# Wife wants divorce, I want to fix it



## mlacourse7 (May 12, 2017)

My wife and I have know each other for 7 years, been married for almost 3. She just dropped the divorce bomb after she too said she doesn't feel loved. I am shocked because I do about 90% of the workload with the kids, and tried to give her the romantic type relationship and show her more love and affection. She said she does not feel she is getting enough emotional connection during sex as well. I have been absolutely shattered these last 8 weeks and can barely get through a work day without stress. I have tried to do things like lost weight (lost 50 pounds) and give her more affection. She since then (and always has) gives hot and cold responses to my attempts to love her. Everyone including her family says I deserver better and she may be an emotionally abusive person. I do love her with all of my heart and want my family to be complete. She since then has blocked me on facebook, but still calls me everyday for venting, and since then has said we will remain friends, even though nothing has changed in living situations and my workload, and sleeping in different rooms. She still likes to give me hugs in the morning in which I attempt to kiss her a lot and she pulls away. I want to do all the things to make her feel loved, and I think a lot of traumatic life events have changed the way she lets herself feel love. Will sticking this out give her the opportunity to see I have been here all along and am willing to work on my flaws?

I feel a since of resentment because I feel I am being used, but I cant help but love her anyway and want to try to change her mind. I constantly get let down and yelled at, and all of our conversations go back into the way that she felt during our marraige, and my feelings only upset her. She has a fairytale expectation of what love is, but I am willing to do everything I can to give it to her, but she wont take it. She has since then been involved in emotional affairs, and seeking justification with people that only want to hang out, and not really take care of what she needs in a person. 

She also does not clean up after herself, and is very selfish when it comes to how the kids will be affected in this divorce. I am constantly carrying the pain and sorrow of this situation and I want nothing more to restore her love in me. She also said things like shes not physically attracted to me anymore. 

The story of it is, nothing has changed, other than the fact that we arent having sex, and are not sleeping together or showing romanticism. I also forgot to mention the kids are not biologically mine. I opened my arms to loving them because they were a part of her, and I am very emotionally invested in their lives. 

PLEASE HELP, what do I do to repair this marriage. I have prayed, lost weight, tried to talk and understand her feelings. WHAT CAN I DO?

Thank you everyone.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

The first response to this kind of behaviour is normally "Could she be seeing someone else ? Has she found someone else ?"

Look for the ILYBNILWY speech and also check her phone, email and messaging apps to see if she is contacting anyone outside of the normal or ordinary.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm guessing she found another guy. The majority of women don't end a marriage just to go be single. You need to find out what you're up against and break up their little party. Do you have access to her phone bill? That's the first step. If you don't, you have to put a VAR (voice recorder) and a GPS tracker in her car. You'll be able to hear all her phone conversations and see exactly where she's going real time. If you really want to fight for this marriage, see who's seeing. It's usually someone at work, a co-worker or superior. Get her phone and see what apps are actively running. She may be using Kik or WhatsApp to text to avoid detection on the phone bills. 

Lastly, you need to start detaching. You look as weak in her eyes with you begging for scraps. Continue working out and eating healthy. Start working on yourself, with the outlook that you'll be single soon. 

I'm sorry you are here.


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## mlacourse7 (May 12, 2017)

Well even if she did find someone else she said shed be honest with me. Lets face it though with this new job shes working a lot, and getting calls from all her employees all the time. Its a 24-7 shop that she is the GM of. I have drove by and made sure she is there many times. Spying on her doesnt help though. 

The fact of the matter is even if she had to take care of her kids 50% of the time, she still wouldnt have time for a healthy sustainable relationship. Is someone else going to come in and take care of her kids while she works all the time? Are they going to make her feel loved when they arent getting anything out of it? Are her kids going to cozy up to someone else when I raised them for half of their lives??

I just dont see it, maybe she will hit a mental block and realize ive been here all along?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Why did she block you on facebook? Can you see her profile from a friend's? 

I still think she bonded with someone at her new job. I'd be sitting outside her office at night with some binoculars and watching.

You're new here. We see this daily. This is how it all starts. The BS (betrayed spouse) is blindsided and never thought the partner was capable of having an affair).


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Call her on it. Agree to the divorce and outline what you think will happen. Draw up a list of assets and how they will be split. Download divorce papers and fill them out. Suggest she start looking for apartments and you do the same. This is what it took to snap my wife out the the divorce phase and back into marriage counseling.

BTW - if she does snap out of it, only agree if she goes to marriage counseling with you.


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## mlacourse7 (May 12, 2017)

What happens if I did call her on it?

We keep going into this never ending conversation of how she felt and how shes stressed from work (which is true they work her too much for a lousy 50 stacks a year). 

It just starts these stupid ass arguements. Ive dropped the health insurance card, all that ****. And it just doesnt seem to register to her that this is what she wanted.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

mlacourse7 said:


> What happens if I did call her on it?
> 
> We keep going into this never ending conversation of how she felt and how shes stressed from work (which is true they work her too much for a lousy 50 stacks a year).
> 
> It just starts these stupid ass arguements. Ive dropped the health insurance card, all that ****. And it just doesnt seem to register to her that this is what she wanted.


sounds like she is in the affair fog. If you start with the assumption she may have a boy toy, you would need to assume she is lying to you, as cheaters lie. Read some of the stories on CWI. Most BH (betrayed husbands) start out right where you are now.


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## mlacourse7 (May 12, 2017)

Who knows, I checked the phone logs. I also think she wouldnt cheat because shes losing everything if she does. She knows im smarter than that. I would be able to tell if there is another person. 

Deep down she knows I will leave her ass with those two kids if she cheated on me. Also, my friendship is too important to her at this point too. Even if its not a love thing she NEEDS me for those kids.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

mlacourse7 said:


> What happens if I did call her on it?
> 
> We keep going into this never ending conversation of how she felt and how shes stressed from work (which is true they work her too much for a lousy 50 stacks a year).
> 
> It just starts these stupid ass arguements. Ive dropped the health insurance card, all that ****. And it just doesnt seem to register to her that this is what she wanted.


"Which is exactly why I am setting you free."

Always give defiant people what they want. It rarely works out the way they expect.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

mlacourse7 said:


> Who knows, I checked the phone logs. I also think she wouldnt cheat because shes losing everything if she does. She knows im smarter than that. I would be able to tell if there is another person.


Are you? From my vantage point, she seems to have you right where she wants you.



mlacourse7 said:


> Deep down she knows I will leave her ass with those two kids if she cheated on me.


Really? Then why are you here talking about how to fix it rather than leaving.

No offense, OP, but I smell a bluff. If I can sense it on an internet forum, I would bet money she can sense it in person.

Never...ever...ever play brinkmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

mlacourse7 said:


> Who knows, I checked the phone logs. I also think she wouldnt cheat because shes losing everything if she does. She knows im smarter than that. I would be able to tell if there is another person.
> 
> Deep down she knows I will leave her ass with those two kids if she cheated on me. Also, my friendship is too important to her at this point too. Even if its not a love thing she NEEDS me for those kids.


I hope you aren't insinuating you are going to leave your kids if she cheated on you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

One of both of you may need a reality hit. I suggest you file for divorce, and move out. Then figure out a custody arrangement for the time being, and see what happens. If you're really putting in so much effort into the relationship and she doesn't appreciate it, it will become glaringly obvious to her that she's been unreasonable. It still may not change how she feels, but at least she'll see what she's facing on her own.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Could you give some more details about the references to "how she felt" and her fairytale expectations that you always argue about?
Also, you say you have recently made changes but it hasn't helped, she is still mad about how things were, is that correct?
What were the issues she had with you?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> Call her on it. Agree to the divorce and outline what you think will happen. Draw up a list of assets and how they will be split. Download divorce papers and fill them out. Suggest she start looking for apartments and you do the same. This is what it took to snap my wife out the the divorce phase and back into marriage counseling.
> 
> BTW - if she does snap out of it, only agree if she goes to marriage counseling with you.


Excellent advice.

Oh, and do the 180 on her. This is a behavior program that spouses use to get themselves free from the stress of a breakup.

The 180 also [sometimes] brings the walk-away or wayward spouse back. This rarely happens.

The 180 is to make your' life better. Any other good outcome is a plus.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

I see this over and over again in this forum and maybe it's true as a generalization, because I'm only sometimes here. I see men usually saying that a woman is cheating if she wants out and that women don't leave a marriage to be single. However that has not been my experience. I know many women who have left their marriages and I'm recently separated and none of them left because of another man. One left because her husband was cheating on her, however the common thread with myself and the women I know (who are largely independent successful women, financially and otherwise), stay in a marriage that is not working, they try to fix it, they start to lose confidence and wonder if it's their fault, they seek counselling, they try to communicate and when all that fails they throw up their arms in resignation, and often times stay in the marriage for too long, so by the time they say it's done, it's been done for a LONG LONG time already. The men these women have been married to are all different but share one common aspect. They are not able to communicate their feelings/needs and unwilling to seek help for it, they all were the types to completely shut down when anything serious in the relationship is discussed. The women decide there is more to life than trying to pull him into discussing something he clearly does not want to address, that they don't feel connected or loved in this and they leave.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am guessing that she knows you will not pull the trigger but will try and fix things if you ever did find out.

And this is not about her thinking rationally - she is busy in her job, I get that - but she is getting emotional support and ego kibbles from somebody at work or elsewhere and possibly more. It doesn't need a lot of time and it isn't a relationship that she needs to sustain - its her fix. You seem to be pretty sure (as did many who came here before you) but I would check just the same (to be sure).


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

She has been honest with you. She has emotionally left the marriage and has also stated her reasons. The love is gone and it will probably not come back. That is why you losing weight, romancing her and giving her more is not working. She IS Done!

You are a great babysitter by the way. Do you like that demotion? Do you like having a roommate that pays you nothing to take care of her kids? That is your role in that household by the way. How do you like your new status?

She may or may not have someone else, but she surely doesn't see you like a husband at all. What do you want to do about your new demotions?

Forget about saving the marriage, that ship has sailed. Let her know that you finally figured this out and you don't want a roomie, you want a wife. You don't want to be a babysitter, you want the loving dad title back. If she can't give you your place back, then you bow out of the demotion and will seek it elsewhere.

Wouldn't that be what you would do if you got demoted from a job? Wouldn't you tell them thanks but no thanks or take this demotion and shove it where the sun don't shine in all honesty. Not with those words of course, but the politically correct ones to match that feeling.

Time to see your new life for what it really is OP.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Since they are not your biological children, is she wanting them out of your life ? or is she threatening your love for them with all this?

You need to get out and start enjoying some things you like to do, don't be around the home to much. Tell her that she needs to find someone to watch the kids you are going out ( unless they are old enough to be home by themselves).

Try to give her a little taste of what it would be like if you were not around, I can tell you that something sure is going on and she is holding you back as plan B.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You guys are DONE, my friend. She wants out? GIVE IT TO HER! Go jihad on her ass and file the paperwork on her so fast it makes her head spin. STOP TALKING TO HER. You need to detach emotionally from her and do the 180.....HARD. She is using you. Show her what life is going to look like for her on her own without any help from you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So basically she wants you around as a friend who does so much for her, but not as a husband when she has to do things for you. Are you happy to be flat mates? Just friends? if you are that's fine, if you aren't then you have to act.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Well, I'm not really qualified to give any advice that should be taken with more than a grain of salt, but I am in a similar situation, so I can relate. My wife wants a divorce, and it's the last thing in the world I want. In one aspect, your wife is still talking to you, so I think you do have at least a channel to make the effort. Mine won't talk to me about anything at all that we don't absolutely have to. I'm afraid I've damaged her heart too severely. 

That being said, I wonder if you're doing yourself any favors by catering to her in this position. It seems like she is taking advantage of you. If you let someone take advantage of you, it has been my experience that they will continue to do so until you put a stop to it. After my wife left, I begged and pleaded for the first few days. On the advice that I have gotten here, I have worked hard to try and detach myself. I'm not going to lie, I'm not good at it. I've left her alone, but it's just so hard to give up hope that maybe something will change. 

I do have to say that I strongly disagree with people saying that you should put a tracker in her car, record her calls, or invade her privacy. Honestly, that seems pretty extreme. I would think these habits would not only hurt your chances of working things out, but do you really want to be with someone you have to sneak around and check up on? I would think it would be miserable to do that to yourself. I don't think she's going to have any sentimental moments if she thinks she's got you right where she wants you as a plan b. I have been trying to just focus on fixing me and being happy with the person I am. I think if we can pull that off, then we'll attract people who are more likely to be good partners for us. 

My wife was emotionally abusive in many ways, and it relates to her previous life experience as well. That being said, I became even more emotionally abusive, and I made things worse. It's hard when you love someone like that. I didn't know how to help my wife, but I wish now that I had looked for some professional advice on how to better help her with her problems. Maybe you should consider researching good ways to look at the traumatic experiences she had before, and try to see if there's something you could do different to support her in that aspect. Maybe that's your chance. Anyway, best of luck to you. I hope it turns out for the best.


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