# daddy issues??



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

do you guys find that your relationship with your dad affects your relationship with your man? 

my dad and i havent been close since i was 14. i cant say for sure, but i think it was because my first real boyfriend was black. although.. it could have been just because he didnt like me. who knows??

anyway.. since i was 14 my dad and i had only spoken on birthdays and holidays where it was required. it was "happy birthday" and that was literally it. we lived in the same house ignoring eachother until my parents divorced and i got married and moved out 2 years ago. when my hubs used to pick me up he was so weirded out that my dad and i NEVER spoke. like.. EVER. 

its not often, but sometimes he uses my relationship with my dad as a weapon. "oh, you want me to be like your dad?" granted, my dad is a HUGE loser who prays on sugar mamas so he doesnt have to work and he's as smart as a bag of rocks.. but is that my fault? i think it freaks my hubs out because i hate my dad SO MUCH. apparently there's supposed to be unconditional love for fathers... even if they're gigantic tools? i think because i have such a strong hatred for someone i'm supposed to love that the same could happen to him. like one day i'll just wake up and start hating him. 

i dont speak to my dad at all. i dont even think about him unless there's a trigger.. like a song.. or something about infidelity. i dont care whether he lives or dies.. and that totally freaks my hubs out. 

any thoughts?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I haven't spoken to my dad in 13 years. But yes it absolutely affected my marriage but not in the way you would think. I became my dad and married someone like my mother. Not as toxic but still the dynamic still existed. Took therapy to stop it.

I'm also like my husbands father and he's like his mother. Similar dynamic all the way around.

Controlling, angry woman marries passive, conflict avoidant man. Marital problems soon follow.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

My dad was married with grown ass kids (like 30) and he's 20 years older than my mom. 

My mom "dated" him for prob 10 years. She had 2 kids with him. His wife knew me and I saw her a few times when I was younger. 

I saw my dad until I was 5 then when I was 10. I didn't even know he passed. I called him to tell him I had a baby...come to find out he passed a year before. 

His wife told me. I just stammered oh ok and said thank you and hung up. I was almost 17. 

Daddy issues are a fvcked up thing. I once met my dads other baby momma and her 8/9 year old, I was about to be 11. 

I have quite a few half brothers and sisters. None of us know each other. And the kids that my dad had with his wife want nothing to do with any of us. 

My mom was a single mom, my dad had full legal custody of my brother, and she totally made me her world. 

My husband had no idea of the chuck full of nuts he was getting into.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

mavash... your parents sound JUST like mine! i wouldnt call my mom angry, but i'd call her controlling. i'm TERRIFIED to be like either one of them. 

pandakiss.. proud of you for getting through all that dad drama.. your dad seems like a mess too! hopefully it didnt affect your relationship at all!! 

hope yall are having a fun holiday weekend!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Yea got through it. Almost cost me everything. I had 2 EA's and my guy walked. I had some time to reflect on things, got my head outta my ass, told him what was up, he took me back. 

We had transparency and some other things. Learned from the good folks here on tam I had cheated. Owned up and confessed using the word cheat. 

It's been over 18 years since.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I think my daddy issues lead to me being incredibly detached, and not "needing" of a man to do anything for me.

Really the "daddy" slot in my life is gone, and serves no purpose for me. BUT I haven't seen my dad but once when I was 17, and when I turned 10 he sent me a birthday card...it had been almost my entire life before then.

He also has 13 kids, and its sad, because we recently found each other on facebook, but I'm like I said, detached. 

It definitely affects my relationships, I come off as cold and stand offish, un-affectionate, and like my ex said "incapable of love" I don't seek attention much, don't need cuddly wuddly time, and I'm the one that rolls over to go to sleep after sex, instead of the one who wants to snuggle.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

clucas... i'm not really a cuddle person at all... but i dunno that its because of my dad. i can be really chipku (Urdu/hindi for clingy/sticky) sometimes tho.. to the point where he's like "get off me".. but it doesnt have anything to do with sex... or my dad. 

my mom is overly chipku.. maybe that's why i'm not really cuddly. i remember it annoying me. but i think it's a good thing overall. i hope you become more comfortable with it. you're not "incapable of love" ... just gotta find the right guy! he'll break you down, just like mine did!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> You're all over the place in the OP.
> 
> You first start off as if it's your Dad who doesn't like you then you switch to how much you hate your Dad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Hey, it bes like dat sometime. 

It's still "dad". But when they don't give 2 sh!ts about you...it's a thin line. 

For me it's been a long time and my thoughts and feelings went from love to hate to tolerance to acceptance to eventually indifference. 

It's still someone of whom you are half of.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> You're all over the place in the OP.
> 
> You first start off as if it's your Dad who doesn't like you then you switch to how much you hate your Dad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


how is that all over the place? would you like someone who didnt like you?? maybe i'm misunderstanding. if someone expresses distaste for you... wouldnt you express the same emotion towards them? why would you force yourself on someone who obviously doesnt like you? 

my mom used to beg me, "please dont hate your dad.. i made that mistake and i regret every minute of it"... but i'm not gonna force a relationship.. especially with someone who doesnt want one with me. isnt it up to the elder to be the bigger person?


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

cory275 said:


> clucas... i'm not really a cuddle person at all... but i dunno that its because of my dad. i can be really chipku (Urdu/hindi for clingy/sticky) sometimes tho.. to the point where he's like "get off me".. but it doesnt have anything to do with sex... or my dad.
> 
> my mom is overly chipku.. maybe that's why i'm not really cuddly. i remember it annoying me. but i think it's a good thing overall. i hope you become more comfortable with it. you're not "incapable of love" ... just gotta find the right guy! he'll break you down, just like mine did!


nah.

I'm quite content as I am, and I really don't need another man on a mission to break me down. 

lived that already, had that glory, wear that t-shirt. I'd rather just have someone love me how I am.

The detachment thing is really more how detached I seem from most relationships. Most people can't read me, including my mother and I really have little use for a leading male role in my life, which is daddy related. Also one of the biggest issues with my ex, since he felt he was supposed to be my "leader"


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

other perspective over here

my dad is the nicest, cleverest, kindest, most decent man I know. I'm very, very lucky to have him. 

unfortunately I grew up with the expectation that all men were like that - boy how wrong I was...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I had the opposite problem. Both my parents suck so I thought all people were heartless and mean. Sure I married a nice guy but all the while I kept waiting for him to morph and show me his true mean self.

20 years later and I'm still waiting. LOL


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

I agree that your relationship with your dad does have a big effect on your relationships with men. My dad is an amazing man. He's had the same 9-5 career for over 40 years, volunteers at the church, fixes everything in the house himself. He's a quiet guy, but a good listener and a real softie. He and my mom are also taking care of their 3 very young grandchildren. He's not been perfect; he drank for 20 yrs, cannot communicate very well and sometimes works too much.
Anyway, I ended up with very high expectations for a man. I just happened to end up very lucky. My dad and my husband have a lot in common.


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