# What I'm thinking of telling my husband



## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

1) I've been considering what you said to me last weekend and I think you are correct. I do feel that, to an extent, I have allowed myself to be infantalized in this relationship. I didn't pursue a career because you liked having me at home. I didn't pursue the hobbies or travel I wanted because having me gone made you uncomfortable. Regardless of what happens with this marriage, I am going to commence with pursuing a career, along with my own hobbies and interests. I want to become more my own person and less "yours." 

2) I think, after 10 years of marriage, we can agree that there is a huge gap in my sexual desire and yours. You know that I don't like to be "checked out" or touched and that I could go the rest of my life without sex. How much of this has to do with the fact that my only sexual experience before our marriage was a rape at 16, I do not know. What I do know is that you are a handsome, kind, caring, gainfully employed man who would be a great catch for any woman. You deserve a woman who can desire you the way you deserve to be desired. It kills me to say it, but if you want I will set you free to find her. It's not fair to keep you chained to someone who can't desire you. 


What do you guys think?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well you don't mince words that's for sure. Maybe a bit more feeling and less business. I don't get any sense of love in the message. Sounds more like an ultimatum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Well, I was planning to "pad" it more than that. Not to mention that, knowing me I'll probably make it about 3 words in and start crying.

But thank you, I do tend to be a bit too direct. I didn't mean it to sound that way.


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## holiday82 (Apr 23, 2012)

It sounds like you've made up your mind about what's best for both of you, while being fair, respectful, and kind (as long as this isn't coming out of left-field). Good luck.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Kathrynthegreat said:


> 1) I've been considering what you said to me last weekend and I think you are correct. I do feel that, to an extent, I have allowed myself to be infantalized in this relationship. I didn't pursue a career because you liked having me at home. I didn't pursue the hobbies or travel I wanted because having me gone made you uncomfortable. Regardless of what happens with this marriage, I am going to commence with pursuing a career, along with my own hobbies and interests. I want to become more my own person and less "yours."
> 
> 2) I think, after 10 years of marriage, we can agree that there is a huge gap in my sexual desire and yours. You know that I don't like to be "checked out" or touched and that I could go the rest of my life without sex. How much of this has to do with the fact that my only sexual experience before our marriage was a rape at 16, I do not know. What I do know is that you are a handsome, kind, caring, gainfully employed man who would be a great catch for any woman. You deserve a woman who can desire you the way you deserve to be desired. It kills me to say it, but if you want I will set you free to find her. It's not fair to keep you chained to someone who can't desire you.
> 
> ...


I like #1. Good Job. It will be good for you to do those things.

#2 is a cop out - You have a loving husband who you say many women would want to have. Don't offer to let him go. Tell him how much you want him to stay. Tell him that you are going to do whatever you can to be that woman that he deserves. Start counseling to get over the issues you have with intimacy. Tell him that you are on a mission to save your marriage.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> Tell him that you are going to do whatever you can to be that woman that he deserves. Start counseling to get over the issues you have with intimacy. Tell him that you are on a mission to save your marriage.


I've been trying to be the woman he deserves for 10 years. I've been to counseling and I've tried to do what it takes. I try to initiate sex and it hurts his feelings because he can tell I'm initiating because I want to make him happy, not because_ I _want and desire sex.  I've been pushing this rock up this hill for a long time.


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

Kathrynthegreat said:


> I've been trying to be the woman he deserves for 10 years. I've been to counseling and I've tried to do what it takes. I try to initiate sex and it hurts his feelings because he can tell I'm initiating because I want to make him happy, not because_ I _want and desire sex.  I've been pushing this rock up this hill for a long time.


I don't know you, and what you've posted is a tiny fraction of what must be a very complex relationship. But just from the above, I think you're pretty amazing. I mean, I don't know anyone who would initiate sex just to make someone else happy even though she herself was not interested.

That said, I really hope your husband is able to appreciate your desire to make positive changes and support you. From your OP it sounds like you are at least able to talk to him plainly, and that is a good sign that you at least have a chance to move forward.

Best of luck.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Kathrynthegreat said:


> I've been trying to be the woman he deserves for 10 years. I've been to counseling and I've tried to do what it takes. I try to initiate sex and it hurts his feelings because he can tell I'm initiating because I want to make him happy, not because_ I _want and desire sex.  I've been pushing this rock up this hill for a long time.


I appreciate that you have tried. 

My wife and I have a similar issue in that I would like sex more and she doesn't. She hardly ever initiates. I wish she put in the effort that you do.

Our dynamic is slightly different in that our issue is in getting going. I approach her and she rejects me. She stays up late at night avoiding me, etc. I start feeling like your husband where my wife doesn't want and desire me.

But when she gets to a point of 'giving in', it is usually great. She has issues with intimacy, but when we actually get passed that and we hold each other long enough and caress each other long enough, she gets into it. She gets aroused. We have a great time connecting in an intimate way. She will tell me how she is sorry for being so difficult, etc. I feel loved and desired and I realize that her 'block' with intimacy isn't personal. 

Do you get to this point with your husband?


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I feel loved and desired and I realize that her 'block' with intimacy isn't personal.
> 
> Do you get to this point with your husband?


Not really.  He understands that my "block" is not personal; that it's something in me and nothing to do with him, but it doesn't make it any easier for him to deal with. I can't _stand _knowing that my hangups are hurting his feelings.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You need to keep working the counseling! If you have'nt made any progress with who you've been seeing the last couple of years, try someone else!

regardless of what happens in this relationship, you need to keep working on yourself. Find a counselor who specializes in sexual assault victims for a starter.


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