# a new twist to the story.....



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

So If you've read my first post 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/30706-lifes-too-short.html

You know that my husband and I have our differences, and I believe that the things we want in life have changed. I am trying to accept this and compromise to make things work, however there is one topic that I can't get a straight answer on and that is CHILDREN.

Prior to marriage, my husband stated he wanted 2 children. Not something he really seemed excited about or talked about often. Mostly he said, "when we have enough money I'd like to have kids, but I don't think you should ever have just one...two is good" have really discussed it since. NOW 30 is around the corner and alot of my friends\cousins have babies and I feel I will be ready really soon. He says he doesn't know if he wants any anymore and thinks we are both too selfish! I told him that I know I'm not and I told him the reason's I wanted them (he asked) I told him I reallllly need an answer on this because it's a deal breaker for me if he doesn't want any. He says he really can't answer that because he doesn't know. He doesn't think we have time, he doesn't have enough time for himself as it is and he doesn't want me to get burned out with them when he's at work all the time and come home to them being thrown on him. SO, if we can compromise and start to work everything else out, what do I do about this situation? How can I get him to look inside himself for the answer? It seems like an easy question to me. I want husband that is SO ecstatic to have a baby and to see his kids. I think he would be a good dad, he's good with kids.....PLEASE HELP!!

and yes I know DO NOT HAVE KIDS NOW when you are in this situation. I'm looking into the future and just having the option if\when I'm ready! Thank you in advance


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## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

Does anyone have any advice? Please


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My ex sounds like your husband, she was never sure about wanting kids but had them to make me happy. I spent most of my marriage feeling like a single parent. I had hoped she would grow into the job of being a mother but she never really did. When she moved out she wanted her horses and told me I can keep the kids. 

So....If your hubby is unsure about kids that's one thing, but if he is constantly saying no or not now or I'm too selfish than you need to except that he doesn't want kids. Would he feel different once a kid came along? Possibly, kids make your heart grow ten times it's normal size, for most of us anyway. 

You're in a very hard spot, if you divorce him are you willing to have children as a single mother? It's not like you can go to the store and pick out your next husband and start a family this weekend, divorce, meeting someone new, dating, marriage, could take several years. But if you want a family and he doesn't and you stay together you will always feel unfulfilled to a degree, and probably resentful.

I think you need to sit him down and make a plan. First he needs to say yes or no about having kids, no more wishy washy answers. If no then you have a decision to make, stay or leave. If yes than you need a time line, one year or whatever you can live with. 

Good luck


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## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

Cooper said:


> My ex sounds like your husband, she was never sure about wanting kids but had them to make me happy. I spent most of my marriage feeling like a single parent. I had hoped she would grow into the job of being a mother but she never really did. When she moved out she wanted her horses and told me I can keep the kids.
> 
> So....If your hubby is unsure about kids that's one thing, but if he is constantly saying no or not now or I'm too selfish than you need to except that he doesn't want kids. Would he feel different once a kid came along? Possibly, kids make your heart grow ten times it's normal size, for most of us anyway.
> 
> ...


Thanks Cooper,

I told him that it was a deal breaker and I would always resent him if he doesn't give me the family that I want, when we are ready. The thing is he will NOT give me a yes or no answer.... I don't know if HE knows... His parents divorced when he was really little and he never really knew his dad so I wonder if he's just scared..OR does he just really not want to share his life. When he asked me WHY I wanted to have kids, it was almost like he was looking for a reason for himself, like maybe my answer would intrigue him to want them (more). How do I get an answer, so I know I'm not getting strung along. He could just tell me yes to get passed this and then "change his mind" again : ( It's a little scary. and NO NO NO I DO NOT want to be a single parent NO NO NO!!! Do I give an altamatum. I don't want to be a nag.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I wouldn't use the word ultimatum to him but I would be up front an honest with him. "Listen dear, I want kids, I want to be a mother and I want us to be a family, and the time is now, I love you and I want to raise a family with you, I think you would be a great dad. 

He has to make a decision of yes or no, "I don't know or I'm not sure" is just stalling for time, I would interpret that as a no, but that's me. 

I haven't read your other post so am not aware of what else is going on in your marriage but there's also the chance that he wants kids but just not with you as things are. I don't mean for that to be insulting but if there's a bunch of peripheral drama going on he could just be keeping himself in check until he sees how things shake out.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Cooper said:


> I wouldn't use the word ultimatum to him but I would be up front an honest with him. "Listen dear, I want kids, I want to be a mother and I want us to be a family, and the time is now, I love you and I want to raise a family with you, I think you would be a great dad.
> 
> He has to make a decision of yes or no, "I don't know or I'm not sure" is just stalling for time, I would interpret that as a no, but that's me.


If I was a guy, that would sound like an ultimatum. No matter how nice you gloss it over, any man or woman would view that as an ultimatum. I want kids now or soon, make a decision is what I would only hear.

Give him a firm date or amount of time to think it over. Also, depending on how kids you want, you can still have kids in your mid late 30's. My wife had our 3rd child when she was 36. If you only want 1 kid then you've got time. If you want multiple kids then time could be a factor in your decision.

But then you have to figure, dating, finding that special someone then getting married again. How long will that take if I leave my husband, another 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 years?


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## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

Cooper said:


> My ex sounds like your husband, she was never sure about wanting kids but had them to make me happy. I spent most of my marriage feeling like a single parent. I had hoped she would grow into the job of being a mother but she never really did. When she moved out she wanted her horses and told me I can keep the kids.
> 
> So....If your hubby is unsure about kids that's one thing, but if he is constantly saying no or not now or I'm too selfish than you need to except that he doesn't want kids. Would he feel different once a kid came along? Possibly, kids make your heart grow ten times it's normal size, for most of us anyway.
> 
> ...


His answer varies from "I don't want any, no time...to we're not ready with the way our lives are" It's a mixed message.

I would like two, so time is of the essence....sort of! I feel like a counselor is our only hope for drawing a straight answer from him.

In my heart I think that he would like a couple kids if we had a 100% perfect marriage, income, life etc. welll ..... life isn't always perfect and if he's waiting for that, he may wait a LONG time, especially if he's not willing to compromise on the other things. IDK... I hate to say it, but he is wasting a lot of my energy when I know there are other men that would appreciate the life I am after and have to offer!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your husband does not have the same biological clock running against him. He's indifferent. Question to yourself is: how long do I wait?

I tried looking at this from several directions and realize this a difficult situation for you to be in.

So many questions to ask yourself...

Do you want children at any costs? Even if you have to divorce?

What if you stayed with him and never have a child? Will you grow resentful as the years go by?

Is your husband more valuable than having a child? What if he changes? What if you change?


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## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

Wow, this one is tough. The only thing I can share is based on my personal experience. My husband is much older than me so we thought we had plenty of time to have kids. I am 34 now and we were beginning to try to have a kid when he let the cat out of the bag regarding how unhappy he is in our marriage. 

The reason I am sharing this with you is that if my marriage is not saved then more than likely kids are no longer in my future and I feel a huge amount of resentment for that. 

My husband indicated he began having his feelings three years ago but never shared them with me. A little part of me thinks if we had divorced three years ago at least I would have had a chance. Now, I probably have no chance. 

What I am trying to say is if this is a deal breaker for you than better to know early and have a chance than to wait years and years and run out of time.


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## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

hoohagirl said:


> Wow, this one is tough. The only thing I can share is based on my personal experience. My husband is much older than me so we thought we had plenty of time to have kids. I am 34 now and we were beginning to try to have a kid when he let the cat out of the bag regarding how unhappy he is in our marriage.
> 
> The reason I am sharing this with you is that if my marriage is not saved then more than likely kids are no longer in my future and I feel a huge amount of resentment for that.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You aren't at a total loss, women are having kids older, so it is possible to get in a place where you could still have the family you dream of. I know it's short time, but it is POSSIBLE : ) think positive. Also, I know it may not be the same, but if you were to find the perfect husband for you and it was "too late" adoption is always a satisfying option. Just something to think about.

As for myself, I am going to try and set up a counseling appointment to try and have a professional assess our situation and hopefully touch base with him on this subject. I feel like there are too many issues with us right now too happily move on. But I'd like a professional opinion before calling it quits. Thanks for you advice : )


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

People change their minds about children all the time, especially after having a couple. 

It takes hundreds of thousands of dollars and countless hours to properly rear a child.

I don't think people realize the commitment. I also think that is why wanting them is made such a strong urge for women generally. We as a species would die out otherwise.

If the two of you are hitting 30 then your best fertility is about now.

He being wishy washy about timing is going counter to biology.

Does he think it will be easier at 40? it certainly would not be cheaper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The children thing is a dealbreaker thing, IMO.

If you want kids and he doesn't, either you guys compromise or you decide if you want to stay in a relationship with a man who does not want the same things you do (a family/children).


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Kids are absolutely a dealbreaker in a relationship. At the most basic level, I truly believe that you either have what I've come to call the "kid-shaped hole" in your heart or you don't. If you do, the you have that very real "need" to be a parent. If you don't, you don't.

As someone who doesn't have that "kid-shaped" hole, a lot of what your husband is saying sounds very familiar. For a long time as more and more of my friends got pregnant and had kids, I would ask them "why" and "was it worth it" and all kinds of questions like that. I wondered for a long time if I was just behind the curve or something and would eventually understand why they were willing to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to try to get pregnant and all. I also wanted to be sure that I wouldn't regret my choice either way.

What I can honestly say, is that I've never really cared if I had kids or not. I'd have to have a heck of a baby-daddy, and probably a nanny, but I could go either way. So not fair to a kid. Given that, I'd point out that it sounds like your husband hasn't said anything positive about wanting kids at this stage of the game. Everything is phrased in terms of not wanting them and reasons not to have them. No time, not wanting you to burn out because you'll be taking care of them all the time...

Honestly, I think you have your answer. He's probably just not willing to say it straight out because he knows that it is a dealbreaker.


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## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

Thank you for your kind thoughts. 

I think an MC might be able to help you navigate these waters of communication. It's important for him to be honest with you so you can decide how you feel about it and so he can be happy himself too. Sometimes it's really hard for people to make a choice so they just put it off by being vague. I wish you the very best of luck and I hope it all works out for both of you : )


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## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

hoohagirl said:


> Thank you for your kind thoughts.
> 
> I think an MC might be able to help you navigate these waters of communication. It's important for him to be honest with you so you can decide how you feel about it and so he can be happy himself too. Sometimes it's really hard for people to make a choice so they just put it off by being vague. I wish you the very best of luck and I hope it all works out for both of you : )


I hope you're right....now finding one.... Thanks!


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## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

SO, my husband and I had a wonderful weekend. The best one in YEARS. I completely fell in love with him and he treated me the way he used to, he even made "love" to me. 

Then we had a small argument, which I tried to avoid, but even with my greatest efforts he said. I'm sick of you being miserable if you don't like it leave..... So for the first time I said FINE, I'll leave and I packed my bags and left. He was dumbfounded and asked me a few times if I needed help packing lunch for work and I told him NO, I'm not going to work, I'm going HOME! He told me he didn't want me to leave and he would compromise. I told him that I didn't care about the argument, but I was sick of him telling me to leave and coming down on me for everything wrong in his/our lives. I said, you ask me a few times a week to leave so I'm leaving.....

I left and went to a friends house (I decided since our weekend was extraordinary I would just try to scare him) The following day I came home and he was gone, when he returned he had an attitude "what's going on? Why are you here? I thought you left?" I sat him down and explained that I fell back in love with him and saw what we could have. I explained that If he gave me attention and affection the way he did this past weekend, then I would be in a better mood, more loving and care less about the small stuff. I tried to explain resentment when you are neglected and we agreed. I would ***** less and be more free with what he wants and he would show me more attn....I have so far held up my end and I have reminded him of the agreement when he failed to hold up his end. I have been pleasant and done extra nice things for him. I am giving him a week to see if he can follow through. What do you think about the progress we've made?


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## siipode (Sep 20, 2011)

Wow, this one is tough


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## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

siipode said:


> Wow, this one is tough


Thanks for the advice ; )

JUST KIDDING! I KNOW....


As an update, it's been one week. One STRESSFUL week and we have done GREAT! We both had to remind each other of our agreement, but it wasn't major, more in a playful voice. He partied a little too much one night and got mean, but I just went to bed and ask him to apologize in the am. He still tried to place blame on me for making him mad (It really wasn't my fault) but I pointed out to him that he was doing it and that I just wanted him to apologize for his actions and recognize that it was innapropriate. He did....and it wasn't a deal! I hope I didn't just jinx myself, but I am seeing a lot of hope and I really think if it continues like this that he will revert back to his original choice of wanting to have a couple of kids. It's hard to imagine that when you're living a nightmare, but easy when you have a happy relationship : ) WOW, this is really a big lesson for me. NOW if everything can just continue and fall into place!

Thanks for all the support and I will keep you updated. :smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

Sat16 said:


> Thanks for the advice ; )
> 
> JUST KIDDING! I KNOW....
> 
> ...



I will let you know that there IS hope, I really thought deep down in my heart my marriage was over. The last 13 days have been going GREAT! We have had two SMALL arguments that we handled well. First on we were drunk and the second was lack or sleep, crazy schedule, me being homesick and just plane sad and lonely. The first one, I ignored and we decided the next day to drink less. The second, in the heat of my rant I said "I'm sad, pissed, lonely and just need to vent and have no one to vent to. Please just hug me and tell me it sucks, but it won't be like this forever" It was hard for me to ask for what I wanted, but it clarified what was going on.... and it worked! SO, we'll see how things continue : ) It's been a looooooong road, but I think it's going to be well worth sticking it out! Good luck everyone


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