# Her stuff is STILL here



## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

STBXW moved out about 3 months ago, and she only took her "most" of her clothes and personal items, but left her furniture, couch, tv, DVR, PS4, bed, chairs, table, art, etc. I've asked her a few times already, but she tells me sometime in July or August. I need to get new stuff, but her stuff is still here. Should I just move it all into a storage place and mail her the key? I also really do not want her to come back here (she seems pissed that I've not cancelled the divorce and begged her to come back - boo hoo hoo) with her mom, dad best friend, etc. and go through this and that. I even told her she can have all the wedding crap, except what I purchased with my own money. Should I just hire a moving company, pack all the crap up in nice boxes, move it to public storage and say here, it's all yours? I have a feeling that she'd come when SHE's ready, not when I am ready, and bring her army of dung with her. I just do not want it to be me vs them and have to call the cops in case we argue about something. 

It's been pretty cordial, I have a feeling this may change things.


P.S. Attorney said I can do this. Not sure if this is a good idea or not.
Ideas?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your attorney ok you moving her stuff to a storage unit, then do it. 

Right now you probably feel like you cannot move on because she is controlling your space by keeping her stuff there. So be proactive and remove her (by removing her stuff) from your home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and take an inventory, with photos of what you packing up for her. That way when you can put all that stuff on her side of the balance sheet for the divorce.

After you have the stuff in a storage unit, take pictures to prove it's condition.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl is spot on.

You should also explain the situation to the manager/owner of whatever storage complex you choose to use. I say that because, if you pay for X months of storage w/ the understanding that ownership of all of the stuff will revert to them once it hasn't been picked up after the time has elapsed, any sort of grievance that gets filed may ding your credit.

Maybe not, though. Either way, explain your situation to them in order to clarify terms.

Oh, and when you mail the key to her, send it via certified mail so that you'll be able to show that it was received.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yard sale!!!! Tell her you was robbed!!! >


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, if you pay a few months of the rental fee for the storage unit, include that amount in the divorce. She should have to reimburse you for the cost.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Yard sale!!!! Tell her you was robbed!!! >[/QUOTE
> 
> Thanks for the laugh :grin2::grin2:


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Maybe some people here can tell me if I need to get a climate controlled or non climate controlled unit. Also, do I need to have her bed wrapped in something so bugs do not get in it? How about her clothes? This is NY, and there is humidity. She also has furniture which is wood, and electronics. I just do not want this stuff to stop working or get ruined.

The other question is. Why would she leave her major stuff here for so long? I find it a bit weird that her stuff has been here for so long and I've not heard a peep from her. Do I notify her that I am moving her stuff into storage? 

Never did this before, so just trying to get my hands around everything. Yep, I will take pics and keep all receipts.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Also, if you pay a few months of the rental fee for the storage unit, include that amount in the divorce. She should have to reimburse you for the cost.


Plan too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Almost-Done said:


> Maybe some people here can tell me if I need to get a climate controlled or non climate controlled unit. Also, do I need to have her bed wrapped in something so bugs do not get in it? How about her clothes? This is NY, and there is humidity. She also has furniture which is wood, and electronics. I just do not want this stuff to stop working or get ruined.
> 
> The other question is. Why would she leave her major stuff here for so long? I find it a bit weird that her stuff has been here for so long and I've not heard a peep from her. Do I notify her that I am moving her stuff into storage?
> 
> Never did this before, so just trying to get my hands around everything. Yep, I will take pics and keep all receipts.


If you are concerned about the stuff, get a climate controlled place.

If you want to, you can pack things like her clothing in large plastic bags.. like garbage bags. Saves money on boxes and keeps things out of the clothing. I've even put the bags in a box and then put cloth items it them for that extra protection.

Does she have the funds to pay for a storage unit? Does she have anyplace where she can keep her stuff? If not, that might be why she's not in a rush to get them.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

She makes plenty of money, close to six figures. Since we have a Mint account, she's been spending like money is going out of style. She's living in a spare bedroom. She has the room for her clothes, but I think she just took her Spring clothes. We live around NYC. It doesn't take 3 + months to find a new place to live. It took me like a week last time I moved a few years ago. That is why I do not understand why she left her stuff here for this long. I am tired of seeing it day and day out. Some of the crap is so big, I cannot place it in another room. Just sick of it already.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I'd say go ahead with the climate controlled storage unit. Pay one month's rent for it, send her the key. If she doesn't show for her stuff, the storage unit folks can sell it.

I wouldn't place any stock or hope for the relationship in the fact that she hasn't shown up for her stuff. She may be "moved" on in her new situation and not want to face you or deal with getting her old stuff.

Best of luck to you.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

What is an STBXW? And more importantly, is it contagious?

It's noteworthy that you're concerned about her reaction here. When folks are done with each other, they usually don't care.

If you move it into storage, the issue of payment comes up. I'd think that's more unpleasant than writing her with a deadline to come over to get her stuff, and then letting her know that once that deadline passes, her stuff becomes unclaimed and you will discard them. Your not wanting her there sounds illogical to me, especially since things are cordial.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> EleGirl is spot on.
> 
> You should also explain the situation to the manager/owner of whatever storage complex you choose to use. I say that because, if you pay for X months of storage w/ the understanding that ownership of all of the stuff will revert to them once it hasn't been picked up after the time has elapsed, any sort of grievance that gets filed may ding your credit.
> 
> ...


Certified Mail is a Must. Pay for Return Receipt Requested at the bare minimum--so you can prove she received it and signed on paper that she did. Pay for Registered if you can afford it (I think it cost me $80 for Registered last time). Registered comes with sign off sheets for every employee who handles the package, so every minute of its time is accounted for.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Her stuff is still there because she operating on her timetable and not yours. Isn't she back at her parents? No room for all of it there. Maybe she's not ready to look for an apartment because she doesn't want that expense. Maybe she hopes you'll decide you can't live without her and she'll move back. Who knows what she thinks and why. It doesn't matter. The end result is the same -- her stuff is in your way. So get it out of your space so you can move on.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Unicus said:


> What is an STBXW? And more importantly, is it contagious?
> 
> It's noteworthy that you're concerned about her reaction here. When folks are done with each other, they usually don't care.
> 
> If you move it into storage, the issue of payment comes up. I'd think that's more unpleasant than writing her with a deadline to come over to get her stuff, and then letting her know that once that deadline passes, her stuff becomes unclaimed and you will discard them. Your not wanting her there sounds illogical to me, especially since things are cordial.


Soon to be X-Wife. I do not hate the woman, it's just we've grown apart and it's not working out. I am just tired of looking at her stuff waiting for her to pick it up. Not illogical, I just do not want to fight over things. Take all the crap and go. Her parents and I are not on good terms. It's just best to have all things out of here so I do not have to deal with any of them.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Her stuff is still there because she operating on her timetable and not yours. Isn't she back at her parents? No room for all of it there. Maybe she's not ready to look for an apartment because she doesn't want that expense. Maybe she hopes you'll decide you can't live without her and she'll move back. Who knows what she thinks and why. It doesn't matter. The end result is the same -- her stuff is in your way. So get it out of your space so you can move on.


Very true. I think she's in limbo in her mind. She has her crap here so she has the option to move back in or come by when she's ready. I gave it more than enough time to find a place. She's on easy street with her parents paying for everything. What's the rush in her mind? Since the attorney signed off on it, I will get things done. Just wanted to get other people's opinions.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are moving on and doing a great job at it. You don't need anymore interaction with her or the clan.

The faster you do this the better.

Good luck to your future.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It doesn't matter why, or what she is thinking. It's time for you to work on YOUR life....and moving on.

There are a few ways to do it. 

1. Pack it all up, photograph everything, create a written list....and mail her the key. Do not tell her in advance.

2. Send her a text....tell her that since she has been gone for 3 months that she has 30 days to pick up her belongings. Tell her that after 30 days you will just get rid of it. (You don't have to clarify. She doesn't get to approve your choices.) 

3. Do nothing and wait to see when she decides the plan. 

Let me just say....getting rid of her stuff is sooooooooo cathartic. If you have a garage, a basement, or a spare bedroom....start packing up all her crap anyway and storing it in the house. You can store her art, books, music, clothing, bathroom stuff....whatever you want. Pack up all the cutesy stuff that you don't care about. Take down all the pictures of the two of you, and the ones of her family. Then redecorate the spaces that you can. Paint the bedroom, buy new bedding, etc.... Make it yours. Make it NOT "ours". It makes a huge step forward mentally. 

Remember....it's really NOT about her any more. It's about YOU, and what you want your life to look like, what you want your space to look like and feel like. She exited. She doesn't get a vote anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you live in a house? Do her parents?

Maybe you could get one of those pods, pack it at your place and have it moved to her parent's driveway.... just a thought.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> It doesn't matter why, or what she is thinking. It's time for you to work on YOUR life....and moving on.
> 
> There are a few ways to do it.
> 
> ...


Ironically, I tried a few times to talk with her and invite her to discuss our issues. She's not sure or ready to meet or talk to me. I tried this when she was at the home for about a year, she wouldn't talk. I just feel we're too far apart or just have grown too far apart. One person cannot maintain a relationship. I must now throw in the towel and move her stuff out of my life. I was thinking of placing the items in the garage and I'd park outside, but the NY humidity and heat my ruin her stuff (warp the wood, electronics, etc.). That would not be the right thing to do. Thus, moving it to a climate controlled unit for a month or whenever she's ready to pick it up is a good idea. Besides, it's only like two blocks away from me. . I just need to pack up her clothes and the wedding stuff, put it in boxes, pictures and call a mover for the big stuff. I guess I have to wrap the bed in to something to protect it from bugs and crap too.

I've accepted the failure of this marriage and I am moving on with my life. With here stuff here, it's not good. It reminds me of her daily.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Do you live in a house? Do her parents?
> 
> Maybe you could get one of those pods, pack it at your place and have it moved to her parent's driveway.... just a thought.


Yes, I am in a house. Her parents live in a townhouse, so there is no way to leave a pod on her property. Plus, the heat and humidity would prob. warp the wood and fry the electronics. If it was the winter, that wouldn't be an issue. Guess I just waiting too long to move her stuff out.

I just want it out of the house. I do not ruin any of it. Anyone know what to wrap the bed in so bugs don't nest in it? I think she loves (loved) the bed more than me. LOL.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Almost-Done said:


> Yes, I am in a house. Her parents live in a townhouse, so there is no way to leave a pod on her property. Plus, the heat and humidity would prob. warp the wood and fry the electronics. If it was the winter, that wouldn't be an issue. Guess I just waiting too long to move her stuff out.
> 
> I just want it out of the house. I do not ruin any of it. Anyone know what to wrap the bed in so bugs don't nest in it? I think she loves (loved) the bed more than me. LOL.


If you go to a place like a U-Haul rental shop, they sell plastic bags to protect mattresses and box springs. You can also pick up a used card board packing boxes. If you have a garage, you could start by packing stuff boxes and stacking them in your garage. Then move it from there to a storage unit.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You'll get there. Just do it.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> If you go to a place like a U-Haul rental shop, they sell plastic bags to protect mattresses and box springs. You can also pick up a used card board packing boxes. If you have a garage, you could start by packing stuff boxes and stacking them in your garage. Then move it from there to a storage unit.


Yep, picked up some stuff today.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Already in process. Took apart her couch, bed set and TV stand. Moved all into another room so at least I do not have to look at it for the time being. Went to the furniture store and pickup some nice stuff at a nice discount. The new furniture will be here on Tuesday. Feels like a nice cleansing. 

Just working on making a crappy situation better for ME. Wow. To put me first... That hasn't happened in a while. LOL.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Oh, and take an inventory, with photos of what you packing up for her. That way when you can put all that stuff on her side of the balance sheet for the divorce.
> 
> After you have the stuff in a storage unit, take pictures to prove it's condition.


I agree

oh and be sure to use plenty of moth balls in the boxes and storage unit.

this will keep moths, mice, and snakes away

this will show you used do-diligence in trying to take care of her stuff.:wink2:

The down side it will smell for several months once unpacked:grin2:


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> Maybe some people here can tell me if I need to get a climate controlled or non climate controlled unit. *Also, do I need to have her bed wrapped in something so bugs do not get in it? How about her clothes? This is NY, and there is humidity.* She also has furniture which is wood, and electronics. I just do not want this stuff to stop working or get ruined.
> 
> The other question is. Why would she leave her major stuff here for so long? I find it a bit weird that her stuff has been here for so long and I've not heard a peep from her. Do I notify her that I am moving her stuff into storage?
> 
> Never did this before, so just trying to get my hands around everything. Yep, I will take pics and keep all receipts.


lots and lots of moth balls, I mean a lot:grin2:


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

What does your attorney say about this?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, you all are being WAY nice...I say bag all the sh!t and put it on the curb! Give her a day or two notice!


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

So.. Just to update. I decided to be a nice guy (need to work on this), and moved her crap in to another room. Just came over on the 4th to pick up some stuff. She walked in and turned red. Started ranting and raving, cussing and saying I was a piece of sh!t, no good, person. All because I moved her stuff into another room. Continued to call me names, making fun of my family, etc. I was calm cool and collected. She then left. The woman is nuts. She's been texting me all morning now and trying to be "nice" Hopping that I no longer have any bitterness to her. I said I am fine and let's just let sleeping dogs lie. She asked to come over again next weekend with her wonderful mother. I said, if you behave, no problem. A neighbor of mine is a police officer. I asked him to have a couple of cops here in case she she and her mother are uncontrollable next weekend. 

The woman is nuts.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I somehow think that you're being too nice about this. I would take your lawyer's advice and put her stuff in storage.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I somehow think that you're being too nice about this. I would take your lawyer's advice and put her stuff in storage.


I know. It will be over in a few days. Trying to be amicable. Lawyer's process server will be calling her after she moves all the crap out. She'll be served in a week. Done and done. I feel bad about the situation, but this marriage has been a disaster. I feel she's a wolf in sheep's clothing..

What a mistake..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You should tell her this is the last trip she gets to get all her crap out. Otherwise she will just keep trickling in.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> You should tell her this is the last trip she gets to get all her crap out. Otherwise she will just keep trickling in.


This is the last time. She's bringing "family" to help. It should be a fun day. 0.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are not being too nice. What you are doing is taking the high road. That's good.

After her display, do not ever be alone in your home or anywhere else with her again. I agree that having the cops there is a very good idea. If you cannot get the cops, have other people there. You need witnesses and a buffer.

If I were you I would also have a VAR and even hidden video cam or two running if/when she comes over.

Alternatively, after that display, most her stuff to storage and send her a key. Tell her that she is not allowed in your home.

I'm serious. She sounds volatile and very unreasonable.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

almost.done said:


> This is the last time. She's bringing "family" to help. It should be a fun day. 0.


You want these folks traipsing through your house? Having to monitor what they take out to make sure they don't make off with anything that catches their eye?

Brother, if it was me the storage facility option would sure be looking good.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You are not being too nice. What you are doing is taking the high road. That's good.
> 
> After her display, do not ever be alone in your home or anywhere else with her again. I agree that having the cops there is a very good idea. If you cannot get the cops, have other people there. You need witnesses and a buffer.
> 
> ...


Certainly trying to take the high road. She doesn't know the cops will be here. Since they are off duty, they are only peace officers, however, should anything go wrong, the cops will be called and that is why they are going to be here. Not taking any chances. I think it's her mother and father coming. I will be placing a VAR in both rooms she'll be in just in case. 

I know, the atty, also said I am too nice. I have it in an e-mail him giving me permission to drop her stuff at the storage facility; should she act up.

Yes, she hasn't been reasonable for a long long time. I guess this is my true wife. One could say I dodged a bullet when she stopped being intimate with me and refused IVF for our future children. Again, I was trying anything to keep us together. I see now, this would had been even worse if we had a disagreement on something really serious.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

GorillaT said:


> You want these folks traipsing through your house? Having to monitor what they take out to make sure they don't make off with anything that catches their eye?
> 
> Brother, if it was me the storage facility option would sure be looking good.


I will have two off-duty cops here with VARs and possibly a camera in the room. However, I locked all other rooms and moved all my stuff out of those rooms as well. In addition, my copy friends will be around them from time to time. They are expecting me to be by myself or with my brother, not total strangers (to them).

I guess, if I always have to be one step ahead of my wife, it would had never worked out in the long run anyway. :frown2:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I have a friend who went through this with a boyfriend who moved out, and would 'refuse' to pick all of his stuff up. She soon realized it was so he could always just have a reason to 'stay in touch' with her. She wised up and told him he had 30 days to come for it, or she was throwing it out. He came for it, she left it on the porch (he didn't have as much stuff as your stbx) and that was that.

So, her situation sort of showed me that people leave their stuff like this, in order to still have a foot in their soon-to-be ex's life. I like the storage unit idea.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

almost.done said:


> This is the last time. She's bringing "family" to help. It should be a fun day. 0.


Not trying to badger you, but have you directly stated this to her or are you assuming that she understands this? Don't think that just because she is bringing people with their that she will be prepared to take everything.

Be cautious of "no more room in the car" type of shenanigans. If you haven't already, I would make it absolutely, positively, irreversibly clear that any thing left after the next (and last) visit will be left at the curb. I would probably do this in writing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

almost.done said:


> Certainly trying to take the high road. She doesn't know the cops will be here. Since they are off duty, they are only peace officers, however, should anything go wrong, the cops will be called and that is why they are going to be here. Not taking any chances. I think it's her mother and father coming. I will be placing a VAR in both rooms she'll be in just in case.
> 
> I know, the atty, also said I am too nice. I have it in an e-mail him giving me permission to drop her stuff at the storage facility; should she act up.
> 
> Yes, she hasn't been reasonable for a long long time. I guess this is my true wife. One could say I dodged a bullet when she stopped being intimate with me and refused IVF for our future children. Again, I was trying anything to keep us together. I see now, this would had been even worse if we had a disagreement on something really serious.


When she comes to your place, which is really her place too by law, she will have every right legally to go through every room, every closet, every drawer. All she has to tell the cops is that there is more stuff in the other rooms that is hers. If she takes stuff from what you think it your stuff, the cops probably have to let her take it.

I know of people that this happened to. One thing that the cops do when there is a disagreement is to tell the person still living in the house to just leave. That way the other person can get their things. This works well when the one who is still living in the house is being an ass hat. It will not work well in your situation.

See, it's a reasonable argument on her part that you have no right to decide what of all your jointly owned stuff belongs to her or what does not belong to her. So they are going to let her take just about anything she wants.

Seriously man, take her stuff and put it in a storage unit. You will still be the good guy, taking the high road if you do that. But you will be avoiding a lot of ugly stuff that could go down.

If you don't move it, then you are really asking for a lot of drama. Is that your intent?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

almost.done said:


> I will have two off-duty cops here with VARs and possibly a camera in the room. However, I locked all other rooms and moved all my stuff out of those rooms as well. In addition, my copy friends will be around them from time to time. They are expecting me to be by myself or with my brother, not total strangers (to them).
> 
> I guess, if I always have to be one step ahead of my wife, it would had never worked out in the long run anyway. :frown2:


Does she still get mail at the place where you live?

If the rooms are empty, then why keep them locked? If she asks for you to open the rooms, you will probably have to.

Where did you move all of your stuff to?


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> Not trying to badger you, but have you directly stated this to her or are you assuming that she understands this? Don't think that just because she is bringing people with their that she will be prepared to take everything.
> 
> Be cautious of "no more room in the car" type of shenanigans. If you haven't already, I would make it absolutely, positively, irreversibly clear that any thing left after the next (and last) visit will be left at the curb. I would probably do this in writing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She said she's just "packing things". She has professional movers coming the day after.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Does she still get mail at the place where you live?
> 
> If the rooms are empty, then why keep them locked? If she asks for you to open the rooms, you will probably have to.
> 
> Where did you move all of your stuff to?


No, the mail was transferred to her parent's home two months ago. I was only locking my room. She's never been in there, so there is no reason why she needs to go into them. I have no problem opening the rooms for her, just I do not want her and her parents snooping and looking around.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> When she comes to your place, which is really her place too by law, she will have every right legally to go through every room, every closet, every drawer. All she has to tell the cops is that there is more stuff in the other rooms that is hers. If she takes stuff from what you think it your stuff, the cops probably have to let her take it.
> 
> I know of people that this happened to. One thing that the cops do when there is a disagreement is to tell the person still living in the house to just leave. That way the other person can get their things. This works well when the one who is still living in the house is being an ass hat. It will not work well in your situation.
> 
> ...


The home was pre-marital and was purchased with my parents over ten years ago. I do not think she can have me removed. My atty stated I have to allow her reasonable access. He okay'd the storage unit idea, however, I'd be responsible for any things that are missing or broken. Thus, I thought this would be the best idea.

If I have to call the cops, then I will. However, if she forces that issue, then, I will have all others arrested for trespassing; which I can do. I only have to allow her reasonable access, not her family.

I hope it doesn't come to that. With strangers here (the off-duty cops) I do not see that happening. I feel they will be on their best behavior. 

I'm not rich. I am just trying to get through this as unscathed as possible, financially an emotionally. If I moved all her crap and she said this, that and the other thing was missing, I am legally responsible for it. It would had been just another mess.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

almost.done said:


> The home was pre-marital and was purchased with my parents over ten years ago. I do not think she can have me removed. My atty stated I have to allow her reasonable access. He okay'd the storage unit idea, however, I'd be responsible for any things that are missing or broken. Thus, I thought this would be the best idea.
> 
> If I have to call the cops, then I will. However, if she forces that issue, then, I will have all others arrested for trespassing; which I can do. I only have to allow her reasonable access, not her family.
> 
> ...


Your creating excuses to not do the best less stressful for everyone route. The storage unit is that. She can claim stuff is broken, missing at the house too. 

She is going to bring people, you will have people and it will quickly become a potential pressure cooker. She will almost certainly not be able to get everything which happens all the time so she can make you play this circus all over again. 

Having the police on hand, police loath having to deal with these situations. You can tell yourself your legally responsible is she claims something is missing but she also has to legally prove it existed to start with.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

honcho said:


> Your creating excuses to not do the best less stressful for everyone route. The storage unit is that. She can claim stuff is broken, missing at the house too.
> 
> She is going to bring people, you will have people and it will quickly become a potential pressure cooker. She will almost certainly not be able to get everything which happens all the time so she can make you play this circus all over again.
> 
> Having the police on hand, police loath having to deal with these situations. You can tell yourself your legally responsible is she claims something is missing but she also has to legally prove it existed to start with.


So confused. I was told to keep things amicable so she'll not drag the divorce out. She's coming on Sat., movers coming on Sun. There is little I can do now but just stay out of her and parents way in terms of moving things out. Just get her out of there as quickly as possible.

I do not think she'll act like a wacko with her parents there. She's always been on her best behavior in the presence of her parents. My people are there not only to protect me, but to ensure everything is as neutral as possible for both of us. Not trying to get one up on her, just trying to get her out of here. This is NY, I do not think with a wife who's not been here for nearly four months and changed her USPS address, she can have me removed from my residence (which is premarital and in my parents and my name) so she can get her crap. One of the cops came over today to see how I was doing. He even said, if she wants the coffee maker, just let her take it. It's not worth the fight. I will be as peaceful and out of their ways as possible. 

Now I think I know why divorce is like a war. Even when one tries to be nice and fair, you can still get sc*wed over.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I'd put everything of hers in 1-2 rooms by itself, with none of my stuff. I'd lock all other rooms and have my cop neighbor buddy by to hang out and 'help hold doors if needed'. We'll all just read that as being a solid witness later if needed.

I'd also see if they couldn't just all come on Sunday.


```
Dear Whacko,

To make things easier, if at all possible, come by only on Sunday - 1 hour ahead of the movers. Be prepared to remain and witness the removal of your belongings as this is not my responsibility.

It is preferable that we address this once in as brief a manner as possible.

Thanks
```
When my ex moved out she wanted to do multiple drop by trips to load out. I squashed it. It's a game. I offered her lawyer 3 dates to choose from. They gave me a date and I offered 8-12 or 1-4. Just like the cable company. I put boxes in each room enough to cover most her items in those rooms. With the help of a few friends of mine we followed with a camera phone and went room by room with one of my people with me at all times. The other 2 helped watch her helpers. She was pissed. Mostly because I squashed her control of the situation. The last thing to go out pissed her off more. We had 4 plastic bins of CDs and 2 more of DVDs. I had them on the porch the night before. As they were wrapping up I popped the lids. Pointed and said... 'They all look evenly full. Orders say half to you and half to me. Grab your 2 CD buckets and 1 with DVDs.' she was determined to go through and pick what she wanted.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Malpheous said:


> I'd put everything of hers in 1-2 rooms by itself, with none of my stuff. I'd lock all other rooms and have my cop neighbor buddy by to hang out and 'help hold doors if needed'. We'll all just read that as being a solid witness later if needed.
> 
> I'd also see if they couldn't just all come on Sunday.
> 
> ...


That is basically what I've done and she went nuts that I touched her stuff and moved it into three rooms. She's got a lot of junk... err... stuff. Cursing name calling, etc. She threw a tantrum. She has big stuff too, so the movers are coming the next day. The cops said, if necessary, they'd stop by the next day as well. 

I can tell you the chances of me agreeing to let anyone else move in to my place in the future is slim. I feel I am being treated like a prisoner in my own home. I should had just moved her crap into a storage facility. So much for being the nice dude. Feels like being a nice dud instead.

Here's the weird part, she texted me this morning, it's plain to see you've moved on and treat our marriage as a failure. Not everyone can be unemotional as you in a time like this. 

I swear, I think she wanted me to beg and plead for "us". Last time I checked, marriage is a two way street. During the separation, she wouldn't meet with me. What else was I supposed to do? Cry and beg for her forgiveness and love? For what, I still do not even know what I did to change her opinion of me. I feel like a loser right now. I big f*cken loser. I should had known better. The marriage, really never seemed on stable ground, but I was fighting for it. Perhaps too much. She did at some parts, but that died pretty fast. So upsetting.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> That is basically what I've done and she went nuts that I touched her stuff and moved it into three rooms. She's got a lot of junk... err... stuff. Cursing name calling, etc. She threw a tantrum. She has big stuff too, so the movers are coming the next day. The cops said, if necessary, they'd stop by the next day as well.
> 
> I can tell you the chances of me agreeing to let anyone else move in to my place in the future is slim. I feel I am being treated like a prisoner in my own home. I should had just moved her crap into a storage facility. So much for being the nice dude. Feels like being a nice dud instead.
> 
> ...


In general terms this is common and part of the deflection to avoid looking at the demise of the marriage. Despite your intentions, you won't be the nice guy, you pack the stuff for them your forcing them out, you want to discuss dividing assets you never wanted the marriage and the list goes on and on.

It's a no win game and it's best not to play as everything gets spun. 

In my crazy ex move out was an extreme example and not the norm but it took months and months for her to get a portion of the items she wanted. My ex was a hoarder so the volume of junk was mind boggling. First arrange date to pick up items she blew off so her boxes I had packed laid in the driveway for 3 weeks till she found time to pick them up. 

Second time she wanted the junk was 8 months later and no warning she showed up with the police at 5 in the morning rousting me out of bed. She had told the cops I was denying her the items when I had been begging her lawyer for months to pick stuff up. She went ballistic when I had the entire garage packed with boxes. When I informed the cops how long this had been going on they were more than a tad upset they were played by her. 

She wanted to walk thru the house and cherry pick what she wanted, the police told her no. Spent the next hour watching her friends grab boxes out of the garage and listened to the cops complain about wasting time humoring "damsels" in distress. 

So I got no sleep, cops wasted time, crazy girl got a drama filled morning and 2 trucks packed tight with Christmas ornaments and i had a house still fI'll of junk. I should have rented storage units and removed everything in the beginning but I played nice helpful guy who didn't want to rock the boat and it burned me.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

honcho said:


> In general terms this is common and part of the deflection to avoid looking at the demise of the marriage. Despite your intentions, you won't be the nice guy, you pack the stuff for them your forcing them out, you want to discuss dividing assets you never wanted the marriage and the list goes on and on.
> 
> It's a no win game and it's best not to play as everything gets spun.
> 
> ...


I just hope the cops are not called. They'd be called by me, not her I believe. Again, this is why I have cops here to basically protect me and my stuff. They told me I can put my stuff in a room and lock it. I am not fighting on anything that was bought or given as a gift. She can have it all. We both have leases, so I do not think that is a asset, it's a liability. I am not damning myself that I didn't move it into the units. Much less hassle. However, I still believe she'd come by, guaranteed with the cops and still go through the home. I am not concerned about this weekend. I do not think I'll get any sleep.

This should be a warning for any man or woman who gets married, not too. It's just not worth the headache. Benicio del Toro had it right about marriage. "Why should I get married, so I can prepare for divorce?"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Almost-Done said:


> That is basically what I've done and she went nuts that I touched her stuff and moved it into three rooms. She's got a lot of junk... err... stuff. Cursing name calling, etc. She threw a tantrum. She has big stuff too, so the movers are coming the next day. The cops said, if necessary, they'd stop by the next day as well.
> 
> I can tell you the chances of me agreeing to let anyone else move in to my place in the future is slim. I feel I am being treated like a prisoner in my own home. I should had just moved her crap into a storage facility. So much for being the nice dude. Feels like being a nice dud instead.


You seem to think that moving her stuff to a storage unit = 'not nice dude".

Avoiding creating situations that can become volatile is a very good (nice) thing to do. Moving her stuff to storage is being a good guy, because you are protecting her stuff for her and you are avoiding a volatile situation.

But you chose to do what you have done. That's also being a good guy because, again, you are protecting her stuff and letting her get it. It could become volatile. She could ask the police to get you and your friends out of the house while she packs her stuff. This is the situation that you chose. It's volatile and not it's not 'nicer' than putting her stuff in storage.

Hopefully it will go just fine. I hope it does and that all his worry is for naught. 



Almost-Done said:


> Here's the weird part, she texted me this morning, it's plain to see you've moved on and treat our marriage as a failure. Not everyone can be unemotional as you in a time like this.
> 
> I swear, I think she wanted me to beg and plead for "us". Last time I checked, marriage is a two way street. During the separation, she wouldn't meet with me. What else was I supposed to do? Cry and beg for her forgiveness and love? For what, I still do not even know what I did to change her opinion of me. I feel like a loser right now. I big f*cken loser. I should had known better. The marriage, really never seemed on stable ground, but I was fighting for it. Perhaps too much. She did at some parts, but that died pretty fast. So upsetting.


She probably does want you to beg, cry, etc. Just tell her that you respect her decision to move on. She made the choice. So you are dealing with it. Put it back on her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Almost-Done said:


> This should be a warning for any man or woman who gets married, not too. It's just not worth the headache. Benicio del Toro had it right about marriage. "Why should I get married, so I can prepare for divorce?"


That's just silly. A lot of people get married and do just fine.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> Here's the weird part, she texted me this morning, it's plain to see you've moved on and treat our marriage as a failure. Not everyone can be unemotional as you in a time like this.
> 
> I swear, I think she wanted me to beg and plead for "us". Last time I checked, marriage is a two way street. During the separation, she wouldn't meet with me. What else was I supposed to do? Cry and beg for her forgiveness and love? For what, I still do not even know what I did to change her opinion of me. I feel like a loser right now. I big f*cken loser. I should had known better. The marriage, really never seemed on stable ground, but I was fighting for it. Perhaps too much. She did at some parts, but that died pretty fast. So upsetting.



Bruddah - My ex had affairs. When confronted she filed a BS TRO on me and had me out of the house a few days. My house. Not ours. Not hers. She dropped the TRO walking into court. Judge told her to be moved out in 7 days. I offered 14, if needed, to show the court I was willing to work with her and was reasonable. Temp custody in place. 30 days later we appear for a review on the temp custody. I served her the divorce papers on the court steps. She appeared genuinely shocked and ranted about how I was so unwilling to work on "us" and fix things. I asked her which "us" she meant. Her, me and guy 1, 2, 3 or 4? She wasn't very calm or collected in court that day, oddly.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Malpheous said:


> Bruddah - My ex had affairs. When confronted she filed a BS TRO on me and had me out of the house a few days. My house. Not ours. Not hers. She dropped the TRO walking into court. Judge told her to be moved out in 7 days. I offered 14, if needed, to show the court I was willing to work with her and was reasonable. Temp custody in place. 30 days later we appear for a review on the temp custody. I served her the divorce papers on the court steps. She appeared genuinely shocked and ranted about how I was so unwilling to work on "us" and fix things. I asked her which "us" she meant. Her, me and guy 1, 2, 3 or 4? She wasn't very calm or collected in court that day, oddly.


Sorry to hear you had to go through that. She was definitely not fair in the way she treated you. She doesn't have a lawyer yet, so I do not think she can do the TRO at this time. She's not a vindictive woman, just hates her life and wants every one to share in her pain.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Today went okay. She was all over the place, and got little done. She tried to get another day to move. I said no. I sad you have month's to come and do this. She said when, you're never home. After work? Other days were offered. I am tired after work. Sorry. Come early tomorrow before the moves then. She also got into an argument with one of the off-duty cops (she didn't know they're cops). It calmed down when her parents came into the fray. I said she's cursing and demanding left and right. They both said no, not our baby girl. We all looked at each other as she was silent in the back.

She spent hours just fumbling and not doing much. Had an attitude all the time. I said we will help, what do you need. Nothing. She then started to tear; which is an oddity, as she doesn't cry.. Ever. She said she's emotional and we're going through divorce. I just walked away and said, life is what you make of it and everything happens for a reason. She came up from what she was doing and her shirt had water spots of tears as well as on her thighs. It was heartbreaking. I kept my cool, but it's killing me inside in seeing her like this. I am not a person who wants to hurt her or make her pay. She looks absolutely lost in life as it crumbles day by day. I am telling you, I had no join in this. I may had been smiling and joking with the guys, but watching her so bewildered was very hard. The kicker is I doubt she has even told herself, let alone her parents the truth on why things are the way they are. I can list them here, but it's just regurgitating the past as I've done in other threads. 

I've tried everything to save our marriage. Everything. She blocked me from going with her to counseling, working on us, talking, reading books on relationships, etc. If you name it, I've tried it. She will not participate. Did she think I was not going to move forward? I was just going to take the disrespect and being treated like crap over and over again. Two people have to work at a marriage in order for it to work. It seems she checked out long ago, but didn't want to leave until she's ready. I hastened this a bit, and she's not happy about it.

All in all, I hate seeing her in pain, but in turn, it just wasn't working. While I still feel we may had been able to fix things if we talked, now, it's just too late for me. I've seen the other side of her. Which is the true side?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad that today was sort of ok. 

Will your friends be there tomorrow when she comes?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> Today went okay. She was all over the place, and got little done. She tried to get another day to move. I said no. I sad you have month's to come and do this. She said when, you're never home. After work? Other days were offered. I am tired after work. Sorry. Come early tomorrow before the moves then. She also got into an argument with one of the off-duty cops (she didn't know they're cops). It calmed down when her parents came into the fray. I said she's cursing and demanding left and right. They both said no, not our baby girl. We all looked at each other as she was silent in the back.
> 
> She spent hours just fumbling and not doing much. Had an attitude all the time. I said we will help, what do you need. Nothing. She then started to tear; which is an oddity, as she doesn't cry.. Ever. She said she's emotional and we're going through divorce. I just walked away and said, life is what you make of it and everything happens for a reason. She came up from what she was doing and her shirt had water spots of tears as well as on her thighs. It was heartbreaking. I kept my cool, but it's killing me inside in seeing her like this. I am not a person who wants to hurt her or make her pay. She looks absolutely lost in life as it crumbles day by day. I am telling you, I had no join in this. I may had been smiling and joking with the guys, but watching her so bewildered was very hard. The kicker is I doubt she has even told herself, let alone her parents the truth on why things are the way they are. I can list them here, but it's just regurgitating the past as I've done in other threads.
> 
> ...


Isn't this moving episode a microcosm of your relationship, your stbx had no plan, avoided and delayed as much as she could and hoped this would somehow just get done by itself without any effort from her. 

In the beginning before my ex filed for divorce she would come over wanting to get items yet she would spend hours at the house and only collect a box or two worth of items which could have been done in five minutes. I'd ask her if she wanted to talk and her answer was always "not now". Ask if she needed help and it was "don't touch my stuff" it drove me nuts.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I'm glad that today was sort of ok.
> 
> Will your friends be there tomorrow when she comes?


They have to work today, so no. The mother and father yesterday tried to keep the peace. She was very well behaved around either parent and towards the end, she and I were able to talk civilly alone. I am not sure of that was because my people where upstairs or because I was not putting up with her tactics to insight an emotional response from me. I was told, any problems, call the cops or just threaten to call the cops and they'd / she'd calm down. As her parents (and maybe she also) knows that the NY cops will not get involved and escort her and her parents off the property. As legally, I do not have to allow her to take the wedding stuff, yet, I am giving all of it to her in order to try and avoid any issues with a smooth divorce. I am not petty and taking the higher road. It's a very hard road to maintain. Her parents were very careful in opening and closing cabinet doors. Her, slamming things left and right. When she was bring up a suitcase, which was empty, she would purposelessly hit the steps hard and loud to try and elicit a response from me. None given. There were a few loud bangs and I checked to make sure she's okay, but that was it. Truly a strange and immature way to behave. I just hope she'll be okay mentally over time. Her mental stability is of concern to me now that she'll be living alone w/o her parents or friends. I hope she doesn't do something stupid.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

honcho said:


> Isn't this moving episode a microcosm of your relationship, your stbx had no plan, avoided and delayed as much as she could and hoped this would somehow just get done by itself without any effort from her.
> 
> In the beginning before my ex filed for divorce she would come over wanting to get items yet she would spend hours at the house and only collect a box or two worth of items which could have been done in five minutes. I'd ask her if she wanted to talk and her answer was always "not now". Ask if she needed help and it was "don't touch my stuff" it drove me nuts.


Sadly, very true. She doesn't plan ahead and waits until the last minute for everything. One thing she'd become after moving in with me was extremely lazy. I've never seen someone so lazy before in my life. My STBXW was initially very similar to your wife in terms of her stuff. She gave me permission (have it on voice recorder) to clean and pack up some of her stuff. One whole closet, 10x10, which she stared at for nearly 2 hours was completed by me in just over an hour. Boxed, labeled, and sealed. Again, I do not know what the big deal is with the packing. She's upset with the failure of the marriage and now know it's final? Well, she was given multiple opportunities over the last 1 + to work on US. She declined each and every one of them. What am I supposed to do, wait until she's ready to make a move? Sorry, it doesn't work that way; at least for me. I cannot tell you how many different things I've tried. The therapist said our connection is gone, it can come back during the divorce procedure when she revisits her mistakes, but chances are, it will go again. She's unstable. I have to let her go, I really do not want to, but for my own sanity and well being, I have no other choice. This is one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life, and I honestly hate doing this. I so wish she would had worked with me in repairing our marriage. I do not get why she didn't. If she cared so much about US and she's so emotional (as she's stated many times of the past 90 days), why not try? Wife, would you like to do something? No, not yet. Wife, would you like to get a bite to eat? No, not ready. This went on for a half of dozen or so times. What other choices were open for me when the spouse puts ZERO effort in?


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

To further my replies, I really do not understand my wife's movements in our marriage. She's always told me her life's dream was to have a loving family. I offered her this, and she shunned it repeatedly. She had issues getting pregnant, kind of hard if she has not interest in sex. But, I am a team player, so I said let's go to a fertility clinic. Made the appointment's, but she refused to allow me to come. She was given a referral, said she couldn't afford the fees. No problem, I will help you for our family. She said no, me and my parents will pay, you do not need to worry. ??? She never went. She said she's scared of the tests on her body and eggs. She blames herself for waiting too long (I've been chasing her for well over two years). I then offered surrogacy, IVF, adoption, etc. She snapped back and said she wants to carry her own baby to term. Yet, again, she will not get the tests. She is also concerned about the cancer possibilities due to the drugs. Of course, this is all my fault. It's my fault I met her at the end of her 30's. It's my fault that she will not get the tests. It's my fault if she gets cancer (which is highly improbable). She's reading too much online on misinformation. Over the past four years, she thought she has lupus, scleroderma, and a host of other things. All were negative except for laziness. Still, I stood by her, but it was no use. She started to get worse and worse. Stopped helping around the house, going out, traveling, spending time together (she was mostly sleeping), going to counseling together (I was blocked), and the list goes on. 

I just do not understand her rationale. She's doing everything to sabotage her "dream". Why? She doesn't answer me when I asked her. It seemed, even the threat of divorce and separation has not swayed her. Would you believe, in January, I was with her parents and her. I overheard her with her father (he didn't hear). The mother asked if you are so unhappy, why do you stay in this marriage? She said, well, I am miserable, but at least with him (me), I know what I am getting. I'd rather be miserable and with him, then miserable and alone. When I am strong enough and ready, I will leave on my own terms.    I swear, it felt like I knife right through my heart. I get emotional just writing about it. I just wish I knew why and how. How we ended up this way. Why wouldn't you work with me on fixing our marriage?

I guess, I will never know. I'd probably never see her again after today. So sad..


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She may say she wanted a family but the truth is she really didn't or she would have done what was necessary to make it happen. She liked the idea but not the reality. Being a parent is definitely not all fun and games. You generally have to put your family's needs before your own. I don't see her stepping up to any of that. Be glad it didn't work. Same with your marriage. She's a self-absorbed person who has no interest in growing up and taking on her share of responsibility. She would have continued to make your life hell. 

You need to work on your nice-guy tendencies before your next relationship so that you don't end up with another one just like her.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> To further my replies, I really do not understand my wife's movements in our marriage. She's always told me her life's dream was to have a loving family. I offered her this, and she shunned it repeatedly. She had issues getting pregnant, kind of hard if she has not interest in sex. But, I am a team player, so I said let's go to a fertility clinic. Made the appointment's, but she refused to allow me to come. She was given a referral, said she couldn't afford the fees. No problem, I will help you for our family. She said no, me and my parents will pay, you do not need to worry. ??? She never went. She said she's scared of the tests on her body and eggs. She blames herself for waiting too long (I've been chasing her for well over two years). I then offered surrogacy, IVF, adoption, etc. She snapped back and said she wants to carry her own baby to term. Yet, again, she will not get the tests. She is also concerned about the cancer possibilities due to the drugs. Of course, this is all my fault. It's my fault I met her at the end of her 30's. It's my fault that she will not get the tests. It's my fault if she gets cancer (which is highly improbable). She's reading too much online on misinformation. Over the past four years, she thought she has lupus, scleroderma, and a host of other things. All were negative except for laziness. Still, I stood by her, but it was no use. She started to get worse and worse. Stopped helping around the house, going out, traveling, spending time together (she was mostly sleeping), going to counseling together (I was blocked), and the list goes on.
> 
> I just do not understand her rationale. She's doing everything to sabotage her "dream". Why? She doesn't answer me when I asked her. It seemed, even the threat of divorce and separation has not swayed her. Would you believe, in January, I was with her parents and her. I overheard her with her father (he didn't hear). The mother asked if you are so unhappy, why do you stay in this marriage? She said, well, I am miserable, but at least with him (me), I know what I am getting. I'd rather be miserable and with him, then miserable and alone. When I am strong enough and ready, I will leave on my own terms.    I swear, it felt like I knife right through my heart. I get emotional just writing about it. I just wish I knew why and how. How we ended up this way. Why wouldn't you work with me on fixing our marriage?
> 
> I guess, I will never know. I'd probably never see her again after today. So sad..


You probably will never know because she is unwilling to deal with her own issues let alone a marriage. She probably like so many people do in the beginning have the white picket fence in the suburbs picture of marriage and we all underestimate the work involved to make a marriage successful. 

My ex because of tumors and several surgeries was told by many doctors to never attempt having kids. This happened early in our marriage yet at the end it was "my fault" we didn't have kids. In general terms guys can only guess as to how that affects a woman but I do believe it affects them more than they tell us. 

The laziness, mystery illnesses and inability to see her own issues all point to depression. Once in depression many times this becomes the natural state for them, the new normal for them so to speak. They find more and more reasons/excuses to stay in that world. If she can't begin to fix herself she can't work on a marriage


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Almost-Done said:


> Maybe some people here can tell me if I need to get a climate controlled or non climate controlled unit. Also, do I need to have her bed wrapped in something so bugs do not get in it? How about her clothes? This is NY, and there is humidity. She also has furniture which is wood, and electronics. I just do not want this stuff to stop working or get ruined.
> 
> The other question is. Why would she leave her major stuff here for so long? I find it a bit weird that her stuff has been here for so long and I've not heard a peep from her. Do I notify her that I am moving her stuff into storage?
> 
> Never did this before, so just trying to get my hands around everything. Yep, I will take pics and keep all receipts.


I'm sure she has no place to put the larger items. Yes, she too could get a storage unit. But that means she has to deal with it [at least twice]. 

She is between two realities, as are you. Her priorities are not the furniture and memorabilia.

That is HER problem, not yours. Oh! but it is your problem!

Solve this equation...and the problem is solved....and gone.

Next problem....not.....Please.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Almost-Done said:


> STBXW moved out about 3 months ago, and she only took her "most" of her clothes and personal items, but left her furniture, couch, tv, DVR, PS4, bed, chairs, table, art, etc.


I understand.

When you wed, your Marriage is initially a void that you fill.

You fill it with yourselves, memories, mementos, solid objects like houses, furniture, paintings, clothing and of most value...children.

This fleshes out your Marriage.

When that Marriage fails, it still stands, albeit limply, until all structures are removed.

Her stuff has to go!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are the movers coming today?


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Openminded said:


> She may say she wanted a family but the truth is she really didn't or she would have done what was necessary to make it happen. She liked the idea but not the reality. Being a parent is definitely not all fun and games. You generally have to put your family's needs before your own. I don't see her stepping up to any of that. Be glad it didn't work. Same with your marriage. She's a self-absorbed person who has no interest in growing up and taking on her share of responsibility. She would have continued to make your life hell.
> 
> You need to work on your nice-guy tendencies before your next relationship so that you don't end up with another one just like her.


True, I feel like I put up with mistreatment on many different ways. However, I felt horrible seeing her pack everything yesterday. Her mother said she was all over the place and agitated the past two days. She gave her a valum on Saturday and Sunday. It still breaks my heart to go through this. I wish I knew why.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I'm sure she has no place to put the larger items. Yes, she too could get a storage unit. But that means she has to deal with it [at least twice].
> 
> She is between two realities, as are you. Her priorities are not the furniture and memorabilia.
> 
> ...


I wish I knew what the problem was. No comunication from her. She wouldn't even give me her new address. I really have no idea what's going on in her head.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

All her stuff left yesterday.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Yep, all yesterday. She was on valum aparently so everything went fine. Tried to talk to her, but her mother said I do not want to leave you two alone. God only knows what she's fabricated in her mind about me and told her parents. She even said yesterday, I do not know why she couldn't bring her friends over to help. ??? She never even asked. All she said was her parents were coming to help. I pulled up thr txt messages and that is what it said. She then said, if I didn't type in a text, it never happened, right? Well, since we've necer talked or emailed, then yes.

I think she's making things up in her mind as she goes to make herself feel better about the situation. This is really very strange.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and is overwhelmed easily. You're trying to make sense of it and it's never going to happen. Getting all of her stuff out of the house is a good step in the right direction. Now, there are less reminders of her presence.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Almost-Done said:


> I wish I knew what the problem was. No comunication from her. She wouldn't even give me her new address. I really have no idea what's going on in her head.


Time to stop worrying about her. She fired you. 

She clearly has some deep issues, and whatever she does from here on out is no longer your problem. Glad that she got everything out, that is a step forward for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Almost-Done said:


> Yep, all yesterday. She was on valum aparently so everything went fine. Tried to talk to her, but her mother said I do not want to leave you two alone. God only knows what she's fabricated in her mind about me and told her parents. She even said yesterday, I do not know why she couldn't bring her friends over to help. ??? She never even asked. All she said was her parents were coming to help. I pulled up thr txt messages and that is what it said. She then said, if I didn't type in a text, it never happened, right? Well, since we've necer talked or emailed, then yes.
> 
> I think she's making things up in her mind as she goes to make herself feel better about the situation. This is really very strange.


Her mother clearly is supporting her daughter.

Even if you said that your STBXW could not have her friends over to help, that's your right. It's your home. Why would you want a lot of people who are basically antagonistic in your home. Your STBXW is a grownup. She can pack and move her own junk. Her mother was out of line.

In the future, just have as little to do with your STBXW and her family.

And, it's time to stop thinking about your STBXW and her family.

What are you doing for yourself now?


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and is overwhelmed easily. You're trying to make sense of it and it's never going to happen. Getting all of her stuff out of the house is a good step in the right direction. Now, there are less reminders of her presence.


Yes, it helps that all her stuff is no longer here. I even gave back her gifts with the movers as well. Well, small issue. New place is really small. I mean, REALLY small I am told. She went from a house to a 600 sq ft apt. She had to abandon stuff here, which I am throwing out. I am not sure why she picked a small apt. Stuff she brought here will no longer fit in the new apt. ??? Very strange.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Time to stop worrying about her. She fired you.
> 
> She clearly has some deep issues, and whatever she does from here on out is no longer your problem. Glad that she got everything out, that is a step forward for you.


Yes, I agree, she admits to the reason why I couldn't come to her sessions was she needs it for herself and her issues. I said, why did't you say that. Her response, she doesn't know. I feel bad about that. Not sure why this relationship/marriage is effecting me so much. I've had others, and it wasn't as hard to let go. Interestingly enough, she said that I got rid of her, and forced her out of the home. Which, makes little sense. She made the decision. Option 1, work on the marriage. Option 2, do not work on the marriage and move out. She moved out. Not sure how she can fault me on that.

Again, she's now saying she has a lot of stuff to work on through her head with this therapist. Why is she telling this to me now? When I asked about she and her therapist, nothing. But now, she is. What's the truth?


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Her mother clearly is supporting her daughter.
> 
> Even if you said that your STBXW could not have her friends over to help, that's your right. It's your home. Why would you want a lot of people who are basically antagonistic in your home. Your STBXW is a grownup. She can pack and move her own junk. Her mother was out of line.
> 
> ...


No doubt. Her mother (father too) is heavily influencing her decision making. The only issue is, they heard a jaded side of the story. I over heard the mother when they were picking up her stuff your dad feels like you're done as well as the marriage. The daughter said why and no. So, I am so confused on this whole thing. It seems, it's nearly impossible to break away. BTW, silence for nearly 3 + months. Now, that she's in her own apt., she's texting and talking again. 

I must be missing something.

For myself, had to get new decs for the home, since she took just about everything. Just trying to accept the fact the we're done. My logical mind says run away, but my heart feels for her. Again, I do not know why this is so hard for me. Never been this much of an issue with others. When something stopped working, I ended it. Why is this one so damn hard to leave 100%?

I guess, I feel I am making a mistake, but her previous actions say different.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Almost-Done said:


> Again, I do not know why this is so hard for me. Never been this much of an issue with others. When something stopped working, I ended it. Why is this one so damn hard to leave 100%?
> 
> I guess, I feel I am making a mistake, but her previous actions say different.


It's just the synapse in your brain, give it some time it will rewire.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> Yes, I agree, she admits to the reason why I couldn't come to her sessions was she needs it for herself and her issues. I said, why did't you say that. Her response, she doesn't know. I feel bad about that. Not sure why this relationship/marriage is effecting me so much. I've had others, and it wasn't as hard to let go. Interestingly enough, she said that I got rid of her, and forced her out of the home. Which, makes little sense. She made the decision. Option 1, work on the marriage. Option 2, do not work on the marriage and move out. She moved out. Not sure how she can fault me on that.
> 
> Again, she's now saying she has a lot of stuff to work on through her head with this therapist. Why is she telling this to me now? When I asked about she and her therapist, nothing. But now, she is. What's the truth?


I'd be leary of her therapy sessions right now, her actions aren't matching someone who is seeking help. She could very well be using the sessions to reinforce her storyline which is typically "the victim".


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Can only hope. I think me and her together yesterday stirred up old feelings. I just need to stay away.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

honcho said:


> I'd be leary of her therapy sessions right now, her actions aren't matching someone who is seeking help. She could very well be using the sessions to reinforce her storyline which is typically "the victim".


I do agree with your assessment. I know she was bad mouthing me to the therapist when she started, as well as to both of her parents. I played along and then told her what the therapist told me when she blocked me from coming. She then opened up with telling me how she needed the therapist's help more than marriage counseling. I then asked, then, why didn't you say that? No answer. I still feel she doesn't want me there because I'd tell her and back it up with examples on why she says A, but B actually happened. She said wanted to bring over her friends to help with packing. I said when? I talked to you about it. Really? You've not picked up the phone when I called. She said she was in the basement with bad reception. Next. Then how? If you didn't tell me via voice, text or e-mail, how did you tell me? No answer.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

I also wonder, if she didn't want a divorce or separation, why didn't she do the following:

setup small dates/get togethers to rebuild our marriage during separation? Or, better yet, agree to the one's I offered to her?

Admit her mistakes like I've admitted mine. 

Work together to rebuild the marriage and relationship.

Embarrass and make fun of me in front of others.

Talk bad about me in front of her parents. Say that there is something wrong with the way I am. 


I still feel that she has built so much anger and resentment towards me (re-enforced by her parents and therapist), that just makes it even worse.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are trying to rationalize the irrationality of a liar. Your heart is out of sync with your mind.

She's feeding you some breadcrumbs. It's foolish on your part to even be in contact with this. You know who she is.

If your smart you'll get and stay far away.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> I also wonder, if she didn't want a divorce or separation, why didn't she do the following:
> 
> setup small dates/get togethers to rebuild our marriage during separation? Or, better yet, agree to the one's I offered to her?
> 
> ...


You will drive yourself crazy trying to answer these questions because your not going to get the answers. We've all done this trying to figure it out. 

She could very well be unhappy with her current course but only she can change it and she is showing no willingness to do so. You can't worry about those things or why she is doing it. It's hard to do I know.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> You are trying to rationalize the irrationality of a liar. Your heart is out of sync with your mind.
> 
> She's feeding you some breadcrumbs. It's foolish on your part to even be in contact with this. You know who she is.
> 
> If your smart you'll get and stay far away.





honcho said:


> You will drive yourself crazy trying to answer these questions because your not going to get the answers. We've all done this trying to figure it out.
> 
> She could very well be unhappy with her current course but only she can change it and she is showing no willingness to do so. You can't worry about those things or why she is doing it. It's hard to do I know.


Both are you speak the truth. I am trying to rationalize irrational and illogical behavior, as well as my heart trying to rule my mind. I know what needs to be done, it's just hard to come to terms.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

After my separation, a very good friend of mine gave me a kick up the ass.

You should now redecorate. Paint the rooms, new stuff. Define your own place. New wardrobe too.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> After my separation, a very good friend of mine gave me a kick up the ass.
> 
> You should now redecorate. Paint the rooms, new stuff. Define your own place. New wardrobe too.


New furniture. New clothes. New everything - as finances allow.

The worst thing to do is wallow around in "your" shared stuff.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> After my separation, a very good friend of mine gave me a kick up the ass.
> 
> You should now redecorate. Paint the rooms, new stuff. Define your own place. New wardrobe too.





ReturntoZero said:


> New furniture. New clothes. New everything - as finances allow.
> 
> The worst thing to do is wallow around in "your" shared stuff.


I've been updating my wardrobe since I decided to first separate a few months back. She and everyone else noticed. I did it for myself, not to get noticed by others. Just a few things. Not a big metrosexual type of guy. I am mostly a t-shirt and jeans type of guy. 

She took just about everything that was her's and "ours (wedding gifts)". I didn't argue on one thing. She took ALL wedding gifts. Crazy sh!t. Not even to ask if I wanted anything. I think she was hoping that I would start an argument. I will request a credit in the divorce decree on both half of the wedding gifts and all of the furniture since I paid for it. She claims it was a gift, it wasn't. We weren't married yet. It was new furniture that we picked out when she moved in. I just wanted her out of the home so she couldn't try to have the court allow her to move back in. She's not lived her for four months, so I think we're good. All the monetary gifts went to pay off the wedding expenses, which I handled. However, she kept all the cash. I have no idea how much cash she took. It was a few thousand though. She has a terrible accounting system; none. I have a list of the wedding checks deposited. She attempted to take gifts from her to me back too, but later put them back. She had no problem taking and keeping all of my gifts though.

Interestingly enough, she went through the home and said "did you keep anything of what I and my parents got you"? You mean aside from the few things you tried to take? I am sure there are some things still here. I got rid of just about everything. I either threw it in to her stuff that the movers were taking, or I donated them (lots of clothes). I still have some kitchen stuff that were gifts from her and a BBQ grill. I have to save to replace them, but that stuff is a bit pricey. Ironically, she did ask for the BBQ grill, I said what you are going to do with a grill in an apt. and no balcony? Never mind, take whatever you want. She left the BBQ grill. 

I've replaced all the furniture, bedding and entertainment devices she took. Debating if I should list the home for sale and move (once divorce is finalized). Where I live, not many singles, mostly families. I would take a hit on the sale of the home, but who knows. It's a bit lonely now.

Sucks to be going through a divorce. Getting used to the idea that I will focus on my dreams and goals and stay far away from relationships. It's just not worth the emotional, financial and legal toll placed on me when they inevitably end.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

For your future get rid of everything that pertained to her. I'd delete all pics of her as well. You'll move on quicker that way.

You're doing well. Keep on task and purge her from your life.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> For your future get rid of everything that pertained to her. I'd delete all pics of her as well. You'll move on quicker that way.
> 
> You're doing well. Keep on task and purge her from your life.


Should be pretty easy to do. While we had picture frames (she took them) and a wedding photographer, we had no pictures in the home. She actually paid the wedding photographer, but refused to pick up the wedding pictures. In the entire home, there was only one picture of us (that I put up) in my den of us from our third date. I put that picture away months ago. Interestingly enough, in her parents home, I do not think there are any pictures of her mother and father together. Hmm. Maybe it's like a monkey see, monkey do type of scenario.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are pretty lucky. You'll get out of this better than most.

Glad you've seen the light.

Don't ever look back. There's nothing there😎


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

I know, logically, this is the right thing to do. After all, if the other "partner" in the marriage will do nothing to help fix the marriage, the only other option is to leave. It just hurts and makes me feel like a complete failure. I feel like I am walking away from the marriage. It really does suck. When I told her about the divorce, she started crying. This is from a woman who doesn't cry. When I saw that I took a double take. I am saying to myself what did you think would happen? You will not meet me a 100th of the way. You will not talk to me. You will not have any communication. What did you think would happen? I just walked away and said everything happens for a reason. It still hurts though. Hurts even more now that I know she's hurting. Even my therapist said there is nothing else I could do. She's lost in her own fog and haze. I need to take care of myself. Very upsetting. Not depressed, just very upset. She's now on medicine because I am told she has been having anxiety attacks. 

I just feel awful, like it's all my fault.

Sorry for the pity parade. Not feeling sorry for me, feeling sorry for the marriage and her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What she really expected? That you would cave and do whatever it was she wanted -- not divorce her. So, yeah, it's been a shock. It's not going the way she thought. At some point I bet she'll start working on you. That's when it'll get really tough. So be prepared.

PS
Where is this information about her current issues coming from? You don't need to know how she's doing. So block that.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> I know, logically, this is the right thing to do. After all, if the other "partner" in the marriage will do nothing to help fix the marriage, the only other option is to leave. It just hurts and makes me feel like a complete failure. I feel like I am walking away from the marriage. It really does suck. When I told her about the divorce, she started crying. This is from a woman who doesn't cry. When I saw that I took a double take. I am saying to myself what did you think would happen? You will not meet me a 100th of the way. You will not talk to me. You will not have any communication. What did you think would happen? I just walked away and said everything happens for a reason. It still hurts though. Hurts even more now that I know she's hurting. Even my therapist said there is nothing else I could do. She's lost in her own fog and haze. I need to take care of myself. Very upsetting. Not depressed, just very upset. She's now on medicine because I am told she has been having anxiety attacks.
> 
> I just feel awful, like it's all my fault.
> 
> Sorry for the pity parade. Not feeling sorry for me, feeling sorry for the marriage and her.


The marriage failed, your not a failure. I have failed at many things in life but I never felt like a failure till my marriage imploded. It does pass once you allow your brain to get control of your heart. 

Your still trying to carry her burdens. Why do you feel sorry for her? She has had ample opportunity to chose a different path, she is unwilling. Let her deal with her own emotional baggage. 

If people start telling you about what she is doing just shut it down. It sounds calious in a way but it's not. All it does is keep your emotions attached to her in a way and it's not productive in your healing.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Look into state laws. I rented a house one time where the previous tenants did not come for their furniture and i wanted it gone. In the state that I lived, after 30 days the property became mine to do with what I wanted. You do have to give notice to the owner which I did with no response so I gave it away. The owner never did contact me.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Almost-Done said:


> I know, logically, this is the right thing to do. After all, if the other "partner" in the marriage will do nothing to help fix the marriage, the only other option is to leave. It just hurts and makes me feel like a complete failure. I feel like I am walking away from the marriage. It really does suck. When I told her about the divorce, she started crying. This is from a woman who doesn't cry. When I saw that I took a double take. I am saying to myself what did you think would happen? You will not meet me a 100th of the way. You will not talk to me. You will not have any communication. What did you think would happen? I just walked away and said everything happens for a reason. It still hurts though. Hurts even more now that I know she's hurting. Even my therapist said there is nothing else I could do. She's lost in her own fog and haze. I need to take care of myself. Very upsetting. Not depressed, just very upset. She's now on medicine because I am told she has been having anxiety attacks.
> 
> I just feel awful, like it's all my fault.
> 
> Sorry for the pity parade. Not feeling sorry for me, feeling sorry for the marriage and her.


It takes two willing partners to make a marriage work. One person cannot hold a marriage together. I do understand your feelings. It is a feeling of failure but you are not a failure. We give so much hope, we stay thinking things might get better, we do not want to tear the family apart so we keep beating our heads against that brick wall but what is actually happening? We are trying to accept a situation that is not healthy and not getting better so we "float" and try to make our lives the best we can for ourselves without true happiness in our relationship. At some point we have to take the bull by the horns and realize we are worth more than how we have been treated and muster the strength to face the reality of our situation.

I have seen many who continue to live in limbo and limp a marriage along for the sake of the children without real happiness. You have to decide what you want and what is important to you.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Openminded said:


> What she really expected? That you would cave and do whatever it was she wanted -- not divorce her. So, yeah, it's been a shock. It's not going the way she thought. At some point I bet she'll start working on you. That's when it'll get really tough. So be prepared.
> 
> PS
> Where is this information about her current issues coming from? You don't need to know how she's doing. So block that.


I know. You're not the first person who told me that she wanted me to fall into line and jump when she said so. It just isn't going to happen. A mutual friend had told me about her, even though I didn't ask. I requested not to be given updates on her situation. It's not my problem any longer.

She's too thick headed to work on me. She's been silent since she picked up her junk. I do not plan on seeing her anytime soon. As far as I am concerned, she duped me in the type of woman she is. I feel like she was the woman I was looking for. Then, after marriage, she flipped like a switch to this new woman I am married too. She even said to me this is the real me. Ask my parents, it only comes out when needed. It came out because she was having a lot of problems with her career. Of course, I get the brunt of it because she said I can't fire her. Hmm, she's divorced once already, so, you'd think she'd know that I can fire her and it took me a while, but I did.



honcho said:


> The marriage failed, your not a failure. I have failed at many things in life but I never felt like a failure till my marriage imploded. It does pass once you allow your brain to get control of your heart.
> 
> Your still trying to carry her burdens. Why do you feel sorry for her? She has had ample opportunity to chose a different path, she is unwilling. Let her deal with her own emotional baggage.
> 
> If people start telling you about what she is doing just shut it down. It sounds calious in a way but it's not. All it does is keep your emotions attached to her in a way and it's not productive in your healing.


I know this as well. I guess, when it comes down to it, I still have a soft spot for her. I need to train my mind to control my heart better. I refuse to continue in this marriage with her. She treated me like crap, thus it would happen again. A good predictor of future actions are past actions. Thus, we just will not work out. All in all, she needs a man who will bend over and do anything she wants. This, is not me. I guess that is why our marriage fell apart.



AVR1962 said:


> It takes two willing partners to make a marriage work. One person cannot hold a marriage together. I do understand your feelings. It is a feeling of failure but you are not a failure. We give so much hope, we stay thinking things might get better, we do not want to tear the family apart so we keep beating our heads against that brick wall but what is actually happening? We are trying to accept a situation that is not healthy and not getting better so we "float" and try to make our lives the best we can for ourselves without true happiness in our relationship. At some point we have to take the bull by the horns and realize we are worth more than how we have been treated and muster the strength to face the reality of our situation.
> 
> I have seen many who continue to live in limbo and limp a marriage along for the sake of the children without real happiness. You have to decide what you want and what is important to you.


Yes, I agree. Both people need to continuously work at their marriage for it to strive and survive. I tried everything to resurrect the marriage, but I cannot do it myself. I really didn't know what she was thinking. How could a marriage survive with only one trying to drag the marriage back to a positive place. It just ain't going to happen. Two people are needed to make a marriage work. I would love to know what was/is going in her head.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

We do not really have personalities, only outlooks that are shaped by our ideas, experiences and biology. Changing circumstances can sometimes really change peoples' outlook and sometimes that is marriage. For some, it is just relaxing a little, for others it is such a change of outlook that they seem completely different.

She will always think she was right, my wife will always think she was completely in the right. But that is a different outlook, no more. I am guessing that on the things that can be considered objectively true, we would come out looking more correct, but it is academic now. 

Life gets much, much better. I am much happier than when I was married, I am also far healthier, look better, and am taking a very attractive and sweet lady out for her birthday dinner tomorrow. Things are going to be good!


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Wife is still delaying the divorce in every way possible. Atty said it could be over within a month, but now, maybe by end of the year or beginning of next year. In addition, apparently, she's talking to friends about us.. I got a call today from one of my cousins who found out about the divorce through my wife's roommate. She's talking crap every which way. 

What is wrong with this woman? Atty said we can make it much harder for her, but I just want it over already. She's just a vengeful, angry depressed woman. I am not getting into a pissing contest. I told the atty to make a motion to the court so we can proceed w/o her stalling. This is nuts. The funny part is my wife HATES my cousin (and everyone else my family aside from the cat).


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Also, she got me these things:

Breitling watch
Tiffany wedding band
expensive clothes
Gucci wallet
Waterford crystal crap

All in all, the stuff is worth a few grand, maybe more. They were gifts. Once the papers are in fact signed, I wanted to drop them off in front of her new apt and leave them at her door. I have them all in the storage basement. I was going to sell them on eBay, but it would make me feel better to give all this crap back to her. Therapist says I should keep them. I think many people know where I want to stick it. 

What is the rational thing to do? She's just mean and hurtful. I do not want her crap here. Give it to husband # 3, # 4 or more. I am a bit upset to hear this new development, so I may not be thinking rational, and some emotions are coming out. Past relationships, I threw the crap out. I think it would be more symblomatic that I leave it in front of her door. Or, leave it in front of her parent's door. I still do not know her apt, just the building. It might be on the final divorce decree. However, I know where her parent's house is, so I can just drop it off there and leave a note to give to their daughter. Might have a more dramatic affect.

Or, am I being petty and immature. Too embarrassed to ask others for their opinion in real life.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Almost-Done said:


> Also, she got me these things:
> 
> Breitling watch
> Tiffany wedding band
> ...


I suppose it depends how badly you need a few grand. Did she fleece you during the marriage? Did you get hosed financially by the divorce?

But set drama aside. She won't care what you give her. So why bother?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sell them. 

If you don't need the money, use it to go someplace warm, with sandy beaches, ****tails, and women in bikinis after the divorce is final.

Then you can thank her (in your mind) for it.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Lost my mind for a moment there. Donating the clothes to Good Will. The expensive stuff I'm getting the scratches out and selling them on eBay. 

She's telling everyone we're divorced, but she's delaying each step. It's like a nightmare I cannot wake up from. I refuse to play her games. 

Marriage never again.. Just not worth the fallout when it happens.

She'll likely get nothing as she's the one with the assets and salary.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She's going to talk. Just ignore it. If anyone starts to tell what she said, just tell them that you don't want to hear it. The less you know about her the better.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Just giving an update.

Slowly moving through divorce and hoping it will be done soon. Interestingly, I was told, begrudgingly by a friend still talking to me, that my wife is having financial issues now that she's been on her own for a few months. In addition, she mentioned to our friend that she was surprised I didn't reach out to her at all during this period; especially on her birthday or our anniversary. I changed the subject, but wow. Did she think this was a game or a test? Before filing, I did reach out several times, she said no to each one. Then, after filing, I gave her the heads up and a nice e-mail, no reply. Why would I continue to reach out to her? I've accepted it's a failure, and I am trying to move on. She could had signed months ago, but she's the one keeping it in play.

Am I missing something?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop reaching out, stop trying to help.

Repeat this to yourself...remember...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's upset that she's no longer getting her ego kibble fix from you. Just because she didn't respond when you _were_ attempting to reach out to her doesn't mean that she didn't enjoy it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Almost-Done said:


> Just giving an update.
> 
> Slowly moving through divorce and hoping it will be done soon. Interestingly, I was told, begrudgingly by a friend still talking to me, that my wife is having financial issues now that she's been on her own for a few months. In addition, she mentioned to our friend that she was surprised I didn't reach out to her at all during this period; especially on her birthday or our anniversary. I changed the subject, but wow. Did she think this was a game or a test? Before filing, I did reach out several times, she said no to each one. Then, after filing, I gave her the heads up and a nice e-mail, no reply. Why would I continue to reach out to her? I've accepted it's a failure, and I am trying to move on. She could had signed months ago, but she's the one keeping it in play.
> 
> Am I missing something?


Her lack of maturity as well as her lack of recognizing reality.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Almost-Done said:


> Am I missing something?


The only thing you are missing is you will never understand and it is a waste of emotional energy to try to. Move on my friend there are no answers that are ever going to make it easier. She is damaged, you don't fit, there is nothing else to say about it. You know in your heart you did your best, that emotional energy will be good in the long run with a partner who wants to work with you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Almost-Done said:


> Just giving an update.
> 
> Slowly moving through divorce and hoping it will be done soon. Interestingly, I was told, begrudgingly by a friend still talking to me, that my wife is having financial issues now that she's been on her own for a few months. In addition, she mentioned to our friend that she was surprised I didn't reach out to her at all during this period; especially on her birthday or our anniversary. I changed the subject, but wow. Did she think this was a game or a test? Before filing, I did reach out several times, she said no to each one. Then, after filing, I gave her the heads up and a nice e-mail, no reply. Why would I continue to reach out to her? I've accepted it's a failure, and I am trying to move on. She could had signed months ago, but she's the one keeping it in play.
> 
> Am I missing something?


Nope, you are not missing something. 

She wants to keep you on a tether. You are not playing her game. Instead you are moving on with your life.

Your ex now has to learn that this is reality. You would not best to not even try to figure out what's in her mind. It's her own little crazy world that rattles around between her ears. You just need to ignore it and continue to move on with your life.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Thank you all for the replies. It's like a rollercoaster. I think it's finally over and I am free. Then I get pulled back in. I am going to stop talking to this other person. I think it will be best for me. I am sure it will be easier once the divorce is final. I hate being stuck in legal limbo to a mistake that I seem to have a hard time leaving behind.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Make yourself unavailable. The next time someone volunteers information about her, hold up your hand and say, "respectfully, I don't want to talk about that," and lightheartedly change the subject.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Almost-Done said:


> STBXW moved out about 3 months ago, and she only took her "most" of her clothes and personal items, but left her furniture, couch, tv, DVR, PS4, bed, chairs, table, art, etc. I've asked her a few times already, but she tells me sometime in July or August. I need to get new stuff, but her stuff is still here. Should I just move it all into a storage place and mail her the key? I also really do not want her to come back here (she seems pissed that I've not cancelled the divorce and begged her to come back - boo hoo hoo) with her mom, dad best friend, etc. and go through this and that. I even told her she can have all the wedding crap, except what I purchased with my own money. Should I just hire a moving company, pack all the crap up in nice boxes, move it to public storage and say here, it's all yours? I have a feeling that she'd come when SHE's ready, not when I am ready, and bring her army of dung with her. I just do not want it to be me vs them and have to call the cops in case we argue about something.
> 
> It's been pretty cordial, I have a feeling this may change things.
> 
> ...


I had almost the same issue. Her stuff in my house and she would not give me any idea when she was coming. SO.... I did the following

I packed all her stuff. Place in boxes and documented everything.
Me and my son divided all the silverware etc. 
Put everything in boxes in the garage.
When she told me she was coming I told her she had one hour to get here things. She had no idea I had done what I did. She stated she would take her time.
The house was mine in the divorce so when she arrived I told her she could not come in. She pitched a fit. I didn't care.
Her movers showed up. I instructed them that her stuff was in the garage and it was all surrounded by blue tape on the floor. If they touched anything outside of the tape I would call the police.
I informed the movers they had one hour to move this stuff and get off my property. At that point I would call the law and have them removed.
Movers packed it all up and left. I stayed in the house. She pouted in the driveway. It was a good day for me. 

She was pissed and I didn't care.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Things are finally moving again. Papers were sent to her rep. for approval. It might be finally over in a few weeks. 

Still hurts to go through this. Not sure why I still feel like the bad guy.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Wife finally agreed to the terms of a no-fault divorce. Signed or initialed 125 pieces of paper on Thursday. I will also say I felt a range of emotions as I was signing the papers. Anger, sadness, consolidation of failure, etc. She was not present, so her atty has to either have her come in to sign the papers or send them to her to sign in order for it to be in effect.

All in all, here are my breakdowns:

18k to get married
21k to get divorced
She took all wedding cash, wedding gifts, bedroom furniture, and I had to pay her medical insurance (which she didn't even use) since March (approx. $5600.00). I think the only thing that really pushed her to finally agree is that my HMO is cancelling my insurance, and I refused to buy another policy (I would then be legally forced to pay for her premiums).

I am now hopefully divorced, which significant debt that I had to incur to divorce this wonderful woman. Now I know why some men commit suicide after divorce. Loss of spouse, money, dignity and feelings of failure. No, I am not even close to that, but I will say I cried after signing the papers. I feel like a fool and just do not understand why we went through the whole marriage process and then she wouldn't even work on the marriage at all. She knew it was failing, and I was stating we need to work on it or the marriage will fail. She said, yea, you go leave.. I'm so scared... Shivering in my boots. Then, to spend nearly 9 months holding out on signing papers to incur legal fees and forcing me to pay her medical premium. How is that fair? She makes about 35k - 45k more than me, yet I am the one that was killed financially. I also had to delay a medical treatment due to all these new expenses (legal and medical). It's obvious she did this to hurt me. 

Lesson to anyone, marriage is just not worth it. It takes one page to get married, 125 pages to get divorced plus a heck of a lot of money, time, resources and pain. I tried to be very fair and gave her anything she asked for so it would be quick, easy and as painless as possible. It hadn't worked out like that. Even sent a message to her about the pending divorce and I love you and wanted to work things out. It fell on deaf ears. 

I feel like an utter fool.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She makes THAT much more than you?? Yeah you got jacked, sorry to say. But hey... now its OVER. Now you are free and can move forward with your life and find yourself some happiness. Hugs to you.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Under 30 grand to get free? You should be celebrating. 

Would you remarry her for double that? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Move on and enjoy your life. At least you can truly do that. Those who have children can never truly get that ex out of their life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> She makes THAT much more than you?? Yeah you got jacked, sorry to say. But hey... now its OVER. Now you are free and can move forward with your life and find yourself some happiness. Hugs to you.


Yep. She held a lot of $$$ in stocks and investments. It is what it is, but it wasn't easy getting to this place.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> Under 30 grand to get free? You should be celebrating.
> 
> Would you remarry her for double that? Yeah, I didn't think so.
> 
> ...


Nope, not a chance. She's a different woman that the one I met. I know they say the woman you marry is not the same woman you divorce. However, this started to happen a year in. Very strange... 30k to leave a uncontested short marriage is a lot. We could had divorced ourselves for $400.00. She refused. Still not understanding why. She prob. spent around 7.5k - 10k in legal fees too. Does this make any sense?

I am at a loss. I will appear to be free, but still at a loss for words or understanding.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It is hard to understand the disordered.

Just be thankful you are free of her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Almost-Done said:


> Nope, not a chance. She's a different woman that the one I met. I know they say the woman you marry is not the same woman you divorce. However, this started to happen a year in. Very strange... 30k to leave a uncontested short marriage is a lot. We could had divorced ourselves for $400.00. She refused. Still not understanding why. She prob. spent around 7.5k - 10k in legal fees too. Does this make any sense?
> 
> I am at a loss. I will appear to be free, but still at a loss for words or understanding.


One doesn't try to understand the virus that is killing them, they just take the medicine and try get healthy.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Almost-Done said:


> Nope, not a chance. She's a different woman that the one I met. I know they say the woman you marry is not the same woman you divorce. However, this started to happen a year in. Very strange... 30k to leave a uncontested short marriage is a lot. We could had divorced ourselves for $400.00. She refused. Still not understanding why. She prob. spent around 7.5k - 10k in legal fees too. Does this make any sense?
> 
> I am at a loss. I will appear to be free, but still at a loss for words or understanding.


She and her lawyer could easily have made it double. It's a sumk cost now. No sense dwelling on it. 

You'll make yourself miserable trying to understand the actions of others. You removed yourself from a bad situation which was the only thing completely under your control. Some people spend a lifetime trying to change someone else and have little to show for it but tears. You are due a pat on the back for cutting your losses. Give yourself that.

The best thing you can do for yourself now is to look back on your own role in the relationship with a brutally honest eye. Learn what your contributions were to the disfunction. Commit to not making the same mistakes again. Figuring out why YOU did what you did is actually something useful. Analyzing her behavior is an endeavor in futility. Focus on you.

Oh, and enjoy your new freedom!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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