# The Point of No Return?



## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Last week, I asked my H for a separation. It's been a long time in the making and I didn't give it up without a fight. Well H, however, says he wants to make it work. And I would want to make it work as well, if it were possible, but I'm really not sure that it is. Worse, right now on the heels of more of his BS, I don't really even WANT to. There's part of me that has started focusing on what life is going to be like when I don't live with him anymore. And it isn't fantasy stuff, just things like when I walk into the kitchen, the cabinet doors and drawers will be closed. You'd think I had poltergeist, but no, it's just my H.

And then there's the relationship-specific issues, like his lack of healthy boundaries and his defensiveness and his indifference to my issues in general, that make interacting with him in a healthy way nearly impossible for me even in the best of times.

So since I asked him for a separation, he's now in his typical over-drive 180 mode, like he is anytime after we've had a huge conflict. He's trying to convince me that it's different this time. He's reading up on defensiveness and boundaries and claims that he has really made great progress (in two days.) I look at the books he's reading -- two that he has had for years and has read before with no impact on his behavior -- and I just think, "Myeh." BTDT. 

I just can't get excited because we've been here so many times before. Our cycles of conflict are almost scripted. Like an annoying person sitting behind you in a movie, issuing spoilers for every scene, I can very accurately tell you what's going to happen next. For example, in this scenario, he'll turn on the steam until I "buy" his sales pitch of how this time it's going to be different, and as soon as I start investing in the M again, he'll drop his efforts and revert back to his norm. He is the least-changing individual I have ever met in my life.

And then there's the anger and resentment I would most likely feel if he actually DID change this time. His behavior over the years has made my life hell, has put our M in free-fall, and he knew it. He always claimed he was working on my complaints, always claimed he was doing his "dead-level best." So then why would he suddenly be capable of addressing those issues when it's the end of our M? My answer to that question doesn't endear him to me at all.

Of course, the first hurdle is believing the change is really going to happen, the second being my resentment if he did. But even if I got past those, I think the biggest hurdle is the internal form of self-protection reflex that I've developed from the previous years of conflict. It's almost a mini PTSD reaction (not to minimize the real thing, of course.) But I relate it to a bad experience I had with a Baby Ruth candy bar years ago. The details are irrelevant, but the experience resulted in it being over a decade before I could even consider eating another one. So even though I could "intellectually" rationalize that it wasn't likely to happen again, the thought would still make me physically nauseous. When I think about reconciling with my H, I can feel a bio-physical flight reaction (fight vs. flight) in response to the mere thought of it. How the heck do I get over that????

A MC told us years ago that women reach a point when they're just "done." I can completely relate to that. I guess I always thought it was an intellectual decision. Now I'm beginning to feel like it's actually a physical/mental limitation, and the decision is made for us by our sub-conscious.

Can anyone else relate to this?


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## stupidman (Jul 24, 2014)

I am sorry that you are here and for what you are going through. I do hope that the MC was wrong about woman just reaching a point where they are "done". If that is the case then I guess it is probably too late for my wife and I. If you don't mind me asking, did he do something specifically wrong or is it that you just don't like his personality anymore? If it is the later, is it something he exhibited when you were first married? While I can't relate per se your post struck a chord with me. It makes me wonder if my wife came here to post if her story would be a lot like yours? Maybe the details of what lead to your resentment are in another post. I am just wondering if he did something specific to you or if you just grew apart.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your post is so general that it's not clear what the problem is except that you don't like your husband, he will not turn into the person you want him to be and so you are done. I wish that the worst problem in had in my marriages was that he left he kitchen cabinets and doors open.

Now your problems might be more serious that that but you don't share that. All you really shared is the kitchen thing and that he won't become who you want him to be.

Only you know what your problems are. And you say that you are done. So if you are this unhappy, why don't you leave him?

.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

stupidman said:


> I am sorry that you are here and for what you are going through. I do hope that the MC was wrong about woman just reaching a point where they are "done". If that is the case then I guess it is probably too late for my wife and I. If you don't mind me asking, did he do something specifically wrong or is it that you just don't like his personality anymore? If it is the later, is it something he exhibited when you were first married? While I can't relate per se your post struck a chord with me. It makes me wonder if my wife came here to post if her story would be a lot like yours? Maybe the details of what lead to your resentment are in another post. I am just wondering if he did something specific to you or if you just grew apart.


SM, ours was not a specific thing, nor did we just grow apart. It was more of a systematic tearing down of our relationship. There were lots of specific things, just not one that is the sole reason. I didn't go into specifics about our problems because I've been talking about our problems for 15 years. If I received a Fedex special delivery with a note from God Himself with the answer to each of our problems written in gold in His very own handwriting (hypothetically, of course), but H didn't implement it because "change is hard," why keep talking about it? Believe me, the worst problem is not the kitchen cabinets, I only mentioned it because it's sad how little it will take to make me happy when he's no longer here.

EleGirl, I asked for a separation. We're working out the details now but H is resisting. He wants to reconcile and I just feel dead about it. I'm not angry or vindictive, there is no one else, and I'm not imagining that life will be all rosy on the other side. I'm just weary. I'm just numb. Even imagining him as a considerate, honest, loving partner that I've always wanted doesn't inspire anything in me. It's like he's a complete stranger and there's just nothing there.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Perhaps I should have posted this in "Reconciliation." I'm just wondering how someone turns it around. It's one thing if you're having a fling and the AP dumps you and then suddenly you realize how good you had it. Or if it was your partner that wanted the D and you never did. But how does someone that's simply "done" become "undone?" My reasons for it are obvious -- my vows, my son, friends and family, even financial. But sticking it out for those reasons when the love and affection is dead? I can't believe that's what reconciled marriages are defined by. 

How does someone become "undead?"


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## stupidman (Jul 24, 2014)

DaytoDay said:


> But how does someone that's simply "done" become "undone?"


I don't know but I hope it is possible. There have been times in my relationship that I thought I could be happier somewhere else. My wife admits the same thing. For me, it has never been more of a passing thought. Not sure about her. The thing is, how do you know the grass will be greener on the other side. What if you meet another man and things are great for a while but then he starts beating you, or verbally abusing you, or is generally even less attentive to your needs than your current husband? 

I think every long term marriage is going to have it's ups and downs. When it is down, it is easy to think about the grass on the other side but if you have a good thing when it is up why not work harder to make sure there are more ups then downs?


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