# Dreading Tomorrow- How do you survive the day they leave???



## Daisy42 (Jan 19, 2015)

Last week my husband of 20 years came home and told me that he is unhappy in our relationship and wants a separation. He said that he loves me, and I got the "its me, not you" speech. He did say that he wants to get counseling for himself first, then if his counselor recommends it marriage counseling. So maybe there is hope for us but he's been so mean and nasty that maybe he's just saying that to soften his blow. He said he thinks I'm a great wife that he has been a bad husband. He said that he's not cheating on me but I feel as if maybe he is having an emotional affair with someone at work. I can't confirm but he was unfaithful a long time ago and his behavior leading up to this announcement is exactly the same which is what is making me suspicious. 

I love this man so very much and have so many different feelings going through me right now. I'm angry that he didn't say something sooner so that we could have been working on being unhappy before it got to this point of leaving. I'm sad thinking that we may not make it through this and even more upset that we are not be moving forward with our plans of having children together-I've always wanted to have a baby with him and now regret waiting. I'm afraid...we've been together since high school so I've never been on my own and the thought of coming home tomorrow night to an empty house is terrifying to me. 

I just have this feeling that once he leaves that its totally over. Maybe that is the feeling that everyone gets when their spouse tells them that they are leaving. I don't know this is just all so new to me. He's going to be getting an apartment and leaving me with the house. I just feel like he'll be saying "well we tried" and then he'll just give up on us and move along. 

He is packing his stuff up and leaving tomorrow so I'm just dreading tomorrow and this coming week. I'm going to try to be strong and not cry and just let what happens, happens. Easier said than done. 

How did you make it through the first few days (most important!)/weeks/months of your separation? Should I get counseling too? How long did you wait for your spouse to decide if they want to get back together with you? 

While I hope we get back together I also don't want to be fooling myself. So I'd like to treat tomorrow (after crying once he leaves) as the first day of my life without him. UGH, can you hear my heart breaking???!!! 

Any advice that you are willing to give is much appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you going to be home when he is packing and leaving?

It might be best if you were not there.


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## Daisy42 (Jan 19, 2015)

My plan is to go somewhere, anywhere, just not here. I'd rather come home to an empty house than to watch him pack the car and drive away. That thought has me crying already....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is there someone who you can go out with or go visit so that you are not alone?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Definitely be somewhere else.

Definitely seek individual counseling.

Study up on the 180 and follow it closely.

Above all else...remember that you are still YOU...with or without him. Yes, there will be soul crushing moments but you WILL survive.

Come here and vent.
There are good people here who can help.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. There isn't anything he said that specifically he is unhappy about the marriage? I would be suspicious too that is cheating or has someone in mind he wants to cheat with. In my experience men usually don't leave a marriage that doesn't have any major problems to be alone. They leave to be with someone else. Sounds like you two have been together since you were young, maybe he wants to see what he missed out on by not dating more before he got married.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Daisy42 said:


> My plan is to go somewhere, anywhere, just not here. I'd rather come home to an empty house than to watch him pack the car and drive away. That thought has me crying already....


*Daisy: Despite how much it hurts you(and I know that it does), it will hurt so much more if you choose to be there during his physical departure!

And one other thing: When you do finally return to the empty home afterward, it might be a good idea to have someone(relative or girlfriend) come back there with you! Ask them to do that for you! You really shouldn't have to endure that "initial shock" of his departure all by yourself! And if they're able to, try to get them to stay overnight with you as it will sure break up the empty feelings of isolation and lonliness!

After all, that's what good friends are for!

P. S. And please take my other proteges' advise about immediately detaching and doing "the 180" on him. After all, it's all too apparent that he's made a willful unilateral decision to brazenly abandon you!*


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

Hello, I am so sorry you are here under these circumstances.

This is my advice:

1) Don't be there when he leaves. Go out with a friend instead. Or not, just don't be there.

2) Individual counseling for you also might be a great idea.

3) 180 ,180, 180. 


You are not alone, keep posting. -hugs-


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Sorry, very sorry

1. Make him give you a list of what he's taking.
2. Don't be there, you might want a friend there if you don't trust him to take all your flat screens, whatever else. Yes, that happens.
3. Not sure of your money, but it's key going forward. Quit spending on anything that isn't absolutely needed. If you can create a slush fund, do it.
4. Find an attorney, not to file, but to be ready. You might talk to three or four. DON'T tell friends if you don't want it to get back.
5. i can't get it through my own head but it's him, not you if you were a good wife, person, mother, etc. Sounds like you loved him and it's him breaking his vows - not you.

Find friends, go to counseling, rely on family.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I'll tell you what you need to do.

Go buy that vase you always wanted. And those scented candles. And all that chick stuff. And turn your house into the most awesome woman cave you ever had.

Then, have dinner parties. Fondue get togethers. Movie chick flick nights.

And don't even think about his sorry, stupid, a$$.

Time to show some girl power! Living on your own has its own benefits. Don't ever fear being alone. Being alone can give you strength.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

This is an aside...

But don't listen to him tell you all the things wrong with you. It will not help you and just adds to your misery down the road. You want to know, but trust me and everyone here, this isn't about you. It's about him and his justifications.


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