# Epiphany



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I am 45 days post d-day. My WW had a long term PA/ EA. I have been killing myself over this. In particular I have been comparing myself to him. This morning in the car the reality hit me like a ton of bricks.... There is absolutely NO COMPARISON. I am and have been a faithful loving husband and devoted father. He is a POS that took advantage of my wife's weakness ( don't worry I hold her totally accountable). I am fighting for my wife and more importantly my children's well being while he on the other hand quit on his family and got divorced. 

I guess what I am saying is that as BS's it is easy for us to question ourselves and loose confidence. In reality the actions by the adulterers only reaffirm our status as the strong ones in the relationship. Many will take that as a reason to leave and seek out a more compatible spouse, one less flawed. For me - I am taking it as an affirmation of who I am and I am going to try to be the beacon for my lost wife. I am no longer going to compare myself to him in any way- it is like comparing a Porsche to a Yugo. By making comparisons I only serve to diminish who I am. I believe if my actions reflect this belief my WW will clearly see that I am the better man. The best part is that if I do this and she chooses to go after the OM or someone else, she will be proving herself to be unworthy. 

In many ways I an simply restating the reasoning behind the 180. But today it is so clear to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Another way of looking at it is "her affair does not define who I am".


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

And I looked at it as apples and oranges. Their relationship was limited; As in ‘friendship with sex’. Mine included: Parenting, home ownership duties, bread winner, dinner cooker, diaper changer, homework helper, financial director, vacation planner, nurse, dog trainer, yard keeper, home remodeler, soccer buddy, .... on and on and on. Basically what they had was just a minor part of my relationship with what she expected out of me.

If my duties were just limited to sticking it in there, listening to her whine, and nodding my head in agreement about how awful her life is, then she could compare us.... When I finally detached, funny thing is that our relationship started looking like that... I took away from her all those other things she just took for granted and expected; and treated her just like a disposable girlfriend since that is apparently who she wants to be.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am sorry you wasted even one second questioning whether you measure up. No one should do this. Glad you turned the page on that one.

As you figured out, obsessing about your lack of self-worth by comparing yourself to any other human being is extremely unattractive. If you want to instantly make yourself unattractive to anyone--that is what you should do straightaway.

On the other hand, nothing brings self confidence as much as living your life to the fullest, spouse by your side, or no. Many people think that can't be done without their spouse. But the truth is, we all have to learn how to do this solo because human beings have a way of not being there eventually, for one reason or another. 

That is the 180 in a nutshell.

But what you've gone through is all part of the healing process. Nothing rocks your world quite like a betrayal. Now that you see this clearly, no need to beat yourself up for not figuring it out before!


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Morituri is correct. Do not make comparisons. It will serve no point but lower your esteem. When we do start the comparing actions, they only hurt, with us compromising ourselves, our emotions, and so on, so forth. You know who you are, and as for now, I see that you see yourself as the better man here. You are... You are loyal, and a good husband. You may see yourself the weaker mate, however... the better half! And someone who has an affair with a married person, male or female is low on the pole. They have no morals and are going to risk getting possible hurt, even killed if the spouse discovers the affair. Exposure and letting all around know who and what they are is alone a great damage to them who do such in our society. For the most part, society on the whole has taboo issues about infidelity. It is the cheaters and adulterers whom feel otherwise only. Most individuals in our society have disgust and are intolerant of cheaters. This would comprise both single and married individuals. Your morals speak for themselves. You are the better man, and mate... by far. There is no question of this fact! Good luck!


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## Umoja (Dec 26, 2011)

These types of stories and experiences always seem to amaze me. I used to think that I was in the minority of these types of stories, but thanks to this site, I see that I was far from alone.

The main problem with the women who do these things is that they just throw in the towel and instead of looking back on the history, they look to some short term event. Throwing everything away and walking out on your family for something new isn't as exciting as they may see. In the long run, it provides more chaos and destruction than they could have ever known.

Most of the time, when or if they ever figure it out... we are long gone. We have moved on with our lives whether with someone else or just by ourselves in a better frame of mind. Either way, we have to leave them to their mistakes. It doesn't matter what we say, how many tears we shed, how many facts we throw at them... logic will always fail.

They like to use us as a "lifeboat" for just in case their sex fling goes horribly wrong. That is when they seek the comfort of what they knew and felt safe with. Personally, for me, I have closed that door or window of opportunity. I never want to feel that hurt and pain again. She can no longer be trusted. Just remember, if the tables were turned, and we left our spouse for a younger, hotter, more sexual person... would we be given the same chance in finding our way back home after everything blew up in our faces? Not a chance.


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