# "Quality" Time in a Relationship



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

This was a brief discussion in a previous thread which seemed like it would make a good stand alone topic. I am going to quote a post from @EleGirl (hope you don't mind, you were the one who did suggest this would make a good thread )



> When I ask the question about how many hours a week a couple spends together, I qualify that I’m asking about times when it is only the two of them and they are engaged in quality time. Time watching TV, or going to a movie, is not quality time. They are not focused on each other. Going for a walk, holding hands, and talking is quality time.. or date-like time. Cuddling and having sex is also quality time. Date-like things are not just going out on a date to an expensive restaurant. When people date, they usually do a lot of simple things, like the walk, sitting on the porch and talking, going for a picnic.
> 
> The 15 hours a week thing is a Marriage Builder guideline for a marriage that is going well. He says that if there is a problem in the marriage and they need to rebuild the passion/love/attraction it might take a lot more quality time than 15 hours a week to rebuild it. Then after a time they can cut back to the 15 hours a week.


So, the way I read it, there are two components (assuming you use the Marriage Builder guideline). The first would be spending a minimum of 15 hours of quality time with your SO a week. The second would be quantifying what exactly is "quality" time.

Going with the 15 hours guideline, this seems unrealistic to me. This has nothing to do with making the marriage a priority, more that there simply aren't enough hours to do this when you factor in work, raising a family, etc... I know quite a few other people who agree as well, but they are also in similar situations as myself (work, raising young families, etc...). Now, if we didn't have kids, or had much older kids, 15 hours would be more achievable. Spending enough time together with my W has undoubtedly been an issue and a challenge over the years, so I am in no way downplaying this as I fully understand the importance (and actually enjoy spending time with my W). I rather focus on making the most of the time you have together, makes plans/date nights, etc... instead of just trying to hit some set hours minimum (which doesn't even take into account different situations couples are in). Obviously if you are actively avoiding or have little interest in spending time with your SO, that is a much bigger issue.

The second component is the definition of "quality" time, which I think may vary from couple to couple. In Elegirl's post, she mentioned that watching TV or going to a movie is not quality time. In my case, I would disagree with this. When my W and I do watch TV together, she always curls up on me with her head on my chest. If we on a rare occasion go to the movies, this means there are NO KIDS, which in itself is a big win. We don't need to spend hours on end staring into each other's eyes while having my W tell me what an awesome human being I am  After all, one of the great things I find is having someone that you are comfortable with where you can completely enjoy their company without feeling like you need to talk every few minutes in order to avoid the "awkward silence". 

Thoughts from TAM members, what do you consider "quality" time as well as what are your thoughts on the 15 hr minimum as set forth by Marriage Builders?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i agree.

watching t.v. together can involve conversation and cuddling also. which can then lead to other things.

as long as you're not in your own little worlds and there is interaction, t.v. time can be quality time.
laughing together at a funny movie or exchanging comments about some doofus on the screen.

some exceptions would be people who's eyes are riveted to some show and always say "ssshh!' when their partner has something to say.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

My wife's definition of quality time is watching TV with me. 

But she hates it when I have my phone with me and I am posting on TAM at same time.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> My wife's definition of quality time is watching TV with me.
> 
> But she hates it when I have my phone with me and I am posting on TAM at same time.


mine too. she doesn't even like me reading TAM. 'honey, you're missing this!"


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> i agree.
> 
> *watching t.v. together can involve conversation and cuddling also. which can then lead to other things.*
> 
> ...


Especially on the bolded, as many times it does lead to some post TV show activities (except if we watch The Walking Dead, says it is too disturbing and gets her too worked up to even relax lol). You can definitely watch TV together and still be engaged with one another. One thing I do is I keep my phone out of reach.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Now let's see ~ if the 15 hour "quality time together" weekly requirement equates to only "making whoopee," then I'm going to have to get somewhat analytical about that!

At a projected 15-20 minutes per session, that's 3 sessions per hour times 15 hours per week meaning that me and the old lady would be boinking 45 times per week equating to some 180 boinks per month; and effectively 2,160 boinks annually!  Divide 2,160 by 365 and you get almost 6 boinks per day; almost 42 boinks per week; and some 180 boinks per month! Stretching that out time wise, projected at 20 minutes per session, that would entail some 2+ hours of daily boinking; 14 hours of weekly boinking; 60 hours of monthly boinking; and some 720 hours of annual boinking! 

I'm here to tell you that if I boinked even half that damned much, I'd have little spare time to breathe air, drink water, eat food, or vociferously complain about sore aching bones, muscles, as well as one severely abrased appendage!

Initially, it sounds rather heavenly, but also quite hellish, all at the same time! There is no way that my poor ol' Willie could possibly endure that much lacivious fun, added to the sad fact that I really wouldn't want to be gawking at an old lady who was walking around bowlegged without the added benefit of some habitual horseback riding! 

And the even sadder fact of her gawking at me for being down in my back and running from her every time she made eyes at me! 

 Ces pas? *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Usually, people who argue that there isn't enough time to get in the 15 hours a week actually mean that they are prioritizing other stuff above that 15 hours a week with their spouse. Often, they had no trouble making that much time for each other while dating, or in the early years. But they either don't really think they should have to make that much effort for their spouse, or just let other things get in the way. It can be divided however works best for the couple, but 15 hours per week works out to roughly a little over 2 hours per day, or one hour per day during the week and 4 hours per day on weekends. It's pretty tough to argue that even busy parents with young children can't find an hour or so to spend some quiet time together every evening after the kids are in bed. Have a glass of wine or cup of tea, talk about the day, share funny stories, catch up with one another while snuggling on the couch, then head to bed for a little cuddle time and maybe some great sex. Spend a half hour in the morning to cuddle and chat in bed, have sex, or talk over the day while having coffee. Lock your bedroom door and let the kids make their own cereal and watch cartoons while you spend some private time together on Saturday mornings. Throw in a date night or an afternoon doing something enjoyable together on the weekend, and you're pretty much there. 

But to do all that, a couple has got to agree that the happy hour with the boys, or the hour+ of hobby time, or the sink full of dirty dishes, are not as high a priority as spending quality time with their spouse. Frankly, many people just aren't willing to make their marriage that much of a priority. Work, chores, kids, anything but their spouse and marriage, somehow just becomes more important. 

The couples who legitimately cannot fit in nearly 15 hours per week to spend time together as a couple are generally those where one spouse works out of town, the couple has opposite work schedules, or there are special needs children in the home. And those marriages, statistically, fail a lot of the time. The stresses and outside temptations of those lives, combined with not getting much couple time together, just erode away the connection that's required to maintain love. 

Now, as to what qualifies as "quality time", I tend to think that's going to vary a bit. My SO and I LOVE to watch television together. But we're engaged with one another while we do it. So, to me, that counts as quality time. If a couple is sitting on opposite ends of the couch while he watches the game and she scrolls through Facebook, without ever exchanging a word, then I wouldn't really call that quality time. I also view working together on the house, cooking together, gardening together, etc. as a source of quality time. The key there, though, being that you are doing it together and engaging with one another while doing it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We have "cøcktail hour" (actual cøcktails optional) in the kitchen after work, usually talk about our day. That leads cooking together, how we get most of our quality time. A 30 minute meal can take us 90+ minutes to prepare as we're usually talking and laughing and generally just having a good time. I've frequently recommended it to people on TAM, but it's never been deemed feasible. Too bad, aside from being together the teamwork aspect would likely benefit many couples.

TV time can be OK, if we share a couch and she lies on top of me without a bra. We actually bought a new couch to facilitate that more often and more comfortably.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We can easily spend 5 hours Saturday and Sunday doing things together that involve conversation, cooperation, and often fun, as well. Laundry and cooking, gardening and organizing the garage, etc., as well as going out for lunch and errands together all count, IMO. We probably do more than that, especially when adding in an hour or two of sex. Even if that only comes to 10 hours, that means we'd just need 1 hour per weekday evening where we interact. Most of that is taken up by sex, and more than rounded out with other projects and shared relaxation (we frequently pause TV shows and movies to discuss something). 

It would be harder to achieve with kids (especially younger ones). By the time we got together we had older kids who would often be doing their own thing, so we had time to spend together without having to include them.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

First off, I don't have kids so 15 hours is doable for us but it still seems like a lot. I would say that we're homebodies so if we're not at work (we have the same work schedule), then we're together at home. Now I do get out of the house more often than my husband, but this past weekend he was gone and I was enjoying my time alone for once! I think we can actually spend too much time together but I also wouldn't say that it's QUALITY time together. 

TV watching can be quality time but I think most of the time it isn't. In my eyes, it's quality time when we're cuddling and when our phones are not part of the equation. (Usually this also includes the dog because he's part of the family and can't seem to remove himself from my hip.) 

Going for walks is quality time. Going out to dinner/lunch/breakfast together is also quality time, as long as we're sitting face to face and the phones are out of the equation. We also cook dinner together most nights of the week and that's definitely quality time for us as we talk about our day or what's coming up during the week. Cooking meals together requires team work which is bonding. The night time pillow talks qualify (if neither one of us is falling asleep). And of course, sexy time is quality time.


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## vel (Aug 27, 2016)

We work together. We spend 24/7 together. Honestly there isn't even 15 hours of the week where we're apart, ha... Maybe 3.5 hours in the washroom alone? Hmm.

As for "quality time", anything we both enjoy together counts. Watching movies and TV definitely counts for us. In fact I'd say it's one of our biggest pleasures. Perhaps because we enjoy the same shows, and we're both thoroughly engrossed (we never talk when watching! but lots of cuddling), and love discussing it afterwards.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I believe in spending quality time together but the mariage builders guidelines are too high. We can also have quality time together with others as well such as our kids or while camping. 

The activities for us also include watching TV. We actually engage in active plot speculation or analyze things as they happen. This triggers a google search and some investigation of topics as well. 

The quality time we spend includes dinners (we eat dinner together 97% of the time), post dinner catching up on our days, weekend morning breakfasts, TV/movie watching, love making and other events. This totals up to be about 10 hours a week. Sometimes we exceed 15 hours but not regularly. We do have times of concentrated quality time when we do weekend camping and vacations. 

Last summer we went backpacking, just the two of us in the Dolly Sods where we were really alone for several days. Vacations like this really do help connect us for a good while. 

However we can also have busy weeks where we have less than five hours of quality time. What works for us now is prioritizing future quality time when we do have those deficits. There was a time when we let our busy schedules dominate but we learned that our marriage should be a priority and have gotten out of the habit of letting quality time slide.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a good read on the topic......


The Policy of Unidivided Attention


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> We can easily spend 5 hours Saturday and Sunday doing things together that involve conversation, cooperation, and often fun, as well. Laundry and cooking, gardening and organizing the garage, etc., as well as going out for lunch and errands together all count, IMO. We probably do more than that, especially when adding in an hour or two of sex. Even if that only comes to 10 hours, that means we'd just need 1 hour per weekday evening where we interact. *Most of that is taken up by sex, *and more than rounded out with other projects and shared relaxation (we frequently pause TV shows and movies to discuss something).
> 
> It would be harder to achieve with kids (especially younger ones). By the time we got together we had older kids who would often be doing their own thing, so we had time to spend together without having to include them.


Sex counts as quality time >


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I've heard the 15 hour thing before and really, I hesitate to define 'quality time' in terms of certain activities. For some couples, sex can't be considered 'quality time' because one or both of them might be so wrapped up in fantasies or thinking of someone else, or even having 'angry sex'. For some couples, going out to dinner isn't quality time because she sits there on her phone the whole time while he ogles the waitresses. My husband and I spend about 5-6 hours a week in the car together commuting. Most of that could be considered quality time, except for the parts when I block out his work prattle and just listen to the radio  15 hours might be an ideal to strive for, but couples don't fail if they aren't able to make that much most of the time. It's all about keeping the connection happening.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

We would easily get 15 hrs just on the weekends. It is a priority for us and we actually enjoy each others company so it is easy to do. During the week we would have another 15 hours of quality time. We cook together most nights, we have brekky together most mornings. Our kids are older but they still require lots of running around after and of course we have to feed and water them but life does get easier as kids get older. I only work out of the house 2 days a week so I do things like gym, shopping, ironing etc during the day leaving lots of free time for when MrH is home. 
We can easily spend up to 8 hours in a day outside together in the vege garden and tending the bees then another few hours in the evening cooking and sharing a bottle of wine or two.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I've heard the 15 hour thing before and really, I hesitate to define 'quality time' in terms of certain activities. For some couples, sex can't be considered 'quality time' because one or both of them might be so wrapped up in fantasies or thinking of someone else, or even having 'angry sex'. For some couples, going out to dinner isn't quality time because she sits there on her phone the whole time while he ogles the waitresses. My husband and I spend about 5-6 hours a week in the car together commuting. Most of that could be considered quality time, except for the parts when I block out his work prattle and just listen to the radio  15 hours might be an ideal to strive for, but couples don't fail if they aren't able to make that much most of the time. *It's all about keeping the connection happening*.



Yes, it's about keeping the connection happening! The time needed for this varies from couple to couple and the couples own priorities. One of the reasons we don't match 15 hours a week is that we also value feeding our souls with activities not necessarily marriage related. We still prioritize marriage time but we allocate a share of our time to these other activities. And we include as quality time learning and knowing what each other is doing and going through with these activities. This feeds us and our connections even though it reduces absolute time together.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've always been one , when I learned of it.. appreciated the Marriage Builders guidelines, as I REALLY enjoy being with my guy....I've felt this way from the time we met.. all my girlfriends took a hit...

I'd rather hang with him over friends, family.. even our kids...... I'd say we've always spent at the very least MORE than 15 hours one on one throughout all our years... I purposely will not work on his days off.. because we want our time together.. (very nice when the kids are in school!) 

I am one who would consider TV time as "Quality time".... as we cuddle & have our hands all over each other while watching ... it's very relaxing, we discuss /banter / laugh about what's happening, whether it be the news, some reality show...he watches Lifetime movies with me, documentaries too..... we don't do sports. I can see how THAT would not qualify if the husband was an avid Football fan & the wife wasn't... or if a couple was in the same room.. but basically ignoring each other.. 

I look at our neighbors.. I remember a discussion we had.. she said she's "all good" with her husband having friends over a few nights a week.. it's almost like she wants the alone time.. she is also someone who shops with her Mom, visits OFTEN with her, her sisters ....VERY family oriented.. if I was to compare MY life (how we are over how she is with her husband).. WOW .. the difference !! I am NOT close with my family.. no sisters...but with husband.. Oh my...he's the one I gravitate to.. we like being "joined at the hip" ...

I would NEVER want to go shopping with my Mom or friends (I like to get in & out !)... My husband appreciates that, I'd rather shop with him over anyone else (and he's all good with that)... it's just a different way - in what we enjoy.... as far as I know.. this neighbor has a happy marriage, 2 kids.. but I can surely say.. us having 6... even when many of them were small.. spent a lot more time together over this neighbor & her husband.... it seems to work for them... that's what's important... .. They are compatible in this way... 

Just as we are compatible, maximizing as much time as we can -getting off alone... I have even thought -for a time.. maybe our kids suffer a little cause we spend so much time together (we will shut them out at night)... are we ignoring them?? ... but then again.. we do our best to give them a happy home, friends always allowed over, to spend nights....we do family vacations....I don't think they are missing much.. they seem well adjusted anyway...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> We would easily get 15 hrs just on the weekends.


Either you live in a hobbit sized house or you outsource everything or you live in a high rise or condo of some kind. 15 hours a week of house and yard work is more like it. 

This explains why my neighbors outsource everything


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

john117 said:


> Either you live in a hobbit sized house or you outsource everything or you live in a high rise or condo of some kind. 15 hours a week of house and yard work is more like it.
> 
> This explains why my neighbors outsource everything


Read my whole post John. I work outside of the home 2 days a week and get things like ironing, gym, shopping etc done during the day. Our block is a fairly standard 800smt suburban block but we are both keen vege gardeners and every few weekends can easily spend the whole weekend outside together.

Not sure what a hobbit sized house means but the house is reasonably big, 52 sq's, two storey but we have an all in system here with housework. We do have some things outsourced.

Not really sure what you are getting at :scratchhead:


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> 52 sq's


I want pics of the bees. 52 square meters, right? Do you count kitchen, bathroom and hallway space? (They don't in Germany and it makes apples to apples difficult with friends there, in US we basically count everything from the exterior walls in.) 52 per floor/stores or across both? Just curious, more a cultural thing than being nosy.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> I want pics of the bees. 52 square meters, right? Do you count kitchen, bathroom and hallway space? (They don't in Germany and it makes apples to apples difficult with friends there, in US we basically count everything from the exterior walls in.) 52 per floor/stores or across both? Just curious, more a cultural thing than being nosy.


Well I would love to post pics of the bees but have a strict no photo policy online. Happy to answer questions though. I am a novice, MrH is an old timer. Sadly though we have just lost one of the hives due to disease 

OK house sizes: we measure everything under the roof line but not the alfresco area. 52 sq I think is around 5200 s ft? Help... the house is approx 20 x 12 mt x two storey = 480 sqr mtrs divided by 9.29 = 51.66 sqrs = 5200 sq ft. Or I may be way off. either way it is a good size home, not too big, not too small.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Re: &amp;quot;Quality&amp;quot; Time in a Relationship*

I'm afraid my Aussie to Yank conversion kit is on back order 

Our McMansion is 6000 sq ft on 3 stories, (560 sq meters give or take), that is 5 bedrooms, 7 baths, 2 kitchens, 2 offices, etc. The house is not too bad but outside work is a killer. It sits in half an acre of grass with maybe a dozen mature trees. Those trees have leaves which need picking in the fall, shrubs, deck that needs sealed, driveway that needs sealed... 

The inside is pretty simple to clean, and with just two of us not too time consuming. But Aussie weather is not the wasteland we have in the winter, or the rainy spring, hot summer... 

Add cycling to that and you really have a remarkably time consuming scenario.

We are beginning to outsource things like painting, something I'm very good at but... I've repainted ground and 2nd floor but 1st floor has some 15-20 ft ceilings and  I'm too old for that.

You also may not be familiar with the American fetish of "non training training". That is when your employer requires a skill but won't give you time to train. So, it's not uncommon to spend time on weekends learning things like "Microsoft SSRS Advanced Multidimensional Reporting" or "Android Material Design". That's how it is. 

I've long lobbied for dumping the McMansion but it seems I'll be dumping my roommate first instead 

Interesting: http://www.realestate.com.au/advice/is-bigger-better/


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: &quot;Quality&quot; Time in a Relationship*



john117 said:


> I'm afraid my Aussie to Yank conversion kit is on back order
> 
> Our McMansion is 6000 sq ft on 3 stories, (560 sq meters give or take), that is 5 bedrooms, 7 baths, 2 kitchens, 2 offices, etc. The house is not too bad but outside work is a killer. It sits in half an acre of grass with maybe a dozen mature trees. Those trees have leaves which need picking in the fall, shrubs, deck that needs sealed, driveway that needs sealed...
> 
> ...


Sounds fab but would be too big for us as the kids (x 5) are here a mix of almost full time to 50/50. The norm here now is to have an ensuite with each bedroom but it just seems silly to us as it narrows down the resale audience. House is new so pretty much zero maintenance. Would love to have 1/2 acre but the only way to do that where we live would be to buy two houses. Our front yard has an ornamental lawn and paving so mowing about once every 2 months woohoo. Back is lots of decking and vege patches so not much to mow.

MrH may occasionally do some work at home but not enough to mention. 


Oh and our weather is a disaster ATM, extremely wet for this time of year but no doubt a mega hot summer is not far off.

ETA just reread the post, to clarify "we would have to buy two houses to knock down and then rebuild". The only way to build new here close to the city is to buy an old house to knock down. It is insanity at its finest, just to buy and knock down one house was over 1mil and then the new house cost on top of that, landscaping etc.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's too big for us but the cat loves it. The biggest issue / time waster is yard work. About a dozen mature trees, another 10-12 large evergreens, and probably 60-70 shrubs and roses in multiple flowerbeds. Undocumented Gardener John at your service 

Just to give you an idea of time... My driveway is quite long. And two patios of maybe 25 sq m each and a 75 sq m wooden deck. Plus retaining walls. They all need washing with a pressure washer, then water sealer. This took a month of evenings and all weekends... If you don't do it, the cold and hot of it damages everything...


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

We fit in our quality time and quite easily over the 15 hour time.

We enjoy spending time with the kids and many laughs and bonding between my husband and I come from that.

We spend early mornings and portions of our day laughing and playing with our dog. Sometimes we laugh until our stomachs hurt. That's quality bonding time also.

We go outside and work on the yard, laughing and talking.

We share early mornings together talking about random things.

It's not the things you really think about, but rather the moments you don't that consist of quality times between a couple. Sometimes he likes to watch "his" show or the game on tv while I just cuddle with him and fall asleep on his shoulder. Shoveling snow together after a snowstorm and throwing a snowball or two at each other.

How about when he's changing the oil in my car and I'm handing him the tools or holding the flashlight? To me that's quality time also.

It's the little things that make me love my husband more everyday. We've become such homebodies and even going out to a restaurant seems like a hassle sometimes. More than anything, it's being so comfortable with each other that sitting around in a pair of sweats after a long day at work is just so much more comfortable than getting all dressed up to go get a steak rather than just enjoying each other's company while he throws a couple of steaks on the grill while we share a couple of beers.

A quiet bonfire in the backyard has become one of our favorites. Whether it's us and the kids, just us, or inviting a few friends over..it's still bonding time. Nothing better than smelling my husband after sitting around the campfire all evening...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

*Re: &amp;quot;Quality&amp;quot; Time in a Relationship*



john117 said:


> I'm afraid my Aussie to Yank conversion kit is on back order
> 
> Our McMansion is 6000 sq ft on 3 stories, (560 sq meters give or take), that is 5 bedrooms, 7 baths, 2 kitchens, 2 offices, etc. The house is not too bad but outside work is a killer. It sits in half an acre of grass with maybe a dozen mature trees. Those trees have leaves which need picking in the fall, shrubs, deck that needs sealed, driveway that needs sealed...
> 
> Interesting: Australian houses are getting bigger


Good grief! You're not kidding about it being a McMansion. I can just keep up with 1 kitchen; I can't imagine keeping up with 2! My kitchen is very large too.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We downsized fairly early (I was 40) when we realized why do we want to stay in what was supposed to the family house when knew we weren't having kids. On topic, one way we help to maximize quality time is we've always had cleaning help once a week or every two weeks.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

We do have a large house, the idea of downsizing does sound appealing, but we will deal with that later down the road once the kids are out of the house (and change all the locks so they don't try to come back!). 

In regards to the topic, I would say during the week my W and I average less then 5 hours "quality" time. Even factoring in the weekends it doesn't get a whole lot better. I do make more of an effort to plan time to ourselves where possible (take days off from work when the kids are all at school, dinner/concert, a couple of 2-3 day trips planned, etc...).


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

One of the factors in our move was to reduce our commute time and time looking for parking, leaving more quality time at home. That and a lower maintenance home (fairly recent condo vs. Victorian era townhouse) make the burbs bearable.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

john117 said:


> Either you live in a hobbit sized house or you outsource everything or you live in a high rise or condo of some kind. 15 hours a week of house and yard work is more like it.
> 
> This explains why my neighbors outsource everything


IIRC, your kids are out of the house and in college or have graduated and are working? I dread my last two leaving home because they're my lawn slaves! Once they go, DH and I will have to do all of the yard work. As things stand now, we can knock the work out in under 2 hours with all 4 of us doing it. 

15 hours a week isn't that much. It averages out to about 2 hours a day. Even when the kids were little, that was doable. 

*Sleep schedule is important. I had the kids set to go to bed at 8 pm from infancy on. After 9 pm was adult time. Bedtime alone bought us about 1-2 hours a night, depending.

*A few dishes in the sink or a load of towels in the dryer could wait if it meant having a bit of time together.

*We did weekly family room dates. The kids got pizza and run of the living room, they could sack out on the floor, build forts, play board games, watch TV, whatever, just as long as they didn't bother us for anything less than blood, vomit, or fire. Older kids watched younger kids. Worked really well. Even if I had a big clean up the following morning the couple time was worth it. 

Just those 3 simple things added up to about 10 hours a week or more.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We opted for low maintenance housing with nice landscaping, and since it's just the two of us, we only need a modest amount of space. Occasionally we'll take on a renovation or redecorating project. Our yard has no lawn at all. It's all shrubs, trees, ground cover, and gravel. There's no mowing, but we occasionally have to deal with weeds, trim bushes and trees, and plant new things. Gardening takes a few hours a month, and the housework takes a few hours a week - we do a lot of those things together, but have a lot more free time to spend together or on various projects. Our commutes are 10 to 15 minutes each way, though she has had some longer ones occasionally. And we have no pets or boats or other such toys (a.k.a. time and money pits) - we have friends with those or can rent! We have a lot of quality time, and we really do like spending our time together.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Double post.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

@john117
"Our McMansion is 6000 sq ft on 3 stories, (560 sq meters give or take), that is 5 bedrooms, 7 baths, 2 kitchens, 2 offices, etc. The house is not too bad but outside work is a killer. It sits in half an acre of grass with maybe a dozen mature trees. Those trees have leaves which need picking in the fall, shrubs, deck that needs sealed, driveway that needs sealed..."

And, here I was, thinking that a McMansion in Kentucky would be the equivalent of a log cabin with indoor plumbing.:wink2:

The lure of such a large house for a small family eludes me. It almost cries for outside help. At least, I'd be crying if I had to clean that monster.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TV watching for us was almost a contact sport. We loved the whodunits and guessing the culprit right from the gate. The remote became a prize to grab, stop and replay to catch a clue. Dissecting the director, editing, acting, props and bloopers was total fun for 1-2 hours per night. Gardening together was also fun albeit more low key because the neighbors might be watching.

Anything two people enjoy doing together counts as quality time. Obviously, if one person is distracted with a phone or whatever then the other person will not be feeling good about it.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> TV watching for us was almost a contact sport. We loved the whodunits and guessing the culprit right from the gate. The remote became a prize to grab, stop and replay to catch a clue. Dissecting the director, editing, acting, props and bloopers was total fun for 1-2 hours per night. Gardening together was also fun albeit more low key because the neighbors might be watching.
> 
> Anything two people enjoy doing together counts as quality time. *Obviously, if one person is distracted with a phone or whatever then the other person will not be feeling good about it*.


It blows me away how often we see couples out and one or both are on their phone, even if sitting at the table having dinner.

We go out to dinner at least once per week and to other things like music or show once a week, we only ever take one phone with us so kids can contact us in an emergency. No phones out at the table. 

Actually even when we are at home there isn't a time we would be sitting there on our own phone, ignoring the other.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> It blows me away how often we see couples out and one or both are on their phone, even if sitting at the table having dinner.
> 
> We go out to dinner at least once per week and to other things like music or show once a week, we only ever take one phone with us so kids can contact us in an emergency. No phones out at the table.
> 
> Actually even when we are at home there isn't a time we would be sitting there on our own phone, ignoring the other.


I've seen this as well. I've seen parents and kids on devices for more than 60% of the dinner without talking much at all.

But our family was also all using our phones at dinner once to figure out which of the neighboring states reciprocated our states learner permit because we were trying to plan an outing for our new driver. To other tables it may have looked as if we were disconnected. I wouldn't call this quality time with the wife but it was quality family time.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> @john117
> "Our McMansion is 6000 sq ft on 3 stories, (560 sq meters give or take), that is 5 bedrooms, 7 baths, 2 kitchens, 2 offices, etc. The house is not too bad but outside work is a killer. It sits in half an acre of grass with maybe a dozen mature trees. Those trees have leaves which need picking in the fall, shrubs, deck that needs sealed, driveway that needs sealed..."
> 
> And, here I was, thinking that a McMansion in Kentucky would be the equivalent of a log cabin with indoor plumbing.:wink2:
> ...


Hey! 

The lure was a good school district and stable property values. Part of the reason I want a divorce is that wifey is too enamored with her square feet and wants to hear of no plans that involve selling.

Cleaning is much easier than you think, btw. The main issues I have are diminished opportunity to sell once house is > 15-20 years old, potential maintenance issues, and landscaping work.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

meson said:


> I've seen this as well. I've seen parents and kids on devices for more than 60% of the dinner without talking much at all.
> 
> But our family was also all using our phones at dinner once to figure out which of the neighboring states reciprocated our states learner permit because we were trying to plan an outing for our new driver. To other tables it may have looked as if we were disconnected. I wouldn't call this quality time with the wife but it was quality family time.


When my W and I go out to eat, I make it a point to keep the phones to the side. We do bring the ipads for the kids periodically when we go out to eat, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do just so you can actually enjoy a meal out in peace


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Honesty is a crucial factor that will help you build trust. But, always remember that you will be honest with your partner only when you will be honest with yourself. More you spend time together, stronger your bonding will get. So, no matter how busy or occupied you are, always arrange the time for your partner. The relationship gets better when you listen to each other heartedly.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

EllisRedding said:


> Thoughts from TAM members, what do you consider "quality" time as well as what are your thoughts on the 15 hr minimum as set forth by Marriage Builders?


We haven't counted number of hours spent as 'quality time' but reading this, I feel it's a guideline to help bring focus back on the relationship. Sex, kissing, massage, intimacy, showering together (dancing together!) that kind of thing, is quality time. 

Some other ways we share quality time are a weekend breakfast date out. It's only about an hour but always good conversation and it's become a routine that we both cherish and look forward to. The other night I got home from the hair salon and he commented 'Wow, you look gorgeous, can I take you out to dinner?' ...Nice. The drive to restaurant was scenic and we chatted all the way, mostly about cars and which one he's getting, then fun conversation at dinner that ended with talking about Bruce Springsteen and him selecting certain songs to play on the way home. 

Other quality time is working in our yard together. I particularly like when we're working on the same area together. He might be using the chainsaw while I'm pulling ivy, but being in the same vicinity as a team, is quality time to me. The best moment recently for me, was when we stopped for a break and I brought out a snack and cup of tea, him eating and drinking sitting on the ride-on, my tea cup balanced on the front of it, just chatting away... mostly about politics. Even running to the hardware store together, grabbing coffee on the way, is quality time. That might be errands/chores to someone else. 

Working on a project together is something our therapist suggested when we were going a couple years ago. We didn't come up with anything. Now I'm seeing all kinds of projects we're lining up together, naturally as part of our shared goals and working towards things together. 

I would consider TV and movie viewing could be quality time but it depends. If there's a show where we have running commentary between us, I love that. Or if we're physically close. A movie could include chatting about it afterwards. However it is different to being completely focused on each other. The other day I got home from coffee with a friend. He'd decided that was going to be his 'football' time. He was still watching a game when I returned. He paused it to explain part of the rules and I watched with him.


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