# I need thoughts and feedback Re: apology letter



## Faith and Hope (Apr 24, 2013)

Dear K****
I have been convicted by God that writing you this letter was something that I had to do. I was given this task over 2 years ago. When I felt close to God I would jot down things that I wanted to include in the letter, but in darker times I would think; K**** doesn’t deserve this, she chose to tear our family apart, she chose to selfishly turn her back on me and not even try to make things right. Why should I confess to K**** about how much damage I have done to her and the kids? I knew my actions as a husband played a huge part in your decision to divorce me, but I felt so much heartache and sorrow and shamefulness that the thought of writing it all down made my stomach hurt and anxiety begin to swirl around me. There was no way I could write this letter. 

A couple weeks ago we had a guest speaker come to my place to minister to our men’s group; I had never met the man. I heard a truck drive up and saw the driver get out and rush to the passenger side. The driver was helping the passenger get out of the truck and I thought; what is this? The passenger was our guest speaker, Tom. This man’s body was total permeated with arthritis. Tom’s body was permanently in a C-shape and was totally dependent on crutches, needing help sitting and standing. Tom was diagnosed with M.S. a few years ago and had progressively gotten worse. Tom lives out in the sticks with his wife and nine children ages 3 thru 23. The message Tom brought to us was not what you might think. He did begin with when he got the M.S. and how he worked at Motorola for 20 years until his boss finally said Tom, I got to let you go you can’t stand or walk anymore. Tom’s message was not about his lack of joy or his bitterness. His message was about his personal relationship with God and how he communes with God daily. We in the men’s group were blown away with his intelligence, love and grace. During the message Tom raised his head up, looked me right in the eyes and said; “Don’t you understand that Deny is the opposite of Confess?” I froze in my chair, Tom said Satan does not want you to confess your shortcomings, Satan will tell you; it’s too painful or the person you hurt doesn’t deserve your confession, I sat there dumbfounded. This was God’s grace speaking to me through Tom.

Even though you said I was in denial, I knew full well the huge mistakes I made in our marriage. I just never realized that confessing those sins to you was and is a part of honoring God and honoring you. I was a horrible husband. I did not take my responsibilities seriously and I lost everything. I never loved you the way God loves the church. I was selfish, self-centered, and a real ******* most of the time. If I would have put ½ the time I spent on my music into thinking about you and our family and our future, things would have been so different. I am the reason for the divorce. You had NOTHING to do with the break down in our relationship, it was my fault. I take all the blame. I was worthless has a husband and I’ll prove it to you. If I would have treated the people I have worked with over the years or the way I treated you on a daily basis, I would never have held a job. When people heard about the divorce they would say “What? You’re a good guy, your fun, you’re intelligent, and how could she do this to you.” No one knew the monster I was a home. I was totally out of control, and a jerk. I have never met or will ever meet anyone who loved as unconditionally as you. You are the best person I have ever known. You’re beautiful, smart, and possess a love for people that is truly remarkable. Dear God I beg your forgiveness for hurting my wife so badly.

I worshiped Idols. My idols were music, friends, smoking, practicing, success, teaching, drinking, hanging out late, fishing, and getting what I wanted. My arrogance, sarcastic remarks, always having to be right, blaming, being funny at the expense of others, putting people down, never trusting anyone, and always seeing the darkness in people instead of the light was how I looked at the world, just horrible toxic behavior. All the complaining I did about caring for the kids while you were working and asking M**** to watch the kids while I went fishing, God, that is just warped thinking. I was all about me and screw everybody else. The pain I feel in my heart as I write all this down is tearing me up from the inside out. I hurt you in so many ways. Looking over what I have done to you over the years makes me feel so ashamed, and the worst part about all of this is I always had an excuse for why I did what I did. I would tell you a million different reasons why my actions were justified. I was a sh%t-head, know-it-all husband that believed what I did was right, and you could not tell me different, you tried. I never loved you the way I should have. I know the reason you turned your back on me and our marriage, I completely wore you out! Looking back I remember you said many times “Something has to change, I can’t live like this!” I take full responsibility for the break down in our marriage, and the divorce. I pray you can forgive me. 

It is so important that you know I forgive YOU for any words or actions you were pushed into saying or doing in the last couple years including your decision to divorce me. I prodded and pushed you with blame and all you did was defend yourself. God, please stay with me! The shame and worthlessness I feel is unbearable. 
K****, I still love you deeply. Please forgive me.

B*****


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I don't know anything about your situation. So, I won't comment on the content. Instead, I'd like to focus on the purpose. 

Why are you writing this? 

Should you send it to her? How is she doing? What is she doing? Will this apology help resolve anything for her, or bring her more pain?

Do you hope to get her back? Is that possible? Is that right?

Okay, more questions than answers. Don't answer them to me or to this forum. Just think on them and pray about them, then re-read your apology.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I'm with the previous poster. I don't know what the purpose of this letter is.

If you really are going to send this letter (not the best idea IMO), give some serious thought to eliminating most of the first paragraph. It's very negative and seems passive aggressive to me.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

I find your letter to show true remorse. My marriage is failing for similar reasons. However mine involves infidelity as well. However, he hasn't owned anything. He's said sorry. But he hasn't truly owned it. And he still hasn't confessed. He's in denial. This type of remorse is what I've been waiting for from him. Full disclosure on what's he's done. My opinion, for what it's worth, is that this letter conveys a deep understanding and remorse for your actions. Perhaps this is what she's been waiting for (like me). Or perhaps it's too late. But these are words she needs to hear. At the least it allows her to forgive and you to forgive yourself. 

Wishing you the best...


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## Faith and Hope (Apr 24, 2013)

Thank you all so much for your replies. We have been divorced 1 and 1/2 years, after 23 years of marriage Yes I do want to reconcile. I put a lot of blame on my wife the last couple years. I blamed her for tearing our family apart with this divorce because she adamantly opposed seeking any kind of counseling to try and make our marriage work. She replied saying "This not all my fault, you continue to deny taking any blame." I think she needs to know that I was the problem. I think she needs to know I pushed her into this divorce. Still praying about all of this. Not sure about sending the letter. Again thank you for your help.


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## Faith and Hope (Apr 24, 2013)

Last night I was Baptised. All my kids were there along with my whole church family. I also invited my wife, and she came, she hugged me more than once and was so supportive. I GAVE HER THE LETTER AFTER CHURCH! She texted me the following reply: Thanks for the letter....dont know what to say..you are forgiven of course...I also ask forgiveness for all the pain I've caused.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Good luck, man. I hope things work out for you.  I had a similar idea, but wound up not sending the letter. Instead, I just told my wife the things that it said over the phone. Probably not the best idea. She said it helped a little...not enough to stop her from divorcing me, though. Maybe I should have sent the letter instead. (shrug)


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