# Why am I being so selfish?



## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 8 years- married for about two. Before we got married I did cheat on him multiple times, I actually met him while I was cheating on my ex and we developed this relationship- I was sleeping with both men for a few months and then every so often would sleep with my ex but that stopped before I got married. (I also had a couple random hookups while we were dating/engaged) but again nothing since being married. I guess I was always good at compartmentalizing things because I never really had guilt and I did not get caught. That can't be normal- to not feel guilty- I actually forgot completely about two of the hookups until I really thought about it. I sleep well at night. That scares me a little.

Now I am married and I am having feelings for someone. A friend of my husbands - not a good friend, just someone he has known for a year or two through work. This friend just happens to know my ex oddly enough, and I think something about him reminds me of that bad boy, intense relationship that we had. My husband is good looking, hard working, responsible, we have a good sex life (lots of missionary but he really pays a lot of attention to me under the sheets) he really is a great husband and would be a really good dad, he is very sweet would never yell at me, but sometimes is a little inattentive or distant- no one is perfect though- mostly I just feel like there's no magical spark- lol. I know this is dumb, how can I know I have such great chemistry with someone I barely know. I have been hanging out with this friend of his- only in the presence of my husband- since this summer, only a handful of times, but the last month things have gotten a little heavier and I can't get him out of my head. I am so torn, I know I love my husband but even before we married I would doubt at times that I was in love. I can't bear the thought of hurting him, or embarrassing him at work, and I am really worried that something might happen unless I stay away from this guy. I guess deep down I can admit to myself that I just don't want to get caught. Am I a sociopath to know that I could do this without feeling guilt, how can I do this over and over again to my husband and act like it is no big deal?

And I am delusional to think that I could be in love with this new guy? Love at first sight is just lust + infatuation right?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How about coming clean to your husband about your cheating.

Then you'll either be to busy trying to save you marriage to cheat, or your husband will dump you and you will be free to date.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Maybe relationships and long term commitments like marriage aren't for you..Confess, breakup and find someone with a similar outlook to life


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and remind him that if you'll cheat with him, you'll cheat on him.

I honestly think you've gotten way to comfortable and safe and it's making you think that cheating is ok since you've gotten away with cheating on him so many times.

Now you've been married for what 700 nights and you are getting ready to have an affair.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

My husband is aware of the fact that I have been recently thinking about being with another man, he does not know who though. He was remarkably understanding. I brought up the idea of swinging or an open relationship but he said he would not want me to be with other men- he wouldn't mind other women or the idea of a threesome- which we did do once early in our relationship.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

I guess the point of all of this is:

Marriage becomes comfortable, I can accept this and continue to love my husband and have children with him while I wonder if the "one" is still out there....

OR do I end my marriage so soon because I don't get butterflies and act on these feelings for Mr. New? Am I silly to think it is something other than a fleeting infatuation?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your H may have the makings of a great dad - but please, please, please. don't have any children with him until you resolve your fidelity issues. If you truly want to have your marriage last and eventually raise a family you should tell your husband about your feelings for his friend. 

Then tell him you want to address these issues since you know it's wrong but don't feel guilt for the feelings. Set up an appointment with a competent counselor. Competent AND female.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You seem to have no respect for your husband. Well, and why would you? You have no respect for yourself, either.

Before you cheat on your husband -again- get yourself fixed. You are dangerously broken and want to break your husband, too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you told him about the 5 years of cheat while you were dating?

You should tell him who the new OM is and that you aren't interested in a threesome, that you want to end your marriage and be with the OM in a full on relationship.

Your letting your husband make decisions and offers based on lies and misinformation,

He thinks you want a threesome, while you really want a relationship with the OM, and you no longer want to be with your husband.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

you are probably right warlock, I guess just because commitment is for most people doesn't mean that I wouldn't perhaps do better in an open relationship


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

agreed walkonmars I do not want to start a family until I know that I be in a committed + faithful relationship that is healthy for children


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

MattMatt, yes I agree that I most definitely have some issues with true intimacy as well as a lack of respect for both myself and my fiancee- I do have enough respect to not act on this while I am married


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> I guess the point of all of this is:
> 
> Marriage becomes comfortable, I can accept this and continue to love my husband and have children with him while I wonder if the "one" is still out there....
> 
> OR do I end my marriage so soon because I don't get butterflies and act on these feelings for Mr. New? Am I silly to think it is something other than a fleeting infatuation?


You choose who to be with and be faithful to.

You don't seem to understand that the butterflies are things that only happen start of physical relationships. So if that's what you want divorce your husband and go chasing new relationship after new relationship,

Most people get tired of that lifestyle and realize the enjoy the feeling of being with someone they can trust and share a life with.

The others that keep chasing the thrill of new find themselves alone and bitter over time.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

It wasn't 5 years of cheating, it was a few months at the beginning. Overlap between boyfriends really, he was somewhat aware of this, then there was also a couple instances after that but it was not years of regular affairs or anything on a longterm + regular basis. Not that that was ok, but just wanted to clarify.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> I guess the point of all of this is:
> 
> *Marriage becomes comfortable,*So was apparently dating for you... *I can accept this and continue to love my husband *Seriously???
> 
> ...


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

I think I know in my brain that what you are saying is right Shaggy- but those damn butterflies have me so confused feeling like a schoolgirl for this Mr. New and it is difficult for my brain to convince my other parts...


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

lol jonesey I like your style


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

What you feel for new guy is lust and the allure of novelty, not love. Stay away from new guy. Talk to your husband about how to affair-proof your marriage; there are many resources in this forum. Go see a counselor about your tendency to use sex to avoid whatever it is you are avoiding. You don't want to wreck a good thing. Hang in there. Don't cheat. Everyone gets tempted, but your integrity depends in how well you avoid the stuff that is bad for you.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

Thank you, Moxy that was solid advice <3 I do think I use distractions- be it substances, work, or sex


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> I guess the point of all of this is:
> 
> Marriage becomes comfortable, I can accept this and continue to love my husband and have children with him while I wonder if the "one" is still out there....
> 
> OR do I end my marriage so soon because I don't get butterflies and act on these feelings for Mr. New? Am I silly to think it is something other than a fleeting infatuation?


You probably think of men as targets. Once you get them , you get bored of them and then you start searching for a new one to conquer. You probably have an insatiable need for constant new attention

These butterflies happen at the start of every new relationship.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> I am so torn, I know I love my husband but even before we married I would doubt at times that I was in love. I can't bear the thought of hurting him, or embarrassing him at work, and I am really worried that something might happen unless I stay away from this guy.


Sounds like you're 100% sure this other guy is receptive...why?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Somehow you reminded me of tis quote from Closer



> If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking.


Probably doesn't make sense though


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

warlock you are correct about the "targets"- although I don't think the need is constant or insatiable- it is only specific men and there will be long periods of time where I do not feel that way and will be happy with my one relationship. For example before this there was about 3 1/2 years where I did not feel the need to 'eat' any men praying mantis style


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> lol jonesey I like your style


Just wanted to shake you up a bit..

Do you want me to PM you a Link?


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

ha good quote warlock, it does make sense, bit of a catch 22

Well I did bring up this other guy to my husband actually the first time I met him, after he left I said "don't you feel like he talks to me like he could have me?" and my husband shrugged it off saying "oh thats so-and-so but he would never actually do anything". Since then it has gotten more noticeable the flirting on both of our parts, but my husband is not phased by it. I asked him again if it bothered him and he said no so I keep going along with the flirting- which is all taking place in front of my husband, though he might be oblivious to us staring at other. That said, based on things Mr. New has said I know if I were not in a relationship we would have already slept together- But I am, and I cannot speak to how he would react if I did actually try something while still married. (not that I am going to, but if!)


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

sure jonesey


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Damn, all the good are always taken already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> ha good quote warlock, it does make sense, bit of a catch 22
> 
> Well I did bring up this other guy to my husband actually the first time I met him, after he left I said "don't you feel like he talks to me like he could have me?" and my husband shrugged it off saying "oh thats so-and-so but he would never actually do anything". Since then it has gotten more noticeable the flirting on both of our parts, but my husband is not phased by it. I asked him again if it bothered him and he said no so I keep going along with the flirting- which is all taking place in front of my husband, though he might be oblivious to us staring at other. That said, based on things Mr. New has said I know if I were not in a relationship we would have already slept together- But I am, and I cannot speak to how he would react if I did actually try something while still married. (*not that I am going to, but if*!)


Sadly keep up what you do.It will only be a matter of time before you do it

Dont fool your self..You said OM know´s your ex..You said I *said "don't you feel like he talks to me like he could have me?"*

Not trying to be rude here but..What do you think your ex has been saying about you???


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

Mr. New is not in a relationship and not to sound conceited but I am a good looking woman, there is definitely a physical attraction and lately I am sensing a strong emotional attraction as well.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> sure jonesey


Il pm it tomorrow.My IPad suck right now..But it might explain a few things


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> Mr. New is not in a relationship and not to sound conceited but *I am a good looking woman,*
> Cant dispute that..
> [B*]there is definitely a physical attraction* Of course it is..The flirting In front of your husband[/B] JDand lately I am sensing a strong emotional attraction as well.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> That said, based on things Mr. New has said I know if I were not in a relationship we would have already slept together-


Why do you think this is ok ? Almost as f you are daring the other to take the next step. aybe all you need is a convenient scenario.


Do you think it will hurt your husband ?


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

oh ha I see what you are saying jonesey but he does not talk to my ex, they just know of each other- and he reminds me of him- although I am sure it is possible that he has talked to other people about me, but no one I would have slept with. And he did not know who I was or who my ex was the first time we met, which is when I said that about him thinking he could have me.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

He has a weiner and you have a vagina, how more perfect could it be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

Yes, I know it would hurt my husband if something happened.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

lol love it


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> oh ha I see what you are saying jonesey but he does not talk to my ex, they just know of each other- and he reminds me of him- although I am sure it is possible that he has talked to other people about me, but no one I would have slept with. And he did not know who I was or who my ex was the first time we met, which is when I said that about him thinking he could have me.


No offense but maybe your ex told him how easy you are ?

And how do you know Mr.new has no other casual relationships ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> Yes, I know it would hurt my husband if something happened.


So why are you escalating the situation ? How does the thought of hurting your best friend not stop you ?

Like I mentioned previously, sexual intimacy might be something you don't hold very close to your heart. If that is the case, you have no business of being married and wasting some poor guy's time.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> oh ha I see what you are saying jonesey but he does not talk to my ex, they just know of each other- and he reminds me of him- although I am sure it is possible *that he has talked to other people about me*, but *no one I would have slept with.* Heard of rumors? *And he did not know who I was or who my ex was the first time we met, which is when I said that about him thinking he could have me.*


He knew


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

my ex hasn't said that- they haven't talked and my ex would not say it if they did- even if it were true


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> my ex hasn't said that- they haven't talked and my ex would not say it if they did- even if it were true


Are you sure that your husband really are that clueless?


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

There is no one to hear a rumor from, no rumors, I may have cheated but I never slept around and it was not something that would have been discussed by people, I think this is getting off topic lol


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

jonesey I didn't understand that last post, sorry can you explain what you mean


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> jonesey I didn't understand that last post, sorry can you explain what you mean


How heated things are getting between ou and mister butterfly.Damn that sounded guyish..
And he is just observing..Due to old suspicions


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> my ex hasn't said that- they haven't talked and my ex would not say it if they did- even if it were true


Hey, I met Tim's ex the other day..

The one that cheated on him ?

Did she ? She did not look like that.

Sure she did. She was doing it through out the relationship and finally left him for a guy she was cheating with. 

I'm terrible at creative writing... But see where I am going with this..


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

Well like I said I have repeatedly brought it up to him, so if he isn't clueless it is because I have brought it to his attention. I guess if Mr Butterflies is over this weekend he might pay more attention.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

I get where you are coming from Warlock but no that did not happen. Even if he did run into my ex, my ex would have only glowing things to say about me- seriously- we still stay in touch and I have actually had old friends say Oh I ran into Mr Old and he said you are doing great, how was the wedding, said you just got promoted recently, etc


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> Well like I said I have repeatedly brought it up to him, so if he isn't clueless it is because I have brought it to his attention. I guess if Mr Butterflies is over this weekend he might pay more attention.


Maybe he trusts you..You are not even hiding it..So he probably thinks he is safe because he could never imagine doing it to him..


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

Oh sorry, you mean other people besides my actual ex- yes, possible- but again he did not know of that relationship until recently to make that connection, and very few people in this world know the inside dealings of my relationships or even that I cheated period. Like I said, off topic, I don't think that is relevant in this situation although good point to bring up


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

He does trust me very much, which is why I said I had feelings towards someone else (just not who, although I would think he could put it together) he actually texted me from class and joked that I should try not to sleep with any strange men while he is away for work this week- going back to me sharing my other fantasy of him watching it- which he was not into. Strange thing to joke about though.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

other than my ex the guys I cheated with were from out of town, happened while I was on business, but I appreciate the concern warlock- sounds like you have experience with this yourself?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Does your ex know how many times you cheated on him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> He does trust me very much, which is why I said I had feelings towards someone else (just not who, although I would think he could put it together) he actually texted me from class and joked that I should try not to sleep with any strange men while he is away for work this week- *going back to me sharing my other fantasy of him watching it- *which he was not into. Strange thing to joke about though.


maybe he is scared of coming as jealous or insecure infront of you.

Just wait a minute, you have a cuckold fetish ? :scratchhead:


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

I'm not even sure what you are asking or doing here? It is clear you are going to sleep with him. I have now read four pages of sheepish giggling by a little girl. Just get divorced and go have your fun. You earned it! You've been good a whole two years, or whatever... You earned some R&R in the sack with some strange! Let a real woman tend to your husband. I have heard nothing of remorse or how do I stop, more of reasoning how being a cheater is ok. Is Mr. New really cute? I hope he's really cute? And nice? I hope he's very, very nice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

haha yes I do, I have a fantasy that my husband watches me with other guys- and I like to see him with other women- so not sure if that is the same


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

I have been very honest about the fact that I do not feel remorse, but I have also said that I will not cheat while I am married on principle and for respect towards my husband. I am really just trying to figure out in my own head still what I want. Do I want to be married? Do I accept that love is ok without crazy in love feelings? Or do I get a divorce and look for something else, whatever that might be. Yes, I clearly have problems with intimacy and immaturity in relationships.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Does your ex know how many times you cheated on him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

oh sorry, yes my ex is aware that I cheated on my now husband with my ex


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

TheRiver said:


> I have been very honest about the fact that I do not feel remorse, but *I have also said that I will not cheat while I am married on principle and for respect towards my husband*. I am really just trying to figure out in my own head still what I want. Do I want to be married? Do I accept that love is ok without crazy in love feelings? Or do I get a divorce and look for something else, whatever that might be. Yes, I clearly have problems with intimacy and immaturity in relationships.


Really? I am sure every wayward wife when they were in the midst of their EA said. 
And all of the BH and BS on this site can see it. 

You haven't cheated on your husband yet because you don't have a trade up yet. 
You are just waiting for it to happen.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Why would he say such glowing things about you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

What does BH and BS mean? If anything I would be trading down, in the name of love HAHAA sorry I couldn't help that. No really though I am not trying to trade up or anything like that- but I definitely see what you are saying- I did that with my ex and now husband.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

Because he is a big hippie


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

and we honestly do still have a very friendly relationship, my husband and I run into my ex every so often and we are all on good terms


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You choose who to be with and be faithful to.
> 
> You don't seem to understand that the butterflies are things that only happen start of physical relationships. So if that's what you want divorce your husband and go chasing new relationship after new relationship,
> 
> ...


Well, I usually read the whole thread before posting, and I often disagree with Shaggy.....but this post is just so true and obvious I have to post in support of it.

What would your reaction be if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

I have enough info now, I can answer your question.

Yes, you are a sociopath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

I agree, I am definitely confused about I want or what I think I want. I do want to have a family in the future and that is obviously not going to happen if I keep this up.

I would not like if my husband was being secretive, but anything that happens while I am there I am ok with, we have had sexual encounters with other women in the past, all of which were friends of mine, although the main difference was that I orchestrated those encounters not him for the most part, but that is because I enjoy seeing him with other women


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

lol thoreau! I am afraid I am not going to disagree with you though.


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## didntcitcoming (Oct 15, 2012)

doc_martin said:


> I'm not even sure what you are asking or doing here? It is clear you are going to sleep with him. I have now read four pages of sheepish giggling by a little girl. Just get divorced and go have your fun. You earned it! You've been good a whole two years, or whatever... You earned some R&R in the sack with some strange! Let a real woman tend to your husband. I have heard nothing of remorse or how do I stop, more of reasoning how being a cheater is ok. Is Mr. New really cute? I hope he's really cute? And nice? I hope he's very, very nice!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

I'm not sure why you're being so selfish, I can't help but feel sorry for your poor husband.

I think you and the new guy will probably end up having sex when the opportunity presents itself. The sexual tension between the two of you is an affair waiting to happen, and the fact that both of you openly flirt in front of your husband shows that neither one of you have any respect for him, and since neither one of you can control your lust for each other and your husband doesn't seem to care, this is a train wreck waiting to happen. I think the 2 of you should just go ahead and get your freak on, destroy your marriage and get it over with.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Ok....orchestrate another encounter with women for him in your home. Have a guy or two for you lined up and waiting in another room. 

While he is in the midst of things, bring your men in and have at it.

All is out in the open, no secrets, and you can fall on whatever penis you want. 

Problem solved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

TheRiver, sorry but I can't think of a gentle way to say this you are really messed up.



TheRiver said:


> My husband and I have been together for 8 years- married for about two. Before we got married I did cheat on him multiple times, I actually met him while I was cheating on my ex and we developed this relationship- I was sleeping with both men for a few months and then every so often would sleep with my ex but that stopped before I got married. (I also had a couple random hookups while we were dating/engaged) but again nothing since being married. I guess I was always good at compartmentalizing things because I never really had guilt and I did not get caught. That can't be normal- to not feel guilty- I actually forgot completely about two of the hookups until I really thought about it.


If you had "a couple" of random hookups and you forgot about two of them...well two is a couple so I assume you have had more than a couple. How many times have you gone to bed with other men while in a relationship with your husband? How many were repeat visits vs one night stands. Just how promiscuous are you?



TheRiver said:


> There is no one to hear a rumor from, no rumors, I may have cheated but I never slept around and it was not something that would have been discussed by people, I think this is getting off topic lol


How many men do you have to sleep with before it counts as sleeping around?



TheRiver said:


> I have been very honest about the fact that I do not feel remorse, but I have also said that I will not cheat while I am married on principle and for respect towards my husband.


It's not just about your principles and feelings, it's about your husband's. To me your line of "I cheated on him before marriage but not after" is basically silly. What counts is you cheated. You are not honest. If you want something, and it means lying to your husband, you don't seem to feel guilty about that.

If you think I'm wrong, put it to the test. Tell your husband about all the other hookups. Maybe he'll be ok. Or maybe there will be no need to decide whether you want to divorce him.

Sorry, I wish I could come up with some more constructive suggestions, but all I can really say is you need to sort yourself out or live alone. Get into counselling and don't do anything rash.

And tell your husband about Mr Butterflies, and cut off contact with him totally, as a couple, if you want to save your marriage.

Good luck.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

oooops didn't mean to land in your lap. I actually invited my friend who we slept with before to do just that in a joking manner, brought it up to my husband too and he said yes to her but no to me with another man, I will keep trying. I the meantime I will keep it in my pants, keep the flirting to a minimum and only in front of my husband- nothing behind his back- and I will see a counselor on my own to work on my intimacy issues. Maybe he will come with eventually and we can both work on our marriage- I really do love him very much and I do not want to regret something when I look back 5, 10 or 15 years from now and the new "butterflies" have faded and I am alone with no loving husband or growing family.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

wazza- I only slept with one other man (my ex) while dating my now husband, there were two guys that I made out with at clubs and two that I hooked up with, but no sex, and that was all in the first couple months of our relationship- we weren't really super committed at that point, I was still a teen and he hooked up with his ex during that time too. I forgot because it wasn't like I had sex or something.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> I guess the point of all of this is:
> 
> Marriage becomes comfortable, I can accept this and continue to love my husband and have children with him while I wonder if the "one" is still out there....
> 
> OR do I end my marriage so soon because I don't get butterflies and act on these feelings for Mr. New? Am I silly to think it is something other than a fleeting infatuation?


Yes you are silly to think that it's anything other than a fleeting infatuation.

You don't really know this guy. It's all pharamones which get hormones running. This is not what love is.

If you cheat this is guy your marriage is most likely over.

So either divorce your husand and have your fling or remain faithful and build your marriage.

Have you ever had anyone you care about cheat on you?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Not buying it. You may be fooling your husband, but not most of us 

Hope you enjoyed yourself here tonight, and I'm quite certain someone will do unto you eventually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

elegirl-thank you, are right, I am silly to think that this would end with anything other than regret. I have been cheated on but not in a situation where I was really hurt by it. It was as a teen. I also found out my now husband was messing around with his ex when we first started dating but I found out much later and didn't care at that point, so I cannot fully comprehend the hurt that it would put on my husband. I also have a tendency to get over stuff quickly, but I know not everyone is like that obviously.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

"In the meantime I will keep it in my pants, keep the flirting to a minimum and only in front of my husband- nothing behind his back..."

You've admitted to lusting after other guys, you plan to keep flirting in front of your husband 
and you think it's ok because he doesn't seem to care.

Seems like you like to play with fire...
IMHO...
As long as you think it's ok to flirt even in front of your husband. 
It probably won't be long before the pants come off behind his back anyway


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The kind of man who will flirt with you in front of your husband and have sex with you is not the kind of man who wants a relationship with you. He just wants sex. And once he's had sex he'll move on to the next woman silly enough to think that the attraction mean love.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TheRiver said:


> I think something about him reminds me of that bad boy, intense relationship that we had.


You love intensity. You don't "know" intimacy.

Just for curiosity, when you talked about men as "targets" I immediately thought about sex addiction. Targeting comes before the scanning.
Patterns of Addictive Sexual Behaviors
Look for type 2- BTW, Sex addiction is more an intimacy issue then a sexual issue actually. It's intimacy avoidance which manifiest in acting out sexually, compulsively. It will scalate.

Unless you get serious therapy I don't think you are going to stop. Ever. It's not going to magicaly disapear. You know there's no a Mr perfect out there who will fulfill you enough so you don't need to Mr New.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

You certainly can control your actions. It's not mandatory to act on every impulse. Assuming you are older than 13, I would hope that having a "crush" wouldn't be worth damaging your marriage. 

But the larger issue of course is that perhaps you shouldn't be married. I'm not saying that harshly, just that perhaps before any kids become involved you just look at the big picture. It sounds like you might be better off being in an open relationship.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

elegirl + acabado: you are both right. And i never would have thought of sex addiction having to do with intimacy but I am definitely going to look into that because I know that this is not normal behavior. It very much is the intensity that I seek. When I stopped for a few years and remained faithful I was eating a ton, drinking a lot more, and shopping like a maniac. Now that you say it the only times I am faithful + behave (instead of a party I want to snuggle and watch a move) are when I am replacing the sex and intensity with some other addiction or excessive habit. I tend to be all or nothing.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

TheRiver said:


> I guess the point of all of this is:
> 
> Marriage becomes comfortable, I can accept this and continue to love my husband and have children with him while I wonder if the "one" is still out there....
> 
> OR do I end my marriage so soon because I don't get butterflies and act on these feelings for Mr. New? Am I silly to think it is something other than a fleeting infatuation?


This is why when I was dating, more like shopping around for a spouse. I would avoid the overly romantic , the "one" type of girls. Because some women are led entirely bu their emotions and feelings and healthy relationships with them is impossible. I think they are a product of the issues you have internally. Whether you seek validation from sex or you seek to fulfill yourself and your partner is a question you need to answer. What was your previous dating history like? Were you very promiscuous as teen and in your early 20's?

Some people are not cut out for monogamy. You should do the right thing and inform your husband


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

soccerfan- agreed, the problem lies more in that I feel I am missing something in the relationship, which is likely my fault due to my intimacy issues


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

but, I have to go, thank you everyone for your input, I appreciate each and every response and I have a lot to think about now. I am most definitely going to talk to a therapist, as well as my husband


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The kind of man who will flirt with you in front of your husband and have sex with you is not the kind of man who wants a relationship with you. He just wants sex. *And once he's had sex he'll move on to the next woman silly enough to think that the attraction mean love*.


Trust me she know´s it


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

*Deleted*

Poor husband is all i got to say.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can't believe you guys(TAM community) didn't run this one off!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

But then again we didn't hear from the hard @sses that would have torn her a new one.

You know who I'm talking about!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> The kind of man who will flirt with you in front of your husband and have sex with you is not the kind of man who wants a relationship with you. He just wants sex. And once he's had sex he'll move on to the next woman silly enough to think that the attraction mean love.


And she will move on to the next man!

Prove me wrong River and address your issues with a professional counselor.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> And she will move on to the next man!
> 
> Prove me wrong River and address your issues with a professional counselor.


The link I'm going to PM her tomorrow.If she takes it and read it seriously..It will make more sense to why.She keep´s doing it


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

My bad...
I went back and read the OP's first post and responses,
seems like both her and the husband have been entertaining the thought of swinging and threesomes. 
That might explain why he has no problem with her flirting in front of him with other men.

I think the way the husband reacts to his wife when she tells him how she feels about other men, may have actually helped fuel the fire the OP was starting to feel for the new guy, seems like she recognized it might go too far and now she's trying to put a stop to it. If that's the case, then good for her.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Wow! Another useless human being using up oxygen and food supply. How's about having some ambition in life to expand your mind instead, by obtaining a degree and if you already have one, get a couple more. Obviously you have too much time to waste and too much of your husband's time to waste. But I guess in the end you will eliminate yourself with an incurable STD, hopefully before your husband gets it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like I just listened to a conversation in a middle school girl's room.

I need a smoke.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

I think they are fledgling swingers, and I don't think he would leave her if she slept with 'new guy'.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

the guy said:


> I can't believe you guys(TAM community) didn't run this one off!


I think she has more chance of improving herself than the average wayward. She recognizes the problem in herself rather than blaming her husband and the world for her problems. This is what gets people riled, when they come in here and lump the blame of the affair on their partners. Bound to set people off.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

TheRiver said:


> My husband is aware of the fact that I have been recently thinking about being with another man, he does not know who though. He was remarkably understanding. I brought up the idea of swinging or an open relationship but he said he would not want me to be with other men- he wouldn't mind other women or the idea of a threesome- which we did do once early in our relationship.


You don't deserve the love of any man.
You deserve nothing.

You should not be in a relationship with anyone.

You should be single until you die.

Please, divorce your husband and let him find a normal woman who loves him. You do not own him, you do not own his life, stop acting as though you do, it is despicable.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

DedicatedDad said:


> My bad...
> I went back and read the OP's first post and responses,
> seems like both her and the husband have been entertaining the thought of swinging and threesomes.
> That might explain why he has no problem with her flirting in front of him with other men.
> ...


OP does not need help to get things fuelled. She has always been like that..she cheated on her husband almost up to the wedding.


I think hthe husband acts casual.but infact is observing dou to prior suspecions. Swinging? They did it a few times and?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> I think hthe husband acts casual.but infact is observing dou to prior suspecions. Swinging? They did it a few times and?


And he's ok with doing other females in front of his wife. But he does not want her to have a mfm... So he' selfish.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> And he's ok with doing other females in front of his wife. But he does not want her to have a mfm... So he' selfish.


Oh yeas the Rosa Parks.the defender of cheating wifes

Selfish or not? Its not issue here


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> Oh yeas the Rosa Parks.the defender of cheating wifes
> 
> Selfish or not? Its not issue here


I'm not sure what you mean by "Rosa Parks.the defender of cheating wifes"

Yes it is an issue here. They have already let others in to their relationship.

She has told him that she would like the same thing she has allowed him to have.. he will not allow it.

Yet he brings around a male friend... and he knows that there is chemistry going on between them. What sort of game is her husband playing.

My advice to the theriver is that she ignores this guy and gets to counseling. And while she's at it she has her husband's head (both of them) examined as well.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by "Rosa Parks.the defender of cheating wifes"
> 
> *Yes it is an issue here.* No it does not...They have already let others in to their relationship.
> She did that almost up to the got married
> ...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

TheRiver said:


> Thank you, Moxy that was solid advice <3 I do think I use distractions- be it substances, work, or sex


Most of us do. Unfortunately, when those distractions threaten to screw up the things we really care about, we have to start looking at how to address the problems. I think that for many people affairs begin because it's an easy escape from real life problems into fantasy -- and the same goes for any other kind of addiction like drugs or drink or porn or work. Real life is sometimes scary and so is commitment; it's easy to feel stuck. The way I see it, though, you can open a window to let some air in, you can open a door to breathe better, you can go into another room, but...knocking out walls is not the best way to get personal psychological space; people often don't realize that affairs are like that in the destruction they cause because they start off seeming inconsequential and harmless.

More than likely, if you're crushing on New Guy, it's because you're looking for a kind of change of pace, something new and exciting, something fun to take away the stale routine. BUT, you can find that with your husband, if you try, or on your own without cheating, too. If you're considering throwing away what you've built for that impulse, then it's time to address whatever issues are causing you to pay attention to the self-destructive impulse. We all have the shadows and the darkness in us and we all have to learn how to manage them.

Take your husband on a mini-break. Do something unexpected to rekindle the romance. Challenge yourself. You'll forget about what's his face, if you get caught up in what you're doing, and before you know it, you will not even remember that it took some self-restraint to cut him out of your days -- and you won't have wrecked a good thing in the process.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jonesey,

You did not reply to the below question….



EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by "Rosa Parks.the defender of cheating wifes"


You did not respond to the above… what 



Jonesey said:


> Yes it is an issue here. No it does not...They have already let others in to their relationship.
> She did that almost up to the got married


There is more going on here than the very wrong thing she did before she married. Based on her behavior there is a good chance that she as sexual ‘addiction’ issue. Her husband has no problem taking advantage of it when it means he gets his jollies. 




Jonesey said:


> She has told him that she would like the same thing she has allowed him to have..If she wold have been honest with whom..I would agree he will not allow it.Simpel. I suspect´s who she is referring to.


She can clarify this. My impression from what she wrote is that her telling him of her desire for a mfm 3some predates this guy coming into their life.
She has brought her female friends home for him to have sex with. So he should be allowing her the same rights. There is a double standard in play here. If I were she, I’d be pretty pissed if he bonks other women in front of me but he will not let me have my fantasies. Pretty lopsided.




Jonesey said:


> Yet he brings around a male friend... and he knows that there is chemistry going on between them.Sonly ugly guys should be brought home? What sort of game is her husband playing. Like i said.I think he is observing her in action..


This has nothing to do with the looks of this guy. IT has to do with her husband putting up with her flirting with another man in front of him.
Her husband knows that she and the friend are flirting. Yet the husband does nothing about it? He does not put a stop to this? Why not? I doubt he’s that clueless. It has 



Jonesey said:


> Her husband does not know about here cheating almost up to the wedding..Suspect´s perhaps


This couple has a lot of problems. Her cheating is only part of it.



Jonesey said:


> My advice to the theriver is that she ignores this guy and gets to counseling. And while she's at it she has her husband's head (both of them) examined as wellWhy??.


Remember that her husband was her affair partner before the married. My sense is that there is something ‘unusual’ going on in this relationship.

Perhaps TheRiver could fill us in on how her husband reacts to her interactions with his friend since it sounds like their flirting is overt.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Oh, I missed the swinging stuff in this thread when I replied. 

OP, maybe it's time to take a step back and think about what you want out of your relationship. Do you want monogamy? Do you want monogamy with your husband? Is your husband on board with this? Are you sort of crushing on some guy because your husband planted the seed of the idea in your head, encouraging you so that he can be free to pursue other women? If so, then do you want an open marriage? 

It sounds like there are more issues than just some overgrown lusty thoughts here...take some time to think about them without worrying about what your answers should be. And, since you weren't monogamous before you married, were you hoping that marriage would change you or something? Sometimes, people think this, but find out there are still issues to work out and ideas to work through even after tying the knot.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> I think she has more chance of improving herself than the average wayward. She recognizes the problem in herself rather than blaming her husband and the world for her problems. This is what gets people riled, when they come in here and lump the blame of the affair on their partners. Bound to set people off.


not sure about that

'you're a sociopath'
'not going to disagree with you lol'

sounds like someone's quite proud of her label

it also doesn't sound like there will be any consequences for her actions although perhaps the husband is distant because he's waiting for the opportunity to kick her ass to the kerb, who knows


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Jonesey,
> 
> You did not reply to the below question….
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> .....


Please stop responding to me.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Please stop responding to me.


Well you asked for a answer.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She can clarify this. My impression from what she wrote is that her telling him of her desire for a mfm 3some predates this guy coming into their life.
> She has brought her female friends home for him to have sex with. So he should be allowing her the same rights. There is a double standard in play here. If I were she, I’d be pretty pissed if he bonks other women in front of me but he will not let me have my fantasies. Pretty lopsided.


I think she mentioned that she enjoyed looking other women with her H and it was her that set up the situation. She wants multiple sexual partners for both of them..


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

DedicatedDad said:


> My bad...
> I went back and read the OP's first post and responses,
> seems like both her and the husband have been entertaining the thought of swinging and threesomes.
> That might explain why he has no problem with her flirting in front of him with other men.
> ...


I was going to post something along these lines. The husband in this marriage is not the next Father of the Year nor, IMHO, a good husband. How many good husbands would willingly engage in threesomes as long as they only involve women. C'mon..."Gee honey, thanks for bringing your friend over for me to bang the sh!t outta her...but you still can't sleep with other men..." On top of that, he was the guy she cheated on when she was with her BF. 

If you want to get down to brass tacks here, if Mr. New Guy was married to the OP and it was the husband that was the friend coming around the house to hang out, the OP would be feeling that same attraction to her husband while Mr. New Guy would be watching his wife flirt with another man. 

I have a hard time feeling sorry for the husband or for the OP. But I do realize that the OP is not right and needs to get some help. IMHO, she lacks empathy for others.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I was going to post something along these lines. The husband in this marriage is not the next Father of the Year nor, IMHO, a good husband. How many good husbands would willingly engage in threesomes as long as they only involve women. C'mon..."Gee honey, thanks for bringing your friend over for me to bang the sh!t outta her...but you still can't sleep with other men..." On top of that, he was the guy she cheated on when she was with her BF.
> 
> If you want to get down to brass tacks here, if Mr. New Guy was married to the OP and it was the husband that was the friend coming around the house to hang out, the OP would be feeling that same attraction to her husband while Mr. New Guy would be watching his wife flirt with another man.
> 
> I have a hard time feeling sorry for the husband or for the OP. But I do realize that the OP is not right and needs to get some help. IMHO, she lacks empathy for others.


My mama used to tell me "If you start off wrong, you gonna end up wrong..." If you combine the way the OP and her husband met and mix in a little threesome, swinging fantasy, I think you have all the ingredients for the perfect storm. However, I will give a little credit to the OP for being brave enough to post in a public forum, and admit that her lust for the new guy could be a problem, and she also seems to acknowledge that she may need some professional help.

That being said, the husband of course is not blameless. He cheated with the OP when she was with another guy, he then tells her, it's ok if he sleeps with another female in a threesome, but not ok for her to get it on with another guy, he sounds like the selfish one to me, plus, the reason he may be pushing her to flirt with other guys, may be due to the fact that he just might be doing a little late night creeping of his own. He doesn't seem to have a problem with sleeping around with other women.

What's that old saying?: If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you". I do hope the OP can get some help, but as long as she's married to a voyeuristic husband who likes a little female variety on the side, I'm not sure how much good it will do for their marriage.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

TheRiver said:


> Mr. New is not in a relationship and not to sound conceited but I am a good looking woman, there is definitely a physical attraction and lately I am sensing a strong emotional attraction as well.


And exactly how long do you think you will STAY a good looking woman? Don't you want to grow old with someone? Don't you want that feeling of closeness that only a long term marriage can provide?

You sound like you have difficulty moving from the infatuation stage of a relationship to the more settled committed type of love. This is definitely something you need to address in a counseling setting.

As far as searching for "THE ONE" goes. "THE ONE" is the person you are married to. If you can't learn to commit, the only "ONE" in your life will be you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TheRiver said:


> I agree, I am definitely confused about I want or what I think I want. I do want to have a family in the future and that is obviously not going to happen if I keep this up.
> 
> I would not like if my husband was being secretive, but anything that happens while I am there I am ok with, we have had sexual encounters with other women in the past, all of which were friends of mine, although the main difference was that I orchestrated those encounters not him for the most part, but that is because I enjoy seeing him with other women


I gotta admit your response upsets me.

Wtf is going on in your head? You write like you are considering to buy the blue shoes or black shoes. Like you are window shopping.

You are married. You gave your vow of trust and faithfulness to your husband. Is your word worth nothing? Have you no pride in your own integrity? Because what you are writing isn't a trivial thing like you are treating it. You are contemplating cheating on your husband. That's a betrayal of your word, of your vows. All because sone guy gives you butterflies. Guess what there are thousands of guys out there who can do that to you. Will you betray your vows with each of them? Will you betray your husband for a few minutes of friction between body parts?

This isn't the time to be evaluating cheating or not. You gave your vow to your husband. This the time to tell thus a$$ that talks to a married woman like she is open for sex to go packing.

You've Eric this go far too far, and the fact you are wondering what you are wondering proves that. You shouldn't be throwing what are essentially veiled threats of possible infidelity to your husband, you should be saying to him:

"X is really out of bounds the way he spoke to me, so I told him I'm a happily married woman and told him to go f himself."

It's not your husbands job to shoo guys off to keep you faithful, it's your job. And frankly, you aren't doing your job.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

Still reading but cro-magnon, way harsh man, I don't believe I ever acted like I owned anyone ha


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

TheRiver said:


> I guess the point of all of this is:
> 
> Marriage becomes comfortable, I can accept this and continue to love my husband and have children with him while I wonder if the "one" is still out there....
> 
> OR do I end my marriage so soon because I don't get butterflies and act on these feelings for Mr. New? Am I silly to think it is something other than a fleeting infatuation?


You gotta love people who watch romance movies or read romance novels which have this delusional idea of this concept of "THE ONE". The person who you feel butterflies in your stomach for your entire life. AND THEN PEOPLE IN REALITY THINK THAT'S REAL?!?!

You wanna know who "The ONE" is. It's the person who at the worst of times, you can remain loyal to and not KILL THEM. And during the best of times, you feel happy and content. It's the person who you can start a marriage with and who, through WORK, you can have an enjoyable relationship with for the rest of your life.

I've been with my wife for over 7 years and married for 5. We have, for all intents and purposes, an idyllic marriage. We communicate, we find each other attractive, we're attentive to each other's needs (heck, I talked to her about frequency of sex last night, because SHE hasn't orgasmed since last Thursday and I wasn't happy about that, that's how we are). But it still requires work. Issues still come up. The 5 Love Languages talks about the "in love euphoria" versus CHOOSING to love someone. The "in love euphoria" is a feeling that lasts a couple years and then dissipates. From there, you must CHOOSE to love your partner. 

You don't have the euphoria any longer for your husband, but now comes the STRONGER and more POWERFUL LOVE. The one where you CHOOSE to give him your love. The euphoria is like a drug high. It eventually goes away. It's more intense in the "drug high" feeling but less powerful because it just "happens to you". Choosing to love is more powerful because it takes effort and energy. You must actually DO something now to show your love. Would you rather have someone love you because they're like a drug addict, or someone to love you because they look at you and CHOOSE to love you. Some other thing isn't "forcing" them to.

If you want to be a good wife. Avoid contact with the other guy. Admit your failings prior to marriage (PS a committed relationship is a committed relationship, cheating doesn't become worse because you're married. You broke trust). 

Also stay away from the threesomes or go total open relationship.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

Moxy, you give good advice- thank you... still reading...


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

Hi Guys-

Ok so let's see I will try to remember to answer all questions:

Shaggy- I am not contemplating cheating, I contemplating whether or not I should be married. One could say I should have done this thinking before getting married and I would agree. More than that even I am wanting to know WHY I do, or want to do, these things so that I can not end up living a life of regret. If I sound casual that may just be the way I come off when I write. I do however agree that I lack empathy for others, that wasn't harsh at all, I think it is a valid point and I wish I wasn't that way. The thing is, I don't lack empathy for others all the time, it seems to be more a problem where sex or relationships are involved. In some ways I guess the only people I really feel true empathy for are my parents + sisters.

OK as far as my husband goes, some people are making him out to be something is he not- at all- he is not some selfish bastard. Quite the contrary, he is probably one of the most selfless people I know. If I never brought him into the threesomes it probably would never have happened. They both happened far before I ever asked him if I could be with another man or brought up swinging. I did however bring these things up before meeting Mr. New. Also, my husband was completely unaware of the flirting going on until I brought it to his attention, once I did that he shrugged it off and when I then brought up the fact that I had feelings for another man he never in the least suspected the man that it is, simply because my husband is much better looking than this other guy so I don't think he sees him as a threat at all. Going forward he may pay better attention to what is going on though, now that I brought it up to him. I was fine with flirting with Mr. New- it wasn't overt- but lately it is getting to be more and more and is starting to make me uncomfortable or think about it and the consequences of what would happen if it went further. Another point, I do get the idea that my husband thinks of me a little bit as a trophy wife in the sense that he maybe likes if I get a little male attention, it's perhaps a confidence boost for him. That said he treats me very well, he really is a wonderful man, and he does not deserve to be cheated on or to have his heart toyed with. He would never cheat on me and genuinely makes an effort at our relationship. I do love him very much and that is why I don't understand why it is so easy for me to almost section of this part of me and want to do bad things.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

I have read the 5 love languages as well as the seasons of love, maybe I need to have a refresher


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your husband trusts you. That's why he treats you like he does.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

TheRiver said:


> wazza- I only slept with one other man (my ex) while dating my now husband, there were two guys that I made out with at clubs and two that I hooked up with, but no sex, and that was all in the first couple months of our relationship- we weren't really super committed at that point, I was still a teen and he hooked up with his ex during that time too. I forgot because it wasn't like I had sex or something.


Huuuh.....????

You posted in your opening post

(I also had a couple random hookups while we were dating/engaged)

So, you weren't super committed yet while engaged???? Did I miss something here?

I guess until the ring is on the finger, super commitment doesn't happen yet, wow, just wow.

But hey, who am I to talk, I screwed around on my wife when she was my fiance. But I've never thought about doing it again while married to her.

You're way too young and immature to be married. Piss poor marriage material right now. In the future when you've grown up, you could be a great wife. I've seen the turnstile girls turn into wonderful/faithful wives after they've had all their fun while young. Actually, all those girls are still married to their husbands and are the best wives I've seen. Alot of the Innocent girls in our group ditched their husbands and started to live their lives now.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

I forget who said I lacked empathy so Shaggy that wasn't all really directed towards you, I don't remember who asked me to clarify what etc- let me know if I missed anything

Going back to the trophy wife, I think my husband wants to show off his hot wife, but not share. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But that might be why he doesn't mind/notice the flirting, especially since the man is someone he does not consider a threat. If it was some 6 foot tall, muscled italian stallion type he might be thinking twice...


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

Yes he does shaggy, completely, although I may be making him doubt that the past couple days by things that I have said to him. Almost as if I am trying subconsciously to get caught maybe. He is very trusting of me, he doesn't like me to be out drinking without him, he gets worried/jealous, but I don't do that so it's a non-issue really


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

CH- yes, I agree I wish I could go back and give myself a couple more years to explore and have fun- but I didn't and I don't want to screw it all up now.

Timeline of cheating:

We meet
I am sleeping with both ex + now hubby for a couple months
also within these first couple months I hookup a few times (but no sex!)

1-2 years go by:
me + my ex sleep together a handful more times

We get engaged and right after- about a year before wedding I meet a guy, we make out + grope at each other a little, no sex though

we get married

no cheating

it is now 2 years into marraige and I am having lusty feelings for mr. new


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Well then you've got yourself a problem.

I made sure I wouldn't cheat anymore by removing all non-related or essential work related women from my life.

And now I've stuck with 4 females in the house, go figure. Are you willing to do that for your marriage? If not, you're not ready to be married. I'm not saying live the life of a hermit, but you've got to set up boundaries, once someone crosses it or you have feelings, that person is gone. I mean gone....like they never existed.

BTW, I've turned away a couple of sure things and 2 of them were drop dead gorgeous. I mean, most guys would probably kill to have those kind of girls. Just thinking about it makes me wonder if only I wasn't married, but alas I was so sucks to be me lol.


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## TheRiver (Dec 5, 2012)

CH- I know it my head that you are totally right. For the past few years I have been surrounded by strictly platonic male friends, married couples, family and I haven't run into these problems. Not saying I am jumping on the first random dude that came into my life- not at all- but clearly there are just certain people that I can hang out with and not get into trouble with. Mr. New is not one of them. I was doin' just fine before I met him so I guess the smartest thing for me to do is forget him


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Something you stated several times is calling what you feel about OM as "feelings", despite you clearly identify it as lust and you can't mistake it with what you "feel" for your husband.

Re read the whole thread and I don't believe you are but it won't hurt to explore this:
Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) 

Also, despite ut doesn't seem like this... do you think it does apply to you?

1 “I am basically a bad, unworthy person.” This belief keeps a person locked into a cycle of shame and acting out. They act out because of stresses in life, not the least of which is their low self-esteem. But the euphoria of acting out is soon replaced with shame, further reinforcing this core belief.

2“No one would love me as I am.” Or in other words, “If people really knew me, they would not love me.” This core belief reinforces the need to keep all acting out behaviors secret, creating a double life that is marked by deceit and duplicity. People who have the very highest morals and ethics in every other area of life, will engage in behaviors that may be abhorrent to their personal beliefs. They have a public self that is honest, trustworthy, and exhibits the highest standards. But their private self is the antithesis of these values. Secrets are deadly to a sex addict. As long as secrets exist, little progress can be made in eradicating these behaviors from their lives once and for all.

3“My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.” This is a core value that often finds its roots in childhood. A person learns they cannot depend on others and must be self-sufficient. While self-sufficiency and independence can be very positive qualities, sex addicts often isolate themselves and find it difficult to depend on others. 

4“Sex is my most important need.” It is not uncommon for a sex addict to have such an insatiable appetite for sex that they continue engaging in sex hour after hour. Sometimes this may be solo acting out where they masturbate to the point of injury. For others this may mean acting out with multiple sex partners with little or no discrimination criteria for selecting their partners.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Also what the heck is a hook up that's not sex?

BJ, HJ's...that's sex..

You've laid out 3 levels. Kissing and Making out...Hooking up...and Sex. As if they're 3 different things. I get the kissing and making out, and obviously I get sex...but what the heck is Hooking up then if not either of those two things...


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

TheRiver,
Let me HELP you with your problem. Give me your husband's email address or cell phone number. I will do what you are AFRAID to do. Admit it...at your core you are a COWARD. A scared little girl pretending to be an adult. I DARE you to read to your husband the SILLINESS you have spewed here.

The answers to all your supposed questions BEGIN with you informing your husband who you really are.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cheating is a choice.

Having good boundaries with others is a choice too. You've obviously let the OM completely cross important boundaries already that has brought you to the point you are at. You've only been married 700 days and you have let the OM get so close that you are questioning your marriage and considering having an affair.

You know that detachment you are feeling, that's called affair fog. It's your brain building up your acceptance of you becoming a cheater in an affair. Do you think most cheaters wake up one day and just decide to betray the one they love? Nope, they first cross relationship boundaries with the AP, their brain starts getting the happy drug hit from the beginnings of the affair, and it starts finding ways to continue getting its fix. This includes you rationalizing why it's and ok choice fir you, and turning down your compassion for your husband so you will be willing to choose betraying him. Btw betrayal like that by your wife whom you trust with your life costs a piece of your husbands soul,and will leave him with a permanent emotional scar.

The fog causes you to question you love for your husband. It produces the I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You feeling.

Your actions and attitude also are causing your husbands gut to go off with warnings that something is wrong and getting worse by the day.

You now have the choice to not cheat. You can choose to reject the fog and to renew your passion for your husband and to avoid becoming the wife who cheats on him and scars his soul.

You have the knowledge now of what is going on. You are now informed and aware. You are in the fog, you need to read up on it, because its about to end you marriage in the worst possible way. It's going to take away the children you might have had with your husband.

At this point you are no longer an innocent caught up in something you don't recognize. You do know what's going on and from this point forward what you do is bring done by your choosing.

If you do cheat and get asked why you did it, you can honestly answer you did it because you chose to.

But please don't choose that. Do tell off the OM. Tell him he's crossed boundaries that a real friend wouldn't cross. Tell him to go away, and stop talking with him.

Do make a real commitment to making your marriage and your husband your priority and the focus of your passion.

Here's the thing about your brain. It likes getting the happy chemicals. It doesn't care who it gets them from. It's completely amoral. It's your consciousness that has the morality. If you cut off the OM and put your focus on you husband, then your brain will start generating the happy chemicals for him not the OM and your compassion and passion will return.

You have to choose to do it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

TheRiver said:


> *I forget who said I lacked empathy* so Shaggy that wasn't all really directed towards you, I don't remember who asked me to clarify what etc- let me know if I missed anything
> 
> Going back to the trophy wife, I think my husband wants to show off his hot wife, but not share. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But that might be why he doesn't mind/notice the flirting, especially since the man is someone he does not consider a threat. If it was some 6 foot tall, muscled italian stallion type he might be thinking twice...


That would be me, and I stand by that comment. You realize that your actions can cause other people pain. However, the fact you do not feel guilt or shame shows that you lack empathy. Without the ability to feel shame or guilt, it is hard for someone to consistently do the right thing - hence your ability to cheat on your XBF and your current husband.

Yeah, I hear what your saying about your H - he's so nice, he's so sweet. But let's be clear here: 1) A good man would not go after a girl that is in another committed relationship and 2) A good man will not just go with the flow and bang other women even when his wife is offering this up. Sorry, but your words ring a little hollow about your H. IMHO, both of you should part ways know because neither of you are well equipped to handle marriage.


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