# Sexless Marriages



## Papa Bear (Apr 22, 2011)

I have a question for everyone. If your loving spouse lost sex drive, what would you do? I am not saying that he or she is not sexually interested in YOU but simply no sex ability.

How would you deal with this? Would you be satsfied to have sex like once a month? Would you get divorced because of this? 

I just like other peoples opinion about this not so rare problem in marriages.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Sex is an integral part of marriage. It bonds two people together.

My wife has an almost zero sex drive. Sex is, at best, once a month and then it is boring with her having a 'lets just get this over with attitude'.
What I may need or want from her sexually simply doesn't enter her mind....and when I do try to discuss my needs, desires etc with her she dismisses them out of hand.

I think if a spouse loses his/her sex drive but realises it accepts it and tries to address it and reach a compromise with the other partner then no I don't think it is grounds for divorce.

I am biding my time until the children are a bit older.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

I wish I had an answer. I have had the "sex talk" with my wife too many times. 

I just think she has no interest in sex nor in my sexual needs. As a result, I'm resentful and tend not to do the things she likes including nonsexual closeness.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If my wife lost her sex drive or lost her physical ability to perform traditional sexual acts, I could adjust. I can live without sex but I refuse to live without intimacy. Sex is great and i love it, but without intimacy, there's no marriage. At some point in the future, sex is probably going to extremely rare or just a non-issue. I'll still need to feel loved and cared for and I'll still need to show those feelings for my wife. 
Which would you prefer? A wife who ignored you and made no effort to interact with you at all but twice a week, bent over and offered you sex or a wife, who, though unable to have traditional sex, frequently gave you kisses and hugs, held your hand, obviously enjoyed your company, had your back, etc? I guess if I had to choose between feeling laid or feeling loved, I'd go with loved.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Historically this was always the case. It was called constructive abandonment. It was a legal ground for divorce, just like physical abandonment, adultery, etc etc. 

But as of last year, New York became the last state in the US to adopt no-fault divorce. Therefore constructive abandonment is no longer a legal ground for divorce. The law is simply catching up with the times.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would do everything possible to figure out how I fail to make my wife feel loved by me and sexual toward me. I would then fix those things. I would then confront my wife that I did my part to improve the love I gave to her, and it is now her turn to make an effort to turn around sexually for me. If she chose not to improve, after I have demonstrated my willingness to work on myself, I would go the divorce route.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

This sounds fascinating! There does not appear to be a single one of these therapists in my entire state.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Papa Bear said:


> I have a question for everyone. If your loving spouse lost sex drive, what would you do? I am not saying that he or she is not sexually interested in YOU but simply no sex ability.
> 
> I am not dealing with it at all. I have tried to be patient, but it is starting to wear thin.
> 
> ...


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Married&Confused....unfortunately I'm in there with you - my wife isn't interested in my needs/desires but expects me to be there to give her what (and only what) she wants - non sexual intimacy ie cuddles, hand holding etc.
So like you, I tend to shy away from giving her what SHE wants. 
It makes me feel very resentful towards her.

And no, being intimate with her on HER terms doesn't lead to what I'd like.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This won't sound nice of me at all, but hey, I try to be honest. Don't think I could hang with it. I would be utterly and pathetically miserable, longing for the past. It would affect all parts of my life and simply reduce me to depression, anger, jealousy, probably resentment, envy. It wouldn't be pretty. 

I *need *to feel some DESIRE from my husband, it is very very important to me, up there with LOVE. Even if he was using toys, his hands, this would be doable, but some type of sexual affectionate connection on a regular consistent basis- that he WANTS to be there with me in those moments. Masterbating alone while being married would not be working for me at all, that would cause me a river of tears. Maybe when I hit menopause this will not be my mindset, but it IS for now. 

I truly hope I am never "tested" on this in our marraige, I would fear my own reaction to such a tragic test.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

The problem is, for a man, these things are critically related. If my wife withholds sex (either because she doesn't care, is prioritising the kids excessively and treating me like furniture, or she just doesn't feel the next for sex more than once in a year unlike in the early phase of our relationship when she'd seek it daily) then I'm going to feel rejected.

This is going to make me feel angry and hardly very lovable....

I think, like food-clothing-shelter sex too is a basic human need. (Some on this list will say 'you can't die without sex'. If that's the case, ditto wrt shelter and clothing too. Not life-threating, but very essential.)



unbelievable said:


> If my wife lost her sex drive or lost her physical ability to perform traditional sexual acts, I could adjust. I can live without sex but I refuse to live without intimacy. Sex is great and i love it, but without intimacy, there's no marriage. At some point in the future, sex is probably going to extremely rare or just a non-issue. I'll still need to feel loved and cared for and I'll still need to show those feelings for my wife.
> Which would you prefer? A wife who ignored you and made no effort to interact with you at all but twice a week, bent over and offered you sex or a wife, who, though unable to have traditional sex, frequently gave you kisses and hugs, held your hand, obviously enjoyed your company, had your back, etc? I guess if I had to choose between feeling laid or feeling loved, I'd go with loved.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This won't sound nice of me at all, but hey, I try to be honest. Don't think I could hang with it. I would be utterly and pathetically miserable, longing for the past. It would affect all parts of my life and simply reduce me to depression, anger, jealousy, probably resentment, envy. It wouldn't be pretty.
> 
> I *need *to feel some DESIRE from my husband, it is very very important to me, up there with LOVE. Even if he was using toys, his hands, this would be doable, but some type of sexual affectionate connection on a regular consistent basis- that he WANTS to be there with me in those moments. *Masterbating alone while being married would not be working for me at all, that would cause me a river of tears*. Maybe when I hit menopause this will not be my mindset, but it IS for now.
> 
> I truly hope I am never "tested" on this in our marraige, I would fear my own reaction to such a tragic test.


Masturbating alone has been about the sum total of my sex life since we got married. We've been married nearly three years and have had sex about 20 times during our marriage. We have had totally dry spells of 4 months (twice) and 6 months. After trying so hard (unsuccessfully) to address the situation with my husband, I got to a stage where I no longer wanted him sexually - it just turned me off having to beg for sex every time. There has been no intimacy in our relationship and I'm now preparing to move out and move on. He knows this and is desperately upset about the end of our marriage but it's too late for us. A marriage without sex is a sham.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

doobie said:


> Masturbating alone has been about the sum total of my sex life since we got married. We've been married nearly three years and have had sex about 20 times during our marriage. We have had totally dry spells of 4 months (twice) and 6 months. After trying so hard (unsuccessfully) to address the situation with my husband, I got to a stage where I no longer wanted him sexually - it just turned me off having to beg for sex every time. There has been no intimacy in our relationship and I'm now preparing to move out and move on. He knows this and is desperately upset about the end of our marriage but it's too late for us. A marriage without sex is a sham.


I sympathize with you DEEPLY... I often wonder how some hold on AS LONG as they do.. because inevitably it will come to the same conclusion.. stuffing your hurt, ongoing rejection like this only causes a "seething resentment" that slowly but surely eats away at what you once shared together, blackening all of it.... our natural make up can not just turn these emotions ON & OFF at will... when they wither & die due to neglect.. well it's just like a dead flower.. you can't bring it back to life. 

I often don't get the partner who can't' grasp that they let something go on TOO LONG, with their continual rejection KNOWING FULL WELL they were hurting the other...do they really THINK in their delusion they can somehow make up for this ....for YEARS of [email protected]#$ ... if He didn't want to make love THEN.. then why suddenly NOW..(Not that you said this.. but some seem to try to turn this back around -depending)

Yeah. it's too late. 

I hope you find the intimacy you crave and deserve Doobie !

A giver in this area should be with a GIVER...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If it is a medical issue, I would work around it with her.

Otherwise, I would delve, dig, probe and prod until we fixed it or I would leave.

I am far too much of a human jackhammer to be in a relationship and not frequently ravage her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Awwww doobie! You still haven't gotten out of your situation yet.  Get a move on girl!

If you're in a sexless marriage you need to fight for yourself. Not just the talks where you say you need more sex and empty promises get made. You need to let them know it's not just "sex", but get them to understand the pain of feeling undesirable and unwanted. You need to tell them clearly this is a marriage ending issue and give them the opportunity to work on it together or you need to back up words with action and walk away. They may not be evil partners bent on making you unhappy, they may just not "get it" and need help better understanding your needs and their hangups.

1) Be 100% prepared to end the marriage if it doesn't get fixed or you're hamstringing yourself from the start.
2) Take a real look at yourself and fix what needs fixing. Are you in shape, good hygiene, positive attitude, carrying your half of the marriage log?
3) Realize you are half of the problem for letting the situation get to where it is now. It takes two to be sexless, one who lacks interest and one who puts up with it.
4) Clearly elucidate the impact the sexless marriage is having on you; lack of esteem, loneliness, loosing feelings for your partner, etc. Get the focus off "just getting more sex". 
5) Work with partner to identify why they have gone sexless, and how you both can work through it. Sometimes they just need to get their "mind right" and refocused on a sexual relationship, others may need counseling or medical intervention. 
6) Set reasonable goals and timelines for improvement. Don't let it drag on indefinitely. 
7) End marriage if partner continues sexless, or find alternative such as open marriage if that works for you.

It may or may not be fixable, but doing nothing will change nothing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

doobie said:


> Masturbating alone has been about the sum total of my sex life since we got married. We've been married nearly three years and have had sex about 20 times during our marriage. We have had totally dry spells of 4 months (twice) and 6 months. After trying so hard (unsuccessfully) to address the situation with my husband, I got to a stage where I no longer wanted him sexually - it just turned me off having to beg for sex every time. There has been no intimacy in our relationship and I'm now preparing to move out and move on. He knows this and is desperately upset about the end of our marriage but it's too late for us. A marriage without sex is a sham.


*Doobie: Has your H ever given due and serious consideration to either marriage(MC) or sexual counseling? I'm taking it that the answer is "No!" *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Doobie: Has your H ever given due and serious consideration to either marriage(MC) or sexual counseling? I'm taking it that the answer is "No!" *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, we live abroad so accessing some sort of MC or SC would be well nigh impossible. In my own quest to understand the situation, I have ordered and read several books on the subject, including the books by David Schnarch. During several of our "talks" on the subject, I did recommend that he read the books but he said that as I had read the books, I must have all the answers and that I should just tell lhim what to do to "fix the problem". Whenever we visited our home country over the past few years (for a month or so at a time) I did urge him to see a doctor and discuss his T levels and his alcohol consumption but he never "got round to it". Instead, he spent most of his time watching the TV. In the meantime, watching him sit round watching TV all day, not bothering to wash or shower and displaying the most dreadful temper tantrums (both when drunk and when sober) killed any desire I had for him along with any love I had for him. Right now, my priority is getting out of the relationship. I've told him that I'm looking for somewhere else to live and that I will hopefully be gone at the end of the month. He's not too happy about this, but has accepted it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

doobie said:


> No, we live abroad so accessing some sort of MC or SC would be well nigh impossible. In my own quest to understand the situation, I have ordered and read several books on the subject, including the books by David Schnarch. During several of our "talks" on the subject, I did recommend that he read the books but he said that as I had read the books, I must have all the answers and that I should just tell lhim what to do to "fix the problem". Whenever we visited our home country over the past few years (for a month or so at a time) I did urge him to see a doctor and discuss his T levels and his alcohol consumption but he never "got round to it". Instead, he spent most of his time watching the TV. In the meantime, watching him sit round watching TV all day, not bothering to wash or shower and displaying the most dreadful temper tantrums (both when drunk and when sober) killed any desire I had for him along with any love I had for him. Right now, my priority is getting out of the relationship. I've told him that I'm looking for somewhere else to live and that I will hopefully be gone at the end of the month. He's not too happy about this, but has accepted it.


*Given that, you absolutely cannot say that you didn't give things an honest try! 

There is definitely some lucky guy out there who you will find that will truly love, honor, and cherish you for who you truly are! 

Best of luck to you, Sweetheart!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

If I'm doing all I can as a husband to meet her needs and she still withholds sex or simply doesn't want it, then I would ask her, "How do you expect me to be faithful to you when you won't meet my need for sexual intimacy?" This type of woman wants complete fidelity from her husband yet won't give him sex. Hypocrite!!! If she wants to be the only game in town, then she better be game!
Thank God my wife isn't a prude when it comes to sex!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

AlphaMale74 said:


> If I'm doing all I can as a husband to meet her needs and she still withholds sex or simply doesn't want it, then I would ask her, "How do you expect me to be faithful to you when you won't meet my need for sexual intimacy?" This type of woman wants complete fidelity from her husband yet won't give him sex. Hypocrite!!! If she wants to be the only game in town, then she better be game!
> Thank God my wife isn't a prude when it comes to sex!


One of the weirdest issues I've come across is that although my H hasn't wanted sex during our marriage, if another guy flirts with me he goes absolutely mental. He seems to have a real "dog in a manger" attitude about this. When I first realised we had a problem I was pretty much in despair - I'm in my fifties and started feeling undesirable, unattractive, etc. I felt really humiliated having to beg him to have sex with me and was looking at myself so critically trying to work out what was wrong with me that my own husband had not interest in having sex with me. I really couldn't see what was so wrong with me - yes, I'm older but I'm fit and active and reasonably attractive. Then I noticed that other men were looking at me with real interest - this made a huge difference to my self esteem which had zeroed by then. However, if another man talked to me, my H would make a point of coming over and putting his arm around me, calling my his wife, etc and really making sure the other man knew that I was totally unavailable. It was pretty heartbreaking knowing that other men were interested when he was not. He's very possessive and has become more so as time has gone on. However, I'm not in the least possessive - if my H is in conversation with another woman, it really doesn't bother me and never has. I've always been pretty easy going, I'm not the possessive, jealous type and if he's having a laugh with somebody else, it doesn't bother me at all as I'm the person he'll be going home with at the end of the evening. However, we now come home at the end of the evening and sleep in separate rooms.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

My wife lost her drive after our son was born. I told myself that it would get better. When my son was 18 months the wife and I had our first serious talk about sex. I asked repeatedly what she needed from me. Her response was always "nothing" 

When our son was two, I told her that I did not sign up for a loveless marriage. She didnt understand. She read the 5 love languages and asked if I would read it. I was totally disappointed in the book. It mentioned sex I believe only once. To me hand holding and cuddling are not sex and not my language. I told her this and she vowed to make it better. We have been steady 2-3 times a week since. Which is amazing considering our crazy schedules.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I would do what I did before, when my wife had medical, psychological, and mental hurdles that made sex both terrifying and difficult for her.

Basically, I did the exact same thing that conan said he would do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

doobie said:


> One of the weirdest issues I've come across is that although my H hasn't wanted sex during our marriage, if another guy flirts with me he goes absolutely mental. He seems to have a real "dog in a manger" attitude about this. When I first realised we had a problem I was pretty much in despair - I'm in my fifties and started feeling undesirable, unattractive, etc. I felt really humiliated having to beg him to have sex with me and was looking at myself so critically trying to work out what was wrong with me that my own husband had not interest in having sex with me. I really couldn't see what was so wrong with me - yes, I'm older but I'm fit and active and reasonably attractive. Then I noticed that other men were looking at me with real interest - this made a huge difference to my self esteem which had zeroed by then. However, if another man talked to me, my H would make a point of coming over and putting his arm around me, calling my his wife, etc and really making sure the other man knew that I was totally unavailable. It was pretty heartbreaking knowing that other men were interested when he was not. He's very possessive and has become more so as time has gone on. However, I'm not in the least possessive - if my H is in conversation with another woman, it really doesn't bother me and never has. I've always been pretty easy going, I'm not the possessive, jealous type and if he's having a laugh with somebody else, it doesn't bother me at all as I'm the person he'll be going home with at the end of the evening. However, we now come home at the end of the evening and sleep in separate rooms.


It sounds like you're going to be so much happier without him. Good for you!


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## Ray Gipson (Aug 9, 2015)

I think it's a trick of the devil when a man marries a woman and she feel or think sex isn't important is malicious and controlling


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I've just visited with a friend of mine who went out for a drink with my H and another of our friends on Friday nights. I didn't go as I was ill in bed with an eye infection and feeling really rough. Apparently, my H was already drunk when they picked him up and spent the whole evening either trying to pick a fight or chatting up a load of young women who weren't interested in him. Then on the way home, my H pointed out the house belonging to another friend who he's trying to help get some handiwork done on her house. The next morning (after their night out on Friday), my H drove to the nearest town with this woman and was gone for 3 hours, again, this did not bother me, as far as I was concerned he was helping out a friend. However, that night in the car with our two friends, he was calling this woman a cougar and saying that he husband is away and he thinks she's "up for it". You live and learn


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Leaving a marriage for infrequent sex to me means that there wasnt anything else holding the marriage together. Right now we only do it once a month but it's always great. It's the frequency I'd love to change but I don't see that happening


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I guess everyone's relationship is unique. If once a month is fine for you, great. Other people might have a different threshold. If your mate 'can't won't doesn't have to' month after month year after year, while that's normal for them, maybe they have to go be normal with someone else.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Once a month is not fine for me. But I am tired of arguing for more and I love her for more than sex.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

@doobie, your situation sounds just like mine. My wife has been a cold fish going on 5 years. You need to get an exit strategy together and execute it. A marriage where one does not respect, desire or try their damnedest to meet your needs is not a marriage at all. You gave it your best shot. If he won't participate, there is nothing more you can do.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Papa Bear said:


> I have a question for everyone. If your loving spouse lost sex drive, what would you do? I am not saying that he or she is not sexually interested in YOU but simply no sex ability.
> 
> How would you deal with this? Would you be satsfied to have sex like once a month? Would you get divorced because of this?
> 
> I just like other peoples opinion about this not so rare problem in marriages.


It would depend on what her problem was and how she dealt with it.
If she turned genuinely asexual, but tried to love me as best she could, then I would give her a lot of space. if she was mean about it,
I would demand a resolution. That's what my ex. was. mean and 'in-your face about it'. she would taunt me. that's why she's my ex.

then, there'a the middle, where the wife(or husband) is just indifferent. that i think is where most sexless marriage are.

that's a form of meanness. just not as overt.


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## aj_lives (Dec 22, 2014)

I've lived this situation for about 5 years. My husband had medical issues that result in ED as well as he has lost any real interest in sex. We have sex maybe every 6-8 weeks. Usually when I remind him it's been too long. Last year I hit the wall and was ready to walk out the door but he didn't want to end the marriage and begged me to make it work. He did some counseling for a month or so and things got better for 2-3 months but now we are back to where we were as far as sex is concerned. He is still affectionate outside the bedroom but just like some of you have commented, it's not enough . However I look at other friends marriages .. Husbands who won't hold down a job or have substance abuse problems and then I think maybe I put too much emphasis on sex. My husband loves me, we spend time together and he's a good dad to our kids. I don't have any answers because I can't seem to make my husband understand how much I need sex. His lack of desire and medical issues seem to keep him from getting it. The one thing I can say is that sometimes the marriage and the relationship you have is worth the heartache and the grief and the continued effort to try to fix the issue .. And it's a constant battle because it's not ever really fixed it's just better or worse . The struggle is real!


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

She knows I am not happy with it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What I'd do would depend on the cause or reason. If it's an untreatable medical condition, we'd invoke our open relationship agreement, or decide to divorce and hopefully remain friends. If it's deliberate, then after a moderate time devoted to trying to fix it, I'd divorce if not fixed and not remain friends. Having once been in a miserable long term sexless relationship, I will never accept one again, nor will I wait very long to move on (unless I'm also losing sexual interest and appetite, but then we'd be on the same page and no need to do anything about it!).


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## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

Twenty two years into my marriage, my STBEx lost interest in sex. I was bewildered by this but knew it would be a touchy subject to raise and would lead to an angry outburst followed by the silent treatment, as he sees any discussion about issues as a criticism, no matter how carefully I word things so I carried on, just being satisfied with cuddles and hand holding, etc. Over the subsequent years, all forms of intimacy dwindled, to the point where he didn't even want me sitting next to him on the sofa. He made me feel that everything was my fault so I kept trying to be a 'better' wife. Over a couple of years ago, we went away for a weekend. I made a real effort, bought sexy lingerie, etc, which when I put it on just got the comment "WTF are you doing?". I felt completely humiliated and feeling like I had nothing left to lose, tried to raise the subject. As anticipated, he turned nasty and insulting to the point where I realised I would never have be able to have an intimate relationship with him again, even if he begged and pleaded.

I didn't get married to be 'single in a relationship' (by this time we were doing nothing together) and started to talk about separation. I thought he would be in favour as he was obviously getting nothing out of the 'relationship' but he was dead against this. I decided I would rather be alone without him than alone with him and filed for divorce. He was devastated and said he 'didn't see it coming; anyone else would have tried to make a go of the relationship but, oh no, not you'.

My huge mistake was not raising the issue when it first happened but it is bewildering and humiliating to be rejected constantly and you end up feeling as if there is something wrong with you.

If your spouse isn't prepared to listen to you and work with you to get both sets of needs met, then there is no hope. Physicaly intimacy is an integral part of marriage as it is what makes the relationship special and different to mere friendships. If one person isn't happy, they won't be able to put up with the situation indefinitely, no matter how much they love their partner and kid themselves that it doesn't matter.

I never thought I would divorce but what is the point of remaining in a loveless, sexless marriage?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

You obviously do not understand what I am saying. I have always wanted more sex than what I am getting and my wife is fully aware of this. To her she is doing all she is capable of. If that is not enough for me yea I could leave her. But I value what we have more than I want more frequent sex.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

And I have never lied to her about it.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I accept less sex because she won't do more. She is very aware I do not like it


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Again I am no liar.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Okguy said:


> To her she is doing all she is capable of. If that is not enough for me yea I could leave her. But I value what we have more than I want more frequent sex.


Ok, fine. So what are you complaining about? What is your purpose in being here? To try to convince others in your situation who are no ok with it to accept their circumstances? To tell them they're all doing it wrong and you aren't? What's the point.

By the way, most of your posts sound like you're desperately trying to convince yourself that what you're getting from her is enough and you can get by without the sex. Good luck with that.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

My point is that I don't know what to do to get more sex. I am obviously not happy with it but I am at a loss with how to change it.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I don't know how to change it.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Okguy said:


> I don't know how to change it.


You can't change it. SHE has to and you don't give her a reason to change it so why should she?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I figured my frustration is the reason but apparently not.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

The other puzzler is that when we do it we have great sex. She climaxes hard all the time. Multiple positions and oral. Go figure.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She has to know its a deal breaker before she'll put effort into changing.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Deal breaker =divorce. Right?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I know, I know you're not willing to take that step. The best advice you can get is to make peace with what she's willing to give. Guys with your level of oneitis don't see changes.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Oneitis?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If she doesn't want sex, you are stuck. You can divorce - its a valid reason. You could threaten divorce, but I don't think you want sex under threat. You can basically threaten to behave in a way that makes her unhappy unless she gives you sex, but I don't think you want that either.

You cannot make her want sex. Based on what I've see myself and in other LD/HD situations, there is no way to make her have sex just to make you happy.

Divorce or get use to a lifetime of frustration and resentment.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Richard much of what you say makes sense and I agree with. I am trying to adjust to infrequent sex but it ain't easy. Thank you for your input


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I would do everything possible to figure out how I fail to make my wife feel loved by me and sexual toward me. I would then fix those things. I would then confront my wife that I did my part to improve the love I gave to her, and it is now her turn to make an effort to turn around sexually for me. If she chose not to improve, after I have demonstrated my willingness to work on myself, I would go the divorce route.


Yeah, I would blame myself. Wait, I already did. Sometimes the person you married has their own personal rules. Remember we are in CWI.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I wonder how many of you who say go the divorce route actually followed their own advice?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Okguy said:


> I wonder how many of you who say go the divorce route actually followed their own advice?


Not too many, the problem is that hindsight is 20/20. There is always an excuse why it will get better if you just wait it out, be a better spouse etc. That clarity that it will never change comes much later.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

There are many things people do in a marriage that they may not like at that particular time. So if my wife lost some interest and still went through a reasonable number, I'd just assume that it changed, things change, and it would not be a big deal. If however 1) her interest decline, and 2) she decided that she could determine for both of us that there would be no more marital fulfillment, it would be a problem. I would not beg and plead but instead reflect her words in another context. I know I said we would go out Friday Night to your mother's but I am just not in the mood. I am sorry, it's my problem not yours, but it won't help anyone for me to just go through the motions, if I am really not into it.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

anonmd said:


> Not too many, the problem is that hindsight is 20/20. There is always an excuse why it will get better if you just wait it out, be a better spouse etc. That clarity that it will never change comes much later.


It will never change. You will get some rain in the desert but it will still be a desert.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

At least the rain in my desert is fantastic. Just wish it rained more often ??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Okguy said:


> At least the rain in my desert is fantastic. Just wish it rained more often ??


Ecosystems have parameters for sustainability. You've got a sexual desert ecosystem, and you'll never get enough rain to change it to grasslands - much less a forest.


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

doobie said:


> A marriage without sex is a sham.


Isnt that the truth.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Some rain is better than none. If rain never comes it's time to move on.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Okguy said:


> Some rain is better than none. If rain never comes it's time to move on.


Yes, some is usually better than none, although none can be better than too little if refraining removes the disappointment of constant rejection.

Rather than try to survive in a desert or do without, I moved to a rainforest environment.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I see. At what cost emotionally and financially?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Knowing when it rains it pours is better than knowing it will never rain at all


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Okguy said:


> I see. At what cost emotionally and financially?


Which part? Giving up sex with my ex, or moving on? I'll answer both ...

After years of trying to improve our sex life and dealing with the frustration of constant rejection, I decided to give up sex. It was a bit rough at first, but it led to peace of mind and greater happiness.

With a clearer mind, I could see that I could be even happier if I were not in a bad marriage, so I divorced her. That led to even greater peace of mind and greater happiness. There was no emotional downside once the decision was made, although _reaching _the decision was painful for a while - but no more so than enduring a sexless marriage. Financially, it was also painful for a while - child support and another household to run did cut into all of our lifestyles. 

Once I left, I started dating, and had great frequent sex, and found a truly wonderful woman who is smarter, prettier, warmer, and sexier than my ex, and she is as sexually into me as I am into her. A huge win, in other words.

It was well worth the sacrifices to move on, and I would definitely say my ex was also happier once she adjusted.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

So u told your ex no more sex with her at all? Your age? What were the legal fees?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I didn't have to tell her no more sex. She almost never wanted sex anyway, and rarely initiated, so I think I turned her down once or twice in the two years before I left after making the decision.

That was 16 years ago, so I don't recall the costs - and yours will probably be very different than mine, depending on circumstances, how long it takes, state laws and standards, whether it's an amicable split or contentious, etc.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its very difficult to adjust - I never did. One serious suggestion though - stay away from boards like this. This last thing you need it so be reminded of how much better other people have it, and of how many women would do absolutely anything to get sex from their husbands. 




Okguy said:


> Richard much of what you say makes sense and I agree with. I am trying to adjust to infrequent sex but it ain't easy. Thank you for your input


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Yes but things change. We used to have a lot more sex but it is less frequent now. So be careful if you divorce as the same thing may happen down the road.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Thanks again Richard


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Okguy said:


> Knowing when it rains it pours is better than knowing it will never rain at all


This might as well be okguy's post now.

Does your wife realize that you are unhappy with the amount of sex that you two are having?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Yes Buddy. She does. If u read the thread you will understand. Thanks


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Okguy said:


> Yes but things change. We used to have a lot more sex but it is less frequent now. So be careful if you divorce as the same thing may happen down the road.


Ah! I see your problem: You're a pessimist, not an optimist or realist.

The reality is that things usually get worse when they've started in that direction. This is what you've experienced - less sex now than in the past, and it will probably decline further in the future.

Yes, divorcing and moving to a new relationship may eventually have the same result - there are posters here who experienced that. Of course, you don't have re remarry, so you'd have the option of moving on easily. Or, you may learn to choose better next time, and greatly lessen the chances of getting into a deteriorating relationship. 

I did the latter, after taking a lot of time before remarrying so as to have a high level of confidence in the sustainability of the relationship. In _each _of the first five years, we had more sex than in the _entire _20+ years of my prior relationship, and even though we've slowed a little in the past 15 years, we're still about daily or better. Besides great sex, we're highly compatible and deeply in love. YMMV.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Good for you. Still a big risk.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Choose better??? How do you determine the future?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Okguy said:


> Yes Buddy. She does. If u read the thread you will understand. Thanks


Then question you should ask yourself is:

"Why doesn't my wife care about my happiness?"


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

It's the sexual area that is the issue. Everything else is fine.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Okguy said:


> Once a month is not fine for me. But I am tired of arguing for more and I love her for more than sex.


Why are you arguing about it?

And why do you love a woman who isn't interested in your happiness?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

We are arguing because I want more


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Okguy said:


> My point is that I don't know what to do to get more sex. I am obviously not happy with it but I am at a loss with how to change it.


Tell her "You seem to really enjoy sex when we do have it. I am having a problem with once a month. How about we have sex once a week?"

Answer me as if YOU are your wife. I will be you.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Okguy said:


> It's the sexual area that is the issue. Everything else is fine.


But, if she was a loving wife and she knew that you were unhappy, wouldn't you expect her to do something about it?

If she was unhappy and you could do something to make it better, would you do it? Why wouldn't she?

Is it possible that she really is unaware of just how unhappy you are? After an argument, it probably all blows over and returns to normal. Maybe that makes her think that it's not really that big a deal for you?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Okguy said:


> We are arguing because I want more


Has arguing worked? Doesn't look that way. Time to try something else or just accept it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Okguy said:


> Choose better??? How do you determine the future?


Seriously? You don't think YOU have any influence on the direction of your life? You can't determine the future, but you can sure stack the odds in your favor!

And isn't that what you're hoping to do by asking for advice here? If it's hopeless and you have NO control or influence, then why bother?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Buddy believe me she knows.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Okguy said:


> Buddy believe me she knows.


So she knows that you're unhappy and just doesn't care?

Is that the kind of person you should be in love with?

Is that the kind of person that you should strive to make happy?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I fell in love with her 25 years ago and not just for the sex.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I can answer for my wife: "I want to but i am [so tired, I've been sleeping so badly ... tears], [I just have so much to do], [I can't sleep after sex], [I'm feeling poorly], [but we can have sex anytime we are in Venice and I want to see it], [how did it get so late], [I'm sore from last time], [we have chore xyz that has to be done].

What these and all others mean is "I normally don't have any interest in sex. I no more desire sex with you than you would desire it with another man - no matter how much you liked him". "every now and then I do feel like it so I initiate". coupled with "I know you want sex, but really it isn't that important - you want it sort of the way I might want dessert. We're not teenagers anymore normal couples rarely have sex. "










UMP said:


> Tell her "You seem to really enjoy sex when we do have it. I am having a problem with once a month. How about we have sex once a week?"
> 
> Answer me as if YOU are your wife. I will be you.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Okguy said:


> I fell in love with her 25 years ago and not just for the sex.


Of course you did/do! You act like someone stole her vagina or something. You're not asking for the moon, just sex more than once a month.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I can answer for my wife: "I want to but i am [so tired, I've been sleeping so badly ... tears], [I just have so much to do], [I can't sleep after sex], [I'm feeling poorly], [but we can have sex anytime we are in Venice and I want to see it], [how did it get so late], [I'm sore from last time], [we have chore xyz that has to be done].
> 
> What these and all others mean is "I normally don't have any interest in sex. I no more desire sex with you than you would desire it with another man - no matter how much you liked him". "every now and then I do feel like it so I initiate". coupled with "I know you want sex, but really it isn't that important - you want it sort of the way I might want dessert. We're not teenagers anymore normal couples rarely have sex. "


"You're not my wife honey." :grin2:

Lookin for okguy to answer as his wife.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I agree ump


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

My wife has said similar things.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Okguy said:


> I fell in love with her 25 years ago and not just for the sex.


Then everything must be ok. No problems.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Sadly that is not true.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Okguy said:


> Sadly that is not true.


Maybe your wife thinks you're too phlegmatic.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

She is mistaken then


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

She just has a much lower sex drive than me.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

OKGuy,

Have you asked her "since you aren't interested in meeting me halfway in the sex department, would you be ok with me getting those needs met elsewhere?" I am guessing not.

For you, I would suggest you read the MMSLP and then the Mindful Attraction Plan by Athol Kay...and start there. Follow the recommendations and get the ball rolling.

Or not, and do exactly what you are doing, and get what you're getting. You can't talk her into having more sex with you. She will have to come to that decision herself...or not and risk losing you.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I know what her answer would be to that question. I will check out those resources. I already know I can't talk her into more sex. Thanks for your suggestions. I appreciate it


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Okguy said:


> I know what her answer would be to that question.


Oh yeah? What is that? 

At the next rejection, why don't you find out for real and get back to us.

And, keep in mind, whether it is something you are actually considering or not, just asking the question will have an impact.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

We're doing it tonight. Go figure!


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

@Okguy, I was in 28 year marriage that was technically sexless for the last 25 years. By technically sexless I mean 4 to 6 times per year, with occasional loooonger dry spells. I was sexually starving and my husband knew it, just as your wife knows you are.

I did everything I could think of to remedy the situation (much like @doobie), all with no results and no clue as to why he “went off sex” or what was “wrong with me”. I left him 13 months ago, he knew I was leaving and why because I told him months in advance of me moving out.

Guess what? Now, NOW (!) he says that he thinks I am the sexiest woman alive, wants to have sex with me all the time and to please come back home. I am not buying it, it’s too late and I have zero regrets.

Please don't wait too long to start living again.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Red Sonja said:


> @Okguy, I was in 28 year marriage that was technically sexless for the last 25 years. By technically sexless I mean 4 to 6 times per year, with occasional loooonger dry spells. I was sexually starving and my husband knew it, just as your wife knows you are.
> 
> I did everything I could think of to remedy the situation (much like @doobie), all with no results and no clue as to why he “went off sex” or what was “wrong with me”. I left him 13 months ago, he knew I was leaving and why because I told him months in advance of me moving out.
> 
> ...


I can only agree with RedSonja and say don't wait too long. 

I left on Wednesday (had been threatening to for a year) - he begged me to stay - tears were rolling down his cheeks as I left, he swears he loves me and wants me but actions speak louder than words. On the past four Friday nights he has been going out with friends on the pull. He has sexually harassed two women, one in front of my best friend (who told me about it later and then found out what happened on the nights she didn't join him and his male friend. The following Friday he tried to persuade his friend to club together to offer the barmaid $300 to have sex with both of them! He has also told this friend of ours that during the first year of our marriage we used to take young couples home with us to have group sex (only found out about this last night) which is an outright lie.

I'm being friendly towards him and keeping everything sweet right now as I don't yet have an internet connection at my new place and need to come back to work online (I'm a freelance writer). The internet should be connected during the next week so I will get all of my tech out of his house and into my new one, then I won't need to bite my tongue when speaking to him and listening to his lies. Over the past couple of weeks I've caught him out in so many lies and realised that our marriage didn't have any chance of working right from the start as he's been so untruthful and false with me.

Get out now OP and start living the rest of your life the way you want to.


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