# Legally married but dating - I don't agree - You?



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

How many of you out there think it is ok to date and want to introduce new person to kids while still legally married? 

I am one that thinks dating should not occur till you are no longer married.

Scenario:

After 17 years of marriage, I am still in the middle of court delays and a STBXH who goes dark every time something is needed. My lawyer said today that final divorce should be in the next 45 days or so without any legal rep from his side. I am counting down.

My ex went from cheating on me; to separation and going dark as a parent; then tries to force his affair partner on my child without my consent. Since the woman had convicted felony charges and 4 DUIs, I was forced to file an injunction forbidding any contact between this woman and my minor child. Ex gets outraged and states she is a "nice" woman and that I am just being mean. (Delusional)

Fast forward to September - Felon and ex break up - He was found cheating on her (shocking). Now new woman in mix, Don't know anything about her other then she is paying his way around town. 

Ex tells his mom he would be bringing guest to Thanksgiving dinner. My mother in law tells him he will not bring a woman to any family function until he is no longer married to me and only when he steps up to the plate, gets his life in order and does right by us (wife and child). 

Ex then calls me up and complains that I am ruining his life and that he is going to meet his new affair partner's family in Washington DC for xmas and that I am making it very hard for him to be accepted by his own family. 

I asked; how will you be introduced to her family; "hi everyone, I would like you all to meet my new married boyfriend"? He hangs up on me. I just had to laugh... 

Can a cheater be this insensitive and delusional? In my case... YES 

My rule - you do not involve DD with ANY affair partner until 
1. Divorce is final
2. you are comfortable with new partner and think it is getting serious
3. and then ONLY when you feel child is ready to accept.

None of these rules were met with ex.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've been dating someone for most of my 3 year separation, and she hasn't met my kids yet. Not will she, until the divorce is done. That's the least I can do for my STBXW and the kids. If it's that important that they meet, then I guess he could hurry the divorce along. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Being separated with no intent to reconcile is more than good enough for me, so I'll disagree with you. Your situation has particular issues that are not the norm.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

pbear - I agree My ex has issues with women and "falls" very quickly so I have had to enforce these rules on him so my daughter is not involved in his erratic love life. 

If he was more mature and respectful like you, I think I would have a different opinion. He just thinks he is in high school and thinks his mom and his wife are just c-ck blockers at this point. :rofl:


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

FrustratedFL I agree with your opinion in your case, but not in question as you presented it.

The BS is normally (if not always) the more responsable and caring of the parents, so of course they focus first in them when separation and divorce come in to the situation, but divorce can take years so according to your argument the BS will have to wait maybe years to date someone if the ws is making the whole divorce slow, expensive and hurtful, this will not only slow his detach process but also is unfair as many times the ws already have the AP at his/her side which only make the whole situation more paingul to the BS.

regarding the introduction of a new person to the kids I agree, but that is other topic, the kids should never be exposed to new partners until the relationship is rock solid and the new partner is gonna be a lot of time in their lives


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I think it's unethical to date while married, even if separated. I can understand wanting to date again if you know that there is zero hope for reconciliation, but if that's the case, I see no point in having several year long separations. Just finalize the divorce as quickly as possible, then move on to dating. By doing things the right way, you are also being a good role model to your children.

For full disclosure, I did once communicate with a separated guy online many years ago when I was single. It was wrong for him to pursue me, and wrong for me to accept his interest and develop feelings for him. Not only was it immoral, but it was also logisitically wrong as he was emotionally unavailable as well... and I only ended up getting hurt from the situation. It was a mistake I will never repeat again. 

Now that I am the one dissolving my marriage, I won't contact anyone through a dating site or flirt with anyone. I'll wait for the annulment papers to be finalized first. And I'll even take it a step further... and try to make sure that I am also emotionally available when I start dating again, so that I don't end up being the one to hurt someone else's heart. I suspect that my STBXH may already be chatting up different women, but I don't care to find out what he does, and I will do the right thing that I can live with myself for.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

It is very much a personal choice issue. For myself I have gone the non dating route. I just didn’t think it fair to either myself or the other potential person that I couldn’t invest myself totally into it. Till my divorce is final I am partially stuck on one life devoting time and emotional energy to getting that done, its hard to try and start something new when you haven’t finished the old. I am very good at multitasking but not that good. 

My stbx is now living with guy number 3 I think in the 10 months we have been separated and our hearing wont be till Feb. I think she is just avoiding dealing with the divorce. She hasn’t begun to figure out what she truly wants in her new life so she will experience failures. She didn’t come to terms with the end of one relationship she wont be able to figure out how to succeed in a new. My own opinion of course.


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## split_open_and_melt (Dec 15, 2013)

^^^ sounds like my stbxw. She jumped into a relationship with a guy as soon as we were separated. Which gives me strong indication something was going on before the Bomb Drop, although she denies it up and down.

Her path to follow I guess. Will only make her more lost in the dark tunnel she's currently in.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My opinion is that dating is ok as long as there are no intentions to reconcile. Introducing the kids should not happen, though.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Anyone who rails against a WS, but f*cks around before the divorce is final is a hypocrite.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like even if he was legitimately single he would still be an a**. Legal status has nothing to do with that. Trying to force a donkey to behave like a panda bear by changing the label on the exhibit is kinda useless.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

You're MARRIED until you're not married. If you have sex while still married that's adultery. That means you've lowered yourself to the WS level. Not good.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I disagree. I believe it is okay for the BS to date if they _know_ there is _no chance_ for reconciliation and they have worked through their issues caused by the breakup. Sometimes the divorce process can take _years_. 

It is unfair to expect the BS to keep vows that were _broken_ by the WS. They have been relieved of that duty. It does NOT make them "no better than" the WS. It makes them a person deserving of happiness.

However, I do not believe the kids should meet the new SO until the D is final. Even afterwards, I wouldn't bring anyone around my children unless I was sure it was something that might go somewhere.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm another one who votes for 'it's okay to date before the divorce is final' but ONLY if:

there is no chance of reconciliation
person has worked on their own issues BEFORE dating again so that s/he is not bringing his/her baggage into the next relationship
children under 15yo do NOT spend time with any dates or SO until/unless things become serious (considering-an-engagement-serious).

I understand that there are people here on TAM who feel that there should be NO DATING until the paperwork is final. If that is how they feel, that is how they should act. Just as there are people on both sides of the 'sex before marriage' issue. I respect other people's right to decide for themselves and expect them to accord me the same respect.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your feedback -

I do agree with several who say that these are two different issues/discussions. 

(1) dating before marriage is legally over
(2) introducing kids to new partner (when, how)

I kind of lumped both into one thread because I am dealing with a "boy" who wants to date the prom queen and let everyone know about it including his DD. 

I have not dated during my separation - mainly due to my emotions around the failure of the marriage and all the baggage that was left behind for me to deal with while being the full-time parent and betrayed spouse. This is a personal choice. 

As I sat around last night, I poured a glass of wine, took a long breath after getting through the holidays, sat and watched my daughter and friends having a normal sleepover and dance party wii competition. 

I am proud of myself for surviving what I truly believe is the hardest most draining experience of my life. 60 days and counting till the end of this process is finally over for me!!


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

I'm glad that you are doing well!! keep it up. I agree, I don't think people should start another relationship unless it has been made clear by both parties that there is no hope for R. Certainly one should deal with his/her demons that has made or forced them to cheat, lie, perceive both their partners and their children. I bet it's not many of the cheaters who are strong enough to face their problems and deal with them properly. Personally, if H starts introducing my kids to OW I swear to God he would see my true colour; no more mick taking!


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## split_open_and_melt (Dec 15, 2013)

Kindone said:


> Personally, if H starts introducing my kids to OW I swear to God he would see my true colour; no more mick taking!


I found out about my W's OM through my 4 year old daughter after she had done a weekend at the coast with him, his kid and our kids. According to her that was ok because there were other friends there too...

Sigh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> You're MARRIED until you're not married. If you have sex while still married that's adultery. That means you've lowered yourself to the WS level. Not good.


sorry this argument in ridicolous to me, there are persons who never marry and live in concubinage and have relationships of 15 or more years, so if one of them sleeps around is not cheating because there is no a legal document bonding them?

also according to your statament boyfriends and girlfriends sleeping around is not cheating for the same argument.

if both parts are aware that they are divorcing and that there is no reconcilation is an understanding, you can't compare a BS after a year of separation and having divorce process on going dating against the deception, manipulation, hiding , ploting that the WS does during his/her betrayal, is simply offensive


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I disagree. It's not about what she did to you. It's about your boundaries. There is no comparison that needs made, at all. The WS didn't have the boundaries in the first place. It would be expected that they would date before the divorce, since they processed their emotions long before the separation. The BS generally is blind-sided and takes more time to process. 

In the strictest sense, it's cheating, because you took vows and your commitment is to the marriage. The commitment is to your spouse, as well, but once it's over, there is still that little marriage issue that you agreed publicly to uphold.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

_"you can't compare a BS after a year of separation and having divorce process on going dating against the deception, manipulation, hiding , ploting that the WS does during his/her betrayal, is simply offensive"_

I have been through both scenarios and they both equally suck. Having the mistress call me to tell me about her year long affair with my WH was a complete shock and shot to the heart. That was the initial betrayal while I was playing happy wife. 

The girlfriends/affair partners that followed before and during the divorce process have been hurtful but not as devastating as the first blow. Just against my moral value and belief system.

Behavior I will never approve of nor want to teach my DD is acceptable.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Split_open_and_melp, I think your W is in fog like the rest of them!! Their selfishness leaves nothing to desire for! This is how stupid they are, they don't even realise not only they have cheated on their wives/husbands but their children too! Sorry I'm in one of those moods today; I could easily go down my H level not tat I would!!


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Doesn't matter how long the divorce process takes. You knew what you were getting into when you got married, that your spouse could cheat and how long a divorce would take. Live with it. No one twisted your arm.

Married is married, what don't you understand about being legally married? You're committing adultery if you have sex with an person you're not married to. If that doesn't bother you, in spite of the fact that your spouse cheated on you, then you are nearly as immoral as the person who cheated on you.

Come on, wait until your divorce is final. Take the high road. I just don't get these people who can't be alone for a while and need an immediate replacement. Get to know yourself and heal a little before you jump back into a relationship.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Who decides if there are no plans to reconcile? My STBX and I agreed to a 6 month trial separation to see if we could fix the marriage. I had every intention of coming back together after working on some of my own issues. He went and introduced the w4ore to them the very first week we split. She has been living there pretty much ever since in spite of him lying about it. 

Yet, legally there's nothing you can really do about where they plant their peter. So no use getting worked up about it.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

in hindsight i believe dating before divorce is ok under the conditions that the couple is physiically seperated and no o.m. Or o.w. Is brought around around or mentioned to children. I was seperated for almost two years. My ws did not confess to affair until after he moved back in just a year afterwards. He left me in limbo hell. Pretending a R but seeking attention. I went without sex. Been sexless for years due to my values. I am human. I have physical needs. I still been true to my values but at this point being celebat for years ..i dont care about values anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> Married is married, what don't you understand about being legally married? You're committing adultery if you have sex with an person you're not married to. If that doesn't bother you, in spite of the fact that your spouse cheated on you, then you are nearly as immoral as the person who cheated on you.


I don't give a crap about technical adultery. If I'm separated and not reconciling, I'm looking to move on, my ex knows this and is likely doing the same, and it's not cheating since we're both in agreement or at least fully aware this is normal (and if she doesn't agree, she can't do much about it). Do what you think is right for you, but it sure wasn't and wouldn't be right for me.

As it turned out, my ex was very unreasonable and my divorce took 7 years. While I didn't know it would, I wasn't waiting for divorce to start dating, and met my current wife a few months after I separated. I'm glad I dated and met her rather than wait because of some dubious morality.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

[/I] I have physical needs. I still been true to my values but at this point being celebat for years ..i dont care about values anymore.[/I]


Sex is a want, not a need. If you never had sex again, you wouldn't die.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> [/I] I have physical needs. I still been true to my values but at this point being celebat for years ..i dont care about values anymore.[/I]
> 
> 
> Sex is a want, not a need. If you never had sex again, you wouldn't die.


No, but you might _want _to!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> No, but you might _want _to!


LOL


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

manticore lol. Im going thru a tough wknd. Thanks. We were made as sexual beings. Ive been celebate for about nine years to be true to values. Kids first. Ive only had sex w ws appx twice a year. His choice. I wont die. Nuns dont. But im tired of having to supress urges. No warm body close to me. Seperated..i would never sleep w a married man living w family. I will never be a homewrecker. I am a bs. I am good in bed but turns out ws wanted to explore. Im not inhibited. Im not boring. I am open to most anything. Not everything. I should not have to sacrifice sexuality due to ws. I will no longer sacrifice happyness. Upon reflection i can die w values but what does it matter if im miserable. My values changed. But i wont hurt anyone w my changes. Its not my style. Ive hurt my sobs enough letting this dys M last long. No more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I think it unwise to start a new relationship until you have ended the existing relationship. In my mind, the marriage wasn't completely ended until the divorce was final.
And yes, he cheated on me.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

sorry this argument in ridicolous to me, there are persons who never marry and live in concubinage and have relationships of 15 or more years, so if one of them sleeps around is not cheating because there is no a legal document bonding them?

also according to your statament boyfriends and girlfriends sleeping around is not cheating for the same argument.

if both parts are aware that they are divorcing and that there is no reconcilation is an understanding, you can't compare a BS after a year of separation and having divorce process on going dating against the deception, manipulation, hiding , ploting that the WS does during his/her betrayal, is simply offensive

Your argument is ridiculous to me, so there  We weren't discussing people in LTR that never marry, we were discussing married people. Marriage is a legal arrangement until it is dissolved through the legal system. Get it? If you are married, regardless of whether you have an agreement with the WS that you can have sex with other people, you are committing adultery. It's a matter of personal morality, what the WS has done or is doing is immaterial.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> so there


I almost laughed my head off.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> You're argument is ridiculous to me, so there  We weren't discussing people in LTR that never marry, we were discussing married people. Marriage is a legal arrangement until it is dissolved through the legal system. Get it? If you are married, regardless of whether you have an agreement with the WS that you can have sex with other people, you are committing adultery. It's a matter of personal morality, what the WS has done or is doing is immaterial.


Judgmental much?? Sheesh.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Very often waiting for a judge to finalize a divorce just isn't feasible.

Many countries have a mandatory separation period of a year or more before a divorce can even be filed.

I believe the legalities of a marriage are just paperwork.
If the promise made between two people is abandoned and those two people are both aware it's over then it's over regardless of what the judge says or when he says it.

Introducing kids to a new partner should take some time, quite a long time actually to be certain this new relationship will last so you aren't ripping the kids apart with a revolving door of partners.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

[quote| You're argument is ridiculous to me, so there  We weren't discussing people in LTR that never marry, we were discussing married people. Marriage is a legal arrangement until it is dissolved through the legal system. Get it? If you are married, regardless of whether you have an agreement with the WS that you can have sex with other people, you are committing adultery. It's a matter of personal morality, what the WS has done or is doing is immaterial.[/QUOTE]

According to your "personal" morality perhaps.
Thankfully I have my own and it is in no way guided by the legal system of any government.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Wow! When did personal opinions mean everyone has to do the same thing or else?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

maincourse99 said:


> Anyone who rails against a WS, but f*cks around before the divorce is final is a hypocrite.


Well that's a steaming pile of bull**** if I ever smelled one


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FrustratedFL said:


> How many of you out there think it is ok to date and want to introduce new person to kids while still legally married?
> 
> I am one that thinks dating should not occur till you are no longer married.


Personally, it is not something I did nor would want to.

But many do.

To each their own.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

i dont think its ok to introduce dating partners to children pre or post divorce..they are udjusting to life without one parent. No introductions until a serious commitment is considered such as engagement. If intros need to occur such as a wedding etc introduce as a friend etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Well that's a steaming pile of bull**** if I ever smelled one


Didnt you hear? Maincourse is now both the morality police and final judge.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> [/I] I have physical needs. I still been true to my values but at this point being celebat for years ..i dont care about values anymore.[/I]
> 
> 
> Sex is a want, not a need. If you never had sex again, you wouldn't die.


Try Googling Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Sex is on the very first most primary level of need: Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, *sex*, sleep.

*By your definition*:
Clothing is a want, not a need. If you never had clothing again, you wouldn't die.
Justice is a want, not a need. If you never had justice again, you wouldn't die.
Human interaction is a want, not a need. If you never met another human again, you wouldn't die.
All of this might be true, literally, but it wouldn't make much of a 'life'.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> It's a matter of *personal* morality...


Agreed! ...and you don't get to define anyone's "personal" morality except for you, personally! just sayin'


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

so if your X cheats on you and leaves you you are supposed to sit around for 12+ months waiting for paperwork that means next to nothing....seems silly

if you are ready to date, and there is no chance of a R, I see nothing wrong with it.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

thanks to those of you for making me feel validated. I wk with ws. I see the posows. I have been degraded dismissed you name it i felt it. After years of celebacy sticking to my values putting my kids first for over two decades...i have finally found strentgh and a bit os selfishness not to put everyone before me. Tunera i think it was pointed out co depency to me. Celebacy for nearly ten years. Sucks. Not only cause phys needs not met but having someone who makes me feel sexy good needed desired etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_Judgmental much?? Sheesh_

I'm not judging anyone. Do as you please, it's just the way I feel.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_According to your "personal" morality perhaps.
Thankfully I have my own and it is in no way guided by the legal system of any government_

That's great for you.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_Well that's a steaming pile of bull**** if I ever smelled one_

Like every opinion that it doesn't agree with your view, right?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> You're MARRIED until you're not married. If you have sex while still married that's adultery. That means you've lowered yourself to the WS level. Not good.


I guess I am an aldulterer then, since I found someone who wanted to be with me after my W of 22+ yrs decided to leave and said nothing when I told her she should see other people if I could not make her happy.

IMO, protect the kids, start dating whenever you feel you are ready as long as dating was not allowed as part of your separation rules.

Stretch


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_Try Googling Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Sex is on the very first most primary level of need: Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, *sex*, sleep.

By your definition[/B]:
Clothing is a want, not a need. If you never had clothing again, you wouldn't die.
Justice is a want, not a need. If you never had justice again, you wouldn't die.
Human interaction is a want, not a need. If you never met another human again, you wouldn't die.
All of this might be true, literally, but it wouldn't make much of a 'life'_

So, what you're saying is that humans can't lead happy, fulfilling lives without sex? Well, millions do. They fill their lives with human connections, learning, spirituality, and many other things. Sex is a wonderful gift, but not a "need" in order to be content and happy.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

In some cases, sex is a therapy to lower blood pressure. 

If heart attack or stroke are the alternative, is it still a want?

Is it a want if used to avoid death?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

FFL,

Thank you for sharing one of the clearest examples of "the fog", "rewriting history", and all of the other irrational characteristics of a cheating spouse.

I know you did not intend this to be humorous and I hope you can get some relief of your justified frustration but I almost had my drink come through my nose as you described him blaming you for his decisions.

I hope you are doing well as you heal from this unfortunate time in your life.

Happy New Year,
Stretch


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - Simply Psychology

Please read all the way to the bottom for a critical look at his theory. I think it's important to present both sides. I find that sex is not a need to be able to live. We can live with food, water, shelter, and clothing. While sex is listed by Maslow as a basic need, I doubt we will actually die without it. We may not reach full self-actualization, but I don't think anyone really does. We, as humans, have too many flaws to find complete self-actualization.

Edit: There is also a woman who has a video there. It is interesting. I've watched other videos she has made and they have all been thought provoking. Take a look.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Again, I believe this is a personal choice.

I will not date till my marriage is legally done. 

My circumstance is different than most. Again, my ex left everything when he went to his mistress. I have had to deal with my child, massive debt, house loan modifications, home repairs, emotions of a 17 year marriage break up and stress at work. Meanwhile he was 20 blocks away and never accountable for any of his behavior. He has avoided all divorce talk, papers and motions which has caused me more money. 

My STBXH is now on his 4th or 5th gf counting the two affairs that he had during our marriage. This might have gotten him sex but I don't see him any happier. Some people just date to not be alone which is his case. 

Regardless, IMO I believe you should completely end the relationship before moving on.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It all depends on your personal take on the institution of marriage... My current gf is still legally married on paper but has not seen hide nor hair of her ex for a decade, as for myself I started dating before the decree was signed by a judge, it would have taken longer here if my ex hadn't sworn an affidavit of her infidelity (waived the 12 month waiting period). I never had any intent to reconcile but it is often difficult to convince potential dates that. I've always looked at the paperwork as just that, its the relationship that only matters.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It is a personal choice. The problem is, others want to convince people, "My way is the only way", to raise their self-esteem. It's not something to be embarrassed about. If you want to have sex before divorce, you are free to do so. If you don't, you are free not to have sex before the divorce. Either way, it's personal choice. It's not illegal. It's not, a moral issue. It's personal choice. 

When someone does something that goes against what they believe, it makes them unhappy. How do you reach self-actualization if you are unhappy?

It's a personal choice. I, nor anyone else, has a right to say it's, "wrong". It may or may not be what I'd do. That's all. We don't have to all believe the same things.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think if you date someone while still married regardless of being a BS it shows a certain lack of social maturity and being naive about how you come across to other people. Your social and legal/moral credentials should be rock solid if you care about your reputation. Right or wrong, that's the way it is. Your stbx (and others) may spread rumors about you, so why give any substance to rumors if you can show some restraint. Also bringing another person into a situation like that, perhaps even legally, is kind of rude I think. 

I'm glad I didn't date while still married, because my ex's lady friends were spreading false rumors around that I was cheating on him. Even when people tried to dig for facts supporting that rumor, they came up empty and ex and lady friends were shown to be liars, if not complete idiots. When someone asks me about that now, I can laugh and say that there was absolutely no substance to that rumor, although I had a line of men at the time wanting to fit the bill, I didn't get involved in anything like that. The one time I went for drinks with a guy buddy, I took along another woman. I did go out with that woman for drinks and a pub snack, and learned she was lesbian, but had I known would not have gone out with her either. lol.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

FrustratedFL said:


> Regardless, IMO I believe you should completely end the relationship before moving on.


Agreed. However, you do realize that the "relationship" is never truly "done" right? You will be coparents for the rest of your lives. Honestly, once you file for divorce and serve the other with papers, that obligation that you had to the "marriage" is over. I didn't date until I officially got divorced, however, my gf's ex H had 3 affairs spanning 6 years. She kicked him out before I even left my house. They had been separated for over a year and paperwork had been back and forth through attorneys. So, a hard and fast rule on this just isn't plausible. I know, I struggled through it. According to their children, they were already divorced long before it was "legal". 

Let me say this...that I am undeniably Christian. The sanctity of marriage is a BIG DEAL. However, biblically speaking, it's hard to really get a gauge on this type of scenario so it falls on one thing--------treat others how you would like to be treated. Live by it. And in regards to children, date for at least 6 months before introducing them. 

Honestly, I would stop talking to ex mother in law. You don't need to be involved in those details. You also don't need to be using the legal system to tell their dad who he can bring around the kids or not. You wouldn't want him doing that to you. If they are not a danger to the children or have shown that, you have absolutely no right.

Your rules are not going to be his rules for dating. Accept it. My ex dated a felon without a job weeks after the divorce was final. Intro to the kids too...... She would go buy him cigarettes and take the kids over there 5 times a week. Unreal. Then she cheats on him 7 months in (with my kids in tow) and starts dating another super religious guy. Engaged within 3 weeks. WOW. What has happened with the kids? Super respect for their dad and a major love for the responsible parent.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Legally married but dating - I don't agree - You?*



Dedicated2Her said:


> Agreed. However, you do realize that the "relationship" is never truly "done" right? You will be coparents for the rest of your lives. Honestly, once you file for divorce and serve the other with papers, that obligation that you had to the "marriage" is over.


In this context I meant "spousal" relationship. That to me is defined when we both agreed (by words and actions) to no longer invest intimacy, sex, cohabitation, finances or unrestrained communication with each other. At that point, whether the divorce certificate has been registered or not, and regardless of any legal proceedings, IMO neither person is acting immorally if they choose to see other people.

Of course everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, and if the separation is not complete, mutual or otherwise "official' then it is a little more complicated...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

maincourse99 said:


> _Well that's a steaming pile of bull**** if I ever smelled one_
> 
> Like every opinion that it doesn't agree with your view, right?


No.

Like every moral opinion that presents itself as fact.

They're all bull****


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I agree on being very cautious and timely about bringing another person into a child's life - but regarding dating while still legally married, if you're done and waiting on divorce - to each their own.

I'm still legally married (divorce in progress) and I date. I have no qualms about it. But I have not introduced my children to anyone and won't until I feel it's right. I can't see that happening any time soon.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

rks1 said:


> It was wrong for him to pursue me, and wrong for me to accept his interest and develop feelings for him.


I disagree, unless he was planning on reconciling with his wife.

When my stbxw cheated on me and left, I felt I was entitled to see who I wanted. She did WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER, so why can't I when we are apart and going through divorce?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> You're MARRIED until you're not married. If you have sex while still married that's adultery. That means you've lowered yourself to the WS level. Not good.


Bull****. And actually legally untrue - at least where I live. Sex with someone else while legally separated is NOT adultery. In some States it is - not where I am.

How is dating someone after you've been *cheated on* and *left* the same level as doing that to someone while you're still together? Please.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> Doesn't matter how long the divorce process takes. You knew what you were getting into when you got married, that your spouse could cheat and how long a divorce would take. Live with it. No one twisted your arm.
> 
> Married is married, what don't you understand about being legally married? You're committing adultery if you have sex with an person you're not married to. If that doesn't bother you, in spite of the fact that your spouse cheated on you, then you are nearly as immoral as the person who cheated on you.
> 
> Come on, wait until your divorce is final. Take the high road. I just don't get these people who can't be alone for a while and need an immediate replacement. Get to know yourself and heal a little before you jump back into a relationship.


It's a loooooong fall from that high horse you're riding. Get over yourself.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> _Judgmental much?? Sheesh_
> 
> I'm not judging anyone. Do as you please, it's just the way I feel.


I think you need to work on understanding what "judge" means, because your posts are the epitome of judgmental.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> Sex is a wonderful gift, but not a "need" in order to be content and happy.


Well thanks for clearing that up for everyone. We're clearly all very confused, sex crazed, immoral adulterers. Don't break your neck on that fall now!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I think if you date someone while still married regardless of being a BS it shows a certain lack of social maturity and being naive about how you come across to other people.


Another morally superior post.

If you want to date after being cheated on and left, more power to you. If you don't, same deal.

The people on here with the gall and, sorry, stupidity, to paint a BS who is dating after being cheated on and left with the same brush as someone who cheats while still together with their BS, unbeknownst to them, are not only misguided, but judgmental and plagued by a superiority complex.

Who do you people think you are? Yuck.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it depends on the mindset of the people involved. 

If the relationship is OVER, then date all you want. Divorce just makes it legally OVER. It can be OVER long before then.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

maincourse99 said:


> So, what you're saying is that humans can't lead happy, fulfilling lives without sex? Well, millions do. They fill their lives with human connections, learning, spirituality, and many other things. Sex is a wonderful gift, but not a "need" in order to be content and happy.


For some people I guess you are correct. 

But for many, sex is a "need". They "need" it to be content and happy.

And if you are one of these people who have this "need" and you are in a relationship where your partner doesn't understand that for you this is a "need", then your relationship will fail. You might stay together for kids, money, etc. but it will be a failure.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't date married or separated men. No exceptions.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Healer said:


> Another morally superior post.
> 
> If you want to date after being cheated on and left, more power to you. If you don't, same deal.
> 
> ...


Not at all. Personally, I don't believe in marriage as a legal structure, but if you choose it you should be prepared to live within its constraints. It has everything to do with avoiding hassle and angst and all kinds of complications and legals issues and absolutely nothing to do with morals.

I was a BS and did not date. You think I wanted people to believe the rumors my H and his lady friends were spreading about me? Ewwwww. There was absolutely no question, there was nobody else involved. I left him because he was unfit for marriage on many different levels, not for someone else. And by not dating, I made that point perfectly clear. Sure, there was someone I would have liked to date, but I waited (not quite til the divorce but within a week...) And then, yep, right on the day I got my divorce, that guy had a brain hemorrhage. Oh well!


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Interesting thread.

Put me in the camp of dating is fine if there is no chance of reconciliation. Kids meet the SO only when it is serious and the divorce is finalized (and not immediately upon finalization). 

I date. I am happy to date. It's about time. Married 25 years to what turned out to be a lying cheating bastard. I have to wait a year before I can file in my state. So, 9 months later, I miss the companionship of a man. I am not talking about hooking up. I miss the camaraderie and would like to find a pal to spend time with, enjoy life with for now. If it is physical, fine, but only if he and I were on the same page. For someone to get involved with a separated person and expect a LT relationship...well, I think that is nuts. For someone in my situation to get involved with someone else in a similar situation and support each other in re-entry into the single world, that's all good.

But yes, keep the children out of it.

But, my 16 yo has given me permission to date. Heh.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

maincourse99 said:


> Anyone who rails against a WS, but f*cks around before the divorce is final is a hypocrite.


Not so fast.....ie- SHE left me 18 mos ago.....SHE moved 4 states away and bought a new home.....SHE rails against me and shoots darts at me and assumes NO responsibility in the marriage.........I am/was the one trying to hold it together but got ZERO support or effort from her.......Once the LBS has made the mental break from the WAW I think it's time to move on IF you can be honest with yourself and know you are really ready. No good soul wants to bring someone else into the equation and hurt them. My .02


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

maincourse99 said:


> Doesn't matter how long the divorce process takes. You knew what you were getting into when you got married, that your spouse could cheat and how long a divorce would take. Live with it. No one twisted your arm.
> 
> Married is married, what don't you understand about being legally married? You're committing adultery if you have sex with an person you're not married to. If that doesn't bother you, in spite of the fact that your spouse cheated on you, then you are nearly as immoral as the person who cheated on you.
> 
> Come on, wait until your divorce is final. Take the high road. I just don't get these people who can't be alone for a while and need an immediate replacement. Get to know yourself and heal a little before you jump back into a relationship.


MC, I certainly respect your opinion but we are talking about dating and NOT NECESSARILY about having sex. Sometimes all a person wants to do is go out and experience the company of others socially for a while. Not everyone is jumping into the sack immediately. Could be two different sets of circumstances here.......Maybe I should change my username to clueless? People are social animals and need to be around other people....I have been alone for a LONG TIME and I don't have a large social or family network anymore......


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## Cheshire Cat (Jul 10, 2013)

According to your "personal" morality perhaps.
Thankfully I have my own and it is in no way guided by the legal system of any government.[/QUOTE]


Wow, how is this any different from the wayward cheaters' way of thinking? :scratchhead:

I have dated a separated man who had declared that there was absolutely NO possibility ever for a reconciliation with his then STBXW and the minute that he really knew during the court hearings how much he would actually lose financially, he turned around, dropped the case and went right back to her.

I will NEVER date separated men again.

"Dating the divorced man" by Christie Hartman describes in depth the risk of dating separated men.

Yes, it's a personal choice but I am actually very surprised to see on this forum so many people who disagree so strongly and sometimes even scornfully with a person who with integrity respects an institution of "legal" marriage and the concept of it.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Personal choice and freedom of choice. Once the BS breaks the convenant, it is broken as far as I'm concerned.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Chesire cat - In my opinion, you are married till you are not. My Personal choice without judgement to anyone else except my cheating exH. 

And if you are dating another, have the balls to show up for legal court when requested and cooperate to end the marriage so you can go live your new life. Another misstep from exH. 

Also - do not involve your child in your life with these people like you are the prom king while still married, legal or otherwise. Again directed to my exH. 

With every breakup of a marriage, people should take time to reflect on what part of the situation was their doing, take time to reflect, stablize the homelife for any and all children and survive the process. So many people I know jump right into dating someone else and the pattern continues. 

As I was filing my taxes, I need to click Married. Government or legal aside - still married and trying to get out of it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Legally married but dating - I don't agree - You?*



FrustratedFL said:


> As I was filing my taxes, I need to click Married. Government or legal aside - still married and trying to get out of it.


In Canada "separated" is a legal status, for taxes or other purposes, and is treated exactly as "divorced" status. In many instances including mine, that checkbox gets ticked starting the day after they move out.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

If I knew someone was not divorced yet I would not date them until they were. We could be friends but there would be zero sexual contact. If he wasn't willing to accept that he was probably only after a fling anyway and I wouldn't be upset to miss out on being his rebound girl, if he was willing to wait, then all good and we can date properly once the divorce is finalised 

I have no moral issue with anyone else dating before though and some of the break ups and divorces people go through drag on years thanks to uncooperative ex partners.

My main concerns would be:

1. A new relationship could prevent reconciliation

2. The separated person may want a relationship for the wrong reasons: to prove to themselves or others they're still desired, to avoid loneliness, to avoid reflection etc

3. If the separated person has not taken time to heal and this relationship fails they could be disproportionally hurt by it

4. Making sure children are protected from more disruption, emotional changes or upset

5. How draining their divorce could be on them/me/us emotionally, physically, financially...

6. Then the really skeptical one proving I've met far too many liars - are they really separated or are they covering their butt for if I see them with their wife, or she calls or anything like that????

There are probably more reasons I'd be concerned about, but that's enough for me to say I wouldn't go there. It's a combination of self-preservation and doing no harm to others. In a situation where those things don't apply then I really don't see any moral issue with someone else doing that, I don't see it as any of my business!


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## upsidedownworld (Dec 13, 2013)

I can see both sides to this issue.

For myself I was the person who thought I shouldn't date until my divorce was final however, my stance has changed. I found out back in July that my STBXW wanted a divorce. We seperated and were trying to work on our marriage. During that time she met another guy and started a relationship with him and she stopped working on our marriage. Now she says she can see this turning into a long term relationship with the OM.

She hasn't even filed for divorce yet (I'm doing that now) and there is no hope at this point for R between us at all. So now my view is why should I put my life on hold, because she isn't, and there is no chance at an R. What if I missed out on meeting somebody that was right for me just because the divorce hasn't been legally finalized. The divorce is finalized in my mind. 

Also to be clear I have and will tell the person that I go out with that my divorce hasn't been finalized yet. It will be up to them to decide if they are comfortable with that and I would never be upset if the were.


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## Mo24 (Feb 18, 2014)

FrustratedFL said:


> Chesire cat - In my opinion, you are married till you are not. My Personal choice without judgement to anyone else except my cheating exH.
> 
> And if you are dating another, have the balls to show up for legal court when requested and cooperate to end the marriage so you can go live your new life. Another misstep from exH.
> 
> ...


Yeah it is easy to say this until you meet someone else. If and when that happens, your rules will change to fit your situation. 

I am signing my final decree today. I have dated a woman for the last 6 weeks. I could have sat down at the beginning and said, my rule is no dating until the divorce is final even though it is initiate by my xw and there is no hope of changing it. 

You only live one time on this earth. I am 42 years old and am not going to wonder what if-- what if i hadnt had that silly rule when i met x that I would not date until my divorce was final?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

I think it depends on each individual's situation.

For myself, I think it is ok to date whilst separated, if you're are "over it" and have put in the work and dedication for self-improvement. 

In my own situation, I am now legally married but also in a relationship with a woman who isn't my wife. There is no hope of reconciliation with my wife now, but I only felt comfortable seeing other women once it was _my_ choice to take reconciliation off the table, and not hers. For months I wanted to reconcile, she pushed me too far and I no longer wish to reconcile out of self-respect.

We have no children, and have actually been separated for longer than we were living together as husband and wife.

Morality is perhaps the biggest grey area known to man. What may be immoral for one, could be perfectly acceptable to another.

The question posed by this thread is too general for a socially agreed upon convention.

*Example 1:* If a man beats his wife for years, and she leaves him and begins dating other men, is she in the wrong? Is she morally obligated to waste more time waiting for her divorce to finalise, that could be better spent finding someone more deserving of her? Is she morally obligated and socially pressured to deny herself of he sexual and emotional needs? I think this is acceptable. 

On the flip-side is the man entitled to seek out a new partner, after he has sorted out his issues? Should he have to remain solitary until the divorce is finalised as punishment for his past transgressions? I don't advocate beating women in any form at all, but if the guy had _genuinely_ resolved his issues, had become a better man, and learned how to be a good partner to someone, should society strip him of his rights to "cash in" on those hard earned changes?

*Example 2:* A man treats his woman well, is a good husband and father, and yet she leaves him solely to recapture her youth and make up for "lost years" with promiscuity and sexual experimentation. She sees another man, or several men during the separation, and neglects her children somewhat. Is she in the wrong for doing this? Is she merely living her own life, taking the path she wishes to take, without be constrained by society and the dictations of others? Morally, I'd say she's wrong (In my own definition of morality), but at the same time everyone is entitled to live their life in the way they wish. Even criminals, and the "scum" of society are entitled to live their one and only life in the way they wish. 

Should the man in this example deny himself the companionship he wants, the love that he wants, the happiness and the sex, just because his wife left him without consideration for him or their children, is that fair to ask of him? I don't think it is.

Morality is too personal and too ambiguous to define. 

Disagreements on morality account for the vast majority of trouble in the world, they always have done, and they always will. You just need to look at all of the wars caused by religious disagreements to see this.

But, I find myself asking, if every man, woman and child on the planet were constrained to a black & white definition of morality, what would that cost? We'd lose a huge amount of our freedom, a huge amount of our individuality. 

Without freedom of choice we do not live, we just exist, and to what purpose?

Edit: Just to add a small disclaimer, neither of those examples are reflective of my marriage. I never beat my wife, but I wasn't a good husband either. I purposely picked two extremes to demonstrate my point.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

_


WantWifeBack said:



I think it depends on each individual's situation.

*Example 1:* If a man beats his wife for years, and she leaves him and begins dating other men, is she in the wrong? Is she morally obligated to waste more time waiting for her divorce to finalise, that could be better spent finding someone more deserving of her? Is she morally obligated and socially pressured to deny herself of he sexual and emotional needs? I think this is acceptable. 

On the flip-side is the man entitled to seek out a new partner, after he has sorted out his issues? Should he have to remain solitary until the divorce is finalised as punishment for his past transgressions? I don't advocate beating women in any form at all, but if the guy had genuinely resolved his issues, had become a better man, and learned how to be a good partner to someone, should society strip him of his rights to "cash in" on those hard earned changes?

*Example 2:* A man treats his woman well, is a good husband and father, and yet she leaves him solely to recapture her youth and make up for "lost years" with promiscuity and sexual experimentation. She sees another man, or several men during the separation, and neglects her children somewhat. Is she in the wrong for doing this? Is she merely living her own life, taking the path she wishes to take, without be constrained by society and the dictations of others? Morally, I'd say she's wrong (In my own definition of morality), but at the same time everyone is entitled to live their life in the way they wish. Even criminals, and the "scum" of society are entitled to live their one and only life in the way they wish. 

Should the man in this example deny himself the companionship he wants, the love that he wants, the happiness and the sex, just because his wife left him without consideration for him or their children, is that fair to ask of him? I don't think it is.

Click to expand...

_


WantWifeBack said:


> IMO - Example 1: - IMO - The only people these two should be seeing is a therapist. They both need to file for divorce, get into individual therapy and work strictly on themselves. Wait for divorce to be final and then after another year of therapy start dating. Neither is ready to be released onto society - both have huge baggage to next relationship.
> 
> Example 2: IMO - Woman should file for divorce if she wants out. Yes, I believe it is immoral what she did to her marriage. Maybe from my religious upbringing but married is married. I more lean to husband to begin dating but only after he works on himself and realize what he did in marriage. In my eye preferably after he divorces. There is always 3 sides to every breakup, his her and the truth.
> 
> Personal choice!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband was separated when I met him. I did have some concerns but we had a couple of conversations about it and I decided to take the risk. We got engaged 2 weeks after the divorce was granted, and 2 weeks before it was final. 

The difference in our case was that the property settlement and custody order had already been completed. The actual divorce couldn't go ahead legally as not enough time had passed, but the marriage was long dead. Had been for years. His ex wife was already in a new relationship, lol.

When it came to his daughter, I didn't meet her until a few months in, when we thought "yep, we're both in this for the long haul", but we still took it very slowly...I was a friend of daddy's and that was it. No sleep overs, no weekend visits. I would visit once through the week when she was there, we'd have dinner and I'd go home.

Once we'd agreed that we wanted to take the next step and live together we discussed it with her to gauge her feelings...(not to get her permission)...she was very excited. When we told her he'd proposed to me and wanted to marry me she had a Tom Cruise moment on the couch 

I think every situation is different, and lots of factors need to be taken into account. While I agree that it's not appropriate for new partners to meet kids too early in, it's not something that a spouse should hold over their separated partners head "you can't see the kids with him/her around, I won't allow it".

That of course doesn't apply in the case of convicted criminals...obviously.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

when my ws affair came out i wasnt sure of extent. i months later told him if it is a sexual affairb could be w her if that his happy..but id put a restraint on posow not to see my kids. she trashed me at work. she had no remorse. she was vindictive against other females at wk. it was kt the affair that made me decide that...it was her character. she had been fired for being a bj
***** to staff..consumers..admin. i told ws that even if he got together w someone nice of good character i would be ok w them around my kids. at no time should a posow or a step parent trash the kids mom unfairly to kids and that was my ci
oncern. she hates me for being the wife. and i did not want that spilled onto my children...as they already suffered enough. so i agree its a case by case situation. some spouses drag out divorce. not fair to the ones trying to live by a moral code. the *divorce* is merely the legal ending. i am celebate years after affair too...mostly for my kids respect. but i now have offers. i just havent submitted to any. im not ready i need to lose my bitterness over my situation. i want to be on a more emotionally ready basis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> Doesn't matter how long the divorce process takes. You knew what you were getting into when you got married, that your spouse could cheat and how long a divorce would take. Live with it. No one twisted your arm.
> 
> Married is married, what don't you understand about being legally married? You're committing adultery if you have sex with an person you're not married to. If that doesn't bother you, in spite of the fact that your spouse cheated on you, then you are nearly as immoral as the person who cheated on you.
> 
> Come on, wait until your divorce is final. Take the high road. I just don't get these people who can't be alone for a while and need an immediate replacement. Get to know yourself and heal a little before you jump back into a relationship.


I have dated other women. ( I have no children) I have slept with other women since my Dday. I know we are done. I'm just waiting for the paperwork to file. I have needs too. Physical and general interaction with people. Most people are not truly interested in me for a serious long term relationship after I have told them that I am legally still married. 

I know I am not capable of a true relationship right now and often wonder if I ever will be again. I am still grieving. (Now this will probably make you mad) but I have my needs. I was clear, open and honest. The women I had sex with knew I am not emotionally available and did it anyways. 

What I have learned that it causes complications and it does hurt other people. Being they we're single, no spouse was hurt and they knew what they we're getting into before we ever meet, I still had one women trying to get me to seeing her more often and finally had to put an end to it. I did hurt her. I didn't intend to but I did. 

Your message and point is taken. I would have been better off keeping it in my pants but I just can't seem to not know whats out there. It's ego too and it's a temporary fix to a long term problem of a prolonged divorce. For now I am not dating. I want to be alone. I don't want to hurt anyone. Unfortunately I will be dumb enough to go try and fall in love again and hopefully the next time I'll be ready for it. The women that choose to date me, sleep with me know it. There are some women that just have needs too. If you think I am morally screwed up and twisted for satisfying my desires and I am not hurting anyone, then you sir are what I would call a prude.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> _Try Googling Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Sex is on the very first most primary level of need: Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, *sex*, sleep.
> 
> By your definition[/B]:
> Clothing is a want, not a need. If you never had clothing again, you wouldn't die.
> ...


I respect your opinion and the way you live your life. I don't respect that you think critically of me for not doing it your way. I am also not trying to change your opinion. I think its pretty obvious that you are sticking your head above the crowd here. Unfortunately people usually throw stones at people that do that. It shows your conviction for standing up to what you believe in, prudish as it may be and in the minority, I wish you luck. It just seems like a very small pool to be swimming in. I hope you find a women that believes in that as much as you do.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Cheshire Cat said:


> According to your "personal" morality perhaps.
> Thankfully I have my own and it is in no way guided by the legal system of any government.



Wow, how is this any different from the wayward cheaters' way of thinking? :scratchhead:

I have dated a separated man who had declared that there was absolutely NO possibility ever for a reconciliation with his then STBXW and the minute that he really knew during the court hearings how much he would actually lose financially, he turned around, dropped the case and went right back to her.

I will NEVER date separated men again.

"Dating the divorced man" by Christie Hartman describes in depth the risk of dating separated men.

Yes, it's a personal choice but I am actually very surprised to see on this forum so many people who disagree so strongly and sometimes even scornfully with a person who with integrity respects an institution of "legal" marriage and the concept of it. [/QUOTE]

Yep...my dating life is pretty bleak. You are the perfect example of why I don't get as many dates as I would like. I will be happy to finally be divorced. I believe most women feel like this and stay far far away from me. I know I am unemotionally available and just looking for a good time, therefore I would probably stay away from me too but I still get dates. Usually just one date. It's enough for me right now.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

> Yep...my dating life is pretty bleak. You are the perfect example of why I don't get as many dates as I would like. I will be happy to finally be divorced. I believe most women feel like this and stay far far away from me. I know I am unemotionally available and just looking for a good time, therefore I would probably stay away from me too but I still get dates. Usually just one date. It's enough for me right now.


That's why you should date those that are separated; those in the same situation as you.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

It took me about 10 minutes and about 50 bucks to get married. After a 21 year relationship with my ex, I've been dealing with a divorce that has to date taken over 4 years...thanks to my ex stalling the process at every turn.

Shortly after I got separated, I met my current partner. He was also divorcing his wife of 30 years.

He is literally the perfect partner for me. We think alike, we have similar interests and passions, we are in sync physically & mentally. Our children and families are compatible...in fact, far more so than our ex-spouses were.

He got through his divorce a year after we met and he has supported me through my ongoing divorce. Watching the way he treated his ex during the divorce...ie, making sure she was financially provided for, never badmouthing her even though she was trying to poison the children against him, etc...solidified my feelings for him.

Believe me, if you really want to know who a person is...watch them through a divorce.

There is no doubt in my mind that our relationship is more than just chance. We've supported each other through all the changes that divorce brings...family troubles, court, moving, more moving, etc and made it through all of it more in love than ever. We plan to get engage as soon as my divorce is finalized. My ex knows this so is trying to stall the process as much as he can in the hopes it will drive us to split up. Lol, not going to happen but that's how my ex is.

This isn't dependency for me or him. If he walked out tomorrow, I could manage my own life and vice versa. We're both financially stable, healthy people but I'm grateful for every minute that I spend with him.

The bottom line is that I wouldn't have changed a thing despite anyone's judgment on the timing of our relationship. I certainly don't consider anything about my relationship immoral or wrong. I stayed in my marriage longer than I should have and was completely emotionally divorced from my ex by the time I separated. I certainly had zero intention of letting him waste one more minute of my life....time is the most important commodity I have.

If you feel you have to wait until a court imposed date to date, by all means, that's what you should do. The whole family law process is a joke to me and I have zero intention of letting it hold up my life. Certainly not because it takes years to get a marriage dissolved that's been emotionally over for years. But to each their own.


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