# How do you deal with temptations or even "fetishes" as a married person?



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

o... I love my husband. We have been married close to 6 years and have come through alot to get where we se. We are in a good place. Our sex life seems on track after some health.struggles. Soon we will be starting a family. 

Now there are a few things I could never tell him, 1 because i'm embarrassed and 2 because it might hurt him or cause him to feel uneasy. ..

I am a faithful wife, but I find that I have a "thing" for certain "types" of men. I am embarrassed to even.specify what they are. My husband fits neither category. 

I do my best to not think about it because I think if I let my mind wander, it could prove destructive.to my marriage. When I find myself around these.particular "types", I act normal and if I find them too attractive I avoid them. But my mind does.go in that direction, with them and my husband blissfully unaware. 

Well, last night I had a dream (one of THOSE dreams) and it was not helpful. Okay, so I have a thing for cops lol. that's one of the "types". I guess you could call it a fetishes. I don't know.why.or where it came from. It's just there. I had to deal with.cops this week because of crim neighbours who were causing issues. I wasn't really thinking that way.too much until my dream. After my night dean came.day dreams and I feel bad that i'm.even.thinking like.this. 

I may as well fess up and say.what the other one is. Well, it's men of a particular race. and that one can.be strong.sometimes, borderline obsessive, but again I never.act on that.and in fact avoid any.man I find outrageously attractive. 

I Think my fear is that I may feel tempted to cheat on my husband. 

I'm really glad I can share this here. This forum has been so helpful in my marriage
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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

*Re: How do you deal with temptations or even "fetishes" as a married person?*

I have a "thing" for heavily muscled guys like Vin Diesel. Or fit army uniformed guys in RL. I like to look at them. The strong black dominant dude included. Discreetly. We all have our fantasies. It's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. 

I think both sexes do these things --- we may have private time in which we satisfy our fantasies. It's not something we would even want to do with our spouses, due to respect. Chances are your husband also has his secret fantasies, which he might not share with you out of respect for you as a woman. 

On the flip side of this, was a theory that if both abstain from self-love, they are eventually drawn to sharing those fantasies with their spouse, and sharing their whole sexual self, the good the bad and the ugly. 

Self-love and the availability of sexual materials makes it possible for us to have two separate sexual identities. 

Either way works. Seems kinda normal to me, if you are willing to maybe just accept that's how it is.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

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Tell your husband now before you have children. Sex and attraction are always more difficult after having kids. If your fantasies are as strong now as you say they are, there is a very good chance that you will find them near impossible to resist once your marriage comes under the strain of a young family.

He deserves to know what he is getting into. If you already have to run from such men to avoid succumbing to temptation, what are the odds that you will be able to resist when you are more vulnerable and one of these men actually pursues you?
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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

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Do you think your husband would feel threatened, or that it would be a blow to his ego to know that you have fetishes that don't fit his type? I ask because I don't otherwise see the harm in telling him. Depending on the sort of person he is (is he generally confident in himself and your marriage, or he full of doubt? Does he have strong independent interests, or does he rely on you disproportionately for company?) you could find a way to introduce the topic. For example, if you have an open and adventurous sex life, would he be willing to role play? Bust you and cuff you? I actually think the race attraction is a little trickier; could you reduce that attraction to more of a type that you could describe to him for use in a situation for role play?

I think men handle this sort of thing differently, and it also can depend on your marital history. How much trust you have, if there is a history of intimacy problems or infidelity, what is ok or not okay according to one's religious beliefs. 

But of course what you feel is normal--a healthy sex drive means you can be attracted to a wide variety of things, and those things might even change over time. You husband can't be all things to you in this way, but that doesn't mean he can't be included at all. Just be careful that your desire doesn't become ONLY or MOSTLY about your "other man type" fetishes. Your husband has to now that there is a place for him and only him in your catalog of kink.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

*Re: How do you deal with temptations or even "fetishes" as a married person?*

The thing that worries me about your post is that you feel like you could act on it. That these "fantasies" are strong you cannot even look at the person?!! 

I have had a temptation so strong I swear the man could smell my pheromones a mile away. I even drove home feeling guilty like I cheated even though all I did was stare at the man. (Military BTW)

I didn't tell my H. Why would I? It happened once, never seen the guy again and it was nothing more than girly childhood crush. The moment came and went. No harm....just lots of good dreams.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

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Don't get me wrong. I am definitely attracted to my husband. We are not at it like rabbits but we're more frequent than we were and things are good.

I am not on the verge of cheating on him, it just scares me that I go crazy over other men. It scares me that my mind goes in that direction when i'm around them. No one would ever know because I choose to behave normally and not stare or be weird. I generally get by okay, but if I am feeling in dangerous territory I will avoid that person. 

With the cop thing, it could be the authority /dominance thing about the uniform or maybe a sense of danger.

As for the "men of certain race" thing, no idea what that's about, it's just there. Maybe it's that sense of encounter with someone who's different to me, if I have to guess.

me and hubby are pretty straighty 180 though. Not boring, but not into anything like roleplaying etc. I would feel weird asking him to, like as if I want him to pretend to be someone else. 

I worry about what I would do if I felt outrageously attracted to a stranger in one of these categories and my mind was there and if they made a bold move. I don't know if I would flee or freeze.
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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

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Tracy, I can relate to the military thing
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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

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GettingIt, the cuff thing... nah, wouldn't be intobit. I don't have.blow by blow fantasies, never thought about cuffs or much that would be classed as BDSM. I think it's mostly the uniform. 
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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

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LOL at the uniforms!
I took my neices to see the Snowbirds near the base. I got busted by my older neice.... everyone else had walked away, and there I was standing by the fence, just... admiring. The military guys. She made fun of me, of course. That's what 10 yr olds do best!


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

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I don't think you have much to worry about as long as you stay in control of your actions. The chances of that military man ever coming over to me and whisking me away into sensual bliss is pretty much nil. Lol. 

I say keep the imagination going and the sheets hot at home. Enjoy.
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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

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Quietsoul....first off, your husband likely is strongly attracted to women who aren't like you, too. So really it isn't unusual. Most men are attracted to a lot of varieties of women, and for all you know he struggles to not have strong sexual feelings toward a certain type of woman when he's right next to you, too. All I'm trying to say with this is that what you are describing are normal lustful feelings. It is actually great to have feelings like that, because it makes you know that you are a truly sexual being. Your husband probably likes that lusty feeling too, like most men.

As for the race thing...why can't you share this with your H in the form of watching some porn together. He may enjoy the same, if you haven't discussed it with him or watched specific porn with him, why not?

As for the cop thing...that one is easy, just dress him up like a cop and have him handcuff you to the bed. Problem solved.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

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The reason it's a problem is that she doubts her own ability to remain failful long term. I'm attracted to many types of female, but I have never found one so attractive that I was concerned I would lose control. I've never had to actively avoid women I was attracted to.

Right now it's fine because they don't have children. Once the strain of a child starts to stress the relationship, the real test will come. If she is doubting herself now, I fear that she will fail this test miserably.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

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But she is aware of her temptation and is already taking the initiative to minimize it by avoiding the person. To me that says she knows her limits and is in control.
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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

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There comes a time in everyone's life when they realize they didn't get to have all the types of sex and sex partners they wanted to. And everyone doesn't cheat upon this realization. It is just a reality for all of us.

Lusty feelings are good. But Quietsoul feels like her lusty feelings are going to over rule her mind and take over her body. That can be a scary feeling. It is managed over time though, with deliberate effort. I can now be true to my real lustful thoughts (even when they are not about my husband) without feeling my body will burst open if I can't follow those desires. It is just something you learn as you sexually mature.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

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You deal with these temptations by being an adult and using self-control. We all have "fantasies" of some sort or another. Acting on them is what immature people do. If you are a mature adult, then you can have thoughts in your head without acting on them.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

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Bbdad, I am a mature adult, I just don't believe I can let these thoughts run wild and not be compromised should I be near someone I feel attracted to in this way. I think that's wisdom, knowing my own weakness and not wanting to test my own strength.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

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QuietSoul said:


> me and hubby are pretty straighty 180 though. Not boring, but not into anything like roleplaying etc. I would feel weird asking him to, like as if I want him to pretend to be someone else.


Why not start doing some role play for him? Just some small things. Then at some point offer to play cop and a very bad/naughty woman who he tries to arrest but it all ends up .. well seductive? Introduce it very slowly.



QuietSoul said:


> I worry about what I would do if I felt outrageously attracted to a stranger in one of these categories and my mind was there and if they made a bold move. I don't know if I would flee or freeze.


You might want to take a close look at what attracts you to guys like cops. I doubt it's the uniform. It's most likely your perception that they have power and strength. Is this something that is missing in your husband?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

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I told my girl that I had a thing for strippers. As in girls with huge heels, sl*tty make up, with a corset top and to be teased. She does it all the time now, perfectly. I also have tons of others that she does for me

She has a thing for vampires (I'll spike my hair, put in colored contacts with fangs and bite her neck) - its drives her insane lol. And she has others I do for her.

Marriage involves communication


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## Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand (Sep 16, 2013)

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I completely agree with the last two replies. You should just tell him, I think that you'll be surprised by how willing and probably excited he will be to help figure out a way to fulfill your fantasies/fetishes. I've definitely done things like that, and it always turned out great.

The best thing to do is be totally open and honest with him. If you've never given him a reason to think you would cheat then I highly doubt that his mind would wander that way. And when you bring it up to him, bring it up alongside the idea of roleplaying/spicing up the sex life.


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## Huzzah (Sep 11, 2013)

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QuietSoul said:


> o... I love my husband. We have been married close to 6 years and have come through alot to get where we se. We are in a good place. Our sex life seems on track after some health.struggles. Soon we will be starting a family.
> 
> Now there are a few things I could never tell him, 1 because i'm embarrassed and 2 because it might hurt him or cause him to feel uneasy. ..
> 
> ...


As a man who has and continues to work in the law enforcement world, I should tell you I hope your fantasy is that you want to feel secure. Most cops I know are not worth fantasizing over. Just like most nurses are not worth me fantasizing over regardless of how they make those pants look or the fact that I wish they could make me well. My wife knows that I find hispanic females attractive yet she is blonde with blue eyes. There will always be people you will be attracted to this is normal, however idle time is the devil's playground and I speak from experience in that regard. I had females who found me real attractive due to my job title and when I had time on my hands I thought of what I could do with those females, and believe me I did not mistake them for ladies.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

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Whoa... They even make sexy comments! LMAO!!
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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

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I looked at some of your other threads and indeed there are more challenges than this.

I suspect these fetishes are just means of escape for you. Idunno.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

*Re: How do you deal with temptations or even "fetishes" as a married person?*

Meh. I think it's normal. No different then getting aroused by porn. It's your actions that follow that'll make or break you. And she's on here looking for advice. So kudos to her for making an effort to deal with any insecurities she may have. Just saying
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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

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QuietSoul said:


> o... I love my husband. We have been married close to 6 years and have come through alot to get where we se. We are in a good place. Our sex life seems on track after some health.struggles. Soon we will be starting a family.
> 
> Now there are a few things I could never tell him, 1 because i'm embarrassed and 2 because it might hurt him or cause him to feel uneasy. ..
> 
> ...


Why not just talk with your hubby about your fantasies and that you want him to dress up like a cop and be a mentally stronger guy. Tell him you'd love it if he came to the bedroom dressed up and took control of you for the night.......hand cuffs, frisking, you name it and I bet he'd do it for you.

Nothing wrong with fantasies or even fetishes. Just tell him and you'd be surprised how excited he might get. Ask him what his are as well, again, be surprised and enjoy.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

*Re: How do you deal with temptations or even "fetishes" as a married person?*

To be honest, I don't believe trying to live these ideas out with my husband is the answer. I am not into cuffs, my attraction to police pretty much ends at the uniform and arrogant facade lol. and even if I were to incorporate this kind of roleplay, I doubt my attraction to the real thing would cease. I am just concerned that my mind goes down that path as a married woman, and I wonder how close I am to danger when I am around these men. Where is that line? What boundaries or alarm bells do you have that tells you you're in dangerous terroritory?
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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

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QuietSoul....is there a particular black cop that you are into? A man who is in your life somehow? If so, then you are right, you are already in danger of cheating.

If you are talking about just random men on the street who are your "type", what harm is there in that?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

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The warning signs should be obvious to you:
If you ever feel the desire to take your ring off
If you ever feel the desire to approach the man and flirt
If you ever feel the desire to be alone with the man

I'm sure there are others. But these desires are definately warning signs to keep your distance.
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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

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FaithfulWife, lol no there's no black cop in my life. my attraction is more to Aussie cops being Aussie and probably having a stronger association with their uniform and authority. The race thing, well, no one I have in my life that I feel attracted to in that way, so that helps. But I also live in the real world where I am forced to interact and soxialise with attractive people. There have only been a few ppl i've had to actively avoid.
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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

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deejov said:


> I have a "thing" for heavily muscled guys like Vin Diesel. Or fit army uniformed guys in RL. I like to look at them. The strong black dominant dude included. Discreetly. We all have our fantasies. It's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.
> 
> I think both sexes do these things --- we may have private time in which we satisfy our fantasies. It's not something we would even want to do with our spouses, due to respect. Chances are your husband also has his secret fantasies, which he might not share with you out of respect for you as a woman.


Thanks Deejov, you helped me feel kind of normal  i am pretty sure in the back of his mind there are things that he has been or is attracted to that he wouldn't tell me about.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

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tracyishere said:


> The warning signs should be obvious to you:
> If you ever feel the desire to take your ring off
> If you ever feel the desire to approach the man and flirt
> If you ever feel the desire to be alone with the man
> ...


Thanks for the tips. I am pretty safe then i think. A few times in the past i had stories going on in my head of specific people and instead of allowing myself to be alone with them i ran the other way lol. I think i know my limits. Maybe i am too careful and worried, but better than not careful/worried enough.

I have cheated before on a guy i was with for 4 years. Well we both cheated on eachother. It was a really messy situation, we were both really unhealthy and had our reasons, but it just tore me apart inside when i did that. It made me realise my own fragility as a human being, that no matter what principles i thought i would have, i could be weak if i compromised or tested myself...

I have not cheated on my husband and i wouldn't, but i am really glad i have this place to vent and share what's on my mind. It really helps just to talk and to get other people's feedback


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

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Entropy3000 said:


> I looked at some of your other threads and indeed there are more challenges than this.
> 
> I suspect these fetishes are just means of escape for you. Idunno.


Hi Entropy.

Those threads are kind of old. This place has been a haven for me when i went through some really trying times. I hit the lowest point in my marriage a couple of years ago, and all i can say is that God sobered him up. Not trying to preach, that's just the best way i know how to put it. We have had some big stuff go down. We both have mental health issues. Me mainly over hte long term, and my husband who discovered he was bipolar after he ended up in hospital. He has also been in recovery for many years for an addiction, and has physical injuries that cause him pain and depression. But we are in the best place we have been in now, and i don't know why but i'm scared of ruining that, because of how bad things got with us, like the verge of divorce.

Since about 18 mths ago, thigns have improved more and more, including in our sex life, which was pretty much non-existent back then.

The specific attractions i mentioned in my OP were there before i met my husband. I think they will always be...


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

*Re: How do you deal with temptations or even "fetishes" as a married person?*



> You might want to take a close look at what attracts you to guys like cops. I doubt it's the uniform. It's most likely your perception that they have power and strength. Is this something that is missing in your husband?


Elegirl, i think it's the association i have with the uniform. I have felt both intimidated and protected by police in my life, so that ****tail is strangely sexy in some strange way lol... its just the association i have with the uniform, and the kind of guys that tend to be cops. Not very nice people some of them, i think it's just the dominance thing.

I guess my husband isn't that alpha male type, and i don't want him to be, and if he was domineering, i don't know that we would get along. I'm a little fiery  but i don't see this as my husband lacking in something i want. Fantasy is fantasy i guess... if i had some real life encounter with a cop and it went the way it goes in my head if i let my mind wander, i don't think it would be more anxiety-inducing than sexy...


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

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Huzzah said:


> As a man who has and continues to work in the law enforcement world, I should tell you I hope your fantasy is that you want to feel secure. Most cops I know are not worth fantasizing over. Just like most nurses are not worth me fantasizing over regardless of how they make those pants look or the fact that I wish they could make me well. My wife knows that I find hispanic females attractive yet she is blonde with blue eyes. There will always be people you will be attracted to this is normal, however idle time is the devil's playground and I speak from experience in that regard. I had females who found me real attractive due to my job title and when I had time on my hands I thought of what I could do with those females, and believe me I did not mistake them for ladies.


Thanks for the reality check. LOL i know it's pure fantasy because when i think of a cop without the uniform or the title, it kind of removes the edge. Completely aside from impact on my marriage, i think this scenario in reality would be disastrous... 

In my travels yesterday, i found this article on Google. I was googling because i wanted to understand the psychology behind this attraction. It was a risk because you know as soon as you put the word "fetish" in, up comes every porn link under the sun. It was actually aimed at cops to warn them about women who go out of their way to pursue cops, and the kind of mess it can create. I can live without my husband being a cop or pretending to be one (which i wouldn't want him to do in any case). 

You mentioned you had an attraction to hispanic women which your wife is not one... what do you feel the healthy boundaries are with that? When you are around an attractive woman of this variety, do you have obsessive thoughts about her or think about approaching her or doing stuff? If so, what do you do? Do you let the thoughts continue, do you think about something else, do you go about your normal activities including interacting with her if required, or do you avoid her? Have you ever felt too attracted to someone that you felt like you had to avoid them?


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

*Re: How do you deal with temptations or even "fetishes" as a married person?*

My concern for the OP is that a girls night out with some alcohol and one of her fantasies arriving on the scene could result in a damaging one night stand and destruction of the family.
The H could obviously get a cop uniform and help the W with her fantasy though.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

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I'm with OP on this one. My H dressed up in uniform would probably just make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I think the "unknown" is also part of the fantasy. 

My H can just be himself and I'll be satisfied. But, an occasional glance at some heroic man is nothing to be ashamed about.


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## Huzzah (Sep 11, 2013)

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QuietSoul said:


> Thanks for the reality check. LOL i know it's pure fantasy because when i think of a cop without the uniform or the title, it kind of removes the edge. Completely aside from impact on my marriage, i think this scenario in reality would be disastrous...
> 
> In my travels yesterday, i found this article on Google. I was googling because i wanted to understand the psychology behind this attraction. It was a risk because you know as soon as you put the word "fetish" in, up comes every porn link under the sun. It was actually aimed at cops to warn them about women who go out of their way to pursue cops, and the kind of mess it can create. I can live without my husband being a cop or pretending to be one (which i wouldn't want him to do in any case).
> 
> You mentioned you had an attraction to hispanic women which your wife is not one... what do you feel the healthy boundaries are with that? When you are around an attractive woman of this variety, do you have obsessive thoughts about her or think about approaching her or doing stuff? If so, what do you do? Do you let the thoughts continue, do you think about something else, do you go about your normal activities including interacting with her if required, or do you avoid her? Have you ever felt too attracted to someone that you felt like you had to avoid them?


It is funny you bring up the Hispanic thing, because we lived in St.Louis Mo and I had an opportunity to take a job in Phoenix Arizona, however my wife was worried that I would run off with a lovely Hispanic chic. Even funnier is that my wife's name is Maria....she claims I couldn't land the woman I wanted so I settled for the name. I understand your issue, however you claim that once the uniform comes off you are not as attracted to the "cop." In the event that I am in the presence of a lovely Hispanic lady that I find attractive I use it as an appetizer meaning it will bring out my appetite for the full course, which I would seek from my wife at home. My biggest fear, similar to yours, is what would I do if that perfect woman was waiting on a platter and nobody would ever find out. What would I do?
We are all human with our own personal desires. Do I think I could knock it outta the park with this lady and still love my wife and live happily ever after....yes. Is it right? No. But the devil on my shoulder says....You only live once, you deserve it...etc. Cannot believe I am saying this....sounds terrible don't it?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: How do you deal with temptations or even "fetishes" as a married person?*

It makes me very glad that both my husband and I were able to experience some of our various fantasies and "types" before we got married. I think I would struggle with wanting certain things more if I didn't have that chance. If I felt deprived of the chance, I would feel resentful I think.

However having said that...since I did have the chance and I did experience it, I can also say that I could have had just as much fun and intimacy with only one lifetime partner *IF* I was sexually self-aware and knew how to get my own needs met in a relationship.

The "lure" of sex with another person is really no different than the "lure" of sex with your spouse. It is only in our minds that we make it into something different that then tempts us.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

*Re: How do you deal with temptations or even "fetishes" as a married person?*

Don't ask, don't tell. He may act as if its ok but he might become obsessed. I would not want to know. I think that attraction to others is common and a condition of being human. So you should Expect it. However, guard your relationship by letting the thoughts come and go.

I wouldn't want a blow by blow from my husband unless he is tempted. Then we both have to deal with it.
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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

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I have only one real “fetish” and that is I like to see my wife in lingerie or silky/satiny bras and panties. She used to oblige me but for the last two years, that has been nonexistent.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

*Re: How do you deal with temptations or even "fetishes" as a married person?*

I still go back to the statement that you should be able to control your thoughts and actions. I have been hit on by women that would be my ideal physical attraction (fit and athletic). Also, I am surrounded by that constantly with my time in the gym and other physical activities.

However, it is rather easy to turn it down out of respect for myself and my wife. Sure, we have our issues like anyone else, but I vowed to remain faithful many years ago. I don't take that lightly.


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