# My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?



## drifting2011

I know many couples experienced the same problem. Please help!
I am 32 and he is 31. We have been together for a year. I know it is not a very long time but in the past year, we see each other at least 3 times every week and we spent all the weekends together. We share similar interests and we both want to settle down and have kids. I really see the future with him. We love each other so much. He says it many many times a day. We are really happy with each other. There is no big fight or things like that happened. 

I finally brought up the discussion about marriage for the first time a couple of month ago. I asked him about the goals of our relationship. He said getting married and having kids is no questions at all.

Then a month later, I discussed again. I did not pressure him or anything. I just wanted to figure out what he really thinks. He said he is scared of marriage, which I understand because many people have that phobia. His parents divorced when he was 7. His mom remarried and divorced again when he was 9. He said marriage is a lot of commitment and responsibility and only wants to get married once and is afraid of divorce. He dated one of his exes for 7 years. 

I really discussed with him and asked him two questions:
1) will you be over the phobia one day? and which part of marriage do you really afraid of? when are you going to get out of the phobia?
2) You have the phobia because you do not see the future with me? What can I do for you to get out of the phobia?
His answers are silence. He does not have answers to the questions. 
Then I said
1) "maybe you will not feel the phobia if you meet the right girl" 2)"maybe you should start to date someone when you do not have the phobia. I want marriage and commitment, it is unfair for me to keep the relationship if we do not have the same goals"

He did not know the answer for question 1, because he does not believe there is a soulmate. (I do not believe either). He said he thought dating with help him get over the phobia. But apparently, after we like living together for a year, and we respect each other, there is not big fight or anything like that in the past year, he still has the fear. 
Yes, of course, everybody has the fear, I also do but I want to work together to get rid of it. 

I need advice and help here:
How do I start to help him get rid of the phobia? We discussed it twice but I am afraid of keep bring it up again and again without real progress. That will make it seems that I am pressure him. But it seems that he is willing to discuss it. Everytime we discussed it, he is not reluctant or emotional or like that. He is just silent and knows no answers to the issues.

Or I should consider walking away? I have date a few guys and it is always the my exes and I stuck in the marriage commitment issues and it ended there. Why am I always attracted to the same type of guy? Or is he just not that into me.

Please help!


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## RandomDude

I've never wanted to get married either, even though the missus was the best woman I've ever met and the fact that we already had a very close relationship to begin with. She's tried for years to push for commitment and it just ended up with arguments. Funny thing was that I was already committed to her, just didn't want no contract.

The only reason I ended up married was because she rang the baby bells and made me go  :banghead: Which a part of me still does suspect that she engineered it to push for commitment - but it's a long shot. Nonetheless everything seemed rather 'calculated' during that time.

Meh, it worked though. Darn it. Only way to conquer such a phobia is to have no choice but to take a leap of faith. I made a promise once that if I had a child he/she will never go through abandonment like me, and that was my weakness, which was perhaps naturally or calculatively exploited.

I got whipped :whip:


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## alg1208

You can't force someone to marry you...especially when you've only been dating for a year. Seriously...best advice I can give you? Chill out. 

For some reason people seem to think that a year is the magic number. I've known people who have dated for as little as 6 months and as long as 5 years without ever even talking about marriage. If he's not comfortable with it it doesn't necessarily mean that he's never going to be...it means he hasn't had enough time to be. So stop talking about it with him for at least another year and then see whats up.


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## drifting2011

thanks for your quick response. The problem is that I do not have another year to wait. I am in the process of looking for new jobs and it is impossible for me to get a job in my area in my city or if I get one job, I stuck here. I have to relocate in the next few months. I have to move to other cities. He will be relocate to some other city in the next two years too. But he does not know where he wants to go. I am OK with moving with him if we are more committed. But if we are just bf and gf, I do not think I can handle long distance. My bf and I both experienced unsuccessful long-distance relationships before.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

drifting2011 said:


> I need advice and help here:
> How do I start to help him get rid of the phobia?


Depends on how deep his fear of marriage runs. He may need to see a counselor.

I know a great guy who is 50 yrs old. Although he has had opportunities to marry, he never has and probably never will. 

He did become a father though. That situation may have been engineered for the push to commitment just like RandomDude stated. However, my friend’s phobia of marriage runs to deep and he still did not marry.

He is in counseling now, but at 50 yrs old, not sure how much it will help him.


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## Laurae1967

You can't help him get over his fear of commitment. He has to be the one to deal with it.

If you find you are ALWAYS attracted to emotionally unavailable men, eitehr you are expecting commitment too quickly or you have some commitment issues yourself (it is common for someone with passive commitment issues - you - to pair off with someone with active commitment issues - him.)

So the only thing you can do is get therapy yourself to figure out what is going on with YOU. After a year of serious dating, you should both be heading in the same direction.


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## Dayhiker

You can't deal with his isues especially this quickly. THe real question is, "How soon to you want to get married?" If your agenda is to find a husband soon, cut your losses now and look for a man who is looking for a wife.


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## drifting2011

Thanks for everyone's response. I feel very disappointed with guys. Most of my friends dated and got engaged in the first year of their relationship. As a girl, I really do not want to bring up issues of marriage. I do not like that feeling. But I dated guys and waited years without talking about marriage, nothing happened. 

I guess I just have bad luck with guys. How to find out if a guy is marry-minded and ready to settle down before dating? Any tips?


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## that_girl

Stop comparing to other relationships.

I have learned to stop trying to control everything as well. Take care of you and things will fall into place.

Get a job out of town. Oh well. You will see if it's true love or not.


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## saveamarriage101

if you cant handle a long distance relationship while dating (bf and gf) you wont handle it being married. The only thing that really changes when your married is that your legally together etc. The relationship doesnt really change.

If he is just purely scared of getting married, that doesnt meant he doesnt want to. Peharps he lacks knowledge of what happens legally in a marriage.

My advice would be for both of you to read about marriages, find out what happens legally. Gain some knowledge. If you both still want to get married after that point, he will need to take that "risk". I say risk because there is nothing certain in life. Everyday he drives a car, it is a risk. Marriage could possibly end in a divorce yes. But if you 2 truly love each other, you will do anything possible to make sure that doesn't happen in your marriage. You will work through it. Just like taking precautions, wearing your seatbelt and driving safely to decrease the "risk"


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## Jellybeans

drifting2011 said:


> I need advice and help here:
> How do I start to help him get rid of the phobia?


You don't. 

It's his issue and his opinion.



drifting2011 said:


> We discussed it twice but I* am afraid of keep bring it up again and again without real progress.* That will make it seems that I am pressure him. But it seems that he is willing to discuss it. Everytime we discussed it, he is not reluctant or emotional or like that. *He is just silent and knows no answers to the issues*.


1. "Real progress?" To me that translates to you wanting him to tell you something he does not believe in (marriage namely or not having a marriage "phobia") which means that you don't respect his answers because you want him to tell you something that isn't "him" in order to assuage your bad feelings about him not being into marriage.
2. "He knows no answers to the issues"--again... this to me says you hear clearly waht he does tell you when he talks about his phobia....you just wish he had a different answer.

Either accept him as he is or leave the relationship. You cannot make anyone get over any fear/want to do anything/or have your own feelings/decisions be their own. 

To me it sounds like he's just not telling you want you want to hear. 

It sounds like you really want to get married and he ... doesn't want to. 




drifting2011 said:


> I have date a few guys and it is always the my exes and I stuck in the marriage commitment issues and it ended there. *Why am I always attracted to the same type of guy?* Or is he just not that into me.Please help!


If you have a pattern of seeking out relationships with men who don't have your same life goals/wants/needs/desires, then you may want to figure out what attracts you to people who ultimately don't want the same things you do. It sounds like self-sabotage.


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## Ladybugs

hi, sorry your going through this...first, before I forget, I just wanted to say, do not diminish the length of time youve been with him- you said you know a year is not that long-- its not a lifetime, but honestly, a year is a significant amount of time-- dont diminish the value of that...I dont say this to discourage you, but rather to help encourage you to not doubt what you may already know inside-- a year IS a long time- its not a lifetime, but that doesnt take away from what it is. Plenty of people get engaged and/or married in less time than that. I guess I felt the need to emphasize that because I sensed that maybe you are doubting or second guessing what your gut is telling you

someone above pointed out something pretty smart that I agree with totally- in reference to saveamarriage's post above, there are alot of risks in life. Your boyfriend says he is afraid of marriage. If he viewed all of life that way, he would never step foot in a car, for fear of an accident. He would never work, for fear of being fired, he wouldnt venture to go to school bc he might fail classes, etc etc. *I think there are probably a few people out there that for some reason do have a real fear of marriage, but I think that most men who claim that fear are not really afraid so much as they are wanting to keep their life as is-- they dont want responsibility, they want to in some ways still do their own thing. I dont buy the line about being afraid-- how is it that your boyfriend is not afraid to do everything else in life? **.if it genuinely IS a real fear, then they can work through that in counseling- not just keep drifting along, waving the "im afraid" flag in order to not have to take responsibility*


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## magnoliagal

At 32 time is not on your side. If he doesn't want to marry you by now it's time to cut him loose and find someone that does.


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## Ladybugs

Drifting

you need to find out if is he man A or man B...ask him if he wants to marry you what he is goign to do to get over his fear of marriage, so you two can get married?

if he is man A, he will set a course and be determined to marry you..i.e. he will ask you to go to counseling with him for 6 months and then get married (or something like that)

if he is man B, he wont make any type of plan with you to get over it and get married-- he might say counseling is too expensive, or he is too busy...he might even go to counseling a few times but if the counselor tries to pin him down on a marriage time frame, he will be vague and make excuses... 

find out what man he is - A or B. You will know if he really wants to marry you or if he just wants to drift along

one more note-- you said when you try to ask him about it, his answers are silence,....that's not good enough. He is a man in his thirties, in a relationship - that in itself is a way of shrugging off responsibility..so it could be ,that he just really doesnt like to take responsibility. When you ask him what he will do to take action to get over his fear of marriage will show you what he is all about- man A, or man B, the type who avoids any responsibility to people in his life


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## southern wife

If it were me, I would not bring up marriage again with him. :scratchhead: Let him figure it out for himself. Leave him alone with his thoughts of it and he'll come to a conclusion either way. Since you have to move to find work, then move. If he finds himself missing you and wanting you after you're gone, then he'll do what it takes to be with you (ie move near you or ask to live together). If not, then you'll know that answer as well, and can move forward with your life. Do no ask him to go with you, and do not wait and see what city he wants to move to. Be a woman, make your own decisions, and the rest will fall into place - with or without him.


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## Cross

I'd personally start bringing up the fact you will be moving to someone else if your current relationship is stuck in neutral.

Don't bring up marriage, just bring up you'll be gone.


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## Invictus-Soul

This is long. I have some hard truths to say about marriage in our modern society. I will try to be as kind as I can, but I know that sometimes the truth hurts.

This posting starts with the false premise that your man has "an issue". He does not. He has legitimate reasons for being fearful of marriage. It is not you. It's apparent that he loves you deeply and enjoys being with you. He values the relationship, but not the legal contract your proposing. He wants you. He just doesn't want to risks involved with the legality. The legal contract states that he be monogamous to you for the rest of his life, and if he doesn't, then he'll be severely punished. 

*The problem is that, in our society, there is little to no incentive for men to marry.* 

He has witnessed the painful destruction of multiple marriages first hand, as have the rest of us. He rightfully does not wish to go through this, and he would rather keep things simple and happy as they are. Ask yourself, how many people do you know who are "happily married"?

The divorce rate is currently 50%, and 70% of all divorces are initiated by women. Your boyfriend is at significant risk for his nightmares to come true if he marries you. Most of the remaining 50% of marriages that don't end in divorce are unhappy "forced marriages". Couples staying together for the kids, women unable to leave because they can't support themselves, men not wanting to lose half of everything they've ever worked for, etc. Your chances of having a life-long, monogamous, happy marriage, is very slim indeed. 

What do you want? The relationship, or the legal contract? Do you want to love him, or are you seeking legal access to his wealth? Do you wish to bind him to you eternally, even if he wishes not to? Do you want him to want you? (He does) Perhaps more likely, are you succumbing to societal pressure, and the need to satisfy your maternal instincts? In our society of anything goes, you can have everything that you could have in a marriage, minus the legal headaches by simply not getting married. 

And therin lies the problem with marriage in our modern society, the cost to benefit ration simply doesn't compute, particularly for men. It's mostly all risk. Men pay for the diamond rings, men pay for weddings (fathers of the bride), men support family's. When things don't work out, it's typically the men that get sued for half of everything they ever worked for, and have to pay child support and alimony. How many women do you know that pay alimony?

I don't mean to sound harsh or chauvenistic. I empathize with the plight of women in marriage too. However, I think our modern society has paid a heavy price for equality, the blurring of gender roles, and the erosion of tradition. The bottom line is that the sexes don't "need" each other anymore. Let me explain...

Men and women marry for different reasons. Men marry to secure a sexual partner and to secure a good mother for their children. Women marry to secure a protector and a provider. The bottom line is that men want lots of sex, and women want the protection and resources that men provide. We may deny this on a cerebral level, but we are all driven by our natural instincts. To deny this is to deny reality. This is why men seek out the most sexually attractive females, and women seek out the strongest men who are good providers (make a lot of money). So in society you see women trying to be sexy (attracting men) and you see men lifting weights and trying to make money (attracting women). These are generalizations but there's truth to them.

So now we live in a society where men don't really need women anymore. Men can have more sex by staying single and dating or having a string of monogamous relationships (serial monogamy). They don't need women to cook or clean for us. We can get fast food and hire a maid (industrial society taking over traditional female rolls). Again, there is no incentive for men to marry in our society. Men do however need women if they want to have children, but men don't really have that nurturing instinct like women do, so not having kids isn't that big of a deal.

Likewise, women no longer need men either. They no longer need providers and protectors. Women have equality and jobs to provide them with money, and if they need protection, they call the police. So in the same way as above, our modern industrial society has taken over traditional male rolls.

Our society, tort system, and economy views us as individuals and as equals. We are equals, but there's no doubt that we're different in our own unique ways. Women want to be nurturers and care givers, and they want to feel feminine and sexy. Men want to be providers and protectors, and they want to be masculin. It's what drives us together as human beigns. But these rolls have been taken from us, and don't worry, I won't go into a long diatribe on the reasons why.

To add to this, there are other significant challenges we face: like living in the information age where everyone is in contact with everyone all the time over the internet, email, facebook, texting, etc which routinely bombards us with temptation and threatens our relationships. 

70% of people in the US are overweight or obese which reduces or eliminates our sexual attraction for each other, making us desire other people and other lives. Add to this, the erosion of religious traditions (social pressure), the stresses of raising children, the acceptance of divorce as commonplace in our society, the glorification of drama in our media, constant sexual bombardment by the media, the extreme financial stress of trying to survive in this country/economy. The list goes on....

So, in summary, your boyfriend doesn't have an issue. He sees much of this and rationally takes pause, as he should. The world is not a fairy tale. It's not going to be full of white weddings and honeymoons and living happily ever after. My advice would be to first love this man. Love him for who he is and don't try to pressure him into a situation that is most likely going to be bad for him. If you love him, then stay with him in the city where you are. Be happy with what you have. If you want, put rings on your fingers and commit to each other, remove the false pressure that you're putting on yourselves. You can even one day have children. You're only a year into this relationship. Trust me, your infatuation will subside in time.

Please educate yourself on the realities of marriage in our modern society. Inviting state law into your relationship will probably only cause problems. See what he sees, recognize that there's not much incentive for men to marry in our society. It's not an issue with him or you. Maybe offer him a pre-nup to ease his fears if you feel like you have to get married. Just know that there are alternatives out there to the life that is dictated by our modern society. Be thankful that you've found love. Many are not so fortunate.

I recognize this may have come across as harsh or negative, but it's important to recognize the realities with which we live. Putting on blinders and not seeing all this will only hurt you in the end.


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## drifting2011

to Invictus-Soul
thanks for our thorough analysis. I totally know the fact that the legalities are so overwhelming in case of marriage. But not like you said, against men. I think it is against the side that has more economic stability in the couple. I have dated men that earn way less than me. 

The problem of my bf is case is not the legalities. He wants kids and he believes marriage/family is the foundation of kids.


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