# Some advice on living with resentment



## Minncouple

Not really a question here, just some advices to those beginning to experience it.

I'm the kind of guy that simply stores emtions, never experess myself. Not a push over, simply wlak away. I saw it as always taking the "higher" road. BIG mistake on my part.

Been going through this for about 2 years, it has festered into such a hate/resentment of my wife that I am upset/worried/sad that I dont think I can ever overcome it and get back what we had.

If something is on your mind, you have an opinion, or just need to vent, please tell your spouse. Dont let it sit there inside you. I thought I was the stronger one, and letting it pass. I wasnt and now I am in a much worse place than if I had dealt with it.

I am married to an amazing person, kind, cares about me, Hot (bikini model), and yet still I hate seeing her, being with her, or even having sex with her. 

I hope to keep looking and find a way to get past all this, but just a heads up to those just venturing into the resentment. Deal with it now.

Sorry for the rant


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## matt.s

I am in the exact same situation, except that I used to be a push over and would just accept everything. I have been unhappy for ages but buried my head in the sand and assumed everything would get better, Now I have boiled over, too much resentment has meant that I have shut off emotionally and no longer have any loving feelings for my wife.

If I could go back in time I would not have let it get this far and spoke up right from the beginning.


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## LovesHerMan

You are absolutely right--resentment kills love. Conflict avoiders think that they are doing the right thing by not speaking up when something bothers them, but all they are doing is hurting their marriage. Communication is one of the most important things you can do to keep you marriage passionate.

It is indeed best if you can stop this early, but there is still hope if it has gotten out of hand. Talk to your spouse about what you are thinking. Do not blame them or let them get defensive. Just state your part in the resentment. Tell your spouse that you want to start a new marriage with them.

Spend time together doing things that you both enjoy. Go over pictures from your early courtship and marriage to bring back warm feelings. 

If necessary, find a counselor who can help you learn to communicate better. Sometimes a neutral third party can bring out emotions that we are afraid to show our spouses. You need to forgive each other for not knowing how to express negative feelings.


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## In_The_Wind

Hi Minn & Matt go back to the time that yall first met and started going out what did you do ?? where did you go ?? didnt you talk all the time etc get back to those days and be a man and love your wifes. It is your God Given duty to lead your families Lead follow or gt the hell out of the way as the old saying goes 

Good Luck


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## Carol/BC

Wait a sec... so you're saying that 2 years ago you got angry, didn't express it and now it's a million times worse. And you're admonishing others to never do this, never stuff the feelings, always talk it out. And yet you have not yet brought it into the open. I am stunned that you are clear about what you are doing and yet you continue to do it. You even tell all of us here! - but not her. Why have you not shared this with her?


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## Runs like Dog

Let it go, man. Let it go.


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## Hunger

My H does this. He feels like he will be less of a man if he shows any type of emotions/feelings that may seem “weak”. These built up emotions definitely surface and usually when this happens it has manifested into anger. And quite honestly I am tired of the walls and doors being abused…… :/ 

Let it go as easily as it comes. Like birds in the sky of your mind, let them fly away. In my experience resentment tends to come out at one point or another and not in a pretty manner.


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## sisters359

You did what you thought was right at the time--don't beat yourself up about that. But now what can you do? you can get help--counseling for yourself and marriage counseling to help you get past this as a couple. Or you can leave. If you think she is capable of growth and change, give the mc a try. 

One question: did you express your wants and needs in any way that she understood and ignored? If so, then you weren't really conflict avoidant--you simply expected her to be a mature adult who would listen to you and respond accordingly, out of love for you. If a partner is a loving and mature adult, they respond positively to expressions of dissatisfaction--they do not become defensive and passive-aggressive. If you had that dynamic in the past, and she heard but just didn't care enough to change, you may want to give serious thought to just how emotionally secure and stable she is--is she really emotionally adult, or still acting like a child? 

Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## Mrs. T

Thanks for posting your thoughts. Resentment is a definite relationship killer if let go long enough. If I had this advice 20 years ago my life might have been different at the time. I let mine completely consume me, it changed me and I turned into a bitter cold wife. You at least have your eyes open and recognise what you need to do to hopefully get back on the right track. So why aren't you talking to your wife?


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## SimplyAmorous

I did a thead on this subject... my husband is an introverted man -more on the beta side .... who always felt he loved me more, he slowly built resentment towards me over wanting more sex, he also did not want to come off as needy, he stuffed his feelings so damn well, I had no clue this was building under the surface, he always treated me wonderful...... but we were never close to sexless, I always had a decent drive & would initiate if a week would go by..... 


When I busted all of this open, at my leading.. I learned his resentment bar was climbing and so he was loosing a little bit of his sex drive for me along with that... disheartening to hear, but it can happen to anyone. 

A little conflict could have avoided all of this ..for us. 

Why are you resentful ?? ...what have you been holding in, you didn't say ....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html
.


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