# How important Is sex in Marriage?



## Dontknowhow2love (Aug 13, 2010)

When you are in a new marriage with a man and he is in every way a good husband but he just is not a good sex partner. You try your best to give him tips but he is just not very good at it. He is attractive physically even looks damn sexy but when the actual act is happening then it's just a clumsy mess. LOL sorry to say I keep telling myself that can this marriage survive this? I never tell him the truth about my disappointment because he trys so hard. I don't want to crush him or his self esteem so I continue to give tips and hopes that we will figure this all out.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Dontknowhow2love said:


> When you are in a new marriage with a man and he is in every way a good husband but he just is not a good sex partner. You try your best to give him tips but he is just not very good at it. He is attractive physically even looks damn sexy but when the actual act is happening then it's just a clumsy mess. LOL sorry to say I keep telling myself that can this marriage survive this? I never tell him the truth about my disappointment because he trys so hard. I don't want to crush him or his self esteem so I continue to give tips and hopes that we will figure this all out.


y dont guide him instead of hinting? he may be trying too hard but not knowing which exact buttons to push, he may not achieve anything...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

I think any person can learn to do anything well as long as he/she wants to and gets proper information on how to achieve that goal. This should answer your question of that marriage surviving. 

Having said that, people are complex and lack of confidence in anything can make them "a clumsy mess". Define clumsy mess. What do you want and what's missing? 

Some people, when they love someone, they're very intimidated by their partner because there's a lot of responsibility involved in getting things right and offering the best experience possible to them...not sure if that's your husband but saying it anyway. 

Sex is important in a marriage but different people will find it more or less important than other things like love, companionship, respect, understanding.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Dontknowhow2love said:


> When you are in a new marriage with a man and he is in every way a good husband but he just is not a good sex partner. You try your best to give him tips but he is just not very good at it. He is attractive physically even looks damn sexy but when the actual act is happening then it's just a clumsy mess. LOL sorry to say I keep telling myself that can this marriage survive this? I never tell him the truth about my disappointment because he trys so hard. I don't want to crush him or his self esteem so I continue to give tips and hopes that we will figure this all out.


Re: How important Is sex in Marriage? More important than marriage. 

Keep up your good work, he would become your pron star one day. At least he tries hard. (compared your husband with my husband, mine is hopeless. :rofl: I already gave up any training, I just leave it rotten and enjoy my musterbation.)


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

malmale said:


> y dont guide him instead of hinting? he may be trying too hard but not knowing which exact buttons to push, he may not achieve anything...


Give him a written manual with photo illustrations.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Dontknowhow2love said:


> sorry to say I keep telling myself that can this marriage survive this?


My marriage survives with little sex for many years and it has its good time when both my husband and me are out of bed. 

I'm here in this forum to vent everyday. That's one thing that helps my marriage breath.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Give him a written manual with photo illustrations.


seriously, i still remembered our 1st intercourse, i was so nervous i couldnt even cum! i was so afraid that i might hurt her or i wasnt doint it right n stuff... there were so many things going through the mind except for - enjoying sex! 

but alas, wifey guided me through on how to do it "properly", and very seriously, it really helps to calm those nerves and most important, we both enjoyed the moment! 

so the point is, dont give hints, tell him what u want or he will just be searching in the dark forever and in the end, u will only be frustrated further!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Sex is important, but it's not the most important part of a marriage. 

If he's not giving you what you want, just tell him what you want. The one thing I've learned about men is that they don't get hints. Be cautious not to be cruel or mean about it, but just come right out with it. "Honey, I would love it if you touched me here like this", "Baby, it would drive me wild if you went down on me" are both good examples. "Honey, I love you, but you never get me off and your oral technique is non existent" would be a bad example. 

When he does something you want him to do, make sure he knows it's working for you: moan, groan, writhe, say something that indicates your happiness. If he does what you want him to do, but it's not quite the way that works for you, help him out: move his hand (or mouth) to where you want it or how you want it, tell him ("Oh, move it right there!" "Oh, do this!"). 

You have to tell him the truth (gently, of course). I would imagine he would be more hurt to discover accidentally 20 or 30 years from now that he's never made you happy in bed than to have you be honest now and help him figure out what to do.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

malmale said:


> seriously, i still remembered our 1st intercourse, i was so nervous i couldnt even cum! i was so afraid that i might hurt her or i wasnt doint it right n stuff... there were so many things going through the mind except for - enjoying sex!
> 
> but alas, wifey guided me through on how to do it "properly", and very seriously, it really helps to calm those nerves and most important, we both enjoyed the moment!
> 
> so the point is, dont give hints, tell him what u want or he will just be searching in the dark forever and in the end, u will only be frustrated further!


I'd love to learn from your wife's guiding skills, how did she demand & guide you go down on her until you eat her off. That's something I must learn about. To get oral sex from my husband, usually I had to climb on him and sit on his face and I was too shy to climb often, so I only got his oral service once a year and he seldom ate me off. Grrr!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Sex is important, but it's not the most important part of a marriage.
> 
> If he's not giving you what you want, just tell him what you want. The one thing I've learned about men is that they don't get hints. Be cautious not to be cruel or mean about it, but just come right out with it. "Honey, I would love it if you touched me here like this", "Baby, it would drive me wild if you went down on me" are both good examples. "Honey, I love you, but you never get me off and your oral technique is non existent" would be a bad example.
> 
> ...


I'm going to try your techniques. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I'd love to learn from your wife's guiding skills, how did she demand & guide you go down on her until you eat her off. That's something I must learn about. To get oral sex from my husband, usually I had to climb on him and sit on his face and I was too shy to climb often, so I only got his oral service once a year and he seldom ate me off. Grrr!


LOL
like how atruckersgal put it, she did it sounding very sultry, desperate and sexy... how can i not follow such orders? LOL


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

malmale said:


> LOL
> like how atruckersgal put it, she did it sounding very sultry, desperate and sexy... how can i not follow such orders? LOL


OK! OK! I GOT IT SULTRY SOUNDING IS THE KEY + desperate and sexy!:lol:


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Desperate is not attractive.  Sultry etc definitely is!


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## Dontknowhow2love (Aug 13, 2010)

Trust me I communicate what I like but unfortunately I am use to being well endowed men and he is not. (cough) lets just say things fall short. He is not a small guy but not really very large either. I am really not a woman who enjoys oral sex like some woman maybe I have strange tastes in sex I guess. I can say one thing for him if I ask him too he will help me masturbate and I do appreciate his enthusiasm to try to please me. I have been doing some of that lately and I agree with MsLonely when it comes to that.


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## Dontknowhow2love (Aug 13, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Give him a written manual with photo illustrations.


lol that is too funny!


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## mattc (Oct 22, 2010)

I believe sex is a very important aspect of a marriage, but that is just my opinion. In my case, its probably the only time I get to relax. 

You should just let him know what he is doing wrong.....it might get to him, but he needs to understand that both parties need to be satisfied.

In my case, my wife is not that into sex, but I am. At the beginning it was hard to tell her that my sexual appetite needed to be satisfied more often. She said I was a bit selfish, but I said it could go both ways. Long story short we comprised and now we are both satisfied.

I know my situation does not deal with actually performing, but I am just trying to say... Let him know...afterall you are his wife and I think he would try new things for you.

Don't wait too long because it will probably make him more mad if you wait too long


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Dontknowhow2love said:


> When you are in a new marriage with a man and he is in every way a good husband but he just is not a good sex partner. You try your best to give him tips but he is just not very good at it. He is attractive physically even looks damn sexy but when the actual act is happening then it's just a clumsy mess. LOL sorry to say I keep telling myself that can this marriage survive this? I never tell him the truth about my disappointment because he trys so hard. I don't want to crush him or his self esteem so I continue to give tips and hopes that we will figure this all out.


Well, my H is trying to figure out if marriage can survive without sex. But not cuz I'm bad at it! :smthumbup: 

Question...is your H self concious at all? I ask because I am. Very. And because of that, could be why he's 'clumsy". My H loves my take over and initiate which I highly did prior to about 6 years ago. Now, after being together 17 yrs, it's lights out, under covers and H on top missionary nothing else so I don't have to 'feel or see' myself jiggle! :rofl: Seriously that's how I feel. That makes it not so refreshing for H. 

Just thinking maybe if he's self conscious, that could be part of problem. Against a porn? That may help. Just thought.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Dontknowhow2love said:


> Trust me I communicate what I like but unfortunately I am use to being well endowed men and he is not. (cough) lets just say things fall short. He is not a small guy but not really very large either. I am really not a woman who enjoys oral sex like some woman maybe I have strange tastes in sex I guess. I can say one thing for him if I ask him too he will help me masturbate and I do appreciate his enthusiasm to try to please me. I have been doing some of that lately and I agree with MsLonely when it comes to that.


What about 'toys'? If oral isn't an issue for you and your enjoying masturbation..what about a dildo that he can use with you, or on you? I personally, do not thing 'endowed' is key to great sex. It's how it's used and the emotionally connect with it. At least for me. I say video and toys to help him see what you enjoy and how much you can enjoy.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

PRACTICE, practice, PRACTICE !!!


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

The answer to this question will vary from couple to couple. I have actually known married couples who rarely had sex... maybe 4-5 times a year, yet they were happy. Why? Because both partners had low sex drives and didn't care about lovemaking either way.

The problem with sex is that so often couples have mismatched sex drives. You see this constantly on these Forums, such as this one. Almost always, one partner wants sex much more than their partner. That is when the couple develops major problems.


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

Sierra61 said:


> The answer to this question will vary from couple to couple. I have actually known married couples who rarely had sex... maybe 4-5 times a year, yet they were happy. Why? Because both partners had low sex drives and didn't care about lovemaking either way.
> 
> The problem with sex is that so often couples have mismatched sex drives. You see this constantly on these Forums, such as this one. Almost always, one partner wants sex much more than their partner. That is when the couple develops major problems.


So true. I've given this much thought and have come to the conclusion that this problem (mismatched libidos) results from not making honest communication a priority prior to marriage and assuming too much. I was naive when I asked my wife to marry me. If I had wisdom...I would have talked to her and negotiated the terms of our marriage prior to going through with it. Specifically...I would have asked for a brutally honest open dialog about the priority of sex. In a stress-free environment it is easy to have sex...but it is hard to have sex when life gets in the way if it isn't a top priority. Had I asked my wife where she ranks sex relative to other "life priorities" (i.e. family, job, laughter, health, etc.)...she probably would have been honest and ranked it fairly low. I would have known at that point that we weren't a good match and to not marry her. Instead...I assumed that because she wanted to have sex all the time that sex must be a big deal for her. Bad assumption...and I've been paying for it (emotionally) for years now...

CC


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