members of the congregation, staff in the shops I visit and people I meet in the course of my daily travels.

For those who find it hard to give compliments.

Why not start out with good manners, 
Please could you make me a coffee love?
Thanks for the coffee dear etc , all the rest just seems to follow.

Thanks that meal was great, can soon become, you’re a great cook love.

Did you enjoy the movie, can become. I enjoyed watching that movie together.

Let compliments become part of your everyday speech.

After all "manners maketh man".


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> Do you give them to your wife?
> 
> And if not, and your wife was wishing you did, would you want her to tell you? I wish husband would.
> 
> ...


Laugh - you are perfectly justified. Plenty of women feel insecure at that time. Note also though that if you have to 'fish' for compliments... that is what you are going to get and rolling your eyes because you hoped ffor more isnt going to get you anywhere either.

I didnt compliment my wife as much as I should have while she was pregnant I suppose. She may not have needed it as much as you do - but that is FAR too easy for me to say - we all like to feel beautiful and desired and validated. I probably dont express this often enough to this day. I try.

If its any consolation to you - I when we were having kids, when my wife was pregnant - I thought she was simply beautiful.

Doing things together can help I bet. Decorating the nursery, talking about what you want to do with it, verbalize your hopes and dreams, talk about names. Some guys may not be as verbal (goes without saying, right?  ) but you may find that put them on a 'project' and you may see a different side of things that may help you see how much he values you and your little 'work in progress'.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Decimated said:


> I used to compliment my XWW quite often. She rarely complimented me especially towards the end.
> 
> After her affair started, (before I found out) when I would compliment her, she would say things like "You have to say that because I'm your wife". She even said I would compliment her because I have something to gain by complimenting her...WTF? The truth was, she was no longer accepting my compliments...only POSOM's. I have read their messages and he complimented her often, no different from me but I guess he had nothing to gain by that or somehow his were somehow more genuine?
> 
> She can get her ego boost from somewhere else now.


And how exactly does this relate to the OP?

Dont worry - I'll answer that for you. It doesn't.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Compliments show appreciation and recognition
> of your spouse's qualities that you find attractive or admirable.
> 
> I used to compliment my xww all the time but her self esteem
> ...


I'd suggest that if you are looking for a 'return on your investment' you are doing it wrong. I mean - sorry you got cheated on - but I don't see that as being relevant for the OP.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> And how exactly does this relate to the OP?
> 
> Dont worry - I'll answer that for you. It doesn't.


Anotherguy, I was simply sharing and unfortunately venting my experiences on the subject of "Giving compliments to my wife"...Like the title say's. I'm really sorry if my comment didn't meet with your level of relevance. I don't know if you have ever had your life ripped out from underneath you from the betrayal of infidelity but as some here can imagine… I'm still a little bit sore. My response was an emotional response to the title of this thread only…it hit a nerve for me. 

After reading the OP's post I admit my response was probably not what she was looking for or on target for the discussion. I hope Yellowstar can accept my apology for that.

However, I feel your response to me was condescending, arrogant and unnecessary. 



> "Don’t worry – I'll answer for you. It doesn't"


Nice. Thanks for answering for me…because I am obviously incapable of doing that for myself? I would hope we would all try to be a little understanding and show some empathy for the situations of others on these boards. My comment may have been off target...your response was deliberate.

Anotherguy, since you are now the posting police for TAM. I will be sure to run all of my future comments by you for relevance and approval.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Decimated said:


> ...After reading the OP's post I admit my response was probably not what she was looking for or on target for the discussion. I hope Yellowstar can accept my apology for that.


So after someone mentions this, now you feel bad. Thats fine.



Decimated said:


> ...However, I feel your response to me was condescending, arrogant and unnecessary.


I think it necessary to point out the characterization of the issue as needing an 'ego boost' by a cheating wife when what we are talking about is a pregnant mom carrying a basketball feeling 'not her prettiest'.



Decimated said:


> ...I would hope we would all try to be a little understanding and show some empathy for the situations of others on these boards.


Exactly so. That is my problem with your post, and no.. I am not the comment police. I think projecting your (our) own problems onto other people on this board is a problem. I pointed it out.



Decimated said:


> ...My comment may have been off target...your response was deliberate.


Deliberate, yes.. thats fair. I agree, and I apologize - but lets not pretend to describe my post as 'deliberate' while your own was 'off target'. I hate to see bitterness and rancor leak into threads where it is clearly unnecessary and irrelevant.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> So after someone mentions this, now you feel bad. Thats fine.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So anotherguy, how much longer do you want to hijack her thread? I apologized to Yellowstar. I made a mistake...you're just acting rude and arrogant.

Enough already. You are embarrassing yourself.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I think everyone should give out a sincere compliment to a spouse (or total stranger) in the next 24 hours. You will feel wonderful after you do it....and they will to.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Kindness Idea | Be Generous With Compliments | Random Acts of Kindness


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Whilst I was serving in the military (Royal Navy) I had the pleasure of serving alongside a young Lieutenant commander (OF3) from the USN who was with us for a 6 month NATO liaison posting. 
He was more approachable / willing to listen to senior enlisted than my own officers, he would regularly compliment people he said that for him:

"Giving compliments is like driving a stick shift, it take a bit of work at first but soon becomes automatic and is so rewarding".

That analogy has always stuck with me.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I do but I don't think she is capable of absorbing it as I always get a dubious answer like: Me ; Hon you look good in that dress. Her: you think so? Said in a manner that doesn't dispute me but the meaning is well thanks but I don't think so.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> I work with a guy who says giving out compliments is a sign of weakness, and that if you compliment an employee, they will then **** on you....I think he is SO wrong. He must have grown up with a terrible experience from his parents.
> 
> I think it takes a person with lots of self confidence to see the good in others, and actually make the effort to tell someone else something positive.
> 
> ...


 Sir...as a female.....I would love to see more guys like you around. Men like you....can water the hearts of so many women like myself who need to have our dried hearts watered.

Several years ago (before I had kids)...I was doing a first-aid duty for physically challenged. Since I'm part of the ambulance...it's protocol to wear our uniforms. Before I could sit in my first -aid post....I had to go to the nearby highschool and get the paperwork. Anyways...the lady I had to see had the paperwork in one of the classrooms that had turned into a massage/physiotherapy room. Well....I followed her into the classroom and there happened to be guys (therapists) who stopped talking the moment I walked in behind the lady. She said a few words to me and I was about to turn and leave when one the therapists said to me '" Wow....you sure look good in a uniform."
I politely smiled and said "thank you".

I have no idea who he is....but I sure remembered to this day...because his words mean't alot to me.


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## likeaboss (Feb 21, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> Do you give them to your wife?
> 
> And if not, and your wife was wishing you did, would you want her to tell you? I wish husband would.
> 
> ...


I compliment constantly. A smoothie she made me in the am, breakfast, if she made dinner, how great she looks, etc.

It goes a long way.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Giving compliments allows you to focus on the positive in others...some of the people I work with seem to focus on the negative a lot. They like to complain about everything when they get a chance. 

I wonder why that is? Upbringing?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

I've been so miserable in the past that I am the most grateful man alive, and my wife hears it numerous times a day. 

There is a sign over the sink saying "Beautiful Wife" with flower designs on it I put up two days ago.

On the front door are two lists - one list of all the things I appreciate in her. On the other list are the things I do not like about her. That list is empty.

I tell her how happy I am. Just did that now. She really likes that because her whole world is about making her husband and kids happy.

Whatever she is doing, no matter how small, I will tell her that I see her doing it and appreciate it. "I see you cleaning here, thank you so much, it makes our life better..."

I could go on, but I mean every word of it. She is an amazing cook and I swear every meal is the best one I have ever eaten. I always have the kids say thank you to her, and we all tell each other numerous times a day how much we love each other. 

When she calls for us, all of us drop what we are doing and _run_. Although she is the softie with the kids, Daddy has made sure they know Mommy is the Big Boss.


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## setinmyways (Mar 3, 2013)

I compliment my wife 2 or 3x's a day. I wonder if its to many I've always belive if you do this she would never appreciate the compliments


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Do you give them to your wife?
> 
> And if not, and your wife was wishing you did, would you want her to tell you? I wish husband would.
> 
> ...


Hon, your husband is way off in jerk-land as far as my own belief system about a wife goes. 

But rolling your eyes after he has done as you ask is counterproductive. I'd say to try again and specifically mention that you are sorry for rolling your eyes at him when he did compliment you. Because I guarantee his reaction would be "that's the last compliment you're getting out of me" if you punished him for doing as you ask. 

There are very, very few things I ask my wife to do - she is way over the top the best wife I could ever want. But boy howdy if I ask for something and she does it then it is getting positive reinforcement.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> I have told him in the past "Babe I wish you gave me a compliment once in awhile"--when I do that, he'll give me a compliment the day or two after (then I'll kind of roll my eyes because I just told him that) and then I don't hear any compliments for awhile.


Rolling one's eyes is pure contempt. So you asked for a complement, he gave you one and in response you treated him with contempt. I'm surprised he compliments you at all.

A year and a half ago, I used to make my wife coffee in the morning. She actually found a reason to diss me for doing it and I have probably made about one or two cups for her since.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I compliment my fiance all the time but I'm thinking of scaling back. It's always a genuine expression of how I feel about her but I think it comes across as pedastalizing. 

We went to her sister/BIL's place for a weekend a month ago. Me, my lady, and her sister were having breakfast and I told my girl that she looked beautiful or something like that. The sister said "Oh, it must be so nice to have someone compliment you like that! My H never compliments me" 

The sister is drop-dead gorgeous, a solid 9+/10. 

Later that day, as we were going through photos, the sister kept referring to her husband as "f*cking hot" and "gorgeous." He's a pretty typical looking, not-fat not-skinny, somewhat nerdy, late-30s white guy and she was being totally sincere.

My girl talked about me like that...before we were in a relationship and before I was comfortable complimenting her a lot. I'm thinking there's a connection; lots of compliments look like supplication. I think I'm going to ease off for a while.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Speaking of the 5 Love Languages Book....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I find I need all the things in that chart.

I am also happy to give them in return.

I have broken up with someone because they just couldn't put in the effort I needed. 

If he didn't compliment me, and want to touch me I would feel terrible, definitely doubt his feelings for me.

Luckily he's very good at these things.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> I compliment my fiance all the time but I'm thinking of scaling back. It's always a genuine expression of how I feel about her but I think it comes across as pedastalizing.
> 
> We went to her sister/BIL's place for a weekend a month ago. Me, my lady, and her sister were having breakfast and I told my girl that she looked beautiful or something like that. The sister said "Oh, it must be so nice to have someone compliment you like that! My H never compliments me"
> 
> ...


So you belong with the sister.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> So you belong with the sister.


That's not what I'm suggesting at all. 
I'm saying - that maybe women find _receiving_ lots of compliments desirable, but they find the men who give them lots of compliments less desirable. 

Maybe it goes part and parcel with the idea of being less attainable and all that.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

My wife was always the type to brush off compliments. Her natural tenancy is to assume that people are insincere in compliments. It was so frustrating that I eventually gave up, which was a mistake.

Repetition turned out to be what worked with my wife. I focus in on one thing, and repeat some variation of a compliment about it--as many as a dozen times--over several days. Eventually, it clicks with her that I am serious; that I sincerely appreciate something about her.

In other words, I have to make a plan to compliment my wife.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> That's not what I'm suggesting at all.


Right.  I agree. 

I'm making that suggestion.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Yesterday....my husband told me that if he complimented about my beauty ( I"m tall, slim and blond) that he would be lying.

Right now I'm shellshocked...and trying to find ways to emotionally deal with it.

I guess now I know why he would never compliment me on anything or how I look....IT WOULD BE ALL LIES!!!!!!

Sorry about ranting....I needed to get this off my chest.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

silentghost said:


> Yesterday....my husband told me that if he complimented about my beauty ( I"m tall, slim and blond) that he would be lying.
> 
> Right now I'm shellshocked...and trying to find ways to emotionally deal with it.
> 
> ...


Silentghost, Your husband's comment sure makes him look like an ASS to me...and I don't even know him! If he can't easily recognize all of the good in you, he is one selfish, self centered, immature, low self esteem person. I was going to say "man" but I won't, because real men don't say things like that to their wives....or to anyone for that matter. 

I feel for you and am sorry you have to deal with someone like this. Don't let his insecurities bring you down for one minute!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

silentghost said:


> Yesterday....my husband told me that if he complimented about my beauty ( I"m tall, slim and blond) that he would be lying.
> 
> Right now I'm shellshocked...and trying to find ways to emotionally deal with it.
> 
> ...


Not ranting hon. 

This is the coward's way of saying "you're ugly". It's grade-school level name-calling, but hidden under a stupid veneer of phony nobility.

"I'm an honest person who doesn't want to lie so I could not suffer the loss of character involved with saying you're pretty."

So it is the third-grader calling you ugly but trying to pretend he is this paragon of good character while doing it. People call you names they want you to feel bad, right? See how it worked? 

So here is how to defend yourself: we know he does this to make you feel bad. Knowing his intention is the key to defense. Don't let him have his way. Because that is letting a third-grader beat you with infantile name-calling. 

I learned a huge insight through study: Watch your emotions consciously when you are with someone. Learn to identify them quickly, before they take over and affect your behavior. Say them out loud:

You want me to be angry.
You want me to feel guilty.
You want me to feel insecure.
You want my self-esteeem to suffer.

People exercise power over you when they can push your emotional buttons. If they have you in a state of anxiety, you are weakened, you don't think clearly, and you are easier to manipulate.

He can point to you right now and say "Just look at you. Look how emotional you are." He can do that without words, just by giving you the right condescending look.

Put the spotlight where it belongs: on their behavior. Not on groveling and shattering into pieces. You become the cool, hardened steel that these little stones bounce off of ineffectively. He is the little grade-schooler saying nya nya nya.

There are deep problems in your relationship. He was fighting this covert war against you that has now come out into the open. I don't know what it is, but the first step for you is removing this power he has been exercising over you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

silentghost said:


> Yesterday....my husband told me that if he complimented about my beauty ( I"m tall, slim and blond) that he would be lying.
> 
> Right now I'm shellshocked...and trying to find ways to emotionally deal with it.
> 
> ...


My first thought was to wonder if he had a death wish, or was just too lazy to file for his own divorce. But then I wondered... could he also be suggesting that the word "beauty" simply doesn't do you justice and is almost an insult to limit the iridescent glowing quality you have?

Sometimes to find the strength we lack, we have to make new meanings to old words, give hurtful things back and only take away something positive. It's not easy to do and it doesn't always work, but IMO any little trick to use to take away someone's power to hurt is something worth trying.

When we moved into our house YEARS ago, there was a warped mirror attached to the wall. It was warped in such a way that it slightly altered the appearance to one more thin. Just slightly. Ive never taken it down and though I know it's not accurate, it's the only one I look into and what I see I like! So that's the image that stays with me through out the day.

Don't allow his image to stay with you. You might want to think about wondering out loud, in front of him, if someone capable of uttering such hurtful things to his wife is worth staying with at all?


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