# Cheated on throughout the entire marriage?



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

And not an on and off again affair; like a full-blown secondary relationship that could be mistaken for the primary relationship while the marriage could literally be regarded as the sham.

How would one even begin to try to reconcile that?

Bonus points if the BS was pregnant or deployed.

(I would also say this is honestly more of a discussion post, so feel free to move it if needed.)


----------



## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

Spoons027 said:


> And not an on and off again affair; like a full-blown secondary relationship that could be mistaken for the primary relationship while the marriage could literally be regarded as the sham.
> 
> How would one even begin to try to reconcile that?
> 
> ...




You don't reconcile. You divorce and with a quickness.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I know two women who have had affairs throughout their entire marriage. I knew a lot more guys who did that since my job involved a lot of overseas travel. It is more common than most think. My wife and I shared a girlfriend. The girls are bi and long time friends. However my wife did not want to cheat so she insisted that I be sexually involved with them. Tough decision. . 

Her girlfriend was married to a guy who she had an arrangement with. She had her own room and wardrobe at our house and at her husband's condo. She spent time with both him and us, and went on vacation with us and/or her husband. I know this sounds weird, but to us it was just our normal life. My wife and I loved the same girl but we also loved each other. Unlike most, we kept it all above board unlike our friends who were cheating as much as they can.

Divorce as soon as possible in your case, and find someone who wants only you. You can forgive, but never trust someone who has proven that they are distrustful. You cannot believe someone who has so easily lied to you for so long. It is like keeping a dog who bit you hoping that will not bite again. Your life will be forever guarding against being bitten again and that is no way to live.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why try? Betrayal on that scale is not fixable.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> And not an on and off again affair; like a full-blown secondary relationship that could be mistaken for the primary relationship while the marriage could literally be regarded as the sham.
> 
> How would one even begin to try to reconcile that?
> 
> ...


Like @Jharp said don't reconcile, figure you married a monster and chalk it up to wasted time. Don't waste any more though. Just move on. The good news is you can still have a real one as long as your breathing.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

I’ve never cheated or been cheated on but I do know a long time married couple where the wife has had a long term affair. 

She was a coworker of mine and very open about it. She would talk about sex with the OM all the time. Her husband worked very long hours away from home. She was always with the OM and they’d go out to dinner a lot and we’d see them grocery shopping together. I went to her house a couple times and he was always there hanging out. She didn’t really try to hide it. She told her husband that her and the OM were “best friends” but he had caught them several times together. She’d promise that they’d stop sleeping together but said they still needed to be friends. He probably caught them 7-10 times in the 5 years that I was friends with her. She’d cry and talk about how hurt and angry he was and how bad she felt and how she told OM that they couldn’t see each other anymore...and then a few months later she’d tell me a new sex story about OM. 

We are still friends on Facebook and she’s still married to her husband. She posts pictures of them all the time and talks about how much they love each other and how great their marriage is. I am not close to her anymore so I don’t know if she’s still sleeping with OM but I do know that they are friends on Facebook and he comments on her posts occasionally. 

I always wondered if her husband has a secret cuckold fantasy or if she’s got some kind of dirt on him. I see him occasionally in town and I can barely make eye contact because it’s all I think about. He’s a friendly guy who makes great money. I don’t really understand it.


----------



## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> I’ve never cheated or been cheated on but I do know a long time married couple where the wife has had a long term affair.
> 
> She was a coworker of mine and very open about it. She would talk about sex with the OM all the time. Her husband worked very long hours away from home. She was always with the OM and they’d go out to dinner a lot and we’d see them grocery shopping together. I went to her house a couple times and he was always there hanging out. She didn’t really try to hide it. She told her husband that her and the OM were “best friends” but he had caught them several times together. She’d promise that they’d stop sleeping together but said they still needed to be friends. He probably caught them 7-10 times in the 5 years that I was friends with her. She’d cry and talk about how hurt and angry he was and how bad she felt and how she told OM that they couldn’t see each other anymore...and then a few months later she’d tell me a new sex story about OM.
> 
> ...



Sounds like an involuntary **** who doesn't have the balls to ditch the *****.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Jharp said:


> Sounds like an involuntary **** who doesn't have the balls to ditch the *****.


7-10 times he walked in on them? Involuntary my arse. Just a plain ol ****.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I’ve never cheated or been cheated on but I do know a long time married couple where the wife has had a long term affair.
> 
> She was a coworker of mine and very open about it. She would talk about sex with the OM all the time. Her husband worked very long hours away from home. She was always with the OM and they’d go out to dinner a lot and we’d see them grocery shopping together. I went to her house a couple times and he was always there hanging out. She didn’t really try to hide it. She told her husband that her and the OM were “best friends” but he had caught them several times together. She’d promise that they’d stop sleeping together but said they still needed to be friends. He probably caught them 7-10 times in the 5 years that I was friends with her. She’d cry and talk about how hurt and angry he was and how bad she felt and how she told OM that they couldn’t see each other anymore...and then a few months later she’d tell me a new sex story about OM.
> 
> ...


Maybe he is away with this other family. I know someone remotely who worked during the week away from his wife and kids. One day he up and tell her he is divorcing. Seems he spent the week living with his girlfriend in her house. He married her less then a year later. 

People are weird. I don't see the point. Love the one your with.


----------



## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> 7-10 times he walked in on them? Involuntary my arse. Just a plain ol ****.


I was being generous.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Jharp said:
> 
> 
> > Sounds like an involuntary **** who doesn't have the balls to ditch the *****.
> ...


I don’t know how many times (or if) he actually walked in on them. By “caught” I just meant that he found proof or whatever and confronted her and she admitted it. He knew that the OM was always with her and at their house when he wasn’t there. He had to have known the whole time though. It just kept happening over and over and she refused to stop contact with the OM. It was such a weird situation.


----------



## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> I don’t know how many times (or if) he actually walked in on them. By “caught” I just meant that he found proof or whatever and confronted her and she admitted it. He knew that the OM was always with her and at their house when he wasn’t there. He had to have known the whole time though. It just kept happening over and over and she refused to stop contact with the OM. It was such a weird situation.


Indeed. He was weak and spineless and she's walking all over him. I got no respect for guys like that. No balls.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> UpsideDownWorld11 said:
> 
> 
> > Jharp said:
> ...


Why would she stop contact? She has her beta provider away 'providing' and her alpha **** on call. By not showing her consequences or at least laying down boundaries except by getting hurt feelings, he has given her lifestyle his tacit approval. Either he has no self respect or he has secret video camaras set up around the house and the cuckold lifestyle is his guilty pleasure. I can't rule out number 2 because even the most ardent of doormats have their breaking point.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LeananSidhe said:


> I don’t know how many times (or if) he actually walked in on them. By “caught” I just meant that he found proof or whatever and confronted her and she admitted it. He knew that the OM was always with her and at their house when he wasn’t there. He had to have known the whole time though. It just kept happening over and over and she refused to stop contact with the OM. It was such a weird situation.


Maybe the husband was getting his also?
I'm guessing since he traveled it was a different chick every time he left town ...or at least one in every city?

The poor wife was stuck with the same boyfriend while the husband got a variety?

Can't really judge, but who knows? Either way the entire marriage was a sham...wasn't it?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> How would one even begin to try to reconcile that?


The real question you should be asking is WHY one would try to reconcile with that. Are you willing to be a shared wife? That's what he wants and expects. HE is king. You are the provider. Did your parents raise you to believe that's all you deserve?


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

the guy said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > I don’t know how many times (or if) he actually walked in on them. By “caught” I just meant that he found proof or whatever and confronted her and she admitted it. He knew that the OM was always with her and at their house when he wasn’t there. He had to have known the whole time though. It just kept happening over and over and she refused to stop contact with the OM. It was such a weird situation.
> ...


I know he had a short affair with a coworker many years ago. It was during the time that his wife was cheating with the OM. I seem to remember that he left the wife for a short time but he came back soon after. 
The OM wasn’t even the only guy she messed with. The reason we are no longer close is because she was telling me about how she befriended a happily married man with the intention of eventually seducing him. After that I distanced myself from her. 

That was years ago though. Her and her husband seem pretty happy. They post pictures all the time of trips they are taking together. It could just be “Facebook happy” and not real.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I know a person who was involved in a long term affair. He was divorced, she was married and had kids. The affair lasted for over 10 years. The husband knew pretty early on about the affair but would have gotten killed financially getting divorced and he just didn't care. She was gone all the time with lame excuses so she could be with affair partner, he was happy she wasn't home and out of his hair. 

She actually thought she was successfully keeping the affair a secret from husband. A few years before the last kid turned 18 he started protecting assets, his business etc. After child turned 18 he filed for divorce. She got very little and once she was a "free" woman the guy I know who was seeing her dumped her. He never wanted anything more than sex from her and a drinking buddy. He always told her he would never marry her but of course she never believed him because she was such a catch.....


----------



## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> I know he had a short affair with a coworker many years ago. It was during the time that his wife was cheating with the OM. I seem to remember that he left the wife for a short time but he came back soon after.
> The OM wasn’t even the only guy she messed with. The reason we are no longer close is because she was telling me about how she befriended a happily married man with the intention of eventually seducing him. After that I distanced myself from her.
> 
> That was years ago though. Her and her husband seem pretty happy. They post pictures all the time of trips they are taking together. It could just be “Facebook happy” and not real.


You "distanced" yourself from her yet you still have her as a friend on Facebook? That doesn't make much sense.



honcho said:


> I know a person who was involved in a long term affair. He was divorced, she was married and had kids. The affair lasted for over 10 years. The husband knew pretty early on about the affair but would have gotten killed financially getting divorced and he just didn't care. She was gone all the time with lame excuses so she could be with affair partner, he was happy she wasn't home and out of his hair.
> 
> She actually thought she was successfully keeping the affair a secret from husband. A few years before the last kid turned 18 he started protecting assets, his business etc. After child turned 18 he filed for divorce. She got very little and once she was a "free" woman the guy I know who was seeing her dumped her. He never wanted anything more than sex from her and a drinking buddy. He always told her he would never marry her but of course she never believed him because she was such a catch.....


What a smart man. The patience of a saint indeed. I'm glad he didn't get divorce raped. Too many men have fallen victim to that **** already. No need to add another to the list.


----------



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

turnera said:


> The real question you should be asking is WHY one would try to reconcile with that. Are you willing to be a shared wife? That's what he wants and expects. HE is king. You are the provider. Did your parents raise you to believe that's all you deserve?


Not me but unfortunately to someone I know yet am not really close to. It’s what sparked this discussion. I’ve thought the exact same thing as you as well.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

BruceBanner said:


> You "distanced" yourself from her yet you still have her as a friend on Facebook? That doesn't make much sense.


Yes. We used to be very close friends who would meet up occasionally to talk or go out together. She’s a lot older than me (I think she might be older than my mother) but she was fun to talk to. She was “wild and fun” to me when I was younger. She’d take me to sex toy parties and talk openly about sex. I was raised very conservative and religious so I was very intrigued. She’d show me naked pictures of herself. It was exciting.

But then I got older and more mature and realized that it was less exciting and more sad. 

We no longer have any “real” contact but she’s on my Facebook because I am still close with her children and we are both in some of the same groups.


----------



## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> I know he had a short affair with a coworker many years ago. It was during the time that his wife was cheating with the OM. I seem to remember that he left the wife for a short time but he came back soon after.
> The OM wasn’t even the only guy she messed with. The reason we are no longer close is because she was telling me about how she befriended a happily married man with the intention of eventually seducing him. After that I distanced myself from her.
> 
> That was years ago though. Her and her husband seem pretty happy. They post pictures all the time of trips they are taking together. It could just be “Facebook happy” and not real.


Then he's no better than her. Or maybe he was trying to find solace in another. I don't know. The point is he should have tossed her ass to the curb. She's a serial cheater. Trying to make a hoe a housewife always ends in disaster. Kudos to you for distancing yourself from her. I've learned that once one of them start to do it that when the other friends accept it then it can act as an acid on a marriage. As for the whole Social Media thing, I wouldn't buy in to that too much. Its been shown that those who post how 'happy' they are on social media are anything but happy in real life. Its a form of camouflage.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Spoons027 said:


> And not an on and off again affair; like a full-blown secondary relationship that could be mistaken for the primary relationship while the marriage could literally be regarded as the sham.
> 
> How would one even begin to try to reconcile that?


You DONT. Why would you? Your entire life is a LIE, what is there even to reconcile? When this happens, the cheating spouse isn't even someone you know and they thrive on deceit. Yuck.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Infidelity is only the tertiary problem ~ the dealbreaker here is abject betrayal and deception! Implement "the 180" right away!

Then get yourself to a good family attorney's office like yesterday and file for divorce on his chronically cheating a$$ and have them literally take it to the cleaners! *


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My dad had a friend who's wife was basically the town bicycle. She had numerous affairs over the years that I knew them. Even my high school football coach bragged about banging her. A couple years after I left home I heard from my dad that his friend died of some kind of mysterious malady. 

The dirt was still fresh on his grave when his widow moved a replacement husband into the house. 

She was a piece of work. What amazed me was how popular and well-liked she was. She wasn't one of those trailer park hos that the town despises and all the women guard their husbands from. This gal was actually considered a community leader and was well respected. 

I never got it. Still don't get it. But all small towns have people like this...people who just seem to be able to get away with anything.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Matthew 6:24 No one can serve two masters: Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Nope, even if you play the mental gymnastics....You still build resentment and become a callous jerk. I can see waiting till the kids are 18 and then moving on, with protections in place...My dad had a friend that did that. He sold all his personal belongings to friends and immediate family for a buck a piece. Then, divorced her. lol

Only paid child support, and split the house. WHICH WAS HUGE! But the funny thing is, when the exW was single, she had to move to a small condo with no yard. He waited like 5 years and then just built a new house and bought all his belongings back from his friends and family. lol


----------

