# Serious issues! Please Help!



## Lionel McClure (May 2, 2010)

Well, today is day 78 of my "rebirth" (recovery from painkiller addiction). I've been a much improved, loving, compassionate & affectionate, doting husband to my wife. I've been doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping & general all around upkeep around here on a reliable, regular basis. Additionally, I've been a much improved father to my daughter, as well. So then why is it that my wife cannot muster any kind of reciprocal way of demonstrating her appreciation for the "new me"? Instead, ANY time she is tired, cranky, has a bad day, feels ill...etc...I bear the brunt of it. She snaps at me, talks down to me, gets a snotty tone of voice toward me at even the most innocent of questions / requests. Sex, romance & intimacy / affection have all gone bye bye. In the rare instances when she actually does touch me, she succeeds in "working me up", then when I try & take things to the next level, "Oh, I was just playing around, I'm not REALLY in the mood or anything." And heaven forbid I lodge a complaint about ANY of this, because it then becomes situation where I'm calling her a "bad wife" & that she "sucks in bed". I can't win it seems. For our four year anniversary, I took the time & effort to at the very least get her a card. But she, however, did not. When confronted about why she didn't, she quipped "Are you serious?" Today, to top it all off, earlier this afternoon, she could not locate our duaghter's prescription bottle for her medication, which happens to be a narcotic...My wife actually asked me, "Did you take them?" "No." I replied. Understandably, I was hurt. Granted, there was a part of me that understood completely where she was coming from, given my history. But still... She ended up finding out that her pills had been attempted to be delivered by UPS, but I had not been home to sign for them. So, when she finally picked up on my body language & asked what was wrong, I said, "Don't you have something to say to me?" And in a rather obnoxious manner, she practically yelled, "What? Supposed to say sorry for saying you took the pills?" And when I tried to broach the idea of talking over WHATEVER it is that has been up with her of late, she storms away to go & mow the lawn. In conclusion, I simply can only say, "Ok...WHAT THE $#%& !!?" Some words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated here. Thanks...

"Lionel"


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

WOW. THis is one of those things that you have left many assumptions. Which is OK. But you speak of being addicted. Day 78 of being clean. First off, GREAT JOB! 

Now I am not justifying your wifes actions. BUT... I know there is always a but... How long did you have an addiction? How bad did it effect your family? There are a number of factors here.

So based on my ASSUMPTIONS... you may have dug a whole in your life because of addiction, that now you are scratching your way out, to a point that you are so focused on your recovery and your wife has not had time to recover from all the changes and problems that may have come with that. 

You are going to have patience with her as she did with you (She stayed with you through your addiction), You are going to have to be kind and find out the root of her problem. Take her out. Find out what changed. BE QUICK TO LISTEN... SLOW TO SPEAK. Do not get mad at what she says. Take it as her getting to the core of the problem. Maybe you will find out the real problem. That is a start.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Yes, there are a lot of assumptions to make based on your post.

Allow me to give you some insight from your wife's perspective. I have been there, in her shoes. I suffer from chronic back pain and take narcotics daily as a way to manage my pain. My husband abused my medications twice....a few years apart, without my knowledge. He was addicted.

Right now your wife is pissed. I don't know how long you were using, or where you were getting the prescriptions from, but you lied to your wife. Either all along, or at some point, you lied to your wife. I remember when my husband looked me straight in the eye and lied. He made me feel like sh*t for accusing him, and he lied straight to my face. That is something that, although forgiven, I will never, ever forget.

You have completely ruined the complete trust your wife once felt for you. You will never....I don't care how hard you work or how completely you turn around....you will never regain that 100% trust from her again. Your daughters prescription as an example....you will never be trustworthy around prescription narcotics. Accept that as a fact that you brought upon yourself. She will, in time, trust a little, but you will never regain that 100% trust standing with her that you once had.

You say it's been 78 days. Congratulations for that. I know how hard your journey is. But your wife has a journey too. And you cleaning the house and being attentive all of a sudden is not going to turn her on a dime. How many years did you abuse? Where did you get your pills? Were they hers, or your daughters? You have dumped layers and layers and layers of deceit upon your wife and she is hurt, pissed, angry, confused, unsure of herself, unsure of your marriage. YOU were the person she leaned on, trusted. And although we all make mistakes and should be forgiven, you didn't tear this apart in one day, in one month, in three months....and she will not forgive, and get over it in such time either.

Right now you need to be perfect. You don't get to get upset that she isn't warm and fuzzy to you right now. You don't get to be upset that she's dumping on you right now. You get to support her, stand by her and allow her to work through her issues with you in HER time. I don't believe you should have received an appology when she asked if you had taken the pills. That is the bed that you made, now lie in it.

I know I am being harsh, but this is the reality of the situation you caused. I would like to know where you got your pills, how long you abused, and when your wife found out?

It's going to be hard for you to put up with her BS. You see it as everything is over now, you're clean, you're doing what you are supposed to be doing, I assume you are sorry......well, now it's your wife's turn. Be perfect, be patient, and give her the time and space to deal and find her way back to you. Right now she doesn't even know if she can find her way back to you!


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## omar77 (May 10, 2010)

sincere advise be patient give her time and space to accept the new you and to insure you wont do this drug thing again and thank her for her support EVEN if she didn't show in return appreciation to you now some wounds only patience can cure them be nice to her trust me she LOVES you but she feels bad about all the situation if she accuse you tell her with a sad look no I would never do such a thing again ever and if she seemed not buying it ensure her thoughts by saying I can't blame you I understand how you feel I am sorry for what I did and just leave her and go do something else trust me in a matter of very short time she will start to be convinced that no matter how bad the situation is you're not going back for such things and that you appreciate her sacrifices that she made and not waiting for anything in return


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