# Am I in the twilight zone? Honest answers much appreciated..



## trustmygut (Jul 6, 2011)

Hi Everyone, 
I always find your advice and support so helpful- I am hoping you can help me again!

My husband has a friend who made some unwise job decisions- left the country for another job before he had a contract signed only to find out that they were not going to give him the job. He moved back to the US and asked my husband if he could stay with us until he got a new place. My husband told him yes and THEN told me about it, asking me if it was ok. I explained that I did not appreciate him making a huge decision like that without me, but then asked how long he wanted to stay. I was told a few days. I said no problem at all. A week later, my husband said it looked his friend needed a week and asked if would that be ok. I said a week is fine.

We have a very small two bedroom apt with only one bathroom. The bedrooms are connected by this bathroom, which makes for a tricky situation, but hey- it's only a week. 

Fast forward to the day before the friend moves in, and my husband tells me his friend says it may be more like 4 or 5 weeks. I told him that I felt very uncomfortable having a man in the house who is not my husband for that amount of time. I work from home and he did not have a job yet, so that compounded the discomfort for me. After arguing about it for an hour, it came down to the fact that this man has nowhere else to go, and my husband had already told him yes. I gave up but said I wanted a definitive timeline. 

The friend has been living here 5 weeks. He got a job, but doesn't start for another week. He does not contribute to the house at all besides walking my dog for me- he eats whatever is here in the house and shares our food when we order in. He does not buy groceries or clean (he did a dishwasher load once). My husband loaned him money twice (over $700) without talking to me about it first. My husband has filled his gas tank for him. Now I am being told the friend needs until mid March to earn enough money to move out.

To top it off, I feel like my husband and I are never alone. We can't have a conversation outside of our bedroom that doesn't get chuckles or comments from the friend. Yesterday, my husband returned from a 3 day business trip (so I am home alone with this man when he is gone). We were in the kitchen and my husband made a dig at me about our dog, to which I responded with a little snap back. We were joking as we often do, but immediately after my comment to my husband, the friend says to my husband, "Welcome home, John.... Welcome home..." I was ENRAGED. But I kept my cool and left the room.

Here is where we are now. I feel that my husband makes decisions without my input (he acknowledges this and promised not to do it again- he hasn't so far). I also feel that my husband doesn't "stand up for me" when his friend makes inappropriate comments like the one above. My husband says I totally misunderstood the "joke" and that I should not be upset. He also sees no problem with his friend staying here, eating our food and not contributing, and with seemingly no real timeline. To elaborate on my issue with no contribution- Though he has no job, he does have credit cards, which he told me he paid off before leaving the country. He also went to go look at a car to buy the other day (his car is a gas guzzler, apparently so he wants a better one), and when I asked my husband how he can afford a used car, but not an apt and has to borrow money from us- my husband said, "oh, he is using his tax return to buy the car." I asked why he didn't use the tax return for a new place, and my husband said that it was none of our business what he uses his money for. (He is right, it's not our business- but am I out of line in thinking he should contribute a little?)

I feel like I am in a guy's clubhouse- I am the outsider. I have been extremely busy with a work deadline, so I haven't had time to go out with my husband like we usually do. My deadline is over this weekend, so now I'll be more free to get out of the house and hang out with my husband. I'm hoping this clubhouse feeling will change once I can spend more time with my husband alone.

I just don't know if I am imagining this all and/or overreacting- as my husband seems to believe, or if I have a legitimate reason for being upset. I literally feel like I am going crazy. I ran it by my family (I never talk to them about marital issues, but I had no one else to bounce this off of), and they were also pretty upset. The overall reaction was that this guy should not be in the house anymore and that my husband really needs to let him know he is out of line.

I don't want to be the whiny jerk wife, but I am SO upset and uncomfy! Any feedback is welcome- if I am being unreasonable, please let me know!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

you're not being a whiny, jerky wife. You are being reasonable, your husband and friend are not.
Unfortunately, since you allowed him in, you probably can't legally get rid of him for 30 days with an eviction notice. It sounds like no rent was agreed on, so you are stuck for another month.
Evict him now. Who is on the apartment lease?
Tell your husband that from now on, there is a three day limit on guests. Tell your husband's friend to get off of his lazy ass and help.


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## trustmygut (Jul 6, 2011)

Hi Dan,

Thanks so much for your reply. I should not have said apartment. It is a 2 bedroom condo that is owned by my husband and myself. 

I agreed to let the friend stay until the middle of March, but that on the 16th of March, I will personally be letting the friend know that his time is up.

I feel terrible... Part of me feels like I am being a total jerk about this. Ugh.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

trustmygut said:


> Hi Dan,
> 
> Thanks so much for your reply. I should not have said apartment. It is a 2 bedroom condo that is owned by my husband and I.
> 
> ...


Do it in writing. I'm serious. This guy has a good life sponging off of you.


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## trustmygut (Jul 6, 2011)

I forgot to add that my husband and I have fought more in this last month than we have during our entire relationship. Every fight has been about this man, or the fact that my husband doesn't ask me before making decisions like allowing him to move in, or loaning him money, etc.

I expressed that we have been fighting a lot this last month to my husband and he said, "No we haven't. I don't feel that we have been fighting any more than usual."

I am lost....


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

Yes, this is a tough one. I too helped out a friend in need once, however I did discuss it with my wife, and it was for a definite, although a bit long period. You need to take a private time out with your husband, and set down some boundaries. Like, no more loaning ANY money without discussing it with you first, and a definite, he will be out of here by this time deadline. Also, if he is to stay there, certain cleaning chores, help around the house would be required. But also, keep in mind the level of closeness your husband and this friend have, and if it were a friend of yours, what would you do. Not saying you are wrong in your feelings, because I think you are not. Just saying that sometimes trying to see things from a different perspective makes finding an equitable solution easier.


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## trustmygut (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks, Oregon-

I completely agree with you. Though they have only known each other a year, they are good friends and I would want to help a friend of mine in need as well. My problem is my husband making decisions that affect me without discussing them with me beforehand. If it were my friend moving in, and my husband said he felt uncomfortable with the situation (which he has in the past when my best friend of 10 years asked to stay with us a while), I would (and did) immediately tell my friend I am sorry but it is not possible.

He told me that he thought about the possibility of me being uncomfortable, but then decided that I really had no reason to be.

I keep trying to think of reasons why I might be overreacting- maybe the stress from my work deadline, maybe the lack of sleep, etc.... but I am just so unhappy and I feel like my husband is putting my comfort second to his friend's. I feel that he is giving his friend permission to say disrespectful things to me, and that hurts.

sorry for blabbing on- it does help to type it all out though, I must admit.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You are not overreacting.

We have a rule at our house - No one comes with the intention of staying more than three nights. No guest over three nights unless it is further discussed. 

Also, it doesn't matter how big your house is, it is only big enough for one family.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

You are not being a whiney person. If I were you I would be very concerned for physical safety. This man is in your house when your husband is away. What is to stop him from assaulting you. 

In fact I would be telling your husband that it's either you or the friend. 

After the friend is gone, you guys need to have a serious talk about how important decisions are to be shared in a marriage. You cannot let this just slip under the rug. 

Good Luck.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

trustmygut said:


> Thanks, Oregon-
> 
> He told me that he thought about the possibility of me being uncomfortable, but then decided that I really had no reason to be.
> .


Your husband does not get to decide what makes you uncomfortable. Your feelings are yours and they are valid. He cannot just wave a wand and make them invalid.


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## Leaver (Jan 31, 2012)

My thoughts:

Theory - Your husband is a good man. Prob why you like him. He is helping someone in need. Don't be trying to put yourself in your man's shoes, put yourself in your guest's shoes. Imagine your husband divorced you, your parents would not help you nor would any of your friends. Your choice is to live on the street or crash at an aquaintence's. Or a shelter. 

However, you are right to be upset. Hubby did not ask. Hubby likely didn't know what he was getting into. Inviting someone in need into your home is NEVER as short term as you think. How long would it take YOU to reorder your life if everything was taken away? 

I see some people calling this guy a lazy ass because he does not have a job and resources. This can only come from an ignorant person. Jobs are not exactly hanging off trees right now. Not easy to get one at all. What the modern American jerk calls sponging, well, that used to be called helping people. Helping people is good. 

Solutions: You do need to find a way to solve your problems though. Mainly, decide what they are. Looks like the big issue is there is another man in your house who does not have the resources to leave. The best way to solve this problem is to get him out. Best way to do this is to help him move out. People often rent rooms out of their house, see if you can find one that is cheap. This means he can move out very soon. Instead of loaning him money, have your hubs set him up in a room rental. I don't know where you live, but this can often be done for less than 500. Finding him a really cheap place will also help ensure that you get that loaned money back. 

Some people here will tell you to just boot the guy. I don't agree - this will cause a deep rift in your marriage, deeper than what your husband caused. Booting the guy will make your husband resent you, and it is better to have only one party resenting the other than to have two parties resenting each other. 

Also, by finding him a room to rent, you will be able to know that, when you were confronted by this situation, you opted to do the thing that helps someone in need. 

Now, the flip side: 
You need to be firm with hubby. First, tell him if he does not do something about it you will go stay at a friend's house until he does. Be sure to arrange this ahead of time, so he knows you are not blowing smoke. Also be firm that, once this guy is out, NO MORE help, or then you are just enabling him. Also, if you don't feel safe, tell your husband, then don't ever be alone with him. In other words, he does not get a key. He is only in the house when your husband is. If he has to go sit in the park, so be it. He does not have the luxury of being picky. 

In short: You are right to be pissed, hubs did not ask. Set rules that make you feel safe. Help this guy get out of your hair.


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