# Ladies, tell me your thoughts



## consuk (May 24, 2010)

Married 13 years, together 17. I am 40 she is 45. We have two daughters, 9 and 12. We are financially stable, don’t take medication and have steady jobs. About a year I told my W we had problem in our marriage, communication, lack of sex etc….. She said she did not want to separate or divorce. A few months later I confronted her again after nothing had changed. Again she did want a divorce. 

I got my W a job working at my best friend’s company about 6 years ago. About 7 months ago I noticed numerous text msg and phones calls between my BF and W. At first it was no big deal but I became suspicious. The calls/text occurred anytime she and I were not together, before I got home or after I went to bed. 

One night I caught her on the phone, after I went to bed, and she said it was another co-worker and swore on her life it was not BF. I warned her that night that if BF’s wife finds out about her and him, she (W) would lose her job. Other than phone calls, I had nothing and did not want to be too accusatory. She said I was crazy for even accusing her of doing anything with “your friend”. The next day I checked the calls and it was him. 

So I let it go but continued watching the calls/text as they continued as before. A few weeks later I told her that she was going to lose her job when BF’s wife found out about them. Again I was told “I would never do that with your friend”. At this point she still does not know I’m watching her phone calls/text on a daily basis. The only actual text I ever saw on her phone was W letting him know that I wasn’t home..indicating it as safe for him to call.

To this point she has denyed everything. A few weeks later on a Tuesday morning I decide I had enough. I told her that I know what’s going on between her and BF. After a short battle of denying it, I get the typical “we were just talking AND NOTHING HAPPENED”. Then she tells me that my BF’s wife looked at his phone the previous Friday and saw numerous text msgs between them. According to my W, my BF had to show his wife all his recent credit card activity to prove he had not paid for any hotels. 

I call my BF, I had not talked to him during this whole time, and of course he is SORRY and says NOTHING HAPPENED. I tell him what I think and have not spoken to him since. My W was worried for a few weeks that she was going get fired (as I said would happen). This has not happened. I asked her to quit but it’s a catch 22, she makes really good money. 

It’s been about 4 months since that day. She still does not want a divorce. She explains that we were having issues and he was there to listen plus getting “attention”. She admits to talking “chit” with him but will not provide any details. And she still works there but their cell phones never connect anymore. I was eventually told that it was “no big deal” and I should let it go. My W and BF, BF of 25 years, betrayed me. I think about it every day and she has no idea what this had done to me. To this day she says NOTHING HAPPENED. She did not stop until HE got caught, even after I had confronted her more than once. 

I find it hard to believe that that two married people, going out of their way to talk to one another, jeopardizing their marriage, W knowing he is my BF, BF knowing she is my W, did not have any physical contact? W did briefly say that they talked about “if they got caught” scenario. I can only assume they agreed to ADMIT TO NOTHING. 

Her short answers are pushing me away. I would like to get another woman’s perspective on this or from anyone with similar experience. I don’t want be 10 years down the road and find out she was having sex with him.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Did you find any "red flags" in the exchanges? Any "I feel so guilty doing this", or "I think I love you more" or even "Don't worry, my H is such a clueless jackass, he doesn't suspect a thing"?
True, maybe nothing happened, but by "nothing" I mean no physical intimacy. A lot of men don't consider it cheating if there's no sex, and some wives will take advantage of this. It sounds like an emotional affair, and in my opinion, EAs can be more devastating than physical ones.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

So you really would be "fine" with it if you were "sure" things hadn't gotten physical? 

I ask that question to point out that you are really missing the boat. Whether or not anything physical happened is irrelevant. The reality is, your wife is unhappy with you, and you are unhappy with her. You brought it up, nothing changed. You brought it up, nothing changed again. Oh, wait; yes it did; she started seeking attention and comfort from another man.

Get thee to marriage counseling, NOW. She needs to leave that job unless you are willing to risk either her very sudden dismissal or a renewed affair between them--probably both. Why you and the other W tolerate this state of affairs is beyond me. Allowing the two of them to continue working together is simply playing with fire. Good luck.


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

If you're fine with it as long as nothing happened "physically" between them, then let it go. However, you better start being not just someone called the "husband". You are the man who is to be with her for the rest of her life. Things change and get stale. But the two of you have to always be two best friends, two people who can talk about everything and if you lost it you have to find it. It might be hard but fight to get it back. If you never had true friendship well then....


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your wife turned to your best friend for validations. Guess you're not a very responsive husband to meet her needs.
According to what happened, they not yet have sex in my opinion.
To meet up for sex, ppl won't spend so much time talking on the phone. 
For sex call, it's enough to make 1 phone call within 3 mins talking time to tell him, time & date & place, after they meet in private, they can talk as much as they like when naked.
So it's more close to an EA but maybe it wasn't EA at all. It could be chi chatting, because you won't chi chat with your wife for long hours often, that's why she turn to other men for support, if I'm not wrong! Pls take good care of your woman if you still love her, pls be more positively responsive. 
If you want to be negative, then better let her have an audience to listen to her venting.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Your wife turned to your best friend for validations. Guess you're not a very responsive husband to meet her needs.
> According to what happened, they not yet have sex in my opinion.
> To meet up for sex, ppl won't spend so much time talking on the phone.
> For sex call, it's enough to make 1 phone call within 3 mins talking time to tell him, time & date & place, after they meet in private, they can talk as much as they like when naked.
> ...


ehhh this was at the very least an EA, there are definitely red flags here, her lying and denial, her shady acts in trying to deflect him from the truth, her and his BF only wanting to talk when he is not there. This has EA written all over it. Also I would NOT go as far as say that he was not there to meet her needs but THEY BOTH are missing something in their marriage. You can best believe that is rare that one person is ever at fault. They BOTH have let their marriage get to this point.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

dblkman said:


> ehhh this was at the very least an EA, there are definitely red flags here, her lying and denial, her shady acts in trying to deflect him from the truth, her and his BF only wanting to talk when he is not there. This has EA written all over it. Also I would NOT go as far as say that he was not there to meet her needs but THEY BOTH are missing something in their marriage. You can best believe that is rare that one person is ever at fault. They BOTH have let their marriage get to this point.


I agree what you have pointed out. It's true this has EA written all over it.

However, EA, in my opinion is not guilty. It's still all about chi chatting with some imagination. Nothing is physical.

It's like playing with the fire to start the whole thing, without knowing maybe one day they would end up having a PA.

Maybe PA will never happen, simply some women only need some EA for their musterbations.

I think women's musterbation is another marriage problem & topic here. It did happen when their husbands were sexless or not responsive to their sexual needs- according to the postings from women in this forum.

To clear up the doubts in this case, we have to ask Consuk about his sexual life with his wife. 

So, is Consuk still here?


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

I agree but what does EA stand for? "Emotional Affair", in some folks dictionary it can be just as painful as a PA. We cannot discount it just because it is not physical. Also some people really believe that EA or worse because emotions are involved vs a PA can at times just mean plain ole sex. EA is staying up late chatting and talking about things that you should be discussing with your spouse, EA is not giving 100% to your marriage. I know, I have been in a similar situation. For a male we like to feel (and know) that only we have our W heart, not only just her body.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

EA is emotional affair. When you musterbate over an nude photo of a dirty magazine, or watching pron are all considered an EA.


Is there really that much emotion involved? Maybe yes, maybe no.
An example of my EA for a different view.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18236-my-husband-said-my-ea-not-cheating.html

The husband's reaction really matters. He can minimize this issue or magnify it. When the EA is over-rated, you will really make your woman keep thinking about her EA means a lot to her.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

yep and I agree with ya, your H has a total different outlook on what an EA is, and yep I have read your post. Basically different strokes for different folks. Just saying we cannot discount his feelings if he believes it is wrong. Would your mind be changed if your H felt it was wrong?


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