# Nasty old aunt



## bhappy3

I was going to email Ann Landers about this, but decided to start here first. I have an incredibly small family. I am married and have one daughter. I have one parent, one sibling who doesn't even live in the country, one paternal aunt and two maternal aunts and one cousin. The maternal aunts and the cousin live across the country, so we don't ever see one another. The paternal aunt is the problem. She never married and thus never had children. My mother and brother and I are the only family she has. She lives in an assisted living home after her heart attack a few years ago (when the big Tsunami hit). She lives about a half hour away from me and doesn't drive. The last time we spoke on the phone she asked me a question she had asked many times before and I told her so. She quipped back that she doesn't know these things and how is she supposed to know, I never call her. I told her that my phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook with her phone calls (she never calls) and she told me that her cable television just has so many good programs on that she can't find the time to call. {gasp} During the same conversation she asked what we'd been up to and I told her that my husband plays a lot of softball, and my daughter is on a team as well. She responded by saying that there's a lady in her home that is very intelligent and she just can't understand what this lady sees in the game of baseball. How can someone so intelligent be so involved in such a sport. She went on about it, too. So she completely insulted me because softball is a way of life for us over the summer months. Furthermore, she'd rather watch TV than call me, and then wonders why I never call her. Almost any conversation with her is so depressing. She comes across as such a miserable person and is completely unenjoyable to ever be around. She will completely insult a person and have no idea she even did it. A close friend of hers told her she was being nasty to her and she completely denied it and says she's never nasty to anyone.

After a visit my husband and I paid her we left there completely stunned and vowing to never treat our child the way this lady treats what little family she has. After the conversation where she insulted our intelligence because we're so devoted to a ball game, and telling me that she'd rather watch TV than call me, I haven't called her since. 

So my question is this... with her being so pessimistic and nasty and just not a person I want to be around, should I still call her out of elderly or family respect or something? I'm feeling a little guilty that I haven't called lately, but to the same token do I need to put up with her miserable-ness? I feel like the only reason I would be calling her is to still be included on her will somehow and that's certainly questionable b/c I'm not sure she believes in leaving things to her decendants. Is there any other reason I would keep in touch with her?? I know this sounds so horrible, but what should I do??!!


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## justean

i have not been in contact with my dad since i was 26, im 36 this yr.
no matter which way i turned or tried to make our relationship as a father - daughter work, we just did not work out.
ok my situation is different to yours.
but i found i could not keep living with this constant pressure in my life. he only got worse after i left home.
its the verbal and psychological abuse, it just got to a point, where i had to think of my children and i did not want that for them.
it took a little while, b 4 i broke of contact altogether.
like when i was pregnant, i did not see him from when i was 8 months preg until my son was 3 months. 
then it would take another incident and i broke of again for another month.
it ws like they want a control over you and just had to stop it for my sanity and my kids, he upset me all the time.
also my dad never came to me, it ws always me that had to make the effort to go and sort things out, he would never call me.
i do think about my dad. 
but i cannot go back to that torment.
as for my dads will. i think about it(rarely) wait til then.
but i cant even think about that, i have to live my life.


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## bhappy3

Your situation is even sadder than mine b/c this is your parent. At least mine is not an immediate relative. 

I feel guilty b/c I'm not calling her, but when I do call her I feel so frustrated inside afterwards. Problem is that she doesn't even know she's being so condescending and miserable and out of line. I guess that doesn't make me have to put up with it either though. My question for you is how are you going to feel after your dad passes away... will you be able to live with the separation then? I just see my situation as a burden almost... I won't have to deal with her ever again. 

Oh well, I just don't get how people can be like this. If she can ever break away from her programs she can call me.


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## Blanca

I am in a similar situation with my grandma. She is insufferable to be around. I ALWAYS get some guilt trip from her-she's disappointed because i dont write her enough, dont call, dont visit enough, havent read the million books she gave me, dont believe in her religion, etc. Its never ending. Recently she gripped at me b/c i didnt call her. im 26 years old. I have never in my life called her. She has never in her life called me. 

When i was visiting her this last month I was polite but I didnt go out of my way to visit her anymore. I just cant be in her presence when she berates me constantly. I will eventually say something I dont want to say. 

But she is my grandma and has had a really difficult life. She's also getting dementia. i cant imagine how insane that would feel to be losing the memory of who you are and what you've done. what a strange experience that would be. and how scary. 

I write her once a month to keep her up to date and let her know im thinking about her. when she says things like why dont you write more often, i try to respond more to what she is feeling then what she is saying. to me, she is saying she is lonely and so i try to respond to that. when she gets on me about why havent i read the books she gave me, etc, i just ignore it. 

i think the hardest thing for her right now is she's learning that she's getting back what she gave-and it isnt much.


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## justean

the day something happens to my dad, well i wil just take it when it comes.
but i have lived a life for the past 10 years, without criticism and shame and his control and jealousy.
my children grow up every day me telling them i love them and im proud of them, i neve had that with my dad in the 8 yrs i lived with him. i saw alot of anger in him and thats why i was and stil am scared of him.
this sounds awful, but i ws scared if my dad had my children and we had reconciliated that he might hurt my children to get to me.
i wont take that chance.
but the day i hear of n e thing, i wil probably feel sad. but that wil be the day i fight for what is right fully mine. 
i am his only child and he has never remarried (also a social recluse)and if his family thinks i get nothing they can think again.
i paid my way with my dad. i could tell you loads more. and these are the reasons i would fight for his estate.
in your case id let her go. they do know what they are doing.
they actually enoy u having pain.


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## loobylou22

i think personally you should call her
you are the only family she has even tho she is mean to you and can be very upsetting you just have to grit your teeth and just say yes in the right places you dont even have to listen.
and i can garantee you that once you have got off the phone she will be telling all her buddys in the home that "her niece called today and the two of you had a lovely chat"
she will be telling them all about your daughter and what you've been up to i know it may not seem like thats what she will be doing but she will be glad that you called and she will apreciate it even if she dosnt show it.

my pearents dont talk to me they disowned me when i got pregnant and married to my hubby they said i was too young and should get a termination and forget the whole sorry mess because i woz ruinging my life but i have proved them wrong i havnt had conntact with them in almost 2 1/2 years!
they are fully aware of where i live and my phone number but they refuse to contact me my aunt takes them photos of my son and of me and my hubby but they are not interested they do not have a daughter and grandson as far as they are concerned!!

please dont let this happen to you and your aunt you are the closest family that she has and she truley will appreciate your calls even if she dosnt show it


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## bhappy3

Ha, so the old bag called me the other day just to give me her new phone number. She gave it to me quickly, asked me how everyone was doing, by name, then said she had to get off the phone because she was sitting in the sun and it was hot. I told her not to hesitate to call sometime, and she said the same to me. That was it. WTF??????? I haven't talked to her in MONTHS and she can't even talk to me for more than five minutes (if it was even that long)??!! I know she's got the capacity to get up and move her ass out of the sun and resume the conversation, she just didn't want to. So remind me again why I should call her!!??


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## Honey

You call her and do the same back, hun. Say.. how are you and what have you been up to? Then when she starts answering you.. say..well, gotta go, no time to talk.. bye. :rofl:


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