# False Recover? Long but frustrated.......



## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

It has been awhile since I have posted. My H had a LTA. I forgave him and am now living at home, gave up the travel job positions, and with that gave up a good income. I did take a permanent job a few hundred miles from home and thought all was well with us switching weekends but I resigned from that job. Reasons for resignation were the job and the distance. I think I used a situation at the job to justify me coming home. 
So I am home now. Have been home for approximately a month. A little shy of a month. My H at first was helping in the house and trying to show me through my love language which is deeds that he loves me. We have been going to MC also. 
My H had lost his job back in May of last year while in the affair, he had told me he wanted a divorce then after loosing his job told me he wanted to work on the marriage, all the while having an affair that I was unaware of due to my travel position, my job is Physical Therapy.
I being unaware of the affair trusted him and believed him. I did wonder though, but because I loved my H I fought for my marriage. It has not been a good marriage. He has been selfish, selfcentered, narcosisitic, porn watching, money hiding and mentally abusive for the last 7 years. My whole marriage. He is the only man I have married. I am not young and felt that when I marry I will not divorce so I had married late in life.
Back in Aug. I found out about the affair. He continued to be mentally abusive and he was in a fog (or not).... The last time he was abusive mentally was late Oct or early Nov. But because I am a fool I continued to try to salvage my marriage. 
So I am home and things are OK, well my H has finally found a job.......
His first day of work I am in town and call and tell him I will wait for him and give him a hug before his first day. I met him in front of his new employment and things are weird. Uncomfortable is the best to describe it. I go to give him a hug and he leans towards me and gives me a pat pat. I am uncomfortable with this but try to brush it off. I ask him some questions and still uncomfortability is in the air. I go to give him a hug good bye and pat pat again. I come home and start my search.
He had bought Viagra while in the affair I found the saved email confirmation. And he had admitted to buying the Viagra for her. He told me he threw the rest away, he had a few pills left. Well I found a bottle hidden in his hunting jacket, a old presription bottle of MINE with 1 1/2 pills in it. I didn't find anything else physical anyway. I get on his emails and find a bookmark for a calling card which had not been there in Aug. when I was home and didn't know about the affair. He knew that I was looking at the phone numbers after finding out so hence a calling card.
I was furious to say the least.
The next morning I give him about 10 min to wake up and show him and tell him of my findings. After his telling me that he had thought he threw them away and forgot about them (He has lied to me multiple times before) I threw the bottle on the kitchen counter saying that he mocked me by keeping them in a bottle with my name, f***ing his b***ch. He grabbed the bottle pulled out his hunting knife started scratching my name off with the blade destroying the counter then proceeded to stab the counter.
I went to work and when I came home we proceeded to continue with the fight. He winds up jumping up and down like a maniac telling me I didn't let him wake up and I was wrong for not letting him wake up. EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!! He said things like why don't you just hit me, get it out of you and just kill me already, which he has said in the past about wanting to die. He also called me righteous and proceeded to tell me how righteous I think I am, which I never claimed to be.
Of course I shut down. The next day I call him from work and we start discussing things again. During the conversation he again tells me how wrong I was for not letting him wake up and that was his excuse for his behavior, he then called me judge (my name), well I hung up. Called him back and he proceeds to tell me I'm just wierded out because he got his job and I think he's going to leave.....I tell him YOU THINK!!!!!!!!!
He was going to leave me before he lost his job, he was going to move in with the OW but she would not commit...so he is here...DO YOU THINK I FEEL LIKE SECOND CHOICE....and that the only reason he is here is becuase he was jobless????????
So that night he goes to work and brings home flowers and a nice card, in the card he writes that he could have bahaved better....YOU THINK????
So the next day things are as they are I talk to him about the hug and he first gives the excuse that he had things in his pockets that he didn't want to crush, I mention that his jacket was open and then he changes the story to he didn't want to hug me in front of his job because he was nervous about the job. NOT........
He tells me that he didn't know about the bookmark and it could have been there from a long time ago, when in reality I know better, then he admits that he had been looking up ways to talk to people, I said people, he said the OW's name.
Claims not to have gotten the card
So I notice this week that he has not been helping in the house again.
YESTERDAY......
I came home about 3:00 pm. I live about 20 miles from town, there is only one way to town from my house. He is supposed to be to work at 4:00 pm. I do not pass him on the way home. I called him and asked where he was. He told me he left the house at 2:30 so he could eat and let his food digest before starting work.
OW works in town also and gets off work between 3:00 and 3:30pm. I asked him if he met anyone, he claims no. The thing is he has lived here all his life and knows that it only takes 1/2 hour to get into town. Does he need an hour to digest his food?
He claims that he timed it wrong, that he is not thinking straight because of his new job. The hours have him messed up. Well he has been keeping the same hours for the last 9 months. Sleeping all day and up all night. So that doesn't fly with me. He claims his behavior has been because of work and being lazy and he just needs to get used to working.....NOT....doesn't fly with me.......
NONE OF IT FLYS WITH ME....
For 2 years before his year long affair he had been lying to me and himself..We went to MC twice......I think I am in false R....as a matter of fact I beleive I am in false R
He hasn't read the books suggested by the councelor nor the one I gave him over 3 months ago about rebuilding marriage after an affair....he pulls this sh*t after finding a job....
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK??????
I am going to have a long sit down with him today....


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

It sounds a little complicated. But here is my two cents worth....you guys don't have trust! It sounds like he tells you lies if your info.is correct and that is never good and with him also giving you suspicions that he is cheating on you. You say you guys are doing MC and I have to ask if that is doing any good at all? I am not sure what to tell you other than the two of you must stop the deceit and become open and at least somewhat transparent with each other. In your post I kept reading about a lack of trust so maybe you are hitting each others buttons that make the other feel that they have to lie,,,,I don't know. But my first impression is that he may not be ready to be honest-OR-he simply may not be an honest person no matter what. Somehow you must figure out how to get back to square one,clear the air,and agree to make the relationship work through trust and openess with each other. If that is not possible then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe others will be able to have more insight and help more. Good luck, and don't let the problems weigh you down from being able to help yourself and him. Rise above what you are allowing yourself to go through with the buttons he is pushing, take a neutral position, look at the glass as half-full and react in ways that will be positive. You must be strong and positive.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

OMG, your relationship is dysfunctional and crazy!! Why are you still in this marriage??? He has cheated on you, and is verbally abusive and at the brink of being violent. 
Think about it, during your argument, he takes his hunting knife and start stabbing the counter, and that's not making you feel afraid???
Do you want to know what I really think? I think you should file for divorce and get away from this crazy, abusive guy!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

False R is right.

Do not pass go, head straight for divorce. Lawyer up already. You should have called the police when he started stabbing the kitchen table with his hunting knife. Didn't that frighten you? You need to file a police report about that incident, make sure you mention the hunting knife and the kitchen table. You also need to be somewhere else during this process because he seems unstable. Otherwise the authorities may not be able to find your body if he goes ballistic.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's not giving an inch - and is clearly still hiding the affair it's continuation from you.

Time to file and move on. He's so deep in the fog that he WILL not listen or even realize how selfish and awful he is acting.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I have had thoughts of him snapping and just doing away with me and yes it is frightening.....I am in a place where I can't seem to make a decision. This is not the first time he has gone off....I ask myself what am I doing......I think I am like those abused women who can't seem to muster up the strength to leave there husbands that beat on them....I think that is where I am at....am I an abused wife????


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